  "Fux-0-red's obvious. The question is, what is a fish pump."   It was the pump from a fish tank with the "suck" tube running to some play-doh molded to his member.  I told you the kid was sick, too bad he's only going to be locked up for a year.       
  theres something romantic about getting really stoned, sitting in burger king's parking lot for a half hour, then pouring 2 gallons of black strap molassas on someones front porch.  
  Ever seen the movie midnight in the garden of good and evil? You know the drag queen in it? She's real, and my "big brother" (my favorite partner in crime) used to be in her entourage. Once, she picked up the wrong makeup compact before the show. She powered her face with her own cocaine and went onstage, hundreds of dollars of coke glittering in the strobe lights. ~puck~  
  A nice fall day in Krakow, Poland; people strolling around, dogs careening onto the well-maintained grass  - and there I was, sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and the human activity. A toddler's eyes bulged out at me when I waved at him, his face splitting into a fleshy gurgle of delight. My heart lifted; I was communicating with someone whose language I did not speak (so what if he was only a year old or so?). As I waved again at him, another figure entered my eyesight from the periphery: a sodden wool pants-clad, grungy man who looked to be in his late 50s. He started babbling excitedly in Polish, and before I could spit out "Hey, I don't speak Polish," he reached in his pants and pulled out a very melted, very       icky chocolate bar and offered it to me.   "Uh, allergieski?" I stumbled. "No, thanks. Nie."  "Tak, tak, yes, yes," he exclaimed.   A few minutes passed, with him speaking to me and me not understanding. His face was animated, he kept pointing to the book I was reading. I figured we might actually have something to talk about, if we shared a mutual language.  Then: a hand on my knee. Then: a swipe at my breast. At this point, I got the gist of what he was saying and packed up to leave.    Eventually, I asked a Polish woman I met on the train about an interaction like that, and she informed me that the words "fuck off" are a universally understood  phrase. That's good to know.   
  Sex on a Hammock  My roomates and i were talkin about how interesting it would be to have sex on a hammock with our boyfriend...  my response..  i'd have enough trouble getting on a hammock, no less actually getting off on it.  
  i mangled some body part i am not sure how but alcohol was involved i am sure ah college anyhow i get to the hospital and they are giving me the twenty questions gig whats your religion he asks does it affect how i get treated asks me no its in case something goes wrong and we need to have a priest or rabbi or  i cut him off oh like last rights yeah hmm well get them all in there one of them hasta have gotten it right says me well i have to put something on the form ok says me put undeclared   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i use to be entirely too trusting when i was young i really wanted to join my friends' club in the forest.  so among my many initiation trials there was one where i had to stand stradling a huge fucking stick, with my eyes closed. now i know what your thinking, i really wasn't that dumb...well your wrong i did it and you can guess the next part, i got my nuts shoved forcibly into my stomach hurray for me  
  Dumbass boss of mine picked up a metal utensil near the deep fryer.  "Ow! Ow! Ow!" she started wincing, as though burned. Then she stopped frowning and said "Oh. It isn't hot after all."        
   My friend used to manage a liquor store a block from the beach. He sadistically kept the air-conditioning set to something close to sixty degrees farenheit. By the time the girls in their bikinis arriving from the ninety-degree heat realized what was happening - it was too late. The rapid reflexive anatomical response was extraordinary to behold! Sexist, yes, but enjoyable all the same!      
  Burning Man alternative -- save money!  For $75, I will let you roll around in my backyard mud patch and my kid can hose you down afterward. We will roast wienies and contruct marshmallow figures on sticks and set those to flame. Edible delight! Save $125!!   
  It was a nice day so i took my girlfriend to a nice little national park. Walking around quite a few old people and middle aged guys wandering. We started making out and all of a sudden she starts giving me a handjob....we run to a bush and she finishes it off, but i didnt have any tissue to wipe me clean, so she get some strange looking white fluffy leaves to do it....I didnt think much of it and went back home.  I took my clothes off later on and my dick looked like a fucking angel.  
  After the 20th application, you pretty much have a resume tailored to any possible position.  At that point, the next 20 are easy.  It's the last 20 that start to get irritating.  Damn this economy. I'm about to write "Will program multi-platform applications for food" on a piece of cardboard and go stand on the highway.  
  cheerleaderatyercrotch is my hero.  Now THATS fucking lowbrow, ain't it?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yea, so i had this party right, and these two couples came.  both the girls and the guys were good friends of mine.  cutting to the chase... they were in these two rooms of mine for about an hour or so.  only later did i put together that both of my guy friends got head.  so i brush my teeth and get ready for bed, but before going to bed, i sign on.  one of the girls that gave head is on and says "thanks for letting me use your toothrbush"... i threw up  
  She was game and I had the (weed driven) urge to have her from the back, and not in the vagina, this time.  I came.  It felt ok.  It was ok, but when I pulled out there was poopoo on my dick.  Never, EVER again.  Well, maybe.. but now I'm married to a different woman and she's definitely not the poop-hole screwing type, let alone the weed smoking type.  
  A few guests continued drinking after the party's man of honor had begged off with a headache or some such.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  I was at a Waffle House in South Carolina once.  The menu had breakfasts by number.  I told the waitress I wanted a #3.  She told me "We don't use them numbers here."  So I told her what the write up was under the #3 (a couple eggs, some sausage, and toast or something like that).  She went to the counter and I heard her yell, "Harry, I need a number 3."  Bitch.  
  as i climbed the escalator towards another lonely lunch, i looked up and saw a homeless lady in front of me. she was barefoot and dirty. she smelled of the streets, of dumpsters that filled the back alleys, of insanity. i followed her as she walked uncaringly into the corporate dining hall.  i saw herdart towards a line that was filled with suits. i lost her as a group of yuppies passed me. maybe she finally got to feel like more than a bag lady.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Me.     On the beach.  Drunk.  "Man...I got fucking ass in my sand crack."  
  One time my freshman year I was at a really lame frat party with this dude from our floor who nobody really liked and a bunch of other people.   Well the jackass dude got really drunk and started puking on this plant. Then he got really pale, almost green, and puked some more. We tried to ask him if he was OK, but he wouldn't say anything for ten minutes. He just stared at the floor between his legs and wouldn't respond.  So after a while, we're sitting there and its pretty quiet, and he picks his head up and screams "I am Saddam Hussein... the evil dictator of Iraq!" and then pukes all over himself some more.   I can't recall laughing that hard since.  
  at the school i attend, every other day i end up sitting in front of a computer for a good 8 hours out of the day, if not more today i hear the guy next to me muttering something about donkey cock i glance over at him, and wouldn't you know it right there on his screen is the almighty brow we look at each other and nod in silence  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went to a porn shop in SF. "The most hardcore in ca" the sign said or something. We went in, all sorts of bondage shit, then near the back was this tape called "Shit Eater" with a picture of a girl eating shit. I bet her parents are proud of her.  
  The year is 1999 and we had just come off of cruise. One of the big songs was "Kiss Me" by Six Pence None The Richer and my friend and I were looking forward to getting the CD when we got back. Hey, the chick is hot and she can sing like no ones business. I have a thing for a girl with a pretty voice, but that's another story. Back to the current story. Anyway, my friend and I go to various stores (i.e. Camelot, blockbuster music, etc.) looking for the CD in the Rock/Pop, country, easy listening sections with no luck. Finally at the Barnes and Noble I finally decide to swallow a little pride and ask the clerk if they have the CD and the clerk says "Oh, why yes sir, it's in the Christian music section", my friends only response to the clerk "What the fuck is it doing there?" :) Like I said, you had to be there. I just thought of it and felt like sharing.    
  7/24/01 Waiting by the phone for a call, its my birthday.  Nobody calls, I'm forgotten.  The next day I get a letter from the government saying I'm not eligible for the refund because I was claimed as a dependent.  YAY! My mom remembers me.  
  mandy went to the planed parent hood, so did liz.  mandy gave me two honey dew flavored condoms. i traded one honey dew for a lubed red one. i then traded mandy the red one, for a kick ass black one. the other day, the wrapper sploded.  planned parenthood condoms: you get what you pay for.  
  The hardest physics exam ever...I walk out braindead and confused at what to do now. Two guys walk out, pull out their flasks and take a looooong swig and keep on walking... Damn, I wish I had thought of that.  
  I call my creation "Trailer Maki".  Nori, rice, Oscar Meyer Baloney and Velveeta.  Don't laugh.  With enough wasabi it might be filled with cat shit and people couldn't tell the difference.  Hmmm...  
  They've set up one of those mini-carnivals down the road from my house, and it's fucking up the traffic to the extent my journey home is almost 30 minutes longer. They were asking for it. Yes, the printing up of several hundred little coupons that looked very official and stated "50 free ride tickets with this coupon!" might have cost me the same as a case of beer, but it was worth it.   
  after a particularly boring wedding we headed to a veterans post we had driven by on the way to the reception it was outta town a bit but what the fuck gotta get drunk somewhere and the beers are cheap and the stories should be good in tuxs we sat and bought rounds for the half dozen elder soldiers watching some nba preseason game one of the younger old coots got up to hurl and ran outside two hours later i  slipped in his chunder ripped open my knee and shredded the tux on the puddle in the parking lot got a nasty infection on my kneecap cos i fell asleep for a day and a half in that same tux i love weddings they always make me cry   
  My best friend left the other day, confused as to the status of things. And as I sit here, now alone, and freezing in the heat of the unusually warm day, perfectly content on my side of the camera, observing the world through the eyes of a lens, longing for a community of my own, but yet, he and I both stand with our cameras, alone...and I wonder...and yet, I push him away... ~SK                           
  "Before I have to reach over there, pull your head off your fucking shoulders, and play soccer with it, please understand something."  "What?"  "NOO-KLEE-UR!!  It's pronounced NOO-KLEE-UR!!   NOT  NOO-KYOO-LUR!  Look at the way the fucking word is spelled!  The 'l' is  before  the 'u'!  Just fucking get it right!  Jesus!"  God the things I wish I could say to the people with whom I carpool without the possibility of losing my ride.  
  (From Amazon.com)  Customers who wear clothes also shop for:  Clean Underwear from Amazon's Target Store  ... struck me as odd.  Wouldn't know why...  
  I sometimes jerk off while wearing a condom... partially so that I don't have to block the jizz cannon, but mostly so that I will be used to the sensation of coming inside a condom.  If and when I ever get laid again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "What site is that?" "It's called Lowbrow.com." "What's it for?" "It's for people who don't go around peering at other people's monitors. And who hate you. That's what."  
  After the end of a particually shitty dragged out relationship, I decided to do the honourable thing of going out with my freinds, getting ruined and bedding the mearest attractive bloke.  On waking bleary eyed next day, I had a young handsome man lay next to me. My mobile went off before we spoke, it was my mum. I made my excuses and finished the call. I then went on a rant for about an hour about how annoying mothers can be. He said little. After my rant was finished, he told me how his mother had died a couple months ago. That was kinda the end of that. Just the extra guilt I needed.    
  Rules of the game: they crank up their megabass in the driveway, I call the cops, they shut the hell up, repeat entire process next time. Except this day, one of the visitors got all pissy about it, and started yelling in the middle of the street for the "dumb motherfucker" who called the cops to come out and take a beating. Now, I'm vindictive but I'm not stupid. Getting my ass kicked by some crackwhore is not on my agenda. But I don't let much pass. Several days later, I had a major attack of the post-vodka shits, and look at what I see on the counter, an empty McDonald's cup. I fill it up, and leave it, straw inserted, on the crackwhore's car roof in the wee hours of the morning. Crackwhore visitor is short, by the way, and I guess crack makes you clumsy, because when she reached up on the roof for the cup, it tipped.  See, now, you talk the shit, you get the shit.   
  I have only had one boyfriend who cared enough to figure out that my fantasy was to be tied down, called a tramp, and get smacked on my booty a little.  I miss that guy.  
  I hereby promise to never submit a lowbrow moment using bland language to describe my messed up relationships or any of the things about life that disappoint me. Can anybody take a hint?    
  "At least I don't wake you up with MY FARTING."  Man, why do guys always have to bring that up?   
  I was excited that day.  I had just purchased a fine quarter-ounce bag of skunk weed and, later that day, I was supposed to take my driver's license test.  I was daring (stupid) enough to leave the bag in my pocket as I took the driving test.  All I could think about was how I was going to get my license and drive over to Steve's house to smoke some weed.  We were going to listen to some Maiden and get stoned.  Fuck yeah.  Anyway, I failed the test miserably because I made "California stops" the whole way through.  At one point, I even completely ignored the Test Administrator's instructions to turn.  I kept going straight for another block and that scared her -- "Where are you taking me?"  Yeah, that whole scenario.  My mom ended up driving me over to Steve's house where I ended up freaking out on the skunk and walking into his closet thinking it was the front door to his house.  She picked me up sometime later and I had to lie to her about why I was acting stoned (something about a contact high off of incense).    That's about it.  I eventually got my license but, 15 years later, I'm still smoking skunk and looking for that damn exit door.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here working late,  I just went to our corporate kitchen and ate some canned whipped cream....  hmmm maybe wash that down with some coke..        
  i went to my ex boyfriends house today. while he was in the bathroom i opened up his drawer that usually has his condoms in it and something made a weird noise so i felt around and put my fingers around a butt plug.   creepy  
  i've been a bad bad girl. i've been careless with a delicate man. it's a sad sad world. when a girl will break a boy just because she can.  
   Even More Fun With IV Valium  From the last moment:  I nod, and he gives me the pipe. I head back down to my vocal chords, and watch them while singing: "DaZee, DaZee, guv me yoo unsa dooo..."   I guess I just love to entertain. Still on the operating table, but the procedure is over. The wonderful surgeon has allowed me free rein to explore my insides on my own, is why I'm watching my vocal chords while singing (while constantly retching and gagging, but that's just because I'm thrusting a flexible pipe down into my innards. I don't care -- IV Valium is just wonderful). The doctor looks in on his 'scope, and laughs. He puts the show onto the TV monitors. I continue: "I'm haave crazy, oh for the luv of yooo, It won be a styliss mwarriagge, I can't affor a mortgage, But yooo'l look sweet, bent over the seat, Of a boicycle made foo too." The entire operating room breaks up. I pull the pipe out and hand it to the laughing surgeon. Aaah, thank you, thawnk you. Elvis will be leaving the building, now...   
  You're at work and you need to take a piss.  This would be the first piss you have taken today since you jacked-off naked sitting backwards on your toilet that morning.  As you are starting up the piss, the dried up cum that has sealed up your pee-hole gives way unevenly causing 2 streams of pee, in 2 different directions, one of which soaks your pant leg.  fuck.  
  My wife and I found an open-minded couple online and met in person for drinks.  She worked in advertising, but he worked as a cop.  We chatted politely for a while then left.  Driving home my wife says "no cops."  I reminded her there's nothing illegal about foursomes between consenting adults.  Still, "no cops."  We never called them back.  A few months later she gets pulled over by a different cop for speeding.  She tells me she considered offering the cop a blowjob to forget the ticket.    I don't understand women.   
  Remember: The eagle may soar, but the weasel never got sucked into a jet engine!       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I get these fuckin annoying porno emails and they are all usually generic with shit like STACY WANTS YOUR CUM ALL OVER HER FACE but there is this one that i keep on getting that stands out: NASTY DIRTY FLEA BITTEN WHORES DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!!   I really wanna know how they got flea bitten and if they have videos of that.   mmm ITCHY.   
  "Very well," I fumed to myself, "They're going to treat me like a thief??? I'll give them a reason..!" I heaped two platefuls: Roast chicken breasts, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, lasagne -- everything I wanted, instead of whatever I could afford.  Ripped it right off, didn't pay a cent.  I went straight home, took off half my clothes, lay down on my stomach on the floor, and shovelled the meal down as messily as I felt like it, unwhitnessed, right through to dessert. That was the most I've ever eaten in one sitting, and the only thing I've stolen since I took a single Brach's caramel cube at age 4, and cried when my mom found the wrapper in my coat pocket.         
  As I bent down to do a line of the pure gram I had just purchased, I glanced over at my roommate.   "Don't you have homework to do?"  It was 12:00 AM.   "Yes." I did the line and looked at him again.  "You're so irresponsible," I said, sniffling.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After watching these "Perfect Game" replays of people beating games like Mario 1 and 3, the origional zelda, castlevania 3, etc etc insanely fast and without dieing or taking a single hit in any game i have realized one thing...  Japenese people have ENTIRELY too much free time.   
  we had just picked up some Wet , a lube that i had had a bad experience with, but it was the only stuff they had that wasn't flavored, and you really don't want to use that flavored shit for penetration because it can cause yeast infections, and the idea of a yeast infection in your ass is pretty nasty, but i've heard it can happy, although that's probably only an urban legend, but back to the story, so my boyfriend decides that he wants to fuck me, but he had never fucked a man before, so in the act, he didn't notice that it was getting a little dry down there because he was getting pretty into it, which is to be expected, since he is gay and he had only had oral sex before this, and he just kept going and i was pretty into it as well and didn't think it was actually that bad...  i'm not sure if "rug burn" is the right way to put it...  his dick healed nicely though, once the scabs fell off...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         walking through the supermarket,  I glanced at the magazines on the rack as I passed.  I was most surprised to find Cheryl Crow in sexy undies on the cover of Stuff. Shit! I couldnt believe that I was gettin stiff over her. I never knew that her body was that hot! I tossed the magazine in the cart, made a quick detour to isle 4, picked up some lotion and headed for home to torture my prick.   On the way home I caught myself singing ..."all I wanna do is have some fun"...   
   Not Understanding The Concept #2  It's always annoyed me that wristwatch advertisers  invariably  photograph watches with the hands at 10 past 10. It's supposed to be some subliminal thing where you're supposed to think the watch is smiling at you. But now that digital watches are everwhere, I notice that the advertisers  still  always photograph them with the time set to 10:10. Like a display reading "10:10" is going to make you think that the watch is smiling at you. Since advertising guys are convinced there's no such thing as bad publicity, I have a suggestion for them:  Set the digital watches to "9:11" and see what happens to your sales...  
  Tomatoes left out just a bit too long, gone over to that perfect stage of nasty, make lovely things to leave under someone's doormat.  If you like seeing them dance and shout in the wee hours of the morning, that is.  Insomnia... a curse, but a fun one.   
  So we went rafting this weekend, a touristy 10-mile excursion down the Delaware river.  We had a cooler full of beer/soda/food, three or four giant joints, and a strong desire to make the most of our precious saturday.  "We" was myself, my friend Poon, my neighbor Dave, and another friend, Kenny.    Kenny was the odd one on the trip.  We definitely dragged a ghetto nigga off his stoop and made him sleep in a tent.  At one point in our trip, we stopped paddling to take a breather and soak up some sun.  We all lay around in the raft, surrounded closely by parents and their little kids...    All of a sudden, Kenny sits bolt upright, and screams "THIS SHIT IS BETTER THAN ECSTASY!!"  at the top of his lungs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I didn t plan on sleeping with busboys it was something that just happened like getting pregnant. I didn t really plan that either, but at least there I knew where babies came from, how you got them. I had no idea where all the busboys came from why I wanted them, or why they wanted me.  I was a good-looking young woman although this is in retrospect. At the time I didn t think I was very pretty it is only now that I look at pictures of myself and say, oh baby!  Oh Baby, indeed. Sean was seventeen and I was nineteen a younger man. I don t know what it was that attracted me he was dark and brooding, but funny and sweet. He was still in high school, and I don t suspect that he had had many women maybe a few girls, but no mature women like me.  I can t remember how it happened the first time. I was a waitress at the restaurant inside the Holiday Inn, and he, of course, was a busboy. I do remember ending up at the park in front of his parent s house fucking on the slide my bare ass freezing on the cold metal.  Still another time we broke into a vacant house and did it on the living room floor. I guess I must have been between houses then living with a family friend, and house sitting when I could to make a little extra money and have a little privacy.  His cock was long and skinny and curved. I remember the first time I sucked it giggling because I couldn t stop thinking about how I was peeling a banana. I don t think laughing during a blow-job is good form, but hey, when you are seventeen I am sure you bounce back pretty easily.  We did actually go on a date once to the movies, and then we fucked in my car afterwards. I don t think he had a car. I had a little  79 Toyota Celica the sporty kind with the racing bar. This was 1984 the year of Big Brother but nobody was watching as far as I knew.  Our most memorable encounter, and I believe our last, happened at work in the bathroom of the restaurant. By this time, we could not keep our hands off each other. Everytime I passed him in the dining room I had to stifle the urge to reach out and cop a feel.   In the kitchen, I had to control myself as well checking discreetly to make sure no one was looking as I reached down to fondle his cock through his black polyester pants.  But in the employee bathroom it was a regular smut fest. We would disappear back there every chance we got to grab and grope. He was a great kisser and I remember I always had a rash from the stubble on his chin.  On this particular night, it was dead, and the bartender was feeding me shots of rum in the back bar. I remember catching his gaze, and heading to the bathroom. The changing area was coed, but there were individual bathrooms for men and women.  I headed into the men s room, feeling his hot breath behind me on my neck. The only light coming into the John was from the changing room, and when he closed the door, it became pitch black. I was holding on to the cool porcelain sink, and I could feel him moving slowly behind me, rubbing his hard cock beneath his pants against my ass, grinding into me as he squeezed my breasts and stuck his tongue in my ear.  I felt his hands drop down to my skirt, sliding underneath it and running them over my ass, which was clad tightly in a pair of sheer to the waist pantyhose, with no panties underneath. I felt the fabric tear as he worked a nice size hole in the crotch of my pantyhose. I felt his fingers slip inside me, dipping into my hot juices.  I heard his zipper drop, and felt him pressing against the shiny nylon still covering my ass. I cried out as his cock tore through the hole in my pantyhose and slid into my pussy. I leaned forward, arching my back, trying to get him deeper inside me. His hands returned to my breasts pulling loose the cotton fabric of my shirt and sliding under my bra to squeeze my nipples between his fingers.  My own hand flew to my clit, rubbing it harder and faster as he continued to bury his cock deeper inside me. I could feel him tensing, and he bucked his hips back for one powerful thrust as we both came...shaking and rocking and trying not to moan too loudly.  I lay forward on the sink my shirt open and my breasts lying on the cool porcelain. He pulled his cock out, stuffed it back into his pants, and slipped quietly out the door to check on his tables.  We had a date for later that week but I broke it. It was a long while after that before I had another busboy. He was not the first, the last, or the most memorable but I had to start somewhere, right?   
  I would have never thought that i would have a fear of getting a blow job.   It started out by my girlfriend on her knees perfroming her amazing act when suddenly she got a cramp in her calf.  She bit, hard, I screamed.   It was a horrible feeling, the kind you just don't forget.  I'm always hesitant now everytime she wants to give me head.   
  One day while entering a freeway, I was lucky enough enter behind someone who thinks it safer to merge at half the speed of the oncoming vehicles.  A quick fantasy arose where I would give them an unrelated physics lesson.  I would strap them into their car and park them on a railroad track.   Idiot, I would like you to meet Momentum!   After the fantasy was over, I began to rant rather loudly.   YOU &%#(@!^b IDIOT. WHAT THE @$%*$* IS GOING ON THAT #%&#%& GREY MESS YOU CONSIDER A BRIAN.  I WOULD LOVE PULL YOU OUT OF YOUR CAR AND SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.   I took a deep breath and noticed the wide-eyed look of my passenger.  I looked at him and said,  Well, there nothing I can do about it, so I don t let it get to me.     
  That stream of piss sound did not sound right. It sounded it way too close. I walked into the kichen, getting closer and closer to the sound. I look in the dining room and Mongo is peeing on my mom's new oriental rug. I guess that was his thanks for taking him out drinking for his birthday. Gawd damn Mongo!        
  Thinking of my ex girlfriend.  The few good times, the many bad times, then the few good times again.  Everytime I see that face I get a sudden craving for a bottle of Jack Daniels.  
  It's Christmas morning, and my famliy just woke me up. (I'm the lazy teenager.) What did I do when they all left the room, to the preclusion of everything else? Masturbate. Happy Holidays!  
  so i'm talking to my friend and the subject of mood altering drugs comes up...  he says, "Like the *social anxiety* drug that the side effects are perspiration, diarrhea, sexual disfuction, etc... that just seems stupid.  Yea, you can go out now cuz you're not afraid, but you're gonna stink, have the shits, and in the event that you do meet someone, you can't get it up anyways.  Why not just stay home, eat a pizza or two, and jack off?  Sounds like more fun to me."     
  after i finished laughing at her for saying "j/k" in conversation, i mentioned how it was funny when people talk online for a long time they start using im shorthand. she looked confused for a bit, and then told me "what do you mean? j/k is totally before im." riiiight.   
  my little brother and a friend of his had a contest going in high school.  the rules were simple: any time you hit someone with your car, you get a point. they each ended up with one (1) point. my brother scored his in madison.  his minivan had those big mirrors on it, and he was taking a right turn near state street.  we hear a thud, and look back to see some drunk spinning and falling.  one point. his friend's point was earned in the parking lot of a k-mart.  they had been in the store, being just generally obnoxious.  nothing illegal, but harrasing customers, playing football, etc.  as they are leaving, the manager comes out, and stands in front of their car with his hand up.  he tried to dive out of the way, but flipped off the corner of the hood. i also have a point, but that's for another post.  
  so you now how when your clicking away at lowbrow and you get in a sorry_e_e stretch, continuous bullshit from that fucker who posts like every damn day and you read a few and then get addicted and want to keep reading  and then get a batch of limbos or snike rep t whatever the fucks? and start "jonesing" for more of sorrys crap? don't fucking lie, you know what i mean. well, i finally emailed the "sorry bastard" and got a nifty little prize! check it out! (i'm not using my real email address, cos i don't wanna piss him off and have him lock my ass out or something...) p.s. what the hell ever happened to the "burning penguin boy"? -- old brower   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Forgot my computer glasses and had to take a quick trip home to retrieve them.  On the way I'm stopped because of a wreck involving three pick-up trucks and two compact cars. The EMS was picking up broken bodies.  This happened at an intersection that should have slow traffic. The wreck shouldn't have happened.  Just another day in this small, red-necked, low-intelligent human inhabited Texas town.  I'm getting out - very soon now.  The Insurance companies and Body shops do a booming business here.  
  Walking around the islands crowded with fads in the department store I come across a small girl.  A pretty little thing she was.  Near her is a stroller containing a gurgling baby.  "That's my sister" she says "Really?  Well she's very cute" I reply "Wanna know how old she is?" "Sure...how old?" "This many" says the beaming 6 year old, flipping me the bird.  Children are so cruel ::sigh::  
  I just opened a bag of M&Ms and decided to have an M&M war. I saved out 3 reds, blues, yellows, greens, oranges, and browns. I paired them off so there were no two of the same pairings. I then picked up one pair, placed them face to face, and squeezed them between my thumb and fore finger until one of them cracked. I ate the cracked one and set the "winner" aside. I continued, then paired winners against winners until I had the world champ. Actually I ended up with two yellows so I didn't have them fight, I just ate them. So only one of the 3 yellows broke and that was in the first round. In the first round, all the greens broke.   So what's the value of this little test? Well, if you open a bag of M&Ms and dump them in your hand, the thin skin ones should be eaten first because they will be the first ones to "bleed" into your hand. Given that, eat them in this order:  Green Blue Orange Red Brown Yellow   It's actually easy to remember. Gordon Borby was the one who invented a way to encapsulate little pieces of chocolate in candy. You know, G(reen). B(lue)o(range)r(ed)b(rown)y(ellow).    You believe all this, right?   
  ah, the post-coital lowbrow fix.  he at his computer and i at mine.  we have an understanding, it seems.  
  We departed the motel quietly, kind of embarrased that we had made the bed look like there was a murder there.  She had her period, but we made some wonderful love that night.  The little Indian guy had closed the front office for the night, and as I was about to slip the room key into the slot, a horny looking young couple approached us and asked if they could use our room.  I said, um, you don't want to go in there, dude, but he insisted.  He even gave us $25.  Since I paid in cash and gave a fictitious name, it didn't matter to me. We left and went to a bar and got really wasted. What a great night!  
  I worked with a group of Russian teachers of English for two summers in a row. They come to the US to brush up on their teaching skills and perfect their English. Our boss made us take them to WalMart.  I guess there isn't anything like that in Russia. They would spend three hours twice a week there, and still whine to go back the next day. The first time we took them last summer, one of them got lost in Walmart. But she had bleach blond hair with roots, tight clothes, and gold teeth, so we figured she'd be ok. Russian trailer trash, southern trailer trash, they look the same. Some trucker drove her home. ~puck~  
   vocabulary update:  the sometimes unisex hairstyle known as the mullet shall no longer be referred to as such.  from now on this business in the front, party in the back lapse of reason shall only be referred to by one of the two following options:  the kentucky waterfall  the canadian passport  as for underwear, men's briefs shall no longer be referred to as tighty whitey's.  they shall be referred to only as their proper title: banana hammocks.  
  You ever notice that nearly every zipper in the world is made by YKK?   That's one of those things that you find out when you're bored on the can.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just got back from visiting L.A.  Went to Santa Monica one night.  There are TONS of homeless people there.  Literally, every 10 feet is a down-and-outer with all of his earthly belongings piled up next to him carrying a sign which proclaims the severity of his plight.  There are so many homeless people that they can't possibly be getting handouts from EVERYONE.  I mean, even the most generous person would run out of pennies before the next block.  You'd think they'd spread out, move on to other cities and attempt to panhandle....  But I guess the principles of capitalism don't apply to begging.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was about this time last year that my sister-in-law emailed me a chatty little missive, and asked if I were getting a nice outfit to wear to Easter Mass.  I replied "Why? Are the bars closed?" I haven't heard from her since. Strangely, by the way, this approach does not work on spam.   
  we were in the gallery admiring the SLAW collection, "twin engines" to be exact we didnt see the woman come into the room and were quit startled when she asked have you seen two little boys up here just us was the answer  
  Ok, so layin' in bed with my wife of only a couple of months after a particularly energetic bout of sex.  I'm spooning with her and I go to say something in a "cute" voice, and inadvertantly use the wrong name.  Have you ever said something, and before the other person has even heard it, you're mentally reaching out to shove it back in your mouth?  Well, I realize that that's not gonna happen, so I just go on, making sure to use HER name a couple of times.    She doesn't say anything about it for a while, so I'm thinking I covered my tracks pretty well.....but I was only being lulled into a false sense of security, as she uses it the next time she wants to make me feel like shit....  Probably wouldn't have been so bad, if it hadn't used the name of the girl that I cheated on her with when she was out of the country for 6 months....ya think?  
  My wife was getting ready to run some errands. It was warm out and we had been working in the yard. I asked her to stop by the liquor store and get some beer.  Now mind you she has drunk all kinds of imports with me and we even discussed some different brands she might get.  She came back with some cheap ass malt liquor (High Gravity Ale) called "Side Pocket".   That shit is nasty......now I understand why you end up in jail after drinking that swill.  Needless to say I went back and got something drinkable.  By the way, WHAT THE FUCK is High Gravity Ale???  
  It was Jack In The Box.  Good burger, but I could only eat half, so I threw the wax-paper-shrouded remains over my shoulder.  It landed in an elevated planter on the wall full of plastic plants, and was all but completely hidden from view.  One and a half years later, they found and removed it.  I wonder how long Carl's Jr. would have taken...  
  tales from the banquet hall ilove it when women tip me and put the tips in my shirt pocket and tweak my nipple in the process  
  My friend Nick in high school had the habit of calling the hockey cheeleaders "Sled Dogs". We all thought it was hilarious. The cheerleaders on the other hand...  
  A six hour ride between Seattle and Portland became a nightmare in a mere ten minutes.  "Hi." he said as I sat down next to him.   "You know... you probably have hookworms.  I am a representative of The Awareness Corporation, have you ever heard of us?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  "Like shitting rip-rap," red-faced Benny told me when he left the stall after struggling with a severe bout of constipation.        
  Sitting in the food court of the nation's second larget mall, eatting chinese fast food with a few friends I noticed that they were playing Radiohead instead of the usual muzak. Forgetting to keep my thoughts inside my head I said "Fuck yeah" outloud. Radiohead is not Lynyrd Skynyrd.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in German class when I misheard someone. They said something and I heard a different word.  The word I heard made no sense except as a totally random and stupid insult, like saying bitchnuts or assqueen or something.  I started laughing my ass off at the craziness of it and everyone stared at me.  Then the mental image that the word in question described hit me and my laughter was replaced by groans of disgust.  The word I thought was said was,   "Penis-eyes"  
  "I'm bisexual...but I haven't ever been with a woman..."  "That's funny...I'm an astronaut and I've never been in space!"  own3d  
  Why is it that tube tops are inevitably worn by fat gross women, never the slim supermodel types?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         15 yrs old ... at my best friends summer beach house with her and her folks. The weekend starts off well.. within 2 hours of arriving we have already broken into a neighboring beach house for alcohol, and found their stash of dope to boot. 5 hours later we have managed to "borrow'" her fathers keys to the yacht club and stolen money from the billard table. By dinner time we have hit the corner shop and stolen soft drinks (to mix with the stolen alcohol), lighters and cigarette papers (for the stash) and hairspray (because it was there). That night we sit there innocently with her parents, waiting for them to fall asleep. By 11 pm we are dressed and ready to hit the town - but for some reason I insist on stuffing out bed with pillows. We go out, getting wildly drunk and stoned, prick teasing the local guys, slagging off the local girls. 6am we sneak back in, crawl into bed and crash. 8 am her parents get a phonecall. Its my friends brother. The phone is in the same room as where we are sleeping. We hear my friends mother say "Someone rang us at 1 am last night...was it you? The girls didn't even budge when the phone rang...". To this day I have no idea why I insisted we stuff our beds with pillows... on the other hand we still don't know if her parents knew we crept out either...wouldn;t put it past her mother to toy with us like that.  
  "Oh that's it.  Castration is the only option left."  
  i went to mcdonalds today for a steak and begal breakfast sandwich.  the pimmply-ass kid said they make them no more.  then i asked for a sourdough breakfast sandwich.   the pimmply-ass kid said they make them no more.  then i said what the fuck do you make?  he said he didnt like my tone  so i went to jack-in-the-crack for a breakfast jack  i hate mcd's  
  so we were on holiday at a cabin in the mountains. my little brother walks in (he was about 4) and he's chewin on something. my mum asks him what it is, and he replies that he found some chocolate. "there's a whole lot out there" he says. so we go outside and he shows us...and it turns out that what he thought was chocolate is in fact rabit shit-balls.  
  ok so it was a little late and he was a tad smashed but i couldnt believe these tears when he started his pathetic whimpering about not knowing what he wanted and sucking at everything he did usually i m real good about being the supportive guy and all that hooey told him to quit his crying be a man and grab the world by the nuts until you figure out what you want i hope he does        
  Dave has been bugging me to write about the time we were at a country fair in the 80's and these dudes were breakdancing on some make shift stage. At the end they asked if anyone wanted to come up and dance. Our John (not much of a dancer in any form)  volunteers to perform  something   - "hey watch this."    At his request Jeff and I rendered him unconcious on stage - you know, hyperventilate and cut off his blood flow like a wrestling move - anyway, out he goes.    He dropped like dead weight and we all jumped off stage.  For about 15 seconds he layed there jerking and moaning - flailing in general. There were only by this time a small handfull of people left watching - all girls our age.  John awoke (now this is the same  first blowjob on film and tire iron to head John   and had no idea where he was.  He sat up and looked around in a panic.  We roared.  It was great.  Oh where was a camera then?  I later ended up making out with one of those girls.  She was blonde and just a little older - gypsy fair girl - holy cow did she smell good.  
  History class. Senior year.  The assignmet is to make a coat of arms. One of the rules is that we can't use two mettalic colors.   I make the smart ass remark that we should use gold and yellow.   This girl in my group says in a perfect valley girl voice "Yellow? They didn't have yellow back then!"   Me: "I think they had the color yellow back then, Mary."  Mary: "Ohh yeah, ducks blood."  Me: "What?!?!"  
  I went into Midtown Comics this afternoon to buy a birthday present for a friend. I walk up the flight of stairs & 14 heads turn toward the door at the same time as 28 eyes collectively glaze over. OK boys. I know you've never seen live girlflesh in your native habitiat before but give me a break. You're making me feel a little weird.   
  i hate airplane lavatories. besides the recycled air, the toilets are terrible- too small, my cock touches the front rim when i sit down. worst of all, the bowl has a ledge to catch the shit before you flush. but if you drop a good sized shit, it's too heavy for the ledge, which dips and the shit slides away before you can see it, robbing you of your due satisfaction.  
  There's a Hindu method of putting your face in a bowl of water and pumping the water in through your nose and down your throat.  It's supposed to do a lot of things, like clear your sinuses and put you in touch with this or that god or whatever, like all Hindu stuff is supposed to do.  I had this book by some swami with instructions and warnings, etc.  Anyway, I tried it back then when I was into that shit, being a hippie and all.    The fact that I'm here to post about it right now is directly attributable to sheer luck, as I nearly drowned, having aspirated about two cups of water which I quite fervently and faithfully inhaled through my submerged nose.  That Hindu group of god's must STILL be laughing about that one.    
  When he finished telling them what exactly it would take to survive, they realized that in fact he was leaving and would no longer be there to protect them. Sensing the tension in the room he turns to them and narrows his eyes. "When things look bad and it looks like you're not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plum mad-dog mean. Because if you lose your head and give up, then you neither live nor win. And that's just the way it is."        
  Some wierdo goth chick that goes to my school in my gov't class (total lesbain or so I thought...): " blah blah balh Grifter blah blah blah..."  Me: "Wait... did u say Grifter?"  She: "Yea why?"  Me: "oh just reminded me of my cosin he goes by that name all the time."  She: "um.... what's his name...?"  Me: "P*****"  She: "S*********?"  Me: "Yea...."  She: "No shit? I fucked your cosin I gotta tell him about it"  FUCK didn't need to know that...  BTW she is like 17 and he's like 23...  
  So file sharing hurts the recording industry huh?  Judging by the latest episode of "MTV Cribs", it doesnt look like they are hurting THAT bad...  Fuck off Britney...  
      95 straight days of rain. More to come later.  I think I'm growing moss.  
  the bus ride home from school was alwaze fun.....  this particular week, we entertained ourselves with impromptu games of "stacks on", piling ourselves on top of an unsuspecting dude.  wednesday-  pollen count: high temperature: 32 degrees (C)  humidity: 80% dude: cystic fibrosis sufferer. outcome: serious exacerbation; 3 weeks in hospital coughing up 3-4 coffee cups of purulent sputum a day.  the bus ride from home was alwaze fun the next week we just threw sticks at each other.  lunch that day: sausage roll in a roll   
  He dumped me for a girl even he calls trailer trash. I went to their wedding and cried, after I flipped off the bride as she walked down the aisle.   I was the only one of his friends who bothered to come. Even his best man ditched him, and his ex-stepdad had to wear the tux.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i said, "my girlfriend fucks like a rabid hamster." he said, "wow, that's great.....mine fucks like a walrus." I tried so hard not to interupt the teacher with my fit of laughter. whenever i'm sad, i think of that moment.  
  I heard somone say that pokiemon means "pocket monster" in english.   and to think my ex-girlfriend was just trying to collect em all......  
  When I was but a scrawny lad of 15 I had a friend who'se dog would always pee on people.  I'd go over to his house and if they didn't tie the damned thing up he'd piss all over my leg.  One day I went over after just getting new shoes (as I had outgrown the last pair) and that little beast pissed all over them.  I grabbed the dog and tied him to his "guest place tree" and chased him around the tree until he had wound the rope around the tree and was then pinned against the tree.  Then I pissed all over the dog.  Not only did that dog never pee on me again, it never got withing 15 feet of me.  
  the carstop in southie used to have a waitress in her sixties that didnt wear her dentures and always gave you shots of clear tequilla everytime you tipped her the stuff was horrid now its a brass and fern bar where plastic brad meets polly ethylene for a californian chardonnay before they have multiply protected sex in his apartment with the air purifier i liked it better when the old geezers would take bets at two pm on how many minutes into the show it would be before the beaver fucked up and wally would say gee i dont know beev there was a winner everytime        
  Some of you may have noticed my explanation of the aussie term 'taking the piss'.  A prime example - Kylie Minogue riding into the Sydney Olympics opening ceremony on a giant thong(flip-flop for you yanks out there).  I tend to avoid television, and saw this for the first time on a website tonight (July 2002) and nearly cacked myself.  This is EXACTLY what taking the piss is about.  It's a complete piss-take, and all the aussies are laughing their arses off.  
  Guys who can draw are sexy. Guys who can draw caricatures of you and him in all sorts of twisted sexual positions are marriage material.  
   "Jeffrey! Wake up, Honey, it's time for bed." his mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs. "But Mom, I was already sleeping..." Jeff got dressed and went to the morgue. ( The school was being repaired after the tremendous hailstorm of 1976.) On his way, he passed the usual quaint little stores and shops along the way... There was the Hot Dog Stand, the German Novelty Store, Cadavers R' Us, Opium and other Mystical Drugs, and many others. He continued on his way and passed by his favorite place- the Bovine Factory!   At the Bovine Factory, they made all kinds of cows and dairy related products. One day, when he was five, the paternal man took him there. (The paternal man was just a cardboard cutout of Jeff's father who had died years earlier in a boaking accident.) At the Bovine factory, Jeff got to see them make all kinds of nifty and scary things. He saw them milk the cows, churn the butter, and his favorite, build the cheese! Jeff was always fascinated by the fabrication of cheese and cheese-related prooducts. For Christmas last year, Jeff requested 300 gallons of Easy Cheese and 400 tons of cheddar.   Jeff began to ponder another visit to the Bovine Factory, it had been years since he had been, and he figured that there must have been countless increases in the technology of cheese creation. Jeff decided that one quick little visit to the Bovine Factory couldn't hurt him. After all, today at the morgue they were just teaching about the fires of Afganistan. Like Jeff really could care.  Jeff covertly entered the factory. At once, he was in awe at the site of all those dairy products. While he was busy frolicking throughout the cow stalls, he saw it. There it was, his favorite thing- a giant vat of cottage cheese. Seizing his only oppurtunity, Jeff ran and swandived into the cottage cheese. But what's this? The cheese hadn't fermented yet; the mice were still alive! Jeff was going to be dashed to pieces...  At that instant, Jeff awoke cold and sweaty in his box. When were the masters going to change his newspapers? The smell was absolutely atrocious.. His water was low, and his wheel was broken... Uh oh, what was that? Something stirred on the other end of the table... It was Fluffy, the cat! Oh no!  At that instant, Jeff awoke cold and sweaty in his box. The rain continued to patter incessantly on the cardboard above him. The stairmaster box he loved so dear was slowly collapsing... Tomorrow he would go out and find a Whirlpool...   Jeff dug his grimy fingers through his filthy knapsack, looking for something. Then he pulled out something orange and hard. It was his pet cheese, just like the one his brother Jonny had gotten. It had babies. And Jeff got one. Jeff loved Sparky with all his heart. At times, Sparky was his only companion. Jeff caressed Sparky... He loved that cheese so dearly....    
  tales of a firecrotch cont... i used to work in a record store.  one of the managers, a dude, never believed me that my red hair was real, cause my eyebrows are brown. it's near closing time, and it's only me, him, another chick who worked there, and one customer in the store.  he's trying to get me to prove that i'm a redhead.  well, my happytrail's brown too, so i can't just lift up my shirt or anything. after about 10 minutes of debate, i sarcastically ask "what you wanna see my pubes or something to prove my hair's real?" him "yeah" okay, so there's video cameras all over the store, and a customer, and we're on the corner of a busy intersection. the customer had made his way to the counter. "go ahead dude," he says. "show him.  i won't tell anyone." what the fuck is guys' fascination with firecrotches?  
  The best part about having two parents who are nurses are scubs for pajamas...  And Viagra and OcyContin pens and notepads.    
  My Dad's First Lowbrow  (I'm so proud!)  My dad was attending a used goods auction.  Lo and behold, he sees someone that he had done business with before and hadn't seen in years.  Naturally, my father walks up to this man to engage in some casual conversation to pass some time.  Dad -- "Hey there, Bob!  Long time no see, how are you these days?"  Bob -- "Not well at all.  I'm dying."  That wasn't the end of it.  He also went into the gory details of how awful his tumor is, and how all the doctors have given up on him, etc etc.    My dad was obviously trying to lighten up the situation with little hopeful statements.  An actual response to one of these attempts was, "No, I'm a goner."  1.) That fucker needs to lighten up.  2.) If you knew *you* were going to die, would you be spending your time at a USED GOODS AUCTION?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          When exchanging pics with someone you've been chatting up online, it's a VERY bad sign when he sends you a picture of himself with a tv playing professional wrestling in the backgroud.  
  We were talking about incidents of getting carded.  I'm only 18 so it happens all the time, but even more so because I have braces.  I said: "yeah, I look 12 with these things"  and he said: "yeah.. you do.  But I've never seen a 12 year old with a rack like that."  
  I took a fairly large test for chemistry last year.  I barely passed, you know, splitting hair between a D and an E.   You know, the bullshit that comes with science, I'll never use in real life, but you should probably memorize for the class?  I hate memorization.  Later that week, I realized I had lost my calculator. I searched frantically for it in all my classes. Chemistry came at the end of the day and I asked my Tripus if he had seen it.   He opened up his drawer with half a dozen calculators, and brought one out that looked just like mine. I examined the screen, which had a scratch, just like my own.  "This is yours? Hmm, yes, the one with all the equations for my test written on the case."  
  what I wanted to say:"Goddamn fucking damn it, keep your mouth shut sometimes!! If all you can say is uneducated, uncultured backwoods redneck folklore and not recognize when something is actually intelligent, then please spare us the pain of hearing your voice!"  what i did say:  "really? I actually kind of liked the movie."  I guess its just an opinion afterall  
        We are talking about some CrAzY serious topic, and all of a sudden he blurts out, "I want to be a salamander."  "You are _oh_so_ weird"  I tell him.  He ponders this thought in silence.  "That very well may be... BUT... Which is worse?  Me being weird, or you dating me?"  I am humbled.  
  I was about to buy a lowbrow.com t-shirt for twenty bucks when I thought "Hey, if i'm going to be some kind of walking billboard then those assholes should be paying me to wear their shit!"  Then I put on my twenty-five dollar adidas cap and headed to the basketball court.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I finally found a great doctor. I'm keeping this one. Not only does he take lots of time with me and discusses his diagnosis at length, but I can  almost always  get an appointment with him immediately. I guess most people in this enlightened little town would literally rather die than be examined by a Pakistani. He tells me he's going to fix my (literally) running illness. Gives me two scripts, but warns they won't kick in for a few days. He asks if I'd be interested in some 3rd World folk medicine in the meantime. I'm all ears, so he tells me to make up a big batch of "Pakinstani Backcountry Gatorade."* Next, he puts me on the BRAT diet** for two weeks. He's about to explain the acronym, but I cut him off: "But my stepdaughter is  way  too skinny. I'd starve to death!" I told that one to my estranged wife. She clouted me hard, but then couldn't help herself, and started giggling. Two hours into my new diet, I can already tell it's literally just what the doctor ordered. ------- *Pakistani Backcountry Gatorade: Fresh lime juice, water, salt and a little sugar. **Bananas; Rice; Applesauce; Toast and Tea.  
  since no-one wants to kiss me sober, i'll play with a cigarette instead.  whether there will be blood or just cancer has yet to be decided.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Be highly suspicious of your own memories. They become warm and fuzzy, both around the edge and through and through. Their mutations seriously alter one's perception of history and reality.  EXAMPLE:  Memory: I went canoeing in the northern Canadaian wilderness. It was amazing. Beautiful skies, lakes, and rivers! Shooting rapids, fishing for walleye, smoking and sipping whisky by the campfire, good honest work with good solid friends.   Sounds romantic, huh!  Reality:  Having completed only a quarter-mile of a one-mile long portage, I am standing up to my knees in mud with a fucking 90lb unwieldy canoe on my head, stinky with sweat,  there are greenhead flies in my ears, blackflies biting my arms and legs, and dozens of stripey i-don't-know-what-the-fucking-kind-of-tiger-like mosquitoes in my eyes and up my nose and I can't do a fucking thing about it other than make snorting snorting noises becuase of this boat on my head.   Sounds romantic, huh?   
  My freshman year of college, it snowed about two feet during fall finals week.  Pissed off that finals couldn't be canceled and everyone still had to wade through the snow to take tests, some clever college student stompped out the words 'Fuck Finals' in the snow outside my dorm.  Every day for a week, hundreds of campus and city workers drove by the snow graffiti and never had a clue.  
  Who does he think he is pulling a gun on me and saying Freeze punk.  I mean really.  I had to drop my pound of cocaine. Then he has the balls to jump on me with his other blue friends and put metal restraint cuffs on my hands.  Then when I resisted he sprayed pepper spray in my face.  I mean really.  Who does he think he is.  Then when I press charges the judge and jury agree with him.. Its a conspiricy.  I mean seriously.  
  High school days:  Her dad burst into the room, took in the articles of clothing scattered around the room and the entwined pair on the bed, and said, "What is the meaning of this?!"  I paused and then told him, "It's a pronoun.  It's used to refer indirectly to a person, place, thing, idea, or event."  Yeah, I got my ass kicked, but you have to admit: that was a good one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Behind the desk entry #1  I work for a computer distributor. I manage the sales team. They've recently "promoted" me to purchasing as well. Basically doing the job of 3 people.  I get the stupidest requests from the sales team. How'd I ever not notice the level of stupidity around here.  him: Hey, can we order the parallel dongle switch for autocad ver x.xxx?  me: uhm...  him: the client really wants it.  me: do we sell autocad?  him: uh, no?  me: do you see autocad on our pricelist?  him: no  me: Then why in God's name would you think I can get something like that?  him: But the client wants it.  me: ...  Needless to say, there's a reason all the major manufacturers send you those plushy squeezie release stress things. You really, really, really, need them.  
  He had been away for six months, no contact with women at all.  So she decided to tease him while giving him a blow job.  She would get him to the point where he was about to come, then she would stop, look at him and laugh.  He got a bit tired of this, so when she looked up the last time, he came in her nostrils.  She ran around with a kleenex for tow hours afterward making really funny sniffing sounds.  
  A friend of mine once told me that on a long road trip she peed while driving. Guys do this all the time, but i was curious how a girl would go about it. Turns out she used a large ziplock bag filled with napkins to keep it open. I get all kinds of funny mental images when i try to picture her squating over a ziplock bag while driving.  I offered her $10 to do it again and let me watch. She punched me in the arm and called me a name. Also, she told me not to ever tell this story to anyone else. You guys don't count, though, right?  
  My friend and I have spent over 500 dollars on porn by the time we graduated highschool.  We even had a fine collection of dvd's.  We also had expensive tapes and magazines.    we had a conference.    We couldn't leave them in our rooms because our mothers would find them and throw them out when they transformed our rooms into whatever they had been dreaming of transforming them into all these years.    We had a solution.    We triple bagged, and double tupperwared every fucking pice of porn that we had.    Then we took it out to the nature reservation behind my friend's and buried it by a fort we had built many years before.    We spent 80 dollars just to bury the stuff, and haven't dug it up since.  I still remember where it's buried and which tapes and mags are mine.    Yes, I am an addict.   
  Many years ago in high school, I learned a new word. I thought it was a nonsense word, but it turns out that it wasn't. The word was "twat". I, an inexperienced fifteen-year-old who never even said, "crap". So I learned this word and started calling everybody I knew a twat, just because it was such a funny inoocent-sounding word. I called teachers, friends, guys, girls, and everything I could think of  a twat. I mentioned it to my parents at home once, and they glanced at each other, sighed, and told me that it was really a derogatory term for some female anatomy. I was mortified!  
  When I see someone with a mullet, but with a clean shirt and nice shoes, I think, "wow, that guy/girl has crawled out of some dank trailer park and made something of their life... They don't have to change motor oil, or scrape rust off of money to buy beer.  What's stopping me from moving up?."  Some people tell me it's my mullet that keeps me down.  Some people say it's my fat beer gut and brown teeth.  Some say it's my ex-wife.  Most of the money I make selling fishing tackle does go to my ex-wife, but it comes right back when she buys drugs.  So that ain't it.  Time is on my side though.  Just wait and see.  I'll get my chance someday.      
  When I first started going to the gym, I used to swim with the senior citizens early in the morning, so there was someone I could be faster than.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  there's actually dehydrated cooked chicken in Chicken in a Biskit crackers...  Turn Every Day Into A Party!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I met John Waters, I asked him if he really thought the Beatles were "those honkies who ruined Rock and Roll."  He said "Yes."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my dad decided that we needed a dog. A *boy* dog.  He felt immasculated, what with my mother and her lesbian lover living downstairs, my sister and me upstairs with him.   He needed some testosterone added to balance things a little. We had him neutered 2 months after we got him.   Dad was sullen that week, and couldn't look at the dog without sighing for a while.  
  i was driving too fast but she pulled out in front of me and sped up to the red light less than a hundred feet away screech i missed her and the two guys on the curb i got out and walked over she obviously didnt want to hear it i asked her to be careful she stopped stunned we could have killed your three kids youve got kids in your car please be careful said i she stared her kids all pre teen looked up at me like fuck we couldve just got killed         
  I grew up in a town called Climax.  Every time I met someone away from my town they thought it was the funniest thing in the world to make dumb sex jokes.  As if I hadn't already heard them all.  As if those jokes weren't already on T-shirts in the local liquor store.  As if those people were smart or funny at all. Just once, I prayed to a nonexistent god, just once won't they be original?? Alas, I am still disappointed...      
  the driver in front of me slammed on his brakes.. in the middle of empty road... now why would he want to do a thing like that? turns out he was stopping to avoid hitting a little chipmunk...  i would've just kept going...        
  Orgasm, Shmorgasm. Never once in the course of the over-rated banana-stabbing act have I been moved to anything but yawning and glancing at the clock.  Recently I fell in love with a fictional character in a really funny novel. He was nicknamed after a type of lizard. He's easily the finest man I've "met". I bought a tiny pair of silver lizard earrings and put them on in his honor.  Call it my version of a happy marriage.         
  Scrotal Infusion  Take a 1 litre bag of saline solution, a 20 gauge needle, some surgical tape, and some tubing. Heat the solution to body temperature, very important. Then stick the needle in your scrote and hang the bag. Drain the contents of the saline bag into scrote and remove needle.   Why do men do this? So their genitals are "distinctive" To prove that they are their genitals and they'll do what they like with them.  I think it's because the next day, the saline drains into your cock, swelling it to the size and shape of a beer can.  No shit.  
  I'm over at this girl's house, her family's fixing us dinner, we sit down at the table to eat. They pray (I have a hard enough time not giggling at the silly parts). Then her mom uncovers the main dish.  It's honey-baked ham.  I can't stand honey-baked ham. So I say, all smooth-like and polite, "Ew, I hate honey-baked ham." Only after everyone's head turned my way did I realize that I'd said that out loud. I ended up having three helpings of that disgusting crap, just to get them to believe I was joking.  And even then I don't think they did. Eh, well.  
  Ever notice that strong cofee smells a little bit like dog shit?  Not a lot, really, but just a little bit.  Right now, this sounds ridiculous to you, but next time you're outside and you happen to have the blessed luck of having the odor of a fresh steaming pile waft toward you, you will remember this, you will think about it, and you will agree.  Coffee smells a little like dog shit.        
  dog tricks   the only thing that's kept me going for the past three years is my dog.  no one but me would put up with her, demanding little bitch that she is.  if i decide i've had enough, i'd have to take her with me, and that doesn't seem fair, either.  maybe it's fate that this little high-maintenance princess and i ended up with each other.  anybody else would have already euthanized her obnoxious little ass.  i could never leave her.  i would never leave her.  amazing, the tricks you can learn from animals.  i should pay more attention.  
  I desperately and seriously want to sleep with my rabbi. I have gone so far as to research whether Conservative rabbis are allowed to fornicate.  The good news is I'm consistently the hottest girl at shul.  
  One time last fall, when my boyfriend and I were messing around a bit, I went to take a leak.  Since we were getting pretty hot, I was in a big hurry.  Upon returning, he decided to go down on me.  After he disappeared under the blanket, (thank god he has a sense of humor) he came back up laughing, and holding little bits of rolled up toilet paper.  I guess I was in too much of a hurry.  
  I once worked with a guy who was pretty naive.  Nice guy, but naive.  He was from Kentucky.  Anyway, one day I am up flirting with our receptionist and he was up there as well.  I think our receptionist liked him, but he was off limits because he was engaged and she was moral like that.  I asked him what the abbreviation for Kentucky was.  He thought for a second and said "KY".  Both the receptionist and I started laughing and he just stood there clueless.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When my son turned 21, he decided he would buy me a beer at my favorite beer joint. He did and had to show ID (he s very young looking even now at 29). I drank my beer and he his soft drink (I called it soft drink for internet purposes. In Texas we call all soft drinks cokes) and we played a game of pool.  While we were playing, the jukebox blared C&W music and my son began singing along with the record. I was astounded.  How the hell do you know the words to that song?  I asked him. He said,  Well, working in this county, that s all you hear all day so I ve learned all the lyrics.  I quickly and speedily RAN to the jukebox and played  Stroking  by Clarence Carter.  Aw mom , he said.  Don t they have alternative music? Uh, forget I asked that.  We smirked at each other knowingly and then laughed. He beat me at pool.   
  I'm in a bar called Fat Harry's in New Orleans working it with an incredibly hot chick. We have already agreed to a date and exchange of phone numbers and it's near 3 am and we are really clicking.  All of sudden, my stomach turns and I have to take a major dump. I head to the bathroom and the men's bathroom door doesn't lock and all there is is a can w/ yak, and toilet paper and piss all over the place.  I decide to hold it.  I go back to the chick and say let's get out of here. Too distracted to make an advance I put her in a cab and send her home. I live about five blocks from the bar, I walk home. All of sudden I just have to go. I turn down a side street and dump in somebody's front yard in the darkness.  I go home and clean my self and pass out.  Next afternoon, the chick calls me and says let's go out tonight. During the evening she says how impressed she was that I didn't make a move last night. We go back to her place and screw for five days straight.  That was the luckiest dump I ever took.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Even More Limbo Name-Dropping  I used to know Bruce Lee. I really did. He worked in the cubicle next to me, in Boston Chinatown.  (O.K. - so once again you've figgered out it's just some guy with the same name. Ain't you smart! Funny thing is that my actual name is also accidently famous, in a minor way, so our paired cubicles were a real source of amusement throughout the company.)  Even though he was from Hong Kong, I asked him to unravel the mysteries of the many local Chinese restaurants that didn't exactly seem to  cater  to a Western clientele. Bruce: "Oh, that's easy! Just ignore the menu they hand you!" He took me out to "the best restaurant in Chinatown." I'm glad he told me in advance, because it seemed like all the others: time-honoured Formica tabletops and wobbly chairs. Waiter threw menus at us. Bruce threw them back, and started barking away. Waiter scribbled frantically, bowed, and retreated backwards, still bowing. Bruce: "Trust me, little grasshopper..." Main courses were a long time coming, but the soup wasn't. A complete culinary education in a soup bowl. I realized I was in heaven, but then the main dishes arrived. Me: "???" Bruce: "Just eat." The only coherent thought I had, other than "Mmmmmmmm," was: Why don't they trust Westerners with this amazing stuff?" We only had an hour, but I bloody well bowed to Bruce all the way back to our cubicles. I got my revenge, though. I took him to my favourite Thai hole-in-the-wall and blew out his taste-buds for a week...  
  OK, so at this point in my life, I haven't had a lot of sex.  I still had some trouble with that moment when the condom goes on...it took too long, sort of a mood breaker.  I meant to practice, but it's not every day you say to yourself, "Hey, I'm gonna go lock myself in the crapper and try on condoms."  Anyway.  So here I am with a new girl.  The moment arrives.  I'm trying to get it on, it's not working.  I try some more, still not working.  She tries.  She starts laughing.  I say "Oh god, what are you laughing at?"  She goes "The size." (still laughing)  I say "Ohhhhhh, don't tell me that," and cover my face with my hands.  She says "No no no, these are too small.  You need an extra-large."  Fastest emotional 180 I've ever done in my entire life.  
  About 4 years ago I was sitting at the back of the school bus on the way in, with some kids that were about 2 years younger than me.   The conversation arises about what to do if a dog bites you.  "You stick your finger up its ass and it lets go." Someone said, I had also heard this before and assumed it to be true.   The bus trundles on for about 5 minutes  "I wonder how many you could get up there" One of the little uns says  "Eh?"  "Fingers, I wonder how many fingers you could get up a dog."  Needless to say we didnt speak to him much after that.  
  ah the subconscious i woke from the flypaper with my head on the window sill all night playing bozo will do that to you with one word that kept repeating in my head over and over cataldo i asked everyone that early morning what the fuck the word meant someone said the only cataldo i know is the towing company that i didnt let them finish i ran from the house two blocks in my socks to my truck i was parked illegally and the cataldo tow truck was three cars away collecting the sinners from my side of the street         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you have to wonder what it says about america that catholic school girls are a sexual icon.  just something about those pleated skirts, man.  
  Someone just said they hate it when they poop and cold water splashes up on thier ass-hole...  I actually find it quite refreshing, besides makes for a much cleaner swipe.  
  Yeah, so God and I were hitting on this massive bong, and it was like: "whhhoooaaaa!" and then Jesus fell down onto the ground and started laughing his ass off--he was really stoned an' all--and it was cool, man.  
  beer bottles on the floor, cigarette butts in the ashtrays, and a single bottle of 101 proof wild turkey lying empty by the toilet...  door opens...  "hi, sweetie, we're home a little early....why are you running around the house like that?"   parents always ruin a perfectly good hangover.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Two hours into the long weekend and we've started on the three-gulp martinis. By the end of the night we're just basically gabbing anything remotely looking like a drink container and filling it with vodka. Aren't we the cutest!  Fast-forward to the morning.  Good, I made it to bed last night, hmmm, but what's all over my face? And my bed, and my clothes? Wow, would you look at the floor! Looks like I spent the night on the teacups at VomitLand.  Prob'ly the lowest-brow moment of all of them - and there were quite a few - is me taking the soiled comforter to the toilet, dipping it in the bowl and SCRAPING the puke into the water, flushing, and repeating. Then lying, moaning, next to the bath tub, then getting up, still drunk, and renting a steam-vac.  I think I might have a problem. Next time I think I'll sleep in the tub.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've gone to Disney World so often it's sick. When I was younger (18 now), I went twice a summer, and once around halloween. For the past couple of years, it was once a summer, and then at halloween. It would have been boring, about a year back, if I hadn't gotten permission from my family to bring my girlfriend along. How great is that? We have a blast, at the parks and in Downtown Disney. Then, the second day of the trip, the greatest thing happens. We're alone in the resort room. You know, the good ones, that are run by Disney themselves? Yeah. The Old Key West Resort, one of the newer, and better places around. We're messing around, and end up having sex on the huge beds, a great time. Guess what? I was a virgin. Yep, that's right. I lost my virginity at Disney World.  Happiest place on earth takes on a whole new meaning.  
  i was out for a refreshing bike ride down to partake in the goodness known as chili fries with carcass and "the b".  i was not one and a half blocks away when my cell phone beeps. i pick it up and say hello.  i then hit a rather huge uprisen sidewalk plate head on and proceed to fly forward off of the cruiser.   the pedal digs into my shin and i protect my head with my arm and get the most beautiful amount of flesh exposed near my elbow.  i look back atthe cruiser and it's completely overturned on the handlebars and seat as if someone were changing a tire.   i get back on dripping blood and we get to the grease hole. they refused to give me a wet napkin. instead, an alcohol pad.  
  And so that was the day I learned the most important lesson of my life.  Don't ever put full strength deodorant on your underwear because it will break your balls out with a rash.   
  Ever since I was 13 or so (I'm 22 now, for reference) there's been this girl that's appeared in my dreams on a near-nightly basis.  These aren't necessarily sexual dreams, just, you know, dreams with a recurring cast member.  One time she was part of a group of friends, some real and some not, that was helping me install a new CD player at my grandparents' house, so the subject matter varied wildly.  She was dissimilar to anyone I knew in real life, so I assumed that she was just the manifestation of what my subconscious saw as my "dream girl".  This went on for better than six years.  At the beginning of 1999 I moved for a new job.  Three months later I met her.  She's the daughter of one of the accountants at the company and was, at the time, one of the college students they'd bring in during breaks as not-quite-interns.  The first time I saw her I assumed it was a really boring, realistic dream about going to work.  It was not.  [It occurs to me suddenly that I probably can't tell this story using only pronouns.  Therefore, I shall apply the name "Molly" to the girl I'm crushing on and the name "Sharon" to our mutual friend who enters the story later.  This way my secret remains safe and I get to play like one of those investigative journalist guys.]  I was the youngest person in the office by seven years, so when summer came around I made a point of making friends with the students that were then working basically full-time.  It didn't take long to find out she had a boyfriend or, apparently, to paint myself as an egomaniacal prick.  I still don't know exactly how the latter bit came to pass and I doubt I'll ever figure it out.  Sharon, another not-quite-intern with whom I became fast friends, caught on to my crush quite readily but I didn't do anything about it because, you know, I don't want to fuck up other people's stuff.  This went on the rest of the summer and through the fall and winter breaks and working afternoons.  Molly was friendly and I began thinking the egomaniacal prick stuff was just an initial reaction which was now fading.  Nothing substantive developed, though, because I was so staunchly trying to avoid the dreaded Friend Zone.  I have plenty of friends, I figured, and being friends with her would probably be torturous.  A little bit after the new year I was over at Sharon's place, helping her set up her new computer.  She mentioned something about Molly being newly single and I almost wished I was drinking something so I could do a spit-take.  She assumed I knew, apparently, but this was the first I'd heard of it.  I asked her point blank, right then, how she would handicap my chances.  She tells me that Molly's enjoying being single and to give her some time.  I'm still not sure how much of that was just diplomacy.  At work the next day, Sharon comes running over to tell me there's some big office/shop romance going on but she can't tell me anything about it.  Doesn't matter, because everything else about it has already clicked in my head.  We go for drinks after work and I tell her, regarding said romance, that she should warn me if I'm going to make an ass of myself.  I'm going to do just that, she says.  Flash forward a couple months to the farm party (this is the same farm party I recently detailed in the WEF Pucker thread, BTW).  Following several drunken insinuations by Sharon, Molly protests that they're just friends, nothing's going on and, most fervently, she hasn't seen his dick.  I have no idea why seeing his dick was up for conversation but with the amount of alcohol that was in my system I'm lucky I even remember being there.  Unfortunately, I made something of a loud ass out of myself at the farm party, which apparently brought some of the egomaniacal prick stuff back into play.  I decided to give up worrying about the Friend Zone and work on digging out of the ass hole.  I spent the next few months watching my every word, every behavior, to keep things pleasant, friendly and in line.  She was interested in finding new music, I made her a mix.  Things were going swimmingly until the first week in July, Sharon comes over to my cube in tears, telling me they've canned all the not-quite-interns.  Slack market, tight budget, etc, etc.  This is bad.  I was ready to make my move but now I'd have no opportunity.  I don't know Molly's number, it's not listed and I have this admittedly ridiculous fear about getting numbers through third parties; there are few questions that shake me more than, "How did you get my number?"  Move up a month.  It's the company picnic.  The not-quite-interns were all children of company employees, so everybody's there.  Molly's trying to get rid of an extra concert ticket (I cannot say what concert for fear of revealing the depth of my obsession and of my crush's occasional bad taste but believe me, I should get big bonus points for this) and Sharon can't go.  I'm next on the depth chart, apparently; I try to play it all cool -- "Hm, I don't know.  Who's opening?" -- but, of course, jump on the ticket.  The added plus is that I got an excuse to leave the picnic after being there for only 30 minutes, plus I won bungee cords in the door prize drawing.  The whole thing goes astoundingly well.  Sharon and Molly both told me beforehand not to be so dark and cold (I protested that I was actually intense and just occasionally sullen) and, man, I was so not.  With the possible exception of a reference to Dr. Seuss's death during the drive to the concert -- which made plenty of sense in context -- I was fucking cool and in high spirits.  I met friends, I met her sister and her niece.  Could she bum a cigarette?  Fuck yeah, she could.  She made a point of saying, at one point, that she wasn't avoiding me, she'd just been in some lengthy discussion with Friend #1.  That seemed odd at the time but now, I don't know.  I can't read her at all, which is almost never the case with me.  Anyway.  She was staying with her sister in Milwaukee afterwards, which probably helped me because I am generally no good after concerts.  And then that was it.  I was ready to move in but still had no contact and felt paralyzed by the situation.  I saw her here and there for various things but my doubts plagued me.  I did mix CD's for people that Christmas; hers turned into what I thought was a fairly blatant love letter.  The theme elicted no response.  Then, sometime around the turn of the year, some class thing forced her to start checking her e-mail and she decided to actually use said e-mail for communication purposes.  This was a good in; we talked a ton via e-mail.  I knew she liked Weezer, I happened to have tickets for Weezer, I asked her if she wanted to go.  She did but she wasn't sure she could afford it; I lied and said the tickets were a Christmas gift.  It was a really easy lie, too, which kind of disturbed me.  Sometime in the course of the plans I got her number.  In the in-between time I come to a realization that Honesty, Sincerity and Forthrightness are the way to go.  I got into a lengthy bit of research with a female friend about how, when and where such things can be accomplished, whether it's worth doing, etc.  We decide that it's non-standard but worth a try.  After the show, it'll be time.  Day of the show.  We were going to try to get to Milwaukee a few hours early; Molly wanted to hit some body jewelry shop downtown.  That was cool, I figured.  We'd leave about 2:00, her car as mine was, literally, nine days from dying.  2:00 came.  2:30 came.  Call.  No answer.  3:00, call, nothing.  3:30, phone rings, it's her mom, using a lot of plural pronouns.  They'll (they?) be here at 4:00.  3:45, phone rings, do I mind if mom drives down with us?  No, I suppose not.  A bit after 4:00 they pull up.  Mom's going to drive down and go over to visit with the other daughter while we're at the show.  Mom works at my company, so my first reaction is that I'm not to be trusted.  My subsequent reactions are all over the map.  We do the show, everything's super great but, you know, mom being there throws everything off.  I can't tell this girl how I feel about her with her mom sitting there.  I put things on hold to do further research about whether this can be done over the phone.  We decide it can.  A few days later I call her and just lay my cards on the table.  Flat out, I like you like that and I didn't think it was fair to either one of us not to say anything.  And I am shot down.  To her credit, it was one of the best shootdowns I've ever received.  Strangely, she said she just wanted to be friends but "[didn't] know why."  Then, in a total class segue, she asked if I'd sent her something from Crushlink (I hadn't).  This allowed for a superbly smooth exit from the initial subject, for which I was extremely grateful.  She thought it was me because I'm the only guy who has her e-mail address, which also struck me as strange.  But anyway, we talked for a while and that was it.  I felt like whatever was going to happen next had to be her move.  About a month and a half later she called and asked if I'd meet her somewhere to look over her final projects for her art theory class.  I was, of course, pleased to do so.  The next day she stopped in at the office to get my opinion on her final stuff for photography.  A couple weeks later she was in Madison for the summer without a phone or e-mail.  I managed to set something up, via mom, for Milwaukee's Summerfest on the 4th of July which fell through at the last minute (luckily for my pride, I was going to the 'Fest one way or the other anyway).  A few weeks later I got laid off.  Molly had finally gotten a phone hooked up and called me three days later on an unrelated matter; nobody knew where mom was, apparently, and had she been at work this week?  She gave me her number down there, even though it'd only be good for a couple weeks.  I called her the next week because I had to be in Milwaukee and did she want to get together for dinner or something but she had to be at a gallery opening.  Hey, if I'm in Madison for a job interview in the next couple weeks I should come check it out, she says.  Because I'm an idiot I don't find an excuse to go to Madison and because I've basically abandoned honesty for sneakiness I don't just go for the gallery.  This was the day before she turned 21, incidentally, and five days before she came back to Green Bay.  There had been talk about a bunch of people possibly partying it up that following weekend, talk which I didn't follow up on partly because I didn't want to have to talk to mom about the layoffs and partly because I'm a fucking frightened cretin.  When I called her the next weekend, she (and everyone else I know in this town, as it turned out) was out of town.  I asked mom to tell her I'd called.  That was three weekends ago.  I'm used to being the one that makes people come to them in any sort of relationship.  I'm used to knowing what people are thinking without them saying it.  I have neither of those luxuries here and I fear I'm too scared to crawl out of the Friend Zone without them.  
  I went to get my first tattoo many years ago.  I wanted to get my girlfriends (later fiancee') name on my arm.  The stupid bitch tattooist wouldn't do it.  She said I'd probably later regret it and she wouldn't want to be responsible for something that harsh.  I cursed her and ended up getting "The Exploited" skull instead.  I've been broken up with that girl for 10 years now.  WHEW!!! Man was she right!    Too bad I regret having this dumbass skull on my arm.  Stupid bitch!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the end of a particularly heavy night of beer fueled mayhem I decided that I wanted a kebab. I don't usually go for food after a night out but this time I wanted a kebab.  Having spent ages trying to find a kebab shop that wasn't rammed full of people I chanced upon a quiet one with only a couple of people inside.  I ordered my kebab without a care in the world and proceeded to eat it. Thats when I realised why there was no queue for this particular kebab shop.  To top it all off it started raining which made the kebab cold, wet and caused the fat to congeal.  Uuuuuurgh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my summer job I worked at a BP really close to my house. These two guys who I had graduated with from high school the year before came by and asked me for directions to a house for a party. Well knowing the assholes that they were I sent them in the completely opposite direction just for the hell of it. I only later found out that they were headed to their three year old cousin's birthday party... they are probably still looking for that house...  
  i don't think my friend is gonna post this, but i gotta, coz i'm still laughing...  my friend was all cracked out one night, comin' down offa something, and he was playing with our friend's dog.  after petting the dog for awhile, he turns to me and says that he has a psychic connection with the dog--  he says he's sending the dog all of his thoughts.... IMMEDIATELY after those words leave his mouth, the dog starts licking its privates...  my friend just smiles and says  "see? i told you!"  
  I overheard my 3 year old daughter and her mother talking in the bathroom,  Is it your turn to wear a diaper?   How have 28 days slipped by so quickly?  
  The lack of proper grammar, spelling and punctuation on the brow is lowbrow in and of itself. (With the except of ee. At least his is intentional.)  Kudos to you, brow.  You are a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  My first online experiences were in AOL chat rooms.  I met a woman, chatted, got to know eachother, fell in lust - we did alot of talking on the phone.  I was a truck driver at the time, and at one point my route took me near enough (500ish miles?) to the city she lived in, that I decided to go out of my way and stop there so I could meet her in person.  I rented a motel room, called her at work, and told her I'd be staying there til the following evening.  We made plans for her to stop by in the morning, on her way to work, as that was the earliest we could meet - she was married and wouldn't be able to visit any sooner.  I was awake hours before she arrived, showered, dressed, anticipating her arrival - my room overlooked the largest parking area of the motel, so I sat at the window watching and waiting.  At one point I saw a woman who could have passed for her (going by the pictures I had seen), and I was not impressed at all.  Spur of the moment (Yes I can be a chickenshit bastard), I decided if it were here I would not answer the door.  Luckily it was not her.  whew.  A knock came at my door, I looked through the peephole and saw her, she was beautiful, so I opened up, hugged her, kissed her, and pulled her into the room.  We talked for a minute, happy to see eachother, then I laid her down on the bed and we were fucking in no time.  She had to leave almost right away so as not to be late for work - I was unable to convince her to call into work and claim being sick, so she left, and I went back to sleep.  She called me a couple of times during the day, and came back to visit me that evening on her way home.  The lowbrow of this story is while visiting me, she tried giving me head, but I couldn't get it up.  I spent all day counting the minutes til she would be back and when she finally arrives I can't perform.  What the fuck is up with that?  I was lucky enough to see her again, as I was driving through the area some time later.  We had lunch, and an all too short visit came to an end.  I haven't seen her since but sometimes I wonder how she is, and if she ever thinks about me.  Hi J.  
  So this fat fuck that lives next to me was talking about masturbatory habits/fantasies, etc. The question was asked "do you jerk off in the shower or what?" "No way. That is gross" quoteth he. He then proceeded to say he just shoots his load INTO HIS SHEETS.    
  She looked happily surprised and said,  A white boy with a big dick! Imagine that...  One of the funniest things I've ever heard anyone say... I miss that girl!  
  There may be an until now unprecedented (for me) three-way in the works. There is already me, a and also a girl I know who would probably be into it. Just need another chick. Also, the girl that is already in is ugly, though.  
  During a particularly Earthy few years in college, mostly as an experiment, I went for an entire year without shampoo, soap, toothpaste and deoderant.  In that year I discovered what is   really  important in life:  Shampoo, soap, toothpaste and deoderant.  
  I had never been able to come up with an acceptable nickname for my dick.  The other day, my wife and I are looking through an Adam & Eve catalog, and I found it!  I've informed my wife that my penis will now be referred to as the DEFLOWER TOWER.    I don't think she's going to go for it.  But in my head, I'm thinking "Yeah, come sit on the DEFLOWER TOWER".  
  me and my friend were once passing by a hospital and we saw these patients rolling quietly down the road one by one, in their own wheelchair. My friend, guess she was feeling in sarcastic mood, turns er head to me and says: "look at this... we found our new hobby!!"  you know wheelchair spotting can be a zen like experience when seeing wheelchaired sick people trying to get across an intersection without any red lights..   
  So, I'm in the kitchen with my mom and my sister.  The discussion goes over many topics, but mainly stays around the theme of my 21st birthday.  My mother says "I hope you enjoy getting your laundy done for you because as soon as you turn 21, you're doing it."  I just sit there looking at her for a couple of seconds and use the best reply possible.  "Drunk."  
   Ever since the first time I saw "Win Ben Stein's Money", I knew I had found my calling.  I watched the show every night, calling out the answers, yelling at the contestants, played the online game for hours on end, etc.  When the show wasn't on, I read articles with useless trivia, played Trivial Pursuit, "You Don't Know Jack", and other thinking games.  I memorized dates and names and relations and countries.  I did everything I could think of to expand my knowledge and brain power.  I was going to win Ben Stein's money, dammit!  They had a website featured at the end of each show that you could visit to sign up to be a contestant.  When I felt my training was complete and I was ready, I dialed up, clicked on, and signed up.  Well, a few months went by, and I came home one day, found a message on my answering machine from Secretary A at "Win Ben Stein's Money", telling me I had qualified to be in the audition.  I jumped for joy, knowing that my 15 minutes of fame were on their way, and my life goal was going to be accomplished.  You see, Ben was no match for this lean, mean, thinking machine, and I could pummel him into the ground with my mental machismo.  I quickly scribbled down the directions to the location, along with the date, time, and the person to contact; within minutes, it had been transferred to all the calendars in the house that I use, including my notebook thing at Yahoo.  My challenge having been accepted by Ben Stein, I continued to hone my thinking, sharpen my wit, and temper my comprehension so I would be in tip-top shape for our duel.  I began to listen to Mozart more (scientifically proven to increase thinking), started eating somewhat healthier, and cut back on the pot.  I wasn't going to let anything stand in the way between me and Ben handing me that $5,000.  My nerves hardened to steel, my brain like a bear trap, my spirits soaring, I left my home the morning of my audition.  Wearing my lucky shirt (any amount of preparation can be assisted by a lucky shirt!), I proceed to San Francisco, and to the Ramada Hotel in which my fate will be determined.  I get to the Ramada Inn on Market St.  Full of confidence, I amble up to the counter and ask for the room where the auditions for "Win Ben Stein's Money" are taking place.  A blank look was all it took to shoot me out of the clouds.  "Umm, there aren't any auditions that we know about here..."  After a discussion with the clerk regarding other Ramada locations, I floor it to the 7th street Ramada, and then the Lombard St. Ramada, both with the same results.  Discouraged, downtrodden, and now 2 hours late for the audition, I drive home to get the phone number for the production company for the show.  I call up, push the buttons to get to the audition line, and listen to see if I have the wrong day or what.  "Auditions being held today for 'Win Ben Stein's Money' at 2pm at the  Radisson  Hotel in San Francisco."  Maybe I won't be winning his money after all...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "how do i get into heaven?" "you could try being nice to people..." "man... i said i wanted to get in... i'm not trying to run for jesus or anything."  
  The worst faux pas I've ever made: My girlfriend said "I'm sitting on a cow butt" I said "Don't be so hard on yourself," She said "I was talking about the sofa"  Whoops.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was my turn to be designated driver on our trip back from Tijuana.  Back on the San Diego State campus, I drop off friends, then go to restart the car.  FUCK.  I'm parked at a dead end at the bottom of a hill. The very inebriated owner of the car decides to pushstart the car up the hill (it was a 67 VW Bug), and tells me to stay in the car and steer. He gets us goin at a good pace, then stops, so I assume that he wants me to stop as well. He's maybe 10 feet behind the car, when i slam on the brakes... right as he takes a final sprint at the car to get it to the top of the hill. SMACK! running full-speed into a parked car has to be unpleasant.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just like the commercial, I could probably make furniture out of all the pizza boxes I have stacked up in my living room.  Plus, all the pizza coupons that come with it make a great surface to scrape the resin from my pipe onto.  ...Which will probably lead to more pizza.  
  In 7th grade latin class, right after lunch, I would always get a spontanious erection, and there is nothing I could do to stop it.  This wasn't a problem as I usually didn't participate, except when once the teacher called on me to pass back graded papers, at the peak of my intense little 12 year old hard-on.  "Roland, would you be so kind as to pass back these papers"  "Actually, I would really prefer not to...."  "Well now this isn't a request, it's an order, get up here and pass out these papers"  I walked around with a full on boner (luckily I was wearing some snug jeans, helps to keep it down a bit, but reveals it some) for a couple of minutes, I really hope no one noticed.  
  i'm asian...and i was visiting amazon.com and up in the right hand corner there's a link that says "sarah's gold box."  i thought to myself, how did they know?  
  Confession:  I am an eye groper.  I love the female form.  I can honestly say I have only ever seen two or three women that I found totaly unattractive.  Note:  they each had the IQ of a carrot.        
  My (then) wife had been in another state setting up a special home for old people, with the financial help of her parents.  She'd become a sincere, devout Christian.  It took them the better part of a whole year to get the donations, etc together to build and set up the place with all the wheel chair ramps and special bathrooms, etc.    She prayed and prayed and got it done.  Then I headed out there after not seeing her for several months.  The first thing she said, after motioning me into the big, new empty building was, "wanna fuck?"  Shocked, I fucked her.  It was a good fuck.    We divorced almost exactly one year after that day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ...I was taking her home and when I pulled into her driveway, I stopped and leaned over to hug her.  We held each other for a few minutes then she suddenly pulled away, and before I could ask her why, our lips met for the first time.  I melted right there in my seat.  I was so caught up in the moment that my foot came off the brake of my car, and we almost rolled into her parents car in the driveway.....  The whole way home I kept thinking, "Way to go, slick.  Put it in park next time, dumbass."            
  So, I decide to try and see what being drunk is like.  (I don't drink.  I've only ever drank 3 or 4 times in my life, and I think they were all when I was 17 or 18.)  I had something on the order of a pint of wild turkey, some beers, some flavored schnaps.  I don't remember what else.  I'm with 3 friends, one of which fortunatly wasn't drinking so he could drive.  We were in the hills while drinking, and eventually ran out of booze, and decided to leave.  One friend decides he doesn't want to go with us for some imagined slight.  The two others of us who are drunk try for some while to tackle him, force him in the car, tie him up, etc.. before sober friend convinces us to just let him go.  (He slept it off in a local playground that night.)  Of course, some locals who saw this called the cops, who catch up with us in a few blocks while in the car.  Did I mention that we had some swords, machettes, and knives with us?  There were occasional dogs packs in the hills where we were drinking...  the cops don't care about the swords and machettes, they're legal.  They don't seem particularly concerned that underaged kids are nearly falling-down drunk.   They take offense to the butterfly knife (mine) sober friend has in his pocket, they're illegal in California.  He gets cuffed up against his car.  They confiscate the knife.  Somehow, us two drunk kids, while the cops are occupied with the friend, manage to drop the other butterfly knife from my pocket into the grass unseen, and are able to retrieve it later.    Sober friend manages to somehow make up a story about a party we were at, how he purposly didn't drink so he could drive (that much was true), and he's flirting with the female officer.  They let us all go!  Minus just the one confiscated knife.    On the way to sober friend's house, I'm complaining loudly that I have to pee.  He says to hang on a minute... seemed a lot longer than that to me.  OK, I warned him... and I pissed all over myself and his back seat.  After I laughingly tell them this, he finally pulls over at a Nation's hamburger place.  I immediately get out, and piss on the lawn of the place.  THEN I go inside and piss in the urinal in the bathroom as well.  He gets us back to his house without further incident.  I'm soaked, but don't care.  When we arrive at his house, his mother (he's only 16 or 17, too) doesn't seem to say anything (not that I can recall, anyway), I proceed to his bathroom to piss again.  As I'm pulling up my pants or something, I vomit copiously.  I got most of it in the toilet, but that was just pure chance.  I had no warning whatsoever that I was going to be sick, it just came flying out.  I was just lucky to be standing facing the toilet at the time.  I then passed out in his sister's bed (alone, she was like 13 and had to go sleep elsewhere that evening) in my piss-soaked clothes, fully dressed.  I later found out that she had been tasked with cleaning up my puke.  Woke up at a reasonable hour the next morning, and felt fine, if a bit soiled.   I wasn't particularly interested in sharing this story, but after reading Lowbrow for some time, it seems kinda mandatory.  
  I was in my room, chatting on the phone with my Mom when my girlfriend walked in. She got an evil look in her eyes, and proceeded to give me a blow job, just to see if I could still talk while she was licking my nutsac.  Best head I've ever gotten, my Mom wondered why I kept stuttering though.  
  My boss the pornographer had just finished explaining why he had to cut my pay almost in half. He walked outside with me and as he was telling me about life being a shit sandwich,  he squashed one of those big-ass Vegas cockroaches with his bare foot. I walked down the driveway and got into my car. Just before driving away, I looked back and he was still scraping big-ass Vegas cockroach goo off his foot.  I never saw him again.        
  I think a great name for a geriatric airline would be Incontinental.    
  So someone at the IRS finds it odd that taxpayers are referred to as customers?  Where I live, my social security card lists my CRN (customer ref number) and below that, the specimen's (me) signature.  Specimen?!? C'mon, I may be a broke student, but a little respect would be good.  Please?  
  I was sitting on my girlfriend's couch playing Final Fantasy 7 as her polydaktylic cat, Max, passed my head. In passing, Max, unprovoked, swiftly clawed the back of my head. After the pain subsided, I casually put my arm around my girlfriend and, in doing so, mercilessly back-fisted the little shit off the couch and into a laundry basket on the floor. Upon returning home, snagged a doggie biscut from the kitchen counter and whistled.  My dog, Cloud, excitedly greeted me and happily smashed my groin with her oversized paws. Is that karma or dogma?  
  Why is it that after a child is born the guys sit around and smoke cigars?  Really, they stand around and congraglate the Father.   Oh really "Good job! You just spent 10 hours watching your wife in labor....Have a Smoke you must be exasted!" Really what the fuck?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Full disclosure: Jesus Christ is concerned about your genitals.  He's quite concerned about whether you see other people's genitals, and whether other people see yours, and He's even more concerned about what you say about or do with your genitals or those of others.  He's especially concerned about quasi-legal contracts which give people quasi-rights to each others' genitals.  It's not that I'm against this; I love Christ.   But I don't believe in being coy about the tenets of my religion.  
  Too Drunk to Fuck, part deux.  So last time we me had hooked up, well I lacked the coordination to participate in any form of sexual congress.  This time was a completely different matter.  I ran into her at a party, with no intention of hooking up.  I actually, rather wanted to avoid her.  Two 40s, 3 or 4 G and T's and some glasses of champagne later, I found myself with her in my bed, again!  So well, we get down to business.  And this time I've got slightly better coordination.  So we're going at it for a couple of minutes, and oh no...I've got to hurl.  So I withdraw, and make a beeline for the bathroom.  I didn't make it.  I tripped, well more fell due to lack of balance.  I thought this was hysterical, but was still rather worried about making it to the bathroom in time.  So I scramble up and fart.  Well, I thought I was going to fart.  Instead I dropped a nice little hershey squirt in the middle of my floor!  I finally made it to the bathroom, and made quite a large deposit.  King Cobra doesn't taste as good coming up as it does going down.   I finally finish up, and she's still in bed waiting.  I figure, what the hell, why don't I give it another go?  So we get to it again, this time...I don't even withdraw.  She gets it...some in her hair, some on the bed...some on her bra, (which I found left on my floor the next morning) some, only god knows where.  I passed out then, never being able to finish.  I woke up to a splitting headache and nobody in my bed, thankfully.  It's been 3 days since this happened and she's called me twice!  I don't get it...I accidentally find your pooper once, and then boot on you the next time?  Why do you keep calling?  
  After a drunken binge in Vegas we managed to, somehow, get our friend convinced that he'd married *himself*.  "So, Heero," I asked, "How was your honeymoon?"  He promptly replied with, "I ran out of lotion."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         *dingdong* *door opens* - two little children stand in the open doorway, both wearing your stereotypical fifth generation hand-me-downs.  The fat one is sucking on a no-name brand grape soda.  The other one looks at me and says authoritatively, "her mom says that you can buy animal food for $9".    I have no idea what this all means but it appears to be one more of the endless sales pitches I've recieved since I moved into the ghetto.  The rent is cheap, the apartment isn't bad at all, but the combination of upper class white trailer trash and mexican immigrants for neighbors leaves something to be desired.  And apparently I'  ve been marked as a potential source of cash as this is the 3rd set of kids I've had come to my door in the 2 weeks since I moved in.    I politely decline, close and lock the door and shake my head sadly.  I walk straight to the bedroom, open the dresser drawer and smile at the box of condoms that resides there . . .  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         During my last summer in my cherished college town I lived in this apartment complex with the biggest dicks of landlords you could possibly have.  Of course, it seemed that landlords always wanted me and my 6 to 8 roomates to leave (six bedroom apartments rock) but that's beside the point.  As a landlord you should at least fucking fix the toilet when we ask you to.  Or mow the fucking grass around our front door since you were doing everyone else's.  Or at least stop chasing off male tenats just so you can jerk off to hot college girl fantasies.  But that's all right.  As usual, my crew always laughs last.  Since our landlord decided to give us one week warning to move out we decided to leave a present for those moving in the day after we moved out.    A nice silly-string drawing of a penis on the window (complete with cum splatters), a chenis (a penis to strap on one's face and to use while eating a girl out) hanging off the light post.  And The Destroyer (a 12-inch dildo that you could actually stick on walls) stuck to the front window.  Fuck you, bitch.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever stop to think that when Jesus comes back, the LAST thing he'll ever want to see is a fucking cross?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "My generation just doesn't cook," she said, as another 39-cent burrito lumped down her gullet.        
  The owner of my company and I are scheduling the next time to meet.  He: "How about tomorrow, 2:30?"  Me: "Chinese dentist time, OK."  He looks at me strangely.  Me: "You know, 2:30, Chinese dentist time."  His expression does not change. Damn, I thought he was fairly smart.  Me: "2:30, Chinese dentist time. 2:30, tooth hurtee"  When his expression still doesn't change, I finally realise that he no doubt got the joke the first time, but is staring at me because he is, after all, Chinese.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quoteth the mammal im not homophobic or anything but theres no fucking way i can work for some fairy endquote  question what the hell do you think homophobia is exclaim i        
  he took my cardbord box right outta my cubicle.  i told him i needed it.  he did not care.    2 minutes of fuming  up i go  exit my cube enter his box with window attachment  i tell him he is a goddamn fucking asshole and i want my box back.  i tell him this at the top of my lungs while the rest of the office casually strolls by.  i tell him this at the absolute top of my lungs with the door open.  i tell him this at least 6 or 7 times.  then i storm out and cry to my boss that he stole my cardboard box.  people shouldn't take my boxes without asking.    
  My friend was actually registered at Target for his wedding.  I'm not sure why they included a can of Pringles on the registry list, crunchy and delicous though they might be.  Whoever sprung for that baby qualifies for a lowbrow moment.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Reading lowbrow is very similar to reading comments on a bathroom wall.  So...yes...I think it is more useful than your liberal arts education.  
  I like to think that if i were to die suddenly. and there was no cat food left.  My cat would still survive.   he eats my earwax.   
  1. Privacy.  2. Anonymity.  3. Lack of desire to chat with any of you losers.  People keep asking why we don't post our real addresses. I think these are the top 3 reasons, but I may have missed a couple.  
  one time i had the runs and i had to vomit at the same time...like absolutly had to, projectile coming out both ends...  so i sat on the toilet crapping and puked into the sink, laughing hysterically cause i thought it was that damned funny....  and i was sober too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my lit class, my prof asks for journals.  I write them when I am too drunk to type. I correct the errors in the morning.  Prof always writes "YES!" in the margins.  I bet that son of a bitch drinks too much, too.    
  Tonight when I looked around the room in my high state of mind...I realized I had sucked them all off one night or another.  All three of them had my mouth on their dick.  Well...except for the female there, I know I didn't touch her.  Fuck.  Like that's gonna make me feel any better?  
  is it lowbrow to want to see both backstreet boys and korn in concert?      
  Drunk girlfriend, sick to her stomach, in the bathroom, puking, puking, puking.  Me, watching, eating Taco Bell Nachos, asking her if she would like some.  More puking.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't know who I feel worse for:  LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com for seemingly becoming a human spittoon...  or  The thousands of guys who risk life and 'limb' answering her booty call...  or  Me for never having gotten 'the call'.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Reality Starts To Creep In #2  Brewpub. My haven.  I'm surrepticiously ogling the new waitress, who (of course - this is the Brewpub) is gorgeous. The owner has a genuine talent for hiring summer temps. She's finished her shift, and is sitting next to me, but even after being introduced, doesn't glance in my direction. One of my long-time, pretty young flirt-buddies comes in, doesn't notice me, and greets the new waitress like an old friend. They hug tight. (How can they  do  that? Don't their four titties  really  get squashed painfully?) I hit up the rest room. On my way back, she finally notices me (well, that was the point of the trip -- I didn't actually have to pee), and hugs me. She: "Ooh, not so tight! I'll pop!" Me: "You've never popped before. Why now?" She: "Can't you tell? I'm pregnant!" Me: "Are you serious? Omigosh, I'd always assumed I was shooting blanks!" I expect them to laugh, or at least giggle, but nothing, just disinterested blank stares...  
  They say life isn't a bowl of cherries.  Well, I had a bowl of cherries, and now I have explosive diarrhea.  That's life.        
  Right after I finish masturbating, (still bare assed and wiping my penis off) I usually get catch a glimpse of my fish tank.  Every time I do all five of my fish are lined up at the front of the tank just staring at me.  This is the only time I ever see the fish do this.  It creeps me out but I usually don't remember until I see them doing it again.  I wonder what they are thinking.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was about 4 years old my mom made me a beautiful superman-outfit. The possibilities were endless.  I jumped off a 13 ft. brigde to see if I could fly.  Nope.  
  i ashamed at how many women have poured beer down their naked breasts in an attempt to arouse me.   although it always works pretty well.  
  my dad just walked in on me beatin off to some really shitty porn site...   "at least your not gay" says he  followed by "and your not at a subscription site either" as he walked casually out of the room  now what should i be more astonished at.... that he just walked in on me... or that he knew it wasnt a subscription site  fuckin pervert  
        I signed up for paypal and to verify my bank account they made two deposits into it I am supposed to tell them how much was deposited in the account so they can verify it but I think I will just keep the money  
  I was on a cramped elevator in a mall once.  It was me and my friend, a middle aged couple, and elderly couple, and two kids.  Just before the door shuts, two "large" women get on.  The doors will no longer close.  after a second or so, one of the kids pipes up, "the door wont close, cause there's too much weight in here."  So the two women who just got on, smile, and leave.  The doors close, elevator moves, everythings normal.  I few uncomfortable seconds go by, in which i'm trying (and doing a good job) of holding in my laughter, looking at the kids, expecting them to laugh.  Then all of a sudden, the old man to my right starts laughing his ass off.  With him breaking the silence, everone follows suit, and joins him.   A good laugh was had by all. All i can think is that if me, my friend, or one of those two kids had been the first to laugh, we would've gotten some dirty looks. I can't wait till I get old, you can get away with fucking anything.  Like wearing plaid pants.  
  Coming home late one night bent as fuck, with a serious case of the munchies, going to the fridge and eating an ENTIRE chicken, then polishing off the remainder of the ice cream. The moment: realising your parents have sat there and watched you the whole time from the living room - and all I can do is mumble 'gnite and stumble off to bed. The ear bashing I got the next day about drug abuse taught me to always eat BEFORE I got home.  
  this lady sat down next to me at the bar and she smelled like those bug bombs you set off to kill all the fleas and random insencts that live in your house.  
  When I first moved to town, I tried out all the bars, even the one that everyone spoke about with a horrified look.  It usually had cardboard over the front window, because somebody had been thrown through it.  I played pool once with a large, muscular, much-tatooed pool shark:  She: "Hi, I'm Cess"  Me: "Cess: pool shark"  She: "Hunh?"  No way can you be a successful pool shark if your chump is way too terrified to win...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after being forced to listen to the crappy local classic rock station at work for eight months straight, there is no doubt in my mind that john cougar mellencamp is the devil's pawn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night I stayed in a hotel room with my girlfriend (this being lowbrow.com I should probably specify I'm a heterosexual female and so is she).  Anyway, to save money we decided to just share a room.  There was only one bed, no biggie.  So I try to fall asleep and realize I can't.  Always in this order, no matter what happens prior in the evening, it always ends with:  1. Masturbation   2. Sleep   I kept thinking the bed might make too much noise, she might hear me when I get off, she could wake up.  And the more I thought about masturbating the more I just wanted to fucking do it.  It took me two fucking hours, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep, all because I couldn't masturbate. I'm not really sure if that's normal, but if it is...it shouldn't be.     Oh, by the way, sorry if anyone expected a "first lesbian experience" lowbrow moment and was severely disappointed to read a shitty masturbation story instead...I did try to give ya some warning. ;)    
  My wife sewed a new cushion cover for the seat in my study by the computer.  I had a hard time explaining away the two stains she found the other day.  The one in the middle was a classic skidmark, and the one toward the leading edge was more like a water stain.  I blamed the cat.  
  in elementary school we had those long trough-style urinals like you often see at stadiums.  being 8 or 9, we would all start out pissing into the trough, and slowly backing up to see who could piss into the trough from the farthest away... we'd make it 10 or 12 feet sometimes.  i tried the same thing at a bar whilst absolutely sloshed last week.  man, little kids can piss a whole lot further than adults.    
  Yesterday I was driving back to work from lunch and I let a little fart.  At least it was supposed to be.  As the warm wet feeling spread against my ass I realized there was no way in hell I was going back to work that day.        
  They started stocking the company fridge with free orange juice, but I still mostly drank coke or coffee.       
  i ALWAYS wear a Jacket... year round... yes even in august, I need the pocket space!  But that is not my point. Thing is I came across a "Bob the Tomato" figure a few months ago, and since I have this thing for the name Bob (not guys named Bob...just the name) i wear it on my breast pocket.  Now it was originally put there simply because of the fact that I like "Bob"  Either way I never knew how many young attractive women watch that show! and never figured that they would all want to come over and touch "Bob".  "Bob the Tomato" Chick-magnet at Large... who could have guessed?  
  i read a post about the opera browser, and how it'll reload overy five or fifteen seconds, automatically, for hands free browing, so i'm giving it a whir. it's a nice browser... faster lowbrow, not a microshaft product... then, i clicked the reload button while accidentally holding down the right-click, and it went back to the previous moment. that's right, never again will i unintentionally skip a brow, for now i have the power to reproduce it.  
  Young women today haven't a clue how they got what they have in today's world.  I've been around for a long while.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A teenage party at my friend's parents' well-to-do house while they are out for the night. A crate of beer and God knows how much tequilla later, I decide it's time to crash out in his bedroom.  I wake up some time later and stumble to the bathroom for a good old ceramic telephone call. However, some of the less-drinking party-goers are occupying the bathroom and have locked the door. I just stand there, drunk, and blow chunks right where I stand. I even try to hold it in with my hand, which just makes the spray worse.  Without cleaning up the floor, wall or myself, I go back to bed and sleep.  The next morning his parents tell me they understood. I was obviously aiming for that waste paper bin in the hallway. (Waste paper bin?). I must have eaten something wrong. (Right). And they washed my clothes.  I don't think I have ever visited his house without his parents having to wash my clothes.   Well, at least I didn't piss on his brand new stereo like my other mate did.  
  I'm too cheap to turn my heat up any higher than necessary in the winter. So i spend alot of time with my groovy green beanie on. So much time that when i'm not wearing it i can still feel it's phantom presence warming my forehead Just now i thought i felt it again. Had to actually put my hand to my head to discover it was not there.  
  Mark,  Last summer when I thought that you had scratched my car, I decided to get even by sleeping with your wife. Of course, she wouldn't have me so I decided to get even by sleeping with your sister. Same deal there, she wasn't interested.  OK, so I'm determined to get even so I decide to sleep with your mom. Well, it took lots of flowers, chocolates, and love notes but I finally had your mom right where I wanted her, when, BAM, she slipped in the shower and broke her hip.  I had put way too much into this to turn back   
   I recently acquired a motorcycle from a friend who had no use for it.  I decided that I'd learn how to ride it because then I could be part of the "bad-ass elite" crowd of those who thumb their collective noses at death on a regular basis.  Oh, did I mention that it's a 1966 Bridgestone Surfrider with a 90cc engine that produces a whopping 7 horsepower and a sound that has a striking resemblance to a chainsaw?  Undaunted by these facts and still hoping to be a bad-ass, I took it out to a country road to find out the top speed.  47 mph  48 if I streamline myself.  I guess I'm not a bad-ass.   
  Lately I find that I am cultivating an appreciation for the smell of my own feet.  Maybe I should start looking for a new job.  
  After just depositing the check for my wrecked car in the bank, wondering "how many lap dances does $5000 come out to, anyway?"  
  when my younger brothers were very young they had a mudpit in the back yard they called 'jurassic park' (it was for their toy dinosaurs to play in).  one day my mother declared they needed destroy jurassic park and to create a jurassic park II.  why?  the older of my two brothers had decided he had to try taking a crap in the backyard.  
  Putting on a bra is like doing yoga.    You guys think it's hard for you, getting a girl's bra off in the dark?  Yeah, well, try putting one on... try twisting your arms back-and-up behind your back. Just try it.  Then try to slide two hooks, each the size of a moth's cock, into two coinciding holes no larger than the eye of a needle.  Now, these clasps are not only behind your back and therefore out of view, but are also almost between your damn shoulder blades.  This act must be preformed blind while contorted into an odd and slightly painful pretzel shape, with arms bent farther then, really, it looks like they should be able to, while at the same time performing a delicate and intricate task.  Well, it's cheaper than paying for yoga lessons, anyways...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my girlfriend does not understand why i read this site... simple, same reason i snag her younger sister's YM as soon as it comes in and zoom in on the embarrassing period story of the month.    that stuff doesnt sustain me like it used to. ym was a gateway mag to lowbrow.  
  If you ever happen to find yourself drunk and falling down a flight of stairs, a word of advice:  Attempt the "tuck and roll" position.  You'll not only impress your friends, but minimize the injuries you're about to sustain.  
  slash s girlfriend needed an apartment and asked if she could move into my place as we hadda extra bedroom sure needed the help on the rent and all so what the hey come here she takes my hand and walks me into the bathroom she drops her pants has a seat on the toilet and proceeds to take a leak ok says she i can live with you if i can take a pee in front of you then i can live with you what the hell is that questionmark         
  "www.lowbrow.com" it said, freshly written in sharpie on the top of the toilet paper dispenser. I take my shit, get up, and go to wash my hands. some other guy walks into the stall.  "Damn." he says, and comes out of the stall, putting a marker in his pocket.  "Beat ya" I said, tapping the sharpie in my cargo pants pocket. He grins, leaves the bathroom without washing his hands.  
  So I intended on just going to lunch with some friends who were going to buy me a late birthday lunch then coming home to play my newly purchased xbox.  I ended up: Going to lunch. Going to a bar. Going to a strip club. (for which I was promised a paid for lapdance) Going to a bachelor's party at which 2 of my friends got naked. Getting blown by one of two said friends.  I'm still pissed off. I paid for my lunch and didn't get that lapdance.  What the hell?  
  i wanna have my skin genenged to produce and utilize chlorophyl, apparently it is 100% preventative of melanoma and saves on food bills.  and a green foreskin'd go good with my red knob  
  I think that the best I could hope for out of life, would be that when people mention my name it gets painfully quiet and tense until somebody can change the subject.        
  I feel the need to cry a lot.  Instead I masturbate.  There's something very weird going on inside my head but I've managed to avoid trying to figure out what it is for the past year or two.  One of these days the dam is going to burst...  .... one of these days.  Hope I don't end up in jail when they clean up the flood  
  There are times when I feel so depressed. So much of my life is spent in my room crying like a bitch and jerking off. Its bad. Very bad. I hardly ever get anywhere with girls. I was lucky one time though and fucked this bitch....she wasn't bad either. But thats all. I'm a fucking loser. Then, the other night, I took a long look at myself in the mirror and just said fuck it. Life is too short to spend it jacking off in a pool of your own tears all the time. I had two 6 packs of Yuengling(the best shit around) and threw a rock through my homo neighbor's window. Came back in and got myself some Subway and turned on Nickleodeon to find Sponge Bob Square Pants. Man, now thats livin'. So whatever you got, run with it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw the dirty sock sticking out of the t-shirt on the floor, but I let her start to put it on anyways, hoping that it would get stuck in her face... and I was not disappointed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Dunbar, Part II  How do you cook toilet paper? Brown on one side - throw it in the pot.  
  Went over to the neighbor's house to get my ladder back. She invited me in while she looked in the laundry room for it, and began a typical jesusfreak spiel about why my "fuck you, you fucking fuck" t-shirt and my pentagram necklace were going to send me to hell. Then her voice died off, as she noticed me holding the DVD entitled "Rectal Mania" that I'd found on her coffee table.   
  My mother was in town this afternoon. After taking me and my girlfriend out to dinner, she dropped us off at university and left for home, a 2 hour drive away. An hour later, I hopped in my car to drive to the grocery store, to buy alcohol for my party tonight.  While I was waiting to check out from the grocery store, my mom came up behind me and asked, "Having a party tonight?" I had 3 12 packs of Smirnoff Ice, 1 12 pack of Molson Export, 2 4 packs of wine coolers, a bottle of Boone's Farm, a 6 pack of Bass, a 9 pack of Pilsner Urquell, cups, potato chips, orange juice, and chocolate syrup. Apparently, she decided to go grocery shopping while she was in town, not knowing I was out buying $100 worth of alcohol.  It's a good thing that I forgot to buy condoms.  
  I work for a beer distributor with largely abunch of idiots. I work at nights.  So I walk into work one day when one of the administrative assistants stopped me in the hall. "Did you notice anything weird in the bathroom last night?" "No", said I, "Why?" Apparently for the past two nights someone took a shit in the bathroom, wiped his ass, and left the used nappy in the trashcan or on the floor, depending on the day.  We have come to refer to him as the "Mad Shitter"  
  She smiled at me and waved.   I started to wave at this beautiful stranger.   Could it be love at first site?    A man walked past me.   They embraced and walked into Starbucks.  I walked into a bar.        
  If I could have a dollar for everytime I "accidentally" touched a womans breast with my elbow, I would be a very very rich man.  
  After a long long night of bars and afterhour bars and then onto a house party filled with ecstacy popping stripper types.....it didn't surprise me in the least when I realized that the beer I was happily drinking had 2 cigarette butts in it.  Glad it was dark.  
  my friend A. and some of his buddies were drinkin beers on the campus parkin lot at our illustrious/notorious LonGisland community college. some prick drives by in some dope car, all suped up, yells somethin stupid at A. and his friends, and parks nearby.    he left the sunroof open, and the windows cracked. it's early in the afternoon, students are coming and going to and from classes, it's sunny outside, and A. is standing on this assholes cars roof pissing all over the seats, while the other guys simultaneously manage to arc their streams of piss into the cracked windows.   let this be a lesson:  be nice!!  
  Harley, UPS driver of the gods, once told me, "Pack it like you know it's going to be dropped six feet off a fork-lift, and don't ever, EVER put  FRAGILE  stickers on the box. Some loaders only see that as a challenge."   
  Ok, so I've posted a lot of what could be called (in the parlence of the day) crap.  I'm comfortable with that. It's not surprising that I've only ever seen a third of what I've posted in all my clicking.  But this results in two lowbrow moments.  #1 TJay spends a lot more time on here than any of us judging what's brow-worthy.    and B (heh heh) I've never seen anything like "dirty Jews should rot in hell" or "kill whitey" or anything else hateful. Lots of misogyny and misanthropy tho ;)  Bottom line tho is, seems like TJay likes to practice a little censorship.    Either that or we are the most enlightened bunch of sluts, dopers, heathens, and criminals to ever grace the internet.  Amen  
  I just saw the new Gwyneth Paltrow movie, "View From the Top."  There is a scene where she is laying on her stomach with her legs in the air, showing the camera the bottoms of her feet and wiggling her toes.  When that movie comes out on DVD I will be "freeze framing" and masturbating to those images repeatedly.  
  I was a sergeant in the Royal Air Force Cadets.  Every year, we visited a RAF airfield for a week. Shot rifles, flew slow little De Havilland Chipmunks ...  ...and went out at night in our RAF uniforms and got plastered.  If you were 16, looked 16, but wearing an RAF uniform, no questions were asked.  Arriving back at the barracks, swaying gently, an incredibly annoying little cadet corporal started getting smart with me.  I held my right hand out in an offer of friendship, then sucker-punched him with my left.  Knocked him clean out.  Next day, I became the only RAF cadet in history to be court-martialled.  Punishment was confinement to barracks for the week.  Next day, alone in the barracks, a Wing Commander dropped by, looking for a volunteer to fly a jet fighter trainer.  I told him I was confined to barracks. He told me he was temporarily releasing me into his custody.  One hour and 600 miles later, I was back in barracks, grinning from ear to ear...  
  Yesterday my boyfriend was talking about physics and the possibility of creating wormholes and time-travel. Very impressed, I asked, "How do you know this stuff?" He replied, "I read." I said, "I read too." He said, "No I read like news and informative things, not low-brow." So I responded, "Yes, but I bet I know way more masturbation, shit, and puke stories then you do." He had nothing to say back. That's right, thanks low-brow.  
  Finally finally finally the crazybitch next door is moving. And being the lazy slut she is, she had some poor schmuck out there doing all the work she should have done herself. So it's not surprise he dragged all the furniture out on the lawn before he went to rent the truck, decided it was too late and to continue the next day. It's also no surprise that I spent the entire night drinking as much beer as possible so I could sit on every piece of upholstered furniture out there and piss like a racehorse.  I can catch up on sleep, but that smell will last a lifetime.   
  "How do you explain your success?" she said, smiling. He replied, "I read every chance I get and I  was born with a grown man's penis."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Well, i spent six months at my first job before i got sick of it, McDickhead's Family Restaurant. I never personally did anything to anyone's food, because karma as i well know, would have served me up the very next "Jizz-Whopper"... However, if any of my co-workers wanted to add some "Special-Sauce", i was more than happy to be a lookout.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When my mother turned 67 she started walking 5 1/2 miles a day... she's 93 and we don't know where the hell she is  
  I work in an office. I don't have a lot of entertainment, but part of my work involves censoring certain documents. This requires use of a giant magic marker. I huff it every time I pull it out of the drawer. I wish 'white out' hadn't been banned in our office...those were the good old days...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me: math isn't so bad.  math was lewis carrol's favorite thing.    my mom: yeah.  did you know he was a pedophile?    me: ok, so math was lewis carrol's second favorite thing....  
  i seriously used to believe i was a unique and talented writer.  thank you for humbling me, lowbrow        
  I was 20. My 15 year old girlfriend was talking to me on the telephone reliving the sex we had had in her room when her parents were away.  Click. No telling how long her mom had been on the extension phone.  Next thing I know, her mom is on the phone to my mom demanding I MARRY her.   She later told me that her mom had done this to her twice before in an effort to keep her from having sex with guys.  A year later, when I was home on leave from the Navy, I spotted her hooking in Grand Central Station.            
  As department manager, I was forced to dance with a retiree.  She was 55+, ugly as my butt, round as a barrel, dumb as dirt and always wore black spandex from head to toe.  She had the overbite of Bucky the Beaver.  Against my will, I was called up by the DJ (hired by this person's best friend) and asked to dance with her.  The song? Clarence Carter's "Strokin'".  They actually have pictures.  I've refused all similar functions since and have blacklisted this DJ from further department activities.  
  You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river.        
  Ever notice how the meatballs never quite make it to the end of the sandwich?  
  I was visiting the Vatican once w/ my long since ex, and in among the swords and pikes and dangerous things in cases in one of the rooms, for some reason there was a chastity belt.  It was a truly fearsome thing, with barbed and curving spikes fore and aft.  I hadn't heard a word of English since we'd got there, so I said the first thing that came into my head,"Jeez, how would you wipe after taking a crap with that thing on?"  And for the remaining hour of the tour, the two Australian teenagers behind me kept staring at me and bursting into renewed bouts of laughter.  
  Peeing in toilet Cat looks up into my face "Hey! I drink from there!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I'll take a medium popcorn please."  "OK, what size?"  "...Uh, medium."  
  Sometimes when I'm about to light a cig up, I cough in the middle of trying to light it and it blows the flame of the lighter out.  So then I try again and I cough again and the flame blows out again.  By the third or fourth time I have it lit.  I guess that should tell me something...but I kind of like to pretend it doesn't.  
  I have an old friend who is suddenly monsterously successful, hitting the high income running a cyberporn and one-on-one naked chat business. I wish him well, really I do. And I curse him for not being this big success when I was younger and could work for him and rake it in.  Money and the fringe benefits of working for a hot fuckbuddy? Beats the hell out of temp work.  
  So I'm supposed to meet this really hot chick one night at our school dance. The night of the dance my brother gets sick and has to go to the hospital. So I decide to get a ride with some of my friends. So we're driving, one of them is so drunk that they can't see straight, the others are smoking up getting high right there in the car. We stop for pizza, and on the way back to the car one idiot says "Wouldn't it be funny if we got pulled over?". Uh... NO. Any way so we pull out, I'm sitting in the trunk, and we start going down the highway. The same idiot kids decides to throw a cup out the window. About a minute later I see the police lights go on behind us. First thing I think is Oh Fuck. The cop come up to the driver and asks the usual questions like "Are there any illegal substances in your car?". We obviously said no. So the first cop, who was a pretty hot chick, goes back to her car. We wait for 45 fucking minutes. The whole time I'm hiding things they had in the trunk. Then a second cop pulls up. Both cops come up again on either side of the car. They start talking again and after about another 10 minutes, they let us off with a littering ticket for 200 and something dollars. That's one fucking expensive cup. So we pull up to the dance an hour late. What a great way to start your night.   And that girl I was gonna meet up with got sick of waiting for me and went off with some other guy.   Peple often ask me why I beleive in God. I say " Because I know that there is someone up there who is constantly screwing me over and laughing at it." That reponse didn't go over to well at church.                         -The Other Guy  
  I'm eating catfish, drinking Rolling Rock, and watching season one of MASH on DVD, and I'm pretty sure that this is the happiest I've ever been.  
  It was my first kegger. the First time i was drunk. Beer with vodka in it.  I sat in the center of the crowd.  Jello in hand. Doing impressions of Bill Cosby.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          MotorMouth 2  I look at a townhouse for rent. I just step in the door and it's mine. Perfect. Walking distance to the BrewPub, and the rest of the building is the landlord's accounting office. On the weekends, and in the evening, the whole building is mine. I know I'm on the verge of old-fartdom, but I  do still like to crank it sometimes.  I turn to him, and in my best Bwooklyneese: "OK. So, tawk to me!" He laughs, and we settle on the rent, but then asks who's going to be here. "Just me, with a certain small boy of mine staying over half the week." He nods, happy. I just totally want this place, but then there's this mouth of mine: "And, of course, a constant stream of very beautiful women. I'll try my best to stay away from screamers, though." He  frowns.  Oops -- cut it just a little too close. Came within a half-inch that time, my mouth did. But I'm living here. I guess my mouth and I will survive, somehow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         first girl I had ever dated that was younger than me, I was 17, she was 15.  The sex was fantastic.  About 2 months into it we're arguing and she decides that it's all over.  I guess in some final effort to gain the upper hand in the argument she decides that this is the appropriate time to tell me "oh, by the way, it turns out i have chlamydia."  rather than sitting and skulking about another botched relationship, I saw the glass half full as I finally figured out why it burned so bad when I pissed.  The trip to the clinic was another story...  
  So I left the house at 11 in the evening, ready to roam the suburbs in a generally easterly direction.  I meandered along the curb when Leith swung by on his new black moped, and the little pieces of leaves and cigarettes he sprayed from under his wheels fell inside my socks and made my ankles itch when I walked, so I sat down on the curb.  It was slightly damp with drizzle or condensation or perhaps poodle spittle, and I remembered my bicycle had been stolen by those two kids down the street, and wished I was a fighter pilot.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I cannot recall the names of my first three Room-Mates at college.  I remember them simply as: The Redneck Jock. The Alcoholic Womanizer. And The Drugie.  Normally I would not hold such things against people. But these were their best qualities.  
  I've dropped several condoms at several fast food establishments. I had to pick them up fast before anyone or my date would notice. I have to stop carrying these damn things in my wallet because the cashier noticed when she found it inbetween a five and a one.   - mftrecords@yahoo.com  ------------------------------------  Before your date would notice? Date at a fast food joint?  dude, you didn't need to drop a rubber, that alone is lowbrow.  
  My long distance boyfriend was watching me on my webcam. I don't know why he likes to watch me sit and read online. Whatever, it makes him happy.  One day I have my webcam on for him and quickly forget about it. I'm ignoring my instant messenger boxes that are blinking furiously. I thoughtlessly pick my nose and eat it, without thinking about it.  Minutes later I check my message box, where my boyfriend has left me a narrative of my booger eating moment.  He loves me.  
  I just took a long, hot shower, washing off the sweat and oils that accumulated during my epic sleep. The toxins from the alchoholism of the previous night were slowly rinsed down the drain.   I am now clean and warm. But my bowels have twitched, indicating that they are ready to release their watery stool. Where was this twinge an hour ago? Nowhere to be found.   I fucking hate shitting in a steamy bathroom.   
  How is it that I did not start blacking when drunk until I was about 25?  A few months ago after drinking a couple bottles of fine red wine,  I told a friend of mine he should move to North Carolina and take piano lessons.  So he could be more like the guy in that movie, "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"  Him: "The guy who got shot?"  Me: "No, the cool homeless guy who broke in to houses to throw parties."  Thing was, he was unemployed at the time, and this was my idea of a new career opportunity.  
  Charity benefit on behalf of the radio station part 2.  So here we are, my friend and I (both DJ's at a radio station), making an appearance at a benefit for a woman who had been in a car wreck.   Enter a woman, with a rat-tail haircut and very few teeth. "Thanksss for comin', which one of you is the DJ?" "We both are," my friend says. At that moment, the woman's young son comes up and pulls on her skirt/rag thing. "Mommy, when can we go home?" he says. "When I'm done, drinkin," she says. "But Mommy, you're ALWAYS drinkin'!" The kid was about 4.   Again, what the hell did I get myself into...  
  My Chevy truck's hood up and my daughter and I are changing spark plugs (just maintenance - no problem).  A Ford truck driving neighbor walks by and tells his wife, "See that, honey? That's the way you see Chevy trucks all the time."  His remark bothered me.  
  I took a shit at school today, while no one was in the bathroom. While I was washing my hands, a girl came in and went into the stall I had been in. Then she came out and went into another stall. Then came out again and went into the last stall, and then back to the original stall.  I stood in the hallway reading one of the bulletin boards.  I hear her say to a girl going in  "Dude. It's REALLY fucking bad in there."  I'm proud.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On a long trip home for the holidays, I found the best way to keep my brother from babbling racist things was to buy him food.   For example, a sandwich.  It had pubes in it.   Pubes from the floor of the floor of the truckstop where I bought the sandwich.   He ate trucker pubes. And he thanked me for them, the racist pube eater.     
  Have you ever noticied the sheer number of lowbrow moments simply about how lowbrow can suck you in for hours on end?  Does this make lowbrowing the epitome of a lowbrow moment?   Ouch. That hurt. I think i'm going to bed now.        
  My boyfriend has a "friend" who really is just an ex-fuck buddy that lives in Vegas.  So this guy periodically has problems with his computers (which I attribute to his constant porn downloads.  Oh, and that he has the IQ of a stoned ferret) which my boyfriend volunteers to fix, being the techno freak that he is.  Since we both live in the Reno/Carson area it is quite a drive to take through the insanely boring landscape of Nevada.    Well, this time we decide to bring a friend along and make a long weekend of it.  We arrive at midnight to check in at the New York, New York.  "Sorry sir, our rooms aren't prepped yet."  It's midnight and you haven't fucking cleaned your rooms?  So we get free drinks and end up getting toasted in the hour and a half wait for our room.  By the time we get up there I'm drunk and horny, but we're sharing a room with our friend.  So, my boyfriend and I wait until it sounds like he is asleep and go at it.    We're both mid-coitus when we both hear, at the same time, the distinct sound of masturbation from the bed next to us.  After we both finish and my boyfriend has snuck off to the bathroom to clean up I ask in the direction of my friend, "Did you finish?"    My boyfriend was pissed at me for the next day for asking...  
  I made a "director's cut" video.  I rented a movie, not a kid's movie but one that old people would watch, like the "Oh God Book II".  I covered the record safety tab and fast forwarded the tape to the middle.   I then put the tape in my home video camera and videotaped me rubbing the tape case on my balls and ass.  I returned the tape.  I hope they enjoyed my director's cut as much as I did making it.     
  have you ever noticed that every single fried chicken commercial features a black man. impossible to find one with a white boy in it.  i resent this because it misrepresents all us white fried chicken eaters. sure, black people love their chicken, but these stereotypes must end.  may the white and dark meat co-exist on the chicken leg that is our planet.   
  regardless of irreligiousness, impiety, insanity, incontinence, or inebriety -   what's really lowbrow is not what happened to all these people, but the fact that using words beyond their vocabular ability, they inevitably spell them incorrectly.  now, that's lowbrow...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the beach, my friend told me how bad his life had been going. He said felt like screaming and tilted his head back and opened his mouth in pretend.  A huge Seagull shit spattered, half inside his mouth, with the rest slapping down his chin and chest.  I laughed so hard, I peed.  
  you know your digestive tract is working when you have tuna for lunch, and the next time you go to the bathroom your pee smells like a fish market  
  Years ago,when I was 16 and working at the local McDonalds,I had this moment of Zen at work:  "There are never enough words to express your love for a person,but there are always more than enough words to describe what you did in the bathroom five minutes earlier."  Life has not been the same since...  
  When we were little kids, must have been 9 or 10, we were having a mud fight in the front yard.  After a few minutes it was getting harder to find bnare patches where there was no grass.  Between trying not to get hit and looking for more mud I grabbed what I thought was a handful of mud.  Not mud! Damn dog.  I threw it anyway.   Those were the days.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The Difference Between Being A Moocher and Just Being Broke  I was broke for a few months. My buddy Patrick understands that, and helped me out all he could.  His friends, however... let's just say there was a  chilly  quietness whenever I went over to drink his beer, smoke his butts...  I knock on the door. Clinton and Josh open it, look pained.  Josh: "Patrick'll be back soon -- we're just going out for a beer run."  They don't hold the door open for me, just stand there.  Me: "Good! I picked a good time to come over, as usual, heh heh."  Chilly silence. I reach behind me and reveal two cases of Guinness.  I walk in, put the beer in the 'fridge, pushing back the Old Milwaukees and PBRs. They're sitting in the  living room, giving each other "What-the-fuck-is-this" looks.  Me, reaching into my wallet: "Let's see -- here's $2.10 for you, Clinton, and $5.25 for Josh, and..." leaf, leaf, leaf "... well, I owe Patrick $150, but I don't have a $10. I'll just give him $160 -- I know he's good for it."  I drop it on the table.   Clinton: "$2.10? What's that?"  Me: "You gave me $2 for gas about a month ago."  Clinton: "What's the 25c for?:  Me: "Interest."  Clinton, darkly: "I don't want interest."  Me: "I don't care. Now, was that all? Oh, I almost forgot..."  I dig into my pocket and dump a bag of fat purple hydro on the table.  Me: "That's everything. Now, kindly go and fuck yourselves."  I walk out to contemplative silence. More fun than I've had in a month.  
  "I wanted you to hear it from me, and not find out some other way" My uncle leaned closer to my wife and I with a sad look in his eyes and said in a hushed tone.  "Your cousin has been stripping for a living."  The lowbrow moment was not when I thought to myself "Wow!  She must have really cleaned herself up and gotten in great shape since I last saw her!"  Nope, not then.  Not even when a millisecond later I thought "I wonder if she could show my wife some moves."  It was not when I had to pretend to be sad for my uncle and offer sympathetic words of encouragement.   No, the lowbrow moment was not even later in the car when my wife told me that she had the exact same thoughts that I did at pretty much the same time.  The lowbrow moment was seeing my cousin later and realizing that she had not changed at all in the last 5 years since I had seen her.  My god.  People paid to see her naked?!?  Maybe THAT'S why my uncle was so ashamed!!     
  She said "I think you're hitting something down there." I told her it was her cervix. She looked at me and said "I thought the cervix was only something teenaged girls with coathangers could reach." I knew I was in trouble ...  
  Last night I was having an incredible conversation with my friend for hours on end, and for some reason I was mentioning a friend of mine who is interested in martial arts.  I said, "He has a black belt in Nintendo."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         class situation n  1  Teacher asks one pupil to come forward during chemistry lessons. I raise my hand and step forward.  Teacher produces large brown bottle and asks me to take a slight sniff and tell the class what it smells like.  Trying to impress my fellow pupils, I snort all i can take in into my 14-year old lungs.  Pass out.  Teacher: "DO NOT SNIFF ETHER!!!"  Good lesson,  sensei  
  At an eighth-grade dance, I wasn't very cool, but Jason C. was a little cooler than I was, so I figured I'd follow him around all night. Problem was, I was a little cooler than Paul L., so Paul figured he'd follow me around all night. And James M. wasn't quite as cool as Paul, so ... And so it went, until, I shit you not, seven of us were walking around in a line, in diminishing order of coolness. Until Jason turned around and yelled, "Stop following me! You guys are dorks." I turned around and said, "Yeah." Jason said to me, "I mean you too."  
  God damn I REALLY have to pee... i mean really you have no clue i'm ready to explode you think this is funny? neither do i i think it's painful. crap. maybe i should just sit here and finger my perioding self until something neat happens...would that be funny?  Maybe I should write messages on the computer monitor with my sloppy wet bloody goodness for my mom when she gets home.  Would that be funny?  I'm out of tampons.  God dammit.  Is that worse than my need to pee?  I really don't know!  Maybe I should hang bloody tampons from the light pully things so when she goes to turn on the light to get on the computer her hand will be covered in bloody goodness...that yummy chunky stuff...the slimy stringy kind of period that's fun to play with in the bath tub.  But wait...I have to pee...or am I just excited about torturing someone with my terrifying deadly blood crotch of doom....mwa ha haaaaa....feel the wrath of my warm stink goo....        
  At work, holding a tattered dollar bill. Along the edges, just within the margin, someone had written the following in orange pen.  "This dollar has been pissed on. You are now holding it. Go wash your hands, Ha Ha!"  
   Das Boot   Canoeing with my father, drinking beer and whiskey from breakfast on.  We hit some rapids:  I am navigating in the front.  "Quick, hard right!  I see a gap in the shelf ahead!" I shouted back to him, in the rudder position.  He promptly ignored me.  We got hung up on the shelf and tipped the canoe.  Spent a half-an-hour fishing the supplies out of the river and emptying the boat of water.  I saw one of my shoes 3 miles down river.  We stopped and bought more beer.  
  My car broke down, my big boss gives me a ride to work, 30 min drive.  Chit chat, right?  It's embarassing enough that my Caprice is a POS and that my clothes are ruffled and stained:  Mr. Boss is clean cut with pretty nails and haircut and car (no smoking please). I begin to realize my chatting is in the wrong direction as I find myself saying "Yeah, my dad saved the guy's life.  Then they tried to steal our pigs."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A stripper just sent me an e-mail asking if she could move out on her boyfriend and rent a room from me. She is also hinting around for a job.  I am easily old enough to know better, but I am still wondering if I should go for the whole lowbrow experience and let her move in.  Maybe I will just go for a mini-lowbrow and just give her the opportunity to "talk" me into it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I get home from a long day at work. I go out back to feed the dog.  He's a 220lb St. Bernard.  He's VERY happy to see me.  Is it a lowbrow moment when I notice that his penis is bigger than mine?  
  I guess he got tired of hearing me complain about the shitty neighbors, because he yelled at me that the only thing that would make me happy would be to live out in the woods, in a house with a moat and a hundred-yard wide minefield, and a machine gun nest on the roof.  And your point, wussboy?  
  8/30/02  I'm in training for advanced level techincal support for a nationwide ISP. I'm supposed to be paying attention, but I'm not, I'm surfing lowbrow. I'm sure I'll hit the phones and deprive dozens of you of the web for the first few weeks until I figure out what the hell is going. Long live lowbrow.  
  my penis hurts.  maybe by now i would have learned that soap and the penis do not play well together in the shower.  
  You know my friend is the most absolute liberal in the world, because when she heard someone say: "God, you're so gay!" She marched up to him and asked fiercly: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING GAY?"        
  Just happened to me.  I was in our (formerly) disgusting work bathroom ready to take a piss and I noticed that the janitor finally cleaned it.  I was thinking about how I should post an update to lowbrow about it, and when my brain thought the word 'lowbrow' my thumb slipped and my underwear elastic snapped up and cracked me in the wang mid-stream.  I sprayed the floor and the back of the toilet.  hmmmmm...lowbrow indeed.  -Doc-    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just had a vurp.  You know, when you burp and a chunk of barf comes up unbidden?  God, I hate that.  
  The first time I smoked pot, I got horny and tried to jerk off.   I forgot what I was doing.  30 minutes later I look down and wonder why my pants are around my ankles and my cock is in my hand.   
  It was first year in residence.  Myself and a bunch of other people from my floor had made the trek downtown to the marked to go to a porn shop.  I'm looking through a buddy of mine's purchase, when I see a girl who looks dead on like an ex of mine.  The thing is, although we did some fun stuff (she was the one blowing me in the station wagon when the cops showed up), we never actually had sex.  So I decide to phone her and ask.  I hadn't spoken with her after she made the 2 hour journey to my house just so I could break up with her.  "Hello?"  "Hey, it's James."  "James?  Oh my god, I haven't talked to you in a long time..."  "Yeah, it's been a while.  Listen: I just opened this porn magazine and it looks exactly like you.  I was just wondering if it was you."  "You haven't changed much, have you?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            Running a pirate FM radio station that reaches thousands was fun, it set the stage for great parties and hot chicks.  for 3 years, until the FCC showed up at my door threataning upto $100,000 and a year in jail for each offense.  What did each offense mean anyways? for each hour? each day? each year?  i dont know, but i sure am lucky they took the equipment and left me there with a promise not to do it again.  
  I find myself actually repeating lowbrow moments out load to people - like it is going to help with a social standing.  "I read online today about a woman that watched some guy lick his own cum out of his belly button."  That is a real water cooler winner.  
  A group of friends and I went to a club in Dallas.  It wasn't too bad and a buddy of mine spotted 4 pretty good looking girls a little ways from us on the dance floor.  We started over to them.  About 5 feet away from them, the girls got closer to each other, then started kissing.  We weren't sure whether to be disappointed or overly excited.    
  once upon a time i spent an evening weeping because i was missing a New Kids on the Block concert  now   all these horrific  (and oh so similar) Pop sensations make me want to puke  every thing changes  
  my dorm parent used to sing to me in  the morning to try and wake me up, then yank off the blankets.  One day, the same routine follows, except I'm wearing some boxer briefs and I HAVE A HUGE BONER!! she screams and leaves the room.  I never had to listen to her sing again.    
  You don't EAT the fortune cookie. You just DON'T. You read the fortune and then leave the cookie in broken pieces on your plate.  
  did you know you could use active desktop in Windows 98 and higher to put lowbrow as your desktop background?  hehehe  
  My first wife left me for another woman.  Moved in with her, became lovers.  Humiliating?   Only for a day or two -- I soon found out that the only reason the Other Woman (Hi, Cathy Schultz!) invited my wife to stay with her was so that she could legitimately get at me.  
  'Twas at a party and present at this party was a man who professed to be the greatest blunt roller ever. And for all intents and purposes, he was.  He was dared to roll one blunt out of a half oz. of decent herb.  The fucker actually did it - it was like smoking a big dink or something it was HUGE and so many folks were puffing on it and it was wet and smooshy after a few turns around the room and it became incredibly resinated very, very fast.  We very badly wanted to stop smoking it for the grossness, but out of shame (and not just a little bit of respect) we smoked it down to its' resiny, sopping wet roach.  So he's now officially the BEST BLUNT ROLLER EVER.....   
  Right now I see alot of moments with references to both the original moment challenging people to use KY Jelly and bible in a sentance and the one about the big zoot suit party when someone strikes the lottery, but I don't see either of the original threads anymore.   Does this mean that those of us around for the original moments are now somehow an older generation of lowbrowers?  
   Movie Reviews We Never Finished #3  "Counterstrike" sends the presidents of China and the United States to sea on the Queen Elizabeth 2 with a determined bunch of evildoers who threaten to detonate the ship and everyone aboard. Even though the presidents seem like a couple of earnest bureaucrats, you may find yourself hoping for the big kapow.  It would provide at least one jolt to this tepid melodrama and, even better, bring it to a blessedly early conclusion.  No such luck.  
  New Year's Eve, 1979:  New Year is a solemn, IMPORTANT occasion to Scots, more important than Christmas, and my new American wife tries hard, but doesn't understand.  11:30pm, I say I want to be alone.  I walk out, at a loss, then I break into my tall, blonde neighbour's house, dig into her laundry hamper.  I go back outside. In the dark, I stretch her soiled panties over my head and whack off while the New Year bells ring.  
  So I'm grocery shopping with my roommate and we're sitting there looking at lettuce and I see this muscular black man about 15 years older than me staring at me.  He walks by me and says "how you doing?"  and keeps walking.  I quietly say "I'm fine, thank you" and keep staring at lettuce.   He walks by another minute later and is like, "what?  do you not speak english?!"  and I repond with "yes, and I answered you.  I said I'm fine thank you."  At this point he goes on to tell me that he thinks I'm attractive, blah blah blah, and I kindly thank him and get back to the idea of a salad for dinner. As he walks away, my roommate and I begin discussing the situation and we're both shocked that he had the balls to do that.  About a minute later he comes back again and gets in my face and is like, "did I scare you?  have you ever been hit on by a black man before?  I didn't mean to offend you." but he says it in such a way that makes me sound racist and then goes on to tell me how he thinks women are attractive no matter what color they are.   Ok, yay for him.. he thinks all color of women are attractive (he actually said, "black, white, blue, red.. whatever".....)  But for the love of god, if a girl doesn't speak to you the first two times you try to talk to her, why must a guy come up for a third time?!  And then make it sound like I did something wrong?!?!!     
  nathan pointed something out the other day. no matter how flawed your character may seem, when you were just a sperm, you beat all the other sperms.  you were the first!  so you must have something going for you.  
    Two guys are sitting in a recovery room waiting for the dizziness to wear off after giving blood. The nurse comes in and hands both guys some magazines to read while they are waiting...   Suddenly, the guy on the left falls to the floor. He is passed out. The other guy in the room is panics and starts at the door to get the nurse when he notices something... *Remember, they gave blood* Crumpled on the ground was the magazine that the nurse gave the passed out guy. It was the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition.  With the lack of blood in his body, Passed Out Guy got a boner. With not enough blood to run both his dick and his head, the blood had to go somewhere. Thus, Passed Out Guy is passed out. Kind a cruel joke when you don't have enough blood in your body to run the two most important parts of your anatomy.....  
  When Lowbrow returned, I almost cried for joy. What the hell is lower than that?  
  a thought on threesomes:  always guest star.  
  one of the joys of being a grownup is  that i now live in a small, cold city in a  little rented cottage with an outside  toilet.  when you use it in the middle  of the night, and you turn around to  flush......the bowl is invariably filled  with steam.  i find this disturbing.   very disturbing.  
  A lady in Vancouver recently told the police she was concerned about all the deer being killed near a "deer crossing" sign in her neighbourhood.  She asked the police to move the "deer crossing" sign to a place where it would be safer for them to cross.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i am a sick, perverted girl. my psychologist asked me a probing question about how i evaluate myself and others, and i looked her dead in the eye.   "First principles, Dr. Poolin. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing, ask: What is it, in itself, what is its nature...?"  she didn't catch it, and i've decided to work  silence of the lambs  into every session until she does.  someday, i'm going to be committed. i guess then i'll have to start using  one flew over the cukoo's nest .   
        At rehearsal, I answered my frummers question with..."because people are fucking ignorant."  I then realized that answers 99% of all questions...  
   Fury440III: stick together is what good waffles do, and MTV is a bad, bad waffle  digi0xFF: the damage done to your brain by just flipping past it is unimaginable        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Griping to my daughter how it seems that I can't do anything at work without someone watching me. People actually come up to me and say, "Hey, remember when...?"  I don't like this. My daughter says, "But mom, you're so much fun to watch."  What the hell????  
  I bought one of those Hello Kitty vibrators online, and right before I rub it against my clitoris, the same mantra leaves my lips as I rub it against my pussy, "Hello Kitty say hello to my kitty."   
  Walking with a co-worker to a meeting I said, "Hmm, I wonder what else the company is taking away from us. Hey, Sock it to me!"  My co-worker said, "Yeah, Fuck us over some more, why don't 'ya."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What's the big deal with all the posts about having dorm mates walk in on you spanking it? Look them in the eye and continue. Let *them* be embarassed.  
    The High School Puke Story - 2 of 2    After I had emptied by stomach acids into my book bag, caused great pandemonium in the class, and was taken to the nurse's station, things resumed to normalicy.  With one loose end. Now, R, who I was sitting right next to at the time of purge had no problem with my technicolor yawn.  His words: It was like a front row seat at a Gwar show.  And my aim was beautiful so neither he, nor I got muddied with my breakfast's return.  And, as I found out, they still had to go through with a quiz.  That's something we never could understand.   It was the jewish Princess in class.  Woops, I puked.  Granted, I could have done so in private, but it didn't work out that way.  And Bitch was such an inflated small town daddy's girl that she wouldn't stop talking about it.   Cut to the General School Assembly, held every Monday and Wednesday, alternate Fridays(Mother-fuckin private schools) on the day of my vomit.  Bitch was sitting two rows behind me, and R from was between us. Bitch starts going off about how disgusting that display was.  Couldn't hold it, ruined a french book, already have burned my bag.  Shut up already.  "Doesn't he know how appauled we all are?"  Don't you know I'm within earshot?  "He's just a filthy pig."      
  A friend of mine was eating with a few other people at a local Boston Pizza.  After having a very spicy dish he realizes he has the runs and gets over to the bathrooms.  The ones in Boston Pizza are packed full, so he dashes across the parking lot to a nearby Burger King.  He enters Burger King and heads straight towards the nearest stall.  Turning around, unzipping and pulling down his pants... he's on track.  He suddenly has no control and blows his 'load' all over the toilet and wall behind him.  He turns to look and is instantly overwhelmed by the stench.  He doesn't stop to clean up, but quickly exits the stall and heads for the door.  Turning, he notices a man heading to the door of the stall (poor guy).  My friend will never forget his BK experience.  
  i was visiting Texas when the woman behind me in line at the supermarket heard me say something about my native San Francisco.  she tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "San Francisco!  Are you one of those ho-mo-sex-u-als?"  i stared incredulously for only a moment before wrapping my arm around my best friend's neck and planting a kiss on her cheek and replied,   "absolutely! and we're looking for a third!"    
  I heard that you can earn fifty dollars for donating your sperm to a sperm back.  Well, i have a washcloth worth 300 grand.  I use it as a doorstop.  
  I went to New York to bail my friend out of jail once, and while we were in front of the courthouse he looked up and a bird took a dump right into his mouth.   Okay, so maybe not right in like catching a circus peanut you've tossed in the air, but maybe like catching a scoop of melty ice cream.   That's what he gets for trying to save Tibet.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Settled into my usual Sunday night redeye SD-NY commute & began willing myself to sleep.  But it wouldn't happen this time, for on the Vegas layover a monstrous woman installed herself in the next seat.  There was no question of lowering the armrest; this became physically impossible. "Scuse me!" she hailed the flight attendant, "can I get a seat belt extension?"  I'd no idea such things existed.  "Uh," she asked petulantly after an unsuccessful experiment, "can I get a second belt extension?" She fell asleep instantly, snoring loudly, and was seized intermittently by violent tremors & kept leaning over on me.  Worse, she had gas. Arrived 8 hrs later at JFK, no doubt looking like shit.  "Rough flight?" my client asked. "Don't ask."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking around the islands crowded with fads in the department store I come across a small girl.  A pretty little thing she was.  Near her is a stroller containing a gurgling baby.  "That's my sister" she says "Really?  Well she's very cute" I reply "Wanna know how old she is?" "Sure...how old?" "This many" says the beaming 6 year old, flipping me the bird.  Children are so cruel ::sigh::  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in college, me, my gf and two other friends went to visit a friend of ours up in NoCal where he was going to school. We rented a hotel room, bought a couple bottles of VONS tequilla (one gold, one silver), one of those plastic limes filled with "lime juice" and a couple sixers of Bacardi Breezers. Man I drank some stupid shit when I was younger.  A little over an hour later, after all the booze was gone, I found myself in the bathroom with my gf asking me to fuck her in the ass. I was excited. I'd thought it would be much harder to get the okay for something like that. Y'know what? I couldn't do it. No lube. You need lube if you're going to try to get into a butthole for the first time. This all makes sense in hind-sight.  My evening ended with me nude in the bath tub, laying in a mixture of water and puke a couple inches deep, flicking chunks of the Whopper I'd eaten for dinner that evening. I simply could not stand up.  I really miss that girl.  
  i picked up the bowling ball and prepared to throw. he learned in and whispered in my ear "if you get a strike I'm going to fuck your brains out tonight". needless to say, it was a gutterball. oh well, he did anyway.   
  "Hi there.  I'm Jessica."  "Hi.  How're you doing?"  "I'm okay.  I have a kinda personal question for you, if you don't mind"  "Shoot."  "Well, umm, this may sound kinda weird, but I'm really horny right now, but I'm not looking for any relationships or commitments or anything, cuz I'm here from Sweden for only a few weeks.  So, I was wondering if you'd like to go somewhere and, uh, well, see what happens."  "Sure!  That sounds great."  "Okay, cool.  Hold on just a minute.  I have to go get my friend.  Actually, she's my bisexual lover, so I feel kinda bad leaving her alone.  Do you mind if she comes along?"  "No, no problem at all"  "I have to warn you, though, before anything starts; she likes anal.  A lot."  "Wow, really?  Me, too!"  "Well, come on then.  I'm not sure Tanya and I can keep our hands off each other on the way to my place, cuz she's pretty hard up, too, so you'll have to drive my car.  It's the blue and white '67 Shelby Mustang Cobra GT 350 over there.  By the way, do you like Guinness?"  How come shit like this never happens to me?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last year I drove to my friend's house in Tucson AZ.  We were walking around outside and stopped and sat on the curb.  There was desert crap like rocks and cactuses behind us.  My friend's brother wandered off for a couple minutes, then came back with what looked like a red balloon in his mouth that he was trying to blow up.  On closer inspection, it was a used condom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ingredients for a SuperFish:  1 Bubbletape Container 1 Knife 1 Twisted Mind 1 FSmall fish of some kind  Baking Directions: Take the lid off the bubble tape container and fashion a fake fish tail...make sure to make it as big as the entire lid. at one end, fashion a double barb (like an arrow). Next, catch a small fish. Cut off its tail. Put the NEW AND IMPROVED big tail in there and let the little fucker go...watch how fast he swims now!  SCIENCE!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           Consider the garbage rat.   Not the cute white rodents found in suburban cages and mall pet stores.   I mean the gray and brown, quick moving sewer rodents that have caused plagues, eat garbage and are considered vermin.  If you really take into consideration this animal, you will find his worth.   He means no harm to anyone and yet many loathe his existence.  Unlike most humans I know, the sewer rat doesn t attack unless provoked, devotes love and guidance for  it s young and pretty much stays to itself.   Not much greed, pride nor desire to succeed.  The rat also makes his home in places no other animal, short of insects and bacteria, would.  Add in some darkness, a bit of dank air   The perfect home.  A nice comfy nest just outside the shit hole.   If we are ruthlessly ousted from our pretty white houses and are forced to live in filth, the rat will smile.  They will have the last laugh.  I like the rat.   Especially the ones that know this wisdom.   
  In a vastly stupid display of his misplaced principles, this moron had had himself placed in a small cage outside the healthfood store to show people how poor little animals had to live before we asserted our foodchain superiority and ate them. He had a sign up saying to protest meat eating, he was going to fast in there all weekend.  So I went and bought a huge cheeseburger on day three and ate it sitting at the curb next to his Peta-pious display, and he drooled like a puppy.   
  The girl was so nice, taking the time to stop and make change for our 10 dollar bill so we could pay the parking meter.  I almost felt bad for having used it to wipe after pissing behind the dumpster 20 minutes prior.    
  I live in an apartment complex with assigned parking. The covered places are reserved for specific apartments, the uncovered is free game. Often I come home around one in the morning to find free spots open and mine taken. Now I'm the only one who can park there without getting towed or so I'm lead to belive by management. There are a number of cars that do this, a red grand prix, a white chevy, an old blue mercury. It's obnoxious, and they never get towed. I've taken to writing "Don't park here." in peanutt butter on their windshields. I hope this is effective as the next step is collecting sperm from everyone in the apartment and dumping it on their windshields after lining the wipers with vaselline.   I suppose I could call and have them towed, but making them clean cum and vaselline off of the windshields is better than the $80 fine.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Maybelline Moments #1  Sitting in my livingroom on my farm in Spencer, NY, there is absolute stillness all around.  Only about three cars a day go by, so the silence is absolutely precious.  So is this particular morning, with the sun lighting the carpet and warming my back.  I notice a very young mouse has wandered into the patch of sunlight and is cleaning itself. It's a really gorgeous sight, watching the young thing sit there innocently.  When I tire of the floor show, I nudge the enormous Maine Coon Cat sleeping on my lap.  Within 30 seconds, she's back on my lap, licking a few flecks of blood from her calico fur...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I woke up this morning and I noticed something weird....I couldn't feel anything in my left hand. It was kinda cool though. It was all puffy and was all these different weird colors. I tried beating it against my dresser, but I still couldn't feel anything.   So I kinda forgot about it and went in the bathroom to wipe the foam off that had built up around my mouth....that had never happened to me before, but I didn't think much of it.   Anyway, my parents are -always- overreacting! When they saw my hand they just freaked out...they threw me in the car and rushed me to the hospital. I told them I didn't need to go because I felt just fine, but they just didn't listen to me...they never do.   When I got there they gave me these really cool little pills that made me so happy. When I woke up, I asked if I could have some more, but they said I couldn't because the operation was over already. I wondered what operation they were talking about and then I noticed my hand. My left hand was gone! Oh well, I thought....I never use that one anyway.    "Good thing I'm right handed" I said with a chuckle. I'm pretty funny sometimes. My parents didn't think it was as funny. They have no sense of humor.   So then the doctor came in and started talking. He wasn't saying anything important - doctors never do. They always think they're *so* smart just because they went to college for 7 years. What a bunch of nerds. Anyway, he kept asking me something about a dog biting me. I laughed and told him that would never happen - I love dogs...they would never bite me! I told the doctor that he didn't know what he was talking about and maybe he should just go back to school, since he seems to like it sooo much. No-one else thought that was funny either.   I told them to put my hand back on now and that I didn't like it when they played tricks on me, but they wouldn't do it. Sometimes doctors can be really mean too. I guess got mad and I guess I probably started yelling too, and that's when they gave me more of those pills. The pills make me happy.    When I woke up I apologized to the doctors for making a scene, but I didn't really mean it. Doctors suck.   It's kind of hard to type now with only one hand, but that's ok. I'll get my hand back. Oh yes I will. And will those doctors ever be sorry for taking my hand away. Because I know where they sleep. I thought it was funny when my friend said that line, but the judge sure didn't. Judges have no sense of humor.  
  This place this time this hour  this rhyme  The sheets of sound  wrap me all around  John Coltrane at two in the morning  What ever happened to music that makes you shake and tremble from deep inside?  It's all been homogenized and Kenny G-ized and strained through the plastic souls of big-time producers and put onto CD for the uneducated masses.  Not that I want anyone, educated or un to miss out on a master like Coltrane or Hawkins or Gordon or any of a dozen others.  But does it touch them the way A Night in Tunisia on scratchy vinyl makes me want to cry?  Do the young of this day realize that everything they listen to stems in some way from men like Robert Johnson, divas like Big Momma Thornton, wizards like Dizzy Gilespie or just plain nice guys like Benny Goodman?  Do they realize how much more intense and challenging blues and jazz, the first truly American music, really is?  I gave the first saxophone lesson I have delivered in years the other night -- to a Kenny G wannabe.  What has this world come to?   
  We'd been friends and coworkers for about a year, telling each other our secrets and jokes and getting closer and closer every day.  One night, he invited me over to hot tub...with strawberries and whipped cream and candles and margaritas. (he made the BEST margaritas)  I gave him my heart that night.  We ended up in his bed and had the most beautiful lovemaking.  I heard music.  The next morning, he said, "I didn't mean for that to happen"  What the hell am I supposed to think.  He's long gone, and I still think about him when I'm screwing another guy.  Thanks for the accidental good time, bud.  
  Whenever I go to an art museum, I always carry around a tub of mayonnaise just in case someone asks me "Who's work do you like better, Monet or Manet?"  I would then respond by saying, "I like mayonnaise", whipping out the tub and sticking a handful in my mouth as I walk away...  No one has asked me yet, but it's bound to happen sooner or later...  
  Trptgod78: So who was the lucky guy tonight?  Ladeefrickingda: some really aggressive guy   Trptgod78: Rough sex?  Trptgod78: You didn't really know him, I take it?  Ladeefrickingda: well...I've had sex with him probably 20 times   Ladeefrickingda: but shit...know him?   Ladeefrickingda: not really   Trptgod78: How about this...What color are his eyes?  Ladeefrickingda: heh...no clue  Ladeefrickingda: I know his name is Greg, I know he has a daughter   Ladeefrickingda: that's about ALL I know   Ladeefrickingda: oh and he drives a red car   Ladeefrickingda: Yeap, that's all I know   Trptgod78: Haven't seen much other than the back seat?  Ladeefrickingda: no, we've always fucked at my place  Ladeefrickingda: when I lock the door when he leaves   Ladeefrickingda: I see a red car =)  Trptgod78: Cool, you know that right there was a lowbrow moment  Ladeefrickingda: OH MAN! it was    It sucks when even regular conversations turn into lowbrow moments.  Sigh.    
  When I was alittle kid my uncle was the funniest man in the world.  Later, after I was in my late teens, I realized he wasn't all that funny...just an alcoholic.  
  we were at the local bar, small town wisco... dave is actually sober, but not for the right reasons... because he was broke. the cops show up... reports of the bar serving under-agers. so they're walking around the bar, looking for the reported "perps". dave hurls his barstool backwards, hits the floor and rolls a few feet.  he gets up slowly, stumbles up to one of the cops and swears again.  says he's leaving. stumbles out of the bar, into his car (which is parked next to a cruiser, two cops in it) and leaves. they ignored the bait and us (real) drunks had to leave our cars there and walk home.    
  They're always asking me at work how it is I pee so quickly.  Constantly amazed, making a huge deal.  I could have explained to them that I do not wear pantyhose or underwear and if there's no one in the bathroom I don't wash my hands, so that all I have to do is hike up my skirt a little and wipe when I'm done.  Instead I sat at my desk and let my boyfriend get me horny via IM (which is not allowed at work).  I left a nice stain on my chair, hoping they'll get the hint.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments  Sitting on the veranda chatting with Henry, his little brother, and my little brother. Henry stands up and the towel falls off of his lap, revealing that he is wearing a black pleather thong. He dances off into the distance.  The following night I'm lying in bed watching From Hell, and there's a knock at the glass sliding door. It's Henry. In the thong.   Later, chillin on the beach around 4:30-ish after a night of clubbing, and Henry strides out from behind the palm trees clad in, you guessed it, the thong.  We bought it for him as a joke, he turned it into a lifestyle.   Now we call him Party Boy.  
  We met cute, both drunk at a party. We drove to a dark motel only to find he was too cheap to spring for a room. So we did it, clumsily, in the back seat. Then he passed out. I shook him awake to have him take me back to my car. "Fuck you" he slurred and passed out again. So I took his pants and keys and walked the six blocks back in the snow.  Fuck me? Fuck you, I'm sure.  
  You know, I used to think that all males had certain instincts, that operated at all times.  If you shout "Heads up!" and toss someone a nerf football, you expect them to catch it right?  So if you shout "Heads up!" and throw a Nerf into a group of ten guys on a deck you'd expect ONE of them to make a grab for it right?  Man, put two drinks in these guys and no one gave a rats ass about the football. Pansies.  
  a lot of guys wank off in toilet stalls in bathrooms (or maybe they dont), but how many of them have the balls to wank off at urinals?  that's right.  you heard me.  URINALS.  
   just watched a video of the US fucking up afghanistan. i saw a stock video of a tomahawk cruise missile. i guess that they were conventional warheads. one could switch out the warhead for a bio or nuke.   then i got an idea. i could jack off in a jar and make that the warhead. when it hit osama it would be just like giving him the facial he really wants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We loaded my friend's wrecked motorcycle onto the back of a truck, without benefit of a ramp, on the hottest day of the year. I spotted a gallon jug of that cheap fruit punch in the bed and grabbed it.  Wow, it's still cool even in this heat,  I thought. I swallowed two gulps of the gasoline before I realized...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes after I shower then have sex I feel my hair and wonder if that's dried up cum in my hair, or is it hair gel?  Then I light a cigarette and forget all about it.  
  I just sucked down some taco sauce straight out of the little packet, and I needed something to cut the acidity. So I took a bite of marinated artichoke hearts.  Now my mouth tastes like pickled asparagus. Bizarre.   
  the first time i got high was with a friend while sitting in his truck out in the middle of fucking nowhere.  i'm really baked and really hungry, so we go to the git-n-go to get some snacks.  i grab some powdered sugar donuts and a big mountain dew.  but the guy at the counter looked at me weird.  he just KNEW that i was high.  it really freaked me out.  i later found out that the whole paranoia thing is normal.  wish i'd known that ahead of time, asshole.  
  The other day, my friends and I got to talking.  We were wondering what our names would be if we were named after the place in which we were concieved.  There were a few "Bedrooms"...ya know dull and boring.  There was a "Backseat" and a "Fireplace".  But no one could top my name: "Sleazy-HotelRoom-Four-Blocks-From-The-Alamo"   
  Oh, if the ocean were whiskey, and I had no cup...  ...let's face it, we'd still have one hell of an environmental catastrophe on our hands.  
  My brother had a pair of acryllic nunchucks (sp?). These things were smooth plastic and about 14 inches long.   So of course, on occasion when nobody else was home, I would lube up one end and in it would go. I just had to make sure that they were REALLY clean when I put them back.   He always wondered why I snickered whenever I saw him practicing with them.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Another lowbrow from my friend the communication therapist:   Old men's genitals succumb to gravity the way old women's tits do. She knows, because she has to be careful setting old men in their wheelchairs so they don't sit on their balls.   "Missy, I ain't sittin' right!"  
  I'm like something out of the Vapor's song Turning Japanese.  I keep looking at the photo of the boy I really fancy and all I can think about is sitting on his hot lips and having his tongue inside me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there are some times in life when you do something and later wish you had been drunk so it wouldnt sound so fucking stupid. one of those happened to my mate greg recently. he was on an ATV riding around a cattle station in australia with me and kyle, there is a cow out of its paddock, greg decides to chase it back, now heres the part i dont understand, he was chasing the cow and somehow drove right the fuck through a barbed wire fence, the quad made it through the barbs but two rows of wire caught greg across the neck and chest, he flipped off the back of the ATV and onto the ground, once i decided he wasnt going to bleed to death i couldnt quit laughing but it was pretty fucked up for a few minutes. we went directly to a bar right afterwords with greg shirtless and covered with blood, i love australia.  
  My boyfriend likes it when I hold his Mmm-Hmm while he takes a piss. Does that seem weird to anyone else??? Funny thing is, I'm actually pretty good at it. I even have the whole shake thing down. If only my mother knew where my hands have been. *sigh*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I SHOVE MY TONGUE RIGHT BETWEEN YOUR CHEEKS  I HAVEN'T MADE LOVE NOW FOR 25 WEEKS  I HEAR THAT YOU'RE SO TIGHT, YOUR LOVIN' SQUEAKS  AND I'M READY SO READY    ...god bless you, Steven Tyler.  
  When I was a kid I bagged at the local grocery store. Some chick came through one of the lines with a box of tampons that wouldn't ring up. The cashier asked me to get a price check on Tampax. I thought she said 'thumbtacks' and asked, "The kind you push in, or the kind you hammer in?"  
  "Yeah, well, you know," he said, jamming the DOOR CLOSE button on the elevator, "he's still my boss and I respect him and all that, but like, I can't laugh at his jokes anymore. It's just all fucked up -- I can't talk to him. But I still have a lot of respect for him."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  My friend called me today. She said "You will never guess who was standing in front of me in the line at Baja Tortilla tonight." "Who" "THAT GUY!" "Who Scott Seakins" "YES!!"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  My friend shot the car driving next to us with a really power bb gun.  He hit it about 3 times.  At the light this woman rolls down her window and asks if we just shot her car.  We asked what the hell she was talking about.  "Oh, well I'm sorry for asking."  Hahaha.  People will believe anything.  
  Three friends steal a couple liters gasoline from the neighbor; wait til dusk; go the nearby elementary school; pour gas on blacktop; throw match; flames leap 20 ft in the air (or so it appeared); run like the dickens.   Next day at school, laugh uproariously at the new black charred circle on the asphalt...  next installment:  Making Homemade Napalm...  
  self absorbed i rode my bike as fast as i could to get to the bank before it closed the atm ate my card and i needed cash getting up before a bank closes on the weekends was particularly tough for me at this time i turned the corner at full bore and hopped the front tire at the last second for a rather drunken bum lie across the width of the sidewalk \the backtire did however bounce off his outstretched arm i cringed knowing i broke a bums arm i sat him up and checked his arm his breath coulda made a train take a dirt road he muttered a bunch of shit at me yanked his arm away and swore i would have too i apologized again and began to leave him he asked for money i couldnt even pay him cos i was trying to get to the bank before it oh fuck i rode across the parking lot and got to the doors as the rather snooty teller twisted the lock  best go to a bar where i can get a tab until tomorrow cos this days already shot        
  The fact that I too, would have to swim in it if I pee in the pool almost stops me from doing so.  Almost.  
  Never eat a meal after eating 1/8 of mushrooms.  I did.  A few hours later, I had to piss.  Urination causes your dugestion to start up.  Standing my my best friend's bathroom, pissing, I vomit as I pass out, falling on the floor.  I awoke a few swconds later, not knowing where I was, thinking my mind had been thrust into an alternate reality of my own home.  I look at the sink, "Choice toothpaste?  Shouldn't it say Crest!?  Where the hell am I?  Who is that yelling the someone puked, out the door?"  I come to my senses.  Realize I just puked all over my best friend's bathroom floor, and it STUNK!  I cleaned it spotless in 20 min.  Then sat down and sulked for a few hours.  And I still smelled like puked up chili...  
  Is it just me, or do women wearing big headphones with pigtails turn you on too?  
  never mix valium with alcohol. if you do, then just don't join co-workers for happy hour that day. i thought taking my shirt off was a swell idea.   i wouldn't have minded so much, but everyone got to see my navel ring, and i always wanted that to be something that only a lover would see.  i guess i'll have to sleep with all of them now.    
  So I went to take a shit at work. Someone was in the small stall so I walked into the big stall and sat down. As soon as things started flowing I noticed a turd about two tiles away. All I can say is thank god for a high fiber diet because I was in and out of there in about three minutes. Meanwhile, the guy sitting in the stall next to me remained on the pot. He was probably trying to force out last nights steak and hash. And I know he knew about the turd. Poor thing....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Telling words from the middle of a conversation:  She: How do you know when you are sober?  He: I hurt.  
  Office predicament #1 I have to seriouly get to the bathroom since that Tex MEx lunch has caught up with me with a vengance, but I have such a hard on that I can't stand up and walk there!  
  My parents, my 5 year old brother and I went to Blockbuster one night to pick up some movies. While I was walking aimlessly around- I noticed my little brother standing near an aisle of Playstation games. I snuck up behind him, lifting him up by his arms and swinging him around in the air. When I set him back down, he turned around and looked at me- Then at that moment I realized that this wasn't my brother. The little boy gave me a terrified stare as I apologized, laughing nervously, and then walked out to our car. For some reason I thought about it being assumed I tried to molest the poor little kid, (God forbid THAT) but.. yeah..   
  I was 13 when I first felt a pussy.  I fingered her in her parents laundry room, and then held my middle finger under my nose the entire walk home.  I can still remember excatly how she smelled 20 years later.   
  I needed a cigarette and the dog needed to go out. Good, kill two birds with one stone. (I refuse to smoke in my house.)  I get out there with my dog and she starts doing her business, good time to light up. I take out my cigarette and it looks like she's about to finish..  "NO, KEEP TAKING YOUR SHIT"  She did, good, I light up with plenty of time, even if she took a crap in the flowerbed that took me weeks to complete, I didn't care.. I had nicotine.  
  I was just sitting here in my cow print boxers, hitting "reload" on lowbrow when i felt something tickle my inner thigh. I reached down to scratch and found a hair.  An unusually long hair for that area, so i pulled on it. A 2' long hair just came out of my ass. At least 18" of it was actually IN my ass. I have long hair, so i'm reasonably sure it's mine, but jesus... how'd it get up there?   
  I'm humping my (now ex) gf in the morning after our first nigth together.  She's just lying and I'm starting to get bored and distracted.  Suddenly she looks at me sideways and says, "You're not straight are you?"  "What the fuck are you talking about?" I demand, my sexual orientation completely insulted.  "Your not straight.  It's ok, I'm not straight either."  "what the hell are you talking about?!?" I stare at her dumbfounded.  "Your cock is curved not straight right? It's cool though my vagina curves back the same way."  She realizes what she said at the same time I realize what she meant, and we both laugh so hard we both choked.   
  I didn't have any Salt & Vinegar chips and I was really stoned.  Plain potato chips dipped in vinegar don't quite taste as good...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         .. so our parents are away and the grands are in charge. We decide to shoot up the house with BB guns using raisins as ammunition.  The house is full of dried fragments of blasted raisins. My dad exclaims in disgust as he thinks gramps has spent two weeks picking his nose....  
  BMW... Check Rolex... Check Custom Made Outfit... Check  How the fuck did I manage to get into a barfight at the semi-local pub and almost lose?  My original intentions were to go for some groceries and saunter around the supermarket.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Which works better,   "The fashion of the christ"  or,  "Queer Eye for the Crucified Guy"?  
  There's a new fabric softener on the market. Its called 'Downy'. That just cracks me up. My favorite insult is "midget beggar".       
  When naming my vibrator, I considered the following highly appropriate names:  Beatrice - meaning Bringer of joy Ellema - meaning Milking a Cow Eudora - meaing Gift Without Limits Isoke - meaning Satisfying Gift Messina - meaning The Spoiler Vanora - meaning White Wave Gleda - meaning To Make Happy Juji - meaning Heap of Love Nenet - meaning Goddess of the Deep Nissa - meaning Friendly Elf Xena - meaning Welcome Guest  Then I decided on Bob because she looks like a Bob.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 10, I used to go to gymnastics lessons after school.  There was a payphone in the lobby and I made a habit of checking for change in the return slot while I waited for class to begin.  One day there was a woman holding a two-year-old who was playing around with the phone.  I walked up to check for change, figuring they were just screwing around, not on a Real Mission.  The woman graciously stepped aside so I could use the phone.  I didn't have a call to make; I just checked the coin return, and found (joy of joys!) a penny!  I took it and walked away.  Later I found out that penny actually belonged to the two-year-old, who had been using it to pretend he was using the phone.  I stole a penny from a two-year-old!  
  i think sometimes, masturbation can be cheapened by pornography.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sssshhhhhhhh dont look now  but the guy writing this is standing right behind you NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! dont turn around just stay calm dont look if you look he will leave see i told you he would leave    
  Planted my face in the ice rink. 6 stitches in my chin and a hole poked in my lip from my own tooth. bought a 12 pack of pabst blue ribbon on the way home from the hospital. It complimented the blood from the hole in my lip rather nicely...  
  practicing homosexual, he said, like she'd gone through college to get a certificate.  
     She's constantly being called a lesbian.  And can't figure out why.  No wonder.  maybe the orange green and red rainbow clothes and her outgoing attitude have something to do with it.       Or maybe it's just how she holds hands and kisses girls at Disneyland.  FOR THE HELL OF IT.    
    worked all day in federal court in ny in a suit. an expensive suit. rode in a cab in manhattan. smack radar took over. found myself coping smack in the east village. again. spoken word living the surreal. bought a candle picked up a girl. my life. my life. went to my hotel. lit the candle and got high, felt warm. very warm. no worries now. the city light and sound dimmed as the waves of tranquility rolled in my head. walked hells kitchen at sunrise.felt so alone and didnt care.    i dont do junk anymore.    im always writing.   poetry in motion.   thoughts.   july 1,2001    
  I keep a pair of size 5 pants in my closet. They used to fit me back when I was bulemic.        
  it wasn't until i went to college that i learnd that girls,too, can have hairy feet.    ...and they say kids today waste their college educations!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After not seeing her for 10 years since high school I was puzzled to hear the first words outta her mouth. "Hey, I am a pagan!"  Well, good for you.  "I'm also a lesbian!" she chirped. "And my boyfriend from high school got a sex change so we are still going out! Wanna come over and play D&D with us sometime?"  How do you politely say, "DEAR GOD, NO FUCKING WAY...YOU SPASTIC FREAKS!"  "Gee, sounds great but I got work in the morning."   "Awww, really? When?"  "Uh...every single night. Gotta run. Bye!"  Hey I have no problem with Pagans, or Lesbians, or even D&D players....but all in one package? I felt unclean just having talked to he.   
  While stoned, I decided to do that thing with the lighter flint: you know, turn the wheel fast enough that it grinds the flint but too slow to spark then collect the resulting powder because when you ignite it, it looks like a sparkler.  You can put the powder on a cigarette and have a sssparkly sscigarette (spoken with a thick gay lisssp), sprinkle it over a flame and have sparkles in the air, blow it into the air and have flying sparkles, or you can do what I did...  I decided I needed a lot of it (more flint-powder-stuff = more sparkle = more cool), so I kept on doing it until I had a patch in my palm (very common way to collect it) the approximate size of a dime.  Then, not realizing an additional part of the above equation (specifically more sparkle = more HEAT), I ignited it in my hand.  I now have a blister the approximate size of a dime on the palm of my left hand.  But, oh what sparkling my palm did!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i posted a while back about my friend demanding all his best men grow mullets for his wedding. i thought mine was going alright, but after 5 months it seems that the back of my hair has ceased it's growth. the rest is pretty fucking long, though. so i asked him and his fiancee if i could cut it into a 9 inch mohawk instead. she said she would have to check with her mom, but that patty is all for mohawks, so it should be fine, as long as i make it red or blue or something. the groom's uncle is a vietnam vet so they're going to drive down to illinois in a van to pick up mass quantities of tax free liquor. that's gonna be one great fucking wedding.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What if someone invented an engine that would get 500 miles to the gallon?  Of infant blood.  
  Coming home from warped tour i was feeling like shit for no particulare reason.     We're driving home and I decide the stench of my shirt is only making things worse so I take it off and put it on the floor.  All my friends decide they want to take off their shirts too.  So its four girls driving down the long island expressway in a shitty old Plymoth Aclaim at midnight all just in bras.  Then I have to barf but theres things on the side of the expressway at this exact moment so we can't pull over. SO I roll down the window and barf and it all sprays back and hits the car.  Then we can finally pull over and i get out of the car and barf again on the side of the expressway, in my tan bra, looking like im naked as cars are flying by.  Good Times.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         becoming angry at the macintosh i start shaking the thing and yelling at it  "holy jesus" yells the wannabe bible beating little brat on the otherside of the computer room.  i turn around and reply angrily  "The only holy thing about jesus are the holes in his feet and the holes in his hands"  that shut her up  
  I was at the porno store with my friend on his 18th birthday.  I see a pocket pussy on the wall with a "try me" finger hole on it.  Right as I put my finger in it, the clerk says "Do you know how many people have stuck their finger in that?" Suddenly all the possibilities of what had been put into it ran through my head.  On the way home, I had my finger out the window the whole time.  
  Not my moment -- Judy Collins'  My then-fiancee was just crazy about Judy Collins, and was upset that I thought her a phony bunch of shit.  Driving from NY to Boulder, she managed to go to two concerts on consecutive nights.  At the first concert, she particularly loved the clever and funny way Judy shut down a heckler in the audience, verbally sparring with him until he just had to shut up.  The next night, hundreds of miles further west, not only was the playlist identical to the night before...  ...but so was the heckler, and the ad-libbed verbal sparring between them.  
   Checkout Girl #24  100&deg; out, and not much cooler inside. Tall, skinny checkout girl (not my type, at all :-), bored and distracted and chewing gum, hoists my 12-pack. She: "Ooh, this is nice and cool!" Me: "If you get off soon, I'll give you some." She brightens a little: "That would be nice, if I was old enough". Me: " What?  You're old enough! She: "I'm only nineteen". I look totally confused, then recover. I slap my head. Me: "Oh! You meant old enough to  drink! " She blushes and giggles. I leave. I do my best to brighten dull lives...  
  The moment my girlfriend realized I loved Liverpool more than her -  I'm literally crying tears of joy as Steven Gerrard puts the pool in front in the Worthington Cup final against manure (man utd for anyone who can't smell).  She - "Well you sure never cried for me"  Me - "Sob sob - well you never made me this happy"  She - "We'll see about that" and proceeds to try and give me head ...  ... I said proceeds because I stopped her to watch the game ...  It's important to have priorities in life :p  
  He was short, but taller than I. I don't like small framed men but he had those dark eyes and dark hair.  He was intelligent - but not as intelligent as I. I could forgive him for that.  When I took his picture in his turquois colored shirt (made in some far off land), I captured the look in his eyes while he looked at me.  And I was lost forever.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My boyfriend's 19th birthday fell during the first week in his first apartment.  His family came to see his new place and have birthday cake.  His mom made him a feather duvet for his birthday.  So naturally, when everyone left, we had sex on it.  After, I discovered that I had started my period.  Good thing his mom is a bit of a ditz, and made the duvet cover with a red and pink floral print. The blood stains hardly show.   
  The dark-haired guy plugged three quarters into the jukebox, punched some numbers.  Five seconds later, it started to play "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits.  She sang along, half-embarrassed she knew all the words.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  im taking my girlfriend home one day after college. i know how to get to her house and all but on this day she tells me to go straight when i should have  turned left.   Lo and behold about 4 or 5 miles down the  road she tells me to pull over in a rest area.  The next thing you know were getting it on for about three hours. it was great sex probably the best sex ive had with her yet  well any way the next day  im talking to a friend of mine who lives in my girlfriends town. so he goes to me,... "was that you pulled over there on the side of the road? I could have sworn i saw your car rocking back and fourth, I think it may need new shocks and struts"  i never had to answer cuz the grin gave it  away  
  My brother attends Cal Poly, SLO, and they've got some great parties down there (last time I was there, they set the dumpsters at his apartment complex on fire), which also means that they have great partiers.  Like my brother's roommate.  The first week of school, he's completely trashed and falls off one of those waist-high wall things, slicing his back open.  (He was sitting down).  The next year, trashed again, he falls down on his glass and puts a huge gash in his wrist and hand.  He still can't feel his thumb.  This past summer, you know what state he was in, he drove his jeep into a lightpost in the parking lot.  The light came down.  His jeep was stuck on the cement thing.  The authorities got involved after that one, so he had to go to AA classes, etc.  Few weeks ago, he comes home from his last meeting and says "I'm glad that's over.  Give me a beer"  I present to you, the future of America!  
  Don't call me paranoid, but....  You know those little red lines that you have on your face when you wake up?  You know, from the creases in the pillow where your head was lying (laying?) while you were sleeping?  I found out that those little red lines are the beginning of bed sores.   I sleep a lot less, now.  
  i'm horny to but unable to do anything (ie, masturbate) because my roomate is in the room. they're drilling across the street from my dorm.   for some reason this makes my chair vibrate slightly so close to a secrative orgasm then they stop fuck union workers they take too many breaks    
  When I came back to the hot tub, she was naked! "I want dick," she pleaded. "Get a sex change," I said.        
  Well, fuck me. They have decided to make a Batboy musical. You know, the half-boy and half-bat that has graced the cover of World Weekly News for a couple of years. I hate musicals, but I may have to go see this one.  
   Thirteen years old, digging around in my parents drawers trying to find some matches.   Finding instead a bunch of old nudie pics my mother had sent to my father when he was over in 'Nam.    Realising how much havoc dealing with an asshole husband and two godawful children can wreak upon a woman's looks.  
  When Covad's stock was under a dollar a share, I was going to buy in. I could get hundreds of shares for next to nothing, and, when they pulled themselves out of the bankruptcy, I'd be rich.   Instead, I spent the money I was going to use on Mexican ketamine and rum.  I'm still poor and I have no drugs.  
  What must it feel like owning one of those shitty, run-down hotels at the edge of town where every room is taken up by a hooker?  Do you really even bother to clean the pool?  
  I was on a date with this guy and we were hanging out with two of his friends. They were having fun asking me questions about how far I've gone and other things like that, when I decided to ask some questions. So, I asked the million dollar question to three 23 year old men about something that my ex had made me do almost all of the time....."you ever taken it in the butt?" they all told me very aggressively that they would never do anything like that "it's made for only one thing, and that's shitting," "my ass is exit only" and things like that while i sit there and think to myself "why is it that I always fall in love with gay men?"  
   Land Of The Free: I St. Patrick's Eve, 2002, I'm settling in for an early night when I get an emergency call from John at the  brewpub.&nbsp; They need some Celtic music for their party.  John says: &quot;Irish, Scottish -- they won't know the difference.&quot;   Just to have fun with the Yankee colonials, I quickly burn a CD with only German  1   and French  2   Medi val Celtic bands on it. It's a big hit, so I have a quick pint on the house and  head back home about 9pm.  When I make the last turn, the dark car behind me sudenly lights up like a Christmas tree.  It's only a brake light out, but since he has me stopped anyway, he has me stand on one leg while reciting the alphabet backwards while touching the tip of my nose while blowing up a little balloon.  I comply, untroubled, but when I handily pass all of his tests, he immediately calls in backup.    
  When I was a kid, I read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." There was this part where Mister Beaver was ranting about something and Aslan shut him up by saying, "Peace, Beaver."  Now, whenever I hear the word Peace, I always think the word Beaver.  
  I'm sorry, but leaving while taking a girl's virginity is not kosher.  It's just not.    
  after an especially brutal week at work, the bosses decided to buy us drinks at the bar downstairs. i got off around 6:30p, headed to the bar and quaffed two beers and a shot almost immediately. soon after the tab closed, but the bartender and i started doing shots together. don't know how many.  by 9:00p i was home, and chilling with some porcelain.   at 2:00a i woke up face down in my bedroom with a neat puddle of bile next to my mouth.   the only detail of the night i'm sure of is that a company vp paid for my taxi.   
  Here is my day, thus far:  - Wake up in a pool of my own blood because my body decided to kick my period into high gear, and of course, I was ill-prepared in the "feminine hygiene" department.  - After showering, go to gas station to pick up SUPER absorpency tampons and some pre-made flavored cappucino that my husband and I love. Thought it'd be a nice surprise. Was for him - mine, on the other hand, tasted like French Vanilla water. No coffee flavor AT ALL.  - Go out to breakfast - no problems there.  - My son dumps a load in his diaper, so I go to change him. He's had a wicked diaper rash over the past few days, so wipies have not been used. I attempt to use the toilet paper to wipe him up and there is so much shit there, it just smears instead of getting clean. I repeat this step, for what seems an eternity, with him wiggling around the entire time. Poop gets everywhere. On his outfit, on his legs, on my hand, on my arm. I decide "fuck it. His rash is practically gone, I'm going for a wipie." Go for the wipie - and of course, we have none left. Only an empty container on his changing table, teasing and mocking me.  - Unload the dishwasher while talking to my best friend on the phone. I had made a bottle and put it in the fridge. Went for the milk because I had eaten a cookie while still on the phone, somehow knocked over the bottle I had made, nipple came off, formula everywhere. To make things better, my son comes crawling into the kitchen at mach speed and tramples right through said formula. Had to cut the conversation with her short and go clean up my kitchen and my son - ONCE AGAIN.  - Changed my shirt because I had gone walking before my husband went to work and was very sweaty. I put on the clean tshirt, go to stretch it a little - as I always do because they get clingy in the dryer - on the bedpost at the bottom of my bed. Apparently not realizing my own strength, BROKE the bed completely off away from itself and the rest of the frame.  - Go to the store to buy more formula because the last of what I had here ended up all over my kitchen floor, and they are out of the one I need. The only size they have is HUGE and very expensive - I need the size smaller just to get us to payday next Friday. A clerk says they are cleaned out, won't be getting more til' Tuesday. I find the size I need (& the price I need) in a different brand, so I go ask the pharmacist what the differences are between the two, and she tells me "I'm sorry, I have no idea." I am forced to buy the ginormous can because I don't know what the new formula would do to my kid.  - I began to have the makings of a migraine and went for the Excedrin migraine bottle.  Empty.  Fucking shoot me.  
  Yesterday, after a long and heartfelt conversation with my boss I now know the following:  1. How to pick up chicks in Russia.  2. Wy younger, inexperienced girls are preferable to older, experienced women.  3. The benefits of the instability of the Russian black-market and open market systems as reflected by the profitability of the career of hired gun.  AND  4. Reasons behind America's anti-community based ideals of living and how that impeeds our understanding of cultures that do not have as high a standard of living as we.  On top of tha I got to meet his wife and children, which was pretty nice. 'Sides, his wife is really HOT and gave me something to think about latter tonight as I have sex with my girlfriend.  
  I was at work ( a gas station), and I started talking to my co-worker about fighting and what not. He was a big guy, a body-builder in fact, who had been in his share of fights. He said " if there was a guy that I thought would kick my ass, I'd just strip naked to fight him. Who the fuck would fight a naked psycho?"  I laughed for 2 hours, then agreed  
  Big John had diverticulitis. One week in the hospital and two recovering at home. In the middle of this his insurance company sent him a form asking to describe what had happened.  "I got sick. They cut me open and took stuff out."  
  My neighbor died from a brain aneurysm while he was taking a shit.   Don t strain so hard, folks. It can kill you dead as Elvis.   
  She hung up the phone with her long distance boyfriend: "You know, that kid has the communication skills of a mime"  
  me and a fat bitch were fucking on the floor cuz her fat ass broke my bed.   i'm banging her box tryin to nut, and i hear a plop plop sound. i look down and she has just shit all ove my carpet and on my balls.  i picked her up and threw her out the door. not actually "thrown" more like pushed. then opened a window and threw her shit out. her purse opened in mid flight and all her junk flew out.  i saw some perscription pills used to treat the runs that fell outta her purse.  and she asked "what the problem is?" i said you "shit on my floor bitch. you need to take your shitty ass away from here" she said "what are you talkin about?"  i got some plastic bags and i proceeded to fling shit at her.  she ran away screamin at me that she'll never fuck me again.  an hour later she comes knockin on my door lookin for a fuck sayin how sorry she was and all apologising.   i fuckin shut the door in her face.  i need some new freaks.  
  then he said id fucking grab the hardest thing i could find and wail the backside of his head till he ostrich planted his fat fucking face into the ground and then id use his exposed bloated ass like a bike rack ah imagery  
  "I don't know why I have so much trouble losing weight," she said as she piled on her third helping of pasta.  Sigh.        
   Hudson River Tales #13  When our company got the contract to monitor the river for the NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commision), they were really stretching. They needed 30 boat-savvy employees, they had none, and they had to be in place in two months. No problem for our company, they were Texas Instruments, and they think big. They went up to the Maine Marine Academy, and offered to hire the  entire  graduating class, but only if they all accepted, and they could be graduated two months early. I joined a couple years later, but the Maine culture had really set in. Everybody talked in fake Maine accents, pretending to be real fishermen, working "big draggers" (trawlers) on the Newfoundland Banks. Lots of fun. Until one day were were out in our 40' little dragger, pulling a few striped bass onboard in our net. We heard a noise and glanced up. A  real  90' Maine dragger (think of the Andrea Gayle in "The Perfect Storm") was driving up the channel (probably running drugs to Albany, actually). They spotted us, and altered course. What the hell? They had  lots  of fun with us, circling around at full throttle, knocking us almost sideways with their wake, then they took off without a word. After that, we all went back to speaking normally...  
  I kept hearing about how corn is supposed to not digest well, and how you can see it in your shit. its summer so we've been eating a lot more corn lately. I wanted to see if it was true so I started paying closer attention. I guess I have a really good digestive system or something, cause I have yet to see a single kernel. I'm kind of disappointed.  
  My friend was talking about the snowstorms that hit America recently and came out with the line "DC got pounded by 7 inches" I was the only one that laughed at this. Am i a bad person?  
  So I go to visit my wife in the hospital (suicide watch,) sporting a  never-before buzz cut.  She blinks, not recognizing me at first, and  then says, blandly- "Jesus Christ.  What have you done.  You look like  a fucking cancer patient."  
  Someone asked if your pets know what you're doing when you masturbate.  Heck yes they do, and they'll help out if you're nice to them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Getting caught more than once smoking pot at church is funnier than just once.  I didn't think it'd be true, but it got funnier every time we got caught.  Especially the time our youth director could tell we were high, so he looked at me square in the face and started to turn his head upside down...I couldn't help but laugh.  He drove me home early that night.  
  waving she recognized me and i pretended not to notice i rode my bike down the stairs into the harvard t stop to avoid her but she ran after me i hopped the turnstile bike in tow and jumped on the redline heading toward longfellow just as the beep sounded and the doors closed i had gotten a flat in the process and my heart felt like it would rip through my shirt its amazing what youll go through to avoid a confrontation with a woman who sucks in bed        
  powerdump blues:  i really hate it when you're squeezing out a huge turd and it breaks off somewhere in the middle...half in the toilet, half in your poop-chute.  then you use a whole roll of Charmin to wipe your ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)              When I was 4 my parents explained the facts of life to me.  Since I called my father poppy, it was only logical that sperm was refered to as "The Poppy Seed".  When I was 15 or so, I recalled this little term and since then have not been able to look at, let alone EAT, a poppy seed.  
  I puked in the back of my supervisor's car, one co-workers-night-out.  He saw me bent over and asked me what I was doing?  I couldn't answer, luckily the fat guy next to me could: "he's just tying his shoe" this was on Friday night, on Monday morning my supe comes into work and asks if someone left food in the back seat... cause it smells like pizza.  The fat guy who covered up for me instantly tattled and I had to go clean my two-day-old, hardened puke out my supe's car in the middle of the work day, while the fat guy "made sure I did a good job".   damn, I hate that fat guy.  
  I'm sprawled across the stairs, one shoe on, one shoe off, head down, legs akimbo.  My skirts all up around my hips, and I'm just laying there, checking for broken bones.  "Are you alright?"    I want to say:    "Hey, a**hole, look at me, no, stop looking at my panties, look at ME! Do I look like I'm ALRIGHT?!?"  What I really say: "Oh, yeah, I'm fine."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I heard he was having one of those investigator guys come by because he'd applied for a job that required a security clearance. I still had the spare key to his apartment. I also still had that one diabetic syringe from where my grandma had spent the week.  He's still a pig. He didn't even tidy up the coffee table, so of course when the investigator looked pointedly at the syringe lying on the table, it almost didn't come as a shock to him. I love that my mom and his are still acquainted... I get all the best news that way.   
  Dont you hate it when you gotta keep fucking your boyfriend just so he thinks nothing is wrong, even though youre planning to break up with him as soon as you find a place to live?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Aaaah, the first time I ever got high.  Had a deal with my Mom, that if I didn't do drugs until after I graduated highschool, I'd get $1000.  I made it, no problem, but it sure didn't stop me from hanging out with potheads.  My good friend Adam decides that he want to "pop my weed cherry."  We get into his mom's Benz SUV, and cruise around.  It tasted like burnt popcorn, and gave me the worst pasties I've ever had in my life.  I drank Sprite and all I could feel was the sugar sticking to my teeth.  I now have a taste for burnt popcorn.  
  My brother is so weird.  He likes to lick random things.  One time we were walking down the street next to the floor-to-ceiling window of a coffee shop.  We could see the people inside enjoying their coffee and bagels and reading the newspaper.  On a whim, my brother walks right up to the outside of the window, presses himself against it in a sexually suggestive way, and *licks* the friggin window.  Not just like a little lick.  Like he stuck his tongue all the way out and dragged it up and down and in circles on the glass.  Think about how gross this is.  On that window, there was exhaust from passing cars, stale cigarette smoke from people smoking on the corner, and God knows how many people stopped there and sneezed.  Filthy.  Ewww.  The best part of this shocking display was the look on the faces of the poor people inside.  I have never seen anyone look so utterly disgusted and weirded-out.  
  Waking up before a day of work and seriously considering slamming your hand into a car door to get out of going.    
  This moment happened many years ago.  The target of this prank had it coming that day, but we are good friends now.  I feel bad, but I still laugh about it endlessly.  So it was this one guy's birthday (We'll call him Josh) and everybody was hanging around getting loaded and relaxing and chewing the fat and doing what teenagers like to do at parties.  All was well.    Then this guy (we'll call him Brad) got really wasted and started to be obnoxious and generally made a pain in the ass out of himself.  After a while of being a plague on the party, he finally passed out.  You know, everybody is the obnoxious drunk from time to time, it was him that particular night.    So, after putting up with his shit for the night, we went out to the pond out back of Josh's house and captured the largest bullfrog I've _ever_ seen.  This fucker musta weighed at least half a pound.    Somebody (I don't remember who) snuck up on Brad who was passed out somewhere upstairs, lifted the waistband of his boxer shorts, and released the frog onto his nuts, and snapped the waistband shut.  Everybody runs back downstairs.  About 30 seconds later a very grumpy and discombobulated brad wanders down the stairs with a confused/irritated scowl on his face, holding a bullfrog.  He stands in the doorway and manages to slur something to the effect of "Whish wan ov you feckin' bashtards put a goddam FROG in my shorch!" at which point the frog escapes into the hallway, and he staggers back to bed.    Epilogue:  He was awful sore about the whole frog incident for over 7 years.  Eventually he came to see the humor of the situation.  I guess if somebody'd put a live frog in my underwear while I was passed out drunk, I'd get sorta bent about it too.  I STILL laugh about that whole situation.      
  me:  they don't always hate you.    her:  but they sure seem like it.  me: right... because a lot of them just don't like you.   her:  so why don't they like me?  me:  because they don't understand you.   her:  i can't figure out why.  why don't people understand me?  me: because you never tell them the truth.  WHY CAN'T YOU TELL PEOPLE THE FUCKING TRUTH!?  DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO BE YOUR FRIEND--TO EVEN KNOW YOU!?  her: why are you yelling? this is a daydream. finish your daiquiri.  me: oh... yeah. I forgot.  look!  a unicorn!   
  I just got done sucking a guy off and instead of going into the bathroom to brush my cummy teeth, I am sitting here, smoking a cig...reading lowbrow moments.   Yes, I really do need to get my priorities straight.  
  Headline read: U.S. Prisons Hit 2 Million  I wonder if that 2 millionth prisoner was offered a deluxe  cell, with color T.V. and a Lay-Z-Boy recliner?       
  I am in France with my girlfriend. I'm 20 yrs. old and don't know shit about a wine. We were both ordering fish. I ordered a "Sauternes" though I meant to order a Sancerre.  One would have hoped that the waiter would give a heads-up, but the smarmy fucker just choked with laughter and let us drink the sickly-sweet stuff with our meal.    
  I had just finished working out, went to the locker room and went to take a shower.  When I walked past one set of showers I seem to have caught the eye of a skeezy older locker room lurker.  He followed me into the other set of showers and although the room was empty, he decided that the shower right next to me looked good.  He also decided that leering at my wet self was better than staring at the wall.  Flattering as this may be, I hate that sort of thing.  It's disrespectful, and I hate guys that think that being gay is a license to be a fucking pig.  I was pissed off.  I rinsed off and escaped as quickly as possible.  Not because I was uncomfortable.  Not because I was pissed off.  I was both of these things.  Despite my complete distain for this behavior and my lack of mutual attraction - the whole thing started turning me on!  To my complete amazement, my cock began to thicken and I thought it best to just go.  You cant take the moral high road with a hardon.  Strange stuff.  
  I did it again!  I invited these two guys over, smoked a blunt with them, then gave them each head.  Which means two things:   1.  I just inadvertently paid for that blunt with my mouth.  2.  I used to think they actually just came over for a place to smoke.   Ouch.  This being the third time this has happened with the same guys...I think the second thing just became even more lowbrow than the first.  
  It's kind of sad that my circle of family and friends is so fucked up and dysfunctional that I can't set the spam filters on my to screen out words like "teen", "slut", "bitch", "animal sex", "XxX", "Stigmata", "Perversion", "dungeon", "your mother is a filthy cock sucking n****r whore", etc....   I just *might* miss a message from someone important...        .......in accordance with the prophecy....  
  She says, "You never pay any attention."  I say, "If something is important, I pay attention...  What were you saying?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few of us got together and spent a few days in my friends home town. We stayed at his parents place and went to the local dive.  We all got really shitfaced and went back to his place to crash.  A couple of us were thrown into his sisters room to sleep, since she was away for the weekend.  I awoke with a start the next morning and fell off the bed.  I was still drunk and the slightest movement made me want to puke. The room was truly rocking and spining.  I crawled around a bit but could not get back up into the bed.  I found a pile of dirty laundry and passed out in it.  Again I woke up and found I was using a pair of dirty panties as a pillow.  Nobody else in the room had woken up yet though, so...  I picked up the panties and took a deep whiff.  I actually went 'Ahhhh!' and then got up to face my incredible hangover.          
  We stole a manhole cover, and deposited it in the same parking lot where we ate the meal from the open late fast food joint, at which we amused the late  shifters with the antics of Heather the blow up doll.   Sadly, this was the most fun I have had in many much time.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met a gorgegous girl tonight she was cool now we're at a bar called the Site and I'm acting like a fool because i wanna have a chance put she's putting fuss saying if you want me for romance you have to want Jesus   
  i just realized that the stalls in the bathroom at my school are named "hiny hiders" and theyre made in Scranton, PA  
  drinking+ganja+thick gray clay= fun shit  i probably still have the clay in my ears.  it was my idea, i admit. cover ourselves in clay, head to toe, and pretend we were in Zulu.  In retrospect it seems pretty stupid. but at the time being, i assure you, it was fucking insane. nothing beats throwing large rocks at your friends, scaring hicks driving by, and being a tribesman on a tuesday.  cameron sculpted two clay dildos and mounted them on his shoulder and proceeded to suck em off.  i wish i had more pictures left in my camera for that one.  
  I had a coat to keep warm but he had nothing, so he ripped down the curtains and wrapped himself in them.  
  I'm not sure if puting a Windows XP decal on the toilet at work is a shot at cheap laughs, or a cry for help.  
   Checkout Girl #40  Cute as all-get-out, as usual. And this one is friendly from the get-go, too. She, brightly: "How are you today?" Me: "Eh, you really don't want to know." She stops scanning my stuff and looks at me seriously: "Yes, I do!. Listen -- you come in here a lot, and you see me! I'm stuck here all day in this dumb job, and it's nice to have a real conversation once in a while!" What a wonderful invitation to flirt, which I normally love to do. However... Me: "OK, since you insist. Can you spell I-M-O-D-I-U-M?"* She: "I-M-O-D...  Ooh! . How long?" Me: "Three days, and counting..." She gave me such a wonderful, sympathetic look as I left, while simultaneously wrinkling her nose and wondering what that ...  --------- *Very, VERY strong diaharrea (?) medicine.  
  so ive seen some posts about DARE and shit. My DARE "officer" was probably one of the heaviest drinkers on the illustrious Webster Groves police force. After seeing him getting absolutely bombed at my parents christmas party i really couldnt take anything he ever said seriously. i guess thats why its 6pm on a monday and im shitfaced. thank you, Mike Nelson.   
  Putting together a collection of just about every Nintendo game ever made for my emulator, so I could have something to do while eating cheez-its and drinking generic orange soda.        
  I'm usually not so bad bowling, but one night my friends and I went out, and I was lacking sleep.  I overran the unwaxed floor and slipped backwards, landing on my back with one foot in the gutter, the other foot on the lane, and the bowling ball flew backwards and landed in our pizza.  We don't go night bowling much anymore.  
  When I was on SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) I couldn't get hard, but there was more than enough pussy coming my way.  Now I'm on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics - but I can get hard, no problem.   I haven't gotten laid in so long that I look forward to falling asleep, just in case I have a dream about sex.  
  When you have no job, and you have underwear that is 5-10 years old, and it's really comfortable, you end up wearing that ancient underwear all day, every day. You might notice that there is a big hole in the back where your ass goes, but you don't care, since they're comfortable. And you like to be comfortable when you do nothing but watch TV, jerk off to internet porn and smoke chiba.  Occasionally, however, even I am disgusted by how cobweb-like a particular pair as gotten, and I tear it to pieces and throw it away. Eventually, all my really old, comfortable underwear will be in pieces in some landfill somewhere.  And I will have to start wearing boxers.  
  In retrospect, it really was one of my more cavalier moments in my life. Ryan and I making out on his bed as I tried to ignore an ambiguous lump rubbing suggestivly on my thigh. So I let my body go on autopilot then, allowing it to maintain its position and to defnditself against any further advances. I began to think...   If I get up and leave now, he'll be able to keep his idea of my naivete, and move on with his life, provided I leave and say "This is just.. not...right." I can stay longer, and you KNOW where he's headed. Dammit, can he stop that! Ih! Get AWAY from my halter-string! Now!! NOW!! That's probably what he wants, and I did kind of screw his life up royally for a period of time. No, Kim. You don't owe him anything. He has issues. He's a child of divorce, he's angsty, he's a pothead. He's also newly thinner. Damn. No, Kim, don't let your love for skinny guys get the best of you. Just ease your way out of here.  OK so, his hands kept wandering and I kept thinking, so finally the part of my conscience that just tells the "good" and the "bad" sides to shut the hell up, finally screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE. Ask questions later." SO as he rolled over on his back and I ended up on his lap, I began to set him up for pain and confusion. One last kiss, a good one, and just as his hands moved j.u.s.t. far enough for me to get up and have him not hold me back, I got up, powerwalked past his bedroom door, down the stairs, and as I slipped my shoes on as i stood on his welcome mat, I silently cursed my asian-by-proxy habit of leaving my shoes at the door. I empathized and heard his silence confusion, melted by boiling anger, deep pain, and self-hatred. I wanted to look back, but it reminded me of that bible story where some chic looks behind her and turns into stone. So I didn't, I opened his door and walked the mile home.   About 18 steps from his place, I felt a pang of "why didn't you say goodbye?". Which was washed away by the conflicting thought of, "Damn. I left my cocktail umbrellas and hairpins at his father's desk."  A week later, I felt a feel that resembled love, but it really wasn't. It was just  angst. Bygones.  He no longer talks to me at all. He covers up his pain and tries to escape it by absorbing himself with   another girl. But I hurt you first. Nyanya nyaaaaa   nyaa nyaaa nya. Cocksucker. I hope she gives you vaginal warts, take that Ryan.  If he ever invites me over again, I might go.  
  a friend and i spent about a good hour in a krystals last night at about 12 or 1 in the morning debating on whether or not we could grab their "caution wet floor" sign and make it to the car before they caught us  
   Into Thick Air  Hitchhiking around Scotland on my own, I joined up with a bunch of Americans toting their inevitable, unenviable 60lb backpacks.  We stayed at the Glen Nevis Youth Hostel, in the imposing shadow of Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in Britain.  4,409 feet doesn't seem like much of a mountain, but it shoots straight up to that height from sea level.  After 3 hours of climbing, with the air going thin and us already past the treeline and into the clouds, it certainly seemed like a mountain.  We were just starting to get impressed with our effort when we were suddenly overtaken by a guy in running shorts  An hour later, with us still two hours from the top, he passed us on his return trip.  Finally at the top, standing at the edge of a sheer, 2,000 foot cliff, we managed to forget about the runner and congratulate ourselves.  Is when a hand appeared over the top of the cliff, followed by a guy who sat down and anchored his rope for his three buddies to climb with.  They coiled their rope, packed up their equipment, and headed down the path, running.  What was left of our pride vanished when we next found the Ford T that somebody had driven up to the top in 1923...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The coco always starts off the same.  Its hot and sweet and just downright tasty.  Give it 30 minutes and chocolate powder separates from the water.  By the time you get to the last 3 drinks, there is a nice sludge at the bottom of the cup.  Why don't they just sell the sludge?        
  i hadn't showered in six days (i'm lazy) and went to work commando with only a thin layer of dress slacks separating my junk from the air out there.  when the stupid ex-jock coworker came to dump a pile of work on me, he leaned over to show me a certain paragraph i needed to rewrite. he got a whiff of my balls, big time.  it'll be a long time before i forget the look on his face--nose crinkling, eyes beginning to water.  UPDATE!  my balls are now clean *sniff* ahhhhh  
  My girlfriend starting to give me head (after telling me "if you cum in my mouth, I will fucking kill you"), and then spitting me out and telling me to go scrub my cock with soap.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When my girlfriend broke up with me via proxy on Valentine's Day, that sucked.     For sleeping with other people when we firmly established an open, long distance relationship, that sucked more.     When I was hanging out with her roommate at their house afterwards, and they were out of toliet paper, that sucked the most.     When I used her scrunchie to wipe my urine covered pussy, and returned it to it's original location on the counter, that fucking ruled.  
  So, my boyfriend and I of 3 years breaks up. He comes over to talk and to collect his things. He comes over, and we don't talk; we fuck and, afterwards, we don't talk; in the morning when we wake up, we don't talk. I give him a poster I got for him before we parted ways, and he leaves. We don't talk.   About 45 minutes later, he calls me up. He's stranded on the highway with a flat tire, and the tire iron he uses to fix it breaks on him. I laugh silently to myself. Karma, I thought. Today is shaping up to be a pretty swell day.  
   Was 'babysitting' friend's much beloved, fat little ball of shit hamster. Not liking the little fucker very much after he bit me, I put him in a cardboard box, and left him there. Am cat person, anyway. Have absolutely no use for mean fat hamsters.   Went to check on Fatass, and found hole in side of box and no hamster. Shitshithsithsitsht. Visions of said friend killing me run through head. Look frantically through house for fatassed rodent, and find mangled carcass next to cat's litterbox. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. How am I going to get outta this one?  Went to pet store. Bought almost identical hamster. Felt proud and happy, as 2nd hamster not as bitchy as first. Fat little fuck. Somehow forgot to check if sex of said 2nd hamster was male as was the old one. Friend returns, picks up her beloved 'Twinkie' and leaves. Next morning, still hungover, get frantic call that Twinkie has eaten it's new cagemate. Suspicious silence, and then...'Twinkie isn't a girl, Lea.' Pause. 'What the fuck did you do with my hamster?!'  In desperation, scream first thing that came to mind. 'I shoved him up my ass!'  Friend now avoids me at all costs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i had a dream that kevin smith (clerks,mallrats,chasing amy,dogma,jay and silent bob strike back) stumbled upon this site and proceeded to make a movie out of the best moments. it won every award there was.  
  black bosses don't like it when their white employees tell them to "Suck my salty chocolate balls".  Trust me.  
  2am, my gay male friend tells me "you suck cock like a girl.  it was good, though, for a girl."     "well", i respond, mostly joking, "why don't you teach me how to do it better, instead of lording it over me all the time!" and he leaves.     i pause, breaking away from the computer and the paper due in less than 8 hours.    he has just returned with a smile and a banana.  
  I plan to fulfill all of my sexual fantasies by the time I'm 25...just to make sure I don't get too "mature" or decide they're bad ideas.  In my years of college I've taken Tae Kwon do and fencing, made a suit of chain mail, been Editor-in-Chief of our newspaper, and an officer in our Society for Creative Anachronism.  But what am I going to remember in 20 years? Taking it up the ass while deep throating someone else.  Ahh...memories. :)  
  Telemarketers had been calling all day to lure my brother in with whatever the hell it was that they were selling. Every time they called, I politely answered in the negative. Well, the last call of the day, it seemed, was kind of unnerving.  "Hello, is blah blah there" "Nope," is all I reply "Nope," mocks the telemarketer guy. Click.  It kind of took me by surprise. Aren't the prospective customers supposed to be bitchy to the telemarketers?  
  I see a future where, when applying for jobs and filling out forms there will be a box to tick under addictions with lowbrow beside it.  
  looking down from his bar stool a the two young turks, the elderly genelman spoke.  'I know what you mean.  The other day, I ment to say "Honey, could you pass me the jam?", when instead I yelled "You f***ing b***h!  You're sucking the life blood outta me!"'.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once I knew some buddy's that worked at an auto parts store.  It was always really windy there in the shopping center.  It wasn't a very rare sight to see shopping carts being pushed by the wind full speed out onto the road and down the street.  One day I guess something blew pretty hard and smashed out one of the windows in the front of the store.  They swept up all the glass and put Caution tape around the area.  Well a friend and I thought it would be pretty funny to run down to the store and buy some chalk and make a body outline in the taped off area.  I heard different stories for months about how the place got, "sprayed".  
  I'm out in the Hamptons (Long Island - NY) my grand parents have been given ue of their accounts summer home for 2 weeks.  My family has never been to the Hamptons, we are not 'Hamptons' material.  Anyway, we arrive at the house early sunday, My grandparents aren't there (church), we head around back to the pool, my brother & I get in, my Dad cracks a beer from the cooler we brought.  I need to use the bathroom, so I exit the pool enter the back door (dripping wet)...wow that sounded bad...anyway...I notice 2 people sleeping on the couch..I don't know them...and they are naked.  this is the wrong house....  We all run like hell. I wonder what they thought of the wet footprints, crushed beer cans and dog poop.  Oh yea, my dog pooped on the deck.  I told you we weren't Hamptons material ~Braedan  
  I wanted to show the boyfriend this battery powered singing doll my mom had at her house.  I asked her where some batteries were, so I could show him.  "Upstairs, in the drawer by my bed."  Knowing my mother has three vibrators is too much for me.  
  A tale of drunken evil:  I and a female coworker who were good friends (but nothing more) decide that she and her roommate and I are going to go out and get completely boofy blitzed one night. So I show up at her house, we do a little warmup drinking there, and Michelle (the friend) and Vicky (her hot-but-dumber-than-a-sackful-of-hammers-and-FAR-more-annoying roommate) and I all head out in Michelle's car to go get all fuckered up.  We do, in fact, get all fuckered up. During the proceedings, Vicky starts doing a truly abominable job of dirty-dancing with some greaser she meets at the bar. (Vicky had a boyfriend who was not present - and a habit of picking guys up at bars.) Michelle and I do some loud commenting about her poor technique, and finally wind up deciding that we just need to get up there and show her how it's done.  copious quantities of alcohol + deliberately dancing as erotically as possible = foreshadowing  So when we finally wind up back at Michelle's place after disappointing Vicky (and the greaser) by dropping the greaser off instead of bringing him back to the apartment, we decide that I'm WAY too damn drunk to drive home (true) and that I should spend the night there (pretty much was planning on it anyway) and what the hell, we're good enough friends to share a bed.  Remember that "foreshadowing" comment earlier? Mmmm hmm. Possibly thinking that we were going to sleep together as "just friends" after all that alcohol and a couple hours of doing our damndest to show somebody how to REALLY grind on your partner on the dance floor was ... er ... well, let's just say we didn't necessarily follow the logic all the way through.  After we started fucking up and turning friendly hugs into REALLY friendly stuff, she stops me and says she's on her period.  *I* didn't care if she didn't care. *She* didn't care if I didn't care.  We didn't care.  So, the next morning rolls around, and bright bright bright hellish sunshine wakes me as it attempts to evaporate the flesh from my body after forcing its way cheerfully through the curtains... groan, groan, head hurts, dehydrated, you know the drill... finally we mutually decide that if we have to be subjected to all that fucking sunshine anyway we might as well get up and rehydrate, so I lift the sheet to get out of bed and startledly exclaim "good god, it looks like it was the murder weapon!"  Michelle has forevermore been known to me and one other close RL friend of ours who knew the story as "Murder Was The Case."  So anyway, after noting that and going in the bathroom to clean off the murder weapon, we wind up in the living room, sitting on the floor with our backs against the couch, drinking iced tea and blearily watching TV.  Michelle fetches a bag of salt-and-vinegar chips. We add munching to the activity list.   Vicky shows up, adds herself to the potato chip rotation, and very quickly REMOVES us from the potato chip rotation. Rude little slut.  Right after Michelle and I exchange disgusted looks about how Vicky's being careful to keep the bag out of anybody else's reach, I reach for my tea glass...   ... and notice that while I washed off the murder weapon itself with a washrag earlier, I - quite, quite visibly - HAD FORGOTTEN TO WASH MY DAMN HANDS.  Now, *I* didn't really care, truth be told... hell, I got my red wings a long time ago anyway; while it wasn't something I would have done DELIBERATELY, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it either. I was kinda worried about Michelle's reaction though. Wide-eyed, I motion for a whispered conference, and we come to the quiet conclusion that she isn't really all that worried about it either, fuck it, it was her anyway.  Then we simultaneously turn to look at Vicky the slutty little potato chip Bogart, who is still contentedly wolfing down the bag of chips we'd eaten half of before she showed up.  We looked just as slowly back at each other, smiled, nodded, and said not a word... not even when Vicky turned up the bag to suck out every last bit of the crumbs a few minutes later.  
  Being clever never got anyone laid. It only works if you don't think about it.  Kind of like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man.  
  one night, me and some friends jumped into brian's mom's minivan, and we drove around bored.   we'd pull over on the side of the road, point a container of dash-polish at passing cars, and then speed off after then, pretending we were cops.   it worked one time, but then we got bored and decided to go "off-roading"  which actually meant driving around some pot-hole ridden muddy road behind denny's.   in a minivan.     so we go "off-roading" and are sorta having fun for a few seconds before someone says "oh shit a cop" and brian, in his infinite potsmoker-lifestyle-induced paranoia of the boys in blue, slams the van into reverse to turn around and get the fuck away.   despite everyone screaming STOP  we speed backwards at full-tilt, right into a parked semi trailer.   brian: expletive  we try to get away, and now the cop has his lights on, so we stop just as we were about to get onto a real road and make some feeble get away.  the cop walks up as brian rolls down the window  cop: "i think you mighta hit something back there..."  no shit sherlock, the damage is fucking obvious. 5K worth.   "what did you think you were doing?"  brian, in a classic potsmoker-in-the-blueredlights: "well, officer, i didn't have any paper. i was gonna go and find some paper to leave a note."  that's brian, sober even.   and i couldn't stop laughing at the irony of getting fucked with by cops, right after fucking with people by pretending to be cops.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I still cringe everytime I remember my mother asking me "Did he touch your boobies?"    such an innocent word. I mean, there are far more dirtier words to refer to breasts... but this is the only one of them that truely makes me feel dirty, to the extent of sickness.   It upsets me even more so because she would ask it about every male that I came into contact with, thus giving me an immediate and well-rooted distrusting nature towards men....  and I used to wonder where it came from..  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roomies don't know this but i have a secret bar of soap all to myself and i use the one in the bathroom exclusively to wash my asscrack i get a lot of stuff out of there too  
  Annoyance.  Canadian Tire now has all of their drill bits and allen key heads in glass cases, and the guy who opens them takes them to the counter for me.  Which means I actually have to pay for this fucking $6 metal lump, as opposed to "borrowing" it.  Good thing safeway doesn't put their saline nasal sprays behind the counter, because there is no fucking way i'm paying $4 for some water and salt  
  Dead Bunnies Haiku # 6:  Dead bunnies in my soup. Waiter apologizes. I get free salad!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From the information I've gleaned from the other attendees at my bachelor party, after my early exit (passed out from drunkenness), the stripper was adept at picking dollar bills out from between a guy's teeth with her, er, nether region!  One guy, who was obviously hard up, folded up his bill to about the size of a dime, then as she proceeded to squat over him to retrieve her bonus, he got hisself a little taste of, well, y'know!   Funny thing, the wife worked at a doctor's office shortly afterward, and she saw the aforementioned stripper in there one day.  She asked the nurse what she was in for.  Come to find out she had some, er, feminine problems.  An infection.  When the doctor started poking around in there, he retrieved a $20 bill!  It looked like it had been in there for a while!  
  the venerated grey beard told me this once and i took it to heart quote if you never broke nothin you never did nothin end quote several trips to the er later he informs me quote i didnt mean body parts end quote now he tells me        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to pee but was reading the absorbing moments of others. Then I read how someone else peed bc of the same thing. I walked down the hall to the bathroom. I still posted it, though.  Pretty lowbrow.  
  He fucked me way too hard.  After I asked if he had any ice.  He rummaged through his small ice box.  No he didn't.  But he could offer me a frozen snickers bar instead.  My fault for dating a college student.  
  The first time I ever saw karaoke was at the Rickshaw and a mulleted, janitor-type guy with a big key-ring on his belt stomped around YELLING "War Pigs" at all of the people eating Chinese food.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We are easily amused. Perhaps it is the marijuana, but we can laugh about Mike from Real World New York II's stripey midwest clothing for hours.  Also Leif Garrett Behind the Music, our nasty facelifted ex boss, and Arnold Schwarzenegger crank call tapes. Someone should take away the fucking trust fund.  
  a friend told me he had wanked off in a raw squid tube.  money to burn eh?  
  One of my Fav jokes you can play at any party! Especially if you do not like the people at the party.  I was at a party in college and it was fall, so everyone had "warm" clothing on and shit like that. So I look at my buddy and I go "watch this". I slowly walk over to the thermostat and crank that bitch as high as it can go, then I walk away. I am standing there drinking a beer and watching everyone get slowly uncomfortable. First articles of clothing are coming off and then you see people actually start to sweat. After about an hour everyone starts bitching to the hippies who own this dump. It takes them about 20 minutes to figure out that someone turned the heat up all the way. I have never seen a "peace loving dead head" so mad!  It is worth the laugh if your patient.  
  I've spent many,many afternoons making love to my best friend's wife, and many, many of those same evenings having dinner with the two of them, plus my wife.  I'm going to hell and I don't want to stop.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         3 days ago i was drinking ice water and sneezed as i took a sip, there was a little snot floating in it so i set the glass down.    I just got really thirsty so i spent 5 minutes trying to angle the cup so i wouldnt drink the snot  
  "how about this mole?" i said to my doctor.  "would it be a big deal to remove it?"  "no, i'll refer you to a dermatologist." he said, examining the     raised brown dot on my breast.   "good, maybe i'll get around to that this month." i told him.   he looked again and said "it's almost like an accessory nipple."  "CUT IT OFF!! JUST LOP IT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!"    funny how the words "accessory nipple" can ruin your whole self-image.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Grocery clerk entry #5: Yesterday a woman came to my register that looked like she was wearing a hemp choker necklace.  I later noticed that it didn't gop all the way around her neck, but only in the front.  It was a scab and it looked as if her throat had been cut or she had tried to hang herself.  I found out from another employee that she had been walking down the aisles laughing out loud near hysterics when she was alone. I have to get another job.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she loves my kitten  when she was gone, i took the kitten into her room and cuddled with it on her bed  her new boyfriend, she has told me, is very allergic to cats.        
   I went out for sushi with this 45 year old married guy because I felt sorry for him I think, or actually, more cause I felt sorry for myself, here, unmarried, living with this guy for four years and selling lawn care to little old ladies and anyone else who doesn't hang up the phone on me.    I turned 26 last month and I don't know what to be when I grow up.  I am seriously considering becoming a nun.  Or joining the Circus. Except that I heard today that they closed Clown College, so I guess I'll be a nun.  I really like sushi.       
  Her name was Jenni.  Blonde. Blue eyes.  Pretty.    I was 21.  I took her to dinner at a fine seafood place.  She killed a bottle and a half of champagne and some crustaceans.    We got back in my new convertible.  She spewed rancid upchuck all over the side.  It was 1:00 in the morning.  I had to clean it.  She didn't have the grace to apologise.  
  I work at a hotel that could be called Fawlty Towers. I work in banquets. I went into a closet to look for wine glasses in the kitchen. I found instead a blow-up sheep fuckdoll.  
  After reading the pizza man's brow about a yuppie bitch, I felt compelled to heavily tip all pizza men from now on. I'm son of yuppie, and I don't want to get lumped in with rest of those who share my demographic.   However everytime I tip a pizzaman something goes wrong. Like I drop the pizza while I'm handing him the money. Or I walk into a door. Or I drop some coins and they roll down the front steps.  Clearly Superman hates pizza delivery boys.  
  My then girlfriend and I had lost track of time fooling around when my father arrived to pick me up.  "Your dad is here!" her father called from downstairs.  "Coming!" I replied from her room, and I was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today, while eating my breakfast (I'm not sure which is stranger: that I had a hamburger and Pepsi for breakfast, or the fact that I was actually awake at 8:30 AM to eat it, after being up using my computer since 1 AM), I watched my mum's diabetic cat eat his special canned high-protein diabetic-cat food (he'd been eating almost exclusively dry Science Diet for the last 11 years of his life or so, and subsequently gotten really fat, which probably contributed to his pancreatitis, which left him with diabetes; I had to give him insulin shots twice a day for some weeks when my mum went in hospital for an operation). I had never actually seen this kind of canned cat food before.  The first thing I thought when I saw it was something along the lines of, "That stuff probably looks the same coming up as it does coming down." It seriously looked like cat barf, and after he'd eaten most of it, he made sneezing-like noises, like 4 or 5 in a row. I thought he was going to barf again, but he hasn't yet.  
  Lord Help Me.  I'm one of the six billion rats on Earth, running around furiously trying to save its pathetic little life, rustling up dust and feeding on the decaying carcasses of older rats. I liked it better when I was one of five billion  
  not my moment, but I really wish it was.  A good friend of mine related a story to me last weekend that was too good not to put on here.  Apparently when he was younger, he was a hellish kid to babysit.  For some reason, they had one of his uncle's golf clubs in the basement.  It was accompanied by one chipped golf ball (which had sharp corners on the chipped part).  So he was in the basement, and the babysitter was upstairs.  What does he decide to do but hit the golf ball around the room.  First swing and BANG!  He hits this can in the corner.  Second hit, and he hears a sound like a bottle of pop being opened.  Discovers that the can is spraying white foam everywhere.  So he picks it up, and in the process sprays it all over the family's new computer.  The contents of the can?  Acid.  Melted the computer, monitor, keyboard, and any other unfortunate piece of equipment that just happened to be hanging out on the computer desk.  Why didn't my parents keep acid in cans in the basement?  
  What the hell is with these PETA people?  Did children stop starving, and I didn't hear about it? Has violence towards women ceased to be a concern? Did we all start loving each other while I was in the head?  In short, might we consider letting the animals mind themselves for a short time while we clean up our own shit?  
  so last night, after several hours in front of the computer... i noticed that there were many nickles scattered across my desk.    sweet!  that's snack food money.  i gather up about 40 nickles and head downstairs to the vending machines  in the same room as the vending machines is a giant TV with some sofas in front... usually the room is empty but tonight there were about 10 guys watching TV in the dark.  i had already walked in so i sure as hell couldn't turn around and walk away... so *plink*  *plink*  *plink* in goes nickel after nickel after nickel into the soda machine.  my face was turning beet red, and the whole time i was pumping nickels into the soda machine, not a single noise came from any of the guys in the room.  i booked it out of there, embarassed as hell, and confused as hell.  I was WAY more embarassed just then than, say, the first time i got naked up onstage for a bondage show, in front of a club full of goths.  go figure.  
  On my most recent birthday, I celebrated by calling a friend, going to Ikea, and getting a Filet-O-Fish at the suburban drive-thru on the way.  Normally, I throw really excellent parties.  No, really.  
  One day I said, "You, know suck may cock."   This manifested itself. But to be honest it's run it's course.   Still, the point is nevertheless a good one:  "Dance suck cock my arse load of bollocks."  It's sentiments like this that make my world what it is. Utterly, splendid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was about 11 I played in a local biddy basketball league.  There was a guy on another team that used to get so nervous he would throw up on the court.  We used to call him "Ronnie the Puker."    Over the years, I'd see him around town ocassionally.  I always would think "there goes Ronnie the Puker."  The other day he won a four million dollar lottery.  I still think of him as Ronnie the Puker, but it's not as funny anymore.  
    My mother just brought to my dorm half a case of good wine and a bottle of grey goose and a chicken after I told her that I had been drinking cheap beer and eating fast food with my friends.     "Maybe this will teach them some culture" -she said.    I love my Mom.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't know what made her lose interest. Maybe it was guilt. Or self-conciousness. But "No" seemed to mean "No", as she said she didn't "want to" and started putting her socks and knickers back on. So being a male, my reflexive response was "Errr well does that mean a blowjob is out of the question?"    
  I'm on vacation with my family in a large American city about 10 years ago.  This trip ended up being one of the first times I realized how screwed up this country could be.  The leg of the trip I remember the best was walking through what could only be described as a ghetto.  Having never been in the city (save for the cheery parts of San Francisco, which don't quite count), this came as somewhat of a shock.  Rusty fire escapes on the sides of dingy, disheveled buildings, broken windows, peeling paint, trash, an odor that could only be described as funky, dented dumpsters, the whole nine yards.  We turned the corner and went into the building enclosing the Liberty Bell.  If the area surrounding one of the nation's prime symbols is as bad as this, what does it say about the way things are run?  
  I broke up with a girl once with the following line:  "I can't see you anymore, you're cutting in on my drinking."  It worked.   
  nursing a cold sore i saw his lip with the same oozy mess whats up with your lip says me to he ah well thats a long story that starts off with her exboyfriend and ends with a case of fat lip he wouldnt elaborate        
  people say I look like my dad  I am forced to reply that I do not look like a fat middel aged balding man who lives with his parents and has emotional issuse because his wife devorced him.  then i laugh hystarically because he's standing next to me.  im such a bitch   
  limbo sez:  "Every woman, everywhere, knows (down to the square inch), exactly how much flesh and underwear they have showing, from any angle, at any time. "   Lowbrow moment? The distinct feeling of disappointment I felt upon reading that.   Although I've known girls who definitely just aren't up to the task of keeping track of what's showing at all times. Phew! I can still be a happy pervert.   
  Over the course of 3 years' employment writing other people's term papers, I have managed to use the word "ghettoization" in at least 75% of my work.  In college entrance essays.  In nursing papers.  In human resources management theses (oh yes, at least twice).  No one has ever noticed, and I am not surprised.  Still gives me a little thrill, though.  
  Trainer put me on a high protein diet. My arse is doing morse code. Every step, different signal. Bastard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a sophomore in high school, my dad found out I had smoked weed.  He was pissed, to say the least.  The summer after my junior year, my family went on vacation to Hawaii.  One night, I walked into the kitchen of the house we were staying at to say goodnight to him.  It's completely dark, but my dad was standing next to the stove trying to light it.  "What are you doing, Dad? Trying to cook something?"  He giggled and said no.  "Uh, okay, then goodnight."  I was halfway out through the dining room when I hear him calling me back.  I come back in and he's got the fridge open just enough so the light's on and I can see he has a joint in his hand.  He's grinning almost maniacally and looks at it, looks at me, looks back at it.    "No thanks, Dad, I'm cool."  I don't know what bothered me more.  The fact that he offered me pot, or that he was giddy at the idea of getting high with a teenager.  He's never reprimanded me for drinking or smoking since.  
  I like to listen to classical music and film scores.  It really gives it that "epic" feel when you masturbate.  
  "GET RICH QUICK"  is hard  "GET BANKRUPT QUICK"  is not only more absolute, but also rebellious and unique and shocking  so don't pierce your nose      
  In elementary school they let us color with these scented markers.  One day my friend and I decided to lick them to see if they tasted good too.  They did.  They were damn good.  The cinnamon was my favorite.  It left a nice dark brown streak on my tongue for the rest of the day.  My friend's favorite was cherry so she didn't look nearly as stupid as I did. Oh well, it did taste good. Oh yeah, and we licked glue sticks too.  The purple ones were the best. (Come on, we all know you did it too.)  
  The man just stood there. he just stood there, motionless, and looking straight ahead as if his eyes were glued on something he saw accross the room.  I was going to go over and ask him what he was looking at that was so interesting over there, but when i started to approach him, the sales clerk came up to me and informed me that the clothes on the mannequin were not for sale.  
  i win.  last week i woke up at daves and lit a smoke.  without thinking i reached down to take a slug of a 20 oz coke from last night.  a mouth full of soggy cigarette butts.  but who hasn't had this happen?    at least i had the sense to race to the kitchen and spew in his trash.  good boy.  
  We once had this cousin with a speech impediment. Whenever he said any word starting with a t-, th-, or tr-, it would come out sounding like f-.  We used to watch trucks go by. Then we'd laugh like idiots.   
  Christmas ---------  My family is fucked  when I go home it's like a Tennesse Williams Play  my aunt bats her eyes at a husband - not her own  my other aunt, the wife, goes ape  punchbowl breaks on the floor as their fight moves to the table  I used to hide behind the couch now I'm grown, too big to hide  so I sit there  and try to find some humor  but there is none;  I share their DNA  
  My younger sister had just gotten back from a year abroad, during which she had turned 21.  I took her out to a bar with a bunch of my friends to get her drunk.  We all got pretty loaded, and so we of course decided to hit a club. I got myself and my sister so drunk that I lost her.  That's right, I lost her.  As in I did not find her that night, even though I was standing right next to the door as the club emptied at 2.  Turns out she must have passed out somewhere inside the club, I guess behind something becuase about 5 of us scoured the entire place.    Luckily for her, some staff member must have found her, and looked in her wallet for her name and to see if she had any money for a cab.  She didn't, and as she was incoherent I assume, they called her a cab and gave the cabbie money to drive her 40 something miles home to Tacoma.  Sometimes I still kinda miss Seattle.  
  fatkid is sitting down, watching disney as all days before. he's eating gogurt... "this is good" "its almost 40%fat" "but its good" "thats right fatass, suck that tube."  
  3 mixed drink and 2 shots into a party I needed my official 'good night' cigarette and found my pack and a lighter and danced my way to the back porch.   Lighting my best friends first I handed that to him and then I continued to light my own next as always. Slight issues arouse here and I tried 4 times to light this cigarette. Thinking something was deficiant I pulled out another to have the same problem. Handing it to my friend I discovered I was lighting the filter both times.  It was by luck I lit the right end of his.   Pure luck.   
  "how can you expect me to not get high, when you spend all of your food money on dope!"  ~~ Wise words from Nolan.  
  So I coined a new phrase...  you know how toilet paper sticks to your dick when it's wet?   That's "penis mach "  
   Excuse me, I m looking for a book on Karma Sutra.   My eyebrows arch as my gaze rises to hers. She s tall, no less than six feet, and definitely qualifies for our senior citizen discount. Her appearance is very conservative, with an oversized gold broach pinned to her high-necked bright red dress. Makeup cakes her face and reminds me of my own grandmother. She sports a blond perm.  My eyes drop, suddenly embarrassed, to her stocking wrapped feet crammed in her high-heeled shoes.  Um, are you sure? I mean, do you know what Karma Sutra is?   An emphatic  Oh, yes!  raises my gaze to hers.  It s wonderful what they do in those books. It really can change your life.    The corners of my mouth tense in a suppressed smile.  Ok... uh... well follow me, please.   Back of the store, high up on the top shelf of our  Relationships  section and immediately next to the watchful eyes of our cash wrap, my hand quickly snatches a black leather book unidentifiable except for the gold-lettered   Karma Sutra  printed on the spine.  I pass it to her, again avoiding her gaze.  Ok, thank you very much, let me just... OH MY LORD. THIS ISN T...  The book drops from her hands.  I bend over, snatching it up quickly as my stomach twists in suppressed mirth.  Uh, yeah,  I stammer.  I didn t think... I mean, just what were you... uh... looking for?   She catches herself and closes her gaping mouth, staring at me.  The furniture! The thing where they arrange furniture so you earn more money!    I can bear it no longer. My mouth erupts in a furry of deep-bellied chuckles.  Oh, you mean Feng Shui.  I throw my head back now unwilling to control my laughter. When I finally stop and look down, her back is toward me and she is marching out the door.  Ma am!  I say.  We have a variety...   She is no longer in earshot. I collapse against the bookshelf and continue my well-deserved moment of delight.  
  Kelly and I used to live in a shitty little two-bedroom apartment near the center of Santa Fe. Milan moved in, and Kelly took the basement as his room.  The landlord was trying to sell the place, so there was  no  way that he was going to sink one cent into that place, no matter what went wrong with it.  When he finally sold it and kicked us out, we deliberated about what to do. For the last few months, ever since the rainy season, the living room had been the receptacle of a permanent leak: the carpet was soaked, the carpet pad was worse, and the whole place stank like mildew and rot. Not that this had really curtailed any of our normal activities however. But it was still pretty gross.  The last day we all took turns pissing in the living room. Pissing on the walls. Pissing in the fireplace. Pissing on the already soaked carpet. Pissing, pissing, pissing. Gallons of urine to go with the shit we had put up with.   I assume that the landlord had to completely redo the property before he gave up possession, so it probably made no difference at all in the long run. But whew! What fun to write your name in the carpet of your apartment with your piss...  
  I caught the dean of the honors college pouring his can of coke out into a plant yesterday. When he saw me looking, he muttered, "Fertilizer," and wandered off. It was a plastic plant. ~puck~  
  you know people are really lame and reading way too much into the simplest shit when they a assume the shite i write is poetry instead of being too fucking lazy to punctuate or hit the damn shift key b intellectual  read that  something to fear cos they have a hard time reading anything that isnt first chewed up and attached to a pretty colorful pie chart ala usatoday c postmodern whatever the fuck that is jese get a fuckng life you over intellectualizing self agrandizing mutherfuckers about ninetyninepointnine percent of those reading know the shits just lowbrow read that in either perspective oh i mean point of view is that easier or in subject matter whatthefuck   
  My FAVROTE toy as a small child was... a dog toy.  Now, we never had a dog, so I have to figure that my parents got this toy exclusively for me, and that there isn't a more benign explanation such as that, in the innocence and folly of youth, I adopted a dog's chew toy as my own.  Nope, my parents got it for me.  They bought me a dog squeeky-toy.  Thanks mom, thanks dad.  I look at the pictures of me toting this plastic thing around in public, and I have to wonder just what in the hell possesed them to give me a dog toy and not, say... a teddy bear, or some other sort of toy generally designed for HUMANS.  Personally, I think my parents had me only because they couldn't get a dog because my father is allergic.  I think giving me the dog toy as a child was just wishful thinking on their part... like when people put sweaters on their dogs or push their cat in a baby stroller.    
      I have matured beyond getting in childish relationships and looking for love (or something like it) and meaning around every corner. Now I'm just looking for causual sex.   
  Joe was a pretty cool guy. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Anachronistic. He wanted to go to a Grateful Dead concert with me at Madison Square Garden. I said sure. He liked to take acid.    We took some acid.  I think he took a little too much. Maybe a lot too much. About midway through the second set, he was pretty out. He reckoned we were ALL dead. And we were ALL waiting to be judged. In a kind of huge pyschedelic anteroom. He thought Jerry Garcia was judge. And that was what was going on up there on the stage. Maybe he had done something really really bad in his life becuase I could not get him to let go of the seat. After most people left, and the lights went on, I managed to convince him we weren't dead. And I drove two hours at 75mph down the NJ turnpike with a carpacked full of totally spaced-out hippies.   I never saw Joe ever speak  a full coherent sentence after that night which is kind of fucked up considering how short and singular this life is.  Even worse,I don't think there is a moral to this tale.     
  He comes up to me at the bar and sits next to me.   "You know," he says to me, "it takes like a hundred muscles to frown, but only 1 to smile." "Really?" I say as I look into his eyes. He nods. "Well, how many muscles does it take to do this?"  I give him the finger.        
  It was another steamy Detroit summer and the AC was still broken only relief was the windows propped open by school books.  My older brother had his friends over so we all where bored and decided to get good and trashed (nothing better to do so what the hell) so we got a bunch of quarts of Colt 45 and began to get shitfaced.  By the end of the afternoon I find me and one of my brothers friends (some greasy italian guy named Vic) making out in my bedroom. Hes all feeling on my tits and finger-fucking me and all. I'm drunk so I don't really care.  As he goes down to give me oral, he positions himself right between my legs and I let out the biggest loudest beer fart I ever heard in my life. It stunk so bad I began laughing. He at first acted like nothing happened, to worried about getting his rocks off now that he was all fired up.  I ended up walking out laughing my ass off, while Vic jacked off in the bathroom.     
  The man from American Express calls trying to sell me $50-a-year "Credit Card Fraud Insurance". So I ask him is that not what I pay the "membership fee for?" "Foregive me for my ignorance", I say, "but American Express won't hold me liable for something I didn't charge, will they?" "Errrr.  Ummmm. Yes, that is true but if someone steals your credit card number and uses it, you will have prove to American Express that it wasn't you". "And there will be an investigation...." I blink my eyes and shake my head in disbelief. "No offense, but I think I'll take my chances with your fucking attorneys, thank-you-very-much."  Talk about scumbags preying upon the ignorant.....  
  Recently inspired by another lowbrower's convenience store follies...  So i'm working at my convenience store, waiting to finish my 10-hour shift and its around 10:30 PM. A somewhat disgruntled forty-something man comes in and goes straight for the porno mags. It's the first time i've sold porn in a month and naturally i'm excited at the prospect. He comes to the counter with 2 ten-dollar muscle-woman themed pornos and an energy drink. So i'm thinking "Wow, it's gonna a good night". We finish our 25$ transaction (tax considered) and he leaves. He comes back and picks up the cheapest one-ply toilet paper we have.  Him: "Sorry, forgot." Me: "No problem, sir."  i laughed pretty hard after that, i dunno, i guess my fellow lowbrower was right... they only come out at night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Her(basking in the glow after 3-in-a-row):  Whoa...  Me:  Mmmm-hmmm.....  Her:  I didn't know a fat guy could get down like that.  Me:  Uhhm....thanks...?    
  Do you ever see people around that probably aren't famous, but look like they could be? yknow.. some expensive looking outfit, hairstyle, manicure, accessories, tiny dog... whatever, but you've never seen them in a People magazine attending a movie opening or post-awards show party? Well, I'm sitting in Manzetti's on a Sunday afternoon with my family (mom, dad, & two younger brothers,16 & 11) when one of these semi-famous looking people walks in. It's a tall guy with blown-out looking grey hair, expensive shades, expensive jacket, too tan for January.. you know the look.  I have no clue who this guy is, but he could easily pass for a celebrity, so I lean over to the 16 yr old brother, we asses the situation and decide to see how long we can string the 'rents along by making them think that this is some new cultural icon that they've completely missed because they are so old and senile. We like to make them feel old and senile. Especially after church.  Anyway, the name we gave this guy was "Chatty McCain" and for the next hour and a half of lunch plus the car ride home, my brother and I create an entire career for Chatty that includes some stint on Conan O'Brian where he did some hilarious skit with a panda (I laughed so hard "remembering" the nonexisitant panda skit that I almost puked up my salad). We also told them about the ludacris video that he was in (chiz-atty) and the commercial that he did where he's riding a go-cart, hits a ramp, jumps over a line of ducklings, does a somersalt mid-air and then lands and drives off.   We were appalled that my parents had never heard of him. "It's Chatty!!" we kept saying, "Ohmigod, I can't believe it's CHATTY!!! At MANZETTI'S!!!" and on and on. Whenever they asked what movies he had done and with whom, or what tv shows he had made guest appearances on, we completely doubled over into our entrees laughing like loonies. I have never seen my parents so bewildered. They were both normal, good, clean kids. They have no clue what to do with us deviants that they have the burden of raising.  And so they were completely baffled and curious as to who this "Chatty" character was and how many times he had been on TRL and wasn't his picture on GQ... they had totally bought this story  That is, until my mother recognized the guy. "Oh, I know who that is." "Yea, it's Chatty. He wore that jacket on SNL." "Noooo it's not. I know who that is."  Turned out it was Billy Graham's cousin.  An hour and a half of lunch wasted on stupidity and deviousness or and hour and a half filled with the crazy laughter that only chaos can bring from caffeinated, antsy, ADD kids. You decide.  
  Once I was rollerskating around the supermarket in a bathrobe.  They said over the PA system "attention shoppers: there is no rollerskating in Raplh's"  And I was sober.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         living with my best friend of many years in college.  I somehow managed to masturbate, at least twice a nite for over a year and a half.  Doing the math this comes out to about 750 times in the span we lived there.  Him, 5 feet away, playing Quake. Never ONCE noticed.  
  Whenever there is a party i think im gonna get laid but i just end up getting too drunk puking and passing out, after ive made a fool of myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here we see the recreational habits of the great warbling bostonian.  This redheaded doofus can be seen imbibing on smokey delights from the earth.  This bostonian is hoping to lure wildlife into the back yard by baiting a small patch of grass with hour old pasta that was left in order to smoke.  Too stoned to re-heat it and just chow down.   Afterwards, shock sets in when he realizes a skink might find this bounty.  Too stoned to actually clean up, it is left on the ground.    Lowbrow:  My roommate's clothes are drying on a line out there.  I don't really like her, so I don't really care.  Who needs some drama?  I do, I do!        
  who the fuck do you people meet that fuck you randomly? i've yet to get laid, and you people are getting head/fucked at the age of 13?  How is this possible?  And how do you people meet other girls/guys..and then bam instantly..like 3 hours later, be romping under bedsheets, doused in KY Jelly?  Please explain this odd phenomenon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          During my last great acid trip, we hung a boxed-strobe light from the ceiling about three feet above our circular card table, turned the other lights out, and the four of us played "racing demons" with six decks of cards all the while the cord swinging in an eliptical motion pointing down at the table as our only light source.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Her entrance through that door is a hallmark of my urgency to fart at that particular moment.    Now, what's more lowbrow than that?  
  on atkins diet to fit into those leather pants i got when i was 18..also just quit smoking cigarettes...the day this hell stops i light a bong filled with orange juice  
  my roommate got his first "pigeon point" yesterday. called me at work to tell me about it. sure enough, there it was in the alley behind our house. flat. now i gotta figure out where we're going to get some die-cut stickers in the outline of pigeons for the front corner panel of our autos. and how i'm gonna get my first point. little fuckers are faster than they are smart.  
  i have a drinking problem. i was drinking and reading an instant message my friend sent me, and i spilled vanila coke all over the crotch of my pants. it looked like i pissed all over myself. when i went to go get a paper towel, the doorbell rang. mindlessly i went to go get it. and there stood my hot next door neighbor staring at my wet spot. great.  
  making ends meet by home car repairs. Having no drive at the time I took my car to the works car park to adjust the brakes.. jacked it up.. adjusted the rear drums... they seemed to be binding a little.  Let it down and got in. Having a few teeth missing on the flywheel I had developed the habit of starting it in gear...   just as it caught I realised I had adjusted the brakes with the parking break applied and was now heading toward the office four feet away, in first gear with no braking affect at all. I managed to turn the engine off just as I took a lamp post off at the base.. the car stopped just short of the office wall and with the lamp cables sticking in the engine compartment..   it was dusk and I had about 20 mins before the timer activated the power....  
  Recipe for hilarity:  Monday night, holidays.  Your best friend just got license.  Go out in his new van.  Get bored, decide to steal a propane tank from CO-OP.  Get pulled over three times in the next five minutes for broken tail light.  Decide it's best to ditch the tank.  Go to other friends house.  Not home.  Smash planters on the front step.  Write "Sorry about the plants" in magic marker on the tank.  Leave it on step.  Laugh uncontrollably.  
  Doorman at the local bar gave me shit because I don't look much like my I.D. Kept yelling out to the people behind me "how come women always dye their hair and don't change their driver's license?"  Eventually he got bored and I went it. I estimate it will take two, three days to unstop those toilets.   
  "In grade 8 during gym class we all had to run around the park. One guy took a long detour through the woods and came back 5 minutes after all of us. We were all sure he had to take a shit real bad and went behind a tree. He claimed he was throwing up but we all knew better. For the rest of the year we called him Forrest Dump."   He was probably in the woods smoking a bowl and laughing at all you dumbfucks running around participating.    
  The first girl i ever truly loved and lusted after... and she happened to be my best friend. What could i do?  Her friendship was far too valuable to me to upset it by doing something so crass and unforgiveable as trying to get into her pants! SO for a year, i suffered.  Sleeping over at each other's houses... discussing intimate details of our relationships with respective boyfriends... sharing nearly everything. Pure and delectable torture.  Then- her family was posted. There were visits.  Spring breaks and Christmases at each other's houses, sharing a room and sometimes a bed.  Completely platonic.  I didn't want to scare her off. Then, one New Years Eve, at a party at (ironically) one of my ex-boyfriend's houses... i beerily got her into a corner and made some off-hand remark about how crazy she was driving me. Turns out- she was Bi too! Of course- she left the next day. Two years later we finally had our chance... in a threesome with my then fiancee.  She was naked.  I was naked.  We were kissing... i worked my way down her body... and gagged! I could not STAND her smell.  Even not breathing through my nose- i couldn't stand it. Years of futile lust. Of course- my fiancee... well,they are happily married now...   
  i still cant believe that some women think that plastic bags of toxic goo that inflate their godgiven breasts to sad caricatures will find them self respect and true love rather than bad sex and a greater understanding of how truely sick they are of themselves       
  so we were in P.E. and walking on the track, because the teachers were too lazy to set up an actual sport.  anyway, I see this stoner on the other side of the track yelling something about a sqirrel, I look out in the middle of the football field and see this squirrel, it takes off running, and I instictively start running also.  it gets to the inside edge of the track and stops and stares at me, then it runs over to a lightpole and looks at it, then glances back to see me looming up.  It then panics and runs to the next light pole and does the same thing, but now I'm only 3 feet away, so it starts running around the inside of the track in the grass, and me right next to it on the track.  We run less than a foot away from each other side by side for about 25 yards when it dashes out in front of me, digs its claws in the track, and whips itself in the other direction, a full 180 degrees.  It runs between the legs of the guy behind me, and I fall over on the track laughing.  I laughed for at least 3 minutes strait.  When I stop long enough to take a breath, steve says, "dane, why are you still laughing?" I reply, "I kicked it and the little squirrel went flying through the air" steve: "no it didn't, it ran over to that tree" me: "yeah, but in my mind I keep seeing myself kicking it and it flying through the air"  to this day, I still imagine that happening and die laughing in the middle of things I shouldn't be laughing about.  I'm the wierdest kid in my school that hasn't ever used illegal substances  
  I was in a restaurant with some friends. We were drinking quite heavily and laughing and singing. It was a family-style restaurant with lots of older people and children, multi-generational, you might say. So after one particularly prolonged moment of rioutous laughter, all of a sudden we fell silent to wipe the tears from our eyes. We looked around, and everyone in the place was quiet and staring at us. All of a sudden I was seized by nausea. I grabbed the nearest wine decanter, poured the red wine onto the off-white carpet and vomited my entire dinner into the carafe! The management asked us to leave.    
  ::beastie boys in the background::  her: you have lost all taste  me: really?, who of us likes abba?  
  This one isn't about bragging about my 5 year-old -- it's just a genuine, exploiting-the-young moment. I take him to Watkins Glen for the day, for go-karts, and miniature golf, and bumper boats, and go-karts, and... But the place is bleedin' expensive . We walk up to the counter, with a very cute young thing (What do you expect? This is a Limbo moment...) behind it. I nudge Wig: He: "Last time we were here, the nice man gave us a free ride on the go-karts. Can we have another one?" She laughs. I pay up ($6!). Me: "Ain't he a babe-magnet, feh shuah?" She laughs: "He certainly is!" Me: "You ain't seen nothin' yet..." I bend down and whisper to him. He turns back to her and happily announces: "My Daddy has a big peenie!" She gasps, and completely loses it. She: "You could make money with that one..." Me, winking: "Oh, I do, and more..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The woman behind me in the checkout line had Always Ultra-Thin Maxis with Wings and two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I smiled knowingly at her.  She looked at my Playtex Gentle Glide and Three Musketeers bar and smiled back.   
  Don't get me wrong, I like my coffee strong and all... but Starbuck's coffee is just plain terrible. Dunkin' Donuts' coffee, however, may just be the best coffee you can buy in a restaurant-type setting. I used to think this was kinda low brow of me, but now I realize I'm right and I'm not afraid to speak the truth. In fact, while hanging out in the hipster Wicker Park area of Chicago recently, I counted something like 8 Starbucks nearby all packed with hipsters and intellectual artist-types. I spotted a DD across the street and headed straight in to find a few of my fellow indie kids hanging out there drinking coffee. I thought to myself, "See? They get it. Why can't everybody figure it out?"  
  in japan:  spiders are GOOD luck, so if you see one in your house, you don't kill it.  i didn't know, get the FUCK off my back.  
  i knew a girl in college who:  parked in teacher parking everyday and threw the ticket in the backseat, then came home crying after the next registration when her fines were more than a semester's tuition and she couldn't pay.  got a flat on the way home.   was huffing tv cleaner on a cement porch, fell off the railing and landed right on her face above one eye.  her eye swelled out about 6 inches for a week or 2 and was crooked from then on.   ditched her friends on a roadtrip to blow someone she met in the parking lot and then go home with him. he took her to the train station the next day, promising to buy her a ticket.  she goes to the bathroom before getting the ticket and comes out to find that he had bolted.  she had to call moms.   put $20 in a stamp machine, got $3 in stamps and no change.   sat on a wobbly legged chair at a party after she'd been warned about it, then fell over, spilled her beer and broke the wobbly leg off.   went to a very large party at a very small house that had an unfastened toilet in the main bathroom.  she hits the head, leans, tumps over the toilet and sends water everywhere.   also did many more stupid and embarassing things that earned her the nickname "catch a bad one"        
  Oh, my mom was pissed when she found the porno. She called me into the bedroom. "I thought maybe you'd want to watch this together," she said. "No, no ..." I mumbled. "Are you sure?" she said. "I thought you liked to watch movies like this." I shook my head, said I was sorry. She let me go. Anyway, after that I pretty much swore off the pornos till I grew up and moved away.  
  We were playing soccer at some local elementary school. This guy says that he has to take a dump. There is no porta-john around. One of the other guys playing lives across the street, says to walk to his house and use the bathroom. Dude says he can't make it (I think he's just lazy). He goes to the woods for a bit, then emerges some time later. He took a dump in the woods. He used leaves to wipe his ass. Little did he know that the leaves he used were poision oak. He had that rashes all up and over his ass. All over his balls too. I guess he must have scratched his rash then his balls or played with himself. He couldn't wear undwear or pants for like weeks. Had to rub ointment all over his anus, asscheeks, balls, etc. This has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard of in my life. It makes all the more funny cause I knew the guy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my boyfriend and i were taking a shower together. it was the last time we'd get to do it before he left for college. yes, it was sweet and romantic.   we scrubbed and washed each other.  we hugged under the warmth of the water.  we also had a contest to see who could make the loudest armpit fart.  i never wanted the moment to end.     
   In a lift in sydney, our esteemed cheif justice turned and said "was that you?" as he realised that his flatulence has not gone unnoticed.       
  On my 21st birthday I received as presents from friends: 1. 1 carton of lucky strikes 2. 1 1/8 of pot 3. 1 pipe 4. 2 Vicadin 5. 1 1/8 of mushrooms 6. 1 pair of panties 7. 1 bottle of Bacardi   does this say something about my friends, or do I need to take a closer look at my addictions?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If I had an extra arm or two, I think I would get just as much work done -but I would smoke and drink more.  
  first month freshman year in college. I was at a frat party with two dates. We went out to one of those japanese resteraunts where they cook infront of you. I had been drinking straight sake after drinking beforehand. The bill comes to about 65 and I hand them my plastic and it gets rejected. With no cash I had to borrow from one of my dates. After leaving the place it was about midnight and my dates were "tired" and decided to go to bed(its too bad cause they were both really fuckin cute-maybe i was too drunk).  I'm at the party and after about two hours a friend of mine who I was there with came to me and said the cops were here. He is absolutely shitfaced and the convo went like this:  Me: "What happened?"  Him: "The cops are here man. But its cool, I took care of it. They asked me whos party this was."  Me: "What the hell did you say?"  Him: "Nothing, I just ran away."  So we hid in the grass for about 5, 10 mins, an hour. No clue. We were trashed stupid. The party had been cleaned out and I sent him in to go check it out. I go in 5 mins later and see him on the couch looking dead. I took care of him for awhile. And then he starts vomiting all over the place. After seeing this, I do the same thing. But at least I make the trash, mostly. He's like a water fountain, spraying everywhere(they had to replace the couches). A girl I dont even know is taking care of us.   The next morning we wake up about a mile from school on the same couches and proceed to walk home in vomit-covered golf clothing (it was a caddyshack theme). About half way there I looked at him and said, "Dude, you have a big penis on your forehead." He told me I had "I luv cum" on me. Oh the joys of college.  About 2 weeks later Im at another party and this really cute girl comes up to me and asked if I remembered her. She was the one who had taken care of us. Apparently my friend threw up all over her and she had to take a shower with her clothes on. I doubt either one of us will ever have a chance with her.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The greatest party drink ever?  Cool Mint Listerine, recipe as follows:  Take one Cool Mint Listerine bottle, empty, and wash thoroughly.  Fill with two parts vodka, one part peppermint schnappes.  Add three drops blue food coloring.  Refrigerate in the freezer for optimum drinkability.  It looks, tastes, and smells like the mouthwash.  Show up at a party drinking this shit and everyone thinks you're crazy.  Cops will think that it's a bottle of mouthwash.  It drinks very smoothly, and it's 80-100 proof (depending on the specific alcohols you use).  Plus, the bottle comes with its own shotglass, and your breath will always be minty fresh, even after vomiting.  
  Brower's all....  Why have many of you "browbeat" (pun intended) Limbo into not posting when he damn well wants to.  I say free the brow from the tyranny of the opressors....  Run free Limbo.....let you kilt blow gracefully.  Just don't point that thing my way.  
        Me, John, and a few other guys went to a strip club one night while bored and wasted.        At one point a stripper was sitting on Johns lap and he gets up to go to the shitter...I lean into my friends ear and say " Hes going to the ATM to withdraw $500.00" just loud enough for the stripper to hear.        She later went home with him that night but to his dismay didn't get any.        He made her eggs in that smelly little 1 bedroom apartment he lives in.  
  My youngest son was born by emergency C-section. Traumatic. I slept in the hospital for three days and got all smelly and stubbly, when other family members said I should go home, they'd take care of my beloved and my new son. I got home and showered, shaved, and dressed. I was expected to sleep, but on account of my family crisis had been granted the whole week off. Hmm, thought I. I went down to my gothic-industrial hangout, where I was upgraded from Standard-Grade Asshole to Lex Luthor Evil Bastard. Just for going to the bar while my wife was in the hospital!  I got a lot of free beers that night. Seems everybody wants to be friends with the Evil Guy. God knows you don't want him pissed at you... I didn't get laid that night, though.  
  On my ex's 19th birthday, my now former roomies pooled together to buy her a HUGE vibrator that came with a funky sheath that's supposed to feel like a penis.  I was still sleeping with her at the time so I knew it was used.  She produced it at the next party she we hosted (My roomies and her). A buddy of mine was being a dink so he got cock slapped with the sheath.  The funniest shit I have seen in a long time.  
  Gentle, expressive modern psuedo-classical piano music  offering counterpoint  to the flickering images of three young men crawling all over each other in a soapy bathtub.  Wow, this is better than most porno soundtracks I mused.  Classy stuff indeed.  
  My clinical psych professor explained to us the clock test used to assess patients for a number of disorders. If a patient's corpus callosum had been severed to stop seizures, for example, the patient would draw half a clock with all the numbers on one side. The clock test can be used to check a number of aspects of a patient's mental state. I raised my hand.  "What if the patient draws a digital clock?"  Silence...  "Um, because that's what I would have drawn. I was picturing a digital clock..."  Silence.      ...    ...    Finally, a smile, a chuckle, and "I don't know what I would think. That's never happened to me before."  I find it hard to believe that no one had even asked the question...   Thinking outside the box... look into it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i had sex on the hood of a car parked in a driveway at 2 am. i got off just fine.  
  Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.  
  A friend of mine recently called to complain about being so hugely pregnant she can no longer masterbate comfortably. All I can think is, well if you had been doing more of that in the first place instead of being such a dumb tramp, you would not be in that predicament.  That and I am sure as fuck glad I can still masterbate.  
  me and my 3 friends had just got done mixing copious amounts of alcohol and 3 or so bowls.  they wandered into my upstairs bathroom, MY bathroom, and they found my parents anal beads... me and my friend were so aghast that we collapsed into the adjacent room confused.  it finally hit me 3 minutes later that my parents had stored their sex toys in my bathroom, sickening isnt it...  
  So I'm dating this redhead with a tight ass, but we have the biggest fucking break-up I've ever been involved in, I've never hated anyone so much, and I yell at her:  "Stay the fuck away from me!  I never want to see you again!"  I get together with my two best friends, who commiserate.  "Fucking bitch," they say.  Yeah.  Fucking bitch.  Two nights later I walk into our coffeehouse hangout and she's there with them, my two best friends.  I get a cup to go, and one of my pals walks up to me:  "Say, uh, I hope you don't mind, you know, we were just hanging out."  A redhead with a tight ass beats best friends any day.  
     My middle-aged female co-worker, Gladys, once got wrapped around the rear axle of a Mr. Softie's ice cream truck.  Now she walks with a shimmy.     
  he says to me "yeah but see, the difference is when YOU play the guitar and sing a song, you don't sound like a dying hooker getting a red hot poker in the asshole... mike does." mike was right behind him  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My family had two cars (I say had)  I was driving downtown, when I suddenly lost control and hit a car parked along the street. Guess who's car I hit?  Yes, the other family car  
  After you left my house i buried my face into the wet spot you left on my carpet and jerked off to your smell.  
  I have started to pretend to blow my nose into a pair of underwear right in front of my prude wife to give her the idea that maybe the white crust on the interior of my underclothes may be snot and not gizz.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "i thought that in those movies and television shows, when they talked about having a coffee break, that they should have a masturbation break. but then again, i think this would decrease productivity."  the perks of being a wallflower.  
  My girlfriend says that I am mean and insensitive.  I just think she doesn't get my jokes.  
  it was on the redeye from vegas to new york where i noticed a woman, frosted hair being drawn back from her face by french-manicured nails, reading a well-worn bodice-ripper. she noticed my glance. "sweetie," she said. "you don't look so good. wanna mint?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From another posting:  A day later, me on the phone: "I'm really looking forward to taking you somewhere where I can hear you without you spitting in my ear."  Oh, you Ol' silver-tongued devil, you.  So I was lying about calling her already, but I fully intended to. 'Cept with the band playing loud, and with me bending down (she's truly tiny! 4'7", dark, and fascinating!) and her spitting in my ear trying to be heard, I not only got her phone # wrong, and the school she teaches at, but also her first and last names. Thank goodness for the Internet, and a Computer Science degree. Fifteen minutes of online work later, I have her real name. I look in the 'phone book and find her, but the address is out of date. I call the number anyway, figuring she took it with her when she moved. But I get some midwest family who just moved here. They're mystified and somewhat startled by me. I go back online, no use. Why is this so difficult! Tomorrow morning, I'm actually going to pick up a 'phone and call directory services -- how very 20th Century...   
  He's been fired from Steak n Shake 5 times.   5 times, man.     
   Even More Hell's Angels  Sitting with my sister-in-law and some of her Angel buddies. They're talking about the recent death of one of the brothers. His girlfriend, who was on the back of his Harley when he hit the 18-wheeler, has her head crushed in and is in a coma. I know the girl, and like her. She could have had a great future in front of her. Of course, being Angels, neither of them were wearing crash helmets. The Angels are planning a memorial rally around Manhattan. A thousand Hog rally.  Of course, none of them will be wearing helmets. I decline. Sis politely asks why. Several Angels ask why, less politely. I don't know how I managed to brass it out, given the company, but: "I just think it was a case of natural selection. If you're so stupid you ride without a crash helmet, then you shouldn't be mourned." Scary,  scary  silence...  
  It's hard to meditate when you're on amphetamines.  
  I had to visit the emergency room three days after I dropped a full keg on my toe. I am a tiny woman.  I was so drunk I thought it was empty.  
  So my old boss wore out his penis...he couldn't get it up anymore.  He sprung for the most expensive penile implant in the catalog, with a pump and everything.  The cheapest one was these two gumby-rods inserted on either side of your shaft, so you can bend your wiener ALL OVER THE PLACE.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at the porno store with my friend on his 18th birthday.  I see a pocket pussy on the wall with a "try me" finger hole on it.  Right as I put my finger in it, the clerk says "Do you know how many people have stuck their finger in that?" Suddenly all the possibilities of what had been put into it ran through my head.  On the way home, I had my finger out the window the whole time.  
  Being bored at work and not being able to enter www.hornyhausfraus.com into the computer, I figured the most low brow thing I could enter was www.lowbrow.com  It worked.      
  he says im in walmart with my two year old daughter and were on line to get her the winnie the pooh singalong movie and some eight year old or so kid on the line says winnie the pooh and i say yeah she really loves  it all kids love pooh he says  and i say eeewwwwww and it takes a couple of seconds but he says no not that kinda pooh eeeeww thats gross and i smile so i am sitting in the seat behind you as you drive the bus to hell arent i yup i says  
  I used to do things just to see if I could get away with them. Once I shot my uncle with a paperclip and a cheap plastic slingshot. He wasn't nearly as impressed with how good a shot I was as I. Obviously, he never tried to aim a cheap ass dollar store slingshot  
  sitting in andy's room after clubbing, and we're all slowly coming down. I'm finding it hard to structure a coherent thought, my whole body is exhausted from a whole night of dancing, yet my head is still rushing, and i find myself babbling incoherently whilst rocking back and forth on the floor.  Andy's telling us all some story, an anecdote which seems to go on forever, I'm hanging onto his every word, genuinnely interested and when he finally reaches the punchline I crease up in genuine mirth. I find that I'm laughing for at least five minutes, long after everybody else has stopped and the room has other wise slumped into stoned silence.  I stop abruptly, completely confused and ask:  "What the fuck was I laughing about?"  
   Scottish Joke From My Friend Dunbar  Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are standing around, discussing on the proper ways to fuck a sheep.  Englishman: "I put the back legs in my galoshes so they won't step away."  Irishman: "I do the same, but on top of a cliff so they back up on me."  Scotsman (Yeah!): "I put the back legs in my galoshes, and the front legs over my shoulders."  Englishman, Irishman, say: "Why do you put the front legs over your shoulders?"  Scotsman: "And miss out on all that good kissing?"  
  I have a friend (female) who I later learned worked on fishing boats as a Private observer for environmental purposes.  Like any sea going vessel it would be weeks and weeks before these castor oil princes would ever see a woman.  This next part ruined my ignorant life.  To "compensate" for a female deficiency they use to participate in "hot pocketing"   This included the following: Removing the intenstines of a trout, halibut..whatever your fish of the day is.  stapling the ends shut and nuking the thing in the oven.    Pull in out of the oven. Proceed to fuck it.  eeww.  Fuh King eewww.  
  This is one of those fuzzy childhood memories- I was probably in 1st grade at the time, but who knows.  It was winter, I'd just gotten done with a day of sledding on my cheap plastic ghetto sled, and I was trotting eagerly home to a warm cup of hot chocolate and a movie I'd just gotten my parents to rent for me.  In a burst of childlike excitement I started to run faster, sled bouncing along behind me as I neared my house.  Enjoying the run, I didn't really notice as... I slammed into a pickup truck and fell back on my butt, stunned. A parked pickup truck.  That had been in plain view for my entire run down the street. Explains a lot, doesn't it?  
   Looking back I cannot remember who I was going to throw that chair in drunken rowdiness last friday night. All I remember was being told to put it down, and then next thing I knew I was teaching a diminutive but very attractive young girl by the name of Fleur to say "It is often a man's tongue that cut his throat" in Irish.   We never did figure out who took Jake's pants either.        
  Try this.  Flip somone off.  Middle finger high and proud.  Then lick that finger while still at full mast.  Then point the finger in their general direction.  I didn't think it was very neat either.  I learned a lot of really stupid shit in Poland.    
  On my way home last winter, at about 11 at night, I saw a girl on my corner. Well, I say "girl", even though she was about my age. She was drunk and arguing with a cabbie. I couldn't tell what the argument was about. She was drunk, so it probably wasn't really about anything. I walked past them into the corner deli to buy seltzer, but on my way out, I decided to be selfless and see if I could break up this obviously meaningless argument.  I get involved; turns out this girl couldn't give proper directions to where she wanted to go. While I engage the cabbie in a conversation to calm him down, she starts staggering down the street. Her place, according to the address she gave, was at least a mile away. The sidewalks were icy. She could hardly stand. I told the guy to hold on, and I went after her.  I called after her to stop walking, and she did. I got to her, and talked her into giving the cabbie $10 to get rid of him (since it was technically her fault that they ended up in the wrong area). I walked her back to the corner, where there was a cab service. I asked them to get a cab for her, and I waited with her.  Turns out she had just had her 30th birthday, and it was a dismal affair, and she had just lost her job. The bartender must have taken pity on her and given her a lot of free shots.  At some point, while waiting for the cab, we kissed.  When the cab showed up, she demanded that I go with her. I already had plans to meet a friend to go rock climbing, but I figured we could swing by her apartment and then the cab would take my back. In the cab, we talked more. I mentioned to the cabby my intended arrangement, and he explained that he already had his next call. I would have to call another cab.  When we got to her place, she invited me up. I figured I could call from one place as good as another, so I acquiesced. When we got up to her place, I prevented her from having a beer, and we talked and kissed some more. She had to keep asking me my name. Eventually, she invited me to stay over. As in sleep with her. In no uncertain terms. She went so far as to let her hands roam across my crotch.  I fought my "lowbrow" instincts and insisted that I had to go. But I got her number and her name, and I promised her that we would have dinner the following night, and we would see what happened then.  The next night, we met for dinner. She seemed distant. I came back to her place with her. She suggested that we just sleep. The next morning, I gave her information about some headhunters I knew, and she more or less asked me to leave. I called her a few times, but she never returned my calls.  It has been suggested to me that this girl might have just wanted a quick fuck, to make herself feel sexy or wanted after such a horrible week. That may be the case. On the other hand, she might have felt even worse, upon waking up with a terrible hangover, next to some total stranger.  I don't really regret my choice.  I only wish she had been able to remember my name.  
  I went to a party at Annie's house.  At about 5 a.m. John woke up, and tried to find his way to the bathroom.  When he gets to the kitchen, he sees a kid standing there with his pants down urinating on the kitchen floor, with the bathroom approximately 5 feet away from him.  John looks at the kid, then looks at the bathroom, then looks back at the kid and asks... "Does Annie know you are doing this?"        
  If a fast food restaurant was right next door to a liposuction clinic, would *you* eat the fries?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've come to the conclusion that 2 types of people purchase (or have someone purchase for them) Hello Kitty merchandise:  Little girls, for whom the merchandise was meant  Young ladies who want to have the outward appearance of being nice and sweet and all that, but are complete freaks (the good kind)  I know this because my ex-g/f was a complete Badtz Maru nut, and she's a punk/goth who liked it in the ass and was caught fucking on Broadway St. in San Francisco; he was dressed as the Mad Hatter, she as Alice.  So, whenever I see a gal in her early to mid-twenties with some sort of Hello Kitty regalia on, I usually go over and introduce myself.  
  My first week in Australia, I found and fell in love with COCO SLAMS, the excitingly crunchy cocoa and wheat scoop-shaped (so each one holds "just enough" cold milk) cereal they were test-marketing (it turns out) in Sydney.  They didn't catch on, so they became very hard to find.  Only www.shopfast.com.au seemed to carry them, and they had a $10 delivery charge.  At $2.50 a box, how many boxes would be necessary before I could justify the surcharge?  The next weekend, I was 24 boxes of COCO SLAMS richer.  The best part was, they forgot to bill me, so this time I got something for nothing.  Birthday presents for the next 2 months got a whole lot easier.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Determining someone's gender from one moment is easy, but once you read a few, that shit'll just confuse you.  
  Definition of Stupid Users:  Someone calls in, has no experience in computers or the net which is ok since it's part of my job...(I work for an ISP Helpdesk) anyhow, managed to get them online with  hardly was any real problems... About a half hour later the same couple calls in again but you can tell who's in  charge here... (the wife) So they call in and she asks the most famous question I have ever heard in my career.  "Where do I find porn on the net??"  I replied,"I'm sorry but we don't cover that topic here..." Then she replied,"My husband  made me call and ask..." And they hung up.  After that call I started thinking, people have a hard enough time just avoiding... OH God I need a  job...  
  A guy will jerk off into/onto just about anything. A toilet, a sink, a sock, whatever's handy. (wow, that pun was totally unintended)   From the information I can gather, I'd say the tissue seems to be the weapon of choice.   My ecologically friendly, ex-vegan residual guilt won't allow me to destroy our precious trees for the convenience of a mess free rub out, so I make my deposits in a spare hand towel I store under the bed.  Problem is, I've been using the same one for a while now. I don't really want to wash the thing with my other laundry, I can't justify putting it in the washer by itself, and fucked if I'm going to wash my jizz rag by hand.  It's starting to smell though.......  
  One morning i awoke to the sound of my dads knock at the door. In that one moment i realized my bed was not in the shape of an alligator and my car was not a duck. and that was the saddest day becasue i decided to no longer do drugs... I DONT DO DRUGS      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Mr Turbo craves romatic adventure woman.  
  came out of grumpy's last night to find an old acura parked, literally, 5 inches from my friend's car. kate moss wouldn't have been able to get to his driver's door. people, if you park a small-ass car like a total prick, don't be suprised when you come out, and it's been rotated in such a way that makes it impossible to move.  
  i fully agree with the car-decal lowbrow stickers... one step further. someone find a cheap silkscreening company and make some fucking lowbrow t-shirts. 15-20$ apiece? id buy one, especially if there were a bunch of random moments on them. back, sleeves, front. we could even have a line of 'sorry_e_e' clothes, with posts exclusive to sorryee. oh, who am i kidding. were all too lazy to get off our asses and make a global sign of recognition to those who realize what dumbshits humanity is comprised of.  
  is it so wrong to lick my wife's ass in the hopes she'll have anal sex?  
  My friend has this piece of art, a lucite case hung on the wall displaying a dozen real iridescent tropical butterflies. Her sister gave it to her as a gift. She loves it. I think its insect genocide.  
  One day the Police and Sherrif departments decided to have  a picnic.  These 8 dumbass kids in two very recognizeable yellow ford tauruses tried to  shoot up all the police cars while we were at the park.  The only problem is that the park is accross the street from the police station.  We hear gunshots and see these kids shooting our cars.  I ran out in front of the first car pulling my .45 and aiming it at the driver.  he stopped.  Every kid in that car shit himself when he saw 35 police officers in civilian clothes aiming  guns at them.   Dumbshits.  
  There are 3 truths I have learned in my 30 years on this planet:  1) The length of half an hour depends on whether you are giving or getting the massage.  2) The length of forever depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.  3) A true friend is a person you can fart in front of and then comment on the feel and sound.      
  Have you ever had one of those couches you just can't part without? Even though you have patched the damn thing up a hundred times with duct tape?  I have a solution for you. We have a thing in Canada called the Great Canadian Chair-B-Q. We cart the delapitated furniture out to the backyard where we sit on it enjoying the sun, beer in hand. We wait for the sun to set. Then we light that puppy up!   We stand around drunk telling stories about losing virginity on that couch and whatnot. The heat from the couch/chair/whatever keeps you nice and toasty for a while.  A fitting end for such a great friend...  
  My dog Milford stared at me as I stood in the kitchen in my boxers eating half a bottle of store brand bacon bits.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm camping in the middle of a state park for 3 days, so you figure, eventually i'm going to have to take a big shit.  when that oh-so-glorious time comes, i walk to the outhouse, and as soon as i get 20 feet away from it, i can already smell the shit.  so, i knew i was in for some fun for the next five minutes.  still, there's nothing quite as entertaining as the sound of diarrhea dropping 20 feet into the hole of the outhouse  
  I finally found a great doctor. I'm keeping this one. Not only does he take lots of time with me and discusses his diagnosis at length, but I can  almost always  get an appointment with him immediately. I guess most people in this enlightened little town would literally rather die than be examined by a Pakistani. He tells me he's going to fix my (literally) running illness. Gives me two scripts, but warns they won't kick in for a few days. He asks if I'd be interested in some 3rd World folk medicine in the meantime. I'm all ears, so he tells me to make up a big batch of "Pakinstani Backcountry Gatorade."* Next, he puts me on the BRAT diet** for two weeks. He's about to explain the acronym, but I cut him off: "But my stepdaughter is  way  too skinny. I'd starve to death!" I told that one to my estranged wife. She clouted me hard, but then couldn't help herself, and started giggling. Two hours into my new diet, I can already tell it's literally just what the doctor ordered. ------- *Pakistani Backcountry Gatorade: Fresh lime juice, water, salt and a little sugar. **Bananas; Rice; Applesauce; Toast and Tea.  
  Conversation between me and my boyfriend  Josh:: Hey  Me:: Hey  Me:: how are you feeling?  Josh:: Im still in pain...oh and I want to hump you.  Me:: oh  Josh:: Yeah..I wanna do you from behide  Me:: Ok..........  Silence  for about 3 minutes  Josh:: heavy breathing::  Me:: are you done yet?  Josh:: ummmm yeeeeeah.  Me:: ok love you bye.  Josh:: Bye ...thanks  Im sure you know by now we have a long distance relationship.  
  So my sister and I are doing some bonding by her reading outloud some lowbrow moments.  I'm out having a smoke when I catch her swiveling in her computer chair and holding her crotch uncontrollably.  I yell across the apartment, "I know you gotta pee, dude, just go!" She says, "no way! It's sick and addictive!" Then she peed her pants.  
  My former employer:  "...wont need your services any more..." or some such nonsense.  I slept with your little girl.  Fair trade, i guess.  And i'm keeping the stapler.  
   Receipe: 1 night of drunken tagging.     1-3 colors of paint.   1 alley w/ two exits.   2-5 angry neighboors.   1 friend intent on tagging your own house behind your back.   1 police cruiser with two officers.   0 common sense.  Mix friend and paint into a large undisclosed alley behind your own house. Allow for unfriendly conversation to take place between you, your friend and the ugly neighboors.  Prepare excuses in separate so that individual stories do not coraborate.  Slowly pour in truth of your name, current residence and age.  Wait 10-15 minutes while police laugh at your own stupidity when they realize you are DIRECTLY behind your own house.  Apply dry wit in stating fact that `most accidents happen within 1 km of your home`!! Remove shoe laces and belt while cooling in 8x10 cell.  crysys@courthouse.com  
        overheard on a college campus:  "There must be a mile of dick on this campus, and I can't get six inches!"  
  he dismissed it thusly all i wanted was her physiology and all i got was her psychology        
  I work at Barnes and Noble. That's lowbrow in and of itself. One day a customer asked me for the autobiography of Merlin. I responded with, "Merlin... the wizard?" I had to explain to a forty year old man that Merlin the Wizard is a ficticious character and there would not be an autobiography. He then asked me where our "Merlin" section was in the store. I then had to explain that Merlin books would be found in mythology, new age, and even juvenile, but Barnes and Noble did not have a Merlin section. I honestly thought that was going to be the dumbest question of the day until someone on the second floor asked me how to get back downstairs. It took everything I had to refrain from screaming, "You are up here, so how the fuck did you get upstairs?!"  
  My mother pulls my little brothers favorite stuffed animal out of the dryer, it's fur is completely melted.  She says,"I told you not to put this in the dryer!"  I reply,"Sorry, I forgot."  She then says,"Well it's a good thing I bought him another one today."   And I'm thinking,"She never bought me two of the same stuffed animal when I was a kid!"  So somehow I didn't feel as bad about it.  
  I usually hate stupid lowbrow moments people post that you know are just rip-offs.  Having said that, and having read some of the posts here about people's relationships with their parents, I was reminded of the poem  This be the verse  by Philip Larkin.   They fuck you up, your mum and dad.    They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had    And add some extra, just for you.  But they were fucked up in their turn    By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern    And half at one another's throats.  Man hands on misery to man.    It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can,    And don't have any kids yourself.   Me?  I love my parents.  I have a horrible, slowly worsening pain in my stomach knowing they shall die soon.  I'll cry.  How lowbrow is that?  Mr Mephisto   
   "It was nice sharing this ride with you" he said before disembarking, though we hadn't spoken through the crush of commuters.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I saw the "Vampire" Mike Cassel tonight.  He emerged from the back room,hunched like this wasn't his scene.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I have jizzed in every ocean on earth.   Plus, one airplane...I took the kleenex and stuck it in a crack near the ceiling thus probably making my semen higher than anyone else's at that very moment.  
  I've had so many milkshakes this summer that a girl who works that the yuppie icecream joint I frequent (blonde, pierced, perky, cute) recognized me a few blocks away from her place of employment.  It made me feel like a real jerk.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just opened a bag of M&Ms and decided to have an M&M war. I saved out 3 reds, blues, yellows, greens, oranges, and browns. I paired them off so there were no two of the same pairings. I then picked up one pair, placed them face to face, and squeezed them between my thumb and fore finger until one of them cracked. I ate the cracked one and set the "winner" aside. I continued, then paired winners against winners until I had the world champ. Actually I ended up with two yellows so I didn't have them fight, I just ate them. So only one of the 3 yellows broke and that was in the first round. In the first round, all the greens broke.   So what's the value of this little test? Well, if you open a bag of M&Ms and dump them in your hand, the thin skin ones should be eaten first because they will be the first ones to "bleed" into your hand. Given that, eat them in this order:  Green Blue Orange Red Brown Yellow   It's actually easy to remember. Gordon Borby was the one who invented a way to encapsulate little pieces of chocolate in candy. You know, G(reen). B(lue)o(range)r(ed)b(rown)y(ellow).    You believe all this, right?   
  i wrote a check to my local internet service provider, and in the "for" box i put pornography access  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think she new what she had to do when I said "I will do anything for you".  So, she told me to tell her when I was about to cum.  I told her, a couple of times, even.  Ain't my fault she just started to pull away at the "point of impact".  I put it back in my pants, said "see 'ya" then got out of the car, never to see her cum stained face again.  
  My brother spends the day making "ptpp, phtpp" sounds with his mouth, or 'beat-boxing.'  He does this so when he starts jacking off later, if we hear him, we'll just think he's trying to annoy us again.  Doesn't work.  
  this reminds me... when I was a kid I wet my pants because I didn't pause my game of Mike Tyson's Punch Out! but I won't make the same mistake here on lowbrow        
  Yeah...uhhh...hmmm.  Just trying to decide whether or not to eat that amazing fluorescent green potato chip that seems to be in every bag.  
  Yesterday while killing time before seeing "Pride and Prejudice" (Olivier and Garson), I prowled the dimestore.  In the craft section was a product that seemed to me very Lettermanish.  It was a plastic bag full of 1/2-inch spiders.  The label said most accurately, "BAG O' BUGS."  I love it when life imitates art.  
  One valentine's day I was lacking romantic involvement.  So I made dinner for myself and a roommate while we were watching the Real Sex marathon on HBO.  I wasn't paying attention and cut my pinky almost to the bone.  The roommate said, "at least you didn't bleed in the rice" and asked to borrow a pair of underwear.  
  do you ever have a day where your underwear just doesn't sit right?    All damn day you've either got a cheek out or it's up your crack like a low budget sumo.  
  Her roommate's sketchy boyfriend was dropping by for the night for another bout of psycho-sexual domination. I suggested she sleep in my room.  "If you're cold on the floor, you can sleep in bed with me. I'm sure I'm as lonely as you are."  She gave me the look that said I should know better, and we both felt the weight settle upon our shoulders. Any contingencies we ever tried to make for ourselves were crushed under the realization that we just couldn't click. "More weight," I thought.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  i just ate a container of cherry yogurt.  i then took a long swig of cola.  it suddenly occurred to me that the after taste, far from pleasant, tastes uncannily like cherry coke.  
  I enjoy drinking bottled beer more than I enjoy drinking beer out of cans. My bottled beer I keep in the fridge (my visible beer). But when I'm drinking by myself in my bedroom I tend to drink cans - 'cause that way I can crush them & hide them in my cupboard, then sneak them into the bin when my flatmates aren't around. That's my invisible beer. Denial - it's not just a river in Egypt.  
  just read a moment about the "rusty trombone"....ahhh, reminds me of an amusing anecdote about that particular....position  a friend had asked about it, wondering what it was....some of us stumbled over trying to describe it without sounding too vulgar, finally one friend says....  "a rusty trombone? it's a tossed salad with a reach around"  ahhh, how succinct....and lowbrow at the same time  
  i refilled the diet coke bottle with bourbon and coke and took it to church with me.  i justified it as saying it was social lubrication for the function i was attending.  
  "You should write a poem about me. "I could write, like, a funny rhyming poem about you." "It should be a serious poem." "I'm not going to waste my ... um ... serious poems are hard to write." So that one was doomed from early on.   
  My ex-boyfriend is a controll-freak, insecure asshole.  One night, at the bar that I regular, he got pissed and drove off without me because I was "flirting" with the bartender -- i.e., ordering a glass of wine from the guy whose job it is to get me such.  After he left (and there was a scene), my bartender refused to allow me to walk home and insisted that I wait until the end of his shift so he could drive me -- we were rather close chums.  I ended up back at his place, drunk, stoned and in bed with him.  My poor, pathetic, insecure ex had caused his own worst fear to come true!!  
  I missed my period this month, but wasnt too concerned about being pregnat, my beau however was paranoid. And so when I came down sick with what I considered to be a case of jalepeno cheese too early in the morning, he was convinced that it was morning sickness, despite the time being 1 pm. He ran out and bought a pregnancy test, and forced me to crawl off the couch to take it. He burst into the bathroom, just as I was putting the cap on it, and proceeded to stand over it for the entire three minutes it took to develop. When the negative result was finally visible. He carried it bouncingly through the kitchen and declared that he was going to frame it as modern art. I grunted in pain from the couch, and remained there the entire evening. I told him that he could probably make a fortune putting enlarged pictures of negative pregnancy tests on posters for teenage boys. He cried the next day when he found his "modern art" in the garbage can.  
  She said,"I derive joy from giving people food."  I replied,"And I derive pleasure from denying other people joy."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Somehow I can see people visiting this site for different reasons.  I guess they can be divided into categories such as:  1. Those who appreciate Lowbrow for all the embarrassing truths about mankind. (i.e. The Laughers)  2. Those who like to read about other deprived individuals so we can feel better about ourselves. (i.e. The Seekers, or The Miserable)  3. Those who are fans of incoherent masses of texts, but just want to be amazed by the cunning powers of http. (i.e. The Idiots)  4. Those who are looking for material worthy of masturbation. [If someone can jerk off to weird S/M featuring midgets kicking cows in the belly, they can definitely approve of this.] (i.e. The Weirdos)  5. Those who are utterly bored. (i.e. The Humans)  Guess which category I'm best fitted in?  
  so me and some friends of mine are sitting near the door at a gino-infested coffee shop. nice place. good coffee...an even trade off  so this group of about 7 ppl walk in...with their gelled hair and general gino attitudes..except for this one...psudo-greenpeace freak with his long blond hair and birkenstocks and..well he just didn't fit the part. y'know? not to be stereotypical...  my friend jen starts singing softly.."one of these guys is not like the others...one of these guys jsut doesnt belong"  i spit my coffee across the table laughing so hard....  i dont know why.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work at a pawnshop. (i.e. my job is to give money to heroin addicts and rob people) The other day my manager said, "I just sold a 32" TV." I asked him what was so great about that and he replied "Somebody came in with $100 worth of store credit, so i just upped the price of the TV by $100 and sold it to him, He was happy."  Damn stealing from people and getting paid for it is fun...  
  I had a favored, if ancient Mercury Gran Marquis parked in my driveway for a year. I usually drove my new convertible, but always liked the quiet comfort of American Heavy Metal.  On a Sunday afternoon, my door bell rings and this smiley-face Hispanic guy asks me if it is for sale. His family is in his minivan and I am not sure if he is husting for a car or showing off to earn some lowbrow respect.  He asks me if the car is for sale. I say,  No.   He says,  Everything has its price.   I say,  $5,000.  (We both know it is worth $1,000)  He calls my bluff.  I say,  Make me an offer.   He says,  Let s be gentlemen about this.   I slam the door in his face.  Two comments: 1) I now know his motivation. 2) If he had asked me even one question instead of just spouting homilies, I would have hired him as a salesman right then and there.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I browse the internet and come across something like "I should of known better" I think to myself "Damn, that guy must be stupid. I am not even a native speaker of English, and even I realize what bullshit he wrote. I am far superior to most people on the 'net." Then I download some porn and jerk off.  
  She drove off. I unfolded the slip of paper she had given me.  Above the number was written  Your Future Ex-wife . I laughed to myself, I had written  That Jackass From the Bar  on mine.  
  Strip Tease  My husband, while getting ready for another night at Shell station where he dutifully attended the cash register, decided to give me a little show as he put on his uniform.    His dance was complete with pelvic grinds, nut-giggling, and hairy-ass shimmies.    The lowbrow part?  He was stripping to Beck's "Loser"  
  .....  The words "bra" and "ska" make up more than 80% of the word "Nebraska".   *What the fuck is up with that?*  
  Sitting on my bike, waiting to cross the busiest street in Bumfuck, Indiana..  A shitty ford taurus creeps up behind me, then beside me.. I'm trying to ignore them because I know what will happen if I look..  and some shitty old man tweaks my ass from the passenger seat, while the teenager driving laughs his ass off.  2 hours and 20 minutes later, I realize that that man had been my teacher.   I wonder if he's as mortified as I am..  
  i skipped school on my birthday to go smoke weed all day long. happy birthday to me.  
  Freshman year of high school I was out one night with my boyfriend. He drove me to the park, pulling his car into a secluded spot where we thought no one would notice or bother us. We climbed into the back seat; I figured we had a couple of hours to play before I had to be home.  Not 15 minutes later, a cop shined his flashlight into the window. In the condescending, over-polite way that cops have with kids who haven't done anything technically wrong, he informed us that the park was closed.  So we packed up the Trivial Pursuit game we'd bought that afternoon and my boyfriend drove me home.  Ah, nerd romance..  
  Am I the only one who thinks cheerleader@yercrotch.com would be a fucking awesome mother?  Dammit, I want my mom to run around slicking things up with Vaseline with me.    That would be one cool bonding experience!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know that famous picture from the Viet Nam war   the one where the Saigon police chief is holding the gun to the Viet Cong sabatouer's head about to cap him?  You know what happened to that guy (the one with the gun)?  He ended up owning a restaurant in Maryland outside D.C.  It's true, my father met him.  More wierdness.  
  My illustrious private middle school had a picnic into Central Park right next to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. There was general chicanery and what not. However conversation came up about the windows at the Museum. One Kid, Jason assured us that the windows were made of a fantastic material that did not easily break. No one believed him and told him he was obviously wrong. Jason decided that the only way to prove his assumption was to take a big ass fucking rock and chuck at one of the over 20 foot tall windows.   They call them ASSumptions for a reason. Lucky for Jason, Museums have dumb kid insurance.   
  I visited my buddy down in DC, and met his new girlfriend.  Lovely girl, Asian.  So anyway, he's taking me to the airport, and she's in the car, and she's like "I know a shortcut".  So I blurt out "Ancient Chinese secret?"    Then my friend beat me about the head.  
   The Epitome Of Cool  I'm fifteen, shy and clueless. I am walking and talking with the coolest guy in our secondary school. I can't figure why he pays any attention to me (years later, I realized the answer was that he was a genuinely nice guy, and liked me). Four or five cute girls come up and start fawning over him. I'm struck speechless, of course, being in the presence of cute girls. He has a perfectly normal conversation with them, asking them questions, making them laugh. I'm awed by his power. But that's nothing. He takes out his handkerchief, blows his nose, puts it back in his pocket, and continues talking with them. The girls don't even seem to notice! How can  anyone  be  that  cool?  
  The internet is so beautiful yet so fucking horrible all at once...  It's kind of like a sexy midget...  (you can quote me on that one . . .)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were lazy about the weed. had an ounce of it for our trip from the south to montreal. in upstate ny, we ditch the bag at a friend's house, to be picked up upon our re-entry into the U.S.   we then decide, ehh, fuck cleaning the car out, the pot's gone, we'll be fine for the border inspection.  sure enough, at the cornwall crossing, we're the only car detained for inspection. and these canadian customs officials fucking GO TO TOWN. they're practically taking apart the damn car.  we overhear one of the guards, who is supervising two new rookies; "remember, if you even find a seed, it is enough for a formal arrest." we're getting kind of nervous. all those in-car bowls, there's gotta be something lying around on the floor.  then they find our rolling papers. shit. a real bull-dyke looking canadian guard approaches me.   "would you mind explaining to me what the purpose of these rolling papers are?"  "uh, yeah... i used to roll my own cigarettes. i guess i forgot those were in the car."  she rolls her eyes. a younger male customs guard next to us mutters "good answer."  they let us go though, with a stern warning not to be so stupid. we proceed to montreal and get lap dances and drink all night. but you know what?  STUPID FUCKING CANADIANS. they never even frisked us. i could have had a hello kitty backpack full of anthrax stuffed down my pants, they wouldn't have known shit. made me feel dumb for ditching the weed in n.y.  oh well, it was still a fun trip.    
  talked to jesus this morning.  he said, "yes, please carry on with the butt fucking," and i said "you want fries with that?"  he said, "no thanks, i don't eat beef."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         on our third date my now-husband told me what he liked about me:  "i bragged to all my friends that i found a girl that likes sex and does drugs. i'm so lucky."  ah, sweet romance.  
  It wasn't late, 1:22 Eastern, but I needed to sleep.  I'd slurped twice the recommended dose of walmart brand nyquil.  My girlfriend told me she was going over to her ex-boyfriend's house to watch a movie.  I had to piss pretty bad; I drink two gallons of water a day.  I stumbled into the bathroom without turning on the light and started.  I couldn't hear the familiar sound of piss and water.  My legs were getting wet.  "Oh" I thought, "the lid's down."    
  It is about two thirty in the morning and I'm craving a few cones...Seeing as I can't exactly disturb my dealer I decide to brave the streets with $20 buck in my pocket. I put on my coat and step out. Eventually I find a bunch of teenage boys in the park sharing around a bottle of cheap rum, they are dressed up to the nines in FUBU even though they are all white and swearing at each other. I approach them and ask, "Selling any weed boys?" The all look at me, then each other and fucking run like hell....hey they dropped their rum. score.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's raining and cold as fuck, but I still need a cigarette and my college put into effect a new rule prohibiting smoking in the dorms. So I'm smoking a drenched clove cigarette wearing my black trenchcoat while my black eyeliner and black lipstick melt from my face.  I should mention that I go to one of the most prestigious all-women colleges in the country. Barbara Bush went here.  Then I realise:  I'm a gothic transexual smoking in front of the dorm where Mrs. Bush, herself, lived.  She can suck my prosthetic cock.  
  me and my friend are gonna start a new spin-off show for HBO: sex in the ghetto. there's gonna be lots of baby mama drama, weed smokin, crack slingin, train hoppin, chain blingin, glock bustin, cat fightin and nonsense. lots of good rough sex too. most of it's gonna be filmed in the projects of the bronx, brooklyn, and harlem.   i can't wait. they'll be single mamas, and instead of going out to lot 61 like carrie and her girls, and drinkin fuckin cosmopolitans, either they go to some club and smoke trees, or chill at the park with some forties....then take the train to their current man's crib and get down in the bathroom or some shit, since that's the only room that doesn't have mad heads up in it already....  well, that's how it goes for me, mostly. sex in the ghet-to. and damn, there'd be so much more fuckin drama. and better lookin guys.   
  if anyone has ever seen the "bulletproof legs" act on conan o'brian: one day, greg, jake, corey, and i were leaving jack in the box. greg was singing "i've got bulletproof legs" very, very loud, and was jumping all around. as we are walking, we hear "mumble, mumble, bulletproof legs" and look to our right where an old man is helping an old woman out of a van. the woman is being hoisted down in her wheelchair by way of the van's wheelchair - lift, 4 feet away.  
   Hadrian's Wall  Weird little one, here. I'm a probation officer, working with some disturbed and incarcerated kids. We go out on some Outward Bound kinda thing, deep into the English wilderness. We walk along Hadrian's Wall, then settle down for the night in some tiny little ancient shack. We light a fire to get warm. Works fine. We're seven miles away from anywhere, and astonishing amounts of Nature are all around us, but we get bored.  In the pitch-dark, on foot, without a flashlight, we navigate our way seven miles to the nearest pub. Oh yeah -- it was also raining hard. We're the hit of the evening. They've never seen such entertainment before. Some girls want to come back with us to party, but they decline after we explain that they'd have to walk through seven miles of dark, marshy ground. So we staggered back through seven miles of dark, marshy ground, and actually found our cabin again. I like to think that I did those guys some good. I would really like to think that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         21, never really had sex, hair all over my body, arabic, overweight, ugly nipple because of an infected piercing years ago, no job, asshole drunk.  I guess if I lost a limb I could be even more unattractive.  
  I volunteer at a soup kitchen in Pennsylvania whenever I spend time visiting my grandparents. The last time I went, I must have been the youngest (and prettiest, but that's no surprise,) thing there, because I had a bunch of older men (older meaning having been retured for ages,not "ripe and tasty" older,) offering to show me the right way to chop broccoli, shuck corn, and all that fun stuff.   I made *every* one of those old men blush.   I really am a flirt.   I also love hearing stories about when they were in the service.    
  Another converstation with a co-worker (different one) -  Her - So you're a man hater, huh? Me - No. Actually, I find the male of the species extrememly entertaining. They're so incredibly shallow, you can't help but laugh at them. They definitely have a place in life just for that purpose; uh, along with inpregating us women so we can continue the human race.  
  For a brief time between smashing up the Volvo and getting the car I now have a friend let me use his ancient Toyota van. You know...the kind with the motor under the seat? It smelled way funny in there...what with all the lovely aromas from the engine wafting up into it. It also had this really funny bumper sticker on the back window, with a skull. I asked a friend from work to put some boxes into it and he came back with my keys and said, "Man, that's a serial killer van".   The name stuck. It died, a horrible death on 880 S that involved the loss of breaks and yet MORE smell, but still....it was a Serial Killer Van.     
  Bong Blunders...  It was summer and I was living la ghetto vida.  My girlfriends and I, in celebration of my separation from my husband, were becoming regulars at all the bars in town.  One night, needing to let our livers drain out, we decided to just grab my old blue double-chambered bong and take him for a ride down by Ross Lake.  We went to the lake, bonged ourselves stupid, and then drove back in town looking for trouble.  We arrived at a friend's house, packed up a fresh bong load and started passing old blue around.  Someone in the rotation noticed something funny-looking inside the bong.  We all approached to investigate, only to discover, to our horror, a family of maggots living in my bong.  The bong had set out for two weeks in my hot-ass house and apparently a fly decided that the stinky chambers made a perfect egg-laying nest.    I don't touch old blue now, but everytime I see my husband dragging off of blue, I get some sweet revenge.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         got blazed, went to get bbq with my roommate.  already finished the chips & salsa and midway through my burger the waitress says "everything come out ok?" and i think to myself "don't get ahead of yourself.  i won't know that until at least an hour or two."  turns out it was closer to 30 minutes.  pfoooomm.  
  you splooge on your hand at your computer and you don't wanna get any on your clothes because you plan on wearing them out later on so you precariously balance that puddle on the side of your hand as you reach for the towel  then after all that valiant effort a few drops made it to your fresh pants that you now regret not taking off beforehand (   have you ever sat back and considered how many lowbrow moments concern masturbation  
  I pride myself that it takes a lot to perturb me and disturb my equanimity.  I'm also comfortable around just about anybody.  I'm completely opaque to what colour somebody is.  I can spend very pleasant time even with religious nuts and NRA maniacs and other people I completely disagree with.  I could brag on for a while, but this is lowbrow after all, so:  Ten years ago, I stopped on the road into Ithaca to give a guy a ride.  'Cept she was a woman. With a full, black beard.   Very pleasant, she was, and we had an interesting conversation about everything under the sun except for beards.  Ten years later, I still get the skin-crawling, creeping heebie-jeebies just thinking about her.  
  Grocery clerk entry #3:  The same people that are too fucking lazy to walk 50 feet to put their shopping carts back will shell out several hundred dollars a year for a fucking gym membership.  
  The other week I passed up an S&M themed event to sit around and play board games with a few friends.  I had a great time.  I didn't go to a Halloween party this year.  At the last party I went to, people served wine and cheese and listened to French popular music from the first half of the twentieth century.  What the hell is happening to me?  
  I stopped wearing underwear completely for over a year; it's one more thing to wash, and really not all that necesary.  I'm much more comfortable without it anyhow.  Since I started reading lowbrow, I wear underwear religiously.  
  Two quotes from the first (and last) time we had sex:  Me: Can I get a blow job? Her: Why don't you want to put it in me? Afraid of getting a disease?  later  Her: (grabbing my dick): Why don't you fire this thing up and do me again?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have psoriasis, which, while completely harmless, means that I have large sores all over my body that don't heal for years.  When I go out, I have to make sure to clean up the trail of dead skin I leave behind.  Once, I went a couple of weeks without sweeping my room.  It looked like a volcano went off, with all that dead skin   
  It's true. I  stretch my  penis in the  shower. It may  not do any  good, but I can  dream, can't I?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         fuck, fuck, fuck a duck,  screw a kangaroo,  fingerbang an orangatang,  support your local zoo!  --Best if recited in Shatner style--  
  So...hopped in the elevator at work today.  It was empty, so I rip one as the door is closing... My boss reaches through the closing elevator doors with a "glad I made it" look on his face, which was all too quickly replace with a look of "holy shit!"  I tried to mimick the same face, but it was useless.  He knew it was me.  ...alas, there is no perfect crime...  
  i recently realized that i would loathe a good majority of my family if i weren't obligated by some unseen force to love them.   especially my sister. the selfish, manipulative, materialistic, hep little slut.  
  I was walking with k12, both coughing up shit from smoking so much. he offers the idea of the many and varied places we've left our saliva.  I think it started in sweden. that's the first time I remember spitting. I think of all the places I;'ve coughed up phlegm.   I also measure my travels by the places I've jerked off in.  I've done that shit in some odd places.  
  I walked over to the grocery store.   "Do you have tiramisu in a carton?" I said. "Yes," the guy said. "Well you'd better let him out!!" I said.  Fuck Prince Albert.  Who the fuck is Prince Albert.  My girlfriend says I should feel lucky that a guy like me with such a small dick could ever get laid.        
  Mr Turbo craves romatic adventure woman.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote yeah yeah ive been all through that fuck chain and all i got was this golfball sized lip sore and a bunch of bitchy voice mails endquote         
  one of my many joys while working at the marina... keeping the bathrooms locked and watching people try to get in. added plus... new profanity. Those Quebecois bastards really know how to let them fly.   
  I was at a strip club, in Virginia where they have to wear panties and bra, when looking across the T shaped stage I notice one of the dancers sitting on a table. She was talking to some friends and raised her legs up a bit and it became evident that she was wearing no panties under her short leather skirt. Facinated (I am always facinated by pussy, no matter how much I see it) I make eye contact and smile. She proceeds to give me a beaver show from across the room. I am enjoying myself. She drifts over to my side of the bar,and as she walks past, I touch her arm and aske her "Did you forget to put on your panties again"? She smiles sweetly and says she loves the way it feels. She sits down on the stool next to me and we chat for awhile as she gives me covert peeks at her pussy. I compliment her on the beauty of her pussy lips. The pudgy little neo-maxi-zoom-dweeby in the stool on the other side of her is about to simultaneously pull his joint out and start flogging while having a stroke. In pent up sexual frustration he forces his way into the conversation hoping to charm her with his steamed up glasses, sweat shiny face and stale beer breath. Soon, she must get up to dance her set. He says to me "She was showing us her pussy! That was bare pussy!" To him I say, "No shit". I did not get to fuck her, but neither did he.  
  i spend most of my time sitting on the heater.  i  wonder if things would improve if i started  fucking the landlord  
  I was once caught by the Atlanta Police Department taking a piss in the drive-through of a (closed) bank.  Luckily, my date was the son of Atlanta's Vice Spaud commander, so we got off without even a field sobriety test.       
  Los Angeles smog is good for my face... I never break out there.  I think the acne gets scared by the lack of oxygen.  Of course, I come back to Florida and *Bam*, there they are.  In force.  Fucking humidity.  
  "Ya know, I think you girls should watch your mother and I make love one of these times." Disturbing bit of my history courtesy of one of my mom's lowbrow boyfriends.  I was 15 and my sister was 11.  He was in his 40's.  Eww.   
  So 4 of us are hanging out at my friend s house the summer after my sophomore year in college.  My friend's dad is on vacation for 3 weeks, so the 4 of us are holding a 3 week party, drinking beer whenever we are awake.  Anyway, I hear the phone in the bedroom ring (this phone would ring just a couple of seconds before the phones in the kitchen and living room would ring).  I say, 'telephone' (I am apparently the only one who heard the bedroom phone ring).    You should have seen the looks on the faces of my friends when the phone rang not 2 seconds later.  They asked me how I knew the phone was going to ring.  I told them, "I don't know, sometimes I just get a feeling that the phone is going to ring".  They talked about that the rest of the summer, bringing it up to anyone we partied with.  They have never been more fascinated by anything in their lives.   
  At a party with a few of our friends, drunk off our asses, music is blaring - the usual fun stuff. My brother-in-law starts making out with one of the girls there (who had just kicked her boyfriend out for being an asshole...) and they are going at it hot and heavy.  They take a break for a smoke and more beer, at which point he confesses to me, "I sure hope she doesn't want to have sex later - I jerked off five times today and I don't think I can get it up!"  Too much info, bro...too much info.  
  With deference and all due respect to sorry_e_e and the rest (sorry actually had the decency to respond my email), I think anyone over 30 should abandon the whole long-hair/pony-tail thing.  Most rocker/celeb types can't even pass this coiff off anymore.  What makes you think you can? Doubly or even triply so for those thinning on top.  To further my campaign I've decided to have a bunch of business cards printed up that say "Don't stop a-rockin', dude!" on them.  I will hand them out to random strangers who fit this bill.  Most of them will not get the sarcasm.  
  i'm sitting in front of the computer trying to study for a test. if i get an answer right i can read another lowbrow moment.  
  I said the phrase "That's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it" semi-seriously today.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one of the joys of being a grownup is  that i now live in a small, cold city in a  little rented cottage with an outside  toilet.  when you use it in the middle  of the night, and you turn around to  flush......the bowl is invariably filled  with steam.  i find this disturbing.   very disturbing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were laying in bed and he told me:  "If you can think it, someone's doing it".  Jesus.  That means there is some really nasty shit going on out there.       
  "If you ignore them, they will come"  Funny, I used that principle for 6 years, and all I ever got out of it was a forearm muscle you could break diamonds on.  ~TheLiquorman  
  Right after having sex, my boyfriend turned to the computer to read lowbrow while I "cleaned up."  That's not the only part of this lowbrow.  We saw a post aboot how sauteed mushrooms smell like sex. I actually thought aboot it, took a deep whiff, and my room smells nothing like sauteed mushrooms.  However, now he wants sauteed mushrooms.   Do I take that literally, or is there some hidden message?  
  Cell phones...    Today I called my GF from the stall at work, just to say "hey baby, I am pooping"     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roommate informs me that there is a chip product called "munchies."  it consists of all salty chip varieties (sun chips, doritos, lays, etc).  i just loaded up my hooka.  my god, my  night is booked.  
  junior year of high school.  my boyfriend had come up to see me one night.  we were foolin' around on the steps of the library, and i'd straddled one of his legs.  nothing heavy went on, and he eventually went home.  i went upstairs to find out i'd started my period.  "phew," i thought, "good thing we didn't try to do anything.  he woulda been grossed out." the other day i remembered the second half of the story.  thin pants, no underwear.  i probably bled all up and down his leg.  grossed out, indeed.  
  I used to get daily porn story emails in my yahoo account. I have always remembered one.... the plot: guy walk into a fast food place right before closing, orders food, and the "hot chic" behind the counter asks "would you like to try a taco" and he responds "I'd like to try your hair taco" Hot chic looks at other hot chic employee and then they fuck the guy.  Does anyone else see what is wrong with this story?? First of all, what is one hot chic, let alone 2, doing workin at a fast food place? Second, would you fuck a guy that used the term "hair taco"?   It's kind of sad, they don't send me the daily porn story anymore >:(  
  So I work at this kind of health/grocery store and this woman comes up to me and asks "can you show me where your nuts are?"    I just pointed and walked.  
  One of my favorite pastimes (between clicks) is to read the section of YahooNews entitled "Oddly Enough."  My current favorite: Blood and Guts on Menu for Romania Dracula Park. Romania plans to build the park near the Transylvanian town of Sighisoara, birthplace of 15th century Romanian Vlad the Impaler, who inspired Bram Stoker's "Dracula."  A local priest commented: "This place will be invaded by those who practice satanic rites and by drugs. I already saw satanic graffiti in our cemetery," Come on, I fall into all 3 of these catigories, but people... Stereotypes!  
  At that moment, the view of San Francisco was beautiful.  Too bad the stench of urine obscured the view.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  why in the midst of fucking, do guys feel the need to crone I LOVE YOU. ugh.  
  New York City is great!  I'm from the Bay Area, so I'm pretty much surrounded by tree-hugging hippie liberals who kinda like the whole human race (it may not seem like it, but go to NYC.  You can tell the difference.)  Someone asks to bum a cigarette from you here and you say no, they'll say "Aw, it's cool" or something similar, mentally dub you an asshole and go on their way.  If they say anything under their breath, that's crossing the line.  I had a bum follow me for 3 blocks in NYC, screaming at me, cussing, damning my mother, and even brought in the family dog (I don't have a dog, the moron) when I refused to give him a smoke.  That's the way I like to live: let the asshole who won't bum you a smoke have it with both barrels!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got hammered last weekend. First time I've had Alcohol poisoning in years.  But.  I subscribe to the wisdom that "every now and then you need to go out and get really fucked up, just so you know why you shouldn't".  Wise words.  
  becoming angry at the macintosh i start shaking the thing and yelling at it  "holy jesus" yells the wannabe bible beating little brat on the otherside of the computer room.  i turn around and reply angrily  "The only holy thing about jesus are the holes in his feet and the holes in his hands"  that shut her up  
  I thought it was funny when that M+M guy was on the grammies with Elton John live and someone kept trying to bleep out the cuss words but he was rapping so fast that they'd hit the bleeper a half second too late and bleep the next word he said. I bet they even got a list telling them where to bleep the bleeper. It sounded like they gave up after a while. Swearing is funny.  
        So I picked-up this fotry somthing, anoying and short, with a young face at the bar.  I was twenty.   Then to my place, drink, song, then to fukin.  She says; "not without a rubber."  and after twenty or so minutes of coaxing I put my shit on and drive to the store.  Bought the things and drove back. Dik all soft, buzz allmost gone.  Shes lying there nearly naked in my bed. I think, 'Definetly old enough to be mama.' she's attractive in that your about to get some, no matter what, kind of way.  So we screw and Ill be damned if she didnt   have   a   third nipple.   YUP right there on the left breast.          
  Sitting at my desk fri morning...hung over and feeling like crap after a night out with co workers..which ended with me having sex with the guy who sits next to me.... and tripping cause I feel more guilty for cheating on my boyfriend than I do for cheating on my husband....   
  So I lay there in his bed, with his post-coital self draped across me.  His face mashed against mine.  I could see right up his nose.  There were some hairs and some random detritus in his nostril.  He snored gently.  Later, I went to the bathroom and brought myself off quietly, so as not to disturb him.  
  one day, in the morning, a water pipe thing near my school broke, meaning we didn't have any water.  the people running my school (being the geniuses they are) decided to lock all the bathrooms, preventing anyone from using water.  i had no problems, i've learned not to use the bathroom at school.  unfortunately, this happened to be about the time that anyone on a sports team decided to drink only water.  me being the nice person i am, i sat next to a guy on the wrestling team in third hour... leaned next to him and started whispering... "drip... drip... drip..."  you should've seen the look on his face...  
  if you ever turn down sex with a cute girl because of things like morals or guilt or ethics or lack of confidence or any of that shit (or just about any other reason known to man), you'll hate yourself the next time you feel horny. trust me. i tell you, when i die, i better have scored some huge bonus points with heaven or i'm gonna be pissed...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Longbrow Limbo Moment About Cats  (if none of that makes sense, just click [reload] -- it's OK, don't worry about it)  I really like cats, even thought I've strangled one, stoned the brains out of another, and drowned two.  Don't get horrified -- there were very good reasons for at least three of the four.  So when my stepdaughter walks home with a strange cat in tow, I'm interested. She rubs against our legs, purring constantly, then makes herself comfortable on the good couch.  Wife: "We're watching a replay of how cats originally became domesticated."  Me: No -- we're watching a replay of how humans originally became domesticated. They mustn't have been hungry that night, though."  We call her Blanche DuBois, of course (after the hooker-sister in "A Streetcar Named Desire" who's famous line is (add the Southern accent): "I've always relied on the kindness of strangers.")  Very neat, for two days. She completely entrances my 5 year-old, sleeping on his belly... ...then she proceeds to viciously evict my two longtime cat-partners, while purring constantly in our direction.  Then the boy pisses her off by sitting up while she is asleep, so she takes a small chunk out of his face, close to an eye.  He's really attached, so I approach the topic delicately: "Um, Wig -- the other kitties are not happy with the new one..."  Wig: "I know. I want her to vanish."  I plan it for the next morning, but when I get home from the brewpub that night, my wife says: "I took care of it."  Me: "?"  Wife: "I wrapped it in a blanket, stuffed it in the trunk, and took it to the Ames parking lot across the river. When I opened the trunk, it went   sproing   about ten feet in the air and vanished across the parking lot in two seconds."  Now I'm scanning the "Found" ads to see if I recognise it -- if I see it, I'll call the people and tell them they're welcome to it, as long as they don't have pets or children.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I am staying at "Blake's" a very posh hotel in West London where rock stars frequently stay. I asked a very very good friend to drop off something to smoke. So he put it in an envelope and left it for me at the front desk. "Envelope? What envelope?" say the smarmy fucker of a desk clerk has obviously pinched it.  Of course this a a rather awkward situation. I can't very well tell the cops, however, their rock-star clientele would be mondo upset if they knew the hotel was in the habit of pinching their stash. So be forewarned...trust and scrupuluousness are rapidly vanishing commodities.      
       why is it that the abridged dictionary removes the words i wish to look up?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We sit in Social Studies class talking of world starvation. A nice little discussion. A large chubby arm is raised into the air. The resident fat girl of the grade decides to speak. She begins: "I dont want to make any assumptions, becuase ive never been in a situation where I didnt get enough to eat, but...." The entire class supresses laughter. she really walked into that one. heh.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was sitting at the bar talking to a friend of mine, when the girl sitting next to me strikes up a conversation.  Being a pretty pathetic sort, this doesn't happen to me often, but I handle it well.  My small talk is working (a rarity, indeed), and we're having a nice conversation.  My thoughts turn to the possibility of sexual relations with this rather attractive girl (Rachel was her name) when this guy she recognized walks in.  "Oh, my God, I went to high school with him," she said.  We talk for a while longer (my ability to small talk has never held up this long) when she mentions that the guy is looking at her.  I encourage her to go tell him hello.  She finally agrees, saying "I hope he doesn't think he can come on to me just because I went to school with him and am going to talk to him."  Don't worry about that, I tell her.  Just go say hi, then come on back, and I'll buy you another beer.  She leaves.  I turn to my friend and talk for a couple of minutes.  I turn back to see what Rachel was up to.  She's making out with the guy at the bar.  Am I that big a loser, or is she that big a slut?  I'm probably that big a loser.  
  Sixth grade picnic, end of the school year.  Having a squirt gun war around the house and barn of one of the girls in my class.  My gun runs empty and I find a bucket of water beside the house.  I stick my gun and hand in the water and Colleen (whose house it was) runs up and shreiks "eeew that isnt water! It's dog drool!" It really was.  It oozed off of my hand like a hideous dream sequence.  Though I knew they owned a basset hound or some other slobbery dog Ive never been able to properly explain to myself why the fuck they had a bucket of its drool.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was a bleach spot on the brown shag carpet in our old house, but it was hidden most of the time, so I didn't really think about it. One day, I asked my father what had caused the light spot, and he laughed and told me that when I was a toddler I peed there and covered it up with pillows so nobody would find out. They didn't notice it in time to save the carpet.  
  Not too long after my mother died of alzheimer's, my father got a girlfriend.  He hadn't had any for years and had kind of lost the knack.  So medicare fixed him hp with this contraption that included a rather painful o-ring that fit around the base of his dick and a clear plastic pump.  He had to put his unit in the tube, pump it up--sort of a vacuum suck job--then at the right level of woodiness, roll that o-ring off to maintain the pressure.  Sort of a tourniquet.  I have often wondered if this is a truly effective method.  I think it might be too much trouble for me.  Anyway, he still has the girl friend.  They are both 85.  
  If you don't like someone, bring them to Starbucks and order them a Caramel Frappucino. Largest size available. Then smoke a few cigarettes with them. Fun will ensue.  For the un-in-the-know:  Nicotene + Caffiene + Cream + Carmel(more cream) + Whipped Cream = Shit your pants fun. Every one of these is a natural laxative.  
  My friend Jenn Jenn was telling me how at school, in New York City, her and her friends got high one time and talked to the crazy man across the street that now wants to kill her old room mate. She said he usually talks to himself but they were so backed they started talking to him on their way back to their dorm from the munchies run. It made me think, what if they paired up all the crazy people in the city that talk to themselves. Then they would walk around together and look like they're having actual conversations. Hey cause everybody knows being in New York City means always knowing where your purse or wallet is. Just trying to help out!  
  So I'm at this coffeshop I frequent, and a couple of regular customers from my work are there. We start talking, and come to find out they know my step-family. When I told them my evil stepbrother would be getting out of prison in a week or so, a girl sitting with them said "I have one of those." "An evil stepbrother?" "Yeah." When she told me he was locked up too, I asked who he was, saying the two of them probably knew each other. It turns out not only did they know each other, but had robbed houses together, and her evil stepbrother had been one of my friends for a while. Then I blurt out the reason I hate him now, because he raped one of my best friends. That's when the woman sitting next to her said "He's my son." Oh. Open mouth, insert foot...  
  I know this guy who really hated his boss.  One night he decides to eat 5 or 6 whole bulbe of roasted garlic, and have a big gassy lunch the next day.  One of his co-workers was also in on it.  The next day, after holding in all that gas all morning, while the boss was out to lunch, they went into his private office, shut the door, and LET LOOSE!  When they figured he's be back soon, they left, closing the door tightly behind them.  
  Episode I: BUZZED  Started at that backsteet pub that will cash your paycheck for the price of a beer. A guy was reading a newspaper article about the new incinerator, I made some offhand comment about more pork-barrel tax-and-spend government. Turns out he was the project superintendent and immediately went to work tearing me a new one. I bought him a couple to shut him up, didn't work.  
  Once jerked off in a tanning bed thinking about the thirteen-year old girl whose job it was to wipe the sweat off the beds after the patrons had gotten a good high dosage of UV.   
  i fell asleep very, very drunk the other night.  i woke up sometime in the very early morning -- maybe about four -- with the dire need to urinate.  it should be noted that all of the following is a fairly regular occurrence in my life.  the thing is, while i'm in the bathroom, i notice that my boxers are somewhat wet.  it should be pointed out that this is *not* a regular occurrence.  in fact, it falls into the "never happened before, honest" category.  i never was quite sure if i pissed myself or not.  i'm pretty sure i'm happy enough leaving it a mystery.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We went to Blockbuster and rented Snatch, but returned it because my stupid friend couldn't understand the cockney accent. We got Private Parts instead.  Sexual Innuendo is sexual innuendo for "sexual in yo end, ho".  
  The woman behind me in the checkout line had Always Ultra-Thin Maxis with Wings and two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I smiled knowingly at her.  She looked at my Playtex Gentle Glide and Three Musketeers bar and smiled back.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Toothpaste is  either stripey  or not. Never polka  dot.  
  My guy and I were shopping in the Forum Shops. We sauntered into the Express store, and I stopped in my tracks.  "Shit, will you look at those beautiful nipples!" I squealed as I pointed at the mannequin. I wanted to lick them.  
  In the grocery store tonight, I was in the frozen food section and a middle-aged guy and a younger alterna-girl were nearby.  The girl walks a distance away and the guy calls out to her,"Sparkles!".  This name triggers a long ago memory in me.   I look up at him and ask, "Did you just say 'Sparkles?'"  He looks at me blankly for a moment, then starts to walk away.  I say, "It's just that I haven't heard that name in years.  When was little my babysitter's name was Sparkles..." The guy nods almost imperceptibly and quickly puts more distance between us, making it quite clear that he thinks my random thoughts are best left in my head.  For some reason I suddenly felt embarrassed.  Is the line between being gregarious and being creepy really that blurred?  
  Sign that my (first) marriage should end #24:  She: "I suppose I'd better let you, so you won't go out and rape someone."  
  Never underestimate the power of a well-timed "Fuck you", especially when those damn religious yahoos come to the door. If you say it quietly enough, they might ask you to repeat it. Then smile sweetly and slam the door in their face. Also, helps if you answer the door near-naked.  
  Here's Lowbrow.  On Friday I sent the link to an amusing, totally clean, film clip to a group of 2-3 friends and several very slight acquaintences who all work at the same company.  I started getting really strange responses on Monday a.m.  Come to find out the link had gotten redirected over the weekend...and I ended up sending a group of near-strangers to a XXX Cumshot fetish site.  The fool got me again.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at a live chat with my favorite actress, Alyssa Milano. one person joins and says, "I've stopped doing my homework so i could be here right now." Alyssa responded, "You should do your work. I like smart guys." The guy promptly left the chat room.  what an idiot.  
  If this blister on my hand was caused my masterbating. Do you honestly think I would be able to walk...Jackass...  
  The voices in my head unanimously agree:  Your flesh is yummie.  
  Mexican fast food joint near the office, there's a girl behind the counter that consistantly gives me pause to wonder.  Sixteen-ish, bone thin, bee stings, stringy black hair, pasty white, timid and generally mousy beyond description. Here's the icing; she's a dead ringer for Todd Rundgren.  Having grown up with three sisters, I'm aware how turbulent adolescence can be for a girl. Insecurity in their ability to meet percieved societal standards for popularity and attractiveness combined with the dilemma of remaining a 'good girl' vs giving in to biological urges, toss in some random neuroses and you've got a sleigh ride through the gates of hell.  She probably doesn't need the Rundgren look on top of all that. Sad.  Here's how I offer encouragement, time after time: "Could I get some super-hot with that?"  
  Her: "Did you ever think you would be dating a nice Christian girl?" Me: "You don't really qualify as a nice Christian girl." Her: "Why not?" Me: Because Christian girls don't give amazing head to guys they've been dating for six weeks."  
  No matter what clothes you wear, who you hang out with, what music you listen to, whatever, you cannot seem cool while wearing bowling shoes.  
  I collect weapons and shit like that. Several years ago I bought a kevlar flak jacket that is supposed to stop a 12 gauge shell.   I tried to get some of my friends to shoot me and see if it worked. Of course they wouldn't.  Probably good anyway, they are shitty marksman.....  
  i love it when a guy in a suit whos ass has gotten shiney cos the polyester has melted under the pressure of inactivity tells you in his bad toupee that you should get a hair cut and a real job        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Alright a friend of mine is really into the ricer thing. I am talking by a ten thousand dollar car and put another ten thousand in plastic on it. Didn't do anything to the engine but damn that plastic makes it look cool and he put an awesome sound system in it. So fast forward a ways i am throwing a party. As a joke after said friend gets drunk we place some bach in his cd player. Bach you idiot classical music for those of you to dumb to know that. So what happens in the morning. Gets in his ricer turns the volume way up and starts the car. Damn i miss those days  
  Guys want chicks that are sweet and innocent that will be good partners but can be on the nasty side in bed.  It works both ways men.  As much as you like it when I tell you I want you to f**k me harder and deeper, that I want to feel your tongue, your lips pressed firmly on me, tasting me, taking in every sip, I like to hear you say ~ I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY ~ that is what you want to do.    I want YOU to randomly call me up during the day and talk dirty to me while I can't speak in front of others.  I want to come home and YOU meet me at the door and slowly unbutton my blouse, leaving a trail of clothes to the bedroom, bathroom, shower, etc.  Taking me, leading me, into a room where YOU take control.  I want you to tell me what you want, what you need, what you crave.  Why does it always have to be me?  It makes me feel like you don't desire me as much as I desire you.  Is it that I don't turn you on as much anymore?    
  If you're driving much too fast down a narrow side street...  If you see kids of a drawing class sitting on the sides of the street...  and you don't slow down, just honk and speed up...  then when that last kid flips out his pocket knife and, unknown to you, scrapes it along the side of your car as you pass,  maybe you deserved it.  
  the gossip in Variety will go on for months....sorry e e is to be played by tobey maguire and there will be a huge search for the right ladeefrickin once drew barrymore pulls out at the last minute to go into rehab...the happy meal toys will be very wet turds in little plastic tubs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know I've been performing well beyond the call of duty in the sack when my girlfriend asks me if I'm able to finish faster, as if it takes some sort of special effort to hump as hard as I can and only worry about what I want.  Damn I was happy to hear that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Can I use your lighter".  "Only if you respect it in the morning."  
  Jacking off to some great double penetration videos on my computer.  Two cheerleaders decide to visit me.  I'm high as hell, hard as a rock, and I'm like, fuck, I have to go great them.  One is kinda ugly, the other is slamming.  Pull and tuck baby, pull and tuck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A truly lowbrow moment...  I have actually crashed into my own two car garage and knocked it down...  Don't ask please don't ask.....      
  "blah, blah, blah, stop staring at my breasts"  You know, if every man had his genitals square in the middle of his chest, forming a distinct outline under his shirt for all the world to see, every last one of you she-devils would do the exact same thing.  Case closed.    
  getting stopped by the police and busted for a $3.00 bad check warrant - $750.00  getting strip searched and finger waved because of all the parafenalia you have in your pockets and wallet - embarassing  smoking the 3 roaches in the jail cell  that you had in the pockets of your Kangaroos (running shoes with pockets) that they missed - priceless  
  I grew up in a small Southern town and it wasn't very cosmopolitan.  For example, there were more than a few people who refused to eat "foreign" food like pizza and spaghetti.  
  I read in a study that 80% of colds and flus enter the body through the nose and eyes. So now I wash my hands before I pick my nose.  
  I use MSG as a seasoning. Pretty tasty.        
  In all the quality time I've spent with acid I never did get to enjoy a visualization plug-in.  
  The woman stood in front of the mirror, pumping weights. She stopped mid-set to adjust the strategically-wisped ponytail on top of her head, and check her lipstick. I noticed she was only lifting two-pound weights.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Some assholes were making fun of our conversation in a restaurant tonight, so when they left the table for a minute, I spit chewed up chicken into the sleeve of one of their jackets.  That felt really good.  Wish I'd been there for the discovery, but they rode up on motorcycles.  Wouldn't have been smart to hang around.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I let out a real floater of a fart in Chem class the other day. A nasty one, too. It moved forward, and I was at the back of the room, so it hit everyone in the two rows in front of me (5 guys) and just barely missed my friend right next to me. It was quasi-supernatural. I could practically see it moving through the air. First it hit the kid in front of me, who turned around waving a hand in front of his nose. I started to snicker when the kid next to him turned around to, and then the kid in front of him, and then the two guys in front of the first kid all turning around. They all knew who it came from because I was laughing my ass off.  
  i finally got a desk near a window.  the sun shines, the breeze blows.  i'm one of the lucky ones  just outside the window, a huge chimney or stack of some sort rises out of the ground.  it isn't near any buildings.  it continuously spews smoke into the air, day and night.  sometimes i have fun imagining what might be down there breathing so hard   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I was talking with a guy recently who told me about the time he and his friends decided to make some napalm.  Apparently, it's not that difficult -- all you need is do is mix some gasoline and styrofoam together. Anyway, they made a whole bunch of it, but once they finished, they couldn't figure out what to use it on.  I can just imagine this group of stoners sitting around, listening to Slayer and asking each other:  "Guys, what are we going to do with all this napalm?"  Eventually, I guess, they poured it into an outdoor metal grill, and completely melted it.  
  Her:  "I don't know, it's kind of love-hate."  Me:  "You say that like it's a bad thing."  
  News of another airplane crash.  "Such a tragedy... so many lives lost."   No one ever considers that some of those passengers might have been pedophiles.  Or wife beaters.  Or Republicans.  Hard to mourn those bastards under any circumstances.  
  One of those girls who has everything figured out.  She wears her hair in a ponytail when it's dirty.  She wears an jumpsuit w/o underwear when she takes her washload to the laundromat, so she can wash all her clothes at once.  I don't know any good tricks.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "how long have you been playing?" the hot blond chick asked, amazed.  my ex-boyfriend smiled up at her. "about four months," he said. this was the moment of truth. was i a friend or a bitchy, jealous ex-girlfriend? "yeah, if you don't count the three years of lessons you took in high school," i interjected.  that's what he gets for calling  me  a lesbian.  
  There are nude pictures of me floating around the Black Rock neighborhood of Bridgeport, Connecticut.  Every so often, I'll meet someone new and they'll say, "Hey, I saw the pictures..."  I need to either stop drinking or drink a lot more.  
  The first time i ever gave a guy a blow job was when i was 16. I really didn't know what i was doing, but from the noise that was going on i suspected that i was doing it right. When i got home later that night i went straight away to brush my teeth. And i got to thinking about the other girls that he had been with. and i started brushing really hard. i even started gargling with water and toothpaste. I picked up the toothpaste thing and read the back. 'Protects against tooth decay and fights plaque'  Me:"What about the guy you just a blow job to's ex-girlfriends!"  
  my friend mike proceeded to piss all over the side of my friend rigis.  we were at school, completly sober.  he just walked up to him and pissed all over him.  mike doesnt hang around rigis anymore  rigis wants to get him drunk and then hold him down and shit in his mouth  i hope im there for that    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were in the gallery admiring the SLAW collection, "twin engines" to be exact we didnt see the woman come into the room and were quit startled when she asked have you seen two little boys up here just us was the answer  
  i started working at this company five months ago. about a week after i started, i realized this guy who had stalked me all winter (and i mean, go thru odd lengths to find my number call me show up 'accidentally' where i was hanging out) also works here.   I've successfully avoided him for the past few months. i think he's a bit embarressed.   This girl just transfered to my department, and i start seeing him all the time. It dawns on me tonight that this is because this girl is his girlfriend. they've been going out for awhile and everything. He doesn't seem to want to make a lot of eye contact with me.do i tell her her boyfriend had this mildly annoing habit of stalking me for a few months back there?  (mustnotruinotherpeopleshappylivesmustnotruinotherpeopleshappylives....)  
  DO NOT use bread yeast to make your own hard cider.  You'll end up pissing out your ass 15 minutes after you drink the stuff.  If you don't believe me, just ask my best friend who served as guinea pig for my "home brew"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my dad and i were out painting once, right near a field where there were horses. we were standing there with our nice paper and our nice brushes and admiring the pretty blue sky and the pretty clouds and the horsies running.  then, one of the horses farted.  we still talk about it.  
  Meeting my GF's dad for the first time.  It was a long converation that included the two following pearls...  "The Dove may be the bird of peace, but the swallow is the bird of love!"  "Underage my ass! If she's old enough to crawl, she's in the right position."  The girl is long gone, but I still remember the wisdom.  
  Sitting at a table, eating lunch with Katie and Kenzie.  Katie complains about being unable to eat junk food because of Lent.  She says that she isn't allowed to eat any junk food except ice cream and chocolatebecause she can't live without those. Me: Ice cream isn't really junk food.  It has many redeeming qualities. Katie: Like what? Me: It is just brimming with calcium.  You need calcium.  So ice cream is an integral part of the diet. Katie: It's still junk food. Me: No.  Real junk food has no redeeming qualities.  Like potato chips. Kenzie: Potato chips have redeeming qualities. Me: Like what? Kenzie: Fat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Episode I: BUZZED  Started at that backsteet pub that will cash your paycheck for the price of a beer. A guy was reading a newspaper article about the new incinerator, I made some offhand comment about more pork-barrel tax-and-spend government. Turns out he was the project superintendent and immediately went to work tearing me a new one. I bought him a couple to shut him up, didn't work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there's a guy at my school, Mike T. the teacher was calling off the next performers on the sign-up list, but didn't have his glasses on and couldn't read the writing. "Next drummer...um...looks like Mullet.  Anyone here named Mullet...or have a mullet perhaps?" we now call Mike T. "Mullet" ... the irony is that Mike T. is bald. i swear, all the cool nicknames are taken.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         bits of classic (yet all-too-accurate) advice from my father: a) don't shave before you get in the shower, because the stubble runs down and gets caught in your pubes, and that itches. b) the key to driving drunk is to forget you're drunk. c) removable shower-heads are excellent weapons in the battle against hemorrhoids. d) (after getting busted having sex at age 14 by my mother, one of those "wait until your father finds out" lectures)... just make sure you get the spericidal ones. i'll remember more later. my dad rules.  
  about a mile from home,terrible pain in my gut, feel rectum filling up, terrible pain in my rectum-key in doorknob-key in deadbolt-couldn't hold is anymore-ass of my pants fills up with mudpie-good thing i was wearing boxers took 45 minutes to clean up  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         guns don't kill people  people do.  (the gun just saves you the trouble of spitting bullets at twice the speed of sound into somebody's head.)  
  Papal...peep-hole...poop-hole...        
  we can't have everything and if we did we would be sloth in our behaviours compelled to stagnate  what reasons for improvement are better suited than the uncomfortableness of being human  smcn/01       
  Sunday morning.  Dog dashing back and forth,porch to window. Cats?    I'm sitting on the floor, laptop between my legs spread-eagle.   Oh, that's my apartment manager outside my window watering something.   Did he see me touching myself just a second ago?        
  My friend called me today. She said "You will never guess who was standing in front of me in the line at Baja Tortilla tonight." "Who" "THAT GUY!" "Who Scott Seakins" "YES!!"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other night I was looking at some web page or another. It had one of those banner ads on it.  It said, "Warning! Your desktop is boring!"  I said, "You're boring."  It said, "You're a desktop."  I can't believe I just got schooled by a banner ad.  
    So, I have a boss that likes to pee in the cups at work then dump them in the plants. He's been caught doing this by a co-worker and claimed it was plant food. But we all know better.  On another occasion I nearly drank out of a glass he had "christened" that he so considerately put back in the cabinet without washing. Aside from  that curious fetish he is the biggest self loathing, snotty fucking lazy whiney overtly gay son of a bitch I have ever met. He makes it his mission to try to bring me down to the dark hellhole he resides in. But i'm the mastah and am onto him. He hates doodling, I mean hates doodles, small things drive him nuts, you want to make him sweat leave a cabinet door open or tilt a calendar just a bit. So,  I doodle on every piece of paperwork I can get my hands on, tiny doodles, just enough to scratch his psyche and drive him nuts. There is nothing he can do about it, the stuff I doodle on is not legal documents. One Friday while talking on the phone at work near the end of the work day, I did a doodle of a hand dumping a glass of "water" onto a plant I did it on a sticky note and left it out in the open. Left work and realized what I had done, was going to go back but realized I wanted him to see it. Nothing to lose.  Usually he'll save the doodles I do and lecture me about them, but oddly enough not this time. Yeah who's in power here buddy boy, i'll bring you down to Chinatown with my doodles and your little miracle grow secrets. Advancement was never on my to do list anyway.   
  I made it 15 years without ever getting lice. Then I got them. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced in my life.  Now, alone, having lice is a rather common experience and not a lowbrow moment. The lowbrow was when two of them fell out of my hair, still mating, in the middle of French class. I crushed them somewhere between pouvoir and savoir. When I turned my French book in at the end of the year, there was still a highly visible smudge.  
  years ago, after an incident on the school bus, my only defense was: "like it's my fault his jean jacket was so flammable." i got suspended and fined.  
  My mom went on a date tonite with some guy she had gone out to lunch with once or twice.  She proceeded to tell this guy about me.  She told him that I don't dress like the average kid does, with baggy jeans like Jncos, and Chuck Taylor's, etc.  Well, this guy looks at my mom and says:  "Sounds like your son is a wanna be."  "'A Wanna be' what?"  "A wanna be *black kid."   * He said something a little stronger than "black kid"  "Okay..."  What a great turn on for a first date.  Using racial slurs to decribe your date's son, whom you've never met.  What I wouldn't give to be 52, single, and racist...  
  the first time i let another guy fuck me he was very nice and it was very very cool.  afterwards i was laying face down on the bed.  after i was laying that way for quite some time, he asked me if i was alright.  i said that i was and that i was just sort of getting it together.  in reality, i was laying face down on the bed because i was terrified of getting up.  i had heard that if you use a *lot* of lube (a good thing to do on your first time out), then you were risking having a big turd just flop out of your butt when you got up or rolled over.  i felt that this might ruin the mood somewhat.  in the interviening years, i have learned two things:  this is not the case.  dirty stories posted on USENET should not be viewed as reliable sources of information.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's a friend I used to have. Well not so much a friend as an aquaintance, but we were friendly.  She messaged me online less and less frequently  then she started making it a point to insult, belittle, or otherwise agitate me on bulletin boards in front of people.  Well that was it  I remembered, that in passing conversation once, she told me her ex was a photographer. And that one of hte reasons they broke up is he put some pictures up online she didn't want online  well she told me years ago  but I remmebered  and decided to go searching, using various methods of search.  Finally I find it. Not just a few pics. But HUNDREDS of pics. Fuck man there were VIDEOS. This ex had set up a paysite with her pictures  Now, the majority of people I know would have spread the pictures around,b ut no that's not what I wanted. I would have had revenge, but I'd be looked at as the badguy.  I sent her the address of the site in email, telling her so she could have it shut down.  Where's the revenge?  A. I got to see lots and lots of pictures she didn't want me to see, and she knows it.  B. As pissed as she'll want to be at me, what can she do? I"m the good guy. I sent her the site, she can have it shut down.  So I get my revenge AND come off as the good guy.  Life, for once, is sweet.  But it's rather sad that the only good thing going in my life right now is revenge.   
  andy wiped his bleeding knuckles on the table obviously proud of himself for kicking the living crap out of the guy who had just dropped his girlfriend with a punch sometimes its not the size of the dog in the fight its the size of the fight in the dog he said as he slammed his twenty four ounce pabst he bought it for a quarter i thought that redneck toothless old man bars are going to be the death of me yet        
  "One morning, upon awakening from agitated dreams, Gregor Samsa found himself, in his bed, transformed into a monstrous vermin."  
  I've known him for years.  One of those kids you know just from being a smoker..you know...u see each other outside class and chat sometimes I should know his name...but I cant remember it. And hes HOT and im now single and we exchanged numbers. Dammit who do I ask for if I call?   
   My Sister-In-Law Gets Creative  She has her own punk band, and actually plays CBGBs on a regular basis. She and I get on well, but my wife doesn't quite trust her with me. Here's why (from a moment posted elsewhere here):  Several days into the trip, the sister says to me:  "When we first met, I didn't know what to make of you. But now I see you're a really good guy. You can ball me anytime."  O.K., she's not all  that  good a singer, and wouldn't have the gig at all if she hadn't lived with the Blue &Ouml;yster Cult drummer for a few years, but then she pens her best song ever: "Angel Babe." "Angel babe -- you're never goin' to  die! " and seque into a hot guitar riff. It's a great Rock 'n Roll song. They get a recording contract on the strength of it, but there's a problem. Her Angel "friends" want to hear the song before it's released, and explain that they have veto power (which they surely do, and then some). So sis-in-law and I walk into an empty CBGBs one afternoon with her band. We set up, sit and wait. And wait. The door opens, fifteen Hell's Angels troop in, sit down somberly, and nod. I'm still young enough that situations can make me nervous. I do better than that -- I get scared. Sis: "Eh, can we do a warm-up song first?" Leather-clad heads shake. Just a weird dynamic. From what I figure, most of these guys have fucked her. Why so harsh? The band gathers around. They whisper, then take their positions. It's said that having a gun pointed at your head is a wonderful way to focus your attention. They knock the damn song off so well that I stand and cheer... and then remember where I am, and sit down. Silence. The Angels troop out. The last one to go out the door stops for a second and says: "That was fuckin' good. Cut it."  
  My friend worked at a movie theatre. When he quit he stole about 500 free movie passes. So one day out of the blue, he gives me a booklet of free movie passes..that was about a year ago..today I used the last movie pass that I have to go see that teenie bopper movie crazy\beautiful...today sucks  
  After I told him my kidneys are failing and that I didn't want to waste energy being mad at him anymore, he told me he fucked his ex while we were still together.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do you ever wake up with that awful, hacking, lung-butter cough?    I do, but usually after I smoke my first cigarette of the morning, I'm all better.  Mmmm.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think oprah would look hot in a bee coustume  
  I would hit on that sweet sophomore piece of ass.  Yeah, that hot cheerleader, who I'd love to fuck in the backseat of my car.  It'd be great if I had a fucking license.  FUCK YOU MADD! FUCK YOU MASSACHUSETTS DUI LAWS!   I think a year and three months is a little too psychologically damaging for a 17 year old.  Well, it's not like I wasn't psychologically damaged before, but come on, you don't have to kick me in the nuts, and then stick a large wooden board, riddled with nails, up my cornhole.  
    They always seem to make supermarket intercom announcements right during the best part of the song.  
  So she broke up with me the day after she asked me to tie her up.  My Strawberry-blonde librarian queen.  I still don't understand why, and it looks like I never will.  We don't speak.  I think it would be OK if she didn't sit twenty feet away from me every single day.  I KNOW it would be OK if she wasn't f**king the guy that sits in the cube next to me.  But she is.  Damn.       
  I'd been dating this guy for a few months and he asked me to help him rotate/flip his matress, so I did. We go to lift up the matress and underneth is a pair of white silky panties... not mine, that's for sure. He grabs the panties and puts them into his dirty laundry. I start laughing, and he comments that it sure has been a long time since he's rotated his matress. Later the night I strike up a conversation about it and learn that they are indeed his ex's. Then he says "When she comes back to pick up her computer desk I should probably give her those back too."  I sure hope I'm there for that...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         18/01/02  Sticks and stones will break your bones...but Nerf suction cup darts with superglue will leave welts.  My only regret? I never stuck one on my Freshman year roommmate.  God, she was such a cunt.  
  After sleeping with Stacie the cosmotologist in a motel room I swore I'd never engage in emotionless sexual encounters again.  That was a week before the handjob from the 5 foot Thai girl who liked to watch TV during sex.        
  Today, my partner for a project said to me, 'This department needs more scat'. And then he proceeded to sing a short verse of meaningless syllables. I just sat there and thought if I should try to explain the double meaning to him or just sit there and pretend I didn't know him  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Another alternative to flipping tha bird at another driver who wrongs you in some way (or just does something stupid).   Get a big, toothy, game-show-host, shit eating grin on your face and give 'em the Thumbs Up (one or both barrels as necessary).  In your head, think in all seriousness "good job there, guy".  This latter is a mental exercise to aid in the correct facial expression. [that there's called method acting folks].  9 times out of 10 I'm sure they get the sarcasm and look away in shame. The look on that 10th person's face is priceless.  They're so confused by the apparent praise and/or friendliness from a complete stranger.  
  i may have met my perfect match.  At this point we've known each other for two weeks.  we've talked several times since i first saw her and we have so much in common it's hard to believe we're two seperate beings.  i'm visiting her at school and we've spent the evening talking about a little bit of everything and cuddling in her bed.  we've been watching a show on the history channel comparing hitler and stalin for a while because thats what dorks do, and i finally work up the courage and have the perfect opportunity to have that first kiss.  a few minutes later, we're still kissing and when we break away and our eyes meet, her sweet voice says "thanks hitler".  i laugh ucontrollably while she curses herself for being such a retard.  i'm her dork, and i love her.  
  If there's one thing I've found that all cats love, it's ear wax.    Go ahead and try it next time you see your cat.  They love the stuff.  They'll sit there for hours licking your finger.    How do I know this?  Because I'm lowbrow.  
  During orientation at work they had a light projector.  During the section where they talk about what side of the building to smoke cigarettes etc I read ahead and the last line says, "Please dispose of your buds"  I assume it meant butts.  But considering nearly the whole office smokes bud I could barely stifle my laughter.  I cracked when this oblivious religious guy said something to the extent of, "yeah like, dispose of your buds, your friends, ah ha ha."  Yeah friends, I'm sure that's what everyone else was laughing about...    
   I worked at a telemarketing company selling credit card insurance to american citizens. One day I called a house asking for a guy. Turns out he just died the day before. I had his wife on the phone in tears for her dead lover. I still tried to make the sale anyways.  
  some people selling jesus came to my door i invited them in to chat, knowing exactly where i wanted this conversation to go i asked them if they would mind if i played some music, to which they agreed i kept it relatively low, as to not let them hear the words until the end the song was titled "Haille Salasse, up your ass" by propagandhi right before the end of the song, i decided to turn the volume up with the remote as loud as it would go why is this lowbrow, you ask? the end of the song repeats over, and over for a good minute "Fuck Religion, fuck religion, fuck religion....." ahhh those were the days   
  Public Service Announcement #32  Lava soap makes a shitty lube for whackin' off.  
  Vegas can push you to your limits and make you question your life's path:  My buddy to the group as we sat drinking in a casino at 4am: "remember how we were before this trip? Innocent, had a lot of money, and didn't have AIDS."  
  So it's after the senior prom.  I was a year out of high school, but still had many friends, and the after-prom party was at a house right behind my own, so I decided to stop in and say hello - I'd only be staying like five minutes. Well, that five minutes turned into about two hours, mostly spent sitting next to Nick making cock jokes and telling embarassing stories. I kept making advances towards women - almost all half-jokingly. What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm hitting on high school girls?! Well, at least most of them were legal. Anyway. At one point, I was talking to Justin - he of the mock-as-many-ethnic-groups-as-possible-in-a-single-sentence conversation, and made some joke about fighting him. He said his prom date (some girl I'd never seen before, who looked quite dirty) would kick my ass. I said "Oh, I'm invulnerable to skank." He laughed uproariously (or however you spell it.)   Later that night, Kim threw a pillow at me, but missed horribly. So aforementioned Justin's date, who had walked in the room for some unknown reason, picked up the pillow, and hit me with it. "Ha!" they laughed. "She doesn't even know you and she hates you!"   I replied: "She's just mad 'cause I called her a skank." Laughter, a pause.   "You called me a skank?" She is obviously not pleased. As she walks past, she says "Don't call me things you don't know . . . me." Then my friends burst into laughter as she walked down the stairs. It was a beautiful evening.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes, life can be really shitty. Sometimes, relationships can crush you. Sometimes, you start to hate your own emotions.  And then sometimes, you read about your ex-girlfriend getting arrested for third degree grand larceny.  That's when you realize everything's going to be okay.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Quick Blonde Joke: Why can't Bloneds Water Ski?  Whenever they get wet they want to lay down.  Funny, hardy har har. My 9 Year older sister just told me that..  Should I be affraid or proud? Life is tormenting my moral standards, damn it!  
  Grocery clerk entry #4:  Every time I go into the head at work to take a piss, someone omes to the door.  They try the handle (click) and yank the door (as it bangs against the jam) and find it locked.  Instead of realizing that there may be someone inside, they continue to do this.  click-bam click-bam click-bam. Occu-fucking-pado, asshole.  
  I just took a dump in your pool, so can I pee in your toilet?  
  i am a feisty college coed dating a man in his thirties.  usually i hardly even think of the difference in our ages.  sometimes you can't escape it, though.  last night my man and i were fooling around, and he fell asleep mid-grope.  what i interpreted as breathy sighs of pleasure were actually muted snores.    nursing home patients gone wild!  
     A lot of these entries seem like that radio commercial where people do haiku's about Budweiser beer.   
  life is in fact grand sometimes. I'm sitting in a computer lab at school the girl on the other side of the table is wearing a fairly lowcut shirt. luckily she can't see my eyes as she's behind a monitor.    
  She started playing at a furious clip; the Lucite bass was cool in her hands and it felt natural, like an extension of her right arm.  She couldn't figure out why she was getting such a great boomy sound out of the cheap-ass headphones she had plugged into the 4-track, until she took them off and realized she was playing through her stereo speakers as well.  Her face turned crimson.  Mortified, but for no good reason.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  When your dentist resembles Xena-Warrior-Princess, has man-hands, and tells you that novacaine is a vehicle for the weak and feeble.  Three years later, you have to get all the work she did REDONE at twice the price without dental benefits.  Now THAT'S a lowbrow moment...  
  I am masturbating as you read this.  - twisted@poop.com  ------  I was masturbating when i read it.  small world, eh?  - ShootinWads@3.am =============  well you're both in luck, *I* was masturbating while reading this...  we're just a bunch of sick fucks here.. hah i love us all!  
  My mother owns Dr Phil books.  Her moment, not mine.  
  He said, "Does anyone else remember the match where Sgt. Slaughter turned from evil to good?" and it may have been the drugs, but back then that's all it took for me to become your friend.  
  WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Unlocking the mysteries of an organism that kills millions of people a year, scientists said on Thursday they had completed a genetic map of a virulent strain of the bacterium that causes pneumonia and meningitis -- a key step toward creating a vaccine to beat the bad bug.  Bad bug! Bad, bad bug!!!  
  when we're bored my friend and i like to go into the bookstores and browse the self help books. we read the titles aloud and talk about how that book could help us. the look one people's faces when they see two teenage girls reading books about drug addiction and pregnancy is priceless.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have never had so much trouble restraining laughter as I just have now. I'm in the lounge on my lunch at work, and someone is checking their hotmail when I hear "what the hell? new sluts online?" Pfft, "morals"  
  I gazed into her beautiful ice blue eyes, her blonde hair flowing magestically as if a breeze had been blown into it by the other angels, which I could not see.  I reached into my pants and began to fondle myself.  She just smiled a mischevious smile...  Damn.  Mace burns.     
  I read the hometown obituaries every morning, looking in vain for the ex-mother-in-law's name.  Hope springs eternal.   
  My dog was sleeping on my bed last night, and she let out a big fart.  I thought this was pretty funny. About a half hour later I get her off the bed so I can go to sleep, and once she's out of the room, I notice that when she farted she squirted out some shit onto my blanket. Maybe my dog should be posting on Lowbrow  
  for those who think the drinking thing is just sooo soo lame i met an old guy i drank with him he made a toxic eggnogg that had tequilla and bourbon in it gotta jingle them bells he usta say and i smoked butts with him and that was pretty much the extent of our relationship he left me as much money as he did his grandson when he passed away it was absorbed by debt and bar tabs to be but what the fuck three grand for having a drink or two not bad  
  There was this girl I was talking to at school today, you know the type: Blonde, cheerleader, ridiculously stupid, insecure.. Well, she asked me what I thought of the new cheer uniforms. They're cheap and tasteless, they make the girls look like inexpensive and tainted whores. "They're nice." I said. "Well, like, they're sort of long skirts for cheer, you know? I don't usually wear skirts that long." "Oh." Why didn't I, right there, say it: "You stupid bitch, learn to close your legs." ? Because I still have hopes of getting laid. Pathetic.  
  I went on spring break with some friends. I slept with one of the guys 5 times in 3 days. turns out hes my boyfriends best friend. To tell or not to tell....not.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were on our way to a sold-out Aquabats show in downtown Detroit when a bum stopped us close to the show's venue.  He said "hey guys, it goes something like this..." and then began to sing about being down on his luck. After about a minute a college kid ran up beside him and started to ask us if we had any extra tickets.  He stopped himself when he noticed the bum beside him and said "oh..sorry..." and then began to sing, "do you have any tickets."  We all started laughing except the bum who looked around nervously until he realised we were all laughing at him. That's when he left.  
  When I close the door to the office (formerly a warehouse) and the air pressure has been holding it open, the pressure redirects and I can hear the walls  grooooooooooaaaannnnn  just like my digestive tract does after a day of burritos.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was about 10 I had this dream that my mom was at the top of the stairs beckoning me to perform oral sex on her.  She had a penis.  Does that mean I'm some kind of freak?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Watching "The Cat House" on HBO the other night and I wondered as I have done so many times in the past...  How much I would have made as a call girl while in my 20's, 30's and yes friends, in my 40's (my prime)...  Instead of following the straight line of a moral person ($55K per year).  
  My mom told me I was an accident. In front of my friends. THEN she said, "oh, I'm sorry snugglepuffs, I didn't know you would be embarassed by that."   MAN! What the fuck did I do to piss her off that much?  
  At one in the morning whilst I was poking mindlessly around the fridge, my mother burst into the kitchen in her terry robe and slippers and screamed at me for wandering around the kitchen so late at night, and told me to quit burnin' that damn incense because "it smells like pot".  I shuffled upstairs to find that my brother had come down enough to know that he should scurry to his room and fake sleep, while Mckenna sat erect and wide-eyed on the edge of the bed, her high completely killed by my mother's bitching.  I burn incense sometimes, just to confuse mom, but I think she must be knowledgeable enough to distinguish Mango-Vanilla smoke from ganja smoke, as we have had no other incidents of this nature.  
  When people call me a cakeboy I take it to heart.  So what if I'm not 6'3" and built like a rock.  I do have a 9 inch cock, so I've got that going for me.  But when everyone thinks you're gay, what's the point.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After placing my hard earned coins into the snack machine to purchase a Snickers bar, I carefully pushed open the horizontal bar and claimed my prize. I dropped the candy onto the floor when I saw a mouse escaping from the confines of the machine just as I was grabbing my candy. The horizontal bar imprisoned it and choked the life out of it. I calmly walked to the conference room where resided the operators on shift that evening. I said,  Help .  Five operators came to my rescue and seeing the trapped and dead mouse, immediately decided to capture the moment by camera. Later, a friend and operator gave me the Snickers bar and said,  I made sure the candy was OK. The package was not compromised. It should be OK to eat.  I still have problems eating a Snickers now. I try, instead, to eat a Baby Ruth.   
  21st birthday.  Friends from school take me out.   Wearing a Bavarian party hat and a t-shirt that says 'Hung Like a Field Mouse'.  So much to drink.  Boot n Rally. (only time ever)  Severe memory loss begins to set in.  Walking by some homeless guys, they offer me some of their Old English. I accept. (and have pictures)  Women sign my shirt, and spank me.  Get cut off at a sleazy bar. Go to an even sleazier one to drink pitcher after pitcher of PBR.   Carried back to a house. Sick forever. Begging to go to the hospital. Never felt that bad. Sleep a little, crawl to the bathroom, black out, crawl back to bed, repeat.  Wake up the next morning. Trying to recover. One of the other guys in the house calls out:  'Who shit in the tub?'  Me?    
  what turns me on.........? audi tt roadsters dimonds spankings cam shafts porn driving stick hair pulling torque morning wood acura integras oh and anything anal   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This one guy that I was fucking kept calling me all the time until one day I had enough.  Me:  "Look, it's not necessary to call all the time, I'll still fuck you."  Him:  "Oh, I just thought..."  Me:  "Hope this doesn't come as a shock, but I want your cock, not your meaningless conversation."  Yeap...he stopped calling after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I'm sorry, you guys, but every time I read a moment that mentions the Society for Creative Anachronism...    I mean, seriously.   
  i beat off an it hurt. like, i did something wrong or something, and now i have a little sore (like, it hasnt scabed over yet) right there on my dick.  an before you group me in as "one of those no-email-fuckers, think honestly...would you have left yours?  
  I probably should have mentioned that I was only eight when my dad told me about his former occupation as KFC-runner for his pothead friends.  
  An Asian Lowbrow!  American joke, told by me (an American) in newly aquired Japanese language skills:  A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit haughtily replies, "Why no, Mr. Bear! I never have problems with shit sticking to MY fur!" The bear says, "GREAT!" and wipes his ass with the rabbit.  In English, it's just not nearly as funny...  
  when i was in high school a guy who was a year above me would always stand across the street and look into my bedroom window, waiting for me to remove my shirt. i though he was sick. now that i am in college, i think it's funny that he seems to know when i am coming home, and he is still there, waiting for me to remove my shirt. so, i give him a little show. eh, he's patient, i guess he deserves SOMETHING.  
  Apparently, and according to Babelfish, the Japanese phrase for 'lap dance' translates back into English as 'knee department dance'.  Huh.  
  The woman stood in front of the mirror, pumping weights. She stopped mid-set to adjust the strategically-wisped ponytail on top of her head, and check her lipstick. I noticed she was only lifting two-pound weights.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "did you just smack her ass??" "yeah.  did it turn you on?" he does a double take and begins to laugh....what can i say? most of my friends are guys....i know what they're thinking....  
  The best way to break up with someone?  Well, there's really no good way - the other person is definitely going to get hurt, no matter what, and it's not gonna be any fun for you, either.  So, I've found that the phone is pretty good, but email is really the best.  
  Sometimes I browse lowbrow just to find AOL members so I can read their profiles.  That's how bored I am.  *click*  
  I was dating another redhead - I like them and their wild strawberry flavor - and nothing was really happening, I could tell she wasn't too thrilled with me.  She was just killing time until someone else came along.  Then one night we ran into an ex-friend of mine who thought we were still friends.  I let him know it wasn't so by razzing him every time he opened his mouth, until he stormed out in anger.  She fucked my brains out that night.  I found that anytime I wanted to turn her on, all I had to do was be cruel to someone.  
  I can hear people in the kitchen laughing, and my skirt is unzipped. He's  throwing papers off the desk and scrambling through the drawers. "What, is this guy a monk?!" The door opens.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I sighed with relief as Crystal and I walked out of the Wal Mart, both of us decked out with our stolen goods.  Me, with my second layer of cheap clothing beneath and my pockets and bra stuffed with keychains, jewelry, and nail polish..and Crystal with her few items of make-up.  Yes, we had done it, we had made it out of the store for a nice..and final thrill. "Excuse me.." We moved aside with smiles on our faces to let the person behind us by but didn't notice there was no one that was passing.  "Excuse me.." and this time they tapped us on the shoulder and we turned to find a blond man with a stubbled face and a bomber jacket.  "How about those keychains you stole?"  And at that moment I could have sworn my heart fell down to my toes and my mouth fell with it.  Crystal denied it but of course he wasn't fooled.  He was the dreaded secret shopper and now he had spied us after being so careful but yet so careless.   The comotion was almost humorous as we were marched back into the store with our tails between our legs.  Yes, we had stolen, me only $20 from Grand Theft, and Crystal for some make-up.  We had stolen from Wal-Mart, wouldn't that be nice to tell our friends?  "Hey guess what? We got caught for theft at a discount store stealing clothing."         
  I'll admit it, I have a serious personal scratch and sniff problem.  I scratch my areas and smell my fingers to see how bad it smells.  It isn't because I'm perverted and get off on it, it's because it is a valuable tool to see if it is necessary to take a shower that day.  Needless to say, I don't have a girlfriend.  
        The first symptom of excessive sleep deprivation: bladder control starts to go.  A bad combination if you take into account the amount of coffee it takes to keep me up this long...  
  tip #7 on how to keep a man:  Be kinky. If you want sex, just ask for it. And if he says no, masturbate in front of him till he changes his mind. He will thank you for it later.   
  When I worked at the Mexican place I would stay out late and party. My mom would always be waiting up to feed me or berate me. One night me and my best friend split a 'lude and had some drinks. Not enough to get real wasted, but enough to remove any and all inhibitions.  Well, I get home to find all the lights on and my stepdad up waiting for me also. They sat me down in their room and started chewing on my ass. You know the kinda shit I'm talking about. I'm just acting like nothing is going on. About then my mom says, "...and if you don't like the way things are then just leave!!!" Well I stood up and started walking out of the room. She fucking tweeked out and said, "just where in the hell do you think you're going?!?!"  I retorted, "I'm gonna grab some of my shit, I'll be back for the rest tomorrow."  Oh man, I thought they were both gonna come unglued.  
  During a class that was completely silent, the teacher was talking, and he said, "...the family lived in a cabin in the woods, away from everyone."  The teacher pasued, and a nameless student laughed to himself and blurted out "Incest!"  There was silence for a good minute or so, and I muffled my laughter at this poor bastard, as the teacher went on.  
  we were fucking in a tourist bureau.. she was working the desk. there's a back room and she was paranoid even so.. so she bent over the back desk and stared out the window to keep an eye on the parking lot while I slit her summer dress up and pressed against her.  a tourist arrived just as i finished and she had to rush to the desk. she said the whole time she talked to him my seed was crawling down the inside of her leg and went past her knee.  the old american thought she was the "sweetest yound girl" he'd met up north yet.  I agreed, at the time.  
  If you use a pocketknife to dig a hole in a superball, then insert a firecracker, then light the firecracker...those little bits of high-speed rubber will raise small red welts on your face.  
  I just recently figured out the joys of being penetrated anally. It started by curiously stealing rubber gloves and seeing what it was like to have something put in there.  I started with single fingers, and at first it was uncomfortable but strangely pleasureable at the same time. I gradually learned to ignore the discomfort (caused by the feeling of fullness as I later learned) and moved up to multiple fingers and eventually graduating to dildos and large butt plugs. Orgasms with things up there feels unbelievably good and I'd like to get a girl to do me with a strap-on.  Why is this lowbrow you ask? I'm a straight male.  
  Whenever I'm feelin sad i read from the bible. My favorite passage is Genesis 19:4 - Genesis 19:8. The passage reads  Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom - both young and old - surrounded the house. They called to Lot "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said "No my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. Look i have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them."  And everytime i read this i laugh my ass off and the world don't seem so bad.   
  A friend and I were at Mazatlan (Mexican restaurant).  We just were finishing with the meal when I felt a serious bowel movement coming on.  I had for years feared public restrooms (and still do), so I winced at the thought of using the restroom.  So I said excuse me, and hobbled to the bathroom.  Before getting to the door, I realized my body meant business when I almost let loose.  I quickly opened the door and looked to see who was in there.  I was actually lucky enough to not find anyone in there.  I went in the first stall in front of me.  I barely pulled my pants and underwear down before fecal matter started shooting out of my rectum (in liquid form, of course).  I peered between my legs and noticed that the toilet was completely covered in butt juice.  I actually started laughing at that point and cleaned myself up.  I returned to the table giggling at the recallection of dowsing the toilet with shit.  My friends (who I didn't feel comfortable telling them this sort of thing) asked me why I was laughing.  I simply told them, ask me in a couple of years and maybe I'll tell them... I told them about the ordeal in good detail a couple of days later.  
  Penis envy?  Damn! I sometimes wish I had a furry little vagina that would always be in reach, 24 hours a day...  
  Shit happens, sometimes out your ass, sometimes out you mouth, but always looking for a hole to extract itself into the thread of life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once there was this kid, Bobby.  Bobby would make claims as to how he was going to wrap a fruit rollup around his dick, and present the whole package to his dog.  We laughed.  At the end of the week Bobby walked onto the bus, and said (like Beavis) "heheheheheh my doggie gave me a blowjob." --- Later in life, Bobby thought his ex-girlfriend was going to steal his Camaro.  So what did Bobby do?  Bobby took a bat to it, and made sure she wouldn't want to take it.  Some people should never breed, even by accident.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a friend and i spent about a good hour in a krystals last night at about 12 or 1 in the morning debating on whether or not we could grab their "caution wet floor" sign and make it to the car before they caught us  
  Ok, "not@telling.com," don't you even dare to talk about bad blow jobs.  Have you ever tried to give one?  Those fuckers require a great deal of skill, concentration, and patience.  So quit yer whinin'.  
  Quaker meetinghouse, Sunday morning.  For the uninitiated, Quakers believe in largely silent worship without a minister; congregants stand up and speak when the Spirit moves them to do so.  In the back, a long-haired fellow, Native American in appearance and dress, cleared his throat.  "I'm afraid to speak, because I'm new here.  This is my only week here.  I won't be back."  Gaining strength, he stood and addressed us:  "Fear is realizable.  Fear can only be overcome through diligence and patience.  Winnie the Pooh wasn't named after Winston Churchill, but Winston Churchill did say, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'  I like Winston Churchill.  He wrote a lot of great books."  He sat, contemplated this, and then left.  
  In my attempts to win the heart of one of my female friends, I've given her countless massages, gallons of alcohol and what she said was the best oral sex of her life.  Last night she went to a bar with a guy she's trying to seduce from the geology club.  I need a cigarette.  -Brandon  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a good friend of mine works at a national fried chicken joint. in his first week of employment, the store took in 24,000 dollars. i work in an extension of a dry cleaners, where we take in and give back the clothes of the customers. i worked 9 hours one saturday, and earned 500 dollars. my manager said that was highly unusual and extremely busy. but i can listen to music i choose, take a shit whenever, do push ups, cry, pick my nose, or nap.  
   Still Chipping Away, One Flake At A Time  (So I buried the lead: it's actually another BrewPub moment.) The Polynesian barmaid, the one with the protective Sumo-wrestler brother, is on bar. There's some stupid beach volleyball thing on the TV, with women in bikinis, very loud. She climbs up on a table, and turns the sound off. When she comes back, I say: "Thank you!" She, smiling: "Don't like beach volleyball?" Me: "No, I was thanking you for the show." She gets it, answers dubiously: "Eh, thanks..." I definitely lost ground on that interchange. Me: "Your legs remind me of Steffi Graff, the..." She: "...German tennis player? The one who's married to Andre Agassi?" Me: "Yup. Pure, gorgeous muscle. Greatest legs in the world." She lights up for real: "I like to work out. Thank you!" Chipping away, one flake at a time...    
   Love Your Neighbour #2  I went over to bitch about their friend driving too fast in my alley. From #1:  Me: "Next time you see him, could you tell him he has two choices if he ever does that again?"  He: "Like what?"  Me: "Either I call the police..."  He: "Yeah?"  Me: "Or I cut his little pecker off."  Next day, as I'm getting in my van, I hear his goddamed oooh-gaah horn again. I stop at their house. Truly aggressive guy comes down the steps and starts shouting at me. He: " Don't you dare talk to my daughter that way! I called the cops on you for harassment! You don't threaten to cut someone's dick off and get away with it! " He goes on for a while. I let him. I'm no match for him. I finally nod, and say: "Now that you put it like that, I see that I was completely in the wrong. I apologise to you and your daughter. "I'd much rather just do things in a friendly, neighbourly manner." He: " Well, so would I...  I agree the speed limit in these alleys is much too high." Me: "Can we shake on it? And could you slow down a little?" He: "Thanks for the apology." They think I was a cringing yellowbelly. I do not give one monkey's fuck what they think of me. I got him to slow down in the alley. Mission accomplished.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in sixth grade, I would start each freezing dark winter morning by cleaning up a two-inch-deep pile of thick, copious dog puke.  
  so we have a little roach problem in our apartment.  my housemate had to bring a dessert to his work's christmas party and he left a fresh coffee cake on a paper plate, wrapped in clear cling wrap on the counter over night.  on the green line heading to work today, i joked about roaches being in his coffeecake.  i looked down at it and see a little bugger crawling on the paper plate.  i jab it with my finger through the cling wrap squashing it.  he still took the coffee cake to work.  
  oh how unhealthy it is to give an insomniac a credit card, a phone and a tv with no remote that's on the home shopping network at 2:43 AM early Saturday morning...   he ran my card up to my max the dirty non-sleeping bastard.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have thrown away more books than the average citizen of a third-world country will ever own.  
  The two gorgeous girls I was with began making out at the bar. Heads began to turn. Jaws began to drop. I already had our jackets together and was gulping down the last of the long island ice tea as I led them out the door, trembling. Oops, the bar tab. I ran back in to the still silent bar room. - - "Hey, what did I owe you?" "On the house, buddy. It's on the house.  Go. Now. Hurry. "  
  driving from central n.c. to atlanta at 2 in the morning on a whim. actually, an old episode of COPS from atlanta was what sparked it.   stopping immediately to take a mad beer shit at the Georgia Welcome Center just across the border from S.C.   it is 7:04 a.m. the welcome center opens at 7 a.m.  enter the stall. someone has already managed to jizz on the toilet seat.   someone else's lowbrow moment, i suppose.  but still...  
  a waiter in training pulls the cork on a celebratory bottle of cheap wine pop her hand flys back and slaps a beet red bloated jackass across his belittling mouth i cough my makersmark through my nose        
  Why does someone always walk around the corner whenever I fart in a deserted Walmart aisle?  
  chinonthecurb@fourAM is a great fake email address also looking@myownass fuckedup@thepolicestation picking@thatthinginmyteeth done@theendoftheday or drum roll spendingeverywakinghour@theillustriouslowbrow.com the last one is a hint         
  Well, I wore the kilt to work today in celebration of "peace & diversity" day. A lame ass excuse for MLK's holiday.  It is a big hit, only all the chicks want to know what I have on underneath.  If I weren't at work I'd show 'em......  
  And when he hollered 'Hi Mom!' as he stepped naked out of the shower, I panicked and jumped fully clothed *into* the shower.   When I thought it was safe, I plunged dripping-socked down the stairs to his room. 'Honey,' his mother called, 'introduce me to your friend here.'  
  A few years back I was in the process of divorcing my wife so I could be with my new girlfriend. She was 21, exotic, interracial, beautiful and unfortunately a dispatcher for the fire dept for which I am employed. My wife was devastated.  One day the new girl stopped returning my phone calls. After a quick investigation, I determined she was now fucking my boss the Battalion Chief. She wasn't even going to bother to tell me.  I quickly called of the divorce. My wife was elated. My fuckwad boss has never been nicer to me, as he knows I wouldn't hesitate to slap him with a sexual harassment lawsuit if he even looked at me funny.  My wife and I have never been happier.  I am a dirt bag.  
  16/01/02  Instead of breaking up with him, I'm going to teach him how to get/be with other women. I told him it's for his self-esteem.  Naw, I just want an excuse to get my own action on the side.  Low. Brow.  
  i remember going outside to take a dump because the toilet in the house was broken.  as i pulled my pants up and walked away from my little pile, our dog Buster dog comes up, sniffs it, and proceeds to eat it.  that night marked the end of the good morning doggy-kisses...but its just the beginning for everyone else in the house...  
   Vigilante Of The Parking Lot #3  I'm walking out of the supermarket with my small boy beside me. Big, shiny new Buick backs into a parking spot right at the store entrance. I look inside, just a couple, so I wait for them to get out. Me: "Nice car! It looks brand-new." He: "Thank you! We just got it." Me: "I'd hate to see something happen to it." He: "So would I ... eh, what do you mean?" I point to the large sign that says the spot is reserved for people with young children. He: "I'm just going to get water. It's heavy." Me: "That's why the store supplies carts." They get back in, and move it. "Daddy? What was that about?" Me: "I'm just keeping the world safe for small boyses..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I jerk off at least 20 times a day! Hell... I'm jerking off right now!        
  I was all alone, 12 years old, and horny as hell.  I sneaked into my sisters' room, put on a pair of panties, and stared at myself in the mirror, with an erection so hard it could put an eye out.  Then I heard the front door open, I tried to hide in the closet, but the mirror gave my dad a clean view of me, panties, erection and all.  Oops.  Neither of us said anything about it.   
  Thank goodness that our parent s generation, once hippies in the sixties who believed in helping others and communal property, demonstrated their hypocrisy when they became yuppies in the eighties, so that greed and selfishness could once again reign supreme.  
  for my friend's 21st birthday, I told him we were going to get good and drunk and then beat the piss out of each other like in "fight club".  after a few drinks, we ended up back at his apartment with socks on our hands and his girlfriend watching with wide eyes.  I could barely stand on my own, and him punching me in the head really didn't help.  I'm still not sure if I should have had more or less to drink.  
  He said :  Let's go to vegas and get married! She said:  Whoa! who shoved a shotgun up your ass because it certainly wasn't me! I thought:  Wow, these two years in Mississippi are really wearing off on the two of you.  Run while your still able.  
  Some friends and I got a room on the 16th floor in the Radisson Hotel in Cambridge, Mass.  After a dinner at the Japanese restaurant we went up to the room and proceeded to get trashed.  By morning there was vodka spilled everywhere, occassionally mixed with orange juice.  Pretzels littered the floor as well, but the kicker was when we awoke to discover the vomit in the bathroom.  Scott took the blame, and we all had a good hung-over (i.e. painful) laugh.  What surprised us was when we opened the blinds and Scott says- "Holy shit!" We walk over to find a giant mound of puked up fried rice on the window, out the window on the window-ledge, and probably far below in the parking lot. Scott shakes his head, "Did one of you guys puke last night?" We shake our heads no. "Shit, I guess it was me."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For about a year, I would go out and party every night to escape my miserable existence.  Every morning brought me back to reality, as I stumbled around mentally questioning,   "What happened last night?"  "What part of town am I in?"  "Who's THAT guy?"  "Where does he keep the asprin?"  
  I was flipping through the photo-of-the-moment things on some porn website.  It was one of those deals where you see a picture, click a number to rate it, and then another one loads automatically.  Anyway, I'm looking at all the pretty girls, when out of nowhere, a deformed baby head comes up.  It was the face of some horribly disfigured infant, mixed right in with all the porn photos.  Disturbing.  Needless to say, that killed the mood.  
  see  my neighbor, who is also my lover, with her hubby and i ask how her friend is. problem is, i should have no way of knowing such details of her life.  whoops  
  Sometimes i have a day where the most important thing i do in the world is tell someone about a LowBrow moment i read. Its sad the the most influence i have in the world is telling people about a short "Article" i read about testicle shaving or masturbation. Oh well, im content with my life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Allright, so I'm finally geing pulled over for my inevitable DUI...Get out of the car, leavingit in neutral, and it rolls away...not good. Cop jumps in and stops it...good. As they're slapping the cuffs on me they find, in no particular order-dugout and a canoe full of pot, knife (I have a concealed weapons permit, but they still took it forever), 9mm (I DID get that back), AND in my car, for some reason, my old fraternity paddle. You would think the other stuff got more attention, but, alas, it was the paddle that fascinated them. In temporary holding in comes a freak with an authority problem. so much of one that they feel the need to pepper spray him...while he's within two feet of me, and thrashing around....not good...AGAIN. MAN I GOTTA PEE, so does he...pee on the floor, so does he.feel better, but now they start in with the lecturing..we both tell them to fuck off...I mean what are they gonna do? WE're already sprayed with mace, in a cell, facing a not cool time for awhile. Lawyered up, spent a HUGE some of money to get out of the hole damned mess... Saw the authority problem the other day, in a work detail on the side of the road...... It's a good thing I have money...toured around the block, twisted a j and flipped it out the window at him as I drove around and tooted the horn.... I too have an authority problem, it turns out.....  
  my bladder screamed at me for relief.. "why use the toilet?" i asked myself "it seems so much more reasonable to go behind the 20 year old freezer in our garage ..."  my mom wasn't too enthused with my reasoning after she had learned of the habbit i had formed ... i got spanked.  
  So my sister who hasnt gotten any in seventeen years is now bent out of shape because her boyfriend of six months has gone two weeks without being physical with her.  With an apathetic tone and Daria-like demeanor she relates to me on a cell phone while Im walking through whole foods market how her girlfriend has already bought her two dildos to make up for the lack of the BF.  I hand the phone to a friend who loves these stories and he procedes to tell her how to use silk panties to lure the boyfriend as a geriatric asian woman picks out vitamins behind him.    Shes almost cured.  My sister I mean, not the woman.    
  I just finished watching the "Glutton Bowl" eating championships on TV.  A man managed to eat 8 pounds of plain ol' mayonnaise.   Armageddon is a-commin'  you can bet on that.   
  She was gorgeous.  She was smart.  She had a good sense of humour.  She was going to be a freakin doctor.  But she danced like a 12 year old at a 6th grade dance.  
  I can opena beer bottle with my teeth. (Im a girl) This has inspired multiple marriage proposels, by friends and strangers alike.  god i luv my life  
        There was a girl sitting in front of me on a bus ride from AC to NYC and she was SO annoying. I noticed that her metrocard had slipped out of her bag and was withing my reach.  I took it, as compensation for having to hear about her dating life for 3 hours.  It had $15 on it!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On my desk is a folded bandana I use.  It sits in front of my computer harddrive, and makes an excellent coaster.  It also has other uses as well.  Girlfriend comes over to my house just as I am finishing up on my computer.  See's bandana.  Picks up bandana.  Notices strange funky smell coming from it.  Puts to nose and has like a huge whiff, which isn't a good idea.  Her face contorts to something like she has smelt a room full of bloated decomposing bodies.  She starts to gag and throws down the bandana.  "My god!" she chokes out "Why does that smell so rank?"  "It's my spankerchief" I reply, being totally honest.  "Spankerchief??" she says, not getting it.  "Yeah... When I beat off to porn on the net, I use it to catch my errant semen discharge.  Means I don't have crusty shorts to clean"  Her face turns a different shade of pale and she bolts to the bathroom.  I hear dry retching in the back ground, followed by vomiting.  Hey she was all for being honest in a relationship before I told her that.  
  i'm sitting at home studying for my Western Civilization test. a friend opens the door and bursts in, blurting out, "ha, caught you masterbating." i said, "yeah, to 18th century europe."  i started making the jerking off motion and moaning, "oh god, cathrine the great, landed aristocracy!"  
  have you ever taped a giant fork and spoon to someone's door? there is something oddly satisfying about working with extremely oversized untensils and duct tape.  
  you know how people sometimes lie about having a boyfriend or girlfriend just so they won't look like an anti-social geek? well, here's the flip side: I lie to friends and family by  saying I'm  single , just so they won't give me those disapproving looks when they find out my boyfriend & I are still together. they think he's a Super Deluxe Asshole and that I'm completely deluded for staying with him. I found out lying's easier than listing his good points, because that list is very very short & sounds pretty half-assed when I'm saying them out loud. so I go to great lengths to hide our relationship & that's just pretty damn pathetic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had this goat-roper roomate in the dorms. He once asked me if I knew what the space between a woman's pussy and asshole was called? I replied that I didn't know. He said it was called "'taint". " 'taint pussy, and 'taint asshole." I thought that was really fucking funny. Several months later I found out it actually had a name, "perinium".  Man, he used to get the best weed.....  
  A few of us got together and spent a few days in my friends home town. We stayed at his parents place and went to the local dive.  We all got really shitfaced and went back to his place to crash.  A couple of us were thrown into his sisters room to sleep, since she was away for the weekend.  I awoke with a start the next morning and fell off the bed.  I was still drunk and the slightest movement made me want to puke. The room was truly rocking and spining.  I crawled around a bit but could not get back up into the bed.  I found a pile of dirty laundry and passed out in it.  Again I woke up and found I was using a pair of dirty panties as a pillow.  Nobody else in the room had woken up yet though, so...  I picked up the panties and took a deep whiff.  I actually went 'Ahhhh!' and then got up to face my incredible hangover.          
  My cube-mate is looking at animal porn.  I'm about as sick as they come, and try not to judge other people's weirdness. And I know he's editing it to make it appear that our boss in making sweet love to a donkey. So there IS actually a good reason.  But there's something about seeing a man dressed in only a turban getting intimate with a mule that just weirds me out.  And the intense look on my co-worker's face isn't helping anything.  
  they sit arguing who is the bigger asshole a competition one complains of the selfish and pigheaded habits hes made that got his girl so bent she broke him to bits the other complains about how his cock manages to wiggle out and poink anything it can befuckling every relationship and ultimately making him a loney jerker i musta been a little hungover cos i usually let people wallow in their own detritis but i waddled over to order another luscious and forgiving dare i say saintly makersmark a declared to the two i had never seen before that their competition ended in a tie   
  Some days, I think I would be more productive and useful to the company if instead of programming, I just snuck into the john and masturbated for 8 hours.  At least then I wouldn't have to spend the next work day cleaning up the mess that I made.  The janitor would take care of that.  
  TRUE (TURD) STORY: I was sharing a hotel room with my aunt (don't ask) and was pissed off as she is the kind of person who leaves notes lying around saying, "dishes are a dirty job, but you gotta get your hands dirty" or something equally retarded. Anyway so I took a giant shit under her pillow while she was in the pool then went to gamble. Turns out housekeeping complained and we all get kicked out. Fucking aunt blamed it on housekeeping. Like a turd that size could have come out of them little asian ladies!  
  I left on a trip to tampa for a skateboarding contest, when i returned, I owed the hotel we stayed at $1000 for tearing down two palm trees and throwing them into a pool.  It was better than going to jail the night before my 21st birthday, then having courtdates all the way across the country.    The best part is, it's all on video.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I fell off the carport while making some repairs for the neighbors and right into some overgrown Oregon blackberries bushes in the empty lot next door.  It took hours for them to cut me out.  I had a lot of time to think while I hung from the thorny brambles watching my shorts dangle from a snarl about 8 feet above me.  "I really should start wearing underwear"  
  This girl i knew from work was over my house. I tried to sleep with her but she wouldn't let me. She said I didn't stimulate her mentally. This made me angry, so I started making monkey noises and threw socks at her. She left soon after.  
  "He comes running over to me one night and hands me this Hamburgler. I was like 'Gene, what'd you do?' It turns out he'd grabbed this thing off the ceiling, short-circuited the place and knocked all the lights out. He said 'I wanted to give you Mayor McCheese, but there were too many people sitting at that table.'"   Good bar, good times.  
   I drank so much that I thought all my friends were dead and I was the one man who could destroy the 4th Reich.   Hallucination brought on by alcahol poisoning or vision of the future?        
  After I finally got her attention by threatening to cut off her oxygen supply for a week (i.e., take her computer offline),  my stepdaughter and I got on amazingly well, and she actually started to take care of her sick mother, too. I even made her favourite Thai dish. She was spooning it into her bowl, muttering: "I  love  cilantro! I  love  green onions!" She's a carnivore, and has never been particularly famous for liking vegetables. Me: "Eh, cilantro and green onions are... well, they're GREEN." She, instantly: "Yeah, but they don't mean it..."  
  This past summer, I attended an SAT vocab power class.  "Who knows what the suffix -cide/-cida means?" asked the instructor.  Bored, I raised my hand.  "It has something to do with death."  "Very good, Nikki," she lauded, "Now, can anyone come up with any examples?"  Again, I raised my hand.  "Suicide, homocide, fratricide, matricide, patricide, genocide, infanticide..."  The room went quiet.  I looked up to see seventeen pairs of eyes staring back at me, in shock and fear.  Beware the quiet ones.          
  I was walking my dog the other day when an out-of-state-student-in-my-daddy's-SUV blasted around the corner, nearly hitting me and the pooch.    He parked on the street, sat for a moment savoring the last seconds of his ear-piercing, god-awful, limp bisquick song, then threw his cigarette butt on the ground with a smug you-know-you-want-me look as he walked to his apartment.  This is lowbrow, so I don't have to tell you what I did with the bag full of dog shit I was carrying.  
  i had nothing better to do one day so i talked to a telemarketer for 1 and 1/2 hours.  i gave him all of my information, just all of it was one digit off.  Every single number i gave him was wrong and he thought he got a sale too  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i say goodnight to everyone on my AIM friend's list whether or not we were talking at the time.  not really out of courtesy, but out of hoping i'll interrupt them in the middle of a game or typing something, and cause them to fuck up.  serves the bastards right for always coming to me w/ their emotional problems when i'm trying to masturbate.  
  "The Lifecycle of Doritos"  Birth: Nacho cheese flavored chips.  Midlife: Nacho cheesier flavored chips.  Death: Nacho cheesiest flavored chips?  For postponement of death, invent new queso adjectives......  
  I was about 12 and it was time for a physical.  Well, when they gave me the urine cup and sent me to the bathroom I had the idea of filling it to the brim- which I did.  When I was finished I set the cup almost overflowing with foam on top of the toilet, washed my hands (i'm not some sick unsanitary person) and went to sit next to my mom in the waiting room.  I had just told her what I had done and she was in the process of covering her shocked face with her hands when the nurse's voice rang loudly from the bathroom- "OH MY!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some peoples glass is 1/2 full Some are 1/2 empty  Mine has no bottom, I just keep pouring, and pouring, and pouring, and...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            I lent her my car.  She wrecked it.  But I loved her.  I rented an apartment for us and she didn't pay her way.  But I loved her.  She used our apartment to blow some other guy while I was working.  I used to love the way she'd blow me.  Now she's still going to school (year after year) and blowing guys for rent.  Least she found something she's good at.    
  So it turns out Easter Sunday and 4/20 fall upon the same exact day this year.  WWJD?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I won't go into details. but involves a syringe full of urine and an orange.  
  a boy,    with whom i am hooking up for the last 2 weeks of the semester, before he leaves the country-  we started on the last day of classes, went home together after a party, so random enough, but then kept getting together and getting it on and liking each other more and more  the day before we both leave for home, we hang out all day, it had gotten a little ridiculously date-like near the end (riding on the handlebars, then tandem bike)  but on this last day, that morning he, who i've known from the start is Not Having Sex Until He Is Married (for a variety of reasons, all classic)  has asked, with us both knowing he would not do this, "so... if i showed up tonight with flowers would you have sex with me?"  and i say "yeah, probably" and he says "thank you"  and so then later we hang out all day and fight (only physically, yay fun) and whatnot, he's like "hey come listen to me play my instrument" so we go up to the band room and on the way down we are in the elevator and getting it on a bit.  and he undoes my belt and unbuttons/zips the pants, and i'm sure is touching me and then says "would you have sex with me right now?" and i say "oh you would not" and then my pants and underwear are low enough and he pulls his down to his thighs and we are standing there and i say "oh you are full of shit" and he moves in closer and we are touching and he says something like "yeah am i?" and i say "yeah you are" and we are definitely touching and the elevator stops at a floor and he quickly pulls my pants and underwear down around my ankles and steps on them so i cannot pull them back up, and i have a long coat on so  i am covered but it is very obvious i don't have pants on and i am trying to get them back on as *ding* the elevator doors open and no one is there.   and he is laughint hystericly  
  so in high school (lowbrow keyword: 'smart school'), there was a punishment called an 8:00 -- you were confined to your room from 8:00 at night until the next morning, with no visitors or anything. so 2 friends and i (all with pretty nice racks, if i do say so myself) would go around the outside of the building to any guy's (or girl's) room who had an 8:00, yell up for them to turn off the lights (so they could see us better), and flash them.  it was great fun, and the only rule we had was that only the person with the 8:00 could get the show. it was kinda like a reward for being bad.  
  I am really freaking sick and tired of getting emails from people who have registered the peice of SHAREWARE the company i work for has writen, threatening me with litgation and such (i work for a bank, my husband is a lawyer, i have a friend at visa...) unless I solve their problem right away.   First off, the answer to your fucking problem is in black and white (literally) on the webpage, both linked in the documentation section, and on that page that you didnt bother to read, that has my email address.  Secondly, read what your buying, your money is considered a donation, after which we do our best to ensure you are not pestered by a standard size banner windor. How the hell are we not providing a location for you to donate money?  Thirdly, i dont give a flying fuck, sure, call visa, tell them that your not happy with your purchase, they call us, yada yada yada, you wasted six hours waiting on hold, i hope the elevator music gives you brain cancer.  
  After moving back home after failing out of college (the first time) I used to hang out with friends doing nothing for extended periods of time.  One of our favorites was going to the SuperWalmart in the next town over at 2AM and just wander around, riffing on stupid people and things.  We were in the grocery store section late one night, wandering down the aisles, when I see a jar of Clamato, which I had never actually seen before.  Reaching down deep into by subculture reference repository, I remembered a line from a mid-1970s National Lampoon (my friend Charlie's dad had a ton of them) article about fake product slogans.  I picked up a bottle, held it presenter-style and in my best Announcer Voice proclaimed:  "CLAMATO: THE DRINK THAT TASTES LIKE PUSSY!"  I was expecting laughter but all I got from my two accomplices was looks of mute horror.  I spun around in time to see the tail end of an old woman pushing a shopping cart very rapidly turning the corner, running away from us.  From me, rather.  
  I'm 5'10" and I've never weighed more than 180 lbs in my life. I was on a trip with a friend of mine and we stopped for dinner at a bar & grill. The waitress was drop-dead gorgeous and flirty besides. I convinced her that I had lost 142 lbs in the past year. She was amazed and congratulated me, while my buddy did his best to keep from spewing beer through his nostrils.  
  " i was driving with my friend one day and we saw some guy in a convertible with a mullet that went half way down his back, as we drove by we both laughed and stared. in our staring we discovered that it was a woman with a mullet. we laughed even harder. i tell that story to everyone i know... "    That is called a "femmullet", and yes you should have laughed...   
  Explaining how a cold front narrowly missed the Seattle area, the handsome male weatherman 'tossed' to the attractive female anchor,  'Nancy, that's the weather!'  Nancy replied, 'But Bob, what happened to the six inches you promised me last night..'  
  couldnt believe i saw him along time had passed and up the street from me so i started walking toward him he seemed to be doing really well clean and well kempt and much like i had seen him after his long ass nasty demon wrangling struggle back geoff whats going on you look great i trailed off  he looked up and stared into my eyes and i knew the shit had hit the fan in a major major way i been better says he the two goons standing next to him grab his arms and hustle him into the solomon psychiatric hosptial i just passed  geoff you hafta cut that shit out       
  This is what was said: "so... you're Asian, right?  This may sound kinda stupid, but do you see things like a movie?  You know, all wide and thin?  Well, you know how regular people's eyes are round?  But your's are wide and thin like a movie screen, do you see the world differently?" what do you say to something like that?  
  As we walked out of the SUBWAY she yelled at the top of her lungs:  "just because I won't swallow your cum doesn't mean you can make fun of my sandwich"  Everyone in the parking lot laughed except me.  
  "Monster joint, or skinny blunt?" He asked. We opted for monster joint. And damn... it was more than 2 inches long and 3/4 and inch thick. And this is with the best weed I've ever seen in Middle America.  The eight of us retreat to the 2.5x4 foot bathroom, not including the shower. We pack ourselves in. We seal the door.  All was good and fun until we got to talking about how thin the ceilings are, and that if their upstairs neighbor was taking a shit, not only would he be able to hear us talking, but he'd be able to smell all the smoke and he'd probably make the toilet fall through the ceiling, crushing the poor boy who was using the toilet as a seat.  There went our hotboxed bathroom.  
  heres the situation: 2 boys  3 of the hottest girls at school... 2 cans of whip cream... provided we live in a small town...still... one of those boys and one of those girls have agreed that they both want to hook up with each other, no strings... the girls get in a whip cream fight with each other ultimately ending up in the pool, all three have little white tank tops on, need i say more? the two boys continue to hang out with one of the girls younger brothers.. he is 12 and he loves starcraft...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i had boners since, god, maybe 10 or 11 years old.   around 7th grade, i had this slim, young math teacher who had long black hair and always wore courdoroy (sp?) pants.  i hated her, but i always fantasized about nailing her from behind and pulling on her hair.   so i'm sleeping over at my friend's house, in his parents' amazingly plush study, on their expensive new couch.  i find that the cushions to this couch are made of a cord material almost exactly like that of said teacher's pants.   i proceed to get on my knees on the couch and hump the nice tight space between the cushions. it blows my mind. feels just like what i thought my fantasy would feel like. i go overboard, can't stop myself, and blow a giant 13-year building of sperm all over the cushions.   i'm slightly disappointed at what jizm looks like. but anyways.  i feel wonderful and then panic at the thought that i'd just completely creamed all over my best friends' parents' expensive couch. i flip the cushions and hope no one ever finds out what i've done.  i humped that couch every other weekend for three years. i don't think anyone ever knew.  i went to the house for the first time in years a couple weeks ago, got trashed and crashed in the same room. sadly, they had gotten rid of the couch by then.  so i just jizzed in one of my socks and stuffed it in my pants pocket.  e e is driving the express bus to hell, and i'm sitting in the back, reading a porno magazine with headphones on.  
  so there were these shitty heaters that ran through my grade school, room to room, right through the walls with insulation patched in around them.  they were safe and all, it was just a rural school with old plumbing.  when the heat turned on in one room, it was on all through the school, and we would always sweat our asses off and get headaches from the banging pipes.  so a few buddies and I all go into the bathroom in February and piss on the heaters, right through the metal "protection" grates.  the heaters warmed the piss, and the whole school could smell our urine.    man that stunk.....   
  My suitemate and I are having a silent battle over who will empty the trash in the bathroom.  We both just finished our periods so the trash is pretty disgusting, piled high with bloody pads and tampon applicators.  It's starting to smell too and no one put a bag into the little trash can before they started filling it up so it will have to be messily dumped into a bag before it can be properly disposed of.  She started her period first and of course I then started mine early in order to  "catch up."  So I think she should take it out since she made my uterus decide to be retarded and start shedding thick chunks of blood a week before it was supposed to.  If I end up having to take it out, I'm going to spit in her shampoo.  
  I like to light sweet-smelling candles while I work on homework. Helps me focus while I'm doing an essay or paper. Today I finished my homework, was boogeying around in front of my desk, picked up the candle and blew it out. I guess I blew a little too hard, because the liquid wax floating there flew up and landed all over my face and neck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What's the deal with cigarette companies marketing these "additive-free" cigarettes as they call it?  I guess this would mean they're better for you.  Damn!  If they could only apply that mentality to other things- you know, like crack with less impurities.  That would be really good.    
  I had a loft bed, as my bedroom was the 1/2 to the 1 1/2 advertised.  I didn't mind, as I'm pretty tiny, so figured that I could have some fun with decorating in a more 3D way than I had planned. It was fun, but my roomate would laugh and laugh whenever he heard a *THUNK* followed by the immediate (and obviously male...usually with a British accent,) curse. I was short, but my men weren't.  
  My hair stinks. I can feel it brush across my  face - soft, and bright - I love the copper red. But it sure does stink.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I was on I-70, doing the speed limit in the left lane. (I usually roll 15-25 miles over the limit, but there were a lot of cars on the road, and no good way to pass the cars in front of me)  I looked in my rear view mirror, and see a black car riding my tail. Like I said, there wasn't anywhere to go, so I wasn't trying to let him in front of me. I gave him the one finger salute, and pulled a little further away from him.  With the black car riding my ass, I could only see the hood and some of the windshield. But when I pulled away, I was able to see the lights on the roof.  Shit! I just flicked off a state trooper! And he didn't look happy.  I pulled into the right lane, and slowed a bit (5 under the limit instead of 5 over). He rode my tail for a good ten miles and then sped off.  After he was gone, I thought to myself, "Damn, how many people have flicked off a state trooper; with an open container under the driver's seat, weed in their pocket, and a bong in the trunk; and still gotten away with it. I am the man."  
  one of my first jackoff moments involved some of that hand-soap-in-a- pump-bottle.  it felt fucking fantastic, and i shot a wad about six feet across the room.  i felt like a regular porn star.  three days later, my teenage dick was scalier than an iguana and looking to molt.   i thought i was going to die.  or have to tell my parents.  at the time, i preferred dying.  
  I can't believe that some people think that thumping bass stereo sound is what I want to hear at 6AM.   And I can't believe how many nails you can drive into a tire before it begins to leak.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I found an apartment with my best friend and his wife.  I don't plan on telling my parents.  I'll let them figure it out themselves when they come home one day and me and all my shit are gone.  
  I was surfing porn on my laptop, on a lonely Mondnay night.  I come across a really cute, petite girl with a nice, full (not fat) figure. Wow, she's hot.  I begin to jack off. In the heat of it, my laptop suddenly falls off my lap. Crash.  Now there's a tiny crack in the LCD screen that gets bigger every day. It's only a matter of time before it consumes the entire screen, and I have to replace it.  I don't think she was worth a $300 replacement screen.   
  when taking a shit, i think of the work that went into making the pile of feces im about to deposit. not the digestive work, mind you, but all the work that others put into it. like the girl who makes my soft grilled steak tacos at taco bell; the middle eastern man who serves my pizza at sbarros; and that nice middle aged woman who gives me my egg and cheese croisaint sanwhiches at dunkin donuts. someday, i'm gonna take pictures of my fecal matter and send them to these people as chistmas cards, just to keep em updated on how that food they made me has turned out.    
  Personality.  Chicks dig it.  
  When you work in the kitchen of a restaurant, you can drink black coffee right out of a gallon pitcher.    [This could explain the pain in my chest.]        
  all i really wanted was my life to have a moody ry cooder soundtrack instead of this incessant buzz of terminal technical tinitis        
  "You had me split wide open," she said, smiling.  Her orgasm a minute before that was LOUD and long.. I licked and sucked her sweet cunt.. oh, it was good.  She'd just had a bubble bath.  That was the best pussy I'd ever eaten. I came on her bedspread and she came in my mouth.  The "lowbrow" end of it is that I used that whole episode as a way to get rent and pot money from her for about two years.  Never ate her again, just kept reminding her of it.    
  Me and a bunch of my girls decided to treat ourselves to a movie one night a few weeks ago. The place was packed so we hobble down in the very front, where your neck gets bent back into your spine from looking at the screen. Anyway, a bunch of preppy 12 year old boys and girls were behind us, talking loudly and propping their feet on our heads and resting their bare feet on our arm rests. The two mainly responsible were the giggly boys. My friends and I looked at each other. We laughed as we pulled the hair on their legs. I think Mary even got a strand or two. What a great movie.   
  Got fired from a 'throwaway' type of job. The kind nobody could ever give a fuck about...  I so wanted to give them the "top-loader"(the toilets actually had a tank) but alas, I could not shit!!  Is it better to shit when you don't want to, like so many lowbrow folk, or not to shit when you really *do* want to?  I suppose it's probably best this story didn't end up with me discarding shit-stained underwear in a lavatory wastebasket, but still... I really wanted to leave a present for those ass hammers!  Next 'throwaway' job I have, for sure!    
  When you start sneaking Irish Creme Liqueur into your morning coffee, is that a sign of becoming an alcoholic?  Or is it when you start drinking the Liqueur *without* the coffee?  
  Lowbrow moment:  Borrowing a lowbrow as my .sig   
  There's nothing like seeing that person you really wanted to screw (but never go the chance) on a hardcore porn site and realizing it wasn't nearly as good as you imagined it would be.  Of course you beat off anyway.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About a year ago, I met this guy at a party and we went back to my place and fucked.  That was all I wanted, nothing more.  He proceeded to stop by every chance he got and leave me little "loving" notes on my door.  Finally, I couldn't stand putting up with this anymore and told him the truth: that I had used him and that we were never and would never be a thing.  Surprisingly enough, he left me alone and I never heard from him again.    I now live in the apartment across from him.  It must be a small town....  The other night I was sitting there with his two roommates when they left, leaving us alone.  I stretched out on the couch, taking up as much space as I could so he would not sit next to me.  He got up to use the bathroom, and when he got bak, where did he sit?  You guessed it, RIGHT next to me.. practically on TOP of me.  So I quickly moved to the opposite end of the couch and gave him a LOOK.  Not taking a hint, he grabbed my hand and tried to pull me to him.  I ripped my hand away, telling him to leave me alone.  Then, as I got up to leave, he jumped off the couch and stood in front of me at the door.  As I reached around him to open the door, he put his arm around me and tried to kiss me!  When I shoved him away, yelling at him to stop, he actually look surprised... hahaha.... That's when I left.   TAKE A FUCKING HINT, ASSHOLE.  
  The English school teaches people in their forties. It's located in one of the city's major avenues, and one of the classrooms is just two by four metres, two rows of chairs facing a transparent window that onlooks the avenue. Waiting for the bus, I see the fortysomething year old students dance what appeared to ve some variety of polka.  
  I was really pumped when tjay told me that the website we run (www.lowbrow.com) was name-dropped in the New York Times.   I was so stoked that I immediately left work and combed Market Street looking for a couple of copies.   They did not even print the URL in bold face.   What a gyp.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  While reading another lovely lowbrow moment, I was reminded of something.  Do you have those posters around your campus, you know, the ones that say "X% of X's schools student's have 0-5 drinks a week"? The group that put those up around campus also handed out keychains. It said "Most College Student's Don't Binge Drink. Join The Crowd."  I carried that keychain with me to all the parties I went to freshman year. It glows in the dark, too...Makes finding your keys when you're drunk easier.  
  So I live in a relatively good neighborhood, the kind where kids feel safe going door to door doing their stupid little surveys for school projects. That's fine with me except when they wake me up from a good nap with a great dream. Two little well-scrubbed high school girls, of the Britney-worshipping type. They want to know do often I'm online, and do I restrict my kids useage, and what do I do online? I tell them I'm online about 8 hours a day, and my kids are grown up and can do whatever they want, and in the list of choices as to what I'm online for, I choose "other". Student #1 wants to know what I, a middle-aged housewife, does online 8 hours a day.   I look at her like it's a given and reply "surf for porn." They scamper down the driveway like chipmunks on crack.   
  in the seventies my mother took me to the mall to meet santa claus.  waited in line for upwards of an hour.  sat on his lap and had my picture taken.  Later on in the mall I had to pee and went down the hallway where the bathrooms were.  santa clause was there by the coke machine with his beard off.    i stopped and froze.    he had a cigarette burning in his hand.  "what are you looking at, kid?"  the urine spread in a warm blossom on my trousers and wet my sneakers.   
  She says she has to change before we go the party, jumps out of the car and has her pants off before I realize what's happening. In the shadows next to her car it's hard to see much, but JJ, the crass bastard, wheels the Pinto around and puts the headlights on her. Highbeams. In front of JJ, myself, passing cars, God and everybody else, she doesn't seem to mind one bit. Over that summer, Sean nails her, Spike, JJ, and I forget who the hell else, but the one time I tried, I was too gooned on BV and went to missing my girlfriend 1000 miles away, couldn't go through with it. The parking lot image still haunts me...  
  I worked behind the snack counter at the local theater last winter. I hated the place, the cash register, the smell of the popcorn.   The guy who had been there a few months longer than I had introduced me to what he did to relive the pressures of the day, punching the cola syrup boxes in the back room.  It was great fun, and very satistfying. On one box, I saw a label that said in big, bold letters : WILL PUMP IN ANY POSITION  I cut the label off with my car key, and didn't have any problems. The other guy did the same, with his name tag.  Syrup spilled all over the floor, and we carried the offending bag away in a large trash bag.  "old oil" we told the manager.   Later, the manager came and told us a story. She'd call a business that was hiring for "all positions", and ask if doggy style was open.   Miss James is creepy.  
  We were in Chemistry class. Talking about atmospheric pressure. My teacher, affectionately nicknamed "Doc", is babbling on happily about it. He gesticulates imaginary diagrams in the air while make sidenote editorial comments that serve as examples.  Suddenly I blurt out, "It's just like bananas!"  
  Ok so we had to move departments recently, now our nearest toilets have huge mirrors on the wall, now this is a double edged sword...  1. Your dick looks bigger when you piss  but...  2. you really dont want to see your ass as you wipe the shit off it !!  damn company !!  
  A college professor once once asked the class to prove the existence of a chair in a classroom as part of the final...   a student simply wrote:   what chair?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have been known to make extremely pornographic snow-people.      my mother raised me to be such a nice girl.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 15 and she was an older woman, like 16 or so. We left the court-ordered NA meeting where we had met and parked at a church, empty at 10 pm or so. We made out for a while, getting pretty wet, hard and sticky, and she sucked me off in no time flat. After a few minutes of recovery, she said,  You haven t met Puff yet, have you?  with what I assumed was a devilish grin. I was ignorant in the Ways of Women, and spluttered for moment, trying to figure out what the secret was, and simultaneously act like I knew it already. She silenced me by pulling off her pants the rest of the way, along with her tiny panties.   This is Puff,  she said, pointing to a tattoo of a dragon next to her bush. And I was hard again.  She pulled me inside her, and I came again, again pretty fast. After we caught our breath I said something about getting home. She looked down at my crotch and said,  You re not going anywhere, as long as you ve got that hard-on.    I was too embarrassed by the whole  Puff  thing to tell her that I had to pee really badly, and that was why.   I did her again, but it took a little longer that last time. After, I went and peed outside the car for like an hour. It felt even better than coming.   
   Enough With The 1960's Hippies Stuff Already, Eh?  Besides, it's 1970 already, and 4am, and  me and my American buddy Chris Cuddihy (c'mon, you rich bastard! Get in touch!) are stoked and bored, so we grab a portable tape recorder and head out into the Edinburgh dawn to inteview people. Lots of fun. No problem convincing people that we're from the Edinburgh Evening News, looking for local colour, so the interviews go well. The Jenners (ancient department store) doorman gives us his whole life story. The interviews go far too well. We get bored. We decide to climb up Calton Hill to get a good look at the dawn. Calton Hill has a half-finished replica of the Athens Parthenon on the top, so we clamber up that, too. Hey! There are some people up here, too! Perhaps we can interview them! After all, all they're doing is ... fucking. So maybe not, but we realise this way too late, standing on the marble entrance of the Parthenon and watching their hairy Scottish butts joyfully thrusting away. Two of them notice us, pull themselves out of what they were doing and come climbing up the Parthenon at a hell of a rate of speed, while bellowing incoherently at us. Incoherent or not, we get the message. Before they reach the top, we're already back down on the street. We don't stop running until we're safely back in our basement apartment. Is when we notice that the tape recorder didn't make the whole trip with us. We  could  go back out and look for it, but we figure it wasn't all that expensive, and besides...   
  Went to the counter and put the ribbeds down, consciously inconscpicuous. Septegenarian behind the counter evil eyes me and point blanks: "For your father?"   I cringe at the mental picture.  "Keep the change" and run.  
  My friend once asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with her.  I said yes, of course.  So we go to this abandoned house to smoke it in.  She pulls the joint out and I see that she has rolled it up in a receipt from Wal-Mart because she didn't have any papers nor did she have a bong of any sort.  I bust out laughing, thinking that this has to be the most ghetto joint ever.  I smoked it with her anyway.  It tasted like shit but it did the trick.  
  Latley, whenever I've gotten stonned, I've had some sort of deep, intrinsic knowledge of how people become homeless.  I think I need some better weed.  
  We were working in the woods when I had to take a major crap. Off into the woods I go. End of the day finally comes and we both head back towards the truck, each taking a different path through the trees. I get there first, my partner walks up and sniffs the air.  "Did you shit yourself?" I sniff the air.  "No, did you?"  I look down and his right foot is covered in shit, heaped up so it looks like he's wearing one of those Arab/ Shriner pointy toe shoes. I laughed my ass off, but he wasn't too amused.  
  As I reached for my wonderful ATM/credit card, she asked "Will that be all? No cigarettes? Lotto?"   I said, "Who, me? No. No thank you." The thought had never occured to me that I actually good purchase those things, given the proper vices.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I had a dream wherein I ran around wearing nothing but a cowboy hat, putting my penis in people's mouths.  Every time I did this, a bystander would shout, "What's with the cowboy hat?"  
  we were told to thow out the office refrigerator because we're getting a new one.  they asked us to remove all of our stuff because it's being junked over the weekend.  i stayed late on friday because i knew everyone would forget to take their stuff home.  i got 7 microwave meals, some microwave burritos, a bottle of sparkling cider, and a fruit basket.  not to mention two hours of overtime pay.         
  So from what I hear, my landlady once said, "There's two things poor people will always have: beer and cigarettes."  And as i sit here, mildly drunk, smoking a cigarette, I don't really care.  
  When I was 13 I thought I invented masturbation.  Lo and behold when I finally brought up the nerve to tell my best friend she informed me that she invented masturbation a few months ago and that I was behind in the times.  That bitch wasn't going to share.  
  I had just moved into a new place, and was drinking white russians with one of my new roomates.  It had been a long day, and I had a nice glow going (maybe a bit more).  Suddenly, out of nowhere, she states that when she was younger she made out with one of her cousins.  I was alarmed by the sudden change in tone of the situation, and was overcome with waves of paranoia and fear about what would happen to my golden glow.  Desperate to change or negate the subject, I blurted out "Thats ok I made out with the dog".   
  conducting experimental program of eliminating urge to masturbate by dissipating sexual frustration into chatroom beligerence  goes like so  thinking about looking at porn click Checkout Lane or some such jabber on at high speed about whatever comes to mind until some moron protests lay into 'em  "you must sit inside and be online all day and have no friends since you type so fast"  well true or not nobody's gonna get away with saying that to me as an insult in a realm where communication from me comes at thrice the rate as communication from them  
  For all you guys that dont like going down on a girl.  I made this girl cum, she hadnt had an orgasm from a man in a year and a half.  She will now let me to ANYTHING to her. Think of it as an investment...   
  When I'm fucking a guy and I start to get bored and I'm ready for it to be over, there are two things I've found that cause the guy to blow his load almost immediately.    The first is "Oh fuck me, fuck me... fuck me harder."    The second is "Oh my God, your cock is so big...(insert meaningless cock statement here)"    Maybe it's the way I scream it like I actually mean it, or the astonishment I pretend to have over their usually not-so-well endowed cock size...but it works everytime. Ah men...such simple creatures.  
  I go around to the back of restaurants, and bum cigarettes from the workers there. Even if they don't know you, most people will give you a cigarette if you beg prettily enough.  I do this instead of buying my own pack(s).   
  So I was getting a handjob from this girl who had been giving me a massage with this special massage oil. Just as I was getting ready to blow a load, my dick started burning like fire. I've never had anything simultaneously hurt so bad and feel so good in my entire life. After I came, my junk felt like it was on fire with the flames of Hell. The active ingredient in the massage oil? Cayenne pepper! So I got a second handjob out of it, this time, with aloe-based moisturizer. My dick still hurts...  
  Everyone needs something to believe in.  I believe I'll have another drink.  
  Chilling right then I cough  and a little speck of phlegm flies out and lands on the table  holy shit thinks I   thinks I I hope no one noticed that.  my hand darts out, planting over it, covers it up, wipes it out.   i scan the faces around the table to see if someone caught my little crime  everyone has a poker face, it has gone unseen  then I hear a girl snicker  I look up she's giggling  Fuck.  
  im not sure i was exactly being low brow, but my girlfriends roomate sure was.  girls name is lelia, she first gave head when she was in like 7th grade, i think, lives in some half-a-step-above-a-trailer "manufactured home", lookin down on all the "trailer trash".....  anyway, so were over at her boyfriends simmilar "house" we bieng myself, my girlfriend, lelia and this dude she was shaggin at the time.  so, this dude is a hard core cracker of the worst kinda, cause he doesnt even realize how white trash his ass is...anyway, so hes drunk as hell when we get there, so lelia tells him she wont fuck him, cause hes been drinking all night without her, but she will go down on him.  so my woman and i kinda cuddle a little in the other room, untill his (im not even making this up, i wish i was..) cousin and his preggers wife (who owned the trailer) were home, and we all had to crowd into the bedroom...so were all sittin around, and me and my girl go sit on the floor at the foot of the bed, and the two of them on the bed, kinda cuddleing and so forth, but nothing even soft core.  then the lights go out.  and lelia starts to give her trash man a hummer.  so, i stood up (confident in the dark) and bitched at both of them untill we actually draged her out of the trailer.  anyway, if any of you out ther ever meet / know / whatever Lelia Sanford from a little town near elkheart in norther indiana, tell her to fuck herself for me.  
  When I pass you, you do not speed up and pass me back.   This is not a game off tag, BITCH.  
  just read: "I have a rotation of about 4 different little stores and markets I buy beer from. If I buy from the same place all the time, they'll know how much I drink. Of course, the bums who go through my trash looking for empties know, but they appreciate it."    i did this to. but i got lazy and now i've convinced myself that as long as i rotate check out ladies, they wont notice. until today, when she didnt card me because, "you were in here yesterday."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I want to be apprenticed to Limbo. I think my days would be better spent listening to his Scottish accent and wisdom than the unintelligible foreign accented ramblings of some professor that currently fills my days. Where can I sign up?  
  When I was young, I would travel down to the basement and admire the many ancient and odd-shaped liquor bottles that my parents had left down there.  They didn't drink them, the bottles just sat there for years and years and collected dust.  Fast forward twenty years or so, and here I am browsing these bottles once again with a completely different perspective.  I spot a bottle of 'Old Crow' whiskey that had to be at least 30 years old.  Drooling with anticipation, I brought it over to a party that night.    Fast forward about 3 hours and an empty bottle later, and I'm completely naked and meandering around.  I got the brilliant idea that I could cover my johnson with a sock, like the famous Red Hot Chili Peppers group pose.  Well, I didn't realize at the time that you had to wrap the sock around your balls, too, in order for the sock to have enough grip to stay on... and the damn thing kept falling off because the girth of my schlong was not enough to keep it on.  I awoke (fully clothed, somehow) on my living room floor, with no clue how I got there.  I blame the Old Crow, really.  Wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self this amusing story of how much of a responsible adult I turned out to be.  
  I learned the hard way that saying the word "wanker" in public on the streets in London will promptly get you punched in the face.  
  I was in LAX, and had ten dollars to my name. I was approached by a very tall woman dressed in a white robe, trying to give me a copy of the Baghavad Gita. I told her I already had a copy but she wouldn't stop talking and I was starting to give her a headache. I asked her how much the book was, and she said she would take a donation. The only thing I wanted was for her to fuck off and leave me alone, so she handed me the book and I cracked my wallet, pulled out two dollars, and gave them to her. She had the audacity to ask for a bigger donation, so I held the book out to her to take it back, but she wouldn't. So I tossed it to the floor at her feet and walked to a different part of the airport.  
  I was visiting some friends at a Yule party about a year ago. They happened to have a very huge, un-neutered dog named Fox.  I was leaning over to help decorate the Yule log, and Fox suddenly ran and jumped on my back. He dug his claws into me and I couldn't get up until his owners (after a long pause, during which they laughed at me) dragged him off me.   It's not fun being humped by a dog that's bigger than you are.  
  Thursday: Party harder than I ever have in my life!  Friday: Hangover.  Suffer.  Saturday: Secondary Hangover.  Suffer.  Sunday: Play Croquet.  Actually win a few games for once!  Monday: Flu.  Suffer.  Tuesday (today): Flu.  Suffering.  Too weak to go to grocery store... reduced to scraping mold off old cream cheese and spreading it on stale nacho chips.  The cream cheese, that is,  not the mold.  Though the mold might do me more good...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This was the moment and conversation that convinced me to NOT become a fucking punk.  Dave: "Well, yeah I think I'm pretty healthy...I mean I'm a vegan, so that cuts back all the fats, I ride my bike to work everyday, I'm always jumpin around at shows...life's good." Me: "Yeah, I suppose so."  My thoughts: "Well you fucking idiot, considering that you haven't bathed or changed your clothes in 3 years and believe in "free love" I'd say you're a fucking dirty ass crab infested bum."  Dave: "So....wanna make out?" Me: "Sure."  
  what the hell do you think you are doing she screamed at them oh ya know shooting junk and beating up nuns said he without missing a beat mike blew a snot he laughed so hard they both were screwed now but the blaze of glory ah the blaze  
  so I was busy listening to Heather bitch about this guy she was fucking for the fourth time. So I looked at her and said "heather, cry me a fucking river." she looked at me and said "actually I was born without tearducts"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend mentioned that she was giving up chocolate for Lent this year.  I said she was insane.  Then, I decided that I was going to give up masturbation for Lent. I made it two days. I felt a little guilty, but then decided it was okay, since I wasn't catholic anyway.  
   Taking a glance around the room, my eyes fell upon the upturned bottle of Mexican beer.  All i could see of his face was the underside of shin and with a backdrop of light, curly hair. He continued to hold the bottle to his mouth until the entire bottle was emptied, glug, glug down his throat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  i go to church today (not a usual thing for me) to hear some guy speak about "Creationism." ie: God made the world in like 7 days. get this. conservative christians believe the world is only 6,000 years old. every time he said that it was only 6,000 years old, and that it was scientificly proven, i burst into hysterical laughter until it bothered the people around me.  
  Even famous people have Lowbrow moments. Possibly even more often than the lowly folk. I pulled this off of a photographer's website:  Because a lot of the people that I go to photograph are amongst the best in their field I get the opportunity to ask the experts about what they do. With Julia Child I wanted to ask about how she eats on the road, because that is a common predicament for myself. She said "When I go somewhere, usually I have hosts who take me places they want to show me". I said, "Okay, but what about when you arrive into a place late at night?" "That's when I go to McDonalds" she cried. "My favorite is the Quarter Pounder with Cheese."     
  i went to New Orleans for halloween with my girlfriend. She somehow convinced to to crossdress. We bought a nice white dress/mini skirt. She did my make-up and hair in the hotel room before we went out. I don't know if i should feel good about this but, i was getting hit on like crazy!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he only had about a minute to jimmy the lock get steven outta the closet and into the bathroom and back into the closet before sister psycho eileen came back to the classroom with principal see steven hadda go but because he didnt ask sister psycho the right way she locked him in the closet he was gonna wet himself she left   no way not to my friend steven  jamming the paperclip into the lock he finally got the door open  steven flew toward he bathroom but ran into sister psycho as she had doubled back to get something he wet himself at the sight of her ok  what did this teach little steven at a tender age except that nuns are psycho i got screwed for picking the lock she bashed me but good steve still cant laugh about it twenty five years later neither am i     
  Dammit! Tom's boyfriend is here again. Every time he sees me its a snotty up-and-down, a disparaging remark, a roll of the eyes   "Look, you skinny little bitch of a haircutter! Your mouth is writing checks that your pathetic tattooed-n-pierced trend-riding ass can't cash!"  I think to myself as I close the door to my room and turn on the stereo.         
  november 99, ive been dating my current girlfriend for a few months, and my car breaks down. worked at a callcenter. some large chick there thought i was cute, offered me a ride home. all the way there, she was talking about her 'issues', and her guy problems. she hadnt been laid in three years,  and she just got her nipples pierced to attract guys.  when we got to my house, she claimed to need to use the bathroom. i walked in to my house, everyone else is asleep and she uses it while i go into my room and take my shoes and socks off. i hadnt bathed in a few days so im pretty rank. she gets out of the bathroom and sits on my bed and asks if we can 'talk' some more. i say sure, and she says its hot and can she take her shirt off? i say okay, and then she unsnaps her bra so i can see her nip rings. she takes my hand and draws it to her breast, and im feeling pretty weirded out, being a virgin and all. id never seen a girl be this forward before... she was also 5 years older than me. she finally tells me flat out that shes going to fuck me, and pushes me back on my bed and takes my clothes off. i hurriedly slip a condom on (i had them in hopes i would soon sleep with my girlfriend) and she goes at it for awhile. i was in pain and not knowing what i should do, and just lay there for a while, and she comes three times. i dont come, but actually lose my erection. id never had this happen before either. she tries to get me off, but it doesnt work, and then she notices its almost 4am and she leaves. i told her that it wouldnt get weird at work... i never showed up there again i told my girlfriend i cheated on her (she forgave me. this wasnt the first time i cheated on her) last i heard, the girl from work lost weight and became a lesbian. a guy that i knew from school still calls me to this day and moans about how he 'was almost in her pants' and how i took his chance away.  im finally forgiving myself by writing this.  
  I was driving down the road with several friends in my car on a rainy day.  I had the windows rolled down and was flying through puddles to spray the people in the back seat.  Then I saw a really big puddle up ahead, so I speed up.  Unfortunatly, I didn't notice that a sign next to the road was almost completely under water.  With one big splash I managed to submerged my vehicle up to the windows.  I guess thats revenge for getting my friends wet!        
  The bathrooms at Joe Louis Arena are packed, with troughs for relieving yourself.  This six year old kid is standing close behind me while I'm pissing, and I fart right in his face.  He had no room to move and just turned his head to breathe.  As I walked out, his dad gave me the dirtiest look.  
  I was visiting my fiancee's parents for the first time. Perfect gathering, we got along famously. I was a bit nervous, so I forgot about taking a shit for several days. When it finally hit, it was huge.   I spent a good 25 minutes working that bad boy out, and when it finally removed itself from my ass I felt like I had given birth to a volvo.  Of course, it didn't flush. I clogged the toilet in a flash, and of course, there was no plunger there. I wasn't about to march across the house to the other bathroom, and carry a plunger through the crowded family room in front of her relatives.  So I did the only sensible thing. I reached into the toilet, pulled the massive log out with my bare hands, wrapped it in toilet paper, and launched it from the 9th story window of the apartment building.   The most agonizing part was cleaning my own shit from under my fingernails, which took several minutes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'd been unemployed for several days at this time.  i decided that since i had nothing planned for the rest of the day, i'd take a nap in the tub.  unfortunately, the tub is fairly shallow so that laying flat, only my lower legs and forearms were submerged.  still filled with laziness,  i just relaxed in the hot water.  soon, i became aware that i needed to urinate.  my only basis for decision was that i didn't want to get up, so i just let go.  my half erect penis let loose a low pressure arc, which landed directly on my upper (and formerly dry) thigh.  i opened my eyes and looked down at my matted thigh hair and whispered to myself, "this is not my finest hour."   
  My friend is going down on her boyfriend and she tries to swallow but...it ends up "going down the wrong pipe" and comes out her nose.  Not something I've seen often... that was second time it happened to her.    
  I had a couple of fancy goldfish called "Orandas." One was bright yellow and silver, so my wife named him "Cheesecake," because he looked like a lemon cheesecake. There was one other that was bright orange, and looked like orange sherbet, so we named it, "Sherbet." Both fish grew listless and were on the verge of death, so I wrapped them in damp papertowels and put them in the freezer so that they would die in a humane way. Also, it would preserve them until I got the chance to bury them in the garden. To this day, my wife and I still make jokes about "frozen cheesecake," and "frozen sherbet." (Yum yum!)  
  The peas formed perfectly around the spreading formation of floating diarheal spillage.  It looked like an old lady.  "Grandma!?!?!?"  
  In response to Limbo's word game.  Illiterati - Someone who thinks they are popular/important but too stupid to realize no one cares.  
  There are few things worse than to be masturbating in the shower, 10 seconds from orgasam, and have your mom walk in needing to use the can.   
  i've been sitting here at work all day...the president isnt here today, and i get to use his computer because the others are being repaired...so i've spent all day at the president's desk, in the president's chair, on the president's computer, in the president's office...  and i'm just an intern...  and i dont think he'll be here tomorrow either :)   
  "did you just smack her ass??" "yeah.  did it turn you on?" he does a double take and begins to laugh....what can i say? most of my friends are guys....i know what they're thinking....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one day i got so high at a party, and i passed out on my sisters couch. i told her to wake me up, when her friend was back from a munchies run at 7-11 or if we were gunna smoke more, she woke me up and before i could open my eyes there was a joint in my mouth and a tube of cookie dough in my hand.   Ahh, family, cant live with em, cant live with out them.  
  I used to have constant fantasies about waitresses. I imagined that they were actually coming on to me, but being just fantasies, they never really were. Just one time, it actually happened. I was on a date with a very nice woman who I liked a lot, so I wasn't paying attention at first. Then our server came back, stood behind my date, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "And what would  you  like, sir?" I ordered, then he said, with distain: "And what would  she  like", while tossing his head in her direction, but not looking at her. I frowned, and told him to ask her himself. He did, with a very sulky attitude, then minced away. I didn't much care that our food didn't arrive for 45 minutes, because I was really enjoying her company, but he never refilled my beer...  
      I masturbate at work to clear that horny fuzziness out of my head... caffeine just doesn't do it for me anymore.  It sucks being a girl...    
  I like this site. I read this site. I laugh at this site. I decide to show my parents this site. Since I'm 19, and living at home, and trying to stay on their good side and make them think I'm a good little boy, I regret trying to show them some good humour. Once they awkwardly leave the room, I hit reload.  
  I used to mess around with this guy I worked with at some gas station job.  I would give him head in the cooler. If someone would have taken the right Pepsi or Coke out at the right moment, they would have seen a little action going on.  Or maybe they did? I guess I would never have known...seeing I was focused on other things.  
  I sat beside a beautiful woman, and asked if I could use her lighter.  "Only if you respect it in the morning," she replied.  
  We were at the mall buying yet another soldier in my daughter's Barbie army. The clerk in the toy store was blowing up some inflatable toys with a small air compressor. It was several hours since I had my last healthy crap and I was overdue. I let out a fart. Not just any fart. One of those farts that even you cannot possibly enjoy. You have to leave the room because your fart is so rancid. The noise coming from the small compressor hid the noise coming from my ass. I left the store and stood outside, leaving my wife and the clerk wallowing in my stink. I heard my wife say 'What IS that SMELL?!?' The clerk replied, 'I dunno.. must be coming from the compressor' She turned the compressor off and they complained about the smell for several minutes. I could no longer contain my laughter. My wife glared at me because she knew exactly why I was laughing and why I was standing where I was. I had quite the bruise on my arm the next day.  
  I switch the antennea ball on my car periodically between a Jack In The Box Head (A replacement head. The first got stolen.), an eyeball with red & orange vinyl flames that flutter at high speeds and the WalMart smily face dressed as Zorro. Even cars can benefit from a hip wardrobe.  
  went to a highschool run by franciscan brothers spent every day plotting to skip just long enough to smoke a bone and deaden the rage  ties short hair and oppressive attempts of boy groping monks fuckers anyhow went across the street one saturday detention and cut a small path and clearing in a sea of catbriar smokersgroundzero one day after getting high a dude i had partied with a number of times and gives the toottoot whistle of a fellow in the know smoker turns the last bend and he is accompanied by the dean of discipline   ratted us out i was smoking a marlboro as i had finished my only joint strip searched yelled at no weed detention for leaving school property and smoking most of the guys who got high there found out the fucker squealed and he got his ass beat about thirty times graduated moved on met a alumnus in a bar and he explained how that dick got doinked by the franciscan brothers with regularity beat up and brother boinked guess she got his   
  I did a pretty nice striptease...or so I thought. Later, he lay lifeless on the couch, empty beer dangling from thick fingers. 'What do I like? ANAL SEX. That's what I like.' He was too drunk to drive so I let him sleep on the couch.  
  he said and i quote i would like to apologize in advance to any of you if you should be so unlucky as to around at the time of my undoutably horrific and incredibly messy death  i thought nice disclaimer before a night out on the town         
  sometimes when I'm getting head, I start feeling like I have to fart. this is not a good feeling. but hey, clenching abdominal muscles can bring on that sort of thing.  I became very good at releasing this pressure silently and hoping that the smell of pussy (clean, delicious, pleasantly fragrant pussy) would cover up any odor. as far as I knew, it worked. he never complained.  last weekend I was giving him a blowjob when I heard a very faint gentle hissing sound coming from somewhere down there, and I realized that this man cares for me more than I ever knew before.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I dont know why but lately I've grown a new found joy of pissing on my girlfriend when we get in the shower.  its like the first thing I do.  And its not sexual I dont get off on it or anything its just funny as hell.  And i guess this joy must be contagious cause now she does it to me while i do it to her yet neiter of us know untill the other starts to laugh.   God I love this woman.  
  I worked as a bank teller for ten years one summer. It sucked ass. My bosses were cunts and I was 19 and full of attitude. They told me to forget everything I learned in teller training, so I did, and got in trouble for it day after day. I strode in one morning 20 minutes late in shorts and T-shirt. Also barefoot. It was clear I was quitting. I made sure I smelled of beer and cigarettes. The manager said in a really cunty voice: "You need to write a letter of resignation." I said "Fine, get me a piece of paper and a pen." The letter said: FUCK YOU. I QUIT.  and I signed my name and wrote the date. They still talk about me at that bank. You can make quite an impression in only 3 months.  The best part is, my friend applied for a job at that bank and put me down as a reference.  
  I found it pretty amusing that the little rubber net at the bottom of the urinal said "Don't Do Drugs!". So I pissed on it.  
  Sometimes though, the Limp Starfish is just what I'm in the mood for.   It's the only time I can be  completely  selfish and not worry about what she's getting out of it.  Besides, I know many dweeby, inept guys who would give a month's salary for a date with a Limp Starfish, just so long as she promised never to speak or open her eyes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I watch TV, my eyes glaze over and my tongue sticks out, and all of the muscles in by body become limp and lifeless.  It takes an incredible amount of energy to break me out of this state.  Once, I completely missed a five-point-something earthquake because I was watching TV.  I'm pretty sure it's because I grew up without TV - I was not trained to cope with the excessive stimulus from a young age like most of my peers.  Anyway, someone once took a picture of me in my TV-watching stupor, and showed it to me.  Wow, that was embarrassing.  I'll never be able to run for president!  
  i was at my friends house a few years ago. i had never done whipits, but my friends dad had, so he decided to demonstrate. he passed out with his head in the trash can. about 30 seconds later, he woke up with a jerk, hit his head on the desk drawer, and passed out for real, i tried whipits anyway that night.  
  I'm a pretty moderate pothead, and I never take risks with officials, let alone smuggle pot into Cuba, where you get severe sentences for drug vices. I am a man.  My travelling compagnion is a crazy potsmoking psycho, but she 's a girl with a cute face and huge breasts.  I get thoroughly frisked and even had to take off my shoes at the airport, and she gets a class A-treatment.  That's just plain sad. And sexist.  
  skullfucked the pope. . .  
   I mixed all the vodka and milk and turned the kaluah bottle over only to find it empty.  what a waste of good vodka.       
  Some guys from a fraternity sent me an e-mail and said I was like a celebrity at their college.   Awesome...I think I might put that on my resume.  
  Maybe six years ago or so hanging out down at the river with Luke playing guitar and smoking.  Some older biker types came hiking through toward upriver as I am tuning the twanger.  Just after they passed I kicked Luke and played the opening licks of "Sweet Home Alabama".  All them bikers turned around smiling.    Ever since I keep that riff sharp.  It hath soothed more than one savage beast.  New years eve 2000 I held my flatop close at the countdown ready with that same lick in anticipation of Worlds End at midnight.    It would have rocked.  But  noooooooo. . .    
  Virginia to LA flight on a packed L-1011, my seat immediate left of the starboard engine.  on take off you could hear the damn thing whimper under the strain, i smiled stiffly at other passengers, trying to hide my concern.  at altitude the drink cart arrived, ah my old friend, jack & coke please.  this kept up through a Dallas Ft. Worth layover in fog, where i visited the terminal bar before reboarding, slowly to same seat.  engine in a death hand, again at altitude, drink cart, jack & coke. finally sleep came.  over arizona, attendant comes around, "can i get you coffee?" jack & coke please, i mutter.  "i'm sorry, no." it wasn't till we landed and i stood up that i realized i'd pissed myself.  
     Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, > it deosn't mttaer in waht > oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt > tihng is taht the frist > and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can > be a total mses and you > can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae > the huamn mnid deos not > raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a > wlohe. >  >   >   >   cool huh?    
  I tried to call in sick once, nasty nasty cold. I felt like shit. Still, they demanded I HAD to come in because there was a meeting and someone was needed to make the coffee. I saved all my best sneezes and nose-blowings for the garnish of each pot.   
  sorry_e_e@hotmail.com does not equal mwuu1383@flpop.net  although i have been drinking with the bastard since he could pick up a cup again for scoring purposes        
  I think i've masturbated a total of 6 times in one day. 3 times in 2 hours.   Boy, did my penis not want to go for a seventh.  
  As a child, Christmas was the big holiday to look forward to. As a student, it was Spring Break. As an employee, it was Thanksgiving, as it usually meant a long weekend.  But now I look forward the most to Super Bowl. It combines all things good... sitting in Hooters, drinking lots of beer and watching the game and wonderful tits, eating oysters rockefeller and nachos, and watching more game. Keeping it as a special occasion, I try not to go to Hooter's except on this holiest of days. Did I mention the wonderful tits?  
  One time I invited this guy over because I was out of cigs.  And I knew if I asked him to, he'd bring me some.  So as they say, hindsite is 20/20 right?  Because I think I just sucked some guy off for two packs of cigs.  
   I sat there in front of my computer trying to remember what it was I had intended to do. And then I remembered, I wanted to turn it off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  everyone says he's the smartest guy around. super-intelligent, very motivated, just an all around enviable guys. so how come whenever i'm around he says the most moronic things. maybe he likes me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to take the worst, watery dump in my life, so I ran into the Filenes department store I was walking past and asked where the bathroom was.  "Fifth floor"  Great, so I rode the escalators up to the fifth floor...about to burst and made into the Men's room, and shit my brains out, wiped and tried to flush, wouldn't flush...smelled pretty bad...hmmm.  Well hey it wasn't my problem anymore. So I go to wash my hands...no soap...hmmm...ok a little water will do i guess until i get back to my place.  No towels...damn.  So I walked out of the bathroom and found a nice rack of women's dresses, picked out a good looking one, and dried my not-so-clean hands on it.     
  Last night I was at an "industry party".  When I attend such functions, I try to be cheerful and personable to people.  I might end up working with them sometime.  Now, I dont much care for perfumes and such, but when I encountered a female "associate" of mine from the biz, I noticed that she had on a scent that I though was quite pleasant - a rarity.  In the better interest of professional pleasantries, I told her that I thought she smelled good.  To which she very loudly responded:  "Goddamnit!  You see everyone, all of the nice and cool guys are always gay".  I failed to see what that had to do with it.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went for a drive in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with and noticed all the locals' houses looked pretty bad. "Yeah" said my friend. "It's like they're just waiting for someone to learn to spell 'condemned' so they can get the sign up."  
   I couldn't sleep last night so I drank two year old prescription cough medicne. I'll be riding this high all day no doubt.        
  I have had sex once in 19 years. And I don't mind very much. It's completely overrated.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving at the crack of dawn and saw a dying rabbit on the road. I passed it up and flipped a U-Turn.   Rabbits are kinda hard to wash off.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've started watching Big Brother 3, first episode and I already hate everyone on it. I made a chart of who's going to get booted in what order, who's having sex in what order, and who goes off the rails with a pointless rant that annoys and insults everyone in what order. I have too much free time. And the jesusfreak Jason just HAS to go first.   
  I was leaving a bar late one night, and had to pee really bad. I was about 20 minutes away from home, and knew that my bladder would explode if I didn't go NOW.  I drove to the 24 hour supermarket 3 minutes from the bar.   I get up to the door.   Locked.   The note on the door says, "Please use East Door."   So I go to the opposite set of doors, and it says the same thing! Where the fuck are the East doors?!   I check the first doors I went to. Nope, still locked.   I checked the other set of doors, and they're still locked.   I peed on the doors.   Fuck 'em. If they would've just made up their mind about which doors were the East doors, I would have just used the bathroom at the Gas Station in the same shopping center.  
  My current Girlfriend is in Paris and she sent me a .SCR (screen saver) custom made with Mp3 sound as overlay(she's a programmer). So i install the screen saver and here comes the Tower the city streets, here comes the building she's in , here comes the hallway she walks to get to her room, here a view of the room, bed,tables, windows , sheets(those smoooth ones) there she is on the bed naked.   oooops what the hell? naked who the hell took that picture and why is there an mp3 overlay on the screen saver everytime it comes to the room you hear an Orgasm, is she cheating on me , or is she trying to drive me nuts?   I love her , she just installed a surveilence cameras in one of the finest Hotels in Paris .  But this still doesn't explain the sounds i heard, she can't explain them either just that they got recorded on one of the Harddrives and she though it would be nice to share.  p.s My boss likes the screensaver.  
  I just read a lowbrow about those purity tests. I took the ultimate 500 question one I scored a 52.8%.  this however is only after lying and not admitting to some of my actions because I was taking it in front of a complete stranger. So that means I'm actually even less pure.  Does this make me a sick twisted depraved and perverted person?   I sure hope so:)         
  Is it a Menage A Trois if your dog licks your butthole while you're having sex with your girlfriend? ... umm ... not that it' sever happened to me...  
  is that it she asked after i spewed some shit about why it was over and why we cant see each other and all the abcafterschoolspecial crap about puppylove gone awry one two three four and half i walked off the paces turned around and pointing to the ground i said thats the whole nine yards parenthesis im six feet tall end parenthesis  sarcasm was the best i could do questionmark ladies and gentlemen the bus to hell is an express bus and i will be your driver      
  When I was in high school I had two, count them two, boyfriends cheat on me with the same girl, Tracy.  3 years later I see an ad for a porn flick on the back of a Playboy Mag.  Tracy's Bottom Is Tops...with a picture of the cheating whore. Glad to see things have worked out so well for you Tracy.   
  My wife wears my clothes, drives my truck, eats my Tastycakes, and even reads my books.  But she won't touch my beer. Then she says "Why do you like beer so much?" Because it's MINE.  
  after a party we discovered, on the back porch, what we now call the "reverse shit." someone had puked, but the contents lacked any liquid and had to be pushed and strained up out of the stomach, much like taking a shit, only out of your mouth. it took 10 munites and a hose to break it into tiny chunks barely noticably scattered around the lawn.  
  One time my best friend was convinced to set me up with his girlfreind's best friend. "She is fat!" I told him. "Fat chicks always give good head" he advised knowingly.  Man, what a fucking liar.  
  The Olsen twins could make billions in the porn industry, should they choose to do so...  
  Driving home in this small Texas town, I had to stop at a stop sign. No problem. I'm behind another truck; inhabitants: two bubbas.  The intersection involved two teenaged boys beating the crap out of each other at the corner. They were well matched, but still... I don't like seeing humans hurting each other physically like that. The bubbas stopped at the stop sign and turned right.  I stopped at the stop sign and hit my horn. The horn is loud, coming from a Chevy truck. It was enough to stop the fight. Both boys seemed relieved to have the interruption. I honked again and yelled, "Just stop it." They did. All it took was a horn honk to stop the fight, but the bubbas before me chose to ignore it.  I hate this small Texas town.  
  i must admit it. i feel great regret when i accidentally doubletap the reload button, and catch but a snipit of a fury440 post before it is resigned back in the annals of lowbrow. regret as in i skip the next four or five moments to punish myself.  
  My motorcycle's name is Neptune.  It is a 1981 Yamaha XS850 Special.  I am utterly, unhealthily obsessed with it.  I work on it, maintain it, restore it, keep it well-fed and safe, accessorize it, and generally put more love into it than any sane human being with a social life would.  The other day I was riding to work in midtown Manhattan, as usual, when the city bus in the lane next to me decides to make a wide, swift lane change at a green light.  BANG.  CRUNCH.  The bus stops to make sure I'm ok, which I am.  I pick Neptune up and search around for wreckage.  I find one random piece of metal on the street, grab it, and stuff it into my saddlebag.  The bike looked fine and showed no signs of malfunction, so I finished my ride to work so I can inspect it further.  No damage at all, not a single scratch anywhere on the bike... so where did that metal chunk come from?  I noticed a bus, identical to my attacker, parked at the stop next to my bike.  I walked around to the spot on the bus that smashed into my baby, and noticed the non-mangled version of my chunk of metal sticking out of the side.  That piece of metal is not right here atop my monitor at work...  I have never been as proud of all the work I have done to Neptune, as I was the day he beat up a goddamn bus.  
  I was at my friend's sister's highschool graduation.  She was showing me where the bathroom was in the middle of the ceramony.  When we went back outside we ran into one of her old friends.  He was quite a large fellow who I had never met.   Her: Chris!  Great to see you!  You look quite a bit more substantial! Him: Uh... thanks. Her: Well... (realizes what she just said) it means you're happy with your girlfriend! Him: She dumped me. Me: Hon, if you'd like to shove a third foot in your mouth, I'd be happy to lend you one of mine!  
  I don't have much spare time, but what time I have is usually spent devising ways to keep my wife from nagging at me for drinking beer.  
  i'm a manager in the manufacturing field. i just got a wireless transmitter for my ipod. atomic bitchwax, the misfits, and hot water music are pretty good productivity increasers.  
  I went Indiana Jones on a fly today...  You know that scene where the boulder is chasing him? yeah.  I had this golfball and I saw a fly walking around on the counter, so I figured I would re-enact that nice little scene.  But there was no cool chase scene.  No little fly whip.  The golf ball rolled, half crushed the fly, fell off the desk and then my cat chased it for a minute.  I wanted drama but death was a little too much for my taste.  So I buried the fly with a little slice of watermelon, because I know they like that.  
  yeah, so, while running tp between my cheeks, i lost grip and used my fingers instead...  
  My karma ran over my dogma.  
  My best friend has a fake eye.  Not the old style glass eyes that don't move in the right direction.  It's a prosthetic dome, with a thick marble behind a skin graft in his socket, for substance.  It's even connected to the muscles in the right eye, so it moves in unison.  He also needs very thick glasses to see with his good eye.  Damn thing looks better then his REAL eye!  When we were in grammer school, I would make fun of him.  I was the new kid, and I had to pick on SOMEone.  I used to stand behind him, and say I could see the future.  I was such a dick.  Now, I'm one of the few people that has seen his empty socket, with out the prosthetic dome.  Damn that was cool!  I want to see it again...  
  i think i have just learned how one burns water.  
  To this day they still think it was him.  College. 3rd floor dorm room above the main walkway for students. smoke fest. nasty phlegm. I turn to the window, not thinking. spit. big one, looping end-over-end with definitive arc, high in the air and falling. look below.   The Fear.   Three girls walking together, side by side.   Quickly, turn from window before the impact. Act as if nothing happened.  Seconds turned to hours...  "...you bastards!" from below...  Paranoia.  Oblivious Friend in room: "what was that?  Me the Liar: "Dont know...".  Innocent friend at window leaning out far over the edge to see what is what, huge stoned smile already pasted on face.  Voices below: "you are such an asshole!"   Friend: "What?"  The End.   
  it's spring break, and six of us are driving from michigan to new orleans.  we're all hungry at four am, and the only place open that we can find in ohio is a waffle house.  the place is pretty empty except for us, and we're trying to keep ourselves awake, so we settle on a few classic rock tunes while we wait for our food.  our waitress comes over and compliments one of the song choices.  "this reminds me of woodstock when i had the brown acid."  
  You know that American mainstream culture has accepted sexuality when department store mannequins have "camel toes".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just read wireho@hotmail.com's list of things that had been in his/her ass. (About 10 things, 4 of them being dicks)  My first thought was "Damn, that's it? I make wireho look like a virgin."  
  when i was in 10th grade, i had this teacher who was kind of fat.  big.  he was really big.  but yeah, he was a football coach, and wore coach-y type outfits: gym shorts, a big watch with a velcro wristband, and a sweatshirt, winter or not winter. he sometimes got kinda camel-toed, and he'd ALWAYS put his leg up on a chair or stool while talking.  usually those in the first row got quite a show.   anyways, once when he sat in his chair, and got back up, a pencil was stuck in there.  kinda wedged, he must have sat at the right angle and BAM!  the whole class saw it before he did, and he hurridly yanked it (yeah, YANKED) outta there and got on with the class. for at least two weeks after that, he wore jeans.   i think he got spooked.    
  Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.  
  with weightlifting, i used to be all "i missed yesterday so i gotta go hard today"  now that's my jerking-off mentality  fuck weightlifting  
  Went to Walker's Place. He's a computer geek with a gun fetish.  Started slamming Stoli and Cuervo with him and my Korean Girlfriend.  He pulls out his .44 and points it at the cieling... pulls the trigger just enough to advance the cylinder, then lets off.  As expected, BAM. Hole in the roof.  I look at it, and there are 3 or 4 patched holes next to it.    I start to think crap. Someones gonna call the cops, then remember.  This is LA.  Walker pulls out a bong and we pass it around.  We end up tag teaming my girlfriend.  She passes out somewhere around 3am.  We stop around 6.   
    How Deep is Lowbrow?    How long do you think you would have to sit here hitting  reload  for three or four hours a day, before you could go an entire day without seeing a new post?  Easy, almost exactly three months.  That's about 1000 hours, which is about 40 days straight.  I hope I get well enough to return to work soon ...   
  Someone went on a cruise. They were there for three weeks, in their 2nd class room.  Evidently, the cleaning people fucked with their camera, because halfway thru the roll there were two pictures of there black dudes in white clothing, the cleaners I think.  One was of them smiling at the camera, and the next one was of two black asses with toothbrushes shoved up their ass.  ....?    
  So we're out in her driveway, getting drunk, and she decides making prank calls to male escort services is the thing to do. She calls up one and after random pleasantries asks the guy how big his dick is. Then she taunts and teases and finally makes him promise to come right over, and gives him The Bitch We All Hate's address.  Problem is, she's listed and there's such a thing as reverse look-up.  So he shows up in her driveway and we have to look all surprised and innocent... which almost works until she starts calling him "manwhore".  Here's the sad part... the guy hung around, bad skin and crooked teeth and the nicest ass we've ever seen and all, to talk to her for over two hours, despite her constantly calling him "meat slut" and "man whore". Man, he must be the loneliest guy in the universe.  
  coyly she held his attention  she knew he hung on every syllable she knew she had him by the kahonies she turned a cold sholder to spite him to make him want her even more the unattainable elusive beauty that she knows he desires the icicles from her cold shoulder would have him pinned to the wall waiting for her to walk by and please please please release him she spun around slowly to savor the moment he was talking to the chick with big fake boobs as her yellow tank top brushed his arm he bought the bimbo a drink she stood watching  shattered you did it to yourself i told her what said she        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after toking up outside on a rainy night we got hungry and went back to my friend's house, parent occupied. they offered the (unbeknownst to them) stoned children some eggrolls. me rummaging through the fridge for plum sauce goes into a giggle fit over plum sauce sounding like bum sauce adn wanting to pour it over eggrolls. my friend lied the next day when asked "so. since when does Jill do drugs?"  
  I was working late, not really working on anything in particular - just postponing the loneliness of home.  My friend Jim dropped by my desk to tell me to get a life.  Funny, I thought... Jim isn't real.  I went to get more coffee and a pack of powdered donuts.  When I got back to my desk, I saw that Jim had knocked over the painstakingly constructed paperclip tower I had spent the last two hours building.  There were paperclips everywhere.  I fumed for a few minutes, while I slowly ate powdered donuts steeped in coffee.  Then, buzzing from the sugar and caffeine, I picked up most of the paperclips, and spun around in my chair a few times.  Still buzzing, I left the office, but I didn't want to go home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Please, your holyness...just seven little numbers, and the powerball. amen        
     So the announcement was made that Beijing would host the 2008 olympic games.  All of Beijing went out and partied.    My father, his girlfriend, my friend Bob and I also went out.  cruising down the street we hit a metal object which blew the tire.  we pulled off to the side and saw another car(tiny piece of shit GM under the caddilac name) also pulled to the side because they hit the same object. I go to change their tire (two hot chinese girls who gave me their numbers) while my father changed ours.  afterwards we went and washed our hands in a fountain outside a karaoke bar that was lightly charged with electricity (refreshing).    After spending a few hours at my dad's favorite bar he went home and Bob and I hit the "bar street."  We spent the evening drinking and hitting on every girl we saw.  At around 5am when most of the bars closed we started walking, we came upon a convencience store where Bob bought a single roll of toilet paper and I a bottle of Smirnoff.  After my friend found a nice dark spot to take a dump we resumed our early morning walk through Beijing, this time armed with a bottle of vodka.  At around 6 we were on the roof of a disco-club that had just closed.  After dozing off for a few minutes (amongst the glass shards) I came to my senses, woke Bob up, and dragged him up.  We figured out that we were only a block away from Bob's uncle's house, so we started up again, on the way dropping the last few ounces or so of vodka; and breaking off the backs of plastic seats at bus stops.    Once we got to Bob's uncles house we crashed on one bed.  Bob started puking his guts out, almost onto me, but I manage to roll of the bed in time to fall asleep on the floor.  The next morning Bob could only remember things that happened before 3am...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were having a house party once and a girl left.  My housemate asked me who just left. I replied "just some skank with a nose ring", just then a girl walks past us on her way out and says "that was my friend"       
  Her piercing scream jolted me from my sleep.  I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom.  "What is it?" I asked, panicked, groggy.  "A spider!  Would you come in here and kill it, Adam?"  I sighed.  "Sure, babe."  She opened the door and let me in.  As I entered the brightly-lit room, she ran out, slammed the door, and locked it behind her.  She laughed uproariously.  "My God!" I protested.  "What did you *do* in here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  There was this annoying guy at work once, he wore this awful smelling cologne that was blue and in a clear bottle.  I told my friend that I bet he wouldn't piss in it. He took it to the rest room and came back and the bottle was now green.  He still sprays that stuff on him even until today.  Its seperating somewhat though, there's some wierd shit floating around in it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i'm out with this married guy who's in my city for a two-day business trip.  We chat about marriage and he says he's never cheated on his wife during his 8-year marriage.  Half an hour later he's trying to stick his tongue down my throat. I tell him that it's not going to happen, and then I get nasty.  "You just cheated on your wife and you didn't even get sex out of it. how does that make you feel?"  He starts philosophising about morals and marriage and i go  'You're just philosophising to take away the hurt, aren't you?'  that's when he slaps me.  married men suck.   
  Yeah, I just read another moment about this... using soap as a lube to whack off isn't fun at all... sure it feels good for the time being but the stinging pain lasts for hours.  
  The guy that runs the hotdog stand near my house is a friend of ours. SO one day, we're sort of drunk after an evening of beer and videogames, and we see this car, across the street from the hot dog stand, and a couple inside making out like there's no tomorrow.  "Look at that fucking tramp, she's practically screwing the bastard in the street... shit!" said my friend Ed.  The hotdog stand guy looked at us for a second, before saying: "That's my sister."  The moment after redefined the term "awkward silence."  And I'm resignated to say goodbye to hotdogs that have NOT been spit on.  
     I used to give my father in law fine silk ties from Italy,Cashmere sweaters from Scotland, and once even gave him crystal from Sweden. I received in turn cheap 99 cent trinkets and assorted junk that you can order in mail order catalogs (eg:a rack for soda cans that fits in the fridge, a toilet seat cover with Elvis' picture on it, etc.)  I said nothing--after all it's Xmas and can he help it that he has bad taste?  This year he announced that he wanted a cash gift.  There is no justice on this planet.      
  Do you ever run into people and every time you do they've gained about ten pounds and you just kind of stare at them, dumbstruck as to how they let themselves go? Damn am I glad I got that whole being over weight thing over with early.   
  vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, cock socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuck pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cock pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, cock curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, cock sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, cuntry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cock cave, fuck donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, cock magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, cuntzilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indian bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold   
  was outside gettin high with my girl today.  she was all bundeled, up, cause of the cold...i had on a sweter i think...  anyway, so were done, an im leading her around by the scarf, to get our shit, etc etc, and she keeps makin a little chocking noise, so i bend over, extra far, and pull her with me....i was having fun with this little game..  turns out she wasnt joking...  sorry baby..  
   Weird Things To Buy On eBay #2: A Motorhome  Scotsmen generally can't resist bargains. So when I saw my now-current home sitting at $3,500 on eBay with people just nibbling at it, I sniped* it with a bid of $6666.66. Bingo. I hit the reserve price, so I got it for $6500. I bought a one-way ticket to Miami, and met the owner. He was a shady French dude who drove up in a Range Rover with Texas plates, which he offered to throw in for an extra $10K. I checked out the motorhome and figured it worth $12-$14,000 -- nice. I asked if anything was missing, and he told me: "Only the auxiliary gas tank -- the DEA took it off to get the cocaine inside." I got temporary Florida tags**, and drove it back to NY, which took an entire barrel (256 US gallons) of fuel. When I was cleaning it out, I found the DEA records for the guy who had driven it up from Columbia. He's still in prison. I also found an ATM receipt which showed his checking account with a balance of $135,000.  ---------------- * Sniping (v):  Lurking until an auction is almost over, then bidding, then constantly hitting [reload] to tie up the server so that no other sniper has time to make a bid (but you need a cable modem for the last part). **The getting of the temporary tags (paper license plates) is anuther story, which I'll no doubt post soon.  
  My bestfriend's brother's friend was a college student.  This college student would often become very lonely.  One night, he decided to use a plunger and shower rod for some fun.  He stripped himself naked, and lifted up himself via the shower rod and proceded to go up and down on the plunger.  He was doing this for sometime because the shower rod broke and he impaled himself on the plunger.  Ouch.  He's still alive.   
  She was languid, lucid, lupine even, as she slinked into my office wearing  a black dress that hugged all the right curves and, backlit against the hallway  light, was just a little transparent; she had a very pretty face, I suppose,  and I must admit it did turn me on when she licked her lips, not so much to  flirt with me, but to catch the fluid draining from the nickel-sized boil above her left eyebrow.     
  The supermarket near my home has flat panel displays at each register that show commercials (and nothing else) while you wait for your turn at the check-out.  I'm already waiting in line to buy their shit. By the time I'm in line, I have what I'm leaving with.  The only person more fucking stupid that the guy that thought this up was the asshole above him who approved it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Perhaps even more low than finding a child's money and not giving it back...  When I was little, my parents took us to some theme park. My dad was one scary looking guy at this point in time. We were standing in line to get in to the park or to get on a ride and y dad finds $50 on the ground right there. He may be scary looking, but he's an honest guy, so he looks around for an owner. We see this frantically looking around on the ground. Dad walks up to him and says, "Hey kid, is this your money?" The kid starts freaking out. He's terrified, completely TERRIFIED of my dad. He just took off in a dead sprint.   My dad kept the $50.        
  Last night I had the raddest dream I have ever dreamt. I was in the city at dusk. All of a sudden a gigantic ape foot came down and crushed the building next to me. I look up and it's King Kong!  Above the building across the street, a huge lizard head appears. The two beasts proceed to duke it out while I run away, occasionally looking back. My goal is to witness as much of this brilliant battle as I can while still trying to avoid being stepped on. Somehow I am able to predict the movements of the gargantuan monsters and I am able to watch them destroy my beloved city.  Now, a desperate plea. If there are any psychologists or experts on dreams, please write me and tell me what this means. I am curious as to your opinon. Until that moment arrives, however, I will just remember the experience of being in a Toho film.   God I love the Japanese.  
  My genius friend sees a mason jar shaped glass light fixture around a light bulb outside the door of the post office one night. I boost him up and he unscrews it and goes around the corner, naturally to take a crap in it. I carefully boost him back up to screw it back in and we go about our merry way. I heard that it exploded the next day a short time after they turned the light on...  
      Was in line at Circle K with 2 quarts of Olde English 800 in my hands ...guy in front of me was a skinny redneck with a mullet and tank top. His little girl (about 5 or 6 years old) stood next to him.     "Can I also get a copy of SHAVED and a copy of POCKETFOXX?" he said to the cashier lady.      His daughter just stared blankly.      He payed for his porn and walked out and as I put my quarts on the counter to pay for it I thought about how lucky I was to have the internet to get my porn.       Fuckin redneck loser fuck.  
  Sad; adj.- The only girl who has ever soberly told me that she wanted to have sex with me was my ex-internet-girlfriend, who unfortunately lived halfway across the country. Lowbrow; adj.- I had an internet girlfriend   see also: I would gladly have another internet girlfriend if I liked her enough and the opportunity presented itself.  
  emmia the spoilt lard-assed daughter of american scientist opined how she was appalled at the racism she had observed on her visit to the uk and how they had overcome all these problems back home. i pointed out that as she was speaking they were actually burning los angeles  
  What does it take to have an exceptional lowbrow moment? Sarcasm and wit that is incomparable in quality? A fantastic hilarity, not only in personality, but in story-telling? A sense of utter dispair that penetrates until the point of oblivion? An outstanding outlook on the meaning of life that is so profound that even the smartest of the species could not comprehend? A psychotic nature that is driven by the paranormal occurances of the world? Or just the epitome of average?        
  Thanks to the person who posted the address of the Nevada brothels' web site (www.nvbrothels.com), with the pictures of all their "ladies."  After wading through twenty or thirty images of hard-boiled, siliconed, world-weary washed-up whores, I'm grateful that I'm nowhere near Nevada, and I'm once again reminded of just how useful   Tom Thumb and his four buddies are to me...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         they say disney world is the happiest place on earth but i disagree. i went there and let me tell you the rides sucked there were way too may kids running loose and parents refusing to control them and to make matters even worse i got food poisoning and spent two days puking all over the park. happiest place on earth my ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Your search - Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow - did not match any documents.   The spelling correction - Leopold Porkstacker Cornswallow - also did not match any documents.     
  the shits in san fransisco my life was saved by barnes and noble  
  I work at a movie theatre it's cool enough but i know things that the public Never Knows Like..... When you ask for butter Your actually getting "partially hydronated soybean oil with a chief de-frothing agent" ha ha butter ha ha   
  I remember this one night, after drinking three cans of black cherry soda, I really had to take a piss. Seizing the moment, I unzip my pants and piss into one of the empty cans. At the next stop light, I open my door and gently place the warm, bubbly can of yellow goodness on the street. After driving down about 100 feet, I look in my rearview mirror and see an older series Accord run right over the can spraying my urine across the fenders of the car.  
  I pulled up to the gas pump with a strange glint in my eye.  I realized then and there I would rather fool around with a cousin than I would with a prostitute.  I sunk lower as I pulled away, I couldn't decide if I would rather fool around with a sister before a prostitute. I'm still deciding  This is the stuff bad dreams are made of.  
  I think my childhood disappeared when I discovered that "The Little Mermaid" had a penis on the cover.        
  My cousin is so stupid he thinks a "wiccan" is a white kid who tries to be Puerto "Riccan".    
  They should'nt be allowed to make spandex pants or short shorts larger than a size 8.  This would seriously shrink the wardrobe of the typical trailertrash I am so attracted to.  
  My pregnant wife has gone totally hormonal.  I just found out that the medical insurance I will be eligible for in two months completely covers vasectomies.  Oh yeah, its going to get interesting around here real soon.  
  A guy I dated once told me he quit going out with a girl because she answered the door while blowing her nose. He stopped seeing another one because she drove a pickup truck. He dropped another when she decided to change her major to cultural anthro from physical anthro. He had the balls to ask me the other day why he can't find a girlfriend. Oh, and the reason he stopped going out with me? I refused to eat anchovies on pizza.   
  Happy New Year lowbrow. I didn't get laid once in 2002. Dammit!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every one of my friends has attempted or at least seriously considered suicide.  Except me.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why can I never fit in?     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a few years back, a friend of mine was walking trough a field behind a mall. He hadn't slept the night before, and, feeling tired, decide to take a nap in the field.   ..only to be waked up, a few hours later, by two cops. He sat and asked:  "Uh, hi. I was asleep"  The cops:  "Someone called to say they saw a cadaver behing the mall."  My friend:  "I'm not dead. can i borrow your pen?"  He kept the pen to this very day.  
   I was so fucking bored one night I decided to take a nice drive.  I went through some residental neighborhood about 3 miles from my house.  I was like "fuck Im bored" but when I was driving past this one house I saw this guy watching Porn on his Big Screen TV.  Politely I didn't interupt him, instead I just pulled up next to the house and watched.  Then he saw me and was all embarassed and I gave him that look like "Its ok, I wont tell anybody".     
   Weymouth Part 2  (this'll be the final installment, I just have too damn much to say about Weymouth and it doesn't need to take up half the 'brow)  So I ran a Changeling game for my I-can't-get-laid-with-him, miraculously un-horny, but very kind and funny and annoyingly arousing boyfriend (Hi Morose!).  It was a one-shot. I set it in Weymouth, fictionalized and exaggerated.  Slightly.  He got slightly freaked out and was all like, "It was so unrealistic! I mean, how many 15 year olds humping on the floor can there  be  at a Pop Warner dance?!?"  You have no idea.  
  I just bought a used Curious George doll, from Value Village.  Its about 2 feet tall, and it still had the original tags on it, so if it was used, it makes me think it wasnt used much.  And it only cost me three bucks. But then again, I am a twenty-one year old man, with absolutely no use for it whatsoever. I just couldnt let it go to waste.  Its logic like that, that made me end up with three copies of the Flashdance soundtrack on vinyl.   
  I was in the bathroom at a bar and read the following on the wall in front of me  "Please do not throw toothpicks into the toilet, the crabs have learned to pole vault."  I laughed so hard i pissed on my feet.  
  Our standard small party, just a group of 10 or so of us getting drunk at one of our houses.  No big deal.  Until my friend decides he is hungry and needs some food.  So we volunteer to make a food run.  We collect orders and money and are on our way.  Approaching my car I decide that I am too drunk to drive, so I give him the keys.  Bad idea.  We make it about 3 yards down, before I make him stop.  Note: yards not street.  So I'm obviously better off driving than him, so we switch.  I get back on the road, and am driving quite well.  Two blocks down we pass the police station.  Note: don't party within earshot of the police station, especially when you are ALL underage.  Half mile later, sirens and lights kick in, behind me.  Fuck.  I pull over and tell my friend to let me handle this.  He doesn't object because he is staring so hard at the dashboard, it can only mean he is trying to blow shit up with his mind, or keep from vomiting in my car.  Police officer walks up and I roll down the window.  I get the flashlight in the eyes as I ask what the problem is. "Oh nothing, you just didn't have your headlights on".  Fuck. "You boys been drinkin'?".  Fuck.  He runs me through the tests, and I do moderately well.  Well enough that he tells me to go home.  Doesn't even check my license.  Yes.  I turn to walk towards my car, as I notice the distinct sound of it starting.  Fuck.  My car then begins to take off down the road in a peculiar and slow fashion.  Seems I had put the e-brake on and my friend failed to notice that when he tried to escape from the already resolved situation.  Fucker.  Car makes it 10 or 20 yards before he kills it, because he can't drive a stick well.  All the while the cop stands there completely dumbfounded.  After the car dies the cop and I kinda jog up there.  We pull my friend out and the cop asks him if he wants to take the breathalyzer.  My friend promptly throws up on him.  Yeah I went to jail that night.  Fucker.    
  My friends and I decided to smoke some pot that night... not an unusual event.  We smoked a whole lot.  There was a scale on the floor of my friends basement. You know, the type you stand on to find out your weight.  I thought to myself "How cool would it be if I knew how much my head weighed!" and I got on my knees and put my head on the scale.  I picked my head up and looked at the scale to see my head's weight.  Ironically it said "0."  "Oh no! I have no head!" I yelled as I began to bug out.   Don't smoke too much pot.  
   More Limbo Name-Dropping  I used to know Paul Newman. I really did. He lived with us on our farm in Yorkshire, and I drove him to and from University every day.  (O.K. - so you've figured out it's just some guy with the same name.)  We could all tell he just wasn't going to cut it at Lancaster University, or any other University. All he wanted to do was sleep. Every day, in the car, he would tell us his dreams from the previous night. He explained that he could instruct his brain exactly what dream he wanted, and it would deliver it, in Technicolor. He didn't live in the real world -- he lived in his dream world. If you listened to his dreams for a few days, and could figure out his trick, all you'd want to do is sleep, too...  
  I got up one morning and I went to the bathroom to change my tampon.  I did all of my business, not realizing that i did one of the stupidest things ever.  Later on that day probably around three hours later i went back to the bathroom to change my tampon.  As i looked imbetween my legs i saw two strings.  I tried to convince myself that the string split in half.  I started to pull on one of the strings, finding it more difficult than usual. After pulling out the tampon i noticed that there was still another string. It was then that i realized that i had put two tampons in at the same time. I was so shocked and scared that i called my mom up at work and asked her if anything bad can happen to your body if you stuck 2 tampons in at the same time. She said no, i laughed awkwardly and changed the subject.  
  have you been bad and not been flossing your teeth? i find, that if you leave a container of floss by your monitor, that while something is loading on your computer, you will think "ah what the hell" and start flossing your teeth. the same would prolly work good for a tooth brush, as long as you have something to spit into, and arent one of those people that stair at yourself in the mirror while brushing your teeth. this method could also be implemented into other activities that dont take to long that dont take to long, such as: masturbating (but it has to be a quickie), washing your face, cutting your nails, counting quarters,and possibly exersise. ok maybe not the last one, i mean thats what masturbation is, and its the only exercise i get. *sigh* my life is pathetic, i think of all these idea's to solve man kind's problems, and in the end i worry about my own. i need a robot to fuck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's a point in your life where the phrase "Oh you look so cute... i could just eat you" COMPLETELY CHANGES!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to Disneyland a few years ago and while I was standing in line to go on the Space Mountain ride, I noticed Sarah Michelle Gellar was in line with a couple of her friends right in front of me. She farted very loudly several times. They were all laughing and when they turned around and noticed I was laughing too, they gave me the look of death. I never watched "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You should always make friends with your local bar owners.   Last night, the bar closed at two. Then we settled in for some serious drinking action until about 7:00am. The woman who owns the bar tried to get me to piss all over her neighbor, talked me into running down the street naked around 4 in the morning, decided to fill up water guns with vodka (caution! don't shoot near your eye!) and then - the pot came out, the final few shots were taken, and off we were to breakfast.  Now I'm at work and Jesus Christ do I hurt.  
  she told me that whenever she and her friends would get drunk, they would almost always end up going skinny dipping all night, and telling eachother how beautiful they were.  jesus crist man.  is this what girls really do?        
  I walked past my friend's super hot girlfriend in the hall today. I made the following haiku as I passed:  Hello there Brittany You gave him head like 10 times You are so damn hot  I'm poetry in motion, baby!  
  having 16 guineapigs and not changing thier bedding in 2 weeks should eaither key you into the fact that you should change your guineapigs bedding more often or that you need to give away a few guineapigs  
  i refuse to accept offers from my friends to be set up on blind dates.  it's not that i'm afraid the guy'll turn out to be a huge loser and i'll hate him, it's that i'm afraid the guy's the set me up with will think that about me.          
  "Pay Gentle Lazy Losers For The Service They Provide.   Slothlike citizens rule.   The government should *pay* people like me, who just want to stay in bed all day, eat cold cereal, and watch TV."     Howabout we just kill Gentle Lazy Losers and use them for fertilizer instead? I mean, it's not like you're actually USING your life to do anything. You'll just twiddle your thumbs and be a leach until you hit 60 or so and realize you've been utterly boring and useless your entire life, at which point you'll start wearing a jumpsuit and trying to act like you never had the balls to when you were 20, much to the irritation of many.   In the words of the great Lemmy Kilmiester, "You ain't gonna live forever, so you better live right now."        
  Gonna have to get another job soon. I'm about out of paperclips and staples.   
  In the shower two minutes ago, I was washing my hair.  The shampoo dripped into my eyes.  Among the searing pain all that I could think was, "Fuck!!!  Now I have to get conditioner into my eyes or my vision will go all frizzy."  Shit, speaking of which, where's the Visene?...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         POP-UP Window:  IS THERE PORNOGRAPHY ON YOUR COMPUTER??  Well duh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The hand-job was perfect...she had lube...he was hot...and just as he reached the pinacle of orgasm...he farted.       
  My freind and I had this game 'what would you do for $100?'  turns out I'd do a hell of alot more than she would.  Thanks to an ad online, this now includes a 35-year old guy ticking me for 30 minutes.  Life has a funny way of making you either put up or shut up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So your porn name is comprised of the name of your dog, plus the name of the street you live on.  Frisky Rivers.  "'Scuse me ma'am, Frisky Rivers here to clean your pool..."  
  Overheard my husband asking directory assistance for his ex-girlfriend's number.  Don't know if he got it, but...just to make sure, cancelled the phone service.  No calls in, no calls out. He hasn't noticed yet, because every now and then I just talk to the void while holding the receiver to my ear.  I've still got my cell phone.  And the number to a real nasty divorce attorney.   
  Working at a grocery store, bagging an order in a pretty much empty store, my ear happens to catch part of the conversation the manager guy is having with another employee.  But, I only catch one phrase:  "rusty trombone"  
  My Crest SpinBrush came with an extra replaceable head.  I use that one to masturbate.  You'd think the bristles would hurt, but they only stimulate.  
  A six hour ride between Seattle and Portland became a nightmare in a mere ten minutes.  "Hi." he said as I sat down next to him.   "You know... you probably have hookworms.  I am a representative of The Awareness Corporation, have you ever heard of us?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I attended a private school that was grades K-12.  One day, a high school senior was found with a coke machine on his head.  He was trying to reach in the slot while shaking the machine to get free coke.  Honestly this is the major reason why all pop machines are bolted to the wall now.  He was dead.  There was a full school assembly to talk about the event.  There was a question and answer session to deal with the tragedy.  A few dumb questions came up and I had one burning question that I had to ask...  "Are his parents going to sue?"  I was told "that is silly, they are Christians, now sit down!"  My class mates all gave me shit, asked if I was trying to get business for my dad (an attorney) and I took hell for a good week.  In the end?  The parents sued the shit out of the school, coke and the faculty that should have been watching him.  All the teachers had to take a pay cut to pay for the settlement and some were let go, specifically the one who told me to sit down.  All I can remember thinking was "who's sitting down now, BITCH!"   
  My mom works in a doctor's office. One day she and I were heading to the store, when we were stopped by a patient just outside the door. She rambles on about how her brother is keeping their grandmother's ashes in the trunk of his car. She's getting really worked up, too. Just as an enormous group of people passes by, "THE BACK OF THE CAR IS NO PLACE FOR GRANDMA TO BE LIVING!"  My mother's response? "Atleast she gets out of the house."  
     This morning, I was sitting in a parking lot in the passenger's seat of my father's car. I was the only one in the car - he was making a quick stop at the market. I noticed an old man parking his car into the space in front of us.    "Wow, he's a pretty good driver for an old man," I thought. Suddenly, his car came rushing ahead at me and smashed directly into the front of my car.    Nothing was hurt but any respect I had for old people.       
  if was a friday night i had just gotten off work and so naturally i was out with the guys. we packed a bowl and were driving around looking for a place to smoke. on the road up ahead we see flashing lights and road flares. its the cops and we have an ounce of weed on us. it turns out to only be an accident and the cop appears to be waving me on so i drive through. he then yells to us and gets in his car to follow us. one thought went through the three of our heads: FUCK! we get pulled over and i roll down my window. the cop lets me off with a warning because of my innocent face. the next few moments down the road are silent. after a few miles my friend says "its a good thing he didnt find this"as he holds up the pothead puzzle book, my birthday gift from them. laughter erupts and we fire up the bowl.stupid cops.      
  It's my aunt's baby shower, so I am at the house with all of my female relatives.  It's me (19), my sister, mom, 2 aunts,  2 cousins, and grandma so far. Mom and grandma are talking about going to the casino later, which is something Dad HATES.  Mom has already spent a couple thousand this year at the casino, so now it's a secret when she goes.    I'm all like well What's in it for me if I keep that secret for you?  I could easily have told Dad.    Mom looks at me and says "There are a LOT of things about you that I could tell your father that I have kept secret for you!"  Hahaha like what (I'm an alcoholic pothead, but i really didnt think mom knew about it)..I'm a little nervous here...  "I'll tell him that you've been having SEX!"  All the relatives laugh so hard.  But I don't care, because dad has been picking up my birth control pills for me at CVS since I was 16.  The joke's on you mom!   
   Clearing The Table  What could possibly be better? I have two utterly beautiful women over for dinner. Just them and me. Nobody is going home tonight, in my mind. They don't really know each other, but while I'm hopefully working magic in the kitchen, they become close pals in no time. Then they suddenly get domestic. They clear the table and set it. I walk into the dining room and my jaw drops. The table is looking wonderful, but  where the hell is my hash?  I had an easy hundred dollars worth of god hash sitting out on that table! They didn't even notice it! They thought it was crumbs and threw it away! And there's no way to communicate this to them, of course. Sure, I'll end up the evening with both of them in bed, just for snuggles, but snuggles are absolutely just fine by me. But I can't help visualizing tommorow: Perhaps several hours of sifting through my trash can...  
  Does this condom make me look fat?  Really.  
  I was at the gym last night.   I'm doing crunches, which I hate, anyway.  The only other  person in the room is this  dumpy, fifty-ish woman.   (also, with the crunching)  Out of nowhere, (technically,  not "nowhere" at all, but her foul, rotten colon,) comes  the windiest, most putrid fart ever created.  Horrified, I take it as a sign  from God that it's time to call it a night.  As I'm leaving, The Hottest  Guy Ever comes into the room. Says I to him, "It was her."  
  Her question: "im kind of new to the area (east village) and have had bad luck finding clubs/ongoing-parties that spin mostly techno. anyone know of any? im looking for somewhere where i can party and hear some good techno / detroit / tech house. any tips? ive been to rubulad, and last week, the music was whack and totally non-danceable. tips?"  My response: "If there were a store you could go to where you could buy some depth, I'd recommend it."  
  She looked into the bowl of peanuts on the bar and exclaimed, "that's more mono-nuts than I've seen in my whole life!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I knew she was easy (not on the eyes, though) because my roommate had fooled around with her a few times.  We made out on the floor till 4 am and by that time she was giving me a handjob.  When I was "released", we stopped fooling around and went to sleep.  That was the last time I ever talked to her.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got up really late for rehearsal for a play the other day.  In the play, I play the very small part of a potential male prostitute who gets rejected by an escort service.  That's bad enough, but since I was running late, I had no time to shower or anything.  I threw on the same clothes I wore the day before, and ran out the door.  I realized on the walk that I hadn't even brushed my teeth, and my mouth tasted like the inside of a port-a-potty.  IT couldn't have smelled any pbetter.  So, I did the one thing I thought I could do to make it better. Menthol cigarette, anyone?  It did not help.  
  This was it.  The most beautiful, astonishing woman that had ever walked into the pub was leaving the next day.  She and I had flirted intensely, but she wanted the bartender, not me.  I say: "So, can I have the consolation prize?"  She: "What's that?"  Me: "Stand up, turn around, give me a hug and a kiss, and let me whisper in your ear."  She: "Absolutely!"  She grips me tight. I find my way through her wonderful hair to her ear.  (What the hell, what is there to lose?)  Me: "Make love with me."  She: "No!"  Me: "So, let me lick you to heaven and back, and then make love with you."  She: "Eh... no!"  Me: "So, how about I just lick you to heav..."  She: "No!"  Me: "Give me your panties."  She: "Eh... they're just cotton Hanes..."  I go into a white, cotton, Hanes panty swoon...  She: "eh... no"  I left as graciously as I could, but not before I got her e-mail address...   
  onourbacksmag.com is a lesbian porn site. i typed in onourbacks.com by accident and i was brought to the "Abundant Bible" web site  is that a sign from the allmighty that i shouldn't be looking at dyke porn and maintaining my unholy passions?  
  He'd been on anti-depressant meds for more than seven years. He was numb to everything.  All of us from our department went out to lunch one day. As I was waiting at the cashier's to pay my bill, I saw him repeatedly try to get out of the door on the wrong side.  The hostess kept telling him, "Sir, push the other side. Sir?" No one helped him; not even me, his friend.  
  sometimes i just sit there in my boxers thinking about all the books i'm not writing.        
  are you real was the query on occasion was the response        
  If I hear one more goddamn person say, "Must be nice" when they walk into the air conditioned server room I use as my office I'm going to freak out.  Its fucking 58 degrees in here year round.  That is too cold.  Its not even okay when its 100 degrees outside.  So don't make me smile at you and say, yeah it sure is.  Because its not.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If your taking a piss and your gum accidentally falls out of your mouth and into the toilet. LET IT GO. I don't care if it was your last piece. JUST LET IT GO!  
  I had just gotten my clitoris pierced about a month previous and I was itching to "try it out"... So I found this gorgeous boy, green eyes, black hair, stocky, cocky but dumb.  And that was perfect too.  I was in a fuck-em and leave-em phase and I just can't like a dumb man too much Anyway. So we went back to his place and pretty soon we were in bed and I was on top and just...about...there... He Yelped, I mean it, yelped "what the fuck" and I look down and there's blood.  EVERYWHERE. Now, I get really horny right before my period (and I mean RIGHT before) so I've had this unfortunate experience before, but this time was different for some reason I couldn't pinpoint. I run to the bathroom and realize that it's my clitoris not my vagina that's bleeding. I just about ran home.  I let the guy think it was inconvenient menstruation and told him I'd call him sometime.  It turned out I'd shot a blood clot out of my clit.  I guess I wasn't quite done healing yet...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i told my parents that i was pissed they had me circumcised. they looked confused. what a fucked up society we live        
  I've become obsessed with the brow.  Moreover, I now come to the brow hoping to get sage wisdom from sorry_e_e.  I've taken to copying all of sorry's posts I come across into a text file.    I had a dream, and in this dream, I was visited by a very attractive brunette wearing sun god clothes, surrounded by thousands of naked people throwing little pickles at her.  We had amazing sex (completely shocking about two-thirds of the thousands of pickle-throwers and making the days of the rest), and then she gave me a sign.  It looked like a normal piece of paper, 8.5x11, and on it was written the following words: "You will make a file containing sorry_e_e's posts".  I never knew what this dream meant, as I had it years ago, but when I first saw lowbrow (or, more appropriately, one of sorry's posts), I knew that my life's task was at hand.  I still have no idea what I'm going to do with the file.  I have two theories at the moment:  1) Each post is a snippet of a continuous story, and I'm supposed to put them together in the correct order  2) I read that someone was using sorry_e_e's handle fraudulently.  Maybe I'm supposed to determine which are valid and which aren't  Until then, I'll just have to keep on doing what I do now, which is print up multiple copies of them, run them through the shredder, and make pillows to sell to inmates.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Drinking by the bay in Groton CT: A very soused member of our party suggests that we punish him for past transgressions by boxing him in the head.  We complied without pulling any punches and he landed in the filth and trash beside the track bed a better man.  j  
  In first year university, I built a huge bong out of a stolen road pylon.  Three chambers, two hoses, and a big fat glass bowl sticking out the top.  I got invited to a party.  Found out there was a "smoking room" in the basement.  So I disassemble the bong, throw it all in a duffel bag, and haul it over to the party.  I spent the entire night meeting people and telling/hearing great stories.  Philosophical discussions, theoretical dissertations, and the meaning of life; everything was open to discussion.  Where's the lowbrow part?  The next day I couldn't remember a single person that I met, a single word that I said, or basically what went on all night.  But somewhere, somehow, I know in my heart that I was at my finest that night.  
  every guy, if he's honest with himself, has to admit to having some sort of panty fetish.  me, i get sprung by white cotton bikinis or anything by hanes her way.  sure, thongs are cool.  but i got a weakness for the classics.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I actually saw the Beatles. My mom took my sisters and I.  This was back in their collarless Nehru jacket days, with just a single 100 watt Marshall amp on the stage.  I didn't say I  heard  the Beatles, because I didn't. I also didn't hear anything else for about three days.   I'd never been more scared in my life.  One sister threw her panties at them.  The other sister got into a scratch-fight with the girl in front of her. The girl was ejected and showed up on the front page the next day.  And my mom? She sat through the whole thing, saying over and over:  "If everybody would just sit down and be quiet, they'd all see and hear a whole lot better."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm at a party and this girl I sort of know somehow gets beer foam on her boob.  Drunkenly, she says, "GEE, I NEED SOMEONE TO GET THIS FOAM OFF MY BOOB.  MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD LICK IT OFF FOR ME!"   Naturally, I licked it off.  What does she do? She gets all huffy and acts like I'm a total pig for doing that to her.    Jeez.  I was only doing it to be nice to a drunk girl.  For cripes sake, it was like a 32AA boob on a 21-year old, inside a shirt, inside a sweater.  She gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the semester.  See if I lick YOUR breast again next time you ask.    
  You know a party is over when the 40yr old + neighbors who are avid drug dealers, come inside the house...holding bottles of Boones, rolling a lady in a wheelchair  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a beard, its not a very impressive beard, just a basic beard i grew when i left my service in the UN!    It s about 8 inches long, and because of my viking/scottish heritage, it s bright red!    About a year ago i was out driving my old motorcycle, a souped up Triton-67 caf racer, on the small backroads outside of Stockholm!    When i cut a corner and raise my head to get a better look, pain suddenly floods through me, my beard got stuck in the throttle, and i am going quite fast, so i lean forward and loose my grip and try to slow down...    Nope, no way this bike is going to go any slower, my beard has effectivly jammed the throttlehandle, so i do what i have to do, i yank my head backwards as hard as i can!    I spend about 30 minutes in a reststop getting the remains of my beard out of my handle, tears still in my eyes!    My beard is now about 3 inches long...   - hertigbrandgul@regerar.com     ok dude what is with all the exclamation marks you freak!  your beard was obviously not oiled every day.        
  At the time, it seemed like a good idea to cook the pound and a half of bacon on the electric barbeque outside the back door of the cabin so that we wouldn't wake up all the passed-out partiers scattered about inside.  Somehow, the cabin's owner didn't appreciate our reasoning when we blackened half the outside wall and burned a hole on part of the roof from the ensuing flames.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Wise man once say..... Man who stand on tolet high on pot!  
  I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         something just came to me while making a sandwich....  alcoholic jelly...    
  he only had about a minute to jimmy the lock get steven outta the closet and into the bathroom and back into the closet before sister psycho eileen came back to the classroom with principal see steven hadda go but because he didnt ask sister psycho the right way she locked him in the closet he was gonna wet himself she left   no way not to my friend steven  jamming the paperclip into the lock he finally got the door open  steven flew toward he bathroom but ran into sister psycho as she had doubled back to get something he wet himself at the sight of her ok  what did this teach little steven at a tender age except that nuns are psycho i got screwed for picking the lock she bashed me but good steve still cant laugh about it twenty five years later neither am i     
  she seems to think that drinking beer alone is a sign of me being an alky.  i think that it is a sign of not having friends anymore        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I sent the URL for this site to my boyfriend. He submitted his moment, which was about his ex-girlfriend leaving him for a member of a band known as Buttsteak.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  Last night was my first time ever going to a frat party.  It was a 'mardi gras' themed party, so I figured it would be a good first impression.  My first mistake was going at all, but my next mistake was not being drunk.  I didn't drink at all, while all my friends did, and they all got VERY drunk.  I spent most of the evening keeping them out of trouble and at many pains to me.  I figured it was just my turn to take one for the team, but something made me very glad that I didn't drink that night...  As I was going to sleep I heard what I thought was someone throwing up.  I was a bit concerned about my friends, and was worried they might need some help.  When I turned on the lights I saw that my friend's roommate had vomited all over the back of another friend.  Neither of them awoke.  I thought about waking them to help them clean up.  Being the good friend I am though, I picked up my sleeping back and pillow and went to sleep somewhere else.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in the seventies my mother took me to the mall to meet santa claus.  waited in line for upwards of an hour.  sat on his lap and had my picture taken.  Later on in the mall I had to pee and went down the hallway where the bathrooms were.  santa clause was there by the coke machine with his beard off.    i stopped and froze.    he had a cigarette burning in his hand.  "what are you looking at, kid?"  the urine spread in a warm blossom on my trousers and wet my sneakers.   
  "being in the original wrapper" does not give any and eveyrthing the edible seal of approval.    
  This one time I had two guys over at once.  I was so high that the only way I could tell the difference of who I was sucking off was by the difference in girth.  Man, who am I kidding?  I should just start charging.  
  Look, there are two kinds of crazy.  The funny, sad kind and the scary, sad kind.  So where's me in that mix?  Let's just say my kind of crazy doesn't come with a laugh track.  
  try covering the tip of your penis with vaseline and then taking a piss. man what a mess that can be.   
  So I got this new camera phone the other day.  I keep taking all of these pictures when I am drunk everynight.  I passed out the other night drunk naked and in a paddel boat.  Someone stole my phone and took a picture of me.  I looked glourious!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The moment was: ... She tells him that she has a parrot and she thought the parrot was lonely. So she decides in order to alleviate its loneliness, she finds its parrot penis and she JERKS IT OFF. What could possess someone to do this?   Now whose lowbrow moment is this? Hers for doing it? His for being told the story? Or mine for hearing the story from him?  - lowbrowgirl@yahoo.com  -----  The Answer: Parrots don't have penises.   That makes it her moment for lying, yours and his for believing that parrots have penises, and mine for actually knowing enough about avian anatomy to ridicule you.      
  I keep packets of mustard and ketchup in the glove box for those panhandling fucks with signs that say "will work for food".    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i work for this concert promoter company, right? lightbulb.  "lets start a side project wherein we videotape rock stars recieving blowjobs from hot naked groupie chicks.  the rock stars get free blowjobs, the hot naked groupie chicks finally get to live out their fantasy, and we get paid while drinking lemonade in the shade. we'll call it 'Backstage Blowjobs'."  i give and i give and i give. what do i get in return?  a dumbfounded look from my boss.  
  i got high before working my shift at a fast food place.  i spent the entire day sending out cheeseburgers missing an ingredident.  forgetting the mustard, the pickles... no big deal.  i knew i was in trouble when i sent out a tray of cheeseburgers with no meat.  twice.  
  i remember getting slapped by a nun and then asking her if jesus would slap a small child thats when i learned how to take a punch        
  Ever notice that when your stoned that you know everthing and the world is a great place.  Then you wake up next to your Girlfriends Sister and wonder what the hell you smoked last night.  Time for a wake and bake.  
  her saliva   on my cock  my hand  on her tit  made possible  by the lie   that I gave:  Yes,  I am single   
  So I'm pissing in the local gyms urinal when I hear a groan come from the stall to my right.  I look over and there is an Asian guy lying on the floor in the stall with the door locked and his head and torso outside of the stall flat on the floor on the tile, legs on either side of the throne.  I asked him...  "are you alright"  to wit he replied  "yeah, just a little nausea"  to wit I thought  "dude, your lying in piss"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ambulance lingo.... F.I.D.O.  stands for "fuck it, drive on"  its said when they drive up onto a fender bender where no one is hurt  
  Lowbrow has greatly lowered my expectations of the human race.    
  I started to go down on this girl,  I cradled her breasts in my hand as I gently squeezed her nipple.  I proceeded south, When she asked me "Did you remember the type writer."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         December 5th    (my wife and i, in the car, listening to news reports about the palestinian suicide bomber in isreal.  the one who killed himself...in a hotel lobby....while nobody else was close enough to take with him.  Minor injuries to 3 or 4 people, and he's the only fatality)  me:  those guys who hijacked the planes on september 11th are like the Babe Ruth of suicide terrorists, right?  she:  i guess so, and that would make this guy Bob Euker   
  watched a girl in california jerk off on her webcam, and i let her watch me at the same time on mine. i think i was thinking about my girlfriend at the time, so it's not too bad. my girlfriend's hotter anyway and not as fat, and her slit is trimmed much nicer.  nothing about it was bothering me. that is, until halfway through i got an icq message from my mother.  dunno why i messaged her back.  
  reading Limbo's account of gastroscopy reminded me... feeling a bit acidy one day I asked my gastro friend if he would scope me and look for an ulcer or something.  They slipped me right in the old schedule and there I was. I asked if I wanted the sedative stuff ?? what for?  he says that it doens't make it any better you just forget everything after they give you the antidote.  He says that the guys regularly verbally abuse their patients while they are under "keep still you bastard" "wider you old cunt"  errrrr  I'll pass.  The bastard scopes my guts.. the anaesthetic tastes like baboon shit. I have a gag in and he approaches my pyloric sphincter. "Hey just my stomach!!"  I said but I have a gag in and I feel the bastard shove the probe into my small intestine!!  The lowest part of all this is that all the while a nurse is patting my head and uttering soothing words like I'm a doofus patient off the streets and all I can think of is that she is the ugliest old fucker I've ever seen and I can't even see down her cleavage while he's scoping me. Anyway.. then he yanks it out.  Consider your engine dipstick.. you pull it out and reach for a rag to wipe the oily shit off.  Well after a scoping that rag is your tongue and mouth and the scope had just been down your intestines.. Hmmmmm go figure.  
   Even as she becam e more excited and tense, she could not, WOULD not shake this  thought that inside, there must be something more sinister, like straight out of a Jim Thomson book.. Sweat glistened on a once confident soul.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  It doesn't matter why you say it, but the statement 'Where the fuck are my pants?' is always funny in any context  
  I used to masturbate to the ESPN workout shows too  Then the bastards moved them to ESPN 2, which my cable company did not carry  Getting Direct TV - 3 channels of ESPN and a BIG ASS bottle of lotion  
   i was sitting at table with my old roommate and the girl he was desperately interested in.  they were sitting face to face and their knees were touching.  i said something pretty funny and he laughed through his nose and blew a huge booger right onto this girl's leg.  we all were looking down at this huge apparition on her leg  the silence was really unbearable, i began laughing and said in between breaths,  "do you want me to get that for you, Tim?"     needless to say, he never got another date with her and he still hates my guts.  
  after graduating from highschool I took a job working as a Nurse's aid on night shift.  I had to clean all these old men and women's asses for 8 hours. They'd shit themselves, I'd clean it.   Then I'd go record it.  Yes, we had a 3 ring binder called: The BM Book.  Where we had to record all the bowel movements of our patients that night.    I could find out how many times someone had taken a shit in the last month. What a cool fucking book.    
  Have you ever let your tongue get ahead of your brain while trying to talk and what comes out is a garbled and alarming statement that doesn't quite sound like what you meant it to sound like?  Chicken McNiggets  Yeah, I was pretty mortified too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Carl Sagan and Richard Feynman.  Carl Sagan - American astronomer and popularizer of science, Sagan is best known for his research on the possibilities of extraterrestrial life (or exobiology), including experimental demonstration of the production of amino acids from basic chemicals by radiation.  A professor of astronomy and space sciences at Cornell Univ. after 1968, he was involved with numerous NASA planetary space probes and was the creator and host of the 1980 public television science series Cosmos. His publications include The Dragons of Eden (1977; Pulitzer); a novel, Contact (1985); with Richard Turco, A Path Where No Man Thought (1990), on nuclear winter; with Ann Druyan, Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors (1992); Pale Blue Dot (1994); and The Demon-Haunted World (1995).  Richard Feynman, 1918-88, American physicist, b. New York City, B.S. Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 1939, Ph.D. Princeton, 1942. From 1942 to 1945 he worked on the development of the atomic bomb. He taught (1945-50) at Cornell Univ. and became professor of theoretical physics at the California Institute of Technology in 1950. The Feynman diagram, proposed by him in 1949, shows the track of a particle in space and time and provides a clear means of describing particle interactions. Feynman also made significant contributions to the theories of superfluidity and quarks. In 1957 he and Murray Gell-Mann proposed the theory of weak nuclear force. Feynman shared the 1965 Nobel Prize in Physics with Shinichiro Tomonaga and J. S. Schwinger for work leading to the establishment of the modern theory of quantum electrodynamics. He wrote the influential Feynman Lectures on Physics (commemorative issue, 3 vol., 1990), Feynman Lectures on Gravitation (1994), and Feynman Lectures on Computation (1996).  Carl Sagan and Richard Feynman.  Two of the most brilliant and important scientists of the 20th century.  And two big fucking potheads.  Right on.   Clavis   
  I went to the drugstore the other day to buy Stridex, Preparation H, and wart medicine.  There was a time that would have embarassed me.  
  so i bought this kroger brand rainbow sherbet, thinking there'd be an even distribution of the three flavors.  instead, after digging through a shallow layer of orange and pink-ish sherbet, i've found that 89% of the box is lime.  great.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Luckiest Woman In NY  Late night, driving down one of my favourite roads, the Taconic Parkway. Road is empty, except for a gorgeous V-12 Jaguar ahead of me. It suddenly goes dead -- lights out, everything. Driver pulls over. So do I. In 1978, there were probably 10 Jaguar mechanics in all of New York State. I'm one of them. I get out, thinking that this is one lucky driver. Jaguars in those days were like gorgeous racehorses that come up lame every time they go for a canter. I knock on the window. Woman inside looks utterly terrified. She won't roll the window down. I ask her to pop the bonnet (hood) and lend me a flashlight. She pops the bonnet, but says she doesn't have a flashlight. She's probably lying -- just doesn't want to roll the window down and doubtless get raped. What the hell -- I'll do it in the dark. This is one of the most complex engine compartments in the world, but I've always said I could work on them with my eyes closed, so here goes. I already know what the problem is, anyway: Jaguar patriotically uses Lucas Electric (motto: "Get home before dark") equipment, and there's one fat little connector in there that always joggles loose, killing everything. I feel for it -- yup. The lights come back on. Lady cries: "Could you close the hood?" I do, and she pulls out, burning rubber. Some of that rubber runs right over my foot. Welcome to America.  
  She comes like a waterfall. We made love while she wore boy's underware. Somehow i found an opening. Afterward she presented me with the very wet underware. They smell great.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As most office picnics are wont to do, it became a drunken mess by the time the sun set. Guys were off playing mock-football while the women gathered in little huddles to trade tragedies. I'll see your hysterectomy and raise you a retarded second child... you know. One woman went off on a long explanation of why she wasn't in a "committed" relationship, something about being sexually abused by her father at an early age.  "Excuse or fond memory?" I muttered to the woman next to me, just as a silence fell over us all.  Muttering is never nearly as clandestine as you hope.  
  I remember sleeping over at my friend's house on some occasions. On these many occasions, in the middle of the night, I hear the alarm clock go off. I hear a tune of Bach's 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring' as the alarm sound, which was weird. Weirder thing was the fact that no one, I mean no one ever bothered for hours to turn that damn thing off.  It was somewhere in the house just playing that damned annoying, haunting tune in the middle of the night. I thought it would just stop or I would just sleep through it. I thought it was infernal.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Celebrating a friend's birthday on a wednesday night, I had that "fuck the world" attitude and I decided I was going to do some extra heavy drinking.  The birthday party was at a local pizza buffet joint and we even went so far as to get a cake to celebrate the occasion.  As with all birthdays, there was way too much cake and as drunk as I was, I thought it would be a good idea to try to finish it all myself.  Of course, by 11:30, I'm puking in my bathroom.  By 12:30, I pass out on my bed with the lights on.  Somewhere between 30 seconds and two hours after I laid down to go to sleep, I wake up with the intense desire to throw up again.  I look around the room and notice that I left the door to the bathroom open.  It's somewhere around 10 feet from my bed.  Then I start thinking about what I have to do at work tomorrow - No meetings until after noon, no other pressing deadlines.    So I just threw up on the comforter and washed it the next day.  It took two runs through the washer, but it was totally worth it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't have sex right now.  My boyfriend tied me up, got too rough, and his stubble left a scab on my inner thigh.  
  My girlfriend asked me if I slept alright last night...I cleverly responded "No, I think I made some mistakes" Now she wont sleep with me anymore...  
  Was watching SNL reruns recently and was reminded of what a little prick David Spade is.  Years ago, when I was a struggling actor in LA (natch), I worked catering at one of the Batman premiere parties.  We had to wear these awful wigs and leather jackets while running around making sure all the food was stocked...as you can imagine, it was a very hot and sweaty job.  As I was picking up some trash from one of the tables that David Spade was standing by, he turned around pulled my wig off  in front of all of his friends and everyone else at the party who happened to be looking.  I must have looked gorgeous with my sweaty hair pulled back in a gazillion uneven barettes!  I just rolled my eyes and put the wig back on.  That guy is a jerk.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         speeding isn't lowbrow. 70+ in a 45. What do I get for this? Traffic School. 8 Hours of knodding off, staring aimlessly. Trying desperately to pass the time.  Went to the bathroom, hoping to take another 15 minute crap. My junk had become excited due to the fantasizing about the chick in the next row (yum velvet pants that fit her oh-so nicely.  Was sitting on the can, not really doing anything, not even takin a crap cuz i didn't really need to, I was just trying to waste time. So I figured, what better way to spend 10 minutes than feeding the 9 inch snake?  Jerking off in the traffic school bathroom to pass the time, now that's lowbrow.   
  She made me take a shower before we could have sex.  I couldn't blame her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Was listening to some music, when I saw my dog walk into the room, bobbing her head, making it looks like she was rocking out to my music, later I learned she was just choking..,  
  "Before I met my wife, she was babysitting her younger nephew about that time he was still in diapers.  She came home from work one day and began to play with him, not realizing he had just finished eating.  When she was tossing him up in the air and catching him again, just as she raised him over her head to do it again, he threw up right into her mouth!!  MMmmmm!  Chunky style formula!  Yummy!!"  
  a good saturday afternoon is drinking cheap-ass midori sours on my apt. balcony, watching traffic, yelling "excelsior" at every passing car.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have had five 'serious' boyfriends since I was 14. I am now almost 20.  *The first one, A, is my best friend and lives happily having one night stands with other males every weekend. *Next is S who is now married to the girlfriend he had before him and I dated.  *D is next. Scott's best friend. Lost my virginity to this one. He's a junkie backpacker who spends his nights in a youth hostel that is above a pub in a small town in Australia.  *G is next. I cheated on him with a 22 year old who was also my uncle's (by marriage) brother. You can guess how that relationship ended.  *The last one, J, lost his virginity to a girl who has the same tattoo as I do last year when I was in Australia having sex with a 30 year old whose little sister was in my ceremics class when I was in the ninth grade. J and I were dating at the time.   Do you think there is something wrong with me?   I think it's the guys fault.  
  I'm so horny that the idea of driving 6 hours to Boston to cheat on my fiance (who's in Jamaica) sounds completely reasonable.  If he agrees to meet me halfway I'm gonna get laid tonite.  My only alternate pissed in my bed the last time he was over and didn't mention it as I was sleeping on the couch cause of the snoring.  I was kinda curious why he nearly ran out of the house putting on his pants.  We haven't talked since.  
  i have to resist the powerful urge to put on my college applications that one of my achievements is giving a busty girl a rasberry* on her tit, and the next morning when i tried to apologize for my drunken inappropriate behavior she told me there was nothing to be sorry for. because that honestly is one of the crowning achievements of my life.  * a rasberry is like when you put your open mouth on your arm and blow so it makes a fartlike sound.  
  jeff shit in a pizza box then he put it in the elevator and sent it down to the first floor i laughed my ass off  
  I really enjoy pissing at public urinals... simply because I like pissing on the urinal cakes and seeing how much of it I can make erode. One time I made about half magicaly dissapear. I was quite amused. The chicks are missing out on this fun little game.  
  hottest day of the year in new york city. my tanktop is stuck to my back, and some old fucker leered at me as we crossed paths on the sidewalk saying "nice panties."  and now i've been caught shoplifting used indie-rock CDs. the counter guy looks at me like i'm the most pathetic creature he's ever seen.  i hike up my pants with one hand.  jesus, i can't even afford pants that don't fall off my ass.  
  A question on a job application I filled out the other day:  Do you know how to rollerskate? And if so, can you rollerskate backwards?  They got some kinky stuff goin' on in that place!......Hhhhhmmmmmmm  Next thought that popped into my head:  In how many positions could you have sex while rollerskating (frontwards or backwards)?  Yeah, I'm a perv.  
  There was this annoying guy at work, I didnt hate him or anything, he was just annoying.  One day when he was not there I took his phone apart with a screwdriver and put a slice of my pizza inside of his phone then put it back together.  Its probly still there to this day.  Before that I opened it up and broke one of the lights inside so he couldnt tell when he was muting a customer. hehe  
  So my buddy always asks, in detail, what sex with my fiancee is like.  What's weirder:  He wanting to know  or  Me wanting to tell  
  "My wife died right on that spot," the old man pointed at Andy sitting on the rose colored stale couch.  Andy's eyes opened wide.  I had to keep myself from throwing up, the old man's dog was wearing a cast...the scent of decay lingered through the air.  And we thought we had been rescued from the cold.         
  Every day I thank god for the D.A.R.E. program.  Because without it I would never know what real pot looks like and I would continue to buy spices.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting here at my computer at some ungodly hour of the night, reading 'brows.  I can't sleep because my stomach is doing somersaults inside me, and I don't know why.  All I know is that I can't stop farting or burping.  I feel the urge coming on, so I let one rip.  Gives off a great resonance from the plastic chair I sit on at my desk.  About two seconds later, I am forced to leave my living room for a while to air out.  The only time I've ever managed to gass myself out of a room, and all I could think was "I can't believe there's no one else here to smell this!"  
   lowbrow   lo'brou  n.    a person who is uninterested in intellectual pursuits    lowbrow, lowbrowed   lo'brou, -broud'  adj.    characteristic of a person who is not cultivated or does not have intellectual tastes; "lowbrow tastes"      
  Where there's smoke, there's fire.  Except for where there's dry ice.            
  The day I slipped and hit the large, circular, wooden bed post was the day I stopped jumping on the bed.   It hurts my nuts just thinking about it.  
  i became a male cheerleader on the hope of fondeling the most beautiful girls in school and spending all summer in a dorm room full of titties.  i spent 2 years listening to the most beautiful girls i school complaining about their sexually transmitted diseases.  
  It's when I'm too sweaty and have bad breath and I'm wearing the shirt that I wore to the smokey, dingy, sweaty club that she tells me she loves the way I smell. *ahem*.....eek.  
   I'm sorry, you guys, but every time I read a moment that mentions the Society for Creative Anachronism...    I mean, seriously.   
  "Holy SHIT, am I tired!" I moaned as I stretched at work one day. I didn't realize just how loud I moaned that until I looked around the small office and saw everyone staring at me.         
  Turdlets - small, hard, round balls of feces..occuring after atleast seven days of opiate narcotics use  
  I was having sex with this girl and she moaned in my ear, "Where do you want to cum?"  Yeah right. I mean, think of how much trouble you got into when you tried to answer, "Am I fat?" or "Do you think that girl is cute?"  
  My dad came home from a trip to London on the company dime and gave the family cheap presents that he obviously bought at the air port.  I got a porcaline (sp? whatever it's lowbrow) hand painted stash box.  Very classy.  In my head I yelled "Stash box!" and then realized that I couldn't say that without getting dirty looks.  So I say "Oh, I can put my change in there!"  My mom turns around from her gift and says "What'd you get? ... Ooo! Stashbox!"  The second part of that story is I actually do use it for change.  
  My first true love had a fascination with my zits. When she saw one, her hands would eagerly come together in a squeezing motion, and she'd beg me to allow her to "fix" it. I always allowed her, even though it hurt quite a bit. Some of them spurted smelly "yellow matter custard" (quote from the Beatles, if you don't know), but that just satisfied her even more. She went on holiday (vacation) with her parents, and came back with severe sunburn. So I really got into peeling her dead skin off in sheets (hey, it was one way to persuade her to get naked!), and then I would eat her dead skin right in front of her. Aaah, the mysteries of teenage love...  
  When he walked in the room, the first thing he said was, "It smells like fucking weed in here."  I said, "No, it smells like sex."    Hmmm...that didn't seem to help me out like I thought it would.  
  I was at a friend's home and we were playing video games when his sister-in-law ( who is 14 ) came to see us. She was chewing something. She then took the gum out of her mouth and asked us to chew it.   "NO WAY! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" was our answer.  Then, she went to see her parents. She asked the same thing to them.  They agreed. They chewed the gum, then gave it back to her and she chewed it again.   I never went back there when she was.  
  january eggs   i sold my car that was registered in vermont.  i left my friends and my bicycle in california.  i got lost in the fog in illinois.  i conceived of a grand idea in kansas.  i hope to do business with a company in colorado.  i have w-2's from rhode island.  i crashed and totaled someone else's volvo in pennslyvania.  i have a driver's license from florida.  i'm hoping to build an empire in new york.  my heart is on block island.  i reside in jersey city, new jersey.   - w. bigarrie january 1995      
  the raging werehog on schrooms was cutting into my buddys buzz with her blahblahblah about who the fuck cares what she asked him at an incredible volume nearly shrieking did you hear what i just said to wit he replied yeah so why dont you lick the bottom of my sweaty shaft bitch at the same volume as the room fell silent nose douches of beer from several of the party goers as i nearly pissed myself at the hilarity  
  Sitting here on a computer at school trying to read all the lowbrows that aren't firewalled.   About every other lowbrow is unaccessable due to "obscene content". So I must type in lowbrow.com yet again and hope that the next one is presentable enough for our upstanding institution.  Like scraping resin from the bowl. Not high-quality, but at least it's something.  
  17 years old. School's a drag. All my best friends are potheads. We hang together all the time. The only common denominatior...our good friend 3ft. graphix bong and the tasty little greens that fill it's mouth. It's an affluent community that we live in. Driving down the freeway on our way home in a 72' firebird. We'd smoked everything we had down by the river and the only contraband we had was of course, the 3ft. bong. Stuffed neatly under the driver seat. Cop pulls us over. We're kinda scared, but know we have no drugs on us. Eventually the cop searches the car, and finds the bong. We are all standing roadside as he carries the bong, baseball bat style. Giving us a shit eating grin. He winds up, and swings the bong, the base heading straight at the curb.   It was as if the base of that thing was filled with rubber, because as fast as he swung it down, it seemed as if it returned at twice the speed, spun out of his hand and into oncomiing freeway traffic. Heh...he busted the windshield of a passing car. That was one amazing bong.   We all got in really big trouble.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's nothing you can get stuck in your keyboard that a can of pressurized air can't force out.  Not even krab salad.  
  step 1: wake up  step 2: go to work  step 3: drink  step 4: sleep  repeat  
  Do post-adolescent goths just wake up one afternoon realise "Holy fuck, it  was  just a phase!", put on some Dockers, and go to work in the human resources departments of multi-nationals or something? I don't see any old goths around. Maybe they all just evenually die from a vitamin d deficiency.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My family bought a radio that goes in the shower. Its waterproof and hangs on the wall by two suction cups. Its not exactly the best radio ever, so if you stand in certain places you block the reception from certain stations. I was listening to my favorite station, and I started cleaning my nuts. As I was moving my hand around, it would cut off for a second.  Apparently, the position of my nuts was determining weather or not I got to listen to music.  
  as i climbed the escalator towards another lonely lunch, i looked up and saw a homeless lady in front of me. she was barefoot and dirty. she smelled of the streets, of dumpsters that filled the back alleys, of insanity. i followed her as she walked uncaringly into the corporate dining hall.  i saw herdart towards a line that was filled with suits. i lost her as a group of yuppies passed me. maybe she finally got to feel like more than a bag lady.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Randomly have sex with a guy that is in the frat that all my friends are in...don't really know him but he's friends of friends. A week later, we're all sitting around talking and another kid says his last name, which I remark is very similar to mine. Guy I slept with looks up, asks, "Hey, what IS your last name?" I give him a look. I say my name, then, ".....what's yours?" He tells me. So I shake his hand, "Nice to meet you." We just sit there, shaking our heads at our own stupid sluttery and smiling.  
  I watched as this guy and his cousin watched one of their brothers having his back humped in the snow by the family dog. They thought it was hilarious to see his jacket covered in dog come. I wheeled around, went back in the house and considered puking.  
  I've been watching a lot of reality shows lately... you know, like Big Brother and Survivor and MTV's Sorority House, that kind of shit. They follow a formula as far as casting goes. There is always a Slut, a Bitch, a BibleThumper, a Minority, and a Nice Person.  I can't decide which one I'd want to be. But I know I always root for the Slut to win.   
  As I waited at a buddy's house for him to get ready, I called out his name.  His dad, who has the same name, comes running down the stairs with his balls jiggling.  He looked at me and I looked at him, we turned our seperate ways and neither of us ever said a word.  
  My boyfriend woke up with the usual morning wood. He figured that he would take advantage and jerk off. He fell asleep while jerking off and woke up 2 hours later with his dick still in his hand.   
  Heard on the street, from one homeless man to another:  "I was caught in the Grocery Story eating food off the shelves again today."  ...pause...  "The police didn't arrest me or nutin, they just said they felt sorry for me."  With this, a mirthful laugh  "That's why you should only ever eat cat food at the Grocery Store"  
   Sperm: The New Antidepressant  From some random e-mail from nowhere:  Dear Cecil: A while back I read an article about how sperm may be an antidepressant for people who ingest it in one way or another. But that's not my question. What interests me is that a few months later, I read an article about the scientist who proposed that theory. He said what started him down that line of thinking was that he read a study about how cohabiting lesbians' menstrual cycles don't sync up. He theorized it was because of their lack of sperm ingestion. Last I heard (but I have been out of Catholic school for over 17 years), nuns in a convent don't ingest sperm, yet their menstrual cycles sync up. So what's the deal with cohabiting lesbians? --Gordon, Brooklyn, NY  Few things here: I'm sure LaDee (Hi, sweetie!) is dying to find out the answer. The answer is that cohabitating women's menstrual cycles don't actually synch up -- just an urban legend. Last: How can he be so sure that nuns in a convent don't ingest sperm? After all, Catholic schoolboys certainly ingest more than their fair share...  
  I had been try to schedule a date with her for two weeks. She was interested, just busy. Finally we are set for a weekday dinner.  She shows up with a hospital visitor's badge. Her mother is dying and she left just long enough to have dinner with me. I was both impressed and horrified.  I tried to get her to go out that Saturday, but she said she had a previous appointment: to arrange the funeral.  
  I used to have a list of questions titled "Questions to ask God." Now I have a list of questions titled "Questions to ask Brian."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes my wife and I like role playing games.  She pretends to be an overbearing, hyper-sensivive, complaining bitch and i pretend not to care.  Maybe we're really role playing all the other times.           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here's a story about a boy named Jeremy and his girlfriend, Abbey. They were hitting hard times in their relationship, because she hated Jeremy. Jeremy could sense the trouble. He thought the problem was that she was worried about having sex and the complications that would arise. So he knew what to do.  They had a phone conversation. She has decided it's time to end it all. "Look, Jeremy, I've gotta say something. There's something wrong with our relationship."  Jeremy in his misguided moron way says, "Oh, don't worry about it."  "What?"  "Don't worry about it, I got it covered."  "What do you mean?"  "I bought a big box of condoms."  She laughed her ass off, told him they were through, and hung up.  He cried.  Stupid fucking pussy.  
  *beep* ... "Hello, George... (panting and static) I am wearing the suit from the Men's Wearhouse...  (heavy breathing) especially the slacks, that fit so very well... (pleasurable sigh) I want to thank you... *Personally*,  George...(breathy chuckle)"  *click*        
  The Jazz musician with the faded fedora walked from table to table saying,"Stick around, we've got another set."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  The best Easter on record... most of the family was out of town. So G'pa and I went to mass and left directly from the church, drove to Nevada and our favorite casino.  Did the usual blackjack, buffet, drinks thing. And then this woman is tapping me on the shoulder saying "do you want to do the money machine?" Well Hell yes, i do! A few minutes later I'm thinking this wasn't such a good idea. Because i'm still wearing my floaty easter dress with thigh high stockings and my favorite 4" heels.  And then they hit the switch. Money begins flying everywhere, and so does my skirt.  Ahh, screw it. Let the old guys get a look. I have car insurance to pay. 250 dollars later I'm done flashing the poker players, and running for the bar.  Happy Easter boys  
  In collage I lived in a large 'house' owned by the school.  My girlfriend arrived back from break a day or two before everyone else one year and we decided to have sex in every one of the house's 11 bedrooms.  I ate her pussy on some freshman's bureau and she sucked my dick on her best friend's bed. We saved a room belonging to one of my more annoying housemates for last and I came all over his floor.  The rest of the year he wondered why we would always laugh at him when he did sit-ups by his bed.  
  as i walked by the TV, Primus was playing "Los Bastardos" ... the part where Les chants  "here they come....here they come...." over and over apropriate, being that i was on my way to drop a couple turds...  
  lowbrow.com  The biggest and best fucking waste of time this side of the phone line.  Someone should create LBA...  
     I can still remember glimpses of being 2 years old, wearing diapers, drinking from a bottle, peeing through the rungs of my crib and pretending it was a urinal, purposefully shitting myself before going to sleep. I even remember shitting myself, sticking a finger in and tasting it.     That's not too lowbrow, I was only 2 after all. Weird thing is, I can remember telling people when I was much older that I remembered that, and that I even remember that it tasted spicy.     Why would I say that?  
         I recently went on a foreign vacation and kept the destination a secret from all of the office backstabbers.  These are the people who won't give you the time of day until they hear you are going to some place nice. Then, they ask you to buy something for them.    No f---in way this time you ingrates!!!! Ha Ha Ha.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The English school teaches people in their forties. It's located in one of the city's major avenues, and one of the classrooms is just two by four metres, two rows of chairs facing a transparent window that onlooks the avenue. Waiting for the bus, I see the fortysomething year old students dance what appeared to ve some variety of polka.  
  Me and my friend Jeremy went to a local theatre, we had been there before and I remembered how bad it smelled in there.  We bought our tickets and started walking in the room and the smell hit me...  Me: (nice and loud so everyone could hear me)      Damn, it really stinks in here!   Jeremy start walking out of the place because he is embarrassed.  Me: What? Did I do something wrong?  Jeremy: Yea..  We start walking back in...  Me: (just loud enough for everyone to hear)      What do you want me to do? Lie??   Jeremy: well.. no..  Me: (Loud and VERY sarcastic)      Gee Golly! It sure does smell nice in here!!  He got a little ticked off but I had my enjoyment for the day.  
  Sophomore year in college.  It's about 10 am and I've got to shower and run to class.  The bathroom door is closed, and I knock.  No answer.  I knock louder.  No answer.  So I open the door.  Lying in the tub is my suitemate Jon, naked, with an empty bottle in his hand.  I step out quietly, close the door and bang on it, shouting "JON??  JON ARE YOU IN THERE???"  A shuffle and then a loud crash.  Jon walks past me in a pink towel, grumbling.  The empty bottle is standing upright in the soap dish.  
  "OK STOP!" I shouted. I threw both boys off me.  All the heads (six) unearthed from all the crotches.  "I don't know about you fuckers, but I catagorically refuse to listen to 'I Think We're Alone Now' during an orgy!" Coyle got up and changed the music. ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ok ok ill tell you why you asshole said she  across the room his ears pricked up like those of a 9 year old dog when someone says get the stick boy hes certainly not a puppy anymore and he sure as hell isnt running after no damn stick but those fucking hardwiredbrainwaves he had to know what she said to him all he got was her whisperedshouts that dont travel well in a crowd of 3am bar patrons         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw another one of those STD commercials today (genital warts, I think). In little letters at the bottom I saw the company that makes the drug was 3M.   Isn't that the same company that makes Post-It Notes? Are they really equipped to produce drugs for STDs?   Do you really want them handling your sexual health? It seems they're having enough trouble simply making 2 pieces of paper stick together properly.  
  The four of us purchased five big bags of Julios Chips and three six packs of Zima in the drive thru Beverage Barn of our small town. Our last trip for the night, its 1155, closing is midnight, and we are pathetically searching for enough change to purchase the cheapest beef jerky available for our hungry nephews. The cashier and the girl who runs around picking up whatever you order pick this moment to begin a catfight.  Who is Bubba?                                                    
  I read an interesting story today. It goes like this:  A priest asked the dying Spanish statesman and general Ramon Maria Narvaez, "Does your Excellency forgive all your enemies?" "I do not have to forgive my enemies," answered Narvaez, "I have had them all shot."  
  I wanna fuck his skinny little 17 year old body.  I feel like a child molester though.  Sure I'm only 2 years older but I'm used to being the younger one.  The other day we parked his car on a secluded dirt road in the mountains and smoked a bowl.  We sat and chatted for awhile, he brought up the tongue ring.  I have had the conversation dozens of times with various guys.   him: so whats it like to kiss somebody with a tongue ring? me: I dunno, I haven't ever kissed anybody with one.  But I get good feedback. he keeps pressing for details, acting as though he'll never understand through just words, as if I need to show him.  I hadn't shaved my legs in days upon days, my hair was greasy, and my breath was probably rank.  So I just smiled and laughed at him.  That's okay, I'll pounce on him like fresh meat just as soon as I take a shower.    
  Just now I gave my dog a treat because she looked cute and I started to think. . .   Do you remember all of those times your mother gave you an ice cream treat on a hot Sunday afternoon just because she loved you?   Well, it never happened to me either.  
  When I was 11 or 12, our grumpy old dog Albert died.  This happened in the middle of winter.  The ground was frozen solid.  Not having a man in the house, I was handed the biggest spoon from the kitchen with which I was to dig Albert's grave.  Man, that fucking ground was hard!  That spring, a friend asked me, "What's that sticking up out of the ground?"  "Must be Albert."  
  on my lunch break i always pass this house with pro-life signs all over the yard. sometimes the guy who lives there runs around the yard enthusiastically waving giant pictures of dead babies and the like. today, as i was honking and waving my middle finger at him, as i always do, a car coming from the other direction at about fourty-five miles an hour launched a soda bottle across three lanes, over my car, and nailed him in the stomach. it was sweet.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was just sitting here wondering "What if we had defeated Canada in the War of 1812.  The United States would be a hocky powerhouse!"   
  I've stopped reading the actual moments, and now enjoy the site purely in its value as a medium for pointing and clicking.  
  im sitting here in my jeans and tee shirt, staring down at my newest edition of elle magazine  i seem to realize that everywoman in here has amazingly perky boobs,    i flip a few more pages and come across an article on breast pumps  so thats how they do it  their not perfect damnit, there goes my whole lifes philosophy...  
  Have you ever noticed that a urinal cake would fit perfectly on a hamburger bun?  Frightening.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I bought this stuffed penguin that talked a while back at Sea World. The three phrases were:  "I am a King Penguin. I have feathers but I cannot fly."  "Caw Caw, Caw Caw Caw, Caw"  and my favorite...  "I like to eat mold fish and with plankton"  Ahh, toys made in Japan are wonderful.   
  there was this kid i went to junior high with, named will biggers (no joke) who listened to lots of tupac and dr dre and snoop doggy dogg (as he was then known), but he also worked out a lot, so he was ripped, and he would beat the shit out of anybody who called him bill wiggers...so, of course i did it every chance i got.  can you blame me?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day Im sitting in my room, playing Atari or some shit (13 years old at the time...) when my dad walks in.  "Hey," he says, "you ever see a fuck flick?" Confused, I say "Uh, no, I dont think so." He says, "Come out here, you should see this."  Takes me out to the living room and proceeds to show me my first porno. I love my dad.  (Found out later that he was actually copying them and selling them in an illicit porn ring that he and his buddies were running...way to go dad!!!!)  
  my little brother killed a robin with a pellet gun.  said he didn't think he'd hit it from that distance.  said he felt bad about it. so he grilled it. and ate it. the best part was watching him nibble the meat off of those little drumsticks.  
  i can't sleep at night.  why can't you sleep, they ask.  i work too hard. sleep too little. i can't eat. i buy things i don't need with money i don't have.  so tell me, they say, do you have fun?  fun? what is fun?  they shake their heads and sigh. tsk, tsk, they say. don't you know? slackers sleep better.  oh.        
  A friend was complaining about being called to the emergency room late Thursday night to sedate a "combative" patient for a CT scan after he was found by the side of a major highway next to his motorcycle unconscious.   When she got there, she found nurses cutting the pants off a perfectly healthy, unscathed, young man for a femoral line with the patient screaming "I WAS TAKING A NAP, I WAS TAKING A NAP!!!"  Turns out he got tired, put the bike down, and woke up to find two EMTs strapping him to a back board.   Someone had called it in as an accident.   People can be very, very, stupid.    
  just read this moment.. *********** I'm working in Providence for the week. I go out to lunch with co-workers at the office. One of them tells a story about the first date with this woman... She tells him that she has a parrot and she thought the parrot was lonely. So she decides in order to alleviate its loneliness, she finds its parrot penis and she JERKS IT OFF. What could possess someone to do this?   Now whose lowbrow moment is this? Hers for doing it? His for being told the story? Or mine for hearing the story from him?      - lowbrowgirl@yahoo.com  ************** i think the lowbrow moment is yours for believing this bullshit story. with the exception of swans, all birds have internal sex organs. Yes, that means that the males don't have a penis.   
  my friend decided to stop using straws because "no one can look manly when using those sissy sticks"  which makes me wonder: if a man can't look manly suckin a straw, how come that doesn't apply for cigarrettes?  i mean, think of the marlboro man!  and if you stuck a cigarrette on a straw and smoked through that, would you just look mysterious and androgynous, or just stupid?  
  Tha spouse and I were driving somewhere when we pass this giant dead bloated beaver roadkill.  She was convinced that someone had lost a stuffed beaver out of the back of their truck...actually wanted to go back for it..."I'd LOVE a stuffed beaver".  Really happened.  
  I wondered aloud one drive home about the seemingly disproportionate number of pickup trucks in an area that wasn't remotely farmlike. Then I passed not one but four pickups, each hauling a massively obese woman in the back.  Guess that explains it.   
  One Friday morning i wake up and i am goign to fry me some eggs and sausage while nude. well good put the oil in the pan it is sizzzzling i put the egg and since i love mine all buttery i wiggle the pan to flip some oil on top of the egg , I burned my hand it was so painful i couldn't sleep for 2 days in a row. i put so much ice i had to stay by the fridge so i can be cool. after a while it feels better , now i have a huge scar on my hand .  now when i masturbate i always think i am so lucky that i didn't burn what is in my hand . Imagine  with all that ice i used on the hand i would have shrinked to less that an inch.   
                                                   i had done all i could to make sure he was included in all i did with darce.  she was only using him.. and i thought he was gorgeous.   4th of july, he took our picture, me and darce.  when he lowered the camera, he continued to look into my eyes.. in front of darce, stealing my soul with his vision.  we married 4 months later.   adopted kids, had our own.  he's in jail now. for sexual assault.  why didn't i blink?  
  having another dorm party, 15 people in one room, about 50/50 girls/boys.  Campus safety comes up to bust us, pour out our beer, get us in trouble, and basically be dicks.  This was our night though...the only alcohol safety could find was part of my 12-pack of amstel.  They were too incompetent to removes the caps of the bottles, so they just left the beer in the sink of the bathroom next door, and told us to leave.  We came back 20 minutes later and drank the beer they had just 'confiscated.'  The best part though, is that I managed to swipe a beer funnel from them that they had taken from a previous party they had broken up.    Take that.  
   The Grudge Thing  So, she suddenly blew me off on a business deal. The full sudden-silent-blowoff treatment. Shame, really, because she is beautiful and really fun company. Now she's realizing that she maybe made a mistake. She and I will have to share the BrewPub for the forseeable future. She comes over hesitantly: "Eh -- I'm sorry that I didn't get back to you..." Me: "Anytime you want to eat shit and die, give me a call and I'll come watch, OK?" I really have to work on this grudge thing of mine...  
  So I drive up to Burger King's drive thru the other day and place my order for a BK Broiler with fries. The guy on the other end is like, 'Sir, we don't sell BK Broilers'. 'Thats impossible!', I say, 'I just bought one here like three weeks ago. So have you run out or did you just decide to stop selling them?' Out of nowhere this lady pops in, 'Sir, we sell the Chicken Whopper now'. 'What the hell is a Chicken Whopper?'. 'Well, it's like the BK Broiler, but it tastes better'. 'You're probably just telling me this so I'll buy it, but you know what, I'm going to give in and buy one'. So I get home and open it up. Who would have guessed? Same exact sandwich. Damn you Burger King.  
  I don't know how I do it. If I did, maybe I would be able to stop it.  Whenever I really have to take a dump and a piss at the same time, I sit down on the toilet and just let things flow as they will. Inevitably, warm piss gets on my fingers, several inches above the urethra, without having splashed off the water in the toilet.  I can piss on my own fingers when my cock's pointed away from them.  Is it just me, or is there something unnatural about this?  
  he fixed the futon that we broke during sex by tying two pieces back together with an old electrical cord.  "what, were you out of duct tape?" I asked.  
  I remember back in the seventh grade we had this science teacher named Mr. Schafer.  He resembled a post-modern hippie complete with the smell of pot on all his fashionable seventies attire.  Of the few things I remember from that class, a few remain a bit disturbing.  I can recall the day he told us that if we ever wanted to commit suicide, we should always slit our wrist vertically...so as to hit more veins and lose blood more efficiently.  I also remember the stories of him and his college buddies stealing chickens and other assorted livestock from farms only to perform cruel experiments or to simply slice off their different limbs.  Man, that guy was fucked up.  
   Old Age Dating #1   Mildred: "Would you like to go the movie with me?"  Maxwell: "I'm already going with Agnes."  Mildred: "I'll hold your thingie if you go with me."  Maxwell: "Agnes says she'll hold my thingie"  Mildred: "What's Agnes got that I don't?"  Maxwell: "Parkinsons."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walked into the living room to find mom tweezing her bikini line. I know now that I'm not too old for emotional scars. I am so creeped out.  
   The 'Brow Keeps Leaking Back Into My Life  My wife and I hit up eBay, looking for a staircase (yes, really -- the getting of the staircase is a separate moment). She sits beside me while I bring up the search page. I start to type "staircase", but as soon as I type the "s", Internet Explorer helpfully fills in my most recent eBay search starting with "s". "soiled panties". Oops. She doesn't say anything, so I don't bother to explain that I wasn't actually looking for them, I was just following instructions on someone's LowBrow moment...  
  So I'm trying to quit smoking. I heard about a thing where, every time you want a smoke, you put a quarter in a jar. This isn't helping me not want a ciggarette, but in the last week I've saved up an assload of quarters.  
  valentine's day after the bar we went back to a friend's house sam seduced me and fucked me for hours in the friend's bed  to get to the bathroom you had to go through the bedroom so everyone saw us fucking we didn't care  afterwards, my friends had all left i called a cab because i was cold and wanted a shower he shared a cab with me since he lived only a few blocks away i had the cabbie dump the guy 2 blocks from his house said i'd call him he didn't see why i had to leave him all i wanted was a cheap quick fuck, love em and leave em lowbrow enough for ya?  
  I shit some real oldgrowth.  Consequently, I find it much more relaxing to shit in pit toilets, such as those found in campgrounds.....none of that "is it going to clog or not" suspense after flushing.  
  yea, so i had this party right, and these two couples came.  both the girls and the guys were good friends of mine.  cutting to the chase... they were in these two rooms of mine for about an hour or so.  only later did i put together that both of my guy friends got head.  so i brush my teeth and get ready for bed, but before going to bed, i sign on.  one of the girls that gave head is on and says "thanks for letting me use your toothrbush"... i threw up  
  .. so our parents are away and the grands are in charge. We decide to shoot up the house with BB guns using raisins as ammunition.  The house is full of dried fragments of blasted raisins. My dad exclaims in disgust as he thinks gramps has spent two weeks picking his nose....  
  how DO they cram all that graham into Golden Grahams?  
  Growing up in a small redneck town my parents put me in some shithole elementry school surrounded by one big ass ranch with horses and cows and everything that came with a redneck school. Well, One day way back in that horrid place, me and a few of my friends were playing soccer and coulden't help noticing two cows being bred right there, well one of my friends being younger was confused and told us they were killing each other. Me being new to the area, pondered a bit and said: They're fucking. (silence and staring followed) the younger one that mistaked them for killing each other, stared and replied: wow.  10 years later, He's now a Beastialist.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You would like that so if you want it you'd better act now. It's only here for a limited time. But if you wait a year it'll be here for a limited time again. And so the process will repeat until the people finally catch on and decide that it really isn't a good thing.  
  Watching one of those shows where people send in home videos, I wondered why the guy being bitten by a goose didn't just pick it up by that long neck and slam it several times into the pavement. Trust me, it works.  
  We lived in this  "L" shaped house when I was a kid, and the garage was the bottom of the "L". So there I was, chasing my younger brother around, and I'm gonna kick his ass for some imagined slight (cause that's what brothers do, ya know?!). He ran out the frone door, and around in front of the garage, with me in full speed hot pursuit. Turns out the garage door was halfway open, and caught me right at the bridge of the nose. I was wearing wire framed glasses, and I bounced back about 6 feet and lay there, cussing and bleeding. The glasses had wedged between the cartalige and the bone at the base of my nose (of course, my nose was shattered). So my dad comes home and takes me into the emergency room, where a doctor get out what is basically a set of pliers and pry thesee damn glasses out of my face. Then he notices the book sticking out of my dads jacket pocket, and spends the next 20 minutes or so, talking books with my dad. All I can think is "Pay attention, asshole. You're not even watching what the fuck your doing."  To this day, my nose is fucked up...  
  The company where I work is on the edge of disaster.  Our brilliant CEO hasn't paid our internet bill in 5 months.  We are an internet-based company.  He owes them $50,000.  They are going to cut us off on the 21st of Feb 2003.  We are so very fucked.  The lowbrow thing is that I am looking forward to my "severance package" of 2 21" monitors.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had matching T-shirts made up for myself and my now 3 year old daughter  "I do not play well with others"  Hers because she is spoiled by me when I have her (she is an only child when I have her and a middle sibling when shes with her mom)  Mine because I fucking hate everybody.  
  Sophomore in high school. Bart asked me if I wanted to go hunting. Told me to get my dad's .22 semi. Sounded fun so I did and we went.   He couldn't shoot this squirrel that was bounding around in the tops of some trees. Then I hit it. When it came down he told me (hey, whatthehell did I know?) that once it was hit, I needed to grab its body cavity and, with the instep in its head and neck, twist the fucking body cavity off. (He really believed this, btw.)  I tried. Repeatedly. I couldn't do it. He was chicken to try. Squirrel blood was all over my hands and coat, with a brite healthy serving pasted all across my jeans, from the knees down.   I said, 'Stand back.' I emptied about 15 rounds into that squirrel. Never hunted since. It was awful, but not as much as what I then did with it.  Drove back from Langleyville into Pawnee. For some unknown reason only available during adolescence, I put the carcass on the doorstep of our Pizza Hut.   
  Strange minutes in the capital of the world.  The man behind me on line at McDonald's was too "high" to understand what unsweetened meant, his brain as fogged as the upper floors of the McGraw-Hill building this gloomy afternoon.  I curiously watched the cashier place two unordered apple pies in my bag.  "Sorry for the delay"  Yes, the delay.       
  He text messaged me, told me about his new pipe.  I thought to myself 'hmmm I smoke a bowl out of it tonight, oooh and then get laid.' It had happened in the past.  I carried on a bit of text conversation while I hurried and shaved my legs.  Finally I get done and say, "hey, we should hang out."  he says he has to work the next day early and needs to go to sleep.  Stupid fucker I shaved my legs for him and I didn't even get any!!      
   The Difference Between Being A Moocher and Just Being Broke  I was broke for a few months. My buddy Patrick understands that, and helped me out all he could.  His friends, however... let's just say there was a  chilly  quietness whenever I went over to drink his beer, smoke his butts...  I knock on the door. Clinton and Josh open it, look pained.  Josh: "Patrick'll be back soon -- we're just going out for a beer run."  They don't hold the door open for me, just stand there.  Me: "Good! I picked a good time to come over, as usual, heh heh."  Chilly silence. I reach behind me and reveal two cases of Guinness.  I walk in, put the beer in the 'fridge, pushing back the Old Milwaukees and PBRs. They're sitting in the  living room, giving each other "What-the-fuck-is-this" looks.  Me, reaching into my wallet: "Let's see -- here's $2.10 for you, Clinton, and $5.25 for Josh, and..." leaf, leaf, leaf "... well, I owe Patrick $150, but I don't have a $10. I'll just give him $160 -- I know he's good for it."  I drop it on the table.   Clinton: "$2.10? What's that?"  Me: "You gave me $2 for gas about a month ago."  Clinton: "What's the 25c for?:  Me: "Interest."  Clinton, darkly: "I don't want interest."  Me: "I don't care. Now, was that all? Oh, I almost forgot..."  I dig into my pocket and dump a bag of fat purple hydro on the table.  Me: "That's everything. Now, kindly go and fuck yourselves."  I walk out to contemplative silence. More fun than I've had in a month.  
  I have an 1.5  deep cut in the top of my foot. My foot is only 1.75  think there. To keep the wound clean, I must keep it dry. Consequentially, my foot has not been washed in over a month. I don t know what s worse, an infected deep-tissue wound or 45-day old toe-jam.   The matter between my toes smells like cheese. Really good cheese.  
  In high school my friend Jimmy had his lunch stolen every day for a week.  He figured it was Tyler and it was.   So Jim makes this beautiful chicken breast and cat shit on whole wheat for him to steal.  Which he does.  Only he figures it out in the lunchroom and took ner a bite.   Instead he opened it up and casually walked over and stuck it to Jimmy's skull.  
  not my moment, but lowbrow enough to justify posting:  it was halloween weekend and we'd been drinking and smoking for several days. come sunday morning, my friend wakes up and takes in the mess that is our home. in particular he noted a day-old order of taco john's nachos, destined for the trash. unfortunately, his laziness took the day, and he just sat down and ate the nachos.  his laziness was so great that he decided to eat what he understood to be garbage.  :thumbsup:  
  She looked into the bowl of peanuts on the bar and exclaimed, "that's more mono-nuts than I've seen in my whole life!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  i was washing up in a small diner's bathroom when a 500 lb man entered with what appeared to be his son.  the son walked him to the stall and helped him on to the toilet.  suddenly a large disturbing BLEHT sounded  as a gianormous amount of feces spilled into the toilet, his son in full view.  the man rejoiced, "thank god i was over the toilet."  i ran. i ran so far away.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i took my friend's credit card and went to harvard square to buy some new shoes.  i find some dope size 12 diesel's, grab a few shirts and go to check out.  i hand him the credit card.  he swipes it, then asks to see id cuz the card isnt signed.  i tell him i can sign the card if he wants. he asks if i have a different card with the same name on it.  i tell him its not really my card.  i tell him i can show him a card with a different name on it. he pauses.  he gives me the receipt to sign. i sign it.      of course the security goes off as we are walking out.   
  I found the ex's new hobby, posting his "art" on this artsy-fartsy website, passing off his attempts to meet women as photography. In the journal part, he explains that all this time past, his problems were caused by his drug use, which in turn was caused by his miserable adolescence, whine whine ad nauseum. So I posted a really harsh comment about the stupidity and childishness of blaming one's personality defects on some random chemical interaction, and not properly taking personal responsibility for being an asshole. I guess in retrospect I maybe shouldn't have been so harsh, but hey, I was really drunk when I wrote it.  
  Contemplating buying products from www.colonblow.com just so you can see what you bowels have to offer.....  Definitely browish.  
  Best thing I've seen today: a very girly-style shoving and slapping fight between two old men waving signs for opposing political candidates. It tied up traffic for 15 minutes while everyone stopped to watch, but it more than made up for that in amusement value. Both candidates, btw, lost to a third choice.   
  sometimes when you do a girl anally, you can feel her poop against your manhood.  that sucks.  
  I'm not a doctor, but I play one when you're passed out.  
  The only difference between television and a lava lamp is that a television has slightly better audio.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The morning after the young widow first sleeps over with me, she can't find her panties.  We search for a while. No panties.  Me: "No big deal, I'll find them later."  But she gets really agitated, to the point where I shamefully open my sock drawer and hand them to her.  She, slyly: "Hmmm, what OTHER vices do you have?"  Me, kiddingly: "Oh, none -- 'cept for the noose in the basement..."  Turns out her old man accidently knocked his stool over whiles whacking off with his head in the noose in THEIR basement...      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, and no-one can talk to a corpse, of course. That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!       
  I was back in Moscow over the holidays to visit friends and family. I went to Club13, where I used to hang out a few years earlier, and I saw a chick I had dated two or three times.  At the time I went out with her she was a Econ. major with plans of a career in international finance.  She was beautiful then and still looked fantastic.  We made eye contact and smiled at one another.  She walked up to me asked me in broken, mechanical English if I wanted to have sex with her for $70.  I guess that you could call that international finance...    
  Listening to one of your girlfriends bitch for 45 minutes about how she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her, for the sole purpose of figuring out if she knows you're the one he's cheating with... now thats lowbrow  
  you know the world has gone to shit when you see one of those piece of shit light blue chrystler minivans lowered, dark tinted windows, and "pimped out"  especialy when you just saw it in anchorage alaska      
  First tattoo - Mom FREAKED First piercing - Mom FREAKED even MORE!!!! Second piercing - Mom FREAKED again!!  about 8 years pass... I'm 27 years old... Mom is 47 years old...  She calls me up one day and asks "did it hurt when you got your nose pierced?"    I can't bring myself to answer the question before I ask her "why on earth do you want to know??"    She says again "Well, did it hurt??"    I say "well, it hurt a little bit, not too bad.. but WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW???"  I shouldn't have asked....  She tells me "well, this new guy I'm dating is the dominant one in the relationship and he says that getting my nose pierced is a sign of sexual possession."  Within a week, Mom has her nose pierced and my psyche has been damaged forever.   
  I wonder how our lives would have been different if instead of dodgeball in grade school, they'd taught us swordfighting?  
   Checkout Girl #00 (Amelia, again - sigh...)  Me: "How are you today?  Amelia:  Bored silly. Did you find everything you wanted?   Hell, no. You guys don t seem to stock Horlicks.  (British powdered bedtime drink).  No ... not much call for that stuff up here.  You ll have to go into town for that.  What s a horlick, anyway?  Hook, line, and sinker!  Payback time!  Oh ... I guess that depends on how much you pay her.   Huh?  What ... OH!  Oh, that s terrible!   I m sorry.  I didn t mean to...   Oh, don t be silly.   She turns to the next aisle:   Hey, Cin!  Do we have horlicks?  Cin:  What s a horlick?   Grinning giddily, she whispers:   fish in a barrel,   and offers me her hand, palm upwards.  I stroke my palm across hers, girlflesh.  She strokes mine, girlflesh, finishes with a stylish flick, and turns to Cin:  Depends how much you pay her!   They dissolve into a giggle-fit.  I leave them to it and drive home awkwardly  it s not easy to drive a stick-shift with one hand.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Soooooooooooo is this the way it works? If you're not married, there must be something wrong with you. And you can't marry and/or have a family until you promise not to sleep with ANYBODY else, FOREVER, no matter how badly you want to, EXCEPT the person you're married to, whom you MUST have sex with whether you want to or not?  If you can't uphold this impossible rule, you get labeled and dumpted, and word will get around and nobody will want anything to do with you? And nobody's put it together why women get fat and frigid and men get limp, drunk and miserable?          
  If basketball was played with wadded up semen receptacle underpants thrown into a laundry hamper I would be on the goddamn olympic team.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend says to me, "Dude, I've got 12 cavities!"  I say, "Dude, don't you ever brush your frickin teeth?"  He says, and I swear this is true,  "No, but I chew Trident..."  
  The first time I dropped acid was at a party after work. Now this was a busy Mexican place with lots of booze. I don't remember how much I drank but when the blotter kicked in I remember being in the median of the highway, propositioning a married waitress, and pissing in my manager's van on the way home. My mom had given me a 2am curfew, I literally crawled through the door at 1:57am.  The next morning was orientation day for highschool. My friends just kinda dragged me around because I was still too fucked up to function. My picture for my ID was choice.......definitely look stoned.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Finally, finally losing my virginity!  On my mother's bed, no less, while she's away!  The front door slams. My girl (Hi, Sheila Hainey!) inadvertently screams and jumps out of bed.  My brother-in-law opens the bedroom door, sees me lying naked with a rapidly shrinking willie, mumbles "sorry," closes the door, then says, chuckling: "You won't know why, but this is actually very funny."  He leaves.  I say: "Like hell I don't know -- I came home unexpectedly a couple years ago and distinctly heard my sister scream and jump out of bed..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 14 and weeks away from being sent to a country club-like inpatient place for my delinquent behavior. My girlfriend at the time was 16, had recently moved to the US from Germany, and had a convertable and an indoor pool. I had it made. Not wanting to inconvenience myself with a kid and having an aversion to buying condoms at age 14, my girlfriend and i engaged in copious amounts of buttsex. On one particular evening while enjoying said buttsex her mother came into the room, well lit with splendid daylight, to tell us she was going to the mall. My dick in her lovely daughter's ass framed center in her view.  Her mother and father had us down for a lovely talk regarding sex, i called for my ride home, and all was well...though i do not think we met socially after that.  The kicker is; a few months later my mom, oblivious to the incident, overheard two other parents discussing it at a school function. I was roudly chastised...thankfully (i think) the sex had turned vaginal while making its way down the grapevine...  I still can't figure out how her mother finished telling us she was going to the mall...  
   I pitched the Portland Creative Conference to my boss. He didn't get it.  Then, I pitched the conference  organizer for a scholarship -- I did get it.   Then I told my boss. He still didn't get it. On the day the conference started, my boss terminated me! So, I went to the Portland Creative Conference, broke, needing to apply for foodstamps , and won a $20-bill off the web design Guru David Seigel when I correctly named the evil character in Ghostbusters: Sandor (happens to be my name.) I think Seigel intended the offer of $20 to be a  figure of speech -- but I marched up to collect it 'cause I didn't even have enough money to get my car out of the parking garage! And I needed to buy lunch because I was about to faint from hunger.  It was a low-brow moment. (But I am grateful that Seigel actually forked out the money AND told us all about this site.) Thanks David -- You are a Mensch and ya did a real kindness -- more than you realized! Bless you.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         summer of 2001  i used to babysit for this family friend of ours.  she had two kids, one was about 5 or 6 and was the devil, the other was an angel but was still in diapers.  i would babysit from about 6 til 2 or 3 in the morning - it was the summmer so it wasn't that bad but still. the little buggers took it out of me. that and the fact that i would babysit for about 5-8 hours depending, for two kids and only get $15 dollars. i didn't care that much though - i knew that she couldn't really afford much.  so anyway, she's driving me home, it's really fuckin early in the morning, and along one of the dirt country roads we're on - there happens to be a naked man in the ditch. beer in one hand, just shakin' it for us to see. we were so shocked - we just cracked up the rest of the way home.  he was ugly as fuck too.   ~ r    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The spork is the greatest invention of all time.  Think about it.  Noone has to ever switch eating utensils.  Bitchin'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the other day one of those phone salespeople called my house. the sad part is that i talked to him for about an hour because i had nothing better to do...        
  Piece of advice: Always carry around 1 extra piece of gum with u incase a stripper offers u a free lapdance in exchange for said gum. Don't say it wont happen, because it did. I was unprepared.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Having lunch with my best friend at a local deli.   A little boy, about five or six, who had been peeking over the side of the booth and giggling everytime we waved at him comes up to our table right before he leaves.  "I drew a pishure of you. Here."  He drew me with horns.  Kid are more observant than most people give them credit for.  I still have the picture.  Cute kid.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Binge drinking is considered something like five or more drinks in a row.  What would those surveys make of the fact that I can't remember the last time I had LESS than five? And we're talking every day, here.  
  An e-mail from cheerleader@yercrotch (Hi, sweetie!):  I think LaDeeFrickingDa and and I should start a band. We could call it the Vengengeful Vaginas.  I don't quite agree with her stuttering assesment of Our LaDee Of The Lube (Hi, sweetie!) - to me, LaDee doesn't seem like the Vengeful Vagina type - she seems more like the Dickful Vagina type. But anyway, I'm a real cheerleader fan, so I asked her permission before quoting her e-mails. Here's her response (with permission, I guess):  Of course you can have my quotes. :) It's taken as a compliment. And see, more kudos to your writing skills, I took the tale to be be true*. (and doesn't that just alliterate right into song?)  "...oooh, I took the tale to be true... and he took my tail through and through... whatever is a girl to do-oo-oo?... when the tale took the tail that was true to you-oo-oo...."  Wonder if Shania Twain or somebody would cover it? Happy upcoming weekend, kiddo.   ------------- *The moment I wrote about LaDee and cheerleader messing up my chances of a job because I told the interviewer to look at LowBrow for more samples of my writing. Yes. That one. I made it up.   
  For the first time since the divorce (more than 12 years ago), I actually dreamed of the ex husband.  The sex in the dream was just as bad as the sex was when we were married.  
  Once got really drunk and shat while skinny dipping in a pool.  It flowed out oh so smoothly (like butter, baby).  Turd was found by swimming kids the next day.    Lifeguards wondered how one of those little brats could leave such a big log.  
  I was at a swim party yesterday and a lowbrow conversation goes as follows:  Parker: Carah, can I throw this chair in the pool?  Carah: Why do you want it?  Parker: So I can sit on it!  Carah: Well, it'll tear up the lining of the pool.  ==a small pause of thought==  Parker: So is that a yes?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read this comic called "Transmetropolitan" It's all dystopia and what not, good read for the geek in everyone.  Anyhow, is it wrong of me to want a dystopia just so I can be the anti-hero? I seriously sit and ponder on that for hours... What the hell is wrong with dystopia anyway? People are still stupid, no matter how you look at it. More of a lowbrow comment, in the dystopia even the anti-hero gets some.... Perhaps thats more like me   
  You know, every warning that has ever been place on a product:  The one on the windshield blocker (the thing you put up so your car won't get hot) that says "Don't drive with this up!"  To a warning on a set of kitchen Knives "These are not toys"  ...Those were put there for a reason.  Not to prevent accidents, but to prevent them from happening again.  
  I have thrown away more books than the average citizen of a third-world country will ever own.  
  So waking up hungover yesterday morning after going to bed when he was already light out next to someone I'd only slept with so I could go to sleep without his hand down my pants was not a refreshing feeling. Neither was driving two hours back to school with nothing but that to think about. However, I came up with what I think is a brilliant justification for my sluttiness. He was so happy when we woke up that he'd had such a good night and woke up with me, it was almost heartwarming.  It occurred to me that I had done a really good deed.  I'm like a superhero or something.  Bringing sex to needy losers. How's that for the giving spirit of the holidays?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was about 4 yrs. old, I was playing 'Ultraman' (my favorite all-time tv show and piece of Japanese pop culture).  I ran into my parents bedroom and jumped "flew" toward the bed...only I started my jump a little too soon and smacked the metal bedframe RIGHT where above my teeth (lucky that   I didn't lose any teeth)  It left a little flap of scar tissue that I carry to this day.  I have only leapt into anything with that kind of gusto twice since then.  The second time was when I was 8 and in a fit of frustrated rage charged my Karate teacher...you can guess the result...he was a VERY traditional sensei.  The only other time was when I proposed marriage.  Batting 1000.  I have learned my lesson. I don't 'leap' anymore.   
  the little bitch had ratted me out.  she had found the hotel room receipt and asked me in front of my whole family if i wanted to throw it away or not, "'cause it looks important".  my mother tried not to react, knowing that all hell would break lose if my grandma saw what she was holding in her fair little hand.  i shot my 11 year old sister a death glare that could have sawed her head off.  she smiled and asked (with more of a lisp than usual)"what, sissy?".   my mother and i tried to silence her by both giving her looks at the same time.  my grandma's ears perked up when the angel said "why are you both looking at me like that?  what did i do?" and grinned from behind granny-dearests back. the receipt was snatched away by that liver-spotted claw and boy howdy, did all hell break lose for that one.  damn, i love that kid.  
  just a note to everyone out there, if ever some tells you to stand back whilst they are holding an apple and a baseball bat, do it.    It can be one right painful experience.  
  A friend of mine threw this insane, out of control party last year. There was a guy there who became, aptly named, the naked guy. You can imagine why he was called that. Well the naked guy came up to me and some of my friends, piss drunk, with his pants in his hand, and said to me, " I can suck my own dick, do you wanna see"? Of course I did!  He proceeded to stretch out his small unit into a long, skinny, taffy like substance.  His dick was like silly putty. I didn't think anyone could really suck their own dick. I was wrong.   While he was pleasuring himself, my friend stole his pants and threw them in a tree. The rest of the night was spent watching naked guy trying to fight random people who had all stolen his pants.  It was the best party ever!    
  Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."   They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.    
  More tales from the parking lot with my soccer-mom sister.... As we're parking, we see a very new Lexus pulling in to the handicapped space. A nicely-dressed man gets out and saunters into the mall, no apparent disability. The car's got no handicap sticker anywhere.  So my sister pulls out her little Swiss Army knife and stabs his tires a few times.  "There" she says. "Now he can limp for real." I love my sister.  
  So my boyfried was at college one day, talking to his friends about our upcoming road trip to Magic Mountain.    They somehow got on the subject of rollercoasters, and he mentioned that I was as scared of them as he was.    And before thinking he says, and I quote, "But when she does down, it's all okay."    
  SO I am sitting here on the couch and I am about to fall to sleep when one of my Dogs comes in the room and begins scooting her butt across the floor. Then she stands up and begins to sniff the trail that she left. She sniffs it the whole distance and then just past the begining, there is a small bit of kibble that I am sure she had left there earlier this morning, which she proceeds to eat!  Who says there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?  
  I once sat four two and a half hours on a street corner, mentally willing traffic lights to change, while I was waiting for my friend to return from a drug deal.  He was busted by the cops.  I estimate the light changed about 20% of the time I willed it to.  
  Fighting a holy war is like arguing over who has the better imaginary friend.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'd like a life that imitated life, not sterile, poorly-executed art.  
  My Excuse: I was young. First real job...it was in customer service...  Me: "Can I have your address?"  Him: "Yes, it's 7600 8th Street, Washington D.C."  Me: "Do they have zip codes in Washington D.C.?"  Him: "No, they just throw all of our mail in a big pile in the middle of the street and we dig through it."  I laugh every time I think of that conversation.  
  Who wants a good girl?  They're no fun!  I want a girl that drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and fucks like a rabbit.  
      The song had come to a soft, quiet ending. The 18 year old girl on stage said "My it's quiet in here"   Bushy-bearded old man lets loose with a drunken Tarzan call. She fills in after him by slapping her clit while bouncing her implants.    A lithe, gently curved sylph of an East European redhead suddenly appears by my side. Her long lean body, from 7 inch spikes to almost imperceptible (but sweet nonetheless) breasts, waving and flowing. She smiles and pulls her tissue thin pink dress over my head.    Her silken belly weaving in my face with it's tiny muscles, her almost hairless sex not far below. My nostrils flare slightly as I breathe deep of her scent. Sweet perfume and even sweeter sweat. Empirical proof of benevolent higher powers.   "Good" girls are way fucking overrated.       
  One time we went to K-Mart and made Bryan try on skimpy lengerie while we videotaped him, laughing hysterically.  It's amazing how much fun peer pressure can be.  
  I was insanely hyper in class. I drank 4 red bulls wile at the sushi stand trying to chat up the lovely Japanese girl who worked the register. chat up? what im English now? any way I had toooo much coffee before hand. SO at the end class I was waiting for the elevator (im on the 8th floor) me and a little Goth girl are talking and waiting with a group of people. after about 2 mins we both decided to take the steps. She looked and me and said "are you sure rya wana do this?"(im a fat bastard) and to that i yelled "bitch race ya" and started jumping down the flights of steps (which were only 5 steps per flight 3 flights per floor) it was great i passed her as i jumped down she passed me as i landed. we scared the holly hell out of the people coming up. first they saw a fat guy jumping and hauling ass, next they saw someone a quarter of his size (4' 9") booking down the steps, either they thought the building was on fire or the apocalypse was happening up stairs, sadly she won by 2 steps. ill have to ask her for her name next time I see her and a rematch.    
  When I was a young girl I used to wrestle with my step - uncle and I thought he was the most funniest guy I ever played with. Turned out he was actually schizophrenic.  
  My exgf and I were rutting like weasels in the spoons position.  When we're done and cuddling, she says "that was different"  Turns out that I'd been doing her in the butt as well.  I'd popped out and put it back in a couple of times.  Guess a couple of those times I used the alternate route.  She didn't really like the fact that I couldn't tell the difference.  Turns out I couldn't tell the difference cuz a friend of mine had been stretching out that hole when I wasn't stretching out the first one.  My buddy and I are still friends.  I can't blame him; it's so hard to find an attractive girl who'll ask you to fuck her in the ass.  
  I still have no idea how someone can mix up the television show Xena with greek mythology.  Honestly.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate it when my nose is all runny, cause I just just keep sniffing all day long, trying to keep stuff from pouring out. The worst is when you go to the bathroom, sniff your nose, and take a big whiff of the present someones left in there just before you.  Sweeter than wine  
  Tonight I ate dinner at a restaurant with my family and my sister's guest. At the restaurant, I talked to a friend who worked there as a waitress.  I should have told her to poison the tacos.        
   My cousin and I decided to do the old "take a little bit of everything from every bottle so dad doesn't notice anything is missing"cocktail from hell ride. We decided that chasing it with a gin and rhine wine over ice was a good idea. We wandered around in the house for a while in a stupor thinking it was just the coolest thing in the world. Then I noticed a small red spot at regular intervals all over the wooden floor in the kitchen. What the hell is that? I realized then that it was coming from my sock-ed foot. I picked up my foot to inspect it and fell backwards, breaking my tailbone. Insert "the Bags tune: "wham I landed on my tailbone..." On the floor, I picked a thumbtack outta my heal. I realized I would never be a brain surgeon.        
  So i finish up my nap today in Western Civ, and I wake to find that i have an ENORMOUS belch building up.  the kind that makes you feel like you're literally full of air.  i have been known to let out some amazing, window-rattling belches, and it really pains me to let one go to waste.  but i suppressed it, because the sorostitutes sitting all around me would have puked all over their desks had i let this one out -- it was that awesome.  once-in-a-semester belch, this was gonna be. sometimes i think i'm too considerate?  
  Toothpaste is  either stripey  or not. Never polka  dot.  
  Biker Zen  On a roadtrip to Las Vegas, my friend and I stopped at a scenic overlook to use the roadside restroom.  While we were there marvelling at the barren hell that is Utah, a group of Harley riders in full leather and ZZ Top beards rumbled into the parking lot.  One of the riders dismounted his bike, bitching loudly, "Man, all I wanted is to be able to use a tree, there ain't no trees here!"  To which another, much  more serene, biker replied "Ya know, John, I was just thinking about you, and you just gotta learn to take the good with the bad..."  
  Ever wanted to lick your own asshole but didn't have the agility?  Now you can...kinda  It's a fact...After you live with a significant other for more than 6 months, the two of you will have identical 'anal flora'.  So, for those of you who made the logical leap, licking his/her ass, will be identically disgusting to licking your own.  but you don't have to take MY word for it...    
  He couldn't keep it hard.  That's never happened before.    And...I guess that's all I need to say.  
  After checking on him every hour for four hours, I was conviced that the bum on the corner was dead.  I mean, he hadn't moved in four hours.  So I called it in. For a dead man that bum could sure hustle at the sound of sirens.  
  When I was 5 years old, I watched a TV special on teen idols. I asked my aunt, "How does someone become a teen idol? I want to be one." She didn't really know how to explain it. But now, she never lets me forget it. I swear, if I turned into Brittany Spears, I would go insane. No one gets more crap than she does. I don't even know anymore.          
  Mid summer on an averge working day in a closed door warehouse very hot , my boss comes down , he's a weed of a man, very business person and we were talking shit and I meantion, fuck it's real hot in here aye! , and there's this wee girl upstairs, she just had her office reduced to half it's size and it's stinking hot in there, so he knows this, we all do .. he goes , " ya know , she's got the hottest lil box here" - I went blank with fear of bursting out loud laughing - but I could't , I keept my calm .. he went red , we went separate ways.  
   I can't fucking throw a rock in that town without hitting a tentysomething with either stars or spiderwebs tattooed onto their elbows, which, as far as I'm concerned, is all the more reason to do so.  
   Contrary to popular belief, antiques are made with concious effort, rather than simply through the passage of time. Any lesiurely drive through rural Maine, NH, VA, KY, TN etc. will reveal huge numbers of cottage antiques factories. You can spot the zeal with which they approach their work by the vast quantities of all manner of worthless household belongings rapidly weathering under the elements waiting for ignorant city folk to take strike his fancy on a broken chair or a rusted sign. And they call us "stupid rednecks"! Hah!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he says to me "yeah but see, the difference is when YOU play the guitar and sing a song, you don't sound like a dying hooker getting a red hot poker in the asshole... mike does." mike was right behind him  
  Those ceramic bottle-tops off of certain european re-sealable beer bottles (e.g. Grolsh, Altenmunster) make really good roach clips. You need to cut through the wire going through the middle of the top, & somehow straighten it out in order to get the top off - but once you do, you'll find that the hole is the perfect size for a joint, & it's even got a wee handle on it. My friends nicknamed it "the intensifier".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day I will make a Photoshop filter that you can feed in a picture of someone and out will come that person with a mullet. I will call it Louie's Mullet Machine.  
  Its too damn hot out for clothes, so im reading low brow with only boxers on  suddenly I need to sneeze, and, not being one to stife bodily functions, let fly.  Yet this was no ordinary sneese, it was a sneeze of unsurpassed might and magnitude. Because of the funny angle at which I sneezed, my naked stomach was covered with mucus.  I continued reading, my only thought "my, that is suprisingly refreshingly cold"  
  my family was sleeping but my younger sister was out for the night. my room is next to my parents', so i decided it'd be better to go smoke a couple bowls downstairs in my sister's room. so i grabbed my pipe and that's what i did. i hope i didn't leave too many little bits of bud on her sheets.  
  as a child i used to forget to flush the toilet after taking a dump. Normally I would wait to flush until after my shower, so i wouldn't get burned or frozen by the water while i washed myself. my parents would find my nuggets hours later festering and wreaking of old shit and fist morning urine. They were not to happy about this, so they devised a punishment/cure. If they found a turd of mine in the toilet i would have to sit and stare at it for 10 minutes before waving bye-bye to it as it swirled its way to freedom.    
  The advent and subsequent saturation of Anti-Lock Braking Systems (ABS) on most passenger cars in this country really fucked up the audio portion of a car accident I saw today.   Instead of that loud skidding sound followed by the inevitable crunching of metal, plastic, and glass, you merely just get the moment of impact sounds.  It kinda loses something.    
  rooster and scabby stood toe to toe it was a game you hit me with all your might in the face and then i hit you i walked over just in time to remove roosters glassess before scabby winding up from his ankle through his mightiest blow onto the jaw of the now drunken rooster with an awful pop rooster shook his head looked at me and said its my turn now right i get to hit him now right if that were allowed to happen i knew roosters punch would shatter scabbys head like a hammer through a pumpkin rooster hasnt forgiven me yet ah didnt we get over punchforpunch in  like second grade appraently not        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          So.. my ingrowing toenail decided to make a reappearance. fuck you toe!  Being too lazy to actually go to a doctor, I decide to perform some inpromptu 'surgery', using some old blunt scissors and a screwdriver. I manage to pick out most of the nail and the pus-y bits, but I think I was a bit over-zealous, as my big toe now looks a little 'deflated' on one side.  the true lowbrow moment? I ate everything I picked out.  
    i got a really uneven tan so i thought hey i'll try one of those sunless tanners to cover it up. of course it streaks and leaves me looking like a pumpkin.       
  After reading "The Velveta Cheese rabbit" story, I have come to a sound conclusion.  No one shold be online after one in the morning.    
  One time I was watching TV in my room after having come home from an outing with friends. My sister came in and started telling me about how my brother had come in and messed with all my things, changing their places and switching drawers and such. I decide to talk to him about it, and walk into the computer room where he was where I was faced with the most horrific scene of prepubescent masturbation I had ever seen in my life. So I ask ( a bit forcefully) "Why are you jerking off in the computer room on the sofa with the door wide open!?" and he replies: "My pants must have fallen down!" I then say "And found it a convenient time to fondle your needle dick!?"  
  We ran out of petrol, driving home from interstate. I am wearing a nice black dress & some heels (comfy travel wear), we hitch a ride into & outta town, I'm in the car with my male other. The guy we hitch with is comming 4 a big car racing rally, and is covered in tatts.  He says, "Hon, when we get home can u fix the timming on my car?" I say " Don't letme forget when we get home" The guy we were with couldn't believe that I was theone that fixed the car.....  
  when i was 18, i worked at taco bell and smoked a lot of pot and drank busch beer. head for the mountains. right. she was the fat assistant manager at the taco bell, and she was driving me home at two in the morning after closing the restaurant down. it's impossible to smell more foul than after closing a taco bell, but we stopped at a 7/11 and bought bud 40's. She said she had to talk to me, so we went to an abandoned campsite in the woods in her firebird. We drank the beers and she told me about her boyfriend that was sleeping around on her. Then we did it, my narrow ass pounding her fatness in the passenger seat of the pontiac. Then she took me back to my apartment.  I never told a soul about that.  
  It seems like all of my friends masturbate and then just jizz all over themselves. Or their sheets. Or their hand, and then fling into onto the back of a closet door. What the fuck is wrong with these people. I use a tissue to block and absorb my jizz. That way, it goes in the tissue, throw it in the trash, you're done. So many people jizz all over themselves...gross. I oughta patent this tissue idea. Ladies, remember that most guys whose hands you shake or maybe for whatever reason you touch their stomach...it's probable that there has at one time been jizz all over that same skin.  
  Not my moment, but I read this and had to comment:  "I was really sad to hear they were replacing the trains in New Orleans, because I know from experience that those are the perfect trains to vomit out of. Why else do you think they've been around 100 years?"   From what I hear, it's because the same drunk fools who vomit out of them have a nasty habit of falling out of them. Damn.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you tease me about being fat. i'm not.  you tease me about the long scars i have from two bouts with cancer.  you get pissed when i speak to any guy other than you.  you accuse me of cheating constantly.  you act like you are seven.  i look at you wide eyed and say no, baby. i've never cheated on you. i lied.  
  I was hoping to hold in my shit until I got to work, so I could drop it on the company's dime. But it wanted to come out before I left.  I hate that. I'd much rather be paid to shit.  By the way, the only thing worse than going into a cold bathroom and sitting on a cold toilet seat is going into a cold bathroom and sitting on a warm toilet seat....   
  My sink got filled up with dirty dishes, so I started buying paper plates.  One day I decided I needed to clean and there was mold and unpleasant shit all over the dishes in the sink, and it stunk to high heaven.  I just threw them out rather then clean them.   Paper plates, real plates, what's the difference?  
  When i was in 10th grade, this gigantic chick (like 6'2" 350lb) in our school dyed her hair bright green. One day at lunch, she walked by the table that i was sitting at with my friends.  My little idiot friend Matt sang "HO HO HOOOO GREEEEEN GIANT!" probably a little too loud.. She punched him in the back of the head.  It knocked his glasses clean off his face and onto his piece of pizza. I pointed at him and laughed.  So did the rest of our friends. Matt was such a moron.  
   this is a lowbrow moment about a super hero named tony!  it's called, tony's lowbrow moment!      
  I was the "Best Man" at my best friends wedding, and while delivering my obligatory toast, I blew chunks all over one of the Maids of Honor. If I only had brought my camera. Funny, I haven't been invited to another wedding since the "Big Spew". Ah, well.         
  Whenever "Dilbert" becomes funny to me, I will quit my job.       
  him: "dude, i can't afford to buy rounds..." me: "what don't you understand? this is how it works: i go up to the bar, buy three beers, i get one, you get one, dave gets one. then dave goes up there, same thing. then it is your turn. you go up there, buy three beers, and divide them among us. at this point you will have paid for, and drank, three beers." "dude, i can't afford to buy any rounds." you scumbag, everyone is on to your scam... we all know you'd rather try'n weasel a couple beers out of us than actually have a structured, fair payment and distribution system. almost as bad as when he tried to tell me it was my turn to buy a round because he bought the last one... "yeah, with my mother fuckin' money!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sorry i'm late, the shower massager wanted to cuddle after  
  I used to work for the Federal government clearing titles on foreclosed property.  We dealt quite a bit with one title company.  The representative from that title company was under a tremendous amount of stess since this was the early 90s and no one was buying real estate, which meant he was doing a lot of work and not getting paid very well.  Anyway, he had a nervous breakdown one day.  About two weeks later, his replacement shows up at our office and we talk about our former rep and I had one of those awkward moments where I didn't know what to say.  I found myself saying "Bob was a great guy; he worked so hard, it's a wonder he didn't have a breakdown".  Very awkward silence followed.  
  We were at a table eating lunch in the noisy, lifeless cafeteria when suddenly we hear the dance beat of "Gonna Make You Sweat" and this tall skinny kid wearing nothing but a black leather vest and a few cowhides wrapped around his waist appears from the restroom.  He proceeded to give another kid (male) a lap dance on top of the table next to ours as we watched in complete awe.  One of the not-so-amused math teachers came and dragged the boy off the table, and we watched as he was carted off to the main disciplinary office.  He threw his cowboy hat and yelled "Yee-haw!" in a passionate and triumphant voice.  Luckily, the event was recorded by a senior with a borrowed camera from the A/V room so all that were not there to witness it could the following period.  God, I love high school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was walking from one class to the next on a sunny spring day  it was so nice i wore a white t-shirt and fine light colored khaki shorts  felt a fart coming on, launched and suddenly realized it was more than just air   the damage was severe. i completely soiled the whole back end of my shorts...just as if i sat in a puddle of mud  four distinct things came instantly to mind:  -the quarter mile walk across the field to the nearest bathroom -no extra underware -the large crowd of people behind me -this girl i just met recently saw me from across the field and was coming over to say hi  i think that was the worst day of my life.      
  8/11/02  First, the godamnmotherfucking "security" in Fresno airport took away my church-key.  The one with the little cork-screw that actually works and doesn't bend, and the little, tiny, almost dull 'knife' that I used for *EVERYTHING*.  And I do mean everything, from pulling out the screens from my bowl, to removing an orange peel, to opening packages, everything...it was an inch, maybe an inch and a quarter?  But, nooooooo!  They have to take it away because I might give someone the equivilant of a papercut!  FFFFFFFFFFFFFuck!!!  I got it into california without a problem...FUCKFUCKFUCK Those fucking thieves!!!  Then, they removed the smooking areas from the United Airlines terminals in San Fransisco airport...  Justfuckingreat!  Now, I have to get frisked again, because I wanted to kill the nicotine fit I might have had on the upcoming 5 hour flight!!  I just came out the fucking door, what, am I going to build a bomb in the whole 10 minutes i was outside the terminal area!?  Why can't they be nice, like Denver, and have a designated smoking lounge, with a nice bar, and good beer on tap...  The 5 hour flight to Newark has begun...I already hate the people next to me...  This prick made a 76 year old woman put her seat up, because he didn't know that he could bend his freakishly long legs!  Then his wife!  Oh, they were made for each other, and loved every second of the misery they brought each other.  "The food is terrible; I can't put my seat down now, because you had to complain; Is this all they're giving us?; Tthis plane is too crowded, why to they have so many people; blah-blah-blah-fucking-blah"  I wanted to punch her face into the seat, and smash her husband's forehead with my GameBoy Advance...then we begin our decent...  The little bitch is worried..."Why is it shaking?  Is it supposed to shake like this?  Why is the plane shaking so much?  Why is it shaking?"-whispering to her husband-over, and over, and over... You'd think her husband would explain things to her, maybe calm her nerves, godforbid-offer some comfort to his wife, who has obviously never experienced this sort of thing...  Buuuuut nooooooo, he mumbles something I can't hear, and she-won't-stop-asking-him-about-the-fucking-shaking! X^O I could take no more, leaned over, barely taking my eyes off Breath Of Fire II, and said "This is normal."  At some point, I wanted to get the fuck away from these people, and their issues.  There's a seat behind us, but I don't know if it's taken...the rear of the plane is blocked...I'll ask someone up front-"Please go back to your seat!  Don't come back here, stay away from the cockpit doors."--wha-HUH!?  Holy fuck, what happened to please!?  What heppened to speaking nicely?!  I was so surprised by their rudeness, I forgot what I wanted to ask...only asking if I could take an empty seat behind me (forgetting to ask them to check if someone was there).  At the GLORIOUS end of our flight, I so desperately wanted to point at the pissy couple, and tell them "YOU TWO-have issues!"  But I didn't.  And all I care about is my    FUCKING CHURCH KEY!  Why, God?  WHY!?  
  After all the screaming and banging was over, we sorted out what happened. She had gone upstairs to my bedroom and found him buttfucking some girl.  Naturally, she smashed him on the back off the head with a half drank handle of Beam. Say what you will about him, but I swear to christ that boy  actually finished what he was doing without losing more than a stroke. Dedication.  
  Sometimes, it seems the more messed up people are, the nicer they are.         
   Everything My Parents Told Me About Sex   Mom: "Oh,  that  nonsense..."  
  I sure hope someone does something to piss me off  real  soon, cuz I'm going to feel like a complete asshole if I felch someone's toothbrush for no reason...  
  have you ever jerked off to women playing tennis on tv?  you know, blonde women with short skirts and nipping.  thats when you know you're bored.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She likes it doggy-style because the motion directly stimulates her clit, and I penetrate her more deeply.  I like it doggy-style because I can fantasize about the cute Russian co-op I work with.  We both like it doggy-style because it's a hell of a lot easier than putting the TV on the ceiling.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know how when you're stoned, sometimes you space out and you start seeing double?  I was sitting on my bed thinking stoner thoughts, and realized I was spacing out while looking at my leg.  I though to myself, "Hey, cool, I'm seeing double!"  Then I realized you're SUPPOSED to have two legs.  
  my ex boyfriend once told me he likes to eat his own cum after masturbating.  i should have been accepting, but i could do nothing but stare at him.  
  She sits next to me at work in a two desk cubicle.I have my hand down her pants and im working my finger when her boyfriend walks up on the other side of the wall and started talking to me. I for sure thought he caught us. I was preparing to get my ass kicked and lose my job. But the idiot ask me a question and then just left. The idiot didn't even notice when he looked at me that my arm was under my desk streching out to the left where his girl was biting her lip.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've always been amused that XP, with all its antipiracy hype, was available the day before it went on sale, cracked for $5.  go home microsoft.  
  I was dating this girl.  She just didn't do it for me anymore.  You know... just not my type.  It wasn't meant to be.  I was a whimp, though.  I didn't want to talk to her anymore, even to break up with her.  I'm not proud of this, but ..... her answering machine did a wonderful job of breaking up with her for me.     
  So, I live in rural Maine, and we have a piano that we no longer wanted becuase it took up too much damn space in the living room.  So I placed an ad in the paper and all over town, saying, "Free piano, in good shape, you haul."  No one did.  For months.   I finally shoved it out the door and down the steps (4).  What a *horrible* sound.  I used the four wheeler to haul it to the burn pile in the garden and set it on fire.  Made me think of Jerry Lee Lewis.  Lowbrow, you make me proud.   
  The sun was coming up and the beer was almost gone. About a half dozen of us were still drinking by the smoldering fire in the gravel pit. She was passed out with her head sticking out of a nearby car door. I told this kid I would buy him breakfast if he jerked off to completion in her face.  She woke up before he finished because we were laughing too loud. I don't know if she was more pissed off at him for trying it, me for paying him to do it, or her boyfriend for authorizing it.  
  I'm in the shitter.  While scanning the stall graffiti, I notice that someone has scrawled a cock on the wall, a cock which bears an uncanny resemblance to Einstein.  Every time I use this stall, I see this cock/half-Einstein, and it drives me insane. One day it gets to be too much.  I whip out my keys and scratch away.  One nose, moustache, and pair of eyes later, and I have to admit: It's a goddamn accurate likeness.  
        quote daydream all the fuck you want for all i care just leave me the fuck out of them im not here for your goddammed sexual fantasies so get a life and stalk someone else endquote she wasnt ready for the barrage she watched him walk away for a long time she didnt cry her jaw was tight as a fist i thought  man that dude is dead by morning  
  I've been trying to convince my wife that we need a catapult....  You know, to get rid of old cantalopes.  
  She underwent breast-reduction surgery because it was the fastest weightloss program she knew.  
  we're going to have a day without concrete nouns.  we can talk about "love" and "justice" but not "shoes" or "a table".  
  Charles Darwin, it's been a long hard evolution. Charles Darwin, we finally came down from the trees. Here comes the thumb. Here comes the thumb. Here comes the thumb, and I say, it's all right!        
  Oh great. Again.  My lips are really sensitive... uh, my lips on my face. Anyway, in dry weather, if I don't take care... uh, wait - that's not to say the other lips aren't sensitive but I'm talking about...  Aw hell, forget it.  
  i see all these people complaining about booger disposal problems... whatever happened to just eating it? all you're doing is a little relocation. it's not going to kill you...   
     I was over at my girlfriend's house and we were kissing and rubbing and all that shit, and then we got naked.  I'd never done eaten anyone out, so I thought I'd try it.  I kiss down her neck, chest (mmmm), stomach, and finally to da bush.  And I go at it for a while, and she's liking it.  I wasn't diggin it too much, so I came up off, quickly realizing a problem. Ain't it a bitch when you realize you have pubic hair of another person stuck in between your teeth?     
  Confession:  I lie.  I tell untruths to make me seem more interesting.  They are alway about my past.  Since I have always moved around a lot, they are always impossible to confirm or deny.  I havn't lied on lowbrow yet.  Yet.  Considering behavioral trends, it's only a matter of time.        
  i volunteer to serve food every month at the soup kitchen in downtown Kansas City.  a few months ago, i show up with the other 6 volunteers from my office, and there's these two young (15-16?) girls there to help out too.  perfect.  more help is better.  they're both pretty, athletic, and wearing tight 1/2 t-shirts and hip-hugger jeans.  20 minutes into serving the food to the homeless, i ask the kitchen manager who the girls are, and why they decided to help out.  turns out that the (slightly) prettier one was busted for flashing, and was doing her community service.  her friend just came along to help and keep her company.  community service indeed.  i'm so going to hell  
   Talking About Opera While Watching Football  E-mailing back and forward with a friend about the difference between a bel canto soprano and a bel canto colouratura soprano.  (Hey! Where did everybody go?)  I really want to get back to the game, but I want to do it gently, so I write, quite honestly: "Hey! I'm actually multitasking right now. I'm literally watching football while typing! I only glance at the screen every couple lines or so to check for tyhpos. Damn, but I'm goodd! You try typing "bel cantp coloyratura" without looking at the keyboard :=)" For some reason, she didn't think that was a gentle-enough hint...  
  "so uh... think i could get your number?" "sure!" she scribbles something down on a piece of paper and hands it to me, in my drunken state next morning, going through my pockets i find a small peice of paper with "hell no loser!" written on it   
  We ordered a large pepperoni pizza.  My friend asked for a glass of water.  I asked him if he wanted regular water or filth water.  He thought he'd be cute.  Filth water.  I poured him a cup and let out a booming, chunky 10 second belch into it.  I can still see the disgusted look on his face.  He never asked for filth water again.  
  "Yay aytch lich ... trurtreen oven prerkrershetch... naw lich luleven ... naw  wush  thrurteen..." --" Thirteen  fucking percosets?!?! Dude the most I ever ate was like six. Holy shit." "Aywhirr schmall." --"What, like 5's?" "Mm mm mm... mebee..."  
  A 35 year old tweaker used to live across the street from my house, he was a friend of ours that hung out with now and then.  We called him tweek boy, he had a room in his house where all the walls were covered with unopened hotwheels cars, once when we were at his place he spent 12 hours cleaning a chainsaw with a bottle of running alcohol and a box of cuetips. this man would lay a line a centimeter thick and 8 inches long and snort it in one second without tearing up.  one day me and a friend were walking down the street to another friends place to wake her up and get her stoned. this was around 3pm in the afternoon.  she was addicted to painkillers and would sleep all day long if we let her so we made a point to make sure she would at least have some activity in her day. you know just looking out for her.  on the way to her place we pass tweekboi's house and he was on his roof with a hose spraying the moss off the tiles.   he was standing thier kinda hunched back staring off into space with the hose blasting full pressure at this one spot on his roof. he waves at us and says "hows it goin guys" , we wave back and continue on our way  2 hours later at 5pm we are on the way back from our friends place with her and it is raining kinda hard  we pass tweekbois house and he is still on his roof spraying the same spot of his roof staring off into space knees bent and leaning back. we discuss weather or not we should get him off his roof and decide it would be more amusing to see if he is still standing thier in a few hours.  he was.  
  830. i wake up. hard plastic kiddie cup filled with coffee in one hand. cigarette and lighter in the other. bleary eyed, i make my way to the backyard. i sit on the ground wishing it was winter and cold, so i could be bundled up, instead of sitting in the blazing california heat. i can hear the neighbor kids yelling. makes me almost wish it was fall and i was back in school. and it's only the first tuedsay of summer vacation. and this is when i kicked over my cup of coffee. it was the only good thing i had going for me so far.  
  i remember one time i was watching this program about spontanious human combustion that was palying back to back.after seeing lots photos tests and dramatized versions of different possibilities they reveal that they have found the cause to be constipation. i literally fell off the couch laughing. i managed to keep it together just as they anounced it again on the second showing and then laughed my ass off for about 5 more minutes.       
  "can i be honest with you?"   "of course you can, you can tell me anything. you know that..."   "okay, here goes... i've wanted to say something for a while now,    we have such a great relationship. you complete me.    but i have to tell you this..."   "what is it?"   "rina, i have a wife and three beautiful children..."    
  I stopped in a pet store on a whim once.  I'd heard they had exotic animals.  When I got inside, it was the most depressing and unclean place I've ever seen.  However, true to rumor, they had a few exotic animals.  It seemed, however, their pride and joy was a capuchin monkey (like the Outbreak monkey) in the middle of the store.  It was kept in a square, plexiglass enclosure, with a storm door on one side.  The walls of the enclosure went from floor to ceiling, with ropes and logs scattered throughout.  At the top of the enclosure, however, the plexiglass ended, and there was about a foot of chicken wire to let the air in.  The monkey would run from the bottom to the top of the enclosure, often to the chicken wire where it would rattle the links.  At one point, it grabbed a chunk of bread form the food dish, and swung back up to the chicken wire.  When it got there, it looked me DIRECTLY in the eye, and went, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," and threw the bread through the chicken wire, showering me with crumbs.  Guess he didn't like me.  
  i am college educated and white collar own a house married kid on the way but people dont even hesitate to swear away when they re talking to me i couldnt have made it happen that way if i wanted to but i sure am grateful at least i know what everyone is feeling i think people need more sex        
  Shorter is better.  I got detention once in junior high. Too many times too late for first period.  It wasn't so bad, but I did not like the teacher's attitude. At one point he leaves the room for a long time and yells at us for talking when he gets back.  I get pissed and tell him that he has good reason to be mad. All of us are stuck here after school, including him. I have nothing to go home for anyway, but he appears to have something else he wants to do.  He gets real mad and tells the rest of the kids to go home. He gives me another hour of detention.  I laugh and tell him I will stick around as long as he want to supervise me. "How about another two hours instead?"  Like I said, I only got detention once.  
  You know what the next step of lowbrow should be?  Audio.  I'm telling you, it would be great just to sit here while doing my homework and listen to some moments.  Think about it...  
  My delectable 21-year old boy toy is over.  We're making out like mad, and proceed to undress...his pants and underwear come off, and he's standing there resplendent with his huge, friendly erection poking full-out beneath his t-shirt reading, "TOOL".  Here's for truth in advertising!!  
  Some idiot tried to convince me that thinking about doing something is the same as doing it, sin-wise. I can prove this is not true. There are tons of people still out there walking around healthy no matter how much or how often I wish they were dead.  Damn it.  
  I pour my bowl of cereal the other day. Poured the milk. I was about to take a bite, but in my spoon there is a 3 inch long earwig. He/she is in earwig heaven now. The cereal is probably in landfill.        
  I spent the day trying to convince my mother that it's ok for her to meet a man her friends want to set her up with; my dad can't complain about it because he's been cheating on her with other men for twenty years.   On my way out the door, she asked if I could spare her a packet of cigarettes.  All this occurred in one of the most affluent neighborhoods of one of the most affluent counties in the country.  My parents are one big lowbrow moment.    
  My friend and I stumbled into an art gallery, where the recption was being held.  There were dozens of art types standing around discussing the sculptures and stuff on the walls.  There was a single bathroom, which my friend went into, but couldn't find the light switch.  Someone stepped in line behind me.   "Is there a reason that the lights are off?"  "I dunno.  I think it's a statement."       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I want to find a word to represent the phenomenon of "dry-heave" that really emphasizes the dry, squeezing, tight, painful aspects.        
  Most of the people who relocate to my hometown of Las Vegas are pathetic fucks looking to score a few bucks before moving on to the Next Big Thing.  So many women come here to work in the service industry as cocktail waitresses, and they all seem to think they are somehow "better" than the girls who dance topless in places like Cheetahs.  The problem is, they are all the same. The same bad attitude, the same obsession with plastic tits, the same multi-faced personalities. They even, like many strippers, have to be drunk before they can go to work.  The waitresses at the Velvet Lounge in the Venetian meet at the skanky, smoke-filled Casino Royale before they work in order to flirt with the low-rent white trash bartenders so they can fill up on cheap liquor. They even have the audacity to have a codename for their behavior: The Preshift. As if having this codename disguises the fact they they are superficial drinken whores who serve drinks because they do not have the guts to dance topless. Sheesh.  
  I was in Europe as an exchange student quite a few years back, I had a huge crush on annother exchange student, an Aussie.  We were on a train in some tiny eastern former Soviet country, it smells like shit, and we're listening to a mix CD her boyfriend gave her.  She starts to cuddle against my leg, I slip my arm over her shoulder... 5 minutes later we're in the bathroom, it smells even worse in here, Flies are buzzing, the toilet is supporting her feet, her perfect ass is jamed in the sink, and I'm fucking her like a rabbit in heat, she comes so loud everyone for three cars can hear it over the rattle of the track.  I finish, throw the condom away, and eat her out for two more orgasims, each louder then the one before. I walk out of the bathroom to a croud of at least two dozen people.  I pause, blushing with fear in my eyes, when the croud erupts in applause, I bowed deep, and went back in for an encore.  
       there was a man down the street, in his mid-twenties most likely.  dark hair, skinny, and the such.  he sat outside of his house in his underwear and talked to god while his girlfriend rode in circles in the middle of the street on her rollerblades. we walked by his house one day and he tried to hit us with his car.  
   after 29 hours of continuous tripping i became concerned and i had to "phone a friend" and ask him whether the "trails" would ever go away.       
  When I was 12 and in 6th grade, I was a nerd and unpopular.  I got on the bus, but nobody would let me sit with them.  The driver wrote me up and I had to go the principal's office.  Now I was an unpopular nerd with detention.       
  Having sex in a stranger's driveway is fun until they come home and wonder who you are.  Oh, well, I guess I'll drop him off at his girlfriend's now and then go home  and finish off by myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sign that my (first) marriage should end #24:  She: "I suppose I'd better let you, so you won't go out and rape someone."  
     I just hate parents who let their horrible children scream and run around.  No, they are not cute.      
  i had been out and about the last couple of nights and was unable/ unwilling to change my cloths or shower for 3 nights in a row. Thanks to "shower in a can" (deodorant) i have managed to keep my odor under controll. anyway i get changed to have a shower and wash the inch thick crap of my skin. and as i remove my boxers i find myself brining them to my nose and smelling them.  i paused, naked holding my filthy sweaty boxer shorts halfway to my face.  What have i become?  I smelled them anyway and was plesantly suprised. smelled like smokey bacon chips and piss   
  So I'm driving home, sublimely calm and glowing, having just been to Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time in 5 years, remembered from 5 years ago, surrounded by 4 women dressed quite provocatively the whole evening, and laid.  I realize I have to get gas, otherwise I'm not getting home.  I start yelling obscenities.  Why?  After all, getting gas is something you have to do when you drive, and I'd just gone to Oakland, back to my large podunk town (about 45 miles one way), to the next town over, out in the sticks to find a secluded spot for a &gt;ahem&lt; "midnight rendezvous" and then back to her house, all this on only $15 of gas in a 1966 Ranchero with a V-8, so it was time for gas.  I was yelling because I was driving naked.  Well, not really naked.  I  was  wearing a jacket.  And glasses.  You see, I'd just gone to RHPS, so I was wearing lingerie, and my Significant Other had borrowed the t-shirt and jeans I was wearing over it (she wanted out of her corset).  Then we went out in the sticks and got busy, so my thong disappeared (it's leather and chain, so it's not quite suited for long-term wearing).  After sex, I wanted out of the bustier and thigh-highs, but had no shirt or pants.  So, I depended on my rather large jacket (thigh length) to help me stay covered in case I got pulled over, the Rocky gear on my passenger seat.  Then I realized I needed gas...  
  After a party, someone asked me "whose space" it was in, but I thought they were saying "Who's spaced", so I replied, "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty hungover".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  It's not really "my moment" but rather, my brother's.    The Set Up:  This 6' something Mexican alcoholic guy who had a beef with me because I busted him for stealing yet another 6 pack of Tecate from the drug store where I worked at the time.  He didn't go to jail or anything, we just busted him doing it.  This results in him calling me a bitch the next time I ran into him outside of work, which was when he peddled past me on the sidewalk on his bike with the basket and white walled tires, and boombox attached to the handlebars.  I inform my brother that he called me a bitch.  My brother already had his own personal beef with this guy.  This was all he needed to hear, the final straw.      The Moment:  My brother confronting this guy.  Smashed his face in with a big rock, popped his bike tires and tossed the bike in the lake, leaving this guy bleeding and drunk on a flight of stairs leading down to the lake, which wasn't too far away from the bench where he usually slept on, and dealt drugs from.  The Post Script:  Next time I ran into this guy, he didn't say one word to me.  Wouldn't even look at me, let alone call me a bitch. Protective brothers are very cool, gotta love it.  ;)  
  so why do you put so much gel in your hair its so when they are pulling my drunken corpse outta the gutter  you know with the ashen grey face and the vomit on my chin and shirt while the street water runs outta my pants leg my hair will be perfect zevon crooning werewoves of london in the background nobody arguing the point        
  Every time I insert a tampon at the bathroom at work, the automatic flusher goes off as soon as its in. At first it freaked me out, but now I'm used to it. However, tonight I was hit with that same horror as the first time it had auto flushed, when it went one further and overflowed as I inserted.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Let me tell you about the China Chef.  I worked one Sunday night and got some takeout from the China Chef resturant.  It wasn't all that good, but I was hungry and ate it anyway. I got off work at 01:30,  drove home and was asleep by 02:30.  At 05:00 I woke up from a disturbing dream, and realized that it was no dream. I went to the bathroom and barely got onto the toliet before a massive stream of loose, watery stool sprayed the bowl. While I was shitting, I suddenly got cold and sweaty.  I turned to my left and vomited three big, productive heaves into my bathtub.  I was actively shitting while I was vomiting.  The Woodsman's 180!  There in the bathtub was the mostly digested remains of China Chef,  and plenty of it.    I had frank diarrhea until the next afternoon,  and wasn't able to eat solid food again until evening.  China Chef,  those dirty fucking crackbabies.  I was tempted to save a stool sample to send them as a token of my thanks (I was going to put it in an old margarine tub),  but it was so rank that I couldn't go through with it.  Plus,  I think there are some fairly strict postal regulations regarding the shipment of human body parts, human excretions,  and other biohazardous organisms.  Too bad.  When I tell people this story,  there is usually a lot of empathy until I tell them what I ate...I got the Seasame Tofu.    The normal reaction is "Well,  that's what you get for eating Tofu!",  followed by "What the fuck is tofu,  anyway?".  Motherfuckers.  Cheers, Tim McCarthy  
  The Flaming Hot Cheetos are very spicey.    Each bright red Cheeto turns my mouth hotter and hotter. Not eating more is even worse because it means i have been defeated.    I feel a great acomplishment while throwing the small empty bag away.  The Flaming Fire mascot of the Cheetos stares from the trash as my mouth reaches peak burning level.  No I do not reach for a drink to soothe my tongue...I Piss on his smiling flaming head.        
  "coffee shouldn't be this way," I reasoned.  "It should be an experience: something you sit down to with a good book or a game of chess.  It shouldn't be a punishment for unatoned sins."  "You want cream with that, honey?" the red-headed girl behind the counter asked, gum popping and freckles freckling.  "No... thanks."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  he glanced at my lowbrow moment and took it upon himself to e-mail it to my mom.  driving speeds of all kinds, i had just enough time to make it to his house and pee all over his parent's bed before they got home.    
        i was nice enough to let her borrow my pen. and what response do it get? Can I keep this pen? Yeah go ahead you fucking low life selfish bitch keep my fucking pen!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just saw a commercial for Nutribars (or something like that), and the tagline was "you are what you eat." It showed a cute girl eating a sticky bun, and she gets off the train, and a guy is watching her walk, and it cuts to a shot of her lower body, and she's walking all sexy, but her ass is two giant sticky buns.  And I thought out loud, "I'd fuck that."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't really imagine what it's like to actually fuck a girl.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you drive an obscenely expensive vehicle and take up two parking spaces so no one will get close enough to ding your doors... baby, you are just begging to get keyed.  I love it when they beg.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   ----------------------------------------  If you keyed my car, and I caught you doing it, I'd skull fuck you until I could tickle your occipital lobe.  Think about that.  
  We were driving back from the Indian restaurant one night--Tom and Shawn and I some others--and Shawn is telling this dumb story Tom and I have heard a thousand times already.  It's about how he went to visit his dying grandmother in the hospital, and she gave him all this advice--be moral and upstanding, don't lie or steal, keep focused on your goals, help others--all this advice that Shawn's never followed (he's an asshole, he cheats, he lies, he's lazy).  Anyway, right when he gets to the part where she grasps his hand, and he says, "And then do you know what she said to me?", Tom says, innocently, "'You're standing on my hoses'?"  The whole car erupted in laughter, Shawn got mad, and, best of all, his story was ruined.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Thank goodness that our parent s generation, once hippies in the sixties who believed in helping others and communal property, demonstrated their hypocrisy when they became yuppies in the eighties, so that greed and selfishness could once again reign supreme.  
  I stripped at the Emerald Inn bar for $80 and free beer.        
         The light I screwed into the ceiling fan made the room look garrish but it seemed a good idea at the time.         The radio played some rap song that was popular at the time.           Me and my friend where back to back with pants around our ankles...both our girlfriends knelt in front of each of us..Lisa in front of him and Nikki in front of me.         They both sucked for the amount of time that the game dictated.        "Your gum" I said, "you forgot your gum"        Nikki giggled and pulled her pink wad of gum off the tip of my cock.        What a classy moment.  
  In a parking lot today I saw a Starbucks with a sign in the window saying,"Drive Thru."  I really wish I was dumb enough to construe it as an invitation to ram my truck through the front windows.  
  DON'T EVER WATCH MISTER RODGERS WHILE YOU ARE TRIPPING!!!!!  When that fucking trolley takes off for the magic kingdom, it's like a lobotomy.  Shit I wish Kukla, Fran & Ollie were still on the air. Now that's good tripping.   
    It was the first time I drove us to lunch.   "Love what you've done to the place", pipes up my smart-assed co-worker from the back of my old land-yaught's stripped-down interior.   I let of the gas for a second, so I could be heard over the exhaust, and ask, "Wanna see what  your  fucking car would look like after spending the night under a river?"  
  I have a beauty spot piercing, otherwise known as a madonna. i needed a replacement ball in a hurry, having lost my normal one, couldn't find on in this damn town, it was 4:50pm and i was getting desperate. ducking into a very kitsch looking new age store i knew sold jewellry, i thought i'd try my luck there . . . Airhead Chick in store: 'oh!! you have a Sara-Marie!!' Me: 'a what?' Chick: 'a Sara-Marie piercing! you know, a Sara-Marie? don't you watch Big Brother? oh, but i bet you had your's before all that, didn't you? i love seeing people with a Sara-Marie, i think it looks so good . . . '  turns out one of the characters on (australian) big brother has exactly the same piercing.  god i hate television.  
  The film ends and members of oppsite sexes flock to opposite ends of the theatre lobby to wait in line for a chance to piss. I make my way into the men's bathroom. Inside, guys lined up waiting to use the urinals. Every urinal is taken but one. No self-respecting guy will even attempt the use the child's urinal. a) It's too low. The splash back would cover your calves in piss. b) To avoid a, you'd need to get down on your kness.  I wait in line like everyone else. I'm finally to the front of the line and then a urinal opens up. Unzip and start doing my business. I glance to the left and notice an apparently drunk, older black man stumble up to the children's urinal. He stands up straight, looks down, and takes notice of the distance to the urinals.  "Damn, they's knew I was coming.  Lowered the stall n' all so I don't touch my dick in the water."  I wasn't sure what was funnier. a) a drunk black man making a joke regarding his endowment sterotype b) bunch of white yuppies all laughing at a in a bathroom.  
  We were having the seniors' only keg on a mountain side when the police drove up the road with lights flashing. One of the cop cars had a police dog in the back seat, and I had a fat bag of weed in my front pocket, so I decided to ditch the contraband.   While the cops lectured us on our youthful foolishness, I craftily crept towards the brush. When I deemed I was close enough, I pitched the weed, but misthrew. It landed on the hood of my friend's car.  A cop snatched it up and asked, "Someone lose some marijuana?"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         overheard this in high school. two goth-type chicks talking. one is pointing to the middle of her hand and says "what if the nail goes all the way through?"  
  I work at Starbucks as a barista and the night before an opening shift (5:30am) I decided that it would be a really good idea if I got WASTED.  I wake up at the god-forsaken hour of 5am feeling like death.  I manage to choke down some cheerios and then hail a cab to the store (I live in NYC).  So I start working, setting up the pastry case, and I feel ILL.  The morning proceeds.  I'm steaming coffee, pouring espresso shots, and just thanking god that I don't have to open my mouth to talk to a customer because I don't know what's going to come out.  I feel worse and worse and gradually assign myself to wash dishes in the back.  At this point I'm washing like one dish every five minutes and spending the rest of the time with my head over the sink.  Then my supervisor informs me that the gal working the register is taking her break and I need to go attend to customers.  Shit.  I go out front.  First customer says:  "I'd like to make two orders. First order, Grande toffee nut latte."  I assure you that nothing sounds less appealing when you're about to ralph than toffee nut.  I take her change, and I'm sure I gave her some pained look of torment.  Hands over my mouth, I run into the back room, find a garbage can and start puking like a fool.  Too bad we have to wear hats.  Too bad my hat fell into the trash can.  Too bad I then vomited all over it.  Dutiful employee that I am, I pick my hat up out of the garbage can, and feeling much better, wash it off, put it back on my head and take the second half of her order.   
  Why is the Dove a sign of peace?   Why isn't it the pillow?   Pillows have more feathers than a dove...plus they don't have those dangerous beaks.   
  4:03 am  Sitting and wondering:  Why there are so many syko bitches in the world...  How many lowbrows did sorry e e have to write so that I can't go five minutes without reading one of his...  And where the hell is my sweater and who the fuck ate all my goddam ice cream..  I really gotta stop drinking...        
  When I told my dad that I was going to Mexico on my vacation, he asked me to smuggle some Viagara over the border for him.   "Traumatized" doesn't even begin to cover it.   
  I studied German for five years in High School. Well, one day, our lesson was vocabulary relating to foods. We learned that walnut in German is "WalnuSS". I promptly piped up, rather loudly proclaiming, "If walnut is WalnuSS, then peanut is PeanuSS!" Even the teacher laughed so hard he couldn't breathe.   
  The best thing about this site is the memories it brings back.  I'll read someone's fucked up moment and like a lost memory recovered by a quack shrink.......oh yeah, I shit myself too.  Lowbrow, cartharsis without the talk or the bill.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         once i accidentally walked in on my roomate while he was taking a crap and he had a used piece of toilet paper up to his nose and was sniffing it.  he said lots of people do that.  i don't.  
  I think it would be fair to say that my low brow'ing is compulsive, and fast approaching a 'disorder'. It has come to the point where I now turn my computer off after a particularly long stint of reading low brow as I have strange and complicated feelings of guilt and paranoia. It's as if I think turning off the computer will kerb the reading, refreshing, and intrigue, and cause me to do something more productive with my day.  I'm not alone here am I?  
  I'm fascinated by pornstars.  I spend way too much time browsing porstar sites on the web.  I can even recognize some of them, and have my favorites.  I haven't watched much porn, but if I had a TV/VCR and no shame you know I'd be renting tapes like a madman.  They have weird names, completely improbabe bodies, exagerated personalities, and they get to sit around and have unprotected sex all day long.  You know what pornstars are?  They're superheroes for adults.  Think of it.  They're creatures of fantasy.  They exist in some sort of weird parallel universe they seem to have envisioned somewhere out in California.  The weird thing is I'm not into skinny, blond, empty women in real life.  I like 'em voluptous, intelligent, and strong-willed.  This weird dichotomy is becoming more and more troubling.  But I'm fine with it for now.  
  My father passed away a long time ago, I lost his watch not long after he died, how silly I was, thinking that I was careless and disrespectful for losing this cherished memory, when all I had really done was preserve it.  
  I read all your deep depressing ha-has or not ha-has as the case may be and feel connected to the world.  We are all the same- sophisticated complicated global  But I can only stay a little while  We're going fireworks shopping.  Sometimes living in White Trash IL isn't all it's cracked up to be        
  Dealer on the couch  I used to go to this fancy private school in the midwest... one day in 8th grade my mom picked me up from school. She puts this napkin on the seat and says "Rick made you a brownie"  I pop it in my mouth innoccently... holy shit... my mom's given me a pot brownie and I'm getting really stoned! Turned out her live in boy friend is a small time drug dealer. I was just really naive about it. sometimes there would be a few pounds on the kitchen table.  He had lots of guns and gold coins and told me he worked at the GM plant, but never had to go in because he got a note from the union doctor.   after she kicked him out he came back and beat the shit out of her one nite while me and my brother listened terrified from our bedrooms. She said she got hit by a tennis ball.  Shit like that can warp a little kid.    
  I often find wire insulation and electrial tape chewy.        
  I was going down on her in her twin bed under the window by the tree in the second floor of her carriage house apartment.  I glanced up from my work and noticed movement outside the window. Tried to ignore it but again with the movement...  Finally I had to stop and explain why my mind wasn't in the game.  We moved up to the window and pushed one of the big metal blinds and peered out...into the masked bandit face of a big voyeuristic raccoon.  Funniest fuckin' thing that EVER happened to me in bed.  
  it was incredibly noisy as dino jr finished their set at lupos in providence i walked toward the inch of water spilling out of the bathroom and some girl plowed right into me she bounced off and asslanded in the water i felt really bad and asked if she was ok she slid her bangs over her ear looking down very self deprecatingly im sorry im sorry said she i wondered who the lame ass coward was that was beating her behind closed doors i saw the punkassthug she was with who laughed at her and then yelled at her so much for sympathy i thought hes a bit bigger than me but drunk and i could surely take him               
  I remember going to all ages shows as a teenager.  Sometimes i was a friend of the band.  Sometimes i was in one or two of them.  And sometimes, but only sometimes, I would go just to be the one to yell "YOU SUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!" at the thirteen year olds on stage who were playing their first show.        
   Innocent British Lyrics #2  The Beatles "Penny Lane" is their cutest, sunniest little innocent tune of all, ain't it?  Ever wonder what the line: "Full of fish and finger pie" meant?  Bluntly, it translates into American as "Fourth Base."  But Let's hear it from the Fab Four themselves: Finger pie was a Liverpudlian sexual reference included in the song to amuse the locals. "It was just a nice little joke for the Liverpool lads who like a bit of smut," said Paul. "For months afterwards, girls serving in local chip shops had to put up with the requests for 'fish and finger pie'."  
  At 30 years old do you think it fair that a person should still get zits? What kind of fucked up sick godless world do we live in where I am 30 with a mass of pimples on my chin and there are bitchy teenage girls out there whose skin looks better than mine. Nuke them all I say...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         soldier in the trenches  you know when a girl looks up at you from your crotch, and she's got a long curly pube right between her teeth?  soldier in the trenches  
  i've never seen someone wave a 15 foot length of drainage pipe like that.       
  My finger popped through the toilet paper and buries itself in my own shit.  "Fuck"   I smell my finger a bit..look at the shit under the nail and proceed to wipe it off.  
  So in science class we had to disect a cows eye. Most of us had fun with it, but then there are the few who have TOO much fun.  So im sitting in my group playing with the lens and I look over to one of the other groups and this kid took everything out of the eye except for the jelly stuff, and he was putting his finger in the eye and then licking it. Then he cut a piece of the fat off and he ate it. The teacher knew he was doing it too, but she never said anything. He complained that he didn't feel good and that he didn't know why....some people.  
    I drank my vodka and we headed down the boardwalk. 50 feet in two petite girls walk by and one looks at me and says "My frined wants ot suck your cock" and keeps on walking. Sorry little girly, I'm not that kind of guy.   Later I race to finish pissing behind a life guard stand before the couple walking gets to me. On my way back I see the same thing over and over. A girl and a boy and a blanket. The boys are all laying back relaxed and content. But all the girls are leaning on one arm smoking a cigarette, their expressions saying "was that it?" Why am I, one of the small percentage who knows how to make love, incapable of getting the girl?    Unbeknownst to me, at the same time my friends are being harrassed by a couple of Jesus girls keen on bringing them over to "God"  What god?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we went to a party in northwest campus and didn't know most of the people, but hey, beer.  it's fun, we smoke out quite a few of the party-goers, and oh beer.  a homeless guy named Hank shows up randomly, totally fucked up and helping himself to the kegs, all the while saying bizarre and creepy things to everyone.  two of my female friends and Kramer are outside when he approaches, and instead of staying to protect the womens, he bolts inside.  about a half hour later, kramer sits down next to amber on the couch and she asks, "are you going to run away this time?"  to which kramer replies, "only if a homeless guy sits down next to me" with a big grin.  hank, sitting next to kramer, turned from his conversation to say, "hey, i showered yesterday!"  
   The 'Brow Leaks Back Into My Life #2  It's now long since I started splashing my entire life across lowbrow.  Fairly harmless in itself. Some moments are amusing, and I obviously fulfill some need for exibitionism or ... something-or-other, or I wouldn't do it.  I used to sometimes be genuinely spontaneous and interesting. I did.  Lately, I'm becoming dangerous and boring.  Boring, because instead of creating things to say to people, I recite my lowbrow moments verbatim. Sure, some of them are amusing, but by now they are all canned, and people can start to tell.  Especially when I forget, and tell them the same one twice, verbatim.  Dangerous, because I no longer live in the present moment.   I live in the present "moment."  Which means that I'm thinking about composing my next moment while living it.  The more outrageous, the funnier, right?   My life has lately become significantly more dangerous and awkward, trying to feed the 'Brow (seriously, why else would anyone take on the biggest of four aggressive guys, and yell in his face: " Suck my big Scottish Dick! ")  If the 'Brow ever becomes a major cultural fixture, I'm sure someone, sooner or later, will come up with a name for my current condition.  In the meantime, let's just call it the "Lowbrow Lifesuck."  Warning to all you frequent posters of 'Brow moments -- beware the  Lowbrow Lifesuck .  
  okay, so living in Hollywood, i see some pretty fucked up stuff, but today, today has to take the cake. the bum was holding a clear plastic Starbucks cup full of brownish liquid that i figured was coffee. until i saw him digging through the trash can and pulling out any cups he could find and emptying the remaining liquid into his cup.  he was having a conversation with his invisible wife the entire time, telling him he "doesn't want to have your children" and blah blah. when the cup was full, he took a hearty swig and continued talking.  
  we called it the pizza rug it was evil seventies deep shag with the mange in redsauce red and oily orange which is reason enough for the name but was named pizzarug cos chelsea pete dropped a full za on the rug face down lifted it up gave the spot where it hit a swipe with his sock and told no one until the following week he dared us to find the spot where it hit no one could and here i was thinking the hairs i pulled outta my teeth were from vets tight little muff not ewwww fibres from that skanky carpet no a rugs a rug does not apply  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Good God, my boyfriend has THE worst tasting pre-cum (and cum, I'm sure, but God help me, I'd staright out vomit if he ever came in my mouth).  He eats a lot of meat, and virtually no fruit... ipso facto, it's like bitter-lemon-soy-sauce-egg-whites-with-extra-salt.  Some guys have no right to complain about the way a woman tastes, let me tell you (I'm sure you other ladies-- and, of course, some men-- can commiserate).  A single drop of pre-cum and, completely out of my control, my head flys back and I naturally start a spitting/gagging manuever, like cat with some comic hair ball.    Talk about a mood killer...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend weighs a good 310 pounds; he's a hefty guy. one day we were talking about innies and outies as in belly buttons, and my friend lifts up his shirt and, to prove his inny-ness, sticks his sausage finger a good 3 inches into his belly button. i was pretty impressed and we went along with the conversation, we look over at my friend was doing the same thing again, only this time he pulled his finger out and it was bloody, and there was some blood smears around his black hole of a belly button in the middle of his bulbous and pasty stomach  he looked up and said "my belly button is NOT a happy place"   
  So I was working as a cook at a restaurant.  12oclock rolled around we were all cleaned up, ovens turned down and ready to enjoy what was left of our Saturday night when our manager comes in and orders a well done steak for himself for a late night meal.  Needless to say we were pretty pissed so my buddy took his steak and took it to the bathroom and rubbed it underneath the rim of the toilet bowl a couple of times prior to serving.....we never heard another late request from him again.  
  Remember the first time you blew a load right in a chick's face?  I was 15, she was 14.  I was hammering away with my little dick into her little pussy.  Right before I came I said, "I want to cum in your mouth", and she said okay.    But I couldn't get my cock all the way to her lips before it started spurting all over her mouth, nose, and forehead.  The next day when she was giving me a blowjob, when I started to come, I grabbed her by the back of the head and jerked off my load, point blank, right onto her squirming mug.  Since then, I pretty much go for hookers because they take the facial for just ten bucks extra.  
  I love tequila, love it. In my college years, I would put a handle down every day, maybe two days. I have had to take exactly three hiatuses from my favorite drink:  Once when my roommate and best both almost died on the same night from almost choking on their own puke and I had to spend six hours in the Er, totally tanked.  Once when another roommate wound up having to throw 4 very large men out of our apartment ('nother moment)while i died of alcohol poisoning with another roommate in the bathroom. (projectile vomiting is fun!)  Once when I fucked my best friend's boyfriend, too drunk to have any kind of foresight.   Today, I am still drinking tequila and I am still getting myself into lots of trouble.  I'm an idiot. But we'll all be happy to know that I still drink tequila   
  i was watching tv with my roommate yesterday and looking at the DTV guide program descriptions.   one show on the animal planet channel is called "pet psychic." i don't really know what is supposed to occur on the show.  it listed the "guests" or whatever you would call them.   one was a "horse with a chip on its shoulder."   then there was something inane about a dog.  the last one said, simply, "unfriendly monkey."    
  I was just getting out of my nice relaxing bath when i was totally grossed out!I picked up a towel out of the rack and dried my face off when I saw some brown stains.Or were they stains?I picked up the towel and smelled the brown spots not knowing what they were well was that ever a mistake.I threw the towel across the bathroom and jumped back into the bath srubbing my face fiercly.It was shit! somebody elses shit.I thought that the puspose of a bath was to clean yourself not to get wet then wipe your ass with a towel and put it back in the rack.Thanks to that ignorant asshole I have now been scared for life!  
  When I was a waiter, I worked with this very very hot 18 year-old girl. We went over to their apartment once to drink or whatever. While everyone else was out at the pool and I was in the apartment to pee, I stole a pair of her panties from her laundry basket and took them home with me. I think I still have them around here somewhere.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It sounds like I'm going to get laid off from my job. It may be as late as next summer or as early as Christmas; I'm not sure.  Looking at the big picture though, bankruptcy doesn't seem all that bad.   It'd take me more than 7 years to pay everything off the "honest" way.  Bankruptcy. "Baaaank-ruPT-cee." It's got a nice ring to it.  
  That dumb bitch, she fucked that other guy!  "Oh i was high, i was high!"  Yea, like i beleive that you just gave him a big piece of puntang pie!  Go suck someone elses dick, do it while you cry!  You fucked me good our lake of lust is dry!  That dumb bitch, she fucked that other guy!  
  Bring on your whips and latex. I now officially qualify as a masochist. I'm voluntarily working at the mall as seasonal retail help.   
  Check out my Hotmail address. I bet all you other stupid bastards are pissed off that I got it first.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.  
    Consider the garbage rat.   Not the cute white rodents found in suburban cages and mall pet stores.   I mean the gray and brown, quick moving sewer rodents that have caused plagues, eat garbage and are considered vermin.  If you really take into consideration this animal, you will find his worth.   He means no harm to anyone and yet many loathe his existence.  Unlike most humans I know, the sewer rat doesn t attack unless provoked, devotes love and guidance for  it s young and pretty much stays to itself.   Not much greed, pride nor desire to succeed.  The rat also makes his home in places no other animal, short of insects and bacteria, would.  Add in some darkness, a bit of dank air   The perfect home.  A nice comfy nest just outside the shit hole.   If we are ruthlessly ousted from our pretty white houses and are forced to live in filth, the rat will smile.  They will have the last laugh.  I like the rat.   Especially the ones that know this wisdom.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my very first BJ was from some tweak chick who was missing most of her teeth. most girls tease me about it, until i mention she was better than them.  
  Once in college I pretended I was blind, with help from my roommate.  I was beyond drunk ,which seemed to help me pull off my blind act. I was having a lot of fun at different parties, collected about 8 bucks in spare change and was given many free beers. Then this very attractive young lady started talking to me and I started seeking a pity fuck. Then she mentioned she wanted to me and my roomie to meet her roommate back at her dorm. In my drunken stooper I was expecting an orgy. When we arrived at her room she introduced me to her blind roommate.  What a way to kill a buzz.   
  Some times I see posts by  cheerleaderatyercrotch and I think wow, I'd like to meet that girl. Then I read some more of her posts and I think I've probably met her and flipped her off.  
  Yelling 'fire' in a crowded theatre is will get you arrested, while yelling 'fire' in an empty field will get you looked at strangely.        
  my best friend was telling me this story about how he and his sister gross each other out by wiping snot on each other's shirts, disgusting, i know, but that's just what they do.  anyway, apparently his little sister got a real slimer, and smeared it into his favorite shirt.  so he blew his nose on her face.    
  Masturbation Tip:  After jerking it, push a finger against your piss tube at the base of your cock, and then bring it up along the length of your dick to your head. I guarantee you will find some jizz in there that didn't make it out in the initial ejaculation. And yes, you want to get rid of this excess jizz.  I found out about it one time when some of that excess jizz hardened and I couldn't piss.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so, after playing tyler durden for a week, i was about ready to shoot the first person whose fart smelled bad.  i had managed to get a table for 12 at the olive garden, which had turned out to be a backup to our backup plan.  i hate people, especially 2/3 of the people that i had to eat with.  pricks.  for example, the neanderthal sitting across from me opened his mouth.  the slut sitting next to him was preparing to open her legs.  but before she got the chance, volumes of self praise and grunts spewed forth from the neanderthal's gaping maw.  apparently, he was the most attractive man in the world (as most of you probably know), yet somehow, had been single for years!  since our waitress obviously wanted his nuts, and who wouldn't?!  i mean, he's 200 pounds of pure muscle and not a shred of personality, intelligence, or human decency.  shit, i'd do him if i wanted to kill myself.  so, this shallow bastard is appealing to the masses for approval of his stunning beauty and power.  meanwhile, the overused gash to his left wouldn't even fuck him with someone elses used snatch.    those two are perfect for each other    
  1 Vicodin + 6 beers  = Golfball sized burnhole in sofa.  Smoking is bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i caught my dad masturbating to bestiality porn.  i blackmailed him for $5,000.  what else is family for?  
  I inadvertently did something that changed someone's entire life.  When I was in highschool, some history teacher was doing some class exercise in which everone was supposed to come up with some sort of saying or philosophy.  I, deciding to be a smart-ass raised my hand and said   "Wherever you go....... there you are'   which is from some dumb brady bunch movie that happend to be on cable a few months back.  only reason i remember this was because teacher wrote it on the board and under that he wrote 'do you mean summer school?'   FAST FORWARD 3 YEARS LATER  I'm in college and dont remember anybody in that class let alone the teachers name when i bump into this girl who recognizes me instantly and starts following conversation.  girl: IT'S YOU, OMG I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, I REMEMBER YOU IN HIGHSCHOOL YOU SAID THAT QUOTE, 'wherever you go there you are'!!!!  me: ??? (blink)  girl: that quote changed my life, i used to be sooo uptight about everything but i thought about that quote more and more and it's helped me so much and now i'm happy, dont need a therapist (blah blah blah talk talk talk)  me: ??? (thinking WTF?)  girl: well i have to be going to class, i'll see you around (smile).  me: ??? (smile?)  I never saw her again, (i quit college a week later)   now the lowbrow moment comes years later where i'm sitting @ work and all of a sudden remember all this shit cause i'm bored out of my mind and realize i prolly could have gotten her phone number and gotten laid for my ever-so-life-inspiring-stupid-smartass-remark. DoH!  
  Wondering:  If I had to, who's naked picture would I rather see?  Rush Limbaugh or Whoopie Goldberg?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We all looked behind us startled as the car hit the curb and then did a little jump up on to the sidewalk.  "I begged Mom to stay out of the Schnapps," he said.   
  haiku:  about that life thing                                 go get yourself a cookie                                 don't think about it    
  I wasn't very popular in high school.  I knew lots of people and was on friendly terms with them, but I wouldn't say I had a lot of true friends.  I was/am a bit dorky, I guess you could say, so people would often tease me, just jokingly; not to be assholes or anything.  So one day I'm in my journalism class and we had to go to this nearby mall and try to sell ad's for the school newspaper.  Before we were about to leave, everyone was kinda making fun of me in a playful way as they usually did (don't remember what they were saying, but I didn't care).  Suddenly this woman comes up to me - doesn't say a word - reaches into her purse, pulls out a card and hands it to me, then walks off.  She didn't hand it to anyone else, just me.  I look at the cover of the card.  "You are special" was written on it, and there was a picture of some flowers.  Inside it had a bunch of jesus-freak BS that I didn't care about and promptly threw out.  Then everyone started making fun of me for that, too.  When are jesus-freaks going to learn that they d nothing but cause more problems?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever notice how difficult it is to find a good pair of shoes to go with your colostomy bag?  
  I sat quietly, motionless and silent, in the pre-dawn darkness of my back porch, hose nozzle in hand, waiting patiently for the damn cat who's been shitting on my doormat to show up.   I was not disappointed. Kitty high colonic.  
  Once when i was about 15 i was spending the weekend at my girlfriends father's beach house and i went out of the guest room to wake her up. I bent down and gave her a kiss on the cheek and gently shook her a few times. Finally she stirred and rolled over.   As she did this: "Poooooooooooooot!"  the most wretched fart i have ever smelled, escaped her. My face twisted in horror and my eyes began to water.  I let her sleep for another hour after that.   
  The mood was perfect.  I had this hot little blonde really starting to like getting oral sex.  Soft music playing in the background, we had her house to ourselves, and her bed was really comfortable.  Clothes off, we started kissing, and it wasn't long before we ended up in the '69' position.  Leave it to me to forget to take out my chewing gum before we got too far.  Man, was I ever embarassed when it got all tangled up in her pubic hair.  She was very forgiving, but I think she probably doesn't like to get oral sex to this very day.  
  Sitting here at my computer at some ungodly hour of the night, reading 'brows.  I can't sleep because my stomach is doing somersaults inside me, and I don't know why.  All I know is that I can't stop farting or burping.  I feel the urge coming on, so I let one rip.  Gives off a great resonance from the plastic chair I sit on at my desk.  About two seconds later, I am forced to leave my living room for a while to air out.  The only time I've ever managed to gass myself out of a room, and all I could think was "I can't believe there's no one else here to smell this!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so, i open my email today and i find this letter:  "you know... there is nothing i love more in this world than bleeding profusely from between my legs, with these little curdles of blood oozing its way out, making me change my tampon bout every 2 hours so i dont soak myself or anything im around.... i just thought i would share that with you. "  and i start to think, damn i wish i were a chick.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So once I met this cute chick online who I got along with really well,  she had alot of similar interests in technology and computers that I had at the time.    However,  "she" turned out to be a transexual who wanted to give it to me up the ass.  this was omitted until after I had travelled to meet her.  To this day I am immediately suspisious & leary of any female claiming a large interest in computers and technology...  
  One of the greatest achievements of my life is the duct tape hot tub in my secret haunted basement.  Sorry, mom and dad, that's what tuition paid for.  
  by far the coolest thing i saw on my recent trip to san fran was the twelve fifteen-year-old catholic school girls in those cute plaid pleated skirts all smoking giant cigars on the corner of 25th and valencia.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If I were a guy the first thing I'd do would be to pee standing up.  The second would be to cum on some girl's tits   
  I am in the back cooler of the convenience store filling the soda slides when it dawns on me that I just put a full tank of gas in a diesel VW rabbit.  The driver came back about 20 minutes later, VW shooting loads of smoke, Pissed!        
  Dumb girls take heed from this: I'm in this college class and there's these two idiotic girls who always sit behind me.  They are continually talking about either their kids or their husbands.  NOTHING ELSE.  I hate them so much.  Last week, an hour before class, I went into the room and jerked myself off onto the back of the chair one of them sits in and then made sure I was behind her on the way out of class so I could see the stain.  I haven't laughed that good in years.  
  Her roommate's sketchy boyfriend was dropping by for the night for another bout of psycho-sexual domination. I suggested she sleep in my room.  "If you're cold on the floor, you can sleep in bed with me. I'm sure I'm as lonely as you are."  She gave me the look that said I should know better, and we both felt the weight settle upon our shoulders. Any contingencies we ever tried to make for ourselves were crushed under the realization that we just couldn't click. "More weight," I thought.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 16, and fancied myself some kind of neo-Beat poet.  It made sense to me that I should start smoking pipe tobacco, so I ordered some off the Internet and 2 weeks later I was upstairs in my room, puffing away.    No-one had warned me what happens when you smoke too much tobacco at once.    I dunno if it was laziness, or stupid teenage rebellion or what, but I never cleaned up the vomit on my floor.    Life's been pretty much uphill since that point.    
  Woke up at 2 pm today. Groggy and half concious my dad was trying to talk to me as I went to open a pop and toss something in the trash.  Upon getting to the trashcan I held before me about 20 huge stems of pot plants in the trash. All the buds picked off clean of course.   I stare in awe knowing there is a bunch of weed drying somewhere in the house.   My dad disappears for a moment and comes back into the kitchen and just throws some buds on the stove. I stare thinking he's pulling a cruel trick.  Come to find out all mine... I swapped it up and headed straight to my room to find my Homemade "bipod" bong.   Ahh you know you've been bonding well with your father when he shares his buds with you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were at the local bar, small town wisco... dave is actually sober, but not for the right reasons... because he was broke. the cops show up... reports of the bar serving under-agers. so they're walking around the bar, looking for the reported "perps". dave hurls his barstool backwards, hits the floor and rolls a few feet.  he gets up slowly, stumbles up to one of the cops and swears again.  says he's leaving. stumbles out of the bar, into his car (which is parked next to a cruiser, two cops in it) and leaves. they ignored the bait and us (real) drunks had to leave our cars there and walk home.    
  Today I watched a girl sit in a parking lot trying to start her car, which had had the lights left on all day and was clearly not willing to start.  She tried to start it, then waited 3 seconds before the next try, then waited 10 seconds before the try after that.  She then waited a minute and tried once more.  Clearly the car was unwilling to start, and yet she felt as if she could 'trick' the car and possibly 'catch it off guard' by trying to start it in longer intervals.  Stupid girl.       
  my love life (or absent love life i should say) has reached and all time low. yesterday i masturbated with vanilla yogurt and a bar of soap up my ass. i really need a girlfriend...  
  Right.  So there's a new addition to the "Never ever ever tell your mom" list, added in retrospect, as usual.  I thought she'd be a little more modern about it, really.  
  If woman ran the pentagon would missles be shaped differently?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've come to realise the cliche in the cliche.   I see it and hear it everywhere - a cliche has even become cliche, blinding its truth - self serving media, independent women, urban deconstruction.  I say:  "Random construct of words your sentences."  and  "Create false isomorphisms."  So that:  Red is right, zap your fizmo. Piffil.  Cliche that.  
  While walking to a movie theater with my dad, two attractive girls from school pass by and say "hi" and i reply the same.  Two hours later afther the movie's over, i turn to my dad and ask, "Dad, what'd you think of those two chics that said hi to me earlier?"  His reply: "Eh, i dunno alex. All i saw was a bunch of skin and some bouncy tits, I couldn't even pick them out of a line up right now. So what do you wanna do for dinner, sushi?"  God do I love my dad...  
  we have this twice yearly problem with our main sewer line where it gets clogged and the clean-out cap pops off and raw sewage flows out. we call a plumber to snake the line and then we're good for another six months.  a few weeks ago i noticed that in the area where the sewage flows, a small green plant was growning so i pulled it out to find that it was attached to a small, and slight deformed tomato.   i decided not to eat it - can you blame  me?  
  I am working out at the gym to further one of my new year's resolutions.  There is a "lower back exerciser" that has weights that push your back forward.  To use it, you push back against it and then do situps while, well, sitting up.  Never before has my mouth come that close to my dick.  
  so i went out one night with this friend of mine.  she's wallowing because she fell in love with a guy who left her for pot and an easy fuck.  so i'm driving and she asks me to pull over at this convienence store.  she gets out and walks up to the guy at the counter and asks for a pack of kool menthols.  she comes back out and we're laughing because oddly enough neither one of us has ever considered smoking as a way to blow all our cash, and not being of legal age, it's a rush for us.  we're giggly catholic school girls.  so i'm sitting there and we're talking about how strange it is that we've never tried it.  then she turns to me and in complete seriousness says "if i ever catch you smoking, i'm gonna bitch slap you so hard you won't know what happened."  she didn't seem to realize that as she said this, the cigarette she was holding with her lips was bobbing up and down with every word.  hypocrisy much sweetie?     
  My asshole is like a volcano.  A volcano I always have to clean up after.  After a virulent shit, I have to wipe off the shit gobs stuck above sea level on the porcelain.  Even worse, if a 'roid is bleeding and I'm splattering I don't want anyone to think someone in the house is having a messy period.  Wipe the porcelain for that, too.    
  nicky jones sits next to me and asks for a butt hes out hes been out for a while and his figgiting and squirming at at maximum overload but i dont have any and the machine in the corner wont take bills flip the switch clicks and he unleashes as hateful wrath of spewing attack upon life and liberty and the pursuit of all things nicotine related whoa big feller it was like taking to a junkie trying to quit smack        
  yesterday i made spagetti bolognase again  one ensuing fart definately sounded like   "meow!"  or even,   "let me out!"  after i had stopped creasing up with laughter, i farted again, only this time it sounded like a dog barking   "woouf"  ahh, it ceases to amaze me how a simple noise can be so endlessly entertaining  how come sneezes aren't anywhere near as funny?   "quack"  -Iain-  
  I order two espresso milkshakes because they take the longest for her to make and so I can stand and watch her longer. I don't even like espresso milkshakes. I don't know if my girlfriend does, I wasn't listening.  
  It is illegal within the city limits of Pittsburgh to own any cat other than the species commonly refered to as the Domestic Housecat.  Why then, for the last ten days, have the police been looking for an escaped 42-pound "pet" African Serval? Man, some people just have no respect for the law...  The Serval's name? "Mr. Bigglesworth." Man... Some people have no respect for cats.  
  You pay at a pay toilet so they can keep it clean, right?  This was the line i was given by the brisily woman at the turnstyle. she's the anit and pee guard. So, i, after paying, simply step near the urinal and pee in a circle. i really needed to go so there was more than one rotation. fine, i pay for you to clean it, i'm going to make sure i get my moneys worth.  
  i used to work in a really expensive italian restaraunt. i worked in the kitchen. sometimes the servers would come back and ask us to refill the little containers of seasoned olive oil to put on the table. you know, the stuff you put on your bread and what not. so, whoever was handy would go back to the huge ten gallon bucket of olive oil that we made, maybe every 6 months, and scoop around the mold that was floating on top and fill up the little containers. if you like eating out, don't ever work in a restaraunt.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you can smoke riddalin.  but i wouldnt advise doing it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Years ago in high school I was sitting at a lunch table with all my other geek friends.  Out of nowhere an oreo cookie came rocketing and struck my friend Scott in the head.  It took us a minute to put together the following:  the cookie had struck so perfectly that the two pieces of cookie had squished all the filling out in little white ribbons all over the table and Scotts head - and the ends were pressed together with no filling between them.  And they didn't even crack.  We tried in vain many times to duplicate this amazing shot much to Scotts displeasure.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After reading this stuff for an hour, I'm glad my drinking days are behind me.  Pathetic, you say?  Just wait until you're old and realize the people writing here are some of the best and brightest,  Now THAT's pathetic  
  I was 15 and she was an older woman, like 16 or so. We left the court-ordered NA meeting where we had met and parked at a church, empty at 10 pm or so. We made out for a while, getting pretty wet, hard and sticky, and she sucked me off in no time flat. After a few minutes of recovery, she said,  You haven t met Puff yet, have you?  with what I assumed was a devilish grin. I was ignorant in the Ways of Women, and spluttered for moment, trying to figure out what the secret was, and simultaneously act like I knew it already. She silenced me by pulling off her pants the rest of the way, along with her tiny panties.   This is Puff,  she said, pointing to a tattoo of a dragon next to her bush. And I was hard again.  She pulled me inside her, and I came again, again pretty fast. After we caught our breath I said something about getting home. She looked down at my crotch and said,  You re not going anywhere, as long as you ve got that hard-on.    I was too embarrassed by the whole  Puff  thing to tell her that I had to pee really badly, and that was why.   I did her again, but it took a little longer that last time. After, I went and peed outside the car for like an hour. It felt even better than coming.   
   I wonder if I can handle the concept of casual sex.  I'm afraid I don't know the rules...       
  His mom really didn't have a problem with the t-shirt. After all it was just sex, not heresy.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Chevy truck's hood up and my daughter and I are changing spark plugs (just maintenance - no problem).  A Ford truck driving neighbor walks by and tells his wife, "See that, honey? That's the way you see Chevy trucks all the time."  His remark bothered me.  
  overheard while visiting Branson, MO-  "never thoght i'd see a daughter of mine give it up to a total stranger before her own kin"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I ratted on you not because you have been tying up the office printer for the last 3 days printing out hundreds of pages of personal shit, but because today you didn't bother to flush after taking your Atkins-all-protien dump.  For the 400th time.  My 5 year old knows how to flush.  Perhaps he can give you lessons.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was just sitting here in my cow print boxers, hitting "reload" on lowbrow when i felt something tickle my inner thigh. I reached down to scratch and found a hair.  An unusually long hair for that area, so i pulled on it. A 2' long hair just came out of my ass. At least 18" of it was actually IN my ass. I have long hair, so i'm reasonably sure it's mine, but jesus... how'd it get up there?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Roleplaying is not lowbrow. Offering your girlfriend for sexual favors in return for prestige, experience points, or more leniency in character creation, that's lowbrow. Smith tried that once. Luckily, I refused. ~puck~  
        My fly had been down for the whole Bible Study and no one noticed.  
  I knew a movie star for a while.  A big one.  Not Dustin Hoffman though.  But you know him.  He once said:  "Everybody wants to be famous.  You know one time this chick flashed me her titties in Italy in a bar so I lifted up my T shirt back at her.  The next day they had a picture on the cover of the local newspaper."  "Yeah" I said "but then. . ."  "You know what the difference between fame and family is?  Family you don't see for a few years and when they do they still adore you.  Fame you come back after laying low for a while and everyone's over you.  Like contempt - like contemptuous.  But  everybody   wants to be a fuckin star.  People should strive for family."  "But then there's millions of dollars." I said.  "Yeah of course then there's millions of dollars."  
  Ever end up getting to work about 10 minutes late because you absolutly had to stop and masturbate?  It's happening too often for me, for some reason. I really need to schedule this stuff.  
  Once when I was maybe eight, I was watching this really absorbing TV show, I think it mighta been Double Dare on Nickelodeon.   Anyway, I had to pee, but I really didn't want to stop watching the show, and it somehow didn't occur to me to wait for a commercial break. So I deliberately dropped my drawers and peed on the floor. (Hey, at least it wasn't carpeted.)   My mother was mystified. I feigned ignorance.   
  I recently read a story about the catholic church replacing its confessionals wooden walls with glass ones to cut down on the amount of child molesting that its priests do.   What the  fuck ?   Any religion that actually needs to take preventative measures like that to keep their spiritual leaders from fucking little boys anytime they go behind closed doors really needs to reevaluate if they should be trying to convert others to their faith.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         3:00 breakroom banter:    ...the laughter dies down, and we bo back to reading our papers and sipping shitty coffee.  Shane sits quietly wondering to himself, " what *is* a rim-job anywho???".        
  I really wish that instead of having a big cock, cumming alot was cool, too.  My cock is average sized, but I cum so god damn much that once it ended up on her back and mine from the same ejaculation.  We were facing eachother at the time I came, too.  God, that was hilarious.   
  While talking about alimoney payments and how well off the woman usually ends up Darren says "I might get a sex change"  Bob says "What, and become a man ?"  
   Ack, my dog just farted in her sleep...   ...why the hell does the odor have a hint of salami to it?      
  while living in west hollywood ca i had a very filthy roommate who would not bathe or help clean.one day i noticed yellowing on the lower parts of the walls and came to find the dog of his,whom he was to lazy to walk,had been lifting his leg and peeing on the walls.1 day after i picked him up and threw him bodily out i went into his bedroom to pack his stuff and found about 40 big jars of pee all around his bed.he was too lazy to get up in the night.so i found lids,packed them all up and took them to his mom.  
  Things wrong with my 1989 Chevy Blazer 1. driver side door does not shut. 2. passenger window does not roll up. 3. AC does not work. 4. heater does not work. 5. cruise control come on by itself sometimes. 6. have no key to open to back hatch. 7. broken winshield wiper motor  8. rear view mirror will not stay attached to window 9. blown rear seal 10. tapping valves 11. transmission slips 12 interior on roof of cap falls down, -help up with thumbtacks 13. passenger seat will not roll back for larger persons, stuck in close up kiddie position. 14. seatbelts do not lock 15. missing back bumper 16. have to jiggle wires under dash to make AM/FM Delco stereo come on. 17. tired are bald 18. out of alignment, have to always hold steering wheel, if I dont, the truck makes a sudden left turn. 19. muffler has a hole in exaust pipe. 20.ashtrays in backseat always fall out of their spaces. 21. will not go into 2nd gear 22. spider cracks on the rear axle.  other than these its a good truck and trying to get at least $800 for it.  
  the night I (willingly) slept with four different guys, and convinced my boyfriend that all the hickies on my body were bruises I had gotten from playing soccer.   
  visiting the neighbor...he's rotund and watching television in his underwear surrounded by so many oxygen bottles the place looks like a welding shop.  and with a house that big, why bother to walk the dogs?  knee deep in dogshit...amazing what some folks will tolerate.  
  One of those little moments that could have easily been disastrous but for the intercession of the Gods:  Mindlessly dropped a key lime skin down the garbage disposal...lots of noise and the skin refused to be consumed.  I flip off the disposal switch and reach into the disposal to retrieve the skin...did it a little too soon and caught the tip of my index finger on the spinning blade.  Must remember to be more mindful in the future.  
  a friend of mine Morgan had never tripped before and so he ate about three large doses of mushrooms not knowing, and stripped naked in a barren parking lot. then he jumped up and down on bobby's car, caving the roof in [quite a lot of damage, considering he's a little guy]. then he chucked some rocks and broke a window of what he thought as a closed business of some sort. turns out it was a 24-hour fire department and fire fighters don't really like naked rock chuckers on hallucenogens bothering them at 4 am. the firmen called the cops and the cop called the ambulance, and well.. he was in trouble with his dad pretty bad.  
  So many to choose from...  Well, when you're jobless, financially strapped, living in your Honda AND trying to make your weekly $100 vodka allotment count, you can't be too choosy about that first drink of the day.  Even if you barf it right back up again.  My theory, put into practice on way more than one occasion, was that if what came up still looked like mostly vodka, then it went back in.  I kept a mug handy for that purpose.  Mmmmmm.  
  Once required medical attention to have a large bag of Chex PartySnax removed from my rectum.        
  I'm fucking this new girl Diane. I'm hanging out with a friend and a guy I don't know. I start telling them about how I'm banging this new girl diane.  How nice her tits are and how she likes to fuck.   The guy I don't know looks at me funny and my friend says. "Dude thats his EXWIFE."          Pass me another beer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Joe was a pretty cool guy. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Anachronistic. He wanted to go to a Grateful Dead concert with me at Madison Square Garden. I said sure. He liked to take acid.    We took some acid.  I think he took a little too much. Maybe a lot too much. About midway through the second set, he was pretty out. He reckoned we were ALL dead. And we were ALL waiting to be judged. In a kind of huge pyschedelic anteroom. He thought Jerry Garcia was judge. And that was what was going on up there on the stage. Maybe he had done something really really bad in his life becuase I could not get him to let go of the seat. After most people left, and the lights went on, I managed to convince him we weren't dead. And I drove two hours at 75mph down the NJ turnpike with a carpacked full of totally spaced-out hippies.   I never saw Joe ever speak  a full coherent sentence after that night which is kind of fucked up considering how short and singular this life is.  Even worse,I don't think there is a moral to this tale.     
  he told you he was pondering the infinite, when in reality, he was just napping.  
  One time I got this little burn on my hand from a match.  I was sitting in Algebra II the next day when I noticed it had blister. I pushed on it with my thumbnail and the damn thing squirted!  It almost hit me in the eye!  I looked around the room quickly hoping no one saw it and then slumped in my seat.  
   Backup Plan  Sure, I've got my radar locked on The Most Beautiful Woman In The World, but she still has the silly idea that she's going to marry some dead-meat guy in Philadelphia. But it's not a sure thing, yet. So I hit up the liquor store. Funny thing about liquor stores in NY is that they only sell liquor and wine, and I don't drink either of them.  What I drink in with my eyes is the babe behind the counter. She's been on and off my radar for the last seven years, and I figure now's the time. I make up some conceit about I'm making Mexican Drunken Chicken, so I need one cup of tequila. She sells me four tiny bottles, giving me one free, and says: "Please tell me how it turns out." Now the time is right, Me: "You can find out yourself, could I invite you to dinner?" Took her completely unawares, and she stammers the usual goddam thing: "Eh, actually, I'm seeing someone right now." I hate euphenisms. I'm seeing her right now, but she means regular exchange of body fluids with this guy, whoever he is. But that gives me pause. There go my plans, right? Like hell. Start to count. See if you can get to one before... Me: "Okay, let me change gears. Could I invite both of you to dinner?" She lights up: "That would be wonderful! But both of us have eating problems. I'm an anorexic..." Me, openly ogling her incredibly-skinny wonderful body: "Oh, do tell!" She laughs: "...and he has all these weird dislikes, like he can't eat peppers, he can't eat lettuce, he can't eat..." Me: "Tell you what. Give me your e-mail address, I'll send you mine, and you can tell me all of the dietary restrictions the both of you have. I will conform to all of them, and still make you the best meal you've ever eaten. I guarantee you alone will gain ten pounds." I'm just cruising, now. Another customer comes up, and she takes care of him. I nudge him and say: "Can I introduce my next wife to you?" She loses it completely. If she wasn't so wordly-wise, she'd be blushing. Made in the shade. More dead meat arriving shortly.  
  Stephanie had a little nub on the end of her nose.  When they teased her about it (a frequent occurrence), the nub would turn red & start to wiggle. She was out of school for a couple of weeks after Christmas vacation, and when she returned, the nub was gone.  Nobody said anything about it. 2 months later, Amy, a cheerleader who sometimes, well, missed things shrieked, "Stephanie!  You got your nose done!" loud enough for everyone to hear. 3 years later, my roommate was looking at internet porn: a picture of Amy on those old high school bleachers,  sans  cheerleader uniform.  I told him the story & he felt compelled to print the picture.  
  Eating at a chinese restaurant with the family, the waitress (to whom English is a second language) takes everyone's orders.  She gets to my cousin, who, in his best Chinaman voice, says "I wanna numma six"  His mother gives him a smack upside the head.  The waitress asks "You no want him have numma six?"  Couldn't help but laugh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Know what gripes me?  Sex. More accurately, what women scream during sex. "Deeper! Deeper!". Like I have a piece of dick that I'm holding out on her. Yeah - sure, deeper. Just let me go slap another leaf in it... it's not a damned table!  ...anyhow. Yeah. That gripes me.  
  Cooking oatmeal (because that's all I had...college) wearing nothing.  The stove had some sort of short in it, so when I was stirring the oatmeal, the spoon hit the bottom of the pot, and a SPARK shot out of the tip of my D, grounding to the stove.  This happened twice.  I decided to cook in my underwear from that moment on...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to light sweet-smelling candles while I work on homework. Helps me focus while I'm doing an essay or paper. Today I finished my homework, was boogeying around in front of my desk, picked up the candle and blew it out. I guess I blew a little too hard, because the liquid wax floating there flew up and landed all over my face and neck.  
  I'm a senior in high school, have a car and am allowed to leave school for lunches, like most seniors/juniors.   4 days out of our 6 day school cycle, I have lunch at the same time as my friends. We go out for lunch, to one of our houses or little restauraunts in town.  Those other two days no friends of mine are in my lunch.  So I go home by myself, make a sandwich, then go upstairs and jack off to internet porn while eating the sandwich, and I'm back in school fifteen minutes later for my next class.   
  mutts and meltdown and the rage of open adrenal glands brings the thought of aggression to ball fist listen you fucking mutt you pinch everything you say from someone else you havent said a word that someone else hasnt told you regurgitation that all you are you fucking drone  flash of anger in his eye then the string of lame excuses and denials and attempts to be original  it is far better to be an honest boring man than a fucking puking mongrel he said slamming the rest of his  beer and tossing ten bucks at the man get a fucking life for crisakes there were tears in his eyes as he watched the only honesty hed known walk out of the bar         
  speeding isn't lowbrow. 70+ in a 45. What do I get for this? Traffic School. 8 Hours of knodding off, staring aimlessly. Trying desperately to pass the time.  Went to the bathroom, hoping to take another 15 minute crap. My junk had become excited due to the fantasizing about the chick in the next row (yum velvet pants that fit her oh-so nicely.  Was sitting on the can, not really doing anything, not even takin a crap cuz i didn't really need to, I was just trying to waste time. So I figured, what better way to spend 10 minutes than feeding the 9 inch snake?  Jerking off in the traffic school bathroom to pass the time, now that's lowbrow.   
  When the day comes that I can't smoke, drink and otherwise kill myself, I don't want to live.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day when we were teenagers my best friend Tony's big brother, Robbie, who was a total bastard, drove into the driveway in his piece of shit Dodge Dart, complaining to his mom that it was making a terrible noise.  My friend's mom knew that Tony and I were pretty good backyard mechanics, and made us to go out to see if we could fix it.  It was immediately clear that the car was out of oil and overheating badly, so instead of cooling it off and oiling it up on it we fired it up and drove it down to the back lot, where we commenced to spin brodies at full throttle, until there was this enormous BANG followed by an incredible hammering noise.  We shut it down, and popped the hood, and to our great amusement, one of the pistons had blown through the side of the block, and was hanging by its connecting rod, still connected.  So we fired it up again (amazingly it would still start) and commenced to limp back to Tony's house, the piston thrashing around under the hood like a sledgehammer. Halfway there the engine caught fire, and we jumped out and watched it burn for awhile until it went out, laughing until tears ran from our eyes.  After the fire burned itself out, we walked back to Troy's house and told his mother that we just didn't know what was wrong with the junker, and that we were pissed that it had died and made us walk a quarter mile back home.   
  Riding the bus to classes one morning, I looked over at the frozen lake to see that some one had written 'Lance (hearts) Janet' in the fresh snow.  About four feet away, and three times as big, the word 'PENIS' spoiled the romantic mood of the morning.    
  I was late volunteering at the local Boys and Girls Club for wholesome community service hours because I was smoking a bowl of killer nuggz behind a huge hill near an apartment complex.  I love being a positive role model in today's society.  
  Awake... what the hell is that sound???  it's the phone...  "So, you gonna call it in?" she asks in a voice much more awake than mine.  "It's 7am... you have school, but I'm in bed"  "please..."  in the voice of a beautiful girl that you cannot refuse, even if she's not staring at you with her huge brown eyes...  "In other news, a high school was let out early today because of a bomb threat just as classes started"  the TV news reported that evening.  
  My moment? Which of many?? The latest was redoing our bedroom, taking down all the curtains, and discovering that the only way for me to retrieve clothing after my shower the next morning was to walk in there, stark naked, and grab stuff while all the joggers on the street outside were gawking. :)    
  one time at the mall I was looking at some baby clothes at one of those kiosks that stand in the middle of nowhere and I started chatting with the lady that worked there.    We were talking about how pretty the clothes were and I politely asked her,   "when are you due?"  she paused, looked at me angrily, and said:  "i'm not pregnant."   i never went back to that mall.  
  As I walked past our local grocery store one night, I saw a woman run to a large SUV that stopped at a red light of a four-way intersection. She tried opening the door several times before the man reached across the inside and manually unlocked the door for her. She got in and they drove off. "That sucks that her husband's power locks are broken," I thought to myself.  Then I thought to myself again, "That dress seems a bit too tight to wear for grocery shopping." At that moment, a 14 year old local West Philadelphia girl walked past me and said to her younger siblings, "Ew! That lady's a prostitute!"  Standing there in front of that grocery store, it occured to me that in spite of going to college for 3 years in the big city, I'll still always be from the suburbs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From now on, everyone should use the word "cunt" as an adjective to mean "fiercely uncool."  Example:  "He used to be my friend, but now he's really cunt."  and: "I would party but I really have to study." "Cunt, man."  I'm hoping cunt will replace the pejorative meaning of the word gay in our vernacular.  -- Jon  
  Is it just me or does there seem to be something wrong with beating off while watching videos of yourself beating off...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was wondering if there might be a market for "Extra Flatulent" food products.  Just imagine a chocolate bar or bag of chips that would keep your cheeks flapping for hours afterwards.  Suffice it to say, I love passing gas.  
  What would Jesus do you ask? He would probably kick your hypocritcal, stingy, self absorbed, preachy, miserable, greedy, kiddie porn lovin' ass!  God knows thats what I'd like to do.  
  I have a co-worker who says "dude!" at every opportunity - as an exclamation, curse, joyful outburst,  pronoun, adjective, verb, noun, anything.  Trouble is, it's catching.       
   Boiling Water 101 (aka: Arson 101)  Soon-to-be-ex stepdaughter comes to me while I'm busy working on her porch. Stepd: "What are you making for dinner?"  (I know, the above doesn't make much sense -- we have a rather weird domestic arrangement these days.)  Without waiting for an answer, she presses on: "How about Chicken Teriyaki? Please, please?" The weather is wonderful, early September. Me: "I don't want to cook indoors. How about Yakitori Chicken? Same thing, just on a stick." She: "Yessss!" Me: "I'm busy, so can you fill the little ceramic saucepan full of hickory chunks and water, bring them to the boil, then just turn it off?" She runs upstairs with enthusiasm. An hour later, my work is interrupted by a a loud beeping noise. I investigate, walking around the house and up onto the main deck. As I approach the gas grill, I start to smell delicious hickory smoke. Geez, stepd has outdone herself! She even turned the grill on and got the smoke going! I lift the lid for a peek. Eh -- the grill is cold. I walk towards the house, and the smell gets more intense. In the kitchen, the smoke alarm is shrieking, as well it might, because 3' flames are shooting up from the stove and the ceiling is starting to char. At least it's not a fat fire, so I douse it and kill the smoke alarm. Stepd is downstairs. How come she didn't hear the alarm? I knock on her door. No answer. I open it --  she's in her normal position, sitting in front of her computer with her mouth hanging open and her headphones on. She notices me standing there frowning, and gets her usual exasperated look: " What am I supposed to have done wrong THIS TIME?  I boiled the bloody hickory, didn't I?" I go back to work without a word. She's not  my  daughter...  
  Me and a buddy went to a 'greasy spoon' diner down the street for lunch. After finishing our meal the waitress walks up to bring us the check and asks: "Everything come out okay?"  Without even thinking my response was: "Don't get ahead of yourself, it's gotta digest first."  I'd never seen a waitress fall to the greasy floor laughing until that day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I made a little sticker once, it was a drawing of a screw, tilted on a 45 degree angle.  I then proceeded to place it appropriately on a bumper sticker that read `I (Heart) my German Shepherd'.  I don't know what that was, but it sure wasn't highbrow.    
  Once in a rugby match a guy elbowed my head and left a nasty gash in my scalp. My coach slapped a whole handful of vaseline on there to stop the bleeding, which seemed to make sense at the time.   We won the match, and on the way home we stopped at a convenience store to get water (for rehydration) and beer (for inebriation and redehydration).While I was waiting in the checkout line, my head wound started to spurt blood straight up in the air, kind of in a fine mist. It didn't hurt much, you should have seen the look on the clerk's face.        
  I used to eat dinner while watching the "Operation Channel".  I stopped after I saw the episode where they had the patients penis peeled like a bannana.  
  This one guy I was fucking was really really good. I mean this guy had oral, fingering and sex down to perfection, and his dick wasn't even big...but he sure used it better than most of the men I've been with. And by experience, if they are good in bed, it usually means they've been around and around...and around.  So one day (even though it's against booty calls rules) I asked him how he became so good at everything...since the good kind are SUCH a rare breed. He told me that he slept with a "lady" who was much much older than he is, and she taught him everything he knows.  So I instantly get this image of him porking a wrinkly old woman with tassles on her titties and a whip to go along with it....and wished I hadn't asked.   I don't find him appealing anymore.  Maybe the best part was not understanding how he became so good. Thanks for ruining it for me Granny fucker.  
  i then started jerking off to a blurry picture of the queen of england  
  I'm doing my monthly pube trim last night when the clippers snag the skin of my willie.  Oh fiddlysticks!  
  Some religious group with too much time and money sent me a video tape about the Life Of Jesus. I retaped porn over the center portion and put it back in the original sleeve and left it on top of the mailbox. Later I overheard two of the yard apes who play street ball in front of my house. "Man... Jesus got the bitches, huh? Big dick too." Replied the other "That's why he's the son of God, motherfucker."   
  (This isn't my moment, but the owner isn't online and I gotta share.)  See if you can make the adult magazine joke outta his story.  He's working in a bar, and this nice daresay handsome guy is with this equally nice girl, who he ignores until she goes away.  Well, the guy is really really drunk and noisy and everyone at the bar is noticing him, hey is that guy crazy and funny.  Well, the drunk handsome fellow disappears for a while, the bar guys are all like "Where'd that crazy guy go?" but then the guy returns after a substantial amount of time.    Soon the bar guys notice this really horrible smell.  "Did you fart?" and "Didjoo shit your pants?!?!" kinda smell.  Well, this crazy guy is sitting at the bar now, right?  And all of a sudden he leans in.  There's shit all over his face, clothes, arms, everywhere.  Covered in shit, right?  The local transvestite--big black thing---saunters up to the shit covered crazy man.  "How about that drink you promised?"   As black TV wanders away, the shit crazy guy is all crazy with pride and grinning.  With shit on his breath, he points to the black TV and grins to the bar guys: "Man, I just ate that girls *pussy*!!"  
  Working at the bank, I often get some very strange customers. Today was no different, except the customer stated more than i wanted to hear.  This customer of mine has came in before, and spoken of the same things, but today he just went a little too far.  First off, let me just explain what this man looks like: He's about 5'8ish, i'd say late 30's...maybe even early 40s? Hair is disheveled, peculiar glasses, which are bent off his nose, and he always has this strange expression on his face. and he always talks really fast.  Me: Good morning sir, how can I help you? Him: Heya, deposit this for me? Me: Sure. So how is everything? Him: HAH! Everything is good. You know that burned down building around the corner? Me: Yes sir, i remember. -- Sorry to cut in, but around the block from the bank, a shop had caught fire and spread into the neighboring stores, and that entire section of the shopping district had burned down. -- Him: Well, guess what! I'm gonna get a open a PLACE OF SEX. It's gonna be called the PUSSY CAT PLACE. It's going to have booths, sexy stalls, and SO MANY SEX TOYS! What do you think about that idea, HUH? Pretty fuckin GOOD, HUH? Me: .... (turning red, about to bust out laughing)...heh--uh, yes, sir...that..heh..uh...sounds nice. Him: YEAH, it'll definitely liven this fuckin place up, EH? YOU LIKE THAT IDEA, DON'T YOU? Me: Have a nice day sir. Him: Yeah, you too. Just watch...in a few months they're will be naked girls walking around ***brook, EVERYWHERE. THINK OF ALL THE HOT TEENS.  He exits the bank.  I quickly close up my teller window, run to the break room, and start BUSTING out in laughter. It was unbearable. My coworker came in and she was like "I saw that dirty bastard leaving the bank, you just had him, eh?" I couldn't even answer, her i was laughing so hard.    
  I'm not sure what it is about my Jeep, but there will be two or three pigeons in the middle of the road, and invariably, I'll hear the telltale "thud" of one of them having a blunt disagreement with my chassis. Weird, because usually, pigeons are so skittish... I've never had this happen with any other vehicle I've ever owned, but so far, I've creamed at least eight pigeons. (and it makes me laugh, everytime it happens) Just like the commercial says, I guess: "Only in a Jeep!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Driving back from a late night turn early morning of Denny's snackage, we see a passed out form shrouded in a white blanket lying comatose in the middle of the parking lot two units away from my apartment.  Upon closer inspection it looks like a raver chick who had indulged too much. We get her to mumble, to confirm liveness, and hoist her up onto the grass. Can not just leave her there, but don't want to ruin her life with cops or medics if at all possible.  We prod her and get her to move and talk slightly. We find out she lives on the third floor by herself, and we walk her upstairs. She makes it up under her own power, good sign, and we watch her get in her apartment.  Best case scenario, she wakes up with hell of a headache not remembering anything.  Worst case scenario, the evening news reports a dead raver chick found in her apartment after neighbors notice stench.  Gosh I hope that doesn't happen.  
  I remember seeing Europe what a friend and I dubbed hobo porn. Imagine the hairiest, stickiest girls you've ever seen, then imagine them naked and having sex with each other. The stuff was so nasty. Hobo porn just leapt into our mouths as it's title.  I had a image of my mind of a small, nondescript building with a truck pulling up to it. Several hobo's get out of the back and walk in the front door where they are stripped and sent into the next room. There, an uninterested man with a garden hose makes sure they are hosed down before they enter the final room, where they are videotaped fucking.  Big sign on the front of the building that says "Hobo Porn Inc."  Everytime I think of that building I laugh until I cry.  
   I woke up this morning with the word "stoli" written backwards on my cheek.  And there was a text message about bed sheets on my cell phone.  
  Not lowbrow, but trying to be helpful:  If you have a "misshapen" penis, i.e. it's very curved (banana or questionmark) as a couple of you guys have posted:  Go see a doctor - it can be remedied with a relatively simple procedure, and it doesn't cost a fortune.  Go see the doctor today!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Marry Me, LMAO  She mailed me about Thai soup recipes. Here's her response when I sent her some:  Good God, man, marry me LMAO  My response: Interesting. I'm being propositioned with an unknown acronym. LMAO ... let me see ... " Marry me, and Lay Me At the Oltar? " No -- EVERY woman knows how to spell altar. " Marry me, Lick Me And Others? " No -- most women are more possessive than that. (I'm spending so much time on this that you already know I'm going to post it.) " Marry me,  and Lobotomize My Ass O? " Doubt it. Also, not quite my cup of tea. I got it! " Marry me, and Leave Me AlOne! " No thanks. Been there, done that, twice... She:  Be sure, when you post, to add that i peed myself laughing at your replies. "Marry me, Leave Money Around, Ok?"   Oh no -- not another one with poor bladder control...  
  My friend dated my sister for two months. They broke up violently. I called him last night on his cell. He was in a cab with his drunk ex-girlfriend. She puked on his shoes.     He deserved it.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i think that sandal companies are trying to take over the world. they have brainwashed almost every kid in our school to wear sandals. only a few of us holdouts still remember what shoes are.  
  she slept sandwiched, he and I on either side. I caressed her shaved warm wetness while she slept and deftly slid inside.  She moaned and rolled towards me, realizing it was the wrong guy. It was fine with her, except for my Italy-bound girlfriend. He slept on.  
  The innocent, "good people" are the ones who always get blamed, no matter what the situation. Trying to change my innocence into evil. Get less hassle that way.  Take that, you lowlife, ignorant, stupid, immoral, unethical person. Oh, and wait for my lawyer's call.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          WTFWJD?  
  I was swimming in the local lake yesterday with some friends of mine.  It was a nice day, so needless to say we were having a few beers.  A little while goes by, and a cop boat (I shit you not) pulls up next to us.  The cop informs us that drinking on the shore is illegal.  Luckily we had stowed the empties.  Of course, it's perfectly legal to drink in a boat ON the lake.  What the fuck is that about?  
  He was the perfect boyfriend. He was deep, he was caring. He loved to snuggle. And he was cute as hell. He asked me to move to Alabama with him. Up until that moment, I was sure I'd do anything for him.         
  When I was a kid there was this girl who was rather unattractive.  We all picked on this girl and ostracized her all the way from grade school through high school.  I was surprised to see her show up at the class reunions, walked right in like she is better than any of us.  Know what?  She is right.  
  my uncle comes up behind me and holds me in a half-nelson.  asks me what it is called.  I tell him its a half-nelson  He puts me in a full-nelson and asks me what it is called  I tell hims its a full-nelson  Then he start massaging me and asks what it called  confused, i say i dont know  "this is father nelson"  
  Years ago in my late teens, I awoke one morning with a hangover. Bleary-eyed, I went to the bathroom for release and replenishment of fluids and to brush my teeth. The first two chores were accomplished without incident and it wasn't until I was well into brushing that I began to notice that the inside of my mouth drying out and that all was not well.   I had passed over the toothpaste and had squeezed Clearasil onto my toothbrush.   
  I had rented an apartment in  nicely restored Victorian building and was proud of my new home. One day when I came home from work,I met my new neighbor. He was lounging on the back of his rusted Dodge, drinking a beer. The bumper sticker said "We love attack dogs" and rebel flags decorated the rear window. He looked up at me and said "hi, my name is charlie, but my friends call me Thumper."  He actually turned out to be a decent guy.  
  reading about 'stillbonging's' seven foot bong makes me feel a bit embarrased about my bong made of a poland spring bottle.  eh, gets the job done.  
  When telemarketers called, I used to actually try to talk sense with them. Along the lines of "I don't want what you are pushing on me". Generally this doesn't work. They basically start arguing with you.   Now, I've got a really surefire way to deal with such calls. I start talking to them, maybe even answer a couple of the unimportant questions, then I simply slowly and peacefully hang up, as I am still talking to them. It has this very surreal detached feeling to it. Very theraputic. Everyone should try this. They don't call back.  
  The worse the job, the better the anecdotes.  And the eavesdropping is always better in the restaurant's smoking section.        
  It's early-evening, it's dark, and misting rain. The road is wet and very very slick.  The Scrotum (yes girls, it's probably a dude) driving behind me in the S.U.V. is only about 1 meter from my rear bumper, headlights and foglights blazing.  I have just about reached my limit of where I am comfortably surfing the probablility envelope. So I depress the custom-installed secret yellow button on my dashboard, adjacent to the hazard lights.  Out of a hatch on the back trunk rises a large yet aerodynamic-looking satellite type dish. A green light blinks on the dish to capture the offending driver's attention.  Then, my car slows with a brief power-drain and then  "FWAAA-SCHOOOMPPPF", a 16,000 watt strobe lite ignites, fusing all of the offending driver's rods and cones together, melting his eyeballs to back of his brain.  I peer into the rear-view mirror and I see his vehicle careen off the road, and descend into the woods. That'll teach the fucker to tailgate....    
    I TOLD MY FRIEND THAT SHE SHOULD NOT COME ALONG. SHE INSISTED THAT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT A BATH HOUSE WAS AND "THAT SORTA THING WASNT AROUND IN 1999". SHE WAS VERY SAD TO HAVE PAID 25 BUCKS TO TAG ALONG WITH HER GAY FRIENDS JUST TO FIND OUT SHE WAS VERY WRONG  -IT JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW DEDICATED FAG HAGS ARE     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I discovered firsthand that the Amish have no restriction on flipping you off if you openly take a photo of their cute little buggy.  It made my day.   
  I work for a large, global company. A company with a good reputation. The company, along with others, is having a very bad time.  Last night I fell asleep with thoughts of Enron in my head and wondered if I should get out now.  
   How To Bring Anyone Down To Size   Someone long ago told me that if I am ever feeling intimidated by someone, male or female, just remember and try to visualize the fact that everyone has, on average:   Six Pounds Of Shit Inside Them   Years later, it still works every time.  
  Yes, of course, I want to find Jesus: I want to find Jesus and beat him with a fucking two-by-four with nails stuck through the end.  
  I can fake the operator's voice pretty good, so I recorded the standard "the number you have reached is not in service" message on my voicemail. I just didn't want to have to be social today.  So when my neighbor called all teary and upset because her grandmother died, I waited until the midafternoon reruns of "Matlock", "Magnum P.I." and "Law and Order" were over before I called her back.  Some days you just don't need other people's shitty dramas.   
  I waxed my pubes because the immortal "they" say it makes your cock look bigger, and I could use all the help I can get.  I learned two things that day:  1) "They" are either sadistic liars or have a sense of humor  2) A small dick when shaved doesn't look bigger; it just makes it look like you haven't gone through puberty yet.   My skin is really soft and smooth, tho....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was having sex on a pretty regular basic with this guy...we'll call him B.  B was a really good fuck...was always ready to come over with one phone call.  B kept telling me how great my blow jobs were.  Then I get out of no where from B's friend...we'll call him J, saying B said I could hook him up with some excellent head. Booty call gone bad?  Uh yea, I'd say so.  The worst part?  I did hook J up.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Does it bother anyone else knowing that the most dangerous animals on Earth are the ones sitting next to us at school, the work place, on the bus, or anywhere else?  Does it bother anyone else knowing that we intentionally try to get closer to the most dangerous animals on Earth so we feel better about ourselves, knowing damn well their ability to tear our lives apart?  
  c'mon all you guys out there, admit it. You pee in the shower.        
  I have just completed my first week of work in my first real job. Immediately upon entering the door, I poured myself a Cap'n and Coke, and came onto Lowbrow. I'm listening to "Out of the Blue" by Debbie Gibson on full volume.   Maybe I'll be drunk by the time I have to go to my grandma's tonight!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever noticed that a urinal cake would fit perfectly on a hamburger bun?  Frightening.  
  "What do you want?" the bartender asks me.  "The strongest drink you have. I woke up this morning and realized my life is a gay Canadian soap opera." His eyes widen, and he mixes me some whiskey. I look at Rob and grin wanely. The whole world might think we're insane, but Rob Jones is a pregnant lesbian, I'm a promiscupus gay man, and we both know it. ~puck~  
  Back in '96, when I first started this internet thing, I was an AOLamer and a frequenter of chat rooms.  Once I posed as a psychic and this lady "Q'ed" me and began asking me about this or that and then about her boyfriend, etc.  I told her that he was cheating on her and that he'd gotten her sister pregnant.    The same night, real late, about three hours later on, she Q'ed me again to thank her because she'd gotten up the courage to confront her sister and boyfriend.  It was all true, and they wanted to know who she found out.  Sometimes I wonder about psychic stuff and the like.  Now I have the feeling that we might just very well have input now and then when we focus on a particular thing.  I remember just going off the top of my head, and not "concentrating" or anything like that at all.  Just telling what popped into my head.    
  When I was a customer service engineer (read: bag boy) at a local grocery store, I was responsible for helping mop the floors on Friday nights.  Friday night--the night every teenager dreams of--and I'm pushing some rankass mildewed-smelling  mop bucket around the store with a grey-headed mop.  To top it off, the manager would let customers in even after the store was closed and the majority of the lights were off, and the rat bastards would push their carts directly through every section I had mopped, forcing me to go back over it and mop again.  And they inevitably had the gall to smirk and to say, "I'll bet you hate to see me coming, don't you?"     
     When i was younger my dad would lean over to me at the dinner table and whisper "remember Chrys, W.I.O., W.I." when he drank to much... this would envoke and icy glare from my mother, who could have found the humour (that complete escaped me at that age) in the situation if she didn't stop drinking due to a stomach ulsor.    I found out years later that this was his pathetic attempt at teaching me "the birds and the bees" for this clever contraceptive acronym stands for......   ........... Whip it out and wipe it!              
   It wasn't until after the crusty smoke on the windows began to glow that he realized he didn't know where he was.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  One Fourth of July here in the states, a couple of friends and I decide to make our own fireworks. We take apart half of our fireworks (we each owned about $100 worth) and pour them into paper cups. We all decide that we want to make fountains (this was all before our destructive stage). But not just any fountains, no no...  we want fountains that spray sparklies 20 feet high.  So off we go to my friend's dad's workshop, cut a copper pipe into thirds, and clamp off one end of each. We each take the powder from the paper cups and pour them into the copper tubes. Through our extensive knowledge of physics (at age 15) we agree that clamping off the other end of the tube and leaving just enough space to drop in a fuse will send the sparks flying.  The big moment came. Time to see how high these things will spray!  The final result:  3 temporarily deaf fifteen yr old physicists lying on thier backs, 2 terrified parents, and 1 three foot hole in the ground...  
  My ex told me, "If she smokes, she fucks. Only one reason to date a smoker." He'd evidently forgotten that I used to smoke, and he used to fuck me.        
  There's a guy on my TV who lived after half his brain and skull was removed so the side of his head was concave. Everyone says he is a miracle.  I'm thinking he has a great place to keep the cheese dip at the Welcome Home from the Hospital Party  
  Shitty suite-mate at college walks into my room.  Says, "Do you still have that paper?" I say, "Don't think so, I probably threw it out." He reaches his hand into the trash, and finds it. Yeah, that's right. Touch my cum napkins, fucker.  
  quote so i just stood there  stunned  in my best dog show pose and waited to take it up the ass endquote equals a bad day at the office        
  an original song by my best friend:  Me and my baby go ride in my car  We kiss and we hug and we have a good time.  (we fuck in the back)  I have her home by ten cuz her mom's a bitch.     
  She asked me to get her shoe, which had fallen over the fence. It seemed easy enough, given the only obsticle in my way was the fact that I was piss drunk. Never the less I hopped up on top of the spikes of the fence. To my suprise I felt no pain. As I lifted my other leg, to leap over the other side, I felt a cold cylindrical object against my rear end. The fence had pierced my jeans, as well as my underware, and in turn violated me.   Beware of the fence.   
  I have gotten completly out of control...I have had sex with 4 coworkers....in the last month.... one works in Facilities and has keys to every office in the building....We have done it all over the building. A few people have caught on to our secret,so now I get secret little smiles and winks from guys in Tech support.  the lowbrow part is, (what could be more lowbrow?)   Our company Holiday party is coming up and my HUSBAND really wants to go.... to meet my friends from work.... Yeah, that ought to be interesting....    
  I had two bowls of candy by the door this Halloween. One was fresh Snickers bars. The other was a bag of mixed sweets I found in the back of the cupboard from three Halloweens ago, that were crumbly and the paper peeling off each piece.  Be cute and polite and the right age at the door, get the Snickers... be a teenaged brat who has no right to be trick or treating, get the crap.  Except for the young hottie dressed like a Chippendale's dancer. I traded him Snickers bar after Snickers bar, long as he would gyrate.   
  "Hey, what's your number one memory of middle school?" he asks Jim.  "Boredom."  "And you?" he asks me.  "Blue balls."    
  I know I should quit smoking. But I keep thinking about that three-week period when after I quit smoking the first time (c.1996) my lungs expelled an ungodly amount of phlegm. If it's at all possible to know what it feels like to have TB, that was it. Honestly, I felt like I was going to die. From this vantage point smoking look like the better option.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Did you know that Pokemon actually stands for "Pocket Monster"?  i thought it just stood for "really obnoxious video game that the bratty kids i babysit for are obsessed with".         
  "Ever end up getting to work about 10 minutes late because you absolutly had to stop and masturbate?   It's happening too often for me, for some reason. I really need to schedule this stuff."  ........................................  There's a word for this.  It's 'procrasturbation.'  I think it should be incorporated into modern vocabulary.   
  I have a particular sore spot regarding parking behaviour.  I hate people who stalk me to get my parking space. I hate people who honk at me to hurry up and vacate a space. I hate those morons who park astride two spots because they think their car is special. And I particularly hate those stupid spots "reserved" for mommies. No one told you to breed, take your parking chances like the rest of us. I carry a basket in my back seat with gardening equipment in it, a dainty wicker container with a small hand trowel and a tiny clawed hoe.  I've never gardened in my life, but they are the handiest things imaginable for scratching out my frustrations on fools who fuck with me in the parking lot.  If it ever becomes legal to carry a gun in the car, I am so in trouble.  
  I track my girlfriend's period on my Palm Pilot  
  Ok, so I work at starbucks.  I'll admit it.  But you know what I love? Watching people come into starbucks searching for meaning.  It never gets old.  And they keep on coming.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As i go into a bar and take a seat next to this hot chick in a short dress. I gives her a quick once over then look to my watch. She notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No, " I reply, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued she asks, "State-of-the-art? What does it do?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," I explain. "What is it telling you now?" she asks. "Well it sais you aren't wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I just happen to be wearing panties!" With a slight smile I reply, "Damn -- this thing must be an hour fast!"   
  Trying to be all tough by standing out in the cold, not shivering, not complaining.  Kinda hard to act tough when the next day your ears are all black due to frostbite.   
  Wise man once say..... Man who stand on tolet high on pot!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why is Scrappy Doo so hated?   I watch Scooby Doo.  I like Scooby.  I like Velma.  I like Fred.  I like Daphne. I like Shaggy.     I hate Scrappy.  I don't know why.  For some reason, I saw the episode where he first came out, and I hated him on sight.    
  After giving my boyfriend another stellar blowjob, he professed he owed me something...so I told him he could fold my laundry.   There's something very not right about that...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The best boogers are the ones that, when you bite them, make you're teeth stick together for a second. Yum!!  
  My parent's friends laugh their asses off about how back in the day if they were caught driving drunk, the cops would just make them pour out the rest of their booze and then let them go.  In some countries first offense drunk driving is punishable by the death penalty.  
  11pm.  i'm alone, out back of the house for my daily smoke, as has been the ritual since i moved back in with the parents and they laid out a "zero tolerance" policy for that sort of thing  smoking once daily represents a very sharp decrease in frequency for me  (which is good, i suppose, if for no other reason than the decreased tolerance)  and last week i get one of those incredible cerebral buzzes-   answers to all of the questions i've had about life, relationships, my career come flooding into my head  i'm on a roll, this has lasted for several minutes and it almost feels like enlightenment  when suddenly  i realize i've been speaking every word of it aloud as if in conversation with someone who isn't there  and then  every great thought i had on The True Nature Of Things is vanished forever, replaced by a single question  this means i need meds, doesn't it  
  "Guess what?" I just about shouted, right in the middle of the office. "Cartoon Network is bringing back 'He-Man'! It starts this weekend!" One of the middle-aged women nearby said, "We need to get you a girlfriend."  
  you might as well call the aspca now so the two best friends were digging a hole that would become the greatest fort in the whole wide world they hadda finish quickly cos someone would see the excavating and that would end the secrecy of the place a irish setter runs up barking its that dopey mutt from down the street and j starts climbing out to shoo the dingbat away it bites him a couple of times once near his throat t climbs out the other side and grabbing the shovel by the spade twacks the pooch with the handle rendering it lifeless in one fell swoop damm says j he didnt bite me that hard now he tells me t says over and over and over        
  Some guys at school were telling a joke about some guy who wipes is ass from the "anal hole" (?) to is balls. They all laugh like crazy. I remember I wipe my ass in that way so I didn't make a sound and got realy serious so I think they noticed. I hate them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She rode me well and passionately.  When she came, it was powerful and grand.  Or at least, it would've been except that her bladder let go all over me and the bed.  
  Overheard this while getting into my car at a parking lot: "Hey you fuckin' faggot! Yeah, you fuckin' queer! Suck my dick!"  It, naturally, came from a huge pick up truck holding only the brightest the trailer park has to offer. No idea who he was yelling at or why, but I see a conflict of interest in that yell.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         some words are cool, cause the way they sound sorta ties into the meaning of the word itself...like "revolution", it sounds all loud, and angry, full of revolutionary potential....or "chronic", just a great word too.  but "crack".  what the hell is that?  its a super-hard drug, most addictive thing ever, or whatever, cause it makes you feel so damn good, but the name doesnt tie in to how good it makes you feel, or how damn dnagerous it is to fuck with, it ties into the sidewalk undre the feet of the dude who sold it to you.  splain me that....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         2/21/03  I made out with a spectacularly huge breasted girl once, only to be completely devastated to see,  when she removed her bra, the tiniest nipples ever.  They were smaller than my vestigial dude's nipples.  Just two tiny raised dots lost on those vast, supernaturally perky breasts.  I'm not one of these psycho nipple pumper types, but come on! everything should at least be to scale.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The first girlfriend I had in university was this real trippy chick I met at "Welcome!" mixer.   She was ok looking and I wasn't thinking of asking her out but ended up seeing her at another party we both got drunk and fucked all night.  She came something like 9 times and I about 6. We ended up going at it again the next morning a few more times.   We broke up a week later - one of those "flash-in-the-pan" relationships. I was lucky she was on the pill because we didn't use condoms (boy was I stupid then).  I saw her a week ago with her little 4 year old daughter in Santa Monica. After talking a few minutes, we part and I overhear her daughter ask, "who was that Mommy?" She replied, "an old friend your Mommy thinks about sometimes".  Now I know what Squeeze was thinking about when they did "Tempted".  Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Whenever a bum asks me for money, I always make them "earn" it. They usually tell a bad joke, sing a song, something like that. Then I give them a dollar or two.   Today a bum did a scene from "Macbeth" for me.  I gave him $30.00.  
  I never was popular in Junior High and I am not to this day.  My way of responding to the threats, the abuse, insults and regimentation of school in the 60 s was somewhat different than the way I have heard of young people dealing with these problems today.  I didn t want to go to school on Monday morning at White Oak School, so I called my friend Lee R. on Sunday afternoon and we rode our bikes down to Alec Discount store and bought a tube of  Liquid Solder  for about $1.99.  We then rode over to the school and squeezed it into every single outside door lock in the school.  By the next morning it had dried, and guess what?  NO SCHOOL ON MONDAY until the district appointed screwheads could hire enough loons to route out all those door locks. Thank God for self-imposed holidays.      
  After she came, I told her she tasted really minty.  "I brush twice a day", she cooed.  I chuckled.  Then she gave me the toothbrush.  My taste buds confirmed it, this was no joke.   I still use it from time to time.    But, on my teeth.  
  OK, so I was bored with mindless talk radio one afternoon, and, being self employed, I indulged myself in a little 'Gilligan's Island'.  It was a great episode...one of the black & white ones and, inexplicably, one I'd never seen before.  It was a pure example of the class struggle, and I suppose it was more funny than painfully true at the time it first aired   the opposite seems true today, after the 80's, 90's, recessions and the rise of the global corporate power structure.  Gilligan was caddying for Mr. Howell (who just happend to have brought his whole set of fucking Pings on a 3 hour tour) when Gilligan nearly breaks hiss neck falling into a hole that just happens to be a gold mine (yeah, right, in the tropics). Mr Howell proceeds to convince Gilligan to keep silent about it, AND help to secretly dig it up at night so he (Gilligan) and the other castaways won't be corrupted by 'Gold Fever'. Gilligan, the innocent worker happily goes along with it...Howell even puts his own wife to work in the damn hole.  Anyway...zaniness occurs and they blow yet another chance to escape the island.  We all laugh at that funny old millionaire, Howell.  Watching it today though...Mr. Howell needs a bullet in the back of his head.  
  I was at a bar taking a piss the other night.    That shania twain song came on, I feel like a woman, or whatever.  the guy in the next stall hears it, says "that's my song, I gotto go" and quickly zips up and runs out. I didn't see him anywhere when I got out of the bathroom.  
  I hated flying, which is why I was on the Greyhound bus to Florida.  She sat next to me.  A big woman with stringy black hair.  A real "motorcycle momma" if you know what I mean.  She said: "The whole thing was an accident.  I was only trying to clean out the cash register.  I wasn't planning on shooting anyone.  That cop shoulda never been there."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Worst foot in mouth experience ever:  I sliced my finger open on a meat slicer at my last job.  Hurt like hell, but thats not really the point.  A week later, another worker sliced her finger open, but nowhere near as bad as mine.  Later the following week, I was standing at the register doing my job.  Right next to me, my boss was talking to one of the managers, and I, only half listening, overheard him say to the manager, "...she was in a lot of pain..."  To which I butted in, "Oh she was just being a baby about it."  I of course had assumed he was talking about the girl who cut herself on the slicer.  He wasn't.  He was talking about his wife.  Who has lupus.  
  The telemarketers telephone headset. Modern mans solution to a leash for humans.   
  From an article about Nancy Reagan's campaigning (directly against Dubya's wishes) for embryonic stem-cell research, which may hold the cure for Alzheimer's: "A Republican legislator recently told Michael Deaver, a Reagan adviser and confidant, that some conservatives contend that Ronald Reagan would never have approved of embryonic stem cell research. Mr. Deaver said he retorted, 'Ronald Reagan didn't have to take care of Ronald Reagan for the last 10 years.'"  
  I think that Jamba Juice and World Wraps are just opportunistic infections that set in after [fucking] Starbucks weakens a neighborhoods' immune system.  
  In college, I was very lonely throughout the five years I attended.  I had plenty of friends, but very few sexual encounters.  One night, I ended up at a local dive and had a few dozen pitchers with some buddies.  There happened to be this fat girl there that I knew from some classes.  Now, she was a nice girl and I was lonely.  Long story short, she's sucking my cock at the end of the evening.  Unfortunately, she's in love with me.  All I want is head.  So, she's my booty call for the next couple of months and then I graduate and move far away.  Fast forward to 2 years later, in the big city, still very lonely, one crazy big city girlfriend later, I decide to make the booty call...  "Hey, I'll be in town over Labor Day, can we see each other?" "Sure!"  A few days later she's sucking my cock in the back of my mother's minivan in an empty parking lot.  A few weeks later, she comes to my big city and stays with me and sucks my cock again.  Then, my fucking conscience and fear gets a hold of me and I tell her that nothing is going to come of this.  She accepts this, reluctantly.  A month after that, we have phone sex and I never speak to her again.  Now, I do feel like a heel because of this.  But, I feel like a bigger heel because she would have done ANYTHING I ASKED and all I did was get head.  I mean, the head was great, but I could have had this girl acting out porn movies for me.   I am a terrible shit.  
  I remember, once not too long ago, I was sitting on the toilet and realized, suddenly, and to my dissappointment that while I was urinating, I was wetting my ballsack. That was no fun.  Thank you.  
  My Trip To Oregon To Visit Family A Haiku  Cat with six toes  Grandpa went crazy  Aunt Sue smells like period  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         writing on sorrys computer in that form he loves so i sent him a list of the things hes written here and it freaked him into silence quite hermitudesque i mock him maybe oneday he ll be provoked into his raging blahblahblah as he calls it ive spent hours clicking to see his tales of fatboy and hear the sweet philosoph of drunks my native tongue sorry not        
           day at a toy store lady- "where is your barbie section?" me- "there is some blood on your leg." lady- "where...where did you say it was?" me- "ah...there is blood on your leg." lady- "leg...what...where is you doll   section?" me- "there is blood coming down your leg and a pool of it at your feet." lady-"can you get someone that can help me?" me-"over there in the corner." SHE WALKS AWAY...2MIN LATER lady-"do you have a bathroom my leg is bleeding."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I am a mam.  Truly, for the first time, I can take credit for making the bathroom reek like the bowels of hell.  I stand proud...and empty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one i was downloading some porn and i was already to go when to my horror the porn turned out to be a picture of jesus and the word  "you dont have to do this" written across the bottom  it took me a while to get the courage to download porn from a file sharing program again  about 15 mins  
  He cut one last night so virulent that the cat left the room. And this from an animal that licks it's own ass for obvious enjoyment.  
  I used to make fun of my bachelor cousin.   While cooking spagetti, just so he wouldn't dirty another pot, he would sit the jar of sauce next to the burner and rotate it until the sauce was heated.  After my divorce I began to rotate my jar and marveled in the ingenuity and genius of my bachelor cousin.  Oh well, at least I had a girl... once.  You should see what I can do with ketchup and a microwave.        
  I was reading a post here that read "If water were beans I would be 70% beans." But beans have water, so there would be beans IN THE FUCKING BEANS! A never ending cycle of ever smaller beans would result!  Logic, my drug of choice.  
  another brower said   "Turns out this woman had been on the crack needle for three years and fucked a different guy every night. I fucked a Goddamn crackwhore."  i gotta call shenanigans on that one.  what the hell is a "crack needle?"  
  I wrote my first screenplay.  It was an autobiographical piece about a hero's journey to grow spritually at a difficult time in his life.  The first agent I sent it to said that it had no story and the hero was a loser who nobody cares about.  After that I wrote a screenplay with lots of gratuitous sex and violence.  The main character spends much of his time slicing up Generation X'ers with a sharp garden tool and shooting junk yards rats with a high powered rifle.  Everyone loves it.   Enlightenment is fine, but first you have to pay the rent.  Now, who's the loser?      
  could be worse says she could be out there without anyone as she points toward the rainforrest i thought that if i run right now i could get far enough away so that they wouldnt find me but eating and being eaten by bugs at the time seemed to be a less attractive option         
  I think it was a bird of some kind or maybe a kite, not a UFO like Bob claims.  How can anyone take him seriously, anyway?  Last week he was trying to convince everyone at the office who would listen that there was statistical evidence that people who regularly use paperclips instead of staples have better chances of promotion into middle management.       
  ok, so i'm at camp, yes, i still go to camp, and anyway we are canoeing down the allagash river in maine.  there are five canoes and eleven people in our group, and we see this other group of guys, total hicks, each weighing in at about 250-300 pounds.  this one guy starts talking to us about this dream canoe with an engine, and a special bar that floats on the back.  his son is in the front of his canoe and he turns to us and says; "don't mind my dad, he's hammered." so fucking casual, just like that.  later we decided to race the drunks and they fucking beat us!  i'm with this built up sixteen year old kid, and a bunch of drunken hick beat us.  
  7 am.  Annoying yuppies outside my window.  Mindless chatter. Result.  A projectile egg from my third floor balcony. It splats right next to them. I duck back inside and peek out the blinds. "What was that?" Whined one of the women.  "That was an EGG!" They stood there complaining for a while.  As they left, the guy had the saddest face in the world.  I was too lazy to go back to the fridge.  Now I keep some by the balcony for easy access.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The best jokes to do in a party  (Joke no.1)  One of the best joke to do in a party it's when 2 guys are drunk passed out...  get them naked... you put one guy near the other one... knock in the butt each of them ... put some vasoline in there butt hole... leave open a condom near them and then leave the room...  Now. Next morning, see if they would say something about what append last night!!!     
  Sometimes moments that i know have been posted here for a long time, but that i never think twice about suddenly strike me as profound due to current events in the world. Like the one about the homeless woman in the WTC (long before 9/11) with the line "you're all dead" or something like that. Or the one i just got again today about how many windows there are and how many psychos with guns and how many times do you think there have been crosshairs on you?   In light of the whole sniper thing in the DC area, that's pretty fucking creepy, dontchathink?  
  So my girlfriend and I are down at the campsite. After a few drinks and some sexy talking around the fire, we are off to bed to take care of things.  So here we are in the bed of the camper going at it like mad. She's on top, riding me good while rubbing her tits and clit. We are just about to cum together, when I look over to my right. There is the dog, a 90 pound lab, sitting, and staring at us. Talk about a moment killer. I hate when the dog watches.  
  "Lowbrow?"  "You mean like getting head from a stoned radical feminist, and taking pictures?"  Yes.  That's lowbrow.  
  Ladies, let me just give you a tip:  If you think that a good tactic to get that unwanted guy who is giving you that extra attention away from you is telling him that you are a lesbian, you are sadly mistaken.  I know, I've tried it. First they get that glint in their eye. That little sparkle that comes from fantasies spiraling in their little pea of a brain.  Then comes the knowing, creepy smile.  They move even closer to you, and say something along the lines of 'Oh really, I'd like to watch YOU in action'   or something else insinuating a threesome.  Perhaps trying to scream out 'I AM A CARPET MUNCHING DYKE' or ' I HATE DICK'  is a better approach, although I highly doubt it.  Unless you get one of those guys who is scared of high-strung women.   On second thought, I'd enjoy doing that to one of them, perhaps following up with some obcene gestures and tongue movements.   Just for fun.    
  I was walking through the fish market with my girlfriend, trying to find some nice, fresh swordfish steaks and just had to make the 'gee this smell is familiar' joke. Well she said angrily, 'yeah your ass!' and picked up the nearest fish, a yellow fin tuna, by the tail and whacked me across the face. She then laughed and said, "my god I have always wanted to do that! and laughed some more, Then this guy ran up all angry and shit and made her pay for 'damaging the fish' on the spot: 65 fucking dollars and we ended up giving the thing to our cat, which was half the fishes size and it never touched it so it got a bit stinky after two days sitting outside so I threw it across to the neighbours dalmation which promplty rolled in it, squashing foul fish all over itself then due to karma or whatever a few hours later my girlfriend all nicely dressed for her lunch date with a new friend was jumped on by the dog as soon as she stepped out of the house and had to go change and yelled at me to spray the dog down which I did not because our neighbour sucks and that was my fish infested week.   
   My One-And-Only Acid Trip. Take 3  From #2:  Minutes later, they gingerly transferred me to a gurney, fairly ordered Van to get some of my things from home, and wheeled me into a ward, where I spent the next three weeks getting over a life-threatening case of viral pericarditis.   When I got better, my two favourite women friends insisted that I recuperate at their apartment. No argument from me. Tiny little jewels they were, one brunette and one blonde. Every guy in the college fantasized about having both of them in bed with him. I didn't -- I just fantasized about one of them (Hi, Jackie Wilson! Sigh...). They picked me up, wearing their ubiquitous miniskirts (to lots of loudly-expressed jealousy from my ward-buddies) took me to their home, made me comfortable, and snuggled in, one on each side. Recuperation might take longer than they figured... But the panic came back, and I needed to get back to hospital, because I was dying RIGHT NOW! I'd known Mary for years, so she called the cab and offered to go with me. Nothing mattered except getting to the hospital, except... Me: "Eh, d'you think Jackie would go with me instead?" (That's the end of the LowBrow moment, but to complete the story: When I got to hospital, they looked me over, gave me a clean bill of health, but as I was obviously scared and agitated, also gave me some little yellow pills to calm me down. Maybe sometime I'll write about my next five years on Valium...)  
  The janitor didn't know I was watching him. He suddenly threw his Walkman headphones off of his head and yelled, "FUCK YOU LIONEL RICHIE!". He really seemed to be disturbed. Was it that one of Lionel Richie's songs reminded him of love lost, or did he just fucking hate Lionel Richie like the rest of us? It was one of the most mysterious, as well as one of the funniest damn things I had seen in a while.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "ew, now i'm all greasy" she said after i had drawn on the back of her neck with chapstick. "hah, that would have been better with pen." said my boyfriend, "too bad you're a sound sleeper, the potential for mischeif is tempting." he gives me a knowing look. suddenly, our other friend to the right busts out laughing, gives my man a high five and continues in his convulsions of mirth. everyone is confused until i explain, "austin! stuart meant so he draw things on me in pen, not fuck me up the ass!" ah well, i may not be fluent in any language, but i can translate pervert fairly well.  
  Me: "So, did you ever see 'American Beauty'?"  She: "Yes!"  Me: "You look just like the lead, Mena Suvari" (Not even an exaggeration)  She smiles shyly, continues checking through my groceries.  She: "That sounds like a compliment. Thank you!"  Me: "The only other thing it could sound like would be a come-on, in which case your dad would kill me."  She smiles, less shyly: "My dad lives in California."  I gulp. It's not often somebody outflirts my old ass.  I take my groceries and leave, shitting rose petals all over the parking lot.  
  Here's my proof that Canadians are crazy motherfuckers.  I briefly had a Canadian roommate years ago. One day I came home from work to hear the following series of noises as I walked in the door.  zzzzzzzzzzzt!    AAH!  Followed by the sound of a piece of silverware hitting the kitchen floor.  I paused for a second to make sure it was actually coming from the kitchen and not the TV in the livingroom.  I moved quickly into the kitchen to find said Canadian roommate with one of the lightswitches half way out of the wall, using a butterknife as a screwdriver to unhook the power wires from the side of the switch casing - AND - she hadn't turned off the power to the house at the circuit breaker.  She actually got mad at me when I insisted she stop before she killed herself. Maybe it was the fact that I made her let me piss into her mouth for a week as payment for saving her silly ass. Fucking Canadians.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yeah, I say "Ya'll."  And no, I don't think it sounds unsophisticated.  As a matter of fact, I think it adds a level of distinction to the number of the noun you.  Did ya'll know that everyone gets confused when say "you" and actually mean a bunch of you's?  Damn morons.  
  One time when I was hoisting myself into the ghettobus known as the family  van, some punk guy sitting in the car parked beside it asked if I "wanted a hand up" and stared right at my ass. Yeah, real smooth.  So I laughed.   And dinged his piece of shit car with the van door. My mother drove from that shitty gas station like a woman running from the law.   We are women, hear us dent your car, call you an asshole, and drive away laughing! Ahahaha!  
   Land Of The Free II   (This is doubtless familiar territory to some 'Browers, but it is all new and very disturbing to me.)  When the second cop arrives, he hauls out his own breathalyzer kit.  Me: "Where's your 'reasonable cause' here?" That gets them pissed. They've already called in my plates, so now they call in my name and Social Security #.  Cop2: "Hey, we're letting you off easy -- just blow into this thing, and if it shows up clear, you're off the hook." I don't quite see why I'm   on  the hook, but I grudgingly comply.  The second test is also negative, so they write me up for the brake light and tell me to walk home.   I've gone about ten steps when the sirens go on. My name has come back with an arrest warrant for fraud attached!  It's all fun and games until the handcuffs come out...  
  Women (and small men) who drive large SUVs, and strain their necks to see over the dashboard, just to barely see the front of the hood.  And they think they are safer because they are in a large vehicle.  I take it upon myself to teach them a lesson.  
   My girlfriend and I broke up after dating for about three years.  After a strenious time period during the breakup, when things are starting to get back together with her, I make her a drawing. (btw I was a senior in college at the time)    The drawing had a picture of a fish and a bunch of sea-type stamps that her roommate helped me with.  The only words on the paper said, "You're the only fish I wanna sea."  Four years and going strong, now if I could only have my balls back please?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've always prided myself on having a very non-addictive personality.  I've successfully been a social smoker for 5 years, chain smoking JPS's for weeks, then going without for a month, and not having a single craving.  Last week was our 3rd without pot, but a friend of mine had a bag of giant sticks from a pot plant.  not the twigs you find in buds, but big-ass, quarter inch thick sticks.  We theorized that the skin (bark really), still contained THC, so we set up an elaborate factory line that involved whittling the skin off, chopping it fine, and rolling it.  After three hours of work, the smoke tasted like a bonfire, and the only high I could detect was a slightly retarded feeling.  THen I realized that the feeling wasn't from the smoke.  It was one of the saddest moments of my life.  
  Me and my friend Emily used to play "house" when we were 4 or 5. She had a fake cooker, fake vacuum cleaner, a crib for a baby and a potty. I hit on the idea of taking it in turns to poop in the potty, so we put toilet paper in the bottom of it and tried to poop. I passed a little nugget just as her Mum came into the room. She wasnt too pleased, told us off and then bundled the paper up and took it out of the room - leaving us with the empty potty. Emily told me, 13 years later, that I just stared at the potty and said "Your Mum carried the poo"  
  I take my morning meditation ritual seriously. I like to grab a cup of tea and something to read, and settle down until my legs fall asleep. Then I immediatly take a shower so that I  never  have to bother with toilet paper. But this morning I'm in an intestine-dictated rush, so I only wait until the water boils, pour it in my mug, grab the milk carton, and plant myself.  Aaaah. After a few minutes, I lift the teabag out by the string and go to discard it into the pan. Yeeeeeeeeeooooowwwwwww! (Is that what "teabagging" is about?)  
  You act so goddam buttery, Just like some unctuous ooze-- With your smarmy synthetic-cloth double-knit suit And your oleaginous wing-tipped shoes...   You act so oily baby, Everyone wants to see you lose-- We can't wait till the day your singing Your Fulsome Prison Blues  Ah...thank-a, thank-a verr much...     
  I was getting a pen out of my pocket when I found a long dark hair.  Could not have been mine, way too long.  Then I remembered: while I was in her cubicle, some stuff fell out of my shirt pocket onto the floor.  I had inadvertently picked up the hair then.  HER hair.  I'm keeping it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom went on a date tonite with some guy she had gone out to lunch with once or twice.  She proceeded to tell this guy about me.  She told him that I don't dress like the average kid does, with baggy jeans like Jncos, and Chuck Taylor's, etc.  Well, this guy looks at my mom and says:  "Sounds like your son is a wanna be."  "'A Wanna be' what?"  "A wanna be *black kid."   * He said something a little stronger than "black kid"  "Okay..."  What a great turn on for a first date.  Using racial slurs to decribe your date's son, whom you've never met.  What I wouldn't give to be 52, single, and racist...  
  Snacks smuggled into the movie taste so much better than they do at home.  As do blow jobs in the same place.   
  My best friend spent the night with this chick but didn't get any pussy. Acou;le of days later he found some shit on his pubes. He put some of it in a clean ashtry, the moment his roomate saw the dish he exclaimed, "who do these belong too?!"  They went and got the creme and my friend followed the directions to the letter. You know clean underware 3-4 times a day, wash everything in bleach.  He thought they were finally gone and then out of the blue **BAM** back with a vengance, even up in his armpits.  He finally shaved himself from his neck to his knees. That finally did the trick.  All that for no pussy, and when he called the bitch as a courtesy to let her know she gave him the crabs, she cussed him out and hungup.  
  I come in late. I leave early. I take two hour lunches. My boss wants to fuck me. I know it. He knows it. And there's no way it's ever gonna happen. But who says I can't take advantage in the meantime?  
  I've lost a little weight over the past few months (which puts me at a size 10-12 for those of you trying to build a mental image of me, about a 14 before that). There's no particular reason for it, basically I eat pretty well, not such large meals I guess.   I've also been smoking a lot more weed. So when people ask me why I've lost weight, I'm very tempted to say I decreased my food intake and increased my illicit drug intake, but I don't think it'd go down too well with most...     
  When I graduated from Cornell, and had a guarantee of a prime job at an astonishing salary, and had convinced Jeanne, my beautiful long-time fantasy, to move there with me, I was in heaven. We went on a trip to Nova Scotia in my VW camper to celebrate. Wonderful time. I took along every single piece of underwear my mother had ever bought me. Every morning, I would put on a new pair of underpants, and throw yesterday's pair in the garbage. I planned on buying new, fresh underwear when I started work. Jeanne thought I was being really weird, and started to have doubts about moving in with me. She'd never met my mother..  
  he removed the chunk from his nostril and proceded to rub his emboogered fingertips off on the cuff of his jeans thats why god invented pantslegs quoteth he        
  she says to me  "shove a wooden spoon into your ass its about the same" i beg to differ  
  evolution i remember walking into the plow and the stars in cambridge a well heeled gent with pain in his voice playing a steel hollow body he slept on the night before sang ccrider like leadbelly had invaded his soul for one more show a fruitfly floated in my warm blackandtan as  the sun attempted to cut a beam through the smoke of handrolled drums and camel no filters swaying slightly on the ass polished bar stool praying at the altar of redemption for the alcohol forlorn that was twelve years ago last time i was in there it was wall to wall black turtlenecks and tiny glasses gitane or gauloise designer smoke long island chicks who whined about dancing and a crowd of posers who couldnt hold a tune no less pry a feeling from the drivel they attempted to play and people clapped when i finally did get to the bar and asked for a pint the tender read the menu  coorslight i am outta here    
  Sitting in my room today, after a horrible bout of the runs.  Reading some forums.  Had to fart.   That wasn't a fart.  I'm going to go and take a shower.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Someone just came into my record store and bought not one, but TWO Jimmy Buffet CDs at the same time.   
  I'm in a strip club in Vegas at 5 in the morning.  The girl is telling me that this club is open 24 hours.  I say, "Who the hell visits a strip club at 9 in the morning?"  Then I realize that I'm in a strip club in Vegas at 5 in the morning.  Thank God for Xanax.  
  Damn the Pearl Rabbit! I'm going broke buying batteries for the thing.  
  i had just started working as the corporate identity of an internet bank... while attending a company party, i had sex with another girl in the ladies room... we were sure that we were being at least reasonably discreet (conservative industry and all), no one said anything... a few days later most of the company is all on one floor getting ready to watch my first national comercial with them... the ceo (who was a friend) hands me a newspaper, there was an article about our party, in big bold letters there was a phrase about how everyone knew that there were girls having sex in the bathroom... he mouthed to me "you?" i blushed, he winked.  
  i went over to my (now) ex's house and we were talking in his room...  i sat down on the bed and he eyed me strangely, then suggested we go have a cigarette; as i got up, my palm felt something damp...  he sheepishly informed me that he had pissed his bed the night before after getting drunk with me over the phone...  i probably wouldn't tell that story, but it turns out that i'm still bitter...  
  My little brother Tyler is an evil genius.  He grew the best weed this year of all time.  To christen this new harvest he said he would buy a new huge glass pipe.  Me and my friends are all yeehaaing waiting for his return from the head shop.  Fuckhead.  He bought a 10 inch glass pipe shaped and colored exactly like a cock.  The head is the mouthpiece so in order to smoke you have to put this huge cock in your mouth.  Needless to say all none of my nerd friends will do so.  Hey me neither.  Which will make Tylers stash last all year.  After they leave however I will fact smoke that cock.  Holy crap what a great year.   
  ive learned how to work the mouse with my feet so that i can slouch properly in my big, Dr Evil-style computer chair while "reloading" moment after moment... today is a beautiful, lowbrow day.  
  I remember the day when I wore my glasses for the first time.  They felt a little funny on my face at first, but all was forgotten as soon as I looked up on that crisp fall morning.  Stunned by the sudden clarity of the world, I walked around, wide-eyed, gleefully counting the minute blades of grass on the ground.  And then I walked into a tree.          
  I am 27. I was gonna be a cop. I was told that my IQ tests came back "too high." I'm overqualified. College wasted. I shit you not. I shudder for the local department. They seem to think smart guys will just find ways to pervert the system and go bad. I have a perfect driving record. I've never had so much as a parking ticket. I had a captian on the force and a Jesuit priest among my references. A year ago I went back to playing in a band at night, along with my pathetic day job career in the food service industry. But there is a bright ray of hope... None of these jobs require drug tests. I've been reading lowbrow for longer than I've been getting high. Holy crap. You stoners wish you were me, getting blitzed for five hours on half a joint with your GF and fucking like monkeys. I like that. About that IQ thing...My wife still has no clue where I spend my Saturdays.  
  I was in love with this guy for the longest time, but there was just one problem... he was older than me. One nite on a dare, my friends and I decided to take a drive past where he lived to look for his car out in front of his apartment, just for shits and giggles. But unfortunately, while my friends got out and pretty much "examined his car like they were gonna steal it" 2 guys suddenly appeared... one on a patio and one in the corridor of the building. Meanwhile I was in the car the whole time coverin myself with a blanket and laughing hysterically. My friends bolted back to the car and we peeled out of there in a hurry. The guy never did bring up in any of our future conversations whether I had "stalked" him or not. He he he. But I am over those sick ways now---and turns out he really did know anyways!! :)          
  One year my aunt in New Jersey sent us Pringles for Christmas.  When I got the wrapping paper off, I assumed that she had used a Pringles can as a container and there was something besides Pringles in there. Nope.  Pringles.  Ever see what a trip from New Jersey to California will do to Pringles?  Despite the fact that this was quite possibly the worst gift ever given, we had to write a thank you letter. Believe me, it's hard to say "thanks for the Pringle dust" and not sound sarcastic.    
  So, I just dropped my most favorite lighter It's a wonderful orange Zippo and it rarely leaved my side It's orange, and I spent a lot of time looking for that color The color was complemented very well by the yellow piss surrounding it in the toilet And yes, I did fish it out With my hands  Wanna bum a smoke?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For our second anniversary of getting together, I buy her a dozen Calla lilies and present them to her at rehearsal.  All the women in the choir oooh and aaah appreciatively.  She gives me a card that reads: "I don't think I would put up with you, if you weren't so cute."  I can somehow tell that its not much longer, now...  When I finally do break with her, two fabulous women in the choir descend on me together and won't take no for an answer.  Not that I was offering to say no.  
  Got a kid on your block that just will not shut up shrieking when they play outside, particularly on your day off when you're trying to sleep off a hangover from hell? Cut open a blueberry muffin and stuff the middle with some melted Ex-Lax. Set it out on top of the mailboxes. Kid is not only loud but greedy. I guarantee the next three hours will be quiet.. unless the little beast decides to shit under your bushes. I love remote controlled sprinkler systems.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         her: hey, you're pretty cute.   How much money do you make?  me:  you're not too bad yourself.  How much do you charge?  She made a lame attempt at slapping me.  One hour later she was blowing me in the backseat of her car.   I came in her mouth & she got all pissy.  
  I happened to turn on the tv at the moment a commecial for Max Keeble was playing. Featured in the commercial is a young boy who remarks "Hes got phatitude". Im gonna use that word from now on.   
  I'm helping my ex boyfriend deal with his wife.  She threw him out last week after cheating on him for the past 6 months. With men, women, and having sex parties.  Last night he went to go see her and see when he could come home. She said that *if* they were ever going to get back together, they were going to have to start all over from scratch.  I hadn't the heart to tell him that in girl code, that means "I've already made my mind up. You're just wasting all your energy."  
  God damn, I'm skinny now. When I was 13 and chubby, I used to think that I would be really attractive if only the veins on my hands and the backs of my forearms would stand out.  Then it became "I wish the veins on my biceps would stand out." Then, "the veins on my neck."  I'm 6', 175 pounds, something like nine or ten percent body fat last time I was calipered. Every time someone tries to eyeball my weight, they guess that I'm 145 pounds.  For some reason I always thought sex appeal was indefinitely tied to vein protrusion. That, or maybe I'm just some kind of latent junkie.  
  The one girl I've met in my life that I really felt was perfect for me, well, we don't date any more. After about a year of bliss, she's gone. This time, for good I suppose.  I wonder where I'll ever find another one like her, and I think back to the first time we met at my friend's birthday party. I was wearing a dress, just to be silly.   She walked in, and immediately asked if she could do my makeup. It was love at first sight.   
    Do NOT Buy From RentAway!   We're moving Patrick out. We have a 24' truck backed up to his porch, and are sweating, getting his vintage 1000lb upright baby grand up the ramp. A van pulls up, and a guy and woman, in dark blue uniforms, walk up the steps. "Can we talk to Patrick [deleted]?" Me: "I expect so. What's it about?" She shrugs. I'm not going to get an answer. I get Patrick. He had stupidly bought his stereo from RentAway, which is a truly rip-off national outfit. He's already paid $700 on a stereo that's worth about $500, and still owes them another $1000. He's not even behind on payments, but they somehow found out that he's leaving town. He wants to take it with him, and keep up the payments. She says: "It doesn't work like that. We'll give you $700 credit, and when you get to Michigan, you can get another one at the local RentAway". I tell him to write it off, and when he has $500 again, I'll sell him a much better one. With encouragement, he gives in. He asks her: "Can I take the $700 credit to the local RentAway, and get a $700 stereo from them?" She, predictably: "It doesn't work like that". We ignore them and go back to sweating over the bleedin' piano. Patrick gets pissed, unusual for him :-) I say, loudly: "Let's let them load it, then beat the crap out of them". Patrick's brother and buddy from Michigan are with us, helping him move. They're  large . All three are stonemasons, and pure muscle. All three laugh. The woman glances darkly at us, then picks up one of his enormous 200lb crappy speakers like it's a cardboard box. I suspect she's more than qualified for her job...  
  When I was about two or three years old, I had what is possibly the most frightening experience of my life.  I was taking a nap one day as my mother sat watching "Let's Make a Deal!" in the den. I awoke from my peaceful slumber to see a horrifying sight on my curtains, which had little bears all over it playfully arranging letter blocks and a blue trim (although neither I nor my older sister are/were boys...).   One of the bears suddenly grew very large and popped out of the two-dimensional confines of the curtains to float in air (though still connected to the curtains) in a Macy's Day Parade balloon type fashion.  He spoke to me! I could not believe my ears or my eyes! Then, realizing that this was not an normal occurance, and was actually quite scary, I began to cry and yell for my mother.  She came in, asked what was wrong, to which I replied by pointing my hand shakingly towards the curtains, and claimed, "Dat beawr came live an tawlked ta me!" She shook her head and told me to go back to sleep, the bear didnt do anything.  As she left, I clutched my doll and quickly discarded to the floor my blanket with a bear on it that looked similar to the ones on the curtains.  Those curtains didnt come down until I was eight.  I have no curtains in my room at the house I live at now. But the nightmared remain.  
  Yesterday, while eating lunch with a group of friends, one of them turned to me and said  "You are a dick-hungry-whore."  I fail to see what her problem is.   
  I think I can practice some personal hygiene, fix my eccentric "beautiful" hair into an acceptable fashion based on my ethnic heritage, put on some conservative-like glasses on my "attractive" face, and subdued clothes on my fine strong tall body, bring my 99th percentile test scores to the sperm bank and come home with enough money to buy some cheap thrills.  All these genetic "gifts" have to be good for something. I hope those people telling me all that shit weren't just blowing smoke up my ass.   Hell, maybe I'm good for something... breedin' stock.  
  1:05 A.M.  The alarm clock is set to go off in two hours so I can get up and take a shower before heading in to work, a full five hours before we open, to do inventory.  I haven't slept in two days. The eight hour shift I'll pull today will bring me up to thirty four hours at work in the last forty eight.  Time for another beer.  Fuck you, Morpheus! I need not the sweet, tender embrace you offer!  'Sides, I got the loving arms of Corona. She's my baby now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         years ago...  around the time that I got "the talk" from my Dad for the first time.  Of course, I'd been on the internet for quite a while, and watching the Sunday Night Sex Show every weekend.  So we're walking the dog around the block, and he says to me "If you ever need condoms, but you don't feel comfortable buying them, I'll get them for you, no questions asked."  The only thing I could think to say was "I don't think I'd have a problem buying condoms; actually, I'd be proud that I was gonna get some..."  I wish I could still talk to him like that....  
  Ingridents:   4 condoms of varying sizes, brands, etc. 2-3 bottles of hair conditioner. the softer the scent the better. Nothing fruity or colored. just white stuff. 1 tube KY jelly Liberal amout of pubes.  Pulling it off:   Take the condoms and unroll them. Drop a believeable amout of conditioner into the condoms. if done properly it will look used and you can smear it aroud some. Splatter the condoms across the hood and windshield of the victim's car. If you want to be hardcore about it, leave the wrappers out on the groud as well as the emptied tube of ky. be sure to smear some ky on the hood of the car. Feel free to drop pants and slide ass across for realisim. Apply a few pubes to the mixture here and there so they stick.   End result is that it looks like a gang bang happened on the hood of whomever it is that you don't like's car. If you can be present for the reaction you will know just how worth it it was. If you can't, rest assured it is truly: priceless.  
  Saturday night. 1:30am, witching hour, and I'm out of cigarettes. I'm broke, and I'm not driving anywhere, but there's a bigger problem: My sixteen year-old jail-bait stepdaughter went out for a walk three hours ago with my two friends. I woke up her mum, and I already called my cop friends. They have all 26 cruisers looking for her. One of my friends is a rock, a Mormon missionary, but the other is a horny 14 year-old virgin whose mother sold him for coke, five times. I worry. My soon-to-be-ex worries too. I call my cop friends back, and ask if I could get immunity for driving while DUAI. No deal, moron. So I just sit here, in silence, imagining anything and everything. Car door slams. I jump up and go to vent the last two hours into her ear. But her mom already has her, so I leave them alone. My "friends" come into my motorhome, and we talk about how badly they fucked up. I call the cops back, and tell them to call off the search. Ira, the Mormon missionary, looks stricken: "I didn't realise how late is was! How can I make this up?" My wife arrives at the door, looking stern. She talks to them, forcefully. I suddenly have an idea, and hand Ira my empty cigarette pack. "You're sober, right? Go get me a pack of these, and that'll make a little dent. Have enough money?" Aaah, there are always ways to get cigarettes, late at night, even if you have no money...   
  If you are ever in the situation of sleeping in the same room as a friend who is lying comatose with his snores amplified by the wooden floor he is collapsed on, may I recommend filling his nostrils with toothpaste?  Not a peep for the rest of the night and all he can smell for the next week is spearmint - it's a win/win.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         right.  so now that i know i can make myself come, i want to see someone else do it for me.          
  I noticed my roommate had left the window of his car down on accident.  Being the kind person I am, I glanced in to see if he had any valuables in clear view that might tempt someone into theft.    All that was in there were a bunch of empty Paxil bottles and an empty package that said "Handcuffs: FOR LOVERS".  
  Last night while only half listening to Jason I tune in long enough to hear him say "so my cousin just gives them the top-loader."  Dave:  "Whats a top - loader?"  Jason:  "Oh he climbs up on the toilet and shits in the upper tank."  This information is no less accurate for my having only been half listening.    
  She was flying coach. The man in front of her was talking loudly about profit amortization; she suspected that he had already peaked career-wise and was on a fiery blaze down.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I told her a million times that her rotten little chihuahua keeps tunneling out from the back yard. I tell her this every fucking time I have to take the little ratdog back to her. She says yeah yeah and goes back to skanking around. I guess the escapes give her some peace and quiet from the yapping.  So when the little furball ran up to me last night, I deposited him in the neighborhood mail box. He has on a collar with his owner's address on it.  Maybe she'll keep an eye on him if she has to pay damages... and postage due.   
  wandering down in soho with jill and jamie and jamies girlfiend dina looking for a place to sit and have a drink after eating at babbos  dina is from the island  it was great to her guylandspeak i only hear that when i go home to see the folks cos all my friends moved to jersey  it was like wandering around five towns looking for an open payphone and a bagel shop that isnt crowded        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We went to the 24 hour store at about 1 a.m. because we suspected that the old hotdogs would be free.  They were.  I got two hotdogs and went outside.  My buddy came out with two hotdogs and showed me how he had hidden an extra hotdog in each bun by mushing the bun out and then disguising it with condiments. "The hotdogs were free." "I know, but I want to stay in practice."  
     All you have to do to join the French Foreign Legion is pretty much show up at the gates with a bag on your shoulder.    They actually recommend you change your identity.        
   Highschool Moments   So voting for senior superlatives happened recently.  My friends all tell me about what categories they voted me for and instructed all in their classes to do the same-   Best Eyes  Never Missed A Party  Most Likely To Be President  Person You'd Most Like To Introduce To Your Parents  Most Likely To Go To Jail    Of course they wrote in the category  Most Likely To Go To Jail  and with the exception of  Best Eyes  and  Never Missed a Party , the rest are meant ironically.  Or maybe not.  I'm sure your parents would love to meet the real me- the cocaine using, bulimic, medicated, sex bandit, pyromaniac, pharmaceutical dealer that I really am.    I'm a sweet girl, really.    
  Volunteered last week to pick up lunch for myself and a coworker whom I barely get along with.  On my return trip I rounded the corner too fast and the bag of McD's tipped over on the seat thus shooting fries all over the floor mat.    Had a hard time containing myself while watching her eat them (mine of course were the ones which stayed in the bag).  Needless to say I never asked her to pick lunch up for me out of fear that in some way she may have known.  
  Inside the library there's a sign on the wall. It's in the stairwell that goes to the basement.  The sign says:  Due to IMF/World Bank security restrictions the library is only open to students at this time. Other affiliated library patrons will not be able to enter at this time. We appologize for the inconvenience.  The sign is *inside* the library. I feel sorry for this little sign, it has no purpose in life.  
  I used to work at this really busy Mexician restaraunt. It had 2 30 yard dumpster but on the weekends it would be so busy both would get full. We would break down boxes flat and throw them on top of the trash and do a "dumpster dance" to make more room.   One night I was "dancing" and hit a pocket that sank me up to my armpits in slimey Mexican garbage. I couldn't get a foot or hand hold and this shit was like quicksand.  It took two people to pull me out before I sank to the fucking bottom.  Man, that would be the worst way to die...   
  My roommate and I went through our dinky college/party town with a digital camera and some mardi gras beads yelling at guys to "show us your tits!!!"  Most complied.  Some even wanted to stop and chat.  This one guy was a little more compliant than I'd hoped for. He yells "SURE!" and lifts up his sweatshirt, and before we can get a picture, pulls his pants down to his ankles.  My camera has a bit of a delay, so we ended up with a full-frontal shot of some random guy. There were about 5 cops about 20 feet behind him.  We didn't notice until we were on the ground laughing.  We pulled ourselves together and started talking to the cops about this naked dumbass.  We asked how their evening was going. One says, "It was great until that guy."   
  So how many of these shits do you have to post till you win something?  
  She likes to sit on my lap, facing me  legs wrapped around me, while we fuck fast and hard.  when she gets off before me, (she always does)she get under the covers and falls asleep, while I fuck myself.  I use her shirt as a catcher.  heh  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to the store to pick up some eggs for my friend. She wasn't feeling well and was planning to make cookies for the work halloween "party."  When I got to the counter, they asked to see some ID, to which I replied "Is there some new additive in these eggs that gets one stoned?"   They said no, but still needed to see some ID. (I realized it was the night before Halloween, and they refused to sell anone under the age of 18 eggs or shaving cream.)   I had left mine at my friend's, a few blocks away. I decided to just get two pre made cookie dough tubes than run all the way back for my wallet. (Money in bra. Girls have that extra hiding spot..lol)   Then, as an afterthought, I got another one.   Later, after it was closed, I smeared the extra tube of cookie dough all over the store windows.   I had not been planning to pull any pre Halloween pranks, but they forced me to.   They begged me to.   The cookie dough bandit strikes again.    
  We're in the back seat, on the way back from a church-sponsored ski trip.  There's another of us kids in the front seat, and one of the elders of the church is driving.  She puts her hand on my leg, and I follow suit.  She moves her hand up, I follow suit.  She puts my hand into her pants under all the layers, I follow suit.  She pulls my dick out and starts giving me my first blow job.  I can't follow suit (logistical problems, you know...)  I guess that when I had my first orgasm under the power of someone other than myself, I was kinda...well...not quiet.  I thought the elder was going to kill us.  Then she got the car back on the road...  
  there are some times in life when you do something and later wish you had been drunk so it wouldnt sound so fucking stupid. one of those happened to my mate greg recently. he was on an ATV riding around a cattle station in australia with me and kyle, there is a cow out of its paddock, greg decides to chase it back, now heres the part i dont understand, he was chasing the cow and somehow drove right the fuck through a barbed wire fence, the quad made it through the barbs but two rows of wire caught greg across the neck and chest, he flipped off the back of the ATV and onto the ground, once i decided he wasnt going to bleed to death i couldnt quit laughing but it was pretty fucked up for a few minutes. we went directly to a bar right afterwords with greg shirtless and covered with blood, i love australia.  
  Hmm  It's Friday, four hours of work to go. Tonight I will be either humping an ex Hooters waitress or watching 4 hours of Ben Hur while drinking Miller High Life and passing gas. I have no control over which one will happen. I only know that those are the only two possible outcomes of this evening. Imay have to jerk off on Charlton Hestons face...   
  the place: mount hood national forest the time: approx. 4:00 am, may 25th, 2002 the brow: woke up in my tent in a fetal position, thought one of those aliens was about to tear through my belly. unzip tent, run out, grab paper towel, scan dark forest for anything i could position myself on that would make this urgent bowel movement at least slightly less horrible. nothing. look at my nylon folding camping chair next to the firepit. reach for pocket knife and slice an oval out of the seat. position (recently modified) camping chair over small brook with large rock for footrest. i woke up most of my friends with the resulting high-speed expulsion of about seven pounds of pudding-like shit. damn, that was a rewarding b.m. plus, i was pretty impressed with my ingenuity... in about 17 seconds i crafted a comfortable, self-flushing toilet in the middle of the night, drunk.  
  About six of us were walking down the street in Vancouver, when my friend picked up a maple leaf.  "I don't think I've seen a maple leaf this big".  One of the girls we were with, a native Canadian, said, "I thought all maple leaves were red, like the flag."    We just stopped, and looked at her and laughed.    
  I lay there next to her thinking about the soft curves leading to her secret sweet place and how much I wanted to see her arch her back and disappear into pleasure, glad that I still wanted her after all these years.  "Did you take the trash out?" she asked        
  I am in love and it scares me to death.  Somewhere along the line I lost control of this whole situation, and now I have to deal with the fact that my happiness is in his hands.  I *depend* on him.  I *miss* him.  I *need* him.  Dammit, *he's* the one who's supposed to be all tied up in knots, not me.  I don't know how to feel about this.  
  Today is one of those days that I cannot wait for work to end.  One of those days that I look forward to that cold one that's waiting at home for me.  And with any luck, she'll be holding a beer...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  Early on in my freshmen year at a small liberal arts college on the Hudson River, I wandered into the cafeteria for dinner one night with a group of people whom I hardly knew.  Noticing that the soda machine was empty except for Mountain Dew.  Remembering that Mountain Dew was said to a dye that negatively affected your sperm count, I made the following joke, and recieved the following response:  ME: Heh, looks like our school is trying to cut down on its population of bastards.  HER:  Actually, I am a bastard.  ME:  I.. uh....  They didn't bother with me after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Orientation at an all girls college...  "Do you play rugby?" she asked me with hungry eyes.  "No."  "That's too bad. I'd really like to teach you, sometime."  
  My wonderful Iranian supervisor knows I have a bit of a minor obsession with the slim new techincal writer. He and I are setting up to work late, and she stays for awhile, too. Then he comes into my office, and says: "Hey, she just went home. You and I are the only ones left here. I won't tell -- you can go and sniff her seat." I completely lose it, laughing until real tears come to my eyes. Damn! The man can actually read my brain!  
   Brain Damage #5  I finally began to consistently realize that I couldn't remember anything for more than fifteen minutes, so I started adjusting.  (Obviously, some of it got through, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.)  I would read the notes I left myself and not get weirded out anymore because they were in my handwriting. But I really needed to take a walk. I figured that I could walk straight for two wards, take a left, take another left, and I'd be back at my room before I forgot. I even wrote instructions down for myself. Didn't work. I got lost. For some reason, I figured that if I climbed as high as high as I could go, that would help. All the way at the top of the building, I still wanted to go higher, and I found an accessway to the attic. I spent an unknown amount of time climbing over heating ducts, electrical cables, and things like old Iron Lung equipment. I finally found a trapdoor, and jumped down into a corridor. By this time, I had no idea why I was there, or where I was, or what I was doing, but I had an instinct to head downwards. I finally arrived at the lobby of the hospital. That stirred some satisfaction in me, somehow, and I headed to the desk. Nurse: "Yes?" Me: "I'm lost. I can't find my room." I gave her my name, while she looked at me strangely. I guess my pajamas were covered in spiderwebs and dirt. She couldn't find any record of me ever being there. I started to get scared. Maybe I didn't really exist! She called in a doctor. Doctor: "How did you get so dirty?" Me: "Well, I had to climb over all this ducting pipe and so on..." Doctor, to nurse: "Call next door, and see if he's a patient of theirs." She called. Confirmed. Doctor: "I don't know how you got here, but your hospital is down the block. Just go out the door, take a left, and you'll see it." Me: "I can't remember all that. Can you take me?" Of course, doctors are too busy to do that. They called my hospital and someone came over to get me...  
  When I first started going to the gym, I used to swim with the senior citizens early in the morning, so there was someone I could be faster than.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  On night, I noticed my neighbor looking over his back fence with a cold Schlitz Malt Liquor in one hand  and his fully erect member in the other.  Of course, I had to look over the fence as well.  He was watching two mangy dogs fuck in the alley.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The Ultimate Cure For Pick-up Artists   Last night, I am chatting with a  acquaintance.  She is the only real jaw-dropper in the bar, so guys are orbiting around.  One takes her on. He must think I'm a wimp, because I just sit back and sip my Guinness.  I'm just waiting for her to show him her birth control.  Sure enough, she eventually opens her purse and pulls out a whole sheaf, hands him a sample.  Within 20 seconds, he breaks off and walks away. As he walks, he crumples the "What Would Jesus Do" tract into a ball.  
   Ithaca, NY - More Political Correctness Up The Wazoo   One of the technical writers comes to me with a highlighted sentence:  "If the main screen doesn't appear within 30 seconds, abort the program and restart."  I look it over carefully, then raise an inquisitive eye and ask: "What exactly is the problem?"  She: "I don't think you should use the word 'abort,' could we use 'cancel' instead?"  Me: "No -- they mean different things altogether.  In that situation, you have to actually abort the program, not cancel it."  She (getting indignant): "Well, you can't use 'abort' -- there are just too many unpleasant connotations."  We eventually settled on 'terminate,' but she obviously thought less of me after that moment.  
  While I was vacactioning in Dawson City, Yukon, I saw a prostitute and an old man on a park bench.  She had her coat open and was straddling him.  I asked them what time it was.  She stopped, looked at her watch, shouted the time, then continued.  It was 12:30.  What the fuck?  
  I've realized that my hygiene is an outward indicator of my mood.  Being bipolar, my appearance changes rather radically.  When I'm in a good mood, I dress in business casual, shower twice daily, eat immaculately, and have well-groomed facial hair.  Today, however, I'm in all black, haven't showered in a week, haven't eaten in about three days, and am sporting a week's worth of growth on my face.  This indicates that I would kill and eat you for looking at me funny.  Then I'd cry over it and end up puking.  That last part is the lowbrow moment.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a weak stomache...   In the car with Mom and girlfriend, someone decided to what we wanted to eat for lunch, i said "Old Country Buffet." not a second later, poo was dripping out of my anus  I ran into kohls with poo running down my leg, threw my clothes in the trash can in the bathroom, and waited as mom bought me a new pair of pants.   Mom's excuse for coming into the bathroom " He has holes in his pants and hes embarassed to come out"  Old Country Buffet does some damage on your gastro intenstinal tract  
  I've fallen a long way since my NY socialite-schmoozing heyday, but I still sometimes get invitations from people who don't realize that I'm supposed to be "out-of-the-loop." As soon as I walk in, the hostess realizes she made a mistake. She stutters: "And your dear wife Annie?" Me: "Divorced a long time ago. She's up in Ithaca, still playing the 'victim' for all it's worth. But I'm just delighted to see you again!" Fake waxy kiss on both cheeks, and she nervously sits me at the enormous dinner table with all the enormous stuffed shirts. I'm free-falling, having a complete field day. The sommelier comes around and I order a beer with no glass: "I much prefer it that way." Way too much fun. Lady next to me is on the commision in charge of rebuilding Ground Zero, whooop-de-do. I'm supposed to be in awe or something. I let her prattle on for a while about "solemn monuments." Me: "Nonsense. You need commercial space there or the whole area is dead. Besides, we'd look like wimps. The Towers just have to be rebuilt, exactly as they were, just 911 feet higher." She, scathingly: "Eh, I admire your sentiment, but realistically, nobody would rent space there." Me: "Of course they would, after the UN moved in. I hear they're looking for more space." Shut her up. That's for sure...  
  i was with my grandfather for some reason on an elevator, i think we were visiting my grandmother in the hospital.  so we press the button to go up to the sixth floor, and on some floor in between a woman gets on, and presses for the lobby.  being fucked up the elevator goes down.  as it starts ascending my grandfather turns to the woman and says "it's not all about you, you know."  she got off on the next floor.  
  me and my girlfriend where making out, but had reached the point of half nudity, when we heard the car pull up. we dressed, and i went to get her bag out of the living room, covering it with a jumper when i picked it up. she then left via the laundry. after five minutes she came to the front door and we left. we spent the whole rest of the day talking about our awesome bond sneaking skills.  until i got home, and mum asked if i'd snuck my girl out of the house. she'd seen everything.  
  Sometimes happiness is as simple as making one point intersect with another  using your body as adhesive      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I found my soulmate on this site. The pussy used a fake email. Sigh...  
  99 Bottles of beer on the wall 99 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 98 Bottles of beer on the wall  98 Bottles of beer on the wall 98 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 97 Bottles of beer on the wall  97 Bottles of beer on the wall 97 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 96 Bottles of beer on the wall  96 Bottles of beer on the wall 96 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 95 Bottles of beer on the wall  95 Bottles of beer on the wall 95 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 94 Bottles of beer on the wall  94 Bottles of beer on the wall 94 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 93 Bottles of beer on the wall  93 Bottles of beer on the wall 93 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 92 Bottles of beer on the wall  92 Bottles of beer on the wall 92 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 91 Bottles of beer on the wall  91 Bottles of beer on the wall 91 Bottles of beer You 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on the wall 6 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 5 Bottles of beer on the wall  5 Bottles of beer on the wall 5 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 4 Bottles of beer on the wall  4 Bottles of beer on the wall 4 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 3 Bottles of beer on the wall  3 Bottles of beer on the wall 3 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 2 Bottles of beer on the wall  2 Bottles of beer on the wall 2 Bottles of beer You take one down,  Pass it around, 1 Bottles of beer on the wall  1 Bottles of beer on the wall 1 Bottles of beer You take one down,  And Pass Out!    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            This morning, I was sitting in a parking lot in the passenger's seat of my father's car. I was the only one in the car - he was making a quick stop at the market. I noticed an old man parking his car into the space in front of us.    "Wow, he's a pretty good driver for an old man," I thought. Suddenly, his car came rushing ahead at me and smashed directly into the front of my car.    Nothing was hurt but any respect I had for old people.       
  i wake up alone.  this was strange because i went to sleep with her in my bed... i roll over a bit and see her sleeping on the floor. "why are you down there?" i ask. "you pushed me off." she replies. "oh." i say, roll back over and fall asleep.   
  I went to lunch with a good friend.  We walked through the dept. store to get to the food court. Walking through the store there was music playing sort of loudly in the background. We stopped for this woman in a motorized wheelchair to go so we werent in her way.  Instead of going forward, she began to reverse and these little reverse lights were flashing and her wheelchair began to beep.  I pointed at the back of her wheelchair, screaming over the music, "wow that things beeps like a truck." Too bad the music went off just as I began that sentence. The woman did think it was too funny and my friend escorted me out of there quickly...whoops :)  
  This girl, Angela, is the MOST annoying person I have every met.  One night she got so SMASHED off of *4* drinks that she couldn't continue on to the next house party, and was left at some guy's house with our friend Lizz. The guy's female roommate was at home too.   So Lizz and the chick were taking care of Angela, and Lizz was making her drink crazy amounts of water.  They decide to put her to bed, so Lizz says "Angela, maybe you should go to the bathroom before you go to bed" So Angela gets up, turns left into the kitchen, instead of right into the bathroom, leans against the counter,  and looks out the window in the wall at Lizz, with a dumb grin on her face. Lizz and the roommate look on in horror as the puddle on the floor grows  Btw, Angela didn't even bother to drop her pants.  So Lizz and the roommate get Angela into the shower, get her some clothes, and proceed to mop up the kitchen floor, use the mop to put the soiled clothes into the bathtub, and soak them. They also throw in the bathroom mat which was dirty too..... what they didn't know was that the bathroom mat had been soaked in bleach, and dyed Angela's black pants orange  To this day there has been no indication that Angela remembers what happened, but she's never asked about her pants..  
   "Do you get salary at Wired?" he asked as I handed him the lime green tube of UltraBrite brand toothpaste, always on sale for $1.29.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I was a virgin and had a steady boyfriend.  I was at a friend's house rolling around on his bed half naked.  All of a sudden he stopped and asked about him...It was the first time his name had even enter my mind.  I dismissed it and proceeded to continue taking my clothes off.  We fucked for the next three hours in every way we could think of...my boyfriend found out and was torn to peices. And  I never  apologized.  I wasn't sorry for it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember shitting my pants half way through a car journey with my parents and three siblings and blaming the smell on my younger brothers farting. On occasions now he mentions about the time on a car journey and how he was constantly farting. Another time I peed in my fathers footwear and let him take the blame. Again he sometimes mentions the event and has accepted his blame for the sordid event.  Hey as long as he's not mentally scared by the event its okay isnt it??  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so ive seen some posts about DARE and shit. My DARE "officer" was probably one of the heaviest drinkers on the illustrious Webster Groves police force. After seeing him getting absolutely bombed at my parents christmas party i really couldnt take anything he ever said seriously. i guess thats why its 6pm on a monday and im shitfaced. thank you, Mike Nelson.   
  Thinking back on all the times in my youth that I drove home from a party so blind drunk that I wasn't even sure I was in a car astounds me to this day.  Amazed to be alive, and amazed at how much I miss those good old days.  
     Every day I go without shaving makes me a little crazier. My facial hair is the antennae to hell.     
  It's a Saturday night, and after seeing a movie with my friend from high school, we decide to restart the tradition of walking around Dr. John's (An 'Adult Novelty Store') for a while.  So, we're in there, laughing at some things, freaking out over the prices of others, and this really good looking guy walks in. I mean, -really- good looking, non-skanky. How often do you see that in a porn shop?  Me: Dude...would it be weird if I picked up a guy at Dr. John's? Her: Uhhh...I think he has a girlfriend. Me: Maybe he's just buying it for fun! Her: Nipple drops?! Me: Dammit! Quit ruining my fantasies!  
  obligatory pant-soiling story: skateboard camp... 1991... i had the squirts, but thought i would be ok.  i wasn't, and had to sprint, but didn't make it.  so i got in one of the two showers in our cabin, hung my brown undies up, and cleaned my bottom.  the undies stayed there the rest of the week, nobody could use that shower, thereby increasing the wait time in the morning, i solved that dilemma by not bathing, and everyone hated me for causing the whole situation. well, they also hated me because my brother and i would swallow air before bed so we would fart all night long.  
  Ithaca graffiti:  "BREAD NOT BOMBS"  "TRIED BREAD -- FOUND DID NOT EXPLODE"  
  rowing in the storm like an idiot i knew my number had been called steve crane i kept saying to myself steve crane i thought i saw my true love swimming below the thrash of waves and dove to meet her deeper i swam knowing i wouldnt have enough air to make it back i screamed i love you into her ear below the crashings of the boat i reached the gunwhale and yanked myself into the filling boat gasping more water than air i wonder if she knows what blubBLUBblub means        
   What the fuck?  I couldn't even score with a chick in a wheelchair that night. Maybe she was just scared of some dude who would hit on a chick in a wheelchair...  
  Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the  strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M  duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the  "loser," the inferior one, which must be eaten immediately.   The winner gets to go another round.   In general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.   Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to evolve, adapting to its environment.   When I reach the end of the pack, one M&M remains, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." (god willing, it survives the postal service)  This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.    Afterall, there can be only one.     
  damnit i miss my big wheel  
  "ew, now i'm all greasy" she said after i had drawn on the back of her neck with chapstick. "hah, that would have been better with pen." said my boyfriend, "too bad you're a sound sleeper, the potential for mischeif is tempting." he gives me a knowing look. suddenly, our other friend to the right busts out laughing, gives my man a high five and continues in his convulsions of mirth. everyone is confused until i explain, "austin! stuart meant so he draw things on me in pen, not fuck me up the ass!" ah well, i may not be fluent in any language, but i can translate pervert fairly well.  
  An auto-erotic session gone wrong:  The fantasy started out with a chaste kiss, a gentle fondle.  It ended with an ass in the air.  With a dildo sticking out of the ass.  Spanking, fucking, sucking, and words like "whore" and "bitch" directed at the dildo-plugged, doggy-style-fucked, blow-job giving, nipple-bitten, bottom-spanked fantasizer.  All at the same time.  Two things occurred to her:  1) that she must have some serious multi-tasking abilities to be able to mentally maintain all seven or so separate acts happening simultaneously in the fantasy, while physically stimulating herself.  2) that her fantasy life seemed to suggest a marked lack of self-respect.  
  I was at work in the bathroom going pee.  I had my shirt all the way up to my neck, I was just staring at my stomach, not sure why really, just something to stare at.  Then the fucking door opens, some lady had to mistake the stall I was in for empty.  Out of 12 stalls...one occupied...11 unoccupied, she chooses mine.  I looked pretty retarded, with my shirt up to my neck, just staring at my stomach.  Why was I looking at my stomach?  Then to make it worse she just kept talking to me from her stall, and I hear her unwrapping a tampon and she's still just blabbing away.  I washed my hands to leave and she's still talking...to herself at this point, because I had left.   Man...I sure hope I don't run into her again.  
  I had a dream last night where a really hot guy fucked me.  He didn't finish me off however.  Damn it.  Even in my dreams I can't orgasm.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, after six years of trying to meet trashy local women on our annual vacation, Francis finally ended up going home with one. According to trusted sources, her face wasn't bad, and she had a nice body. Which was something, considering she had three kids, all by different men. He thought he might drive her home from the bar, because she was absolutely the polar opposite of sober (or so I hear). But instead, he packed into her car with a couple of other ne'er-do-wells and she took them on a 90 mph drunken cruise down Minnesota back roads back to her place. When they got there, he had to sit around and make small talk with her 40-something country-trash buddies for at least an hour, and she didn't even have any beer      because if she keeps any in the house, the 13-year-old baby sitter and her friends will drink it      Finally, Francis got her up to bed, where it was determined that she didn't have any condoms around. Not surprising, considering those three kids and all. He busted ass downstairs and told the 13-year-old baby sitter and friends he'd pay $10 if someone could find him a condom within ten minutes. They found it. Francis fucked her. He scrawled a note thanking her before he left the next morning. One of the baby sitter's friends saw him walking to a phone to call us for a ride a few minutes later. With no trace of irony, I must say: We're proud of you, Francis. We are proud.  
  The other day my ex came by to pick the kid for a spell, and asked if I'd get back together w/ him, not romantically, but just because the youngster needs a little brother or sister.  I told him politely that I'd put it on my agenda right after that lobotomy I've been thinking about.        
  My sister's hands have such poor circulation that the tips can turn a funky shade of pink/purple. The cat has mistaken them for Tuna Treats (the cat snack) more than once and accidentally bit her.  From then on my sister's new nickname was Tuna Treat Fingers.  
  So what do they call that style of porn again - where the dude holds the camera. . . oh  Gonzo   Jason says ("thats what they been callin it").  Not a bad concept, the dude holds the camera, girl comes to hotel sucks him off.  Almost point of vision.  And we never have to see the dudes face.  Ive checked a few out and the only thing is I cant tolerate inevitable sniveling sneaky pervert voice of the dude saying stuff like "oh yeah c mon you like my  cockyyyyyeah  "  He always (seriously folks check it out) ALWAYS sounds like that kid nobody trusted in 8th grade science - no not  that   kid exactly, how to explain, some dude you would  not   want to stumble upon getting head:  The leader of the AV club.   
  I used to live in Monterey, at the time I was dating this really hot,  ex-gymnast/cheerleader type, very flexible, very muscular, very beautiful... and very inexperienced.  I can usually tell when they're playing or teasing, but this girl was just uncultured.  I basically had to teach her, from scratch, how to give bjs.  Usually that's not too bad, cause I can taylor the technique... but it's the learning process, the trial and error part that frustrates me.  Well, she was practicing one day and, as I coached her, she got a wild pube up the nose and I could tell that she was going to sneeze.  To say that I was surprised would be a gross understatement.  She sneezed rather violently, and simultaneously chomped down on "me" with equal (and seemingly greater)force.  I didn't feel any pain at first, but was just so horrified that she bit that I jerked my hip and yanked poor "me" out of her mouth, scraping along her still-rather-taughtly-fixed teeth.  Now, originally, I was laying flatly on the bed, sprawled out all over.  But when I saw her twitch before the sneeze, I curled my knees up a little.  Then when I jerked my hips, I  succeded in freeing "myself", but I also gave her a solid knee in the jaw.    Oh dang, was she pissed.  She obviously  didn't realize the severity of the situation, and as I lay there curled up in the fetal position, she kicked me - right between the thighs and smashing the crap outta my nuts.    She stormed out of the room as I lay there, and , yes, by this time the pain had reached me and was increasing by slowly.  I don't know if she ever realized what she had done to me...  she was dumb...   
  I studied German for five years in High School.  Well, one day, our lesson was vocabulary relating to foods.   We learned that walnut in German is "WalnuSS".   I promptly piped up, rather loudly proclaiming,   "If walnut is WalnuSS, then peanut is PeanuSS!"   Even the teacher laughed so hard he couldn't breathe.    - denim@hosers.org   does anyone else notice something lowbrow in the first line of this moment?   
  So I traded some porn CDs from my collection with a friend of mine, and was somewhat shocked to find he had given me mostly pics of chin omlettes, scat, and animal sex.  best masturbation session I've had in a long time...   
  family reunion approximately two weeks ago.  a bunch of my little cousins are singing a tune that sounds remotely familiar, and upon closer inspection i realize that it is "99 bottles of beer on the wall" exept they changed the lyrics.  they sang "99 bottles of pop in the fridge".  what losers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went out for drinks with my cow-orkers. They were all light-weights. 4 shots of tequila, and they're rip-roaring drunk, while I'm simply laughing at them.  (I remember when I was a light-weight, it was a lot cheaper to get drunk back then.)  By the time we were kicked out of the restaurant, I was the only one sober enough to figure out the bill.   After everyone had chipped in, I simply neglected to tell them we were $30 over.   As it turns out, that $30 was just enough to get me drunk the next night.  
  they went inside the house with the guy who had the legal right to marry them, and when they came back out to the party they were husband and wife. i started thinking about how they'd met just a week or so ago, and in fact as far as i could remember their first sexual experiance with each other had been at an orgy with me and my on-again-off-again lover. now married, they kissed for the cameras, and i was startled by the thought that i had probably french-kissed my friend's new wife before he had. it had been the first time i made out with another girl, actually. it was ok.  
  he just laughed, and said that the worst thing i could ever do to anybody would be to give them a care bear stare.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Call me stupid but it was three days of this black gritty  stuff falling out of my pubes before I woke up on day four and saw the  little crab-like critters crawling all the fuck over the place. How fucking lame!    
  I'm at work, bored out of my mind, when I overhear two co-workers talking about Jack in the Box. It is mentioned that they give out burgers and other free food to homeless people.  My first thought was, "Wow, that's pretty cool."  My second thought was, "Wait, their burgers are poison."  My final thought on this matter was the same as my first.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This is a long one since it needs some setup. Bear with me.  So I'm friendly with this radio shock jock who shall remain nameless. He's in Chicago now, and before that he was in San Francisco. That's enough for you to identify him if you want.  Anyway, we are boozing it up on Sunday night and I ask him "Hey, you ever meet women that let you cum in their mouth?" since I haven't - my wife point blank refuses to do that for me. He just looks at me and says "sure, all the time". "Wow" I say, "I wonder what that's like".  On the monday driving into work I listen to his show and his call in question of the day is 'Women, whats does it taste like?'. I'm laughing my ass off because I know it came from our conversation the night before. I listen to some of what the women callers say. "Egg Whites", "Mushrooms" and my favorite "Battery Acid". (How would they know?) That night I go home and tell the wife about the conversation the DJ and I had had, and the morning call in question. She asks what people had said it tastes like. I tell her them all, finishing with the battery acid answer. She says "Oh, it doesn't taste like battery acid at all!". I look at her and ask "How do you know?" "Oh" she says, avoiding my eyes "didn't I ever...?" "No" I say, pretty pissed off, and that's the end of that conversation.  So I have to revisit my DJ friend to work on his computer a few nights later, and I relate the whole story to him. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever heard.  Next morning at 7am he calls us, on air, relates the whole damn story to the Chicagoland area and uses our real names. My wife is a catholic school teacher. She is not thrilled to say the least. He won't get off the phone till she's talked to him and agreed to do it for me. Eventually she's persuaded to talk to him, and agrees to do it.  The lowbrow moment? The moment we put the phone down, it rings. I pick it up. It's my sister in law, that's heard everyword, knows its us and thinks its the funniest thing she's ever heard. Thank god she was laughing too hard to call my mother in law.  
  When does that 'Women of Starbucks' Playboy issue come out anyway?  
  I counted the number of guys that came into my work, then counted the number of those guys who tried to peek down my shirt as I reached down to get them a bag for their food. In the three hour period that I was there, 23 guys came in; 22 of them trying to catch a free show.  The only one who didn't look? My dad.   
  It was one of those off-campus Victorians in the sub-zero "North Country" that housed too many dudes who liked to party.    Dave the Poacher had a pet lizard for almost the entire year.  Right about finals time, the lizard up and died and ended up in the freezer.  One night during a raging party, someone found the lizard and the thing ended up getting tossed about the room and eventually out the second story window.    The next morning on the way to class, I found the lizard, in two pieces, lying the snow.     Those were the days of the broken lizard.    Yup.    Those were the days.   
  I'm sitting at home on a Friday night.  So I jump up from the couch where I'm sitting in the dark watching TV when miraculous the phone rings.   While I'm on the phone, I decide that I'm hungary and procede to make myself a sandwhich.  All that was left was hawaiian bread and a few pickle slabs.  So I put them together and repeat the concoction to my friend.  But I was still hungary, so I finished of the hawaiian bread with some butter and cinnimon and sugar.  "Bread is bad for you." my friend tells me, "All my cousin eats is bread and she's pretty big."  "Oh, thanks for tellin me now, after I ate like 5 slices."  So then I was still hungary, so I ate a pudding cup too.  About 5 minutes later, I said to my friend.  "I don't feel too good, my stomach hurts." And she replied..."I wonder why you dumbfuck."       
  I know I shouldn't care but it really irks me  every post by fury440 I've ever read makes it a point to put huge emphasis on how tough and terrifying he is.  Everything about it screams exaggeration, as if he's trying to be cool.   It's as if lowbrow was highschool all over again.  I have mental images of everyone.  Sorry_e_e is the stoner who thinks everything he says is something hugely philosophical and mind blowing when half the time it's just incoherent babble.  fury440 is the small 5'5 spanish guy who is always looking to pick a fight to compensate for something  ladeefreakingda, for some reason, I envision as the black dominatrix from " How to be a Player" even though I have no clue if she's black or white. But in mind, She's got the whole thing going on. The tacky 4 inch nails, the crazy 3 cans of hairspray hairstyles with all the chopsticks in her hair. The type of girl you see always talking about how guys are only good for fucking and buying you things, and then doing that snap-snap bling bling handmotion or something.  stillbonging and daytripper the funloving potheads who are always jolly  pjaffe and snikrepkire, the loser friends who you can't ever figure out how they get all the chicks ( hell I don't even know if they gets lots of chicks or not, these are just my fucked up mental images)  and then everyone who uses the fake email addresses are the popular people who find they have something in common with everyone else but are too afraid to ruin their social status by admitting it.     mandatory addendum: No, I'm not trying to say I'm cool or better then any of these people, etc, etc, I'm not and I know it.   
  Is it wrong to want to fuck any man that doesn't believe in God? Damn, I have been living in the Bible Belt way too long.  
  i was totally in love. eventually i had to get over it, and every now and then i think about the way things unfolded. i can't help but think that even though i completely humiliated myself for well over a year, i KNOW i got the better end of the deal.  i'm not the one giving blow jobs for crack.  
  Mini Goldfish crackers, pickles, orange soda, chocolate chip cookie dough, and string cheese. All are good, but should I really be eating them all at once?  
  after he broke up with me, i didn't wash my sheets for over a month because they still smelt like him...  
  A few years ago on Halloween some friends and I were walking around a dark country road at midnight on mushrooms.  We were all chin deep in 'i know everything' when some lights came over the horizon.  "Car, ditch!" I said like a 10 year old.  My friend Chris did.  So did I.  The other's didnt.  The headlamps turned out to be a cop who stopped and accosted my remaining friends for about half an hour ("what are you doing walking around at midnight on a back road on Halloween") in the flash and sparkle of white and blue police lamps.  Which must have been a bitch on mushrooms.  From our safe vantage point behind some dark rocks Chris and I enjoyed the marvelous spectacle.   Dumb bastards.  
  Dinking straight mixing vodka outta the bottle in my grandma's bathroom, I realize that I might just have a drinking problem. Fuck it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there was this tall, skinny girl in my high school french class. she transferred in during the middle of the year and took the empty seat in front of mine. she seemed nice enough but there was something distant about her.  one day in class her head starts drooping and rolling to and fro. i start to say something to her when she falls from her chair and starts to have a seizure.  she's inbetween the rows of chairs, kicking and flopping. i remember the sounds of chairs being slid out of her way, making room for her thrashing arms and legs. the teacher rushed forward, placing his body next to her head and after a minute or two the seizure passed... she wiped away the drool and with the help of a few students walked to the nurse's office.  after that day i tried to be friendly to her, make her know that there was nothing to be embarassed about. a jokester by nature i noticed one day she was dressed in all-black. i figured, since her french wasn't bad and that she had this damaged-arty air about her she was going goth or something, so i popped off "hey, who died?"  she sat there for a moment and then burst into tears, running for the room. i only found out later that a friend of hers had killed themselves the day before...   whoops.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What am I missing right now? a cold Guinness stout, a pipe with primo Humboldt weed and a vibrator... hmmm I wonder if my boss would mind  
  quote see the trick is that the amateurs dont have the slightest idea about how much is too way too much and then fuck themselves see they dont know when the alcohol is affecting their behavior they think that the short temperedness and paranoia and constant rage is part of their personality  but the glass down you addicted fish endquote he took a swig of his ancient whiskey which had discolored from the melting ice could of swore he was talking to himself even when he was talking to me personally i think hes just ritualized his booze better than most and  thankfully doesnt have it in him to kick his dog or beat his wife       
  So I am officially the stupidest motherfucker in the world.  In my past I have done things stupider than California electing Schwarzafucker.    The pastoral serenity of my sideyard hadn't been preened in quite a while; the grass grew so high that it doubled over itself to create a tangled mess of greenery.  My friend and I were playing badminton; hitting the birdie back and forth as well as 10 year olds could.  He vollies the birdie to me and I give it a wallop that sends it flying over his head and into the grass.  "I'll get it!" he yelled (and get it he would) as he goes to search for the birdie in the grass behind him  So I, like the idiot savant (and hold the savant) that I am, start tossing the raquet up and down like a military baton.  How intelligent.  I hurl it up in the air at an awkward angle.  "I got it!" my friend yells as the raquet-handle buries itself deep into his forehead.  And he's down like a bitch in heat.  I yell to him.  "Stop kidding around and get up"  but he doesn't move  So I go over to him and stare down at him, moaning on the ground.  And scream that I had killed my best friend.  Well it turns out that he wasn't dead, just being overly dramatic. But I'll never forget the day when Satan himself directed my raquet towards someone's head, to try to pin a murder on me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of life's myths:  "What are you thinking about?"  "...nothing."  
  so im finishing off the last of a joint and the guys im with light up their cigs. they ask if i want one cuz apparently an after weed cig is great. "no thanks i dont smoke" i say as i exhale a small cloud of smoke in their direction.  
  I absolutely, positively cannot resist peeing  in the shower.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sick people love this site.  The same sick people stand next to me on the train, eat with me at the cafe, work with me at the office, and walk with me in the park.  But I love this site too...  Why don't you ever introduce yourself?  
  Me: "Didn't you used to play the viola?"  Him: "Yeah."  Me: "Why did you stop?"  Him: "It's fucking hard! You have to play for like fifteen years just to get bad!"  
  The last band audition I had went awful.  All the equipment that was supposed to be there wasn't there. Only 2 of the 5 guys in the band showed. So, I got drunk on their beer and played to a few of their friends from the suburbs.  The shining moment was when our potential lead singer revealed that when his live in girlfriend had left town for three days he went down to the closest porn shop and jacked off in the nudie booths at least 5 or 6 times in those 3 days.  There is a difference between being comfortable with your sexuality and adult enough to talk about it without shame and being a lowbrow dirty cheesedick 18 year old bro-core idiot with too much time on your hands.  No pun intended you clueless fuck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Found his stash of porn and was outraged, despite my very liberal stance of anticensorship and sexual freedom, etc.  So I painstakingly glued all the pages of each magazine together, and not only on the edge but in the middle of the page too. Can't wait to hear the stifled wails of sorrow the next time he feels the urge for a late night whackoff session.  
  I lived down the street from an insane assylum as a kid. Every Halloween, they gave out real-sized candy bars, not the fun-sized (whatever that means) kind.   I got at least two candy bars a year from those loons.   Maybe it was the "crazy-people-snickers" kept me from getting into college.   
  My buddy and I walking to the bar after work one night.  It's pretty much a given that we'll run into the same pathetic bunch of losers sittin' on the street corners begging for spare change (yet they can afford skateboards and a dog).    Pathetic loser #1  "Do you have any spare change?"  My buddy  "I only carry bills"  Pathetic loser #2  "Can you spare a buck?"    Me   "I only have change"    
  my last year of highschool. A few friends and i were taking a smoke break behind the local convenience store. And who should come drivinf around the corner in his little golf cart, but the schools designated enforcement agent/trig teacher/football coach.  3 of us were able to produce documentation allowing us to be off campus. He turns to the fourth, Kelly, and asks "What about you?"  "What?" She asks. he replies "Did I stutter? What about you" "Fuck you" says Kelly. "What?" he asks she replies "Did I stutter? Fuck you." Que riotous laughter. He is pissed off. So he reaches around and backhands me.  First time I had ever been hit by a non-sibling.   
  years ago... got a ride to the bowling alley from ponch's older sister. this trashy, but cute girl there obviously decided she was going to fuck me regardless, because i couldn't do or say anything wrong and the next thing i know we're in the back seat of her car, in ponch's mom's driveway, getting it on. she claimed she couldn't get pregnant, so i nutted in her. alas, she turned out to be insane, and i dumped her shortly after... which actually ended with a black eye (mine). so she de-virginizes my little brother. tells him the same thing... that she can't get pregnant. i warn him about her unstable mind, wondering if she really is sterile or full of shit and wanting a baby. eventually my brother got bored of fucking her, dumped her (sans-violence), and she hooks up with this white-trash dude we knew. see them a year later...  her: fat, ugly...  him: depressed and drunk...  them: welfare parents. now the question is; are my brother and i sterile, or just really, really fucking lucky?  
  Every time i walk my dog really late at night, and there is no wind, or traffic or any other sounds, i hear him shit and thats disgusting  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My cousin and his buddy were out driving around some logging roads in the middle of the night after a kegger.  Finally they ended up with the rig stuck in the ditch, so they left it and started to hike back toward town.  After an hour of this, with no flashlight, they heard a  whuff!    Wazzat!   one of them said.   Dunno.  Maybe a bear!  the other exclaimed.   Whuff!   Now, all of a sudden slightly less inebriated due to all the adrenaline pumped into their systems, they decide to climb a tree to escape from the  bear .  This first tree not being tall enough, they leap to a different tree and keep ascending.  After a couple hours, one of them starts to doze off and begins snoring.   You re gonna piss him off!  the other says.    Soon, day breaks, and they see the  bear , a Black Angus cow!    What s lower, spending the night in a tree because of a cow, or telling everyone what happened and living the rest of your life with the nickname  Yogi ?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the only thing funnier than guys who strut around wit their pants around their ankles   is when they try to run  
  we were discussing the fact that  at one point in the history of this planet some cataclysmic event brought the population of homo sapiens down to a couple of thousand think of it says she the entire planetful of people from that tiny kiddie gene pool due to an asteroid or something i look around the bar and declare it musta killed off all the smart ones to wit she looks back at me and say and all the good looking ones  doh de pantsed in my favorite bar   
  She took an almost guilty pleasure in being "smarter" than me. She was the big, bad Registered Nurse, I was just a lowly aid. She came giggling down the hallway, "Psst! C'mon! You gotta come down here!" I looked up at her uncertainly. "What?" I said slowly. I learned to be cautious with her. "Just come on! Trust me!" I trotted back down the hallway with her, and followed her to her new patient's room. "Oh, dear GOD! What IS THAT? What's that smell?!!" I couldn't even keep my voice low. She laughed even harder and just barely squeezed out the words, "Ass and feet!"  
  Her cat died in the driveway, and since she is too squeamish to remove it, she leaves it there until her husband comes back from out of town. I know all this because her hobby is sitting out front on the cordless phone, gossiping loud as hell all day. At night, I move it with a shovel up to her doorstep. The next morning, she opens the door, shrieks, gets a broom, and shoves it back to the driveway. Next night, I move it up again. "Mom" she says on the phone the next morning, "I know it's still alive... it keeps trying to crawl back in the house!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Pay Gentle Lazy Losers For The Service They Provide.  Slothlike citizens rule.  The government should *pay* people like me, who just want to stay in bed all day, eat cold cereal, and watch TV.  We require very little, cause no trouble, and don't complicate the lives of people who want a so called life. I'd think just our staying the out of the way all of the time instead of only some of the time would be worth something. Society's achievers wouldn't have to work around dead weight employees (the boss's lazy, clueless brother in law, for example) who would rather be in bed. The acchievers would get a plowed road, the losers would be happy-- talk about a win-win situation."  Ok, we could do it your way.  You get a 13" TV with basic cable and a wooden chair.  You eat Tofu for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and no, you do NOT get a car either.  Your bed will be bunk beds with cheap sheets, so don't think of having a serious relationship -- we don't want your kind procreating.  Oh yeah, you also have to live where the rest of us DON'T want to -- let's say the north pole or the Sahara desert in Africa...  In that society, WE win :).  Get a fucking clue.  Or kill yourself.  Either one, the world will be a better place.  
  Hash Browns, Eggs and My Finger ------------------------------- * Eggs and hash browns covered  in ketchup * a cup of coffee filled by the waitress when low * my smoke burning sinister in  the ashtray * no one complains no one cares they  smoke too * I smell my finger and remember last night remember Julie * I loathe myself and feel like  an animal * and sit back in suprise that I still had  that emotion  
  first guy: "hey man,  have you heard of wean?"  second guy: "yeah man, have you?"  first guy: "yeah!"  then silence.  it was then i knew my friends had smoked entirely too much.  
  When I came back to the US I worked for a couple months at my dads hardware store. More than once someone came in and said "Do you have that thing...you know...its like...?"  Despite the fact that there were no nouns in that sentance I replied: "aisle 5".  
  It was after my sister's reception more than a year ago.  I had spent all night dancing with a pitcher of beer in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other.  Needless to say, I was flying a bit high by the time I returned home.  My girlfriend was there, but she hadn't gone to the wedding.  Also present was a girl that has been in love with me since 7th grade.  By the way, this girl gives a tremendous blow job, absolutely out of this world.  Anywho, the BJ girl goes upstairs to take a piss.  My bedroom was that way, so I told my girlfriend that I was gonna go change out of my tux, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.  I snagged BJ as she walked out of the bathroom, and asked her to do the deed.  She happily obliged, and blew my brains out.  Quickly afterwards, we made our way downstairs like nothing had happened, and it was never spoken of again.  Unfortunately, I didn't go the full Low Brow mile and have sex with my girlfriend later on.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.    Man that girl can give head though.  
  i visited her after a long plane flight. we spent the weekend talking in person for a change.  i woke up sunday morning and walked into the kitchen, just in time to see her finish off the last of the milk.  "there's o.j.," she muttered.  "it doesn't go well in cheerios," was almost the last thing i ever said to her.  
  I typed lowbrow.com into my browser, it sent me to a search page.  I forgot the www.    The only site it returned was titled "Big Lowbrow Climax Coming Soon!"  It was something to do with survivor.  But damn! A big lowbrow climax! I can't wait!  What have you got planned tygr?    Such an event could well be the highlight of my adult life!  I just got a redundancy package - zoot suits on me!  
  If I could have one moment again. Right now, any moment at all. I would have to say that out of everything I wish I was back in that club somewhere in Massachusetts smoking pot with two girls in a bathroom stall. I had no romatic feelings towards either of them but I think, I think I was having fun right then.  But I can't be sure  
  contents of the car:  -me, andrew, and sunny, all tired -our gear and a small unopened bottle of booze.    contents of the back of my trunk:  -one fuzzy white hat, slightly damaged  -one pair bolt cutters, very used  -one saws all, slightly used  -one 2 stroke generator, second hand  -50' of insulated extension cord  -3 gallons deisel fuel  -several half empty bottles of vodka  -pair of handcufs welded to 20' of chain  -several implements of bondage gear  -licensed colt revolver, used.  -the stub of a joint smoked back in 98   which do you think the cop took the most offense to when i told him i had nothing to declare on my trip to canada the other week?     
    Psychomagnet   I didn't come by the nickname easily.  She always seemed a little bit odd, but pleasant enough.  One night, dropping her off at her car in town, and she won't stop arguing. She thinks I don't understand what she's trying to say, but the problem is that I just disagree with it.  On and on she goes. I ask her to leave.  On and on she goes. I ask her to leave.  On and on --I can't take it any more. Hell with it -- if she won't leave, I will.  I get out of my VW and take a long walk around the block.  When I get back, her car is finally gone. I heave a sigh of relief and start to drive to my farm.  A few miles out of town, I notice headlights behind. Slightly worried, I glance in my rear-view mirror.  She's not in the car behind me, she's sitting directly behind me, smiling.  
  Time is a wonderful thing.  It's what keeps every single self-contained individual universe that is each split-second of human history from happening all at once.    For instance it keeps the 1941 universe that existed at the time of Pearl harbor from getting jammed up with the 1945 universe that had us dropping nuclear (note: not nukyuler) bombs on them, thereby causing a whole lot of confusion as to who started it all.  It also keeps the universe in which my buddy was banging the married chick he picked up in vegas from occupying the same space as the universe in which i was in the bathroom puking up all my buffet-induced food poisoning the next morning, thereby ruining the mood for both of them.  He did thank me for vacating the room for a few hours.  
  Room full of business owners and entrepreneurs: Suits, sport coats and polished shoes. Lecture on giving presentations to the money-men.  ("Hi. My name is Bob. We make widgets. We make the best widgets. Please give us money so we can make more widgets.")  Lecture is over and the school sends in a representative to sell us on their whole program. Said representative is a 200lb female in tight jeans and a bright orange tee shirt that states, "of course I'm paranoid."  
  though for some reason i wish it were, this is not mine. it's a friend's, who will go nameless because i'm not telling him that i'm putting this e-mai he sent me up here.  so here goes (edited for reasons of length only):  "I am in the process of failing calculus [definitely] and also my assembly language class [60% likely]. I am doing exceptionally well in my philosophy classes and moderately well in my Java programming class. Needless to say I've been fairly depressed lately and have been rather apathetic. After firebombing my QPA to hell this last year I think its a good time to step back and look at my future.  I'm sure I'll be living in Maine somewhere in an apartment and using the local library as my primary source of sanctuary and entertainment].  I will learn to play the classical guitar and perhaps hold small [for leisure and just a small bit of money here and there] intimate concerts at book shops and coffee houses.  Playing for middle aged housewives who want, up close and personal, their own rubber Yanni.   I will use this as a springboard into electro-acoustic composition and practice and begin to record a series of 19 60 minute pieces for guitar and, um, tape?  Hard drive?  Whatever the "electro-" end is.  Perhaps I could sell them to the middle aged housewives for $17 each and laugh to myself at the thought of them sitting down to a glass of wine in their upscale new England living room to a series of pops, hums and the occasional ring modulated buzz of a guitar string fed through a processor*.  After this tom foolery is exhausted I will take my earnings as an industrial worker and invest them in a small but conservative information management company.  When and if that takes off I will shift my work to evening hours and begin to plot out ways to expand the United States labor party.  After considering ways to mount an economic coup I will realize that political ideology is, at best, masturbation for failed electro-acoustic music writing crackpots, and I will explore cultural relativism and the prevention of violence.  I will dodge god and become obsessed with the U.N.  I'll write three books.  When I die, I'll go to hell."  wow, man. wow.  
  My mom rented Boogie Nights, mistakenly thinking it was a sort of disco, Fred Astaire type movie.  She was so amazed at her error she watched it three times.  
  Once, when I was traveling from Aspen Colorado to Glenwood Hot Springs, we stopped at a grimy resturant to eat.  I had to pee so I went into the woman's bathroom...and there, written in the stall I had chosen to pass water in were these profound words....  There once was a girl named Longet, Who came to Aspen to play, A guy they called Spider, Sat down beside her, and she blew the poor fucker away!   http://www.super70s.com/Super70s/News/1976/March/21-Claudine_Longet.asp    
  I want to be a DJ.   And they'd call me DJ Disc Jockey.          
  Dunedain I:  right as i was about to leave work at McDonalds... i was doing drive thru.. and...this guy asked that we put BUTTER on his cheeseburger.  Dunedain I: i mean...for the love of JESUS...what's this guy trying to do to himself?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to stop by my buddy's house a couple times a week to get stoned.  His roommate was an upwardly mobile, very extroverted young woman, and in our intoxicated state, we read excerpts from her bookshelves, to our great amusement.  These included the gamut of the Oprah Book Club and the 'Self-Help' section. One fateful night, wedged between 'How to Win Him Back from the Other Woman' and 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,' we found a slim volume entitled  'The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.'   Gales of laughter ensued as we pored over the accompanying illustrations. Of course, we stole it and gave it to my friend for his birthday.  His girlfriend was not amused.  
  When I found myself almost on the verge of wanting to turn on the television and let it pass the time for me, I knew it was time to take action.  So I baked (and ate) a whole pan of brownies, brewed (and drank) a pot of jasmine tea, and did cryptic crossword puzzles long into the night.  
  She was 23, but less than 5' and looked about 15, with stunning red hair and curves that wouldn't end (Hi, Alice!).  Given that I was 39, one night we dressed her as a hooker, complete with sprayed-on red minidress and 5" FMQ* heels, and went out to dinner at La Groceria in Cambridge.  I've never seen such a collection of glances, almost exactly split down the middle by sexes: outright outrage from the women, outright jealousy from the men.  Life was good.  *Fuck Me Quick, in case you don't know  
  It is best to eat a combination of eggs, beans, corn, and beef.  They give you great farts.  The corn is just for the corn shit you can make later, which you should not flush.  
  My cousin was required to read The Mists of Avalon for skool. He decided to take the easy way out and borrowed tape recordings of the story from the library.  We opened the package containing a number of tapes to find a spider egg sac. It opened and baby spiders went everywhere. Like an explosion of tiny translucent evil spores with legs.  Don't touch his dog. it was rolling around on the carpet where the little fuckers escaped.  
  the small string of snotty phlegm ran down the side of the virgin glass of markers sigh the cause of the ejecta was a comment that rang in my head for days later a man attempting to shake off a nubile young stalkerchick stated stop conga ing in my fuckchain bitch what a blowoff line   
  my entire dating career can basically be summed up in a comment my first boyfriend said to me the first (and only) time i took my pants off in front of him.  "your mother still buys your underwear, doesn't she?"  
  The puzzling thing about cocaine psychosis is that the afflicted is completely oblivious to his or her condition in general and personality transformation in particular.  Very LB to see on all accounts....   
  4am in the net cafe I used to work in and the place is empty 'cept for the woman who's been after me for months..  So there we end up - having sex on the couch - the big one in the stores street facing display window - all hot and steamy - occasionally you hear a car go past and slow as it passes - one car stops.  My moms at the door.  
  i had a girlfiend named claire who loved to fuck all the time, especially in public. we were out on the dunes of an isolated northern california beach with a friend and his girlfriend. i lifted up claire's skirt and banged her on the sandy incline, but i kept sliding down the slope and out of coitus. my friend got below me and held my feet steady till i came. thanks eric!!!  
  sometimes, during the height of sexual passion, you just have to express yourself in some base vernacular.  I'd never talk that way in an actual conversation with one of my men.  I prefer to surround myself with people who know how to turn a phrase.  but during sex, I lower the bar.    it doesn't have to be grammatically correct:  "oh, you're fucking me so good."  it doesn't have to match my religious views (or lack thereof):  "ohhhh god, that's nice, jesus christ...!"  it doesn't have to be politically correct:  "that's right, bitch, you suck my cock."  but please.  I have but one request.  don't get the anatomy wrong.  that just gets so awkward.  me: "mmm, that feels great, baby." him: "oh yeah.  I love the way your cock -- your PUSSY... feels... uh... ohhhhh." me: "..." him: "..." me: "..." him: "..." me: "leg cramp! leg cramp! stop!"  a lesson for you all.  
  i was watching mtv, around 3:00 am. couldnt sleep. anyway, there was this britney spears show on tv. i watching it, and the next thing i know i am on the floor masturbating. a couple seconds before i was about to cum, it went to a commercial. i was forced to bust a nut while watching a fast food commercial. i am considering taking mtv to court for the emotional scars i have suffered.  
  I was talking to my boss at his dining room table. He was outlining some projects he wanted me to get done, and I was obediently taking notes.  Then I noticed his housemate put a big crucifix in the middle of the table. Jesus was held to it with a screw that went through the back of the cross and into his ass. As if that wasn't funny enough, I immediately thought "Jesus: He took it up the ass for your sins."  It didn't help that I had about 4 cups of coffee already. I could barely contain myself. I bit my lip so hard it started bleeding, but my boss just kept talking like nothing was wrong.  
  I'm part American Indian. I won't say which tribe. In my research and readings, I discovered two items, which proved to me that humans are, in general, the same everywhere at any time.  1) In the past, when an American Indian woman became old and her husband died, if she didn't have a male relative to take responsibility for her well being, she was excluded from the tribe. Being alone and old with no protection, she soon died.  2) After the "Trail of Tears" when the "five civilized tribes" had been removed from Mississippi and forced to move to the new Indian Territory in Oklahoma, some of the Indians did manage to live a good life. That "good life" included owning African slaves.   
  moments like saying, "she was a horrible lay." only to have her mother be behind you, leave me discontent. at least on some level the person who overheard the comment knows it is true, so it is not lowbrow.  on a better note, Pabst Blue Ribbon is now in bottles.  
  I have this compulsion that requires that I turn the lights out on someone while they are in one of the stalls of a public restroom.  I achieved nirvana when I shut out the lights on 3 unsuspecting people, taking dumps in 3 seperate stalls in the bathroom in my office.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         --Quote-- I had an actual email address I used when posting here, but after a series of abusive letters from jesus freaks and those peta crapheads, I let it go.  I get enough of that kind of thing at work.  - cheerleader@yercrotch.com  --/Quote--  Dammit, that would make it worth doing, and hey, i give money to peta   
  Last four times I've gone to WalMart, the greeter has been a retarded guy. Is this a job requirement or does having that job do that to you?  Or maybe just going there has an effect... otherwise why would I be wondering about the redundancy of 'tards in WalMart?   
  For self analysis, make a list of things that have been put into your ass.         
  being played out by a 20 year old boy...  Just as well I faked...   
  My 10th grade science teacher. Throughout the school year, she would stop her lessons to tell us stories about her dysfunctional family   like taking trips all over the city with her drunk uncle on weekends, or her abusive father who is now in prison.  One day, all the science teachers were told they had to teach their students about illegal drugs   specifically marijuana (which "less than one out of five high school students" use, the brochure claimed).   So she went along teaching the lesson about marijuana, just as she was expected to. And, quite suddenly, she said that no one has ever been chemically addicted to weed, and proceeded to tell us how to use a bong in the middle of class.  A day or two later, I happened to mention this to some of my adult friends. There was a party a couple of weeks later which my mother took me to. I had forgotten about the lesson on marijuana by this time, until suddenly they brought out a bong. Knowing full well I'm not into drugs, they handed it to me and jokingly told me to show them how my teacher had taught me to use it. Which would have been fine and dandy, except that they failed to notice (or care) that my mother was in the room....  
  In a dimly lit motel room in the middle of the afternoon she lies open for me. Inviting me in to her soft golden flesh, beckoning with her grin, warm in spirit and soft in flesh. "It doesn't get any better than this." I thought. Little did I know that the truth of that statement would haunt me for years to come.       
  how many times does it take for it to become an affair? More than 2? 3? 12? does it have to involve time periods? days? months?  is it an affair if you have sex w/ someone 3 times other than your mate in one night? Or is that a one night stand? or is that a one night stand?   what if it lasted 2 weeks? is that an affair, or just cheating? Who decides these distinctions?  too bad I'll never be assassinated since I'm not powerful/famous. I can only be murdered  
  I was in the hospital, about to get my pinky amputated, when the nurses start to surround me, bent on removing my piercings. A hot blonde who apparently had tried out to be a Vikings cheer- leader, took down the top of my hospital gown, and examined my nipple piercings, determining how to go about removing them.   Had my left pinky not been a bloody piece of bone, I would've had quite the girl-boner.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          A Thoughtful Christmas Present  My old high school sweetheart discovers an untitled CD-R in a drawer. It contains letters and photos of various unclothed women, including some who are friends and acquaintances of hers.  Intrigued, she reads some of the letters, which serially promise the various bimbos that he'll soon be dumping his frumpy frau and spending the rest of eternity in bliss with them. This surprises her, because he often tells her of his undying love for her and his desire that they spend eternity together. Up until that moment, she had lived her life believing in love, honesty, loyalty, and a bunch of other things that she is now embarrassed about. She and I get into a quick e-mail huddle. I counsel her to suck in her gut, make him a nice dinner, and say not a word. I explain that it might take us a few months to get her ducks in a row. We quickly discover things like secret life insurance policies which would pay out in excess of a million euros. She s not named as the benefactor on any of them. A German divorce lawyer explains that if anything were to happen to him, she d get the money anyway. I get a rather predictable idea, but she quickly nixes it, dammit. We eventually decide it s time to blow her cover, and have fun coming up with creative ways. I finally suggest:  For Christmas, give him the lyric sheet of the old Christmas song:  She knows when you are sleeping, She knows when you re awake, She knows when you ve been bad and good, So be good, for goodness sake.  Leave it out on the kitchen counter, beside an old, rusty razor blade and a very small jar of formaldehyde.    
  When I was in elementary school there were playground monitors.  One of them was this old piece of trash that could be the identical twin of the old lady in the movie, "The Goonies".  Mrs. Fertelli I think she was, the goons' mother there.  One time this woman was yelling at me and I was arguing with her.  And she screamed at me to go back inside and sit down b/c my playtime was over according to her.  I stook there, quiet and reserved once she said that, contemplating in my young mind what to do.  Then after a few seconds she had to rub it in and yelled "HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!?!?!"  The only response that came to mind, I said: "I think those apples are freakin rottin you stupid heffer!"  Oh boy, it was great.  It's not genius material, but I was in elementary school, give me credit.  It was after I said that, she chased after me all over the place, she coulnd't catch me and never got me in trouble.  
  At my family's lakehouse I used to try and see girls naked in the shower.  There was this one girl I desperately wanted to see naked because she had amazing tits.  But, despite my efforts, I never saw them.  I was such a horny little bastard.  Still am.  
  It's sad when someones idea of hot, erotic night involves a Gatorade bottle with warm water in it, a latex glove, K-Y Jelly, and a can of Tuna Fish.        
  My dog used to love rolling in shit..well he still does but now knows that he'll get in trouble..so doesnt do it too often.   He used to be afraid of the word "bath" but now i just neiff him and he gets scared..i then say "you smell like doody" and he runs out of the room. i feel bad though...i used to be a giant coke head and i sniffed a lot and he always looked panicked.  I didn't realize it at the time.  I just thought he knew i was speeded up.   Poor poochie.  
  i read somewhere that, after a break-up, a woman will cry for three days straight, eat nothing but ice cream right out of the carton, and devise some kind of "closure ritual" (usually involving voodoo hexes and the ex's genitalia).    after a break-up, a man will get stinking drunk one night six months later and call her up at 3 AM and simultaneously cuss her out and beg her to come back.    i'm sorta looking forward to June.  
    I once worked with a snaggle-toothed, cock-eyed, 6'6" 40 year old severe alcaholic who was a street punk in his youth. He would sing The Safety Dance in loud-ass Sinatra style when he was working pit until our manager would come out and make him shut up (and stop scaring the customers).        
  Went to Temecula with my mom. She made me take pictures of her in front of every tourist trap antique shop, the Ye Olde Jailhouse, and this resturaunt that has had the same menu since the Goldrush.  At my request, she took one picture of me.  In front of the Discount Wheelchair City.  It's on her fridge.  I really love my mom.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i think lowbrow should be tested for drug content,  because it's definately addictive.  
  Every time I tell a girl that I wish I could be a girl for a day so I can stick random household items in my pussy, they all say, "It's not like that!"    Yeah right.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I track my girlfriend's period on my Palm Pilot  
  On Fox's World's Scariest Videos or whatever that's called, once they showed this guy who was like a NASCAR paramedic tending to a driver who had crashed, and then another car spins out of control and slams into this guy and flips him.  This guy goes about 10 feet and does a 360 backflip from getting hit by the car.  My friend has it on tape.  Each time we see it, we laugh our asses off.  Man, if that isn't lowbrow, I don't know what is.  
  The car: a 1972 VW Bug with an 8-speaker custom sound system, complete with 1 pair of 12-inch subwoofers.  The album: Insane Clown Posse's "The Amazing Jekyll Brothers"  The song: "Fuck the World", where the word fuck is said 93 times in the space of little more than 3 minutes.  Probably not the best thing to be playing on a Saturday morning in the summertime at a very crowded gas station.  But man! did I ever get attention!  
  I played JV football my freshman year of high school. There was a really slutty cheerleader who was rumored by many to give awesome head.  I balked at the opportunity at a basketball game she showed up to.  This was back when I had my "high moral standard."  Boy was I fuckin' stupid.  
  I click on the little arrows near the upper right corner of this box, knowing full well that they do nothing. You've done it too, haven't you?  We share a lowbrow, yes?    
  "Daddy? What's this?" He holds up a yard-long blue thing, with pipes coming out of it and going back in. At the top is a round hole, and at the bottom there's something that looks like a little pipe bowl. I hate lying to my son. Kids need the truth, every day. I shrug: "Oh, just some piece of plumbing for the motorhome..."  
        For attending a certian university, I was given a new computer.  However, this computer has had major malfunctions at least once a month since I hooked it up 9 months ago.  The tech support for the company was easily perplexed by it's problems.  Recently I bought a gamepad for it made by microsoft, since my computer is inhabited by satan's minions, the gamepad dosen't work, naturally.  A call to microsoft technical support (whch is bsed 2 timezones away) can't solve the problem either.  after 2 hours on the phone, long distance, they decide to call me bac in the morning because they have no clue.  Who'd have thought that my computer could stump the company that runs the world's technology?  I mean really, I know my computer is posseed, but I thought Bill Gates & Satanwere inkahoots?  
  In all the years that I went to church, there was only one question I wanted to ask the priest.  "If we are all brothers and sisters in the eyes of the lord, isn't there a lot of incest going on?"  I'm going to burn in hell aren't I?        
  we spent a good hour on the streetcorner, and a good 45 minutes of that was talking to a crazy old bearded fella whose breath stank of cheap bourbon. he challenged us to a push-up contest, mumbling some story about working out in the clink, and i gave him another buck even when i beat him. the show started late as hell, and the opener was a cross between garbage and monster-era r.e.m. nothing earth-shattering, but a good warm-up for the real dj set. we wandered around the club and ran into a few friends. when we had to leave for her 2:00 curfew, they hadn't even come on yet.  
  So this guy had ice cream thrown at his car, and not by me. It was thrown by a guy who just happened to be riding in my car for the evening.  The feller who's car it landed on (Who we do know, he's not just some stranger on the street) takes the ice cream cone, and gets in his car. At this same point, I'm in my car, when I suddenly realize something.  "He's going to throw that cone at my car. I don't want ice cream on my car, and I didn't throw it at him to begin with."  So I get out of the car, and I tell him, in no uncertain terms, not to throw the fucking ice cream at my fucking car, because I didn't throw it at his. Someone else did, and that ain't my fault.        He responds by spitting in the cone, saying "Too bad" and throwing it anyway.  So I do what any guy would've done. I picked the cone up, and threw it back.   I'd like to make it known at this point that I couldn't hit a barn at point-blank range with a rocket-launcher.  It's not my fault he had started to drive away.  It's not my fault his window was rolled down.  And it ain't my fault that the combination of these things placed a fair bit of ice cream inside his car.  I told him not to throw it.   
  waiting. the light says 'don't walk'. a cop car sits next to us. my drunk roomate jumps on his board and skates across the intersection. we follow. the cop fires up his cherries, runs the light, and commands us to stop. we do, he pulls up next to us. cop "how old are you?" me "twentyseven." (i am) "wha... what? shouldn't you be old enough to know the goddamn difference between walk and don't walk?" "i mean no offense, sir, but i am also old enough to know the difference between cars approaching and cars not approaching." "wha... what? you... uh... do you want a fucking $110 jaywalking ticket?" "not really sir." he glares at me. "then have a nice night" and he peels off. yes.  yes i will.  
  I commiserate with straight girls, because straight boys expect you to perform expert oral acrobatics even though they have no idea of the difficulty and skill required in swallowing cock.  But, if it makes you feel any better, gay guys are held to an even higher standard. After all, the guy I'm giving head to KNOWS the art of deep throating.  
  I was talking to a friend who'd ended a relationship recently.  He said that he "farted his way out of it."  I didn't ask how or why, but I've always admired that kind of refreshing honesty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you know people are really lame and reading way too much into the simplest shit when they a assume the shite i write is poetry instead of being too fucking lazy to punctuate or hit the damn shift key b intellectual  read that  something to fear cos they have a hard time reading anything that isnt first chewed up and attached to a pretty colorful pie chart ala usatoday c postmodern whatever the fuck that is jese get a fuckng life you over intellectualizing self agrandizing mutherfuckers about ninetyninepointnine percent of those reading know the shits just lowbrow read that in either perspective oh i mean point of view is that easier or in subject matter whatthefuck   
  i'm doing what all you other fuckers are doing: sitting at the computer way late at night in my underwear. the difference? my underwear is really sexy.  
  A few weeks ago I saw my brother yawn and a thought suddenly struck me: after years of stuffing as much food into his mouth as he possibly could every time he ate, my brother had streched out his mouth to the point where he can practically unhinge his jaw.    And, consequently, would be great at giving blowjobs.  
  so back in the day, this girl and i are totally in love, and she buys me this pair of boxers for my birthday.  every special occasion with her, i wear them; it's our private little thing, you know? anyway, the chick breaks up with me, so i didn't really know what to do with the boxers.  i couldn't wear them, cause of the memories they'd bring back. fastforward a couple years, a girl "stays the night," and asks if i have any shorts she can wear. why yes, i have just the pair *grin*   
  I asked my friend Conway once why he put salt in his beer. "You know what, I really don't know." he said, "My Dad always used to put a little salt in his beer. When I asked him why he said it was because his father had always put salt in his beer." I found this very interesting. A few days later at the bar I saw some guy sprinkle salt in his beer. "Hey, why do you put salt in your beer? Is it because your father put salt in  his  beer?" The guy looked at me like I was a complete imbecile. "It keeps me from getting the draft beer shits in the morning."  
  I actually used the phrases "i'm chompin' at the bit" and "sure as sunshine" to describe my business plans to a higher-up in my company today, all just for fun.  He didn't bat an eye, and in fact nodded in agreement.  God I hate corporate America, even if its only because they don't get my jokes.   
  Perhaps even more low than finding a child's money and not giving it back...  When I was little, my parents took us to some theme park. My dad was one scary looking guy at this point in time. We were standing in line to get in to the park or to get on a ride and y dad finds $50 on the ground right there. He may be scary looking, but he's an honest guy, so he looks around for an owner. We see this frantically looking around on the ground. Dad walks up to him and says, "Hey kid, is this your money?" The kid starts freaking out. He's terrified, completely TERRIFIED of my dad. He just took off in a dead sprint.   My dad kept the $50.        
  He says he'll be taking x with the girl whose ass he craves. My immediate response is that he'll fuck her brains out, probably. But he's a little concerned that his brain might be messed up by the double whammy of an orgasm and taking ecstasy. He thinks that it will mean he'll never be able to have real pleasure again. Despite having no experience with the drug I agree that a flood of saratonin like that could mess him up. So I suggest that he not take the pill, let her take it, then he bangs her brains out and is still safe.  He asks about what is she gets messed up. I think for a minute. We agree that if she isn't able to get happiness again, she might become convinced that only this guy can give her "plezzzer." So this night between the two will be setting up other fuckings in advance. Now that's what I call looking at the long run  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My legs hurt.  My arms hurt.  My stomach hurts.  Fuck; my whole body hurts.  I can barely lift my legs high enough to walk up stairs.  My stomach still feels like it's on fire after all those situps.  Anyways, that's 1100 calories burned today at least.  All in pursuit of that perfect image.  And it does matter.  
  my friend has a dance we call the blowjob dance.  it's mostly just really bizarre gyrations, and you grab one of your boobs and shake it periodically.  it signifies that she has just given a blowjob.  
  My mom called me last night.  Here is our conversation.   Mom:  So have you been doing anything fun after work lately? Me:   Not much really. Mom:  You know you really ought to find a girl, or a nice guy to date.   You know it's been a while when even your mother is questioning your sexuality.  Thanks Mom for making my day a little brighter.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         word to the wise...  a) I grew up reading MAD and Cracked magazine. Watched a lot of I love Lucy, Brady Bunch and Scooby Doo. b) Didnt go to college, barely finished school. c) I now pull down 100K per year working for myself.   Public Enemy said it best.....  ..... Dont believe the hype!     
  We were only one week away from moving out of the apartment complex from hell, where we were surrounded by neighbors from hell.  So me and my roommate brother decided to adopt the Let's Fuck With The Neighbors! attitude, since we were moving out anyway.  I mean, what could the leasing office do about it...kick us OUT?!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! we'd laugh in glee.  So we set up camp every afternoon of our last week on our second floor balcony, and proceeded to do everything we could to antagonize our neighbors and innocent bystanders.  The sidewalk below our balcony became a bullseye target of mayhem and confusion.  Anybody who walked by was heckled and antagonized.  It was the place where we disposed of the old, smelly, rotting and sour food/drinks from the fridge.  It became the final resting place of turds from the cat's litter box, narrowly missing landing on someone's head as they ducked and shot us nasty looks, as we just laughed some more.  All the while as my brother perched on the rails, in his holey wife beater, swigging a Mickey's 40, and puffing his Newports, proudly proclaiming, Ya, I'm white trash!  So what?  At least I admit it!    Needless to say, the week culminated with him getting into a drunken altercation with the child beating neighbors next door:  a drunken brawl with the dad, firing off his pellet gun from the patio, (still swigging that Mickey's all the while) grazing the wife's arm with a pellet, getting the cops called, and then getting tossed in the pen.  I spent 2 grand to get his felony charge of attempted assault with a "deadly" weapon reduced to a misdemeanor.  Nobody there will ever forget us though!   
  i walked into the bar, saw my friend sitting there, and declared, "man, ritalin and beer make a great combination."  he looked up and said, "nah, man. ritalin, beer, weed, and codeine."  i thought to myself, "was there anything left of him to enjoy it?"  
  I've decided that if given a choice between world peace and getting instant gratifying revenge on everyone who has ever wronged me or pissed me off, all you fuckers are going down.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)                                                    When someone at work asks you how your doing, do you ever consider that they really don't want to hear an answer?  Me neither  
  If human piss were flammable, the history books would be much changed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So here's the description of the guy in question:  He's about 5' 9", weighs in at an unhealthy 110lbs, is dirty, stinky and drunk beyond any reasonable level.  There's an unmistakable odour that just screams "I've just pissed my pants!".  For some reason, the soles of his hands were pitch black with grime...like he had been crawling a LOT.    So dude sloshes over to me and manages,"Hey, would you like to buy a two-six?".  There's no bottle anywhere.  I politely decline his offer (fuck off) and he begins to make his way to the center of the bus (which is packed).    (ASIDE:  For this next portion, you must imagine that the character played by Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's is on the bus...Mr. Yunioshi.  You remember...he was the HORRIBLE Asian stereotype that lived upstairs from her and was always complaining about the noise.  "Mrs. Go-rite-ree!!".  Yeah him, he's on the bus and Mr. Stinky Pants is using him as support so he doesn't fall over.)  So I suddenly hear (in the voice of Mr. Yunioshi) ,"BACK OFF!!  Don't touch my bod-ee!!  Just BACK OFF!!".  It's getting heated and increasingly surreal.  People are starting to form a circle around the pair and are looking back and forth between each other.  Eyes begin to roll as the exchange picks up momentum.  "Just FUCKING BACK OFF OF ME!!  STOP TOUCHING ME!!!".  That's when the confrontation reached an apex...  Mr. Stinky Pants turns 180 degrees from our Asian hero and begins to climb over the back of the seats nearest to him...much to the dismay of the young ladies who are seated there.  He climbs over the next set of seats in front of him and promptly pushes himself out of the open window up to his waist.  There is screaming from the more squeamish and chants of "JUMP! JUMP!" from the hardcores.  Mr. SP then spins about and is sitting on the ledge with just his legs inside...but only for a moment because the movement of the bus (of course the bus is still moving through all of this commotion) causes him to flip backwards so that only his ankles are inside.  He's precariously hanging out of the window of the moving bus by his ankles.  Cirque de Soliel, kiss his ASS.  A lady now begins to panic and is screaming to the driver to stop the bus...which he does.  You guessed it, just enough momentum to knock SP straight onto the ground.  It was amazing!!!  Everyone was stunned into complete silence, until "Mr. Yunioshi" suggested to the driver that we continue.  And we did.  Just like that.    (Mr. SP was fine, by the way.  I believe the expression "go limp" applies here.)       
  I had an ex whose last name was Gaye. Her grandfather, who lived with them, had the last name of Hoar.  For the longest time, they answered the phone "Gaye-Hoar residence".  True story.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My immature 16 year old girlfriend had lied to me.  She said she was sick, so I shouldn't come over that night.  I called her up later to check on her and she was out with some people.  I called her cell phone and got a hold of her.  In the background I heard these two guys laughing.  In full serious I said, "Tell me where you are, and I'm going to crack those fucking guys heads in."  She said they were laughing at something else.  I said fine.  After she hung up I still punched my windshield.  For the next 3 months I was reminded of that conversation by the fact that I had to lean to the far right to see.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The week after September 11th, my school got a bomb threat.  They did not send us home.  Rather, they let us sit out on the bleachers by the football field for an hour.  They told us it was a fire drill.    Which totally explained the dogs, and random policemen on the roof.  Bastards.  
  The hand-job was perfect...she had lube...he was hot...and just as he reached the pinacle of orgasm...he farted.       
   The Idiot Light  I don't service my wife's car, ever since we split up. I borrow it and drive somewhere at 65mph, when I notice the oil light is on (you have perhaps fifteen seconds to shut the engine off before you destroy it). Shit! I shut off the ignition, put it in neutral, and pull over. I wonder when she last checked her oil? I check the oil, but it's full. I feel the engine, but it feels cool. I check the gauges, but they all look normal. I should park it and hitch, but I'm intrigued. I start it, and the light goes out. Hmmm. I rev it up, and the light comes on. Makes no sense. Looks like everything is fine, and she just has a bad idiot light sensor. I should still park it, in case, but hey, it's not MY car. I drive home with the light going on and off. Wife: "Oh yeah, it's being doing that for a month or so. Should I have been worried?" I guess idiot lights don't quite go far enough. How about an idiot horn?  
  The most excercise I getting is from masturbating. At first I was ashamed  that I was such a lazy shit. Then I said to myself that if that was the only excercise I get, then embrace it instead of running from it. Then I accidentally cut my dick with my nail while I was masturbating. Now I can't even touch my dick with out screaming out in pain.  
  i lost my wallet once, about 15 years ago.  it was never returned.  i have found 3 wallets since then, and i have always kept the cash, and returned the rest of the wallet.  i figure if you are careless enough to lose your wallet, you don't deserve the cash.    
  Thowing rancid eggs at tents at a camp ground at 3AM for no particular reason, and some guy decides he wants a little vigilante justice, and chases us.  We were on bikes, and were content being chased.  We let him hover about 50 feet behind us.  After about 15 minutes of this, it got old, so we pelted him with some leftover eggs.  Then we went back to his tent, and covered it with whatever we had left.  The lowbrow part is we worked at the camp ground, and were the ones that he reported the incident to.  Sadly, we never found the culprits.  
  I like to throw trash in Taco Bell parking lots, it's my way of keeping drug dealers off the street. Since I throw trash in the parking lot, Taco Bell has to pay some whacko money to pick up the trash. If he doens't have a job picking up trash then he's gonna end up selling drugs on the street to our kids to make money.   
  He'd had too much to drink. I helped him crawl from the bathroom floor into bed, making sure he had a puke bucket, a towel, water, and aspirin within reach. I patted his back reassuringly as he retched again. He lays back in bed, and says almost thoughtfully, "You know, I fuck around with other people, not just you...."  
  So I used to go out drinking with this one crew and we'd frequently hit karaoke bars. Our goal was to start fights but leave before we got involved. We'd grab other men's asses, knock people's pool cues out of their hands, bring liquor and beer into the bars, hit on people's girlfriends in front of them, and do REALLY bad karaoke.   So one night we're at this sushi resturant that hosts a karaoke night after 8. The beer specials begin after I've been drinking whiskey all night, and I switch to the ultimate in disgust: the one-dollar Budweiser draft.   Drunk.  Quiet night - Sing a little Johnny Cash, Duran Duran, and the Who - until we see a limo pull up outside. This kid we called "Pee Wee Herman" (because of how much he loved him) grabs me, points, and yells "Let's go throw beer at them!" This strikes me as a great idea - so we run out, one-dollar drafts in hand.   Two Japanese guys grab us on the way out: "NO BEER OUTSIDE!!!" Ok, we say, and I put mine down. Pee Wee doesn't listen and shoves the guys aside. They grab him and throw him out of the bar. They grab me: "What is his name!" I don't tell them. They kick me out, and tell me if they see us in there again, they're going to call the cops. Pee Wee goes out to his car and gets some empty beer bottles to throw at the bar's glass doors and windows before taking off.   Me, I snuck back in, sang a rousing chorus of "I Walk The Line", and got completly trashed on cheap beer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is a lot of chatter on here regarding masturbation practices and appropriate receptacles vs. tissue, etc. All I have to say is that Kleenex makes some paper towels called Viva. Check them out. When I was single I had a roll of them on my headboard. How's that for lowbrow?    
  Three drunks and the better part of a keg. What to do? See how long you can stay under the tap. Three drunks in a trailer park kitchen with a keg, vomiting ice cold beer into the trashcan holding the iced keg.  
  i was at a friend's house, and I was looking through her books. She had this really dumb, childish book on her shelf. I said, with a snotty tone, "who would waste their money on this book? its a piece of shit!". My friend then gave me a sad look, and said "you got it for me for my birthday last year!!"  woops!  
  My husband, brother and I go to visit my in-laws for a college football game one weekend.  We stay with my in-laws in their posh condo in the heart of their little college town.    Now my in-laws are nice, but they are the quintessential upper-middle-class family.  Aloof, tidy, extra-expensive everything in their condo/penthouse.    We drive into town late and decide to go to a bar, leaving my in-laws to go to bed early.  We drink heavily and head back to his parents condo.  My brother and I are both totally trashed and go smoke a bowl on his parents' balcony.  Suddenly and simultaneously, we both have a flashback of being in New Orleans on a balcony.  We both start hanging off my in-laws 4th-floor balcony, drunkenly yelling at other drunk people walking below.  "Hey, Hey you! I can see you pissin' in that bush!"  "Hey fucker, where's the party?"  At that, our fun ended.  The "fucker" we yelled at started going insane.  His 4 friends tried restraining him as, but something about the way I (as a girl) grabbed my crotch and "Oh, yeah!" 'd himjust sent him into a rage.  He somehow wrestled away from his 4 buddies, got through 2 security points, up to our exact condo and began screaming and kicking my in-laws door.  Loudly.  At 3am.  Trying to kick in my in-laws $10,000 stained glass and mahogany door.    My father-in-law came downstairs, having been waken up, and started bitching at my husband.  Who shamelessly, in a moment of pure selfishness and lowbrow splendor, proceeded to pass the blame entirely onto me and my brother.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a bad, bad dream.    I unlock the door, put my keys and wallet on the table, yell, "Hey, I'm home!"  My wife, from the kitchen, announces she's cooking dinner.  I come in and, feeling a little like a couple in a commercial, I put my arms around her as she stands by the stove.  With one hand I lift the lid on the pot.  It's a long curved turd boiling in urine.  
  I was separated from the diners at The Waterboy by nothing more than a pane of glass and a few feet of dusty Sacramento air. Some of them stared at me over their fettuccini. Others pointedly looked away.   I'm not the sort of person who usually attracts much attention. But then, I'm not usually throwing up Rubicon Pale Ale on the sidewalk either.   
  There are a severe lack of websites devoted the the compulsive chicken shouter.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Clearing The Table  What could possibly be better? I have two utterly beautiful women over for dinner. Just them and me. Nobody is going home tonight, in my mind. They don't really know each other, but while I'm hopefully working magic in the kitchen, they become close pals in no time. Then they suddenly get domestic. They clear the table and set it. I walk into the dining room and my jaw drops. The table is looking wonderful, but  where the hell is my hash?  I had an easy hundred dollars worth of god hash sitting out on that table! They didn't even notice it! They thought it was crumbs and threw it away! And there's no way to communicate this to them, of course. Sure, I'll end up the evening with both of them in bed, just for snuggles, but snuggles are absolutely just fine by me. But I can't help visualizing tommorow: Perhaps several hours of sifting through my trash can...  
  I was bored. So I took out a pen and drew some eyes and a nose on the head of my penis. I held a brief conversation with my penis about declining quality of tv shows, all while laughing my ass off. The face just looked so goddamn funny. I kept laughing and laughing. I got up and was about to run over to someone's house and show them when I realized just how fucked that would be. Then I realized there was really no one I could share the funniest thing I had ever done with.   Oh well. I always have lowbrow.  **************************************** Sounds like someone needs a penis cape.  Then you can solve mysteries together.      
  On the cusp of blissful sleep. My husband rolls over. The bed sheets shift. The Dutch Oven is opened.  "Good GOD! What did you eat today?!"  
  ICECREAM pt. 2  It finally occurred to me to put a small scoop of peanut butter in the microwave, cook it, and drizzle the resulting liquid P.B. "sauce" over chocolate icecream.  Duh. It's quite good.         
  was at lunch yesterday with a cute new girl from work.  she's engaged.  i'm pretty sure i'm engaged (which is a whole different story).  she starts oogling over an infant at a table across from ours.  starts talking about how she's ready to have kids (she's in her upper 20's).  my comment:  "you know what causes them, right?"  her response: "yeah, and I've been telling the old bastard he better start working on it or I'm going to start wearing a big sign around my neck soliciting donors"  i choked on my sandwich, then proceeded to spill my drink while grasping for it.  ahhhh, love  
  yeah, she said, they were bulimic together.  she taught him how to throw up.  at least they could bond over something, was all i could say.  
  Some guys look good when they haven't shaved  The rugged Indiana Jones 5 o'clock shadow thing  I just look like a hobo that's been shaving with a broken bottle.  Cleaned myself up and went with my friends to the bars one night  After 3 1/2 hours and 6 rejections, I go home, jack off, and neglect to shave for the next couple weeks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         reading all these moments is like standing next to a circle of bullies laughing about the plan to pick on the half retarded fat kid.  yeah it makes me laugh and the anticepation and knowledge of the oncoming onslaught is empowering, one never notices that they have been the half retarded fat kid... and everyone laughs at you too.  
        Ahh, Easter.  The holiday that celebrates Jesus being reborn and coming out of his cave to see if there's six more weeks of Winter.  
  Out drinking with friends and after several rum and cokes and about 3 bowls we head to the bars. There are only really three bars in Williamsburg, and my boyfriend is working the door at one of them. We go to the one next door for a while but after a bit I get bored and walk outside to talk to him. I don't remember much after that, other than his friend taking me away to get more drinks after a bit and then sitting back on the steps telling him how fucked up I am.  Next morning, I wake up with blue marker all over me. Both arms, legs, and stomach covered with scribbles and a shell-shaped stamp. Apparently I thought it was a good idea to decorate myself with the stamp used to mark people over 21 and the marker used to mark people under 21. I drew suns on my right side and clouds with rain on my left.   My boyfriend also informs me of what we had been talking about all that time on the front steps. I had told him that while I was in the other bar, I gave everyone that walked in "bedroom eyes". I was "staring down everyone--male and female--that walked through the door and I had to leave because now everyone in the place wants to fuck me."   All I can do is shake my head at myself.   
  When I masturbate, I talk dirty to myself...it helps expedite things.  
  Grocery clerk entry #22: Today I watched a frustrated mother admonish her misbehaving son by whacking him over the head with a 30" crusty baguette.  
  I thought the reaction would be priceless: buying condoms, rubber gloves, KY *and* dog buscuits, all at the same time.  But something told me the clerk had seen much worse combinations.  
  My brother has a drug problem, and I'm beginning to worry that he's going to get hurt.  More specifically, the problem is that he keeps using MY drugs, and if he doesn't stop, I'm going to have to hurt him.  
        I have read with interest many of the moments on this site..and while I cannot contrive a single moment to equal or surpass any of them, I am often amazed at how empathic I feel after a good lowbrow moment..  Hey!  that was one there (was it not?)  Thanks, e e, tyger, PJaffe, and Fury for making me feel human  Like I needed that  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         some a y'all be bustin the "i'm a regula, i got this ish dialed, i commentin' meta style on the lowbrow" as if its some kinda critical theory of sign and signified.  yo. it ain't.  onetime tamara, a popular girl of significantly darker hue than me, told me on the playground that she liked me (was it my running style? my hops? my breakdancin? prolly not) and when in complete prepubescent befuddlement i told her 'na lady, na' and turned to meet some homies, she (tamara) threw a bigass rock and domed me good.  meta that byoches.  
   The Heyday Of hitchhiking #2  Still 1976, still hitchhiking around the Left Coast, I run into a dry patch. Nothing and nobody will stop for me. I have to walk for miles in the dark, with no place to stay, and in the rain. But I have a couple beers in my pack. I still remember launching the empty bottles into the woods with a feeling of pure freedom (just about the only time I've ever littered - yeah, I'm that pure, so sue me). I eventually find a big shelter beside the road, and bed down in it. I wake in the morning surrounded by human feces and broken bottles. I guess it's an Army staging point that's kind of boring for the guys waiting to be staged. I stick my thumb out for an hour or so, and then a  genuine  hot rod stops, with a couple guys in the front. I get in the back, they hand me a beer and the joint they're smoking. They put on Steve Miller, and I lean back in heaven. Guy driving suddenly says: "Shit! Cops on our tail! Lose the beer!" Me: "What about the J?" Driver: "They don't care about that! Just lose the beer!" Sometimes I still wish I lived in Washington State...  
  i'm camping in the middle of a state park for 3 days, so you figure, eventually i'm going to have to take a big shit.  when that oh-so-glorious time comes, i walk to the outhouse, and as soon as i get 20 feet away from it, i can already smell the shit.  so, i knew i was in for some fun for the next five minutes.  still, there's nothing quite as entertaining as the sound of diarrhea dropping 20 feet into the hole of the outhouse  
  We were going to a college bar and I opted to stick my hair up in several different buns all over my head.  Logic being that small town college guys would avoid the unusual. Rather several of them deemed "I like your buns" as an appropriate pick up line.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Still being young, I have a great idea that will still work.   If I ever really fall in love, and I get my heart broken, I will simply kill the person.  Sure, I probably go to prison, but it makes a great story; and you get decisive closure.    So, be warned: BE NICE.        
  floating around in space and insignificance  should make us understand that that we have better things to do than bash each other  but the thing that kills me is we are willing to bash each other over religion jeez lawheez we really havent wandered too far from the caves have we         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to bring my younger sister to my high school with me one day, because her teachers were on strike and my parents were away.  My chemistry teacher knew how to entertain her - he let her set a match to a balloon filled with flammable gas.  Fwoosh!  Best chemistry experiment all that year.  What he apparently didn't realize is that this pyrotechnic approach to teaching would have been equally, if not more, effective when used on high school teenagers.  
  woo hoo. i've been doing laundry down the hallway, and in the process of hanging it, i discovered i'd aquired a pair of red panties, size eight. too bad they're clean.  
  small potatos make a steak look bigger      
  i picked up a hitchhiker last night, it was cold out and id been in that situation before.  its an older guy, late fourties. im driving back to where im staying and as luck would have it he is going that way too.  woo, hoo.  so im driving along and he tells me about how he was looking for work in rochester ny, and couldnt find anything, i tell him im just coming from olean and he asks if there any work up there, well not being from there i cant tell him, and so the drive is awful quiet.  we are trolling along in the backwoods of upstate ny when i decide that i want a drink, as the whole day is really starting to piss me off.  so we stop, and of course i know he is broke, so i figure ill buy him a beer and i will do the useal whiskey rocks...    three hours later we walk out and i drop him off downtown where he will crash for the night in an all night laundry... i hand him four bucks and wish him well.  best goddamned night ive had in a while shooting the shit with a perfect stranger on my dime...   thanks phil.    
  My roommate said, "There is NO WAY that Britney Spears is a virgin." I said, "Yes there is...if she only does anal, then she's still technically a virgin, right?" He acted like I was some sort of pervert.  I was just making an observation.  
  She was flying coach. The man in front of her was talking loudly about profit amortization; she suspected that he had already peaked career-wise and was on a fiery blaze down.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   Understood Song Lyrics  I could never understand what Steve Miller was saying in "The Joker," but just the line:  "The pumpatous of love." I played it over and over, until the track started skipping, but never could figure it out. Twenty five years later, a movie came out called: "The Pumpatous Of Love," named after the line in that song, which I had heard correctly the first time. Steve Miller, when questioned, answered: "It was just a nonsense word that fit."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The film ends and members of oppsite sexes flock to opposite ends of the theatre lobby to wait in line for a chance to piss. I make my way into the men's bathroom. Inside, guys lined up waiting to use the urinals. Every urinal is taken but one. No self-respecting guy will even attempt the use the child's urinal. a) It's too low. The splash back would cover your calves in piss. b) To avoid a, you'd need to get down on your kness.  I wait in line like everyone else. I'm finally to the front of the line and then a urinal opens up. Unzip and start doing my business. I glance to the left and notice an apparently drunk, older black man stumble up to the children's urinal. He stands up straight, looks down, and takes notice of the distance to the urinals.  "Damn, they's knew I was coming.  Lowered the stall n' all so I don't touch my dick in the water."  I wasn't sure what was funnier. a) a drunk black man making a joke regarding his endowment sterotype b) bunch of white yuppies all laughing at a in a bathroom.  
  My neighbour down the hall is a goddamn asshole.  He cooks boil in the bag fish at 3AM every tuesday, and if that overpowering corpse-waking stench wasn't enough, he always manages to set off the fire alarm at the same time. To make matters worse, he wakes me up at 7AM listening to the fucking TOP GUN soundtrack, and wailing along to "TAKE MY BREAAATH AWAYEEHHOOO".  He is obviously a member of some evil no-effort shit food and bad 80's music cult. Dear lowbrow readers, what should I do?  
  When I hear someone taking a piss, it makes me so nervous that I freeze up, no matter how badly I have to go.  
  John just now:  "I tell  ya, well there was that one hot bitch that Jean Luc got.  She was old but she was pretty fuckin hot.  He knows what he's doin."  Jean Luc Picard that is.  
  Last night I got drunk and had sex for the first time.  I wonder if she still believes that I got my Ph.D. at 20.  I'm not 20 yet and sure don't have my Ph.D.  I doubt if she'll even talk to me when I tell her the truth , assuming I ever even see her again.  I really hope I do....her clit ring was awesome.  
  I met him at a bar. We were hanging out, and I realized he was from Florence, so I asked if he knew my friend Smith. He did, and laughed about how cool Smith was. He talked about how he had seen a random lowbrow posted about Smith. That was me, I said. You're PUCK?! he squealed. With the orgies and all?  The whole bar turned to stare at the shouted word "orgy". I dropped my head down and admitted that yes, I was that Puck. ~puck~   
  Thunderclouds boiled in the sky.  Big, fat drops began to fall on our heads.  "Hurry!" he said, "Hurry, run, or we'll get wet!"  "No!" said I, "Don't run in unfamiliar woods!  You'll break your--"        Him:  "Aieee!  My ankle!  It's broken!"  ==========  Sometimes "I told you so" doesn't even begin to cover it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A lowbrow just came up, a limbo one, and damn it looked good. I was starting to drool as I read the opening lines when - holy shit! no, i didn't accidentally hit the reload button. It's just that my motherfucking monitor exploded. I'm not kidding. Not exploding in the sense of the screen exploded and gas shards flew into my face. It just went back, when really loud snap crackle pops came from the back of my monitor. Then smoke came out.  Damn you, Limbo. My petty little 19-inch monitor couldn't handle your words. Certainly a compliment to the caliber of your brows, paid in the blood of my monitor and my wasted money on a viewsonic piece of shit.  
  Last night after really good sex my boyfriend got up and looked at the bed and said "Gee, thanks for the great big wet spot."  "No, no, thank YOU for the great big orgasm."  
  My greatest joy in life is to go to my favorite club.  It's like Cheers, everyone knows my name. My friends are there, I can hang out and be comfortable.  When I get on the floor, people stop and take notice. My bright lights and spinning glowsticks get a crowd of onlookers whenever I start dancing; its the perfect ego trip.  I'm a shallow, self-absorbed, attention whore, but it beats not being noticed at all.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He slimed up to me at the bar and said "Hey gorgeous, I'll have whatever you're having."  So I looked at the barman and said "This man would like a horrendous moment where a slimy bastard thinks he has a chance."  "...with ice?"    
  don't drink much anymore. but the othernight we all decided to get drunk. really drunk.  had a vid camera. thought it would be fun to try and freestyle to some instrumentals.  sounded good while we were drunk everyone was having a good time. kev said I was good at it.  next day we watched it.  I can't cary a beat.  it was like 15 seconds between each line. that's how hard it was to rhyme at the time. fine display of my mind and the ray of lime light that comes out.  
  Stoned out of my gourd (great way to start a post, I know), I decided that after this roadie I should probably fill up my gas tank. So, went to the nearest gas station, flipped up the handle, pumped the petrol, and went inside.   "Fifteen bucks out there," I said to the cashier. I didn't understand why she looked so confused, I was one of only two cars out on the lot. "Uh, thanks" she blurted. I exit.  Went back to my car, started it up, and started to drive off, noticing that the few people who were around all had their eyes on me. As I got about 10 feet away from the pump, I heard a loud "SMACK/THUNK" sound... what the hell was that?  Oh yeah... I forgot to take the nozzle out of my gas tank...   Pretend it never happened man, that's all you can do at that point.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How often do you hear of a couple meeting because the guy sayd "oooh mamacita! i want some of that!" or other such gems? And why don't white guys in business suits do it too? Alas...  
  So my guy and I in a bookstore in the sci-fi and fantasy section.  Looking at the shelves, I ask him, "Do you like Dick?" Meaning Philip K. Just as I realize what I've said, he says "Yes."  
  lunch time conversation.  joel: you have to look at the tissue after you blow yr nose. it's like when you take a shit. you stand up and look behind you to see how much damage you've done. i know you all do it. i know quianna does it by the face she's making.  all five us looked appalled. and i think all five of us do it.       
  Anyone want some christmas dinner? Just come to my house...I have the whole meal set out on my kitchen counter...and it's August 19. Yes, that's right..August 19. The ham, stuffing, and god only knows what else has been sitting there for NINE MONTHES and all because my mother and grandmother are having a little dispute over it. I can't touch it..so it is left there..rotting..and I can't take it anymore! Thank god I'm going to school soon...  But anyway, if anyone is up for some good ol' christmas ham with all the fixin's, you know where to find it. Just don't sue if your stomach gets eaten away or limbs fall off by eating it..  
  haiku:  Giant Dildo Man Fights crime with spermacide lube Banned from Tom's Dry-Clean    
  R Kelly got arrested *again* today for child pornography. I think he and Ol' Dirty Bastard accidentally got the other guys' stage name.  
  the only thing funnier than guys who strut around wit their pants around their ankles   is when they try to run  
  I shagged an American bird the other day, and I realised;  1/ British birds are better 2/ When you aren't shagging them, American birds are so bloody annoying 3/ Americans as a rule are incredibly stupid and a waste of time.  The only saving grace was that she wasn't blonde, or French. I could never stoop that low.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         booze+ganja+best friends parent's anal beads=fucked up fun  jesus i couldnt believe it  there the were, in all their glory, basking in a jar of disinfectant. big and orange  jesus i didnt even know the things really exsisted till i saw em that one horrible day.  5 teens at their frineds house drunk and/or stoned and we find anal beads. poor paul probably has nightmares bout how we stuck em in his mouth. he was upset bout that  so we didnt tell him  we also rubbed em on his toothbrush and pillow.  we still dont now if they were usd on pauls mom or dad.    i dont want to know  
  A friend of mine once walked around a mall in a robot suit made of cardboard boxes.  The silver paint and duct tape made it look like something out of a B movie.  I've never seen so many people reject a robot.  
  Kinesthetic's Order:  1 suit.  Cream-Lime in color.  ELEVEN SIZES too big.  Matching fedora with black band and 27 INCH PURPLE FEATHER.  Swirling FLAME JOB in purple on sleeves and pant legs, rendered in DYED OSTRICH SKIN.  1 monocle, stainless silver.  Matching chain.  FIVE INCH FLAVA FLAV pocketwatch, gold with ivory engraving.  Ten gauge copper chain, three feet long.  1 pair brobdingnagian tennis shoes, black, with white disks at the heels and FAT WHITE LACES.  Playboy cufflinks.  Bling, baby.  Bling.  
  She was brilliant, and well educated, articulate, and   independent, but had a airport's worth of emotional baggage.  One night, right after we'd finished, she looked up at me and said "Next time, when you're about to cum, would you  just pull out and cum all over my face and tits?"  Which makes me miss her from time to time.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time when I was about 5 or so, at my friend's house (who was a little older than me) I unexpectantly shit my pants.  Staying somewhat calm, I secretly climbed the stairs in my friend's house to her room.  There, I stole one of her panties and, not knowing what else to do, threw *my* panties in her closet, shut the door, and got the hell outta there.   
  I hear about 30 stupid cellphone ring tones a day.  What ever happened to "ring ring"?  
  Community service moment at the old people's home...  I didn't have community service, but Steve did and I wanted to fuck Steve so I went with him. Along with planting pot seeds everywhere there was dirt, we smoked in the Alzheimers patient's rooms.   I think that's the first time in history anyone ever got fired from a community service job.   
  I have always hated having to work as a temp while my dreams elude me.  My temp agency always gives out cookies when they hand out the checks.   I have always refused the cookie until I realized that a little Keebler-esque cookie was getting me all pissed off.    But it's just a cookie, it never did anything to me.  Last week I took the cookie and ate it.  It tasted good.   Then I pulled out an uzi and shot everyone in the temp agency.  It tasted good.       
  I was standing at the bus stop, and I told the girl next to me that I saw some really fat, greasy man mowing her lawn. I said that the man would probably have a heart attack next time he mowed. She replied that it was her dad.   
  The most horrifying eBay moment I've had:  realizing I forgot to format the computer before sending it off.    I hate to think of all the naked pictures I'd emailed to my boyfriend.  
  I drive down to the really cheap quickstop for some smokes and a beer. They've closed early, the bastards, so I drive on to the gas station. I put my Old Milwaukee 40oz down, and ask for some Salem Light 100s. She: "$7.78." I already know I have exactly $6.61, all in change. Me: "No way! The Salems are on special for $4.79 including tax!" I finally convince her, and she adjusts the price: "$7.18." Me: "Do you take empties?" She: "Empty whats?" Me: "Bottles." She: "Yes." Me: "Back in a minute..." I dump an empty case of Molson on the counter. She gives me $1.20, then rings up my 40oz and my smokes. I count my change into her hand, saying: "Don't worry -- it's from my piggy bank, not my kids..." She smiles and says: "Have a  nice  evening!" I think she maybe likes me...  
  "My mother gets more play than I do," I thought as I curled up alone in my bed last night.  
  sitting in my office..having lunch in our conference room with one of my co workers , cute little indian girl . our boss calls and asks to speak to her , proceeds to scream at her and she gets off the phone crying. she takes the office key and goes to the bathroom. figuring she lost her appetite..i ate her chicken nuggets  
  (not my moment - my ex-wife Annie's)  Family gatherings always bring this dreadful old aunt who moans about everything while she sits in the corner.  The kids privately call her "Life Of The Party", or LOP for short.  So she suddenly dies.  Next family gathering, Annie is met at the door by her favourite cousin, who says:  "LOP? DOP"  
  dr. who was the first person known too us,who penetrated the time barrier.  What would his name have been if he had openly penetrated the sphincter barrier?  The Tardis must have been a graet place for a garden grope...  
  strip Parcheesi  sister, husband, husband's superior naval officer, officer's wife...  orgy...  shame, remorse, fond memories  
   My Dear, Sweet, Munchausen Mom #2  She loved to humiliate us by getting us weird-looking clothes. As you know, when you're 8..16 or so, going to school in weird-looking clothes is worse than death. She brought home a pair of shoes for me one time. Mom: "These were a bargain! Only &pound;5!" I groaned and opened the box. Jet-black Italian leather "winkle-pickers" with 2" heels. The front tapered to a long, sharp point. Jeesus! I composed my face as best I could, then looked up with dismay: "Aw Mom, not again!" Mom, trying to hide her delight: "Now just you wear them, and don't give me any of this 'Aw Mom' stuff!" Just this once, the vicious old bitch had blown it in a big way. For the next two years, I had the   coolest   shoes in school...  
  When my girlfriend broke up with me via proxy on Valentine's Day, that sucked.     For sleeping with other people when we firmly established an open, long distance relationship, that sucked more.     When I was hanging out with her roommate at their house afterwards, and they were out of toliet paper, that sucked the most.     When I used her scrunchie to wipe my urine covered pussy, and returned it to it's original location on the counter, that fucking ruled.  
  I work at a library, and I just had to kick some guy out for looking at gay porn on the internet.  Is gay porn so hard to find?  
  After venting to my room mate about how men are sometimes such clingy bitches and that they should learn to share (I have the hots for my current fuck-buddy's room mate).  She tells me I should write a book about my life. I told her that I often think of having my diary published (a book that often reads like a mix between a trashy romance novel and a storyline from MTV's Undressed)... ... but who wants to read about the life of a stupid slut?  
  A note to anyone who has ever received a blow job:  If you don't orgasm, it is not because the person pleasuring you "isn't doing their job right".  If anything, its because YOU aren't doing your job right.  Or, more likely, you just aren't cute enough to be worth the time and energy it takes to give really good head.  
   Another precious moment with my brother.  Sitting round and we are bored so i decide to start one of those childish arguments that everyone gets enjoyment from. Some article about Russel Crowe comes on my brother perks up interested in whatever film it was.  me: You fancy Russel Crowe.  Him: Whatever it's not as if i've got pictures of him on my wall or something.  Me: er actually you do. (he had just got a gladiator poster)  He shuts up, i win again.  
  New Years at Paul's. Big party, rediculous amounts of cheap beer, cheaper champaign and herbs.   Three a.m. and the party is still rockin.  Good friend of mine stumbles barefoot from behind the house.   "Extra Dry champagne?" He asks?  "Aint so dry on the way back up..."  
  You know that hot girl in the club or the pub that all the guys are over talking to. The girl who looks so fucking bored with all the crude attempts at chat-ups she gets all the time.  I'd love to take her off and buy her a coffee and talk with her for hours and walk her home and say goodnight and walk home smiling.  But she'd always think I wanted to get her into bed when I approached.  Of course, sometimes that's all I'd want.  I'm such a fucking hypocrite. I'm just one of those guys - only difference is I'm too scared to come out with my intentions straight away.  
  I made my first trip to a strip club yesterday. My last trip. One of the strippers, a chick named Breeze, reached out when i wasn't looking, and grabbed my nipple so hard that I yelled out. (I looked at it later, and it was all red, where the blood had pulled to the surface.) But I let it go, and wasa even nice enough to go up to the stage to tip her.  In her wild contoring, she kicked me in the head with one of her high heels.  After she got done dancing, she walked over to me to apologize, and when I turned, she burned me with her cigarrette.   
  So I didn't go on the rafting trip with my youth group. Not liking rafting does not make me a bad Christian.  Liking lesbian porn, that's different.  
  I think it's safe to say that I have an irrational fear of clowns.  I don't know what did it to me, but I sure am afraid of em.  The thing that haunts me the most is one of my aunts collects clowns.  When I was young and it was the first time visiting her house I looked around and said, "Gee you have a lot of clowns".  She said, "Yes, I collect them." I said, "I'm afraid of clowns".   They all had a good laugh and just went on, glossing over the subject.  So then that night and many years after that, I had to sleep in the living room where she has her entire collection of clowns.  Now this is no ordinary clown collection, there is at least 3000 different clowns in her living room.  The scariest clown of all of them is this one puppet clown that has strings to control his limbs.  I don't know what it is about this clown, but when it's dark at night, it looks like his eyes follow you around the room.  I don't sleep that much when I'm at her house.  I probably have to sleep there maybe on average of one weekend every other month.    I think the only thing that saves me is she has arcade games, a pool table and a full bar.  Who cares if her collection of freaky ass clowns have given me nightmares for 16 years now.     oooh, not a good idea to talk about your nightmares after smoking a little too much herb.  
    About 7 years ago I met a girl.  After a year of secretly desiring her, she agreed to go out with me.  I was told to call her the next day and make arrangements to meet her around 4pm.  4pm came and after an afternoon of killing time I raced to call and got her machine.  I left a message thinking she might be out of the phone's reach.  I waited a few minutes, then phoned again.  Maybe she didn't hear the ring.  Again, the answering machine, this time I hung up.  Another 2 minutes, called again, hung up.  I repeated this several times, no answer.  I left another couple of messages to no avail.  inally I gave up and thought she was stringing me along. Next day she asks me "Do you still want to go out tonight?" "Oh sure..." I said, "I forgot... that it was today" "You forgot?  Oh, by the way, did you call me yesterday?" "Ummm, I think I may have left a message, maybe.  I'm not sure, I don't recall"  I felt really stupid for getting so worried and thinking she bailed out on me.  We ended up going to her apartment later that night and she was very excited about showing me a new 'toy' that she got. "look-it's a brand new invention, it's called caller ID.  It gives the number of people that call here.  Oh look, I have 23 calls, "she said in a somewhat sarcastic tone. "4pm... you. 4:02, you.  4:09, you.  4:20... you again... etc."  And after knowing my obsession with her and how crazy I got about her, she still went out with me.  And now, several years later we are married, and what story do you think she tells at every possible opportunity?  But I can't complain.  Most girls would have been getting a restraining order.     
  I was sitting in front of the TV gluging vodka straight from the bottle one night when my cat came strolling by. In a flash of drunken inspiration I dumped some of the booze on him thinking he'd lick it off and get drunk. The cat just stood there dripping and looking at me as if to say, "OK, asshole, now what?"  I had to go get a towel and dry him off. The next day I found a big, stinky turd laying on the floor right next to his litter box.   
  Once when I was driving through rural Kentucky I saw a farm.  In front of that farm was a sign that said "Used Cows For Sale".  I blinked and vowed for the sake of the large hairy dog in my car not to stop for another 100 miles.  
  One time in 5th grade.  I let out the most horrible stench that will most likely ever exit my ass.  It was silent so I couldn't held accountable.  It smelled so bad that the other kid's eyes started watering and we all had to leave the room.  Looking back, I am proud.  
  I was on the bus once and I saw this kid get on the bus.  He had to be only about 16-17 years old, and he was a skinny white kid, with his pants down low, wearing a wifebeater.  already I thought he looked pretty comical, but when I saw his tattoo, it too all the strength I could muster to keep from laughing.  He had the tattoo on his hand, one letter on each knuckle, and it spelt out THUG.   I probably would've laughed too, if I wasnt so afraid of him and his homies bustin a cap in my ass  
  I can't even count how many times I've been speeding on the Houston tollway in the dark and an asshole tailgates me. I get passed the right lane drivers and move over for the asshole. To see that the asshole is one of Houston' finest.  No speeding ticket since 1992.  
  I once tried out for a job in New England, for a Colonial Town - ya know, one of those one's where everyone stays in character all the time, living like it's 1728 or something?  The guy told me "You'll have to shave the goatee. No colonists has goatees."  Fuck that. "Maybe the really cool colonists did."  Yeah. I didn't get the job.  
  My friend in college bought his computer from a former student, that had just graduated.  This graduate was actually on the cover of the course calendar for the college, and was apparently a very good student. When my friend looked through the hard drive, it was full of child porn  
  She was small breasted, but with a nice, big round ass.   So I took a little liberty and ground up against it.   "You little animal!" was all she had to say, but she didn't stop me.  By the time she was ready to stop, I was not, at all.   I slipped her another $20.  She obliged by backing that stuff up and giving me a great ride.  As I came, she started moaning, "mon petit"   I answered with "ma cher, ma cher".  So, I'm here to say, there *is* sex in the champagne room.  The problem with cheating on your gf, and being smart about it, is you can't tell anyone about it.  I'm glad I have lowbrow to brag to.  
  ok, I live in a dorm.I was hanging out with some friends in my room, including our reverend's son.  There is a knock at the door.  I scream, "WERE HAVING BUTT SEX."  the door opens and in comes the reverend.    
  I once read a story about a woman who made sure she at least "milked" her husband every day. Something to think about, ladies.  
  I never understood the appeal of the thing they do in many porno movies where the guy pulls out and cums all over her bush. Why would you do something like that? Now she has to clean it all up.  You know the wet spot? Doing that is like turning your girlfriend  into  the wet spot.  
  What really grates me is some people think it's only southerners who think they can say anything or do anything to anybody as long as they smile while there doing it.  
  If you are driving on the beltway  and you are in the left lane of traffic  and your exit is coming up in 100 feet  and you swerve over to make your exit  completing a 90 degree turn through 4   lanes of traffic, do you think you   should get some kind of medal?  I don't. The honking and middle fingers   are reward enough.  
  he said "you know how to tell that he's a pothead and i'm not? my arch enemy is my ex. his arch enemy is brenden frasier."  
  after the bottle of mantealbanmezcal it was all they could od to get his drunk ass into his cousins car and lock the doors so no one fucked with him wilst he slept the sleep of drunks unable to pull the door lock up an hour later  too drunk he nestled back into the ass smelling vinyl and pissed himself        
   Father-Son Bonding  Late in his life, my dad worked as the clubmaster at a RAFA (Royal Air Force Association) club right on the beach in Prestwick, Scotland. Which meant we all lived there, which was wonderful. I had my own entire wing of the enormous place, with a window I could sneak out of late at night, then slide down the roofs, shimmy down the gutters, and head out on the town, undetected. Anyway, I was sixteen and he was teaching me bartending. One afternoon, he was settled in a cubby in the bar with two of his old WWII friends, and he casually asked me to pour them all beers. First time, but I did a good job, brought them over on a tray, and put them down. Dad: "Did you ever try this stuff?" Me, dishonestly: "No." Dad: "Wouldya like to?" I picked up Dad's pint, looked at it dubiously for a moment, then drank it. All of it. Silence. I went back behind the bar, poured him another one, managed to deliver it, and proudly walked away upstairs to throw up in private...  
  Back in my first year in the U.S., I'm living in Port Washington, Lawn Gisland. The winter of 1977 is hideously cold. Cold enough to freeze large parts of the Lawn Gisland Sound, which is pure seawater.  I give a hitchhiker a ride. He's well-dressed, so I ask: "Car in the shop?" He: "No, it's at the bottom of the Sound." He explains that he and his buddies got drunk and took his brand-new truck out on ice-covered Port Washington harbour to have fun. The fun lasted for about half an hour, then they went through the ice. He: "Scariest thing that ever happened to me. Pitch black, and we had to get out of the damn thing underwater and find the hole in the ice before we drowned. The doors wouldn't move because of the water pressure, so we had to open a window and let the water in first. "We all made it, and then had to walk half a mile to the shore, with ice forming all over us. "The insurance company welched on me, so I'm going to be paying for the truck for the next four years, and when the cops found out, they made me agree to pay to have it lifted out, God knows what that'll cost, and fined me $10,000 for polluting the Sound..."  
  The booger that had bothered me in class, but I was too lazy to go to the bathroom to get it out, flew out of my nose, while riding on the bus.  That's what they get for not giving me a seat, fuckers.  
  KFC now serves those godawfully huge chicken dinners with a free cake, and everyone gets a soda cup that holds (I shit you not) one half gallon of soda.  128 ounces of pure, lowbrow liquid sugar.  
  I'd like to know which one of my goddamn friends stole my Jefferson Starship belt buckle...  
  Why'd I go? I should have stayed. Could've been different. "Fuck me," I think, taking the last bite of the baloney sandwich.  
  On my last day at work at a seafood restraunt, I pulled in to the parking lot about the same time as a friend.  I walk over to his car as he's changing his shoes (don't ask me).  As we're in the parking lot, we here a scream, but it almost sounds like an animal.  My friend and I just look at each other with blank faces.  "Is it man or beast?" I ask.  We hear it again, and decide it's a woman, and we start looking around in case there's a rape or something going on, but the restraunt is under a bridge, so the acoustics are fucked up.  I happen to glance a few cars down, and in a truck there's a couple screwing in the cab.  What a classy place that restraunt was.  
  He eyed the can of America's Best Genuine Iced Coffee (the caffeine tallboy) with suspicion.    "Why do you drink that stuff?"  "Because it tastes good, that's why," I countered.  "Well, only the Cappuccino flavor tastes good enough that I can stand to drink three of them a day."  "I dunno, 45 ounces of that stuff...no wonder you're always nuts."  "Wanna taste it?" I asked, maybe a little too quickly.  He nodded, and furtively took the can, raised it to his lips, and took a small sip.  "Oh, man --" he said, scrunching his eyes closed and screwing his face into a pucker.  "It tastes like those candies, you know, the Werther's Original candy.  The butterscotch kind.   Tastes like liquified butterscotch candies.  Ugh."  He passed the can back to me, and I took a long slug.  "I like it fine.  It's yummy."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Went to the doc because I was having gut-cramps for about a week, kinda backed up.    After explaining my dilema to a nurse, and then to the doctor I was feeling a little embarassed.  I expressed this to the doc.  He replies, "Embarrased?  Just wait 'till I put my finger up your butt."  What the hell have I gotten myself into?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the mid-sized state university I attended, there was a problem with Starlings.  Literally thousands of tiny birds were everywhere on campus.  Bird shit all over the tree lined pathways. The school administration had an idea to get rid of them, though.  At 5 pm everyday for about a year, a loud cannon was fired about 20 times in an hour.  An audio tape of birds being slaughtered was also played over the PA system in the football stadium.  Those birds didn't go anywhere.  
  I have a beard, its not a very impressive beard, just a basic beard i grew when i left my service in the UN!   It s about 8 inches long, and because of my viking/scottish heritage, it s bright red!  About a year ago i was out driving my old motorcycle, a souped up Triton-67 caf racer, on the small backroads outside of Stockholm!  When i cut a corner and raise my head to get a better look, pain suddenly floods through me, my beard got stuck in the throttle, and i am going quite fast, so i lean forward and loose my grip and try to slow down...  Nope, no way this bike is going to go any slower, my beard has effectivly jammed the throttlehandle, so i do what i have to do, i yank my head backwards as hard as i can!  I spend about 30 minutes in a reststop getting the remains of my beard out of my handle, tears still in my eyes!  My beard is now about 3 inches long...  
  i frequently find myself in the checkout line at the supermarket with a case of beer, a package of toilet paper, and a stick of butter.  
        It's depressing.. really..   "Higher Level Games," the class catalog proclaims!   Will enhance your game playing skill!   But then .. you lose.. terribly..  to your boyfriend.. to your friends.. to your family...   it really makes you lose your zest for life.   Or else I'm just making a bigger deal out of this than i should.  but.. nonetheless, my zest is no longer zesty.   
  after a night of drinking i was driving a friend home when the sudden urge to shit came on with the quickness.  i pulled over to the shoulder of the freeway, walked about 10 feet off the road, and took a dump.  usually i'd feel weird about showing my cock & balls to countless passing cars while taking a shit, but the relief of letting loose made it all worthwhile.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Did anyone else dial "OK I BT FK" just to see who answered?  
  My physics teacher tried demonstrating static electricity by rubbing a piece of fur back and forth rapidly along a long, glass rod.  Then she wonders why half the class fell off their chairs laughing.  Where do they get these teachers?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Canada's contribution to society... Canada Dry Ginger Ale.  Holy shit that stuff is good.  
  I told them ALL my ass hurt from the night before.    By the silence and awkward laughter that filled the room I realized I had said too much.    So I said, "I guess I shared too much."    LOTS of nodding heads on that one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's my Senior year of highschool. Our teacher is informing us about our 18th century literature test we had the following day.  On the board she writes:  "18 c.lit. test..."  Obviously, us guys in the class saw her mistake quickly and had a quiet and private laugh amongst ourselves.  A short while later the girls caught on. Our teacher never did find out what we thought was so funny.  
  I cautiously got in bed next to him, making sure not to hog the blanket.  I was cold, all over.  I tried to keep my feet from touching his, to no avail.  "Jesus, girl, your feet could sink the Titanic!" he said, half laughing.  I giggled.  Maybe in too girly a fashion.        
  I never had any desire to stick a toothbrush in my ass until I started coming to this site.  thanks lowbrow!  
  There's nothing better than this:  Sitting at work, chatting on AIM Express, and reading lowbrow. Ducking out the front door every 25 posts or so to have a cigarette and blatantly ignoring your customers.   
  My best friend (and then roomate) & I once followed a couple of cute guys to a crack house.  For the record, we weren't stalking them, they had invited us on their quest for weed.  When we left, we looked at eachother and agreed "At least we can tell our grandkids we've been in a crack house."  To this day, I still can't pinpoint the lowbrow factor ... is it the fact that we went, the fact that we went simply because the cute guys invited us, or the fact that we can't wait to have grandkids so that we may fill them in on our 'adventure.'  
  So, she's got this new body lotion that's supposed to heat up as it's massaged in. It feels great. She starts giving me a handjob with it. That feels great. Right up to the point where I'm ready to ejaculate, the stuff starts burning like fire. It hurt so good... I spent the next half hour rubbing aloe vera on my poor tortured dick because it was burning like a five-alarm fire. The active ingredient in the lube: Capscium.  
  two sisters thirty plus oh my god this smells like shit you gotta smell this  whiff hurl  just like when they were eight and six        
  a girl i know is going to belize in three weeks. she said there is a parasite down there that resembles some form of tape worm, but lives under the skin. to remove it, you have to pull it through the skin really, really slowly, or it will break off inside you. i mean really slowly, over days or weeks... so they pull some out, tape the exposed piece of worm to your skin, wait until the next day, pull some more out, and so forth... i can't sleep anymore because that's so fucking disturbing thanks for the info.  
  As I rushed for the bathroom, I heard my roommate plead through a mouthful of chewing tobacco, "I thought you knew I was using that Coke bottle as a spitter."  
  I come up to her, slap her in the face and walk away. Stoned people don't get how to react to that. No outrage, no retaliation, just a blank stare and a little laugh. Try it and enjoy.  
  today the driver on my schoolbus told me that if it was his choice, he would beat all of the annoying children with a length of hose to quiet them down. sobered me up a bit. scary old man, i don't like to be sober.  
    When I was trapped at Carrier Foundation, we used to play hockey sometimes for phys ed. One time a girl and I ended up right where the puck came to rest, and when she swung at it I put my leg out and blocked her stick with my shin. I did this again and again and again while we stood there, and she become very frustrated. Some how she decided yelling at me would be a good tactic.   Her hitting me with a hockey stick repeatedly does not phase me, but she thinks yelling will somehow crush my defense. I just do not understand people.       
  Once I watched fifteen whole minutes of "Veronica's Closet". A couple of times I came close to giggling.  God,I'm lonely...    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  The Planet of the Apes series of movies irritated me, when I was a kid.  I always thought the premise was lame and lacked imagination.  Hell.  What's next.  A feature film remake of Gilligan's Island?  Hmmm ... this is where we are headed folks.  I wish someone would nuke LA.  
  i am learning to love my body.  freeing myself from the last vestiges of adolescent self hate.  it feels so good.  i am learning about my body and what it can do for me. mmmmm.  i like my ass, but i'm still working on the thighs.        
  You know that look where girls wear light lipstick with dark lipliner?  I think it's their slightly subconscious way of drawing a target.   I find that eating strawberries is just as effective, but with a touch more class.    
  Another school story...  Biology class, and the teacher was going over human reproduction. He says that semen is 70% sugar or something.  "Then why does it taste so salty?" this ugly chick blurts out from the back row.  ...  I don't know what puzzled me more, the fact she said that out loud, or the fact that someone actually let that german shepard latch on to their dick.   
  "Mullet" is a game like "Punch-buggy". You simply get to punch your buddy and say "Mullet!" when you see a guy with a mullet. The "No punchbacks!" rule is optional I guess. A woman with a mullet is worth 2 whacks, a little kid is probably 3. The little kid bit is a judgement call. I'd say that it would apply to anyone who is too young to decide their own hairstyle. Many punches if you ever see a dog groomed with a mullet.  Unless you are a sadist/masochist, do not do what my buddy and I did and go to that one bar in town that is populated by everyone who has been kicked out of all the other bars. My arm was sore for a couple days. Oh, rat-tails count double.  
  Barhopping in downtown Atlanta and I'm a few feet behind him.  All of a sudden a car flys around the corner and hits him.  He kinda rolls up on the hood. The car slows down a little bit and the driver sticks his head out the window "What the f**k are you doing?  Get the f**k off my car!!!" followed by a string of profanities. Hits his breaks just enough to let him roll off and speeds away. He stands up and we laugh.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Amsterdam (where else?) and James says he wants to take a shit before the shrooms kick in. he goes off to use the hostel toilets and we don't see him for a long time.  when he gets back he sees the toilet paper sitting on the mantelpiece and begins to moan like a bitch. we'd come up by that time and found it quite humorous.  he had had to use a towel to wipe his arse.  everybody refused to use the toilets after that.  
  lowbrow would be recording a video of yourself on your webcam jerking off just so you can cumshot quality with all the other porn out there...  ...not...of course...that I've ever done this.  
  Two bottles of wine  Two forties of malt liquor  Slept in pizza box  -Haiku by Doug     
  He looked to be about 50, the chocolate-brown skin of his face fringed with a charcoal beard. A green t-shirt stretched taut over his Buddha belly, he hitched ragged jeans up a little higher, took another breath. Standing behind his junk-laden shopping cart in the plaza, he sang, he pointed at passers-by and shouted, voice strong, born somewhere deep inside his belly, inside his psyche.  I didn't feel strong enough to make eye contact...even I did, there would probably be no contact beyond a gaze. He was in his own orbit, talking to God in their shared language. I walked past quickly.  His last intelligible shout echoed behind me..."We may have sex with you, but we don't like you!"  I think he knows my ex-wife.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my opinion Nyquil is an excellent drug.  
  Jeezus-fucking-keerist!  Take the advice of Georce Carlin: "If you have to wash your hands after you piss, you might as well wash your dick."  Because really, if you think about it, what's the big fucking deal?  'Germs' are EVERYWHERE, people!  And if you keep trying to wash them away, they will just get stronger.  The only reason to wash your hands is when you start leaving dark grey fingerprints on everything, and you haven't even been arrested...  
     I woke in an inkers apartment in nyc after gettinga gecko tatooed to my arm. I woke with an incredible bourbon hangover to the shrieking of the inker. He was naked and covered in what looked like chocolate ice cream. I took one whiff and new it was actually feces. I remember his girlfiend complaining all night long about how he didn't listen to her, didn't care about her feelings and always fell asleep seconds after they had sex without satisfying her. I realized, long before he did, that his girlfriend, who stayed with him the night before, had, once again, watched him fall asleep after sex.  This time, however, she  swiped his neeedles and ink gun and all of her stuff, after defecating on his chest, then left him for good.     
   Gynecology 102  From 101:  Several of Annie's nursing student friends were also there, and they all jumped at the chance to see a cow being artificially inseminated.   In case you missed it, the women peppered the poor guy with questions about what the cow's vagina felt like, while he actually had his arm up the cow's anus. After that became obvious (pounds of cowshit dripping out when he withdrew his arm), and the women moved away, I got to talking with him. Me: "That looks like one tough job." He: "You think this is tough? Come along with me next time I have to get sperm from a bull..."  
  I awoke to the phone ringing. In a hung over daze I ran across the cold lenoleum floor to answer on the fourth ring. It was my mother calling from back home. "Well did you know your going to be a big brother again".   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Ever notice how difficult it is to find a good pair of shoes to go with your colostomy bag?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I was sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of milk. When I finished, I threw it up, back into the glass. I then placed it on the coffee table for later disposal, and fell asleep on the couch. Awhile later, I woke up, said to myself 'I thought I'd finished this milk", and drank it. Then I realized that I'd drank milk puke. It looked like milk.  
   heres something you budding psychosocial anthropologists can try at home go to your favorite bookstore and open a copy of the diagnostic statistics manual  the dsm four and look up borderline personality disorder read all the shades and nuances then 1 using your new found knowledge assess those you work with your family your neighbors and your friends 2 get a drink and think of all of the harassments hassles and foul ups that have occurred in you life and the correlation to these people with bpd eg my boss has screwed me outta three raises in the past three years and he obviously has bpd 3 divide the number of people you feel have bpd by the total number of people assessed 4 that number is the percentage of how many things in your life will go wrong no matter how hard you work how conscientious you are to your karma balance sheet or how strictly you adhere to the teachings of buddha mill kant locke hume or jesus christ for christs sake it s the probability of total shit storm that you can expect regardless of how careful considerate helpful friendly courteous kind obedient cheerful thrifty brave clean and reverent you are 5 pour another drink knowing that ninety nine percent of the shrinks in the world wont touch a bpd case cos they are prone to litigation and psychotic and neurotic breaks 6 pour one more and plot their demise 7 report back to lowbrow with your findings and achievements  uncharacteristically long and I know people bitch when I don t swear like a sailor or have some sexual gig going on but what the fuck these clowns are running the show and fucking the rest of us up to arms says me   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm watching one of those baaaad dating shows on daytime tv, as I'm on vacation and nobody is up yet, and laughing at this supposed sex goddess.  She's bragging about having been in a 3 way.   Amateur.    
  i noticed most of my cereal is in "loop" form.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is a commercial about stealing satellite signals and how it's wrong. Before I saw this commercial I had never thought about stealing satellite. Now I'm currently enjoying 250 free channels.  That commercial seems pretty counterproductive.  
  One night I had an interesting discussion with some acquaintances, and the subject turned to the always sensitive issue of Spitting Vs. Swallowing. After a few moments of contemplation, I said, diplomatically, "Swallowing is an act that's not really expected or demanded, but it's a nice gesture, y'know? I look at it like BBQ Ribs, cuz they're both messy. If you serve someone BBQ Ribs, you should be considerate enough to give 'em napkins. It's not demanded, but it's definitely a nice touch."  
  I noticed today that receipts are now numbered. This way, we have even less of an identity.  
  I found an apartment with my best friend and his wife.  I don't plan on telling my parents.  I'll let them figure it out themselves when they come home one day and me and all my shit are gone.  
  My friend Mike and I were sitting around day one comparing how many people we've had sex with, when we lost our virginity, and who the oldest person was we had sex with.  Mike's 8 years older than I am (and hot as Hell).  We both lost our virginity at 14 to older people.  The bad part is, I've had over twice as many sexual partners in 3 years than he's had in 11.  On top of that, the oldest person I slept with was 32 when I was 15.  His oldest was 28 when he was 20.  That's the first time I ever came close to realizing that I might just be a slut.  
  A waitress called me over to the service bar and said,"Have you seen the way those two guys are falling all over those girls at the rail?" I thought for a moment before saying,"Yeah, but I just don't care."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Have you noticed that "delicacies" and "acquired taste" refers to food that tastes awful?  Excuse me, but I am not going to spend loads of $$$ on food that "experts" tell me is good but that I know tastes crappy.  
               NEVER AGAIN  I was back home visting the parents last weekend.  High school girfiend from 20 years ago rolled by after hearing I was in town.  I jumped in the car.  We were in the woods 20 minutes later.  My face was burried in her shaved beaver for 30 minutes.    She was taking my wedding ring off.   Two things.   One, always carry an extra wedding ring in case your old high school girlfriend throws it out the window.    Two, think twice about performing cunnilingus on a woman that externally ejaculates.       
  At a show one time, i'm standing outside, and i see this dirty punk go over to the cafe next door.  he sits down at a table like he's gonna order something, and starts licking packet upon packet of sugar out of his hand.  and when he runs out of real sugar, he starts doing it to the sweet n' low.  before he can get to the equal, a woman runs out of the shop and takes the little tray of sugars back inside with her. hey -- i was rootin' for ya, dirty punk.  
  More Hudson River tales:  One of our research trawlers was an old 30-footer called the Pocahontas.  Some of our temporary summer help sank it when they tied it tight to the dock at low tide*.  It took us two days to raise it, and another two days to get it running again.  It took the summer help two weeks to sink it at the dock again.  *Surprisingly, the Hudson is tidal all the way up to Newburgh  
  Objects in your ass are larger than they appear.  
  sometimes who you are just creeps up on you, surreal-like, count dracula in the middle of a john hughes movie.  i'm probably the antithesis of a lowbrowite.  i relish honesty and kindness and politeness and cute little bunny type animals.  i'm your quote unquote good person.  but the other day i thought back, i thought back, and then i thought back some more, and realized that over the years i've cheated on five separate (in)significant others.  some of these misdemeanours unforgiveable, some understandable, some still drilling angst into me now.  all this to say that karma, judging from recent experience, yes ladies and gentlemen, karma does indeed fuck everybody in the end.  
  Ok, so for those of you who don't follow my posts: I'm now involved in amateur internet porn. Tonight was my first shoot & I'd like to think that it went extremely well right up until the last 'scene', when there was a knock on my door (we were shooting in the dorms). "yeah?" "um, (name with-held), you have a visitor" "a visitor? ... who?" "(name with-held)" "umm ... tell him to leave his number so I can call him back" "... OK" By now both the photographer & the other 'performer' were both laughing there asses off.  Might I also add that I was getting it doggie-style throughout the entire duration of that conversation. Next time I go to a hotel, I'm stealing a "do not disturb" sign.  
  So I'm walking down Martin Place, there are the usual beggars etc asking for change, when I see a different guy. With horn rimmed glasses, neatly wearing a red shirt and pressed pants, shoes and clutching a handful of pens, he wears a clean laminated sign around his neck   "I am unemployed but I am not giving up, please help me to survive, buy a pen for $2."  I thought wow, this guy is down, but he is really trying to make it out of his rut, and showing ingenuity as well....if only all beggars or people who were down put in the extra mile like this, they would soon be back on their feet.  of course by the time I think this I have walked past.  I don't look back  
  When a girl tells you that you have a sexy chest should you make the next move or just thank them and go on??? I told her she had a nice rack too. =)        
  My teachers give us somewhat easy extra-credit questions on their hard history finals(it's probably from the $20,000 a year tuition).  Questions such as "What is your favorite color?" or "Who is your favorite musician?".  My classmate wrote down "Rainbow". Another wrote down "Dave Matthew's Band".  I don't go to that school anymore.  
  If I owned a restaurant, I'd think of interesting names for my dishes. For example, one of the breakfast specials would have to be called "The Bubonic Egg."       
  Once, on Christmas Eve I flew from Philly to Dallas.  It was supposed to be a nonstop flight from Philly to LAX.  The plane developed some "mechanical problems."   We landed in Dallas. Texas looked pretty fuckin' ugly.  The airline put us up in a hotel near the airport. Everyone got their own room.  I drank the bottle of Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante that I was bringing to LA as a gift for the idiot I was going to visit.   I ended up fucking the shit out of some anonymous guy I met on the plane.  I never saw him again after that.  I don't remember his name or what he remotely looked like.   I just know that he had dark hair and was a pretty good lay.  That was the only time I have ever been to Texas and all I did was drink and fuck.   
  Quote:  The only difference between picking your boogers now and picking them when you were a kid is you don't eat them now you put them underneath your chair.  - sleeping_fragile@hotmail.com   Says Who??  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ...used Mom's pasta strainer to clean the fish tank. The little blue rocks had slime all over them, so i thought rinsing them would be a good idea. Later that evening Mom told me to make dinner for the family... tuna casserole. Well, after rinsing the cooked noodles and dumping them in with everything else, I noticed that there were little blue rocks stuck in the strainer. Not wanting to get my ass kicked for ruining dinner, I said nothing, and no one new the difference.  
  i was going through my graphics folder on my parent's computer trying to put together a presentation when i came across several cache files of male porn, man on man/boy leatherwearing butt spanking porn. i was thrilled that a way to expose my prudish mother as the sex feind (and hypocrite) that i knew she was. i was careful, however, to make note of the precise date and time of the files. joy! my father had gone to an opera with a family friend at the time the file had been loaded...leaving my hell hound of a mother to feed her perversions alone. i ran downstairs to reveal this horrible secret to my father. "dad, guess where mom was last friday?"  dad:" oh, i wasnt feeling well so she went to the opera in my place and i stayed home. why?" so my dad was the pervert. and he was looking and gay porn. this wasnt nearly as funny because i like my dad. i have continued to find (more explicit) files over the years...is my dad gay? i guess ill never know 'cause im sure as hell not going to say anything about it.  
  Honest to god, I slipped on a banana peel on the sidewalk.  I thought that only happened in the cartoons.        
  I used to be optimistic about the world, carefree about life, hopeful about my future, while posessing a high regard for my fellow human beings.  Now I am not so foolish.  This transition is largely due to the internet.  It's not just for porn any more!  
        How come they always juggle the same boring stuff and not things like chainsaws or kittens or chainsaws and kittens?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had cheated on my girlfriend, with someone else. I definatly have a sense of humor. I thought it would be funny to make light of the situation so I called her up to talk to her. We met at the local coffee shop. We went for a walk. I said, "The other night I decided to have sex, you decided not to be there, that's a decision you're going to have to live with for the rest if your life." She stormed off and before she did racked my nuts really, really hard.  
  I had a co-worker that was something of a wanker.  His name will go unmentioned, many of my current co-workers go here.  He had a pretty distinctive speaking style, sounded a LOT like Quentin Tarantino.  He sounded like him, didn't talk like him.  Didn't have his ability to talk about, you know, INTELLIGENT SUBJECTS.  24 years old, he drove a late-model Camry that he bought brand new, it's only mark of individuality was an Incubus window sticker on the back.  This guy was a tool, sort of like the character Michael Hitchcock played in 'Best in Show'.  Tried to model his like like an IKEA catalog and hung out at Barnes and Noble.  Maybe more like Ed Norton before he met Tyler Durden. He was the e-mail admin for the company.  You'd think a guy like that would be smarter about sending emails calling co-workers unprintable names.  He did, and they tossed him out on his butt.  Now I'm the e-mail admin and we all laugh about his antics.  The 'brow part of all of this is that he's exactly who I could have been.  It's like looking into a mirror. I shudder.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I spent the entire day waiting for Black Francis to call for his interview.  The call never came.  I called his record company and they called me to make sure my phone was working because Black Francis had told them the line was busy for an hour.  And I missed class for this.       
  What the hell is the point in me having a girlfriend?  The past two weeks i've sat in this chair wacking off to endless porn.  Random configurations of 10 types of vaginas, 20 types of nipples on 15 types of breasts.    And while i do this chore i think of her, cuz I'm a sappy loser.  The main difference between eyes closed and the real thing is this:   In the real thing i hold her afterwords.  In the eyes-closed thing i end up picking off chaffed peices of skin off my shaft cuz i wack off all day.  Trees are the white man's burden.  
  i was really drunk one night, trying to use a pay phone, but I kept dropping change on the ground. so after about 5 minutes of this, a guy i didn't even know was bahind me said he'd give me a dollar if he could just use the phone. i told him he could keep his dollar, but asked for a cigarette. he obliged. i was practicly gitty, since whenever I drink i seem to have some super smoking power, and can smoke forever. anyway, i jumped on my skateboard, lost my balence after about 6 feet, and got tossed pretty far. my hand still hurts.  i remember lying down on the dirty ass street thinking to myself "It don't get much lower than this."    
  Every house on campus had to send a representative to the 'gender issues awareness' forum.  I offered to represent my house.  halfway through the slide presentation up on the huge white screen appears the image of a beautiful woman in front of a lacrosse goal.  the subtext reads, 'the idea is to score'. amid the disgusted groans and mutterings, i can't help but yell out, 'hey, i had that poster in high school.'  i did. my mom bought it for me.  
  While I was walking down Mission Street this morning, I could have sworn that I heard strains of Tennessee Jed with a heavy doppler effect on it.  ...Rich man step on my poor head...  The cyclist came whizzing by singing at the top of his lungs.  It made me smile and momentarily forget that the Mission is one of the worst smelling parts of the city.  
    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I spent the day trying to convince my mother that it's ok for her to meet a man her friends want to set her up with; my dad can't complain about it because he's been cheating on her with other men for twenty years.   On my way out the door, she asked if I could spare her a packet of cigarettes.  All this occurred in one of the most affluent neighborhoods of one of the most affluent counties in the country.  My parents are one big lowbrow moment.    
  Thanksgiving...I am trashed, and my family doesn't know it. It's like a game for me, like when my roomate's family came down for her birthday and we went out to dinner with them, only after doing many shots....I am thankful for...rum.  It is sad that I couldn't wait to get away from the dinner table to come back to lowbrow...  
  I had matching T-shirts made up for myself and my now 3 year old daughter  "I do not play well with others"  Hers because she is spoiled by me when I have her (she is an only child when I have her and a middle sibling when shes with her mom)  Mine because I fucking hate everybody.  
  Her feet were amazing - each digit almost as long as a finger.  "I'll bet you could pick things up with those," I said.  "Yeah," she said.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
    Only in yoga class can you hold a girl's butt while she's upside down and not get sued.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a friend who goes down to Mexico. He's kind of a rich-ish tech guy.  And he's telling me this story. He says when goes down there that he brings big bags of pennies with him. Then he ventures to the poor part of some small village where there's loadsa kids. When enough kids that come around, he says he starts throwing the pennies into the air and the little urchins are falling over themselves and pushing each other hitting each other frantically trying to collect the little copper coins. And he's whooping with laughter as he tells me this, obviously thinking I should find this hilarious as well. I think I was supposed to laugh, but I didn't.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One night we're drunk and he asks me how many men I've slept with.  "13"  "Wait, when we got married, you said 11."  "Oh."  I told him I was just guessing anyway.  
  I already knew I had a full blooded brother whom I didn't find and meet until in my mid-thirties.  I just recently learned I have a half-brother.  During the seconds right after my aunt gave me this news, I speedily considered finding him TOO.  May aunt told me he's doing time at a Texas prison for substance abuse.  Then I wondered how many more siblings there are out there. After all, my natural father was married seven times.  
  he thrust his finger under my nose and i smelt his girlfriend's pussy.  talk about rubbing my face in it.  
  "coffee shouldn't be this way," I reasoned.  "It should be an experience: something you sit down to with a good book or a game of chess.  It shouldn't be a punishment for unatoned sins."  "You want cream with that, honey?" the red-headed girl behind the counter asked, gum popping and freckles freckling.  "No... thanks."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  So I had been working out like a madman for 5 months. my old G/F from highschool had called letting me know that after 3 years of living in Slovakia she was coming home.  I meet her in the airport cafe, and after catching up (I had been quite horny for a while),  I notice she's checking me out. 'Alright, she noticed!' I think. So I roll up my sleeve to show her the proud little lump on my geek arm.   She giggles and rolls up her sleeve. She'd been lifting pigs or some such shit the whole time she'd been gone, her biceps are bigger than mine.  I don't know why I fucking bother.    
  The girl was gone, but the booze was still here.  I had been on a pretty bad bender for a week-- not going to work, only leaving my room to replenish the booze supply, pissing in forty-ounce bottles to avoid going to the bathroom and confronting the world of my roomates.  I had been getting bad dizzy spells, and one morning I woke up drank some vodka and threw up blood.  Hmm. Probably should have that checked out.  I went to the hospital, got to see a doctor. He shoved his finger up my ass, inspected it and told me I was fine.  I left, went to the nearest bar.  A couple of hours later, finally broke, I walked out. In front of the place, on the sidewalk were a few big-pantsed white wanna be gansta college kids. One bumped into me and I snapped.  I hit him in the face-- he looked more shocked than hurt. He punched me in the stomach and I sank to the ground. The home-boys left.  Lying on the sidewalk, I thought of blood-soaked vomit, the doctors finger, my empty wallet, my aching gut and the girl who had left me.  So this is my life...  
  Family vacations to Disney Land every Summer was a regular thing until I caught my Dad eating my Step Mom out in the Motor Home bathroom.  
  When we were little, my cousins and I used to play a variation of football with our cat. Not that we'd actually throw her or tackle anybody...we'd just run from one end of the house and back, passing her off to one another.  Now, whenever you say the word football a fleeting look of terror crosses her face and she runs from the room to hide.  ...nothing like being remembered.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving in Idaho at 6am on a Saturday morning. I was going snowboarding. This redneck in a huge truck pulled out to pass me on the icy roads. I thought to myself "I hope that guy gets in an accident or pulled over" He lost control when he was even with me, flipping his truck 6 times and crashing into the shoulder. He survived with only a scratch from crawling out of the passenger window, but how is that for lowbrow? Damn.  
  i kinda think woody allen had his hand in one or two of these lowbrow moments  
  ok... so i'm a girl drummer right, i leave my band at home to go to college, go figure, anyway, i'm here a couple of months, start meeting some people find myself at a party.  i get piss ass drunk (those crew girls know how to make punch) and i meet these 2 kids who live in a house with other musicians, trying to start a band.  i get so pumped that i'm finally going to get to play with some new people, give them my # and name, ect.  a couple days go by and i see one of em delivering pizza's to the dorms, i say hi and smile, he does the casual nod, and has no clue who i am.  i get all bummed cause i was so looking forward to playing the drums again.  then i think... was he too stoned to remember me, or was i too drunk to remember my own phone number?  
    i woke up around 5:30. still pretty wasted, feel over a bunch of times in the shower, and went to work.  i asked if i could take a smoke break, but instead i went to the bathroom, sat down in front of the toilet(indian style), and heaved for about 15 minutes.  i remember looking at the dirty ass floor and thinking "i wish i could just pass out on you."       here's a little tip  kids: just because your parents are gone for the weekend, it doesn't mean that you have to drink your self stupid.      
   A Gear-Head's Dream  Still living in Boulder, CO, one of my fiance Annie's rich friends loaned me her sports car one night. Nothing special, just a Fiat 124, but I had a convertible, on a Saturday night, in  America!  First, I drove up the hills, and looked out over the town and the plains stretching for a thousand miles. I got friendly with some guys driving actual Hot Rods! Deuce Coupe, Ford T, aaahhhhh, bliss. I begged them to let me drive their cars. They would, but only if I let them drive the little Fiat. I just couldn't -- the owner's dad was running for President, and I could just see the headlines: "Mo Udall Daughter's Car In Drunken Smashup" -- just the sort of thing that newspapers love in election season. We convoyed back down to town, with the Deuce in front and the T behind. Saturday night on the main drag, just like "American Graffiti!" Then a cat ran across the road. The Deuce swerved towards it, caught it up underneath, and spat it, mangled, out one side. Hooting 'n hollering, front and rear. Lights flashing, horns blowing, engines revving. I like cats. I broke off and drove home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         im one of those "weird people"  my favorite store is the salvation army.  last time i was there, i headed for the dressing room, arms full of clothes to try on, and noticed the following sign:  (for reference, if you've never been in a SA dressing room, they consist of a mirror and a chair. thats it.)  "THIS IS A DRESSING ROOM. NOT A BATHROOM. IF WE CATCH PEOPLE USING IT LIKE A BATHROOM AGAIN, IT WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD."  ..................and I'M the weirdo?  
  im addicted to power bars i feel like superman when i eat them i will take over the world.  i can run faster than a speeding mullet i can lift up a pencil and break the eraser off in one punch.  i can jump over a chair and land on the floor sitting indian style.  i can eat a slim jim and spitt fire.  i can eat mentos and walk an old lady cross the street.  i can eat powerbars and stop crime.  i can also fart silent but deadly.      
  My baloney necessitates a third name. Hmmm, I feel manly.        
  exhale los angelesexhale los angeles and the reflection of the over head fluorescent light in my water beer ringsthe table smudged with a million prints mostly his own a gangling cough knowing rivers have run their courses knowing it is no longer spring or summer knowing what a man his age knows leaving nothing out hiding nothing either he leans back in his complaining chair nothing much to do but glance across the smoke filled room and exhale los angeles   10 1 90        
  wandered into a roomful o drunks and ordered a particularly tasty foriegn beer a conversation was struck a tournament of darts was being held and did i get my name on the roster we just started sure whatever three beers later i walked out with a diminutive trophy as the unlikely victor playing the odds against the beer to dartskills ratio in a room full of the previously primed is really all i won being the last on the list and not particularly thirsty a trophy for moderation egad         
  Dear Guest, It began. "Due to the popularity of our guest room amenities, our houskeeping department now offers these items for sale: Pillows, bath towels, hand towels, face cloths and bath mats." All overpriced, in an ingenious ploy. You see, if you want to buy these excellent and amazingly popular items, simply take them from your room. Your guest room attendant will note what you took and charge you the appropriate price. How smart they are.   Ironic, they didn't charge for the sign.   
  I'm at home on a day when it's sunny, then cloudy, every six seconds. Walking around the air-conditioned-to-morgue- temperature house, I'm waiting for the sun to stay out long enough to go in the pool. I enter the living room to shut off the TV but change my mind when I see my dog's little sqeaky pig toy is sitting in front of it, as if watching intently.  
  Waking up in my pile of dirty clothes on the floor of the bathroom at 5:47am Wednesday morning.  Thats what happens when you drink Old English 40's by yourself.  You never know how the malt is going to effect you.  Atleast I was in a controlled environment.  
  Tales Of San Francisco Muni: ------------------------------------ Riding the bus. Dirty old man hops on the bus. Walks toward the back. Pisses on a seat. Jumps off the bus and runs from two angry commuters who got hit by splashback.   Riding the bus. Cheap ass jumps in the back door. Undercover cop busts him. $75 Violation Ticket. Damn thats one expensive bus ride.   Riding the bus. We hit a pidgeon in mid flight. Yep.   Riding the bus. Teenager reaches into nearby kid's backpack and "liberates" his wallet. Kid accidentally elbows the teen in the groin. Instant Karma Rocks.   Riding the bus. Guy walks past my friend, casually steps over my friend's leg, which is in the aisle. He sits down. 5 minutes later, he begins to curse at us for my friend having his leg in the aisle, screaming, "YOU COULD HAVE MOVED YOUR FOOT. I'M A HUMAN BEING YOU KNOW." 3 words. What The Fuck?   Riding the bus. Bus stops at red light. Teens in Honda drive up next to the bus driver. They give the driver the finger. Driver opens window and spits a fat one on the Honda.   At the bus stop on a busy street (Geary) Teens are jabbering. One reaches over and pants's one of the others. Cars honk.  
  Everybody Loves Jell-o. One of my friends thought it would be funny to put it in a sock and hit someone with it. You know what he was right. The noise it made slamming off of Jake's face was that of what you expected a sock full of Jell-o to sound like.  *splat!*  
  I met some friends at a local brewpub and 'accidentally' drank one of each variety of beer they made. All twenty. Story has it, I left without paying my tab, but all I remember is waking up on the living room floor with a coat hanger in my hand.     
  I just read a statistic that said that the average person spends 40 years of their life cleaning.    I knew there was an advantage to being the slob that I am...It's like I'm extending my life by forty years just because I don't wipe the pubic hairs / pee stains off of the edge of the toilet!  
  When I was 4 I drank a whole bottle of Dimetap.  Then I tied a blanket around my neck like a cape and ran around the house like a nut.  My mom asked me what I was doing.  I said something about getting super powers from the grape drink.  She took me to the hospital to pump my stomach.  I still like Dimetap.  
  back in high school, our physics class was creating parallel ciruits with wire, 9V batteries and tiny light bulbs.  the teacher left the room, and i happened to notice the steel wool a few feet from me. i snatched a small amount, and proceeded to show the class how it will sparkle with even the smallest electric current. had a small fire going when i heard the classroom door open.  i panicked, and tried to put out the fire by slapping at the steel wool, the way one stamps out fire with his shoe. the steel wool stuck to my hand, and when i raised it, i had a small fireball in my palm. i continued to smash my hand into the table, cursing obscenities as the vile odor of burnt flesh filled the room and the class laughing their pubescent asses off. fortunately it wasn't the teacher who came in the room, but she did come back a minute later and commented on the foul odor. damn, that was cool.  i had a fireball in my hand!  
   He's almost 18..that's close enough isn't it?  Wait...anybody know the statutory rape laws in Indiana?        
  i woke up to muskrat talking religious bullshit to someone in the doorway it was nine am and we had been up all night with an apartment full of drunks and dopers skrat yammered on and on until i had to get up i tossed on some shorts and walked toward the door there was silence as i approached and i noticed skrat had a three foot bong in his hand and was waiting to exhale but  said he to the jehovahs witnesses perched to enter  if you believe that the meek shall inherit the earth and they do then they wont be the meek any more theyll be the fuckers running the show they looked at each other and apologized for taking his time he slammed the door and exhaled the rest and said its a simple question of logic no one who believes in that shit is using linear logic only one hundred and forty four go to heaven and they all think they are one of them id rather drive the bus to hell than hang with those freaks it was hard to argue his point in a strict linear logical fashion        
  So I sit here like a cocaine monkey experiment gone bad.  A choice between two buttons.  One will give me rest and nourishment.  The other will steal a little more of my life.  Screw the nourishment- give me another lowbrow moment.        
  Dorm Beds.  The University's form of birth control.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I thought I was jaded. I thought I'd seen the lowest depths of sleaze that can be seen in these United States--I was so wrong.   Last night, my best freind and I went to the only bikini bar in the Antelope Valley, looking for a weird time. We wound up in some piss stained shack called Snookies. It was seedy--not good seedy, but desperate and depressing. Toothless bikers held down most of the interior, with the rest of it occupied by displaced Crips. A subtle undercurret of violence lingered in the air while schizophrenic junkie dancers gracelessly trotted around the room in gigantic shoes.   My eyes wandered around the room and settled on a redhead who looked reasonably attrractive. She caught my wandering stare, and launched herself in my direction. Oh Shit. What am I in for now? She started to talk to me through really big braces( which by the way, don't work really well with a tounge peircing). Close inspection of her body revealed a map of scar tissue. It seemed as if she had been assembled from spare parts--probably as a mate for some mad doctor's lonley homemade abomination. I sucked hard on my Corona, struggling with queasiness, room shifting at strange angles. She started a conversation, so I kept trying to say the right thing to make her vamp some other poor soul:   SHE: Where are you from?   Me: L.A. (please leave)   She:What're you doing out here?   Me:just moved back(oops)   she:Oh, what made you movr back here?   me:My acting career fell apart(see, i'm a loser, go away)   she:who do you live with out here? (do you have a girlfreind? Married?)   me:Nah, I moved in with my mom (LOSER LOSER LOSER)   she: do you work out here ?(can me and my kids sponge off you?)   me: nah, i'm going to school (loser?)   she:ooh what are you studying?   me:art (LOOOSSSER)   That did the trick. She attemted to saunter off, again revealing the network of scars. If I had a red hot poker, I would have gleefully blinded myself right there.Waargh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i cant wait until i'm old and gray and have to put my arm up on the wall over the urinal in order to pee.  
  I went to hit reload.  Instead I click on the e-mail link to the writer.  I then, annoyed that I would have to wait a couple of seconds, turned to my right.  The damned dresser came out of nowhere and dented my elbow.  Outlook is still loading.  I'm getting pissed.  Then I think, "Damn this is lowbrow."  
  I live in Southern California. Frequently I am at a stoplight next to a kid whose stereo is loud enough to hear over my car's AC. If I am not using my cell phone, I put the top down and crank Madonna s early dance music. I have never lost such a showdown. My guess is that they did not spend the extra thousand for the power amp/equalizer upgrade.  
  As his head slowly travels towards downtown, I make a half-ass effort to push his head back up and say, "You don't want to do that,  I've been dancing at that club for the last three hours and I'm pretty sure my pussy won't be pleasant."  He says in slurred manner "Oh baby, I wanna lick you."  Drunk men...most definitly my favorite kind.   
  Bored one day, I went to my mom's while she was at work.  I rearanged the contents of her kitchen cabinetry and drawers.  She thinks dad did it.  Boy is he in trouble when he gets home.       
  Chevy calls their diesel engines "DuraMax", Dodge calls theirs "Cummins", Ford calls theris "Power Stroke".  When I realzied the significance, I looked at the drivers of pickup trucks in a whole new light.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just ran into a crazy black homeless guy who's pretty funny.  I see him and he's yelling at some girls, so I say "Hi."  He comes over, "What's it take to get a driver's license?"  I reckon you just go down to the DMV and take a test.  "Do they tell you to run over niggers?"  No, not that I remember.  Then he mooched some change off me and wanted to know if I wanted to go drinking with him.  I should be off in an alley drinking with that guy, but instead I'm here at work.  
  Just before you turn down the road to my house, there is a set of railroad tracks (disused since 1980). Even though there is a four-way stop just past them at the intersection, traffic usually doesn't get bad.  Unless there is an SUV or a four-wheel-drive truck crossing the tracks. They invariably come to complete stop and inch over them, as though they were make of Waterford crystal. Wait a minute now. Aren't these the bigass superstud vehicles you see in all the commercials climbing mountains and hauling huge loads?  It annoys me so much I am now compelled to follow them home, make a note of the address, and come back and give them the treatment they begged for.  Fragile is not a concept that comes in metallic, asshole.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Instead of semen, I think it would be awesome if I could cum fire.  
  In the heat of an argument with a friend of mine, things turned nasty and she attacked me in front of the whole crowd of them using stuff I had sworn her to secrecy over. In a rage, I responded. "Say whatever you want. Your insults are nothing compared to what my inner child thinks of who I am." It was not as effective a retort as I has imagined.  
  For some reason i've gotten really bored of regular masturbation. My friend told me if I caress my ass hole while i masturbate I'll have a lot more pleasure.   Masturbation is now my faborite pass time. This practice took it to a whole new dimention.  
  I use this giant back massager to masturbate.  Sometimes the skin or hair gets pinched in it.  I have scars all over my inner thighs from it, which aren't noticeable, but when a guy sees a fresh wound, I feel the need to explain.  Hey, it's better than letting him think I have herpes.  
  Today I held the door of the subway open for a girl running to make the train.  She was the ugliest girl I had seen in a long time.  I figured she didn't have much else going for her.  
    Free drink and senior discount day!  For every customer that came in tonight (if the firearms-passionate manager is not around) I gave them free drinks and senior discounts (10% off). I think I probably give away a good 100 dollars worth of product a day. I also gave away 26 of the special Honey BBQ boneless wings today to an older biker looking man who asked for one as a sample. It feels so good to give things that aren't yours.  
  My best friend had a fiance that did sales work.  She happend to come to town to see a client and she stopped by to meet me.  We  met and hit it off.  Next I was sucking her breast while I penetrated her on my living room floor.           
  he said so i hadda take forty hours on the couch to get trua class on counseling and it sucked but taught me a world of shit she calls me up the other day and says that if i want us to be togetha we hafta see her shrink tamorra like i didnt think we hadda problem really except that after she got her hooks in she didnt really like what she caught and fuck it if it doesnt work so we sit down in a shitty office with shitty sexual suggestive paintings and shitty chairs and stuff and the woman shrink who has obviously taken sides from the getgo starts with the pointed questions about why am i so fucked up i was ripshit i started to criticize her method explaining to my will soon be ex girlfirend the rationale and consequences of such a one sided attack and then began to weave questions about why the shrink feels the need to exact revenge upon males and autoassume they are always wrong the end of the show was the best  the shrink told me to come back and explore these problems and i told her only if shes buying and get this she said we could meet for free like does the woman have any ethics at all with regard to client shrink relationship or whatthefuck my girlfriend was instantly incensed as she pays a buck twenty five an hour for that garbledbullshit i told them both they should be ashamed of themselves and walked out of the office with the guilt dripping from their faces it was great exclam i think everyone should take psych just so you dont get fucked with the diatribe went something like that and i could not agree with him more   watch out all you regularmutherfuckers asshole with phds are trying to use you and tell you you are fucked up and need zoloft and just cant live without their unfathomable wisdom      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So we went rafting this weekend, a touristy 10-mile excursion down the Delaware river.  We had a cooler full of beer/soda/food, three or four giant joints, and a strong desire to make the most of our precious saturday.  "We" was myself, my friend Poon, my neighbor Dave, and another friend, Kenny.    Kenny was the odd one on the trip.  We definitely dragged a ghetto nigga off his stoop and made him sleep in a tent.  At one point in our trip, we stopped paddling to take a breather and soak up some sun.  We all lay around in the raft, surrounded closely by parents and their little kids...    All of a sudden, Kenny sits bolt upright, and screams "THIS SHIT IS BETTER THAN ECSTASY!!"  at the top of his lungs.  
  I can't believe I made it.  A whole day at the office high off my tits on acid.  I even convinced the cute guy from the fifth floor to buy me a soda.        
  I've told everyone this one, so I don't mind sharing it online.    I'm studying to be a high school English teacher, and I've an internship that gets me in a high school classroom two days a week.  During my second week, a young girl came up and put her arm around me.  Fully aware of all the problems that a simple gesture can signify, I pulled away.  I am, after all, training to teach.  I noticed she was bawling her eyes out and asked what was wrong.  Sobbing, she told that her father had walked out on her and her mother that very morning.  I was dumbfounded.  Then I was just dumb--I asked the single most worst possible question a person could ask any person in this situation:   I said, "Are you sure?"      
  One of my good friends has a client called TV guardian. This is one of those devices shristians hook up to the TV so  their children don't have to endure any profanity.  While working on the website he came a cross a list of things that words and phrases are changed to, for example: "let's fuck" turns into "let's have hugs"  If they get a sample unit I'm taking an ounce of kind over to his office and watching my entire porn collection.  "Oh- oh oh hug my bottom"  
  it seems to me that people especially some of the fuckers on tv should learn about subconscious physical cues and what they tell everyone else in the world the stutt uh stuttering the hand on the face the eye gaze to the left  etc it might not make them better people but it would make them better liars         
  My cat just took a shit in her box but she is so fat her ass hung out of the little door and the shit hit the floor  Stupid ass cat  
  While working at the uniform shop, I was in the lunchroom one day when Jeanette decided to lecture us all, from her position as resident religious nutcase, on the evils of homosexuality. I tried to tune her out, but when innocent, well-meaning Lizabeth asked her about bisexuals, Jeanette went off on a tear about special places reserved in hell, yadda yadda.  "Jeanette" I said. "I'm a good person, right? But I'm also bisexual. What's going to happen to me?" She backed away from me like I was covered in leperous pustules and told me I was surely going to hell. "Well then," I asked her, "long as I'm damned anyway, can I fuck you first?" I've never know "fundamentalist" also meant "able to run like the wind".  Yeah, like I'm that hard up.   
  Made the mistake of leaving my baby unattended for a moment while I bought a lotto ticket. When I got back she had been torn apart by wild dogs.         
  hey, stillbonging, i would give my life to meet you, dude.  my friends and i have memorized like all your brows, and i just wanted to let you know that your the best.  
  My ex-wife called me the other night.  She said you aren't going to ever re-marry because of me are you?  I was the first thing we agreed on in fifteen years.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             NEUROCHEMICAL FOLLIES  In college I dated a med student who was really ugly but had a body to die for.  She was very bright.  I talked her into doing acid and fucking down by the river, in Iowa City, IA.    She knew too much about what the acid was doing to her brain, as it was happening.   It made the night and next morning really uncomfortable.     Especially the part where I was on the phone the next morning with her father, a prominent medical ethics author and lawyer, explaining all the events that lead up to her hospitalization.    
  there should be one day a year on which stupid people are not allowed to speak  
  so my sister and I are not big fans of spiders. as one was running around our wall one day, we called our dad in to kill it, as per usual. and try as he might, they damn thing wouldn't die. eventually it fell off the wall or something. my fathers classic line: well. if he's not dead now, he's pissed. goonight girls.  we didnt go to sleep.  
  I drive my (soon-to-be-ex) wife home from her operation. We walk in through her daughter's apartment. The bedroom door is closed, with music leaking through. I get my wife as comfortable as I can, then head out to get some things for her. Stepd still has her door closed. I knock. Stepd: "Hunh?" She's (of course) sitting at her computer with her mouth hanging open, and about fifteen IM windows open. Me: "I'm just going out to get some things. Can you keep a secret?" Stepd: "Hunh?" Me: "Just say yes or no." Stepd: "Eh...yes..." Me: "I brought your mom home from her operation an hour and a half ago..." Stepd: "Hunh? She's home?" Me: "...and if at any time in the next few days I discover that you are not looking after her hand and foot, or she has needed something for more than five minutes and you haven't got it for her..." Stepd, combatatively: " Yeah? " Me: "...then this entire house is going offline for a week. Not just you, but mom and I too, just in case you were thinking of retaliation." She stares pure daggers of death at me. She wouldn't do that, if she realized how much pleasure it gave me -- to actually  penetrate  the self-absorbed little fog that is my stepdaughter... (Yes, she knows my LowBrow handle)  
  Everytime i go see a movie i have to shout loudly to get people quiet. But the other day i was sitting next to a guy and a girl on a date and they would not shut up. So, considering that they were on a date, i leaned over and politely asked the girl to stop talking. Afterwards i was jumped by two of her very large friends. This taught me a valuable lesson: don't ask people to do anything, just order them to do it with obsenities.  
  Gotta love mexico, he's like our stinky, unattractive, yet extremely popular drinking buddy down the way.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in the parking lot the other day.  I looked over at the car next to me and noticed that a lady was putting a club on her car.  She then got out of the car and beeped the alarm.  She was driving a station wagon.  Parked right next to her was a lexus.  Like a car theft would really pick the station wagon over the lexus  
  so i peed on my wife in the shower.  at first, i thought she'd be annoyed, and i'd be able to get a good laugh.  but- lo and behold!  she sidles up to me and presses her body against mine.  she starts straddling my leg with her crotch.  i'm thinking "hell yes.  i'll pee on her more often."  but no.  i got a warm stream of yellow down my leg. turnabout is fair play, i guess.  
  but there's this one guy that everyone knows and no one really likes, yet everyone somehow needs to be nice to, and we all end up resenting him for it.  then we get together, and we swap stories about him: each one more incredible than the next, we try to out do each other with our stories of his buffoonery. inevitably, this goes on for hours, this drunken self indulgent ego orgy. kind of makes me feel like a whore but i can justify it easily.  it makes me wonder how we ever manage to pass the time when he's around.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My low moment in life was going to a party with my police officer friends and I had to shit very bad and couldn't hold it so I went to what I thought was a secluded spot I pulled down my pants and bent down to shit and all my friends were laughing and filming me shitting.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I kept hearing about how corn is supposed to not digest well, and how you can see it in your shit. its summer so we've been eating a lot more corn lately. I wanted to see if it was true so I started paying closer attention. I guess I have a really good digestive system or something, cause I have yet to see a single kernel. I'm kind of disappointed.  
  One of my co-workers just asked me "where did the day go?" I got up, pulled the shades up on her window, pointed to the setting sun and said, "that away!"  She obviously doesn't appreciate solar humor.   
   How To Give Your (soon-to-be-ex) Stepdaughter An Orgasm, Without Getting Arrested  It's easy. Just do something, anything, for her that seriously improves her enjoyment of life (hopefully you'll make a profit out of it, too). My StepdD spends her life sitting, with her mouth hanging open, in front of the modest hotrod Celeron computer I built her a while ago. She, in a rare conversation: "When you gave me it, it was so FAST, and now it's so slow..." She slumps in self-pity, poor lanky Waste Of Oxygen (yes, she knows my LowBrow handle, so soon she'll know the private knickname I have for her, too). I notice she only has 64Mb memory (jees - was it THAT long ago I built it?), so I sell her 256Mb for $50, installed. She's jonesing, fidgeting for the whole five minutes it takes me to install and test it. She sits down again, notices immediatly its now twice as fast, asks vaguely how I managed to do that. I start to answer, but she's not listening any more. Her eyes are glazing over, she's typing furiously, and she's starting to groan...  
  i fought with june bugs the other night.  you know those stupid bugs that make so much damn noise?  anywho.. there were three on my window.. and they were pissing the fuck outta me.  so i spray cologne on them.  they stop.  i win.  nope.. they keep buzzing.  i could turn out my light.. but then i couldn't see. i could shut my window.. but then i'd be hot.  so i keep trying to defeat the june bugs.  CONTACT SOLUTION!  that will work.. so i squirt the stuff all over the bugs and then i think "this isn't going to work stupid ass.. the probably washes off the damn cologne i sprayed all over them."  quickly i recoat the june bugs with cologne (i'm glad this is cheap bath and body works body spray for men that i buy and call "cologne") anywho.. about 20 minutes later i realize that we probably have bug spray somewhere in the house.  i go under the kitchen sink and find RAID.  i squirt them.  they die.  why didn't i get that in the first place?  
  the date today is 18/3/00.  I developed a crush on a new female(I'm also female) teacher at my school in febuary of 1999. I let her know. Basically she implied that she may have had feelings for me aswell. I followed her around all day trying to convince her that we could do this but she just said she can't cause her job. Then she went to America for six months to play soccer. So I moved on, fell inlove all over again but this time with a guy... he eventually broke my heart aswell. She came back eventually. All the old feelings came back to me also. Again she hinted that she felt the same(when she felt like it...she could also be the biggest bitch and make me feel like shit). It was driving me crazy I wrote her several letters about how I felt she denied getting the letters but I know she did because i would calculate when it'd arrive at her place and on the day she'd normally get it she'd say something in reference to the letter but we never actually mentioned the actual letters to each other. She kept giving me these subtle hints like she'd always tell me "if you want something you should never give up" and also she'd say "we can't be together now but when you're finished school we'll talk then" by then I had about a year of school left. At the end of that school year something snapped and she told me it'd "never happen, it was impossible". I didn't cry or anything because in my mind i just thought "I don't believe her" my friends told me to get over it and that I was being foolish. So after about three weeks I made myself move on. Then school started again in febuary thiswas my last year and I knew i didn't need any distractions. I saw her and I hardly felt anything or maybe i did but i just denied it. She was extremely nice which spun me out. But eventually i gave her a taste of her own medicine but not being so nicel like I normally was and she sorta stopped talking to  me and recently(last week) claimed to a friend that I was ignoring her and i should "get over it" and go see her sometimes. Also since we'd been back at school she'd been asking my friends about how i really was and she was even telling then that it would never happen between us which really got under my skin because that was rather unproffessional of her. I also learned of how the first girl i ever kissed (who didn't even know the teacher until i showed her a picture and she claimed that she wasn't her type). This girl and myself weren't even friends she was my friend's sister's ex- gf. But she was my age. Another reason the teacher said we couldn't be was because there was a ten year age difference but she looked rather young. Anyway about the girl i first kissed our mutual friend told me how shetried to pick up the teacher in a pub but the teacher said she wasn't "that way" but also last week i found out that this wasn't the whole story...my friends kept it from me cause they didn't want me going up to the teacher and saying that girl you were with is also my age. So apparently they were together for a little while during the xmas holidays. I was pretty annoyed...so about 3 days ago I started talking to her again and hinted that I knew about her and that girl(yet i never mentioned the girls name directly or even what happened she just knew what i was talking about) and she got all defensive and said something about a mistake and how you should here both sides of the story first.  I'd e-mailed her the day b4 it was just a forward nothing i wroteout personally for her and she replied the next day which was thursday it's now saturday. I thought the e-mail would say something like "don't e-mail me" but boy did i get a shock when i read it! it said "remember in approx 6 months(when i finish high school) I'll keep my word." Is she palying games? first she let's me think she likes me then tells me it's never going to happen then this e-mail telling me that we'll "talk" it over when I'm finished. My theory is that she missed all my letters flattering her and basically just my stroking her ego...but I do also believe she liked me all along. So I guess I'll have to wait until the end of the year to see if she's not just fucking with me out of boredom...I'll keep you posted...that's if you lasted this long!           
  I read on here how walking in front of the TV naked will make your penis tingle. I wanted to try it out but I was afraid that my roommate would happen upon me  mid-test  so I ran upstairs to see if he was awake.  He was, but staggering around with some clean undies in his hand, so I knew he was on his way in for the morning (mid-afternoon) shower. I waited for him to turn the water on and then I stripped my clothes off and turned on the TV.  I actually did make my penis tingle, not a lot but it was mildly arousing.   Then I put my clothes back on and ran to the basement again to tell another friend over instant messaging that it had been a success.   
  A booger filled tyke with greasy hair was waving to me. I waved back. His mom shot me a dirty look like I wanted to steal him. Dirty little bastard.   The mother appeared to be 24 with a slender body, but aged by use. She was buying ding-dongs, ho-hos, whole milk, oreos, apple pie and cigarettes. $56.13 all paid by Texas Lonestar welfare program. Nice healty meals for the dirty kid.   I bought my rice and coffee -- thinking a little about the state of affairs in my college town.  Her car was next to mine, the kid wasn't buckled in a childseat.   Then I had the low brow moment.   She had three stickers on her back window: *This is what a princess looks like *I go 0 to shopping in 60 seconds *So little time, so much shopping to do.  I rolled my eyes at the irony of me filing taxes the day before and her driving away with my money, a shopping addiction and a dirty child.   
  i was at a party. and i had eaten a mexican style. i took a dump that literally stunk up the whole house. it was a 2 story house. and i shat in the basement. i don't know if the house had paper walls or really good circulation vents, but my shit that took three flushes for the toilet to swallow literally stunk up 2 stories and a basement.  i will never eat mexican style pizza again  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Am I a genius because I scooped up the two ninja swords at the clearance sale before the wholesaler realized they were priced wrong??  Or am I a genius because, while standing in line with my two ninja swords and searching for my credit card, I realized, "hey, I don't need any fucking ninja swords!?" and then I put them back?  It's tough being a genius.  
  I was alone for Christmas one year and feeling rather sorry for myself. A co-worker generously invited me over to his family's house for Christmas dinner. As I didn't really know him all that well, I thanked him and politely declined. He said, "Aw come on, it'll be fun. My parent's always gang up on one of the kids and make them cry."  To my quickly retreating back he yelled, "This year it's my brother's turn!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm not that concerned that they both did the hitchhiking girl they had picked up, but did they have to take all her money?        
  The situation: Three days from payday and I'm totally, flat-out, hopelessly broke.  Checking overdrawn, fifteen cents in my pocket, no credit in the world.  Since this has happened before, I'm not too alarmed.  I've got my backup stash of ramen at home and my subway pass, so I feel confident I can ride out the next few days without any necessary expenditures.  Then I remember the bare cardboard tube hanging in my bathroom where a roll of toilet paper is meant to be.  Shit!  Literally.   I sit in the men's room at work contemplating this situation, glancing over to the rolls fixed into the dispenser.  Fixed firmly in place.  Suddenly I flash back to college, when my dorm featured dispensers with little black release buttons on them, which allowed non-janitors to liberate rolls whenever necessary.  Having finished my business, and remembering the uneven and incomplete remodeling this pit of an office building has undergone, I go on a quest.     Downstairs to the 11th floor.  No luck.   10th floor.  Damn.   9th floor.  This isn't looking good.   8th floor. Whole lotta nothin.   7th floor.  This may have been a stupid idea.   6th floor.  I wonder if that place that buys blood plasma is still open?   5th floor.  Maybe I should give this up.   4th floor.  Score!  There they are - the little release buttons so conscipciously missing from restrooms on floors 12 through 5.  Sighing a sigh of profound relief, I set three (mostly full) rolls free, hoist my backpack to my shoulder, and set off for home.  The prospect of tomorrow morning's massive dump puts a smile on my face, and all is well with the world.  
  there was this party, at a guys house I sorta new, so I went with my friend.  We get there hang out with some people, and decide to see whats going on in the black room.  haha the black room, i see 2 neon balls floating around, so I looked harder to see what it was, DAMN a guy had highlighted his balls to make them glow.  I didnt know highlighter showed up under a black light.        
  In old Holland the people were simple called by their first names and some description. Jan the baker. Pieter son of Pieter. Frans the fishmonger. They didn't have surnames as such. When Napoleon got his paws on the low countries, he sent his men to civilize the Dutch, bring law, order and adminsitration to these Protestant heathen. The first step was to give them proper surnames so civil record-keeping would have a firm footing. His adminsitrators obliged the people to come forward and give a surname. Being rebellious and independent thinkers - and not being terribly fond of the French - took the piss out of their Gallic occupiers and made the most lewd and ridiculuous fabrications. Jan van der Aars (literally: Jan of the Asshole); Pieter son of Pieter became Peter Drekhuis (literally Peter Shit-house); while Frans the Fishmonger might have written Frans Kutlikken (literally Frans Cunt-licker). In time,  the French left ostensibly to bother the Huns of Germany.  But their legacy remains to this day such that there are thousands of dutch people running around with, by way of literal translation, some of bawdiest and funniest names on the planet.   
  It started as an economy measure, but now I just like the look on the waitress's face when I dump all the sugar and sweetener packets into my purse. They never know what to say. I guess they don't cover that situation in waitress academy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Reminder:  When you wake up and your hungover, with no clean socks to wear.  DO NOT grab socks that were sitting by the computer.  You will be wearing crusty cum soaked spank rags all during the day at work.  That is all.  
   I was showering late one evening and I assumed I was home alone. I left the bathroom with a towel around my neck and that was it.  Come to my surpise, my sister in law had invited herself in. I had a full on erection and she seemed to be pleased.  She hasn't looked at me the same since!        
  I went and askedjeeves(.com) if I had a reason to live. Five of the top ten hits where about dinosaurs, who, as we all know, arent alive anymore. Can the internet be more subtle?  
  Just a sampeling of the people i've had sexual encounters with:  -a male-to-female transexual -a quadriplegic man -a 17 year old boy (when I was 26) -a 42 year old woman (when I was 20) -a set of male twins (at the same time) -a father and daughter (at different times)  You know, taken one at a time, it doesn't sound that bad...   
  Sitting in a restaurant yesterday and the following exchange was heard between Father and Son.  Father: Where's my jelly doughnut?  Son: I didn't know you wanted one  Father: Well maybe if you weren't so busy jacking off in the bathroom you could have got me a jelly doughnut.  Son: Yeah, well where do you think I got the cream for your coffee?  A healthy family dynamic at its best.  
  No food in the house.  So I grab the last remnants of me paycheck (about $50) and jet off to market, on the way passing the liqour store.  Ended up spending $30 on a bottle of scotch (Glenlivet, since you asked) and the rest on generic peanut butter, apples, and generic cigarettes.  Now, two days later, I am berating meself for not instead buying two bottles of the cheaper shit and a few less apples as I stare into the depths of that attractive, albeit empty, bottle.  
  lowbrow.com + marajuana + weezer = F-U-N        
  Pretend something really deep and meaningful is written here, and it is all pretentious and philosophical, and it makes you think. Pretend.        
  I get teased A LOT at home, because I fall asleep with my hands in my pants.  I am not fingering myself or anything, I'm just touching absentmindedly.    The funny part is, my boyfriend says that I'm just like Ted Bundy.  Sure hope he means Al Bundy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Me:  Screw you!  Her:  You wouldn't like it, I'd just lay there.   Touche mom, touche.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting at the county fair with my friend, when a little boy, who was walking by, tripped and fell flat on his face.   "Awww. Poor kid." my friend said.  To which I replied "yeah...he's got a mullet."  
  Ever heard that campfire song "princess pat"? it's about a rick-a-bam-boo and some shit. Anyways I thought that I was just being gross when i was bugging my friends about how it was really all about sex, the actions were rather sugestive. Well in the end I talked to one of the group leaders about said song, turns out it really is about sex. I little known fact. Damn. I wonder if those people feel bad about teaching 6 year olds that song....probably not.  
  I remember back in high school, me and my friends found a prescription bottle in one of the Social Studies classrooms. We took a pill out of it and later in the day slipped it into a friend's drink.  He got out of the hospital three days later.  
  so he walked back to the stands, feeling slightly guity, though he knew he shouldn't. he was, after all, completely single. she had someone new and he didn't. he recognized the group of friends he had left a few minutes ago and made his way through the crowd. with minimal contortions he deposited himself in his old seat, now talking to a friend on the right.  then, a short lull, a timeout on the field, and he turned. his head drifted left, towards, he thought, another conversation. but he met with an unpleasant surprise. he didn't do a double take, no, he didn't need to, he had stared at the same scene too many times. why, he could not explain, it was a morbid, melancholy curiosity that held him, steadfast, torturing himself with the sight. but this time, up close, it was a greater burden, more than he wished even upon himself, so he rose, quietly but abruptly, and squeezed out to the aisle again.  he stood, amongst a crowd of sitting people, staring at the huddled football players. he attracted no attention in such a group of eccentrics, simply standing, savoring the only thing he had left, his precious anonymity.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         First picture the setting: Netherlands 1998  Story: A friend of mine had loaned some money from me during the summer vacation. When the time came to pay me back, he did a wire transfer to my bank account. As a joke he put the description "Downpayment #2 XTC tablets".   Well first the bank questioned me about that. And then my parents saw the transfer description, offcourse i got a big preach about "drugs are bad hmmkay" and "its okay to experiment just dont be stupid".   
  So I had a roomate once, "Matt". We lived together for a year. His family took me in kinda adopted me. So after we had gone our separate ways (he got his girlfriend pregnant, married her and moved from SF to Corning) I was visiting my adopted family. Really his brother and I were just good friends.   So we are sitting there, at dinner, his 2 brothers, mom, dad, and a mutual friend of ours, when his mom asks me about "MY" penis pump... Now I am very very very open with all of my friends and my sexual encounters. Come on, I got a fake pussy as a gag gift and everyone knew about it, because I told them. So I look at her, and say WHAT? my WHAT? I don't have one. It seems that Matt had gotten caught with his penis pump, it was in his bag, when he moved home.   His new wife was sitting there, his mom and his dad, while his mom had opened up the bag and found a blue penis pump. Everyone knows that Matt's favorite color is blue... So now we all joke that I have a penis pump whenever we want to make Matt feel like the dirty pervert that he is.  What's more lowbrow, that he passed his shit off on me, or that we all joke about it as mine?  
  Sitting at home, getting trashed by myself on a Saturday night, I decided that it would be a great idea to piss off my balcony.  I stumbled out to the edge and let it fly.  Went back inside and passed out on the couch watching some movie or another.  The next afternoon, when I finally got up, I went out to the balcony to have a smoke.  Looking over the edge, I found that the snowman built by the kids who lived downstairs had turned blonde overnight.  I laughed so hard, I couldn't even smoke my cigarette.  
  On one of my favorite sitcoms last night, they had a subplot about some snotty woman who was discovered to be running a website called "Iwillllputanythingyouwantupmyass.com" and then showed her on internet cam asking those who log in (for a price) what they want to see go up the backdoor...lava lamp, salami, etc. My first thought was: gotta go check online and see if there really is a site like that. My second thought was: I wonder how much I could make? Nah.  
  You know those unsolicited AOL upgrade CDs you get in your mailbox each month? - make great coasters. And, if you're a crack shot with a 12 guage, challenging 'clay' pigeons.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were at little t's, waiting for our food. i slamed my fist on a fork and it shot across the room. i screamed at my roomate: "my god man, that behavior is totally inappropriate! have you no regard for manners? damn... this isn't north dakota, for christ's sake!" he, like the rest of the restaurant, just stared at me. unprovoked outbursts fucking rule.  
     chris fatboy and frydaddy met me in the nh woods to howl at the moon burn stuff kill as many beers as we could carry in and swear about our bosses it snowed and rained and we ate more sausage products than the fda allows for one lifetime chris ragged on fatboy for hugging eddy haas in a hottub three years ago fatboy laughed when chris burned his underwear due to pork fat related anal leakage feeling very afirmed in my beer hunter abilities i was still happy to get home and brush my teeth     
  The Great Del Taco Incident!  We leave Del taco, tummies full of nachos.  Emily has a cold. She coffs so hard she pucks. I see this and puke. Chris sees this and pukes. Emily sees this and pukes. Chris pukes again. I puke again.  My mommy laughs at us all!  We get in the car and drive away leaving behind six piles of barely digested nachos. The Del Taco workers and customers stare out the windows appalled.  Now, that I think about it, it was kinda funny.  
  Eating dinner with some friends and a certain prof who shall remain nameless. We're talking about our favorite movies. me: "I like the Royal Tenenbaums." J: "Fight Club." Janice: "Labrynith." The prof, a sixty-five year old graying man, leans on his elbows, looks at me, and says, "Well *My* favorite movie was always Lolita." We're still friends to this day. ~puck~  
  I broke my arm recently. The doctor put me in a cast up to my shoulder. That in itself was not the lowbrow moment.   The lowbrow came when I realized how much fun it was to whack-off with the other hand. Talk about finding an old toy!  (If you decide to get desperate and try using the cast, put a sock on both your penis, and the cast.... trust me)  
  i have perfected the art of clearing my throat and spitting the phlegm between my legs while sitting on the toilet. god i feel proud  ~*TINK the PINK*~   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in a small town in North Carolina this past weekend, and I was pumping gas.  I looked up on the billboard they have there, and it read:  GOD HAS NO RELIGION!  It changed my life.  
  Damn - rang her again for more phone sex. It's not as if I couldn't have gotten laid this week what with some girl asking me straight out to fuck her in some bar.  And then there's the girl that I'm hoping to get into bed by the end of the week (and probably will).  But phone sex with a sluty Scot chick still has a weird fascination for me.  
  08/01/03  When I was born my parents didn't have me circumcised, same deal for my younger brother.  I knew some guys were "different" from the locker room at the pool but I swear to god that I did not know the foreskin was supposed to fully retract until I was 12.  How did I find out, you ask?  Turns out mine was too tight to retract on its own and whenever I got a boner (a very regular occurrence when you're 12) it would get red and sore.  We went to a specialist, he took me into his exam room an used 2 fingers to pull it all the way back.  First time it was ever retracted.  After that it actually felt more comfortable, but did anyone ask me?  noooo... the doc still encouraged my folks to make an appointment to have it removed.  That fucker, probably needed to pay for his boat or something.  I missed a week of school in junior high, had to wrap my wiener in gauze and lived with the horrible, horrible pain in my most favourite area for a week until it healed enough.   You can still see the marks from the stitches.  I miss that little bit of skin.  Worst mistake ever made and if I ever have kids I'll be damned if I'll let any doc take a knife to them.  I've had 14 years to think about it, nothing I can do about it now (regardless of what those "regrow it!" weirdoes tell you, I'm not strapping weights and tape to my buddy).    But here's the lowbrow moment...  A friend of mine is almost 27 and he just told me last month that his foreskin wont retract, "it's too tight" he says.  There's probably 27 years of cheese built up in there!  ick you'd think he would have had it checked out by now.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            I knew it was love when, over eggs and steak, he called the A-1 sauce, "Al."      
  I had been going down on this woman, when I noticed a small drop of red on her leg.  Further inspection revealed a pool of red on my sheets leaking through into my mattress.  When I pointed it out she looked at it and immediately thought she had started her period.  So with the mood completely ruined she went into my bathroom to put on underwear and a pad.  Thats when I noticed my toungue was a little sore...  It turned out that I had been so into what I was doing that I didn't notice I had bit my toungue.  So yes, I bit my toungue while going down on a woman and blamed it on her period, and I'll always have a reminder of it every time I change my sheets.  
  i made myself dinner tonight using the stove, and actually fried up something (this is extraordinary because i usually don't venture from the culinary demesne defined by the microwave) but being out of practice, i forgot that stoves are hot, and pans conduct heat.   hence i grabbed the fiery handle with a bare hand, and burned myself a bit--not too bad, but it hurt like a mutherfucker for at least 4 hours.   the worst part was being alone and horny with new porn and a burned hand... quite a predicament: hand is in ice to cool burns, wacking generates heat, makes pain, cold makes wacking harder, therby more difficult, etc.   but i stuck to it, and squeezed off a few rounds despite the pain. took a few for the team, you might say...    i think i'll tell people this story whenever they ask what i mean by "team player" on my resume.   
  between video games and bondage I dont have much time for homework        
  She's a friend of mine, has been for a while.  We're both going through dry spells.  She: "You know, all I want is just a little dick.  That's it.  Nothing more."  Well, like any good friend would, I invited some alcohol into our little chat then seduced her.  I gave her exactly what she'd asked for.  Turns out when she said she wanted a "little dick", it was a figure of speech, not an adjective and a noun.  She liked it more than she'll admit, though.  
  Which is lower? Being guilty-by-association because I helped her post her used Hooters uniforms on eBay or the pathetic loser who paid $90 for three stained tanktops and two pairs of nylon shorts? More than a mouthful indeed.  
  If you get pulled over, it would be a really good idea not to shove the alchohol in the donut box if you plan on offering one to the cop.  
  I dont know what it is about the urinals in my office building, but for some reason the almost always give you splash-back.   I figured out that if you aimed to the far left, or far right, basically almost pissing outside the urinal, you get no splash back.   It took me quite some time of trial and error to figure this out.  Thats why I always wear super long shirts to work  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went out to Baskin Robbins one time with my ex and our 2 friends. My friend get a "low fat" double scoop. Then after devouring it, goes for another, then another.   He then decides he's full -- too full. Calmly asks for the paper bag my ice cream came in leans over and jams 2 fingers down his throat. I was still eating at the table and didnt pause for a moment. on the way out after being there another 10 minutes or so, he pukes again in the parking lot (same 2 fingers btw)   After the car ride home, he offers to shake hands and hugs the other friend in the backseat. All with his puke hand. No shame. Toxie is the man.  
        there isnt anything quite as satisfying as wandering about suburban arizona on a warm summer nite while wearing a robot costume. all the while completely convinced that you are, in fact, better and funnier than any other human being who has ever lived.  
  By the end of our relationship my longtime girlfriend would rarely have sex with me. The only sure fire time that she would put out was when her mother stayed over at our place. She would be very noisey so that her mother would know that her daughter is capable of pleasing a man. She was quite fucked up.  
     i typed the my email typed the thing three times now and am giving up i know who i am and dont need a renewed sense of identity but thanks for looking out for me     
       i just want to tell all those "hip" boys with their pants hanging down around their ankles that the ass of their jeans is not meant to be at their knees  Pull them the hell up you dumb motherfuckers.   
  I think I detected a hint of parmesean in my shit this morning...  
  Ya know that old saying "It's hot enought to fry an egg on the sidewalk"?   I did.  Not directly on the sidewalk of course, but on one of those iron water meter covers.    I must have been bored.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          adhesive  carburetor cleaner  drain cleaner  furniture polish  glue  hair permanent and straightener  nail glue and polish remover  oven cleaner  opaquing (correction) fluid  paint solvent, thinner, and reassemble stripper  photographic and glide copying chemical  pool acid and expand outward chlorine  silver and other metal polishes  waterproofing sprays   
  So we found a body floating in the Hudson river, right under the Bear Mountain Bridge.  It must have been there for a while, because it was bloated and floating rather high.  We called the cops on the radio. They said they'd be right down and could we keep an eye on it in the meantime.  So I open the throttle wide and circle around it.  We start laughing hysterically, watching it bob up and down in the wake.  The cop arrives at the dock and hails us over his loudspeaker.  I'm laughing so hard I can barely dock the boat to get him.  Our boat is a research trawler, so we have plenty of gear for recovering the body, but we're disabled with giggling, so it takes us three tries.  It finally flops on board, looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy, so we lose it all over again.  The cop says our reaction is a common one.  
  I hit reload again and again looking for my moment. Finally, the random generator gave me my sugar. I read through it and noticed a typo.   Began dammit! Not begun.  Frustrated again.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I realized something while feeding my fish last night.  The scent of my fish food reminds me of my significant other's scent.  Not "smells like", but "reminds me of".  It's not a bad thing, as I think she smells wonderful.  No, really.  I honestly mean it.  
  don't you feel like an asshole when you're joking with someone, say "yeah, your MOM is WHORE!" or something and they look at you and say "my mom's dead."    what's worse is when you say "ha, better dead than still sluttin' around!" and again they only look at you and say "no, she's really dead."  i always feel like an asshole when that happens.  
  during one particularly inebriating day of drinking and golf (in that order), at the last hole that had a fairly secluded green, my friend actually took a shit in the golf hole and put the pin back in.    Upon leaving the course (rather quickly, I might add) my friend turned to me and said he felt bad for the guy who would have to clean it out.  I said I felt bad for the next fucker who sunk his putt.  We both then laughed til we nearly wet ourselves.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         23 years old, I'm visiting a female friend I hadn't seen in several years.  A girl I had always had a crush on... very beautiful girl, hot body, great sense of humor... I remember when we spent every day together, and nights laying on my living room floor with our feet up on the couch, laughing at everything like we were stoned.  The second night of my visit, we decide we'll go out drinking and dancing.  I'm ok with this,even though I hate dancing.  I cannot dance, and have no desire to dance.  After a few drinks and a few dances, I have to piss, so I excuse myself and head for the toilet.  I wait my turn, get to the urinal, start to piss - then a fart goes bad and I shit myself.  So here I am in a busy bathroom at a nightclub with a very hot woman whom I've always had a thing for, and I have shit myself.  I ended up going out behind the club, in the dark, stripping down and tossing the nasty things down a wooded hill.  We left soon after that... I just wasn't feeling up to sticking around after shitting my pants.   
  The horror of blimps  Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.  I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!  Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.  Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.  We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.  Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.  It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.  My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.  Let's face it, blimps are fun.  Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.  At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.  The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.  Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.  In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.  I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.  That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.  I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.  Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.  So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.  On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!  Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.  I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.  When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.  Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.  I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.  It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.  Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)  Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.  On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.  Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.  I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.   ***   At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.  The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.  This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.  I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.  Some blimps are better off dead.   
  There's a friend I used to have. Well not so much a friend as an aquaintance, but we were friendly.  She messaged me online less and less frequently  then she started making it a point to insult, belittle, or otherwise agitate me on bulletin boards in front of people.  Well that was it  I remembered, that in passing conversation once, she told me her ex was a photographer. And that one of hte reasons they broke up is he put some pictures up online she didn't want online  well she told me years ago  but I remmebered  and decided to go searching, using various methods of search.  Finally I find it. Not just a few pics. But HUNDREDS of pics. Fuck man there were VIDEOS. This ex had set up a paysite with her pictures  Now, the majority of people I know would have spread the pictures around,b ut no that's not what I wanted. I would have had revenge, but I'd be looked at as the badguy.  I sent her the address of the site in email, telling her so she could have it shut down.  Where's the revenge?  A. I got to see lots and lots of pictures she didn't want me to see, and she knows it.  B. As pissed as she'll want to be at me, what can she do? I"m the good guy. I sent her the site, she can have it shut down.  So I get my revenge AND come off as the good guy.  Life, for once, is sweet.  But it's rather sad that the only good thing going in my life right now is revenge.   
  I was throwing a party at my apartment one night, and when everyone left, there was a phone # sitting on my computer keyboard.  It read:  "Someone in this room loves you... call me - Teressa - (phone #)"  So i run outside to ask one of my friends Teri who this person is.  Her ex-boyfriend of about 1 week was standing next to her.  I gave her the paper, and she says: "ummm... ummm..."  Her ex grabs the paper (who i'm really good friends with) and says: "what the F%ck is this?" and throws it back at me.    It occured to me as i walked in the house that TERI is TERRESA.   
  I was in Spain a few summers ago, and in Madrid they have a nude beach for every square mile of sand in the city. Sound like fun? No.   All the fucking people who SHOULD be wearning nothing are much too fully clothed, and all the fat fucks are sitting there in the sun, butt naked, strongly resembling a beached whale trying to get a fucking tan.   My dick has never shriveled up like that on such a hot day.   
  My wife is gone for a month.   A friend of my wife brings this cute young blonde hardbody girl over my house for an early evening swim.  And she's giving me these looks and smiles.  But I don't do anything.  'Cause I know that am such a bad liar.    
  Passing the generic donut shop at Flushing, Main Street on the way to the 7 train, Steven look in the window at the shiny display of newly glazed donuts. And the cockroach slowly walking across every donut in the front row.  
  today i arrived to a cheery email from a colleague on our michigan location, informing me that i had "jepoardized the business" (a 25 million dollar company)   cc'ed to my boss and three other managers.  oh, come on now. i think she exaggerated a little.   
  i was going to ask this girl at work about some project that she had been working on    and as i approached her,  she sat there, typing away, her head turning back and forth over a 90degree arc like a water spinkler, between a paper and the monitor, her hair flapping everywhere, and in general looking like a strung-out crackho (a comparison made daily)  and i couldn't stop myself from laughing at her.  she couldn't figure out why,   so i tried to explain that she was "doing this" as i tried to imitate the possessed sprinkler head motion.   she didn't think it was funny at all  so i politely asked my question and hid at my desk, making fun of her behind her back for the rest of the day with another employee over AIM.  
  They were in bed.  "I love you," she said.  "If you ever feel the need to say that again," he gestured violently to the door. "Go into the living room, say it, and come back when you're finished."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  What would I do if tube socks could get pregnant?  
  Her boss was talking to her but she wasn't listening. Her concentration was, instead, focused on the door of the bathroom, which held one stall and was always ful, since it serviced about 50 employeesl. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, every sense focused on the inevitable creaking of the door's hinges. She would win the race this time, oh yes.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
         The girl next to me is wearing a low cut blouse .And no bra.  I wonder how many times I can get up and look down b4 she notices.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every woman I know has had a yeast infection before.  You go to the store you buy those messy, icky stinky creams and shove them up your twat and pray that you'll fall asleep before you drive your self crazy scratching that never ending itch till your vagina is raw and bleeding.  You get sick of that so you go to the doctor and get a little pink pill that takes about 24 hours to take effect (for about a fee of anywhere from $80-$100 including exam)...or you can do what I discovered...yogurt.  Plain, white, unsweetened yogurt with active cultures. Experimentation led me to the best method.  I tried shoving the yogurt up there with a spoon but that didn't do much...then I got the brilliant idea to soak a tampon in yogurt and get a nice, thick yogurty coating on it and then shove it up my cooter.  The yogurt was cool and soothing and I shit you not it worked within one day.  That nasty infection was gone and I haven't had one since.  This was two years ago.    Think about that next time you're eating yogurt!  That shit has been in my vagina!  
   he told me that he wasnt sure whether the paint fumes made him want to drink all day or the fact that anyone hes ever painted with was a drunk and it was state dependent learning i always thought it was just that he enjoyed drinking all day       
     I had dropped out of high school and was working my third job. A house framer. I had been at it for a few months but of course hadn't earned the vacation time to go along with my two brothers and my mother. They were gone only a week.     It was the last night that would have the house completly to myself. After work i by a mickey of rum and a 2L bottle of coke. 5pm, i only had a couple and my father came over for a visit. He stayed and chatted for a half hour just to see how i was and we had a really good chat. He leaves and it's back to drinking.     To this day i still have no clue what transpired that night. All i know is that i woke up to my alarm at 7am wich was fascinating that i managed to set it, the entire house was an absolute mess, and i was wearing my mothers nightgown. (i'm a guy) Not only that, i'm not sure why, but i had absolutly no hangover what-so-ever.     Till i had to take a shower and get ready for work i still wore my mothers nightgown. I found it to be comfortable. I folded it neatly and put it back under pillow and remade her bed wich i managed to mess up that night.     I work my 8 hours and return home. It was the day my family was due back from vacation and I was glad that they didn't come back early. I had time to clean the house.     To this day i got off scott free and no one ever knew what happened that night. Even i still don't know. If your out there and you know what happened that night, please, tell me. It must be one hell of a story.     Incedently, when i moved out of the house i rushed out and bought my own nightgown.  
  I have realized two things tonight  1. Tighty whiteys are one of the things wrong with my life  2. Streak marks are very hard to get out  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know who fuckin' pisses me off?  Those people who are clueless about life till they reach 17, discover history and the fine arts, become fucking leftist pseudo intellectuals for the next 8 years and then become some right-wing voting corporate tool, get married to some shallow bitch, have 2.4 kids and the cycle of toolness perpetuates itself.  I hate that.  
  So it's the night of the  u.s. history final.  my friend and i had just found this thin, 5-foot-tall cardboard box with no top or bottom.  we thought it'd be a great idea to put me in the box, and then i'd stand on a skateboard and she'd push me down the hall.  so we get almost all the way down the hall, knocking on doors and laughing hysterically when the people opened the door to see just my head sticking out of a box, rolling down the hall.  so we get to my suitemate's door, and she opens it and pushes the box over!  well, i'd been laughing for about 10 minutes straight, and when she pushed me over, i couldn't move to stop myself or anything like that.  and the only logical thing to do when you're cracking up, stuck in a box and can't move is to pee yourself.  so i did.  fortunately i kicked the skateboard out of the way in time.  and when everybody recoiled in horror at the puddle, i just laughed harder and tried to free myself from the box.  
  I have a new imaginary friend.   "Shitdamn Fuckman" He is a superhero.  
          How to Burn Bridges    Want to know some fast, effective ways to end a friendship? Here's one. Write her an email that starts out "95% of the time I email you I'm drunk, and 95% of the time I get drunk, I email you."     I don't remember the rest of the email, I remember it was pretty long, and I'm pretty sure I told her I was an alcoholic and I needed help. Funny thing is, I think I drink even more now, and I feel perfectly fine.    Never got a reply to that one. It's almost as effective as grabbing someone's sister's ass and refusing to apologize. But that, my friends, is another moment altogether.  
  "Just so you know - if a girl/woman "just lies there" it's usually an indicator that  1. She has very little experience and is terrified to do something wrong  2. She's just trying to get this over with & get out.  (and usually #1) So have a little patience fergawdsake."  Or - in my case - it's an indication that she "loves me but is not IN love with me".  Four years down the drain... So fuck you and your patience.   
  I work with this seriously huge fat ass.  Everyday he goes up to Mcdonalds, eats a two big mac extra value meal, then he gets the same to go, and eats it at his desk.  He weights about 600 pounds, is almost 40, lives with his mother in an apartment, and has never had sex in his life.  Hearing him chew is like hearing the sounds of thousands of damned souls begging for their torment to end.  I'm thinking of starting an office death pool for this guy.  $20 bucks buys you 50 days.  Pick the right day of his death, and you get the pot.  Not only is he huge, fat, and a virgin, but he's the laziest motherfucker alive.  The fat ass doesn't work.  Sitting at his desk causes him to break a sweat.  I hate his lard ass.  
  so i'm driving home one night and have to take a monster piss.  i don't want to stop, but i DO have an empty beer cup...  unzip... fill up cup... rezip.  pretty satisfied with my ingenuity, i throw the bottle out the window, which happens to be closed.  THAT was stupid, i tell myself.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there we were, talking about relationships and friends and other semi-deep things, when she said, "I can't believe they're still together after all they've been through."  Not knowing exactly to whom she was referring, I said, "Who?"  "My buttcheeks," she said.   
  this multiculturalism stuff isn't really going to arrive until I get me a Papuan accountant with his dick in a wooden tube  
  I think it's funny that Tampax has put out that new tampon called Pearl Glide or something. In the commercial they're singing, "Pearl girl, she's a pearl girl..." and they're all wearing pearl necklaces and pearl earrings.   Like these advertising executives have never heard of a pearl necklace before.   
  I was having sex with my girlfriend and when we had finished I took the condom off it had blood on it.  I looked at my cock for 10 minutes making sure it wasn't MY blood.  Then I told her about it.  Turned out her period had started early.  Great.  No sex for a week.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my person lowbrowest....  its 11:46 pm (central time), june 7 2002  im in the four points sheraton hotel in tuscaloosa, alabama. using the comp in the "business center". im from north carolina, but im here with my rents fr their HS reunion. you have to understand, i FUCKING hate alabama. only ugly girls and rednecks.   my gf back home has been sending me nudie picture of herself, so its late and i wander and im at a computer with kaaza....so you can guess what happens.  i turn off the lights, and whack it. too boot, i spray on the keyboard. ahh sweet revenge.  so if your at the four points sheraton hotel in tuscaloosa, alabama, then you have my semen on your hands.  whats even more fucked up is that im sure the night manager was doing the same thing.  i cant wait for the poor sap to be where i am now and read this.....  
  The ex knew he was in trouble when, during a discussion about expensive lingerie at the party, he turned to me and said "And I really like that blue lace corset thing you wore last week while we were fucking" to which I replied "I don't HAVE a blue lace corset." It's amazing how many people will move in closer after an exchange like that, like sharks smelling the blood in the water.  
  through trial and error I have discovered 17 different and sure-fire ways to kill a roach  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As a change of a pace in my rather dull and inconsequential life, I had taken up conversing with a glass of milk. The amount of wisdom that mammary gland excretions are capable of dispensing was to say in the least, staggering. The knowledge obtained from my new aqquaintance had given me great fortune and immense power. Then....it started telling me things. Things that were not possible. Horridly immoral things. THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT EXIST. Things were never the same. I made a choice. I buried the shattered and stained pieces of glass in my lawn....  I now enjoy the company of a hunk of cheese, who has proven to be a more "solid" companion. But there are times when I look at the shelf over the fireplace, look at a picture of my beloved glass of milk and think..........  
  While serving hotdogs at a school football game, an asshole teacher orders one, so I blew my nose on one and gave it to him. He later came back for another, and even a third, which I also blew my nose on. I later felt bad, then thought who the fuck eats THREE hot dogs in an hour??  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i bought a large quantity of cocaine and measured it out into 60 equal portions. then i put them in the freezer to keep them fresh and snorted one portion a day for 2 months. since i ran out i have never once wanted to buy more. i stopped using smokeless tobacco 12 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that i don't smell, taste, and feel it. you tell me which one should be illegal.  
  I miss Marching Band.  Seriously, you people who went to college and made fun of the band...You have no fucking clue. The entire drumline would party with the flag corps girls and get sloshed beyond the ability to walk, getting ourselves into a huge backrub daisy chain of alternating genders, passing out or moving to "other venues"...We were some slutty geeks.  I would wake up on an unfamiliar floor, with no clue as to where I was and only a passing recognition of the bodies laying around me, and scant hours before we were all expected to be in uniform and on the line.  "Dude, if I ever even LOOK at another 40 of Mickeys, I want you to punch me in the face until I stop moving."  "Will do, Darkman."  
  To my surprise, my supplier wants to hang out with me. I proudly bring out my brand-new yard-long, blue plastic three-stage bong. I load it up with his own shitty skankweed and hand it to him (the message I am trying to deliver is that he should think about moving me up the foodchain to something decent). He: "Nice bong, but the bowl sucks. You should use glass." I ask him to elaborate. He does, for about half an hour. He convinces me of the benefits of glass over metal. He produces a glass bowl, inserts it, and hands the apparatus back. I reload it with his shitty skank. Yup, it does make a difference. About a 10% difference. I sit, blowing clouds of skank-smoke around, looking at him and wondering: "How much of your life is given over to discerning the minor differences between glass and metal bowls?" I like my dope, but I don't want to live there...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         just saw a commercial for the movie "scarface."  now, it's 3 days until chrimmas.  the commercial stated that "scarface" is the perfect holiday gift.  yeah, i can see my octogenarian grandma unwrapping that.  
  so i was sitting in the car driving hoem from a field hockey tournament tonight, and she says to me :   when people call me, i always let it ring twice just so that they think i'm doing something instead of sitting by the phone and letting it ring to convince them i'm doing other things.  i just kept driving and realised how tragic it really is. what a world what a world.  
  Why don't you walk over there and take a look at the jewelry that woman is selling. Everyone seems to be stopping at her booth.  So I did.  Well, did she have nice jewelry?  Nah. It was cheap costume jewelry but since I walked all the way over there, I decided to look at her tits for a while.   Well, did she have nice breasts?  Nah, they were cheap costume tits just like her jewelry.            
  at a club. i start talking to this cute boy, later on i find out he has a gatorade bottle full of green-apple flavored vodka. he offers me some. i refuse. about a half hour later, he finishes the bottle. he's pretty drunk. he collapses. oh shit. i sit on the floor with him, he lays his head in my lap. he's shivering and sweating like crazy. i have my arms around his neck, trying to comfort him. he then picks up his head, and hurls right beside him. now swimming in his own vomit, he places his head back in my lap. i can't help it but feel bad for this kid. so, i start asking people if they know him. finally, i get an answer from some gothic kid. goth: what's wrong with him? me: he's obviously fucking drunk. the goth then searches the kids pockets, who at that point seems completely incoherent. finds, the empty gatorade bottle. throws bottle at drunk kid, than takes a chair and hurls it at us. he then says "that'll teach you to drink all of my fucking vodka" goth kid then walks away. i'm kind of scared now, so i figure i should go and look for my ride. find her, explain what's going on. we go back to the drunk, find that he's thrown up even more. she tells me to take him out to the car, she'll meet me there in a few. so i hoist him up, and have his arm around my shoulder, and my arm is around his waist, supporting him and trying to hold his shirt (which he took off) his beanie,and my vomit-covered hoodie. we walk out of the club, and almost imediatly he throws up again. big, disgusting,chunks of partially digested dinner. it smelled just like green apple=)  isn't that disgusting? that kid was so lucky to be cute. heh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have these two friends that are now dating.  we always joke around about how i should fool around with his girlfriend while he watches our "lesbian fun" because she loves me better.  it's starting to creep me out a little bit at the frequency and enthusiasm with which they both mention it.  
  I always wonder why I never see anyone drinking Red Bull, despite the pervasive advertising.  Now I know why.  If this stuff came in bottles, the company would go bankrupt.  It looks like urine, tastes like Pepto-Bismol and bug spray, and definitely does NOT give you wings.  Of course, I drank the whole thing anyway.  
  They actually have something in Italy called opera riots.   
  this weekend we're going camping and tubing on the apple river for a friend's bachelor party. i wasn't really looking forward to it for whatever reason until i read a letter in the editorials section of the paper this week from some father complaining how the apple river is no longer a "family destination" because when he took his kids there this summer there were drunks and naked women all over the place. i am now looking forward to this weekend.  
   The night began with running a red light at 90+ mph in a '67 Chrysler directly in front of a poice station, and ended with us getting kicked out of my friend's house by his father while he was still out on the roof.    It was only Sunday.       
  Sometimes I walk through stores with my cellphone headset in my ear, and have loud arguments about random things.  "No! He can't have the triple sided door unless he pays for the quartz millenium first."  "I'm just telling you, if you salt the butter one more time, we're going to have to fire you."  People look at me strangely until they see the wire hanging out of my ear, then they just assume I'm a jerk on a cell phone.   Little do they know that the wire isn't connected to anything. I'm just an idiot with nothing better to do.  
  I saw a Minivan with bearing buster mag wheels.         
  i like to feed my dog peanut butter. some people think it's mean. my dog always comes back for more.  i look at it as the food that keeps giving.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Women of my past are seemingly lost forever since most have dropped their maiden names. But that doesn't kill my curiousity.                I punched her name in "google" not expecting much even though she WAS talented.               WOW! Phd! Full professorship! Now making full-length Lesbian Sado-masochism films and lecturing on feminism!                And I thought to myself: "what I simple life I lead....."      
  Every now and then I take a trip to my Father's house in Florida.  He told me of  these  strange birds called  egrits.  Explained that they look like a horrid  mix of a pelican and a sea gull.   "Never  feed them." he tells me. "Or  they  will  bring friends and never leave.  They will shit all over everything  and beat  on the door until you  come out  and feed  them, if you're not  quick they'll walk right in the house."    "Sure  dad, whatever." I think to myself.  A couple of days later I hear this banging on the sliding glass patio door. I look to see  what it  is and it is  one of those dumb birds my dad was talking about! I open the door and start to go out, it tries to come in so I give it a littel bump withmy  foot to  push it off the deck. It  hisses  at me then  jumps   back up on the deck, hissing at me again.  Instincts take over at this point and I boot the  long  necked chicken sized bird  off the deck and over  the privacy  fence with the same powerful soccer goalie kick I used in highschool.    After  it thudded into the neighbor's yard, I heard an awful noise  of  an animal fight and realized  that  my  neighbor has a quite large and viscious German Shepard!   
  I want a car with a sunroof.  Not so I can feel the wind in my hair, but so someone else can drive me through residential areas while I shout obscenities at passers-by through a bullhorn.  
  A xylophone was represented clearly on the sound system.  Muted hornsplayed by real, live musicians came from the room in back.  "Is that livemusic? I like the stuff on the stereo better."  The bartender walked to theregister.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  My best friend in the world of 3 years, who I was planning on marrying one day, decided she doesn't care about me and doesn't want anything to do with me.  I still jerked off to her image this morning.  
  One time in my freshman dorm, I shat in a cup and left it in one of the study rooms.  No one used the study room for a while, and no one had the balls to remove it...not even the cleaning staff...eventually the smell became so bad that I smelt it in my own room and took the duty of putting my doodie away...sadly enough I haven't fessed up to it, and it's been three years and people still talk about it in that dorm. I am a legend.    
  "...yeah. i hated high school, too. HATED!" "excuse me? hated high school? you were captain of the swim team, had dozens of great friends and always got good grades. how can you say you hated high school?!" "well...it was hard getting up that early every day!"        
  *Banjo pleying*  Bum bum bum the cows will come hoooooome The cows will come hooooooome The cracker in that platter will shrivel and die Like a maaaaaaaaan fornicating with a piiiiiiiiiieeee  *Banjo pleying speeds up*  La vaca, moo  la vaca, moo la vaca, moo  la vaca, moo mooo moo mooooo!  *Banjo goes back to normal tempo*  *Starts the headbanging*  Evil veggies will pwn j00 Evil veggies will pwn j00 Evil veggies will pwn j00  Journalistic spassssmmmmmmmss la fa qua!!!! War on terrorism is tha jizzin! Taliban be shakin in theirrrrrrrrrrrrr pointy boots!  *Stops headbanging*  I wiiiiiiiiiiiiiish you would break my heeeeeeeeert, baby. Theeeeeeen I would have reason to break your hollow skuuuuuullllllllllll......baby....  *Chorus*  *Chorus shuts up*  *Enter the human beat box*  PPPPUH PLAH BOOM boo PLa Pt pt pt pla boo mm pt pt pluf Skittles Pt pt pluh ta bum bop wop poop pla ut ht mut TASTE puf poot flop bup THE noot poom plu bleet RAINBOW  I hate this coffee *scratch* I hate this coffee *scratch* Dammit I said a bagel Bagel *scratch*bagel*scratch* bagel *scratch* hooker *scratch* twelve dollars *scratch* twelve?! Dingos and women are the same *Scratch scratch* Same could be said with WOMEN and MEN and dingos *scratch scratch*  Zwoop plah  *Bongo*  This cheese is not good I cheese, therefore I am Zwoop zop biwop bang bang The cheese.....is dead.   
  During a neighborhood barbeque, my neighbor's 14 year old boy tries to join our conversation about movies. He is very insistent about why his favorite movie is Demolition Man, the main point being (to him) that they don't physically have sex in the future. He repeats this over and over and over, practically in my face, hoping I'll continue to discuss sci fi sexual hijinks with him.  I merely stare at his crotch, never saying a word or moving my eyes, until he becomes overwhelmingly flustered and runs off.  Frightening the dicks off the youth of America, one ball at a time.  
  "have you ever played sexual trivia?" the woman asked us as we pored over her yard sale lot. we didn't answer her -- i was debating over whether or not to pick up the 1980s edition of 'how to win friends and influence people,' while jon was inspecting the atari 2600 at the end of the block. "oh, you two should totally try it," she exhorted. "i got 10 orgasms in 5 minutes!"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  The other day I was walking along with some friends when I saw a handle sticking out of the marble sidewalk.  I pulled on it and realized that I was in the sword in the stone situation.  So I went to look at the sword and realized that it was actually a pizza cutter.    I replaced it because the cops were coming.  They bet me 60 dollars that they could pull it out.  Of course I took the bet knowing that there was no way they could pull it.    I ended up making 120 dollars from the police right before I woke up and realized that my dinner was done cooking.  Mmmmm pizza.        
  So your porn name is comprised of the name of your dog, plus the name of the street you live on.  Frisky Rivers.  "'Scuse me ma'am, Frisky Rivers here to clean your pool..."  
  Me: "Bacon?  I don't get it.  Why is bacon a good thing at a strip club?" Murph: "Come on.  A strip joint that sells fresh bacon is like a dream come true.  I mean come on, it's naked women and meat." Lucas: "And they sell beer at strip clubs too." Murph: "Right.  Meat, women, and beer equals perfection." Me: "So you're telling me that if I ever showed up on a guy's doorstep with some steaks, a six-pack, and said that I'd let him do anal with me, he'd be in heaven." (Insert screams of joy and laughter here.) Murph: "I think he'd have a heart attack he'd be so happy." Little do they know, I would be more than happy to do that.  Watch out, Jason, one of these nights...  
  i was in love with someone else.    "what's your game?" i asked him.  he mumbled, "well, i like you, the conversations we have.." [and here i interrupt to point out that we had fucked more times than we had engaged in conversation] "...but you know, i've been seeing someone on and off for a year, i'm ten years older than you..." he tried hard to come up with a good third reason.  "do you think," i asked, "that if you weren't good in bed you'd be here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  when he said he hated his dad Joe foolishly asked him why.  he proceed to unload the story of how his dad raped his mentally retarded sister and walked out on him mom.  in his drunken stupor he was ready to find the man and shoot him.  Joe and i sat there dumbfounded feeling as though we had walked into a jerry springer episode.  sometimes it just doesnt pay to ask questions.  
  I wonder what would happen if I stuck my hand into that "Juice Buddy  " that you see on TV all the time.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever feel the urge to eat your own cum while                                                masturbating, yet it seems revolting when it actually                                                comes time to do it?                                                  Don't worry, you're not the only one.                                                                 - bigdicklongdaddy@cincinnati.com ______________________ Thank fucking god.......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         how to make a jaw drop oneohone  so a rather attractive woman walks up to a particularly handsome married friend of mine in a bar he gets pissed when he waves his wedding ring in horny women who want to pick him ups faces and they continue regardless its offensive says he  my name is insert name whats yours is what the conversation starts as he replies diane diane says she incredulously yeh i used to be a woman and changed my sex but not my name  jaw drops  end of pickup         
  Every time I get emailed spam porn in my mailbox I always hope it is good porn.  It never is.    
   High Praise, For A Lawyer  An article profiles Rusty Hardin, the Houston lawyer you want on your side.  A rival calls him " slicker'n deer guts on a doorknob ."  
   After 10 minutes of verbal abuse aimed at me by a very hostile woman on the phone. Trying and trying to point out to her in a proffessional manner that I would need her cooperation to get her account straight. I exaustedly in my sweetest calmest voice so as not to anger her more said YET AGAIN:   "ma'am ...."    "DONT CALL ME MA'AM!" was the reply .....    All I could think was ..... "OK, BITCH!Is THAT better?"    The lowbrow part is, I didn't say it.  
  My first bartending job outside my home was at the Red Lion, Prestwick, Scotland. So big fat deal. Anyway, as was the custom back then, the place was split into a Lounge Bar, where ladies were welcome, and a Bar, where they weren't. I mostly worked the Bar, slinging endless pints of sickeningly-sweet Scottish beer across the counter (yeah, I used to like the stuff, back then). The patrons were a very mixed bunch, but one stood out because he had two fingers and a thumb on one hand, and only one finger and a thumb on the other. They called him "Jimmy The Finger," of course. He worked 5000' down in the pit, operating the big circular saw that sliced coal off the coal-face. He kept his job because he was extremely good at it. But if he was so good, how come he had lost so many fingers? Every now and again, when he had the urge to go on a bender for a year or so, he would stick another finger in the saw, collect large amounts of "compen" (Industrial Injury Compensation), and vanish into an alcoholic fog. I could tell he had one more bender in the bank, because he actually picked up his beer with the hand that only had the index finger and the thumb...  
  There is nothing sexier than a guy who can't have sex with me because he doesn't have any condoms because he wasn't expecting to get any.  But the second time, it's kind of pathetic.  Trust me, it doesn't happen a third time.  That kind of thing will get you dumped FAST.  
  I like the little yellow ducks header the best. When i get home after work and plop down for a lil lowbrow entertainment, i always want the ducks to come up. The one with the weird lil formaldahyde babies creeps me out, and the chick with the glasses is just too close, like she's in my personal space or something. Back off lady. But the ducks... the cute lil yellow ducks... they remind me of sesame street and bath time. If i don't get the ducks on the first try, i close the browser window and try again till i get them. Of course, i read all the moments that come up as i'm trying to score ducks. I don't wanna miss anything worth reading.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         took a friend of mine who was on acid to a theme park ...  we got on the rollercoaster, and the employees checking seatbelts stopped at the car in front of us, and the employees behind us had problems with a belt behind us; they never did check ours...  as the car began to go up the hill, i casually pointed out to my friend what had happened...  she screamed "they didn't check our seat belts!" the entire ride...  fucking with paranoid people is fun  
        Greg is a llama lover. I'm not talking the love of a man and his pet. I'm talking in the oh so misnamed "biblical sense".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day when i was in the middle of eating a turkey and mayo sandwich at school one of my friends told this funny joke.  I laughed and swallowed at the same time but the sandwich bits came out mynose , it burned.  Later after school my mom picked me up and she said something funny and a huge glop of snot and turkey flew at her dress.  
  I got this e-mail that just said:  "My aunts always used to nudge me at weddings and say 'you're next', they stopped that shit when I started doing the same at funerals!!  Now that is lowbrow!!!!!!!!!!!  
  I went to dinner at Logans with a couple of friends of mine.  One of them got a little bit of BBQ sauce on his chin from the messy ribs.  I pointed it out to him.  He then grabbed a dinner roll from the tray, wiped his face with it, and stuffed the roll in his mouth.  
    "This I discovered years ago: Drop a Gummy Bear into a glass of water. Leave overnight. In the morning, said Gummy Bear is five times its original size and much, much more transparent.   I used to be very easily entertained...   - whiskey_rebellion@penna.gov"   After seeing this lowbrow moment, I actually tried it myself. It's even better than it sounds!   
  Worked at a Denny's as a third shift busboy/dishwasher when I was eighteen.  If you get enough employees together, you can really get rid of a manager you hate by: 1. letting the cook that trains SWAT teams in his spare time take a 50lb box of bacon home on the back of his motorcycle 2. shove 5lb bricks of cheese down the disposal in the dishroom 3. have the craziest cook challenge the assistant manager to a fight at the beginning of first shift--everyone watched the mgr go straight to his office and lock himslef in for safety. 4. Let the mean cook Talitha hock a big one on the head waitresses Dennyburger. Laugh with restrained glee as she eats it, and thanks the cook by asking her for anohter one.  Nothing like working at Denny's-a geek hillbilly no-class soap opera for sure.  Corporate closed that restaurant (in 1982) on Princeton Pike in Cincinnati 6 weeks after I quit. Out of six managers and assistant managers we had during the 4 MONTHS I worked there, only two knew what they were doing and had the people skills to run at successful restaurant. They both found jobs elsewhere with the competitors quickly, and we weren't even trying to get them fired.  
  i just recieved a prescription from the doctor, and she said i might get a bit nauseated, and have some slight gas.   slight gas?  i'm doubled over in pain from these fuckers, and each one has me even more paranoid than the last that i'm gonna shit my pants.   
  College party, 1983  "No, no...please don't go," she said between sobs. Curled around the toilet, she grabbed the rim as she vomited again. The vodka had already come up; now it was the beer's turn for rapid exit.  I stayed beside her on the bathroom floor, rubbing her back as she heaved. It would be time to wipe her lips and the corners of her mouth with the washcloth soon...comfort and cleansing, my evening duties for this particular party. I couldn't understand why she drank, since it always ended like this.  "Help me up," she said, grabbing at my arms. "I have to pee."  I helped her wobble to her feet. "You want me to wait outside while you go to the bathroom?"  She started to cry again. "Don't leave...stay here with me." Clumsily, she pulled down her jeans and panties, sat hard, reached out for my hand. As she pissed, she looked up at me, eyes watery and unfocused. "You hate me, don't you?"  "Of course not."  "Please don't hate me...I didn't mean to get drunk. I promise." She squeezed my hand, pulled me closer. "Tell me you don't hate me."  "I don't hate you." I stroked her head with my free hand. A fart echoed from the bowl as the pissing subsided. She fumbled for the toilet paper, and I helped her get a handful to dry off. Unsteadily, she stood as she pulled her pants up. Before she could fasten them, she fell to her knees again, face to the bowl. The last of the beer and most of the chips and dip from the party came up this time.  The party cycled on outside our little inner sanctum of tears and vomit. Someone had put on a Huey Lewis and the News album, and I could hear laughing. I sat beside my girlfriend, watching her be ill and regretful, sobs echoing in the porcelain bowl. "I'm so sorry," she was saying, repeating it over and over like a mantra. "So sorry."  I stood, rinsed the washcloth in the sink. She'd need another wipe soon.  
  i'm in the office restroom, and i cough out a particularly disgusting loogie - making terrible gurgling noises trying to get the shit out of my throat.  barely a second after i spit the disgusting stuff into the sink, a co-worker walks in.  i'm the only other person in the bathroom, and there's no way he couldn't have heard the cat-dying-while-in-heat noises i made while hacking up the loogie.  i wash my hands and walk out like nothing's happened.  
  i was using MS Word writing some paper on Vietnam. i type the following sentence: More black men were killed in Vietnam that all the other minorities combined. the words "more black" get that green squiggly line, so i right click, and word suggests that i say "Blacker."  
  It was the last time we fucked, but oh, it was good. I tied her up, and she loved it as always; and while I had her immobile it occurred to me ... "Where are you going?" she asked. I sauntered off to the bathroom, came back with my razor and shaving cream. Shaved that pussy bare. I don't know what she told the new boyfriend &#151; I just know that whatever it was, she was thinking about me. :-)  
  In highschool I kept a leather cord tied from my penis to my beltloop.  I would stand next to Sarah in the hall with my hand on my hip tugging it with my index finger while speaking to her.  
  I like to msg my friends while they are at work. I usually wait until they mention they have ppl around their desks. Then I like to describe in graphic detail what i would like to do to different parts of their bodies with my mouth. They usually don't respond for awhile.  
  I have been going to the gym for a long time and am getting pretty strong now.  I'm doing legs, squats to be specific, with 350 pounds, and I feel a slight pressure in my abdomen. Kind of like I need to fart. I hold it in until I finish a set, make my way to the locker room and let out a scorcher. I go back to the squat rack to do one more set. I get the bar off the rack and start down for my first rep when the feeling comes back. I ignore it. I do a couple more reps and the weight is feeling really heavy. So is the gut pressure.  I go down for my last rep and put all my energy and concentration into exploding upward for a strong last rep. I forgot to concentrate on not farting. I shit my pants in an explosive display of rectal fireworks and shot a turd that felt like it would rip through my shorts.  I always take a dump before a leg workout now.  
  In the ultra cynical noir futuristic high technology future...  an enterprising person will change their name to Satan after they purchase a slice of land from Kuwait on an oil field.  There, they will dig out large caverns over the oil pits, and with the proper staff will have a perfect working model of HELL.    Then, for a hefty price, you can finally send people to HELL!! And for an extra 5.95, you can preserve, on digital media, the sight and sound of their (almost) eternal torment in the fire,flames and inferno!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a girl i know is going to belize in three weeks. she said there is a parasite down there that resembles some form of tape worm, but lives under the skin. to remove it, you have to pull it through the skin really, really slowly, or it will break off inside you. i mean really slowly, over days or weeks... so they pull some out, tape the exposed piece of worm to your skin, wait until the next day, pull some more out, and so forth... i can't sleep anymore because that's so fucking disturbing thanks for the info.  
  My brother went to college in West Virginia.  I went to visit him when I was 17 and he took me to a coal miner bar that had a shaved nude dancer they called Face cause her head was way bigger than it should have been.  A coal miner paid her five bucks to eat her in the corner.  She sold us a doobie on her break. Some woman kept pacing up and down the bar saying "My tooth! My tooth!" and doing shots of whiskey.  My brother always did know the best places to drink.        
   Existentialism 101  I'm listening to Bruce Cockburn singing. He poses the question: "If this was the last night of the World, what would I do that was different?" I think about that one for a while. It troubles me. The existential chasm starts to open at my feet. Scary. Then it closes again, and I think: "Well, I'd probably load up a credit card or two, for starters..."  
  I picked her up and brought her home. She was a friends ex and I knew that she had never put out for him. I screwed her six ways from Sunday, but the whole time I was wondering, how much I should tell my friend and why she had insisted on showering before we had sex.  I saw her on the bus the other week, but I didn't ask.  I just gave her one of those weak smiles, I'm not half as charming on a bus  I hate public transport.  
  i can't verify this, but it must be true, as my friends never let me forget about it.  waffle house, hwy 54 at fayetteville, south durham. around 3am.  the entire restaurant was staring at me as i stood in a booth, screaming one phrase over and over.  "child penis."    
  Thrice has a woman that I loved broken up with me.  Two had sex with me the night it ended. I will worship them for eternity.  The third...we never spoke again.  
  Sometimes I give strangers my name, number, and address in hopes that they will stalk me.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We went outside to see what all the hoopla was about. Seems the fellows on the third floor had set fire to the outside couch, we used to sit on it when smoking, and tossed it over the balcony.  Appears they wanted a bonfire and more chicks.       
  We'd been shopping, and I'd bought a stereo. We were hungry and we stopped at a pub on the way back and I ordered half a roast chicken covered in bbq sauce, i'm THAT hungry.  When the waitress comes and brings our food, it's somebody I used to fancy really bad from school. We say "Hi" and ask each other how we're doing and she puts this ostrich sized chicken covered with bbq sauce, corn on the cob, with a huge jacket potatoe on the table in front of me. All I can think is:  "she's gonna think I'm a fat greedy bastard now".   I realise later that I've put on at least 2-3 stone since I last saw her.  I REALLY hate that.  
  When I was 12 I stayed at home while my mom left for about 20 minutes to visit my aunt down the road.  She left a pot of noodles on the boil, and told me to turn them down if they started to boil over. I, thinking I would be a good son, decided to have dinner ready when she got home.  I grabbed the pot off the oven by the handles on each side.  Keep in mind, this was a pot big enough to cook a brisket and had been boiling for an hour.  The handles were very hot.  In, fact, halfway to the sink to drain the noodles, the left handle slipped from my grip and an entire pot of boiling water poured on my left thigh and both of my feet.  I let out a scream and immediately took my pants off.  By that time, I already had three fist sized blister raised about 3 inches off of my leg. 10 minutes later i had one large blister the size of my thigh.  That'll teach me to be a considerate son, huh?     
  Got kicked out of my house on my 21st Birthday. My friend Dan's parents let me live with him in the basement...I'm skipping work right now and indulging in prescription painkillers and 16oz MGD plastic bottles. Which is more Lowbrow, all of the past statements or the fact that I'm waiting for his sister to get home?  
  alopacia areata  its a disease that causes the hair folicles to be attacked by your own immune system  i have it  patchy hair on my legs, ass, and head (my down-there hair is uneffected)  so, i use this cream called ALDERA to treat it  if you use aldera, your already laughing  why? because it was designed by 3M to treat GENITAL WARTS  yes, just because I have Goddamn spots, genital warts cream on the head,   e v e r y   n i g h t    
       I had to buy my girlfriend a birthday present, but I had no money. So I went to give blood to get money, and as a result, I found out that she gave me gonorrhea.  Happy Birthday indeed.    
  House down the street burned down.  Arson. Baby died.  Probably dead from abuse beforehand, hence the fire.  Hundreds of yards of "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" tape for the next two weeks.  They finally bulldoze the place flat, but leave some of the tape.  I grab it, sneak downtown one Saturday night, drape it around my ex-boss's business, front and back.  It takes the bastard until 3pm Monday to get permission to remove it.  I've still got some left :-)  
   Green grapes cut in half in the microwave... very amusing.. it will keep college guys amused for hours upon hours....       
  I was in a dorm room speaking to some of the other students when one, a man from Malaysia, started showing his scars, pointing to one, telling about the rock climb catastrophe which produced it, pointed to another, told about how he had been in an accident of some sort etc etc etc.  On his forearms were some long scars, like attempted suicide scars. Then a girl present asked him about these scars. I thought she was insensitive for asking about the scars on his wrists.  Oh he says, I was in a machete fight, some dude was drunk and slashed at me.  Good I thought, not attempted suicide scars. So I pipe up Didja kill the sonofoabitch?   The room fell silent. That was the day I learned not to ask questions whose answers I don't really want to know the answers to.  
  He said, "Sex is just a bonus"        
  So when I was in 9th grade, I got in real big trouble for pissing in this guy's locker in the locker room. All over his gym clothes and shit, also his shoes.  I felt good because this kid was a fuckhead and I never did like him anyways. Aside from school suspension, my punishment was to write letters of apology to the kid, his mama, various teachers/coaches, etc.  At the bottom oh his letter, I wrote "FUCK YOU I'LL DO IT AGAIN ASSHOLE" barely concealed with white-out.  I always wonder if he read that part, I never asked him.  
    Sometimes life is refreshing. Sometimes it smells like an old pair of jeans you wore for 3 weeks straight to smoky clubs, steamy open air conerts, and while working in the yard.      
  I don't know what made her lose interest. Maybe it was guilt. Or self-conciousness. But "No" seemed to mean "No", as she said she didn't "want to" and started putting her socks and knickers back on. So being a male, my reflexive response was "Errr well does that mean a blowjob is out of the question?"    
  Sabatino's in little italy, downtown Baltimore at 3am. After a night of dancing, doing Yoda impressions for the two Thai girls in black cocktail dresses, I thought "Jesus, I have to be at work at 8 in the morning."        
  10pm. Lots of excellent beer in the 'fridge, but the dime bag is all gone. Where's that gorgeous hardwood pipe I've had for the last two years, without ever cleaning it?  It'll split in half real easy...  
  I work in IS...  My co-worker just got off the phone with a user (luser?) who she was helping to install a network printer.  When he got to the step where you put the name of the printer, she said "just type the name of the network printer" and he got all indignant and said "No!  I'm going to call it Sylvia!!!!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Hudson River Tales #18 Port is Red. Starboard Is Green.  (Just a short one. I promise.) 3am, narrow stretch of the river. We have a tow down with about two minutes to go before we pull it back on board. Gorgeous, quiet Autumn night. Stars and planets wheeling above us. Moon just setting. The planet Mars shining brighter than ever... Me: "I've never seen Mars shine quite that bright and red, before." John: "It  is  really bright tonight ...  Holy fuck! What's that GREEN planet?"  Green planet - Nope. Mars - Nope. Navigation lights of an 80,000 ton car transporter bearing directly down on us at 20 knots - yes. We know exactly what to do. Skedaddle sideways as fast as possible. Oh, but we are towing thousands of dollars of research gear that would take a long time to get on board! But that is exactly why we always keep a big pair of bolt-cutters hanging right next to the towing cables...  
  The dark-haired guy plugged three quarters into the jukebox, punched some numbers.  Five seconds later, it started to play "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits.  She sang along, half-embarrassed she knew all the words.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  My dad spent fifteen minutes describing the state of Jim Henson's leg using a half eaten drumstick.  
  I just read a moment that said: "When I was five, my older brother accidently broke our teacup poodle's neck by spanking it off of the couch."  But the first time I read it, I thought it said:  "When I was five, my older brother accidently broke our teacup poodle's neck by spanking it off ON the couch."  What a difference a letter makes.  
  i wish i was a river boat gambler... then i could wear garters on my arms, and have one of those really cool things where a gun/knife comes out with a flick of my wrist. and best of all, i could all the girls "doll" with out getting a dirty look  
  For weekday breakfasts I make a smoothie of yogurt, banana and coconut milk. For weekend breakfasts I make a smoothie of yogurt, banana, coconut milk and vodka. The weekend version isn't as healthy, so i have a few.   
  In my lit class, my prof asks for journals.  I write them when I am too drunk to type. I correct the errors in the morning.  Prof always writes "YES!" in the margins.  I bet that son of a bitch drinks too much, too.    
  So I was down there, trimming the hedges this morning, and I decided instead to clearcut the forrest.  You know, Dr. Evil was right...  "There's nothing quite like a shorn scrotum...It's breathtaking...I  suggest you try it."  
  i have a large beergut which i have aquired over the last few years and it now has strechmarks on it so bad it looks like i spilled a bowl of spaghetti on it  
  my teacher was very concious about her wieght.  but even so everyday she ate from the bag of candy she kept in her desk.  one day i convinced myself that i would do her a favour by stealing the candies.  so i proceeded to do so, by the end of the year i had stolen 15 grocery store sized bags from her desk.  I of course ate them all.  I now have more serious diabetes than my dying grandmother and i'm only 17. karma's a kick in the teeth eh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This story really only has an impact if you know my parents, which you probably don't. lol.  So It's Friday night, about 10pm. My brother arrives at our house (he's older and moved out long ago), me, him and my sister have planned to take my sister driving. So we start driving, for at least ten hours. After speeding through a foggy midnight road, we reach SOMETHING that can tell us where we are. Unfortunately, for us, it's the US - Canada border.  So we drive along the border. There are about 50 empty roads that we can choose from. We pick one, at random. My bro gets out and my sis gets in the front seat. We're going at about 10k, she's not touching the gas. A car drives by, sister freaks out. Tsk tsk. So There's a building up ahead. In the parking lot, there's a cop car. I look at my watch, it's 1:30, it's been illegal for my sister to drive since midnight. So my brother figures it's no big deal, tells her to park, they switch. The cop gets out of the car and walks towards us. As it turns out, the building we pulled into was a Chicken Factory (yes, a factory) that had just been robbed*. They thought we were the getaway car. So we tell them what we were doing, and he takes our liscences back to his car, just in case. As he walks away, my brother informs us that his liscence expired over six months ago. Of course, as most cops in Canada are nice, they usually overlook it. And this cop did so. He lets us go, and we are almost out of the parking lot, when their lights start blinking. So this bitch partner of his has seen that my bro's liscence is exp'd. She tells him, he can't "not see it" so we're stuck, at the border, alone. We live far away from the border, and if you are a regular lowbrow user, you have probably seen one or two stories about my mother's wrath. Where the hell were we going to go?? The cop's can't bloody drive us home!! So we leave the car there, get them to drive us to one of my brother's friend's houses. All the way there, that bitch is whining, but I wasn't paying attention. I was listening to the radio. By the border, there was this huge car chase, helicopters, and spike belts. And "Bitchy McDetails" and her friend are sitting around in a parking lot of a chicken factory that got robbed over three hours ago. I slept on the floor. My mother never found out. So I suppose it's a happy ending. But I didn't play any video games, or have any kind of party. Whine whine yeah yeah, fuck you puppet.  *Who the hell would rob a chicken factory???  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just took a shower and shaved EVERYTHING. I feel so much better. But when it starts to grow back and you're havin' sex, it's like rubbin' two pieces of velcro together! That doesn't feel too good :-(  
  "well, actually, my life's looking up right now."  thought: you're life's looking up? in what way? you've become an alcoholic, an avid smoker, you have no money, you owe your parents 500 dollars for a late car payment, therefore grounding you from your car, you're dating a high school senior who is known to be the biggest slut in the town... and you have been through two years of college at two different schools, and my freshment self has more credits that you do, and you failed half your classes not even been a full time student.  and you're 20.   how's that for revenge?       
  The underlying buzz in the office today was that someone down at street level got clocked in the head with a piece of masonry by some homeless guy. It's the third time I've heard of this happening in less than 2 years. Maybe it's time to leave this city. The buildings are falling apart and the crazies are beginning to take over.  
  i work at an autoparts store (a big chain but to remian unamed). I was having a really shitty morning, and this guy walks in and hes all fucking loud and rude with me so i over charged him, by 300% and he had no clue. It felt good, to be able to effectively rape someone with money, but they dont really know it. so i did it again. and again, even to people who arnt loud rude stinky grumpy ugly or anything else.  i still do.  I have a lot of shitty days.  I got a raise for making the store so much money.    next time you go buy car parts or have your car serviced, smile at the poor sap behind the counter and maybe you wont be paying as much  
  While smoking a cigarette, drinking a shot and sipping a beer, I realized that I could drop dead at any moment.  It seemed like a good idea to make peace with God.  It then occurred to me that I don't know how.   
  One of my friends got married on Splash Mountain at Disney World...  They "took the plunge" just before they took the plunge...  
  You know what was great? Two tacos for a dollar at Taco Bell. Two bucks and you had dinner.  Every night.   
  walking with my friend, i jokingly say "A PORTAPOTTIE! LETS TIP IT OVER!" from inside the portapottie we heard a faint scream, "nooooooooooooooo!" damn. we really shoulda tipped it over.  
  Ford decided that it could appeal to European car enthusiasts more if it raced cars there. Their first attempt was the fabulous GT40, which they entered into the Le Mans 24-hour race (and which it would eventually dominate for years). At the time, Britain had no speed limit on motorways, so they tested the GT40 on the M1 motorway ... at 200mph. Very shortly thereafter, a nationwide 70mph limit was enacted. British car enthusiasts will  never  forgive Ford.  
  i still remember my first time. my parents were out of town and this guy i was diggin came over. he offered and i of course didnt turn it down. i took my first puff of that sweet reefer and coughed till a puked all over the place. now we toke and look back on the moment and think "good times".  
  years ago it was a hot and sweaty day at the gilroy garlic festival i met a nurse who was on her way to san luis obispo but she was impressed by my juggling no, really that or the wine coolers and drove me back to san jose so we could fuck later her sweaty cotton sun dress pushed up to her armpits she asked my permission to remove it i always regretted that i didn't bite her ass  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a great friend who absolutely reeks of lowbrow.  Dave and I always say 'man Jason could write shit that really happened to him for days.'  Last night he told us about the time when he lived in Chicago - apparently a cat crawled up into a warm engine and was killed when the owner started it this next a.m.  Said owner then left it for a while not knowing what to do and Jason ended up picking the frozen pieces of cat out of the engine and belts and shit with a fucking screwdriver.  Must teach that boy to type.  
  I sent a lot of unevoked emails to curious people with even more curious content. Out of 8 I got back 1, if you can count the police knocking at your door as one.        
  The nastiest grizzled old bum hit us up for spare change as we left the mall. He was carrying a gas can, claiming it was for gas. "What kind of car do you have?" I asked. "ummmm, a truck...?" he muttered. "And what kind of mileage do you get?" I asked. "ummmm, dunno... bout... 15?" "What color is it?" I asked. "uhhh... blue?"  "Show me" I demanded. "A blue truck hit my dog yesterday. And you want me to give you money? YOU FUCKING DOG KILLER!" He scampered away, carefully watching me to make sure I didn't follow him. A good offense is the best defense.  
   Creative Revenge 101  My boss and his accountant screwed me out of $10,000. They used to be best friends with each other -- had dinner at each other's houses and so on. Past tense. Using his business VISA card, I ordered a couple hundred dollars of very sheer lingerie from victoriassecret.com. I had them delivered to the accountant's cute seventeen year-old twin daughters, with a note saying: "I can't wait to rip these off you". The note was cryptically signed: "Ditz", which I had discovered by chance was my boss's high school nickname. The gift was a mystery for two weeks, until the accountant was going over the business VISA statement :-)  
  as a redhead, i think the most common question i get asked, aside from "do you dye your hair that color?" is "what color is your pubic hair?" i get this question more often from guys than from girls.  what the fuck dudes? what's with the fascination of my pubes? I'M A FIRECROTCH. big fuckin deal. damn i wish i'da been able to say that with confidence in my pubescent years, instead of turning beet red and having everyone laugh at me.  
  i send all the unique urls to my moments to my girl, as i honestly belive that my personal moments do not cycle through with all the other moments.  when she opened the page about phone sex in a crowded room, she kinda bitched at me...  wonder what shed do if she read a moment about that time (twice, actually) we fucked on the playground behind the dorm....  guess ill find out ;-)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she said indignantly you have no idea what it is like to be me do you you havent the faintest clue he interupted yelling no i wouldnt know what its like to be drop trou ho and wag my puss in front of any slob that gave me the time of day hoping to get boned asap before my boyfriend quoteunquote found out you are right loud enough for the whole place to hear and to make every conversation cease crickets chirping painful silence she boiled over and ran crying he smirked the smirk of the upperhanded         
  Conversation with Subway "Sales Representitive"   Me: Ya lemme get a footlong meatball sub on wheat  Her: A footlong sub?  Me: Yes a footlong sub  Her: With meatball or..  Me: Yes a footlong meatball sub  Her:On white or wh...  Me:Wheat..  Her: Want anything on it?  Me: No plain please.   Her:Lettuce?  Me:Plain  Her:Tomato, mayo mustard?  Me:No I said plain..PLAIN. As in nothing on it. I want to bite into the sandwich and taste nothing but my wheat bread and meatballs.  Her:Oh...so you don't want chips then?  Me: ......I'd like a plain meatball sub, footlong, on wheat in a bad with some napkins and preferably cut in half.   Her: Ok here you go.    By the time I got it back to my cubicle at work and sat down to watch Blair Witch, I took a big bite into the sub that had pissed me off oh so much to find an assortment of ice cold meatballs. Fuckin Subway.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Props for Stouffers Fettucini Alfredo.  3 minutes and 25 seconds in the microwave.  Massage the noodles and sauce in the plastic bag so the heat is even dispersed.  Cut approximate 2 inch slit in side of pouch.  Insert penis.  Enjoy the creamy goodness.  
  I once had insomnia for 5 days.  My boyfriend claimed he could cure it. He did by going down on me until I had an intense orgasm which knocked me out.  I woke up the next morning so excited that I finally slept 8 straight hours.  My man is the best!  
  "why are you so mean?"                 "its cause I'm constipated"              "well go get some laxatives and stop complaining"                     "oh no no no. Its not that I can't poop, its that Im saving it. incase someone tries to rape me I can poop on them. remember feces is your last line of defense"  
  Here's a thought What if beached whales were actually the criminals of whale society? And by saving them, we're actually contributing to whale crime. I presented this idea to Tara and she said that the real reason was probably that the whale was sick and got kicked out of the pod. But I think its just because the whale robbed the first national whale bank. They have kelp.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's not having your guts churn and bleed.  It's not being unable to breath, throwing up acid vile muck.  It's not having your stomach pumped, or drinking cup after cup of nice cold black charcoal liquid stuff.  It's lying paralyised in a bed in intensive care, your penis shrivelled to the size of a pea (with catheter)and suddenly getting the runs like no-one ever has before, spraying everywhere out of me, again and again.  My lowbrow moment? The nurses in the ward laughed and laughed and laughed at me.  (and the doctors shoved what felt like a large test-tube up my arse)  
  When I was 16, I got Religion from an American Baptist mission that set up in my little Scottish town.  Oh boy, did I ever. Born again.  I got it so bad that I used to go on tour.  I'd stand up in front of halls full of old people* and happily explain how I'd taken Jesus into my heart.  After about a year, I recovered completely.  But to this day I can still remember how dangerously  seductive  it was to never have to think for myself.   ------------------  *We always described them as "cramming for their finals"    
   Anyone notice that since Prince lost the name he's totally sucked?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It seems like just last month the Shell station just had the one kind of cigarette lighter; it had a rack of plastic Bics.  Now there are those, plus little round lighters, plus extra-big pastel Scripto lighters, plus I don't know what else.  Who's out there demanding this many disposable-lighter designs in this many colors?  I understand it for some things.  I like a good selection of mustards as much as the next guy.  But lighters?  Come on.  
  I dated this girl who is in my circle of friends. Sometimes, we end up in the same group on nights out. I watch her from my seat next to my wife. Later, when I am doing my wife from behind, it's that girl I am thinking about.  
  I almost had my lowbrow shit-my-pants story... pabst blue ribbon and mexican food the night before, pushed out a fart but turned into a little nugget. Unfortunatly for you lowbrowers it clung to my ass until I could release it into the bowl.  sorry guys. I will do better next time, promise!!!  
  We're ripping the bong in my friend's backyard.  He makes some crude joke and I make the tragic mistake of laughing into the bong.  The weed flies out with a little water.  I have the lighter and I'm down on the ground.  "Is that the weed?"  "I dunno man; smoke it, smoke it."  "It's not pulling too well man..."  "Hold on let me try."     "Well?"  "Yeah, that's dirt man.  You were smoking dirt."  "Fuck.  Hey, is that the weed?"  
  Someone asked me to post this for them  "Me and my brother were talking one night in his room while he was laying in bed. After a while he said, 'Alright, I'm going to bed, turn off the lights.' I turned em off, and opened the door to leave, but then, deciding to do something to freak him out, I shut the door w/o leaving and waited silently in the dark. After five minutes of unsuccessfully trying to come up with something that would adequately freak him out, I get up and open the door.  'What were you doing?' he asks. 'I was gonna scare you,' I tell him. 'Oh,' he says. 'Well, good thing you're leaving, because I was about to start jerking off.' I don't hang out in my brother's room very much anymore."  I imagine that it would be even worse for me if that happened to me with my sibling, an 11 year old sister.  
   So I quit Smoking. I gave in to the Nancy Regan inspired, just-say-no, anti-drug and "nicotine is a drug you know" bullshit. And most of my firends smoke and their very presence makes me wanna torch up. And it is kinda lame to give into to the corporate irradication of a "drug" that the insurance companies want us to hate so they can keep their profit margins as large as god. Went through the "herion stage" where the withdrawl was about to make my nerves crackle and everyone needed to die, instantly, in order to bring me peace. And here I am, at the receiving end of a "hey-wanna-smoke" and an outstretched pack o' my favorite butts and I hafta to say what? No? Really? What if I sneak just one? RJReynolds, if I find you, you are a dead man...     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The only difference between picking your boogers now and picking them when you were a kid is you don't eat them now you put them underneath your chair.  
  married....  have a 3 year-old....  wife's pregnant....  i masterbate a lot   
  We loaded my friend's wrecked motorcycle onto the back of a truck, without benefit of a ramp, on the hottest day of the year. I spotted a gallon jug of that cheap fruit punch in the bed and grabbed it.  Wow, it's still cool even in this heat,  I thought. I swallowed two gulps of the gasoline before I realized...  
  The crazy old lady with a million smelly cats roaming around her house---I had another dream about screwing her last night.  
  After an evening of philosophy and pot with my anthropologist friend, I called a cab to take me home. The cab company was short-staffed*, so they sent a white stretch limo to pick me up.  So here I am, dressed like I'm painting a house, quite stoned on a visiting friend's weed, sitting all the way in the back of this stretch limo, with nobody else in the car but the driver,  waaaaaaaay  up in the front. The guy asks me if I want the radio on.  "Sure," I say. He hits the Radio Power switch, and it must be connected up to other things, because suddenly, these blue neon stripes that run the length of the interior light up. I'm flipping out. I can hardly keep from gibbering and giggling out loud. The stripes (which were more or less the only source of illumination) made the car feel 100 feet long.  I tried desperately to find a radio station I liked, but it was only a 10-minute cab ride. I tipped the guy $2.    *Funny how many lowbrow.com stories involve a business being "short-staffed."  
   The Bar Scene Slowly Gets Old  What does a guy do when the current crush of his life, quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the world, runs up to him yet again, squeezes her perfect slim young body against him, and whispers passionately in his ear: "I love you. I just LOVE you!" Well, it wouldn't be very nice to slap her, even though the inclination has been rising for a while, so these days I just gently hug her back, smile, buy her yet another drink, and wait for her to go back to whatever it was she was doing.  Fuck the bar scene!  There's not a single atom of honesty or truth in it! The real LowBrow here is that, once again, it took me a whole year to figure that out. (Yeah, I figured it out once before, but then conveniently forgot.) I'm going back to the BrewPub -- at least  that's/i> not part of the bar scene circuit...  
  Tonight, i was bored.. so i decided to randomly follow a car.  I stayed back fairly far, and i thought that the person in the car hadnt seen me. But then i got bored and started to go home... i was half way back home when i got pulled over by the police... turns out the person saw the car... and the plate when i turned around.. damn streetlights... but i got out of it... i pretended that i was lost... and got a police escort to the main road.. it was fun.        
  he sidles up to my computer&nbsp;  gives the&nbsp;  do ya mind&nbsp;  look and gesture and i shrug  he starts wandering through my mp3s and gets neil young barstool blues to buzz through my old winamp2  i pull the covers off the speakers and lay a small precut piece of acetate behind the grill  to give it that old boston garden fuzz  he asks me if i got anymore mailbombs lately  yeah duh  told him about jennyyeah mail and he gets on the brow clicking like a madfuck  about an hour later i hear him yelling     where oh where jennyyeah baby yeah yeah     in his best austinpowers  dood most people eat lunch on their lunchbreaks  
  The boy I love spooed on my office mate's coat, which was hanging behind the door we were pressed up against.   She's a neurotic freak.  Whenever I look over and see the coat hanging there, and think of her slipping it on in the near future, I smile.  
  This, my friends, is a 209.21.28.129 moment.  
  So I like to sew. One day I made these really nice velvet pillows. Later I used the scrap velvet to get my bf off.   The next day I was wrapping a present for my dads live-in gf of about 16 years who is a total bitch. I was out of ribbon. So I wrapped her present with the extra velvet. Muhahahaha... needless to say she thought it was great. Did that whole oooohhh..soft fabric, rub it against your face deal.   She wears it as a ponytail holder all the time now and everytime we see her my bf and I just smile.   
  my friend was really drunk one night. and he was getting really hungry on the way home. its been 4 years since then, and he still says that his strawberry chapstick tasted good.  
  i'm really pretty sure there  is   such a thing as bad publicity.  
  It took me over 20 years to figure out those "courtesy of Fred's two feet" lyrics in The Flintstone's theme. (Now I'm working on whatever comes before "...and the kids are finally smiling/such joie de vivre" in The Nanny.)        
  Tonight at Best Buy, the woman ahead of me had her name (I presume it was her name) tattooed on her arm - "Tameka".  I thought, "Dang, that must make remembering her name easy on the guys she sleeps with."  When did I turn into such a judgemental bitch?  
  Meat is murder.  Maybe that's why it's so satisfying.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         at my best friend's 15th birthday party we smoked pot for the first time then our semi-annoying friend brian catelle was banging a meat tenderizer and chanting "order in the court"...he was beat over the head with it until he bled a little...he wasn't hurt that bad but we all felt guilty...soon after though, all of us held him down while my best friend's dog got off in his face...i was just glad i wasnt' the runt...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         waiting. the light says 'don't walk'. a cop car sits next to us. my drunk roomate jumps on his board and skates across the intersection. we follow. the cop fires up his cherries, runs the light, and commands us to stop. we do, he pulls up next to us. cop "how old are you?" me "twentyseven." (i am) "wha... what? shouldn't you be old enough to know the goddamn difference between walk and don't walk?" "i mean no offense, sir, but i am also old enough to know the difference between cars approaching and cars not approaching." "wha... what? you... uh... do you want a fucking $110 jaywalking ticket?" "not really sir." he glares at me. "then have a nice night" and he peels off. yes.  yes i will.  
  Couple years ago I went to visit my dad and step-mother for Thanksgiving.  The night before Turkey Day my step-mother made fish chowder.   That night -all night- I was violently ill.  I had it out of every orifice.  I swear that chowder was like a the worst intestinal virus known to humankind.  Spent the whole next day and half of the day after that one step from the bathroom.  Missed Thanksgiving dinner, of course.  My dad (a doctor) said it must have been some virus I picked up on the plane.  I still think it was the damn chowder. That's the second time my step-mother has poisoned someone with her cooking.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother does a massive halloween display every year so does the guy across the street.Needless to say tons of kids show up.  We always put this massive smoke machine in the front yard. Whats cool is that it has a remote control, which I have at all times.  The front yard this particular year had headstones in it. The smoke machine was right near them.   So this little girl who was about 6 years old dressed like a little princes crossed the boundry we had set up to keep people from knocking things over.  Right as she was leaning in to look at the headstone I pressed the smoke machine button. The machine lets out a wicked hiss. She smashed her face right into the headstone and took off crying.She droped her bag of candy.  I taught her a powerfull leason abouts crossing boundries that night, plus she had a lot of peanut butter cups in her bag which I ate later that night.  
  Someone just came into my record store and bought not one, but TWO Jimmy Buffet CDs at the same time.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know what bothers me? Women who wear skintight shirts without bras, and then complain when men stare. Likewise goths who just want to be treated "like everyone else."  Honestly. If you don't want the attention, don't try so hard to attract it.  
  What were the odds I would be walking down a nursing home corridor passing by a quadraplegic guy's room while his TV was on just in time to catch  that old Stouffer's french bread pizza commercial jingle trilling "Just One Hand Is All You Need!" and could overhear him growl one word "IF"?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you know the saying "if its yellow, let it mellow..." well you know your family is a bit too gung-ho when you find a layer of urine congealed on top of the toilet water. ugh.  
   Check out my Hotmail address. I bet all you other stupid bastards are pissed off that I got it first. - stupidestbastard@hotmail.com    Nah, mines way cooler-   Love, Boogers  
  once more with feeling people do not have to be breeders they can be whatever the fuck they want and if you decide to keep pointing the finger at others and exposing their so called ills and scars thinking that you personally hold the key to all that is right and correct you best take a look at your asshole because i believe your head may be inserted up there aka stop staring out at the world through your belly button        
  One of us stole a bottle of Creme de Menth from the kitchen at the hotel where we worked. It was green, the kind you cook with, but we didn't care. We just wanted to get drunk.  That night was the night before Thanksgiving. It was cold, so we had a bonfire in the woods. We drank cases of Milwaukee's Best (Beast) and ate pounds of kielbasa soaked in the rancid brew and cooked over the fire. For dessert we finished the bottle of Creme de Menth.  I remember almost killing my best friend that night, when I dropped him while dragging him home through the woods. We finally got him home, though. Left him on the step. Rang the bell. Ran away.  The next morning he called. His mom had called an ambulance for him when she found him on the stairs. He was covered in green puke. She panicked. She thought he had drunk anti-freeze.  It was the funniest thing I had ever heard. I laughed and laughed. Until I went downstairs and smelled the Thanksgiving dinner.   That's when I learned that Creme de Menth puke really *does* look like anti-freeze.  
  I was talking with this straight edge kid at work.  He told me that his friend's girlfriend wanted to stay a virgin.  So they did anal.  At the end, she pooped on the back seat of his car when he pulled out.  He was so grossed out that he puked on her.    Straight edge kids must not have strong stomachs.  I woulda laughed.    
  On Maui, I feasted on pineapple before a morning dive.  At 85 feet, I started to blow chunks through my regulator.  It quickly clogged.  In a blur of cloudy, yellow water my dive buddy reluctantly passed an emergency air supply.  Colorful fish rushed in to chow on the floating barf.  On top, the boatmaster was smoking and drinking warm Diet Coke.  I heaved again in the thick exhaust fumes at the back of the boat on his hot Yamaha outboard motor.  
  My Dad allways comes off as really laid back and joky, but in truth he's really serious. So one day we went to McDonalds, and you all know the sign that say, "The smiles are free!", well, My Dad walks in and says, "I'd like 100 smiles today please". The cashier laughs, and says, "What can I help you with sir?" to which my Dad replies, "That's 1."  
  If you built a scale and a teleport device into a cellphone, you'd be the ultimate small quantity drug dealer.  
  Someone once said:  "the dividers between urinals subliminally teach us that urnating is shameful." I disagree.  they merely subliminally insist that it's impolite to pee on other people's legs.   
  So I've worked at a gas station before. 4 years in fact. Don't worry - it's because my parents are in the biz - they own a couple. Anyways - I read a moment about bic lighters and the different colors, and it reminded me of a moment:  So I like to play with the bic lighters I have at said gas station - there's all sorts of colors and designs - depicting all sorts of sports and various activities. I would play with them all in a row, lighting probably 10 or so up at a time, creating quite nice flames. It never occured to me that it was inside. So I was doing this activity once, and I was only half paying attention - so I ended up burning all the hair off of the knuckles on my hand - then setting off the smoke alarm. Being as close to the fire station as this gas station was - they came over with a fire truck, expecting a fire - fire chief (who I knew pretty well, as well as all the other people in that town) saw my burnt knuckles and just laughed. I gave them all drinks on the house. Later, he asked me if I sold the lighters I emptied all the fluid out of by playing with them to people. Why wouldn't I?  
  I was 6 years old, sitting in my first grade classroom.  While in the process of uncomfortably digesting a breakfast my internal organs deemed inappropriate for human consumption, I felt a fart coming on.  Actually, "fart" may be a little too bland a term for the intestinal a-bomb that was swelling inside me; this was a fart for the ages.  It got stuck. I leaned forward, grabbed the edge of my desk, bit my lip, and went for it.  BAM!  However, I felt the back of my pants inflate quite a bit, and stay that way.  A warm sensation crept over my backside.  I had shit myself.  I had shit myself so bad that it was almost pouring out of the top of my pants.  To make sure, however, I stuck a finger in.  When I pulled it out, it was completely covered in shit.  Nobody could see that finger.  If they did, I'd be called "Stinkfinger" for the rest of my educational existence.  What to do with a shitty finger?  What else?  I rubbed my finger all over the bookcase next to me, smearing it with the foul substance.   It's probably still there to this day.  I then asked to use the bathroom, was excused, and proceeded to clog the toilet with TP, as my wiping skills were most unsatisfactory.  
  I live in Ithaca, NY.   That about sums up the fun around here.  
  "Pee on that fence!  I dare you!"  Unfortunately for me I hadn't had the pleasure of taking any physics or electrical engineering courses at the ripe age of 10.  Urine conducts electricity and it really hurts when it's connected to your penis.  Don't take dares until you are a certified professional.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He wanted to do me in the butt. We were both drunk and neither had anal sex before.  It was pretty good, but since we were on his floor, I had carpet burns and both knees, my face and my tits. I think I'm adicted.  
  Another one from a former co-worker, his name's Nick. (not the same Nick as my other post)  Nick was working a graveyard shift at a convience store (I don't remember where). One night someone came in shoving a gun in his face and demanding the money from the register.  Nick, not ready to risk his life for a job he really hated, gladly gave the theif the money.  After he left Nick remembered that his boss told him that there was no tape in the survelliance cameras.  Nick decided at that time to take the rest of the money in the register and pocket it (about $20 in quarters) and steal a couple packs of cigarettes.  He then called the local radio station told them what happened and requested "Renegade" by Styx.  After that he finally called the cops, then he left and quit the next day.  Nick is my hero.    
  is it worth smoking weed anymore when you just know you won't get a high you haven't experienced before?  probably not, which begs the question 'what next?' do i just stop, or do i graduate to something more serious after having spent 7 years telling anyone who will listen that marijuana does not lead to the use of harder drugs?  where can i get sterile needles?  
  She looked into the bowl of peanuts on the bar and exclaimed, "that's more mono-nuts than I've seen in my whole life!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Freshman graduation dance  I feel like the belle of the ball. Every slow dance song, a different boy asks me to dance.  I find out later it was because they all wanted a look down my dress.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Never stand in the bed of a pickup truck and pee off the back while the pickup is on the freeway.  You see, when a car or truck cuts through the air, it creates a vaccuum behind it, which in turn creates wind that will blow the piss right back in your face.  But if you do decide to engage in this moist activity, do it in a rent-a-tux after the driver's wedding.  
   Existential Pig Joke   A salesman (oh, why not?) is driving along a country road when he notices a farmer in an orchard, holding a very large pig up to an apple tree.  The pig sniffs at the apple hanging in front of him, licks it, and takes his time eating it.  The farmer staggers over to another apple, and raises the pig up to reach it. The pig sniffs, and declines to eat that one.  The farmer starts staggering over to another tree, and the salesman gets out of his car and goes to find out what the hell is going on.  When he reaches them, the farmer, red-faced, with sweat on his brow, has the pig lifted up to his shoulders so that he can reach apples higher up.  Salesman: "Hey, buddy, wouldn't it take much less time if you just picked the apples and fed them to the pig on the ground?"  The farmer thinks for a moment: "I suppose you're right, but then, what does time mean to a pig?"  
  I was supposed to be babysitting the three 8-year-old boys who always wanted to clamber all over me and jam their groins in my face. I always got 'asked' by the hostess to take care of these kids, her son and the sons of two other guests, but it wasn't as if I really had a choice. I talked to one of them by the name of Justin when they were sitting on the couch, disinterested in preadolescent dry-humping, for once. He told me about his interests (bikes! aaaah!!!) and how he was the only cool kid in his family, because his sister was 12 and in a wheelchair because she was too fat. I thought he was pretty funny, and at least for once I wasn't being violated by these squirming little spazoids.  A new, female babysitting conscript arrived. I didn't know her name, but we were partners in this shitty equation of supervision. However, she decided that enough was enough.  "Do you want to go into the bathroom and hide from them?" She asked while the boys were upstairs pulling down each other's pants like they always did after swimming in the lake. "You know, to hide?" I certainly did, but I never expected her to drop my pants and blow me, much less swallow.  When we walked out after the fact, the boys were on the couch and there was no escaping their darting gazes. "Hey," Justin said, "Why are you hanging out with my sister? Gross!"  This girl was taller than I was, and she had fucking gonzo breasts sticking out to here. But yeah, she was 12. I was 15. Lowbrow moment, I guess.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I am at the mall the other day in Glendale and this overwieght house wife sees me, this blue haired kid in a brand new car parking in a handicapped spot.  She shouts in the loudest voice she can, hoping to attract attention to me, "You're handicapped?!?!?" and the sound of her ignorant voice reverberates all through the fucking lot, and everyone is staring.  (Fuck them all anyway, I work my ass off for what I have)... so I point in my windshield and say "I have a placard, and if you like, I have the X-rays in my trunk of the compression fracture in my SPINE if you would like to see them!"  She doesn't get that I just flipped the shit around on her... she is is still just staring at me, ice cream cone dripping on the ground... and says, "You sure don't look handicapped!" still trying to embarass me.  People here and there have stopped and are staring at this idiotic conversation, trying to judge the truth, I guess.  I stand there and respond, "Obviously not as handicapped as you...", turn on my heel and walk away.  
  I was driving a friend of mine and her ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/whatever they want to call themselves now home on Friday.  They were completely tossed, and I was horny (over a year since the last.  Plus, I'm male).  Now, she's just about the hottest, most sexy, most sensual women I've ever had the privilege of looking at, and I've wanted her constantly for about 5 years, only I'm stuck in that permanent "nice guy-friend" category.  I drive a '66 Ford Ranchero, so it's the three of us across the bench.  They start making out like crazy, probably probing stomach with their tongues.  He puts his hand between her legs and starts rubbing furiously.  Well, she makes some of the best sounds I've ever heard (not even great porn comes close)  I've got a decent stereo system that plays really loud (although not necessarily clearly), and I heard her over Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys.  About halfway to his house, she's reclining against me, sitting sideways, one leg on the dash, humping the hell out of his hand.  And all I could do was watch/drive.  God, I hate being a "nice guy"  
  My friends and I have gotten into this kick of tripping on purpose. But we're all terrible at it. It makes us laugh all the same.  Tonight, in a concession stand, my friend put her bag down in the middle of the floor, gave me a nod, and stood aside. I nonchalontly tripped over it falling on my face. Probably my worst performance yet. But it got a few laughs. And it got me a huge bruise on my knee. Boy am I an ass!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bastard, I hope a monolith falls from the sky and kills your dog!  
  We call this kid Fat-ass, because he is.  He got pissed off one night, and tried to start a fire in this girl's house, while there was a party going on.  He almost succeeded, until the cops showed up.  Had something like 30 counts of attempted homicide, and arson.  He was on probation for a while, and every time he went there, he tested positive for THC.  Week after week, he just kept on smokin' blunts.  The officer knew that he smoked weed, and didn't expect him to be clean, just for the levels to drop enough to show he is trying to stop.  Right before he was going to be tested again, and to avoid being sent to jail, he checked himself into a mental hospital for rehab.  He threatened to punch one of the female nurses, and got himself kicked out.  That was a violation of his probation, so he's in jail right now.  
  Last nite, it was our school's homecoming "hoe down". I drank eleven 24oz mugs of beer before the dance. After the dance I had at least one case, possible two.  I woke up wearing nothing but boxers and spurs.   
  it seems like every time i look at a picture of me when i was a kid, one of my boobs is hanging out.  no matter where were were (though usually at the beach), i always managed to have a sleeve pulled down or strap falling off my shoulder.   i wonder if that has anything to do with my nipple fettish these days.  
  I phoned up one of those sex lines expecting some excitement. What I got was someone who sounded suspiciously male. When questioned as to their gender it said 'if you think I'm a man then you can hang up'.  So I did.  One more avenue of sexual relief closed.  
  I cannot tell which of my roommate's toothbrushes are whose. But dont go thinking they were all in at one time.  
  When my mother turned 67 she started walking 5 1/2 miles a day... she's 93 and we don't know where the hell she is  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In about 1990 I bought an old Reliant Robin (3 wheeler English car) for  50. I couldn't drive (still can't).We all got really stoned and cut the roof off with crappy hacksaws thinking it would make a really cool ironic convertable.  The following day we looked out the window and realised that we would have to get that pile of junk to the breakers yard somehow.  So, one guy how could kind of drive (but not legally) said he would do it. We set of and within five minutes we had crashed into 2 other cars. We abandoned it on the main road out of the city.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the Taco Bell a sign reading "Taco Bell gives you gas!" Some promotion for free petrol for cars, but you should have seen how far Dara shot chalupa out of her nose when I pointed at it.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember back in high school, me and my friends found a prescription bottle in one of the Social Studies classrooms. We took a pill out of it and later in the day slipped it into a friend's drink.  He got out of the hospital three days later.  
  I was sitting there one evening, looking at a blank browser window.  Wondering where I should go.  Do you ever just type in URLs that you think might exist, to see what is really there?  I typed www.lowbrow.com and here i am.  i love the internet  
  My mind blown once again from watching some TV show about people caught on video tape doing all kinds of shocking things. I guess the ones about decent people don't get broadcast, just the ones about secret sickos. The ones that really astonish me are the semi-public sex ones. Some people make some CRUDE passes and take some pretty insane chances!  Shows like this prove how naive I am.        
  it was my 18th birthday. a friend bought me a cardboard tiara.  four hours later, i was puking from alchohol excesses.  the tiara fell in the vomit-filled toilet.  i picked it out. and placed it back on my head.  it was soggy. and kinda smelly.  
  I went to Madison to watch my friend's band play.  We went to a party afterwards and it was horrible.  And plus I fell on top of their table and broke it.  So I got the hell out of there.  By this time I was drunk and I stumbled into a random party and I ended up having sex in the back of a car while listening to NWA.  So you could say I went down twice that night.  
  lowbrow moment #253  I was vacationing with friend in San Antonio. Late night past midnight we're cruising through the mostly deserted streets and Im half tanked on Shiner Bock.  Looking out the window I see a shapely body in green and black spandex with hair flowing down to the small of her back. I stick my face out into the night wind and in my best cantina Spanish yell "Muy hermosa chica!". As we're driving away she turns toward us and I plainly see the thick 5 o clock shadow that frames her jawline. With a wail of embarassment, I collapse onto the cool vinyl of the Oldsmobuick and giggle as my new friends tease me for the next 15 miles. The night ended fairly well though, with a hand on my thigh for the remainder of the ride home. If I hadnt seen that face, I probably would have envisioned "her" most of the night as I lay in the starched sheets of the icy cold hotel room.   
  Whiskey burns your stomach the same way jealousy does.  It burns and then shrinks and then curdles and the aftertaste is that same bitterness.   Here's to jealousy, maybe I just can't tell the difference.  
  A girl with an attitude is not good for a real dude.        
  I finally became an atheist after reading the bible in full in 1964.  
  Why do native Hawaiians feel the need to take all the flavor out of food and make it all the same texture as poi, also known as Nature's Snot? I mean, even the macaroni salad is as bland and sticky as library paste? Is it to get us white people back for forcing christianity and ugly muumuu dresses on them?  Bleh.   
  You know those little plastic rings attached to the bottom of the cap on a 20oz. of coke?  I take those off.  It's kinda like circumsising the bottle.  Although I'm not Jewish, I guess it's a way to make my pop Kosher.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ingridents:   4 condoms of varying sizes, brands, etc. 2-3 bottles of hair conditioner. the softer the scent the better. Nothing fruity or colored. just white stuff. 1 tube KY jelly Liberal amout of pubes.  Pulling it off:   Take the condoms and unroll them. Drop a believeable amout of conditioner into the condoms. if done properly it will look used and you can smear it aroud some. Splatter the condoms across the hood and windshield of the victim's car. If you want to be hardcore about it, leave the wrappers out on the groud as well as the emptied tube of ky. be sure to smear some ky on the hood of the car. Feel free to drop pants and slide ass across for realisim. Apply a few pubes to the mixture here and there so they stick.   End result is that it looks like a gang bang happened on the hood of whomever it is that you don't like's car. If you can be present for the reaction you will know just how worth it it was. If you can't, rest assured it is truly: priceless.  
  Right now I'm sitting in a community college waiting to talk to a stupid counselor who probably won't tell me anything I don't already know.  On top of that, someone stinks.  Sigh.        
  When I'm under the influence of any drug - alcohol included, nicotine excluded - I often feel like exploring the world. Last new years eve my inclination to discover geographical sites while drunk took a turn for the worse.  I got two friends to tag along. Just to simplify things, lets call them J and C. Exploration is tempting for the lonely, you know. We were out walking along the streets of the town in which we'd been partying all night. Outside a local bar three girls stood restlessly smoking, seeming to be waiting for something. Drunken and happy I walked up and asked if they'd like to join our entourage. Acceptance was final, and we all strode along. After a little while, it seemed my friends and the girls were determined to locate a good place to "celebrate" the beginning of the new year. I, as the adventurer I am, declined their invitation to join in on this celebration, since I really wanted to continue my exploration of this city unknown.  Well, why go on, and not just fast forward to 23:59:59 December 31st year 2001.  J is fucking like a rabbit.  C is having a menage- -trois  I am, after a failed attempt to find the edge of the world, sitting quietly on a bench next to Mr Andersson, the hobo.    
  even though i must have seen it at least 20 times, "corn punk" still cracks me up....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The worst faux pas I've ever made: My girlfriend said "I'm sitting on a cow butt" I said "Don't be so hard on yourself," She said "I was talking about the sofa"  Whoops.        
   " Just When I Thought I Was Out...   ...they pull me back in!" (apologies to "The Godfather", via the Soprano's Paulie Walnut.) I'm in the money, I'm in the money... After fifteen months of bare-bones scrabbling, I'm flush, with a couple thousand in the bank (my wife's bank account, but that's only because the I.R.S. are hanging above my head, waiting to pounce, all because of some silly little misunderstanding, ...) But, my  wife's  bank account? Ain't she the one who  stole  several thou out of your account, causing you to bounce checks all over town, get handcuffed and convicted of fraud? Yup, same one. Listen closely, little grasshoppers: Life is MUCH more complicated than you could imagine. Anyway, I'm flush. I can get my own apartment, set myself up, finally set up my own kitchen again where I know where everything is... ...I drive my wife's car to pick up my boy. On the way home, I say: "Shhh. Listen to the engine." I gun it with the brake on. Death-rattle. We get home and pop the hood, investigate. I shake my head. Wig takes his lead from me and shakes his head. He goes to give Mom the bad news, I go into my motorhome. " WHAT's the bad news? " I pop my head out. She's standing on the top deck looking like Portia's ghost (she just had an operation). Me: "Get your car to a nunnery." (Hamlet, Scene III. Never mind...) She: "Please stop joking around and just tell me!" Me: "It could be fixed, but basically, you need a new car." She: " But I'm broke! "  (Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...)  Me: "But I'm not, any more. I was going to use the money to get an apartment, but if you don't mind me hanging around in the motorhome a little longer, we could get you a car, instead." Looking like death or not, she comes careening down the walkway. Hmmm - first meaningful, actual hug I've had in a long time. Naaaah...it's over. Just might take a little longer than I thought. But maybe now I can just use her lawyer, instead of paying for one of my own...  
  Next time someone comes to your door to try and force the goods or religion on you, quickly shed your clothing and wrap a towel around yourself.  open door. "Hi, I'm sorry, you picked a bad time, I was going to take a bath.  If it's really important, though, you can join me."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           Checkout Girl #1   Amelia. #1, now and forever. Our romance lasted more than a year, and it wasn't just in my head. She looked a lot like the German tennis player, Anke Huber (and  there's  a reason to get into tennis. Forget Kournikova). She memorized my license # (she had to write it on my checks).  She'd be standing chatting with clueless co-workers, and spot me in a long line, would run over and open an aisle, just for me, smiling brighter than the sun. What the hell was she running a checkout line for, when she could run the entire store without breaking a sweat? (Not that I'd mind seeing her break a sweat...) I wrote stories (long, of course :-), with her as the subject. She loved them, especially when they got a little risqu&egrave; She would tell me about her weekends: "We hit up Nashville! It was great!" Nashville is 12 hours from here. Me: "Wasn't that expensive?" She: "Naah -- we each had $20. We slept in the van." I knew the friends she was talking about. All girls. I still have dreams about the back of that van... Turns out she was ambitious, after all. Good. Or not so good, since it meant she was leaving to become a vet. Last day, April 1, 1995 (three days before I met my soon-to-be-ex-wife, oh well). We stare soulfully at each other. Long line behind me. We hesitate. I invite her to dinner. I don't mention what I have planned for dessert: "Amelia Au Jus." She's conflicted. She's known me for a year, but I'm really just another tumbleweed who rolled into her store. So she gives me her mother's phone #, so that I can contact her safely. I ask how old her mother is. Ten years younger than me. I keep the number. Anybody who produced an amazing creature like Amelia is worth checking out...   
   File under 'w' for What the Fuck  OK, so Jerry Garcia was a really good guitarist. There are a lot of really good dead guitarists. He didn't write (many of) the songs, he wasn't some sort of genius of the counter-culture, and he probably wasn't really concerned about your fucking acid trip.  Cool guy I'm sure, but shouldn't you have some other hero aside from an overweight, drug-abusing, bar band front man that made the big time.  
  david told me that he owned a goth club in Nebraska. got really flourished there.  i asked why was he going to high school in la.  he said his dad made him.  yeah david...and I got a girlfriend in canada.  
  I was on a blind date with a guy I had met through a friend after complaining about a one year dry streak.    We went for dinner.  He ordered the veal.  I'm a vegetarian.  He blew chunks.  All over me.  He didn't apologize.    I still took him home.  
  ypou know what really bothers me, i go out and bust my ass alot for minimum wage. getting spat on and kicked all the way through. yet golfers, who aren't even atheletes, get millions of dollers for hitting a fucking ball with a club. and they have the nerve to be angry when some one makes a noise during their shot, so much so that person is ejected from the course.  what a fucking bunch of babies.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I ate color changing cheetos yesterday, they changed the holor of my mouth green, as intended.  Then I took a shit....  It was St.Patricks day in the toilet.  Too cool.  
  lowbrow muscles:  cremaster.  the muscle which raises and lowers one's testicles  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She looked at me incredulously,  "You're in a good mood cause you threw her out?"  "Yah well, you know how it is, in the beginning of a relationship. It's all happy go lucky, till she forgets to take her pills...."  
  i was sitting around one day, and i realized that i really like to steal.  in fact, i've stolen something from every job that i've ever had. including my current one in which i was named 'employee of the month.'  the model fucking employee.  im not gonna stop, by the way.   
  People in California say the word "like" so much that they lose track of what they were talking about in the first place  
  I looked at the cop with a sort of quizzical expression on my face.  I was 19 years old.  I had a warm can of Miller High Life in my hand.  I was in my car.  It had expired plates.  I could feel the end of my weed pipe in my pocket.  Oh, and did I mention that I was on probation?  I looked at the cop with a sort of quizzical expression on my face, and said:  "I don't suppose you'd like a beer?"  I've never known backup to arrive on the scene so fast.  
  This is me being a little sucker. I was about 8 years old and my grandparents were visiting for the day. As we are all saying our goodbyes my grandma leans close to my mom and says "I left a surprise for you in the bathroom." A surprise! I liked surprises! After my grandparents were out the door I went straight to the bathroom to see what it was. A used Depends. Such a little sucker.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Heh. Know those Crest automatic toothbrushes? The ones you can either hold down the button to operate it manually, or you can click the button down so it spins on its own? ... Well, I'm a big fan of dental hygiene and I carry one  of those Crest brushes and a big tube of toothpaste in my backpack when I'm at school [I commute].   I was in my composition class today when suddenly my backpack began to vibrate and purr/hum really LOUD. It was most definately too spastic to be a cellphone, so ppl are looking at me like I have a vibrator in my bag. Ha ha! I said, "Shoot! Did that thing turn on!" nonchalantly. My male teacher was blushing RED as I reached into my bookbag and slowly pulled out... my toothbrush. I've never seen so many disappointed looks all in one room before.   
  At first, I'm sure she thought I  stared at her because she was sexy but that wasn't the reason at all.  I looked at her in total amazement, wondering how she could fuck a different guy every single day of the week.  Finally, she caught on and scared that I might tell, she began fucking me  once a week to ensure my silence.   I was only 18 and became her only steady.   Kinda interesting when I think back because I never set out to fuck the gal. I was just curious about the kind of person she was.  Over the course of the  following year and a half, she fucked me more than she fucked her away-on-business husband or anyone else.   To this day, I'm still not sure whether she even liked me as a person but the few times I was unable to visit her because I was ill, she said she really missed me and I was really touched because I felt that she  sincerely meant it even though she was clearly a slut.         
  I can't stand it when people purposely park slanted or far to the side, taking up two spaces just so no one can park next to them and ding their ever-so-precious car.  Just for kicks I put my cart so its touching their car to make them nervous and to realize there are some things that cant be prevented.    spoiled fucks  
  When I was just starting my computer business, if I did not have rent by the 15h, I would pimp myself as a temp. The ladies who hustled the temp jobs thought I was such loser. They still found me work because I showed up on time and took the shityest jobs.  My temporary jobs fell into two categories. Some were desperate business owners who needed a little help to capitalize on an opportunity. Then there were the assholes.  A list of the more memorable assholes:     The liquor company that had me keep track of the illegal kickback they paid to store owners to torpedo the competition s products.     The lesbian office manager who  forced  me to answer phones without training so that the pretty female receptionist she had hired could learn the phone system.     The con man who had me type a fake financial statement in his hotel room so that he would look solvent.      The bank that would not lend to blacks. They hired me to pad their files after the fact with legitimate reasons to withhold the loans.     The finance company executive who paid too much for a computer system. She created a spreadsheet that ignored some line items so that her bottom line looked right. ( I naively changed the equations to include everything.)  Anyone want to guess which jobs lasted less than a week and which one lasted for three months?  
  I was 17 and had never seen 6 feet of snow, being from ga. She had never tasted southern comfort-somehow we opted that she should drive. They broke 3 chains trying to dragg us out of the snow pile we plowed inot sideways. I sat in some kids car after I crawled out of the drivers side window. At least I still had the southern comfort .       
  yesterday I saw an old guy at the supermarket buy two packages of pimento loaf and some vitamin E, while leaving the supermarket I watched him eat one of the pimento loafs like it was a sandwich.  I wonder if he put salt on it.   
  "This looks like a little bowl.  I wonder what it could be used for..?" my dad inquires after finding the bowl to my metal pipe.  I contemplated telling him "I smoke cannabis sativa out of it.  Do you see the thick residue at the bottom?  That's called resin, which is more or less concentrated tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC.  The THC enters my blood stream through the porous cells in my lungs after inhalation.  It then enters the brain, altering delicate chemical balances in order to make life take on a more mellow, relaxed, and meaningful attitude."   I told him "uhhh, a couple Cheerios?"   Wrong answer.  
  Since I slouch and I'm wiry, everyone thinks I am 5'5" tall and 135lbs (I wear small and medium men's shirts). I'm pretty easy going, pretty soft spoken and dress well and work in the apparel department so everyone thinks I'm some gay fruit. Those who don't think so know I play D&D and think I'm some sort of retarded geek.  I'm 5'8" tall, 180lbs, I do fingertip push-ups cuz its funny and can drop someone to the ground and squeeze them till they pass out.  Needless to say, I suprise quite a few people the rare times I raise my voice, stand up and grab someting big that rationally I shouldn't be able to grab like that.  To relate an experience, in high school my brother was giving his friend and myself a ride home and his friend darted infront of me to get the front seat pointed at me and laughed. I grabbed his hand, him (being a stupid asshole) tries kicking me in the nuts. Bad move.  I use my other hand to grab his foot, pull him out of the car (he's like 5"10 and bigger than me), turn him around, let go of his leg, pulled his arm I grabbed first up and around (pointing straight up then directly back down) and get my forearm to his throat, pull him back since he can't breat or really move and shove my knee in his back.  "I get the front seat." I said. He conceded and my brother started busting up laughing.  Don't fuck with the geeks in theatre and the Speech/debate team. 1 in 10 can stomp your ass and THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. I know, I'm one fo them  
  I was high last night, we were all passing a pipe around.  Then someone got up to have a cigarette outside, and he took the lighter.  We tried passing the pipe again, but there was no lighter, and it never occurred to anyone to go outside and get it.  So we waited half an hour for that asshole to come back inside.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Boomers  OK, so some people might call me middle-aged. Deal with it. But I love Boomers. A Boomer is a car you can hear two blocks away, and when it drives by, even with windows closed, your bowels instruct you to sit on the toilet for awhile. I get cute and call them the "mating call of the testosterone-driven-teenager", but I still love them. I can't imagine what it must be like inside a Boomer. Do they have a convenient toilet in there that they sit on while they drive? I've even approached Boomer drivers at the quickstop, asking to just sit inside for a minute, but they always say it's broken. So, apart from knowing what it's like to be inside a Boomer, the main question in my mind is: Why do I hear them only during the summertime? Do testosterone-driven-teenagers take a celibacy break in the winter? Or does the cold weather somehow filter common sense into their heads, like explaining to them that  girls do not give one shit about stereo systems!   
  why she has to have asked me that for the hundreth time like my clicking away at dear sweet lowbrow is some attempt to void her from my life ive got a cable modem so i dont use the phone line what more could she ask for maybe its because she doesnt like the crude and rude side of all of it personally i love the fact that in the blanket of secrecy people spill maybe not their guts but at least something critically human we all do scrape our knees and sometimes its just nice to say hey that fucking hurt or lookey here what a total ass am i with minimal fear of reprisal or vindictive backstabbing of course living at wwwdotlowbrowdotcom might be a whole new classification of mental instability elipses       
  When I first came to the US, I was told I'd be a great model.   Tall, blonde, skinny, Czech...  I told them all to fuck off. I didn't need their money, and didn't want to conform to their beauty standards.  A couple months later I went back home to visit my parents. My family told me I really let myself go.    
  One of the coolest thing about having boobs is when you are eating the crumbs tend to collect on them.  It makes it easier to brush them on the floor when your done.    One of the suckiest things is doing the previous, in a low cut shirt.  Cleavage crumbs aren't comfortable, and they're a bitch to clean up.    
  I used to think that I was a good person.  A strong man, who would always stand up for what was right.  That was before I guilt-tripped my girlfriend for fucking another woman, even though I had told her it was ok. (Talk about a fucked up situation)  That was before realized that I fell apart like a little baby everytime I thought I was going to lose her.  That was before I fucked her friend, while she was in the room.  That was before I realized what a spinelss weenie I was.  God I love her.  I'm going to hell.  
  The place where I used to work lent me an old laptop to use.  I transfered some of my computer porn stash onto it to keep me amused.  Just before I left the job and had to give the laptop back it broke and I couldn't delete the porn. I hope they never fixed it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm helping this girl move furniture into the apartment we're gonna share for the summer, and when we get done, I'm one sweaty mess.  So I wet a washcloth in the bathroom sink and wipe as much as I can... feeels pretty good.  Then go out to the living room and probably had sex, since that's pretty much what we did that summer.  Next day, more furniture from streetlevel to 2nd floor.  Sweaty again.  'I'll get it' she says, and comes out of the bathroom with a cold wet washcloth.  It feels great.  Then it starts to smell.  I'm like 'where did you get this from?'  And she says that it was just hanging over the edge of the sink.    
   Hudson River Tales: The Mariah  Bored out of my tits, driving the boat up through of the most scenic sites in America. It's gorgeous, but we see it day in, day out... We turn the corner towards Cold Spring, and my jaw drops. Anchored in the inlet is a genuine, old-timey, solid teak 90-foot schooner. Just the sort of boat that my dreams are filled with. My new co-worker sidles up beside me: "Like my home?" Takes a while for me to realize that he's saying that the boat is his. I can hardly believe it -- the guy lacks even basic seamanship skills! What the fuck is he doing with something that should be in the Smithsonian Museum?  Two weeks later, Reagan gets elected, and environmental monitoring is instantly dead. We get laid off.  The co-worker invites me to join him. Sail down to Bermuda and the islands, charter, have fun. Maybe the real LowBrow here is that I turned him down. I'd probably never have returned. No, the real LowBrow here is about that fucking idiot taking the Mariah south in the middle of hurricane season, without ever checking if the bilge pumps were working. They went down off Cape May, NJ. Nobody died, but they had to be lifted off by helicopter. No, the  real  LowBrow is that if I had been onboard, the fucking bilge pumps would have been working...  
  This morning I was pondering what a Lowbrow convention might look like. I envision a sea of normal-looking people interspersed with some geniunely sick fucks.  Then I mused how that would be the ideal opportunity to mobilize these sick fucks as the Lowbrow Revolutionary Strike Force.  Then, thought I, why stop there? Why not a new political party? The Lowbrow Party. I can already see it on billboards and buses:  "Turn the fucking boat around. sorry_e_e for President in '04"   
  It was when the tingly sensation turned into an all out burning, that I realized using Vicks Vapor Rub as a Vaseline substitute probably wasn't the smartest idea.  
  Just off the boat, I'm working in a Jaguar shop on Lawn Gisland.  Rush job comes in -- quick oil change for some guy driving to Florida.   Georgeous  custom XKE drives in, guy opens the door and gets out... and gets out... and gets out...  Seven feet if he's an inch. Turns out he's a New York Knickerbocker, whatever that is.    I have to hold back a snicker, because in Scotland, knickerbockers = knickers = panties, so to me he's a 7' New York Panty.  I chat amiably with him while I work. The car is awesome -- custom Moroccan leather, 30 coats of candy-apple red...  When I'm done, I start the engine, and put the car up on the lift so I can check for leaks.  Looking underneath, I notice the engine sounds a little weird...   SHIT  I forgot to put any oil in!  I start the lift down, but it's taking  way  too long, so I scramble up the shelves on the wall and jump across into the open door.  I shut off the engine, and sit there while the car slowly settles down, with the 7' Panty staring at me bemusedly.  "Just have to top it off," I say.  Unfortunately, V-12 Jaguars don't take 4 or 5 quarts, they take 16.  I chat amiably with him while pouring 16 quarts into his engine. He shakes my hand, and I say "Have a nice drive."  
  It's not so much unrequited love as it is unrequited me wanting to get in her pants.  
  Sometimes I'll hand my boss a bunch of work that I took home to finish overnight, and I think to myself  "She'll never know I did that while I was taking a shit"  
  My birthday was Halloween.  I turned 20.  One of the trick-or-traters teenage escourts came dressed as a prostitute.  She was, well let's say she was underage but not grossly so.  I got laid on my birthday by a total stranger with Superman, Spongebob, Little Bo Peep, a ghost, and one Power ranger in the next room.  It was fucking awesome.  
  When I was a kid, a friend of mine and I saw this dachschund bangin' the hell out of this little mutt, so we started pulling them apart. That dachschund had a really LONG dick!  No wonder they call them weinerdogs!  
  On the AOL welcome screen, it says "Animal lovers?  Creat your very own online identity.  It's easy and fun." Little does AOL know...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At a party with a few of our friends, drunk off our asses, music is blaring - the usual fun stuff. My brother-in-law starts making out with one of the girls there (who had just kicked her boyfriend out for being an asshole...) and they are going at it hot and heavy.  They take a break for a smoke and more beer, at which point he confesses to me, "I sure hope she doesn't want to have sex later - I jerked off five times today and I don't think I can get it up!"  Too much info, bro...too much info.  
  "You will feel much more confident in your rush clothes if you lose 5 pounds in three weeks.  Basically, you're all too fat.  Thanks, have a nice day!"  The above is the gist of an e-mail I got from a girl that I pay to associate with.  Dammit I hate sorority life sometimes.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         paintballing under the bridge, we have resorted to standard duel format. two people stand back to back and walk away from each other when the command is given. when the moderator says "turn" they are each free to take ONE shot. any more results in the right of the rest of the group to fire upon you at will from the sloped concrete from which we watched. mikes gun double loaded, and upon firing, two balls were ejected, both going in crazy directions. there is a slight pause as everyone picks up their gun and hesitates, wondering if the immenent pommeling is really warranted. as he looks to the spectators in hopes of mercy, none other than his own brother stands and decides this poor guys fate: "he shot two; FUCK HIM UP!!!" mikes flailing body then proceeded to turn pink, splatter by painful splatter.  
  She was intelligent great-looking and fucked with gusto. She would have been perfect if it weren't the crabs......       
  So I'm sitting here looking at porn and talking to my underage girlfriend who has banned me from porn, talking about our nearly non-existant love life and how I need to become more mature and honest.  I wish I had a more interesting ending, but this one will have to be written with the reader knowing I have one hand down my pants this entire time.  
     I never realized how pathetic my small farm community was until I was cruising what is called, "the main drag" in my grand prix when I was blinded by a confederate flag that was dropped on my car by a cowboy named after is uncle, Bubba.  But was that really his uncle??     
  I came to work this morning and there were big stickers on all the doors that said "Siezed by Sheriff."  I suppose that isn't a good sign, is it?      
  so for one reason or another our 2nd offspring liked to scream at the top of her lungs day and night (and continued for about 5 years)..meanwhile I was working on tenure so working till 2am every night and coming home to sounds of crying and getting up at 7am for work.. this went on for about 3 years.. meanwhile my coworker was desperately trying to get my job and happily breezing in at 10 and playing Doom and still coming up smelling like roses at the weekly research meetings.  People there comes a time when ya gotta decide what ya gonna do. So one night I carefully boiled all that fuckers reagents and stuff and contently watched his work turn to shit while I swung in like Tarzan and saved the day.... Now he's long gone into the deadend void and hey I'm still here.  May daughter has stopped screaming as well. You have to know when to turn. Sometimes it is simply you or them and .. it better be them. What you thought it was all a game?   
  Frank says to me, "John, do you think Mary sucks dick?"   and i tell him, "I don't fucking know, Frank. Probably. Why do you ask?"   and he says, "Cause her breath stinks."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Deer Season: Bragging Rights  Sitting with my wife in a sorry little country bar with a bunch of sorry big rednecks bragging about their deer-hunting skills. RN1: "I got me a 10-pointer and a doe this year!" It goes on ad nauseum. Fuck this. Me: "My wife here has already bagged three deer this season, and she's gunnin' for more." My tiny 4'10" wife grabs my arm and tells me to shush. No way. Me: "She doesn't even bother with a hunting license - she just kills them. Gets away with it, too -- our freezer is bursting with venison." Rednecks look at her. She weighs about 105 lb. She's starting to get into it. RN2: " Three  deer? What does she use? A rifle? That's illegal!" Me: "No, she kills them with a dart." Annie snorts beer out of her nostrils and doubles up. She knows where I'm going. RN3: "You mean like a blow gun? With that poison ... eh ... curry on it?" Me: "No. Look out the window! See that Dart out there? The '73 Dodge Dart with the bashed-in front?"  
   Enough of the domestic bliss story - this is LowBrow  When my college-professor wife met me for the first time, I had been disabled for a year or more. My unemployment had run out, and I was on welfare. I was living in the wet, disgustingly-smelly basement of an ex-coworker who had taken pity on me, but lately had been regretting that decision. The other women I d recently dated all somehow had an enormous problem with my living situation. They also didn t like having to drive five miles into the country to pick me up for a date. Even more, they didn t like picking up the tab at the restaurant or bar we went to. I m a bright, cheery, engaging chap, full of pity insights and genuine affection, but none of them ever seemed to want a second date. Just a mystery. None of this bothered my future wife at all. If I wanted to make her dinner, I d just call and she d drive 40 miles to pick me up. We d hit up her supermarket and have lots of fun buying stuff like smoked salmon with my foodstamps. I was just stunned and delighted that someone could really value me just for myself. She got pregnant. Just delighted, she was. We moved in together, with her picking up all the bills. She bore me my wonderful son, and shortly after we decided to get married. But not by just anybody. We got married by a witch. A NY State witch, certified to perform weddings. We literally jumped the broomstick   lots of fun. Enough of the domestic bliss story -- this is LowBrow. Seven years later, picking over the smoking wreckage of our marriage, I realized the main problem was that my wife had consistently made really bad decisions   house-buying, career, her bratty daughter s upbringing ... I felt good, knowing that I really wasn t to blame, after all. Then the thought came: The first bad decision she made was choosing me.   
  personally, I'd be more worried about green snow. I mean, at least you're pretty sure about yellow snow. Green snow could be anything. Lime koolaid, toxic waste, Nyquil...  
  in sixth grade i was as usual bored silly parochial school ll do that to ya so i took out a staple from the bulletine board and loaded it onto my rather large comb flexed the comb and sent the staple flying across the room toward and unsuspecting mrs m mrs m had amazingly huge breasts and  of course the staple hit her in the cleavage and disappeared shockingly into her bra she shrieked and danced and attempted to get what she thought was a bug or bee or something out of her bra the dancing and hopping and attempts to dig the evil out freed one of her melons and it flopped and jangled outside of her scoopneck tshirt it was the first time i had seen a nipple in real life and it was immense from this point forward i have named the anotomical breast adornments of the same class oatmealcookienipples and remember i drive the bus to hell and i do so voluntarily  
  The good looking man walked up to me with a sheepish smile.  He was holding his young son's hand, and asked if I would mind terribly if I heard a public service announcement.  I glanced down and saw no ring, so smiled and said yes.   His 4 or 5 year old then told me that smoking would kill me.  I smiled and put it out, saying that he was absolutely right.   The dad looked relieved.  Then his wife or girlfriend or whatever drove up and he blushed as they got in and drove off, looking at me wistfully.   I winked and lit a cigarette.    
  So I am at the mall the other day in Glendale and this overwieght house wife sees me, this blue haired kid in a brand new car parking in a handicapped spot.  She shouts in the loudest voice she can, hoping to attract attention to me, "You're handicapped?!?!?" and the sound of her ignorant voice reverberates all through the fucking lot, and everyone is staring.  (Fuck them all anyway, I work my ass off for what I have)... so I point in my windshield and say "I have a placard, and if you like, I have the X-rays in my trunk of the compression fracture in my SPINE if you would like to see them!"  She doesn't get that I just flipped the shit around on her... she is is still just staring at me, ice cream cone dripping on the ground... and says, "You sure don't look handicapped!" still trying to embarass me.  People here and there have stopped and are staring at this idiotic conversation, trying to judge the truth, I guess.  I stand there and respond, "Obviously not as handicapped as you...", turn on my heel and walk away.  
  You know how you can usually tell what someone's like by the kind of people they hang out with? Yeah, I'm not telling anyone I wanna date about Lowbrow.  
  Suburban white man  who knows absolutely nothing about hip-hop culture that you didn't learn from mtv:  from one honky to another;  I struggle to think of a word to describe what you look like when you flash fake gang signs and say things like word up homie, g-dawg, and bling-bling at the sheer thought of a black person;  actually, no, i don't.    retarded. that's the one.  
  just read a moment about tapes of 'labeless porn.'  i thought he meant 'labialess porn.' boy, was i confused.  
  The Opera web browser has a feature that auto-reloads the page every 5 seconds. Mmmmmm ... continuous lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My roommate came rushing in the room looking for something to wash his pills down with, so I, being a helpful friend, grabbed the first thing I saw, which happened to be a bottle of peach juice that was sitting out , and gave it to him.  I think the fact that it was a peach flavored drink that played the biggest part in the deception.   He discovered that he had just swallowed urine and proceeded to throw up everywhere.  Don't tell Travis, but I totally knew what i was doing when i handed it to him.  
  I have a part time job at a grocery store, I sold this man a pck of cigeratts, he started to smoke, i told him "no smoking in the store"  he said "if i can buy 'em here why cant i smoke 'em"  i replied "yeah well we sell condoms here too, now leave"  
  Leaving the movie with a girl who I needent impress.  What the fuck?!!  A buick regal, aka: dump truck, barely touching my beautiful black chrome polished customized GMC Sonoma!!  Police issue baton.  Shattered glass.  Remaining: 1 headlight - 1 sideview mirror - 1 note  "Next time stay the fuck home!"     
  New Orleans 1999, its the morning after Fat Tuesday.  The previous night is a blur of girls and booze.  Apparently my night ended with my friends pulling me off the bathroom floor of O'Briens, covered in vomit.  I have alcohol poisoning I think.  After an hour in Louisiana's shakiest cab, we arrive at the airport.  While being wanded by security for setting off the metal detector, I have to vomit.    Frantically, I bolt from security looking for a trash can.  Security gives chase.  Settling upon the only receptical in sight, an ashtray, I vomit to the roar of laughter and applause from the other passengers who were in line behind me.   I've been to New Orleans twice since.  
  a friend emailed a link to me with the subject line filled in as bitch i clicked twas drunken psycho amy lying passed out naked on a couch with miscellaneous male members dangling above her sress the tension between not being an asshole and emailing everyone you and she knows the link that will that will cave in her little lying house o cards        
  Damn.   I need to take my tapeworms to the vet.   They've got a cat around them.  
   Old Age Dating #2   Maxwell: "How old do you think I am?"  Mildred: "If you let me touch your thingie, I'll be able to tell you."  Maxwell: "I don't believe you."  Mildred reaches inside his pants, fondles him for a few minutes, then says: "You're 79."  Maxwell: "That's amazing! How do you know I'm 79?"  Mildred: "You told me, yesterday."  
  I have just spent 4 hours (at work) trying to locate a pair of shoes. Calling every Nordstroms in CA. for a damn pair of Donald Pliner shoes. and I realize....I have just wasted more money, time wise, then these shoes cost..... But, Im not giving up. Too much time and money invested in the search. All in the name of fashion. This is as shallow as it gets.  
  A couple days ago I had a hankering for some cookie dough, so I whipped up a batch.  I kept it in a bowl in the fridge and ate some every chance I got.  Over the past 48 hours, I have eaten (among other things): 2 sticks of butter 1 1/2 cups of sugar 1 1/2 cups of brown sugar 2 cups of chocolate chips 2 raw eggs It was tastey.  Let me tell you, though, that what I have sitting in my lower intestine is a lowbrow moment waiting to happen.  On the plus side, with my teenage male metabolism, I'm not going to gain a pound.  And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Assuming, of course, that my heart DOES STILL BEAT.  
  There s a new site that rates poop a la  Am I Hot Or Not.   Looking at the ratings, the more constipated you are, the higher the score.  
  I went out with this one chick who never seemed all that excited about sex.  I'd go down on her, we'd fuck, I'd play with her -- no real reaction.  She still put out occasionally, but it was more to shut me up than because she enjoyed it.  Then one day I had the flu.  She came over to start taking care of me, and we ended up banging like gangsters.  She had an intense orgasm, more powerful than anything I had ever seen from her before.  Turns out she only got hot for guys when they were hurt or sick, and let her take care of them.  It was some sort of x-rated 'Florence Nightingale syndrome' thing.  What the fuck was THAT all about?  
  lowbrow moments...  first night sleeping in a friend of a friend of a freaking friend's apartment in the outskirts of vegas, while all three go out clubbing.  And the guy's place is unfurninshed so it's just walls and floors.  second night go clubbing till 5:20am in vegas, lost 90% of my money at the tables, don't have enough to get a room, besides checkout time is 10:30am anyways, so sleeping in rental car in the parking structure of Caeser's Palace with the car running and the A/C on blast because it's 95 degees outside for 6 hours, using surprisingly only 1/4 of the gas tank is a lowbrow moment in my book.  
  I begged a guy who's been my best friend for the last six years to have sex with me.  We were kissing crazily and both drunk.  This was my first time.  I had already blacked out a couple times.  I don't know how I ended up kissing him.  He said, "No." I asked why. He said, "Because I don't think you would do it sober."  I was hurt.  I begged him some more until finally he said, "Fuck it."  Then he put the condom in my hand and said "It's your choice."  I told him I was scared and then I blacked out again.       
  We were driving on the levee in an old beat-up farm pick-up truck.  She leaned out the window and yelled "Stupid cow!"  at the cattle grazing.  A female voice replied from the woods, "Fuck you too."  We just drove on.  
  last night was my mom's 50th birthday, and I was home from college to celebrate. Being a brand-new freshman without a penchant for law enforcement, I haven't been drinking much here at IU and I was pleased as punch to get my hands on some booze when we got home...as were my friends.  After my 6th shot of J germeister, my friends and I decided to toast my mom. I had poured another one, but we offered it to her in celebration and she accepted. Left without a shot to drink, I just slugged from the bottle.  Six swallows and then my mom said, "You know, I really needed something fucking improper tonight. Thank you, guys."  I'd say that's lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I cut my right hand really bad with the table saw the other day.  My first thought: "How the fuck am I gonna jack off now?"    
  One night I had left my computer on while I was around my house doing other things.  I came back to see an IM from my boyfriend that said "What do you want for your birthday?" About 20 minutes or so had passed since I had received the IM.  I responded with "I want you naked for my birthday."  About a minute later, I got an IM back from my boyfriend that said "guess who was using the computer when your IM popped up".  I really didnt want to know, however he proceeded to tell me that his mom was using the computer, and she wanted to know what was # 2 on the list.  I was so embarrassed!  
  I like being a girl cause I can have orgasm after orgasm, with barely a minute or two in between.  I lost sleep the other night because I masterbated for 3+ hours.  
  on the upstroke, Lil Willis popped out.  on the downstroke, he missed going back in and was bent double.  ouch.     
  At least one of you has fucked my ex-girlfriend. Prob'ly more than one of you...  
  I am hopeful that I can still have fantastic sex with two (or more!) women at the same time, before I grow old and fat. (Without paying for it.)  The irony is I must aquire more money to entice these non-payable, yet highly expensive types of women.   
  lincoln, nebraska... 1993... a friend of mine and i are driving to a coffee shop, to meet others.  said coffee shop is directly next door to a strip club, frequented by bikers.  real bikers.  big, hairy, burly-as-hell bikers.  as we are driving by these establishments, we see our friends outside, and my passenger decides it would be punk to hurl a beer bottle at them.  ha ha.  so, we pull into the alley, park, and head for the coffee shop.  when we get there, about thirty of the forementioned bikers are outside the joint, screaming about "some small white jap car and two punks."  we realize they are referring to us, but obviously aren't achieving recognition.  apparently, they were under the impression that my friend hurled the beer bottle at thier bikes... no good.  so, though they don't know who we are, i figure it'll be a matter of minutes before they see my car... and... i calmly head away from the (now) large crowd, jump in my "little jap" auto, and attempt to leave through the alley.  which is blocked by the first members of the search party, saddling up on thier bikes.  they spot me, so my only option is to head for the main road, and escape right past the nudie bar, right past the crowd.  they see me flying around the corner, and one runs right in front of my car, holding his hand up, yelling stopstop. given the alternative, i think i made the right decision in running him down.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were in the diner, and i was coughing up phlegm into those neat designed paper napkins  the greasey-haired long-glinting-ruby-red-nailed waitress handed me  one order of mozzerella sticks  one order of chicken and cheese quesadillas  and one personal pan pizza   "mmmmmm," i said, "breakfast."  
  "You might kill me for this," he said, "but we have a bet going." "ok," I said to the sketchy man in the bar. "Are you wearing underware?" "No," I said, telling the truth, and sauntered back to the table. Both my male friends glared like jungle cats. Sketchy man watched my ass in wonderment. ~puck~   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was about 7, my parents bought one of those huge tubs of gummibears. well, i took those gummi bears and had a war with my army of lego people.  that war ended with one smashed lego empire and over 50 gummi bears and assorted gummi bear body parts impaled with toothpicks.  ah the joys of childhood.  
  along the same lines as the moment about the dude's friend who likes his girlfriend's pierced nipples because he "likes boobs and shiny things..." my brother couldn't figure out why he had an obsession with bartenders... even less than average looking ones. i explained it to him... "because they are female, they have to be nice to you, and they get you drunk." "oh, yeah... that makes sense."  
  I saw my bank teller--a sexy late 30s woman with a platinum wedding ring she had not worn in weeks--in the grocery store while my girl and I were shopping.  The next day, at the bank, she leaned across to the teller who was helping me and said, "I need a man like this. He goes grocery shopping!"  I said, "I also do the laundry."  She responded, "Where were you when I was getting married?"  "In grade school," I thought.  Maybe tomorrow I'll comment on her nice new haircut...       
  After 16 shots of Jim Bean I was feeling pretty drunk, but I was still holding onto some understanding of my surroundings as I had drunk them pretty fast.  Well, as I was taking a leak in one of the bathroom stalls on my friends residence hall floor, those 16 shots hit me like a shotgun blast.  I turned around and the world was suddenly very very small.  In a daze I tried to open the stall-door but I couldn't find the latch.  There was a conspiracy afoot I was sure.  First I smacked the door with my palm hoping to find the handle...nothing.  I banged on the door to see if it would open...no luck.  I tried grabbing the top of the stall door and shaking it...still notta.  Just as I was beginning to grapple with the horrorified thought that I was going to be stuck forever in a cramped space with a well-used toilet, like a beacon of light from above I saw the crawlspace below the door.  I vaguely remember grinning at the guy brushing his teeth as I slithered under the door like a snake, but I could barely make out his face in the blur as I stumbled out the door and headed back to the booze.    I puked 8 times the next day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my dad took me shopping with him this weekend. in walmart, he asks me if i need underwear, then proceeds to dig up the biggest grandma-white-bigass-psuedo-chastity pants he can come up with.  I think my dad knows more than he is letting on.  
  When I was 10 I had this stuffed teady bear about my size. I fucked it from time to time.  
  My roomate let me use her body spray one night.  She's so nice.  I later found out her boyfriend stuck it up her cunt once.  How thoughtful of her.  Since then, I sit on the kitchen chairs naked when she's not home.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Those Pesky Pasts Come Back To Haunt Us  Joschka Fischer, the current German Foreign Minister, was recently embarrassed when a newspaper published a photograph of him at a Leftist riot in the 1970s, wearing a crash helmet and carrying a club, preparing to beat a policeman into a bloody pulp. He eventually publically apologized to the policeman, who is still somewhat disabled from the attack. He managed to keep his job, because he's become a bit more moderate in the meantime, and he's a really good foreign minister...  
  I was completely broke and needed some quick cash to feed my nicotine habit.  So I took an almost empty bottle of $4.99 shampoo, filled it with water, shook it up real good and took it back to the store and got my money back.  Damn...those sure were some humbling cigarettes.  
  I just started reading some entry about how baskin robins gave some person liquidy bowl movements and decided that I wanted yogurt b/c of that entry...The whole liquidy bowl movement thing reminded me.  
  i'm a tutor at my school, i'm lowbrowing since there's only one "tutee", and she's being helped a few feet behind me...  i start typing random things into the address bar, when a porn site pops up with www.lame.com...  and then another site popped up...  and then another one...  and everytime i tried to close one, another one or two popped up...  and the tutor and student behind me went silent until the screen was cleared...  
  Where I live, Humboldt County, CA, there is quite an assortment of Hippie/Homeless/University Students to be had...especially in Arcata, one day while walking through the Plaza in Arcata two of those such people stopped me and asked for change, saying he was hungry, he of course had a small puppy with him so i replied, eat your dog! He said back...IM VEGETARIAN!   hahaha  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My father, during "the talk," described sex as "a pole and a hole in the ground"  I shit you not.  
  I used to go out on Thursdays and Saturdays. Always to the hottest dance clubs that Broome County could offer. There was this beautiful, slender redhead that would dance by herself for hours. For years I would see her in blue jeans and some variation of a blue and white striped shirt. She would turn down every man that asked her out to the dance floor. I never even tried.  Six years after I left for a better job in a bigger town, I returned to visit an old flame. On Thursday we went out to the current hot spot. There was the redhead, dancing by herself next to the dance floor wearing jeans and a blue and white top.  I looked at her and smiled, some things never change. She looked at me and . . . I could not read the look on her face but something was happening in her head at that moment.   Saturday me and the flame went out again. There was the redhead: new haircut, short black dress, on the dance floor. She would not make eye contact with me.  I cannot be certain, but I feel that seeing me after all that time triggered something in her. I wish I knew the whole story, but, of course, I never will.   
  I was talking to an ex-girlfriend that I hadn't seen for a long time.  SHe said that she had a surprise and i replied "what?  Your mom isn't such a bitch anymore?"  and she said "No, she has brain cancer."....whoops        
  There's this street in the city where lots of women go to buy knock off versions of the real thing ie. Gucci, Coach look-a-likes.  The city also has lots of bars and clubs where the same women go to meet knock-off versions of real guys. You no, look-a-likes.  You get what you pay for but you also pay for what you get.   The above,written by a REAL person.       
  Not mine, but my father's.  My dad once told me in his college days at CSU taking biology classes that they had to dissect greyhounds.  Well, the school stored these greyhounds in a large walk-in freezer that had the light switch on the outside.(you can probably guess where this is going).    Well, the bully that he is, my dad throws the most timid guy in the class into the freezer, locks the door, and turns out the light.  The guy screamed and pounded on the door, making quite a scene.    About half an hour later, when it had got relatively quiet, my dad opened the door.  There was the guy, with a glazed look in his eye, swinging around a greyhound leg that he had ripped off of one of the corpses.  He later told my dad ten years later that he still had nightmares about it.  Sometimes people ask me why I am so good at dealing with assholes.  
  One of my fuckbuddies is like my slave.  She is seriously in love with me and does anything I ask her to.  It's kind've funny though because I have no interest in her relationship wise.  I find great humor and pleasure in her face, knowing that she is starstruck with me, while I am pounding the shit out of her box thinking about the hot cheerleader from my gym class.  Life's great.  Especially underclassmen in high school,  
  Lots of public restroom stories. I suggest you read Charles Bukowski's "Post Office". He has a string of lousy jobs, and his way of dealing with an imperfectly maintained restroom is, well, perfect.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Asher came over around 7:00pm and we went to work on boiling an old bowl, and than smashing it to get to the resin. (Wasn t a nice bowl or anything, just a jury rigged piece of crap that had broken off of another bong) I was watching my little brother for the day; he was seven and at this point had very little idea of what drugs were all about. We convinced him that we were breaking up old pieces of glass to collect the "pine resin" on them, and that after we got it all we were going to throw it out, and that it was for social studies. Once we got to work he wanted to help, so we let him, we gave him a chunk or two of glass told him to be careful, and set him to work with a Swiss army knife. After all this we told him not to tell mom about it, and gave him a few vague reasons as to why he shouldn t tell her about it. When all the resin was piled together neatly, he went to watch the Simpson s while Asher and I went out to smoke, he drank a beer and smoked, while I just smoked.  Man, someday my little bros going to think back to this day and, just maybe, realize how big a stoner I am and was.   
  The dark-haired guy plugged three quarters into the jukebox, punched some numbers.  Five seconds later, it started to play "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits.  She sang along, half-embarrassed she knew all the words.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I used to live above a neighbor who played loud crappy techno music all the time.  THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP was all I heard.  She also used to hang out on her balcony with all her stupid wannabe cheerleader friends and ramble on and on.  One of them had a cough like she was already dying of lung cancer at the age of 20 or so.  When I moved out of that place, I poured paint thinner all over her balcony.  Have fun with that sickening smell, bitch.  I would have done it sooner, but the smell would have wafted up to my balcony.   Part of me hopes that she lights a cigarette and drops it, and her whole porch goes up like a bomb.   
  Overheard at the bar:  He: "Can I have a cigarette?"  She: "Sorry, I don't smoke."  He: "Oh, then do you want one of mine?"  She: "Sure!"  He was really smooth about it too.  
  One night my friend and I had fun with cow poop.  It was winter and below zero outside.  We went into the barn and scooped up some fresh ones into a five gallon bucket and mixed with water for the right consistency.  Then we drove around to the school bullies houses, and filled their mailboxes with fresh, stinky, cow poop.  I suppose it was hard for the mailman to get the mail inside of the boxes since it was frozen solid in the morning.  He must have hand delivered it.   
  So I have these girlfriends. By girlfriends I mean women I fuck.  So they come over to my place and we do our nasty deed. When we are finished they want to hop in the shower.  Being a bachelor, I don't have a lot of towels. I have two sets of towels.  My set and the set for the chicks.  I wash mine.  I dry the set they use.  
  Today is one of those days that I cannot wait for work to end.  One of those days that I look forward to that cold one that's waiting at home for me.  And with any luck, she'll be holding a beer...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  i am the anti-lowbrow i haven't pooped since thursday it's now tuesday my stomach hurts  
  what is it about masturbating in outdoor showers? the fresh air? the freedom of having an orgasm outside (albeit confined to a shower)....no it is the fact that I cannot turn the shower head to wash my splurge off the wooden door  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For the first couple of years I lived at my apartment, my girlfriend and I would get drunk and throw our empty bottles over the fence onto the lawn of the Catholic school across the street.  I don't see her anymore.  
  I was on the subway system today. and it was really quite empty. I didn't feel like sitting down, but my bag is heavy, so I put that down on a seat. A woman decides she wants that seat.  I only figure out after that had I been sitting there, she wouldn't have made me move. It was my seat to do with as I pleased.  So I stood really close to her with my bulky bag rubbing against her arms. Then I got braver. I rubbed it against her book. Then braver still. I swung the bag into her face as I left got off at my stop.  Feel the wrath of my bag.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever wonder what it would be like if your digestive system was a closed system like your cardiovascular system? We did. And we're happy to inform you that your mouth would be permanently suctioned to your anus... Think about it...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         White Trash Seduction:  part 2 I smelled bad, but Tina was far too drunk to notice.  She was clearly a total whore, but I was far too drunk to care. She grabbed my ass and winked.  I followed her to her car.  A purple Camero.  "It will be fine," she said, "I am sure my three kids will be asleep by now." Yup, 26 years old, 3 kids from 3 guys, and here I am setting myself up to be baby-dada number four. But by then my dick was doing all the driving.  
  i have a wrist brace... skateboard injury.  had it for a while. i like to sit around and smell it. reminds me of vagina.  
  The neighbor's mom has come to live with her. She's one of those older ladies who might have been decent looking in her (long ago) youth, but is now built like a fireplug with tits to her knees and a face like Rodney Dangerfield in drag and an eyeliner addiction. We call her Sasquatch.  She's taken to going to the same gym as we go to, in the tiniest, Britney-Christina-Gwen Stefani outfits futilely trying to cover acres of stretch marks. Now we go with the game in mind of betting on how many guys do a double take upon seeing her.  Fitness and fun, all in one.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         powerdump blues:  i really hate it when you're squeezing out a huge turd and it breaks off somewhere in the middle...half in the toilet, half in your poop-chute.  then you use a whole roll of Charmin to wipe your ass.  
  i was very nervous the first time i spoke to my girlfriend's mother on the phone.  when she asked if i was a good guy and if i did well in school, i almost choked up laughing.  my gf had told me all about this woman.  she'd been a stripper and had 4 children by several different fathers, and now currently saw a woman.  i don't want to pass judgement or anything, but i'm hardly the influence she had to worry about.  
  this guy who gets drunk as hell and passes out everytime we throw a party, passed out on the couch.  we took off his pants, and put a condom on a pencil and inserted it into his asshole, removed the penicl and left the condom in place.  to wake him up we heated up a hot dog rubbed it on his lips, sprayed some warm floury water all over his face and then i stood there with my pants down dick in hand.   he was pissed - then he felt for the condom and screamed.   he doesnt party with us anymore.  oh well his ass was tight.      
  "Its all about self-enlightenment."  She said while reading a book from Oprah's Book Club.  Thats gotta be an oxymoron.     
  Amsterdam, near the end of 2002. Late evening.  I had become involved in a serious quest for inebriation with a motley crew of international drunks.  An Aussie, two Irishmen, my younger brother, myself and one very hapless Malaysian.  Pints of the cheap local brew, Heineken, had been flowing in and out of me all day long with no sign of stopping.  Three bars down, who knows how many more to go...  Bar #4 introduces me to a substance called  jenever - a special Dutch gin, from what I understand.  Three small shots of this smooth tasting H-bomb in a glass and I am way more drunk than I have rights to be.  Bar #5 is at the insistence of the Irish: a place called  "Teaser's" -like a Dutch version of Hooters, with more skin but the same overpriced drinks...  Another pint and it all catches up to me... I excuse myself to the restroom and find I must pay the grotesque, fat, mongoloid who "attends" the facilities 50 euro cents to let me toss my cookies.  A ghastly torrent of beer and Turkish food forces it's way out of my stomach and into their toilet.  Relief. Ahh, much better. I make my way upstairs... for about 10 seconds.  Nausea once again washes over me, and i run back down and give the "restroom ho" 50 more of my hard earned euro-cents.  More heaving.  This time though, the saloon-style stall doors get kicked open, and two pair of strong Dutch arms grab me and lift me up and out.    "AAAHH!"   I exclaim.  They put me down, shoot each other a puzzled glance and then YELL to the "ho":    "He's just throwing up, it's OK."   They turn to me.   "We thought you were *sniffing*... you know? Cocaine..."   I mutter something about bad shrimp and they laugh at me as I puke some more.   "Be sure to get it all out!"  was the last thing(I remember) they said.  I wasn't snorting coke after all, but I still got thrown out of that bar.  The lowest part is that I had to pay a whole goddamn euro to puke in their festering bathroom.         
  Let me put it this way:  When I awaken at 7 a.m. and my roomate Amy is screaming at me full tilt because my 'friend' who crashed over night woke up at 4 a.m. and drank 7 beers Amy had saved for her boyfriend:  Evil is the word comes to mind.  When my cousin who is full tilt cocked pops in and sits across from me and my new date and says in a drunken whisper loud enough for the Australians to hear - "your fucking HER?"  The word that comes to mind is Evil.  Or when you know who shows up on Chrismas eve swaggering from Hot Damn and weilding a razor blade 'im gonna do it - talk me out of it' for the whole family to enjoy?  Evil i say.  Not sure where tofu figures into this.  I don't think it does.  Sorry.  I never got so stoned I knocked out someones teeth.  Or slept in my own piss - or with my head in the toilet bowl.  Or fucked something nasty which I could not recall.  But Im glad you did - do that is - or else this website wouldn't be half as much fun it is.  Pass that fucking roach.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Oooohhh,  AAaahhhh,   HHuuuummmm,  AAAhhhhhhwwwaaaa,   Hold on,  try not to jiggle so much,  I don't want my beer to fall off of your ass...  
  I have a dream that someday supermodels will judge men by their sense of humor -- not by whether they're pathetic losers.  
  I swore I would never get naked on my webcam. All it took was some linux geek in an irc channel saying "Wow, you're beautiful" and off goes my shirt. Hello internet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i'm leaving a bar on sunset.  had to chug the rest of my huge bottle of beer down cause the lights came on.  by the time i exit the two story fun house, I had to pee bad.  so walking towards the car, I turn up a residential street and start pissing being a parked car.  out of the corner of my eye, I see a police cruiser coming up the street.  i use that special muscle to stop my flow of pee and try to act like im looking for something in my wallet.  the two cops in the cruiser didnt even throw me a casual glance.  bastards.  I didnt even zip up my pants.  i continued to piss the piss of champions into the curb and decided that in the spirit of winning the silent battle with the cops, I would continue my 2 minute piss by putting both hands on my hips and holding my head high.  Soon as i was done, I walked back down to  sunset blvd, bought a round of bacon wrapped hotdogs for everybody and shared my adventure with them.  they didnt think it was as cool as i did.  after getting less than the expected response.  i asked everybody to pay me for thier hotdogs.  
  I just read a moment about a guy saying he'd never hit a girl, unless she happened to be a ninja. Very noble. I wouldn't hit a girl either. But really. What kind of dumb bastard would pick a fight with a fucking ninja?!  
  When I finally cut off my ponytail, my dad saved it in a ziploc.  
  quote sunday sun like razorblades and a thirty pound newspaper on the steps endquote        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My 3 year old urinated all over the carpet in our spare room the other day. I asked him, why didn't you do it in your potty?  "Its too tiring."  Good point.   
  Same petstore. Still 15. Still hate hampsters. Tape some fishnets to broomsticks and what have you got? Hampster Lacrosse!! Furry little bodies flying through the air after store's close, while the managers count down the till. Little fuckers make the greatest noise when you score.   
  Sure it's not puking on a bus, but it's the next best thing.  There was this dirty little bastard infront of me on the city bus (both the bus AND the kid smelled faintly of pot), and what does he do?  Lights a cigarette.  Sure, fine, light your cancer sticks. "Blow that smoke out your ass your dirty shit and put that shit out." Is what I wished I had said...btu never got around to it.  Regardless, I get to my stop and I'm sick.  I figured I'd take my troubles out on him.  Not like he can smell any worse, right?     All over his back.  Sure, a few people noticed, but they didn't say a thing about it.  Funny enough, he wasn't one of the people that noticed, guess he just figured it was the usual bouquette.  Bastard.  
  Sometimes I start to get a warm tingly feeling deep down inside, like I conclude after hours of deliberation that, despite all our differences, mankind will make it all right in the end.   Then I flip it to pro wrestling just in time to see a lengerie pillow fight, and I snap back to my senses.  
  the lowest brow i think i've heard to date is this: my brother's friend was in thailand, ate some street viagra, and got picket up by some chick at a nightclub.  or, he thought he had. after sex, she started asking him for money, at which point he told her to fuck off, she should have make it clear ahead of time that she's a hooker. so she smashed a bar glass on his head and he ran, literally, to the airport, and flew back to the states. my brother picked him up at o'hare, drove to a walgreens, bought some super glue and glued his the guy's ear back together. i do not submit fiction to the brow.  
  Just another Friday night - It is 10:00 pm  and I am with 15 other coworkers eating dinner in the conference room. That's before each of us heads back to the cubes for 2-3 hours of work. Aaah, the glamours life of being an investment banker. Should have kept the bartendering job after college.   
  then it hit me crystally clear most people dont know the difference between the truth and a carefully crafted and effective marking ploy nooks and crannies my ass        
  Funny, happy, childhood coming of age tale.      One day while exploring the woods near a stream my friends and I,both male and female,happened upon an abandoned cooking pot. So we got this idea. My friend Paul filled the pot with stream water and we proceeded to piss and shit in the pot, forming a kind of fascinating feces/fluid stew. After adding a few twigs, some leaves, acorns and dirt we decided our stew was complete.      We spent about an hour marvelling over the putrid concoction and then Paul and I went home whereupon he bragged to his mother and grandmother about our brush with the culenary arts.    I got sent home, Paul got grounded and was made to pray by his grandmother that night.     Moral of the story: Excrement/acorn stew is not edible and Paul's grandmother doesn't want any.           
   Not just any square dance, either. It was in Ashokan, NY, and the bandleader was the fiddler Jay Unger, who did the music for the PBS "Civil War" series. The theme tune to the whole series was his "Ashokan Farewell."  They put on a Halloween concert, with the band all dressed up as Arabs. One of the fiddlers looked like he had a 36" erection under his robe. Halfway through the night, he pulled his robe back to show that he was actually riding a little horse. Jay Unger took the mic: "Ah, that explains why the girls all sound like they got a little ho(a)rse."  
  an infinite amount of monkeys at an infinite amount of typewriters is pretty much what lowbrow is aint it questionmark        
  I still can't figure out what a pubic hair would be doing on a high chair in the cafeteria at my place of work...  
  I wrote with mindless abandon.  My blackened heart skipped a few beats with every horrid second of my life passing... and then.. just then.. I realised...  ...I had written bad gothic poetry.        
  i was bouncing in a redneck bar a few months back, witing to go on shift, having my first beer of the day when i over hear two guys talking about all the ladies that were going to be here that evening.  the first guy turns to his budy and asks him what the plural of tits is.  seeing that both of them are stumped i answer them that tits is already plural, and that it would be redundant to say titses.  the first guy says im a moron, as you never see just a tit on a girl, and the second guy asks what about that masectomy look, but he calls it the boob-lop.  i look at the bartender and all she has to say is that i only encourage it by talking to them....  it was at this point i decided to go back to school, but we see where this has gotten me.  
  The highlite of his day was going home to watch taped episodes of "Charles in Charge." Boy that Willie Aames is hilarious.       
  I hate lighter thieving bastards.  I once lived with one.  He would "borrow" my lighter and it would disappear into the black empty vortex and leave me with burning my eyebrows on the stove.  After a few days the lighter would reappear in between the cushions of whatever couch he happened to be sitting on.  
  I was eating dinner with some friends of mine last night.  They bring up the name of a girl I don't particularly like because she moved in on a date of mine one time.  I said something along the lines of what a bitch she was. Then they told me she had lymphoma. I felt guilty for a minute about bad-mouthing her. Then I remembered I didn't like her and the fact that she has lymphoma is not my fault and she's still a bitch.  
  suislide665's idea.  things that have been in my eye unintentionally: 1) my finger 2) a book 3) a gameboy 4) mountain dew (painful) 5) semen (mine) 6) penny 7) pencil 8) small buddha statue 9) weed 10) lemon air freshener 11) ramen noodle 12) fists 13) uncontained rage 14) dog 15) keys  
  years ago i was splitting an apartment with a bud of mine.    he shows up middle of the morning hung over to the bejezus, saying how he has to get some sleep before his haircut appt with a hot little number he was hitting on.  two seconds after his head hit the pillow he was snoring.  1 min after that, i moved the time forward on his alarm clock 2 hrs.  the first time it went off, i thought he broke it.  but 9 min later the snooze went off.  he figured out something HAD to be wrong as i was laughing to hard.  
  Today, I wore a black thong under my denim skirt.  I took a huge, feeling-sick dump during the day, and apparently wasn't thorough about cleaning myself up.    Fast-forward to his mom's birthday dinner.  I had to go to the bathroom for the first time since the icky poo, and realize that my wedgie had gotten some on my thong.  :(  Rather than let my boyfriend discover it while seducing me, I took them off and threw them in the trash, and went back into the resturaunt.  
  Another moment about a broken speedometer:  My uncle was once speeding down the street and he got pulled over........twice.........in the same area..........on the same day............by the same cop.  He went to a mechanic friend, and had them write up a note, saying that he was speeding cause he had a faulty speedometer, but the speedometer was fixed now. He went to fight the ticket in court, and showed the judge the note the mechanic had wrote.  He said to the judge "how stupid must I be to speed in the same area, on the same day twice" and the judge said "pretty stupid" and made him pay the ticket   This is the same uncle that sold me the car that now has a broken speedometer.   I hate irony  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         do you ever get an orgasm  from holding in urine?  hmmm, maybe im just weird...  
  imagine wearing dentures and teaching a roomful of highschool students the crusty wench whined at me from the tv imagine having to explain yourself to your grandkids with that on your resume  
  Bored?  Try going down to K-mart, and go into the section with all of the clock radios.  Synchronize the time on all the clocks, set all the alarms to go off 10 minutes later, then head to the appliance section and wait for the fun to begin.  
  The first time I made out with a guy beyond just kissing I was 14 and we were in the backyard of a mutual friend. He told me to sit down and I refused. He asked again and I refused again. So he got a hand-job from me whilst standing up. He just wanted us to get comfy on the grass. I thought he wanted a blowjob and I wasn't about to do that. A small misunderstanding on my part. Sorry Bobby.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Somebody (probably me) had made too many long-distance phone calls from the computer lab where I work at my college, so they took the phone out.   They didn't disconnect it though. A couple of times I've seen this guy come in with a phone, plug it in, and talk on it. He does this late at night. Weird.   
  Yesterday was my birthday...It came and went without much fanfare...  Today at work they bought me a cake... it had a beer on it...  Not an actual beer but a beer decoration.  ...everyone at work thinks I'm an alcoholic. They think this because as a rule, I'm at least thirty minutes late for work every morning and I don't begin to be productive until at least noon, if then.  ...If only they knew that it wasn't alcoholism. Only chronic laziness. Do you think that would matter much to them?  
   I pitched the Portland Creative Conference to my boss. He didn't get it.  Then, I pitched the conference  organizer for a scholarship -- I did get it.   Then I told my boss. He still didn't get it. On the day the conference started, my boss terminated me! So, I went to the Portland Creative Conference, broke, needing to apply for foodstamps , and won a $20-bill off the web design Guru David Seigel when I correctly named the evil character in Ghostbusters: Sandor (happens to be my name.) I think Seigel intended the offer of $20 to be a  figure of speech -- but I marched up to collect it 'cause I didn't even have enough money to get my car out of the parking garage! And I needed to buy lunch because I was about to faint from hunger.  It was a low-brow moment. (But I am grateful that Seigel actually forked out the money AND told us all about this site.) Thanks David -- You are a Mensch and ya did a real kindness -- more than you realized! Bless you.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  You know what's bad? My ex-girlfriend decides to take pictures of me in the shower, I'm a bit wary, so she says "Don't worry its got no film in it"  You know what's worse? She was lying.  You know what's even worse? My dad decides to get them developed...  I guess sometimes you can only laugh... hehehe  
  she theyve got like twelve kids between them he what are they from utah or something she yes they are the mouth feverishly looks for  the missing foot it was so used to gnawing on  let it get away for one minute and see what happens see exclamationpoint        
  "ooo nice belt"... and then she lunged at my crotch...  
  i'm not broke anymore, but i'm not allowed to cash in my empty bottles until 10:30   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I've been sitting at the computer for 4 hours straight.  Between Lowbrow and a game, I have yet to do anything.  I get up, stretch, and think to myself how I really wanna do a cartwheel and jump up into that cieling fan.  I need to get high.  
  my ex's little sister (1 year yuonger) has always been a real bitch to my ten year old sister... i mean what sophmore picks on a 5th grader?? well one day i went over my bf's house n secretly poured peroxide into her "sheer blonde" conditioner... the next day she came into school wearing a hat to hide the pink hair ~ fealing pride in my prank i went home to find my sister crying about how she still made fun of her... sure enough i took my pissed off self back to my bf's house to "visit" except this time i carried with me, Nair. I laughed devilishy while pouring... to find the next day that angela, the bitch, slept over a friends house that night and my boyfriend had no hair ~ not only did he go bald but he had an illergic reaction to the Nair and left school early to go to the clinic... he eventually found out it was me and hasnt talked to me since... oops  
  So the boss comes into my office (I'm the IT guy here...) and says that he cant open a file he was working on yesterday. I meander over to look at his PC and find the file under the recent documents list.  When I try to open it, it says that the file has been moved or renamed...turns out he actually deleted the file by mistake, THEN emptied the recycle bin. Considering that this monkey has caused me nothing but grief in the past, I decide against telling him about the backup tapes - I dont really feel like working today anyway. I explain to him that it is gone, and he will have to start over. As Im leaving I hear him yelling at himself (like a 9 year old....) "Stupid stupid stupid me!!! Im stupid!!!"  I just walk away nodding and smiling to myself...then it occurs to me - this man is running our company. My smile fades.  /me blows dust off resume and logs into Monster.com  
  masturbation is like a movie. sure you could watch the movie, but the book is probably alot better.  
  So he was at a serious wanker's house party and needed to take a monster dump.  Upstairs in the master bathroom, after nearly popping a vein in his forehead, he squeezes out a major grogan.  It is solid, dark, brooding, and magnificent.  Using a pair of toothbrushes like tongs/chopsticks he wrestles the unwieldy monster into a dirty tube sock laying on the floor.  He grabbed the sopping wet bundle by the open end, went into the bedroom, and started whirling around, droplets of water spinning off the end of the sock, coating the room in a fine mist, like a holy censor of dungwater.  I feel compelled to tell the tale over and over again as if to achieve some sort of impossible catharsis.  On the other hand, I do enjoy a good poop story.  
  Crazybitch's husband came home from his longest busines trip yet. I decided to lay low and not do anything to her for a while, in case he came back more of a cranky asshole than usual.  Well, he did, as evidenced by the three cop cars that got called to their domestic disturbance reunion.  I just sat on the porch with a six pack, watching the show and giggling. Thank you, officer, for annoying them more than I ever could.  And now that they're out of their house for a while....hmmm.  
  Dad was in the hospital for intestine surgery, and afterwards they wouldn't feed him until they knew that his intestines were working again.  I called him up.  "Hey, Dad, how you doing?"  "Well, good news.  I farted today."  "Hey, that's great!"       
  I have nipple hair.  Not regular nipple hair.  There is a hair on my left nipple that is 2 inches long.  I shave my pubes.  Looks odd with a triangle of baldness inbetween two large hairy legs and a happy trail that has infested the rest of my stomach.  I used to think when I was younger that I used to eat alot of hair and it came out when I shit.  Now I realize I just have a hairy ass, with tufts of hair all in my crack.  The worst part is, I'm 19 and can't grow facial hair.  Life is so cruel.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went into the bathroom at 164 pounds. Left at 158 pounds. You do the math.  
  When my boyfriend of about a year broke up with me, I was devestated.  I frequently contemplated mailing him an envelope that contained: his favorite pair of my panties(completely shredded), shards of broken glass, and the leg of one of the kittens my cat had (it was sick and died).  I didn't, just because it's going to be much more humorous a year from now.  
  Many people use the linux operating system. I am a linux user myself. But if you have a linux bumper sticker on the bumper of your car, email me and tell me where you live, so I can burn your house down. You are making us look bad.  
  Hearing you parents have sex fucking sucks. I mean, I understand that everyone has to get theirs...but not screaming while their 15 year old daughter sits on the computer right outside their room talking to her 22 year old lover that they don't know bout. They think I'm staying at kelli's? Haha. How gullible can they get? Do they think that I can't hear them screaming and moaning? Shit. I hate my parents.   
  Detente!  I'm the one who figured out that our perv of a boss has put a hidden cam in the unisex bathroom...  But I can't much use that information against the crusty old bastard, seeing as how he has god knows how much footage of me jerking it in there.   
  My assistant (before she was laid off) asked me one time,  Why don t you like country and western music? Your physical bearing is the epitome of Texas country.   I, being extremely insulted, ranted at her, telling her that I was absolutely not a C&W person    As I stood there in my Levis and boots and then told her in my pure Texas twang that I was going to take an early lunch break to have my Chevy pickup truck serviced.   
  There I was, standing outside my school's library right in the middle of a busy London neighborhood, waiting for a call on my mobile phone.  A very ordinary looking man walks up to me and asks if I would like a free haircut. He has a comb in one hand.  "Uh, no thanks," I say.  His eyes narrow, looking at me with deep suspicion. "Oh, I wasn't going to give you the haircut," he explains. "My friend over there would do it."  As if that made things any better.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i know i'm in love when i'd rather do her in the front then from behind.  
  I hate cleaning the cat litter box. Our cat stays in the garage most of the summer, so usually I don t bother   I just let the crap build up until there s no place for him to stand.  I used to really loath winter, because it meant we d have to move the cat indoors, and I d have to start cleaning the cat box again. We had to watch the dogs closer too, because they d always be rooting around in there. That s when I got the brainstorm.  I made the cat box completely accessible to the dogs. Now, the only thing I have to do is make sure the dogs don t lick my face.   
  The two granola crunchy lesbians with look-at-us-we're-hippies birkenstocks on in front of me in line at the video store:  "Do you really want to go to that party?"  "No, let's just go home and make some soy chicken and watch Golden Girls."  And I was supposed to NOT laugh?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote: Beguiled by the hype on the package, i purchased condoms called "Beyond 7". When i got home my girlfriend began to laugh hysterically. "Beyond 7" refers to penis length in inches. :endquote  Chump.  
  they began to wrestle over the sunglasses in the middle of the parking lot. they were evenly matched- one was taller and skinnier and the other was shorter and more stout. I think I spent the whole time laughing at them. that is, right after I grabbed the sunglasses for myself.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Main Entry: per i ne um Pronunciation: "per-&-'nE-&m Function: noun Inflected Form(s):  plural per i nea /-'nE-&/  Etymology: Middle English, from Late Latin perinaion, from Greek, from peri- + inan to empty out; perhaps akin to Sanskrit isnAti he sets in motion Date: 15th century : an area of tissue that marks externally the approximate boundary of the outlet of the pelvis and gives passage to the urinogenital ducts and rectum; also : the area between the anus and the posterior part of the external genitalia  Taint, Yoshi, Nacho, Etc.  
  My keyboard is broken.  Most of this sentence was painstakingly copied and pasted from various porn sites sex anal movies videos mpeg.  Oops.  
  this memory just surfaced:  in 5th grade this smart ass girl (who later became hardcore militant) tried her godamndest to impress the teacher with the word "yonder".  anyone give me a verb? hed say - up goes the hand:  "yonder?"  no, thats not a verb.  she tried for days to no avail.  i for one was impressed.  
  --masturbation tip A-->  whilst whackin, use free hand to pour a carbonated drink, from a few inches above your mouth, onto your tongue.  your brain will dig the dual sensations, trust me.  ::CAUTION!:: keep in mind that heightened arousal can cause uncoordination, and pouring said drink down your chin or into your lap may occur  leaving you to explain to your roommate who comes in unannounced  either why you appear to have been drooling or pissing yourself.  option B: teach your roommate masturbation tip A  per preference   
   Three years ago, my parents, twin brother, and I(16)were walking to a London subway station at about 2 AM or so. As we're waiting outside there's this drunk old beggar asking for change about 10 feet away. This woman goes up gives him a couple bucks, and while thanking here he proceeds to drop his pants and start to drop his boxers. Then, when she turned to get away from this, he started following her with his pants around his ankles. He goes a couple of steps, stops, and then proceeds to walk straight into the brick wall next to him. Stops for a second, shakes his head, and then walks right back into the wall again. Sadly we didn't get to watch any more due to the trains untimely arrival, gotta love family vacations!  
  A friend first told me of the Irish Ice Game while we were in a hotel on some school trip. It consists merely of getting a bucket of ice from the ice machine and sitting around throwing ice into the toilet. We did this for about an hour and a half that night before we found something better to do. Then another friend and I did the same thing on a different school function a few months later  
  okay, i was stuffing my bra before school with some kleenex. i wanted to see how i would look.(mind you this was wheni was in junior high). and i forgot to take them out before i left. so anyways, i get to luch period at school, and this guy starts laughing and pointing. i look down and my stuffing was popped out of one side. he yelled it across the lunch room. "amber stuffs!!!" from then on until i moved, everyone called me stove top.  
  First time with the coke. At my friend Dan's place after work, to help him move into his new place. His roomate's dad show's up with the van, but the rommate doesn't, so the move never happens, and the dad leaves. Dan breaks out some nice real Columbian shit. Cuts a not so big line for me to do my first sniff of. He's telling me it's very good shit, and puts on some dark electronica in the backgroud. Suddenly I feel like I am in an after school special on tv. I do my line and sit up. I ask him how long it takes to kick in. He says it's not too fast. Maybe 30 secs or a min. By 1:30 I am flying, nervous as hell, and freaking out in a panicy kind of way. Dan is quite nervous, too. I stand up, walk around, ask for water, pace, head to bathroom where I drop to my kness and drop back so my shins and back and head are all touching the floor, limp. He think's I od'ed. I am still concious and with his help I make it to his bed where I lie down. Just a little freak out that almost gave him a heart attack. We chatter away rightly for a while as I come to grips with it. Not 20min after the fall in the bathroom - which left me with a nice bump on my head - I like it.  I have done it less than 5 times in the years since then. It's not my bag, really. But I just couldn't let that be my only time. I couldn't let the shit own me like that.   
  when i was in second grade, i told a girl who was a friend of mine (Jesalyn) that i had a crush on another girl, Shannon. the next day, Jesalyn leaned over to Shannon and told her that i had a huge crush on her, right in front of me. i was mortified, since in the second grade boys aren't supposed to like girls.  i haven't trusted a girl since then.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sideshow and I are headed out to a club...but we're both underage so we have this AWESOME plan:  I take a couple of shots of vodka at her house...She drives to the club.  we make a water bottle of vodka/orange juice for her to chug in the parking lot when we get there.  That way when it's time to go we're both ok to drive but we definitly have our fun.  Anyways here's what happened on this july night...  Sideshow is driving my car...We are following a group of friends in another vehicle.  Im starting to really feel it, like REALLY, and shes taking swigs from the bottle as she drives since it wont really take effect for another 15 or so, we're so close to the club!  Im drunk, she's drinking, we're both underage, she's DRIVING and all of a sudden there are flashing lights behind us!  SHIT!  Im drunk so i cant think straight.  Sideshow give me the bottle and instructs me to hide it under the seat and get my shit out of the glovebox so its ready.  we pull over.....  and the cop goes AROUND us to pull over the car that we had been following for going like 6 over!  and all the while I had been thinking to myself 'if i act like i passed out, the cops couldnt talk to me and they'd just let us go"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a cop came into the antiqueshop to show us descriptions of some stuff that'd been burgled.   One item was an art-deco tea and coffee set. The cop said 'All the pieces are hexagonal. They have uh...ummm...they have quite a few sides...'  he had a digital watch too, none of this 'big hand, little hand' nonsense, he know what time it be  
  i love the dollar store.  to date, i have bought 4 things at the dollar store which i have eventually used to masturbate with.  each, for a dollar.  i really love the dollar store.  
  The payphone down the hall from my office rang continuously since about 3:00 today.  Looking forward to picking up the phone that had been driving me crazy and making me seriously doubt my sanity on my way out of the building and screaming at the idiot on the other end to go fuck himself, I approached the phonebooth with a spring in my step.  As I reached my hand toward the reciever, the ringing suddenly stopped.  I stood there for 20 minutes, just praying that the idiot would call back.   
  Alright, my buddy Trevor got totally blitzed at a party. He preceded to take a stroll down Como Lake Rd. with a few friends of mine(Also tanked out of their minds)  About halfway down the road the group gets stopped by a cop car. It turns out the officer was female. She asked  "How are you doing tonight guys?"  Trevor replies  "How you DOIN?"  As suave as a guy who had just become flat out brain drunk could.  Trevor doesn't drink to much anymore.   
  " Can  you drive a stick, sweetie?" the used car salesman inquired oh-so solicitously.  "I prefer manual transmission," I replied.  Apoplectically: "You're the  one !  You've got to see this car!"  Then confidentially:  "This is the car I'd be buying myself if I didn't have to pay the kid's tuition every month."    He walked over to a little red Honda, gesturing and excited.  "This car is the cat's ass!"      &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother worked at a summer camp for the disabled, and one day they threw a dance party for the kids   he later tried to describe to me exactly the emotion he felt while watching a roomful of retarded Amish children dancing wildly to "It's Raining Men"  
  Her(basking in the glow after 3-in-a-row):  Whoa...  Me:  Mmmm-hmmm.....  Her:  I didn't know a fat guy could get down like that.  Me:  Uhhm....thanks...?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In elementary school, I was so happy with dividers for urinals..  so .. private.       in middle school I was all "wtf!?!"  what if some bastard peeps at my winker?  but now I dont give a fuck.  I'll dickslap that fucknut.  yeah fuck you too.  
   Finally Out Of Mom's Clutches  Am I ever! She's on the West Coast, I'm on the East Coast. 'Cept this is Scotland, so that only means 80 miles, but it's still  distance , finally. I'm shacking up with four women! Well, OK ... we're living in the same apartment, but they all invited me to live with them so surely ...! No -- they just wanted me to live with them. If I'd been old enough to understand the many varied joys of laundry hampers, I could have had a field day, but I was too young - it was just a big, overflowing box in the bathroom (moron!). I get the best room, and set it up to perfection. I even moved in a  double  bed! I spend many nights lying there imagining some woman/girl lying beside me - something that is just bound to happen soon, isn't it? But before that happens, my mother announces a visit. I panic -- what will she think when she sees I have a double bed? She'll ... she'll think that maybe I'm having  sex  with girls/women! I can't bear the thought of her thinking that and looking at me with those Mother Eyes that I finally just got away from. So I disguise it: I put a big board across one half of the bed, and load it with all my stereo equipment. Mom notices the bed immediately, and sniffs around it. Me: "Oh, that was here already, so I thought it'd be really neat to be able to control my stereo while I'm in bed..." I get the Mother Eye look anyway, but I guess I've finally been away from home long enough that I manage to stare back. She says nothing, and I walk her back to the train station. The train pulls out with her waving. I wave back like a dutiful son, but as soon as the train vanishes into the tunnel underneath Edinburgh Castle, I jump about a yard, and run home to put my stereo back where it belongs...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Dad allways comes off as really laid back and joky, but in truth he's really serious. So one day we went to McDonalds, and you all know the sign that say, "The smiles are free!", well, My Dad walks in and says, "I'd like 100 smiles today please". The cashier laughs, and says, "What can I help you with sir?" to which my Dad replies, "That's 1."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the first girl who humped me was the current squeeze of a giant metal-head speed freak who wanted to kill me for it, but never did anything. via word-of-mouth, i heard i was about as pleasurable as tampon insertion... but my stamina was impressive. my friends said "yeah, it's like waving a broomstick around in a swimming pool... once in a while it'll hit the side..." in retrospect, it's a really aggravating scenario, but i figured then, as i do still, it was best to lose my virginity to a slut who didn't mean a damn thing to me.  
  In my Jeep Wrangler, towing a trailer, I was making a left turn when a woman in an SUV nails the brakes and plows into my trailer from the oncoming lane. She had been going too fast and slid on the rainslick pavement, as evidenced by her fifty-foot skidmarks. The trailer swung around and smashed into the front end of another SUV that was waiting at the intersection.  The cops took pity on the blubbering driver of the SUV that hit me, so wrote it up as though it was my fault. Whatever...  My enduring thought is that I took out two $40,000 SUVs with one $400 trailer. Fuckin gas-guzzling behemoth-driving bitches.  
  Met a girl on ICQ from Europe.  Sent her pictures.    Fishing for a compliment I say, " I know I'm nothing to look at, but I'm a good talker."  She sez: "I know you are nothing special, but we are all about the exchange of ideas."  Fucking Europeans.     
  Tell me honestly.  Have you.  Have you ever wondered if your mom gave dad a blowjob right before she kissed you goodnight?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the time, it seemed like a good idea to cook the pound and a half of bacon on the electric barbeque outside the back door of the cabin so that we wouldn't wake up all the passed-out partiers scattered about inside.  Somehow, the cabin's owner didn't appreciate our reasoning when we blackened half the outside wall and burned a hole on part of the roof from the ensuing flames.  
  I recently had sex for the first time...after a couple times missionary was getting boring so my boyfriend suggested "spicing it up" and try doin it doggy style.  I tried out of curiousity.   Anyways, afterwards I experienced a queef for the first time. You can probably imagine the embarrasment I felt - Even after he said it was a "normal reaction."  Later I told my older sister about it and she laughed saying "it happens to the best of us...but I have one question - did it sould like a KAAABOOOM or weeeeee?"  Well... KAAAABOOM and then weeeee.   
  Working at a CompUSA in Northern Jersey, I was sometimes asked to help corral shoplifters, who were spotted via the hidden cameras viewed through monitors in the security room.  This time it would not be as easy as we had hoped.  The guy was about 6'6" and I am only 5'10".  He weighed a good 100 pounds more than I do.  We approached and he threatened me with a chair.  He delivered on his promise.  The chair flew at me and he flew out the door.  I hit the deck and he got away.  Moral of the story:  We got your license plate, fucker.  
   It starts out innocently enough... simply admiring and fondling.  Working the moving parts.  Fingering the intricate details.  Then you're in bed... pumping wildly...  The friction, the sound, the oil flying...  Nothing like a good rifle cleaning session!  '43  
  I've been watching lots of the Molto Mario show on the Food Network. He seems to deep-fry everything. I wanted to try it. Then it hit me: no one's ever deep fried a Twinkie.   So I got a bottle of Canola Oil (it's more healthful, you know)and a box of the individually wrapped snacks, then used the burner on the bbq in the back-yard. (I didn't want to be known as the guy who burned down the house deep-frying Twinkies). Got the oil super super hot.  The skin crisps up nicely, sealing in the white molten core, which spurts out when you bite into it, kind of like trailer park Chicken Kiev.    
  So, ahem, yes: she claimed in all seriousness that Jesus was one sexy hot mother fucker.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once while in France and needing to piss, I finally found a public bathroom in a petrol and rushed in. All the stalls were closed; locked. I looked frantically for the maid--it's not uncommon for maids to be resident in men's restrooms in Europe with a tipping bowl in between cleanings--there was none.   In the panicking silence, punctuated now and then by drips and grunts from the stalls, I noticed something. The wall opposite the stalls was... stained... There was a drain at the bottom, and little tiles elevated somewhat around that drain. This was rural France, of course! I hadn't noticed it right away... I ported with the wall as best I could, with my shoes positioned safely above the drain on the tile pads. I pissed on the wall as quickly as I could, hoping to be out soon. In America, I'd always had problems using the mass troughs in basball stadium bathrooms.  I finished to find the maid had emerged from one of the stalls. In easy-to-understand English and broken French I asked her how much the tip was.  She explained in a strong French accent and perfect English that she was not the maid.  
  I used to work at Walgreens ... well here's why I got fired:  Every once in a while, this transexual used to come into the store.  S(he) had long blond hair and wore heavy makeup.  On one particular night, a young boy (if I had to guess, I'd say he was 14) came up to the counter and asked for the key to the bathroom.  As I was getting it, I began to feel a bit mischievous. "Do you know what a transexual is?" I asked the boy. "Yeah, why?" was his reply. "Oh, because there's one in the store right now." So as we were walking towards the back of the store where the bathroom was, I nonchalantly pointed the he-she out. . . .  "that's my dad..."  "Oh, I'm ... sorry (?) ... ug .. err"  "He just likes to wear his hair long", he said; and with that, he went to the bathroom.  Shortly after they left the store, Mr. Chickwithdick herself comes storming back in asking to speak to the manager.  I heard something about "suing for libel."  Never did get sued, but I was fired the next week.  Next time, I'm keeping my damn mouth shut.  
  You know, it is said that Spam can last up to 50 years in the can and not spoil?  Spam. The closest thing to Immortality.  
  i know this won't at all sit well with her to post this because it is in no way truly lowbrow, but i finally met LaDeeFrickingDa online and talked to her for a decent amount of time about meaningful things.  she's a beacon of hope for humanity. a truely free and genuine spirit. that is, if it's true that she's actually a girl and not some fat hairy guy in a west virginia bondage dungeon wearing a black leather mask and getting off to the conversations he's having with people that think he's a sexually liberated woman that takes the time to talk to admirers. in which case, she/he would still be a beacon hope for humanity... but in a fucked up and kinky sorta way.  
  My friend Aeve and I had made a road trip to Montana for my 20th birthday.  After meeting up with a friend of mine that lived there we decided to rock that hotel room.   Much booze consumed, much weed smoked.  Finally I passed out on one bed, she on the other. In the middle of the night she sits up on the middle of the bed waking me up and screams "Crack whore on whore! Ba-a-a-a-a-ad Billy!" Then she rolls over and continues sleeping.  Unfourtunately she doesn't remember what she dreamt about. Whatever it was, it must have been interesting.   
  lowbrow translated to german is geistig Anspruchsloser. geistig Anspruchsloser translated back to english is mentally undemanding. mentally undemanding translated to german is geistlich undemanding. geistlich undemanding translated back to english is religiously and one thing.  i propose lowbrow dot com change its name to religiously and one thing dot com.  what the fuck?  
  i walked into my favourite tobacco shop yesterday and saw a mid-thirties lady standing behind the counter that i had never seen there before.  she was fighting with someone about something, but all i could notice was that her tits really sagged.  i mean, they were at her bellybutton. anyhow, i walk up her and say, "a pack of bali hais please." she snottily says, "i need to see your id." i sigh and say, "i'll have to go get it from my car."  i say this in an exasperated tone, because everyone else there knows me and i'm irritated that shes being snotty. she says, in a bitchy tone, "alright." so i leave to go to my car, muttering "jesus" on my way out, to which she replies, once again, in a bitchy tone, "well, maybe you should bring it into a tobacco shop with you.  this IS a tobacco shop you know." to which i reply,   "yeah, i guess i'll have to keep bringing in my ID until my tits are as saggy as yours."  i guess i won't be going there anymore.  
  A serious relationship is when you can ask for a rimjob with a straight face.  
  I hate this...  You're sitting around smokin' some reefer.  You're also holding the bowl (it's better if you're in your friends car with leather seats).  You're also talking jibberish to your friend.  Then, after you've FINALLY been talking long enough to forget what the hell you were talking about in the first place (you know it happens to you), you go to take another toke off the bowl (who's hit is it?  I forget...it must be mine).  You lift up the bowl and...  It's upside down.  Now you have to figure out whether the bowl was actually empty, and you jsut forgot and subconciously your mind wanted to pack another bowl ("hey!  you!  down there!  send up some more thc!").  Or maybe you really did drop the bowl, but it's okay because it was pretty much beat anyway (who cares about the ash on your pants).  Or maybe the bowl still had some in it in which case you need to start looking for it.  Or maybe you dropped the bowl, and it was still burning, in which case you'd better just jump out the door because your friend is going to kill you for burning his leather seats.  Or maybe...  "Duuuuude you dropped the fuckin' bowl" "Did I?! (look at bowl) Ohhh shit!"  
  I was sitting at home with a friend, who told me he had to leave soon, because he had a gig doing a comedy bit as part of an outreach-type-program at the local Children's Hospital.  As he was walking out the door, I said "Hey, knock 'em dead". It was a joke, but he got all stern and offended.  Maybe I should be the one doing the comedy.   
  I am masturbating as you read this.   - twisted@poop.com   ------  I was masturbating when i read it.  small world, eh?  
  I have a t-shirt with a goofy picture on it of a little Asian looking cartoon guy in a coolie hate and the words Hop Sing Rice Company under it. The fat Hawaiian bitch at the Safeway just asked me if I knew it was racist to wear it.   I told her I wasn't racist, I was the most equal opportunity person she'd ever met. She asked how so? I replied I equally hate all you stupid fuckers and would gladly dance in the street to see your mutilated bodies hanging from the streetlamps.  She got so rattled she fucked up my change and I got $5 extra. I must remember shopping is more fun in the middle of the night.   
  I went to a pub in Savannah, GA a few nights ago.   I overheard the bartender telling this story:  "Dated a girl for 3 and a half years.  During that time she was my best bud in the world, we did everything together.  We decide to get married.  We have a huge wedding, invite everyone we know.  After the ceremony and the reception, we drive off to our honeymoon spot during which my new bride turns to me and says, 'Shit's gonna change now.'  "I figure it's just post wedding jitters and in a day or two I'll have my old buddy back.  "The next day, I wake up and she has cancelled all the plans I had already made for our honeymoon, including the private beach and beach house I rented that I put $2000 down on and can't get back.  "She decided she wanted to go to Disney World instead.  "A year and a half pass and I say to my wife, 'Honey, you should go out to the beach with your friends for a while and by the time you get back, I'll have moved all my stuff out of the house.  "She replied, 'That's the best idea you've had since we got married."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the bogan dude with the same name as me who always props up the bar of the Parky Tavern stole an endangered turtle from the zoo.  Two days later they'd tracked the chip implanted in its shell to his house, he was so busted, the fuckwit.  My friends who heard it on the news thought it was me.    
  So there was this fabulous piece of graffiti that appeared on the side of a boarded up downtown building soon after the WTC attack. It made me happy to see it, painted in a child's type scrawl in white paint on the purple-painted boards that have covered up access to said building for over a year now. The crisp words "warring for peace is like raping for virginity" were a phrase I'd heard before, but they seemed absolutely beautiful up on that wall. Like they were always meant to be there. It was a shiver-up-my-spine moment. I went back a few days later to take a photograph of that section of the wall... and someone had sloppily slapped some dull grey paint over the four words 'warring,' 'peace,' 'raping,' and 'virginity.' Because those words were much more offensive to cultured human beings than the "fucking cunt" graffiti just one section of wood down the wall.  
  Grocery clerk entry #8: Conversation between customer and coworker, 1 week before Christmas Cust: "Do you have the sun-dried tomato pesto cheese spread?" Cw: "No.  We're out & it won't be back in stock until afetr the 1st of the year." Cust:   "You just ruined my Christmas party!" Cw: "I wasn't even invited!"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "What, are you done already?"  "Myith tongth ish tiredth"  *sigh*  
  After a long conversation about the greatest numbing ass product, Anal Ease, I tried to change the subject. What I said was "But, fucking......" My friend explodes into laughter, while I had to wait until she was done, so she could tell me what was soooo funny!  
  I hit reload again and again looking for my moment. Finally, the random generator gave me my sugar. I read through it and noticed a typo.   Began dammit! Not begun.  Frustrated again.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On my ride to work this morning I noticed that my tank was almost empty. My wife had the checkbook and the Visa card so I would have to make due with the five dollars i had in my wallet.  I pull into the nearest gas station and begin to gas up my car.  As I stare at the numbers of the gas pump quickly ticking up to my five dollar limit a red porche pulls into the lane across from me. The door opens and out steps the goddess of sexuality.  She had long blonde hair, pale skin and pouty lips. She was wearing a low cut blue satiny top and a short tight black miniskirt. I was transfixed.   This Beauty begins fueling her car and taps the side of her head as if she remembered something. She heads back over to the open drivers side door and  proceeds to bend over searching for something in the back seat. An full bore erection is forming as I stare at  the curvature of her ass. It was a perfect heart shape. As she leaned further into her car her skirt rides up a little higher and i'm graced with the sight of lacy black panties.  I craned my neck to get a better angle up her skirt. Thats when the gas pump in my hand made a loud thud.  I have the realization I wasnt paying  attention and spin around to face the pump. I see $23.56.  Shit!  
  There are several people at the bar.  All standing, slouching or leaning onan appendage.Angry, one man asks for another beer, not getting the attention hedeserves.  Give me a drink he wills the bartenders.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  so I was supposed to cook spaghetti meat sauce.  I used to use woks to do that sort of thang, but our new stoves are wok uncompatable so instead we use cooking pots.  I pour in the oil (so I can stir fry the meat) and turn on the stove, and proceed to chop garlic.  After I'm done, I turn around, and there's the pot just spewing out smoke.  I mean, MAJOR smoke.  So being a smart little former home ec student, I know to remove the pot from the stove.  The minute I pick it up, it bursts into flames.  I'm running around in a panic with a pot of fire, and suddenly I get this great idea to put out the fire.  I put the pot in the kitchen sink, and turn on the water at full blast.  "F*CK!!!!!!!!" My life passes before my eyes as a cascading four-foot wall of inferno erupts out of the cooking pot.  I manage to stick my hand through the fire to turn the water off, which ends the inferno.  The pot's still on fire though, so I fumble with the backdoor with one hand and carry the burning pot into the grass.  I dumped the oil in my neighbor's lawn.  
  I have a student planner. I think of murder and suicide 50 times a day. The one thing I'm good at drawing is murder and suicide, so I draw just that in my planner whenever I get bored. Last year I had a drawing where I was shooting a particularly bitchy teacher. A friend pointed out to me that while if my drawings of violence were found, I would get sent to the school psychologist, but if a very specific murder of a teacher was seen I might get expelled. So I turned the dress into pants and added a small moustache right above the mouth.   You don't get expelled for drawing Hitler's brains getting splattered against a wall.   
  Some old ex-hippy tried to kiss me at the bus stop. He told me they called him Christopher "in California" I had a dream he was chasing me down the street, so I had my mommy drive me to school the next day even though I was in college.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There are two kids who live on my floor who are pretty cool, Joe and Eric. Joe and Eric went out to Remi's which is the local 18+ to drink bar in the city, and meet up with these two girls there that go to a different bar onthe VERRRRRRRRRY very outskirts of the city, while our school is right near the center.. anyway. Joe and Eric have much smoothness ability with the ladies, not unlike your fair narrator, so the girls decide as a team to say "Ok, lets go hook up at your dorms later." Except the girls' friends say to them "Hey, wait, you just met these guys and now you're going back to their dorms to hook up with them that isn't smart." So they convince them to drag Joe and Eric back to the girls' school, and take the college's bus back to campus.  When they get back to the school, Joe's girl sees what else just as she gets off the bus but her boyfriend. Hilarity ensues.  So after narrowly missing a fight Joe and Eric and Eric's girl go back to the girl's dorm room. Eric and his chick start to snuggle up closely and Joe is wasted off his rocker right now so he passes out on the room's floor. Eric's girl's roommate then falls asleep, being as it's 3am, so Eric and his girl decide "Carpe Noctum" and start banging away, and they do this for a little while and it was good until the door to the room opened.  And in the middle of the doorway stood a girl. And she was pissed. And she was screaming.  "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU LITTLE SLUT, YOU JUST MET THIS GUY AND NOW YOU'RE FUCKING HIM? ARE YOU AN IDIOT, YOU DON T EVEN KNOW HIM AND over and over and over and at the top of her bloody fucking lungs so that the entire Residence Hall comes out and sees this scene, which is Eric standing there, bare-ass naked with a condom on.  Eric DOES NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS BULLSHIT so rouses Joe and they take the walk of shame down to the RIPTA public bus stop to wait for a ride near to school. And they wait for forty-five minutes and the bus never comes. And they are hotheaded, Eric having been the victim of the ultimate cockblock and Joe seeing pink elephants so they see these newspaper cases that they sell papers out on the street for two quarters and can think of no better way to vent their frustration and anger than to destroy the bus stop. So they're in the midst of throwing the Providence Journal case through the fourth pane of glass and CRASH BOOM BANG oh shit the bus is here. The bus driver calls the cops, and Eric and Joe have to drunkenly book it out of there.  Through the woods.  And Joe steps in a four-inch deep pile of dog shit.  They finally catch a cab home, at a price of fifty bucks. They didn't get laid, and they're wanted by the police.  Ah, college.  
  While you're at Lowbrow go to the Tools menu and then hit "show related links."  Thats right my friends, there is none like it.  
  After returning to the planet following a particularly religious psychotic episode inspired by liquid LSD, I shared with a friend of mine the story of my journey through the entire wet length of his my digestive tract. "Inspired," I say, though I could have chosen other words. And it really wasn't so much a story as a description of an experience. It was told, not narrated. Though one word followed another, many of the things I had to describe in series had just as likely happened hours apart or simultaneously.  After returning to Australia, Stelarc, the performance artist sharing Japan with Chris Burden in the seventies, made a film of the interior of his own stomach, lungs, and colon.  Chris Burden, for what it's worth, was less into observing or revealing the experience as engineering it, pushing it out. He is famous for, among other things, allowing himself to be shot. In an interview with Royal Academy of Fine Arts in Stockholm, he describes (with some ironic detachment) the experience of seeing the smoke seeping from the hole in him arm as "shocking." He had only meant for the bullet to graze the arm and release a single drop of blood. Or so his story goes.  This is all pretty interesting to me. Back before I knew anything about any of these maniacs, I remember trying to imagine how far someone like them might go for the sake of experience or art. What would the last act be? Would we know it when we saw it? I was reading a lot of apocalyptic hogwash in various disguises. I saw an article in a magazine in London, for instance, that described simply a technique for anyone interested in scarifying themselves brutally in the safety of their own home. How to make a proper blade, how to apply ashes for permanent, healthy scars, etc.  It was only a matter of time, I imagined, before the world would read like a Warren Ellis comic and the aesthetic/restorative medical discipline of cosmetic surgery and the aesthetic/compulsive obsession of body play would merge and artists would lose interest in any media but the flesh itself, and not always their own. This fantasy had something to do with the situationist/Surrealist  fantasy that art could turn the status quo inside out with a single act of genius. I imagined an artist brilliant enough to defend murder/torture/self-mutilation/whatnot in the proper, noble context of art experience or social commentary. His works on flesh would be impossible to punish, and all hell would break loose.  In those days, everyone I hung out with was destroying themselves in some compulsive, unconscious way. I was interested in these artists because they were claiming their destruction, owning it, by turning it into art or decoration. Celebration, even. By imposing their own will on the form of the natural, destructive experience of walking the planet earth, they were subverting it. Taking some of God's power away from him, you might say. It's also around this time that I started smoking.  It's true that my imagination wasn't in the best place in those dark days of the dying twentieth century. It's a new era. I'm much better now, and I spend my time fantasizing about our new, networked condition. Now, I'm certain the last act will leave quite the opposite image from these doomsday fantasies. In fact, the last act will be nothing short of holy.  Picture, for instance, the assumption of the virgin Mary, who was (according to recent Catholic Dogma) mercifully taken up into the sky...body and sandals and all, vaporized into an idea. That's more like it. The perfect deliberate experience, the work of art to end all works of art, will be when we figure out how to live forever as data in God's imagination. Are you with me?        
  So yeah there is this loser and I tell him "you are an inept dweeb" "What?" he exasperatedly exclaimed. "You sir, are an inept dweeb." Quoteth I, thinking this would drive home the fucking point. He looks at me, a smirk slowly covering his dweeby face. "You mean apt dweeb, correct??"  Man that was funny, except everyone else in the room was also a buttfucking dickweed and thought he was right.  
  I masturbate 5 times a day. Big deal! The only one I'm hurting is my arm!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Saturday night, baked off our asses, composing choreography to the Steinman/Meatloaf rock opera "Bat Out of Hell".  1977?  Try 2001.  Let the good times roll...  
  The smoke alarm keeps fucking beeping and I have no clue how to make it stop.   I tried beating it, taking out the battery, testing it; yet nothing works.  I am about ready to just cut the damn wires and say the hell with fire safety.    As long as I don't light up a blunt in my room and fall asleep while smoking it, I think I'll be all right.   
  One night when my grandma was taking me and my brother home when we were kids, a gaggle of geese that lived nearby were blocking the road.  I told my grandma that I would take of it and hopped out of the car.  I ran toward the lead goose swinging my arms in a circle and yelling.  The goose just watched me approach and right when I got up close it clamped on to my wiener right through my shorts.  The pain was so intense I started screaming and swinging my arms toward its neck until it let go about five seconds later.  I walked back to the car humiliated.  My grandma asked what happened and I replied, "The goose bit my wiener."  My grandma started chuckling and was trying to hide it but she couldn't help herself.    My wiener was bright red for two days.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My sister's hands have such poor circulation that the tips can turn a funky shade of pink/purple. The cat has mistaken them for Tuna Treats (the cat snack) more than once and accidentally bit her.  From then on my sister's new nickname was Tuna Treat Fingers.  
  Nana to GF#1, during dinner in a restaurant with my family: "Do you know what you would look good in? A black negligee. No. Wait...a red one"  Stunned horror.  Nana to GF#2, same setting. N-"Do you want some of my tart?" GF-"No, thanks. I'm not big on desserts" N-"How about when you are on your period? Do you like them then?"  Stunned horror.   we used to tell my nana that dinner was an hour earlier than it actually was, cos she was notoriously late.  now we tell her dinner is an hour later than we actually get to the restaurant, so we can get banged-up enough on wine to deal with her.    
  2/21/03  I made out with a spectacularly huge breasted girl once, only to be completely devastated to see,  when she removed her bra, the tiniest nipples ever.  They were smaller than my vestigial dude's nipples.  Just two tiny raised dots lost on those vast, supernaturally perky breasts.  I'm not one of these psycho nipple pumper types, but come on! everything should at least be to scale.    
  I just read a lowbrow dissing corndogs. You fuckhead.  Meat on a stick is part of what makes this country great. ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after the abortion, I told my boyfriend there's always a chance I won't be able to get pregnant again. I asked him if he's sure he still wants to marry me, since he has this big idea of wanting a family and all. he said "yes, of course!" and I thought for a minute then added:  "well, we can always have a few cats, give them kids' names, dress them up in baby clothes, and go to sears for a family portrait. you can even have little photos of them in your wallet to show people!"   I'm sure he felt a lot better after I said that.  
  I read a lowbrow about someone wanting normal, non-freaky sex.  I have had normal, non-freaky sex with nice normal men my whole life and all I want is a hot guy and a hot girl to proposition me, take me home and do all the things that I think about when I masturbate.  
  everybody says that superheros don't exist. but i've found them ALL. who are they you ask? telemarketers. they find a way to get your number even when you're unlisted. they call you at work, and at 7 am AND pm ..  ok so maybe they aren't superheros .. maybe they're more in the stalker section .. but there's a pretty thin line between the two  
  Contemplating on my day today. I don't want to work, don't want to make phone calls, just not motivated today. Would rather spend my day looking for lonely women that want to give me their bodies...  
  I used to work at a McDonald's.  Not anymore, but thinking about the customers still pisses me off and it's been a few years.  What kills me is when I would be scheduled to work on a holiday.  Everyone is not at work except for the four of us trying hard to work when we'd rather be enjoying that day as well.  At one point, 20 (no shit, 20) people come in and want food...now.  As I'm trying to be nice and get eveyone what they want this shithead yells at me for not being fast enough.  I tell him that there are only 4 of us and we didn't expect this many people.  He tells me that we should have more workers.  That's when I lose it, throw a application at him and tell him we're hiring.  Trying to be smug he tells me he already has a job.  I ask him why he's not there.  So he tells me he's off that day because it's a holiday.  So I begin to bitch him out because why should he be allowed to not work and I have to be at work waiting on his fuckin ass.  What the hell makes him so special that he shouldn't have to work and I do, just in case he might feel a bit hungry?  He didn't have much to say after that.  Damn, I hate that place.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What is the appropriate thing to say to redeem yourself in front of your classmates if by chance you accidentally pronounce the word Gymnasium as gymnasism as if it were a disorder where you spent too much time in the gym or something? Not that this has ever happened to me, but should the situation arise I would like to be prepared so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  
  so im at this club, met this really hot,attractive girl, start dancing with her.  said girl and i proceed to dance the night away.  the dancing was the most erotic dance session ever.  just like in the movies where everybody else isn't really there, it's just the two of you.  so it's like that.  i ask when can i see you next, she says she's from outta state, but gives me her number and email address.  i have nationwide on my plan so no biggie, atleast i can talk to her right?  so after a few days i call and get her voicemail.  i wasnt prepared.  she had one of those nifty vm's that you can erase and re-record until your happy with your message.  I must have erased and re-recorded like 15 times.  I still remember exactly what it was I said.  I would post it but I respect the privacy these things demand.  She never called back.  It s been over 2 weeks.  I ran a search on her email address.  couldn't find anything. usually i can find something about anybody online given the right piece of starting evidence.  if she farted while she was online, i'd be able to find out about it.  Nothing.  So I figured it was a ghost account.  I have too much pride to call again.  I just don't know what type of person can deny me, or anybody the respect due them.  I just want to hear her voice again, is that to much to ask?  I've assured myself that I can't even be friends with someone of that caliber.  So in a farewell on my part to this chance encounter, I started signing that email address up for everything porn related on the net.  That account will be shut down by the time you read this.  The society in which we live, the things we do to each other, and for what...*falling to my knees*...why oh why?  i pose this to you fellow brower's...is it brow-esque' that I feel this way, or perhaps trying to find out anything about her online, or finally flooding an email box with unsolicited porn?  For, am I not a man?     
  "i found this ky jelly in your drawer", said my father shouldering his bible and taking aim.  
  While sitting at a stop light my attention was drawn to a lady walking right next to the car with a walker and keys in her right hand. Me and my cousin both talk about helping her and how we feel sorry for her. We were close to getting out and assisting her to what we thought was her destination her car, until the light changes to green and we slowly lurch forward. I'm still watching her as she walks up the steep hill walker still in hand to the liqour store. Must of been some damn fine booze.  
  i'm currently bleaching parts of my hair, using one of those hair cap thingies.  it occurred to me, it's impossible to look or feel cool with anything tied under your chin  
  the old lady stopped by the tall glass doors adjusting the strap of her bag on her arm.  i was in a hurry and opened a door and walked through holding it open and looking back at the lady, who scowled at me and muttered under her breath.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I fell off my mountain bike, and skidded a long way on the gravel path.  Ripped up my right forearm, shoulder, hip, and ankle.  Biked the 5km home.  I must have been in shock, because I still can't believe I made it.  Called a friend, had him come over to clean the wound.  With pure rubbing alcohol.  I said to him "No matter how much I scream, don't stop until it's clean."  When I finally decided to go to the hospital, I felt like I was dying from the pain.  There's a 4 hour wait to see a doctor.  After my x-rays, I spent about another 30 minutes waiting for the doctor.  The doc says "Its been too long to put in any stitches, so I'll just let the nurse clean it out and bandage it, and we'll give you some Tylenol 3.  You'll be alright."  In comes this really cute nurse.  Maybe 3 or 4 years older than me.  While she's cleaning the wound, she asks "Did you clean it at all?"  "Yeah, with rubbing alcohol.  I can't believe how much it hurt."  She replies with "Wow.  You could have just used water, you know."  In my delerious state, I didn't even notice that my dick was hanging out of the hospital gown while she cleaned my hip.  
  The moment I realized my band was lowbrow was when someone asked what kind of music we'd be playing.  The best answer I could come up with on the spot:  "Deathmetal SpongeBob"  
  why does it appear that guys seem to be drinking in you entire body structure with a prolonged stalker-type look only when wearing shorts or a skirt...what is so appealling about legs?        
  It's late. I've been out, doing things worthy of many lowbrow submissions.  I stumble into my bathroom, eyes half closed, red as cherries and mouth slack jawed and drooling. I reek of Molson Black Label.  FLASH  I flick the switch and on come the lights. I gasp as I spot my horrid visage in the mirror. My skin is yellower than a banana.  It appears that my liver has failed and the toxic agents in my body have begun to take over. It's about time, I suppose. I recollect the amount of smoking, toking, boozing and using I have done over the last six years, and sigh, coming to terms with the fact that I don't have much time left. It's only a matter of time before I go to bed and don't wake up at all.  Then, my pink eyes slide sluggishly over to the light switch, then arc up to the flourescent lights above me.  Oh. Nevermind.  
  A realy good one...  I speak english and french.Me and my glf went to her friend's wedding.A french wedding(cuse noboby in there speaks english)...and then when we saw the bride(my glf friend)comming in the church, the tape start to play "Love hurt" by NAZARETH...    Can you imagine me and my girlfriend trying not to laught!!!  P.S. They are divorce now!!!!!!  
  When I saw her standing in front of the Target I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met.  She looked at me and smiled.  Fate, I thought to myself, has brought me to this moment.  There is a girl I can love forever.  Right about that time she spit a great wad of fleghm onto the sidewalk.  Fate is a fickle mistress, I guess.  I no longer love her.  But I bet the fleghm is still there.  
  Why is it that in porn they always show close ups of the guy enjoying himself? I don't care about that. I'm there to see these three chicks go large on his cock. I don't care if he's having a good time or not.  If he's not, he's in the made a bad career move.  
  She called her mother's car "the shaggin' wagon."  I don't think her mother appreciated it.    
  when i eat a popsicle  the first thing I do is read the riddle on the exposed end of the stick then i think about it and when i'm done and finally see the lame answer on the other end i am always dissapointed.  but sometimes i come up with a better answer and that makes me happy ... to outsmart a riddle intended for a 6 year old.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ***************************************  How some come couples wear the same kind of clothes and often will share the same interests in black leather, body piercing, shaved heads, florescent hair die and tattoos?    Do they find each other because they are alike or do they mimic each other after they get together and buy matching Grateful Dead T-Shirts? Enquiring minds want to know.     - sulligo@yahoo.com   ***************************************   I am 19 years old. I have a blue mohawk, my septum and tongue pierced, and a tattoo on my back. My girlfriend has long purple hair, her tongue and lip peirced, and a variety of interesting tattoos. As such I guess we fit into your narrow-minded hick mindset and I can answer your question of how we meet each other rather easily...    Remember all the cool kids that didn't talk to you- we talked to each other instead.    - betterthanyou@life.com  ----------------------------------- that's a bit on the defensive i'm no hick, and i thought it was quite valid a statement/question it's like when people have dogs that kind of look like them or that new car commercial maybe ur just feeling a bit inadequate :-D  
  we went on dates to the mall and ate at Boston Market. At night I tried to suck the suburbs out of him. His blow-jobs were lousy.    
  Overheard at a mall: "Oh yea?  Well thanks you now I cry when I masterbate!" I don't wanna know anything else...  
  i used to tease her that i loved cheesecake more than her.  it was ok, because we were very in love.  after a year of dating we've broken up, so i guess i  did  love cheesecake more than her!  creamcheese-based desserts are just too irresistable...  
  i hold their small child  smiling and curious a life yet to be lived i know he will turn out to be an ignorant bigotted wifebeater just like his father and pray the father leaves her for some mindless piece of ass        
    Actual bathroom graffitti: "I slept with your mom" "You're drunk dad, go home"      
  Years back, when I was drinking way too much and way too often, I realised that I needed to change my drinking habits somewhat if I wanted to survive long enough to see my next birthday.   My drug of choice back then was vodka, but in order stay sober I just bought a shitload of redwine for the party I was going to attend. I had never really tried to get drunk on wine before, so I didn't know how much I could take or how fast you get drunk, I just figured it was sorta like beer and happily started emptying bottle after bottle.  A few hours and about two gallons worth of redwine later I black out, leaning against a wall, starring into the opposite wall for two hours straight. Someone comes over to me, gives me a little shake and asks.  "are you ok?"  Whereupon I turn to my right, gather my hair behind my neck (its amazing how well my drunken instincts work, even when I'm nearly dead from alcohol poizoning I still manage not to puke on my hair) and expel a kings ransom worth of redwine on the livingroom floor.  All I remember is someone shaking me, words that sounded threatening and a red pool infront of me, growing larger and larger. My only though:  "Damn, now someone's gone and slit my throat"  
  One time I got a fortune cookie that said, "You will order takeout."  It's sad when even fortune cookies are a type of advertisement.  
  So I walk into Dreese Lab this morning (I go through every day on my way to work). On the celing are the fire signals that flash (very brightly, I might add). Well, they were all flashing, as if the alarm was going off, but there was no sonic alarm.  Well, this was a bit strange, but I didn't think much of it, just figuring it to be a glitch.  I made the second turn into the long hall, and, coming from the janitor's closet (the door of which was slightly ajar and the lights were off), came two male voices:  "Hey, Bob? Is the building on fire?"  "Uh, I don't know yet. . ."  I had no idea how to take that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My roommate was asleep, and we really wanted to get laid. He grabbed the duct tape. We went into the study room and he taped my wrists together, and called me names while I sucked his dick. When I feigned reluctance, he took his belt off, bent me over the table, and started hitting me with it. "Doesn't hurt," I mocked. He yanked my pants down and started spanking me.  You could hear the belt crack up and down the hall. If he hadn't been shorter than me, it would have been in the top five sex experiences of all time. ~puck~   
  The night I got my OWI, i had 8 of my friends in the car. 2 of the girls were going to make out but only if my friends Kevin and Nate did it first. So, they took one for the team and made out for about a minute straight. Right as the girls were getting ready to do their thing, Red Lights came flashing. The 2 girls never made out and I still have the image of my friends tounges wrapped around each other and the 4 state patroll cars shortly after hammered into my mind. If that wasn't a lowbrow moment, I don't know what is.   
  Dumb ass things I've heard people say to me on the phone at work(I work for the WWF Shopzone) --------------------------------------- Customer-How long is Triple H gonna be out for?  Me-About 6 months.  Customer-How long is that I'm not good with months? --------------------------------------- Customer-How much are your wallets?  Me-They are 10 dollars each.  Customer-How many for two?    
  TWO months ago I remember counting my condoms, making sure I had plenty in stock so I didn't have to worry about buying them for a while.    There were 26.    Tonight I used the last one.  
  no matter how much you squirt no matter how much you jerk there is a 99% chance the last drop will be on your pants  
  I wish i had the power to make small things explode using only my mind.  Like mosquitoes and stuff.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first job was at a British Food Factory pressing meat pie shells while facing a wall for 4 hours a day, being drilled in the skull with country music, and making a dollar less an hour than minumum wage (how the hell that happened, I don't know).   But it was all worth it on Wednesdays and Fridays, when a skinny, pimply-faced Scot came in and made Haggis in giant rubbermaid tubs, not more than 4 feet from my nose.   Ever smell Haggis?   Grains and sheep guts boiled in sheep stomachs? After about three weeks, my arm started to hurt and I told the boss I was going home. He said, "Oh really?  Sorry to hear that, I guess I'll see you Monday then?" "Ah no, you won't" I said.   
  Lying in bed with my girlfriend.   She rolls over.   A mysterious sound reverberates up from beneath the covers.   Her: It's not what you think!  Whatever it was, it was a good one.  
  "Oh, well we can just keep getting drunk and fooling around in the bushes forever -as far as I'm concerned. That's  fine with me ." That was a couple days ago and I don't know yet if she was serious, or if it was Pissedoffsarcasmese for "shit or get off the pot."   
  I can get my dog to grab and run away with anything by pointing at it and saying "gimme that sock!"  
  9 months ago a wealthy 17 year old was killed when he slammed his car into a tree on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles.  The tree has since become a memorial for the boys life and every week it is redecorated with new flowers and candles and pictures.  I had always wondered who did that., untill lastnight when i drove by and the family's maid was doing it.  That was quite upsetting.  Only in LA kids only in LA  
  Once had my right ring finger broken by a young woman in a particular interesting way, which I will leave to your imagination.  One month latter her identicle twin sister re-broke it in the same manner.  Did not get a cast either time.  
  my ideal lover, would be a girl who would slap me really hard across the face, mid coitus, to buy us another few seconds. any takers?  
  As I stepped up to the urinal in the pizza joint restroom  drunk and happy a little voice in the stall next to me says "Hey guy".  I always hate when strangers talk to me in restrooms so I don't answer.   "Hey guy, can you tell them to bring me some toilet paper?" the kid says.  I still don't answer  I start to walk out  "Hey gu.."  I thought he would be fine once he realized he could use the back up wipe plan..which is ofcourse the paper towels. So I figure no harm done as I stumble into my friends car. On the way home I realized they had air dryers.  Poor kid  I gave myself bad karma on that one   
  there was this tall, skinny girl in my high school french class. she transferred in during the middle of the year and took the empty seat in front of mine. she seemed nice enough but there was something distant about her.  one day in class her head starts drooping and rolling to and fro. i start to say something to her when she falls from her chair and starts to have a seizure.  she's inbetween the rows of chairs, kicking and flopping. i remember the sounds of chairs being slid out of her way, making room for her thrashing arms and legs. the teacher rushed forward, placing his body next to her head and after a minute or two the seizure passed... she wiped away the drool and with the help of a few students walked to the nurse's office.  after that day i tried to be friendly to her, make her know that there was nothing to be embarassed about. a jokester by nature i noticed one day she was dressed in all-black. i figured, since her french wasn't bad and that she had this damaged-arty air about her she was going goth or something, so i popped off "hey, who died?"  she sat there for a moment and then burst into tears, running for the room. i only found out later that a friend of hers had killed themselves the day before...   whoops.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            There's a really bad one-liner I sometimes toss out when there's a lull in the conversation: "So anyway, I said to my one-legged wife, I said, 'Peg...'"    I'm at a party where I don't know too many of the people, and there's that aforementioned lull, so I toss out the Peg joke.  Dead silence from everyone.  It turns out that one of the guys there, who is completely beloved by all in attendance, also has an artificial leg.  I slink away into the night, feeling 1/2 an inch tall.  
  cooking spaghetti-o's in half a gatorade bottle in the microwave because you have no bowls or mugs, only paper plates, and you've lived in your apartment for a month. Not because you're poor, but that you're just too lazy to buy kitchenware.  The fact that you had a can opener is the only because its attached to your bottle opener. Otherwise you would starve.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my best friends was a Net friend who lived almost 1500 miles away from me, and after about two and a half years of chatting and snail-mail...we exchanged phone numbers.  Nervous as Hell, I pick up the phone one day to call him...who I rate tremendously.  His brother picks up.  He's not home.  Okay...  I call back an hour later.  His father picks up.  "Hi, is Brady there?"   "Yes"   "Well, could I talk to him?"   "Yes."   A minute later...  "Well...could you go get him please?"   "This is him."   "Oh...oh, oh hey, it's you!  I thought you were your father"   "Yeah, it's me.  Who the Hell is this?"   "It's Melissa."   "Oh...hey.  Why'd you think I was my dad?"   He never let me live that down, either.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to go out on Thursdays and Saturdays. Always to the hottest dance clubs that Broome County could offer. There was this beautiful, slender redhead that would dance by herself for hours. For years I would see her in blue jeans and some variation of a blue and white striped shirt. She would turn down every man that asked her out to the dance floor. I never even tried.  Six years after I left for a better job in a bigger town, I returned to visit an old flame. On Thursday we went out to the current hot spot. There was the redhead, dancing by herself next to the dance floor wearing jeans and a blue and white top.  I looked at her and smiled, some things never change. She looked at me and . . . I could not read the look on her face but something was happening in her head at that moment.   Saturday me and the flame went out again. There was the redhead: new haircut, short black dress, on the dance floor. She would not make eye contact with me.  I cannot be certain, but I feel that seeing me after all that time triggered something in her. I wish I knew the whole story, but, of course, I never will.   
  Why did you stay up late watching TV when you knew you should be sleeping?   Sometimes I think it's because I might miss a good Gilligan's Island rerun.  You know, with the Globetrotters.     
     My boyfriend and I drove to Hollywood to see Less Than Jake.  We got a hotel room along the way and stopped to drop off our bags/use the bathroom/freshen up, etc.  I had noticed that he had a bit of gunk in his ear while driving, so I pulled out a Q-Tip and asked him to get it out.  He immediately gets really nervous and is literally wringing his hands in front of his chest and sweating.  I asked him what his problem is and he relayed that a doctor made him bleed heavily while doing this when he was a child.  I told him not to worry and said I would do it.       Apparently, this little phobia of his prevented him from cleaning his ears very thoroughly.  He was sweaty and nervous, and I was grossed out and gagging, because I could have constructed a fucking candle with what came out of his ears.  He was extremely embarassed and promised it would never happen again.  He made up for it with the best night of our dating career to date.      We decided that, although we have yet to pass the "imagine seeing the person you love taking a big, smelly dump" test, we passed the earwax test, and that has got to be love that's true.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         [joining a rant about rainy SF weather in progress]  "...I dont even own a fucking umbrella, all I have is my big floppy leather hat.  But I dont even have that because I wore it to Jamie's the other day and left without it because I seem to have my head up my ass".  My friend Linda mused, "well, you don't really need it, because in this case, your ass would be like a hat".          
  Diner. Corner booth. Sunday, 9PM.  "But if I clench my ass muscles, I'll spray shit all over the seat."  "What? How did you manage to fuck up potty training? Did you not pay attention? Why did it never occur to you that humans have more control than that over their rectums; that you can actually clench your ass muscles sometimes without involuntarily spraying shit everywhere?"  "Because I'm awesome."  
  I was on an airplane the other day and the woman beside me was reading a copy of "US" magazine.  Michelle Pfeiffer, Brad Pitt, Leonardo Di Caprio and Bruce Willis were all on the cover.  And I thought, why do they call it "US" and not "THEM"?  Who does this housewife from Nebraska think she's fooling?  
  I can't pry him off the computer with a crowbar, even if I fell down the stairs, broke both legs, and ruptured all the blood vessels in my eyeballs... but let them show a rerun of "Buffy" and he's up like a shot.  Perhaps if I began to carry around a bit of pointed wood.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was having dinner in a classy restaurant. There was me, one of my friends and 10 girls celebrating a birthday party. How we got there is another story  I decided I needed a crap and went off to the lavs. I learned that no matter how classy a place is they still run out of shit roll. It wasn't a clean break so I couldn't take my chances of pulling up my trousers. So with them still round my ankles I waited for a quiet moment and shuffled to the adjacent cubicle. Would you believe it, no roll either. Now I was going commando so I didn't have any underpants to us. In a flash of inspiration I whipped off a sock and used that.  Later on one of the girls said "How come you only have one sock on".  Quick as a flash "Good luck, I'm a bit superstitious"  
  The front of my shirt had come untucked, and no amount of poking or shoving downwards would get it seated comfortably into its proper position, so I unzipped my fly, reached in my whole hand, and tugged it back into place. That's when the elevator doors opened.  
  sitting on the patio at 6:30, i ask my girlfriend what she wants for dinner, because i'm getting hungry.  she gives me a devious look and her eyes briefly flash from my face to my crotch.  I start to laugh and she says "that was lowbrow." so i walked into the living room and typed it  ...  lowbrow: not just a website, its a lifestyle.  
  3 days ago i was drinking ice water and sneezed as i took a sip, there was a little snot floating in it so i set the glass down.    I just got really thirsty so i spent 5 minutes trying to angle the cup so i wouldnt drink the snot  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I liked her so much that I went to her Mormon semminary classes to get to know her. What's the lowbrow? I'm Jewish.  
  don't drink vinegar. i'd read before that drinking vinegar would help you lose weight.  feeling fat, i decided to just take a shot.  i figured it wouldn't be too bad -- i've shot everclear, how bad could vinegar *really* be?  oh buddy.  it's bad.  ever tried to puke in your sink, just because you couldn't turn around and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom for fear you'd puke every step of the way?  sad thing is, i physically dont know how to puke, so i ran to the bathroom, blew my nose, and spat for 5 minutes. i don't feel any thinner.  
  Not technically mine, but whatever. Picture a South African tumbler/balancer kinda dude standing atop a pole in Hunter Square in Edinburgh during the festival. Surrounded by many Americans - in fact, his pole is supported by four American tourists drawn from the audience. And it's quite an audience too. So for part of his act, he's going to stand on this pole and juggle firesticks. So he lights one, tucks the others under his arm, holds one in the air and says 'Hey, I'm the Statue of Liberty'. Cue applause and whoops from the US contingent. They're eating out of his hand. He mentioned the Statue of Liberty - they love him. So, to crown this great visual joke (and remember, he's standing on a tall pole, kinda long and thin) - 'Don't worry, I won't do the World Trade Centre.' Cue tumbleweed.  
  when I was in second grade i thought it would be really cool to make a circle in my hair with a hole puncher.  it didn't quite work out for me.  
  who says you can't lie to yourself? I do it all the time. like yesterday, when I looked back on what we had and realized it was all FAKE, that he couldn't have felt that way about me and still DO that.. well, everyone seems to know that's a big lie except for me. when I see him he's so friendly it's hard to stay mad. except in the back of my mind, I think, "ah, lying bastard."    we all know he's not a lying bastard. but I like to think it anyway.      
  Ladies...here's a little fact that might help you out in your relationships...  Men fart. Accept it. Sure, it stinks like hell when we do, and most of the time we wont do it in front of you until after we are married, but that doesnt change who we are - we are still the same lovable oafs that you decided to hook up with for one reason or another.   It doesnt mean we are bad people, or that we dont love you anymore. We just dont see the point of being doubled over in pain any longer. This is just part of the "worse" part you agreed to when you married us.   
  my roommate sophomore year was a chronic masturbator.  i never suspected until she confessed the next year, because she was this short, plump, virginal, anal-retentive, prim and proper goody goody whom no one would ever suspect. however, junior year she came clean about all the times she skipped class to go home to take care of business, and one instance when i'd innocently asked from the top bunk, "why is the bed shaking," to hear her say, "i just scratched my leg."  but no, she'd been trying to masturbate while i was in the top bunk!!!! last week my other friend and i were laying out, in graphic detail, a fantasy we both have involving two men we know.  in the fantasy, they are in prison, and one of them starts to jerk off.  as i was describing the scene, i mentioned that he would of course get out of the bunk bed to masturbate, so as not to sketch out his roommate.  it took us a few minutes to realize that this (albeit imaginary) hardened convict had a certain sense of decency that my roommate hadn't found worthwhile.  
  I found this website:  http://www.cafeshops.com/UnknownHeroWear They're selling a thong that says, "It's over between us." What a perfect way to both break up with someone and screw with their head at the same time. I'd hate to be the guy pulling off that girl's pants.  Now THAT'S lowbrow.  
    I was in the shower with my ex-girlfriend nicole when I started pissing on her leg.She looked down and started slapping me telling me how gross it was.    I looked her deep in her eyes and told her "But I love you" and started pissing again trying not to laugh.    She saw it again and jumped back saying "SERIOUSLY thats gross"     I broke up with her a few years later and till this day, still miss pissing on her.  
  Used to play in a band. One nite I took some speed - after the gig girl blew me in the car in the parking lot. something about speed I didn't know - screws with your ability to come. After like half hour I let her stop - felt bad for wasting her time.  
  The old lady sitting next to us looked at us strangely as my friend and I began head-banging during Handel's Messiah.   But she didn't really look concerned until we held up our lighters during the Hallelujah Chorus.  What can I say? We like classical music.   
   StepDaughter: Denser Than Dense  O.K. This time I'm  really  pissed. In seven years, I don't think  anything  from me has penetrated her foggy brain. I storm downstairs. Her door is closed, of course, and music is pouring out, of course. I raise my hand to knock...  I have made a big decision I'm gonna try to nullify my life 'Cause when the blood begins to flow When it shoots up the dropper's neck When I'm closing in on death And you can't help me not, all you guys And all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk You can all go take a walk And I guess that I just don't know And I guess that I just don't know  And segue into Maureen Tucker's insane drumming, and John Cale's fingernails-on-the-blackboard viola sawing. I reconsider. Obviously  something  got through, over the last seven years...  
   Commercial: "I dare you to call your doctor and ask about diflucan"  Iv'e been dared to do some pretty weird things and some of them were pretty intimidating, but calling my doc for medication for a yeast infection? I thought dares were supposed to be about things that were scary or embarrasing at the very least. If it's that scary to ask your doctor for medication to make you feel better, maybe you should change doctors.  I dare the writers of that commercial to come up with some better material!  So there!  
  "......Lowbrowcom is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Lowbrowcom is right for you. Lowbrowcom should not be taken if you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant. Side effects may include headache and lack of productivity.   Lowbrowcom... our glasses are all empty."    - maurice-zodiacs@excite.com   I recently read this here.  Our glasses aren't half empty that would make us pessimists. We here are realists!!!  Our glasses just need more beer.  
  My roommate came rushing in the room looking for something to wash his pills down with, so I, being a helpful friend, grabbed the first thing I saw, which happened to be a bottle of peach juice that was sitting out , and gave it to him.  I think the fact that it was a peach flavored drink that played the biggest part in the deception.   He discovered that he had just swallowed urine and proceeded to throw up everywhere.  Don't tell Travis, but I totally knew what i was doing when i handed it to him.  
  A piece of advice: Make sure you meet a guy's immediate family before you start talking in line at the groceries store about what a great lay he is, because the woman behind you could be his mom.  True story.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was sitting on the tube, and we were pulling into the Baker Street station.  In front of me were two american backpacking summer-vacationing world-exploring college-attending girls.  One girl looked to the next.  "Look, Charles Dickens."  The other one nods her head and says "oooh."  Moments later, "Isn't it Sherlock Holmes?"  Saving face the first girl says, "Yeah.  Dickens wrote Sherlock Holmes."  Second girl says "Oh right, I forgot" and returns to her copy of  "Lets Go! Europe".  My laughter causes me to miss my stop.  
  the question  " You know you've been smoking too much pot when....."  me: When you fear being drafted into the eternal war between the hawaiians and the eskimos.  him: ......what the hell does that mean?  me: if you don't know than you have obviously never smoked too much pot.  
  My grandson asked me where he came from. I proceeded to explain the facts of life.  He seemed puzzled, I asked why? He replied, "Well, gee, Tommy, in my class came from Pittsburgh!!"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was dropping my friend off at his house, and had just passed someone when all of a sudden my car started to lose its guts.   hm... what could be wrong? oh. shit.   no gas.   so we turned it around, and started pushing it back to the gas station / intersection less than a mile or so away.  eventually we got it going pretty good on the slight downhill slope, and i jumped in the driver's side, exhausted.   it kept going all the way to the stop light, and then i jumped out to push it to the intersection. it was really hard... then i noticed that my friend wasn't helping. my friend had disappeared somewhere in the confusion.  so i had to push my car to the gas station, and the pumps are all on a slight (visually undetectable) hill, but it was quite strenuous doing it alone.   people stared. i sweated copiously.   halfway through filling up the tank my friend ran across the intersection to me, and i asked what happened.   i guess he didn't catch up to the car when i jumped in... oops.   but i will NEVER forget to look at my tank-meter again.  
  Can you say the same thing about head that is said about sex?   You know, it's like pizza, even when it's bad it's good.   I'm not sure. This came to me while getting the skin scraped off my crank by her teeth in my kitchen.  I've never had pizza that hurt three days later.  
  Some Einstein at work figured that to reduce the smell of cigarette smoke in a company car, he would throw a urinal cake into the back.  You know, to perfume it.  He totally disgregarded the associative smell situation.  Perfumed toilet paper, for example, may not smell unpleasant to those unfamiliar with it, but to me it smells exactly like a toilet.  Urinal cakes also smell sort of perfumed and antiseptic, but they've come to be unfailingly associated with the stink of a urinal.   Add that to the cigarette stink, and getting into that car became like visiting a pub toilet.     
  You know how in old school movies there were scenes when people would say, "Gosh darn, that's funny," and then slap themselves on the thigh with laughter?  Well, One time I slapped myself on the thigh with laughter, except I missed and made my right nut cry.    Never expect to look manly in front of a girl after you make yourself tear.  
  I have a sticker on my truck that is a picture of a cartoon monkey. It says "I fling poo". Thats the funniest thing I have ever seen.  
  me: math isn't so bad.  math was lewis carrol's favorite thing.    my mom: yeah.  did you know he was a pedophile?    me: ok, so math was lewis carrol's second favorite thing....  
  I was at work washing dishes today, and a tray made it through the machine twice without shedding it's mustard spot.  As I was taking it to be scrubbed I found myself thinking, "Who ever thought mustard could be so tough?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Brenda Part 1  Only one seat left at the bar, so I am forced to sit next to a vivacious blonde.   Believe it or not, I'm not really into large-breasted bombshells, but she starts the conversation, so my automatic flirt-instinct kicks in.  she's really friendly, but wary and suspicious.  Then Jimmy comes in. Jimmy is the town serial fondler. He's completely harmless, but she doesn't know that.  When he fondles her arm and mumbles something barely coherent, she lunges toward me, either genuinely worried or doing some glorious flirting.  Me: "That's just Jimmy. He's the town serial fondler. He's completely harmless."  But then I continue: "He and I run a double act -- I spot the pretty ones and he drives them into my arms."  She: "You shouldn't have told me that -- I thought you were being really noble."  
  Have you ever noticed the fads these spammers go through? Recently (July, 2003) it seems to be the whole "steal the wife away from a husband who was treating her bad." Even though I am a teenager, I don't understand these. If the husband is neglecting these horny wives, maybe theres a reason shes sending these emails out? Or if you yourself are a husband with a wife nagging at you all the time, why would you want ANOTHER one? Just a thought.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yeah, she said, they were bulimic together.  she taught him how to throw up.  at least they could bond over something, was all i could say.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at a bar with a group of guys I know and one of them blurted out, "You're too tall to be feminine."  This really hurt my feelings, so I reasserted my feminity by punching him in the stomach.  I figure, if I were any less feminine, they would have kicked me out of the bar for fighting.  
  I went to the store to pick up some eggs for my friend. She wasn't feeling well and was planning to make cookies for the work halloween "party."  When I got to the counter, they asked to see some ID, to which I replied "Is there some new additive in these eggs that gets one stoned?"   They said no, but still needed to see some ID. (I realized it was the night before Halloween, and they refused to sell anone under the age of 18 eggs or shaving cream.)   I had left mine at my friend's, a few blocks away. I decided to just get two pre made cookie dough tubes than run all the way back for my wallet. (Money in bra. Girls have that extra hiding spot..lol)   Then, as an afterthought, I got another one.   Later, after it was closed, I smeared the extra tube of cookie dough all over the store windows.   I had not been planning to pull any pre Halloween pranks, but they forced me to.   They begged me to.   The cookie dough bandit strikes again.    
  Me, my girlfriend (at the time), and some friends were all at the movies. We had bought the drinks there, but snuck food in. Taco Bell, to be exact. So as we're enjoying the movie, and my taco, My girlfriend had bent over to drink from the soda which happened to be tucked between my legs.  Me, Enjoying my taco and the movie, did not notice untill I heard some stiffled laughter from behind us and she shot up straight and looked at me. That was a good movie.   
  you know society is on its way out, and technology has taken over our sad little lives when those valentine conversation hearts say "fax me" on them.  
  i was at work when a coworker let the most putrid fart i've ever smelt, i was gagging for the next ten minutes. it was indescribable. when you watch those war films, and they talk about the smell of hundreds of burning bodies being the most intense smell one can can experience, i feel i can relate.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He tried to get me off for like an hour straight.  I was really REALLY high, so it just wasn't happening.  So in my high state, I blurt out, "I could probably do that myself in 2 minutes."  Immediately I could tell he felt extremely inadequate...then he stopped.  I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut high.  
  I kidnapped her cat to see if she would freak. Every day for a week I'm calling her, "Hi, how are things? yadda yadda" and no mention of precious little Bootsie gone missing. Finally one day I'm on the phone with her and I hear a meow and ask and she says "Oh, just Boots wanting out." So who is this fucking furball who's been clawing up my place and leaving hair everywhere? Damn. I dropped it off behind the Korean restaurant.   
  scott came from a small mountain town and seeing big cities really freaked him out. some friends took him to richmond and he looked pretty scared. ken asked if he was ok and scott said "man if my mom was here i'd ask her to hold my hand" scott is 21 years old  
  I stopped off at the post office to send a fast package and the clerk and I were interrupted by noise. We looked toward a patron noisily taping up a box. The patron had a Mexican hat on his long hair and his shirtless chest was covered by a serape. His features were completely Anglo.  The clerk, looking at the patron said, "Pungent; that's a good word, don't you think? He's very intelligent, though.   
  don't ever masturbate in a shower. i know from experience.  #1 noises can be heard over the water, especially if people are in the bathroom with you brushing their teeth and you didn't know it. #2 nuff said.  
  nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women.  
  I downloaded a free pop-up blocker. imagine how pissed off i was when i found out a window pops up saying that it just blocked a pop-up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it's true what they say.  a good, hard, early-morning fucking really is a damn fine hangover cure.  
  when i was younger, my pops was a professional skydiver, and always had a cessna or some other single engine plane. once, when i was a teenager, i had a huge fucking zit on my forehead. the higher up we got, the less air pressure there was, of course. at 15,000 feet the fucker burst and splattered the windshield. it feels really fucking wierd to have a zit pop with no assistance from yourself.  
  In a parking lot, a sad-eyed lady approaches me:  "Excuse me, sir, but I wonder if you could help me out?  "My father has diabetes, and I have to get him back to Pennsylvania, but we got a flat.  "I need about $6 for one of those inflate-a-flat..."  I reach behind the seat and hand her a can of Inflate-A-Flat.  She's pissed, but tries to hide it.  She says: "Oh, yeah, that's what I need..."  I say: "It's really weird that this would happen to you twice in a month"  Only then does she recognise me ...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         working in the studio and simultainiously talking to my girl on instant messenger  she's being evil and telling me dirty things  really dirty things  i tell her i need to get some work done and sign off and then decide i want to go have a smoke  while exiting the room i remember that it is possible to view and use everything on that computer form a number of other computers in the facilities and ponder if anyone was possibly watching  while walking down the hall someone shoots me a giant grin  i wonder if he knew  
  Halloween--------2000  In a large St. Bernard costume. Im sitting on a couch in my friend's house. Im sitting there admiring the scenery (Im still an 18 year old virgin, fresh out of mommy and daddy's sheltered hell). So my friend has a friend, a gothic friend. She's very attractive and has a tendency to get naked with very little alcohol present.   She takes off the vinyl jumper she's wearing to reveal her two pierced breasts and ruffle panties. Her breast are covered in an orange fishnet shirt.  She quickly removes that at my friends request (friend is a female) Said friend then prods goth chick to sit on my lap. OH GOD!  Before I know it, I'm forced to touch the breasts. Then a little friendly persuassion and Im sticking my tongue on the piercings. All of a sudden there is a camara flash.  I can see it now, Im running for political office in a couple of decades and a photo of my in a dog suit with a goth chich on my lap and my tongue on her pierced nipple surfaces.  I can only imagine the headlines.  
  There's this guy where I work, nice guy, but sort of slow.  He can't really figure out how to use the cash register and always ends up with a couple bucks extra on the tape that isn't in the drawer.  The difference every two weeks usually comes out to about $40.  They take it out of his paycheck.  He's a friend of mine and I know that the only reason he keeps messing up is because he's not all there, mentally, poor old man.  But I don't help him and I don't explain it to management because I know that if they ever fire him I'll get all his hours.  
  The phone in our theater building keeps wringing every day.  I was finally getting sick of this so I answer the phone and bitch out the guy at the other end.  I was thinking to myself "Why would some retard call a payphone in a shitty theater building"  I get back to my group of friends sitting in the side lobby.  Nick comes up to me and says, "That's the only way anyone can get in touch with the janitor"  
  If you use a pocketknife to dig a hole in a superball, then insert a firecracker, then light the firecracker...those little bits of high-speed rubber will raise small red welts on your face.   Fucking-A dude great idea, but throw the damn ball BEFORE it blows up....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's 8:45 on Monday at work.  I'm going to leave my desk now and brew some strong coffee to go with the Hash cookies I've brought to work. I'll be stoned by my fisrt beak.  
  I few years ago I was at Warped Tour watching NOFX play. In the middle of their set these two girls were running around being idiots and cussing at everyone no where near the pit. Then everyone kinda backs off to give them space and they start their own pit, just the two of them. Then out of no where, one of them just squats and pees right there.   Later on that day my cousin by this comp called Short Music for Short People. The NOFX song on it is called "See Her Pee." A we're thinking..."oh, we SAW her pee."  
  In the theater, at a showing of 'Chicago',  stoned off his ass, sits my friend and his girlfriend of 5+ years.  During a scene where two hot chicks start having lesbian sex, my friend stands up, starts clapping slowly, and says 'Aww Hell Yeah !!  That's what I'm talking about !'   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Right.  So there's a new addition to the "Never ever ever tell your mom" list, added in retrospect, as usual.  I thought she'd be a little more modern about it, really.  
  i put my dick in a pvc pipe once and got a hardon.  then my dick was too big to pull out and i was too young to lose an erection for a while.  I locked the door and watched mcgyver with a four foot long fallus.  
  this is unlike me colon intensive resocialization dash with a dash of depersonalization dash i don't know what autovivication means but it has something to do with what i get paid for comma but my dbd-mysql drivers still won't compile correctly and i'm feeling guilty because i found that windows odbc works better begin parenthesis it works at all comma actually end parenthesis and now i feel lousy sarcastic radioheadish colon i'd be pretentious and arty if i weren't the plagiarist waiting for a call dash which phone will it be question mark the green glass brings a smile and a bit of hope period this is unlike me  
  I was told by my peers I was the fastest and greatest coder they have ever seen.  I could code an IRC client within hours.  I could do almost anything...  So what did I do yesterday?  I coded a girlfriend.  Her name is Betsy.    Shut the fuck up.  All of you, she gives me good head.     
  So I'm out in Palmdale, California job hunting.  Me and my friend who I was walking with had just went by Best Buy and bought a microphone so that I could go on TeamSpeak.  We crossed the street and went back over to the bus stop where we had been dropped off at.  We noticed some people waiting on another bench across the street obviously waiting for a bus.    We were supposed to catch bus route 1 and we had to catch this bus or else we were stuck there since it was the last run of the day.  I had lost some weight recently and hadn't had a job to buy new, fitting clothes for my new body, so I just wore these pants that zipped up in the back.    As we set there, we noticed this bus parking in front of the bench on the opposite side of the road, and we just happened to catch a glance at the route number.  It was route 1.  We both jumped up and ran to the walk-across and pushed the button.  There wasn't any moving traffic that we could see so since we didn't have time to wait for the "walk" sign to come on, we took off running across the street.    Now, I have to hold my pants up, but Tony, the guy I was job hunting with, didn't hear me when I was asking him to hold some of the stuff I had in my hands so that I could hold my pants up while I ran.  Suddenly, I feel my pants drop down a bit.  I wasn't in a hole yet, I had on a long shirt that was covering my panties thus far.  But then, I feel them drop down a bit further, then more, and more, until they were around my ankles when I finally made it across.  It was a Friday, at 3:00 PM, and broad daylight.    You wouldn't believe how many honks I got and how many people I had hollaring.  I finally got Tony's attention and he turned to face me and about fell out laughing.  The most horrible thing, though, was that because I still had the stuff in my hands when I crossed I didn't have enough time to pick my pants up.  I swear, I cried it was so embarrassing.   :o  
  I now work for washington mutual finance company, answering customer calls.  These bastards scary.  They usually chargs around 25%percent interest.  Most of the people who get loans or credit cards from them are in serious need of financial aid.  They try to skip out a lot, or to disappear.  To find them, you're trained to call around the references (personal and work) that they left, sounding like a friend who's looking for them.  If you know where they are, you're trained to scare the SHIT out of them.  You talk about car or house repossession, destroying their credit history, ect ect ect...  You're supposed to yell at them.  You're supposed to not stop yelling until they hang up in utter fear or humiliation or anger, but preferably all of them.  Guess what they call this?  "Providing incentive to the customer."  When they explained this in training class, i was the only one who cracked up.  Everybody else looked at me funny.  
  today while at the mall me and this other person were outside 1 of those pictue places. there was 1 of those magic eye things you know if you stare at them long enough you get a 3d picture. well after 5 minutes of staring the kid next to me drops to the floor and starts violently convulsing, flaling his limbs about (apparently having a seizure) and the only thing i can think of is "man, he is a REALLY good breakdancer"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Tales Of San Francisco Muni: ------------------------------------ Riding the bus. Dirty old man hops on the bus. Walks toward the back. Pisses on a seat. Jumps off the bus and runs from two angry commuters who got hit by splashback.   Riding the bus. Cheap ass jumps in the back door. Undercover cop busts him. $75 Violation Ticket. Damn thats one expensive bus ride.   Riding the bus. We hit a pidgeon in mid flight. Yep.   Riding the bus. Teenager reaches into nearby kid's backpack and "liberates" his wallet. Kid accidentally elbows the teen in the groin. Instant Karma Rocks.   Riding the bus. Guy walks past my friend, casually steps over my friend's leg, which is in the aisle. He sits down. 5 minutes later, he begins to curse at us for my friend having his leg in the aisle, screaming, "YOU COULD HAVE MOVED YOUR FOOT. I'M A HUMAN BEING YOU KNOW." 3 words. What The Fuck?   Riding the bus. Bus stops at red light. Teens in Honda drive up next to the bus driver. They give the driver the finger. Driver opens window and spits a fat one on the Honda.   At the bus stop on a busy street (Geary) Teens are jabbering. One reaches over and pants's one of the others. Cars honk.  
  10 minutes.  "10 minutes, Gerardo... 10.", I told the guy sitting at the table next to me.   A few minutes before, I told my Chemistry teacher that I was going to the bathroom. I was sick all weekend, but never had the craps. It'd been building up all day long, though, and I thought it had come to a head. So I left, and the pressure seemed to have been relieved. I returned to class after roaming the halls for about 5 minutes.  When I got back, the pressure was there again. I paced around the classroom and luckily, no one noticed me. I tried, dammit, I tried. But it was damn near omnipotent. I told the teacher I needed to go to the bathroom again, and as I briskly walked down the hall towards the closest bathroom, I saw some guy come out of one, zipping his pants up. Great, here's a bathroom.  Right then, my sphincter failed me. My thighs were quickly coated with a thin brown liquid.   Go. Go. Go. 15 feet. 10 feet. 5 feet. OK, see if there's toilet paper. Fuck, some ass threw it into the piss-filled toilet.   I go to the trashcan, and there's some dried up toilet paper. I peel off the once-wet parts, wipe the toilet seat with them, and let go what I have left. Then I'm wiping up my thighs, wiping my balls, wiping my ass crack, wiping my boxers. Some guy comes in, luckily he doesn't go straight to the enclosed handicapped stall like I always do. Privacy isn't a big issue for him, I suppose. Either that, or he figures I'm more embarassed than him.  He leaves. The bell rings. I know people are going to be in here soon, so I move faster. Nothing's left in my ass. I check the back of my pants. Nope, doesn't seem as if anything is there. I forget about flushing the toilet and leave the toilet paper I found in the trashcan in a puddle of piss. To the guy in a similar situation but a few minutes too late: Hey man, someone fucked me before I was here, you may as well get fucked too. I can kinda smell myself, or maybe it's what I left behind. Whatever.  All the time, I'm imaging how I'm going to word this when I tell everyone on lowbrow about it.  I march to my Chemistry class. My friend isn't there, so I don't have to give him an explanation as to why I need to go home NOW instead of loitering after school. I get my things.  Now, a mental debate: do I get my Pre-Cal book or not? I decide I should, since there's nothing left in my ass, I won't come across my friend, and my pants are (hopefully) not stained. I get my book, and bail out to my aunt's van, hoping she can't smell me.   Luckily she doesn't mention anything, and she beats all the lights. Yes yes yes.   We get home, I take the piece of toilet paper I crammed in my ass to stop leakage out, and throw it away, and take off my boxers.   Then, I sit down, naked and filthy with some STDs probably on my ass from sitting on a public toilet, and I type this up on lowbrow.  Now tell me, which part was lowbrow the most? Crapping myself in the halls at school? Using... used but dried toilet paper? Sitting on a public toilet seat? Sticking said toilet paper in my ass cracks? Or telling you guys this before cleaning myself up?  
  Me and my friends had stayed in a mutual friends dorm at her university.  It was a small room, so the night spent there was cramped.  As we were leaving the next day, someone started playing Dueling Banjos on the stereo, so me and my two friends (being the idiots we are) started dancing and jumping around.  Then I grabbed my friend, and threw him over my shoulder and continued to jump around.  I guess he got scared that I was gonna drop him, his arms were flailing around, looking or something to grab onto for support. Guess he missed whatever his target was, but he swings his hand down, and grabs me square in the nuts...........then squeezes the hell out of em. So I screamed like a little girl and dropped him on his head. I think my actions were justified   
  Man, they don't call them stink bombs for nothing.        
  I dont know why, but something ALWAYS goes wrong when i use the computers at work.Either the system kicks me out, or the thing crashes, and it always takes forever to fix.  And I know the secretaries, despite their understanding smiles and words of encouragement, secretly hate me.        
  The morning after we first slept together, she watched me dressing.  She: "Oh, you have your underpants on inside out."  Me: "Yeah, I prefer these ones that way -- the label has scratchy edges."  She: "Wouldn't it be easier to just remove the label?"  Me, laughing: "Obviously not!"  
  watching the news the other day, some political figurehead guy comes on to talk about the heightened "code orange" business. he says:  "We have some general information and we have some specific information. As far as the specific information goes, we don't know where or when anything is gonna happen, or by what means."   that's not specific.  
  When I was in sixth grade, I would start each freezing dark winter morning by cleaning up a two-inch-deep pile of thick, copious dog puke.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was delivering some plans to a consultant the other day. The guys that were re-tiling the entryway of the building stopped me and said, "You're the prettiest thing to walk through here today."  I should have said, "I feel sorry for all the ladies you just inadvertantly insulted."  Instead, I thanked him and walked back to my car. I mean, it's a nice compliement and all... but not from a 60-year old, graying white dude and his 2 drooling mexican lackeys.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I switch the antennea ball on my car periodically between a Jack In The Box Head (A replacement head. The first got stolen.), an eyeball with red & orange vinyl flames that flutter at high speeds and the WalMart smily face dressed as Zorro. Even cars can benefit from a hip wardrobe.  
  globalization:  ...living in russia, eating french bread pizza, drinking german beer, watching a pirated french movie (dubbed into english)that i bought in the asian market...       
  As I reached for my wonderful ATM/credit card, she asked "Will that be all? No cigarettes? Lotto?"   I said, "Who, me? No. No thank you." The thought had never occured to me that I actually good purchase those things, given the proper vices.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I'm not addicted to: 1.e-cstasy 2.electronicmusic 3.einternet 4.efriends 5.emarijuana [canu?] 6.emany other things i don't remember about right now    
  I just got the new Real Player. One of the visualizations is a sheep that moves with the music.  What pisses me off is that the sheep is a better dancer than I am.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Everytime I do or say something extremely embarrassing I think of President John F. Kennedy who stood in front of the Berlin Wall and proclaimed to the entire world in an accident of miss-spoken German.  "I am a jelly donut."        
  I was sitting around watching The Simpsons at work (video store) when I hear my co-"worker" start to raise his voice. Turns out he's yelling at some old woman with a walker. And what does he say to her as she is scraping her way out of the store?: "Would you mind hurrying it up? You're getting in the way of my customers."  Oh how I did laugh.    
  I've been blessed with the last name of Orr. And rather than just give my children boring names like John or Fred. I'll be naming the two I have "Rox" and "Sux". (Roxor and Suxor) Rox will be the child born first, I'll treat him well, and spend big money on stuff for him. Sux, on the other hand, will get nothing. From the moment he exits the womb I will make his life one of severe pain and discomfort. I'll force him to sleep on a concrete floor of a night, and during the day me and Rox will put him in a bag and kick him, mini-me style. Then maybe we'll eat Italian cuisine in front of him while he gets force-fed dog food.  On his twelth birthday, if he lives that long, I'll no doubt be bored of the little runt, and call the police to inform them of the herion addiction I gave him at age 7 and the copious amounts of drugs and Japanese tentacle pedo rape porn he has under his bed. Meanwhile Rox will nominate me father of the year 2017.        
  It's bad when you take a crap in a public restroom and upon washing your hands, you watch someone walk into your previous stall, grunt in disgust, and choose another.  
  Once, I was waiting for a ride in front of a store in rural Vermont after a ten-day hiking trip.  I was there all day, and I would amuse myself by people-watching the wierdos who would go in.  This one guy came in a really old beater pickup.  He looked like some sort of horrible troglodyte.  His lip was sort of crooked and forced open, and his eyes were crossed.  He was REALLY, REALLY filthy and unkempt.  He walked into the store and came out a couple minutes later with a case of Budweiser.  As he walked back to his truck, I noticed that his pants were pulled down in the back to reveal his disgusting, pasty ass.  He either didn't notice or didn't care.  I wonder if he's still alive.  
  this stunning woman of about 40 came into our store today.  i could not tear my eyes off her bountiful  tits, hard nipples jutting out.  she didnt seem to mind though, and gave me a wink as she walked out. her not-so-hot friend turned and smiled knowingly.  i will get many miles outta that woman as i stare at my ceiling...          
  Sixth grade and I have an enormous crush on my teacher. I also happen to have the sinus cold from hell. The teacher is at the blackboard in the middle of a mathematics drill, when I feel the Mother Of All Sneezes coming on. I go running to the front of the classroom because that's where her desk is, and on her desk is the box of tissues. She looks at me and asks why I'm out of my seat. Before I can answer, the sneeze overwhelms me:  AHHHHH-CHOOO!!!!!!  SPLAT!!! A huge-assed lime green snot, the size of a quarter, splats the tile less than an inch from her foot. She gave me a look of revulsion that I will never forget. Fuck... I'm scarred for life.  
  I was driving on a distant mountain road in autumn, when the leaves were flush with the cool weather that chills cheeks and reddens noses.  I was driving, as I have in years past to find myself again along this lonesome dirt road.  Beams of sunlight cut bright lines through the air in the dust of my driving behind me, and even though it was October and a dirt road, I rolled down my windows and breathed deeply.  God.  Around the next bend, I noticed the dark gray of the road was spattered with the red clay mud that runs deep in the hills.  Around the next bend, I saw why.  Someone had erected a sign which read "Lone Oak Estates."    Indeed, there is nothing more lonely than a world than a single tree that looks down from the mountain on a world full of underdeveloped people in an overdeveloped setting.  The world needs another subdevelopment.      
  Watching "The Cat House" on HBO the other night and I wondered as I have done so many times in the past...  How much I would have made as a call girl while in my 20's, 30's and yes friends, in my 40's (my prime)...  Instead of following the straight line of a moral person ($55K per year).  
  The I've been dating for a little while went down on me in a way that so rocked my world that I literally could not stand up.  To thank him, I gave him a blow job so good that his mouth went numb.  Maybe it was just the weed.  
  3 am we finished peeing on all 4 trees in the back yard.  as we were zipping up, he chuckled and said "yep, that'll confuse the dogs when they wake up tomorrow morning!"  
   Land Of The Free, Home Of The...  From a report today about a sniper in Washington who took out five random people: "Police officers, working on a report that a white van had sped away from the scene of the fifth shooting, stopped dozens of white vans, pulled the drivers out and in some cases forced them onto the ground and handcuffed them. But by early afternoon, no suspects had been arrested." My white van is sitting in the driveway. It's not going anywhere for a few days...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Anal Boot - An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.  
  Jesus ruins lives.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walk into the kitchen to get some pie. Cut a nice quarter of the pie out and set it on the counter. My sister watching the whole time.  I get out the whip cream in a can and load the pie, then tilt my head back and fill my mouth. Satisfied I smile and look at my sister.  She remarks how she likes to do that too. "I like the air that comes out, it smells cool". I just stand there and look at her.   "Yeah they figured that out in the 80's when people tried to get high off of it. You have been huffing whip creme fumes."  She seemed shocked as I walked away to eat my pie.  
  So I made him wake up so he could have sex with me before I went to work.  Is this an imposition?  Sometimes I wonder.  Sleeping in, or sex.  Which is more precious?    
  I'm drunk, lonely and I have broadband.  An unhealthy combination to be sure.  
  I was so drunk I decided to sit down and talk with the guy who'd just asked me for change. He was a good conversationalist too... But every time he got near to making a point his eyes would glaze and he'd go all quiet.         
  I had been fucking him for a while.  You know the kind of guy.  The kind of guy that you know forever and you only call him up when you are horny and you need someone to make you sweat when you are in between boyfriends.  So here I was fucking him and in the middle of it I thought he doesnt make me sweat, he has never made me sweat.   I told him to get off of me because I had to make a phone call. (He was a 5 minute man.) So I turned over and asked him what David's number was.  He told me, shit, he even dialed it for me. There I was dialing his best friends number to set up a date for 2 hours later. When you want the job done, you have to use your resources. LOWBROW  
  Amsterdam (where else?) and James says he wants to take a shit before the shrooms kick in. he goes off to use the hostel toilets and we don't see him for a long time.  when he gets back he sees the toilet paper sitting on the mantelpiece and begins to moan like a bitch. we'd come up by that time and found it quite humorous.  he had had to use a towel to wipe his arse.  everybody refused to use the toilets after that.  
  At 15, I lost my virginity in a train.  Not the Amtrak kind.   The kind where some chick takes on several guys in a row. I was #2.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in 5th grade a girl told me that her parents couldn't hide anything from her. She took me into her 45 year old mom's closet. She reached into a shoe shelves, behind the shoes, and pulled out something I didn't recognize. Plastic, long, tube like. I took it and looked at it and wondered what the hell it was.  Two years later I realized what it had been. I looked at my hand. It was holding my lunch.   
  I'm sitting in the living room sucking on nitrous bulbs like there's no tomorrow, coming in and out of reality as each one wears off.  The soap opera on the teev sounds like the voice of God.  Housemate: "Mind if I have one?"  Me:  "Not likely.  I want to go through all three boxes non stop.  You want some, get your own.  The Super C's just around the corner."  Two bulbs later I know something's wrong.  I come back to reality long enough to realise I've thrown up the ice cream I had before starting all down my shirt.  Now that's Instant Karma.  
   Hudson River Tales - Ship Sense  Not everyone that worked on the river had "ship sense." We're driving up the channel in our 40' trawler doing 12 knots, and I'm standing at the stern chatting with one of the summer temps.  We're towing a 21' Boston Whaler behind us, and the temp suggests it might be too close, because it's really bouncing in the wake. I agree, so he loosens the knot a bit and pays out another six feet of line. So far so good. Then he thinks he maybe overdid it, and before I realize what he's doing, he takes the knot off altogether to pull the boat closer. I would have thought anybody with half a brain would know to not do that -- the line immediately flew overboard, dragged by the 3-ton Whaler. But then, anybody with half a brain would also have the sense to let the line go before he went flying overboard with it. This was the same guy who once asked why we  always  had to wear these bulky, uncomfortable life preservers...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I really hate babies," I say out loud, as my cousin feeds her twin sister's bastard infant son at my kitchen table.  I am tactless.  
  My mother, sister, brother in law, and I sat around the table enjoying lunch in some crapy brew pub restaurant. Some how the conversation drifted to a coworker of mine and his nutty wife who is on paxil or prozac. As I finish up the latest story of the guys crazy wife calling work in a lunatic state my mother quietly dig's  a little bottle of pills out of her purse and hands them across the table to me.  That killed the conversation for the rest of lunch.   
  yesterday i got sick from a poisoned taco. i think it was intended for someone else. nobody knows who i am.  
  i read this somewehre...wierdthesis.blahblah.com or some shit...its about politicaly correct mythology or some shit  it goes with the conversation of a gay demon and his followers...  kinda dumb  "oh great master of evil and darkness, father of death and destruction..how are you today?" "i'm super!! thanks for asking!!"  just struck me as really funny        
  I rode the mechanical bull at the Cowboy Bar in Cheyenne, WY.  I even got my picture taken.  I look about as far from a cowboy as you can get.  
   Reality Starts To Creep In #2  Brewpub. My haven.  I'm surrepticiously ogling the new waitress, who (of course - this is the Brewpub) is gorgeous. The owner has a genuine talent for hiring summer temps. She's finished her shift, and is sitting next to me, but even after being introduced, doesn't glance in my direction. One of my long-time, pretty young flirt-buddies comes in, doesn't notice me, and greets the new waitress like an old friend. They hug tight. (How can they  do  that? Don't their four titties  really  get squashed painfully?) I hit up the rest room. On my way back, she finally notices me (well, that was the point of the trip -- I didn't actually have to pee), and hugs me. She: "Ooh, not so tight! I'll pop!" Me: "You've never popped before. Why now?" She: "Can't you tell? I'm pregnant!" Me: "Are you serious? Omigosh, I'd always assumed I was shooting blanks!" I expect them to laugh, or at least giggle, but nothing, just disinterested blank stares...  
  So I'm talking to a friend of mine and he tells me that in the next county over it's illegal to kill an animal out of season and take it home for food.  But it's perfectly legal to take home absolutely anything that you hit with your car and eat it.   That's scary.    
  So i told this christian girl that i liked, that "jesus died for your sins." then she gave me the best head ever, THANK YOU JESUS!      oh i am soo going to hell.  
  "you know i've found that the more unusual a person tries to look, the less interesting they are to talk to"  "wow" i said "nice pants"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I went into the gas station and paid for my gas and the guy embarassingly points at my shirt, and starts doing a buttoning motion with his hands.   I act surprised and say "Oh thanks for telling me...how embarassing that could have been" and button it back up.   As I walk away I have to roll my eyes and I unbutton it again...man some people just don't get it.  
  I, personally, am sick of people assuming, upon introduction, that i am heterosexual.. asking me about my boyfriend and how he's faring the second i mention that i'm not single.. So, from now on, until you tell me otherwize, i am assuming that you are a carpet licking dyke. Not a bad thing, it's just more fair that way        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For the life of me, I couldn't tell you why I accepted the baby shower invitation. I hated the mom-to-be, she was one of those religious zealots who constantly is going on and on about who's going to hell, how jesus changed her life, on and on.  In the end, I just wrapped up a baby t-shirt that I got online and sent it along to the shower. It said "Fuck this.. give me titties and beer!" She opened it at the shower in the rec room of her church, surrounded by her fellow jesusfreaks.  Ah, to have been a fly on the wall.   
  Once upon a time, I was sitting in a shithole bar with a friend.  As we sat down at the almost empty bar, we notice a older biker looking guy with his head on the bar two seats down from us.  As we were drinking he would lift his head up every once in a while and look around with a dazed look in his eyes. This guy looked like he had been up for 2 weeks, and had obviously not showered the whole time because he smelled like motor oil and piss.       Then he stood up to reveal his piss soaked jeans and yelled at everyone in the everyone in the bar "GOD DAMN, IT SURE IS GOOD TO BE BACK IN COLORADO."     WE WERE IN FUCKING ILLINOIS.  
  "I think I've broken the Brow. I've had the very same moment come up three times in a row.  Either I broke it or it's the apocalypse, and I'd almost rather it were the latter. "  - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   The same has happened to me. With this post.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The test said pregnant...... TWICE.        
  Stomach pains for weeks.  Went down anyway.  Boom.  That was the end of Katie's trapped gas.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Clipboards have these nice big holes in the metal clip part.  They are the perfect size so that a 4th graders index finger can go right into the hole.  Down to the bottom third of said index finger to be exact.  The problem is that the finger won't come back out as it starts to swell and turn red.  Eventually you find yourself at the hospital with a purple finger.  The docter is wielding a pair of heavy duty metal tin snips promising you that he won't have to cut off your finger.    
  i asked my bf for an explanation for the guy who asked how men could masturbate in cars w/o making a mess.  he said it takes 3 things:  1. kleenex 2. tinted windows 3. enough loose skin to 'dry pump.'   that sounds like too much work to me.  i say just stick to picking your nose.  
  Perhaps the most fun time I've ever had. If you don't have a long attention-span, just hit [reload]. Your loss. My (plastics moulding software) company sent me out to a big software conference in LA , to fix a probblem. (Gibberish, gibberish, gibberish -- I won't bore you with it). So they put on a luau on the beach, complete with everything: 30 young Polynesian maidens with grass skirts and coconut-shell bras. They called for volunteers to dance with them, and my date (also a Polynesian) called out something like: "Humu humu nukka apouiaa!"  (I always thought that was the name of some Hawaiian fish, but...) >  But what it meant was: "Here's a chump! Grab him!" The 30 of them, and me, had a  wonderful  time. Back in the office, I wrote it all up in my trip report: "They approached me, with their coconut shells wiggling amazingly. But then I noticed a protusion mark on the nipples! "They weren't real coconut shells! They were plastic fakes, and we could do a much better job of manufacturing them!" Nobody wanted to talk to  me for three days. But then my co-workers got back from the graphics conference that had also been in LA. Kathy: "We met these guys! And they asked us our company. They said: 'Do you know [Limbo]? He's an astonishing dancer..."  
  the dentist said just raise your hand if it starts to hurt.  just about then i jerked my hand up and hit him in the face knocking him to the ground....           
  if dicks tasted like chocolate, i'd live my life on my knees.  
  tonight i got pulled over for turning into the far lane instead of the near lane.  i had to do about 6 field sobriety tests, the whole time thinking, "if there doing these tests they must know they have me busted."  but then the cops told me to go back to my car, and they let me go.  i swear, i was so drunk and high, i still can't believe it.        
  I dropped a computer at dell with my supervisor standing right beside me. I looked at him and he looked at me, I picked it back up and droped it again. He asked me why the hell I did it again and I told him " well the way I look at it, It was already fucked, And I was pissed for dropping it, And I was told to take my anger out on inanimate objects..." He said fine, send it to scrap and kicked it one good time before walking away. God bless Being the new guy. R 0 (V)  
  She said "My mother says you're a cad."  So I looked up the meaning of cad. I wasn't pleased.  My girlfriend's mother had called me an Omnibus. I was a method of transportation.  Then I saw the other definition of cad. I was further displeased.  So I asked my girlfriend: "What did your mother mean when she said that?"  My girlfriend responded in a day after talking with her mother. Apparently "It was just a joke."  Man, was that a funny joke! I laughed 'till I stopped laughing; about, oh, right away. Don't you think that was funny?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I missed my period this month, but wasnt too concerned about being pregnat, my beau however was paranoid. And so when I came down sick with what I considered to be a case of jalepeno cheese too early in the morning, he was convinced that it was morning sickness, despite the time being 1 pm. He ran out and bought a pregnancy test, and forced me to crawl off the couch to take it. He burst into the bathroom, just as I was putting the cap on it, and proceeded to stand over it for the entire three minutes it took to develop. When the negative result was finally visible. He carried it bouncingly through the kitchen and declared that he was going to frame it as modern art. I grunted in pain from the couch, and remained there the entire evening. I told him that he could probably make a fortune putting enlarged pictures of negative pregnancy tests on posters for teenage boys. He cried the next day when he found his "modern art" in the garbage can.  
  Girl 1-Oh John Mayor is so fine. I read an interview with him and he said that after his first kiss his pants were wet.   Girl 2- Awww how cute, he wet his pants!  Girl 1-No dear, he didn't wet his pants.  
  check this out said he as he extracted a three inch splinter from his bloody palm lunch revisted and found floor        
  The morning after partying very hard, me and my fellow dormmates awoke to a strange sound echoing through the cavernous hallway.  Urk, urk, urk......  Finally, I stuck my head out the door to see what the fuck was going on. I behold the Korean cleaning lady wiping up human feces that had been smeared on someone's door and she was trying to keep from hurling.  I noticed that many others had looked out at exactly the same time, sort of prairie dog like.  She never puked and I decide to take some bong hits and go back to sleep.  
  I've had diarrhea for about a month - which is when I started this new job.  It's beginning to go away. The diarrhea. Not the job.  
  The other day I read an article about how while Britney Spears was filming a music video in LA at around 2 am the people who lived in that area started freaking out. her floodlights were filling their apartments with light, and they had to listen to the same goddamn song over and over and over and over. So they reacted the same way anyone would. They threw buckets filled with urine at that manufactured little bitch.  I like to think some 'browers were in on that one  
  was in a record shop yesterday (Zia's, the only cool record shop i know of in phoenix) checking out the Massive attack, and i feel this slap on my ass. thinking its my girly, i turn around... this (5?) year old kid in a power ranger costume with a plkastic sw1ord is running around whacking everyone! hes awesome.  
  april fool's day gets worse every year. my family is SO into it. salty in the coffee, crisco "icing" on graham crackers, "kool-aid"(water with red dye and salt), water sprayed in my face by the hose on the sink, opening my backpack in the middle of class to find that it has been stuffed with multiple pairs of briefs.  my family is so fun.  
  A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR  Doctor:  Your genital herpes test results came in.  Lady:  Okay....  Doctor:  You tested negative.  We found out that it was just dried-up strawberry oatmeal.    Lady:  So, is there a cure for that?  
  I was a Cashier at a Shopko.  I was at a register near the loss prevention (security) office.  I was scanning this customers items when a leather-clad man ran from the rear of the store at full speed, arms full of merchendise, out the front door knocking over two old ladies.  On his tail was store security.  They caught him in the parking lot, and handcuffed him because he was a little upset he was being detained.  They carried him in kicking and screaming to the loss prevention office and shut the door.     For a few minutes its quiet.  Suddenly there is a crash and some commotion and the angry shoplifter ran out the front door again, still in handcuffs.  He may have gotten away if he hadn't tripped running at full speed and ground the left side of his face to a fine pulp.  He was excorted back in the building, face mangled, squrting and dripping.  he was screaming "FUCK YOU FUCKERS I AM GONNA SUE YOU BLAAAAAARGH!!!"  He did try to sue.  Something about his injuries being caused by failing to detain him properly.  Fucking idiot.  I wonder if he won?  I dunno.  I got fired because I got blamed for paging "Mr. Harry Dong" to the customer service desk.  
  I decide to be good and start cycling to work each day. Its an effort but I figure its worth it considering I am putting on a few pounds lately and I end up feeling very exhausted (but good exhausted) after the hour long ride in the morning each day.  This morning though I get into the office and notice that my work clothes are not in my bag...hence I got nothing to change into.   So I am sitting here in my sweaty, 5 day old cycling tight pants and walking around in those plasticky bike pedal shoes.   Learn from this.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I call my creation "Trailer Maki".  Nori, rice, Oscar Meyer Baloney and Velveeta.  Don't laugh.  With enough wasabi it might be filled with cat shit and people couldn't tell the difference.  Hmmm...  
  When I was in boarding school there was this non-boarder friend of mine who was planning a party. Everyone was looking forward to what was going to be an awesome piss-up.  Myself and another friend got there early that evening (I was spending the whole weekend there, unbeknownst to the school or my parents) and helped to set everything up. Then, with nothing else to do and the anticipation killing us, we started laying into the booze.  By the time everyone started to arrive we were hammered. I'm not sure where my mate was, but I was wrapped around the base of the toilet praying for death.  We ended up being dragged to one of the bedrooms, and arranged on beds on opposite sides of the room. I was conscious, but unable to move. My fellow drunkard was out cold on the other bed. A little later some of my our friends came in and decided to shave my mate's eyebrows off. I told them to stop, but they knew I couldn't move, so they just laughed at me. I lay there and watched them work, unable to move or even raise my voice beyond a whisper.  I actually managed to sober up before the end of the party, but ended up getting pissed again. I felt quite shitty the next day. It was quite a while before my friend noticed one of his eyebrows was gone. He was understandably upset.  
  after reading someones post about getting the idea to smoke a bowl before a dreaded easter party at her aunts'... i myself am reminded of the first time i smoked a bowl before one of my HUGE step-family of three or four years' gatherings... i smoked a bowl with my step dad, and then we went inside.  i looked around the room and it suddenly dawned on me that every single one of my step-dad's male relatives, including himself, between the ages of 25 and 45(and now me, an 18 year old chick), were potheads.  that's why all the food disappeared instantly, and all the guys fell asleep anywhere they could. my mom came up to me the next day and hugged me and said she was "so proud i was spending time with my stepfather."  heh.  me too.  i love finding out that upper class americans are potheads too, especially when they are my family. :)  
  "Kid" Mankowitz and I were 12.  We picked grapefruits off of Old Lady Webster's tree and rode around on our bicycles throwing semi-ripe grapefruits at old people walking with their rolling wire baskets on their way to the grocery store.  They usually went down pretty hard.   We called this sport "Granny Hunting". The other thing that we loved to do then (1962) was walk into "filling stations" bathrooms and kick open the stall doors and squirt water and throw shit at guys sitting on the throne trying to take a dump.  They were defensless.  They were hostile.  We were ELATED.  Once we turned 50 we stopped doing this stuff.  However, it's now been 6 months since our last "hit" and we are "jonesing", so..............................  
  When I was five, I was in Kindergarten with the local minister's daughter.  We became friends and would often go down to her basement to drop our pants for each others' amusement.  The next year I got skipped up to second grade and we switched to a different church which pretty much ended it.  
  A friend of mine usually gets so drunk when he goes out that he feels too tired to get home. So he goes to the square in the center of our town, lies down and starts to scream. Every time, cops are there immediately and drives him to the station to sleep it off in a cell, then they let him go the next day. He thinks it's great. He says it's like getting a free cab to a hotel. Now he only has to work out how to get the drinks for free too.  
  A supervisor was trying to get me booted out of the Army, but at the same time, was trying to be all friendly to me. He came to my barracks room one day, straight from the gym. He sat on my bunk and he was talking to me, and I remarked that he looked thirsty. He said he was, so I went to the bathroom, ran the water in the sink, but dipped his glass in the toilet, and then turned the sink off and took him the glass of water. He sat there drinking that toilet water for about ten minutes, talking to me. Meanwhile, I'm doing my best not to burst out laughing. He left and I fell on the floor laughing so hard, I thought my ribs were going to break. A few months later, he was booted out for being overweight. Ah, karma is sweet...  
   (This sounds like bragging about my scary exploits, but there's a genuine LowBrow moment at the end)  I visit my wife's cousin in Vermont one winter, on my own. She gives me the kid's bedroom, upstairs, and they sleep in her room. 2am, the house catches fire. They get out safely, but I'm trapped upstairs, groggy and not realizing that I'm dying from smoke inhalation. I open the bedroom door, but enormous flames are shooting up the stairway. I open the window, but there's a strong screen across it. Besides, the open window feeds the flames like crazy. I think, muddily, that I should close the door to give me some time to get the screen open. I close it, but notice 6' flames now pouring out of the floor register. I can't see a damn thing, and on my way back to the window, I hit a table and fall. I'm so tired. It would be so nice to just lie here and sleep.  That  close. Closest I've ever been... I lurch to my feet and hurl myself at the screen. I land softly on the snow-covered porch roof. The cousin and her kids hug me desperately, her saying: "Thank God! You saved my kiddies lives!"  (Where's the LowBrow moment? Coming up...)  I go back up next week to help her dismantle the burned-out shell. She can't thank me enough. A year later, after the divorce, I'm driving up to the Bread And Puppet festival in nothern Vermont with my new girlfriend. I call my ex-wife's cousin, and suggest we come visit. I think she'd like my girlfriend, and I'd love to see her and her kids again. She: "Are you alone?" Me: "No, I have my girlfriend with me." She: "I'm sorry. We have loyalties..." I've heard that expression three times in my life, always from Jews. I like Jews, but... Besides, I had to leave my wife's Nikon to the flames. Third one I've killed. I'm allergic to Nikons, it seems...  
   Not Understanding The Concept #11  Chatting with a lady friend about our various intestinal problems. She: "I was getting better, but then I took an asprin this morning." Me: "You should save asprin for birth control." She: "??"  (I now it's an old one, but...)  Me: "Fail-safe. Just hold the asprin between your knees." She laughs, weakly, but then my boy pipes up, helpfully: "Or put it in your pocket!"  
  When I was little the pool was my favorite place ever.  My mom would have to drag me kicking and screaming from the pool when it was time to leave.  I would only get out of the pool to leave.  Well one day I really had to take a shit but of course I didn't want to get out of the pool.  So I hold it.  And hold it.  And hold it.  I'm about to explode when I finally run to the bathroom.  Being young I hadn't learned the trick of just pulling your bathing suit to the side when you go, so I tugged and yanked at my wet bathing suit which insisted on sticking to me.  By the time I get my bathing suit down, I don't even have time to sit down before I go.  So I shit all over the toilet seat and the floor.  Disgusted and ashamed, I move to the next stall over, clean myself up, and leave.  As I jump back into the pool I say, "Don't use the first stall.  Someone pooped all over the seat." I wonder if they knew it was me.  
  One of my earliest memories is sitting in my mom's Volvo in 5 o'clock trafic.  This guy was on the street corner in a brown trenchcoat flashing this huge chrome .45 at me and laughing.  I bet he visits this site.  If you're out there, you owe my mom 810$ in therapy bills.  
  I don't like it when people mispell "word".   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There seem to be alot of subway related moments so I may as well add mine.   I used to eat subway alot. There was one in my student union so it was always pretty close by and better than the rest of the food my husky card could buy. Then one day while I was studying in the student union, I noticed that the subway people always brought their own food to work, even drinks. What do they know that the rest of us don't?  
  The bug-eyed street preacher got into a shouting match with a passerby in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral on 5th Avenue. When a cop told him to move on, the evangelist brayed that he had a right to be there. He stormed away, screaming the Lord's Prayer at the top of his lungs. Halfway across the street to Rockefeller Center, he wheeled around to face the cop and shouted back: "For thine is the KING-dom, the POW-er, and the GLO-ry for EV-er and EV-er, A-MEN, you FUCK-ing PIECE of SHIT!"  
  I told her we couldn't go to that abortion clinic because they had a 10 month waiting list. Some people don't appreciate levity.  
  It really pisses me off how a guy can tell someone to "suck his dick" and it means fuck off, leave him alone. Me being a girl... If I got mad at a guy and shouted "Lick my clit!", he'd probably think he was getting laid tonight.  I guess that's just the fun of having a penis.   
  there are the A-list guys who are nice, sweet, intelligent, fun, and caring, but either married or gay.  there are the B-list guys who are available, but insane, bitter, stupid, abusive, unfaithful, or in the armed forces.  then there are the guys nobody notices: nice, sweet, intelligent, fun, caring, non-spoken-for guys who eventually *become* B-list types, having been driven to madness by their platonic female friends who constantly complain to them over a cup of coffee about the lack of available nice guys.  ladies, would it kill you to just look up from that fucking coffee once in a while  
  he was hung like a horse but only lasted a few minutes.  i had barely worked him inside me when it was over.  he apologized and i put my arms around him and said it was okay, we could always try again later.  "later", after half a dozen delicious strokes, he was done.  i nearly cried, but i still told him it was okay.  call me a saint, but i'm willing to just keep fucking him until he gets it right. and maybe next time have him wear two condoms.    
  Said: "Yes I still have all my parts and yes I'm using the stock shift knob."    
  you have to wonder what it says about america that catholic school girls are a sexual icon.  just something about those pleated skirts, man.  
  everyone looked at me and my smirk quickly faded as the pack singled me out. the damn Vagina Monolouges were coming to our theater, and these dumbshits were running around promoting it by declaring an unofficial "Vagina Awareness Day".  imagine, no one thinking about the pussy, on a college campus...... the fuzzy-faced one clutched her stack of photocopied pamphlets even tighter, and i saw triumph in her eyes when she knew i was embarassed in front of my lunch table full of guy friends. "you heard me, if your vagina could talk, what would it say?" my humiliation turned into anger, and my ears burned so much i couldn't hear.  poor judgement took over, and with much more volume than intended, i snapped "it would say 'give me that pamphlet, bitch!  i'm hungry!' THATS what it would say!" it wasn't funny, or clever.  ah well.  it worked.  i didn't get an 'I (heart) my Vagina' sticker that day.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Has anyone noticed the old lady beating a cat against the wall as though it was a rug in the background of the 'Bring out your dead' scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?  I did, so rang my Dad and told him.  Hysterics followed, then his exact words were 'Stop playing with the drugs and go to bed'.  Sorry Dad, forgot you were doing the same thing at 22.  2 Generations of MJ & MP.  Cheers Dad!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My (female) boss asked me today  "Would you take it up the ass from a horse if it meant there would be world peace?"  i'm a guy, by the way  and no, i would not  
   I once made a pig eat bacon. I was at a farm one day and the piggy made strange noises when it ate it......IT WAS AS FUNNY AS HELL!       
  It's the little things that make me happy.  Like flicking a cigarette so it bounces right off the windshield of the little old lady tailgating me on the expressway.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was going to lose my virginity the next day, so I went to the convenience store across the street to buy condoms.  I also bought a Coke since I was thirsty.   The clerk looked at my purchases, grinned and said,"Coke and a smile?"   I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in all my life.   One month later she told me she was pregnant.  
  I'm getting to that point in my life when I'm starting to hear, out of the blue, from people I went to high school with. (Damn classmates.com) Ten years changes people a whole lot. It's nice to hear from them and all but I'm not the same person I was. If they were too chickenshit to fuck me then that's their problem. I'm not available anymore. Sorry boys. You shoulda called five years ago.  
     Last weekend, I rented "Last Tango in Paris" thinking it would be a cultural experience.     IT'S A FREAKING PORNO.      
    The Misfit's "Die, Die, Die, My Darling" strikes me as a romantic tune.       
  No.... I am not anorexic... and no, I do not have bulimia... I just lost it working out.... so sue me!        
  One time, when I couldn't pay either the electric or the phone bill, I filled out a check to each of them and then put the phone bill check in the cable envelope and the cable check in the phone envelope and sent them out.  A few weeks later, they both called me to tell me about my mistake.  By then, I had the money to pay the two bills.  I told them just to void the mistaken checks and I would send out new ones immediately.  
  read a scientific article the other day, said that human male semen contains pheromones that trigger erotic feelings in women. it said exactly where to apply the semen for maximum placement. (behind the ears, and on the wrists, just like perfume)... first of all, ew. second of all, im gonna have to try that.  dont even get me started on wondering if the scientists do it too.  
  If men got their period every month, tampons would definitly be free or else it would be socially acceptable to bleed all over your self  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One late night, With a growling stomach, I decided to go down for a snack. Should have turned the light on. As in the darkness, I stepped out too far, And missed three steps. Finding myself on the floor, I grasped at my ankle, and screamed in agony.  Sprained. Have to keep it elevated. Take medication. Wrap it with an ace bandage. so forth. The fine blonde nurse asks me if i would like crutches. Her being a fine blonde nurse, I tell her I'm fine. Cause I'm a real man!  I'm a real man who spent 3 weeks hoping around in agony, only to never see that nurse again.  I hate pride.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After relating to my friend about the band members sitting at my table during breaks at clubs, my friend said, "That happens a lot to you, doesn't it?"  I didn't know if I should've been complimented or insulted.  
  So here's the description of the guy in question:  He's about 5' 9", weighs in at an unhealthy 110lbs, is dirty, stinky and drunk beyond any reasonable level.  There's an unmistakable odour that just screams "I've just pissed my pants!".  For some reason, the soles of his hands were pitch black with grime...like he had been crawling a LOT.    So dude sloshes over to me and manages,"Hey, would you like to buy a two-six?".  There's no bottle anywhere.  I politely decline his offer (fuck off) and he begins to make his way to the center of the bus (which is packed).    (ASIDE:  For this next portion, you must imagine that the character played by Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's is on the bus...Mr. Yunioshi.  You remember...he was the HORRIBLE Asian stereotype that lived upstairs from her and was always complaining about the noise.  "Mrs. Go-rite-ree!!".  Yeah him, he's on the bus and Mr. Stinky Pants is using him as support so he doesn't fall over.)  So I suddenly hear (in the voice of Mr. Yunioshi) ,"BACK OFF!!  Don't touch my bod-ee!!  Just BACK OFF!!".  It's getting heated and increasingly surreal.  People are starting to form a circle around the pair and are looking back and forth between each other.  Eyes begin to roll as the exchange picks up momentum.  "Just FUCKING BACK OFF OF ME!!  STOP TOUCHING ME!!!".  That's when the confrontation reached an apex...  Mr. Stinky Pants turns 180 degrees from our Asian hero and begins to climb over the back of the seats nearest to him...much to the dismay of the young ladies who are seated there.  He climbs over the next set of seats in front of him and promptly pushes himself out of the open window up to his waist.  There is screaming from the more squeamish and chants of "JUMP! JUMP!" from the hardcores.  Mr. SP then spins about and is sitting on the ledge with just his legs inside...but only for a moment because the movement of the bus (of course the bus is still moving through all of this commotion) causes him to flip backwards so that only his ankles are inside.  He's precariously hanging out of the window of the moving bus by his ankles.  Cirque de Soliel, kiss his ASS.  A lady now begins to panic and is screaming to the driver to stop the bus...which he does.  You guessed it, just enough momentum to knock SP straight onto the ground.  It was amazing!!!  Everyone was stunned into complete silence, until "Mr. Yunioshi" suggested to the driver that we continue.  And we did.  Just like that.    (Mr. SP was fine, by the way.  I believe the expression "go limp" applies here.)       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was recently surprised to learn that I am not the only person in my demographic group who enjoys using Gold Bond Medicated Powder purely for recreation.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         since he spent our entire phone conversation acting like an asshole, I decided I was entitled to be a bitch.   "I'll be at your house at five." I said, thinking  "FUCK  him."   I proceeded to go on with what I was doing before he called, and as five o'clock rolled merrily 'round, I felt really fucking clever.   at eight he came to the house looking for me, and I told my mother to say "she's not here, she's out with sean." while I waited in the shadows, still overcome with how fun it was to get some revenge for his asshole behavior. ten minutes later, I stood in the kitchen, laughing and gloating over what I did, saying what a dumb fuck he was and how he deserved to be lied to.  funny, I never really considered that his family lives next door -- one foot away from us -- and our kitchen window is apparently NOT as soundproof as I assumed.  
  I saw this personal ad the other day:  50 y/o bisexual gentleman, in good shape, looking for no-strings fun. Sex, age, species (i.e. dog) unimportant.  I can't help but wonder how many replies he received.  At least he's not picky.  
  He looked at me as I walked down the street to meet him in the plaza.  "Lookin' a little groggy this mornin' arent'cha?" he said.  "Fukkin industry parties...." was all I could really muster up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I sent the URL for this site to my boyfriend. He submitted his moment, which was about his ex-girlfriend leaving him for a member of a band known as Buttsteak.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Only the truly beautiful can indulge in casual sex.  Myself and the vast majority find that being too casual inevitably results in no sex.  
  I just saw a commercial for Nutribars (or something like that), and the tagline was "you are what you eat." It showed a cute girl eating a sticky bun, and she gets off the train, and a guy is watching her walk, and it cuts to a shot of her lower body, and she's walking all sexy, but her ass is two giant sticky buns.  And I thought out loud, "I'd fuck that."  
  In the past 48 hours, I've spouted off the only 2 peices of useful advice my brain has ever produced.  1) "Yeah, you should only get a tattoo in Vegas if you win enough money to pay for it.  It's like a sign from the universe, you know?"  2) "Walk softly and cary some phat beats."    
  Two hours into the long weekend and we've started on the three-gulp martinis. By the end of the night we're just basically gabbing anything remotely looking like a drink container and filling it with vodka. Aren't we the cutest!  Fast-forward to the morning.  Good, I made it to bed last night, hmmm, but what's all over my face? And my bed, and my clothes? Wow, would you look at the floor! Looks like I spent the night on the teacups at VomitLand.  Prob'ly the lowest-brow moment of all of them - and there were quite a few - is me taking the soiled comforter to the toilet, dipping it in the bowl and SCRAPING the puke into the water, flushing, and repeating. Then lying, moaning, next to the bath tub, then getting up, still drunk, and renting a steam-vac.  I think I might have a problem. Next time I think I'll sleep in the tub.  
  I recently got an electric razor because I am too much of lazy ass to shave the manual way.  I find that the best way to use it is on the toilet while taking a shit.  It's multi-tasking.  I think I've reached a new high...   or a new low.  
  I need trepanation like I need another hole in my head.  
  You know you're baked when brakelights hurt your eyes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we can't have everything and if we did we would be sloth in our behaviours compelled to stagnate  what reasons for improvement are better suited than the uncomfortableness of being human  smcn/01       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lying in bed with my boyfriend watching a movie (LIFE, i think it has eddie murphey in it)  The movies been on for about an hour, and i've been playing with his dick the whole time.  I lean over and start giving him head.  He looks at me and asks "are we gonna watch this movie or what??".  Rejected! And i thought guy's liked getting head!  
   Oh Brave New World (that has such people in it)  I'm just a shy Scotsman, fresh off the boat in time for the Bicentennial July 4th. Sitting on a hill at the foot of the Flatirons, waiting for the firework show that Boulder, CO, is putting on. I'm surrounded by UCol students, who seem a little loud and raucous, but intimidate the hell out of me anyway. The fireworks come on, to cheers. Then hundreds of cameras are lifted to photograph them. The hillside is illuminated by popping flashbulbs. Eh, using a flashbulb to photograph something that's a mile away? Eh, using a flashbulb to photograph something that's actually a source of light? I start to get less intimidated...  
  Last June, camping at Kern River/Lake Isabella area with my uncle.  We drive up into Sequoia Natl.' Forest for a cool camp site after morning kayaking.  We find a good one at about lunch time.  My uncle (he's 79) wants me to to take a picture of him walking on a log that crosses the creek to prove to his wife he can "still do things".  Half way across, he falls in the creek. Totally soaked. He proceeds to take off all his clothes and lay them out in the sun to dry.  So my 79 years old uncle is walking around stark naked in the woods for over a half hour. Then I realize it's my birthday.  Certainly wasn't the gift I hoped for.  
  Today was Mother's Day.I work at Marshalls.All day last minute buyers were coming in buying gifts for their moms.As if it wasn't bad enough that all of them were buying last minute, they were also only buying the junk in clearence. Come on people your shopping in a discount store and you think the prices are to high.Is clearence all your mom is worth to to you.  
  Now I think the whole concept of dick naming is a tad odd.  And cybering, equally odd, seems to promote the concept for people tend to feel uncomfortable with the everyday word like "penis".  So I was reading a log of a cyber session on this site, which talks all 'bout it and with a friend beside me, collectively laughing our asses off.  "Mr.Bobo"  We both repeat in the midst of our mirth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend of mine and I plan on going camping and meeting up with some people. Unfortunately, plans fall through and we end up being the only two people up for partying.  Whatever, we have a cooler full of beer, a sweet car, and a campsite.  We end up getting piss ass drunk, driving down deserted back roads standing out of the sunroof screaming and throwing empty milwaukee's best cans out of the car.    Dumb luck gets us back to the parking lot near our campsite in one piece.  If you have ever been in a volvo, you know how cumfy they are.  We decide to just chill in the car drinking more and listening to really loud music.  By the way this is in the "radio free zone" of the park.  The place where nice familys go to have a nice quiet camping trip.  So at 3 in the morning we are cranking bob marley and singing along quite poorly.  Then we top off the night by accidently setting off the car alarm. Eventualy we pass out and wake up to the sun and familys walking around our car filled with beer bottles and two passed out teenagers.    We get out of the car, clean up the beer bottles scattered around the car, pack up the site and book it out of there within 20 minutes of waking up. Possibly the worst and most embarassing wake up of my life.  But still, probably the most fun night of my life.    
  So, I'm at Sears and I hear a guy make a comment about "raging hormones" to his wife. Then I hear the voice of an eight or nine year old boy say, "what are raging hormones."  Without missing a beat, his 12-13 year old brother says, "that's the sound an angry prostitute makes."  
  Okay... to all the guys whining about getting a Q-tip in their 'pee pee'...   Try getting a fricking pair of mutant duck-billed pliars shoved up your vagina. THEN they poke you with q-tips.    Heh. What pussies.    - Get@clue  ================================ Hahaha true, true Guys you really don't know how good you have it. Of course I think the multiple orgasm makes up for it ;-)   
  I had been pulled over for speeding...  Cop:  I've been waiting all day for you Me:  Well, i got here as fast as i could  after he finished laughing, he let me go  
  After 4 years at an elite college and several more years of soul searching, I've come to the conclusion that there truly isn't anything unfunny about the word "scrotum."  
  I was with some friends and we were smoking up on the top of a parking garage.  Suddenly a University cop car drives down on the level below us.  We throw the pipe in a box and toss it in this crevice in the wall.  The friend that had the bag of weed jumps up and books it down the stairs while we all just sit there, trying to play it cool.  We didn't know he had the weed.  We thought he had given it to Will to put in the box.  Anyway, the cop car stop in front of us and we pull out some cigarettes and just pretend to be hanging out.  She asks us where the other young man went and we say we don't know.  She takes all of our info and tells us someone called in a report about suspicious behavior from the hotel across the street.  She thought we were going to break into the cars.  After hassling us for a little while she actually lets us go without even searching us or smelling our breaths or anything.   But in the meantime she's called other cops and has them searching for the friend that took off running.  He was surrounded by three cop cars and something like seven cops when we left.  There was nothing we could do for him so we went back to the dorm and waited for the bad news. They took him to the detention center and made him spend the night but didn't drug test or search him either (he'd thrown the weed under a car anyway). The moral of the story is:  University cops suck.  
  If I were a guy the first thing I'd do would be to pee standing up.  The second would be to cum on some girl's tits   
  I work at a theatre. I once heard a customer seriously complain saying, "Excuse me, this popcorn is corny." I didn't know how to respond to that. I had a perplexed look on my face and asked what could be done about the "problem." He thought I was being a smartass. Do you understand how popcorn can be too corny?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met this gorgeous curly brown haired girl from Flroida that I quickly became head over heels about. Well, one day  she started kissing me and we soon began fucking like bunnies. I was right about to come when she says " Oh god I think I'm going to be sick", and she pushed me off of her and ran to the trash can and vomited. Well she made this really adorable sound right before she hurled and it got me off and I came all over her bed while she was puking in the trash can. Its kinda funny to say that I cant resist a beautiful girl kneeling naked next to a trash can with vomit in her amazingly gorgeous hair.   
  Now, don't get me wrong.  I've had sex in cars several times without problems.  But this one just freaked me out.   We were parked in a corn field in mid-May.  My best friend, and her boyfriend where in the front seat of my car.  He was recieveing a blow job from her.  Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I are in the back seat, buck naked having sex. Everything was going wel, until my boyfriend looks up and sees a man on a four wheeler, about 3 feet behind us. Now I know you are thinking, "Ha, ha..big deal..."  But trust me, it was scary, especially when the guy in the front threw the car into gear and burned the four wheeler.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a well heeled and rather largehearted ex casanova once told me that  if you play love as if it is a game all you will get is games and no one really wins personally i have found that if you play love as a game all you get is gamey you know like the smell of a recently shot deer hanging in the garage after an unpredicted indian summer hits with three days of plus seventy degress gamey i mean really do we need anymore of that qm         
  Is it wrong to steal cardboard construction signs from sites?  And is it more wrong that we gave the one that said "Open Trench" to a friend of ours?  And is it worse that she hung it up above her bed?  
  when the local pizza joint introduced all you can eat I went for lunch with these sick fuckers who gorged themselves, ran to the bathroom to throw up, came back and gorged again, just coz they could.  sick, but it's not bulimia coz they went home with full stomachs  
  red bull + vodka = fight-in-a-glass.  
  I didn't cry when my childhood pet died. I didn't cry when they cancelled my car insurance and repossessed the VW. I didn't cry when my ex left me for "someone younger with better tits". I didn't cry when my sister told me it would be better if I didn't come to the wedding because she'd invited the ex and it might make him uncomfortable. But when my vintage, softer-than-a-puppy's-belly Uriah Heep t-shirt finally fell apart in the wash, I bawled like a baby.   
  The way I deal with female telemarketers is I let them get through their whole sales pitch, vaguely answering their questions.  Then it's my turn for questions (after all they called me)  The first question is usually "What color panties are you wearing today?"  If they haven't hung up yet, I inquire in much greater detail as to their panty size, preffered style, if their bra matches their panties, what their bra size is, etc.  Most times they hang up after the initial question.  
  I'm the same guy that got head from the fat chick with a smelly cooter.  Well, I dated a chick for like three years.  She was crazy and even saw a therapist.  eventually she broke up with me.  I was totally heart broken for the longest time.  Well, I joined a band with a record deal, recorded at Warner Bros and toured the country twice and have even had healthy relationships with normal women.  SHE however, quit college, her job, sold her nice car, abandoned her family and friends and moved into a Hare Krisna temple.  HAHAHAHA.  She even had the nuts to ask me to join so we could be together.  I guess the joke's on her.  Dumbass.  
  Teenage years are fun.  Especially prepubecent when you're running around watching scrambled porn and getting off to workout videos.  Have I mentioned if a pair of pants don't fit me when I try them on in the dressing room, I cum in them and put them back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I discovered the joy of masturbation at the age of fourteen. The first orgasm scared the shit out of me, though. I thought I was going to die, and that my goo was some essential fluid that wasn't supposed to be shooting out of the end of my dick.  That didn't stop me from doing it six more times, that day.  
  I just finished taking a shower and was putting my contact lenses in. when I went to put the lense for the right eye in I was like, "ok this does not seem ot be working..." then I realized it was because I had put two lenses in the same eye.  
        I ate mexican food last night.  Will someonce open the window my car's on fire?  
  to those women who've woken up and realized that their boyfriends are fucking them:  How in the hell do you not wake up the moment they put it in?  Hell, I scream bloody murder if someone pokes me while I'm napping.    (no pun intended)  i mean, if it's really that easy, maybe i should try it sometime.   but i'd probably need a girlfriend first.  
  I was driving once, and i saw this beat up old Honda coverd in those"What Would Jesus Do" stickers...  What would Jesus do? Probably tell that guy to get rid of those rediculous fucking stickers, for starters....        
  my roommates are in another area of the apartment, so it technically isn't drinking alone is it?  
  "gin and tonic," i said, trying not to look the bartender in the eye.   he nodded. as he reached for the gin, he paused.   i held my breath.   "didn't we go to high school together?"   my jig was up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  today, i posed as a young mormon girl and got this mormon guy from school to have cyber sex with me. it was fucking hilarious. later i talked to him and he was like "i feel so guilty" and i was laughing, i corrupted him, and i dont feel bad at all.  
  here's an idea for a reality show:      A pack of drunken, stuttering has-been fake-millionaire celebrities who all went to the same highschool are stuck on an island and are elimidated after several rounds of building forts while singing cheesy pop songs to fat ex-strippers while unmasking america's hottest college coed sorority mole.     Had this been done two years ago, we would have all surely saved ourselves millions of collectively wasted years.  
   Walking down 57th Street the construction workers lined the side of the building. "Hey, Hey Six" they shouted refering to the # on the back of my t-shirt.  "Hey six. Hey baby. Can I be your nine".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  first off no body owes you shit you stoopid fuck you were born just like everybody else and have the same chances of becoming great or insignificant secondly if you live your life with tv commercials as your sole benchmark of personhood perfected you will most likely end up insignificant so shut the fick up about the ills you perceive are committed against you with purposeful malice fact is its all random  your too fucking sensitive and in fact nobody gives a rats fuck about your self centered ego manical attempts to be meaningful no one oh yeah use some deoderant too jeese          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Out on a night on the town, D.C., Adam's Morgan to be exact.  Lots of drinking...  Someone bets me $14 to eat a rather large handfull of red pepper sitting innocently on the table at the pizza joint...  I get it all down...instantly on the last swallow i puke all over the sidewalk...  We take a cab to the hotel, me spitting out the window the whole time, breathing in whistles, drinking, swishing whatever liquid i can find, I think the cabbie thought i was spitting in the car..."car full a' drunks, whadd'ya expect"...  Mouth burned like i got maced all night long, but ole Snap-Dad played a good set on his 6 string, and i got 14 bucks, so it was all good    
  Lots of fun last night. I suppose the hilight would be smoking pot in a dark alley, downtown, with my best friend and his middle-aged father.  ...right before trying to get into a comedy club, underage.  The old man had a little too much to drink, too... only have my learners and I hadn't driven for three months but I ended up driving them home.  (where we smoked more pot).  Good times.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         stumbling around in college park one night with a couple friends. on our way to a party on the third floor, i think. on the second floor somebody stopped.   two used condoms and a dirty diaper in the middle of the carpeted hallway.  i didn't have a damn thing to say.  
  I'll bet I'm not the only one who had to watch terminator 2 in 1997 on the day in august the day the world was supposed to end.   I also eat pie on march 14th...lol dork  
   Even as she becam e more excited and tense, she could not, WOULD not shake this  thought that inside, there must be something more sinister, like straight out of a Jim Thomson book.. Sweat glistened on a once confident soul.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  If what happened on your outside happened on your inside, would you still shit in your bed?        
  skank whore tramp slut floozy wench call girl alley walker ho hooker intern sleaze rug-burn back easy pass-around beast with two backs maker neighborhood bicycle porn star stripper the imfamous bitch *69 mistress Lady Lucky* girl on the side run-around hole  lover reaper of benefits cunt cheap know nothing knock-up loose pussy she-who-smiles-like-a-donut showgirl coffee break entertainment pool hall permanant madam deflowered hausfrau "experienced" kitty with claws the bad girl bedsore blue girl  hooch breeder grade-F meat seed sower one-bag ugly two-bag ugly coyote ugly  "public relations" director contortionist beav  Are we all here?      
  Somehow I can see people visiting this site for different reasons.  I guess they can be divided into categories such as:  1. Those who appreciate Lowbrow for all the embarrassing truths about mankind. (i.e. The Laughers)  2. Those who like to read about other deprived individuals so we can feel better about ourselves. (i.e. The Seekers, or The Miserable)  3. Those who are fans of incoherent masses of texts, but just want to be amazed by the cunning powers of http. (i.e. The Idiots)  4. Those who are looking for material worthy of masturbation. [If someone can jerk off to weird S/M featuring midgets kicking cows in the belly, they can definitely approve of this.] (i.e. The Weirdos)  5. Those who are utterly bored. (i.e. The Humans)  Guess which category I'm best fitted in?  
  I worked in a Harley shop for 3 years. Miserable job and boss but he sent me and my wife to a Custom Chrome convention. (CCI is the largest aftermaket vendor in the world)  Stayed in a great hotel, good food and fuck they put on the biggest party ever. Open bar for anything.   I remember most of the evening, but me and the old lady woke up the next day, naked, in a 69 position, her panties on my head.  We still don't know if we fucked or not.  She stole some pretty rocks out of the hotel flower bed........  
  That was a fine bowel movement, he thought.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
     There are more tnan 1,000 chemicals in coffee, of those 26 have been tested, of the 26 1/2 cause cancer in labratory rats.     
  I hadn t smoked in a while, and we were smoking some cheap shit.   After taking a huge hit off of the bong, I decided I needed to go take a shit.   45 minutes later, I m still sitting there, because I can t tell if I m still shitting or not.   My whole body was so numb, I couldn t even feel my asshole.   It felt like I had gravel up my ass.  And on top of this, I was convinced that everyone in the other room was laughing at me, which greatly upset me.   So I started crying, while on the shitter, while stoned out of my mind.   Definetly not one of my finer moments.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the quote starts  slamming the door on the s ten  wanting to stare her stage crying ass down with murder in my eyes i decided to look at her as i had lost her forever cos i had i drove off with her wailing fakely and probably jigging mad joy when i was outta sight but i said i was gonna leave her ass and i did and never looked back period and ends with a but i did fuck her after that  a couple times and ya know she still wants me blahblahblah  cos were all trained jellospines and when lust says so we leap through ringsofire id pay to hear johnny cash say some shit like that or maybe william burroughs yeh smokey willy would do quite nicely           
  After watching these "Perfect Game" replays of people beating games like Mario 1 and 3, the origional zelda, castlevania 3, etc etc insanely fast and without dieing or taking a single hit in any game i have realized one thing...  Japenese people have ENTIRELY too much free time.   
  There was a report in the New Zealand Hearald (the paper with the biggest circulation in the country) that said:   men who ejaculated 5 or more times a week were 1/3 less likely to get prostate cancer  A coworker read this out in the lunch room and my immediate response was   "who doesn't shoot a load 5 times a week?"  The gathered women having their lunch had a hearty laugh. When I followed up with    "Seriously, I feel a failure if I don't get off 5 times a day" they laughed some more.  I wasn't trying to be funny  
  You know who's lowbrow?  Dave Attell.  Yeah.  
  In college (I'm 19 or 20 years old) this crazy skank is ALL OVER ME to be her boyfriend.  She jumps & humps me with no regard for our personal safety (hey... with that attitude I thought *she* was taking care of the birth controll).  Two months later we're broken up, THEN she tells me she's pregnant.  Neither of us can really afford the abortion ($350), so we agree to split the cost.  I have the cash (my next month's rent & grocery), she doesn't, so I put up the whole $350.  After the fact she tells me she thinks it's all my fault anyway, so she isn't going to pay her half.  I sued the bitch in town court (small upstate NY college town).  It never went to the judge.... she paid up once she was served the subpoena.  
  Ways to be White Trash:   Working for the city   trailers   el Caminos   drinking in the desert   having relatives in jail   having a perm (bonus: you re a man)   Pick-up Trucks   K-mart cowboy boots   K-Mart anything   Dining out  means McDonalds   Ratt T-Shirts   Tails (Bonus: on toddlers)   Feathered Hair   Puffy-Painted T-Shirts   Drinking Hamms or Keystone   Plastic Lawn animals   Cameros   Iroc-Z s   Carports   Circle-K   3 1/4 Sleeves   Rent-to-Own   Tv Talk Shows   Home Shopping   Reading the Enquirer (Bonus: believing it)   Psychic Hot lines   Duke Boys   Working Construction   Dogs with handkerchiefs   Elvis   Acne   Landscaping   Flying-V Guitars   Chewing tobacco   Arcades   Roller Rinks   Bowling Alleys   Suburbs   Mormons   Malls   Strip Malls   Mac  n Cheese   Laundry mats   Ground beef   bait shops   Gitano   70 s Muscle Cars (Bonus:Primered)   Frozen Peas   Atari 2600   Britannia   Nintendo   Line-Dancing   Scrunch Socks   WindBreakers   Members-Only   Hustler Magazine   Jesse Helms   Jesse James   Pork chops    Fat - Free  or  Lite    Leg Warmers   Station Wagons   SafeWay   Motorhomes   Radio Shack   2-step dancing   CB s   Led Zepplin   Pink Floyd   Long Hair   Jeans with the Knees worn out   Wranglers   Fuzzy Toilet Seat covers   Backyard BBQ s   Dirt Bikes   Unicorns   Chef Boyardee   Viet Nam Vets   Jean Jackets   Arena Concerts   K-Mart family portraits   TV s with Rabbit Ears   Toilets as yard-ornament planters   Pork n  Beans   Hungry Man Dinners   Bible Belt   Milk Crates as Furniture   Love songs   Alabama   Oklahoma   Arizona   Country Music   Jimmy Swaggert   Kentucky   Heavy Metal   Denim Mini-Skirts (bonus: Acid-Washed)   Revlon Cosmetics (the goodStuff)   Jaqueline Smith Clothing   Kathy Lee Gifford   Pet Portraits   Lard   cigarette Clothing   Duffel Bags   Pit Bulls   8 Tracks   War Movies   Conan   Having 16 children   The electrical spool as coffee table   Smoking Marlboro Reds @ age 12   Doughboy swimming pools    - grease@greasedlightening.com   ----------------------------------------                  FUCK YOU          
  Naturally, going to college at this place, I didnt get to choose my roomates. I was fine with my first roomate (I had two), until i started getting cold sores on my mouth because the pecker was using my toothbrush after he lost his. He thought we were 'cool like that'.  The second, he's on another level with my hatred. At first i thought it was just me...some sort of primal darwinistic instinct telling me that since he is pimply, fat and all around worthless, that i shouldnt tolerate him. I am still not sure if that is just mother culture whispering in my ear.  But no, the second one is self-centered, impish, and very difficult to deal with. He smells like a unwashed harry asshole all the time. I could kill him, i think sometimes. Or at least banish him, chained to a rock where his liver gets eaten out every day. I want this sort of ancient fury to be unleashed on him, he draws that much hate out of me. Where a greek god when you need one?   
  I dumped my ex because I wanted to see other men.   Now I am seeing this other guy - come to find out, the sex is not as good as it was with my ex. My ex was much more well ENDOWED. But I LIKE the new guy better. And he's better at oral sex.   I think I will go back for one more round of goodbye sex with ex-man - keep feedin' the new guy & help him improve in the movement johnson department.  I'm so bad.       
  Spending half an hour trying to figure out how come when you try to post a moment without an email addy, it kicks back with a scold, but then you read a few and notice some don't have any addy at all, not even a blatantly fake one.  Lowbrow inspires tech curiousity, there's a headline for you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever been awakened by the smell of casserole?         
  So, I'm in this upscale, sea-side restaurant, using the john, taking my time. Small bathroom, lock-the-door-behind-you kind. And the whole time, this kid is knocking on the door, saying to his dad waiting with him, 'Dad, I gotta go! Dad, I gotta go!!' I was amused - kind of a Norman Rockwell moment I thought.  So, I finally finish up, and open the door and, chuckling, exclaim to the middle aged guy outside the door,  'Boy's gotta GO!!' and walk away. He looks at me strangely and walks in the bathroom. No kid behind him.   Oops - guess they got tired of waiting...    
  I'm sitting with friends, drinking on a porch.  A couple gets out of a van agruing.  "I haven't got anyone", she screams.  "You got me, you stupid bitch", he yells back.  
  When she brought her Aussie fiance back to America to meet her folks, they all went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse.  And thought it was appropriately hilarious.  
  I was in a buddy's wedding, he was marrying a girl from college not an attractive girl, but "one in the hand..."  We were at the rehersal and her sister who I was walking with said, in front of everyone, "I sure hope I don't trip and fall"  I replied "I will laugh and point if you do!"  She runs of crying, and this was no track star run either as I remember.  Low brow moment coming...  "She has two prosthetic legs, you ass!" said the groom  
  Sitting on the floor of his room, clinking through CD jewel cases, he asked me, "Are you kinky?"  The first thing that came to mind was, "What, like Rick James?"  He got mad and said no, like i had ruined his fantasy.  
  One night while in college I was at a friends house smoking dope.  We were all pretty baked and I snuck into the kitchen to find something to chow.  In the orange glow of the dim refridgerator bulb I procured a jar of strawberry jam and proceeded to spoon it onto bread - within a minute I had downed three slices and felt pretty good about it.  Then while reaching to put the jam back I saw something in the jar and held it up to the tiny hot fridge bulb - growing on a little patch of unexcavated jam was a fine patch of glue and green mold thick as cotton.  I was so stoned I didn't care.  And most importantly I didn't get caught.    
  Apple beer is a local drink, non alcoholic, basically carbonated apple juice. It's ok, but nothing special. I cannot drink this because of an incident where my then gf looked at me with lusty eyes and requested that I fuck her with the bottle. Well, I do so, she's enjoying herself, moaning, groaning, and generally getting off on it and she motions for me to rub her asshole. Again, I do. She looks at me, moaning, and says "More in the ass." I will never hear that phrase spoken aloud again, but that's what I hear everytime I see an apple beer bottle.  
  I went to a residential high school so when kids acted up, they were given certain punishments by the authority figures to mimic those that might be given at home. One such punishment was called an 8 o'clock.  You were stuck in your room from 8 o'clock at night until 7 o'clock the next morning. I felt sorry for people that got stuck with these curfews and would go talk to them at their window.  One time two of my friends came with me.  It was a guy with an 8 o'clock.  He asks us to show him our tits.  We comply. Next night, another guy has an 8 o'clock.  We show him our tits.  This becomes a regular thing until my two friends and I are known as the 8 o'clock angels. Needless to say, we were the most beloved girls in that entire school.  (When I got an 8 o'clock I was greeted at my window by the sight of at least 8 guys mooning me in gratitude)  
  Count the lowbrow moments in this true story:  Working a summer farm job one year in college, I realized I had crabs.  I had identified the bastards by finding them in a little book.  Whether I had gotten them from one of the girls I had been  hanging out  with that summer or from sitting buck naked in a field (can you catch them this way?)  I never did find out for sure.    Called the local pharmacy:   do you have anything for crabs?   They tell me the name of the stuff which fifteen minutes later I arrive to shoplift.  Successfully.  Back at the farmhouse (everyone is in the fields)  I shave my pubes.  My sun browned belly and legs make the hairless white patch glow ghastly like zombie skin.  Smear this crap all over my balls ect. and sit on the couch naked waiting for it to take effect (do NOT dress or rinse for 30 minutes).  Bored and naked I throw a porn (one of the farmer s many) into the VCR and halfheartedly beat it.  Yuck, I know.  But I must have had the volume up too loud because with NO warning whatsoever, farmer s girlfriend is at - and entering - the front door.  In an amazing 3 seconds I manage to:  1) turn off the vcr, 2) cover my standing cock and glowing white crotch with a throw pillow.  However I forgot to turn off the tv which immediately displayed roaring white noise.  Said girlfriend walks in and sees me sitting there and says  hey what s going on?   In truth I was just about to tell her.  Fuck it - we all get caught once or twice.  But suddenly from my mouth came these words:   Cable went out again.  Just this moment.  She nods and glances at my crotch and looks around the room suspiciously.  I m waiting for her to admit she knows what s   really  going on but she never does.  In fact she somehow never did (I later would learn for sure).   She stood there chatting with me oblivious to my blushing and sweating and finally left.  PS we didn t even have cable.  By the day s end my underwear were speckled with the carcasses of a zillion dead crabs much to my pleasure.  Though I itched madly for 10 more days as my pubic hair grew back.  And this is pretty much the end however let me add one footnote:  Just after having shaved my pubes, the farmers succulent little sister (18 - 19?) and her girlfriend, stopped by and caught me naked and glowing hairless in the kitchen.   And though we would all like to see this story go a certain direction at this point, they only wanted me to buy them booze.  Ah life in lowbrow.  
  Definitely NOT the Waldorf Astoria!  Having driven from Cincinnatti to Kent, Ohio, I was worn out. I found a hotel and made my way to my room. In the closet, there was a panel that covered some ductwork that was embedded in the wall, but the panel was askew. Curious as to what was inside, I slid the panel back. I found a penis pump and a tube of Astroglide. I phoned the front desk and asked if sex toys were complimentary with the room, and the girl at the desk was obviously confused by the queation. I explained the situation to her. She and another girl came to my room and removed the Astroglide and the penis pump, and after they left, I spent the rest of the evening chuckling to myself at their expressions.  
  There were pork sausages, yes, the kind you eat on a kaiser roll (seeds optional).  There was a blender full of homemade frozen Pina Colada drinks.  The sausages were cooked...mostly.  The drinks were drank.  "Come on, let's go!" I prodded.  "Hang on a sec." His reply.  Spew. Wretch. Vile and weakening.  I felt for him.  The undercooked sausage and frozen Pina Coladas were not akin to his fragile palate.  We left and then we arrived.  She saw us.  Him, actually.  She threw her arms around him and kissed him ever so deeply.  "I just YACKED!" he exclaimed, a widening grin winking at her from his sickened maw.  The look on her face.  Dear God.  The look on her face.  
  Overheard on the radio in a convenience store (I didn't catch the comedian's name):  "...and I just heard that after six NY policeman were arrested for sodomizing Abner Louima with a floor lamp (sic), the NYPD decided to require its officers to take 'sensitivity training.' "Whoa! NY cops need 'sensitivity training' in order to know it's bad to ram a floor lamp up someones [bleep]!"  
  I was talking to my best friend in the whole world, a goat named Sue, when suddenly out of nowhere, came a train. OK....it wasn't a train. It was actually a car but they sound alike don't they? Anyways, out of this car steps a gigantic thin man named Dylan Bob. I'm not sure if that's his real name. That's what he told me. It sounds fake though. Faker than his breast implants, which were actually real and not breast implants at all but actually balloons in his pockets. He got out and asked "hey boy (which was weird cause I'm a girl), how do you get to Lolawallabobuckittybaba?" I pointed north east and on he went. I knew it was actually north west and north east was how you got to the edge of the universe but oh well. He won't be missed.  
  So i went on a tour of the Simplot Potato factory in Caldwell, Idaho for a school project.  Somewhere in the large and scary gauntlet of machinery, there was a guy measuring the width of the french fries by hand.  He not only lives in Caldwell, Idaho, but he measures the width of french fries for a living.  I suddenly felt much better about myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I proposed to my wife while on a canoe trip.  When she said "yes", I said "Good, because if you said no, i'd have to drown you."  She did not find the humor in that.  
  I was in a small town in North Carolina this past weekend, and I was pumping gas.  I looked up on the billboard they have there, and it read:  GOD HAS NO RELIGION!  It changed my life.  
  "I want you and a bath tub full of grits, baby," is the best pickup line for a waffle house waitress, ever. Especially when you say it to them in a pirate accent. ~puck~  
  Grocery clerk entry #11: Beginning of the day.  2 registers open.  The D cup hottie w/ hard nips came to my line while the 2 white-shirt mormon missionaries went to the other one.  I knew it was going to be a good day.  
  I got fired today. CCTV camera made it look like I was pinching from the till. The reality of it (which they don't believe) is that I was scratching my arse..  I was fired for arse scratching. Bugger.  
  So i was playing counterstrike at 4 in the morning last night.    I had a dozen brandy's at that point.  I looked down at my keyboard and saw a key that I thought said, "Ait"  I thought to myself, is that the ghetto key, like instead of enter you press the aight key?  Then i realized it was just the alt key with a bit of crap on the l.  God I'm a wastoid  
  he called me at 2 in the morning.  i thought he was calling to see if i was okay.  how strangly considerate, i thought.  how nice.  he called to ask if i stole his cheese.  five pounds of cheese.  yes, i sighed, i stole five pounds of cheese from your apartment.  right.  because i really needed five fucking pounds of cheese.  oh, and i'm fine, thanks.  he called again at 3.    "are you sure you didn't take the cheese?"  
  Downtown, Vancouver, 12:32am.  A 250-pounder naked drunk started fist-fighting cops.  As other cops rushed to the situation, that blob of flesh started running away and escaped into the nearby MacDonalds and quickly ordered a vanilla ice cream.    You should've seen the expression on the face of the girl at the counter.    
  I have no trash bags, and I hate bugs.  while seemingly unrelated at first, the combination of the above two variables has led to my newest descovery in home care and cleaning...   pizza crusts CAN be flushed  My next experimantal flushing involves a condom and the eternal question, "to wrap(with TP) or not to wrap?" Although I think I should wait until Im back at college so that my 'rents dont find a failed flush.  
  College formal, senior year.  Neither me or my best friend managed to get any that night because our dates were too drunk.  It's about 4 AM and she's vomiting at my apartment.  Vomit is brown and red. She's worried.  "Holy shit," I think, "maybe she's bleeding into her stomach."  Then we realized it was the chocolate-coated strawberries.   
   Sings That Your Second Marriage Should End #13   I'm posting this stuff in realtime. This is a continuation from last night's post (to summarize):  I walk out. Ignore her screams of righteous outrage. Take her car anyway. Drive over to my friend Patrick's house, stay awhile, leave ... but the car is gone.  I walk home, and her car is in the driveway.  I park it several blocks away.  I expect to be awakened early tomorrow by a righteous, outraged, soon-to-be ex-wife, demanding to know where her car is.  Tune in tomorrow for the next episode.   (This is really down-in-the-trenches stuff, but it'll be familiar to at least some of you) Three hours after I post that last one, I'm awakened at 5am by banging and screaming outside. The whole motorhome is rocking back and forth. I open the door a crack:  She: " Where the fuck is my car!!!!   Me: "Hunh? I figure you took it from Patrick's last night. Didn't you?"  She: " Don't give me that shit! Where is my fucking car! You're not getting away with this! I'll have this fucking motorhome towed out of here today, I fucking will!"  Me: "Well, OK, if you must. But I've no idea what you're talking about. I swear on my mother's grave that I didn't take your car."  That  really/b> gets her going, since she recently welched on that selfsame vow, and she knows why I said exactly that.  she storms out, walks over to Patrick's and back, but of course her car wasn't there.  In the meantime, I have the first real conversation I've had in months with her sullen little daughter. I get her to open up by asking her if she has any ideas on why I shouldn't call the police with a domestic violence complaint.  She: "Hunh? She didn't hit you!"  Me: "No, but she threatened to tow my home out from under me, and that qualifies. I checked."  So we finally have an actual conversation that doesn't involve her parroting the same screaming nonsense her mother has devolved into spewing.  When her mom comes home, out of breath and out of control, I mention calling the police, and she runs to get to the phone first to call them and get her complaint (whatever the hell that would be) in first.  My five year-old joy wakes up, saying: "Why are you  calling the police?"  I take him out to the motorhome to play Tonka Monster Trucks (lots of fun), and leave the phone with her.  But somehow, the police don't get called.  When we go back in, she asks quietly: "OK, what will it take to get my car back?"  Me: "How about you promise, in writing, to not tow or sell my home out from under me."   She: "I already took that back!"  Me: "OK, how about you figure out how much you've spent on toys for the boyses in the last month, and give me that much. I'll promise to only spend it on toys for him."  She figures it out, then hands me $21 (more money than I've seen in a month).  What follows is a bit of a mystery to me, since I'm not usually so confrontational, but later in the day, she makes me a cup of tea, invites me out to see "Spiderman" with the rest of the family (I declined, but just because I don't like movie theaters), and hands me another $20 without asking.  Lesson learned: Confrontational is good? I hope not. Watch this space for the next episode. 05/25/02  
  There was a disk on my wall for emergencies.  Someone asked why it was there, so I wrote 'DOS BOOT' on it.  People still asked why it was there, so I wrote 'NOT A SUBMARINE' to avoid any confusion.  
  Don't you just love those carpet store commercials on tv that ask "do you want high quality and low prices."  No sirree, I prefer low quality and hi prices.  
  The thing that pisses me off more than anything else about life is the 30 second law.  It takes so much time and hard work to get anything worthwhile, and all it takes is 30 seconds or less to set you so far back it seems you'll never catch up, or ruin your whole life completely.        
  One day I was bored so I went to the garage to look for fun. What I found was a TV box and a hand-cart, or dolley to the layperson. So I put the box on the hand-cart and my little brother in the box. My dog wanted to come, so i put him in too. I then proceded to push the hand-cart down the road and shortly thereafter a little girl approached me, Barbie doll in tow. "What's in the box?" she asked full of youthfull exuberance. My dog barked. The little girls eyes lit up:"PUPPIES?" "Yes", I replied,"Would you like to see them?" "UH-HUH", was her reply. As if on cue my little brother popped out, just like a jack-in-the-box. The little girl's eyes grew as large as dinnerplates, and she shreiked loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. Deciding that it was time for this bird to fly, I took off for home, and I never saw the girl again.  THE END P.S. Today is one of those days when you are semi-solid, so go play in traffic.  
  All things said and done pretending to be a member of the opposite sex becomes a drag.  No pun intended.  
  Good God, my boyfriend has THE worst tasting pre-cum (and cum, I'm sure, but God help me, I'd staright out vomit if he ever came in my mouth).  He eats a lot of meat, and virtually no fruit... ipso facto, it's like bitter-lemon-soy-sauce-egg-whites-with-extra-salt.  Some guys have no right to complain about the way a woman tastes, let me tell you (I'm sure you other ladies-- and, of course, some men-- can commiserate).  A single drop of pre-cum and, completely out of my control, my head flys back and I naturally start a spitting/gagging manuever, like cat with some comic hair ball.    Talk about a mood killer...  
  Once my friend Dave was living in Scotland, he had very lttle money being a student, which didn't really fit with his high tolerance for imbibing alcoholic beverages. He's not a dipso or anything he just likes to drink. Anyway he had spent the last few pounds of his weekly pittance on a cheap bottle of red wine. When he was opening the bottle, it broke and the wine went on the floor. This was to be his last drink for a few days... Not to be outdone Dave mopped up the wine with a cloth and squeezed it out into a pot. Feeling that this maybe wasn't such a healthy choice as there would probably be small shards of glass in the wine, he filtered it through a woolly sock before he drank it. Reckons he recovered 95% of the wine.  You probably reckon I don't have a friend called Dave...   
  I just recieved some very sad news. My friend's cat "Sutra" (the pisscat) just died of old age.  Although it urinated on me numerous times and stunk and I'm pretty sure it hated me, I do feel very sad.  I'm going to really miss that cat...  
  After a beer-league softball game, I am standing by our sponsor's dance floor.  Next to me is a 50 year old guy doing some of the smoothest dance moves I have ever seen. I watch for a while and smile at him. He comes up to me and makes an indecent proposition. Oh, yeah, I need to add that I am a straight male and this is a local's bar.  I turn to one of my teammates, Big John, and tell him, "That old guy just asked me to suck his cock."  Big John (6'4", 350 lbs) walks over to my harasser and yells at him, "Stay away Bitch. He s mine."  What could I do? I got up on tippy toes and gave John a big wet kiss on the cheek.    
   What Is Empathy?  Couple weeks ago, I posted a couple moments about 9 miners in Pennsylvania who were trapped for days, but managed to get rescued in a million-to-one shot. I seriously hope TJay doesn't post them, because they're really embarrassing. The only LowBrow moment I claimed was that I spent days crying uncontrollably about their fate, and their rescue. Just today, I realized that that event coincided with me running out of my Paxil (similar to Prozac) perscription. Aah, human empathy. We're all chemical creatures, after all, aren't we?  
  I snake an eye open. Pitch black outside. I think: "Good. Took care of that day." I don't suppose this can continue for very long...  
  He looked at the room for the last time. It was a room he had spent years in. Eons, really.  He took a deep breath. He looked around. He took a deep breath, again. Then another, then another.  Then he realized. He was having an asthma attack  
  this morning on my way to work, the thought came through my head...   did i wash the soap out of my crack and under my balls?    i didn't remember, so as i'm driving, i'm leaning from side to side to see if it's slippery down there.   i then decided to stick my hand down my pants.    no soap.   i gotta stop drinking heavily the night before work    
  I thought I was done drinking for the night because my six pack was gone.   Then I remembered the wine rack.  Oh, the wine.  
  It was halloween my freshman year of high school.  The scariest costume was my 300 pound biology teacher wearing full star trek spandex and pointing her phaser at everyone.  She soon hobbled out the door when i decided it was appropriate to anounce that she most closely reselmlbed the next /two/ generations.  she didnt think it was very funny.  
  Aaaah, the first time I ever got high.  Had a deal with my Mom, that if I didn't do drugs until after I graduated highschool, I'd get $1000.  I made it, no problem, but it sure didn't stop me from hanging out with potheads.  My good friend Adam decides that he want to "pop my weed cherry."  We get into his mom's Benz SUV, and cruise around.  It tasted like burnt popcorn, and gave me the worst pasties I've ever had in my life.  I drank Sprite and all I could feel was the sugar sticking to my teeth.  I now have a taste for burnt popcorn.  
  I'm at a bachelor party, it was lame because the groom didn't want a stripper, so the best man brings over loads of porn.  As we're watchin and jokin about the abuse this broad was taking, one guy blurts out "And look at the huge vein on that guys cock!"  Everyone, including the groom, left five minutes later.  
  We were in the woods with my pants down around my ankles.   The mosquitoes were thick in the air.  She thought it was wierd that I kept swatting my ass like some kind of horse.  My butt ended up itching like hell and looking like the chicken pox.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There she lays on the hood of the car (like so many before her) And all I can think of is "Do I need to get my front-end aligned?"  But I guess that's why she's here.      
             Digusting Subway Moment #2   Our local subway (parksville, for those who care) has a bad history of making people sick via their seafood sub. I've had three different people tell me they all got sick there.     I went for food one night at about a half-hour before closing. The first thing we noticed was the not one, but two piles of vommit, one right by the door and one in the adjacent parking stall.      Im sure the clerks knew. Fat nasty cow-whores  
  Cardboard sign around the neck of a dirty homeless man- "Tell me off for a dollar." Classic. Second only to the United Negro Pizza Fund guy in front of Two Boots.  
  So I was bored one day and getting ready to leave for dinner with some friends and my room mate has his girl friend over so I decided to leave my webcam on and record the whole thing. Imagine my disappointment when I watched the play back and all they did the whole time was lay on his bed and watch a tape of Friends episodes. That's what you get for having an accounting major for a room mate.  
     I work in a stodgy business office.  Today, an Elle Mcpherson lookalike came in braless and with a low cut blouse.  Man, that is sexual harrassment to me.  To come into a formal office dressed like a penthouse pet.  I ran into the bathroom and masturbated!     
  One day I was joking around with a female coworker. She bought  this weird blue gum that comes in a bottle and looks like chiclets. We were trying to see how much gum we could fit in our mouths, while laughing hystericaly. When she reached her limit she began drooling blue spit down her face. For some reason it turned me on. She then spit out the wad into a paper cup followed by a long trail of saliva. When she left the room I went in the trash, picked up the paper cup and emptied it into my mouth  
  At Neil's 20th birthday, in Edinburgh, nobody else showed up at the pub to celebrate.  Neil quickly got maudlin, so I suggested we write a poem to cheer him up.  Odd suggestion, since neither of us had ever done it before, and rarely since. However, we had a grand time writing it. (If you can't understand the dialect, just rent "Trainspotting" again.)    On Turning Twenty  Amnae feelin' very braw, Drinking pints, and that's not a' Blowing smoke rings at the wa' I cannae get my hole at a'  Bein' twenty's no such fun, Soon, I'll be suburb-uran, Bowler hat an' morning run, By Christ, it's better when you're young!  Now I'm old, and on the brink, I find it awfy sore to think, On all those luscious mounds of pink, I'll never touch again.  For who will have a sad old soul, Wi' Brewer's Droop* and dirty shirt, Toothless grin an' gawky stare, They willnae want me any mair.  Dinnae you wish your time away, It is sae short, so make it gay, Get it up them while you're young, Please mark my words, MY time has come.   -------------------  *Brewer's Droop is the condition where constant imbibing of alcohol causes impotence.  
  Punchline that doesn't need a joke:  "No, but the dog was happy."  
   The moment:    Driving home, this girl is fondling my  peepee trough my pant as I drive.    Her   "If you didn't have morals, you'd stop right here and fuck me"    Me   "I don't have any morals, I'm just a fucking wuss, that's all."    I gotta work on this honesty thing. I think it's killing peepee.    - lewis_gmb@gmb.com    ahem  Your "peepee"?  Your " peepee "??!?  For God's sake, man!  Have some fucking dignity!  Call it your dick, cock, prick, tool, wang, johnson, member, tubesteak, piece of pork, wife's best friend, woody, willy, stiffy, dong, helmeted warrior, one-eyed trouser snake, pleasure pole, sausage, purple-headed yogurt slinger, anything but a "peepee".  Hell, if you can't remember any of these, call it your penis.  Even that's better than "peepee".  Jesus!    
  I await the day when "I'll give you five dollars if you use this nosehair clipper in your ass" actually works. And when that day comes, I hope I don't actually have five dollars.  
  The conversation rolled around to the fact that I'm not allergic to poison oak.  Don't know why, but it's never affected me.  They came back with the normal "oh, I hate you"s and the like, till one of my buddies said that I'd better be careful.  "You know, since you're not affected by poison oak, you gotta be careful cuz you can still pass it on.  Think about it, if you fuck someone and give them poison oak and they haven't been around it, they'll think that you gave them a rash and you won't fuck them again.  Then again, if you fuck someone and give them poison oak, that is such a lowbrow moment, and you have to post it."  My response: "Well, I guess I better go post, then."  You see, me fucking someone and giving them poison oak was what brought my immunity back into mind.  Actually, she got it  as a result  of me fucking her; apparently in a patch poison oak.  Hey, don't blame me; I  was  in Boy Scouts, and I remember the sage advice: leaves of three, let it be.  But hey, when you're horny, looking for a place, and watching for people at the same time, you're  not  looking for "leaves of three."  
  I'm really into BDSM.  When  I was new to the whole thing I put out a personal ad on a BDSM specific site and got a ton of answers to "24yo sub begs for harsh Master" or something like that.  MANY of the answers were completely unrelated to any area of BDSM.  One guy who answered talked about nothing but being a nudist and getting me to go with him to nudist areas.   I was so pissed at him and all the lovey-dovey fucks who kept responding that I took my ad down.  So, which was more pathetic/low-brow?  Me and my ad trying to find someone to beat the crap out of me, or them and their pathetic attempt to use a sexual kink that they didn't have to get a new "girlfriend"?  I say them.  
  I'm 12, 6th grade, and I get on the bus to go to school.  Never been in trouble on the bus in my life.  That's cuz I sit behind the driver.  Five minutes into the trip, I look down and spot what looks to be a piece of tissue paper wrapped around a pea-sized object.  I use the toe of my show to move it and I smash it abainst the back of the bus-driver's seat...and *POW!*.  It was a cap bomb.  Never seen one of those in my life!  Scared the snot outta me.  The bus driver too.  He kicked me off the bus mumbling something about 'little trouble-making bastards'.  My dad heard about it, and now I don't get to watch TV...for life.  Is Lassie still on?  
  We saw her fast asleep on the couch in the lounge with her butt in the air.  My friend and I giggled and conspired to fling mayonaise on the rear of her pants.  When she woke up, we'd tell her  what Miguel (minger) did while she was asleep.  She could check in the mirror for proof, if she wanted.   So I got some mayonaise in the cafeteria and layed it out carefully on the spoon.  I was just entering the lounge when we came face to face.  Hiding the spoon behind my back, I waved bye.  The moment she passed me, however, I turned around and launched one desperate mayonaisey fling.  The sound of mayonaise droplets hitting her leather jacket was loud.  She turned around with a look of shock on her face.  Her entire back was covered in a fine mayonaise spray.  I laughed.  When I was done lauging, I apologized and helped her clean up.  Man, high school is fun.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've noticed a disturbing trend. Seems everytime I have a conflict with someone of importance to me I've either left the contry for extended periods of time(4-5 months) or picked up and moved 4 or 5 hours away. I don't think this is very heathy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My ninth grade English teacher. She not only led me to my "plateau of learning" but she taught her students real life. She said she didn't NEED to teach; she taught because she wanted to. In the 50's, that was really unusual for a woman. She showed us females how to have an easy birth. She said, "Just tuck your buttocks in when you walk." Then she demonstrated how to do it. There was shock on the other student's faces as they watched her walk across the classroom. Me? I had my chin in my hand, looking at her and listening very carefully. A very good decision on my part.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work in a retro store, we sell neat things there, like finger traps.   Every day I have to free about 5 people, usually in their early 20's from said traps. They just don't get it, sometimes, I have to go back and free them a second or third time. I'm thinking about charging for the priveledge of freedom. Don't look at me like that, they deserve it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Remember this, kids: just because something looks like it could go in your ass doesn't mean it should.   I'm still crapping Oscar Meyer.   
  I was so angry at him that I pissed on his toothbrush one night.  The next morning, after I saw that he'd used it, I felt bad and bought him a new one.  The old one was old and nasty, so he thought nothing of it.  A week later, we fought again, and I pissed on his new toothbrush.  There wasn't a handy excuse for replacing that one, so I didn't.  Besides, I'm still kind of mad at him.  
  "If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had some eggs."  -Jesse Helms  Defines Socilaism.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Christmas party at the bosses house.   Everyone suspects that him and the other manager are fucking. She is very cute, very sexy, a Slovakian girl with a beautiful body and delicate lisp. I spend the party feeling her ass, reaching her cunt through the spandex, from the rear, every chance I get.   At one point,  I even call the boss over, and ask, "Doesn't Sxxxxx have the nicest ass?"   Everyone is too drunk to be offended, but I'm dead sober and completely serious.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting around watching The Simpsons at work (video store) when I hear my co-"worker" start to raise his voice. Turns out he's yelling at some old woman with a walker. And what does he say to her as she is scraping her way out of the store?: "Would you mind hurrying it up? You're getting in the way of my customers."  Oh how I did laugh.    
  I was at Johnny Rocket's Hamburgers  with my date.  I put in a nickel, pushed a few buttons, and hit the juke box like The Fonz.  Then I realized that I selected "My Girl".  
   I'm watching some stupid human interest story on the news while waiting for some other programme to come on and it's about some children who can speed read.  My brother walks into the room to see some 14 yr old kid tracing down the page really quickly, a look of disgust crosses his face and he says "Those kids think they can read really fast" in the most sarcastic tone i have ever heard. I reply "actually they can read really fast" he gets even more annoyed "oh i suppose thats the National Speedreading Association is it". To this i simply reply "yes". He leaves the room defeated once more.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have to resist the powerful urge to put on my college applications that one of my achievements is giving a busty girl a rasberry* on her tit, and the next morning when i tried to apologize for my drunken inappropriate behavior she told me there was nothing to be sorry for. because that honestly is one of the crowning achievements of my life.  * a rasberry is like when you put your open mouth on your arm and blow so it makes a fartlike sound.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know this guy who really hated his boss.  One night he decides to eat 5 or 6 whole bulbe of roasted garlic, and have a big gassy lunch the next day.  One of his co-workers was also in on it.  The next day, after holding in all that gas all morning, while the boss was out to lunch, they went into his private office, shut the door, and LET LOOSE!  When they figured he's be back soon, they left, closing the door tightly behind them.  
   Outer Hebrides Moments #2   Flying the solitary commercial flight in and out of the island of Benbecula once a day must have been one of the less-challenging jobs for an airline pilot.  One of them started to amuse himself by sitting in the passenger compartment and complaining loudly to the other passengers that the pilot should be here by now.  Finally, he would announce he wasn't waiting any longer, sit down in the pilot's seat, start the engines, and fly the plane to its destination.  He got away with this for a long time, until a Member of Parliament visited the island...  
  i worked in a fast food restaurant for over a year  i never once was the employee of the month  
  In the videogame Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, you can, apparently, hold up stores. Jason's telling me this-you go in, take a bead on the shopkeeper, and as they give you money, your wanted level goes up.  At 4 stars, you've taken all the money, but as soon as you quit pointing your gun at the clerk, the alarm goes off, and the cops come blazing.  "So," I say, "Why not just fuckin' shoot the clerk? Problem solved." Jason looks at me like that's a strange new idea. I should never be an acual crimminal.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it's 3 o'clock in the morning, and i'm in kinkos photocopying some things for a presentation the next day.  i meant to ask the attractive guy at the counter for some 'overhead transparencies'.  instead, i somehow manage to combine the two and ask for 'ovaries'.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why does a guy who is 5 inches of man stick in a 9 inch vibrator BEFORE we fuck?  Does he think that's going to TIGHTEN up the cootchie? I mean hell I'm not going to complain, it feels good for me, but really that's just putting us both in for some major disapointment.  Damn, I just need to find bigger dicks to fuck...sign one you've reached TRUE whore status.  
  I shop at the salvation army very frequently, and as a result, i have collected a large number of uniforms from companies i have never worked for.  now i commute every day on the train.  the other day i was wearing a shirt that used to belong to the company that runs the trains, and i looked quite official.  some thug was blocking the aisle by leaning oh-so-cool over the armrest of the seat.  i asked him to "excuse me" twice before i bumped my crotch into his head.  he started to protest, spouted the "fuck" word at me, then looked at my shirt.  i told him to exit the train at the next stop.  he did.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         writing me a beer inspired poem 5 years ago does not mean i will remember your name today.  oddly, i will rememeber the worn, faded ring on you back jean pocket left by that nasty can of chew.  
  I was 12 or 13. We were going on vacation. My parents told me they were putting the family dog, Lucy, in a kennel.  We get back from the vacation.  A week passes.  I say to my parents, "So, when is Lucy getting out of the kennel? She's been there a long time."  They exchange glances and say, "Well, ya see son, we had Lucy killed. She's never coming back home."  They didn't even lie and say she was sleeping.  
  Listen, I had sex last night, and while I'm not complaining (hey, I got off) I do feel bad because I can't make my girlfriend come through penetration.  I want to be like those studs that fuck for 30 minutes and the women come their brains out six or seven times.  A guy like Peter North.  Have you ever seen that guy fuck?  He is an animal...dick is huge, he blows a load like a shotgun.  It's hard to believe.  People tell me, "Oh those movies are so fake, the girls are acting and the guys don't really last that long, they just loop the video."  Ok, if those people are acting, then they deserve Oscars more than Russell Crowe.  Can you imagine being able to FAKE that much ecstacy?  You know, sometimes I just wish my girlfriend was one of those nymphos that gets their trigger tripped when the wind blows.  
  When I was 8 years old, my family went to sea world. I was having one of the best days of my adolescent life until my uncle decided to dangle me, head first by mt ankles, over the open shark pit. It is one of the large tanks that you can go underground to look at, or look at it from above.  He said to me, " I don't know if I can hold on, ooooo, I am gonna drop ya"! All the while he kept letting go for a split second.   I was absolutely petrified. I thought to myself, is this the end of my short life? My ass hole uncle is going to drop me into the shark tank and I will be torn to pieces by the unholy creatures of the deep!  I brought this incident up the other day to my uncle at a family gathering. He of course did not remember the most terrifying experience of my childhood,that gave me nightmares for years. Later that day, while we were playing basketball, I "accidentally" broke his nose.  I hate sharks....   
  cheerleaderatyrcrotch  I saaw those naked pics!! nice ass!  
  We had a great idea. To save money in Vegas, all 14 of us decided to share a room.  $5 per person, per night.  The next afternoon, we're all moaning and rolling around, trying to rouse ourselves for another drunken evening.  J goes out to grab some coffee, and when he comes back in, his face is a twisted mask of disgust and confusion.  "God damn.... This room smells like one of the lower circles of hell"  It was still a great idea.  
  --quote-- Been joking about this for a long time, but tonight I finally did it:  Wendy's has a Tripple Quarter Pounder Sandwich...3/4 of a pound of meat and I have been telling ppl that if I ever saw a Quadruple-Quarter-Pounder I would buy it just on principle. (yes that translates as One Pound of meat.)  So tonight I just figured I could ask them to modify an existing burger for me. Aparently they alredy had such a request anticipated - only $00.89 to add another Patty to a burger!  Got fries and a drink to go with it.  I am Stuffed.  - Child_o_Gaia@yahoo.com  ----endquote--  At the wendy's near my house, the menu not only included a grand slam, or some other monstrosity which came as a 4 patty burger, the menu also listed "Double the beef for $.99" or the like (with reference to the bacon double cheese or something. A two of my friends went up, and ordered the triple, and doubled the beef (note, that is 6 patties), I however, being 6'1" and 170, did no such thing. The next time i went back however, i ordered the single, and doubled the beef, she responded, 'so you want a double..?', 'no, i would like a single, and double the beef, its $.50 cheaper'.  they took it off the menu that day.  My 6 patty friends were pissed.   
    Much to my anticlimatic surprise, the junkie's cowardice overcame his usual crass stupidity, and he simply ran away, umbrella in hand (quite a comical sight, I might add). As he lept into his girlfriend's car and they hurredly pulled off, Cutler's younger brother said, "I bet those idiots will be parked right back out here when we come out again."   Goddamn heroine addicts, if you wanna shoot that shit into your veins, fine, go up on the tracks and do it. Don't park your mother fucking car behind the line of trees in front of my house and think I'm not gonna come beat your ass.        
  Is there really a domain called "pootpoot"?  That gets me  every time .        
  As a dyke, I enjoy hanging around with straight men.  We commisserate about our difficulty in getting laid and never mention it's because we hang around with people of the wrong sexual orientation.        
  I went to the cinema with my friend to see Gremlins 2.  We were sat down and he was eating some sweets he had bought from the refreshment stand.    As he sat next down to me he held his hand up with a peanut in his fingers.  I said "thanks", took the peanut and downed it.  The peanut was a bit damp I noticed.  Turned out that it was a peanut M&M which he had surgically removed the shell from with his teeth.  He was just holding it in his hand with his elbow resting on the arm rest while he munched on the shell.  
  "i thought that in those movies and television shows, when they talked about having a coffee break, that they should have a masturbation break. but then again, i think this would decrease productivity."  the perks of being a wallflower.  
  I realize I'm starting to tell jokes just like my father...  And repeating the same stories over and over again...  Why the hell do we have to become our parents???  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Recently a defense lawer was quoted;  "I would rather be the quadraplegic than the person who left him in the car."  bastard  
  pogs... I know pogs, I sold pogs about 8 years ago.  When my supervisor bitched that I was not selling enough of the high priced acrylic "pog keeper" tubes I devised a plan.  No I was not going to pander to braty 8 year olds looking for the newest pog thing... I looked to the glassy eyed 14 and 15 year old mall rats, the unshaven sandal wearing hippie wannabe home on college break and I pointed out to them that these "pog keepers"  in various sizes (up to 5ft tall) with a little creativity made a pretty effective bong... sales went through the roof, I got a raise, pogs went out of style, I was out of a job. good times...  
  Moby's lowbrow moment &#151; yes, Moby, vaunted musician, environmentalist and weird-ass, sort of born again Christian &#151; made his appearance on "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" my favorite episode ever: Moby keeps talking about how we all need to work together to save the world, love each other, bring about peace, stop killing animals, and so on and so on. Space Ghost starts saying over him, "No one cares, Moby. No one cares.: "No one cares, Moby. No one cares." Moby finally winds down, defeated, and mumbles, "I know."  
  I'm a member of the Tom Wopat Fan Club.    
  If you can't tell someone's gender at first glance, it isn't worth a second.  
  For three years, up until 1996, I worked a at a local cafe, no one cared that that all my clothes were from a thrift shop or that I went for months without a haircut. I didn't have much money lived with my parents blah blah blah.....bottom line is, I was happy and thought of my self as a good person.  Now I work at an media firm, making web sites, kiosks and whatever else the clients want. I buy the bulk of my clothing from jcrew or the gap, live in the heart of the city and have never ever before felt like more of a shithead   
  I told my boyfriend I loved him last night.  At least, I think I did.  I was half asleep, and so was he.  It could have been a dream, because he said,   "I love you too."  I was embarrassed about it this morning, so I told him I woke myself up talking in my sleep again, and that I hoped it didn't wake him too.  He just smiled and said he didn't remember waking up at all last night.  Phew.  
  This girl tells me that she is looking forward to all the sex we are going to have after she gets back from her vacation, all I can think is "that depends on how well my date goes while you're out of town."  
  My grandmother got a used rubber stuck to her shoe.  
  My cat wipes its butt on the carpet. We call is "scooting".  
  I have gained weight, and my pants are getting smaller.  So, do I go out and buy new pants?  No.  I wear a belt, and unbutton the waist, hoping the fly doesn't open from the force of keeping my gut in.  
  A friend and I were riding the Metro to meet a 3rd person for lunch when we saw one of the funnier weirdos that we'd seein in a while.  This woman of somewhat dishevled appearance is standing near where we're sitting and singing to herself. At one point she stopped singing and looked about in that kind of way that you do when you're making sure nobody will notice what you do next.  What she does next is unzip the fly on her pants. She didn't unbutton them or take them off, she just quietly unzipped them and returned to singing.  A little while later she zipped them up again.  DC sure has some crazy people.  
  So I just bought a nice new computer. And being the great son that I am, at the request of my mother, I give her my old one. She wants to use it for her ever expanding hobbie of scrapbooking and family photos.  She loads her program, trys to find where her pictures are... clicks C drive. And BOOM! every picture every viewed shows up... 99% porn.   ... I acted very surprised and upset... "Who the hell did this? Who's been on my computer?".  I wonder if she bought it.  And I wonder if she new some of them were of me.  
  Driving With Dave  My buddy Dave was crazy about Elvis. We're double dating with these two girls. Me and my girl are sitting in the backseat of his Impala and he and his girl are in the front seat. He pops an Elvis tape in the deck and his girl wrinkles up her nose and says, "Ew... Elvis!?" He crams the brakes and slides to a stop, reaches over and opens her door and tells her to get out. She protests, "B-b-b-but, I *LIKE* Elvis!" He growls, "It's too late. He doesn't like YOU!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was flipping through The Smithsonian magazine out of sheer boredom at my mom's house one day.  I saw a picture of a polar bear and a seal or otter... I don't know, anyway, the polar bear was leaning down and kissing the seal/otter on the snout.   "OH, how sweet!" I exclaimed. I showed my mom.  Then I realized the seal/otter was bleeding it's guts out and the polar bear was geting ready to eat it.  There are some downsides to optimism.  
  Living with the same partner for over a year, we both have much of the same bacteria running throughout us.   The wonderful part of this is that now, after getting sweaty, my crotch odor smells exactly like my partner's.  Aww yeah.  
  You can now pull rock and roll right down off the Web.  I guess sex and drugs come later.  - john_clavis@yahoo.com   actually, the sex has been available since the dawn of the internet, and the drugs, well... depending on where you live... in canada you can get weed delivered, legally, with a doctor's excuse. in amsterdamn you can just have it delivered. both off of different websites. and in these fine states... well... i got my dealer's email address.  
   I am just biding my time until I can get my vision repaired so I can enlist in the Army. One might wonder why I have kept these plans secret from almost all of my friends, but quite frankly, I'll probably be through basic and jump school before they really notice I'm gone.   They'll be up at college just realizing, through a drug haze no doubt, that one hundred and fifty pounds and five and a half feet of hard-drinking-and-heavy object-lifting sinew, muscle, and bone are missing from their lives. By that time I'll probably be plummeting towards some country they've never heard of with a carbine strapped to my chest, hoping I don't get any of my sexual organs shot off.   But hey man, I figure I'll be out while I'm still plenty young, if for no other reason than that I'd refuse to carry the ridiculous Buck Rogers rifle they plan to start issuing around 2006. OICW my ass.        
  i was getting irritated with the pulsing metallic sound of wind around me. then i realized it's my lungs after smoking 2 packs of cigarettes in 6 hrs.  
  one night my parents invited me and the guy i was seeing to a preformance of a religious ceremony. both my parents would be participating in the ceremony, so it was a pretty solemn and special event. i got all dressed up in a nice velvet skirt, and we all arrived in style and grace. since we arrived early so that my parents could prepare, my guyfriend and i started wandering around the building. it was a big cold college auditorium with classrooms on the floors above, and we quickly went upstairs and started trying out the doors. most of the doors were locked, but one of them swung open. we crept inside and looked around. it was a smallish biology classroom, with a large blockish teachers' desk in the front. there (underneath shelves of dead animals staring at us all glassy-eyed in their jars of formaldahyde) we started to finger each other- first on top of the desk, then scrunched below when we started hearing footsteps.  "i feel like monica lewinsky," i said, sitting under the desk while he leaned back in the swivel chair. he laughed and then ducked under the desk with me. when he came, later, he wiped it on a little cloth bag the teacher had in his or her desk.  
  This is a moment I think I'd blocked from memory until lowbrow brought it bubbling to the surface. (no pun intended)  I was about 4-5 months into a serious relationship. It's right at that point where you are both extremely lovey-dovey, but no where near wanting to share all of your dirty little secrets.  Well, we are out at dinner, and suddenly I'm overcome by a *powerful* urge to use the bathroom. I excuse myself from the table, and make a dash for the men's room. Unfortunately I didn't quite get the trousers down fast enough, and I left a nice juicy deposit in my boxers.  After expunging my load, I'm at a loss for what to do. Somehow in my panic-stricken state I couldn't land on the simple solution to just ditch the boxers, so instead I sit for 5 minutes or so doing my best to clean them out with TP. After doing my best, I layer my britches with TP to avoid any fleshy contact with the dirty drawers.  FINALLY finish up, get the check quickly, and drive back to her place (with the window down) all the while trying to hide my predicament so as not to soil my reputation. I excuse myself to the shower, and have an impromptu boxer washing session in the tub.  A quick shower later, I'm finally back to a confident non-shit-stained-undies state.  To this day I don't think she ever found out.  
  One time on the harry potter website the sorting hat put me into gryffindor. then my friend justin said he was in gryffindor too. i think it puts everyone in there because man would I be dissapointed if I didn't make gryffindor. Think how the 8 year olds would feel if they were in slytherin! they would probably think "I'm evil". There's nothing i can do about it. I'm going to shoot my mom  
  the first time i lost my "anal virginity" was to a man who really didn't know what he was doing; he used the wrong kind of lube, didn't explain how i could enjoy it, and was a little too rough...  the next day, i had to go to a wedding, where my best friend was a bridesmaid...  she preceded to inform everyone that i had finally gotten laid the night before; EVERYONE...  as i walked down the aisle to take my seat, there were more people watching me than had been watching the bride...  having the mother of the bride wink at me as i kept moving due to discomfort during the ceremony was not a high point in my life...  
  so you think youve had a good time at a foam party eh? or better yet you're one of those sad people who wont go to one because you think they are unclean.  a few weeks ago i was at one and im standing there covered in foam really drunk in the dark and i just decide to see what i can get away with, so im standing there dancing and i just decide to piss myself, yep, no one noticed. another success for Chris, making foreigners hate Americans since 1999.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My dad's friend needed a date for the wedding.  He had just broken up with his girlfriend, and his back-up date had fallen through.  Some family problem or some something.   My dad said he should take me. I joked to my friends that my dad was a pimp. So I went.  Just a wedding.  Nothing special.  Crappy food--open bar.   My dad waited up for me. What..He didn't trust me? Parents are so stupid. I just made out with his friend in a K-mart parking lot. The lowbrow part was that I couldn't wait till I got home to post this moment.    
  "I don't mind that you're condemning me for being a prostitute. You'll go home and masturbate to your lesbian porn tonight while fantisizing about buying me for the evening."  said i to the jesus freak across the counter.  
  The note on the table read:  WhOevr left the doG alOn in the House can Clean uP tHe  DEAD FUCKING CAT  Love, Don  
  With my sister in a bar in a famous southeastern college town.  It's not a ferns 'n' brass bar.  It's the kind of place where you can play darts, lounge on red Naugahyde couches, eat free popcorn made by a machine that's never been cleaned, & chomp on free roasted peanuts whose shells you then throw on the floor.  My sister has never been here before.  She orders a Zima.  The bartender laughs. He suggests she go elsewhere.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nobody else wanted the brownies. They were burnt, rock hard, and oily from the huge amount of canola oil needed to cook down two ounces of quality shwag. So my adventurous lady and I say screw it and choke quite a few of them down with ice cream, granola and Busch Lite Draft in the bottle. An hour or so later, in the middle of the first episode of MAD tv, she stops laughing hysterically and bolts for the kitchen. A half hour after that, I stop laughing hysterically and realize she ain't back. Found her under the table bawling like her puppy died. She swore there had to be something else in them brownies, and "what was it? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT MOTHERFUCKER!!??" Man was that a long night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The office girls had just enjoyed a "Girls' Night Out" at a local strip club that also has nude male dancers upstairs.  As the show ended, the giggling, horny women poured from the sweaty room, still marveling loudly at the "size" and "virility" of the dancers thay had just spent an hour ogling.  A group of them passed the stage where my girlfriend danced for a group of sedate, well behaved men.  "Slut," one of the office girls whispered, while casting a nasty glance.        
  Who knew she had a heart under all that sadism?   I met him in a chat room, but when I finally went to visit, he was a lot older and less attractive. He smelled funny. He was poor. He had a defeatist attitude and no fashion sense.  Yet I fucked him anyway.   Pity fucks aren't that great, but I bet they look good on the karmic resume.   - cheerleader@yercrotch.com   Gives me hope for the future of the human race.  
   i laugh to see my dad passed out on the livingroom floor behind me...sleeping like a baby underneath a multicolored afghan...my nin blaring...niceee and loud. I love you trent...I hope you give my daddy sweet dreams.... and i hope they're too sweet...so he can puke them up like he did last week when he woke up on the livingroom floor. mmm...tasty beery cigarettey puke allll over himself...too tired to know what the hell was happening. maybe this is because of my sweet trent.  I'm not quite sure. all i can say is i adore people who smoke and drink and kill themselves before me.  I'm happy i used to...and i'm happy no one cares enough to stop for me. i'm glad everyone cares about everyone. i'm happy.       
  I was wanking one afternoon in the bathroom of a local college during lunch break. I didn't have any material to wank to, so instead I drew women in thongs or sucking cocks and shit on the wall. That didn't work either, as the precious minutes of my lunch hour began to tick precariously towards 1 o'clock.  I was left imagining the porn videos I had recently watched, and some of the stuff I downloaded off the internet. Unfortunately, I forgot to lock the door to the stall. As I realized this, Some person walks into the bathroon; a perfect time, and it turns out that he needs to take a shit as well. Unfortunately for me, I was in the handicapped stall, so he didn't notice my feet and calmly walked in. Even worse, my eyes were closed, my lips puckered, and I held the red sharpie in my hand of which I had used to draw the shit on the walls.  Turns out he was the janitor on HIS lunch break ...  
  "Sorted mate!" he said. Like the crisps, I thought..  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  walking to the hole for the lex express i hear shh shh is there anything that will get your attention faster sshh we dont hafta air that shit out here do we he demmandingly asks her like the fuck we dont says she the tale of how he fucked her pregnant friend and the sordid details that ensued made me think that there really are people who belong on ricki lake and jerry springer and all the imahonoyouaho ifuckedmytwelveyearoldgrandsonsdog shows ok so is that the freudian self sabotage fuck me dance ive read so much about questionmark        
  Remember having that chunky cough where stuff came up from your lungs?  Remember that time you coughed, you feel it leave your throat, but didn't see it pass in front of you?  It was on your chin.  I saw it and didn't tell you.  So other people would see it, too.  
  The lobster party was at the Hollis' that year. Libby dissected her lobster instead of cooking it; pointed out all the key organs to the younger children. She probed with excitement. I was impressionable.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  "Climb up on the old man's knee," my mom the tour director said.  "Put the Santa hat on the old man's head," my dad the photographer said.  "Smile like a big boy," my mom the tour director said.  "Say cheese," my dad the photographer said.  FLASH!!!!  "Get down from Mr. Lincoln's lap," the security guard said.  Our trip to Washington D.C. sure was swell.                
  last nite i was making out with my girlfriend on the couch.  i was going to pull her pants off to go down on her but she was on her period so she laid me on my back on the floor and started to go down on me.  just before she did though, she grabbed the pillow off of the couch and put it under my head. so i could lay my head on something while getting head.  I think i'm in love~!  
  Telling words from the middle of a conversation:  She: How do you know when you are sober?  He: I hurt.  
  I'm lacotose intolerant. So is drinking a gallon of milk then going to a very crowded bus during the peek of morning rush hour considered sadistic?        
  I've never had anal sex, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.  
  I think I know what the problem is.    The Universe is perfect.  It's running fine, and everything is as it should be.  Human rationality is flawed.  Think about that next time you get a pickle in a hamburger, after you specifically requested NOT to get one.      
  i had assumed that it was going to be a lowbrow camping trip from the get-go. how much so i could not possibly have imagined.  first of all, it's canada, and it's february. what better time to go camping.  we drove for about an hour when we realized we were lost. backtracked. drove up some mountain. decided that when we got to the point that the car could no longer go due to not haivng chains that it was time to turn around.  drove down some other road. found a restricted logging road. drove up it.  found a nice clearing on the side of the road, stopped the car, piled out into the snow to begin setting up camp. it was already 11:30PM, dark, cold, and millions of stars above.  smoked pot. looked for kindling. everything was not only WET, but FROZEN.  Chopped down some trees. Sawed and cut up wood. Soaked stuff with lighter fluid. Everything the scouts told me to do. And of course, it wouldnt start.  Smoked more pot and ate some special brownies. I was glad to not be providing any of the weed today. What a waste that would have been.  Sat in the communal tent and ate birthday cake, though the girl the cake was for had already found a few sleeping bags and retired for the night.  Had an option to make out and probably get head from some chick. Figured that I would have to be drunk. Looked for alcohol, found none, made up emotional bullshit to ward her off.  Slept on the side of the logging road at 1' celcius in the snow, inside of a rusty 1986 Volkswagen Golf with no blankets or anything. Ugly chick in the back seat, best friend in driver seat, one wink of sleep total.  It was at that moment I knew I was white trash.  
  Out on a night on the town, D.C., Adam's Morgan to be exact.  Lots of drinking...  Someone bets me $14 to eat a rather large handfull of red pepper sitting innocently on the table at the pizza joint...  I get it all down...instantly on the last swallow i puke all over the sidewalk...  We take a cab to the hotel, me spitting out the window the whole time, breathing in whistles, drinking, swishing whatever liquid i can find, I think the cabbie thought i was spitting in the car..."car full a' drunks, whadd'ya expect"...  Mouth burned like i got maced all night long, but ole Snap-Dad played a good set on his 6 string, and i got 14 bucks, so it was all good    
  The other day I was sitting on the edge of the bed and my husband was standing in front of me, I was giving him a blow job. I happened to look over and see our reflection in the mirror and I thought, "No wonder guys like to watch girls eating suckers....." It looked just like I was sucking on a lollipop.  Blow Pop.....Haha. I bet a man invented them, they are big and fat and have a little surprise inside!  
  A Coca-Cola truck driver is giving me dirty looks as a cross the street with a Pepsi in my hand.  I have to walk past him to get across, and I think  Does this guy have that much job pride that he would run me down for drinking the competition?  Nah, he just revs the engine. Bastard  
  You know what's lowbrow?  The commercials that come on really late at night, around 3 or 4 in the morning.  No, I don't mean infomercials, everyone knows how lowbrow those are.  Since commercials are targeted at specific people, I can't help but wonder what kind of people are up late at night at those hours.  all I see are commercials for people with bad credit people who can't get approved for cars people who need new career training because they've been laid off people who need to get their high school diploma...    The list goes on and on.  My favorite one so far is the one with M.C. Hammer inside someone's toolbox explaining how he can get approved for a car.  I don't fit into any of those categories, I'm just a fat, lazy, insomniac with nothing to do over the summer so I just stay up all night.  But I can't help but feel that these commercials are incredibly lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Weird Things To Buy On eBay #2: A Motorhome  Scotsmen generally can't resist bargains. So when I saw my now-current home sitting at $3,500 on eBay with people just nibbling at it, I sniped* it with a bid of $6666.66. Bingo. I hit the reserve price, so I got it for $6500. I bought a one-way ticket to Miami, and met the owner. He was a shady French dude who drove up in a Range Rover with Texas plates, which he offered to throw in for an extra $10K. I checked out the motorhome and figured it worth $12-$14,000 -- nice. I asked if anything was missing, and he told me: "Only the auxiliary gas tank -- the DEA took it off to get the cocaine inside." I got temporary Florida tags**, and drove it back to NY, which took an entire barrel (256 US gallons) of fuel. When I was cleaning it out, I found the DEA records for the guy who had driven it up from Columbia. He's still in prison. I also found an ATM receipt which showed his checking account with a balance of $135,000.  ---------------- * Sniping (v):  Lurking until an auction is almost over, then bidding, then constantly hitting [reload] to tie up the server so that no other sniper has time to make a bid (but you need a cable modem for the last part). **The getting of the temporary tags (paper license plates) is anuther story, which I'll no doubt post soon.  
  my mind has now been blown...  I have discovered a new concept in porn... my brother and his friend were previewing a bunch of random labeless porn they were given (found in the attic of another friend).  They hit the play button and saw a dwarf dressed up as one of santa's elves with a huge nose and pointy ears nailing a trashy porn star from behind.  Gotta love 80s porn.  
  I remember once ... a few months ago in february, all the girls went out for dinner and a movie. It was about 10 of us and it was someones birthday. I dressed up for the occaison with my nice dirty denim skirt, black knee high boots, black shirt and sweater coat; I curled my hair, did my make up really nice.   So anyways we are sitting there ordering at like White Spot i think, and me and my friend go to the bathroom, fix our make up yadda yadda yadda. and I walk out of the bathroom feeling pretty sexy with my head held high. Then my friend sitting at the end of the table points at me and starts laughing her ass off! soon the whole table is laughing and everyone in the restaurant is staring at us. I look at my self and i was like what? what? what? What is going on!?!? and then the friend who started laughing first manages to point down to my boots, and hanging from my boots in a piece of tp at least  2 feet long. It was totally noticeable against the dark green carpet. all i did was run to my chair and laugh my ass of any more. I was the highlight of the evening.  
  Someone broke into my car tonight. they stole my skateboard and my work issued laptop. but they left the other two laptop bags, two pairs of new sneakers (still in the boxes), and a camera bag(empty). You'd think I'd be upset about all of this, but my medication has me feeling oh so ok.  
  A six hour ride between Seattle and Portland became a nightmare in a mere ten minutes.  "Hi." he said as I sat down next to him.   "You know... you probably have hookworms.  I am a representative of The Awareness Corporation, have you ever heard of us?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  For the first time in probably a year, I really cleaned my room. When I say clean, I mean clean, not throw stuff into the closet and pile stuff in corners clean, like normal. This is better than any kind of photo or video or any other memory saving thing ever.  I found wine cooler caps, yep, that was this past summer when a friend dropped by on his road trip.   I found an empty hurricane 40. Ah, that was the night I was so drunk I kept falling walking home, but I never spilled a drop of that 40!  The empty film can. On my birthday it was filled with kind, crystal covered bud. A present from one of my friends. We smoked the whole thing in one hour.   The broken pair of bunny ears on a head band. Halloween, when a group of us went to a concert, then onto a party, then another, then another, until we came back to my place and crashed.  The "god bless america" lighter. I stole it from a one night stand almost a year ago. Hey! it still works!  The empty bottle of lube. This is from my first try at anal sex. Then my second...then my third...  The red glowstick. From the night I first tripped on shrooms. I didn't let go of it once that night, not even while I had sex.   Good times.  
  i had just dropped off my girlfriend from one of the most intense love making sessions in the history of the world.  the road leading to her house is straight and flat and a 35 MPH zone, i decided to do about 70 on it.  all of a sudden a cop rolls out of a driveway, i knew i was screwed, but to my astonishment he just turned the opposite direction of me at a stop sign and just moves on.  lucky day i guess.  
  I moved to L.A.  I thought it would be hot, but it is always pleasant.  I thought it would be dangerous, but it feels safe.  I thought my neighbors would be distant, but they are friendly and open.  I thought people would be conceited and judgemental, but they are just stupid and self-obsessed.  I thought the drivers would be rude, but they let me in.  It is not what I thought it would be.  And I cannot wait to leave.  
  about ten minutes after firing off an email reply to a girl about The Significance Of The Weekend's Activities, I hear Outlook Express make its plaintive little dual-tone "message arrived" noise, and tab in to see what the latest development in this unfolding and significant conversation is.  subject line: "Transforming your rod into a monster"  god DAMN it I hate spam. >=\  
  A good friend of mine is a comedian and a writer.  We were at a Borders book store in L.A. and just as we enter my friend stops to talk to someone he knows- and he knows a LOT of people in the comedy arena.  Quite frankly, I can't go anywhere with him without seeing someone he knows. So, this time it turns out to be the little person actor(ok, midget.  There, I said it.) best known as Kramer's friend on Seinfeld.  My friend and I say 'hi', and before I can stop myself, I say "Man, it's a small world."  As the words come out of my mouth I'm thinking "Don't say it!"  But I do anyway. I swear I didn't mean it the way it obviously sounded. But the uncomfortable moment of silence was all too discomforting for my meager attempt at back-pedaling; ("Everywhere we go, uh, he knows somebody."  Ha ha...").  I couldn't possibly have put anything else in my mouth with my foot taking up all that space.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I put my black, lacy slip-skirt on my head and walked around my apartment.  One of my roommates says to me, "Great, you could go as a nun to the pimp & ho party..." I looked in the mirror and decided that I didn't really look like a nun.  I told her, "Well, I'd have to be a Mexican nun... because of the lace." She says, "Sure, okay Mother Theresa." Uh...  
  Remember Maharishi Mahesh Yogi? He has a webpage.        
  Please learn from my gullible nature  If a person ever sends you a link telling you that www.kkk.com is a site for a band with the acronym standing for  krusading kolossal knights. Don't click it.    
  so, in my dream last night, my girlfriend got bit by a zombie. as in most zombie movies, she didn't turn into a zombie right away, so i told her to bite me so i'd turn into a zombie too, and when she turned into a zombie, i would us both cause i couldn't live without her. so she bit me on the arm, and we hung out for the rest of the dream. then, whenever she turned into an undead monster, i shot her in the mouth with a shotgun, blowing the top of her head off. then i shot myself.  probably the most romantic dream i've ever had :)  
  It's 8:45 on Monday at work.  I'm going to leave my desk now and brew some strong coffee to go with the Hash cookies I've brought to work. I'll be stoned by my fisrt beak.  
  /* Sometimes I feel like I should place everything I say into comments, when I'm feeling like everything I have to say is trite, if not blatant plagiarism; so that I can say anything without consequence; but I worry that, lacking the strict routine of a compiler or interpreter, human people might evaluate my comments regardless of the punctuation as intended and legitimate; neither // nor /*...*/ nor # will save me now. */ 20 May 2001  
  We heard the screaming from the back yard. Turns out someone had broken the incredibly ugly gnome thing she made in a high school pottery class.   "Excellent time to become a missing person." He muttered, sneaking out during the melee, hopping over the front porch railing and running off down the street, disapearing into the darkness.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm sitting in my office at work and my two supervisors are about 8 feet from my desk while I surf porn.   Nothing like pulling the devils tail.  
  Just read a lowbrow moment about a college and had to add mine. Turns out the Murray Utah campus has (had?) an instructor (Yes, you DAVE CAVE!) during my 2 years there that I refer to as WOS (waste of space)  He "taught" the Linux class, and based our grades on how well he liked us. We asked him a question one night about Linux and the stupid fuck had to go call his 16 year old son in Wyoming to get the answer.  Some "higher education" - I want a fucking refund!  
  I was at a going-away party for a six foot four Australian that had to leave the States the next day since his visa will expire. That week he proposed to his American girlfriend. She turned him down. She is flirting with me right in front of him.  Since I like my face as it is currently organized, I leave the bar. She runs out after me. Begs me to come back. Boyfriend comes out after her and walks towards me says he is going to kick my ass.  I yell at the top of my lungs,  YOUR PROBLEM IS WITH HER. I AM THE ONE LEAVING. SHE IS THE ONE CHASING ME. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH A SLUT.   Half the bar is outside by now. Everyone is dumbfounded. I walk away without incident.  I heartily endorse the  Truth at the Top of Your Lungs  defense.  
  i finally got a desk near a window.  the sun shines, the breeze blows.  i'm one of the lucky ones  just outside the window, a huge chimney or stack of some sort rises out of the ground.  it isn't near any buildings.  it continuously spews smoke into the air, day and night.  sometimes i have fun imagining what might be down there breathing so hard   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?  
  There are some guys...who after sex, feel the need to ask me how it went. Like they want this full essay on what exactly it was like.  I mean...hello?  He was there with me...right?  The last time a guy asked me that, I responded:  "The in and out part...I liked that part the best."  He looked really confused.  Ah hahahahaha...    
   Limbo 2; Masters Of The Universe 0  Walking along the sidewalk downtown. My boy Wig is lagging behind me. A 16 year-old Master Of The Universe comes flying towards me on his bike. He's weaving in and out of people on the sidewalk as he goes. I used to do that all the time when I was 16, proud of my skills. That was then, this is now. My elbow goes out and catches him on the side of the head. He and his bike go sprawling sideways, well away from my boy. He jumps up, screaming rage. I stand there, expressionless, until he realizes he's out of his depth. I say: "Get your bike off the sidewalk."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My sister, an internet addict, destroyed my Dreamcast console in a pathetic attempt to retrieve the modem cable from me to use on her beat up POS IBM thinkpad.  She's 35, works in a bridal store downtown, and says she is marrying a Mexican wrestler in december.  I have yet to find out HOW THE FUCK all these notions are connected, but for the time being, I just want my money.   
  How do I know when it's time to stop drinking?  Easy.  I run out of chaser.         
   Quick Thinking #33  I have to go into a Government building, and quickly come face-to-face with a metal detector. One cop is working the main detector, and the other one is standing on the far side with a hand wand.  I continue walking towards them, but with each step, the dirty little brass pipe in my pocket feels heavier and  heavier .  Cop #1 hands me a plastic bowl, into which I empty my change, pen, wallet, cigarette lighter...  ...I reach into the other pocket, my hand brushing against the pipe, but instead I take out my Swiss Army knife and hold it out.  Me: "You'll probably want to keep this until I come out."  He, routinely: "Yup -- I'll give you a receipt."  Me: "Oh hell -- I'll probably just forget about it -- I'll go stick it in my car. Back in a minute."  He: "Oh, OK."  
  I just spent the last of my unemployment check on a nasty looking blowup doll and a very realistic vibrator.  Now I'm just waiting for it to get late enough I can insert item 2 into item 1 and stage a lovely tableau on my bitchneighbor's front lawn. Then it will be time to make an anonymous complaint call to the cops about public lewdness.  I'll practice my "outraged mommy" voice until then.  Not my fault nothing good is on tv tonight.   
  Right after Phil Hartman was shot to death by his crazy wife, I went to a bowling alley that had karaoke. I got drunk on white russians and decided to sing "Love is a Battlefield". Which, appropriately, I dedicated to Phil. I was booed and pelted with olives and lime wedges. So I left.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         god obviously had a sense of humor, did some drugs, you know the usual for any seven day working vacation --  but who would of thought he'd put a fruit on this earth with the same texture as a clitoris --  have you licked a Litchi?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in a bar bathroom taking a leak when a big redneck guy walked up to the urinal next to me. As he pulled out his wang, he inadvertantly pissed on my leg. I was shocked and speechless. He then offered to let me piss on him, but I was so completely dumbfounded I just washed my hands and walked out. My friends say I should've kicked his ass, but I think everyone laughing and pointing at him when he walked out was reward enough. Or I could've just peed on him.  
  For what it's worth:  I don't care how fat you are - skinny you are, what color your skin is - whether you like to have sex with the same or opposite sex.  I'm not judging you by this crap.  I'm judging you on your chinese astrology.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I recently found work at a gas station and...  Yesterday this guy walks in, and he's buying a 12 pack of beer or whatever when a fly buzzes by his head.  He gets all pissed off and starts swatting at it, complaining that with all the garbage in the world, the flies still have to seek out and annoy humans.  So I told him about all the bees that are flying around, because I had already killed 3 of them around the chewing tobacco.  And he says:  "Yeah, and those bees are really bad.  Like when you're taking a shower and they fly up into your hair... that's the worst.  I don't know if it's something to do with the shampoo or what, but.."  and I'm like, "Yeah, I hate that."  And as soon as he leaves I'm like "what the hell was he talking about?"  Does anyone know?  Because that's really bugging me.  
  Friday Night. 11 pm.  Am I out hanging out with my friends having fun or doing anything remotely cool?  Oh no.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my jammies, putting together a jigsaw puzzle with my mom, while my dad snores in the background.  I'm SO living the life.  
  And I'll have a small order of fries please.  I'm sorry sir, we don't have small. We have medium, large and supersize.   Is one of those sizes smaller than the rest?  Yes  I'll take that one please.   
  Remember those Newton commercials ("a cookie is just a cookie, but Newtons are fruit and cake")?  Well, I happened to have a package of Newtons, and on the package it said "fruit chewy cookies".  Needless to say, I was very upset by this.  So I called the Nabisco hotline repeated the above. Me: "so which is it?  Cookies, or fruit and cake?" Nabisco:"they're cookies." Me:"But what about the ad?  Isn't that false advertising?" Nabisco:"No, it's not.  It's called creative license." Me (unconvinced):"so I can't sue?" Nabisco (getting annoyed):"No." Me (sighing resignedly):"Alright, then.  Thank you."  
  i had one of those huge burritos for lunch at prolly 3pm, and they gave me refried instead of black beans.  refried beans give me mad gas.  by 6pm, i'm studying with 4 girls on a couch at this ultra-hippie but lovable coffee place.  i have an overt crush on one of these girls and am at the very least interested in another one.    i sat on that couch holding in successive farts for at least 5 hours.  not a one slipped out.  this might be more than just a crush.  
  In our town of 8000, the grand opening today of a Wal-Mart Supercenter was a huge event and the store was sensationally busy all day.  I made sure and went in at opening time to give the place a good looking over, since it's about the only thing around here to do.  See, for me, the Supercenter exists for one reason and one reason only.  Ours, however, and much to my dismay, does not have this single, essential entity for which the damn store needs exist in the first place.  They didn't have a lobster tank.  Bastards!  They said there would be a lobster tank!  Argh...  
  You know, the fanmail on the 'about' page of lowbrow is far more lowbrow and frightening than anything we could ever write.  
  schizophrenia does not mean multiple personality disorder dont be so igetallmyknowledgefromthestoopidtv it brings us as a race all of us down a notch better yet go try to talk to someone with schizotypal disorder it might make you think twice about making fun of someone else you lameass        
  My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Mullet" is a game like "Punch-buggy". You simply get to punch your buddy and say "Mullet!" when you see a guy with a mullet. The "No punchbacks!" rule is optional I guess. A woman with a mullet is worth 2 whacks, a little kid is probably 3. The little kid bit is a judgement call. I'd say that it would apply to anyone who is too young to decide their own hairstyle. Many punches if you ever see a dog groomed with a mullet.  Unless you are a sadist/masochist, do not do what my buddy and I did and go to that one bar in town that is populated by everyone who has been kicked out of all the other bars. My arm was sore for a couple days. Oh, rat-tails count double.  
  Today I passed a huge sign that said:  "Eat Uncle Joes Minty Balls"  It's been the highlight of my weekend.  Growing up is for losers.  
  I was thinking about the day I went to lunch with my favorite professor, a tenured political theory professor, who travels the world and has written 15 or so books.  I was thinking about how much pot he said he smokes.  I thought about this last Wednesday, at 3 P.M. , when I was ridiculously high, and had to beg my non-pot smoking girlfriend to go and make me a ham and cheese hot pocket, because I couldn't move.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had been living with my roomate for about 6 months, and I think I probably had about 1 glass of water TOTAL during that whole time.  Most of the time I drank Dr. Pepper, or beer, or as I like to call it 'The Other Water'.    Anyway, you can imagine what this did to my body.    So my roomate and I are at the gym lifting weights, and I get done doing a tough set of leg lifts.  My legs are knotting, I'm sweating like the fat pig I was, and I start to get woozy.    I let my roomie know that I need to get some water, and that he should start the next set without me.    Now, I remember reaching for the balance bar on the wall-length mirror, and missing it.  Then I remember 2 guys holding me up by my arms.    What I don't remember, and had to have retold to me by my roomate, was that as I was reaching for the balance bar, I passed out from dehydration, smacked into the mirror with my face, and slowly slid down to the floor, leaving a long smudge from my face on the mirror.  I then flopped on the floor, face down, when the two guys picked me up to see if I was ok.    We stopped going to that gym when the smudge from my face was still there a month later.  
  2 guys I met just to give them blowjobs.  1 month-long affair with an out-of-town latino.  6 random guys who had me over to their place to fuck.  All of them found on craigslist.  All of them said I gave the best head ever.  And my boyfriend has the nerve to accuse me of being unfaithful...  But dear, I was thinking of you all the time - "My boyfriend won't do anal - now get your dick in my ass before I change my mind."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work at a movie theater part time to pay for my music habit.  I ate buttered popcorn last night.  This morning, when I took a shit, little droplets of an unknown oil were floating on the surface.  oybean buttery substitute...better than Ex-Lax.  
  Vegetarians taste a lot better when you go down on them than meat eaters.  Less raunchy spoiled meat smell.  Yummy.  
  im wasting my time trying to explain lowbrow to my bf.  what is there to explain?  you come, you read, if you laugh you get it. if you dont then you are hardly lowbrow enough to grace the presence of lowbrow legends such ass cheerleaderatyercrotch and LaDeeFrickinDa (my personal faves)  he didnt appreciate my bluntness  
  once upon a time i worked at papa ginos. a fat man, a very very fat fat man 600 lbs minimum came in with 4 young kids, [dessert maybe?]. he ordered a large cheese pizza. next he said  "and for me, one large cheese pizza, extra extra extra extra extra cheese"  i wanted to personally make it, i put handfulls of cheese on it, when cooked i feared the slightest change in angle would create a tidal wave of cheese.  could this be considered attempted kevorkian type activity on my part? i think so  
  In junior high school, we had a French teacher who was actually French. Her name was even Michelle ("ma belle, sont des mots qui vont tr&egrave;s bien ensemble, tr&egrave;s bien ensemble..."). She was an older woman, probably 21 or so, and her curves had no end to them. The way she dressed didn't help, either, always in tight mini-dresses. Her eyes were enormous, dark, and soulful. She had real trouble controlling the class, especially us boys, but I took pity on her, and she and I became friends. Then, one day, while she was trying to discipline one of my rougher buddies, he suddenly stuck his hand up her dress and felt her up. She completely lost it, went back to her teacher's seat, and started to cry, a lonely French woman in a world she just didn't understand. I got up, walked over to her, gave her a hug which she tightly returned (I almost died right there), and I fairly ordered my fierce buddy to come up front and apologize to her. Quite the knight in shining armour. When class ended, I was first in line to sniff his fingers...  
  ..my boss once told me that the only reason i worked at the bar was so i could go and get more coke after work... ... i used his car.  
  I spent most of the day plotting the downfall and eventual demise of everyone I hated, then realized if I really had that kind of power, it would be much more interesting to just make them shit themselves at random moments. It's good to have goals.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just read a story that was so similar to my experiences that I had to submit my own version.  A friend of mine owns a cat...an ancient, seedy, grey thing that sits there giving you antagonistic looks. It's name is Sutra (theres another cat there called Kama, clever eh? hehe) and this cat has a severe bladder problem.  Sutra (The Pisscat) is notorious in the household and likes to take revenge whenever it's chucked outside or not fed when it wants to be. More than once have I picked it up and it has let loose its legacy all over me...  Now, once in a while i sleep over at my friends place in the main living room and this area just happens to be the main "urine grounds" of the pisscat. About a month ago i woke up 3 times to the sound of running water next to my head... lowbrow thing is...it comes and crawls right next to my head and nose afterwards and tries to cuddle up. Hey, what can i say? I'm an animal lover i suppose.  Also, I've written a song about it...  
  "I only smoke in bars." she said deftly tapping a cigarette out of hissoft-pack.  "I feel like I need to smoke, it's part of being in a bar."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  It occurs to me that perhaps these moments are sometimes edited before appearing here by the site owners, and if so, what exactly could be construed as too low to be be acceptably lowbrow? Or is that something the world is ready to know?  
  i sit here transfixed by the lowest of lowrows, though the need for a ciggarette ravages my young body. i read one, hoping it will be my last, then hit reload. i am hoping that soon, VERYVERY soon, i will reach the end oof lowbrow so i can smoke my stoke satisfied. spending the next five inutes of my life dying, yet at the same time chuckling to myself at some of the funniest shit i have ever heard replays in my mind. thank you lowbrow, you made me smile wilst the need for a smoke gently increases. you may (oneday) get me to quit smoking with your silly little comments and posts, until then, thanks for letting me know that i am not the ONLY idiot on earth  ~*TINK THE PINK*~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate telemarketers. I know it's a job. I know it sucks worse than a $10 Thai lady-boy with mouth sores and a chipped tooth. Hell, I've done it. I've even done fundraising for my college, which is basically asking people who were tortured by a bunch of sub-human degenerates made untouchable by virtue of having not been fired in 10+ years, to give money.  But if you call me at 6:30 in the fucking morning to try to get me to switch banks, you deserve what you get.   An example:  Unsuspecting Victim: ... and if you switch to $BankChain today, we'll give you two free tickets to anywhere in the continental United States.  Me: I don't fly. Ever.  UV: Oh come on. How do you ever go anywhere?  Me: I drive, or take a train.  UV: You're kidding me. How could you refuse Two! Free! Tickets?  Me: 'CAUSE MY WIFE AND SON DIED IN A FUCKING PLANE CRASH LAST YEAR, ASSHOLE! (NOTE: I have never been married.)  UV: Guh-gu-guh  Me: SLAM.  Groggy girlfriend: Who was that?  Me: Dunno. Some telemarketer.    
  When I was a kid, a friend and I were biking when these bigger kids started following us in their car.  Getting tired of having their bumper 6 inches from my rear tire, I pedalled faster and defiantly turned to give them the finger.  The ring finger..   
  some chick posted a moment about does it bug guys when we read shit on the brow that re enforces negative male stereotypes as much as it bugs her when she reads that shit from chicks.  she seemd to be soliciting a responce, so here goes.  first of all, it cracks me up some of the dumb shit guys do.  and frankly, dumb desitions of men are respocible for prolly 2/3s (at least) of the world chnging events.  hitler?  guy who did some might browless shit, no doubt.  an ill betcha columbus only sailed to the new world to settle a bet he made at a bar that he could.  second of all, if youre uptight enough that this shit offends you on behalf of your gender you shold prolly fuck off..go watch oxygen or some damn shit...  
  i'm not broke anymore, but i'm not allowed to cash in my empty bottles until 10:30   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I'm straight. But I have a male friend who I love like a brother. He knows everything about me. Like I said, I'm straight, but one night I was overwhelmed with love and affection for him, and I offered to give him a blowjob. He accepted, so I did. I was new to it, so it took over 1/2 hour to bring him to an orgasm. This was entirely non-sexual for me, rather, it was simply an expression of my love for him. He was pleased, and wants me to express my affection for him on a regular basis. He's helped me a lot through the years, so I fell obligated. My question is: should I tell my fiance?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         back in fifth grade we were all sitting in a circle in the gym, waiting for class to start.  it was a bit stormy outside that day, and the teacher was still outside the room.  I'm sitting with my legs crossed, trying not to fart...but out it came, at least 5 seconds long, and loud as hell.  I was so embarrassed that I began to leave, when the teacher walks in and says "WOW! Did you guys hear that thunder?"  
  For hours of enjoyment my friend and i used to take nutty putty shape it into a cube and throw it into his ceiling fan on high.  While doing this we would have the tape recorder sitting in the middle of the room recording on EP.  So after about 15 min of this we would play it back at normal speed this way we'd sound like chipmunks.  Ah those were the days.  
  I've got more degrees and technical qualifications than 95% of the population.   Doesnt help explain to me how I ended up six nights running coming home from work, and without eating or otherwise engaging in any (anti)social behaviour I'd end up smoking myself in to a dube hole so that at 7am the following morning I'd find myself lying on the floor with all my clothes on wondering how the fuck I'd ended up there.  Still got paid for work that week though...  
  i once went down the stairs in a bluebox. i ended up very hurt. don't try it.       
  Last night, on my way out to a party, I had some sort of wierd chemical reaction. Heart pounding, chest tightening, trouble breathing, overheating, dehydrated, I pulled over, found a gas station, and downed a bottle of gatorade.  I still went to the club, of course.   
  In fifth grade, our teacher asked us if we knew who was pissing in the trashcans. It wasn't us. But we took the hint.  
  My co-worker (and cohabitating other half) took down a message for an attorney the other day from a client who is well known around the office for being completely insane.  She had already called about 5 times in the last hour, so his message said,   "11:50 PM 7-14-03  Sally "needs to up the dosage" Fuller Please call ASAP."  So the attorney calls Sally, and says, "Mrs. Fuller, I have a message here that you need to up your dosage?  (Pause)  Um, oh, well then it must have gotten mixed up with one of our PI cases.  Sorry."  Talk about no sense of humor.  
  --If the clean-up guys have to wear protective suits when they clean up the meth labs, what happens to the guys who brew the stuff? --Premature decrepitude, Mike says. Do you want to meet one of 'em? I decline.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          So this lady is throwing a theme party where people come dressed as emotions. The first guy shows up in all red:     "what are you?"     "I'm anger." The next guy shows up in all green:     "What are you?"     "I'm envy."    Then a guy shows up with no clothes on, a hard-on and a pear on the end of his dick...    "What are you?"    "I'm fuckin' dispair...."    
   Religious Intolerance 101  Ever wonder why the Protestants and Catholics in Ireland can't "just get along?"  They didn't get along very well in Scotland, either.  My primary (grade) school was Protestant.  The primary school across the street was Catholic.  We had these decent black/gray uniforms -- they had these weird two-tone green uniforms.  We never talked to each other, at all.  Our sole mode of communication was to throw rocks at each other during playtime (recess).  I can't remember anybody ever telling us to throw rocks -- it was just somehow understood.  When I married my second wife, I made sure to forget to tell my mother that she was Catholic -- life was just simpler that way.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend's neighbor turned traitor, needed to be taught a lesson. Knowing she was a bigtime germophobe, I spent a drunken evening wandering the neighborhood collecting a bag of dogshit, to which I personally contributed when the cheap beer gave me a slight case of the skitters*. Put on some of those dishwashing gloves and hurled it, gagging, handful by stinky handful, into her backyard, all over the patio and patio door.  Later I discovered I'd missed the right house and nailed the wrong neighbor. It's okay, I didn't like her either.  PS... *skitters is a term for the shits that I swiped from LowBrow Limbo. Hi, guy!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ok need a map every morning which is the fucking right side of the bed again damn thing keeps changing alright whos getting their jollies moving my furniture around questionmark        
  I'm white, but I related best with the blacks in juvenile hall because I was shunted around in foster homes and rejected at school (new schools all through my childhood) and called names and so forth.  They took me in.  I just did a lot of listening, but I also learned racism.  It's deeper than any foster home shit or fat person shit or what ever else some of us go through.  Racism is disgusting because it's totally ignorant and cruel to the heart of a person.  
  I've gone to Disney World so often it's sick. When I was younger (18 now), I went twice a summer, and once around halloween. For the past couple of years, it was once a summer, and then at halloween. It would have been boring, about a year back, if I hadn't gotten permission from my family to bring my girlfriend along. How great is that? We have a blast, at the parks and in Downtown Disney. Then, the second day of the trip, the greatest thing happens. We're alone in the resort room. You know, the good ones, that are run by Disney themselves? Yeah. The Old Key West Resort, one of the newer, and better places around. We're messing around, and end up having sex on the huge beds, a great time. Guess what? I was a virgin. Yep, that's right. I lost my virginity at Disney World.  Happiest place on earth takes on a whole new meaning.  
  The more you cry, the less you have to pee.  
  My mother: Isn't it odd that you sleep with your laptop in your bed every night?  Me: No, it's okay, we're gonna get married soon...  My father: Well, until then, while you're under our roof...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         aged 17: i discovered what a heterosexual was  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so today at my school there was a blood donar clinic and I was all prepared to give blood untill I got to that boot that asks questions. they asked if I had used cocaine in the past 12 months. I pondered saying yes but decided to say no, because it probally doesnt make any difference right?  so then they asked if I have had sex with someone who has done cocaine or any illegal needle involved drugs and I figured that by this point maybe I should be saying yes   then they asked if I have ever had sex with someone whos sexual history I was unaware of. . .   so they told me I couldnt give blood and advised that it would be best to tell everyone else I couldnt give blood because I had a sore throat.  and as I'm walking out, my friends asked if I had given blood and I said, no I couldnt because I have a sore throat. then joe said, "me too."     
  The worst thing a girl can say to you when you are having what you believe is the best sex of both your lives is "Is that all you got!!!"  2nd worse thing "Take it out I have to poo......"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Creation is the ultimate ideal.   Destruction is the ultimate sin.  So what's the creation of a wrecking-ball?  
  This morning when I got in the car to warm it up I had a bit of a runny nose. I got a Kleenax out of the glove box and wiped my nose and mustache, I put the soiled snot paper in the cup holder in the console.  When my wife got in the car about 5 minutes later and started utting on her make-up she must have smudged or something. Seeing the Kleenax handy she grabbed it and before I could warn her wiped her face and fingers.....  Then she realized what was up.  I had a pretty good laugh.  
  We were in the kitchen.  Mom was on my back constantly in those days, and this time she was nitpicking the way I was washing the dishes, hovering over me as I stood at the sink.  My sister, a born expert in all manner of cruelty and b.s., listened in, enjoying my silent humilated rage.  Mom played off of that, and just would not shut up; just stood there with folded arms, going on about how #$%^&*  'half-assed' I was about this and everything else.  Half-assed, half-assed, like some apopletic parrot. "Huh!" I mused aloud. "I'd rather be half-assed than a FULL ass like YOU!"  My sister muffled a laugh, and I got one hard smack for that one.  I took it as I always took it, except I laughed because I didn't mind this time.  I'd finally wised up to the rules of this game, the way my sister had from day one.          
   Checkout Girl #41  Long line, moving slow. She's completely bored, all business, and all girlflesh, working as fast as she can. I've already spotted the rows of braces on her teeth, but they don't matter. I'm just trying to brighten dull young lives, as usual. She slides my 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best across the scanner. (Hey! Milwaukee! If that's really the best you can do, you should go slide in the lake.) She, brightly, wiggling her slim young butt back and forward: "How are you today?" Me: "I'm fine, but I might be about to embarass myself. This is the cheapest beer in the world, but I don't know if I can make it. What's the total?" She, laughing: "$5.77!" Me: "You just became my favourite! I think I love you!" She giggles, having fun, for a change. I take out six dollars, all I have in the world. She hands me my change, flashing her braces at me, very happy and safe. She knows I'm not actually a threat. I leave. Good, I still have 33 cents...  
  Of all the animals in the world, I think horses are the scariest. They're just so big and chompy you know, chompy like theyre going to chomp your foot off or something  
  the stretch limo -- one, two, three, four, five windows, each laced with little lights -- neared the comedy club slowly. two girls emerged from the skylight, first the frosted hair, then the kohl-smeared eyes, then the mouths, which were by this time only coated with rings of lipstick around the mouth's outer edges, then a bottle of champagne, then almost-matching black satin bustlines. the bustline of the girl on the left dipped slightly further than her friend's -- clearly, she had spent the extra cash for the push-up bra.   "1998!!!" they screamed in unison, collapsing into a fit of giggles.   the limo stopped. they descended. a beat, and then they were out of the car and on their way into the club, makeup repaired, fuzzy navels waiting.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  hey its from a movie...its still funny...  Bully: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"  Victim: "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast??"  
  The page cannot be found  The page you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.   Please try the following:  If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Open the www.lowbrow.com home page, and then look for links to the information you want.  Click the  Back button to try another link.  Click  Search to look for information on the Internet.   HTTP 404 - File not found  
  I had heat rash in my crotch, and a friend said that if I put a baking soda paste on it, it wouldn't itch any more.  I didn't know the proportions, but I mixed up a paste of baking soda and water, and applied it liberally.  Dear Christ it burned. I didn't do it properly. I felt like there was a blowtorch aimed at my genitalia.  The burn and resulting soreness lasted another day or two. The itch went away, though.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         some jackass who shall remain nameless moose lee sent me some flame i blocked his mail he had some else flame me guess its bending up his little dick not to be posted on the brow poor poor little dick   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i accidently clicked on the about thing on the side. first thought after reading it:  "my balls itch"  second thought  "the guys who made this site are fucking geniuses! They should have their own TV show"  third thought  "damn i am horny"  yet another thank you speach gone wrong....uh anyway, thank you geniuses.  
  So there I am, about to sell my first car.  It's a huge 2001 Truck, from the Heilig Myers bankruptcy.  I'm talking to a hispanic couple, they seem deeply interested in the truck.  I spout off my sales pitch, tell them about all the great features and what not.  The hispanic man asks how big the back is.  Without thinking about who I was talking to, I mutter, "Oh I bet you could fit a thousand mexicans in the back."    I've never seen customers leave so quickly.  
  so there is a seriously sadistic side to you if you wont tell someone that they have a hunk of spinach chive or whatever on their tooth i didnt want you to be embarrassed  is always the ploy when in fact hours later when the person realizes the dangling lunch chunk they can be mortified far away outta sight you can get you little sniggles and the mad rush of power that comes from knowing you are better than someone else because you dont have a hunk of lunch all a dangle and you did absolutely nothing to  decrease the humilation but you are a sad pathetic loser with a life run by others if you need that kinda juice egad  i sometimes hang something on the front teeth to see if the clowns eating with me are friend or foe       
  I was driving through miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles. It was central Texas and thank heavens for over-sized air conditioners.   A buzzard was chomping on roadkill up ahead. I figured it would fly off as I approached. It did not lift off until I was almost on top of it.  The bird hit the windshield post right in front of me as I slammed on the brakes. When I stopped I realized that the damn thing had done a shoulder roll over my car and was gliding into the shade under a lone tree. It landed, turned around and stared at me.   Just my luck to have run into a stunt buzzard.   
  I temped at an elemtary school.  As school was letting out I held open one of those large glass doors.  This little girl outstretches both her arms and gives both my legs a huge hug, while burying her head in my crotch.  The worst part is she just looked up at me and smiled,  I was too terrified and stunned to move.  To this day I avoid little kids,  they are just too damn unpredictable.  
  In 7th grade orchestra class this one guy showed me a joke where you hold your fingers in an "o" shape and said,"you know what this is? beaters cramps, get it?" well I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Turns out the punchline is "how often". I wasn't sure what to make of all that and one day I formed my hand into the "o" shape around my dick. Then I started moving it a little and sure enough **BAM** I had my first orgasm. Wow, am I ever glad I finally got that joke.  
  I was bored. So I took out a pen and drew some eyes and a nose on the head of my penis. I held a brief conversation with my penis about declining quality of tv shows, all while laughing my ass off. The face just looked so goddamn funny. I kept laughing and laughing. I got up and was about to run over to someone's house and show them when I realized just how fucked that would be. Then I realized there was really no one I could share the funniest thing I had ever done with.  Oh well. I always have lowbrow.  
  One day in physics, this girl who sat next to me got fidgety. She proceeds to loudly crack each digit in every finger, then her elbows, then her neck, and ending with her back. On the second back crack she happened to turn towards me. Our eyes met, and I calmly asked "Would you like some bubblewrap, too?"  
   cant help it i know its bad for me but something about being around my family for the holidays makes me want to binge drink  i m talking big time binge drink  
   I used to be awake; constantly observing beautiful symmetries. My mind was the point of view from which art and science appeared in their simplist form - and stood as one.    Now, there's some great free porn on the internet.  
  i just purchased pearl jam tickets on my ex-byfriends credit card for my birthday for me and my new found boyfriend.........so LOWBROW  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We're high, laying on a halfway open futon, watching Sponge Bob.  She looks over at me and says "I'm too tired to fart."  That's when I knew it was love.  
  (Setup:  I finally get to try black, from which you're never supposed to go back... but she's from Sierra Leone, and NASTY.  Her nickname for me is: "Stupid White Man"; My nickname for her is "African American.")  We're in bed; she's comatose, because I've been happily licking her to heaven and back for an hour or so.  I climb on top, slide inside her worderful midnight body, and rythmically pound away, feeling her hot wet interiou clutching and welcoming me, and becoming a complete penis-brain, very happy.  Just as I start to get that little irrestible rising tickle that precedes the Moment All Men Live For, she opens her eyes, looks at me (no doubt looking exactly like Goofy), and says:  "So, are you enjoying fucking me, stupid white man?"    
  "Two Red Dog Talls," the man said, fishing in his front pocket for a few crumpled dollar bills. The grocer plunged his hands into the ice, taking out two tall, perspiring cans and placing them both in one brown paper bag. The bag bulged awkwardly. Money and beer were exchanged, and the man ran off to fetch his train.  "Ha-nesssss," the grocer yelled, scanning the front of the store.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I have a screenname on aol which many people confuse as being someone who they know.  I often get messages, emails, and files sent to me from total strangers thinking that i am someone else.  One day I am on this screen name at work and some girl (who is obviously an adolescent by her demeanor and screen name BSBFAN******* something or other) sends me a message thinking that i'm her mother.  With me being a 20 yr old guy this would be short of impossible.    I explain to her that I'm not her mother and to go away.  She persists on  insisting that I am.  I wind up telling her that she's adopted because one night I was really drunk and thought I was signing up for a free vacation not adoption papers.  She freaked out (it was quite funny), told me she was calling me right away and signed off promptly.  Ah the things one does to entertainingly remove pests.    i can only begin to imagine what sort of strange conversation that girl must have had with her real mother over the phone after she signed off.  
  So, tonight, I got pyongyanged by some bad Chinese. I'm out with family, and we're walking out to the car, and suddenly I feel that first gastric tremor, and bolt for the restaurant.  I make a dive for it's dingy restrooms in the back behind the greasy-looking chef talking to his glass of water. I run for the stall, and just in the nick of time. I look below the wall and see a pair of dockers next to me. I let one loose, and immediately feel some relief. Next door, I hear some hocking, and listen as a loogie kerplunks into the procelain. Soon I feel another tremor and return this morning's pop tart to it's place in nature. Next door, I hear a big, extravagant fart. About two of these episodes later, I realized I'd inadvertantly entered myself into a gross-out contest. The lowbrow moment? When I won.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In mid sized, upscale, trendy cities the ash trays are full of half smoked cigarettes.  In podunk, white trash, red neck towns everyone smokes down to the butt.  Don't ask me how I know this...  
  Actually taught by Young Drivers (the foremost driving school in Canada) when dealing with creatures on the road:  "If you can see over it, drive over it.  If you can see under it, drive around it."  Does that include children and midgets?  Seems kinda cold...  
  a limerick for you:  "the only thing that doesn't bore me is sex.  having no one is the pits.  those weekends you were on the rag  bore my heart to bits..."        
  "The moment:  Driving home, this girl is fondling my  peepee trough my pant as I drive.  Her  "If you didn't have morals, you'd stop right here and fuck me"  Me  "I don't have any morals, I'm just a fucking wuss, that's all."   I gotta work on this honesty thing. I think it's killing peepee.  - lewis_gmb@gmb.com  ahem  Your "peepee"? Your "peepee"??!? For God's sake, man! Have some fucking dignity! Call it your dick, cock, prick, tool, wang, johnson, member, tubesteak, piece of pork, wife's best friend, woody, willy, stiffy, dong, helmeted warrior, one-eyed trouser snake, pleasure pole, sausage, purple-headed yogurt slinger, anything but a "peepee".  Hell, if you can't remember any of these, call it your penis. Even that's better than "peepee".  Jesus!  - Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com   He's a wuss.  Isn't that the whole point?  
  Whoever invented the electric toothbrush is a god. A vibrator and teeth cleaner all in one - and you can get one at any store for $5, and not have anyone look at you funny. You can store it in plain sight, and not care.  The question is, does it leave your pussy minty fresh?  
  desperate love.  unrequited.  after asking me to marry him a billion times in the first month i met him he proceded to rip my heart out and feed it to the lepers.  i could not get him to take me back, even though he told me that i broke up with him.  months later he asked me to celebrate his birthday with him.    i went to his party.  it was late, so he said i could sleep (platonically) in his bed if i was too tired to drive home.  instead i decided to fuck his roommate/best friend since childhood.  i cried the entire time.  now i somehow think it is going to be slightly more difficult to win him back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once had a shuttlebus ride in Boston that was so utterly terrifying, I have vowed never ever to go to Boston ever again. The driver was this maniac Jordanian dude who had the heat CRANKED. He either had the gas pedal crammed to the floor or the brake pedal crammed to the floor. Meanwhile, the dispatcher was  highly pissed-off about something and he's screaming a fucking trantrum over the CB. The driver keeps laughing to himself over it in a really creepy way. The overwhelming stench of Brut cologne and body odor was wafting out of the collar of his imitation leather jacket as he reached for the cellphone, yelling at someone at the other end in Arabic, then turning up the radio which was playing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," and he was singing along with Cyndi Lauper, then reaching for the CB and yelling into it, all the while, jumping lanes, tailgating, and cramming the accelerator whenever he could and jumping on the brakes at the last possible second. By the time he dropped my CEO and I off at our hotel, I was very tempted to kick him straight in the nuts, but I paid for the ride, tipped him a couple of bucks, and the CEO and I checked in. Terrifying...  A fucking near-death experience, East Coast Style!   
  Dec. 20th 2001.....  You fuckers have a Merry X-mas/Chaunnaka/Kwanza/...whatever.  I'm going home to take some bong hits and wait for Santa.  I hope he brings a big bag of weed, some wine, and plenty of condoms....  I'll be checking in from the hacienda for a few days.  Lowbrow rules......Ho, Ho, Ho,...oh wait that's LaDee's line.  
   So Now I'm Culture  Sitting in the BrewPub last night with my boy, furiously playing tic-tac-toe. An absolutely stunning blonde comes over and asks if she can play tic-tac-toe with him. Well, of course! I lean back and watch them, reconsidering my idea of renting out my boy as a babe-magnet -- he and I could make big bucks, especially if I trained him to say cute things like: "My daddy has a big peenie." But then I suddenly recognise her: Brenda, an old crush of mine! Oops -- I remember I fucked up that one when I bet a guy a beer that I could get her phone number, and when I won, she discovered the bet and got pissed. The boy gets busy scribbling purple everywhere, and she turns to me: "My life is really lacking culture these days -- I could really use some. I'm sorry that I fucked up our relationship." Funny how people remember things differently, isn't it? Oh well, go with the flow...  
   Turns out her problem was that she had seventeen different psychological disorders.   Seventeen.  
  a friend of mine went to a fraternity to see a famous band.  they started up while he was in the bathroom taking a crap.  he didn't want to miss anything, so he cut things short to run down and see them.  then he discovered that he'd wiped his ass with his shirt tail.  so he started walking around the fraternity asking "anybody got a knife??  anybody got scissors??"   
  The next time you're in a movie, or a restaurant, and some one says "shhh" reply by saying "POOP!" in the highest pitched voice you can make.  
  I once had a shuttlebus ride in Boston that was so utterly terrifying, I have vowed never ever to go to Boston ever again. The driver was this maniac Jordanian dude who had the heat CRANKED. He either had the gas pedal crammed to the floor or the brake pedal crammed to the floor. Meanwhile, the dispatcher was  highly pissed-off about something and he's screaming a fucking trantrum over the CB. The driver keeps laughing to himself over it in a really creepy way. The overwhelming stench of Brut cologne and body odor was wafting out of the collar of his imitation leather jacket as he reached for the cellphone, yelling at someone at the other end in Arabic, then turning up the radio which was playing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," and he was singing along with Cyndi Lauper, then reaching for the CB and yelling into it, all the while, jumping lanes, tailgating, and cramming the accelerator whenever he could and jumping on the brakes at the last possible second. By the time he dropped my CEO and I off at our hotel, I was very tempted to kick him straight in the nuts, but I paid for the ride, tipped him a couple of bucks, and the CEO and I checked in. Terrifying...  A fucking near-death experience, East Coast Style!   
  My dog once ate a whole shitload of pinecones. Of course he got all bound up and couldn't take a proper dump. And what come out was some of the funkiest shit (no pun intended) I have yet encountered.  So I take the little bastard to the vet. The doc gives him the once over and tells me what's wrong. While doing all this he stuck something, a thermometer (I think) up his ass. Now picture this, I'm standing on the left front of the exam table holding the dog, the doc's on the right side and an assistant is standing beside him. As he pulled the object from my dog's ass, shit, blood, and chewed up pinecones sprayed the walls, the doc, the assistant, yet not a drop on me. Oh man I thought everybody was gonna hurl.  Needless to say the vet asked me not to come back again.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am the perfect guy, except that I have an generally unattractive body and I fall in love with lesbians and crazy ladies, exclusively.  
  Ok, so I had just gotten my second tongue piercing a few days ago and I was on my way to work.  I had to stop at a quickie mart and pick up some listerine.  I chose the regular flavor and the cashier said "you know we have the mint flavor", to which I replied...  I don't drink it for the taste  
  When you next see someone wearing something hideously disgusting remember this : At some point in there life, one day, they stood infront of a shop mirror and said to themself - "This looks good on me! I'm gonna pay money for it!"  
  i was in the car with my freind , he was talking to his girlfreind on the phone me and my other freind in the back seat start moaning and making sex noises while he was on the phone. he was telling us to stop so we did it louder and right before he hung up and said bye i screamed  " stick it in my ass chris!!!! " his girlfreind  has hated us ever since ......  
  a cousin of mine once worked at an indoor running track. he said he watched a couple drive around for 30 minutes to find a parking spot really close to the door.  
  The events of Sept. 11 have even affected the house pets.  All three of them have new names.  Hammy, the Lebanese hamster, was a no-brainer. He's now Hamas.  Skinny Kitty is now Skinnywa, which makes no sense until we get to Fat Kitty*, who is now called Fatwa.  ------------------  *Grand-daughter of Maybelline, for you compulsive reloaders.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was vacationing in Cape Hatteras, NC when I noticed this billboard for a local restaurant named Dirty Dicks. It's logo was "I got my crabs from dirty dicks." Now that's quality marketing!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once noticed a green thing poking straight outta my cat's butt. Upon closer incpection it was a blade of grass.  I slowly pulled out about 4 inches of smooth green grass blade.  Nice kitty.  
  A Haiku:  Your Mom, oh, your Mom. Can't think of a bigger whore. Herpes A and B.        
  There was a woman who came into my work today.  She was wearing a shirt that said "Cooters autobody" But that's not the funnyest part. The caption read "Here's Crazy Cooter Comin' At Ya!"  
  Just read a lowbrow moment, about not knowing what "skorts" are and having to worry about breaking the dress code while on jury duty.  Skorts are a combination of shorts and a skirt -- basically wide-legged shorts with a flap across the front, so they look like a skirt from the front, and shorts from the back.  Yet another random fact from my memory... like the time, in a freshman philosophy class, we read a piece discussing (among other things) the ethics of snuff films.  "What's a snuff film?" some innocent asked, to general shrugs from my classmates.  I explained.  The shock on their faces made it plain they'd never look at me quite the same way again...  
  Its ok to piss in the sink.  Really.  Urine is sterile.  Its even ok to piss in the kitchen sink.  Even in the dark.  Just not in the sponge aparently.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one day at school me and a couple of my friends were out in the hall just sitting there talking. i started to laugh and my shoe squeeked on the ground. they were both like, "Ew dude did you just glee fart?" being my oblivious self i asked, "whats a glee fart?" "its when youre laughing so hard that you let the gas out" just then i laughed my ass off and did indeed glee fart for the whole world to hear   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nothing, nothing can shake the undeniable cool firm fact that all love-emotion is just a evolutionary trick to get humans to procreate.  Why? Because our ancestors procreated, passing the procreation genes on to us, better procreators.  One planet, fill er up.   That means my love doesn't mean anything, and I know I could never convince her, them... but once I do it, it won't matter anymore.  God, love, time, dark, light... all those words the ignorant throw into their pale attempts at true poetry mean nothing, if you can pull the trick...  I devoted my life to happiness and expansion of the mind and spirit, like when I read Keats.   Fun, but if I run my car off a bridge or send twin shotgun blasts through my head none of it will matter anymore.  I see no reason to fight when you can give in, to make the journey when you can visualize the destinations.  Once, a very nice girl said to me "You don't believe in God?  What do you live for?" In my mind, I did the comical forehead smack.  Honestly... manufacturing a reason to live, and life is rough? No reason to fear death.  I've seen the movie (my life) through the previews, its okay but maybe not worth the time.    Just set to work on those inhibitions... should I succeed, maybe I can write a nice book to help others along their fatal way.    It's too bad I can't discuss things with my friends without them contributing their own feeble poorly thought out attempts...  If I could solidly convince everyone (even myself)  that Life is casual chance... the universe could return to a great stillness, as it should.   
  I am staying at $600 a night hotel in Switzerland. It is very well appointed. They have all the latest technology in their rooms, most interesting of which is one of those toilets that washes and dries one's arse. I had heard about "TOTO", the Japanese company that makes them,  for some time and viewed them with curiousity. Even without actually using it the "extended butt-washing features", the toilet made a noise like a lawnmower when one sat down on it.  The second day, curiousity got the better of me. So after finishing my business,  while still sitting on the seat, I reach around and push what must be the bathroom equivalent of the "eject button". First a diferent timbre of noise, a brief silence, then water jets start assaulting my asshole. After a several seconds of rather bizarre and uncomfortable weirdness, I wonder whether its "washed everything" and so I shift my position slightly and next thing I know water is squirting all over my back nearly up to my neck. And the jets continue....."is it broken", I wonder? How long does it have to go before its clean? What if it doesn't stop?  It doesn't stop, so finally I stand up and sit back down. The jets cease but water is now on all over me and the floor. When my returns to the seat, the lawnmower or butt-dryer starts whirring. Given how wet my back and butt are, I reckon it will take 15 minutes to get fully dry. Fuck''em, say I, and so I take a hotel towel and dry myself. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe that there is a large future in this technology    
     My body gives off this weird electro-magnetic field, possibly due to a near death experience I had when I was a child.  It makes watches stop when I wear them, and pagers go off at random.  Beyond that I don't really think about it much.  Then last Sunday while watching the "X-files", my housemate and his boyfriend made me switch places in the living room till we got the most optimal TV reception.    
  i was talking to a friend of mine the other day about a show that was coming up. "steve's a bouncer there, so i think he can get us in." she rolled her eyes when she said his name. i asked her why, and she told me  "because he's a looser who spend s  all his time with high school kids." i felt like screaming  "then why did you have to fucking sleep with him?!"  
  Yes, I know that if I get a large soda I get a refill. I have been to the movies before and you people tell me every single time. I don't think anyone can drink that much soda. I ordered a SMALL soda, not a LARGE soda. If I had wanted a LARGE soda I would have said something like, "Hi, I would like a large soda please." instead of, "Small soda please." which is what I said. Do you get a bonus for selling a certain amount of large sodas, fired for not selling enough of them, or do you really think it's such a   *Spec-Fucking-Tacular Deal on Soda Pop*  that you just have to stop  every customer from making a terrible mistake??  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Visiting a fancy estate and public gardens, down in the richest of the rich suburbs.  Mother-in-law is visiting wife, comes along for the day.  While wife and mother-in-law were inspecting choice roses, I (drunk) shat in pants.  Ooops!  Muttered that I was excusing myself to find the bathroom, and backed away.  Found bathroom, inspected damage.  Extensive.    Fortunately was wearing the only pair of underpants to my name at the time, which were used to absorb the worst of the damage and thrown into the garbage can in the restroom.  Just as one of the groundskeepers wandered in, immediately followed by another male visitor to the gardens.  Hi, fellas!  Fortunately the rich and their servants are bred to discretion, and my embarrassing little contre-temps was ignored.  Or was it?  Who knows.   Accompanied by a slightly penetrating odor, I made my escape from the men's bathroom and rejoined the tour.  "What's that smell?" "Dunno, they must be fertilizing today."  The 2.5 hour drive back was spent in silence.      
  Over the phone she tells me that she's been diagnosed with kidney stones. "I'm not going back to work until I pass them. It's too painful," she tells me. glub-glub-glub-glub-glub I know what that sound is. "You taking bong hits?" I ask. "Purely for medicinal purposes," she replies.  
  I was craving chocolate.  I do the strangest things when I'm craving chocolate.  Does everyone do strange things when they crave chocolate?  What does it mean?  So anyway, I didn't have any chocolate and I was craving it really bad.  But not bad enough to go out to the store.  So I ate some carob chips that my girlfriend bought.  Yuck!  I don't know who decided carob chips are an acceptable substitute for chocolate, but they were wrong, wrong, wrong.  In the end, I had to settle for very strong, very oversweetened coffee, and that seemed to do the trick.  But first I threw out the carob chips.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ypou know what really bothers me, i go out and bust my ass alot for minimum wage. getting spat on and kicked all the way through. yet golfers, who aren't even atheletes, get millions of dollers for hitting a fucking ball with a club. and they have the nerve to be angry when some one makes a noise during their shot, so much so that person is ejected from the course.  what a fucking bunch of babies.    - owstopthat@yahoo.com -------------------------- Yes...but I'm sure that they can spell dollars....and coarse..and someone.. maybe there's a reason you get minimum wage?  
  We're high, laying on a halfway open futon, watching Sponge Bob.  She looks over at me and says "I'm too tired to fart."  That's when I knew it was love.  
  While making a grilled cheese sandwich, I read the back of the bread bag. "Ovenjoy bread. You'll love the taste. You'll love the price." The bread cost me 79 cents a loaf (sometimes two for a dollar if my Safeway Club card is treating me right).  Directly below this, in big uppercase letters is: EAT MORE BREAD DAILY.   Of course. How else are they going to make a profit at 79 cents a loaf?  
  I'm in a Public Speaking course at school, and we have to record all of the speeches we give.  I'm at the mall with my girlfriend, and I mention that I need to buy a blank videotape.  She asks "Why?"  I jokingly respond "To tape porn movies."  She comes back "Hmmm... better buy two then."  I think I want to marry her.  
  I had been masturbating to Xena Warrior Princess for almost an hour (specifically to Callisto played by Morgan Leigh) when my friend Dave dropped by unexpectedly.    I stuffed my member away as he walked in.  "Hey it smells like cum in here." he said.  "How would you know?" I said.  He blushed for all he was worth and so did I.    And it remained unspoken ever after - that most men have seen and smelled more cum (semen that is) than most women.  Emphasis on Most.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I drove my carless buddy to the downtown BMV to get him a new ID, since he couldn't get into the bar with his broken and expired one. Standing in line behind several cracked-out dregs and welfare leeches, he whispers to me; "You know what I hate about coming to these places? They're always filled with the LCD." By which he meant Lowest Common Denominator. I laughed. Not because I caught his reference, but because it was 40 degrees out and he was wearing sandals and nylon pants, and he was getting his broken ID replaced after more than six months. "Pot calling Kettle. Come in, Kettle."  
  so I have my ears stretched with 'flesh tunnels'   I think they're up to 7/16.  anyway, they stink really bad from all the dead skin trying to grow that can't and ends of up rotting in the lobe of my ear.  so whenever I'm sitting in class and th people around me are being bitches I just play with my ear a little bit to get some of that stench riding around. then I leave to go to get a drink of water or something    
  I ran into girl who always ignored me through high school because i was an actress *apparantly individuality was looked down upon*.  She was a real prep, cheerleader, fake tan...BRIGHT WHITE HAIR...the whole fake girl bit. well now she's decided to become an actress.  and she said to me "i never knew how hard it was to pretend to be someone else."    my response "YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 6 YEARS BITCH, YOU THINK IT WOULDn'T be THAT hard."  
  Overheard on the campus bus today:   Female Student: Who'd you have for Calculus last year?  Male Student: Mr Allen.  Female Student: Oh, that guy's a bore.  Male Student: Nah, he's a good teacher.  Female Student: Which one is Mr Allen again?  
  You know that Citizen Kane was based on the life of William Randolph Hearst?  Well I heard that "Rosebud" was Hearst's nickname for his mistress's clitoris.  I've realized now that Kane is a comedy.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at this girls house and we just got done having a conversation about sex.  Then she asked me if I "wanna go".  After I opened my mouth, I realized she was asking me to leave.  That's when I inserted my foot.   
  see it really is a social experiment to see how an e community e community questionmark is formed said the windbag to me bullshit said i annoyed at the buzz chewer its just lowbrow        
  So I'm at a party and a girl there proudly proclaims that she is from China, RED CHINA to be exact. I sit and listen to her go on about how great it is and how capitalists are pigs. Eventually I piped up that I was polish, and my family wasn't exactly too hot on the whole communism idea.  The real fun started when she began to get drunk and told me that I was clairvant.  I'd like to thank all my fellow capitalist pigs who brewed that booze she belted down, you guys sure as hell made my evening end on a high note.  
  i recently spent a while at the house of a kid i knew in middle school.  the one who puked pink chunky liquid all over my nice clean blue and black suede pumas.  "you know why i puked that day?" he asked.  "i tried to kill myself that morning by taking too many pills.  "your shoes saved my life."  
  Turns out that not only did the affair that I DIDN'T have with her put a torch to her relationship between her and her husband, but it also torched her relationship with her boyfriend...  
  While lying under a carnival trailer late at night to fold up the legs, a man and woman walked around to the back, but didn't see me.  The guy looked both ways and said "S' ok hon, go ahead. Nobodys looking". She lifted her skirt and squated down about 2 feet away and pissed right toward my face. They never saw me.  At fourteen, it wasn't the best first sexual encounter one might want, but hey, it sure cleared up a lot of mysteries.    
  I'm a nude crude rude dude - loud and proud - walking-talking bs maestro        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He was the High school varsity quarterback injecting himself into a conversation.  I was the 5'10" 130lbs kid that didn't take shit from anyone.  He: You couldn't even beat your own ass.  Me: Hey, ______, I will beat your fucking ass.  (he grabs my shirt and pulls me to about an inch away from him)  He: What did you say?  Me: I said, "Hey, ______, I will beat your fucking ass"  He drags and throws me across the cafeteria.  He would later  punch me in the face when we were off school grounds.  Was it worth it?  Fuck yeah, because I let everyone in the cafeteria know (including him) that he wasn't invinsible.  He let me know that I wasn't either.  
  In my town we have a used car dealer who uses lions and tigers in his commercials.  Once in a while he'll have them there at the dealership and you can have your photo taken with them.  I thought this would be cool to see so my friend and I went down there to see the tigers.  The handler sat me down in this chair and brought this huge male tiger next to me.  To my horror the tiger immediately started humping me.  I tried to escape but he just grabbed me with his claws.  Finally the handler got him off me.  As terrifying of an experience as it was it was worth it.  How many people can say they've been humped by a tiger?  
  Hey guess what you know how Pizza Hut  has those "Pasta Bake" thingamajiggies that's like a casserole dish with pasta and stuff in it and a nice crust on top?  Yeah well, by law they don't have to wash those casserole dishes because their ovens are so hot.  That wonderful, nice looking, home style  crust inside against the dish and on the edge has been there through many many strange and wonderful pasta scarfers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the '70s, the father of this guy I used to know was in college.  He slept with lots of chicks, & one of them gave him crabs.  He tried everything to get rid of them but couldn't.  One day, he tried spraying his crotch with Raid.  The only thing that actually worked, go figure.  A word to the wise, however:  judging from his kid, genital contact with Raid does some scary shit to your sperm.  
  one day in early october i went on a cross country road trip (as in distance running) to Caimbridge, Ohio.  I have a habit of drinking lots of water.. and consquently peeing longer than some people can hold their breath  anyway, i was quite hydrated on this trip, and so we finally arrived in caimbridge and stopped by a supermarket to go the bathroom.. problem 1: i almost pissed my pants because of the incline to the supermarket. problem 2: it was under construction, and no toilets available  so my coach decided to let me out by some bushes outside the supermarket.  i started to piss..  behind me, i hear a truck drive by and stop, i look and see that it has cut the van i was riding in off  i keep pissing  i hear mumbles and can hear the tones of a quite interesting dialect.. i know i am in trouble, but i kept pissing  after 1.5 - 2 minute (seriously) i waddle back to the van, and as i climb in the truck blocking it pulls out  first thing i am told: "That's a $10,000 fine"  
  I added God to my buddy list.  I set it to alert me when He gets online.  I have a bone to pick with Him...  
  Man, nothing perks up a morning like cruising the hometown obits. Unless it's finding that the name in there of the bastard who dumped you in high school and learning he never rose above janitor... now that will carry you all day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         what sucks is, is that no matter how much you masterbate, it will never replace the urning, burning desire to have some one there, with you,  so you don't have to do all the work.  
  I steal remotes   but that's only from people I don't know like at parties i'll steal thier tv remote   i get extra bonus points if it's one of those all in one remotes because then they have to get off thier asses to change the radio station, tv channel, rewind a movie, ect.   I have a box full of remotes.   but i think I'm gonna throw em away and start over and keep note of where it came from and what happened at the party, or why I was at this stranger's house   I'll tape little notes to the back   or you know those big boxes for bug collecting?   i should make some for the remotes and hang them on my wall with a little note under each remote about where and how it was 'hunted' and 'caught'    that would kick ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote the only reason she hated dumping me was because she didn t have anyone to fight with and would have to deal with her fucked up little mind little in the scope and breadth of understanding and self awareness endquote must really suck knowing you only purpose was to be a whipping boy and you got suckered in by some lameass         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Time to feel old when you can't wack off more than 3 times in a day without your cock hurting.  
  Checking voicemail at work:  first message: "hey sexy, you know who this is....had a great time with you..." hangs up.  HAVE NO IDEA WHO IT WAS!  Guys, when you call a girl you are fucking, LEAVE YOUR NAME.......  you never know if you are the only one...  
  Have you ever given head to a guy the night before and then half way through the day you realize your mouth taste horrible, like a mixture those cigs you just chained smoked, that liter of coffee you just downed and then that other taste.  What is that other taste?  Then I say to myself,  you stupid bitch...you forgot to brush your teeth after you sucked that guy off.  Man...those are the days I should just stay in bed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A Cheetah is the fastest animal on land  Okay, I'll buy that.  There are over 250,000,000 americans today.   Okay, I'll buy that.   A Computer can perform billions of operations a second.  Okay, I'll buy that.  "Careful sir, the plate's hot."  Let me investigate this one myself.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I offered a joint to a cop I met this weekend - she refused, but shared her bottle of OB sherry with me while I smoked. Later on, her sargeant and his deputy show up, and we all finish off two more bottles of cheap wine before leaving them to drive home way over the limit and high as a kite.   My god I love living in South Africa.  
  3 years after leaving school and I'm at a friends 22nd party, she's a bit mad but is one of the best friends a person can wish for. For this party she gets a bouncy castle and invites a load of people from school she hasn't seen in a while.  There's bouncing, drinking and catching up. There is also the girl from school I had the biggest crush on and she's still stunning.  We're older, we talk, drink, catch up and bounce and end up kissing in the middle of this bouncy castle. All my birthdays have come at once, even though we both know there's nothing in it.   We cuddle goodbye and I feel great.  3 weeks later I'm at another old friends party and she's there, we dont really get time to say hello again. She spends most of the night getting it on with a guy from school who lost both his legs to a train while drunk.  Guess it was his turn to feel great.  
  I has an A&P class in college.  We had an entire week devoted to bodily secretions, including semen.  As we are talking about its chemical makeup, and the fact that it is very low in sodium(salt), a very pretty young lady in the front row asked:  "If it doesn't have a lot of sodium in it, why does it taste so salty?"  We were speechless.  Sadly, she never came back to class.  
  I met a real live porn star today.  She gave a guest lecture at college, and posed a good question:  Is there any logical reason for the city to be spending so much of its resources to keep guys from being able to get a blowjob for $50?  Or to keep women from making $50 off a blowjob?  I didn't think so either.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         New people moved in where the Skank From Okie used to live. We said hi a few times when we'd pass by, then one day the guy invites us into the back yard to see his lawn. It was lush and green and beautiful, while those around it were brown and scraggly. "I just don't understand it" he said, running his hands through the grass and pulling up a handful to sift the soil between his palms.  "Yeah, it's... great" I said, restraining myself not to laugh hysterically at the thought of how oh so many times Skank had shit in the back yard, too drunk to go inside the house.   We managed not to shake hands with him when we left.   
  bits of classic (yet all-too-accurate) advice from my father: a) don't shave before you get in the shower, because the stubble runs down and gets caught in your pubes, and that itches. b) the key to driving drunk is to forget you're drunk. c) removable shower-heads are excellent weapons in the battle against hemorrhoids. d) (after getting busted having sex at age 14 by my mother, one of those "wait until your father finds out" lectures)... just make sure you get the spericidal ones. i'll remember more later. my dad rules.  
  Whenever visiting a urinal, upon getting my dick out they always seem to start cleaning themselves....  Can't help but feel a little rejected.  
  if you have seen this message more then 7 times in 36 hours, its time for you to get help.  
  Every time I rant about drivers in Houston and my son is present, he says, "Mom, it's a matter of physics. They don't get it."  So that's the answer to the traffic problem?  My response was, "They're just stupid. You can't fix stupid."  
  sssshhhhhhhh dont look now  but the guy writing this is standing right behind you NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! dont turn around just stay calm dont look if you look he will leave see i told you he would leave    
   So, I'm sitting in the theater watching "Il Postino", and I'm thinking"Thank God this is subtitled, I can't understand a word he's saying".       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know it's a good shit if it gives you the chills as it comes out.  
  really someone cruises lowbrow snarfing  email addresses so they can send you jesus mail about how to save your soul really kinda apropos  you know low  
  new years eve a bunch of years ago (okay, not too many)..... out drinking, waited a good long time, 5 or 6 hours to ensure my soberness but i would most likely fail to blow a 0.00 which is the legal limit for a person under 21 (New York State's zero tolerance law takes away your lisence if you fail....)im driving home and this car comes flying up my ass. i pick up my speed as they are obviously in a huge hurry and theres a double yellow so they cant pass (i was already going over the speed limit) flashing lights come on, my little friend behind me is a cop. i cant breathe, i break out into a sweat, realizing im about to lose my lisence. i pull over, trying to work up some tears. he whizzes by like nothing, turns the lights off. the bastard wanted to pass me on a double yellow so he could drive 20 miles over the speed limit. thank god.  
  Pretty palm trees, I thought, standing under one. Don't the palm fronds look so light and delicate? Wait til one falls off and crashes, like a broom tied to a heavy baseball bat, missing you by a few inches. Delicate stuff can pack a surprising wallop.        
  is it so wrong of me to let the chef do belly button shots while i lie on the dough table and let the waiter lick my armpit after the resturant i work at closes?  is it worse that i accepted money for it?      
  We found a telephone pole at the intersection downtown that had an electrical outlet at the base of it. How convenient. We'd hook up amps there sometimes in the summer and play guitar. One day we had an old TV we wanted to get rid of, so we plugged it in there and set it on the park bench. It seemed strangely surreal and somehow beatiful, the talking head in the deserted intersection.  It's such a small town that the cops knew exactly who had done it and came to our apartment to tell us to go get it. We'd already forgot about it by then, but I guess it was a big deal down at the station. A bunch of fucking Columbos down there, huh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the quote is:  Most fun restaurant I've ever been to is a place called Dick's Last Resort. The waitresses were all hired for their abilities to mess with the customers' minds. One walked up to my table, shoved me off my chair and sat down, exclaiming "My god, I'm so damn tired. I need a beer."  After the meal, we were dividing up the check and she came over to kibbitz about the math, while we began to fuss about whose turn it was to leave the tip. "Tip?" she yelled. "Tip? Hell, you should put me through college. Damn right I need a tip!"   She never even blinked when I reached out and tweaked her nipple, telling her she was doing fine in the tip department.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   ---------------------------------------  as it so happens, ive been there too. i was too young for a place like that...maybe 10 years old?  i have no clue  anyways, they made me wear a paper hat that said "i eat poo" and kept calling me names  should have been a bad night....but i just stared at the pictures of half naked woman lining all of the walls.  and i dont remember if we tipped the waitress  
  9th grade, i was good friends with this one guy, we hung out, smoked pot, went to the beach, used his home phone's calling card to call various girls from various locations.   Then he pissed me off.   I proceeded to give all my friends his calling card number and access code, including my friend that was out of state so he could dial his isp long distance and be online.   I heard he got the shit kicked out of him by his parents because of a ridiculously high phone bill.   Sucker  
  casey: "It's not a drinking problem, it's an alcohol-based solution." me: (to the bartender)  "I now realize that I'm hanging out with the perfect group of people. .. Give us another round."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why is it every time i drink jack Daniels i wake up in the gutter with my pants around my ankles  
  driving. jaywalker steps out in front of me. and very slowly walks across the street, being careful not to spill his little cup of starbucks. i glare and smash my fist into the horn. he jumps and spills his coffee all over himself. i laugh and drive around him.  
  my friend mike worked at a movie theater with his girlfriend (who my other friend mike refers to as "the horse") and they ended up having sex in just about every area of the theater, on separate occaisions, just so they could laugh at people and say "heheh, they're standing where we had sex!"  one time they did it in the box office, with her back up against the window.  the next day he wasn't working, and he came in, and saw this wierd looking outline on the window. no one could figure out what it was. (it was "the horse"'s back print)   so mike ran in, grabbed some window-washing stuff and started scrubbing furiously.   everyone wondered thought mike was so industrious that day.   
  I was looking at my huge championship ring that I had set in my naval and was thinking, "I'll bet her new boyfriend will never do that."  Her loss.        
  I don't even really notice it's gone until I look for it. Can't even tell when I'm walking that it's missing.  My pinky toe on my right foot has been gone for 4 years now.  We got into an arguement, started wresting, and the bitch bit it off cause I would'nt say "uncle".  She but it off and threw it into the pond.  I've learned since then to date less psychos.  Of course, the next one shot me.   
  classic quote from one of my dad's best friends: "nobody ever called me a dirty young man... i haven't changed a bit... why do i gotta be a dirty old man now?"  
        I was at this barbeque and they had these deviled eggs there.  And I was poppin' 'em like tic tacs all day long... Every time I pass by the patio on the way to the pool I"m downin' two or three more... It got so's I was inhalin' 'em like I was some kinda fuckin' wild animal... So my question is: why is it that I can take down twenty or thirty deviled egg halves over the course of an afternoon?  (That's, like, fifteen fuckin' eggs!)...But I'd never think of eatin' fifteen or twenty fuckin' fried eggs! Or poached even... That'd be friggin' nasty... So what gives?  
  For the first few months I lived in Austin, Texas, I felt like I was in somebody else's independent film.  The feeling never left -- so I did.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Poor Britney (NYT 10/06/02)  Britney Spears, the pop star who brought sizzle to the schoolyard with glitter T-shirts and short shorts, strode onto a Milan runway last Tuesday evening in a $23,000 rainbow-spangled gown by Donatella Versace. It was the culmination of Ms. Spears's two-month intermission from work, ostensibly to relax but in reality to begin the process of refashioning herself for a new career. It will take more than one body-hugging dress and some nude chiffon to do the job. After her appearance in leather regalia at the MTV Video Music Awards in August, Steven Cojocaru, a fashion critic for People magazine, wrote, "Was Spears planning on doing a Village People tribute?"  The movement she led, said Craig Marks, the editor of Blender, the music magazine, is "very five minutes ago." "They are really tired of that sausage-casing look, that busting out all over the place, and they are very anti-midriff right now," Ms. Holley said. "It's a Britney backlash."   
  i started writing a book of short stories called "wet farts on a sunday afternoon" there were some pretty funny stories that needed to be written then i stumbled into the lowbrow   end of story  
  A friend of mine took a mutual friend and his girlfriend to the Chevrolet dealership to pick up his brand new Corvette.  The next day we learned that just a few miles down the road, as she gave him the baptismal blowjob in the cool new ride, they hit a bump, it gagged her, and she threw up in his lap.  
  the conversation degraded rapidly no man i m telling you she was so horrible in bed she just lay there waiting for me to do her like she was too good to hafta put any effort in that at one point i took her wrist and looked at my wrist like i was checking my watching miming like i was looking for her pulse she didnt even get the joke         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Him:  Hey, decent blow job the other night.  Me:  Thanks.  Him:  Your speed is good, but technique is so so.   Me:  Um...it only took you 5 minutes to get off, couldn't have been that bad.  Him:   You should moan, make noises, slurp at least.  Me:  So basically...fake it? (followed by fuming silence)  Him:  Yeap.  So, wanna do it again tonight?  Me:  **CLICK**  
  Drunk at party with girlfriend.  Fellate imaginary penis than use thumb to show her gay friend what you'll be getting tonight.  Hope she doesn't see it.  Pass out on her floor and piss.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I was reading one particular moment, from a lowbrower with nipple hair and a happy trail, a warm fuzzy overtook me.  "Finally," I thought, "somebody who feels my pain.  Perhaps we can start a support group for hairy women?"  Then I realized it was a guy.  
  I'm glad I didn't screw her that night because she's dumb as dirt and not really that cute and besides that: Every time I see her her ass is just a tiny bit bigger. It's quite large now. Maybe if I'd balled her that time it would have happened again and then it might have become a habit and then before I knew what had happened we'd be "going out" and then she'd be my "girlfriend" and then maybe the whole ass getting larger thing might not have been as evident to me until it was too late and I suddenly had a girlfriend with a  BIG FAT ASS . (Nope, not a big butt guy. Slightly big is pleasant of course.)  
  "So, want to go back to her dorm for a foursome?" I asked.  Hey, after 3 shots of vodka, a long island iced tea, and a white russion, i had already made out /w a guy, why not level thigns back out and do something very hetro? Besides, it's always been a fantasy of mine.  To my surprise the other couple agreed. We drove back to my girlfriend's dorm, turned on the blacklight, cranked some Elvis Costello, and had some fun.  Er... Ever notice how fantasies never turn out the way you think they will?  The other girl was mostly attracted to the other guy. Now, i was expecting to get a little poon from a NEW girl, ya know? Not that my girlfriend is a bad lay, far from it, but i wanted some variety.  Turns out this was for the best. We lay up in her bed and watched those two fuck in several imaginative positions. It wasn't until she was really getting into it that we noticed... the smell.  Seems this poor girl's musk was about as potent as three or four regular girls.  We had let them borrow my girlfriend's comforter, which was a big mistake.  6 washings later, it still stunk of poon.  It's now named "the skanket"  
  We went to this sushi place for my friend's birthday.  The sushi was horrible.  The rest of the food was good but when you go for sushi and the sushi and service are bad, you get pissy.  So we decided to steal all the cool little bowls and plates from the place.  We had several of them stashed in pockets and purses and we ready to go, fully equiped with a new set of Oriental dishware. Then we noticed the cameras all over the restuarant. Sigh, we chickened out and put everything out but I bet when they watch the tape, they get really confused.  
  my cat and i like to fight (well she doesn't like it much) and i've acquired myriad little scars all over my forearms and hands in our years together.  anyway, that wretched feline just gave me a fresh one on the back of my hand, and i noticed that it intersects another cat scratch (long since scarred over) at a perfect 90  angle.  makes me wonder if i could get her to scratch a message or a picture or something into my hand, that would stay there for the rest of my life. hey, free cosmetic scarification.  of course, i could just cut myself with a scalpel. but that wouldn't make quite as good a story, would it?  
  My brother, a guy up the street and I decided to boobie trap the front door when we were kids. We got one of those tubes that you whiped through the air made noise and a 2 liter bottle of coke. We drank the coke, the pissed and crapped in the bottle. We found shaving foam and toothpaste and shoved that in there too. We then got someone to come over. The plan was as the door bell rang we would pour this concoction onto his head from the attic through this crack we calculated was over the front door (his roof hung over his front door in other words). Doorbell rang, pouring started. Nothing hit the guy. Instead the guy whose hourse it was ended up with 2 liters of urine, feces, shaving foam and toothpaste in his roofing insulation.   That guy was a dick anyway.  
  "Put on your seatbelt," I warned him.  He gave me this incredulous look and told me that seat belts aren't safe.  "Suit yourself," I told him as I  took my Bug through a hard left.  He leaned into the door, which promptly flew open, sending him tumbling out onto the street. I stopped and waited for him to pick himself up and get in the car.  "Put on your seatbelt," I warned him.  
  One day, walking to my car, I saw a fairly well-dressed man driving down the street in a Toyota Camry.  At first, he tried sticking his head out of the window, but then resigned to opening the car door.  Since this was a fairly busy road and I had no clue what was going on, I shouted, "hey idiot, what do you think you're doing?"  That's when I saw him vomit up about a liter of the foulest looking pleura ever.  I just said, "oh", quietly as he pulled into the Phillip's station.  
  When I was 11 I swam at the pool at the park. A girl my age would swim. I used to call her "long blon-DAY". One day she got a haircut. So I called her "short blon-DAY"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I made a giant, scrumptious poppy seed orange cake. I like it to be almost black with poppy seeds.  Got extremely baked and ate the whole thing in one sitting.  Next night I notice I am shitting 80% poppy seed.  Same night boyfriend comes over. We start to fuck and he informs me that I have a few poppy seeds in my ass crack; ass hair to be precise. He said, "Damn, at first I thought you had crabs."  
  "Jack off today. I'll have my pager. Call me if you need me."  --Email from our sales manager, "Jack", for some strange reason in the third person.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "We're not going to have a meeting of the minds on this one, I'm afraid," Tim said.  No, Tim, I'm afraid we're not. My mind has better things to do than wait around for something that isn't going to show up.  
  A girl asked me if i wanted some. I aked what the some was. She said that i knew. I asked myself if i wanted some. I replied what some was. I said that she knows. I asked what some was. She opened her jacket zipper and pointed to the Marijauana. I was sure she meant pussy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one of my old enlish teachers used to berate my procrastination skills.  "ben, you've dug yourself a nice deep hole.  and now you've fallen in!"  it woudn't have been so bad if she hadn't pushed me.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I lost my virginity at 16.  It wasn't so bad that it was in the back of car.  But what was bad was that he couldn't figure out how to work the first condom,  or the second.  So by the third (and last) condom he had to turn on the dome light and read the directions.  By that time his dick was half soft and I'd say the moment was pretty much gone.  Thanks asshole, I didn't want to write about losing my virginity in "Dear Diary" anyway.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were at the Columbus Zoo in the monkey & ape compound. We were watching the gorillas. Specifically, we watched a young male gorilla scratch his nuts for about 10 minutes. When he was done, he looked around sneakily, and proceeded to lick his palm. Fabulous, indeed.  
  The shocker: using your first two fingers in her vagina and pinky in her ass. Variations include the Chopper (four fingers in her vag), the Spock-er (probably self-explainitory), and the Rocker (metal sign inserted down there). All of them are fun do and have exciting names.  
  My buddy and I decided while we were at the Indian buffet that there was no reason to have sliced off the top of the "drumsticks" where they had unless there had been some joint up there not found in a chicken. Oh well, they were good "drumsticks".  
  I said: You know, we're in the process of ending our marriage, are you sure we should be doing this?  She said: Shut up and fuck my ass.   There are some things you just can't argue with.  
  I saw a bumpersticker on a car that said "Jesus is coming - SOON." I wondered how long the sticker had been there.  
  When we got to the dorm, we walked down a hospital-white hallway, towards the elevator, along a trail of blood.  Tripping balls, I said "This is one of those scenes in a horror film you can't believe the characters walk into."  When the elevator door opened, the janitors told us to take the stairs.  
  I forgot to put my name in the Email place, and when I returned here, my whole lowbrow moment was gone.  *Sighs*  Rewrite time. I just got done spinning pizzas at work for the morning crowd of mall workers, yuppies, and rich shmucks who happened to have a Friday morning off.  (Aside from making pizza, I spent a good ten minutes writing www.lowbrow.com on dollar bills while waiting for the clock to strike 12). I was sitting in the food court waiting for my friend, staring blankly ahead of me.  Suddenly, woman A sits down DIRECTLY in my line of vision, about five or six tables down from me.  She was one of the least attractive people I've ever seen in my life . . . which is far too nice of a thing to say about her.  She shoved her overweight body into the chair and before she was sitting down, she'd already scarfed down half a garlic roll. I watched in fascination and disgust as she shoveled food in at a sloppy and rapid pace.  At one point, she had spaghetti hanging down from her mouth down to her stomach, mouth already puffy from more garlic rolls, and she picked up her Ames bag and began going through her purchases, trailing spaghetti all over the table and her bag as she ATE IT. I dug my fingers into my temples and stared blatantly and unflinchingly at her uncomprehending eyes, praying that some act of god would make her stop eating and put me out of my misery. I saw her on the bus on my way downtown.  She had spaghetti sauce all over her chest.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i work at a supermarket. best order ever?? an oldish lady and a young boy for a packet of smokes, a frozen chicken, pack of rubber gloves, condoms, lube and some cream in a can... i went home,huddled in a corner and repeated over and over  "gotta be unrelated"...."gotta be unrelated"...  
  Low on cash but full of revenge ideas, I settled for the jumbo jar of vaseline.  Good on doorknobs, car door handles, and all over windows. You can also put food coloring in it for an artistic swirly effect.  The downside is your hands smell like a protology convention afterwards, but it's a small price to pay.  
  okay, i just read the 'brow about eating all the cereal because they were stoned.  my mate dave has done one up from that. dave is a pothead, pure and simple. his neighbour and friend was having a b'day party and she had a table full of party food. dave being dave, got really fucking wasted, and ate the whole fucking lot. the cake, all the chips, and he even ate handfuls of dip, with his hands no less.  we love dave.  
  Ever watch Disney's "Beauty and the Beast"? Ya know that part where Lumiere (The candlestick) and the Duster are getting it on? Duster: Oh no! Lumiere: Oh YES! Duster: Oh no! Lumiere: Oh YES, YES, YES!  That is the funniest thing at two in the morning... and we weren't even drunk.  
   Another Government Ad Campaign That Doesn't Work  Britain seems to have a big underage drinking problem, even though the legal age is 18. Tabloids are full of stories about 12 year-olds collapsing in school and so on. One imaginative ad on the side of a bus: Cartoon of a young kid with bubbles coming out of his ears. Caption: "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR!" Just like any Government ad campaign, I 'spect it misfires and just tells kids how many tequilas they need to reach the desired state...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as a freshman in high school it can be pretty traumatic when a cute girl points out the fact that she can see your boner....  
  Flew from Tokyo to Nashville to meet a potential business partner. The meeting goes well until I go out to my locked rental car and see the keys dangling innocently from the ignition. Shit. He and I pry the window away from the seal and get the car unlocked.  Next, I follow him to his house where we pick up his wife and all go out to dinner at a barbecue restaurant. Here in the South, when you order iced tea from a barbecue restaurant, they bring a friggin' pail of the stuff! He and his wife are sitting across from me and the waitress has just brought our drinks. As usual, I'm talking with my hands. I make a jesture that hits the top of my glass, tipping it away from me and sending a quart of iced tea into his lap. I apologized profusely and he assured me that it was okay, as he proceeded to use nearly all the napkins in the dispenser. Sorry, Bill...  
   Jewish Christmas  Her father doesn't want her to come.  He: "Where is he from? Where are you going to be sleeping?" She, using Clintonesque spin: "He's Scottish. It's a really old farmhouse - there are lots of rooms..." Her mother doesn't want her to come - she's never met me. But they buy her ticket anyway, and she comes. Across the Atlantic and into my arms for Christmas. Her parents don't much like that either - the family is Jewish. Daddy the Diamond Dealer sent me nothing for Christmas - I guess he figured sending his favourite daughter was enough (yup!) Mommy was kinder - she not only provided her favourite daughter, outfitted with her favourite-daughter-limbs all ready to wrap around me at a moment's notice (yeah (sigh), this was  before  we were married), but also provided funds for a meal at my favourite restaurant, the Steak & Kebab in Lancaster. I guess she'd consulted with her daughter, who told her about the bet-you-can't-eat-this special, the 2 1/2 Lb Porterhouse steak. The first warning I got was when they placed my cutlery really far apart. Then it arrived, carried by two waitresses. I guess they had to get special plates custom-made to fit the damn thing - to me it looked like I'd been served about a half-cow. But  my  mommy drilled it into my head that you  never  leave anything on your plate to go to waste, so I ate it all. I will never forget the massive dead-cow-rush that made me twitch for the next two days. Two days in which I ate not a goddamed thing, but we sure fucked a lot, and experimented a lot, and fucked a lot more. Thanks, future mom-in-law, for giving me the energy to mess up your favourite daughter in ways I could never have imagined.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Words to live by, by my dad   1.  "You arent a man until you wreck bowel."  2.  After my mom found some leopard print panties in my room when I was a senior in hishschool "I'll never forget the first time my mom found some skanks panties in my room."  3.  Just got stoned with him, and he says "I work with a sick fuck, he watches porn with his son.  Now that is just fucking wrong." passes me the bowl.  4.  Right after he got me a red ryder bb gun  "Never shoot anyone in the face; aim low, and if you get caught, Im gonna fly off the handle.  Until they leave."  5.  We got really stoned and were shooting .22 shorts in our basement into a block of wood, and he says "I wonder what normal people are doing right now."  6.  When my friend Tom said rap blows, and my dad counters with "Most rap is crap, but Flava Flav is tight yo."  7.  The time my dad actually drove past a mental patient home, and made me heckle some insane person out front, we made 5 passes, with me screaming throwing up the sign of the beast \m/, we laughed really hard, and he says "dont tell your mom about this."  Thats all I can think of off the top of my head.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I really dislike reading the lowbrow moments where someone writes a one liner explaining they made a typo on a different lowbrow moment. First of all, we are never going to remember that. Second, if we did notice, which trust me...we most likely didn't...but if by some chance we did, do you really think we'll get some sort of gratification knowing that you know that we know that you made a typo and you are now sorry you did?  Bottom line, man...nobodie fukinng caares.  
  Someone said thoughts are the same as deeds. If that's true, I'm Hannibal Lechter, Elizabeth Bathory, and the Marquis de Sade, all in one.  And it's only Monday morning.  
  A friend who is a sommalier (the wine guy!) at a quite posh and well known restaurant would invite me in for after-hours drinking which consisted of carefully opening the 1963 Chateau Margaux and  similar fine bottles and replacing it with quite ordinary plonk, and carefully recorking and resealing the bottle. He would then parlay the bottles upon carefully selected stupid-fuck rich people with more money than sense (and palate). So my advice is: if you are blowing money on these bottles, you better be able to tell the difference!  
  My buddy and I started our vacation by driving to Washington DC and marching in a pro-choice rally.  We had it figured out correctly -- it WAS a great way to meet chicks.   
  What Would Jesus Do?  Well, if I were Jesus, I'd shoot lasers out of my eyes, make people's hearts explode while they're still beating, and instantly command every woman in a 10-block radius to either fuck me or make me dinner. Then I'd declare myself Emperor of Earth and rework civilization to my own standards.  Jesus is a fucking demigod. What did you expect? Sage words and a pat on the shoulder?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From another posting:  Ladies, what is with all the bush shaving these days? ...fuck this "bacon strip" shit.   To aid with the rant: That mystifyed me for a while, as did the recent popularity of butt-fucking, tit-jizzing, face-jizzing et al,  even , it seems, among young women (I can't imagine what they get out of it).  Then I realised: This is the first generation that has had easy access to explicit porn from a young age.  That's what they think sex is actually   about!   Hardcore porn, and all its hoary old visual cliches, was originally created by a bunch of fucked-up pencil-dick mysogynists.  That's why you never see the women actually enjoying themselves (actually, you rarely see  anybody  actually enjoying themselves).  Almost done.  So, next time you want to spray cum in your girlfriend's face, think about it.  And next time you are butt-fucking her, try closing your eyes and imagining she's a guy. After all, the physical sensation is identical.  And, instead of imitating the crap you see in porn, ask yourself what actually feels good, and what doesn't...  Done.  
  The University I go to is small and highly selective: less than one percent of applicants got in. While in the computer lab, during a lecture, I look at someone elses screen...he's looking at Lowbrow...  
  Lowbrow Happenings at White Spot  I was at white spot with 2 of my friends, and while we were waiting in line to be seated, we noticed on a chalkboard that "Adult Milkshakes" were on special. We were laughing and speculating as to what an "Adult Milkshake" is. Eventually we decided that the common image was of a large vanilla milkshake with a turned on dildo stuck in it, causing the whole thing to vibrate-walk across the counter, like dvvvvvvvvvv... We talked about it pretty much all through dinner.  It got extra funny when the waitress forgot to bring me the milkshake I had ordered, and when I asked her about it, she replied with "Oh yeah! It's buzzing away over there!". We all took this to mean that some sort of "milkshake is ready" alarm was going off, but then we all looked at each other, thought back to the adult milkshake, and we laughed madly, and still do now, from time to time. If only the waitress knew that she had said something so funny!  
  In my youth, my mother, who had had her gall bladder removed, would sometimes have lots of loud and quite frequently smelly, gas.  Usually, if it was just family around, she'd follow up a juicy one with "Good ass"    
  as of right now Eminem has both a grammy and an oscar  Time to start digging that bunker folks, the end is near  
     his head was like a boiled cabbage totally devoid of color with the bloated wrinkles stretched and gnarled toss the shot goes back quoteth he i live to see the whole damn lot of em rot in the grave and they wont get the satifisfaction of seeing me kick the bucket the bartender smile interesting motivation     
  after he debreifed us of his asschewing meeting that went horribly wrong it was voted unanimously that the proper response his bosses question of what do you think should have been bite me you fuck it would have had the same effect as the shite he spewed for an hour  
  against her better judgment, she types 'finger' into her terminal, and stares at the results in a manner eerily similar to the way that the psycho-girls in those movies stared at their lust objects when they were alone in the corner at parties. she knows this, she can see herself doing it, she hates herself for it, and she wishes she had a guitar so she could at least sing like lili taylor did in 'say anything.'   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  My Father said to me "You know the worst thing about growing old, is having to watch your friends die one by one".   I told him he shouldn't of fed them the mushrooms in the first case.    
  The patent lawyers gave all of the engineers little pink rubber brains, in an embarrassingly miserable attempt at seeming "hip".  That's when I told my boss it was time for me to move on.     
  I leave the upstairs office moments ago to check the concession stand out of sheer boredom.  one of the customers is wearing an "air jesus" t-shirt with a sub-line that ran something like "the highest you'll ever be.  they'll do anything to sell their savior.  
  I was working as a lifeguard over the summer. A woman comes up to ask me something.  "Can my nine year old daughter swim in the deep end?"  "Uh... can she swim?"  "No, but I could sign an affadavit that absolve you of any responsibility."  "I don't think that's legally binding, ma'am. Why don't you teach your daughter how to swim?"  She gets angry and storms off, vowing to never come back again. I've never had to jump in the water to rescue someone, but I saved a girl's life that day.   
  I haven't touched a girl in 6 months. Just today I finished jerking off and while cleaning up found a long blond hair amongst my pubes.   How the fuck did that get there?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night I was at an "industry party".  When I attend such functions, I try to be cheerful and personable to people.  I might end up working with them sometime.  Now, I dont much care for perfumes and such, but when I encountered a female "associate" of mine from the biz, I noticed that she had on a scent that I though was quite pleasant - a rarity.  In the better interest of professional pleasantries, I told her that I thought she smelled good.  To which she very loudly responded:  "Goddamnit!  You see everyone, all of the nice and cool guys are always gay".  I failed to see what that had to do with it.        
  Finally remembering what my therapist had told me was my reason for self-destructively seeking out "sailor". "loner" types, I mustered up the courage to come out and say, "I need clarity in a relationship.  Probably more than most people." "You won't get it here," he said, pissed that I had flown all the way to Japan and wouldn't have sex with him without some sort of commitment.  Oh, but you just gave it to me.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What happens when bears eat bad berries? Do they get crazy bear diarhea? Do they get the berry squirts(or the bear-y squirts)? And if so, what color is it? Why doesnt it smell like berries? its a mystery.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One year for Hallowe'en I was invited to a big party and didn't have a costume. I got dressed in a really hot purple mini dress, made some wings out of gauzy material, sprinkled purple sparkles all over and 6 inch black spikes. I walked into the party, and the friend who invited me asked, with his eyes popping out, "Who are you supposed to be?"  "The Purple Fairy," I replied, grinning.   "The Purple Fairy?" He repeated.   "Yeah. You know how the Blue Fairy turned puppets into boys?"  "Yeah," he said.  With the evillest grin I could muster I said, "Well, I turn boys into puppets."  
  I can understand how everyone has a certain "sexual fetish", but how the fuck do you get off watching people eat shit?!?  
  I had been living with my roomate for about 6 months, and I think I probably had about 1 glass of water TOTAL during that whole time.  Most of the time I drank Dr. Pepper, or beer, or as I like to call it 'The Other Water'.    Anyway, you can imagine what this did to my body.    So my roomate and I are at the gym lifting weights, and I get done doing a tough set of leg lifts.  My legs are knotting, I'm sweating like the fat pig I was, and I start to get woozy.    I let my roomie know that I need to get some water, and that he should start the next set without me.    Now, I remember reaching for the balance bar on the wall-length mirror, and missing it.  Then I remember 2 guys holding me up by my arms.    What I don't remember, and had to have retold to me by my roomate, was that as I was reaching for the balance bar, I passed out from dehydration, smacked into the mirror with my face, and slowly slid down to the floor, leaving a long smudge from my face on the mirror.  I then flopped on the floor, face down, when the two guys picked me up to see if I was ok.    We stopped going to that gym when the smudge from my face was still there a month later.  
  The AC is broken in the office. Tensions and the temperature are running high. I hope the HVAC repairman doesn't show up. Then maybe they'll let us all go home.  
  This is why I know I'm going to hell:  My friend with a Chevy Z71 pick-up had a really loud intercom on it.  So, when we passed people in the car, I'd make some rude comment and we'd all laugh.  We were stopped at a traffic light.  It was just about the time that kids get off of school.  There was this one kid crossing the street.  He was white.  When I say white I mean really white.  Like powder.  Well, I see him and I say over the loudspeaker, "Can somebody say, Albino?"  Well, we all laugh for a second, then I look to my right.  This woman is saying something so I lower my window.  Then I catch, "You bastard, my son has Leukemia."    I think I shrunk from 6'4" to 5'4".  
  My wife doesn't let me play GTA III unless she's not home. Seems I scream and yell too much, and get way way way too far into the whole hooker killing thing...  
  I was interviewed by a fat man with one of those goatee and mustache facial hair patterns that became so popular seven or five or six years ago, a ring of hair around his mouth.  It has been my experience that anyone who has this particular style of facial hair nowadays is an asshole. His mouth is like the other hole in his body that has hair around it, and both holes expel the same materials.  To me, this facial hairstyle says of the wearer,  I am a cocky asshole.  I have this sinister looking facial hair to signify this.  If you address me, I shall scowl at you and stick out my chin, stroking the hair there, thinking of how cool I look.    
  Last night when i was taking a bath i started wondering what it would be like to take a bath in Pop Rocks(tm).  Would it be kinky? Or just really scary . . .?           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friends and I have gotten into this kick of tripping on purpose. But we're all terrible at it. It makes us laugh all the same.  Tonight, in a concession stand, my friend put her bag down in the middle of the floor, gave me a nod, and stood aside. I nonchalontly tripped over it falling on my face. Probably my worst performance yet. But it got a few laughs. And it got me a huge bruise on my knee. Boy am I an ass!        
  I was in high school, and had the worst cold ever. I had been hawking lougies all day long and sneezing like crazy.  Well when my afternoon government class came I almost just went home, but being at a strict school I couldn't leave without parental permission. So I had to stick it out. As I went to hand in the homework assingment I sneezed, but was good about covering my face. The cute cheerleader in the front turned like a polite young lady to say, "God bless you" well she didn't quite get to the "...you" part before I sneezed again, this time leaving about a half pound of lougie snot dripping from her eye socket. I left early...  
  If the moment exceeds far enough to provoke scrolling movement i just click my mouse which is poised over the 'reload' link.  I feel i must apologise for this, and often weep softly to myself at night times when i think of all the moments i have deprived myself of.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I think there is a child in that burning car" someone in the crowd yells. I am a man of action. Why use one of these shopping carts to bust out a window when I can just jump cool like into the air and kick it out. So I did- no kids in here but now my leg is on fire- I dislocate my hip backpedaling out of the car- I hit the ground hard- people ask if I'm ok- I get up and try not to limp as I walk away. Its hard to look cool and do that.        
  My ego is definately the largest thing I own.  Much bigger than my car.  Or the house.  I once told my coworkers, upon being questioned of some conflicting data, "If the airline, or the trucker, or the origin station ever give you information contradictory to what I'm telling you, I'm right."   Well, I am right, after all.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The breakup went alot better than it could have, but it still wasn't peaches and cream.  Luckily, someone up there was looking out for me, and a box of doughnuts awaited me when I got back.  
  I had my first kiss within minutes of my first blowjob.  
  i was sitting here, and i had to sneeze.... well, not wanting to sneeze on my roommate or anyone else, i turned my head to the left (so as to sneeze into the wall)...   ...and sneezed directly into my fan.   i have to go clean my face off now  
  i live with my mom. she and i are puter geeks. so one day, it is raining out. startin to turn into a thunderstorm. we were naturally just doin what we do on the puter, not minding the storm cause we got our surge protecter on. well, pretty soon, the thunder starts gettin louder, every so often the ground would shake also. we would each scream at each other (the rain was so loud) "wow that was close!" then the power goes out. now with nothing to do, we take a look outside (the storm is over now). there are branches everywhere, 3 trees ripped out of the ground by the roots, one tree hit the garage, and numerous other tree tops were broken and strewn about. we found out later there were 3 class 1 tornados that went through, but none touched ground. after all that, our pink flamingos were still stuck in the ground. god blessed our flamingos that day.  
  I'm about 16, living with my father and step-mother.  My dad has a medical convention in New York City.  My step-mother says it'll be fun; we'll sight see during the day while dad is at the meetings.  Cool with me.  So the first day in NYC, we have breakfast and then out into the city.  The first one or two things we see are in walking distance.  After that I suggest we take a cab.  My step-mom says it's too expensive and besides, she "knows New York City like the back of her hand because I lived her for a while."  Ok, fine with me.   So we're looking for the Empire State Building and she has the map and is leading the way.  Well, 30 minutes pass, then 45.  Still walking, she looks at the map, "Oh, this way."  I am digging NYC, but I'm also 16 and getting impatient.  I say, "Why don't we ask someone or just take a cab?"  She is NOT paying for a cab.  She is certain of how to get there.  So, off we go for another 30 minutes, 45 minutes, and I've about had it.  We should have been there by now.  I ask to see the map.  She stops, I look at it...and see that she has been reading it UPSIDE DOWN.   Grand Central is across the street.  Step-mother concedes and we get a cab from there.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I don't know if life would be better if we had sex insted of saying 'Hello', but I do know everybody would smell different.  
  Working out at a local jr. college helped me (inexpensively) catch up on the current crop of poontang.  Nothing feels better than strenuous exercise after a large pancake breakfast.  Afterwards, I took a brief 20 pace walk out into the warm, summer sunshine.  There, in a discreet and heretofore unmarked patch in the middle of a softball field the calm tranquility of morning was lovingly interrupted by the reverberating sounds of "hhuuuuuuuuuuugghhh" and me barfing: four blueberry pancakes, a side order of bacon, butter, maple syrup and two cups of coffee.  Later, a murder of crows picked at my vomit for their late-morning brunch.  
  Ever blacked-out while pouring grain alcohol on yourself at the same time you are attempting to light a cigarette and accidentally drop your flaming zippo lighter into the pooling alcohol on the kitchen table?  I'm sure I'm not the only one.  
  "I really hate babies," I say out loud, as my cousin feeds her twin sister's bastard infant son at my kitchen table.  I am tactless.  
  The odor of urine and marijuana will forever mean Amsterdam's redlight district to me.  
  I can see the essences of things. I just thought of a pirate, swarthy red bandana teeth set in a grimacegrin. The whitest teeth ever, large, corn shaped teeth, set on edge. So close you can see every pore of his skin every thread of his clothes. You can hear, you can feel him breathe the rasp and catch of a low growl beneath his breath.  Then, pulling away so fast that all colors blend into a tiny pixel at the center of the screen, like a tv in a blackout. In that millisecond, you see the colors of the sad, the water, the air you smell them you taste them you feel them brush past your skin like the ghost of your lover.  And the sounds the rush of wave and waterfall and the high pitched screech of tropical birds, to the last insant. When it is gone.  And then I look over and see the stuffed animal colorful parrot and I wonder did that all come from that???   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The first time I ever masturbated I was about 14 or 15. I knew it felt good when I touched myself down there but didn't really know what this "masturbation" thing was... well I figured it out.  Sitting on the edge of my bed, feeling what was at the time the best thing I had ever felt.  There was my mother, standing there in the darkness at the end of the hallway, shaking her head...  That was the first and last time I left the door open while I jerked off.    
  walking in the mall with my best friend  watched a  tall, doe-eyed, designer-Gucci-clad, perfumed-clouded, glossy-hair, chewing-on-French-gum, big-boobed GORGEOUS girl walk out of Sephora (a beauty store, nonetheless).  she was talking into her cell phone, but  she looked surprised when it rang.   just goes to show you, folks. even the cool kids don't have friends.  
  ...which reminds me.  That scene in "there's something about mary" where the guy has come on his ear?  That incident is  not  of the "its so stupid it could only happen in the movies" variety... let me safely re-assure you.  
  Reading lowbrow is very similar to reading comments on a bathroom wall.  So...yes...I think it is more useful than your liberal arts education.  
  my life sucks every day same ol same ol i m so incredibly bored says he to me i told him to get involved with something that requires lawyers to straighten out hours of shite to keep you occupied and angry says he with glee he got up and left gotta watch what you say to some people i guess        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         LowBrow restaurant review from the New York Times: "The In-N-Out menu offers four items: hamburger, cheeseburger, Double-Double burger and fries. (That Double Double, at 670 calories and 41 grams of fat, is basically a coronary thrombosis on a gently toasted bun.)"  
  Coming to this site and not immediately leaving has to rank up there with my lowest of low moments.  
  "hey dad... how was arizona?" "good, good... anything exciting happen around here?" "well, yeah... i drunkenly flipped the boat in the middle of the night it's at the dealer it'll be 8700$ to fix no-one got hurt except for stitches and i got a  dui, but don't worry, it won't affect my driver's license or insurance because it was a dnr issued dui." in a very homer simpsonesque manner, he looked at me, calmly walked outside, swore to high-heaven at the lake, the sky, the neighbor's dog and anyone else who would hear him, and then came back inside, sat down and turned on the tv.   
  I was just out of college, and I had to take a shitty engineering job as a construction inspector.  I had to travel to rural sites for months at a time and watch ("inspect") some rednecks build landfills next to trailer parks.  (So yuppies and suburbanites could put their trash in someone else's backyard.)  Anyway one night I went to some local redneck bar, for a couple of beers.  I noticed two of the rednecks that were working constuction next to me start to argue.  They went outside and got into a knock down, dragout fistfight.  Both of them had some teeth knocked out, black eyes, broken ribs etc.   I found out later they were fighting over which pickup truck was better, Ford or Chevy.  
  his losenedlip a witty quip a generous sip he has a grip  around him fakes in tearfilled lakes for goodness sakes  i know him well he jigs in hell and thinks its swell  hats off to he whom loves ee and begiggles me           
  When asked what I liked to do, I said oral. .......  "I like dancing," she replied.     
  i dont care HOW lucky i am that walmart didnt press charges I still want my fucking knife back  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think chicks who dye their hair blonde are even stupider than the true blondes. When you think about it, it's kinda like cutting off your own arm because you're not naturally handicapped.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         18 and young... parked in the parking lot of the world's largest mall, West Edmonton Mall.  It was 2 am or so, me and my girlfriend finished a movie and a dinner, she was feeling frisky, and so IN THE CAR, started getting pretty naked.  Just like in the movies, the windows were all steamed up.  My girlfriend was cumming and screaming wildly... we musta missed the first few knocks that the rent-a-cop musta done on my windshield cause the next BANG BANG on the windshield stopped her orgrasm in its tracks...  got off (no pun intended) with a warning and one of the most embarassing moments of my life.   
  he said so i told him to quit bitching about the infection cos he was the one who wanted to get into the whole whip me thing god what a dumfuck cant get it up so someone slapping him around is a good idea and then he bitches about the pain later ok i really just wanted to drink a beer and watch the mets lose again but thanks for the info         
  Bible school said that we could dress up as any religious figure for Hallowe'en.  Christ on the Cross? Jezebel? The Whore of Babylon? How about a Pillar of Salt? Or a leper? Maybe the Head of John the Baptist?  They cancelled the party after I made some costume suggestions.  Fucking Baptist Bastards  
  I was sitting in a bus station late at night all by myself waiting for my girlfriend to arrive.  In walks in this beat up filthy dirty dusty cowboy.  He looked like he had lived in his clothes all his life.  He sits down right next to me.  I shuddered!  He sat motionless for 10 minutes not saying a word.  I sat motionless not wanting to breathe.  All of a sudden he just hacks out the largest most disgusting ball of phlem which hits the wall 10 feet away!  He turns and looks at me.  He says, 'Ya know', in his cowboy accent filled with chaw!  'If ya gots somethin' in yore mouth, and ya don't know what it is, you spit it out!'   The cowboy stood up and walked away as I sat in shock!  But you know, he was right!!!   
  walking in new york one afternoon, i'm enjoying the late summer weather.   all of a sudden, the shit that's been brewing for hours decides it's high time to see the light of day.  new york is not the city to be in when you need to crap in public. i once was followed by two guards with walkie talkies when i dipped into the waldorf-astoria to take a dump in their exquisite bathrooms.  so i'm in the village, plenty of places to squat, i figure. after trying tower, barnes and noble and several fast food places with no success, though, i'm starting to panic.  i dip into the nyu library. at this point, the shit is about to explode forth from my rectum.   unfortunately, nyu's library has turnstiles to regulate people like me from getting in. but hey, i've got my friend bob's old nyu i.d. in my wallet. (it's helpful for riding the free student shuttles)  it doesn't work in the turnstile. i turn to leave when the world's-most-helpful-security-guard approaches me.  "did you just try to use an i.d. in there?"  "uh, yeah. it didn't work. it must have expired."  "did you just graduate?"  "umm. yeahhh. last spring."  "ohhhh. well that's why. come here, i'll give you an alumni i.d. request form. you can fill it out here and i can send it off!"  "oh, thanks, but i'll just do it another time."  "no, no! it only takes a couple of minutes. come on, i got the form right here."  so i start filling this stupid form out as fast as possible with bogus info. luckily he doesn't look at the i.d.  but the shit is coming out. NOW. i can feel preliminary squirts as my abdomen tightens.  i run out of the library, stunning the guard. he even calls out after me.  on the street, i'm enveloped in panic. where to go. gotta shit gotta shit gotta shit.   i go into the first building i see. it's a theatre for nyu students. there's a guard on duty.  all i did was ask him if i could use the restroom, but there must have been the MOST desperate, pathetic look possible on my face, because he smiled and said "sure, just don't go crazy."  i get to the nice, empty bathroom and evacuate about 10 lbs of prime slime.   afterwards, i felt better than i EVER have in my entire life.   got a six pack of good beer and hooked up with the weed man and enjoyed the sweet taste of victory for the rest of the afternoon.   mr. bowels: 0. me: 1.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever wanted to lick your own asshole but didn't have the agility?  Now you can...kinda  It's a fact...After you live with a significant other for more than 6 months, the two of you will have identical 'anal flora'.  So, for those of you who made the logical leap, licking his/her ass, will be identically disgusting to licking your own.  but you don't have to take MY word for it...    
  Two different men on two different occasions introduced me as, "This is my wife".  In Texas, that's all it takes to be married (common law) if it can be proven (witnesses).  Oh so quickly, so very, very quickly on both occasions, I responded, "Whoa, No, Uh uh, No way, etc. not wife, nope; not me.  After the above events, I never saw either of the men again.  Spoil sports.  
  Most fun restaurant I've ever been to is a place called Dick's Last Resort. The waitresses were all hired for their abilities to mess with the customers' minds. One walked up to my table, shoved me off my chair and sat down, exclaiming "My god, I'm so damn tired. I need a beer."  After the meal, we were dividing up the check and she came over to kibbitz about the math, while we began to fuss about whose turn it was to leave the tip. "Tip?" she yelled. "Tip? Hell, you should put me through college. Damn right I need a tip!" She never even blinked when I reached out and tweaked her nipple, telling her she was doing fine in the tip department.   
  how many porn movies can be made?  i've seen my fair share of them, and frankly they are all the same.  girl playing with herself, guy with big cock comes in, fuck, he blows his load all over her face/tits/ass, she fakes it, the end.  i bet if less pornos were made a lot more of those horny lonely guys would be getting laid, you know, with all those out of work porn stars.  
  if ladeefrickingda ever fell in love, cheerleaderatyercrotch would fuck him out of spite.  
  I always wondered what my friends meant when they spoke of 'Fat Sweaty Betty'...  Until I saw her.  Like being at the beach...  the waves of flesh trickle in the sunlight as she steps...  One earthquake at a time..  holy hell.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Gearheads Survive Better Than Regular Folks  End of a long trip in my VW camper, I'm finally inside Rt. 128, heading to Cambridge.  After weeks of polite Upstate NY drivers, it's great to be back driving among the Boston Massholes. I glance down at the steering wheel. The spokes are weirdly at a 45&deg; angle, even though I'm driving straight. Non-gearheads could be excused for not noticing, or not thinking it significant. Non-gearheads could be dead, very quickly. I pull over, gingerly, and crawl under. Yup, the steering box has broken almost loose, just hanging on by a thin thread. Better call a tow-truck, right? But I'm Scottish, and don't like needlessly spending money. I crawl back under, and decide that the thread isn't  that  thin. I pull back out into the maniac traffic, take the next exit, and nurse it home, slowly and carefully. It finally breaks completely loose at a busy intersection, so I have to call a tow-truck anyway. No way! Damn waste of money! I crawl back under with a bungee cord...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Someone wrote and told me I have anger management problems. I disagree. I think I manage my wrath very well. No ones died because of it.  Yet. And I don't have the techno skills necessary to track down the real addresses of those who feel superior enough to lecture me via email. Yet.  And if ever the twain shall meet....  
  Sometimes stealth, patience, and clever revenge done in the dead of night anonymously just doesn't cut it. Sometimes a person mouths off in just the right tone, at just the right time, and requires just the right punch in the mouth. This later requires one to type a little slower because of injured knuckles, but the instant gratification factor more than makes up for it.  
  While you're waiting in traffic in LA, you can buy flowers (for your last minute sweatheart, I guess) from guys who stand on the median and gesture at you. These men can also be seen selling oranges. Now there's a guy who sells flowers and athletic socks. Why would anyone buy socks in traffic?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Les San Culottes in Midtown  "You wouldn't dare steal that hanging salami..."  "Wanna bet?"  She slid it into her handbag. Didn't even wrap it in a napkin.  
  frozen french bread pizzas aren't good enough for me as is.  i always add a few olives and some extra cheese.  that's how i "class it up"  
  When I was a little boy, I used to think the vaginal opening was located on the front of a woman's crotch.  After all, that's where the hair is.  
  I sniffed, the heavenly aroma filleing my mind like the smell of  the forest on a hot summer day or fresh baked rolls.  I had been waiting for this for days -- savoring the thought of this, my last cup of Guatemalan.  I wouldn't be able to get more for several months, and this was it.  All that was left was some Folgers and a little cheap espresso from Italy.  One last, perfectly brewed, incredibly rich cup of coffee gold.  I raised the cup, mouth watering in anticipation. Then my dog jumped into my lap and spilled it on the keyboard.  Caffienus interruptus. Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Motormouth  Second chances are rare, so make absolutely sure to not fuck up the second one. From just two nights ago:  She's out of there in three minutes, with me slobbering saliva in her trail.  Fucked that one up feh shuah.  She seems to have just shrugged off my blatant, far-too-early come-on. Makes sense: she's so extremely beautiful that every guy she's been near in the last twenty years must have tried his luck. I wasn't trying my luck -- I have serious fantasies about marrying this one and having babies -- just have to get rid of her man first, is all. Just another wonderful evening with a beautiful woman. It gets late again, and she again makes noises about leaving. Me: "Are you sure you're OK for driving? It's a long way..." She, getting nervous again: "I really need to go." Me: "I just want you to be safe. I'll give you my room, and I'll sleep on the floor right here, if that's what's troubling you." She, visibly relieved: "Are you serious? You wouldn't mind doing that?" Me: "I'm serious, though I'd much rather snuggle with you..?" She, thoughtfully: "That might be nice..." Handled perfectly. Now just shut up and take what's being offered. Me: "I might let out a little growl from time to time, but it'll be inadvertant..." Oh no -- back to the old slobbering-saliva routine.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my girlfriend has taken to sitting next to me as I'm shooting people in Counterstrike. she starts to discuss all the senseless violence and questions what exactly makes men want to kill. then she starts talking about the relationship.  ... as if the two are not related.  Today I turned to her and started gibbering like a monkey. I hooted and screamed like the most fleabitten howler monkey ever to disrupt a jungle. While doing this, I began to jump up and down while scratching my pits. Finally I turned around and mooned her.  I didn't fling my own feces at her, but I did send a lot of spittle flying during my little demonstration.  I must've won the media-violence argument because she didn't say much after that. I think Al Gore should have tried that strategy during the 2000 debates. I bet people wouldn't have cared much what his opponent said after that.  
  One fine day in High School, I was sent to my VP's office. When I got there, I knock and walk in. To my suprise, there was my VP trying desperately to close his browser window that had some SCAT pornography on it...  What a fine day it was  
  When I was younger I worked on a sheep farm and was required to do some more repulsive jobs.  One day the owner told be to clean out the birthing stall.  When I got there I shovled sheep shit out for what seemed like 4 hours.  I finnally got down to the stained wooden floor and went back to the owner to tell him I was done,  when I told him I was done he wondered how I got down that far and went to check on my work.  No problem I thought.  We goto the stall and I stomp on my newly cleaned wooden floor and I see he disapears comments to himself in a in audable tone.   As he returns he slams a pick axe into the thought wooden floor.  Apparantly a unknown property of sheep fecal matter is it hardens into a nigh wooden substance when compacted for 5+ years.  So there I was for the next 6 hours basically mining this dung/wood polymer and throwing it out.  Sadly enough to this day I wonder what building applications that substance has. /Shrug  
  My husband thinks I like all the stray cats that come around as much as he does. Actually, I just like to think of myself as a rancher for the Korean restaraunt down the street.   
  One morning i wake up but can't hear shit, and i'm like damn what the hell happened ?  what happened is i fucking slept with the earplugs i used the day before for cutting a huge tree.   i was surprised GOD didn't talk to me that night.                  i couldn't hear him.  
  I am at Lowbrow.  I click "Refresh."  Should the moment be new, I am refreshed.    Each of the buttons has a deeper meaning  (Home...!  HIS-tory.  ...search.)  ,   represented by a simplicity camoflauge that only the people like me  --Sleep deprived, devil rock listening, lowbrow submitting, anger repressing, love refracting, paranoid, complex people like me--  can understand.     Oh.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Revenge is best served cold: ah, the Piss Puck(tm).  this works wonderfully with people who have mail slots in their front door, or on a hot summer day when people leave their car windows rolled down a crack. you just piss into a paper/plastic cup, probably about 1 inch deep.  you might want to do this in the shower.  then, stash your cup(s) in the freezer, and go about your day.  then, when it's dark outside, remove your (hopefully) frozen piss cup from the freezer.  remove the cup from the frozen piss, and then you have a fun Piss Puck(tm).  i'm sure you can think of something amusing to do with it from here. Martha Stewart's helpful hint: the farther you fling the Piss Puck(tm) through their mail slot, the weirder the place the Piss Puddle(tm) will be on their floor tomorrow morning!  
  For a while back in the 70s, my sweet, southern, old-school grandfather's favorite song was Brewer & Shipley's 'One Toke Over The Line.'  He thought they were singing about talking on the phone.  
  it had been the day from hell. Everything appeared to be designed to bring me to insanity. That night, after hours of work, I came back home to heat the last bowl of my favourite kind of soup, the only remaining hope for a minimum of pleasure. As I waited for it to cool to the perfect temperature, looking forward to the only good moment of the day, a moth descended into the bowl, and I went to bed shortly after throwing my untouched dinner into the sink.  
  "You know, I read these goddamn moments for what seems like centuries, but the two moments that I posted the other day never seem to come up. This dissaponts me. It's another thing to leave no trace at all.   - S@muelL.BronkowitzPresents"  I've read this moment Lord knows how many times now.  You've left a trace, I promise, now stop whining.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know there's gonna be an American Psycho 2?  Like the Fight Club T-Shirt before it, it's another example of a movie studio unclear of the concept. A film is released that makes some kind of statement about possesions and money and immediatly the studio has to try to market it.   It does have William Shatner in it though...  
        so months had gone by and the the power went off a few times and the evil odor that emanated from the fridge signaled it was time for its first cleaning i drew shortest straw scouring with ammonia and then bleach i had piled the things to discard on the kitchen table rooster entered and opened the egg carton i warned him but he was hungry   ummo eet dat egg was all he could say   
  My low moment in life was going to a party with my police officer friends and I had to shit very bad and couldn't hold it so I went to what I thought was a secluded spot I pulled down my pants and bent down to shit and all my friends were laughing and filming me shitting.        
  (my name is Jesse, this is an important part of my moment) So, i had been dating this older guy for awhile... 2 months or so. all i knew was his first name, didn't know much about him. we just kind of met up at places, made out, played with each, and then went home. one night, we were sitting at dennys. waiting for our food, when i thought "this will be the night i'll learn this guy's last name!" so i ask him... "kevin, what's your last name?" he responds quickly, "doesn't matter, it wouldn't go well with Jesse anyway" nice.  
  he needed to drive his girlfriend home from the party, and i decided to go along for the ride, seemingly for no reason. after we dropped her off, i gave him road head on the way back to the party.  i never liked that bitch.  
   I've never jerked off in front of another man while drunk.  I have got into a fight with a sober person over a glass of ice.  While I was also sober.  So naturally now his girlfriend want's to beat me up.  Then i fell in love with a gay violinist and got a neck rub from a lesbian.    I wonder if somewhere there is a special swatch for nipple colouration?  
  I had been working for about twelve hours, and the drive home was torturous.  I have a tendency to get nosebleeds when under stress, and sure enough, it started to bleed a little.  Not having any kleenex or something, I thoughtlessly stuck a finger up my nose (hey, after 12 hours of pizza spinning, anything makes sense). I happened to glance at the glittering digital clock: 12:01am.  I suddenly realized it was New Year's Day.  What a way to start the year.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Was married for 20 years, and never messed around or cheated on my wife ever.  Been divorced and single for four years.  Was trying to remember how many women I've slept with in those four years (yes... it has been great)...  Remembered two more while brushing my teeth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just realized i can hit f5 to reload this page. now i don't have to click with my left hand as i hold a bottle of wine/beer/liquor or a cigarette.   hooray.  
  so i recounted a tale of how my mom was looking for me and i had crawlwd down the stairs and she went frantic and i started crawling back up when she was running down the hall looking for me and she  accidentally stepped on my hand which i pulled away from her foot and went tumbling backwards down and through the glass window that framed the doorway and my mother just gaped at me like she d seen a ghost you cant remeber that said she in front of the family assembled for dinner you were only two years old well duh i remember ive remembered just about everything since including specific days and people and times and what you said verbatim and and and but i ll be fucked if i can remember the pin for my hotmail account        
  whirl about your little dance of narcissism for no one will ever love you like you do         
  i accidently clicked on the about thing on the side. first thought after reading it:  "my balls itch"  second thought  "the guys who made this site are fucking geniuses! They should have their own TV show"  third thought  "damn i am horny"  yet another thank you speach gone wrong....uh anyway, thank you geniuses.  
  When I was about 12 or so my whole family went to a chinese seafood restaurant after my aunt's 6 hour wedding rehearsal.  I get up and go to the bathroom, and find 4 guys puking their guts out.  As I'm washing my hands to the harmonious sound of the vomit party, I'm thinking:   I don't really want to eat here.  
  Please, your holyness...just seven little numbers, and the powerball. amen        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Overheard at work:  Anelisse sounding incredibly desperate: "Guys, I'm so fat. I really need to lose some weight."  Lori responding with the utmost sympathy and concern: "Honey, my titties weigh more than you."  I love my job.  
  zinc boy baits a vitamin girl wanna be  and did you know he says to her in earnest that every geniuses hair folicals have a higher concentration of zinc that the average joe wow what a pick up line        
  A friend spent a lot of money going to a "stop-smoking" clinc/swami. He came back $200 poorer,  with a cigarette behind his ear, that he would occasionally suck on, then put back behind his ear.   I told him he was fucking stupid for spending the money and said that anybody - even me (pack a day guy) could go cold turkey. Just like that. We bet $200 he would light up before me.  I won the bet, no problem. He started smoking the next week. I quit smoking tailor- mades for life.   He's $400 poorer.....but I am jealous of him everytime I see anyone light up. Sometimes I still carry a lighter.....just in case....       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once, while running from an angry drunk who was MUCH bigger than me, I somehow got into my car and drove off. Problem: I had locked my keys in my car on the way INTO the bar. What the fuck? I still haven't figured it out.   
  It's very amusing to be woken up at 3:30 in the morning by your roomate saying, "Always double-flush when you drop the Cosby kids off at the pool." I smiled, despite the fact that he woke me up just to say that. What a bastard.  
  SO... I go into work this morning and walk into the NOC. Mike says that one of the computers isn't recognizing the operating system. So he checked BIOS to see if there was a hard drive detected. There wasn't. So he opened up the computer to see if the hard drive cables were loose. Nope, that surely wasn't the problem. Someone had put a pair of underwear in the computer. They'd placed them in front of some fans. So we suspect that it got too hot in the computer and everything fried.   So after bringing this up with HR and all of my various bosses it was decided that we should try to find out who did this. So I had to collect aforementioned tighty whities and lock them up. Well, I had Mike and Danny collect the butt huggers, 'cuz I surely wasn't trying to touch them. Danny and Mike noticed there are yellow stains, and not piss yellow stains. I suspect someone nutted during their shift and took off the underoos. They couldn't leave them on the desk or in the desk or in the trash because someone else might have seen. They probably thought they had time to grab them before they left, and wouldn't ya know it, they forgot about them.   ANYWAY, so I had to hand out copies of the "Rules of Conduct". I have to have everyone sign that they read and understand the rules. I also had to send out an email that if we find out who the "Panty Stasher" is that employee will be immediately terminated.   Shy of DNA samples, I'm not really sure how anyone thinks we will find the culprit. I just don't get it. It just figures that I would be the one manager in the world to have a Panty Stasher in my bunch of employees. You just gotta love working in porn. Ain't nothin' quite like it.   
  For my Halloween shopping, I gathered these items :  -A rosary necklace from a local religious thrift shop  -A real minister's shirt and collar thingie from a co-worker who is a part-time minister  -And a fake rubber dildo from the local sex shop.  I taped the dildo to my boxers and let it hang out the zipper of my pants.    I was a big hit at the party, but I didn't realize it was an office party until too late.  
  The art teacher weighed approximately as much as a small water buffalo, with about as much charm. The nearest bathroom was downstairs and at the end of the hall. She habitually drank orange juice during class. So it was really money well spent to pay some kid in the class before ours to spike her juice with powdered orange-flavor x-lax.  She was slow, but she was regular.  
  I have taken a comparative religion class, been to churches in various denominations, talked with ministers, friends and whoever else trying to find some sort of spiritual sense in it all.  I have derived one singular conclusion.  Christians are a bunch of hypocritical fucking assholes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work for the IRS and it always annoys  me that taxpayers are referred to as "customers".   Customers?  As if they had a choice, could take their business elsewhere.    Call them anything else, but fergodsakes, don't imply that we're either 1) doing them a favor or 2) giving them some kind of value for their patronage.  Why am I saying "they"?   I pay taxes too.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Procrastination? I dont think so. Up until that very moment I just had better things to do.  
  I like lowbrow.   When I see something that's clever or funny, sometimes I'll write it down on the inside cover of my "Hello Kitty" notebook so people who think I'm sweet and cute will have a shock when they look inside.   
  My friend has a catchphrase "I'm not into beastiality or anything, but your dog is really hot".  This was just bareable, until my girlfriend began asking people to quote this, so she could ask if  "You like 'em HUSKY".   I can tolerate ambiguous bestial sexual devience, but a pun like that can not go unpunished (no pun intended).   
  Im in my underpants, on the kitchen floor in the dogs basket. Its November the back door is wide open, theres a burnt pizza in the middle of my back garden, the kitchen taps are running full blast and I cant find my shoes anywhere.  Found the dog in my bed.  
  just exactly how many times can you hear the "we're just friends" speech before you give up?  i'm still trying to find out.  
  Told Bitch Next Door's behemoth friend that Social Services had been round asking questions about Bitch.   Next thing I know, Bitch has everyone she can round up over, delousing the place, carrying out huge bags taped up extremely secure and driving off with them in the trunk, multiple trips to the dumpster.  Now Bitch spends her days peering anxiously out her window, flinching at every car that drives slowly past.   These are the days that delight my soul.  
  On a very self-righteous day, my friend decides to cut off a woman with a pro-life sticker on her bumper. She stalks us, yells threats from her window, and eventually calls the cops.  We meet the cops and tell our sides of the story. The officer tells the woman that she is guilty of breaking more laws than we are, and drives away.  I found it ironic that the woman's actions gave a compelling pro-choice argument.  
  people that sell/make/manufacture drugs to make you happy have no finacial reason to see you are happy in anything but more than 12 hour intervals.   one of the many human populations lowbrow moments.  
  I have this idea.  You make soy burgers that taste like human flesh.  you'd call it "Soilent Soy".  it'd be fucking rad.  
  As I showered yesterday I pondered the appropriateness of using conditioner on my pubes. Why can't they be soft and manageable too?  
  my only joke:  what's brown and sticky?    a stick!  
  my mom told me a this story from when I was a baby. I had taken the biggest, smelliest, grossest shit ever in my diaper. So my mom changed it, put the nasty diaper in the diaper bag, and left it in the car. Then me and my parents went out and did our "family-walk-in-the-park" thing. We got back and the car had been broken into. The only thing gone was the diaper bag. I hope the guy liked and still thinks of it from time to time 19 years later.  
  Sometimes when I'm bored, I write things like "5318008" on my computer, then turn the monitor upside down like I used to do with calculators. But it never looks as much like "boobies" as it did on the calculator. I think I need a new font.  
  I pose as a photographer in online chat sometimes, and you'd be surprised (or maybe not) at how many girls will offer you photos of themselves, often nude. I like to chose ones in my own town and later print them out and post them on phone poles, like lost dog notices.  "Have you seen my pussy?"  
   He said haning me a home brewed bitter hops: "This ain't that piss poor american shit you can see through."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What does the future hold for our fine nation? Let me just say that it is a competitive world out there and fortunately our universities are preparing us well to meet many possible challenges. For instance, if ever I am called upon at an important busines dinner to teach my firm's foreign customers drinking games, I have it sewn up. Because at college I mastered the art of rolling a quarter off of my nose so that it bounces off the table and into a beer-filled glass. Not to mention what I can do with a ping-pong ball....   
  for the past two summers i worked on a river as a rafting guide. the river is known to be extremely polluted from upstream chicken factories which dump in fecal waste as well as industrial factories, runoff from farms and sewage treatment plants that occasionally spill stuff that hasnt yet been treated. i also know for a fact that many many drunk rafters and tubers urinate in the river often. a friend in passing conversation mentioned a comment that someone else had made regarding golden showers. my first reaction was "ew!"...and then on second thought...getting urinated on by one person is actually probably less disgusting than the filth that we swam in every day.  
  I'm horrible with relationships, but i'm with this GREAT guy.  I go out one night with a hot ex of mine to prove that i CAN be faithful and commitment doesn't scare me.  I tell my boyfriend about this and he tells me to have a good time.  Well,  i go out and he eats my pussy, that's it, no kissing, nothing in return for him.  ...moral of THIS story...i'm not afraid of commitment, i'm afraid of not getting incredible FACE!  ...boyfriend doesn't know...he'll never know! but he's the best face i've ever gotten, so there is no reason to stray.  ....mmmm FACE  
  "Staccato" is a wonderful word. It sounds interesting, and slightly resembles the noun or action to which it is refering.  I have seen it used properly many times, and sometimes with very effective results.  But there is some quality to it that makes the author seem as though he pulled out a thesaurus and looked up "ripping fart."  
   Mucous II  Definitely not just a cold. I can hardly move, and have an IQ about equivalent to a Border Collie sheepdog. I light a cigarette, and go to put it down in the ashtray. Where the hell is the ashtray? It was there five minutes ago! I get obsessed. It's a small apartment, after all, so where the hell did it go? I finally find it, half an hour later, in the garbage can. I'd gone to empty it out, but on the way I forgot what I was doing and just tossed the whole thing away. Perhaps my brain is trying to tell me something?  Whatever. I light another cigarette...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friends and I have a tradition of breaking into outdoor public swimming pools every summer.  Last week we visited our favorite pool one night, only to find it already occupied by two teenage guys.  We greeted our fellow swimmers jovially, climbed the fence and started to swim.  They barely said a word, and just sat in the shallow end for about 1.5 hours.  Kay commented that they were visibly shivering.  Eventually, they left the pool, completely naked, and we all felt shitty for crashing someone's romantic evening.  Then we laughed our asses off.  
  ...as his orgasm faded, he started shaking and softly crying.  "You just dont' understand how emasculating it was," he said, "I mean- waking up in the middle of the night and seeing her fucking herself with a dildo.... it just made me feel so.... unnecessary!"  and he began shaking and crying harder.  as i held him and comforted him, i decided not to tell him who had taken her to buy herself her dildo... nor about the many exhausting 'lessons' we had while i helped her learn how to please herself with it.  after all- she's his wife.  
  Since I work at a mall in the tourist part of town, I have a higher percentage of annoying customers than at a normal mall.  Since I look like I'm good for directions and advice, I get stopped in the streets a lot by tourists asking directions and info. Since I'm a vindictive bitch, I tell them the beach is closed and that the #41 bus takes you to tourist attractions, instead of the scummy part of town it really goes to. I imagine it will all catch up to me when I move to Las Vegas and get lost, but until then, I smile a lot.  
  My Brother: You hear about those chickens that are treated inhumanely at those factories? They have a foot by foot cage, their beaks are cut off and they are forced to make eggs. Once they stop, they are killed and put into Chicken Nuggets at McDonalds.  My Other Brother: One day, with all this genetic engineering, they are going to manufacture Chickens in the shape of a square and put them in these huge warehouses and have them produce eggs 24-7. They'll probably have a TV screen in front of them showing them the outside world. You know, it'll be like a Chicken Matrix.  Me, thinking: Man, my brothers are so hammered.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the conversation degraded rapidly no man i m telling you she was so horrible in bed she just lay there waiting for me to do her like she was too good to hafta put any effort in that at one point i took her wrist and looked at my wrist like i was checking my watching miming like i was looking for her pulse she didnt even get the joke         
  I worked as a busboy when I was 17. A fat chick who waitressed at the restaurant was always flirting with me, and after repeatedly rebuffing her advances, I finally agreed to go "party" with her after our shift ended (around midnight).  We drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort together in a park and she basically started humping my leg like a horny dog. She said she'd always wanted to suck my cock. She took me to a cemetary adjacent to the park and pushed me down on a grassy area away from the tombstones.  I fucked the shit out of her for about 10 minutes, listening to her grunt and groan and moan like a Water Buffalo in heat. But the Southern Comfort had caught up to me.   I pulled out of her in mid-thrust and puked my guts out on the ground next to her flabby, naked carcass.  I quit the job so I wouldn't have to see her again.  
  I had to break off making out with a girl at the party since my ride was leaving.  "You'd better call me soon," she said.  "I'd better see you again soon," she insisted.  I've seen drowning men less eager for someone to make contact.  Not generally having the best fortune with the ladies, I was flattered.  Part of me wanted to make her beg, though.  
  i saw a lowbrow moment from someone i know. we both went to the same "smart" high school. i need to respond to two things he said.  lowbrow moment 1: he talked about how at the dances, we rocked out to "istanbul" and tetris remixes. i did not realize this was not normal behavior. i still pine for those days.   lowbrow moment 2: he said the geekiest, most acnied guys danced with the pretty girls. i don't think it occurred to him that we either thought it was cute and played along because it's a real power trip to bait them, or we slinked away pretty quickly. we're not alternative thinkers; we're just not total bitches.  damn, i miss g-school...  
  The other day I'm driving around with my friend and we see this license plate cover that says, "If You See Kay, Why Oh You."   And we're like, "Kay? Whose Kay? How will I know if I see Kay? That just doesn't make any sense..." Then we start saying the phrase in it's entirety over and over again until it hit us.  God, sometimes I can be so stupid.  
  My favorite ex-boyfriend used to joke that even if he wanted to cheat on me, he couldn't, because I insisted on having sex at least twice a day.  It's actually a great way to keep a guy in check.  If he's gotta give it to me twice a day, he doesn't have anything left for the whores that flirt with him all day long.  Made me crazy when he moved to another city though, because then, he went from two or three times a day to a few times a month when I could fly up for a visit.  Maybe that's why it didn't work out.  
  Garbage day.  Got done whacking off.  Shit. The trash is empty. Where are the bags?  Oh wait. Mom sees one Kleenex in there, matted down and sopping wet... what'll happen?  Mr. Cool.   I open the cupboard, get a pack of matches, and go out to the living room.  Open the woodstove, and light the Kleenex up.  Smelled sickly sweet. I got covered with smoke that smelled like sugar and bongwater.   Set off the fire alarm.  Damn, Kleenexes give off a lot of smoke.  Had to explain to the alarm company that all was well.  And open the house to vent the smell/very light haze.  It's 30 degrees out.  "Why's it so cold in here?"  "Dunno, mom."  At least she didn't see the Kleenex.  Mission Accomplished.  
  Working in a bar, you can meet some of the oddest people.  Every once in a while though, one of those oddballs come in a "perfectly normal"  or even good looking costume...   and his name was Luke.  Luke and I went out on a Wednesday night to a nice restaurant and movie.  I must say I was wearing a pretty provocative shirt, but nothing was going to prepare me for what was about to happen.  As we return to Luke's, I'm trying to decide if I'll fit the bar slut stereotype and jump into bed with him...  Ten minutes at his house, he makes the decision for me...   "So you mind if I whack off in front you?"    He disappeared into his bathroom to reappear two seconds later with a bottle of Suave lotion.   Suave.  The cheapest of all cheap lotion.  Needless to say, Rico Suave no longer gets a half price bar tab.  
  when i a low brow moment by sorry_e_e_@hotmail.com pops up, i think, "oh god, more postmodern bullshit  punctuationperiod"  and i hit reload really fast.  
  my mom is starting to go batty when i got back from the airport last weekend there were like 4 messages on my machine wishing me a happy birthday. so i call. "mom, i told you i would be in san francisco this weekend" "oh, that's right. i must have forgot" and then she starts telling me about this woman in west virginia who would be perfect for me. "she went to harvard and she is so smart. sometimes she says things that no one else gets, but i know you would get it." "that's nice but she lives in west virginia. i live in oregon." it's absurd and i can't stop thinking of laying naked on the couch last night. holding brett and thinking i haven't been this happy in months.        
  My brother hates condiments. He was really hungry and we went through the Burger King drivethru. While ordering, he was adamant about his need for a dry burger.  On the way home he warned me, "Boy they better not fuck this up." We got home and I was in the kitchen getting something. From the living room I heard the rustling of a paper bag, followed by a matter-of-fact utterance filled with fury. "Motherfucking dyke." His sammich was clotted with mayonnaise and God knows what else. He refused to go back, despite being hungry.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Howard, Nathan, Chris, Jon, and I are hanging out. Howard is bragging about how she was inside her house in the living room while he was in his car about to leave, chatting with her dad. Her dad's facing away from the house, Howard's facing towards it. She had gone in to get him a fuse for his car. She was motioning like crazy towards her crotch, and Howard was trying to look, but not enough for her dad to notice. Finally he saw what she meant. She reached into her pants, and pulled the fuse out of her pussy just before she came back and handed it to him. Immediately I inflict a new nickname on her for when she's over next: fuse-box.  
  In retrospect  shitting in a nescafe jar    and burying it in an old tree stump  for 10 years  is not particularly clever  But  to decide in a moment of drunken glee  to find and open it   was  both foolish and smelly  
  I have taken to rewarding myself for finishing a household chore with a nice martini or a beer.  My house is sparkling clean and I am one happy bitch.   
  Animal antics  "Unaware, the sneaky mongoose slips through the barstools and manages to relieve a patron of his wallet, containing an expired condom and extactly $3 in crumbled bills. The peg legged wallaby couldn't help but feel envious."  
   Meeting Yet Another Boston Woman Through The Personals  Her mailed response to my ad (with a cute little photo) was succinct and wonderful: " Hi: I liked your ad. Let's have lunch. I promise to wear garters, Jane. " She seemed pleasant enough, though a little uptight. She invited me to dinner. She had a great apartment in a nice big old building in Brookline. I asked her how much the rent was. She: "Nothing -- I own the building." She told me just to sit and watch TV while she finished making dinner. I normally live in the kitchen, so I offered to help. She: "No, it's OK." I insisted, and she got a little testy, so I sat down and twiddled my fingers - I don't like being waited on hand and foot. Nice dinner, though bland, like the conversation. After dinner, she went to the bathroom, so I carried the dishes through and started to wash them. She, from the doorway: " I said I didn't want any help! " Her face was flushed with anger.  ("Eh, no, that'll be all, thanks. Can I just have the check?")    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Overheard on the street in Brooklyn...  "I'm not the one who got pregnant."        
  This moment from wajih@arabe.com: "salut tout les amis arabes. sur le net j'emmerde tous les israleins et surtout les puatins juifs de merde. ce vs a plu le dernier attent qui fais 17 morts et 62 blesses ds la discotheque . c peut etre bon pour vs rappeler la haine q'on dissiile a vous !!on saura comment vs exterminer jusqu'a le dernier  raja ca t'a plu :))))) c wajih et prepare ton unix"  ----------------------   Gives you this moment from Altavista:  "hello all Arab friends on the Net I emmerde all israleins and especially Jewish puatins of shit. this vs rained the last attent which make 17 dead and 62 wound ds the discotheque. C can be good for vs to point out to hatred q' one dissiile has to you!!on will know how to exterminate until A the last rajah Ca you liked vs:))))) C wajih and prepare tone Unix"  --just thought you'd like to know  
  The lil' boy had a tantrum in Rite Aid.  His mother pulled the Star Wars action figurine from the boys grip, and he sobbed silently asking, "Puh-leeeeeeez, mom".  The  mother replied, "I can't afford it now...maybe in a few weeks."  I pulled the woman aside and whispered to her asking if I may purchase the Star Wars action figure for the boy.  She paused silently for a moment then replied hesitantly and puzzled, "yes".  I purchased the figure for the boy.  His smile was priceless.  Far more than the  $10 I had spent.  The mother and the boy thanked me.  I replied, "it was my pleasure".  I remember what it was like to desperately want that Star Wars action figure 20 years ago.   -Beatgrrrl      
  it was only some few weeks after getting laid off for the second time from the same shitty job that i came upon the realization that earning the nickname "Spill" can be vastly advantageous to one who is employed but does not wish to work. (aka, slackers)  the labeling event was the result of two run ins with the nacho cheese machine:   1. we got free popcorn at the theater on breaks, and popcorn tastes pretty damn good with nacho cheese. so i grabbed a bag of popcorn, filled a courtest cup with cheese, and went on my break. when i got back, i found out that the cheese dispenser hadn't stopped when i removed the cup.   whoops.  2. someone was replacing the cheese, and couldn't get the nozzle to the thingy, so i said "lemme do that" and ripped the seal off of the full foil sack of cheese.   blorp blorp blorp, all over the floor.    the lower management decided that from that day on, that i, "Spill," would not be working with liquids any longer.   
  since he spent our entire phone conversation acting like an asshole, I decided I was entitled to be a bitch.   "I'll be at your house at five." I said, thinking  "FUCK  him."   I proceeded to go on with what I was doing before he called, and as five o'clock rolled merrily 'round, I felt really fucking clever.   at eight he came to the house looking for me, and I told my mother to say "she's not here, she's out with sean." while I waited in the shadows, still overcome with how fun it was to get some revenge for his asshole behavior. ten minutes later, I stood in the kitchen, laughing and gloating over what I did, saying what a dumb fuck he was and how he deserved to be lied to.  funny, I never really considered that his family lives next door -- one foot away from us -- and our kitchen window is apparently NOT as soundproof as I assumed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after leaving a concert at madison square garden, i saw two men on the sidewalk. one had flashlight under his chin while he distorted his face, and the other was yelling to the crowd "FREE SCARY FACE!", then quietly repeating "just kidding". needless to say it was the highlight of my night.  
  My friend Lee R and I were pretty tight during our Junior High School Days during the early 60 s.  Lee lived in a lower middle class neighborhood, a bunch of people who by the luck of the draw or a few hundred dollars lived in rented houses in Menlo Park Calif. rather than in trailers out by the freeway in Redwood City.  But his next door neighbor was loud and abusive and beat his kids and wife.  So when they went on vacation (probably to Arkansas to see da chicken skin eatin  collard green cookin  rel-a tives) we rode our bikes down to Alec s discount store and bought the Sporting Goods Department out of those little jars of fish eggs used for bait.  We broke into Lee s neighbor s car, deposited all the fish eggs in the back window to enjoy the warm summer California sun, and when the family got back they sold the car immediately, or perhaps gave it away.  Fast.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm fascinated by pornstars.  I spend way too much time browsing porstar sites on the web.  I can even recognize some of them, and have my favorites.  I haven't watched much porn, but if I had a TV/VCR and no shame you know I'd be renting tapes like a madman.  They have weird names, completely improbabe bodies, exagerated personalities, and they get to sit around and have unprotected sex all day long.  You know what pornstars are?  They're superheroes for adults.  Think of it.  They're creatures of fantasy.  They exist in some sort of weird parallel universe they seem to have envisioned somewhere out in California.  The weird thing is I'm not into skinny, blond, empty women in real life.  I like 'em voluptous, intelligent, and strong-willed.  This weird dichotomy is becoming more and more troubling.  But I'm fine with it for now.  
  "Don't be a smart ass!"  My reply: "I thought Darwin said we evolved from apes..."  Not very funny, huh. But one guy laughed.    
  Many years ago, back in High School, my friend Chris and I decided that it would be a wonderful idea to eat pickled hot peppers like popcorn whilst watching a particularly obnoxious series of grade-Z cinema... we had obtained a Gallon jar of these monstrosities, and happily munched away for hours.  At one point during the night, Chris's step-father poked his head in, and said something along the lines of, "burns going in, burns going out..."  Being the foolish teenage punk-ass little shits (heh) that we were, we ignored his advice.  The next day, I experienced what Hell must be like.  It was pure agony.  It was like someone had taken a hot knife to my bowels and was viscously twisting it about, shredding the organs indiscriminateley... I ran to the toilet, slammed the door shut, and managed to squeeze out a little squirt of what felt like magma before my rectum slammed shut out of pain, fear, and revulsion.  I spent an hour on that toilet, trying to expel the magnitudes of spiced poop sauce from my agonized colon, constantly wiping with some baby wipes that were in the medicine cabinet, trying to get this firey substance off my chocolate starfish before blisters formed.  I called Chris, who wasn't faring much better.  We decided to listen to our elders when it came to biological functions after that experience.  -jP MassiveWang.com  
  I used to work with a guy from Tennessee named Sid.  One day leaving the plant we saw an unusually comely wench.  Old Sid said, "I'd suck her old man's toby to get a taste of that booger."   I suppose that was just rhetoric.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         poor man's speedball: weed and coffee  I love Sunday mornings  
  She said I'm walking on thin ice. I said, so what, you're skating on tissue papper.  
  i went to visit him. we had not spoken more than three times since i broke up with him a year before, and i had not heard from him in six months. out of the blue, he had asked me to pay him a visit. three times that night, he asked. i was bored and went. when i got there, he tried to kiss me on the lips in greeting. i was confused. we ended up scromping, then i offered him fellatio, and within four hours of my arrival i had slept with him. i went farther with him that day than when we were dating. we got scrumptious sushi, which he chose to feed to me at a few choice moments. we held hands. he was tender. he's really sweet, sensitive, and smart. i really respect him. i haven't heard from him in days. not that i expected to, but i still don't know what the hell to think.  although he managed to make me feel like a princess, i'd rather just be treated like a cheap fuck if that's what i am.  
  Have you ever been awakened by the smell of casserole?         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Ever worry that someone has put semen in your shampoo, and you dont notice becuase it looks exactly the same?"  I think about that every time I shower. You never know whether one of those Essences is really man-herb.   Christ be with us.  
  My high school Computer Science teacher came up to me one day. Told me that he used to take lots of Sunshine acid in the late 60's and 70's.  Wow I though, so that's why your senile at the age of 55.  Then I looked at his hair. It was permed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            One cool thing about Adult bookstores in Vegas is that there are always a lot of chicks in there.  Usually they are embarassed and giggly and shit, but once I saw this super-cute young girl come in, walk right up to the toy section and pick up a huge fist shaped dildo!! I am not a prude, but Jesus! you cannot imagine the size of this thing.    The fat lady that works the counter asked " Would you like some lube with that,sweetie?"    
  I sure did just buy my boyfriend "Meme, the Midget Love Doll", complete with DVD entitled: "Double Midgetation".   And then, I watched it.  One girl, 5 guys, midget porn, and booze.   What more can a girl ask for?  
  After listening to my assistant say several times, "I wish...", I told her, "Honey, wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets fullest fastest."  She laughed her ass off and said she'd never heard that one. She's 38.  What "is" this younger generation coming to?  
  should it still be called morning wood if you wake up at two in the afternoon?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have had sex once in 19 years. And I don't mind very much. It's completely overrated.  
  I purposely expose children to as much onscreen violence as possible.  This way, they will be completely desensitized to it by the time they're 14  and therefore better prepared for high school.   
  There's one on here about the nutrigrain commercial with the cinnabunass lady and how the poster would fuck that. Well, yeah. That lady has a cute ass, word. What human fleshly accomplishment looks better than two fat cinnamon rolls? Nutrigrain dumbasses, I mean, just extrapolate: I suppose they think some boy with a stiffy on the subway would want to fuck two cardboard grain planks?  
  Just how long is a New York Minute?  A New York minute is the interval between the light in front of you turning green...  ...and the car behind you honking.  It's about four times longer than a Boston minute.  
  In my apartment building some glorious souls have keyed in a 4 and a 0 around the 2nd floor elevator button. Next to the 4th floor button they have keyed in a 2 and a 0. They have changed 12 into a 42 and followed it with a 0.   And these people are supposedly going to college.  
  This weekend was my 30th birthday party.  My buddies and I got together for a good round of drinking and just good fun.  Later on in the evening, my yearbooks came out and everyone started reading the comments.  One comment was written by my then-girlfriend (now wife) that said "Thanks for letting me play with your asshole."  Needless to say, that was laughed at for the remainder of the night.  The funny thing is that I swear that I have NO idea where that came from and neither does she. I only wish she was that kinky in high school.  Ah well, it adds to my mystique and mystery.   
  After 7 days of no masturbating down here at the parents winter home I gave in. The coppertone I thought was tanning lotion ended up being sunless tanning lotion. Yeah, its brown now.  
  so this guy is trying to convince my friend that there is a spot just above your forehead where you feel no pain  to prove this he says:  "here, i'll show you"  and then pulls some move like from one of those fighting movies and head bangs my friend  my friend just stands there, dazed, but in no pain  this guy, however, is curled up in the fetal position, holding his head and moaning  i guess he was right though, so he can't be totally stupid        
  I took a page out of LaDeeFrickingDa's book the other day.    There's a boy worked with and occasionally get with.  Like once every six months.  Usually lots of fooling around, but no actual sex.  Until about a month ago.  Said boy decides I'm going to get overly attached and he's not after a girlfriend (found this out second hand).  Well I knew that, and surpise buddy, if you weren't good in bed I wouldn't have bothered coming round.  My motives were purely slutty too, I don't want a boyfriend, what would I do with one of those?  So I sent him a text message the other day.  "Wanna get together and get stoned and laid, no strings?"  Guess who's getting a bit next weekend :)  Can't just sit around waiting for these things to come about!  
  She's been gone from my life a for while. Cleaned my closet to make room for style. A pair of panties was found from her. There was no smell to help me remember.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in college, everyone always leaves a signal for their roommate not to come in when they're getting play... an 'x' on the marker board, sock on the door handle, shoes outside the door, etc.  i always wrote on the marker board 'getting some!  don't come in!'  why hide it?  everybody knew anyway.  
  "Stonehenge is a massive female fertility symbol, according to Canadian researchers who think they have finally solved the mystery of the ancient monument in southern England."  mmmm...ancient porn  
  Wal-Mart, Grand Rapids, MI.  My grandparents picked up a CD player and a pack of CDR's and paid for them in the electronics section.  Seems someone stole the bag from their cart as they continued to shop.  You robbed a retired couple of about $100.  Enjoy hell a few years down the road.  Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.  
  The audible  squish  of a dog shit under his bare foot. He shrieks like a girl, hoppping and kicking wildly until most of it is off, then stares blankly at his avacado refrigerator, now jacksonpollockized, and hops back to the bathroom.  
  "Yes sir, with your $1000 donation you'll receive an invitation to the annual alumni banquet, a reserved parking space on campus, and an autographed picture of me."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         downing pills... gravol demorall advil (extra strength) and a sip of milk for flavor  i expected to eb so fucked up i couldn't get off the couch  what i didn't expect was the explosive diarrhea  ah well, live and learn....  
  From another post I just saw:   "I say someone makes lowbrow decals. I'd sport one. If I ever see another lowbrower we can exchange the quiet, confident glance of someone who understands how stupid the human race is."  tygr, don't miss this idea.  Here's your chance to make millions and buy us all zoot suits...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While it's gratifying to find a pic of an old lover online and see how far downhill they've slid, it's distressing to remember maybe they didn't look much different when you were fucking them.  Damn, where were my standards back then?  
  i'm pretty cynical, and i think that people pretty much suck.  but whenever i see someone walking down the street carrying a bunch of flowers, it makes me feel, well, all warm and fuzzy inside.  go figure.  
  she spent the first half of the train ride -- 30 minutes -- applying her makeup ever so carefully. brushes and colors flew out of her bag until her plain face had been transformed to something slightly less ordinary -- watching the transformation happen, i think, rubbed away some of the makeup's magical effects.   it wasn't until she fell asleep that i noticed the places where her eyeliner had skipped as a result of the train's bumpy ride, tiny blobs of brown interrupting the rest of the line. sort of like line segments.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I stopped trying to be polite to people when they ask why I'm so tall.  I just tell 'em my parents snuck bovine growth hormones into my food.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why'd I go? I should have stayed. Could've been different. "Fuck me," I think, taking the last bite of the baloney sandwich.  
  While the (then soon-to-be) ex and I were separated, I was dating a guy a bit younger than me. I noticed we never really went anywhere his normal crowd of friends might be, and I discovered why when one day while out we ran into a female friend of his. She invited him, and by extension me, to a dinner party.  Before we went, he decided to prep me. He told me not to tell her, or anyone there for that matter, that I was older, not yet divorced, or that we were having sex... turns out he had a long-standing crush on the female friend, and as she was rather prudish, she would throughly disapprove of me, my situation, and him if she learned any of it. Needless to say, at dinner someone asked me what I did for a living. I said I was unemployed, waiting to see if I was really going to get divorced, and being thrilled at dating a man 10 years younger. I said my unemployed status really was great because usually he and I didn't get out of bed for days at a time, except to get more beer, batteries, or return the rented porn.  She never spoke to either him or me again. He never spoke to me again.  But three of his friends from the party asked for my phone number.   
  There's nothing you can get stuck in your keyboard that a can of pressurized air can't force out.  Not even krab salad.  
  quote yeah iusta be in a band we were called mr french after the guy on that show we had tshirts that had sabastian cabot on them in black and white really graphic like i usta sing we did a great cover of smells like team spirit end quote  whoa         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My uncle just gave me a nice nug of the best pot I've EVER come across, and I've been smoking for a damn long time.  Brightest green, neon I would say.  It glitters in the light.  Called it gold something or other.  The time now is 4:24.  4 minutes late.  4 cursed minutes off of 4:20.  I will smoke this on 4:20 tomorrow.  Oh yes, yes I will.  
  looking through my closet, i happen upon a pair or pink pants from hollister. ugh.  i decide to make them fit for me to wear. i rip them up and examine the effect. not enough. i look around for something else i could do to them. i spot some red hair dye. fire engine kinda red.  i grin and start randomly rubbing the dye into the pants.  after a couple minutes, i look down and realize just what part of the pants i'm rubbing red dye into. oops. oh well. i'm still wearing them.  
  A REAL LIMERICK IS IN THE FORM:  9,9,5,5,9  Oh LowBrow's contents are compelling With spanking and fucking and smelling With tales of woe Three pimps and a ho And stuff that we shouldn't be telling    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once read a story about a woman who made sure she at least "milked" her husband every day. Something to think about, ladies.  
  Here I sit...very frustrated that yet another one turned out to be a minute man. I mean for Christ sakes, the stats have to be 8 out of 10 men last under 10 minutes. Five of those 8 last about five minutes. Is this what I shower and put makeup and perfume on for??? I know I can't be that tight after all the men I've fucked. I know they must have heard a woman scream and moan before. One of these days I'm gonna have to ask one of them why the hell they can't do it right...but for now, I guess I'll just masturbate again.   - LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com   i used to think that having nerve damage from diabetis when i was a child was a bad thing. but now that i can fuck like a rabbit for 3 hours and not cum is reassuring especially that i can last longer than the men that have fucked this women. i guess the low brow moment is that i'm not only happy i'm not them but i'd like to prove it as well  
  Back in junior high at lunch one time...   Had been helping one of the 'cool kids' with a project, and actually got invited to sit at the 'cool kid' table at lunch...   Someone said something funny, and I accidentally shot a HUGE snot rocket right onto my food...  
  my wednesday routine: 9:15am call my girlfriend to make sure she got to work. Tell her I love her. 9:30am close the curtains, drink some vodka and smoke some bongs. 10:00am watch porn and masturbate 2 or 3 times. 12:00 eat a mess of junk food. and surf for more porn. 1:00pm sleep 4:00pm shower, shave and clean up the apartment. 5:30pm welcome my girlfriend home and tell her about all the job hunting  I did today.   
  So last night I was sitting in the bar. And they started playing a CD by this guy named Richard (Dick)Cheese. This guy is a lounge singer, but he only does covers. Covers of the songs these kids today listen to. There's some Sublime, some Beastie Boys, some Dead Kennedys, Nirvana, Blink 182, etc. But it's all lounge music. Slowly it dawed on us what we were listening to. Maybe it was when we heard him singing, in a very happy voice, "Rape, Rape, Rape Rape RapeRape, RapeRape Rape, ME!" that we picked up on what was going on.  I now own the CD.  
  "i just don't understand why he ran away like that. he seemed interested at first." "maybe it's because you act told him you're lonely and would really like to spend more time with him, all on his terms." "but i  would  do anything, even just to have him be my friend." "that's your problem, hon. people won't buy honesty. you've got to pretend to be something you're not. it's the only way to get guys." "maybe i should just become a lesbian." "no, that won't work either; girls are even worse." what's the good of being one in a million when it's because all of the others were filtered out by natural selection?  
  what the hell is a low brow moment? I thought I knew but then I read the others and now I'm just confused... anyway, the other day I woke up at like four in the afternoon, smoked a few butts on my front lawn (wearing my shiny basketball shorts and a winter coat with no shirt) After that I was starting to wake up, y'know, so I ate a few manwichez and called up my good friend, farm boy. he was busy and didn't want to chill with me so I just sat around all day smoking cigarettes and downloading porno movies on my computer. It was muy lowen brau!      
       It was the end of my senior year of high school and I was at the public library working on a term paper.  I had a female friend who worked at the library and I saw her talking to this gorgeous girl I had never seen before who was seated at another of the tables.  I managed to corner my friend and ask her to introduce me to her friend who was seated at the table.  She did and I sat down and talked in a whisper with this girl for a while.  I thought we really hit it off.        The next day I went back to the library and was standing up at the electronic card catalog when she came walking over limping.      Thinking I would be cute, I said, "What's the matter, your leg asleep?"  To which she replied, "No, I was born that way."  I never saw her again.  
  Miguel is holding Steve's shotgun. "Wow, I didn't know you had a 12 guage. Loaded?" - - "Naw, see." Reaches over to the trigger and  KBLOOM!!!  I run in and see: hole in floor, smoking gun, bug-eyed dudes with mouths agape. One strange thing is that the downstairs neighbors, who were home and complain all the time about trivial shit, never said anything. Another strange thing is that I  have  actually had stupider roommates...   
  It must be true: There are only three lesbians in the world. The rest is done with mirrors.       
  I was having dinner in a classy restaurant. There was me, one of my friends and 10 girls celebrating a birthday party. How we got there is another story  I decided I needed a crap and went off to the lavs. I learned that no matter how classy a place is they still run out of shit roll. It wasn't a clean break so I couldn't take my chances of pulling up my trousers. So with them still round my ankles I waited for a quiet moment and shuffled to the adjacent cubicle. Would you believe it, no roll either. Now I was going commando so I didn't have any underpants to us. In a flash of inspiration I whipped off a sock and used that.  Later on one of the girls said "How come you only have one sock on".  Quick as a flash "Good luck, I'm a bit superstitious"  
  We went to the 24 hour store at about 1 a.m. because we suspected that the old hotdogs would be free.  They were.  I got two hotdogs and went outside.  My buddy came out with two hotdogs and showed me how he had hidden an extra hotdog in each bun by mushing the bun out and then disguising it with condiments. "The hotdogs were free." "I know, but I want to stay in practice."  
  23 years old, I'm visiting a female friend I hadn't seen in several years.  A girl I had always had a crush on... very beautiful girl, hot body, great sense of humor... I remember when we spent every day together, and nights laying on my living room floor with our feet up on the couch, laughing at everything like we were stoned.  The second night of my visit, we decide we'll go out drinking and dancing.  I'm ok with this,even though I hate dancing.  I cannot dance, and have no desire to dance.  After a few drinks and a few dances, I have to piss, so I excuse myself and head for the toilet.  I wait my turn, get to the urinal, start to piss - then a fart goes bad and I shit myself.  So here I am in a busy bathroom at a nightclub with a very hot woman whom I've always had a thing for, and I have shit myself.  I ended up going out behind the club, in the dark, stripping down and tossing the nasty things down a wooded hill.  We left soon after that... I just wasn't feeling up to sticking around after shitting my pants.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yes," I told my melanin-impaired friends, "Most brown people find your attempts to tan yourselves very funny."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was a normal Tuesday train ride to work. Nothing exciting until I look over at my fiance and see the look on his face that can only mean one thing.   So I do what any other dutiful wife-to-be does.   Put my hand under the bag that is sitting on his lap and stare blankly out the window while he silently blows in his pants.  I don't think anyone noticed, except for the bald guy in the corner with the dirty grin on his face.  
  I was in Chicago the other day and I saw an old lady collecting cigarette butts on the sidewalk...I encourage everyone to save the last puff or two before discarding.    Smoking is Rad.     
  Several unsupervised youth in a 20 floor hotel for a model un conference. There are two elevators right next to eachother.   We go up to the top floor in one elevator and hang out up there for a while. Great view of downtown Philly through the big window. When we call for an elevator to head back down, both of them show up at the same time. So we push all the buttons in one and go down in the other.   We don't really think much of it, but then the elevator stops about 2 floors below the top. The door opens and we hear some guy shout, 'Fuck whoever did this!' Everyone in the elevator dives for the Door Close button at once and we laugh our asses off all the way back to down our floor. I don't think the hotel invited the conference back again next year  
  he just laughed, and said that the worst thing i could ever do to anybody would be to give them a care bear stare.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From space, you can't see any international borders.  That is because they are not real.  This means that we are the only species that will kill hundreds of thousands of our own species because they cross lines that don't even exist.  We should have stayed up in the fucking trees.   
     I have lived both in small towns and NY City.  I swear, I get the most peace and quiet and privacy living in a city of 10 million in my little studio apt. than among all the bored to death busy bodies in a town of 2000.     
    "I've been in prison three times," he told me as we drove our forklifts around the warehouse. "And I'll go again, 'cause I'm never paying that bitch child support."      
  he was a born again parenth what happened the first time that went so horribly wrong that you had to do it over endparenth and the sheer delusional arrogance of his self assuredness was well obscene so i told him that his greatest hero the big jc didnt even think he was worthy and they pinned his ass to a tree ouch the silence of suddnely realized hubris is a huge deafening tongue that languisly licks me all over        
  I sent my son out for a gallon of milk and moved out while he was gone.        
  i passed out around four in the morning after your usual college drunk fare. Roommate already passed out in her bed, snoring away. A couple of hours later, i wake up. lisa is sitting in my desk chair, only a couple of feet away from me, kinda facing towards me but not looking at me. She seems to have this intense concentration look on her face, her hands clasped firmly in front of her. "whatthafuck?" i manage to mumble. that's when she stands up and pulls her pants up. just peed in my chair, totally asleep still.  That's when she goes and grabs her toothbrush, and leaves to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth at eight o clock on a saturday morning.  Never did quite figure that out. but i made her gt me a new chair.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Well it finally happened. I knew that if I looked at porn enough, I would have an Angel is the Centerfold moment.  Her name was Lisa. Of course in the photoshoot her name was Jessica or something like it.  After looking for a moment, in the middle of something far more important that remeniscing about High School, I realized who this was. I immediately felt a little dirty and closed it all up.  Later I went back, remenicsed and saved the pictures to my hard drive.  I love porn.   
  Have you ever noticed the impressive speed with which Zip drives eject their disks? Well, as a practical joke, I added a razor to a disk and put it in my workstation. But today I forgot all about that and embedded a Zip disk in my chest.  Damn.   
  i was really mad at him, he went and told my boyfriend I tried to fuck him in the school bathrooms, but after i made up with my boyfriend, i told him we were ok. he picks out butterscotch pudding to go with his lunch. he tells me how excited he was to get the last one. we eat. he does most of the talking. he mentions the insident with my boyfriend and asks if I want to turn lies into reality, then takes a bite of butterscotch pudding, a really huge bite. he looks at me with an expression of sheer terror. he has realized what i already knew, the pudding was really jalepino cheddar cheese, for the taco salad we just ate for lunch.   what an idiot.  
  An Unsent, Unaddressed Letter I Had Forgotten Writing And Recently Uncovered:  Introduction  I've been in a sweaty, tortorous fog for three days straight.  I've been sick w/a particularly nasty cold that seems intent on killing me.  I've been alone, & it's felt like one vast unconquerable Sunday, with no end in sight.  I'm just an honest man looking for a cigarette lighter.  And mourning for the loss of the flame.  My toilet won't drain and I've been screaming and cursing at the smug porcelain bastard for an hour or two, to no avail.  This has put me into a totally inappropriate funk that I can't seem to shake.  I got desperate and bent a coathanger out straight and tried to use it like a sinksnake on the toilet.  I probably looked like some sort of crazed abortion doctory from the late 40s.  So: I'm sweaty, screaming at a toilet in crazy frustration, and probably stink like a mad bastard, seeing as I haven't bathed for about three days.  Happy Thanksgiving...  Yours truly, Rev. J.D. Evans Man of Visions 11-22-99 10:48 P.M.   --what the hell was I thinking?         
  The first time I used the California slang word "hella", I had to exclaim:  "Dude, I can't believe I just said 'hella' - it was, like, totally subconscious!"      
  I went to a bar one night, late, by myself (almost unheard of), sober, and this cute girl comes up to me, throws her arms around me, gives me a big kiss and tells me she wants to go back to my place.  She was trashed, so I took her into the bar to look for her minders (all the while this girl is grinding against me, and sticking her tongue in my ear), wandered all the way through, and her two friends, a couple, peel her off of me and give me dirty looks, like I'd been molesting her.  I guess I should have just taken her to my place and screwed her, huh?  
  When I was in high school, my best friend and I were hanging out at her house. Neither of us had gotten any in a long time.  "It's valentine's day, I'm all alone, and I'm so horny I'm starting to want Taylor Hansen!" I said.  We decided to go to the movies, to see the Wedding Singer. We called one of our friends to meet us. He was a year younger and kinda skank, but generally a cool guy. He had his hand on my thigh. I kind of wiggled around until it was *there* and he started fingering me. About fifteen minutes later, I figure I ought to return the favor, and reach over.  I hit my best friend's hand. Turns out, he's doing the same thing to her. We high five and keep watching the movie.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We decided to be honest, so I told him I had slept with someone else.  I guess I had figured that he was going out too.  Turns out he wasn't, and now I have to let him fuck me up he ass.  
  I was driving about 35 mph in my taurus wagon when I heard "IF YOU DON"T PULL OVER I"M GOING TO PUT A BULLET IN YOUR HEAD".  A cop was behind me with flashing lights. He pulled me out of my car and made me stand along side the road with my hands on my head. He searched me and my car and then gave me a $25 ticket for something not worth mentioning.  I'm going to go to court and plead "Not guilty" and if they take too long to get to my case I'm going to yell out in the court room "IF YOU DON"T CALL MY CASE NEXT I'M GOING TO PUT A BULLET IN YOUR HEAD".  That's the way to get their attention.  
  We were having a cookout in my friend's backyard.  Marc's hot dog wasn't cooking fast enough for him, so he sprayed it down with WD-40 (a highly flammable industrial lubricant) and put it back in the fire.  He hard a real hard time grasping why he shouldn't eat it, but in the end we talked him out of it.  
  The guy who usually rolls the blunts didn't feel like doing it.  And neither did I. So I used the, "Okay...but you don't know where my mouths been..." line.  He thought intently for a moment, and then I said, "My lips will be allll over it, and I'm planning on using a lot of spit."  Everyone in the room kinda silently agreed, he should be the one to roll the blunt. I guess he knew because on a different night, I'd blown him and his friend off minutes apart.    But regardless...getting out of doing work because yer a whore...STILL kinda cool.   
  boston college can be one big lowbrow moment.  a poster in kostka first reads, "What is diversity at BC?"  drunken would-be fratboy response: "I like mexican food."  
  You ever have a friend who looked like a foodstuff?  I had a friend who looked like a meatball sub... I called him "Boutros."  
  So there we were, talking about relationships and friends and other semi-deep things, when she said, "I can't believe they're still together after all they've been through."  Not knowing exactly to whom she was referring, I said, "Who?"  "My buttcheeks," she said.   
  i know this girl, shes an old friend's kid sister.  this was the summer after her freshman year.  she was 15.  overthe course of the summer, she hooks up with three guys.  two of them have just graduated from her high school, one from another one.  they have all 18 for a while now.  the first one, she finally works up her courage and goes down on.  doesnt really know what shes doing, but he comes quickly (hes only goten head once before in his life), and less than a week later hes "in love" with her.  shit goes downhill from there, they split up.  next guy, pretty much the same story, only nobody had ever blown him before.  next guy, same thing.   between the three of them, they went down on her  once .  what kind of sad-ass kids are they?  i mean christ, shes had more sexual experiance than all 3 of em together, and theyre college students now, shes a sophmore...  course, easy as she is, shell prolly be some fun in a year or so....  
  My brother is taking a new interest in his appearance, due to drugs and girls. His hair always has to look just right.  He was out of gel so he's been using antiperspirant on it.  I scared the crap out of him by saying that it's going to activate the sweat glands on his scalp, and he will suffer from an ailment known only as Armpit Head.  
  Here's a story about a boy named Jeremy and his girlfriend, Abbey. They were hitting hard times in their relationship, because she hated Jeremy. Jeremy could sense the trouble. He thought the problem was that she was worried about having sex and the complications that would arise. So he knew what to do.  They had a phone conversation. She has decided it's time to end it all. "Look, Jeremy, I've gotta say something. There's something wrong with our relationship."  Jeremy in his misguided moron way says, "Oh, don't worry about it."  "What?"  "Don't worry about it, I got it covered."  "What do you mean?"  "I bought a big box of condoms."  She laughed her ass off, told him they were through, and hung up.  He cried.  Stupid fucking pussy.  
  The greatest thing about technology?  The ability to be writing this while sittin on the crapper.  
  Car + 60 mph + bare ass out the window = angry cop.   
  Normally, a guy buying a Tickle Me Elmo would strike her as cute, but this guy was just plain pathetic.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Guys, if you are thinking about asking your girl to have a threesome involving another girl, one thing to consider first.  If she asked you, would you blow another guy or take it up the ass from another guy, just to please her?  That's what I thought.  It's a two way street boys.  
  One early fall night there was a party out in the country. It had been a pretty lousy week and the mission for the evening was getting wasted. That night I used an 8 year old girl's chest of drawers as a toilet. Her older sister was throwing the party - everyone else in the family was out of town. Mission accomplished.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just started reading some entry about how baskin robins gave some person liquidy bowl movements and decided that I wanted yogurt b/c of that entry...The whole liquidy bowl movement thing reminded me.  
  My family runs a small cafe across the street from the local university.  I was visiting there one afternoon while a twice-weekly intro-to-advertising class gave its final ad campaign pitch.  About half way thru the pitch, i feel a rumble in my gut, the one that usually follows one of the greasy meat-wad bugers our cafe serves.  The bathroom is, sadly, across the cafe from where i am sitting.  Between me and it are 30+ college students, more than half of them eligable young ladies, and the only open path is right in front of them all.  The thunder from down under lets me know it will not be put off much longer, nor will its pasing be a quiet affair.  I am well aware that no goings-on in that facility are by any means private.  They will all hear exactly what happens in there...  I half expected a round of applause on exiting the bathroom.  My mom asked me, as i passed in front of the class, "Did you spray?"  My reply: "No, it was pretty solid this time mom, but thanks for asking."  Nothing like making coments on your fecal matter to impress the ladies.  
  you know you've done something right when a teacher that you have despised all year round does the one thing he can do to redeem himself: ask to borrow a big gold chain. now i know you're thinking that giving something to this pompous shmuck can't coolest thing ever but, let me tell you, when you using a gold chain to floss your sweaty smelly ass crack with a chain you know this shmuck is going to wear around his neck, you do indeed get a feeling god must be rewarding you for something. and thats a pretty fuckin cool feeling.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Reasons I Shouldn't End My Second Marriage (But I Will, Anyway...)  (If you're not a parent, just hit reload. You'd appreciate another moment about shitting your pants  much  better).  Renovating my motorhome, which I have chosen to be my residence in the long interm, I recruit by boy Wig to be "a big help."  He is one smart kid, so with his help, the job only takes twice as long, but then, what does time mean to a dad?  I don't choose to be a pushover dad, so when he helps me, I insist that he actually learn the job properly He's five, after all! (Hey, I'm teaching him to drive...)  We're staining oak, which he wants to get right into, but there's the long prep to do first. Sanding twice, brushing, tack rag... Then finally staining.   I let him stain an entire side, which I forget to mention will be invisible once assembly is completed, and once he gets the idea of what "with the grain" means, he does as good a job as I can.  We stand amazed at how gorgeous his work looks, glowing golden in the afternoon sun.  He leans against me, looks up, says: "You're awful nice to me."  Me: "Yup -- you're my only boy, named after my daddy."  Wig: "Mom says you'll be moving away."  Me: "Never! I'm not moving away until you go to college." I kiss him on the top of his head.  He leans harder and smiles up at me: "But mom says you'll be moving away from here."  Me: "Yup, but not far. I'll be at the RV park in the country by the river. You'll be able to come visit, and have sleepovers, and we'll toast marshmallows, and go fishing..."  He: "And Patrick will come sleepover, and Latisha?"  Me: "You betcha!"  Nuff said.  
    I can't stand soda, and only drink it when there's nothing else. I'll explain to people I know how it can screw up your digestive system, rots your teeth, all tastes like piss and'll give you diabetes in the long run.   Usually when I'm explaining this I'll be on my third or fourth glass of straight vodka.  
  A friend of mine landed this girlfriend and jesus was she hot! I dono how he managed it. Hes not a bad looking kid i suppose but she was way out of his league. All they ever did when she would come over is go into his dark room and go at it for hours on end. She has a problem with this because that is all they would ever do and they didn't even really talk that much. About 2 months into the relationship this kid is going at it and all of a sudden he starts trying to fuck her. She yells at him telling him to stop and when he asks why she just said "because you don't have a condom so it isn't going to happen". Of course this is a lie, and she would never actually have sex with him. A few weeks later, before the next time they saw each other, she started seriously considering breaking up with him because of the whole never talking thing. So she decides to call him up and talk it over. She calls him and says "We need to talk about a little problem weve bean having." His response is "don't worry its taken care of." "What do you mean?" "I went to CVS today and picked up a hard box." That was the end of that relationship.  
  Know what gripes me?  Sex. More accurately, what women scream during sex. "Deeper! Deeper!". Like I have a piece of dick that I'm holding out on her. Yeah - sure, deeper. Just let me go slap another leaf in it... it's not a damned table!  ...anyhow. Yeah. That gripes me.  
  I was training one of my friends to be a sandwich artist and told him we keep the farthest bottle of mayonaise in the same spot cause we liked to jerk off in it and put it on peoples sandwiches. you know, assholes and hot chicks. just then the owner(thick indian accent) walked around the corner, smiled and said.  "it's fun to pee in the vinegar too"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am trapped at that horrible age where I am old enough to go to war, old enough to give myself lung cancer but not old enough to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.  Half my friends are married and having children and the other half are still in school,drugged up and drunk worrying about what mommy and daddy will say if they don't get accepted to med school.  I know these are supposed to be the best years of my life, but 19 kinda sucks  
   My dad died when I was 7.  He used to own an old Chevy Nova SS. My grandmother and a few of my uncles wanted to save it for me for when I got older. One of my other uncles sold it for coke.  
  Back in the misty days of my youth I met this incredably bautiful, disgustingly intellegent, devestatingly funny, and mind blowlingly sexy woman.  We got along real well.  One day she looks at me and says: "If you were a woman I'd spend the rest of my life with you."  To this day I'm amazed that I don't hate lesbians.  
  I understand the concept of "Hot Karl"  but what about "Musty Karl" and the ever popular "Dirty Sanchez"?    And just who in the fuck comes up with these ideas.  Or names?    Sick Fucks.    Who am i kidding?  I'm totally into the delicious duo of "Teabagging and Bagpipping"  
  I wanna live with a redneck for a while just so I can say,  "Bubba! Go put on your pants! Company's comin'!!"   
   She sits in the living room and listens. Listens for the sound of my clicking to stop, my keystrokes to stop, my snickering to stop. Then, when I stop all those things, she comes into the room anticipating the computer is free for her use.  The Computer is the third member of our love triangle.  
  Sometimes when I'm sick (or badly hungover), I get the shits really bad.  So bad that it comes out foamy, in a big, powerful stream.  I think to myself "I'm just a big shit-smoothie machine."  
  Maybe its unusual but weed was the last drug I tried as a youth.  I drank, tripped on acid - shrooms, even did coke as it was popular then.  But nobody where I lived had seen weed in a while.  Bran then returned from Vegas with flat brown commercial and I smoked without hesitation.  It was virtually the first time it was offered to me.  After smoking one joint I knew it was for me.  They say its a gateway drug.  In my case it was a gateway out of pissing in alleys after close and playing mad monopoly coked out until 8 a.m. - and a gateway into reflection and munchies; of epiphany and euphoria.  And nintendo.  
  So, it's like the fifth time it's happened to me...  What makes my pee-hole create a spray pattern that makes it so that NO pee goes in the bowl?  Three separate sprays--one on the toilet paper, one on the carpet, and the final goes in the trash (which was the only one I could really be happy about)...    Can I get some straws or coffee stirrers and place them strategically (oww?) to correct this problem?  
  Today i had my first (in a while, anyways) run in with a nearly-crapped-my-pants situation.   My dad took Maria and I out to dinner at Taco Bell and i ordered one of those new "Extreme" Quesadilla's.   If you go to taco bell frequently (like me), you'll know these are just normal quesadilla's, minus meat plus four kinds of cheese and is actually not too bad.   Until you're done digesting it.  Which takes all of ten minutes.  In the car, i was squirming, struggling to keep myself from gassing my dad and my girlfriend into unconciousness, clenching cheeks like an inmate who dropped the soap.  FINALLY we get home.   I bolt up the stairs to find the door shut. My mom's having her own ass problems it seems, and she's in there another 10 minutes, whilst i'm still clenching, trying not to lose sphincter control.  FINALLY she gets out. I shove  past her and rip down the pants, letting fly almost before my ass hits the bowl.  As i sat there, i looked at the back and insides of my pants, as well as the visible portion of the toilet behind me, i thought:  "Damn...That was almost a lowbrow."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         have you ever jerked off to women playing tennis on tv?  you know, blonde women with short skirts and nipping.  thats when you know you're bored.  
  My e-mail annunciator sound is Johnny Depp as Hunter S Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  It consists of him saying to Benicio Del Toro "Com'on you fiend!"   The timing of my e-mail annunciator is almost classic comedy in my cube.  
  my friend and I walk into class.  We assume our usual seat in the 2nd row, guess who happens to be sitting there? The really cute girl in class. We take our seats, I sit next to her.    no more than 10 seconds pass, she closes her notebook, packs up her books, gets up and moves two rows up and 4 seats over.  'What a bitch' I thought.  then I drop my pen under the seat next to me.  What do I find? That's right, her pink bic lighter.   sure it doesn't compare to my zippo. But fuck her, this lighter is mine now.  That'll teach her to move.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         God bless the woman who invented the RUSTY TROMBONE.  It when she eats my ass and while jerking me off in the front.  Rusty trombone... get it.  
  Ever look at someone and know that they don't masturbate? Ever. Like they wouldn't know where to start?  I have a friend like that.. she's wound tighter than a watch and sometimes I just want to scream at her, "For god's sake finger yourself!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I play two women at pool.  Pleasant time. One of the women has an "interesting" mouth, that droops on one side.  Me: "What's the thing with your mouth?"  (The lowbrow moment? Not yet...)   She: "I was born paralyzed on one side of my face."  (The lowbrow moment? Not yet...)   Me: "Oh, that's cool! I love twisted mouths!"  She: "..."  Me: "...and cross-eyes and buck teeth I just have a soft spot for unique faces like in Europe where there isn't a single standard for beauty there are even people with unrepaired harelips and I went to school with a guy with a polio arm and..."   (There, finally -- the moment in all it's verbal diahhreal glory, though some people might think the fact that I was serious was the real moment)    
  My girlfriend and friends were kicking it at a bar. we start talking about sure things in life... I was commenting that nothing in life is certain except for death and taxes... This girl that was in our group (bitch)... asked me if i would cheat on my girlfriend. this questions was thrown out right in front of everyone... Due to my principles and standing behind my words attitude, I said, "i won't cheat, but can't say for certain".... my girlfriend let me have it that night. I was not a happy camper!  
  You know you've been spending too much time studying for the astronomy midterm when the turd in the toilet reminds you of nothing so much as a red giant ascending off the main sequence of the H/R diagram.        
  Never under any circumstances walk through a park sucking on a chocolate covered banana and then wonder why people are laughing at you.  
  Once on halloween my mom baked a green cake with shitloads of green food colouring. Later on that night i dropped a green turd.  The happiest moment of my life...  
  "I'm drunk" he said to me.  No shit he was drunk.  "...and i've stolen some pills from my mums medicine cabinet. Do you want to know what they are?"  "Yeah, ok", I replied.  "Methadone"  I made my exit. He looked pretty fucked.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           My friend Stein and I had an argument about who was crazier.  This from the guy that says g3h, belongs to nintendodorks.com, and compares me to a fox in a bowl full of cold, stale  oatmeal.    
  When I had my first serious romance in high school I wasn't very secure about it.  I used to invent little "tests" for her.  For example, as we walked I'd quietly stop and see how far ahead she went before she noticed--I reasoned the quicker she noticed the more she loved me.  I had dozens of subtle little tests like that to check our relationship, but none of them revealed that she was fucking my best friend.  
  At first sight, I was quite impressed by his ability to carry six flaming shotglasses of Fernet Branca back to group us standing twelve feet away. As he turned, he deftly avoided getting bumped into by the really fat chick. But the evasive action was costly. For the bob and weave had caused the drink to spill over the sides of the shotglasses covering his hands with flaming Fernet Branca.  He made a slightly worried glance at his now-on-fire hands, then shot a glance toward  the group of us and the bar  mentally sizing up the distance then with only the briefest hesitation made for us. Hands still on fire, he passed round the shots, then blew the flames out, all remnants of hair on his hands and fingers now absent. Again I was impressed. Only a true friend would go through that to drink with his buddies. On the other hand, maybe the other eight shots of the Fernet Branca were beginning to have an effect......  
  Ingredients for a SuperFish:  1 Bubbletape Container 1 Knife 1 Twisted Mind 1 FSmall fish of some kind  Baking Directions: Take the lid off the bubble tape container and fashion a fake fish tail...make sure to make it as big as the entire lid. at one end, fashion a double barb (like an arrow). Next, catch a small fish. Cut off its tail. Put the NEW AND IMPROVED big tail in there and let the little fucker go...watch how fast he swims now!  SCIENCE!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         --masturbation tip A-->  whilst whackin, use free hand to pour a carbonated drink, from a few inches above your mouth, onto your tongue.  your brain will dig the dual sensations, trust me.  ::CAUTION!:: keep in mind that heightened arousal can cause uncoordination, and pouring said drink down your chin or into your lap may occur  leaving you to explain to your roommate who comes in unannounced  either why you appear to have been drooling or pissing yourself.  option B: teach your roommate masturbation tip A  per preference   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in high school, I remember telling my entire drama class that some guys can ejaculate doing bench press.    If they didn't already think I was wierd enough, that certainly did.  
  Perhaps I'll chainsmoke another few packs.  Perhaps I'll visit my old friend Jim Beam.  Perhaps I'll watch more static on tv.  Perhaps I'll stay in bed today.  
  I remember this Rally's commercial that started playing a few years ago and still does.  It's a series of fake testimonials from various "Man on The Street" types.  The guy, who is dressed like an idiot, says "You feel as if you are eating A-1 quality meat!"  Right there in the commercial, they have the balls to tell you that you are NOT, in fact, eating good meat, nor will you ever.  I guess I admire their gall, but I sure don't eat there anymore.    
  Somebody posted a moment questioning the truth of other people's moments.   The way I see it, it's like the female orgasm.  You hope it's real, but there's always going to be that nagging bit of doubt.   You just gotta learn to live with it.   
  my best friends mom was real hot and I mean real hot. one day i crashed at his and the next day he went early to soccer training and left me in his spare room which adjoined to his parents bathroom. I woke up to the strains of his mom pleasuring his dad with a strap on vibro complete with lubrication instructions. I never really looked at her in the same way again  
  i ran out of paper plates, so i microwave my burritos on a frisbee now.  im not so worried about the health risks as much as how the plastic affects the taste.  
  You wanna talk lowbrow? It's been the fifth day straight where I haven't escaped spilling something on myself or shitting my pants.  Sometimes both in the same day. I need a vacation.  
  New signs up all over the men's locker room of my 24-Hour Fitness in the Castro:  Notice: Any patron caught exhibiting lewd or inappropriate behavior will have thier membership permanently revoked.  What I wanna know is why do a few assholes have to go and reinforce all the stereotypes that make the rest of us Fags look bad.  Especially when there's the Gold's Gym just up the block.   
  I am sitting at my computer searching on google for pictures of Brad Pitt shirtless.  For goal-related purposes only.  (Goal as in physique, not sexually.)  This is what being into fitness does to you. Wtf. All I wanted was a girlfriend.  And here I am looking at a gallery of 900 pictures of Mr. Pitt. Girlfriendless.  Arg.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I recently went back to my high school reunion.  My highschool boyfriend told me that he just recently sold the car he was driving back then.  He said right in front of my fiance' that the blood stain from when I lost my virginity with him was still there on the backseat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my roomates in college had a Norwegian girlfriend named Hella. (don't laugh you California "dudes") She was a long distance runner. She ran like 28 miles a day almost everyday. My rommie told me she hadn't had a menstral cycle in over 2 years (No wonder she was a total bitch) One day she comes over looking for my roomate but he wasn't there. I look down and shes got like this HUGE bloodstain on the front and back of her white shorts. She apparently hadn't noticed..... I didn't bother to say anything, not really my business.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The phone rings. "Hi! It's Amanda!" I rack my brain ... jeesus! Amanda from the BrewPub! Italian Amanda of the skinny bod, sharp wit, flashing eyes, cascades of raven hair ... basically,  Amanda Of The Many Fantasies . Me, controlling myself: "Wow, this is a surprise! Whassup?" Amanda: "I just haven't seen you in a long time, and I miss your witty sense of humor. Would you like to come over?" Holy fuck this can not be happening. Nothing like this ever happens to me - I'm a miserable monk, these days. Me: "Eh -- what happened to Sean? Is he still stalking you?" Amanda: "No - we're back together, but, eh ... he's gone this week, and I'm just bored."  (Oh God: You think having me over will make you feel less bored? I'll bore all the way through you, you dark beauty!)  Sean of the 76 tattoos. Sean of the prison-shaven head. Sean of the cute pink electronic ankle bracelet. Sean of the scary stalking techniques. Sean of: "If I ever see you with another guy, I'll fucking kill him!" Amanda of the open invitation. Amanda of the body to curl up and die for. Amanda breathing on the other end of the phone... Me: "Thanks, luv, but I'm not feeling so good this week. How about next week, when Sean is back?"  
  I never dreamed I'd be the type to be sharing a line of coke off the back of a toilet seat in a dive bar but dammit... it's fun!  
  Grocery clerk entry #27: We paid J $10 to jam his face into the chocolate mousse pie.  No dainty shit, we told him.  Really jam it in.  He pushed his face into it so hard that it shot up and out of the tin around the sides of his face. For $2 we got him to eat it.  He ate all of it but 3 bites.  He started gagging.  We weren't going to pay the $2 because he didn't finish it, but our manager came in and made us pay up.  I guess he earned it, with the gagging and all.  
  at a friends party, another friend and his new wife (whom i had never met)decided to show everyone thier wedding video(hooray)i walked into the room and heard someone singing(horribly) on the tape and promptly asked  "who the hell did you hire to sing a damn moose in heat?"well it turned out to be the brides father who she was just reunited with after several years.open mouth insert foot.        
    do you think it is relevent to compare current champions of mud wrestling such as Mike Hunt with the past masters of the sport?  :  crashbrn: i feel out of my depth on his one, but genericaly comparing the past and the present is not fruitless, but can be dangerous.  
  While in High School I would great a friend with a dry quip or a joke.  One morning i was just about to great him in my usually manner but he stopped me before I could get my first word  out.  He asked me if I could ever say any thing with out ever being sarcastic.  I complied by nodding my head and with just a plane expression on my face i greeted him with a hardy "Good Morning".  he said with a satisfied grin "Good morning".  I starred at him for a moment and said "Are you happy now".  
    I read the Dragons Of Pern, and almost liked it      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was my friend's 18th birthday so we wanted to go to the local strip club for fun.  We're all girls and girls get in free with an escort so we tried to round up a bunch of boys to go with us. Not a single boy wanted to go to a strip club with five bouncing 18 and 19 year old girls. Not one. That just tells you how horrible the strip club was.  Or how lowbrow.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my boyfriend saw e drunk for the first time this weekend.  drinking my maker's and coke his friends were making fun of me for a low alcohol tolerance level.  so my boyfriend, who's quiet, is drinking straight bourbon.  i look straight at the guys making fun of me grab his glass and down it in three second.  nobody else can stand to drink straight bourbon.    the guys look at me say *damn.....* and stop tomenting me.  i think they were sad.  too bad i have a low alcohol tolerance but a damn stronger stomach than them.  were not going to mention that i am at least a hundred pounds lighter.  
  I'm 25, and it never occurred to me to use spit as a lubricant for wanking until earlier this year I saw an episode of Presidio Med (a rather lame ER type show), and one of the doctors told some guy who was about to give a sperm sample that "you can't use any lube, not even spit". Alarm bells went off in my head, I could not wait to try it, and it's fucking great.  
  There are frogs in the rainforest that are luxuriously appointed in bright hues of blues, reds and yellows that serve as vivid warning signs to deter potential predators.  Using the same evident Darwinian traits, one would have thought that women undergoing PMS would also undergo a change in hue to warn all men or other sentient beings to avoid their path at all costs.      
  dates are not important but at one point i could drink more than most people i knew i would be the last one standing at parties and massive drinkathons i was ohso proud then went to a party and there were four guys who could drink as much as me we all have kids now and dont drink an eighth of what we used to but those guys have been my friends for over fifteen years when you ascribe the devil to objects it just pisses satan off cheers        
  I came home to my parents house for Christmas Eve dinner and I hear (from outside in the driveway) some weird thumping noises along with the loud sound of a vaccuum or something coming from inside. I open the door and my fucking parents are blasting Christmas songs full volume while shampooing the carpet.   What the fuck?  
  New Years Eve of 2000 was the first time I ever threw up while drinking. It was only a little and fortunately entirely in the toilet.  A few weeks ago I threw up all over the passenger side of one of my best friends car after a night at our weekly bar binge.  I think I've grown up alot since then, don't you?  
  Its Halloween, Madison WI, State St.  Thousands of the most drunk bastards you have ever seen in your life and each one of them is trying to get laid.  Me?  Im dressed as the most sexy vampire you have ever met, trying to get laid of course.  My friend and I come upon a man dressed as Santa with a dildo hanging from the front of his suit.  He asked me if I wanted to sit on his lap.  Being drunk as I was, I did. "That was the most lifelike dildo I have ever felt" Uh, hun.  It wasnt a dildo.  My ass hurt for days.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to the last school dance high on several bottles of Robitussin.  
  I thought at that moment of slippitude that the manna from heaven described in the Bible must surely be KY Jelly.  
  I was out walking late at night when some rowdy teens ran by and pepper sprayed me, laughing.  Very fucking funny.  I got to spend the next several hours with my eyes squeezed shut, tears streaming down my face, completely blind, thinking a neverending stream of violent obscenities at those rowdy teens.  
  when i was about 12, i had 2 cops show up to the door looking for my dad. I was home alone, and this was my first dealing with our boys in blue.  how odd, i thunk. whatever could my straight laced, suburban father have done?  Someone had called it in to the local popo station.  locked his keys in the car, at the train station where he left it to go to work for the day.  with the car running, all day long.   He had had the thought to lock the car, but not to turn it off.    my dad's wicked smaht.   
  I can't remember why anymore, but back in high school me and my friends decided to waste our New Year's by wandering around town all night. We ended up wherever we felt like ending up.   So there we were killing time in the 24 hour video place (free popcorn while you browse) when a couple in the store started yelling at each other. The fight quickly escalated and the woman removed her shoe and started pounding it against his head.   The manager decides to close the store after all. Hindsight is 20/20.  Everyone was escorted out of the score and we were left wondering where to go next.  At least I didn't have a pink pump stuck in my forehead.  
  I cut the back of my hand digging my car outta the snow with a pocket knife.  Got blood on my pants.  A lot.  
  Sold some 12 year old kids weed when I was 20. Shit, they would have gotten it somewhere else anyway.  Last month I gave a pregnant woman a cigarette and lit it, too.   Never liked kids.  
  Taking off my clothes and doubling over trying to suck my own dick. I'm not even close. I hear my back crack and I unfurl myself.  Lying naked on my back on the carpet, panting, I think "time to take up yoga."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was with my eighth grade students at a picnic and finding myself too lazy to get food for myself, I decided to steal food from a student. I did this by telling her to look at something whilst I removed various items from her plate and consumed them.         
   Life ain't easy for a boy named Sue, you can sure as fuck bet on that.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work for a large, global company. A company with a good reputation. The company, along with others, is having a very bad time.  Last night I fell asleep with thoughts of Enron in my head and wondered if I should get out now.  
  My mom gave me a Cadburry easter egg as a belated easter present. Thought nothing of it and shoved it into my pocket. I was out all day outside and put my keys into the same pocket. At the end of the day I pulled the keys out of my pocket to get into the car and it was a chocolety mess and I had nothing to clean it with. Couldnt think of any way to get it off so I stuck the keychain in my mouth and sucked all the chocolate off. 5 mins later I pulled the keys out of my mouth, started the car and drove home.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when we get drunk, we play this game called donkey-kong.  what you have to do is take a keg shell and roll it down a flight of stairs.  another person stands at the bottom and jumps over the approaching keg.  it is just like the old video game.  the person a the top is donkey-kong, and the person at the bottom is mario. one time my friend mike hurt his knees.  another time, my friend chris leaped all the way over the rail and jumpkicked my other friend chris in his broken hand.  chris #2 broke his hand punching chris #1.  
  How much porn would a woodchuck check if a woodchuck could check porn?  A woodchuck would check as much porn as a woodchuck could check if a woodchuck could check porn.  Me, on the other hand, I only check five hours worth.  
  I stopped over at my girfriends house for a little fun, as she told me her parents were going out to dinner.  I get there and her mom and dad are just about to go out the door.  I say high and goodby to them as they walk out the door.  As soon as their gone me and my girlfriend start going at it like animals.  I put it in her butt and start the action, after not too long we see her parents car coming back up the driveway.  I quickly pull out and we start getting dressed.  Her dad, a hardcore military ass-hole, comes in and says they forgot the checkbook.  he walks by the couch where we were having our fun and notices a little piece of shit on the couch.  It must of came from my gf's ass as I pulled out in such a panic.  Her dad asks what the hell that was, and she tells him that it must have been the dog.  He seems angry, but he also seems to buy it.  Next thing I know the old man is in the back yard shooting the poor dog in the head with a nickle plated pistol.  He came back in the house, grabed the checkbook, and he left without saying another word.  I left soon after.  
  So I am reading the bible with my kid the other day. To paraphrase what I learned from what is written:   Abraham was getting his leg over. So much so that he was boning Sarah until she was 100 years old.  His son Jacob, was getting it every way 'til Tuesday - He married two sisters (got tricked into it but didn't protest to loudly). They were both modern and let him fuck their maidservants. So as far as one can tell he was getting laid continiously by all four - though probably not all at once.  Fine. Twelve sons later produced by all four partners, we have the twelve tribes of Israel.  Fast forward to modern times. How the fuck did we degenerate from a quite happy and amicable situation of blissful polygamy to one where highly strung republicans' answer to everything is abstinence and "just say no"?  Go figure....    
  i still remember standing at a public urinal years ago while wearing shorts.  one word: splashback  i now wait for stalls  
  After Kurt Cobain ended his life, I regaled my friend and co-worker (a huge Nirvana fan) with every suicide joke that I could think of.  (i.e, What color are Cobain's eyes? Ans: Blue.  One blew this way, one blew that way.)  Exasperated, she asked, "Why do you hate him so much?"  I answered: "Come on, Laurie.  What kind of an asshole shoots himself in the head and leaves behind a wife and daughter?"  She answered: "Well, my dad did."  
    One time I was soo intoxicated I drempt that I took a piss out my window and then I woke up in my friends bed with a wet spot at my feet and his pillow under my head. The nasty thing about it all was that he witnessed it and was too drunk to care.      
  I went to one of those Oriental Spa places to get my rocks off. They're the kind of places where the Asian women are imported in the holds of cargo vessels and brought to America to service the sexual needs of American men.   She washed me gently, then took me to the room where she massaged me expertly.  "You want everything? $100"  I paid gratefully.   "I be right back"  She reentered the room after a few minutes with a condom and some lube. She put the condom on me, put the lube in her, and fucked me like a pro (which she was).   I skulked out of there quickly.  I went home, kissed my wife, and asked "What's for dinner? Smells delicious!"  
  When I was going through puberty, and getting an erection was still a new and exciting experience, I decided to wrap my flaccid penis with masking tape to see if I could break it by getting a hard-on.   Once I began to become aroused, I realized two things-   1) The tape was stronger than I had originally imagined.  2) Being that this was an early boner, it wasn't going to go away unless I came.  It took ice and extreme concentration to keep the end of my penis from exploding. It almost turned black. Then once I regained smallness I still had to pull the tape off.  Learn from my experience.   
  i sleepily rubbed my eyes and trudged to the bathroom, hoping that i'd be able to get back to sleep after i relieved myself. i stood over the toilet, shivering with joy as my bladder returned to its original size.   the messed-up thing was that i wasn't standing at the toilet...i was lying in bed, having a piss-dream at 4:30 in the morning.  i don't think that my girlfriend bought the 'i-had-a-nightmare-and-sweat-in-my-sleep' story at all.   in mid-stream, i realized that i was asleep  
  Grassroots Festival, 2000 - take 3  Sitting beside me are a bunch of guys who have a $20 bill attached to some transparent fishing line.  They place it in the middle of the pathway, and when somebody spots it and reaches down, they whip it away.  They are having far too much fun, for far too long.  When I leave, I step on the fishing line, then grab the $20.  They look like they're going to cry, so I give it back.  
  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.  ( oh my...)  A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)  A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)  Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity!!!)  Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)  A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)  Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)  Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)      
  "Yes," I told my melanin-impaired friends, "Most brown people find your attempts to tan yourselves very funny."  
  Not a moment, just wanting people to know, "loose" is a term for something not tight, like "loose as a whore"  "lose" is misplacing an item, or not-winning something. It gets annoying seeing the same damn spelling mistake everywhere  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My buddy and I decided while we were at the Indian buffet that there was no reason to have sliced off the top of the "drumsticks" where they had unless there had been some joint up there not found in a chicken. Oh well, they were good "drumsticks".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was very excited to be going to McDonalds one breezy summer afternoon with my best bud, Rich. Now, I know that going to mcDonalds is not, per se, the most exciting thing to do, unless you are taking a new car through the drive-thru (isn't there a volkswagon commercial about that?) but, indeed, I was not taking a new car through the drive thru. My bud Rich and I were going, in person, into the McDonalds to sit and eat and joke and talk and do all the things that best buds do in fast food restaurants.  Oh, and I was wearing a cow outfit.  Now, depending on who you talk to, the cow outfit was either of no importance, or of great importance (and, therein lies a paralell to the national debt, I think) to the events which followed. but, for the edification of those who think the outfit important, it was a white/black spotted jumpsuit, with horns and four strategically-placed udders which squirted milk through a little hand pump. The whole thing cost maybe $30.00 at Spencer's and was bought for halloween.  And we walked into the McDonalds that summer afternoon and went up to the counter and my bud Rich ordered a super-sized #3. And when the teenager at the register asked me what I wanted for lunch I screamed  "CHICKEN" as loud as I could, and filled the following silence with "WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BE HERE FOR?"  Some children laughed. Others cried. Some just left. But we sat down after that, and ate lunch and talked and laughed and did the things buds do. And therein, I think, lies the moment.  
  he hit the button on the stereo and came back over to sit down.. we talked about life, old girlfriends, the nasty smell of asparagus.  i told him we needed some bean bag chairs.  
  Time Capsule 'Brow  I like to take off old band-aids or scabs while I'm at the store and put them in boxes or places where if they're ever found at all, it'll be a long long time from now.  There's nothing quite like it, knowing that someday, maybe many years from now; there'll be someone going "Ewwww!" and all because of you.  
  There used to be a bum by the name of WILLIE that mainly hung out in the neighboorhood.  When you would walk by he would yell out "GIMME A DOLLLAR" with a very deep emphasis on "OOLLAR". IT was a demand rather than a request, conveyed with such conviction that he created quiet a little niche of contributors to fund his vices.  When he was inable to move along by himself.. the police would snap on rubber gloves and tell him, "Willie, wake up Willie, you can't sleep here Willie."   WILLIE AN ALCOHOLIC AND HEROIN ADDICT,   WILLIE WAS H.I.V. POSITIVE,   WILLIE USED TO TEACH QUANTUM PHYSICS AT A LARGE AND REPUTABLE UNIVERSITY IN MONTREAL.  
  SO i get this email from a friend i have had for years.  "Don't you know her from Southie Days" was the message and a url. click holy shit if it was sarah, whom, on a serious acidbender i managed to convince to blow me. the only reason i knew it was her was because her right nipple had this cute (and mighty tasty) wrinkle on it and it showed clearly in the picture. the pictures were from an amateur pornsite. damned she looked young and fresh... i guess its time to look her email address up on the whowhere thing and drop her a line...        
  My Two Hour Exercise Program  First time  - wet Second time - wet Third time  - dry Fourth time - dry         
  We smoked pot we had stolen from her mom. I ended up trying on her dad's chaps.  
  dishwashing sucks. my hands are starting to look like an old man's.   well...an old man who washes a lot of dishes...  
   Sitting outside Fox's Donut Den with Jumbo Mixed ICEEs and smoking Camel Lights we discussed his new girlfriend.    Seeking reassurance that she was not, in fact, a slut, he said to no ione in particular "Yeah, I think it'd take at least three hours to talk her into it."  Missing my cue, I offered my opinion "You're too hard on yourself--give me twenty minutes and something shiny."   
  After a party, someone asked me "whose space" it was in, but I thought they were saying "Who's spaced", so I replied, "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty hungover".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  When I had a girlfriend (nearly three years ago), I was over at her house. We thought everyone was out. We were doing something that involved the removal of clothing, her thighs being clenched really tightly against my head and her bucking a lot. Then (I didn't see because I was busy and facing the wrong way) her mother walked in, blinked, and said "Tess, this is what locks are for." That night at dinner her parents were looking at us weirdly... but her father broke the ice when he said "Don't serve anything to Steven... I hear he's eaten earlier."  
  so he is disabled and in a wheelchair and got a raw deal cos some drunk hit him before he got the chance to use the manhood that hell never use now doesnt erase the fact that i wanted to bash his fucking head in for asking me to help him on and off my wife while we were at a wedding        
  I was really pumped when tjay told me that the website we run (www.lowbrow.com) was name-dropped in the New York Times.   I was so stoked that I immediately left work and combed Market Street looking for a couple of copies.   They did not even print the URL in bold face.   What a gyp.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I logged online because I was horny and wanted to find someone to get off with.  An IM window popped up.  "Hey sexy," it said.  And so I thought I'd found a winner.  Someone to talk me through playing with myself long enough to cum.  But no.  During the pre-cyber pleasantries, he had to go and get all Republican, and I blocked him.  Asshat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my best friend was telling me this story about how he and his sister gross each other out by wiping snot on each other's shirts, disgusting, i know, but that's just what they do.  anyway, apparently his little sister got a real slimer, and smeared it into his favorite shirt.  so he blew his nose on her face.    
   One more E-mail to LadyFrickingDa  No response required. We seem to live in similar worlds. I just love your moments, especially the one I've pasted below.  (Hey, by the way, are you a virgin? :-)  On second thoughts -- could you call my home number and leave something really raunchy and incriminating on the answering machine for my soon-to-be ex-wife to hear?  I'll reimburse you for the call. She's in her righteously outraged stage, where she thinks it's OK to say and do anything at all, since I am such an awful fink in her eyes.   Like all the times I've fucked other women (never, in seven years, which also means I haven't got laid in three years), and all the times I hit her (never), and all the times I didn't give her half of all I had (never) and all the times ... but you're yawning already.  Keep up the good work! (Eh, I mean your postings, rather than your copious body fluid exchanges. I love your postings about them, but I just wonder what's really in it for you -- you never really say.)  By the way, there are not many lowbrowers who even know the word "epiphany," forget about how to spell it.   
  I didn't have my own car that summer, so I was the 'van monitor' for a day camp for retarded kids.  Every morning we'd drive through the hood of East Cleveland to pick up our charges, and every evening drive them back.    One day the last two boys were in the back, pretty quiet.  I look back and see one of them lying across the lap of the other, having just gotten the hand or blow job of his life.  (Or maybe of his day; other counselors had caught them doing the same thing.)  Hard to figure out the correct response to that. "Put that away! Pull your pants up!  Don't *do* that"... it lacks a certain something.    
  the fact that i'm gay does not automatically mean i want to suck your dick. it does, however, mean that i want to suck your friend's dick  
  For a while before I got married I went with a gal who was relatively inexperienced but Very Oral, if you know what I mean. One night she's had a few and she says, coyly, "I'm just a litle girl -- I need something to suck." Man, I missed the chance to get her to shave it and act 12 for me. I am still kicking myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Monday morning.  On the toilet.  Poop is supposed to be solid.  Thank you, Olestra.  Greasy, oily discharge.  
   i only shower when i have to go out  - so that's almost every other day  i pick my nose and i wipe the boogers/snot off on desks, walls, my pants, anything around.  i only brush my teeth and wash my face once a day - in the mornings when i wake up.  i masturbate almost every time i'm bored or in bed, so that's like 3x per day  my room looks like someon came in and ransacked it, throwing my clothes all over the floor and the bed   ... and i'm a girl. :(  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wonder if there is some sort of language in the piles of dog shit that they so love to smell. Like, for instance, advertising, or a party invitation to a certain house when they know their masters will be away.    
  so me and my ex get together to have lunch and hash out old times.  we're talking about funny stories from high school, you know, stuff that you can only laugh about five years later.  so i start a story, "remember that time you went down on me in the back of your car and i was laughing so loud that these two little kids came up to the car..." and he's like, no. and i say, "no, i distinctly remember looking out and the kids were talking about the bumper stickers." and then i realized that it was his car. it just wasn't him. i'd borrowed his car to go on a date with another guy. i guess some things aren't funny for at least ten years.   
  somebody once said: "I look up at the crucifix and think, 'Man, Jesus had great abs,'"  they're right. he should put out a workout video, and call it: "Divine Abs."        
  Greyhounding it across the country in January, the whole freeway was shut down because of a blizzard.  We were in a tiny town in Nebraska with two hotels and a Burger King. All the rooms were immediately taken, but the people in Burger King were kind enough to let us stay there. It was one of those with the cool kids playground areas. About five of us spent the night in the that big play thingy with the plastic chambers connected by tubes and slides. We each had our own "apartment" and slept very well.  
  Being broke as fuck only leaves with certain options for a saturday night out.   Tonight, my saturday consisted of getting loaded at my friends house. Unfortunatly he's married and has a kid and sleeps way too early.   Instead of calling the girl i really want and hanging out with her after leaving my buddy's pad. I grabbed a sixer of MGD, a new pack of cigarettes, and came home.   
  so the other day i was watching tv and i saw an advertisement for a machine that can, over time, stop all of those annoying telemarketer calls...   soon i started thinkin of the life without those calls...  what would i do?  i think the silence would destroy me...  
  She didn't see it at first, but when she did, she laughed and said, "Phil-ip!"   I can't even get credit for my own jokes.  I had to tell my mother-in-law *I* was the one that hung her bra in the chandelier.  
  He messaged me. His words slithered across the screen like grease down a Mcdonalds grill. Wanna cyber? he asked.  I pondered this. I toyed with him..filling his screen with images of big breasts and creamy thighs. He begged me to finish him off.... I had to comply, so i clicked *ignore user*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we awoke, i half-clothed, she fully, and both still very inebriated.   large blank spots about the night before. i sit up to find my shirt (that i don't remember removing), and see one of my notebooks lying on the floor next to the bed. "She said we will talk about sex in the morning, I said we won't." in my handwriting.  we looked at each other very confused. and you guessed it, i won the bet.  
  I was working at my video store when I guy came in, older man, and asked if we had Jackass: The movie.  I showed him where it was and we struck up a great conversation about how people take movie and game content to crazy extremes.  I thought the guy was pretty cool.  He knew what he was talking about, and agreed with most I said.  "What I really hate are those bible-beating people who passionately read the bible all day and do nothing than bicker about the "bad things" on Earth.  They usually end up teaching Sunday School or working with a religious youth group and scare kids out of their wits about watching such things.  I don't like church very much.  The people at the one's I've been to have always acted snooty and protest things they know nothing about.  Sometimes I think we should tax them damn churches!"  He kinda nonchalantly laughed at my comment and became quiet.  I walked up to the register and checked him out.  Before he left, I looked at his account info.  The guy was the pastor at a nearby church.    The lowbrow part?    I dated his daughter for a month, and still have wetdreams about her.  Ah, memories...  
  all this talk about lighting farts reminds me of the time i saw a friend from nebraska smoke a cigarette with his bung... inhale, exhale. he was also skilled at inhale, inhale, inhale... giant fart. on command.  
  Daily work check list for today:  come in late: check  visit the "jackshack": check  sleep: check  blatantly slack off: check  overly long lunch: check  fuck and blame others: check  drink: no check  sleep more: check  leave early: check  damn, almost a perfect score  sad part is I get more done daily than all but one employee  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my mom is starting to go batty when i got back from the airport last weekend there were like 4 messages on my machine wishing me a happy birthday. so i call. "mom, i told you i would be in san francisco this weekend" "oh, that's right. i must have forgot" and then she starts telling me about this woman in west virginia who would be perfect for me. "she went to harvard and she is so smart. sometimes she says things that no one else gets, but i know you would get it." "that's nice but she lives in west virginia. i live in oregon." it's absurd and i can't stop thinking of laying naked on the couch last night. holding brett and thinking i haven't been this happy in months.        
  *in response to another moment*  the "top loader" as it was called can also be called, as I like to call it "the upperdeck"  take a shit in someones toilet in the top part where all the flushing parts are...the victim will not notice for a very long time and the sense of accomplishment you will feel is unlike any other  go forth and poop with soul  
     stop sending me mail about how you are better than me you dont know me and are a bit arrogant or naive to believe that the sum total of my personhood is immortalized on the hallowed pages of dear sweet lowbrow take a look at yourself before you start hurling bricks my way although i do like the taste of terracotta     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting around the other day wondering why porn is so great.  After about four different scenes of hot ass bitches giving head, getting fucked, and rammed in their ass I realized that Porn is the greatest kind of movie ever invented to man.  On that note I rubbed like a champ and blasted a cum shot right into my eye.......OUCH...it was red for hours.  
  I hadda dream that I was walking through my old high school, beatin' the crap outta all the guys who used to give me a hard time. I ran into a guy I used to know who had become a woman and we got to talking, and I told him I'd accepted myself and it felt good. We walked outside and without warning we were at Angel Stadium, where Madonna was about to perform - opening act KMFDM. And I saw a girl I once had a thing for across the stadium just as Madonna ran back to her limo to get some tampons (the car was incongrously parked high in the stands). I made my way across the stadium to the girl and found myself onstage with KMFDM, who were lip-syncing to a skipping CD. And the audience fucking loved it!  I never found the girl or saw Madonna. I went back to Mission Viejo to ride my bike home, but when I got to where I'd tied it up all I found were a few pieces of it and a Vons shopping cart. So, without ceremony, I got into the cart and rode home. Dream over. Coffee time...         
  I was at a bar in Rome near Piazza navona called Black and White. I had just finished what had to have been close to my 15th tuesday night dollar shots. Well I hadn't only been drinking shots so I was pretty much fucked up, "Ok man just one more and you can go home" I told myself. So i took the little plastic cup they served the shot in, in my hand and began to walk out the door as I slammed it. Well, I didn't get all the way down, and in fact much more came up, but I am a champion! I kept my head back eyes straight at the sky, and my mouth shut, I only opened it enough to release the air and excess pressure. There was a butt load of Italian hotties outside, and not wanting to look like all the other drunk americans who cn't handle their alcohol I plyed it off... sort of. I looked right at them and smiled with only a hint of puke seeping through the gaps in my teeth. I immideatly turned to walk away only finding more girls at every spot I went to reliev my mouth of this brutal drink my stomach had mixed for me. I held a mouth full of puke for about five minutes.  
  My first boyfriend turned out to be gay. I thought he respected my body; turns out he just didn't want it.  
  In Clarksburg, WV, there is  a dealership named Harry Green Chevrolet.  Last year at the fair, I saw a chia truck.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Things everyone should know how to say in Spanish:  "Madre de Dios!  Es el pollo diablo!" Usually will get you out of trouble.  If they don't immediately look around in morbid fear, they'll immediately start laughing.  "Donde esta el ba&ntilde;o limpiado?" A must.   Always  add the last word to this phrase.  "Dios mio!  Hay una hacha en mi cabeza" Another attention diverter.  "En sus rodillas y s pleme lentamente." Use this only when suicidal or on PCP.  If you accidentally find yourself uttering this phrase, it is a good idea to use one of the attention diverters and then run like fuck.    
  A hipster, hair blond, ear pierced, sits at the bar chatting amicably witha guy in a white cardigan sweater.  "you can go to Egghead and get somesoftware free, Slipnet, AOL, whatever.  It does the rest."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Talking to my grown daughter the other day. I said,  You know, people watch me. I don t ask for that. I d much rather be low profile and just do my thing. Instead, I find that I must be pretty damned perfect so that I don t get any derision. It s difficult.   But mom , she said.  You re so much fun to watch.  I still haven t figured out just what she meant and I m afraid to ask.  
  i JUST submitted a long description of my feces and what i think is wrong with me to a medical site, hoping they'd be able to tell me why my crap was dark brown/black. . .  i told them i hadn't eaten since 3pm yesterday aside from a bowl of cereal this morning, and i was hoping it wasn't blood. . .  and i completely forgot about the HUGE AMOUNT OF OREO COOKIES i had stuffed my face with before i went to sleep.  
  my parents, much to my dismay, made me go to old country buffet and almost had to physically get me to eat the "food".   as i was walking through the doors, i noticed a sign that read   ATTENTION: THIS PARKING LOT MONITERED BY SECURITY CAMERAS AT ALL TIMES.  i hope they saw me vomiting.  
  I've started watching Big Brother 3, first episode and I already hate everyone on it. I made a chart of who's going to get booted in what order, who's having sex in what order, and who goes off the rails with a pointless rant that annoys and insults everyone in what order. I have too much free time. And the jesusfreak Jason just HAS to go first.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This girl tells me that she is looking forward to all the sex we are going to have after she gets back from her vacation, all I can think is "that depends on how well my date goes while you're out of town."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         try this for fun!one night i caught a cockroach and dunked it in a shot of jack daniels. i pulled it out after 5 seconds and the roach was on it's back with it's legs up in the air! i thought it was dead and continued drinking 2 minutes later the roach is back on it's feet. it wasn't dead! it passed out. i put the roach in an empty fish tank. it's now my pet. it eats dog food and if it doesn't have alcohol in it's tank it gets really pissed, but otherwise it's cool. he's been alive for a year and watching him get hammered is great when you have people over.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         is it so wrong of me to let the chef do belly button shots while i lie on the dough table and let the waiter lick my armpit after the resturant i work at closes?  is it worse that i accepted money for it?      
  Now it's you that's got mail.  Subj: Re: Nothing Date: 07/03/2000 To: papagena@mindspring.com  In a message dated 07/02/2000 7:25:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time, papagena@mindspring.com writes:       First off, I'm only sending you this because I know that you're going to spread venom about me to other people   which is fine  ; it's your story as much as it is mine  . I just figure that I'd rather people dislike me for the right reasons  , rather than ones you've heard from other people.  Rebecca told me that you had called her and asked what was up with me.   What she told you was false, and she knows so. She just didn't want to tell you what was really going on.   What she said about you hitting on Jacob was in Florida; I wasn't even dating him yet.  I only noticed somewhat and wrote it off as my own personal paranoia  , but at least two other people saw it too. I am by no means upset with that  . What we saw wasn't even focused on one person. It was right after your breakup with Mike, and you may not have been totally yourself those last couple of days,   so you may not have actually been flirting with anyone.     That said, I'll move on to what you've been trying to find out.  You've probably noticed  , but I've been changing. So have you, but you've stayed yourself, if that makes any sense  . You're the person I met in ninth grade, but more strongly so.   My character, however, has been developing itself over the years. Mid winter tenth grade was a point in my life in which I had no idea where I was going  . No one knows about this, they just know that I looked "down." As I continued to struggle with my identity and my conflicting interests in biology and music, I slowly began to realize that I wasn't really getting along with you as much as I should have been  . You're introspective; you probably noticed this. I didn't want to cut things off with you totally though--I had too many good memories with you. I still do.   I only wanted to slowly distance myself from you so that we only really spoke when we saw each other.   Before that year ended, I met Jaffe and he convinced me to join Robotics   . This proved to be a pivotal moment in my life.    You know about my career struggle I went through over the summer.    Eleventh grade started, and I was still very unhappy with how far I was from finding myself.   I was still letting people I knew I had fewer and fewer things in common with go slowly, but I hadn't developed that strong sense of character yet.   I started to go to the robotics meetings and found myself more and more drawn to the team, which probably helped lead to both a personal growth and demise. Again, in mid winter, I feel that I caught a firm grasp on my character. At that point in time, I shifted groups of friends, which probably disrupted my plan to distance myself away from old acquaintences. I found myself in total enjoyment at the end of meetings just hanging outside the shop, or at the coffee house, but I also found this new group to have its own set of soap operas that I was hoping to avoid  . However, I didn't really find many character flaws that would make me flee from the group, so I stayed. I don't know if this is good or bad, because on one hand, I was happy knowing that I had a strong group of friends, but on the other, the soap operas were causing great emotional stress on myself. This made me grow more introverted, and probably made you grow more suspicious of me.   I don't blame you  . Things tumbled and fell emotionally for me in Florida, not just because of this social group, but because of stresses at home and at school  , and the fact that I just needed to be alone for a while--but no one realized that-- and I think that's what cut me off from you and a bunch of other people. I still maintained a strong bond with the people I had met in Robotics though, and two weeks later, I was dating Jacob  . A note about that: I really hadn't intended on telling anyone.  Not that I wanted to keep it from everyone or anything, but I just didn't have the urge to tell the whole world about it. The people that knew knew only because they asked me. Otherwise, I didn't say anything. It was like making a new friend to me; do I really need to tell everyone  , even my closest friends that I had made a new friend?   I hope you at least understand that.     The final word on this is that I've changed   . My thoughts and views have changed.   Especially in art, where we seemed to agree most  . My old view was very, very arrogant. All I'm going to say is that I am not the most knowledgable word on music, and you are not the most knowledgable word on visual art   . There is so much for both of us to learn  . What someone finds emotion in, neither of us may not, but that doesn't make them a philistine  .   Anyway, this all I can say about this issue. Don't expect anything else from me  ; I don't have anything else to explain.     >> You can get off the self-defensive kick, I won't tell anyone. I can only give you advice from experience.    Don't get romantically involved before you understand yourself, it only makes a mess.   You're only lonely if you make yourself so.  Try to like yourself for who you are, for god's sake. Being my shadow won't make you me, which apparently you have figured out. My abilities, my race, my height, the amount of money that my family makes--these things don't make me into something you feel you should be.   Life is a process, and cannot be solved in one episode of depression.   Relating to someone that cannot possible understand is both cathartic and leads to greater self knowledge.   The fact that I cannot respect you has finally slapped me in the face. Why do I still care, then? May you learn to fly, little Peacock.  Ruth   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         All I know is that in Mario 64 after all my trouble to rescue that pesky princess, who had been kidnapped for the 20th time it seems, she told me she was going to bake me a cake. A cake! I risked life and limb and all I got was a freakin' cake?!?!  
  who else thinks that FOX, given the chance, would air the crucifixion of jesus christ?  
  I'm driving down the street when I look over and see a man on the sidewalk snorting cocaine in broad daylight. 'Where's a cop when you need one?' I ask myself. Oh, look.  There he is.  Except he's pulling me over for having a break light out. What can I say?  The system works.  
  From another moment:  every guy, if he's honest with himself, has to admit to having some sort of panty fetish.  me, i get sprung by white cotton bikinis or anything by hanes her way.  sure, thongs are cool. but i got a weakness for the classics.  - street_corner@hotmail.com  Words of pure, deep insight, me lad. I'd even go so far to say that thongs leave me cold, but white cotton Hanes? Sigh... But let's just keep it a secret 'tween you and I, OK? Wouldn't want it getting around...  
  Family reunion.  Parents drinking outside by the pool, kiddies fallen asleep inside to Disney's Anastasia.  Tape comes to the end of its reel and ejects automatcially, TV flipping back to cable.  Oops, is that Skinemax?  Should I say something?  Should I do something?  Nah, serves 'em right.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         walking through the mall the other day with some friends, we passed the teenage girls section on the way out to the food court. what i staggered me, the mannequin with the green tank top was designed to be "nipping" when did this become standard practice?   
  You know how after you've taken a piss, sometimes it still feels like you have some in there?  This happened to me when I got back to my desk, but not wanting to go back to the bathroom and figuring that there really wasn't any left, so I relaxed all my muscles down there.  Thus pissing my pants.  This has happened more than once.  Why can't I just get rid of all my piss in one trip?  
  My mother was telling me about seeing Disney's "Fantasia" her first time.  She was 22  In 1970  With dazed eyes fully open and a plastic grin on her mouth, she said:  It was the best movie I ever saw....  Then she told me about growing pot in the backyard  I now know where I got it from...  
  I was a master of the High School LD Debate circuit, and a State Champion of an event known as DeX (Domestic Extemp Speaking) by the time I graduated High School.  What have I retained from those four years of philosophical competition?  The Jeremy Bentham created the concept of Utilitarianism, which HE defined as "Whatever is pleasurable, is moral"  I think this is an inspiring moral code.  
  I work part time (I'm a college student) for a law firm in downtown Dallas.  Every day after lunch, I have to walk about six blocks to deposit the firm's money.    I've grown used to the taunting, begging, and attempted selling of items by the Dallas homeless population.  In fact I'm rather used to and expect it, but on this particular day something happened that I would have never expected.    I'm walking back to the office from the bank.  Mind you, I have just had a large lunch and am pretty full.  I see a homeless man in the distance and we are approaching each other.  I know he's going to ask, so I'm avoiding eye contact as much as possible.  Upon getting about 10 feet between the man and myself, we make eye contact.  The man then proceeded to pull out a tube of ground beef (little tube, like the one sausage comes in) from his jacket.  On the tube were the words "Ground Beef."  This man was very dirty and wreaked to high heaven.  He opened his mouth (with decaying and missing teeth) and started to speak.  "Hey man, want some ground beef...only $.50 cents?"  As he said this, all kinds of white stuff started flying and falling out of his mouth.  I instantly became queasy and wanted to vomit, but instead I kindly said no thank you and continued walking past him.  All the while he continued with his sales pitch of how good this beef was.  Think about it guys, would you buy a meat product from a homeless man and my other question is where the fuck did he get the ground beef from?    I told my friends what happened and they all laughed hysterically about it, but I actually had some sympathy for the guy.  He was that low that he thought people would buy ground beef from him and for 50 cents at that.  Needless to say I lost my appetite for the rest of that day and still get queasy when I think about it.  It's just fucking gross.    
  my cousin's friend successfully gave his 16 year old girlfriend a donkey punch..   .. to my knowledge, she's still with him.  fucking idiot.  
  Eight shots of Maker's Mark at the holiday office party?...free.  2 pints of stout at the bar afterward, just around the corner?...$6.  Throwing up all over my shoes as I'm poured out of the BART train at North Berkeley?...priceless.  
  so at work, our bathroom is locked.  this is so that random people don't go in, shit all over everything, and make us have to clean it up. the only difference now is that they have to ask for the key, so they can shit all over everything, and make us have to clean it up.  anywho, i digress.  our particular bathroom key is attached to a big orange wooden stick, on which the words "rod of fury" are inscribed. it's quite a hand weapon against maniacal pre-teens with screwdrivers.  well, this one day, we found the backup rod. an identical orange stick, sans "rod of fury" but.... this one had a chain.  ...within minutes we had nunchucks.  in case you're attacked by marauding ninjas on the way to the bathroom. hey, it's a fucking jungle out there, man.  
  One day Im sitting in my room, playing Atari or some shit (13 years old at the time...) when my dad walks in.  "Hey," he says, "you ever see a fuck flick?" Confused, I say "Uh, no, I dont think so." He says, "Come out here, you should see this."  Takes me out to the living room and proceeds to show me my first porno. I love my dad.  (Found out later that he was actually copying them and selling them in an illicit porn ring that he and his buddies were running...way to go dad!!!!)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I bought a pack of Pokemon cards just to see what they were.  They were pretty damn stupid, and there was a kid whose parents looked pretty mean and wouldn't give him any money to buy cards, so I gave him mine.   After they left, I decided to look in the price guide to see how much the cards had been worth, and it turns out I gave away almost $70 worth of little pieces of cardboard.  Sigh....  I guess that's what I get for doing my "good deed of the year."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         evel knievel once broke the arms of a reporter... both arms... "because he wrote that i didn't love my momma." when asked about rumors he had to have someone hold the guy down while breaking his arms... "of course i did... both my arms were broken at the time." but he fucked that writer up good. he also said that pain's temporary, bones heal, and chicks dig scars.  evel knievel's my fucking hero.  
  so i was in the bathroom at grand central station with a friend and this janitor was in there...i was at the urinal and out of nowhere the janitor says really loudly "kiss my ass!, kiss my mother fuckin' ass! hell no!" the guy next to me along with everyone else in the bathroom was trying really hard not to laugh out loud.  
  Suspended was all the principal said to me, and I don't blame him. I mean if the toilet paper roll that I lit on fire and chucked at another student actually made his skin burn like his jacket did, then i can see the point in pressing charges.  Nobody likes jocks anyways.   
  so i love this guy.  we lost our virginity to eachother, spent two wonderful years together (yes that is a short amount of time but not when you're 19) but we came to a mutual decision that we needed to start acting our age.   "taking a break" as we call it basically i get to talk to the guy i love whenever i want to, but i get to fuck the 22 yr old graduate student trying to re-live his beginingofcollege dreams.  at the same time, i go out to parties with said 22 yr old and as i'm hanging out with him i can go after any guy around me that shows interest because the guy and i are just fuck buddies yes, the 19 year old's slut phase, i'm having fun with it.  
   Maybelline Moments #2  Sitting one afternoon on my farm with some friends, I can't remember what we were doing, but we were certainly in a giggly mood ;-)  So when my Maine Coon cat, normally very large by cat standards, but currently third-trimester humungous, comes home and gets stuck in her cat door, panics, rips the cat door right out of the wall, orbits the living room at high speed, yowling and bouncing her cat-door girdle off the furniture, we were unable to help her for quite a while...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You get lulled into a false sense of security in a town like this.  Relaxing at the local Starbucks on a warm June evening talking with the mate over iced coffee, kids skateboarding in the parking lot, lots of other people enjoying the early summer evening. A couple with a baby carriage and a big yellow labrador at the table outside.  I walk up to get a packet of sugar and catch a glimpse of the poster pleading for someone to identify the decapitated little girl that was found dumped in an empty lot the month before.  Yin and Yang  
  so the wife asks me: "what would you do if I left you?" I said I would get a good bottle of wine and go visit the older woman that I do gardening for. (only half joking) When she actually did leave me 2 weeks later, I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and spent the rest of the night in a strip club watching all the other tired depressed people.  So which is more lowbrow?  What I said or what I did?    
  I used to get guff from the female members of my household for not leaving the toilet-seat down. Then it dawned on me. Piss in the sink.  
  It was a new year's eve party. I got really drunk. Started doin stuff with some chick I wanted to get on for awhile then I took her back to my dorm room sometime in the morning. I began feeling sick from all of the alcohol I feverishly pound the night before. While we were lying down, I got up, looked at her, held my hand out and started puking. As if that sight wasn't bad enough, I farted simultaneously.  I haven't spoken to her since.  
  were standing around after a show and some skinny trailerpark drunk dood walks over and demands doesnt ask but demands a cigarette from me im not one for that shit in his voice so i tell him to fuck off the bastard swings a looping well telegraphed swing and trips over his own feet sprawling out on the sidewalk for some reason it was so sad we didnt even laugh we just looked at him all bent he gets up and starts this flying leap shit at me but slips in dogshit and mugs on the selfsame sidewalk then we laugh till we peed he walked off dogshitshmear down his calf and shin best fight i never got in  
  Confession:  I sometimes have to remind myself that, even if I *have* read dozens of your moments, I really don't know you, and none of you know me.  Sometimes it helps to pretend that the lowbrow folk are my freinds.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Everyone will be pleased and amused to know that after almost 5 years of solo apartment living and only one slightly singed oven mitt, tonight I succeeded in setting my fiberglass cutting board on fire after mistakenly turning on the wrong burner to make tea. Oh yes. There was smoke, there were flames, and my apartment now reeks with an acrid burnt-plastic stink. Thank the gods that I only stepped out of the kitchen for a few seconds. Doesn't take much for one of those cutting boards to catch on fire. I'm getting wood next time. At least wood smells better when it is burning.  And I changed my mind about the tea. It's time for a Lone Star.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Two-thirds of the way into the single best conversation I've had with a woman in my nigh-unto-twenty-seven years on this planet, she says: "I converted to Mormonism two years ago." Grgah! She lives in Spokane anyway ...   
  Way back in college, I woke up feeling strange, eyes puffy and slitted. Went to the bathroom, and while pissing, caught sight of myself in the medicine cabinet mirror. Some strange and horrible allergic reaction had caused my entire face to swell up until it was as smooth and rounded as an egg with two eye slits, a mouth slit, and a tiny little bump where the tip of my usually large nose protruded.  The doctors at the university medical center couldn't do a damn thing. "Go home and take some Benadryl," they said. So I went home and smoked a joint.   Everyone who came over laughed at me.  The next morning it was gone, as if it had never happened. It has never happened again.  Life is really fucking strange sometimes.  
  the cutest sight i ever did see:  the boy stalking around his apartment naked, on the phone with a friend, talking excitedly about the new 802.11 wireless protocol and gesticulating with a plastic flyswatter on which is written: "byte me.  UNIX rules."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         five am... i doubt it was my idea that she come home with us, as she was not that attractive... regardless, though, she did, and on the way, my brother felt her up.  when we got back to my apartment, he went to bed right away, and she started making out with me.  which was good.  and i asked her if she would like to go to bed and she said yes, but had to go to the bathroom first.  "i'll meet you there," she said.  and then i woke up, next to her, fully clothed. i just hope she realizes that not all strangers she could go home with are as innocent (and apathetic) as we are.  
  some psycho woman was really pissed off and yelling at some Starbucks today. i suppose the bathroom was out of order and she was bitching about how it was her right to pee. then she went on to ask if they wanted her to pee in the middle of the place. i waited around to see if she would just so i could say that i saw someone pee on a Starbucks floor. but what really sucks was that she ended up getting my soy mocha and throwing it at some random person outside. what a waste...  
  My best lowbrow moment was the moment I woke up, drenched in a pool of vomit, with two girls in my bed.  
  At the video store, we have these wind up toys featuring characters from movies. Late in the day, a father lost control of his hellspawn and the little brat would not leave.  I wound up a dinosaur toy and put it in a box in the back area of the store, then walked past the yelling kid and told him not to come back here, it was dangerous. So of course he followed me.  The box shook and roared, and I told the kid it was a monster. He ran shrieking to his dad, crying the monster was coming. I shrugged at dad and went on with my work. Be grateful we don't work in a hardware store, kid.  
  I remember the day I had my first cat-fight. It was also the day I had my first lesbian experience.  I dragged a girl across her parents front lawn by her long blond hair and later we got undressed and played with each other on her sisters bed.   Ahhh. Good times when you're thirteen.  
  After long experimentation, I know these for facts:  More than anything, girls love penis inside them (but first be sure to lick them to heaven and back). From long personal experience, I know that more than anything, I love having my penis inside a woman. Quid pro quo. Something for everybody, right? Then why is it  so fucking difficult to arrange?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just started a medication for depression that caused my bladder to overact, meaning I pissed about 12 times more than a normal person would.  I also had an obsession with computer games, like the kind you play online that you can't pause and dying is final.  So, occassionally, when I was in the middle of a fight on the computer, I would stand up, watching the screen, and piss in an empty soda can.  Then, when a good moment arose, I would run up to the toilet and pour the piss into it. The problem came one day, when my parents and I were in the computer room.  I picked up what I thought was an empty can of pop.  "Oh, I have a full can," I said to myself.  Taking a drink, I realized it was pure, self-piss.  I spit it all over my dad.  
    Sometimes you just have to say "Fuck it" grab your nuts, and go for it.      
  Beer, the cause of all the worlds problems and yet the answer to them.        
  i only work part time at my work and so i don't get a lunch break (i come in at 12), but i do give myself an, "ice cream break". and i have it like, around 3 or 4 every day, that way i know that i've only got 2 more hours left. so today i went to go get my ice cream in the 'large conference room' as they like to call it, and as soon as i reach for the freezer somebody comes on the PA and says, "the astrazeneca meeting is starting right now in the large conference room. everyone is invited" so i had to put back the ice cream before anybody saw me taking it in the first place.   i hate my work ..  
   Merlin  So, really stupid name for a girl, right? But here she is. We're sitting down sweaty at a student dance. She, displaying anormous amounts of cleavage: "I like you. I'd like to get to know you. I want to get to know the real you." It gets much harder. She throws one of her legs across my lap. I'm treated to several acres of girl-panties. These particular ones seem to be knitted, and somewhat damp. This is 1969, so even at the best of times, her skirt doesn't cover very much. But I'm just a little inept. Then she moves to my lap, which just feels so delicious that I almost pass out. No -- actually, I do pass out. I guess I was drunk. Anyway, when I wake up, she's gone, and the bartender is looking at me ominously...  
  One night my girlfriend and I were driving to go to the movies. I had just purchased a truck so her and I were talking about much easier it was going to be for the both of us to do it. Next thing I know we skipped the movie, headed up the nearest canyon and enjoyed the best sex her and I ever had. After finnishing a spot of light hit the windows, we scrambled for our clothes, the cop comes over and tells me to get out of the truck. He then explains "okay, I take it you're done right?" "yes officer" I said shakingly "okay, well then get out of here and dont' come back again okay.  "sure. I will do that sir."  "Oh before I go, did you hear me come up?" "No officer, we didn't even hear anything until the spot light hit us" "cool. I'm getting good at this then."  You can't argue with that.  
      ...getting caught reading lowbrow at work...with really dirty moments...twice...    
  the day after having a sexual encounter with an ex boyfriend.. whom i still had feelings for... he says and i quote  "i have to go to my grandma's for food.. but listen.. i just want to make one thing clear.. last night, that was just 2 people getting rid of tension and frustration... nothing more.."  makes me all warm and tingly inside.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Call me stupid but it was three days of this black gritty  stuff falling out of my pubes before I woke up on day four and saw the  little crab-like critters crawling all the fuck over the place. How fucking lame!    
  We had just finished having sex for the first time.  He got up, walked to the dresser, and lit up a cigarette as he sat back down on the edge of the bed.  He looks back at me and smiles apologetically.  "Me and my filthy habits."  He shrugs.  "Hey, you're not allowed to call me that until at least the third or fourth time."  silence.  The moment he started laughing, I knew I wanted to fuck him again.  
  Went to Niagara Falls this summer.   We were going to eat at that spiffy revolving restaurant, not even the buffet part, the real restaurant.  I wanted to wear a dress, but not all day in the windy Niagara Falls tourist crap.  I got my dress out of the trunk, put my purse on top of the car and changed in the front seat.  Some freaky looking people saw me, a lot of me, and probably thought I was pretty freaky too.  We drove away.  My purse was still on top of the car.  Damnit.  Now they have my money too.   
  Last weekend, at about 11AM, I was running down the street, trying to catch my dad driving off.  Middle of winter, I'm wearing just a bathrobe, and carrying a stack of Neil Diamond records. Surprisingly, there is actually a reasonable explanation for the whole thing, but what am I supposed to do, go door to door explaining it to each one of my neighbours.  
   Girls Don't Have As Much Fun As Guys  They just don't! Just ask a girl about when was the last time she stood outdoors pissing, while having an interesting conversation with her friends...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i get invited to the strangest cathetic moments people who need to purge their emotional intestines take me along shotgun for support or giggles or to torture my poor fragged ass i havent figured out which actually anyhow one of my favorites is when a woman i loved wanted to break up with her then boyfriend took me along and the sentence that sticks is quote so you got me fucking pregnant and now i have to work off my unwanted childs delivery in a womans clinic in kentuckey so no one will know i got knocked up see you you fucking okie bastard endquote and she was gone forever period i miss you k         
   dick sucking is a performance art.   
  When you go on birth control, one of the first things they tell you is that if you take antibiotics the birth control pills will basically be rendered useless. I know this well.  SO, I have strep throat. I managed to get up the strength to go to the doctor so that he could tell me this. He gave me a prescription for Augmentin and I went to the pharmacy to drop it off. I figured, while I'm there, I'll pick up my birth control pills.   So my prescriptions are ready, and the pharmacist starts going into this 10 minute long speech telling me about how the antibiotics are gonna affect the pills. As if him telling me all this will make me change my mind and say "Fuck it, I don't need antibiotics. I'll just have strep my whole life and end up in the hospital." All I wanted to do was go home, curl up and die. I could barely stand, let alone deal with that shit.   I wish I wouldn't have been so nice to him. Asshole made me feel so sick. Goddamn pharmacists.   
      You have to break alot of eggs to make a real mess of your ex-boyfriend's truck     
  I woke up this morning to having the theme song to the Golden Girls stuck in my head. I even pictured Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty and Betty White and the other lady dancing around in their old lady nighties.  Holy shit did that suck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I left my apartment today already a little late for work. The entire walk was a bit aggravating as my drawers kept riding up on me. Hardcore. Every once in a while, when no one was looking, I would reach up my shorts and give them a little tug, to very little success. I managed to ignore them all the way to work.  At work, as I didn't have to move much, they gave me little to no trouble. Until I went to the bathroom. Then and there all the puzzle pieces fell into place when I discovered that no fly was to be found.   I had put my drawers on backwards.  
   Artificial Intelligence 101  I used to work avidly at developing natural speech recognition for computers. Tough one, but surely not unbeatable? I gave up the day somebody asked my program to parse these two sentences: 1) Time flies like an arrow. 2) Fruit flies like an apple. Natural speech recognition for computers. Perhaps not this century...  
  The greatest invention of all time....toilet papar.  There would be a lot more work realted masscres if we still had to use corn cobs or leaves.  
  I was at a friend s house when his dog exited through the doggy door and took a dump on the front lawn. After he squeezed out a big one, he scratched the grass with his paws and then came back in and jumped up on the couch and sat next to my friend. I thought to myself, if I did that and didn t use toilet paper, and sat my bare ass on my friend s couch, he would be mad at me.   
  Describing my opinion that MS will own the desktop until Unix OSes get their install packages correct:  "Next - Next - Finish.  What's so hard about that, geeks of the world?  Next - Next - Finish."  Co-worker says, "it's like going to a party and meeting a bunch of lawyers.  Next - Next - Finish".  In that moment I made a lifelong friend.  
  Little Billy Butthead (who died of eating Okra), the Marlboro man (who choked on a cauliflower head), Popeye (who bloated and died suddenly while devouring spinach), Salli Pick (whose parents forced her to eat tomato-- and through a strange turn of events-- also gave her with tongue warts), etc., populated a little book I wrote for a fifth-grade project. It was entitled 'The Book of Vegetables', and the teacher forced me to destroy it on grounds that it was seditious, offensive, and had no place in a christian school.  I don't think I've ever done anything intentionally creative since.   
  I liked to take shits in the sinks of fast food restaurants bathrooms where you could lock the door.  I was in Subway actually shitting in the toilet for a change a woman opened the door to clean it not knowing i was in there. I guess i hadnt locked the door.  I was so embaressed because i knew i would have to walk out past the counter to exit the restaurant.  So I took a shit in the sink.  
  I wanted to steal a road sign to give to someone for his birthday.  Someone could have told me it was attached to a block of cement two feet down and weighed about 400 lbs before i tried to get it. But NOoOOoooOoo. . . .        
  ok so the movie was the big kahuna with kevin spacey and danny devito and some other guy drama plus ten the best part was when danny devitos charector a salesman is talking to this pompous and self righteous prick also a salesman  who thinks that everyone should hear about jesus cos hes all about being a big jc fan and selling the shit for work is secondary to his preaching about the lord so danny devito says whether its industrial lubricants or jesus when you start to make a pitch then you are selling something basically telling the prick that his hollierthanthou crap is crap cos hes selling his god god i wish i had said that to a few nuns back in the day they woulda bitchslapped the freckles offn me for sure       
  every morning before school i pray for bomb threats.        
  This amazingly hot woman walks over to me on the dance floor. She's so close I can feel her breath while we dance. Song ends, we both walk off towards the bar. Here's the conversation:   Her: Do you know that girl right there? (Points to a friend of mine) Me: Yup, pretty well. Her: She is so hot. Um, does she like girls? Me: I'm not sure. Why don't you ask her? Her: I'm looking for an inside edge here! Me: She's real nice, but I bet that she's a lot to handle. She's always mired in one personal catastrophe or another. Her: Hey, I don't want to date her, I just want to fuck her. Guys are for dating, women are for fucking. Me: I'm just not going to win here, am I?    
  One of life's myths:  Some girls just don't do "stuff" in bed.   No, if you make a woman feel like she's a walking goddess, the most important thing on the planet, the most attractive thing you've ever laid eyes on, if you make her feel like she controls you and rules you because you are besotted, infatuated and obsessed with her, if you make her feel as though you will never, ever be a threat to her emotionally,   ...not only will she swallow, she'll gargle. And that's just for starters.  
  By agreeing to the following I am accepting responsibility for fact that some little part of me may be more than just a  little  bit twisted.       ACCEPT   &nbsp &nbsp   DECLINE     
  Choco-crotch (n.)   The result of an unnoticeable amount of chocolate shavings from your candy bar landing in your lap and melting to create a stain that nothing will remove and no one can explain without using the word "poo".  
  "How do you explain your success?" she said, smiling. He replied, "I read every chance I get and I  was born with a grown man's penis."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  1993: I'm let loose to play with the world's fastest supercomputer. Some enormous $160 million NEC beastie.  All I'm doing is checking that our software works on it, but it is quite a rush, anyway. 1998: I want to upgrade my home computer, so I build one that is slightly faster than the NEC, for $450. Those guys who spent $160,000,000 - why were they in such a rush? Couldn't they have waited five years?  
  My wife finally "got" what the Doobie Brothers band name meant....  Man that lady cracks me up.  
  When I was a kid I saw a looney toons cartoon where this big dog is being annoyed by a little kitten.  The dog has to keep the kitten out of trouble, but the kitten gets loose and ends up in the woman of the hous's cookie dough.  The dog's afraid to do anything, because he didn't keep the kitten out of trouble and believes the little beast has been cooked into a cookie   a cat shaped cookie.  The woman of the house notices how despondent the big dog is, hands him a cat cookie. The dog is devastated and starts to weep uncontrollably cradling the cat cookie.  Anyway, turns out the cat just got stuck in the flour or something and walks up to the dog like Hamlet's ghost and nearly scares the shit out of the dog. Finally he realizes what happened and all is well.  That cartoon was on the cartoon network the other day and it still chokes me up.  It's a brilliant piece of animation.  
    Tired of skidmarks? Buy black underwear.  
  After donating or "giving" 10 bucks in the offering plate at church I sit in a mind numbing moment of self awareness. Why does the preacher live better than over half of the members of the church and better still how come he collects dividend checks monthly from the investment firm I am doing my internshipship at?   Its not the fact that I realized the corruption that bothers me, its the fact that I will be the one who is looked down apon if I snatch my money back out the offering plate and choose to buy myself a breakfest biscuit instead.  
  When I was in the 7th grade,  I thought it would be a good  idea to ride my bike through a pile of dog poo on my way to school in the morning.  When I walked into choir  practice, (my first class,) The girl behind me started  screaming.  I had dog shit up my back  and in my hair.  
    I have blonde hair. I'm not an idiot.  I'm 17 and I've had about 20 boyfriends. I'm not a slut.  I'm 5'6 and 166lbs  I'm not fat I'm built I work out for christ sakes.  I'm the only girl on my HS wrestling team. I'M NOT A DIKE!   stupid people and their idiotic generalizations.     
  My roommate and I had an unspoken masturbation standoff - for four hours neither of us left the room, hoping the other one would.  Finally I went and got a nice long dinner so he'd fucking get it over with.  If he doesn't get the hell out pretty soon, I'm going to be pretty fucking pissed.  
  The first guy I had sex with was, shall we say, anatomically gifted.  But when we were dating, I had nothing to compare him to.  So, my memories of him mostly consisted of him sucking in bed, and me bitching about how much it hurt.  A couple of years later, after I'd had more experience, I hooked up with him again.  Only then did I realize how large he was and I was seriously curious about whether or not he was bad in bed, or if my memories were distorted because I was too new to sex, there was very little foreplay, we were both virgins, and I was too nervous.  Turns out, he really did suck in bed.  No rhythm, no skill whatsoever.  Just the right equipment.  It was the most boring sexual encounter of my life.  So the moral is: size only matters if you're thing is really small- a big one can't help you much.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         between video games and bondage I dont have much time for homework        
  Driving down the same road I do every single day, today I noticed a big brick building there.  I swear I've never seen it before, I know it didn't use to be there...but there wasn't any construction going on around it, so it must have been there a while.  I think that's a good indication that maybe I should spend more of my life sober.   
  First it's green. Then it's green and black. Then it's green, black and orange. Then it's black and orange. Then it's gray and orange. Then it's gray, white and orange. Then it's just grey and white.  Then you put the pipe down and read lowbrow.com.  
  I have played a role-playing game before..... more then once.. and enjoyed it.  
  Moment of satisfaction: Initiating phone sex with the 16 year old schoolgirl prank caller.  Finding out that she lives down the street. Realizing that she knows you. Hearing that she and her friend are alone right now. Breaking a law in all fifty states twice over at the same time.  Finally enjoying your first sex sandwich...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yeah, I usually piss while driving to your apartment. It's a long drive."  "That's absolutely ridiculous. What would your parents do to you if you got in a car accident, dick in hand, pissing into a Gatorade bottle?"  "Think I'm an idiot."  "I already do."  
  So i'm sitting here reading lowbrow.  I stick my finger into my bellybutton to make sure there's no bellybutton lint in there. i pull my finger out and by reflex i smell it. Phew! its like a shitter on your belly.  
  my brothers went to a movie and they were too cheap to buy thier own popcorn, they saw this fatty bag just sitting on the counter so they grabbed it and walked in and sat down, proceded to much throughout the movie, not noticing the stray hairs they got in thier mouths occasionally. around the bottom of the bag one of them found some thing a little chewy. yeah old chewed bubble gum. they were muching on the floor sweepings of the theater. hahaha   
  Playing quarters got me a couple bloody knuckles and even a broken pinky today.  My hand was looking pretty messed up, and this girl asked me what happened, so I told her I hit a car window so I could break a suffering puppy out of a hot car.   At least I got a date.  
  Another alternative to flipping tha bird at another driver who wrongs you in some way (or just does something stupid).   Get a big, toothy, game-show-host, shit eating grin on your face and give 'em the Thumbs Up (one or both barrels as necessary).  In your head, think in all seriousness "good job there, guy".  This latter is a mental exercise to aid in the correct facial expression. [that there's called method acting folks].  9 times out of 10 I'm sure they get the sarcasm and look away in shame. The look on that 10th person's face is priceless.  They're so confused by the apparent praise and/or friendliness from a complete stranger.  
  I was in bed...about to fall asleep.  I actually got back out of bed because I remembered a lowbrow moment I had last night that I should post.    Does it get anymore lowbrow then that?    
  one day i got so high at a party, and i passed out on my sisters couch. i told her to wake me up, when her friend was back from a munchies run at 7-11 or if we were gunna smoke more, she woke me up and before i could open my eyes there was a joint in my mouth and a tube of cookie dough in my hand.   Ahh, family, cant live with em, cant live with out them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking to work...  Mission Street...  Shitty beer...  One pound can...  With a straw.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we decide to go camping with my roommate's 73 vw van, the pop-up camper kind. it's maine and it's getting towards fall and mud season but we load up -me, roommate and his girlfriend, me and my guy.   by the time we get to anywhere where we could pull over it's dark and pouring outside. find what seems to be some nice kind of clearing, nice and cozy, we pop the top up and sit down a rousing game of asshole in the bus, ignoring the fact that the only alcohol we have with us is boxed wine (red and pink)   Roommate's girlfriend looks up, goes green, starts scrabbling to get out of the cramped space in bus to go puke in the rain. We decided that was it, time for bed, everything's tossed in the front seat and the beds pulled out. Me and my guy on the bottom, roomie and girl (no longer puking) on top.  We're all in for maybe fifteen minutes when large commotion starts on top, bare legs come dangling down, followed by girlfriend wrapped only in her bloanket. My guy (hero he is) has the thought to reach out and yank the blanket off of her as she once again scrambles to get out into the pouring rain to puke. puking naked in the freezing rain. good times. guy explains she'd be sleeping in wet banket otherise.  next morning we get up to check out where we were and stuff - remember, it had already been dark when we got there. turns out we're right on some guy's front lawn, a vw bus with trash and pink puke all over the sides and on the ground around it.  got out of there very very fast.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           My rather mature for her age fifteen year old sister keeps getting crank calls from some twenty-nine year old that thinks the California Criminal Courts are his biggest worry...       
  one drunken night in the dorms i sucked a live moth off a window screen for a two dollar bet.    it really tasted pretty good.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was getting irritated with the pulsing metallic sound of wind around me. then i realized it's my lungs after smoking 2 packs of cigarettes in 6 hrs.  
  The only time I ever shoplifted was during one extremely cold winter. I had no scarf, so I went to Meijer to shop for one. The cheapest decent black scarf was $12 for a lousy piece of acrylic. What could I do? I put it on, bought some smokes, and walked out the door.        
   Have any of you ever heard of or seen the Hello Kitty vibrator??  I had thought it urban legend until I saw it for sale on a website.  It's a japan-only item, so it has to be shipped from there.  The shame is I am willing to pay over 20 bucks for the item itself, then another 20 or so to have it shipped.  
   "Choose your housemates wisely" is my advice.               I shared a summer beach house with some "acquaintances" and everyone refused to wash a dish (there was no dishwasher).               After two weeks, and a very very foul stench emanating from the kitchen, and roaches and ants crawling around the stacked dishes on the sink and countertop, the one lone responsible person (not me, and who was chef and abhored disorderliness) chucked them all (dishes, cutlery, glasses)  in the garbage. "Bravo", I said, while the other six guys  said "What the fuck did you do that for?!?"               We had to eat all of our meals out after that.       
  in highschool my friend and i left the school for lunch to grab some Taco Bell.  Having fulfilled our palates, we still had to bring back a buritto for our friend who stayed at school.  on the way back to school, i was rummaging through the glove compartment of the car, which happened to be my companion's mother's car.  i happened across a tampon.  i wasn's there to see my friend bite into the tampon string in his buritto, but i sure wish i was.  
  he asked if I drink  I said yeah with a little shrug he said good do a shot with me I said ok as we clincked shot glass with wishes of happy new year and stook the shot. onlooker says fuck yeah she drinks she didn't even ask what it was!  and you know what the thought never crossed my mind  
  Do you know how they celebrate Halloween in West Virginia?   They pump kin.        
  my friend Meg (who happens to be a Lowbrow addict) was eating dinner with me the other night when she wiped a honey packet on my arm. I told her to lick it up and when she refused I wiped it all over her face and hair. I then went to the bathroom and on the way out the door she says "get me some paper towels" so I go and wash my arm and while I'm at it I take her some paper. "wet and dry" I said as I handed her the paper towels. "aw you're the nicest guy in the world" she then proceeded to clean her face with the butt crack sweat tainted paper towels  fuck you Meg   
  I have the most boring job, so during office hours, I'm here on the brow most of the time.  Today a collegue walks by and asks: "And, is it all true what they say on the internet?" (trying to be funny)  I replied, true to the spirit of this fine conglommerate of well-mannered people:  "If you question the brow, I'm gonna have to kick your ass"  
  i used to go to a state school so i got lowbrow for free.  I failed out.   now i have to pay $40 a month to get lowbrow as fast as i used to.    i now see that it DOES in fact pay to stay in school   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I was watching a repeat of Saturday Night Live on tv and the musical act that episode was MC Hammer. It was funnier than any of the skits.    
  Man, during a beerelevnet discussion the other day, my friend told me that his mom had given him an entire book on the evils of masturbation, and even looked through the cracks in the floors and walls to see if he was beating it.  My friend is a 22 year old virgin.  
  the stretch limo -- one, two, three, four, five windows, each laced with little lights -- neared the comedy club slowly. two girls emerged from the skylight, first the frosted hair, then the kohl-smeared eyes, then the mouths, which were by this time only coated with rings of lipstick around the mouth's outer edges, then a bottle of champagne, then almost-matching black satin bustlines. the bustline of the girl on the left dipped slightly further than her friend's -- clearly, she had spent the extra cash for the push-up bra.   "1998!!!" they screamed in unison, collapsing into a fit of giggles.   the limo stopped. they descended. a beat, and then they were out of the car and on their way into the club, makeup repaired, fuzzy navels waiting.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Confused by unfamiliar items on the Chinese menu, the pair summon their waiter...  "What's the difference between Lo Mein and Chow Mein?",  he asked.  The Chinese waiters reply? "Hmmm... Not much."      
  One time I was at a beach party. It was daytime, and I was driving, so I couldn't drink, so I was just hanging around talking and looking for things to do.  There was this guy there, drinking this Bull-Max beer as fast as he could, and he was eating handfulls of vodka-soaked fruit and berries out of a glass jar of vodka.  Eventually he threw up the pinkish-purplish slimy puke on a log. People were poking at it with a stick. A little while later, I think to myself 'I'll play in the fire with a stick!' So I pick up a stick and start poking at the fire. The stick is slimy and warm.  I yell "Did you guys throw your stick down there?"  They yell "Yes!".  There's lots of laughter, and someone helpufully pours alcohol on my hand to disinfect it. I washed in the ocean over and over again. 'So dirty'.  I'd say that's pretty lowbrow.  
  There are two different types of people in this world.   1) Those who finish what they start.    
  I've seen a number of "condom broke" moments here.  I've never had one break before.  Maybe I just don't get enough... only ever been with my wife.  I did lose one once, though.  Sucker just slipped off at one point.  I guess there's a reason they tell you to withdraw immediately after ejaculation (and not go pumping for another round.)  Once they get slippery on the inside, they can go flying off.  Geeze, you women panic easily when you lose something up there.  
   ricky told me he loved me more than a friend but i said i wasnt gay he looked at me as if i meant to hurt him        
  Erin & I are out at a bar one night. This guy walks up to her and starts dancing with her, rubbing on her, like most college guys do. Then he leans over and says "Oh baby, you're just the sort of woman that gets me hot?" She, in turn, flashes her bedroom eyes & says, "Oh really?" And he whispers back, "Oh yeah, I just love thick women."  
  My first memory of high school is watching Beth from across the english classroom. I wonder if she ever learned how to cross her legs while wearing a skirt.  
  It's 5:00 a.m.  In the last 24 hours I've had my mouth on 4 different dicks.  FOUR.    And it's only Saturday.    
  Boy of interest and i are in the van on the top floor of a parking garage on campus. The making out stops quite abruptly when we notice that i car has pulled in next to us. I am completely embarassed untill i notice, that he is not just using the space to park his car. He is pissing in front of me. We have come to the conclusion that he didnt notice us, didnt care, or was somehow turned on by this...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to throw trash in Taco Bell parking lots, it's my way of keeping drug dealers off the street. Since I throw trash in the parking lot, Taco Bell has to pay some whacko money to pick up the trash. If he doens't have a job picking up trash then he's gonna end up selling drugs on the street to our kids to make money.   
  They found a guy dead in my apartment building today.  They said he drank himself to death and died in his sleep.  The only reason anyone thought about him was becasue it smelled bad in the hallway.  I hung out with him a few times.  He bought me beer before I was 21, he smoked me out a few times, we got pizza from Papa John's one time when I had a friend with me.  I haven't seen the guy in three weeks, I was really busy with school starting, and kind of avoiding trying to explain to him I couldn't drink as much as I used to.  I miss him now.  I was thinking about how he laughed.  He had a really funny nasally kind of laugh, short quick bursts.  He got mad at me one time becasue he thought I made a joke about his 12 year old daughter. His mom died 4 months ago. He got fired last Wednesday. He died over Labor Day weekend.        
  i sucked the shit out of his dick that afternoon, it was my best one yet and if my writing career goes down the tubes, i know i've got a backup.  
  Dumped by my high school girlfriend, for not one, but two guys named Chad.  
  Everyone at the bar was sitting with their elbows resting on the padded edgeof the bar.  It was a luxury, and it was as if the creators had envisionedthe comfort of the drinkers that eventually might use it.  An owners manualwas not necessary.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  she was giving me head- maybe the best ever.  "Uhhh...you wanna stick your finger up my *ass*?",  I said fearfully.  later in a  sweaty heap we relaxed.    "see, that wasnt so bad~ was it?"              
    I woke up and stumbled into the living room where everyone else that crashed at my place was already awake.    You could have lit my breath I was so hungover (although if you tried I may have hit ya)    Chuck looked at me and said " Dude do you remember grabbing my girlfriends ass?"    I looked at Jen and she was in these tight jeans and tube top looking kind of hot considering she slept in those clothes.     Me: "Are you serious? I grabber her ass?"    Chuck: "Yeah man coming back from the head you walked past her and squeezed her ass"     Shit, I really wish I remebered that.     I looked at Jen again and she grinned uncomfortably.  
  if i ever had a farm, say in idaho and i grew the potatoes. i think that my nehibors 3 miles away would complain of noise at 3 am....  
  He never should have told me that his constantly-yapping, waste-of-skin, annoying-beyond-torture dog was allergic to fish.  It was $25 worth of codfish over the fence and worth every penny when I heard him come out in the morning and step in a huge pile of dogpuke.   
  One night I felt creepy about all the porn tapes I was accumulating so I decided to get rid of a couple dozen.  I did't want to throw them in my building trash (for fear of getting caught) so I bagged them and very casually dropped them in a street trash basket on my way to the store.  When I passed by the trash basket on the way home the bag was gone. The next day I saw a local homeless guy selling the tapes on the sidewalk for $2 each. Most of them were gone.      
  I inserted it, slowly at first, then faster I thrust until it was all the way in...I quickly turned the key and the door opened...  
  i had put a lot of thought into my halloween costume. bought the black shirt, red baseball hat backwards and even trimmed my goatee so that i looked just like Fred Durst.   when i stopped at the gas station on the way to the party i passed 3 kids dressed just like me. one said "what's up?" as he passed and i said "hey". then i thought "oh shit, they don't know this is a costume."        
  Cows only eat grass, right?  And you are what you eat...therefore cows are just grass, which is sort of like a vegetable.   So if I decide to become a vegetarian, I can eat all the fuckin hamburgers I want.  Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it, PETA!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For two nights in a row I have applied my makeup ever so carefully, had an outfit sitting out, just waiting to be worn.  My hair looked great.  I was ready to roll.  No one was home.  No one wanted to do anything.    Tonight I said 'Fuck it' when I got to my lipstick.  
  I would love to have a pinpoint accurate sniper rifle, say 400 to 500 yards on a windless day.  Just as the golfer begins swing,  *Bump* nick the ball and laugh a little.        
  the only constant in life is family.   ... and asthma.  
  I had an actual email address I used when posting here, but after a series of abusive letters from jesus freaks and those peta crapheads, I let it go.  I get enough of that kind of thing at work.  
  We decided to eat mushrooms and drink exessive amounts of alcohol in las vegas.  The whole night is a fuzzy chain of lowbrow moments. I remember being physically thrown out of the Luxor. They dragged us out to the sidewalk and threw us down. I'm not sure what it is they were saying, but it was definitely bad noise. Don't fuck with the casinos.  My friend started getting weird. The drugs had gotten on top of him, and vegas was too much. Everything freaked him out. The cabs there are painted black and white, like the cop cars here.  He sees a cab and flips. Next thing we know, he's hauling ass toward our hotel. We gave chase, catching up with him near our elevator.  We all piled in and headed for our room. The kid needed to get out of public.  We were in our room regrouping when we heard a knock at the door. It was one of those authoritative, don't fuck with  me knocks. I was elected to be our representative, and I opened the door to greet hotel security.  Freaky Security Guy wanted to know what the fuck we thought we were doing running through his casino bumping into patrons. I explained that we had been drinking and had become a little too excited. We were being morons, sir. We're very sorry. Won't happen again. He either bought my story or didn't want to deal with a smartass.  The whole experience put an edge on our high. We spent the next three hours in the bar downstairs drinking beer, not saying a word, watching the carpet swim at our feet.  Viva las vegas.  
  Okay, so when I was 13/14 I was stereotypically horny, and one day I discovered that I was flexible/well-endowed enough to be able to just barely get my tongue on my wang. Hey, I was young, I was horny, I didn't care, right? If it feels good, why not do it? Well, it was a new experience, and not more than 20 seconds after I began, I began to reach climax, I started to say "oh shit" but before I could finish the first word, I came in my own mouth. And by this time, what more could I do than swallow? I was not near a sink; I couldn't spit it back out, it probably would have been too sticky anyway. Anyway, after that I think I spat, rinsed, gagged, and washed my mouth for a solid hour. I think I went through half a bottle of Listerine before I got the taste out of my mouth.  Haven't masturbated in four years.  
  Same impossibly-pretty barmaid who had so pleasantly shot me down a few minutes before:  Me: So, you must get off soon, can I at least get you high? I just got some primo new-season weed.  She: Thanks, but no.  I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to finish work and drop by here to take me home. He doesn't like me smoking weed.  Me: What does he work at, so late?  She: He's a cop.  
  My best buddy in New Hampshire claimed he was a Pagan. He always had a dog called Anubis. He had a little room in his basement with incense and statues of Egyptian gods like Osiris and so on. I always thought it was a scam so that he could smoke dope in the house with his kid there. But he was serious. Every year, he put on Beltane parties, where crowds of us unwrapped last year's Maypole and re-wrapped it. The pole broke. Not a good sign, but it also has penile connotations. He was devastated. Even though it was a great, late party, I got up early the next morning, went out into the forest, and cut him a much stronger brand-new Maypole. I erected it in place of the old one. When he got up and saw it, he hugged me and said: "Thanks - I was wondering how I had the ol' morning wood, as usual..."  
  Not my moment - Jennifer Capriati's:  She's a wide-eyed 14 year-old, being shown around Paris by Chrissie Evert.  Chris: "...and that over there is Notre Dame."  Jennifer: "Oh, they have an extension school over here?"  
  There was this guy in 8th grade, Milton. He always looked greasy and wore dirty clothes. He was stinky. He also had really bad acne. He was so used to people fucking with him that he didn't trust anyone. If you asked him to borrow a pencil he would tighen up and look at the floor. These guys brought some pine-sol to school one day, I overheard them talking about pouring it on Milton. They looked over at me and noticed I was listening. I just smiled. I was too afraid to say anything, I played along and said how funny ot would be. They poured the whole bottle over his head after class, right before lunch. Milton never told the teachers, neither did I. I'm an asshole.   
  i get invited to the strangest cathetic moments people who need to purge their emotional intestines take me along shotgun for support or giggles or to torture my poor fragged ass i havent figured out which actually anyhow one of my favorites is when a woman i loved wanted to break up with her then boyfriend took me along and the sentence that sticks is quote so you got me fucking pregnant and now i have to work off my unwanted childs delivery in a womans clinic in kentuckey so no one will know i got knocked up see you you fucking okie bastard endquote and she was gone forever period i miss you k         
  if a girl randomly asks guys if they want a blow job they will usually agree.  If a guy randomly asks girls if they want to be eaten out they will usually get slapped, ignored or arrested.  
  He storms out of the yurt as dramatically as he can, but is confounded by his inability to slam the flap behind him.  
  So, after about a year of dating, my boyfriend chooses to reveal to me that he used to be an amature wrestler.  Not like... athletic wrestling...  No. Backyard wrestling. With the costumes and the made-up names. And hitting each other in the faces with shovels and chairs and such.  He told me he was good until he was forced into retirement from getting too many concussions.  I want my virginity back, please.  
  I've decided that there should be a 'Lowbrow Jukebox', that plays random tracks while we read. Any suggestions will be welcome.  1. True - Spandau Ballet 2. Barbie Girl - Aqua 3. My heart will go on - Celine Dion 4. Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot Bikini - The Timmy Mallet version   
  I wonder how many of you copy and paste your moments to submit them over and over so that they show up with obnoxious frequency...  
  You know, as a left hander I see the world for the unfairness that it is. Everything is right handed, from driving, to games, to simple things like making dinner and using tools and the computer.   But I can masturbate while masterfully using the mouse.   I almost consider it a fair trade.  
  senior prom, we all end up at this guy's house for a "party." it was completely lame.  all i remember is trying to throw the host in his pool, with his tux on, and some guy showing everyone his dick because he was so fucking proud of its 7.25inches. raiding the bathrooms and TPing his front yard as the tried in vain to simultaneously remove the offending paper from the trees was either the high point or the low point of the night. it's all a matter of perspective.  
       Most of our actions are based on millions of years of evolution.  The reason most men want multiple women is because it helped our ancestors' chances for survival.    Now if you'll excuse me, I have to club the office boy with a large tree branch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why don't they show commercials for jello jigglers anymore? Me and my little sister used to pretend to go "wiggle crazy" after eating those things.   
  Tornado warning last night, in upstate New York (!) Never has happened, probably never will happen. But we  do  get some vicious microbursts from time to time, which can be lots of fun (and only slightly dangerous), so I settle down in my rain-tight motorhome to enjoy the weather. I tune into LowBrow, of course, but I left my glasses in the house, so I can't see a damn thing. The rain is blowing almost horizontally, so I make a quick break for the house. Halfway there, I stub my toe on something heavy, which hurts like hell. I limp into the house, grab my glasses, and run back out. I post some moments, read lots of moments, while the rain batters down and my home rocks back and forward. I just love heavy weather. Half-an-hour goes by before I notice that one foot is drying out, while the other is getting wetter. I glance down. My big toe is split  wide  open, my sandal is soaked with arterial-red blood, and there's about a half-pint of it on the carpet. I shrug and hit [reload] again. I was planning to steam-clean the carpet soon anyway...  
  saw an advertisement yesterday from an oil company (Mobile, or Shell I think) that stressed the fact that they had "FREE AIR AND WATER"!!!  HOLY CRAP, WHAT A CONCEPT!          
  she was laying on the floor of the theater.  someone said "do you KNOW what's happened to that particular piece of floor?!"  and she said yes, and told the rest of us:  "once someone threw up on it, and i had to clean it up. and right after i was done, i was so nauseated i threw up on the exact same spot. another time, a really old guy couldn't make it to the bathroom in time, and he peed his pants right here."  ugh. why would anyone writhe on that section of floor, knowing all that...  
  I have a friend online who I talk to all the time.  He's a nice, normal guy.  And then he IM's me out of the blue with a link to a website that informs me that not only do dolphins have ten to fourteen inch prehensile pensis..  ...but when they want to get frisky with a human, they have a tendency to WRAP those penisis around your ankle or wrist.  The sad part of this was that I was not so much disturbed or disgusted by this.  I was just happy to know the plural form of the word penis.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a lot of friends in high school but only had a few that I would hang out with.  One of which reguarly threatened my life and others with his car.  He once made a left turn from the right lane of a 4 laned road, cutting off the woman in the next lane severly.... don't know how we managed not to get hit.  On our way home from school he had to make a right turn into my neighborhood.  There was a woman waiting to make a left turn out of my neighborhood.  He promptly drove his car as close as possible to the front of this woman's car and stared at her for a minute (two black high school kids vs an old white lady).  Never got in trouble for that.  Not everything was his fault though.  One time while driving down a major street, the driver side door just flew completely open.  I had to sit in the back and hold the door closed as we drove to a mechanic.  And yet we are still alive.  But what gets me though is that when I finally got a car, he wouldn't race me in my neighborhood because, "I was crazy."    
  the quote was here is your prescription for resperidol and you squishee thank you come again endquote        
  I watched as he walked out in front of her, letting the door drop closed almost into her face before catching it quickly in a frantic lunge upon  remembering that they were ln fact walking together...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  "I only smoke in bars." she said deftly tapping a cigarette out of hissoft-pack.  "I feel like I need to smoke, it's part of being in a bar."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Holy crap. I just went to do laundry, and one of my mom's detergents is called "Liquid Baby Detergent" or something, but all I saw was "Liquid Baby", and I was actually sitting there contemplating how they'd go about making liquid baby before I realized that that wasn't what it said.  I think I need to lay off the weed.  
   Fun With Divorce #5  My soon-to-be-ex-wife: "Today, a student was talking about a party she went to. It was fun, she said, but she didn't even throw up!" My wife and a fellow professor riffed on for a while about how she also didn't wake up with a strange guy in her bed, until the student finally got embarrassed and left...  
  My friends and I were celebrating my 'new' car (an '87 Reliant color: pale blue).  So we grabbed a light-up Jesus from a nativity scene and hung Him out the window of the car going 70 MPH. He fell off and was susiquently run over by a car. We killed Jesus...     again.  
   I hate it when you sometimes get that oddly metallic noise when you blink your eyes.       
  Halloween and corporate America do not gel.  Halloween, day of overeating,door to door begging, pore clogging makeup and good ol' fashion American vandalism. And I say, God Bless it.  What other day do we have to glorify the ugly? On this one day out of the rest of the year, we shoot for unattractive. In the spirit of the season I came to work today with large bruises on my eyes, purple "I just rolled out of my freshly dug grave" lips and cheesy white makeup. Me, in all my powder caked glory, was the tamest of the group here at my place of employment. There were gaudy Mardi Gras queens, transvestites, whorish nuns, and a whole slew of zombies. Not to mention ,more manager cleavage than I really ever wanted to see.   Sometimes it pays not to be a team player.   Now I just have to dodge the fog machine on the way out to smoke a cigarette.  
  I thought it was a pad commercial. Turns out it was a face cleanser commercial. Guys, I give up.  
  The best uses for a knife:  To Hunt.  To Cut food  To cut through a 3 pound log that is too big to go down the toilet unless it is chopped into 4 equal sized quarters.  
  which one of us wins this round? the fact that in my drunken stupor I asked her something to the extent of 'if you were here and drunk enough to ignore the way i look, would you have pity sex with me?' or the fact that she said 'probably'?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yesterday, I came back from lunch, and there was a woman sitting on my boyfriend's motorcycle (he and I work together).    "Ahem.  Excuse me?  Are you waiting for Eric?"  She giggled a little and said,   "No, I guess I'm sitting on his bike though."  I frowned and said, "Yeah, well, he hates it when people do that."  She smiled and thanked me for telling her and moved off of the bike.  I laughed at my victory and tried not to feel guilty that I'd just schooled a 60 year old woman.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         im an exsessive pyromanic an theres one thing i dont get, if realities so great why isnt there a fire exit?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After seeing the movie Dogma numerous times, some co-workers and I were discussing Beer and buddy jesus..(from the movie) then my friend had this hella cool idea ...make a beer called "jebus" and at the bottom of every bottle, would be a little plastic figurine of Buddy Jesus..."so you could find Jesus at the bottom of every bottle of beer"!!      Then to expand on the idea..I suggested.. "god lite" -- Getting your soul saved..with half of the calories!...     Fucked up thing is....this idea was coming from aethist's and me..the pagan..     Fuck... i need a life..   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't EVER just order water at a fancy restaurant.    We servers have to sell a certain average of money outside your entrees.    EVERYONE who orders water gets a big squirt of my saliva, at no extra charge.  
  yesterday i was in the laundry room, waiting for a dryer to open up.  somebody else comes in and takes her clothes out of a dryer, and announces that the other 3 have been taken for about 2 hours now.  i figure whoever it is has had enough time to get their shit, so i take mysterious girl's clothes out of the 3 dryers and put mine in.  but then i felt bad about it, so i spent the next 45 minutes or so folding and organizing, immaculately, the clothes of somebody i will never meet, wearing only a bathrobe and a beanie.  somewhere in my dorm, on my floor, somebody is thinking "what creep folded all my underwear last night?"  and i've got willpower, let me tell you.  i didn't steal a single ONE of her panties.  
  A couple of friends and I were watching/heckling a porno tonight.  During one scene, I said, "Hey, watch the cat and listen to the movie."  It's important that I describe the cat here.  Norman is the one of the most gigantic cats in the world.  He's almost a tiger.  He would be gigantic even if he weren't as catastrophically fat as he is.  He has udders.  He's also got huge, sharp claws and fangs, and he could beat the gray out of a rhinoceros.  At least, we assume he could.  Rhinos are tough to find, especially if you're trying to organize a fight with one.    When Norman is just lazing his fat ass around the apartment, however, he's just a massive, round pile of useless lard.  Anyway, he was sitting there looking fat on a fluffy arabian-looking pillow, licking his front paw rhythmically ,while the chick in the porno is moaning "Oh yeah... Oh baby... Feels so good..."  and the like.  We all watched/laughed at this for the next minute or two.  It was almost perfectly timed.  I'd say he averaged about a lick per moan.  Totally classic, and I thought of y'all immediately.  
  My girlfriend and I were watching TV one night. On the TV a nature documentary about wolf pups was playing and the narrator was talking about the hardships of being life in the wild.   "Even though there is plentiful food, finding a teat for the smaller pups is no easy feat" and it showed some small pups trying to suckle.   At that moment I suddenly became aware of what I was doing to my girlfriend, which mirrored the activity on the television.    
  Once my dad copper-plated a live roach using a homemade electrolysis setup.  Chemists + boredom = something dies  
  There's a nice girl that sits beside me in philosophy. Today I noticed that her nails were beautifully manicured. I couldn't help but wonder what they would feel like down my pants.  
  one of my despondent and angular rebellions is to wear t-shirts that have logos and phrases that have absolutely nothing to do with who i am  and i never buy a t-shirt that does reflect the real me  i wonder who it is, i am rebelling against  now everything has changed  low brow sells t-shirts  
  The girl at the next desk has a picture of Tupak Shakur on her wall. It appears she's moved it several times, creating new pinholes to his head each time. Apparently she does not detect the visual irony.   
  i had a dream that kevin smith (clerks,mallrats,chasing amy,dogma,jay and silent bob strike back) stumbled upon this site and proceeded to make a movie out of the best moments. it won every award there was.  
  The poor boy was drooling and had grits running down his chin as we sat in the Waffle House at 2 in the morning.    His words slurred as he tryed to tell me how much he loved eating grits and I really needed to try them.  Obviously he was drunk, so I did the most logical thing I could think of.  I told him if he gave me some money I would buy grits and try them out for myself.  So he pulls out his wallet and opens it.  There I pull out a ten and a five dollar bill and thank him graciously.         
  the best time i've ever had with my buddies was when we drank till we puked, the most beautiful incident occured when my buddy puked in his hands he held like a cup underneath his mouth and then stroke through his long hair.  Puke the best hair conditioner.  
       i used to work in a retirement home, i held the "activities"  basically my job was to force old people to go play kick ball or basketball or have some coffee and reminisce  when all they really wanted to do was sit in their room and look out their window and wait for their day  by far the most depressing job i've ever had   
  I don't give money to homeless people on the street, who just ask for money.  I mean, I have to work for my money, so why shouldnt they.  Play guitar, sing a song, dance a jig, I don't care.  Just don't sit there on your ass and ask me for money.  thats what 7 year olds do.   Last night some homeless guy came up to me, told me he was running for mayor, and proceeded to do a freestyle rap about me and my friend sitting on a pick-up truck.  Now that was worth the 56 cents I gave him  
  its been a few years so  were in the bagel in chestnut hill its gone now but man that place had great breakfasts and after a night of social debauchery we do the massive order thing the place is packed one by one we use the facilities which had a long line of patrons waiting for their turn whilst one was on line the waitress walks up and says you guys cant stay if your gonna make a mess like your friend wheres c is the question she points toward the glass vestibule which is wallpapered in his innerds i follow the postchewed gazpacho patches to c who hands on his head has the ashen look of too much fun        
  Overheard conversation at a party:  Woman: "Yeah, when he first met me he said you must be an artist!" (looking at guy to provide backup for flattering anecdote)  Man: (with disinterested flat tone) "I said I you must be autistic."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day my posse and I were chilling out in some garage smoking some pot.  Only one of us has any real kind of smoking device, and she didn't have it with her, so we were being ghetto and smoking out of a Pepsi can.  We decided we should make a commercial for Pepsi to send them.  It would be a big fat Jamaican man in a grass skirt taking a big hit off a Pepsi can and saying something really inane and wacky.  It was a lot funnier at the time than it is in retrospect.  We haven't made it yet.    
  I often use hair conditioner as a lubricant while jerking off in the shower (sure, laugh it up. like I'm the only guy that ever does it).  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to use shampoo.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got an arrest warrant in the mail for speeding on a motorcycle and having no license... so I went down to the courthouse and told them I never rode a motorcycle and the guy must have gave my name. they showed me a photo of the suspect. "Do you recognize this person?"  I said "Sorry."  It was my asshole brother. Dumb cops couldn't even see the family resemblance?  
  it is very hard for me to get kindbud.  easy to get crackrock but hard to get the kind.  i live two lives..  when i dont have it i jog, write, read literature, hang out at coffee shops, bookstores and other fauxintellectual parade grounds.  i have washboard abs.  when i do have kb i sit alone in the dark and play videogames all night while eating peanutbutter from a spoon.  i avoid eye contact at all costs.  
  I get the food out of the refridgerator and start walking towards my room as I catch my father's eye at the top of the stairs. I know I'm not supposed to have food in my room, but he lets it slide often enough. He attempts to make me look away with a glint in his eye by staring directly into mine, then tries to play it off with a cutesy comment ("Snack time eh?") when he loses.  Prick.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just read something that seemed to me the epitome of the lowbrow lifestyle.  "throw on some Jimmy Buffet, grill up a steak, blend some margarita, pop in 'girls gone wild: ultimiate spring break vol.17' and simply imagine you are on some trashy south texas beach" that is what my life is like now. damn.   
  You know how they say you regret the things you didn't do more than you regret the things you did?  She came up to me at a party, drunk and happy, and said, "You know, you're different than you were before," in a voice filled with liquid smoke, and eyes lit by candlelight, leaning close to me so I could see straight down her shirt.  Woopie.  Her desire was obvious, as was her desperation, to come on to an old fart like me.  Yeah, I wanted her, but something set off the klaxons and I walked away.  Four months later, it was a friend of mine who knocked her up and now has to pay child support for twenty years.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I get pissed that I was too young for all that trashy, coke-sniffin', leotard-wearin', big-hair-jizzin'-in sex during the '80s.  
  After going to Walgreen's with the sole purpose of buying a pair of aviator sunglasses, and then putting them on and buying a case of Coors Light at the gas station across the street, I came to the realization that I am the guy that used to creep me out as a kid.  
  I was driving home one night from a stoning, giving two of my friends lifts home on the way back. Still with eyes of blazing crimson.  I dropped the first off, as she lived close to Dr. Stoff's place. All conversation died at this point. I looked back and my other friend was lying on the back seat with her eyes closed (though apparently not asleep).  It was about 10 minutes to get home from there. I reached the lights where I should've gone straight to drop her off and instead turned right, went home, got out of the car, walked up to my room coded for a while, jerked off, coded some more... big assignment due the next day.  That's right. I stoned her out of the car. I forgot entirely that I was supposed to be dropping her off.  Apparently she thought I was stopping in to pick something up, and didn't feel like saying anything. She then wandered the streets for the next 2 or 3 hours before finding my house and yelling at me some.  Later I remembered there was a faint rustling outside while I was jerking off.  Time to hide in my room for a few weeks >_   
  ryebread took the ten one hitters that were stacked up, but not inhaled, in the 4 foot bong. northern california (humbolt co) sense with itty purple hairs to boot. the inhale to clear the clear plastic graffix was enormous and the slight gulp of air afterward to "get it all down in there" as he put it, was tiny (no room). face reddening at an alarming rate, he exhaled, calmly with a slight shudder. seconds later, a cough that would ruin his voice for hours -- the hairball hacking cough-- followed, sounding like an asthmatic sealion in heat. through watery eyes and a shit eating grin he stammered, moments later: my ears feel like they're melting and my smile feels like both sides meet behind my head. success! the room took numbers to see who could do eleven. (only 2 actually could). the fog settled in and the sunlight rays made beams across the room. all was right with the world. we listened to augusta '78 "cold rain and snow". --springfield gardens, 1984        
  ok, last night i finally got a vcr. i watched porn like a movie, begining to end. i actually came from just my hand second time in my entire 19 years. i can't wait to go upstairs now and watch porn and masterbate all night.  
  See, I always wear this long black coat unless it's too hot.  Lately I've been considering getting a pet rat or snake to put inside and really scare the hell out of people.  It would be more fun if I lived in a big city.        
  The first time I ever threw up in public:  In a cool little bar, we're shooting some stick. A few pitchers on top of the rancid mixed drink we had on our walk (Mountain Dew, vodka, cheap whisky)I'm not feeling so hot. I go to the bathroom. After a few minutes I vomit out nothing but the salad I had eaten earlier.   I pushed it out of my eusophogas like a dry, green turd, shaped exactly like my gullet. From that day forward I was thankfull that we poop out our asses and not out our mouths.  
  My gene pool is the the shallow one with green water in it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm in a bar called Fat Harry's in New Orleans working it with an incredibly hot chick. We have already agreed to a date and exchange of phone numbers and it's near 3 am and we are really clicking.  All of sudden, my stomach turns and I have to take a major dump. I head to the bathroom and the men's bathroom door doesn't lock and all there is is a can w/ yak, and toilet paper and piss all over the place.  I decide to hold it.  I go back to the chick and say let's get out of here. Too distracted to make an advance I put her in a cab and send her home. I live about five blocks from the bar, I walk home. All of sudden I just have to go. I turn down a side street and dump in somebody's front yard in the darkness.  I go home and clean my self and pass out.  Next afternoon, the chick calls me and says let's go out tonight. During the evening she says how impressed she was that I didn't make a move last night. We go back to her place and screw for five days straight.  That was the luckiest dump I ever took.  
   there are very few rules of society that will actually restrain a person at wits end laws morals ethics and common practice do little for the father of a disabled girl when he finds out a twenty year old neighborhood brat raped his daughter when he plots the kids murder is there anyone who can honestly say that there isnt a certain amount of justification bang daddy goes to jail vindication and justice are two very different things although they smell the same sometimes       
  One night we're drunk and he asks me how many men I've slept with.  "13"  "Wait, when we got married, you said 11."  "Oh."  I told him I was just guessing anyway.  
  God is love. love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Stevie Wonder plays the piano.  Therefore, God plays the piano.  
  If I ever have to 'cool myself down', meaning get rid if my erection, or if I am ever tempted to proceed without wrapping my Johnson, I just recall the STD test I got where they actually stuck a swab inside my penis. Wear a jimmy. Wear a jimmy. Wear a jimmy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm sitting in the living room sucking on nitrous bulbs like there's no tomorrow, coming in and out of reality as each one wears off.  The soap opera on the teev sounds like the voice of God.  Housemate: "Mind if I have one?"  Me:  "Not likely.  I want to go through all three boxes non stop.  You want some, get your own.  The Super C's just around the corner."  Two bulbs later I know something's wrong.  I come back to reality long enough to realise I've thrown up the ice cream I had before starting all down my shirt.  Now that's Instant Karma.  
  Me and my roommate were on top of the baseball cage enjoying a case of Koenig Ludwig.  It's the beer with opiates in it, it gets you more drunk then other beers.  He bought some jade-cigs and was enjoying those too.  Both of us being engineers in college, we have nothing better to do but try to figure out ways of sticking murder, death, and distruction onto the local community.  We arn't paying this much money for college and beer for the joy of the almost homoerotic experiance of looking the other way while one of us pees off the top of this baseball cage.  He says that he has some brake fluid in a 2 litre bottle of coke and wants to use some chlorine cakes with it.  Not quite understanding what he was getting at, I just let him fall off the batting cage and run back to the porsche.  10 minutes go by, I'm on the last of my three beers out of the pack, when I hear, "It doesn't work!" from somewhere out in the field.  I can't see him in the darkness.    He had just about gotten back to the cage, staggering from his vodka shots before we came out here, when the loudest bang I had ever heard set off the car alarms in the parking lot.  We got the hell out of there before the angry-green cloud closed over the cage.  Driving drunk home, we bobbed and weaved in traffic.  The local cops didn't care.  He missed gears left and right and was enjoying every minute of destroying a $2000 gearbox, rich asshole.  I was convinced we were going to die from the gas, but now I was more convinced we were going to die from his driving.  He made it home though.  He opened the door, slipped on some ice, and fell down.  I thought he was done, but yet again he rose up and laughed it off.    Having cheated death so many times, I wasn't the least bit suprised when he tripped going up the stairs to the apartment and chipped his front tooth.  Somehow, it was anticlimactic compared to the dangers of that night.  But then it was my turn to drive the porsche to the hospital...  
  Back in the days when 6 guys lived in one large house...  The 6th roommate didn't actually have a room, rather, due to his extreme 'frugality' (who am I kidding this guy was the cheapest bastard I have ever known) rented a sofa to sleep on for 75 bucks a month plus 1/6th of the utilities.  This guy was so cheap that he would invariable order 2 bean burritos from Taco Bell (back when they were 79 cents) and steal a soda by reusing an old cup.  But, this is where his gifts had the chance to shine.  Being an enterprising cheap bastard, he realized that getting a cup was not always so easy, so he took to keeping spares in his car.  And eventually not just for Taco Bell, but for every fast food place he ever went to.  He even had the special holiday cups for Halloween or Xmas.  The stack of cups for all these places was easily 2 feet long.  Every couple of weeks he would perform maintenence and weed out old cups that were either worn out or made obsolete after the promotion was over.  This person is a folk hero and legend to everyone that hears of his exploits in the realm of saving some cash.    
  "Nachos. I want nachos." The voice reverberated in Brent's head as he fumbled around the fridge for ingredients.  "Reverberation. I want reverberation." The ingredients fumbled in Brent's head as he voiced around nachos for the fridge.     
  "When Bugs Bunny dressed up like a girl," Garth asked Wayne, up on the screen, "Did you ever think he was, like, kinda sexy?"  And then it hit me.  Bugs Bunny was *shit hot*.  After that, there was no going back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one of the email addys ive noticed on here (not because of any real quality to his posts, just noticed it) is bagofrats@aol.com  and im sure its supposed to be Bag Of Rats, but it always looks like Bag O Frats to me....  
  My mom has this plaque hanging in our kitchen that says(and I quote), "Snowmen fall from heaven disassembled"  I die a little every time I go into the kitchen.  
   "It was nice sharing this ride with you" he said before disembarking, though we hadn't spoken through the crush of commuters.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  In New Orleans the cab drivers actually talk to you. One recommended we visit the aquarium, he claimed it was the biggest and best in the world. He also told us they gave him and his family free tickets.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  She was riding him for all she was worth. He noticed a smell, did she fart? He hadn't. The smell got stronger and stronger. He asked her, "Do you smell something?" She turned around, looked behind her and replied "Opps".      
  One time, I was sitting in a movie theater in NYC with a couple of friends, and they were showing those ad slides before the trailers, and one of them had a couple of women on it, sort of half-embracing. It was an ad for a dental clinic or something, but the ad looked weird to me... sort of homoerotic, like the ad agency thought that would help sell teeth whitenings and whatnot.  So I yell out, "Lesbians!"  And then, since quantity is funny, I added, "Thousands of lesbians!"  And then, so that people wouldn't think I had a problem with lesbianism, I added, "...leading otherwise normal lives."  It all adds up to a pretty fucking weird thing to say during movie ad slides.  
   One side of my family comes from corn country in Ohio, I love 'em but many of them still are rednecks. These are the same cousins I've mentioned in a bunch of other moments for the lowbrow regulars out there. Anyway, about five years ago, my one cousin(about 15 at the time) is argueing with his younger brother (11) about whether or not their BB gun was loaded. Decides to prove it isn't by putting it to his little brother's head and firing. Predictable result, the little cousin still has that BB stuck in his skull all these years later.  
  I work in the East Bay, just south of San Francisco. We have some rabid Raider fans here. One of the things I like to do for fun is purposely say something that confuses the Raiders with the 49er's and wait. When they go to correct me, as they *always* do, I always giggle and say, oh I always confuse them.   Then I gleefully watch them foam at the mouth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was about 7, my neighbor called me over to her front yard. 'check this out!!  this mud is so soft!' i sniff the air suspiciously and look at the other neighbors' dog as she rubs the 'soft mud' on her cheek. 'lindsay?  i think your soft mud is poop.'  
  I'm going to the bathroom in a bar one night and I see:      Real eyes      Realize      Real lies I think it's kind of a neat little play on words, or whatever you call it.  But then I'm hanging out the next night at a different bar and encounter the same little message on the bathroom stall.  I can't help but wonder whose passion it is to spread this enlightenment to all girls who urinate in bar bathrooms.    Is it the same type of people that write lowbrow moments?   Hell, I've equipped myself with a pen so that I, too, may take up the cause.   
  To intimidate my smart-ass boyfriend I told him my Dad was hung like a horse.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         december 26th 2002  the day after christmas    ~ * ~   lowbrow set up: i haven't lived with my father since 7th or 8th grade. because i'm smart and got out quick. i hardly see the man, only on holidays - like christmas  the beginning: so i got to his house to exchange presents. i open mine. money and a cute little white and silver teddy bear. being the chick that i am - i think it's adorable. when i notice that it has a "try me" sticker. i press it, nothin happens. the blasted thing needs batteries. i put some in and press the "Try me" heart sticker once more. and the damn thing plays a christmas tune and  moves     ~ * ~   the lowbrow    my father's reaction: holy shit that thing moves? what in fucking hell... no wonder that fucking bear cost so damned much, christ... didn't know it could do that  ~ r   
  I just got treated like shit by an asshole and then I realized I lost my wallet- and it's only 8:30AM   
  looking down from his bar stool a the two young turks, the elderly genelman spoke.  'I know what you mean.  The other day, I ment to say "Honey, could you pass me the jam?", when instead I yelled "You f***ing b***h!  You're sucking the life blood outta me!"'.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  My friend Mike is into this band called Ween and was trying to get me into it too.  I told him I didn't like the singer's voice.  Which is partly true... I didn't tell him that the singer sounded exactly like one of the truck-driving shit-kicking child-molesting freaks that had fucked my ex-girlfriend.  
      My boyfriend went out flocking with my 2 best friends. They started making decisions about the flocking without me. It's my flock damnit.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was hanging out with my sisters, getting drunk. Went home from the night with a 20 oz coke bottle containing Bacardi and Coke. Drank about half of it then put it on my bedside table.  When I woke up the next morning, hungover and dehydrated, I grabbed the first drink I saw. Took a big gulp and then my brain registered the taste.  Talk about hair of the dog. I think I fell out of bed.   
   Lowbrow.com: the site you go to before and after you masturbate to Internet porn.   
  i have bitten a slug in half for $20, eaten raw sausage for an undetermined sum and jumped in the hudson river in november for $25, where i sat on a big rock while fisherman playfully casted their lures at me. i still have a scar from the rocks.  
  Well well well:  "A girl e-mailed me and said she saw my moment here and thinks she's in love with me.   Depending on which of the several dozen moments I've spooged onto this thing, she must be   crazy,   desperate,   or perfect.                     snikrepkire@hotmail"   I too got an email form a girl who said that based on my moments she thinks she's in love with me.  I'll bet you a toothbrush its the same girl.  Hardcore.  A lowbrow groupie.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Me and Timmy driving in west Jersey at 2 am just for kicks, summer after senior year. He goes to turn into a big parking lot, looking for another road. "Tim, you've just turned into a marijuana cigarette". I don't know why he's laughing, then it hits me. Damn Sublime song, damn exhaust fumes.         
  My ex roommate moved in with me because his mom kicked him out. I had another roommate. When Ex and I wanted to have sex with out the other guy knowing, we told him we wanted milkshakes from Jack In The Box. We would go to the elementary school and have sex on the kindergarten lunch tables, buy the milkshakes, then go home, telling my other roomie that the shake machine at one was broken so we had to go to another. I don't thnk he bought it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         hey ben, were having yor grammas left over chilli for dinner.oh, you mean that horrible v8, water and pinto beans mixed? fucking salt gramma! SALT!  
  My bf can get me off 99% of the time. He does everything perfectly; amazingly.   He may quite possibly be the second greatest lover in the world.  He's not the first greatest, though, because once, when I praised him of his talents after a particularly mindblowing romp, saying 'Babe, you must not even have to try.',  he looked at me with stunny green eyes, lightly kissed my lips, and said 'Do or do not, there is no try.'     I guess not all Star Wars Nerds are created equal. Thank God.   
  when i was in college in my late teen years, i was a music student.  so, i needed to spend hours at a time in the music listening room at the library.  once during a marathon study/listening session one weekend, i got up to go to the bathroom right next to the listening room.  when i finished peeing and was leaving, i noticed two things:  1) due to an accidental placement of the overhead lighting, anyone masturbating in one of the stalls would cast an unmistakable "shadow of action" on the floor for all too see; and  2) someone was currently masturbating in said tragically-lit stall.  i smirked and thought "busted!' as i walked out of the bathroom.  and i never beat off in there again.  
  8:34am on an Atlanta MARTA bus heading northbound on Peachtree:  an old lady looks around, picks a booger out of her nose, proceeds to eat it.   breakfast never tasted so good.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Jack, they're looking for you at the shop. Your break ended thirty minutes ago."  Steam comes out of the sewers in this city. I like that.  "Conrad is gonna go apeshit on you if you don't get your ass off of this bench and down the street and back in there soon."  The sidewalk sparkles, too, like there's little specks of glass all in it. Maybe there are. I don't know much about concrete.  "I'm telling you, that son-of-a-bitch is gonna fire you."  I like sitting here on this bench and thinking about the alligators in the sewers.  "Are you even listening?"  Does the steam bother the alligators?  "Jack?"  Maybe if I could make it hotter, and therefore steamier, they'd come out and eat all the people I don't like.  "Jack?"  "Yeah?"  "Are you listening to me?"  "No. Can I borrow your lighter?"  "What for? You need to get back to work. You've been on break for an hour and a half."  "I need to start a really big fire."  "What?"  "For the alligators."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to texas once on vacation.  Being a California boy I expected some coyboy like activity. On my first night there I was invited to go cow tipping and then to a kegger.  If I went could not smoke my clove cigarettes. I ended up at your basic off freeway country bar instead.  I proceded to get stoned while my father sung "Everybody Must Get Stoned" on karoake. It was new years.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The husband and I are looking at new apartments, and when we get out of the car, the neighborhood is oddly familiar. Then I remember- his best friend lives in this building, with the wife and kids that I despise. Husband is all chatty with plans for me to have her as a new best friend, to babysit, etc. I gag silently. Then I take the rental agent aside and quietly ask if a bankruptcy last month will count against us.  We move to a nice place the next county over, a twenty minute drive from his best friend.   
  The taste of salsa and chocolate milk is an aquired one. Aquired by those with balls just big enough and brains just small enough.  
  this happened:  i was bragging to my roomate that i had seen a small handfull of my posts in the last few months.  he scoffed.  so for the next few hours everytime i found one of mine i left it open in its own window.  i think i had five total.  all different.  i showed him.  check.  he chuckled.  i took a shower.  just before i got out he stuck his head in to say he was taking off.  toweling off i saw i had been trumped:  he had left me seventeen windows of sorry e e's.    all different.  checkmate.  
  Josh...  If you are going to IM me and bore me to death about the size of your penis... I have to say one thing:  It's spelled "Humongous" not "Humungus".    Ya know. I didn't even care that he was being pervy. It was his spelling that bothered me the most... Wow, Lowbrow is so desensitzing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was a little kid i used to take everything apart - screws, engines, bits of plastic: everywhere. that's how it stayed - i could never get them back together again.  good thing i didn't end up a doctor.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was about to step into the park when I was nearly knocked over by a fellow wearing nothing but a soiled pair of tighty whitey's.  He showed me his can and soaked rag and gestured that I should join him.  "It'sss Glooood." he moaned and proceeded to stumble around in the street as cars blared horns at him. I went home and watched T.V. instead. Three's Company was on. Man I love Don Knotts.        
  I figured out how to make a pocket pussy...  depends on if you actually want to try this or not...  You need: KY Jelly 1 Condom A big square of Foam Rubber 1 Knife. 1 Clothespin (the old style, no metal springs) 1 metal washer about 1/2" wider then your cock one marble.  Take the square of foam rubber, hopefully it's a bit longer then your cock, (and wider as well) and use the knife to cut a slit in it from one end to the other (lengthwise) Unroll the condom all the way Put the marble in the condom, all the way to teh end (or the little "reservoir tip") Thread the marble and the end of the condom through the slit in the foam rubber Wrap the open end of the condom around the washer, so that it can not follow the marble through the slit in the foam (make sure the condom is still "open") Use the clothespin to secure the marble so it can not go back through the foam rubber (this holds the condom secure)  There ya go!  Lube it up with the KY and you're all set.  HAVE FUN!   
  The office girls had just enjoyed a "Girls' Night Out" at a local strip club that also has nude male dancers upstairs.  As the show ended, the giggling, horny women poured from the sweaty room, still marveling loudly at the "size" and "virility" of the dancers thay had just spent an hour ogling.  A group of them passed the stage where my girlfriend danced for a group of sedate, well behaved men.  "Slut," one of the office girls whispered, while casting a nasty glance.        
  "I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying." He said with a shrug.  
  Fat hawaiian-type chick sits in front of me on the bus, and her nasty long bushy ratnest of hair keeps blowing back in my face. I get more and more grossed out as the seconds drag by. So I take out my nail scissors from my purse and start snipping off strands that get close enough. Pretty soon I'm hacking off entire chunks, seeing as she had the bad judgement to fall asleep.  I probably started a new fashion.  The old lady across the aisle just sat and watched, giggling to herself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My cat's litter box sits in the corner next to my computer. What bothers me is I am beginning to associate the smell of cat shit with naked women.  
  all of the emails started out ..."so i have this fantasy." well in this particular fantasy, she was sitting by the edge of the pool, fingering her asshole, while he sat in the pool and watched her. I guess the openings in between the slats of pool lounge chairs are good for something.   
  My father in the adjoining room blasts MAD TV. It compells me to anger. I contemplate his murder. I smile. Then I frown, as the television again blasts that filth into my auditory mechanisms. He turns it off, and climbs the stares. I return to Lowbrow, in peace.  
  if there's one thing i like, it's definitely not alien ant farm.  
  Been joking about this for a long time, but tonight I finally did it:  Wendy's has a Tripple Quarter Pounder Sandwich...3/4 of a pound of meat and I have been telling ppl that if I ever saw a Quadruple-Quarter-Pounder I would buy it just on principle. (yes that translates as One Pound of meat.)  So tonight I just figured I could ask them to modify an existing burger for me. Aparently they alredy had such a request anticipated - only $00.89 to add another Patty to a burger!  Got fries and a drink to go with it.  I am Stuffed.  
  I was in a party that night. There was this beautiful young angel sitting besides me. After a few beers and other suspicious solutions, I realised that my hand had suddenly (and unwillingly) slipped over her delicate shoulder. When she realised, she stared at me and said...  "What the hell are you doing?"  We are still together today.  
  I'd like to replenish in a humility and opalesence during my pre-combat main phase.  In response to that I'll double- accumulated knowledge. In reponse to that I'll Tim you for 1 and activate the reparations.  Okay everyone go that?  Time to resolve the stack.   And people wonder why I stopped playing magic for 2 years.  If you don't know. . .don't ask.  
  i had an aunt that used to tell me that masturbation would make me go blind.  she /was/ blind  i masturbated in front of her so many times.. it was kinda hard talking and whacking at the same time, but it /IS/ quite possible.  
  One day I got the bright idea of sticking a lamp down my pants.  The idea was to walk around while telling ladies to "follow the light."  Everything was going along smoothly until I felt my cobbles getting rather warm.  I glanced down and see wisps of smoke rising from the crotch of my pants.  It seems that I (being the genius that I am) forgot that the words "flamable" and "inflamable" meant the same thing.  Needless to say, I promptly removed the lamp from my pants and replaced it with a bag of ice.    What a close one... I'll never foget the day I almost set my balls on fire.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day I walked into the gift shop in the museum that I work at, right as one of the shop girls was telling some of my co-workers about her new boyfriend. "He buys me all sorts of naughty things," she said "like edible underwear that you can eat." "What other kind of edible underwear is there?"  I asked.   She looked at me confused and said "well...the regular kind that you can't eat" and then she laughed at me because she thought I was stupid. I laughed because I was happy my parents didn't send me to public school.  
  I normally wear underwear. The one time I decide to go commando because I'm in a hurry, I bend over and hear a loud rip. Now everyone at work knows exactly what the crack of my ass looks like.  
  she was best known in school for giving the best blowjobs...i was the only one who knew she was also the best at eating out.   
  Walking to the bus, almost late, doing a lot of things at that time: tying shoelaces, finishing breakfast and smoking a cigarette.  I had to sneeze but could not be bothered to grab a tissue. Later I realised the snot had fell on my cigarette.  I smoked it.  
  Black Helicopters.  (Micro)Organic.  Data recorders placed beneath the left thumbnail.  Buzzing?  Help.  
  I am studying for a PhD.  In three years I will be called Dr Whaley.  On the first day of my PhD course I sat in some dog-shit.  I went home and put on a new pair of jeans and told no-one.       
  One particularly nice thing about being adult and employed - as opposed to young and more or less broke - is that I don't have to smoke resin any more.  In fact when I clean my bowl and bong stem, I just throw it away...  ... and then, months later, find myself looking at the black goop on the bottom of my trashcan wondering if it's worth risking it.  
  /* What's humiliating about that moment is the fact that I posted it honestly thinking it to be profound */  
  Damn you, cruel.com Damn you for addicting me to this.  My brow sinks as  I submit to this  In addition to lowbrow.com, I am also addicted to telling off my friends when drunk. I feel kind of guilty about calling Sara a slut thirty something times, but I'm glad it got me out of my system.  One down, several to go.  Soon it will be just you and me, lowbrow.com  
   Vital Statistics  I take my boy to an ice-hockey lesson. He's all enthusiastic, and tells the cute girl behind the counter that he's 6. Me: "She doesn't need to know your age. Besides, she's much too old for you: she's 19." Girl looks really stunned: "How do you know that?" Me: "That's not all I know. Step back and turn all the way around." She obliges, girlflesh candy that she is. Me: "You are 5' 6", your bust is 34", your waist 22", and your hips are also 34." I'm about to also tell her what her inside leg measurement is (35") but some guy who must have thought she was his suddenly gets in my face. Behind him, she is just blushing and beaming. I ignore him and tell her: "I used to be a tailor. I'd love to measure you for a suit sometime." So just what is he going to do? He's a stupid 19 year-old, and I'm an  insane fighting Scottish maniac!  Nothing comes of it, of course. She's only nineteen.  
  The 4 of us were coming home from the movies, and i was sitting in the back. Just off the freeway is a field, so it smelled like cow shit in the car. Andrea, in the passenger seat, pulls out body spray and begins to spritz it all over the car. Without thinking, she tells Jen, the driver (who was attempting to exit the freeway), to close her eyes and then proceeds to spray her in the face.   
  Being of hispanic descent, I have a family member that has  Actually, been on cops . Yes, I know. this is sad. The lowbrow part? He was huffing paint. When stopped by the officer, he was asked "hey buddy, you been huffing paint?". then he retorts(he had gold paint all over his face and shirt), "no, no officer I would NEVER do that". The officer inquires as to where he got the paint on his face from. Again, some weird logic overtook him, and he decided to come clean, "I was. But not now.".   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A young blonde lady in my speech class... probably not the best looker, but I like the way she seems to have a secret, seems self-confident... and it's all about that weird half-smile.  I wonder if it's like a stroke thing?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was a perfect date.  He was so handsome in his khaki pants and penny loafers, I wore the pretty yellow sundress, he packed a gourmet picnic, we walked through the zoo hand in hand gazing lovingly into each others eyes.  The big male baboon pressed his ass up to the glass and took the biggest shit I had ever seen.  I stood there laughing so hard I couldn't stop, actually thought my heart was going to break through my chest.  All my date could do was stare at me in shocked amazment, embarrassed by the attention I was drawing, standing there holding my pee at bay, lauging till tears fell from my eyes.  He never asked me out again. Teach me to date some uppity yuppy fuck who doesn't find baboon glass shit funny.  
  I'm on my friend's computer while I'm waiting for her to get out of the shower.  Mostly perusing Lowbrow, downloading a couple mp3s, and checking email.    Something for MusicMatch jukebox just popped up, so I clicked it in order to end the interruption to the moment I was reading.  It just finished downloading and now it's asking me if I'd like to pay using debit or mastercard.  But it certainly looks spiffy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm at my buddy's house party, it's the day after. He and a couple other people come back, myself and another dude stayed and got stoned. Pete goes to have a shower, and James sits next to me. We comment on how Pete is supposed to be showering, but we don't hear anything. I guess that he's whacking off. We laugh and argue whether he is or not, and we hear the shower start. A minute later, James turns and says "who fucking stinks? who farted?". After about ten seconds, I laugh. We just realized what Pete was doing all along, that motherfucker.  
  anal sex is great except for the poo that gets on your schlong. plus, if you fall asleep right after, you'll wake up with "shit-dick".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So we're sitting in Tobin's Pizza at ISU eating a shrimp pizza.  My friend and his girl friend, and he's relating a lowbrow moment of his involving extinguishing a valentines fire with his pants. Anyway I thought this was hillarous and laughed so hard I fell of my chair twice laughing at him.  I sat up trying to regain my composure when I started laughing hard again I couldn't breath, this triggered a cough which lead to me feeling this gagging sensation in my throat.  I'm thinking oh shit I'm gonna throw up. So I jump up and bolt for the bathroom coughing again getting a little bit in my mouth.  I see a guy going into the one person Mens Room and I look at him like "please don't close that door" but he does.  Leaving me standing there thinking.. "ok.. ok.. I can hold it.. " . . . "fuck no I can't" so I bolt into the Womens Room.  It's empty, and the lights are out, but I don't have time for lights right now so going from memory of what I saw from the light coming in from the door when I ran in, I aim for the toilet and throw up hard, like out my nose and eyes shit.. ok, just the nose and mouth but still.  Then I find the light switch and lock the door and try to clean myself up and, well... the places I missed the toilet.  Then I come back out and my friends are laughing almost as hard as I was.  So I sit down and say, "Remember the time we went to Tobins and I laughed so hard I puked?" I was kinda hoping I could get them to laugh that hard so they would puke too.   But that didn't work so we headed out to the car and got in and my friend looks in his rear view mirror at me and starts laughing, which makes me laugh, which makes his girl friend laugh, and then I'm laughing hard and I cough again.. Oh shit.. So I open the door and lean out and puke the rest of the contents of my stomach onto the parking lot which only makes my friends laugh at me more.   I get home trying to get the taste out of my mouth and blow my nose to get rid of the burn.  There is nothing like blowing chunks of shrimp out of your nose, or for the next half hour hacking up bits of phlem covered shrimp...  Oh what a night.  
  ...was riding BART (local light-rail) home at some ungodly early hour, after another long night of insobriety.  badly hung-over, bleary vision, just want to curl up and die.  not-too-attractive girl sitting a few rows down from me, staring at me.  unnervingly, unblinkingly, staring.  me, in the temperment that i am in, focus on her with my one good eye, and demand to know what the fuck she's looking at.  i notice the white cane a split-second before she says "nothing", and puts her head down.  i had thought i couldn't feel worse.  i was wrong.  and i didn't even have the decency or nerve to apologise.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 17  I was drunk  I was visiting michigan state  I used a stick with gum at the end of it to snatch a random roll of film out of the dropbox.  Unfortunately, it wasnt some guys naked girlfriend....they were photographers photos from their cheap wedding.    Now im 24 and that couple is probably divorced...and never got to see their wedding photos.  I'll bet that photogrpaher got in lots of trouble  
  She likes it doggy-style because the motion directly stimulates her clit, and I penetrate her more deeply.  I like it doggy-style because I can fantasize about the cute Russian co-op I work with.  We both like it doggy-style because it's a hell of a lot easier than putting the TV on the ceiling.  
  my friend asked to borrow my chapstick. ok. so i hand it to her and she puts it on. the i look at her, and she has a big, festering cold sore in the corner of her mouth. and now i gotta get some new chapstick.  
  "Mike said it was all about having someone above you saying 'Good Job'"  "Funny, I always thought it was all about having someone on top of you saying 'Good Job'"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         drain all the liquid off your ramen noodles and stir in a little bit of peanut butter and hot sauce lowbrow thai food  
  you can smoke riddalin.  but i wouldnt advise doing it.  
  At a party with by far some of the worst gas known to man, eventually decided to call it quits and get in the car.  On the way home my bladder is about to burst so I pull into one this historic park thing on the way home (Dingle Tower) pull off the road and proceed to have one of those near religious experience urinations standing in the dewey bushes beside my car.  That's when the urge to fart came.. now when I say fart I honestly believed my body meant fart, and not the most hideous torrent of diareha I've had in ages. Off come the pants and the boxers in the wet now rancid smelling bushes, using whats left of the clean boxers for cleaning duty.  As for the car road home.. head out window.. ass not touching seat.. managed to make it home never having to take it out of third (which would've involved shifting my body back into the poo territory of my pants).   Those were my lucky boxers too...  
  I wokeup next to my girlfriend of five years past, no clothes on either of us, I couldn't move, I was stuck to the bed, turns out she clawed my back until it was a bloody mess.  I wore my sheet to work today and nobody said anything.  I am going home and showering as soon as I can get out of my work chair.  
  The phone rings. "Hi! It's Amanda!" I rack my brain ... jeesus! Amanda from the BrewPub! Italian Amanda of the skinny bod, sharp wit, flashing eyes, cascades of raven hair ... basically,  Amanda Of The Many Fantasies . Me, controlling myself: "Wow, this is a surprise! Whassup?" Amanda: "I just haven't seen you in a long time, and I miss your witty sense of humor. Would you like to come over?" Holy fuck this can not be happening. Nothing like this ever happens to me - I'm a miserable monk, these days. Me: "Eh -- what happened to Sean? Is he still stalking you?" Amanda: "No - we're back together, but, eh ... he's gone this week, and I'm just bored."  (Oh God: You think having me over will make you feel less bored? I'll bore all the way through you, you dark beauty!)  Sean of the 76 tattoos. Sean of the prison-shaven head. Sean of the cute pink electronic ankle bracelet. Sean of the scary stalking techniques. Sean of: "If I ever see you with another guy, I'll fucking kill him!" Amanda of the open invitation. Amanda of the body to curl up and die for. Amanda breathing on the other end of the phone... Me: "Thanks, luv, but I'm not feeling so good this week. How about next week, when Sean is back?"  
  Everyone always said my sister looked like a perch and that never really bothered me.  She had sunken craters for cheeks and a pointy chin that was tight and cruel.  Yet here most perch-like qualities were those of a high, oval forehead and excruciatingly puckered lips.  My parents always would say, "There is certainly something fishy about this girl."  But wasn't that the question?    
  English class, 9th grade:  my friend says "Hey, I saw a used condom in the stairway on the east end of the school."  We are early for class and it's just me, my friend, and the teacher in the room.  I said "How could you tell it was used?"  The teacher laughed, my friend stared at me and then the bell rang and the classroom filled up.  
  if i had a cell phone...  i would pay someone to call me repeatedly in class..  while it was on vibrate..  and i'd keep the phone between my legs.  although it might need some modification, to vibrate more rigorously..the thought is intriguing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After reading all these posts about people finding exgirlfriends doing porn online, I felt rather disappointed I'd never found anyone I know. Then I considered all the people I'd known, and began looking on AmIALoser and HowUglyAmI and such. Much better odds.  
  burning clutches of new cars loaned to boyfirends who dont know how to drive stick daddy daddy it wont go         
  Next time you're in Sam's Club, get on the computers on display.  If you're savy enough, change the password options to require a password upon booting up, and a password to unlock the screen saver. Choose goobledygook for a password.  Change the screen saver to 3D text or Marque. Have the text say stuff like:   Consumerism sucks   Buy more, think less   Boycot Microsoft, use UNIX   You are all going to die  And so on...  How many Sam's Club patrons do you think are capable of password recovery?  
  The Day I Gave Up Drinking (For Good): The sun bleared through the window shades.  I lift my head up to turn over, and feel moistness on the back of my head.  I turned and looked.  Ugh. My head was resting in a puddle of vomit. Right next to my naked girlfriend.   And a naked guy who's name I couldn't recall (and still can't).  And a large two-headed dildo. And a video camera.   A video camera that's tape had been ejected and was missing. And still is.   
  I always knew there was something wrong with that Carls Jr.  I heard stories about how some employees sell crack out of the back of the place, and it was always dirty.  But my thoughts were assured when "they" arrested a manager in the middle of the day for having a pound of pot in her car.  My mom calls the joint (no pun intended) "Crack in the Box"  
  I know that catalog. They have a store in West Hollywood. I used to buy all my underwear from them.   I was at a charity event in a very conservative part of California. After a bit I ran into the hottest couple in the place. She was a soap opera star and he has her date. I started the conversation with, "Hey, I have that shirt in three different colors! Did you buy yours from the store or from the catalogue? Don t you just love it?"   They avoided me for the rest of the night.   Thanks, Tyger. I now know that he was gay. He thought I was coming on to him. And, most interesting of all, that she was probably a lesbian and had a gay friend escort her so that it would remain a secret.  =-=-=-=-=-  I was flipping thru a mail-order clothing catalog that apparently makes it's money marketing undies to gay men.   And it made me wonder, just how many different varieties of thong underwear does the world actually need?    - tyger@engorge.org  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Not just any square dance, either. It was in Ashokan, NY, and the bandleader was the fiddler Jay Unger, who did the music for the PBS "Civil War" series. The theme tune to the whole series was his "Ashokan Farewell."  They put on a Halloween concert, with the band all dressed up as Arabs. One of the fiddlers looked like he had a 36" erection under his robe. Halfway through the night, he pulled his robe back to show that he was actually riding a little horse. Jay Unger took the mic: "Ah, that explains why the girls all sound like they got a little ho(a)rse."  
  So I'm flying to Ketchikan, Alaska from San Diego, that consists of a 3.5 hour flight from SD to Seattle, and a 1.75 hour hop to ketchikan. The first flight is grand.  A little bit of kid noise, but nothing to warrent child abuse.  I ate a big pot impregnated gingerbread man before boarding the plane, and was blessed with a few hours of solid shuteye, and didn't have to deal with much of the flight.  So far, so good.  The second flight was another story.  I had met with a friend in Seattle, and was a bit late getting back to the gate.  Apparently it was "Harass guys with backpacks day", because while I stood in line for a half hour, I watch 20 women go through the security with purses big enough to smuggle midgets. While my shit's being torn apart, she's waltzing through. So anyway, I get onboard after most everyone else has already boarded.  I sit down and accross the aisle from me is some navy dude. I nod hello accordingly.  To his left I see a 3 year old boy standing on his seat excercising his vocal abilities... by screaming at the top of his lungs.  After five minutes of this bullshit, his mother comes back.  This child should die.  I sleep.  I awake.  I smell... I smell shit.  I look to my left, and she has him by the ankles and is wiping his shit-covered ass.  In the seat.  Everyone within 10 feet is gagging. Two questions- #1:  HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE BE SO GODDAMN INCOSIDERATE?! #2:  Why are people, generally speaking, pussies?  We all smelled it, we all felt the same about it, but NOBODY said a word.  I felt good when he got airsick and puked in her face. I felt even better when she tripped while she was carrying him up the jetway. Two birds with one stone bitch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm a Scout leader in my home town (big whoop, so what I'm a samaritan). Anyways, this little punk from another group was pissing me off.  He was sitting on the ground so I walked up to him and stepped on his foot. Keeping my foot on his I said "Listen you little shit. Can the fucking attitude".  He tried to stand up. I pushed him to the ground. He tried again, so I pushed him again... so the saga continues until I feel he is finally humiliated in front of all his little cronies.  Am I a bad Scout Leader?  
  I have a pretty nice penis.  Just a tiny bit bigger than average.  I'm good in the girth department.  but the most important thing is I'm good with it.  In a discussion with my hearts desire one day, she said she has dated too many pornstars hung like donkeys who can fuck for 6 hours to really appreciate it.  What a world.   
  The man who is behind the concept of Lowbrow is an artist.  And he deserves a free blowjob, too.    
  Working for Barnes & Noble, pretty much getting away with slacking off all the time.  The head manager is entertained by me, so I can do no wrong, but it also means I won't get promoted ever (oh well).  Anyway an assistant takes a dislike towards me, and as this bitch does the scheduling I end up working 3 days a week, 3:30 to midnight Thursday thru Saturday.  Prime partying hours in this college town.   So I counter by taking vodka to work and stealing orange juice from the cafe to mix drinks with.  By 10:30 Im shitfaced and slurring while ringing up customers.  Then there was the day I was faced with 2 opposing needs.  I could not stand the thought of going into work that day, but at the same time I desperately needed money for rent.  A compromise presented itself when I realized I had a bit less than half an eighth of mushrooms...  I'm surprised my drawer was only 5 bucks off that day.    
  friends don't let friends do drugs....  .......alone.  
  so i read about munging on here  you know  the one bout what you do to the body of a women who has been dead for 2 days?  well now half the people at my school are talking about it  the same is the deal with goatse.cx  i dunno why, but it angers me when i hear them talking about it   its like they arent worthy of even knowing about these things  i hate school  
  Non-Verbal Communication Rules.   Went to a party, I had just eaten **and** figered my gf on the way there, so I didn't really get a chance to clean up my face or hands. Fortunately, for me, they had dried off in time and I wasn't expecting to touch anything on the way to the facilities. Upon opening the door, fellow lowbrower Scott (the guy who introduced me) Proceeds to raise his hand to give me a high five. On impulse, I put my hand down low and he grabs it. I just looked at him, and by the changing expression on his face, I knew my message had come across. It was so priceless.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Owner of the brewpub gets back from a golf vacation, and is pleasantly bragging about how he shot six rounds in two days.  Me: "So what - I can shoot thirty rounds a second."  
  I was standing around with some of the hics that lived down the road from me. One of their really large, semi-retarded older brothers came down and turned to take a piss over the embankment.  It had just rained, so the bank was kind of slippery. He slipped fell flat on his back, but continued to piss straight up in the air like a fountain cascading back onto him. He bellowed mighty curses but didn't stop. When we had finished laughing our asses off, one of them told me it wasn't the first time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time this guy came over who obviously had no idea how to start the foreplay that leads up to sex.  So we were just sitting on the couch and all of a sudden he goes, "WOW, I sure am hot...I better take these pants off."  Yes, I'm serious.  I have to give him points for creativity, but damn...guys that line WON'T get you ass.   Even for me...that's just a little too easy.  
   Penis Envy? Take 2   My three older sisters (and my mom) called it:   Barney The Bashful Bullfrog   and they had a gigglefest whenever it appeared.  Only consolation is that now when I see that annoying purple dinosaur, I can say:  "Barney, you're a prick."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lying on sand caked carpet in the middle of your mother's living room in an apartment on the beach-  Your penis inbetween my legs, dangerously close to my vagina, kissing kiss' that taste exactly how they did three years ago. And what do you do?  Decide to tell me, right then, right now- "I'm gay Amber" Actually, I am sort of relieved..even though I am madly in love with you, have been since I first met you three years ago.  "Thank GAWD" I say, you didn't think that I could have sex with my best friend did you? And then what do I do?- In a drunken moment two weeks later- I have sex with your older brother, calling him by your name-  * * * on my friends little sisters' bed.  
  "Being good at being stupid doesn't count." She said, oblivious to the tears welling up in his eyes. 3 1/2 years later and he still hates my Mom.  
  Entering the coffee shop.  I got up to the double glass doors and could see that the foyer was full of people waiting to be seated. They were just standing there, staring ahead, not aware of their surroundings, backs to the double glass doors, making it difficult for anyone else to enter.  I was going to enter, and turn to the right so I could sit at the counter, which was just about empty, but would have to worm my way through the sheep to do so. As I put my hand on the door handle to pull it open a girl who was leaving came barging through the crowd.  Now, if I had continued to enter the coffee shop we would have run right into each other, and the crowd waiting to be seated as well.  I pulled the door open so that she could exit, and I could then enter. She says to me "You don't have to do that-I'm liberated!" as she strode confidently through the door which I held open.  I was stunned, by the time she got ten feet away I thought of what to say to her, so I called to her-"hey, I have something to tell you!"  "oh I can't talk-my friends are waiting" she calls back over her shoulder. It ruined my whole day. What I wanted to say: Hey-my mother worked her whole life as a professional-that is, she had a real career-as well as raising 3 kids with her husband.  Her sister also worked as a professional, and was handicapped as well. My mother's mother was also a professional-so you can imagine that this wasn't so common in the earlier part of the century. Here's the deal-you aren't liberated, you've just traded one dogma for another.  I didn't open the door for you because of what you have between your legs.  I did it because we would have run into each other-and I didn't want to do that. I you weren't so stupid, if you could actually be aware of your surroundings, you could have been able to figure that out. You'll never be liberated until you get a brain in your head!   
  I went to church today for my friend's graduation (she goes to a Christian Church) and the speaker was talking about how Jesus never worried about whether or not he could summon food for 5000 followers (or however many there were).  This I can't believe.  Maybe Jesus wasn't worried there, but damn, the guy was HUMAN.  He worried about the same shit we do.  And maybe he didn't worry about summoning food, but I'm sure there was SOMETHING that worried him.  You can't live life, even if you are the SON OF GOD, and not worry about SOMETHING.  He went on to say that the Apostle's did exciting things with their lives, and didn't become couch potatoes.  Like every waking moment of their lives was dedicated to doing SOMETHING.  It's my god-given right to be a lazy, channel-flipping moron if I feel like it, its called free will and I'll damn well practice it.    If there was TV back then, I'll bet at least 1/4 of the apostles would have taken a break to watch the Tyson/Lewis fight on Pay Per View before spreading the word.  And they probably would have convinced Jesus to sway the fight in their direction.  "Hey Jesus, Lewis goes down in the 2nd.  Tyson wins by knock out.  I'll give you half my winnings."  I know if I was Jesus, that's what I would do.  
  5 windows on the taskbar. left to right;  *winamp, playing shoplifted elvis costello for the past three hours.  *email-in-progress, squirming myself out of a news years eve visit from a girl willing to fly the length of the country to see me, believing that i am her best friend.  *lowbrow, where for the past week i've spent more nighttime than i have spent in my bed.  *goodvibes.com, sex-toy vendor, where I am shopping for christmas presents on the clearance page.  *last, and most shameful, aol.  
  Went in for a vasectomy the other day 3kids and no need now for sperm,besides he wife hates the taste of it. Lying there legs up feeling very uncomfortable the anesthetist- female- said i'm just going to give you a small cocktail of drugs in  a needle. I looked and couldn't help asking ' this isn't one of them date rape things is it?  The male orderly laughed she didn't but when i woke 20 minutes later man my ass was sore, not my balls.. go figure!  
  Once I went to a fishing store and bought about a hundered live crickets.  I took the paper bag and put it in my lunch box, when I got to work I emptied all the crickets out in a area no one was at.  About an hour later they were all over the place.  One guy found a crack in the wall and though that was where they came through.  The next day some repairmen came out and patched it up.  hehehe  
  Being...   30 years old Freshly single  Overweight Balding Hairy body Unemployed for the last 2 years College drop out With chronic bad breath No sexual stamina Completely broke & greatly in debt & Suffering from chronic depression  ...is Lowbrow enough....  thank you very much.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He was wearing black knee-high boots, shorts that hit below the knee, a camp shirt and a grey tee under that.  Short blonde hair, round glasses, round face.  He was way too into foreign films.  So why was the instructor saying 'Yes, ma'am,' whenever he raised his hand to speak?  Because his name is Laura, and looks can be way too decieving for me to handle sometimes.        
  Yea so ok I know Michael Jackson is a total freak, but I heard from a friend some of his older songs were worth listening too. I never really did before so I was like .."okay"  Well later on that day I pulled up my play list, loaded up some songs and at the same time started looking at porn. You know what comes next, and after I blew my load I realized I had been listening to "Beat It" the whole time.  Ironic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Holy SHIT, am I tired!" I moaned as I stretched at work one day. I didn't realize just how loud I moaned that until I looked around the small office and saw everyone staring at me.         
  The perfect co-ed friendship: Him:  virgin Me:  nympho Situation: live in dorm rooms next door to each other but always sleep in the same room constantly in our underwear but what do we do in said underwear? play hacky sack. or, rather, he throws the hacky sack at me and i miss it.  everytime.  for a good half an hour.  standing in my panties and my bra. not once has he tried to get in my pants. i love it.  is it possible to have had so many sexual encounters in your life that the moments that don't involve sex are the most orgasmic?  
  The other night I went to a kooky new bar in town. It's called "The Tube." It's maybe forty feet long by ten feet wide, and it is, quite literally, a tube. The silver walls are curved on the side and the chairs are clear plastic. The barstools are cups so they barely hold your ass in them (a menace while you're drunk) and the hallway to the bathroom has a camera in it. The t.v.s at the end show you getting larger as you walk towards the screens. There's a DJ in the front, spinning records. But all of this isn't cool enough to warrant paying $3 for a Miller High Life.  
  When you chastise a kid for picking his nose and eating the boogers, try not to do the same.  
  Ok so this is low and not exactly dinner conversation: Jiggly (Puff) is a great guy, the kinda dude you'd trust your life with and not hafta worry about getting fucked when your're outta his sight. But the thought of him losing his bowel control and blowing his anal contents all over a shrub if full view of ANYONE else, kinda makes me question who the hell I feel is trustworthy.        
  "Two Red Dog Talls," the man said, fishing in his front pocket for a few crumpled dollar bills. The grocer plunged his hands into the ice, taking out two tall, perspiring cans and placing them both in one brown paper bag. The bag bulged awkwardly. Money and beer were exchanged, and the man ran off to fetch his train.  "Ha-nesssss," the grocer yelled, scanning the front of the store.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I've been crossing my eyes a lot and referring to myself as "Bernie Mac" when I do.  Have you seen his show? It's become such a habit that my g/f is threatening to cut me off sexually if I do it any more.  
  it's all fun and games until someone gets peed on        
  And there he was, drunk in all his stupor.   I had never seen him before tonight, he had knocked on my door and said, "Excooth me thir, but could you pleashe give me push?"  I didn't really feel like assisting a drunk man in his attempts at driving, but it was late and I wanted to get rid of him quick. So, I said, "Sure. Give me a minute while I put some shoes on and I will be right out."  He smiled and turned away. I returned a minute later and walked to the street where I saw not a soul. A called out to the man, "Hello?"   He returned my call from the backyard. Strange I thought, maybe he was puking. I turned the corner of my house and there he was, smiling in anticipation, sitting on the swing set...  
  When I worked for a vet I had my male and female cat fixed. I brought the uterus and testicals home in formadahyde and placed them on the windowsill of my diningroom. On one evening we had a guest who asked what they were. He could not finish his dinner. I thought this was odd.  
  this past summer i was sitting at my desk in my bedroom when i noticed this big ass mother fucking bug on the wall.    i hit the bug with a shoe.  repeatedly.  it promptly fell off the wall and disappeared.  knowing that i was a rationally thinking, intelligent human being, and this was a mere stupid bug, i took the only logical next step.  i slept on the den couch.  stupid mother fucking bug.  wasn't about to let it take out it's bug revenge on me.    ha ha, i sure showed that bug who was boss.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to think the words to the Bruce Cockburn song "If I had a Rocket Launcher" were "If I had a Moroccan Lawn Chair".  
   Meeting Ithaca Women Through The Personals #7   We arranged to meet in the post office lobby.  For dramatic fun, I told her I would be wearing black pants, a black leather jacket, a black fedora, and a silver snake earring in my right ear.  She walked in, glanced around at the other ten people there.   When she finally came to the conclusion that I was, indeed, the only one fitting the description, she slowly walked all the way around me to check that I also had a silver snake earring in my right ear.  I married that one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Knead mold Knead and add a little twist... What do you have???  Some loser trying to make bread outta my Tits!!!         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my dad is a huge pot head. before i got all my drug-related appliances from him, i'd buy dirt weed, and use a can-piece.   then i found his weed..papers..lighters..bags..bongs..ect. but i found his piece one day. so i swiped it. (thank you daddy, works great!)   then about a week later, my buddy dave and i were gettin a ride home from him. he stopped at a store, so we quickly searched his truck for more fun things. we found a can-piece. i felt kinda bad...making my dad smoke from a can...but he can always buy a new piece.  the next week, i get home from work. hes on the phone..maybe making a drug deal. i over hear him talking while counting my bazooka-joe comics for a free shirt. he claims that 'hes looked everywhere for it, and that he thinks hes going out of his mind.' im sorry dad. although im so glad im going to grow uo to be like you.  ..hes not gettign it back. he needs to find better hiding places...and not the kitchen counter.  
  tomcat071: hey samantharr: biznitch tomcat071: what? samantharr: you heard me tomcat071: what is a biznitch? samantharr: a bitch tomcat071: well, same to you tomcat071: you fuznucking baznastard  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't eat at 'Waffle House' restaurants...ever.  This is my father's story.  They were out early working and stopped in at a Waffle House in rural South Carolina.  The cook was obviously still drunk from the night before.   They were watching him weave slowly back and forth over the griddle when suddenly he vomits right onto the hot surface.  Time stopped.  They all watched in horror as the vomit started to cook up and solidify. The cook, unphased, takes his spatula and professionally folds up the vomit omelette and deposits it in the trash.  They decided to find a McDonalds instead.       
  I dyed my hair for years with the $7.99 boxes of Clairol...but I could never wait the recommended three months in between, because I would get impatient to dye it again.  Lately, I hit upon the perfect solution--I bought a 32-oz bottle of hydrogen peroxide at the supermarket for forty-nine cents, and I comb a little through my hair every day.  I'll probably save at least fifty bucks a year that way, although my pillowcases have started to have bleached spots in the shape of my head...  
  my most recent friday night:      -went to a keg party where the keg's were Heniken and Amstel light (you never see that in college)           -got really really drunk       -got kicked out of the drinking game i was playing for cheating (cause im a smooth drunk)       -realized i was hungry so i searched the house until i found 2 hot pockets in the downstairs freezer       -then i burnt the shit out of my tongue but i didnt care cause they tasted so damn good at the time  
  "Don't swallow your gum," they told me when I was little. "You can't digest it. It will stay in your stomach for years!"  As if I didn't know before, I know now that that's a bunch of bullshit. There's nothing quite as frustrating as standing in the shower trying to pick the pack of Wrigley's Extra Peppermint you swallowed yesterday out of your asshair. On the bright side, the peppermint sorta tingles.  
  friends dont let friends own "jefferson starship belt buckles"   
  everybody should have lowbrow in their favorites, so if they need to, they can access it quickly using only one hand  
  during her last monthly visitor, my sister decided to try a feminine product called "instead" (or something like that).  apparently it's some sort of rubber cup that goes in and holds the blood.  similar to a diaphragm i'm guessing. anyways, from what she tells me, there's a right way and a wrong way to insert them. she found out exactly what the wrong way was when she went out to smoke a cigarette during her break one day, only to have blood spill out from under her skirt. not a drip drip drip mind you. a fucking torrent.  
  I hate my friends.  I avoid their phone calls.  I get online and click the same goddammed button on the same goddammed website (any guesses, kids?) seven million times so that my phone line is busy and they can't call me.  I make hissy noises into my phone and then hang up so that they think they got disconnected.  The rest of the time I screen my calls.  I act hurt when they don't call me for a couple weeks.  I'm a dick.  
  There used to be a great jazz band in Ithaca called "Peggy Haines and the New Orleans Jass Band." Great time. She and I got to be friends. She told me about a costume party she played at, "Come As Thou Art," where you had to go dressed up as a work of art. People dressed up as the farmer with his pitchfork and stern wife, or "The Haywain," or Mona Lisa and so on. Peggy went on stage with a normal dress, but with a blue wig on, and the hair rolled up tight in about fifty blue tampons. People asked her all night what she represented, but she wouldn't tell them, until she did her last song. "By the way, if anybody is still wondering what I came as, I represent Picasso's Blue Period..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You read all about the run-ins people have with poop on this site.  "I pooped while screwing this hot bitch..."  OR the classic...  "I meant to fart but instead i shit all over myself."  My poop encounter...  I thought i had a wedgie so i make sure no is around reach under the pants and on top of the boxers and try to work things out manually. I get a hold of the irritation, but its no wedgie...no, its a dime size chunk of poop caught in the tangles of my ass hair. Horror, shock, and curiosity just to name a few of the many states that well up in my head.   Now its lowbrow enough to talk about one's ass hair and poop caught in the tanlges of it but i think i took it to the next next level when i went to bathroom and pulled that son of bitch out with my bare hands...and yeah, i smelled it too.   
  You have an SUV, great.  Now fucking drive it like one.  It will NOT fall apart if you go more than 5 miles over the limit.  It will NOT fall apart if you "accidently" use your blinker once and a while.    You live in the suburbs, Jonny and Suzie goto soccer and you goto the Pick and Save once and a while.  You don't need a vehicle you can tote a dead Moose around in, and can drive over 15 foot embankments when it's -43 degrees out.  While you're at it, Hang up the phone.   
  when I first heard about ER, the tv show, I thought it was a show about people who stutter.  
  connecticut is a frightening place.  small theatre college on the coast. me and a rag-tag group of friends visiting a buddy for his birthday. we show up late, just us and our drugs, his booze, no place to stay in the middle of frigging connecticut. some professor (really) gave all ten of us the key to his office so we could crash in there, us and our mushrooms and tequila.  five in the morning i find myself curled with my friend between two desks and some sound equipment in some huge dark office with exactly 30 minutes to catch some shut eye before having to drive four hundred miles north to be on time for work the next day.  what kind of professor thinks its okay for a bunch of kids obviously out of there gourds the keys to an office building with tons of expensive equipment in it in the middle of the night?  connecticut. the most underrated spot in the us for ludicrous fun.  i dont go there anymore if i can help it.  
  We were on a combined vacation and trip to see my parents. When we got to my parents' house, my mom picked up our suitcase and took it into the guestroom. When she came back to the living room, she said that our travel alarm was going off. My wife and I looked at each other. We didn't own a travel alarm.  So, off we headed to the bedroom to see what mom was talking about.  And when we opened the suitcase, there was our 9", double "C" cell, Made in Taiwan, vibrator just avibrating away.  "Thanks, mom. Yeah, you were right. It was our travel alarm."  I'll never know if mom looked in the suitcase first.        
  I knew a girl in high school, who got into a accident. She ended up killing two old people and totaling her car, a week before prom.  At the after prom party she won a brand new car.  Moral of the story, KILL AS MANY OLD PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE.  P.S. How could you not look at a girl changing her undies in your car.  
  The single least-known (yet self=evident, once mentioned) fact about male sexuality is this:  Ejaculation does not equal orgasm.  It's probably not possible to have orgasm without ejaculation.  But ejaculating without orgasm is commonplace.  Sometimes, I feel nothing at all.  So, the next time your woman is bitching about "how come  you're  allowed to have an orgasm every time..."  Spread the word.  
  After seeing the breast exam instructions for women at the doctor's office, I wonder how many women out there start with the intention of examining their breasts, and end masturbating.  
  They asked me to put on some Tool, so I strode purposefully to the stereo and put some CD's in thinking how hot this was going to be.  Turning around I realized that I wouldn't be joining them.  Although I have done the whole three way thing before, I wonder what I might have done differently that time to make it happen.    On the other hand I did get to watch my girlfriend go down on another chick.   
  it was bad enough hearing his description of his "soapy" shit that smelled exactly like taco bell  but did he have to make me go into the bathroom and smell it, just to prove that it did smell like taco bell  ive never looked at the meat in my chalupa the same since  
  She fucking said it to me again. "Get your shit together so I can date you". I told her to relax, slow down and then maybee I'd date her too.   
  I've discovered that sex is much better if you fell like you have to shit.   I know this is a lowbrow moment just waiting to happen.  
  Don't tell me smoking is not addicting...  All out of smokes, got no money, what to do? So I go to the bathroom to masturbate, to get my mind off of nicotine. As I do my thing I spot a Marlboro butt in the kitty litter....  It tasted like piss...   
  in high school. parents away for the week. home all alone.  i go to burger king, get back home, am pulling in my driveway, see a dark huddled figure walking towards my car.  now, the city i live in is pretty fucking shitty. so my first thought is, "fuck, i'm gonna get shot."  turns out it's pretty cute freshman from nearby UNC. she'd been out selling magazine subscriptions in my neighborhood, got lost from the rest of her group, and was in my driveway wanting to use my phone.  we go in my house. small talk. i tell her my parents are out of town. she gets a wicked smile and after more small talk asks if i wanna go upstairs and just "kick it for a while."  i look at my bag of rapidly cooling fast food and reply, "no, but tell you what, i'll give you a ride to south square and you can catch TTA back to campus."  it's five years later and trust me, i'm still kicking myself violently in the ass.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's 4am again, and I'm bleary-eyed, plotting how to avoid sleep and how I shall waste the many hours that separate me from tomorrow.  My skills at avoiding the inevitable are unparalled.  God, I wish I was drunk.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  Go to altavista.com and type something insane in. Towards the bottom of the return page, you'll see some auto-generated sentences that turn out to be a fucking pisser. For example, typing in "assmeat" returns   Extend Your Search: Comparison shop for assmeat    Find assmeat at eBay! Register now! Search for assmeat in your local yellow pages     typing in "dead bugs" returns   Comparison shop for dead bugs    Find dead bugs at eBay! Register now! Search for dead bugs in your local yellow pages     and (one more) typing in "a writhing mass of tentacles" gives you   Comparison shop for a writhing mass of tentacles    Find a writhing mass of tentacles at eBay! Register now! Search for a writhing mass of tentacles in your local yellow pages    What a country! Thank you, Altavista!  
  I arrived on a scene of a man with severe abdominable pains.  He was laying on the floor blood covering the backside of his pants.  I asked for paramedics before they arrived I was asking him normal questions, one was what hurts.  He said it was his ass.  I said well...did you put anything up it and he said yes.  I asked ...What.  he said a vibrating cellphone.  I tried not to laugh but, damn a vibrating cell phone.  He said he tried to pull it out with vise grips and thats when the bleeding started.  When the paramedics arrived i was on the floor laughing at this poor fellow.   I almost got fired.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Which is more terrifying?  An iguana with human hands that crawls across your chest during that period between asleep and awake?  Or eating sahimi out of Barbara Bush's bush?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "God Loves Guns.  So Should You"  THIS, hanging from a redneck's nipple ring.    
  I am tired of all these women with there emotions holding there feelings out for all us guys to see as they try to shame us into loving them with there fake lips and hair extentions and those god awful cutoff pants that go up half way there socker mom "PC" aditudes thinking that just because thay drive SUVs and mini-vans there lives are complete just because there husbands can get a free pack of batteries from the Radio Shack i work at.    If you know me pity me otherwise send me some e-mail  
  Have you ever questioned someone's sobriety and they consistantly tell you they're fine? The best is when they get up from the chair they have been sitting in for 2 hours and fall flat on their face. Alcohol is truely a gift to us.  
  my girlfriend does not understand why i read this site... simple, same reason i snag her younger sister's YM as soon as it comes in and zoom in on the embarrassing period story of the month.    that stuff doesnt sustain me like it used to. ym was a gateway mag to lowbrow.  
  Andy and I are sitting in McDonalds one night, and in walk a bunch of "teen youth groupers"  I turn to Andy and loudly enough, say:  Me:"Hey Andy, know whats better then jesus?"  Andy:"What?"  Me:"Pagans and Paganism"  Andy:"And the devil"  i think they heard us.  
  When I was sixteen, I was at the park with some friends.  It was after midnight, and they were rolling joints.  I took some lawn clippings and rolled them and tricked this girl into smoking them.  I pointed at her and laughed.  Heartily.  A few minutes later, my friend refused drink his beer.  Other friends called him a wuss.  I took the opportunity to seize the beverage for myself and drink it, just as said girl's boyfriend had planned.  He had pissed in it.  
  For those of you who live in sunny South Africa... Next time you're in Durban, head over to Rectron in Springfield park, and drive around that area. Very close to Rectron is a government storage facility, looking very fancy complete with gate, guard and interesting silos behind.  But the best bit is the name, printed in solemn white letters on a blue background:  Weed Storage Facility  
  My mom was a teacher in the same junior high I went too. Sometimes I would ride home with her. One day we are heading home and out of nowhere she asks me if I smoke pot.  I said,"do you want the truth or do you want a lie??"  She said she just wanted to know what it was like and that some of the other teachers (she gave me names) had tried it.  I gave her my best description of being high and left things at that....  For years to come I tried to get her to check it out, but she said she,"didn't feel a need too."  
  I had printed out thirty or so high quality lowbrow's and I was passing them out around my math class.  The girl next to me taps me. "What are those?"  "Lowbrows."  "Can I see some?" she asked, despite not knowing what a lowbrow was.  "Sure."  I gave her a sheet. When she was done she looked up. "These are kind of weird and gross."  "Well, that's the point."  I turn back around when I feel the tap again. I look at her and she has her hand outstretched. "Can I see some more?"  Another convert joins Satan's army  
      My wifes friend came over wearing a really short skirt,showing off her well-tanned legs.      At one point she was trying to put my child's babyseat into the van she carelessly bent over exposing her bright white panties.      I thought to myself ...wow I'm using that next shower I take.  
  I'm drinking iced tea out of a tupperwear soup container with a hole punched in the lid.  Through a straw.  And I paid a dollar for it at Chan's Garden, next door.  
  To all who eat candy.  Beware "Wonka Fun Dip"  There is a portion of the candy that you dip the sticks in that "Changes color and flavor!"  The color changing part is done through meticulous use of high end dyes activated by the moisture in your mouth.  This has two side effects when eaten by the package (aka not using the pissant little sticks and just downing the thing).  1)  It dye's a consumers mouth green for an indefinate period of time  and   2)  It, after 2 days use, dye's ones feces bright green.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have I told this story before? I can't remember but I have yet to see it skimming the Brow-  As kids, my twin sister and I would trim our tonails by peeling them off (Just the long part, not the whole toenail mind you.) and dropping them behind the dresser we shared. We did this for years. When we moved there was a substantial pile of dried out toenails behind the dresser. Dad discovered our "stash" when he lifted the dresser to take it out of our bedroom.  
   Spotted Dick  It's actually a popular dessert in Britain. I'm going back to the Old Country for New Year's. I start to think of the familiar old food I'll be eating... You think British food is bad? You don't know the half of it. Here's a recipe for Spotted Dick: 4 oz plain flour 4 oz suet water to mix 4 oz raisins mix the flour, currants and grated suet (it should have the general consistency of mouse droppings) very lightly by hand... The recipe goes on to explain how to wrap the whole thing in a dishcloth, then boil it for "as long as possible." And suet? Do you really think you understand what suet is? Suet is the layer of fat that comes from around beef kidneys. At least when my mom makes it, she also adds sugar...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a friend of a friend's moment:   Him: my friend bought a dildo with Scooby Doo's head on it. That's terrifying! Why the fuck would they make that...Although "Scooby Dooby Dildo" is a great name for a sex toy. I mean if u are gonna put things on dildos, which is weird in the first place...but why not something with SOME kind of sex appeal?   Why a bumbling cartoon dog?  Me: uch...  
  sometimes I wake up and think.... "fuck.....I made it through another night."  
  Once again on the train ride to work, I had a member of the SFPD frisk me for my pass [your papers please....].  Satisfied that I was legit, he moved on and approached a young woman that had also just gotten on the train.  She was young, white, professional looking - open toed black leather high-heels, black skirt, blouse, etc.  When he asked to see her pass, she got up and tried to bolt out of the train [gotta work on that poker face honey].  She was verbally restrained, taken back aboard and ticketed.  I decided then that there are few things funnier than the look on the face of some piece of shit yuppie bitch publically caught for an act of petty criminality.  
  There was no beer in the fridge and I had lost my fake ID.  I tried multiple methods for getting beer, but eventually had to resort to bribing a homeless guy to buy liquor for me.  
  VALEDICTION Whenever someone left our department, we'd put a cake with a farewell message on it in the department refrigerator. When a guy named Zarrow left, it said "Parting is such, sweet Zarrow." When Middaugh (pron. "mydaw") left, it was "Nobody beats Middaugh.  Nobody." Might've put the point on it by introducing him to a baseball bat, but that's a bit too much trouble for a simple joke.  
  A friend of mine mentioned a party we were at last summer, parts of which I'd apparently blacked out.  "Yeah, you were doing body shots off her, and then you two started making out."  "Body shots? Of what?"  "Tequlia."  I told her the whole thing was impossible. I don't drink tequila.  
  the first place we had stopped at was closed, and the first of two bathrooms at our second stop was being cleaned.  gears whined in my head as we made the trip across the building and upstairs to the second mens room.  i mused upon my semi-full bladder to pass the time, while matt continued to complain about how badly he had to take a shit.  he had been driving, and due to my stealthful silence, was oblivious to my need to urinate.  i pushed him aside to be the first in the door, and, pausing for but a tenth of a second, committed myself to the left stall and proceeded to piss all over the toilet, floor, and back wall.  about halfway through, i heard matt come in and start swearing profusely.  i almost fell down in urine laughing so hard when i walked out of my stall and found him staring into the next one, almost a mirror image of the first.  
  nothing is worse than running into a dark bathroom when you really gotta go, sitting down only to realize the toilet seat is up, and all you can do is sit there on the filthy uncovered toilet and think "ew".         
  His hat and beard gave him an avuncular, even professorial, look. His alcoholic breath could have sterilized surgical instruments. Four blocks later, the passengers pointed out that he might want to start the meter. Which he did. Chatty the way drunks are, he hypnotized himself listening to the various spins he could put on the same thought. Did I mention he repeated himself?  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  This isn't actually a story from my life, but my grandfather's. He's old. (I remind you he is really old, early 80's). So my grandpa was in southern California visiting his brother there. He had been staying there for a few nights until they had a party (maybe not a party, but an old folks gathering.) He was introduced to a lovely "young" lady whose name is completely slipping my mind. Anyway, after a night of talking they go up to the bedroom she is staying in. They are talked for about thirty minutes, until both their wine glasses were empty. My grandpa's lady friend said something along the lines of her getting into something more comfortable as he refilled the glasses. He goes down the two flights of stairs to refill the glasses, and hurries back upstairs with a huge grin on his face. As he walks in he notices something. She is fast asleep.  "As you can see, grandson, we are both in the same situation. Although mine is seperated by more naps and less of that hip hop music."  
  Someone wrote and told me I have anger management problems. I disagree. I think I manage my wrath very well. No ones died because of it.  Yet. And I don't have the techno skills necessary to track down the real addresses of those who feel superior enough to lecture me via email. Yet.  And if ever the twain shall meet....  
  To the mother who threw her son's Cannibal Corpse tape in the garbage:  Thank you. I myself do like heavy metal, but even I cannot stand this weak excuse for a band.        
  i was in the shower when i started to think of some really kinky shit  so i put the shower nozzle on massage and got my self off  i came so hard i almost passed out  got out of the shower and toweled off  then i stood there bone dry feeling like an asshole because i realized i never got around to using any soap.  i bet my boyfriend wants to know why i take two showers within ten minutes huh?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After deploying an enterprise system I've architected, I keep perspective by letting the words of the wise man ring in my head: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."  
  Fun With a Temperature Gun #52987  The Exact temp of My neighbors sleeping dogs lower intestine: 90.2*F  
  8:48pm 08/30/01:  I'm sitting in my motorhome.  The one my wonderful wife bought for me because she realized I need time to myself.  Absolute heaven:  Big Yamaha surround-sound receiver, nasty subwoofer.  Cable TV, VCR, DVD, and Gigahertz computer with fast internet access.  Very large bag of best August skankweed at my side.  She had said: "Go and do whatever you need to -- don't worry about us, enjoy yourself."  Eat your heart out, guys -- she's mine.  Except that as I sit here, I'm consumed with fears that she somehow disapproves of me.  
  I married him, fully sober and in my right mind, knowing he was a hardcore D&D addicted geek. I ought to be canonized.  
  When I was thirteen I conceived of a philosophical idea,  The Repetitive-Uniqueness of Humanity .  I think I meant that every person lives a unique life when you examine the details, but that each life is caged by a series of clich s (birth, family, sex, love, loss, death, etc.) that are the same for every person.   But now, when I use that phrase, it means something completely different to me.  Now it means that I believe that we are all destined to fuck up, and fuck up regularly, but at least every failure is particular to the individual  when you examine the details.  Am I still saying the same thing?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "ha ha. that's funny. you make me  laugh (I'm trying to use a lot of words) llama llama  llama!!" I said. "llamaism ish!!" she said "chocolate cupcake!" I said "mallow" was her reply "smallow! ishmallows!" "the ish mallows are coming on a bear  hunt!" she said.  This was getting weird. "to eat goey bears and have  them burn in Hell!!!!!" I said "burn burn burn!!!!!! ha ha ha. gonna have a bonfire bon bon  bon" she said "heh heh heh! and roast  shmellos shmellos shmellos!" that was me "shmello!! fire on fox two!" she said "and bear!" me "and bear fox chicken!! *pow*" her again "*smash!!*" my last comment on that matter "*feathers fly in the air and i stand there grinning*" She concluded. To this day, I stull have no idea what we were talking about.           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After long experimentation, I know these for facts:  More than anything, girls love penis inside them (but first be sure to lick them to heaven and back). From long personal experience, I know that more than anything, I love having my penis inside a woman. Quid pro quo. Something for everybody, right? Then why is it  so fucking difficult to arrange?    
  My work brings us Beer/Wine/Snacks every Friday.  They say "It's a good way to start the weekend."    
  the shortest and sweatest conversation i have had to date was when i said quote i packed my shit and im going to boston now the lease is up tomorrow see ya endquote rolled up the window and drove ten hours it was like pulling you leg out of a bear trap without opening the jaws i grant you but freedom is a massive endorphine i drank deeply that day        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The dark-haired guy plugged three quarters into the jukebox, punched some numbers.  Five seconds later, it started to play "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits.  She sang along, half-embarrassed she knew all the words.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  my dad took me shopping with him this weekend. in walmart, he asks me if i need underwear, then proceeds to dig up the biggest grandma-white-bigass-psuedo-chastity pants he can come up with.  I think my dad knows more than he is letting on.  
  The 40 year old lady who works in the office across from mine came in and seen me eating my lunch...which was cheesecake.    She walked in and out of no where said, "I would give my left testicle for a bite of that cheesecake." Then...she just stared.    I was in midbite and I tried forcing that gulp down.  I gladly offered her the rest.    I guess I learn something new every day...the thought of 40 year old woman having nutsacks works better then any diet I've tried so far.  
  isn't it great to have an alcoholic mother??   i love hearing "fuck em harder you son of a bitch" from my mom while she is drunk.  that'll give ya some good dreams.    
  What would you do about an overly loud frat house next door?    My answer- move.  But your last night there borrow a paintball gun from a friend.  It seems that the screens stay up for the first few hits,  causing an interesting  misting effect.  After 3 hits though they rip, going right through into the living room, kitchen and some even go straight through the house and hit the cars parked in their back lot.  Make sure there's no paint on your hands and shoes the next morning when you go down to offer sympathies and astonishment though or it's not quite as fun.  
  i guess i won the genetic lottery.  i am 6' 165lbs with striking blue eyes and a model's face.  i placed in the top 2% on the GRE.  i made a 31 on the ACT while stoned.    and yet i am 25 and i have never been in love.  i can count the times i have had sex on one hand, all in high school with sluts.  in college i came close several times with beautiful women but it was always my hangups that prevented anything from ever really happening.  i would say good things in class and the girls would practically line up to hit on me.  but i didnt have the balls to do anything about it.  i smiled and was polite but i pursued them maybe 4 times in 4 years.  i am terrified of intimacy.  i spend nearly all my time alone.  i look in the mirror and i see one of the beautiful people but i look in my soul and all i see is agony.  i wonder if it is already too late. i am trying very hard to get over myself but i wonder if it is already too late.    
  i told her the other day about my idea that she could come with me when I drive from LA to Sac over spring break..I told her it was 5 hours long and she could see Cali and all, and went on about that for a while, saying how she could see pretty much the whole state and how butt-ugly it is between NorCal and SoCal, etc etc.   She responded with "That's a lotta road head."  God I love that girl.   
  3 years ago, Naha inl't airport, okinawa i and several others are lined up at the urinals in the mens room doing what get's done their.  In walks an elderly cleaning woman, who procedes to empty the trash cans, re-fill the papertowel dispenser, etc.  hmm, i think to myself.  *that* is culture shock.        
  On a normal date, you put cologne on your clothes and your skin, so if the clothes come off, you still smell nice.  On a GOOD date, you don't worry about putting cologne on your clothes, because they'll be off before anyone smells them.  On a GREAT date, you put cologne below your belly button, because that's where her nose will be.  
      There have been so many people dying in huge numbers lately.  airplane crash  bonfire collapses  boat accident  bus crash  hurricane  earthquakes   I thought to myself "hey- it's keeping the population density down."    
  I'm a college student and was playing cards at a Leadership Institute I recently attended. After losing a hand of poker, I called the kid across the table from me a "sloppy cunt" in a rather loud voice. Just as I finish my tirade, a 60-70 year-old woman walks into the room and says with the most horrified look on her face, "so, are you having fun playing cards tonight?" Turns out that she was a facilitator of the retreat and I had to interact with her for the next five days knowing that she heard me call someone a "sloppy cunt." Ouch.  
  back in the 1980s when cable t.v.first graced suburbia the cable company gave each customer the same remote control,being a teenager at the time me and my buddies used to smoke and drink and change peoples channels for them,shit you could even turn it on in the middle of the night .one night we got caught,the cops thought we were so clever they let us keepour mickys bigmouths.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I asked life, "Why me?"  Life replied, "Why not you?"  I don't talk to life anymore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Mardel: Christian Office Supply Store Need I say more?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After a beer-league softball game, I am standing by our sponsor's dance floor.  Next to me is a 50 year old guy doing some of the smoothest dance moves I have ever seen. I watch for a while and smile at him. He comes up to me and makes an indecent proposition. Oh, yeah, I need to add that I am a straight male and this is a local's bar.  I turn to one of my teammates, Big John, and tell him, "That old guy just asked me to suck his cock."  Big John (6'4", 350 lbs) walks over to my harasser and yells at him, "Stay away Bitch. He s mine."  What could I do? I got up on tippy toes and gave John a big wet kiss on the cheek.    
  My name is Gunner. Yes, really.  If you say 'Gunther' I'll kick your ass.  
  someone said (maybe george carlin) that "man was given a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one of them at a time." i think it was meant as a joke. but in my case, it really holds true. now, if i could just get scientific proof and a government card stating my condition, i'd be alright.  
  Age makes use wise and venerable.  My co-worker is a 52 year old, highly respected scientist. He has a Doctorate in Immunology, numerous publications in refereed, peer reviewed scientific journals. He has made significant contributions to the advancement of his field of science.  He can't say "Uranus" without laughing.  Venerable my ass.  
  "Yeah, I usually piss while driving to your apartment. It's a long drive."  "That's absolutely ridiculous. What would your parents do to you if you got in a car accident, dick in hand, pissing into a Gatorade bottle?"  "Think I'm an idiot."  "I already do."  
  it felt weird, going in and out.  not like it normally did... "is...everything okay?" i asked breathlessly.    no answer, just breathing.  it was VERY dark and i couldn't quite see his face. but then i heard the snort, and knew that the son of a bitch was asleep.   i got off of him, and that thing slid right out of me like a cold dead snake. our anniversary, the wine i had bought, the satin string up my ass that i would never wear unless it was for him, and the fucker was asleep.    suprisingly, he didn't wake up until i had already tweezed 4 ball hairs.  man, did he howl like a baby.   
  I use Biore pore strips on my ass.  
  It was warm One of the 1st days of spring I was talking to my best friend on the phone, and decided to walk around a park near my house while talking to her. It was so warm And so pritty I laid down on the soft green grass And talked untill she had to go. I fell asleep Not too odd But i was awaken by a 6ft man With Carharts and camo on Almost no teeth  And a beer bottle in his hand. "Nope, she's alive" all he said and then he turned and left. I felt sorry for him If i would of really been dead He would of gotten his 15 minutes of fame Guys like him only get there minutes if they A)find a dead body or B)See a UFO I thought about that and laughed.  Now i only sleep at home  
  he comes over on weekends in a drunken stupor and fucks me. for the most part, i have no problem with this. however, he insists on pretending to care about me and promising to call, even when i know he won't. i uneasily asked him to dinner a few times, feeling guilty for not believing his lines or even pretending to. he said he'd call me sometime, maybe come over and chill. he didn't.   that's not what pisses me off; it's actually a relief that Casual Fuck Boy doesn't want a relationship. i'm just aggrivated that he thinks i'm stupid enough to buy into all that crap.   i've decided to find a new casual fuck; i don't mind being demeaned by him viewing me only as a sexual object, but i at least want to have my mental capacity acknowledged. i didn't score 1510 on the SAT because i'm a good lay.  
  I once helped with a little kids sports camp.  It was only then I realized exactly how terrible I was at the sport of soccer.  I had little 5-10 year olds running around me, kicking my ass, when the youngest kid on the field knocks the ball square in my face, throwing me clear down to the grass. Unfortunately, it didn't stop there.  Apparently I was in front of the goal, so as I made my way back up, *bam*.  I blocked a goal, yet again with my face.  Despite that, I would have to say the most disturbing thing is having one of the little kids smack my ass every once in a while calling me a "fat chicken pole".  All I can think now is why he called me that, and if he'll ever understand the irony in it.  
  I  went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn cop writing a parking ticket.  So I went up to him and said,  Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a  break? So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started  writing another ticket for having bald tyres!! So I called him a horse  f****r. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first, then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes! Anyway, after giving up with all the arguing, I walked over to my car that was parked around the corner and drove off...   
  I'll never forget the pride I felt in my roommate when she announced in front of all our friends that she masturbated at work once.    
  imagine the look on the check out person's face when we, two tall long hair and leather bruiser looking guys with smiles on our faces placed our basket of stuff on the counter.  the contents: a selection of cheap drug store xmas ornaments and two large bottles of lube.  
  Take the worst fart you've ever smelled and multiply it by three.  That's what large parts of I-95 through Georgia smell like.  
  we were heading back to school from mcdonalnds after skipping a few periods.  he had on a mcdonalds bib.  on the way back, my friend had to shit, so he went on the side of the trail and began to shit his brains out as two joggers run by and say, "whoa big mac!"  good times  
  I went to pick up my gf from a friend's apt. I been there only once, and wasn't quite sure which apt she was in so I started knocking on random doors.  A gentleman opened the first door, and I asked, "Is Jasmine here?"  He looked at me like I done lost my mind, "Jasmine is 14 years old!" (I was 20 and looked older)  "Umm...sorry...wrong Jasmine," and I ran to the other building.  
  Last night I bit into an unsuspecting snickers bar.  It left my mouth with my temporary crown buried in it.  Of course, I did what I thought anyone else would do.  I washed it off, stuck it back in, and chased around my friend threatening to show them my gap toothed smile.    
  he tripped on his feet and went careening into a beautiful woman she asked if he was ok  she helped him get his balance and brushed of some dirt he had on his shoulder the man smiled for real and apologized in earnest just goes to show that not every beautiful person is misanthropic       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I belong to a small close-knit church, which, because of work-schedule conflicts, I haven't attended in about a month.  I just received a letter saying that the pastor has been granted a one month sabbatical by the board of directors.  I do a double-take.  Excuse me - board of directors?  What board of directors?  Turns out it's just another fucking corporation like any other.  God is a corporation and I unwittingly attended another franchise.  Fuck this.  If God wants to talk to me he knows where to find me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 5 years old, I watched a TV special on teen idols. I asked my aunt, "How does someone become a teen idol? I want to be one." She didn't really know how to explain it. But now, she never lets me forget it. I swear, if I turned into Brittany Spears, I would go insane. No one gets more crap than she does. I don't even know anymore.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went into a bar the other day, called 'the Lowbrow Lounge'...  I half expected you all to be there.  Of course, I don't know that you weren't.     
  i just toked it up with a bunch of fucking hillrods   i really need to get the hell out of cornfield # 362  
  In May of 2000 in Las Vegas  My friend and I had been playing blackjack all morning.  After about 4 hours we'd turned $400 into $20,000.  I had huge piles of $100 chips and misc others ($5, $25 etc).  They changed dealers on us and I decided I'd done well enough and exchanged everything for purple $500 chips to make the trip to the cash exchange cage easier.  As I stood up with my 24 $500 chips, another friend of ours who'd been watching us play makes some snide comment about me betting purple chips.  I HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM  My nostrils flare...  I sit back down and start betting the maximum: $2000 a hand.  I lost everything back in 6 consecutive hands, even the $1000 I'd put into my pocket to make sure I left with something...  Yes, I am the supreme jackass.  
  Around 2nd or 3rd grade summer, I had taken a trip down to the swim hole (public pool) with the rest of my day care (yeah I know, dare cair rulz).  So anyways, we've been there all day, and the "teach" decides its time to make the 1 mile march back to day care a'la the street.    Prone to taking off my swimsuit after completing my swimming requirements for the day, I decide its time for me to get out of the wet suit.   Well, thats typically not a problem cept for the fact that I do it in front of the entire pool.  It was one of those moments where your brain unconciously goes to talk to god/sockpuppets and leaves your body to fend for itself.  It was about two or three minutes of walking "in the bare" before one of my friends (scared and scarred) walked up to me and said, "Hey you know your butt-nekkid right?"    'Hmmm...' I thought, I pondered on this before I fully understood that I had begun to change in front a shocked and obviously awkwarded crowd of people.  Yay for pants and quick reflexes.  
  Haiku to my new microfibre bra:  So soft I must go To the bathroom at school just To feel myself up  
  I got on the bus today and there was this guy in the aisle on hands and knees picking up reese's peices off the floor and as I waited politely for him to finish so as not to crush any underfoot he looked up at me and said "uuh, dawg, muh-fukkin' m-n'-m's, yee-eah."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was talking to this girl i just met.  turns out she is a man-girl.  the type of girl that gets along better with guys and has guy tendencies, only that has boobs and a vagina.  she drinks beer, and drives a raised truck.  her next vehicle will be a raised surburban that is like mini big foot.  When she told me that, I already knew what I would want to do to her in the back of that thing, with all the leather seats folded down.  It was a flash, kinda.  She was still talking.  I was wondering what she would look like in my favorite position.  She was talking about horsepower, I was wondering if she always wears tanktops with no bra and does she know her nipples are showing?  I'm about to go for the close, and she beats me too it..."We should all hang out some time."    Hold on, who the fuck is "we?" I'm thinking.  She continues..."you and my boyfriend would get along great."  FUCK!  This always seems to happen to me.    Wait, maybe they are looking for a third to fulfill one of their manag'e fantasies.    "yeah, maybe" I reply.    
  1:30AM, getting off work, debating calling my buddy for a night of destruction (though it means breaking my last $10 for the payphone). I see a quarter on the ground and despite my contempt for all superstition, decide it's a sign I should call. Unless, of course, the devil put that quarter there to tempt me. Seems like a more likely situation, as it doesn't sound like something a god would do.  Fuck it, why am I thinking about something as absurd as religion? Pick up the quarter and call, you pussy.  Drive over to his place, chill for a while. Lots of fun. Drive home. Halfway up a long empty stretch of road leading to my part of town (and right next to an emu farm, incidentally) the car runs out of gas.  I guess I know devils better than I know gods, because now I'm cursing that goddamned quarter.  I walk about 45 minutes down to the nearest gas station. Oh, they're out of cans. Walk  another  45 minutes (at least) to the next nearest gas station. (Sticking out a thumb but nobody will give me a lift; what a surprise. Fucking strung-out yuppie towns. As if they don't have enough extra room in their SUVs. But I digress.)  Grab an empty can, at a price only a local monopoly can get away with demanding. Fill it. Pull that last bill out of my wallet and slap it down on the counter. Hear the vague echo of devilish laughter in my head and wonder why the clerk's shaking his head at me.  The bill's a phony.  Fuck you, Satan. Money has always been your work...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met a guy in a bar who could sing just like Willie Nelson.  He told me he just got out of prison for bank robbery, after serving in the military for twenty years.  Guess he didn't learn too much.  
  One day when my cousin and i were around 5 we were waiting in line with my aunt at a Burger King behind this extremely obese women,(mind you at age 5 we are at adults butt height). Suddenly her paiger goes off, he gets looks like a dear in headlight, puts his arm against my chest and starts dragging me backwards yelling, " Watch out she's backing up." I dont remember eating any Burger King that day.  
  i am 34. yesterday i went to a restarant with my mom to eat. i had to take a piss. i tell her i will be right back. as i walked in the bathroom, there are a couple of people giving me funny looks. i wonder for a second, why there are 2 transvestites in the bathroom. then it comes to me: this is the womens bathroom. quickly run out and scream "sorry ladies!" i just hope mom didnt find out.  
        I just read a moment written by someone who watched with sick fascination as a guy did that "tongue kissy" thing with a dog like in Something About Mary.  I think she was talking about me.    
        You'll have to excuse the song titles, but when you think about this... If "Only the good die young" and "Nice guys finish last," what's the use of living?  Wouldn't it just be easier to end it now and save the agony?  
  Does filling a SuperSoaker 50 with bleach make it a weapon by legal standards?   I certainly could have walked into a liquor store and held it up with it....  But dont worry, all I did was chase 9 year olds around the neighbourhood with it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's a sparrow caught inside the local Albertson's supermarket. Every time I go there I see the little thing fly up around the rafters. I don't know whether or not to call some government animal control agency and ask them to "rescue" it, cause I kind of like seeing it there.        
  3/13/03  My painting of Lucifer was so horrifying in its macabre magnificence that I was sure that upon seeing it, my mother would run screaming from the room and later be locked up in a mental institution for life.    "The handwriting you use for your signiture is so messy," she commented instead.  No screaming, no running, no subsequent insanity.  So much for the Bob Ross Art Kit.    
  lying flat on my back, staring at the marijuana plant flourishing in the skylight, while the sexiest boy in the world goes down on me.....   i feel my life may have changed somewhat since leaving home.    
  Me and my friend had a birthday part over at my house.  It was a theme party, everyone was supposed to come in beachwear.   Basically just a cheap attempt to get girls to show up in bikinis.  When my grandfather (who lives in the same house as me) heard about the party, he asked if we would bring all the girls by him, before we went downstairs. I guess it runs in the family   
  I had an argument with the monsters again.  It seems that they've all pulled together so that they could buy me a futon, due to the fact that my mattresses lay on the floor.    "Look girl, we just ain't no kinda monsters if we can't hide under a bed."  I got offended.  Of course, I love the monsters, but I love my bed on the floor even more.  And when I suggested that they continue to hide in the closet, or maybe even the attic, they got pissed off and left.  I hope they come back soon.  It gets really lonely talking to myself...  
  Decided to add to the excrement entries.  My son as a two year old shat turds that were humongous and I wonderously was amazed at the efficiency of the toilet in flushing them down. Also, I was amazed at the size of the turds coming from such a small child.  He's 28 now. He says he still does it (shats humongous turds).  My daughter as a toddler shat rabbit turds. She does that still as well.  Glad that neither of them, even though both are highly computer literate, read lowbrow.com.  Heh, lowbrow is mine.  
  I had a lit candle sitting in my room.  First of all, anyone trusting me with fire is an idiot.  The candle is the kind where it's in a kid of glass bottle, with the flame below the rim.  I decide I'm going to conduct an experiment: I'll put a tissue over the opening, and see which will happen first.  Either the tissue will ignite, or the flame will be suffocated.  So I put the tissue tightly over the opening.  It turns brown, then explodes in yellow flames.  I jump up an flail wildly with it, before throwing it to the ground and stomping it out with my bare feet.  I have a not-too-severe burn on my foot, and my stepdad one story below me wakes up to swiftly ground me for lighting things on fire and stomping the thin floor at two o'clock in the morning.  And son of a bitch, the flame on the candle went out too.  
  By day I drive a Volvo. By day I work in an office and talk on the phone to neurotic women who are all upset because they're not getting enough office supplies.  But we REALLY know what they're not getting enough of, don't we?  By night, my Volvo becomes Vulva the Wonder Car, and I am Clit Girl, saving the world from bad dates and pegging men (and women) who stuff with my x-ray vision.   My gun shoots condoms and spermicidal jelly. And yes, I have a Vibra-Phone. My costume is that of a dominatrix...with a cape.   But by day, you would never, ever know. My secret is safe with me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is something comforting in eating 7-11 sandwiches while pissed to the gills and knowing your gonna-spew-like-you've-never-spewed-before when the morning comes.  I dunno. They taste good coming up.  
  cheerleader@yercrotch.com...  you are my hero.  Thanks!  
  The first thing one sees when traveling across the border from Massachusetts to New Hampshire is "WECOME TO NEW HAMPSHIRE" sign with the fanatical slogan "LIVE FREE - OR DIE!!". The second thing one sees is the huge parking lot for the State of New Hampshire's Government-controlled and monopolistic owner of the people's Liquor Stores. Hypocrisy at its' finest.....     
  She was a friend, so I gave her another friend's phone number.  He was a friend, so I warned him about her first.  They dated for 3 months and now hate each other.  
  i meet this wonderful woman at the airport, the flight is delayed.  so i take her to a friends to grab a bite to eat and spend the 4hrs we had until the flight left.  my friend points out that the "woman" i've been all excited about (since this kinda thing only happens in movies and not to the type of person i am) seems to be a man.    
  Whenever I guy says to me:  "When's the last time you got laid?"  My response is always:  "When did YOU get laid last?"  And the funny thing is, no matter how many months, weeks, days or sometimes even hours, since the last time they've been laid...I can always respond (truthfully) with:  "Less than that."  And even better, that's usually a good enough answer for them.  
  I've got a big, nay, a HUGE fucking cock.      
  in third grade my best friend John showed me and some other neighborhood kids some 'cool things' that his parents had. cool is a loose term... he showed us their porno mags and a pink vibrator. he even turned it on, we thought it was amusing. his parents were not attractive people. and that was the first time i realized that having a vivid imagination is very bad for you.  
  i have this soft blanket that i sleep with. its very warm and comfortable. i went into my bedroom, to find the cat doing the blanket doggy-style. he ran away pissed off. i think he was about to cum when i walked in.  
  1337  "leet"  "elite"  Amazing how one word can prove Darwins theory wrong.  
  You know, as disgusting as it sounds, I bet you that a Koala Bear masterbating might possibly be the cutest thing I have ever seen...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She: Thanks for calling XXXXXXX Beauty Salon, how can I help you?  Me: Yes, do you do waxing?  S: Yes we do.  M: What kinds?  S: What do you want?  M: Genital  S: Sure thing.  When would your g/f like to come in?  M: uh...male genitals  S: Oh. (pause) We do that too, but...  M: But what?  S: We don't do the scrotum  M: Really why not?  S: There are too many risks  M: Of what?  Ingrown hairs?  S: No...  M: Irritation?  S: Tearing.     Ouch!  
  I've been to two Spring Breaks in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Both times, it was a mistake to go.  One of my few fond memories of the trip was sitting in a hotel room with four girls from Chicago (I'm from New York), discussing what networks were on which channels.  "ABC is on channel 2."  "No, no, ABC is 7."  "Fox is 7!"  "Fox?!? Fox is 5!!!"  I didn't so much as make out with any of them. I did not belong at Spring Break.  
  i awake sexually aroused. knowing that there wasn't a slang term for women who awake sexually aroused i decided to make one up. because i know i'm not the only woman who wakes up with the need to masterbate, if i am this is a sad, sad world.  i was talking to an ex and he said "morning dew" and it all made sense. the funny thing is is that my hebrew name Ruth comes from the root word 'morning dew' (i dunno if they have a seperate word for every time of day or what ;P) think about this my friends ~ r   
  Well, like last night for instance...I was sitting around in my room, surrounded by all the used, mismatched furniture I scraped up for myself from stuff that other people didn't want anymore.  Filling out magazine subscription cards in my former landlord's name, checking the box marked "Bill Me Later"...So far I've sent out 130, and counting, in my heeheehee efforts at revenge.  And then to top off the evening, I realize that the Ghetto Bird police helicopter has been buzzing around and around our neighborhood for a half an hour now, for no apparant reason because like, everybody is inside, watching T.V.  And so I get up off my dirty stained used couch, go outside, wait for the Ghetto Bird to swing back around over our house, and then proceed to flip it off.  Standing there in my tee shirt and shorts, barefoot, middle finger gesturing wildly up at the sky.  Then I went back inside and went back to filling out the magazine subscription cards.  My goal is to collect up and mail out 200.  That'll teach her to screw ME out of a thousand dollars!  Bitch!!!!      
  "you know i've found that the more unusual a person tries to look, the less interesting they are to talk to"  "wow" i said "nice pants"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Is there more to my life than whiskey?  Yes.  On good days, there's the glass I pour it into.  
  I deserved it, I know.  It was recess and I was grabbing at Ann Stocker's body pretending to have that adolescent hatred of girls while conviniently disguising the fact that I've wanted to grab and caress them since early childhood.  The bell rang and Ann had ran away. I walked up the stairs, turned the sharp corner to the next set of steps and there she was. 4 steps above me Ann Stocker lifted her leg and the last thing I remember before that white explosion of pain in my balls overtook me was that she didnt even bend her knee.  I'll bet Ann Stocker has forgotten me, but She will, in my mind, be the anthithesis of Rejection that I endure every day.  
  it turns out that a PMS headache is not fixed by swigs of straight burbon.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Well, I was visiting someone in Alabama, and being from up north, didn't really feel like socializing with anyone.  Well I'm in the mall and I buy a visor from one of the sports stores in the mall.  The saleswoman was about 20 and rather cute.  While she was helping me out she mentioned to get her number before I leave, so I'm like "Alright" thinking ummmm booty call.  Anyway, as I'm leaving with her number written on my reciept I look to see 6 digits instead of 7.  I go back and ask her what's the big idea.  She says "Oh, you wanted my phone number, I wrote down my employee number."  "I can write my phone number too", at that point I was so embarressed I just walked out the store.  Shame.  
  Don't kiss that one he say's pointing to the raver running across the grass.  She had her hand firmly closing against her mouth and her cheecks were tought with vomit. Later she's sucking on my ear and I forget.  
  She's done it before: locked herself out of her house and car, kid in hand and diaper bag over her shoulder. I can hear her outside my door..."we'll just ask to use their bathroom to change you, hang on now." It's much easier to remain silent and pretend not to be home than to spend the next 24 hours trying to get that nasty babyshit smell out of the house.  
  Pavlov was right...  For some reason, whenever anyone calls a phone number and they hear the old familiar "We're sorry, the number you've called has been disconnected (etc.)" they have a tendency to just hang up...  That's why it's on my voicemail.  
  About a week or so after Anthrax started showing up at all the post offices I went to pick up the mail from our PO box. The lobby was pretty crowded, about 6-8 people mailing shit and buying stamps. After getting the mail out of the box. I held up an envelope and gave it the old "whiff/sniff" loudly under my nose. Everyone in that place turned to look. Oh shit, the expressions those people had still make me laugh.  "Mmmm, got me some damn fine 'thrax here"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I remember in one episode of the Simpsons they joked about how Homer would have to rest his beer on his genitals, after destroying his insides by absorbing repeated cannonball impacts.  I'm resting my mostly empty jug of vodka on my crotch as we speak.   ...   I'm not really in a mood to laugh, I guess.   - benzarro@whatsyoursn.com     Is it funny that it's several months later, and vodka night again? I didn't either! Hallelujah Halloween, pass me the bottle, suckers.   
  Waiting for our order at a certain fast food chicken place in San Antonio. A young black woman comes up and says, "Y'all better get on outta' here!" I replied, "What are you talking about? We just placed our order!" She shook her head and said, "They fixin' to start shootin'!" I said, "OH!! Well, since you put it like THAT!" I laid rubber out of the parking lot. I was still hungry for chicken though, dammit.  
  Mom used to make me go to church with her.  I hated it when the pastors would lecture on and on.  I always thought that it would be more effective if they used sock puppets.  A sock puppet running around screaming "HELL SUCKS!  WHY DID I FUCK THAT HOT CHICK THAT PASSED OUT ON MY COUCH???" would maybe have kept me from damning myself.  ...Maybe if they set the puppet on fire, too...  
  Fat people are harder to kidnap.  
  I moved into the basement apartment.  There were four bedrooms upstairs, and in the basement I had my own kitchen, bedroom, and livingroom.  I hook up all my stuff, and decide to try the cable.  They'd told me that there wasn't any cable, but I thought what the hell?  Turns out we had free cable.  All the channels that are analog.  Gotta love it.  A few months later I get a call from the cable company.  While watching the TV.  Fortunately,  I muted it before I answered.  They say "We'd like to tell you about our cable services."  Thinking quickly (especially since I was ultrabaked) I say "Sorry, I don't have a TV" and hang up as fast as I can...  
   More Fan Mail, More Fucking With People's Heads  Out of the blue, I get a very short message: "Is there any chance you might send me a photo?" Being a friendly chap, I do what she asks and send her a photo - of the Pope. She writes back: "You're Polish? I thought you said you were Scottish!"  
  My roommate was in Shop n Save buying our booze for the night, when a Chineese man came up to him and asked for his help selecting a wine.  My roommate gave him a few suggestions, and advised him to get a nice Reisling.  The man asked my roommate what he was getting.  "The cheap stuff," he said as he grabbed a 5 liter box of red delicious for $10.99.  
  HANGOVER HAIKU  Acid burns Fiery anus Post grog bog  
  A friend of mine, while picking up girls, often uses the technique of making himself look great by talking trash about us, his friends.  The weird thing: it works. Humans are, as an all-including demographic group, quite ignorant.  
  So I'm faking another injury this morning to get more pain pills.    I'm on the table waiting for the Doc.    I have wicked beer farts from breakfast...beer.  Doc comes in and I can tell he's about to be sick.  Never got a perscription quicker.  
  This is what I spend my time doing while I wait for my porn to finish downloading.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Usta practice shooting a 45 and was pretty damned good. Since my hands are small, the ex would cock it for me and leave it on the bedside table.  After becoming pregnant with my daughter, I became deathly afraid of the firearm. The ex removed the firing pen from the gun and placed the gun and the firing pen in two different locations.  Been divorced for almost 13 years now and I sure wish I had that old 45 with me. Maybe it's time to take that shooting lesson and get licensed - buy me my own 45.  
  i was once walking home from school, and realized i wanted some new dvd's but i had no money. to solve this problem i made a cardboard sign that said "need 5$ bus fare to get home PLEASE" i was tall and passed for college student and well backpack and abercrombi clothes were all the credentials i needed.  i made like 120$ in an hour on a street corner. people were all like whoa are you ok! what happened! i said shit like oh i lost my wallet and the bus driver was mean and you know some bullshit story or another.   after they gave me 5 bucks and i stayed there or went over to someone else, some people realized it was a scam but laughed. and all the teenagers trying to look cool would give me like 20 bucks. i even got the phone number of a cute girl in a honda, it was awesome.  if computer science doesnt pan out for me, I think id make a damn skilled hobo.  oh yeah and honda girl turned out to be really fucking wierd stoner girl with some kind of odd vinyl obsession.  
  Today I sat and listened to a 15yr old talking about how pissed she was that she got a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt, when her boyfriend got pulled over for speeding(at least he was wearing his). She went on and on about how dumb it was. Then she mentioned that she was engaged to this guy, at 15! I hope he gets into an accident and cripples her while escaping with only a scratch.  Then she can think about how dumb that seatbelt is.  
  we were in walmart looking at video games.  this fat little boy was playing zelda up on one of the screens. we were talking to him and all of a sudden he whirls around and backs flat against the cabnet. he puts his hand up to his mouth as if to say "gasp!" and whispers "are you guys alright to talk to?"  i never felt so scary we managed to convince him we were ok, but we were seriously debating either asking him if he wanted to have some candy in our van or just touching his butt and staring at him.   
  I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt.  It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork, anyway I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon.  The guy at the counter was mortified.   It was great.  
  forget you ever met me pick up your shit and go is this what you give me? A flower and a heartache I got nothing but cigarrette burns and wet dreams Is this the thanks I get for all the love I gave? Some lover you were. So sorry my uncle didn't quench your thirst. Fucking slut...        
  Were were about 9 years old standing on the porch in the summer sun.  Suddenly my friend starts crying and freezes.  There creeping it's way out of his shorts was a river of shit.  It ran like lava and stayed there on his frozen body until his mother retrived him.  
  I donated my couch to Salvation Army. It was rejected for 'reasons unknown' and is sitting on the sidewalk in front of the apartment, annoying all the neighbors.  
  my parents have a house up in the mountains, that we rarely ever go to. one time when i was about 6 we went up there for the weekend. we were all hungry, and all that was left to eat was cereal that was left there for a couple of months, untouched. we poured it out into the bowls, and put milk in. Then we started seeing these little ants start floating around in the cerial. My dad is one of those people who is into all natural stuff, and organic stuff, and all he said was..."a little and here and there wont hurt" nobody thought anything of it, and we just ate the cereal, ants and all. they werent that bad  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm 24. My stupid brother knocks up his girlfriend sophmore year in college. They decide to get married, want me to be best man. I put off getting fitted for the tux. I mean really, like it's some fuking honor for me to spend $100 to rent some stupid outfit for his stupid wedding cause he impregnated his stupid girlfriend. Dad calling, gotta get fitted...blah, blah....OK. Fine.  It's summer time, I don't wear underwear in the summer. It's a small shop, I show up 30 minutes before closing. A very attractive woman, girl? I don't know maybe 18, 19, hands me the tux. In the dressing room, I realize, no undies, slightly self conscious....start fantasizing about banging this chick....get so absorbed in this fantasy, that when I come out of the dressing room, I fail to realize that I've forgotten to zip......I'm looking straight ahead, obeying her commands, still unaware, that the tip of my dick is peeking through. What's this about? she says, pointing. I look down, and realize, and turn as red as a person can. She thought it was so cute. We had sex in the dressing room. Makes my brother not look so stupid afterall.  
  I'm 55 and a better lover to the women both young and old, according to them, not me, than guys half my age.  One said it was the "slow, respectful way you go over me."   Life is good.  
  There was an ambulance at the house down the street so of course we all gathered outside to watch. The paramedics carried out this skinny guy on the gurney, and the cop began to question him... 1.what's your name?  2.how much did you take?  3.who lives here with you?  4.Why did you try to kill yourself? 1. Ryan 2. the whole bottle 3. my wife and her mom 4... and suddenly out of the house pops Mom in Law, who starts yelling at him, screaming about what a lousy bastard he is and he better not think he was gonna get out of doing the lawn and where was the money from his check before he goes to the hospital cos they need it for more beer and on and on and on... The cops never pressed him for an answer to #4, they just quietly loaded him into the ambulance.  
  I just posted a moment about the gorgeous Julie, one of the best pool players in this shitty little town, who I hit on once again, even though she's told me repeatedely that she has no interest. But I don't give up easy. I know she loves my boy, so I leave and bring him back to the bar, with him leading the way and me with his "Balabushka" (really, just an adequate cue I got him at a yard sale), slung over my shoulder. He recognises her, runs up and buries his face in her breasts (oh, to be five years old again...). Wig: "Will you play pool with me? Please? Please?" She's caught, so I quietly tell her that I will put up the money, rack them, then she can break. By the time I have them racked, he's convinced her that he has to break. Boinkoik, sideways. She shows him no mercy (why should she?) What she shows me is her incredible, lithe, tawny body, stretched across the table while she makes her shots. 75 cents worth, feh shuah. The rules are that he doesn't have to use the cue ball, while she does. But she still goes up four balls on him, quickly. She's damn good, which is hard to notice, since there's so much else to look at... She goes for the 8-ball, and scratches off of two cushions. Tough one. Wig and I slap fives, high and low. I walk up to her and say: "Julie. Thanks for being such a good sport. Please let me at least get you a drink." Julie: "It was nice playing with him. But no thanks. I have to get back to my friends." Wig: "I WON! I WON!" Good, lad, because I didn't...    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Xmas time, to celebrate my friend gets a few bottle of Sam Adams Triple Bock for presents.   "What is it?" "I don't know, by my brother says one bottle gets you drunk off your ass" "Sweet!"  Sit down to drink, open the bottle and take a large swig together. We are rewarded with a taste not completely unlike Turpentine. But troopers we are, and we down the bottle, getting ourselves highly buzzed.   Upon wondering why it tastes like shit, we consult the website and find out it should be sipped and served in two ounce glasses.  We're opening another bottle, but this time the funnel is coming out, better to get it done with soon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          My Dear, Sweet, Munchausen Mom...  ...recently visited my sister in Vancouver, BC. Sis went to take a shower one morning, and asked mom to not wash the dishes until she got out, because the water pressure was lousy. She turned the shower on, then remembered she needed something from her bedroom. She left the shower running and went to get it. Mom was standing at the kitchen sink, turning the cold water on and off, on and off...  
  Wife to husband: "Chris, why do you always take off your wedding band before you go to Platinum." (local dance club)  Husband to wife: "Because its so special to me, I don't want to chance losing it."  Wife accepts the answer, and Chris and I head out to the club.  Chris to me, away from wife: "'It', of course, is the chance to sleep with a girl I meet at the club. Some girls won't screw a married guy, and I don't want to lose the chance."  I love being technically honest.   
  I work as a manager in a grocery store and one day a co-worker came up to me and said, "Hey... check out what I found in the bathroom!"  He proceeded to show me a porn mag.  He said he saw the 18-year old kid who stocks the fruit go in the with it.  We had a good laugh until we realized that we buy our groceries at the store too.  Wash your fruit before you eat it.  
  There is a girl that i have been "just friends" with for about two months now.   We walk arm in arm through wet streets and she tells me about her ex-boyfriend: a rich, ivy league, model for Men's Fitness.     How can I compete with that.  I'm just a regular guy with a big toothy smile and "beautiful eyes" (her words not mine).   later that night she says "I wonder if you know what our time together means to me"... I have absolutely no clear idea but I wonder if she knows that time apart means only agony for me.  kill me please!      
  It's official.....I think I broke my vagina. It's ashame no one ever told me excessive masturbation would do that. I'll miss those 5-times-in-a-row orgasams.  
   Yet Another Porn Store Story   Yup, "owned the company" again today.  
  In 7th grade, we had a guy come talk to my class to keep us from doing drugs.  He was one of those guys who actually HAS done all the shit he's warning us about.  He said, for instance that because he did so much acid years ago, he sees wavy lines in his vision to this day.  He also gave the best argument for not doing acid I've ever heard.  He said that every time he'd trip, he'd figure out the meaning of life.  But every morning, he'd forget it.  One time, he just got sick of the discovery-forget cycle, so he took out a pen and paper before he tripped.  In the morning, he read the words that would solve all of the world's problems, and find an answer to the meaning of our existence. It said:  "Air...  Is Air"  Now you know.  
  The other night the phone rang at 4 a.m. and some teenager yelled "wake up asshole" into my ear.  My daughter coincidentally was at a sleepover.  
  A lot of people say they live from day to day, but I used to have a friend who said he lived from shit to shit.  He said everything else was just stuff to pass the time between shits.  I'm still not qute sure how to process this.  
  I just got back from my evening jog through a neighborhood I won't inhabit much longer.  They're tearing down my house to make room for lovely little condos that will sell for $200,000 dollars each and have shopping on the first level. They claim it's for the doctors who work at the Hospital across the street. That they'd love to buy them.  The houses on the block would only go for about $75,000 - $100,000 on their own and I don't see any doctors living here now.  I walk past the part of the complex they finished 3 months ago, the 7 story building loaming over everything, dwarfing all the single family homes. Little bungalows built in the 1930s that look like they're about to be stomped by Condozilla.   I laugh at all the for sale signs on the property... Several Million dollars spent to find out what I could have told them.  I walk past, my music on the headphones, disgusted by the money wasted, the happy homes and local businesses destroyed. Then I smile.  The Homeless man who now sleeps in the doorways, the doorways that are mere feet from the street, the doorways to homes no one wants... the homeless man gets up.  And Pisses on the tires of a Lexus.  The Lexus of the guy who has a wrecking ball pointed at my house.  The foul smell fills the street as I walk quietly, but quickly... and strangely happy.  Maybe you just had to be there.  
  How do I like them apples?  I like to fuck them apples  
  Thought I was falling in love.  He turned out to be one of those dominant/submissive guys. So, I made the attempt. Went submissive, wore a collar, called him "Master."  It's too bad I'm so outspoken and bossy. I ended up beating his ass up.  We aren't going out anymore... but now I'm a bit more dom.    
  The way to get through this, she decided, would be to throw herself into some mindless project.  Yes.  Something labor-intensive.  And if it turned out to be productive, that would be just a happy little bonus.  Whatever it was, it had to sybolize the start of something.  Anything to keep from thinking about the end of them.   As she jammed the dripping roller furiously up and down and across the front door -- frame, knob, chain, deadbolt, and all -- she stopped abruptly, and began wondering exactly how much was actually required to paint something shut.  She dipped the roller into the pan again and resumed painting a bit more deliberately, lingering over the hinges.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I heard him enter, and slump down in the stall next to mine.  Merely a brief grunt, and what followed sounded like a box full of jello breaking and splattering it's contents onto a wood gym floor...  
  Speaking of high school embarrassment, I was sitting at my desk in I think tenth grade, staring at the fox across the room. Staring at her legs, more accurately. In the midst of my ogling, she notices the sleazeball across the room groping her with his eyes and gives me the most disgusted look I think I've ever received.  That'll kill the fantasy alright.  
  So I spent the weekend at my boyfriend- type's house and we'd just had some raging hot sex. He and I had just wiped up when he heard his cell phone beep and went to go see who'd called. He began to listen to his voice mail when I noticed a little bit of cum still on his chest and went to go wipe it off for him.  He gave me a repulsed look and said, "It's my mom" I looked up at him and smiled, "Ahh, we just had our first lowbrow moment together"  
   Cape Hatteras - Take 1   Sailing down to Florida, we get into a full gale off Cape Hatteras.  At midnight the "all hands on deck" alarm sounds.  I go up into a world that makes no sense -- 20-foot waves, ship rolling 45&deg; each way, crew running around screaming. Pitch black except for the  Hatteras light, illuminating waves breaking on black rocks that are  far  too close and getting closer.  I make a date with the mainmast, hugging it tight. I wish I wasn't such a goddammed Buddist, so that I could have  somebody  to pray to to get me out of here.  I eventually realise that the crew are not actually panicking at all, but are desperately trying to get sail down.  They need to go up and down the mainmast, but they can't pry me off, so they just climb over me, using my head and shoulders as steps.  Then, the engine cuts out...  
    torture  2002  my friends torture me. they tickle me, nibble random parts of my body, anything - to try and get me to scream. they say that i'm destined to be a porn star. everything i say somehow holds innuendo and i still say it's all in their heads. the lowbrow? i can't do this on command. if i consciously try to 'fake it', it's obvious - it only appears real if i'm being 'tortured'.  ~r   
  so he says to me quote my wife thinks i dont like sex because i dont crave fucking her at every given drop of a dime and because i dont moan like im having my kidneys ripped out neither does she i wonder if she fucking someone else she probably is burbon rocks endquote  cant decide whether he felt bad because his wife was cheating on him or because he had driven her to someone else because he isnt a histrionic poinker       
  I was at whitehouse.gov looking around trying to under the colored alerts of terrorists and whatnot. I then see link that says: Kids Only.   I wanted to click it but I got worried I'd get caught.  I'm 21. I'm no kid these days.   
  True story:  So my roomate and I are coming back to the dorms after a midnight Safeway run.  I take a wrong turn, wind up on the lawn of the library, and proceed to tear a huge patch out of the grass just as UPD pulls up.  I back the fuck out of there, and actually make it a few blocks away before another cop pulls me over for stopping where there was no stop sign (hey, I was lost).  He approaches the car, and asks me if I have been drinking (I was completely sober).  My response:  "No, officer, I'm not drunk, I'm normally this stupid."  No ticket, nothing.  Incident never even went on the books.  I think that was my greatest moment to date.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Looking around the company bathroom in need of relief, i saw the new men's urinal set in the middle of the room.  Round and deep, I tried to figure out how the damn thing flushed.  Noticed a lever at the bottom, and stepped on it.  Aha, that's how.  As I began to let the yellow stream flow, a fella came in.  He looked at me, and I nodded back in acknowledgment, and I beamed him a short grin as I proceeded with my business.  He didn't smile back, came up to the urinal, stepped on the lever, and began washing his hands.       
  drinking with the room mates.  one of the girls from upstairs decides to come down and have some beers with us an hour or two later, we are all shithammered.  Salty decides it's a good time to sport the swimming goggles.  Said upstairs neighbor says to him "hey, wanna come upstairs and see my goggles? i have some just like those!" they go upstairs, and he gets some.  ... "wanna see my goggles?" what kinda pickup line is that shit?  
   I knew i'd be having fun when the first few things the girl i met told me was that her boyfriend looks like Waldo, and that her phone number spells out OK I BT FK.  
  Coming Home From Chicago, Part Two  We stopped to eat at some godforsaken Arby's in the middle of nowhere - Rensselaer, Indiana, I think.  The staff was gathered in horror at the fresh turdloaf some enterprising diner had managed to lay on the carpet in the middle of the dining room - in complete stealth, no less.  Needless to say, I was upset that I had *just* missed meeting some other Lowbrower.  Was that you?  
   Sometimes i find myself going to the bathroom during intermission just because i have nothing else to do, and want to look busy.     I go the urinal and unzip, even though i dont have to piss at all.  The reverend is going in the one next ot me.  I cant get anything to come out.  He looks over.     He finishes and goes to wash his hands.  I look back and hes staring at me in the mirror. Damn. I wont lose.     I was going to stand at the urinal, doing nothing, until he leaves. About 5 minutes after i first started attempting to piss, i zipped up in shame and left the bathroom        He didnt seem to want to leave.  
  One night as a youngster on vacation in LA i had over heard a conversation from my parents.  They were of course talking late at night about my problem of urinating the bed each night.  Embarresed I just layed there and faked sleep, but of course I still overheard the conversation.  Eventualy it led to the topic of electric shock thereapy.  I never pissed the bed again.  I was 9.  
  The first lowbrow thing I posted was about the nasty cute law student we have living with us, and how I hooked up her computer camera so she's sharing it with the whole house, and doesnt know it. Weve had a great time in my room watching her get herself off to online porn. Only her camera is crappy, but we discovered her birthday is coming up, so were going to club together to get her a better camera, one with remote control zoom We'll make sure to disable the LED that shows when the camera is on. We'll cover our asses by installing some of that software that lets her talk to her parents on video. She'll probably be really happy with her present. So will we!  
  I had a particulary low series of months between January and April. In New Haven, the homeless people don't just ask for change, they tell you their life story. One comes up to me as I'm leaving a bar (where all my drinks were bought for me, as I was unemployed) and begins his spiel.  "Want to hear my story?" I ask.  "This is why I can't give you money. My girlfriend left me and moved across the country. I spent some time in the psych ward. I lost my job and failed out of school and now I'm broke and can't even afford cigarettes."  He put his arm around me and offered me money.  
  LowBrow restaurant review from the New York Times: "The In-N-Out menu offers four items: hamburger, cheeseburger, Double-Double burger and fries. (That Double Double, at 670 calories and 41 grams of fat, is basically a coronary thrombosis on a gently toasted bun.)"  
  This story really only has an impact if you know my parents, which you probably don't. lol.  So It's Friday night, about 10pm. My brother arrives at our house (he's older and moved out long ago), me, him and my sister have planned to take my sister driving. So we start driving, for at least ten hours. After speeding through a foggy midnight road, we reach SOMETHING that can tell us where we are. Unfortunately, for us, it's the US - Canada border.  So we drive along the border. There are about 50 empty roads that we can choose from. We pick one, at random. My bro gets out and my sis gets in the front seat. We're going at about 10k, she's not touching the gas. A car drives by, sister freaks out. Tsk tsk. So There's a building up ahead. In the parking lot, there's a cop car. I look at my watch, it's 1:30, it's been illegal for my sister to drive since midnight. So my brother figures it's no big deal, tells her to park, they switch. The cop gets out of the car and walks towards us. As it turns out, the building we pulled into was a Chicken Factory (yes, a factory) that had just been robbed*. They thought we were the getaway car. So we tell them what we were doing, and he takes our liscences back to his car, just in case. As he walks away, my brother informs us that his liscence expired over six months ago. Of course, as most cops in Canada are nice, they usually overlook it. And this cop did so. He lets us go, and we are almost out of the parking lot, when their lights start blinking. So this bitch partner of his has seen that my bro's liscence is exp'd. She tells him, he can't "not see it" so we're stuck, at the border, alone. We live far away from the border, and if you are a regular lowbrow user, you have probably seen one or two stories about my mother's wrath. Where the hell were we going to go?? The cop's can't bloody drive us home!! So we leave the car there, get them to drive us to one of my brother's friend's houses. All the way there, that bitch is whining, but I wasn't paying attention. I was listening to the radio. By the border, there was this huge car chase, helicopters, and spike belts. And "Bitchy McDetails" and her friend are sitting around in a parking lot of a chicken factory that got robbed over three hours ago. I slept on the floor. My mother never found out. So I suppose it's a happy ending. But I didn't play any video games, or have any kind of party. Whine whine yeah yeah, fuck you puppet.  *Who the hell would rob a chicken factory???  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         GRR. My dad is a moron. An absolute moron with NO taste whatsoever. I cringed when he bought a bunch of pink flamingos and put them in the beautiful flowerbeds around the house... And promptly kicked them all over and blamed the wind. Those babies have been "mysteriously" disappearing one by one... Damn pink flamingo stealing motorcycle gang [wink wink].  It gets worse.   Now, he is going through a "must decorate everything with ships and sailor stuff", so the house looks like some tawdry whore ripoff of 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'.  Today, he bought 2 'old world' signs. One says "Bait and Tackle"... and the other says "The Crab Shack" with a huge fucking crab on the front of the damn thing. GOD HELP ME. I don't want ppl coming over to visit, they are going to think my family is Pro-STD or something! GRR. Quick, I need to come up with a plan to make those signs mysteriously vanish! Hmm...  "We gots yer crabs. And we like um" -- The Pink Flamingo and Crab Sign Stealing Motorcycle Gang.   --P.S. Yer little Christmas time village that is STILL set up on the tv is next. Arrr, matey!         
  I used to live in Stonestown. Paid way too much for a 653 sq. foot apt. I shared it with two other dudes. Matt and Mike.  The bedroom had bunk beds and a twin bed. I had the bottom bunk, Mike had the top, and Matt had the twin.  One night, Mike comes home drunk with two chicks. One chick goes right to bed in the living room. Mike proceeds to ask me for the keys to my truck, so he can fuck the fat bitch in the cab. I reluctantly agree.  Two hours later, they come back in. Mike tries to pass this drunk fat chick on to my and matt (matt has girlfriend). WE ARE LIKE HELL NO!  So matt and Mike in the living room discussing shit, and the fat bitch is in mikes bed, above me, talking to me. She's trying to get to sleep with me. I very blatantly tell her that's she's 1)very drunk 2) smells like ass and needs shower and 3)she already slept with Mike and thats enough in it's self to say no.  Two hours later I wake to the a gentle rythm moving the bed. A little squeek would happen at a giving interval. THEY WERE FUCKING 3 FEET OVER MY HEAD! She's a big girl, what if the bed fell?  Mike moved out 3 months after that. Matt and I hid about 4 dozen sheets of paper all over the house in his things, in cabinets, in books, and anywhere else he might look.  They read, "Mike Fucked a Fattie"  
  my girlfriend keeps telling me that she could never even think of sleeping with someone else while she is dating me.  she waitsto hear me respond in turn and gets upset at my silence.  i've never cheated on anyone...but the more she keeps bugging me about it, the more i want to fuck someone else.    
  I used to be the maintenance guy at this upscale grocery store.  I was in cleaning the bathroom - the mirror more specifically - when this extremely overweight individual walks up to the urinal behind me.  The interesting part was that he was backing up to the urinal.  He sat down on it, and began to take a shit.  As soon as I realized this, I got out of there as quickly as i could.  It was the end of my shift, so I punched out immediately, leaving it for my buddy who was just relieving me.  
  I have to sing the alphabet to myself so I can remember that  W  comes  after   V .  
  I'm picking up girls on the internet at the moment.  I'll tell you how I go.  
  i'm frightened that my life seems to have turned into a john hughes movie. but without the snappy soundtrack.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  i went to this party once, and gary brought his videocamera.  gary unwittingly captured himself getting smashed, which consisted mostly of:     3 separate liquor-bearing-entities feeding him shot after shot:   "here gary, have some JD."   "fuck man, i hate JD. that stuff tastes like shit"  "come on gary, just one shot"  "... ok   godamn! that tasted like shit, i'm never doing that again"  and the same, again, 10 minutes later.  spiced with numerous one-liners like "i don't know half the shit i'm talkin'" and "i love you tessa, even though i'm really drunk" and "i don't even know what i'm looking at"  and of course the neverending "i have never been this fucked up in my LIFE! man... i am so fucked up!"  but the best part, was when he documented "how to take a shot," by pouring himself a shot of, you guessed it, JD. he spilled a little while pouring  he cleaned it up with french bread  and videotaped someone eating the same frenchbread seconds later.   he even caught some lesbians making out in the kitchen, on film.     and finally, at the end of the night, he spewed pink chunks all over himself and the carpet.   but this hilarious videotape, which we all watched while he was passed out in the tub,   combined with the fact that he had gotten stripped and spongebathed by two really cute lesbians,  led us to conclude that gary was a fucking genius.   
  My brother wiped his urine from the toilet seat with the towel hanging from the radiator. I yelled at him for this.  Took great delight in spotting him later that day drying himself off after a shower with the exact same towel.  
  Is it something about lowbrow or do people all over the world stick their roommates' toothbrushes up their asses?  I better be careful not to piss off my roommate - or else I better hide my toothbrush.  
  I like to masterbate at work, at my desk. It gets slow, and I really go to work.  
  pjaffe, sorry_e_e_.. you two make me sad.       
  Last night after a shouty argument with my wife over her worsening condition and spirit crushing, libido flattening medication I thought to myself "fuck this, I'm going to get shitcaked".   I went to the shop and bought a bottle of vodka, a bottle of lemonade and 3 tins of beer to warm me up for the vodka.  I drank the lot while watching TV and looking for comedy on the internet then fell asleep in my swivel office chair.  I don't remember waking up or going to bed, but when I came downstairs in the morning I noticed every single shoe in the house was perched on top of the two large radiators in the dining room, I didn't have to ask if I'd pissed in the shoe basket in the hall on my way to bed, I just knew I had done.    
  a drunken saturday night at the home studio at my friend's place we start talking about the subject of females who dont shave between their legs something I don't mind, as long as its at least trimmed my girlfriend at the time didn't even trim within 3 hours we had composed and recorded a song about women who need to shave their vaginas i played it for my girlfriend the next night she came over and was completely bald down there mission accomplished  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She walked through the dimly lit alley and on the other end a street. She went up to an apartment. She had this routine down. She knocked twice, and walked in. She pulled her pants down, bent over the couch. Here came Jimmy. He gives it to her up the rear, and then she leaves.         
  He threw the old, chipped up bowling ball as hard as he could. It sailed up into the sky high above the steep, busy road that eventually dead-ends onto  Superior Street in Duluth, some 3/4 of mile down.  The ball hung in eternity, slanted earthwards and hit the pavement with a slap that we would continue to hear, distantly, on each bounce back up into the air. As it did so, the science of velocity took on new dimensions: Each bounce produced higher and longer arcs and intensified speed.   Jesus, as one of the onlookers, exclaimed, I am sure glad no-one is on the road tonight.  The attempt to launch an old bowling ball down the hill with the goal of plopping it into Lake Superior was thwarted by an ancient Volkswagen Bug.   We watched a horror unfold.  Unconsciously we drew our arms and legs into our bodies...the kind of thing people do when they witness a tragedy.  The bug's human contents pulled up to the stop sign and, thinking an empty late night street, made a mousy attempt to verify any traffic. But he only looked left, down the hill.  Look right. Look right...some one whispered. Throat constricted.  As he pulled slowly out, the bomb made it's last fateful bounce. We couldn't hear it. The bug contents did.   As we sprinted away like track stars, we never were really sure of the fate of the bug and the ball.    Many weeks later, it was two of our guilty party that noticed an old, rusted yellow VW Bug, creeping to a stop sign. The passenger door had a perfect circular dent, dead in the center of the metal.   A perfect shot, one of them said.  As they walked away snickering, the bug sat at the stop sign for a very long time...somehow hesitant to move into traffic.   
  My friend and I went to a restaurant, called Pete and Elda's, where if you eat an entire Double Extra Large pizza by yourself, you get a t-shirt. We both weigh about 115 pounds, but we managed to each finish off one of the approximately 2-foot diameter pies. It was so cold and congealed and disgusting by the end that we had to chase the last few slices with a plate of vanilla ice cream. I am very proud of this accomplishment, but...never again.  
  "Ever worry that someone has put semen in your shampoo, and you dont notice becuase it looks exactly the same?"  I think about that every time I shower. You never know whether one of those Essences is really man-herb.   Christ be with us.  
  university was a truly enlightening experience. i was a student for six years, and in that time i had eight abortions, my mother died twice, my favourite aunt fell stricken with cancer, aids and a truck, my parents went through a nasty divorce every semester, i suffered chronic glandular fever that could flare at any moment, and my brother lost a limb while trawling in Darwin. i came out with honours and apt skills in doctoring doctors notes. school taught me to understand consciousness, question morality, observe the order of nature and then twist it into my desired form. to pass. today, i feel i am definately a better person for it.  
  I just realized that I would never hit a girl, unless she was a ninja or had just shot a friend or loved one to death.   I also realized that many men do not share this view.  Women must learn how to fight. It is the only thing a lot of men understand.   TIP: Any self-defense class teaching you to always strike at the nuts should be disregarded. Us guys guard those things like a pair of Holy Grails, and you are NOT getting at them without beating some ass FIRST.  I hope this helps.  
  This one time I was really wasted at our local bar hangout.  There was four of us.  I think we wanted to get drunk that night quick, so we skipped beer and went straight to shots.  Well one of the guys is a compulsive gambler.  Compulsive gamblers can either be really talkitive and annoying, or they can be really funny when they lose.  Anyway, I normally don't have that much money... but that night I was hitting some really tough bets.  This guy got so despearate that I gave him the oppertunity to get all his money back.  Overtime happened in the football game and they flip a coin to see who kicks off.  Well I said double or nothing you pick the coin flip.  If he won, he gets back all the money he lost that night,  if he lost, since he was out of money, I said he had to take a bite out of the urinal cake (those pink ones at the bottom of the stand up pissers)  Well, sadly, he lost... the broken shell of a man marched into the bathroom with three other guys trying hard to contain their laughter.  He reached into the urinal and scooped it up.  We could all see that pain in his eyes, hoping that we'd bail him out at the last minute... the thing is we didn't like the fuck... he was annoying and talked too much (remember)  So he took a small bite out of it and the look on that guys face was priceless.  His face then turned a weird color of red and purple and ran into one of the stalls and puked for the rest of the night.  That's not the worst part...  Apparently those urnial cakes weren't meant to be eaten.  The guy came over with a nasty case of posioning.  He actually had to go to the hospital to hospital where they induced vomited quite a few times.  He said he passed out so much at the hospital and can't remember how much they made him puke.  Man, that is sweet justice to that asshole.  
   //Start rant here  Just a little note to the people out there that think college students are lazy etc...  I'm working 20 hrs a week, plus 18 hrs worth of lectures/labs.  On top of that I put in about 20 hours of study at home.  This leaves me with sweet f.a. time for myself.  Thats cool, my decision.  I chose to keep studying.  But it'd be bloody nice if the people i work with got off my back about only working part time hours.  I guess thats the point of this little rant.  Its 4 am and i'm sitting here pounding out code, trying to make the damn shit run properly, while he's in bed, snoring soundly.  I've got to be in class in a bit over 4 hours.  Can't see me getting ANY sleep tonight.  But tomorrow they'll shake their heads again about the "part time workers - i dunno, come and go as you please(whinge moan)"  //end of rant //back to work  
  Once, during a late-night pub crawl in downtown Montreal, I stepped onboard a bus that was going to Ottowa. All the people on the bus wanted me to come with them, and I would have if my friends hadn't dragged me off.        
        I must admit I was frightened to go to the prom.  My penis is the size of my little brother's pinky.  Well.. I'll admit it now..  My penis weeps.  It weeps because it doesnt get anything.  It weeps pre-ejaculatory emissions.  But tonight is prom night.  Things will be different.  My _oh_ so small penis will get action.    if this bitch doesnt like my miniture penis, I'm gonna rip her fucking eyes out and skull fuck her with a broomstick.  Take that you small hating hoe.   --   well.. lets just wait and see.  
  One buddy, gloating: You know, everything's bigger in Texas.  Other buddy, under his breath: Including the assholes.   
  Two of my friends were discussing the situation between another of our friends and his girlfriend.  They had only been going out for 2 weeks but it looked as if it would soon be over because the girl was getting all paranoid over nothing.  My contribution to this serious discussion;  "Hey, if it does all go wrong at least he got a week of near constant shagging out of it."  They stared at me blankly. Apparently that isn't the point.  
  Some of my favorite odors are ear wax, bus and plane fumes, gardinias, and the smell of skunk.    The worst odor I can think of is microwave popcorn. That stuff really smells horrible and you can never get the odor out.  
  last night after i got home ripped i ate:  4 pieces popeyes chicken 1 large red beans and rice 1/2 box hot cheez-its 3 nectarines 1 large bowl cereal  i weigh 160 lbs  
   I was sitting at my usual drinking hole nonchalantly sipping whiskey while a little voice in the back of my head prayed to every god it could imagine a name for that the girl less than a foot to my left wouldn't recognize my face.  
  Back when I was 17, in the August of 99, I went to Japan for the first time, on my own. While I was there, I went to Kyoto for a few days. It's a beautiful city, with temples, shrines, and buildings that date back over a thousand years. I was struck by the sheer majesty of the ancient and proud culture. It was an amazing experience.  Then, one night when I was out late searching for food, I came across a semi-circle of vending machines. From left to right, there were 2 soda machines, 2 cigarette machines, a machine with porno vids, a machine with porno mags, a machine that vended the infamous schoolgirl panties, as well as panties with the pictures and phone numbers of local prostitutes enclosed, and another soda machine.  I said fuck the rich and beautiful culture, bought a calpis, a pack of mild seven lights, and a schoolgirl bondage mag, then went back to my hotel room and beat off for the next 36 hours.  God I love Japan...  ~TheLiquorman  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "...For fuck sakes" I said...  "My, aren't we a ray of fucking sunshine she said"  My fake bad mood was immediately spoiled.        
  Me and the director had wrapped a shoot that night, we decided the best place to hold the party was a Karaoke bar in Montreal. After shooting for 19 hours a day for an extended period we withdrew into the bathroom to do lines off the back of the toilette seat.  With one quick jesture he licked his finger, wipped the remains and rubbed it into his bottom gums.  ``That`s the best part..`` he exclaimed with a clenced jaw...I looked at him, i glanced at the toilette, i thought to myself `Damn i feel bad for the sorry bitch he`s going to pick up tonight`!!   
  When I'm really, really high, I like to get naked, turn all the lights out, and lie in bed masturbating while listening to rave music in my headphones while staring at my digital alarm clock.  
  You know you masturbate too much when you get an anticipatory erection from putting on hand lotion.  
  I have $20 in Taco Bell "Taco Bucks" lunch will rule this day!!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was trying to tell my friend something and he interrupted me, saying "well, la-dee-frickin-da!" to which i replied adamantly "LaDeeFrickinDa is a dirty ho!" (sorry hon...the dirty is gratuitus i know) just another instance of lowbrow spilling over into my real life.  
  I was really into this girl, she was really into me. She had said so. We sent each other emails. She was religious, we talked about the concept of God. Everything I said made her juicy. She said I should go to a church to cultivate a relationship with god. I told her I thought churches, basically any large institutions, were hypocritical in nature and I would never set foot in a church.  She never emailed me again. Another fucking email was too much effort to try to save my soul from eternal damnation? Man, when I hook up, I want it to be with someone who would try more than once.  
  There used to be this homeless lady who panhandled on Castro street. She was sort of crippled and maybe a bit retarded. Whenever anyone gave her money, she would scream, "Oh THANK you, Baby." I'd have given her money, but I didn't want her to scream at me. One day, she was getting on the 33 bus and she puked all over the stairs and the thing you're supposed to put the money in. The driver picked up his radio and said, "I've got a hot lunch at 18th and Castro."  
  A Brazilian friend and I compare our favourite toasts.  I always thought the Scots had all the best toasts. After all, they use them more often than most nationalities.  I was wrong.  I cannot remember (nor could I spell) the original Portugese, but here's the translation:   May our wives never be widowed  May our children never have the faces of our neighbours  May our dicks always be harder than our lives   
  A xylophone was represented clearly on the sound system.  Muted hornsplayed by real, live musicians came from the room in back.  "Is that livemusic? I like the stuff on the stereo better."  The bartender walked to theregister.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  i was rolling balls at a private afterparty.  i had sold 7 pills to the singer and six of his friends.  the night was going just brilliantly until early that morning he said "you know, you really freaked out that girl when you shoved your hand down her pants."  "sorry," i said.  "her ass-crack just looked so... inviting."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hamsters and other small rodents are not for sticking in your bum.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "No, I never had sex with an animal. Not by your definition of sex... Define sex."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I overheard my 3 year old daughter and her mother talking in the bathroom,  Is it your turn to wear a diaper?   How have 28 days slipped by so quickly?  
  I saw a few posts about how much money people have invested in their porn collection.  So people with Internet access still pay for porn?  That's lowbrow on a whole other level.  
  All my life, my parents have put me through private school. Not because we're rich, because we aren't. But because they always thought education was important.  They scrimped and saved and didn't eat just to afford the swanky day school I went to, then the ultra elite boarding school.  At 14, I decided I wasn't going to college. That I'd finish high school and be a stripper.  Only thing that kept my from it was my father telling me I had a "Tuesday Afternoon" body, not a "Friday Night" body.  Damn. Back to the books, I suppose.  
  My immediate thought when I checked the toilet paper after wiping and saw the beautifully interwined streaks of bright red endometrium lining and the green remanents of last night's spinach salad:  "Hmm...it's just like Christmas!"  
  Once I knew some buddy's that worked at an auto parts store.  It was always really windy there in the shopping center.  It wasn't a very rare sight to see shopping carts being pushed by the wind full speed out onto the road and down the street.  One day I guess something blew pretty hard and smashed out one of the windows in the front of the store.  They swept up all the glass and put Caution tape around the area.  Well a friend and I thought it would be pretty funny to run down to the store and buy some chalk and make a body outline in the taped off area.  I heard different stories for months about how the place got, "sprayed".  
   I chased a whole pizza with a bottle of Jager and 4 beers. An hour later, the pizza was chasing the alcohol towards the toilet.   
  February 16th is coming up again, my 21st birthday  I wonder if I can possibly top off last years retardedness.  Here's what I have to beat:  1) Drinking almost two mad dogs  2) Falling over in a lawn chair and hitting my head on a glass coffee table  3) Throwing up for what I'm told was a few hours  4) Scaring the shit out of my friends who thought i was going to die.  5) Only remembering getting presents and getting drunk  6) Not remembering the puking all over my friends house and peoples clothes   The countdown begins  
  I got an email from t.jay today.  It made my entire night.  Besides the hot sex I just had, I mean.  
  Earlier on the same evening I fired my new buddy for being too high-maintenance, I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Chris: "Are you dumping me? We own the table!" Insecure fuck. I tell him I'm going to get some cigarettes. I walk out the back door. Zero-tolerance weekend in town, so two police cruisers are sitting right in front of me with their Christmas lights on, harrassing some poor guy who didn't belt up before he backed out of his parking space. I'm a long way from being drunk, but there's an unexpected ledge just outside the door. For the second time, I go sprawling on my face in a dirty, gravelly alley. I get up. At least this time my face is not bleeding, but my hands and elbows are, and another good shirt is ruined. The cops both know me, and laugh their asses off. I make a mental note to walk home, tonight.  
  One time i was reading moments from lowbrow when i reloaded a story about a man and his tape worms. He decided to offer mints infected with tape worm eggs. I realized to myself "there are some pretty shitty people in this world." From this day forth, i will no longer except when someone asks "want a mint?"  "thanks but no thanks" :)  
  So I was really drunk and in the hotel hallway screaming at the top of my lungs the theme song to mission impossible.  Not thinking anything of it I started pretending i was a spy, running up and down the halls doing ninja rolls and pretending to hide behind doors.  Then it hit me, I thought "it would be really embarassing if someone saw me doing this".  And the hotel manager was right there, watching me.  Sleeping in my car isn't something I would reccomend to a friend.  
  So I had just burped, a really good one, alone, in my room, and it was tasting pretty gross.. so I look around the room for something to eat to get the taste out of my mouth. I finally find some christmas candy from last year I never ate, and it's almost christmas, so this stuff is a year old or more. I open a hershey's choclate Santa and some of the chocolate is discolored, and I wonder to myself? Is this mold? Does year-old chocolate go bad?  So I pick up a Reeses Christmas Tree and eat that instead.. then I think.. I know peanut butter must go bad after a year..  
  I was fucking my boyfriend in this cheap hotel out near downtown (I won't say which one) when he gets this crazy idea to do a 69 standing up. Now he's pretty strong, so he's able to lift my 110lb self with no problems and hold me there while he eats me out. Anyhow, to make a long and interesting story short, after he came in my mouth, he piledrives me into the floor. This renders me unconcious for several hours. When I wake up, I find myself alone in the hotel room, naked, and my boyfriend gone.  We're still going out...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Found a basketball in my front yard. Took it around back, cut a hole in it, filled it up most of the way with water, superglued the hole closed. Left it back on the front yard where I found it.  And when the kid who lost it tried to dribble it when he discovered where he'd left it, I could hearing the bitching all the way upstairs.  
  I just discovered that I can twist my dick a full 360&deg;.  Not like in a loop, but longitudinally.  I also discovered that, not only does it not hurt, I can still piss while I'm twisting it.  Fuck, am I tired of being at work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I looked up in horror just in time to see the retiree-smellimg of mothballs-throw his wheelchair into high gear and proceed to run me over.  When I finally sat up he was yelling at me.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting in World Religions, stoned beyond the ability to feign sobriety, I inhale over my fingers to realize  I can still smell this morning's masturbation on my finger.   Gods, I love being a woman.  
  Intoxicated way beyond the point of deceny, he lurched into the Ithaca pizza shop and ordered two slices, plain cheese. People couldn't help staring at the poor guy because he was making such a fool of himself.  He sat down to eat his pizza. Before this poor devil could take a bite, he blacked out and slumped over in his chair. The impact of his face hitting the table was cushioned slighty by a mozzerella landing pad. The constabulary was called in, and when two of Ithaca's finest arrived on the scene, our man was still unconscious, wallowing in a facefull of pizza.  A pitcher of ice water was graciously offered up by the shopowner, reluctantly accepted by one of the officers, and unceremoniously dumped on the dude's head. It woke him up a little, but not to the cops' satisfaction. They grabbed him brusquely by the shoulders and gave him a violent shaking.  He became semiconcious for a moment and took in the scene with half-lidded eyes: He was in a crowded pizza shop. Everyone in the joint was watching him intently. He was being manhandled by two large fellows in uniforms.  Overwhelmed, he gasped for breath and let out a battle cry that still haunts me to this day: "Suck ass, baby!"  Why was I the only one in the pizza shop who found that exclamation profoundly amusing?   
  Ya know...I've read several stories about whacking it off into a sock, but thought I didn't *actually* know anyone that did "that sort of thing."  UNTIL a few days ago, I was washing my boyfriend's laundry and had to turn one of his socks right-side-out.  His sock was really hard and I went in to investigate.  I saw traces of that shiny-when-dry substance all over his sock.  That was when I realized my boyfriend does "that sort of thing."  Something even lower than picking at his crusty sock...I wanted to be 100% sure that it actually was jizz and not some other mysterious crap and ALMOST licked the damn dirty sock just to see if it tasted like it.  Now reflecting back on the discovery...I sure as hell hope that he only does that right before a shower and not right before I give him a blow job.  
  Everyone else posts their conquers/conquests....so here i go...  You know when you get home from the bars and look in the mirror and think to yourself, "damn, no wonder i didn't get laid", That you might need to reevaluate your life. I'm not positive, but i am thinking that i am right for once....definately not a good  sign.    
  Did you know that 59.736% of all statistics are made up on the spot?   You heard what I said, 62.485%  
  Funniest thing i heard tonight : "Smell my fingers.. do they smell like butt?"  I find out later they're smokers..   
  So many times at work, whether making coffee, talking to the process operators, whatever, the guys would ask me, "You cold?"  "Well, no" I answered, "Why?" All of them without exception would say, "Just wondering."  As old as I was (and am) at the time, I had no idea they were referring to my very sensitive and erect nipples.  
  I had just gotten off one of those really long steep water slides (the ones that go about 3 stories up and slant at about 45 degrees) at disney world. My ass hurt like hell and since I had just had a five course breakfast I knew I was going to puke.   Then the hot girl that had been behind me got up from the slide with one tit hanging out of her bikini. In order to avoid the crowd of people staring at her, she walked the other way - right toward me. This took my mind off of things for a few seconds as she came closer, looking down trying to fix her bikini. Then she looked up all of a sudden, kind of caught me by surpirse, and in my sickened stupor I puked all over her foot.   The three friends I was with still talk about it. I think she posted on this site.   
  My girlfriend rear-ended a car on the highway, around 40 miles an hour.  The kid's parents were taking him home from the hospital where he had just gone through intensive brain surgery.  
  when i first started driving my car my dad, before he handed me the keys for the first time said "i have some advice for you..." so i said, "all right, shoot!"  "see, ok,...when you drive...er....well, don't have sex in the backseat of a car ....because, well...see gravity...welll .....it tips things...you know?  and well, there's a higher chance of pregnancy.... when you ...er... have sex in the back seat of a car....so...er   don't ...do it...ok?"  and i just blinked, and then i laughed a lot.  i've never seen the man squirm as much before in my life!  so there!  advice for all you exuberent youths out there :)        
  Damn dodgy ISP and the cannot find server messages.  If this multiple posts, sorry in advance:  I was back at home and was about to get a box of Q-Tips from my parents' bathroom.  Turns out I caught them in the middle of foreplay.  Although it's a harrowing experience to have a full view of your father's erect penis, it's somewhat satisfying to come from a situation like that knowing that you're a good one or two inches more hung than your dad.  
  "When you turn 21 i'm gonna give your your first blowjob!" she exclaimed i've recieved many a hummer before so i pondered this for quite some time it was only later did i learn that  1.she did not mean oral sex 2.she is a bartender and a blowjob is a mixed drink fuck  
  My Limerick:  There once was a man from New York, Who ate nothing but pork, His heart exploded, His body eroded, In his hand he still clutched a fork.  I wrote it when I was in Seventh grade. Now I'm in college. I still use it...   
  I'm out and about on the town with my girlfriend today. She just happens to be wearing an extremely short skirt (to die for). Only problem is that everytime she sits down, the thing rides up her ass and she sits bare flesh on whatever the surface beneath her is. I pity her beautiful bottom and offer up one of my newly acquired pants (just bought them whilst shopping). She grudgingly accepts and seats herself on them. At this point, we're on our way home, riding the city bus. When we get to my stop, I get up and start walking away then remember her temporary shielding against harassing bus seats. Not thinking, I yell back at her "WAIT! I NEED MY PANTS!" If looks could kill, that little old lady in the back would have been charged with murder...  
  We have a braille menu at the resturaunt where I work.  Someone used magic marker to cross an item off.      
  i just could not get him off no matter what i did  suck lick kiss stroke suck some more you name it  i guess these things happen when your subject masturbates so much that his hand becomes the only thing that works for him anymore  gave up and made him jerk off in front of me instead  better him than me i suppose  
  five am... i doubt it was my idea that she come home with us, as she was not that attractive... regardless, though, she did, and on the way, my brother felt her up.  when we got back to my apartment, he went to bed right away, and she started making out with me.  which was good.  and i asked her if she would like to go to bed and she said yes, but had to go to the bathroom first.  "i'll meet you there," she said.  and then i woke up, next to her, fully clothed. i just hope she realizes that not all strangers she could go home with are as innocent (and apathetic) as we are.  
  I went to the holocaust memorial in Washington DC this past Fall.  While  I was walking around I noticed I was getting a lot of dirty looks from young and old people alike.  I could not figure out why.  Then I realized that my attire probably had something to do with it.  I was dressed nice and hip  only, part of my hip attire was a vintage German army jacket with German flags on the sleeves.  Ooops.    
  Years ago, while visiting L.A. I got a blow job from a hot little latina hooker on Santa Monica BLVD.  About 1 year later I was watching COPS on TV and saw her get arrested.  Trouble was, it turns out Santa Monica BLVD is where the transexual and hermaphrodyte hookers hung out.  I can laugh now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a kid I would always go to the playground, sit on top of the merry-go-round, and watch the white trash family next to the playground beath the Hell out of each other.  That lady had a mean purse swing, I can tell you that.  
  It has been ten years and I still wish I had handled it differently.  She was good looking. Had a body to die for. Was actually proud of her versatility in bed. She was fascinated by my dick. The fastest way for her to come: Suck my dick until she went crazy. Then she would hop on top and drive herself to a debilitating orgasm.  Why did I let her slip away? I was still getting over a motorcycle accident. I was having problems at work. But the real reason is that she taught first grade and she talked to me like I was six years old.  
  Out of nowhere my brother walks up to me and asks about my views on prisons.  My answer was simple, and sane.  His was not.  His idea to end prison over crowding was to turn the state of Montana into a prison state.  People were put in there and allowed to live as they would with little supervision.  I was stunned, but being baked at the time, I asked what he would do about them creating a society, about parole, end of sentencing, or over population in the state.  He looked at me.  IF they want out they can show up for their hearings, as for society and overcrowding, homicide convicts would go through intense treatment to turn them into raving lunatics.  They would then be sent into the state with spoons as weapons and allowed to go until the prisoners brought them down.    I was shocked, but not at the cruelty, savagery of what he suggested.  But that I could not refute the simple yet viable solution to prisons.  Even now, I cant find a flaw that cant be worked around.  
   Singing "Paradise City" drunk, topless, on my knees, and in front of a sizable crowd of people.       
  she couldnt touch "it". traumatic experience as a teenager, brought on by her own rebellious nautre.  suck "it" ? uh no, she would only liet it in a little ways, nowhere near enough to apply sucking.  but my navel ? oh sure, she'd constantly try and CLEAN my navel for me.  with her tongue.  
  I lived in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other guys.  We were in a band and it was cheap and practical.  That is, until one of the guys went dumpster diving and brought home scabies to some of the guys in the house.  One of the other guys had a nurse for a mom.  Quell cream all around.  I think the had to burn the couch, but I can't remember for sure.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am misguidedly trying to sell my motorhome. Thank goodness I didn't, because it's now my only home. Anyway, I get one of the bartenders at the BrewPub interested, because he's moving to Vail, COlorado, and he can't afford the ridiculous rents. I get home late one night, and just sit in my van in the dark for awhile, as I sometimes like to do, thinking about things. I hear footsteps coming up the driveway, and people talking. The bartender and his girlfriend walk past my van and examine my motorhome. He: "Hey, this looks pretty good! I could live in this for awhile. If the bastard would only come down on the price." They examine it in detail, and talk eagerly. It's 2am. I switch my headlights on. They jump about a yard high, and look really scared. I get out. I obviously have the advantage here: "Hi, you guys! The price is decent, and not negotiable." He didn't go for it, thank goodness, otherwise I'd be living in the garage...  
  Finding lowbrow has been the highlite of my year.  That's very sad...  Actually, I suppose that's very lowbrow  
  i always expected the ratio of backrubs to blowjobs in college would be a lot closer to, say, 5:1.  right now its something like 15:1.  these are not good odds.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so there's really only 3 of us in this story......my best friend from freshman year of college was about to be kicked out of the dorms for smoking pot in his room, but before he leaves he decides he's going to do something nasty to his roommate.  he comes up to my room the night before he has to be out, puts a 40 in my hands and we then go out and make asses of ourselves around town....when we get back i figure i should ask where he got the 40.  he says he stole it from his roommate's closet and i figured that stealing it was what we were doing to get back at his roommate....nope....getting him to drink 40oz. of apple juice and colt 45 mixed with a healthy dose of piss....that's what we did to get back at him  
  I was in the car with my buddy and he asked "Does anybody need to stop for anything?"    I responded " I want to stop in the name of love."  He told me that since he was my friend, he would slow down to 70 before he kicked me out of his car.    Some friend.  
  Adam West was Batman when I was a kid. To me, he was just a guy, although a very nice guy, running around in his underwear.  Later on, after I became an adult, I found out that while he was making the series, he nailed the incredible Julie Newmar aka The Catwoman, among many many other actresses and assorted camp followers.  Today, he's my hero.   
  my friend works at a convenience store, and hes alone after 2am. im 4 months away from being 'of age', (hes only 18, yet sells alcohol) so he tells me to come get some 'supplies' when hes alone so we can party later.   i go there, get some smirnoff's ice, and some white russians, and a big bottle of tequila. the time is 2:08.  i approach the counter, expecting him to pretend not to know me and ask for my id.   'dude, its against the law to sell alcoholic beverages after 1 am in this country.'  i had this terrible urge to just walk out, but i wanted to spare him filling out the 'beer run' paperwork.  
  10 posts on lowbrow i have yet to see one i must be more like sorry_e_e  
  I might have to start putting the date on my posts, because often after I do something, post it, and past drunkenly out, I don't really remember much and if I hit reload enough times, maybe I can find out just why my underwear is missing again.  
  My roommate's ex girlfriend and I had had a few too many drinks at a bar...I dragged her into the bathroom and locked the door.  She sucked me off to completion.  We fixed ourselves up and discretely left the bathroom together: Our little secret.  
  i got into a horrible accident when a female senior-citizen thought it would be a good idea to take her yappy shit of a terrier for a drive through a red light on Main Street.  i was at the same intersection at the same time and didn't even have a chance to slam on the brakes.    within hours i was barely well enough to make some calls, including one to the insurance company.    come to find out!---in what must have been a fit of panic, despite my witness, she is claiming that her light was green and that MINE was red.    i glance at the list of doctors i need to visit and the ambulance fees, then look down at the huge bruise across my chest from the seatbelt and can barely hear myself say   imfuckingpossible  it's been over a month now and i am looking over some files when i come across the police report.  how could i have overlooked that her full address is on the report?    i know people who i wouldn't even have to PAY to kidnap her dog, feed it acid, and shit in her mailbox.    just knowing that that's possible should subdue me, but i can get restless ... ...   
  So the guys in our apartment at school always ate me and Donald's food.  One night, Donald's piss-ass drunk and I give him the brilliant idea to take the leftover vodka (a good amount) and throw it into the empty Brita-Water filter thingy.  So he does ... the next morning, one of the guys eating all our food goes into the kitchen, grabs the Brita, pours a big glass of water and takes a big swig.  Didn't spit it out .. but was stunned at what he had just drank.  I just love thinking about him sitting in class as the vodka starts to hit him.  
  He eyed the can of America's Best Genuine Iced Coffee (the caffeine tallboy) with suspicion.    "Why do you drink that stuff?"  "Because it tastes good, that's why," I countered.  "Well, only the Cappuccino flavor tastes good enough that I can stand to drink three of them a day."  "I dunno, 45 ounces of that stuff...no wonder you're always nuts."  "Wanna taste it?" I asked, maybe a little too quickly.  He nodded, and furtively took the can, raised it to his lips, and took a small sip.  "Oh, man --" he said, scrunching his eyes closed and screwing his face into a pucker.  "It tastes like those candies, you know, the Werther's Original candy.  The butterscotch kind.   Tastes like liquified butterscotch candies.  Ugh."  He passed the can back to me, and I took a long slug.  "I like it fine.  It's yummy."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
       The porn star gathered  the guys together and told them that if they were going to fuck her in the ass, she tended to bear down a lot. After they were done, the couch where we sat to eat our lunch was all greasy.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was trying to say, "i'm bored, sick of your drama, and want to date this other girl who actually respects me rather than using me as a verbal punching bag, and besides, is a hell of a lot more attractive than you, and agrees that you're cold for not putting out, even on our 1 year anniversary."  instead i said, "i love you."  
  Let's see... Fresh into college, didn't know a soul. First resident party of the year. I was a clean cut guy, didn't smoke cig, pot or anything..(The occational beer of course)   Met up we some cool guys, one of them invited myself and another dude up to his room for a "private" drink. Ok, sounds good. Then all of a sudden he pulls out this beer bottle, it had a hole in it. Then he pulls out this chunk of black, starts cutting up in little dots... Take his cigarette, and dabs at these little black dots and cooks it in the bottle and hands it to me. (At this point I have to point out that I have never done any drugs before, I didn't even know what drugs looked like and from what I heard this might be acid...which is was not.)   So me being me, I thought what the hell... I took one, then two and then I was like up to 5 of these bots... AND then things started to warp inside my mind.   The one guy who invited us up to his room started to change, he looked like Charlie Brown and the other... A lizard Man, could even see the scales growing on his face.  I told them I could handle anymore and left, I lived right next door. They were abit worried that I wouldn't make it back in one piece. I reassured them I would be ok and left. Walked over next door. Walked up 4 flights of stairs, went to the bathroom, walked all the way back down to the entrance of the building just to make sure I was in the right one.  Morale of this story: Ignorance can be hell of lot of fun...   
  I walked into McDonald's far too early one Sunday morning, and realized that I'm allergic to every one of the damn breakfast combo meals. Holy freaking shit. That cracks me up. My body instinctively rejects the epitome of Americana.          
  I'm very poor, after 3 months of fruitless job searching, I finally broke down and applied at the local Wendy's.  I figure the upside is that I'll have plenty of lowbrow moments to post in the very near future.  
  I was driving in my car. I thought I had to fart. So I sqeezed one out. Butt it was liquid.   I wasn't sure if I had crapped myself. So I went to the bank. And stood in line. And I cashed a check.  When I got back to work, I went to the restroom to check. Sure enough. I had browned through my khakis.  I left work and went home to change.  
  i  came home from school sick and fell asleep for a little while.  when i woke up i decided to smoke a little weed and relax. i ended up getting all wierded out and cleaning my room.  now i feel even worse.  i don't think i'm a drug person.        
  I work at a restaraunt.  A couple months ago a tall well-groomed man with expensive looking clothing came up to our place and ordered a value meal.   I had no idea who he was until some of the chicks I work with starting screaming madly that he was a member of a certain boyband that will remain nameless.  He acted all cool and suave, and was actually pretty nice to me, but I knew what I had to do.  "Our cooks are a little slow tonight, I'll go make your sandwich for you dude."  "Whatever man, as long as it's good."  "It will be."  Every time I see him on TV I say to whoevers with me; "That millionaire right there whos creating an overwhelming amount of shitty music has eaten a large helping of my phlegmy spit on a spicy chicken sandwich."  "With fries and coke."   Damn I'm proud of that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         not mine, but he'll never tell it, so I will....  Single male, early thirties, has entire family over for Thanksgiving. Parents, Aunts, Uncles, neices, sister, in-laws... you get the picture.  He's cooking in the kitchen, neice wants to watch her Barney video, brother in-law turns on the TV, fuck channel comes blaring on, shot of a girl riding a dude and screaming her head off. Everyone stops and stares at the TV. Brother in-law has wrong remote, only shuts the vcr off, does nothing about the porn.  Friend has to run through kitchen, dining room, past all his relatives, jaws on the floor, checking out the last thing he had on TV before he shuts it off......  Dead Silence..........   lowbrow.....    
  Looking back, the most annoying thing my ex did was going through my mp3 collection the first time he ever visited my room.  I mean, I can accept the fact that I have the collected works of Bon Jovi on my computer but shouldn t that be something I tell him while drunk or at least after the fifth date?   In response, I now have a shameful mp3 folder.  Some people keep porn in their  other  folder   mine contains Paula Abdul s Rush Rush.   
  SPAM is short for SPiced hAM.  To know that is to be truely lowbrow....  
  [conversation overheard on Muni] "Excuse me, can you pull your pants up?"  "What?!?"  "I said, "can you pull your pants up?" Your ass is hanging out, and it's disgusting."  "Oh, sorry."        
  I went to my brother's house for a party, with the intention of starting my drinking years.  After his girlfriend puked a big splat from behind the bathroom door and pissed her pants, and after his best friend happily threw taco bell and hooch into the kitchen sink, while we all found out why you don't have sex in a studio, I laughed because finally somebody seemed worse than me.         
   Aah, The Old Innocent, Pre-Anthrax Days  Back in '93, I was at a nose-on-the-grindwheel working software convention in Santa Monica, CA. Suited me fine, since I was there on a mission and wanted to get work done. The ritzy hotel was right on the beach, with the Pacific Ocean lapping away. Only the second time I'd ever seen the Pacific. I had my nose in my work so much it was Friday before I ever set foot on sand. Anyway, I made friends with a Dutch guy, who was almost as much of a dweeb as I was. I mentioned that my old Dutch buddy from college had got me addicted to "Gestumpe Myces," which translates as "stomped mouse balls." It was actually an aniseed candy, which was sold as powder to sprinkle on buttered toast. Wonderful. He and I (and the Polynesian hula-girl who had somehow become attached to us at some point) had some great recreational evenings together, then we shook hands and parted. A month later, a package was delivered to my company. It was leaking large amounts of white powder. The postmark was Amsterdam. I'm surprised they let it through, even in '93. Maybe they tasted it and realized it wasn't actually cocaine. The deathly-cute secretary (we called her "Kleenex": use her once, and throw her away...) brought it to me, dubiously. I dabbed my finger in the spilling powder, tasted it, smiled widely, and offered her some. Way too much for her to handle. She ran out of there on her skinny colt-legs...  
  I just read a moment about some kids getting kicked out of BYU for going to vegas, getting married, fucking and then getting divorced. All I can say is LAWSUIT, LAWSUIT, LAWSUIT.  They sould fucking loose any financial aid they get from the government.  
  My friend and I were in the same class senior year of high school, and we talked about how this one girl looked like a guy all the time.  Last day of school before summer break, I was walking out of the building and saw her.  She said "Have a good summer"  and I replied:  "You too tough guy"  
  I was driving my Lexus up to my place in the Hamptons when I saw that five star restaraunt my fiancee and I had been meaning to go to. Unfortunately, she was still away at Yale, but I dined there anyway. The Filet Mignon was slightly overcooked, and the Chiante they suggested had a slightly more robust bouquet than I would have preferred.  Just kidding. Once, after shotgunning PBRs in my beat-to-shit, turd brown, GM truck, I ate some week-old (at least) french fries that I found behind the seat.   
  i got up all my 12-year-old guts to play a prank on the biggest bitch of a teacher i'd ever had - brought in chili powder for her coffee for april fools.  everyday, she'd have gallons of coffee just so she could cross the driveway to the teacher's building to get more coffee - away from us.  we always figured she drank it all. so i brought in the chili powder, stirred it in during drama, and watched and waited all day and nothing happened. she dumped it down the toilet without *tasting* it - what a waste of good effort. and chili powder.  
  I wake up at 1 PM, do absolutely nothing but click lowbrow and watch TV all day, not lifting a finger for anything else but food, yet I find myself yawning at 8.  Ah, summer for a friendless 16 year old.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Many years ago, I had a huge crush I my next door neighboor. She was 14, I was a mere 12. I grew up w/ her  We decided that summer to "fool around". I'd go to her place, her to mine, or where ever to engage in pleasant acts of sexual nature  One day as we made out, she suddenly stopped. She leaned back and asked me w/ a big smile on her face "Guess how many guys I've given blow jobs to?"  What's more lowbrow...her timing or the fact that I actaully guessed?  
  There's a local public service announcement on TV a lot lately, with teenagers woodenly proclaiming the evils of underage drinking. One boy says "it increases the chances of date rape"... And you can tell by the semi-regretful way he says it that he only wishes it were true.  
  My roommates   are stupid.  They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible.  They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters.  They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible FULL of Asian gangsters when it was PARKED.    They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters when it was PARKED RIGHT BELOW OUR APARTMENT BALCONY.    They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters when it was parked right below our apartment balcony AT NIGHT with the landlord watching.    No, noooo.  They did it a second time.    I wonder who's at the door?  
  I work in a secure government facility.  I am one of the hundreds of anonymous nerds who enter the building every day and then go into my little office, lock the door, and go about my work without any care or knowledge of what is going on around me.  The data center is in an adjacent building.    Both buildings are extremely secure, I have to show my ID to get into the parking lot, then swipe it and enter a code to get into my building, then repeat the process with a fingerprint added as well to get into my hall, and finally another seperate code and ym card to get into my small, windowless office.  The data center has a lot of people coming and going all the time, which is the reason for the physical seperation.  There is a seperate unsecured parking lot for visitors there, and no security until you get into the server halls themselves.  THey have been anal retentive about this place since I got here, often chastizing us for talking amon each other in the break room.  And, as I opened my door this morning, I heard a rustling sound under my floor.  I had requested a new network connection for a server that needed to have a direct connection to the switch, and the noise was the tech installing it.  He popped up a piece of my floor and said, "Hello, I'm Tim, here to put in your new connection."  I stared blankly for a few moments.  I then asked how he got under there.  It seems that the buildings have a common basement area, large enough to stand up in, and all the floors are really pop up panels.  Want to go to someone else's office unseen?  Go under the building.  Didn't remember your ID card?  Go to the visitors entrance and come through there from the Men's room.  I suddenly don't feel very secure.  
   i have a birthmark on my head about one inch long...it's sort of what it would look like if my teacher made me put my chewing gum on the top of my head, 4 inches above my ear.... anyways, i lament the fact that i can't shave my head, for fear of looking freakish and having little kids pick at my skull on the bus, thinking they hit the wrigley's spearmint goldmine        
  Olsen shots:  The Olsen twins have a cartoon that comes on Fox very early Sunday morning. (just about the time we usually get home from the clubs)  If you're not up (or still up) that early, tape it and watch it later.  It's more fun high, but that's optional. Everyone takes a shot of vodka whenever someone learns a valuable life lesson.  See, educational television can be fun!  
  I kissed the Blarney stone in Ireland.  It's meant to give you the gift of the gab.  Later that night I chatted up a nice Irish boy.    I got something in the gab.    And it wasn't a gift.  
  I just got hired to run an adult "bookstore" 4 nights a week. We have the little booths in th back where people can watch movies for tokens, which must be bought at the front desk.  I am so tempted, were in not for my possible over eagerness at the comment, when selling someone the tokens, to say: "Enjoy!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            The guy who refused to pay child support had 6 or 7 brand-new refrigerators on his front lawn.  "I just love refrigerators." he said with a smile.   
  After drinking a shit-load of wine and some beer, my best friend and two of his friends decide they want to ride bikes down to the beach.  So we all drunkenly ride bikes down there.  As soon as we get close to the water, I take off my shirt, throw it at my best friend, saying "Here, hold this" then proceed to do the same thing with my pants and then go skipping down into the water.   The boys stand motionless on the beach.  After 15 minutes of coaxing, they agree to also strip and come swim with me. It's a damn shame when the only chick in the group is also the only person with any yarbles.  
  this is another story about this guy I knew in highschool who was best friends with a real asshole.  the guy is at the asshole's house drinking and the asshole excuses himself to the bathroom. He returns after 5 or ten minutes and they continue drinking until the guy is completely fucking wasted. The asshole helps the guy outside so the guy can get on his bike and drunkenly peddle home.  What the guy doesn't notice until he gets home is that he is now covered in human shit smears and clods from the turds that the asshole deposited all over the guys bike earlier when he was supposedly in the 'bathroom'.  
  I like the word "Dickcissle"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my fat lard of a friend walks into a KFC restaurant (kentucky fried chicken) and orders a bucket of chicken, the cashier asks "what size bucket would you like", my friend reply's "i would like the one on the roof please"   
    Rush hour.                             The Commuter Train.                             The carriage is a 2-seater on the left, and a three-seater on the right.                             My station is the middle of the run. It is strategically placed.                              There are pleanty of open seats. I scan the carriage.                             Perfect symmetry. A lone person in all the the two-seaters; two people in all the three seaters with an empty space in the middle of the three-seaters.                             Desmond Morris would be proud! Human nature is so predictable.                             I choose a place in the middle of the carriage. The genrtleman by the window is buried in his Wall St. Journal. The dour, conservatively dressed woman on the aisle is tapping away at her computer, briefcase open, papers scattered.                             I approach and stop adjacent. She tries very hard to ignore the fact that I wish to sit down. She hopes I will go away.                             Which is absurd, because by the next stop, the carriage will be full.                             I politely say "Excuse me, may sit down?"                             She rolls her eyes, exhales a sigh as if her home has been foreclosed upon, and remarkably, rather than sliding over two feet, she juggles her notebook, her coffee, and her papers,  so that I sit in the middle.                              Who says humans are not territorial!!                             Perhaps I should say "thank you". But this is not my town, or my train, or my country, and so I provoke.                             And I say: "Isn't that fucking civic-minded! Why don't you just slide your ass over two feet instead of fucking rolling your eyes at me?!?                             It's funny how astonished people are at the word 'fuck' at 7:00am.                              Ahhhh, the joys of commuting.                                   
   Signs That Your Second Marriage Should End #12  This one just happened, and is  lots  of fun (so far...) (I know I post longish moments, but if you have more than a 1 minute attention span, a  splendid time is guaranteed for all.) Me, looking at the Weather Channel, which she has tuned in 24/7, unless she's watching "Law & Order": "Can I have some money?" She: "I don't have much." Me: "That's not what I asked." She: "Well! Perhaps that  is  what you should be asking, because I have lots of bills to pay, and you're not helping at all!" (I've been disabled for almost a year, and she's been making me beg for money the entire time.) Me: "Could you just say yes or no?" She: "Well, no. I have bills to pay!" Me: "OK, well, I'm going to borrow your car, since I don't have any gas." She: "Where are you going? When will you bring it back? I need it in the morning!" Me: "I don't know -- you don't tell me where you're going..."  I walk out. Ignore her screams of righteous outrage. Take her car. Drive over to my friend Patrick's house, stay awhile, leave ... but the car is gone. I walk home, and her car is in the driveway. Now for the fun part (I hope she and her daughter, who both know my lowbrow name, don't find this one  too  soon...) I slip into the car, start it up quietly, and back it out without turning on the lights. I park it several blocks away. I make sure to return the seat to her position, and I don't do anything nasty like resetting the odometer (major crime!), leaving the lights on, or leaving it unlocked (though I was tempted).  I expect to be awakened early tomorrow by a righteous, outraged, soon-to-be ex-wife, demanding to know where her car is.  I really do hate to tell lies, but I plan to plead innocence.  If that fails, I'll tell her: "I swear on my mother's grave that I didn't take it." Then she'll know for sure, because she recently swore on her mother's grave that she would give me all of a large check that I gave her to deposit (or the IRS would have snatched it), but then, righteously outraged, welched on.  Tune in tomorrow for the next episode.  
  Made an international call to have phone sex with a hot Scottish girl. Stayed on for over an hour and made her come twice.  God help me when the bill arrives.  What's lowbrow about that?  When I finally came she was just approaching her second orgasm. Instead of helping her along I fired up my browser and started flicking through lowbrow.  So I sat there with a girl moaning my name over the phone and I'm more interested in reading about bad masturbation and 'I shit myself' stories.  I bore easily after the fact.    
  2 Liters of Mountain Dew, $1.29 1 Sugar Cube of Acid, $10  Watching your jackass of a roommate trip his balls off and not know why...  priceless!  
  according to a recent poll, i'm the only girl in my dorm who has masturbated 5 times in 24 hours.  actually, i'm the only girl who admits to masturbating to orgasm.  
  My cool startup was just bought by the biggest asshole software company on the planet.  
  It was disappointing to find out my sister had reacted to motherhood in an odd way- she had become a Politically Correct Tightass.  I discovered this at Thanksgiving dinner, when I came downstairs and found her lecturing her 4 year old on the meaning of Thanksgiving.  As she lost him in the required "poor oppressed Native Americans" PC babble, he finally got in a question: "But where are the Indians NOW, mommy?"  And I answered for her: "we kicked their ass, took their land, and ran them off to live elsewhere, because we won! Never be ashamed of being part of the winning team." She turned purple. 1. Bet she never asks me to watch her kids. 2. Bet she never brings up the Jewish holocaust stuff either. Can't wait for Christmas.   
   mmph mmph a muffled cry for help i walked into the room i last saw him in he wasnt there mmmmmpppph opening the door to the bathroom i saw him wedged between the wall and the toilet horribly trapped with his face on the tiles he was passed out when i got to him seconds later led zeppelin out on the tiles playing over and over in my mind not a camera in sight        
  Once me and All my pals we're watching a movie and my (then) Girlfriend were Lying under a Blanket and she decides that now, of all times, would be a good time to give me a Handjob, Don't get me wrong, I'm all down for handjobs, especially when I don't see em coming, thats awesome, but like, uh what happens when I blow my load? how am I supposed to explain that? so Needless to say, I didn't get my handjob, because I made her stop and gave her a look like "now, of all Times," and now we've broken up, and She Gave great handjobs and I could go for one right now. Why is this lowbrow? Its not, I'm just Confused I mean, handjob is easy to get away with, But Semen all over my clothes would be a little difficult to explain      Stick a Fork in me, I'm done  
  "Lassie.  Hey, Lassie!"  the drunk kept hollering as only drunks can.  "I hate it when they call him Lassie" the boy leaned over to tell me. So does the dog.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  She was sitting next to me, before the movie, complaining about the cold. They hadn't turned on the heat in the theatre.  I unbutton the collar on my button-down shirt. "Getting Hotter?" I ask. She doesn't get it.  "Getting hotter?" as I unbutton another button, raising my eyebrows twice.  She got up and moved to a different seat  I didn't even know her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i came home drunk one nite. well, i come home drunk just about every nite. my parents caught me this time though. my mom is a writer and wrote an article about it. they made me go to an AA meeting. one of the leaders there was hitting on me. at about 2am last nite, i saw him at a gas station and went and talked to him. he was really drunk.  
  When I was young I got braces to close the David Letterman gap in my front teeth.  That's the only reason I got them.  We were on MedicAid at that time, so it didn't cost us anything (though it probably cost you something).  After I broke my second retainer, I decided not to get another.  That one was fucking cool!  It was green, and glowed in the dark if held to light for a while.  I had fun with that...  Genetics are stronger then cosmetics, and the gap slowly returned.  I usually don't mind.  Only when that one line if skin in the middle if my upper lip, on the inside gets caught.  I'm the only one to inherit that trait from my grandmother.  Without it, I couldn't shoot saliva like a spitting cobra.  Loogies are too thick, and my aim is getting better.  Thank you, grandma...  
  I let out a real floater of a fart in Chem class the other day. A nasty one, too. It moved forward, and I was at the back of the room, so it hit everyone in the two rows in front of me (5 guys) and just barely missed my friend right next to me. It was quasi-supernatural. I could practically see it moving through the air. First it hit the kid in front of me, who turned around waving a hand in front of his nose. I started to snicker when the kid next to him turned around to, and then the kid in front of him, and then the two guys in front of the first kid all turning around. They all knew who it came from because I was laughing my ass off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         alright, about ten minutes ago i almost got hit by a car in front of the dorm that i live in. my life didnt flash before my eyes, oh no...all i could think was, "jump so it doesnt break both your legs."...so, i jumped, and she managed to stop.  that bitch, she cost me free education for the next four years.  
  I moved to Texas last December and I can honestly say, without exageration, that I hate everything and everyone in a 2000 mile radius.  Not many people can say that.  
  my boss just told me that my hairstyle was unprofessional looking.  specifically, what she said was that i looked as if i'd just rolled out of bed and was headed for the laundromat.  bitch. like she should talk, with her lemon yellow shoddy bleach-jobbed shoulder length split-ended lanky tangled brushed-with-a-shoe hair.  i own a washer and dryer, you white trash whore.  
  When I was about eight I figured out that my mother looks a great deal like Gargamel, the villain from the Smurfs. I've been completely unable to shake the idea in the fourteen years since then.  
  I know Limbo. He posts here, you've seen him.  He was me ma's hubbie.  And he used to bitch to me how he hated reloading and so often seeing posts by e_e.  Now I come on here and read the lies he tells y'all. Not that they're all total bullshit, but most of it's just his way of jerking off in your face. Anonymously stickin' his ego-cock out into cyberspace for you to suck on.  Well, nowadays I run into his posts pretty frequent on my reloads. The irony of that does not escape me.  So I just wanted to say that these nifty folks that write the clever lines may be self-serving, immature, emotionally-arrested, alcoholic, petty, vengeful pricks.  But shit, that's the spirit of lowbrow, right? Suck on, Romans, suck on.  
  Searching for the great 80 s Canadian industrial band "Skinny Puppy" on various file-sharing-programs generates a long list videos of some dude calling himself "skinny puppy" fuxxoring lots of high-school girls in his apartment.  I have a love/hate relationship to that guy.  
  All bow ties and vest, the waiters fluttered around the upper class, soberpatrons.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This morning I spent my commute on a train that was packed with a bunch of preschool age children on their way to some sort of activity.  Part of this time was spent stuck in a tunnel.  The children just kept getting more and more restless.  I stood, back against the wall, head back, eyes shut, and the only way that I kept my cool was by repeating a little mantra to myself:  Thank god I'm gay......        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Okay, I just saw a moment that said your porn name is comprised of your dog's name and your street name.   As I have heard it, it's your middle name followed by your street name.   I used to be Martin Garvey, which I thought was pretty good, then I moved.  I am now Martin Park, and I'm not sure what to think about that.  My girlfriend would be  Lynn East Covered Bridge,  but I somehow don't think that works.  
  Here I am.    Just an ingrediant in a cake.   I dont even taste good...  why would anyone care about me.  "They dont."  replied the icing.   Fuck you nazi.    
  Reading lowbrow.com, see a disturbing story.  Think to yourself "woah, I'm glad I've never done anything like that", then realise that it was you that posted it.  
  I was sharing a house with a guy who was a real pisshead. He would come regularly come drunk & when he was drunk He got really hungary .One night he came back with one of those giant family size pizzas.You know the type, the ones you a pickup truck to transport. He proceeded to devour the pizza and actually finished it before passing out on the sofa. The empty  carton was in his lap & pizza debris all over his face & shirtfront.I decided to teach him a lesson. I got a couple of toilet rolls & bit great chunks out of them . I then doused them liberally with tomato sauce (ketchup)and left the reamins on the pizza tray.He came to the next morning before the rest of the house was up. He was so embarrassed that he did not come home drunk for at least a week .  
  Today i shit twice.  When i looked at the black stool in the toilet and then looked in the mirror, i saw a resemblance.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Grocery clerk entry #3:  The same people that are too fucking lazy to walk 50 feet to put their shopping carts back will shell out several hundred dollars a year for a fucking gym membership.  
  It's a long flight, it's a big airplane. There's lots of room to stretch, and a lot of people to talk to if you don't feel like sleeping. Soft plushy seats, warming calm glow. Nuturing hum of engines for eight hours' rest.  Then you realize; the chatty Euroshit fucker next to you has enough "alternative/unique" hardcore porno mags to get him across the whole fucking ocean and back again.  
  Working retail I'm always asked for discounts on stuff. This instance was no different. I glanced over the merchandise to determine how much off I'd take. It was 10 dollars, so I decided to take 2 dollars off.  "2 dollars?!?! That's it? At least give me the standard 10 percent. 2 Dollars is nothing!!"  What can I say? The customer is always right.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Only 7 years old, and at the zoo. In the area devoted to primates, I stare at a large gorilla in a cage. Amazingly, he comes right up to the perimeter of his enclosement, possibly 10 feet from me.  Needless to say, I am in awe.  We look each other in the eye for perhaps 45 seconds.  He then calmly reaches his hand under his ass and craps into it.  Suddenly, the great beast lurches his hand to his face, and rapidly rubs the shit all over his awesome visage.  A scary day for me.  
  We went to Blockbuster and rented Snatch, but returned it because my stupid friend couldn't understand the cockney accent. We got Private Parts instead.  Sexual Innuendo is sexual innuendo for "sexual in yo end, ho".  
  Karma story I badgered my poor russian grandmother who spoke poor english did not read or write to buy me an expensive (by her standards) an oil painting set when I was 7 years old. 3 kittens in a basket. I laid it on the picnic bench to dry and when I returned it was unrecognizable as the painting I had spent the last two days painting. When I asked my grandmother WHAT HAPPENED? She said she did not know and when she walked away there was a perfect imprint of 3 kittens in a basket on the back of her pleated skirt.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Aussie Slanguage - Key terms in no particular order.  ___  "Taking the piss"  ___  def: not unlike taking the mickey out of someone.   
  I needed something to read while on the can. Did you know that Colgate shaving foam has monoxynol 9 in it.  
  Overheard at a B&S ball in a rural area; "I'm on the blood, but u can have a go at me shitter"...that ladies and gentelmen is true love.  
  They filed in, one by one: the chick with electric blue hair (oh so obviously a wig), the lanky boy with lankier hair, the potbellied cokebottle glasses guy, the two Gap ad model rejects, the two that seemed out of place.  The fact that several of them were wearing t-shirts from software companies (jesus, one even had a shirt with a DOS prompt on it) made them instant targets of scorn and ridicule from the table full of hipsters across the room.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This was the first year since I left home that some member of my family hasn t sent me lottery tickets as a Christmas gift.  At first I hoped they had realized the redneck futility of fantasizing about unearned wealth.  Then I realized they had just forgotten this year.  
  Dead Bunnies Haiku # 12:  Dead bunnies galore Maggots having a field day My garden is safe   
  i was trying to tell my friend something and he interrupted me, saying "well, la-dee-frickin-da!" to which i replied adamantly "LaDeeFrickinDa is a dirty ho!" (sorry hon...the dirty is gratuitus i know) just another instance of lowbrow spilling over into my real life.  
  I once dated a guy who could get me off a lot faster if he talked to me about his political views.  It was pretty weird.    
  When I was but a wee little tyke, my mother and sister discovered me attempting to eat an entire stick of butter.  I had gotten about halfway through, with no signs of stopping.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This really happened:  National Geographic late one night "Gorillas are vegetarians."  Cut to the gorilla munching a huge green leaf.  "But no one has been able to explain this behavior to satisfaction:"  Gorilla squats in the bushes.  Starts to dump.  A great green salami of a poop.  "Some say it's the nutritional value," the gorilla leans forward pushing out this fucking enormous turd "some say they just want a hot meal on a cold day."  Gorilla reaches back and grabs said loaf.  Grabs it and pulls it - yes pulls it out of his ass and eats it.  I swear to god.  
  I've given up reading American personal ads for entertainment -- they're so bloody BLAND - "long walks," "friendship first ..."  So here's my favourite London "SPY" magazine ad for comparison:  "Hotshot lady barrister seeks boyflesh for dinner and rumpypumpy. Friendship optional."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other thing about living in a hick town.  Septic tanks.  In my case, it's an aerobic tank.  It's ten times better than a septic tank, and also ten times as complex.  It's got pumps, alarms, warning lights, float sensors, inspection covers, chlorinators, sprinklers and for all I know an internet connection.  I'm fascinated by all this technology buried in my front yard, to the point where I'll open up the hatches and take a look at least twice a week.  Just to make sure it's all still working.  "Yup, still full of shit, just like last time."  When I was a kid I'd play with toy trains.  Now that I'm grown up I have a toy sewage plant.  
  After the first day of kindergarten, I get home.  Dad: "So, how was your first day of school" Me: "Bad.  I cried." Dad: "Tomorrow, when you go back, grab the biggest thing you can carry and hit the biggest kid in sight with it"  That's still the best advice I've ever received.  
  have you ever been taking a shower, accidentally dropped the soap, and thought to yourself "wow, it's a good thing i'm not in prison."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Air hockey is frighteningly similar to real life:  Whenever I really, really want it, I play like shit.  But when I couldn't give a fuck, I score like crazy.        
  After knocking back at least 11 pints, I watched him slowly and quietly fill the last three back up with vomit, and slip the glasses under his chair without spilling a drop.    What else should I have expected from my favorite math professor?  
  "These stupid terrorist believe that when they blow themselves up they're going to get 72 virgins!" he said, laughing.  This was the same guy who was a firm believer in jesus and heaven, the same guy who was certain that upon death he would be reunited with all his dead friends and relatives and be able to do whatever he wanted.  Stupid shit.  
   The Dutch have a metphor that describes someone who is over-the-top anal and detail-oriented. They say "He is an Ant-Fucker".  My boss is an ant-fucker, and it's not a term of endearment.      
  Two 80-year-old women are driving in a car when they come upon an intersection. The light is red, but they drive right through it. The woman in the passenger seat thinks to herself, I must be losing it. I could swear we just ran a red light. After a few more minutes, they come upon another intersection, and again they run the red light. The woman in the passenger seat decides to speak up:   Mildred! You just ran two red lights in a row!     Oh,  says Mildred.  Am I driving?         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "What you need to understand," I explain patiently, "is that Terro is simply not in the same category as other ant killers.  It stands alone.  You see, Terro takes the form of a thick, clear, sweet, deadly syrup.  You pour a dollop somewhere on the floor.  48 hours later, the syrup is gone.  In its place lies a neat little brown ring of ant corpses, carefully outlining the fluid that was once there.  There is a certain elegance about that."  "If you say so.  So what?" he responds.  "I think a dollop of Terro syrup would make an extremely captivating subject for a webcam."  Some people just don't get it.    
  My middle aged mother recently bought a shirt that read...  "LSD Then, DSL Now"  I can't decide whether she's crazy or just the coolest mom ever.   
  one day in the second grade i had to take a dump...and bad. i rushed to the bathroom(2 flights down...ugh), dropped my pants, and, with out a thought passing thru my head, let it fly. because of the speed in which i had dumped i failed to notice one thing...there was no tp. my situation looked grim but to my joy came a friend of mine to the lavatory. quickly i sent him to scour the stalls for the item i required.  but, being in a cheerfully underfunded innercity public school, all stalls were empty. i then sent him to find some other source of paper but he quickly returned and, with nothing to offer, abandoned me. there i was, an 8 year old with no source of anal cleansing. i was about to cry for my mommy when i looked down and saw the pure white cloth of my fruit of the looms.  salvation.  making quick work of the mess, i casually walked to the sink to rinse my tightie-whities(what else could i do?) i did my task as thorough as one could with only water. i returned to class and colored a picture while a small wad of damp cotton dried in my pocket.  
  My latest family vacation  Me: But Mom even Roslyn Carter has Secret Service Agents still so why shouldn't Chelsea Clinton...  Mom: SHE'S A WHORE!  SHE'S A SLUT! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU WILL SEE THE LIGHT!  My husband: I don't think my wife is trying to defend Chelsea Clinton as much as she doesn't understand your venom...  My stepdad looking at my husband:  I think you need to mind your own FUCKING business.  We were going to the store to Christmas shop.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My twin sister has, and always will be, my best friend in the entire world who I would do absolutely anything for. Including dancing around the bedroom at the age of 7 with flowered underwear on my head just to have her tears turn into laughter.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Things my mother never told me but probably should have, #1,  Don't iron naked.   
  If anybody here knows I-5 from Sacramento to LA, then you know that it is just about the most desolate freeway in Cali (aside from I-10 from LA to Arizona).  So, when you're driving this road alone and without a radio, your mind tends to get creative.  Well, the creativity of my mind had resulted in an erection that couldn't be ignored.  So, I reached into the glove box, pulled out a rubber (no mess, no tissue, no eating it like on another post) and went to town.  After I came back from town, I tied a knot in the spent piece of latex (so as not to spill) and tossed it out the window.  Rule #1: Be aware that slipstream will put things you throw out the window directly behind you. Rule #2: Observing Rule #1, check rearview to make sure there is not a red, new model Dodge Caravan behind you before you throw a used condom out the window of your car.  
  Back in day I had a fear of taking a dump in school. So one day I had a turtle head poking out after first period. So, I decided to walk back home to take a shit. I got to a field and found that it was coming out no matter what. I went to a tree, put my back against it, pulled down my pants, and let loose. To my suprise, I didn't quite put my legs out far enough. I had shit all over my pants. I had to walk half a mile back to my house with shitty pants. After I showered, and change pants I asked my mom to write me a note saying I was sick. She said why? I said look up stairs in the bathroom. Does anyone know how embarassing it is to tell your mom you shit your pants at age 17?  
  I eat the pizza rolls packages with 15 inside them.  The last two packs had 16. Todays had 14.  God damn law of averages.  
   RE: Booty-n-Onions smell of aloe vera   I worked in a cheesesteak place in Southern NJ, working my way thru college, many light years ago. Most people like fried onions on their steak sandwich. I would handle onions for a 6 hr. shift and then go home. I would take soap and a killer brush and scrub my hands raw for at least 1/2 an hour, no smell on them whatsoever. Clean as could be, but don't you know when I started to go down on my girlfriend, tickling her clit w/ my tounge and stuffing a finger or two inside, after about a minute I could taste fucking ONIONS. Aloe Vera smells nothing like that.    
  the old lady stopped by the tall glass doors adjusting the strap of her bag on her arm.  i was in a hurry and opened a door and walked through holding it open and looking back at the lady, who scowled at me and muttered under her breath.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  It was freshman year, around midnight, and I've just settled down for a long calculus study session in preparation for tomorrow s exam. Sketch, a buddy of mine who is in my class, saunters by with a case of beer sticking out of his backpack.   Wanna study with me?  I question.  Naw,  he says.  But grab me tomorrow before you go.  He disappears into his room.  I finally crash around five that morning and at seven I poke my still-sleepy head into his room.  Sketch!  I whisper. My eyes adjust to the dim light, and I see him sitting there, transfixed by the moving patterns on his computer monitor. He s been there since I saw him last night.  Sketch!    Yeah,  he mutters, his trance broken. He reaches down below his desk.  Here.  A shiny object is lobbed my direction. I catch it, cold and hard: it s a can of Natural Light. My confusion lasts only until I hear him crack open another.  It ll help you more than any amount of studying can do. Trust me.   It s been over a year and I haven t yet taken an exam without first guzzling a can of cheap beer.  
  When I was a junior in high school I worked in this Mexican restaraunt as a grill cook. Late one night after we had broken down all of the food and put it away and were almost through cleaning up, a customer came in and ordered.  So needless to say we had to set everything back up.    To teach him a lesson, the other guy I was working with wiped his ass with the guy's flour tortilla (there were actually shit marks and chucks on the thing) filled it with burrito stuff and served it.  We stood peeking out of the door laughing while we watched him gobble it down...  It's odd what you find strange as a kid...now I just think that's fucking sick.   
  Went to a party one time with a friend who was a 'VIP' at a local strip club...  We stopped by the club to pick up a couple of girls to take to the party...  Had a good time, and one of them bought me breakfast in the morning for giving her a ride back to the club to pick up her car...  Later on, I can't help but wonder if the offer of 'breakfast' might have been something else, and I'm just too stupid to catch on...  
  juicy, hot diarreah no toilet paper she won't be needing this towel anymore  
  So I says to Mabel, I says: woman, what for you want to hit me on the head with thisee here shovel?  Thank God 1940s radio is dead  
  Even though I consider myself to be a straight 22 year old female,  Even though I scream like a little whore whenever I'm penetrated,  Even though I've only dated men...  I still can never get off unless I'm watching lesbian pornography. As soon as the guy gets in there, its over for me.  BUT watching two women? I can't even contain myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to listen to classical music and film scores.  It really gives it that "epic" feel when you masturbate.  
  so, when i lived in the east-side punkhouse a friend's band was staying with us, from nebraska.  we all go skinny dipping one night, and this super quiet dude (bassplayer?) gets undressed.  little guy, in stature, but i'll be damned if he didn't have 9 or 10 inches, limp.  we were all pretty shocked, not too often you see one that large in real life.  so it gets around, you know, that dude's hung... and the girl i was seeing at the time spends the next week in his bed. she agreed that it was massive. and i didn't really care, 'cause he seemed like he needed to get some. the kid refused to shit anywhere but at his house, and everybody on tour with him swears he didn't shit once during thier three week tour. like i said, he really needed to get some.  
  I was walking home from school one day in the 6th grade when these two assholes, obviously of high-school age, come screeching up in their Bronco.  The passenger leans out and asks  Hey kid, you know where Water Street is?   The fact was I had no clue where much of anything was since my family and I had just moved to this city.  At that particular moment I had been feeling a little down, missing my friends and such.  I was a bit taken aback that some older kids would be asking me where something was.  I had just opened my mouth to reply when a shot of water came shooting out from the passenger s window drenching me from head to toe.  The car took off and I was left alone in my drenched misery.   
  I was recently ill and went to the doctor who duely perscribed me a medication in pill form.   On the side of the medication along with things like "drink lots of water with this medication" is a very disturbing warning. It reads as follows:    Patient: Avoid prolonged exposure to direct and/or artificial sunlight  My first thought is "Great, not only am I sick, but my medication has a side affect of vampirism!"  
  After 9 beers, 3 games of 8 Ball, 2 conversations with pretty women, and 1 pizza, I felt I'd done pretty well for new boy in town.    
  She was barely 18, me a worldly 20-year old frat boy.  Before fucking, I condomed - the lubed kind, with the disease-killing Nonoxynol-9.  She wanted to be sexy, I guess, b/c she went down, holding my quizzical stare in her big brown eyes.  As soon as the taste of the lube hit her mouth, I could see it in her eyes.  I couldn't stop laughing when she said, "Now I know why my friends don't do this."  I miss her.  
       I once urinated in the company bathroom's garbage can because I did not want to pee in the toilet and splash my suitpants.  The boss made a big announcement and said that he thought that this was a sign of protest and that if anyone was unhappy that they should talk with him, not pee in the garbage can.  Well boss, it really was NOT a sign of protest.  I just hate splashing my pants when I pee in the toilet.    
  the bar across my ear is the best.  few people have seen an industrial before.    my nose was okay, tho the diamond stud is a little too dainty for me.    tongue was great cause when i visited my parents my mom flipped. "aren't you a little to old for that now?"  i'll do my nipples next, maybe another in my ear.  but i wish they'd stop asking if it hurts.  of course it hurts, when it's over.  cause all i want is that moment, with the beautiful girl biting her lip between my legs, my chest heaving in anticipation,  and all my concentration focused on one dot of my body, to go on forever.    that's why you keep the metal - as a momento.    
  My partner and I decided we needed to hire someone for our small office to answer phones, send faxes, and the like. A little to my distaste, my partner only wanted to pay $7.00 per hour.  We hired a kid, just like we said, and for only $7.00 per hour. I felt really bad about it. I figured he was worth at least $8.00.  Just when I was about to tell him I was sorry, he walked into my office and said, "Damn! I worked and hour less than I usually do, and I made $56.00 more! Sweet!"    Now I wonder if we could have gotten him for $6.50.  
  The first coocher I ate was while driving in circles.  In my old elementary schools parking lot.  I lost my gum in there.  Fished it out and threw it in the back seat.  Found it days later, stuck to the front truck of my skateboard.  I have not chewed gum since, but I eat at the Y every chance I get.    
  how many years has Donald Duck been around? he's managed to last that long in a sailor suit without being beaten up. i don't know about you, but that sounds like a DAMNED impressive piece of work to me.   
  I wish I lived on the east coast. Then this fucking day would be over.   
  I'm going to make a independent movie called "Tame My Vagina" and people are going to go seeing it thinking that it's a porno, but it's not.  It's  an actual story and plot and etc.  Therefore, it will do really good when it comes out.  And then after a while, the sales will deplete.  Yet, at video store, a person will be like "Hey, "Tame My Vagina" I wonder if that's any good" and someone else will be like "Naw, it's not what it sounds like".  Yet by that time, I will have made pretty good money.  Those stupid bastards fell for my scam.   I just need to get writing on the story.  
  snikrepkire, i dont goo nn-ss-nn-ss... i go ooptsh ooptsh ooptsh oop oop ooptsh  
  I really need to bring in another bottle of spring water from home.  I keep refilling this one and the inside of it is a little cloudy, indicating the buildup of old saliva.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of the best inventions in the world is the lantern-shaped bug-zapper.  Not only is it a fun and interesting way to get rid of bugs, but it's one of the staples of summer.  Just sit back with a six-pack of your favorite beverage and watch the damned bugs scream mayday 'til midnight.  But what if you're out of shape and need to work out, but still can't get enough of insects dying a horrible electric death?  A portable bug-zapper in the shape of a tennis racket.  I got my dad one for father's day.  It's the most damn fun in the world.  Work on your forearm smash while working out your primal urge to kill things.  You don't even get your hands dirty.  
  I had just poished off a bottle of tequilla and a package of hot dogs and I got sick all over my mothers new cashmere carpet.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think the culmination of my two-years-and-counting in Los Angeles was when I let some guy go in front of me on a crowded part of the Harbor Freeway near downtown and he flashed me the 'Westside' sign as a way of thanks.  Made me all warm inside.  No, really.  
  i spent eight years under the constant surveillence of nuns then four years with the omnipresent franciscans then three years with the jesuits learning about the jesus guy and buddha and shintoism taoism judaism pick an ism any ism wow the human being is a scared little bastard heaven is hell if you are oppressed by something in your mind if there is a god it sure wouldnt want us fucking each other up in its name crusades my ass hint if theres monetary gain involved it aint god       
  I just looked down at my shirt and there was a huge pile of crumbs from my bagel I ate ten minutes ago.  I think I'm coming closer to the reason I don't have a girlfriend  
  ever tripped a blind guy walking down the street, waited an minute and helped him up saying something about the state of the world or "those damn kids"?       
  I was waiting on tables and was in the weeds on a busy Friday. I finally got to my table who had been waiting for over 15 minutes. I hadn't even looked up, when I noticed I forgot my pen in the kitchen. Upon my arrival back, I apologized for being such a "retard" when I noticed that 3 of the 6 people sitting there actually were. It was a long night after that one....        
  I was mortified the first time my dad caught me masturbating.  Of all the gay porn theatres in the city, he had to pick this one.    
  i would like to change my name to one or more of the following:  Slab Bulkhead Fridge Largemeat Punt Speedchunk Butch Deadlift Bold Bigflank Splint Chesthair Flint Ironstag Bolt Vanderhuge Thick McRunfast Blast Hardcheese Buff Drinklots Trunk Slamchest Fist Rockbone Stump Beefgnaw Smash Lampjaw Punch Rockgroin Buck Plankchest Stump Chunkman Dirk Hardpeck Rip Steakface Slate Slabrock Crud Bonemeal Brick Hardmeat Rip Sidecheek Punch Sideiron Gristle McThornBody Slake Fistcrunch Buff Hardback Bob Johnson Blast Thickneck Crunch Buttsteak Slab Squatthrust Lump Beefrock Touch Rustrod Reef Blastbody Big McLargeHuge Smoke Manmuscle Beat Punchbeef Pack Blowfist Roll Fizzlebeef Socrates Gorilla  he;lp?  
  my mom was bored one night three years ago and wanted to watch one of th many movies that our room mate owned.  "oh ive got the perfect one for you tracy, its a love story." says he   he comes out of his room 5 minutes later with a casset and we all gather around to watch. he hits play and projected on the screen is a hot porn star taking it from behind and moaning lke a banshee. we all laughed histarically at our room mate as he flung himself at the tv in a desperate attempt to stop the porno...the good ol days  
  I love this sight, it is like free wisdom and comedy from the old man down the street!    Well, if the police hadn't taken him away for having those Pictures of those children......  
  Why is it that every time I crap on my neighbor's lawn, she calls the cops on me?  
  I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.   god, i'm a fucking loser.   
  I like me some sammiches.  But not the kind with bugs innem, or the kind where the bugs mighta walked on the ingredients.     But, I love me some sammiches, nonetheless.          
  A stack of his old tee-shirts.  One hot pink number reads "Gay Pride 1993, New York"  I am dating a man who, for all intents and purposes, is as gay as a day in May.  He just happens to dig chicks.  I am SO LUCKY.  
  Was reading about heroin today.  On top of the supposed euphoria it provides, it also diminishes appetite.  Things are bad when you're considering heroin as a weight-loss method.  I only want to lose 10 pounds.  Jesus Christ.  
  Well senior trip was fun minus the part about not being allowed to smoke. So we decided to open the window and sneek out. Window was screwed shut. So new idea turn the fan on in the bathroom . . . . no fan. So we pried the vent off the wall and used a hairdryer to blow the smoke out. The amusing thing is everyone was doing this. So all the rooms on that floor fill with ssmoke even the chaparones and there is no way they can just blame us so they let it slide. That and the fact that half the smoke was from reefer and the pool party rocked.  
   me and my girlfriend were laying on the floor quite permiscuously one day  my mother walks up and quite calmly says  " you kids makin porno on the floor?"  I hate my gene pool, kill me  
  --- quote ---  Every time that Cranberries song comes on the juke box I sing  "Dude you have to, dude you have to, dude you have to smell my finger..."   Every time.   ---no quote ---  Every time that Tom Petty song comes on I sing  "I'm freeee.... free ballin'"  my friends and I call it the 'commando song' cuz once you hear the new lyrics you can't go back to singing the real ones  
  My roommate bought poptarts last night. I was drunk and mistook the blueberries on the box for black olives.  
  There she lays on the hood of the car (like so many before her) And all I can think of is "Do I need to get my front-end aligned?"  But I guess that's why she's here.      
  Since I tore two ligaments in my right ankle I can't stand in one place too long. In turn, I cannot take showers, so I takes baths. In taking baths I have found much amusement in watching my penis float in the water and making it flop about like a water catapukt.  
  matt and i found a cell phone while cleaning out the theater we worked at. we made about a dozen or so phone calls to japan, just to hear strange voices and language and to yell things at the japanese, like "moat basket garter snake"  i felt bad about having this man's cell phone. especially after he came into the theatre desperately asking if we had found it. i lied right to his face and didn't even flinch inside.  we ended up covering the phone in maple syrup and throwing it off the roof of matt's apartment building.   not too much bad karma heading my way, i hope.  p.s., i also read all of his nasty text messages that his gf sent him and beat off.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I once worked with a snaggle-toothed, cock-eyed, 6'6" 40 year old severe alcaholic who was a street punk in his youth. He would sing The Safety Dance in loud-ass Sinatra style when he was working pit until our manager would come out and make him shut up (and stop scaring the customers).        
  I went to the bathroom and noticed my period had started.   All I could think was, "Oh. That's why I felt so horny 20 minutes ago."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So we road trip down to Virginia from NJ to see my cousin's band play a gig.   We check into our hotel rooms and my cousin opens the door to his room and freezes.  We all go over and look inside.  The room is obviously under renovation, with the wallpaper gone, fresh spackle everywhere and one bedframe was flipped on top of the other, with the mattress lying on the floor.  My cousin turns to us, lights a cigaretts and says, "OK, so who wants to help me look for the dead hooker in the mattress?"  I love my family.  :-)  
   A Public Service Announcement   Ladies, if a man comes to your door and asks to see your breasts, don't let him. He's really just trying to get you to show him your breasts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend told me this story and I found it quite hilarious:  Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decide to make a stop at one  of those rest areas on the side of the road. As I go in the  washroom the first stall is taken so I go in the second  stall. As I sit down I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?"   I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in  washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do  so finally I say: "Not bad..."    The voice says: "So, what are you doing?"  Talk about your dumb questions. I am starting to find this a  bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom,  then I'm going back east..."    Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you  back, every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the  next stall answers me!"   
  We paid movers to move us.  We paid cleaners to clean up after the movers.  Cheap ass movers left the vibrator in the closet so the cleaners would see it too.  
  It's 9:17am, exactly 17 minutes late for work.  It's a clear morning, not too many cars on the road.  The cops are off eating donuts.  I figure what the hell.  I kick it down into forth gear, twist back the grip and let the clutch lever spring back out.  At 1K short of redline i kick it up into fifth.  Passing cars on the highway as if they were stopped.  Look at my insturment panel for a flash, 108mph and climbing, headed up the hill to work.   My exit comes by in just over a minute (gotta love high speeds), and i get into the right lane and slow down to 65 to take the exit.     At this point i realize that i've been singing the music from "spyhunter" to myself on my way up the hill.  Major reality check!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was like 7, my grandfather was dying in the hospital from lukemia or something... anyway, as we were leaving, my smoking fat bitch aunt comes over and pinches me cheeks (i hate that) and says in that voice she uses when she's talking to her dog "give your aunt franny a big kiss." now, me the child of a tobacco rep and a car dealership owner, i was blessed with the gift of smartassery, and having just seen "home alone", i retort in a very loud manner something along the lines of "i'd rather kiss a toilet seat." my mother swept me up and took me outside where my other grandparents laughed their asses off along with my mom and dad.  
  We were going out for all of ten whole days, and the most intimate we'd gotten was cuddling (no kissing, no groping) in the back of someone else's car.  When she left me because her father didn't like "my kind" (I'm a mulatto), I was upset. When she sent an e-mail to a friend of mine and asked him out on a date, I became enraged.  He let me take the keyboard to answer, and I came out with a nasty, putrid stream of vitriol in a reply message. I heard that she spent a good while in a bathroom somewhere crying her eyes out, and when my friends found out what I'd done, as a whole they flipped me the finger.  And then they found out how arrogant she was anyway, and starting hanging with me again. Amazing.  
   Standing in the lobby of the Four Seasons Hotel, this porky, pop-eyed, polo-shirted asshole comes walking by with his equally florid and fleshy friends.  All of 'em are slurping on remains of stogies.    He takes the cigar butt out of his mouth so he can make his point more clearly.  "You see, women just don't have enough brainpower for business," he says, spitting on the 'p' in 'power.' "They just don't have the smarts."  His friends take a few steps backward to avoid the flying saliva and laugh heartily. He winks at me. I hope he gets run over by a bus and his wife inherits millions.  
  I was driving home from college one weekend, and decided to follow this cute chick from a different college who was headed in the same direction on the highway.  We were doing about 95mph, her in her nice eclipse and me in my dinky Geo Storm...  We hit a contruction zone, and see a cop ahead that has someone pulled over.  I slow down a little bit, but she doesn't.  A state patrol going the other way turns on his lights, then off again, and turns around in the grass between the interstate, and comes after "us".  Well, I slow down without hitting the brakes, but he gets up right behind me.  I get into the left lane because of the cop that had someone else pulled over, but the poor girl did not.  The cop behind me immediately turned his lights on and pulled her over!  I thought about stopping with her...for about 20 seconds.  She saw me pumping gas on the next exit...she looked pretty rough as she got out of the car to pump her gas...makeup running from the tears...she gave me one of those "you bastard" looks...  As I drove off, she shot me the bird so I stopped and said "hey, it's not MY ticket!"  That was the first time I spun my little Geo's tires while pulling away :)  
  I use to work with this really straight laced jock-ish kid back when i was a senior in highschool....this other girl worked with us and was my main supplier of the dopest weed that I still to this day have ever smoked, one day we decided to get him high...it was his first time...flash forward two or three years and I find out from my ex-dealer how this kid has become the BIGGEST fucking druggie, and was recently tossed from college after a gram of coke was discovered in his dorm room...i'm supposing its all my fault...luring him into the drug world with reefer... america's "gateway" drug...but as i listened to this tale of all his drug problems..I couldn't help but think "damn I bet this kid is FAR cooler now, than he ever was before I pushed that joint on him"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my cat and i like to fight (well she doesn't like it much) and i've acquired myriad little scars all over my forearms and hands in our years together.  anyway, that wretched feline just gave me a fresh one on the back of my hand, and i noticed that it intersects another cat scratch (long since scarred over) at a perfect 90  angle.  makes me wonder if i could get her to scratch a message or a picture or something into my hand, that would stay there for the rest of my life. hey, free cosmetic scarification.  of course, i could just cut myself with a scalpel. but that wouldn't make quite as good a story, would it?  
  consider this a public service announcement to all those who think that a man who enjoys having something up his ass is an oddity:  last night i had an orgasm so intense, i could do nothing but lie on my back for five minutes and pant...  and i was alone...  
  On my last birthday, a friend & I got lit at a local bar.  Three glasses of champagne, two shots, two car bombs, and two martinis later, I'm puking violently in the parking lot.  Sitting with my head in my hands, watching chunky drool spill from my lips, I hear a man say, "Hey, do you need a ride home?"  He continued to hit on me as I pointed wordlessly at my friend's car beside us.  Being hit on while vomiting is sadly one of my life's more validating moments.  At least I know I looked really hot that night.  
  About four months ago I learned why you shouldn't cook naked. I was cooking an egg and hot oil spattered my nude stomach. I now have a dozen little red splotchmarks around my belly button. Part of me wants them to go away. The other part wants them to last forever so I can tell my kids I got em in the War.  
  Here working late,  I just went to our corporate kitchen and ate some canned whipped cream....  hmmm maybe wash that down with some coke..        
  Gilette sent me a Mach 3 razor in the mail the other day, thinking for some reason that it was my 18th birthday.  It was worth a try, I figured.  After using it   I decided that it was actually  pretty dope.  The next morning I knocked it off the sink into the toilet.  Oh well, easy come, easy go.  
  You know what? No men know what it's like to have your period. I say this, being one of the men who have no clue about it, except that, the more stories and anecdotes I see and hear and read about it, the more insane and alien and crazy it sounds.  Think about every electronic device you know of that involves liquid somehow. An espresso machine. A juicer. A humidifier. A modern toilet, with a tank and that floating bulb and all them levers and whatnot. Combine them all into one package, construct it all out of soft, gooey rubber, and stick some eggs in there while you're at it, and you have the female reproductive system.  Comparatively speaking, the man's reproductive system is like a pesticide attachment for your garden hose. Or a squirt gun.  That's approximately 60% of the population that I am not envious of.  (Except maybe for having titties.)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Most of my moments posted here point up what a cruel, sadistic bitch I am. But here's something that should redeem me a little. Every now and then, I don't make him go shopping with me. I go alone and stay out a good three, four hours... so he can have all the time he needs to visit his porn collection and whack off in divine privacy. I'm such a sweetie.  
  i wish i had an enormous cock so i could stop just saying i did  and just show everyone  
  Two of my buddies had already fucked her that week, and I'd fucked her the night before. We found out that another friend of our's was up in the loft with her right then -we figured about to fuck her. We were a little worried for him, so we started chucking rubbers up there. OK, we weren't really worried, but it was funny. Anyway, he didn't use one and had to get the old  Q-TIP IN THE PENIS.   
  In a fit of unemployed, patriotic pathos I took the New York City police exam. Sitting in a junior high school classroom in Queens I survey the people around me. This one forgot her ID. That one didn't bring a pencil. One keeps sucking the snot back into his chest because he didn't bring any tissues. This is New York City's Finest? Sheesh, we're in trouble.  
  mark my words... i will never, ever date a girl who drives a truck with a "bad ass girlz drive bad ass toyz" sticker on it.  
  i once masterbated with a brand new remote controll....the first person to use it was one of my male best friends.  i couldn't help but laugh.  if he only knew what i had done...me the sweet and innocent young lady that i am.  
  Friend took a runny shit on the hood of a cop car.   It was car number 1292.  Two weeks later, I see car 1292.  There is a little spot on the hood where the shit was.    My friend eats a lot of Chorizo.   
  While people constantly talk about which sexual position is best..... no one has pondered the subject of, which is the worst? For my two cents, the worst position ever is the limp starfish, where she lies back, spreads put, and waits for it to happen. Its about as appetising ( and as stimulating ) as humping a log.        
  I just got off the phone with my new bf and decided to let out the tormentous pocket living in my gut.  Feeling very satisfied with myself i let it linger.  My bf being habitually late, actually shows up early and gets a whiff of the monstrosity, and proudly exclaims " HEY, did you eat at McDonald's without me? its smells good in here."  Lowbrow #1- I havent eaten at any fast food restaurant since I worked at one 8 years ago  Lowbrow #2- did he recognize the "fart" as a mickeyD's Fart or did he actually think that thats what mcdonalds food should smell like??   somethings tells me he's not a keeper.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw girl walking down the hall wearing jogging pants.  Across the ass of the jogging pants was written "DOLLARD."  She had a crazy wedgie. That wedgie fucker had completely consumed the L and the A.  I followed behind DOLRD ass the whole way, hoping to see those two letters fall back out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just read one of lowbrowlimbo's posts about buddhist's making apprentices drink a bottle of water without thinking the word water to attain nirvana. i decided to try it and chugged a tumbler of diet root beer. i thought the word birchbeer dammit and now i have the hiccups  
  My mom and I were driving towards the northern California coast when we saw a group of dirty, grizzled looking hippies looking for a ride at a busy intersection. One of them proudly held up a sign reading "I AIN'T GOT NO PANTIES ON".  
  More fun... I had been uselessly dwelling on an ex-boyfriend who had dumped me in an insulting way. However, he is geographically too far off to do personal damage to. Ergo, back to the old internet cafe computer. I set up an email account in the name of the girl he'd gone with after dumping me, and then sent him an email saying "Anthony: if the health department calls, I'm really really sorry. I hope the tests come back negative." I'm betting he's not sleeping easy for a while.  
  So when i was younger and first started smoking, a friend of mine lets everyone know he has a steady source to score weed from if we need any, revelling in the coolness that is being the weed hookup guy. So i go with him to the dirty hippy's house to get a few bags and they do the usual scrub thing of asking if we wanna smoke with them, using our newly bought herb. My dumbass friend agrees to smoke some of him with them so they break out the bong. I guess he's just trying to make a good impression and show that he's "down". Well that plan came to a coolness-shattering conclusion when he wrapped his entire mouth around the bong like he was sucking off a huge purple-translucent cock. Everyone had a good laugh.  
  out of the kindness of my heart, i took my little cousin to see the backdoor boys. ok, well, to be honest, it was really part of a bribe from my aunt. but no matter what the cause, there i was. i looked around in wonder as i realized that i wasn't the only girl who was crying. but then it dawned on me. they were crying because they LIKED the music........  
   Enjoying some people with my webcam i wrote "THUG" on my knuckles, only to put down the pen, and read "water resistant" on the side of it. yes the people at work are gonna have fun tomorrow   :(    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know that in lowbrow, when people talk about role-playing, they're referring to the sexual variety.  However, I just keep picturing D&D or Video Games instead, and have to read those moments over to really understand them.    
  I love those bumper stickers that say, "In case of Rapture, this car will be driverless."  What's even better is my roommate's live-in boyfriend (ie-my roommate) saying that he wants the following made into a bumper sticker:   "In case of Rapture, this driver will be banging your wife."  
  I was outside in my backyard playing guitar, and I let loose maybe the best burp of my life...  About a minute later, my sister comes down and tells me:  "I was upstairs in my room, with the doors and the windows closed, on the phone with my friend.  SHE heard your burp and asked 'was that a person?!'"  Yay.  
  Chinese restaurant, circa 1988. I'm a hostess there, about twenty. We're smoking pot in the back after hours. Chaz takes a drag, then looks down at my chest. 'What's that?' 'I dunno,' I reply cottonly. 'Probly a piece of food.' 'No,' he says. 'I think it's a booger with blood on it.'  He was right.   
  One time my mom and brother went out of town for a week and I was supposed to stay at my Mom's and watch her animals. I did ok with the dog and the cats, but she left the bird in my brother's room. Well, about a day before she was coming home , she called me and asked about her bird. I said, "What bird?" She yelled, "Oh My Gaaaawwwdddd!" I ran in the room and the little guy was still warm, but lying on the bottom of the cage. He had just dropped dead of starvation. I felt so bad. But the damn thing was so stupid......if he had just made one noise, I would've remembered and fed him. Damn bird!  
  I've been sleeping with this chick for a few weeks, and things have gotten to the experimental stage. She's into anal beads so last night she whips out a bottle of lube and a strand of those big mardi gras beads. We're doing it doggy-style and she tells me to massage her "bad place" with the lube. Once it was nice and greasy, I started feeding the beads into her butt one at a time.  We started doing it doggy-style again, and as each of us got closer to climaxing she told me to pull the beads out. Only she didn't specify that I should pull them out S-L-O-W-L-Y. I give the string a yank and it was like rip-starting a lawnmower. I'm still trying to block out what happened next. Let's just say there was a loud noise, some poop, and a lot of anger involved. So much for our one and only experiment with butt love.  
  I read a lowbrow moment about carressing you're own ass whilst beating off. Man, it realy does help.  
  One time, I ate several packs of airline peanuts.  2 days later, a Payday pooped out of my ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          My Fighting History #13 from #12:  I soon find out that his big brother is the town head case, similar to Begbie in "Trainspotting," and I am in serious trouble   I manage to keep low for about two weeks, but then one night I'm so bored I pop out to the main street caf&eacute; for a hot Vimto and some jukebox tunes.  When I leave, I see my best friend, Eddie Tynski, who is a Bebgie type himself, standing with the kid I beat up,  and  his big brother.  Eddie calls me over. I pretend to not notice, but that's not going to work. My bowels are close to doing their ancient "fight or flight" response of emptying themselves, but that wouldn't work, either.  So we chat. That's not going to work, either. It's decided that the kid and I will walk around back for a rematch. Yeah, sure.  In the back alley, the kid looks nervous, until (of course) his brother appears and the pair of them lay in the boots, kicking me in the head repeatedly.  Amazingly, it doesn't hurt at all. I have my hands over my face, so they're not doing any damage. There's no point in me trying to actually fight, so I just take it until I think they might feel satisfied.  Then I yell: " My eye! My fucking eye... " and end it with a fall to the ground and a bloodcurdling scream.  They panic and run away. I never see either of them again.  My "friend," Mr. Tynski, arrives late, of course, apologising for letting Big Brother out of his sight for a minute.  Such was the teenage life in Scotland, in 1966.  
  In addition to the post about how dogs are offended if you watch them shit and attempt to lick you in the face when you are taking one.  My dog will run into the bathroom and try to lick my exposed legs...and the tip of my dink...  Sometimes I let him do just that, but not too long before I get really disgusted with me allowing him to.  "GO ON get outta here" I then say...    
   Hudson River Tales #15  Just once, I slummed it and asked for an assignment on a small boat. Most of them were Boston Whalers, indestructible, unsinkable, and capable of handling  any  sort of weather. wonderful boats. Eh, the one I got was a glorified aluminium canoe, with an 80hp outboard stuck on the end. Long day. On the way home, the wind started up for real, and the waves rose to 6', right in our face. Crossing Newburgh bay, with Storm King mountain* hanging above us, we really hit it bad. Pure heaven. My great buddy driving is hooting and hollering at every wave we crash through. I can barely hear him, because I'm standing upright at the back, with my arms braced on a big welded pole that we used for something or other. I'm looking over my buddy's head at the incoming breakers and hooting along with him. It's bleedin' November, and we're soaked, but we're snug in our Holly-Hanson float coats, and we're having the time of our lives. Buddy looks back: "Want the reins of this little bronco?" I smile, and head forward to take the helm. We smash into another wave, the boat stops, but I don't. I fly overboard. I can't swim, by the way. I hit the water and go nuts. I'm drowning! I'm drowning! Finally open my eyes, and notice that the float coat is keeping my head high out of the water. Nice, but there's 6' waves crashing all around me. He'll never find me! Buddy circles back, and pulls me onboard, laughing. He: "Shit, you suddenly vanished! I didn't know where you'd gone! Then I spotted you and headed back, towards the BIGGEST eyes I've ever seen..."  ------------- *Storm King mountain is actually the birthplace of the American environmental movement -- Con Edison wanted to slice the top off and build a lake for power production. People lay down in front of trucks and so on, so it didn't happen.  
  I'm standing on the subway platform in lower Harlem.   Beside me, two black girls are chatting to each other, trying to ignore a toothless old guy who's staring at them intently while obviously whacking off.    When the train arrives, something goes wrong, it shudders to a stop with its lights flashing on and off. Finally, a spray of liquid metal sparks shoot out from under it and it goes completely dead.    One girl turns to the other:   "Just think, all this for 25 cents!"   (you cant email limbo, because i copy pasted & html'd) (love, sorry_e_e)  
  right now i'm watching german tv and they are doing a comparison of frozen pizzas for sale in german grocery stores. they actually picked the top 5. don't they realize that all pizzas in germany just really suck so bad that it makes you want to move to france so you can officialy complain about everything and then blame it all on america.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had just gotten engaged when my ex-girlfriend Sally came to visit.  I walked out of the shower sporting a towel and a hard on. She pulled me in and kissed me hard.  we ended up on my bed just about to fuck when my phone rang.  I didn't answer but the answering machine was on and I heard my new fiancee's voice coming from the machine.  Sally got up and said she had to leave.  It was just too awkward.  Sally's sister called me the next week though.  She liked the awkwardness.   I'm divorced now.  
  There's nothing worse than a q-tip in your penis.        
   Another Reason For Girls To Not Shave  Continuing my campaign against those awful shaved pussies, I offer the wisdom of ancient well-known folklore (I think I got it right :-)  "A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else."   
  Yes I was bothered when you handed me the Magnum Large condom But I was even more bothered when I saw them in your drawer next to an open home pregnancy test box. Yes I know who they were for  
  "Iv'e gotta pee."  "Then ask to go to the bathroom."  "No, it's embarrassing"  Shit, this is getting ugly, I thought to myself.  "You cannot pee yourself, It's bad!"  "Ok"  Success.  Too late, I see the stain spead across her dress, flowing down to the floor as the smell of piss envelopes the room.  I think during that one fateful day in the second grade I learned never to trust a girl to do what she says she will.  
  I used to play this local and somewhat bizarre indoor sport in my teens. we were like 14-16 year old so we were all full of hormones trying to outcool eachouther with stories. that little ritual came to an abrupt end when this one guy, usually quiet and not bothering with our bragging games, pulled something we couldn't really top. in the shower room after practice once he asked another guy if he could borrow some shampoo since he'd forgotten his. upon being handed the bottle, he quietly unscrews the cap, puts it to his mouth and drinks the full content. he then screws the cap back on, not even looking at us, and hands the bottle back with a polite "thanks".  everyone had a newfound respect for him after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know it's obvious, but  someone  has to say it...   I don't say "I'm never drinking again!"  I say "I'm not going to drink again, until I finish puking."   And, usually, I stick to that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This morning I flogged my weasel lying on my back, as is my custom. Usually, I'll just let it fall on my stomach, and then go shower. After a few minutes of hard work, my little soldiers flew up and hit my forehead.  I'm sure that's not any sort of record, but that is a personal best. I feel so proud.  
  Did anyone else dial "OK I BT FK" just to see who answered?  
  So I got dumped by this guy...  He said I was high maintenance...  I haven't brushed my hair for 8 months. Real high maintenance.  
  So we're talking about a friend of ours, just sitting round the living room figuring out the problems of the world.  I don't know what he was trying to prove, but out it came.  "Just remember the next time she gives you a kiss, my dick's been in that mouth"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I met her, 12, she was an angel. Wouldn't even dare to talk to her.  Years later, she happened to be with me in the same college course. Her legs were tight with years of dance classes and her tits were full moon round pieces of perfection.  Some years ago, teenage bride she became. Teenage groom was a stupid spoiled fuck... just the kind she was meant to be with.  Yes. I'm a sore loser. But how great did it feel to know my angel had to take off her breast implants after bearing her first child.  
  i got stuck in New Brunswick last weekend with no way of getting home in time for church (i got parked in)... so when i couldn't find a ride back to teach Sunday School, i decided that instead of persisting i'd just get one last lay in with the guy i stayed with...   i thought it was hot cause i was skipping church to have one more bout of good sex.  he thought it was hot cause he was fucking a sunday school teacher.  where do i find these guys?  
  there's people who sell socks on the street to motorists who are waiting at red lights on the southside of chicago.  i always wondered what kind of person would buy socks while stuck in traffic.  today my mom came home...  'oh honey i knew you needed socks for school, and i saw a nice looking hobo selling them at $2.00 for a pack of six by the roosevelt off ramp.  isn't that a great deal?'   
  i leaned against the side of my car in front of the house she shares with her ex-boyfriend last night talking to her about how i was willing to take things slow.  then i slid my hand up her shirt and talked to her about cocaine.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I recently read that Alexander The Great, while far from home, decided his horse would make the best sexual companion.  I really admire the guy for making the best of a bad situation.  Whatever floats your boat I suppose...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today, put your best foot forward.  If you're not sure which of your feet is your best foot, cut one off.  Then it doesn't matter.       
  I knew she had a drug problem when she traded her car stereo for a $50 rock.  I was wanted to call her momma when she mentioned that she'd traded all the dishes and silverware in the house for a $40 rock.  I just laughed when she said she traded her $25 Walmart card for a $10 hit.   
  Got in a head on collision involving me and three other cars...it was raining, I fishtailed, so fuck me...anyway one of the cars I hit was driven by a personal claims lawyer (middle age woman, real proper looking)...she was being a bitch and was refusing to give me her insurance info:  her: no, you are at fault, you're the one that gives me your insurance, I'm not giving you mine. me: no, we're gonna trade insurance information because that's what you DO in an accident her: no, it's your-- me: shut the FUCK up and give me your FUCKING insurance you fucking Crank whore.  She promptly went and got her insurance information...I should note that I am 17 and the least intimidating person ever.  
  Walking to my brother's house with my friend  from the bus stop, I saw what I like to call a child molester van... (ya know, the big white/brown/primer colored vans with no windows except the ones where the driver and the passenger seats are?)   It had the words "24 hour service" painted on the side. Nothing else. Just "24 hour service".   Jesus.   
  There's nothing funnier than seeing two of your best friends that don't know each other snipping at each other from across a hospital room.    Except hearing the slurping noises.  
  Back when we were 16 or so, a buddy (hey Dave!) and I used to tour around in his '63 Plymouth Valiant with our then girlfriends. There was a blue felt cloth under the front seat which was used to clean-up all sorts of messes and spills.   It was refered to as "the rum, cum and gum rag".  
  he casually requests to sleep with my wife. what an opportune moment to have a pocketful of rubberbands thinks i. there is strange gratification in releasing a pocketful of fury all over his face.  
  Lately, if someone calls for my husband and I don't recognize the voice, I say "He's dead. Please don't call here again." I had a bitch of a time explaining things to my mother-in-law when she called while she had a bad head cold.   
  I'm preparing to have my old yellow rose tattoo, which I don't like, covered with a bigger tattoo of a dragonfly.  My grown daughter has expressed interest in getting a tattoo on her person. I told her to look on the internet for something she likes because I'll take her to a reputable tattoo artist where I'll pay for hers when I get my dragonfly.  She tells me she's worried about what her husband will say.  
   Pure Geek Gloating Moment  A Microsoft executive, bitching about the rise of the free Linux operating system: "All we're looking for is a level playing field competitively," said Peter Houston, a senior strategy executive in Microsoft's Windows group. For the uninitiated, Microsoft's idea of a "level playing field" is a 45&deg; slope in their direction. Ha ha! Die, fuckers!  
  My friend Vince and his buddies up at college were trippin' once, and they heard that drinking orange juice would make them trip harder. So they went to the local convience store and each bought a quart of orange juice. As they were sitting on the curb drinking the juice, a car full of girls pulls up. The girl riding shotgun winds down the window and asks them if they like OJ. Vince responds, "Yeah, I think he is innocent."        
  My idea of a bummer:  Picking a huge booger and then nowhere to wipe.  And too sticky to fling.  
  Every morning i wake up to a shower, but by no means a normal shower. I plug the drain and have a half bath half shower. Plus i lay in the bottom of the tub trying to sleep. Every morning as the water is pooling and pouring on me I jerk off. After i cum i think to myself "How pathetic, you jerk off every morning in a small puddle of your own filth"   Then i jerk off again.  
  my mom keeps chocolate chips in the freezer. one day I was practicing shooting them out of my nose and was clearing them half way across the room until one got stuck.  chocolate nose bleeds are the best.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After the movie, we had to go to his office to pick up some papers he'd forgotten. A coworker asked where we'd been, and we told him we'd gone to see "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings". "I saw that last week! Was it cool or what? But I didn't like the ending, it didn't really finish, ya know?" We looked at each other, and biting back laughter explained it was the first of a trilogy, like the book. "OH! Well, that makes sense, cos then it would have to explain stuff later... wait, you mean there's a book too?"  
  What could I say? "Sure, I'm with the new word limit. There's nothing I enjoy more than gutting good writing."        
  i wish i had a 'fuck buddy' like that guy in vanilla sky  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I ran into girl who always ignored me through high school because i was an actress *apparantly individuality was looked down upon*.  She was a real prep, cheerleader, fake tan...BRIGHT WHITE HAIR...the whole fake girl bit. well now she's decided to become an actress.  and she said to me "i never knew how hard it was to pretend to be someone else."    my response "YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 6 YEARS BITCH, YOU THINK IT WOULDn'T be THAT hard."  
  I was at the mall and I had to go to the bathroom really bad so I went and as i was leaving the toliet overflowed when they asked if they knew who did it everyone looked at me it was so horrible.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         During the five hour road-trip home I had to listen to her incessant whining. The A/C was too cold. The sun was too bright. She was too tired. She had too much to do the next week. School was too stressful.  Towards the end of the ride she starts whining about her officemate at work. "I just can't stand that woman, she frustrates the hell out of me. All she does is complain all the time."  I asked her to define irony.  
  So I was at this party with two guys, we were playing truth or dare and one of them chose dare.   So I go, put some icy hot on your dick. I want to see what happens.  The dude is all wussy until his friend offers to do it with him.  hehe...to this day they wont go near the stuff, they said it soaked in through the skin and burned like hell...  My neighbors never forgot the night they saw two boys running down the street screaming holding there crotches ;p  
  December 5th    (my wife and i, in the car, listening to news reports about the palestinian suicide bomber in isreal.  the one who killed himself...in a hotel lobby....while nobody else was close enough to take with him.  Minor injuries to 3 or 4 people, and he's the only fatality)  me:  those guys who hijacked the planes on september 11th are like the Babe Ruth of suicide terrorists, right?  she:  i guess so, and that would make this guy Bob Euker   
  I work for the IRS and it always annoys  me that taxpayers are referred to as "customers".   Customers?  As if they had a choice, could take their business elsewhere.    Call them anything else, but fergodsakes, don't imply that we're either 1) doing them a favor or 2) giving them some kind of value for their patronage.  Why am I saying "they"?   I pay taxes too.    
  a year ago i was new at this job, getting to know one of the graphic designers i work with. we're outside, having a smoke and a sexy woman walks by. i say, "did you see her?" he shakes his head; "i can't look. it's in my boyfriend contract."  a year goes by. we're in a new building now. i mention to this same guy that i've noticed a lot of beautiful women working in the other offices. he brightens right up, "yeah, like that blond who smokes marlboro 100s."  there is no fucking contract. this guy takes better notes than i do.  
  I don't really remember the argument, mostly because we were only about 6 at the time. But i recall it was taking place in my parents room. My brother didn't want me to be following him around at that moment, for whatever reason, and so he started to walk away. I did the logical thing: I latched onto his leg like a pitbull. He dragged me about 5', but, on that 5th foot, (this isn't the lowbrow bit)he dragged me into our parents dresser, head first. Now this dresser was nice, and in fact they still have it, but, the corners on that fucker were a bit sharp for little kids. I wish to God i knew why i didn't let go, but, at least i had the sense to keep my eyes directed away from that sharp edge. Of course, i needed about 18 stitches to put my head back together...but.... The lowbrow bit... I was really upset that i had bled all over my favorite shirt. It was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  
  i once peed in a dressing room...sober        
  it was halloween and me my bro and i were bored expecting another night of random drunkeness somewhere when our 18 year old female neighbour popped in saying she was going to a fancy dress party and did we want to go.  5 minutes later Count Dracula and scream man were hot to trot! Anyway we got to this pub and started necking beers at a fair rate of knots.topped up with brave juice we decided to head out and go to a local club. edging past the various stormtroopers and werewolves we jumped in a cab and arrived at "Entice". once the bouncers had finished laughing and picked each other up off the floor we headed inside in full costume to discover we were the only 2 out of 400 people in fancy dress. u could almost hear the dj yell "twats" as we sheepishly made our way to the bar with 400 mad for it clubbers eyes boring into the back of our head. Surprisingly though, it turned into a fantastic night, with drinks being bought for us by strangers for having the balls to do it and the choicest ladies wanting to party with us. if only they new that we were so drunk we didnt even realise where we were let alone what we were doing. we got out of there about 3am and like all good nights out it had to end with copious amounts of junk food so being a manager for a pizza company, i opened the shop and started to rustle up a couple of meat feasts. as we sat down do eat them we glanced across and saw 2 of the delivery bikes in the foyer and a wicked thought crossed my mind. the sight of a vampire and a nutter in a mask bombing through the local park on pizza bikes must still haunt various dog walkers/joggers till this day.  
  Its not every day you see two eldery people having sex...  I was walking down this long street with my close friend, a few blocks down to where i live.  As we were walking, there was a camper with music turned on.. As we walked by -- we looked through the window not knowing what we would see next. We saw two about 70 year old people having "intercorse" with a few fluffy toys... I almost shit myself...  Advice: be afraid.. be very afraid   
  Yesterday, after being pissed for almost two years about how slowly my PC ran, I finally decided to disable my virus protection. Well, what the fuck do you know? It blazes along now, verily. So no more virus protection for me. It's kind of like another 'brower or two have noted about the medication they advertise on TV: It might cure one problem, but it fucks up everything else in your system entirely.  
  Homework:  I know the answer, just need the explanation.  Brain is stuck, so I resume consuming a few more old circus peanuts.  As I bite into one, it makes an audible, crisp SNAP.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my wife lets me piss in the sink because she doesn't have to clean up around the toilet as much  ah, middle age.  i can hardly wait till i'm 80.  imagine what she'll let me get away with then  
  My friend comes up to me the other day and says   "I FOUND JESUS"  I thougth "OH BOY! WE ARE GONNA BE RICH"  it turns out he ment something else... life can really get  you down sometimes.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         april fool's day gets worse every year. my family is SO into it. salty in the coffee, crisco "icing" on graham crackers, "kool-aid"(water with red dye and salt), water sprayed in my face by the hose on the sink, opening my backpack in the middle of class to find that it has been stuffed with multiple pairs of briefs.  my family is so fun.  
  Once, when I was little, I was outside playing in my yard when a fly flew across the yard and right into my ear.  The funny thing is, I could see it coming, and I remember thinking, strangely, "I hope that fly doesn't go into my ear".  Anyway, it flew right into my ear and burrowed deep inside, into the inner ear.  He was still alive, and buzzing around.  Needless to say, I freaked out.  I ran inside and told my parents, who briefly examined me and then told me it was all in my head.  What was in my head was *!^@#*ing fly!!  Well, it wasn't really their fault; the fly was so deep in there that you couldn't see him and if someone had told me that a fly was stuck in *their* ear I can't say for sure that I'd believe them.  I could still hear him buzzing, and feel him wiggling in there, so after about 15 minutes of trying to convince myself that it WAS all my imagination, I gave up.  He was DEFINATELY in there.  So I plugged up my nose super-tight and and squeezed my lips shut, and blew as hard as I could.  I nearly shattered an eardrum, but the fly was expelled, and flew around the room.  My parents saw this little fly come spewing out of my ear, and their jaws just about hit the floor.  I think insects have it in for me.  
  "Hey, I know you're only 18, but do you have an ID that says you're 21?"  Me: "Um... unfortunately, no."  Him: "Oh. well then.  I can't tell you what's happening on the last night of camp, then."  My thoughts: "Bridge camp..such a wonderful thing."  You all think we're nerdy and geeky, but I'll bet you we bridge players have much better times at summer camp than any of you guys ever did.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I Am A Genuine Tough Guy  My crazy buddy Patrick is playing pool with some asshole who's getting really aggressive. I'm Patrick's ambassador to the world, so I step in to calm the guy down. Me: "Patrick's a good guy. He's just a little crazy sometimes..." Guy won't back off, at all. 'S OK, I can calm him down. I'm very good at it. But I can't, he gets more and more pissed. It's getting dangerous. (I haven't been hit in 35 years.) But OK, I switch tactics: "Well, if you insist, we could always just take you on." I switch my "scary, staring eyes" to high-beam, and smile my Steve McQueen killer smile confidently. He switches on his eyes, and sticks a finger up my nose, lifts his cue and points it at my stomach. I drag Patrick out of there. Patrick: "Wha? We could've taken him..." Next night, he's there again, buys us beers, and apologises. Yeah, I'm a genuine tough guy...  
  The Lowbrow Scenerio:      Getting head while driving.  The Lowbrow Moment:      The mad "props" coming from the trucker in the next lane in the form of his horn.  
  I work at Whole Foods, a sort of ubergrocery store for all the hippies turned yuppies who want natural food and are willing to pay 25% extra for it.  We have samples in our department, usually a plate of little cheese cubes and a toothpick dispenser.  Of the 50% of customers who do use the toothpicks, a good third of them have difficulty figuring out how to extract the toothpicks from the dispenser.  That's 16 out of 100 people who cannot decipher a simple mechanical device.  This is their lowbrow moment.  
  AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY-  EVER!!  My girlfriend's parents hail from Kuwait and Ireland.  She has a glaringly Muslim name, olive skin and an English accent.  As she talked to a salesperson in a mall store, a middle-aged woman hears her and compliments her accent.  "Oh that is a wonderful accent.  Where is it from?" "Kuwait," deliberately ignoring her Irish heritage for once. The woman then replies self-assuredly  "So, is that near Texas?"  
  At the end of a particularly heavy night of beer fueled mayhem I decided that I wanted a kebab. I don't usually go for food after a night out but this time I wanted a kebab.  Having spent ages trying to find a kebab shop that wasn't rammed full of people I chanced upon a quiet one with only a couple of people inside.  I ordered my kebab without a care in the world and proceeded to eat it. Thats when I realised why there was no queue for this particular kebab shop.  To top it all off it started raining which made the kebab cold, wet and caused the fat to congeal.  Uuuuuurgh.  
  Go into walmart and walk around with an expensive item for a about 10 minutes.  Go to a secluded aisle, put it in your pocket and start walking around the store for about an hour.  After a while go to another ssecluded aisle and take the item back out.  But makes sure no one sees you do it.  If someone stops you on the way out and accuses you of stealing then you can sue Walmart for thousands of dollars.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I snake an eye open. Pitch black outside. I think: "Good. Took care of that day." I don't suppose this can continue for very long...  
  like my daddy always said.  just because you know how to write doesn't mean you have anything to say.  looks like there's a lot of bastards on low brow.   
  "i dont walk in anything but style and class" -my roomate who wears nothing but free rowing t-shirts and clown sized boots  
  I had a large iguana named fluffy who lived in my room, I allways left my window open, that iguana had lived in that room with me for years. I came back one evening and fluffy was not in my room, I wandered all over the woods for a week trying to find him calling out "fluffy" over and over again  
  I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.  While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.  I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.  Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."  "Yes?"  "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client.  Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"  "Sure."  I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.  About ten minutes later, my client showed up.  We ordered a drink and started to talk business.  A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Bill Gates.  "Hi, Ray," he said.  I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."   
  My English teacher has this retarded accent.  She can't say tomorrow.  She says "tomArrow".  Everytime she says it the class laughs and she doesn't understand why.  Today in class she said we have a paper due tomarrow.  "When Ms. E?"   "TOMARROW TOMARROW I SAID!"  Uproar of laughter.  This was the highpoint of our day.  
  I have this guy I like and am kind of seeing. About once every 2 weeks or something, and the sex is great. I will call him 'X'.   One night while having a party at my house, I drag Drunk Jorge to my bedroom and continue to do things I shouldn't have done. Well the following week X calls for a booty call, so he comes over. Again, the sex is great. 5 days later X calls me again. I thought to myself 'Yeah, twice in a week!' but instead he asks me if I was with anyone else since the last time I was with him.   I of course say no.   The next day X calls again and this time he's a bit mad at me. He asks again 'Have you been with anyone else since you've been with me?' I lie again.    He went to the doctor cause he was having pain peeing..... turns out I gave him Chlamydia  Thanks Drunk Jorge  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         During orientation at work they had a light projector.  During the section where they talk about what side of the building to smoke cigarettes etc I read ahead and the last line says, "Please dispose of your buds"  I assume it meant butts.  But considering nearly the whole office smokes bud I could barely stifle my laughter.  I cracked when this oblivious religious guy said something to the extent of, "yeah like, dispose of your buds, your friends, ah ha ha."  Yeah friends, I'm sure that's what everyone else was laughing about...    
  My boy and I (yes, the one who kills the roaches) went miniature golfing this summer. As we went in, I got the guts up to ask him how many women he has indeed slept with. At every hole, he told me who it was and what happened. He messed up a few times. He made it through the whole course. I was number 18.   
  i work at the front desk of a hotel and we have a collection of videos behind the desk for our guests to rent. you can only rent 2 at a time.  this collection includes about 10 or 15 slightly outdated soft porn videos. as a 20-year-old female i notice that most guys are embarrassed to ask me for these videos.  most.  one evening, a gentleman approached the desk with the names of a few videos he wanted to rent (where the boys arent, sex-crazed hairdressers, etc). he was unhappy about the 2 video limit, but narrowed it down to 2 and went back to his room.  no more than an hour later he returned to the desk, videos in hand, and said to me:  "do you have any videos better than these?  these 2 weren't very good."  he gave me the first 2 videos and proceded to rent 2 more.  i proceded to sterilize my hands with anti-bacterial soap.   
  NO ONE FUCKS STRIPPERS quit saying lowbrow moments as if you were actually going to do her. it is a show so they can take your money. it is a business for those girls to flash their titties at you (strippers dont have breasts, they have titties). and if you were in a strip club, why would anyone want to have sex with you? i do not say that from a moral standpoint, i say it from a social one. it is disgusting, the parts of town in which the clubs are, the women working there, and the gross fat man ogling there. gross me out  
  So I get together with this woman from work, right before I got fired. We just met to talk and have a glass of wine. She is nice, and I liked her--in a friendly way.  After a while, she pulls out the pipe. I am surpiised. She seemed like a definite non-doper. Nevertheless.  I haven't smoked in quite a while (before or since), but we pass that old pipe around. She says I should "go easy", as this stuff is kind of strong. Turns out it's about 100 times stronger than what I am used to, and my head starts to float to the ceiling. I have never been so fucked up. Then we take a walk. The neighborhood is a little blurry.  When we get back, I ask her if she would like to hop immediately into bed as I have become incredibly horny. She makes an excuse about having to pick up her kid and bolts. I make it to the bed and collapse. The room spins. It is about 7.30.  
  Today I stepped in dog shit while walking to school.  I thought to myself, i better clean this up.  but then i realized hey, im going to school, let those fuckers clean it up as i marched on.  
  Holy crap.  Right after we graduated from high school, my friends and I made this awesome potato gun.  We shot lots of potatoes.  One day one of us had a 20 oz. drink bottle, and we noticed the gun held it perfectly.  So someone filled up the bottle with piss and we got ready to shoot it.  I decided that wasn't enough, so I ran about 100 yards downrange into the desert and yelled "Betcha can't hit me!"  They missed by about 5 feet, and the bottle didn't pop, so we did it again.  
  Him:  Hey, decent blow job the other night.  Me:  Thanks.  Him:  Your speed is good, but technique is so so.   Me:  Um...it only took you 5 minutes to get off, couldn't have been that bad.  Him:   You should moan, make noises, slurp at least.  Me:  So basically...fake it? (followed by fuming silence)  Him:  Yeap.  So, wanna do it again tonight?  Me:  **CLICK**  
  House-sitting a professor's house in a Boulder canyon, we have a racoon family living in the chimney. I'm fresh off the boat, and I've never seen a racoon. Out on the porch one night for a cigarette, the daddy racoon climbs down to the porch. I'm fascinated, and stand as still as I can, careful to not scare it. It glances up, sees me, and charges. I jump right off the porch and into the canyon. Welcome to America. Almost as much fun as when I finally lured one of the gray squirrels onto my hand, and my wife said: "You know they carry bubonic plague, don't you?" You learn something every day...  
    I stepped over the broken glass and potting soil strewn across my kitchen floor, making sure not to drop full Buccaneers cup of orange juice.    "I'm taking the kids to the sitter now", my wife screamed over the crying babies from the garage.     "k'", I muttered heading down the hall and into the bathroom closest to the frontdoor.     Putting down the orange juice on the counter, I kneeled down and emptied my breakfast into the toilet with a splash and a strange groan.The world spun and slowly steadied itself.      Wiping my mouth, I noticed on the corner of my eye a now empty bottle of Olde English 800 peeking up at me from the garbage can.      I glanced at my watch.      "Shit.Work in 15 minutes."    
  I had sex in money once.  I was working as a bartender and I got a lot of small change and bills as tips that I put in my pants pockets.  When I got home, I shucked my pants while lying back on the bed and all of my change fell out.  I woke up with a quarter stuck to my ass.  
  My car has no air conidtioning, unfortunately, and I live in the HOT HOT HOT state of Florida. Well needless to say I do sweat a lot while taking half hour drives to specific locations.  Even my butt tends to get wet after sitting in the heat for so long. My friend and I are walking towards the mall, I feel as if my butt/crotch is wet, so I bend over to look without thinking about it.  I'm wearing khaki pants so maybe it'd show? So here I am in the middle of the parking lot bent over, practically staring at my own crotch, and my friend turns around and dear god, that face was classic. Purely Classic.  
  When I was young, I used to read those 'Judy Bloom' type teen books.   I tried the pencil test on my breasts - you know, if you can place a pencil under your breast, and when you let go of the pencil, it stays put, then you need to buy a bra.   My pencil repeatedly clattered to the floor, a failure.  Now I am reaching my late twenties, and my ass is beginning to pass the pencil test.   
  I was raging drunk after a night of taking shots of Bacardi 151 in my dorm room. In my intoxicated frenzy I demonstrated to my friends how one could go about breathing fire with a swig of the highly potent(and highly flammable) spirit.  The first time I did it, they seemed pretty impressed. The second time around they were peering out of the second story window I had just fallen out of, after having set my hands on fire.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think everyone has to find thereself in something.  Some people find it in sports, music, or the arts, etc... It is, in the words of Ralph Waldo Emmerson, man's goal in life to know thyself.  It just so happens I find myself in doing drugs and meditating.  
  Chlamydia, round 1.  So it was either the skinhead tow truck driver Vince, or Brian the drummer around the corner. I fucked both of 'em right before I went off to camp in '99. Anyway, I came back and had my yearly STD test. A week later I got a call from a lady at the free clinic.  Her: "Your test came out positive for chlamydia."  Me: "No shit?"  Her:    Me: "Well, I guess that explains the itching and burning."     
  my sister went to see her asshole ex-boyfriend again last night. she had a list of things to pack.  so as not to forget anything vital. under "toothpaste" i added "butcher knife with which to remove john's fingers." she wasn't as amused as i was.  
  i was ready to end it before finals, but i didn't have the balls to break up with him.  i went back home that summer, and so did he.  i slept with practically the first three men i saw, and then i told him about it on the phone.  i was curious, what does one do when faced with an unfaithful girlfriend?  he cried and begged me to stop sleeping with these other guys.  i was surprised.  itold him i would stop, but i kept sleeping with one anyway.  Then I told him about it again.  it was like a sick psychological experiment.    it took us another month or so to break up for good.  Sometimes i wonder how he's doing.       
  a friend of mine once got his hands on some primo acid...  so there were the four of us: me, him, his roommate and the roommate's girlfriend, and for awhile we were having a grand time. great music, great stimuli planted in strategic places around the apartment. i was having a fine time, for awhile. and then the music and the stimuli just started to piss me off, so i curled up on my friend's bed buried in his comforter and kind of sank into a big black void, sort of like when renton ODs in "trainspotting"; remember that movie?  anyway, i awaken some unknown time later to the sound of the roommate and his girlfriend having sex (she was a screamer--a fact that always made me and my friend laugh), and my friend passed out on the floor in the den.  i found out a week later that i had mono, and that i had probably had it for several weeks before getting it diagnosed.   so now i know what it feels like to trip when you have mono.  i don't speak to any of them anymore.    
  one of the things which continues to surprise me is the speed and power with which vomit propells itself out of your mouth.  i recently had a bout of food poisoning and felt the need to hurl as i sat in the living room. I ran to the kitchen sink, holding my hand to my mouth but before i reached the sink i puked. I though my hand would be enough to prevent a major spillage on the floor.  i was wrong.  the puke not only spurted out of the sides of my mouth but actually made its way out of my nose. i thought i was going to do a hendrix. so i let it all out before i could suffocate on it.  cleaning it all up was quite horrific as well. god...that smell...  
   One Morning at Waffle House  She poked at her disgusting, cold slop while I devoured my piping hot eggs and bacon. We had watched her breakfast sit on the greasy counter while they finished mine. As our waitress walked away, the other waitress called out to her, "You really gotta go git checked out, I guarantee that there is infected..."   
  Montreal, Quebec, Canada, spring of 2001, I walk into a restroom in the "underground mall" section of the city.  The rest of the underground area is really nice, but this bathroom is pretty dingy.  The only other guy in there is a French-Canadian fellow with an Expo's windbreaker and an untamed, greasy mullet jammed underneath a generic red baseball cap.  So, I take my place at the urinal and begin to relieve myself.  I finish up and then go over to the sink to wash my hands.  As I finish washing up, it occurs to me at this point that the other guy in the room is STILL at his urinal.  I look over to him, and he him kind of bouncing up and down.  I realize that he's kind of grunting to.  He was obviously masturbating into a bathroom stall in a Canadian mall.  I got the hell out of there.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have a vibrator that's not really a vibrator at all, but a back masager that you have to plug into the wall.  the unfortunate thing here is that all the outlets in my room are full because of my endless amount of video games and other nerd-related paraphanalia.  so, i have to plug it into my computer's power strip.  i used to think this was completely normal until i really stopped to think about it one day.  god, it's good to be a nerd.  
  As I was taking my low-brow reading comedy half an hour. I felt a sneeze coming on. So obv, I sneezed, not once but twice..not just the reg 2 times in a row but half way through the first one, The other one came also...leading to snot being flung everywhere. To make matters worse my cat was sitting on my lap. As I look down I see snot hanging from his ear and all over the key board....today has been interesting and it is only 2 pm   
   We are sailing in the Caribbean. The French antilles. We need to round up some provisions. I send Hal, a rough 'n' ready redneck texan friend to the grocery store.  He picks up a bunch of cans of beef stew which is nice and easy to preapre. We left port and hit the open water. Except of course that he doesn't sepak French.  When he prepared it I said: "Shit! This looks like dogfood!". I smelled it, ran to the galley, and the idiot bastard had bought 14 cans of French puppy chow!               I was pissed-off, made him scrub the head for the next week, but secretly it only tasted half-bad.       
  Sitting in a London pub. Talking to a man from Zambia.  He says he is the "Minister of Minds".  I've had a few.  He's had a few. He pulls out a hotel key.  The moment I realize he actually thinks I am a hooker.   
  i thought to myself, "hey, why is everyone dressed up as Tommy Gnosis?", you know, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  Then, I realized it was the beginning of Lent.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Those people that think that it sucks to wake up in a puddle of their own blood have obviously not woken up in a puddle of somebody elses.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate when I go to take that first leak in the morning at work and realize that I'm wearing yesterday's undies.  Every thing else is clean, but for some reason when I got out of the shower I put on the same damned pair of boxers.  
  someone asked if there was a way to get a cum stain out of a pillow.   - i read in a book, "Survivor" by Chuck Palhunick, the guy who wrote "Fight Club" that cum leaves a calcium stain.  he said club soda.  that's the best i can do.  
  Last night I was high and had the munchies, but accidentally dropped the cookie I was about to eat between the computer desk and the wall where I couldn't reach.  I tried moving the desk, but ended up constructing a tool made out of the pvc piping my laundry bag holder is made out of, and a coat hanger.   In retrospect all I can think of is watching Animal Planet when they show how Chimps catch termites.  
  About a minute ago, I had to sneeze.  The tension was rising in my sinuses...  It soom became apparent I was about to burst.  Oh, this one was to be huge..  I have no tissues around, and no time to get-   Sploosh!   damn.    And a bowl's worth of snot splatters into my hand.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the past week I have:  Made two Catholic girls realize that there is no way they're going to make it through college without fucking and so should have sex with somebody "they can trust will treat them right"...me  Left three copies of Penthouse along with a jar of vasoline at the local St. Benedictine Monastary where I had to go on a fieldtrip.  Convinced two Catholics that if Jesus were to return, he'd never want to see another fucking cross again and thus Churches were talking out of their asses.  Merry Christmas  
  My daughter and I went to see "Austin Powers Goldmember" today, and when we came out, she had a very thoughtful look on her face. What? I asked. "You know what I want? I want a midget for a pet. I really do." I love that girl.   
  My friend and her husband share the same AOL screen name. Sometimes he signs on and starts talking to me to see if Im hitting on her and basically find out if we are having an online affair.  The lowbrow part is that her and I talk so much that I can actually tell the difference now...I really need to sign off once in a while.... *sigh*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we met online.  introduced by a mutual "friend".  she was hot. sent me naked pics. she really did look like that when we met in real life about 4 months later.   i was on tour with a really big rock band you all have heard of. all the guys stopped teasing me that she was going to be a guy when she showed up.  damn she was fine. i thought i'd met the girl of my dreams.  i moved to texas to be with her.   one night, about 6 weeks after i moved there, she tells me she has herpes.   after we have sex.   that sucked the hard right out of my dick and i haven't been the same since.  we tried to make it work for a bout six months after that. but when you live with someone who makes a habit of lying, you either sell your soul or leave.  it's been a little over a year since i moved back home. i think about her every day. i don't cry any more, but it still hurts a lot. i gave up my whole life for a lying, cheating whore.   and what does that say about me? that's the part that's been the hardest to get over...      
  flying on southwest and get a pack of peanuts.  I read the label and at the bottom is a handy warning: "This product was made in a facility that processes peanuts"  ahh stupidity  
  The worst line I ever heard was when some guy who'd spent our entire "friendship" trying to get me in bed told me that he was incredibly fucked up and in therapy because, according to his therapist, I had "emotionally emasculated" him by not fucking him.  I felt very pussy-empowered after that.  
  Okay.  I just jacked off to a man and woman having sex while talking about college classes.  Possibly the most erotic thing in the past week.   The fucking variety of porn you find these days. Fuckin 'a.  
  my life is a twisted dance of spite and sorrow.  i think im superior because i say stuff like "nilistic turd burglar".  only i can understand the subtle hidden jibes behind my words.  trying to sound clever and deep, pitifull really.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          We meet at the bar after voting in the recent election.  He said "I voted for her for governor because she looks like a topless dancer."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i've been asking my dear soon-to-be-departed for money for the last couple of weeks, and she's always said: "I don't have any. I'm sorry."  Last night, my boy decides he and I should camp out in my motorhome and roast marshmallows. He goes to her and asks for marshmallow money.  She opens her wallet and takes out a sheaf of $20s. She looks panicked for a minute, until she finds a $10, which she hands to me without even a trace of a blush.  Yipee! A Mastercard moment in the making: Marshmallows:  $0.67c 2-for-1 pack of Salems: $5.51  (throw in a few empty 12-packs, and)  12-pack of Old Milwaukee: $4.99 Watching her choke on the desire to ask for change:  priceless!   
  Had a pretty big party in a hotel room this one time...  One of the guys I was with started ushering people out of the room, we were all drunk so we just followed along...  Next thing we know, the door locks behind us, we hear the maid blocker snap shut, and there is a 'do not disturb' sign hanging on the door...  We put two and two together, and realize that he just kicked us out of our own room to get busy with a chick...  I say to my friends that I wish I had a camera, and suddenly one appears in front of my face...  I turn to the door, grab the 'do not disturb' sign and swipe it down the door to knock open the maid blocker, then use my key to get in the room...  A quick step around the corner, fire the camera off into total darkness...  It's the most beautiful photo I've ever taken...  
  An old song I hadn't heard in forever came on the radio. At first I was nostalgic, then I realized I didn't really like it as much as I used to. I mentioned this oddity to my husband. "It could be" he remarked "because the last time you heard it I was going down on you for about a half hour." Context, my friends, is everything.  
  Okay, so I was in my office, surfing porn and reading lowbrow, flipping back and forth  porn  'brow  porn  'brow  my co-worker walks in so I close the browser window as quick as I can...  oops, I closed lowbrow...  
  When I was in 6th grade I found one of my dad's pornos.  Good stuff.  Well cut to the future, I was 16 and I was gonna have sex for the first time.   Good thing I payed attention to the porno, I fondled the breasts like a pro.  I licked the bean like I was fucking Jaun Valdez.    But after about 5 minutes of poking around I made my mistake. I pulled out, yanked the condom off, and squirted my man juice in her hair and face.    I thought shit im cool, she screamed.  She flew off the handle. I couldnt believe she didtn like it, all the girls in the porno did!  
  I dated a topless dancer in my early to mid 20's.  Everynight she would come home too tired to count the hundred of dollars she made.  "I'll just count it in the morning", she'd say.  So when she fell asleep, I'd get up and steal $100 bucks or so out of her bag. It was some type of mental payback for her shaking her tits & ass in strange guy's faces, I guess.  he he he he he       
  i wanted a thick black tatoo after i left her selfish ass in dc i wanted the pain to be one i chose one that never went away and began and end when i chose        
  so blitzen found out i wrote here under the pseudonym that connotes the immortal mr cummings hope she dont blow my cover it sucks falling from anonymity      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's nothing like the cry of a mother who has heard the following conversation from her 18 year old son:  "Say what you will about Vaseline and Astroglide, the best lube is blood."    
  everyone here really hated high school; i think we can all agree on that. i didn't want to go to my graduation. my parents forced me to go. we had loud, angry fights about it. i didn't want to go to he reception afterwards. my parents forced me to go. we had loud, angry fights about that, too.  i had hated all my classmates with a vengeance for four years, and there i was trapped in my school gym with all of them, drinking godawful green punch and wishing i could have either gotten out of there or died on the spot. neither happened.  looking back on it now, i should have bolted the doors shut and burned down the gym with all of my classmates inside, in order to prevent them from going out into the world and reproducing. (note to anyone from the Sanderson High School--raleigh nc--class of 1994 that may be reading this: that means YOU.)  that was 7 years ago. i still hold that entire horrible day against my parents. i will probably never forgive them for it.  today, i have a shrink and a prescription for Zoloft.  ahhh, pharmaceuticals.  
  The average person has one testicle and one ovary.    The moment comes after this statement, when you realize how long it takes you to understand it.  
  Night of a thousand gas caps.  This was our initiation task to get into an exclusive "club" back in college back in the early '80's.  Four of us set out on a cool fall evening.  Some seven hours, dozens of parking lots and garages and about a dozen joints later we were about still about 300 short.  But we had had enough.  Even though we didn't make the goal, the executive was impressed enough at our two and a half garbage bags full of gas caps that they gave us admission anyway.  All I could think of was the various inventory managers at local car parts stores wondering why they sold more freaking gas caps in one day then they did in the last 5 years.  
  Mr. Steadman, the Chemistry teacher, excitedly explained why the flame turns orange when glass gets hot.    "Well, you'd be excited if you were that hot, too!"    
  I didn't want to be there. It was bad enough I had to be back in my hometime - it was even worse that my so called friends dragged me out to the worst pub in town. It didn't matter what great new music there was out there, all the DJ played was "American Pie", various Led Zep tunes, and Queen. The fact it was the late 90's obviously escaped the guy in the booth. But what really topped off the evening was when a friend of my fathers, in his 50's who obviously didn't recognise his fishing pals little girl, leant across my table and bellowed in my ear: "Do you want to come back to my place for a fuck?"  
  God bless the woman who invented the RUSTY TROMBONE.  It when she eats my ass and while jerking me off in the front.  Rusty trombone... get it.  
  i was just recently re-united with an old friend. Captain Morgan and i haven't seen each other in quite a while.  thanks lowbrow. you're kinda like one of those shitty day time talk shows...strange, but allways entertaining stuff most of the time, but every now and then...you really do some good  
  Sitting in computer/tv room, doing the lowbrow thing.  My grandmother is watching Saving Private Ryan on ABC, unedited.  First war scene starts, the D-day, Landing in Normandy.  Two minutes into it, she turns off the tv.  "Whoops, I didn't mean to do that." "What?  Turn off the tv?" (Tv comes back on) "No."  (Turns up volume)  I think my grandma is a sick fuck.  A screaming fight ensues in the adjacent room.  She gets up and closes the door so she can hear the Tv better.    
  I still can't send a citrus fruit to my family via the Internet, so what's the big deal?        
  I'm sitting there listening to him talk. All the while trying to project just the right amount of "I'm so into what your saying" mixed with a little "I want to see you naked" when the carmel apple pop I'm licking in what I hope is a seductive manner sticks to my goddamn tongue ring like fucking cement.  I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be sexy while drooling and trying to remove an evil carmel confection from my sore (and now bleeding) tongue.  
    The Birth Of Advertising, Take 2   A hundred years before Kliban came out with his cartoon showing a horse shitting out advertising executives, someone hung a sign in the window of a midwest department store: " Straw Hats On Sale Our straw hats are so cheap that it'd be worth your while to run them through your horse and fertilize your garden ".  
  Two doors over is a man with a deaf dog. The dog never stops barking. The man goes out and screams at it to shut up on an hourly basis.  His wife drinks a lot.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you know how people ride horses, right? i have always wanted to do the same, except instead of a horse a giant penguin. before you say i am crazy, just think about how cool it would be, riding a penguin through the streets of NYC during a blizzard. and then the bastard decides he wants to slide. come on, how could that not be awesome?  
  It's sad to think about the people you didn't know well back in high school.   The only memory I have of one guy I graduated with is from the senior campout next to the river in early May, after he jumped in with all his clothes on. He woke up about an hour later, kindly wrapped in blankets next to the fire.  He looks up, fear in his eyes: "Where the FUCK are my pants?"     Hi Kerry, from Emily. I'll probably never talk to you again.  
  Once pissed with my mates, we decided it was time to splash the boots (Aussie slang for urination for those unsure)  Anyhow for some reason this store door seemed to catch our fancy. We all took to peeing on it and felt bad afterwards. Our solution? A friendly note:  'Dear Shopkeep,  Unfortunatly we have urinated on your door. Please find the attached 20cents to deal with any sanitation requirements.'  Ahh, nothing quite beats kindness  
  There's nothing quite like dropping an entire tray of ice on your kitchen floor that says "you might want to reconsider having that after-bar nightcap cocktail".  Fuck it, common sense never got in the way of a good drunk.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yes," he said, "I once had a glorious mullet."  
  the chick who cuts my hair filed for divorce.  she said, "i got my own apartment, before i told him that i was filing"  "nothing says 'goodbye' like your own apartment", i told her.  then she rinsed.  
  i dont know why i remember this, but i do.  when i was in 3-6th grade, i would always daydream about a bad guy or robber comming in and holding up the class room. then i would walk to the front of the room, and tell him that i was on his side. then, as he began to trust me, i would jam a sharp pencil into his neck and kill him. i guess i thought about that so that people would like me because i was a hero. that never happened, so people never liked me.  
  A friend and I occasionally walked home from middle/junior high/intermediary brain washing school. We had to walk down a path through the middle of a desert. A somewhat busy street (for a rural area, anyway) dissected the path.  About 20 yards from the road was a place where people decided it was appropriate to dump everything from refrigerators to recliners to air conditioners.  So my friend and I would sometimes drag random appliances to the middle of the road and take off.  I always wondered who the unlucky person was who had to get out of their car to move the shit.  
  Tig and I were watching the Wizard of Floyd (Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon playnig), and I was eating a chocolate candy and Tig said something funny which caused me to crack up and a piece of chocolate went up into my nasal ducts, liquefied, and chocolate came out my nose for about a half hour I specifically went online to complain about it  
  At parties, I've learned to bring three or four packs of cigarettes, and hide two of the packs, because, when you wake up in the morning there, and everything is trashed, and you're the only one that dosn't have a really bad hang over, and it's up to you to make breakfast, and you realise that you ran out of cigarettes last night at around 2 in the morning, you gotta go around to all the ash trays, and get all the tobacco that you can from the already smoked basic butts of rollys and already made ones alike, and getting some rolling papers, and rolling yourself a cigarette out of already smoked tobacco. Re-fry baby.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I'm under the influence of any drug - alcohol included, nicotine excluded - I often feel like exploring the world. Last new years eve my inclination to discover geographical sites while drunk took a turn for the worse.  I got two friends to tag along. Just to simplify things, lets call them J and C. Exploration is tempting for the lonely, you know. We were out walking along the streets of the town in which we'd been partying all night. Outside a local bar three girls stood restlessly smoking, seeming to be waiting for something. Drunken and happy I walked up and asked if they'd like to join our entourage. Acceptance was final, and we all strode along. After a little while, it seemed my friends and the girls were determined to locate a good place to "celebrate" the beginning of the new year. I, as the adventurer I am, declined their invitation to join in on this celebration, since I really wanted to continue my exploration of this city unknown.  Well, why go on, and not just fast forward to 23:59:59 December 31st year 2001.  J is fucking like a rabbit.  C is having a menage- -trois  I am, after a failed attempt to find the edge of the world, sitting quietly on a bench next to Mr Andersson, the hobo.    
  Our feet touched ever so slightly, the ball of my foot caressing his to the sounds of Pink Floyd.  "Is he still asleep?"    "Yes," I replied while staring at the image of our feet entwined.   And still we sat, letting the moment take hold and all the while I knew that my fiance was laying  in the next room.  
  I went to a restaurant and I got fried chicken. It was horribly burned, just awful. I'd already paid, and I said, "I can't eat this." They said, "Legally, you've touched it. So you have to eat it." I ended up throwing the chicken all over the restaurant and screaming, "You can suck this burned shit out of my ass." I got in a fight with some dishwashers. By then, my friends were sitting out in the car waiting for me. We drove away while the restaurant owner wrote down our license number in a very menacing way.    
  My little brother is only a year youger than me.  Growing up we shared EVERYTHING.  I might have been the most unpopular kid ever.  Grades 2-8, we went to all the same schools.  I got picked on all the time.  Minus the 1 or 2 times someone took pity on me, I sat entirely alone EVERY lunch break.  I mean every fucking one.  Going home and crying was almost a daily thing.  Even my little brother was to cool to sit with "that kid".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was watching "kids in the hall" today.  one of the "kids" looks into the camera and says "its one of those days.  you feel like calling in sick at work........  if you had a job.  one of those days when all you want to do is watch tv, eat corn chips, and masturbate."  i took stock of my current situation.  two down...  i'll let you guess.  "do you know that feeling?  of course you do!"  i laughed for a few seconds.  then i started to cry.  
  i was staggering down the early morning street caught my reflection in a store window head and face looked like they had been run through a meat grinder hhmmmmm i thought nice pants  
  there is a big jar of vaseline in the linen closet in my hall, and every night i take a little bit and put it on my chapped lips, it works like a miracle drug.  anyway, last night my parents decided that at nine thirty it was time for bed.  i surfed the brow for a few more hours, and then headed up.  reaching for the vaseline someone has taken a fistful's worth out.  my parents are disgusting.   
  Not long after we sat down down at the table, "Ma",I said, "just stay out of it!". "What the fuck do you know", my wife snapped at her, "It's none of your fucking business".But it was too late. My wife, in form that would have made any frisbee footballer proud, had already hurled her plates a good twenty-five yards fragmenting to small pieces as they hit they ground.   The each bolted in opposite directions. Doors slammed hard in unison with a finality I had never seen before in either.   I poured myself another glass of wine and finished my salad. It was going to be a long night.....      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Spam hits the wall.  Slowly, slowly dripping.  My haiku fails miserably.    
  My sister, the suburban matron mommy queen, was pregnant with her third, hugely so. The doctor told her now that she was so far along, she could have the occasional glass of wine in the evening. So she was sitting on her front porch in her new neighborhood, sipping a nice zinfandel, when a lady goes by walking her dog. She introduces herself and says she lives down the way, welcome to the block, yadda yadda. Then she looks my sister in the eye, takes the wine glass out of her hand, and says "You can't be drinking that, not in your condition." My sister picks the glass back up, slugs back at least half, and sighs "I know, I know... but the doctor thought it would help me calm down from this damn crack withdrawl." And people wonder if my temperment runs in the family.  
  Yes, so I thought I'd come along with my friends and watch the Jazz festival at Darling Harbour in Sydney.  I befriended a bottle of vodka, and of course, free refills of lemonade from Burger King.  I don't remember anything after that.  Apparently I also downed three longnecks, was thrown out of a few pubs, took a leak in the middle of the street, then wandered off in a drunken trance to the train station.  So, I finally come around quite a few hours later and find myself on a train heading to the south coast, 3 hours from Sydney and in the opposite direction of home.  It was a vommity ride back home.  Ahh, I love drunken adventures.  
  I used to have a Chia-Pet.    It died.  I buried it in the backyard - next to my fish.     
  pounders with a straw brilliance exclaim i        
  gym teachers wear the funniest lookin shorts on the planets....but they are mostly all fuckin perverts anyways  
  "Think of it as jumping into a swimming pool. You've done that lots of times.", I said to myself.  
  sitting naked and sweaty on a leather couch really hurts when you jump off and you balls stick to the cushion  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In fifth grade we had DARE graduation.  They made us stand up, and with our hands our our hearts, repeat some pledge about never smoking or drinking or doing drugs.   In the back of my mind I was thinking "Yeah right.  I know I'm going to do all of those some day." To this day I haven't met anyone else who knew they weren't going to keep that promise.  
  I had just finished up lunch at this great Hunan place with my lesbian lunch buddy.  So We're sitting the little park in Chinatown SF where all the retired Chinese guys play their games and do lots of spitting on the ground.  Right as we sit down this younger guy walks by real slow and stares me down the whole time, then he stops a few feet away from us and just keeps staring.  So I give the instinctive "WHAT?!!? I don't know you kid, keep walking"  So he does and my friend looks at me like that was kinda mean don't you think?  But then I explain how he was staring and she understands.  5 minutes pass and here he comes again.  I try to avoid eye contact to keep the peace but he walks up and stands right in front on me.  So I yell "What the fuck do you want buddy?!?!?!?"   So he replies in a very retarded voice "nDo youn Hanave a Snikeratte?", as he holds his hand to his mouth in the international 'got a smoke?' gesture.  Nothing like starting shit with the handicapped on your lunch break to remind you how lowbrow you are.   
  You know you no longer have a life when you spend more time fantasizing about being Captain Picard then having sex with your co-workers. someone give me a life. please. make it so.  
  I just had my first lucid dream(i.e. a dream where you are aware that you are dreaming), but i can't tell anyone. Thats because i spent the whole dream flying around my room jerking off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My neighbors 19 year old uneducated, unemployable, slut daughter got married to some guy just out of Air Force boot camp. They met in a tattoo parlor and "dated" for a month. He got transferred out west. Here it is 5 1/2 months later and her stupid parents have gone to get her because, to quote her mom, "...he only likes to do her from behind. That way he doesn't have to look at her." Her mom told me and my wife that shit....and they are surprised that the marriage isn't working.  Holy crap I live next door to fucking white trash.  
  Either my parents know that I jerk off all the time and just don't care, or they're really stupid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i see all these people complaining about booger disposal problems... whatever happened to just eating it? all you're doing is a little relocation. it's not going to kill you...   
  I had a lot of friends in high school but only had a few that I would hang out with.  One of which reguarly threatened my life and others with his car.  He once made a left turn from the right lane of a 4 laned road, cutting off the woman in the next lane severly.... don't know how we managed not to get hit.  On our way home from school he had to make a right turn into my neighborhood.  There was a woman waiting to make a left turn out of my neighborhood.  He promptly drove his car as close as possible to the front of this woman's car and stared at her for a minute (two black high school kids vs an old white lady).  Never got in trouble for that.  Not everything was his fault though.  One time while driving down a major street, the driver side door just flew completely open.  I had to sit in the back and hold the door closed as we drove to a mechanic.  And yet we are still alive.  But what gets me though is that when I finally got a car, he wouldn't race me in my neighborhood because, "I was crazy."    
  i wished him my best but i knew the underlying truth for him, dating this girl was like eating peanut butter with chopsticks it works, but it's just not meant to be that way  
  There is a gas station in upstate New York that has a huge sign of a female beaver in an American flag bathing suit.  This beaver had the biggest rack I've ever seen.  They literally jutted out from the sign in two huge, beautiful 3-D mounds.  We took a picture and kept driving.  
  I can't really imagine what it's like to actually fuck a girl.        
  I'm in a fast food 'restaurant' late, late one Saturday night. I'm drunk on vodka, beer and whiskey and I think I'm very smooth talking away to this girl who is ordering my food for me.  When it arrives she quickly slides it along the table to me, says "Here's your food" and runs, actually *runs* out the door.  I turn to a girl I used to know and have just met again and say "And that's the effect I have on the female of the species".  It's a sad state of affairs when such a low-light of a night is in fact a high-light for me.  I really need a holiday.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          American Dream #216  Getting one of them really expensive seafood  and  steak entrees  and  an appetizer  and  big fruity drinks  and  dessert at Applebee's -and not from the luncheon menu, neither.  
  Last night after jerking off, jizz splatters, I roll around and say, "Ooh that's nice."  Then I stop, pause, realize, shit. I didn't actually orgasm. Fucking premature ejaculation.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting in accounting class when my teacher was having trouble reaching the cord for the projector screen.  She called on Tom to reach it because he was tall. She said "Do your magic Tom."  Then to the class she says, "It's amazing what a couple of inches can do." I think that is the most sexual an accounting class has ever gotten.  
  I went to texas once on vacation.  Being a California boy I expected some coyboy like activity. On my first night there I was invited to go cow tipping and then to a kegger.  If I went could not smoke my clove cigarettes. I ended up at your basic off freeway country bar instead.  I proceded to get stoned while my father sung "Everybody Must Get Stoned" on karoake. It was new years.   
  16/01/02  He said he didn't want us to become poly if it was only an excuse to do stuff with other people.  Well shit, isn't that the point?  
       I was changing the oil in the car and it was still pretty warm from the engine running. I got the oil on my hands and yelled "Hey, hot oil! I guess this could be considered auto-erotic!"       My mom thought it was funny.   
  from a friend:  Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.   
  My old house was on a hill. If you went into the backyard, and walked around to the side of the garage, you could see over the fence into the huge communal cement backyard/driveway area that the row of houses -- the ones that were at the base of the hill -- shared.  The upshot of all this was that I could, even as a child, wind up and easily throw a rock, dirt clod or overripe cherry tomato (from our own garden!) into the midst of any kids hanging out down there.  Of course, I got caught a bunch of times. But who could resist the temptation? It was like being a god. I was thirty feet in the air and safe behind a vine-encrusted fence.  I could also drop garbage over the fence, and it would end up in this narrow crevice next to a garage... invisible to everyone except me. Every time I broke a plate, or mixed bathroom chemicals together to see what would happen, or melted one of my brother's toys by setting it on fire, I could dispose of the evidence by dropping it down into this crevice. I called it "The Bottomless Pit."  Boy, I miss that backyard.  
  I know what you do when I'm not looking.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's a long flight, it's a big airplane. There's lots of room to stretch, and a lot of people to talk to if you don't feel like sleeping. Soft plushy seats, warming calm glow. Nuturing hum of engines for eight hours' rest.  Then you realize; the chatty Euroshit fucker next to you has enough "alternative/unique" hardcore porno mags to get him across the whole fucking ocean and back again.  
  The boss gives everyone in the creative department black hardcover books for Christmas with "stupid" pasted on each cover with that old-school indented red plastic tape. "For all your stupid ideas, stupid humor, stupid tricks,stupidity and stupid intelligence," quoteth he.  Stupid, indeed. I'd get more mileage from a Starbucks gift card. I already know how to keep my stupid thoughts to myself.  
  I had gone out with a girl for a year and a half and she never once told me I was sexy. (She once told me my best friend had a bigger and better package than me - but that's another story)  After that I met this other girl who let me sleep on her couch one night and the next day we spent in her bed. She told me I was gorgeous, that I had a sexy voice, that I was sexy. I broke up with her after a week.  I still see the first girl nearly every day. She keeps me around for company and makes me feel like shit.  I wish I'd never broken up with that second girl.  I'm such a fucking idiot.  
  we were all into stripping off our clothes and pawing at each other in a fitted frenzy.  i went down on him and as he moaned, i laid down on the bed to receive mine.  he looked at me blankly.   i told him i wanted him to taste me.  i don't like hair in my mouth, he says.  i look down, i'm pretty closely shaved.  i didn't like it the times i tried it, he tries again.  oh, I say, and roll over and grab my dress off the floor. he has never tasted of me, how does he know it will be bad?  i am very clean.  where are you going?  how is that supposed to make me feel?  we have been together for a while now and still you resist giving me something that would pleasure me immensily, using excuses that don't apply here.  i can't help but take it personal.  
  I remember back when I was at a camp and I got up at night to go to the bathroom, just as I leave the room I shared with three other guys I hear the sounds of someone getting out of their bunk. "I guess I woke someone up and they have to go to the bathroom too." I thought, and didn't really care, so I continued on. So I get in and take a piss, I come out and notice the other bathroom is occupied, I presume with the other member of my room I awoke. So I go back to the room, keep in mind it is almost pitch black, and in the faint moonlight through the window I saw the person in the bunk above me was missing, so I logically assumed he was the person I had heard get up and go to the bathroom. (Remember this is all through a haze of half sleep, not really thinking about every detail as it happened) and so I go to climb into my bunk and I hear a flashlight click on, onto a face lying in my sleeping bag and he says "Wanna shnoogle?" in a Swiss accent. Just the head, with the flashlight on it and the sleep accentuated shock made me yelp and fall backwards onto the floor. I don't know if you can quite understand without being there, but at that instant I might have pissed myself if I hadn't just come back from the bathroom. Of course everyone in the room was laughing at me, then I laughed too, but that one instant, "Wanna shnoogle?" will be burned forever in my brain.  
  I once worked at a lumber yard and there was an attractive woman who worked in billing who had a glass eye. She once asked me if I'd seen her clipboard and I said "No, but I'll keep an eye out for you." She could burn holes with just one good eye. Whoops.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i lost a man and thirty pounds a year and a half ago and that fat ass i had got a lot more action than this skinny one  
  i was 15 and on vacation for 2 weeks with my whole family.  with my vibrator and massaging showerhead at home and mom and dad around 24/7, needless to say masturbation opportunities were few.  one night we stayed at a hotel and we all went into the jacuzzi.  i saw those bubbling jets and suddenly it seemed like a real good idea to go for it.  i got off in front of grandma.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sure, I drink sometimes. Beer, a couple of times per week, especially after a horrendous day at work or other idiocy.  My body knows beer. Beer is a good friend. Beer doesn't cause:  1) my hair to fall out 2) sexual dysfunction 3) irritability 4) Nausea (unless I drink too much, which I usually don t) 5) headaches 6) insomnia 7) diarrhea 8) constipation 9) nervousness 10) depression 11) anxiety 12) etc.  All of the above are side affects of the most popular and "in" anti depressants such as Paxil, Prozac, Welbutrin, Effexor, etc. recommended by doctors who watch for  chemical imbalances    another  in  thing.  I'll stick to beer any day of the week when I feel a bout of depression or experience a hard day at work. Beer has been around way longer than any of the  in  meds.   
  I studied abroad in college for a year.  To keep my friends & I entertained, we drank & took nude pictures of ourselves in filthy positions; we sent them to our boyfriends at home.  One day, my friend was downloading the photos from her digital camera onto a disk.  The computer was really shitty & locked up halfway through the download.  She was already late for class, so she left the computer as it was -- forgetting the disk.  Several guys in my class ogled me intently for the next week or so...  
  At the bar last week, my friend asked me what had happened to her cigarette.  I lifted up my arm, as I had been unknowingly leaning on it for the last few minutes, without feeling the slightest burn.  But i did have a nice long burn mark. I woke up the next day, only to find a second burnmark on the inside of my upper right arm.  Still don't know how that happened, but I can only assume that while I was dancing with the same girl whose cigarette had burnt me earlier, she must've accidentally burnt me again.  And i still didnt feel it.   Now I just want to test how far this'll go.  How much pain can i have inflicted on me while i'm drinking, and still not feel anything.   I think I'm gonna go drinking this weekend and find out   
  The best time of my life was when I was sitting in my friend's appartment in Miami durring a summer heatwave, he had no air conditioning.   What he did have was a BB gun replica of a Steyer Aug (assault rifle) equiped with a night vision scope.  I was high as a fuck, smoking a cigarette as he stepped out to go to the corner store for more cheap vodka (Popov, straight, no chaser) I picked up the BB gun, turned on the starlight scope, turned off the light and started popping off the fucking "palmetto bugs" for those of you who don't know what one of these is, it's a 2-4 inch cockroach (heh heh, cockroach, heh heh) that flies.  Those things are disgusting as all getup.  I snagged a record 46 kills in the time it took him to walk to the store and back. The truely lowbrow moment was when he walked in, drunk, high, and about 2 minutes from heatstroke, turned on the light to reveal the splattered carcases of almost 50 cockroaches all over his living room.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i refuse to accept offers from my friends to be set up on blind dates.  it's not that i'm afraid the guy'll turn out to be a huge loser and i'll hate him, it's that i'm afraid the guy's the set me up with will think that about me.          
  I found myself whacking off tonight wearing a Santa hat on acid....  I don't know which is worse, the fact this happened, or the amount of stupid phrases that could be associated with that comment ('tis the season, happy holidays, etc..), or that I posted them anyway.  
  He did not look  out of place at the picnic. He loaded his plate and reached into the ice cold water of the wastub and pulled out a Coke.  He opened it with his teeth and spit the  cap between the breast of the preachers wife. She smiled while the preacher decided if this man was a sinner in need or the devil himself.        
  I heard a guy once say that "The worst feeling in the world is lying alone in bed with cum on your chest and having nobody next to you."  I disagree    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 17 and having a fling with a 32 year old who I came into contact with at work. He was divorced with two kids.   We were at his house in his room having sex when one of the kids knocks on the door and says, "we know what you're doing in there!"  
                                                   Traveling 3000 miles across country to the oral sex convention and then realizing i had Lock Jaw.     
  This girl in my school writes up a packet of paper she refers to as a "zine." I asked her why didn't just call it a magazine. She said that the word wasn't derived from magazine. I asked what it was derived from. Her reply was "fanzine". So I asked her what that was derived from. She changed the subject.  Lately I've taken to subtly mocking her until she cries, then laughing my ass off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend S. likes to make a lot of sarcastic jokes. He also started making a list of things he can't joke about around me, because my personal experiences with those issues now creep him out. So far, the list includes: -adultery  (S.:"How's your married boyfriend?") -stalking  (S.:"Watch out, I think he's stalking you." Me:"Again? Another one?") -mental illness  (S.:"I think he's schizophrenic" Me:"I don't think so, my ex is schizophrenic, and he acted a lot differently") -drugs  (Me: "no, cocaine doesn't actually do that to people.") -nudity  (don't ask. Alcohol makes my clothes fall off.)  
   "Do you get salary at Wired?" he asked as I handed him the lime green tube of UltraBrite brand toothpaste, always on sale for $1.29.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  To those with children:  If your kids cannot keep from screaming and running and destroying all in sight for the length of a single trip to the grocery/book/department store, leave the little urchins at home.  I don't smoke in non smoking sections of restaraunts.  The same logic applies.  Why should I be saddled with your problem?  I do *NOT* want to share in the experience of child rearing.  Please do not attempt to force it on me by bringing your evil spawn to the movie theater or, in gods name, a frigging sports bar.  A sports bar?  What the hell is a 3 year old kid doing in a sports bar?  I'm sorry you can't find a babysitter.  You knew, dammit, you knew that you would have to give up some things when you had children.  If you don't want the things, call the child welfare office and tell them that if they don't come get the little darlings right this instant, you're going to stop feeding them.  That should do the trick.  If you children mind you and behave, fantastic.  I'd love to meet them.  If they scream a great deal, break things, and are unable to move at a slower pace than a sprint, leave them at home so that I don't have to hear it.  thanks        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so here's my new moment: let me start of by saying i'm a male college student, and i'd like to consider myself good looking. not fat or ugly, and i even have a cute girlfriend.  well i had a cute girlfriend.  i  left my bed to check my computer only to find ladeefrickingda online....i had to chat of course and when i invited her to maine my girlfriend got pissy and stormed out....so i lost my girlfriend and made ladee think i'm sketchy....low  
  At my camp, they had differing qualities of bathrooms, and believe it or not, the ones with the decomposing toilets (the specific make was Clivus Multrum, for the curious) were usually cleaner and in better shape. Makes sense though - each age group had about one bathroom, and each age group had upwards of 50 kids, so naturally the few flushing bathrooms are gonna get clogged up and manky as shit.  Except the bathroom used by the youngest age group.  There were rafters above, about eight or nine feet up, on top of the partition in the middle of the bathroom. On either side of the partition was a row of toilets. (Did I mention that the stalls had no doors, only long pieces of burlap hanging in front?)   Kids would climb up to the rafters, then drop their pants, stick their scrawny little asses over the side, and take "rafter dives" - shit in an attempt to land their crap inside the clivus.  They often missed.   Older kids (like myself) who knew about the practice were forbidden from talking about it to the little kids, for fear of inspiring them. Also the rafters were used as storage space, loaded up with tons of junk to prevent kids from being able to clamor up there.  When I was a youngster, I never did it. But to be honest, now that I'm older and mature, I really wish that I had at least given it a try.  
  For two nights in a row I have applied my makeup ever so carefully, had an outfit sitting out, just waiting to be worn.  My hair looked great.  I was ready to roll.  No one was home.  No one wanted to do anything.    Tonight I said 'Fuck it' when I got to my lipstick.  
  Does anybody reading this site work as a police officer?  I think cops would have some fuckin' good lowbrow stories. Not only stories of corruption (which on a fairly anonymous interface such as this would make good reading material), but stories about some of the scum you have to deal with (like us) day in and day out.  Fuck Jerry Springer. You folks have to have seen the lowest of the lowbrow, and I want the dirt.  
  I figured out why gay guys are so svelte: going to the gym for them is like a trip to the butcher shop, what with all of the meat on display.  I just can't help staring sometimes and wondering what they would look like erect.  Man, I wish I were gay.  They have all the luck.  
  My mom and I went to eat at a buffet once. We saw a huge bowl of cheese sauce and it looked so good we put it on our salad, chicken, everything. My mother was so hungry as soon as we sat down at the table she took a bite of her cheese covered salad. Her eyes filled with terror while she half-chewed and when I asked her what was wrong she replied "Butterscotch Pudding."  
  I actually had a roomate who thought that there were different kinds of pigs for different cuts of pork.    "C'mon lets go down to da store and gets us one of dem bacon pigs for dinner."  
  Man, I fucking hate it when I forget that the candy I'm sucking on is a jolly rancher before I bite down.  Now I can't get the shit out of my molars.  And my dentist wonders why I have so many cavities.  
  After placing my hard earned coins into the snack machine to purchase a Snickers bar, I carefully pushed open the horizontal bar and claimed my prize. I dropped the candy onto the floor when I saw a mouse escaping from the confines of the machine just as I was grabbing my candy. The horizontal bar imprisoned it and choked the life out of it. I calmly walked to the conference room where resided the operators on shift that evening. I said,  Help .  Five operators came to my rescue and seeing the trapped and dead mouse, immediately decided to capture the moment by camera. Later, a friend and operator gave me the Snickers bar and said,  I made sure the candy was OK. The package was not compromised. It should be OK to eat.  I still have problems eating a Snickers now. I try, instead, to eat a Baby Ruth.   
  Reading edibleautopsy13's Moment regarding the chick with sparkly makeup, VW bug, Korn blasting from the stereo and a Porn star sticker on the rear window I realize that edible had a DOUBLE low brow moment.  The first being The Moment itself in question, the second being Edible's thought of "you wish" to the porn star sticker...Does Edible know that Porn Star is a clothing brand?  And not wishful thinking?  I'm not sure.  But if Edible doesn't realize this, well then, double low brow to you!       
  i was washing dishes at work today, and i got to thinking that "tommy" would have been a better album if instead of being a deaf, dumb and blind boy, tommy was a gay albino dwarf...sing  "pinball wizard" with those lyrics and try not to laugh like a madman...         
  I went on a date with a guy that I had known for a week or so. He had seemed nice enough.   After a nice drive, some nice conversation, and a stroll in the park, he turns to me. Within moments, I had a big, disgusting tongue shoved down my throat.  I pushed him away and laughed hysterically for a minute. This must have been a turn on, because he tried again.   When I told him I wasn't into him, he said...  "Well I guess a blowjob is out of the question".  
  I spend more time reading lowbrow.com than I do masturbating.  What is this world coming to?  
  My friend was walking down the street when he saw a 75 year old man catch the tip of his cane in the crack of the sidewalk and fall flat on his face.  Instead of helping the man, he just laughed and kept walking.        
  In Jr. High sometimes we'd steal bottles of Robitussin and drink a bottle or more each to get a buzz. We ate the little capsule in the Vick's inhalers to get a nauseating pseudo-buzz. We smoked the crappiest shade leaves of the marijuana plant with pipes made from tinfoil and aluminum cans. Once, we stole over a hundred dollars worth of wine from various stores. This is more "impressive" when you realize it was Wild Irish Rose and MD 20/20...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting in the church pew on Sunday, watching the fit man sweat and talk about being saved and being rightous...       And realizing that my fourteen year old girlish mind is picturing him fucking me against the stand in front of everyone.  Hallelujah.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hadn't masturbated in over 5 weeks. It was driving me crazy and every day all I could think about were the low cut shirts that showed off just enough skin to keep me hard constantly. But I kept holding off despite all the temptation surrounding me. When I finally came I wanted it to be a really good one.   Then I woke up one morning and found out I had came in my sleep and missed it completely. What a mess.  
  Shortly after being laid off, I found myself awake at 5 AM; cleaning my bong, smoking the resin, and listening to Eliot Smith.   I went back to sleep around 6:30.  
  Crawling out of the wardrobe, she announces "I was trying to see what it was like to be gay.  I don't see what all the fuss is about.  Closets and such."    After having tried myself, I would have to agree with her.  
  One of my friends told me this one.   Okay, so he's about five, and they are at a pool in a hotel. He gets out of the pool and tells his mom that he needs a crap. She says, 'Hold it.'  He comes back in five minutes and says, 'Mom, I really gotta go.' She ignores him and carries on talking to whoever.  He finally says, 'Mom, it's coming out!' Being a mom, she checks his trunks, and there's the crap, sitting there.  She picks him up, and runs toward their room to clean him up. She gets him into the bathroom, and pulls off his trunks. There's no shit.  So, somewhere inside the hotel there was a lonely brown log.  They left that hotel pretty quickly.  
  I pull into my apartment complex, playing the usual overly-aggressive music.  While leaving the car, a tenant from the opposing building says I should "Turn that shit down."  I replied "Get a shower and put a shirt on, then we'll talk."  I strutted over to my apartment, having pulled off a good retort and promptly discovered that my roommate locked me out.  So I sat down and waited, for two hours.    I hate being humbled.  
  When me and my friends were younger, it seemed that whenever we had a girl come over we would show her all our porn.  man. what the hell were we thinking.  
  Dad:  Jane, can you explain to me why there is a $50 fine on your student account billed as "Roof Violation"?  Jane:  Well, Dad, I violated the roof.         
  my life seems to be a consistant string of boring days puncuated by random spasticities. (i make reference to my other chocolate milk story) here in upstate new york, we spend approximately 8 months of the year freezing our asses off. so during those precious few warm summer months, i like to take the oppurtunity to show off my summer attire of shorts, skirts and sandals.  dressed in a cute little number (tank top, capri pants and platform sandals) i went to a recently opened grocery store to fetch one thing or another. now, despite this store being new, it is not by any means well-kept. as i walked through the produce isle i noticed the sprayers come on, dampening the lettuce bits strewn about on the floor. i stopped dead in my tracks at that moment, knowing my tendancy toward clumsiness. "whoa there, you thought you were gonna get me but youre not. i am perfectly aware that the sandals im wearing have absolutely no tread on them, and were not designed in any way to provide me with traction while walking. ive fooled you, you slippery scape of greenery and collected moisture. ill watch every slow and careful step i take to ensure that i dont fall and make an ass out of myself." as i walked on in a purposeful manner, analyzing the unstable terrain beneath my feet, my head ricocheted off of a hanging metal scale. it made a noise like a gong from "Shogun". again, i paused briefly to contemplate the events of these just past moments, then moved on to the next isle without looking to see who had witnessed my grace and poise. i figured i could at the very least spare myself the embarrassment of recognizing one of them at the checkout line.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have pinpointed the moment that human civilization peaked or reached its zenith: it occured the moment he let out his last pump of semen from his 16th orgasm of the day. this man singlehandedly managed to masturbate sixteen times in one 24 hour period of our global culture's existence. its all downhill from here, folks. and we have him to thank.  
  my alarm goes off, ricky martin is playing on the radio.  i get in my car, jennifer lopez is playing on the radio.  i walk into the grocery store, and enrique iglesias is playing on the radio.  i come to my computer, and my winamp is playing gloria estefan.  i'm caught up in the latin fever.  OLE!       
  The mint chocolate chip ice cream at Baskin & Robbins seems to have gotten decidely greener over the years.  I don't remember it being that unnatural a colour when I was a kid.  
  Air Force basic training, me and several flight members were at an appointment so we missed our meal time. We broke ranks for dinner, meaning another flight was in line for dinner but we cut in. Being basic training there was tons of procedure and sirs and ma'ams that needed to be said to do so.  My flight leader in front of me talking to the other flight's leader...  "Sir, Trainee (whatever) requesting permission to break ranks for chow!"  "Excuse me, that's ma'am"  Ouch. Well she was a butch-dyke, but even I could tell. Men don't have breasts. Instructor nearby looks our way... I feel the world coming to an end as I stand there at a perfect Attention, hands at my side, eyes straight forward... what I can't see can't hurt me!  "TRAINEE! What did you say to my flight leader? Are these other trainees in your flight?"  Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Angry man in trooper hat screaming at my flight leader is a bad thing. Basic trianing sucks!  In the end it wasn't too bad. My flight leader got chewed out really bad and I was unscathed.  I remembered to say "ma'am" when I asked to break ranks.  Basic training is fun when you're not the one being yelled at!  
  schizophrenia Latin Split Mind   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         today i was sitting in a doctor's office waiting room.   i was hungry.   there was one of those women's health displays nearby with free samples.  i ate twenty three calcium chews.  i left the rappers stuffed inside a copy of vogue.   the end.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Actually taught by Young Drivers (the foremost driving school in Canada) when dealing with creatures on the road:  "If you can see over it, drive over it.  If you can see under it, drive around it."  Does that include children and midgets?  Seems kinda cold...  
  Walcott,Ia. A cold March day. She stood on the running board of my truck. Looked me square in the eyes and said. "But my husband gets to watch and join if he wants". I'll never forget that day..        
  I paid attention in health class unlike every other kid at my school.  Thanks to my hippie health teacher, I know the best positions for all sorts of sexual acts and a pretty good idea of the best drugs to mix without fatal consequences.  I m a walking database of hedonistic information.  This, of course, is cancelled out by the fact that I don t do drugs or have sex.  At least my friends find it useful.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I ate a Subway sandwich too soon before a race once, and ralphed it all up afterwards.  The black olives were still in there, not digested at all, still the exact same shape.  I don't get olives on my sandwhiches any more.  
  actual text of an email i received  Thanks for joining the DryIceOnline.com Birthday Club,   Stay cool!  Your Friends at DryIceOnline.com  birthday club?  dry ice?  stay cool? whatever.......  
  Just as I am wondering why all these cars are pulled over on the side of the interstate, my steering wheel starts pulling to the right and I hear that all-to-familiar woogedy-woogedy sound.    Some no good motherfucker spilled roofing nails on the interstate.  
  One evening after smoking some special herbs I became absolutely convinced of my ability to picture the exact facial expression of any woman while they are having sex.  It was great. I went through the weathergirl on TV, all the girls I fancied and even the girls I didn't.  Then as magically as my powers appeared, they were gone.  I can still do it, but somehow the mental imagery lacks clarity.  
  Ode to Alice   There is this really ugly girl at my school.  So ugly you can't even picture her, and when you do see her it's hard to breathe.  My friend stopped believing in god when he saw her.  Sometimes she tries to act all goth and other times she tries to be a fuckin' hippie.  She tells stories about how she dated 13 people at camp(yeah right), and she goes on about her fuckin bisexuality all the time.  So she comes up behind me today in art, in her trench coat, a belly shirt(she's fat), a mini shirt and hooker boots.  When I saw her I screamed so loud everyone in the art room turned to look at me.  I was shivering in the corner trying to sell my soul to the devil just to make her go away.    
  Sudden realization:   When guys in rock bands get really into playing the guitar during their videos, certain waist-up shots in the video make it look like they're beating off.   In a way, they are.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Seriously, people, if you post a moment, post a real email address. Hotmail and Yahoo give out free ones. Do it for the children. I've read some good ones here, and I'd've liked to tell them how good they were. But a bullshit email address is nobody's friend.  
  try this for fun!one night i caught a cockroach and dunked it in a shot of jack daniels. i pulled it out after 5 seconds and the roach was on it's back with it's legs up in the air! i thought it was dead and continued drinking 2 minutes later the roach is back on it's feet. it wasn't dead! it passed out. i put the roach in an empty fish tank. it's now my pet. it eats dog food and if it doesn't have alcohol in it's tank it gets really pissed, but otherwise it's cool. he's been alive for a year and watching him get hammered is great when you have people over.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i am so deluded.....the worse part is my family and friends support my insanity...i make movies on video and actually have real actors audition for roles...i have no libido and yet i laid a chick who looks like jennifer love hewitt...i was fired from the store i worked for for theft....i still denied that i did it even when they showed me the videotape...i am bizarro schmuck        
  I'm standing in Target looking at the video game display when I hear some giggling. I look up and notice 2 girls checking me out. They weren't exactly hot but any guy likes attention so as they approach I'm about to open my mouth to say hi when one of them blurts out "nevermind, you were cute from far away..."  30 seconds too late I mumble to myself "yeah, and you looked skinny from far away..."  
  I make a decent living. Funny thing is, I don't have a job. I sell kids beer and then tell the police they're drunk. The police give me money for the tip, then I call the police on what they did and how illegal it is, and how I videotaped the whole thing. They have no choice other than to beat the shit out of me with a club, after which I sue.  The moral of the story is that crack and vinegar don't mix.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               Wearing a long orange dress with frogs on it, birkenstocks and a cardigan I stated in a matter of fact tone "No, I'm a goth." He laughed. I was serious. I left him to his stereotypes.  
  I was in the middle of taking a hangover/protein shake/corned-beef with chopped chicken liver and onion/seafood bisque shit.  I was still crapping when my parents yelled to open the window in the bathroom, the stench was penetrating the walls or something.  An hour after I was done, the entire house stunk like something had died.  It was epic.  
  One girl I dated in high school; real shy, Nordic type (blonde, pale skin). When she blushed, it spread through her whole face and neck, bright cherry red. I was her first boyfriend, but I'd been around the block a few times before I hooked up with her, so, being a high school teenager, I proceeded to educate her quickly in the ways of my long, strong fingers. She liked it, but it embarassed her to think about it during her daily life.  One day, we were listening to the radio in some public place, and I noticed her blushing as red as I've ever seen when Third Eye Blind's "Deep Inside of You" was on.  Didn't take me long to figure that one out. Funniest fucking thing about that entire relationship.  
  You should always make friends with your local bar owners.   Last night, the bar closed at two. Then we settled in for some serious drinking action until about 7:00am. The woman who owns the bar tried to get me to piss all over her neighbor, talked me into running down the street naked around 4 in the morning, decided to fill up water guns with vodka (caution! don't shoot near your eye!) and then - the pot came out, the final few shots were taken, and off we were to breakfast.  Now I'm at work and Jesus Christ do I hurt.  
  Masturbating once in a day is fine. You don't think about it. It's not like "Y'know, I masturbated today"  Twice is alright. Nothing special.  Four times? Now you're onto something. If you you could do that every day, with someone else? You'd be, like, a machine.  Five times and you are really hotting up. You could be setting yourself some kind of record.  Six times is enough to actually tell other people about.  But three? Thats just sad.  
  When I broke up with my first wife (yes, the one named Annie, for all you constant-reload freaks), I moved in to a group house.  One night, lying in bed, feeling utterly alone in the world, I realize there is a presence on the bed.  My roommate's cat!  He knows how lonely I am! He's keeping me company!  Awwww....  Careful to not disturb him, I draw myself up to get as much contact as I can, and fall asleep feeling much less bleak.  I wake to find I've been cuddling my crash helmet.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a nasty waxy buildup in my ears a few weeks back, so bad that I was nearly deaf in my left ear. I go to the doctor and he has this little plunger looking thing...and he plunged my ear...when he was done I had the vile goop all over the side of my head....after I cleaned up I was walking out of the office through the waiting room...then some little girl says *sniff* something smells like ear wax...fucking kids.  
       A girl once went out with me because she wanted to learn more about Japanese culture.  It came as a big disappointment to her that I was born in the USA and have lived here my entire life and that the average white guy from Los Angeles knows more about Japanese culture than I do.     
  I just made a yelp noise in the middle of my campus computer lab, because I hit reload on one of limbo's posts before I was done.     >  
  quote: Beguiled by the hype on the package, i purchased condoms called "Beyond 7". When i got home my girlfriend began to laugh hysterically. "Beyond 7" refers to penis length in inches. :endquote  Chump.  
  so there i was, in a small town in northern ohio, i had recently met a beautiful girl, with whom i was madly in love with, we had just started dating, one night after work she says to me, "i cant believe i fell in love with one of you", "if my parents find out i am dead" you see i am half black and if her parents found out or figured this out i was dead, its great when you are reduced to an inanimate object of hatred, isnt?  
  I being female, took one look at the new detachable shower head I bought and thought "This could revolutionize the way I masterbate!"  
  Ok.  About ice cream:  a real name of a flavor in a store:  Chocolate Log Jam  Does this make anyone else laugh?  I laugh every time.       (ps.  butt sex!)  
  I'm driving down a neighborhood street and it's blisteringly cold outside, something in the teens, but a nice clear night nonetheless.  I start thinking about fire hydrants.  I picture a fire hydrant boyfriend and a fire hydrant dad, arguing over the boyfriend and girlfriend (also a fire hydrant)'s future.  "How exactly do you plan to support my daughter? You're going to work in the fire hydrant industry, right? Find a nice steady job?"  "Actually, sir, I'm thinking about going to art school."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So this guy at work started calling me "Electric boy" because my hair is spikey.  I started calling him "Electrolysis guy" because he's bald.  Ah, the joys of the last week of work.  
  some of these are about you        
  Although my friends disagree, I consider finding out that Microsoft Word considers "5tritillion" to be an actual word with correct spelling - is the greatest discovery in mankind's history.  
  On the back of this dollar bill, someone with a child's script wrote, in blue ball point pen, "Happy Easter Black Bastard."  I'm going to start writing jovial greetings on money now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I made him wake up so he could have sex with me before I went to work.  Is this an imposition?  Sometimes I wonder.  Sleeping in, or sex.  Which is more precious?    
  I once 'accidentally' walked into an old friend of mines dorm room while she was having sex with this guy I really didn't like.  She screamed, as did he.  He got really mad at me, this guy, and asks me what I'm doing.  "A more effective job of getting her to scream than you were, apparently."  They broke up after that.  God, I'm a prick.  
  my buddy and I were sitting in an old country buffet, he a nuclear engineer in allentown pa, me doing R&D for a pharma company in philly.  Horrified we peer around at the people gorging themselves out of their stretched pants and 15 year philadelphia eagle's sweatshirts.  he looks at me and says, "Jesus" referring to the surrounds, I tell him, "in my buddist readings, I learned it is important to remember we are not better then these people" he looks at me in disbelief, "We are uncompariable to these people" we laugh and I got up to get my fourth helping of pudding  
  some jackass used my computer and decided to improve my image quoteendquote by posting some crap here then of course the asswipe hadda admit it  after the tiger caught it thanx tgr cos it wouldnt be a good joke unless everyone knew how incredibly witty and what a fucking genius he was amazing what shite folksll pull for hubric agrandizement sorry  
  This is the longest I've gone without getting laid in 7 years. It's been 5 months. My standards are going to kill my dick if I do not lower them.  
  Spending some time with the young lady I have been seeing who seems to absolutely love going down on me.  I'm rebuilding her computer as she lies on my bed and in the most seductive voice says, "Baby, let me suck your cock."  My response.....(get ready to scream)  "Right now?"  Way too much time in front of these damned machines......  
  How about this for the difference between sexes:  When I think of white trash women, I think of that Jamie Lee Presley chick in Daisy Duke shorts and a halter, sucking a lollipop and bent ass up over a pleather recliner.  When I think of white trash men, I think of a 300lb human dung beetle in a wife beater.    
  My boyfriend took me to the most expensive restaurant in the city. The restaurant was at the top of the tallest building. We were so high up that helicopters were flying below us.  After dinner, we got into the elevator. We were making out, and I reached over and hit the emergency break.  I went down on him somewhere around the twenty-third floor.  On the way past the security desk, the guard asked us how we enjoyed the evening. I glanced over and saw row of closed circuit tvs, one which showed the elevator we had just vacated.   I guess it was just a rhetorical question.  
  Hindsight is 20/20:  I really wish I would have slept around more often when I was in high school, back when it was still legal to fuck high school chicks.  
  i collect the bottlecaps who's bottles i drink. and put them in my pocket so i can count them when i gets around to it. this morning, on top of 10-20 peices galagher special(vodka soaked watermelon) AND about 4-9 shot straight up of vodka. i had 16 bottle caps in my pocket.  i spose heartache ups your tollerance eh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Better inbred than dead"        
  I went to a strip club once.  I was on a blind date with someone I met over the internet and the club was out by the airport.  He had worked there some time before.  The drinks were watered down and expensive, but I was underage and therefore in no position to complain.  The girls looked so bored, so uncomfortable, so painfully dulled by the predictable drudgery of their not-very-lucrative gyrations...  I stared for about five minutes.  Once the train-wreck fascination wore off, I was simply embarrassed to be there, doing nothing, passively watching and trying to find the place in myself where I understood how this could possibly be a turn-on.  Oh, and I never went out with that guy again.       
  To the guy who was all proud of the fact that he ass-fucked his wife in the jacuzzi with the jets on and figured they couldn't be cleaned:  a) They can run enough chlorine through those things to reduce your seed to its component atoms.  b) What the fuck do you you think the dude who had the room before you did in there?  You shouldn't be warning us, you should be warning yourself from the week before.  
  My dorm is the christian dorm on campus.  (by no fault of my own, I was placed here)  Our RA told us that we need to organize good community events for our dorm, so we can all get together.  He is training to become a priest.  We bought a DVD player.  We now have movie nights.  Interactive porn movie nights.  
  * Mother Nature is cruel.  Before my period I am miserable.  I'm depressed, in pain, bloated and more.  But when my period finally arrives I am horny as hell.  Damn it!  * Even though I specifcally stated "no men, no couples" in my wfw personal ad.  They still responded!  Can't you people read!?  * You over-opinionated types.  I believe it's nice that you say you feel, and have a strong opinion.  But please, there is a difference between expressing your opinion and being an asshole.  You treat people badly, but get all fussy when somebody does the same to you.  So there.  * Just because I might be sexually attracted to another female does not mean I cannot find a real man who can satisfy me.    * Okay men.  Let me help you out.  When you're horny, and you're girlfriend isn't interested, don't pester her!  Complaining about your blue balls isn't going to get her hot.  Why not try seducing her?  Make her feel beautiful and loved.  Maybe "do" things for her?  This will be much more successful than begging for sex.   * Smoking pot does not make you more creative.  This is a matter of conditioning.  Say you write everyday at 3pm.  Your mind will eventually prepare it's creative self at 3pm.  Go ahead and toke up if you wish, but it's not going make you anymore creative than you already are.  * Public School.  Don't bother.  Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for.    * Stupid people and teenagers shouldn't have children.    * My fellow employees shouldn't have children.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The 'Brow  Really  Leaks Back Into My Life (and scares the crap out of me)  BrewPub (of course). Chatting and flirting with a very interesting woman. She says she's in from Cleveland, for a conference for a few days. Yum. I tell her that I visit Cleveland regularly. She suddenly gets a strange, thoughtful look in her eyes, glances around, leans back, looks outside, spots my minivan parked out front. She: " You're Limbo! " I stare at her blankly: "Come again?" She: "You're Limbo! From LowBrow!" Really neat lady. I was really starting to feel hopeful. Me: "I'm sorry. What do you mean?" She: "This is a BrewPub, you're Scottish, you're flirting like crazy with me, and you drive a white minivan! You're Limbo!" I look completely blank and confused. Damn - I was really starting to like her, but what if she's some kind of wierdo, only here to track me down? Me (shakily): "I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about." She: "Eh, oh, I'm sorry. Incredible coincidence, though!" Me: I still don't know what you're talking about, but could we talk about something else?"  
  one day he just left and he never came back.  i couldn't forgive him for a long time... i missed him sitting quietly at the foot of my unmade bed, rubbing against my feet.  but it's hard to stay mad at a cat.  
  No hall sports in the dorm. Yeah right. Less than an hour after the RA leaves for the weekend, it's time for a rousing game of Hall Bowling with empty soda cans and someone's borrowed soccer ball. About 20 minutes into the game and several very loud collisions with the door behind the rows of dented soda cans we have lined up, the thought finally occurs to us that someone might live in that room. No one comes out though, so we continue playing.  Later in the quarter...  This 6 foot something, 300 pound football player moves into that very room. He gets pissed when a plastic BB accidentally bounces off his door. I'm really glad he didn't move in the beginning of the year like the rest of us.  
  I had a coworker who was the most passive geek in the world, and over two months time I turned him into Psycho Stalker Guy. I just kept telling him the girl at the deli downstairs really really had the hots for him but was too shy to make a move or acknowledge her feelings. Emboldened by false knowledge, he went there three, four times a day to talk to her. She eventually got a restraining order against him after he followed her car to her apartment and demanded a kiss, for her own self-denying good. I felt like a god.  
  I've become addicted to honey-glazed popcorn chicken from the deli at the Wal-Mart Superstore.  
  one time my sister had a friend over, and we all proceeded to drink heavily.  turned out her friend had multiple personality disorder and once we were all properly wasted, she claimed she was a little boy.  freaked us all out.     the next morning, she wasn't back to normal.  we dropped her off at her parents house with apologies.  i guess she wasn't supposed to be drinking in the first place.  the friends you meet in a mental institution never fail to surprise  
  drunk: yes  stoned: yes  still living in my parents house: ...  yes.  fuck.  
  Messing with other drivers' minds #17:  When some car flashes it's lights so you'll get out of the fast lane and out of their way.  Put your turn signal on to show you're planning to switch lanes.  Slow down.  Keep your turn signal on. Do not switch lanes.  Keep slowing down.  I find I can usually get down to about 40mph before they realize they've been had :-)  When they finally undertake you, keep your face straight, and your eyes straight ahead, until they've passed (just in case they have one of those "Honk if you've never seen an Uzi" bumper stickers)  
  A common enough phrase read on this site:  "Hey! Don't drink that beer! It's actually urine!"  Translated with Altavista Translator:  from English to Korean, from Korean to English, back to Korean from English, then back to English from Korean again,  gives us this wonderful string of gibberish:  "E! It in order to stop that pulse week,! It is actual it, smallness pyen it does not drink,!"  That's it verbatim. Think about that next time you laugh at horrible kung-fu movie overdubs.   Keep clicking for more nutzoid translations.     
  Sitting here, reading compulsively, I have a revelation:  There are other people out there, just like me.  Probably more than the freaks who post here.  If such a high percentage of the populace likes to drink until they vomit, have meaningless sex with strangers, and ingest psychotropic drugs, why are they considered "outside the norm"?  Then I think: The slackers and freaks of the world should rise up and take over...working should be considered a waste of time...true success would be measured in length of keg stands...  Then I realize how much work it would be to organize that kind of revolution, and most of us would be too stoned to show up.    We can't even get pot legalized, we sure as hell aren't going to be able to change the world.    
  poor screetch is still stuck in the new saved by the bell episodes ... no character growth, same clothing fashion... get a new job man..   
  Nothing more rewarding than finishing a biology exam quicker than the dumbass frat boy next to me, then coming back to my dorm cell & listening to Tenacious D's "Sex Surpreme."  
  I was driving down the road he other day and this really stupid woman cuts in front of me. I start screaming and cussing at this bitch calling her all kinds of foul names, then I see that she is watching me in her rearview mirror.  I think for a moment and begin to wonder "if she can read lips and she is looking in ther mirror, does everything I say come out backwards to her?"  Put this in the file, odd things I think about to keep me from Road Rage.  
  once a young drunk kid started leaning on me as a way to hit on me. it started off as drunken leaning, in the guise of being purely for support, then his hand crept slowly to encircle my waist. i picked his hand off of my body, and told him in front of all his friends that if he tried to touch me again, id punch him out. after being so brutal i felt bad (him being so young and so drunk, and humiliated in front of all his friends). then he had to go and try that shit again.  
  I asked mommy why my eyes are brown. Mommy says it's because an angel pooped in my eyes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Frat party, five years ago, the room was bustin.  I had to talk her into having sex with me.  What finally worked was saying, "Come on, every guy in this room has had a blow job from you but me."  It was like logic she couldn't refute.    She sighed and said, "Yeah, okay."  
  so the plan is this when i hit the lottery im gonna email all every last one of the browers and the ones who had the balls enough to list an actual address will be invited to the biggest shindig this side of the guiness book o records tygr will be the mcee and everyone  who wants to  will get a tailored zoot suit whadyathink         
  i need to find out where all the hot, black-haired emo girls hang out on friday night.  
  Have you ever seen those shirts that the Hot Topic kids wear that say things like "Popularity is a social disease" and "Conformity is a social disease" yea so why are you all wearing the same black goddamn shirts all the time? Try something new for example:  "Buying into the image of a mildly discontented, pseudo-gothic popular pariah is a social disease that I wish I had because mental illnesses are hip nowadays."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have the most boring job, so during office hours, I'm here on the brow most of the time.  Today a collegue walks by and asks: "And, is it all true what they say on the internet?" (trying to be funny)  I replied, true to the spirit of this fine conglommerate of well-mannered people:  "If you question the brow, I'm gonna have to kick your ass"  
  The in-laws stopped over for a visit. After a while, the mother-in-law excuses herself to use the bathroom. Just as she's closing the door to the bathroom, I remembered that I had left a porno picture taped to the shower wall. Oh shit.  You would have to be blind not to see it.  I sweat it out waiting for her to return to the living room.  When she does return, the first thing she says is "Come on Bill, it's time we went home."  I know she saw it but I'm glad she's leaving.  
  My gf and I had an understanding. I would take her to see any chick flick she wanted to see, and during the particularly boring scenes, she would go down on me.  This explains why "You've Got Mail" is my absolute favorite movie, and why I can't even look at a picture of Meg Ryan without getting hard.  
  I found a wrench to open fire hydrants.  So of course on halloween that's what we were doing.  Some lady walks by "That's so stupid." she says.  My friend yells out "NO! It's RETARDED!".  He was right.  But it was still fun!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was my brother weeding. I met this wonderful girl. We spend all day chating and we started to notice that we were ment for each other. On the way back (4 hours) she wanted to be in the same car as me. Then she said she was very cold and wrapped herself around me. She puts her head close to my chest and I kiss her........then I farted all the way.....In the end I said to her: "Call me!"...got no response to this day.  Never gonna eat more beans to the rest of my life.  
  Joe pissed himself for $15  Then, later, he did it again for free.  
  I keep a dictionary in the bathroom, for something to do while I poo.  I got to the "G"s and find that there's no "GE-GO".  My roommate had been using the pages, when the toilet paper was out.  His Excuse:  "I thought that's what it was there for, why else would you put it there?"  the end  
  People always ask me what the happiest moment of my life is.  Without delay, I tell them that it was definitely the time I was playing the bongos while stoned out of my gourds in Central Park of New York City with four of my closest Rastafarian friends.  Sort of.  Just replace my four Rastafarian friends with one smelly old pervert.  While your at it, replace the setting of Central Park with a stall located in a McDonald's restroom somewhere in Wyoming.  And get rid of that whole being stoned and playing the bongos story with sitting on the toilet in the stall while the old man gives me head.  
  My friend and I went to a bluegrass festival.  Now, I like bluegrass music, somewhat, but this was a creepy experience.  We were walking around the perimeters of the small festval grounds and in one field, two little girls ran up to us to ask about my green hair and whatnot and talk about whatever the fuck else little creepy girls talk about.  One looked kind of like the bitchy redhead in Lilo and Stitch and had chocolate pudding smeared on her face.  The other looked like a 6 year old hooker.  We were stoned.  Those kids scared the shit out of us.  We thought they were going to eat our souls.  
  A friend and I went to a college orientation one time.  Over there, we had to go to the restroom.  Coincidentally, we both were taking a shit and at the same time.  Some stranger walks into the restroom and looks in the stalls seeing that some are filled.  Shitting were the only noises.  The stranger goes to an empty stall, and my friend cackles "Nothing like a George Mason shit party."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Me: "Bacon?  I don't get it.  Why is bacon a good thing at a strip club?" Murph: "Come on.  A strip joint that sells fresh bacon is like a dream come true.  I mean come on, it's naked women and meat." Lucas: "And they sell beer at strip clubs too." Murph: "Right.  Meat, women, and beer equals perfection." Me: "So you're telling me that if I ever showed up on a guy's doorstep with some steaks, a six-pack, and said that I'd let him do anal with me, he'd be in heaven." (Insert screams of joy and laughter here.) Murph: "I think he'd have a heart attack he'd be so happy." Little do they know, I would be more than happy to do that.  Watch out, Jason, one of these nights...  
  An acquaintance of mine returned to his dorm one evening only to find his best friend Kevin standing in the quad, drunk, burning his sheets. He asked his friend what was up - Kevin responded, "Somebody fucked in my bed." He indicated several used condoms lying on the ground as proof.  Then Kevin's roomate rushed up, cursing up a storm. Turns out that he'd gotten a bunch of condoms, filled them with liquid hand soap, and strewn them around in Kevin's bed as a prank. He never expected Kev to come back shitfaced, much less decide to burn the bedclothes. Roommate relations were strained, to say the least.  
  So, this is what life is like for me at 24?  Getting drunk by myself infront of the computer and searching desperately for some half decent chat online?  Fold while yer ahead, boy.  Go to bed.          
  My bedroom has a door that opens into the communal bathroom in my apartment.  My roommates often think that 2 a.m. is a great time to start inviting people over, and they always drink gallons of beer.  I'm usually in bed.  I can now recognize all 3 of my roommates, their girlfriends, and various stoner buddies by the sounds of their individual pee.    
  My friend walked up the stairs from the bathroom. We passed the drummer for the band we had just finished seeing, and she said, "The last time I saw you guys you spit on me." When he went through the motions of drummer mumble for some kind of apology, the wide gap from missing front teeth was made obvious. "No," she said. "That was the moment I fell in love with you."   Five minutes later she was borrowing my last five dollars to go on the road with him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Creation is the ultimate ideal.   Destruction is the ultimate sin.  So what's the creation of a wrecking-ball?  
  Grandmothers here in the UK, as i'm sure they do in the US, usually fuss over you. You know, worry you aren't eating enough, wrapping up warm in the cold weather, etc. I say usually. I was 14, my Grandmother is outside the door of the toilet. "Paul, are you wanking (our American friends can substitute "jerking" right there) off in there ?" "No !" was my indignant reply. I was actually tugging away like a monkey on crack but i wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. I was 18, my Grandmother says to a girlfriend of mine "DO you have any trouble with his dick when you are shagging ? Only he has the longest foreskin i have ever seen but his Grandfather wouldn't hear of him being circumcised" My wedding night, my beautiful bride & I are about to leave the reception & Gran grabs me for a hug & rather to loudly whispers in my ear "If her cunt is a bit dry, remember to give it a lick" I think about about 20 people were close enough to share that one with us, including my new in-laws. My sister is worried that Gran might be going senile. I'm worried that she might out-live us all.  
  We were sitting on my couch watching a movie and I was jerking him off under a blanket.  When he came, the only available cum receptacle was his pair of boxers, so he pulled them up and came in his pants.  I turned to him and looked him square in the eye.  "Now you'll know what it feels like to go home with dripping wet underwear."  
  My hair stinks. I can feel it brush across my  face - soft, and bright - I love the copper red. But it sure does stink.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  My current sensual massage therapist appologized to me during my latest session. She said she could not do more for me since she was in a monogamous relationship.   She made up for it by telling me about a web site where retired prostitutes post personal ads. She told me to just tell the truth and I would be quite popular there.  
  A guy I dated told me in college he'd had a nervous breakdown and locked himself in his room for three months, eating nothing but peanut butter.   Later I discovered he liked to stay over at my house when I went to work so he could use my computer to look for his ex-girlfriend and call around in search of her on my long distance. When we broke up, he told me he was feeling really delicate and this would probably push him over the edge. I left one of those giant ecomony size jars of peanut butter on his doorstep, and a package of razor blades.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when  I was younger and first learned about the earth spinning and all that jazz I tried to jump up and let the gourn pass under my feet at recess but I was standing underthe monkey bars hit my head and landed on my ass. thats what I get for learning I supose.  
  Ladies, it's when we leave the seat up that we're being the most thoughtful.  The piss never drains off when it's down.   
  After a night of drinking very heavily, my stepbrothers decided I wasn't feminine enough. So, they dressed me up in some of my step moms clothes, and and old wig from a few Halloweens ago. They applied make-up to my face, and made me stand at the streetlight across the street from our house. I stood there for an hour, and three males around the age of forty, all asked me how much, for a ngiht of my services. Amazing how disturbing the suburbs can be.   
  I'd love to go on one of those reality shows someday, like Survivor or Big Brother, just to see how much I could fuck with the other contestants. But there's probably too much nasty shit in my background just waiting to come out, and it's never a good thing to see "Reality contestant once shat herself while laughing at kitten porn" in a headline.  
  If whaking off in the bushes behind a neighbors house while looking at porn is wrong...  ... what?  
  I swear I am not making this up. I was visiting Oberlin College (in Oberlin, Ohio, a one-half-horse town) coincidentally on the eve of their annual "safer sex night." This is a dance intended to promote safe sex - the dress code is "naked-ish" and they show pornography on multiple TVs around the room. Predictably, it always draws big crowds.  Hey, I'm here to "experience" the college, right? So I go to the dance with the student I'll be rooming with overnight, and one other prospective, with whom I will also be rooming. We'll essentially be temporary roommates. At the dance, he asks me if I want to hook up. He says he's gay. I'm cool with that; I just make it clear to him that I'm straight. He looks at me quizzically.  "Really? Are you sure?"     Well. That was uncomfortable.  
  So, one of my old girlfriends was the manager of her apartment building. She's a tough cookie, turns dirty quick in a fight. Her apartment is at the back of the building, 3rd floor, the top floor. Her bedroom window overlooks the parking lot of a classically lowbrow bar, the Marathon Taverna if anyone is interested. One Saturday night a couple of drunk yayhoos come out and get into some glass-pack equipped muscle car and gun it. For quite a while. Then he stops only to start up again. The sound is echoing crazily between the two buildings, it sounds like fucking choppers are coming in for a landing. She's going nuts, completely pissed off and fuming. She goes to the fridge and gets two eggs. Handing me one, she says "get em." I'm not much for accuracy when it comes to throwing shit, and quite frankly I was a bit scared to miss in front of her when she was on a roll. Not having a choice I open the bedroom window, which actually hinges at the bottom and opens in and down from the middle, if you know what I mean. It was fucked up, anyway, and I had to kind of twist my arm to get it out and could only manage a flip of my wrist. The car was a long way down and at least 20 feet away. This whole time, the guy is racing that goddamn engine and she is telling me to  "get him! get that fucker!" He backs out of the parking spot and starts to pull out of the lot. I check the range and let fly, as much as I can.   I hit him directly in the center of his reat window. Perfect. Her eyes light up. He gets out and is yelling and screaming, man is he pissed! A few minutes later the phone rings, the manager of the bar calling to complain, she doesn't answer, we're doubled over laughing, hiding below the windows.  Great sex that night. Mmm Hmm.  
  My second visit to Ithaca is for the wedding of a co-worker. GREAT wedding, at some weird off-brand denomination church. The preacher looks like Abraham Lincoln, but knows how to have fun. He asks us to bless the newly-married couple. People shyly murmur. He: "Timeout! Can we try that one again, with enthusiasm?" The reception band is the local group Desperado, just wonderful. At the break, the shy bass player approaches and asks if the Jewish woman I'm with is my girlfriend or something. I say: "Something." (She was my wife) He: "Could you tell her that I think she's just gorgeous?" Me: "Tell her yourself -- she's right over there." He blushes furiously, but eventually sidles up to her. Good, gives me some breathing space to flirt with their gorgeous Jewish lead singer... Fast forward five years, to the Rongovian Embassy in Trumansburg. The Desperados are whipping the crowd into a sweaty dancing lather, and the floor is bouncing up and down. I approach the lead singer, who has become a good friend in the meantime, and ask for my favourite song: "It Ain't The Meat, It's The Motion." They do a wonderful version of it, with the girl coyly singing: "It ain't the meat," and the three guys behind her grinding their hips and yelling: "It's the motion!" A solid crowd-pleaser, as you can imagine. The dance floor always goes wild when they do it. She: "We'd love to, but my boyfriend forbids it. He says it's demeaning to women." Fucking PC Ithaca...  
  I suck a good dick, you all should know.  Of course, I didn't get this good by practicing on bananas.  I've sucked off mother fuckers from here to detroit, a sixty-five mile radius.  There is no shame in my game.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Growing up in a small redneck town my parents put me in some shithole elementry school surrounded by one big ass ranch with horses and cows and everything that came with a redneck school. Well, One day way back in that horrid place, me and a few of my friends were playing soccer and coulden't help noticing two cows being bred right there, well one of my friends being younger was confused and told us they were killing each other. Me being new to the area, pondered a bit and said: They're fucking. (silence and staring followed) the younger one that mistaked them for killing each other, stared and replied: wow.  10 years later, He's now a Beastialist.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I one  wacking it one day, in my bathroom and my mom walked in and caught me, she said what are you doing then asked if she could help!      
  He waved his long, skinny arms in a sweeping gesture.  "I'm the only one in this band with any fashion sense!" he said loudly.  I looked down at his metallic forest green vinyl shoes, and agreed.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I'd been at a party and had had a few drinks and it was pretty late at night so I was tired too.  Then someone has the bright idea to go to Wafflehouse.  I love Wafflehouse late at night so I'm all for going.  The problem is they don't know where it is.  So we're driving around and decide to ask for directions at Wal-Mart and take a potty break since a few of us have to pee due to alcohol consumption.  Anyway, we get to the Wal-Mart and the doors don't open.  We can see people shopping around though and are very confused.  So we decide to just duck through the cart entrance out front which clearly has labeled above it, NOT AN ENTRANCE.  So I turn to my friend to say something about that as I'm ducking  down to get through and low and behold I don't duck low enough.  I feel my head smack into metal and I'm thinking ow, that didn't feel good.  I put my hand to my face and when I pull it away it's covered in blood.  Turns out I had turned back toward to entrance at exactly the right time so that the metal caught me right between the eyes above the nose and ripped the skin to the bone.  The Wal-Mart people and my friends start freaking out because I'm bleeding all over hell and they call me an ambulance.  I'm completely unconcerned in my tired/inebriated state and I told them I still needed to pee and proceded to go the bathroom with blood pouring all over my face.  I ended up getting eleven stitches and it turns out that the other set of doors were open the whole time.  My friends came up with this joke to commemorate the evening.   Q: "What did she say when she walked into Wal-Mart?" A: "Ow!  That fucking hurt!"  
  I just bought a 92 dodge spirit with the front end bashed in for $800.  Other than the body damage the thing runs beatifully and only has 72K miles on it.   Pull right up to the Liquor Barn and buy a bottle of wine. The AA meeting next door (!) is on break and the grizzled ole drunks are standing around smoking as I get into the car.  Some "Recovering" Drunk: Hey guy...ya oughta wear yer glasses next time yer out drivin' haw haw haw....  Me: and *You* outha stop giving unsolicited advice to total strangers ya fuckin' drunk.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was little, my mom and I "pet-sat" for her best friend, and their children. During their vacation, they called my mom to tell us that their van had been broken into. I couldn't understand the concept of being broken into. So I kept questioning how someone could break a van...in two. I pictured their van being cut inhalf.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         MORE TALES FROM THE SOCCER TEAM:  Tom's a legend.  He spit in a kid's face, before that baseball player did it.  Right in the eye.  YELLOW CARD.  Ah, he got to go in again after a minute.  And he got a red card for giving the same kid an elbow in the head.  Billy.  "GOOD JOB, TOM! GREAT JOB!"  We're a tight knit unit, us.  
  I was at a party with some friends of mine and everyone had to take their shoes off at the door of the house.  They ran out of beer but my friend found some red whine in the fridge... thing is most people dont keep red whine in the fridge.. fuck it, we drank it.. it tasted weird.  soon after we finished we left to another party in search of more beer, being the drunk bastard i was i took someones shoes and threw them in the bushesm i bet they never found them.  Then on the way to the party my friend had to get out to piss and lossed his shoes, guess karma struck the wrong person.  Oh and later i figured out that red whine was actually cooking whine.. oops  
  The man with the beard, sitting alone at the table, tapped his fingers,hunched like a drummer.  At the climax of the song, he wave his handswildly, signifying the triumph of the ending of the song.  He picked up hisdrink, tilting is head back, finished it in a long swallow, stood and puton his coat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  My friend talked me into ghostwriting a love letter for him to give to his lover. I had no idea what a pair of gay guys would say, and my friend was no help, so this was really a stretch! It made me nervous, but I used my twisted imagination and tried my best. Turned out his boyfriend *LOVED* it, especially the part that went "I want it *smooth* and I want it *tight*." (Egad!)          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there are reasons why i checked myself into rehab.    i went out drinking with a girlfriend of mine and got totally tanked (as usual).  she lets me sleep naked in her bed.    i wake up at some point, rub my eyes and wonder where the hell i am, just as a local bartender and her boyfriend wake up on either side of me and she screams "I told you to lock the door!" at him.   She hands me a nightgown and apologises which means "get your naked ass out of my bed".  Lowbrow moment indeed.    
  I know this girl Rachel. Well, No. I don't know her. I've talked to her for about two weeks maximum. But, I digress (Already!) She flirted with me insanely and I was digging it until one of her friends said, "Pay no mind to her, she's just the biggest flirt." Needless to say I just ignored her and all her passes. Well, One day I couldn't just refuse her; she was after all sucking my finger. Without going into too much detail, I have a hickie on my neck that looks like Nebraska.  Moral - If you ignore them, they will come.  -Matt  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Apple beer is a local drink, non alcoholic, basically carbonated apple juice. It's ok, but nothing special. I cannot drink this because of an incident where my then gf looked at me with lusty eyes and requested that I fuck her with the bottle. Well, I do so, she's enjoying herself, moaning, groaning, and generally getting off on it and she motions for me to rub her asshole. Again, I do. She looks at me, moaning, and says "More in the ass." I will never hear that phrase spoken aloud again, but that's what I hear everytime I see an apple beer bottle.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Another Government Ad Campaign That Doesn't Work  Britain seems to have a big underage drinking problem, even though the legal age is 18. Tabloids are full of stories about 12 year-olds collapsing in school and so on. One imaginative ad on the side of a bus: Cartoon of a young kid with bubbles coming out of his ears. Caption: "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR!" Just like any Government ad campaign, I 'spect it misfires and just tells kids how many tequilas they need to reach the desired state...  
  I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday. They look good, but they're a bit too tight from the waist to the crotch. What this means: sometimes when I stand up or sit down just the right way, my jeans rub against my cock and I get a hardon.  And since they're tight, everyone  knows  I've got a hardon.  
  while discussing a funeral I attended for the father of a friend, someone asked, "was it a wake?"  "no, he was dead" i replied.       
  I take piano lessons. I have to learn classical piano as an elective to my music program.  I finish up a lesson and I'm chating with my teacher. She's a teacher in her late fifties, and we're talking about her kids.  "It's so weird," She says. "All of my kids are brunettes, except for one, she's a blond!"  I blurt out, "Wow! And she looks just like the mail man!"  She gives a nervous laugh. I look at the floor and make a hasty exit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            At 15-16, I took a shit on a couch in the Alumni Hall portion of the dorm I was in. I got kicked-out.     
  I had come back to bed to discover that he had stolen my pillow to snuggle with.  He asked if I wanted my pillow back and I said yes.  In return, I said "I'll let you have my stuffed rabbit if you want".  He said that sounded like a bad pick up line.  
  I was hanging out with my sisters, getting drunk. Went home from the night with a 20 oz coke bottle containing Bacardi and Coke. Drank about half of it then put it on my bedside table.  When I woke up the next morning, hungover and dehydrated, I grabbed the first drink I saw. Took a big gulp and then my brain registered the taste.  Talk about hair of the dog. I think I fell out of bed.   
    I was at a bar with my friend Jon, and we were both pretty tanked.  This particular bar has the womens' bathroom positioned at the end of a very, very thin hallway.  The door to the mens' room is off of the left of this same hallway.   So anyway, I'm on my way to the restroom and these three hot chicks are coming down the hall from the ladies room smoking cigarettes.  Right when they get next to the mens' room, Jon comes out, flinging the heavy door in his wake.  The door hits the first girl full-on in the face, knocking her cigarette and purse to the floor in a plume of smoke and sparks.    Jon, being the Don Juan of drunkenness, turns and walks away as if nothing happened.  So I grab him and yell at him, "Say you're sorry, Asshole!"  Jon turns to the ladies and manages a weak apology.  The one he hit with the door, who has now regained her composure, looks at him and says in a flirtatious tone, "It's gonna take more than that for you to make it up to me!"  Jon turned, walked to the bar, and ordered himself another beer.   To this day he still doesn't remember it, and I won't let him forget it.     I don't know if he'll ever forgive himself for turning down a sure thing.  If you are that girl, you owe me one for waiting until the next day to tell him about it.  He probably would have fallen asleep, puked, or pissed himself anyway.  
  Still being young, I have a great idea that will still work.   If I ever really fall in love, and I get my heart broken, I will simply kill the person.  Sure, I probably go to prison, but it makes a great story; and you get decisive closure.    So, be warned: BE NICE.        
  So an old friend called and told me that he got married.  "Real fucking funny, so what is really going on in your life"  "Dick, I am serious.  I married the girl I used to date in highschool"  "Ah, well that should make it easy to guess...which of the 30 - 40 "experiments" is it"  "It's (real name excluded)"  "....."  "You there?"  "Yeah..."  "Okay, so what do you have to say?"  "Congradulations, I guess.."  Long conversation from that point..  The MEETING:  I know that the only one of my friends that thought sex was a game that you played, and won if you came first, and the more people you did this with you could score more points, was married...I had to meet the woman.  They came to my house, and, GOD dammit, I knew from the second that I saw her that I wanted to make her mine....  We talked more than my friend and I did.  Later she slipped me her number at work, I called her...We met that night, and fucked in their bed.  I love my friend, BUT I FUCKING LOVE his wife.  
  I used to be in the Air Force.  I fucked up.  I decided that I didn't want to work for "The Man", that I was "My Own Person".   God help me, i was so stupid.  Why couldn't i just straighten up and do what i was supposed to?  I miss feeling like i did something worthwhile.  I miss feeling like i belonged to something that still had honor.  Now i belong to creditors and a smothering girlfreind.  Gary, you stupid fuck.        
  I'm at a wedding in LA in August.  It's fucking hot enough to melt the plastic shit holding up the multiple layered wedding cake.   Later, at the reception, I'm doing my duty as a groomsman and trying to guzzle as much as the free booze as possible.  As the evening wore on and the bridesmaids' alcohol intake went through the roof, I couldn't ever hold on to one of my drinks.  They worked in tag-team, you see ....  One would ask me to dance, and being the nice guy (read:  single) that I am, I would oblige.  Once I was on the dance floor, the tag would happen and the other bridesmaid would drink my glass of booze.  The bartender started giving me strange looks when I came up to the bar for my 20th time.  As far as he knows, I had over 20 glasses of champaigne and I was still sober enough to drive home.  God damn bridesmaids  
  So I am kinda bummed, standing there with my grandparents as they buy two plots for themselves at a cemetery. After walking out to where these plots were my grandmother gets a frown on her face, turns to my grandfather and says "Well, it sure is close to the highway. It is also VERY noisy here."  Then I darn near doubled over as my grandfather turned to her and said, "Do you reckon it's gonna bother us?"  
  finally, a girlfriend who is not threatened by the recreational use of porn, either in conjunction with our sex or as a jumpstart to my personal self-as-adventure rides.  only thing, all my porn is old and shitty. bad 80s porn (within which Ron Jeremy and his usual cronies are inevitably the stars), a smattering of "newer" porn (e.g., Goo-Goo Dolls--when they started playing off the names of "legit" titles) and some "classic" porn (e.g., Debbie Does Dallas).  i explain to my gf that "new" porn has both women AND men with great bodies (though they are admittedly fake, but no matter). no moles, no massive clumps of unsightly overgrowth. i tell her that we need "good," "new" porn. i tell her often.  now, the only way i have ever acquired porn is through trade with friends, or the outright theft of it from a friend's living room stash. i just cannot (despite living in ny my whole life) walk into a porn store, and purchase a porno from a leering middle-eastern storekeeper. just can't do it.   but i, nay, WE need "new" porn.  so, said amazing girlfriend takes it into her head to solve the problem.  comes over one night all shiny:   "I did it. I bought us 2 'new' porno movies."  excited, i give her a kiss and open the bag, looking for my new DVDates. in the bag is a double-cassette set of:  'The Diamond Collection'--Classic scenes from the BEST movies of the 70s and 80s.     turns out, she was so creeped out in the store she just grabbed the first box she could find, threw it on the counter, paid and ran out--all without looking at the box or at anyone in the store.  still, i watch them all the time.   any new porn is "new" porn, when it comes down to it.   
  My Grandfather is deaf in one ear and wears a hearing aide in the other one.  One day when i was 6 and my older cousin Heath was around 15 told me to go into my grandfathers room and start moving my mouth like i was talking but not really talk, until i heard a high piched buzzing noise and then start screaming as loud as i could. I learned two things that day: One, hearing aides make high piched noises when you turn them up all the way. Two, my grandfather could probably catcha and rope a calf without a horse at age 76, which made me an easy target.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember sleeping over at my friend's house on some occasions. On these many occasions, in the middle of the night, I hear the alarm clock go off. I hear a tune of Bach's 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring' as the alarm sound, which was weird. Weirder thing was the fact that no one, I mean no one ever bothered for hours to turn that damn thing off.  It was somewhere in the house just playing that damned annoying, haunting tune in the middle of the night. I thought it would just stop or I would just sleep through it. I thought it was infernal.  
  Girls and ladies:  When you invite any male co-workers to your home on purely non-romantic social occasions.  You should, of course, hide the contents of your panty drawer, but, much more important, you should ALWAYS hide your laundry hamper.  Or not, as you prefer...  
   We lay there, in the dark. Hot, sweaty. Sex with her was good, and often. And this time was no different.   "I think we should start seeing other people" she said to me, my cum still on her breath. "But I still want to be your friend."  Damn. I knew I should have poked her in the ass this time.        
  makermark unpaid solicitation number fourteenthousandtwohundredtwentyseven walking into a pub good tunes nice looking women of a dangerous ratio no dickheads of note barstool open and tender waiting to serve whatll be says he scanning the shelves no makers nothing exclaim i and continue to search what the fuck  am i possessed or what hell i d sit in a shooting gallery full of zombie rednecks who are having a feces flinging contest so long as i could get a makers on the rocks  
  Ever taken a shit so big you had to wipe your balls?  I swear I saw God smiling down on me that day.  
  I applied for this job as a waitress.  I knew it was a bad thing when they asked me if I had any experience and when I said no they said that it was cool because they were really interested in the whole person and went on to talk about how the servers are empowered to make their own decisions.  I mean honestly, what kind of judgement calls come up when you bring people food for a living?        
  So my mom & dad came down the day I moved & decided to help me unpack. Well, mom did anyways. All dad did was sit on the couch & bitch about how I didn t have cable. Anyways, I had packed my 2 underwear, bra & pj s drawers into one suitcase (I have a lot, ok?!). Along with these unmentionables, I also packed my 3 personal pleasure devices. (One is about 5 inches long, blue see-through, nicknamed  The Smurf Penis . 1 is about 8 inches long & comes in a Life Savers wrapper. The 3rd is commonly known as either  The Egg  or  The Silver Bullet. Although, mine has a few upgrades. Aren t you glad you continued to read?) Anyways. These 3 things were packed at the bottom of the  unmentionables  suitcase. So, my mom & I start unpacking all my bedroom stuff, and keep in mind, it has been like 3 days since I packed everything up, so I m not really remembering what is where. She starts unzipping the  unmentionables  suitcase and asks  So, are these clean or dirty?  And I reply (not really looking at what she s unpacking),  Clean.  So she starts getting out bundles of clothes and I finally look over and start screaming (in horror),  Dirty! Dirty! Those are dirty!  and I slam the suitcase shut. My mom looks at me and goes,  Uhhh. Okay.  And moves on to something else.  And then 2 weeks later, I find a half used box of condoms in her night stand. UGH  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ran a 10k today. wore a pad. pads hold in heat really well. hot crotch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            So I ended up in the shower with my friend Will.It was strictly to get clean after swimming, and we were in bathing suits. As I was washing my hair, I felt a hard blast of warm water from the side on my leg. He started laughing like a maniac, and told me he pissed on me.    Of course, I had to get back at him, so I pissed on his feet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This is my mum's moment really, I was just lucky enough to have been there... My mom is a pretty straight laced gal, so what happened next was not only low but totally out of left field.  she had come home from a friends Christmas party around 9pm and she was completely drunk... the first time in 23 years that I had ever witnessed... she was all laughing and stumbling her way up the stairs and into the bathroom.  about 5 seconds later I hear a thud, a big thud and a roar of laughter, so being concerned for her well being my sister and I checked in on her.... we have a pretty small bathroom and she had hit her head on the wall trying to sit on the toilet fallen over and proceeded to piss her self... she didn't remember a second of it in the morning. ahh ma, I didn't think you had it in ya   
  3 a.m.- we had eaten a large cheese pizza and drank way too much kamchatka vodka (on the bottom shelf at every supermarket)...  "you know what sounds good?" my roommate asked "don't say it," i replied "donuts" "damn you"  we drank more, wasting time, then drunkenly rode bicycles to the donut store...  we were waiting when they opened at 4:30 a.m.  
  I went to a friend's party but in the end it got boring so we all split up and went to other parties. I ended up going to an 18th with my best friend's brother... who I ended up making out with for the majority of the night. We ended up in a sleeping bag together, and I decided to be nice and give him a hand job...   ...in a room full of people.  Some guy made me laugh so my friend's brother started yelling at me. Now... when someone yells at me while i'm in the process of doing something nice for them... I get angry.  So I pulled too hard and watched the expression on his face... his eyes were watering and you could tell he was in pain.  I grinned at him... turned around, and went to sleep... I thought I was so funny...  and I still do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So for the the third time in twice as many days, I am pulled over and delivered a moving violation and a summons to appear in court. Fine, I broker the letter of the law, and I got caught. I am a big boy and I can live with that.  But do I HAVE to say "Thank You" when he finally hands me back my driving license and the ticket? Surely "manners" have their limits....  
  Carl Sagan and Richard Feynman.  Carl Sagan - American astronomer and popularizer of science, Sagan is best known for his research on the possibilities of extraterrestrial life (or exobiology), including experimental demonstration of the production of amino acids from basic chemicals by radiation.  A professor of astronomy and space sciences at Cornell Univ. after 1968, he was involved with numerous NASA planetary space probes and was the creator and host of the 1980 public television science series Cosmos. His publications include The Dragons of Eden (1977; Pulitzer); a novel, Contact (1985); with Richard Turco, A Path Where No Man Thought (1990), on nuclear winter; with Ann Druyan, Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors (1992); Pale Blue Dot (1994); and The Demon-Haunted World (1995).  Richard Feynman, 1918-88, American physicist, b. New York City, B.S. Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 1939, Ph.D. Princeton, 1942. From 1942 to 1945 he worked on the development of the atomic bomb. He taught (1945-50) at Cornell Univ. and became professor of theoretical physics at the California Institute of Technology in 1950. The Feynman diagram, proposed by him in 1949, shows the track of a particle in space and time and provides a clear means of describing particle interactions. Feynman also made significant contributions to the theories of superfluidity and quarks. In 1957 he and Murray Gell-Mann proposed the theory of weak nuclear force. Feynman shared the 1965 Nobel Prize in Physics with Shinichiro Tomonaga and J. S. Schwinger for work leading to the establishment of the modern theory of quantum electrodynamics. He wrote the influential Feynman Lectures on Physics (commemorative issue, 3 vol., 1990), Feynman Lectures on Gravitation (1994), and Feynman Lectures on Computation (1996).  Carl Sagan and Richard Feynman.  Two of the most brilliant and important scientists of the 20th century.  And two big fucking potheads.  Right on.   Clavis   
  After he had shot his load, I layed back, suprised at how fucking wet I was. He leaned up to pull off the condom and started saying "shit" repeatidly. I asked him what the fuck was wrong and he told me it had broken. No wonder I was so fucking wet. It was his little babies crawling up inside me to ruin my whole fucking life. It was then that I decided that shitting in the bathtub when I was 4 wasn't such a fun idea after all.  
  tweezers.  table cloth.  miniscule flecks of weed.     
  so i am taking a shower in my dorm room, cleaning the liquor smell off my skin when my father knocks on the bathroom door.   he was passing through and was going to take me to lunch. he told me he would be waiting outside in the car.   when i got out of the shower i saw my roommate passed out sitting at his desk with a empty 151 bottle in his hand and his face smashed on the keys of his laptop.  from the night before.  i had noticed him when i got in the shower, but the hangover had fogged it from memory when my father had knocked.  i got dressed and left him lying, only taking care to place the shot glass on the shelf to keep it from getting broken.  i met my father in the car.  he asked if my roommate was ok.   i told him 'he is still breathing. lets go eat.'  
         Oooops.  I was back home for the weekend visiting the parents last weekend.    Phone rings, I answer it.   They are looking for my older sister.    I jokingly claimed that she had died a few years back by falling off a water tower while on mescaline in Puerto Rico. Then I hung up laughing.  Two weeks later, my mother calls me madder than I can recall her being in recent memory.    The phone call that I took two weeks earlier was a high school committee person updating addresses for a high school reunion.   They had sent a giant bouquet of flowers and form letter that went out to the entire class who signed it and noted their respective condolences.   Two months later, my older sister goes to her high school reunion.  Several people fainted, I heard tale.   Do I fucking rule or what?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Well, smack my gnome and call it a bitch!  
  How many times have you popped the lid off a beverage can or ripped off the wrapper on candy and simply chugged or chomped without looking? What if there's a finger or something in there?        
   Got Gas, Will Travel  I was a passenger on a Greyhound(tm)headed to Arizona from New York City.  The trip takes about three and a half days, so I was riding for a while.    Anyway, I'm sitting next to this guy whom I thought had Schizophrenia... being that he kept talking to himself and pointing at things in the air that weren't there.  It wasn't my CHOICE to sit next to him, I just made that fatal mistake when he boarded the bus - I made eye contact.  That was it.  I knew at that moment, he was going to sit next to me and sure enough - he did.  So I dealt with it.  I am allergic to milk, and... well... you know what happens when someone has a food allergy don't you?  They get gas.  So, I had to let off a few silent assasins.  I couldn't smell anything so I thought that maybe no one else would, but each time I let one rip, the crazy guy (who was wearing a baseball cap) would take off his hat and fan it in the air - signifying that he smelled something not so pleasant.  I was silently mortified.  Eventually, the bus made a rest stop and the guy got off the bus permanantly.   As I stood outside the bus waiting to re-board, another guy comes over to me and goes... 'hey, I think there's something wrong with that guy', referring to the schizophrenic.  So I said, 'yeah, I think he was crazy.  he kept taking off his hat and waving it around in the air and he was even talking to himself.'  The guy nods.  That guy might have been crazy, but he wasn't that crazy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to break off making out with a girl at the party since my ride was leaving.  "You'd better call me soon," she said.  "I'd better see you again soon," she insisted.  I've seen drowning men less eager for someone to make contact.  Not generally having the best fortune with the ladies, I was flattered.  Part of me wanted to make her beg, though.  
  she held his hand as he lie in his bed gently stoking his forehead with a tenderness shed not shown him often its ok said she everything is taken care of here you can go now and not worry  and the ninety three year old man i called pepe passed away as he wanted to in his own bed in his own house with his family around him        
  so the fuck what ten lowbrows in a row about bars who the hell cares if you are non drinker probly some total fuckin prude whoa uh mr shortfuse you are yelling at my screen about someone making an observation and if you think they are attacking you personally you might wanna put the beer down for a minute or two jese lowbrow incites a riot of one        
  I've seen two instances where I would have given my left nut for a camera: passing through Long Beach, next to the huge sign proclaiming it to be the Long Beach Tumor Institute, was a sandwich shop advertising "Meatball Sub Specials!" The other was in Honolulu, the "Sensually Yours" pervy lingerie shop right next to the Affordable Casket outlet.  Come and go.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Who will Kid Rock be when he's 37, Middle Aged Rock? 67, Elderley Rock,? and finally, Dead Rock.  
  quote  one iv vat of coffee with a darvon drip stat enquote must be a lawyer kinda day       
  I want to spike the coffee pot at work with LSD and just sit back and watch.  Maybe I'll just sit there and put on a gorilla mask.  
  Another anagram for "Mina Eats Lubricated Cheese":  Describe Satan.  A clue: I'm thee!   
  A friend of mine used to have the nasty habit of always coming up to someone with a drink, and just taking a drink completely uninvited...  it's not that we didn't want him to have soda, he was just being a bitch.  One fateful day (which we still refer to years later) someone gets the bright idea to piss into a cup, and hold it, waiting for said friend to show up, and of course he did, and like clockwork, grabbed the drink and took a big sip.  The expression was priceless as he sprinted to the bathroom, and emptied his stomach.  
  february and drunk and freezing at a busstop and my cousin is railing on me hard for not waking a loved one out of a sound sleep to come and pick us up sorry and i aint driving home when i cant even see and he cant stand so his arguments are just pissing me off the bus its racing toward us and it cant get here quick enough its not stopping i reach down a grab a hunk of car someones tranny must have ejected in its last explosive breath and hurl it at the bus so hard my arm went numb god that felt good crash it does the back side window in with a hearty spiderwebbed crack and the busdriver stomps the brakes great now what are we gonna do says my cousin as he starts running away from me as i start running to get on the bus the door opens and the driver gets off i lace into him about his job is to stop and people depend on it and freezing to death and blahblahblah and get in the seat behind the driver hes perplexed but finally gets in and starts to pull away and i shreik what about the guy whos running along side i scream thats just the shit i was yelling about you dont give a rats ass about your job or anyone else who is your supervisor blahblahblah my cousin gets on as the doors open the busdriver apologizes to him damn i am one scary drunken clown        
  fiftyonemilesanhour fiftyone then being ripped from the handlebars fingers gently releasing the throttle and in that space where time elongates thinking relax go limp youll break fewer bones flight that takes forever sailing through the air and trying to relax knowing the crash is coming when my shoulders and back hit first i felt that sickening pain in my left ankle as if it had broken and the endorphins had taken over my whole mass attempted to  force its way through my shoulder blades i popped my head above the surface thank god i was riding on water and not pavement i will never own a harley        
  I kind of like the smells of spray paint, burnt polystyrene, gasoline, and the like.  Then I get a headache.  I  kind of  like those smells.  
  I was newly-arrived in the Philippines at a huge outdoor auction buying some cars for my boss/brother-in-law. It was very early in the morning, but the place was packed, as was the Quonsett hut/office I was in. I settled down in a plastic chair to wait for business to start, and began playing with my new cell phone. Engrossed as I was, I noticed after a while that a song was playing over the loud-speakers, and everyone had gotten very quiet. I looked up and saw everyone standing still, and said loud enough for all to hear, "Oh, this is the national Anthem." All turned slightly to look at the stupid American. I stayed in my chair but I stopped playing with my phone out of respect.   
  guns don't kill people  people do.  (the gun just saves you the trouble of spitting bullets at twice the speed of sound into somebody's head.)  
  The Not-So-Cool-Lowbrow:  1. Writing Fan Fiction 2. Being a LARPer (live-action-role-playing) 3. Thinking you're a vampire 4. Watching MTV 5. Worshipping Star Wars 6. Not Being Able to Read 7. Eating Cheetos While Watching Star Trek In Your Parent's Basement, Over the Age of 25  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sushi in the morning after a long night of drinking, not remembering shit and having a huge hang over in the morning, really tests the boundries of your stomach  
  home..........a cramped mini-van, dirty dog, exploding car in jersey, jack-kinved truck in delaware, construction in D.C., getting hassled by rednecks, moldy burger, dirty fries, lost sneaker, broken mp3 player, busted window, and a canceled hotel reservation later you realize that you have no toothpaste. now, day 2.  
  Ever unknowingly run over your long skirt with the wheels of your desk chair until you decide to stand up and the tautness of the caught fabric yanks you back into a sitting position? Hope nobody caught that little piece of choreography...  
  Finally I can call it hump day....he always attends Wednesday nite races with the rest of the queer-bait-queer sailing crowd of solomons.  She always calls early and expresses her displeasure of being excluded from the event.  He is on the boat by 6pm so I can safely pick her up by 7pm...dinner with wine or rum finished by 10pm....she sits in the recliner in the living room to smoke her after dinner cigarette - always asking me the same question 'will you eat me out while I smoke this cigarette?'  Maybe thats why it is called hump day...it is so routine  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         May 1998, RFK Stadium Metro Station, Washington, DC  I was on my way to my first HFStival. By time I got to the final station, I had drank a good 6 cans of beer (warm Red Dog) without pissing. I discovered that day that holding in your pee can be more painful than you could ever imagine. I get off the train, and realize that finding a toilet quickly would not be easy. So I walk up to the end of the platform, up to the gate that prevents you from walking into the actual tunnel, whip it out and start peeing the most wonderful pee I've ever had, and probably will ever have. The whole time I prayed that a train didn't come down the tunnel, cause it would have blown all that urine back onto me, and quite frankly, that would have ruined the great feeling of victory I had at that moment.  My female friend got pretty angry at me, cause she was in the same situation as me, but being female, could not have done the same thing without showing off her goods.  
  Quote **** When your suffering from stomach pains because you have to run to the toilet but your not moving because that l33t weapon in Everquest is about to spawn and you will loose it if you move.   Well that's when you have hit bottom.  **** Endquote.   I thought you hit bottom when you started using words like "133t" and "r0xx0r" and "j00" instead of talking like any semi-normal person on the planet.   
  so i go to the store today and i find this dollar on the ground, i pick it up and put it in my pocket,   while i was doing this  some old lady kept looking at me.  then she walks over to me and tells me it was her dollar,   and i said fuck you old lady first come first serve.  so she beats the shit out of me and leaves me in a pool of blood in the store.  WOW what a day i can't believe it  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Recipe for hilarity:  Monday night, holidays.  Your best friend just got license.  Go out in his new van.  Get bored, decide to steal a propane tank from CO-OP.  Get pulled over three times in the next five minutes for broken tail light.  Decide it's best to ditch the tank.  Go to other friends house.  Not home.  Smash planters on the front step.  Write "Sorry about the plants" in magic marker on the tank.  Leave it on step.  Laugh uncontrollably.  
  When I turned one year old, my mom got me a toy drum.  My sister, three, was pissed because she didn't get anything.  She did't get anything, so neither should I. My sister told me it would be fun to stand on the the drum- it would make me so tall!  Well, being an impressionable one year old, I stood on the drum and promptly broke it.  I cried, she laughed. When I entered 5th grade, I grew taller than my sister.  She didn't fuck with me much after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i wrote down the number of the payphone at wal-mart here in this shit town. every once in a while i call it on my cell phone, just for kicks.  
  She said... "You're so self-centered, if you could blow yourself, you'd never leave the house!"...sound of the door slamming He said (to the empty air)"Yes I would!... I'd still need cigarettes!"  
   You know there is only so much dope you can smoke. We sat around in a windowless room in Chelsea and baked until our eyes bled. I gave that shit up a long time ago but I'll be damned if I don't wish for those days of blissful bakedness, wallowing in the arms of some wonderful person and eating Kix like they were precious escargot.       
  The term "body piercing" is kind of misleading. Getting shot with an arrow, now THAT'S body piercing.  
  Ah.  Here's why i stick with the old handy training bra technique.  (Though, when my tits showed up, they just kinda appeared full size, so didn't really do the training thing.) It goes like this.  You flip the bra so that it's inside out and backwards.  Then you wrap it around yourself with the cups on the back, the hooks underneath your rack, so to speak.  From there, you hook the hooks (see, this is so they're in a handy to manipulate place), and then turn the whole deal around, so that the hooks are in back and the cups're in front.  Finally, you stick your arms through the straps, leaning forward a bit so that the pieces fall into place and such.  After any final readjustments, you're good to go. Sure, it's not sauve, and it's not going to help your flexibility. But damn, it's easy.  /*Putting on a bra is like doing yoga.  You guys think it's hard for you, getting a girl's bra off in the dark? Yeah, well, try putting one on... try twisting your arms back-and-up behind your back. Just try it. Then try to slide two hooks, each the size of a moth's cock, into two coinciding holes no larger than the eye of a needle. Now, these clasps are not only behind your back and therefore out of view, but are also almost between your damn shoulder blades. This act must be preformed blind while contorted into an odd and slightly painful pretzel shape, with arms bent farther then, really, it looks like they should be able to, while at the same time performing a delicate and intricate task.   Well, it's cheaper than paying for yoga lessons, anyways...   - w0rm ouroboros@aol.com*/  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What has more sub-genres? Porn, or Heavy Metal?  
  If there's one warning I'd want to leave for you it would be this:  Don't walk around a dark kitchen at night with a boner.  
  i just took how much i look at lowbrow, daily, at work... multiplied it by how many days i've worked since i discovered lowbrow, and by my figuring... i've made approximately 4000$ viewing lowbrow.  
  I also thought that the Scots could come up with the most good reasons to drink, until my Brazilian friend Alex told me this one:  Q: Why do you drink?  A: I drink because it is liquid. If it was solid I would eat it.  
  We used to call her the tampon queen. Five years ago. And this spring break, I am joining the forces of my college friends, my high school friends, and my prep school friends for one purpose: to fork her lawn. ~puck~  
        Wayne Gretzky said that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.  Personally, I'd rather be the guy that stopped a shot, rather than the guy that took the shot.  If you think about it, who would you remember more?  The guy who took 50 shots and made 1 goal, or the goalie who stopped the other 49 shots?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When he finished telling them what exactly it would take to survive, they realized that in fact he was leaving and would no longer be there to protect them. Sensing the tension in the room he turns to them and narrows his eyes. "When things look bad and it looks like you're not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plum mad-dog mean. Because if you lose your head and give up, then you neither live nor win. And that's just the way it is."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my mom once told me she was happy that i drank good beer, because "people who drink expensive beers can't be alcoholics." i wonder what she would say if i told her how many times i've drank fifteen plus pints of guinness and still been able to drive home...  
  My dad's best friend worked as a psychiatrist in a mental ward a couple years ago. He had one patient that would walk around with a turd in his pocket.  Everyone in a while he would take it out, sniff it, and smile. I'd like to think he reads Lowbrow.  
  Cooks in restaraunts have what's called "the 5 second rule".....   If you drop someone's food on the floor and pick it up before 5 seconds are up, it's OK to send it out.    Sometimes you wipe it off first.    - stillbonging@smoke.net     There's also the "white napkin" policy...  "Oops, it fell right onto the white napkin, it's still clean"  I don't work in restaraunts anymore, but I have to block out that part of my brain when I go out to eat.  Bong hits usually do the trick.....  Kill 2 birds with one stone(r)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a guy who took showers only when I begged him to do so.   Not  the  best, mind you... though if he'd taken his personal hygeine more seriously, I might be married to him right now.    
  I had the oil changed in my car on Nov. 30. The technician filled out the little reminder sticker and put it in the upper left hand corner of my windshield. It says my next oil change is due Feb. 30.  
  language isn't my, um.. uh, thing that i do good.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We went to a luau while on vacation, and during the warm-up show the emcee asked if anyone was having a birthday. I raised my hand. Later the waitress came by and asked to see my driver's license to verify it, because if it was your birthday the dinner was free. I told her my purse had been stolen the first night we got here, managing to work up some tears about the cherished family photos and my watch I'd gotten from my mother on her deathbed.  She felt so bad for me not only was my dinner free, so was my husband's, and our bar tab was erased. My purse, need I mention, was back at the hotel, driver's license clearly showing my birthday to have passed three months earlier. Happy unbirthday to me.  
  When I set one of my hair extensions on fire while lighting a bong hit earlier this week, I realized that I've sunk to a new low of ghettoness.  
  Standing in line at the grocery store, holding a pair of shoelaces, a sixer of beer and a box of condoms, I thought, this probably looks a bit odd.   So I put back the condoms.  
  My friend came to school one day with her right shoe a little bit lopsided, like it got squashed by something large.  "What the hell's wrong with your shoe?"  "My dad accidentally ran it over with a van.."  "Yeah right!! That can't happen.. what REALLY happened?"  Later that day I went to her house and left my shoe carelessly by the door, in her garage.  My right Skecher is flatter than usual. Lesson learned.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago.  It hurts really bad.  She still loves me though, and enjoys spending time with me.  Me and my therapist are both fairly sure that she wants to get back together with me sometime down the road, she just has a lot of things to figure out in her life.  I'm thinking in 2-3 months I'll know.  I was kind of pathetic, we spent too much time together.  I'm trying to fix my life now, spend more time doing my own thing.  It's working really well, I'm a much more well rounded person, and if she ever does want me back, I'll be happier than ever.  But still I look forward to the next time I can see her, just so I can see how she reacts to me and try to judge what she's thinking.  I'm pathetic.  
  This wasn't my moment, but I was there after the fact.  I worked at one of those sleazy lingerie modeling places where guys can get private dances in private rooms from the girl of their choice.  (Keep reading, this is great!) So my friend Shannon gets a session with this one guy.  She takes him into the room and starts dancing for him.  Ten minutes later she comes out of the room all red faced.  I swear to god I thought he'd tried to rape her or something.  She comes over to my desk and puts her head down and starts heaving.  I'm like "did that fucker touch you, I'll go kick his ass!" and then she looks up at me with tears in her eyes and starts laughing hysterically.  Took me a whole three minutes for her to tell me what happend. (Trust me this is good)Turns out she was dancing and then sat down in a chair facing him and spread her legs.  Apparently the view wasn't good enough so he reached down, grabbed her right ankle and tried to lift her leg up as he pulled in for a closer look at her vagina.  Well this action had made her slide off the seat a bit and when he moved his face in for a real close look at her vagina she let one rip.  Right into his face.   As soon as she told me that I fell on the floor giggling.  I have never laughed that hard in my life.  I was crying.  I'm sure he heard us laughing. So I said "What did he dooo?" She said "Nothing he acted like it didn't happen but I did, I farted right on his face!"  *sigh*  Those were the days.  
  I don t know who you are or how you know the hurt peanut but here is a letter to cheer you up and remind of home. How is summer camp going?  Casey would like to know how Grahm is doing    I pasted this letter on an old picture of mine, I figured you could hang it up over your bunk or something.  Interesting story behind this picture (no pun intended!) ..it was the mid-eighties and I just finished a stint in South America working for the CIA helping to set up puppet democracies.  Can you spot me in the picture?  Didn t think so!!  I am the shadow on the wall behind the second gentleman on the right.  So I am working at the Pentagon as a bodyguard and you would not believe whom I am protecting .JFK!  Look at the first gentleman on the right after we faked his death he just went around with this strange flat smile on his face.    The summer is nearly over so I hope you have made the most of it and you summer camp experience.  Remember, they will call you paranoid .but you will never be paranoid enough!    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         7:30 AM: I'm in Rite Aid, and I need visine because I plan on smoking a fat joint before work at 9.  I pick it up, and wait by the counter.  No cashier...wait a little.  Manager guy says: "Oh someone'll be out in a minute."  What the fuck?!  Like I have TIME for this!?  Slip the visine into my coat pocket.  Head to the eye care aisle, fake put it back, and walk out.  Manager guy must have been suspicous, because he was outside, talking to someone as I left, and asked "Yo, where you goin?"  My response, with raised arms: "I gotta go, man!"  I think of that whenever I feel it's cool burn in my eyes...  
  I think I drove my highschool spanish teacher insane.  Granted I was kind of a cock.  Like, one time me and my friend added bogus questions to her "Spanish Jeopardy Board".  Instead of getting questions like, "Como se dice, 'Cat' en Espanol?"  We put in questions like, "In the 1983 Colombian Pornography flick, 'Fishin, Floggin, and Loggin" who played Antonio?"  She was none too pleased.  People actually tried to answer the questions though.  In fact, on one index card we just wrote the word "Grizzly" a hundred times.  The kid who got that answered, "angry bear" in Spanish.  God, I miss highschool.  
  As I'm walking through Albertson's the other night, the guy stocking shelves next to me drops 2 bottles of Gatorade on the floor, which immediately spill into a large pool.  Without thinking, I yell out "Herb, cleanup on aisle seven!" I don't think he appreciated that.  Sometimes I wish the filter between my brain and my mouth worked a little quicker.  
  only the ones who dont shamelessly attempt to sell themselves as the god or the girl or the guru are the ones worth the price          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My shy demure roommate tells me this morning:  "I had a really great bowel movement last night.  I hope it didn't wake you."  WAKE ME?!    I told her next time she does something that monumental again, at the very least, I want to see pictures.   
  yeah... i walked in on my roomate masturbating this morning she rolled over and pretended to be sleeping i giggled quietly to myself, knowing that not a word of this will ever be spoken between us  
  I caught crabs again, so I went to the local Safeway to get some RID. While there, I decided to steal it. I cannot remember if it was because I was embarassed or broke. I picked up the RID and started to walk down the aisle while stuffing the bottle of RID down the back of my pants. I heard this loud pounding sound and turned around. Up on the wall was this big assed two way mirror that I had somehow failed to notice and someone was pounding on the inside of the glass because they saw me steal the RID. I pulled out the RID and held it up for the Safeway police to see and set it down among the cleaning products and left the store. I went home and sprayed a bunch of RAID on my balls and pubes. It worked! Killed all of those little fuckers. I waited a few weeks to go back into Safeway.  
  i was trying to think of how i should tell him that i love him. he told me we'd be better off as friends.  
   Those Wonderful Advertising Men Do It Yet Again  The Chinese are really starting to get good at international marketing, but they still have a ways to go. Looking for a name for a new line of men's underwear designed for the American market, they want to find one that will imply overall freshness. They decide they should name them after a flower, and quickly come up with the freshest flower of all:  Pansy.  
  I've been interviewed on the local news several times with the caption 'neighbor' or 'witness' below my picture.  
  Sign of Batchelorhood... most people put away their plates and bowls to break out the "fine china" when guests arrive. not me the only time i even use plates or bowls is when i have company.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my next pet is going to be an octopus from which i will painstakingly remove three of its tentacles without causing it permanent damage and i will name said pet saint squidnacious loyola the pentapus  
  The first pair of honest-to-god titties that I ever saw, was when I was fifteen. I was over at my best friend's house, waiting for him to get ready for school, and his mom was in the kitchen, bending over to feed the cat. Not only did she have a really sweet ass, but the hem of her t-shirt dangled down, and I got a breathtaking view of her nice titties bobbling and swinging. Egad.... I got LOTS of mileage out of that one when I was fifteen and sixteen. Wait a minute; be right back!  
  Sitting in the Giant parking lot, quitely drunk, enjoying my lunch of granola bars and gatorade. I'm seventeen, It's another tedious summer day. I see a girl come out of the supermarket. Shes beautiful. Gotta be 16. I smile at her as she walks past, she smiles back. Less Than Jake plays in my CD player as she walks over to talk to me. This is my chance, getting the phone number of a good lookin chick if I play my cards right. I'm happy.  Then her mother calls her over, and she walks away to get in the drivers seat to drive away.  Dejection.  Cock blocked by a 40 year old, who woulda thunk it?  
  Have you ever seen a flock of sheep in a field? Unlikely, if you're from the New World, so let me explain. Flocks of sheep walk around slowly all day with sheep-shit encrusted all over their asses and the wool on their legs. Sometimes it looks like there's pounds of the damn stuff hanging there. So if you  really  want a curly-haired girlfriend who'll answer: "Not baaaaahd" when you ask her how it was for her, you would have to be quite brave. Anyway, I've recently started to think that the inhabitants of LowBrow are similar to a flock of sheep, at least in the rear-end department, 'cept they wear clothes, so it's not so obvious...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is this guy who owns a Vietnamese restaurant that I used to frequent in London.  He is French. Grew up and lived in Vietnam before the war. It must have seriously affected him. The restaurant is trendy and popular. Because he is a world-class drinks-maker. Won several global awards, in fact But he is a sick and twisted sadistic soul. He weaves, composes, infuses many measures of different spirits into these Stanley-Cup-sized cocktails such that they taste superb and one cannot detect the actual quantities of alcohol in the mixture. Within an hour of sitting down, young pretty girls, and idiotic stockbrokers and financial types are falling off of their chairs, not knowing what hit them. And Marc just stands behind the bar, emotionless, expressionless. Occasionally, I detect a slight wry smile escape from the edge of his lips whenever someone capsizes.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I await the day when "I'll give you five dollars if you use this nosehair clipper in your ass" actually works. And when that day comes, I hope I don't actually have five dollars.  
  the guy i was working with dropped his smokes into a can of polyurathane he fished them out and set them outside to dry i asked if he was really going to smoke them  he said naw, those are the ones i give to people who bum smokes off of me, i tell them i get them up in canada  
  I was in Sunderland, coming home from a night club. I was -extremely- plastered that night. I know I got home in a cab, but I don't remember the other people in it. I think I got free chips.  I woke up the next morning on my cousin's couch, wet, with Chinese food nearby. I don't know where I got the Chinese food, but it was raining the night before, so that must have been where I got the wet. Threw my clothes in the washer ... everything was fine.  Until the next day ...  That's when the foul stench of day-old urine hit. We spent the entire morning cleaning up and spraying scented shit all over the place in preparation for a barbecue that was supposed to be happening that same day.  The barbecue turned out just fine. Living in Sunderland, though, we had to lock up and close up all the windows at night or when we were gone. The smell didn't leave the house completely for another three weeks.  
  I was wallowing in my own patheticness for a few months during my first semester at a new college.  I had broken up with my ex maybe a week before getting there and was pretty broken up about it.   There was this girl who desperately wanted me -- The kind of girl that reads Camus and assumed that I'm an existential type of guy.  I wouldn't have slept with her even if she didn't weigh 250 pounds.   But she wouldn't stop coming by my room.  So I decided that I would let her stay to watch "Happiness" - a comedy about a child molester, more or less.  I figured it would gross her out enough she would stop coming by.  So I put it on and sat on my bed (furniture in dorms being non-existant).  She sat down next to me.  I didn't want to encourage her, so I contorted myself into a funky position for the entire movie, somehow avoiding even the slightest body contact (which, with her girth, was far from easy).  As the credits were rolling, I realized that I had taped the movie off of Cinemax and that there was soft core porn coming right up.  So I dove for the VCR.  There was a loud pop and I fell to the ground in pain.  I had dislocated my shoulder moving so quickly after sitting still for so long.  I got the vcr off first, though.  Thank god.  
  No sooner did I shoo my wife out of the house for the weekend of solo drinking than our dog gets the shits - all over the kitchen floor, the carpet, the patio, etc. Karmic backwash at its finest.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Friend: i'm now fucking paranoid that you put stuff i said on that site and reading lowbrow >:/   God I'm such an asshole.  Oh well.  
  i came home drunk one nite. well, i come home drunk just about every nite. my parents caught me this time though. my mom is a writer and wrote an article about it. they made me go to an AA meeting. one of the leaders there was hitting on me. at about 2am last nite, i saw him at a gas station and went and talked to him. he was really drunk.  
  Ever woken up to find a stark naked man laying next to you in a deep sleep, thereafter slowly clutching your head and wishing you'd not had so much to drink.  Maybe it's just me.  ~Merc~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Charity benefit on behalf of the radio station part 2.  So here we are, my friend and I (both DJ's at a radio station), making an appearance at a benefit for a woman who had been in a car wreck.   Enter a woman, with a rat-tail haircut and very few teeth. "Thanksss for comin', which one of you is the DJ?" "We both are," my friend says. At that moment, the woman's young son comes up and pulls on her skirt/rag thing. "Mommy, when can we go home?" he says. "When I'm done, drinkin," she says. "But Mommy, you're ALWAYS drinkin'!" The kid was about 4.   Again, what the hell did I get myself into...  
  I used to be goth.  For most people that is ok but I was (and still am) a nearly 300lb guy.Thats right I was a fat Goth.  If that wasn`t lowbrow enough I so often frequented a bar in Ybor city (Tampa, FL) that I not only knew the head bartender by name but I also had a drink that she concocted named after myself and a friend of mine.  It consised of :  1 shot of Blue Triplesec (can`t remember how to spell it)  1 shot of 151  1 shot of Hot Damn  On the night these were created I won a free bar tab by drinking 21 of these.  I not only puked all over the only girl in the place that ever showed me any affection I also puked all over my car and my friend who was driving.  Every gotten pulled over by a cop when your mascera is running and your friend (whos only slightly more sober than you) tried to find the liscense that e left at home on purpose casue its expired ?   
  We were watching TV when she announced that she wasn't a girl anymore. "I'm a grrl now," she said.  "G-R-R-L, it's different. I don't want you calling me G-I-R-L anymore."  "But they sound the same. How do you know which one I'm saying?"  "I'll know. I can tell"  So she MADE me start calling her grrl. And she would raise hell when she thought I was drifting back to my old ways. But sometimes when I know she's not paying attention, I sneak a "girl" past her radar.   Oh yeah, I've got a rebellious streak.  
  I woke up this morning with an awful case of crotch-rash.  Nothing to worry about, because my recent sexual history is... well, it isn't.  So it's just jock-itch, but hurts like hell, so I had to jury-rig a crotch-rash dressing.  Now I'm much more comfortable, but I'm not going  anywhere  today, no siree.  Just in case I get into an accident and end up in hospital, wearing two of my step-daughter's "light days" maxi-pads, held on with surgical tape...  
  I sit on the bus, me sitting on the bus because I am poor.  I see sitting on a bench a mother, daughter, father. A friend walks up and starts talking to the kid. Lighting up and blowing smoke right into her face. Puff Puff. The kid didn't even cough. A strong generation of kids is coming. hEad for the hills.  
  I'm an art major focusing on nudes, in a Christain college.  All day I have to think about tricking people to take off there clothes, like some lind of pervert.  So I'll have something to do.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember the first girl that let me have anal sex with her. We were about 18, spending the weekend at my parents house while they were on vacation.  We had talked about it for about a week before; I wanted to, she wasn't sure about it. We ended up doing it late on that Saturday night.  In the ordeal leading up to it, I promised to give her my Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Greatest Hits CD in exchange for her doing this(and this was someone I had been in a relationship with for two years!) It wasn't all that great, but I at least had the experience accomplished. At the time I was thinking, "Runnin' Down A Dream."  Damn I miss that CD now.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm married to a gorgeous model.  Seriously, she's that one girl that when she walks by, everybody turns and stares.  Her body is flawless - Victoria's Secret has begged her and begged her to do their catalog shoots, but she turns them down because she is too demure for that sort of thing.  She gets hit on more, when I'm with her or when I'm not, then a stripper gets dollar bills.  EVERYONE comes up to her and tries their luck, and it pisses me off to no end that even though her arm is around me, they think they can take her away with a cheap line.  Being 19 and 20 years old dosen't help either - people never believe we're married.  My lowbrow moment: reading everyone else's lowbrow moments.  People here have such great sex stories.  True, I might get to fuck my girl each and every way I want, whenever and wherever, but it just dosen't seem as much fun.  And it's still just her.  I don't have enough variety.  I get hit on by girls more just because they see how devoted she is to me and think I must really be something.  And I'm just fucked.  I'm too honest to do anything with anyone else, because I've given my hand and that's the end of that.  SO I miss out on all these great moments I'd like to experience on my own.  I don't know, but here's how it seems: I'm the guy that everyone envies, but I'm envying everyone else.  Damn...   
  i cant wait until i'm old and gray and have to put my arm up on the wall over the urinal in order to pee.  
  Back in my "cool" cocaine days, my friends and I would fly at the bars, bumping in the bathroom from k vials or baggies and pen caps.  We hated staying awake all night when we got home after a while, so we'd find any sort of downer we could and pop it about a half an hour before we went home, assuring a decent night's sleep.  Valium worked the best, so we'd try to keep a good supply on hand.  I got the last one of a big supply one night.  Opening the package at a urinal in the last bar of the night, I dropped the pill right onto the pink urinal cake.  It was time to weigh my options- fitful, sleepless night? or lowbrow moment? Obviously, I went fishing.  Best sleep I ever got.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Read a 'brow about a guy pulling a blade of grass outta his cats ass.  Almost identical story:  Our fluffy long-haired cat is walking around and we notice it's ass seems shinier than normal.  Must have caught something shiny in it's fur.  Upon closer inspection, nope, it's a single strand of tinsel, just sitting there.  My wife proceds to grab it and pull it out, it's longer than expected and the cat's tail, sticking straight up, twiches with every centimeter of tinsel.    We throw the tinsel out.  We find the cat fetching the tinsel from the garbage later on, and proceeds to eat it.  Again.  Guess it liked the tugging or something.  
  i make decent $ .. but i'd still have a couch on the front porch if there was room for one  
  we were lazy about the weed. had an ounce of it for our trip from the south to montreal. in upstate ny, we ditch the bag at a friend's house, to be picked up upon our re-entry into the U.S.   we then decide, ehh, fuck cleaning the car out, the pot's gone, we'll be fine for the border inspection.  sure enough, at the cornwall crossing, we're the only car detained for inspection. and these canadian customs officials fucking GO TO TOWN. they're practically taking apart the damn car.  we overhear one of the guards, who is supervising two new rookies; "remember, if you even find a seed, it is enough for a formal arrest." we're getting kind of nervous. all those in-car bowls, there's gotta be something lying around on the floor.  then they find our rolling papers. shit. a real bull-dyke looking canadian guard approaches me.   "would you mind explaining to me what the purpose of these rolling papers are?"  "uh, yeah... i used to roll my own cigarettes. i guess i forgot those were in the car."  she rolls her eyes. a younger male customs guard next to us mutters "good answer."  they let us go though, with a stern warning not to be so stupid. we proceed to montreal and get lap dances and drink all night. but you know what?  STUPID FUCKING CANADIANS. they never even frisked us. i could have had a hello kitty backpack full of anthrax stuffed down my pants, they wouldn't have known shit. made me feel dumb for ditching the weed in n.y.  oh well, it was still a fun trip.    
  3/21/03  There was something unusual in the urinal yesterday.  I couldn't tell whether it was a marshmallow or a urinal cake that had just been eroded into a small white cylinder.  It didn't have a granular surface, and it was too perfectly shaped to be a urinal cake, but looked too dense to be a marshmallow.  Either way, I still pissed on it.  
  The Spark's gender test says that I am a man. I'm decidedly female, equipped with breasts and all. I don't know anyone else that the test has guessed incorrectly, it's always been spot on.   Anyone else had the same experience with it?      - jane_bondage007@hotmail.com __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _    When I saw this, I went and took the test. It thinks I'm a man too. I was the only girl growing up on a block full of boys. I practically lived with a frat. I don't have a lot of girl friends, either. Just so you know, you're not alone. But this does make me also think of a moment:  I went out to dinner for my friend Katie's birthday. It was me, her, and two other girls. Our friend Corey, a guy, was also supposed to come but backed out at the last minute. As we're sitting there, I say, "You know, I am having a good time. I'm glad I came out to dinner with you. The only reason I wanted Corey to come was so there'd be another guy..."  They all look at me. "Another guy?" I just shake my head in amazement at myself.  
  He said "The best thing about the Amish is, you can fuck with 'em all you want and they can't fight back."  Yes indeed  
  My wife is folding laundry and throws a pair of underwear at me. "Why don't you throw these away?"  "Why?"  "A little too yellow for me."  "Yes, dear."  
  I found an eyelash today when I was with my girlfriend.  I wished for her to cuddle up close to me since she was being kinda distant and such.  Not two minutes later she was cuddled up close to me.  I should've wished for some money or something.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was a new year's eve party. I got really drunk. Started doin stuff with some chick I wanted to get on for awhile then I took her back to my dorm room sometime in the morning. I began feeling sick from all of the alcohol I feverishly pound the night before. While we were lying down, I got up, looked at her, held my hand out and started puking. As if that sight wasn't bad enough, I farted simultaneously.  I haven't spoken to her since.  
  I never thought that this site would be educational, but it has brought me to some Jack Handy-type deep thoughts. While reading all the stories, I have come the the conlusion that every politician, police officer, beauty queen, supermodel, bestselling author, actor/actress, mother, oil-tycoon bazillionaire, and white-collar office drone has at least once in their life done all of the following: 1. Been caught masturbating 2. Picked their nose until it bled, munching boogers the whole time. 3. Shit themselves outside of their own house. 4. Ate something they found in the couch. 5. Done a scratch & sniff when they thought nobody was looking. 6. Laughed at a fart joke, most likely their own. 7. Said something out loud about the program on TV, only to realize that they were alone, and felt sad nobody was there to hear how witty they were. 8. Looked at a blood relative in an impure manner. 9. Been so drunk that they swore they'd never do it again, only to do it again at the very next opportunity. 10. Done something so stupid and dangerous that there are laws against it in every state and country, only to get away with it, survive, and say "cool."  I find it comforting and reassuring that none of you, nor me, nor anybody on Earth is expected to keep their brain working all of the time. And really, what damage can you really do to yourself byt eating that lint-covered candy treat?  
  I drank Bloody Marys all day yesterday and then exploded them out of my ass all morning. It was a bloody mess.   
  Last night my best guy friend, my boyfriend and I went out to the bar with a female friend of ours. Some out of towner had asked her out and she did not feel she could say no, but did not want to go out by herself. So we stay out till like one oclock (and i had an 8 oclock class this morning), and after talking about how she does not "do that sort of thing" she is drunk and all over him and they head back to his hotel room. 20 minutes later she called to tell me that when they got to the hotel, the dumbass actually told her he was married and has a kid, and still expected to get laid. I do not know which one was the bigger retard, but I do know that it would have been a lousy wasted night if he had not bought all of my drinks and the whole group pizza.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've come back from a party.. I can't stand myself.  I haven't had one drink, and have done things worse than I would if I did have a couple.  Maybe being drunk is a good excuse after all.. just wish I wouldn't be lying.     I am in such horrific shit right now.  
  When my English teacher told us what a "kenning" is, the first five to enter my mind were:  Love muscle Boom-stick Bearded clam Liquid courage Moose-knuckle  I guess it's just my own little mnemonic device.    
  We spy a woman with a full load of books and bags in in one arm, a crutch in the other and a cast on one leg.  My friend says: "You should go help her out."  "I should," I remarked as I sat down.  "but it's more fun to watch her struggle."   A few moments, one mild struggle and a very mean stare at us later, she was free.  As she hobbled by, my friend commented on how much of a jackass I was and how I should have helped.  I then gestured at the door to the immediate right of the one she exited from.  This door was marked with a wheelchair, adorned with signs, and will open automatically from the inside when you step on the rubber mat.   "Oh." he said.  We laughed.  I still felt a pang of guilt for not helping her, but it passed quickly.  Thinking of her mean stare made me laugh again.      
  I almost feel proud of this one, but then again... no.  I'm in the bathroom at work, I go to flush the toilet- and the lever turns too far. I just broke it. Do I tell someone about this? No. Instead, I devise this fucking brilliant plan. The stall doors have those cheap pin locks that you turn a knob to close. Fortunately, there's a slot on the side of the lock that doesn't have the knob. So I exit the stall, pull the door closed with my foot, and lock it from the outside with the little Dodge fob on my keychain. Then I get one of those little stick notes, put it on the door, and write "broken" on it in what I hope doesn't look like my handwriting.  I guess it worked, since the door stayed locked for about 3 weeks. I'm pretty sure they thought the maintenance people put the note there.  
  So glad was I to finally be out of the Hotel Audio Visual business.  I was the director of Audio Visual at a medical school. I'd finally made it.     Ha! Out of the frying pan...  ...I thought as I stood on a ladder over 20 cadavers in the gross anatomy lab re-wiring a ceiling speaker on my first day. I reeked of formaldehyde for hours after that.   Six months later I got fired for sleeping in a lecture hall projection booth. I think I sabotaged myself.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Exiting the movie theater in the mall, my 4 friends and myself decide to stop for a cigarette, and we notice a candy apple red ford 250 sitting on the street with a gigantic tail fin.  A man ran out of the car into the restaurant, locking the car and sounding his alarm.  My friends and myself were pondering exactly who would steal such a car, which lead us to the same type of people who would spend roughly $2000 customizing his truck.  This was before the man ran back and turned on the car sounding his "cucaracha" car horn, and my knees buckled as I feel to the ground laughing.  
  as i ride down my 400 meter driveway on my shitty old mountain bike i recoil in shock as a carpenter bee smashes into my glasses and smears itself all over wet and sticky sliding down my face i pull over and recover myself to unshockedness and calmly wonder where i can get some of those windshieldwiper glasses  
  One morning, I awoke to the girl I had been screwing in a drunken frenzy the night before.  I decided to eat her pussy.  During this endeavor, something entered my mouth and I immediately spit it across the room.  It resembled the little white calcium deposit you spit up every so often.  To this day we refer to that girl as "calcium deposit."  
  My wife and I were trying the "withdrawal" method and I though it might be interesting to cum on her face after I pulled out, you know, like in pornos.  So it's Thanksgiving and the bird is in the oven so we decide to fool around.  I pull out and bring my dick up there and start whacking it, and before I can warn her I splatter her from forehead to chin.  Her eyes were open and a big glob got her in one eye.  She yelled at me and her one eye got all bloodshot.  I said I was sorry but all throughout dinner I was looking at her bloodshot eye and replaying the afternoon in my head.   
  Setting:  Monday late afternoon, Hell's Kitchen, NYC.   My friend Kevin and I are VERY drunk, having both taken the day off from work to do a little day drinking.  Anyway, a little day drinking turns into a lot of day drinking as we make calls on all of our friends who either live or work in the city and end up going to 6 liquid lunches / happy hours.  We're wandering around Hell's Kitchen trying to find a bar named Rudy's that serves free hot dogs and $6.50 pitchers of beer.  Stumbling up and down 8th Avenue, we finally come to the conclusions that we are not going to find this bar on our own and that our buzz is slowly going by the wayside. (After a long drinking session, any downtime puts me right to sleep)  We stop to ask two cops standing on a street corner for directions.  They glare at the two inebriated souls in front of them as we attempt to describe this bar in the off-chance that one of them has heard of it. Ding! Kevin remembers the one defining feature of Rudy's! "You have to know this place, there's a huge pig out front!" Now, starting to get a little irritated, the cops start easing their nightsticks out of their holsters. "C'mon, the place with the pig!" I'm tugging on Kevin's jacket, trying to get him to walk away while we still have all of out teeth, but he won't let go... when it comes to pubs, he's a pit bull with a four year old's arm in his mouth. "There's a big plastic pig out front of Rudy's!" Finally, a reaction other than a contemptuous scowl. "Oh, yeah... just walk three blocks north... it's on the left hand side of the street." "Thank you officer." I told Kevin the story the next day... he didn't remember a damned thing, but you'd better be sure we had a helluva lot of pitchers and free hot dogs at Rudy's... and thanked the cops again on our way to the next bar.  
  THe last time we got drunk, my friend walked over the hood of a car up on Greek Row and left a big fucking dent. He did this about 20 seconds after people got out of the car and they predictably chased us down (we were walking away not terribly quickly) and beat him up. Nothing too bad, though it was the second shirt he lost to drunkenness that weekend (The first being when he decided to jump in a bush for no apparent reason). I'm a bad person for not helping him out, but he's a fucking idiot for doing it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she dared me to whack it in the bathroom.  She said if I did it, she'd give me $5.  Was she retarded? Easiest Five bucks I've ever made.  
  my boss is a 21-year-old, self righteous, arrogant prick-genius who never graduated high school because he dropped out due to excessive teasing and torture by his peers.   i, on the other hand, am a 25-year-old college grad who just happened to be a football star.  he makes twice my salary.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Everytime I accuse my boyfriend of ignoring me (which is a few times a week), it turns out he's just high.  Somehow that's better.  
  You get lulled into a false sense of security in a town like this.  Relaxing at the local Starbucks on a warm June evening talking with the mate over iced coffee, kids skateboarding in the parking lot, lots of other people enjoying the early summer evening. A couple with a baby carriage and a big yellow labrador at the table outside.  I walk up to get a packet of sugar and catch a glimpse of the poster pleading for someone to identify the decapitated little girl that was found dumped in an empty lot the month before.  Yin and Yang  
  Its bad when you roll over and land on something wet and you ignore it because you know what it is and just don't care. Whats worse is getting up and figuring out that your buttcheeks are stuck together.  
  I was talking with my mom, a former 60's hippie (went to Woodstock and the whole shebang), about the transformation of the highschool drug dealer.    A quote from this:  Yeah, why the fuck would you take heroin when you can buy Valium, Prozak, and Riddlein, get almost as good a high for less then 10 percent of the price.  Aah... Now I understand why America's youth stopped talking to their parrents.  
  if i read lowbrow long enough, i'll find my soul mate.  It's just simple logic, that someone compatible with me would be doing a compatible action.  this rest on the assumption, of course, that a person's character can be determined from their moments.  crap.  so what i'm really looking for is someone who's bits of jabber are dull and poorly constructed in the same way that mine are.  wellthankyouverymuch.  
  A few points I feel I have to clarify.  1) Just because I shave my balls doesn't make me any less of a man.  I like the feeling of nice silks or cotton jockeys against my crotch.  2) Don't rush the "shaving my balls" ritual.  Nothing sucks more than razor burn on your shaft or nutsack.  If you are going to shave those puppies, devote at least a full hour to it.  It's best if you can assure that you won't be interrupted.  3) After you are finished, take a shower, dry yourself off, and put some aloe down there.  Razor burn sucks.  Razor burn on your balls sucks even more.  It's best if you dry yourself off, apply the aloe cream, and spread eagle for 10-15 minutes before getting dressed.  If not, you may have an unpleasent odor emenating from your genetalia for the rest of the day.  Make sure to towel yourself off thouroughly before slipping into your underwear.  It's actually best to take another shower, but that's up to you.  4) After you are clean, make sure to yank it a few times to celebrate your achievement.  Go around and display your trophy balls to pets, girlfriends, wives, etc...  Take a good look in the mirror and be proud!  There isn't too much to ball-shaving.  It's a fine art that those so inclined will eventually master.  There is a few things to keep in mind however.  Minimize the stimulation that occurs while shaving the different "hemispheres" of the nutsack.  Also, be careful while shaving the shaft...  If you are anything like me, you'll get cum all over the fucking razor every damn time.  It's really hard to shave during the middle of an orgasm or when your cock is still all swollen and throbbing.  Best of luck to you.  
  The first girlfriend I had in college was from South Korea.  She used to tell me, "Arthur, why do Americans say something, go silent for a second and then say 'you know'?  Because we don't know."        
   Cookbook Placeholders  I really  do  like to read cookbooks for entertainment, but they also function as a very effective way to start a conversation with a woman in a bar. Perhaps I should patent the idea. Anyway, I'm reading my cookbook, which is full of placeholders for recipes that I might fancy. She sits down, and in no time at all we're chatting happily away about food and cooking. She's just awful cute, and smart, and all ten of her fingers are bare. She asks what I do for a living, and I time-shift only slightly and tell her that I'm a high-class software engineer. She likes that, and the conversation gets warmer. She asks what I'm going to cook tonight. I answer that I'm thinking about a couple of things. I feel for one of the placeholders, and show her the recipe. She looks impressed by my ability. This is starting to look very good indeed. But then she suddenly looks wary. I slowly realize that the placeholders I'm using are all recently-dated unemployment benefit envelopes...  
  she was six years older than me and i was a highschool dweeb she drove me home from a play we both saw she being an art student at risd asked me if there were any artists i like and i told her that i liked mcescher i did i still do she told me she had a few of his prints i asked her if she wanted to see the prints in my room she laughed i didnt know why at the time nothing like the first time escher still makes me wiggle    
  I guess that passes for "riding off into the sunset" these days. She'd married this lowlife guy; I was 'Best Hermaphrodite' at their borderline stupid doomed wedding, when his bud cancelled last minute, and I almost lost my job for it. Now I was watching her formerly nice car (now a total piece of shit) stuffed to the tits with as many of their posetions as could fit. They were on their way to California doing a low and slow 10 mph past the garbage dumpster outside my house. The underside of the car had maybe 3" from  scraping the road.          
  whilst spooning, I slyly remove her pajama pants and panties.   She cocks her head, and slyly says, "did you ask to do that?"  I grin, and reply....  "if I don't ask...you can't say no...."  access granted.  
  My friend thinks that taxes should be completely voluntary.  Yeah. They should be completely voluntary to the extent that people have a choice. They can pay taxes or spin "the wheel of unavoidable fate." There are four sectors of the wheel, the Atlantic, Canada, the Pacific, and Mexico. We then take a plane, fly 100 miles deep into the territory that they have spun, and drop them there. They get a lifevest  only  if they have spun "Mexico."  
  I asked Jeeves what the meaning of life is, and he has no idea either. So much for my backup plan.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My nephew just got out of the bath and hadn't yet gotten dressed. I laid down on the floor to help my back and closed my eyes, quite comfortable. When I opened them back up, my nephew is standing over me with his 4 year old peter wagging in my face.  
  If one were to count the number of times beer brand names are mentioned, pabst blue ribbon would be far, far in the lead. Why? Because it sucks.  
  Primary One (first grade, for you Yankees). Teacher is Miss Moffatt (why is it that everybody remembers their first grade teachers' names?). Anyway, I really need to go to the bathroom, but I don't quite know how to ask. So I just pee as I'm sitting there. After a few minutes, Miss Moffatt (with no spider in sight) notices, and comes over, awful tall and threatening. I blame it on the girl sitting next to me. Doesn't wash. The girl sitting next to me has dry clothes, while I don't. So I'm introduced to the Glengarry - the fat leather strap issued to all teachers to control their class. Six of them, on my outstretched little hands. Scotland was rough, in those days. Oh, and the totally-dry little girl sitting next to me? Judith Baxter, who I completely loved for all seven years of primary (grade) school, and am now desperately trying to track down online.  
  I dated a guy who thought "Cooter" was an acceptable name for female anatomy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever had someone take a festering dump in your car?  I have...  Driving back from prom, I got stuck driving my buddy's whacked-out girlfriend home. The girl was beyond drunk.  At one point during the ride, she gets this big, shit-eating grin on her face and starts babbling incoherently.  About 20 seconds later she hikes up her dress, spreads her legs and dumps all over the front passenger seat of my mother's car.  The best part of the evening came an hour later, when I was down on my hands and knees in the 7-11 parking lot trying to clean up the mess.  This trucker comes up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "Yeah, I've had nights like that too".  
  So when this skinny indie rock guy dressed in a mechanic's jacket makes eye contact with me while I m waiting for the train, I notice that he resembles an old flame.  Now that's the kind of guy I want, I muse.  A month later, this same guy, Mr. Skinny Indie Rock, is my boyfriend. He's in my bed for the first time and I'm hot. So I go to pleasure him.  No thanks, he says casually. My depression meds make me mostly impotent.  Oh...  
  My favorite vegetable is asparagus, but not because of the way it tastes. I love asparagus because of the way it makes your piss smell so funky.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i hate airplane lavatories. besides the recycled air, the toilets are terrible- too small, my cock touches the front rim when i sit down. worst of all, the bowl has a ledge to catch the shit before you flush. but if you drop a good sized shit, it's too heavy for the ledge, which dips and the shit slides away before you can see it, robbing you of your due satisfaction.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i go to the store today and i find this dollar on the ground, i pick it up and put it in my pocket,   while i was doing this  some old lady kept looking at me.  then she walks over to me and tells me it was her dollar,   and i said fuck you old lady first come first serve.  so she beats the shit out of me and leaves me in a pool of blood in the store.  WOW what a day i can't believe it  
  i guess i must have been no more than 14 years old (wasn't THAT long ago) and i was at a friend's house, with another friend as well.  we wanted to rent a movie, so her mom drove us to the store.  i don't remember what we rented, but i remember taking a long time. then, as we were leaving, i see this mother, yank her kid from her car, and start pulling him with her as he's crying.  she's putting her hand up, as if to threaten to hit him, and i'm just watching this, completely disgusted.  as i open my door, i shout behind my shoulder "IT'S A CHILD! NOT AN ANIMAL!" well, psycho mommy heard me, and gives me the finger, still towing her child by the collar of his shirt.  i just shrug it off, and my friends and my friend's mother all look at me like, wow... i can't believe you said that (they were all thinking the same thing mind you).    the lady with the kid then starts to stomp over to the car and proceeds to knock on my window, challenging me to a fight.  everyone else in the car is wigging out, and my friend's mom rolls down her window to say get lost, but she's on the opposite side, so it does no good.  the woman's just hitting the window and i'm just freaking out. then my friend's mom abruptly pulls out of her space, leaving the crazy lady screaming and yelling like a child.  i still don't know why she got so offended.  i was merely pointing out her public display of shitty parenting.  not MY fault she was in a bad mood.  but come to think of it, i probably did light the fuse on that one.  
  I am terrified of clowns.  I am terrified of midgets.  If I ever see a load of midget clowns piling out of one of those little clown cars I will shit my pants and die.  Thank you.          
  So today, after my cats knocked over the fucking garbage (the one in the kitchen AND the one in the spare bedroom), and i walked outside to get the mail barefoot, tracked dirt on the floor, and turned it into sludge when i accidentally dumped sweet tea all over the floor, and there's still blood in the sink from piercing my tongue, and the dirty dishes are piled so high in the kitchen that they are starting to stick together, and i haven't done laundry since being at my parents' house over christmas break so i smell like a homeless person from rural maine, i decided, i give up! i am going to live in filth and squalor! i am going to stop vacuuming up the kitty litter that my cats kick all over the place and instead grind it into the rug with my boots and say that i am making a zen garden in the living room. i am going to leave my articles of clothing lying all over the house. a different person will crash on my couch every night. there will always be loud, obnoxious music or musical instrument-playing or general industrial karaoke night, and sometimes "Let's Imitate Rozz Williams" night. when i run out of toilet paper i will just stick my lower half in the bathtub and rinse off, there, nice and clean and no trees have been killed. or i will use Rolling Stone. i will start gluing condom wrappers to my wall and throwing the used condoms out the window. i will be a nasty, dirty, broke punk who can't even fucking afford tampons, and i will be proud!  ok...what this is really about is, i'm just tired of cleaning.   
  it had all the makings of a perfect evening.  the both of us get dressed up all pretty-like and head out to our 7:30 dinner reservations at a lovely french restaurant.  we start with champagne coctails, then an aligator apitizer, a lovely white wine with our lobster dishes (topped with crab meat, of course), and finish with souffles.  after our meal, we go out for a few drinks at a local snazzy bar.  a perfect end to the evening was in sight when, on the way home, she told me how bad she wanted me. we come in and sit down on the couch.  she falls asleep.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bored and stupid from the heat, me and a friend of mine, Cory, stopped in the local Golden Coral for a bite to eat and a cold drink. Cory being heavier than I was, decided to eat for a fucking hour...  So in the meantime...  With a bowl of gummies bears, add one bowl of lightly whipped cream...and whal-la!   Instantly you have the worlds largest gummie bear orgy spanning two tables and offending many-a-customers at your local Golden Coral.  Cory loved the idea and joined in...  Offering just about evering postion in the book, we blew whipped cream and lewd candy bears across the tables until we were satisfied and went home to watch pornos.  
  All my friends and I were at my girl's barbecue party and getting really drunk. After everyone was stuffed they decided to watch a movie/play Nintendo 64 whatever I do not remember but anyway my 'posse' and I stayed outside to smoke a few blunts of crisp AK47...After this we decided to swim in the pool, the only problem is that the pool was actually my girl's neighbours pool...down the road and we knew they were on vacation so we walked down the street, jump the fence and dive bomb in, splashing around happy, drunk and stoned out of our minds, then someone points out those damn signs we all hate and make fun of "THIS IS OUR OOL NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT" My friend then says well, no, but there is shit in it! and promptly jumps out, leaving us with two giant floating turds. Now I do not know what compelled all of us next but we left that pool with about fifteen big man shits in it. I never found out their reaction cause I broke up with my girlfriend after I found out she had been fucking Mr. Shit for months.   
  to all the guys out there who wonder wut periods r like...id love to explain...imagine one week you weigh 120 lbs, and the next 300..imagine having exactly ONE day of the MONTH you only have 1 thing you hate insted of the usual 500..imagine going absolutly nuts for a certain food that it drives you so crazy you start twtching and the teacher sends youto the nurse...imagine feeling frustrated at everything one moment, then laughing for an hour the next moment, then bursing into tears next..when finally the day you've been waiting for comes (even tho that day is wen you find a glob of the nasty shit on your thong wen you feel it come out and run to the bathroom, and then have to clean it up and run to the nurse for a tampon, then try to hide it as you make your way back to the bathroom)but PMS is over and the cramps and weight gain/loss...but now you have the pleasure of little surprises on your bed sheets and matted pube hair which hurts, not to mention when your tampon isn't soaked with blood enuff to come out comfortably and it hurts like a bitch or your pad (even tho it has wings...the commercials always lie) is found crumbled and overlapped on your underwear and you got the stuff all over your panties...finally the days are over and you're back to normal...but as soon as you're done with all that...PMS starts AAALLL over again...and YOU actually have the nerve to complain about how it sux that your g/f has her period...how do you think she feels?! and the worst thing is this is the time we're the horniest and you won't touch us because we upset you with our PMS eppisode the other day, and then get mad when we're not in the mood any more...  
  MORE TALES FROM THE SOCCER TEAM:  Tom's a legend.  He spit in a kid's face, before that baseball player did it.  Right in the eye.  YELLOW CARD.  Ah, he got to go in again after a minute.  And he got a red card for giving the same kid an elbow in the head.  Billy.  "GOOD JOB, TOM! GREAT JOB!"  We're a tight knit unit, us.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was Easter Sunday and I had been out all day with my business partner.  We drank shit table wine at Olive Garden and then headed back to the office where we would later consume more wine, beer and two well-crafted skunkweed joints (ahh, yes).  ...insert blank memory here...  Later that evening, I had to train the data entry manager on how to do night processing.  I stumbled back into the office and giggled at her.    I don't remember what I said, but I knew I had to vacate my bowels rather profusely.  I ran upstairs to the bathroom (phweet) and opened the door (toot).  Scrambled, knock-kneed, to the stall door (blurt).  I proceeded to unbuckle and take down my trousers (*GLORP*) and, in that moment of glory, before the trow had passed that delicate threshold of freedom known as the ass-crack, I proceeded (*GERBLUNK*) to vacate my bowels into the upper portion of my pants.  SHIT!  FUCK!!  MOTHERFUCKER!!  Approximately a half hour later, my underwear was wadded and crumpled, alone in the waste basket.  The back of my pants were wet where I had desperately tried to hide the evidence of my apparent inability to control myself by blotting and dabbing up the   fecal matter.  I waddled back down to the office and told the data entry manager that I would train her on how to do processing some other time.  I needed to go home.  She understood.   
  All bow ties and vest, the waiters fluttered around the upper class, soberpatrons.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  "When masturbation is to much work, then you're fucking lazy."  
  i am so sick of hearing britney 'my music sucks' spears talk about how she has grown up so much on her new album.  hey britney, if by 'growing up' you mean making even shittier music and wearing even less clothing, then you've grown up a lot.    otherwise, you're not even close.    
  I get a lot of porn junkmails in my hotmail account. What's a lot? Well, let's just say more than 2.  So anyway, the point is that one of the subject lines read "NAKED SLUTS OF INDIA!!!"   Now is it just me or does that sound like one of those colorful substitutes for swearing.  Like "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST!!!" or "HOLY JUMPING CATFISH!!!"   But just try working it into conversation.  Not good.   E.G.   Jane: Wow! look at the size of that dog over there!.  John: Yeah! Wow! NAKED SLUTS OF INDIA, that's one big pooch!!  ..... see.  Just doesn't work.  
  Just because he works as a model doesnt mean he's that good of one. Even Walmart has a catalogue...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm at my friend's sister's wedding, not mingling with the people.  Instead, I spend the whole night staring at her straight cousin, having thoughts I probably shouldn't be having about a relative of the bride.  In an attempt to be a good guy, I forego my table's chance at the buffet to talk to the bride's father, who I barely know.  We bullshit for quite a while, and I feel good about myself...until I go to get some food and see that the buffet is closed.  No food, no sex, only one glass of champagne and 6 more hours of reception.  
   TURN ABOUT IS FAIR PLAY   John Clavis's myfeces.com rant:  He posted the name and address (and phone - email) of the woman who has this domain registered.  He then asks you to call her and ask why she registered that name.  I guffawed at the incredulity.  What testicles.  Bravo!  Then at the bottom he proudly claims to own smearedwithfeces.com. and says [it] "is a fake pretentious artist's website."  Sigh.  Clavis, John  john_clavis@yahoo.com     PO Box 2559     Grand Central Station     New York, NY 10163-2559     US     (212) 252-5456  All is fair in love and lowbrow.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               to embrace and live gracefully with you own stupidity is the ultimate art of living  oh yeah and mwuu is a lying ass bitch  
  Lunchtime.  Ninth grade.  Everybody's hangin around.  Big fat redneck sits in front of me.  Never fucks with me, cause I'm the ticket to all the girls he jacks it too every night.  I'm the inside source.  I'm his ticket to getting laid.  I know all the girls, and he wants them.  He nonchalantly tells me he salutes a Swastika flag that's been in his family since the 40's.  I happen to tell him I'm Jewish.  The looks swapping around the table are intense, as they believe a fight of mammoth proportions is about to erupt.  I slap him on the shoulder, and tell him it's alright, I don't mind.  But he better get used to using a warm plastic bag and KY.  
  Have you ever peed 2twice in 5minutes but in different bathrooms ?  well you do if you drive to work 3minutes and then use the bathroom.  so i am half a sleep and go peeing again , damn i am coke-a-holik .  so i am peeing there looking in the mirror( i love my self ) all of a sudden i hear " shit you moron what the hell are you doing " -000ps   that was my boss i have peed all over his pants he has been on my left in the stall all theese time i was enjoying myself.  Another fun day @ work  
   The Epicenter of Hippy-Dippyness #1  My best buddy in Ithaca opened a tofu factory. (Perhaps I should stop right there...) 'Cept he had mounds of used-up soybeans that pig farmers carted away for free. So he came up with two new products: DogFu and CatFu. Didn't work. Even in Ithaca, dogs and cats are still carnivores...  
  Whenever we get naked, we quote Quadrophenia at the top of our lungs, so words echo down the hallways. No one knows we're just quoting the Who.   "Rastas, you fantastic bastard! Why so bloody hard?!"  ~puck~   
  We sit next to a blue Budget rental moving truck. Painted on both sides in white, "Tip #48: Packing tape should not be used for painful practical jokes." Under this there are white two stick figures, one has wrapped duct tape around the other's head and is pulling the tape and dragging the taped figure's head towards the puller's crotch. It all comes together when I realize the white duct tape under my seat would make a perfect "penile" addition to that picture. After the new uhhh....'limb' was added, Tip #48 became a lot funnier.  
  the avocado dip was long long past edibility festering like some evil science project in the back of the fridge the two stood at the fridge door t opened the lid made a face and said oh god  here p smell this p saw the face and heard the exclamation of foul smell but stuck her nose in the bowl and inhaled deeply dryheaves of disgust t laughed her ass off the sisters have played this game  of eeeww this is gross take a whiff for decades and p has never figured out how to win         
  Ok, I'm playing in my usualy Sunday night pool league.  We're playing a team that is MUCH better than us, who usually kicks our ass.  We are on a fucking roll!  Ahead by 4 games so far.  It's my turn to play, I'm running the table.  Aiming my next shot when I hear "He said it was 10" long and this big around, so we told him to prove it" from someone on the other team.  I stop, turn around and said "What!?!?" everyone laughed.  I blushed, turned back around and missed my shot. All I could think about was that 10" inch penis.  I think that I may have a problem, I wasn't trying to look like a pervert, and yet I did in front of a bunch of old fuckers too.  I'm glad the person whom they were talking about wasn't there, or I wouldn't have been able to keep from staring at his crotch.    
  worst barf episode.  my friend joe was in town - not really my friend anymore, more of a jerk... went to a bar by my house... he kept buying me jack daniels on the rocks - not sure how many i drank... he and john left to go to the summer house or some crappy club like that... I walked home and went to bed.  head was spinning, felt the barf coming -- luckily there was a bag by my bed.  My girlfriend had got me this nice halloween bag full of candy. Next morning the barf and candy had mixed together a little into a smelly oozy glop.  I washed it out and was able to save about half of it. I don't like wasting food.  
  chasing what I thought should be a cat, across a parking lot and ended up cornering a very pissed off skunk.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         An idea from Sorry_e_e  that I happen to like, ad a damn good idea, countme in should I be the one to win.        "so the plan is this  when i hit the lottery   im gonna email all   every last one   of the lowbrowers and   the ones who had the balls enough to list an actual address will be invited to the biggest shindig this side of the guiness book o records   tygr will be the mcee   and everyone   who wants to   will get a tailored zoot suit   whadyathink"    
  My ex invited me over to patch things up.  We get all hot and heavy and then she told me that she was having her period.  That's when i realized that a girl's period is 'Nature's cockblock'  
  One thing we found out on our vacation is that it's pretty hard to find a place that sells K.Y. Jelly in the Bible Belt.  
  My first hit of Ecstasy was at Disneyland.  THAT was the happiest place on earth.  
  A Crazy Lady stopped me on the street the other day.  Homeless, I think.  I'd seen her around there before.  Mumbling to herself all the time, shouting to people who don't exist.  She grabbed me by the arm.  "Are in in league with THEM?" she demanded to know, whispering furtively.  "Who?" was all I could blurt out.  Her eyes flashed at me.  "ALL MANKIND!" she shouted.  I had no answer.  She let me go, like it was a rhetorical question, and scuttled out of sight.  I stood there for a moment, and then went home.  I don't think I am in league with all mankind.  Not at ALL.  I guess she's pretty observant.  Maybe people would take her more seriously if she wasn't SO FUCKING CRAZY.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend had a little too much to drink (and smoke) and his stomach decided to take a look at the outside world. As he vomited repeatadly into the toilet he realised that there had been a guy pissing into it when he started vomiting and he still continued to piss. On his head.  
  Ok god wants the human race to die.  I just came to that realization.  Think about it most of the "serious" catholics and christians dont believe in birth control.  Think of every one in he world having 8-9 kids and think of that 100 years from now.  Therell be trillions of people.  I.E. famine and very little space for homes.  Just something to think about.  
  I courted a cop.  If you know some of my moments here, that doesn't exactly seem like a smart idea.  She was pretty cool, though. One time I was chatting with her in the sports bar, when I noticed my companions heading out the back door, leaving their drinks and coats behind. One of them winked at me as he walked behind her.  "Me: "I'm just going to step out for some fresh air."  She: "OK! I'll join you in a minute!"  Me: "Eh ... oh, I'll be back in a minute."  She, smiling: "OK -- thanks for warning me."  
  This is another one of my work stories...  Just as all teenage girls will probably baby-sit at some point, I think most teenagers in general will probably work at a fast food restaurant.  I am one of those.  It's the lull that comes shortly after the dinner time rush and I'm on the register, and a group of Spanish guys come in.  I'm one of the few non-Hispanics at my work with a fair grasp on Spanish, and though I'm actually Italian, people think I'm Spanish a lot.  So these guys speak very little English.  They gave most of their order to me in Spanish, so I answered them in Spanish.  At one point, several of the guy's go sit down, except for the one who paid.  I'm counting out this guys change, and he says my name.  I loke up, and say "Si?"  And he smiles at me and says "Single?"  And I laugh nervously, hand him his change, and go check on their food.  I'm sorry...but if your life is so sad that you have to hit on teenage McDonald's employees...I pity you, for your life has got to be worse than mine.  Ugh.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bored one day, I went to my mom's while she was at work.  I rearanged the contents of her kitchen cabinetry and drawers.  She thinks dad did it.  Boy is he in trouble when he gets home.       
  I look at porn at my roomie's computer, so I don't get any cum on my keyboard. I nearly shit myself trying to hold in a laugh when he was griping to his girlfriend about how the shift key always gets stuck.  
  Hangin' out with my new friend Joe that I had met at the middle school school I had just started going to.  Joe had, and still has, three dogs that LOVE to hump. As we played football, we heard a passing motorist scream, "oh my god!". we turned around to find all three of Joe's dogs humping in unison in a little doggy train.  We laughed for hours.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once begged a phone sex operator to talk to me, to just say something, because all she was doing was moaning and I could get that from a porno.  That's what I get for going with the cheapest one in the paper.  
  Si I had a $10 and a $20.  I went to Sonic and stuck the $20 (I thought) into the cupholder and held onto the $10 (I thought) to pay the carhop.  She gave me my food which tallied to $4.75, so I told the girl to just give me $4 in change, I pretty fair tip I thought.  She asked me If I was sure I only wanted $4 back.  "Sure..." I cooly replied, "...you're doing this to make money aren't you?" She thanked me very emphatically.  My first thought was "What the fuck? the customers here must be some cheap bastards if she's excited about a $1.25 tip.  My second thought was to check the bill I'd dropped into the cup holder.  I didn't have the heart to say anything...but she'll no doubt never forget her $11.25 tip  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         SO i get this email from a friend i have had for years.  "Don't you know her from Southie Days" was the message and a url. click holy shit if it was sarah, whom, on a serious acidbender i managed to convince to blow me. the only reason i knew it was her was because her right nipple had this cute (and mighty tasty) wrinkle on it and it showed clearly in the picture. the pictures were from an amateur pornsite. damned she looked young and fresh... i guess its time to look her email address up on the whowhere thing and drop her a line...        
  We were driving along a remote & dusty road in the Australian Outback .In the distance we saw a hitchhiker.This extremely good looking girl was in the middle of nowhere. Thinking I might shock my Canadian friend who was a respectable buisiness & family man I pointed out the hitch hiker & said "Lets pick her up.We can fuck her then kill her". After a moments silence in which I thought he was horrified,he calmly turned to me and said,"No lets kill her then fuck her"!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went into my safety deposit box this morning to pick up some important paperwork. In the box I discovered a tooth; a fully mature molar with two long roots.  It's not my tooth. And no one else has access to this box but me. Where the hell did it come from?  Feels like creepy voodoo magic to me...  
  A few years ago I visited Disneyland in LA with some friends, as part of a cross-America coaster tour. It was hot and I had on a striped sun-dress. It was on the short-side, but not indecently so, so I wore a thong underneath. Unfortunately the thong has either shrunk in the wash or else I had put on weight since I bought it, but it was chafing parts of me that I would really rather not have chafed.  After a while I got fed up with this and disappeared to the rest rooms where I removed the offending garment. I was very careful about not bending down and stuff like that. I didn't want anyone catching an eye-full. I am quite shy, really.  Later that day I had my photo taken with Mickey Mouse. In the photo, he has his hand (paw?) half-covering his face, like he's gone all bashful about something.  That bastard knew, didn't he?  
  After taking a dump, do you ever look at it and try to figure out what it is you shit out.  You know what I mean... Oh look there is the corn I had last night.. or hey I forgot I had sesame seeds on my bread.    Yeah neither do I.  
  my roommate keeps telling me to get a job as a bartender, cuz i know all the drinks and so on.  i keep telling her that she would never tell a compulsive overeater/bulemic to get a job as a cook, so what's she trying to do to me?  but i'm still considering the idea....after all, i'd save money on booze........  
  they began to wrestle over the sunglasses in the middle of the parking lot. they were evenly matched- one was taller and skinnier and the other was shorter and more stout. I think I spent the whole time laughing at them. that is, right after I grabbed the sunglasses for myself.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Walking home after a late night out, I round the corner to my house and lock eyes with our neighborhood homeless guy, pissing all over the grill of my neighbor's car.  "Hey baby, I'm just letting my freak flag fly!"  I couldn't argue with that logic, so I stuck a dollar in his back pocket.    
  You shouldn't laugh while you're cleaning puke out of the coat pocket belonging to your best friend's live-in girlfriend.  She doesn't think it is funny, he doesn't think it is funny, and dried vomit doesn't really come out of the inner lining, does it?  
  one night my friends and I were out drinking and we met a cute blonde girl named callie while we were dancing.  she followed us over to another club when we left there, and we boogied for another half hour.  at closing time, I put my number in her little book and kissed her a few times on my way out the door.  a few days later I got a voicemail from her that said "hi, this is callie, we met you at the club the other night, and then went back to your apartment to watch madonna videos - I hope you remember us! david and I are hanging out, and if you wanted to meet up..."  I love drunk girls.  
   Cyber-Stalking 101  We exchanged a few e-mails, then I lost interest. She didn't. After a couple months of daily, unreturned e-mails, it got a little annoying, so I took my civilized Internet gloves off and went after her. Damn! I hadn't realized she was  good!  I couldn't trace her, no way. She was some hotshot hacker -- rare in women. Interesting. Then she broke into my Amazon account, and ordered stuff for herself on my credit card. What the fuck? Was this some desperate cry for help? Didn't she know that Amazon sends me e-mail confirmations of all my orders? Even if she didn't, why did she give them her real name and address? Turns out she lived in Arizona, but I still had the cops waiting for her when she got home :-)  
        Why must the people here use fake email adresses? are they ashamed of that wich they write? Or ae they mearly lacking in the department of self confidence? Personaly, I believe one sould use their real email addres for reasons of rcieving feedback.  However, curretly you can distinguish the real lowbrow people from the wannabe's by their email addrresses.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why do I keep having sex with fat chicks? I mean, I also have sex with skinny women, but for some reason I seem to have MORE sex with fatties. I should pick and choose more. That or stop getting so drunk.  
  as he laid his arms on my back.. his hands formed around my sinuous waist.. he lifted my shirt..kinda tucked it into  my lacy black bra, and dripped the liquid along my back..as it trickled down my spine i got chills..he asked me to put my elbows on my knees,told me if i got light headed to tell him..not to hide it.and then    OUCH    ..my first tattoo.   
  We met a dead possum in the alley, it was as large as a dog. I could tell he needed a bath because there was a tiny plant growing out of his rotten empty eye socket. Since I'm a nice guy I hoisted his sagging carcass onto the end of a brass curtain rod and launched it like a catapult into someone's backyard pool.   
  I read all these Lowbrow moments where people try to act sober or funny when questioned by the cops....  I went to Saudi Arabia years ago on a  work assignment. When I first arrived at the airport, my luggage didn't make it with me, so I went to a large Saudi officer and asked what to do. He motioned for me to follow him into the security office area and led me down the corridor toward his commanders office.  Passing by this one room, I heard loud crying coming from inside. The door was open so I stopped and looked in. Two guys (Pakistanis?) were lying on mattresses with their arms up over their heads handcuffed to the iron headboard. One was jabbering and crying in a pleading voice, while the other was just crying.  The large guard had stopped and looked back at me, then with a big grin he made a motion with his thumb across his throat and said "Hashish!".  They were going to be beheaded for having hashish on them, found while going through customs. There is no appeal in the Kingdom...No mercy. Drug smuggling results in death. It is absolutely certain.  My stomach fell to my feet, and I wondered if it was the same kind of hash that I had swallowed right before our plane landed, the same kind that was really starting to come on strong.  Shit, I could have won the Academy Award for appearing perfectly normal while explaining my situation in broken Arabic, in front of a roomful of heavily armed suspicous Saudi police, with a buzzing fluorescent light sputtering above...    
  Three a.m. and my roommate and I are kneeling in separate stalls of the bathroom on the floor of our dorm.  We're both vomiting profusely, the sick slap of pure liquid sloshing into the bowl as we empty our stomachs.  I notice that my bowl is filled with red, and my roommate must have noticed the same in hers because she starts screaming:  "I'm vomiting blood! Oh Jesus! Oh holy Christ! Oh Jesus! Oh Jesus! My stomach's burst!"  She runs out of the bathroom screaming.  Serves us right for drinking a wine called 'Fat Bastard Merlot'.  
  My friend's lowbrow:  After I sent him the URL to the site, he said, "Why is there a whole website just for one phrase?"  
  Ever stop to think that when Jesus comes back, the LAST thing he'll ever want to see is a fucking cross?  
  I was about twelve walking home from school and seen my uncle's new work truck in front of my house and seen him walking up to my house. Him being my favorite uncle I was very excited. I ran up behind him hugged him hard and gave him a big kiss. When he turned to look at me, I noticed it wasn't my uncle at all.... it was the a window salesman. He smiled big at me and actually ask me if I would like to go out sometime. That sick bastard, I just got my first pubes the year before.  
  My dad didn't think I was old enough to shoot a gun until I was 8. Yes, that's not a typo,  8  years old. After my 8th birthday, he gave me a gun, a safety talk and off to the range we went. Of course at the time the only thing that had little enough kickback for me to use was a .22 rifle, but still. How many kids are shooting honest to god firearms at 8 years old? At the time it seemed like the most normal thing in the world too. I couldn't understand why none of my friends went to a shooting range on the weekends.  I have no doubt that if that sort of thing happened today, in this post-columbine ultra-paranoid society, social services would take me away and have me in counselling for the rest of my life.   Looking back on my childhood I am not at all surprised I ended up how I did. I really ought to thank my dad  
  My parents went to Vermont today, crossing the border down from the great frozen Canada. They brought me back a present. So nice of them. I got underwear. Aren't my folks the greatest? Three pairs of boxers...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When the day comes that I can't smoke, drink and otherwise kill myself, I don't want to live.  
  my favorite thing to do when i'm bored is to sit backwards on a chair for about twenty minutes untill my arms fall asleep, that way when i masturbate, i can pretend that it's somebody else.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I stripped at the Emerald Inn bar for $80 and free beer.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         lookup Avialesookhrana  (don't trust promotional pictures)  these guys are whoa damn hardcore  "No seat belts in Russia!" "Filtered cigarettes, because I care about my health." "Police are garbage." "Vodka is gasoline."  no fire retardant gear, no goretex, no support  and the largest coniferous forest on earth.  I wonder if they will let me join for a while. There is too much soft surrounding and suffocating me.  
  I know I've been performing well beyond the call of duty in the sack when my girlfriend asks me if I'm able to finish faster, as if it takes some sort of special effort to hump as hard as I can and only worry about what I want.  Damn I was happy to hear that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting on the crapper with a God-awful case of your innerds becoming your outterds is bad.  While simultanously barfing into the bathroom sink is even worse.  But having to fish the chunks out of the drain with your fingers in order for the mess to go down really takes the cake.  
  Me and my best friend ended up moving into his grandparents house after they both finally passed away. It was a pretty big house and already had a lot of furniture, including this tan chair. Apparently it had been "grandma's" favorite chair. She had expired in that chair. It had a huge stain caused by her death and loss of bladder/bowel control. That damn chair was freaky. I made my friend take it to a dumpster before I would move in.  
  My girlfriend and I sitting in my car, during the night, in the parking lot of a remote public park, making out.  All of a sudden, headlights shine through the windows.  I look, and there's a car just sitting at the entrance pointing towards us.  License plate says it's not a cop. Five minutes this fucker sits in the same spot, and then a large van came in the parking lot behind him. "Drug deal," she says.  The car and van turned around and left the park.  We decided to fuck with them. I turned on the lights and left the park after them, and followed them down the highway until they came back to the park about five minutes after.  I guess they never noticed me.  I turned into a side-street and faced the exit of the park, with the headlights off.  I was going to follow them after they left just to see what they would do.  Ten minutes later, they were still in the park so I decided to see what was up.  I go in, and do what the first car did.  I just sat there at the entrance, and focused my high beams on the cars.  For five minutes.  I slowly turned around, and crept out of the park, back to my side street.  Right after I left, the car and van bolted out, burning rubber.   I think they mistook me for a cop, considering they couldn't clearly see my car or read my plates because of the brights.  Fun times.  
  He bragged that he needed magnum sized condoms. He took it out. I smiled and shook my head.  he left I hear he's happy with new girlfriend.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i only take showers because i know i will never get laid if i dont take them. but if i am not going out into public, i will often skip a shower. i once went 4 weeks without one, i would have went longer, but the itching was incredibly annoying. i wish it was like the 1700's, where you were accepted even if you smelled like shit.  
  (No drugs, no booze, no nudity in this one.  You might as well just hit reload right now)  My buddy and I were double-dating.  We four decide to walk to the airport, since there was nothing to do in town.  We take a shortcut across our high school playground, which ends with us staring at a new 6' barbed-wire fence.  The girls are wearing miniskirts.  Being the chivalrous pair, my buddy climbs over  and I lift his date over to him, no problem.  My date is next, but we fumble the transfer, and her panties get snagged at the top.  While holding her up, we attempt to free her, but she's the preacher's daughter, so her panties are some preacher-approved bulletproof material.  She must know the material well: "Burn them off! Burn them off!" she screams.  So we did.  
  My boss hires slim, young women, not cuz he' so progressive.  He does this cuz he wants to look at slim, young women.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wish I lived on the east coast. Then this fucking day would be over.   
    When I entered a ski resort bar, there was a woman singing "eye of the tiger" on the karaoke stage. she sang it with great emotions.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Had a buddy in High School who was a bit of a mischief maker.  He was at my house one time and took a crap in our cat's litter box while I was taking a shower and getting ready for a Saturday night.  He showed me his creation before we left.  Sunday.  The log is still there.  I check on it a few times and only see cats mulling around the box, unable to understand.  When Mom comes to clean out the box that night I hear here scream.  "What is it?" I ask sounding concerned.  She can only look at me in some combination of horror, humor and disgust.  "What the hell have you been feeding those cats!" I exclaim.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i like picking my nose, alot, well not as much as your thinking...when i'm alone anyway, so I go to cram it one day, it's one of those you know is gonnna be a bitch to get a hold and i have a hang nail i dont realize i have, so it goes in smnooth in the right directino, but on the first turn the whole nail slices the nostril, try explaining to your room mate how you cut your nose that'll teach  me  
  What does the future hold for our fine nation? Let me just say that it is a competitive world out there and fortunately our universities are preparing us well to meet many possible challenges. For instance, if ever I am called upon at an important busines dinner to teach my firm's foreign customers drinking games, I have it sewn up. Because at college I mastered the art of rolling a quarter off of my nose so that it bounces off the table and into a beer-filled glass. Not to mention what I can do with a ping-pong ball....   
  I SHOVE MY TONGUE RIGHT BETWEEN YOUR CHEEKS  I HAVEN'T MADE LOVE NOW FOR 25 WEEKS  I HEAR THAT YOU'RE SO TIGHT, YOUR LOVIN' SQUEAKS  AND I'M READY SO READY    ...god bless you, Steven Tyler.  
  I masturbated and fell asleep. My alarm came off of snooze or however the fuck you say that it turned back on about five minutes later and I woke up. I stood up in front of the mirror. My hair looked like shit. I raked a hand through my hair, then realized that that was the same hand I had used to block the path of my evacuating jizz. It took forever to get that shit out of my hair  
        I don't know if life would be better if we had sex insted of saying 'Hello', but I do know everybody would smell different.  
  Pissing and walking at the same time while drunk.....  So there I was at the local Club. Pissing my life away at "Buck a Beer Night". I realise that I am running a might bit low on funds. So I decide to walk back to my house to get some more money (I only live a block away). Getting half way to my house, I realise that I have to piss really bad. So I start thinking... is it possible to pee and walk at the same time.  It is. This is not a stunt for amatuers. To correctly piss while walking one must:  1. Move in a strafing type motion. Always move sideways. Never walk backwards, you'll fall and piss on yourself. 2. Make sure you leave your penis flapping in the wind for about 10 seconds more than you normally would. The motion of walking fools your bladder into thinking it's done. This aviods dripping in your pants. 3. Have fun. Remember all those times your mother told you not to play with your penis? Well this is one of those times...  
  Our hostess asked me if I could identify her little acrylic do-dad?  "A cheese knob!", she proudly tells us.  The next time that I want to insult someone, I am going to call him a cheese knob.  
  My friends and I were sophomores in college, with serious boredom issues.  I had to piss.  And we had a few hundred stolen waffle-style ice cream cones, freshly reamed from the cafeteria.  So we pissed into these cones, and froze them (only two); took them from the freezer a few days later and put them in the drawer of a plastic shelving unit at the local Wal-Mart.  (sneaking them in was the most difficult part)  They were there for a few days until they dissappeared.  Oddly enough, they reappeared a few days later.   I feel giddy whenever I think that a child may be storing their toys in it, or an old woman may be using it for her knitting yarn.    
  It's a good night when you go home at 6am from being a waiter at a 24 hour Denny's with a bra in your pocket, a phone number and 75 bucks in tips.  I love my job.  
  I'm too lazy to get up and walk to the bathroom at night, so I piss in a bottle... then I realized how many other lazy bastards there are that do the same thing... that's alot of bottled urine  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          My girlfriend and I broke up after dating for about three years.  After a strenious time period during the breakup, when things are starting to get back together with her, I make her a drawing. (btw I was a senior in college at the time)    The drawing had a picture of a fish and a bunch of sea-type stamps that her roommate helped me with.  The only words on the paper said, "You're the only fish I wanna sea."  Four years and going strong, now if I could only have my balls back please?   
  She said she loved me; that I was her soul mate.  She changed her mind.  I have naked pictures.   Internet,  Naked pictures, internet, naked pictures.  Love you too hon!  
  it was summer, and i was a 15 year old weighing in at about 130 pounds. i drank half a bottle of vodka by myself, and the guys and i smoked about 3 bowls. we were about 2 miles down the beach from my house when it got ugly. my legs gave out on me on a very high set of wooden stairs leading to the beach, and i fell all the way down and wasnt able to get back up. they poured buckets of sea water on me over and over to keep me from passing out, since it was fairly obvious i had alcohol poisoning. after about half an hour, i threw up 3 times all over their dog. he turned orange, and i laughed. i was in that drunken emotional loving haze, and i told them i loved them and that we would never drink again. about a week later, we got absolutely plastered. being young and stupid is the best.  
  i have this habit at lunch of taking a few napkins, but i really only need one.  i figure i'll use the rest the next day, so i save them, but really i just get more the next time.    i swear i've got to have like 400 cheap little napkins all around my room.  i'll use them someday.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend of mine once walked around a mall in a robot suit made of cardboard boxes.  The silver paint and duct tape made it look like something out of a B movie.  I've never seen so many people reject a robot.  
  So I was cruisin the brow as usual when a thought popped into my head. Of all the jobs out there that I'll have to choose from upon graduating college, the one I'd want to be least is a negotiator. You know, the guys the police send in, unarmed, to talk to some armed lunatic who wants a car, and a tinfoil hat so the aliens can't read his mind.  The way I figure, all jobs have their standard procedures. A doctor might have many standard procedures, but you get enough information and you can follow a preset list of steps to rectify whatever problem is at hand. And in most jobs, if you deviaite from those steps by just a little bit, sometimes it's no big deal, sometime's there's problems, but if you do what you're supposed to, to the letter, all goes well.  With negotiators, it doesn't work like that. I stand outside the building with the bullhorn and be like, "Ok Jake, I'm putting my firearm on the ground; I'm not doing any funny business. I'm just gonna come in and talk to you."  You walk in and the guy is sweating bullets huddled in the corner pointing the gun at you. Your procedure says to speak in a soft quiet voice and ask him what he wants.  Only your procedure doesn't take into account that Jake here was fired from his job this morning, his wife left him, his house was reposessed, his son came out of the closet, his daughter told him she's pregnant, and his sister-in-law stole his prized Elvis LP when she stayed over last night.  So Jake points the gun at you and click.. so much for procedure.  Think I'll be going for a desk job.  
  8th grade, I was sitting in Geometry class one day and the girl next to me started getting sick. I knew her and we talked every day in class. Cute girl, that most people dont notice. Anyway she throws up! She made it to the trash can in the classroom, but her jaw locked after she got sick the first time. She just kept on throwing up! When she realized that her mouth was stuck open and the whole class was watching her in horror...she lost it. Fucking freaked out and went crazy!   That was the last I saw of her...       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Doorman at the local bar gave me shit because I don't look much like my I.D. Kept yelling out to the people behind me "how come women always dye their hair and don't change their driver's license?"  Eventually he got bored and I went it. I estimate it will take two, three days to unstop those toilets.   
  I was playing drumset in a band during a beauty pageant. I was trying to "throw out" the brushes by slinging them....and  was paying more attention to the girls in swimsuits than my playing...because the  brush finally came out of the sheath...sailed over the emcee's podium..and hit Miss UCA right on the head.......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She was straight off the boat, and my lab partner at college.  Enormous, soulful brown eyes and yards of hair so black it flashed violet.  She knew nothing about physics, so I happily tutored her in class.  We became friends, and I discovered the soulfulness in her eyes was because her family had escaped from Libya, but not before Idi Amin had her father killed.  She obviously really liked me, so I couldn't understand why she always turned me down when I invited her out.  I put it down to some cultural taboo or something, so I stopped asking.  Months later, she rode into town with me on the bus. She was chatting away, very animated, about today being the anniversary of her dad's death.  "My family always mourns for a year," she said.  I noticed that for the first time, she was not wearing black.  My brain suddenly switched into gear: "Eh, could I invite you out?"  She: "I'd  love  to!"  The lowbrow moment here is not that I'd spent so long wishing for the date that I couldn't relax at all, and was a shy, stumbling fool.  The lowbrow moment is that I found out later she was devastated by my seeming lack of interest...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I need to have far less self pleasuring Having spent so much time single... you kinda get into habits but then you get into a real, serious, and sexual relationship, and you really dont need to as much. But then again, you've been working yoruself for so long... you forget that fact. Thenyour with said girlfriend and you have certain issues because she should up and you'd performed maintenance before she pays a surprise visit for a booty call.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the time i thought  going to the airport wearing a shirt that said 'ladies sewing circle and terrorist society' was a good idea. I dont think the gaurds agreed with me.  
  After a wonderful weekend, I was invited over to my girlfriends' parents house for dinner.  We've been getting a lot closer for a few months now, and I've had to stop myself from saying "I love you" a few times (yes, I'm a typical male.  Suck my cock!)  After meeting the family, this set up the idea in both of our heads that ours may be a fairly permanent arrangement.  In the car afterwards, we're looking all lovey-dovey at each other, saying things like "I really really really like you" and cutesy shit like that.  She looks at me all kinda serious like and says "You're my Tylenol"  "Uhhh, what?"  "I take comfort in your strength."  Did I mention she's the queen of cheesy pick-up lines?  
  One afternoon, working at my Kerr Drugs, a man waddles in who appears to be 80 years old. He walks up and hoarsely asks for condoms, and unable to understand my complicated directions consisting of those horrible "rights" and "lefts", I lead him to the condoms. After walking the 30 ft. to the condoms, I turn around to find that the elderly man is nowhere in sight. Evidently the 80 year old that can still get it up, can't keep up with someone walking.  
  I was a charity Christmas party when the event organizer came up to me to talk about the women he had been chatting up. He said that he 'A' acted more interested than 'B', but he was worried that 'A' had breast implants.  I told him that as far as I was concerned, "Any woman who would mutilate her body in an attempt to be more attractive to men . . . is my kind of woman!"  He high-fives me and walks off. I turn to my brother (standing next to us the whole time) and ask if our host detected any sarcasm in my voice.  "Him? Not a chance."  
     a few months ago, I found a site called the taco bell home page.  it consisted mostly of this girls expierences with marajuana, and fast food, and public transportation.  funny stuff.  I bet that girl would have killer lowbrow moments.     
   At the newstand,  I notice a magazine called Fifty Plus,  for old people.  I realize that, in ten years, I'll be the "fifty",   without the "plus".  I buy a copy of Spin and split.  
     There's a really bad one-liner I sometimes toss out when there's a lull in the conversation: "So anyway, I said to my one-legged wife, I said, 'Peg...'"    I'm at a party where I don't know too many of the people, and there's that aforementioned lull, so I toss out the Peg joke.  Dead silence from everyone.  It turns out that one of the guys there, who is completely beloved by all in attendance, also has an artificial leg.  I slink away into the night, feeling 1/2 an inch tall.  
  The creepiest thing about Woody Allen and Soon-Yi is that when they're in bed, "Who's your daddy?" isn't a rhetorical question.   
  In high school, I came home from hanging out with a friend of mine.  I was just coming home to get an album and go back to his place. I go in the house and notice the TV is on REAL loud.  I walk down the steps fromthe foyer and go right, down the hall.  Just before you turn left down the hall to my room is the door to the TV room. I come to the door and I'm about to tell my dad and step-mother that I'm just here for a second, and when I look in the TV room, to my horror, I see them having sex on the couch.  I freaked out, but just kept on walking to my room without stopping.  They didn't see me, thank God.  I listened for a second and realized they had a porn movie on the TV.   I was scarred.  The last thing a teenager needs to see is his dad and step-mother(of all people) having sex on the couch he sits on while watching TV.  I had to get out of the house WITHOUT going back past that room.   That was the first time I discovered the stealth and efficiancy of going out my bedroom window.    
  You know, they make those condoms for big dicked guys, I think the condoms are called "Magnums".  Well, they also make condoms that I believe state on the box "Bikini style. Smaller for more feeling."  Why not just get rid of the clever phrases and write "Condoms for big dicks" and "Condoms for tiny cocks"?  
  As a birthday present my roommates bought me a dvd collection of the show Homocide. I loved this show dearly when it was on and I was definatly excited to delve back into it.  Well a few days later I was still working my way through the collection when I decided, with people present who were not aware of the situation, that I would stand up and announce that I was off to go enjoy some homocide at my girlfriend's place.  My roommates later told me that they had to calm the fears of our guests that I was in fact off to murder my girlfriend.  
  I just saw this commercial where some mom is chasing her kid around the house, and finally when she catches him, she makes him spit a goldfish out into a cup. Then she says he's gotta stop doing this. I couldn't decide what bothered me more, the fact she just accepted his improv-sushi habits, or the fact she obviously keeps buying more goldfish.   
  My boyfriend says I'm the best girlfriend in the world. I found a movie on TV tonight that involves Angelina Jolie getting naked and having sex with another girl. I called him into the room so he could watch.  
  The Japanese company I worked for put trainees in our department to spy on us. So I would get my friends to call me and say their name was Lawrence Liverlyle. Excuse-me, Steven-San, but a Mister Raw-Rence Rivver-Ryrer is calling on the telephone" , and all the gaijin would be rolling on the floor and hooting with laughter..... Cheap and dirty fun in the house of corporate sin.   
  I didn t plan on sleeping with busboys it was something that just happened like getting pregnant. I didn t really plan that either, but at least there I knew where babies came from, how you got them. I had no idea where all the busboys came from why I wanted them, or why they wanted me.  I was a good-looking young woman although this is in retrospect. At the time I didn t think I was very pretty it is only now that I look at pictures of myself and say, oh baby!  Oh Baby, indeed. Sean was seventeen and I was nineteen a younger man. I don t know what it was that attracted me he was dark and brooding, but funny and sweet. He was still in high school, and I don t suspect that he had had many women maybe a few girls, but no mature women like me.  I can t remember how it happened the first time. I was a waitress at the restaurant inside the Holiday Inn, and he, of course, was a busboy. I do remember ending up at the park in front of his parent s house fucking on the slide my bare ass freezing on the cold metal.  Still another time we broke into a vacant house and did it on the living room floor. I guess I must have been between houses then living with a family friend, and house sitting when I could to make a little extra money and have a little privacy.  His cock was long and skinny and curved. I remember the first time I sucked it giggling because I couldn t stop thinking about how I was peeling a banana. I don t think laughing during a blow-job is good form, but hey, when you are seventeen I am sure you bounce back pretty easily.  We did actually go on a date once to the movies, and then we fucked in my car afterwards. I don t think he had a car. I had a little  79 Toyota Celica the sporty kind with the racing bar. This was 1984 the year of Big Brother but nobody was watching as far as I knew.  Our most memorable encounter, and I believe our last, happened at work in the bathroom of the restaurant. By this time, we could not keep our hands off each other. Everytime I passed him in the dining room I had to stifle the urge to reach out and cop a feel.   In the kitchen, I had to control myself as well checking discreetly to make sure no one was looking as I reached down to fondle his cock through his black polyester pants.  But in the employee bathroom it was a regular smut fest. We would disappear back there every chance we got to grab and grope. He was a great kisser and I remember I always had a rash from the stubble on his chin.  On this particular night, it was dead, and the bartender was feeding me shots of rum in the back bar. I remember catching his gaze, and heading to the bathroom. The changing area was coed, but there were individual bathrooms for men and women.  I headed into the men s room, feeling his hot breath behind me on my neck. The only light coming into the John was from the changing room, and when he closed the door, it became pitch black. I was holding on to the cool porcelain sink, and I could feel him moving slowly behind me, rubbing his hard cock beneath his pants against my ass, grinding into me as he squeezed my breasts and stuck his tongue in my ear.  I felt his hands drop down to my skirt, sliding underneath it and running them over my ass, which was clad tightly in a pair of sheer to the waist pantyhose, with no panties underneath. I felt the fabric tear as he worked a nice size hole in the crotch of my pantyhose. I felt his fingers slip inside me, dipping into my hot juices.  I heard his zipper drop, and felt him pressing against the shiny nylon still covering my ass. I cried out as his cock tore through the hole in my pantyhose and slid into my pussy. I leaned forward, arching my back, trying to get him deeper inside me. His hands returned to my breasts pulling loose the cotton fabric of my shirt and sliding under my bra to squeeze my nipples between his fingers.  My own hand flew to my clit, rubbing it harder and faster as he continued to bury his cock deeper inside me. I could feel him tensing, and he bucked his hips back for one powerful thrust as we both came...shaking and rocking and trying not to moan too loudly.  I lay forward on the sink my shirt open and my breasts lying on the cool porcelain. He pulled his cock out, stuffed it back into his pants, and slipped quietly out the door to check on his tables.  We had a date for later that week but I broke it. It was a long while after that before I had another busboy. He was not the first, the last, or the most memorable but I had to start somewhere, right?   
  back when I dealt drugs, I once started the night off with a bunch of bindles of coke...the next morning I awoke huddling over a shit load of k and crumpled $20 bills with no recollection of how I got it all.   
    Fury440III: what are you doing digi0xFF: playing freecell Fury440III: oh alas, for he is lost to the world digi0xFF: bah Fury440III: we need to get drunk in the near future digi0xFF: i know Fury440III: I'm having a feild day with www.lowbrow.com digi0xFF: i just pulled my glasses into my eye Fury440III: haha Fury440III: dumbass      
  When I met her, 12, she was an angel. Wouldn't even dare to talk to her.  Years later, she happened to be with me in the same college course. Her legs were tight with years of dance classes and her tits were full moon round pieces of perfection.  Some years ago, teenage bride she became. Teenage groom was a stupid spoiled fuck... just the kind she was meant to be with.  Yes. I'm a sore loser. But how great did it feel to know my angel had to take off her breast implants after bearing her first child.  
  When I was a wee little girl-- and I mean real, real young here-- I remember walking in on my father taking a piss... not on purpose, just children understand nothing of privacy, but anyways that's not the point.  I accidentally caught a quick glimpse of his "naughty bits" before he slammed the door closed.  For the next God-knows-how-many-years (but it was a good legnth of time), until I was finally set straight, for some reason I thought that all men had udders between their legs... just like a smaller version of a cow's.  Ah, the folly of youth.  
  While visiting my mom, she invited me to a BBQ with some of her friends at someone else's house. During the evening, they all got tanked, but I didn't drink. One of mom's GOOD LOOKING friends starts hitting on me like crazy in front of her.  Mom knows I'm married. Other woman know's I'm married. Predictable outcome? I think not.  "I'll love you either way" she slurs while gesturing towards one of the open rooms.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com you are my hero.  I wont stop reading lowbrow until I get at least one of your moments. Even if it's one I've seen before, I read and walk away satisfied.  
  If I had a million dollars... I'd buy a pope hat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm not exactly enjoying our neighbours. Sure, I was bad, and threatened to cut off the visiting grandfather's "tiny pecker" if he didn't stop racing up and down the alley with his Oooh-Gaaah horn going, but the cops let me get away with that little slip of etiquette. One morning, I hear them outside in their yard, really loud, screaming at each other. Guy: " I don't want to lose you, you fucking cunt! " Just a bit much to take with my morning cup of tea.  I lean out the window, ready to ask them to pipe down. They're not in their yard. They're inside their house, which is 100 yards away, but I can still hear every last word, and I'll bet their wonderful tiny kids can, too...  
  when I was a kid my friend and i biked down to a beach near our cottage.  later in the afternoon when we went to get our bikes to go home we noticed someone had stashed their "street clothes" in a clump of bushes near where we laid our bikes.  shorts, sneakers, t-shirts and socks.  my friend took the clothes and on the way home stuffed them in a mailbox.  not sure what made me giggle the most - the though of the puzzled look on the mailman's face or some poor fuck walking home wearing nothing but his speedos.  
  I was trying to arrange my jacket over the sixpack of beer that I had just lifted from the office fridge, while walking with a tupperware container of pasta.  I tried to smooth a ruffle with the pasta tub and it fell and vomited its contents onto the ground.  As I kneeled to examine the damage, a well dressed man walking by stopped to look at me, in a suit, kneeling by a six pack, scooping pasta off the floor into my container.  I hope he slipped on the pasta juice grease spot   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Cape Hatteras - Take 1   Sailing down to Florida, we get into a full gale off Cape Hatteras.  At midnight the "all hands on deck" alarm sounds.  I go up into a world that makes no sense -- 20-foot waves, ship rolling 45&deg; each way, crew running around screaming. Pitch black except for the  Hatteras light, illuminating waves breaking on black rocks that are  far  too close and getting closer.  I make a date with the mainmast, hugging it tight. I wish I wasn't such a goddammed Buddist, so that I could have  somebody  to pray to to get me out of here.  I eventually realise that the crew are not actually panicking at all, but are desperately trying to get sail down.  They need to go up and down the mainmast, but they can't pry me off, so they just climb over me, using my head and shoulders as steps.  Then, the engine cuts out...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My boss is short, im over 6", shes probably at or under 5". This is fine, i have no problems talking to her and all, but when i follow her somewhere, i feel like im following an ewok  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.  Yeah right...  It would take forever to get to England in a rowboat.  
   Hudson River Tales Hits Manhattan  Working as we did sometimes off Manhattan, we were told we needed shots for bubonic plague.  It would have been very stylish to drive the boat down and dock there, but we drove a van instead.  After our shots the crew, a bunch of Manhattan rookies, wanted a real taste of "du city." I had just the place in mind - a busy Italian place  famous  for its service.  I shepherd them into a cab, and with them rubbernecking the whole way, into the restaurant.  Waiter comes by with a sheaf of menus and deals them out like a card sharp.  They're in Italian, which stumps the crew no end.  Never mind. Sixty seconds later, the waiter approaches, glancing at his watch. One of the crew points to something on menu and opens his mouth to ask a question.  The waiter, looking like he has somewhere else to go urgently, holds his pad in front of him and says:  " Tawk to me! "   
  OK. Time for a lesson -  Woman - singular Women - plural  
  Pyronecrobeastiality  Wanting to fuck flaming dead animals.  
  we were driving down wornall on a hot day, and we saw a man in a gorilla suit holding up a sign that said "HONK!"   so we honked.   we never did figure out what the hell he was doing.   
  Once my Dad caught me digging in my ass and sniffing my fingers.  He just looked sad and shook his head.  I was 26.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm funny.  I'm smart.  I have a six pack.  I have side burns.  why doesnt she want me?  She's such a silly goose.        
  A friend of mine was making a pot meat sandwhich and asked me if I wanted to try it.  I said no, I didn't like spam.  He said it wasn't spam and even if it was, why didn't I like spam.  I told him semen tastes really really salty and spam was salty so I didn't really like eating it.  He laughed. Another friend in the room asked me how I knew.  I said I'd given a few blowjobs (only three).  This friend then proceeded to say that that was dirty and disgusting. This friend is male.  I nearly pissed myself in amazement at hearing a male say he thought blowjobs were dirty and disgusting.  
  Cock-Talk Wednesday nights My poker nights Every Wednesday I'm the only chick  Amidst 13 guys Inevitably  The conversation gets dirty The sad part is After a day at work Reading lowbrow.com I bring the dirty debauchery  To new levels of lowness No guilty feelings Extorting money From high, drunk and horny men  My life is good  
  I had this goat-roper roomate in the dorms. He once asked me if I knew what the space between a woman's pussy and asshole was called? I replied that I didn't know. He said it was called "'taint". " 'taint pussy, and 'taint asshole." I thought that was really fucking funny. Several months later I found out it actually had a name, "perinium".  Man, he used to get the best weed.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One Day, while riding with my best friend and another friend, a Suburban full of cute guys pulled up next to us. Their license plate was from Michigan.They proceeded to tell us how much they liked us and how great we looked. We smiled back at them and giggled a little.  They sped up a little, just past us, and apparently this is when they devised their little plan. After a minute or two, they slowed up a little to get even with our car. The back passenger side window rolled down to reveal someone's naked buttocks! Then  rolled back up. I guess the 'flasher' didn't want his face to be revealed. We laughed about it, they all waved as we turned at different intersections, and we waved back. We were going to meet our boss at a condominium building on the beach. We went, met with her, then we were leaving. As we're driving through the parking lot, I said, " Wouldn't it be funny if those guys were staying  in one of these condos?" When what to our wandering eyes did appear........but a Suburban full of guys unloading their gear.  Nicole honked the horn, and we smiled and waved, as did they. All except one, he hid his face, I'm guessing he was the 'mooner'. Nicole and I were to report back there for work the next day, but, alas, we did not see our adoring fans.  
  ok...You are 18, with a few friends, you are all drunk, and walking to a party.  What do you do if 3 cop cars come by and ask to talk to you for a minute?  Well, what you DONT do, is yell "RUN!" turn, and smash straight into a tree, fall down, turn in the opposite direction, and run straight into the hood of the cop car.  oops.  
  so im distilling down some X this morning, looking to see which pills were worth keeping, and which ones i would rather not take, when my RA walks in, looks at what im doing and says:  "i didn't know you were into chemistry.  we have several labs across campus for these kinds of things."  god bless the english majors of the world for not remembering what my major is.   xK  
  About two years ago I had surgery on the side of my throat and it wasn't to major but enough that it wouldn't stop bleeding so not only did i end up having 11 staples in the side of my throat i had about two feet of plastic tubing in the side of my neck for a while. It finaly stopped bleeding but  there was still fluid so they wanted to leave it in. So one day i was with my friends smoking some weed and one of them asks me to unwrap the gauze so they can look at the plastic tube. Only being a few days after the surgery i was giddy as it was and on the great bud i was flying pretty high. So a thought occurs to me. Make a bong out of the tube in my throat. It didn't work it was really flimsy plastic tubing and started to melt and besides it didn't go into my throat just into my neck near my throat soo no matter how long i sat there with a plugged nose and closed mouth inhaling would do nothing. Drugs arent bad . . the ideas you get when doing them are not always great however.  
  Sports bar, early. Only three customers. But one of them is my favourite flirtatious barmaid, 'cept she's dressed like no barmaid I've ever seen. Even just sitting next to me, I can tell she has exactly three pieces of clothing on: a tight dress and two shoes. I don't stand a chance, but I like her anyway, so we talk. Me: "You working tonight? In that thing? Not enough tips, or what?" She laughs: "No." She points to the bartender: "That's my boyfriend." I give him a glance: "I could take him, feh shuah." She: "Right now, he'd probably give you money to take me off his hands." We laugh, and I sit and do nothing, as usual...  
  so i added DellDudeSteven to my AIM list. He's a bot. I insulted the bastard for more than an hour. Christ, i need to go to class more often  
    I cannot believe the 400 lb lady who insists that she is 400 lbs because her mom was  German or cuz she has big bones.   She says this while she is eating a triple cheese burger with bacon and 5 tablespoons of mayo, xtra large fries (= to 3 orders of fries) and a 64oz cola.  Oh and she's having an extra large bannana split for dessert.        
  Sometimes he'll wait to go down on me, until after sex, because he doesn't want me to just roll over and go to sleep, like usual.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I apply for an internal transfer to a better position.   I don't get the job as I am told the person they hired has more experience.   Then two days later that guy comes around and asks me how to do his new job as he has never used the software and was told I "Was the guy who knew it inside out".   I think I was justified in telling him to go fuck himself.     
  After a long night of drinking games, I challenge the guy next to me to a chugging contest.  He accepts.  As we procede to engage in the pre-game banter, and the guy to my other side drops the aluminum tab from his beer into my cup.  I see it, but I'm too drunk to notice.  We have our contest, and the other guy beats me (he had less beer in his cup anyway).  At this point, I realize that all eyes are on me.  One guy across the table  says, "Dude, where did the beer tab go?" To which I reply, "What beer tab?"  Sure enough, the beer tab is no longer in my cup.  I spent the next hour trying to puke that hunk of metal up, to no avail.  Upon returning to my seat, my rival tells me, "I may have won the battle, but you won the war."  I was never so scared to take a shit as I was the next morning.  I never did see it.  I have to assume that I've passed it, as that was a year ago.  It is unfortunate, because I wanted to keep that tab.  
  Feeling old can be induced by something as trivial as the muzak in the grocery playing a very castrated version of Nine Inch Nails. I'm sorry, but an orchestral "Closer" does not put me in a shopping mood. However, singing the lyrics while edging past the staid hausfraus, that kinda makes up for it a little. Fuck you like an animal indeed.  
  I wish I had a quality eraser.  Something belt fed, rotary barrels, 7.62 maybe, low recoil, good balance, won't overheat...        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work in a supermarket, in its way rather normal, but the people you meet, incredible, so stupid.  example 1. You can't miss bananas (big, yellow, etc)  Old lady standing right next to them "where are the bananas"?  example 2. Another old lady pointing at the cucumbers "that are really strange bananas"  that's the first time in my life that I reall wanted to kill someone.  
  My brother does a massive halloween display every year so does the guy across the street.Needless to say tons of kids show up.  We always put this massive smoke machine in the front yard. Whats cool is that it has a remote control, which I have at all times.  The front yard this particular year had headstones in it. The smoke machine was right near them.   So this little girl who was about 6 years old dressed like a little princes crossed the boundry we had set up to keep people from knocking things over.  Right as she was leaning in to look at the headstone I pressed the smoke machine button. The machine lets out a wicked hiss. She smashed her face right into the headstone and took off crying.She droped her bag of candy.  I taught her a powerfull leason abouts crossing boundries that night, plus she had a lot of peanut butter cups in her bag which I ate later that night.  
  Been thinking about size a lot lately, and I remembered a guy I'd known who was... endowed is too weak a word. The guy was hung, I mean almost freakishly huge. And from a whispered account from an exgirlfriend, he amazingly DID know how to use it.  All things must balance, however, and he was as dumb as toast, with the most horrendous taste in women, as he chased mostly strung-out-on-crystal skanks. And when he'd find out they weren't interested, he'd mope for days like a kid denied his tricycle.  Glen, hope it's still a nice dangle, you dimwit.  
  Why is it that whenever I hear the song "Tangerine Speedo" I picture Bill Clinton in orange man-panties?  
  When I first moved out, I got all this old china from relatives..spoons..forks..etc but i found that i used paper plates more After a month i discovered something great paper towels are one of the world's greatest inventions plate, napkin, placemat, and sponge in one!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've shit myself a time or two, also.  Felt a rumbler of a fart coming on at work one night and lifted a leg to get better resonance. oooops... a bit wet.  Waddled to the john to check things out. Sure enough, I'd stained the back seat up pretty good. I'm sitting there on the pot wondering how to take care of the problem. I ended up cutting my  underwear off with my pocket knife and flushing them.   
  quote from a discussion between an LAPD officer and a Korean store owner defending his property during the LA riots:  "Oh and make sure to wear black, It makes you a harder target to hit."     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         They wrote:  "i'm intelligent. i'm clever. i'm funny. i'm compassionate, though not senselessly or sentimentally so. i probably share some of your interests. i am educated. with luck, i will make a lasting contribution to the welfare of livingkind.   do you want me? no, you want someone whos ass looks good in a pair of tight jeans. "  My moment? Thinking, "Me too, and my ass looks _great_ in a tight pair of jeans."  Judging myself by the standards of lowbrow...  
  Sometime in high school, I was hanging out with my friend Justin.  He poured himself a bowl of Oreo O's and sat down at the table with me.  I made some remark about how gross they were, and he stood up. I watched in morbid fascination as he added hot dog bits, cooking oil, lard, four packets of teriyaki sauce, a dollup of tabasco sauce, some cayenne pepper, and more milk, stirred it up, and showed it to me. "That's nasty!"  I remarked. He ate all of it. Apparently, he does this a lot.  
  One night I brought a strange girl home from a club, but I didn't want to entertain her in my room since it was such a mess. Instead, we got down on the futon in the living room. We were engaged in the act and she was really excited, when I start feeling something warm and wet on my thighs and stomach. "What's that?" I asked. "Female ejaculation," she informed me. Needless to say, she pissed all over the futon, TWICE. My roommates, two immaculately clean gay guys, were livid.  
  I am a large fan of the lowbrow nation. I also work in several computer labs, lowbrow passes the time. In appreciation of all that lowbrow has done for me I am printing off selected lowbrows with a large black READ ME  on the top and I just leave them at the printer. I started this quest about 10 min ago. 3 people have walked up to the printer  grabbed their papers    about to walk off  "(oh wait what is that)" read the lowbrow moment  and snicker. I have either killed and angel or done the would a great deed!   -pod  
  it was easter, my sophomore year in high school.  my catholic family went to church while my atheist ass stayed in bed to sleep for  an extra hour before being dragged to the torture chamber that was my aunt's house.    suddenly, an idea enters my sleepy brain from nowhere.  i get out of bed, go out to the yard, and smoke a bowl.  ahhh.    back inside, i shower and dress pretty for the coming party.  my mom is pleasantly surprised at not having to fight with me to wear a dress to a family party.    at my aunt's, i eat a heaping plate of ham and then take a nap on the couch.    
  I little trend report for you I've noticed in the past few years:  Free porn sites for some reason, en masse, seem to go hugely anal and hardcore in the depths of winter and twilight of summer - but are predominately lesbian, teen and cumshot in spring and just before autumn ends in december.  What a whirrled.  
  As I looked over the lake, I realized how silent it was. There was no sound but the paddling of geese and the hum of a distant power plant; I was alone. There was nobody around for miles. I scratched my ass.  
  i turned my wife onto this site and she was amazed i spent so much time reading this stuff as she calls it she reads one i wrote about an old girlfriend and knew it was sarah  she asked if the one about a cold wife bitch was something i wrote under a pseudonym about her         
  I had a laser hair removal treatment today on my upper lip.    Later I stopped at 7/11 and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's  I ate the whole thing sitting at my computer.  Now I feel a little bloated.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My grandmother got a used rubber stuck to her shoe.  
  Once when I was a kid we were going past a gas station on a highway and a guy in the parking lot projectile vomited. The puke must have arched about 10 feet (no fooling).  I said "WOW". My parents asked what I saw. Knowing it had to be seen to be believed I replied, "Nothing".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when my daughter was about 7 she waited for the bus...the bus came along the road and this chipmunk ran across...the tire hit the chipmunk and it got stuck to it...it went round and round...when my daughter got home she told me all about it and how upset she was because "it was like the chipmunk was on a really bad ferris wheel ride...."  
  My friend once got busted in the supermarket for taking one of those little Tootsie Rolls from a candy display.  It costs .02 cents.  They hauled her into the back and scared the shit out of her, made her pay a huge fine, and told her never to come back.  Who'd have thought supermarkets had an SS?     
   Be Careful What You Ask For  Guy is sitting in a bar, talking to a pretty woman. She: "You look kinda sad." He: "Yeah, my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky." She: "Really! My husband just left me too! For the same reason!" So obviously, they get sweet, and he gets invited back to her place. She: "Just relax. I'm going to get into something less comfortable." She goes into the bedroom and puts on leather split-crotch panties, thigh-high boots, leather bra with cutouts for the nipples, dog collar... She hoists her whip and goes back into the livingroom. He's putting his coat on. She: "Hey! I thought we were going to get kinky?" He: "We just did. I fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm outa here..."  
  I hop on the subway @ around 12:30 there she is the woman i want 2 marry she had a tight ass lovley brown eyes & a face 2 match she was the most wonderful thing i had seen she looked like she was about 20 i thought a lady like her w/ a 23 year old man like me then i see my father come and give the wettist kiss i had ever seen then he told me this was my new mom. I was like yess   
  Yeah, I fucked them. Sad to say, yes, I did it voluntarily. But I try to write it off to elevating my karma. Pity fucks, you know?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         every morning before school i pray for bomb threats.        
  This one time my friend decided to come to China with me.    After we got off the plane, hungry as hell we were.  Walking down the strett, there were these streetside vendors selling food that smells great.    Being the only person who can read the menu and speak Chinese, I told my friend we ordered chicken.    As soon as the food came, he ate them like a nymph to a punani.    After we finished, I told him we just had hamster.    He pukked his head off for the longest time.  I love second languages.     
  I wake up the next morning, she's wrapped up in my arms, naked.  I am still "somewhat" clothed.  We cuddle for awhile until she needs to go to the bathroom.  However, she wants to put her clothes back on so as not to walk around my apt. naked. (Like I hadn't already seen anyway?) At this point in time she gets a confused look on her face.  It took us 20 minutes to find her pants.   I think this is still the oddest morning after story in my repetoir.  
  One of life's myths:  Wearing a split skirt and no knickers to the office will get you promoted by the boss.  No, it will simply cause the men to walk past your desk on unneccessary errands and cause the women to call you "whodoesthatslutthinksheis".  
  My ex and I used to play one of those "Adult" card games. Except, they usually went too fast for our taste. So when the really explicit cards came up, the rules we added were "take a drink or do a line" instead. Man, that was great sex. Nothing like fucking on speed. I wish my wife would play those games with me that way...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't really remember the argument, mostly because we were only about 6 at the time. But i recall it was taking place in my parents room. My brother didn't want me to be following him around at that moment, for whatever reason, and so he started to walk away. I did the logical thing: I latched onto his leg like a pitbull. He dragged me about 5', but, on that 5th foot, (this isn't the lowbrow bit)he dragged me into our parents dresser, head first. Now this dresser was nice, and in fact they still have it, but, the corners on that fucker were a bit sharp for little kids. I wish to God i knew why i didn't let go, but, at least i had the sense to keep my eyes directed away from that sharp edge. Of course, i needed about 18 stitches to put my head back together...but.... The lowbrow bit... I was really upset that i had bled all over my favorite shirt. It was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  
  So I went out with another cheap asshole. Girls why do we even put ourselves through this bullshit! Mr. X  picks me up right after work to go to a movie and of course a girl needs to eat. Starved for food I ask well do you want to grab something to eat? Being the daft prick that he was only thinking of himself when he said "well I had a protein shake." For one the ass had movie passes so he didn't have to pay for THAT. We grab a drink ONE DRINK, and he orders this eggroll appetizer. Do you want your own order? Being that there are only TWO I think I can handle it! He acted like we were going to get something else and he was like ready to go! That asshole spent all of 12.50... Shit I am surprised he charge me for gas for christ sakes!!!  
  Have you ever felt so alone that you thought you would not see another human for at least a couple of years? I felt like that a few days ago and then I ran into the back of some guy's pickup doing 30mph...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went on depo provera (sp), that shot you get every 3 months for birth control. That wasn't why I was on it, but at any rate.....  I gained 10 lbs and it killed my sex drive. I've since gone off of it, and the drive is back with a vengeance. That's how it REALLY works...  But anyway. The funny thing is that I was talking about it with my best friend and I couldn't remember the fricking name of the stuff, so I called it Deepak Chopra.   She snorted beer out of her nose.     
  I was 8 or 9 years old when I decided I wanted to be a mailman.  Mrs. Vanlandingham lived next door then.  She, at the time, was about 756 years old.  A church-going old broad she was.  Anywho, Mrs. Vanlandingham had apparently been down to the Sears photo-mat to get some pictures of her self taken-presumably to be some grotesque Christmas gift for her grandchildren.  At any rate, I walked up to her house, checked her mailbox, and sure enough, there was mail in there....including Mrs. V's photos.  In my secret hiding spot under our porch I opened the packages, letting the papers and pictures fly wherever.  I didn't care - shit, I was a mailman.  After going through every piece of mail possible, I left the mail business behind....literally.  My secret was safe...until a strong wind blew pictures of Mrs. Vanlandingham's wrinkled ass out from under the porch.  I decided then and there that being a mailman fuckin' sucks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i want an @lowbrow.com email address... so i can post and pretend i'm part of the management.  or maybe i want a drink   
  As most office picnics are wont to do, it became a drunken mess by the time the sun set. Guys were off playing mock-football while the women gathered in little huddles to trade tragedies. I'll see your hysterectomy and raise you a retarded second child... you know. One woman went off on a long explanation of why she wasn't in a "committed" relationship, something about being sexually abused by her father at an early age.  "Excuse or fond memory?" I muttered to the woman next to me, just as a silence fell over us all.  Muttering is never nearly as clandestine as you hope.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My roommate comes home the other night all freaked out because she saw some guy jerking off in the bushes as she walked past.  All I could think was, why does she get to see all the penises?  
  Best Halloween ever: Take 2L soda bottle, fill with boiling water and dry ice.  Quickly deposit behind an unsuspecting crowd of drunk loudmouths and their slutty girlfriends.  Run like hell from the ensuing explosion.  Laugh maniacally as they scream and run.  Repeat around town until dry ice runs out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Did you ever remember any of your high school teachers looking grumpy Friday morning? Did they ever snap at you for what seemed like no reason?  Did you ever think, "I can't talk to him in the morning, he's kinda rude"?  Did you ever think that I might be fucking hungover you worthless pathetic little shit?  Fuck you and all your dumbass questions.  You are retarded and your mother should have swallowed.  You should still be a hard spot on the dog's fur not a pain in my ass that I have to deal with every God Damn Day of my life.  I fucking hate my job and my life.  I wish capital punishment was legal still.  At least after kicking somebody's ass I'd feel better.  Fuck kids and their morning cheerfulness. Bitches.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Chris looked at Meggan and said, "I caught your boyfriend with his finger halfway up his nose."   She just blinked at him and said, "I can stick my finger up farther. Wanna see?"   
  So i'm in the bahamas around 12 years old, on my grandparents boat: me, my cousin and my grandparents. it's about 3 in the afternoon and they're passed out in the front of the boat, and i've got the most raging hardon ever. so i decide to go jackoff, but the only lube i could find was a bottle of shampoo. NEVER jackoff with shampoo. after about 5 minutes it started stinging, but i eventually blew my load. about an hour later my cousin asked if i wanted to go spearfishing so i said ok.  penis rubbed raw + saltwater = PAIN.   i had to sit in the dinghy the whole trip. i couldnt tell him why i wasnt able to get in the water anymore.  
  Sushi in the morning after a long night of drinking, not remembering shit and having a huge hang over in the morning, really tests the boundries of your stomach  
  as some of my friends do, i much prefer the word "cock" to "dick" when refering to the penis.  but, unlike most of my friends, i also prefer the word "cunt."  the problem arises in that "dick" and "cunt" are both insults. i've never heard someone insult a guy by calling him a "cockhead."  
  I am having a particularly difficult pregnancy, in which I am always sore, and sex just hurts me. I never feel physically good. My husband complains that we never have sex, and gets moody when we don't. He says he could never feel so bad as to not want to. So the other night after seeing him in a crappy mood and complaining about it, I asked if he would lighten up and be nice to me if we had sex. His reply was "I have the Flu. I don't feel good. I don't want to." Now he knows how I feel.  
  Telemarketer Preventer:  A Telemarketer calls.   Engage him/her for a few minutes of pithy interest.   Then hold the reciever away from you and point one of those self contained Marine Warning Horns into the reciever and press the button.   Really blast the fucker.  After the report, put the reciever to your ear and listen closely for the response. My personal studies have shown that it is 100% instantly effective. Your name will be removed from the List.   You have now embarked on a successful campaign to eliminate these pesky salespeople.  It really works.  You're welcome.   
  Would you like sausages or sauce with that, sir?  True story.  
  My left nipple is pierced.  It is therefore slightly bigger than my right nipple.  I am reminded of a hermit crab.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm riding the bus through a not so nice part of LA from my boyfriend's house. I spot a very frazzled, homeless lookin black lady with giant pendulous boobies pointing at the bus and jumping up and down. She looks scared, I think she was just crazy.  Anyway, she gets on the bus and about five seconds later the bus driver says "Ma'am, I didn't get your transfer."   In response, she lifts up her shirt and flashes the bus driver.  He is silent.   Finally he says "Please put those away ma'am."  I'm going to have to remember that the next time I don't have fare.   
  i went out drinking on new years, 4 hours of shots and beer, i woke up the next day feeling fine, if a little hungry, i ate a large fry from carls junior, 30 minutes later, i puked up about 48 ounches of jellied french fry mixed with rasberry iced tea.. all i could think about was how cool it looked for vomit to be shooting out my nose, and i wished i had a camera.  shaman  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes when I can't sleep memories torment me.   The latest kick: Bad Dates  First date I was asked to meet the parents. Before we left her parents insisted we join hands, bow our heads in prayer. They asked me to lead.   "Uh.", I was scrambling. This is a test for sure. I can't fuck this up. This chick is the easiest fuck in the county. Think dammit! THINK! "Uh, thank you for this date, um, for the  opportunity for this date with Melissa."  I glance up at her parents and they're both looking at me, blankly.  "Um...", better lay it on thick. "help us to have a safe date and get home on time...", and now for the big finish. "and to resist temptation...Amen." After we left Melissa, my date, wouldn't touch me. I asked her why.  "Because you prayed for us to resist temptation. I don't feel right giving in..." I didn't even get to first base that night so I drove her home. Two weeks later my friend Tim fucked her behind the library after a football game.  Did you have to pray? I asked him. "No." he said. "We all joined hands and shit, but I told them I wasn't good at leading a prayer."  Why the hell didn't I think of that?      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wonder how many  really  ugly people read this site.  
  When I was a kid I would always go to the playground, sit on top of the merry-go-round, and watch the white trash family next to the playground beath the Hell out of each other.  That lady had a mean purse swing, I can tell you that.  
  i had sex on the hood of a car parked in a driveway at 2 am. i got off just fine.  
  I knew this cat that had his dick pierced and bragged about it all the time. He even had the piercing video taped.  He told me when he would take a piss he'd pinch the end of his dick and piss would squirt out of the side hole on whoever was standing next to him.   
  An American In Edinburgh #2  I had the perfect summer job, installing  son et lumiere  lights around Edinburgh Castle. One day we were shovelling a truckload of sand into the (dry) moat, to use as rock-free bedding for the cables we were burying.  Two archetypical American tourists come up to us.  I swear one of them had glasses with rhinestone wings on them:  "Ohmygosh! Are you filling in the moat?"  The wee Glasgow bauchle I was working with looked up, said:  "Naw, hen - we're building a sandpit for the bairns."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had my ex over for a little nostalgia sex last weekend.  half-asleep, I muttered "I've missed you".  he just said "hmmmmm" noncommittally and rolled over.  I remembered then why I broke up with him.    
  I once told my Spanish teacher that 'I like to start fires' as part of a mock job interview. In Spanish. As a joke. The bitch reported me to the guidance office. No one was sorry to see her go at the end of the year. She really was a bitch  
  When I was younger I liked playing around in houses under construction.  Now twenty years later I can point to the biggest mansion on the hill and tell people I peed on the kitchen wall.   
  Two friends and myself were sitting around a table at the local ice cream shop and outside we saw this guy throw a double handfull of pennies up into the air, sending bits of copper all over the street. (to his credit he did wait until there were no cars) Then he just walked away.  About 5 minutes later, this lady with 2 full shopping bags and a overstuffed purse walks by and sees the pennies all over the street. She spends the next 20 minutes picking up these pennies off the sidewalk and street, obstructing traffic when she isn't paying enough attention to the light.   As we were leaving the shop, my friend tosses a quarter into the middle of the street and I say really loudly, 'Hey, look at that! A quarter!' I don't know if she picked it up or not, but she had to of heard us  
  Ever get the feeling that youre not alive? that youre not really here? youre stuck in automatic?  I do.  I have to look at my hands and snap back to reality, to realise that this is me, I am here, this is my world and I am in control of how I can react to it, this is my life and I am alive.  I have the need to feel, to be able to feel something, anything, to keep me from the "automatic" stages. So I think about whether or not it would hurt if I hurl myself out of my car at 100km/h, and seriously consider doing it, just to be able to feel it, to know that it hurts, so that I can have the experience to know that yes, its true, it does hurt, and all those stories that people tell you about being hurt by falling out of cars at high speeds is true.  It does hurt.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my plane landed at the salt lake city airport.  inside the airport,  people were glued to the tv screens.  "what happened?", i asked.  "lady di crashed in a tunnel in paris", an older woman answered.  "oh", i said and bought myself a coke.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It had been awhile since I had gotten head, and when I say awhile, I mean a long ass time!  Of course, this was the night.  She was all ready to go down and was teasing me by kissing my stomach.  Well this was too much for me to handle and I started laughing uncontrollably from being tickled.  She stopped and then tried again...unsuccessfully!  too damn ticklish.  Third attempt...NOPE!  She then rolled over and said, "I give up!"  FUCK!  I wish I was 100% dick and no stomach...screw that teasing shit!  I suck!  
  ok ok ill tell you why you asshole said she  across the room his ears pricked up like those of a 9 year old dog when someone says get the stick boy hes certainly not a puppy anymore and he sure as hell isnt running after no damn stick but those fucking hardwiredbrainwaves he had to know what she said to him all he got was her whisperedshouts that dont travel well in a crowd of 3am bar patrons         
   While working at the local Sports Authority, I was pulled out of the break room because my department was busy.  So, freshly taken off break, wearing my Red Shirt and Name Tag, I walked to the counter with the fishing stuff, unlocked the door to behind the counter with the keys,  walked up to the rather impatient customer who then proceded to ask me "Do you work here".   Of course I had to say "Nope, SORRY!"   You should have heard the shit that guy said as he walked out!   
  I was on a tourbus in Puerto Rico when I had to take a nice fat dump.  We stopped at a little beach for ten minutes, and I ran about five blocks until I found a Subway restaurant that I figured had a commode.  Pay toilets!  I didn't have a dime.   The mens room door was solidly locked, but I managed to push the women's door until it gave way and I dropped about ten pounds in the next eight seconds.   I ran the whole way back to the unconditioned bus and the driver was outside.  He was nice enough to wait, but when we boarded he shouted to the other tourists, "If you got to go, you got to go!"  Complete strangers had a good laugh at my expense, and the only open seat was at the very back of the bus.  
  When strange noises would come floating out of the vacant house across the street, noises that sounded frighteningly like TVs or washing machines, us neighborhood kids became quite convinced the place was haunted.  We didn't know the term "squatter".  
  not once, but twice i have been court-ordered to issue apologies to crossing guards for irresponsible use of toy guns.  
   I sat there in front of my computer trying to remember what it was I had intended to do. And then I remembered, I wanted to turn it off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  You've just got a porno back from your friend. You put it in your VCR, and press play. It's right on the cum shot, and you know exactly what your friend was watching and thinking of when he blew his nut.  Then you wonder if he washed his hands before he took the porno out the VCR, but you know he didn't.  
  My friends and I have a tradition of breaking into outdoor public swimming pools every summer.  Last week we visited our favorite pool one night, only to find it already occupied by two teenage guys.  We greeted our fellow swimmers jovially, climbed the fence and started to swim.  They barely said a word, and just sat in the shallow end for about 1.5 hours.  Kay commented that they were visibly shivering.  Eventually, they left the pool, completely naked, and we all felt shitty for crashing someone's romantic evening.  Then we laughed our asses off.  
  I have a friend who goes down to Mexico. He's kind of a rich-ish tech guy.  And he's telling me this story. He says when goes down there that he brings big bags of pennies with him. Then he ventures to the poor part of some small village where there's loadsa kids. When enough kids that come around, he says he starts throwing the pennies into the air and the little urchins are falling over themselves and pushing each other hitting each other frantically trying to collect the little copper coins. And he's whooping with laughter as he tells me this, obviously thinking I should find this hilarious as well. I think I was supposed to laugh, but I didn't.     
   My car broke down just outside of Pocahontas, and a few minutes later a family pulled up in a large white car.  The father, in a cowboy hat, and his son, with Jesus on his belt buckle, asked me what was wrong.  I started muttering something about the car being old and maybe the gage doeesn't work and it just slowed down and surged and stopped.  He was my route to salvation, and all of a sudden I was scared.  I thought about them being part of a Jesus cult and trying to kidmap me, only I'm not a kid anymore, so I'm not sure why I was thinking that.  My car broke down.  These people were offering me help; a ride to the station, where they were going to pick up their car.  It seemed too coincidental and then I forgot that life's just like that sometimes.  And all the way here I was admiring the red white and blue flags, thinking about America and what those colors and stars and stripes are for.  The father was like Saint Jude, or Saint Christopher or (forgive me I'm not Catholic) an angel or something.  He told me to say these words:  "Jesus loves me.  God bless my life."  and then he and his son got back in their car and drove to the service station, where they told the mechanic about me and sent him back to pick me up in his truck.  This I found out after getting a ride from a policeman to the Powhattan Motel-Restaurant, with newly finished floors, for whatever it's worth.   Anyway it turns out, I was just out of gas.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  It's okay to still have  your Christmas lights up in March; the sad thing is  when people continue turning them on.  
  one of our cafeteria workers plays the washboard (u know, one of the old inventions used to wash clothes) hence, a board used to wash clothes. he plays it with a fork or spoon or some utensil and is really proud of his talent. the school paper did a writeup on his talent stating that he is one of 313 current washboard players in America. he admits that his future goals consist of playing 2 washboards at the same time   
  I sat down one night and figured out where everyone I have had sex with is from. I grew up outside of Philly. Two of them were born at the same Air Force Base in CA. Two others were from CA, as well.  The best one was from SC; one was culturally Creole, and one was from Illinois.  Rather weird, I've never banged a Yankee. I can honestly say, though, California boys eat the best pussy.  ~puck~  
  POP-UP Window:  IS THERE PORNOGRAPHY ON YOUR COMPUTER??  Well duh.  
  Jesus was Jewish, and born near Israel.  That means NOBODY in the Bible before the New Testament was blonde.  And, absolutely NOBODY of religious signifigance was white.  So, why is Jesus painted most often as a fair-skinned, light-haired, blue-eyed man?  And why do Philippinos have a fat Philippino as Santa Claus, even though he's Swedish in origin?  Religion...forget organization.  God's up there, and he's laughing his ass off at us while we figure it out.  Quit aruging over lines and boundries, and go give the god damn beggar on the corner a sandwich.  I'll be leaving now.  
  I was picking up speed at an alarming rate, as I prepared to take off in my ultralight in the little hayfield. As the wheels began to get light, the wind started skidding me towards my Jeep.  Oh holy shit! No... It's not even paid for yet!!  I ended up clearing the hood and the windshield by inches, and heaved a sigh of relief at having missed my Jeep, but also not shitting my pants.  
  They probably hadn't been in the country long.  Their clothes were mismatched and ill-fitting; he wore a tuxedo jacket, she a windbreaker.  They walked hand in hand down the aisle in Mervyns, gawking at the merchandise and then smiling shyly at each other.  Clearly there hadn't been anything like this whence they came.  But they walked together under the flourescent lights, through the x-mas muzac and the mountains of merchandise-- and they were in love.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lowbrow is when your out of toilet paper so you wipe you ass with the crumpled wads of it in the trash - the one you blew your nose in an hour ago.  Not low enough?  Then those of your roomates.  Or the bloody ones of your friends mom.  You just tuck the blood and boogers out of the way.  No one is the wiser.  
  I wish I could have been there the morning my friend and his family awoke to an outhouse sitting on the porch in front of their house.  Standing in a carwash at two in the morning, cleaning all the piss and shit out of the bed of a mustard yellow, early 70's, Ford F150 pick-up was a small price to pay.  
  Her: My sister's husband wasn't circumcized, so before she'd marry him she made him get it snipped off.  Me:  did she let you get a look?  Her: She let me keep the foreskin.  It's in a jar next to my bed.  
  "I just started to get into the 'X-Files' recently," I said.  "I'm surprised it took you this long. You seem like just the type to enjoy that heady, conspiracy-theory stuff," said my friend. "What finally snared you?"  "Gillian Anderson has one healthy rack," I responded.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once dated the assistant manager of a movie theatre.  One time, we waited till the theatre closed and spent the night locked in his office.  After jerking each other off and me blowing my load all over him, I went to take a piss in the men's room and he ran to the concession stand to clean the jizz off his body.  Suddenly I hear a door close.  The keys to the office, along with all of our clothes, were now locked in the office.  We were locked out, butt naked, in the lobby of a theatre that would be opening in 7 hours.  Fortunately he was able to call is friend who let us back into the office.  It was the only time in my life to date that I had to sit naked on cold concrete projector room stairs with cum on my hands.  Let's all go to the lobby...  
  I have never had so much trouble restraining laughter as I just have now. I'm in the lounge on my lunch at work, and someone is checking their hotmail when I hear "what the hell? new sluts online?" Pfft, "morals"  
  A small piece of advice:  If you haven't had an orgasam in a while, DO NOT masturbate while lying on your back.  Your own semen in your ear can kind of ruin that special moment.  
  i must have two hundred pounds of dirty clothes on the floor of my closet.  been putting off washing it, because i figured "i might need those quarters for beer or smokes."  so, today is payday... laundry day... did i do it?  no... i stopped at walmart and bought one pack of cheap white t-shirts, one pack of wifebeaters, and one pack of boxers.  
  so i'm leaving a bar on sunset.  had to chug the rest of my huge bottle of beer down cause the lights came on.  by the time i exit the two story fun house, I had to pee bad.  so walking towards the car, I turn up a residential street and start pissing being a parked car.  out of the corner of my eye, I see a police cruiser coming up the street.  i use that special muscle to stop my flow of pee and try to act like im looking for something in my wallet.  the two cops in the cruiser didnt even throw me a casual glance.  bastards.  I didnt even zip up my pants.  i continued to piss the piss of champions into the curb and decided that in the spirit of winning the silent battle with the cops, I would continue my 2 minute piss by putting both hands on my hips and holding my head high.  Soon as i was done, I walked back down to  sunset blvd, bought a round of bacon wrapped hotdogs for everybody and shared my adventure with them.  they didnt think it was as cool as i did.  after getting less than the expected response.  i asked everybody to pay me for thier hotdogs.  
  Some of you may remember my 83 year old Latin teacher. Well, fall is here, and school has begun again.  She began class this year with an introduction session. "Say who you are and a hobby."  "I'm Peter and I bike"  "You what?"  "I bike"  "You what?"  "I bike... y'know, with two wheels?"  "Oh"  (class laughes shamelessly at a hearing-impared 83 year old Latin teacher)  I feel terrible for making fun of her... she's such a nice old lady. But it's time for her to retire already.  
  Driving in the left lane of an east bound highway.  I see this punkass coming up on me in my rearview mirror, weaving in and out of traffic.  I am in a state vehicle so I keep it at the speed limit (never know who is watching these days).  He proceeds to attempt to pass me on the right..  There is a vehicle in that lane just ahead of me.  I accelerate as he makes his move, giving him nowhere to go.  I look to him and give him the proverbial bird.  Traffic in my lane has nearly come to a stop.  I step on the brakes and sit in a cloud of burnt rubber.  I'm a dumbass.  
  violets are blue roses are red get down on yr knees and ....never mind.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What's the deal with French Canadians who come up to me, or someone else, and make poor attempts to formulate and ask questions in English?  Why don't they just ask me if I speak French?  Another thing...don't you love it how when tourists go to foreign countries, and they ask people if they speak english, and when the local says "no", they ask them "A-GAIN, BUT LOW - D-ER ANDE PRO-NOUN-CEE-ATE THE SYL-LABLES" as if that will make a difference?  Tourist: "Gee, honey, try saying it slower, as if you were talking to a dog."  
  Not my moment, but...  The boyfriend and I are at a party.  Lots of liquor.  Quite drunk.  People throwing the party decide to play a game called "Move Your Ass".  Basically, the person in the middle says, "Move Your Ass if you've ever...."  Fill in the blank.  I got stuck in the middle first and several times after that -- seeing as I was totally wasted and didn't know where I was, let alone what I was supposed to do, I guess that wasn't too amazing.  But I set the mood.    Did I mention this was a gay party that had been in full swing with free alcohol for several hours?  Anyway, a guy stands up and says...  "Move your butt... if you ever *fucked* a bitch in the *ass* and then stuck it in her *mouth*.  YEAH!"  This at a gay party.  Everyone's jaw drops.  The only person who stands up is a transsexual.    It was an interesting night.  
  "Gravitation  can  be held responsible for people falling off large building and smashing themselves on the ground into bloody scraps of flesh." -Me  
  Signs of being a perverted Geek without a Girlfriend.  #17  At 16, you keep your porn in the box your Playstation came in.  Corollary  After 5 years, the only improvement on your situation is that you are old enough to buy porn legally... and your Playstation 2 came in a BIGGER box.  Sigh...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the holland bar  The clientele are terrifying and beautiful.   Old drunks, young drunks (snicker here) and various other unidentifiable.   The crowd is always boisterous, but does include many of the hunched over, bleary-eyed types, either lost in reverie or maintaining that delicate balance between being passed out and being awake.   Most often, they flare up like comets for a half-hour, dancing around and yelling and making noise, then sinking back down into oblivion.   I fit here, somehow.  
  I met him in a math class in college. Nice guy, but he seemed to be the type that always feels the need to have an anecdote to tell, and if he doesn't have one, he'll make one up.  Most of them revolved around his high school friends.  They drove up to pay him a birthday visit over the weekend, and I was invited along. My life for three days consisted mainly of thinking to myself, "Holy shit, that's another thing he /didn't/ make up."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To the dipstick who stole the yogurt out of the office fridge last week:  Hey schmuko, you stole valuable calcium from a pregnant woman. Your fat gut probably didn't even need it.   
  1>> First gay date  16 years old.  Waiting for bus to go home in the burbs.  Downtown prairie city.  I have 1/2 hr to wait for next bus.  Go for a walk.  Guy in truck pulls over, asks if I'd like to go home with him to have some 'fun.'  Sure, what the fuck, kinda makes me horny (at the time the sight of a telephone pole made me horny.)  Takes me to his place, he gives me a BJ, and $100.  Cool.  When he found out I was a virgin on the ride home to the burbs, he gave me another $100..  Ah, to be young again..  
  I'm kind of tired of girls assuming that all guys don't masturbate.  I mean it's right there hanging down right in front of us for christ's sake.  Are we seriously expected not to play with it?  That's like being six years old and having a room full of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, and never opening the door.  That's not a very good simile though, cuz I don't know about you, but when I was six I was playing with myself.  
  one more for the gals:  when a guy blows his load masturbating, he'll from time to time clean it up with toilet paper.  which more often than not will leave nice white flecks of tp on the tip of his dick.  stuck on real good mind you.  if you've seen them, thats what they are.  if not, keep your eye out.   
  One day, when I was 13 or so, my bro and I went swimming, and then visited a friend of ours.  Her step-father, a police officer, took one look at us and asked sternly, "Have you two been swimming?" We told him we had, but couldn't figure out how he knew.   Later, we asked our friend how he knew, and she told us our eyes were all red and bloodshot. He figured we had either been swimming or smoking weed, and if we hadn't been swimming we would have gotten in big trouble.  I think of that sneaky SOB every time I look in the mirror with red eyes.   
  Few phrases are as direct and yet so subtle:   Suck Me.  
  According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.   Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.   To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.   
  So, we're all going to Rocky Horror Picture Show, my friend (Hi Sailor!) and I not having been for about 5 years since they shut it down in Berkeley, and the other three virgins.  I show up to the coffee shop in jeans and a t-shirt (Rocky gear underneath clothes; I've almost gotten my ass kicked for wearing it in public), and my significant other gets out of the car fully (un?)dressed with a flimsy cape covering her up.  She's wearing a purple corset, accentuating her natural hourglass and making her tits assault her chin; a pair of barely-there-underwear of the "really-small-shorts-mixed-with-a-thong-and-proudly-displaying-the-undercurves-of-the-buttocks" variety, thigh-high fishnets (mandatory for Rocky), 6" stiletto heels making her just a bit taller than I am, and a lavender A-cut wig.  Mantras praising the Gods run through my mind, as I know that I'm gonna get to do her in that outfit, preferably bent over the hood of my car.  Later that night, I did do her bent over the hood of my car.  Funny thing is she was wearing my jeans and t-shirt, and I'm pumpin' away wearing a bustier and thigh-highs.  At least I took the heels off...  
  While touring in Scotland on the Isle of Skye, I stopped for lunch in a local pub.  I overheard a conversation from a group of four American tourists discussing what those piles of "dirt" were along the side of the road they had seen along the way.  Having just travelled the same road they did, I piped in that they were stacks of freshly cut peat, drying in piles, to be used as fuel for the coming winter.  "Oh, so that's what peat looks like!  We'll have to get a picture on the way back", one of them said.  They finished their lunch before me and piled into their rental car and headed off.  A few minutes later I left the pub and it wasn't long after I recognised their car parked ahead by the side of the road.  They were out with their cameras taking pictures of each other standing beside a large pile of sheep manure.  The saddest part was that I doubt anyone back home who saw the pictures would notice, but I'd love to be there to see the looks on their faces the first time someone told them "Peat? That's a pile of sheep shit!".  
   Skewering "Indie" Movie directors  David Thomson: "the veneer and tag of `independent' is just used in Hollywood to get people bragging rights and give them clout. It's a way of saying `I'm higher than you, better than you,' when they're really still doing it for the money, the women, the glory and the whole bag of tricks. I prefer people who admit they're doing it for the money." "Thomson and Ebert", anybody?  
  Currently an exciting night for me is to sit at home and read lowbrow.  I need out of the suburbs, fast.    
  to a certain extent, a shower can be replaced quite well with  cologne and a nice hat!  
  "I'd crawl a thousand miles over broken glass to wank in her shadow," he said, with a wistful grin.  I hadn't known him long, but I'm pretty sure he would have.        
  WHOO HOO!! I'M PART OF THE CLUB!! Hey maybe we should all start the "I had a doctor stick a swab down my pee pee hole" bowling league, what do you guys think? any takers?  
  So i swallowed a dime once...with intentions of retrieval.  When it actually came time to do some diggin', I wasn't brave enough to do it.  I just flushed it.  I swallowed another: same results.  But the third dime I swallowed...I got out some rubber gloves and a couple of chops sticks and went in there pokin' and prodin'.  I found it.  And of course, I spent it...at a diner...after sliding it across the table to a friend.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         conversation with a girl at the main office of a university i am applying to:  me: can i have guidance, please?  her: (voice sounding more than a little dubious) erm, what kind guidance do you need?  no baby, the guidance OFFICE.  though i do have to admire her profoundly existential world view.  i wonder what she would have said if i'd replied "spiritual".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got on the bus today and there was this guy in the aisle on hands and knees picking up reese's peices off the floor and as I waited politely for him to finish so as not to crush any underfoot he looked up at me and said "uuh, dawg, muh-fukkin' m-n'-m's, yee-eah."  
  when i was first moving into my current residence, my landlord pointed to the somali restaurant directly next to our house. "best goat-head in town" he said. man... the smells that come out of that place sometimes make me choke.  
  how to make a jaw drop oneohone  so a rather attractive woman walks up to a particularly handsome married friend of mine in a bar he gets pissed when he waves his wedding ring in horny women who want to pick him ups faces and they continue regardless its offensive says he  my name is insert name whats yours is what the conversation starts as he replies diane diane says she incredulously yeh i used to be a woman and changed my sex but not my name  jaw drops  end of pickup         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was drinking seven and sevens.  It was the first time I ever drank and the first time I ever puked.  I don't remember them changing my clothes, but when I woke up I was wearing someone elses underwear.  Whitie-tighties, just my size.  I do remember me calling someone "my bitch" many, many times, however.  
  Having some of the best sex in my married life Friday night as my wife got on top, rediscovered her love for controlling the tempo, prolonging both of our pleasure, watching me plunge in and out of her for well over an hour until we collapsed into some absolutely wonderful orgasms.  Then going to the office early the next morning to catch up some paper work and taking a moment to jack off to internet porn.  D--  
  I love bars  I love the smell and the feel and the silence on a Tuesday night with the crackly jukebox playing all of my tunes because I'm the only one here and I love the smiles and the heat and the press of bodies on a Saturday night when everyone shouts in each others ears because the jukebox is playing something nobody can remember paying for because its a hundred songs behind what's being paid for now and I love to walk to the pool tables with a sway in my hips and a whiskey in my hand and put money down with my cigarette on my bottom lip and play and watch the surprise "you're not bad for a girl" and then,   always  some insecure cheapskate resentful bastard sidles up to me like a rat or a weasel or a slug or a toad and hisses   "you think you're so fucking cool don't you"  and they're the one thing I hate about bars    
  We all looked behind us startled as the car hit the curb and then did a little jump up on to the sidewalk.  "I begged Mom to stay out of the Schnapps," he said.   
  My uncle liked to talk about his three hundred pound girlfriend Marleene.   I knew her son. He smelled like BO and stale shit. His teeth were covered in slime and black grime was lodged under his nails.  My uncle liked to talk about the "Oil Sex" with Marleene.  At least that's how my brother heard it "Oil Sex". I tried to imagine my alcoholic beanpole uncle slathered in oil sliding around on Marleene's sack-like body.  A few years later I realized he was talking about "Oral Sex".   It came to me on the school bus. I shuttered and retched.  I caught a glimpse of reality stripped of the veneer of childhood and it frightened me.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my jaw does that thing where if i open my mouth too much about half the time it makes this irritating pop sound.  so like.. almost all i can think about when im making out is trying not to make my jaw pop. it sucks.  i was at the dentist and i told him about my problem he says its normal no big deal. fuck that! ive heard of fireworks going off when you kiss someone but this is ridiculous.  
  I used to work at a Tower records - this particular Tower had a rather large adult entertainment section.  We had tons of magazines and any kind of movie you could imagine - Straight, gay/lesbian, bondage, fat chicks, bull dykes, save for skat we probably had it all.  So with such a large selection of pornography of course we had many a person purchase some of our material.  Nine times of ten it was either a skinny/fat balding middle-aged man that looks like he hasn't combed his hair in months, or foreign people buying shit with their girlfriend.  In the case of the middle-aged men, they were always extremely shy of what they were buying, especially the ones that would buy gay porn.  They'd try to hide it by sticking the porn mag in between two other magazines, or hiding it inside their jacket until they got to the register.  All porn movies had protectors around them, because often people would steal porn.  There was a little device we used to get the plastic protector off, so whenever someone would buy porn I'd always act like I was having a hard time with it.  "Damnit, I can't get this guys porn out!"  sometimes I'd call over someone else to help me out.  Good times! Haha.  
  Pretty low when you add yourself as a writer in answer to another internet personality who's asking for fictional charactors in a Norse tale on his web site. And, when he accepts your made-up character and publishes your made-up fantastical/mythical self. And, when you are excited about the whole subject.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         8/11/02  First, the godamnmotherfucking "security" in Fresno airport took away my church-key.  The one with the little cork-screw that actually works and doesn't bend, and the little, tiny, almost dull 'knife' that I used for *EVERYTHING*.  And I do mean everything, from pulling out the screens from my bowl, to removing an orange peel, to opening packages, everything...it was an inch, maybe an inch and a quarter?  But, nooooooo!  They have to take it away because I might give someone the equivilant of a papercut!  FFFFFFFFFFFFFuck!!!  I got it into california without a problem...FUCKFUCKFUCK Those fucking thieves!!!  Then, they removed the smooking areas from the United Airlines terminals in San Fransisco airport...  Justfuckingreat!  Now, I have to get frisked again, because I wanted to kill the nicotine fit I might have had on the upcoming 5 hour flight!!  I just came out the fucking door, what, am I going to build a bomb in the whole 10 minutes i was outside the terminal area!?  Why can't they be nice, like Denver, and have a designated smoking lounge, with a nice bar, and good beer on tap...  The 5 hour flight to Newark has begun...I already hate the people next to me...  This prick made a 76 year old woman put her seat up, because he didn't know that he could bend his freakishly long legs!  Then his wife!  Oh, they were made for each other, and loved every second of the misery they brought each other.  "The food is terrible; I can't put my seat down now, because you had to complain; Is this all they're giving us?; Tthis plane is too crowded, why to they have so many people; blah-blah-blah-fucking-blah"  I wanted to punch her face into the seat, and smash her husband's forehead with my GameBoy Advance...then we begin our decent...  The little bitch is worried..."Why is it shaking?  Is it supposed to shake like this?  Why is the plane shaking so much?  Why is it shaking?"-whispering to her husband-over, and over, and over... You'd think her husband would explain things to her, maybe calm her nerves, godforbid-offer some comfort to his wife, who has obviously never experienced this sort of thing...  Buuuuut nooooooo, he mumbles something I can't hear, and she-won't-stop-asking-him-about-the-fucking-shaking! X^O I could take no more, leaned over, barely taking my eyes off Breath Of Fire II, and said "This is normal."  At some point, I wanted to get the fuck away from these people, and their issues.  There's a seat behind us, but I don't know if it's taken...the rear of the plane is blocked...I'll ask someone up front-"Please go back to your seat!  Don't come back here, stay away from the cockpit doors."--wha-HUH!?  Holy fuck, what happened to please!?  What heppened to speaking nicely?!  I was so surprised by their rudeness, I forgot what I wanted to ask...only asking if I could take an empty seat behind me (forgetting to ask them to check if someone was there).  At the GLORIOUS end of our flight, I so desperately wanted to point at the pissy couple, and tell them "YOU TWO-have issues!"  But I didn't.  And all I care about is my    FUCKING CHURCH KEY!  Why, God?  WHY!?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I masturbate, I don't like any distractions.  For example, I know guys who use tissues to shoot their load in.  That means that at the exact second of ejaculation, the most enjoyable part, they have to start worrying about clean up, thereby not really lavishing in the moment.  I  know some guys who jack off into socks.  That just makes me feel weird.  Wouldn't you chafe?  Basically, I want to enjoy that moment without any interruption.  That is why I masturbate standing up with a towel on the floor.  You should try it sometime.  I personally like the way my knees buckle at the climactic end.  It's a gas.  
  About one month before I got married I met Bonnie.  She was about ten years older than me with a great body, beautiful brown eyes, and blood red nails and lipstick.  I met her at a shopping mall.  We went back to her apartment and she blew me three times.  She could suck dimes out of parking meters!  I never saw her again...  I was married for 17 years.  I fucked, sucked, and got sucked by as many women as possible.  One of my favorites was an ex-nun named Marge.  She was the most eager lover I ever had.  I remember her showing me her convent photos before the first time we fucked.  I got divorced.  I got tired of the double life.  I am now happily in a monogamous relationship.  Sometimes I still think about Bonnie and Marge, and a few of the other colorful women I've had the pleasure to...  
  Dead Bunnies Haiku #2:  I ll just tell Susie That Cottontail ran away Bad dog! Bad, bad dog!   
  I hate how people just stare at you when you try to explain why your current conversation is just lowbrow.  
  The middle-aged asshole in a red convertable cuts me off and continues to weave through traffic.   We stop at the red light right next to eachother. I roll down my window and said, "Nice car, what else did ya get for Christmas?"  Don't look so cool in that car after all, huh grandpa  
  my friend and i were taking our other, wormy friend, annie, out for pizza at a local place. i had a valium in my pocket, and my best friend and i strategically placed it under the cheese of annie's pizza when she was ambling away to be social. she came back and after taking a few bites, notices a mustardy substance that was in fact the semi dissolved prince val. we told her that ours too, had mustardy crap on them, but that it tasted fine. so she ate it. mmm, good.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom and her fat friend had the nerve to bring a guy home from the bar and kinda mess around with him in the living room, where I was trying to watch TV.  They were so fucking annoying.  I went to my room to go to bed.    That asshole left during the night and stole all the money I had left in my wallet that was on the coffee table.  Thanks Mom    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The cats have the lovely habit of leaving bird parts on my doorstep. Icky, bloody, mangled birdparts.  This wasn't really a problem until my favorite neighbor to torment moved and now I have to load up the bird in the car and drive over to her house in order to follow procedure and leave it in her mailbox.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I watched a girl sit in a parking lot trying to start her car, which had had the lights left on all day and was clearly not willing to start.  She tried to start it, then waited 3 seconds before the next try, then waited 10 seconds before the try after that.  She then waited a minute and tried once more.  Clearly the car was unwilling to start, and yet she felt as if she could 'trick' the car and possibly 'catch it off guard' by trying to start it in longer intervals.  Stupid girl.       
  alright. so i'm in the 12th grade and my friend brad and i are all about the dxm. for those of you who dont know, thats dextromethorphan, the potent active ingredient in cough medicine that also acts as a hard core dissassociative/psychotrophic drug.  we typically took it in pill form, but this time we couldnt find coricidin and so we settled for drinking robotussin, something which i can assure you we will never do again.  so anyway... he spends the night at my house and we drink the putrid juice at the beginning of a nice "stroll" around the neighbourhood. anyway... the trip got started nicely (despite the grossness of what we had to do to get there), and we walked up and down all of the cracks and crevices of the area around my house.  and then it happened. whilst sitting on a bridge about a mile from my house, brad had to take a dump. "a big, watery dump" he said.  so we run home as fast as our intoxicated selves will take us and he goes into the bathroom and drops a load.  and while he's in there... i realise that i have to take a shit.   so he comes out and i follow him it, shitting my guts out and smelling his shit. and when i opened the door, there was brad. "i have to go again, he said."  six hours later we were still shitting. we lied down on my bed all night listening to sonic youth and trying not to move, because we both knew that once we moved we would have to go to the bathroom to take one of those gross unsatisfying piddle shits again.  so its 7.30 in the morning and i hear my mom up in the other room... i'm still tripping, but that never stopped me from talking to my parents (or cops, for that matter). so i go into the bathroom and say "mom... do you have any kaopectate?" "why do you need it son?" "umm... because brad's been sick all night and he just really needs it."  "you know, son... if brad is sick he shouldnt have spent the night. now go to bed."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lacking suitable candidates, my dorm elected as its president a giant double-headed dildo named William S. McShafty.  One night, on a whim, I head down to the local pizza place with the prez slung across my shoulders. One of the kind, aging Hispanic ladies who works there asks me what it is. Utterly astonished that someone would not recognize its function, yet desperately trying to avoid embarrassing her, I stammer "Um...um...um.....a friend." right as she asks "A massager?" Sure, I hastily correct myself. A massager. I couldn't look her in the eye after that.  
  I had the chance to spend 10 days in italy. I went. I hated it. the highlight of my trip was chasing pidgons in St. Peters square while my friends listened to the pope give mass on easter sunday.        
  I spent the morning sleep deprived, with smeared makeup all over my face, and a needle in my arm.  its 2am i get off work..watching strippers all night..feeling frisky..want to wake up bf.. dead asleep..3:30 crawl into bed.. move around and shift and wiggle a whole lot as an attempt to stirr him out of sleep.. doesnt work.. *damnit* decided to just wait till 5am and wake him up and be like yes lets go now.. since he had to get up at 5:30.. good plan.. waste time..5am.. woooohooooooo crawl into bed... nudge nudge.. woohoo hes awake..so we go at it.. normal sex..*wonderful orgasm* but *gasp* he doesnt get off.. "what the hell is wrong with you asshole..your going to fuck me till YOU get off too" resume sex.. this time harder and faster than you ever imagined.. im ridin him like there is no tomorrow.. come down really hard... and the pain just seeps up into my organs.. i fight it and keep going.. im a hardcore bitch ... ya.. so he puts me on all fours.. and is fuckin the hell out of me.. and hits that spot again.. i pull away..double over in pain.. laying there... in tears.. *yes it hurt that bad* .. im like gawwwwwwwwwwd .. hes all worried and takes me to the hospital when i pass out..i wake up.. theres some woman.. with a needle in her hand and i dont know where i am.. its been 3 weeks i still have a bruise on my arm from that whore.. she was like michael j fox incarnate.. *grrr* passed back out.. woke up to a woman entering the room.. "honey, do you know what a catheter is"  the beer i drank after work= 8$ for a 6pk  the tube of ky jelly we'd been using all week=4$  the hospital bill=300$ (being military rocks)  going to the hospital at 6am laying on a table, having a catheter, michael j fox taking blood, and finding out that you have a urinary track infection = priceless  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I worked for a landscape maintenance company. I really hated the loser, drunk boss. He would never give me any respect.  Because we didn't even have a Porto Potty everyone always went around back to piss. I found a crack in the wall right outside his office. For about 4 months I would piss in that spot 2-3 times a day. What a laugh.  Then that fucking snitch mechanic found out and told the bastard.  He was such a pussy he made someone else fire me.  
  Lowbrow.com - The confession booth for shit that if you told your priest about what you've done, he'd have to call the Vatican to find out just how fucking Hail Mary's and Our Father's you'd have to say to make up for it. Ofcourse, that would have be done from OUTSIDE the church, because no way is he gonna let your demon-spawn ass inside, and he doesn't care how many toothbrushes you've tried to clean that ass with.  
  I spent the entire day waiting for Black Francis to call for his interview.  The call never came.  I called his record company and they called me to make sure my phone was working because Black Francis had told them the line was busy for an hour.  And I missed class for this.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So i'm outside on the porch at a party, getting some fresh air. (A non-smoker can only take so much of an unventilated basement with 10 smokers) My roommate's girlfriend was sitting out on the porch, crying. I ask her what's up, she tells me that my roommate just broke up with her tonight. She's all broken up, she lost her virginity to him. (Poor girl, I know from many a story that my roommate is a really, really shitty lay.)  Story keeps going, turns out she wanted to stay a Techinical Virgin  for when she got married, (she's an Oral Roberts University student, if you know what that school is, then this is even funnier) so he talked her into good old fashioned anal sex. She's been taking it in the ass like a trooper 3-4 nights a week for the whole 5-6 months they've been dating.   Two things floated across my mind during this conversation.    One, could anyone even think of calling themselves a virgin after spending 6 months giving a guy a blowjob, and then having him pound her in the ass?   Two, that's some serious dedication and love, taking it up the ass from a guy who couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag. God knows that girl was sore alot of mornings. Not to mention I know from many of his other one night stands that he couldn't orally please a woman if his life depended on it.  So in the end, I'm gonna give her the Techinical Virgin , because she never really had sex, she just made herself into a warm hole for him to jack off in. Poor girl is gonna spend the rest of the time she's single and unmarried thinking that's as good as sex gets.  
  "Did you mean: ass rapiers"  no, ass rapers!  stupid altavista.com  
  I had to take the worst, watery dump in my life, so I ran into the Filenes department store I was walking past and asked where the bathroom was.  "Fifth floor"  Great, so I rode the escalators up to the fifth floor...about to burst and made into the Men's room, and shit my brains out, wiped and tried to flush, wouldn't flush...smelled pretty bad...hmmm.  Well hey it wasn't my problem anymore. So I go to wash my hands...no soap...hmmm...ok a little water will do i guess until i get back to my place.  No towels...damn.  So I walked out of the bathroom and found a nice rack of women's dresses, picked out a good looking one, and dried my not-so-clean hands on it.     
  I seduce him to come to my house.  I lie in bed with him watching a movie.  I watch with interest while he takes off his shirt.  (I pause this story to get downstairs where there's beer.  Mmm...pig iron porter.)  I take off my shirt.  He tells me that he is horrible in bed and that he 'cums quick.'  I put my shirt back on and kick him out of my house.  And people wonder why I don't like to be touched?  
  a friend found his crack dealer in bed with his mom, so he choked the guy for a little while, decided it wasn't worth 10-15 years, and left. the lowbrow part is that that was not one of his lowest moments.  
  You ever sniff your computer chair? I was picking up a quarter beneath the chair when I did. Smelled like rich, thick ass. I realized that this chair had been sitting her, accumulating nastiness from everyone who sat down with an unwashed ass, or who farted into it, for years and years and it had never been washed. That's a lot of ass.  Go ahead, sniff your chair.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I finally got her in my bed. After going down on her, we decided to go a step further, but of course I don't have a condom. Somehow she finds a weird heavy-duty plastic condom with velcro on it, and it doesn't even fit me. God fucking dammit. I can't even get laid in my dreams.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "here's your mail... hmm its opened. It wasn't when i put it in my car. maybe someone broke into my car and opened your mail. Thats a federal offense isnt it? wow, opening someone's mail is worse than grand theft auto." "even worse if you broke into a car, drove over state lines and then opened someone's mail." "yeah right as you're crossing state lines." "yeah, with a llama in the car...a llama who's shooting open the mail --with an unregistered shotgun." "yeah, a llama that youre fishing off the back of while youre driving and opening mail." "and youre crossing the lines with a small child in the car--who's doing crack." "a small child who isnt secured in a safety seat." "yeah, heh heh."   
  For the first time a couple of weeks ago, I shot a pistol. A semi-automatic 9MM. Jesus H. fucking Christ. Fuck movies. You have no idea how LOUD those things are.  Nothing can prepare you for how loud they are.  It was fun. We were in a big meadow. No real danger -- other than the obvious -- and I even shot it a couple of times like in the movies, 1-handed, just pumping the bullets out.  You know what? Fuck the movies. You can't hit shit when you fire like that.  It was a thrill. But, damn, my ears are still ringing. Everyone in the movies who fires a bunch of shots (like in "Pulp Fiction") and then immediately has a conversation at normal volume is completely and utterly full of three varieties of shit.  Movies. Heh. Who needs 'em?  
  It's not my imagination. Blondes do taste better.        
  whatdo you suppose a girl thinks when she hugs a guy who has/gets an erection? i mean, damn. its not as if its that unnoticable. and if its 'just a friend'?     fuck.  
  when I was a kid I was riding on my younger brothers back like a horse.  Giddy-up! I said jumping on his back.  His little arms gave out, smashing his chin on the floor. "I've got myself a lame horse here." I said. He still has the scars on his chin.  
  let me save you the trouble  penis pumps DON'T work  
   Anteing Up, 301  ante ( &atilde;n't&egrave; ) (v) (colloq): To place or raise a bet, as in card playing. I'm making a cup of tea in the house kitchen, when my soon-to-be-very-estranged stepdaughter comes in, being sullen as usual. She: "Eh, would you mind cleaning up after yourself when you're done? You keep leaving my kitchen in a mess." (I won't go into into why she thinks it's her kitchen, or why I take pleasure in not cleaning up after myself, but it has something to do with  the last seven years of living with the messy little brat). I glance blankly at her, say: "Hunh?" (That gives me lots of pleasure, too, since it sums up most of her responses to me during that time). She gets pissed, and pulls the kettle cord out of the wall. Me: "That's an awfully slippery slope to start down. I wouldn't recommend it." She, combatitively: "Yeah, what'll you do?" Me: "Can you think of anything that   you  might not want suddenly unplugged?" She immediately thinks about her fancy  computer, the one I built her, with the big monitor and cable modem, that she sits in front of sixteen hours a day with her mouth hanging open. She: "Oh yeah?" Well, I'd just unplug your motorhome!" Me: "What in particular would you unplug?" She: "Well, the water, for starters." Me: "I have a 100 gallon water tank. I could live on that for a long time." She: "OK! I'd unplug your electricity!" Me: "I also have a 100 gallon gas tank. I could run my generator on that for a long time. You might not like that, because it's really noisy, and smelly, and it's right outside your window." She's righteously, hopping mad by now, still holding onto the cord: "I'd unplug your sewer hookup!" Me: "I don't have a sewer hookup, but your welcome to pop the cap off of my holding tank. It would discharge right onto your steep little walkway. Like I said, slippery slope..."  
  i am so deluded.....the worse part is my family and friends support my insanity...i make movies on video and actually have real actors audition for roles...i have no libido and yet i laid a chick who looks like jennifer love hewitt...i was fired from the store i worked for for theft....i still denied that i did it even when they showed me the videotape...i am bizarro schmuck        
  The only thing more memorable than the smell of a two gallon jug of urine, feces, semen, pus and spit that had been aged in the dormitory basement for a semester was the sound that it made when it hit the sidewalk after being poured off of a three story building.  
  The day after thanksgiving, shoppers decided to riot outside of the Target store, where I work, before the store even opened.  The police and  the fire department showed up.  I suspect the police showed up to restore order and break up the riot, but they never got the chance.  They stayed in their cars with their lights on as the fire fighters hosed down the riotous mob with their high pressure hoses.  I stood inside the door and smirked.  
  quote see if you just lay out your fuckups at the beginning then none of them will boomerang and stab you in the back when your not looking you wont be a great public figure or politician or anything but at least you wont take the great tragic fall endquote ah yes the fall my favorite season         
  My wife is giving a poetry reading, and my six-month old son is SCREAMING.  I take him outside, talk to him, stroke him, but all the time he SCREAMS like the world is going to end.  I drive him around the block, even play Bob Marley and sing along. Nothing works.  I park.  Roll up the windows. Get out.  Stand about 20 feet away in godblessed silence while watching him silently turn purple with rage.  After about five minutes, I once again love my new son.  
  Long ago, the ex and I were in some cheesy bar and he struck up a conversation with some guy. It turned out the guy was a long-haul truck driver, who knew where a really good party was. So out we go in the snow to ride in a semi to a party. I sat in the bunk while the ex rode shotgun, and as we tried in vain to find the party, the truck driver kept reaching back trying to fondle me. I kept pushing his hand away and nudging the ex, who was too drunk to pay any attention.  Finally, the driver admitted he was lost and we tried to turn around, 20+ foot long trailer and all, in a motel parking lot. The driver suddenly stopped, leaned out his door and puked, then laid his head down on the engine cover between the seats and began snoring. He was out cold. I knew this because I picked up his head by the hair and let go... bounce bounce bounce but no response.  "Shit, what now?" said the ex. "Leave the fucker." I replied, and told him how I'd been getting groped all night. So the ex and I wrestled the driver over into the bunk, and the ex ground the gears and jerkily got the truck into an impossible to move jackknifed position against a wall back of the motel. Then we took the keys, threw them into the woods, and walked out to the main road, where we hitched a ride back to town.  I can only think the driver got off easy, because if I knew all the tricks back then that I know now....  
  my girlfriend was kind of annoyed when she realized i was humping her in beat with the knightrider theme....  
  I have dry-clean only clothing that has never, ever been washed.   I'm too lazy to hand wash it, and to fucking cheap to pay some Italian dude money to hose it down with chemicals and call it "dry-cleaning".  I Febreeze those bad boys.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)              Today mom was buying steering fluid for the car and the guy asked if she wanted a bag and she said "no I'll drink it on the way home."   
  I once met a guy, fell momentarily in love (lust?), and moved to Boise, Idaho. Of all places.   Idaho is an extremely family-oriented state, with half of them being mormons.  Within the first week of being there, I was in a Wal-Mart with Mike. Looking around, I saw nothing but hooded dames and little tots running around.  I step into the aisle, screaming "NO I WILL NOT SUCK YOUR DICK, YOU HORRENDOUS SPAWN OF SATAN, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME FATHER!"   Mormons stood around, all aghast at my senseless blathering. I look directly into one's eyes - "fucking christians, can you believe it?"  Mike nearly pissed himself, laughing. That's when you know you've got a good man.  
  I want to look up different types of explosives on the Net but I can't figure out how without attracting the attention of the Feds.  
  Our morals are our of place and got our live full of sorrow. and so tomorrow comin' later than usual, waitin' on someone to pity us, while we find the beauty in the hideous. They say money's the root of all evil but I can't tell, you know what I mean, pesos, francs, yens, cowrie shells, dollar bills, or is it the mindstate that's ill creatin' crime rates to fill the new prisons they build. over money and religion there's more blood to spill, the wounds of slaves in cotton fields that never heal what's the deal? A lot of cats who buy records is straight broke, but my language universal they be recitin' my quotes while R&B singers hit bad notes, we rock the boat of thought that my man Louis' statements just provoked. Caught up in conversations of our personal worth. Brought up through endangered species status on the planet Earth. Survival tactics means bustin' caps to prove you hard. Your firearms are too short to box with God.    
   Mum and sister trying to teach three year old Jamie to operate the VCR.  "No, don't push the red light. Below the red light. BELOW!" So he leant down really carefully, stared at the red light, and blew on it.  
  interesting conversations with jesus he said so i am the chosen one jesus fucking christ and no one believes me and so they will all go to hell i will make sure of it i told him that jesus didnt want to be the son of god lord if this cup can pass by me etc etc he said oh yeah another jesus dies no cross no nails         
  The guy who ran over the biohazard bag full of kidney speaks the truth: however, he doesn't know why the bag was there. I do.  TheSpark.com had to come up with something spectac-o-riffic for its sequel to "Stinkymeat". Human flesh was suggested on the boards several times. Obviously, we couldn't include human flesh in Stinkymeat 2 for several legal reasons, but the idea stuck with us. We were curious. A staff member of ours was dating a young lady in a medical position. We half-kidded her all the time, in the months preceding Stinkymeat II, about how we wanted her to get ahold of some human flesh. Well, one day, she came home with a cooler and lo and behold, inside, an orange biohazard back. She said it was a bad kidney which had been taken out of a patient and was about to be discarded, when she discreetly impounded it for our own devious purposes.  Well, in our own brand of twisted logic, we figured a nursing home would be the perfect place to hide the kidney, as several people inside could probably use one, even if it was bad and rotting. So we ditched it and checked up on it daily.  One day, one of us stopped by and saw the lawn half-mowed, white goo all over the place, a puddle of harf nearby, and experienced the smell of the Dead. Thanks for the laffs, you wacky bastard, you! When in doubt: chop it up.  (By the way, the reason I'm telling you about this now is because no one can prove it's me. Hell, you're probably doubting it's me right now. Good.)  
  i finished taking a dump, threw my cigarette in the toilet, and flushed.. it clogged..  "oops" I thought to myself, as i stood up and exited the stall. nobody would know. there was a _hot_ chick standing in the bathroom.... this wasn't the guy's bathroom. oh shit. "um, it's pretty nasty in there." i said. i hoped she would think someone else took the shit. i washed my hands and left. she had to know it was me. man, that sucked.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I think I've broken the Brow. I've had the very same moment come up three times in a row.  Either I broke it or it's the apocalypse, and I'd almost rather it were the latter. "    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com    The same has happened to me. With this post.   Me too. But with this one.  
  Christmas at the mall, they have this life-size cardboard cutout of some well-built very young girl, decked out in the latest trendy fashions in red and green with a Santa hat standing outside the teenybopper hotty-clothing store. Underneath her stilleto-heel booted feet, it says in large red letters "HO HO HO".  I think once is enough.  
  after 9/11 you know how every single store you went too had those "proud to be an american" type signs  well its a big joke in my family about them, we all hate them...think their tacky...etc  next time i'm home im going to buy about 10 and stick them all over my front yard then blame my friends for it  
  I remember once bitching to my dad about having to do some stupid chore -feeding the dog I think - and he said:  "You wanna bitch?  When youve laid on the ground with your arm jammed up to your shoulder in human shit trying to find the valve (or some such) for the septic tank - you can bitch."    A few years later I worked at a farm and watched the rugged local hicks artificially inseminate cows with their arms jammed up inside them to their shoulders.  Looking back Ive never been shoulder deep in shit other than metphorically.  I worry that there is some small part of me that feels that much less a man for having missed this experience.   
  last week, i was forced to go to the bustling hell that is the local elementary school to pick up my little sister.  i parked on a grassy swale, along with all the parents.  every day i worry about hitting a child and/or a car, and last week that day came.  as i backed out of the tight space, i maneuvered to avoid backing into the car behind me, and hitting the back bumper of the car parked next to me with my car.  i hit the parked car.  the owner was inside.  i scratched the bumper of her brand new minivan, and she was very nice to me but said she had to call her policeman husband.  he showed up, said it was nothing, and jokingly called me a lousy driver.  then he saw that my tag was expired, and that i didn't have my license on me.  "i could get some tickets outta this," he said, but he was nice enough to just let me go.  yesterday i was buying socks at target, when i saw the whole family come strolling up.  as we passed each other in the aisle, i who had hit their car, and they who had shown me mercy, we smiled and waved.  "how ya doin!" the lady yelled.    "fine, and you?"  ...goddamn it was awkward.  
  Wife was safely esconced in the Labor & Delivery room for the birth of our first daughter, so I went down to pick up something from the car. Throughout the pregnancy, people had been kidding us about sympathetic labor. I retrieved whatever I supposed to get out of the car and boarded the elevator to get back up to the OB ward. As soon as the doors closed, I was doubled over with the worst abdominal pain I've ever experienced in my life. I could only bite my lower lip and moan... I had gone pale and my forehead was beading up with sweat. I was thinking, "OH SHIT!!! SYMPATHETIC LABOR!! Ohhhh...."  Just before the elevator crested the floor that the OB ward was on, I uh..... "gave birth," to an invisible child with a very nasty disposition. I straightened up feeling just fine, and exited the elevator. I feel sorry for whoever opened that elevator on the first floor....  
  I'd been fighting with the wife again. She'd been drinking a LOT and staying out real late. That night she came home from "girl's night out" shitfaced. And I mean SHITFACED!  She wanted to start a fight, but was too drunk to remember what we were supposed to be fighting about.  She sat at the table and passed out, then a few minutes later I heard drips. She had pissed herself and it was dripping onto the carpet from the pool that had formed in the seat of her chair.  An hour or so later, she crawled to the bathroom with her soaked pants down around her thighs because she couldn't get them off, and then threw up all over herself.  Still pissed at her for her activities of the last two weeks, I left her there. No pillow or blanket for the bathroom floor. No cleaning up the piss and vomit.  She's never mentioned it to this day. But she stopped drinking that much when she goes out.  Karma will not only fuck you, but it may throw up and piss on you too.   Good thing she didn't shit herself...  
  "Two Sierra's?" "You have anything lighter? Like Michelobe?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  she sat there utterly destroyed because the hilljackredneckarkansasjackass had left her she went through the litany of ishouldas and icouldas and sat there looking into my eyes and in earnest shredding any sense of self esteem she had i tried to understand and to somehow muster up enough empathy to tell her that things were going to be ok and that she was truely a good person but that jackass told me that she had performed the exact same ritual when i told her that i couldnt see her anymore it was sickly sad in a pullthewingsoffafly kinda way she only wanted a sympathy fuck again just not that empathetic i guess        
  so i got this job at a gnasty chinese takeout joint.  i was to be the guy who takes the phone orders.  the first day at work, i realized that it wasn't the job for me, because i don't speak chinese and they don't speak english.  or "eenglees" as they called it. so the next day, i was feeling lowbrow, so i went in and told them "i just got back from my psychiatrist, and he said that i can't have this much human interaction, so i can't work here anymore."  so that's pretty lowbrow.  kinda. what's REALLY lowbrow is that when i told them this, the 2 other emlpoyees that could speak english whipped out little brown bottles and said "here!  want some vicodin?  prozac?  valium?  zoloft?  etc."  there were like 10 pharmaceuticals that they were foisting upon me. i quit anyway, but after having gotten into "better living thru chemistry" later on, i kind of regret quitting.  damn.  
  i just spent the last hour sitting in the common room with the rest of the guys in my suite. what were we doing? waiting for the last guy to come out of his room with the girl who had spent the night with him... we'll never be 100% sure what happened last night, but she didn't make eye contact with any of us during her "walk of shame"...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For the past two months i have been trying to trane my butt to take a shit 5:15p.m. after work instead of its usual time in the morning after breakfast.  For now it's just being a rebellious asshole.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if you ever spill your weed in a shag carpet just put a sock over the vacuum cleaner hose to salvage it. you may smoke some synthetic fibers or potato chip crumbs but at least there will be less spilled weed in the  world.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've jerked off watching Star Trek... that's all you really need to know.  You don't get much lower than that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was playing pool in this night club that i kept going back to soley for this one guy.  I always take shots from this same corner because i wear short skirts and he does incredibley hot things with his Pool Stick :-)  This particular night i was taking a shot that required quite a lean.......i wasn't wearing panties....guess where that pool stick went! WOO....I never wore undies to that night club again.   
  Remember the first time you popped a chubbie thinking about a girl your own age?  Remember what she looks like?  She's beautiful.  She's a goddess.  She's the most erotic thing in the universe.  You were only twelve.  Now you're 25 and you look at her picture and you can still feel a distant memory of those days.  Makes you a little queasy, doesn't it?  
  We stood there, watching the dog take a dump.   As we wait, I let slip a silent fart that makes my eyes water.   "Oh, MAN" she says, nose wrinkled in disgust. "Wow, that stinks!", I agree.  She never suspected the truth.  Dogs are great, if only for being olfactory scapegoats.  
  Having nothing better to do, I typed my name into Google. Paging through the links, I found one that was a eulogy some college girl had written for a guy with my same name, about my age, who had commited suicide. I was so freaked out...  
  This ex-con I used to work with told me a story about fucking this Mexican chick up the ass. He topped the story off by saying when he pulled out of her bunghole there was a pinto bean stuck to the tip of his dick....  I said, "at least it wasn't a chili pepper..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my sisters and brother in law and the twins and their brother were doing blow at an alarming rate. seems they figured out, the brainchilds that hey are, that you can buy a eightball of excellent quality, cut it in half, stomp the shit outta the other half with inisotol or some shit and then sell it, get another eight ball of good shit, stomp on it etc. etc. etc. drugs and money! yippee. anyhow, one of the twins (niether that goodlooking, stayed behind at my folks house while the rest went out to party.  i mena, like what the fuck is that. all you blowmonkies are leaving and you are hanging out with your friends younger brother??? so  i was watching the ranger game and she starts up some lame conversation and shit and then gets closer and closer to me on the couch and shit. i'm thinking, am i in a bad fucking movie or what. anyway, she unbuttons her shirt and while i am facing the tv, calls me and jams her tit in my mouth. slightly shocked, i paused, and realized she had the most amazing breasts i had seen in photos or otherwise. beautiful, round, firm symetrical, gravity defying perfiectly shaped breasts. yum, thought i and proceded to slather them first with saliva and then with my jizz. all done, i look down and suddenly remember who it was that just yanked me off. i anonymously called her folks and told them about her blow habit. she went away to rehab. shame to lose a nice pair of tits and all, but...  
   > umfriend:  (n) pron. uhm-frehnd : A person with whom you are physically, but not necessarily romantically involved. When introducing to family or other acquaintances they are your, "Um... friend ."  
  I don't watch TV. I've never seen an episode of  Seinfeld  and I find that most of the shit on TV is just boring beyond belief. I don't read the newspapers. They pile up, unread. My phone never rings. I go straight to work and go straight home. I don't have any friends. The only Email I get is spam. The only time I bother going to the store is if I'm out of peanut butter and jelly, but I usually buy in bulk, so I don't have to go out more than once or twice a month.  My dad called me recently and asked what I'd been doing lately.  Hibernating.   
  I worked as a Residency Assistant at at hospital in Chicago for 8 months.  It was the worst thing I've ever experienced.  My day = got up at 6, showered, took two trains, sat in front of computer for 8 hours, took two trains, rented porn, got naked, jerked off, played video games, cried, slept.  Repeat.  I started calling phone sex lines just to talk to someone.  I didn't have a computer at home.  I thought that I'd die during those eight months.  I didn't.  Now I have a beautiful girlfriend and a pretty good job with a fun social life.  A lot less porn though.  Damn.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "well, actually, my life's looking up right now."  thought: you're life's looking up? in what way? you've become an alcoholic, an avid smoker, you have no money, you owe your parents 500 dollars for a late car payment, therefore grounding you from your car, you're dating a high school senior who is known to be the biggest slut in the town... and you have been through two years of college at two different schools, and my freshment self has more credits that you do, and you failed half your classes not even been a full time student.  and you're 20.   how's that for revenge?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Holding her softly in my arms, with her head on my shoulder, rubbing my hands down her back.  All while I face the T.V. and watch Saved By The Bell.  
  I noticed that when I had a pen that was going dry, that if a certain very attractive lady borrowed the pen, it would work just for her.    Old pens never die, they just fade away.        
  My friend who never visits lowbrow because she doesn't aprove of most of the content surprised me the other day....  she said "PORN!!"    I was like wtf?    she responded... "Why doesn't the AOL guy just say "You've got porn" and quit teasing me."  Sometimes I just don't ask questions...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         oh dear god.  I'm dating someone I met on the internet personals.        
  after leaving a concert at madison square garden, i saw two men on the sidewalk. one had flashlight under his chin while he distorted his face, and the other was yelling to the crowd "FREE SCARY FACE!", then quietly repeating "just kidding". needless to say it was the highlight of my night.  
  unlikelier progression  don johnson sucking johnson of magic johnson       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting in French class when we got a quiz back. It had been on one of those papers with five holes instead of one. I started to put it in my three ring binder when it realized i didn't know if I should put it in the top or bottom hole. Now I know what it feels like to be a guy.  
  I like for my girlfriend to jerk me off, right into her eager, open mouth.  I cum all over her face and she doesn't blink an eye.  The lowbrow part?  My girlfriend is inflatable and I use my hand to manipulate her cute little chubby hand with the drawn fingers.  I love you Sandy!  
  Pepsi blue turns your shit green if you drink enough of it.  I for one will be happily decorating public toilets this St. Patrick's Day.  
  "my best friend had turned 18 and she felt it was high time that she went into a porn store.  it was interesting seeing  all of those little things that could be shoved into almost any orifice on the human body.  seeing these gadgets made me glad that i had a boyfriend who wasn't into phreeqy stuff like the stuff my friend and i saw that day.   The trip itself wasn't lowbrow, it was the longing stares of the dirty, balding, greasy, overweight men who could barely keep their eyes off of the two newly legal highschool girls who willingly walked into a porn store.  ick."  
  When I finally *do* brush my teeth, I make sure those fuckers Bleed.       
   "What kind of preist are you?" she asked.  "I'm not a preist, I'm an ordained Reverend"  Really?" she asked.  "Yup, I paid good money to a post office box in Fresno that says so.  I paid extra for the wall mounts."  
  The human brain remembers everything we ever experience. I wonder what minute section of tissue is responsible for storing the remembered scent of every shit we've ever taken? Good lord I love science!!!  
  I just saw Resident Evil, the scariest fucking movie ever. I was sure I'd beat off to the main star and the cop chick later on that night. Then the cop chick turned into a zombie. DAMMIT!!! How in the hell am I supposed to beat off to a chick who is undead and tries to eat people?   
  I saw a brower with a "crackdealer.com" email address...I thought he was faking until I went to the webpage and verified it for myself.  Man, crack dealer's have their own domain name. This is really going to save time instead of having to drive all the way to the East side to get my fix.  
  I used to work in the kitchen of a restaurant. My bosses and I used to smoke pot after most weekend shifts, and sometimes before a few weekday shifts when there were no reservations and it was looking to be a slow night. One of the two bosses also happened to do coke. A lot of it, actually. To the point where he and another chef were routinely going into the bathroom to do blow during shifts. Then one day he "found god" and stopped doing blow. He was hard to deal with as is, but once he discovered religion and stopped doing coke he became intollerable, and a total bastard. I quit when I couldn't put up with him any more. The moral of the story? Drugs are better than god.  
  Walking to the train station after my last class I see my train pulling into the station. Now then, I don't particularly want to wait another 15 minutes for the next train to come by so I start jogging up the sidewalk in hopes of catching the train before it leaves the station. My backpack is all jostling around and despite it all I try my damndest to get my cigarette lit with no luck at al.  Suddenly, my foot catches on a raised crack in the sidewalk and down I go. I skin up my hand and bang my knee pretty god... but the first thing I notice above all else is that I broke the cigarette I just bummed from someone at the college.  My day wrnt all to hell after that.  
   Silver-Tongued Devil  Beautiful lust-object Amanda answers the phone, thank goodness. I want to arrange when I'm going to come over and make her and her scary boyfriend dinner. I can hear them talk, and she comes back with a date and a time. Me: "Sean, are you there?" I want to see if he's on the extension. Amanda, quietly: "No, I'm the only one who can hear you. Whassup?" I'm risking my life, literally. Me: " I get stiff just talking to you. " She screams with delight, just like she did when I told her I'd stolen a pair of her panties last time I was over. I hear Sean asking what's so funny, so I give her a cover story by reminding her of a Scottish sheep joke I told her once. Amanda, eagerly: "O.K. See you soon!" No way am I going within a yard of her while he's alive, unless he gets a life sentence next time. I hang up and reach for my zipper...  
  So I`m doing the whole switch the kid over to my ex-wife gig at the local Ryan`s resterant last night when I run into an ole` friend from highschool that I had lost touch with.  Back in the day she (and a few other girls) had convinced me to join thier wiccian cult (I thought I would get laid and I thoght wrong they all played for the other team).  So I point out my ex-witch and joking ask if she could either break her heart or curse her existance. She kinda looks shocked at me and procedes to tell me that not olny is she happily married and currently pregnant(she wasnt showing) But that she also now teached kindergarden at a local christian school  My responce " No Shit, thats pretty fucked up. "  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roommate sophomore year was a chronic masturbator.  i never suspected until she confessed the next year, because she was this short, plump, virginal, anal-retentive, prim and proper goody goody whom no one would ever suspect. however, junior year she came clean about all the times she skipped class to go home to take care of business, and one instance when i'd innocently asked from the top bunk, "why is the bed shaking," to hear her say, "i just scratched my leg."  but no, she'd been trying to masturbate while i was in the top bunk!!!! last week my other friend and i were laying out, in graphic detail, a fantasy we both have involving two men we know.  in the fantasy, they are in prison, and one of them starts to jerk off.  as i was describing the scene, i mentioned that he would of course get out of the bunk bed to masturbate, so as not to sketch out his roommate.  it took us a few minutes to realize that this (albeit imaginary) hardened convict had a certain sense of decency that my roommate hadn't found worthwhile.  
  a woman walked up to me once and said "nice pants", like the commercial.  what in the hell is that?        
  The note card read something like: "blah, blah, blah,and oh yes - Grandma W is in a coma."  I tacked it to the door of my dorm room 'cause I didn't think anyone else got letters from home like that.         
  "gin and tonic," i said, trying not to look the bartender in the eye.   he nodded. as he reached for the gin, he paused.   i held my breath.   "didn't we go to high school together?"   my jig was up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  hes coming onto her with the full court press they are playing pool and hes giving her pointers and lots of plastic nice shot and good leave crappy praise she is dropdeadheartstopping ill give him that much but this groovycondoguy act sucks whale then as if god agreed she winds up to take a shot  and poinks the cue butt into his ballsack just hard enough  to drop him to his knees fake through that condoguy  
  on my way from the bathroom i become ensnared in a human traffic jam, one which i am not in the mood to fight. i decide instead to chat up some people who were sitting around a table, mainly as a way to edge into a seat of my own. two men and a woman, the men dressed in all black, the woman in a pinstripe suit. the woman is deep in conversation with her companion on the couch, so i start talking to the man in the armchair. introductions are made. 'she's australian,' armchair man tells me when i am introduced to the woman.  we chat. bland new media jabbering, mostly, and while he is gesturing about the online advertising industry i notice the simple gold band on his left hand.  the australian woman leans over to him and yells, 'I WANT YOU TO COME IN MY HAIR TONIGHT, LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT.' his eyes widen, and he glances at me. she leans into him, her long straight hair covering half his face. 'i'm his WIFE, you see,' she says, smiling archly at me. she has big teeth. the man manages a weak eyebrow-raise.  and then she takes another sip of scotch. i take this as my cue to leave.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My casual "how's it going?" launched the stranger into a five-minute rant about his bad experience at a party the night before. He concluded with: "... And the worst fuckin' part was, I'd done so much fuckin' drugs and alcohol last night, and I wasn't fucked up at all.  And I was like, 'What the fuck?! I'm not doin' this for my fuckin' health!!'"  
  Ah yes, liberty call in Thailand.  My buddy and I hear about the bar with the best "freak shows" in town and decide to swing in and check it out. For those who aren't in the know, a freak show is where "disreputable girls" performs unatural feats with their pussies, like smoking cigarettes, counting out change, or shooting darts through a straw.  As the night wears on, a girl prances out onto the stage carrying a very large brandy snifter with a couple inches of dirty water in the bottom.  We are all expecting her to piss or shit in it for the crowd, but no.  She dances around the stage for a bit, then straddles the snifter, squats, and then..  wait for it...  wait for it...   ...proceeds to drop live goldfish and baby turtles out of her pussy into the snifter.  Even the saltiest of us were stunned into silence.  One of the goldfish actually bounced off the lip of the glass and landed on the stage.  All the girls rushed to "save" it.  My buddy commented that the girls had probably just prevented an earnest suicide attempt.  Travel the world, experience foreign culture, GO NAVY!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I will never ever make the mistake of going to Europe with my grandparents.  They insist on Mexican food EVERY meal. Do you know how hard it is to find a Mexican restaurant in rural Luxembourg?   
  At that moment, the view of San Francisco was beautiful.  Too bad the stench of urine obscured the view.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just realized that I've done the rusty trombone.   Twice.  
  Getting caught smoking ganja in the church parking lot on Sunday morning.  We thought it would be ironic.  Either way, it was certainly classic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I fondle my breasts while I'm reading Lowbrow.        
  ********** the most awkward feeling ********** ever play strip poker at a friends house? of course, nothing wrong with that  but then, all of the sudden those 4 beers catch up with you and you hafta pee like no other you grab a a blanket or a cushion off the couch and try to cover your naked body as you run to the bathroom and lock the door, throwing your covering to the ground you flip the light switch and turn to see your naked body reflected in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors covering an entire wall and suddenly your mind realizes i am naked!  and this is not my house! holy shit maybe i should just have more one-night stands  i bet that would kill that awkward feeling  
  So I'm making myself a frozen pizza in the oven. It's one of those Red Baron ones that take a couple of minutes to cook.  What better way to pass the time other than looking at some porn and entertain myself?  I had completed my porn viewing session awhile before the pizza finished baking. I went downstairs when the buzzer went off, cut the pizza, and started the journey back to the computer.  As I'm walking down the hall, I felt something cold in my pants. I put my hand in there and pull it back out to find...  My penis had decided it didn't want to stop ejaculating.  As I'm looking at the semen, a little bit of it falls off my finger and into the piece of pizza I had so whole-heartedly waited for for a half hour.  This is why we don't masturbate before we eat.  
  SO - when I lowbrow at work (like right now) I like to send the better moment to one of my coworkers on MSN. He usually laughs and tells me I rock or some shit.   So today, I send him a message, and my boss replies! LOL, he says, and calls me a weirdo.   WHEW! Says I, as I look at the moment I accidentally sent to him and not my friend. GOOD THING THAT WASN'T PORNOGRAPHIC OR SHIT-FILLED!  
  I was screwing my wife one hot afternoon, my balls were going slap, slap, slap against her butt... then I felt this furry thing against my leg... it was too late to stop, though... suddenly the cat lunged, sinking its razor sharp claws deep into my testicles... I jumped straight into the air and screamed...  My wife couldn't stop laughing for hours...   The next day I was backing the car down the driveway when I felt a 'thump, thump'... it was the cat... served him right!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm on the highway, looking through the back window in front of me, at the rearview mirror, from which a dreamcatcher hangs, and I'm thinking:  As if falling asleep at the wheel wasn't bad enough, what kind of nightmares are you trying to drive away by hanging a dreamcatcher in your car?  
     The four of us headed out for a night of gentlemanly entertainment, my expectations high on account of figuring it was one of my last chances as a free man. Unfortunately the Chicken House had been restaffed since my last excursion there, and there were only a couple of lookers dancing that night, mixed in with some flabby Slavic guttersluts.   Things went from bad to worse when the main event came onstage and started shooting ping pong balls all over the goddamn place.   We were just a couple of young men, looking for something to fire up our libidos for the night, and this is what we get, a worn out looking bottled blonde nerf gun? We all sat there for several awkward minutes, sharing the same posture of preperation, awaiting the moment we may have to dodge one of those mucous covered plastic spheres or risk catching god knows what.   At Scott and Matt's suggestion decided that things had run so far afoul that our only salvation would lie in returning to Hub City to hit up the bars, treat some women like objects, and maybe get into a fight.   What you have to understand here is that Scott and Matt do not drink. Ever. It was that bad.   Hours later my legal advisor and comrade in arms is struggling with the brakes of my large American automobile as I sang Johnny Cash and bloodied my knuckles against the roof, all the while explaining to me how the doctor wanted him to get a barium enema because he hasn't been shitting right since getting that ballerina trashed down in Costa Rica.  
  i want 1,798 boobs   - madcap@pot.com  wow, that's either 899 chicks, or a helluva lot of medical waste..... or possibly 449 and 1/2 dogs.... how many boobs does a dog have?.... is it lowbrow to spend 20 minutes trying to find the answer to that on the web?  
  I'm on the toilet reading lowbrow, trying to get that last fucking cling-on off my anus when it all becomes clear:  I need a squid ass!  An ass with a retractable squid-like beak that opens to let the shit flow, and snaps shut leaving shit on the inside, and a smooth, hard boney surface that can easily be wiped clean on the out side.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We're at this crowded movie theatre and my buddy needs to take a whiz.  He goes into the men's room, and after a moment's thought, I realize that I have to go, too.  So I walk in and see that all the urinals are full, except for the one next to my bud.  Anyway, I walk up to the empty urina and unzip my fly.  Of course, being a guy in a public restroom, my bud doesn't say anything and just stares straight ahead.  So, in the relative silence of all these guys whizzing, I calmly peer over at my buddy and say admiringly in really loud voice, "NICE WEINER!!!"    
  I've been playing with a staple in my mouth, and now my mouth is stuck shut.  Figure it out for yourself.  Well, nevermind, my jaws are stronger than a staple.  Whew, that's a relief!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a bunch of songs mixed onto a CD before our trip to Toronto.  It was a nice selection of half depressing/half uplifting songs.  Nothing can compare to the feeling of speeding down the NY thruway, shouting swears and flipping off a truck driver, while Louis Armstrong reminds us What A Wonderful World...  
  I have one disk of rather revealing pictures of myself.   The pictures are of my piercings.  one day i needed to save something to disk to take and print out in the computer lab...i can only find ONE disk  I was in a hurry, i left the disk.  half way through class i bolted back to the computer lab....people just stared...a few giggled....most guys just gazed over my body.    I could never tell if i was just paranoid, or whether they saw those pictures.    It was strangley exciting.    
  We didn't have Denny's where I grew up. But the NY equivalent is the 24-hour diner run by Greeks. The whole place is a smoking section, the waiter is a burly 40 year old with hairy forearms and you can order the best damn breakfast food for less than 5 dollars at any given hour.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         every time I buy new batteries for my vibrator I am reminded of the sales girl's words:  "use generic brands only.  anything brand name is too strong, it'll short it out."  I just can't help wondering what it would be like to electrocute yourself with a vibrator.   what a way to go...  
  Didja ever notice how the SF Municipal Railway Fare Inspectors have uniforms (and postures) that are extremely reminiscent of the nazi brown-shirts?   Make ya wonder...      
  It started as one of those days where you wake up and everything is right in the world.  While listening to some good music I fell into a zen state, total bliss.  Then I made a run for the bathroom, bliss gave me the shits.  What a fickle lady.  
  The cats have the lovely habit of leaving bird parts on my doorstep. Icky, bloody, mangled birdparts.  This wasn't really a problem until my favorite neighbor to torment moved and now I have to load up the bird in the car and drive over to her house in order to follow procedure and leave it in her mailbox.   
  I had sex on Friday.  Then on Saturday I had sex with a different guy.  I didn't change my bra.  Should I feel bad about that?  I also didn't change my shirt or pants.   Fuck, sometimes it's just way too much work to find new slutty clothes to wear.  
  So it's the Friday afternnon of the 2003 blackout and my apartment still has no power, water, a/c so I go to my office where power is now up to take a shit and cool down etc.  There's no public transport so I cycle downtown. Except there's nowhere to chain my bike, so I try to take it into the building, only to be told I'm not allowed. A long pathetic argument ensues with the building manager and in the end he wins, so I call him a fucking little prick.  He loses it at this point and tells me that he going to report me to my superiors. I say "Sorry for calling you a fucking little prick - but if you hadn't acted like a fucking little prick then I wouldn't have had to call you a fucking little prick."  I then tell it's fine to report me becasue I shall do the same to him and he's a fucking nothing who should lose his job over this.   Fifteen minutes later, he's in my office apologising profusely. He's been up all night trying to sort things in the blackout and was a little tired when we argued etc.  Guess I was the fucking little prick.  
  after my mom died i had the hardest time masturbating, for fear she was watching me from above.  now i just lay on my stomach when i jerk off.  
  I finally got cable internet.  Holy shit.    Me to Jason:  Dude I'll be downloading so many fucking movie trailers - Ill be a trailer whore."  Jason:  Not to be confused with trailer trash.  
  I paid an (ex)girlfriend to shave her bush. Cash dollars. She made me pay for every lay until it grew back.  
   Ya just never know when it is going to creep up on you..The wierdness.    I was minding my won business in line at a Wall mart of all places behing some fat woman and her snott encrusted snotling of a child.    He had a coloring book and an (already)open box of crayonsthat I can only assume mommy moo-moo intended to pay for.    The little guy lifted a green crayon and placed it against my bicep- comparing the color of the crayon against the tribal pattern that covers my arm.     In a flurry of inspiration I snatched the crayon and shoved it in my mouth, chewing it several times and then spitting the damp crayon paper back at him.     The kid stopped crying and began to appreciate that whole "I'll give you something to cry about" thing that his mom probably said to him a thousand times yet never enforced.    If it was the Amazon or Mad Max or something I would have probably eaten HIM.  He got lucky. Most kids are born lucky and it wears off with time.        
  Senior year of college.  After 8 or 10 years of clandestine masturbation (sneaking the porn into and out of the bathroom).  Out drinking with friends. Roommate says, "yeah so, [blank]'s girlfriend found some of your Playboy's in the bathroom.  Why ya got porn in there [heh, heh, heh]?"  [catharsis]  I reply "Why do you think, dumbass?"   Wondering the rest of my life why we go through shame for that in puberty.  EVERYONE does it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         vulgarity may be the crutch of the inarticulate or it may be an effect tool for emphatic punctuation in an age where love and great and beautiful and awesome are words trivialized by madison avenue con artists trained in the arts of psychology and sociology who attempt to manipulate the poor and idiotic masses thats you and me into purchasing inferior garbage we neither need nor want  it can extrapolate a certain anger at the eternal degredation of the capital i ideals that humans attempt to hold as constants it can be a wailing into the wind of global homogenization as one by one each individual is slowly effaced leaving nothing but a consuming mass of hellokitty blank stares and meaningless smiles but personally i think vulgarity is an unparalleled way to vent the anger that would otherwise find its way to fists thereby causing a meltdown of the fragile pseudo fabric known as society so swear on mothafuckah exclam thank you for your patience       
  One of life's myths:  "What are you thinking about?"  "...nothing."  
  once, in my more foolish days, we called the number for free tickets to the jerry springer show. was up all night on acid, smoking much. morning came, and my brother (who got the tickets) wasn't moving, so my friend and i decided to take his ticket and his minivan and we left for chicago. i woke up halfway there to the sound of a semi horn, it's giant front wheel inches from the van. i was driving, and swerved to safety. we made it. the amount of makeup jerry wears while doing his show is grotesque. we were too hung over to stand and applaud when we were supposed to. we saw a fat lady's tits. people cheered. i wanted to go home.  
  I have been chewing on the same straightened paper clip in my office for the past 4 months.  I think I digested all the flaky metallic paint.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         two homeless men bashed each other senselessly on berkeley in boston breaths angry puffs in a struggle over a greasy brown bag one crashed the other falling he lifelessly reliquishing the sack eyeing me defensively he jammed his dirty paw into his drooling gape spitting black sludge shrieking he yeeled to me  it serves me right         
   Listen Closely, Little Grasshopper...  Fairly fresh off the boat, driving home from work on Lawn Gisland in my virgin classic Volvo 122S (dating from before they became "boxy, but safe"). I'm finally getting comfortable living in America. The light changes, and I go to turn left onto the LIE ( L awn g I sland  E xpressway). I wait for the car* at the other side of the light to go, but it just sits there. And sits there... I finally assume she's still got a red, so I start into the turn. She suddenly wakes up and floors it, smashing right into me. She: "Oh, God! I'm sorry! I must have been daydreaming! I noticed the light was green and just went! I've messed up your lovely old car, I'm so sorry. What can I do to make it up?" Me, groaning quietly: "It's OK. It's fixable. Are you all right?" I give her a hug to help her stop shaking. We exchange insurance info and part amicably.  Two weeks go by. Get a letter from my insurance company. They enclose a letter from  her  insurance company: "Mrs [deleted] claims Mr [Limbo] turned into her lane when the light was green. She has provided letters from two witnesses to the accident. We have verified them. "She demands full payment for repairs to her vehicle, and in addition [some extra shit added on]..." Weird. There must be some misunderstanding. She'd given me her phone number, so I called. She: "Hello?" Me: "Hi! I'm the guy you hit..." She: "Oh! Wait a moment..." (Muffled whispering) He: "Now listen closely, you immigrant roadhog..." Oh, I guess I remembered it wrong. It wasn't "little grasshopper" at all! It was "you immigrant roadhog." And the  real  LowBrow? After 25 years here, I still mostly trust  that people mean what they say...  ------------------------------------   *An AMC Pacer, fresh off the showroom floor. Yup, the same car that Wayne 'n Garth sang along to &quot;Bohemian Rhapsody&quot; in.   
   adhesive  carburetor cleaner  drain cleaner  furniture polish  glue  hair permanent and straightener  nail glue and polish remover  oven cleaner  opaquing (correction) fluid  paint solvent, thinner, and reassemble stripper  photographic and glide copying chemical  pool acid and expand outward chlorine  silver and other metal polishes  waterproofing sprays   
  I have a poster by my bed of Captain Kirk (digitaly altered to be giving a thumbs up in the picture)  If I'm doing a girl doggy style...I look at Captain Kirk  "thumbs up"  I chuckle a bit,  "right back atcha cap'n"!  
  If you want some creepy shit, look out for CE.  ||||||    ||||||    /         / |         |  |         ||||||| |         | \         \  ||||||    ||||||  there, like that.  once you start looking for that, you see the goddamn thing everywhere. escalators. calculators. baseball card packs. audio equipment. video game consoles. chairs. it is scary shit. watch out for it.   y'know, that CE thing is the reason i still have to shoot up regularly.  
  As I sat on the toilet unable to complete my bowel movement I realized that eating extra extra spicy Cajun Chicken Pasta with 3 times the jalopenos after consuming a serving of mashed potatoes, a baked potato and french fries was a really, really bad idea.  
  All through school I was the chick that you just "didn't" date.  Was I ugly? Hell yeah.  All the guys that I had crushes on I have been recently seeing again, the ones who made fun of me in school.  All I ever wanted was to be "popular" to "fit in".  Now they go out of their way to talk to me, and what do I think?  God I'm glad I wasn't popular or I'd be a fat ole ugly alcoholic too.  Karma at it's best.        
  A guy I know - a former friend - has a picture of himself taken while riding Mantis, the stand-up coaster at Cedar Point. Round about June, Cedar Point becomes infested with these big, long-legged bugs, and Mantis just happens to be built over some swampy water, which the bugs seem to love.  Picture my friend, front row of the ride, mouth open as he whoops with excitement. Enter bug. The flash of the on-ride camera captures this moment for eternity: my friend, eyes bugging out with horror, hand clapped over mouth as his cheeks puff out like Satchmo blowing a trumpet solo.  When an image like that pops up on the monitors in the ride photo booth, you really can't not buy it, can you?    
  My friend and I had drunk ourselves retarded one night. We'd drunk until the last subway was leaving. Big mistake.  I unno, if you know this, but after your first piss of the evening, you've basically 'broken the seal'. So, here we are, on the last subway knowing full well that we can't get off or we'll be totally fucked in the middle of Toronto.  We manage to hold it in until the last stop and which point we basically pushed over old ladies to rush up to the bathroom only to find it locked. My friend runs to the corner of the subway station when I tell him there's a camera pointing at him.  We bolt it outside and my friend spots a little knock with doors that don't have handles. It's like 1:40 in the morning no one around. So, he runs to it and starts pissing before he stops. I follow behind him waiting to piss as well. Just as a huge puddle of piss starts leaning up against one of the doors, it opens up and there's a young female standing there with piss now swimming at her feet. He's in mid-flight with no stopping. "Oh, this is good. This is really good. Why didn't you use the damn bathroom downstairs?" I think only I understood his drunken answer.  I pissed in the bushes around the corner. Safely.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i guess i must have been no more than 14 years old (wasn't THAT long ago) and i was at a friend's house, with another friend as well.  we wanted to rent a movie, so her mom drove us to the store.  i don't remember what we rented, but i remember taking a long time. then, as we were leaving, i see this mother, yank her kid from her car, and start pulling him with her as he's crying.  she's putting her hand up, as if to threaten to hit him, and i'm just watching this, completely disgusted.  as i open my door, i shout behind my shoulder "IT'S A CHILD! NOT AN ANIMAL!" well, psycho mommy heard me, and gives me the finger, still towing her child by the collar of his shirt.  i just shrug it off, and my friends and my friend's mother all look at me like, wow... i can't believe you said that (they were all thinking the same thing mind you).    the lady with the kid then starts to stomp over to the car and proceeds to knock on my window, challenging me to a fight.  everyone else in the car is wigging out, and my friend's mom rolls down her window to say get lost, but she's on the opposite side, so it does no good.  the woman's just hitting the window and i'm just freaking out. then my friend's mom abruptly pulls out of her space, leaving the crazy lady screaming and yelling like a child.  i still don't know why she got so offended.  i was merely pointing out her public display of shitty parenting.  not MY fault she was in a bad mood.  but come to think of it, i probably did light the fuse on that one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A Drive-Thru Adventure...  Me: Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order? Him: Yeah, I'd like a number 6, no cheese, extra pickle, with an orange drink. Me: Is that all? Him: No.  I'd like a 6 piece nugget with that. Me: Anything else? Him: Yeah, your number. Me: ...  
  right now i am using my naked girlfriend's boob as a mouse pad  i love my life  
    truth is i dont want the truth said he to me his girlfriend had attempted to ride me like a pony while i slept the sleep of drunks i woke up freaked and shoved her to the floor where she dislocated her finger and screamed waking the whole house i looked at him and realized that i really didnt want to explain it either burbon is great protection from the truth said i the makersmark disappeared so quickly it was like throwing pinnochio in a wood chipper   
  My brother joined a fraternity in college.    Shudder.    One of his hazing requirements was to join the boys in a round of "century club".  But since he did not drink beer at the time, his other option was whole milk.  He made it to shot number 98 before vomiting.  
  for one summer when life was truly in shambles, my roommate and i neglected to buy toilet paper. i wiped my ass with pages from the phone book.  months later, while trying to look for a job, i realized that the "temp agencies" section of the yellow pages had been torn out.   dammit.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's not original, but I've found the best way to deal with the telebotherers is to ask them if they can hold on just a second I just gotta -- then set the phone down and just walk away...   (A friend mine claims he went to the store for a half hour, came back, started watching TV, then grabbed the phone to make a call and the fuckstick was still on the line.)   
  i'd look at naked pictures on the internet on the family computer when i was in middle school.  when dad would come in i'd just flip the switch and turn off the computer.  It sure fooled pop, but the ol power mac didn't last long.  
        She told me her lips were so full cos she shoots up through her lips. I knew she couldn't pay me enough to kiss her. That's the last friendsfriend i go to dinner with.   
  A disgruntled female customer once threw a box of chicken at Curtis.    She exclaimed " these aren't chicken wings these are FUCKIN' CHICKEN DICKS!!!"   Everytime I order wings I think of that...     
  dear xerxes the great pillow shreddings for inmates is far far too high a pedestal to place this verbal diarrhea but thanks for the props xoxo sorry  
  If sexual intercourse with someone you care about is "making love", then is masturbating with self loathing "making hate"?  Maybe not but at times it sure has that feel to it.  
  5:30 in the goddamn morning, and that stupid bitch across the street has her car stereo cranked up and the doors open while she is still in the house getting ready for work. Like you have to warm up the sound system or something... uh huh. I'd had enough, so I snatch up the baseball bat and stomp across in my pajamas, ready to kill. "Look!" I scream into the house through the screen door. "I can hear your shit all the way over there. Turn it down NOW!" She scampers outside, turns it down, and retreats back into her house, saying not word one. "Who knew I could be so scary?" I said to my husband as I crawled back into bed. "She didn't say a thing." "Hon" he points out. "Your top is totally unbuttoned." Free show and no bloodshed... bitch got off easy this time.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My hair stinks. I can feel it brush across my  face - soft, and bright - I love the copper red. But it sure does stink.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once, when I was little, I was outside playing in my yard when a fly flew across the yard and right into my ear.  The funny thing is, I could see it coming, and I remember thinking, strangely, "I hope that fly doesn't go into my ear".  Anyway, it flew right into my ear and burrowed deep inside, into the inner ear.  He was still alive, and buzzing around.  Needless to say, I freaked out.  I ran inside and told my parents, who briefly examined me and then told me it was all in my head.  What was in my head was *!^@#*ing fly!!  Well, it wasn't really their fault; the fly was so deep in there that you couldn't see him and if someone had told me that a fly was stuck in *their* ear I can't say for sure that I'd believe them.  I could still hear him buzzing, and feel him wiggling in there, so after about 15 minutes of trying to convince myself that it WAS all my imagination, I gave up.  He was DEFINATELY in there.  So I plugged up my nose super-tight and and squeezed my lips shut, and blew as hard as I could.  I nearly shattered an eardrum, but the fly was expelled, and flew around the room.  My parents saw this little fly come spewing out of my ear, and their jaws just about hit the floor.  I think insects have it in for me.  
  Having showed up late we ended up in the second row.  I had to crane to see the screen and accidentally knocked over a little girls soda.  She was in the front row.  "I'm sorry" I said and ran to the concession booth.  Though I had not a dime I told the girl at the counter the story and she gave me a free soda.    Not wanting to miss anything I raced back into the theater - down the aisle and to the front row where I prompty slipped in the spilled soda - landing on my back and dumping the second soda all over me.  When I stood up, the audience applauded.  
  After a hard game of floor hockey, my socks were drenched with sweat.  As the social college trend goes, you propped your door open when you were around (and not masturbating).  Now, the door is maybe 3 feet wide, and it doesn't take a physics major to know a person walking by is only visible (and able to look in the room) for a split second.  In that split second, a guy I never talk to who lives on my floor saw me take a big whiff of the ol' sweat-sock.  Damn.  
  4 out of 5 dentists surveyed agreed that fifth one was a real prick.  
  I was 5 and I decided to put my little sister (3) in a box and give it a good shove down the stairs.  She screamed all the way down until the box caught the last stair and flipped her out.  She cried and my father, the supervision for the day came running. She told on me; but not because I had shoved her down the stairs in a box -- it was because I had done so without letting her adjust herself comfortably. Kids are resilient; you could probably drop one out of a moving vehicle and they'd just bounce right on back.  
  last night i had a dream i caught my wife in the bathroom making her pussy all wet.  i said, janie, why the hell are putting the cat in the toilet?  
     mwuu: look i just typed like sorry i must be cool now sorry: no you must be a dick now mwuu: how uncharectoristically lacking in wit sorry: i hadda dummy it down ya know playing to the audience as you have been the previous thirty odd years of you life  my tongue stapled to the bar i gaped  dont sound like a great comeback but to never get ripped on by the sorry bastard (whilst dishing it out to him regularly) and for him to hit it on the head--the thing i feared the most in my life (at that point) with such glib elan made me pay the tabs of the next thirty six (exactly) places at which  we (he, his wife and I) ate and drank  pokepoke nuclear radiation blast still havent recouped       
        If they had just gotten up the balls to kill Gilligan, they'd have been off that fucking island 3 days.  
  i watched my friend wait to order a drink at the bar in Flanagan's. another guy sideled up next to him.  they wait. the guy leans over to my friend, who's there 'cos he heard its a great place to pick up drunk women, and whispers something in his ear. my friend doesn't hear him and says "what?" loud enough so i can hear him across the bar. another whisper. another "what?" but much louder. then the guy lands a big ol sloppy wet kiss on his lips. i shoot beer out my nose laughing so long my stomach hurt for days.       
  my grrlllfriend likes me to chew her nipples like crunchy nuggets  
  so i was sitting in my psychology class waiting with the hundreds of other mindless drones for the prof to show up. I was feeling tired so i decided id spend some quality Z time while i waited apparently i was really tired because 2 point 5 hours later i awake to the smiling face of my professor. the class is empty and i realize ive slept through the entire lecture. i apologized repeatedly and he said it was alright, at least i was there and maybe i got some of it in my sleep. then he laughed and handed me a printout of the powerpoint presentation from the class, for which i love him dearly.  then i proceeded to collapse to the floor and we shared a riotous laugh as i read aloud the topic of the day's class... "The Psychology of Sleep."  
  Went to the Proctologist to discuss a problem with my "secret stool area" and learned that  the pollops that I thought  were dangling were actually warts I had contracted. An exam was in order,  and of course the position required of me for said exam  left me "prone", to say the least,  but you may imagine my horror and humiliation when I actually felt a strong surge and emitted the most foul-smelling of toxins into the atmosphere of the examination room. I still shudder to think of it.  
  My friend Tiffany told us all one day that she was quitting smoking.  We thought it was great.  "You go girl," I said, as I took a hearty drag from my Marlboro.  "I'm not going to buy another pack of cigarettes at all... that will help me quit," she says.  Yeah fucking right... all she does now is constantly ask ME for cigarettes.        
  So, it's another boring night spend hanging out in the room of the guy's across the hall from me. They're playing a video game, as always, and thankfully to break up the monotony of watching bad guy #361 get shot in the head, one of their friends comes over.  I instantly think 'Fresh Meat'. (My school is at least 90% female)  He's hot, I'm horny, he's horny. And hell, this is college, I'm allowed to have at least one sexual tryst.  A few flirtations are exchanged, I give him a nice back massage, and after his friends so kindly suggest what we should do, he grabs a condom as I walk across the hall to my room.  We start messing around, and I'm thinking that this guy has to be pretty well endowed. He's a football player, afterall, and at least a foot taller than me.  He wasn't.  And as if the whole thing ending in 10 minutes, I finally got a good look at the condom as he went to go flush it.  It was pink.  Sad thing is I don't really remember his name. He'll forever be known as 'Pink condom guy'.  
  Girl: I dunno whats wrong with me, maybe my pills Dad: What are you doing? Girl: Im doing cocaine Dad: needle or snorting?  I so incredibly hope other people's families are filled with as much sarcasm as mine.  
  Friend: What should I drink when I'm skiid up?  Ur the scientist here. Me: Coffee. ... Other friend later: Why would you tell her that?! Me: To teach the crazy bitch a lesson.   
   Vigilante Of The Parking Lot #4  Boring day. High point is supermarket shopping. Whoop-De-Fucking-Doo. Driving out of the lot, I notice a car cutting across the parking lanes at high speed, straight towards me. If I don't change my speed, he'll hit me. I don't change my speed. He angles his car to pass behind me. I hit reverse and block him. He angles is car to pass in front of me -- I drive forward and block him. I don't like people driving in random directions across busy parking lots at high speeds -- children could be killed. Guy gets out of his car: "Whatthefuck? Don't you know who  I am? " I stick both of my hands in my mouth and feign terror: "Omighod! Are you somebody  special?  I had no idea!" He gets the sarcasm. So does my 4 year-old, who chortles away, increasing the guy's humilation. Very satisfying encounter. Anyone who has children will immediately get the actual LowBrow moment here:  You do not take on morons like that with a 4 year-old in the car!   
  At the concert, while my girlfriend was dancing in front of her watching the band, her awesome ass was grinding up and down on my cock behind her. I'm sort of out of the loop these days, so does she want to fuck me or is that just how people dance now?  
  My sixth grade math teacher yelled, "If you don't be quiet I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you with the bloody stump!" It was almost funny, but I opted to stop talking when I realized he was yelling at me.  
  I discovered during random surfing that a former boyfriend who had been quite an asshole to me was posting his "artwork" on a free artists site. Consequently, by portraying himself as a hunky, sensitive, Gothy guy, he'd collected a few lady admirers. I emailed each and every one an old picture I had of him taken in his addicted-to-D&D phase, paunchy, pasty-white, sitting hunched over at a table in his busted-out-the-crotch shorts, wearing a wizard's hat and rolling D20 with other geeks.  Oh, Tony, whose past is too unsavory now?   
  ...and when I heard some shitty country music band from bumfuck Idaho playing Pink Floyd's "The Wall" country-stlye ("mother do ya think they'll drop the bomb...etc.") I knew I had pretty much hit rock-bottom as a heavy metal bassist.  
  I read that the Australians built the largest fence in the world, it goes thousands and thousands of miles. They built it to keep out rabbits.  Who runs that country anyway?  Elmer Fudd?  
   Taking a glance around the room, my eyes fell upon the upturned bottle of Mexican beer.  All i could see of his face was the underside of shin and with a backdrop of light, curly hair. He continued to hold the bottle to his mouth until the entire bottle was emptied, glug, glug down his throat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  So I've been nursing the two quarter and dime-sized rug burns I have on my back from having sex with my boyfriend against the back of the seats in my car for a few days now. I was trying on dresses for prom yesterday, found one I liked, but lamented that the burns showed, due to the dress's low-cut back. I knew I would have to show the dress to my mom before I could buy it, so I prepared the lie that I had been doing "excercises" on the carpet in my room and the towel I was laying on had slipped out from under me. The lie worked, I got my dress. Today, I was sitting in the computer lab during astronomy (reading lowbrows, incidentally, while Mr.B blabbered on about globular clusters). I sat back a little too hard in my computer chair, and knocked the scab off of the larger burn. It hurt like fuck. I turned around and lifted my the back of my shirt to Kenan sitting next to me and asked him if I was bleeding. He made an "ohmygodthatsdisgusting" face and asked what the hell I had done to my back in the first place. "Excercises." I doubt he bought it. So I left the class and ran to the bathroom to clean up the bloodiness on my back. The bathroom was empty except for one person in a stall, so I commenced to hike up my shirt and painfully blot at the wound. Then that one person came out of the stall. It was my english/yoga teacher. I explained to her just what the hell I was doing and she insisited on cleaning it up herself so that I wouldn't have to twist around.  "So what exactly are the scabs from?" "Excercises." Riiiight. So she cleaned me up and told me that I would probably need some neosporin and a band-aid and to head down to the nurse.  It just so happenes that the nurse is my friend anna's mom. I showed her my back and she set about spraying it with peroxide and bandaging me up. "Honey, what did you DO to your back?" ::ahem::"Excercises." it was sounding lamer and lamer. Later on I'm telling the story of that day's rug-burn fiasco to my boyfriend while we're walking across campus. He says loudly "That's DISGUSTING don't tell me about your bleeding rug-burns!! UGH!"  If I had any balls of all, I would've yelled "MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T BEEN FUCKING ME AGAINST THAT CAR SEAT SO DAMN HARD I WOULDN'T HAVE RUG BURNS ON MY BACK, ASSHOLE. IF IT'S ANYONE'S FAULT THAT MY BACK IS ALL BLOODY, IT'S YOURS!" and left him to explain THAT outburst to the everyone else walking across campus right then.  But instead I just silently distanced my path from his, my back still stinging, until he whined that I was running away. And I came right back to his side, like a puppy.  Somedays, I just think I should be shot in the foot for being so gutless.  
  I want to write a book called  Drinking Roads  by travelling across the country and asking people at bars how to get to my next stop without encountering any cops.  
  writing me a beer inspired poem 5 years ago does not mean i will remember your name today.  oddly, i will rememeber the worn, faded ring on you back jean pocket left by that nasty can of chew.  
  We decided to put some long-lasting candles on my dad's fourtieth birthday cake. He's had a lot to drink at this point, and tries to blow them out.  "There is an easier way to do this."  He stands on the chair and urinates on the birthday cake. My little brother started to cry.  Mom was laughing at what my dad did, but I was laughing at my brother crying.   
  Unemployment....I have two words for you 'gov-ment' my roommate said this morning.  he is a out of work programmer...we spent the day printing up a fake community college semester bill so he could hustle an extra $750 from his grandparents (on both sides!) whom belive he is still in college.  up to the washington metro area...combining my $750 with his we throw in and buy 150 tabs of exctasy...I am a programmer that works for a defense contractor and I work from home...I check my email at 4pm...write 9 hours on my time sheet...and call it a day - I love you American Military Industrial Complex - you pay my bills and don't even administer drug tests...I have two words for you 'gov-ment'!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was a vegetarian at one point.  then one day i wasnt.  wanna know why?  Fuckin' mcgriddles.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I feel badly." Do you?  Are your nerves separated from your brain, meaning that you can't feel anything, you brain dead moron?   Stop trying to sound intelligent without really learning your grammar, assholes. Adverb does not equal adjective. This was my college professor that said "badly." I need to go to another school.  
  I was having sex with this guy who used to be in the Army.  They are a good type to fuck and my favorite because they are usually very aggressive and fuck hard.  He was really into it, and he bent me over on the couch (for doggy style) and says REALLY serious, "Assume the position."    Guys say some really lame shit during sex, but that had to be one of the lamest.  My search continues...  
  I've had my (then) girlfriends friend come by the bar and start making out with my GF just so we can skip out on the tab. In a bar full of lonely men, works every time. Hot Damn.  
  If it were up to you,   Would you want first dibs,  or last,  when it came to eating another human as an alternative source of food?  
  "i'll have the vegan sausage" "oh, we're all out of the vegan sausage." "ok, then just give me a plate of bacon." (b)  
  she ranted on and on for about 20 minutes. i knew she was interested by the way she would try to keep my gaze and try to get me to answer her horrible rhetoric. she was cute and hardbodied and interested but i really wasn't gonna put any effort in. she asked what i did for a living, you know, the conversation wore that thin and i told her i was a drunk, hoping that would give her a clue. "you're not a drunk", said she, piquing my buddy's interest as he sat next to me at the bar.  "yes I am!" i said with a bit too much vehemence. my buddy laughed so hard that he hurled on the bar. we got booted out of there and the girl drove us home.        
  My girlfriend and I were having sex on my sofa bed when it collapsed, wallet style.  
  somedays at work it feels like they are beaming their message right into my brain.    So now I crunch up aluminum foil up on my hard hat so the bastards cannot get in. "hah,hah you fuckers!" I yell.  As you can guess this gets me a lot of strange looks...        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bill Gates is OK.  Microsoft Office Products is OK.  Problem is with the company Information System (I/S) who continue to add all kinds of kinky software stuff to the servers making my job and thousands of others' jobs difficult.  The CEO says, "Be productive!"  Scuze me, but my time ain't cheap while trying to work within the company's slow.. slow... slow system. Others make 3x more than I. How is that productive?  I want so badly to retire.   
  So I'm in the cafe on my lunch break at work, checking out the drinks they have for sale in the cooler. There's some new fruit drink that comes in a variety of flavours/colours. In the bottom of each bottle is a white, cloudy substance. Jon points the drinks out to me, amazed at how each drink was. Then I look at the name on the lable. Seamans. They should've thought that one through a little more.  
  I was on the cable-car in San Francisco: you know, the one they charge more to ride than it'd cost to take a cab the same distance.  Anyway, it was nearly full so I ended up standing up, hanging off the side and trying to avoid knocking my head off on any cable-cars coming the other way.  The engineers seem to enjoy trying to kill people like me.    This had been a college trip, and I was on my 5th or 6th day of no sex, no masturbation, no female contact beyond my 40-some-year-old comp-sci professor and nothing interesting to look at since that dead sea lion Adam found on the beach at Monterey.  It came as quite a shock to me, but a pleasant one, then, when I noticed the fairly attractive middle-aged blonde woman sitting on the car face-to-nuts with me groping her way up my leg.  I'm glad I was wearing a long jacket.  Eventually a seat cleared up, and I felt more than a little rejected when my leg-rubbing saviour suggested I take it.    
  If you  1. Have a cat. 2. Are wearing a tampon. 3. Are naked and on your way to the shower.  BEWARE!  
  I read somewhere that the average male attains his sexual prime at the age of 17 years and 4 months...  ...and retains it for 1 hour and 22 minutes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          he told me that he wasnt sure whether the paint fumes made him want to drink all day or the fact that anyone hes ever painted with was a drunk and it was state dependent learning i always thought it was just that he enjoyed drinking all day       
  She came to the dance in a really pretty silk wrap around dress.  She wasnt aware that one of the girls had part of the dress in her hand, admiring the fabric. until she turned to look the other way and ended up unwrapping herself from the dress and stood there in a bra and panties.  Man, those were the good 'ol days.  
  "you can't have children," my mother said. we were standing in the crib aisle at Toys-R-Us, killing time before a movie. "you can't have children because I refuse to get them plastic furniture."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  titles of poems over time...  18 - Her Beauty Mocks Me  20 - Whatever  21 - Wait  21.5 -  Fuck You, You Bitch  'nuff said        
  The Miralax Pen  My mother is a nurse. Miralax is a drug. Miralax is a drug that my mother, the nurse, uses on her patients. My mother, the nurse, goes to nursing conferences. Drug companies send sales representatives to nursing conferences. Braintree Laboratories is a drug company. Braintree Laboratories makes Miralax. Sales representatives bring pens with drug names on them to nursing conferences. Yomi is a computer engineer. Yomi s father is a computer engineer. Yomi s mother is a secretary. Drug companies don t care about computer engineers or secretaries. The Miralax pen is mine. Now shut up and get your hands off my property.   
  So this little Asian kid was washing dishes at the restaurant one day and he wanted an iced tea.  Being like 106 degrees back there I said sure.  I brought him a long island iced tea.  The kid was 15.  He pierced his ear with a crushed coke can than sang some weird Vietnamese song while wearing other crushed coke cans like jewelry.  They fired him two days later.  Every lowbrow I post my asshole status goes up by 3.  
  My roommate comes home the other night all freaked out because she saw some guy jerking off in the bushes as she walked past.  All I could think was, why does she get to see all the penises?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In high school, I was head cheerleader.  In college, I gave head while guys cheered me on.   I wish I could put both/either on my business cards.      
  i've always been amazed at the privacy people feel in their cars. picking one's nose is a most obvious result of this. and i thought that, without being outright lewd, one couldn't do much worse. then i saw a man driving while talking on his cell phone with one hand and picking his nose with the other.  i can only imagine he'd have been masturbating, too, if he'd had another arm. steering the car didn't seem to be a concern.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my ex-girlfriends had been raving for weeks about NEEDING to see Hell's Belle's, an all girl AC/DC cover band that was coming to town.  She got tickets and we headed to the show.  We stopped off at a bar below the venue for some warm-up beers.  This maybe 125# girl pounds three pints in short order.  We meet some of her friends and head into the show.  She grabs a round for everyone while the opening act plays, and pounds hers.  She continues to make laps back and forth to the bar until Hell's Belles comes on.  Two songs into the show she starts to walk off.  I ask her where she's headed.  She put her hand to her head and mumbles, "Bathroom..."  I follow and help her down the stairs.  She heads into the can, and as I wait outside I can hear her "talking to the toilet".  Ten or so minutes pass and the bathroom is silent.  I didn't want to intrude in "lady land", so I tapped the next girl who was headed in:   "Excuse me, could you please check on my girlfrind in there.  I think she's probably passed out in a stall."   "She'll be the one with the t-shirt that says 'PRINCESS' on it."  The drive home was another moment in itself.  
  It occurred to me that there is likely a slight but noticable temperature differential between a woman's vagina and her anus due to the heat produced by the metabolic processes of her intestinal flora, and that this might contribute to the fact that many men find anal intercourse more enjoyable than vaginal intercourse.  Now this would put some people off the act, but from a misogynist's standpoint, it has a certain appeal.  "I'm enjoying your intestinal flora as much as I'm enjoying you.  In fact, if you shit in this rubber glove, you can go home early."  I want to meet the guy that can think that, say it, and mean it.  I just don't want the creep anywhere near my sister.  
    Some cows give the best milk, but they kick the bucket.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My old roommate made an audio tape of my ex and I having sex then looped it and spliced it into a song.  Fucking little bastard.  Why can't I be that creative.  
  Today I'm wearing the sweatshirt I slept in and the pants I wore two days ago.  I'm clearly not trying to impress anyone in my classes, am I?    
  I just had a student in my office, complaining about the fact that the readings we are doing are making her expand her mind. She said:  He is way outside my box.  I like my box. I said:  But you are at college to expand your box. I then bit my tounge, but managed to keep a straight face.  
  3:30am listening to hip-hop(...vinyl of course...) and reading post-structuralist critical theory while on crystal meth.  for eight hours.    
  Watching the History Channel all day in a Barcalounger. Getting up and walking to the door every time you hear a car slow down, stop or the sound of someone's voice. Using the bathroom every 20 minutes. Complaining about your bowel movements. I've seen retirement folks. And it isn't pretty. Golden Years, my ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever taken a shit so big you had to wipe your balls?  I swear I saw God smiling down on me that day.  
  My friend has the annoying habit of saying "Wicked bad."   For some reason, hearing it come from her half-bitchy, half-whiny voice, is like having someone bite my nipple too hard.   So, naturally, my reaction is to wince and bear it.  
  In my old Boy Scout Troop our scoutmaster would bring a wide variety of crackers, cookies, etc. on camping trips. On the first night out we'd set up the tarp and sit under it around the lanterns and have "cracker barrel." We would often goad eachother into participating in various consumption contests, (a race to see who could drink the 12oz dixie cup of chocolate sauce the fastest, who could eat ten marshmallows the fastest, mixing things, etc.) many times I would reign victorious. One night I was talked into eating Easy Cheeze (from the spray can) on an oreo. And it was really good. This quickly became a standard food for our trips.   Fast forward four years:  I'm in Safeway. On the shelves at the end of the aisle I see deals on Chips Ahoy and Oreos. On the shelf between the two products are cans of Easy Cheese, no crackers in sight.   I can only hope that this delicacy has entered our modern culture.  
  My xmas bonus this year?  Some self-help books from my boss.  Fuck off, you sanctimonious asshat.  
  ouch she cried i told you it was going to hurt said he then the smackfinallyhitsthe junkiebrain smile slithers across her face he knew right then she was going to be trouble to get rid of        
  i'm on the D train going home, three in the morning, wishing i had more skills at meeting women.  we get to a stop in midtown. i'm cursing my life and wishing i had a different life.   an elderly man with a giant beard and overalls gets on at 7th avenue. he has on a giant brown beret. affixed to it is a homemade button with (in dot-matrix printer font):  ELVIS FUCKING LIVES  i smile and remember why i moved here.    
  "well aint that fat meat greasy?"  
  He wore tiny, tinted glasses low on his nose. His ocean-waved hair was linty and in need of a new perm. He was missing a tooth, and licked his lips constantly. His track suit was faded at the knees. He held a folded up section of a newspaper. As the  engine roared and the bus lurched from side to side, he tried to sell me a fake ass gold chain. "No", I repeated..."No." I got watches" "No." "I got earrings, gold earrings, a pretty lady like you needs earrings" "No. I know you got a stamp and stamped 14k on those chains. That shit is hella fake."  He gave me a dirty look, mumbled something under his breath, and got up to go sit somewhere else. He licked his lips, patted his hair, and waited for the next gullible looking person to board the bus.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once when I was driving through rural Kentucky I saw a farm.  In front of that farm was a sign that said "Used Cows For Sale".  I blinked and vowed for the sake of the large hairy dog in my car not to stop for another 100 miles.  
  roastedgarlicpizzabutt  
  My boyfriend came up to visit me for the weekend, and I drove him to the train station today to see him off. We got there really early and sat around waiting and talking and slowly getting used to leaving each other again, until the train pulled into the station. We went up on the platform, and the doors opened, and the conductor came and stood right outside the door, which was less than 3 feet away from where we were standing.   We quickly murmured our love and goodbyes and he leaned in to kiss me. My eyes closed, I breathed deeply into the kiss trying to hold onto the feeling of his lips. I knew I would lose it the second he was gone, it's one of those things in life that is too good to be able to recreate in your mind.   We looked up, less than a minute later, to see the train pulling out of the station. We ran alongside it, banging on the door, but it didn't stop. The damn conductor didn't even warn us or anything before getting back on and closing the doors.   Fuck you, LIRR. Fuck you for ruining one of the few true romantic movie moments in my life...  
  My boyfriend once threatened his best friend by saying: "If you do that, I'll rip off your scrotum." I go to thinking, if he did that, where would he put his testicles?   How uncomfortable would it be to wrap aluminum foil around those babies?  
  Fact:  Semen burns the shit out of your eyes.  - Discovered the day my fuck friend who liked to come all over my tits had bad aim.  
  Halloween------2000  At a friend's house. Im 18 and still a virgin, pretty much never around weed or binge type drinking, and I go to my friend's house where all of the above is going on.  So my costume is a large dog suit, a large St. Bernard to be specific. So I end up spooning with Mae West (girl I'd been trying to fuck for like 3 months). While we are spooning (on the cold hardwood floor with a some other kids fucking on the couch) I try making my move.   Little nipple fondling and titty squeezing. She's got 44DD, Im in heaven. I try to go for the pooty, it ain't happening, she's still in her costume and I can't reach. But I don't reach too much, I don't want to spoil it.  So getting little response from her, I fall asleep, on the cold hardwood floor. I wake up, she walks me to the door, and I leave..  So we are talking a few weeks later and Im like so why didn't you do anything on Halloween. And she's like what do you mean. So I tell her what I was talking about.  She was asleep. Nuff said.  
  There was a bumper sticker on the back of rig that said:  Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i can remember when i was younger and fighting with my sister.  my parents would break it up, an after a stern lecture they'd always throw in, "you should be nice to each other.  your sister will be your best friend some day." at ten, it seemed like bullshit to me. but then the other day, while laughing over a beer with her, she said to me, "phebes, i need dick BADLY." gee, my best friend was never that open with me in the entire seven years i've known her. maybe my parents were right.  
  Chris looked at Meggan and said, "I caught your boyfriend with his finger halfway up his nose."   She just blinked at him and said, "I can stick my finger up farther. Wanna see?"   
  I'd like a life that imitated life, not sterile, poorly-executed art.  
  If you lean back and drive with your arms low - pop open your mouth a little - it's pretty easy at least for a short distance to pretend your sleeping while driving.  In suburbia, mall parking lots - traffic lights - it can really be worth it.  
  I often ponder why my girlfriend dumped me.. And I always refer back to the last time she gave me head... I had just taken a shit beforehand. And, well you know when you don't wipe well enough you leave skid marks in your underwear... I left those skidmarks on her bed....  
  Inevitable:  Our aussie math prof was explaining trigonometric inetegration methods, with tangent and secant.  He says "cosine" "cozz" and says "secant" "sec".  Well, the methods in question involve the power of each function, how many "cozzes" or sines we have, odd or even.  The sixth and most powerful formula would work with "all the sex we can handle."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate getting in my car, driving to the store, about to ask a question, only to be beaten by the guy who calls the store from his house, forcing me to wait until he is done talking.  
  Nik's dad came home and ran into the kitchen, eyed us all suspiciously, climbed on top of the table, and smelled the ceiling. We sat around the spotless table, not breathing, not moving, speechless. "I CAN SMELL IT. WHO'S GOT THE WEED?" Old fucking joneser.  
  another college roomate story- same evil bitch, same fucking headache.   so she went out one day, and my boy-toy from a few floors down was over.  we were jerking around like a couple of pre-school kids, chasing eachother with cleaning appliances and such.  he got this wise idea to go in her panty drawer.   to my horror, he held up a pair of green-crotched, stank-ass, dirty undies. upon further investigation, all of them were in such condition.   under the pretense of 'not wanting this stuff in my house' and not just admitting to being a revenge-craving bitch myself, we strung them all on fishing line, and hung them from my 9th story balcony.   funny. she never asked me to pick up her laundry for her again.  
  A friend and I once got lost for six hours in southern Illinois (deep south, ya'll)while driving a massive U-Haul truck. We were going down the main street of a tiny town when drunken men on riding lawnmowers and tractors poured out from side streets brandishing squirtguns and 40's, wearing silly hats.  They cheered and waved at us as they went by, squirting the big truck with what I really hope was water, and continued on with their tractor race.  The driver looked at me and said, "Rachel, we're in hell."   
  My Christian room-mate always tells me that the touch of God is present in everyone, regardless of whether we acknowledge it.  He once asked me if I had ever experienced something like that in my life.  I told him I guess that is why atheist girls still scream "Oh my God" when you eat them out.  We don't really talk that much anymore.     
  She clung to her boyfriend's arm (poor boyfriend, he used to be cool before he became pussywhipped).  The other guys were picking on her, so she whined at me, presuming that - as a fellow female - I'd be sympathetic to her cause.  "Gen, am I a whore?"  "Well, do you get paid?"  "..No.."  "Then you're just a slut."  Girls are way too sensitive sometimes.  How can the rest of us expect equality when girls like that are bitching over a little burn?  Geez.    
  once this girl was on my arm and breathing down my neck. and said arent you in a band i said no   i dunno where she went to from there.       
  A restaurant in Beijing was recently indicted for an ingenious plan they had put into effect to ensure that their customers would give them repeat trade: they laced their food with narcotics...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         They asked me to put on some Tool, so I strode purposefully to the stereo and put some CD's in thinking how hot this was going to be.  Turning around I realized that I wouldn't be joining them.  Although I have done the whole three way thing before, I wonder what I might have done differently that time to make it happen.    On the other hand I did get to watch my girlfriend go down on another chick.   
  While making a short film compiled entirely of still photos, we walked into Safeway. The security officer informed us that we couldn't take photos on the premesis, and we'd have to leave.  Later, we had to go back. The photographer stood outside. The security asked me to leave anyhow.  Later, we were taking photos outside the San Francisco Bank of the Fourth Reich, bomb blast doors at the entrance, cement barriers surrounding the sidewalk so no truck-bombs could drive up. The cops asked us what we were doing. They asked us what it was for, and then let us continue.  Later still, we were waiting for the photos to be developed at the local Freddy's. A punk kid tried to walk out without paying for some chicken strips. The Freddy's SS were right on top of them.  Now, my point. Who should we fear more, the Fourth Reich that lets us take what ever pictures we want, or the supermarket superstores that won't let us do anything at all?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          What the fuck?  I couldn't even score with a chick in a wheelchair that night. Maybe she was just scared of some dude who would hit on a chick in a wheelchair...  
        I was standing in line at Chik-Fil-A while these two pimply faced boys behind the counter discussed going to see the Ramones.  I thought, hey, if I had got knocked up the night I first saw the Ramones, one of these little sh*ts could be my kid.    
  I get horny looking at the girl with the sunglasses on this page.  
  Haiku:  Angry Monkeys Fight Asses Glow Red With Fury Big Orgy Erupts  
  I once got a fortune cookie that read:  "You have just eaten some Chinese food."  
   Expert Driving  I'm a very good defensive driver. I usually know what other people are going to do before they do it. Which is why I was ready for the two nonchalont 16 year-old Kings Of The Universe wearing baggy pants with their butts hanging out, who wanted to cross the road in front of me just after the light turned green. I suspected they might want to play chicken with the pussy driving the white minivan, so when they stepped right in front of me, studiously not looking in my direction, I had plenty of time to stop before hitting them. 'Cept I didn't. I knocked both of them down very carefully, so that they wouldn't actually be injured (not much, anyway :-) They jumped up, outraged, and started kicking the shit out of my van, yelling "Hey! Watch where you're fuggin' goin'!" 'Cept I'd also noticed the cop standing at the intersection, who saw the whole thing, wrote them up for jaywalking, and asked me if I wanted to press charges for damage. Aah, I love teaching the young...  
  Aah, finally back in the friendly old BewPub again. Couple sit down next to me, with the guy between me and his vivacious, gorgeous woman, of course. We have fun talking for a while. He goes to the bathroom. Just for giggles, I try the old: "Quick -- we have about 2 minutes to lose him" line. She, laughing: "Not a chance. He just got back from 17 days at sea -- I'm looking forward to tonight." As her guy returned, she continued: "Besides you could never compete with a guy who stole a bottle of liquor for me." She went to the bathroom, and her guy explained that, on their first date, he indeed stole a bottle of liquor, but he expanded: "It wasn't  that  impressive. Promise you won't tell her -- I worked at the liquor store and had the keys..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just finished watching the "Glutton Bowl" eating championships on TV.  A man managed to eat 8 pounds of plain ol' mayonnaise.   Armageddon is a-commin'  you can bet on that.   
  Driving into work one morning, I saw a dead cat on the side of the road. A huge crow was munching on it, contentedly. "Ah," I thought. "Sweet revenge."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My roommate and I went through our dinky college/party town with a digital camera and some mardi gras beads yelling at guys to "show us your tits!!!"  Most complied.  Some even wanted to stop and chat.  This one guy was a little more compliant than I'd hoped for. He yells "SURE!" and lifts up his sweatshirt, and before we can get a picture, pulls his pants down to his ankles.  My camera has a bit of a delay, so we ended up with a full-frontal shot of some random guy. There were about 5 cops about 20 feet behind him.  We didn't notice until we were on the ground laughing.  We pulled ourselves together and started talking to the cops about this naked dumbass.  We asked how their evening was going. One says, "It was great until that guy."   
   whitey once told me that the most fun he ever had was once in dover when he and a fellow ball squarian drove an s ten while dosing then hung out atop a bald hill to listen to frank sinatra playing in the rain while patti hearst guarded the crowd with her sub atomic whitey did the steering his roomate had pedal to the floor the rain giggled all night long       
  A great moment of enlightenment:  Realizing that I'm not the only one in the world who masturbates.        
  A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre.  So he gave it to her.  
  Imagine you're having sex. She promptly gets into the "limp starfish" position (spread eagle, doesn't move a bit) and expects you to "service" her until she orgasms, at which point she pats you on the head and goes to take a shower.  Doesn't sound sexy, does it?  Then why the fuck do you think you can just lay back with your hands behind your head while she gives you a blow job?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This is actually my friend's moment, not mine, but I know she'll never submit it, so I'll do it for her.   She had been dating this dumbass for a few months when she finaly decided to screw him. She lost her virginity to him... or so I thought.   After they broke up (shortly after their romp) she told me that he had terrible aim.   He ended up fucking her crack.   Chris, if you're reading this... You missed, dude.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This evening I was in the cafeteria and there was a movie playing on the TV. It was some sci-fi thing about giant insects. I spent a good fifteen minutes watching people pound giant bugs into mush.   There's just some things you shouldn't watch while eating a hot dog.   
  What's the proper cuss word for finding out at the age of 21 that the girl whose pants you would have done anything to get into when the two of you were 16... would have done anything to get into your pants when the two of you were 16?  The words you use when you hit your thumb with a hammer or drop a fly ball just don't suffice.  
  (bear with me - the punchline is good)  The place: Probation Hostel, Sheffield, England. 20 young hooligans in residence, plus the warden, his wife, and ...  ... me! Young, idealistic, social worker. Working 80 hours/week for peanuts.  I'm constantly exhausted, but also lonely and horny, so I'm vunerable to the rapacious attention of the warden's wife, who trips me up and beats me to the mattress (or floor, or laundry hamper, or...) every chance she gets.    One day, the big fridge in the main kitchen breaks. The warden and I carry all the food up to the fridge in their apartment and stuff it full. It promptly breaks down under the strain.  Warden and I ferry the food down to the freezer in the basement.   Meanwhile, his wife stands at the top of the stairs, lazily manicuring herself.   The warden loses it and screams at her: "Jesus Christ! The only working fridge around here is YOU!"  My first thought: "She's not a fridge! Oh, if you just knew her..."  My second thought: "I'm fucking dead if he finds out..."   
   my east-european surname is so jumbled with consonants and replete of vowels that even the most skilled of linguists manage to macerate its pronunciation. I now forced to make all of my my dinner reservations in the name of "Smith", "Bob Smith" that's S-M-I-T-H!"     
  One could say that the kid had too much attitude for his own good. He had been caaght speeding. He pleasded "guilty", with a defiant look. The magistrate said "That'll be $500!" The punk reached into his pocket, swaggered up to the bench, slapped it down on the judge's bench, pulled his baggy ghetto trousers up, and his sunglasses down over eyes, and started to walk away. "Wait a second, son!", called the magistrate to the punk.  "Why don't you", he continued, "reach into that other pocket of yours and pull me out SIX MONTHS!"   
  when i was really young, i thought it would be cool to have a mohawk hairstlye.  but, one problem: how to make it semi-permenant?  well, in the shower, i always could make a shampoo mohawk, but after the inevitable rinse, it wouldn't stay up.  Also, hair gel didn't seem to be quite firm enough.  so, i got a jar of vaseline and put all of it into my hair. the resulting mohawk was fantastic!  but, mom got home, got real mad and was forced to wash it out.  Then the horror set in: vaseline could NOT be washed out with soap and water!  the parents tried everything, laundry soap, dishwasher soap, etc. to no avail.  for the next few months until the next haircut, my hair was a huge, greasy mess.  
  I once got so drunk I threw up in a bag of halloween candy located next to my bed. Washed it off the next day. Was able to save about half.  
  Hey guys - did you know that you can donate a testicle to medical science and get money for it?  I don't mean chump change, either.  I mean like sixty thousand dollars.  Damn, boy.  You can buy a nice car with one of your testicles!  Suddenly I wish I were male.    
  I saw a television interview with the woman who plays the androgynous Pat on SNL, where she reveals that Pat is a woman. I was strangely depressed the rest of the day.  
  my ideal - a tall man on a rice rocket, cowboy hat, tight black leathers, riding boots, goatee, yummy!!!  manners of course, kind , considerate, great kisser, good masseuse, likes to listen to music, watch movies, dance, play pool and worship the ground i walk on        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Overheard outside in the alley after last call. "Goddamn it, you got me drunk just so I'd give you a blow job." - - "No, I love you." "I don't even know you. You couldn't remember my name a minute ago." Hey guess what she gave him the blowjob.  
  I was 16 the first time I got drunk.  My brother, who is 6 years older than me, and was my roommate at the time, decided he wanted to make it happen.    He through a poker party, and bought me any and all types of alcohol I wanted to drink.  I chose "Aftershock".  That night, I was playing poker and realized I was about to puke, so I subtely got up, excused myself to take a piss, and walked slowly to the bathroom.  As soon as I was in and the door was behind me, I started launching my innards into the porcelin God.  My brother, and all of his friends at the poker party, all gathered outside the door.  They knew what was going on.  My brother asked if I was ok, to which I responded that I was fine.  He mentioned that it sounded like I was puking, to which I responded, "Nah man, I'm just pissing".    He then told me that it sounded pretty chunky.  To save face, I told him that it was, "Chunky piss".  He said I should get my shit checked, and started laughing.  
  Baseball camp, summer of 8th grade. Bases loaded, and I'm up to bat. A great pitch is coming my way, and as I swing I let out the loudest, most horrific fart in history.  I absolutely KILL the ball, hitting it over the left field wall for a grand slam. As I round the bases, everyone in the field was rolling on the ground with laughter while the coach kept repeating "What in the hell was that!" From that day forth I was known as thunder Pudge. It was the only home run I ever hit playing baseball.  
  Ever look at someone and think, "Wow, natural selection must have taken the fuckin' day off."  
  Once as a VERY small child I was terribly constipated.  My mother was having some friends over downstairs, and so had left me upstairs to entertain myself.  At the time, I fancied myself quite the artist, and so I decided to draw dear ol' mum a picture.  Being young still, and not understanding that somethings are best left unsaid (or unillustrated), I drew her an elaborate picture of little me on the toilet, pants around my ankles, teeth gritted, constipated and starining away.  Actually, I remember it being quite a good drawing, and I was rather proud of it at the time.  It was so good, infact, that it took me quite a long time to figure out why mom wouldn't show all her friends when I brought it downstairs to show to her.  At the time, I was quite insulted.  
  i was in a hip little artsy cafe with my dad, who was visiting me for a few days. we were looking at all the art. my dad was wearing a shirt that had a witty slogan on it about how artists should be given free art supplies and how they want their own state, i forget the exact thing but it's wicked funny. anyway, so we were looking for something for my mom and one of the artists whose work was on display came up to my dad and after looking at him for about 4 minutes was like, "oh sorry, i'm reading your shirt. i didn't want you to think i was randomly staring at your chest."  she walked right into it.  right on cue my dad said, "that's ok, i'll just stare at yours." i giggled. loudly. lucky for us, she thought it was funny too. it was almost as funny as the time that my dad got in trouble for trying to sneak a bag of tortilla chips into lollapalooza '95. i was 13 and my brother was 10. we watched helplessly. but he did manage to sneak in the sandwiches, and boy were they good. my dad rocks!  
  I used to tell an Ex girlfriend that was six feet tall, light skinned black and had freckles that her freckles were the result of a smaller back person trying to poke it's way out. Man I loved that girl.   
  It was two years ago tomorrow, Ot. 4, 1999.  Seems like yesterday.  My wife and I were really having it out and had decided to split up.  I was drunk as shit by 9pm and was out in the garage smoking many cigs.  I ran out of brew and drove around the corner for another sixer.  On the way back I decided to stop by my hot coworkers apt.(same complex)  She wasn't home, but as I turned to start to leave I hear, "Is that a sixpack?"  It was her, looking cute as ever.  I bellowed, "Hell yes it is!"    She was a great listener.  It's close to midnite and she decides to bleach her hair.  I love that.  When she's done, she comments looking in the mirror, "Now I have to do the other half!"  I melt and walk outside to grab another smoke.  When I come in, I sit next to her and grab her.  We make out really hard for about 15 minutes.  She stops me and says her boyfriend could be home anytime.  I say so what, being enibriated and pissed off.  She then tells me that she's going to bed to watch TV and I'm welcome to join her and whatever happens happens.  WTF is that about???   As I lay down next to her I immediately attack her.  Goddamn she's hot!  We fuck like animals and as soon as we're done she's kind of freaky like her boyfriends going to walk in at any minute.  Come to find out he's on his reserve weekend and it's Saturday for christsake!  I scamper back to the garage tossing the used condom out the window of my truck. Not 10 minutes later my wife comes knocking on the door.  She never knew I left.  I moved out the next day. muahhahaaaaaa  We're about to split for the third time since then.  I'm a moron!  
  I used to like the Rolling Stones. Even though I've always thought the members of the band were so incredibly, physically ugly... even in their primes.  The music rocks, but their physical demeaner has always been and now, even more so while they are aging, so, well, UGLY! Yuk!  Shallow thoughts? Could be, but just think of this; how many of you would think three aging women, singing their guts out, no matter how talented, are sexy?  Didn't think so. Remember Heart? When the dark haired one got fat, they stopped selling.  
  My first and last acid trip:  We put on some good tunes - King Crimson, and I fell down into the music.    Then there was just the drum.  Which was my heart.  Except every single beat was my very last heartbeat.  Teetering, screaming very edge of death.  For eight hours.  Just a warning.  
  Went to a nudie bar in Tijuana. A virginous companion of ours decides to make conversation with his lap dancer. She reveals that some of the dancers are pre-op transexuals.  I checked my shit. Nothing doing - unless it was a really good tape job. My friend's dancer confirms it - I'm good to go.  My then-boss - pretend Presbysterian bible-thumper who unleashes his virginal ass-grabbings whenever has an excuse - is not so lucky. He finds a lump where there shouldn't be one - betwixt the thighs.  Trouble is my ex-boss' dancer looked really fuckin' good, and mine smelled like B.O.  I love America.  -Anon E. Mouse  
  With the flu, and driving home in a really bad snowstorm, a turbo Saab coming the other way completely loses it -- spinning around and around, slowly working its way onto my side of the road.  I spot it from a long way off, and immediately get on the brakes, but traction is  so  poor that I can barely slow down.  He spins across right in front of me, our bumpers kiss lightly, and he continues down an embankment.  I stop and walk down. He's unhurt but very shaken up. I offer to help, but explain that I'd better drive, because I'm too sick to push.  I lightly feather the clutch while he grunts and groans. Suddenly, the studded snows bite, and I go zooming off up to the road, leaving him on his face in the snow.  Nice car. At the top, I yell: "Enjoy my VW!" and go driving off a ways before pulling a &frac12;-doughnut.  When I get back, he's kicking the crap out of my worthless bus, tears streaming down his face.  I'm such a cruel bastard, sometimes :-)  
  shortly after our painful breakups with the girlfriends i referred to as stankmouth and roast beef (i was the one stuck with stankmouth), my friend and i were kicking it in his aunt's jimmy listening to angsty and depressing music, while parked in a park (teehee) at around midnight.  no weed or anything, just kicking it to pumpkins and nin and shit like that, exchanging various sob and horror stories about our former paramours.  eventually a cop pulled in, took a look at us, and called for backup.  apparently, two extremely nerdy teenagers in an oversized suv are the deadliest problem to ever strike rural connecticut.  hmm.  
  I used to have an hour-long bus ride to college, which was usually uneventful. One morning my bowels were aching like mad, all the way there. I was shifting positions, just hoping  the fart to end all farts  wouldn't sneak up on me unexpectedly, especially since the sun was only just rising. A moment that early in the day could have been grounds for suicide.  But I held my own until I got to the campus. Found the restroom with seconds to spare, dropped my drawers and shat a liquid stream of shit so pure, you would have thought I was pissing.  Except for the sinus-burning smell, of course.  
  i just made myself lunch.  its some cup of soup shit that calls itself "Ramen Pride". What the fuck is there to be proud about? its a 25 cent cup of noodles that smells faintly of good dog kibble.   sure is tasty though.  
  Chinese restaurant, Mother's Day.  My two brothers are playing with the Lazy Susan (thing that spins around on the table) and mom is trying to get them to quit before something bad happens.  Of course, after mom has said this 3 or 4 times, I decide that it's my turn to show how many times I can make the teapot go around.  It didn't even go all the way around once before it flew off, sending the hot tea cascading across my brothers and mother.  We didn't go to Chinese restaurants very much any more.  
  Dirty Bart.  That's what we all called him, cause he was the nastiest, filthiest, most disgusting person we ever seen.  He lived in a raggedy old singlewide trailer out in the middle of a field, about 4 miles from the pool hall.   On that fateful night, Bart had one Budweiser too many. He backed into my truck and sped off. Several folks had seen it, and I decided to do something about it. It's happened before, and this time will be the last.  I went home, and gathered all the tow chains I could find. I threw them on the back of the John Deere, and headed out to do "justice".  I parked the tractor out by the road, and ran the chain to the trailer. I attatched it to the hitch, and dropped the wheels down on Bart's home (For those that arent familiar with trailers, the wheels crank up underneath, or are stationary and covered up).  I hooked the other end of the chain up to the John Deere, and proceeded to put it in 1st gear.  I dragged his trailer out of the field, and down the road for about a mile. I dropped it off right in the middle of a 4 way intersection in the middle of nowhere.   Literally.  I took my chain off, and headed back to the homestead.  It made the paper 2 days later.   Bart moved from town shortly after that.  
  i thought the sickening amount of bourbon would make his abrasive voice less metal on glass blending into the mild din that began to swim around me it gave his voice larger pirranha teeth i droped my glass so i wouldnt smash it into his face        
  I once had a nightshirt that said "Time to go to bed...NOT!" on it.  I thought it was the coolest thing in the world.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The funniest thing my boss has ever said to me: "Before you go, we gotta get some fucking noodles, dude."  
  I grew up in a heavily populated Mormon community. (YES! I wanted to commit suicide many times...) Anyways...they got those damn missions they have to do. And one day I was thinkin...if I was a mormon (and I didnt commit suicide first) I would choose to have my mission be to experience every strip club in California by the age of 21, just to piss off my whole church. Yeah, thatd be cool.  
  "why can't you keep a man?" asked blonde. "i introduce you to nice guys and you dump them."  red looked indignant. "when you set me up with Rico, you didn't tell me the boy had no teeth!"   now blonde looked equally indignant. "He had a tooth!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Highschool, was for me, nothing but cherished lowbrow memories.  Class camping trip, 10th grade.  I somehow got in the middle of a water balloon fight between several girls, and they managed to get me very wet.  I became seriously pissed, that was my last set of clean clothes for the trip... so in a blinding red fury I found a half-cup of kool-aid sitting nearby and flung it at one of them.  Needless to say, she was not pleased.  Some words were exchanged, and I wasn't really sure what to do next, so I headed back into the cabin and down the basement.  It wasn't long before I heard running footsteps behind me, and she jumped on my back screaming obscenties.  She was not a small girl, and I was probably 130 pounds of pre-pubescence at the time.  I curled up into little ball, and she wailed away at me for about 10 seconds.    When some guys finally peeled her off me, I was sobbing like a baby.  It wasn't from pain, it was the realization that I had just got beaten up by a girl.  
  My first job, at 16, was working as a cashier in a drug store.  One of the other cashiers never missed an opportunity to kiss up to the management and point out what incredible slackers her lazy-ass punk co-workers were.  Needless to say, we all despised her.  She was fired after it was discovered she had stolen over $3000 of merchandise in a little under 2 months.  I liked her a lot more after I heard that.   
  I have this friend who claims to be a sex-a-holic. Just before his marriage broke up, he was getting dangerous to be around in public.  To set the scene: he is handsome, well built and 35. He would home in on the best looking young girl in the room and start to charm her.  If she showed the slightest interest in him, he would proposition her, again, being charming but direct. If she responded in the negative, he would either beg, berate, or embarrass her. From then on every woman in the place would avoid him and his friends for the rest of the night.  During his recovery, he took me to an out of the way toothless, old man bar. There he told me that part of his recovery was to confess his sins and apologize to his friends.  The conversation turned to the details of his  affliction . It turned out that his lifetime head-count was only 25% of mine.   I could not decide if I should ask for the number of his therapist or start to give him pointers.  
  When I was a kid, I used to play with fire and burn the other kids, they said that they were going to feed me to the flames, and they did. You know what? I liked it.   
  i am a sick, perverted girl. my psychologist asked me a probing question about how i evaluate myself and others, and i looked her dead in the eye.   "First principles, Dr. Poolin. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing, ask: What is it, in itself, what is its nature...?"  she didn't catch it, and i've decided to work  silence of the lambs  into every session until she does.  someday, i'm going to be committed. i guess then i'll have to start using  one flew over the cukoo's nest .   
  I've made a mental note to myself that if I'm still alive on her 82nd birthday, I'm gonna find her and fuck her up the ass.  Now that's true love and dedication.        
  I've discovered motivation. If I get a couple beers in me before 9AM, I have no trouble with the concept of a job and work and all the assorted crap that it entails. However, to keep this goal-oriented attitude, I must continue to have beer. To obtain beer, I must have money and money comes often from having a job.  Now I just have to find someone who'd hire a person who drinks beer before 9AM. Actually, before 8AM, because I have to get motivated to get dressed too.  
  I masturbate by humping a pillow. One day I took a number two in the toilet. Later on, I started masturbating. When I was done I found a huge streak on my pillow. Washed the pillow case. I think it still smells funny.  
  In the middle ofa telephone conversation i blamed the reception on my phone.  I said, "does it kinda sound like im peeing?" then i said, "does it kinda sound like a toilet flushing now?" Im not sure she bought that it was static.         
  When I finally found a supply of weed after a four-year (!) dry spell, I had problems for a while with side-effects. We're talking paranoia. I could only smoke as far away from people as possible. It got so bad that I took to driving deep into the country to find little dirt roads that nobody used. Parked in the wilderness one day, I finished a couple bowls of kindweed, washed down with a couple beers, and continued down the road. After a few yards, I ran into a spot of deep mud -- looked dicey. I pulled a U-turn, but got stuck. I was gently easing the car back and forward when I happened to glance back up the road. A State trooper was about 200 yards away, approaching fast.  Between the empty bottles and the giveaway fug, I was a dead man. I willed the car out of the mud in a blind panic, and headed towards the trooper, my open windows billowing smoke. We waved at each other as we went past, and I drove home with my eyes riveted on the rear-view mirror. That was the bad news -- the good news is that the incident cured my paranoia permanently.  
  I volunteered to babysit one weekend. The slutty wench of a mother could be called my "friend", but then I would have to be there for every other catastrophie, incident, mistake and error that she had been responsible for in her life. I do not want that responsiblity. But this time my feelings of pity were greater than my disgust for her, and I reluctantly agreed to care for the little beast.  The day before my ordeal would take place, I went shopping for something that would help me tame the beast. The fruity bookstore/java shack looked like a good place to start...  Me: Uh...sir. Do you have some sort of guide on the raising and caring of children?  Clerk: Gonna be a father, eh? Well congratulations!  Me: Uh, no. See I-  Clerk: There is a dummies guide for raising the little twerps but I'm afraid those are out of stock.  Me: Uhh..  Clerk: But take my advice, kid. All you really need is some duct tape and a bat. Trust me. HAW HAW HAW.  Me: ......  I stood there, face to face with the little demon. Duct tape in my left hand, and a bat in the right. I wasn't sure what do with all of this, so I improvised.  3 life sentences without parole. At least the jello's good...  The sex could be better.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i wish i had a 'fuck buddy' like that guy in vanilla sky  
  In New Orleans the cab drivers actually talk to you. One recommended we visit the aquarium, he claimed it was the biggest and best in the world. He also told us they gave him and his family free tickets.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  I entered the porn site. And lost my soul. How was I supposed to know that VWWC meant "Voluptuos Women With Cocks?"  
  i don't think i drive like an asshole. sure, i drive fast... aggressive, but i've never been in nor caused an accident. so, what i find amazing is the number of times a passenger has said "did you see that old-ass lady give you the finger?" it's funny every time it happens.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there was this nite that i decided it would be a good idea to drink large amounts of Wild Turkey and upsidedown margarita shots. In retrospect it was a GREAT idea on account that i got this story out of it. Anyway, as the nite came to an end and i got too drunk to know how to get home i decided to call 1.800.NEED.ASS and see if i could stumble over. Well, you know how things go...we were doing what people do when they are alone and all kinds of fucked up when i passed out and accidently kicked her out of bed. She swears she tried to wake me up but i don't think she did...anyway, the cool part isn't that i got real crunk or that i hooked up, its that when she tried to wake me up cos i kicked her out of her own bed i said, and i quote,  "Go Away"  She slept on her floor and in the fetal position whilst I lay sprawled about the entire bed in an alcohol induced coma. I woke up the next morning and to celebrate me being an asshole we hooked up all day.  
  i always thought that Sluts with Nuts was better than Chicks with Dicks  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I use MSG as a seasoning. Pretty tasty.        
  It's not original, but I've found the best way to deal with the telebotherers is to ask them if they can hold on just a second I just gotta -- then set the phone down and just walk away...   (A friend mine claims he went to the store for a half hour, came back, started watching TV, then grabbed the phone to make a call and the fuckstick was still on the line.)   
  Watchin' the news. One lady in San Jose is complaining about traffic. and i quote:  "...yes. anything to help reduce traffic. but i seriously think that people need to be carpooling or taking public transit."  yea. then why the fuck are you sitting in your car by yourself?  
  I woke up in Connecticut, Quinnipiac college to be exact.  My friend's friend's girlfriend's phat suite.  I sat in pissed pants, dazed, not feeling right.    Went to the bathroom and noticed the huge black eye I received.  My ribs hurt real bad.  I slightly remembered swinging at a huge guy in slow motion outside a bar in New Haven.  Then I more slightly remembered getting into the fetal position while five huge guys kicked away.  I sat down on the toilet and started projectile shitting and puking all over the floor at the same time.  I made a half assed atempt to wipe it up with a little TP, made my way back out to the piss couch and passed back out, not caring about my serious concussion.  The next morning was a game - who would sit on the piss couch?  I tried insisting on leaving but alas we stayed for breakfast.  I flipped the cushion and it was only half as wet on the other side.  I got up for a second, and when I came back, a dude and his girlfriend were on the piss couch.  We just made it out of there before the osmosis.  I confessed a littl elater to my friend's friend, and he admitted to peeing her couch and bed and on a regular basis.  There's blood in the street, and it's up to my asshole.  
  This kid across the hall from me stumbles out of his room one morning around 10 and say "My math test ended 10mins ago. I slept through it. I'm fucked. It's 25% of my grade."  So I said, "Get the fuck to the med center asap."  Ingenious since the receipts they give don't have times or anything on them. Just medicine given. He thought it was a good idea. I figured saying he was having some sort of heart problem or somthing would work.  He leans on the door, I figure he's thinking about it, and proceeds to slam the door on his hand.  He broke his hand. He got an 87 on the makeup.  He is a legend.  
  I was going to add my own moment, but while reminiscing and deciding on more of my more warmer memories I couldn't keep the thought of the time I came from school to see my father, my aging grandfather, and my blind neighbor attempting to fix our garage door.  This fearsome trifecta was no match for that remorseless (not to mention heavy) garage door, which on two seperate occasions came off its hinges to land squarely on my dads head. You know you had an interesting childhood when the image of your father stumbling through the door, his head dripping of blood, barely phased you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When James Bond does it it is suave and sophisticated but the one time i ever actually ordered a vodka martini shaken not stirred i felt like such a dickhead.   
  I work in a retro store, we sell neat things there, like finger traps.   Every day I have to free about 5 people, usually in their early 20's from said traps. They just don't get it, sometimes, I have to go back and free them a second or third time. I'm thinking about charging for the priveledge of freedom. Don't look at me like that, they deserve it.  
  Sunday night, I don't work until late Monday afternoon...time to get drunk.  So I'm at the local Italian Sub/Beer place with a 40 of Hurricane (1.60 a bottle).  Sometimes I feel like such a loser and everyone can tell.  A 40 is very distinctive...it's just enough to mess just you up, if you were 'entertaining' you'd buy something more expensive, if you're having friends over you'd buy a six-pack or a case.  All ready to throw my ID and pile of change at the counter girl and run back to my loserdom, I see the middle ages woman in front of me buying 5 40's of Hurricane.  Heh, who's the loser now?  
  I tired of people saying that by smoking your just killing yourself slowly and painfully. We're all dying slowly and painfully. If anything, smoking speeds up the process.  
  It has recently come to my attention, that i would make a horindisly ugly woman....so much for my dream of just looking in the mirror all day  
  I was getting my eyebrows plucked.  They flip your head back to pluck them and I usually close my eyes, so well...you know...so the wax doesn't burn the hell out of your eyes and blind you.    I start laughing and say "Don't wax them all off, you know, like those ugly old ladies with the purple hair who pencil there eyebrows on and actually think they look good."  I had a long hard laugh.  She grows silent.    Then I opened my eyes...fuck...she was one of those ladies I was talking about. And the fucking worst part?  She fucked my eyebrows all up.  Damn it, sometimes the truth hurts.   Hey bitch, at least mine will grow back.   
  My friend Joe really liked to do drugs in high school.  One fine day this kid a grade below us gets his hands on alot of speed.  He gives Joe and his friend 10 pills, just because they were friends, and hey, it was free.  Joe takes one.  About 15 min. go by.  "Man, this shit sucks."  Takes another.  20 min. go by.  "What the hell?  I think he fuckin' beat us!"  Ingests the remaining 3.  They are walking to a friend's house for her birthday party.  On the 1/2 hour walk, it KICKS in!  They get there in 10 min.  *BANG*BANG*BANG*Her parents open the door.  "Uh, hello?"  "HiIs(whatever her name was)Here?"  "Yes, wait one moment..."  *click-jingle of the locks*  Friend comes up.  "Hey Joe, how you doin'?"  Walk inside.  Joe is standing around, looking at her parents' collection of those dumb plates on the wall, and begins to count them...1-2-3-4-5...  "Ok, the party's downstairs, guys."  She leads them down, now realizing they are all fucked up on speed.  Mild bitching insues-oh well that's life.  Party's on.  Joe is sitting down, and looking around like a hyperactive owl.  He focuses on this one guy, sitting on a chair.  He stares at the gentleman...who is becoming uneasy because Joe just won't stop staring.  He keeps looking at the guy, and he's trying to decide, in his head, if this guy on the chair is real or not.  Closer...closer...closer...damn near nose to nose..."What the hell are you doing?!"  Joe JUMPS UP!  "HE'S-REAL!HE'S-REAL!OH-MY-GOD!HE'S-REAL!"  
  He looks me square in the eye with a knowing, arrogant look, then proceeds to tell me,  "Yeah well it must be a choice because the first homosexual was Caligula 800 years ago!"  I'm glad I'm not fucking retarded enough to be homophobic.  
  After a  long  day of interviews  (I was only there because they were flying me into Boston and putting me up in a nice hotel), I get dropped off at my last interviewer of the day.  He is an unprepossessing little guy in jeans and a T-shirt. His office is tiny and a mess, with water pipes and electrical conduits all up the walls and across the ceiling.  I figure he's a janitor, and wonder why I'm here.  He: "Long day, eh? Can I get you anything?"  Me: "Know what? I could really go for a beer."  He smiles strangely, then: "So could I."   He closes the door, opens the fridge, and grabs two beers.  As we drink, he says: "So, the job is yours if you want."  I sit up, slightly alarmed. Why is a janitor offering me a job as a software engineer?  Me: "Oh, that's great.  I'll certainly consider it and get back to you."  He: "What's stopping you from accepting right now?"  I couldn't very well tell the truth, so...  Me: "Well, my girlfriend isn't sure she'd like Boston."  He: "OK, how about I fly both of you in here for a weekend, get you a car, some tickets to a show and a Sox game, and see if you can bring her round?"  I'm truly alarmed by now: "Eh, you could do that?"  He: "I can do anything. I met with your interviewers, and I decided I want you, so I'm going to get you."  Oops. My first encounter with casual office dress codes. Hi, Larry Apfelbaum, my wonderful manager for the next five years...  
  so, working for probation, you hear many interesting things. Tuesday is sex offender day and there was this guy who was out of control in the waiting room. all you hear is, "I dont wanna touch no women, just let me smoke my crack..I want no women, just leave me to my crack!" Admitting to smoking crack is not the best thing to scream when sitting in the waiting room at probation....  
  after highschool i applied to harvard..not that i could afford to GO to harvard..but my mom wanted an acceptance letter to frame. so i got her one. (wow, that didn't sound pompous at all.)   two years later i brought her another frame. this one made her cry too..my citation for shoplifting and the letter from the dean saying i was kicked out of the smaller, cheaper school i'd picked instead.  now i work at pizza hut.   
  This friend of mine in college, Ryan, had this girlfriend who was an abercrombie model.  Beautiful girl, and his roomate thought it was funny to get a catalog with her in it, so anyway--  I was over there hanging out in his suite one day  Just having a beer playing video games  They got into a fight about something or other, think it had to do with the beer or something, and Ryan's roomate says,  "Alright dude, fuck you, I'm gonna go masturbate to your girlfriend."  Goes into the bedroom, locks the door.  Ryan goes pounding on the door, cursing at him.  I laugh my ass off.   
  I just bought this old Chevy cargo Van.  Now I just want to drive past elementary schools REAL slow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just finished watching the film "Traffic". So I am making making a mental checklist of my own misspent youth hinking about what I'll say with my own daughters: - snorting coke (check!) - drinking with friends (check!) - smoking dope (check!) - freebasing (errr, once, ok check!) - Becoming a crack whore and stealing and pawning momma's jewlery to get money for crack then moving then fucking black guys drug dealers with guns in exhcnage for more crack then moving myself into a sleazy hotel and pimping myself to get more money for crack (errrr, no I think that last one was a little extreme for my white middle class suburb thank-you-very-much)      
  Once, I had some leftover Chinese food, but there wasn't enough to make a full meal unless I added some white rice. But I didn't have any rice.  So I used Rice Chex, instead.  It was actually pretty good.  
  One of my best friends was a Net friend who lived almost 1500 miles away from me, and after about two and a half years of chatting and snail-mail...we exchanged phone numbers.  Nervous as Hell, I pick up the phone one day to call him...who I rate tremendously.  His brother picks up.  He's not home.  Okay...  I call back an hour later.  His father picks up.  "Hi, is Brady there?"   "Yes"   "Well, could I talk to him?"   "Yes."   A minute later...  "Well...could you go get him please?"   "This is him."   "Oh...oh, oh hey, it's you!  I thought you were your father"   "Yeah, it's me.  Who the Hell is this?"   "It's Melissa."   "Oh...hey.  Why'd you think I was my dad?"   He never let me live that down, either.  
  hey do me and the world a favor dont write shit and submit it to lowbrow pawning it off as your own when you lifted it from the simpsons or dennismiller or anywhere else it makes you even in your pseudo email paranoia armor sound like an ass and cheapens the brow       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My middle aged mother recently bought a shirt that read...  "LSD Then, DSL Now"  I can't decide whether she's crazy or just the coolest mom ever.   
  I was really sad to hear they were replacing the trains in New Orleans, because I know from experience that those are the perfect trains to vomit out of. Why else do you think they've been around 100 years?  
  me three months ago talking to friends who all bought belts: belts are for pussies, yall a buncha pussies!  now i am buying a belt, for fear that someone will pull my pants down. even though they were right, i should have got a belt, i will never admit it. i will just say that it is to much of a chore pullin up my pants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         An inherent lowbrow skill we all have and dont know:  dig that when you shit even before lean crane or stand to inspect your handiwork - now this doenst really apply to you alchy shit sprayers no offense all - you can tell whether your turd is a floater or a sinker.  As extra credit I offer this - dont you hate when you take a fabulous shit - something huge and long and heavy and evil and you look to see it but the depth of the bowl has swallowed it offering for your glimpse only that dark tapered end?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Learning To Cook  Finally away from my fambly, but all I can do is fry an egg. I buy "The Bed-Sitter's Cookbook," thinking that will help me. I does somewhat, but only by recipes like "Toucan Mash," where you take a can of beef stew and a can of some vegetable thing, and mash them together. I mostly eat out. But I like my coffee in the morning. But I also like to sleep late, and some friends have recently introduced me to an amazing smoking herb called... Anyway. I decide that all the time needed to spoon the (instant - this is Britain) coffee, then spoon the sugar, then spoon the powdered whitener in, is much too long. I could sleep later! I make up a big batch of instant coffee/whitener/sugar mix, sleep much longer, and simply spoon two tablespoons into my cup....  
  Hummerz13 (8:24:53 PM): I hate this place Saffarine63 (8:25:44 PM): pougkeepsie? Hummerz13 (8:25:52 PM): earth  
  I was at a Greg Brown concert in a Cambridge coffeeshop. This was back when coffeeshops still allowed smoking. Guy next to me lit up. Immediately, people started complaining about the smoke, one after the other. He was suffering, but resistant to their pleas. I eventually leaned over and said: "Your smoke is really getting to me..." He rolled his eyes, exasperated. "...so could I bum one?" Instant friends.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was younger my older sister and I shaired a room. She's only 2 years older than me. We were playing Barbies one night while my dad was watching us. We found a tube of tennis balls and she was like, Hey, I got an idea! I was like 3 or 4 and she put the tennis balls in my pants and made it look like a penis.   I was standing there and she was kneeling in front of me and my dad opens the door. He just looks at us and closes the door. I was embarrassed at the time, now I laugh at it. Hahaha.  
  One of my family curses is that all of the men have sausage like fingers.  In my bad Butta Dick they call me Fat Fingers.  Have you ever tried to dial a new cell phone with giant fingers? It's not easy, they don't make those things for us, it's like they make those buttons for horse jockeys...but come on how many horse jockeys can there be in the world?    I tried to build a model car once,  but it was apparent It wasn't going so well when I managed to glue a tiny mirror, tiny windshield wiper and a small spare tire to my hands and shirt...It's not my fault when I hold those pieces it's as if they dissapear within my gargantuan grasp.  I hope you appreciate what I have typed here today and if any of you work for microsoft please tell them to make keyboards with bigger keys...You may notice some of my J's are also H's and my T's also Y's, if only they wouldn't put the keys so bloody close together.  My cell phone, my model car and my keyboard are just some of the things that are scared of my larger than life fingers...but where the world finds fault my baby finds paradise.  MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES MY FINGERS, infact if we split up she gets weekend custody!  
  After about fifteen minutes of making madly passionate love, my girl suddenly remembered she'd forgotten to take her tampon out.  Now, is that the lowbrow moment, or is it the fact that I hadn't noticed?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Tell me, what fuck-up will have you kicking yourself in the ass for the rest of your life? Well heres mine.   I first met her in the begining of senior year in highschool. My friend and I picked up a girl we knew, Adrian, and her friend in Bound Brook, which took awhile since we had no geographical knowledge of that town. I rode crammed in the back with Adrian's freind. Damn she was good looking. She was wearing a leopard skin skirt, the kind JUST short enough to let you know she was wearing a garter belt, if you know what I mean. We went to the diner and sat in the back corner. I don't remember how long we were there or what we talked about, I'll admit at that time in my life I was about as talkative as a rock. Afterall, it hadn't been long before that I was in a school for psycho's and junkies, where keeping my mouth shut was the best way to avoid a second year. Back in the car she talked to me some, I remember telling her I didn't hold anything against people, just that I usually didn't have much to say. Even when I'm trying to be nice I sound about as warm as the north poll sometimes. Stupid bastard.  We went to her house and hung around in her room for awhile. She had me and Tim sign her wall, soemthing she has everyone do apparently. I ended up writing a good portion of the song 1916 on it. It's a song about a young soldier in WWI, and one of the only songs I can remember every line to no matter how drunk I am. It didn't occur to me that Adrian may have been trying to fix me up with her friend, but then, with my reputation it was the last thing I would expect from someone.   At the end of senior year I had to make up a class, and so it was off to the school that had summer classes, shared by several nearby towns. There she was, just as beautiful, and I'll be damned, she seemed to share my taste for all black clothes. She turned out to be just as smart as I had thought she was, and pretty creative too. Best of all, when this loud mouthed punk (who I found irritating as shit) started with her one day, she just stood up and told him to put up or shut up. I've known a lot of girls who would do this sort of thing with attitude, which I found annoying. But no, she did this with confidence, which I LOVED. Especially when the kid backed down, nervous. Too bad I had overheard her say she had a boyfriend, or so I thought I'd heard.   Then, New Years Eve, standing on the porch of some dumbass frat wearing a tank top, too drunk to realize it was well below freezing, my best freind told me something I'll never forget. He told me that Tim (who I hadn't talked to in a long time, but thats another story) had said there was a girl who liked me. I asked him who, and he said "I don't know, he said it was Adrian's friend, and that you knew her." I told him about her, and how she had a boyfriend. Then he told me I was wrong, whatever I heard, I had heard wrong. She'd hdd no boyfriend, and she was pretty damn crazy about me too. All this two weeks after the last time I've ever seen her, when I ran into her at an IHOP.   She was perfect. Smart, creative, a free thinker, a strong spirit, confident without being prideful, I would have treated her like a queen. I didn't give a shit if most people probably thought she was strange, or that she was bisexual, that shit means nothing to me.  Now everytime I hear 1916, or have Bound Brook mentioned in a conversation, I feel like slamming my head into a wall. Sometimes when I'm bored and alone at night, I'll drive through Bound Brook, wondering if I'll ever run into her again.  Where the hell are you now, Christine?       
   Out Of The Mouths Of Babes   (Sorry, guys: "babes" as in "young children," but it's not  at all  mushy)  It's quiet time, but my 5 year-old wants to watch something. Mom: "Cartoon channel?" Wig: "Channel 30!" Mom switches. People are being hideously injured, with an overdubbed laugh-track. Mom: "Eeoowww! I don't want to watch this! People are being hurt!" Me: "Yeah, Wig -- this isn't just pretend stuff. People are really being injured, and other people are laughing about it. That's really just not nice." Mom: "Let's watch something else." Wig: "OK. But  I  like it, and I can watch it when you're not here. Sis and I watch it together.  WE  think it's funny!" Mom mouths over his head at me: " I'm talking to 'Sis' in the morning... "  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Summing up what constitutes a Low Brow moment, at least, according to what I've read of other people's postings so far, in no particular order, of course.   1)  Pissing 2)  Shitting 3)  Vomiting 4)  Farting.  Preferably During Sex. 5)  Panty Sniffing.  (who would've ever thought that was such a popular hobby??) 6)  Sex With Fat Chicks 7)  Profuse Masterbation.  Preferably using strange objects, and thinking of inappropriate people, at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places. 8)  Expelling one's load onto inappropriate places/objects.  Then laughing about it. 9)  Basically, anything involving  bodily fluids and ugly people, while tanked on alcohol, or high on drugs.   And that is what constitutes a Low Brow moment.  At least, according to all of yous.   
  One of life's myths:  "You were planned."   No, no in truth probably not...  
  It comforts me to think that no matter how low I may sink, I have never done karaoke.   
  I joined the Mile High Club in the lav on a flight to Detroit. I was alone. Thanks Palm porn.  
  everytime i get on the metro i spend the whole ride pairing up my fellow riders in the unlikely event that we should be the last survivors of some apocalalyptic event and have to carrry the human race forward.    1st) prioritize the women by order of sexual inspiration 2nd) then i analize them by those most likely to sleep with me -vs- the other men in the car.  there seems to be an inverse proportionality as to how attractive these women are and the likelihood they will be paired with me.  sometimes i get on a car that has no other real male competition and i think to myself "it is good to be king".    is that low self esteem?        
  O.K. here's what SHOULD have happened:  Instead of letting you stand alone and morose at the bar, I SHOULD have gone up to you and bought you a drink, better still I SHOULD have just grabbed your hand, and said "Follow me" dragged you up the back staircase to the balcony were I WOULD have sucked your cock right there under the moonlight sky.  But I DIDN'T, and I know there will never be a better time.         Life's hard for non-social insects   
  My brother's friend got him a blow-up sheep for his b-day.  His friend is from Scotland.  I don't touch the thing.  
  Things I say way too much:  "Almost empty? I just bought this pack of cigarettes a few hours ago!"  "Sure, I'll have another drink."  "Where's my pills?"   
  man i need to be more talkative with the opposite sex..  one hot chick that worked at a pita place in a mall.. my friend tells me he's going to get her number for me.  at pub night, he hands me this paper with 10 numbers written on it, saying it's her number  i get home, he tells me it's actually his aunt's phone number  he's not lying.  but she's kinda lonely, and i am too, so we went out to dinner.  forget the cute girl at the pita place, best friend's aunts are where it's at.  
  "The cat is soft and fluffy."  Translated with Altavista Translator:  from English to Korean, from Korean to English, from English to Japanese, from Japanese to English, from English to Chinese, from Chinese to English, from English to Korean, then from Korean to English one more time,  results in the phrase:  "This cat is soft, the phwuk low shoes which is they."   Who says the internet isn't educational? More mangled translations to be found elsewhere on this site.....   
  I finally met an awesome guy.  Too bad I'm 14 and he's technically an adult.   
        kevin: we determined that rolling tires down a hill is the city equivalent to cow tipping.  
  My boyfriend, who happens to have a twin brother, was over at my place one night.  He was looking at something and I was looking at his face and out of nowhere I shout, "Hey, wait a minute- turn your head back that way..." So he did and I, in my stupidity say, "You really look like your brother from that angle." I only realized what I said when he started laughing at me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I bought a house in a small redneck town outside of Austin.  Here's the first rule of living in a hick town.  On the 1st of the month, Wal-Mart is invaded by all the people who just got their welfare check.  It's scary in there.  
   everything was so easy when i was with him. he completely accepted me, he forgave me for being horrible all the time, he did a lot of things for me. i didn't do anything for him, really.  i couldn't stand that. when i broke up with him after like four months i told him i thought it was too easy, that i didnt have to work for anything. i wanted to have to work for affection and whatnot...  so the other day we're picking up his sis from work at like 10. its out of the loop about 3 miles or so. we're driving along on the dark highway, listening to some tool, but mainly bush, and i realize i like everything about him and would leave town with him right then, never come back and be with him as long as i lived.  if only he had kept driving...   sheesh.     
  Me and my brother were at one of those recycle depots that they have in small towns, the ones where people drop off glass products in those giant green bins that get emptied once a month.  Anyway, it's on the side of the highway, and we're lining up cheezwiz jars and empty wine bottles and shooting them with sling shots.  Some self righteous bastard stops to yell at us.  He had to expect that we were going to throw bottles at his van when he was driving away.  
  i had a special relationship with this girl in high school. we never "dated" so to speak, but we definately fooled around.  whenever she would jerk me off, she would wait for me to cum, then she would rub jism all over my dick, using it as extra lubricant. (as if i needed it; i was already finished.)  once - and only once - after she had sufficiantly smeared sperm all over my dick, she thought it was necessary to run her fingers through my hair.  bitch.  
  Dig this. Lately I've been feeling like no matter how hard I try (well fuck that because I don't really try) but no matter how good I am at something, I'll never be give due credit. Someone else can quote me/take my ideas and be heard as *real* whatever that means, just because of the way they look.  But don't take my word for it. This came up in and was stolen from a conversation with a friend...  
     An acquaintence of mine asked me:  "does this dress make me look fat?"  I didn't have the  heart to say, "no the fact that you are 5'4" and weigh 200 lbs makes you look fat."      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wasted ten minutes of my life on the Internet, figuring out what city the Lowbrow server is on from the longitude and latitude co-ordinates on the About page.  The lowbrow part of this?  I'm going to let you slobs figure it out on your own.  
  "I'm walking down the street towards Starbucks, horny as all hell.   "Hey baby...I got what you NEED!!"   Shouted the O-SO disgusting construction worker....for the 3rd time that week as a matter of fact.    "Oooh REALLY?" said I   "What I want is to get laid, what I NEED is to get laid." I continued    "Woah lady...you wanna settle it down I'm married"   Stupid fucker. Now you know what happens when you do that.    - horny@hotmail.com " ***************************** Oh you cheap fuck.  That's from Sex in the City, you dumb bitch.  
  Slightly drunk girls are cute. Drunk girls are annoying. Really drunk girls are pathetic. Extremely drunk girls might screw me.  
  As with any Saturday morning, mine started with some really great sex.  Exhausted, parched and in desperate need of a glass of water, we momentarily broke for a rehydratng.   As I passed my front door on the way to the kitchen, there it was.  Like the sound of the SWAT team busting in my door, I panicked.  Looking out the peep hole, I saw nothing, no one out the window, who could it be?  So, in a moment of sheer ass-kicking humor I opened it   FRICKING Jehovah s Witness  Trying to get me to by a goddamn book in the middle of my Saturday morning sex  it s just not right  it s just sacrilegious    
  When typing "hotmail.com" into your browser, be sure not to type "hotmale.com". It's not the same thing.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I used to date a girl who ditched me after I spent hundreds of dollars on her because I wasn't "smooth".  Fuck that.  I'm suave.  I proved that to my mom last night.  I was set to go out with this one girl, just a friend, and I was wearing khaki pants at the time, and my mother suggested I change my clothes cuz I wouldn't want popcorn grease stains on such nice pantalones.  I quickly explained to my mom that while at the drive-in movie theater, the girl and I would not be wearing any pants.  My mom soundly beat me a dozen times with a pillow.  
  My four friends and I were out on the town.  Scott had just turned 16 and he had a car, so we were feeling pretty good about ourselves.  Pulling up to an intersection, a srange aroma wafted into the car. It was the smell of jizz (cum, semen, spunk). Dave said, "Hey, it smells like..." And then he shut up. We all looked at each other and didn't say a word.   We knew what it smelled like, none of us wanted to think about why.  
  Sure I drink grape juice mainly for the taste.   But there's a little part of me that drinks it for the fact that it makes my shit smell like grapes.  Shitty grapes, but grapes nonetheless.  
  They were in bed.  "I love you," she said.  "If you ever feel the need to say that again," he gestured violently to the door. "Go into the living room, say it, and come back when you're finished."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Friend: "want to go munging?"  Me: "what the hell is that?"  Friend: "jumping off a barstool onto a 2-day-dead chick's stomach while your best bud's mouth is on her genitals...you have to swallow what comes out..."  Me: "...."  
  So I'm driving home a few evenings back from shopping with my dad at the Safeway.  We're driving down the hill near my house when a small rabbit runs in front of the car.  I come to a violent stop, and it hops happily away as I jokingly scream after it while laughing devilishly, "I'll get you Superman!  Next time you won't be so fucking lucky!!"    My dad begins to laugh hysterically, and he eventually sputters out that I was screaming at a group of men having a beer on their front porch.    And I was wondering why they looked at me funny, yesterday.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time, I got stoned and ate an entire box of Kaboom! cereal.  And half a box of Crispix, to boot.  Man, seriously, make marijuana legal for people with loss of appetite. Holy mother of God. That stuff works like a charm.  
  my boss just came in and asked what i've done this afternoon... (which is read lowbrow)   so i distracted him by asking him about what shoes he owns.   what he looks for in a sneaker.    if he spent alot of time thinking about shoes.   he became so confused with the shoe questions that he forgot to get a progress report...  wonder how long i can distract him from my lack of work being done....  
  Just a note to thank those two lovely gals that flashed their pierced tits at two 40 year old married men on the 210 freeway durring rush hour.   Our faith in the future of the younger generation has been restored.  
  My assistant is "contingent". Read that, contractor. If she had just done as I requested - been dependable, on time, etc. she would have been hired on as direct. She allowed a male to direct her attendance. Read that, she was late a lot and absent a lot.  Because of her tardiness due to her horniness for her lover (who has dumped her, btw), she was not hired on as direct.  Because she is still a contractor (due to her horniness) she will be fired the first quarter of 2003.  Loss for both of us.  
  My girlfriend and I were talking on the phone when she revealed to me that she has the urge to put small rodents, hamsters in particular in the microwave.I admitted for the first time that I am inclined to do the same thing. It was then I knew we were made for each other   
  While sober at a party one night I heard a "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!" Comming from upstairs. A friend of mine, who happend to be extremely drunk after a game of quarters, had just put a hole in the wall. He asked if I had any super glue. I replied "No." and told him that I did have some epoxy in my car. So for the next ten minutes, he was fumbling the epoxy tube trying to fix a hole in the wall.  Let that be a lesson to you, never use walls or epoxy while drunk.  Klister  (Later on in the party I decided to have some to drink, I ended up stepping on a nail while jumping off a porch.)  
  Once I was so in love with this bitch who totally fucked me over that I actually posted some sappy crap on Craig's List Missed Connections...I shit you not.  Not my proudest moment.  
  Grocery clerk entry #35: Today was the day that all of the 300 lb women came rolling in.  I think the fat farm next door finally opened.  I'll start offering them all cheese samples.  
  One of my co-workers likes to call me on his cell phone when he s dropping the kids off at the pool at work.   The timing is such that I ll get the grunt, the violent, gaseous expulsion, the splash, and finally, the big flush.   More often than not, vocal interjections are included, to augment the performance.  I ll then email him to rate the performance. What s more lowbrow; the fact that the phone calls are made, the fact that the calls amuse me, or the fact that I actually critique each performance, and look forward to the next?   
  it was the employee christmas party.  i wasn't there.  but i did hear all about from my co-workers AND my boss.  apparently, one of the girls we work with had proceeded to get rippin' drunk and molest several of the guys at the party; stradding laps, cramming her tongue down throats, and making an obnoxious fool of herself.  my boss, the same one who later told me that i came to work looking like i was en route to the landromat (fucking bitch) went on and on about what poor judgement the girl had exhibited, and how some professionalism should always be maintained at a job-related function, etc.  a week later my boss was at the manager's christmas party, bumping and grinding and thrusting her crotch at the male managers before puking all over the bar in the middle of ordering another martini.    hypocrite.  
  Heard on the radio yesterday:  Doesn't it piss off God that the only people that talk to him are freaks?  
  on the condom machine in a gas station bathroom, someone had written, "this candy tastes like rubber."  that got a small chuckle out of me. but what really got me was what some white trash lowbrow trucker had written underneath it:   "this is a condom machine, you fuckin dumbass!"  what a fun guy. i wonder if he passed high school. if so, i wonder if he had friends. right now i imagine him telling some cop to mind his own damn business.   
  "God I love your tits", says he. I say nothing. "MINE" says he in a proprietary voice. I lay still. After, he complains that I never do anything during sex. Repeat ad nauseum for three years.  Finally, after the divorce when he, in a cruel moment brings up our all-sex/no-love life during, I finally give him a dose of my reality:  You treat me like an object and that's exactly what you're gonna get  
  I peered up at her from between her legs grinning from ear to ear, wetness so thick it was dripping off my face.  "Why is your face all red?"  Then I realized, she had an orgasm.  Go me.       
  you gotta love the hot weather. It gets rid of the old people!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            A flight attendant once asked me where I was from.  I said Alabama.  She said "you poor soul."  You know, she was right.  I dream of LA (Los Angeles you dip not lower Alabama) every day.     
  LAW: It is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder.  COUNTRY: USA / STATE: New Jersey   CITATION: 2C:39-13 Unlawful use of body vests.   ACTUAL: A person is guilty of a crime if he uses or wears a body vest while engaged in the commission of, or an attempt to commit, or flight after committing or attempting to commit murder, manslaughter, robbery, sexual assault, burglary, kidnapping, criminal escape or assault under N.J.S.2C:12-1b. Use or wearing a body vest while engaged in the commission of, or an attempt to commit, or flight after committing or attempting to commit a crime of the first degree is a crime of the second degree. Otherwise it is a crime of the third degree.   2: LAW: Unless a customer orders it specifically, it's against the law to serve margarine instead of butter at a restaurant.  COUNTRY: USA / STATE: Wisconsin  CITATION: 97.18(4)   ACTUAL: (4) The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer.   im wonderin, did anyone ever know that crap existd?  
  "I hate fucking Tom Jones!"  "Uhh... you fuck Tom Jones?"  
   Poor Britney (NYT 10/06/02)  Britney Spears, the pop star who brought sizzle to the schoolyard with glitter T-shirts and short shorts, strode onto a Milan runway last Tuesday evening in a $23,000 rainbow-spangled gown by Donatella Versace. It was the culmination of Ms. Spears's two-month intermission from work, ostensibly to relax but in reality to begin the process of refashioning herself for a new career. It will take more than one body-hugging dress and some nude chiffon to do the job. After her appearance in leather regalia at the MTV Video Music Awards in August, Steven Cojocaru, a fashion critic for People magazine, wrote, "Was Spears planning on doing a Village People tribute?"  The movement she led, said Craig Marks, the editor of Blender, the music magazine, is "very five minutes ago." "They are really tired of that sausage-casing look, that busting out all over the place, and they are very anti-midriff right now," Ms. Holley said. "It's a Britney backlash."   
  The word is spelled, "cigarette", you illiterate fuckos.   
  i'm thinking about emailing all my guy friends, and possibly even some random people, and asking them how much i would have to pay them to get them to sleep with me. and then i'm taking these numbers to the streets and from there, i will try and get with some random person. yes. or one of my friends.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         have you ever noticed that the more coke u do, the more eye make-up is required to get that satisfactory funky look?   
  If you ever have the chance to drink barium, do it. You get constipated for a day or two, then you shit white.  Let me repeat myself.  YOU WILL SHIT WHITE.  Damn straight I called all my friends and my girl into the bathroom to look at it.  
  My mom was grocery shopping. She saw a pregnant lady. Asked her, "When are you due?" Lady pauses. Lady yells to her husband, "Harold!  This woman thinks I'm pregnant!"   
  I was in German class when I misheard someone. They said something and I heard a different word.  The word I heard made no sense except as a totally random and stupid insult, like saying bitchnuts or assqueen or something.  I started laughing my ass off at the craziness of it and everyone stared at me.  Then the mental image that the word in question described hit me and my laughter was replaced by groans of disgust.  The word I thought was said was,   "Penis-eyes"  
        I approached the customer and asked "Can I help find anything today, Sir?" only to be embarassed beyond words when "She" looked up at me and gave me the thousand yard stare...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         last time i saw some of my neighbors was when there was no power for about 10 hrs after a storm. it was like a block party out in the street. one of my neighbors 3 houses down was was telling me: you come on down & visit sometimes. so i say: next time there's a natural disaster, i'll meet you at the curb w/ some beer.  i bet my neighbor thinks i'm as strange as i do him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This is what was said: "so... you're Asian, right?  This may sound kinda stupid, but do you see things like a movie?  You know, all wide and thin?  Well, you know how regular people's eyes are round?  But your's are wide and thin like a movie screen, do you see the world differently?" what do you say to something like that?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I discovered that writing in a public place with your weiner out really brings out the creativity within onesself.  The ride in the police car is fun too.   
  i am being molested. by my friends friends friends friend.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I opened the door as quietly as possible to my 3:00 calc class, and slowly shuffled to my seat.   "glad you could make it" my TA said.  "No problem ryan." I shouted back.  "I have to ask, why are you always 3  minutes late to class everyday?"  "Ohh, well the A-team comes on at 2:00 and ends at 2:57 and it takes me about 5 minutes to get here." I said  "You don't have many friends, do you?"  The sad thing is he's right, but the A-team still rules!   
  My friend Cord is getting married in the morning.  I am invited to go but I am not one of his grooms men.(ive known him for years that hurt.)His best man decided that his bachelor party should be him and cord renting Japanime all night.   Now it just so happens that hes getting married con weekend so I allready have a room at a hotel and a ton of booze.  I heard about "the party" they had and told them all toget to the hotel.  Cord is a slow drinker and dose not want to be hungover for the wedding to boot.  that dont fly with me so Im taking shots with him every few minets. My freind kyle pors some vodka and oJ into his own mouth shakes his head and shouts now thats a drink. \ I not to be out done grab a bottle of hundred proof Southern comfort and a bottle of makers mark and begin pooring them down my throught.   aside form offering a police officer a shot nearly getting into fight with a bell boy because he wouldnt take a tip and telling security that they even think of coming in the pool after me il swim to mexico or somthing like that i remeber nothing.   The next day no less then 20 people I had never seen in my life came up to me and asked "are you all right travis"   to which I replyed "my toe hurts" (it did)  they would shake there heads laughuing pat my shoulder and walk away.  I still dont remeber how they new me.  huh.  
  4th of july 2002... I set out to get plastered.. that's my whole point for the night.  So i start downing jack and cokes...  then I start downing whatever anyone will hand me...  well by 2 AM i am beyond shitfaced and start puking.. at least they got me into the bathroom first... well everytime I even get teh dry heaves I take half a roll of toilet paper and proceed to scrub the bathroom floor telling anyone that will listen to me "at least I'm a clean drunk".....  
  living with my best friend of many years in college.  I somehow managed to masturbate, at least twice a nite for over a year and a half.  Doing the math this comes out to about 750 times in the span we lived there.  Him, 5 feet away, playing Quake. Never ONCE noticed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was picking the scabs off my feet.  Big yellow thick ones that came off in clumps.  I flicked them into my ashtray.  Later, smoking a cigarette, I wondered what was making that loud crackling sound everytime I put the cigarette down.  Roasting scabs.  That's what is was.  
  Once I was in the shower with my girlfriend after a nice morning of sex.  as she was washing herself, i stood there letting the water pound on my neck and i had to piss.  being the male that i am, i wasnt about to hop out of the shower, so i was ready to do it in there.  mad that she wouldnt fuck me doggystyle that morning, i just went ahead and let it go all over her back and all - she still doenst know to this day that shes been pissed on.    now i do it all the time.  
  we went to a party in northwest campus and didn't know most of the people, but hey, beer.  it's fun, we smoke out quite a few of the party-goers, and oh beer.  a homeless guy named Hank shows up randomly, totally fucked up and helping himself to the kegs, all the while saying bizarre and creepy things to everyone.  two of my female friends and Kramer are outside when he approaches, and instead of staying to protect the womens, he bolts inside.  about a half hour later, kramer sits down next to amber on the couch and she asks, "are you going to run away this time?"  to which kramer replies, "only if a homeless guy sits down next to me" with a big grin.  hank, sitting next to kramer, turned from his conversation to say, "hey, i showered yesterday!"  
  I read something disturbing on a food product to-day, you know those "baking quarters" of shortning, well on the label it states very clearly "Not to be used as a spread" and all I can do is wonder WHY?  
  He said, in a worried tone, "I'm just concerned you're becoming depressed, you seem to have cut yourself off from everyone around you." No, asshole, just you.   
  sixty pounds solid weight most of the food and all of the liquid the tent and tarp and cookware all jammed into the jansport i didnt want to hear her complain about the weight after she went off about how in shape she was from running the beantown marathon halfway down from desolation shelter in the rain i slip and fall facefirst onto the rocky trail and  distinctly heard the wrist snap that muffled dried kindlling snap as i attempted to keep my face from becoming hamburger i get up can we keep going please im getting wet she whines we hike out i get home and drive myself and my now huge wrist to beth isreal she had to take a shower before going anywhere two weeks later she attempted to convince me to get married while i was itching inside my wrist cast with a piece of a broken carabiner hows about no fucking way you selfish bitch does that count for talking about my feelings         
  he starts a tirade i sat on the stool next to him and he acted as though i was his long lost buddy just back from the john  excuse me you must have mistaken me for someone else is someone else sitting here says i if there is youre sitting on his lap says he for some reason the shitty day the fact that im one of two people at the bar in the barcar of the lirr back from a weekend of beach and into the drudgery of work who knows it was the funniest thing i had heard in a long time i bought him a beer and listened to the rest of his rant it was a good one       
  ... 38 attempts which took me back again to that lame login screen...  "Sorry, that handle is already taken by another user"  What happens when you want to think about something poetic, strong, edgy, innovative, insightful (om2kxfg! I said insightful)...?  EggMcMuffinFart  Couldn't figure out anything stronger than that.  Think lowbrow.  
  She had two presents for me on Valentines day, just a day before our 6 month anniversary.  One was a decent, warm, long sleeve shirt that was oh-so comfortable. The second thing was what she wore under her outfit.  The next day I broke up with her, citing my reasons.  It was exactly 6 months.  One year later, it's Valentines day.  I go out with my friends, she with hers... we end up at the same club.  I'm wearing the shirt... hey, it's still comfortable.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't figure out if I'm frightened or turned on by cheerleaderatyercrotch.  Maybe both.   
  No matter where I go, if I am walking, I get honked at at least once.  Without fail.  I'm not ugly, but I'm not traffic stopping gorgeous either.  People honk at me when I'm wearing a sweatshirt down to my knees, when I'm walking with a bunch of my little cousins, whenever.  Its sort of flattering, but pretty annoying. Especially when its creepy old men.     When these type honk at me or offer me a ride, I always like to spit some nasty spit really loud and hard and far.  They usually leave me alone then.   
  I watched him coming out of what I knew to be the "fuck you I'm outta this dump" meeting with the boss.  His face was impossible to read.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My grown children and I, sitting around the dinner table. The "kids" relating experiences of "being made fun of while in high school".  I said, "I never had anyone make fun of me in high school."  My son said, "Of course you didn't, you Aryan, you."  
  I finally convinced her to lend me her car one night.  I had my brother in the car and a buddy of mine in the back seat. We stopped to purchase some drugs and while bro and I were inside, buddy's gallon of cheap red wine and three plates of sphagetti makes their triumphant return. It seems he was too drunk to find the door handles.  The next morning is spent detailing. The car is much cleaner than when I got it.   Three days later she pulls up the seat lever and has a hand nearly full of bright red, partially digested pasta.  Somehow, she knew immediately...  
  "Do you like candlewax?"  I dunno, I never tried it, so about 20 min later I'm lying on my stomach butt-naked with her straddling my legs holding a large lavendar candle  She sneezed  The candle jerked, spilling wax  straight onto my ass, into the top of my crack  I'm male, and have a moderately hairy ass  Five minutes later, we had a purple mold of the crack of my ass, complete with hair  
  Once fell asleep in a ditch after drinking a massive amount of alcohol..woke up covered in frost..i figure the amount of alcohol in my blood stopped me freezing.. Then i taught..if i had have pissed myself..my balls mihght have iced over and froze..i dont sleep in ditches anymore  
  Three's company, and four's an orgy.  
  Everyone hates aol, and yet, we are still dumb fucks for using it. this is not up to par with the rest of the good shit here on lowbrow, but it made me wonder what kind of fucked up tech support is working at aol.  if you happen to forget your password, or they just freeze your account for some reason and you need your password there at aol.com, they will give you great help. here is what one can do:   Click on the link "I forgot my password" this will take you to another page where you are asked to type in your screen name. and to the side of this page it says "Submit your Screen Name and we will e-mail your password in a few minutes."  I've got a question, how the fuck do you get your password from your email if you can't remember it in the first place?  time to switch to a real email service that doesn't charge up the ass to pay stupid motherfuckers who come up with support like that.  
  Imagine that one day there was a heat wave that only affected certain objects. The weather was warm and calm, like before a hurricane, but all water - puddles and so forth - were blazing hot. A man walks towards  you holding something...suddenly he drops it in extreme pain. Its a roll of quarters. You try to pick it up but burn your hand. The man explains that all quarters are blazing hot and banks are trying to get rid of them, but the quarters are too hot to handle and as a result tongs are needed to pick them up. Thus tongs have become a valuable commodity...people are paying eight dollars and up for a pair of tongs strong enough to pick up a roll of quarters. No other coins are mentioned...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Last Call On Cocaine   So I just snorted up my half of the eightball with Christy in one line.  We've now finished all the coke for the night.  She looks at me and says  "There aren't any boogers in my nose, and I don't care how nasty this is or what you think."  And proceeds to jam her fingers up her nose and wipe it out, and lick them.  I figured what the hell and also proceeded to dig for white gold.  Hey, my nose was complete cocaine after a date with over a quarter ounce cocaine, so I feel slightly justified.  Just slightly.    At least I wasn't the one who ate the ashes of the coke cigarette hoping to find some burnt cocaine.  
  At an hour long past midnight and several beers past sobriety, the annals of downtown Seattle beckoned me and mine.  A party of three, wandering back-alleys and side streets for the longest time before stumbling upon "IT".  "IT" happened to be a giant garbage bag full of video tapes, which we all but tripped over. From the titles we guessed it was all pornography. The quantity being roughly 100 tapes in a  huge  plastic bag.  So, feeling the alcohol and my sense of duty more than common sense, I slung the bag over my shoulder like a perverse, leather clad Santa Claus and set out onto the main streets of downtown.  I proclaimed myself the minister of porno, and accosted the public, dispensing many tapes as the night wore on.  Most folk were wary of the lush handing out free "porn for the people," but took the tapes anyway. We were eager to please, men... women... couples... hoboes... fast food workers... fellow drunks, and so forth.  We buttonholed as many people as we saw, before time came to turn in.  Still in our posession were about 30 tapes, so we pop one in the VCR.  Ay! Homo porn! Not what I wanted to see at all...  Next tape...  Eh... more homo porn?  Next tape...  All 30 or so tapes turned out to be full of gay porn(although one of the tapes had "tiny toons" on it, a noodle-scratcher, that one).  I was disappointed, and one of my associates mantioned they "Felt bad for all the folks we had unwittingly duped into taking this porn."   So I remark "Well, odds are some of them were gay anyway, and besides... it's not like it cost them anything."  I thought that was fair enough.  We spent the rest of the evening picking funny names out of the phone book and mailing gift-wrapped gay porn to them.  Good times, good times...    
  How to Shoplift 101:  - Get extraordinarily trashed.  - Change into loose clothing, with an oversized shirt, untucked.  - Go to grocery store, stuff steak, caviar, etc. into  your pants (No point in stealing cheetohs, you know.).  - IMPORTANT - Buy one loaf of bread.  - Talk casually with the cashier, joke, banter.    - Repeat on successive nights.        This is known as "Going Krogering", and was perfected in my college days when we always had money for beer, but never money for food.    
  unconfirmed trailer trash ism he named his two sons john called one of them jack for jack daniels and the other jim for jim beam  what no johnny walker good thing the guy didnt love woo woos or zombies   
  Went to the gym this morning, and found a 2 foot long blonde hair in my underwear.  The only person I know with blonde hair that long is my mother in law, and she hasn t been in town for almost two months.  My life is full of little mysteries like that.   
   It's All About Timing  She just actually is the Most Beautiful Woman In The World. We've had a wonderful evening chatting away, with her and I flashing occasional glances at each other. Her eyes are just to die for. My other two guests leave, and we're left alone. Easy-time company. We load up the bong with our competing versions of GodWeed, and just talk our asses off. Sweet, sweet beautiful woman. She flashes fire when she looks at me. She:"Ooh, I've got to get back to my hotel..." Me: "No, you don't." Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck did I ever blow it. Way too soon. She's out of there in three minutes, with me slobbering saliva in her trail. Fucked that one up feh shuah. Oh, by the way, this all happened fifteen minutes ago.  
  Whippets do the strangest things... Besides getting your hands dirty because they don't clean the little chargers...  For instance... you realize that what you're watching on TV has a deep and significant impact.  At the peak of the high, ANYTHING surrounding you, including movies, TV, or music, is suddenly FAR TOO PERTINENT and seems to make complete and total sense, and "Why didn't I realize this before??" pops into your head...  This, of course, is BUNK.  If anything is going to have a significant impact, it will be your head on the furniture and walls.  Check yourself for fractures.  Do you know WHY you are suddenly remembering the oddest things?  Because you're FORGETTING a lot in the background.  Not forgetting, plain wiping out.  You won't realize this until later, and then you'll have MANY instances of, "Why the hell can't I remember something that simple??"...  Gravity has strange effects.  Like, it's there, in full effect, and you can't move.  In fact the softest of beds feels like concrete.  Amazing.    You seem to recall feeling that feeling before, and that you need to recall this at a later date.  You do NOT.  The effect you feel next time will be much the same, even though it may seem to be awfully impacting.  No, this is not true.  It's a shame you can't put your finger on it.  You can't feel anything so how can you finger it?  Coincidentally, I didn't even bleed when my head hit the dresser and subsequently the edge of the doorway from a resounding bounce.  My skull felt a bit mushy, but no more mushy than the usual. From then on, I no longer did them while sitting down, and god forbid I reach for anything on the dresser ever again...  
  My mom is a beautiful woman.  She looks about half her age with the most incredible skin, beautiful piercing brown eyes, thick curly dark brown curls, a body any 47 year old would kill for, and the greatest smile.   My boyfriend came over to my mom's house for the first  time for dinner one night and browsed the pictures.  We eat, socialize, and then we realize it is getting late and start getting our things together to go back up to school.  It is at this time that he says to me, "that's amazing, that your mom could look so good"!  I nodded and smiled, proud of my mom.    He then adds, "and I think it's even cuter that you look exactly like your dad".    
  one time i went to K-Mart and i saw a paper sign in the sports isle that said "please do not play with balls. ask an employee to assist you." fair enough. it was near the toy ball display. after a while i saw the same sign near the athletic supporters, and i started laughing my ass off. if only those signs were permanent...  
  My housemate came home from a particularly bad day. He was slowly following my antisocial cat all over the apartment, and the furball kept evading him. The tabby finally ran into my room and under my bed. My housemate stopped, aggrieved. He looked at me, paused, and said, "I *need* to pet the cat!"  His girlfriend piped up, "Pet the Michelle - she's easier!"  She didn't understand why we were laughing so hard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         5:30 in the goddamn morning, and that stupid bitch across the street has her car stereo cranked up and the doors open while she is still in the house getting ready for work. Like you have to warm up the sound system or something... uh huh. I'd had enough, so I snatch up the baseball bat and stomp across in my pajamas, ready to kill. "Look!" I scream into the house through the screen door. "I can hear your shit all the way over there. Turn it down NOW!" She scampers outside, turns it down, and retreats back into her house, saying not word one. "Who knew I could be so scary?" I said to my husband as I crawled back into bed. "She didn't say a thing." "Hon" he points out. "Your top is totally unbuttoned." Free show and no bloodshed... bitch got off easy this time.   
  My brother's an idoit.  He put his finger in the cigarette lighter of my mom's car to see what would happen.  (Keep in mind he was 18 at the time, he's supposed to be a bit more intelligent than a chimp on crack.)  He got third degree burns on his finger because his reaction time obviously matches his IQ. They should outlaw people like him from mating.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read a moment about someone being a street-sign klepto.  I can identify...  I used to steal road signs like they would appreciate in value.  The usual ones like "No Parking" "Stop" and "Authorized Vehicles Only" Etc.  The gem, a large green sign reading  "Caution: chlorine gas leaks. Ever present danger, be on alert for constant audible signal which indicates possible gas leaks!"   I think about it, and that sign probably REALLY should have stayed where it was.  I hope there's not a guy out there somewhere, listening to a distant siren and thinking nothing of it while he slowly asphyxiates.  Oh well, that sign looks great on the door to my bathroom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The best laid plans of mice and men amount to a hill of beans when the shit hits the fan.  
  sitting down to enjoy my hot pocket, i realize the middle is still cold. to reheat it i need the foil sleeve it came in. without second thought i reach into the garbage can and get it. no regrets.  
  the chips are almost gone so there's only the broken half-chips at the bottom of the bag.  the microwave glass jar queso is just about gone too.  dipping is no longer an option, which leaves grabbing a mouthful of crumbs with a spoonful of queso as the chaser.  
  So my monitor's all staticky and stuff, i'm not really sure why, it just is.  (Maybe because it's an old piece of shit from like 1983, but hey, who's counting?) Out of boredom, i stick a piece of paper to the screen.  It sticks perfectly.  After thinking it through, i guess i should be concerned about it.  But all i can think is the first impression i had when i saw the paper sticking:  Cool, now i don't have to buy anymore fucking post it notes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My pregnant wife has gone totally hormonal.  I just found out that the medical insurance I will be eligible for in two months completely covers vasectomies.  Oh yeah, its going to get interesting around here real soon.  
  i smell bullshit he tries to convince me that this little story happened so i walk down the halway and the room next to me is party central and the door is open a crack I knock too loud inside so I swing the door open a bit wider and there were three chicks going down on this one chick and they were all on x or something i stood there for like ten minutes before they noticed and screamed at me  yeah the  chicks thing gives you away cos if you ever were with a woman for more than twenty seconds youd stop that shit reading to many pornomags ya loser          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          i have a birthmark on my head about one inch long...it's sort of what it would look like if my teacher made me put my chewing gum on the top of my head, 4 inches above my ear.... anyways, i lament the fact that i can't shave my head, for fear of looking freakish and having little kids pick at my skull on the bus, thinking they hit the wrigley's spearmint goldmine        
  So i'm pretty hairless over my upper body, and i can't grow a beard worth a damn.  I've got nice hair on my legs, soft and curly, not too thick.  But my pubic hair... perfect.  A mighty lion's mane, long and thick and soft, and with a festive happy trail.  
   From a (somewhat) Newcomer to a 'Longtimer'   Ah, Limbo... you say you'd use a real email address if you could take back the one about the panties, the head, and the whacking-off...  It's more fun when you expose your deep, dark secrets to the world while using your real email address. The shame ratio gets jacked right up, and that's where the fun is.  To wit:  I used to wonder about anal penetration. Seemed like lots of people liked it. During my 'exploratory' phase (roughly 14-16) I made a habit of sticking baby carrots in my ass. I couldn't figure out why people liked it.  Now I think back and I know why I didn't: Water is not a good lube. Neither is shampoo. That shit burns forever.  
  Nothing will cure a hangover faster then a 10 sack of White Castle hamburgers for breakfast after a heavy night of drinking.   However, nothing will intensify a hangover more then a 10 sack of White Castle hamburgers BEFORE a night of heavy drinking.   There is serious research money that needs to be invested in this phenomenon.  
  I was two generations out of the double-wide until mother relocated to a 'mobile retirement community' my genetics protested feebly I admit but she bitched me back to silence I pleaded the brown-eyed susans are stifled in pots the green carpeting outside that passes for lawn feels only wrong on naked feet and the wheels beneath your home are rusted through with thirty years of want and waiting  to go anywhere at all   
  Last week, home with flu, I  watched Martha Stewart in my fevered dose.  She is easier to take when you can't move, when will is gone, when fantasies of her billions, her sturdy little legs locked around me, fade in and out, in and out.  
   If you weren't Irish yesterday, you aren't Irish today. Now take your green beer and fuck off.        
        do you mind says the lithe woman to the guy next to her at the bar as she takes a cigarette from the pack pause no of fucking course i dont mind take the whole fucking pack he throws it at her as he knocks over his drink then grabs the coat he was sitting on and stomps flailing and muttering as he leaves the bar i reach over and offer her a light  
  I once worked for a small clothing store whose owner died and left it to his flaky son. Son partied with part of the income, then took the rest and went on a quest to "find himself". He came back addicted to some weird cult with a swami-type leader, who had told him that the color yellow was spiritually bad for him. We employees had to come in afterhours for a week and purge the store of yellow. We sent back all the merchandise at a devastating loss, and repainted a good portion of the fixtures.  The end came when he took over the one employees' restroom and converted it to a "meditation room", complete with huge color portrait of the swami above an altar. He said a truly spiritually evolved person could hold in their bodily processes. He fired every single one of us after no one would confess to drawing horns and a groucho-mustache on the swami's picture and then shitting on the altar. I read in the hometown paper the other day he was picked up for burglary, after an extended period as a homeless crack addict.  Way to evolve spiritually, Bruce!  
  I recently read about the complete work stoppage on a subway because they found a dead snake and the environmentalists went all hysterical about it. I have to wonder: 1. Did the snake happen to be of the variety that cures cancer or something? 2. What kind of idiot construction worker runs to tattle on himself for killing a snake? What, he couldn't just shove the carcass into a sack and toss it?  Then I decided I was worrying about the wrong stuff and went back to searching for kitten porn.  
   When I get done watching a rented movie I rewind it to the exact spot where the plot/secret is revieled or anyplace I deem will ruin the movie best.  Then I return it.  They never check them before renting them out again. I know this because alot of the movies I rent aren't rewound.  The knowledge that I piss someone off every time a new movie comes out (I rent EVERY new movie the day it comes out) entertains me more than the movies do.  I laugh my ass off everytime I think about how VCRs automaticaly play when you put in the cassette.  I am an asshole.  
  In college I thought it was cool to hang out with friends and drink thick, expensive, micro-brewed beer. Now I realize there is nothing cooler than sitting in my apartment by myself with a 12-pack of Pabst and a Hustler.  
  She started talking to me as soon as I arrived and I thought I was on to a winner.  "She's 14", they told me.  Fourteen! Admittedly she looked a lot older, but fourteen years old and out in a club on a Saturday night.   "Fuck that", I thought and started talking to the fat girl instead. She wasn't pretty but at least she was legal.  
  Ah, Lowbrow. Seven of us are eating at a family restaurant. I don't know how it comes up, but something prompts me to quote a Lowbrow moment, loudly: "What? You'll suck my dick but you won't use my toothbrush?" The family at the next table stops eating. There is silence. Ah, Lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "any day that ends in 'Y' is a good day to drink."  
  In high school my friend Karen and I went camping for a week and never showered. Five whole days without touching one bit of soap.That still gives me a gratifying sense of acomplishment to this day.  
  so... I'm in a bowling league at college and we play with everyone in my major, its kind of a way for us to "get out" of our jail cells--- i mean studios..   I've always been a "good girl" , except for one bowling league night when I decided to get drunk....(for the first time)    The team we were playing that night were a team of guys, boring guys .....so we are just bowling along and one of them gets up and goes to the pop machine (its approx. 300 feet away), when he returns he says: "hey I could hear you all the way over at the pop machine"...and I said....  "I WASN'T AT THE POP MACHINE!".....      
  feelin down, so i typed "hope" into a search engine. 300 hits, bob hope fan sights, and one about a gay and lesbian church in dallas...  
  I smashed Viv the Vulva-mobile. I hung up my Clitgirl garb. I devoted myself to living a non-dramatic life. I switched to tea. I refused to date. I started eating Total for breakfast, instead of the ubiquitous coke-ana-smoke. I moved, cultivated a sense of humor, played endless games of "Princess" with my 4 year old, tolerantly smiled when my teenager played Britney Spears yet quietly praised the likes of Pink and Avril Levigne, and listened while the couple downstairs screamed at each other until their children cried.   It's worth the lack of drama, I've decided. Anytime I start feeling otherwise, I just listen to them fighting below me and think, THIS is what your neighbours put up with for over 3 years. She sounds like a shrieking harpy, and so, I guess, did I.  The dick and the harpy. Oh yeah. I remember that.   Perfect couple.   
  I held my friends hand as he clutched his stomach in agony with the other. Begging us to tell him why we let him drink that much.   Waiting hours so that he would puke just in case he had alcohol poisoning.   We all swore we wouldn't let him ever drink again. And that we should cut back ourselves. Because nobody wants to end up like that. With puke in their hair and having people hold a bucket to their face.  The next weekend we got drunk off our asses...  Wow, what a way to go...  
  So my friend just confided in me that he had reached a low point in his relationship with a very attractive coed reputed to be a nymphomaniac.  "You know things are bad," he said,"when, despite all teh sex, the little things start to drive you up the wall."  "Like what?" i asked.  "He shrugged and replied, "I don't know, the sound of her voice . . ."  Thing is, he still banged her until he found a replacement.  The lucky bastard.  
  this weekend, after a concert, i peed in an Arby's cup.  i really had to go, you see, and i didn't want to lose my spot in line to meet the band.    the crowd didn't mind.  it was my boyfriend who got pissed.  it was his soda.    he didn't believe me when i told him i had pissed in there, he shoulda known that sprite isn't really that color.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Spending some time with the young lady I have been seeing who seems to absolutely love going down on me.  I'm rebuilding her computer as she lies on my bed and in the most seductive voice says, "Baby, let me suck your cock."  My response.....(get ready to scream)  "Right now?"  Way too much time in front of these damned machines......  
  The last year in little league, me and most of my 16 year old teamates made the all star team. My friend and I were the first two announced relatively speaking. As proud as i was for my friend, as he ran out there in front of the huge spectating crowd, i coudln't help but notice something peculiar, his shirt was tucked into his underwear. . .oh his smile (as well as his tidy-whiteys) glowed for miles and miles. . a great day for us all.  
  My mother's minivan is out to kill me.  It's going to jump me while I'm sleeping.  
  Some jock at a nearby high school got caught having sexual intercourse with a turkey.  (one of the many turkey incidents in my area, sadly i admit)  They put his name, and a picture of him in the paper, and then next to the crimes he "allegedly" committed (on film) they put his foot ball stats.   Does anyone else thing there is something wrong with that?  
  I realized something today.  My life is like a cheap, low-quality porno without the sex.  
  Awakened from a great nap by the contant thwap thwap thwap of a basketball being bounced off the garage door of the empty house next door, I charged outside, grabbing the first weapon-like thing I saw on the way. There is nothing to scare the shit out of two twelve-year-old boys than to shoot a basketball into pudding with a nailgun.  I guess I should have gotten dressed first, too.   
  the game they played often was guess the town or buy breakfast which entailed waking up after a serious bender and pulling your face off the lawn or your head off a fence and trying to figure out just where the fuck you passed out what sucked was when you won and the fuckers youre with cant manage a bagel and a cup of joe from the mangled singles and piles of dimes left over the most memorable winner was nissequogue  
  don the gay waiter walks up to our table while we are in the midst of a deep conversation about what we do and do not believe in.  we ask don "do you believe in a higher power?"  his reply: "i have to believe there's something up there that can help me restore my sanity!"  upon saying this, he left our table.  i turn to andy and say "i don't think anything can help that, don."    
  When my best friend and were like 12/13, we would always come up with ways to try to look older to buy cigarettes.   Once, my friend thought it would be a good idea to stuff her shirt to make herself look pregnant.    There's NO WAY she looked 18...or pregnant for that matter.  But it worked.      
  Due to an incredible miscalculation, the truck hung some 7-8 feet up in the air. The perfect split second of weightlessness seeming to stretch forever.   Then gravity reasserted its hold on the vehicle and it's contents with a rather sickening crunch.  No broken bones though, and now I am a GOD to those who witnessed it...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've been reading lowbrow for about 15 minutes now, and have yet to read a moment by ee, limbo, ladeefrickinda, or cheerleaderatyercrotch. something is gravely wrong  
  i was in love with someone else.    "what's your game?" i asked him.  he mumbled, "well, i like you, the conversations we have.." [and here i interrupt to point out that we had fucked more times than we had engaged in conversation] "...but you know, i've been seeing someone on and off for a year, i'm ten years older than you..." he tried hard to come up with a good third reason.  "do you think," i asked, "that if you weren't good in bed you'd be here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Because of a certain local organization, there are occasional midgets and/or dwarves in the bar. One girl was pretty cute and was standing on the bar stool ordering a Newcastle. I whispered to my girlfriend conspiratorily, "Can we take a little person home?" --"Would that make you feel like a big man?"  
  Announced over the Hinesville, Georgia Super Wal-Mart speakerphone system:  "Can we get someone up here who talks Mexican?"  
  it was years ago, but i still remember it..wasn't like it was supposed to be special..went out drinking as every other night..crashed at my friend's..but when we woke up the next morning, the air was crisp, cool-and smoking a cigarette on our way to breakfast, walking down that leafy lane has remained in my mind for 4 years as one of the best days..                                   kind of sad  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i started working at this company five months ago. about a week after i started, i realized this guy who had stalked me all winter (and i mean, go thru odd lengths to find my number call me show up 'accidentally' where i was hanging out) also works here.   I've successfully avoided him for the past few months. i think he's a bit embarressed.   This girl just transfered to my department, and i start seeing him all the time. It dawns on me tonight that this is because this girl is his girlfriend. they've been going out for awhile and everything. He doesn't seem to want to make a lot of eye contact with me.do i tell her her boyfriend had this mildly annoing habit of stalking me for a few months back there?  (mustnotruinotherpeopleshappylivesmustnotruinotherpeopleshappylives....)  
  I wound up with tiny red itchy lumps on my wang after intimacies with my girlfriend.  Flopped it out for the doctor who said `oh, that's *nothing*, just get some anti fungal cream'.  No probs there. It's gone in 24 hours (but has a tendency to come back).  Here's the lowbrow bit.   It feels so damn good to rub it, I have been known to nurture it for a day or two and let it get realllly itchy, then pound away furiously.    It's better than sex, I swear to god.  
    My housemate calls me lazy because I piss out of my second story window, even though the bathroom is closer to my bed than the window is. Actually, I just don't want to leave my room.  
  After I had thoroughly eaten her out, she warned me: no mouth-to-mouth kissing until I brushed my teeth.  "Because of the cut in your mouth?" I asked.  "Because it's gross to taste your own cum," she responded.  I was genuinely surprised.  "You've never tasted your own cum?  Not even out of curiosity?"  She.  Freaked.  She was all, "EEEWW, NO!  That's like a guy tasting his own jizz, EW EW EW."   I gave her a look.  She gave me one back.  "You mean you've....?"  "Of course not," I replied.  Shit, I'll never tell.  
  anyone who whose about the game "busdriver" can relate to my story.  me and some friends were playing bus driver and we ran out of beer. the only thing we had left to play with was peppermint schnaupps. the game went on, and at some point i went home. the next morning i was awakened by a horrible noise. after coming to, i realized what had happened during the night. i had apparently mistaken my purse for the trash can and threw up in it. the horrible noise i woke up to was the slobber of my dog chewing the vomitus filled purse and the money that was in it. sorry to say it made me vomit again on the floor and left it, knowing the dog would clean it up for me...  
  "Do you come here often?", I asked the girl at the bar, hoping that this classic line would yield a result.  "Are you serious?", was her reply.  I spent a while trying to persuade her that I was genuinely interested, but she left.  Must try harder.    
  He wakes us up on Thanksgiving morning, shaking and kicking us out of our drunken slumber on the carpet, chair, and couch.  "It's time! It's time!" "It's not till 11 asshole." "He'll let us in early. Maybe they need help setting up. We can have bloody marys or something..." We are inspired by his enthusiasm and 5 minutes later we are running down the hill through town, cheering, sliding in a thin coating of new fallen snow. It is a perfect morning. It is his first totally nude girly show.  
  I used to work with this girl, who told me this story about her mother and her mothers boyfriend.  She came home one day from work and as she opened the door she heard a little scream.  When she looked in she saw her mothers boyfriend sitting on the couch with no pants and her mother on her knees in front of him.   When she saw her daughter, all her mother could do was laugh, with a big cummy grin on her face. People from Sudbury are fucked up  
  Plenty of people get the alcohol shits. But when I drink heavily, the shit the next day comes out smelling of methanol...  So today, monday morning I awake nursing a hangover.  Later at school I make a mad dash for the toilet before my ass explodes.  Just as I'm wiping someone comes in, and shortly exclaims "Has someone been drinking in here?"  Whoops.  
  (not my moment -- this one belongs to every Englishman who ever came into my father's pub.)  Dad: "So, there was another Englishman in here last week. He bet &pound;10 that nobody could drink ten pints in a half-hour.  "I told him to wait until Jimmy came in, and he'd have a bet on his hands.  "Jimmy came in and had a pint, and the Englishman told him about the bet. Jimmy looked a little troubled, said he'd think about it, and walked out.  "When he comes back, he tells me to set up ten pints of light ale, then proceeds to polish them off one at a time.  "He finishes in about twenty minutes, lifts up the &pound;10, and orders a pint of heavy ale.  "The Englishman shakes his hand, and asked him why he had walked out earlier. Jimmy says: 'Well, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to the pub next door and tried it first.'"  
  My dad told me when I was a little kid that stealing would get me sent to prison where I would only be able to eat stale bread and water.  I didn't know what stale bread was, I thought he was saying steel, so I imagined metal bread with a riveted crust.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Riding on bicycle one summer with friend, heading in the direction of middle country road (main commercial road).  We run into some slightly inebriated guy walking the same way.   "Hey Ill give you 5 bucks for a ride to the bar"  Me and my friend discuss; of course its worth five bucks.  We ride him down the road to his little bar, riding on my friends handlebars.  Friend hits pothole, guy makes face like his balls are busted.    We still got the five bucks though.  
  I frequently buy 30-pack crave cases of jalapeno cheeseburgers at White Castle. They're great to reheat in the oven at 325 and taste even better a little bit crunchy.   When you fart or shit after eating them, it smells exactly like the White Castles.  I hope I meet some shit fetishists that think it's funny that my kitchen and bathroom smell exactly the same, because nobody else does.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know how you can usually tell what someone's like by the kind of people they hang out with? Yeah, I'm not telling anyone I wanna date about Lowbrow.  
  I made her take off her aircast to her sprained knee so I could bang her.  Hey, at least I ate her out 1st.  
  After living in places like Vermont, Ohio, and a small town in Northern Washington, I was excited!! I was moving to Seattle!!    Of course now I live next to "crack park", live 2 blocks from the WTO riots, got tear gassed while walking to school, was told by a man dragging a tarp on the bus "not to touch his house", and told by a man talking to his shoes that there was "a revolution a coming".  I can't believe I waited so long to move here!      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my friends and I decide to hit up Broadway on a Sat. night. We've already had enough pizza and beer to level an army. I drive. We park.  So the 5 of us are walking up Broadway, on our way to Lil' Darlings. Jake, being very drunk keeps yelling titties, Im going to see titties, you goin to see titties, Im going to see titties.   We come to an intersection where we see this white Pontiac Grand Prix. The window banner said "SupaCharged BIATCH".  We all stopped and died laughing on the street in front of Centerfolds. "SupaCharged BIATCH" comes up in conversations once a month, at least.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Amadeus" high school theater production, senior year.   My role: Major Domo - basically means I wear a frilly shirt, jacket, knickers, wig, makeup and tights, get called "Major Homo" a lot backstage (funny *and* original) and choreograph set changes in the dark while action is taking place on other parts of the stage.   I have one line.  I walk in on Mozart and his chickadee in the parlor room of a manor where he's giving a show, and say "Her ladyship is ready to commence."  This line is the only thing separating my AP Drama ass from the nameless, talentless hacks in the "chorus."   It gets worse.  Final dress rehearsal.  I walk in, interrupt the frilly horseplay and proclaim:  "..."  "..."     "Line?"  Shoot me.  
  These cold Winter nights make me think back...  ...to those really hot Summer evenings, lying bollock naked on my bed, listening to the radio with a desktop fan turned on me...  ...no, I'm not including information about my sex.  
  i never thought there was such a thing as a bad blowjob. i mean, surely every blowjob since the beginning of time has been a  terrific  blowjob.  i thought that until a girl i met sucked my dick for an hour and a half. i never even came close to climax.   i guess it felt all right, but is there any satisfaction in knowing that your sperm didn't end up in some chick's mouth?  or her stomach for that matter?  
  Girlfriend is pissed at me.  I ask why.  "What were you staring at the blonde girl for?"  I have no idea who she s talking about.  I was busy looking at the darkhaired girl with the pierced bellybutton.  
  so my (male) friend was sitting on a ledge, legs spread, my other (also male) friend sitting between them. john (the first one) jokingly says "okay, its time to hump david (the other one) again. david missed this comment and a few seconds later, completely unknowingly says "okay, something just poked me, and im bleeding". those of us that only heard the comments and didnt see anything had no idea he was talking about his arm...  
  i'm hunkered up on the john one day. no paper. reach under the sink for some. there is a super jumbo (like 24 rolls or some such) pack there. do my business.   next day i reach under the sink in the spare bath for a towel. i see two jumbo packs of tp there. i go through the house and count 64 rolls of tp. wife says it was on sale. i razz her ass about it.   fast forward two weeks. big snow storm. we are snowed in for ten days. i'm wiping my ass with old newspaper cuz she hid all the toilet paper.   i married her for her sense of humor.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A guy who used to pick on me in 5th grade now pumps the gas into my brand new truck.  It's been more than ten years since 5th grade, and still, I find this so fucking satisfying.  If he ever quits, I'll have to learn to pump my own gas.  
  of all my friends, and people I have ever met that smoked, not one of them has been able to stop smoking cigarrettes for more than 6 months.  Not one. And yet, I remain fairly confident that I will have no problem quitting when i really decide that i need to. you just cant fade how much fun smoking is.  
  Darren, Andrew and I were clearing a path to our new fort in the woods during the summer of my 11th year.  Andrew picked a particularly gnarly old branch at about waist hight to work on.  He twisted and he pulled and he yanked.  His last effort was to grab with both hands and push down as hard as he could.    *SNAP*  The branch broke.  The sharpened stump came up and slashed him up the right side of his neck.  He ran into my house screaming.  Darren and I looked at each other and, being 11 year old boys in a stressful situation, laughed silly.  We went inside, still laughing, as my mom called his mom.  Andrew didn't think it was very funny, and, through sputters and tears said,  "*sniff* Don't laugh, guys. *sniff sniff* It could get infected and they'll have to amputate my head"  We didn't stop laughing.  
  I was 6. We were at Disneyworld. I had to go "make poopy" really bad. We were already on line for the Log Floom. I was told to wait. We got on. At some point during the Log Floom, I shit my pants. Afterwards, my dad helped me take off my underpants in the Men's Room and dump the shit into the toilet. We threw away the underpants and I walked around the rest of the day without underwear on.  
  One night in college I went to this  cowboy party .  There was only Jack Daniels to drink for the guys.  I was trying to show off how cool I am (I am really not) by drink full 6oz glasses at a time.  I remember walking home, and then my roommates were making fun of me because I was so drunk.  I decided to go outside and vomit.  I started to strip down, got down to my boxers and barfed and passed out.  Take in mind this is mid December and I am 20oz of Jack and lying in a snow bank passed out.  Wake up at 5am in a stranger s living room with two cats eating my barf.  There is a golden retriever at the top of the stairs barking at me.  I can hear the residents of the house waking up; I knock over the family table on my search for the exit.  I find the door open it then fall through the screen door. It took me 30min to find my way home even though my house was only a block away.  I never got busted and had to wait 2 weeks to tell anyone about the incident because I was scared of going to jail.  Jack Daniels is poison!!!  
  I get on the plane. A seven and a half hour flight. I look at my ticket. It is the aisle seat next to the toilets all the way at the back of a packed flight. Being a preferred customer, I get riled and demand the cabin services manager give me a reasonable seat. She says: "It's a full flight, sir, but I will see what I can do." Arms crossed, I tap my foot, look angry, and wait.  She returns and says "Someone has graciously offered to switch seats. Follow me ". I pick-up my carry-on, and follow. Toward the front of the plane. I can see teh empty seat. Thank god, I think! I look at the seat, which is only partially vacant, as there is a 450 lb sweaty woman sitting in he window seat. I can see the air hostess smirking as she dashes off. Fucking cunt!  
  Woke up around 6 am this morning and had to piss.  I stumble into the bathroom, pull down my boxers and take a seat.  Most men wont admit it, but I enjoy sitting and urinating, especially when it's the butt crack of dawn and I have morning wood.  So Im doing my business, thinking of how great it will be to fall back alseep, when I suddenly realized my morning wood has caused me to piss in between that tiny ass crack between the toilet bowl and the seat.  My boxers and the floor are now covered in urine.  So I wipe the floor and stumble back to bed in a fresh pair of boxers and drift into slumber.  So   
  I was a virgin. My new Girlfriend and I were playing a game of strip Street Fighter in my room on the Super Nintendo. (ok so that Dates this story)  Every time you lose a match you have to take off a piece of clothing.  she was so competitive and I often used it against her.   I was being nice and let her win a few. But when she got her down to her panties, I Pulled out the one character that I was almost unstoppable with and smashed her in 30 seconds flat.   Now as she slid off her panties (keep in mind that I had never seen anyone naked before) I blew my load.   Sure it was embarrassing. But there was a bright side. I got a hand job form her in the shower when I went to clean up.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom came to visit me at my apartment... I had recently obtained a short independent film that I wanted her to watch, so she sat down on the edge my bed as I prepared the VCR.  I looked over, and realized that I had not washed the top blanket, which contained a rather large stain that symbolized the hours of lovemaking that had taken place not long before.  Having your mom's ass inches away from the spot where you had made sweet passionate love to your girlfriend is not a good feeling.  I don't think my mom noticed.  I hope.  
  to london the tower the castles in the country the wax museum the beefeaters etc blahblahblah i cant wait to finally get my mitts around a decent guiness pulled not horribly carbonated its been seven years           ah       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there used to be a retarted lady named denise who worked at mcdonalds.  usually they didn't let her near the food, but when we were really shortstaffed, they let her make fajitas.  she was very careful about making them exactly right.  one day i saw her drooling in the fajitas.    i almost threw up, but to this day i still order mcdonalds fajitas.  a little drool never killed anyone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm such a dumbass.   Mom, wondering, what the deal was, walked upstairs towards my bathroom to ask me why I'm taking so long, right at the exact moment I'm at the "point of no return."   I had to answer a question from my mom while I was cumming like a wildcat.   Teen movie cliche comes to life.   
  We went shopping for a new mattress on a saturday morning and stopped in this place that advertises cheap mattresses, upon entering we looked around for a couple of minutes and never saw a single salesperson until we turned this corner and there he was, sound asleep on one of the demos. We decided to let him sleep until we found a mattress we wanted. About that time a couple of fire trucks went down the street, sirens going full blast, louder than hell. That dude just slept right through that shit. We just looked at each other and giggled as we carted our new mattress through the storeroom and out the back door and down the allyway. We can understand why that guy was sleeping so good. This bitch is comfortable.   
  Stretching the possibilities part 1 of 2 ----------------------------------------  A boring potted plant. A boring dog. A rather dull ham sandwich. A trite piece of poetry from an ex-girlfriend.  These particular items may be tired and mundane...  But have you tried fitting all of the above into your ass? It's quite exciting, if unsettling at first. One might even call it anal irony.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I grew up in a very small town.  I have a very large family.  I used to joke that I had a 50-50 chance of being related to anyone transferring into my high school.  Sophomore year.  A girl transfers in, having moved from half a continent away.  I wind up being one of her first friends there, and she hangs out with me until she finds a handful of people more her speed.  After that, I don't see her much, though we're still friendly if we run into each other.  Fast-forward to our junior or senior year.  Girl approaches me in the hall, clearly excited and glad to see me.  "Guess what!" she squeals.  "I just found out last night we're related!  We're cousins, sort of..."  and proceeds to related the story of how our familes, not actually related to one another, connect through a series of relatives we have in common.  
  We spent a lot of time in conversation those long months. She was happy to have someone to talk to, someone who would lend her an ear. I was happy I had somewhere to go where I could drink myself blind and fall asleep without fear.  
   "Hey guy" yelled the 10 year old kid from the bathroom stall of a pizza joint. "Hey guy, will you get them to bring me some toilet paper?"  Feeling a little tired and drunk I leave the bathroom hearing the faint sound of a youth saying "Hey guy, hey wait!"      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was toward the end of the work day and most of the regular staff had left already.  So I pop an acid jazz tape in this old crones radio.  Not two minutes later she walks back and starts yelling and screaming at me about how I'm such a poor excuse for a human being.  I pointed out that she was describing herself in many of her jabs.  She follows up by "If you were my child I'd put you out of your misery!"  I laughed her out of the room.  
  I hate it when my nose is all runny, cause I just just keep sniffing all day long, trying to keep stuff from pouring out. The worst is when you go to the bathroom, sniff your nose, and take a big whiff of the present someones left in there just before you.  Sweeter than wine  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I have masturbated in the shower everyday since I was 13.    In the shower I have vengefully stuck my room-mates toothbrush up my ass and have came in his shampoo bottle.  I've joked around with him when we were drinking one night....he didn't take me seriously however and just laughed.   Although, my hair has been so manageable lately......       
  japanese students came to my school. i did not host any of them. for some reason, we could not use the school for a meeting place, so some gal offered to use the rec room in her church. this was for a halloween party. they had karaoke, which was lame because other people besides me sang. for i sang Dancing Queen, by ABBA.  but being at a church, the church folk said these rules NO DANCING NO MASKS apparently satan is still influencing the youngsters through those media.  
  Unlike the majority of lowbrow contributors, I am feeling very good about myself right about now.   I am almost fifty years old and have never (at least not in the last 48 or so years) shit my pants, by accident or otherwise.    If my mother weren't senile and wearing Depends herself, she'd be so proud of me too.    
  When my son turned 21, he decided he would buy me a beer at my favorite beer joint. He did and had to show ID (he s very young looking even now at 29). I drank my beer and he his soft drink (I called it soft drink for internet purposes. In Texas we call all soft drinks cokes) and we played a game of pool.  While we were playing, the jukebox blared C&W music and my son began singing along with the record. I was astounded.  How the hell do you know the words to that song?  I asked him. He said,  Well, working in this county, that s all you hear all day so I ve learned all the lyrics.  I quickly and speedily RAN to the jukebox and played  Stroking  by Clarence Carter.  Aw mom , he said.  Don t they have alternative music? Uh, forget I asked that.  We smirked at each other knowingly and then laughed. He beat me at pool.   
  I came home late last night after a romp about town.  I was so exhausted that I simply threw off my clothes and climbed into bed.  But as always, when I tried to go to sleep, my mother's voice echoed inside my brain, nagging me about orderliness and cleanliness.  Defeated, I dragged myself up and went to scrub the menstrual blood off my panties.  
  I used to think the words to the Bruce Cockburn song "If I had a Rocket Launcher" were "If I had a Moroccan Lawn Chair".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a friend of mine Morgan had never tripped before and so he ate about three large doses of mushrooms not knowing, and stripped naked in a barren parking lot. then he jumped up and down on bobby's car, caving the roof in [quite a lot of damage, considering he's a little guy]. then he chucked some rocks and broke a window of what he thought as a closed business of some sort. turns out it was a 24-hour fire department and fire fighters don't really like naked rock chuckers on hallucenogens bothering them at 4 am. the firmen called the cops and the cop called the ambulance, and well.. he was in trouble with his dad pretty bad.  
  I have the worst gas right now. I have been visiting the bathroom constantly. I fear I have offended my co-workers.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I was caddying for a lad, and while we were walking to the green  on hole 14 he told me he had just been to Equador  He asked me: Do you know who caddies in Equador?  Me: No, who?  Him: LLamas  Me: But can the Llamas Rake the trap  Him: Yes, in fact they can   **Somewhere, a Llama could beat me out for a job  
  I wish I had never seen the guy at the urinal with a candybar in one hand and his johnson in the other.  
  I quit smoking 6 months ago. My wife goes through my coat and finds a lighter from last winter, so naturally she thinks Im smoking again.   I am now forced to carry this lighter in my pocket, even though I dont smoke, just so she doesnt think that I have used it lately.  God, I need a smoke...  
  The Nine of Swords: Cruelty. Illness. Suffering. Malice. Pain. Despair. Pitilessness. Suffering. Want. Loss. Misery. Lying.  Position: 4th: The goal. This card shows what you desire. If the card is confusing then you must discover the aspect of your goal to which the card refers. This card also may suggest that a reappraisal of your goals is in order.   
  A few years ago I was at an amusement park with a friend and I had to shit real bad.  Riding roller coasters, with shit poking out my ass... the bathrooms there were so disgusting, I had to hold it in. I didn't want to get a disease from those nasty toilet seats.  It hurt so bad but I had to ride every ride before leaving... eventually we did and left the park. Damn, car battery is dead... shit still poking out... ok got a jump, riding home... went to friend's house and shit like a mofo.  That shit was so huge it wrapped around the bowl THREE TIMES. I have never been more proud in my life.  What is worse? Being proud of a turd two meters long, or laughing when it takes 10 flushes to get rid of it while my friend swears at my evil ass?  
  the dividers between urinals subliminally teach us that urnating is shameful.        
  I had a roommate my sophomore year who I had known for a year. We were always together my freshman year so i thought i knew what i was doing.   Have you ever lived with a bi polar, bi sexual, manic depressive, 14-pills-a-day-roommate?  I think they need a support group for something like that. It didn't get really weird until I found out that every time she saw one of my friends on campus, she would tell them, "Please don't tell Stacy that you and I talked, she'll get mad at me."  Imagine my surprise when my friends started coming up to me and asking me if I was beating her up.  
  I went to this high school in Texas, it was just like any other. Except we had a Rodeo team. Now, I don t know if it was just our particular team or if it was all the teams in our school district that were comprised of dim witted suburban cowboys and their big haired counterparts. But ours seemed to have that niche filled.  So one day, Petra, the proverbial, Rodeo team slut who sat in front of me in 1st period economics was spewing something from her normally caustic hole she occasionally used as a mouth, It was different, kind of witty, cryptic almost. I took a listen, it was referring to it s exploits the night before, then I noticed something almost endearing, and then I saw her cheeks,   what happened to your face I ask?    Oh, their rug burns  she replied, I never wanted to fuck a rodeo queen until that moment   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was a singer in a high school rock band. In one of our numbers, I finished by "Slopping" (The Slop was a popular dance then.) off the stage. During the high school talent show and while I was dancing off the stage, my best male friend was in the wings watching. He motioned to me and mouthed the words, "Do it dirtier." So, I did. We won the "Best All Around Act" award.  
  "I only smoke in bars." she said deftly tapping a cigarette out of hissoft-pack.  "I feel like I need to smoke, it's part of being in a bar."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  back off the trailer trash whores.. i often look like one with my dirty snot-nosed little blonde boy in tow.. my black bra straps showing thru/around my white too-tight tank top, my low-rise too-big jeans and my HUGE fluffy pink with a big fvcking flower on the toes slippers and my hair pulled up in a low-class bun..  my cheap makeup smeared b/c of the humidity..  :(  leave us alone!!!   well..  i dun live in a trailer and i'm not a whore, at least..   
  it's not everyday  that you find a porn site  with videos of a girl  that looks just like the girl you have a crush on.  cherish this day, i say to myself outloud.  
  Band came through Rochdale and played for free, for us hippies.  I lost control and got up on the stage and danced.  And I can't dance.  I know I looked real, REAL stupid, foolish, assinine.  A friend later said people were leaving when they saw me do that, including him.  He said I looked like a guy who might "go to a Sha-na-na concert and cry."    
  There are 2 types of liars  Ones that say they don't do it and   Ones that say they quit.  
  we left work the other day headed West and the sunset over the nuke plant was really so beautiful that it made me gasp.    Then my hair started to fall out.    Still, it was something to see that sky.        
  I submit instant entertainment for your drunkened stoned pleasure:   One ceiling fan, turned on high.  Lots and lots of bottle caps.     After a while, you get good enough to aim and hit specific locations.  It's really fun to see how many you can throw at once into the fan.  It's probably the most satisfying noise I've ever heard.  It's a bitch when you're moving out and have to pick them all up, though.   
  "Could you put your finger on what's bothering you?" Gregory asked.  "I could try," I muttered, "but you know, I was only born with ten."        
  Her roommate's sketchy boyfriend was dropping by for the night for another bout of psycho-sexual domination. I suggested she sleep in my room.  "If you're cold on the floor, you can sleep in bed with me. I'm sure I'm as lonely as you are."  She gave me the look that said I should know better, and we both felt the weight settle upon our shoulders. Any contingencies we ever tried to make for ourselves were crushed under the realization that we just couldn't click. "More weight," I thought.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Me and 2 of my friends were walking to a smoothee bar on 9th and Irving. on the way, i found a thick plastic tube with a yellow plastic wire to keep the lid from getting lost, the kind you would use to protect blue prints. I picked it up and carried it with me. Hey, it was cool lookin. we got to the smoothee bar and i went in and ordered my drink, it was good. my friends and i were standing outside the smoothie place and i said to them, "this thing is hella big, i don't feel like taking it on MUNI with me." i decided to throw it in the garbage. I look at the garbage can next to me. it's one of those big garbage cans in the shape of a giant bullet with a tiny opening on the top. the tube won't fit. so i leave it next to the garbage can and my friends and leave.  The next day we were in that area and we were talking to this guy who worked at a local comic store or something like that (one of those fat nerdy guys like the guy on Simpsons), we were having a nice discussion and he said to us, "you guys were at the smoothie place yesterday? did you hear about the bomb scare?" We looked at him in puzzlement. "What bomb scare?" i asked. He explained to us that someone had found a black plastic tube with a yellow wire sticking out of it and called the cops. Apparently, the bomb squad showed up and even used one of those little robots to go and pick up the so called "bomb." Me and my friends looked at each other and bolted out of the door back to the smoothee place and we asked about the incident. it was confirmed that the entire block was shut down for 2 hours as the whole thing went down. My buddy Alex watched it on the news even.  i am proud to announce that i got Irving Street closed down for the first time in the history of San Francisco.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day in our sleepy little town where i am a firefighter there was a small town festival where everyone gets drunk in public.  Well we got a report of a traffic accident on mainstreet.  I was first on the seen to see a smashed port-o-potty under the tire of a large SUV.  A couple of teenagers pushed the port-o-potty down a hill with a friend in it while they sat in horror as the booth went under the tire.  We spent 4 hours with airbags and the jaws of life to save this poor kid covered in human waste and blood.  It was hard to act serious as i yelled at the  kids friends for doing this.  Because only a year ago in my senior year of high school we did the same thing.  But my friend didnt have to get 55 stitches.    
  From another posting:  Ladies, what is with all the bush shaving these days? ...fuck this "bacon strip" shit.   To aid with the rant: That mystifyed me for a while, as did the recent popularity of butt-fucking, tit-jizzing, face-jizzing et al,  even , it seems, among young women (I can't imagine what they get out of it).  Then I realised: This is the first generation that has had easy access to explicit porn from a young age.  That's what they think sex is actually   about!   Hardcore porn, and all its hoary old visual cliches, was originally created by a bunch of fucked-up pencil-dick mysogynists.  That's why you never see the women actually enjoying themselves (actually, you rarely see  anybody  actually enjoying themselves).  Almost done.  So, next time you want to spray cum in your girlfriend's face, think about it.  And next time you are butt-fucking her, try closing your eyes and imagining she's a guy. After all, the physical sensation is identical.  And, instead of imitating the crap you see in porn, ask yourself what actually feels good, and what doesn't...  Done.  
  I looked at the box of vanilla ice cream in the freezer;  my eyes dart back to the six pack in my hand.  Nothing beats a Vanilla Beer Float.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every time that Cranberries song comes on the juke box I sing  "Dude you have to, dude you have to, dude you have to smell my finger..."  Every time.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i went to a dairy queen in this little nowhere town, and all over the place they had signs for their website.   and i do mean a full website, with their own domain, shitty amateur HTML and everything. they even had a 2"x4", 23 meg pic of some worthless award they won.  now why the fuck does this diary queen need a website? and why are they so proud of it?  
  on alot of anti seizure medication and feeing fuckin good, but nothing to do. i remember that my old church plays volley ball on thursday nights and we had nothing better to do until the weed call came on my friends cell phone.  only problem is hanging out with christians, but we decided we're to fucked up to care. so while we're playing one of the girls asks, "where's your brother (he's still a regular member)" and i say, "what am i, my brothers keeper?" and like 2 fucking people got it. fuckers can't read their bibles?  
  summertime temps tended to rise up to and above 100degrees where i grew up.  one particularly sweltering summer, i realize i'm starting to get quite unpleasant chafing on my nads.  inspection reveals tons of reddish bumps.  i was too embarrassed to drive down to the store to buy Jock Itch spray, and i figure it comes in the same bottle as athlete's foot.  must be basically the same stuff.  well my friends, it works.  quite well.  dried it right up...so fast that all the skin shedded off my inner thighs and balls.  like a horrible, horrible sunburn.  on the positive, that fuckin rash hasn't dared to come back since.  god bless industrial strength cures.  
  worked with this girl once.  big slut. no one liked her. she had 1 friend of all the people that worked there. she had a fever blister one day, and everyone chose that as the reason to talk about her behind her back. someone casually asked how she got it, just fuckin around.  her one friend said, more inocently than i've ever heard anything said in my whole life, "from suckin to much tally"  
  If you are constantly going on and on about how you deserve a little consideration and sympathy because you were molested by a family member, but then turn around and be bitchy about someone who whines about the same thing, don't expect a third party not to take it as an open invitation to sign the both of you up for all the incest porn lists to be found.  I'm just saying.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There I was, in a hotel bar, at a table with a middle-aged guy I'd just met and his middle-aged coworkers.  He got in a bleak mood and related the story of worst thing that had ever happened to him: the time he frantically drove to the hospital, his already-dead nine-month-old son in his arms.  The whole time, I was valiantly trying not to smirk -- which is my usual defense mechanism against raw bursts of human emotion.  I tried to avoid feeling detached from the situation, tried to conjure up some empathy.  All I could do was sit there, listen, and keep a poker face.  "That," he said, wrapping up his merry anecdote, "was fucking shitty."  I bought him another beer.  It was the least I could do.  
  Do the gross things guys do after girls leave kind of interest anyone else?  Like the whole chair sniffing thing?  Or the enjoyment of the wet spot?  Or panty-stealing?  Are any other girls intrigued by this?  I just want to know if a guy has ever done it to me.  I'd actually be kind of flattered.  I guess that's just me though.  
  I've always thought becoming a porno star would be good revenge on those who teased you for being fat when you were little.        
  "If you go to some shitty all night breakfast palce try and sit next to the EMT's, they talk about the funniest shit. "  After talking to my friend in the mall food court about the kid with who lit himself on fire and no longer has nipples, I realized how true that post was.  
  I did her up the ass with a red candle while she sucked me off.  Afterwards, we lit the candle and sipped some nice red wine.  And if that doesn't qualify as romantic, you can kiss my smooth, firm, sexy ass.        
  so the story of my pay raise goes:  the office manager tells the head boss, "i think we should give her a dollar increase because she's really good"  and the head boss responds, "make it two, why not? she's got a great attitude"  ....and all i can think of is the card i gave him for boss' day where i wrote "so enjoy the one day you get to tell people what to do.  just kidding.  don't worry, you still scare the shit out of me."  
  Let's see...accidentally hitting a girl with down's syndrome in the face with a door and then laughing when someone exclaimed: "Look what you did to her!" I am a horrible, horrible person.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes when I'm sick (or badly hungover), I get the shits really bad.  So bad that it comes out foamy, in a big, powerful stream.  I think to myself "I'm just a big shit-smoothie machine."  
   We Don't Play For The Money  (not my moment - Ryne Sandberg's) Sports stars are always insisting they're not in it for the money. Yeah, right. Then why do they invariably follow the momey around? A couple of exceptions come to mind. There was Kirby Puckett, who flat-out told the Minnesota Twinkies that he wanted to end his career with them, so just pay him whatever they wanted to (they did him proud). Then there was Ryne Sandberg, who walked away from a guaranteed $4 million contract because he didn't think he could play well enough anymore to justify it, and besides, he wanted to spend more time with his wife and family. His wife ditched him almost immediately.  
  I'm reading LowBrow. Already all day long. at my work (IT System support).  then suddenly, my boss is behind me, and ask as keen as she can "and what are you doing ?" I look up, think for a sec, and answer: "This webpage uses some intersting scriptiong and HTML protocols, that can be accessed in such a way that it's a very good tool to test the compatibility and integrity of our new, LAN based browser." Ok, I admit, I made that up on the spot, and it doesn't make sense, but the reaction of my manager was to die for... She tryed to make a face like she did understand what i just said and said: "well,..., you do that. glad that someone is inventive over here. Keep up the good work !" and she left. as soon as she was out of sight, me &nd my collegues bursted in laughter.  
  SCENE: We are coming back from a weekend of sex, drugs and rock & roll, and we look it. There are about 15 of us, all packed into a brightly-painted school bus. We're all boisterous with the energy of release. Boys, girls, all having fun. We pull into an IHOP, we eat, we tip well, we leave.  The last of our party -- a cute girl named BECKY that I'm currently eating -- is stopped by one of the waitresses.   WAITRESS Um, hey, are you on the bus?  BECKY Yes?  WAITRESS Can I ask you a question?  ...  (Quietly) Do you have any acid?   The cracks are there, my friends. They exist. This poor girl got a glimpse of the insanity, the high weirdness, the squirting and pulsing ur-soul of America that hides beneath the linoleum and the Formica... and she wanted some.  Afterwards, we drove past a Dempsey's that wouldn't serve us, with the bus driver honking the horn and addressing the Dempsey's over the school-bus PA, and with 14 asses sticking out of the windows on one side.  
  he said i just hafta bury the hatchet and move on and this strong image like the kind the people with esp in cheezy seventies programs about clairvoyants that help cops find serial killers pops into my head her body in her bed next to an unsent dear john letter with little hearts as the dots of i s a small axe cleaving her cranium and thick coagulating blood every fucking where i shudder you re a better man to let it go i say even i can smell the fear in my voice        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Our company recently considered a new perk: we could get our cars washed once a week by a travelling car wash service.  Have you seen these things?  A truck drives around, pulling a trailer that's full of this super-potent-higly-special water or chemical or something, and companies pay them to wash cars right there in the parking lot.  I told them that blowjob day would be better.  Blank stares.  You know, hire someone who will give head.  Just put them in the employee lounge every, say, Thursday and then, if you want a bj, just sign up for a specific time and show up.  Hell, we could even reserve one of the stalls in the bathroom solely for this purpose on the given day.  And we could even get a bi girl  and  a bi guy, that way all the employees could get what they want and the women wouldn't feel left out.  Well, due to my  very  recent termination, I'm considering dumping my severance pay and my savings into a business venture and opening up my own company.  Hey, LaDeeFrickinDa, want a job?  
  i sometimes take my cell phone into the bathroom and sit on the toilet. i don't actually need to "use" the facilities; i just wanna get away from my sickening job.  i sit on the toilet and play games on my phone. how's that for hating your job?  
  I tell my friends and co-workers that the 4 cats in our house are my wife's. For some (guy) reason I can't bring myself to tell them that the cats are really mine. I'm the one that found them and took them in. I'm the one that likes to play with them and pet them. My wife thinks it's cool and plays along if we should start talking about "her" cats.  It's our little secret.     
  Everyone has there own bathroom etiquette rules, I know, so I know some people consider certain things acceptable, even if I dont.  But frankly, I dont believe coming up to me in a public bathroom and playing with my hair, would be considered proper bathroom etiquette in anyones books  
  Wendy's calls it "Honey Mustard Dipping Sauce".   It tastes just like my mixture of mayo and cheeze-wiz.  
  at work...me and one hot blonde.  guys at work..get her chairs, flirt with her, talk to her all day long  brain damaged guy...talks to me.  I am not ugly! Just have black hair! where the fuck is my goddamned chair.  She turned around and her nipples poked through her pink sweater...and then I understood  
  Coming out of the post office I timed my fart so that it would fill the entrance just as someone else was walking in.  Made a clean getaway.....  Sort of.  
  You never fully realize how bumpy a road is until you're in the backseat trying to roll a joint.  
  If I'm running late in the morning and I don't have time to brush my teeth, I smoke a cigarette.  I figure it neutralizes everything.  
  My father and I are both closet smokers. When I am visiting my parents, my Dad and I will wait til my Mom and all my Sisters and Wife go shopping and sneak behind the garage taking turns smoking and keeping a lookout. It makes me feel like a little kid again.  
  3.17.03 So, with Bush putting his hand on America's shoulder and sternly telling us we're going to war on every network, I do what comes naturally:  I put it on every tv in the house and run around pretending I'm being chased by Bushbots.  
  There still ARE cowboys and indians running around in the midwes  Cowboys in cowboy outfits riding trucks  Indians in whatever riding beat up old cars  Firearms are prohibited on the reservations  Yup. Not much changed ... indians are the worst off and they won't let 'em have guns           
  My wife just called me in to the living room. "Come check out this chicks rack!"  Marriage can be a good thing.  
  It's very easy to masturbate if you're uncircumsized. The foreskin rolls easy over the head of the penis as you move your hand back and forth, creating an excellent substitute for saliva or other lubrication.  I recently discovered the drawback to this: frequent masturbation without lubrication can cause friction burns to the head of the penis. I didn't know that until I discovered that I can't get head 'cause it hurts too much.  I discovered this as a girl tried to give me head. She still wanted me to get off though, and so, ironically, I masturbated for her.  
  About the stupidest thing I've ever done was ride in the back of a pickup truck.  Now, I know that doesn't sound too stupid but considering that I had been drinking with the guy driving for 6 hours at the park, it begins to look like trouble. But when you take into account that he finds it very funny to drive over these slightly elevated rail road tracks at very high speed (I'd later find out he was going about 60-75 mph). This would cause his little truck to jump into the air, but more importantly cause anyone in the back to fly with it. The first time we went over I hadn't braced myself and nearly flew out.  I was more than peeved the 2nd time, and seriously pissed after the 3rd jump. I told him if he did it one more time I'd break his back window with a tire iron, then smash his fucking skull open.  He just laughed and went after it again. We jumped, and as I held on for dear life, the tire iron flew up and hit me right in the mouth so hard it broke my braces. This caused me to let go of the truck and reach too late for my mouth. When the truck landed my head into the window, cracking it.  The asshole thought it was me with the iron and dragged me out and left me on the side of the road, a 15 year old kid with a gash on the head and broken braces out in the middle of nowhere.   So yeah, I guess the moral is don't ride in the back of a truck, and if you do, look out for tire iron.  
  I met a girl the other day at a coffee shop who trounced me multiple times in Tekken 3.  when I wasn't playing against her, all I could do was lean on the pinball machine, stare at her ass and think "I love girls that play video games..."  
  For some time now I've had an insatiable urge to fill a pinata with live hamsters and hang it up in a park full of kids.  Then I'd leave a bat near it and walk away.  I'd have to have a hidden camera as well to catch their precious little expressions as hamster carnage rained down upon them.  I'm sure it would be a defining moment for at least one of the little bastards.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If I hear one more goddamn person say, "Must be nice" when they walk into the air conditioned server room I use as my office I'm going to freak out.  Its fucking 58 degrees in here year round.  That is too cold.  Its not even okay when its 100 degrees outside.  So don't make me smile at you and say, yeah it sure is.  Because its not.  
  I was gathering a photo/opinion thing for my school's newspaper.  We asked "If you could interact with someone from any point in history, who would it be and why?"  I approached a Freshman.  Fourteen, thick glasses, polo shirt, no friends..  "I'd fuck Joan of Arc"  I took his picture, wrote it down, and casually walked to the next guy.  
  In grade school. Being a wierd kid had nothing on me.  Bringing chunky peanut butter to school. Going into the bathroom. Taking T.P. and swiping it in the peanut butter jar.  Running out and chasing girls was never so much fun.  Getting suspended wasn't.  
  horny teen-age guy home alone for the weekend. masturbation gets a little boring. the dog walks in. chocolate syrup is in the fridge. let's go outside on the deck. dog licks chocolate. dog loves cum.  at least it was a girl dog. a boy dog would just be way too weird.  
   Courting A Cop Take 3  (I assume that most cops don't frequent this site, because what follows includes verbatim recent e-mails, only edited for actual IDs and length)   Me:  I would really like to see you again soon. I'll let Mr. Dylan slightly overstate my case:   "I like your smile, and your fingertips, I like the way that you move your hips, I love the cool way you look at me, Everything about you is bringing me misery."   She: So did you go out this weekend? I did friday night for about 45 mins- then decided it was not fun and wanted to go groc. shopping instead!!  Got to go at work- have duties to do.   Me: Grocery shopping on Friday night? Oh, gosh -- I think you might be a little too much of a partier for my laid-back style ;-)  So then I invited her to go grocery shopping with me, whereupon we would go back to her place and I would make her dinner --  anything  she wanted (I'm not even bragging -- I'm really that good of a cook).   She: Thanks for the nice response!! So you are a cook, huh? Me too!!! Dinner is a fine offer, but at this time, I must decline the offer.  I have put my dating life on hold for a while mostly due to work, and partly due to the fact that I suck at picking potential dates!!lol... I am working for the next 22 days straight- I date work!!!! I would love to keep up correspondance though, and you writte very well.   Me: Thanks for the compliment.   Oh sure, we could swap recipes and advice on how to take down armed drunk guys.   Seriously though, bear with me for a minute: I am extremely literal-minded, so I have a strong tendency to think that people mean exactly what they say.  So, when you say "at this time, I must decline the offer," are you actually thoughtfully blowing me off, or are you telling me that in 22 days, you might be available for dinner? I honestly can't tell.   Once that's cleared up, I'll happily correspond with you.  One last thought, in response to your: "I suck at picking potential dates!!" -- I seem to remember it was me who did most of the picking (though you did give me the eye a couple times). As for my track record at picking: the last date I was on went OK for the first half -- it was just the last three years of it that really sucked :-)  ---The End---  After all that, where's the lowbrow moment? Well, it's right there -- given that my hopes were really up, for what seemed like good reason, and we had been getting sweet, and she really didn't  seem  to be blowing me off, but that was the last I heard of her.  Next time I saw her in the bar, she pretended she didn't see me.  I'll probably die wondering why people don't just say what they mean...  
  My theory is that you can get a man to agree with anything while your head is between his legs.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to test this theory, because my mouth is too full to make propositions.  
  I was 14 and babysitting the neighbor's kid over at their place.  I'd had a crush on both of the neighbors for some time and always felt a little awkward and shy around them.  I left the kid watching cartoons and went to the bathroom to pee.  I was gone a minute, tops.  When I came back, the kid was playing with a huge green dildo.  It had poop crusted on it.  My crush ended abruptly.  The worst part was that I had no idea where it had come from, and so I just threw it under the couch and hoped that it was the right place.  I never did babysit for them again.  
  When your plans for the next six months are shot to hell by forces completely out of your grasp, the prevalent feeling is the rather pressing urge to shit your intestines onto the floor.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Back in day I had a fear of taking a dump in school. So one day I had a turtle head poking out after first period. So, I decided to walk back home to take a shit. I got to a field and found that it was coming out no matter what. I went to a tree, put my back against it, pulled down my pants, and let loose. To my suprise, I didn't quite put my legs out far enough. I had shit all over my pants. I had to walk half a mile back to my house with shitty pants. After I showered, and change pants I asked my mom to write me a note saying I was sick. She said why? I said look up stairs in the bathroom. Does anyone know how embarassing it is to tell your mom you shit your pants at age 17?  
   She said "Please, don't", but she really meant "please do, I just don't want to feel like a slut in the morning". So I said "Sure", opened another beer and turned on "Lost in Space".           
  Watching my graduation on tape, a friend and I were discussing what my principal was saying to everyone as he handed them their diplomas.  We decided he was saying, "Floppy Donkey Dick".       
  There was this girl i liked at the food court near where i worked.  We never got together because we worked all the time.  Also around that time the clip on the back of my pager had broken so it would slip down in my pocket. Kinda have a guilty pleasure when it vibrates.  I'll NEVER forget the day i went to lunch and saw her running up to greet me.  In her warm embrace my pager rattles in my pants, she stops and stands back with the queerest look on her face.  I try to explain holding the pager in my palm.  The damn thing rattled her crotch as she held me.  I dont know who was more embarrassed; she dissapeared after that.      
  I like going to redneck bars.  The girls there are loud, drink plenty of beer, and heckle people like guys do.  Oh yeah and they lack teeth, which aids in the giving of perfect blowjobs.  
  Age 16. Living in the Northeast.  Read Carlos Castenada.  Picked and smoked some Cat-tails thinking they would do the same thing as Jimson Weed.  Wrong.  Heard an urban legend about scraping and smoking banana skins.  Wrong again.  Bought some Burpee "Morning Glory" seeds.   Wrong. Three strikes....  Now I know why Jack Daniels is so popular.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember seeing Europe what a friend and I dubbed hobo porn. Imagine the hairiest, stickiest girls you've ever seen, then imagine them naked and having sex with each other. The stuff was so nasty. Hobo porn just leapt into our mouths as it's title.  I had a image of my mind of a small, nondescript building with a truck pulling up to it. Several hobo's get out of the back and walk in the front door where they are stripped and sent into the next room. There, an uninterested man with a garden hose makes sure they are hosed down before they enter the final room, where they are videotaped fucking.  Big sign on the front of the building that says "Hobo Porn Inc."  Everytime I think of that building I laugh until I cry.  
  I'm Irish. Which means that aside from a propensity to beome a hopeless alcoholic, I also have a myriad of superstitions. Not the usual sort. I love Friday the 13th, and I've no qualms about opening an umbrella indoors or walking under a ladder. Well maybe the ladder...  My superstitions tend to be more personal. Like, NEVER date a guy whose first initial starts with D. Never date a guy who has only a moustache. Goatees with a moustache are, however, acceptable. Never, EVER trust a redheaded woman named Sarah. Other Sarahs are okay, just not the redheaded ones. Actually, redheaded Shelley's are not to be trusted either, now that I think about it.   At one point I thought these superstitions only applied to myself, but then a friend became engaged to a guy named Dennis with a moustache...mind you, she was a Sara with a fire crotch so maybe there's some poetic justice to that.  
  I just at an uncooked potato while drinking some cocktail I just made out of Fresca and Smirnoff Vodka.  Don't ask why I have Fresca. I don't know either.  
  hoots and hollers and whistles oh my!  there must be SOME reason for guys to continually hit on woomen on their way to work. does it actually work? hmm...  and yet another adolecent grows up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         13, the county fair..i lure a young lass across the street amongst piles of rock, constant patter about flintsone village and whatnot.....we fuck slowly and joylessly for hours i go home, walk in the door, my mother asks me "what is that all over your shorts?"  i am covered in blood. It looks like i murdered someone with my dick.  that was the night i knew that the "shit happens " tank top  really was lucky.  
  Lying down on the sofa in my new house one of the other members of the household comes in and tells me:  "Si shagged a girl on that, you can still see the stain!"  There are some stains that I do not need to know the origin of.  I didn't get off the sofa though.  
  A true story about:  Julie, the besexual; Alison, the lesbian; me, the queer sissy; a hot-dog, and a pair of pantyhose.  It was a lazy week-end.  Julie and Alison were in the bedroom entertaining each other.  I was in the livingroom reading the paper because that's what a man does when two women are having sex in the bedroom.  Umm, oh sorry.  Because that's what a queer man does while two women are having sex in the bedroom.  Anyway, Julie comes out of the bedroom and says to me, "Let's have sex."  I think what the hell, I'm not getting any younger and I might as well see what it's like.  I wonder if a straight man would think, what the hell, I might as well find out what it's like to have sex with another man, but I digress.  I go into the bedroom and there Alison sits fully clothed sitting in the chair in the corner.  I get undressed, Julie is already undressed.  I get on the bed.  Julie commands, "get on your knees, put your face on the mattress and your ass in the air!"  I obey because that's what a sissy does when a bisexual woman orders you while her dike girlfriend is in the room.  Julie barks out, "put your arms down between your legs so your wrists are by your ankles."  I'm an obedient puppy.  She takes a pair of pantyhose and hands them to her girlfriend who then ties my wrists and ankles together.  Was Alison ever in the rodeo, i don't know.  Anyway, Julie then leaves the room.  Oh oh, Julie comes back in the room wielding a hot-dog.  By now Alison is sitting in her chair and Julie comes up behind me.  She then proceeds to insert her new found toy into my booty.  In and out, in and...suddenly she lets out a gasp.  She comes around to the front of me, looks into my confused face and says, "I lost it!"  "What do you mean, you lost it?"  I mutter.  She answers, "It's inside you."  I gasp as the reality of the situation sets into this thick skull.  "Stand back," I whimper.  She did and I gave a push like I was giving birth.  That hot-dog shot out like greased lightning, hit the wall, and bounced to the floor.  Whew!  She says she has had enough as she unties me.  Were they laughing at me or with me?  I wish i could say that was the end of the story but her brother came over and went into the bedroom and came out with the hot-dog in hand and asks, "Julie, why is this hot-dog on the floor in the bedroom?"  
  Once i was crushing Arbol dried chilis for a hot sauce i was making with my bare hands. later i was in the restroom and, well, you know what happens when a guy is in the restroom and he's done with his business, but he doesn't want to leave the peace and quiet just yet. so anyhow, after five minutes, my dingus was on fire. so im in my bathroom looking for somthing to take care of the burn but all i have is a little bottle of hand lotion i got from a motel six. i slather it on and it made it a hundred times worse. my dingus started turning brignt red and i jumped around the restroom screaming "oww" and yelling various obsenities. long story short, i slept with an icepack on my crotch.   
  My wife caught me eating an eye booger.  
  For the life of me, I couldn't tell you why I accepted the baby shower invitation. I hated the mom-to-be, she was one of those religious zealots who constantly is going on and on about who's going to hell, how jesus changed her life, on and on.  In the end, I just wrapped up a baby t-shirt that I got online and sent it along to the shower. It said "Fuck this.. give me titties and beer!" She opened it at the shower in the rec room of her church, surrounded by her fellow jesusfreaks.  Ah, to have been a fly on the wall.   
  So yea, I am a Rugby player and one thing Rugby players like to do is drink. Anyway, a few weeks ago, my team has a big tournament in DC. So the night after the tournament, we all go to a bar in the city. I of course drink too much for my own good. So on our subway ride back, my friend and I decided that it would be a good idea to piss on the subway, so we pull into one of the seats and piss on the floor, just before we are about to get off. Mind you the train still has a fair amount of people on it. So we switch trains onto a different one. On this train, I start getting the spinnies and just instantly let loose puking on the floor of the train. The whole car claps with delight, as I spew time after time on the floor of the train. Eventually my friends hand me a plastic news paper bag to puke into. After I am done with that, I just tie it up and leave it on the train. It was a fun night...  
  i work at a supermarket. best order ever?? an oldish lady and a young boy for a packet of smokes, a frozen chicken, pack of rubber gloves, condoms, lube and some cream in a can... i went home,huddled in a corner and repeated over and over  "gotta be unrelated"...."gotta be unrelated"...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a chill ran up her spine as dizzy reed began his tremolo on the keys, signifying the closing coda of 'november rain' -- the one guns n' roses song that had taken over her adolescence at multiple points. she owned no less than five bootleg copies of the track, her favorite version being the one that was simply axl singing with his piano. she appreciated the grandiosity of the officially recorded version, but there was something about the solo that was pure, and that stuck in her heart.    
  i was attracted to yet ANOTHER recovering catholic.  gotta stop this trend.  gotta find a hangout with one of those handy-dandy "No Catholics Allowed" signs.  
  i caught my dad masturbating to bestiality porn.  i blackmailed him for $5,000.  what else is family for?  
  Grocery clerk entry #36: Nothing confuses me more than Company Loyalty.  The first thing every company does when sales go into the crapper is layoffs. I swore I'd never put the company's welfare above my own.  That is one of the only decisions I have never regretted.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I Just got a whip for christmas. It's so pretty, all black and leathery. Oh my, I'm going to have sooo much fun!  
  " Can  you drive a stick, sweetie?" the used car salesman inquired oh-so solicitously.  "I prefer manual transmission," I replied.  Apoplectically: "You're the  one !  You've got to see this car!"  Then confidentially:  "This is the car I'd be buying myself if I didn't have to pay the kid's tuition every month."    He walked over to a little red Honda, gesturing and excited.  "This car is the cat's ass!"      &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last Saturday I paid my gorgeously curvacious best friend to detail my car for $40.  I sat out on the porch for 5 hours smoking and drinking and watching her prance around in booty shorts and a tight tank top cleaning the inside of my car.  The best part? My other friend (another gorgeiously curvacious girl) came out also in booty shorts and tight tank top when it came time to get soapy. Friend 1's boyfriend even got out the polaroid and made sure to document the whole thing. Every time they leaned over to get the hubcaps or reached really far to get the top, and especially when they started turning the hose on each other.  The lowbrow moment? Everyone up and down the block started coming outside for cigarettes. One old man 2 houses down even had his hands blatently down his pants while watching.  All this for only 40 dollars!  
        looking at the shit lying in the toilet bowl, i actually thought,  that is about the size of an average man's cock.  I could take it.  
  I am stopped at one of those traffic lights that only allows "one car per lane" to enter the freeway. It is rush hour and I have just left a strip club. When it is my turn I size up the car next to me. Early 20's. Tricked out Jeep. Ball cap on backwards. I pull out fast to beat him into traffic and leave some rubber.   I had not seen the highway patrol car at the mouth of the ramp because, well, I had been drinking. Of course he pulls out after I pass.  As I am quickly trying to figure out if I am over the legal limit, the cop pulls over the Jeep. Yet again I appreciate sterotypes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's nothing funnier than seeing two of your best friends that don't know each other snipping at each other from across a hospital room.    Except hearing the slurping noises.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Driving back to California from Oregon with my then girlfriend, her baby asleep in the carseat behind us. She has given up the sex all weekend because I pissed her off Friday night, but now she feels bad.  So we're doing 60 on the freeway and she uncharacteristically puts her head in my lap and starts blowing me. She's very good, but usually reluctant to suck me, so this is a fine time indeed. I'm getting close, and she tries to deep-throat me - and up come the Cool Ranch Doritos - all over my lap. We laughed our asses off, pulled off onto a side road to clean up, and had a quick, intense fuck. The baby never woke up this whole time.  
  They say drugs is the wrong road to take in life.  But its definitely the scenic route.        
  One time in third grade the TV fell off of one of those tall carts and onto my teacher's head. Evertyone was trying to help her and get the nurse. All i could do was laugh. She was a bitch.       
  One of my and my best friends favorite pastimes during the holiday seasons is to go sit on Santa's lap in the malls and see how excited we can get him by wearing low cut sweaters and moving around a lot on his lap.    I have one photo taken by an elf that clearly shows the evidence of our handy work.  Santa is pitching a red velvet tent, luckily he was a young kinda cute guy under that beard.  
  I was an impressionable 17-year old. Working at a large chain store selling stereo equipment and musical instruments. The merchandise was a mix of half decent stuff and crap. The managerial focus was clearly profit maximization with little or no thought given to customer service or longer-term customer feelings. One day, after a woman had brought back a defective piece of merchandise  - for the third time - I LOST IT. She was gracious enough even after having trudged back to the shop again, and the store did replace it, AGAIN, but it seemed so pointless and frustrating and avoidable to be selling total shit just to squeeze out an extra few points of margin!  I went to my boss and said "Jimmy, this sucks!. I am so embarassed, this poor lady bringing her kid's Xmas gift back for the 3rd time now! Can't we sell DECENT stuff at a decent price and take slightly less mark-up?? Then maybe we'll piss off less customers, earn long-term customer good-will and they will come back and buy MORE creating a virtuous circle?!" Jim (who was quite a bit taller than me) looked down at me, at first puzzled, then dumfounded by my appraent naivete, and a smile crossed his face and he rhetorically asked if I was a Communist, then grinning even more broadly, he slapped me on the back and said "Welcome to the world of business Bobby....."  Epilogue: The company, much to my satisfaction, went in and out of bankruptcy several times and was eventually taken over.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         shit, now im to the point where lowbrow has such a grip on me that when i go out, i see things and think "that would make a good moment.."  and drugs have such a grip on me that i never remeber the shits....  
  From space, you can't see any international borders.  That is because they are not real.  This means that we are the only species that will kill hundreds of thousands of our own species because they cross lines that don't even exist.  We should have stayed up in the fucking trees.   
  there was this story circulating about my high school about this kid.  on a soccer trip, the bus stopped and supposedly everyone got out.  this one guy and his girlfriend went back to the bus early to fool around, and what did they discover but a guy in the back of the bus, beating it and muttering, "I wish i were invisible; i can't believe i'm doing this!"  well they laughed and told everyone else about it, and needless to say the kid got picked on. I wanted to give him a pat on the back.  if you're gonna do it, might as well go balls out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         while discussing a funeral I attended for the father of a friend, someone asked, "was it a wake?"  "no, he was dead" i replied.       
  So my mom says to me; "How is it that you don't have a job, yet you can still afford drugs (prior to my quitting weed)? I shot back; "How is it that you have full health insurance but you're obviously not getting the drugs you need?!"   She never asked me again.  
  My friend just put me on notice that if his wife ever calls, he was with me, and "just left a few minutes ago".  The funny thing is that about 2 weeks after they got married, his wife told me that if HE ever called, she was with me "the whole time".  Its fun being the designated alibi.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         everyone always talks about how self-righteous and pretentious Jesus freaks are, but i think there are worse. former smokers, for example.  you know, that smug "i'm better than you because i conquered my addiction" look they get on their face when they say how long it's been since their last smoke. this is to all you former smokers out there: fuck you.  you were the limpdicks pathetic enough to get pressured into smoking in the first place.  the only reason you quit is because the people you were trying to impress are no longer around to care about your pathetic existance. snubbing your noses at those who still smoke shouldn't make you think you're better than them, it should be a reminder how much of a pussy you are under pressure.  
  Todd was hobbling on his crutches, obviously struggling in pain, in front of a coffee bar, door swings open, large woman slightly bumps him...he struggles for balance..he falls.   Loud cry's of pain iminate from him.  Large woman: "That's how your dumbass got hurt in the first place"...kept walking  When did the world become a cess-pool of apathy?  Although we were being copy-cats and faking the whole thing she should have helped him up...bitch.  
  I used to be dangerous...  quick, smart, concious of all the threats in the world - ozone holes, CO emissions, the hazards of dairy farms and religion and old men in suits...  i blew my brains out with a hundred chemicals and orgiastic dancing.  now i wear a suit.        
  meta low i recently have received email from all manner of jesussavesfreaks its kind of amusing really the low part is imagining someone cruising lowbrow for email addresses so they can save the vilest the lowest the most needy poorlostsouls fucking scary really   
  yesterday, my friend was trimming his pubes, when the phone rang.  it was his mom, and he talked while he trimmed.  in his distraction he snipped off a sizeable chunk of his nutsack.  
  So I'm in class this morning, and the girl I have a crush on is talking to me. I'm giving one word answers, in general being overly quiet. She finally asks "What's wrong?"  I think "You've been flirting with me, rather shamelessly, for three months. The week I get up the courage to ask you out I find out you have a boyfriend, and have this whole time. Even when we danced at the club, and even when you held my hand. Fuck you, you fucking bitch."  What I said was "I'm kinda tired."  And people wonder why I hate myself.  
  Very few men know that there is a nerve that runs down a fourth finger on a woman's left hand that, when it compressed (by, say, a ring), causes the woman to suddenly and irreversably become allergic to semen.  You have been warned.  
  A few weeks back Larry Flynt (you know, of Hustler Magazine fame?) came to speak at my school. I, being the curious individual that I am, decided to attend this event, which was held in the same lecture hall that my Philosophy class was held in during my first semester.  Oddly enough, there was a weird meeting for Campus Christian Crusaders that was going on across the hall, and they had an entire table of God pamplets out on the table for people to peruse.  There was no one around, so I took the sign from the door that said "Campus Crusadors in this room" and relocated it to the door of the lecture hall wherein the Flynt speech was being held.  I dont know if any Jesus freaks went into the room, but I sure got a good chuckle out of the idea.  
  I have no mercy for phone spammers, none at all.  He starts in with the usual crappy pitch.  Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry for you.  Tell me, when you were little, did you ever think that this is what you would end up doing?"   (I actually got one to cry, once :-)  
  rule #1:  do  not  drop ass in band!  a good rule, mind you, but we did have an exception.  in jazz band, not only was it okay to lay one out, it was encouraged to certain people.  namely, the soloists.  we had the ability to go down, away from the throng of band geeks, and, while playing a solo, bust one right into the face of the tenor sax player.  eventually, we started having farting contests in gavin's face.  you would always know who won when the tenor sex missed a note or two.  at some point, when our respected band conductor left and nobody really cared anymore, the farting contest became MORE important than the actual soloing.  then gavin graduated, and things were never really the same anymore.  after that, our jazz concert farting contests sort of died in the wind, so to speak.  good times, good times.  
  One time while wrenching on my 4x4, I calmly, and in a matter-of-fact tone stated; "Let's go finish this motherfucking son of a god-damned cocksucking bitch."  motherfucking son of a god-damned cocksucking bitch  How'd you like to take a dip in that gene pool?  
  In college, cell phones become more annoying because of the stupid people that misuse them. Forget to turn them off in lecture, carry them in stupid purses, etc.  The best one I've ever seen, though, was while I was at a house party. In the basement, one guy was grinding against a girl while talking on his cell phone to his buddy. Next to him, another guy was also dancing with a girl while wielding a cell, but he was holding his over her shoulder, scrolling through his text messages and bumping in time to the music. Fucking morons.  
  I think I know why the Internet is such a big deal even though you can't send your family a citrus fruit.   So much of modern interaction--like in the business world--is bullshit: glimmer, glammer, filler, empty information, there is no substance, you can get rich on the stock market selling and buying stuff you can't even see or hold in your hands.    But the Internet is perfect for sights and sounds and lots of text.  Perfect for modern interaction.  The Internet is the ultimate exchange of bullshit.        
  Why do department store mannequins have such hard nipples?  
  Yesterday I discovered a scotch I don't like. First time.   Don't drink from the Islay...  (A wandering sommelier's assessment of it was that it had tones of hospital wards and rotten fish on the nose.)  
  in college, everyone always leaves a signal for their roommate not to come in when they're getting play... an 'x' on the marker board, sock on the door handle, shoes outside the door, etc.  i always wrote on the marker board 'getting some!  don't come in!'  why hide it?  everybody knew anyway.  
   Fun Bouncing Cars  Did you know that four average-sized people can move a locked car? It's easy: One person to each corner, get in synch, and start bouncing it. When it bounces high enough to  momentarily get the wheels off the ground, push it along as you bounce. It's easier to push it sideways than forward or back. Anyway, on to Prestwick Academy, and a teacher we didn't like. He had a car that was exactly 6" shorter than the width of one of the school's deep entranceways ...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a little redneck kid of 7 or 8, I had a major crush on Dolly Parton. Always was a tit man.  Anyway, my folks took me to a Dolly Parton concert in Columbia S.C. ... I had made a little sign taht said 'I love Dolly' or some kind of goofy shit like that. Well, after the concert I got to go down to the stage and get her autograph and hand over the sign and she kissed me on the cheek.  I'm 36 now, and I just read an article by some stooge that claims he was Dolly's sex toy from 14 to 26 years of age ...then it hit me. Shit ...that coulda' been me.   Someone else ALWAYS has all the luck...  
  good to the last drop?  I once poured weeks worth of bong water into an upside down frisbee and let the water evaporate to see what the residue would be like - some super concentrated space-age polymer, right?    More like plastic frisbee scrapings.   
  I sometimes wish I had genital herpes, just so I could take valtrex.  The commercials make it seem like if you have herpes and take valtrex, you can go kyaking as much as you want.  Wait, what?  Gross.  
  Homeless guy: Spare any change? Me: Change comes from within?  And the homeless guy has the nerve to look at me like I'm the crazy one...  
  At my place of work there's a woamn with a real nice set of breasts.  We always used to talk to her and ask how she was doing, but unconsciencly stare at her breats.  She mentioned it to us one day, so now instead of asking "How are you?" we ask "How are they?"!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The second girl I had sex with promptly said, "Oh god... thank you." and rolled over to fall asleep.  Was she thanking me for wonderful sex or thanking god it was over?  
  I stopped by the grocery store on my way to the movies and got a bigass bag of reese's pieces (movies have THE most overpriced candy).  i get in the movie, take off my shoes, and try to open it.  after about 3 minutes of fighting with it, the bag won.  it happened in slow motion -- the precious peanut butter candies exploded all over the theater.  i looked down and saw a few of 'em landed in my lap, so i ate those.  toward the middle of the movie, i discovered a lot of 'em landed in my shoes.  i ate those too.  toward the end of the movie, i decided that the floor of the movie theater wasn't *that* gross.  i really like reese's pieces.  
  yesterday, we rented a police unifrom from a costume store and spent the whole day skateboarding around town, and enjoying the strange looks people were giving us.  I can honestly say that I have never had more fun in my life.        
  One time I was downloading some porno that was supposed to be two chicks but it ended up to be two chicks with dicks.  I hate porno-liars.  
  Exactly twice it's happened.   Two times I've banged a chick so hard and furious that she pissed all over me and the bed.   Once in college.  Know how weird it is doing sheets at 1:00am in College?   The other time was with the girl I eventually married.  That night we just put them in a trash bag and waited until morning.    
  In the cubicle behind me sits a woman who's voice is shrill and evil.  Although I try to concentrate with a Herculean effort, I cannot make her head explode.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we already had what we needed to make some kick ass margaritas.. but i thought a little longer and came up with an idea for a theme party..   we could wait a two weeks, since there was already a party this weekend.. plus, we could use this time to spread the word and stir up publicity..   we could buy ourselves a kiddie pool, some bags of sand, set it up in the garage, and call it a "Margaritas By The Beach" party..   of course, i knew it as just an excuse to have women over in their bathing suits..   
  sometimes, on those cold mornings, i just wish i could jump into the dryer without having a horrific death. although if i set the dryer timer for a minute i wouldnt die...but then again i would throw up probably. well, i suppose until they invent a dryer that doesnt spin, i will just be stuck wearing clothes from the dryer. not that there is anything wrong with that.  
  So one day in Quincy market I was discussing accents with my best friend.  Wondering what her ideal accent would be, I asked what kind of accent she would like to have.  Without hesitation she answered "Pirate"  We now look forward to learning leprachaun and cowboy as well.  
  I looked by the windows, half clothed, half drunk too.  I look in the bed, the drunk lesbian is sleeping.  I think to myself:  "What the fuck am I doing, 4 hours from home, at 4 am, in the room of a quite drunk lesbian?"  Sometimes I ask myself very stupid questions.  
  she stood on the sid eof the road with the hood of her car wide open  raving and gesturing histrionically at the engine compartment now was the car broken down and the woman faliling due to its inability to function or was the woman unable to function and therefore couldnt drive the car either way she was pissed and with that kind of behavior she had probably scared off any would be samaritans      
  Dating is an evil practice. It forces people who barely know each other to spend awkward hours suffering through dinner and a movie, a night at the theater, or a weekend trying to find their way home from a foreign country that doesn't even have the courtesy to use English as its primary language.Most people know within minutes whether an encounter will lead to romantic bliss or if they would be doing themselves a bigger favor by quietly slitting their wrists with their butter knife.   
  I watched a special on Lynyrd Skynyrd yesterday. And for one brief moment, I actually thought they were all good people.  I think that's pretty lowbrow.  
  a minute ago, a roommate walked out of her room -it's  four in the morning- and reminded myself and my other roommate that her kid is here and crashing in the spare bedroom...  we are both currently suffering from insomnia and alcohol consumption has taken place  i was reading aloud lowbrow posts to him for the last hour...  you people are fucking sick! a 14-yr-old girl should not hear things like that!  
  Sitting around a large conference table with about 15 other people (men - heh), we're participating in a teleconference. On voice, we have a gent from Michigan and one from Europe.  The facilitator had given us all nurf balls to throw at the other participants if we felt they were getting too wordy.  Said European voice in his heavy accent, "Perhaps we should re-think the ramifications of the actions we're discussing..." blah blah blah, yada yada yada... really talking too long AND expressing negative thoughts on a subject all of us faces had already agreed upon.  My co-worker stood up, aimed his nurf ball and threw it at the speakerphone dead-on.  After the facilitator was in control of himself, he politely told European voice that we would address that issue later and "Let's move on, shall we?" While we were quietly patting my co-worker on the back and saluting him.   
  I was playing poker tonight, and one of the players brought along his remote control fart machine--set it like a trap, back off a discrete distance, and humiliate the unwary.  Remote contol fart machines--is that progress or what?  And...if the remote has the range, think of the fun you could have with elevators!  
  I'm not sure if I'm more enlightened now that someone's told me explicitly how to shave my ass crack.  
  MY FANTASY CAME TRUE!! I met this guy and we went back to his hotel room for..well you know. Anyways, we were both pretty drunk and he fell off the bed at one point.  He got up and mumbles..wow, that was lowbrow... Excuse me? what did you say? He said 'oh, some website I go to' NO WAY!!! I DID IT WITH A LOWBROW GUY!!! (HI Damon!!) I never did tell him my email, the name I post under.... Hmmm.........   
  i want an @lowbrow.com email address... so i can post and pretend i'm part of the management.  or maybe i want a drink   
  Well it all started way back to when I was 5 years old.  I used to play around in my step-dad's old farm out back, when I noticed some odd shaped white nerds on the ground.  They looked almost good enough to eat, so I did.  One month later I learned by my loss of intestinal tracking, shortness of solid fecal matter, and large pellets in my feces, that I had been infected with Tape Worms.  I am sixteen now, and I've grown accustom to these little buggers.  They protect my stomach from diahrrea, I supply them with food, it's a done deal.  On with the story:    So it was 3rd period history at my high school where I met my first victim.  He was a tall, handsome jock who's natural talent for sports was legendary.  He was a nice guy, so everyday I would ask for a mint, since my mornings usually consisted of shoving tapeworms back down my throat, and he would comply by giving me those tiny mints you swallow that make your breath good for a long time.    Then it hit me like a 22 caliber, what if he had tapeworms?  Would he be able to play football anymore?  Would the women hate him like they hate me for being skinny and frail?  YES!    The night I thought up this scheme I had to take a very large fecel deposite, which was very good because it meant there would be a good amount of eggs for me to use.  I got ready my plastic bag and pushed as hard as I could.  There were hundreds of them, each one as grotesc as the next, but at the same time beautiful, as if I was giving birth and these were my children.    The next morning, I asked for a mint as usual, but this time when I took the box, I filled it with approximately forty eggs, enough to infect him beyond the point of one or two worms.  After doing so I did not ask for any more mints, fearing I might somehow take away my beauties which he so eagerly ate threes at a time while the teacher lectured.     A month passed, and I had almost forgotten my crime, when I saw the most amazing site I have ever seen in my life.  A man who's life had been shattered by having a wiggling tape worm come from his anus into the toilet bowl.  That face gave me so much joy, I began to cry.  He looked at me in horror as my mouth formed that crooked smile, and his face turned bright red.  At that point in time, I knew that I had successfully turned a popular man into the same thing I was, a diseased boy with way too much time on his hands.     My next few victims were elementary students I thought were too clean for their age, I offered them mints, they complied by taking all of them *the eggs of course.*  One by one, I had successfully infected over 400 people by the time I retired from my career of gift-giver.  I knew my goal in life, I had achieved it.  This did not mean I didnt slip a few eggs in the 7-11 man's coffee cup, oh no, but it meant I now felt contempt with my life, like I really meant something.  Tranquility is a bliss, is it not?  
  "Robert Jordan is a good writer," she declared in a tone that insinuated an oncoming of an intellectual conversation.  I prepared my response as she opened the book.  "Oh, yes, I've heard of him," I replied, sitting down next to her.  "I love his work.  He's a great author," she said again.  Inside was quarter bag of some fine weed, a pack of rolling papers, and a homemade metal pipe  I love Robert Jordan too.  
  so its raining not just a light sprinkle, hours of downpour, and I have one my noreaster gear (joke all you want but I'm the only dry motherfucker in the class)  so on the way back we (being my roomate and I) stop to get some seafood (still raining)  take the raw fish home (you know the fish that still has the head and looks normal, except gutted) set it out and prepare to cook I come back about 2 minutes later and the fish is gone. I go in the living room and my rain suit is gone too. I go on the balcony to see if my roomate had left the house in his car.... I see that son of a bitch sitting on a log in the middle of the street (this is the city now) in front of a puddle with a fishing pole.  as I watch with much interesst a car drives buy and he start reiling the line in..... and out from the puddle comes my fish  I would have been kicking the shit out of him, if I couldn't stop luaghing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was thinking the other day about how much it sucked ass to be lactose-intolerant because I love dairy products so much. Well, then I got to thinking that maybe I'm just one of the few lucky people to be evolving in a world where there hasn't really been much evolution for at least 300 years. What with all the chemically enhanced foods that are sold around the world, there is no more use for real products like cheese, milk, and sour cream. I suppose it's the same deal as our appendix which we no longer need, unless you eat grass and plants on a regular basis. Being lactose-intolerant may just be another step up the evolutionary ladder.  
  As a male, there is nothing more disturbing than getting an e-mail telling me I've won a FREE Panty Wardrobe from Frederick's of Hollywood.  
  It's not the marijuana that's addictive. It's the lazy, sloth-like, come-what-might lifestyle that's addictive. I mean, really, who WANTS to fucking wash dishes or fold a not-too-dirty shirt after taking in it off?!? Although there are few weird work-a-holic freaks out there, the majority of we humans are essentially indolent and hedonistic creatures.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Visiting Mystic Aquarium with my first wife, we are appalled by the entrance fee.  She is 24 years old, 4' 10" tall, and  very  young looking.  So we put her hair in braids, and buy her a big lollipop.  With her yanking at me and babbling about the "big fishies," I successfully ask for one adult and one "child under 12" ticket.  Hmmm -- after writing that, a thought: Maybe if I'd been into pedophilia, the marriage might have lasted longer...    
  I was out in Sothern Cali, in LA, and one of the kids i was out there with commented as we were driving through the city "Where the hell is Suge Knight's house at, I want to have a word with that man about the shit he tired to pull with Vanilla Ice..."  It was the ballsiest thing I'd ever heard come out of a suburban white boy's mouth...  
  i was sitting here at my computer reading lowbrow, and picking my nose, and i got a nice big bugger. i was examining it on my finger, and oops, it fell. so i look down to get rid of it, and it seems that it dissapeard into the keepboard.   
  I never learn my lesson when it comes to getting shocked...  Putting in my headphones, you know the ones that rest inside your ear, I noted that my monitor was all staticy and stuff. So I run my hand against it and zap! I got shocked at my ear.. Weird I know. Well thinking that would be the only time that happened I did it again. And zap once more. Well... I didn't learn yet. I did it on more time and now my ear is numb. Very numb. Maybe in a couple of days I'll do it again...  
  Heading out somewhere with my son, he spots a yard sale and insists I stop. We Scotsmen are always suckers for a bargain, so I pull over. First thing I see is an  Enormous  black-velvet Elvis painting. Hmmm, not very promising... My boy spots a great little deck-chair, just his size, but the lady running the sale tell me the price is $8. $8??!! I try to haggle, but she says she can't. I suggest I pay her $3 in cash, and make up the rest by taking away the Elvis painting...  
  just learned today that among other things "the who" drummer Keith Moon was paralized for several days after he "accidentally" ate an elephant tranquilizer. man, thats incredibly awesome and lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To the mother who threw her son's Cannibal Corpse tape in the garbage:  Thank you. I myself do like heavy metal, but even I cannot stand this weak excuse for a band.        
  Karaoke night.  We group-sing the easy, funny ones like "Leader Of the Pack" and whatever.  Totally baked, I decide to solo Bonnie Raitt's "Nick Of Time."  Gorgeous song. The karaoke guy gives me a tape of my performance.  Next day, I play it for some friends - they all laugh so much they collapse on the floor, holding their stomachs, begging for mercy.  I turn it off.  I still have the tape. I've never played it since.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         seen on public transpo:  "i am hypocrisisman      hear me troubleshoot"   profound.  
  Someone forwarded me an e-mail subject: 'From the Mouths of Babes...'  body: a huge list of italicized names and addresses and fwd: fwd: fwd: and >>> and then a list of things that little kids supposedly wrote in letters to God.  I replied the thing back with my own addition of   >>Dear God, >>Fuck you, asshole. >-Lucy'.    
  me and some of my friends were at a coffee place, just sitting around and smoking. A homeless guy, that seemed like he was trying to stay as clean looking, and neat as he could comes up to us and asks for any money, even pennies cause hes trying to get something to eat. I give him all the change i have, about 75 cents, and he thanks me. Then he goes to the guy next to us, and says the same thing. This guy is doing some sort of work on his laptop. He asks the question and the guy ignores him. He moves a little closer and asks again. This time the guy looks up looking frustrated and very sternly says "NO". The homeless guy then walks away. My friend that im with says loud enough for the guy on his laptop to hear..."MAN that guy was an ASSHOLE!!!" i tryed to keep it in, but i just had to bust out laughing. I bet that guy felt like the ass that he was!  
  I'm watching a late night international movie and there's a topless scene for about a minute. I'm a little horny and decide that this is probably the best I'm going to get, so I go ahead and strangle the serpent. Not 10 minutes later and the same girl is walking around completely naked. There is full frontal nudity and I can see her pussy quite clearly. I feel so ripped off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes when I'm bored I download people's resumes from Kazaa and then make fun of their stupid fake-sounding job titles.  I guess it'd be easy to stalk them, too, but I'm never that ambitious.  
  So i got this cousin about six and she comes over one day and i go, "hey Kailee, where did your wart go?"  "well um i was at school...."  "ya..." i replied. "and um i picked it off and threw it at Andrew(a fellow classmate)" "Really what did he say?" i asked "he didnt say anything, he ate it!"  So young and yet so unaware......  
  my underwear has spots on it. especially on the crotch area. i call them my dalmationwears.      
  My first wet dream was about my psychiatrist's daughter. On a camp. With my psychiatrist.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         armed with super-soakers and a hankering for excitement, we walked into a crowded waffle house and opened fire on the patrons and staff. one of the waitresses yelled "get back here, motherfucker!" a man who had his cigarette blasted out of his mouth and into his face made chase in his van, but we lost him in a subdivision.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When my friend and I were in 9th grade there was a kid who on the slow bus that was always standing outside after lunch.  We noticed that, despite any of his other shortcomings, he was excellent at hearing the sound of a coin being dropped onto the concrete.  Many a coin was wasted throwing nickels and the like onto the ground and watching him scurry like a squirrel after a nut.  
  Last New Year's Eve, my best friend and I were tripping really hard. There was a big bowl of roasted peanuts on the kitchen counter. I had one of those cheap Halloween-type fake arms, and I was dipping it slowly into the peanuts, watching them slowly spill over the edges.  My friend watched in amusement, telling me that he was getting "godawful" tracers as the peanuts fell.   Nothing compares to the look of horror on his face as I began to furiously flail the arm at the bowl, laughing maniacally.  
  A group of us were playing Pictionary on a chalkboard. The word he had to illustrate was "karma". First he drew a stick figure encircled with wavy lines. That didn't work, so he drew a car, plus a stickfigure parent and child, indicating the mother for "ma". Nobody put it together. When time was up, he informed his team the word had been 'karma', and jabbed the chalk at the wavy lines for emphasis. "See how that guy's got all that karma all over him?"        
  I was at school, fifth grade. It was a cold and blustery day. I wore a pretty dress with a snap-crotch lace leotard under it.  While I was playing on the monkey bars, a boy who had a crush on me walked by. He reached up and grabbed my leg, to say hello. My leotard unsnapped and flew up around my neck, and my prepubescent crotch was in full sight of everyone as the wind whipped my skirt up.  Now, years later, I think: why the hell was a fifth grader wearing a snap-crotch lace leotard?  
  She was a little drunk, but not slobbering and crying drunk. No, more like clawing my pants off horny drunk, which I could deal with. She fumbled with my underwear, started making yummy noises when she found me aroused. We soon ended up on the floor, where she was stroking my cock and sucking my balls in earnest. I decided at that moment that trailer park women had amazing knowledge that few would be fortunate enough to share in one lifetime.  That's when the first knocking started at the office door.  "Who is it?"  "Cleaning," came the reply.  "Can you come back a little later?" My friend the human Hoover hadn't even broken rhythm as she sloppily sucked me off, tickling the shaft with her long, pink nails.  I imagined I heard a muffled laugh outside the door. "Okay. I'll come back later." Being friends with most of the cleaning crew on the night shift paid off in many ways, most of which involved them looking the other way in situations like this.  My friend was now squeezing my cock in one hand, cupping my balls in her other hand as she continued her clumsy, enthusiastic blowjob. I drifted closer and closer to the edge as I considered this situation...it was good to be a 28-year-old sophomore at a small community college, it was good to be the editor of the college newspaper, it was good to be getting sucked off on the floor of my office by a nubile, drunk 20-year-old blonde.  And it was good to have a door that locked.  
  used to shout "penis" & "vagina," at the top of my lungs, in my college & high school cafeterias  
  Ah, the young days...  Seventh grade, field trip to Chicago.  Riding in the back seat.  Friends and I making obscene gestures and scribbling profanities as passing cars went by.  At one point, a new white Caddy drove by.  The passenger had a gun in his lap--the license plate read "FUCK U."  We decided to leave him alone.  
  A friend just asked if penile flatulence was possible. And the lowbrow bit? We all thought for a while, and then someone started to say... "Well, if you put a cork in your ass..."  
  waking up at 6am on a camping trip to cameron telling me he is cold.  he is standing there barefoot, in the snow, wearing only boxers and long johns.  i guess the dramamine (take 12 of em at once, i dare ya) he took made him think he was at home (which would explain him yelling at me and calling me his lil brothers name all night) when in fact we were in the middle of nowhere.  from what he can recollect, he walked around his house, took his pills, and went to bed.  what really happened is he took a buncha junk from our bags(knives, lighters, ect.), and alotta his stuff, and proceeded to scatter it across a snow covered field.  he then stripped off his clothes and shoes, took another 12 dramamine (he thought they were his anti-depressents) and rolled around in snowy fields thinking it was his bed. all the while grabbing bushes thinking they were his blankets and cutting the fuck out of his hands in doing so.  it was prob 20-30 degrees out, snow on the ground, wind blowing in some pretty decent sized gusts. less then ideal camping conditions.  he lucked out with only minor frostbite.  and why didnt paul and i do anything to help him?  we had our own problems with the people stealing our cars and the fields full of people staring at us and ofcourse the mountain coming at me...  what did we learn from this experiance?  next time we take damamine and go camping, one of us either stays sober to babysit the others, or we all handcuff ourselves to trees.   
  was working as a roofer one summer,men who work on roofs make ex cons look like carson daily,once the summer was over the guys were going to throw me a "weigh in" party.the theme of the party was that you had to get on a scale weigh in at your cureemt weight and whomever could gain the most weight in a four hour time frame won, 8:00 pm 225lbs 12:00am 240lbs     I win         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Time: 12:17 am Place:  My girlfriend's room Circumstance: Drunk  "You're so hot, lying there in bed, with your nightgown on, drunk, with your glasses on crooked, eating Domino's Dots out of the container with a ton of frosting, and your nipple hanging out."  My awesome girlfriend then gives me the thumbs up while swaying back and forth in bed, which is a feat in itself, and says "Put that on lowbrow."   
  berlin 1994. another hash fueled night listening to live acid jazz. the music is so horrible that i go outside for some air. this rich dilletante boy who has a crush on me follows me out and i kiss him for lack of anything better to do. later i take him home but he got scared and ran home. Who is virgin at age 20? Loser.  
  rantasaurus rex one of the many things that fries my onions is that there is an alarming amount of folk who believe that verbal venting is akin to committing an act kinda like going to jail if you say the president should be shot i can fucking say any goddam thing i want you suppressive repressed fucks yes yes yes it would be nice if ever verbalization every thought to pen were carefully constructed to raise the consciousness of the race as a whole but when madison avenue decides to use the same words to rope girls into anorexia and boys into shooting up their highschools  then the bet is off mutherfucker and i will rail into the void everyday  so sit down shut up and stop trying push your thoughtless crusade on me  cos see i have this bone here in my back its called a spine you should get one they re pretty cool       
  she completely crushed me says he to me as if i am interested in his highschoolized version of the everlasting hammer of love fucked up something about those stories though if the person is honest you cant help feeling sorry for them no matter how stupid or fucked up the person is         
  There's nothing like brushing your teeth in the poop-smelling bathroom at work in the vicious gray banality of a hangover morning. thank god they've got lysol in there.  
  The human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.   whoa.  its something to think about.  
  Here I sit...very frustrated that yet another one turned out to be a minute man.  I mean for Christ sakes, the stats have to be 8 out of 10 men last under 10 minutes.  Five of those 8 last about five minutes.  Is this what I shower and put makeup and perfume on for???  I know I can't be that tight after all the men I've fucked.  I know they must have heard a woman scream and moan before.  One of these days I'm gonna have to ask one of them why the hell they can't do it right...but for now, I guess I'll just masturbate again.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I sat in the office when she arrived, angry, ugly, and more than a bit pissed.  I tried to act as if I didn't know her as she cursed at the top of her lungs at the poor man who had nothing to do with the troubles of her day.   Then as she got up to leave, she looked at me and said "You fucking coming?"  The older woman behind the counter offered to loan me an extra bar of soap on my way out the door.  
   Early Saturday Night Live -- The Real Skinny   (From a Slate.com review of a book on the subject)  You remember Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute? That character grew out of Aykroyd's precoital routine with brilliant writer Rosie Shuster (Lorne Michaels' wife), whom Danny slept with when he wasn't sleeping with Laraine Newman or proposing to Carrie Fisher, who stole Lorne's best friend Paul Simon from Danny's old flame Gilda Radner, which tormented her to the end.  ("We were young," says one writer. "You do the biology.")   The butt-crack repairman was a bit Aykroyd invented to cheer up a young SNL writer on a bad trip (an event that probably also gave the world Aykroyd's Jimmy Carter talking a voter down from an LSD freakout).  (Personally, I've never watched the show since John Belushi died.)   
  -A girl named Angela, desperate to appear cool through smoking. But there were no stores that would sell a minor cigarettes, and no one she knew would buy them for her. So at the mall, she would take other people's used butts out of the ashtray, and get the last few puffs out of them while leaning against a wall with one foot up and a tough look on her face.  
  A friend of mine went to the symphony with her boyfriend. During intermission, an 80-year-old man asked her to marry him. When she said, "Do you know I'm only 19?" He replied, "Really? That old?"  Shudder.   
  Sometimes, when in expensive stores surrounded by fragile things, I get the urge to smash things to the ground. just throw them at the floor. So I'll pick things up, hold onto them really tight and then go "KSHHHHH!" (the sound of breaking glass) as I make a motion that resembles throwing it at the floor.  I also like to imagine what would happen when I'm in the passenger seat of someone's car, and they're driving, and I just open the door and throw myself onto the road. I wonder what they'd do, or I wonder how it would feel, or I wonder "What if there's a condition where people actually do that?"  I like to fantasize about turning the world upside down like a salt shaker.   
  So, it turns out when they say that a park closes at a certain time, it means that cops will patrol starting a half hour before the 'closing' time and maybe every other hour or so afterward.  Lucky thing my girlfriend and I had fogged up the car enough so they couldn't tell that neither of us had our pants on.  
   People are shocked that politicians do favors for folk who assist them with campaign contributions.   I, on the other hand,  am shocked that politicians can be bought so cheaply relative to the economic benefit that accrues to those on the receiving end of the favors.  By induction, one should be really frightened, not by the graft, but by the sheer stupidity and ignorance of the politicians and functionaries who have no clue as to the relative worth of their favors.         
  "He's just so perfect." Deep Sigh.  "Isn't he the guy who tried to slip you drugs then rape you?"  "Yeah, but that was so long ago."  "Two weeks yesterday."  "Shut up." Now I'm the bad guy.  
  i'm wearing a shirt that says  fuck el nino.   timely  
  I've found the perfect solution to these two-ton Shamuettes who keep sitting in front of me at the movies, their hair piled up in some wanna-be native goddess tower with gaudy fake flowers in it.... soon as I get a seat I like, I pour some of my soda into the three nearest seats in the row in front of me. Yeah, it's a waste of good soda, but for that extra bit of screen view, it's worth it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My car broke down, my big boss gives me a ride to work, 30 min drive.  Chit chat, right?  It's embarassing enough that my Caprice is a POS and that my clothes are ruffled and stained:  Mr. Boss is clean cut with pretty nails and haircut and car (no smoking please). I begin to realize my chatting is in the wrong direction as I find myself saying "Yeah, my dad saved the guy's life.  Then they tried to steal our pigs."  
  I work at a pizza place, and we're always out of something. Since I had to make some dough, I walked to Wawa for 4 bottles of oil, and 4 cupt of coffee for my co-workers.  Standing in line w/what I got, I suddenly realized that someone must be thinking "Hmm, someone's ready for a long night."  
  Being the huge internet addict I am, I tend to spend most of my time online. A few years ago (as a younger, much more ignorant teenager), we signed up for a different internet service cause it was cheaper. Not knowing that a different area code is long distance, even though it's 1/2 mile away, I spent many an hour online that summer. Needless to say, my parents were less than pleased to see the $2700 phone bill I racked up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work at a pizza place, and we're always out of something. Since I had to make some dough, I walked to Wawa for 4 bottles of oil, and 4 cupt of coffee for my co-workers.  Standing in line w/what I got, I suddenly realized that someone must be thinking "Hmm, someone's ready for a long night."  
  Deep in conversation, my husband stops midsentence and glares at me accusingly. "Why are you staring at only my left eye?" he demands. "You've got a big chunk of...eye crud." I blurt out before falling over into peals of laughter.  
   I thought this guy was kind of mysterious and deep, and then one day he busted out with, "Chocolate rhymes with spandex!"  I don't think I'll persue him.      
  The difference between the modern west and the third world can be summed up as follows: Go into a McDonalds in say for example, Hong Kong or San Francisco. Order a burger and some fries. The counter help will look at you and you see that they are thinking "Don't think I like this! It's a fucking job and I don't want to be doing it any more than you can imagine!"  "Have a nice day"! She sarcastically calls out to you as you turn and walk away from the counter.  Go into a Burger King in, for example, Indonesia, and the girls behind the counter are giggling and genuinely pleasnant and having fun as the novelty of the experience obviously has not worn off. They are simply happy to be out of whatever hell they were in before they arrived in their version of "little America".    
   Addictions will make a fuckin' MacGyver out of you.   For instance, out of matches, dead lighter, no car lighter, noone around for miles (I-5 in the middle of CA, about 5 miles from that fuckin  HUGE  stinky cow farm), in the middle of the night, I decided that I absolutely needed a cigarette.   I pulled over to the side of the road, got my tool kit out of the trunk of my car (it was a bug; you  need  a tool kit on long car rides), and pulled out a spare spark plug.  Engine still running, I walk around to the back, pop the deck lid, pull one of the spark plug wires off, plug in the spare, and ground it on the bumper.  Using that spark (and zapping myself a couple of times in the process; ZOWIE!) and extreme patience, I actually lit my cigarette.  Put it all back together, and keep on cruisin'.   Did it two more times before I found a gas station that was still open.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm working on a book entitled:  The K.Y. Jelly Bible   
  so like i was sayin, my penis *really* does hate me.  it is always poking around in my business and screwing up my life.        
  My aunt is a nurse.  She works in the ER and also as a telephone nurse that answers questions without having to pay the hefty doctor bill, on the side.  Well one night, things between me and my boyfriend were getting down and nasty and I was loving it.  Bondage, toys, etc.  But thats not the point.  The point is, the condom broke and got lodged up there really far.  We tried everything to get it out.  I even used chop sticks for Christs sake!  So I called the hospital help line and explained my situation, outlining everything we did to get it out.  Well the nurse told me, "It should work its way out but if it doesnt, then you can come in and we can fish it out for you."  We keep talking for a little while longer when I hear a pause and the nurse says, "is this Andi?"  I said no and I hung up the phone.  From that point on, everytime I see my aunt, the nurse, she asks if I had any chinese food lately.  That bitch is going to pay dearly.  
  "i'm not on birthcontrol and i don't want to get pregnant. do you mind doing anal?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever noticed how men are only comfortable in a social setting if they are in uniform?  Leaving descriptions of social setting specific uniforms to users. If you don't get it, then you don't see men.  
  Ever been to Ozzfest?  If you have, you know what a fucking blast it is, and if you havent, you dont know what you are missing.  Well last years Ozzfest was the best time of my life cuz I dont think I had ever been that fucked up in my life.  Black Sabbath had just come out and I was tripping like a motherfucker.  Well, unknown to me, it was raining.  After they finished their set, I looked down and noticed that my shoes were muddy and I was wet.  I looked at my friends and in all honesty I said, "I think I fell in the port-o-potty.  Im covered in shit and piss"  They just laughed at me and didnt bother telling me that it rained until the next morning.  I have the greatest friends in the world.  
  So I have a term for when i am irritated... "dirty dickhole", when I am pissed off, I say something like "You fucking dirty dickhole!"...   This started because my roommate CANNOT stop scratching his crotch.  It is CONSTANT, and he looks at you and talks to you while he is doing it, like it's nothing, and I never see him wash his hands.  I had the thought that he must have a really "Dirty Dickhole" if it itches that much, or he has friggin termites in there.    Microscopic remnants of his "Dirty Dickhole" are now all over the apartment... on the doorhandles, the TV remote, the fridge; everywhere.  He also shits with his bathroom door open all the time.  The grossest shit is he will sit on the couch and take a knife and start cutting off the solid chunky bits off the bottom of his fucked up feet...   And he thinks it's gross that he has seen me pick my nose.  I at least wash my hands.  
  I was on a nice vacation on a "party-island" in the Mediterranean. First day me and my friend were invited to our neighbours at the hotel, three good looking girls. I start working on one of them and it end up going down to the beach for the "sex on the beach" thingy. It was great for about fifteen minutes until she suddenly screams. Chocked I looked around and saw three people are watching us in some bushes like 7 feet away. I still wonder how the got so close...  
  My first sexual experience: Drunk as fuck on vodka and orange juice, sophomore year of high school. "I have to pee.  You know where the john is?" "I'll show you." Sure enough, the next thing you know, we're hunching on the bathroom floor.  No lock on the door, so we've got spectators.  Fuck it, says I, I'm coming no mater what.  10 minutes of filthy, drunken bathroom pleasure.  Got a standing "O" on the way out actually.  (Side note:  I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom afterwards as well....puking up my intestines)   As it turns out, that girl got filled out like an application long after I had left the scene.  Three guys.  Two of them holding a leg each, while the third did his business.  Real classy broad, eh?  My first time.    
  Well anyone who has worked in McDonald's knows the type of shit that goes down, but, here is one in particular that remains my favorite.  A great manager i knew, was working super bowl sunday. He managed a t.v. in the break room, and being the only manager there, could keep it as loud as possible. But he couldn't always keep his eye on it... So in the last 5 minutes of the day's last game, he tells the customers in drive through to wait. He held up the drive thru for nearly 30 minutes that day. And i am so proud of him.  
  Whilst browsing through impressingroom.com, amihotornot.com, amithebomb.com, and countless other "rate me/feed my ego" sites, goggling over mostly prepubescent Future Sluts of America, I noticed that before I start masturbating I tend to score their pictures rather objectly.  A 5 for a 5, an 8 for an 8, and so on.  However, once the beatin' commences, scores generally skyrocket as I become increasingly more generous.  Once the deed has been done, so to speak, its straight 1's for all.  I'm done now, what do you want from me?  
  The clerk was unusually friendly.  I got a lot of grins as I walked down the street.  A boy I'd had a crush on years before stopped me and chatted me up.  It wasn't until I got home that I realized that my shirt had come unbuttoned almost to my belly button.  I'm living in a Seinfeld episode here.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Father-Son Bonding  Late in his life, my dad worked as the clubmaster at a RAFA (Royal Air Force Association) club right on the beach in Prestwick, Scotland. Which meant we all lived there, which was wonderful. I had my own entire wing of the enormous place, with a window I could sneak out of late at night, then slide down the roofs, shimmy down the gutters, and head out on the town, undetected. Anyway, I was sixteen and he was teaching me bartending. One afternoon, he was settled in a cubby in the bar with two of his old WWII friends, and he casually asked me to pour them all beers. First time, but I did a good job, brought them over on a tray, and put them down. Dad: "Did you ever try this stuff?" Me, dishonestly: "No." Dad: "Wouldya like to?" I picked up Dad's pint, looked at it dubiously for a moment, then drank it. All of it. Silence. I went back behind the bar, poured him another one, managed to deliver it, and proudly walked away upstairs to throw up in private...  
  if i give the world nothing else, it will be a joke:  ok, 2 penguin's are in the shower together, 1 penguin turns to the other and says "Hey, pass me the soap" and the other penguin says "Not soap, Radio!"  then you laugh like a motherfucker.  the joke is watching people trying to figure the joke out.  especially when you say it again a few times, like they are the dumbest people in the world.  try it out, works well if you tell someone the actual punchline, so they will laugh, and say that they get it  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the night I (willingly) slept with four different guys, and convinced my boyfriend that all the hickies on my body were bruises I had gotten from playing soccer.   
  If you desperately have to pee and you're talking to a cute member of the opposite sex, do not fool yourself by saying that if you relieve the pressure by peeing just a bit (on yourself), you can get rid of the remaining pee later on.  You'll just end up pissing all over yourself in front of her and using some lame excuse like a bottle (that's clearly no where to be found) in your front pocket ruptured.    
    well i have an urge to cut off someone at the neck ya know so there head comes off, and i want them to say  "oh my fuckin neck!!"   i so far have no volunteers...   but anyways...     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I hate it when you get pubic hairs stuck on your bar of soap, and you cant get them off.  Some times i just give up and wash my face.  
  You know its pretty bad when those full figured mannequins in the department stores bring out the best in you.        
  I awoke to the phone ringing. In a hung over daze I ran across the cold lenoleum floor to answer on the fourth ring. It was my mother calling from back home. "Well did you know your going to be a big brother again".   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Am I the only non-white trash person who's ever accidentally put a .38 caliber bullet hole in the bathroom wall while sitting on the toilet taking a shit?  Oh, I am?  I'll just be going now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         what the hell is a low brow moment? I thought I knew but then I read the others and now I'm just confused... anyway, the other day I woke up at like four in the afternoon, smoked a few butts on my front lawn (wearing my shiny basketball shorts and a winter coat with no shirt) After that I was starting to wake up, y'know, so I ate a few manwichez and called up my good friend, farm boy. he was busy and didn't want to chill with me so I just sat around all day smoking cigarettes and downloading porno movies on my computer. It was muy lowen brau!      
  Allright, so I'm finally geing pulled over for my inevitable DUI...Get out of the car, leavingit in neutral, and it rolls away...not good. Cop jumps in and stops it...good. As they're slapping the cuffs on me they find, in no particular order-dugout and a canoe full of pot, knife (I have a concealed weapons permit, but they still took it forever), 9mm (I DID get that back), AND in my car, for some reason, my old fraternity paddle. You would think the other stuff got more attention, but, alas, it was the paddle that fascinated them. In temporary holding in comes a freak with an authority problem. so much of one that they feel the need to pepper spray him...while he's within two feet of me, and thrashing around....not good...AGAIN. MAN I GOTTA PEE, so does he...pee on the floor, so does he.feel better, but now they start in with the lecturing..we both tell them to fuck off...I mean what are they gonna do? WE're already sprayed with mace, in a cell, facing a not cool time for awhile. Lawyered up, spent a HUGE some of money to get out of the hole damned mess... Saw the authority problem the other day, in a work detail on the side of the road...... It's a good thing I have money...toured around the block, twisted a j and flipped it out the window at him as I drove around and tooted the horn.... I too have an authority problem, it turns out.....  
  Did you know that the honey that the queen bee eats is called Royal Jelly? I didn't either until after opening one of my parent's Christian news magizines and seeing in large bold font "Royal Jelly" and asking why an add for lube would be in this mag. Needless to say I found out rather quickly what royal jelly is... and quite frankly I am very disappointed.  
  Every time that Cranberries song comes on the juke box I sing  "Dude you have to, dude you have to, dude you have to smell my finger..."  Every time.   
  I hated my roommates so much that at one point I would sleep in my car and go home in the late morning to shower and change, after I was sure that they had gone for the day. During one of their blessed out-of-town weekends, I pulled up and saw that the older roommate's rear window has been shattered by hail the night before. It was supposed to rain buckets the next day, and I knew they wouldn't be back by then. So I grabbed a tarp from the garage, threw it on the ground by the rear tire so it looked like I'd tried to help, and giggled all the way to work.  
  I got a fortune cookie that says  "Your TV set will be trouble free for the next three years"  How on earth did they know I got the extended warranty?  If my tv breaks I am going back to that chinese food place and demanding that they fix it.  I have 2 years left.  
  i want 1,798 boobs        
  Sometimes, things that should seem very wise to say just aren't.   "Putting things up your ass is usually taboo or unpleasant."  See?        
  When you screw over peons, we always take it out on you somewhow. Knowing this, it amazes me how rudely people treat bank tellers. We control your MONEY.  Today one of our more annoying customers pushed a handful of dollar bills through my window, "I think that's a dollar short?"  "If you think its a dollar short, why not put in another dollar?" I thought to myself as I thumbed through the bills.  "Yeah," I told her, "it's $1 short."   She handed me the extra dollar bill and I used it to buy myself a candy bar.  Who knew the sweet taste of vengeance was creamy nougat?  
  she never wore undies, so i entertained myself  by fingering her whenever i could. a bar nearby has many boardgames you can play. i still wonder if my brother knew what was going on, or if he just assumed she really, really liked the game of life.   
    I always wanted to stick my hand up a cows pussy.  One day i got the chance.       It was every thing i thought it  would be  
  A girl I used to date once thought it would be a cool idea to put a handful of hand cream in her vagina.  She was 11.  Apparently the pain was so instantaneously searing and she was so embarassed, that she sent in her bedroom closet for 2 or 3 hours, crying.  That shit still makes me laugh...  
  Working as a substitute custodian at a local junior high.  Pissed off because everything is such a fucking mess.  That night, the sinks in the boys restroom were cleaned with the same rag that cleaned the toilets.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ok so there is a lot of crap that has happened and is happening right now and a ton of awful bullshit still yet to come on this sinecurveultrafluxuation death drive but sometimes the simple is the sublime i saw my childs heart beating on the seven week ultrasound screen and looked at my wife and realized what is real and what is important         
  So we're standing in the elevator, on our to our apartment with 2 other people and just as the door closes an obviously heavily intoxicated man gets in the elevator with his bicycle (incidently it was missing a tire and the chain had fallen off, and several of the spokes were sicking out.) He was carrying an open 12 pack of beer. He dropped it, as he scrambled to pick them up. He noticed one can had hit one of the spokes sticking out, piercing the can. The can was now spraying bad beer.   What would you do? Perhaps open the top and cover the hole stop the spraying? Put the can back in the box? At least make an attemp to stop the spraying beer. NOT THIS GUY...His response was:  "I made this mess. I'll just let it spray on me." So he just let spray down his shirt and legs until the 9th floor.  
  I'll never forget the time I fucked that one guy and then when he turned on the light after we were done he seen the condom wrapper in the middle of the floor from the guy I fucked the night before. My response?  "Wow, that must have been there forever."  Good lie?  Yea, I'm sure he bought it.  
  i watched as my dog began to lick herself after her afternoon piss. then, when we went inside, she proceeded to give "kisses" to my sister. when i started laughing, she asked me what was up. i just told her "nothing" and walked away. haha, piss and kiss...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at state line, for all you wackers, thats the city outside of vegas, that us californians have to drive through to get to the land of milk and honey. i was staying there, and i had a wrist band for the rides. i wen onthe bad ass coaster mit the 100 story drop on it. the first 8 times it was scary, but after that it was just fun. so the way up once, on a coaster full of people, i started singing the boat song rom willy wonka and the chocolate factory.  that is an erie ass song.  
  The best dump I ever took - as dumps are taken - was just outside of Amarillo Texas.  I left it  - a particularly mean and firm composite of a few days - smoking beside the dark and windy highway like an evil meteor.  It was righeous.  Not so much the thing itself but the relief thereafter.  But the coolest turd of all time I found in Northern California on a log in the prairie.  It was glittering in the sunlight from a hundred yards away and upon inspection was a tubular mash of grashopper carcasses - firm and shiny and crushed.  Bigger than a human turd.  Must have been a bear or mountain lion, anyway.  Talk about fiber.    
  Visiting friends I took a big healthy crap.  Found that the toilet was clogged... no plunger....     Didn't want to leave it in there floating for one of my cute friends to have to look at during rescue...  so I fished it out of the toilet (can't remember how)  wraped it neatly in toilet paper and hid it under the sink.....    
  So I was enjoying a cigarette with my newly found girlfriend.  And across the road came a friend of mine in his truck.  He waved me over and so I ran across the street to talk with him.  Didn't realize he was backing up at mach 2.  when he hit me I flew like 10 feet from where I was standing.  The only thing that came to mind was if my smoke was alright.  They were right, smoking will kill me.  
  A friend and I once went out drinking one night. Being underage, this mainly consisted of walking around with bottles of scotch and smashing letterboxes. When we got back to his house he realized that he had left his keys inside. Luckily he lived around the corner from a church that had Salvation Army bins. They were really warm... When we climbed out of these things in the morning the church was having it's monthly market.. Bugger.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Given what later happened, this one is incomprehensible. Walking down the corridor of the girl's dorm, the really young brother of one of the girls, who's been hanging around for a while, walks towards me. He's about 4' 10". 'Cept "he" is now wearing a Laura Ashley dress. We approach each other, and when we get close, we execute a perfect square dance do-si-doh, in silence, and continue on our ways. That's how I met my first wife.  
  Found his stash of porn and was outraged, despite my very liberal stance of anticensorship and sexual freedom, etc.  So I painstakingly glued all the pages of each magazine together, and not only on the edge but in the middle of the page too. Can't wait to hear the stifled wails of sorrow the next time he feels the urge for a late night whackoff session.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         During the late middle ages, the Black Death hit.  1 in 3 people were killed. So just think, if you were the Black Death, u could wipe one of the next three people who have posted here off the face of the earth.          
      When my dad used to drink heavily he'd fall asleep on the couch and began furiously talking in his sleep. My brother and I would watch him for hours at times and laugh our asses off.     We had TV and cable but it didn't get watched by us much during my father's alcoholic years. His sleep babbling was much more entertaining.    Years later after he was a sober man i told him we used to watch him. He replied "i'm glad I don't drink anymore, watching drunk people talk in their sleep will rot your brain".     He's fucking cool.            
  So - I go to wal-mart.  I had some stuff to buy.  3 completely unrelated items, but they needed to be bought. So I am standing in line.  When it's my turn the very young cashier glances at my items and then looks at me and then quickly looks down again.  'cat liter' he says quietly 'razors' he says quitely, but trying to stifle a laugh as he is scanning the items past him. 'and lube.'  I look at him, just waiting for it.  He looks up at me, smiles and says: "I feel really sorry for your cat."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My cousins are coming over tonight, and the little fuckers have no respect for the sanctity of the room of a 21 year old guy, I swear. Since I'm going out, I have to rearrange some stuff in my room, ie, hide my drugs, bong, alcohol, and porno. Drugs, Bong, and Alcohol, no problem, they're coming with me, and not coming back home, 'cept the bong. The porno was a problem. I clear out my t-shirt drawer, put all my porno mags and movies in there, and put my shirts over it. I barely have enough shirts to totally cover my porno stash. I think I masturbate too much.  
  Anti-Personnel Farts --------------------  Aren't they lovely?!  No explanation required and just uttering the phrase gets belly laughs from anyone who hears it.  They aren't the normal type-ones where you know it's a turd signalling for clearance.  These are ones that only come after a night of cheese and onions and eggs-they truly smell like a demon from hell has possessed your ass.    AP-Farts can be used to win a farting contest with your overweight, nasty roommate who thinks he's got the worst (I won-one round only with a little squeaker that was like the Bophal of farts.)  AP-Farts can always be felt before they are smelled just by the way it feels like your butt-crack hairs have been singed away by its passing.  AP-Farst always smell like they should be used by the army as some sort of anti-personnel device that comes in a canister marked FART/ANTI-PERSONNEL/1/A/F.  Behold my friends-the power of the anti-personnel fart!  
  my friend is getting married next fall to another old-school friend.  they hired the shriner guys to drive thier little cars around at the reception.  he also asked that everyone who is in the wedding (i included) if they would be willing to grow an authentic mullet for his special occasion... not one of us hesitated before commiting.  my bald, 22 year-old friend already has a pretty good danny devito-esque mullet going.  mine sucks.  
  i feel really out of place in social situations, especially trendy clubs and bars. to compensate i pretend i am a secret agent undercover as a fat dork, so when I look at all the beautiful people go by, I think "Yeah, I'm cooler than you, you just don't know it."        
  In the past week I have:  Made two Catholic girls realize that there is no way they're going to make it through college without fucking and so should have sex with somebody "they can trust will treat them right"...me  Left three copies of Penthouse along with a jar of vasoline at the local St. Benedictine Monastary where I had to go on a fieldtrip.  Convinced two Catholics that if Jesus were to return, he'd never want to see another fucking cross again and thus Churches were talking out of their asses.  Merry Christmas  
  Here is the setup. Nathen is Chris' best friend and has been liveing in florida for a year or so. Lieh is chris' girlfriend and has never met Nathen. Nathen is comeing back to town for his dad's funeral. Chris decides to take nathen out and get him stinking drunk... It's what friends do. Chris and Lieh pick up Nathen after the funeral and he has already had a couple of bottles of Rum. So there they are in Chris' car. Him and the GF in the front seat and Nathen hanging out in the back seat, but leaning over the middle of the front. Nat gets a little grean and ries to put his han over his mouth to stop the on comeing wave of puke. All he does is redirect it into the sides of Chris and Leih's heads. About a half gallon of rum and funeral buffet at fire hose valocity into the ears. God I wish I coulda seen that.  
  Sitting on the crapper with a God-awful case of your innerds becoming your outterds is bad.  While simultanously barfing into the bathroom sink is even worse.  But having to fish the chunks out of the drain with your fingers in order for the mess to go down really takes the cake.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Halloween 2002  I am going as a priest.  With a copy of Boy's Life magazine inside the Bible.  My name will be Father Inn.  Jenn, being quite demure, will be going as a young boy.  Fortunately, we are already going to hell for other doings.  
        a friend of mine once told me that the only reason he got up in the morning was because he had to pee  
  my cat will come in when i'm on the toilet.  she'll wait for me to flush, and try to look nonchalant until she thinks i'm not looking.  then she'll hop up on the toilet and stare at it until she's done.  if i turn back around and look at her, she'll get off and pretend like nothing was going on. why the hell does it matter if i'm looking, kitty?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         came out of grumpy's last night to find an old acura parked, literally, 5 inches from my friend's car. kate moss wouldn't have been able to get to his driver's door. people, if you park a small-ass car like a total prick, don't be suprised when you come out, and it's been rotated in such a way that makes it impossible to move.  
  I can remember that night like it was yesterday.  The three of us stayed out past curfew to meet with 4 russian girls that lived in the shitty Korean town.  We were all drunk as shit, and trying hard to keep silent as we snuck throught the grimy alleyways of A-Town, 40oz's of Hite Beer clinking around in my backpack, and the plastic bag Ken was carrying.  Jason was prone to doing crazy things when he was drunk (he once slid down a trash chute attached to the fourth floor of a scaffolding).  Ducking behind a building, quietly observing the town patrol, we noticed that he was missing.  We watched as he darted between the buildings, shirtless, shoeless, right behind the Security Forces.  Paul was visibly pissed at this, if we got caught, we were most certainly fucked.  Somehow, we managed to maneuver around the town patrol, as they shined thier flashlights into some heavy shrubbery adjacent to our clever hiding spot.  We made it to our girls shitty little living space, Jason miraculously reappeared just in time to haul ass down the well lit main street the girls lived on.  We were in.  Later that morning Pauls girlfriend came onto me as he layed in the bed in the next room.  Those were the days.  
  Coming home one night from a party, the last thing I rember is opening the front door.  Next thing I know I'm vomiting all over my bed and me.  Oh shit says I.  Not to worry.  I stagger towards the bathroom with all the bed clothes in my arms, dump them in the bath and then take of all my clothes as well, figuring I'll deal with it all in the morning.  And that is that.  Except for the little problem of the matress.  There's now a nice stain a few foot square right in the middle of it.  So I flip the matress over.  Only to realise there is already a stain there from the last time I did this.  Oh god...  
  you no the pepsi ''blue'' and mountain dew ''code red'' have you ever thought that thats some gang related shit   
  In case you haven't read my lowbrow moments, I mostly write about my sexual experiences.  Lowbrow seems to be a good place to share all...nice and anonymous.  So because of these promiscuous moments, I get a lot of e-mail from lowbrow.com men.  I don't mind, I always answer them.  But this last guy...he sure took me by surprise when he said "So, are you a virgin?" What the hell??? Did he even read them?  
  3/27  When my friend gave me a slip of paper with "Sexaholics Anonymous" written on it followed by a phone number, I figured that it was his new cel phone number and he was just being a smart ass.  I called the sexaholics number and was amused by the generic female prerecoded "leave your name and number" message on his voice mail system.    So I left a message.  The next day I get a call.    "You left a message for Greg?" she asked.    "Yeah.  Who's this?"  "There's no Greg here, this number is for the Baton Rouge chapter of Sexaholics Anonymous."  So it wasn't Greg's number after all.  "Sexaholics Anonymous, huh?" the ramifications were unfolding in my head.  "So what are you doing this weekend?" I asked.  She hung up.  
  When I was a sophomore in high school, my dad found out I had smoked weed.  He was pissed, to say the least.  The summer after my junior year, my family went on vacation to Hawaii.  One night, I walked into the kitchen of the house we were staying at to say goodnight to him.  It's completely dark, but my dad was standing next to the stove trying to light it.  "What are you doing, Dad? Trying to cook something?"  He giggled and said no.  "Uh, okay, then goodnight."  I was halfway out through the dining room when I hear him calling me back.  I come back in and he's got the fridge open just enough so the light's on and I can see he has a joint in his hand.  He's grinning almost maniacally and looks at it, looks at me, looks back at it.    "No thanks, Dad, I'm cool."  I don't know what bothered me more.  The fact that he offered me pot, or that he was giddy at the idea of getting high with a teenager.  He's never reprimanded me for drinking or smoking since.  
  I ate at an asian restaurant today with some coworkers. Come time for fortune cookies everyone read their fortunes aloud. On my turn I looked down at my fortune and voiced, "Not only did your girlfriend leave you, your cat is going to die." It surprised me that all of them reached to pull the slip of paper from my hands to read it.      
  my shitty McJob was pissing me off to no end, and they wanted me to work easter weekend when i'd rather have been out of town "visiting family."  my boss asked me why my till had been $146 short the day before. i shrugged, having no idea and not caring. i informed him i wouldn't be coming the next day so i didn't really give a sickly shit.  i went up to the breakroom and had a bloody nose (happens a lot, my nose is always full of clotted blood these days). decided to draw an inverted pentagram in blood on the wall. it turned out nicely, and i hid it behind a stand of lockers.  there were guys doing maintenance that day, so it's possible they pulled the cheap sheet-metal lockers aside and saw my work while it was still fresh. but i'd be just as satisfied if they discovered it weeks later. pricks.  
  I received a letter yesterday. One of those annoying ones where you have to rip off the three edges to open it. I'm going to receive a special tax rebate of three hundred dollars. At first I was happy. Then I remembered that it's just a spoonful of sugar in a shovelful of shit.  
  I have to remind my English drunken genes and my Irish drunken genes that they are geographically seperated by water so they are not in effect at the same time.  
  saw this once on a bathroom stall wall...  if you love your boyfriend,  have some class,  don't write his name,  where you wipe your ass  
  after traveling to our office in michigan for two days of pointless meetings and "training," my co-worker and i have about 6 hours to kill before our 9pm flight back to NY.   two 32yr old, fairly sophisticated guys in a rental car do what with their free time? bars? casinos? no.  first, we go to marvelous marvin's mechanical something or other, an arcade with a bunch of really old vaudeville-era coin-operated...devices, and a bunch of modern arcade games.   then we drive around the economically depressed areas surrounding the detroit metro airport, driving in and out of trailer parks and run-down neighborhoods, gawking at people and their lives like quasi-invisible sociology researchers.  i would rather be homeless in peen station than a home-owner in wayne, michigan.    
  My friends and i decided to play some tennis one day. So we went to the closest tennis court and we brought my dog. its a really small dog, and she can barely fit a tennis ball in her mouth, so catching it is way out of the question. So me and my friend are just hitting back and forth as the dog chases the ball everywhere it goes, and tries to catch it. well i start hitting the ball kinda hard, and the dog is getting closer and closer to getting it. then i just smash it over the net. as she goes to try to catch in, she miscalculated where the ball would be and it hit her smack in the middle of her head. It was probably the saddest thing i have ever seen, but i couldnt stop laughing.  
  sign above a mirror in a women's bathroom in bar harbor(or, as wee say in boston, baa haabaa): you look maavelous daaling!  then i got kicked out because i wasn't supposed to be in there.    
     i think i know what the problem is i said to the incredibly irate guy as he yelled at the kid packing his car yeah what the fuck is that said he seems youve exeeded your daily recommended dose of irate asshole for the day said i  at least he shut up    
  I like to do random things at malls for my own amusement. Examples include  -proposing to an old woman. Not someone I knew, just a random old woman. Walked up to her, got down on one knee, and asked her to marry me. She laughed. Her husband poked me with his cane.  -asked a mother with 4 screaming toddlers if she would be my mommy. She went along with the joke, chuckled a little, and said " Sorry kiddo. I have a handful already". I then told her I'd kill one of htem for her so I could take its place. She didn't appreciate that.  -walked into stonebrook ( a store with massage chairs and shit) and just sat in a chair for 15 minutes. Struck up a conversation with the clerk. Then, I got up, and told him he had quality merchandise, and deserved a raise. He told me he had just gotten one yesterday, so I yelled at him " WELL THEN, SIR, YOU DESERVE NOTHING! GOod DAY!" and I stormed out of the store as if I were furious  -I saw a sign for an animatronic dinosaur exhibit. it read " Dinosaurs come alive!" I screamed " OH MY DEAR LORD, THE DINOSAURS ARE COMING TO LIFE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" I then screamed frantically, and ran out the door.   The sad thing is, after all is said and done, I'm the only one who's ever laughing.  
  Christian was 22 and I was 28.  He had the hots for me and I felt the same towards him, but we both sorta didn't want to have full-on sex so we did some touching and etc., ending up watching each other masturbate.  Which suited me fine because he had a lovely member and looked very sexy jerking off.  When he came he made sure it squirted onto his bare belly.  Then when he got his breath back he began to dip his fingers in the sticky cum that was all over him and lick it off.  He offered me some but I politely declined, having no crackers handy.  *gag*  
  Long ago, I worked for AAA on the helpline, taking abuse from people too stupid to check their tires or oil before leaving on a cross-country drive and then cussing me out when I couldn't guarantee a tow truck would be there to save them in less than 5 minutes. Fortunately, our branch's phone system was under-maintained and disconnected a lot.  Lots of you fuckers out there, broken down on I-10 probably hate my guts, after hearing the dial tone 30 seconds into your whine.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I was at work, and it was time for a porno break. I popped in a disk of choice pictures, highlighted the files, and then right-clicked to select "Open". Alas, the computer chose that moment to do something with the hard drive at that moment. The interruption froze the mouse for a second, and caused me to click on "Print" instead. You know, Windows doesn't even stop to ask what printer...it just starts the job.  I tore out of my office, down the hall to the printer, and skulked around until all twenty filthy pictures printed, and I could drop them in the shredder.  Fuck Windows and fuck Bill Gates.  
  Totally amazed, I watched the quiestest girl in high school get completely tanked and proceed to pick up a guy in the club, take him out to her car and fuck him. She was back 20 mins later, only to pick up another guy who she fucked standing up in the parking lot. She came back, bought more drinks, danced a little more, before settling on the last guy of the evening. I presume she went back to his place since her parents may have objected.  Me? I went home alone. Go fucking figure.  
  Shortly after collage I got a job counseling delinquent sex offenders.  Serial rapists, child molesters and every other type of predator you could think of, all under the age of  17.    During one session a  client  was listing off his victims: his neighbor, his cousin, his mom and her boyfriend (they had passed out), a dog, a cat and a DUCK!!!  That is when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  With out thinking I asked how the hell do you     a duck?   And for the next 3 hours he told me.    I learned that there are just something s that you can never unknow.  
  I had sex in the back of my car  whilst my friend was driving it down the road,  whilst recieving a hand-job. I felt bad for the car behind us, who got not one but *TWO* drippy condoms flung onto thier windshield.  I'm sorry  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after a good session of morning sex i lay on top of her just staring in to her eyes... thinking how my life has changed so much recently and she says to me "your weiner is twitching"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my youth, my mother, who had had her gall bladder removed, would sometimes have lots of loud and quite frequently smelly, gas.  Usually, if it was just family around, she'd follow up a juicy one with "Good ass"    
  If you're in Amherst, Massachussets, the absolutely best place to eat is Bueno y Sano - amazing burritos, and easily the size of a football.  If the night before, however, you drank a few Heinekins, a couple of "Scorpion Bowls" (a potentially lethal combination of liquors, Long Island Iced Tea-style, available at most Chinese resturants) and a 12 pack of God's Gift To Man - Pabst Blue Ribbon, I'd suggest skipping the burritos for breakfast.  I should have.  
  I actually saw the Beatles. My mom took my sisters and I.  This was back in their collarless Nehru jacket days, with just a single 100 watt Marshall amp on the stage.  I didn't say I  heard  the Beatles, because I didn't. I also didn't hear anything else for about three days.   I'd never been more scared in my life.  One sister threw her panties at them.  The other sister got into a scratch-fight with the girl in front of her. The girl was ejected and showed up on the front page the next day.  And my mom? She sat through the whole thing, saying over and over:  "If everybody would just sit down and be quiet, they'd all see and hear a whole lot better."  
  I am in the Army National Guard, and when I got activated to go to Bosnia in 2002 I had no idea how addictive masturbation could become.  It got to that point that I would beat off like three times a day, on schedule.  Once when i woke up, Once after lunch, and once before I went to bed.  Hell, I never even ate on that regular of a schedule.  I was so fucking horny that I would jerk off while i was on guard duty.  I managed this because while on guard you would be stationed in a guard tower on the edge of camp.  If you were really careful you could drop your pants and beat it while looking out the window, so nobody would know.  That is pretty fucking low brow.  
  I licked some guys balls tonight. Ewww that's gross, I have no idea why I do things like that sometimes.  And while I was doing it the only thing I could think of was...I have a regular toothbrush, I have a blow job toothbrush, and now do I need yet ANOTHER toothbrush for balls?    Yuck...just yuck...and I wasn't even drunk or high.  
  I was working on set construction for a theatre performance.  A classmate wore a Ku Klux Klan hat around, carrying a noose and laughing his ass off.  I may be white, but my girlfriend's black.  He soon found a 2x4 being swung firmly into his nose.  I was rewarded by everyone else who knew him.  
  I was once being blown by a big-breasted lady in someone's kitchen. She had long blonde hair and I was having the time of my life. But I had previously fallen in a rubbish bin and slightly damaged my shoulder. As she worked her way to the conclusion, my arm popped out of its socket! Thats not a good thing. I had to use my other arm and jam it back in to get it working again and I told my female friend to not worry about me and not to stop what she was doing. When I had recovered and I was about to explode in her mouth, her best friend decided to walk in, but I was near the door and decided she wouldn't want to see me fire my spunk onto her friends face, so I slammed the door with my bad arm and nearly knocked her out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I kissed the Blarney stone in Ireland.  It's meant to give you the gift of the gab.  Later that night I chatted up a nice Irish boy.    I got something in the gab.    And it wasn't a gift.  
  I eagerly await the situation where I have a lemon meringue pie and some asshole asking for it.    
  at about 4am my roommate and i had munchies so we wanted to hit the taco cabana a few blocks away.  our suitemate with the obnoxious, flagrant sense of humor offered to drop us off because for whatever reason he was going to go home for the night.  we went left at a stoplight and a lone raver-type chick was crossing the street under the protection of the WALK light and she went in front of the car and my lovely suitemate decides a long, bleating honk is appropriate.  she flips us off and raises her arms defiantly, and my suitemate drives the remaining 20 yards to cabana and gets in line at the drive-thru while saying something inaudible to her along the lines of "yea i've got somethin' you can lick" or something brilliant and clever like that with his thick drawl.  the raver chick was on her way to the restaurant apparently, and she walks in front of the car, raises her arms defiantly again and, almost as an afterthought, kicks the front bumper of the mustang. it made this pathetic *tunk* sound.  the tunk noise was the lowbrow part of he incident.    
  The very first thing I thought of when I saw the towers fall on 9/11 was:  They are never, ever going to show that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes to New York and has to pick up his impounded car at 1 World Trade Center, ever again.  I almost cried.  Then I realized that lots of people were dying and we were probably heading into world war three, and I figured that sucked too.  
  Him: It's just mind-boggeling.  I have absolutely no idea how she achieved such a level of success in her chosen profession.  Me: I know what you mean.  I feel the same way about the Hedgehog.  Instant understanding.  
  Today I decided to buy an MP3/cd player...  I go into FYE (yes over priced but I needed one before friday) and looked at two MP3/CD players.  I saw two which looked good. I looked at both of thier features and they looked identical.  One was 130$ another 100$. I was baffled so I asked the sales person what the difference was other than the price.  She started reading off thier features looking for difference unable to find any so she started making them up.  Even with them made up I pointed out both the cd players had the same features.  The best thing she could come up with was that the more expensive one had a larger display.  Now the lowbrow part of this is, readers, is that I ended up buying the more expensive MP3/CD player anyways although the two cd player's features were the same.  
  I was 15...My sister's friends were 18 and 19, of course, i was in love.  They used to tease me relentlessly, knowing that I was always horny. Maybe not knowing, that I loved the teasing.  They used to give me kisses and hugs, just to string me along and get a "reaction".   One day they wanted to see just what they could get me to do. They actually got me to let them shave my legs, and put hot pink nailpolish on. I thought it was funny, until the flashbulb blinded me! Now THAT, my friends, is embarrassment!  
  I just went outside to check the mail.  The sky was pure white, with ashy grey clouds spinning past me faster than I had ever seen.  Pushing the clouds was a wind so ghastly cold and unsteady that I felt I might be feeling the chills of hell.    It was awesome.        
  What this world needs is hamburger flavored ice cream with tiny chunks of beef, lettuce, tomato and pickles in it.  
  went to the house of a friend's girlfriend. another bud and i kept trying to get him to leave. he was driving. they finally snuck off to her room and proceed to do the nasty. we're pissed. no pussy for us and we want to get to town. while they are banging away we dig out a couple of towels from the linen closet, unfold them, shit on them, fold them neatly back up and replace them in the stack of clean towels.   wonder who found them.  
  I went on a trip with some friends who were in boy scouts. fun time. one kid had a baseball bat filled with sand. i had first try with it, and everyone ran over to get a try with it too. kids ranging from 16 - 9 going, "I"m next on that, man."  The ball came, I put all my strength into it and swung that sand-filled motherfucker and missed. The bat kept moving, finishing it's circle, and hit some little kid in the stomach who had just jumped to the front of the line, jumping up and down with glee and saying, "Me next, me next!"   That'll teach the little fucker to cut in line.  
  The gorgeous barmaid from the local brewpub walked by just as my son had a   screaming   temper tantrum.  She smiled at me and walked on.  I saw her at the pub later:  Me: "I'm sorry you had to see that"  She: "Oh, there's no need to apologise!"  Me: "I'm not apologising -- I'm just sorry.  Now you'll never risk getting pregnant by me."  She laughed a delighted, surprised laugh.  Obviously, the thought had never crossed her mind.  
        Wearing a long orange dress with frogs on it, birkenstocks and a cardigan I stated in a matter of fact tone "No, I'm a goth." He laughed. I was serious. I left him to his stereotypes.  
  Cop:  RAP RAP RAP  "Why are you pulled over here?" (scenic turn-off at night) --"I was just sitting here, thinking." Cop:"What were you thinking about?" --"..." Cop:"..." --"..." Cop:"..." --"Who the fuck are you, the thought police??" Huh. He actually left.  
  My Boyfriend and I were sitting at a gas station- a few hours after we'd had sex.  I was pumping gas into my car when I happened to quietly mention to him that I had a big load of his "jism" that was beginning to run down my leg. (I wasn't wearing panties)  "Yeah!  Nice! That's what I'm saying, Baby.  Take it all! Take it all!" He replies from the passenger seat.  So, as I'm walking to get back into my car, I stick my hand in my shorts and get a nice warm wad of this stuff  on three of my fingers.    I enter the car.  "You think that's funny?" I say. "Hell yeah!"  He answers.   It was then, that I took my fingers and wiped a big glop of his own cum right smack dab across his face.  He calls it Vulgar. I call it, Establishing Dominance.    
  She had to be at work in 30 minutes and it takes her 15 minutes to get there and she still had to get ready to leave the house.   "Come on," she says, "We got time for a quickie."  I knew then that I was in love.  
  Yesterday I drove for an hour and a half. My gas gauge didn't flinch the entire time. I remain in awe of modern technology. Also because of the hot pocket. Where do they think of this stuff?  
  Man, getting praise from another "brower".....  There's got to be something low about that.  I personally think "limbo" has the "brow 'de resist'ance".....    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know what's bad? My ex-girlfriend decides to take pictures of me in the shower, I'm a bit wary, so she says "Don't worry its got no film in it"  You know what's worse? She was lying.  You know what's even worse? My dad decides to get them developed...  I guess sometimes you can only laugh... hehehe  
  Insufficient Fare  The two ugliest words in the English language to a frustrated commuter who is already running late. I had a feeling my monthly MetroCard was up. Why don't I ever listen to my inner card-karma?  
  I quickly learned that after eaching spicy wings, one should be sure to wash the hands *before* going to go potty. It's worse than fucking a tub of Icy-Hot if you don't.   
  Yay!  I just asked my mom if I could borrow $20 and pay her back in a day or two. I have a date tomorrow and need a bikini wax.  
  When I was a kid, my mom worked at a candy store. One of the things they sold there was called a licorice knot. It was *forty* pieces of red shoestring licorice, each three feet long, tied in a big knot.  Once when I was about 11 or 12, I ate a whole licorice knot in one sitting. About two hours later I had horrible diahhrea, made blood red from the dye in all that licorice.  I thought I was dying. I cried.  
  in my dictatorship...  i would dress criminals up like clowns so that it would be more fun when they were executed...  
  waiting in line for the single-stall women's room at lunch. a woman clomps down the stairs and sees me waiting. 'you on line?' she asks. i nod. she looks towards the men's room and grins. 'let's see how the other half lives,' she said. 'do you not feel comfortable with that?' i laugh uncomfortably as she squeezes past me to try and jar open the door. she succeeds about 10% of the way in, and her inquisitiveness is met by the door being slammed shut loudly. ten seconds later, the door opens, and a man walks out, giving us a stern look.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  The three of us tried to call him but he wasn't home. So we idly talked shit about him for awhile. We also speculated as to whether he was gay, asexual, or just socially inept. Later we found out that the phone had not been hung up properly, and that his machine had recorded everything. He was pretty bitter about it.  
  18 and young... parked in the parking lot of the world's largest mall, West Edmonton Mall.  It was 2 am or so, me and my girlfriend finished a movie and a dinner, she was feeling frisky, and so IN THE CAR, started getting pretty naked.  Just like in the movies, the windows were all steamed up.  My girlfriend was cumming and screaming wildly... we musta missed the first few knocks that the rent-a-cop musta done on my windshield cause the next BANG BANG on the windshield stopped her orgrasm in its tracks...  got off (no pun intended) with a warning and one of the most embarassing moments of my life.   
  I rolled 200,000 miles over on my Dodge Colt E, on the morning of June 2, 1994, while driving on County Farm Road in Kosciusko County. It's a moment I'll never forget.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so there i was, in a small town in northern ohio, i had recently met a beautiful girl, with whom i was madly in love with, we had just started dating, one night after work she says to me, "i cant believe i fell in love with one of you", "if my parents find out i am dead" you see i am half black and if her parents found out or figured this out i was dead, its great when you are reduced to an inanimate object of hatred, isnt?  
  A few things come to mind that feel better than sex. 1. falling into the swimming pool after a day of yard work in 90 degree weather. 2. finally pissing after holding it for 10 minutes longer than you thought possible. 3. pulling out a really in there wedgie. 4. masturbating to old Brady Bunch reruns.  Wait, I guess that last one counts as sex, huh?  
  It actually snowed here (I live in South Carolina) so of course they shut down the University and we all went out and played in the snow. I noticed some guy smoking a cigarette. It seemed like the coolest idea in the world, to stand there and smoke a cigarette in the snow. So I bummed one off of him.  I was right. It was really fucking cool in some strange sensational way. Smoke burning lungs, snow freezing feet, grey smoke curling up and out in front of me while a white carpet spread out in front of me. I think for a moment, that was bliss.   Then I hit someone with a snowball.    - toochickenshit@anotherwhiner.com  ---------------------------------------- Yeah, smoking in the snow is cool. Until your college in Western Massachusetts decides to ban smoking in all the dorms. And you're outside in a blizzard, snow to your knees, sucking filter with your inside-out umbrella busted to shit from the howling wind.  Then it sort of loses its charm.  
  I used to strip for a chinese man who tipped fairly well but the only thing he said to me each time in this grating way of speaking that only those wonderful chinese know how, was   "LET ME SEE YOUR BAAAAAAGINAAAAA!"  first time he did that i had to turn around and shake my ass in his face cause i was laughing so hard!  
  I was on a first date and chose to gloat about how I speed all the time and never get a ticket-- immediately afterward I get pulled over and, yes ladies and gentlemen, I get a ticket. My date wouldn't stop laughing until I sreamed at him to shut up.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         casey: "It's not a drinking problem, it's an alcohol-based solution." me: (to the bartender)  "I now realize that I'm hanging out with the perfect group of people. .. Give us another round."  
  I was teaching my sister to drive today.  So there we are, turning right, from a gas station into traffic, in preparation for an immediate right at the intersection. She turns into traffic, and is still half-turned, waiting behind a car for the light to change. We're on a slight uphill and when the light turns green, she panics. She fuckin floors it, peels out, and KEEPS turning - she jumps the curb, goes across the sidewalk, diagonally back through the gas station, over the next sidewalk and curb and onto the other street. And there we were, going the way we had originally planned.   A little flustered, she pulls over and takes a deep breath. I reassured her and explained what exactly had happened, and proceeded to laugh my ASS off for the next 20 minutes while she drove herself home.  Fuck that was funny.   
  I already knew that such luminaries as Jerry Seinfeld and Fran "The Nanny" Drescher were alumni of Queens College, my alma mater... but I wasn't impressed.  But when I found out that Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy, famous potbellied porn legend, was a fellow Queens College alumnus... then I was proud to be a Queens College graduate!  (He got pretty good grades, too!)  
  the toilet is broken in the apartment; it runs constantly. so my roommate and i have devised a solution of turning it off unless we have to flush. when you twist the toilet on or off, it makes a farting noise. this is why we have yet to fix it. we spend any spare moment turning the little knob to make the fart noise and then we laugh hysterically for about 10 minutes.  
     So I'm sitting here browsing porn, getting rock hard and ready to start spanking it when my stomach starts making that gurgling sound - You know the one; Sounds like air bubbles flowing through toxic waste (which really is a pretty apt description).      On the one hand, I have Sydney Moon, a few hours to spare, and the overwhelming urge to whip it out and start jackin'.     On the other, I know that if I try and stand to take my pants off, I'm going to plop a nice leaky one right in the backside of what is my only pair of clean jeans.     If there truly is a hell, then this is it.  
  "Do you think it will make your pee turn colors?" I asked, as he lay there in his hospital gown.    "The glee with which you asked that question is disturbing,"  he answered.  
  I met this woman who was like 75 years old, but had really big tits.  She gave me her phone number, and I called her a coupla weeks later.  I went to visit her, and she had several easy listening favorites from the fifties stacked on her console stereo.  After they all finished playing she took me to her bedroom and gave me a fantastic blowjob.  Her tits looked pretty old, though.  
  I visted my grandma when I was twelve. I began to sit on her couch and she let out a scream "Don't sit there!"   I tried not to but she'd caught me at the wrong moment. I was too far crouching and gravity made it impossible for me to stand. So I sat.  When I plopped down on the couch I heard a sickening "squish" under my butt and felt the repulsive coolness of some strange liquid saturating my pants, legs and back.  My near-elderly uncle, who lived with my grandmother, was responsible for the strange moisture. Apparently, Grandma explained as I sat  in horror, my uncle had the habit of passing out on the couch after one of his numerous drinking binges.  During the night he almost always pisses himself soaking the couch with his drunkard's urine. Now I sat in the middle of my uncle's creation, his product fully soaking my clothing.  I was only twelve, but I truly hated my family.   
  A friend pointed out a big smear of brown stuff on my hoody.  Without thinking I tasted it to see what it was.   Thank god it was chocolate.  
  Went to dinner at all-you-can-eat-buffet. Had to take wicked dump, during said dinner.  In restrooms, I "hover" over commode...have never been able to sit on one yet.  It blew out my ass. Wiped and turned around to see that it landed ON back part of the seat. Pulled up pants giggling.  At sink, I turned to notice a urinal...thinking, why is a urinal in the ladies room???  Suddenly in walks a MAN! He looks at me...I look at him...thinking, "Man, I can't be in the mens room, can I?   Oh my God, is this the ladies room? says he.  I leave as soon as my ass could get me outta there...only to have him come out and sit at the table right next to us!  In my head I'm thinking of the massive shit left on the commode seat that he do doubt saw when he took his turn in there. OMG!  Needless to say I didn't eat another bite of my dinner.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Damn - rang her again for more phone sex. It's not as if I couldn't have gotten laid this week what with some girl asking me straight out to fuck her in some bar.  And then there's the girl that I'm hoping to get into bed by the end of the week (and probably will).  But phone sex with a sluty Scot chick still has a weird fascination for me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my cat likes to sit on my girlf and i's laps when we use the toilet, and he's gotten used to just jumping up on the toilet seat when he sees us going in there.  well i go in, lift the seat, and start to pee in the dark, only i don't hear anything hitting the water...then i hear a REEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWRRRR!!!!    turn on the light and yep...i peed on the cat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Do you think it will make your pee turn colors?" I asked, as he lay there in his hospital gown.    "The glee with which you asked that question is disturbing,"  he answered.  
  I went to school with Harry Boner Jr.  Don't you think his father would have learned by then that Harry Boner was not a good name?  
  I bought a supersize bag of gummy bears my friends kids.  The children were in bed.        My friends and I  spent a good hour coming up with gummy bear sexual congress scenerios, each more vile than the last, and acting them out with the confection.  In the morning we let the kids eat the slutty chewy candy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "GET RICH QUICK"  is hard  "GET BANKRUPT QUICK"  is not only more absolute, but also rebellious and unique and shocking  so don't pierce your nose      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I usually wake up early after getting drunk, so one day I woke up and went downstairs, and I got to see my brother's morning ritual. and it was disgusting. he was on the couch with a brownish colour all over his face playing video games, and he had a bowl in front of him with what looked and smelled like dog food in it. when I asked him what it was, he told me it was beeferoni and tv dinners in a bowl. he said it didn't taste very good until he added imense amounts of several types of cheese.   
  It was a very brief conversation, monosyllabic answers from us, simple questions from them.  "You boyfriend and girlfriend?"  "How old are you?"  "Can we see your ID's?"  They seemed as embarassed as we were, despite the badges.  Maybe it was the moist panties on the rear-view mirror...  
  I was in Japan a few years ago and I got really sick.  I was shitting and throwing up like mad.  Solid food made me puke.  Liquids made me shit.  I became extremely cotton-mouthed and was truly frightened when a friend gave me some American medicine.  I swallowed the pills with a drink of water and thought that I'd be okay.  Three minutes after I took the medicine I had terrible stomach cramps.  I ran to the bathroom and immediately shit.  I looked in the bowl and what do you think I saw?  That's right, the pill I had just taken was floating in the bowl--completely whole.  I whimpered for a bit, then accepted my destiny of impending death.  I woke up the next morning and felt great.  It was bizzare.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like the little yellow ducks header the best. When i get home after work and plop down for a lil lowbrow entertainment, i always want the ducks to come up. The one with the weird lil formaldahyde babies creeps me out, and the chick with the glasses is just too close, like she's in my personal space or something. Back off lady. But the ducks... the cute lil yellow ducks... they remind me of sesame street and bath time. If i don't get the ducks on the first try, i close the browser window and try again till i get them. Of course, i read all the moments that come up as i'm trying to score ducks. I don't wanna miss anything worth reading.  
  my very nice roommate, kelly, switched rooms with another girl named kelly at the first of the year, and they still get phone calls to the wrong rooms. so the phone rings tonight, and i (not kelly) answer it. "Can i speak to kelly?" "Sure."  i go to give the phone to her. "KELLY!!  are you ready to get FUCKED UP!?" "...this isn't kelly yet.  and i don't think my kelly gets fucked up.  sorry."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The booger that had bothered me in class, but I was too lazy to go to the bathroom to get it out, flew out of my nose, while riding on the bus.  That's what they get for not giving me a seat, fuckers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Please learn from my gullible nature  If a person ever sends you a link telling you that www.kkk.com is a site for a band with the acronym standing for  krusading kolossal knights. Don't click it.    
  Is it too much to ask that your girlfriend says:   "You know, before we get into this, I should let you know I have herpes."  Instead of:  "I'm on birth control so we don't need to use rubbers!"  At the time, it was the best news I'd heard in years. Though I've never seen anything amiss as of yet with my Johnson, after we broke up, I found out she had 3 boyfriends simultaneously, and was well known in her town for a rumor that she contracted herpes.  Folks, this will make you learn your potential fuck partners better I assure you, but do yourself a favor and stay local if you can.  Of course, falling in love with a keyboard, jizzing on a monitor, and saying I love you to someone a full continent away is always an option for those of you who are too frightened by my blunt honesty.  
  The only times I ever really want a b.j. are the times they are not forthcoming. It's funny how so many girls say that they give really good head. It's obvious that they were told that by someone who just wanted them to suck their dick again and again and really didn't care or notice how good the head was.  If I were honest: "Sorry, way too wet and slobbery. I have cold saliva in my butt crack now" and: "Jesus, don't use your teeth!" and: "Ouch, that just chafes." and: "Gee, you know I would not have accepted your offer if I'd known you neither spit nor swallowed but rather directed the cum onto my own belly."  
  My favorite weekend so far was spent helping an acquaintance who tricked me into helping her with a playgroup of little kids for a couple of days.  By the end of it, I had most of them convinced that ghosts followed them everywhere, there really IS something under the bed, and that Fuck, Shit, and Cunt are all acceptable terms for happy moments. Kids are fun.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So for a while one summer I worked in a deli. It wasnt a fun job, but whatever.   I worked in that little window where you place the finished sandwiches, and I could see all of the customers as they ordered their sandwiches.  If i judged a customer to be fat or ugly, I would usually fuck up their sandwich. I liked to give me four times as many onions as the sandwich required. It was also really fun to slide cucumbers or spicy mustard on sandwiches.   One time a man complained because he was allergic to cucumbers and his face was starting to swell. My manager looked at him and sayed "i'm sorry sir, but that aandwich doesnt come with cucumbers." He made her look inside the sandwich. Luckily I had only put one cucumber on that sandwich. It was the one that he ate.  
  I make it a habbit to not goto the bathroom during movies, no matter how bad I had to go.  This one particular case though, I was at a dumb Chris Tucker movie and had to pee BAD.  So I goto the bathroom.  Now, a little background - I NEVER use public restrooms, so my whole life I'm used to peeing in complete solitude; public restrooms are a foreign concept to me.  I get in there and almost all the urinals are used except for one.  I go back out, wait for some people to leave, go back in.  Great, nobody's there.  I unzip my fly and my shit's hanging in the air idly because it knows that any moment someone could walk in.  It's afraid of doing it's work when someone could see.  Well, a few moments pass and a young boy walks in.  This boy obviously knows little of bathroom ettiquete, or maybe he was just gay, and takes the urinal next to mine.  Suddenly, I notice he's looking at my wang.  I didn't know why, or what to say, so I zipped up and decided I'd be more at home in a stall.  I didn't use a urinal again for years after that incident.  
  I lost my mind for a year...then yesterday, my pirated cable was disconected..it was both the best and worst day of my life...  
  I drank a carton of milk.  Then I spit a bunch of lung butters (I'm not very good at hacking them up) in there.  Later I added a pear core. With the pear juice and saliva, it's starting to smell a little like alchohol.  Pear Wine Creme Sauce, with a delicate accent of butter d'Pall Mall.  Mmmm... that's a delicacy.        
  i've reached a new low of things i've done while drunk.  i shaved my asscrack  i no longer have a hairy, white ass. now its just a white ass. goddamn.  and it itches too  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm sitting at my computer when the phone is dead in my house. I'm really horny, so I decode to print off some porn and take it to my bedroom for a litle relaxation period before I go to sleep. Everything was going fine... no one was up and i wasn't going to get caught printing it off.  However, I learned what instant Karma was that night just as i was slowly taking the paper out of the printer and placingit on the floor. As I did so, I accidentally brushed the edge of one sheet of paper against my cock and opened up a nice slit of a papercut right on the sahft... talk about ruinng the moment...  
  I caught my cat peeing beside the toliet.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I had a girlfriend for all of 9 months. She dropped by one afternoon when I was sick with a pan of brownies and a video tape with the simpsons on it (my favorite show). so I start eating the brownies and turn on the tape. midway through it, it cuts to her sucking off some dude. he nuts in her mouth, she looks at the camera, and says "you're dumped. enjoy the brownies" - and spits the mouthful of cum into a bowl of brownie mix.     
  Me and 3 of my friends were frying and we were talking about a rave the next day but my friend Nette didn't have an ID.    We have an idea. We will get her a passport but where? We call kinko's 24 hour and yes they do passports.   We all go to this 24 hour kinko's and obtain her "passport" without them needing her SS# , birth certificate or any kind of special information!!!    score.   so when the acid wore off we had some damn cracked out pictures of Nette and obviously not a passport but passport "photos"  
  While going through my rommate's old videos of heavy metal concerts from the 80's, I came across a tape that said "Twisted Sister '83". I popped the tape in, and after about 10 minutes of concert it switched to my roomate and his girlfriend having sex. He was out of town, so the next night I invited all of my friends over and we watched the whole thing.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          At a bar basement oi/punk show, 100 Pounds of Porn is headlining. (There was atleast one hundred pounds of the stuff being thrown around.)   Watching cute chicky bounce around shirtless in front of me, band stickers on her nipples.   That's when the female dwarf, who I hadn't seen get on top of the bar behind me, accosts the back of my head.   I guess this was like a sequel to her earlier ass-grabbing.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some guys have no idea how brainwashed they've become by the PC world.  When I say "Pull my hair, c'mon, take me, rough.."  ........I get something like "I'm a nice guy, I respect you too much to treat you like that."  What the fuck is this world coming to?  
  I got on the bus one day, in my junior year and walked to the back of the bus and sat down opposite one of my good friends Bert. Well Bert says "dude check it out" he reveals a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a lighter. I think to myself this is not going to go well. He pours some on his hand and lights his hand on fire, his hand goes up and he lets it burn for about ten seconds then putting it out. Everyone looks in awe expecting him to be crying from the burn, but it didn't burn his hand only the alcohol on it. He does this for quite some time without problems, when he pours a ton on his arm and lights it on fire. Well a big drip comes off the bottom of his arm on to the seat between his legs. Meanwhile everyone is in awe of his burning arm. This time however he is unable to get the fire out. And the blaze between his legs is getting bigger, but by some miracle he doesn't notice it. He finally manages to get the fire out, sits there for a second...gives us all a puzzled look and then stiffles a scream. His crotch is on fire! he quickly puts it out. Meanwhile the five back rows of the bus are in chaos laughing their ass's off. He examines his pants they have a minor burn mark and the seat is a little melted. He then makes a great decision and puts it away, and the rest of the trip to school went without incident. One of my many adventures with a friend I refer to as "Crazy Bert".  
  my waffle house addicted (now)x-roommate brought three of the waitresses back to the appartment for drinks.. one was from ethiopia.. she had never seen a real handgun before (.357) she picked it up, cocked it and pointed it at my chest.. i took it from her, pointed it at the ground (as your supposed to) and when i went to unload it.. it went off...   biggest problem was that we lived on the second floor.. missed my downstairs neighbor by three or four feet..   thinking back now i wish she had shot me just to save me from the embarassment i feel now thinking back about the whole situation..  note: i sold that gun a month later so i could fund a roadtrip to richmond to buy some records.  
  I met a girl and she had a boyfriend. I stole her from him and I fell in love with her. Everything was fine then suddenly she said that she wasnt over her ex. I understood and gave her space like she wanted. Anyways she broke my heart 4 times in 2 months. I kept coming back to her, but now I'm finally over her. Waste of time? maybe... Now I'm gonna hump her friend. I cant wait to get that bitch back.  
  It's one of those moments that always makes me smile.  My friend had just turned eighteen - his bitch girlfriend couldn't even be bothered to see him. We got drunk and drunk and drunker as the night progressed.   I had a concoction mixed up in a coke bottle. All sorts of shit including something from a bottle at the back of my parent's drinks cabinet which had a pciture of a werewolf on the label. Another guy has joined us and I give him some of it. When I tell him what's in it he jumps up and shouts "For Fuck's Sake - A Werewolf? Why didn't you tell me."  Then he rushes down an alley way and pukes.  Later my friend had a conversation with a cop, looking up from the footpath where he lay.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Learning about Taoism today, we were talking about the translation of Chinese.  Tao is normally translated as "way," but the character for Tao is made up of two chinese characters, one for "road" and one for "head" which is usually interpretted as the path of the mind or something along those lines.  All I can think about is how I got Tao on the 405 fairly recently, and somehow managed not to crash.  
   My buddy and I were looking for two roommates to take our extra bedroom. But they have to be lesbians. As girls, they won't make messes, (My current roommate and I keep the place really clean) and as lesbians, we won't try to have sex with them and mess up our relationship as roommates.       They have to be buff manly lesbians too, in case my car breaks down they can fix it for me. We'll do the dishes, they'll clean the gutters.  
  I'm brushing my teeth the other night when my wife comes in, sits down on the toilet to pee.  I hear this strange sucking sound and out comes The Keeper.  In case you don't know, The Keeper is a little rubber diaphram like thingy that captures menstrual muck allowing her to dispose of the fluids when and where she chooses.  That night she chose to toss it, full of bloody goo mind you, into the sink while I was brushing my teeth.  I spit my tooth paste foam on it, rinsed my mouth and left it there 'till morning.   
  Last night after The Daily Show was over, I was too lazy to change the channel and was forced to watch Colin Quinn's show. Colin's show is set up so four b level actors discuss a given topic, and tonights was celebrities commenting on political issues in the media. Every single one of the guests on Colin's show agreed that celebrities need to shut up because nobody wants to hear their opinions. The irony of it all made me search for the remote.  
  so im at work when the most overwhelming bowel movement hits me.   so i rush into the bathroom trying to not make a big scene, squat on the toilet, and let 'er rip. i swear it flew out of me, not just dropped, but flew.   this ended up being a double flusher (when there's too much poo to go down in just one flush). so after the second flush, i get go to put down the seat, when the water and poo are almost over flowing above the rim.   so what did i do?  i grabbed the plunger and went to town on this bad boy. i plunged until i heard a loud pop noise and looked down. there was no water left in the toilet at all. i thought to myself, "no water, wtf???"  so i just left the bathroom to find that my boss was waiting outside for his turn. he never went in the bathroom after me again   
  i wear thongs. i wear garter belts with lacey-topped thigh highs. my pussy is completely hairless, as are my legs and underarms. i put on "fredricks of hollywood" corsets and such and dance in front of the mirror. i listen to alot of Lords of Acid, and i sleep in the nude. i am 5'5" 120lbs with blonde hair and blue eyes and if i may say so, a pretty face. i am an emotionally stable girl with a promising career in the visible future. oh yeah, and im going insane because I HAVENT HAD SEX IN ALMOST 4 YEARS.  standards+willpower=misery  
  You know who fuckin' pisses me off?  Those people who are clueless about life till they reach 17, discover history and the fine arts, become fucking leftist pseudo intellectuals for the next 8 years and then become some right-wing voting corporate tool, get married to some shallow bitch, have 2.4 kids and the cycle of toolness perpetuates itself.  I hate that.  
  Just now I was at a burger joint getting lunch.  A partially retarded young lady was wiping tables in the eating area.  While dispensing my own fountain soda, an old man comes scuffling up beside me and speaks to her:  "You know, if you wasn't at work, we'd take you home and drink us a nice cold six pack of beer!"  My hackles rose.  Oh my god, I thought.  It never ends.  We grow to be a hundred years old and our dicks still rise up through our mouths and make us say banal things to girls in burger joints.  I swallowed bile.  "Yep."  He says.  "Nice cold six pack.  How does that sound."  At which point I can't take it and I turn around.  The young lady is wearing the greatest and most sincere smile of all time.  She is litterally radiating.  "That sounds great!" she said.  Something dark stomped my heart and I caught a sob in my throat.  I felt hot tears well up and stormed out.  What a godamn world.    
  Me and a friend used to go to St. Huberts chicken restaurant every saturday for dinner.  It was kind of like a tradition.  And every time I went I stole some cutlery and plates, because it had their logo on it.  I had a full set of cutlery minus one spoon, and then they closed down.  It depresses me that I'll probably never get that spoon to finish my set.   I had a freind who told me he used to work at St. Huberts.  He said they spit in the food all the time, for no reason at all. God I miss that place  
  Went to the gambling boat, playing three card poker.  The rest of the people at the table knew each other, in fact as near as I can tell lived in the same house.  They were losing pretty steady, 5 or 10 or 15 dollars a hand each, but they seemed to be having a good time, kept the table lively with their banter.  About an hour after I arrived their conversation turned to how were they going to pay the electric bill.  True Story.  
  we were up at a nature reserve. we had lit this cool fire and everything. some one threw some shit into the fire, and we all ran away to avoid getting blown up.  "man, i lost the cone"  so we search around for the cone, and for something to make a cone out of. since it was some one's birthday we bought some party whistle thingies. u no the ones that you and then the paper tube extends out.  so we used a plastic fucking cone out of a paper whistle thing  i pull pull pull pull... then pass out.  i think it had something to do with all the plastic fumes i inhailed?  
  The best jokes to do in a party  (Joke no.1)  One of the best joke to do in a party it's when 2 guys are drunk passed out...  get them naked... you put one guy near the other one... knock in the butt each of them ... put some vasoline in there butt hole... leave open a condom near them and then leave the room...  Now. Next morning, see if they would say something about what append last night!!!     
  Damn it.   My skirt keeps flying up.   I'm not happy about it, but the guys on campus seem to be.   
  "We need to go our separate ways," she murmured over the telephone.    At first, I said nothing.  "Are you okay?" she asked.  "I'm sad, but not surprised," I whispered in response.  Meanwhile, I thought to myself:  "Good... now I can settle in with my real girlfriend."  I'm a bastard.  
  Why do ducks have webbed feet? to stamp out forest fires.  Why do elefents have big flat feet? To stomp out flamming ducks.  
  They kept telling us to stand further back, but we didn't believe it would really be all that dangerous.  When they finally pulled the trigger, though, the flames singed our eyebrows and we jumped back.  Big fire.  On wheels?  With a creak, squeak, and groan, it lumbered off...  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Ack, my dog just farted in her sleep...   ...why the hell does the odor have a hint of salami to it?      
  Today I was sitting with some friends outside the eating some breakfast. There were these little kids all around trying to catch a chipmunk. The chipmunk ran into one of thoes metal tree grates and had it surrounded. My friend said to the little kids, "Hey I bet if you work together you can pick up that grate."   
  A buddy of mine and I are sitting at McD's eating one day when I was back in college.  Had to be back in like '94 of something.  The movie 'Toy Story' was a big hit at the theaters.    I see a fine lookin' hottie walk in and go up to the counter with a little boy.  Not sure if it was a son or brother, whatever.  So anyway, they order their food, and I'm not really paying much attention, but I take a few glances at her (hey, I'm a guy...).  They soon get their food put on their tray, and the boy immediately opens up his happy meal to see what he has gotten.  At the time, they were giving the toys from the movie away.    Excitedly, the boy says loudly, 'Mommy, I got a Woody!!!'  I've never seen a woman turn that shade of red before.    
  (IM name withheld) (7:44:03 AM): Not meant as a come on: I smell your banana.  God damn .not only did they move me to the basement in an Office Space like move but they stuck me next to some weirdo and this is the first IM that he sends me.  At least the cockroaches don t seem as bad now.   
  When I was about 7 I had this next door neighbour kid who was Mennonite named Myron. My aunt and I, she was 10, hated his whiney goodie_two_shoes ass. One day we offered him a cup of apple juice but since we had been teasing him from our yard all day he refused it, not trusting us. We kept trying to convince him to take it but he wouldnt so I threw it at him. He went screaming to his mother saying we threw pee at him. His mother called my grandmother asking her if we threw pee on him. We denied it emphatically outraged we would be accused of such a thing. He got a licking for making the accusation. Of course it really was pee. ;)  
  he growled into her neck in gutteral whispers, "i want to tie you up."  she paused, almost hesitated, locked eyes and replied, "so why don't you?"  he wasn't quite so sure of himself after that.  
  One morning I spat out a rather disgusting ball of flem and mucus and spit out into the sink.   Also, a nose hair was mixed into the bunch.  Some things never cease to amaze me.   
  being american, i always wondered if it was true that people in other countries really do hate americans.  then i figured, "well, i hate americans so why shouldn't everyone else?"  
  I could start a multi-million dollar company, make my fortune and donate it to lowbrow.com in exchange for their entire database, so I could once and for all declare that I have seen every lowbrow moment.   Or I could just sit here clicking reload.  
     He was scruffing about with art in his senior year at Brown U.  We met one night at a dance- he spoke and I walked away, he spoke again and we took a late walk through the cold little city.     He gave me a giant rolled-up drawing before he graduated.  I left the drawing leaning at a friend's house before leaving for the South.  I had dropped out of art school.  "He can draw another one," was all I said.     Of course I was unknowingly crashing from a mental illness at the time, but I didn't have to treat him like Cujo.  Or should I say Drew Barrymore.       I see him in store fashion photography panels and also catalogs.  He stopped writing a long time ago.       I saw his name in a glossy art magazine ad, a N.Y.  gallery.  I wrote him at the gallery with my congratulations, I haven't heard back.  I didn't like his work at the time.   
  I hated my ex for years, after all the cheating and leaving me for other men until the other night when she was drunk as hell and decided to announce in front of several of her other ex's and  a load of our friends that I was the best fuck she had ever had.  The others must have really sucked.  
  it was college  thats the disclaimer she was gorgeous and no one had the balls to ask her out except me on a whim she said yes i was psyched she stayed over and undressed in front of me i was very psyched then she lay there like it was my job to please her and she would not lift a finger maybe too used to her finger ah the lessons one learns in school        
  Dan's brother Daron is in town for the weekend so we decide to celebrate. To save money at the bar we get our buzz on by drinking a few beers and snorting a few valium before we go out. We pile in the car and are all ready to go, but Jen has forgotten something in the house. (Jen is Dan's gf and is our sober driver, btw). So we're sitting there waiting with this blue candy running down the backs of our throats, and Dan comes up with the bright idea of going back inside and snorting some more. We've each ingested 3 pills and are feeling just fine, but our decision-making skills are seriously impaired so Daron and I say "hey, great idea!"   The Bar:  We stumble in smiley, jokey, happy, and generally wasted. Sit down in a booth and order some drinks. First round comes, I take a sip but can't manage to put the glass down properly. Spilled beverage #1. Our waitress hears us laughing, comes over to clean up the mess, and shortly brings me another beer. 5 seconds later, spilled drink #2 and everything goes black.  I'm a lush. I've "blacked-out" before, but never like this. A whole portion of my memory was erased like it never existed. I can remember everything perfectly clear up until that point, but absolutely nothing afterward. Not even some faint foggy image. Just black.  Apparently we had a great time. We went upstairs and played some pool. Dan sent the cue ball flying into the band. The band wrote an impromptu song about Dan's pool-playing skills. We went home and made food and destroyed shit. We were wide awake and partying for 6 hours from my spilled drink on.  And nobody except Jen remembers what happened after spilled drink #2.  damn, sorry Jen.  
  does anyone else think that new hello kitty commercial is just damn freaky?           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         used to start drinking at 9...then 8...then 7. i told a friend it wasn't so bad since i didn't start drinking till 5-ish which is dinnertime. my friend replied "yeah, but you wake up at 5" shit.  
  my roommate and i at the bar commonly refered to as the shit shack. we had ditched the most annoying broad in the world (seriously, she wins) with our friends back at our apartment, my friend mike was trying to lay her better looking and less annoying friend. mike was pissed.   four very large drunk men decide they want to buy drinks for the cute blonds (those being us) and what're we drinking?  tequila, of course.  so after seven shots of well tequila out of dixie cups, (the last two double fisted) said four men and us are stumbling back to our apartment, men eager to try out our ginormous bear claw tub, all of us together. i don't recall how they knew about the tub.  a few blunts later roommate and i are tag-teaming said tub and toilet, projectile vomit everywhere.  this is when our other roommate, d's boyfriend, my best friend, comes home from work. to find four very large very drunk men (oh yeah... at least three of them worked as bouncers around town) both roommates projectile vomiting all over the bathroom. it is now up to him to explain to the very large and eager looking men in the living room the girls are out of commission for the night. My last memory is roommate hanging over me, begging me to show signs of life. i think i twitched a finger, than got hauled to bed where i continued to vomit over everything.  i have never been so hungover, nor have i caused so many people to be angry with me in such a short period of time. i still drink tequila.  karma? i poop on karma.:)  
  I had a nasty waxy buildup in my ears a few weeks back, so bad that I was nearly deaf in my left ear. I go to the doctor and he has this little plunger looking thing...and he plunged my ear...when he was done I had the vile goop all over the side of my head....after I cleaned up I was walking out of the office through the waiting room...then some little girl says *sniff* something smells like ear wax...fucking kids.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Years ago, I had a horrible boss who was also a disgusting immoral human being with a huge expense account.    At Christmas time, he gave me a humor book entitled, "Don't Let Turkeys Get You Down."  Then he fired me.  It was the only fond memory I had of the guy.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Growing up they say if you masturbate too frequently you'll go blind.  Ha.  In college (gah I said the C word) - a girl I was dating said to me "how often do you jerk off?"  I said "well maybe every night I don't know".  She said "I guess so cause you got a  nice   cock."  She was a 'Sports Therapy' major (the 90's upgrade from the PE teacher in training) and knew her muscles.  And mine.  
  I am raising the roof as we speak.  
  We got my friend Dan's dog - Rock by name - stoned.  Big black lab male.  He loved it. He hung out with us all night.  The next morning Dan's mom left us a note saying "watch out for the dog - I afraid he has epilepsy."  
  I almost shit myself when i watched this.  My 7 month old Boxer likes to fart.  He was sitting down near me, and i hear this little whine of a fart come from him.  He looks around to see where it came from, then sniffs his butt, and he gets all freaked out and takes off running.  Of course I am left to wallow in his dog fart smell of death.  
  "You hit it already!" I said. "Did I really?" Said he. "Yes, you did.  A while ago actually.  You've just been sitting there holding the bowl for 5 minutes!" "Oh, okay sorry..." (5 minutes later...the bowl is passed back to him again.) "You fucking double hitting bastard, give me that!" "I hit it already?  Wow...I didn't even notice." (I take the bowl from him and hit it...) "Wow, dude... how stoned are you?  We just skipped you twice..."  
  microsoft word recognizes "cunt-licker" as the correct spelling of the term.  
  Sometimes it's difficult to order whiskey when you're a girl...  "I'll have a large Glenfiddich please"  "Some lemonade madam?"  "No, thank you."  "Ice madam?"  "No, no thank you."  "Would you like some water with that madam?"  "...n... water? Sure lions and tigers drink that, and they're wild..."     
  I was in the mall with my girlfriend and we were eating in the food court. I got up to get drinks and came back. She was next to the table bending over to tie her shoe, so I gave her a luv-tap on the bottom. The woman got up and smacked me across the face, screamed, and told a security guard about it. My table was right next to it and she was watching the whole thing. They were wearing the same jeans and a red shirt. We explained to her and the security guard what happened. They understood, and I apologized.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking down the hall of a collegiate institution, I see a demure woman talking with her friend or associate, whatever. Great care has been taken with her hair, her makeup perfect. She carries herself as though she has walked runways since the day she was born. She looked me in the eye for a moment as we approached each other.  As I pass, I am priveleged to hear the conversation in progress.  "That fucking cocksucker then said I could go fuck myself. Fuck him, right?"  
  I'm a college educated WASP female who lives in upper-class suburbia and I have a secret stash of  Jay-Z and Kid Rock CDs.  I put stickers over them and labled them "Dvorak" and "Mahler", respectively.  If Mahler isn't a pimp, no one is.  
  Lowbrow is the sudden realization that if Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake ever had a show entitled:  "I married and later divorced the guy I met online in a Pagan Chat Room"  I would qualify.  Sucks to be me.  
  Hey, stupidestbastard+1?  I win.  
  This a rather long story, but its the shittiest (literally) 3 hours of my life!!  I was scheduled to work 12-6.  First day on the job!  This is gonna be great, I thought.  Chuckie Cheese, where a kid can be a kid.  Whoever coined that slogan was a fuckin genious 'cause kids can do any damn thing they want in that place.    Two hours into the job, I get the call!  Bathroom cleanup is callin' my name.  Alright so I'll go in, tidy up a bit and be on my way.    (as i walk in) "son of a fuckin' bitch, fuck, shit, damn piece of shit kids, ect."  The water closet smelled like a shit stained, vomit carrying bathroom after a party.  The worse part is that the kids didn't even use the toilets.  Some piece of shit threw up all over the sink, and another shit in the yurnal.  I couldn't believe kids could be such assholes!  I cleaned it up cause im a f'n bitch!  I went outside to observe the scene cause I wanted to know for sure what the hell these kids were doing!  I completely blame the parents who feed the kids 4 or 5 slices of shitty chuckie cheese pizza when at most the kids are capable of handling 1-2 slices.  Then they go run around like f'n maniacs until they feel the shit work its way out and go running to the bathroom.  An hour later after my first incident, I got another call.  Some dick face shit on the floor.  ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!  What the hell!  Needless to say, I didn't touch it, and proceeded to quit the job.  Three hours of hell!  When I left, one of my buddies (who took the job with me and quit two days later) was in the sky tube with some punk who had pissed himself.  Horrible smell in a confined space...no good!  My buddy had to convince the kid to come on out.  When I left, he had already been in the tube for 45 minutes...poor bastard!  
  i got stabbed in the stomach, just over my belt line. it was a straight in and out wound not very deep missed anything major the doctors that sewed me up thought it was funny because the cut was perfect for a surgical prooceedure of some kind.  they kept asking me if i had escaped from an operating room must have been about 10 of them in the room  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I married him, fully sober and in my right mind, knowing he was a hardcore D&D addicted geek. I ought to be canonized.  
  Here's a confession...I have two tooth brushes.  One is what I call the regular tooth brush, the other is what I call the blow job tooth brush.  And here's the scary part...if regular tooth brush and blow job tooth brush were having a race to see who could get used most...they would quite definitly tie. (Pssst...for you slow ones, I do brush my teeth everday regardless.)  
  Hooked up with a girl at a bar once, and went back to her place (about 15 miles down the highway).     After a night of messing around (of which I have only vague memories and vaguer notions of the sequence of events), I awoke and realized I had no clue what this girl's name was.  Compounding the issue was the fact she was asleep on my arm, which severely limited the chances of a successful flight.  I lay there contemplating ways to get out while also racking my brain for the girls name.  Looking around the room for a clue, I see her purse a few feet away by the nightstand.  What ensues next is a race against the rising sun, as I try and reach the purse with my foot while simultaneously not jostling her into consciousness.  At last I succeed and quickly look at her ID and rest easy knowing her name, awaiting the time she would at last wake up.   When at last she did wake up, holding her aching head, it turned out she had no idea what my name was either.  I of course acted hurt and insulted...  
  Whenever I come across a post about someone banging their bf, I always assume a chick posted it.  I could care less what someone else does with their dick, but I'm  hetero, so everyone else is too, right?  Uh huh.  Sometimes I get a bit of a surprise at the end of the post.  Double the 'brow for me for being so sheltered.  
  to file under things to say to ex girlfriends that you didnt think of at the blowoff  whirl whirl your little narcissistic dance for no one will ever love you like you do all i ever remember to say is yeah yeah yeah whatever         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         im sitting here in my jeans and tee shirt, staring down at my newest edition of elle magazine  i seem to realize that everywoman in here has amazingly perky boobs,    i flip a few more pages and come across an article on breast pumps  so thats how they do it  their not perfect damnit, there goes my whole lifes philosophy...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have been chewing on the same straightened paper clip in my office for the past 4 months.  I think I digested all the flaky metallic paint.  
  Working at McDonalds as a teenager a lady pulls up to the drive-thru window and offers to give me a Valium if I throw an extra bag of fries in with her order.  Of course I took it  
  I'm educated. I'm well-read. I enjoy literature more than TV, video games and the movies combined.  Then how come, for the life of me, I can't seem to finish Catch-22?  Joseph Heller is laughing at me right now. Somewhere far, far away. With a pitchfork in his hand.  
  I do car stereo for a living. I have a ridiculously loud stereo in my show truck and I compete with it. My neighbors hate it whenever they see it pulled out of the garage.  I rarely drive it due to the fact it rides rough, it's bouncy, and it has no AC or heating.  The other night, it was nice out, so I decided to take it out for a nice little cruise. We go by all the local lowrider hangouts and check out some girls.  I was sitting at the stoplight when an older couple pulls up next to me. I had the stereo down real low, minding my own business. I overheard the husband tell his wife "they never play any good music in those car, just boom boom boom".   I drove to the nearest music store and bought "Barrry Manilow sings his greatest hits". I figured some old folks would love this.  I drive around some more, cruise some more and end up at another stoplight...next to an older couple.   I fire up the Manilow CD and let it rip. Over 7000 watts of Ol' Barry whining his ass off.  I learned 3 things that fateful night:  1. Barry Manilow is not a favorite among old folks.  2. People still glare at me and the truck.  3. Barry Manilow has no bass.  
  What most christians dont want to think about is the fact that Jesus Christ, was a dark skinned man. They also don't want to think about the fact that he was raised in the original "Ghetto".  Thats why when someone tries to help me find God, i say with ferver, "Jesus was a black dude."  
  8 or 10 years ago, we're on my bed, tv on, blankets covering us, my hand in her panties. my dad walks in, we freeze. (note: it took more self control than i have ever had to put forth to keep my finger, still on her clit, from moving) pops starts going on, blah blah blah about whatever normal stuff. i'm sweating, she's trying not to quiver. he turns to leave the room, i think, 'whew, we're cool' as he turns around and says, "by the way, i know where your hand is... have fun." but he freaked girl out so bad, i didn't. (have fun) (she left) (my dad rules in a very lowbrow kind of way)  
       It seems like there are some things you never truly believe are real until you have gotten a person who DOESN'T believe in those things to believe and understand.         This is especially true when the person you get to believe this fact is someone who is desperately in need of knowing that it IS true, even if up until the point that you assure the person it's true, even you yourself don't totally believe in it.      Their sudden understanding and belief and knowledge of the truth often shadow's YOUR sudden understanding and belief and knowledge of the truth, in that up until the moment you save the person from doing something horrible by getting them to understand what you are trying to say, you don't truly believe what you are saying yourself, and say it only because you believe it is the only way to get that person to stop what he or she is thinking or is about to do.  
  This is an actual email that my friend's professor sent out regarding a mysterious student.   "Subject: Who is Craven Moorehead?   Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2003 15:34:39 -0700  Hi guys. I was going through your attendance sheets and noticed that someone named "Craven Moorehead" signed in as being in our class on October 3rd.  Does anyone know who this person is? Thanks. Sandra"   -"Who is Craven Moorhead?"-  Fucking hilarious   
  I always clung to the notion that my mom was sort of intelligent. But one incident changed my mind. My mom and I were watching Indiana Jones, way back when it was in theaters. I'm enjoying it, and she's sort of watching it with this benign expression on her face, calmly taking in the explosions, chases, fights. About two thirds through the movie, she taps me on the shoulder, looking very perplexed, and says, "The things that happen in this movie just aren't believable."  
  I objected to having kids.  We had kids.  I objected to getting a dog.  We got a dog.  I objected to driving a mini-van.  We got a mini-van.  I'm going to start objecting to things I LIKE, and see if my life improves.  
  I actually sat for 2 hours last night debating whether or not 'cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com' is the same person as 'cheerleader@yercrotch.com'. I decided they must be evil twins.  ----------------------------------------  I don't know but i think he was a troll at isotopelounge.com     
  Why do people have to be so deluded as to be hypocritical about movies and the media not having an impact on our attitudes and views on life?  Don't know what I mean? Just ask yourself why practically every man - at least in theory - thinks he can, by driving an adequate vehicle, escape the police, or use a piece of complex weaponry, for that matter - while the same man, when making his first attempt, can't even do his own laundry correctly.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was so tired riding home, I couldn't wait to go to bed as soon as I got home, at midnight, my body ached. Now, I am sitting at my computer, in a Marilyn Monroe wig, I swiped from my grandmother, reading lowbrow till 3, remembering back to my other moment involving my mother and 178'er so oysters. Ahh, youth.  
   (Two separate moments here)   I apply to join the Edinburgh Police.  Get to the exam late.  Place full of  scary marginal-looking specimens.  I scan over the exam, and get puzzled.  I remember one sample:  "Cirrus hostess lake ...   Replace the wrong word in each of these sentences with the correct word from the above list.   1) A hostage is a woman who entertains people at parties.  2) A Syrian cloud floats in a thin layer, high up.  3) ..."  I finished the exam early, and went to give the sergeant my name, address etc.  He scans over my paper, asks how I thought I did.  I say: "I  thought  I did well..."  He: "Oh, you did.  How many do you think will pass?"  I look around. "17?"  He: "More like 3 -- this is their last stop before the enlist in the Army."  -------------   Months go by, I don't hear from them.  I drop in one day to find out what happened to my application.  Cop says results were sent out the next week.  He shows me the record, and I notice the address they sent it to is  not  one I gave them.  I didn't give them that address because it got busted just before I applied. Suspicious ...  Me: "What did the letter say?"  Cop: "Eh, rejected. Medical grounds"  Me: "What!?"  He looks at me, and asks: "Do you want to know what it says, or what it means?"  Me: "What it means."  He: "Long hair and bad company.  next! "     
  Yup.  Someone actualy asked me if I've ever visited lowbrow.  Seems they read there a lot. I asked them if they post often and they said no. That's when I left the conversation. Share with those who share.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         gad there really are some insecure and emotionally feeble people in this world who just never grow up and realize the fucking sun does not revolve around their lame assed lack of selves the twisted rule of karma is that they will wind up under a bus or naked and dead in the back of a senators limo with nipple tassles on  so i guess it all works out days like today i get tired of the wait      
  One night while out with my best friend\roomate and his father, we happend in to a local bar.  Not only were there 3 girls that I used to date, but 4.  Wanting to avoid each of them, my best friend\roomate made sure to go to each of them and tell them that I was in the joint.  1 was on her way out of the joint, but it sucked to see her with her new boy.  2 was a girl that I just didn't want to run into, because it was one of those times when you wished you hadn't done something in the first place.  3 was a complete tramp-and-a-half.  Complete with miniskirt and pantiless.  I was still kind of dating\seeing\sleeping with her.  4 was the worst.  The girl that really was a heartbreaker.  So, I make it past the first three, and move to the back of the bar where I listen to 4 go on and on about how good she is doing.  I fake it until she leaves my side.  Well, pre-4's-leaving - my best friend\roomate decideds that in his drunken state, it would be best to let 4 know that 3 (my psuedo girlfriend) was in the place as well.  4 is curious and asks my best friend\roomate to point her out.  He walks with her to the front of the bar.  Before he can point she says to him, "Just tell me it is not the pantiless girl in the pink."  My best friend\roomate then whisks 4 around and says, "ok, got to get back to the other side of the bar."  It was the girl in the pink.  After completing the obstacle course, the very wise father of my best friend\roomate looks at me and says, "Son, you look like you need a drink."  I went home with pink later that evening and consumed myself in her sex appeal.  What was I thinking?  Stay away from serial monogomists like me!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got fired today. CCTV camera made it look like I was pinching from the till. The reality of it (which they don't believe) is that I was scratching my arse..  I was fired for arse scratching. Bugger.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I walked past our local grocery store one night, I saw a woman run to a large SUV that stopped at a red light of a four-way intersection. She tried opening the door several times before the man reached across the inside and manually unlocked the door for her. She got in and they drove off. "That sucks that her husband's power locks are broken," I thought to myself.  Then I thought to myself again, "That dress seems a bit too tight to wear for grocery shopping." At that moment, a 14 year old local West Philadelphia girl walked past me and said to her younger siblings, "Ew! That lady's a prostitute!"  Standing there in front of that grocery store, it occured to me that in spite of going to college for 3 years in the big city, I'll still always be from the suburbs.  
  He left his cellphone lying on the table when he went to drunkenly piss. So I swiped it, set it on the loudest ring tone possible, and when we got him home, hid it in the ceiling tile over his bed. Then I called him repeatedly, beginning very early the next morning, while the hangover was fresh, until the battery died.  He said yesterday he had to quit drinking because it made his ears ring.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if you walked a mile in *my* shoes then both of us would have feet that smell like nachos.        
  My mom vehemently denies that she took me to see Night of the Living Dead when I was 4 or 5. I remember the little girl with the axe chopping someone up and the dead guy beating on the window with a rock. I hope I'm right and not her.  
  One time in high school, I came home pretty drunk.  My dad was still up watching SNL, so I wave goodnight quickly and head to my room, concentrating on nothing but not stumbling.  About fifteen minutes later, I'm in my pajamas, on my computer and my dad comes in.  He proceeds to tell me what a great daughter I am and how proud he is of me.  Really touching stuff. All I could think was "God I hope I don't look as drunk as I am..."  
  My favoritest girlfriend wrote me this poem once:  Roses are red,   Violets are blue,   I like drunk sex with you.   
  After 3 months away from a computer, I finally get back onto the internet. As I log on to AOL IM, 2 kids pop-up me..."Hey, your lowbrow posts are funny."   I surf over to lowbrow, and the first moment that comes up is one of mine.  Some days I think I haven't left anything behind...that there is no mark on the work that is uniquely mine...that maybe I haven't made a difference.   Then I remember lowbrow.   Oh well, if I have no better purpose in life than to make a group of anonymous internet users laugh, so be it.  
  Preparing to move, I was transferring my grown (and now absent) son's mementoes and art work from old, dilapitated boxes to new, sturdy boxes for storage in my new home.  I came upon pages and pages of his handwriting. Since I had already obtained permission from him regarding the filtering of trash from treasure, I read his words.  He is a digital art genius but I had no idea he could write graphic, hard-core porn.  I folded the pages as they had been and placed them between a notebook full of Dungeons and Dragons stories and his high school year book.  
  I knocked on her bedroom window and she let me in the back door.  She was pretty drunk and very depressed.  I tried to be the platonic friend that she wanted me to be, as she lay in my lap and I gently stroked her forehead to comfort her.  Before I knew it, we were kissing. Then off came her shirt.  The only thing that stopped us was 'that time of the month'.  By the next morning, I'm not sure who hated me more...her or me.  It was a pretty crass move.  
  Mooving my stuff to the basement with my dad because they are comming to put in new floor upstairs.  He opens the door to my CD tower and sees my foil, papers, baggies, cigar butts, lighter, carboard and filter paper.  He closes it and tells me to bring my can full of stolen plates to the basement.  What a guy!  
  There was this girl that I took to the prom six years ago.  Her older brother's friend used to hang around their house a lot. When it was just him and her in the room he used to say "Hey look at this" and get his knob out wave it at her.  He did this a good few times.  Yes I mean you Dave Natarro you fucking pervert  
  If you see that guy at the party who is drinking a zima or hard lemonade and defends his actions by saying, "It has the same amount of alcohol as a beer!" You have my permission to kick him in the nuts.  
  "We should get going," I said, trying to wipe the smell of sex off of my mouth.  She nodded, with an uncomfortable look in her eyes.  I smiled and said, "Look, he'll never know if we don't tell him."  A few hours later, I see her walking by with a panicked look on her face.  So, I ask, "What's wrong?" all the while knowing what happened.  "I told him everything," she replied with tears in her eyes. I nod solemnly, wondering to myself how I could cheat on him, with a good friend of his.  Then I realize I'd do it again.  I suppose that's what apathy and opportunity add up to.  
  I know Im way out of control....  I cannot stop having sex with him. I love his body...so nice and strong and hard. I am just so attracted to him...I havent felt a sexual attraction so someone this strong in a long time... I get worked up just thinking about him.  My husband is starting to get suspicious of my late hours..."with work friends" But I cant stop. I will not stop. I am going to continue to have sex with this guy.... I work with the object of my lust... The compnay holiday party should be really interesting.......   My life has turned into a bad soap opera.....  
  "did you see that guy checking out your ass in the video store?" he asked indignantly.  "that doesn't bother me," I said.  "that just means if things don't work out with you, I can go back and get his number."  
  I met him at a bonfire, we macked and did stuff and this was the first time i ever met the guy. He called me the next day and we talked. He then proceeded to tell me why he was still a virgin. He made it very clear that even though he was 16 he had his chances with women of all ages ( i guess he was trying to impress me). He said the reason was, because everytime he got extremely close to a girl like that he would tell her he didn't like her, or find out something that would make him wanna not talk to her and embarass her in front of the entire 3,650 people school body.  That moment today was when i realised that only the weird guys are attracted to me.   
  Many people smoke cigarettes, then weed, then harder drugs. I don't bother doing things halfway.  My first experience with controlled substances was Ecstasy, at Disneyland. We rode Space Mountain five times.  "It's a small world" was annoying, sober or not.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once during sex with my ex-husband, he pulled out to switch positions so I quickly stood up and started walking towards the bathroom.  "Where the Hell are you going?!" He called after me.  "Oh," I replied, in the most innocent voice I could muster. "Aren't you finished?"  "NO!" He said, rather frustrated.  Smirking, I smiled back at him. "Well, you are now!" and walked right out of the room.  
  "you know i've found that the more unusual a person tries to look, the less interesting they are to talk to"  "wow" i said "nice pants"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.  
  He swaggered up to me, a confident look in his eyes. "Hey, baby," he smiled. And that's when my night of drinking caught up with me.  All over his shoes.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Whatever you do don t let your Pyscho girlfriend get next to a BMW M5 with a handful of eggs on Halloween.  Yeah we were in a Honda, there was no getting away.  When we thought we had lost them we were wrong, they pulled up with a gun and fired 3 shots in the air.  After 4 hours of being chased we finally lost them.  I slept with my back to her that night.  
  She talks less to me than she does with her supposed worst enemy in the whole world- our assistant manager, who, for all intents and purposes, raped her at a party right after she got done puking her guts out.  (At least she didn't get a toothbrush shoved up her ass.)  She gives me all that info listed above (which I didn't care to hear, by the way) after I tell her about him bragging about shagging her and three of her friends. She tells me that she hates him with a passion and is a heartbreak away from killing the bastard (or at least quitting her job).  And all I can say to her before I leave is "Cheer up."  I really need to brush up on my communication skills.    
  He wore tiny, tinted glasses low on his nose. His ocean-waved hair was linty and in need of a new perm. He was missing a tooth, and licked his lips constantly. His track suit was faded at the knees. He held a folded up section of a newspaper. As the  engine roared and the bus lurched from side to side, he tried to sell me a fake ass gold chain. "No", I repeated..."No." I got watches" "No." "I got earrings, gold earrings, a pretty lady like you needs earrings" "No. I know you got a stamp and stamped 14k on those chains. That shit is hella fake."  He gave me a dirty look, mumbled something under his breath, and got up to go sit somewhere else. He licked his lips, patted his hair, and waited for the next gullible looking person to board the bus.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  i saw the following on a mini van in front of me this morning:  window sticker: Got Doula?  bumper sticker: Meconium Happens!  license plate: PSTPRTM  boy, i just can't put a finger on what's she's up to.  
  How many people can say they've handed off a 10x8 inch slab of beef jerkey to a truck driver while doing 75 on the freeway.  Didn't think so.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A not so sharp friend of mine used to work in a grocery store.  One day I was getting high with his roommate and we decided to sew one of those metal theft deterant tags to the inside of his work pants.  For about a month, the store manager strip searched him every time he tried to leave.  He won't hang out with us anymore.    
  Not my moment...  A friend of mine had this internet girlfriend who he flew in from Kansas for a month. One night after several bouts of fucking like rabbits, my friend came downstairs to get something to drink. His roommate asks, "How was it?"  My friend replies, "Alot like my hand, only looser."   
  Picture this....  Cook in a REALLY busy Mexican restaraunt on a Friday night....  Taken about a dozen bird eggs over the course of the evening to keep pace....  Stomach feels a little harsh, some milk will make the pain go away.....  Walk-in cooler with various open cartons (stupid waiters never use the same one).....  Big chug when sour milk and chunks fill mouth.....  What a fucking mess, damn, gotta get a mop in here.....  Shit, I need a bong hit....  
  i've always wanted a t-shirt with a picture of jesus on it, where underneath him it says "eat me".  
   Last night, in my dream, I dry humped the lowbrow artist Robert Williams.  It was one of those "coochy-cooty" moments (not to be confused with a Hallmark moment).       
  in the throes of passion with the girlfriend she's about to go down on me wait... she hesitates then spits her gum out on my chest and goes to town finishes, swallows,  and puts the gum back in her mouth  
       So here we are, my friend and I, sitting in gym class.  He turns to me and says "Man, I really have to take a shit."  So I laugh to myself at the thought of even taking a shit in school.  I reply "Go for it weirdo."       He returns about 10 minutes later with a strange look on his face.  I ask him what's up.  "Well, the fucking stall was out of toilet paper.  Luckily I found some though..."  I think nothing of it and continue to dick around in gym class.  Well, gym class ends and my class heads to the lockeroom to change clothes.  After changing I head into the bathroom to take a piss, only to discover that there is no toilet paper.  Before I get a chance to ask my friend what the hell he wiped with, someone comes running out of the showers screaming "There's a shirt with shit ALL over it in there!" I look at my friend and smile, "Oh sucky sucky, you owe me now bitch!"  
  I was out on a first date with a woman when she asked me if I found her attractive.  I said she was fine.  She told me that wasn't good enough and to just be honest.  I told her she was a two-drinker.  She asked what that meant and I said it means I'd have to have two drinks before hooking up with her.  I told her the average was four pints and a shot of Irish whiskey, so two is pretty good.  I got slapped.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have subscirptions to hundreds of magazines, from the sears catalog to scientific american.  i get at least one magazine every day of the year.  i find pictures of women in these magazines and cut out the crotches of their pictures.  i then glue them onto my wall and ceiling.  sometimes i draw attentative eyes over the pictures, maybe because i like to think of the women watching me approvingly as i whack it to their splits, but more probably because i like to pretend they're disapproving eyes attached to mouths with gags over them.  i wear jeans, sneakers, and uninteresting shirts.  i am 5'10'' and weigh 180 pounds.  aside from that half hour of each of my days, i lead a pretty normal life.  try to figure out who i am :)  
  Saturday night, 11pm.  Standing in the kitchen, in my underwear.  Munching cold pizza, sipping warm Gatorade.  Off to bed.    Yeah, don't stand next to my fire if you don't wanna get burned.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Dan's brother Daron is in town for the weekend so we decide to celebrate. To save money at the bar we get our buzz on by drinking a few beers and snorting a few valium before we go out. We pile in the car and are all ready to go, but Jen has forgotten something in the house. (Jen is Dan's gf and is our sober driver, btw). So we're sitting there waiting with this blue candy running down the backs of our throats, and Dan comes up with the bright idea of going back inside and snorting some more. We've each ingested 3 pills and are feeling just fine, but our decision-making skills are seriously impaired so Daron and I say "hey, great idea!"   The Bar:  We stumble in smiley, jokey, happy, and generally wasted. Sit down in a booth and order some drinks. First round comes, I take a sip but can't manage to put the glass down properly. Spilled beverage #1. Our waitress hears us laughing, comes over to clean up the mess, and shortly brings me another beer. 5 seconds later, spilled drink #2 and everything goes black.  I'm a lush. I've "blacked-out" before, but never like this. A whole portion of my memory was erased like it never existed. I can remember everything perfectly clear up until that point, but absolutely nothing afterward. Not even some faint foggy image. Just black.  Apparently we had a great time. We went upstairs and played some pool. Dan sent the cue ball flying into the band. The band wrote an impromptu song about Dan's pool-playing skills. We went home and made food and destroyed shit. We were wide awake and partying for 6 hours from my spilled drink on.  And nobody except Jen remembers what happened after spilled drink #2.  damn, sorry Jen.  
  i have been caught picking my nose by just about everyone in my office.  people walk by my office and i am just sitting there, one hand on the mouse and the other sticking fingers up my nose. i make feeble attempts to yank my digit out of there, but i am always a bit slow (engrossed in 'brow, probably)  i am not a "nose-picker!" i don't do it at home on the couch or in the car at stop-lights or alone in bed; in any of the other 'classic' spots.  it's just something about being at work that brings it on.  i'd like to think it is a physical expression of my disdain for my job, but it ain't like i am wiping the boogers on the company fax machine or anything.  i just flick them in the general direction of my garbage can.  
  After a nice first date, me and the girl were making out in the car. I suddenly pulled away and said "Oh man, the Simpsons are coming on soon."   Oddly enough, there were no further dates.   
  The fundamental problem with Western culture is that we are completely compartmentalized and disassociated from our true selves. For example, when I go to my sociology class I talk in great detail about fair trade, equal rights for women and minorities, housing for the poor, and other pressing social issues. Then on my way home, after buying coffee from Starbucks, I cuss out a few homeless people, before settling in to jerk off to some free downloaded black "hooker" porn. Ah, to be white and evil in America!  
  Every year my family has a Christmas party.  Every Year I have to go up and sit on santas lap in front of all my weird relatives while they take pictures.  Im fucking seventeen.  
  So I have been using Tom's of Maine toothpaste for years now.  It doesn't have sugar or anything like the normal crest/colgate toothpaste have.  I think it is better for me.  I pass out at my friends' house after they had a party and when I woke up I went to brush my teeth.  (no i didn't use their toothbrush, where I got the one i used escapes me)  They had some kind of Colgate baking soda whitening shit.  It tasted like pussy.  The next day I went over and used it again.  It still tasted like pussy.  Thinking it funny I mentioned it to them.  My first thought was that she had used it for a dildo.  I mentioned that too.  They don't buy that toothpaste anymore.  
  me:  could i get a number 2?  guy:  numba too? you wah add eh row foh nie nie cent?  me:  sure.  guy:  you wah sompy dring wih thah?  me:  no.  guy:  tank you suh  me:  thank you, buh bye.   
  my worst alcohol experience:  after a few martinis, a few cape cods, and a few mixed drinks of dubious character, i: a- told my best friend that i could steal her boyfriend, even though he was straight, in front of my boyfriend (at the time) b- french kissed a straight boy who was there, again, in front of my boyfriend c- explained the entire plot to "Run Lola Run" to everyone watching it twenties minutes in d- puked until i was dry heaving painfully e- woke up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor wrapped around (actually, hugging) the toilet. someone had used it while i was passed out below and didn't bother to flush; the water was mildly yellow  i now stop at one martini, and maybe a few beers  
  Any moment that takes place in either of the following...(or ALL of the following!)  But in no particular order:  1)  A bowling alley 2)  A Denny's 3)  A bus station 4)  A bus stop 5)  A bus 6)  A laundromat 7)  A cheap motel 8)  An arcade 9)  A liquor store 10) A check cashing place 11) Any fast food chicken restaurant 12) A swap meet.  Indoor OR Out.  My favorite ways to kill time are to hang out at the Nickel!Nickel! arcade, then meandor over to Rod's Liquor and play a rousing game of Ms. Pac Man, followed by lunch at El Pollo Loco, and maybe a drunken midnight snack at Denny's on El Toro with some friends.  At least I don't have to do the laundromat thing anymore though, now that I've moved into a place with an actual working washer and dryer.  I at least have that much going for me.    
  I started reading lowbrow about a year ago.  If it were a person, it would definitely be ranked as the 21st best person of all time.  Only beaten by a pope, a few world leaders, Abraham Lincoln, a couple of revolutionaries, and maybe that guy who played Pootie Tang.  
  i feel sorry for my sperm.  like a world war 1 battle they charge forward wave after wave swiming their little hearts out. giving it their all. but heading for the certain doom of the crusty old tissue. then finalyy they are buried in the bin.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Due to an incredible miscalculation, the truck hung some 7-8 feet up in the air. The perfect split second of weightlessness seeming to stretch forever.   Then gravity reasserted its hold on the vehicle and it's contents with a rather sickening crunch.  No broken bones though, and now I am a GOD to those who witnessed it...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         WENDY'S MOMENT #1       So I'm sitting in Wendy's with my bf and the guy who lives next door, and he starts this story about a roommate he had.       He starts "I had this roommate once, and he always had a can of hairspray on his desk, and he had no hair.  So I'm wondering why he has hairspray?  I soon found out.     So I'm sitting on the other sid of the room and all of a sudden I hear a loud static sound.  I turn around and the wall is black!  He pulled a lighter out of thin air and starts another fire stream at the desk!  It turns out he had ants in his IMac. Now that's one of those what do you call them?  Lowbrow moments."      Hmm, lots of tiny bugs in a Mac.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have this recurring lucid dream  where I'm checking my email and  I have all these message from my cat  analyzing my life  smug little fuck   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         President George Dubya, on his first official trip abroad, was riding with Queen Elizabeth II in her state carriage when one of the horses  saturated the air with about 100 litres of warm, rancid, hay-smelling fart.  After a few moments of tense silence, the Queen turned spoke:  Q: "My apologies, Mr. President, but there are some things that even a queen has no control over."  W: "That's OK, Lizzie -- if you hadn't said anything, I'd a thought it was one of the horses."  
  From the information I've gleaned from the other attendees at my bachelor party, after my early exit (passed out from drunkenness), the stripper was adept at picking dollar bills out from between a guy's teeth with her, er, nether region!  One guy, who was obviously hard up, folded up his bill to about the size of a dime, then as she proceeded to squat over him to retrieve her bonus, he got hisself a little taste of, well, y'know!   Funny thing, the wife worked at a doctor's office shortly afterward, and she saw the aforementioned stripper in there one day.  She asked the nurse what she was in for.  Come to find out she had some, er, feminine problems.  An infection.  When the doctor started poking around in there, he retrieved a $20 bill!  It looked like it had been in there for a while!  
  "What site is that?" "It's called Lowbrow.com." "What's it for?" "It's for people who don't go around peering at other people's monitors. And who hate you. That's what."  
  This evening I was in the cafeteria and there was a movie playing on the TV. It was some sci-fi thing about giant insects. I spent a good fifteen minutes watching people pound giant bugs into mush.   There's just some things you shouldn't watch while eating a hot dog.   
  accuracy suspect but what the hell i heard of a native saying that went something like this if you are having nightmares about falling and wake up as you fall you will never fly  green eggs and ham the last part i added sorry        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Block option on email makes me feel vaguely godlike, and I block like there's no tomorrow. Then I notice I get nothing and feel lonely. So I unblocked them all.  I guess panty sniffer porn spam is better than no love at all.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com     I love this person....We should all be so lucky to meet her.   Much Love Cheerleader....I cherish the love i feel by the penis enlargment cream e-mails I recieve  
  To day is my birthday.  Also today, I got the shits.  I woke up at about 2 am with the simulanteous thoughts, "I'm 30" and "I'm gonna shit myself."    I made it to the toilet, but I'm still 30.  
  I just got back from a camping trip and this thought came to my mind: why can't pussy taste like black peppered beef jerky? I love going down on a girl, but i'd be out of control if that were the case. mmm, black peppered beef jerky... sorry, just a random thought.  
  quote  and i will duct tape a porkapine to a telephone pole and beat you within a telephone pole of your very life endquote        
  I have two teenage boys:  young , strong, aggressive.  Naturally when they decided to play a sport they chose hockey.  The perfect testoterone fueled game for releasing that never-yet-been-fucked male energy.  They ended up on the same team together.  They couldn't say a civil word to each other at home but on the ice they were a matched set working in perfect concert through telepathic utterances and the subtlest of body language.  I watched from the sidelines.  Alternating between cringing at the violence directed at my boys and clapping and screaming vigorously as they ripped some other players' heads off.  I had a horrible dilemma though as I struggled to cheer my sons on.  I couldn't spit out both their names fast enough to suit my needs so I combined them together and yelled "Go White boys!"  Oops.  That didn't sound good.  I got angry stares.  Can I help it if my last name is White?  Okay Okay.  I tried again.  "Go White brothers!"  Fuck! Another blunder.  "Go Whites!"  Shit.  I had to sit down before I got MY ass kicked.   
  Praying is great.  Just don't let anyone know that you heard a response unless you wanna end up full of thorazine.  
  In elementary school, I was so happy with dividers for urinals..  so .. private.       in middle school I was all "wtf!?!"  what if some bastard peeps at my winker?  but now I dont give a fuck.  I'll dickslap that fucknut.  yeah fuck you too.  
  we are driving towards the beach talking about nothing and at my feet i find a block of cream cheese that must have fell out of my friends shopping bag days ago. it was soft and mushy from the heat...2 little kids riding there bikes along side of the road...i think to myself "there is no way i will hit these kids so chuck it anyway" i launch the missile point blank into forehead...looked like a can of white paint exploded....been paying dues ever since  
  She was asking me some question to obtain my advice. "When you were married to your last husband, did you..."  I interrupted her and said, "I've only had one husband. You're getting him confused with all of my ex fianc s."  
  Working the 4 to midnight shift at a 24-hour gas station.  Around 11:30, some guy comes in and buys a little 3-pack of condoms.    I reflect that, in 8 months of working there, he's the first person to have bought them (I always figured our manager ordered them by mistake).  He heads back out to his truck and leaves.  I observe that there's a girl in the front seat.  I wonder if she knows what he just bought...  30 minutes later, the midnight guy comes in to start his shift.  He asks if I know who's truck is parked in the lot behind the booth.  I look out, and realize it's the truck that belongs to the guy that bought the condoms.  Apparently, he never left the station.  As we're watching, we see the window roll down on the driver's side.  We see the EMPTY condom box be thrown from the cab.  The window rolls up, and the truck drives out of the station.  They only come out at night, I swear...  
   July 1st, 1987. Canada Day. OTTawa, Ontario. A city with a population of only 300,000 people on sunnyday is filled with 1,000,000 tourist in the downtown core, which only spans 4km squared, for one single day/night.  An aquaintence of mine shares an intresting experience he had no less than 3hrs ago in broad daylight.  He and his girlfriend were approached by a middle aged, well dressed, groomed and rather runofthemill governement worker who propositioned them, not for sex in particular, but for their role in a peculiar fetish.  He gave each crisp 100 dollar bills to sit in the back seat of his car and simply take their off their shoes, socks and stick their feet in his face while he jacked off in the front seat.  A little taken back, they agreed..$200 for 7 1/2 minutes isn't bad.. keep in mind this is at 1:00 in the afternoon, sweltering heat, parked in an alley while 1.5 million people wander outside around them.   These are the people trusted to count our money, figure our taxes, perserve our environment, make laws and allow a normal standard of life to be in check.  Ahh well, Ottawa, at that time, also had the largest gay community and highest AIDs rate per capita in the nation. All to service these strung out pencil pushers.  
   Marry Me, LMAO  She mailed me about Thai soup recipes. Here's her response when I sent her some:  Good God, man, marry me LMAO  My response: Interesting. I'm being propositioned with an unknown acronym. LMAO ... let me see ... " Marry me, and Lay Me At the Oltar? " No -- EVERY woman knows how to spell altar. " Marry me, Lick Me And Others? " No -- most women are more possessive than that. (I'm spending so much time on this that you already know I'm going to post it.) " Marry me,  and Lobotomize My Ass O? " Doubt it. Also, not quite my cup of tea. I got it! " Marry me, and Leave Me AlOne! " No thanks. Been there, done that, twice... She:  Be sure, when you post, to add that i peed myself laughing at your replies. "Marry me, Leave Money Around, Ok?"   Oh no -- not another one with poor bladder control...  
  During college I had a brief job working at an office supply. I don't really know why I worked there, especially since my ex-girlfriend had gotten me the job. To make matters worse, her current bf (now husband) was my boss.   One nite me and him are doing inventory for the store, and he pulls me asided and asks if he can ask me a serious question. I knew it had to be about her, so I said sure. He wanted to know if we had ever had sex. Apparently she had told him that we had fooled around, but that was it.  Well, this girl had been my first love. I felt hurt that she had lied about the love we had shared. At the same time I didn't want to hurt her chances with her current bf.  My only reply was, "Does she still not like it doggy style?"  
  If someone ever asks you something like, "Shit, how long have you been standing there??" then make one of those all-knowing faces and say, "Long enough, long enough..." and then you will usually find out some really fascinating shit.  
  "Better inbred than dead"        
  "Merry Christmas!" Mom drunkenly slurred as she chugged down another cold one.   I grabbed my stocking from the fireplace and poured out the 27-pack of condoms.                   Thanks mom  
  Riding in the car with my friend and his girlfriend, the girlfriend behind the wheel, all our windows down, we passed through and area of town where there is a plant that smells like semen.  All of a sudden, the girlfriend exclaims "Wow, it smells like semen!"  I shot her a blank stare.  "Well, it smells like what I've been told it smells like."  A) She maintains, to this day, her virginity, which is a boldface lie.  B)Semen has a unique smell, that can't be compared to anything, thus you can't be "told" how it smells, you must experience it first-hand.  I hate my friends.  
  overanalysis if you use foul language then you set up a power differential by which you believe that you can curse and swear but the other person cannot this sets up a situation whereby you have more power and authority that the other person and demeans the other person into a submissive and subordinate position thereby eroding their self esteem and ability to be in control of their own life fuck that if you feel like verbally venting give it a rip no you wont be selected for miss congeniality but at least you wont repress that shit blow a fuse one day and spray a mcdonalds full of school kids with a nine mm  cos your coffees too hot  oh i get it youre better than me cos you dont swear  well einstein isnt that setting up a power differential whereby blahblahblah two faced hypocritical motherfucker         
  my favorite post-date activity is clearing my bowels of all the gas that had to be held because i was in the presence of my girlfriend.  it sometimes sounds like a jet engine, its fun.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last June, camping at Kern River/Lake Isabella area with my uncle.  We drive up into Sequoia Natl.' Forest for a cool camp site after morning kayaking.  We find a good one at about lunch time.  My uncle (he's 79) wants me to to take a picture of him walking on a log that crosses the creek to prove to his wife he can "still do things".  Half way across, he falls in the creek. Totally soaked. He proceeds to take off all his clothes and lay them out in the sun to dry.  So my 79 years old uncle is walking around stark naked in the woods for over a half hour. Then I realize it's my birthday.  Certainly wasn't the gift I hoped for.  
  Why do the guys that come over to my house at 3 in the morning never seem to have mufflers?  It seems as if my neighbors already didn't get enough info about my whoreness with all the traffic in and out...my fuck meat also likes notify them with their piece of shit cars, just in case one of them slept through the loud screams and moans coming from inside. Then I wonder, what if you can get kicked out of apartments due to being a whore? Now THAT would sure be low something.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have an autographed picture of martha reeves (martha and the vandellas) hanging on my corkboard, some guy looks at it and says who is martha reeves, i mentioned a couple of songs. still no clue i pity the soulless  
  so finally i found out that when she said "the club," she didn't mean some ultra-hip place.  "the club" is a sleazy wharehouse where would-be goths clunk around in their chains and dogpile pants to remixes of depeche mode.  poor jess.  
  3AM - half a bottle of Jack Daniels gone - channel surfing - infomercials - Beverly Hillbillies - stop on a movie called Never Ending Story "part 2" - thought what the fuck if the story never ends why do you need a part 2?  
  Today at work I had a most aggressive shit.  When I stood up to flush, I noticed that the shit was horse-shoe shaped.  Did it evacuate my bowels so quickly that it kept the shape it had inside me?  Was it a lucky shit?  I couldn't come up with an answer, so I left it in the bowl.  Maybe one of my co-workers can figure it out.  
  sex, they say, is worth the wait. don't loose your virginity now, they say. you have plenty of life to live in front of you.  in my case, the wait involved was the time it took for my parents to leave the house for a day, and yes... it was worth it.  
  people always think i am smart. i dont know why they just always have presumed i am smart. so in order not to disapoint them i devise little set ups.  i bought a rubix cube which is identicle to the one my friend bought me "caus i am so damm smart" so in front of him i pretend to by working the cube up he gave me. when he turns away i swithced with the brand new rubix cube which comes with all the colers in the right order. he was so impressed. i pulled this on some chick i was showing off to and she thaught i was a genius. once a little set up i planned back fired. i arranged for me and some mates to accidently "lock" ourself in my garage.  they are all getting shitty as we will miss the party. i say dont worry i will pick the lock and i take a saftey pin from the back of a girls badge which she had on her bag. little did they know the door wasent locked you just had to fiddle with the handel a bit to make it work.  thats right you guessed it i aidentaly did lock all 4 of us in my parents garage. we where stuck in there for 6 hours till my parents got home at 12. and i had to piss so badly all i could de was sit and cross my legs.   
  I once met a girl who tasted her own shit. As soon as I freaked out about this she came up with her excuse: "I wasn't feeling myself." Yeah, no shit.  
  12 years old. Christmas time. I was really into Starwars. I was hoping against hope I'd get one of those cool spaceships or a bunch of action figures.  Under the tree sat an interesting looking box. About 2 1/2 feet long, 6" wide, 6" deep. My anticipation grew and grew until the fateful day.   I tore open the paper and box to find.....  a toilet plunger with jewels glued all over the handle. My parents howling with laughter.   I don't remember much after that.   
    Land Of The Free Home Of The Wal-Mart  (Subtitle: Feeding George Carlin Into Wal-Mart's Search Engine For Shits And Giggles)  (If you don't know who Eric Burdon is/was, then you are having a lowbrow moment of your own right now.)  I was looking him up on Amazon.co.uk (the British site), and to my surprise, he's still releasing albums!  Confirming how common that surprise is, one of his latest albums is titled: " Fuck Me I Thought He Was Dead ."  After I stopped laughing, I went to Amazon.com to buy it. But a search for that title yielded nothing.  Damn, I thought -- I'll have to buy it from the British site (or, more realistically, just crank up Grokster), but I did another search, this time for "Eric Burdon," which yielded 26 hits, including a recent album titled: "I Thought He Was Dead."  Typical prissy American Bowdlerization, I thought, but when I looked at the album cover, I noticed the  real  tile on both sides of the pond is: "F#ck Me I Thought He Was Dead."  So it's just Amazon.com being prissy, even though Mr. Bezos has criticized Wal-Mart's censorship policy.  Just to see if this was a evenly-applied site-wide policy, I did a search for just "fuck," which (surprise, surprise) came back with 86 hits. Some of my favourites: "Cupid's Cactus" by Fuck "Fuck Me Stupid" by the Raunch Hands "Fuck Pussy Galore And All Her Friends" by Unrest. and "Fuck All Y'All" by Gansta The Comrad.   That last one actually has an "Explicit Lyrics!" warning on it :-)  My favourite, however, and one that I might have to give a listen to, is Chaotic Dischord's "Fuck Religion Fuck Politics Fuck The Lot Of You."  Just for fun, I switched over to walmart.com and searched for "Fuck," but Sammy our self-appointed saviour is running a different world over there:  "No Exact Matches Found ! Here are some Close Matches for 'Fuck' "Disney's Donald Duck Advance Game" ... and so on.  However, he can't be aware of George Carlin's definitive list, i.e: "Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits." Results are:  Shit: "Rebel Sound Of Shit & Failure"  Piss: "Star Wars Episode II" (Sheesh! I didn't know Sammy was a critic! And a good one, too...)  Cunt: Porter-Cable Cutout Tool (Ouch, you mysoginistic bastard! It even has an "adjustable depth-guide shoe, dust shield for operator comfort and safety")  Cocksucker: "Go Big Red: The Ultimate Fan's Guide to Nebraska Cornhusker Football" (What do you think of  that , Mr. Osborne? Enough to get you out of retirement?)  Motherfucker: "Everquest Player's Guide: Prima's Official Strategy Guide" (???)  Tits: "Tit for Tat: The Conspiracy to Abolish the Death Penalty"   
  I know a girl (shes only 18 after all) who is waiting for her boyfriend (age 32) to get out of jail after being convicted for his involvement with child-pornography.  There is another woman I know who is waiting for the man who doused her in gasoline and set her on fire to be released, because she is sure that they can work it out.  Hell, even Hitler had a girlfriend.  -Signed, The Nice, Considerate Single Guy  
  we were all completely blasted and mellowing out.  I guessed it was time to get out the nurses uniforms and a big box of super-heavy tampons. In the morning I awoke to a cracking hangover and the floor littered with tampon detritus.  There was a knock at the door.  It was my mother on a surprise visit to help tidy my pad. The End  
  When I was a kid I thought my little sister talked too much, so I superglued her lips together. Dad had to unglue them with paint thinner. He showed great restraint in not beating me senseless.        
  Fun at Northern Michigan University:  Peeing on a cafeteria tray Letting it freeze outside Slipping it under a dorm room door To thaw And leave a distinct odor in the room  
  It's kind of hard to decline sharing a woman's toothbrush once she's had her tongue up your ass.  
  I've been reading this site for about 10 minutes now, and I've counted 8 mesasges with "blue balls" in them.  I was reading this site yesterday for hours, and it never popped up once.  Is that a lowbrow moment?  
  i went to the doc and had a pap smear. big deal. months later the office calls back and says they need a re-do. ok fine i go in and find out that they need border cells from the border of the uterus and vagina (the cervix) but apperently my "border cells" start further in. so im a mutant YAY!!!   so how many male lowbrow readers are STILL reading this? how many have STOPPED masturbating. how many kept on? eww hahaha  i love you sickos out there  
  Not my lowbrow moment, but a STATE lowbrow moment....  At the Iowa State Fair (there's the problem right there), yelled the loudest her white-trash voice could get, for God and all of Iowa to hear...(of course, in a thick white-trailer-trash-Nascar-lovin'-mullet-wearin'-mustard-stained-Oprah-lovin'-spandex-wearin' accent)  "STOP LOOKIN' AT HER WITH LUST IN YER EYES!"   It was like something out of a poorly written (and acted) day-time talk show.  The sooner I get out of this podunk little state, the better.  I only fear Iowa's rubbing off on me...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why is Trash only white?   
  We played a game in Government class.  We all put our chairs in a big circle...all but one.  The one chairless person stood in the middle of the circle and told the class something they have done.  If some one else had done it, they stood up.  Then all the people standing would try to sit down.  Whomever was left standing had to tell the class one thing that they had done...etc...etc...  No one stood up when I said that I had gotten extremely drunk about 30 minutes before a state final exam...  
  Three generations of white trash board the plane.  The grandmother, who can't be much over forty, already has the tired, wrinkled look of an old woman.  The mother, who can't be much over twenty, has already seen her share of trouble.  The son, who can't be much over five, is the most hyperactive child I have ever seen. Their seats are separated, two together and one apart.  It is decided that grandma will sit with the boy, while mom sits elsewhere.  Grandma tries in vain to calm the boy, who is literally bouncing off the walls. Soon after takeoff, the drink cart rolls by.  A coke for the boy, which is promptly spilled.  Grandma doesn t respond right away; her gaze is fixed on her tiny bottle of Jack Daniels.  Sitting beside her grandson who is throwing a fit amidst a puddle of coke, two thoughts cross the grandmother s mind:  What have I let my life become?  and  Come on, Jack.  Get me through this one more time.   
  so i've got a crush on this guy, and my way of dealing with the fact that he doesn't particularly show any interest is to think of just how much i would let him talk me into doing.  as it turns out, in theory, i'm pretty sexually permissive.  i'll bet if he knew what i was thinking, he'd sit up and take a bit more notice.  
  In space no-one can hear you scream!  In space no-one is listening anyway.       
  Jump up.   Your legs stay straight, don't they? Unless your Kaylynn, in which case they would bend naturally at the knee and ankle when you jumped straight up.  Bottom line: you'd look like a god forsaken barbie doll.  And she did.  In her hot pink fleece top and shiny spandex capris, and her hair all neatly put up.   And here she was, leading us in a warm up involving jumps, and looking like the sissiest thing you could imaging with those pathetic jumps. And varsity, who hated her to begin with, laughed at us.  The people she was leading.  But we still had to follow her. God forbid she pop the air balloon in her head for a while, stop begging for attention, and get something done seriously.   At least consider our reputation.       
  I was at the mall one time buying new underwear or something when i saw this hispanic girl, probably 15 with a large upper body and limp lifeless legs and feet in a wheelchair with two hoochy looking friends of hers about the same age. as i approached, the wheelchair girl says "are you ready?" and the two girls jump on the back of the wheelchair and the girl pushes her little speed joystick to full throttle and they all begin yelling "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?" and bark as they soar past me toward the Old Navy. I was really really disturbed.   
  9 out of ten lowbrow scientists agree that you do not need to go sleep and you should keep reading moments.        
  I met some guy who worked at the local movie theater.  He was ugly but I didn't care, not at all.  So I took him back to my car to fuck but he couldn't get it up.  He apologized... There's nothing worse for your ego than an butt ugly guy that's not attracted to you enough to fuck you...  
  Hmmmph.  My girl fingered my prostate until I stopped breathing the other day.  When I finally came, it filled the condom.  I wonder if she'll let me blow it on her tits?  
  I'm an atheist, but my family asked me to go to church with them last Christamas Eve.  At the the front doors, the Pastor and his family were greeing everyone.   There was a handicapped van parked right in front, and as I walked by a big dog jumped up to the window and startled me.  I yelled "Jesus Fucking Christ!" right in front of the Pastor's family and mine.  It was a nice service.        
  see, i remember the first time i ever fucked Sandy (i came four times in two hours, and had NEVER tasted anyone so sweet) and while we laid there in her huge bed talking at 3 in the morning, I started falling in love.  She reached over and grabbed her phone, saying, "Hey, i'm gonna text my buddy John." message reads: 'hey john boy, wuts up? wanna play with my pussy?'  so queasily satisfying, three years later, when she's on her knees sobbing, begging me not to move out because she loves me and wants me, and i say 'you make me fucking sick'  
  So my friends and I are having a little snack in our schools food court a.k.a. the Willy C.   When someone decided their WILLY needed some pleasure. My friend looked over and saw this girl jerking a guy off through his pants... the only thing partially hiding them is this pole. So we wait until they're done "doing their business" and clap and cheer and my friend shouts ENCORE! And the only thing the girl does is shrug her shoulders...  The booths next to the vending machines are OFF LIMITS now!!  
  I've masturbated in the jack-stalls in the back of porno stores.  Several times.  I'm a normal college kid and if I ever told my friends that, they probably wouldn't believe me.  
  Saturday morning, hung over, hungry. My mind drifts back to another time, with a different girl, at a different abortion clinic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Standing at my register waiting to check out the next customer, I hear the assistant manager and the check out supervisor snickering.  I look up and much to my horror there is some god awful pervert standing by the door staring at me and playing a game of "pocket pool", know what I mean?  I turned beet red and asked to go on break.  This was not one of my shinig moments.  
  we were celebrating my friends birthday, we had done quite a pub crawl, and he was completely trashed, our last bar of the night was half empty, he sat at a table with his forehead plastered to the surface, noticing he wasn't doing so well, i grabbed him and took him to the bathroom to see if he'd puke his guts out, he stood at the urinal and looked at me..."no..no...i don't have to puke, i'll be alright", "geezus man, you don't look so good, puke and you'll feel better, just do it here!", "no, no, i'll be fine", so, going against my advice, he stumbled back into the bar, we sat down, he resumed his position on the table and i continued drinking, shortly afterward, we look over and he's puking all over the bar floor, the bouncer notices and says "get your friend the FUCK out of here...NOW!!!", my response..."he's not with me...he's with those guys!"  
  i went to target today after the gym and before work to grab a few items. as i was checking out, i noticed this seemingly normal looking lady in front of me. her cart contained  only  the following items:  target brand KY lube target brand laxative bottle of metabolife - diet pills a big grab of peanuts  i changed lanes because the peanuts confussed me.  
  I was having sex with my future (and now former) wife in the bathroom of my hospital room on a locked mental ward. I heard the nurse showing my mom in for visiting hours. "He must be in a session," the nurse said. "I'll wait here," my mom said.  
  Part 1. I'm 17 years old. My girlfriend at the time finally wants to have sex for the first time in our so far 3 month long relationship. She stays the night, I can't stop coughing from my stupid cold. I take some Nyquil. Too much Nyquil. I pass out. Girlfriend was pretty mad at me.  My thoughts at the time - "Damn you Nyquil."  Part 2. Girlfriend goes to work next day. Her friend calls me asking if I slept with her. I said "Nunya". She says "I hope you didn't because your g/f cheated on you with some loser guy and now she's pregnant and wants you to think that your the daddy".  My thoughts at the time - "Thank god for Nyquil".  "Nyquil: the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever so you can rest and not have illegitimate children medicine"  
  When I was a kid and my ears got clogged up with earwax, my mom would have me lie on my side. She would pour some hydrogen peroxide in my ear, let it sit for a little while, then I'd turn back and earwax would come right out onto a little cotton ball she had.  The hydrogen peroxide in my ear was cool...it was like having pop rocks in your brain.  
  I put deodorant on before I go to sleep.  
  A "freind" was in town over the weekend.  my girlfreind and i picked him up from the airport, brought him to our place.  he immediately left after securing a key from my girlfreind.  didn't say where he was going.  the next morning, i found him asleep on my couch.  he roused himself and groggily requested coffe.  being the good host, i brought it.  he made a phone call, had another freind come by the house.  it was richard, a great guy if ever there was one.  they started to leave and richard asked "havn't you invited Gary and Donna?"  to which marty answered "uh...you guys want to go to this barbeque?"  i grimaced and looked at my girlfreind.  she seemed sold on the idea.  i said we'd follow.  the bought beer, we made the potato salad, and we all got in our cars and got going.  about half way there, a pulled a hard right turn and took the long way back home.  my girlfreind knew why i was pissed, and said nothing.  ten minutes after we got back, marty shows up looking for the goddamned potato salad.  i handed it to him and proceded to kick his ass.  i broke his nose, his left cheek bone, 3 teeth, and dislocated his jaw.  then i kicked him down my drive way and dumped the remains of the potato salad on him.   lesson: don't use people.  eventually, you will reap what you have sown.        
  You ever get a blowjob from a women (or guy, if that's your thing) with a mouthfull of Pop Rocks?  It's not as fun as you think it would be.  Matter of fact, you can't even feel it.  :(  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so im finishing off the last of a joint and the guys im with light up their cigs. they ask if i want one cuz apparently an after weed cig is great. "no thanks i dont smoke" i say as i exhale a small cloud of smoke in their direction.  
  one time i was at some restroom taking about to take a piss, my friend at the urinal next to me. I unzip my pants and try to find that slit in my boxers. "Now where is it?" I wondered aloud. We both laughed for like 10 minutes.   
  *QUOTE*  Another reaction to a post...  Just read how someone not only takes offense at Starbucks, but at JambaJuice and WorldWraps as well... something about neighborhood infections.   Personally, I frequent Starbucks rather than the quaint little neighborhood coffee house. It has the same prices, same beverages, and at least Starbucks isn't full of psuedo-ansgty wannabe poets scribbling away and dropping ashes all over the place.   Coffee without the artsy pretensions and health code violations... yeah, gimme my Frappacino.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   *ENDQUOTE*  Ok, but just know that I spit in your damn Frappuccino every chance I get just for being the piece-of-shit Starbucks-goer that you are.  That would be about 3/4 of all you who go there.  I swear to God, people, one day you will either learn, or continue to drink my bodily fluids.    
  I'm the one who keeps stealing your lunch from the breakroom fridge.  Next time, don't put so much mayo on the ham 'n cheese sandwich.  Oh, and thanks for the Grasshoppers... a nice minty surprise.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Smokers don't hate everyone. Smokers are cool. We don't go around trying to get non smokers to smoke. We don't give a rip whether you smoke or not.  However, if you are a fat person and you tell me, as you eat your second helping of lunch after you have ridden the elevator up one floor after you have parked in a handicapped space so you wouldn't have to walk very far -   that I am ruining my health by smoking...  as I watch what I eat and am slender, use the stairs always, take advantage of the walk from the parking lot to where ever, and do not need any kind of meds for adult Diabetes -  You'd best be prepared for a very hostile reply.  
  I've noticed that only ostentatious jackasses use the word ostentatious.  
   LowBrow Elephants  I rarely listen to PBS radio these days, because they have far too many "support announcements" that are in reality just snooty advertisments. Also, they are not usually a good source of LowBrow moments. But today they were talking about how elephants were once considered to be  Weapons of Mass Destruction. They weren't used for long, because they were too unpredictable. They were known as "the enemy of both of us" because injured elephants would often stampede over their own army. Seemingly, another thing that made them unpredictable is that elephants like to make plum wine and get sodding drunk. They look for plum trees, swallow a hundred pounds or so, and then let the plums ferment in their stomach.  The guy being interviewed was then asked if he thought drunk elephants saw pink humans...  
        I never really understood that scene in American Pie until I made my first sock puppet. It was a she!  
  Nine weeks in the hospital, two of which are spent in the ICU, much of which you spend drugged up majorly, most of which you can only remember in the form of a hallucinogenic haze, all told the whole package somehow saves your miserable worthless life:  $250,000  Living with the shitty (in all senses of the word) bag that now collects all your shit from the hole in your abdomen which you crap out of for 3 years until you get an internal pouch hooked back up to your ass:  $4,000  All the scars and other fucked up shit you now have to draw on for insight for the rest of your life: priceless.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just walked out of the bathroom; saw a guy brushing his teeth while he was taking a wizz in the urinal.  There is something fundamentally wrong with that.  
  Christmas party at the bosses house.   Everyone suspects that him and the other manager are fucking. She is very cute, very sexy, a Slovakian girl with a beautiful body and delicate lisp. I spend the party feeling her ass, reaching her cunt through the spandex, from the rear, every chance I get.   At one point,  I even call the boss over, and ask, "Doesn't Sxxxxx have the nicest ass?"   Everyone is too drunk to be offended, but I'm dead sober and completely serious.  
  Never underestimate the benifit of an asian dentist with small hands. Particularly when you get all 4 wisdom teath pulled and 13 fillings done in one month.  
  when i first learned how close a woman's ass hole is to her vagina, i was pretty pissed. then one night i fucked it. i don't know whose anatomical engineering idea that was, but i owe them a big thank you.  
  One day I complained to my father about being sick, which prompted one of his home remedies that my mother is deathly afraid of.  His solution to my cold was to drink a cup of Robitussen with a Nyquil chaser.   Boy, it knocked the shit out of whatever was in me... but I could not think straght for the following two days.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I visted my grandma when I was twelve. I began to sit on her couch and she let out a scream "Don't sit there!"   I tried not to but she'd caught me at the wrong moment. I was too far crouching and gravity made it impossible for me to stand. So I sat.  When I plopped down on the couch I heard a sickening "squish" under my butt and felt the repulsive coolness of some strange liquid saturating my pants, legs and back.  My near-elderly uncle, who lived with my grandmother, was responsible for the strange moisture. Apparently, Grandma explained as I sat  in horror, my uncle had the habit of passing out on the couch after one of his numerous drinking binges.  During the night he almost always pisses himself soaking the couch with his drunkard's urine. Now I sat in the middle of my uncle's creation, his product fully soaking my clothing.  I was only twelve, but I truly hated my family.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Whenever I start submitting lowbrow moments, I go on a rampage, and wind up writing for hours.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcholic Moments  Henry arrives back at the hotel after having to scuba diving at 6 am following being drunk for two days straight. He walks into his room to find Martina and I napping in the two beds. We wake up, ask him how scuba diving went. "Do you have any idea what it's like to need to throw up underwater?" Poor Henry. No more Rum & Punches for you.  
  I woke up to find a scrawled message on my door -- was he drunk, or does he always write like he's in kindergarten?  An invitation.    I've been getting a number of those lately.  Unfortunately, most of them have been flattering yet dubious.        
   Weird Things To Buy On E-Bay #1: Hi-Fi speakers  They were made by Celestion, one of the best British manufacturers, and with my eyes closed, they sound wonderful. They were an incredible bargain, $250 delivered, though the list price was $900. With my eyes open, though, they looked hideous, in King Of The Dorm style -- tall square black towers with plastic bass ports. So I wrapped them completely in gray acoustic cloth. Still wondering where the LowBrow moment is? I recently added more decoration to them, combining my love of Hi-Fi with my childhood love of building model aeroplanes. Each one now has a Boeing 767 impaled in it. Most of my guests agree that my sense of humour has gone overboard...  
  I've jerked off watching Star Trek... that's all you really need to know.  You don't get much lower than that.  
  Jesus, I could really go for a McDonald's cheeseburger right now.  I could make a bigger, better burger myself that wouldn't make me feel like shit later -and I even have the shit to do so. But Jesus, I could really go for a McDonald's cheeseburger right about now.  What do they put in them things anyway?  
  I have 2 chairs in my room. One has a comfortable cushion on it. The other has a leather seat thing. The one with the leather makes a really odd smell both in my entire room, and on my ass. I guess the constant ass heat makes some wierd smell. A smell that sticks with me for hours. The upside to the leather one is i can slide my keyboard tray over it, with the cushioned one the keyboard is far away. I figure, im rarely out of the house, so who cares if my ass has some incredible stench coming off of it.  
  When I was 11 years old I went to the fridge to get a drink of milk.  I pulled out the carton of milk and took a great big gulp of it's bone-building goodness.  It wasn't milk.  It was buttermilk.  Words cannot dscribe the horror that flashed through my mind as those first curds hit my tongue and that sour taste hit my mouth.  Purely on reflex I puked all over the kitchen floor.  It's been 26 years and I still can't smell buttermilk without wanting to puke.  
  I've bought cigarettes with winning scratch-off lotto tickets.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were walking in downtown San Francisco, when a group of people stopped us and actually asked: "Is there a Starbucks around here?"   
  i just read about 6 ladeefrickinda posts in a row, and it got me to thinking... i really hope that chick's not from the midwest, cause if she is... there's a (slim) chance i put my penis in there. ew.  
  I was in a really bad mood on Sunday.  One of those days where you don't really know why.  You just are.  6 shots of Jack Daniels later and I was a care free prissy princess.  
  Yes, I have a trace of a Southern accent; I try to cover it up, you know.  Because it is a Southern accent.  And I am a white male.  But no, I am not a country music fan, nor do I wear cowboy boots.  I am not an anti-feminist, politically incorrect bigot.  I don't really hate anybody or have a reason to hate anybody.  I just wanted to take this little opportunity to express my gratitude to ya'll:  Thanks oh so much for keeping prejudice and discrimination alive and well by hating the people that you assume are the haters.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          My Introduction To Boston Driving  Sure, people tell me that Italian drivers are worse, but Boston takes the ticket in this country. I've been here two weeks, when I get  really  cutoff by a big ol' '72 Buick. I honk and give him the finger. He ignores me. At the next light, I look at the car. It has dents everwhere. Three of the body panels are different colours. He has a bumper sticker that says: "Yes, as a mattor of fact, I  DO  own the entire goddammed road!" Impressive. But the cream on the cake is the driver's door -- it has six genuine BMW nameplates with crosses through them. I've been a jealous man, ever since...  
   PERSON ONE:  So I finally used my Clitopatra vibrator (named "Asyet" by my roommate Adri), and discovered that not only can I gush when orgasming, but I can come several times. I'm feeling a little vexed that a vibrating hunk of plastic that I bought for close to $40 off the Internet makes me come harder and better than eight different guys have done, but...well there are still some problems. I still want a man. Vibrators are good, but they're not much in the way of conversation. :/   PERSON TWO:  You should buy a talking dildo.   PERSON ONE:  Oh my God! That would be horrifying! It'd probably say things like, "God!! It's dark and moist in here! And it smells like pretzels..." and other non-erotic things. It'd be like having a small elf in my crotch!  
  I'm about to have a lowbrow day  I shall be taking a bath, using bath oil purchased for the purpose of using with my now-ex-gf.  I shall then put on the opera La Boheme on loop.  This is the opera I went to see with my now-ex-gf the night we both lost our virginities.  I shall then climb under my desk and hide for the remainder of the day with a stack of pictures of my now-ex-gf, slowly collapsing my self esteem into a tiny, cold, hard ball (to match how my heart feels).  Then, I think, I'll call that hot, hot chick that seems to be interested in me and try to get laid in the pitch black of my room.  I'll have to be careful to avoid her breasts, though, as they are much larger than my now-ex-gf's and I don't want to ruin the self-deception.    
    skorts are really short skirts with shorts underneath them.  they are meant to trick men. hahahahahahaha      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The events of Sept. 11 have even affected the house pets.  All three of them have new names.  Hammy, the Lebanese hamster, was a no-brainer. He's now Hamas.  Skinny Kitty is now Skinnywa, which makes no sense until we get to Fat Kitty*, who is now called Fatwa.  ------------------  *Grand-daughter of Maybelline, for you compulsive reloaders.  
  So, Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) just got busted for having a truckload of porn at his house. No big deal, find me one man who doesn't. But, it's Pee Wee, so it's hillarious. Until you find out about the child porn he had with it. Then it's just mildly amusing.  
   Driving this morning theough a busy school zone, filled with children of dentists, cashiers, auto mechanics, lawyers, real estate agents,  alcoholics, rascists, New Age hippies, etc., I drowsily notice a van whip by. It has a Christian fish symbol on the back. "Is God watching you?" I wonder, "'cuz I hope he nails your ass."  
  I haven't had sex in three years.  I haven't been stoned in two.  When I'm on trial for destroying the western hemisphere in a blast of unleashed tension, I'll have to mention this to the judge.  
  In the late 70's I was a cook a Chi-Chi's (really popular "mexican" "food" place) One of the "specialties was fried ice cream. we were always careful putting the whipped creme on so that we could huff the nitrous out of the cans on break.   I think I set the record with 20 cans back to back.....  All I remember from the brief experience is...........  
  I think that if all men had nipples that lactated there would be much less sexual frustrations and much more milk.    But that's just me letting my mind wander, as I suckle on my unconcious grandfather's breast, again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Mucous II  Definitely not just a cold. I can hardly move, and have an IQ about equivalent to a Border Collie sheepdog. I light a cigarette, and go to put it down in the ashtray. Where the hell is the ashtray? It was there five minutes ago! I get obsessed. It's a small apartment, after all, so where the hell did it go? I finally find it, half an hour later, in the garbage can. I'd gone to empty it out, but on the way I forgot what I was doing and just tossed the whole thing away. Perhaps my brain is trying to tell me something?  Whatever. I light another cigarette...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's 9:17am, exactly 17 minutes late for work.  It's a clear morning, not too many cars on the road.  The cops are off eating donuts.  I figure what the hell.  I kick it down into forth gear, twist back the grip and let the clutch lever spring back out.  At 1K short of redline i kick it up into fifth.  Passing cars on the highway as if they were stopped.  Look at my insturment panel for a flash, 108mph and climbing, headed up the hill to work.   My exit comes by in just over a minute (gotta love high speeds), and i get into the right lane and slow down to 65 to take the exit.     At this point i realize that i've been singing the music from "spyhunter" to myself on my way up the hill.  Major reality check!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was going to the mall.  Some asshole driving a new Ford Excursion beat me to this parking spot near the entrance.  I had to park way in the back.  After walking for what seemed like a week, I came upon his Excursion.  In a fit of rage and silliness I pushed all the number lock security thing buttons randomly over and over.  Then "click," the doors unlocked.  So I took advantage of the moment.  I turned on his headlights and left the door open.  I hope he had to walk home.  
  I can walk into a bar  Order a beer with a whiskey chaser  Sit on my own at a table away from the bar  Light a cigarette  I am not ugly, I am not badly dressed, I am not unpretty, I am not drunk, I am not scarred, I am not unapproachable  But I can sit and drink and smoke until my friends get here and not a single man will chat to me, not a single man will approach my table, not a single man will take an opportunity to offer to light my cigarette, or ask me if I'm alone, or enquire if I'm having a bad day  Because they are sheep  And nice girls don't drink whiskey chasers  
  This semester I need to decide which course to take, Data Structures or Operating Systems.  Is it wrong of me to take the Data Structures class simply because its listed as CMSC 420?  
  The telephone number for a local golf course was listed in a famous and often purchased travel guide incorrectly as my company's phone number.  People very often call up and unsuspectingly inquire about booking tee times.  If we are particularly bored, or of foul temper, we gleefully oblige whatever their request.  "You'll enjoy the course", I say, "but watch out for the dog-leg on the 8th!" I hate golf!     
  The guys i share the nightshift with don't realise why i laugh so much  watching their heads turn in unison when a scantily dressed woman goes past.    I laughed even harder when one saw me out of that ugly uniform, firedancing in town in a tight top.  I love upsetting people's perception of me...  
  They hated the girl downstairs for some reason.  Reggie came over like usual and performed his regular ritual of cranking up hip-hop and doing a dance that consisted of leaping in the air and slamming both feet full 6'2" power onto the floor repeatedly. "Yup, there she goes across the street to call her boyfriend!" Big loud truck. Mullet-head gets out with camo pants and a large assault rifle and slowly heads all the way around the house and in the door, making sure we all see him. Reggie goes down the stairs and parades around the house with his weapon. One big grim looking muthafuckin nigga with a hot pink super-soaker.   
  I have done an amazingly huge number of stupid things in my life. One of the stupidest things would have to be taking my mothers car for a joy ride when i was 16. My parents were out of town for a wedding - I had friends over for a small party.  A few hours into the night we have ran out of alcohol... so being the genius i am I volunteer to take my mothers car and go to the local drive thru bottle shop. Never mind I didn't have my license. Never mind I had been drinking + toking. The true stupidity of the moment is that after I managed  to get the alcohol without a problem... I decided to go for a quick cruise. One of my friends wanted KFC so we stopped by there - i decided  to drive around the book whilst she ran in because i didn't to be seen. Yeah fine time to start worrying about being "seen". As we circled the block, another girl in the car saw some guys from another school - one of whom she had a huge crush on. She hangs out the car window yelling, drawing attention. They started following us around the block, the whole time she was bouncing around the back seat, hanging out the window. They were flashing their lights on high beam and off again - repeatedly. With my friend bouncing around the back seat, the lights flashing on and off, me trying to see of my friend has finished in KFC the inevitable happens... I drove straight up the arse of the car in front of me. It was nothing serious, just dents to the bumper on both cars. But then the trouble starts - what on earth was i going to tell my mother? I manage to dodge the license question ("left it at home since i was only going out for a minute") and hands shaking give them my name and address (for a brief moment in time I contemplate giving them a fake one but in a town of 25,000 people i think they would have found me sooner or later...). I drove him, shaking like a leaf and the whole time the only thing that came out of my mouth was "what the fuck am i going to tell my parents???".  I get back to my house, gather the troops around me and the think tank gets to work. The girl bouncing round in the back mentions that she had a heart problem - she would get an arrythymia for no known reason and sometimes it would turn serious. She had no say in the matter - the official version of the story was she had an 'attack' and we were taking her to the hospital. When we were almost there it stopped so we started turning around and going home to get her stuff to take her back to her parents house. She wasn't terribly pleased about this but she had little choice in the matter. Nothing happened - the police weren't called but god were my parents pissed. I don't think they believed me but i stuck to the story and haven't wavered from it ever. My friend with the heart problem - well about 3 months later she had a genuine 'attack' and her parents went totally overboard in finding out what was wrong her. Turns out the doctors believed she had "Wolff-Parkinson-White" syndrome or something - the last time I spoke to her she was going to be on medication the rest of her life, and her parents were considering the possibility of a pacemaker. The turning point for them was the "fact" there were two "attacks" within a fairly short period of time. Whoops. All that instead of admitting I took the car on a joyride to buy booze.  
  I just got a  Sauerkraut  splinter!  I pulled an old  jar of  sauerkraut  out of the  fridge. As I  opened it,  there was a  bunch of dried  pieces on the  edge. A piece  stuck under  my skin.  I didn't notice  it at first, but  as it  absorbed the  moisture  under my  skin, it started  burning.  
  november and raining does wonders for depression  not sure if its the cold or the wet or the terminal grey of an angry sky sundays are not my friend on days like that  they dont sell beer except in bars on sunday in prudish new england which definitely doesnt help much days like that i wish i was back in nyc me and sandman and the porp decided to self medicate a day like that away we sat in decos in ball square and had two separate meals lunch and dinner delivered while watched three full sporting events on the big screen who needs a shrink         
  friend of mine driving home smoked out of his gourd notices a cop behind him.  he's driving while keeping a watchful eye on Elliott Ness and proceeds to drive, at 10 mph, into a yield sign because he's looking at the cop and not the road.  cop pulls up takes one look at him and says "just keep driving as slow as you've been driving and you'll be fine" and jets  
  This friend of mine went out with what we used to call a "Jesus Freak."  Things went well and as they were cooling down, she turned to him and said, "I prayed to the Lord that you'd be a good lover."  
  The day i knew it was time to get out of the bar tending business and go back to school... Regular customer #4 is liquored up as usual. The jukebox begins playing Blueberry Hill and he is up on the bar in a flash. Trying to sway sexily, but in reality he is just weaving, and the clothes start to come off.  I tell him. "If you take those wranglers off, i'll put them in the safe and you will spend the night bare-assed in the pokey."  Just about that time he weaved sharply to the left and was hit square in the forehead by a ceiling fan blade. He fell backward and landed spread eagle on the floor.  "Is he bleeding?" i ask? "nope, he's fine" says regular customer #1. "Thank God" says I. "I really didn't want to see that old mans ass."  
  I went shopping in the lost and found today. Found a $400 jacked.  I finally figured out why I can never find any of my own stuff in that damn place.  Someone takes it before I do. I almost felt bad taking it, because the pile was destined for a homeless shelter. But then I decided that homeless people don't need dry clean only stuff anyways.  They don't have the money to maintain it.  
  When NASA first started sending up astronauts,  they quickly discovered that ball-point pens  would not work in zero gravity. To combat the  problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12  Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero  gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any  surface including at temperatures ranging from  below freezing to 300 .     The Russians used a pencil  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Playing "bounce or fly" after a dinner of steak and potatoes, I noticed a small piece of beef stuck between my teeth. I struggled for a half hour with the old tongue and sucking technique to get it out while at the same time running up and down, back and forth shagging baseballs.  I eventually sucked all the flavorful juices out of it and nothing was left but a bothersome piece of tasteless fiber.  I finally dislodged the morsel and, out of curiosity, chose not to swallow it but instead spit it into the palm of my hand. It was the collapsed carcass of a fly.       
  I am not much of a golfer. In fact I am not a golfer at all. But as some guys were hacking golf balls  down the hallway of the dorm to the RA's (who wasn't there) door 40 yards on, I thought I would take whack especially as they were teeing off directly in front of my (corner) room. So I lined up the golf ball. Nice smooth easy swing for a non-golfer and WHACK! a clean square shot! Down the hall it went at quite a pace, then HOLY SHIT! it comes speeding back towards us. Down we go. It careens of the door opposite mine which is offset at a 45 degree angle, then into my room (whose door was open), then richochets off the far wall in my room and god-damned smack into my beautiful ceramic bong that was perched on my desk. Stunned, and dazed we stand up and enter my room to confirm what we had thought. There, on the desk, was the golfball, in a pool of stinky bongwater amidst the green ceramic pieces. "Holy fucking fucking holy shit!" was the only thing anyone could mutter. For we all knew we had just witnessed something more improbable than a hole-in-one!   
  dear spider on the ceiling,  what are you doing up there? how is it possible for you to be upside down and not fall off? oh shit, did you just move?  please don't fall on my head. that would result in me leaping up from my chair, screaming, knocking things over and more than likely hurting myself.   how is it, having your entire body be no larger than a quarter of a pea? how big is your brain? can you read?  have you ever broken a leg? do spiders have doctors? why don't you move at all? are you sleeping?  mr. spider, i would appreciate it if you left the premises immediately. i have homework to do, and you are most distracting.  sincerely,  cate  p.s. tell your friends, i am not running a whorehouse for spiders!  
  While in Paris with a group of students from my school, I heard this about Bill, one of the kids in the group, from someone he was staying in the hotel with.  The night before, the 2 other guys in the room somehow got a bunch of shaving cream on him (I forget how) and Bill was pretty pissed.  For one thing, he never struck me as being mentally stable.  Just the way he carried himself led me to give him the nickname "suicide watch."  Anyways, the next night, I guess that he found Jim's (the kid who did the whole incident) pillow and rubbed his dirty underwear all over it.  He didn't stop there.  He turned his back to Conor (other roommate) and rubbed the pillow all over his groin and got a bunch of pubes all over it and stuff... really sick stuff.  Then, he took the pillow into the bathroom and rubbed his ass all over it.  Conor was like "isn't that going a bit far?" and the worst part is that Bill agreed with him... and slept using that pillow, just to punish himself.  He refused to use another pillow, he just had to punish himself for the crap he did.  I told you he was nuts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Before I met my wife, she was babysitting her younger nephew about that time he was still in diapers.  She came home from work one day and began to play with him, not realizing he had just finished eating.  When she was tossing him up in the air and catching him again, just as she raised him over her head to do it again, he threw up right into her mouth!!  MMmmmm!  Chunky style formula!  Yummy!!"  
  Just a note to you Yanks out there, over here in Australia, fanny does not mean your rear end.  It's a general term used for a chick's pussy.    So if we giggle like 13 year old boys, when someone says it - THATS why!  Oh - and a note to Canadians. Do not call those little hot dogs 'weiners'.  Again, we will giggle like 13 year olds.  Well we're more likely just laugh our arses off.  
  One night my friends and I were all gathered at house for a "party" We wound up watching some boring dateline show about a handicapped disabled kid from Russia that was a chernobyl baby. I behaved myself throughout the entire segment, listening to the entire sappy peice on a night we should be out partying or having fun, without snickering too much or making nasty comments. As the segment was about to end with this kid smiled into the camera, getting his 15 minutes, the litte monster with his inturned messed up legs and weird pointy teeth and bent skeleton, looked so awful I couldn't hold back any longer. As the reporter said "Well little Alosha has been making leaps and bounds" I cut in with "NOT LITERALLY" and two people I know burst out laughing while the others scowled at me. fuck em.  
  The worst thing about working in an office is the bathrooms.  Sooner or later you're going to have to take a dump.  Then you have to decide what level of cleaning (dry toilet paper wipedown, water from the skink for a wet wipedown, toilet paper/ass gasket) you're going to do and then execute the plan.  The worst, though, is if you need or want privacy.  It's inevitable that the night after you drank a lot of beer and you're about to have one of those "sounds like you dumped a cup of water in the toilet" shits some one will come in.  It's actually gotten to the point where I have had show-downs with fellow shitters.  I'll try and wait them out, and from the lack of sound coming from next door, I assume that are doing the same.  Some times when I really need to go I'll start talking shit to them in my head. "This guy thinks he can out wait me?  I hope he didn't have tacos last night"  "Oh for christ sakes, look at this assholes shoes.  What a fucking amateur.  I can't believe a guy with shoes like THAT is going to try to out wait me...what a pussy"  
  She was a geeky, awkward 13 year-old and looked as though she dressed in the dark. Glasses too big for her face, bad perm. But she was the most unbelievable writer for someone so young. She entered the Literary Magazine contest and won two of the three first prizes. (I was an editor.) She was taunted mercilessly by everyone, even the higher echelon geeks. I always wondered what happened to her. I hope she made it out, didn't let the opinions of the masses beat her down. I sometimes imagine her as a world-renowned authoress, living abroad with a young, Italian lover and many cats. Either that or in Ward 6, sedated, dirty, staring into space trying to achieve invisibility.  
  he he berates her  he treats her like his maid  he laughs at her compassionless when she is hurt  he hates her career  he works incessantly  he won't let her go out at night   she she says that I am such a great guy  she says that I am someone special to her  she feels that we have a once in a lifetime connection  she wonders what it would be like to be with me  she says that she wants me to make love to her   but she is marrying that other fucking bastard in 3 months...  nice guys always get fucked  
  Sometimes I tie my shoelaces together sometimes I fall sometimes they stare  Fuck them    
  The great addictions of all time:  nicotine  heroin  caffeine  gambling  alcohol  lowbrow refresh button   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was working on Wall Street a number of years ago, there was this fruit vendor that always had the VERY BEST cherries.  BIG FAT CRUCHY RED cherries.  They were always soooo juicy, and had the perfect pits to shoot bewteen your thumb and index finger.  I would go out for lunch, by a pound of cherries, eat them, and then proceed to shoot the red juice covered pits at all the women wearing light colors.  Thousands of little cherry juice stains.  Man, that was fucking hysterical.  
  i worked at mcdonalds (sad i know) but one night i was working with this guy and he said his sister had baked these cookies. being hungry for anything but mcdonalds i said "gimme one"  anzac was the flavor. they tasted like shit. i told him after it that they were the worst cookies i had ever tasted.  he said to me, well...look. in about half an hour there gonig to be the best cookies you ever tasted, i was like what?  we ened up eating 5 quater punders and 10 cheese burgers...  mcdonalds- the best place to get the munchies  
    The Great Sue M. Tit Hunt  Sue, my favourite lust-object co-worker, was leaving town for another job  Me: Remember that time you visited me in hospital a couple years ago?  She (warily) : Eh, yes...  Me: You know that I don't remember anything at all about that year, because of the injury?  She: Good!  Me: Please understand, though -- it's really important that I know what happened, because it's part of my life, and I just don't have any access to it. C'mon, you're leaving town, I'll never see you again.  Can't you tell me?  She (blushing furiously): Ehhhhh, OK. I came to visit you with John. You were very funny and flirtatious! I sat on your bed and you took my hand.  She: Then you turned to John and said something like: "Now it's time for the  Great Sue M Tit Hunt!  And you shoved your hand up my blouse!  She: Then you said: "Nope, nothing there --- let's try over here" and you ran your hands all around me under my blouse!  Me: Really?  What did you do?  She: What  could  I do? I shrieked, I asked John to make you stop...  Me: Thanks, Sue -- I just really needed to know what actually happened.   (P.S. Her account exactly confirmed what John, jealous awe in his voice, had already told me, except for his added observation: "She could have just stood up, but she didn't. She just sat there giggling for about five minutes while you fondled her.)   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         wait wait wait  now slip crash a large rapid string of expletives and voluminous guffaws  people in business shoes shouldnt play pranks on icy sidewalks unless they like being laughed at i mean  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ate brownies last night, stayed up really late and was happily asleep at 5:30 in the afternoon when some asshole from work calls and asks me to take his 7pm shift.  i'm the last hope he's called everyone else.  yea right, lying cocksucker.  but i need money so ok.  better shower.  no hot water.  fuck.  it's pouring and cold outside.  i'll be off at 3am and i have an early class tomorrow.  college is the best years of your life.  
  My brother worked at a summer camp for the disabled, and one day they threw a dance party for the kids   he later tried to describe to me exactly the emotion he felt while watching a roomful of retarded Amish children dancing wildly to "It's Raining Men"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)                    Digusting Subway Moment #2   Our local subway (parksville, for those who care) has a bad history of making people sick via their seafood sub. I've had three different people tell me they all got sick there.     I went for food one night at about a half-hour before closing. The first thing we noticed was the not one, but two piles of vommit, one right by the door and one in the adjacent parking stall.      Im sure the clerks knew. Fat nasty cow-whores  
  A brilliant invention, the "laid back", "playful" workplace.  Blur the distinction between work and play by putting a foosball or pool table in the office, replacing cubicles with open warehouse spaces, giving nerf guns to everyone, pretending not to care what time your employees show up or how they dress.  The distinction between work and play is now gone, and suddenly the poor, duped workers are putting in 60-80 hour weeks, because it's so much "fun", and don't feel the need to organize unions, because they're clearly so well treated.  I envy my dad who leaves at 5 every day, and changes out of his suit and - presto - is able to forget all about work.  Or my little sister, who is paid hourly, a retail sales job, so at least if she works an 80 hour week she's paid for it.  But who's going to listen to me whine?  I have a foosball table at work.  
  The automatic assumption that "if you play with fire, you're gunna get burned" isn't always true.  My friends and I play with fire all the time and we never get burned.  
  I was standing up, speaking to my co-worker who was departing for the evening.  Our supervisor and the CEO of the company were having a meeting about the slides they're developing for an upcoming conference.  As she quickly interrupts to say goodnight, I manage to drop my gum wrapper and bend over to retrieve it just as they turn in my direction, surely flashing them an ample dose of buttcrack.  Now the CEO will always think of me the girl who's ass hangs out of her pants.  I don't think I'm going to wear these low-cut things to work anymore.    
  I'm in no way mocking our Savior, but everyone with a Jesus fish on the back of their car drives about as well as a monkey on a 6 day cocaine binge.   
  Classic lines of one of my drunken friend last summer:  Said to 12 year old girl (he's 23) over a mobile phone: "Hey go get your mother, I'm feeling a bit frisky, and what I got to say I can't say to you"  Said to girlfriend the following nite: "Pass me another beer, I really need you to look sexy tonight."  
  I was on the subway last night and I needed to fart.  All these stories I've been reading on Lowbrow have made me a little weary of farting in public, and accidentally taking a dump in my pants.  So I held it in.  Now the train is all backed up. And I dont mean the subway  
  Breaking up with her at the Chinese restaurant. She is in tears when the fortune cookies arrive. My fortune reads: "Happiness is sitting across the table from you." She didn't think it was funny at all, and I guess that's exactly why we're not together.  
  i hate fucking rats said he to wit my obvious reply was admitting the problem is the first step to recovery three two one i dont fuck rats you asshole ah a brain surgeon rocketscientist takes at least ten seconds   
  I can piss in a 2-litre bottle while scrunched in the backseat of a car when I am drunk and high, but I'll be damned if I can hit the toilet bowl when I am sober.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "phwoooh", she sighed.  "For an out of shape kinda fat guy, you have a suprising amount of energy."        
  Just broke up with my girlfriend (she told me she couldn't live with me and had admitted to buying a house without telling me).  I wasn't feeling bitter about it, but I did need to even things out a little. I know that her straight-laced mother whould be helping her move, so I packed her vibrator and restraints with her towels and handed the packed box to her mother.  Haven't heard from her since.  
  When I was in high school, I figured New Wave was for people who were just too pussy to get into Punk Rock.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have $20 in Taco Bell "Taco Bucks" lunch will rule this day!!!!  
  What does it mean when you go to take a crap, but the only thing that comes out is pain?  
  Xeras the great.  Your not the only one who beats of 3+ times in a day. Makes me feel better though. Just make sure you don't need to fuck soon afeter that. Running out of jiz with a self used up cock sucks, I know. Especial when you blow so many loads your ball ache for a day! It's my fault, it's the DSL.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he cant even hold down a relationship for a week. i hope i had something to do with that :)  
  my roomies don't know this but i have a secret bar of soap all to myself and i use the one in the bathroom exclusively to wash my asscrack i get a lot of stuff out of there too  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I was, brooding melancholy-style over a cup of crappy joe.  The server walks by and says "I really like your hair color."  I say, "It's falling out cuz I dye it so often to keep this amazing shade of red."  She wouldn't talk to me anymore.  
      I am a nudist in private.  It's simply very comfortable and besides, who is going to see me?  The sofa?     
  I wondered why all the pretty girls kept asking me my last name, until I got my bar tab.  
  I just asked my friend to find me a woman like her, not write a goddammed song about it:  You never saw her comin', Dude She must've put her spell on you Ten seconds in the place And you just had to meet her Like a grade school boy Your tongue was all tied up...  It wasn't quite like that. It was much worse. I couldn't even look in her direction. All I caught was a glimpse out the corner of my eye as she sat down, and I was effectively dogmeat. I am  not  a shy person, but I seriously could not look at her. My friend caught on and bailed me out, asking the new woman for help handling "these two guys." They laughed and chatted away, then my friend turned to her man, leaving me ALONE with her. I finally looked her in the eye, and discovered that I could still breathe, but only just. Then she asked to borrow my hat. She took hers off, shook her perfect raven hair out, stuck my hat on, and smiled at me. These are the moments that make or break a guy. These are the moments when your genes have a chance to propagate themselves in the most perfect way possible. So why is it that the only thought that comes to mind is: "Ehhh, mfph, ehhhh...?"  Two hours in And you are absolutely smitten And, don't you just know, She's got a boyfriend at home...   
  In Mexico, drinking a beer he bought himself, smoking a cigarette inside a bar, and expecting sex later in the evening, the 18 year old that he was in frikking heaven.   Too bad his Mormon mother flipped out when he got home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Driving this morning theough a busy school zone, filled with children of dentists, cashiers, auto mechanics, lawyers, real estate agents,  alcoholics, rascists, New Age hippies, etc., I drowsily notice a van whip by. It has a Christian fish symbol on the back. "Is God watching you?" I wonder, "'cuz I hope he nails your ass."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The information leaflet that came with my fluoxetine says " Tell your doctor if you wish to become pregnant ".  Don't they get fired for that kind of thing?  
  After he left, I leaned down and smelled the couch where he had been sitting.        
  I was masturbating once, and I came all over my hand.  I recall hearing someone say, "It's salty". So, being the curious little monkey I am, I decided to give it a taste.  Never once have I had to use the salt shaker again.  
  While in the frozen food section of the grocery store, I notice that the glass doors are fogged up real nice. This gives me a wonderful idea.  Using the sides of my hands, I make what look like small footprints, complete with toes - very similar to a baby's footprint.  Then I run to the toy aisle, grab one of those life size dolls (one without shoes) and stick the doll in the freezer, making sure the feet line up with the footprints, giving the impression that someone left their baby in the freezer and it kicked the door in an attempt to survive...  I would have loved to have seen the look on the persons face who found THAT...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Always remember to remove the toothpicks from the Club sandwich *before* you bite into it...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a wet dream about my girlfriend's mom.        
  I have become a mucous machine.  It is coming out of nose and my eyes.  Really.  My fucking eyes are full of snot.  It's digusting.  When I blow my nose or spit it out after I cough it up out of my throat I have found that there is often blood in it. I think I should be worried now because if bloody snot starts coming out of my eyes then I'm pretty sure the end is near.   
  I just finished the rest of the bottle of vodka, only two drinks and i still want more.  Being the lazy alcoholic fuck i am I think ill take a shot of nyquill.  Eh maybe not ill have a mixed drink with nyquill and say...Hawaiian Punch.  yeah thats it.  
  splayed out on a white leather couch my friend and i were coming down from a mellow shroom trip, decided to wtch some tv. first thing we see is this commercial for a Fox show: "Who Wants To Be a Princess" we kind of scoff at this for a minute then my friend's tone turns to shock when she realizes that this beauty pageant will decide the outcome of  the government of some European country. Their government! will be decided! on Fox primetime!  
  Once upon a time, when I was in fifth grade, I was doing some homework, and came across and electric lint remover.  I put it on my clothes and noticed that it wasn't picking up any lint.  So, I decided to see if it worked at all.  I put it on my face, my arm, my hand, nothing was happening.  Being the genius that I am, I put it on my tongue, and, zzzzzz, it worked!  I didn't know you could get stitches in your tongue until that fateful day.  
  Drinking a coke from Burger King, driving on the freeway...  I hit a pothole, and the straw of the drink is driven up into the roof of my mouth.  Had to go to the hospital.   I hate this city.  
  It was possibly the most inspired and best blowjob I had ever given, considering the lack of material I had to work with. And yet he had the gall to say, conclusively, "Well, that was okay." I crawled up his torso and burped in his face.  
   Just when you think everything is perfectly normal and fine, and it is time for your wholehearted participation in the world to once again begin without restraint, they pull a fast one and renew the rights to "Gigigans Island" syndication.  It is so very clearly the apocolypse.        
  Grocery clerk entry #12: On TV last night, some woman said that there is no such thing as an ugly baby.  Sentimental bullshit intended to make new mothers smile.  She should spend a day or two in my line.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Nice drawing, isn't it?" she said.  I smiled and nodded while thinking that if I shoved a pencil up my ass I could make a better picture.  
  Poking fun at my step-mother, Round 2: My best friend and I roomed in college.  We shared an apartment.  He had just come back this semester after being hit by a car- real mess.  For some reason, while he was out, my step-mom thought he would like a little nurse doll.  No- not an inflateable one.  Like a doll you would give a little girl.  Kinda strange to give that to a 20 year old college guy. So, when we moved into the apartment, he hung it from the ceiling by it's neck and had splattered it with some red paint(did I mention we were art majors?). It hung there for so long, we sorta forgot about it.  Then my dad and step-mother came down for a visit one weekend.  She saw it and exclaimed, "Isn't that the doll I gave you when you were in the hospital?!" Nothing but nervous, red-faced giggles from us.  
  Not last Christmas, but the one before, one of my very randy male friends was wrapping up his christmas pressies. He had one for his mum, dad, sister, and girlfriend. But as he was putting the tags on them, he kinda got a little confused, and put his mum's tag on the erotic goods, and not the whitegoods meant for her.  Imagine the look on his mum's face when she opened her present, and found out that her Catholic Son is sleeping with his girlfriend at the same time!! The sexy nickers and bra weren't really her size, and I don't think she knew what to do with lube and chocolate sauce, unless she was gonna garnish something with it, along with the whipped cream....  
  Went to a porn shop in SF. "The most hardcore in ca" the sign said or something. We went in, all sorts of bondage shit, then near the back was this tape called "Shit Eater" with a picture of a girl eating shit. I bet her parents are proud of her.  
  i like the smell of my bandaid, after it's been on my finger for awhile.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had an argument with the monsters again.  It seems that they've all pulled together so that they could buy me a futon, due to the fact that my mattresses lay on the floor.    "Look girl, we just ain't no kinda monsters if we can't hide under a bed."  I got offended.  Of course, I love the monsters, but I love my bed on the floor even more.  And when I suggested that they continue to hide in the closet, or maybe even the attic, they got pissed off and left.  I hope they come back soon.  It gets really lonely talking to myself...  
  My Uncle John ------------- * Uncle John plate in his head bad toupee * pissed himself bragged about sex; with fat whores * a liar was stabbed by lesbians; and left for dead * looked like my mom rode a motorcycle; in slacks   
  We just got a new computer for the house. Our last one crapped out about 6 months ago. This new one is fucking great, a real screamer.  I jerked off looking at porn yesterday. I forgot how much I missed that.  All the porn, at the speed of light.  
  I was too weak and afraid to admit that it was my bloody band-aid that was discovered in the scone that this poor women bit into. Only, one other baker knew and he has kept his mouth shut ever since. That is the "baker's oath of confidentiality".        
  I noticed a funny thing today. You know when you're thirsty, your mouth is dry and a little puckered? You swallow a lot.  And when you're hungry, your mouth waters, and you lick your lips a bit. Today I had a funny feeling in my mouth. I was licking my lips, and a bit puckered... But I'd eaten already and I wasn't thirsty. Then I realized- What I needed was some serious deep kissing.  Lips and tongue, baby.  And perhaps a nice fat penis.  
  A leopard skin print cotton dress appears to be the cheap imitation that it is.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Waiting for everyone to go home for the day so I can open my graphics software and flip through downloaded screen captures of a hot news anchorwoman. Love is crazy, love is mad...  
  Here I am reading the 'brow. One of the moments strikes me as hilarious. I start laughing hysterically as I reload. My wife asks what's so funny. I couldnt remember.  God, my short term memory is shot.  
  ok...  So right now I've got this really crappy job.  My company is starting to tank, my boss is a total asshole and a lousy manager to boot, and subsequently I'm seriously looking for a new gig.  Given the new, new, *new* economy we're in right now, it's taking a bit longer than I originally planned.  To pass the time at work I've started playing this game - "What Would Johnny Do?"  The premise is simple.  I sit there and try to imagine all the different ways Johnny Cash would quit my job.  It's really quite therapeutic.  
  I live in a residential college full of those kids who were never cool in high school getting their revenge. And I feel like a loser when I don't have sordid band camp stories. Giving head in the plant from Little Shop of Horrors cannot compare to blowing someone in the back of the band bus, sitting on top of a tuba case. ~puck~   
  My godson was talking about  who the first person was.    Once we got that all talked out he turned to me and said "I think God is a robot".    I certainly didn't disagree.        
  I had some mid-afternoon sex with my current boyfriend.  Then later I got drunk.  My boyfriend was drunk. My guy friend was hanging out with us...he was also drunk.  Through knowing glaces we asked my boyfriend to go get some Taco Bell.  That stupid bastard...he left.  So guy friend and I...we start fucking like porn stars on the couch.  He finishes...gets off me and only seconds after I pulled my pants back up, my boyfriend walks back through the door.  Later...my guy friend goes home and my boyfriend fucks me again and says "You are so wet for me baby."  In my head I think "Yea, I should have worn a condom with that other guy or something."    Ah...drunk is good.  Who am I kidding. I would have done it sober.  
  when i was 13, i got caught my first time shoplifting in kmart... POGs.  2 years later, my mom taught me how to scam wal mart for 300$ or so a night.  
        No, It's 'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder'.......  
   I had gone to see King Missile III at the Bottom of the Hill.  I saw John S. Hall and I yelled to him, "Hey John!", and he came over to me.  I said to him, "John, do you know how long I've been a fan of yours?", he smiled. I said, "I've been waiting for years to give you a side hug", and I put my arms around his waist.  He said, "A side-hug?", and I said, "Yeah..side-hugs are hygenic, fun and socially acceptable."  He said, "oh", then disappeared into the crowd.  I melted.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The bug-eyed street preacher got into a shouting match with a passerby in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral on 5th Avenue. When a cop told him to move on, the evangelist brayed that he had a right to be there. He stormed away, screaming the Lord's Prayer at the top of his lungs. Halfway across the street to Rockefeller Center, he wheeled around to face the cop and shouted back: "For thine is the KING-dom, the POW-er, and the GLO-ry for EV-er and EV-er, A-MEN, you FUCK-ing PIECE of SHIT!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and I had drunk ourselves retarded one night. We'd drunk until the last subway was leaving. Big mistake.  I unno, if you know this, but after your first piss of the evening, you've basically 'broken the seal'. So, here we are, on the last subway knowing full well that we can't get off or we'll be totally fucked in the middle of Toronto.  We manage to hold it in until the last stop and which point we basically pushed over old ladies to rush up to the bathroom only to find it locked. My friend runs to the corner of the subway station when I tell him there's a camera pointing at him.  We bolt it outside and my friend spots a little knock with doors that don't have handles. It's like 1:40 in the morning no one around. So, he runs to it and starts pissing before he stops. I follow behind him waiting to piss as well. Just as a huge puddle of piss starts leaning up against one of the doors, it opens up and there's a young female standing there with piss now swimming at her feet. He's in mid-flight with no stopping. "Oh, this is good. This is really good. Why didn't you use the damn bathroom downstairs?" I think only I understood his drunken answer.  I pissed in the bushes around the corner. Safely.  
  i finally convice him to come with me to talk to these girls, and as we're walking over, his knee buckles and he falls to the ground writhing in pain.  At first, I thought he was just scared, but as it turns out, his leg somehow got twisted pretty badly.   
  I felt dejected after being rejected from a nightclub by the greasy doorman and sat on the nearest bench to have a cigarette. A homeless guys sits next to me and asks for a light, so I give him my box of matches and turn the other way. He lights up what smells like a joint and although I would love to hit the shit, it could be that or worse so I keep looking the other way and about five minutes of silence passes until he taps me on the shoulder and says, "If you give me a dollar I will make it into ten and give you half" so I am like what the fuck and get up to walk away but something makes me sit down again and give him that coin (this is Australia) so anyway I think I will never see it again but he actually does something which is impressive considering he is at rockbottom and is now stoned and he actually waves his hand around, blows in it and all that usual trickster shit and out of nowhere produces not a ten dollar but a fucking fifty dollar note and he goes, "here have all of it" I am now thinking he is probably going to kill me literally if I take it but I do anyway just to see what he does he then asks if I have a light again and I am like, "You got my matches remember?" I now think he is fucking crazy but at least I will be able to keep the fifty, and he fishes in his pocket and gets them out and says, "Here now burn the money and then I can double it for ya" I ask him to burn it and give it back to him but he just puts everything back into his coat pockets and tells me I do not believe in magic. Anyway to make a long story short he played all these mindgames and kept producing all this cash out of nowhere and I eventually realised he was not homeless but just some sort of escaped mental patient on the loose and I spent the whole night with him exchanging coins for bills, cigarettes for joints (I am getting all the good shit) and the when the sun began to rise he asked me to marry him but I said sorry I am a lesbian but out of some strange kindess/craziness in my  heart I fucked him in an alley way and went back to my hotel afterwards, dirty and disgusted with myself but I found that I had $175 of his money, now mine. And to this day, two years later, I still wonder, was that an act of prostitution or did someone just get lucky and is so, who?  
  Have you ever stopped and thought about what those punk ass teenagers are doing to your food at the local fast food joint?  Do you ever worry about what kind of sanitary procedures they're avoiding, how much has been dropped on the floor, how old and expired the food is?  Do you ever think about that pimply face kid having his hands down his pants all day and never once washing his hands before slapping together your burger?  Do you think they even give a shit, for minimum wage?  Do you think the mere prescence of customers annoys them enough to jerk one out in the mayo?  I used to work a job like that.  Trust me... it's best not to think about these things.  
  Episode IV: THE (not so) GRAND FINALE  I stagger across the street and buy a couple of big sloppy slices of pizza to go and hop into a cab with Billy Joe Jim Bob from Turnip Truck, Arkansas behind the wheel. Don't recall what we talked about. Eventually I arrive at my parent's condo in the 'burbs where I'm crashing on the floor until I scrape my life together. My bible-thumper tea-totaler dad is still awake at 3am working on that god-awful stamp collection, I lay a slice on him, talk some gibberrish, declare victory and call it a night.  
  A few weeks ago, I pulled up to the drive through at a local fast food restaurant. We each ordered a couple burgers. As we pulled up to the window to pay for our order, I noticed that an attractive young woman was working at the register. I turned to Grimace and said, "There's one for ya!" We all had quite a good laugh. Then I realized that Grimace wasn't laughing at all. Then I remembered.... Grimace has no genitals. I felt kinda bad. None of us said a word the whole drive home. Later that day, I distracted Grimace by having him pick out a movie to watch from our vast collection. The rest of us went out to the garage. We then constructed some genitals for Grimace using a Styrofoam cone, a couple of acorns and some glitter. We held the genitals together using some wood glue, tape and string. The entire project took about 20 minutes to complete. When the glue was dry, we placed the whole thing into a box and brought it inside. Grimace's eyes lit up like we've never seen before. For the first time, I believe, Grimace was truly happy. We all let out a cheer for grimace and I said to him, "Here, you can attach it to yourself using my old belt." Ever since that day, Grimace has been much more outgoing. I've never seen him like this before. I'm sure he'll be dating in no time.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the short version a girl who gave me my first bj in highschool was doing blacks at an alarming rate i bought a bunch of black capsule caffiene pills and slipped them to her you know so she wouldnt od on me her mother found the pills and the bitch blamed me instantly got a call from her mom and i told her to have them checked uot that her daughter was on blacks and i switched them to save her life two days later i am hung over and the doorbell rings i get up in my jockeys and answer the door its her mom she wants to talk wait let me put some clothes on itll only take a minute we sit in her toronado she rubs my leg and tells me how mature i am for my age smelling mrs robinsons sexual frustration and knowing her willingness to do her highschool daughters boyfriend i let her go to the point that there was no mistaking her intentions then i told her what a whore she was and i would tell her husband walking into the house i noticed my sister staring out at me through the window i thought man that totally fucked up a perfectly good hangover         
     "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR"  So... It is like 2 am in my hole in the wall, white trash hometown. Me and some buddies are sitting around in a bedroom drinking those giant fountain drinks from the local Mac's store. (You know the ones that claim to be as good as the double gulps from 7-11 but really are like half the size and watered down.) Anyway we are watching X-files, sober bored, full of caffine and jumpy from the dam sugar rush. And my friend says "I am bored... I wish something interesting would happen"... Then as if god himself was answering his prayer there is a loud hammering at the back door. We figure it is this dumbass alcoholic named Rick who lives in the house, hammered, flying on fucking Coke, we had better let him in before he breaks down the door. I hand my stupid giant soda to my friend and am about to head out of the bedroom. All of a sudden the door smashes inward into like a million flying pieces of particleboard. A dozen cops in full body armour, with automatic rifles, guns and a giant metal battering ram come flying into the house. Screaming, swearing, cursing... (Boy they are alot more polite on C.O.P.S.) My poor friend has his hands up with one giant full pop in each one... Those things get heavy after a few minutes. And his arms start to go down. The Cops stick an automatic weapon in his face: "FUCKING HANDS IN THE AIR!!! DON'T FUCKING MOVE" As far as I know he has never wished for excitement again.      
  I've spent way too much time this afternoon trying to figure out if there is a difference between "fuck buddy" and "booty call".  It got to the point where I was trying to research it online, and had called a couple of friends to ask what they thought. They basically thought I should get a life.   
  ok so i bring a bottle of makers home cos its the thing least likely to evaporate during a family ordeal as no one like burbon least of all my father and as i have mentioned previously family outings make me want to go on benders of biblical proportions and sonofabitch my dad tries it and declares it the smoothest liquid hes ever had gone every drop what the fuck do i hafta switch to grainalcohol or nail polish remover or what fucking lush genecode  
  I try to make my boyfriend think I've slept with dozens of guys.    He's slept with more girls than I've even met, so it's only natural to want him to think I'm a ho too.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         met my boyfriend of 2 years at a party at my friend's apt.  i was drinking a 40 of OE (in the paper bag, of course) with a straw. he said it was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.  
  one more statement before i pass out  The simple fact that you are too drunk tomaintain an erection should be a good sign that you've drank toomuch.    The simple fact that thishas happened more than once should indicatet that your liver needs help  on top of that, not only did you not bring anyone home to help you through this crisis, but youwere too fucked up to even bother hittting on chicks...  man i need to getmy priorities straight  
  there is this woman that comes into my work, and orders the same ice cream, every single day.  she likes two scoops of jamoca almond fudge in a bowl.    rain, shine, sleet, hail, snow, tornado... it doesn't matter.  she gets her ice cream, every single day.  and why does she do this?  apparently she gave up drinking coffee a year ago or so, and her family was very proud of her (she's old and i assume has been drinking coffee her whole life).  the ice cream has coffee in it... i mean, it's a COFFEE ICE CREAM.  today she came in with her family, and i quickly asked; "two scoops jamoca almond fudge in a cup?" as i reached towards the dishes.  she cocked up, and shook her head, and fumbled out "uhhh... no... no thank you."  her company gave her a funny look.  i guess they don't know about gramma's JAF addiction.  
  A young blonde lady in my speech class... probably not the best looker, but I like the way she seems to have a secret, seems self-confident... and it's all about that weird half-smile.  I wonder if it's like a stroke thing?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "The moment:  Driving home, this girl is fondling my  peepee trough my pant as I drive.  Her  "If you didn't have morals, you'd stop right here and fuck me"  Me  "I don't have any morals, I'm just a fucking wuss, that's all."   I gotta work on this honesty thing. I think it's killing peepee.  - lewis_gmb@gmb.com  ahem  Your "peepee"? Your "peepee"??!? For God's sake, man! Have some fucking dignity! Call it your dick, cock, prick, tool, wang, johnson, member, tubesteak, piece of pork, wife's best friend, woody, willy, stiffy, dong, helmeted warrior, one-eyed trouser snake, pleasure pole, sausage, purple-headed yogurt slinger, anything but a "peepee".  Hell, if you can't remember any of these, call it your penis. Even that's better than "peepee".  Jesus!  - Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com   He's a wuss.  Isn't that the whole point?  
  I have this friend who went out drinking one night with some friends.  Innocent enough, but he picks up some girl at the bar.  Things progress, and nicely so.  They end up in his car, a Honda Cervix, I mean Civic.  A nice one, too, all modified like Rice Boy.  There they are, sitting in the front seat, making out.  Windows cracked slightly, gentle sounds of drunken desire oozing out.  Suddenly, she switches to a chorus of "Fuck my pussy.  Fuck my pussy.  Fuck my pussy".  Over and over again.  Guess she wasn't a candidate for anal sex that night.  My friend was kind of caught in the moment.  He looks outside the car and sees that his friends have followed him out to watch their action.  Slowly they started chanting "Fuck her pussy.  Fuck her pussy.  Fuck her pussy."  
  I was sitting there listening to my freind talk out his ass when a phrase caught my attention "yeah...things were different after China bombed pearl harbor..." Wow. I feel so smart. heh.   
  i walk up to Ben, who's mowing the lawn.  he's allergic; red nose, puffy eyes, sniffing all the time.  we're talking, and he sneezes.  this 2 foot long jet of snot flys out of his nose, hits its maximum stretch, bounces back, and the end connects itself to the lawnmower handle like a festive, dangling, green ribbon. i almost shit myself laughing. he yelled at me to go get him kleenex, so i did, and when i got back out, the snot had mysteriously disappeared.  Ben wouldn't tell me where the snot went. this was 6 years ago, and i still wonder- where the hell is that magnificent snot wad?!?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         real low most people post only to sit there in front of the screen for hours clicking thru moments that arent theirs hoping to see their own and forgetting that no one will care cos they used a fake email address         
  in my dorm, i live on the 2nd floor. It's a suite kinda thing, so 2 rooms are connected by a bathroom. The people above me are noisy and annoying. When they go to the bathroom, i can hear them take a piss. It's gross. However, because of this, whenever i hear one go into the bathroom, i go into mine with the broom, and when they're going, i smack the ceiling really hard. Almost everytime, i can hear them jump.  It's glorious to know that i probably made them piss all over the toilet and the floor because of my cruel tricks. I love making the noisy jerks get what they deserve.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why is it perfectly acceptable for a woman to own any manner of dildo or vibrator, but if a man owns some sort of mock female genitals with which he can get his sex on, he's a pervert?  God damned double standards.  
  It's been 10 months since I've had sex. If I make it to a year without sex my friends are gonna throw me a party. I really hope I don't have that party.  
  at a family gathering stuck in a conversation with my idiot cousin. Were talking about a movie recently out, and i said those famous words "Yeah, but the book was much better." She says "Why do you people always say that?" "You People?" i ask.  "Yeah you people who read books"  
  Chatting with my dad, he asks me where I think he should take her (some female who IM'd him) if he wanted a blowjob. Then asks me if his current girlfriend would watch or participate. We then go into an indepth conversation about such matters.  Dad rules.   And my boyfriend wonders why I'm so liberal.  
  So I succesfully managed to owe 500 dollars to various businesses.  Most those bills were actually due last week.  My 230 cell phone bill was due on the same day last week that my stupid friend lost my last 200 dollars.  All I wanted was an ounce of pot, not so much to ask. I figured selling most of it would be a good way to smoke for free during my anticipated poor streak. When I call to ask where my money is she goes, "Chaz has it." Me-"WHO THE FUCK IS CHAZ!!!! And why does HE have my money you bitch!!"  So as a result of her stupidity I have to get a payday advance for 100 bucks, cause half the 200 wasn't even mine.  Then my car repair bill finally goes through and since I had taken 100 out for the pot my account goes into overdraft.  Someday I may be able to pay off my debt.  But since my previous job just went out of business suddenly and has yet to pay me, its not looking likely.  The point of this story is now I have declared I am quitting pot for a week.  Mainly for financial reasons.  I'm at day one right now.  God I am bored.  I guess I'll spend my week making an elaborate plan of how to screw that bitch over.  That'll help the boredom pass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at a Denny's restaurant at 5:30 in the morning, at the table next to me sat a middle aged woman with her two, young sons both probaly about 5 and 6 years old. Suddenly one fo them let out ae earth shattering beltch.... and both kids and myself started to giggle.... the mother.. apalled and embarrased snapped, "Johnny! what do you say?!"  to which the boy replied, "Holy Cow!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've decided that my computer and myself have a love hate relationship depending on the fact that there are only two things I use it for....surfing porn and paying bills ...one of which I love and the other I hate  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         every time i get in the elevator at work i look at the women in there.  95% of the time, im the only guy there.  and in that 95% of the time, i have seen 1 hot girl.    however, in that 5% im with someone, every single time there is a hot girl.  whats worse?  noticing it.  or bitching about it.  its not like the elevator will die anyway...  
  So it's the first day of college orientation and to break up the monotony of about 5,372 speakers, the administration has arranged for the campus improv group to come entertain us for a few minutes.   They run through a few games and then, in the spirit of audience participation, start asking us to yell out words, two-syllable words, words that rhyme with "right", etc, and writing them all down. Then one of the guys says, "So how about a word that starts with 'G'?" There is a brief pause, then a resounding voice from the middle of the rows of chairs yells out, "Jesus!"  Everyone whirls around to see who it is. As if we needed to. Sure enough, a full-ride scholarship football player. Hooray for higher education.  
  I've noticed  that they no longer put pictures of missing children on milk cartons anymore. Good. I can eat my breakfast without feeling guilty now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         going to ''pub night'' at college and coming home with an extra pack of smokes, a brand i didn't smoke, that had a lighter in it and 5-1/2 smokes, and me with no idea how it got there.  the lowbrow moment?   i've avoided going to pub night since then, in fear that someone will recognize me and beat the living shit out of me for punking their smokes.  
  there's a grocery store run by hispanics about two blocks from where i live.  they don't speak really good english, and it's usually a game of translation to figure out what we're telling each other.         one time i went in to buy some crazy glue, and couldn't find any.  so i asked the owner, "do you have any crazy glue?" and he just looked at me.  so i asked "do you have any loco glue?" and got the same response.  so i asked "do you have any demento cemento?" and the guy looked at me again.  so i tried to act out what you did with it.        the guy sold me crack.  if i knew i could get it in my neighborhood, i wouldn't have walked to 14th street.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Whenever I'm feelin sad i read from the bible. My favorite passage is Genesis 19:4 - Genesis 19:8. The passage reads  Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom - both young and old - surrounded the house. They called to Lot "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said "No my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. Look i have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them."  And everytime i read this i laugh my ass off and the world don't seem so bad.   
  Limbo, this ones for you....  Jimmy McNulty's Bonnie Scotland  http://www.cummings.demon.co.uk/index.html#start  Scottish Lowbrow......    
   The Future Of The World  I didn't even realize that my stepdaughter had come back with her mother, but when I eventually walk past her room, she's sitting, eyes glassy, staring at her computer. Me: "Hey! How was the Christmas trip to visit your folks?" Stepd: "Too far. Too many people. Way too much time." I say something consoling, but she's already forgotten I'm here. She's staring at her 12 IM windows, typing furiously away...  
  I had a bunch of songs mixed onto a CD before our trip to Toronto.  It was a nice selection of half depressing/half uplifting songs.  Nothing can compare to the feeling of speeding down the NY thruway, shouting swears and flipping off a truck driver, while Louis Armstrong reminds us What A Wonderful World...  
  last night, my roomate and i got all stoned, scrounged up the last of our change, and headed up to super america for some munchies. the fudge rounds were 3.99, before tax. we had 4$. i ran out to my car and found a dime and a few pennies on the floor, ran back inside, and bought the fudge rounds. on the way out, this guy walks up to us and starts in with his story... "blah blah trying to get the bus home, only need 34 cents blah blah" and we just start laughing. roomate stops the guy mid-sentence, and says, still laughing, "you know buddy, normally i'd lie to your face, or tell you to fuck off, but this time, you're forcing me to be completely honest. i have not one penny i could give you... and neither does he." those fudge rounds were long-gone before the first commercial break interrupted the simpsons. and my stomach hurt before the second one.  
  She was having her period. But that didn t stop us. We did it anyway. Messy sex is fine with both of us.  She was on top. She was really tight that day, tighter than usual. Made it even more fun.  When finished, she climbed off of my dick  and  the condom went with her.  All the sperm dropped out onto my belly. Yet the condom was still partially inside her.   One good yank pulled it free.   So there I was lying on my bed, cum on my stomach and a bloody condom in my hand.   We did the only thing a couple of depraved individuals like us could do...  ...laughed our asses off  Like i said Messy sex is fine with us.    
  A few guests continued drinking after the party's man of honor had begged off with a headache or some such.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  It was their first time in NYC. The teenage girls rushed into the train.  Unprepared for the sudden take off, she reached for another bar and unknowingly exclaimed, "Whoa, I guess this is a two hand job!" The other girls giggled.  You should have seen the looks they got from the men on the train.  They were hot.  
  In Columbia, one way to celebrate New Year's, other than getting drunk or high or dead, is to inflate and set flight to giant hot air balloons called "Globos" that you can buy on the street for weeks before the end of the year.  The only thing I remember is a strong sense of disorientation and a twenty square foot sphere of fire chasing my sister down a mountain.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know, as disgusting as it sounds, I bet you that a Koala Bear masterbating might possibly be the cutest thing I have ever seen...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Really now, if you're going to skanky enough to throw your cigarette butts off your balcony, grossing out all the neighbors who have to pass through the mess on the way to their cars, at least have the sense to put the top up on your convertible. If we're going to take the time to sweep up some of the mess, we're going to have to have somewhere to dump it, you know.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Whenever I drive home to San Francisco from work in Silicon Valley (usually at night), I pass by San Francisco International Airport on Highway 101, and this little nano-second strong-arm impulse seizes me.  I see myself taking the exit that I just passed by and parking the car somewhere, just somewhere.  Running up the escalators and buying the next ticket to London, Kuala Lampur, or Ibiza... walking through the terminal to the gate, the rising excitement I am unable to control.  And sitting there for, how long, an hour, ten?  Am I doing the right thing?  What and who am I leaving behind?  Do I change my mind?  Do I try to eat my decision?  Or am I already on the plane, penniless adventuress?  Before I know it, I'm trying to find parking in front of my apartment, where the frame of my little life ties me down.  
  Love...  Love is when you take it up the ass, despite the fact that you have a perfectly good pussy you're dying to use instead.  Love is when you suck it, not thinking about the fact it had been up your ass just the night before.  Love is when, the next day, you have that awkward moment in which you realize you've sucked on something that's been up your ass -- and realize you don't care.  That said, I now understand why they say only fools fall in love.  
  My uncle just gave me a nice nug of the best pot I've EVER come across, and I've been smoking for a damn long time.  Brightest green, neon I would say.  It glitters in the light.  Called it gold something or other.  The time now is 4:24.  4 minutes late.  4 cursed minutes off of 4:20.  I will smoke this on 4:20 tomorrow.  Oh yes, yes I will.  
  At the beginning of the month the food stamps would come in and the three of us would eat thick porterhouse steaks, smoked salmon, name brand cereal, and fresh vegetables.  At the end of the month we ate a mixture of elbow noodles, potatoes, onions, and flour boiled in a big pot and seasoned from the gallon jug of Lousiana Hot Sauce .  
  I made her scream out loud when we made love. She'd rarely even had an orgasm before. Still, she wouldn't get back together with me and stayed with a guy with whom the sex was less than adequate... Hey, I guess my personality is just that unattractive.  
  I was at West Towne Mall in Madison where there are no clocks on the walls.  I needed to know what time it was so I called the operator and told her I was blind and could she tell tell me what time it is.  It was a couple of minutes after 1:00.  
  Today my father found a pack of cigarets in my pants. When he asked me if I smoked, I just smiled because I couldn't find a decent excuse. I should have admitted that I also drink heavily, smoke weed/hash, do coke, dust, shrooms, acid, k, e, tina, styx and ghb. But I don't want to dissapoint my parents...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The 'Brow Leaks Back Into My Life #2  It's now long since I started splashing my entire life across lowbrow.  Fairly harmless in itself. Some moments are amusing, and I obviously fulfill some need for exibitionism or ... something-or-other, or I wouldn't do it.  I used to sometimes be genuinely spontaneous and interesting. I did.  Lately, I'm becoming dangerous and boring.  Boring, because instead of creating things to say to people, I recite my lowbrow moments verbatim. Sure, some of them are amusing, but by now they are all canned, and people can start to tell.  Especially when I forget, and tell them the same one twice, verbatim.  Dangerous, because I no longer live in the present moment.   I live in the present "moment."  Which means that I'm thinking about composing my next moment while living it.  The more outrageous, the funnier, right?   My life has lately become significantly more dangerous and awkward, trying to feed the 'Brow (seriously, why else would anyone take on the biggest of four aggressive guys, and yell in his face: " Suck my big Scottish Dick! ")  If the 'Brow ever becomes a major cultural fixture, I'm sure someone, sooner or later, will come up with a name for my current condition.  In the meantime, let's just call it the "Lowbrow Lifesuck."  Warning to all you frequent posters of 'Brow moments -- beware the  Lowbrow Lifesuck .  
  i recently bought a car from another person, not a dealer. he had given me a very good deal, and had requested cash, so i obliged. the seller seemed sketchy at best, so i was weary of carrying a few grand in cash. i started thinking what i would do if i felt threatend, i thoguht how i would take the 2x4 in the back of my friends car and hit him in the neck with it. i would continue to hit him as he fell to the ground gasping for air. then, i thought, after all that, would i take the car?  
  there's a guy at my school, Mike T. the teacher was calling off the next performers on the sign-up list, but didn't have his glasses on and couldn't read the writing. "Next drummer...um...looks like Mullet.  Anyone here named Mullet...or have a mullet perhaps?" we now call Mike T. "Mullet" ... the irony is that Mike T. is bald. i swear, all the cool nicknames are taken.  
  "Catch!", he said while my back was turned.  I spun around only to see the blue plastic mug in mid-flight. A split second later it bounced off my head.  The pain began instantly and grew slowly until it was a dull throb. My head became warm and I felt like it was melting.  "Here", he said "hold this on your head." I took the wadded t-shirt from his hands.  "Nothing bleeds like the scalp.", he said as I held the t-shirt tightly onto my head, blood dripping into my eyes.  "Mind you don't get blood on the carpet. Your mom will throw up a shit storm if you do.", my father continued.  I nodded my head and stumbled outside where he sprayed me off with a garden hose.  
  Senior year at a shitty catholic high school, a group of drinking buddies and I decided to get together for an afternoon of drinking and barbequeing. We bought a good amount of meat and a copious amount of Shiner Bock beer. There was this one girl who asked for a chicken sandwhich from Wendy's instead of a hearty steak; said she was a vegetarian. She was cute, so I thought nothing of it and got it for her.  After the Shiner, meat, and inhibitions were gone I started hitting on her. Eventually the conversation found its way to religion. She informed me it was Good Friday. It was then I realized that me and my buddies had thrown a barbeque on the one day that good catholic school boys should abstain from eating meat. I decided to end the conversation on that note and return to being belligerently drunk. I ended up dating the vegetarian; suprisingly she enjoyed sucking dick. Eventually, I broke it off with her, and by "broke it off" I mean I cheated on her 11 times.  She was a vegetarian who believed in God but ate chicken on Good Friday, enjoyed man meat, and dated a guy who threw a barbeque in honor of Jesus Christ's death. Don't feel sorry for her, she was asking for it.  
  My ex boyfriend was such a jerk that I once used his toothbrush to clean the toilet. Then I put it back in it's holder, and never said a word. I wonder if he noticed that blue tint on his teeth?        
  my cat likes to sit on my girlf and i's laps when we use the toilet, and he's gotten used to just jumping up on the toilet seat when he sees us going in there.  well i go in, lift the seat, and start to pee in the dark, only i don't hear anything hitting the water...then i hear a REEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWRRRR!!!!    turn on the light and yep...i peed on the cat.  
  In my research for the Scottish Drinking Dictionary, I did a Jeeves search for "different scottish words for drunk."  The results included one alternate suggested question: "How do I find information about Alchohlics Anonymous."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as i look over all these love letters from my ex-girlfriend (who stomped on my heart like it was a packet of ketchup), i find one in which she tells me she will be mine forever. i can't help but wonder if that's legally binding.  
        What the hell is up with lowbrow ad San Fransisco, I must have seen 30 moments tonight that refer to SF in some way or another.  From Subway nazis to orgasmic pizza, that city must have it all.  
  today a bunch of my friends and i got in a huge huge political argument it was getting really tense and mean so i decided that i should break everything up so i said "you guys, i have one thing to say that will end this whole thing and make everyone happy" they looked at me skepticly touch your sack, not iraq it worked  www.masterbateforpeace.com  
  I remember wandering around in my backyard as a kid.  One day, I noticed a discoloured bag in the yard.  I went to investigate.  Seems the dog had eaten it a while ago.  She had later gone out to shit in the yard and pooped out a pre-bagged turd.   My dog is damned efficient.  
  One time in my teens i was bored at work so i wrote "SATAN" on the front of one of the lockers in the breakroom.  They had these little tags on the front that are behind clear plastic and no one had ever thought to use them. So i figured out how to move the plastic, and wrote it in pen very neat and tidy like.  It was a week or so before i actually started using that locker. Surprising that nobody else would.  
  Due to work, holidays and a generally fucked up schedule, I hadn't taken the garbage out in something like a month.  Needless to say, It piled up rather dramatically.  So it's like seven thirty in the am and I'm hauling half a dozen garbage bags to the curb in the fucking freezing cold.  One of my neighbours sees me and, laughing his irritating laugh, says "Jesus, that's a lot of garbage! Whatcha been up to?"  For some reason, I said "Oh, you know. Chopping up hookers and shit. The usual."  I thought I was funny. In retrospect, not my brightest idea.  
  I'm 18, while working as a bus-boy in a 4 star restaurant, black and white uniforms and all and a certain level of decorum was expected: It was New Years Eve, I'm stuck working.  It's also my last night ever working there. It's obviously a busy night and yet I was determined to make it a fun night- hell, it was New Years and I was 18, right?  So on occasion I would snag a drink here and there, and even have some out of barely touched glasses from tables.  When it got late in the night, and things were winding down, I was pretty buzzed; nearly drunk.   At the bus station I'm talking with another busser, and i've got this highball in my hand that I'm drinking and we're laughing pretty loud.  This other bus-guy stops laughing and I sense something is up.  I turn around and standing there is one of our managers.  Standing there, I choke back my laughter and all I can think to say to him as I raise my glass is: "Highball?"  
  Up all night, went to sleep at 8 am.  Noon Kevin comes over, knock knock, I get up put pants on and open the door.  He's got a cold beer for me.  I promised, so we went to some really shitty country bar.  I hate country, and the people there I loathe the type and fear the induviduals.  The pool table is not true. A decent woman (therefore out of place) hangs out for 2 hours longer than her first deadline of leaving, wanting something from Kevin.  It is painful to watch because it is so obvious. He is wobbling in the chair drunk and stoned, finally gives her a phone number.  Then she goes to deal some coke or something.  Later some guy shows up putting salt in his beer.  I sip my beer through all this, wanting desperately to leave.  Just before dark I hit the street on foot.  Enormous rainstorm ensues, just after I buy a $5 rain poncho.  At least one inch of water everywhere, at times 4 to 5; lightning everywhere.  Eventually I break down and become afraid.  I walk past a tree freshly struck by lightning.  I reason that I will not win the 200 million Powerball because I was not struck by lightning while purposefully splashing down the streets.  I get a story idea from this the way people get dreams from their day.  I am stupid because I was trying.   
  you know those bamboo backscratcher dealies?  i have one that i used to masturbate with (now that i've discovered the vibrator, i have no more need for it).  well, my friend daniel touched it once.  the look on his face when i told him was absolutely priceless.  my friends dubbed it the "koochie stick".  
  watching a movie with two friends and my girlfriend. Both friends were girls too. We had all been smoking pot some and watching an Adam Sandler movie. So my girlfriend is normally pretty fucking horny , but while high , she's a monster. Low and behold my girlfriend decides to go down on me while my other friends are right next to us watchin the movie. No lie , I'm getting some right behind them and those 2 girls to this day , have no idea.  
  I learned to spell 'millennium' from a Budweiser can.        
  I bought a BMX last year, for about $500 CND. I ride it a bit, it's a good second bike.  But what I really love are the pegs, which are heavy steel tubes hanging off the axles, for standing and grinding and tricks of all kinds.  (I can't use them, or do much of anything on a BMX)  But just today, at a stoplight, some 18 year old asian kid with a rich mommy and daddy driving a BMW cut me off, turning right. His car was lowered, and even though he wasn't really in any position to hit me...  Paint and fiberglass and metal flecks flew when I jammed my pegs into the side of his car  Doublelow: I faked injury when he got out to beat me up.  
  You can lead a horse to water...but it takes one strong son-of-a-bitch to drown it.       
  The doctors smiles and examines my messed up leg.  I peek up her skirt.  
  So I'm shaving, and the electric razor/beard trimmer fell in the toilet while running. Not lowbrow enough for you? I did it while shaving my nuts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I cut the back of my hand digging my car outta the snow with a pocket knife.  Got blood on my pants.  A lot.  
  my brother and i were going to a movie, and entered the mall doors behind an older couple.  the man drops a 20 dollar bill.  i pick it up and return it to him.  when we get to the box office, he offers to buy our tickets and congratulates us on being fine, upstanding young men.  i get into the movies free because i work there so i declined, thanked him, and we parted ways.  the lowbrow part: i spent the rest of the afternoon wishing i kept the 20 bucks to spend on beer and pot.  
  I used to have an iguana named "The Big Mofo." (There was a little one, but she developed some kind of reptilian anorxia and bit the dust) Anyway, I wanted "The Big Mofo" to be the biggest mofo he could be, so I started feeding him meal worms. I accidently spilled them on a couple of occasions. I think they started breeding because I started finding them everywhere in the house, even months later. We moved out of that house seven years ago. I sometimes wonder if the meal worms have succeeded in taking over the house...   
  Wife and I were riding a crowded train and there was nowhere to sit. There was a college-aged kid who looked pale and sweaty. Suddenly, he turns and blows dinner all over two girls that were seated by where he was standing, he throws up on the leg of a businessman who was standing behind him, and he threw up all over the door and the floor. He had apparently had noodles for dinner that he handn't chewed all that well, because they were all over the place. Naturally, the car vacated and at the next stop, no one boarded that car, so looking at the empty benches and then my wife, I said, "Does this bother you?" She shook her head no, so we sat down and had a comfortable trainride the rest of the way. (except for the smell and the sight of noodles stuck to everything...)  
  When dogs rule the world will they follow us around with pooper scoopers?       
  The most beautiful girl in the world was discovered by me.  My eyes only.  I had the chance and I still have a chance for I make her smile...actually we make each other smile.  If everybody knew her she would be famous.  And I know her.  I see her.  I love her.  I just cannot do anything about it She is my manager at K-Mart.       
  I knew i would have to quit my job soon when my new boss said his favorite movie of all time was "Armageddon"        
  She was wearing a pin in support of homosexuality.  "Straight, but not Narrow," superimposed upon an inverted pink triangle.  A noble cause, it was far from a laughing matter.   But damn, was she fat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      possible list of things to buy at the store:   1. food for me  2. food for the cats 3. beer   amount of money in bank account: $9.76 to me, the choice was obvious.  but i found out that evening that cats don't like beer. oh well.  
  My name 'Neil' means "champion".  How the Hell am I supposed to live up to that?  
  my girlfriend is quite handy around the kitchen. but when she asked me if i'd like a taste of her pie, i couldn't help but laugh. some pretty good pie, though. both of them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            "What are you going to do - kick my ass?" I asked, thinking the question would expose how absurd the idea was.  "Maybe," he said.    
  I was sitting in my room today, when my throat got really dry. Both my dogs were in here, so I checked on them (both poodles). I got a drink of water and then I started looking at one of my dogs. He look at me straight in the eyes for about 5 seconds. Then he shifted his view to my crotch. Then to the door.  I got the point, and let him out.  
  i had a roomate once who told me his idea of fun was "standing on little kid's feet while peeing on their heads." i lauged at that because it was absurd.  but it isnt' really - i drew it out on a napkin and i think i can do it.  
  She's perfect I repeat to myself over, and over, and over.  She loves me. She's pretty. And she wants to do my dishes and fold my laundry. I know it's sexist, but hey, I dig the domestic calm thing.  However, with all human "perfection" therein lies the paradox of a gigantic flaw or unexpected idiosyncrasy.  I swear there are several facial expressions reserved in the unspelunked caverns of your emotion that you use once, maybe twice in your life.  A face of the purest shock coupled with the ironic smirk that only comes with years of fine-tuned, hard-boiled cynicism.   My face has never before, and will doubtfully ever, repeat this witty contortion.  The occasion? One night she says to me after explaining how much she loves to cuddle and snuggle,  "I'm really kinky, I love bondage so much."  Just call me leather daddy, baby.  (Hey at least I don't have to clean my undies.)   har.   
  m&m@hotmail.com  you cannot put m&m's on layaway at walmart u fucking dumb shit.. not only are you a liar but your a fucking retard.. it is against their policy to put any food items on layaway. how i know this?? .. well thats kinda low brow  
  Why does a guy who is 5 inches of man stick in a 9 inch vibrator BEFORE we fuck?  Does he think that's going to TIGHTEN up the cootchie? I mean hell I'm not going to complain, it feels good for me, but really that's just putting us both in for some major disapointment.  Damn, I just need to find bigger dicks to fuck...sign one you've reached TRUE whore status.  
  I went to private school because my school sucked.   The Reason: Everyone who can vote in this town is either left wing dorks who patriotically don't vote, or stupid, senile right-wing replublican seiniors. When it comes voting time for the budget, the school's budget get voted down  I left school because I was tired of the rat problem, the lack of locks on the stalls in the bathroom, the lack of any good teachers, or just teachers in general. I hate that school because everyone there is incompetent, the principal's previous job was teaching 3rd graders at a nunnery. I'd like to watch that school burn because every seinior privelage, and every interesting thing that made student life easier was removed by the bleeding heart bitch principle. Burlington High can burn to the ground.  I'm entering my seinior year at a Private school, and for the first time in my life, I enjoy school.  
  If I had the power to eliminate something from the English language, I would remove "the 'N' word". Not the actual word, but the phrase "the 'N' word".   
  June 20th, 2002.  I went swimming with my friends and my ex was along for the ride as well. The day went well. My ex dropped my roomie off and I went over to her house. We watched a movie and she hinted that she wanted some love.  "Do you want me to spend the night"? I asked (seeing I'm the one with balls).  So I spent the night. She had to get up at 4:30 AM to go to work.  I am restless. I start groping her. Hmmm.... very familliar. I liked it.  We had sex. It was sad because I was a one minute man (it's been a long time since I have had sex).  I made a hamburger and drank a Coke. It was good.  I collected my clothes. While doing so I found a used condom wrapper on her floor (she's a slob like me).  "Wow. A used condom wrapper."  "What?" She said.  "Interesting." I replied.  I left.  I have one thing to say. At least she uses condoms with other guys.  Lowbrow or what?  
  i am reading lowbrow and i have to piss luckily there is a window beside my computer  i had better look to see if the neighbors are in their backyards  "ah fuck it"  
  quote who told the fuckin greeks they could make pizza you dont see some fucking guy name anthony cranking out gyros now do ya this pizza sucks  endquote da greek pizza place in bridgeton maine        
  He stepped away, wondering I think why I ordered two half pints.  It turned out he didn't have to wait for the guiness to settle in the small glass, enabling him to be rid of me faster.  "Cheers" we said in unison.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Before I tell you what i've done, let me give you a bit of back ground information on my wonderful neighbors.  they are a christian family of four. the father teaches at the local college. in fact, he was my teacher for western civ 1 and 2. i don't know what the mother does. a housewife maybe. the only time I've seen her is driving away from thier house. i've never seen her return. the older child, the son is maybe in college now. the younger daughter is maybe in junior high or high school  among many many things they do that annoy me, a few are: i always get strange looks from them as i enjoy my morning beer/coffee cigarette. and get strange looks as i'm working in my yard. they have a lot of cats, and I don't think any of them are 'fixed' because they keep breeding and so they have more and more cats that roam the nieghborhood and POOP in my yard. I hate this with a passion. Walking through the dew grass in the early morning enjoying my cigarette and beer/coffee.. and then i step in cat poop.   So, I got a little sandbox shovel and I've been picking up the poop and throwing it in their yard. I've been doing this for about 2 weeks now.   Well, yesterday I was outside minding my own business smoking a cigarette and the father comes over and says to me, "You're setting a bad example for my kids. Please don't drink and smoke in front of them"  Well FUCK YOU, chap. your kids stare at me while I'm in MY yard. YOUR son comes to the fence and talks to me.   This was the last fucking straw. I mean shit, i'm a good neighbor. I don't throw parties. I don't play music loud. When I'm actually here, i'm either sitting on my computer, or in the yard working. get a grip, sir.  What i did was... just moments ago.... at 1am...  I dropped trou and pooped in thier yard.   Sure, it doesn't solve anything... but it sure was the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. My poop sitting in the middle of thier yard, waiting on the father to step in it as he gets his mail.  This was perhaps more beautiful than the time I pooped between the pitcher's mound and home plate of my old high school's baseball field.  
  I don't eat at 'Waffle House' restaurants...ever.  This is my father's story.  They were out early working and stopped in at a Waffle House in rural South Carolina.  The cook was obviously still drunk from the night before.   They were watching him weave slowly back and forth over the griddle when suddenly he vomits right onto the hot surface.  Time stopped.  They all watched in horror as the vomit started to cook up and solidify. The cook, unphased, takes his spatula and professionally folds up the vomit omelette and deposits it in the trash.  They decided to find a McDonalds instead.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at Ozzfest, which is one big lowbrow moment. And after smoking some massive joints with the 14 year olds sitting next to us, but before system of a down came on...me and my friend went to visit the port-a-johns.  We got in line to wait. And this drunken asshole walks right up to one of the johns, starts pounding on the door, screaming...  "I know you're in there, you fuckin bitch"  "Git yo ass outta there right this second"  This guy was almost too drunk to stand up. and he keeps pounding and yelling for about 5 minutes. I was doubting that someone was even in the john.  Until this woman walks walks out, evidently his wife.  and following her...  A man, evidently his brother.  But even better.....the guy at the front of the line walked right into the tainted stall and shut the door.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         coworker: Man, what is that smell. It smells delicious.  me: What does it smell like?  coworker: Chile.  me: Oh, I farted.  coworker: No, it smells like chile.  me: Yea, I had chile for supper last night.   moment of silence........  Coworker inhales deeply. His stomach starts growling.   coworker: Wow, that must have been some good chile to come out the other end smelling like that.  
  i think i am looking for some kind of gratification in adult chat rooms. makes me furious at my husband for not keeping up.       
  The best dog/name combination I ever heard was a dachshound named "Flippy". Especially when the little dog would come running with his little ears flapping.        
  stumbling around in college park one night with a couple friends. on our way to a party on the third floor, i think. on the second floor somebody stopped.   two used condoms and a dirty diaper in the middle of the carpeted hallway.  i didn't have a damn thing to say.  
    What is that on my lip?  It looks like a chunk of hamburger, but I don't eat meat.  Sometimes is leaks this yellowish liquid.  It is kind of embarassing.  Maybe I will get a needle and try to pop it, but I don't know if it is the type of thing that will pop or not.  I will keep you posted.  
  So my family and I are watching the Grey Cup (that's the CFL version of the Super Bowl, for all ignorant yanks). My Mom pipes up "That's a very black man! His skin is *so* dark!" Not in a racist way, just like "hey, that man is darker than your average black man" way. Two seconds later, from my little brother: "Mom, that's his shirt sleeve". I'm never watching sports with my Mom again.  
  Throw enough shit at a wall and eventually some of it sticks. This is the underlying theory behind lowbrow.com  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Great Aunt Cam didn't want the guy who has always made the family's headstone carvings to die or stop his business before she died.  What did she do?  She had her gravestone made.  It's in the cemetary next to the other Shores.  No deathdate.  We had this eighty-five year old lady with a stomach aneurism ready to blow who smaokes and drinks more than me lay in front of her tombstone in the cemetary with a cigarette in her hand.    My family is classy.  Sure is.  
  My dad taught me everything he knew about bartending.  In Scotland.  That meant that, sure, you always put off-brand whisky in the brand-name bottles...  ...but it also meant that when any liquor bottle emptied, it was stored upside-down with its cork in for a week.  On Sunday, he would go down to the cellar with a pint glass, take the "empty" bottles one at a time and, without turning them upright, would pull the cork out over the pint glass and catch what came out -- usually half an ounce or more.  When finished, he would add a half-bottle of black rum to the cocktail, and pour all of it into a black rum bottle.  This procedure paid for his cigarettes for the week.  His rationale: "Anybody who orders black rum deserves what they get."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was applying for a job as a cab driver with duke cab in '97.  i met the owner of the company outside of the cincinnati license bureau. he is the only person who has ever looked at my resume and said 'what the fuck is this for?'  i mean, not that my resume is anything near spectacular, but i think that my alarm bells should have been ricocheting of the insides of my skull at that point...   
  Back when I was at school my English teacher said, in an attempt to quieten down a noisy class:  "There's no need for a mass debate"  We all laughed.  
  my friend's Guy on The Couch was really drunk:  "you know, i just have a preference for women's clothes. i'm not gay or anything, although i'm not saying that being gay is bad, and i'm not a transexual or anything either, but i just think that the stuff girls can wear is just so much more exciting that what guys can wear... there's just so many choices that aren't even available to us usually. take, for instance, what i'm wearing now. [tiny black top with "dollface" inscribed over the chest in cheap rhinestones and glitter] it says 'dollface,' but i clearly am not a dollface. i have a beard for christ sakes, and i'm a fucking badass looking guy for the most part. but the fact that you could call me 'dollface,' that catches people off guard."  yeah... right.   i think its more like his winning personality, and inability to shut up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's this woman I work with who is scheduled to have fat surgery, you know, where they reroute your intestines somehow and then you can hardly eat anything so you lose weight.  All she could talk about day after day was how handsome the surgeon is, blah blah blah, calling him by his first name.  She even brought in a photo she'd printed out from the medical group's website.  (She was right about one thing...he was too goodlooking to be human.)  She hung up the photo above her desk so that she could gaze at him at all times.  But then one day she showed up for work completely bummed, dejected big time, as if she'd just been dealt one of life's cruelest blows.  It turns out that Dr. Marvelous is married.     I couldn't help it, I had to say, "Now let me see if I get this right.  This guy is going to cut open your enormous marshmallow belly, get through the mounds of fat to work on your intestines...and you think the only thing standing between the two of you is his WIFE???!!!!  Someone had to say it, why not me?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were out at a bar.  Hanging out.  Talking.  Cracking on each other.  We decided to order a round and toast to old times.  We ended up chugging to old times.  Kevin offered Rozik a dollar if he would puke in the pitcher.  Rozik filled the pitcher, threw the barf over the wall, and then put the pitcher on some other guys' table.  I've never been so confused and awestruck at the same time.  Sometimes a dollar can go a long ways. Rozik just bought a slim jim.  
  I was walking out of the video store one afternoon, just minding my own business when I reached into my pocket to pull out my wallet and I felt something gooey.   I pull out my wallet and find a condom that I kept in there had exploded.  It fell to the ground.  People of various ages were all walking around me as I stepped on the condom to block it from sight.  I had a sticky shoe the rest of the day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my "dear" friend misty went to paris for a weekend this summer.  she thought it would be a good idea to try and speak french to the native parisians.  she wanted to ask her waitress at a little cafe if she spoke english.  but, unfortunately the words that came out of her mouth were "parlez vous ingles?"  a haphazard mix of french and spanish that sounds like "do you speak ice cream?" to the french.  
  we were in the wrong kind of pub for bikers - plush carpets, leather furniture, expensive (piss-poor) beer - but the place was full to the brim of very attractive young ladies. with practiced ease we seperated two from the herd & cornered them for the kill. Trev, always quicker on the up-take than myself, soon figured out that we were merely being tolerated because, as English gentlemen, we would not allow them to buy drinks. one of them mentioned that she had done some modeling work. "what, modeling gloves ?" Trev replied. un-surprisinglywe got no where - partially due to Trev's comment & partially due to the fact that i laughed so hard at it that beer shot out of my nose - & landed on both of them  
  No. I did not spoon with a girl in a puddle of my own vomit on my floor.  We only made out for a while.  We at least moved to the bed for the cuddling.  
  I had this weird dream where Dr. Carter (from E.R.) and I had sex.  It was textbook sex, like the kind you might expect from a doctor. Afterwards he carefully wiped his penis with some kind of surgical cloth and insisted that I do the same to my vagina.  His movements were exact. It was so very clinical. And he wouldn't let me smoke afterwards.  
  Okay. So this doctor goes into work one day at the hospital, and his first patient of the day is a man with a badly bleeding nut sack. It s torn to pieces. Being in such bad shape, the doctor calls in a colleague to assist him. The doctors that are tending to him ask the bleeding man what happened. He refuses to tell them. They realize he s missing a testicle. They notice staples in the remains of his bleeding nut sack. They ask again what happened. He refuses to tell them, still. Thinking the man had been the victim of some sort of perverse abuse, they tell him they ll have to call the police to report this to them. So he breaks down and tells them what happened.  The man works in a factory of some sort that has a network of conveyor belts. He finds out that by laying his penis on the belt he can be stimulated into orgasm. So he goes about this in a private corner of the facility on a regular basis. Until one day a minor malfunction in the belt operation results in his testicles getting caught in the gear mechanism of the belt, which tears his scrotum to pieces and takes a testicle off. So (and this is the lowbrow part), the stupid fuck doesn't know what to do. He can't bring himself to tell his coworkers what happened out of embarrassment. He runs to the empty office and staples his nut sack back together. He decides to wait it out and see what happens. THREE DAYS LATER after he can no longer bear the pain, the asshole of our story finally goes to the hospital. The doctors said he might have to have the other nut removed due to infection from the staples and dirt of the belt. No one, and I mean no one, may have ever done anything as lowbrow as this.  You might not believe this one, but apparently it's as good as the word of Christ (bad analogy, maybe).  
  There were these two really cute girls in middle school who used to ask me for my phone number and pretend they were gonna call me.  They never did - turns out it was just their way of teasing me.  About fifteen years later, on my way to work (computer job, paid pretty damn good, all things considered...) I stop to get gas and cigarettes...one of them is working the counter at the gas station.   I guess thats where all of your good looks got you, eh sweetheart?  Call me!   
  driving around the neigborhood in the last few weeks, i've seen squirrels crossing the powerlines that intersect the street.  i'd been wondering, do they ever fall ?  do they land on their feet like cats ?  which lead to wondering why i've never seen one dead in the road.  now in the last day and a half i've seen two smashed on asphalt, and watched from my balcony one fall from a tree to the road below, instanly obliterated under tire.  having learned the answer i'm learning to stop asking questions.  
  After spending late-night hours on the 'phone, calling in all my cop-favours, and getting 26 cruisers looking for her, my stepdaughter actually seems somewhat chastised and thoughtful. Her friends arrive to pick her up for a movie, driving a gorgeous old VW Bug. She comes over to my motorhome hesitantly, and asks permission to leave (that's a first). I give her instructions on what to tell my son, like play by himself because he's been a pig all day. I wait for her to come back out, then call her over: "Oh, one more thing." She walks up close, and I punch her on the shoulder, saying: "Punch-Buggy white - no punch back!" She: "Oh! That's not fair!" Violence against women. So sue me.  
  after looking at net porn late last night, I had a really ripping wet dream! my first emission in weeks, oh my poor balls...        
  at an ultra-hip coffee bar listening to a friend's band play, i get the shits. luckly i am in a place where the only markings on the doors look very arabic. i pick the shorter of the two words and use that bathroom, assuming it means men. i decide to give a curtesy flush while im going. the toilet is clogged and shit pours out all over the floor, my pants and i have poop on my dick. my pants are soaked. creak. the door opens. two ladies enter. one steps in the pool of water on the floor and they both shreek and leave. i am sitting with my pants wet with piss water, poop on my dick and im in the women's bathroom. no wonder there weren't any urinals.   
  I go into this burger joint/diner almost every weekend. I notice there's this really old dude sitting at the counter - having just a soda, but he also has this artist portfolio of sketches and stuff. He's touching up this one sketch of a girl with a charcoal pencil.  So he's a lonely art dude.  Then I notice him next week and I also see he's working on a picture that's already matted. then I notice the picture is like 30 years old, kinda dog eared and dingy.  Finally I realize this guy is really lonely but he's not even an artist, he just sits and pretends to touch up the same sketches over and over.  For years.  Kinda sad.  
  Worked at a chain record store one year after dropping out of college.  In ten months I 'fake - rang - in' and pocketed over $18,000 in cash.  It was an elaborate scheme and I spent this money on my friends in every unsavory manor imaginable.  Not unlike some Dark Robin Hood.  I finally got fired because my drawer was $15 short one night.  WHEW!  
  In New Orleans the cab drivers actually talk to you. One recommended we visit the aquarium, he claimed it was the biggest and best in the world. He also told us they gave him and his family free tickets.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  When I was little, one of my cousins dared me to see how many peas I could cram up my nose.   Fifteen.   Per nostril.  
    F lying  I nto  C loud  C over   &quot;West Wing&quot; episode, where the challenger walks up to the  president and concedes the election, saying: &quot;When young pilots fly into cloud  cover, they look at their instruments, but they don't trust them. You'd be  amazed how many young pilots come out of clouds upside down. I concede.&quot;   Been there. Done that, but worse. I get to fly a jet fighter  trainer exactly once. We're in heaven, literally. We're skipping along the tops  of clouds at 600mph, making sure we don't hit any angels.   Pilot, sitting next to me, gives me the controls! I'm   SIXTEEN!  I'm flying a jet fighter! (actually just a Jet Provost -- a  subsonic two-seat trainer, but it was a fuckin'  JET ).   I fly over the cloud landscape at low level, taking on the  clouds as if they were Scottish mountains, and I had to stay below the radar.  The pilot murmurs appreciation, and encourages me.   I get a little wild (hey,  I'd only been flying a fucking JET  for ten minutes!), and crash into a cloud-mountain. Total grey outside. I'm  cool -- I've been studying instrument flying. Piece of cake. I get us  horizontal, then turn us up a ways, to get out of the cloud.   We break out of the cloud, heading straight towards the ground.  I pull the stick up as hard as I can, and pass out with the G-force.   I come to. We're in bright sunlight, at 12,000 feet, heading  upward.    Pilot: &quot;That's high enough. Level it out.&quot;   Me: &quot;I still have the stick?!?&quot; I passed out!&quot;   Pilot: &quot;Oh! I didn't notice. Anyway, level it off here...&quot;       
  When you're still a young sexually frustrated young man living at home, you tend to masturbate alot.  When you masturbate alot you tend to try different ways of doing said act.  I tried out this new lube I found in a cabinet in one of the bathrooms, 'Honey Gelee' it was called.  It sure got the job done, but I noticed a weird occurrence after going at it after a while, the lube became even more lubricant after a while.  I was sure enjoying this new lube.  Anyways after I completed the sinful act, I decided I was too tired to really clean up, I just used a sock to its fullest extent and went to sleep.  The next day I was feeling proud of myself.  I just found the perfect lube, the smell seemed to stick around, but that wasn t an issue.  When I took the morning pee, it burned bad.  It was the worst pain I had ever felt.  I thought to myself, did I just give myself some kind of STD?  I was scared but the pain went away in a few minutes.  I then thought maybe I gave myself a rash or tore my pee hole while pleasuring myself, so I decided not to masturbate for a few days.  Two days later, I haven t showered since the original masturbating event.  Still burning when I urinated, maybe even a worse pain every time.  I still was thinking that I had masturbated too much and needed a break.  Later that day my balls were itching rather badly, every time I itched them some wear film would come off of them.  This wasn t frightening as you might think, it was actually relieving.  Soon the relieving was felt so much as slight irritation.  I was getting really scared.  I decided this needed further inspection; I looked at my balls and noticed they were peeling as if they were sun burnt.  I also noticed that where I sad I had left a small pile of balls skin.  I then realized what had to be done; I had to wash my balls.  I hadn t showered in three days and it was already too late in the day to shower. I quickly put my balls in the sink, but something strange happened, they started to form suds and bubbles.  This is quite strange I thought to myself, and decided to check the original lube 'Honey Gelee'.  Looking further on the bottle; the front says nothing different than normal hand lotion, I checked the back.  "Honey gelee for use in the shower or bath."  Oh shit I masturbated with body soap.  My dick was now starting to peel too.  I knew what had to be done, get out some regular hand lotion, these fuckers are dried out; Lotion, do your intended job and moisturize the fuck out of this dried out skin.  So after applying liberal amounts of lotion on the crotch area it started to feel really good.  You can guess what happened next (hand lotion plus cock and balls in hand add massaging motion etc.).  Thankfully, the itching and the peeling soon went away.  And I was quite happy with myself, no doctors or parents needed.  And that my friends is the first time I needed to masturbate to save my life.   
  wait a minute you told her all he could muster was a feeble fake smile then tommy bashed in four of his teeth  why would you wanna provoke a drunk unless you liked the pain  oh right         
  i was a vegetarian all through high school. the reason i'm not anymore? lincoln, nebraska, 1993: i couldn't afford to not eat mcdonald's 39 cent hamburgers. bastards got me for a little while, but i've been off the mc crack for some time now.  
  Ahh, the irony of it all...  I was just called a punk-ass bitch by a computer who doesn't even know me! Strangely enough, that's the second time today, even stranger, the first time was by a person that also barely knew me.   Makes for interesting conversation, sometimes that is.   
  very often, i tend to get depressed and realize my life is completely meaningless...today is one of those days...i skipped my class this morning bc i was still drunk from last night (drinking by myself) and sat around doing nothing but lowbrow and watch tv all day, and am currently awaiting a phonecall that will indicate it is time to smoke up and be at peace...when i'm in these moods i like to look at my roomates and all the other overachievers who go to my college...they do their best always get their hw done and shit, look forward to their bright futures...then i decide i'm not pathetic, i'm just realistic...this really is all there is to it, so get high, get drunk, get laid, have fun while you can because, yes, life will suck this much forever...  
  Ever feel the urge to eat your own cum while masturbating, yet it seems revolting when it actually comes time to do it?   Don't worry, you're not the only one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wonder what the CVS clerk was thinking as I  put a tube of Astroglide and a box of pregnancy tests on the counter.  
  I missed my mark and sent a stone into the window of a local caf .  Luckly I know the owner and did the right thing and contacted him to replace the window.  The Window only had a small chip in it. Well the fucker does not call me for a month about the repair.  Sudenly he leaves a message at my place that I need to fix his window or he might need to take legal action. Rather than getting my honest help he just found a way to wast his time in court. Stupid Fuck.  
  I was visiting New York and I went into a bar. There was only one other guy in there, obviously drunk out of his mind. He started talking to me. Told me his name was Dan, then proceeded to ramble on for the better part of an hour. Suddenly he looked at his watch, yelled "Oh, SHIT!" and jumped up. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I have to be over at CBS to do the news in 20 minutes!" he said as he staggered toward the door.  
  Full disclosure: Jesus Christ is concerned about your genitals.  He's quite concerned about whether you see other people's genitals, and whether other people see yours, and He's even more concerned about what you say about or do with your genitals or those of others.  He's especially concerned about quasi-legal contracts which give people quasi-rights to each others' genitals.  It's not that I'm against this; I love Christ.   But I don't believe in being coy about the tenets of my religion.  
  Sitting at my desk, trying to finally get some work done...  ...trying to ignore the fact that I have to take a sphincter-ripping shit...  ....when a sneeze comes out of nowhere and now I don't have to take that shit anymore.  Guess I am going 'bareback' for the rest of the day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         looking through my closet, i happen upon a pair or pink pants from hollister. ugh.  i decide to make them fit for me to wear. i rip them up and examine the effect. not enough. i look around for something else i could do to them. i spot some red hair dye. fire engine kinda red.  i grin and start randomly rubbing the dye into the pants.  after a couple minutes, i look down and realize just what part of the pants i'm rubbing red dye into. oops. oh well. i'm still wearing them.  
  I look at alot of porn, & like to masturbate alot. My desk that my comp is on (& Where I masturbate) is next to my closet door. For a couple of months I would sling the jiz onto the closet door. Now there's shitloads of orange/brown drizzles all over my white closet door, don't ask me how the cum turned brown/orange but it did.  When my parents ask about it, I say it's orange juice  
  ambulance lingo.... F.I.D.O.  stands for "fuck it, drive on"  its said when they drive up onto a fender bender where no one is hurt  
  reading lowbrow and listening to Bach. Actually put me in a trance. Just realized i've been sitting here for 20 minutes. CD is finished and i haven't clicked my mouse. Just staring at the rubber duckies, feeling very happy and content.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The frat guy living across the hall from me cam home drunk again.  He rolled off of his loft while sleeping and hit his head on the ladder on the way down. No stitches. No blood. No bruising. His left eyebrow was missing though.  Knocked clean off.  Strangest thing I've ever seen.  
  Note to self: never use the phrase "When I was addicted to Meth" on a first date, or they don't come back from the "bathroom".  
  a nameless friend of mine was recently fucking some girl he met, doggy style.  for reasons neither him nor anyone else understand, he picked up the family portrait off of her nightstand, and proceeded to spank her with it. he says she liked it, at least.  
  he exclaimed "even though it ended shitty as hell and she broke my heart it was still a really good run, dontcha think?" to which i replied "yeah man, but that still doesnt take away from the fact thats she's a fucking crazy-ass ho" ... "yeah, you've got a point"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I never throw up as a result of drinking too much.  I'm 5'4.  I'm a slim to average weight girl.  I can have 8 shots of tequila in an hour and pass out without vomiting.  My 21st birthday is coming up next week, and all I've learned so far is that I am not drinking nearly enough.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So i'm pretty hairless over my upper body, and i can't grow a beard worth a damn.  I've got nice hair on my legs, soft and curly, not too thick.  But my pubic hair... perfect.  A mighty lion's mane, long and thick and soft, and with a festive happy trail.  
  When you are in an accident and in the seconds before the impact you think you're going to die, believe me; your life does not pass before your eyes as everyone says. You don't feel regret for all you have not done. You don't feel sadness that you are leaving life.  You think, "This is it." very calmly and lose consciousness.  
  Someone once said to me, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." Later that night, I beat the shit out of that person. Real bad. "I don't hate the game. I play the game. I like the game. I just hate you."  
  I whack off about 5 times a day so that almost every night I can last long enough to get my wife off 5-6 times  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Impromptu Haiku:  all those oreos  are like tainted snowdrifts  when I fucking puke         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Driving along some back roads in Nova Scotia on a beautiful fall day, I was struck with a very urgent need to shit.  I knew this wasn't going to be pretty, so this ruled out pulling off the road and ducking behind some bushes.  About a mile or so on we saw a sign for a diner a few miles ahead.  "I think I can make it", I thought.  We squealed into the parking lot and I bolted into the rather small and fairly busy establishment.  The waitress, somewhat alarmed at my hasty entry, just pointed at a door when I asked "Bathroom?".  Thank God it was vacant.  My bowels literally exploded 9 seconds later into what sounded like a porcelin microphone, and lasted for a good ten  minutes.  The accompanying smell would embarass a skunk.  After my internal organs readjusted themselves after such a violent expulsion, I cleaned myself up as best I could and opened the window in the bathroom as far as it could go.  Emerging from the bathroom I knew by the stares I got from everyone in the place that they knew exactly what went on in there.  I noticed that two people that were sitting at a table near the toilet when I went in had changed seats.    I felt guilty about just barging in there like that without having been a customer, so I bought a glass of milk on the way out.  The diner didn't have any paper cups, only glass, so I had to stand at the counter and drink it.  
  This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.  Delivery to the following recipients failed.         oingoboingo@yahoo.com    Reporting-MTA: dns;hotmail.com Received-From-MTA: dns;mail.hotmail.com Arrival-Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2001 04:25:42 -0700  Final-Recipient: rfc822;oingoboingo@yahoo.com Action: failed Status: 5.0.0 Diagnostic-Code: smtp;554 delivery error: dd This user doesn't have a yahoo.com account (oingoboingo@yahoo.com) - mta538.mail.yahoo.com  I sent mail re: a moment posted by oingoboigo@yahoo.com.  Got this back in return.  Bah - use your real email addresses people!  Or if you don't want ppl to know who you are, start up one purely for anonymous lowbrow moments.  geez.   
  okay. I grew up in Long Island New York. Everywhere I have traveled since people refer to it as Lawn Guy-land. and i have even seen that reference here. but i have NEVER heard a native pronounce it that way. sure i tawk with my cawfee, but it is long-island. very simple.  what's wrong with you people?  
  johnny a was a big guy huge some might say his overweight carcass came into work one day we worked together in a factory that printed wrapping paper with toxic chemicals so that perfume bottle boxes would look slick as ice he hated his job he hated his wife he loved his kids he worked 20plus hours a day half in this hellish osha nightmare factory half as a security guard  he told me one day over coffee that the factory could be sued if someone got hurt cos they didnt have proper saftey guards on the winders winders ar the monsterous machines that wind two ton rolls of paper all day his wife had another baby i watched him jam his arm into the machine and break it in 11 places under a roll of oscar de larenta paper i called him a week later hes collecting disability suing the company and still working as a security guard cos his kid needs infamil thats committment       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After drinking some whiskey in college, I was feeling romantic and went out to the park with the girl I had started seeing.  We kissed and I leaned towards her like I was dipping her or something.  "You are going to drop me", she said.  And then I did.        
  Not sure how to explain this.  I scared off a really cool girl the other day in a chatroom by suddenly throwing my grammar into 1st gear at 50 mph.  Something like this:  me:  what kind of food do you like?  her:  mostly thai.  or chinese.  do you like chinese food?  me:  me like  her:  what?  me:  me like.  her:  why are you talking that way?  me:  what way me talk?  She was freaking out and I couldnt stop giggling.  After a few I finally said:  me want to meet you.  She disconnected.  There is no punchline.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend has all of the "boy band" CDs, but if someone flips through his CD case and questions him about them, he says they belong to his girlfriend. He doesn't have a girlfriend. He doesn't even have girl friends.  
  I met this guy at a bar and we went to his friends apartment. We started making out and he went down on me. After I got off, he asked for me to reciprocate. I told him it was late and I had to go home.   Then I made him walk to me to my car and left without so much as a goodbye.   
  Lowbrow moment:  In the midst of puberty, masturbation had become a chore, girls were not an option yet b/c they didn't put out at that age...damn.  Scoured through ideas, lubes-old, porno magazines-old, maybe buy a pocket vagina from the back of one of these magazines?  Nah, I'm too young.  Then I got a strange idea, I could put catnip on my penis and a cat would lick it off.  This did not work, but I just had to let the world know, I apologize to myself for even trying; understand I was jonesin' THAT BAD.  And add creativity to that mixture and you have a dangerous mind.  
  So I bought my first car, for &pound;25, and taught myself to drive, first just around campus, but then out on the road. Purty good, 'cept there are some things that a driving instructor might have saved me from. Like the time I was parked next to a Citroen Deux Chevaux (crappy little lightweight -- "Deux Chevaux" means "two horses"). I didn't realize that when you turn while reversing, the front of the car goes in the opposite direction. My tank of an Austin A35 completely took out the side of the Deux Chevaux, without suffering a scratch. I panicked, and took off. Never was caught. Fast forward 25 years, and I'm reversing into a spot at the bottle store to drop off empties. Crunch. Somebody's rear-view mirror. This time, I don't panic. I unload my empties, get paid for them, and then take off. Next time I'm there, the counter guy comes up and tells me I smashed his girlfriend's mirror. Me: "I THOUGHT I heard a crunch! I looked but didn't see anything." He gave me the benefit of the doubt, I think...  
  man, if you think you've tried some crazy drugs, I've got something much weirder than that.  We were at disneyland at gradnight.  The night where disneyland says, "fuck it, lets open our park to just teenagers in the middle of the night"  Well long story short, someone bet me to drink the water on it's a small world.  You know that bright green liquid your boat floats in.  Well I dipped my hand in the water and cupped just a sip.    The water didn't do anything at first, but it hit me quick.  I was totally going insane on that ride... those clicking eyelid children still kinda freak me out to this day.  I was sick for most of the night... but man my friends sure had a good laugh that night at my expense.  
  I'm diabetic.   When I want to con my boyfriend into doing something for me, all I have to do is threaten to binge on oreos and coke. Works all the time =)        
  Economically desperate, I stoically resolved to BEG for a job bussing/washing dishes the next day. Then I went outside for a quick smoke. One of those loud transients was shouting something a couple hundred feet away; something about "blah-blah-blah-blah that's how you want to spend your LIFE???! As a Bus-Boy???!"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         21/01/02  ...and that, my friends, is how you make sausage.  
  Things I would tell my 12 year old self with my current wisdom  Under no circumstances should you drink alcohol. It will be the bane of your existence for the rest of your life. When Joel suggests you steal from his parent's liquor closet, don't -- you will regret every single drink afterward.  Smoke pot instead.  Don't dump Jen for Heidi. Jen is the genuine article, Heidi is a whore.   Major in English and History. Go to law school.   Fuck every single chick you can (I did) so I have great stories to tell.   When you're in Boston at age 27, go back to the hotel room with the Icelandic Air air crew -- you won't regret it.  Monica is the only one you can trust to back you up. Trust her implicitly.   
  the two cab drivers I had to choose from were both  asleep; one slumped in a bench outside the terminal  and one leaning back in the driver's seat and snoring  up at the ceiling of his car.  I was having difficulty  deciding on which one to give a fare when I noticed that  the one still inside his cab had his neck stretched out  and exposed in such a way that one could imagine it  might attract the attention of a random murderous throat  slitter walking by who would be pathalogically unable to  resist the overwhelming desire to cleave its fragile  countour thereby releasing a glorious fountain of blood.   I got in his cab pretty convinced I had just saved a man's  life.  
  one time i threw up in a parking lot and a bunch of seagulls dive bombed me and the started eating it.  
  Here we see the recreational habits of the great warbling bostonian.  This redheaded doofus can be seen imbibing on smokey delights from the earth.  This bostonian is hoping to lure wildlife into the back yard by baiting a small patch of grass with hour old pasta that was left in order to smoke.  Too stoned to re-heat it and just chow down.   Afterwards, shock sets in when he realizes a skink might find this bounty.  Too stoned to actually clean up, it is left on the ground.    Lowbrow:  My roommate's clothes are drying on a line out there.  I don't really like her, so I don't really care.  Who needs some drama?  I do, I do!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When my girlfriend told me she was on her period, I said "Oh boy, blow job week". She wasn't impressed....not in the least.  
  It was about midnight at a party I was attending, and there wasa line devolping in front of the bathroom. Not a long line, mind you. But one that had much potential  "There's someone in there. We think she's puking, but she won't answer our questions since she may be too embarrassed." I'm told. "Tell you what...for 5 bucks, go in there and see what's up."  "No", I say. "She admitted that she get's sick even after 3, so let's let her be."  The pool goes up to $10 for me to check on her  $20 later, I do the deed. I open the door ever so slowly, as not to scare her. Nothing. No sound...no yelling.  I peek around the door and all I see is ASS. Nothing but ASS in all its glory. Turns out, she passed out while going to the bathroom, fell over onto the tub side on her stomache (about a foot in front of her) , and her ass was sticking straight up in the air  She had pretty purple undies and I was 20 bucks richer   
  he was hammered all he kept saying was quote my name is indigo montoya you have killed my father prepare to die enquote i laughed everytime and i replied with that friend drunk or no is my man         
  Why is it that the gorgeous blond-haired model types that dig rock radio DJ's are always infested with the VD?  Because they got the VD from other rock radio DJ's that got the VD from gorgeous blond-haired model types.   At least they give ME advance warning.  
  Shopping in the East Village today when I overhear this from two white thirtysomethings: "Isn't it so funny that I bought a rap album today?" "You're always doing weird stuff like that."  
  this y chromosome is a goddamned beautiful thing.  i can go a couple days without showering or shaving and it seems like i almost get more attention from girls.  if most girls i know went a few days without showering or shaving anything and then went out...  it just doesn't work.  being a guy rules.  
  Talk about a bad day.  I woke up this morning late for work.  Only to find that i had locked my kees in the car.  I got to work obviously late.  I was walking in the door and I caught me shirt on the handle and it ripped.  I then went to my desk only to find a letter from my boss saying come see me when you get here.  So ripped shirt and all I walk in his office.  There are about four other people in there with him that i have never seen before,  needless to say I was a bit embaressed.  But I heald my head up high and walked in, just then I bumped into the shelf and knocked all of the papers off.  I went home that day saying I felt sick.  
  A friend of mine once pissed in a cup in the middle of a fast food restaurant.  The real feat was not in his doing so in a restaurant full of people, it was in his ability to stop mid-stream, get another cup and finish the job.  I guess it takes a lot to impress me.  
  "...if he does, he can lick the sweat off of the proverbial nutsack."  I couldn't think of anything to say for the rest of the elevator ride.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If ducks could type and could spell, would they type intellegent sentences, or just "quack quack"?   
  Delivery --------  My wife gets delivery she can afford it  I answer the door but she's paying for it  the guy with the food is short always shorter than me  A product of third world nutrition stunted and wiry  his eyes dart around the place and rest on my wife  blonde and smoking a cigarette  I pay for the food tip well  tell them good night and wonder if anyone jizzed in my food  
  Dude...I was smoking up one time.  True story.  I wasn't feeling the effects, so I popped a Certs to ditch the smell. Then, out of nowhere, it hits me.  That was some potent shit.  It started as a giggle, grew to a chuckle, then blazed into a full out laughing fit. Remember that Certs?  Well...during one of my quick and infrequent inhalations between laughs, it got sucked to the back of my throat.  Next step was the trachea, the down to the left lung. As I was laughing, I was describing this to my companions, insighting further laughter from me.  I thought this was all terribly funny. Suddenly, and without warning, A tingling sensation began in the vicinity of the Cert.  A thought screamed through my mind, making me laugh even more.  I immeadiatly relayed this thought to my stoned chums.  Here's what I managed to get out: "It's releasing it's Retsin"  
  Last week my mother told my brother that he probably loves camping simply because he was conceived during a camping trip in New Hampshire.  I started to wonder about my love of theater, but thought better of asking about it.  
  Just for a change, late Saturday night I go instead to the upscale pick-up bar.  Place is packed, but for some reason the table on the stage is empty.  I sit up there on my own, perfectly happy to look over the crowd, as it goes through its frantic late-night anthropological mating rituals.  Three barmaids.  Two are sperm-fed chesty blondes, flirting with everyone, wasting time, and doing a lousy job.   They're not even sharing their tips with the third barmaid, who is rather stern and unsmiling, with no makeup, boy-length brown hair, shirt and jeans.  She: "Want another?"  Me: "Thanks, but I'm done. Can you take a compliment?"  She, warily: "Sure..."  Me: "It'll sound like a come-on, but I'm actually leaving." Then, loud enough for the two sperm-spittoons to also hear: "You are absolutely the most interesting woman here"   Bulls-eye.  Two blonde strawberry mouths drop open.  The stern one's eyes sparkle, and I get a smile that would melt an iceberg. I tip my hat and leave.  You can call it an unselfish, kind act  if you like.  I call it "priming the pump."  
  put a bee in the freezer for 1 min and it will be unconscious  tie dental floss around it and when it comes to you have a pet on a leash  thank you ethan  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend shot the car driving next to us with a really power bb gun.  He hit it about 3 times.  At the light this woman rolls down her window and asks if we just shot her car.  We asked what the hell she was talking about.  "Oh, well I'm sorry for asking."  Hahaha.  People will believe anything.  
  I went to ladeefrickingda's website. I told my friends about this one picture of a penis she rated, the picture looked like a man had a large clitoris and that is all. I laughed and my friends laughed. A minute after we stopped laughing I realized I just told my friends I looked at pictures of penises which were rated. I think I just told you all too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Aah, We're All Such Chemical Creatures, Aren't We? #2  Quite a few people have e-mailed, questioning me about my not getting laid in 3 1/2 years. They mostly respect my rule about not cheating, but they wonder loudly how I could survive. I have one word: Paxil. Pure chemical castration. Recently, figuring that my marriage is sufficiently over that it wouldn't be cheating anymore, I talk to my wonderful doctor. He: "Hmm - well, I could always give you Viagra." Me: "Yeah, but I don't have any problem getting or maintaining an erection -- I just have trouble getting and maintaining interest. I can't even masturbate." He: "That sounds like Paxil." We change my medication. Two weeks go by. Holy Jesus! I'm turning into a penis! Suddenly, I feel sorry for the poor woman who finally puts me out of my misery. Paraphrasing the immortal words of Ken Kesey (via Jack Nicholson): "The next woman I come inside is going to light up and pay out in quarters!" To that I add: Her eyes are also going to turn milky, and her nose will run...  
  I remember, vividly, coming down off an incredible roller-coaster of an acid trip, and riding on the back of a moped with my roommate driving.  We drove down the street with palm trees flanking us on both sides and the sun rising behind us.  I could hear the trees singing to me as we drove into the clear blue Arizona sky and I felt total harmony with the rest of the world.  I still smile, years and years later thinking about that night.  Thanks mucho for a wonderful summer Charles.  
  It sure seemed like it was only going to be a fart.  Now I gotta go change.        
  the last time i tripped on acid i tried to talk a friend of mine into giving me a blowjob. she said i was too high to really appreciate her talent. i ran into her sometime later, she was right.  
  i think lowbrow should be tested for drug content,  because it's definately addictive.  
  Beer Pong tournament.  My boyfriend's team had to defend the title.    Six or seven shots and a stomach full of beer later...  I'm setting up his bed so that the trashcan is next to him, a gallon of water and tylenol are on the nightstand, and there is nothing in his way from the bed to the bathroom.  After we're both settled into bed, he says,   "Baby?  I'm gonna make you a really nice breakfast tomorrow..."  Then he puked for the THIRD time into the garbage.    He did make me a great breakfast though.  
     I lent her my car.  She wrecked it.  But I loved her.  I rented an apartment for us and she didn't pay her way.  But I loved her.  She used our apartment to blow some other guy while I was working.  I used to love the way she'd blow me.  Now she's still going to school (year after year) and blowing guys for rent.  Least she found something she's good at.    
  I should have found his calm, polite, intellectual pretentiousness offputting in the same way that I find that particular behavior abhorrent in my parents, but yet I was somehow drawn to it. It was like there was something about his warm, inviting smile and cynical sarcasm belieing his romantic nature that made him seem real - and made it seem like perhaps you could be brilliant and not be cold, detached and far too sophisticated for words.  And then I realized that I had spent three days convinced that someone who had spilled multiple coffee related beverages on himself in one night was far too sophisticated for me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here's a thought What if beached whales were actually the criminals of whale society? And by saving them, we're actually contributing to whale crime. I presented this idea to Tara and she said that the real reason was probably that the whale was sick and got kicked out of the pod. But I think its just because the whale robbed the first national whale bank. They have kelp.  
  I recently read that Alexander The Great, while far from home, decided his horse would make the best sexual companion.  I really admire the guy for making the best of a bad situation.  Whatever floats your boat I suppose...  
  If your diet consists entirely of milk shakes, Don't come crying to me When vikings break down your front door and demand to see all of your tax records.  
   Pick me a winner.  My girlfriend says to me.    I pin her down, and stick my tongue inside her nostril, and find a dried up hunk of snot in my mouth.   Do I win now?  I ask.   
  First day going in to the temp retail job. Stood there, in uncomfortable dress shoes, while a fat black woman explained to us just how much she expects us to kiss customer ass. I had a sudden epiphany. I don't have to do this.  So I took off my name tag and dropped it on the floor and began to walk off while she was in mid-moo.  "Where you think you going?" she yelled. "Life's too short to do this shit." I said. She tried to get a security guard to stop me from leaving, on the grounds she hadn't given me permission. Once it was explained to the security guard that I had just quit and didn't need her fat ass permission, I strolled out to my car, while she screamed at the guard for "letting that girl go." The next day I went in and creatively rearranged her department's merchandise.   
  From another posting:  Ladies, what is with all the bush shaving these days? ...fuck this "bacon strip" shit.    To aid with the rant:   That mystifyed me for a while, as did the recent popularity of butt-fucking, tit-jizzing, face-jizzing et al, even, it seems, among young women (I can't imagine what they get out of it).    Then I realised: This is the first generation that has had easy access to explicit porn from a young age.    That's what they think sex is actually about!    Hardcore porn, and all its hoary old visual cliches, was originally created by a bunch of fucked-up pencil-dick mysogynists.    That's why you never see the women actually enjoying themselves (actually, you rarely see anybody actually enjoying themselves).    Almost done.    So, next time you want to spray cum in your girlfriend's face, think about it.    And next time you are butt-fucking her, try closing your eyes and imagining she's a guy. After all, the physical sensation is identical.    And, instead of imitating the crap you see in porn, ask yourself what actually feels good, and what doesn't...    Done.    - limbo@IJustGotFired.com               ----------------  Personally...I LIKE the "bacon strip", the bald pussy, the trimmed so short it is soft pussy, etc.  I feel sexy when I feel my g-string rubbing against my lips rather than against bush.    I do actually enjoy it when a guy grabs me and fucks me like a porn star.   And on another topic...I don't want pretty non-functional lingerie.  If I am going to go to the effort to put something like that on...I want to be fucked in it so hard that I forget my name.  Some of us aren't missionary only lovers...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         pornography on the monitor & a bible on the desk.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Too Drunk to Fuck, part deux.  So last time we me had hooked up, well I lacked the coordination to participate in any form of sexual congress.  This time was a completely different matter.  I ran into her at a party, with no intention of hooking up.  I actually, rather wanted to avoid her.  Two 40s, 3 or 4 G and T's and some glasses of champagne later, I found myself with her in my bed, again!  So well, we get down to business.  And this time I've got slightly better coordination.  So we're going at it for a couple of minutes, and oh no...I've got to hurl.  So I withdraw, and make a beeline for the bathroom.  I didn't make it.  I tripped, well more fell due to lack of balance.  I thought this was hysterical, but was still rather worried about making it to the bathroom in time.  So I scramble up and fart.  Well, I thought I was going to fart.  Instead I dropped a nice little hershey squirt in the middle of my floor!  I finally made it to the bathroom, and made quite a large deposit.  King Cobra doesn't taste as good coming up as it does going down.   I finally finish up, and she's still in bed waiting.  I figure, what the hell, why don't I give it another go?  So we get to it again, this time...I don't even withdraw.  She gets it...some in her hair, some on the bed...some on her bra, (which I found left on my floor the next morning) some, only god knows where.  I passed out then, never being able to finish.  I woke up to a splitting headache and nobody in my bed, thankfully.  It's been 3 days since this happened and she's called me twice!  I don't get it...I accidentally find your pooper once, and then boot on you the next time?  Why do you keep calling?  
  My friend and I were making idle chit-chat with our waiter at the bar where we were getting drunk. We said: "Are there any good clubs around here?" He said: "Sure, you should meet me at this one called Atlantis later tonight." We said: "OK, you'd better be there or we'll hunt you down and kill you." We never did see him after that. Go figure.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         BLOODY BUSINESS "Have you got any rolling papers?" Sarah asked Wes. "No, sorry." "How bout a matchbook?  Doesn't need to have any matches in it, just the cover." "Can't help ya there either.  Why do you ask?" "I'm out of tampons." After that, we called her 'The MacGyver of Feminine Hygiene.'  
  I ask my mom why she uses baby wipes after toilet paper (something I have a hard time accepting) to which she replies, "I like to be clean."  I guess showering is out of the question.  
   I've conquered, I've seen, and I have spun the web of life they call the interstate highway system.  Thank you. Dwight Eisenheimer      
  His name was Craig.  He was the manager of our Pizza Hut and he always ate pineapple on his pizzas.  We each got a personal pan pizza as a meal if we worked more than 6 hours in a day.  He always made his own because he knew everyone hated his unholy guts...he must have been extra busy that day cause the order came back to us.  Glory!  Richard guarded the walk-in fridge door while I unzipped inside.  It's hard to piss in the freezing cold, but I had good motivation.  
  Jello  is an unruly treat.                I don't think there has ever been a utensil invented by mankind that can accurately and unfailingly deliver this contumelious confection from bowl to mouth without mishap.        
  About a year ago while cleaning up after a city festival at work, my dad found a little blue thong.  So what did he do with it?  Naturaly he brought it home, washed it, and offered it to me.  Naturaly I declined, screaming eeew.  The topic came up again a few days ago, and he casualy mentioned that the thong now resides in his underwear drawer.  
  i liked back when people gave their kids names that meant something. that's why i'm planning on naming my first boy "foolproof." i'm not kidding.  
  i finally convinced myself why i will never find ms. right, and also to stop looking entirely.  see, not only does she have to be  smart, funny, attractive, in to buddha, in to bondage, in to computers, able to speak at least three languages, supportive, trustworthy, independant, strong, mindful, psychotic, healthy, at peace with herself, limber, eager to succeed in life, and able to fully dedicate herself to a relationship  but  she also has to dig a guy that is  intelligent, crude, in to computers, selfish, able to speak at least three languages, thick-headed, independant, in to buddha, trustworthy, an a.d.d. patient, fond of cartoons, not quite otaku but getting there, fond of skating, an ultimate frisbee freak, a vegetarian  oh and let's not forget the small cock.  at least i got over the penis envy and don't drive one of those god-awful suv's... i'll be able to laugh myself into the grave over that one, alone, retired, and senile.  
    I was really getting into Ballard's  Crash  while working in a warehouse for a medical supply store, the sexual possibilities of trachostomy kits and catheters and transfer chairs and their crippled and damaged users kept creeping into my mind.   Everytime I passed by the breast pumps I thought of the woman I could not have.  
  "So what," she said, staring blankly at the faded poster of Siouxsie Sioux stapled crookedly above her bed.  "I haven't taken that thing down since I put it up in the ninth grade.  I realize the band's been over for three years now.  But, like high school, some things just go on like they still exist even after they're dead."        
   We were having phonesex, and when he came, he exclaimed, "I LOVE YOU!!!"  To this, I replied, "Gross," and I hung up the phone.  It's phonesex with a stranger from some of the grossest chatrooms that there are. It's not love. Not even to make the orgasm better.  
  it was the middle of july.. very hot.. my 6 month old daughter and i were shopping at wal-mart... it was also very windy.. i am fanatical about keeping my car doors locked at all times.. dont ask me why.. anyway i laid the keys in the car long enough to reach down and tie my shoe and the wind blew the door shut.. yes it was one of those little fiberglass cars.. and my baby girl was locked inside.. i called the police and they told me they couldnt get it open because it had a theft proof lock on it so they would have to bust the window.. but this guy comes up wearing all white i swear and grabs the blackjack away from the cop and with one swipe unlocks my door .. the cop said have you done this before and the guy smiles and walks away.. i take my daughter out of the car and turn to thank him and hes gone        
  Sometimes my wife and I like role playing games.  She pretends to be an overbearing, hyper-sensivive, complaining bitch and i pretend not to care.  Maybe we're really role playing all the other times.           
  It was a cool October night...  Everything started out fine.  However, the night quickly turned into disaster.  Before sunrise, I had been dumped by my girlfriend, beaten and stabbed into unconsciousness, and pissed on by four drunk sailors.  I woke up in a hospital bed.  What did I learn from the experience?  THAT WAS SOME GOOD SHIT...didn't remember a damn thing until 3 weeks later...        
  yeah well..i was at a party  it was one of those "i only remember bits and pieces on top of what my friends tell me i did" parties.  i was drunk off my ass. i do remember that.   the next morning i had to go to work. i noticed i had a HUGE knot on my head. where the hell did that come from? i don't remember falling  a day or so later i remember. i was passed out on the bathroom floor (jack daniels will do that to you) and people kept trying to come in to take a piss. i guess they kept slamming me in the head with the door  i don't remember much about that night  
  Probably the only good thing I got from my mother was my twisted sense of humor; she taught me that a prank isn't really that good unless it took time...and the victim knows that it took time.   It kind of makes it creepier that way. When she was young, she'd build a snowman in front of her neighbor's front door.  She told me (as I was on my way out to do it to my friend) that it would be far creepier to see a smiling snowman blocking the door than a plain pile.  It just showed that someone cared enough to spend time being annoying.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a simple equation stand up slap plus stand up slap plus stand up slap equals stand up the fuck you dance and a breaking of that hand that did all the slapping         
  "......Lowbrowcom is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Lowbrowcom is right for you. Lowbrowcom should not be taken if you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant. Side effects may include headache and lack of productivity.   Lowbrowcom... our glasses are all empty."     - maurice-zodiacs@excite.com    I recently read this here.    Our glasses aren't half empty that would make us pessimists.   We here are realists!!!    Our glasses just need more beer.    - NightskyeSarcasm@hotmail.com   I agree. Also this site is especially for women who could become pregnant or are nursing.  
     I know this is sick by a lot of peoples standards but I really have no interest in woman my age. The are all used and broken and have been smacked around so much they don't have any real life left in them. I haven't had sex in years because they all turn me off. They leer. they think they know exactly what I want when all I want is someone untainted, unjaded, at not used-up.           Its not that I want to have sex with 10 year olds or anything. Man this city fucks you up in the head. I'm moving to some bum-fuck town and trying to meet someone who doesn't want to vampire my soul...      
  so the other day after a good bit of partying, amber offers to take me to get the beer at my apartment and she'll get a milkshake and smokes for destiny.  got the beer, go to 7-11 to buy cigarettes and i come out with them but the guy misunderstood my drunken mumbling of turkish golds for turkish royals, and i'm still contemplating this as i sit down in the car parked next to amber's.  i mention that the guy gave me the wrong kind only to look up into the face of some strange woman, who's smiling questioningly.  i look past her through the window to see amber laughing at me, then back at the woman to apologize, then i leave.  we sat there for a few minutes while amber finished laughing, then she was still laughing when we got back home so she could relay this to all our friends.  the car i got into was red as is amber's, and my friend's pipe fell out of my pocket in that woman's car.  kind of embarassing.  
  today my buddy was like, "hey did you hear that j-lo and ben affleck broke up, or something, or they didn't." and i say "what the fuck kinda sentence was that?!? where was the information?? i don't know anything new from before when you started talking!"  
  They say, "Man can't survive on bread and water alone" but I'm doing pretty fuckin' good on saltines and coffee.  
  I sleep under an electric blanket...I'm always scared I'll have a wet dream and kill myself.   
  Goldbond on your balls is like having a party in your drawers and your balls are the guest of honor.  
  My friend and I went to a new mall and picked up a map to carry around with us.  She was trying to figure out where the Burberry store was.  As we walked, she looked intently at the map and wondered out loud, "where's the 'you are here' sticker?" She didn't understand why I laughed at her.  
  A guy walks out of the bathroom, packing a soft-pack of cigarettes on thepalm of his right hand. "It's just like the airport, it flushes for you."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Ever ask yourself,"Why is it called a blowjob when you dont blow?"  Ever meant someone who took "blowjob" literally?  I have, I wonder if you meet the same girl, she never did quite get it, she was like the wolf trying to blow my meathouse down.  
  xxX:"Did you suck his cock?"  me: "Oh ya. back of the restaurant."  xxx: "nice, that it?"  me: "Hell no, he told me he had a break in 10 minutes and to meet him in the bath room.  I did and we did."  xxx: "nice!"  me: "His bossed walked in."  xxx: "uh oh"  me: "how was I supposed to know that his boss was this chick he was engaged to?"  
        I was working the night shift and was bored.  We had a coffee machine and next to it, those little packets of sugar.    I took a bunch of those packets, armed them with paperclips, letter openers, and staple removers, and then had them fight a big war of sugar vs. nutrasweet packets where almost all of them got disembowled.  War really is hell, and it also leaves a big sugary mess.  
  This happens alot, but it also  happened today.   We were scheduling our day, going  over the errands and chores we  had in front of us.  Then he stopped talking suddenly, screwed up his face, and leaned over onto his left foot.   brrraaatttt   --came out of his butt.  "Good one, honey," I said.    He's often told me this is how he knows he's picked the right woman to marry.      
  My dad is on Weight Watchers points.  This man is forever changing diets, and letting them fade, as if we will forget he is on it if he slowly starts incorporating teddy grahms into his diet.   He is weighing containers of low point chili in the kitchen. Just eat less, dad.  Just eat less. I think I'll go have some eggs and tea with cream in front of him.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Me to her: We should get the car detailed, I don't wanna scrape the snot off the bottom of the seat.  Her to me: I scraped half of it off by accident today...  
  My buddy and I planted a bomb at our high school graduation.  Right under the presentation table. Very fancy one - loud ticking timer, and miles of multi-coloured wiring.  It wasn't discovered until the hall was half-full of parents, so they had to be temporarily evacuated.  In his graduation speech, the headmaster remarked on the good science skills of the graduating class:   "... especially two particular boys, who, if they meet me in my office after the ceremony, will have a certain apparatus returned to them."  When we went to his office, he closed the door, brought out the sherry, and we all had a good laugh.  Impossible, you say? Except for two missing facts:  1) The timer was connected only to a large bank of flashbulbs.  2) The place was Scotland, 1966.  How the world has changed...  
  I read about how one of my town's founding fathers once rigged up a beer bong from a century plant stalk.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Starting my new job as a fisheries environmentalist, I assume my co-workers would feel kindly towards animals.  So I am a little perplexed when I see them carrying ice hockey sticks on board.  Me: "What are those for?"  They: "Eel hockey"  Turns out eels are  very  hard to pick up and toss overboard, so they leave them on deck and then slapshot them through the scupper holes.   
  Ok, so I go downstairs to get some food, right? And there's this Krispy Kreme box on the stove. I go to check, thinking either mom ate the ones that were left or that they were fine.  There were ants. All over. The doughnuts.  Fuck. Goddamnit. Fucking hell. Mother fuck, man. I was gonna eat those. Even cold and a day old they're still better than any two-bit doughnuts in town. As I'm pacing back and forth in the kitchen cursing, I get struck with a bolt of divine inspiration.  Canned air.  I go upstairs and grab my can of air (god bless geekhood), then head back down. Using three plates and a bamboo kebab skewer I move the doughnuts out of the ant-swarmed box, onto a clean plate one by one, and blow 99.9% of the ants off with the sweet-chill breath of canned air. The 0.1% is due to broken-off parts of ants being stuck in the glaze, which I won't really notice when I'm eating.  Bow before the Fellowes Air Duster. Not only does it clean dust off your computer hardware, it can be used to clean ants off doughnuts.  
  There's nothing finer than losing your virginity to a goth slut the day you graduate from college.  She knew what she was doing...and she owes me a hundred dollars.  
  My worst nightmare came true last night.  I had taken the boy to the ER for stomach pain.  I desperately needed to pee, since he'd been hogging the bathroom all day, and puking in the sink.    I found the ER restroom.  There was a tiny bug floating in the toilet.  I aimed for it, and it flew up toward my butt.  I didn't see it again.  Man, it's probably laying eggs in my ass as I type this.    I'm not going to sleep ever again.  
  Got banned from my favorite channel on mIRC, for MENTIONING that i'd been drinking beer today (not some PC channel mind you - #punk)  Got bored, tried to masturabate, but couldn't.  Now i'm not sure what to do.  I'm female by the way...  PS - I feel bad about not leaving a real email, but if you can connect me to my earlier post today regarding being drunk on good friday, feel free to email and i'll post my real email address on lowbrow, confessing all my dirty sins...  and i mean my REAL address, not the adress i use for lowbow...  Cheers!   
  i hate when people use the phrase "needless to say..." followed by some obvious statement. if it need not be said, then don't fucking say it.  
  When you realize that the line between the mass of wires and components working perfectly and (literally) blowing up in your face is determined solely by your own knowledge and care, you begin to get a bit nervous.  When you plug it in and the lights flicker and you hear the sizzle of the thirty Amp fuse going byebye, your heart beats a little faster.  When you realize that, for a few seconds, the circuit in front of you developed 1200 volts because you installed a transformer backwards, you  begin to think that maybe you shouldn't be working with line voltage at 3:00 AM.  
  Have you ever noticed that the guys who protest porno the most seem to be the ones that need it the most?  A good spank would go a long way for some of them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nothing like spending your Friday night ripping apart the dumpster of the McDonalds in the Ghetto to look for your friends Retainer. Yep, It did go back in his mouth...  
  He slimed up to me at the bar and said "Hey gorgeous, I'll have whatever you're having."  So I looked at the barman and said "This man would like a horrendous moment where a slimy bastard thinks he has a chance."  "...with ice?"    
  She told me my ass was tight.  I smiled.....then realized she was talking about the donkey next to me in wigger language.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he said and i quote i would like to apologize in advance to any of you if you should be so unlucky as to around at the time of my undoutably horrific and incredibly messy death  i thought nice disclaimer before a night out on the town         
  fucking toy tractor tires has been my favorite thing to do for the last month  
  Three or four times a day - EVERY DAY - sitting in my office, I'll get the pleasing aroma of bathroom air freshener.  If I'm unlucky I'll also get the stinky shit smell to go with it.  I hate my job.  
  My girlfriend called me into the bathroom one night in a panic. She had tried one of those rubber cups instead of a tampon, but something had gone horribly wrong. The thing was stuck inside of her. I instantly had to become an amateur gynecologist and pull the thing out of her with my fingers. It took about five minutes for me to get a good enough grip.   
  In college I ate fourteen ephedrine tabs because I misunderstood what my friend said. I asked him how many I should take, me being a speed virgin, and he said, "When I drove from Savannah to Philadelphia I ate fourteen." I didn't stop to think that the trip would take around sixteen hours, and he didn't eat them all at once. So after a hearty breakfast of O.J. and Krispy Kremes and around an hour of lightspeed buzzing I was introduced to the wonders of projectile vomiting. I barely made it to the bathroom from class before my abdomen caved in on itself and I painted the porcelain with a nuclear stream of hot day-glo orange puke, propelled with enough force to splatter everything. The throaty noise that came with it was indescribably hilarious.  There's a diner downtown with big floor-to-ceiling windows all around it so the patrons can peer at the sidewalks while dining. Often I think of how funny it would be to walk past, draw attention to myself from the diners, then hose-barf in a perfect parallel to the ground.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hey, where's that zine dedicated to those who eat fancy cheese  and still have to ride the bus for transportation?       
  He wore tiny, tinted glasses low on his nose. His ocean-waved hair was linty and in need of a new perm. He was missing a tooth, and licked his lips constantly. His track suit was faded at the knees. He held a folded up section of a newspaper. As the  engine roared and the bus lurched from side to side, he tried to sell me a fake ass gold chain. "No", I repeated..."No." I got watches" "No." "I got earrings, gold earrings, a pretty lady like you needs earrings" "No. I know you got a stamp and stamped 14k on those chains. That shit is hella fake."  He gave me a dirty look, mumbled something under his breath, and got up to go sit somewhere else. He licked his lips, patted his hair, and waited for the next gullible looking person to board the bus.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  The other day one of my friends says to me: "I can't wait for the last Harry Potter movie, 'cause Hermione will be 18 and really hot."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         people in the northwest really like lowbrow  it is, incidentally, what your eyebrows do when your face gets rained on  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Mike: Are you single because you have that thing for joel?  Justine: naw. because I'm lame.  Mike: blingbling        
  I'm sitting in my office at work and my two supervisors are about 8 feet from my desk while I surf porn.   Nothing like pulling the devils tail.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He glanced up and caught her examining him.   But she didn't look away and he let his eyes drift right of her head.  He uncomfortably looked down at his book and took a line of notes.  He stole a look. She spoke.  "I wasn't staring."  He turned back to his notes--his first reaction. It clicked and his mind settled to normalcy.   Turning back, he said  "Oh."  She shook her head at him.  "You have something in your hair."  
  The young 20ish phone operator at work, started asking me, a 50+ year old man, questions about if I was married, my interests, hobbies, et cetra. Here I'm thinking this lovely young lady is interested in me, whow! So, I said, "are you interested in me?" And she said "No, I was checking you out for my mother." Devastated!         
  Paxil. a new anti depressant drug.  Side effects include: nasuea, headaches, cottonmouth, dry skin, sexual side effects, rashes, and/or migranes.  ...you would think it's the side effects that would MAKE you depressed.  
   A girl I was having relations with once called me a "sex monster". It wasn't entirely complimentry, but it was certainly dead-on.  
   Driving Survival Skills  (This one from my buddy Patrick) When a cop is riding your tail, it is essential that you know how to tilt a bottle without moving your head.  
  why would anyone use Hotmail? All hotmail spam is "Viagra" "Lose 2000 pounds in an hour" and "Free golf tee shirts." I say use AOL, because then, instead of t-shirts, you get "NeKkEd GiRlS"  
  Somewhere in the middle of Karaoke-ing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", I forgot that it was a crap song and that I had been doing it as sort of a subtle form of satire.  A guy bought me a Mich Light when I was done and said, "Good job, man."  
  Once there was this kid, Bobby.  Bobby would make claims as to how he was going to wrap a fruit rollup around his dick, and present the whole package to his dog.  We laughed.  At the end of the week Bobby walked onto the bus, and said (like Beavis) "heheheheheh my doggie gave me a blowjob." --- Later in life, Bobby thought his ex-girlfriend was going to steal his Camaro.  So what did Bobby do?  Bobby took a bat to it, and made sure she wouldn't want to take it.  Some people should never breed, even by accident.  
  My friend mentioned that she was giving up chocolate for Lent this year.  I said she was insane.  Then, I decided that I was going to give up masturbation for Lent. I made it two days. I felt a little guilty, but then decided it was okay, since I wasn't catholic anyway.  
  So I'm sitting at my computer when the phone is dead in my house. I'm really horny, so I decode to print off some porn and take it to my bedroom for a litle relaxation period before I go to sleep. Everything was going fine... no one was up and i wasn't going to get caught printing it off.  However, I learned what instant Karma was that night just as i was slowly taking the paper out of the printer and placingit on the floor. As I did so, I accidentally brushed the edge of one sheet of paper against my cock and opened up a nice slit of a papercut right on the sahft... talk about ruinng the moment...  
  There's a rotting hamster in my livingroom. I wonder if I could flush her down the toilet.  
  Never underestimate the raw sexual energy of a sexy, recently divorced woman in her forties.  
  I've been having touble with my mother for the longest time. She's been trying to convince me in getting professional help ever since she caught me masturbating to Sesame Street. That was two years ago! Now that I'm 32, I think I deserve a little more trust than that.        
  My girlfriend at the time and I had went out late at night to the beach for a change of pace (as opposed to me usually just going over to her house for the night).  Things went from one thing to another as they usually do, but this time was in the car.  We didn't take cleaning up into account ahead of time as that's usually a convienence with staying at someone's house.  We drove home without socks.  
  The day after my soon-to-be ex stunned me by delivering a full case of Molson, when I'd only asked for a 6-pack, she asks if I need anything at the store. Me: "Eh, Molson?" She: "You serious? How about I get you some liver instead, like a new one?" I laugh, and explain that I was only joking. She believes me...  
  Still down on my luck and needing cigarettes, I scour the house for empties and take them down to the local quickstop.  After unloading and counting them all, I walk towards the counter, but get distracted by a neat three year-old boy, playing on a beanbag chair.   We play energetically for a few minutes, then his mom calls him over. I walk to the counter with him, slapping him five for the half-somersault landing he just executed to perfection.  His mom hasn't noticed at all, but then I haven't noticed her, either.  She's distressed about the cost of some hippy-dippy Native American cigarettes that aren't even made of tobacco, as far as I know.  I watch the transaction, while taking her in. Some Cornell professor's trophy wife, I assume -- tall and willowy, with honey-blonde hair cascading down to her half-transparent summer wrap skirt.  I make a jocular comment about paying $5.35 for a pack of grass clippings, but she ignores me with the skill of ... well, a self-satisfied trophy wife.  When she leaves, with her son waving me goodbye, the counter guy asks how many empties.  I don't answer, because I'm following her through the sunlit doorway with my eyes.  Using one of my buddy Patrick's expressions, I say quietly and conspiratorially to the counter guy: "Oh, stop! You're splitting me in half!"   I  thought  I'd said it quietly enough, but apparently not, because she paused in the sunlit doorway for a second (thus confirming that no, she wasn't wearing any underwear, and no, she wasn't in the horrible habit of shaving down there).  That was yesterday. Today, in the supermarket with my boy, I was trying to persuade him that he did not need a watermelon larger then him, when she walked by.  I glanced up just in time to catch a genuine, radiant smile...  If there are any updates to this episode, you  know  I'll post them.  After all -- trophy wives don't know about the 'Brow, do they?  
  FROM THE BOYS LOCKER ROOM  4 out of 5 males in my gym class has trouble urinating.  That is not to say they have a urinary track disorder; they simply can't hit the bowl all the time.  3 out of the 4 that admitted having difficulty claimed their urine taking a forked path that spread around to both sides of the toilet, making it impossible to NOT miss.  Weep for humanity. And the people that clean public restrooms.  
  Once dated a guy because I thought he had a cool name. Ended up his mother got it from Gunsmoke. Oh the white trash shame of it all.   
  "Yeah, well, you know," he said, jamming the DOOR CLOSE button on the elevator, "he's still my boss and I respect him and all that, but like, I can't laugh at his jokes anymore. It's just all fucked up -- I can't talk to him. But I still have a lot of respect for him."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day at work I was working with the glasscutter. Now, i know what I am doing with glass but for some reason EVERY piece of glass I was cutting cracked in such a way as to make it totally useless for my needs.  So I take all the broken pieces of glass back to put into the bin I have set aside for the shatered peices, but while the glass bits are too small for my project they are also too large to fit through the mouth of the bin.  Usually I just use the glasscutter to shorten them enough to get them to fit. This time I just placed the multiple sheets of glass over the hole and proceded to use my bare fist to crush the glass down to smaller pieces until they all fit.  I think I need to work something out....  
  Dick ----  My dad always called my uncle "Dick"  I never knew why, always thought it was a jab at his social skills  found out why last year  Showed his cock to a twelve year old a judge's daughter judge was not amused  he was ninteen and just in college basketball star pride of the family  blamed it on mystery men who dropped LSD in his coke  Spent some time in jail if memory serves  his cock hasn't made any return appearances...  as far as I know   
  Attending Mardi Gras in Galveston one year, my grown daughter and I grew weary of listening to the very young, inebriated men on the balcony yelling, "Show your tits!" to the females in the crowd below.  We began yelling at them, with many other women joining in, "Show your dicks."  They did - every one of them.  
  I am a chick.  A heterosexual chick.  I keep having these dreams where I'm the male hero of a fairy-tale.  Saving the princess and admiring my built bod.  
  i think i just ignored an asshole for the last time.    i'm waiting to hear my future daughter say "mommy, how did you and daddy meet?"  and i'd say "well dear, i was just walking down the street one day and your father, who was a construction worker at the time, was having lunch with his buddies and WELL!  he just started saying the most dis-GUSTING things to me-- *tsk*  *sigh*  well i just knew it was true love from the start honey."    i hope you stupid fuckers choke  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         alright. so i'm in the 12th grade and my friend brad and i are all about the dxm. for those of you who dont know, thats dextromethorphan, the potent active ingredient in cough medicine that also acts as a hard core dissassociative/psychotrophic drug.  we typically took it in pill form, but this time we couldnt find coricidin and so we settled for drinking robotussin, something which i can assure you we will never do again.  so anyway... he spends the night at my house and we drink the putrid juice at the beginning of a nice "stroll" around the neighbourhood. anyway... the trip got started nicely (despite the grossness of what we had to do to get there), and we walked up and down all of the cracks and crevices of the area around my house.  and then it happened. whilst sitting on a bridge about a mile from my house, brad had to take a dump. "a big, watery dump" he said.  so we run home as fast as our intoxicated selves will take us and he goes into the bathroom and drops a load.  and while he's in there... i realise that i have to take a shit.   so he comes out and i follow him it, shitting my guts out and smelling his shit. and when i opened the door, there was brad. "i have to go again, he said."  six hours later we were still shitting. we lied down on my bed all night listening to sonic youth and trying not to move, because we both knew that once we moved we would have to go to the bathroom to take one of those gross unsatisfying piddle shits again.  so its 7.30 in the morning and i hear my mom up in the other room... i'm still tripping, but that never stopped me from talking to my parents (or cops, for that matter). so i go into the bathroom and say "mom... do you have any kaopectate?" "why do you need it son?" "umm... because brad's been sick all night and he just really needs it."  "you know, son... if brad is sick he shouldnt have spent the night. now go to bed."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               what a weird weekend. Told my friend that i felt something was coming. He asked me what it was and i told him i didn't know, just knew something relevent was going to happen. started friday, when Three friends and I decided to blow off a whole fucking day of school and drive off to smoke joint after joint all day. came home to find out the 'rents had gone out, but had also taken the keys to the truck. so me and my best friend are stuck with out a ride. "well, fuck it" we said and figured we'd walk to his place to get his allowence to smoke with, hell it's only an hour away, not like we have fuck else to do tonight, plus we still have a big mother fucking joint left to make the walk less boring. on the way we decide it's too far to walk, so we start hitch hiking, and the people who live across the street from me pick us up. after we smoke our phatty and get his money , our dealer needs us to meet him at his house, just a few houses down from mine, which is now another hour's walk away. well, we figure we can walk it one way no problem and lo and behold, where picked up by another friend of ours who was just returning from our dealers house, buying some weed of his own. so after geting a ride and picking up, we walk for another 45 minutes through a back-woods trail i know of. by now it's night fall and i need a place to roll a joint. we pick a place in the bushes right behind a street light that nobody from the road can see. after much prowling around our kingdom (the neibourhood) we head to the pharmecy to roll another joint on the deck set out back with a light right above it (like the place was made for late night stoners). near this place is a store anther friend of our works at, so we walk over, only to find yet another friend pulling in to the store parking lot, so we all pool up and smoke a couple of joints together. the next day at work, this guy who just got hired on, well in the process of talking about narcotics and such, tells me that he smokes weed for his epalipsy (sp?) and invites me to burn one down with him after work is over. by now i knew knew i was fucked because i had smoked two grams i was supposed to give to these other guys who had already paid me for it. so i go out with my fellow pot-head co-worker and smoke a little of his stuff. some of the best stuff i have ever smoked. old guys smoke really good shit. something I've always said and belived. later when i get home, my buddy's pissed because i smoked all the weed at work. well, never one's to be dry, we come up with a gram and a half, call the guys we owe weed to, tell them blantly that we smoked there shit and we'd make it to them some time. they respond by producing more money and asking if we can get anymore soon. we had to search around a little, but we found a hook up for them, all piled in to my car, smoked two joints with them on the way out, picked up there shit and proceeded to head back. they tell us there going to this chick's party and it's be cool if we came. with nothing else to do we head out with them. keep in mind we show up to this party with nothing, no booze, no drugs, no money, already stoned silly. we walk in, breifly say hi to the host before asking if there's anywhere we can roll a joint (of the other guy's stuff, nobody else knew how to roll). I roll up three of the biggest joints i've ever made, everyone at the party was impressed, not failing to mention, most of the student council from our school was there. after the three gaggers where passed around and done, we walk back in to see the party is going along nicely with alot of people very hammered. suddenly the party host gets up on the table and calls for everyone's attention. right then and there, amongs the cheers of her friends, she says she has an annoucment. she asks everyone who knows what it is to put up there hands. everybody in the place but me and my buddy have there hands up.he comes out the closet, proclaiming that she is "a sexually deprived dyke". Mind you, by now I'm really rip-roaring high, and this is fucking with my head big time. a few more people "come out" aided by the alcohol. damn, i mean these are well know people around the school, and i never had a fucking clue. anyway, by now the party is starting to get a little loud and one really smashed kid, who had already pissed in the sink, just threw up on the rug, causing about 7 other people to start vomiting. we decide it's time to leave. on the way back, in blinding fog, a fire hydrant has been opened by some one and is spraying water right across the road. traveling at 80 and being foggy as hell, we don't even see it coming. scared the hell out of both of us. all that out of a weekend in which we had no money and no plans. plus we came out with +5 bucks we picked up somewhere and we managed to bic a few lighters from the party. crazyest fucken two days of my life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You wouldn't belive how much dirty nerd sex happens in a museum.  I mean the people who work here, not the visitors.  If you're ever in the LA County Natural History Museum, and you see the diorama with the deer, those had a pair of panties on them for over a week before anyone noticed.   
  Someone once told me that I'm acting like the devil has me in the palm of his hand.    I replied "Yeah, and I like it, because he's twiddling my winky".  Needless to say, I am probably going to hell.     
  She opens a fourth bag of candy & trinkets, pouring it into the large donkey pinata. "El Burro Grande."  me: "Don't fill it too much or it'll be too heavy."  her: "Yeah. yeah."  Later that day the head of the burro is dangling from the ceiling while the body lies, completely intact, on the floor.  Um, Mirada... I think your pinata is too heavy.  
  In high school (11th grade) I wrote a final in-class English paper (entire thing) in reverse cursive.  One could read the paper just fine in the bathroom mirror.  My English teach didn t have much of a sense of humor at the time and yanked me out of Physics class to let me know of her displeasure.  I think she laughs about it now.  
  today i was at my friends house to watch a couple movie we rented. so we're down in the basement watching, but were bored. now he has a big house, and nobody is home. so we decided to fight each other. it was a little hard to get started, not having anything against each other, but after somebody hits you, you wanna get em back and it just escalates from there.   high school summer vacation is an amazing time.  
  Yes, when I get bored at work I fax the local Taco Bell with bad drawings of tacos. They've never faxed me back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         House-sitting for a friend of mine some years ago. He told me to help myself to anything in the fridge. I was hanging out, fiddling with the guitar, enjoying the peace and quiet, when I realized I was thirsty. I opened his fridge and find a stick of butter, a tupperware thingie with something creepy inside, and a quart of milk. I settled on the milk. I opened it up and knocked it back, only to realize after the second or third gulp, that the shit was like cottage cheese. I dropped the carton, making the "hurk! hurk!" dry-heaves, and then promptly puked my guts out in his kitchen sink.  "Got Milk?" *chew chew*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Being of hispanic descent, I have a family member that has  Actually, been on cops . Yes, I know. this is sad. The lowbrow part? He was huffing paint. When stopped by the officer, he was asked "hey buddy, you been huffing paint?". then he retorts(he had gold paint all over his face and shirt), "no, no officer I would NEVER do that". The officer inquires as to where he got the paint on his face from. Again, some weird logic overtook him, and he decided to come clean, "I was. But not now.".   
   bill  a  quit smoking as we wouldnt wanna loose you b  does that make it ok to describe the messed up relationships or any of the things about life that dissapoint in less than bland terms questionmark   
  Thanks to television, I now know I can make my nipples erect with eye drops.  Of course, this is for fashion, not for fun. For fun you need another person... or a really flexible neck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was so drunk, i never should have left my dorm. but i did. and when i got to her room i drank some more. we were both utterly trashed, sitting on her bed and laughing at our states of inebriation.  she asked me, "are you straight?" i looked over in her direction, i couldn't quite focus on her face, but i managed to say "yes, i am. sorry honey!"   
  This morning, I casually injected a lowbrow moment into a converstaion.  I'm sure you've enjoyed it as much as I do.    "If I ever catch the Morning Wood Fairy, I'm going to make her finish the damn job." I said.  All but one of my friends were rolling on the ground laughing.  The nonlaughing one looked at me with this stone cold face and said he had caught the fairy once, and that she confessed her real identity as one of Satan's minions.  Seems she's not the only virgin tease in Hell.    But, she's the one that made Jesus give up on women.  
  No matter how thoroughly I shake it, sometimes I put my unit back in my pants and another little dribble comes out.  "Hey! You can hide me away in the dark, but don't forget I'm still the one in control here!"    
  On my night off from working at the bar...I went downtown to drink. Knew all the bartenders, so drank Kamikaze's on the house all night. Lost count somewhere after the 4th bar.  Then walking home, find myself talking to some kid heading the same direction. We cut across the playground of a school, and he tries to get a little. Creepy on so many levels. He couldn't have been more than 19 years old (ick) He was very persistent, and i wasn't scared of being raped, like i probably should have been. I was pissed off that it was snowing, and the bastard kept trying to get my clothes open. Hello? It's fucking 12 degrees outside! And then my stomach full of alcohol took the situation in hand. Heaved my guts up for a minute or two, and by the time i was done all i could see was the yellow stripe on his stocking hat disappearing around the shrubs at the end of the soccer field.  heh heh heh - bet he thinks before he tries that again?   
    The High School Puke story - 1 of 2   One of the greats I usually have to re-tell to new people.  I felt like shit, but dear old mom decided it was time for me to get my ass out of bed and get to school.  First period French class.  The old shrew who ran the class didn't allow anyone to leave while she went through role call.  Well, I was about ready to heave so I raised my hand for attention as I stood.  "Robert!  Taize-vous!  Une Moment!"  God, I hated that bitch.  I plunked down in the seat.  Not because of her shrill voice, but because I was about to yonk.  My buddy sitting next to me said, "Man, just go. You're white and don't look so good."  Before he could let out the "look so good." half of the sentence I opened my book bag and let go of the gag.  It was an amazing puke.  Everyone's jaws hit the floor.  I almost pass out from the purge and I can hear the Jewish Princess(See lowbrow moment: Shavinging the Nose back) in our class start screaming how disgusting.     Bitch, the contents of my stomach lining just made their way up and out like a crack military unit precision hopping into a bag.  It ain't on the floor, it's not on your gucci shoes.  I'm sick as a dog and I just lost breakfast and last night's dinner all over my french book - not something I was ever upset about.   My buddy complimented my ain.  "Thanks for not getting  any on me." Looking up with barf-slobber hanging from my chin, "Not a problem, R."  The Princess starts up again.  I'm ushered out of the class to the nurses station.  I get a nap and some drugs!      
  My friend's neighbor turned traitor, needed to be taught a lesson. Knowing she was a bigtime germophobe, I spent a drunken evening wandering the neighborhood collecting a bag of dogshit, to which I personally contributed when the cheap beer gave me a slight case of the skitters*. Put on some of those dishwashing gloves and hurled it, gagging, handful by stinky handful, into her backyard, all over the patio and patio door.  Later I discovered I'd missed the right house and nailed the wrong neighbor. It's okay, I didn't like her either.  PS... *skitters is a term for the shits that I swiped from LowBrow Limbo. Hi, guy!  
  A lowbrow geek moment is when you get a coke from McDonalds and think "wow, these straws are much higher bandwidth than the straws at Burger King...."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were in New York for two weeks. It was me, my then girlfriend, and three friends of mine.  We fell asleep during CATS and the dancers tripped over us when they ran through the aisles.  James vomited during LES MISERABLES.  We thought he was joking until Daniel stood up to wipe the vomit off his new leather jacket.        
  This girl was telling me about the funniest thing she'd ever seen.  She lives in Madison, and one day while walking around with her friend they passed a house where a man was stomping out angrily. "Fuck you, Gomez!" he screamed back at the house, jabbing his index finger at the door angrily. "Fuck you! Fuck you Gomez! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Fuck YOU, Gomez!" A guy was standing in the doorway of the house looking a bit shocked. A girl joined him, seeming somewhat out of it.   "Fuck you, Gomez!" the man continued to scream as he walked down the street.  Gomez did not have the last laugh  
  Standing behind a 50-ish Mexican man at the liquor store.  He was buying about 200 single-shot bottles of vodka, scotch and rum, etc.  The cashier: "you know, you can buy large bottles of these..."  The Mexican man simply pointed outside.  In the bed of his truck was an enormous naked-woman pinata.  I love living this close to the border.  
   once while having sex with this girl (our first time togethor) in the middle of it she asked, "so what does this make us?"... i replied, "nothing... we're just fucking, okay?"   needless to say that was our last time together as well.       
  The party hadn't started by the time I got there.  I plopped down on the sofa, and a highly-attractive redhead plopped into my lap.  I knew the evening was going to be interesting.  Fast-forward to a while after the party's started, and cheap wine been imbibed.  Myself and two other people are all over one girl, who's enjoying every moment of it.  We adjourn to a bathroom where it turns into a make-out session between me and the two women involved, while the other guy watches with a smile on his face.  But no, no sex.  Move forward in time a little more.  After drinking a healthy amount of vodka straight from the bottle, I have a good ol' time doing things to a different redhead on the couch.  My tounge works wonders on any patch of bare skin, her reactions ranging from involuntary muscle clenching to eye-widening, breath-halting expressions of absolute shock and bliss.  No luck there, either.  Dammit.  Exasperated by my strike-outs and pissed by the fact that the party was ending early, I retreat into a secluded portion of the house and drink more vodka.  My memory blinks out at 2 a.m.  I wake up at 7 that morning, the empty bottle of vodka laying in a pool of my own vomit next to me.  I remember thinking soon thereafter, "This wouldn't have happened if I'd have gotten laid."  
  After relating to my friend about the band members sitting at my table during breaks at clubs, my friend said, "That happens a lot to you, doesn't it?"  I didn't know if I should've been complimented or insulted.  
  I read today that the average male whacks off once a day. If I do every 4 days or so, that would mean there is also a guy out there who whacks off 4 times in one day. Making the average 1.  Damn people, get a fucking grip and practice a little bit of self control.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sad; adj.- The only girl who has ever soberly told me that she wanted to have sex with me was my ex-internet-girlfriend, who unfortunately lived halfway across the country. Lowbrow; adj.- I had an internet girlfriend   see also: I would gladly have another internet girlfriend if I liked her enough and the opportunity presented itself.  
  she was screaming at him again i knew he was gonna blow a head vein if she kept it up you could see him trying not to yell trying not to take a swing at her face purple red she pushed his final jolly red candy like button you suck in bed just like your father he picked her up by her neck she kneed him in the balls he never even noticed he put her head against the wall and i started running toward him knowing if he made contact he would smash her head like a hammer through a pumpkin he loaded up and swung he puched the wall beside he and shattered his hand she passed out from fear he let her drop never said a word and left with his hand dangling next to him        
  Walking across campus, I passed a kid with a big glass of milk, eating a stick of Pilsbury cookie dough like it was a candy bar.  "Computer Science major?" I asked, looking him up and down.  "Yeah"    
  Being a non-circumcised kinda guy I'm always curious if my penis looks right when fully erect.   Let's face it there's not many porn stars out there with non-circumcised knobs so I'm never sure if I've got a freaky one or not  It's a bit of a concern for me and I've never worked up the guts to ask any chick "Does my dick look normal?"  Oh well. At least it don't smell like feet.  
  it's true what they say.  a good, hard, early-morning fucking really is a damn fine hangover cure.  
  "you know i've found that the more unusual a person tries to look, the less interesting they are to talk to"  "wow" i said "nice pants"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  driving home, rush hour Moscow- Lou Reed on the radio.  shane quotes some bible passage from the back seat.  turning up the volume to drown him out, i chime in  "and the colored girls say: doot,da-doo,da-doo,doot,da-do,doot-da-doo..."       
   11/01/01  Hear it From the Marines, Take 1:   He says he's shipping out to "South-East Asia."  Me: "Korea?"  Marine: "Afganistan"   (Damn, but that Bin Laden guy is crafty! Sneak the whole country away ...)  Marine: "Wanna know what we should do to Afganistan?  We should get 500 of those crop dusters, fill them with gas, spray it over the whole fuckin' country, then go in with fuggin' napalm. Burn all of the fuckers."  Me: "I see. Do you think that would increase or decrease terrorism?"  Marine: "They would learn to fear us."   
  Chips and wine are similar. Both the chip bag and the wine bottle look very big. But when you open them it turns out there's not a whole lot in there.   
  please please please do not attempt to make yourself out to be some studmuffin cowboy romeo i ll only think you are hiding your homophobia        
   Joan Baez  I doubt you even know who she is, but in the 1960's, she was almost  the force  in folk music. Almost, except for Bob Dylan, who she fucked the brains out of, and then wrote about it in "Diamonds And Rust." Anyway, that's the setup. My current True Love and I leave the 1984 Newport Folk Festival early to miss the traffic, but also because the headliner is goddam Judy Collins. So, easy traffic, but I glance in the rear-view mirror, and realize that Joan Baez also doesn't much like Judy Collins' stupid grandstanding antics -- she's driving along right behind us. O.K. so she's an idol, and I'm incoherently delighted to be within 100 yards of her, even unknown on a freeway. Then her car puts out a puff of dark smoke, and she pulls over. Oh Jesus Christ -- I'm a certified auto mechanic. My True Love gets a little bitchy, because she wants to get home to her fantasically-fat mommy (that's another story), but I hit the shoulder and back up 300 yards to get back to Joan Baez's smoking car to help her. My True Love chats with her while I dive under the hood. Fucking famous people who I hold in awe -- why do I keep bumping into them? It's embarassing. Terminal problems with her car -- it's basically junk. I guess famous people never think to check the oil. So we give her a ride to the next exit. She sits in the back seat and my True Love and her have a wonderful conversation. Joan Baez opens right up. We drop her off, and drive away. I'm thinking that I might prohibit anyone from ever sitting in that seat, ever. Then I realize that I actually never spoke a single word to her.  
  Sunday there was a family party at my house. Me, two cousins and a guy friend were all sitting on my bed. My guy friend obviously found this as a major turn on having three girls in small, sexy tops sitting on one bed with him. Two of my five year old neices burst into the room and jumped on the bed, "Kris what are you hiding in your pants?" one of them said. Me and my cousins looked over to see my neices poking at his erected penis through his pants.  
  the old lady stopped by the tall glass doors adjusting the strap of her bag on her arm.  i was in a hurry and opened a door and walked through holding it open and looking back at the lady, who scowled at me and muttered under her breath.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Sick people love this site.  The same sick people stand next to me on the train, eat with me at the cafe, work with me at the office, and walk with me in the park.  But I love this site too...  Why don't you ever introduce yourself?  
  I sent the URL for this site to my boyfriend. He submitted his moment, which was about his ex-girlfriend leaving him for a member of a band known as Buttsteak.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  A lot of times, when I'm in my room getting all naked with some guy, he'll say "get your vibrator."  And honestly, I can never remember where it was left from the guy before who said those same words.  So I search and search and often have to wonder, do they realize why it takes me so long to find it?  I mean if you were just using it to pleasure yourself, most likely you would put it back in the same place each time...but if some guy is using it on you by the end of the raunchy sex, it can basically end up anywhere.  They never really seem to figure it out.    You know...males really don't catch on to whoreness quite as fast as you think they would.  
  My friend stepped back after i expressed my arrogant view on how women are only good for two things... which even surprised myself, being female  And then he asked me to marry him        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So now a couple of fat people are suing McDonalds for making them fat.  
  the most absorbant part of your body is your colon. it is medical knowledge that if force a shot into your butt with a meat baister you will get far more fucked up faster than anyother way.  i find it hard to find drinking buddies  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         shotglass checkers: take 24 shotglasses, fill them with your beverage of choice, and play checkers. when you are jumped, you drink. simple as that.  last weekend, ashley and i went down to the quad where mike and chad live to hang out and drink a bit. i brought my game of checkers down and convinced everyone they wanted to play. it was girls vs guys. ashley and i played against matt and chad. we all filled up our shot glasses and began to play. we were playing with mixed drinks, some straight ice 101, and some shots of vodka. they were playing with straight whiskey. i don't understand how ANYONE could do that to themselves. at any rate, they were sure they would win, but we managed to hand their asses to them quite effortlessly. they were *trashed* beyond belief... then again, think about what they were drinking. and we, after doing some of our shots, weren't feeling it at all. they felt bad both because they lost and because girls could hold alcohol better than they could. there's only one thing...  it wasn't vodka...  it was water!   we hope you find this soon enough, chad. we know with your lowbrow habits, you'll see it eventually anyways. :)    
  (My mishaps with glass part 2 of 4)  A few years ago it was lunch time.  The front door of the school is glass. As students filed out I held open the door. I watched and waited. Seeing a likely looking boy, I slammed the door shut on him.  The dumbass put out his hand, and it went right through the glass. Miraculously he didn't get too badly cut.  I got off with a warning since the guy was swell enough to say it was an accident.  Our school was so poor that glass didn't get fixed all year.  
  it's pretty lowbrow that when you are masturbating with a deluxe model vibrator that you are fantasizing about masturbating with one of those nicely formed cucumbers you saw at the grocery store...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Senior Soccer Moment  Playing against a rival team.  They're jackasses who can't play without playing cheap.  Their coach isn't much better, whining over every little thing while their players literally hip-toss us around the field.  Our goalie tells their coach to shut up. He whines to the referee.  "Did you hear that? He can't do that! He can't say that! I won't have him telling me to shut up! He can't tell me to shut up!"  Ref shrugs.  Friend Zach, waiting on the sideline, mutters in a low enough voice for half the crowd to hear: "Somebody should."  Clapping and cheering.  Our coach tells him to sit down.  Go Zach.  
  do you ever get an orgasm  from holding in urine?  hmmm, maybe im just weird...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You're all going to die. And when you do, with very few exeptions, your last earthly act will be shitting yourselves.  The lowbrow thing is that for many of you, this will not be an unusual occurance.  ~TheLiquorman  
  A girl I used to work with was passing through town on business, so I went to lunch with her. She brought up the unpleasant subject of a guy we'd both worked with that I dated for a while, who subsequently dumped me, telling me he really prefered his women "younger and hotter". I told her we hadn't ever really "dated", that I was actually his cover because he was a flaming queen with severe impotence problems.  She still works at the same company with him, and she's still the biggest gossip in the company.  Networking is so rewarding.   
  It was my brother weeding. I met this wonderful girl. We spend all day chating and we started to notice that we were ment for each other. On the way back (4 hours) she wanted to be in the same car as me. Then she said she was very cold and wrapped herself around me. She puts her head close to my chest and I kiss her........then I farted all the way.....In the end I said to her: "Call me!"...got no response to this day.  Never gonna eat more beans to the rest of my life.  
  When I was seventeen my boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him.   We remained friends because of the fact that we had many mutual friends and seeing eachother would be unavoidable.  Now I'm twenty, and I'm dating one of his closest friends. One the 4th of July we went to a huge party at my exboyfriends house.  While everyone was outside enjoying the towns display of fireworks, I made love to my boyfriend in my exboyfriends bed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I always wonder why I never see anyone drinking Red Bull, despite the pervasive advertising.  Now I know why.  If this stuff came in bottles, the company would go bankrupt.  It looks like urine, tastes like Pepto-Bismol and bug spray, and definitely does NOT give you wings.  Of course, I drank the whole thing anyway.  
  I was having great sex with my girlfriend. Sex with her was always great, she was SO into sex. Anyway, afterward we were re-assembling our clothes and could not find her panties. I looked in all the places that I usually stash girls panties when I take them off, under the pillow, between the bed and wall, etc. They were not to be found. When I walked into the living room, there was my dog, a big 90 pounder all American mutt. He had the panties pinned to the ground with both paws and was licking the daylights out of the crotch of the panties. He was going to town like he had just discovered the best taste treat known to dogdom. How could I get mad at him? Pussy is pretty darn tasty.  
  When I was getting coffee this morning, some dude approached me and asked me if I am a singer.  What is it with this prevailing notion that all tall young men with long hair and leather jackets are rock and roll musicians?  Ok, so I used to be a rock and roll musician, but that's not the point.        
  I'd be a preist if i weren't sucha devout athiest.        
  While at the bar she turned to me and said, "When I start drinking I tend to get...friendly. So if I ask you up for a nightcap later, say 'No.'"  
  Some of my friends are disgusted by the vast terminology I use when describing the Brow.  nobrow - a moment that is shit and isn't in the spirit of lowbrow  hobrow - a moment about some girl...who's a ho.  bongbrow - a moment about drug use  longbrow - a lowbrow that's exceptionally long. definitely a gamble to read the whole thing. more often than not they end up being a pointless and shitty ramble, but every once in a while they're golden.  
   We sat on the smooth linoleum, loosely gathered around the kitchen.  The talk focussing on high school reminiscence, evilly shaped potatoes, feministic masogenists, and every other type of mundane cereal-box philosophy.  And then,  right out of the blue, like some super-star-studded-Romeo, he demanded that she let him lick the freckles off her skin. No joke. He wanted to lick each and every single fucking one of them until they came off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  When I get my hair cut, especially when they cut the little edges around my ears and the back of my neck, I get this tingling feeling in my whole body.  I swear it's almost as good as sex.  Feels so good, I'd get my hair cut every day if it would grow fast enough.  
  guy #1 first date. "may i kiss you?" he says, inches from my face. how can i say no? i want him so much, and we end up all but fucking. i fall in love with him, and i still cherish the memory of him asking me that, even though i can never speak to him again.  guy #2 has never really tried to do more than hug me. once put his hand on my thigh, once held my fingers with his pinkie. after i told him about making out with an ex, out of the blue he said, "i don't have time for a girlfriend, but i would really like a non-committed physical relationship, just someone to get wild with. i know it's wrong, though." the implication was there. he made me feel like a slut more than guy #1 sucking my breasts on the first date. i resolved never to let him so much as kiss me on the cheek.  is that as messed up as i think it is?  
  towards the end of the year last year, my girlfiend was in my dorm room with me.  we were going to have another go, but i thoguht i should give my folks a call first, to see when theyd be there, just to be safe.  so, she starts jacking me off while i call one number, have no luck, hang up and decide to call another number.  and, like clockwork, as soon as i say hi to my mom, shes going down on me.  mom never noticed.  but about 2 minutes after i hung up, a friend of mine let himself in to return a hub he borrowed from me...  sorry matt bob!  
  In addition to our daily regimen of weed and booze, The Reverend JJ Honk Kong and I used to crush No-Doz and snort it.  People around us didn't know exactly what the powder was and invariably assumed the worst. We were notorious.  One time Tom came into the kitchen and, eyes wide and jaw agape, said "Is that what I think it is?!!" He immediately dabbed his finger in it and put it in his mouth. Upon tasting the faint minty flavor of the No-Doz, he marched into the living room and announced "Those crazy fucks are snorting TUMS!"  Vivarin works too, and is a bit stronger, but gives you a nasty tasting poast-nasal drip.  
  My roommates and I exchanged emails over the summer while they they were gone and I took care of the apt. by myself.  On of my roommates sent out a mass email, and asked us each some questions on it.  For me the question was: Hey, hope the plants are still alive, how are they?  I *panicked*.  Shit, how the fuck did she know about the marijuana plants?!?  Oh, yeah.  She was just asking me about the plants she asked me to water in her room.  They were fine.  Thank God I was not found out.   
  The Aussie Slanguage - Key terms in no particular order.  ~~~~  You can't polish a turd.  ~~~~  
  A leopard skin print cotton dress appears to be the cheap imitation that it is.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I'm kissing her neck, she (inbetween gasps) comments  "If I was a male, I'd have the biggest erection right now."  Works for me.  
   Another Saturday Night, And I Ain't Got No Money...  I crawl around the floor, picking up spare change. I finally collect $2, enough for one PBR. OK! A night out on the town! I hit up the sports bar and sip my precious PBR slowly. What's the opposite of a Stag night? I forget. Anyway, ten women come come in, one wearing a bride's headdress. Another has on one of those treasure-hunt T-shirts, stretched across her ample titties, where you can check off individual items. We start at the top: "Boxer shorts." Easy. I pop into the bathroom. They photograph them and hand them back. (Good -- they never saw the skid marks.) They buy me a beer. I get to check the box right on her titties. We continue: "Moon shot," with camera proof. Easy. They buy me a beer. I check the box, slowly and carefully. Next: "Hairy chest." This is too easy. They buy me a beer. I take my time checking the box. Next: "Dance with a stud." Piece of cake. I whirl the bridelet away to the dance floor. They buy me a Guinness. I check the box, taking about five minutes, to lots of giggles. Next: "Full Monty." The bar is full by now, with lots of people watching us. A moon shot is trivial, but..? They buy me another Guinness. I gulp and give them a very quick Full Monty (I hadn't put my boxers back on yet). The whole bar erupts. They buy me another Guinness. Checking the box this time, I explain that I need to reach my hand under her shirt to get a firm surface to write on. She loves it. So do her friends. So I spent $2, had 3 PBRs and six pints of Guinness, and got to spend an evening with ten frisky women. So what if I'm now splashed all over the Internet? What's pride, anyway?  
  So I was picking my nose and a coworker came in.  I drop my hand below the desk and flick the booger off - I thought.  I go to brush my hair away from my forehead and a momement goes by.  Then: "You've got something on your forehead."   My booger hitched a ride.    Boogers are immune to newtonian physics sometimes.  No matter how hard you accelerate them, they stay with the finger.  It's not simply that they are sticky enough to resist staying in motion when the finger is at rest, because they come off pretty easily onto something else.    Strong nuclear force?  Nothing compared to strong booger force.  
  I found myself in a movie theater bathroom pissing in the stall. A woman voice said hi to me from behind. I told her not to worry, I'd put the seat back down. I had no idea I was in the wrong bathroom but the lack of shit on the wall and no urinals should have given it away. WHat I dont get is how womens bathroom toiletes get piss all over them? Is there another urethrea I dont know about?  
  My dad had all these little canisters of nitrous oxide in boxes in the kitchen. He said, Oh those are for making whipped cream..my freind has a restaraunt, I'm keeping it for him...  I said "nitrous...that's what the dentist gives me... you can get really high from that stuff." Then I pulled out a dictionary, showed him what nitrous was... he acted non-chalantly unaware.  A few nights later when I was stealing pot from his secret stash, I found the the nitrous canisters and the tank for dispensing and breathing the stuff in.    Hey, my dad is even cooler than I thought...but why would he lie to me about the nitrous? He had already offered me my first joint.  
  last summer (01) I was having this party with some friends at my place.  This girl and I are flirting with each other, I've had a crush on her for a while.  towards the end of the night, we're all pretty wasted. She's sitting on my lap and we're kinda necking and dosing off.  My roomate is sitting accross from me and her best friend is sitting in a chair to our left.  My hand creeps up her thigh.  I started fingering her, thinking yeah kevin and amy are asleep, they won't see what's going on. They'll have no idea what happened tonight when they wake up tommorow.  I found out the next morning, kevin & amy weren't asleep.   
  I wake everyday after the 6PM, for god knows why?  My whole life is one moment.. a low brow one at that.  I wake to do what?  Get on the computer, pretend to be someone I am not, to be good at something I am not.  For who?  For this fake self-esteem, which isn't even existant in a fake presence.     ..and if I wasn't so wasted, that would have made sense.  
  look closer no even closer see that its your nose print on the bitch cos your too fucking close ha ha made you look  here i was thinking we  all  out grew the terrible twos        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm a pretty moderate pothead, and I never take risks with officials, let alone smuggle pot into Cuba, where you get severe sentences for drug vices. I am a man.  My travelling compagnion is a crazy potsmoking psycho, but she 's a girl with a cute face and huge breasts.  I get thoroughly frisked and even had to take off my shoes at the airport, and she gets a class A-treatment.  That's just plain sad. And sexist.  
  We tried to start a band using only sex toys. You know, kinda like STOMP or Blue Man Group but with dildos and whips and whatnot. Thought that it would have been something new and differant, possibly a revolution in music.    What started as a simple rehearsal ended up in the most hardcore orgy I have ever experienced.   Who says what music is anyway?  
   Spreading The Wealth  On the few occasions that I'm forced to use a cyber-cafe, I always consider it my duty to go round all the computers and switch the home page to LowBrow. There is now a 400-mile trail of cyber-cafes in Scotland and England where the customers are being properly introduced to culture. I do the same thing at public libraries, of course, but not in the kiddies section -- that would be taking duty a little too far.  
  There are two possibilities for a day in my life.  There are the not-so-bad days, where I can wake up, take a shit that doesn't leave me cursing my existence, have a shower, lounge, and go smoke pot with my friend Steve.  Then there are the bad days, where my body explodes into that porcelain bastard in the bathroom and I sit on the floor in the shower wishing I had a knife to cut my wrists. I can't do anything. I sit in my room, reloading lowbrow and trying to feel better but I can't.  At night, I listen to some Kid Loco or Chicane and wish I was dead while madly looking for a bit of resin in my pipes.  There never is any.  
  My moment consisted of 10 steps!  1. I believed AOL love was real!  2. I fell in love.  3. I followed that love, moved to Dallas, Texas.  4. She never picked me up from the train station!  5. I slept in that train station.  6. Tried to go home and my train was delayed 12 hours because it lost all power.  7. Train is now 20 minutes outside of Dallas and hits a deaf woman on the tracks and is delayed 6 hours.  8. Train finally arrives 18 hours later.  9. I have $1.82 in my pocket!  10. 15 minutes after i board the train, it derails!   * train # 1313 ** 13 people were hurt *** 13 cars derailed  Hmmmmmmm? WHATEVER AOL!!!!  
  I received an email asking me why I have such a bad attitude toward my fellow man. I don't. Really, I love my fellow man. You all look so cute through my scope.   
  after a nite of drinking i made a truly clear and well reasoned decision.  i decide to tell my wife of 6 years about an affair i had with a neighbor, also married.   then, after i brought to light the fact, i attempted to take it back as nothing more than a pathetic grab for attention.  the low point came when i enlisted the 3rd party in this sordid mess to help me represent the first addmission as absurd.  there we where, the 2 of us, guilty as sin, trying to tell my wife that it was a bad joke.  lying to the point of ridiculousness while she was totally in the right with her responses.  very low  
  I'm the fat guy you see at the mall with the hot girlfriend.  
  once, when i was four, i tried to take a car radio and plug it into the wall jack... no good. i blew out half of the circuit breakers, threw myself across the room, and smashed my head into the wall. i just wanted to listen to james brown in style...  
  "No, I never had sex with an animal. Not by your definition of sex... Define sex."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I get the urge sometimes to throw a hair dryer in the bathtub. Just to see what would happen.  Would there be lightening skittering across the water, like a fork in the microwave? Or would it just be a pop and some smoke?   Can someone tell me? I don't want to lose my only freezer defroster.  
   It Takes A Strong Man To Love A Strong Woman  Patrick McEnroe, commenting on Andre Agassi at the 2002 U.S. Open: "Just think -- this guy has won seven tennis Grand Slam titles, but then he goes home to his wife [Steffi Graf], and she's won fifteen more than him..."  
  I'm currently fascinated by fat sex. I fucked a fat guy once, it was an experience both complicated logistically and unpleasant. I'm considering gaining about a hundred pounds so I can experience fat sex from that viewpoint. Then, I can fuck a really fat guy and have covered all the experimental bases. I know I should include having lesbian sex with a fat chick but I don't dare. You could fall into a fold and never be seen again. I really really need a hobby.  
  My family was out of town for the weekend and my girlfiend and I got Funk-Nasty, loud and naked in the basement. We did the doggy style for at least a half an hour in front of my brothers bedroom door. When we finished we chilled on the couch for a minute, and my brother came out of his room and went upstairs.  :(  
  Ahh wireless networking...  Remember.  Me and you may be reading lowbrow right at this moment.  However...  I  may  be taking a shit right now.    
  so i work for a legal firm that represents a huge corporation thats gettin sued.  all the work has been done but the lawsuit drags on.  so i get paid very well to do absolutely nothing.  and i work out of my house.  do the math.  want to know who pays me?  you do.    life as a parasite is very hard to justify ideologically.  but who cares?  
  Leather Thong Underwear: 1 Me: 0  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         im sitting on my couch with my dog, and the boy i am currently fucking... my dog starts to lick my face and he sticks his tongue in my mouth... i realised not only does he have better breath than the boy im fucking but he sloppers a whole lot less when he "kisses" me i think its time to find someone else to fuck  
  Me: "Hey Spiel, how's it going?"  Spiel: "I squeezed my cat's head because I thought it was my balls."  Me: "......"  
  So I'm a librarian, right?  And this guy comes up to the reference desk looking for some books.  I happen to help him.  He's looking for books on sex...which aren't bad, except one is a shitty book by Tim LaHaye (the wacko who helped write the Left Behind series...gag).  And why is he looking for these books?  Because he's getting married and his premarital counselor told him to read them.  And why do I know this?  Because he told me.  And what makes it bad?  He's my apartment maintenence guy, and he's kinda cute, and he's been in my bedroom more than any man since I've moved here.  Putting in ceiling fans and filters and whatnot takes some time.  Anyway, we both were very uncomfortable and it was weird.  I hope the books help.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friends were doing a test today where they had two bottles of CocaCola, but one of them had a Pepsi wrapper on (drank all the pepsi, poured in Coke).  They then gave blind taste tests to see which one people liked better, and then took off the paper to reveal the wrappers, to see if the brand name influenced consumers taste.  I thought it would be a great idea to pee in the Pepsi bottle.  When it proved that people chose Pepsi over Coke, even with my piss in it, you could send the results to PepsiCo and tell them to use it as their new ad campaign.  "Even with piss in it, people still prefer Pepsi over CocaCola."  
  Greg leaned closer. His warm masculine smell wafted past me. His beautiful smile faded, his expression turned serious.  "I have something to tell you." Oh, this must be it!  He is going to ask me to marry him!  I thought.  It tried to hide the smile on my face. Let him think he's surpising you.  I thought again. "What is it Greg?" He paused to find those fateful words... "I'm gay, and I had sex with your cousin Jeff."  Greg you motherfucker!  
  Listening to the crackle of a bad connection and the bad dentist work (or lack of dentist work) in my headset at work; I ask the man with a drawl to please give me his phone number area code first..."um I think its 30457," he says..."no sir thats your zip code," I routinely say.   Luring southern men into purchasing Magazine subscriptions is an added bonus to my paycheck.  Screwing up their order is a personal satisfaction.          
  So there I am Post-Op in the hospital recovery room just waking up. I was in a lot of pain and very confused so I raised my hand to get the attencion of one of the nurses. Well they both looked right at me and ignored me. So I proceed to start throwing off my face mask and pulling at wires. One of them runs over with a needle and tells me they're gonna give me some demerol for the pain. Couple minutes after that nurse comes back asks me how I am, I say no good she gives me another shot. She comes back again and says how are you now, I say Oh I'm just fine, she says lets just give you a little more just in case. She comes back one more time and I feel great, she asks how I'm doing I say I feel great I don't need anymore demerol, she says well one more can't hurt. After that I was done. Yeah trips to the Hospital.  
  seattle city buses always smell like urine...  1ce was riding the madrona park bus from downtown...crowded, forced to sit near the sleeping bums in back.  the gentlemen sitting next to me: reeked of formaldehyde, body covered in the soot and stink of sleeping under park benches and in the backs of buses.  he was out cold.  never made a sound, never shifted position.  just once let out an enormous contended sigh and left a puddle on the bus seat.  in his sleep, like a newborn  aah what the hell.  i prefer to stand on a bus anyway.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I spent the morning sleep deprived, with smeared makeup all over my face, and a needle in my arm.  its 2am i get off work..watching strippers all night..feeling frisky..want to wake up bf.. dead asleep..3:30 crawl into bed.. move around and shift and wiggle a whole lot as an attempt to stirr him out of sleep.. doesnt work.. *damnit* decided to just wait till 5am and wake him up and be like yes lets go now.. since he had to get up at 5:30.. good plan.. waste time..5am.. woooohooooooo crawl into bed... nudge nudge.. woohoo hes awake..so we go at it.. normal sex..*wonderful orgasm* but *gasp* he doesnt get off.. "what the hell is wrong with you asshole..your going to fuck me till YOU get off too" resume sex.. this time harder and faster than you ever imagined.. im ridin him like there is no tomorrow.. come down really hard... and the pain just seeps up into my organs.. i fight it and keep going.. im a hardcore bitch ... ya.. so he puts me on all fours.. and is fuckin the hell out of me.. and hits that spot again.. i pull away..double over in pain.. laying there... in tears.. *yes it hurt that bad* .. im like gawwwwwwwwwwd .. hes all worried and takes me to the hospital when i pass out..i wake up.. theres some woman.. with a needle in her hand and i dont know where i am.. its been 3 weeks i still have a bruise on my arm from that whore.. she was like michael j fox incarnate.. *grrr* passed back out.. woke up to a woman entering the room.. "honey, do you know what a catheter is"  the beer i drank after work= 8$ for a 6pk  the tube of ky jelly we'd been using all week=4$  the hospital bill=300$ (being military rocks)  going to the hospital at 6am laying on a table, having a catheter, michael j fox taking blood, and finding out that you have a urinary track infection = priceless  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do post-adolescent goths just wake up one afternoon realise "Holy fuck, it  was  just a phase!", put on some Dockers, and go to work in the human resources departments of multi-nationals or something? I don't see any old goths around. Maybe they all just evenually die from a vitamin d deficiency.  
  I've been told that I curse worse than a sailor.   This is coming from a large burly tattooed man, so maybe I should take heed.   
  ok so there is a lot of crap that has happened and is happening right now and a ton of awful bullshit still yet to come on this sinecurveultrafluxuation death drive but sometimes the simple is the sublime i saw my childs heart beating on the seven week ultrasound screen and looked at my wife and realized what is real and what is important         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So one day in Quincy market I was discussing accents with my best friend.  Wondering what her ideal accent would be, I asked what kind of accent she would like to have.  Without hesitation she answered "Pirate"  We now look forward to learning leprachaun and cowboy as well.  
  Working in my crappy little office one day and the boss comes in and says "I need some labels."  I said "how about 'good touch - bad touch'."  Right over her head.  
    Take it easy, and if its easy, take it twice.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Another Saturday Night, And I Ain't Got No Money...  I crawl around the floor, picking up spare change. I finally collect $2, enough for one PBR. OK! A night out on the town! I hit up the sports bar and sip my precious PBR slowly. What's the opposite of a Stag night? I forget. Anyway, ten women come come in, one wearing a bride's headdress. Another has on one of those treasure-hunt T-shirts, stretched across her ample titties, where you can check off individual items. We start at the top: "Boxer shorts." Easy. I pop into the bathroom. They photograph them and hand them back. (Good -- they never saw the skid marks.) They buy me a beer. I get to check the box right on her titties. We continue: "Moon shot," with camera proof. Easy. They buy me a beer. I check the box, slowly and carefully. Next: "Hairy chest." This is too easy. They buy me a beer. I take my time checking the box. Next: "Dance with a stud." Piece of cake. I whirl the bridelet away to the dance floor. They buy me a Guinness. I check the box, taking about five minutes, to lots of giggles. Next: "Full Monty." The bar is full by now, with lots of people watching us. A moon shot is trivial, but..? They buy me another Guinness. I gulp and give them a very quick Full Monty (I hadn't put my boxers back on yet). The whole bar erupts. They buy me another Guinness. Checking the box this time, I explain that I need to reach my hand under her shirt to get a firm surface to write on. She loves it. So do her friends. So I spent $2, had 3 PBRs and six pints of Guinness, and got to spend an evening with ten frisky women. So what if I'm now splashed all over the Internet? What's pride, anyway?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just got back from a camping trip and this thought came to my mind: why can't pussy taste like black peppered beef jerky? I love going down on a girl, but i'd be out of control if that were the case. mmm, black peppered beef jerky... sorry, just a random thought.  
  i was pulling out of a parking spot, and nailed some parked van. i backed into a fucking parked car.  the worst part was that about 2 weeks earlier my family had been laughing our asses off about my grandma backing up into a car and that she should have her license taken away.  
  Britain used to allow corporal punishment in schools. All the teachers were actually issued a Government-approved leather strap, called a Glengarry. I don't think there were any published guidelines for its use, but "six of the strap" on the hands became the de facto limit. We got a student teacher who was rather high-strung. Leaving school one day, I noticed him driving out in a Renault Gordini. On the outside, it looked almost like all the other econo-box Renaults, but the Gordini Brothers were the French equivalent of Britain's Lotus, and their Renault was awesome and very, very rare. So I gave him a wolf-whistle of admiration. No doubt thinking I was just a car-ignorant yobbo being sarcastic, he slewed to a halt and screamed: "Come to my classroom at 9am, young man!" When I knocked on the classroom door, he grabbed his brand-new Glengarry, told the class to read something, and hauled me out to the corridor. He picked me up by my uniform lapels and banged me against the window, breaking it, whiles screaming in rage. Then came the strap. I could hear the class counting: "One, two, three, four, five, six! Eh... seven? eight? nine!? ten?? ..." Then they subsided into apalled silence. The final total was sixteen. The headmaster called my mother and asked if she wanted to press charges and have the teacher removed, but the vicious old cow couldn't understand what all the fuss was about -- she'd done much worse to me, after all. On the last day of school, organisation traditionally went out the window. Students wandered around the corridors visiting classrooms at random. I found myself in the student teacher's classroom. The place was full, because he'd brought in his record player and they were playing pop music, Dave Clark 5 and such mush. I idly leafed through his crappy albums, then: " Dave Brubeck! " He, shyly (we'd never talked since my belting): "You know Dave Brubeck?" We removed the cued-up stack on the record player, and put on "Take Five". The room emptied out in no time, so he and I spent the rest of the day blissing out together, best buddies. He offered a belated apology for the beating, and thanked me for letting him keep his job. Me: "Accepted, if you give my a ride in your Gordini." He: "You  know  its a Gordini?! Oh Jesus -- I'd no idea! Son, I'm really, really sorry..."  
  I was at a new year's party and they had a bunch of those little basket things where you click it and it shoots a ball out and you are supposed to catch it back in the basket.  I guess it was a party favor of some sort.  Anyway, I put a dice from our yahtzee game in it, then put a penny on top of the dice.  I looked at my friend and said, "heads or tails and pick a number."  He said, "heads 4."  I clicked it and it flew up into the air and landed on the ground.  "Oh my god, it's heads 4!" I exclaimed.  After a while there were about 6 of us sitting in the corner drunk "placing bets" on heads or tails and which number.  We must have played that for 45 minutes.  Extremely fun and lowbrow.  
  I've never been a morning person.  Ever.  The fact that I'd try to savor every last moment of a day by staying up late didn't help my situation in the mornings, either; so having to wakeup at 7 AM as a kid who doesn't sleep easy and hates waking up to begin with can leave one a tad bit disoriented.  So, I was about 8 or so.  I wake up one morning, completely groggy and not knowing what the hell was going on.  Newborns probably had a better idea of what they were doing than I did at the time.  "I have to take a crap" I thought to myself.  So I walk across the hall into the bathroom.  Standing in my underwear I glanced at the toilet, then the sink, then the tub, then back at the toilet.  I was still confused.  So, I took off my underwear, spread my legs a bit and let a log fall right onto the floor.  I came back to my senses about the same time I heard a nice little *splat*.  Hey, I was a kid, give me a break!  My poor dad had to clean it up.  
  I'm mexican, so my Windows OS is in Spanish. The sad part, though, is that, literally translated to everyday Mexican Spanish, the "printers" window that says "6 documents on printing queue" would actually say:  "Six Documents up your arse"  (Seis documentos en la cola)    
  I look behind me and think, "Did I just create THAT past?  Was it ME who made THOSE STUPID mistakes?"  Then I wondered, "Could my shadow have taken part in this?"        
  The only reason I let the little dyke in my apartment is cuz she occasionally ate out my roommate, and I somewhat enjoyed listening to that.  That, and she usually brought weed.  So we get this hysterical phone call from her one day, completely out of left field, saying what assholes we were. "WTF?" says we.  Turns out she was convinced we had lifted a bag of pot from her the night before.  Point of fact: I've NEVER stolen pot from anyone, mainly because I only toke with friends, and you just don't do your friends like that.   So we told her she was a crazy bitch and hung up.  Later that day we found the weed out in the parking lot, where she had dropped it.  Well of course we kept it. We had already been accused of taking it, after all.  
  Yeah, I know it's supposed to be pathetic admitting to truly liking the Spice Girls. The part I cannot admit to friends was how I actually WEPT with joy first time I saw them.        
  They were in bed.  "I love you," she said.  "If you ever feel the need to say that again," he gestured violently to the door. "Go into the living room, say it, and come back when you're finished."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  One time, my friend and I had to use the bathroom after seeing a movie at the theatre. There were only three urinals, and one was taken. So we had no problem.  Then the guy next to me let out this huge fart. I couldn't help myself. I just began laughing.  Then my friend joined in with me.  Then the guy next to me started laughing too. That freaked my friend and I enough that we stopped peeing and just left.  It's just not right when the person you're ridiculing joins in.  
  I am self-lubricating.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Under the heading of Things We Should NEVER Have To See:  The woman that the neighborhood refers to as "Sasquatch" (and rightly so), standing in her front yard wearing micro-shorts and a tube top, holding up her tiny rat-dog in one hand and wiping its ass with the other. Where the hell is my camera when I need it?  
  I was in primary school and the girl sitting next to me dropped her piece of paper on the ground. I tried to be a gentleman and bent down to pick it up for her. She unfortunately also bent down to pick it up and somehow when she was getting back up she managed to drag the piece of paper across my eye. So next time you get an ordinary paper cut on your finger shut your fucking winging  
  My dad's a firefighter/paramedic.  He tells me he gets emergency calls for people who have stuck broom, mop, or rake handles up their butts...and gotten them stuck.    Stuck, man, stuck.  He tells me this happens on a regular basis.    I never had the nerve to ask him what they do about it.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I always heard that New Yorkers were indifferent to people but never experienced it until I had the following happen to me. My little brother and I were standing outside a restaurant waiting for our parents. I called him an asshole. He kicked me full out in the nuts. You'd figure that at least SOMEONE would stop for a kid rolling around in the street crying and holding his nuts. Nope. They just step over (or on) you. Fucking New York.  
  she moaned and screamed my name as my manhood throbbed...ever minute more passionate than the one before... we would both climax together...just minutes from ectasy...when the operator broke in and said, "you have one minute left on your calling card."       
  I think all the Trekies of the world are just waiting for William Shatner to die.  That way they will have someplace to visit and wallow together with others who share their obsession.  kinda like elvis fans at graceland  
  You know, women are always complaining that their man wants them to shave their bush. Well I'll tell ya what, I love it... a bush free snatch is the greatest! As a matter of fact, if a guy told me to grow it out, I think I'd buy him a chia-pet and tell him to fuck it. Does this make me strange? Perhaps. Do I care?? Not one damn bit.   
  quote ok ok ok ok ok now shit read that one too  one more and if ive already read it i quit ok shit read it ok one more shit one more  two am one more  fuck my junk unplug my lowbrow and its go time  endquote  t on lowbrow 01 15 00 2am    
  I had a bitch girlfriend in high school, but I kept going out with her so I could have easy access to her single mom.   My girlfriend never figured out why I was waiting at her house before her shift ended at Taco Bell.    She thought I was being nice.  
  When I was little, I had a horrible infection on my left ankle.  My mother asked my sister to get the bandaids. About five minutes later, she comes back with a jar of mayonaisse and says,"Do you need a knife with that?"   My sister is an idiot.  
  If you fill up small trash bags full of water and dropped them from ten stories it sounds like a gun going off. it also looks pretty cool.   
  Bum smiling. Sleeping, dreaming of the sweetrock candy mountain.  His bed was next to the 2nd Ave. subway stop.   He lay in a puddle of liquid feces, his pants stained brown.  I don't look twice. Hours later it hits me. I'm officially jaded.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like that there seems to be a whole group of people here whose first thought, upon getting caught cheating on a loved one, or getting arrested, or destroying personal property, is not "Oh, shit" but "I have something to post!"  
  Today at lunch I got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it.  It's almost like calling the psychic hotline and having them hang up on you.  I think I should stay inside today.  
  I keep coming here because I really do want to know. No matter how shameful, petty, crazy, egomaniacal, or boring. Plus, I'm avoiding housework.        
  i had the headphones on playing really loud and was lying back on my bed stoned, eyes closed in extacy and stroking my cock....a few minutes later and i noticed a cup of tea next to me on the table, a kind thought from my mom  
  some a y'all be bustin the "i'm a regula, i got this ish dialed, i commentin' meta style on the lowbrow" as if its some kinda critical theory of sign and signified.  yo. it ain't.  onetime tamara, a popular girl of significantly darker hue than me, told me on the playground that she liked me (was it my running style? my hops? my breakdancin? prolly not) and when in complete prepubescent befuddlement i told her 'na lady, na' and turned to meet some homies, she (tamara) threw a bigass rock and domed me good.  meta that byoches.  
  I've come back from a party.. I can't stand myself.  I haven't had one drink, and have done things worse than I would if I did have a couple.  Maybe being drunk is a good excuse after all.. just wish I wouldn't be lying.     I am in such horrific shit right now.  
  If I were an angel, I would have a mighty colon and a crack aim.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One could say that the kid had too much attitude for his own good. He had been caaght speeding. He pleasded "guilty", with a defiant look. The magistrate said "That'll be $500!" The punk reached into his pocket, swaggered up to the bench, slapped it down on the judge's bench, pulled his baggy ghetto trousers up, and his sunglasses down over eyes, and started to walk away. "Wait a second, son!", called the magistrate to the punk.  "Why don't you", he continued, "reach into that other pocket of yours and pull me out SIX MONTHS!"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Cause And Effect  In the waning years of the Soviet Union, Michael Gorbachev tried to increase productivity by weaning the population from their addiction to Vodka. Shortly thereafter, Soviet jet fighters started to crash on a regular basis. Pilots getting the shakes? Nope Populace getting the hydraulic fluid that worked the wing controls, landing gear ... Pure alcohol. After armed guards were posted around every jet fighter in the country, the problem  mostly  went away. Mostly? So the pilots  were  getting the shakes, after all! Nope. Guards getting the hydraulic fluid that worked the wing controls...  
  One time back in junior high school, taking a drink at a water fountain...  This wiseass and his friend come up behind me and say, "Hey what's that smell?" and snigger, obviously referring to me (not that I smelled, or at least I don't think so)...  I of course respond, in true junior high fashion, "must be your upper lip", and walk off...  A couple of minutes later, someone behind me says, "Hey you"...  I turn around just in time to catch a padlock in the mouth, which was hooked over his middle finger...  Walked all the way across the school, bleeding like hell, and nobody bothered to check to see if I was okay...  
  my friend and I once ate 2 boxes of No-doze each,   a few hours later we were on the phone to poison control.   the guy on the other end of the line replied   "do you know how completly stupid that was"  
  Bathtub Jim's Wimmin Stories # 2:  "Once you fuck a woman up the ass, you will never feel anything but superiority over her. She could be President of the United fucking States, standing up there taking the oath, and you can say, 'Hey, I fucked you up the ass. I've taken everything!'"  
  I was playing solitaire today, and after losing many, many times I said, "Why must you be a metaphor for my life?"  
  I was in town visiting a friend from high school. After a night out, we decide to roll.   Between four of us, we all take two, except this cute guy. He could only afford one. After a while, I gave him another, in hopes that we could get it on eventually.  A bit later, we decide to break up the last two and share them between the four of us.   We crowd into the bathroom and each take our piece. Moments after I've ingested it, I puke on the cute guy.  I didn't get to get it on with him. At least I felt better about giving him something for free.  
  my wife lets me piss in the sink because she doesn't have to clean up around the toilet as much  ah, middle age.  i can hardly wait till i'm 80.  imagine what she'll let me get away with then  
  I had shoulder length hair.   Last week I had it cut short and had blue streaks put in it.   I paid one hundred dollars for the haircut.   Now I don't have to pull a wad of my own hair out of the crack of my ass on a daily basis.   It might have been worth the cost.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I was driving down the street one day i thought to myself "By golly, that one way sign is facing the wrong direction."  
  quoteth the mammal im not homophobic or anything but theres no fucking way i can work for some fairy endquote  question what the hell do you think homophobia is exclaim i        
  the scenario:  5:00 am.  i wake up and run to the bathroom for the third time in two hours.  *please let me make it*  shit! (literally) someone's in that bathroom. run upstairs, make it just in time. finish my business.   reach for the toilet paper...god damn it!!! while still sitting i crane my neck around and search through the bathroom cupboard in hopes of paper towels, kleenex, a relativly clean sock...anything. Yes!! baby wipes! they probably won't clog the toilet right? wow, these work really well...don't really smell like baby wipes though...fuck, they're burning me! what the hell?  the moral:  if you decide to store lysol cleaning wipes with bleach in a baby wipes container, label the box, ok?  
  As a child growing up in the midwest, I took pity on one of the less popular kids in our elementary school and decided to hang out with him after school.  He invited me over to his house which was filthy, and I don't mean filthy like a couple dirty dishes in the sink, and some clothes on the floor.  I mean filthy like a couple dozen dirty dishes in the living room, and no way to walk through the house without stepping on dirty clothes.  I swear, I didn't realize that people could own so many clothes.  He invited me downstairs to play Nintendo, and I agreed, perhaps assuming that downstairs might be less, well, disgusting....no such luck.  It was cleaner, no doubt.  But the putrid stench of old urine was pervasive, I swore that I could smell it on my clothes for weeks afterwards.  Sadly, I don't think he saw anything wrong with his family's living situation, and I never had the guts to tell him why nobody liked him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         dairy queen's 2.99 daily lunch special gave me violent, liquidy bowel movements.  
  I got all industrious and was mowing the lawn one Saturday morning, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. There was the weird hippy woman from down the street. She said she was giving tarot and aura readings during her yard sale and could I mow the lawn some other time, as the noise was "interfering with her reception." I just stood and stared at her until she went away. Then I mowed my yard, the empty house next door's yard, and then just let the mower run in the driveway until it ran out of gas.  Guess that pretty much fucks my karma, huh?  
  we have a running joke that someday, my breasts are going to leap off of my chest and plopplopplop make their way down the hall and down stairs to have tea with him.  they'll share tea and crumpets and have lovely conversation. just him and my breasts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Telemarketers call like crazy when you live in college and in a apartment. guess they think they can con stupid drunkards like ourselves into their devilish spiderweb of encyclopedias and credit cards.  Me and Jim used to handle these people when they called us. I used to say alot of "If your not selling whores im not interested!!" They never know what to say after that.  Jim had this one time where someone called him and he said " You know what let me ask YOU a few questions!" He asked him the most random things  and the guy played along...what a sport. But your soul is still damned in eternal hell even though he answered the question "When you fuck someone is it love making or a deep vegeneful hate fuck? Like with angry eyebrows and intentions to hurt?"  
  Upon graduating from firefighting academy, it was our day of honor.  We all marched out in our dress blues with our badges shining, our flags flowing in the wind.  I was a flag bearer.  I was carrying the academy flag.  It was  proud moment until i slipped and cut my scrotum open with the end of the flag, then scream FUCK!! as loud as i could as my face slid across the pavement.  At least  5 cadets behind me tripped on top of me. It was  a sight to behold as the ambulance pulled up to pick up a squeeling bleeding cadet in front of his family and 5000 other family members.  It was a day of honor.  
  My dad has decided since all of us kids are now adults, he can share his sexual humor with us. He recently told me in an email that he couldn't wait to show me all the bizarre porn he'd found on the internet since he got a computer. I'm taking apart an old speaker asap to get that bigass magnet and running it over his harddrive. It should take the remainder of my visit to have it "fixed".  I know he needs a hobby but c'mon.   
  I spent the afternoon quietly, drifting in and out of sleep, with an elephant sized dose of methadone inside me.  I was again waiting for Frank Black to call for his interview.  Oh, black, black Francis.        
  Love is asking your mom for a hot italian meal and receiving a plate of chef boyardee spaghetti and meatballs cooked in a microwave older than you for 2 minutes and 30 seconds.  
  walked to liquor store on the corner(from my work) to get my usual fix of caffiene. one of the clerks(usually THREE (kings) of em...never working)was just standing by one of the aisles of candy. he looks over at me and says hi..and then proceeds to say "what's this" while looking at the floor at which appears to be smudged chocolate. Before I can even say "uhhh.." and stop him...he bends down with a napkin picks up the brown sludge and puts it right up to his nose and instantly throws it and goes "OH MYYYY GOdddddd". I tried so hard not to laugh...i paid for my soda and walked back to my work laughing my ass off the whole way.  
  Dangeroo 3:  So, on Christmas Eve, Dangeroo tells me the result of our animal pelt comparison study is that she's pregnant.  My life is over, at 21.  Stuck with a fat, dull, lazy bitch for life. And a baby, at 21.  Christmas is hell.  New Year is even worse.  Then she tells me she made it up because she was mad at me.  And is mystified why I never speak to her again.  
  Everyone else was getting drunk, but I was happy with my pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  one time my doggy got into the trash, and apparently ate a bunch of seran wrap. she was walking around with seran wrap sticking out of her butthole. we had to use two sticks as pliers to pull the thing out. poor doggy.  
  I don't smoke. I don't drink. I exercise three times a week. I have long blonde hair and bright green eyes. I can sing on key. I like to listen to opera. I'm 17 years old.   Aren't I splendid?  
  So Madonna's baby is growing up. I hope the kid's homeschooled. Ever kid had enough problems with children calling your mother a slutty whore without being able to get proof of it from a library.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I woke to my roomate's friend, an up and coming pornography director, breathing heavily by my bed, looking down at me with a crazed expression. I was both flattered, being that he prefered me after hours of watching naked bitches fuck elephants or whatever they did, but at the same time I freaked out and screamed, always remembering to lock my door before going to sleep after that.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was young I used to use a lot of toilet paper to wipe my ass.  My mother was always bitching about it to my sisters who she was sure was using it all up.  I got away.  Scott free.  
  Ever since I lived with the slob who used chewing tobacco I can't drink beer out of dark brown bottles.  Apparently they're very handy if you're lazy and need to spit.  Even though I don't live with him anymore, the beer goes in a clear glass.    
  I guess I have spent an awful lot of energy pretending I'm not hurt in certain situations in my life.  Like when the girl makes a good point and I feel crushed because I've already acted on the premise that she believed what I believed about it, or at least she was willing to go along with what I'd been saying about it.  "It" usually having something to do with how blow jobs are NEEDED in a relationship.  No joke.  
  I was once in Mexico, i was visting with a beutifull woman from San Salvadore. She produced a flap of tinfoil, a straw, and a lighter.She unfolded the tinfoil and gave me the straw.In her broken english she said "You Smoke.", I asked her what it was and she said "It won't kill you." So I smoked it...  
   Today was one o those days, when i droped my pants--looked down--and thought--where the hell did my underwear go?   
  even if it were true that the mars probes were destroyed by life on mars and even if the pyrammids in their odd alignment do prove that we have been visited before and may be the decendants of an extraterrestrial lifeform it still doesnt negate the fact that you hafta get up tomorrow and go to work and pay the bills i still cant believe that i have had to say that to three separate people now         
  they had a hand-held showerhead in the bathroom of a house i was staying at a few months ago. every time i showered i was haunted by the mental image that every member of the household had, without a doubt, pointed that hand-held nozzle directly at their privates. what can i say? so did i.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A small piece of advice:  If you haven't had an orgasam in a while, DO NOT masturbate while lying on your back.  Your own semen in your ear can kind of ruin that special moment.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          //Start rant here  Just a little note to the people out there that think college students are lazy etc...  I'm working 20 hrs a week, plus 18 hrs worth of lectures/labs.  On top of that I put in about 20 hours of study at home.  This leaves me with sweet f.a. time for myself.  Thats cool, my decision.  I chose to keep studying.  But it'd be bloody nice if the people i work with got off my back about only working part time hours.  I guess thats the point of this little rant.  Its 4 am and i'm sitting here pounding out code, trying to make the damn shit run properly, while he's in bed, snoring soundly.  I've got to be in class in a bit over 4 hours.  Can't see me getting ANY sleep tonight.  But tomorrow they'll shake their heads again about the "part time workers - i dunno, come and go as you please(whinge moan)"  //end of rant //back to work  
  when i was in high school, i went to a concert and drank 3/4 of a fifth of jagermeister. later that night, i puked all over my hotel room...in the corners, under chairs, under the bed, in the nightstand. i think i also pissed all over the bathroom floor. but i can't remember.   i pity the poor maid.  
  Earlier in the year my mother had a fondue party.  I enjoyed it.  Especially whne her 40 year old friends said sexual things.          
  I went to a New Year's house party once when I was in high school.  One huge guy was passed out in the doorway, a puddle of his own puke haloing his head.  People would just step on him to get thru the door.  He would puke a little bit more every time someone stepped on him.  It was like gently squeezing a juice box.  A juice box filled with puke.  -Doc-  
  Driving home, I thought of a woman who I hadn't talked to in months. We'd had a furtive and confused affair while we worked out of town, and continued it after we came back. I wondered why we hadn't talked for so long. She's probably tired of fucking a married guy, I thought.  I call her. I was right. She's really depressed and totally at loose ends, and can't figure out why she KEEPS fucking married guys. She doesn't express any interest in seeing me, or anyone.  But we keep talking, and I'm all empathy and a shoulder to cry on. And I mention, do you want to get together to talk? Like, this week?  This week, while my wife's out of town?  Lowbrow motherfucker.  
   Even More Opera Lowbrow  The director had been coaching the female chorus on one song all week, and the male chorus had nothing to do but sit and watch. Gorgeous song -- some hypnotic Serbo-Croatian chant sung in five or six female parts, with complicated choreography, but  all week!  My buddy Ferguson and I put our heads together and, next practice day "borrowed" a couple of Bulgarian peasant dresses and crashed the stage with our own version: "Eat your manicotti, Just like Pavarotti, Eat your manicotti Fat like Pavarotti. Drink Martini Rossi Just like Cavaradossi Drink Martini  Rossi Drunk like Cavaradossi..." The women just ate it up. The director cut us off and ordered us to sit down and be quiet. Damn -- we had five more verses to go...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I didn't think I had been that drunk, but that long path of purple-wine-colored vomit stretching from my room to the bathroom kind of changed my mind the next morning.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it's a small world after all. it's a small world after all. it's a small world after all. it's a small small world.  i'll just leave you with that.  have fun.  
  I get home to a frantic phone call AND email from my boyfriend, inquiring about where lowbrow has gone. Apparently it's not working from the network down at school, where he is.  He tells me, "It's nice though, since I wasn't looking at lowbrow, instead I was looking at ads for sublets in Philadelphia and researching vasectomies."   I love that boy. Always thinking about us.  
  You know you had a good night when you wake up and one of the first things you say is "I can't find my pants."  
  Sitting on a leather sofa, Wearing a leather jacket, leather cap, leather gloves, suede shoes. Eating a big mac.  How many more cows have to die to support my lifestyle?  Damn cows.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was walking up to my bus stop when I saw an old guy out flat on the ground at the stop. There were three people standing beside him trying to pretend he wasn't there.   I checked him to see if he was OK, then I went a office right beside the stop and called for an Ambulance. Once I did that the other people started taking notice of the guy and gossiping between each other about what is wrong with him. The security guy from the office (who hadn't seen any of this beforehand) tried to make the old man comfy until the ambulance arrived.   It arrived about two minutes later, and automatically the people at the bus stop who were ignoring him eariler were all taking charge. I pretty much got ignored.   The clincher was some guy got out of a car across the street and came over and said it was disgraceful how some people are, as he had been sitting in his car for the last 20 minutes and said that no one bothered to help the guy. You think he would of?   Even the ambulance men thought he was a wanker.   People are broken.    
  i saw a great t shirt that said   god is santa claus for adults  damn i wished i had thought of that  
  You know what's cheaper than purchasing anal beads?  Swallowing marbles and waiting.  
  "Guess what: I am a rich suburban teenager who has just learned how to do drugs and am so proud of myself.  I want to share it with everyone by writing about it on this website: 'I was, like, tripping hard and my buddy Craig, like, he just all the sudden...'"  Stop. Shut the fuck up and mow my lawn you pimply shitstain.    
  i skipped my second class today to buy porn so that i'd have something to do on my day off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I one had a hat with a tag that read "100% Unknown Fabrics" on the inside label. I often wondered what I was wearing, and if it would combust.  
  Lowbrow is when your out of toilet paper so you wipe you ass with the crumpled wads of it in the trash - the one you blew your nose in an hour ago.  Not low enough?  Then those of your roomates.  Or the bloody ones of your friends mom.  You just tuck the blood and boogers out of the way.  No one is the wiser.  
  It was the end of my first semester at the Colorado School of Mines and this guy down the hall in my dorm room had decided to dump all of his porn into the hall to get rid of it. So I pick up one of the magazines and begin to peruse it. The pictures of hot women totally naked in provocative poses just made my blood boil. I then take the magazine into my dorm room, lay it out flat on the bed and proceed to masturbate. I did not think that my roommate would be back for an hour or two.  I was wrong.  My roommate and one of his friends burst in on me while I am doing this and I am just standing there with my dick in my hand. I was so embarrassed and zipped up and walked out of the room. When I saw him again he gave me this look like "Dude are you ok?". At any rate it was the end of the semester and we both moved out. He transferred to another school and I never did see him again.  
  I was walking toward the sink while shnucking and hacking to clear my nasal passages.  I must have hacked too hard because this giant loogie comes flying out of my mouth before it was intended to.  My hand instinctively reaches out to catch what has just popped out of my mouth.  Gross! My friend cries and points at me laughing while I stare at the biggest wad off spit and snot in my hand.  
  I sent the URL for this site to my boyfriend. He submitted his moment, which was about his ex-girlfriend leaving him for a member of a band known as Buttsteak.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just realized that I would never hit a girl, unless she was a ninja or had just shot a friend or loved one to death.   I also realized that many men do not share this view.  Women must learn how to fight. It is the only thing a lot of men understand.   TIP: Any self-defense class teaching you to always strike at the nuts should be disregarded. Us guys guard those things like a pair of Holy Grails, and you are NOT getting at them without beating some ass FIRST.  I hope this helps.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Talking about my friend's girlfriend's new nipple rings...  him: you seem to have a good grasp on my psyche...why do I like this? me: because you like boobs. me: and shiny things. me: and these are boobs with shiny things. him: it's that simple eh? me: pretty much.  
  Buffalo St. in Ithaca is very steep.  I loved to fly down it on my Suzuki, and go soaring into the air when I hit the cross streets.  'Cept the last time I do, there is a cop at the intersection.  Siren on immediately, hot pursuit.  I'm usually rational, but my brain leaves me altogether this time.  I decide to lose him.  I shoot the red light at the bottom of the hill doing seventy, so does he.  Deeper and deeper shit by the second.  Then I remember the creek that runs through downtown, with a paved walk beside it.  The walk has concrete posts that stop cars from entering, but not motorcycles.  He tries to do an end-around, but I get away.  Get back home, slam the garage door shut with two seconds to spare.  Realizing that I would never dare to go out on it again, I sell my motorcycle.  
  shotglass checkers: take 24 shotglasses, fill them with your beverage of choice, and play checkers. when you are jumped, you drink. simple as that.  last weekend, ashley and i went down to the quad where mike and chad live to hang out and drink a bit. i brought my game of checkers down and convinced everyone they wanted to play. it was girls vs guys. ashley and i played against matt and chad. we all filled up our shot glasses and began to play. we were playing with mixed drinks, some straight ice 101, and some shots of vodka. they were playing with straight whiskey. i don't understand how ANYONE could do that to themselves. at any rate, they were sure they would win, but we managed to hand their asses to them quite effortlessly. they were *trashed* beyond belief... then again, think about what they were drinking. and we, after doing some of our shots, weren't feeling it at all. they felt bad both because they lost and because girls could hold alcohol better than they could. there's only one thing...  it wasn't vodka...  it was water!   we hope you find this soon enough, chad. we know with your lowbrow habits, you'll see it eventually anyways. :)    
   Name just about any advancement since egalitarian tribal societies of the Neolithic, and I can probably name two resulting consequences which the vast majority of societies have dealt with in an entirely irresponsible manner (usually ignoring them completely, that is).    No wonder the aliens are always probing our asses, they're just trying to examine our thought processes at the apparent source.  
  Sitting in a hotel room, while on a business trip, I sneak a peak at the porno channel. You get a few minutes preview before you gotta pay.  And there, on the screen, in  fucking some blonde, is my cousin. He was sporting a pony tail. Man, that was a scary sight!      
  We started making out on his roof, much to the delight of the drunk passers-by heading home from the bars.  As we were climbing down the tree to go inside, the bottom of my skirt got snagged, and as I dropped to the ground, my skirt, sweater and shirt all peeled themselves up and over my head.  It actually would have been cool if I had just dropped from the tree, magically, in my bra and panties.  Unfortunately, everything bunched up around my neck and I just hung there for a few moments, my head and arms trapped in some sort of bewildering cocoon.   He helped me down as everyone on the street cheered.  
  When about 18, I got completely loaded one night and met with this horribly ugly, bone-skinny, metal-chick. Having little to do, I took her back to my place  and went down on her. After she was done, she recipricated. Being the kind gentleman I am, I told her I was going to come. She looked up at me with the most disinterested eyes in the world, a sneer on her lips, and  said:      Good for you.  The only time I ever saw her after that night was a couple of years later at a GWAR show. She was being fed to the world maggot.  
  I was awoken one morning at 7am by a knock at my apartment door.  I open it to find a couple church group members trying to "spread the word".  I politely say I'm not interested.  They persist and I finally say in a sharp tone "My roomate and I are do not belive in god, your not going to get anywhere:.  One of the guy says "I've never met an athiest before" in a mocking tone.  I reach out my hand and say my name is Josh.  He shakes my hand with a shocked looked on his face.  I close the door and go back to sleep.    
  So I have oodles of money, once again, but I'm not going to go crazy this time, am I? Well, maybe just once, for old-time's sake. Sports bar, early. Three guys playing pool. I look at the board. They've chalked their three names all the way down it. Not very sporting. Me: "Who's Matt?" Matt: "I am." Me, nodding towards the board: "Toss you for it." He loses. I rub his name out and put mine in. I select a cue, lay it right on the table during their game to check if it's straight, chalk the tip, chalk my hand, slide it up and down the cue to lube it, and start doing loud Grady Stevens impersonations (from "The Color Of Money"): "It's a nightmare, isn't it?" "Just gets worse and worse..." Then I go back to my voice: "Miiiiss!" (They do.) They're righteously pissed, but money breaks, so I do. I switch to Tom Cruise: "His hair was perfect!" with the requisite hand motion. Easily 2/3 of my game is intimidation. Guy leans down, but knocks the cue ball while he's lining his shot up. He says naughty words that the gentle people of LowBrow would never want to hear, and gives up the table. I grab the cue ball and roll it back into position for him. They start to warm towards me. I play like crap, but much better crap than them. Free pool for an hour, and they get friendly. New guy arrives. Big drunken blonde. He looks at the board and swears. Me: "That's Matt over there. Toss him for it." Matt walks over to the board, erases his name. So we play. Guy: "Hey, are you English? I'm English!" (Calling me "English" is about as nasty as ... never mind) I line up my shot: "You're not English. You're Norse." Pling. He: "You're right. How you know that?" Line up the next shot: "Because you're big, and blonde, and stupid." Pling. He: "Go easy on me! I'm disabled!" He lifts a pant leg to show us his shin. Stainless steel rod. The three guys gasp. Line up the next shot: "That explains why you're so drunk. Don't exactly have a hollow leg, do you?" Pling. My guys get nervous, but Norseman laughs. I actually lose. Halfway through the next game, my guys announce they're leaving, turn the game over to me. Norseman ain't half bad. I blow my chance to win and leave him with the 8-ball hanging on the edge of the corner pocket. Norseman does a war-dance, tells me he'll buy me a beer anyway. Me: "Sink it first." He does, and the cue ball. His shoulders slump. He: "Fuck it -- let's you and I have some fun tonight anyway. I'm buying." Me: "Nope. I'm running about 0.07 right now. Goodnight." Just once was fun...  
  mt hood, #2. five of us chipped in and got a keg.  since no-one had a house or camper, we carried it off into the woods and then went looking for some couches and whatnot. found plenty, some on porches. took them. set up a living room  in a clearing. once we got good and drunk, the keg was still heavy, so we went off in search of some camp kids to make our money on the keg back. charged the little fuckers 10$ a cup. no free refills. they paid. woke up the next morning on a couch, in the middle of a national forest.  one friend was sleeping against a tree. there were 20-30 teenagers laying in the dirt, most in a pool of vomit. we finished the keg the next night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So we're out in her driveway, getting drunk, and she decides making prank calls to male escort services is the thing to do. She calls up one and after random pleasantries asks the guy how big his dick is. Then she taunts and teases and finally makes him promise to come right over, and gives him The Bitch We All Hate's address.  Problem is, she's listed and there's such a thing as reverse look-up.  So he shows up in her driveway and we have to look all surprised and innocent... which almost works until she starts calling him "manwhore".  Here's the sad part... the guy hung around, bad skin and crooked teeth and the nicest ass we've ever seen and all, to talk to her for over two hours, despite her constantly calling him "meat slut" and "man whore". Man, he must be the loneliest guy in the universe.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I figure, when I'm an old lady, people will think I'm crazy.  So why not play along?  I'll live on some incessantly rainy beach in Maine and offer strangers crackers.  I'll always hide under my oversized blue umbrella.  And when I hand out the last cracker, I'll still ask one more person, just so I can say:  "Oops!  No more crackers!  You wait here (in the rain) sweetie, I'll go get some more.  My house is just a 10 minute walk from here.  And don't you go running off on my like my husband of 46 years did!"  And with that I'll prance off (or do as much prancing as I can @ 87) to my house, and take my sweet time coming back, while the stranger, not wanting to break the old lady's heart, stands in the rain.  Mean?  Yes.  Fun?  Very much so.        
  I woke up, brushed my teeth, and said, I don't like the look of my face, I don't like the things I've done, and I don't like who I've become.  Perhaps it's time I change my toothpaste?       
  I love myself for the simple reason: I am not you.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         every day i ask politely calmly and as nicely as i can  shes not happy with her job shes trying to pay for college i hope  she gets enough assholes giving her a hard time please thankyou then the bitch puts sugar in my coffee i pulled over walked into the dunkin donuts and ranted about how i am diabetic im not i cant believe i wigged over sugar       
  it's just a matter of spacing. i put my bowl down last night on my desk, still half packed, when i was done for the night. so this morning, checking my email before work, i notice it, pick it up, and take a nice hit. i mean, i put it there all the time, out of habbit. i am almost surprised it hasn't happened before. now i just hope it doesn't become the new part of the habbit.  
  So, she and I went out after being friends for three years. I took her to a fancy restaurant and we had drinks before dinner, and a bottle of wine with. She was so nice to look at. Oh man. We took a walk to the river afterward, and sat on this rock under the railing where no one could see us. I pulled out a joint and we smoked and giggled and the sun set into the trees beyond. Talk about romance. She turned to me at a quiet moment and stared with deeply stoned eyes. Then she said, 'I have to sh*t. I have to sh*t right now.' I was stoned as I kept guard as she dropped trou, and squatted in the bushes below.  She asked me what leaves looked good to wipe with. I pointed out the rhubarb. She said it was too rough. She sat back on the rock and I sat beside her. The sky was wonderful. She began to throw up. Throw up for 2 hours, as I rubbed her back and stared at the sky. I drove her home and then went to see my friends. 'Where's the girl?' 'I have seen the evil,' I replied, ;and he is me.' I got more drunk.  She left for medical college, and I still don't know if there is anything between us.         
  I got some free tickets to the BB King Concert in Indy.  This was a grown-up crowd that they didn't check for drugs on the way in.  If these geezers weren't pot heads, then how did I end up with a contact buzz, buying corndogs from Kroger at 2:30 that morning.  A Munchie Run with your mom, now THAT's some shit.  
  So I went to Liverpool the other day and went to find Penny Lane despite the admontions by locals that I'd be really disappointed. Well, not only was I disappointed in the trash-strewn railroad overpass that I found, but it turns out the sign to that street has been stolen so many times that they finally gave up and painted it on.  
   Letter To My Sister  (Since I splash my entire life on here, why not splash a rant at my sister?)  I wonder if you have any idea what it's like to have little or no news or contact for ages, and then to get two e-mails within a couple of months outlining the disastrous state your life seems to be in! Not good - we are half a world away and sick with worry.  [Sister's name, deleted]: I've been thinking about this on and off all day (I've had other stuff to deal with, like finally registering for unemployment benefits, since my company finally laid me off today, after fifteen months of disability). And now I'm pissed. You weren't half a world away last weekend. You were in Boston and Chicago. You probably flew over me on the way. I've been over here for 27 years and you haven't visited once (yes, you've been invited). You didn't even call (only 5c/minute, over here!). So please don't give me that "sick with worry" crap. It doesn't wash. I'm sorry your plastic is so strained after your month in Australia. I hope you enjoyed your stay. Don't worry: when I get my long-term disability, I'll refund your $500, as I've always intended to do. That should help you out. Yes, you are right that loans can change a relationship, but so can letters like the one you wrote. I'm done.  
  I hate people that park over the line. Hate them, and their little sports cars, or huge SUVs (in the compact space, none the less).  While looking for a place in a very crowded garage, I found a space ... to the left was a pillar and to the right was a damn little sports car, 8 inches over the line. Fuck'em ... I pulled into the sport, thinking I'd leave about an inch between my mirror and his hood.  Instead, I hear the horrible squeaking sound, like a hundred fourth graders with new tennies in line for hot lunch. I panic, pull out (no more squeaking) and find a spot two floors up. I check my car and only find a little scuff mark on the passenger door.  What a wimp.   
  A proctologist walked into the bank I work at. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.   Realizing his mistake, he looked at me with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"    
       I now realize that if the smell from my nether regions hasn't gone away yet, it's just not going to go away.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the elementary school the urinals were scaled to size.  Reflected in the shiny chrome fixtures my dick looks huge.  I feel a strange sort of pride.  Everywhere should have low urinals, if only to boost morale.   
  An orange prescription bottle of Hydrocodone with  small, metallic sticky bow on it.  "Happy Birthday, Kim!"  
  February, 2002.  So I'm walking down a quaint sidestreet towards the subway and notice a grotto on the lawn of a particular house is empty. Just yesterday there was a statue of the Virgin Mary in it. I point this out to my husband. "Oh. I guess she saw her shadow and went back inside. Six more weeks of winter." I'm going to miss my husband when he goes to hell.  
  Right now I'm working at Marshalls.I work in the shoe department.Hopefully I won't work there to much longer.Anyway,the other day this lady comes in and completly destroys one of the aisles I just spent two hours cleaning.She was leaving things on the floor,putting shoes in the wrong spot and placing them on the self backwards.Meanwhile I'm watching her do all of this.When she notices me she realizes what she was doing and says,"I'm sorry,I'm usually not this big a slob but I'm in a hurry."Then I look her over.She is overweight,is wearing a stained shirt and she has a hole in her sweatpants. For some reason I didn't beileve her comment that she wasn't always a big slob.   
  My friend just said this to me over AIM...  J(12:17:37 PM): i've always wanted to post on there J(12:17:45 PM): i mean, thats like my lifetime dream J(12:17:50 PM): to post on lowbrow :-)  I believe that in itself is lowbrow.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I asked my Boss why he was always so Negative.  He never gave me a straight answer, but he did keep giving me shit day after day...  One day I quit my job at in the middle of a huge project, and on my way home dropped off the security cam video of him screwing his secretary in the board room at his house.      
  I stopped Sister Patricia on her way to class.  "Sister," I said, "You have a smudge on your forehead." And I rubbed off the greyish dirt.  She slapped at my hand and screamed, "Go to Brother Dennis' office NOW!"  It was my first time at the principal's office and my first year in Catholic school.  I had always thought Ash Wednesday was like Arbor Day.  You know, celebrating the Ash tree.  
  The rich guy on our street used to give out these huge potatoes at Halloween. He got a lot of doubtful thank-you's.        
        . . . so many attractive-funny-intelligent-married girls . . . so little time . . .     
  "Sometimes my wife and I like role playing games. She pretends to be an overbearing, hyper-sensivive, complaining bitch and i pretend not to care."  And this is where I am confused.  Men across the world date/marry the as listed type of females, mainly because men like sex and nearly all females have these traits born in.  Yet I, one of the few females who isn't a bitch, remain single.  I have attributed it to the fact that I hang around with the guys so much they can't date me because I become one of the guys.  But then every so often comes a guy who I will fuck.  Then when I hang out with them and a few of their friends its weird.  Because now instead of being like one of the guys like I am used, I know they look at me as just the chic their friends fucking.  Instead of the cool chic that all the guys are friends with.  
  QUOTE "the other day my 3 year old daughter came running to me and said that our cat had gone to bathroom in her "playhouse"refrigerator. i went and looked, and placed neatly on the shelf was a cup of pee...hmmm   - heehee@heehee.com " ENDQUOTE  What the fuck is this all about?    
  i was giving this guy head and he shot his load and i had this terrible, indecisive moment (this happens to me sometimes in the supermarket too. "paper, no wait, plastic. no, paper! plastic!...paper.") where i couldn't figure out if i wanted to swallow it for my protein fix (hey, i'm vegan) or hock his big wad of splooge across the room and try to hit my trash can.  suddenly, it's too late for either of those things. there is semen dripping out of my nose and my eyes are watering and i'm laughing my ass off while my boyfriend at the time is saying, "what just happened?"  it cleared my sinuses. i sucked it back into my mouth and swallowed it and hacked up the rest into a kleenex, which i wadded up and chucked into the trash. we were at my parents' house. i wonder if they heard any strange noises that night. like a snorting sound.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first hit of Ecstasy was at Disneyland.  THAT was the happiest place on earth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         having 16 guineapigs and not changing thier bedding in 2 weeks should eaither key you into the fact that you should change your guineapigs bedding more often or that you need to give away a few guineapigs  
  I was wondering if there might be a market for "Extra Flatulent" food products.  Just imagine a chocolate bar or bag of chips that would keep your cheeks flapping for hours afterwards.  Suffice it to say, I love passing gas.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I was sitting at my usual drinking hole nonchalantly sipping whiskey while a little voice in the back of my head prayed to every god it could imagine a name for that the girl less than a foot to my left wouldn't recognize my face.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Eighth grade, I'm an assistant for one of the 7th grade history classes.  One day, a girl in the front row was wearing a skirt.  She apparently hadn't learned how to cross her legs yet, cuz I could see straight up to her lime green panties.  So, I'm looking at the 8th grade version of Nirvana, sitting behind a desk that I can hide my hands under, with 8th grade male hormones flying.  Yeah, it's kinda weird whacking off in school, but at least I didn't get caught.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Christmas day with my folks - bored out of my brain looking for an escape... I am sitting in the kitchen talking to my mother, and she mentions a news story on the radio concerning a local cop who had been struck down and killed by a car the day before. She is lamenting the terrible timing for his young family, just as the phone rings. Its my best friend from high school, and eager for any escape from my parents I greet her enthusiastically hoping she is going to suggest going for a drive or something. She is very subdued - most unlike her - and mentions the news story of the cop. That sets me off..."God hitting a cop - how unlucky or stupid could you be?? I mean jesus christ, only the inbreds in this town could manage that...". There is deathly silence on the other end, then a strangled sob as she whispers "That was me..."  
  This is actually my friend's moment, not mine, but I know she'll never submit it, so I'll do it for her.   She had been dating this dumbass for a few months when she finaly decided to screw him. She lost her virginity to him... or so I thought.   After they broke up (shortly after their romp) she told me that he had terrible aim.   He ended up fucking her crack.   Chris, if you're reading this... You missed, dude.    
  as she continued to belittle herself in a drunken stupor by asking why we had broken up, i whipped out my member and abused her lowered state and allowed her to suck it only to blow all over her hair so she could not go out and party with the rest of us.... she still calls me.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she says to me  "shove a wooden spoon into your ass its about the same" i beg to differ  
  Then there was the time I was driving down a dirt road on a warm Texas night. I was drinking my fifth beer of the evening and was going so fast that nothing was in focus, not even the road.  Suddenly, I was sober. It was like I woke up from a dream.  "How the hell did I get here?"  I slammed on the brakes, skidded to a stop and dropped the unfinished beer out the door. The road was so narrow that I had trouble turning around.  
  ...."yeah", I told him, "It was fun - me and the boyfriend went up to The Sea Ranch for the weekend".  "Sea Ranch?", he queried, "god that sounds like the Power Exchange with a view".        
   American Dream #62:  Nitro-burning monster funny car with Dolby  SurroundSound -and lasers.  
  Wanna know what's lowbrow, I'll tell you what's lowbrow. Thinking about what they put in hotdogs, that's lowbrow.        
  all my life, i've been told "You MUST love your parents."  i hate my mom.  i mean, i don't want anything to happen to her, but i really wish i'd been found in a trashcan like my cousins told me.  
     wanna chip a couple the rooster said to me sure but i deal first toe to toe on the floor we drank to the disgust of the sea mammal ah to jobless in slummervile     
  She floored the car as she screamed at me for some stupid reason I dont remember. I sat there clutching the dash, but before I gout out I crammed a few of the burger king onion rings in between the seat and the floor. We're friends now, but her car still smells.  Maybe I'll tell her some day. Nahhh  
  Have you ever eaten sunflower seeds and inadvertantly chewed on one that was rotten?  That's exactly how Fremont CA smells.  Blergh.  
  I invited my friend and his girlfriend over, to hang out at the house for an entertaining evening of movies...  While keeping them entertained, low and behold my father comes out of his room, walks into the kitchen grabs a beer, and walks back through the living room(where we were at). Heading towards his room he farts, turns around and says to everyone, "Did you hear what that asshole said?"  Farts one more time and walks in his room and closes the door.  
  I thought she was perfect. She had:  1) Really sensitive nipples and a strong taste for rough nipple play;  2) A cunt that tasted fantastic, that was tight, and had a deep, thick shag-pile carpet;  4) A *very* serious interest in anal sex and fisting; and  5) Intelligence.  Too bad she was a lying, manipulative bitch who was only interested in what she wanted.  It goes to show, you never can tell!  
  What a fucking nite that was. The Dread and I were to go drinking in Frisco (San Fransisco for you non Cali's). This was when I had just started smoking grass. He drove this old mail jeep.  Like a European car the steering wheel was on the righthand side.  Eqiuped with sliding doors it resembled a metal box on wheels. We just make it to the baybridge and were lit.  Not being the best judge of distance because of driving on the opposite side of the jeep, dread man runs the jeep into the toll booth.  We grind up to the booth and I'm looking 3 inches from the eyes of the teller. His eyes were frozen wide.  I handed him the $2 and grinding away from the booth we were off again. Drinks later, lots of grass and a healthy shot of green chartruse I'm hanging out the side of the jeep. The last thing I remembered was Dread grabbing me and saying, "Come on man.  You're fucking hanging halfway outta the jeep, the doors wide open, your not driving and the cops are starting to look at us funny." Good times, good time.  
  about london ok so there is a certain air of superiority and they sometimes have a hard time tolerating idiots something we yanks are much better at practice practice practice but half the city is from the us of a anyway and how can you get mad at a culture that instead of saying thank you says cheers questionmark         
  my mom once told me she was happy that i drank good beer, because "people who drink expensive beers can't be alcoholics." i wonder what she would say if i told her how many times i've drank fifteen plus pints of guinness and still been able to drive home...  
  How the hell did a pubic hair get in my sock?  
  to you those, anti-cannibal corpse.  how can you not like a song called entrails ripped from a virgin's cunt ?        
  Sadly, not my moment. An instant classic though, I may add:  A "friend" of mine is sexually active at age 16. She recently found out she is pregnant. Lots of debating = an abortion. That costs lots of money, money she doesn't have. What does she do? Throws a keggar to raise the money.   Good thing that kid isn't being raised in that household, is all I can say.  
  in a fit of springtime-inspired shopping, my sister and i decided to head to the trendy girl store of long island, a place called bonnie's jeans, where sanrio wallets on chains sit side by side with those hair thingys that look like slinkys until they're uncoiled. at this store, i saw a shirt -- dark blue, short sleeve, greeen flowers, polyester -- that fit my cute-but-not-too-cute assessment. it was $20. but not available in my size. on the way back home we stopped at target to revel in the 89 cent snapples, and as we were walking by the womens' clothing section i noticed a shirt out of the corner of my eye -- it was that very shirt that i had not purchased in the trendy-girl store, on the same type of hanger, with the same tag dangling from the sleeve. except this tag said $12. and the shirt was available in my size. so i bought it.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  I know this guy who works a couple of doors down from me. He works insane hours. Sometimes he doesn't even go home at night. One morning after working straight thru, he was in the bathroom washing up. To keep his clothes from getting messed up, he hung his shirt on the fire sprinkler in the ceiling, and undid his pants. After getting cleaned up, he grabbed the shirt-and the head of the sprinkler came off. It shot freezing cold, fire ratardant infused water all over him. Shocked by the cold, and blinded by the chemicals, he screamed and ran out the door into the hallway. Still screaming, his pants dropped to his ankles, and he promptly fell in the middle of the hallway - right in front of the boss who had just walked into the front door. By the time they got the water shut off, half of his office, and the offices on either side was flooded. I swear I would have given my left nut to see that.   
  OK, since shit seems to be the lingua franca on the 'Brow, here goes with my contribution:  Ever have what I call a 'Prison Dump'?  It's a log so fucking big and hard it feels like you're taking it up the tailpipe from some 300 pound guy named Bubba...and he's not a gentle lover.  You just sit there trying to endure it muttering "Oh god, oh, god..." till it splashes down.  Man, I hate prison dumps.  
  She had come by to pick up the birthday present I had gotten for her father.  I had an old family portrait of his restored and framed.  Cost me about three hundred bucks.  Just because we had broken up was no reason to not give him his birthday present, right?  So she comes to pick it up and I offer to take it out to her car.  "No," she says, "I've got it."  Then I realized the unemployed, pot-head she was fucking was waiting in her jeep.  After she left I got drunk and left a nasty message on her voice mail at work.  I hate her.  But I'd take her back tomorrow. I would.    
  "Lowbrow" for sure:  I was drawing unemployment, for months on end, while pretending to my friends I was working.  Why, I do not fucking know.  They would have not given a rat's ass if I was on unemployment.. some of *them* were, for Christ's sake.    
  Caught my mother stealing groceries out of the back of another woman's station wagon when I was seven.  
   Ken Kesey's Best Story   (paraphrased from the greatest novel ever written: "Sometimes A Great Notion")  Young kid gets his own bluetick hound from his dad, and is really proud of it. Another fox-runner challenges his dad to a hunt, so he invites his son along. They put dad's dogs in the back of the truck, but the boy's bitch is in heat, so he sits with her on his lap. When they get to the farm having the fox problem, the challenger is already there with his dogs. He notices the special treatment the bitch is getting, and starts jawing. Kid gets pissed, and his dad stands up for him. So money gets bet. They set all the dogs off, get in their trucks, and chase after them. They've obviously picked up the scent immediately. Up the valley, back down the valley. They stop back at the farm, where the old farmer is leaning on a post. Dad: "Did you see them?" Farmer: "Yup, right that way." Kid can't resist: "Is my bitch leading the pack?" Farmer: "Sure is." Challenger: "Damn! How's my best hound doing?" Farmer: "Oh, he's running a close second, right in front of the fox..."  
  I bought a really bigged fish pillow from Wal-Mart.  I use it for a battering ram and to lighten up the lives of fast food drive thru employees.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Girls Don't Have As Much Fun As Guys  They just don't! Just ask a girl about when was the last time she stood outdoors pissing, while having an interesting conversation with her friends...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         this is what my buddy list looks like:  dudes(11/11) girls(4/5) girls i've boned(4/4) girls to bone(17/64) underage girls i shouldn't bone again(2/6)    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so this morning in the shower i'm jerking off  and i'm leaning with one hand against the wall  when all of a sudden i hear someone knock on the door  i totally blank and hurry to cover myself  not remembering that my hand is supporting me  i faceplant into the faucet  and the real killer was  while i was lying with a bloody nose  I heard my sister say,  "Oh, Don't worry, I got it"       
  Tweekers and gas stations. I bet I could make a killing selling crank by driving from gas station to gas staion.  Infact I bet I fund a trip as I go.  I could make it accross the US.  Kinda like connect the dots.   
  It was the end of a long liquor filled rowdy Halloween night 1999. We (about six friends and I) pulled up to MELS on Sunset, and I fell out face first to the curb, got up and immediatley told everyone I was fine, in perfect drunken form.  We proceeded inside where we sat down and waited to be seated, I felt like I needed to throw up, so I did. Only I made sure it was only little bits at a time. I'm not quite sure how that worked, but I got a lot of it on my hands. So I wiped my hands on my white pants, I was a pimp that night, and shirt then stode up to wash off in the bathroom. As soon as I had stepped away from my puddle someone said "jesus someone threw up". I washed my hands off and sat down at the table where we had been seated.  I passed out holding the menu. My friends cupped my hands and put flowers in them and took pictures of me. They thought the flowers made it funny. I thought the orange puke smeared in a smiley face on my shirt was funny. My friends have no sense of humor.  
  An idea from Sorry_e_e  that I happen to like, ad a damn good idea, countme in should I be the one to win.        "so the plan is this  when i hit the lottery   im gonna email all   every last one   of the lowbrowers and   the ones who had the balls enough to list an actual address will be invited to the biggest shindig this side of the guiness book o records   tygr will be the mcee   and everyone   who wants to   will get a tailored zoot suit   whadyathink"    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         By the end of our relationship my longtime girlfriend would rarely have sex with me. The only sure fire time that she would put out was when her mother stayed over at our place. She would be very noisey so that her mother would know that her daughter is capable of pleasing a man. She was quite fucked up.  
  i was in college and had drank 'til 5am.  getting up at 7am to find a room mate in the only bathroom, i pissed out a second story window.  the neighbor's wife (townies, not students) saw my unit.  she must have liked it cause her husband called the police.  I got a fine.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Lather, rinse" is sufficient.  "Repeat" is just a ploy to sell twice as much shampoo.  My hair does feel cleaner though...  
  Smoking a cigarette while on the toilet? Moderately lowbrow. Letting that ash grow to dangerously unstable proportions while concentrating on pinching a world-record loaf? Also moderately lowbrow. Ashing between your legs right after that sucker plops down? Definitely lowbrow. Burning your nutsack with a cigarette? Near-redneck lowbrow. The girlish scream, followed by the tearful explanation to your spose/significant other? Priceless.  
  I was informed that last night at the big football game, the hottest cheerleader got kicked under the chin by a cheerleader falling down from a jumping stunt.  Her head went straight back into the concrete where she couldnt move an inch and the ambulance came and took her away.  i thought about how hot she was and jacked off.  
  My cat's litter box sits in the corner next to my computer. What bothers me is I am beginning to associate the smell of cat shit with naked women.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          the doctor is in  the string of letters which tumbled after his name and the big desk in his office belie the fact that he is a sociopath who knows all the ways around getting caught       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Mr. Steadman, the Chemistry teacher, excitedly explained why the flame turns orange when glass gets hot.    "Well, you'd be excited if you were that hot, too!"    
  Starting my new job as a fisheries environmentalist, I assume my co-workers would feel kindly towards animals.  So I am a little perplexed when I see them carrying ice hockey sticks on board.  Me: "What are those for?"  They: "Eel hockey"  Turns out eels are  very  hard to pick up and toss overboard, so they leave them on deck and then slapshot them through the scupper holes.   
  I was always embarrassed about the stuff that came squirting out of my dick.  Girls just writhe and moan and some scream or at least go UH! real loud a couple of times.  They do juice up a bit, but they don't go shooting wads of semi-mucousy stuff all over the place.  Then I met my current wife, who loves the stuff (I mean my cum).  She sucks it out and swallows it gladly.  When we're doing it regular style she makes sure I cum in her and has said many times that she can feel it squirting into her.  I take good care of this woman.      
  I know that someone here will eventually read this and know exactly what I mean when I mention this:  You know those benches on the Naperville Riverwalk? This is a place outside of Chicago, a suburb. They have a big riverwalk and in a break in the storefronts there are these ceramic benches that are covered with mosaic tile.  In the middle of the night, I like to go out there and hang with people when there's no one else around. The place is made to hold a million people, easy.  Anyway, if you like sitting on the benches, I am happy to tell you that once I managed to puke *all* over those things, man.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was drunk out of my mind at a keg party and, being in no shape to go home, the hosts offered me a bedroom to pass out in.   I wake up at some point with an overwhelming urge to piss, and I was so disoriented that I thought a laundry basket (full of clothes) was a toilet.    Moments after relieving myself and crawling back into the bed, the owner of the bedroom came in and we proceeded to get it on.   Crazily enough, we've gone out a number of times since then. I always find myself wondering if he suspects--or knows--I peed on his clothes and, even worse, wondering if I gave the shirt on his back a golden shower.  
                                             When someone at work asks you how your doing, do you ever consider that they really don't want to hear an answer?  Me neither  
  Reminder:  When you wake up and your hungover, with no clean socks to wear.  DO NOT grab socks that were sitting by the computer.  You will be wearing crusty cum soaked spank rags all during the day at work.  That is all.  
  Working at another dead beat job at a gas station, an American familly comes into the store. Nothing big there. So they prance around and I realize they have got to be the dumbest familly in the whole universe. The son comes out of the bathroom. He looks to his dad and asks him if he can borrow a "loon thingy". The father looks at him and says "Hell no. I'm not gonna lend you a loony so you can buy one of those condoms in the bathrooms so you can jerk off into it". At this, the mother giggles and makes a stupid face at me.  I swear Americans on a whole have no couth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In all the quality time I've spent with acid I never did get to enjoy a visualization plug-in.  
  my jaw does that thing where if i open my mouth too much about half the time it makes this irritating pop sound.  so like.. almost all i can think about when im making out is trying not to make my jaw pop. it sucks.  i was at the dentist and i told him about my problem he says its normal no big deal. fuck that! ive heard of fireworks going off when you kiss someone but this is ridiculous.  
  I'm a CPA, auditing an entertainment firm, in a branch office that makes deals with individual theatres and collects the film rentals.    So I'm sitting here talking with some guy whose legs were blown off in the vietnam war.  So we're talking about how it would be unlikely for an individual theatre to try to rip off the studio, 'cuz the studio would shut them out from any further movies.   I say, "yeah, it would be like cutting off their own legs."  I'm a schmuck.   
  My prized piece of clothing is a t-shirt that says:  We Be Illin' St. John's Children's Hospital  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At work today:  co-worker: "Hi there. Working hard, or hardly working? [heh heh heh]"  me: "what?"  cw: "I said Working hard, or hardly working?"  me: "I'm sorry, what?"  cw: "Working hard, or hardly working?"  me: "Oh, I think I see the problem.  I don't speak cliche'. Maybe if you hit me in the head with a hammer before speaking, I'd be temporarily stupified to the point that I'd find that remotely amusing.  Let's see if I can speak your language.  Kindly fuck off, please.  Is that cliche' enough for you?"  cw: "[sputter sputter choke]"    
  One of the McDonald's in my hometown has somehow made eating at McDonald's an even worse experience.  Everytime I've been there the order has been wrong or inedible.  One time they forgot to give me the top half of the bun.... how do you forget the top half of a bun?!  Well, late one evening a friend of mine and I are driving around town and decide we are hungry.  We pull up to this McDonald's and go to the drive through.  While waiting for the server to pick up we remember our experiences here and decide to leave.  Instead of just leaving though, we order our food and right as she says pull up, my friend says, "Never mind I ain't got no money," and speeds off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         few things in life are any more intense than executing a barrel roll on an inner tube while it's being pulled behind a speedboat... on LSD.   
  OK, so I was 13 or 14, I forget which.  I was out sailing with my friend.  I suddenly had the shits, really bad.  I had 3 options here:  1. pull down pants, shit off the side.  This was not such a great idea for a number of reasons that you can probably guess.  2. sail to other shore where there was a bathroom right there.  I still don't know why I didn't do this...  3. sail back to dock, discover there was not a bathroom there, try to get to student union before my ass exploded.  Guess which one I chose.  So, we got off at the dock, I pulled off my life jacket, I'm pretty sure I had to help tie up the boat and put it away too.  That was when I realized that the fucking boathouse didn't have a fucking bathroom because it was built in like 1910 or something.  To get to the student union, I had to cross a major highway.  My options were to either walk the long way around to the pedestrian bridge, or go the short illegal way across the train bridge.  This time I chose the faster one.  Of course, I had to duck while running across the train bridge, since it was something like a $100 fine and I didn't want any of the drivers calling the cops.  Once I got to the other side, I of course had the shits even worse.  I tried to start walking, with my ass clenched horribly tight.  I realized I could never make it.  I was walking next to a highway.  Luckily, there was one of those little fake forests off to the side, with a gate in front of it.  I went through the hole in the gate, pulled down my pants and relieved myself.  Of course, I forgot to get my pants out of the way.  My pants, my underwear and my hands were all now covered in shit.  For some reason, I had an extra pair of shorts in my backpack.  Don't ask me why, but this saved me endless embarassment.  I picked up the nasty-ass pants and shorts, tossed them in the dumpster... and saw several tarp tents.  Just then I realized that any number of homeless people could have been watching the whole thing.  Oh well.  I was, of course, walking around naked from the waist down at the time as well.  I pulled on my new shorts and very quickly hurried to the student union.  I smelled like shit.  The bathroom was in the back...  
  in high school i got a handjob while watching life is beautiful.  during the moment of impact i was a little distracted from the movie so i missed the sad part where the guy dies so all this time i thought it was a good movie with a happy ending.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A realy good one...  I speak english and french.Me and my glf went to her friend's wedding.A french wedding(cuse noboby in there speaks english)...and then when we saw the bride(my glf friend)comming in the church, the tape start to play "Love hurt" by NAZARETH...    Can you imagine me and my girlfriend trying not to laught!!!  P.S. They are divorce now!!!!!!  
  My dad never really gave me advice. He never gave me the birds and the bees talk. We never played catch together.  When driving to drop my off at college my freshman year my dad says, "You know, statistics have shown that the suicide rate is the highest for white males between the ages of 18 and 24."  I am a 19 year old white male. What exactly did he want me to take from that?  
  the three of us left town for spring break with an ounce of weed, picked up 10 hits of acid in maryland then made our way to disney world....  now, we all thought (and i'm sure that most of you would agree) that space mountain would definitely be the defining moment of tripping our faces off in the magic kingdom...  oh, how disillusioned we were....  no, it wasn't space mountain.... or the haunted mansion.... or its a small world....  it was the tea cups....  oh, the MADNESS of the tea cups....  god forbid we have children and take them to disney world....  how do you explain to your wife and children that....  daddy won't ride the teacups...ever again  
  "You never piss in the shower do you?", she asked after I made a locker room comment about it.  "Oh no, dear ... never" I wisely replied.  
  I've been craving hot dogs quite a bit recently. I hope it means that I am lowbrow, not that I am a latent pickle sniffer.  
  she was a cute little st marys college artist girl...daddys little d butante.  my favorite date with her always follows the same plan...one fifth of bacardi dark and two grams of cocaine.    
  A guy who used to pick on me in 5th grade now pumps the gas into my brand new truck.  It's been more than ten years since 5th grade, and still, I find this so fucking satisfying.  If he ever quits, I'll have to learn to pump my own gas.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to drink a lot. After rehearsal, we all went to this bar, and we met this friend of a friend. She was cute. First Matt walks up to her and says, "Hi, my name's Matt. That means you can walk all over me."  Not to be outdone, I walked up to her and said, "Hi, my name's John. That means you can piss in my mouth."  I used to drink a lot.  
  Halloween  I'm dressed as a dominatrix, the easy last minute costume  Drunk, stoned,   I wrestle with a stranger in a kiddy pool full of jello.  it is situated in the living room for just this purpose  the jello is freezing he lets me win  in my drunken triumph i go home with him  we are in his well lit house i am becoming dangerously sober and i see that he is   at least  15 years older than me and his nose is caving in from all the coke he's done   it becomes clear very quickly that he believes   this is no costume  and he begs me to tie him up I do a line and say   what the hell  But while trying to bind him with my fishnets his Rottweiler begins to growl and bark  I run out the door and down the street  leaving him with his arms securely tied above his head   Dogs scare the shit out of me.    
  Been awhile. (That was for myself, asshole.)  I am practicing on my acoustic. I'm pretty tired (it's boxing day), and have been waiting for my girlfriend to call.  I've lost track of time.  You know it's time to sleep when you catch yourself drooling on a musical instrument.  Twice.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Mum and sister trying to teach three year old Jamie to operate the VCR.  "No, don't push the red light. Below the red light. BELOW!" So he leant down really carefully, stared at the red light, and blew on it.  
  After six pints of Guiness, it feels like the bottom is dropping out of your world.  And the next morning it feels like the world is dropping out of your bottom.  
  I worked at a movie theatre as a kid  While behind the candy counter a huge woman, who had entered alone, came up and ordered: A lrge popcorn, heavy on the butter a hotdog bon bons peanut chews twizzlers, a pretzel....  and then.....  a small diet coke!  I actually said outloud: "OH PLEASE!!!"  Then covered my mouth hoping she hadn't heard!  Luckily she hadn't, she was too busy drooling over her popcorn  
  i'm 20 and trying to think of the best way to acquire the attention of a 17 year old bisexual guy who has a girlfriend.  
  This morning my wife calls me from some social work training seminar on safe sex.  I ask her how it's going, is she learning anything useful, etc.  "Sure," she says, "I just learned how to put a condom on with my mouth."  She's going on about how it's supposed to make safe sex "fun" for teens, and I'm thinking, "This is how my tax dollars get spent," and so on.  So I start going off.  Then, about ten seconds after my mouth starts working, my brain says, "Dude, she might be able to use that trick on you."  I told her to enjoy the rest of the conference and quietly hung up the phone.  
  Aunt Helen.   We used to go to Aunt Helen's on Christmas Day.  I hated going anywhere on Christmas Day.  I had an assload of toys, and I had to go sit at this person's house that smelled like cat piss and rocks, rather than losing myself in Castle Grayskull.  My Aunt Helen attended church regularly, and kept her "Good Book" on a breakfast-in-bed typr tray on her bed making it   easier to read the words of God while lying in bed I suppose.  As the day goes on I start getting more pissed, because we've already eaten, we've opened presents (I think I got a bar of soap in the shape of a dolphin and a wash cloth) and the adults are now sitting around drinking coffee and talking.  I want to play with He Man YOU FUCKS!!!  I'll show her, says I.  Into her room I went, where I found a rather large sewing needle.  I jammed the needle into her Bible and left it sticking out of it....right in the front cover, a display for all to see.  Eventually she made her way to her room where she found the violated Bible.  She immediately wanted answers, but I wasn't budging.  Fuck that.  Fuck her.  We went home shortly after.  12 years later I still haven't confessed.    Lesson:  Don't fuck with me.  I have the power.  
  trying to get my vibrator to work.  twisting and turning.  pulling out batteries and putting them back in.  banging it on the table.  look up to see my drunk neighbor leering at me through my open window.  did i mention i was was wearing a nurses uniform made out of latex?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sometimes, i mistaken this place for a chatroom...and find myself replying to the remarks of others...        
  My best friend has his cell phone always set to Vibrate.  We both hate those annoying tinny rings. Once, his cell phone rang (or more appropriately buzzed), which inspired his girlfriend to shout out "JESUS!" So, the cell phone is now called the Vibrating Jesus.  I think that'd be a better name for a vibrator than a communication device.  
  The only thing I could think of to say while driving away after getting caught on a dark deserted road, doing what a guy and girl will do in a car on a dark deserted road, was "Well, at least we weren't on the hood."   
  I was sitting in musical practice and I wasn't doing anything so I was staring into space and not really paying attention.  just then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a girl was getting braids done in her hair in a spiral aroud her head (like a continuous french braid)  without moving my eyes, or head I said quite loud: "You look like christ"  and she was like: "What?!" "you know, the thorny crown, heh"  then I did the action of nailing myself on a cross and saying: "you know, this guy"  she walked away and came back without braids.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In a fit of drunking neandrathalism last night, I decided to stick a piece of posterboard with the words "SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!" on our window for the all girls hall across the commons.  No takers yet, but we're keeping a eye out just in case....  
  Just a tiny little moment. Today, I curteously gave way to a 30' motorhome that had six American flags flying. I didn't actually ram them, but my thought was: You get five miles per gallon of Saudi Arabian oil in that damn thing. If you drive across the country just once, you are giving them enough funds to mount another 9/11 attack. Fine, it's a free country, so if you have the money, you can do what you like. But just lose the flags, OK?  
  Bush decides to bomb thousands of innocent people nowhere near Bin Laden, only to appease the public opinion of a country full of those who just 'want to bomb something.'  A truly tragic lowbrow moment.  
  i finally got a desk near a window.  the sun shines, the breeze blows.  i'm one of the lucky ones  just outside the window, a huge chimney or stack of some sort rises out of the ground.  it isn't near any buildings.  it continuously spews smoke into the air, day and night.  sometimes i have fun imagining what might be down there breathing so hard   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  So i don't save much porn.  What little i do have is mostly of myself.  Of that, all but three pictures (out of many, many) were spiteporn that i took to piss off an ex-boyfriend.  Pretty depressing.  Recently, i lost a bet with one of my friends, and he wanted pictures in exchange.  Well, my camera's broken, so i can't give him an--wait.  I got porn.  I got PLENTY of porn.  Looking back over them before i send, i realize i've got a shit eating, evil ass, revenge-driven smirk on my face.  Not at all hot, more silly, but i give 'em to him anyway.  Is it wrong that i have spent an inordinate amount of time wondering whether or not he got off on them?  Yeah, i thought so too.  
  Do straight people have orgies?  Where can I sign up?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About 2 years ago I was dating a guy from my school and he was a virgin.  19 years old, attractive and a virgin.  I was amazed.  Me, being as sexually driven as I am, decided this boy needed his cherry popped.  We started messing around and nothing happened for him.  He was extremely nervous and blamed it on "performance anxiety".  So we decided to try it some other time.  The next time rolled around and I decided to try something else.  I even resorted to going down on him.  Nothing.  So I put on some of my favorite lesbian porn known to make even the most scared little boys go wild.  Still nothing.  Needless to say, we are no longer dating.  Last week I saw him walking down the street holding hands with a rather femme guy, confirming all of my suspicions.  
  I could solve the whole gun control debate. Just make it legal to have a learner's permit to own a gun. You get the real license after you shoot at least four cars with annoying middle-of-the-night-for-no-fucking-reason car alarms.  You get extra points if you get the owner's yappy dog.  Yeah, when I rule the world....  
  I'm sitting here watching Cribs on MTV and wondering why the hell I have to pay $20 for a piece of plastic with music on it just so Fat Rapper Guy can buy 4 Bentlys and $12 millino dollar house.  CDs should cost $1.25.  Who do I need to kill to make that possible?  
  "i smoke the fattest L's in the house"  he just kept singing it over and over. joey looks at me and says "thats it no more weed for that man." so we smoke the rest of the blunt ourselves.  
  i know it was probably immature of me, but I was watching football last night (monday, of course) and the commentators made the comment: "look at that guy! the ball was just shaking between his legs!" and then there was silence.  yes, it was juvenile for me to make the connection, but it's quite funny that the word "ball" brings up pretty much the same connotation in everyone's mind, you know?  
  My beautiful son. I love him more than anything. I circumcised him at 5 days old so I wouldn't have to look at some freaky looking anteater cheese factory between his legs. I love him THAT much.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As he had never been to San Francisco, I decided to take him there.  Had a good time, showed him Chinatown and Little Italy and the Golden Gate and Coit Tower and Broadway (very appropriately named) and the Haight and all that touristy shit.  I live not far from Frisco, so I suggested we go to my favorite pizza place: Escape From New York Pizza on Castro  *background for those not familiar with San Francisco: the Castro is where most of the rainbow flags fly in the city.  Great stores, great nightlife, but be secure with yourself (if straight)  In retrospect, I probably should have told him to buy a souvenir shirt at Peir 39 or something.  His said "I may be shy, but I have a big dick"  
  once while visiting a college and staying at a frat with my best friend something horrible happened. i was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and woke up in the middle of the night right after dreaming about a REALLY warm river. I soon realized i had pissed myself in my sleep. WHAT THE FUCK! I've never been a bed wetter or pissed my pants! why does it have to happen now, in a frat of all places! luckily i was the only person awake so i changed my pants and dried the sleeping bag a little by rubbing it on the carpet(clever i know). the next morning i woke up early and rolled up the sleeping bag. Did i mention it was my best friends sleeping bag? i never told him. That thing has been in his dad's garage for about 2 years. i wonder what it smells like. i wonder if anything is growing in it. i wonder if someone has used it...  
  He tried to get me off for like an hour straight.  I was really REALLY high, so it just wasn't happening.  So in my high state, I blurt out, "I could probably do that myself in 2 minutes."  Immediately I could tell he felt extremely inadequate...then he stopped.  I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut high.  
   I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen. Oh, no, she had to find out the hard way. Well, I hope she's happy now that she knows I wasn't kidding when I told her, "Mavis, you're never gonna get buzzed by smoking your own toenails."        
  a cop came into the antiqueshop to show us descriptions of some stuff that'd been burgled.   One item was an art-deco tea and coffee set. The cop said 'All the pieces are hexagonal. They have uh...ummm...they have quite a few sides...'  he had a digital watch too, none of this 'big hand, little hand' nonsense, he know what time it be  
  A revered religious figure of our state has a stroke and is admitted to hospital. As I try to move him into his bed he speaks garbled words out of half his mouth. He attempts to point to something, and knocks over his blood-stained piss-cylinder. It goes on the floor.  That's what this guy gets in return for his life's service to franchise religion.  I'm not cleaning that up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I dyed my hair for years with the $7.99 boxes of Clairol...but I could never wait the recommended three months in between, because I would get impatient to dye it again.  Lately, I hit upon the perfect solution--I bought a 32-oz bottle of hydrogen peroxide at the supermarket for forty-nine cents, and I comb a little through my hair every day.  I'll probably save at least fifty bucks a year that way, although my pillowcases have started to have bleached spots in the shape of my head...  
  i did a shit in the ocean while my friend was next to me. she felt something brush against her leg and reached down below the water to see what it was. let's just say she was not happy with her find..  
  Nothing quite as lowbrow as meeting a girl at a party, fucking her all night (no condom) the getting a great blowjob from the girl who has been in love with you for ages the following night.  She looks up once or twice with a funny look and you just suddenly remember you are pretty much wearing the same clothes as last night and quite possibly have a 'taste' on your member that perhaps she has never encountered before.... now that is low.....    
  Not my moment...  When I had to move out of my old place, I didn't want to leave my roommates footing the bill so I was scrambling to find a replacement roommate for myself. I ended finding this sorta creepy guy and he moved in shortly after.   One of my roommates wanted to ask him a question and his door was open, so he just walked in and found this dude masturbating furiously.   The lowbrow part? Rather than stopping his jackin or covering himself, he just turned his head to answer the question. He didn't miss a stroke.  
  The realization that my grown children don't give a shit about my personal life as long as I'm there for them when they have problems.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Having been a non smoker for about five months, I decided one day this summer to have "smoking Monday." That day I sat inside all day, watching movies, playing video games and smoking. A lot.  I ate half a loaf of bread, a roll of Ritz crackers, peed twice, and had the liquid shits.  Ahhh. You know, sometimes I miss the good old days.  
  It was my first time getting drunk. The others were drunk and messed up on who knows what drugs.  I was panicking. My boyfriend who was cheating on me in the other room, told the homeless guy to take care of me.  The homeless guy laid down next to me and breathed his stinky homeless breath on me.   He told me I would be ok, and touched my breast.  I started screaming and someone helped me to my room where I locked the door.  People came in with paint ball guns and shot up the house.   A boy busted through the door in my room and fell on a broken glass candle holder, it went all the way through his hand. He huddled on my bed crying.  And after all that, I still drink.  
  there are these super christian kids at my school "no sex until marriage. abstinence is the best birth control" ha! one of those guys got a fat cheerleader pregnant. he was 17 and she was 14. what the FUCK? sooo.. thats what they've been doing at those FCA meetings huh?  
  One day in chem class, the teacher was talking about how fat is stored in the body and how ppl gain weight. Getting a little smile on his face, he said:  "If overweight people want to lose weight, all they need to do is get off their fatty acids."   Say it outloud if you don't get it. ^.-  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Fun Bouncing Cars  Did you know that four average-sized people can move a locked car? It's easy: One person to each corner, get in synch, and start bouncing it. When it bounces high enough to  momentarily get the wheels off the ground, push it along as you bounce. It's easier to push it sideways than forward or back. Anyway, on to Prestwick Academy, and a teacher we didn't like. He had a car that was exactly 6" shorter than the width of one of the school's deep entranceways ...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love my mom. I went thriftstore shopping with her for the first time recently (she buys up tons of seemingly-crappy items then sells them at yardsales at a mark up, makes a nice amount of cash) and as we walked in the door of Goodwill, she stopped and pulled on a pair of rubber gloves. "Wtf?" I asked. "Look at these people!" she gestured, loud as only a going-deaf little old lady can be. "I ought to wear a full-body condom just to come through the doors!" I love my mom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nothing will cure a hangover faster then a 10 sack of White Castle hamburgers for breakfast after a heavy night of drinking.   However, nothing will intensify a hangover more then a 10 sack of White Castle hamburgers BEFORE a night of heavy drinking.   There is serious research money that needs to be invested in this phenomenon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         (IM name withheld) (7:44:03 AM): Not meant as a come on: I smell your banana.  God damn .not only did they move me to the basement in an Office Space like move but they stuck me next to some weirdo and this is the first IM that he sends me.  At least the cockroaches don t seem as bad now.   
   I just told my Dogs that I know they wouldn't love me as much if I didn't have thumbs.  And they stared at me like they were plotting my thumbs demise!     When we lose our thumbs, The Dogs will rule the world!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The song says:  "I say do you speak-a my language?  He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite Sandwich."  I would have punched that guy in the balls.  Have you tasted that shit?  
   Cornell Students Become Unselfish  I walk into a Cornell dorm, visiting a couple of cuties (of course) who are far too young for me (of course). I'll clue up eventually, but in the meantime I enjoy the flirting and so on, and so do they. I get in the elevator, along with an untidy old guy with an empty shopping cart. He's nowhere near the strangest elevator companion I've had, so I'm not bothered, but he wants to talk. He: "The kids here are nice -- they give me all their empties, every week." Whoop-de-doo. Saves them from carting them to the trash, and gives the spoiled little fucks a fuzzy warm feeling. We get off at the same floor. I guess he's a Monty Python fan, because he trundles down the corridor shouting: "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so, in my dream last night, my girlfriend got bit by a zombie. as in most zombie movies, she didn't turn into a zombie right away, so i told her to bite me so i'd turn into a zombie too, and when she turned into a zombie, i would us both cause i couldn't live without her. so she bit me on the arm, and we hung out for the rest of the dream. then, whenever she turned into an undead monster, i shot her in the mouth with a shotgun, blowing the top of her head off. then i shot myself.  probably the most romantic dream i've ever had :)  
  I love new socks. They're all soft and cushy and warm. The only thing bad about new socks is all the lint that gets left over on your dick after you whack-off with it.  
  The week after my girlfriend dumped me, I went nuts and started fooling around with a few girls.  Was hanging around with one of them afterwards, and she casually mentioned her best friend.  Turned out she was the girl I'd done shit with the night before.  Needless to say, they both hate me now.  
  I was taking a prolonged dump at work. There was a guy in the stall next to me, also taking a shit. I finished, left the stall, and washed my hands.. The other guy finished and walked out the door... I'm glad I know who not to shake hands with.  
  It's a terrible thing to see a close family torn apart over something as simple as wild dogs.  
  As if my headache was not bad enough, the team of supervisers at work today are all wearing black pants, white shirts, black ties, black sunglasses and black hats, walking up and down the ailes of cubicles in the call center clapping and grinning, cheering about "customer service."  The CEO of the company is here today and we are forced to wear cheesy necklaces with an image of him waving a giant foam finger with a quote ("If you don't love customers, you shouldn't be in this game!").  Even as I write this, they are cheering in the distance as though this were a football game.  I really hate this job.  Vodka and lowbrow are the only things that get me through my days.  
  I like to go in the bathroom at work and pick my nose. When I get a nice big booger on my finger, I flick it onto the floor. It comforts me knowing someone is probably walking around with my booger on their shoe and quite possibly taking it home with them.  
  I was auditioning for a band with the lead singer, who was adorable if a bit chubby. (I was maybe gonna sing harmony.) Well he wanted to see me dance, see how I would move on stage. So I did. But I said, it's not really that sexy I'm not trying hard. I need sexy music. Well, put some on, he said. Or something like that. Point being, I ended up giving him a lap dance. Somewhere along the line we ended up kissing and we ignited like a couple dry twigs, 'cos I hadn't gotten laid in months.   Anyway, stuff started getting really hot, but he had a beard and the kissing went on so long my lips started to hurt, so I mentioned having to go to work or something. I went to open the door for him, but we kept kissing. Then he pinned me against the door and I stopped trying to open it 'cause that's one of my favorite things. Lips be damned! Who needs lips? I didn't care if they're sore anymore.  So things proceed, and he puts my hand down his pants.  Now, up till now, I figured he was maybe half erect or something.   He wasn't. He was pitching the tiniest little pup-tent I ever had the displeasure of grabbing.  I made quick excuses and got rid of him.  PS: We did end up hooking up later for some mindbending sex. So it *is* the motion of the ocean, but please - if you've got a dinky winky, don't shock us poor girls like that!  
  Sometimes after I shower then have sex I feel my hair and wonder if that's dried up cum in my hair, or is it hair gel?  Then I light a cigarette and forget all about it.  
  I dated a girl in college who proudly refered to herself as my "socially presentable gutterslut." *sigh* How I miss her so.  
  She looked up at me, tenderness and excitement in her eyes and, asked, "Do you want to be on top the whole time?" Confused, I replied, "I just was."        
  I don't remember where I was or what I was doing, but about 3 weeks ago, I smelled a stick of incense and recognized the scent from somewhere else.  I couldn't place the scent for anything.  Kinda spicy (not hot, but  spice -y), yet kinda herbal, medicinal undertones, but sorta friendly (don't ask me why it smelled friendly; just an impression I got).  It drove me nuts, cuz it's a smell I'd smelled before, and was familiar with.  I nearly shit a brick when I realized the scent I was thinking of was Preparation H.  
    idol worship  idle worship  idle warship    In God we trust. But then again, who is God?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know what's cheaper than purchasing anal beads?  Swallowing marbles and waiting.  
  Jen and I are sitting around talking about the disgustingly creepy guy that works at the convenience store.  I say "Oh my god, he looks like a pedophile!"  We both burst into hysterical laughter.  Two minutes later, Jen says "What's a pedophile?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my good friend Amy & I are watching "Purple Rain" one night. And ya know, Prince starts singing "When Doves Cry", so naturally, like the 80's geeks we are, we start singing along.  Us: "How can you just leave me standing, alone in a world that's so cold. Maybe I'm just too demanding..." Amy: "...maybe I'm just like my father, Tilbo." Me: (looking at Amy) "What did you say?" Amy: "Tilbo." Me: "Tilbo?" Amy: "Yeah, Tilbo. Isn't that what it says?" Me: "Uh, no. It says 'too bold.'" Amy: (pause) "Oh, I thought it was Tilbo." Me: "What the hell is Tilbo?" Amy: "I thought maybe it was the name of his dad or something."  
  I tried not to look.  But when one of your friends and co workers comes into the store sporting wood, it's a bit... akward to say the least.  We stood there at the glass display counter just abover waist level eating. Every time I'd grab a fry, there it was... Lookin' at me.  The worst part is he's only got 4 inches... TOPS...  It did wonders for my self esteem, but I really had to hold back from commenting.  I feel sorry for his girlfriend. Mostly becuase they haven't gotten physical yet, but if he tried anything, she'd totally be the kinda girl to say "Jeez honey... don't you have a finger you could use?"  I should get back to working.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to sit in chatrooms with geeky people who talk about geeky things, like their "mysql servers" and "halflife mods" and "linux bawxes" and such, and just randomly spit out stuff like "I like poptarts." or "Kittens sure are cute."  Sometimes they don't even notice me, and sometimes the thread of their in depth techie conversation gets completely switched over to s'more flavored pop tarts. It makes me feel powerful.  
  So I'm going through my weed a couple of weeks ago and there is this long, black hair stuck in it. Why is there always skanky hippie hair in my buds? Has anyone else ever noticed that? Well, not being particularly ambitious right at that moment, I just sort of tossed it aside after noticing that it was pretty well crusted with resin. Well, one thing lead to another and last night I ran out of weed while in a bad way. Scraped out the dugout, shook out the bags, looked in all my pipes, nothing...   The water bong did a pretty good job of filtering out the burning hair taste.  
  I remember once a couple of years ago with my friends, two hot girls came over. I started up wrestling matches against them. Hardcore stuff. Had him pinned down on the ground, all sorts of interesting wrestling positions. My friends were really horny and wanted to grope the girls too, so they got in on the wrestling and while they were doing it they kept slipping a hand here or there. Once the girls caught on they refused to do any more wrestling. I was pissed, because I wasn't groping them, I seriously had been interested in wrestling them  Rare for me to find someone who's ass I can kick  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         An American In Edinburgh #2  I had the perfect summer job, installing  son et lumiere  lights around Edinburgh Castle. One day we were shovelling a truckload of sand into the (dry) moat, to use as rock-free bedding for the cables we were burying.  Two archetypical American tourists come up to us.  I swear one of them had glasses with rhinestone wings on them:  "Ohmygosh! Are you filling in the moat?"  The wee Glasgow bauchle I was working with looked up, said:  "Naw, hen - we're building a sandpit for the bairns."  
  There was an unwrapped condom on the floor of the shower at the gym last night.  And to make matters worse, it was bright orange colored so you couldn't miss it if you tried.  
  Ever tried to do lowbrow with onlookers?  It doesn't work.  Trust me.  Like Bourbon rocks and talking to your dog, lowbrow is best experienced alone.        
  I just created a turd so vast that even after the whole department has used the toilet all day it   is lurking malevolently.   " I Made This "  ...and nobody knows who the perpetrator was, although the accusations are flying thick and fast.  ...kind of like my creation  
  Last two headlines of the Portland Press Herald based out of Maine.  "136 Deaths This Year By Drug Overdose"  "Maine May Ease Up On Educational Goals"  Is there a connection?  Probably not.  Fucking Maine.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm in the break room chatting it up with all the other losers at my job. We're bitching and moaning about how we hate our job when BAM, the boss-lady walks in with a big ol' shit face grin. Stupidly one of the dickheads sitting in the breakroom ask what she's so happy about? She replies with, "I'm pregnat." My return comment. "Do you know who the father is?"  Who do you think have the shit face grin when they left that breakroom? Hint: It wasn't her!  
  Straight out of some comedy with lots of pot smoking.  Me and 4 friends pull up to the intersection with thick smoke pouring out of the car.  "Shit cop!  Roll up the windows!"  "Shit!"  "Shit!"  "Cool, he wasn't looking."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My gene pool is the the shallow one with green water in it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Messing With Lawyer's Heads #1  My wife's lawyer called and asked if I could explain my "position" on the upcoming divorce. I told her: "Missionary, mostly, but I'm fairly open to suggestions." My wife told me later, amid much laughter, that the lady honestly didn't seem to understand...  
  Good communication skills  are important. Talk to various objects during the day. This will cause people to  look at you strangely  and get out of your way. Feel the power of communication!  
  I have a friend who pissed his pants in front of a group of people,at school for ten dollars. I asked him why he did it. He said,"Cos now I'll be known as the guy who pissed his pants for ten dollars.". Makes sense when ya think about it.  
  i think it is hysterical that the wide pants wearing nose ring sporting twohundred dollar shade owning fubar captain dog stylie are the same losers who will totally back down when it gets ugly the psychos you should watch for are the quiet nermal types who don t say jack and then explode in a slaughter of what the fuck  
  I used to use Pantene bottles as dildos in the shower (the older penis shaped ones).   They changed the design of their bottles and haven't bought it ever since.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm 24 and my momms is around 60. The other day in my momms attempt to be cool and hip (actually about 11 years too late) looks at me and says.... "oh yeah, YOUR MOMMA!!!"   I just looked at her and said "You're my mom."    
  After a particularly lousy day at the office, being subject to the usual mentally torturing by management, despairing that it was only Wednesday, and realizing that all my vacation time was used up...I headed to the can for some peace and quiet.  I went into one stall and found the toilet clogged to the rim with someone's nuclear gastrointestinal meltdown.  The stall beside it was free and clean, so I sat down to bask in the peace of the porcelain and tile surrondings.  Then, halfway through my efforts, some knob goes into the stall next to me, mutters in disgust at the same discovery I made moments before, then ... flushes the damn thing.  Of course it overflows all over the floor and flows downhill into my stall, trapping me.  I resigned from the damn place soon afterwards.    
  Man I love people who swear a lot. Fuck this, eat shit and die, goddamn mutherfucking nazi queer bastards. I love this site you fucks.   I used to drive my mom crazy with the cussing and she couldn't figure out why I had such a mouth......Until she realized she talked like a fucking sailor herself.  Life would be awesome if I could get high at work.  
  so, i open my email today and i find this letter:  "you know... there is nothing i love more in this world than bleeding profusely from between my legs, with these little curdles of blood oozing its way out, making me change my tampon bout every 2 hours so i dont soak myself or anything im around.... i just thought i would share that with you. "  and i start to think, damn i wish i were a chick.    
  One night we spent ages wandering around the supposed red-light district so that one of our friends could find a prostitute and win his  5 bet.  We couldn't find one but we did find a guy who was on a similar mission who became our temporary friend.  
  I once asked my mom what we were going to have for dinner.  "Shit with sugar" was her reply.    
  He has this cat that is incredibly neurotic, even for a cat. It is so needy it can't stand to be in a room alone, and it follows him everywhere like a wannabe puppy. If he's not home, it follows me.  So I torment it by going from room to room, leaving just as it settles into a comfy spot, and to ice the cake, I go outside and stand just outside the door, because it's terrified to go outdoors and dances in agony, meowing like a siren.  I hate that cat.   
  We spent all day at Disneyland Paris hunting for Snow White, to see if we could get into her French panties. We even rode the "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" ride, which is the second-biggest waste of time in the park. Yeah, we went on "It's A Small World" too.    
  Feb 6 2003 ---------------- Walking my dog, stop in at the Instant Teller to deposit my cheque. Enter the teller (with dog) meet the guy who has gotten in there and is getting ready to bed down for the night, with his sleeping bag (it's February, in Toronto=Cold) and meal. We chat, he asks for change, I have none, he talks to the dog tries to get him to do tricks. He'll sit, but that's about it. He asks me if he can do anything else. I say "No, and you're usually lucky if he even sits. he is a pretty good beggar though"  Open Mouth, Insert Foot.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My night in Santa Monica had been so bad, that in order to redeem it, I had my fortune told by Sister Clara Claravoyant.  A psychic cat.  I still have the fortunes.  
  I was on a deep sea fishing trip this weekend. GREAT trip. Brought home a good share of haddock fillets for the folx. I read the posts on the way in...    "No alcohol....."  "Strict no tolerance policy..."  "Illegal substances met with severe   consequence..."  I sat there high as a kite, watching this group of 17 year olds pouring Miller High - Life into Pepsi cans.... I though, "HighLife....no way, that's LOW-Life...."  "No." I corrected myself.  That's lowbrow.  
  she was crying again and in the corner of her room but it was strange her reactions were too quick and her speech was carefully slurred and her face wasnt twitching quickly enough to be anything more than a ploy another fucking ploy she started to crawl toward the window and i noticed she had cut herself in those careful just deep enough to bleed not deep enough to bleed to death depth she slid the window open and started to climb out  i freaked go ahead and jump out i said youre too much of a coward to hurt yourself and too much of a lame ass to do anything about the crap that makes you need so much fucking attention not your standard crisis hotline shit i know but for crissakes shit or get off the pot she sat on the floor glowering at me i cut myself cos i cant feel anything any more she whimpered whoa breakthrough heres a number of a woman who helped my last girlfriend i going outside now to play in the snow see your fragged ass when you get your life back the noose was real tight that time i mean if i stayed with her she would just wind up fucking all my friends behind my back just like she did with her last three boyfriends im not that much of a masochist        
  I used to drink a lot. After rehearsal, we all went to this bar, and we met this friend of a friend. She was cute. First Matt walks up to her and says, "Hi, my name's Matt. That means you can walk all over me."  Not to be outdone, I walked up to her and said, "Hi, my name's John. That means you can piss in my mouth."  I used to drink a lot.  
  Sittin in spanish class in a prep school which requires laptops. With internet access. Right. Im really gonna write an essay about some story about the ghost of a crying woman. With lowbrow.com around? No way. Its far more interesting to read the accounts of druggies and sexpots.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night, desperate for a decent toke, I go down to the brewpub.  I'm in luck -- my good friend John is working bar.  Flirting heavily with him is a truly jawdropping hardbodied woman, just flown in from Colorado for a marathon!  I sit down next to her and she and I start talking friendly.   "John?" I say, with eyebrows high and inquisitive.  He looks slightly put on, but we're good friends, so he nods, and goes out to get me a dimebag ( excellent  weed, as it turns out).  I ask her, sincerely: "Is it fun having guys drool over you?"  She smiles knowingly, and says: "Have you known John long?"  Me: "Sure -- he's a really good guy, but everybody says he's selfish in bed. You know -- two pumps and a squirt..."  John comes back, slips me the bag, waves off my money, saying "I trust you."  
  i knew she was a lesbian, but i kissed her on the lips anyway. it was the only way i would ever get that close to that much pussy at one time. she said, 'well that was inappropriate.' i thought, no shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was only 2 hours to drive home, but we were too hung over so we got a hotel room. We spent 3 days there because every night we got shitfaced, screwed, and watched crappy shows on cable until the wee hours and then overslept and woke up too hung over (still drunk,actually) to check out and drive.  
  eggs give me gas. like, toxic, nuclear gas.  my friends know how bad it is. they are afraid of me when i eat eggs. i love eggs too, which sucks. i can't eat eggs if i'm going out into public in the next two days.  so sitting at a work luncheon, ordering a salad, without eggs, my coworkers start asking, "why no eggs?"...they know i like them.  i sit there, "um...um...".  the old director of the center asks, "is it because of the cholesterol? i cant eat them either."...i agree enthusiastically. imagine, a healthy 19 year old not eating eggs cuz of cholesterol. i was just saving their asses from the smell that would come later at the office. they should thank me.  
  Ex boyfriend stealing entire Christmas shopping fund out of my purse to go out with his asshole friend to get drunk, buy pot and pick up other girls...$400.00  Ex boyfriend punching me in the face when I tried to stop him and I had to go to the hospital for a broken nose....$1500.00  Ex boyfriend taking my car and then hitting a family from Iowa who was stopped at a red light and trashing it...$7845.98  Using his toothbrush on my dogs itchy anus and watching him use it after....priceless  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we decided it was best to split up and be friends, it would be for the better on both our parts.  then we decided to not mess around anymore.  when she dropped me off at my truck we kissed goodbye for the last time.  Tool - Lateralus started playing on the radio and i told her it was one of my favorite songs and she told me i couldn't stop kissing her until it was over.  gotta love 9 minute long songs.  then we went back to my apartment and fucked each other's brains out for the rest of the night.   
  Now that my wife and I had our first kid, I always leave PLENTY of diapers and other baby supplies out for the sitter.   There's no way I want that kid looking in our bedside tables.  She probably wouldn't come back.  
  "what religion *are* you, anyway?" she asked.  "unitarian universalist," i replied.  "oh. is that a cult thing?"  
  As I moved towards the bus to leave from my visit with her friend her boyfriend suddenly called out, "Remember, strangers have the best candy."  Nobody on that damn bus had any candy.  
  So i'm outside on the porch at a party, getting some fresh air. (A non-smoker can only take so much of an unventilated basement with 10 smokers) My roommate's girlfriend was sitting out on the porch, crying. I ask her what's up, she tells me that my roommate just broke up with her tonight. She's all broken up, she lost her virginity to him. (Poor girl, I know from many a story that my roommate is a really, really shitty lay.)  Story keeps going, turns out she wanted to stay a Techinical Virgin  for when she got married, (she's an Oral Roberts University student, if you know what that school is, then this is even funnier) so he talked her into good old fashioned anal sex. She's been taking it in the ass like a trooper 3-4 nights a week for the whole 5-6 months they've been dating.   Two things floated across my mind during this conversation.    One, could anyone even think of calling themselves a virgin after spending 6 months giving a guy a blowjob, and then having him pound her in the ass?   Two, that's some serious dedication and love, taking it up the ass from a guy who couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag. God knows that girl was sore alot of mornings. Not to mention I know from many of his other one night stands that he couldn't orally please a woman if his life depended on it.  So in the end, I'm gonna give her the Techinical Virgin , because she never really had sex, she just made herself into a warm hole for him to jack off in. Poor girl is gonna spend the rest of the time she's single and unmarried thinking that's as good as sex gets.  
  I took a two-day 'Job Search Skills Workshop'. The only reason I went was in the vain hope of meeting a hottie. And maybe to try and find a job, but that was a secondary condition at best.   So against all the odds, there was an unemployed hottie there. Everything was going well, I was talking to her and there was no obvious disdain for a guy without a job. Then the inevitable happened.   Employment Counsellor: "What kind of volunteer experience do you have?"  Hottie: "Cancer Society."  E.C.: "Any particular reason you volunteered with them?"  Hottie: "Yeah, my boyfriend has cancer." And then she giggled. She had a tendency to do that at inappropriate times. According to her, she was just a 'dumb blonde'.   After the last girl I met had a boyfriend, I decided I wouldn't let that stop me. But when she said he had bloody cancer, I just couldn't do it. I'm not exactly sure if she said he 'has' cancer, or if he 'had' cancer, or if by boyfriend she meant boyfriend at the time, or what. But I couldn't see myself asking for her number, and then her replying "Didn't you hear me say I had a boyfriend? With cancer?" and then me replying "I didn't know if you meant he was your boyfriend with cancer when you first volunteered, and now he's your ex, or (better yet) dead... " and then I'd sort of try and back away slowly for a few steps, then turn around and hit a dead run out of there.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How the hell did a pubic hair get in my sock?  
  When I die I'm going to be propped up like Michael Jackson singing Thriller. Or I might just have my mouth filled with Ranch Dressing and everyone has to dip a carrot into it out of respect.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Period Sex.  Just over a year ago, I had my first sexual encounter with a girl while she was mensturating and I must say that it is very under-rated.  On a Friday night, I met a nice girl at an otherwise horrible party at one of my college's fraternities.  Both of us had a couple beers and talked the whole night, made out, and I got her number.  The next day I called her up, we got some lunch together, then later went to dinner and saw a movie.  Well, needless to say one thing led to another (or else I wouldn't be posting this) and we eventually ended up going back to her place.  Eventually, the clothes came off, and out of habit I started to go down on her when she kinda backed off, I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she didn't want to be eaten out, but that she still wanted to have sex.  I was kind of confused, but that definately didn't matter, as I put on a condom and came.  Now, I noticed that there was a little blood on my penis when I was having sex with her, but I assumed that perhaps it was her first time.  However, when I was taking off the condom, I noticed just how much blood there was, which was when she explained that she was on her period.  Now let me tell you, there's definately a sense of accomplishment to finish having sex to find your (my) penis covered in blood.  The next night (Sunday) she was still on her period, and this time when I went to go down on her, she backed off like she did before.  So I told her "I don't mind," but it actually wasn't a problem as blood does not defy gravity, and I survived the cunnilingus without any blood on my chin.  I'm still with the girl 1 year later, the sex has always been great, except for that one time... but that's another low brow moment.  
  I get stuck in a forty-five minute conversation with the "professional" craps player who asked me for directions to the parking structure at the casino.  He tells me he has ESP, and knows exactly when the sevens are going to roll.  To prove it, he says he'll guess my height and age to the number.    "Okay," he says, looking at me intently.  "You're 6 foot 1."  Two inches off.  Maybe my shoes added the inches.  Let's give him the benefit of the doubt.  "All right, now your age," he continues.  "I say...  hmm...  36."  Damn, only nine years off.  Eat THAT, Miss Cleo.  They just don't make quality psychics like this guy anymore.  He goes on to tell me how his family has shunned him, even though he has this amazing craps playing ability.  "No one believes the broke guy, you know what I'm saying, my friend?"  Oh.  He's BROKE too.  "Well, Jesus, pal," I say.  "I just can't understand why people are so god damned RESULTS ORIENTED, you sad, sad example of the worst in humanity."  Except I didn't exactly phrase it that way.  Instead, it came out as, "Man, that's a bummer" as I was handing him five dollars and walking away to my car.  
  Me: "Are you having trouble?" She: "I just can't get the lock on the ice container to work. I think it's frozen." Me: "Well, the old solution is to just piss on the lock, but I'm not volunteering, and I don't think you could reach that high." She, laughing: "Well, piss on that idea!" I take a try at the lock, and get the goddamed thing open. I walk into the quickstop and get my cigarettes. I walk back out, and now she's got the hood of her car up. Me: "Oh no. You still having problems?" She: "It just won't start. Whenever I try to start it, all the interior lights go out! I might have to call a ride." She's awful pretty, and distraught. Me: "Certified auto mechanic at your service, ma'am." I start the diagnosis. I'm thinking battery terminals. First test, Me: "Turn on your headlights, and then try starting it." It starts up immediately. She: "Could you just slam my hood down? THANK YOU!" Me: "Eh: I charge $75 for roadside calls... I hold my hand out and she laughs. She's gorgeous. She: "When I get home, I'm going to tell my husband all about how wonderful you were!" Fuck fuck fuck, but I still tell her to get her battery terminals fixed.  
  My brother suddenly has these recollections of repeated enemas throughout his childhood, in my grandmother's tiny bathroom, administered my person unknown.  He thinks it's funny.  My aunt is worried about a lawsuit.  
  He's so proud of that convertible, it's like his 20MPG penis extension. He won't let his wife drive it, and he yelled at his kid for touching it after he spent the afternoon fondling it with wax. Yet he's too damn lazy to put the top up. When he came out this morning after I'd turned the sprinklers on next to the car all night, it was an amazing display of woe.    
  ok so last night I get together with this girl for some bed dancing. As shes leaving to get into her car I press my face against the door glass and lick it. I'm 25 years old, what the fuck was I thinking?  You know, the way I act, its a good thing I'm well endowed...  
  Went to an all-you-can-eat ribs dinner with the family.  Me, my brother, and his girlfriend managed to pack down an additional 7 plates of ribs (not counting the first plates we each recieved).  I was in the bathroom, trying to make room for more ribs (and some dessert) when I thought:  "If I was bulemic, this would be an even BETTER deal!"  
  A male friend of mine just informed me that the world is divided into two catagories:  safe for vaginal use, and unsafe for vaginal use.  Every girl should have a list, he says.    
  i used to go to this all-you-can-eat chinese restaurant every sunday. my feet smell just like that buffet line.  
  Spent a whole saturday afternoon translating into Spanish the instruction manual of a bow making machine which I actually have never seen physically.   
  I hate when I go to take that first leak in the morning at work and realize that I'm wearing yesterday's undies.  Every thing else is clean, but for some reason when I got out of the shower I put on the same damned pair of boxers.  
  I was at this bar in Kitchener that had a balcony that looked upon the dance floor. Some fucker up there hocked a loogie and it landed on the back of my hand all green and mucousy and fucking gross. I started grinding with my best friends girl friend and I wiped it off on her ass.  
  We are easily amused. Perhaps it is the marijuana, but we can laugh about Mike from Real World New York II's stripey midwest clothing for hours.  Also Leif Garrett Behind the Music, our nasty facelifted ex boss, and Arnold Schwarzenegger crank call tapes. Someone should take away the fucking trust fund.  
  I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon to many expensive beers.  I pretend I can tell the difference between an $8 bottle of wine and a $30 one, but I usually can't.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i can't understand how does a kid masturbates with an american pie.  once a friend of mine recieved a package from someone. as if it was not that heavy and didn't make any noisy while shaking it, he threw it to the kitchen's ground. later, when he opened the package, there were shredding pieces of what was supposed to be a watch *expensive one* and a sheet that said "warning, fragile content inside".  dumbness.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Erotic is using a feather, Kinky is using the whole damn Chicken!  
  A 'brow-worthy moment from Roger Ebert:   Freddy Got Fingered   Rated  | R  Stars  | none Tom Green as a manic, obnoxious, hostile retard in a movie about urine, semen, licking wounds, wearing bloody animal skins, and swinging newborn babies by their umbilical cords.  This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel.  This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel.  This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel.  This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.  
  a drunk, homelss fool came to my register at the liquor store to buy another pint of vodka. as i rang him up, his pants fell down. the counter was too high for me to see whether or not he was wearing underwear. either way, i dont wanna know.  
  Bedroom boredom killer #762  call them your "mighty whities" instead for a change.   
  I'm a blonde-haired, blue eyed, all-American boy in his early 20s.  So I'm working in the dungeon level of Universal Studios as the monkey who puts everyone in numbered lines so they can go off to time travel. And these two Japanese teenage girls are staring at me. I take it as a compliment, until they start snapping flash pictures of me. This is a dark room and the flashes are kinda messing me up. So I smile at them and try to calm them down.  But then they yell out "Leo! Leo!" Oh dear God. No. They think I'm DiCaprio. Tourists always think that movie stars come to Universal Studios to hang out.  So I show them my name tag and try to shut them up, because the room is full of 60 tourists now cracking up, but the only English they know is "Leo DiCaprio" and the closer I get to them the more they freak out. Of course, my co-workers see this and I never hear the end of it.  But somewhere in some high-school in Osaka there are girls swooning over pictures of me in my ugly, ugly uniform.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So the other day i was smoking a joint in the shed behind my house, when I hear my mom's car pull up in the driveway.  I got so freaked out that i just threw the joint and high tailed it to my room.  ten minutes later, my mom comes into my room yelling that i need to call 911, because the shed is on fire.  Moral: Put out your joints, kids.  
  Once, when I was in Mexico, I bought a giant statue of the Virgin Mary. I didn't know how to get it home, so I sent it by mail.  Then I forgot about it. Imagine my surprise when I opened THAT package.  It came wrapped in bubble wrap though, the big kind, and lots of it.  I wrapped it around my body and rolled around on the floor.  That was as close to nirvana as I'll ever get.  
  i disagree.  urinals are divided, not to reinforce the notion that pissing is shameful, but to bolser the fear that a glimpse of another guy's cock will turn you queer.  
  My car broke down a little while ago.  When I finally took it in, the mechanic told me that it would cost about 3 g's to fix, which is way more then it's worth.  I ended up selling it to a junk yard for $200.  I'm no longer Chris Camaro.  Just Chris.  
  I sometimes wonder if some gals approach me because they can read my mind and know that I'm wondering what it would be like to lick them all over.  Or maybe my tongue gives me away and I just don't realize it.          
  My mom once told us kids that if they'd had cable none of us would have ever have been born.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The home page on my Internet Explorer is, of course, LowBrow. Just every now and again, when I start up Internet Explorer, one of  my  moments comes up first. That's when I know that I've finally,  truly  arrived. I'm a genuine World-Class celebrity! The Internet is world-wide after all, isn't it? I pollute the crap out of this world-famous site, don't I? So why hasn't J Lo e-mailed me yet?   
  i was 15 and very, very drunk- pissed drunk as we liked to say in canada.  it was late at night (or early in the morning, depending on your perspective);  i was coming home from a keg party.  as soon as i walked in the door, i grabbed the fruit bowl from my parents kitchen table, and dumped out the fruit (a banana and a mango, if my memory serves me).  i sat down, on my parents lovely couch, and  within a few minutes,  vomited purple chunks (i had been drinking raspberry cooler)  into the bowl.  i felt an incredible sense of pride for not puking on my parents furniture or floor.  as this thought flashed through my young mind, i heard my fathers footsteps coming from upstairs, and in a state of utter fear (i was terrified of my dad, still am actually), i grabbed my purple chunk filled bowl and ran down the basement stairs.  making my way towards the bottom, i tripped and fell, sending purple chunks all over the basement.  fuck.         
  My "shipmates" and I love to play spades during our mid-watches (6:45pm-6:45am).  Last night was particularly amusing.  My friend, who was an opponent at the moment, loves to sneakily look in the hand of cards delt to the person sitting next to her.  Unknowingly to her,her ignorant action was obviously seen by me after she had peeked into my hand. "What the hell do you think you're doing?  I saw you look in my fucking hand!", I yelled at her. "The way you hold your cards is INVITING me to look at it, so i'm going to do it.", she replied. "So, if a guy walks up to you, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick, and is INVITING you to suck it, you would, huh?"   She didn't look at my hand the rest of the night.    
  I went to see a movie last night, and I was waiting for my friends (who are always late)  and some guy, about 20 years older than me walks into the lobby.  I accidentally, and mistakingly make eye contact with him.  He walks over to me, sits down, and starts to tell me how he just came down here to go to the pub and have a pint, but the pint costs $5 and he only has $3.  So he goes on to explain how he just came into the theatre to see what movies are playing, "You know, for next time".  And then as my friends finally show up he says, "Hey, do you have two bucks so I can go have a beer?  I came all this way".   I walk around downtown all the time, past all these homeless people, begging me for money to buy food, because they are starving, and this cock expects me to give him two dollars just so he can go get some beer! I gave him eighty-five cents.....its all the change I had   
  all my friends are incredibly inspired and creative.  i simply love and revel in porno.  they picked me up at Melbourne airport in a limo and told me i was the most amazing legend of all. (porno has nothing to answer 4)   
  I'm managing a swimming pool over the summers.  I'm 22 and the rest of the lifeguards are highschoolers...16, 17, 18, etc.  We talk of throwing a party for the guards.  My paycheck just came, and I wanted to stock up on the hard stuff.  I've only had a sip of Long Island Iced Tea before, but I loved it.  I decide to buy all the required ingredients.  Gin, vodka, clear rum, tequilla, triple sec, and sour mix.(email me for the recipe).  Brilliant thought, have a Long Island Iced Tea party for my guards!  $120 later I had a half gallon of all the required booze.  I mixed up a pitcher of the stuff, complete with lemon slices floating in it.      About 20 people, ages 15-23 showed up.  Of corse I had beer pong, pool, and darts in the baesment to keep us entertained.  4 iced teas and some other drinks later I broke out the bong.      There were at least 4 pukers that night(including me), and almost everyone passed out(including me).  One guy lost his shoes and his hat.  One shoe was found in a bush, and the hat turned up somewhere.     I feel that I'm a good role model.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         valentine's day after the bar we went back to a friend's house sam seduced me and fucked me for hours in the friend's bed  to get to the bathroom you had to go through the bedroom so everyone saw us fucking we didn't care  afterwards, my friends had all left i called a cab because i was cold and wanted a shower he shared a cab with me since he lived only a few blocks away i had the cabbie dump the guy 2 blocks from his house said i'd call him he didn't see why i had to leave him all i wanted was a cheap quick fuck, love em and leave em lowbrow enough for ya?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             I am a nudist in private.  It's simply very comfortable and besides, who is going to see me?  The sofa?     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About 12 or 13 I got caught shoplifting some model paint at Albertson's (at that time Skaggs-Albertson's) Me and my bud made it through the front doors and then we herar the "voice". My friend took off but the security guy had a good grip on me and proceeded to lead me back into the store.  Well we're heading for the back of the store and I decide to bolt. So there I am running full bore through a crowded store, weaving this way and that way. Dumbass me is wearing some of those stupid ass "earth shoes" with the wavy soles. I go tearing down a long aisle and attempt a sharp turn, ended up destroying a very large potato chip display. (it was actually pretty cool)  Spent an hour getting grilled by store security and then taken to the police station.  There are many more "sub" moments to this entire story.....  However, my parents, who were on their way to a black tie formal for Haliburton were none to happy having to make an "extra" stop before the gala affair and pick me up.     
  Last year, during my sophomore year of college, my friends and I switched from drinking hard liquor to drink 40s (40 oz malt liquor, for the uninitiated).  You know, since obviously you can be more productive after a 40 than after a few rounds of shots.  Well, anyway, one night after a few games of beer pong and two Old English 800s we decided to relive freshman year and thought that killing a bottle of 151 would be a good idea.  Have you heard the saying "beer before liquor, never been sicker"?  Apparently the same applies to malt liquor tenfold.  The next morning I was informed that somehow I had managed to coat all three walls of the stall, the inside of the door, and my best friend's girlfriend who was in the next stall with puke.  Now the seniors in my hall have bet me $100 that I can't pull the 360 puking maneuver again and also hit the ceiling this time.  What the hell, dignity doesn't pay the bills.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work in a convenience store/gas station/liquor store/bait & tackle shop when I was 16. There was this old bitch who used to come in everyday, buy a quart of milk, all the while bitching that the quart of milk that she had bought the day before had been sour. (Jesus wept...) Anyway, I was in the walk-in, stocking the dairy shelves and I hear her come in. I turn out the light in the walk-in and wait. Bitch reaches her hand in the freezer to get a quart of milk, all the while, complaining about the previous day's milk, when I reach out and grab her wrist. She's screaming and I'm yanking her halfway into the freezer and the milk and yogurt and cottage cheese and shit is flying everywhere. I give her three or four good yanks and then release her. She's yelling and screaming and freaking out at the manager. I exit the freezer and come in through the backdoor and the manager says, "Did you do what she says you did?" I tried to look grave and answered, "Yes. Yes I did." The manager looked at the bitch and said, "We'll handle this, ma'am." She grumped her way out of the store and the manager and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing.  
  i just used the top of a cd spindle to make easy mac in. so i wouldnt have dishes to do in the morning   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at a party with some friends of mine and everyone had to take their shoes off at the door of the house.  They ran out of beer but my friend found some red whine in the fridge... thing is most people dont keep red whine in the fridge.. fuck it, we drank it.. it tasted weird.  soon after we finished we left to another party in search of more beer, being the drunk bastard i was i took someones shoes and threw them in the bushesm i bet they never found them.  Then on the way to the party my friend had to get out to piss and lossed his shoes, guess karma struck the wrong person.  Oh and later i figured out that red whine was actually cooking whine.. oops  
  Okay, so a couple friends and myself moved into a new apartment.  The place turns out to be a shithole, no heat, drafty, no hot water, and a neighborhood full of drunk jocks from Ithaca College who are like a fucking plague of locusts on the weekends when the bars close.  But I digress.  When we first moved in, one of us noticed a little shiny thing in the bottom of the toilet.  After some careful poking and prodding with a long stick we determined that it was a blob of Mercury from a broken thermometer, must have been from the previous tennants.  Nobody wants to remove it because it's toxic, and what the hell would we do with it anyhow.  (not to mention that reaching into that toilet would be downright NASTY).  The mercury was sufficiently dense that no flush the toilet could muster would send it on it's way, so there it stayed for a couple months.  Then comes the fun part.  We decided to have a friendly competition as to who could leave a massive enough dump such that it would by sheer force sweep the Mercury down with it.    After a several day road trip to the midwest (with no access to a quality bathroom on the way back) to fetch an ebay find (An original 1982 Pengo arcade machine) I returned and completed the quest by vanquishing the blob of Mercury.  Now it lives somewhere in Cayuga Lake where it's quietly encouraging the local fish to grow extra eyes.  
  I had just wrapped up a meeting at Denny's with a few classmates from college, when I felt compelled to use the restroom. I stepped up to the urinal and couldn't help but wonder what the source of a strange bubbling sound eminating from the adjacent stall was. It turns out, a homeless man slipped into the Denny's restroom for a bit more than gastrointestinal relief. He was hitting a gravity bong out of the toilet! No, I didn't peek under the stall. The door was missing.        
  Like most obsessive browers, I have formed a mental image of what I think some regular posters look like:  Cheerleaderatyercrotch   Glen Close in Fatal Attraction (but freakier)  exwifeTXexes - a cross between Naomi Judd and Reba McIntyre  Fury440iii   Ian Mackaye (during his Minor Threat days)  JaneBondage007   Pinky Tuscadero from Happy Days (one of the greatest femullets of all time.  kell-h0und   Al the butcher from the Brady Bunch  LaDee   Lil  Kim (but with less clothing)  Limbo   Groundskeeper Willie, naturally  sorry_e_e   the actual e.e. cummings, or maybe a young Don Knotts  Stillbonging   Woody Harrelson  Umcpong   the cute Latin boy from Queer Eye  Xeres_the_Great   Paul Reubens (sorry man, it s the Pee-Wee/Showgirls moment)  xxx_mentors   Kramer   
  On an average night, I was over at my friend's apartment, sitting around getting drunk.   We were all mildly wasted. Some of us went outside to talk and smoke, on the porch.   I watched as two incredibly drunk girls wobbled across the grass between two apartment buildings. Then right infront of our porch on of the girls drops her pants and pees.   I couldn't get everyone from inside outside, fast enough. Too bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i can't verify this, but it must be true, as my friends never let me forget about it.  waffle house, hwy 54 at fayetteville, south durham. around 3am.  the entire restaurant was staring at me as i stood in a booth, screaming one phrase over and over.  "child penis."    
  Star Trek is better than Star Wars.  No it's not.  Star Wars rules.  No, Star Trek is way better.  No, Star Wars kicks its ass.  Wanna compare? An X-wing could take out the whole Enterprise!  Not if Captain Kirk...  Oh yeah, let's see 'em take on Darth Vader and a Star Destroyer...  No, Star Trek is better!  Star Wars!  Star Trek!  Star Wars!  No!  Yeah!  No!  Yeah!  Oh yeah?  YEAH!  (slapslapslapslapslapslapslap...slapslapslapslap...)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Now a friend of mine promised me he posted up a particularly embarrassing moment on lowbrow that he wouldnt share with me in person. Maybe he lied. Maybe Im unlucky. But Ive been here for 6 days now, I feel like Im on a bad acid trip from the fucked up shit Ive read but still nothing. ... Ive heard about the guy sticking a q-tip in his dick at least 8 times now. ... What is it with that fucking guy, the first seven weren't enough.  
  Sure, the hamburgers are thinner than Burger King or McDonalds.    Sure, the restaurant is small and crowded, with little room for dining.   And yes, it's in the middle of Downtown.  Yes, I had no money to spare.    The cook/servers were smoking 3 feet from the food prep area.    It all adds to the in-you-faceishness of the place.  Town Topic has the best food and atmosphere, as I gladly risk  life, limb, and honor to munch on yummy burgers and fries from plain white paper packages.  In the spirit, I don't care if anyone knows what I mean.       
  You know you work in a cool office when the afternoon entertainment consists of drinking warm Bacardi out of the bottle and pouring boxes of paperclips into a electric fan. Ghod bless IT departments.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My dad introduced me to a man who laughed so hard at lunch one day that loads of spaghetti shot out of his nose. Interestingly enough, this same man had lost two fingers on his right hand by getting drunk and falling off of the Cyclone in Coney Island.  
  My wife works for the Sierra Club.  Save the forests, stop oil drilling off the coast, end global warming, the whole bit.  Me?  I drive my SUV half a block to Albertson's for beer.  
  Once we started getting undressed she looked up at me with these big doe eyes and pouty lips. "I'll let you put it wherever you like," she said.  So a couple of days later I put it in her sister.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         WAY Too Much Information  I was talking to my mom while she was digging under her bed for a pair of shoes.  She randomly paused for a moment saying, "Yep, it's still there."  I had no clue what the Hell she was talking about.  She then told me that she had found her dildo on her husband's side of the bed and had replaced it to her side.  A sadistic, morbid curiosity came over me when I realized that my mom hadn't been in town for 2 weeks, so I did the unthinkable, I asked what all of you are thinking: did he use it?  She told me that she found "evidence" that he did.  That was enough for me to run out of the room, scarred for life.  I'll never be able to look at the twisted bastard the same way ever again.  
  I was in a bar bathroom taking a leak when a big redneck guy walked up to the urinal next to me. As he pulled out his wang, he inadvertantly pissed on my leg. I was shocked and speechless. He then offered to let me piss on him, but I was so completely dumbfounded I just washed my hands and walked out. My friends say I should've kicked his ass, but I think everyone laughing and pointing at him when he walked out was reward enough. Or I could've just peed on him.  
  So were all out at this fire.  Jim is just off in the woods getting a hard earned (and first) blowjob from his new girlfriend.    Paul sneaks out there with a disposable camera and we hear shreiks at the sudden flash of light in the forest.  Jim came storming back and got real mad and started threatening Paul who, being more of a fighter, clocked him upside the head with a tire iron.  Jim took off into the woods for a while to lick his wound.  Later Paul went to the store and bought him a Gatorade and by dawn we were all smoking - Jim crusted head and all - like it had never happened.  The bottom of this is that he never got that blowjob.  Not to mention that the camera was thrown into the fire.    Wished we hadn't done that.  
  How does one break the monotony of an eight-hour road trip back from Montreal to New York City?  Sex in the bathroom of every rest stop along the way, that's how.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i'm siting watching a show on discovery called "when planes go down" i suddenly get a mental image of a little cessna giving head to a giant 747 and the 747 calling the cessna its "bitch"  i got a huge boner  
  I was an art critic in Las Vegas.  No, really.        
  why does there have to be a point? what makes you think that just because you have some stupid, trivial, arbitrary purpose in life that youre so much better than the unmarried welfare mom with 3 kids who lives in a single-wide and smokes pot all day?  who died and made evolution god? i wonder.  
  Sometimes I wish I were photovoltaic.  I'd move down to Miami and shoot lightning out of my genitalia as part of a circus sideshow.  
   Getting Yourself Some Time To Think  OK, so you're in an intense conversation, with violence lurking just around the corner. He says something else, and you have no idea how to respond. Just assemble your best Sean Connery accent, stick your face in his, and say: " Are you talkin' tae me, or chewin' a brick? " Guaranteed to cause sufficient confusion to give him some pause. You'll have plenty of time to aim your forehead at the bridge of his nose...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The key to cleaning up human excrement is to pretend it's dog shit.  Theoretically, at least, there's nothing more disgusting about human feces than canine.  
  "call me naive, but i didn't think sex was complicated enough for a 406 page 'sex for dummies' manual."  more to the point, what scares me is the fact that they now have an instruction booklet (all 406 pages of it) telling the dummies how to reproduce. that book may very well be likely to destroy our gene-pool and cripple an already idiotic and simple-minded society of dummies.  actually. maybe it scares me more that you sat there for long enough with this book in your hands to look at how many pages there were.  ...ok now count the typos and word ommisions. i always do that when i get all high and mighty. makes me look like a dummy, too.  actually, come to think of it, it's pretty funny.  
  After she cleverly rejected my suggestion that she get a couple cheerleaders for her husband's birthday, we swapped our stalker stories.  Her story was that she started getting stalked when she had to fire a guy who was sexually harassing a co-worker.  He drove by her house constantly; he called and breathed at her; he followed her when she walked.  She tried the cops:   Cop: "Has he actually approached you? Then there's nothing we can do."  She: "How about I take out a restraining order?"  Cop: "Don't give him the satisfaction"  Then, suddenly, it stops.  A week goes by and she gets a call from the worker who had been harassed:  Worker: "Have you seen or heard from   lately?"  She: "No"  Worker: "I took care of it"  She: "Oh, tell me he's not hurt!"  Worker: "I can't do that -- his arm is broken in two places."  Good stalker story, sure, but mine is much better :-)  
  Don't you just hate it when you blow chunks and one gets lodged in the back of your sinuses? You snort to free it, but it goes down the wrong pipe and that only makes you cough, which makes it get stuck in your sinuses again. It's like your own personal game of ping-pong.  
  I suppose it's easy to forget, when you're tripping death on mushrooms, and your practically banging down the door of your friends 4th floor apartment, screaming at her asshole of a boyfriend to open up, who has been known to lock her out when she's having a good time and he isn't....    ...I suppose it's easy to forget that this apartment complex has a twin building.  *shrugs*  
  I'm out of town for a weekend with friends, staying at a hotel.  I come home, and am in the bathroom for hours at a time.  "Have you been drinking?" asks my mother.  "No, mom."  Just doing amphetamines.  
  As a change of a pace in my rather dull and inconsequential life, I had taken up conversing with a glass of milk. The amount of wisdom that mammary gland excretions are capable of dispensing was to say in the least, staggering. The knowledge obtained from my new aqquaintance had given me great fortune and immense power. Then....it started telling me things. Things that were not possible. Horridly immoral things. THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT EXIST. Things were never the same. I made a choice. I buried the shattered and stained pieces of glass in my lawn....  I now enjoy the company of a hunk of cheese, who has proven to be a more "solid" companion. But there are times when I look at the shelf over the fireplace, look at a picture of my beloved glass of milk and think..........  
  bein the man i am, i squirted waaaay too much habernero hot sauce on my noodles.  the next morning i shit liquid fire. nothing beats waking up in the morning and feeling like someone sprayed your asshole with pepper spray.  
  In the middle of having sex with my bf I look up and realize that there is a spider on the ceiling. I made him stop and go kill it. Then we picked up where we left off.   
  Just got my trenchcoat out of my car, and I thought the contents of the pockets were worth noting:  -2 Packets of instant macaroni cheese -2 Tins of tuna (both macaroni and tuna for lunch at work, but I didn't eat it) -mobile phone -tissues -grocery shopping receipt -keys -more tissues -shrapnel (coins) -weed pipe  -another grocery shopping receipt (first supermarket didn't have mince!?) -2 'LCM' wrappers (rice crispy treat type things) -that silly information sheet they give you in a condom packet. (bought some for the first time in a bloody long time - my dry spell may be over this weekend!) -more tissues -wallet   My pockets aren't even that big!  Must be like that bag that Mary Poppins has.  yes - this is probably the most meaningless moment i've posted, but no-one ever said they should have meaning hey?  I'm sure its not in the rule book.   
  this is what my buddy list looks like:  dudes(11/11) girls(4/5) girls i've boned(4/4) girls to bone(17/64) underage girls i shouldn't bone again(2/6)    
  really hate those comments like there are two kinds of people in the world mostly cos theres actually three a well dressed woman slips and takes a spill one kind helps her up without hesitation another kind laughs out loud in spite of him or herself and third is paralyzed in fear over what to do because they dont have the kahonies to make a freaking decision to get involved in anyhting not just this specific event the world is overpopulated with the third kind         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have this thing on my web browser called hotbar. it allows me to put nice pics on the top of my browser window. it also categorizes websites. it offers links of similar content to whatever page i am viewing.   when surfing through here, it compares lowbrow to performing arts, ballet, visual arts, and theatre. i NEVER would have imagined...  
  I cultivated a friendship with a REALLY fat woman, like 350 lb (hi, Patrice!)  I did it because fat people are usually invisible to me -- I don't respect them for getting so fat. It was a consious effort to expand my horizons.  We became good friends. One day, she described herself as a "vegetarian lesbian."  Says I: "Does that mean that you only fuck carrots?"  She loved it.    
  penquins on fire of course the only good penquin is a burning one parenth must be said with a dr zeus like voice endparenth        
  Taco Bell, Taco Mayo, Taco Bueno.......  It's all crap that gives you the fucking runs. I'd rather eat a hot, steaming turd than try and choke down that shit.....  And I'm not into scat or "hot karls".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I was browsing lowbrow. Getting my fix. Then it happened. The power went out. I almost started freaking, then i remembered my ancient PDA. Oh good the batteries still have a charge. Plug in the modem and dial the internet. (With a stolen ISP login I had laying around.) Well it turns out that I cant have the modem and the backlight on at the same time under battery power..Great, now I cant see anything.  DOESN'T THE POWER COMPANY KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF MY LOWBROW FIX?!?!?! Just enough batteries left to post this...  
  When I was in middle school, I was friends with the most annoying girl in the world.  I didn't really like her, but she had a swimming pool, so I was friends with her in order to go swimming every day in the summer.  The pool had a big sign up that said, "I don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in my pool."  I did anyway.  Every single day that summer.  
  At the New Year's Eve party, the Skank From Okie's name came up. No one would admit they refused to associate with her anymore, for fear of looking "not nice".  Lucky me, drunk enough not to care.  I spoke up and said I had to stop talking to her, it was sucking away my cultural I.Q. level.  what did I mean? they asked. So I told them a few choice stories about her. Eventually, as these things do, it all got back to her. I answer the phone a few days later, and it's Skank, wanting to know why would I say things like that? Shitting in the back yard? Calling up male escort services to prank them? Having strangers over while the Mr. is out of town and having it escalate into a near-orgy? "But" I say innocently, "to be fair, you DID do all that." "Yeah" she whined. "But I never blew a dog. I mean, c'mon, I never ever blew a dog!" "Just a matter of time" I said, and hung up.  I heard she moved back to Okie after all.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         oh, i think its definitely Foul Mouth and Big Shoes, although im sure the old ladies on the plane home would have voted for foul shoes, but who cares what they think, theyre almost dead.        
  A Christmas past my brother gave me a card he had made out of red and green  construction paper. Scrawled within in black magic marker:   Times are tough.        Life is hard.        Here's your fucking         Christmas Card.     
  "Yes Bitch, you do look fat."  That's all I heard from the my side of the wall. I suppose it makes some people cum.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My sophmore year, I worked in a butcher shop. The owners were three very dirty old men. They had porn in the shop on the top shelf. It only took me 45 minutes to clean the place, but I got paid for an hour and a half, the other time I spent jerking off in the bathroom to nudist porn from the 60's.  These guys also had me take chicks back into the freezer to see the cuts of meat. I never got why they all lined up outside the door to the freezer, until one day I happened to see a very attractive lady walk out of the freezer with very erect nipples....  I was young and innocent.  
  I gave in and drove around the local area, trying to "give it a chance", as my mom said I should. I was just relaxing and deciding maybe if I could just forget about the locals, I could tolerate this place, it wasn't so bad... and then I drove past a typically ramshackle home, with a cow sitting on the front porch the way a dog would.  Please, someone get me the hell out of here.  
  When I masturbate, I don't like any distractions.  For example, I know guys who use tissues to shoot their load in.  That means that at the exact second of ejaculation, the most enjoyable part, they have to start worrying about clean up, thereby not really lavishing in the moment.  I  know some guys who jack off into socks.  That just makes me feel weird.  Wouldn't you chafe?  Basically, I want to enjoy that moment without any interruption.  That is why I masturbate standing up with a towel on the floor.  You should try it sometime.  I personally like the way my knees buckle at the climactic end.  It's a gas.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          the smell of burning flesh was unmistakable he looked both ways furtively sheepishly then quickly stuck his scorched tongue on the the near red hot glass of the camping lantern a second sizzling time  not before i caught him liking it      
  I made my fiancee (the model) follow me around the new Wal-Mart until I found the decorative cake icing.  (In the back by the fabric.) She laughed all the way.  I made her pick a color.  She picked red (I would have guessed green.).  She laughed.  We got home, and I opened that bad boy up. I winked at her, corked my head back, and squeezed a quarter of the tube into my mouth.  She laughed.  I convinced her to try some.  She stopped lauging.  I think we are going back to Wal-Mart tonight.        
  NEVER piss off a waiter:  Guy at the next table is being a loudmouthed jerk, bitching, insulting the waiter...  When I'm leaving, I notice his waiter in a huddle with the chef.  As I pass them, the waiter nudges the chef, whispers: "He ate it!"  
  I received a free Trojan extra large condom in the mail today.  My only fear is that the expiration date will arrive before I find a man who requires such a condom.  
  Shortly after getting engaged, I went to visit my future Mother-In-Law.  My fiancee and I stayed for a couple of days.  The first night we all played cards together and had some drinks.  I had way too much and ended up spending a good part of the night vomiting in the bathroom and falling asleep with my head resting on the bathtub ledge.  My fiancee had to come get me out of there at about 3am so her Mother wouldn't trip over me in case she got up to go during the night.  
  he said lying doesnt negate the fact that i have had a fucked up life i agreed        
  anyone ever masturbated with an orange?? well.....it burns the hell out of ur balls.    
  We were being driven home from a party by this guy's mom (high school - too young to drive) and when we come to a stoplight, my friend opens the door and spits... Later I asked him, what's up with that? He says -- "I had to puke... you think I was gonna let loose in the back of their mercedes?".  I wonder how long he held it in his mouth...  
  you could be writing articles. You could be proofing copy. You could be doing something productive towards the greater good of the student publication.  But instead, you skip class twice during the day to buy Don Pablo's burritos and Arby's Market Fresh Sandwiches. And smoke. And drink.  You will never be this alive again.  
  The idiot dog in the house behind mine just will NOT shut up. He's been whining and howling all day, because he can't get it through his thick skull no one is home to let him in.  I took a giant size bag of Heath Bars left over from last Halloween, peel them down, and spend some quality time throwing them over the fence. The toffee makes his teeth stick together, and he makes a funny "mmmph mmmph" sound. I also know chocolate gives dogs the shits, so this should be a gift for his owners.  One of the bars flies high and lands on the roof. Later I look out back and see a veritable flock of birds, shitting everywhere, on the roof fighting over it. Bonus!  
  i was driving with my friend one day and we saw some guy in a convertible with a mullet that went half way down his back, as we drove by we both laughed and stared. in our staring we discovered that it was a woman with a mullet. we laughed even harder. i tell that story to everyone i know...  that reminds me, i was watching jeopardy, and the clue was: a hairstyle made popular in the 80's, also a fish. as i screamed at the tv "what is a mullet" the contestants just stared blankly. idiots.  
  It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.  Yeah right...  It would take forever to get to England in a rowboat.  
  Do you think it would hurt my chances of getting tenure if the administration found out that there is a case of Budweiser in the little fridge in my office? I keep it there for when I have to grade.  
   "How was your Christmas?" I ask this girl over the phone. I want so badly &#151; so badly &#151; to get into her pants.    "It sucked," she says. "My dog died."    Christ.    "Well," says I, recovering speedily like, "my friend is flying into town Friday. You should come drinking with us. I guarantee it'll be a blast."    "What's your friend's name?" she asks.    "Harleigh," I say.    "That was my dog's name," she says.    Oh, yeah.    Christ.   
  i've been lowbrowing for about 2 hours, the last half hour i've been playing with my nipples. not that lowbrow moments get me off, i'm just really fucking horny. i desperately want to take a shower and fuck myself silly, but it's 5:29am. if i leave now he'll probably come. now that i'm staying, i know he won't show up. but hey, that's the beauty of an obsession with a "chat buddy".  
  my girlfriend and i went with her parents to their lakeside cottage for the weekend. they all went shopping and i offered to stay behind and mow the lawn.(good boy!) after i finished the job my girlfriend called  to say that they got delayed and would be home in an hour.   great opportunity to wack off i thought. i really needed to releave the sexual tension in that prudish, conservative house. (they made me sleep alone on the fold out couch) i had a porn tape in my bag (i don't always travel with porn it was just fate) i watched the tape, and began to take care of business. then without warning, the power went out. I checked the fuse box and there was no problem there. then the neighbor came over to ask if the power was out. it turned out to be a county wide  brownout. and my tape was still in the vcr with no way to eject it.  the power came on 2 minutes before they got home.  i threw the tape in the lake.   
  i just walked outside.  as i walked past an open door, i hear a clanging.  what the hell is that?  it's my belt.  it's unbuckled.  so i stop, and stare at it, in embarrasment.  the girl in the room i just stopped outside is staring, too.  so i give her a grin, grab the belt, whip it out of there in one smooth motion, and launch it off the third floor balconey.  i raised my hands in triumph and poised my face to the sun.  my pants fell down.  i shit you not.  
  A low-key evening of food, wine, music and conversation. My boyfriend's ex-boyfriend was there with his new boyfriend.  After everyone left I told my bf that I thought that the new boyfriend seemed like a nice guy.  He snickered and said that when I was out buying food, the new bf said he knew me "in more than a casual way" a year or so ago.   So what's worse? Me being an asshole for not recognizing a guy I messed around with once for about 20 minutes (and I was supposedly his first time); or a slut because I evidently don't remember everyone I've slept with over the years.  
  So I ate a buffalo chicken sandwich today. Later on, while going to the bathroom, it burned so much I swear I almost cried.  It was at the same time impressive and depressing.  
  Occasion: Eugene's 30th birthday party, attended not by myself, but by some of my associates. Also present, Midlfe and Neil among others.   Location: The Red Gables Tavern.   The moment: After the consumption of many beers a few games of pool are in order. The boys play for a while, drinking all the while. Eugene has control of a game and has only the vblack to go. An easy shot, straight to the corner pocket. Being intoxicated Midlife decides to put him off as he lines up the balls. Thus he turns around, drops his trou and plants his spreading hairy ass cheeks on the corner of the table. Eugene, not perterbed in the slightest changes the grip on the cue to a stabbing one to teach Midlife a small lesson about turning your naked ass on a man holding a stick.  The first that Neil heard of this was when a concerned Eugene slided up to him at the bar asking if he was sober enough to drive. He was and was asked to take Midlife to the hospital. Puzzeld he was about to ask why when he spies midlife walking across the floor clutching his ass, walking like a saddle sore cowboy.  "There's blood coming out of my ass!" he provides by way of explanation. Truns out that Euge hit him squarely in the asshole with the cue and lost a good 6 inches inside him, rupturing something in the process.  They shoot down to emergency and when asked the nature of his condition he replied with "You're not going to belive this one."  He was unlucky though. Ruptured 3 inches of rectum and split his sphincter muscle in half. As of this moment it hasn't healed and the result may be that he is fitted with a colostomy bag for the rest of his days.  Naturally Neil went back to the bar and they kept going. They had to abandon the cue though after one of them complained that the end now smelled like shit.  Midlife might get in a medical journal or something. The docators had never seen a sphincter so perfectly cleaved....  
  sitting on my flatmate's bed, having a  nice girly heart to heart about  anything and everything, i put my  hand in the wet patch.  
  When walking around town, I see guys that I find somehow....intriguing.  Sometimes it's they way they walk, a look in the eyes, the angle of the cheekbones, a personal style.  And I wonder about them.  Who they are.  What their story is.  What their dreams are.  And most importantly, what they look like choking on a cock.  
  "ha ha. that's funny. you make me  laugh (I'm trying to use a lot of words) llama llama  llama!!" I said. "llamaism ish!!" she said "chocolate cupcake!" I said "mallow" was her reply "smallow! ishmallows!" "the ish mallows are coming on a bear  hunt!" she said.  This was getting weird. "to eat goey bears and have  them burn in Hell!!!!!" I said "burn burn burn!!!!!! ha ha ha. gonna have a bonfire bon bon  bon" she said "heh heh heh! and roast  shmellos shmellos shmellos!" that was me "shmello!! fire on fox two!" she said "and bear!" me "and bear fox chicken!! *pow*" her again "*smash!!*" my last comment on that matter "*feathers fly in the air and i stand there grinning*" She concluded. To this day, I stull have no idea what we were talking about.           
  The worst kind of shit you'll ever take is one of those horribly thick, two-flush corn logs. Those ultra-painful bits of butt timber that take the extra grunting to get rid of. The ones that make a nice toilet tidal wave.  They're like the Hitler of shits. They're short, fat, ugly, almost white (corn), and evil. They're always pipe clogger #1's. Those are the ones you whistle for on the way down - you know, like when a bomb drops.  Do us all a favor. Next time you have one of those, give a warning so we can call the plumber ahead of time.  If you hear someone yell "Tiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmberrrrrrrrr!!!" from the shitter, you know what to do.  
  Why is the act of copulation with someone referenced as "sleeping" with someone. I see and hear this all the time, even here. The word, "sleeping" is a real misnomer.  
  The first date I ever went on, the guy was trying to be cool and ran a red light.  He hit another car, the whole thing turned into a nightmare.  You'd think that would be the last date.  Nope.  The next date I lost my virginity to him.  Things pretty much went downhill from there...but of course, I guess they would have to.   
  My then bf came home after a long shift in the ER, in what could only be described as a mild state of shock. Trying to play the sympathetic girlfriend, I asked him how his day was, figuring that he'd want to debrief or something. He shivered and said he wanted to have a shower then maybe he'd talk about it. 20 minutes later he emerged, looking slightly more cheerful - by this stage I was vaguely concerned about what happened, thinking perhaps he had killed someone or at least had a hand in it. I gently broached the subject again and he started telling me about his day. Turns out this young woman came into the ER with a foul vaginal odour. She said it had had started at least a week previously and she didn't know what was wrong, she was terrified it was a STD of some kind. My bf, being the kind sensitive soul he was, groaned out loud at the prospect of a PV exam but knew he had to do it. So on come the gloves and he starts....first thing he notices, there is SOMETHING shoved right at the top, near her cervix. Thinking it was a forgotten tampoon, and truly amazed she didn't have toxic shock, he set about trying to get it out. After much digging imagine his surprise when he didn't pull out a tampon... infact it was a Surfer Smurf plastic figurine. "Oh" she said. "That's where that got to". I still don't what was more lowbrow, the fact this girl thought sex toys involved actual real toys or the fact that a week after my bf related the story, I hunted high and low to find him a Surfer Smurf figure to stick on the dashboard of his car just because I wanted to see him turn green.  
  Movie Bathroom!   I went to a movie with my gf (ex) and a friend of mine.  It was a late show and I drank one of those 4,572 oz cups of soda that the theatre sells.  I had to go bad, so I told them I was going to run out of the movies.  I could have swore that the door said Mens.  I open the door and look for an available space.  I wonder where all of the stalls went, I didn't care I had to go so bad.  I run to the far back toilet and begin to go with the door open.  I hear women giggling in the background.  I think, dam, some dude snuck his gf in here, that's awesome.  I finish and walk out seeing all of these chicks looking at me.  I walk towards the door and look at the sink and the door back and forth.  I decide not to wash.  I open the door and this chick is coming in, but she is looking back saying something to someone then turns around.  She looks up at me and I say, "Are you coming in or are you going out?"   Ticket Stubs Please-I was so embarrassed and laughing internally so hard  
  you can continue to hold on to your antiquated and unsubstantiated ideas about it and take a beating everyday trying to force the world to spin around the other way said he to me or you can just change your mind you are allowed you know i know my heads gotten flat on one side from banging my head against it but i would feel like such a ho if i gave up the fuck you dance now maestro  something with a speedy tempo this time elipses         
  I was drinking seven and sevens.  It was the first time I ever drank and the first time I ever puked.  I don't remember them changing my clothes, but when I woke up I was wearing someone elses underwear.  Whitie-tighties, just my size.  I do remember me calling someone "my bitch" many, many times, however.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know when your wiping and the TP slips out from your hand and you end up wiping with your hand. I hate it when that happens.  
  I went to a club for latin dance, I was the only white guy in the joint. I danced better than this hispanic gentleman, even took several of their women for a spin. It was fun, but the only damn word I understood all night was "gringo".        
  Lunch at school.  I know school bathrooms are bad.  I always assumed boy's bathrooms were worse.  However,  I've never seen a stall with blood on the walls, toiletseat, floor, in the bowl, and a used maxi-pad strategically propped up to simulate some sort of weird pagan alter in a boy's bathroom.    
  "a full-body condom: what you use when you're *way* going at it with somebody who's definately got hepatitis."    --gavin   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work at a restaurant as a host and got bored one day.  One Sunday morning I get the brilliant idea to superglue a quarter a dime and a penny to the concrete just outside the entrance.   You wouldn't believe the lengths people will go to for 36 cents.  You also wouldn't believe how many people lack a sense of humor...  Needless to say, I don't work there anymore.     
  Then he yelled " Hey, kid ! want some porno!?!?" as he flung the magazine out the window of the moving car, at the poor kid on the bike.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was six, my father made the comment that the cylindrical inflated decorations they were using at the olympics that year looked like French Ticklers.    Somehow, even then I understood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting on my bike, waiting to cross the busiest street in Bumfuck, Indiana..  A shitty ford taurus creeps up behind me, then beside me.. I'm trying to ignore them because I know what will happen if I look..  and some shitty old man tweaks my ass from the passenger seat, while the teenager driving laughs his ass off.  2 hours and 20 minutes later, I realize that that man had been my teacher.   I wonder if he's as mortified as I am..  
  I work at a movie theater part time to pay for my music habit.  I ate buttered popcorn last night.  This morning, when I took a shit, little droplets of an unknown oil were floating on the surface.  oybean buttery substitute...better than Ex-Lax.  
  I'd been on a alcoholic bender for about a day and a half, with only two hours sleep. Sitting in a pub with individuals of the same calibre in various different states of the same inebriation. For some unknown reason got urge to barf. Puked small circle of puke on pub table. Picked up ashtray and covered puke completely with it.  Friends said it was the greatest engineering feat they'd ever seen  
  My girlfriend loves doing it doggstyle.  Is it wrong of me to want to pull out and nut all over her back?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i spilled a year's worth of very dirty bong water on my boyfriend's roommate's bed.  the entire bong tipped over, spilling most of the contents of the chamber.  i never told, and he never noticed.    
  We have a road.  We use it for burn cruises.  We call it the "LowBrow Road" because all we do there is smoke reefer and about Lowbrow moments.  To many moments have happened as a result of parking on that road.   
  Know what gripes me?   Sex. More accurately, what women scream during sex. "Deeper! Deeper!". Like I have a piece of dick that I'm holding out on her. Yeah - sure, deeper. Just let me go slap another leaf in it... it's not a damned table!    ...anyhow. Yeah. That gripes me.   ----------------------------------  I officially deny saying this, like that rapper who denied saying that Jews were evil monopolists.  I was such a fool. When you're 15, your cock hasn't filled out. When you're 17, you look back at 6 inches in scorn. Mwah! Ladies, you can reach me at the below e-mail address... :/   And one more problem... I haven't had the problem of "deeper, deeper." Hell, I wish I had.  Time to go find that Jenna Jameson tape again, feeling alone and sad that only a genetically defected girl and a 98 pound cheerleader 2 years younger than me like me.  My life is hell.  
  Vivaldi's music is brilliant. Garmarna rocks, and Steely Dan are so great that I'm spoiled rotten after buying only three of their albums. But it's Eminem's bleached-blond, trashy, "five-dollar male prostitute who's just swallowed a handful of Quaaludes, and I can slap him around if I want" look that gets me. It took me an hour and a half to admit that.   I'm so embarrassed and the worst part is, I think I'm the only person who cares about it.   
  OK Ok ok.  So it may very well be hip and trendy to make fun of people whose socieconomic class is lower than your own.  It may be all very fine, well, and good to label them redneck, and hick.  But the fact of the matter is, you probably smoke cigarettes too.  At least they know how to grow their own.        
  I once made my friend promise me that he wouldn't get mad if I clogged his toilet.  He said that he wouldn't, but when we went into his bathroom with a plunger he was outraged.  He must've really loved those kittens.  
  Last night I participated in the TP-ing and lipsticking of my friend's car on prom night.  So, when he and his date came out-they were confronted with a car festooned with a whole roll of paper and lipstick comments written on all the windows.  They were mad as hell.  I feel so bad that I had to tell someone.  I've never really felt guilt before-but I am seriously feeling it now.  I'm sure they will look back at this in 10 years and they will think its funny as hell, right?        
  In my 8th grade science class, we did nothing the whole year. There were these four girls that always sat together and three of them were my good friends. One of them was a spoiled bitch. When they were together it would unleash the 2nd grader within them. One day they were throwing things at my table, clay and shit. When one piece his me in the face, I take it as the last straw. I see Maddy putting tissues in her mouth and then taking them out. So, I tell a friend at my table to grab a tissue. She does and hands it to me. Being a lady, I halk up a lougie that practically drenches the tissue. My friend then slyly sneaks the drenched tissue back on the girl's table. The look on Maddy's face when I tell her that she just put a tissue full of snot in her mouth still makes me smile.  
  When I was little I wanted my name to be "Jake" so bad. I got lost in the store once and went to the employees for help. They asked my name, I said it was Jake. Over the intercom they said "will the parents of Jake please come to the front desk?"   It took them a while to find me.  
  So they're standing outside, and they see a firefly land on a milkcrate.  Nearby there is another firely doing its little glowing flickering "fuck me" dance.  "Mate! Mate!" he says.  "But what if they're both boys?" she asks.  "Fuck 'im up the ass!" he replies.  ...to which she queried: "I wonder if there are gay bugs?  I mean there are gay dogs and so forth..."  "Hmm, I wonder if there are gay amoebas too."   
  Thinking im better than everyone else and I'm too smart to end up like them. Churning out countless laps in the pool, eating right, keeping healthy. Feeling short of breath as I smoke my cigs down to the filter, wipe the ashes off my chest because im on the fucking floor and drunk and taking a hits from my asthma inhalers.  
  Friday afternoon and we were walking around the Wal-Mart. We pause to take a rest in one of the bench swings on display and Julia wrinkles her nose.  "Dude, what's that smell?"  Without batting an eyelash, Melanie fires back, "America."  And it was.  
  People are beginning to get me confused with LaDeeWannaBe@aol.com.  She makes me look boring.  If you wanna be like me, you have to tone it down a little. Hmmmm...see, maybe ya don't wanna be me.  At least she gets paid for the fucking she does.  
  A few years back I was on a good ol bender with the guys.  As drunk as we could get.  I was staying at my girlfriends house that night.  She still lived with her parents. I was sleeping in the spare room.  At one point during my drunken stupor sleep, I had to piss.  In my state, I couldn't find the way out of the room.  I find a garbage can and decide it to be a suitable urinal. Shortly there after, my girlfriend walks into the room with me mid piss with my pecker in my hands. She says she came to inspect all the banging that was going on.  I guess I was walking into the bedroom walls. What do you say to that?   At-least it wasn't her parents.  
  i spilled a year's worth of very dirty bong water on my boyfriend's roommate's bed.  the entire bong tipped over, spilling most of the contents of the chamber.  i never told, and he never noticed.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was done with my dinner... and too lazy to wrap it up so I put it on the floor and let my dog eat it... and when she was done she just looked at me, as if to say "more?" so I popped a zit on my shoulder and fed her the contents.  
  For my 18th birthday, one of my closest friends threw me a party at her apartment. It was a small gathering of about 20 people. Lots of people I barely new, including her recently acquired boyfriend.   Within the first four hours of my party I was properly trashed. The last moment I remember was falling down laughing at 1am.   I woke up at 7am, laying in her brother's bed. Still drunk, someone informed me, that her boyfriend and I had made out publicly.  I thought that that was incredibly funny. I finally sat down with her boyfriend and her, and discussed what happened.  We both claimed we didn't remember. I was definately telling the truth, but I don't know if he was. We also both claimed we were not attracted to each other. I also made the point of saying I was infatuated with my current boyfriend. [Who was studying, instead of attending my birthday party.]  She finally calmed down and went upstairs to go to bed. I stayed downstairs to talk to her boyfriend and get some liquids in me.   During our still drunken/sleepy haze, we began making out. He ended up eating me out, until I came on her couch.  All while she was sleeping upstairs.  At least I remembered something from my party.  
  So the other day i was smoking a joint in the shed behind my house, when I hear my mom's car pull up in the driveway.  I got so freaked out that i just threw the joint and high tailed it to my room.  ten minutes later, my mom comes into my room yelling that i need to call 911, because the shed is on fire.  Moral: Put out your joints, kids.  
  The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments  Sitting on the veranda chatting with Henry, his little brother, and my little brother. Henry stands up and the towel falls off of his lap, revealing that he is wearing a black pleather thong. He dances off into the distance.  The following night I'm lying in bed watching From Hell, and there's a knock at the glass sliding door. It's Henry. In the thong.   Later, chillin on the beach around 4:30-ish after a night of clubbing, and Henry strides out from behind the palm trees clad in, you guessed it, the thong.  We bought it for him as a joke, he turned it into a lifestyle.   Now we call him Party Boy.  
  Isn't this ironic...don't you think.  Our roomate thinks it is disgusting to wear dirty underwear but if she would just do laundry at least once a month she would have clean ones...however since she doesn't she is forced to go without-which means she wears jeans without underwear......so which is more disgusting --wearing the same jeans over and over day after day with no underwear...or wearing dirty underwear?  
  I once read a Porn story that described a womans asshole as a RoseBud. (still I chuckle at that.)  I have this one friend who is always pursing his lips so it looks like a little asshole. I call him Rosebud.  Now everyone calls him Rosebud, this has been going on for about five years, and he still doesn't know that we call him rosebud.  The funny thing is, right down the street from where he lives, there is a small restaurant called The Rosebud Cafe'.  How Lowbrow is that?  
  "Hi, Tom, I am sorry I did not call you earlier. I am sorry for the loud music in the background. Anyway, I was telling my friend that I need to call you before midnight and one of the strippers hands me her cell phone. So, Happy Birthday, Bro."  
  True story.    I was sitting around the breakfast table reminiscing about growing up together with my childhood friend, her sister and her mother-I've known them all since I was 3 years old and they are family.  They are all very good, white-bred, P.C. kinda people.  Everyone's giggling and having a good time in a PC sort of way after a good story my friend told about an embarassing sexual situation where her roommate had walked in on her and her boyfriend mid-orgasm.  Suddenly her mother looks straight at me and breaks out with "Well, YOU should be laughing, what with your S&M closet!"  I was dumb-struck, my mind raced.  My boyfriend and I had been getting pretty heavy into the scene and we'd been keeping the all the toys-whips, belts, gags, ropes, leather, etc in the back of the closet at my apartment...how had her mother, she was practically my own mother, found out?!?  My friend had only casually asked ONCE about the scene and I thought I had successfully evaded the question, not yet ready to tell her the full details.  I hadn't told ANYONE about it, how did her mother know?  Had she told MY mother?   I was frantically pondering these things when I suddenly became aware of heat and a ringing in my ears.  I realized that in those moments, my pale complexion had turned beet red, my mouth was hanging open in disbelief and they, wide-eyed, had started laughing hysterically.  Apparently, they DIDN'T know, it was her mother's attempt at an off-color joke and my own panicky expression had given me away.  Guess the secret's out now...  
  It was morning. I had class to go to and she wouldn't get out of bed. "Hey, get out of my bed, we both have classes to go to."  "Not me," she replied.  "Yes you do, you have your keyboard class."  "I decided to drop it."  "When."  "Just now. Just shut your door on the way out." "Fuck that, I said, "Get out of my bed, change out of my clothes, and there's a bottle of scope on my desk, I suggest you use it." We both love eachother, really we do.  
  I don't know how much gas the human body can gernerate, but I once farted almost continuously for two days.   frrrrt! 10 seconds later..... frrrrrrt!  Noxious, foghorn sounding farts.  My wife woke me up while I was taking a nap because she could smell it coming out from under the door and was worried I had asphyxiated myself.  A visitor said we should check to see if the pilot on the furnace had gone out because of the smell.  I wish I could remember what I had eaten.  
  in the laundromat everyone was watching jenny jones. no one liked the twins in miniskirts. they cheered on the attackers as i folded pair after pair of faded panties.        
  wait wait wait  now slip crash a large rapid string of expletives and voluminous guffaws  people in business shoes shouldnt play pranks on icy sidewalks unless they like being laughed at i mean  
  She was 1 foot from my bumper while I was driving down a 30mph one way street.  So, I tap my breaks...nothing happens. I hit my breaks...nothing happens.  I then decided it would be a good time to start driving 10mph for the last mile.  Ride my ass and you might as well get out and walk.  
  Ok. Maybe she isnt dead. But she'll have one hell'va headache if she isnt.        
  does it hurt the men of lowbrow  when they read the stereotype-reinforcing idiotic moments of other men  as much as it hurts me to read the same from women?    
  Some of these brows are a little sacreligious.  I wish my sac had its own religion.  Sac-religion: worship my sac.  
  Think about all of the windows you have driven or walked past in your life.  Think of how many psychos there are in the world with guns.  Do a little math.  How many times do you think there have been cross hairs on you?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Needless to say I was drunk at a party last semester.    I tied my bra to the ceiling fan while it was still moving slowly.   I gave a guy a blowjob in front of everyone while another guy was eating me out.   I tried to pull down another guys shorts and ended up falling flat on my chin (which still has a bump today).    I made everyone laugh histarically when they saw me do that.    I made friends that I will always have a bond with because of that stupid night.    All of this because I wanted a few little drinks.    
  One day as I was walking in the Village, a lady stopped me.  SHE : Where's the Starbucks on Astor?  I'm supposed to meet a friend there.  ME : Go half a block that way.  Turn right.  It's right there.  I neglected to mention that fact that on the two blocks of Astor there were actually three Starbucks.  
   We meet at the bar after voting in the recent election.  He said "I voted for her for governor because she looks like a topless dancer."  
  she lay on my bed with her legs spread and told me she loved me  the next night in the same position, in the same room she told my ex-boyfriend the same thing   wash, rinse, repeat      
  I was dating a woman for two months and just starting to feel optimistic about our prospects.  Life was good...until we went to the mall for a little romantic shopping -- and she asked me to stop off and pick up her *boyfriend*.  I was so stunned it took me an hour or so to figure out what happened.  They sat in the back seat and made out while I drove them to the mall.  I dropped them off and left them there, never to see either one of them again.  
  I was sitting outside at night. I felt a strong, yet highly satisfying fart coming on.  It was going to be a duzy.  I instictually knew it was going to be loud and long.  But it had been building up for a while, so I was glad. As I sat waiting for the moment of salvation, a guy comes around the corner.  He is getting closer...but so is this huge fart.  Closer...closer...my cheeks are clenched, my face is red.  He is right in front of me now.   He continues walking!  I relax... He's gone.  And so is my need to fart. I hate it when farts go back in.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The in-laws stopped over for a visit. After a while, the mother-in-law excuses herself to use the bathroom. Just as she's closing the door to the bathroom, I remembered that I had left a porno picture taped to the shower wall. Oh shit.  You would have to be blind not to see it.  I sweat it out waiting for her to return to the living room.  When she does return, the first thing she says is "Come on Bill, it's time we went home."  I know she saw it but I'm glad she's leaving.  
  As people pass by my desk at work, they surreptitiously stare at me, from the corners of their eyes.  I wonder: is it the sounds coming out of my headphones?  Or the fact that I am wearing sunglasses?        
  i bet him 10 dollars my brow was lower than his but we haven't found a way to resolve the bet yet.  
  My friends and I had this great idea to get cheeched up at Stevens Pass while snowboarding.  We all got scared shitless, we were all certain that we were goona get lost and die or get eaten by a yeti.  We spent the rest of the day in the lodge wandering around.  Weed and snowboarding don't mix.  
  What really scares me is how many of these moments take place in San Francisco, Berkley, Bay-Area-ish.   Close to where I live, is what I'm getting at here.  Unless they were all written by the same person.   In that case,   Whew.  
  i went riding today with headphones.  on the ride up the chairlift i looked over at this girl, moving her lips at me.  she looked like one of those fifteen year olds that you check out, have an indecent thought, and then feel guilty.  i fumbled my headphones off.  she was asking if snowboards are hard to turn... with this super-thick, super-sexy accent. "no, it's easier than skiing.  where are you from?" "oh, i have accent?  russia... moscow." the small talk went on... she's all smiley and cute... i had to ask... "so, ah... how old are you?" "guess..." "ummm... seventeen?"  i thought i was being generous. "no..." she says... giggling... "twenty..." i have found my russian bride and am currently persuing her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was playing poker tonight, and one of the players brought along his remote control fart machine--set it like a trap, back off a discrete distance, and humiliate the unwary.  Remote contol fart machines--is that progress or what?  And...if the remote has the range, think of the fun you could have with elevators!  
  you know how people ride horses, right? i have always wanted to do the same, except instead of a horse a giant penguin. before you say i am crazy, just think about how cool it would be, riding a penguin through the streets of NYC during a blizzard. and then the bastard decides he wants to slide. come on, how could that not be awesome?  
  The other day I was at work taking a nice long dump. You know the kind where you bring in a good book, the paper, or maybe your PDA chock-full of games? Well anyways, while I was enjoying my nice little vacation from corporate america, someone knocked on the door.  The upstairs executive bathrooms only have one toilet (I like sneaking up there to poop). The reason I mention this is because if the door is closed and the light is on it is occupied.  So there I was, jolted by the sudden intrusion and feeling more than a little jipped by this inconciderate suit, I start to think of what to reply.   The regular "Someone's In Here"?   The spicy "El Occupido"?  Hmmm...  At that moment I let out the best Chewbacca impression ever.  I waited until I heard the footsteps completely dissapear before I busted out laughing and made my escape.  
  I had helped a freshman girl with her computer at school, once, and later I saw her in the student union.  "Hey, it's the computer-guy!" she said.  "I *do* have a name," I replied, and I told her.  Then, in some amazing stroke of brilliance, I said, as she was leaving, "I mean, yeah, I guess I could just call you...  'bitch' or something."  My brain ditched me; "You fucking moron...  I'm outta here.."  My friend had to leave, he was laughing so hard.  I avoided that girl for the rest of the year...  
  I just found someone's perscription in the parking lot by my car.  It was for acne.  That's not funny.  The funny thing is that on its package was written "Discreet Packaging(tm)"  What?  The brand name is in 3 inch high letters across the front of the box!  I would love to order sex toys from these guys:  8 INCH ANAL STIMULATOR  OVER 3 INCHES THICK!  TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!  Discreet packaging (tm)  Oh, I threw the perscription in the garbage bin.    
  It might have cost me over $30, but I spend yesterday afternoon at the local internet cafe, submitting my ex's primary email to every spam/porn/list site I could find. His work email, too. Once in a while I found a good porn one, though, and kept it to myself. Fuck him, let him get his own good porn.  
  Ok, so what the hell..  I woke up this morning to find a notice on my door telling me that I have a 50 dollar fine for having left two garbage bags on my front porch.  What the hell is this about?  No warning?    That's ok, those bastards put the wrong apartment number on the sheet of paper.  We'll see who has the last laugh.  
  So, I head out this afternoon, wading through the smattering of people just coming back from the funeral (I'm not crashing this party, I just want to go home).  And I get out to the parking garage, only to find I've locked my keys in the car.  So, I call a friend to bring me a spare key, and twenty-five minutes later, when I get in, I find that I left the lights on, and now the battery's dead.  So, now I have to call my friend back, to come here again, this time with jumper cables.     I feel like an idiot.     And it's Friday.        
  "Whaddya wanna do?"  --"How about a Dirty Sanchez, followed by a Cleveland Steamer, and finish up with a Bismarck?"   I'm no better than you but I'm sure curious what they involve.....     
  You can't polish a turd, but if you could I bet you could sell it on EBay.  
  My friend was just talking to me about those prosthetic vampire fangs.  "Do you think the goth kids that wear those would dig around in their own poop if they accidentally swallowed one?"  I hit the fucking floor laughing.  
  So at the company Christmas party... I'll bet your imaginations already came up with something far worse than I could tell you. Perverts.  
  I was at QuickTrip today and saw one of those little cans of caffeine/sugar/guarana 'stay-awake' drinks that was actually called 'Donkey-Kick'  Now that kicked of a series of musings two of which were:  1. Do you suppose the marketing department was really proud of their original product name concept 'Donkey-Punch'...until the college intern broke out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter?  2. Are they planning a chocolate drink called 'Dirty Sanchez'?  
  Does anybody else remember 'Pogs?' Those really lame little paper disks that kids used to throw against stacks of Pogs? They were a Lowbrow moment in themselves.   
  eighth grade, 1988  Me and Mort were channeling surfing at 2 in the morning, overtired and giddy. We stop on an ancient clip of film, a doctoral-looking fellow in a lab coat & glasses, talking about the male anatomy.  Pointing to the gonads of the plastic male torso at his side, he says, "And in old age they can shrivel to the size of a prune."  
  I opened lowbrow and saw the banner of little duckies. I closed it. I opened lowbrow again and saw that little man, or whatever it is. I closed it again. I opened it. Ah, finally the sunglasses.  
  So she turns around and says to me, "I got home from vacation, and it was like, y'know, how am I supposed to fit that in my mouth?! I mean, guys are supposed to keep on growing later, but not that part, right?"  The whole class was silent by then.         
   Every Ice-Cloud Has A Silver Lining  So it's -15&deg;F outside. What do I care? 'Cept I'm in an an uninsulated motorhome. I have tons of heat, but it doesn't distribute very well. My head is hot, but there is ice on the floor. I have to stick my feet up on the couch so that they don't freeze. Suits me just fine. I no longer have to walk to the fridge to get a cold beer - I just leave the case on the floor, next to my seat...   
  I have cable modem. I can't think of anyone I want to keep in touch with via email. I don't care if my phone line is tied up because I don't want to talk to anyone. I've stopped reading the news online, both real and weird, because invariably there's some story that pisses me off to no end or use. Most websites I've found are complete useless crap. I don't play fucking Everquest.  It's boiled down to the only reason I keep the cable is so lowbrow will load faster.  This is not really explainable to my accountant when he asks why I pay extra on my cable bill.  Fuck him.  
  My husband decided to watch some HBO "documentary" about a whorehouse. Suddenly I heard him exclaiming "Oh my god, look at the SIZE of that thing!" Thinking I might be missing something, I ran in to see what he was surprised by... it was the size of a customer's mullet. And yes, it was fucking huge.   
  i was showering and suddenly i had to take an explosive shit.  i popped out of the shower and erupted into the commode, then got back in the shower and didn't think about it.  i'm dressing when my (female) friend screams and runs out of the bathroom, wiping herself down with tp and furious at me because she thought i had pissed all over the toilet seat.  what a funny thing to get in an argument over.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't remeber why but he was yelling at me at the top of his lungs in my driveway-like always.  Right about then my fabulous next door neighbor walked out with a beer and a sawed off shot gun. "I think you should quit yelling, get back in your souped up car, and take your cherry ass back to your momma's house" he said taking a sip of beer.  He peeled out of my driveway and my neighbor laughed.  "Thatwas kinda funny playing a redneck and all."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She said,"I derive joy from giving people food."  I replied,"And I derive pleasure from denying other people joy."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         4th of july 2002... I set out to get plastered.. that's my whole point for the night.  So i start downing jack and cokes...  then I start downing whatever anyone will hand me...  well by 2 AM i am beyond shitfaced and start puking.. at least they got me into the bathroom first... well everytime I even get teh dry heaves I take half a roll of toilet paper and proceed to scrub the bathroom floor telling anyone that will listen to me "at least I'm a clean drunk".....  
  I try to avoid going to Barnes and Nobles at all cost, it's a booby trap and a store obviously developed by an individual with a sick sense of humor. Everytime you go in the place you have to shit...I'm talking EVERYTIME, man! I am convinced that there is subliminal "you have to poop" messaging intertwined with that soothing classical music they have flowing throughout the store. And the worst part is that they have the best bathrooms and the every single book and magazine your heart desires, however, they have those damn detectors just outside the bathroom doors so you can't take any books into the bathroom. I wouldn't be suprised if the guy who owns Barnes and Nobles doesn't put a White Castle inside Barnes and Nobles someday just for shits and giggles. What a sicko.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Next time you're in Sam's Club, get on the computers on display.  If you're savy enough, change the password options to require a password upon booting up, and a password to unlock the screen saver. Choose goobledygook for a password.  Change the screen saver to 3D text or Marque. Have the text say stuff like:   Consumerism sucks   Buy more, think less   Boycot Microsoft, use UNIX   You are all going to die  And so on...  How many Sam's Club patrons do you think are capable of password recovery?  
  one of my old enlish teachers used to berate my procrastination skills.  "ben, you've dug yourself a nice deep hole.  and now you've fallen in!"  it woudn't have been so bad if she hadn't pushed me.        
  Rectum? Hell, I never even saw 'em.        
   *a day in the life of a CSR at a certain video store ...  an elderly couple comes into the store one morning .. you know, the typical 75 yr old cute old guy holding his cute little wife's hand ..  well anyway, they come into the store with the intention of refunding a rental from the night before .. they put the series tape of "Sex and the City" onto the counter .. and just guess what they said ..    ........... just guess ...........      old guy: this isn't the type of tape we're looking for  CSR: what do you mean, sir?  old guy: this isn't what we thought it was ... do you know where me and wife can find the other tapes?  CSR: oOOOOoOOooh ... we're a family store, you could try the video store down the road ....  ....in the meanwhile, 3 CSRs are left in the store and we're like "were they (as in the elderly couple) looking for what we think they were looking for .. ?"  APPARENTLY!!  oOOokk ... i see how it is ... they obviously haven't lost that loving feeling ... :-X :-\ ... hahaha   
  i am familiar with, can fully appreciate, and may have even rubbed one off to: tentacle porn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         By day I drive a Volvo. By day I work in an office and talk on the phone to neurotic women who are all upset because they're not getting enough office supplies.  But we REALLY know what they're not getting enough of, don't we?  By night, my Volvo becomes Vulva the Wonder Car, and I am Clit Girl, saving the world from bad dates and pegging men (and women) who stuff with my x-ray vision.   My gun shoots condoms and spermicidal jelly. And yes, I have a Vibra-Phone. My costume is that of a dominatrix...with a cape.   But by day, you would never, ever know. My secret is safe with me.  
  I had a long-distance romance for a while, which of course involved a lot of phone sex. Wasn't my phone bill, so I was fine with that.  Until the day I was almost at the happy ending of our "conversation", thrashed around and kicked the pepsi on the nightstand, lunged after it without removing my hand from inside myself, fell off the bed and sprained my wrist when I landed my full weight on it.  I had to repeat the circumstances of my injury six times at the ER... because all the interns wanted a good laugh.   
  Every holiday the supermarket has jello molds that are free with purchase. Does anybody really eat jello molds? I've seen a few recipes that contain strange things suspended in jello and frankly they don't look so good. I've never seen one at a holiday gathering. I even asked around and none of my friends have ever made one. Is there a secret society of jello sculptors? Ah the mystery......  
  Chubby Checker performed at my college in an auditorium right outside my dorm window.  I didnt go, got drunk instead, but as he was leaving to get in his bus I started heckling him, "CHUBBY!!!DO THE TWIST!!!!CHUBBY!!!YOU SUCK!!!!" He waved up at me.  I laughed my ass off.  
  if there is fire in hell, dont they need wood to burn?? If they need wood to burn in hell, do they have there own forest, or do they send little demonds to steal wood from earth? Yeah, i can see it now, demonds running around earth looking for wood noone will miss, kicking a few kids on the way. Thats it, forests arent bieng hacked down for McDonalds, it is the devil. He is taking all the wood in the rainforest and blaming it on McDonalds, because MickeyD's is a branch of heaven, with those little egg McMuffins....yeah. So be careful with your fire wood, becuase the devil needs to keep the flames big in hell.  
  my brothers were in town this weekend, and we consumed many free redbull-vodkas at the tragically hip show. sunday morning i get up, look at dave... "jesus man, what happened to your eye?" "you don't remember?" "no, remember wha...?" it is at this point i notice the broken lamp, knocked over ashtrays, and many bruises and scrapes on my own self. i barely remember the lamp going down, but that's it. it would appear that sibling rivalry doesn't vanish once you near thirty. either that or i need to avoid that redbull piss... don't know what the hell i was thinking drinking that shit.  
  The Year:  1988 Me: In grade 6, single, awkward, chubby.  We were on this school band trip and I heard this girl liked me.  In school-girl fashin one of her friends asked me if I wanted to go out with her.  Of course I said sure, she's kind of cute, why not.  So I spend the whole trip thinking I'm going out with her and I'm generally in a happy mood.  We get back to our home town and she breaks up with me!  I was crushed! Devistated! I couldn't go on.  The next day the front tire falls off of her bike on a gravel road and her face looked like a pound of raw hamburger.  The moral of the story is: don't fucking mess with me! One way or the other you'll get burned!  P.S. I never did anything to her bike but I sure wish I would have thought of it!  God beat me to it first.    
   My Introduction To Boston Driving  Sure, people tell me that Italian drivers are worse, but Boston takes the ticket in this country. I've been here two weeks, when I get  really  cutoff by a big ol' '72 Buick. I honk and give him the finger. He ignores me. At the next light, I look at the car. It has dents everwhere. Three of the body panels are different colours. He has a bumper sticker that says: "Yes, as a mattor of fact, I  DO  own the entire goddammed road!" Impressive. But the cream on the cake is the driver's door -- it has six genuine BMW nameplates with crosses through them. I've been a jealous man, ever since...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I graduated with a high GPA in only three years from a great university.  I have been accepted to several law schools.  I have a full-time job at a law firm.  My father is the chief of police in my hometown.  I can't think of a single night in the past month when I haven't been high from weed, doped up on pain killers, or drunk (or a combination of any of them).    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If water were beans, I'd be 70% beans.        
  Ever shot an uzi?  I did.  That's a great weapon compared with the other 9mm I fired that day.  Sure it takes a while to load the 25-round mag, but then you just pull the trigger.....  Of course, it would have been better if the full-auto hadn't have been disabled.  
  Another industry party - this time to say farewell to a good pal.  Only at this particular shindig, one had to wait in line to enter.  One out, one in.  Fire code sort of stuff.  I'm next to get in, and a couple of frat boy looking marketing flacks are hassling with the doorman about getting one of them in without waiting in line.  Finally flack number one's cellphone comes out and he suceeds in getting flack number two in by virtue of kissing someone inside's ass.  They enter, and I enter after them.  So going up the stairs, I get to listen to them congratulate themselves on their extreme cleverness (you would have thought that they invented a cure for AIDS or Cancer or something to hear them tell it).  It was then, in the listening, that I discovered that "high-fiving motherfucker" was not just a figure of speech.  Dicks.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Girlflesh is the most precious substance in the world.  If it could be synthesized, and made into bedsheets, millions of inept, dweeby guys would sleep  much  better...  
  So I get this random IM from some guy who lives near me or whatever.  We talk and establish that I'm in college or whatever.  I pull a little espionage (read: look at his profile) and discover that he's a high school teacher.  He hasn't asked (or apparently bothered to find out) that I'm only 18, fresh out of high school.  A high school teacher just told me he's slept with 30+ people, and likes to do it in groups.  I really hope he's teaching high school because he loves education.  
  Walking to class today this car drove by me and from the passenger window came a yell.. "BIG BOOTY HO!!!!"   I laugh to myself and think, "I do not have a big booty..."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've been crossing my eyes a lot and referring to myself as "Bernie Mac" when I do.  Have you seen his show? It's become such a habit that my g/f is threatening to cut me off sexually if I do it any more.  
  Last night I stayed in a hotel room with my girlfriend (this being lowbrow.com I should probably specify I'm a heterosexual female and so is she).  Anyway, to save money we decided to just share a room.  There was only one bed, no biggie.  So I try to fall asleep and realize I can't.  Always in this order, no matter what happens prior in the evening, it always ends with:  1. Masturbation   2. Sleep   I kept thinking the bed might make too much noise, she might hear me when I get off, she could wake up.  And the more I thought about masturbating the more I just wanted to fucking do it.  It took me two fucking hours, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep, all because I couldn't masturbate. I'm not really sure if that's normal, but if it is...it shouldn't be.     Oh, by the way, sorry if anyone expected a "first lesbian experience" lowbrow moment and was severely disappointed to read a shitty masturbation story instead...I did try to give ya some warning. ;)    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When you were a little kid you had sex with the bed.  Now you are grown up and you know how to masturbate.   But "Mommy says masturbation is the seed of the devil."  Fuck them.  Go MASTURBATE.  LIVE a life of masturbation, because soon you will be having sex with a dog.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever been in the shower an fart with soap all over your ass?    What a weird feeling.  
  hot, butt-naked sex my crotch is on fire she gave me crabs  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So me and my buddies are going out one night and there is like 15 of us, and we only wanna take one car.  So we pack out my friend's van.  I am riding shotgun with a girl on my lap.  We are packed in there tight man.  Anyway we decide that we are gonna race everybody we pull up next to at a red light.  We race these black guys in a ghetto hoopty and smoke 'em.    The next light we pull up to this guy in a blue Saturn.  We all look his way and are about to like make noise and ask him to race when he uses his fold-down mirror to pop a zit.  It is a juicy one that splatters against the mirror.  Then he turns and sees all of us laughing our asses off.  He drives off through the red light.  It was a magical night.  
  I was jerking off one day and the  phone rang.  It was some asshole guy i knew.  I did not stop i just kept going as he was rambling on about some thing.  I was not listening to him, i was  looking at internet porn.  I wonder if he knew?   
  This morning my sister brought over doughnuts and two little cartons of milk.  As I open mine and take a big swig, I notice it tastes more like yogurt than milk, really.  Chunky, too.  I spit what I hadn't swallowed back into the carton, and show her just how chunky and spoiled it was.  Funny thing is, had she not been there, I think I might have had a little more. That stuff tasted kinda good.  
  I went to a dirty little mexican restraunt in Phoenix for lunch and before placing my order, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands.  There was an industrial-size garbage can full of shitty, ass-wiped toilet paper.    Someone needs to explain to these people that in America it's okay to flush that nasty shit.  
  I've dropped several condoms at several fast food establishments. I had to pick them up fast before anyone or my date would notice. I have to stop carrying these damn things in my wallet because the cashier noticed when she found it inbetween a five and a one.  
  from the middle joint to the knuckle of my right index finger is currently one giant blister.  bigger than a dime, and raised about half an inch.  a few hours ago it was just a tiny bubble.  it may never stop growing.  i spilled boiling microwaved queso on the top of my hand today.  this blister is covering a small scar i got about two years ago, also from scalding cheese.  this finger has now been thru 2 cheese burns.  
  I used to belong to one of these fancy health clubs, because my company got a corporate discount there. One of the instructors there was attractive, in a roughly-hewn, bad boy sought of a way. He took one class a week and I always went without fail. I fantasised about him a lot.  I started upping my training intensity to get my body into better shape. I trained like an Olympian. Almost every morning I was up at 5.30am so I could get to the gym for opening time, and then I'd interval train on the treadmill for an hour or so. I'd push myself so hard I was practically sick. Then in the evening I would do weights. My body firmed up amazingly. I looked pretty hot, for a 30-something woman. Although I had become riddled with injuries from over-training, of course.  After a while, the health club had some sort of drinks function in its bar. I got talking to the instructor. He got bought me a lot of drinks. I got drunk, and went home with him. I was pretty much out of it.  The next morning I had to go to work, so I left him lying there. I realised I had been training like an Olympian for a fuck that I was too drunk to remember, let alone enjoy.  My injuries still trouble me to this day.    
   More Fun With IV Valium  My doctor wants to run a scope right down me through my stomach.  He starts out by spraying my throat with some horrible local anesthetic and  something to disarm my gag reflex. Yech. Then he takes out about 6' of flexible metal pipe and lubes it up it for insertion. I've never felt more nervous, or more helpless. Now I know why they strapped my arms and legs down, geesus! Doctor: "Nurse, 15mg of Valium." She injects it straight into my IV. Five seconds later, I'm more relaxed than I've ever been. I open wide and he stuffs it down my throat. I start to gag and retch. He stops and asks if I'm OK. Me: "Moooe Wallium." The nurse slips me some more. I feel delicious. He sees I'm relaxed, and asks if I'd like to take a look. I nod, so the nurse frees one of my hands and hands me a teaching eyepiece. Just amazing to see. The doctor acts as a tour guide as he goes down, pointing out my vocal chords, stopping right behind my heart so that I can see the  esophagus walls pulsing in time. I'm still retching and gagging non-stop, so he asks if he can do anything to make me more comfortable. I couldn't  imagine  being more comfortable. Me: "Mooow Walllum?" He looks me in the eye. I try to look agitated and nervous, but he just laughs and shakes his head. Damn! After he and I tour my stomach and duodenum, he extracts the pipe. When it gets back up to my throat, I grab the pipe. He looks at me quizzically, then laughs: "Oh, you want to continue the tour!" I nod, and he gives me the pipe. I head back down to my vocal chords, and watch them while singing: "DaZee, DaZee, guv me yoo unsa dooo..."  
  ok, info about my body: due to an anal sex mishap, my asshole now bleeds every time i take a crap. also, when im near the end of my period, the 'leftover' stuff that comes out is brown instead of what you would normally think of.  so its kinda disturbing after going to the bathroom and seeing brown and red on the toilet paper, knowing the brown came out the front and the red came out the back.  
  My father buys my mom a new wedding ring... (her old one doesn't fit anymore, they've been married 29 years) since he is scared of her I am supposed to call her and see if she can go to dinner tonight after she finishs her shopping. She say she's planning on fixing steaks. Since my father wants to "take her out" and not have her distracted with cooking and everything so he can give her the ring, I have to come up with some reason why we don't want to eat her cooking, and her cooking is amazing. So I tell her that my boyfriend really wants oysters, so we're going to so-and-so restaurant so he can have oysters. (I was planning on seeing my boyfriend anyway, but not till later after dinner, because he's eatting at some friends he hasn't seen in awhile.) NO problem, if Dave doesn't show up it's no big deal and dad can give her the ring. Well, mom thinks thats great and we set dinner at 7:30. About an hour later my father calls, and tell me to expect a call from mom... 30 seconds later, ring ring, mom says she went over to the market and bought 100 oysters that she is going to cook at home, and we can have a big feast for Dave since he's leaving on Saturday to go back to School. Dad and I aren't even that keen on oysters, and Dave isn't even coming, and she's cooking, and, the ring, that was supposed to come in the mail at my father office today, hasn't even shown up. Next time dad can make his own fucking plans. I'm going to take a long bath and drown myself.  
  i would be such a dungeons and dragons dork if only i knew how to play.  
  today in the doctor's office i had to choose between curing my sore throat and possibly getting a yeast infection and diarrhea OR dealing with a cold without medication and thereby avoiding the nasty side effects caused by antibiotics...  i chose to go home without medication  however i still ended up with diarrhea  
  I really need to bring in another bottle of spring water from home.  I keep refilling this one and the inside of it is a little cloudy, indicating the buildup of old saliva.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
   Like A Moth To A Flame  In a Boston supermarket, staring down at my list, when  The Most Amazing Ass In The Universe  walks by. Huh! "Walks" doesn't quite convey what this ass is doing as it moves along. New words would have to be coined to properly describe it. Perhaps a new branch of mathematics would be needed to explain its motion, and its effect on me. I  never  bug women in places like supermarkets, and I'm not even an "Ass Man," but I turned my cart around and followed along, powerless and transfixed.  Damn!  She meets up with her boyfriend and the two of them walk down the aisle wrapped together. What the fuck does she see in  that  guy? Stringy, lanky hair, enormous lips, skinny and ugly as hell. He looks like a cheap imitation of Mick Jagger - like that guy from Aerosmith, Steven Tyler. Oops -- I realize that he  is  Steven Tyler. Suddenly, I have an overwhelming urge to become a rock star...  
  Maybe it was the beer, maybe not. But when the pighead went missing from my college's annual year-end barbecue, nobody would have thought that it would up in the girl's dorm toilet, face-up (still with roast apple in its jaws) and toilet cover down.  Perhaps she should have been suspicious when the group of us were non-chalantly hanging around the hallway near the entrance.  All the same, it was a blood-curdling scream that she let out....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm playing scabble with my roomate, and I let out a long and loud fart, somewhat wet sounding. I laugh about it and then continue to play.  When I finally get up, I realize that there is a giant wet spot on the seat I was sitting on.  I went to the bathroom and proceeded to squirt out pure oil for a few moments and then have a bought of diarrhea. I then thought back on what the hell caused this.  The day before my roomate had gotten a deep frier.  I tried to cook some fried catfish but I'm a fucking idiot sometimes and I used flower only and no cornmeal.  It was bascially saturated with some nasty oil.  Apparently my body didn't like it to much.  The most lowbrow of this whole affair? The chair I was sitting on was a great vintage reclining rocking vibrating chair made out of vinyl. The shit oil discolored it permanently and ruined it.  
  as i sit here writing this, my ass is the color of a tomato, yes a tomato.  why you ask? well, for some reason i thought it would be a good idea to go to a nude beach and sunbathe for two hours with no sunscreen. me, the girl i was with, YES I DID GO WITH A GIRL SO QUIT THINKING IT, and the general public. i have now had a casual conversation with a naked grown man in public in the middle of the day. he walked up to me, warned me about the deadly jellyfish in the water, and then informed me that some sicko weird people like to sneak up to the beach and watch the naked people, 'no way!, dude thats fucked up' me and my white ass responded to a man wearing only a hat and sunglasses. in spite of the excrusciating pain my ass is in, the dilznik is ok and my only regret is not putting a sunscreen smiley face on my ass, or better yet drawing an elephant head around the LD, next week maybe...  
  I was at the club, and I saw this one guy I fucked one time...a long time ago.  I go up and start talking to him, then about an hour later we leave together.  We go back to my place and fuck like crazy. TONS better than the first time.    I had moved since the other time we fucked.    And as he was leaving he goes, "Well, it was nice meeting you."  I close the door and suddenly realize...he doesn't remember me, not at all.  The entire time we were fucking, I thought he did.   Ouch?  Yea.  
  It's 3 a.m. I hear the arrival of the dormitory elevator. Bleary-eyed, I'm about to walk in, when I am overcome by a foul stench. I look down and see a large pile of mushy poop. Then I notice the index card next to it that reads, "Oh, shit."     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, I'm sitting here reading all these great lowbrow moments, laughing my ass off.  And I think to myself, "Wow, I'm glad that I've made it this far through my life with out doing anything like this, what since I don't do drugs or anything."  And then I look down at what I'm doing while I'm reading.  I've got out my Leatherman and I'm cutting Percoset pills that were originally prescribed to my sister in half so they'll last me longer.  Then it hits me.  Not only do I do drugs, but I do such wussy drugs that the people on lowbrow will laugh at me.  That's pretty fucking pathetic.  
  If God didn't want us to masturbate, he would make our fingers stubbier. Or he would have made chicks sluttier.  
  phone conversation between friend and her beau: "So how often *do* you masturbate?" "Remember 5 minutes ago when i was really quiet...?"  
  My boyfriend used to come over every night at 11, and then we'd fool around (more like, he'd fool around with me), on his initiation, for a couple hours and then he'd go home.  He'd never make any time for me, with the exception of his nightly visitations.  I don't think I saw him more than 3 times during the day that summer.  Now, 10 or so month later, he says that he feels used in our physical relationship.  Amazing, completely amazing.  Poor little baby, grow the hell up... just grow up.  Lowbrow moment?  He actually had me convinced (for about 5 minutes) that I'D been cruel to HIM in our relationship.  Hell, I'm no angel, but atleast I'm not delusional.  
  in response to shfpdx@hotmail.com's telemarketer removal tip... that's perfect... however, here's one that's less loud. when they call, act interested for a few seconds. then tell them to hang on. put the receiver down and leave.  you see.. when you hang up on a telemarketer, or do something that makes him or her hang up immediately, they simply go on to the next call. when you feign interest, and keep them waiting, you're actually wasting their time.  it's sadistic and cruel, and i love it.  
  first time a cop ever hassled me in relation to driving:  i was driving around the beach, looking for a place to park...didnt feel like paying a meter, so i went down some side streets...a song comes on, i crank up my radio about as loud as it can go...i drive out one street, and see a guy running out into the street, flashing some light...my first thought was "some drunk guy coming from one of the bars"...so i slowed & drove around him...he stopped, so i stopped, noticed it was a cop, and got freaked out...i didnt even think to lower my radio til i noticed he was yelling to talk to me...he gave me some bullshit about noise curfews (they start at 10, i was driving around 930) and about how elderly people live here (it's a beach town, in late august, it was all drunk college kids & yuppies)...so he says "i'll let you go with a warning, only because you've only had your license for a few weeks, but this is normally a $200 fine"...i found out later it's really about $25...  the lowbrow part? the song was "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in a pub called the Ruskin Arms in East London, its a dive, but its on the cover of an Iron Maiden album so you can tell what sort of man I am.  On the way out my friend dropped the tabs we had aquired. Right in a doorway.  We spent twenty minutes looking for them, we found them, we took them.  Its only now thinking back I realise that hundreds...nay thousands of drunk metal heads must have pissed in that doorway over the years.  
  Yes, I'm a grown woman and yes, I know a drain is not the same thing as a toilet, but regardless of this, I piss in the shower all the time.  Let it run down my legs, over my feet, across the bottom of the tub and down the drain.  Call me lazy, but I've probably pissed in your shower too.   
  Just looking around my room I see filth and shit piled shoulder high... What is to beome of this life of mine? ANd the shaking in my legs gets worse by the minute as the day comes nearer and nearer. Only the holy-men of Tibet know the true meaning of silence... I know not!     
  so I'm in a really loud bar full of people...I see a really attractive woman and approach her.  I think, "what have I got to lose?" nervously, but in a loud tone to be heard over the music, I ask her, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?"  she looks at me, up and down, gives a sneer and loudly replies, "NO WAY, GET OUT OF HERE YOU PUNK!!"    Shocked at her reply, I take a step back, and respond just when the music fades to a low volume, "I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME, I SAID 'YOUR ASS LOOKS FAT IN THOSE PANTS.'"  
  Driving home at 3 in the morning myself and the swedish kid were all out of smokes, when we spot a girl driving next to us lighting up we yell and honk... ask her if she's got 2 extras 50mph with the drunk swede hangin out my window just for a nicotine fix we were both too impatient to stop  
  i sat there attempting to be cool and collected and a man of composed demeanor but my nutsack was taking advantage of the high humidity and heat and clinging to my thigh like a slug on a dry window damn jockeys and loose jams i wiggled i crossed and recrossed my leg hoping she wouldnt get the jist fuck it i said finally got up made a rather theatrical adjustment as she laughed she blew me later that night   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         right now.    i hear people yelling on the floor below me about whether or not i should be kicked out of my fraternity house because all i do is smoke weed and masturbate all day.  this is actually the followup to about two weeks of small neighborhood disturbances directly resulting from my marijuana and masturbation habits.  right now i'm pretty sure this is all just my own paranoid aural fantasty, but if it's not....   shit.    
  I was with the same man for so long that now I'm terrified of taking off my clothes in front of another man.   The man I was with had come to accept my little pot belly, the freckles on my shoulders, my disproportionately small hands and feet.   I don't think I'm ready to be someone elses undiscovered country.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         16/01/02  He said he didn't want us to become poly if it was only an excuse to do stuff with other people.  Well shit, isn't that the point?  
  Whilst walking through town, I once saw a sign that said "I broke this window doing what I told my daughter never to do."   DAMN.   A parent with humility and respect for their offspring.   Such a creature DOES exist!   wow...   
   Greyhound 2003  Years since last Greyhound trip: 24 # of hours in terminals: 9 # of hours on buses: 18 # of white people on buses: 10 # of black people on buses: 200+ # of pleasant Greyhound terminal employees: 2 # of unpleasant, disinterested, incoherent Greyhound employees: 40+ # of pleasant, professional drivers: 4 (of 4) # of fugitive-from-justice arrests: 2.1 (cops didn't have cuffs for the 3 week-old, though) # of  HARD  plainclothes drug takedowns: 2 (cops were  NOT  polite) # of arrested people who were white: 4.1 # of lockers in terminals: 80+ # of working lockers: 0 # of times offered cocaine-like substance: 1 # of times offered nasty skankweed: 2 # of times offered oregano-like substance: 1 # of times offered junk hash: 1 # of drug offers declined so far: 5 # of times offered decent hash: 1 # of drug offers declined, total: 5* # of dealers asked for their cellphone number: 1 Years until next Greyhound trip: 50+  -------------- *Note: I looked like a misplaced 40+ English gentleman farmer -- I guess these guys can spot 'em, eh?  
  The accountant I work with was on the phone, pretending to ignore me waiting for his signature on papers.  I teabagged the corner of his desk.  Now he drops everything the second I walk into his office.  
  i walked out of his room and meandered towards the kitchen, shoving the vibrator into my jeans pocket very casually. when i emerged into the dining area i saw a homey scene- both his parents sat curled in chairs around the table, watching "stuart little" and sipping tea from flowery mugs. "hello, how are you? won't you sit down and watch stuart little for a while?" his mother asked. she fluttered and twitched with concern. "err... thanks," i said, pulling up a chair and trying desperately to conceal the large lump in my pants. i glanced down. the vibrator was sticking out of my pocket and poking out the fabric of my t-shirt a little, so i fidgeted it a little with my hands. suddenly, i heard an annoying hum and felt its vibrations buzz up and down my leg. fuck! how the hell had i turned it on?! i scrabbled around in my pants and the humming stopped. just then, as i sat stiffly trying not to imagine the looks on his parents' faces, he appeared in the doorway. "want to go now?" he asked. i was saved. walking down his driveway, i said, "i was just spending some quality time with your parents with a smile on my face and a vibrator in my pocket." i paused for a second, and then groaned. "they were watching stuart little, for god's sake!!" he started laughing his ass off.  
  I tried the Internet dating thing for a while. What made me stop?  A 47 year-old former hooker who works at a strip club as a waitress. While she was inside the joint, she got a tattoo on the inside of her lower lip that said, "EAT ME".  At some point she decided that I was not good enough for her.  
  Having 10 beers and making out with an ugly girl at 3 in the morning:  Lowbrow  Having to leave church to vomit while still drunk the next morning: Irish  
  Do you remember what it was like before you were born?  Of course not.  That's what it's like when you die.  
  after skipping all my classes for about two weeks i decided to go back. although i really could care less about what my professors thought about me being a slacker, i tried to come up an excuse that made a little bit of sense. that took too much time so i told them my dad died, they believed me, no questions asked, and even gave me a break on my work. i now have to decide which relative is next.  
  it's not till winter comes in the fucking  cold little city you live in that you  realise nipples really are  extremeties.  even when i'm warm,  my fingers, toes and nipples are not.   in fact my nipples are fucking painful.   how can that ever be sexy?  
  The boyfriend told me he knew he was in love with me the night I pissed on a bedroom floor, while drunk.  
   BrewPub Moment # 119  After months of scrabbling, I am finally in the money again! I walk proudly into the BrewPub, order a pint of their wonderful Pale Ale, and peruse the scene. Couple sitting next to me are of no interest. The guy is kinda neat, when he's on his own, but when he's with his woman, he's a little flaccid worm. Over at the tables, a cute woman catches my eye. She's with her man, and he doesn't know it, but he's on shaky ground, because she's broadcasting interest. I get generous, and decide to leave her to him (but only because she wasn't all that neat). Guy next to me finishes his water. Barmaid asks if he'd like another one. He: "Yes! I'd love one!" His lady: "Actually, we're leaving, so he doesn't need it. Can we have our check?" He pays up and they leave. I like the guy, when he's on his own. The barmaid comes over to clear away their drinks, and I say: "I have two words for you. Pussy-Whipped." She completely loses it. Another friend made.   
  the bags were one of the best bands in boston dare i say the planet such a statement is tempered with the fact that they in an effort to prevent themselves from becoming too big would play unannounced gigs under psuedonyms so only those who heard by word of mouth would get to enjoy the giddy satirical loudness that is the bags john is now in nova scotia crispin still works on state street for all i know jim has been with a bunch of different bands none with the punch of the bags i drove ten hours for a gig once and had to work the next day amazing how highschool i can get over music that most would find childish         
  "Some people like ping pong, others like digging up graves. People will do anything rather than be here now"  
  All you guys out there who like humping your old lady doggy-style so you can imagine she's the girl at the record store in the mall - some movie star - your Uncle Steve. . .  Did you ever think that while your doing your business  shes   imaginging your that cute boy from the record store - some movie star - or your Uncle Steve?  All this time you thought you were sooooo clever.  
  the director of residence life at unity college puts up a giant U made of christmas lights on his house every christmas. WE put up a giant F on the house next to his to advertise to the world FU from unity college. He called us assholes..... were on the shit list now..  
  My boyfriend has a realy fat mexican cat. He calls it Jabba.   His little siblings feed it butter.Now that is the only thing the cat will eat.   It is a fat maxican cat beacuse besides being fat it san say one word of spanish "agua".  I maintain that soon that cat will be so fat it will need a skate board to get around and a new word will be added to it's vocab.Butter.  montequia roland montequia.  
  Here's another shit moment from a shameless AOL user.  Last year, I went to my boyfriend's prom.  I had a classy dress, elegant hairstyle and some very expensive shoes that I'd looked all over to find.  Overall, I looked stunning.  The prom was great.  I met his friends, who all thought I was hot, and we danced the night away.  Of course, after it ended, we were planning on going to the afterparty and getting wasted.  On the way back to his house, where I was going to change into some more comfortable clothes, I had to go to the bathroom, so he stopped at a little park area on Mulholland Hwy that had an outhouse.  I could barely see because it was so dark outside, but the moon offered enough light for me to make out the bare necessities.  I took a piss and managed to keep my dress from touching any surfaces.  I was just about out the door and home free when suddenly, my foot landed directly in a pile of something squishy, and I slid for about a meter before hitting the door.  Fortunately, I didn't fall.  Unfortunately, when I got back to his car after trying to wipe my shoe off in some grass (in vain), I discovered that my shoe was basically covered in human shit.  If he didn't start laughing, I think I would have cried.    
  She had braces at 22 and an awkward grin that always got me where it counted.  I met her affections with some apprehension but fell into the groove after she bought me my 3rd drink.  I always thought this little cutie was out of my league but as the night wore on the butterfly kisses turned into something more.  We met outside the bar at the end of the night and made love on the lawn in front of our dormitory.  We chatted, embraced, and slipped in and out of consciousness until dawn.  She left for law school the next morning so I drove her to the airport stopping once to make love on the way.  It's been years... I wonder if she still thinks of me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Names have been changed to protect the lowbrow:  I drove up to a remote part of the North Country last summer for my friend Mike's bachelor party.  Several of our friends went.  Also present at this party was Mr. Smith, Mike's father.  Mr. Smith is descended of Quebecois and very proud of it.  Mr. Smith told us repeatedly how much they (the Quebecois) like their frog legs and their fish, but especially those frog legs.  "Mmm, mmm, mmmmm..." was uttered several times as Mr. Smith eyed up the river bank behind the camp we were at.  My friend Tom showed up a little bit late and didn't get to hear the first couple renditions.  This was soon remedied though, and the two of them quickly discovered that they were kindred spirits.  After perhaps an hour, the urge became too great and overwhelmed Mr. Smith.  He just had to have some of those frogs.  So he enlisted Tom as his assistant and off they gleefully went to do some "Froggin'".  Now, for you rookies, froggin' is an art form.  There's a whole technique to it.  You don't just go out and scoop them up.  First you gotta stun 'em.  Then you gotta knock 'em out.  So picture in your minds for me this idyllic scene: one of the guys is playing some Johnny Cash or Jim Croce on the "Git-box", the rest of us are engaged in a close approximation to singing along (between sips of our Genny Lites, of course), and every so often in the background Mr. Smith fires off his 22 pistol near a frog to stun it and then hollers to Tom, "Git 'em!" at which point Tom gives it a good thumping on the head with his crow bar, throws it in a plastic bag, and they move on to their next target.  "Mmm, mmm, mmmmm..." can be heard through the window every so often.  I don't know if I was more amused or disturbed but, either way, it's an experience I'll never forget.  
  I found out I'm allergic to lime juice this weekend. I was mixing drinks with lime, and I turned bright red and splotchy. I felt like my head was going to explode. Then I tried to pass out, but I felt like shit. Never again. I hate limes.  
  I had house guests, family so to speak. I came home from work and went to take a piss and in the bowl was the biggest brown log ever.  Funny how I noticed that there wasn't any toilet paper in the bowl....as if it was so perfect she didn't need to wipe.  
  when i was 7 my friends and i decided to set some plastic toy cars on fire and pretend they were blowing up. i held one up to look at it and the plastic driped on my hand. i went into shock and couldn't talk or cry or anything. my friend poured a glass of water on my hand and then started playing again. i ended up with a 3rd degree burn. that night i lied to my mom and said i had scraped my hand. 2 days later i realised i had blood posioning and i had to go to the hospital and everything. i told everyone there that a candel had burned my hand. they didn't believe me but they didn't tell my mom. the same week that i burned my hand we started vollyball in gym. i learned really fast not to hit the ball on my hands. i was much better than anyone else so i ended up on the vollyball team. now i'm good at vollyball and i have a scar on my hand that looks like a whale.        
  It was during a snowstorm in college that we discovered mixing sweet vermouth and Sprite makes a drink that tastes not unlike melted Ricola coughdrops. The lowbrow part is that one guy kept drinking it after that, even when he had access to better alcohol.  Called 'em cough-shots. Jesus, man, drink a fucking beer or something.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)              i just want to tell all those "hip" boys with their pants hanging down around their ankles that the ass of their jeans is not meant to be at their knees  Pull them the hell up you dumb motherfuckers.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read that Lowbrow about the guy who said he was yelled at for posting an empty moment.  I just had to know if he was telling the truth or not, so I posted a blank one.  I'm sorry too.        
  Some things in life aren't worth having: VD, for instance.  Another, rather important one is depression.  I imagine my depression as a balloon, which I slowly fill up and watch drift away.  Unfortunately, the balloon continues to grow, and becomes so large that it forms its own gravitational pull, and the next thing I know I'm on the surface of Depression wearing a space suit and trying to think of any useful information that I may have gleaned from Space Cowboys.  Damn you, Zoloft.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After you shit, no matter much you wipe, you're  never truly clean until the next time you shower. Keep that in mind.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So here I was sitting at the local dive bar, ironically named "The High Brow". Well, I start to make out with the waitress for the second time this week. In-between deep kisses, she would pull back and tell me that she was insane. Well, I laughed and continued to press the issue at hand a bit further. Coldplay was playing on the jukebox, so I had this eerie feeling of being in a music video, being filmed kissing some lunatic cocktail server while soft, sad music fills the room.  In the end, she stood up and told me "That the only thing we find sexually attractive about each other is that we are both on the downslope of our lives."  I replied "Thanks", and got up and left, holding my bloody lip from when she bit it.   
  Check it out. Here's what you do to make Jesus freaks nuts:  Tell them that revelation, by definition, is the act of god communicating with man.  Then tell them that, since it is stories of God communicating with other people, the Bible is not revelation, but hearsay.  Explain to them that you cannot base your life on hearsay. Tell them that God is free to contact you whenever you like, but that you cannot take anyone's word for what or who he might be.  If they pull that "you need to ask Him to come into your life" bullshit, tell them to kiss your ass.  Hey, it's Lowbrow!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was seventeen I fucked one of my hot co-workers in the parking lot of a United States Postal Service building.  Isn't that a federal offence?  
  Whenever you have a stain, a smell, or something sticky on or aroung you, why do people take such great pride in saying "I've got something that'll take that right out."?  
  I was leaving the mall after visting my friend who works there. I was walking past the make up counter and saw an attractive young lady there with her mom. The young lady was getting done up by those evil 40 year old cosmetic women. As I walked past the young lady I told her "It looks real good on you". She smiled. I smiled and went home and drank because I realised that I am so pathetically single that was the only smile from a female that I had gotten in months. At least I think I made her day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was waiting at the bus stop sitting next to this funny looking girl. She was about 17 with a very large forehead and sort of misshapen head in general. She has an open backpack full of books from some high school so I assume she is just 'funny looking' but then again that forehead is massive...As I am contemplating if she is retarded or not someone from a moving car yells out "HEY 'TARD!!!" and throws a paper bag with something obviously in it. I'm thinking well she must be then and wait for her reaction. She looks at me and says, "That was just these dumb guys!" and proceeds to get what I now think is her lunch or something. She opens the bag and pulls out a salad sandwich and examines it, smiles and reaches in also pulling out a pear, a granola bar, and a muffin she gathers it all up and then she puts it pack. She then looks at me and says, "This is cool, really cool!" I say, "Mom packed a good lunch?" She says, "No usually those guys throw me a ham or beef or chicken sandwich but I'm vegetarian!" Before I can ask her any more questions my bus pulls up and I get on, sitting down and still staring at this girl wondering...what the fuck?  
  Some of the best sex I've had was in a tent.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He asked me if I was straight, I told him I was bi.   "oh," he said, "I thought you were normal"  
  He had one of those huge plastic Pepsi jar looking piggy banks.  I'd sleep over there sometimes.  Some mornings I'd take one of his tupperware containers - tip Pepsi piggy over and go to the local Coin Star.  By the time I was done with him, I'd gotten nearly $200 out of that plastic Pepsi. Not to mention the random $20 bills from his wallet. He didn't take me out enough...he deserved it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just found out that the sillybitch I used to go pranking with is moving, and yet (against type) she hasn't asked me to help her pack. I guess she remembers all the things we did to the last poor bitch who moved with our help. I bet the smell hasn't worn off yet.  So I went over while she was gone and "helped" some of her clueless friends box up some of her stuff.  Hope she likes eggs.  
  ATTN LADIES:  You know that fairly cute but totally quiet guy that keeps to himself at work?  Maybe he was a nerd in high school but is probably great in bed?  Guess what:  He's waiting for you to come talk to him because in the nerd utopia he was spawned in, women approached men.  Of course they never really did but you know those nerd scouts (who brought this information to the table)were also nerds and great liars at that.  Which is why that dude hasn't been laid in 10 years if ever.  So do yourself and him a favor and get the fuck out of that chair and go over there and say "hey you, want a blowjob?"  Be a sport will ya?  
  I'm with a really great girl, been dating for a few months, I'm only the second lover she's ever had. She asks me whilst in the middle of foreplay: "So how many people have you slept with?" My racing brain does the math, runs out of fingers and toes to count on, starts over over on my thumb again and says:    "Three."   
  it was late autumn. I met my love for a round of tounge lashing and went to another set of lips.  I came home and my wife says I smell nice.  
  I ratted on you not because you have been tying up the office printer for the last 3 days printing out hundreds of pages of personal shit, but because today you didn't bother to flush after taking your Atkins-all-protien dump.  For the 400th time.  My 5 year old knows how to flush.  Perhaps he can give you lessons.    
  a few years ago, my roommate and i got really high on the way home from work, knowing full well there was plenty of drink and a bag of shrooms waiting for us that evening.  fast forward about 3 hours.  we're both so lit it's frightening.  yet we can't stop laughing.  add to that how bad we have the munchies, and you're getting an idea of the scene about to be played out.  he gets up to go find food, and promptly falls down in the doorway into the kitchen.  he didn't fall over, his legs buckled under him and he went straight down.  it took me 5 minutes to quit laughing and howling about how he was the wicked witch of the west who just melted before i can make it over to his still immobile form.  out cold?  nah, he looked up at me with one eye and said "i know how to make you quit laughing - try what i did"  i joined him on the floor shortly, but it was because of the laughter, not as a cure to it.  
  "As democracy is perfected, the office of the president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.  On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach in their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."  -H.L. Menchken (1880-1956) American Writer   
  i called at&t to tell them not to disconnect my cable, as my overdue check was, in fact, in the mail. the lady said they cannot do anything about it, the computer automatically disconnects on a certain date unless the check is deposited. i told her to have someone push the date back. can't do that either. so i asked: "you mean to tell me that humans have no control whatsoever over your computers." "that is correct." fucking scary.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My longtime girlfriend (lowbrow keyword: "no tits") is a very cool, interesting lady.  My longtime ex, who I am proud of retaining as a close friend, is also a very cool, interesting lady.  On a 1-10 scale, both of them "go to eleven."  I think it might be neat for the three of us to have dinner. They'd probably like each other.  I ask them what they think.  They both say: "No problem."  Moron.   Double moron.   Quadruple moron.  I still remember my ex's last words, as I am pushing her out my door and slamming it, never to see her again: "...you and your snivelling inability to complain..."  Girls and ladies everywhere, if you want us to take your words seriously, you  have  to start being honest...  
  This is so disgusting. For the past 48 hours I've been blowing duck calls out my butthole.  It ain't slowing down, neither.  How much gas can the human ass contain?        
      i saw 2  great golfers hitting 250 drives and looking very proffessional  the next day they were duct taping a kid to a tree  ya know  just when u think ya know someone's type......think again  
  When I first moved back to Ithaca, I coincidentally got very temporary digs in a house directly across the road from my ex-wife, who had stayed and remarried, to a doctor, no less. First morning, I knocked on her door unannounced. When she recovered from her surprise, she said she had been just on her way to the bathroom, so could I wait a minute? She then took a shit with the door open, in plain view of me, and then came back to make polite, strained conversation. As I left, I fondly remembered my old pet name for her: "Li'l Stinky Butt."  
  I wore a "non strapless" bra with a halter top and went out into public. Can we say White trash?      
  I was hammered drunk when my friends decided it was time to go get breakfast.  We went to the local Village Inn.  I walked in, sat down, smelled some bacon and then walked swiftly to the bathroom.  I made it around the corner and puked all over the stall.  My friend comes in and I say, "I think I puked" (Yeah, you think?) He took me out to his car and I puked in there too.  Sweet thing is, other people cleaned it up and not me.  
  Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot piiiiieeeee.  
  Ha!  It was comical to see her in her all black dress and flailing side to side with the slayer and linkin park patches on. I slapped her twice after she fell and pulled up the ladder portion of her her skirt to reveal her candid undies with Dashboard Conffessionals scribbles over her soaking Twat. Hilarious!   The qaulity of our goths today.  So Emo-tion-al.  
  I saw the guy just beating the crap outta this clown at this fair, granted the clown was being particularily annoying, but thats no excuse.  I wanted to save the clown from his severe beating, but I couldn't stop laughing, his nose just kept honking everytime the guy hit him in the face.  I know I lost karma for that, I just just hope the man up stares has a very warped sense of humour. Sometimes I still giggle.  
  mussolini once said "a battle is not lost untill you have given up on it in your head" or something along the lines of that.  i wonder if he was thinking that when they hung him by his ankles and cut his guts out in a town square  
  you grow up with the sinking suspiscion that size matters. then sometime in late middle school/early hgih school you hear from a girl that, "no, size really isn't that important, unless it's really tiny or really huge." and you feel like you're going to make it in life. then sometime around your junior/senior year of high school you hear from a girl that "size doesn't matter at all. all that matters is how you move that thing." and you feel like everything is just fine. then sometime around you freshamn year of college, all illusion is shattered and you return to your youthful suspiscion that size does matter. you hear from a girl that, "yes, size is a big deal and i only have time for BIG dicks." and you return to your dorm and jack off with the realization in mind that, while you might get a few girls off, you'll never fully please a woman in your life.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "if i'm still hungry after this pizza is gone, i'll just eat some pork"  how i love that man of mine...  
  I'm hanging out at this skanky strip club.  You know the type, the place where strippers go to die.  This nearly toothless, sagging redhead is dancing on the stage when her way-too-high heel gets caught on something (a nail?) protruding from the stage floor.  She flails her arms as she tumbles backwards off the stage, landing with a satisfying thud.  The bartender trots over to see if she's ok, but before he leaves I yell, "Hey, buddy, gimme another beer before you go."  I love this place.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i met my fifth grade teacher in front of the fish market looking exactly as she had a million years ago dressed in the same sort of low keyed brown habit from the olden days sister eileen i exclaimed literally scared for some yet unacknowleged wrong i must have committed we chatted amicably i was walking away and she said im glad to see youve straightened your act out damned nazi penquins crawling around in my head to this day maybe i can sue        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The place where I used to work lent me an old laptop to use.  I transfered some of my computer porn stash onto it to keep me amused.  Just before I left the job and had to give the laptop back it broke and I couldn't delete the porn. I hope they never fixed it.  
  2/20/03  i watched an accident last night on 805N around 10:00pm.  one lone surburban was sideways in 1, 2, and 3 lanes.  i swerved to miss him, then watched in my rearview mirror as a van plowed into him at full speed, flipping the suv up into the air and spinning it around.  my friend and i decided to go back, just to see the aftermath.  the freeway was completely closed, but we drove up the shoulder, then parked and ran up to the ambulance.  As we were running, we both stopped, and there in the middle of the road was a lump of bloody body parts.  Dead.    The lowbrow part of this is that I wanted to go poke the mass of dead person with a stick, but my buddy forced me not to.    
  During the Pope's visit to Toronto they installed porta potties everywhere.  The locals started calling them Vati-cans.  
  I had a tryst with this guy at work nearly a year ago. It fell apart awkwardly, but we're in separate departments and can maintain pleasantries when necessary.   He sent an email to my boss about some documents we're doing, which she forwarded to me.  She's attending a conference next week, so in it he suggests that I finish the work.   He spelled my name wrong.  That fucker spelled my name wrong.   The time spent with him caused me great embarassment on many levels, but this proved to be the icing on the cake of humiliation.     
  I was on the green line heading towards Boston one evening and had the trolley car to myself. I had just had a big Mexican meal and was a bit gaseous. A silent but real deadly cloud came out of me. At the next stop about 6 urban school girls came on and sat down at the other end of the car. As the doors closed, one said "Eeew - it smells like someone done doody"  The ride to the next stop was the most miserable of my life. But I burst out laughing when I got off the train.  
  While at my job at a Comic Book/Collectible store, this thought came across me.  I've seen Quake skins that look like Pokemon, or Magic, the Gathering characters.  Bt I've never seen a Quake mod where you can blow up all the ignorant little poisonous 13 year old whorehopping tools that constantly come in and make me miserable.  Maybe they should make one.  That way, you know, I wouldn't have to fold my customers in half.    I could just mow them all down with a chaingun at home.  ...nah  I think I'd rather fold them in half.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I asked my wife what she was giving up for lent, she looked me in the eye and said "Sex."  Imagine her surprise when she asked me the same question and I look her straight in the eye and say "Fidelity."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why do people have to be so deluded as to be hypocritical about movies and the media not having an impact on our attitudes and views on life?  Don't know what I mean? Just ask yourself why practically every man - at least in theory - thinks he can, by driving an adequate vehicle, escape the police, or use a piece of complex weaponry, for that matter - while the same man, when making his first attempt, can't even do his own laundry correctly.  
  OldLove No. 2  Well, actually, this is young love as it happened in the 60s-- way before any of you were born. Anyway, we were drinking in a back-country beerbar in the wilds of Wisconsin. Back then, the laws were such that you could serve "beer only" to crazed teens age 17 or, god knows, older. And then only in certain out-of-the-way wilderness counties. It is summer and the place is packed and sweaty. As i exit, very room-spinning drunk with the fat girl that i have found to grapple in the car, an agressive jock voice calls out "Careful--she snores".  
  She: Thanks for calling XXXXXXX Beauty Salon, how can I help you?  Me: Yes, do you do waxing?  S: Yes we do.  M: What kinds?  S: What do you want?  M: Genital  S: Sure thing.  When would your g/f like to come in?  M: uh...male genitals  S: Oh. (pause) We do that too, but...  M: But what?  S: We don't do the scrotum  M: Really why not?  S: There are too many risks  M: Of what?  Ingrown hairs?  S: No...  M: Irritation?  S: Tearing.     Ouch!  
  It was New Year's Eve.   We were under 21 and going to a club.  I had been drinking before we left. My friend was driving and I continued to drink the entire car ride.  We got there and I really had to pee.  Got on the line for the club and waited.  I couldn't hold it any longer.  I ran out of the line to the back of another club and peed down my leg.  I couldn't be happier that it was raining that night, and everyone was soaked.  After, we went into the club and partied the rest of the night.  
  My legs hurt.  My arms hurt.  My stomach hurts.  Fuck; my whole body hurts.  I can barely lift my legs high enough to walk up stairs.  My stomach still feels like it's on fire after all those situps.  Anyways, that's 1100 calories burned today at least.  All in pursuit of that perfect image.  And it does matter.  
  the stoic girl had always been the strongest person i had known and i watched her slowly melt like a popsicle that someone didnt lick enough on a hot day in august melting away as she recounted the evils that she had inflicted on innocents to make herself feel better about herself and in the mememewoeisme meltdown i saw for a second in the pile of white crispy bones who she really was and decided when my beer was done that so was i you know not wanting to be rude and all        
  Have you ever been set up by a friend?  Have you ever looked at your date, and thought to yourself, "There is not enough liquor in the world to make me want to sleep with this person."  Have you ever woke up, arms still wrapped around the naked body of the thing you slept with the night before and thought, "I guess I was wrong."  Is it better to try to wipe the whole thing from your memory? Or to shift the blame, and kill the lowlife who set you up?  
  Its a nice satuday night near the end of October during my senior year of High School.  That week it had rained a lot and it had been getting colder everyday.  Anyway that night i say to my friend lets go to AJ's (a family water park that has been closed for a number of years.)  While we're there we are having lots of fun, running on abandoned water slides with grass growing through the cracks, hanging out by the old wave pool.  And this whole time we are trying to find something to bring back home with us, but this place has had so many little thieves come through it that we can't find anything to take with us aside from rocks.    Eventually we make our way to the old lazy river, no where near resembling what it was like in our childhood.  We make our way into the restroom, its completely trashed, it looks like someone took a sledgehammer to the toilet seat.  The doors are barely on their hinges.  Porcelain littering the floor.    I leave the restroom first and i find this square pit in front of me.  I look in, it appears to be about 4 ft deep, i jump in.  Apparently at 4 ft is where all the rain water started, i was very suprised when i continued down several more feet.  When i hit the bottom the water is up to my chest, im about 6 ft tall, making the hole to be about 9 ft deep.  I yell to my friend for a little help.  My clothes sponged up a ton of water, i had another 30 lbs added to me, i couldn't jump high enough to pull myself out, and when my friend try to pull me out we just cut up our arms on the cement edges.  There i was stuck in hole filled with freezing october rain.  My friend is running around frantically trying to find something to throw down there.  All he could find was a cinderblock.  It didnt help.  Finally he rips of a bathroom stall door which i use to climb out.  Im freezing and afraid im going to get hypothermia, so i strip down to my boxers and im wrapped in this blanket my friend had in his car.  That's when the cops decided to show up.  We cooperated, told them our story, had them our IDs and wait in the car.  When he comes to return our IDs he says: "I don't know what you guys were doing.  I don't want to know what you guys were doing but i never want to see you guys here again."   
  I was sort of shy in high school, but played water polo in spite of this   mostly bench time.  So imagine how mortified I was at this next story.  Away game has ended, 10th grade, and we re all getting on the bus to come home from El Segundo (about a 40 min. ride).  I feel some rumbles in my stomach as I m climbing the bus steps, but feel I can wait to hit a bathroom and drop a deuce until I get back to school.  Boy, was I wrong.    About 5 minutes into the ride, lunch was screamin  to get out.  I was sweating, and nauseous after another 10 minutes.  The dragon had to fly, and there was no stopping it.  So I saw a bank on the right side of the street and figured, they d have an emergency bathroom so I told the driver I was going to puke.  He said  not in my bus!  and just pulled over, like 200 yards from the Promised Land, the BofA up the street.  So I had to run that distance to the bank, crap starting to drip, finally made it but alas - found the door locked!  The bank had closed 5 minutes before.  I loudly knocked on the door, but they wouldn t let me in.  So I ran around the side of the parking lot, where the bus couldn t see me (but oncoming traffic had a birds eye view!), went behind a 2-foot bush (hardly cover), lowered my pants, bent over, and sprayed the side of the bank!  It wasn t pretty, and wasn t clean, so I had to leave both my undies AND my socks in the dirt!  All of this w/a traffic jam watching gaping mouthed!    The upside is that I ve never known relief like that!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she walked over and said my friend lisa wants to buy you a beer  whats your name said he to she in his best i have a cock bigger than tom jones  oh im just some bimbo ok what are you drinking a bud said he  five minutes later a rather tall large man in a blonde wig handed him a beer and said hi im lisa these are the looks that are priceless  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read somewhere that the average male attains his sexual prime at the age of 17 years and 4 months...  ...and retains it for 1 hour and 22 minutes.  
  lowbrow: witnessing your friend, on halloween, dressed "as a baby," in nothing more than a diaper, beating the living shit out of some meathead.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Snacks smuggled into the movie taste so much better than they do at home.  As do blow jobs in the same place.   
  Has you seen the commercial with Ms. Piggy & Kermit ordering breakfast specials? It's an IHOP maybe or a Denny's. Anyway, the camera cuts to Ms. Piggy, who makes some dry comment, then cuts to an overflowing plate of pancakes, sausages and bacon. Am I the only one that realizes if Ms. Piggy eats that she's a cannibal?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I use Biore pore strips on my ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I arrived on a scene of a man with severe abdominable pains.  He was laying on the floor blood covering the backside of his pants.  I asked for paramedics before they arrived I was asking him normal questions, one was what hurts.  He said it was his ass.  I said well...did you put anything up it and he said yes.  I asked ...What.  he said a vibrating cellphone.  I tried not to laugh but, damn a vibrating cell phone.  He said he tried to pull it out with vise grips and thats when the bleeding started.  When the paramedics arrived i was on the floor laughing at this poor fellow.   I almost got fired.  
  at the very fucking least i provide fodder for other peoples bad jokes said he he wore it like a merit badge        
  I saw the spicy chicken jambalaya mush that someone brought to the birthday party, 3 times that night.  I was really drunk.  Once when I happily ate it. Twice when I threw it up in the after-party's backyard. and 3 times, on the tissue I used to blow it out of my sinuses.  I'd eat it again.  
  take then handset, put it back on the phone. take the handset, put it back on the phone. take the handset, put it back on the phone...nothing.  why does the friggin cord gets all twisted ONLY when you're not paying attention ? is there some kind of handset leprechaun messing with our phones ?  
  i have been known to make extremely pornographic snow-people.      my mother raised me to be such a nice girl.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I never had any desire to stick a toothbrush in my ass until I started coming to this site.  thanks lowbrow!  
  Alright guys, just as bad (if not worse)as the female limp starfish, is the male limp starfish.  Just lying there doing nothing, letting me do all the work.  For you more obsessive browers, it's the same guy that told me off for initiating a blow job during an Eddie Murphy video.  And also had a go at me for 'breaking his balls' when I suggested we go to his room for a little 'quiet time' together.  He's long gone, in case you're curious...    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was home alone one night, bored and horny. I looked over at the dog and got a good idea. So I put some dog food on my crotch and let the dog lick it off. My mom came home and found me. We haven't spoken of that moment ever since.  
  Drinking Story  Dorm buddies all think they can drink. Frat party with upside down 'ritas and a 2 story beer bong.(Free booze) I had weed (of course) About a gallon of beer at 20 mph & 8 or 10 marg while sittin' in a barber's chair. By 11pm everybody's stumbling drunk 'cept me I'm just getting warmed up. Pussies. Picture next morning everybody pukin' while I'm sleeping the sleep of drunks. Bastards even used one of my shirts to clean up hurl. Dickheads couldn't even look me in the eye after they washed thier fucking stinking faces.  
  My buddy was arguing with his girlfriend on the phone, so in an attempt to make him laugh, I started to draw nipples on this chick in a magazine with a felt tip pen.  There is nothing like getting caught by your boss while blowing some chicks nipples dry.  
  There I was, third grade, shiveringnaked trying to get dressed after the pool party.  The door opens.  It's my friend's sister.  She points and laughs.  When it couldn't get worse, she called some other friends over to come and laugh at me.  This is the root of my inadequacy problems today.  
  I'm going to a formal event with a neighbor acquaintance solely for three reasons: it's fun to get dressed up, it's a free bar, and to lie outrageously to complete strangers.  I really need to get cable television, it would be so much easier entertainment.  
  She was my best friends girl. I said I am going home to turn the lights on. She said I am coming with. Whe ended up fooling around and me loosing my virginity. She kept her shoes on. I still have a shoe fetish  
  And then she asked him: "Don't you wanna smell my vomit-encrusted nosering?"  
  i find it kinda funny when the cashier says to you: "have a nice night" after you just purchased a box of condoms.  
  They said 'froggin ashpole' on Fox.  Sometimes censorship is just as funny as profanity.  
  One night leaving the first city saloon in Ketchikan I was attempting a  20 point turn to get my gargantuan truck out of their microscopic back lot. Midway I notice two people screwing in some broken down, late 70's transamish poor white trash mobile.  I roll up on them with the high beams. Why should they have all the fun? I can't belive they stopped.  That's the problem with k-town. No commitment!  
  It was one of those moments of clairity during a really good high.  I stopped and thought to myself "Do I still have a goatee?"  I reached up and felt my chin.  "Yes, yes I do."  The clairity lasted long enough to tell everybody what'd just happened.  Then, straight back to the dizzying stuper (sp?) that is mary jane.  
  So I was on Royal Carribean's flagship, and I was fairly drunk.  I complained about needing to find a woman to cuddle with, and she replied, "I'd cuddle with you."  I thought, thought, and thought again, before I replied, "You're my cousin, it doesn't count."   I still regret saying that.  
  four-ninety-five  chinese buffet  all you can eat  the bathroom stinks of MSG    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  A girl I had just met thought that I was checking out her ass.  Actually, I'm over 30 and what I was doing was trying to figure out how tall she was.  I don't want to have kids with a short woman-- all our kids will be short.  
  Speaking of people getting forign symbols tattooed on there sorry hide...  I worked with a Japanese girl, Madoka, at a store once. A alterna-I'm-tough-cause-I-listen-to-Ani-Defranco chick came in in her tank top and braids and pink hair. Between her shoulder blades was a Japanese symbol--     Madoka said to the girl-- "That's a nice tattoo"     "It's the symbol for WOMAN!" The Grrrl groweled and then left.      Madoka started laughing.       "What," I asked.       "That's the symbol for the women's toilet in Japan..."  
  Lindsay and I once walked into a room where a friend of ours was sleeping.  He had a hard-on, a little tiny one.  We laughed our heads off at the size because we're vicious women.  A couple months later another friend of mine is seized by the urge to fuck the boy with a baby prick.  I tell her about his little penis.  She actually thanked me for the warning.  She fucked him anyway.  
  Everyone at the bar was sitting with their elbows resting on the padded edgeof the bar.  It was a luxury, and it was as if the creators had envisionedthe comfort of the drinkers that eventually might use it.  An owners manualwas not necessary.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  So I was in the local Wegmans, an dI saw that they had thsoe really really good Jelly Belly jellybeans.  I didn't feel like paying 5 bucks a pound fort he damn things, so i stuffed my pockets and tucked in my shirt and filled that up too. So I'm walking towards the exit, when this store security dude sorta pops outta nowhere and starts asking me all these questions, about stealing food and stuff.  Then he pokes me in the "gut" (actually about 9 pounds of jellybean goodness).  He kinda stares in amazment as his finger sinkins in, then starts shouting at me and grabs my arm.  I start to run, and I'm actually OUT THE DOOR, when I slip on some black ice and fall.  Jelly beans everywhere.  Probably about 50 dollars worth.  I still got away, but I only had like, 1, 1 1/2 pounds of jellybeans left.   Ah, memories...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had just moved into a new place, and was drinking white russians with one of my new roomates.  It had been a long day, and I had a nice glow going (maybe a bit more).  Suddenly, out of nowhere, she states that when she was younger she made out with one of her cousins.  I was alarmed by the sudden change in tone of the situation, and was overcome with waves of paranoia and fear about what would happen to my golden glow.  Desperate to change or negate the subject, I blurted out "Thats ok I made out with the dog".   
  As I went to close the blinds in my bedroom, I looked out the window, only to see the old lady next door changing into her nightie. She saw me too. I panicked, and closed the blinds.  That was probably all she needed to convince her I was a pervert.  
  So I heard on the radio this afternoon that in 1992 there was a containership full of rubber duckies that lost a container in a storm.  Now there are an estimated 50,000 rubber duckies floating around in all the oceans of the world.  They've been found as far away as the Artic ocean.    God that idea is comforting.  
  then the roosterhead says to me hey you wanna go throw some shoes in the mud so we head out behind the barn true story hi rooster        
  A girl that graduated from high school the same year I did is 'featured' in a series of short porn clips on a website. I was pretty much the last graduate from that year to know. Apparently her brother was actually going around telling people at one point.   She has a different name on the site, of course, but it's definately her, the nose is a dead give away, being that its huge and indentical to the yearbook. What the yearbook didn't show was how nice a body she had though.   That wasn't the lowbrow part.  The lowbrow part is that this is the exact same girl who was/is waiting tables at my parents favorite resturaunt. They know her. They actually asked me if I remembered her last summer (before I knew about the porn). She's their favorite waitress.   I should tell them, but as far as my parents will EVER be concerned, there is no porn on the internet. none.    
  so I'm sitting there in english class, and we've just started working in groups of four.   My group consists of the smartest guy in the year, the smartest girl in the year, the smartest girls' friend, and myself, the person fucking the smartest girl in the year.  I feel a cough come on, and politely cough into the crook of my elbow.  I look up, and all three are looking at me like I've sprouted an extra head.  "what, never heard a person cough before?" I demand.  The other guy shakes his head "It's not that -- I've just never seen anyone cough up a lump of phlegm that big before and not notice..."  Anyone got a spoon? Or a gun?  
      for years i've been planning to get this old julien stranger graphic tattoed on my calf.  this morning i saw this guy that already had it, and i realized that it looks really lame.  whew!!!!    
  They filed in, one by one: the chick with electric blue hair (oh so obviously a wig), the lanky boy with lankier hair, the potbellied cokebottle glasses guy, the two Gap ad model rejects, the two that seemed out of place.  The fact that several of them were wearing t-shirts from software companies (jesus, one even had a shirt with a DOS prompt on it) made them instant targets of scorn and ridicule from the table full of hipsters across the room.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I found this band called "After Any Attack" and they have a song called "Dying on the Toilet is only Glamorous if you're the King of Rock and Roll."  Ain't that the truth.  
  Once when I was sixteen I told my friend, Howie, that I didn't know how he did it.  He asked what I meant.  I told him that if his sister, "Goose," was actually *my* sister I would fuck her every single day.  A week later I made good on that statement.  Howie stopped talking to me and moved out of his parents house a month after that.  
  the moment: halloween 2000  dressed in a wood nymph costume (leaf covered tube top and hot pants) with no place to keep my smokes other than in the waistband of the hotpants. after drinking several glasses of franzia(low brow in itself) i head off to the bathroom to take a piss with anotherdrunk girl in tow. after finidhing up the buisness i look down into the bowl and see my  camels floating. in my drunken state i decided the fact to fish them out and then proceded to smoke the dry ones, the lowbrow thing is that it wasn't just me the other girl who was there the whole time had a few of her own.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The girl is wearing a set of jeans so low-cut in the front that it's obvious she's either shaved down there or very neatly trimmed.  She's eating potato chips and slowly, deliberately licking the salt off her fingers.  She's wearing a shirt that says "EAT ME."  She can't be more than fifteen years old.  Classy.  My friend looks at her, looks at me, and opens his mouth to speak.  "No," I say before he can even get started.  
  I really hated high school, and my own high school in particular.  I had about as much school spirit as a box of rocks.  This eventually formed itself into my own semi-passive war on the school.  By senior year, I was sabotaging school elections with stealthy distribution of fliers demanding the write in vote for that Hank the drunken dwarf character that Howard Stern always tried to get onto the 50 most beautiful people list.  My main area of focus though, was attempting to fuck up pictures in the year book.  Basically, whenever the year book photographers were taking pictures, I would try and make something hilarious/illicit go on in the background, figuring that worse case scenario, the picture is unusable, best case, it ends up in the year book for the delight of all.  Usually managed to do this without my identity being clear, just because my school was an incredibly uptight, catholic, everything = bad, expulsion for all sort of thing.  None made it into the yearbook (from what I hear), but in the senior video shown during our that pre-graduation thing (Baccloreat mass or something like that) and distributed to all seniors, you can clearly me grabbing my buddy's ass behind these two chicks.  I find it mildly disturbing that my proudest accomplishment in high school is getting photographic evidence of myself grabbing another guy's ass... but I have no regrets.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i've reached a new low of things i've done while drunk.  i shaved my asscrack  i no longer have a hairy, white ass. now its just a white ass. goddamn.  and it itches too  
  When I was about 10 I had this dream that my mom was at the top of the stairs beckoning me to perform oral sex on her.  She had a penis.  Does that mean I'm some kind of freak?  
  My friend and I are in the library studying for bio or cal or something.  He tells me hes giving up masturbation for Lent.  Buddy, I tell him, its like 40 days, it cant be done. He says he'll just stop looking at porno. I guess hes really giving up two things for Lent then.       
  My very first memory was when I was about a year old.  My father had these Pioneer speakers and the tweeters had realy tall domes on them.  I pressed the dome in and showed it to my father because I thought it was neat. Man he shure flipped out on me and to this day say's I'll need thereapy for it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i have this friend named andy in highschool, who had a famous glow-in-the-dark trick.  so everyone would get together in somebody's basement and smoke pot and sit around and then andy would say (to anyone who hadn't seen it yet) "wanna see my glow-in-the-dark trick?"  and of course the newbie would say yes and all of us who'd seen it before would say yes. and we'd turn out the lights.  andy would shuffle around, and then a few seconds later, when nothing happened, he'd say, "wait, it's not working." and someone would turn the light on.  and andy's balls would be about an inch from the newbie's face.  and neither glowed in the dark anyway.  but one time he did it to this really popular girl and she threw up. last time she ever came to one of our parties.  
  This really hot cheerleader and I made a deal. If I learn how to do the splits by the end of the month, she'll put on a lacy lingerie ensemble of my choice and let me take pictures.   I practice for six hours everyday after school.  
  So my friend tells me that this other girl we know has a new boyfriend.  She tells me several things about him, including that they are very serious, that she and the girl got in sort of an argument because the girl ditched her for the boyfriend, and that the boyfriend doesn't like my friend... This was about 2 weeks ago.  Last night, the subject comes up again. At some point in the conversation, my friend mentions that the boy has one eye. And not only that, he lost the eye from a gunshot wound.  Now, I just don't understand how that wasn't the first piece of information she would give me about this person. I feel like it at LEAST warrants a spot in the top three...She told me all that other stuff and neglected to mention the ONE EYE!   
  So my friends and I were sorta-watching Cita (I think that's her name . . . you know, the computer-generated DJ on BET), and somebody had written a letter- basically, "I am a big fan. I am also a lesbian. What do you think of that?"   My friends immediately started to flip out. "What does it matter what she thinks? She doesn't exist! If you have to write to obviously fictional characters to validate your sexual identity, kill yourself now because you have no reason to live! That's like writing to Bugs Bunny: 'Dear Bugs: I am gay. Seriously- I love cock. What is your opinion on this? I would like to know because sometimes you dress like a girl bunny on your show and I thought that might mean something.'"   But later I started to wonder what they had cut out of that letter to make it fit for TV. Normally I believe strongly in fantasizing about animated characters, but propositioning Cita? No way.   
  The birth of my nickname...  3am:  Stumble into house completely wasted. My housemates are still awake. Two of our friends are in our kitchen rolling spliffs. After a brief discussion about homestarrunner.com, i place a bag on my head, grab a bun, and some cheese, jump onto a couch and declare to the world "I am Strongbag! Dont touch my buns or cheese!" and collapse there.  Life hasnt been the same since...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't know what's going on, but looking up how to start a phone-sex conversation and getting a webpage for Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu is just too creepy.  
  Best restaurant in Edinburgh.  I run the disco downstairs.  Some Scottish Upper Class Twit has his 21st birthday party in the disco, inviting easily 100 Scottish Upper Class debutantes and their snooty dates.  Everybody tries to sound like they are actually English, of course, because being Scottish is a taint on your character.  My daddy was a coalminer, then a Jap POW, then a haunted, workingclass, pussywhipped, silent shadow.  On instructions, I make 30 gallons of Moet & Chandon champagne punch.  Nothing to put it in, so I get an enormous mixing bowl from the kitchen, balance it on a large ashtray, put it on the bar, and make the punch.  It takes two hours of "eh, oi say! Could yew serve us?" and having some Tiffany ask her Donald to call me over because "I need another onion... oh, no, never mind."  I wish video cameras had been invented.   The Great Champagne Punch Flood.  They let me finish my shift before firing me.  
  I enjoy sitting in a hot bath for 30 to 45 minutes.  My family thinks I'm masturbating.        
  i was eating at a family barbeque. we've invited the couple who live across the road with their five year old son.  as i'm eating a drumstick i drop my fork and lean under the table to fetch it, only to discover that the kid is sitting with his dick hanging out of his trousers, whilst casually muching on some chicken.  not only do i lose my appetite, but i also lose all inclination to see these people ever again.  
  We were eating on the porch of a sea side restraunt in Catilinia.  The woman at the table next to me tells me not to order the seafood salad because she's certian that they use imitation crab.   He looks at me and says "you know, imitation crab is really the hot dog of the sea food world." Now I'm anxiously awaiting tofu imitation crab.    
  And then there was the time in 6th grade, when I got so mad at my best friend (although she wasn't really my best friend; we just hung out together because nobody else in the class wanted to hang out with us), that I paid the school bully five dollars in lunch quarters to beat her up.  He took my money and never did.  
  my roommate informs me that there is a chip product called "munchies."  it consists of all salty chip varieties (sun chips, doritos, lays, etc).  i just loaded up my hooka.  my god, my  night is booked.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in elementary school the bus driver yelled at me and i told him to lick my balls. he said he would, if they weren't in-between my ears. everyone laughed but i cried.  
  i really wish he would have let me remain blissfully ignorant.  there's nothing romantic about sex toys after you learn that they were originally used on some other girl.  
  I got a belly button ring... Notice Me!  I got my eyebrow pierced... Notice Me!  I got my hair dyed 10 colors.. Notice Me!  I got tattoos all over my body... Notice Me!   I'm doing the phony 'gay voice'... Notice Me!         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other night I was drunk and I told my ex-girlfriend that she was the best sex partner I've ever had. The strange thing is that I haven't said that to  every  girl, just most of them.  
  Last night as I lay down to sleep I repeated the mantra "sex with jennifer love hewitt...sex with jennifer love hewitt" over and over hoping to inspire a sex dream with her in it.   Instead I dreamt of being in the army and having all my teeth fall out into my hand.   What the fuck kind of cruel joke is that?  
  Talking about masturbation with Dan Bondarev in eight grade, and he says, "Once man I whacked off 20 times in one day! 20 orgasms!"   His initially ear-to-ear grin slowly faded as I stared at him in horror and disbelief. "Are you kidding me?" I ask.  The benighted boy failed to detect the reverence and undertones of admiration in my voice, and in an attempt to play it off naturally he quickly blurted out, "No no, I'm just kidding, just kidding man."  Whatever. He really must have. Damn. What a guy.  
  I admitted to my cyberlover something I've never told anyone. I like to put my fingers inside of myself and wipe the light smelling lubrication around my mouth...  He said he wanted to kiss me at that moment... It's so nice to be accepted.  
  On the way home after a particularly heavy night of drinking I was telling my friend what I thought of a girl I knew and how much I wanted to fuck her friends.  Unbeknownst to me my mobile phone, whilst in my pocket, had managed to call her number (why her out of the 50 entries in the phone book I do not know) and my entire conversation was recorded onto her answerphone for her to review at her leisure.  Ooooooops.  
  I was once drunk and catching a deluxe bus to a city 3 hours away with plenty stops in between. Eventually everyone had got off the bus and I was the only passenger going to final destination, I was in the way back of the bus and eyed the bus driver: he looked very concentrated on the road. So I stuck my hands down my pants and masturbated. 4 times in fact. It was very good-something about high speed. Now, knowing what I did and realising that, yes, the bus driver probably glanced over and saw me going at it, only excites me more.  
  A classical lowbrow moment!  I was listening to Franz Liszt's version of St. Saens' "Danse Macabre." I was playing it through my computer, routing it through my synthesizer. I switch it from piano to harpsicord. My wife walks in and says, "That sounds like two skeletons fucking on a tin roof!"   
  My city is boring.   One weekend during college years, I had cut my friend's hair.  He had curly red hair.  I don't know why, but I saved the hair in a ziplock bag and went to Target and sprinkled the hair in random panties in the womens' underwear section.   I giggled like a schoolgirl watching the women find the hair.   Why though???  I think it stems from the fact that I'm an idiot.  
  Getting caught more than once smoking pot at church is funnier than just once.  I didn't think it'd be true, but it got funnier every time we got caught.  Especially the time our youth director could tell we were high, so he looked at me square in the face and started to turn his head upside down...I couldn't help but laugh.  He drove me home early that night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After 3 months away from a computer, I finally get back onto the internet. As I log on to AOL IM, 2 kids pop-up me..."Hey, your lowbrow posts are funny."   I surf over to lowbrow, and the first moment that comes up is one of mine.  Some days I think I haven't left anything behind...that there is no mark on the work that is uniquely mine...that maybe I haven't made a difference.   Then I remember lowbrow.   Oh well, if I have no better purpose in life than to make a group of anonymous internet users laugh, so be it.  
  Everyone who scratches their ass or crotch, then smells their fingers, raise your hand.  Hey...my armpits smell funny too, how about that.  And I don't even have to scratch them to get the effect.  
  Diogenes, the ancient Greek philosopher was once reprimanded for masturbating in public, to which he replied, "Would that, by rubbing my belly, I could ease my hunger"  Ancient Lowbrow.  
  A guy walks out of the bathroom, packing a soft-pack of cigarettes on thepalm of his right hand. "It's just like the airport, it flushes for you."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was drinking with some friends in my basement. I had a little too much Ruble Vodka. That harsh alcohol in combination with Doritos made me throw up. My friends thought it was hilarious.  "Hey Alan, why don't you lie on your back so you can choke on your own vomit?"  I decided lying back would be a great way to spite him. The next day I woke up in my bed with vomit all over my shirt.  Spite will let you know who your friends really are. Who is laughing now? Asshole.  
  I went into the same convenience store every day for six months to buy my cigarettes.  It was Summer now, and the couple who owned the store had thier out-from-school daughter manning the cash register. This girl, by the way, is no older than twelve. Maybe younger... There's laws against this, right?  So, anyway, the owners this store are off to one side, stocking the gum shelves, or somesuch, and I place my order for my brand of smokes. This little girl sells me the cigarettes and, as she's handing me my change, says to me snidely, "My friends at school would laugh at you because you smoke and that's stupid."  Without even a half a thought, I retort loudly into her startled face, "I also drink, use drugs, and have unprotected sex, but you wouldn't know about that, either!"  I was out the door before her parents could turn around.  I don't shop there anymore.  
  I used to shoot bottle rockets at my neighbor's dog when I was in high school.  My dad found out.  He asked me to show him the best angle.  
  We sat on the couch and smoked what seems to be the mandatory-after-sex-cig.    ::Long Silence::   Him: "Do you have those games on your computer where you shoot guys?"  Me:  "No."  ::Longer silence::  Me:  "Do you?"  Him:  "Naw."  Ah, the classic awkward after-sex-got-nothing-to-say convo.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just put my hand on my crotch, over my pants, closed my legs, pulled out my hand, and gave it a nice sniff.  I need to take a shower!  
  Got an incredible thrill for this guy. Tall. Nice shoulders. Wonderful hands. Beautiful eyes. He's a youngling. Can't be more than two years out of university.  I've always wanted my foreplay to start with the words "Here little boy, want a chocolate-chip cookie".  Embrace the cliche!  
  Just for curiosity, I decided to go to www.ijustgotfired.com to see if Limbo was on there or what not.  I was doing this with many people sitting around me.  And what does it do, it pulls up a fucking porn site!  This wouldn't have mattered as much if I wasn't at work with my boss behind me.  He didn't believe my excuse.  What's lowbrow is all the while I was being chewed out I was thinking I'm going to have to go home and check it out later...  
  Today is one of those days that I cannot wait for work to end.  One of those days that I look forward to that cold one that's waiting at home for me.  And with any luck, she'll be holding a beer...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  It was the beginning of the year, and I had just spent a week with my parents' car and the dog.  Best week I've had in a long time.  I had to rush back to my "home town" because my mom had organized a surprise party for my brother's birthday.  Five hours non-stop in the car with my dog.  I was sure he had to crap.  So we get home, and first thing I do is take him for a walk.  No results.  So I go to the kitchen to call my mom to say "I'll head out once the dog shits."  As I'm talking to her, I notice my dog is walking out of the kitchen when he squats just like when he's about to shit.  I ditch the phone and get the dog outside.  He still doesn't shit.  So I decide to walk around with him until he does, then I can go.  We've been walking for about 15 minutes, when I decide to call my mom back.  She asks me where I am and I reply "I'm waiting for the dog to shit.  I know he has to!"  I still have no idea why it took him so long to decide that he actually wanted to shit.  Maybe he knew I was going once he was done.    Maybe he just got stage-fright.  
  tasty bite.  the ramen noodles of the over 30 set.  
  This morning instead of getting up to eat breakfast, I washed out a dirty bowl (old mac n cheese) with a dirty sock and then proceeded to eat mac n cheese from that bowl... lowbrow you say? fuck it, I dont care  
  [my fecal contribution]  friendly advice: keep a nice bottle of baby powder [cornstarch is the best] on hand.  i dont care how old you are, or how cool you are - remember kids, diaper rash strikes without discrimination.  matter of fact, it's currently ruining my day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So boss, about your new janitor...  In the morning, we were downstairs eating our complimentary breakfasts, and he comes in to get some coffee.  He looks at the TV and makes some stupid remark about the dodgers, and trips on the coffee machine cord.  It teeters on the edge of the counter so he grabs it by the base for some reason, which causes boiling hot coffee to slosh out the top onto his forearm.  So he yells, "Ow, fuck!" and jumps back, letting go.  So now the coffee machine falls completely, tipping forward towards him, and belches steaming coffee all over his legs and shoes when it hits the floor.  I tried so hard not to laugh in front of him, but I had to.  He tried to act like it didn't hurt.  Poor bastard.  Kind of.    And then later that day, he's sweeping the office floor and somehow knocks his trashcan over and ends up getting it on his head.  I don't know.    
  driving down a busy downtown street.  traffic weaving, speading, stopping, honking.  notice:  crippled dude in a manual wheel chair rolling along in the bus lane.  all I can think is:  "aren't you crippled enough?" "did your settlement money from last time run out?"  god I am such a bitch.  
  My wife and I work in the same center. One night I made bratwursts for dinner. Real tasty with onions and green peppers. She told me the next day she was in her cube a let off a silent fart. Right about then someone walked in, looked around, and said, "It smells like food or something over here.."  Oh man, we still laugh about that.  
  Once I got really drunk and on a bet picked up a cd case with my anus.  I did it, too.  The image of me naked squatting over it must have been priceless  
  just read some other dudes moment about how he pissed in the porta-john sink at his brothers wedding by mistake, and it reminded me of a time i did something kinda like that....  it was this like, anual festaval thing, and so the city had decently nice porta-johns, and they had sinks.  i clearly noticed a whole set of "real" portable sinks just out side the whole row of joys johns (local brand name.  i shit you not)  these sinks were metal, and had nice clean water and so forth.  i decided that anybody who would use the sink in the john deserved it, so i pissed there instead of that nasty ass bowl.  ive done it ever since when i have the chance, too.  i think im secretly afraid that some sort of putrid blue shit/tampon/hypadermic needle water down there will splash out somehow and land on my unit...and that would be *SO* gross....  yea, so there!  
  My friend, went to the liqour store near our house, to get some beer to read lowbrow to. Tired of the rut of Sam Adams and Guiness we were falling into we were looking for something new.  In the middle rack...   toward the top...  there it was...  Lowenbrau.  It was a sign, we had to get it, we purchased 24 bottles of the stuff.   It sucked. But we still have the beer bottles for the sake of the name.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So last night I was sitting in the bar. And they started playing a CD by this guy named Richard (Dick)Cheese. This guy is a lounge singer, but he only does covers. Covers of the songs these kids today listen to. There's some Sublime, some Beastie Boys, some Dead Kennedys, Nirvana, Blink 182, etc. But it's all lounge music. Slowly it dawed on us what we were listening to. Maybe it was when we heard him singing, in a very happy voice, "Rape, Rape, Rape Rape RapeRape, RapeRape Rape, ME!" that we picked up on what was going on.  I now own the CD.  
  Sitting at work...  little to do...  I can only get two bloody lowbrow moments because of the damn work proxy...  I think i'll go home.  
  He asked to spend the night which was cool with us. But it was so hot in the apartment that he went outside to lay on the cool concrete of the courtyard.  The nosey neighbour called the ambulance.  She thought he was dead.  Ya think she could've shook him or somethng before dialing 911.  
  Sitting in my office, I finally decide to let the gasser out that I had been clamped onto for the last hour or so.   That was right about when my two o'clock walked in.  I couldn't tell if she really didn't smell it, or if she was just pretending.  
  I really want to bone someone's mom. Even if she's like 25 and her kid is like 3, close enough. The point is that she has a kid, cos that kid can never, EVER fuck with me. And most people do fuck with me, but I think they would have a hard time topping me if I could honestly say, "Dude, I fucked your mom."  
  My wife and I recently bought a house with a hot tub.  So of course, we have to "christen" it - on the coldest, rainiest night of the year.  We had to stay low, under the water level for maximum warmth.  But dammit, I couldn't finish.  Partly because the sensation of the water swirling around us drowned out the feeling of the sex.  And partly because water is not a lubricant.  
  Lunch:  Crackers  Canned Meat Product  Ingredients:  "mechanically separated chicken and pork"   Couldn't give me the diginity of tearing the bastards up by hand?  
  I was riding the local bus one day when I noticed an old guy staring at me. His clothes suggested homless, but maybe he was just dirty, either way I didnt like him staring.  He then leans close to me and with his foul-ass smelling breath says "you have nice headlights". I guess the grossed out look on my face was misread because he leaned in again and says "You do know what that means right?"   I wanted to hand him some gum and say "You're breath is rank, You know what that means right?"   Scary bus people  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work in a school district warehouse.  This morning while working in the walk-in freezer, I noticed a case of tater tots had split open.  About 6 or 7 tots were scattered about on the floor.  I scooped them bastards up, and tossed them in the microwave in the office.  Five minutes later I'm munching taters.    I taped up the torn open case and sent it out to one of the schools.  
  I just learned that the private security firm who patrols our neighborhood has cut back on the number of cars that cruise us, due to budget cuts.  Now I can get started on that prank list I've been holding off on.  Just in time to avoid reruns on TV this summer.  
  Sometimes when I take a leek I feel like I have to place my hand against my asshole to keep myself from letting out a nugget. Odly this only seems to happen when I'm in a public restroom.   
  "ain't life a bitch sometimes?" was the punchline.  the joke was teabagging my scanner, and emailing the picture with the punchline to my friends.  god bless modern technology.  
  My new boyfriend had never done much of anything before, but when he was done licking me, I was the most satisfied chick on the planet.  "Wow, honey, that was amazing...How'd you know what to do?" His response? "All I need to know I learned from porn."  
  I was playing kickball in 4th grade during recess.  I was fat and not very good, so I was quite shocked when I made it on base.  The first thought that went into my mind was, "Boy, I am glad I am wearing pants!"  I had shit myself on first base.  
  I'd spent the Christmas vacation weeks in Utah with my best friend, her father, and her brother a few years ago. For the first time since I'd been there, I actually ate. We went back to the apartment of a friend of their family's and I was feeling weird and tired.  I followed everybody when they jumped up and ran up the spiral stairs. They went out onto the balcony to wait for the fireworks to start, but I flopped on the carpet in front of the TV to watch the ball fall and welcome the new year. The very second the ball fell, a sick feeling came over me and without warning, I threw up all over the place.  My clothes and the brand new white carpet of these perfect strangers was covered with what I'd eaten that day. Everyone came back into the room from the balcony and stared at me. All I could think of to say was, "um...... I threw up." There was a good moment      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to live in Stonestown. Paid way too much for a 653 sq. foot apt. I shared it with two other dudes. Matt and Mike.  The bedroom had bunk beds and a twin bed. I had the bottom bunk, Mike had the top, and Matt had the twin.  One night, Mike comes home drunk with two chicks. One chick goes right to bed in the living room. Mike proceeds to ask me for the keys to my truck, so he can fuck the fat bitch in the cab. I reluctantly agree.  Two hours later, they come back in. Mike tries to pass this drunk fat chick on to my and matt (matt has girlfriend). WE ARE LIKE HELL NO!  So matt and Mike in the living room discussing shit, and the fat bitch is in mikes bed, above me, talking to me. She's trying to get to sleep with me. I very blatantly tell her that's she's 1)very drunk 2) smells like ass and needs shower and 3)she already slept with Mike and thats enough in it's self to say no.  Two hours later I wake to the a gentle rythm moving the bed. A little squeek would happen at a giving interval. THEY WERE FUCKING 3 FEET OVER MY HEAD! She's a big girl, what if the bed fell?  Mike moved out 3 months after that. Matt and I hid about 4 dozen sheets of paper all over the house in his things, in cabinets, in books, and anywhere else he might look.  They read, "Mike Fucked a Fattie"  
  What's the deal with the fat ugly blonde wench with the tit-job and the huge huge hair who is always on the TNN religious channel? Why is she there at all? Is looking at her supposed to make normal people feel good about their problems, or simply pray to God that she goes the fuck away?!?  
  so i went home today at lunch to take a shit and a couple of bong hits. my roomate was sitting on the couch smokin and watching the exorcist so i joined him. as i got up to take a shit the whole "the power of christ compells you" scene came on.   I thought to myself, that's a nice way of putting it.  so now the next time i get constipated, i'm just going to stand in front of my mirror with a rosary  the power of christ compells me.  
  I was on the bus, coming home from school. This guy was talking to me over his seat, sitting on his knees so he was high up. He kept looking down, I figured he was looking at my necklace. Later I realized my tank-top IS actually pretty low cut as far as tank tops go. That was my first experience with guys trying to look down my shirt. Oh my virgin mind.  
  I actually sat for 2 hours last night debating whether or not 'cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com' is the same person as 'cheerleader@yercrotch.com'.  I decided they must be evil twins.  
  Last night I had a roughneck time. I wandered over to a local University - I think it was Harvard.  I remember being drunk I remember a blonde girl I remember being drunk I remember a redhead I remember being drunk I remember running I remember riding the train home I remember going to sleep just after the sun came up.  The next day i woke up and saw the phone number written on my arm, my tangled hair, my shoes still on. I also saw - dried blood all over my clothing. I looked at my face and didn't see any damage. I lifted up my shirt and saw the bruise on my side.  Then i thought about the blood thinking that it wasn't mine and how that kid should've hit me in the face when he had the chance.  
  About 2 years ago I was dating a guy from my school and he was a virgin.  19 years old, attractive and a virgin.  I was amazed.  Me, being as sexually driven as I am, decided this boy needed his cherry popped.  We started messing around and nothing happened for him.  He was extremely nervous and blamed it on "performance anxiety".  So we decided to try it some other time.  The next time rolled around and I decided to try something else.  I even resorted to going down on him.  Nothing.  So I put on some of my favorite lesbian porn known to make even the most scared little boys go wild.  Still nothing.  Needless to say, we are no longer dating.  Last week I saw him walking down the street holding hands with a rather femme guy, confirming all of my suspicions.  
  im wearing my friends shirt, and i just looked down and noticed that my boobs look enormous i think im going to keep the shirt        
  I college, I still have my magic cards.  The sit in the bottom drawer, and nobody sees them.        
  The University Security guard comes up to me while I'm in the middle of reading a lowbrow post about some kinky anal sex.   "Doing some school work?"  "........kinda...."  He reads the post, gets the weirdest expression on his face, like half-disgusted and half-smirking, and starts walking away.  "Okay....have a fun night..."    
  A while back my best friend really got into coke. I mean he had dealt it and shit but then it really became his "monkey". Turns out he'd been living in his truck and pulling that junkie/jonesie sort of crap and none of us knew how bad it was.  When I found out all this shit, being his best friend and all, I offered to let him stay at my house. I even told him he could crash there for a while if necessary.  The dumbass turned me down but asked if he could park one of those shittly little travel trailers in my driveway and hook-up to my electricity.  Me being the friend I am and knowing this guy needs to get back on his feet, I said, "fuck no!" and told him to take off. I also knew he was close to commiting suicide, but hoped he would have the strength to resist.  Glad to say he's still alive, doesn't do coke anymore, and we've talked about the situation and he is cool with it all.  However, that cocksucker has become a total ass.  
  Naming a strip club the "Booby Trap" is about as classy and subtle as naming it the "Arse Hole."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         VEAL  Just for the shock value, I bought one of those anatomically-correct blow-up sheep.  The guy at the counter asked me whether I'd like sheep-themed condoms to go with it, and I politely declined.  My girlfriend was pissed. Mike & Kevin went to the county fair & saw the real thing, and informed me it was scary how accurate the hindquarters of my new acquisition were. As Jory came down off an acid trip, he swore that the inflatable sheep (now hanging from the ceiling, pi ata-style) was that baby from Trainspotting, crawling across the ceiling to haunt him. I contemplated whether to get rid of it, as it was proving a danger to public health.  But Steve made the matter moot by popping it as he dry-humped it in a drunken fury. Does this count as one lowbrow moment, or multiples?  
  Late on a Friday, I get a phone call from my friend C. She is with her friend T. They are alone on a Friday night because their boyfriends wanted to go out on the town without them. The girls are especially pissed because the guys spent the whole day playing on a computer that T s boyfriend bought with a stolen credit card. I am pissed because I am alone on a Friday night while these two babes are pining over their asshole boyfriends.  They ask if I can tell them how to trash the computer in such a way that they cannot get blamed. I walk them through the fine points of FDISK. It looks like catastrophic disk failure. The best part is that the computer is unreturnable because of the stolen credit card.  It gets lower. T is so impressed with my abilities that she talks her boss into contracting me to take care of his network. The contract was so large that I quit my part-time jobs and started to only work for myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When asked what I liked to do, I said oral. .......  "I like dancing," she replied.     
  A blonde was taking an American History test and the question was: What was the significance of Roe vs. Wade?  The blonde answered: "That was the decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Potomac."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Limbo Gets Married, Part II  We're getting married on short notice (no, she's not pregnant!). From Part I:  Annie's mom is a hell of a businesswoman, and takes the whole thing in stride. She marshals her troops and assigns jobs right and left. She tells me to order a wedding cake, whatever I like (I went very traditional -- four tiers, with a bride 'n groom on the top. The sarcasm went unnoticed).  She also sits me down and announces that I need to invite my family, or at least my dear old mother. Me, trying to visualize the anti-semitic old bitch at a Jewish wedding: "Eh, I'm not sure that would be a good idea..." She overrules me, immediatly grabs the 'phone and demands the number. When it rings, she asks: "What's her name?" Me: "Nettie." Annie's mom, in her best Lawn Gisland Jewish accent: "Hi, Nettie? I'm Annie's mother, and I really want you at their wedding." She listens for a minute. I know what my old mom is doing -- she's playing coy and wheedling for airfare. Annie's mom: "I'll call you back in a minute. Bye." She spends about ten seconds on the phone barking at her ticket agent, then calls my mom back: "Hi again, Nettie. Just show up at the airport and the tickets will be waiting for you." Suckered. The great day arrives, and so do hundreds of people, evenly split between Jews and Japanese (Annie's mom works for Nikon). My racist bigot mom was ready for the Jews, but the Japanese take her by surprise and she just pretends she can't understand them. She gets tiddly immediately (no doubt to wash away the bad taste of having to deal with subhumans), and walks around wishing everyone Happy New Year. She's the hit of the party, as usual, the old bitch. The Jews thank her profusely for having gone to the trouble of researching the Jewish religion. My mom shrugs her shoulders, grabs another whisky, and wallows off to wish someone else Happy New Year. Lucky old bitch -- she had no idea that Rosh-Hashana (the Jewish New Year) had just happened a few days previously.  
  At the zoo yesterday, I was watching the male lion just lie around in a patch of sunlight, when a nurse-type pushed an old lady in a wheelchair up to the glass beside me. We watched quietly for a while, and then a lioness strolled over, which prompted the male to get up, yawn, stretch, and mount her. Boom boom boom, quickly lion sex.  The old lady sat silent through this, then tilted her head back and cackled at the nurse "Goddam, Yuki, did you see the dick on that one?" I hope I get taken to the zoo when I'm 98, too.  
  I deliver newspapers.  Not the most glamorous job, but it gets the bills paid. I get to have fun driving at 3am, swerving on all sides of the road and blowing stop signs while speeding. The cops usually follow me a little, then leave me alone when a paper flies out the window.  Sometimes they're jackasses about it.  One cop decided to pull me over, cherries, spotlight in my eyes, and all, while I was in somebody's driveway. As if he didn't see the papers coming out of the car, he looked in the window.  He then saw all the other papers inside the car, and said: "Oh, sorry.  I was just uh, looking for uh, some kids causing trouble..  Call us if you see them." Me: "You got it." He followed me around a little more, then finally turned and drove away into the darkness. Jackass, I thought. Then two eggs hit my windshield. Why didn't the cop warn me?  
  sometimes, porn is good... sooooo goooood...    but other times, its like chinese buffet on a sunday morning.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           this black guy i slept with a few months back was hung like a fuckin titmouse.    my now boyfriend is vietnamese and is hung like a horse.     my world as i know it is shattered.        
  THE FIRST DAY i have to be back at college i get a small zit on the bridge of my nose. not a bad one, but one of those that makes everything on your face really really REALLY RED! i'm haveing to interact in the most important social event of my life looking like fucking rudolph the rednosed dork.  
  I'm married to a gorgeous model.  Seriously, she's that one girl that when she walks by, everybody turns and stares.  Her body is flawless - Victoria's Secret has begged her and begged her to do their catalog shoots, but she turns them down because she is too demure for that sort of thing.  She gets hit on more, when I'm with her or when I'm not, then a stripper gets dollar bills.  EVERYONE comes up to her and tries their luck, and it pisses me off to no end that even though her arm is around me, they think they can take her away with a cheap line.  Being 19 and 20 years old dosen't help either - people never believe we're married.  My lowbrow moment: reading everyone else's lowbrow moments.  People here have such great sex stories.  True, I might get to fuck my girl each and every way I want, whenever and wherever, but it just dosen't seem as much fun.  And it's still just her.  I don't have enough variety.  I get hit on by girls more just because they see how devoted she is to me and think I must really be something.  And I'm just fucked.  I'm too honest to do anything with anyone else, because I've given my hand and that's the end of that.  SO I miss out on all these great moments I'd like to experience on my own.  I don't know, but here's how it seems: I'm the guy that everyone envies, but I'm envying everyone else.  Damn...   
  I saw the homeless woman today, the same woman who I used to give money and food to all the time.  She recognized me while I was standing outside of work with my friends and she walked up to us, asking for change.    I acted like I didn't recognize her.     
  My friend walked up the stairs from the bathroom. We passed the drummer for the band we had just finished seeing, and she said, "The last time I saw you guys you spit on me." When he went through the motions of drummer mumble for some kind of apology, the wide gap from missing front teeth was made obvious. "No," she said. "That was the moment I fell in love with you."   Five minutes later she was borrowing my last five dollars to go on the road with him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Am I the only one here who thinks the guy who played Harvey on "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" is probably the hottest guy on the planet? I fond my self watching Nickelodeon more often than I deem healthy for a 21 year old, pretty girl. Sigh...   
   Limbo Makes It In America  My first real job is yard-boy at a fancy sports car dealer. Polishing cars, swabbing floors, anything the mechanics don't want to do. I dive into it, eager to prove that I can work as hard as the vaunted Americans. I'm also making $2.50/hour, which is four times as much as my dad ever made. Even though I hit a cop car with a brand-new Alfa Romeo first time I went on an errand, the owner takes a shine to me, and gives me a couple special projects. One day he comes back to where I'm stripping an old "cake-of-soap" Porsche down to the frame, prior to restoration. He watches thoughtfully, then suddenly announces: "You are the best yard-boy I've ever had. I'm giving you a raise to $3.50, and backdating it to when you started working for me." I've made it in America! I can cut it over here! Oh, Brave New World!  
  every time I buy new batteries for my vibrator I am reminded of the sales girl's words:  "use generic brands only.  anything brand name is too strong, it'll short it out."  I just can't help wondering what it would be like to electrocute yourself with a vibrator.   what a way to go...  
     I was in a crowded lecturehall once when a cut a huge, smelly, silent fart.  I thought that no one would figure it out.  A girl sitting behind me and a little to the right tapped me on the shoulder and whispered:  "Do you have to go potty?"     
  My girlfreinds teenage daughter walked in on me while I was masturbating.  That'll teach ya to knock, bitch.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my college career:  I've taken Ecstasy about 15 times.  I've eaten mushrooms over 12 times (once 2 days in a row).  I also grew them for over a couple of years.  On several occasions I've tried (recreationally) coke, dxm, morphine, vicodin, percocet, soma, hash.  I drink most days and smoke weed daily.  In 4 weeks I will graduate with a 3.7 G.P.A. in international management.  Those commercials were right.  Drugs definitely ruin your life.  I could have had a 4.0.   
  "After a whole year of partying at college I was so broke, that in oder to eat my roomates and I researched and exploited the "cocktail circuit" of bars and lounges laying out buffets for their happy hour guests. I would buy a drink only if the stares from the manager/owner were too intense. I can't say I ate like a king, but I was fully fed seven out of seven days. There is no denying I was the consumate sponge."   I like the free bread slices the bread store gives out.  
  Every self-indulgent, drug-abusing bachelor can relate to falling asleep with chewing tobacco in your lip, waking up to horrible dreams of drowning while you cough up the bitter dip syrup trailing down your throat, wiping off your hands and mouth with a bundled up T-shirt that you came in right before falling asleep.  
  how many of you have masturbated while talking on the phone? not neccesarily whacking off thinking about the person you're talking to, just you were wanking it, had to pick up a phone call, and kept on wanking.  well, I bet most of you.  but then - how many of you have masturbated while talking on the phone to your mother?  that would be me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was swimming in the local lake yesterday with some friends of mine.  It was a nice day, so needless to say we were having a few beers.  A little while goes by, and a cop boat (I shit you not) pulls up next to us.  The cop informs us that drinking on the shore is illegal.  Luckily we had stowed the empties.  Of course, it's perfectly legal to drink in a boat ON the lake.  What the fuck is that about?  
  Last night, desperate for a decent toke, I go down to the brewpub.  I'm in luck -- my good friend John is working bar.  Flirting heavily with him is a truly jawdropping hardbodied woman, just flown in from Colorado for a marathon!  I sit down next to her and she and I start talking friendly.   "John?" I say, with eyebrows high and inquisitive.  He looks slightly put on, but we're good friends, so he nods, and goes out to get me a dimebag ( excellent  weed, as it turns out).  I ask her, sincerely: "Is it fun having guys drool over you?"  She smiles knowingly, and says: "Have you known John long?"  Me: "Sure -- he's a really good guy, but everybody says he's selfish in bed. You know -- two pumps and a squirt..."  John comes back, slips me the bag, waves off my money, saying "I trust you."  
  Someone please explain:  1. The toilet paper rings in public restrooms:  Where else in the world would you say "I need protections from germs, hand me some tissue paper."?  2. Washing your hands after pissing:  Most people will happily shove another person's genitalia into their mouth. But touch your own? "Ewww, gross."  Not to mention that most people will only wash in public restrooms, never wasting the time in their own home. (This question obviously excludes those 'browers who end up pissing on their hands while perfoming the task.)   3. Those people who fake washing after pissing by just wetting their hands, like a six year old would.  Why not just shake your hand vigorously to break loose the germs who aren't holding on tight?  You'd accomplish the same thing and not waste the water.  WTF?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            The four of us headed out for a night of gentlemanly entertainment, my expectations high on account of figuring it was one of my last chances as a free man. Unfortunately the Chicken House had been restaffed since my last excursion there, and there were only a couple of lookers dancing that night, mixed in with some flabby Slavic guttersluts.   Things went from bad to worse when the main event came onstage and started shooting ping pong balls all over the goddamn place.   We were just a couple of young men, looking for something to fire up our libidos for the night, and this is what we get, a worn out looking bottled blonde nerf gun? We all sat there for several awkward minutes, sharing the same posture of preperation, awaiting the moment we may have to dodge one of those mucous covered plastic spheres or risk catching god knows what.   At Scott and Matt's suggestion decided that things had run so far afoul that our only salvation would lie in returning to Hub City to hit up the bars, treat some women like objects, and maybe get into a fight.   What you have to understand here is that Scott and Matt do not drink. Ever. It was that bad.   Hours later my legal advisor and comrade in arms is struggling with the brakes of my large American automobile as I sang Johnny Cash and bloodied my knuckles against the roof, all the while explaining to me how the doctor wanted him to get a barium enema because he hasn't been shitting right since getting that ballerina trashed down in Costa Rica.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         had a prince albert, but took it out because my then-girlfriend didn't like it. after the breakup, i decided to put it back in, but i was low on cash, so i didn't want to pay to have it pierced again. i broke a prong off a plastic fork and dug in.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Easter, 2003  My mother bought a wind-up chicken, that shits out jellybeans.  Yay for Jesus!  
  So I'm seeing this really hot chick, and on something like our third date, in my parked car, out of nowhere she jumps on my lap to fuck me.  I was completely surprised, and even though she was super duper looper hot, I didn't want to cause I thought she was cool and I wasn't in a rush.  Mistake # 1.  Mistake # 2: the next day  Her: Look, i'm sorry about last night, I don't know why I did that, it bothered me all day at work today.  Me: It's ok, it's just that if we're going to do it, I want it to be special.  Her: Well I don't want you thinking I'm a slut now or anything.  Me: I don't.  Actually it's kinda cute, how you were so...  Her: So what?  Me: Um, you know, so unrestrained.  Take my advice, never use that word to describe a woman (to her face at least).  
  Roleplaying is not lowbrow. Offering your girlfriend for sexual favors in return for prestige, experience points, or more leniency in character creation, that's lowbrow. Smith tried that once. Luckily, I refused. ~puck~  
       Sitting in the Japanese police station, hopped up on mushrooms, trying to answer the insistant questions of the police officers, who had dragged me down the street and pushed me into a waiting car, after finding me curled up in the tatami section of a crowded restaurant, where I had wandered in seeking divine enlightenment, after leaving my friend, who was also high on shrooms, who I had just mistaken for Tom Cruise and then punched and then licked and then ran away from into the thick holiday crowd, and who was only in the country for 1 week and didn't know any Japanese or the name of the town I lived in or the phone number for the cell phone in my pocket, I am not worried.       Because I know that the two of us are forever cosmically linked and I can summon him at any time just by thinking his name.       David?       ...       Oh shit.  
  My editor just called.  She said my latest piece was great,  all i needed to do was rewrite everything and then it would be perfect.  so i did.  but i kept thinking 'if it was so great, how come i'm sitting here in the middle of the night rewriting every inch of it?'  people are liars, every last one of them.    
  when i was little (well, not so little... 10-11) i thought pubes were really nasty.  however, at that point, i thought it would be just *werid* if i cut them off.    my solution:    i conditioned them.     they were still gross, but at least they were soft.   
  From another moment:  boys, quit bitching about girls not shaving their bush. it's natural and the other alternatives hurt like hell.  brazilian wax? the most painful thing i've ever encountered.  and don't even suggest shaving. you know the itchy feeling you get when you grow a beard? imagine that between your legs.  besides, it keeps us warm in the winter.  - corporate.water@altavista.com  I just want to put in my two cents. Not only do I hate shaved pussies (there's a  real  pedophilia thing going on there guys, if you're honest enough to admit it), but I actually tried it once, when I was sixteen. OK, I don't have a pussy, but I shaved my crotch, just as an experiment. Have you any  idea  how uncomfortable it gets while it's growing back? Jeezus -- I walked around school for the next two weeks looking like I'd been "born in the saddle."  
  I find guys who claim to "fuck all night long" obnoxious.  What girl wants to be fucked all night long?  The ones with leather vaginas?    An hour will do boys.    
  One time in college, I was desperate for money. My lousy tech-support job just wasnt cutting the mustard, thanks to the Camaro payment and child support.   I did a search for "work online from home" (the LAST resort for anyone seeking employment) and actually got an online interview setup to be a chat room moderator. (Hell, I figure that with all the time I spend on the 'net, I might as well do something to get PAID for it...)  I rush home for my interview (which, ironically, was ALSO in a chat session...) and it occured to me that I had never had a job interview in my boxers...at least I got THAT crossed off of my "Things to do before I die" list...  
  My friend walked up the stairs from the bathroom. We passed the drummer for the band we had just finished seeing, and she said, "The last time I saw you guys you spit on me." When he went through the motions of drummer mumble for some kind of apology, the wide gap from missing front teeth was made obvious. "No," she said. "That was the moment I fell in love with you."   Five minutes later she was borrowing my last five dollars to go on the road with him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  i fried some burgers up in baby oil because i couldnt find the extra virgin. wasnt too bad.   
  I pilfered one of my brother's porn videos. I'm a girl. The worst part was when he asked me awkwardly a few months later if I had it. It was one of his favorites. Thank God for high-speed internet.  
  I remember thinking how much this girl looked like the front end of my car.  
  I got stoned tonight and was walking down the hallway of my apartment complex.  It started looking like I was in a first-person shooter type game.  I noticed that all the textures were blurry and dim.  Then I realized that I demand better graphics out of my video games than out of my damn nearsighted eyes.  I had better punish them with monitor radiation.   
  In my yougner adolescent days, I thought biker shorts were cool. The neighborhood bullies thought otherwise. They caught me wearing nut hugging biker shorts one day and decided to have some juvenile laughs at my expense. I was chased around the streets until I ran out of breath. The bullies tackled me and pinned my ankles behind my head. One bully says to the other, "Flick the lump! Flick the lump!" My testicles were on the receiving end of 3 painful snapping blows. Needless to say, I no longer think so highly of biker shorts.  
  She laid down on the bed and pulled her panties aside.  "Have a look, I've got this ingrown hair from shaving," she complained, "It's all swollen and it hurts."  Obeying, I bend a little closer to have a look - said ingrown hair does indeed look like a giant zit or something, and I quietly wish she'd move those panties a little further to the side....  Lost in this thought when she absently squeezes at the ingrown hair and shoots me right in the eye - with PUS.  I guess that's the only time I'll have to take the facial...   
  turns out reverse psychology doesn't work with blow jobs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "So...you dating anyone?" say I after about 2 hours of interesting flirtations and talk.  "Oh yeah, I got a picture of him you wanna see?" says she.  So she has a boyfriend, that doesn't mean she's off-limmits, just gonna take a little more work so of course I say,"Sure"  So she pulls out a picture of her boyfriend...actually a picture of his dick. His gigantic, epic-proportioned, whale dick. I think it was almost as big as a babies arm.  All I can say is,"wow"  All I can think is there is NO WAY I am following that monster.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         9 out of 10 scientists agree that that other scientist is just trying to be different  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my brothers were in town this weekend, and we consumed many free redbull-vodkas at the tragically hip show. sunday morning i get up, look at dave... "jesus man, what happened to your eye?" "you don't remember?" "no, remember wha...?" it is at this point i notice the broken lamp, knocked over ashtrays, and many bruises and scrapes on my own self. i barely remember the lamp going down, but that's it. it would appear that sibling rivalry doesn't vanish once you near thirty. either that or i need to avoid that redbull piss... don't know what the hell i was thinking drinking that shit.  
  I wonder, do the cops in this city hear:  "You'll never take me alive coppers"  as:  "Ok men, shoot to kill"       
  Determining someone's gender from one moment is easy, but once you read a few, that shit'll just confuse you.  
   Fun With Divorce #8  She just had a throat operation, so she's on liquid foods, so I've been feeding her soup for a week. I make her the best mushroom soup ever. Five pounds of mushrooms into two quarts of soup. She: "Wow, this is intense! What sort of mushrooms?" Me: "Just the standard field mushrooms - the white type you get at the supermarket." She: "You must have put tons in -- how much did that all cost?" Me: "??" She, becoming alarmed: "Where did you get them." Me: "I told you. They're field mushrooms. I got them from a field..."  
  Many years ago, I had a huge crush I my next door neighboor. She was 14, I was a mere 12. I grew up w/ her  We decided that summer to "fool around". I'd go to her place, her to mine, or where ever to engage in pleasant acts of sexual nature  One day as we made out, she suddenly stopped. She leaned back and asked me w/ a big smile on her face "Guess how many guys I've given blow jobs to?"  What's more lowbrow...her timing or the fact that I actaully guessed?  
  right now.    i hear people yelling on the floor below me about whether or not i should be kicked out of my fraternity house because all i do is smoke weed and masturbate all day.  this is actually the followup to about two weeks of small neighborhood disturbances directly resulting from my marijuana and masturbation habits.  right now i'm pretty sure this is all just my own paranoid aural fantasty, but if it's not....   shit.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend is a work-at-home dad.  His wife is a lawyer.  She's hot.  Sometimes they flirt on the internet while she's at work.  Once I was at his place early waiting for him to shower so we could go do some guy shit while the kids were at school.  He comes out to find me at his computer.  He sneaks up behind me, sees what I am doing, and asks, "Are you cybering my wife?"  "Yes," I say.  "Sorry."  But I wasn't.  It's not like she was cheating on him anyway.    She was probably thinking of him the whole time.  I fail to see the problem.  
  My roommate and I (hi, Laura!) had been flirting for a while, so we went swimming in the creek that feeds Taughannock Falls, just above Ithaca, NY.  Swimming quickly turned into skinny- dipping, which quickly turned into lying in the warm, shallow water and making out.  The stream-bed rocks were smooth, and covered with stuff that looked and felt like black velvet -  very  luxurious.  Wonderful afternoon.  Until we noticed that the "black velvet" was sticking to our skin, and was actually black fly larvae...   
  my pad is giving   me  a  WEDGE!!  
  at a certain jesuit college that shall remain nameless i walked into the bathroom of the dorm one night to find kite as un high as a in the dark in the shower holding a candle and drinking a beer with his sun glasses on what the fuck says i to he the flourescent light is really bad for your eyes said he bullshit says me and flick the switch he rips off his glasses and stomps across the tiles to the switch ripping off his glasses and spewing expletives i see his basketball sized pupils and realize hes dropped more acid than even god could handle i apologize he was probably right but i think the stricnyne sp by products alone will kill him  never mine the blindness         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When pedigree markets beef chunks in a thick, brown sauce, it's dog food.  When Campbells does it and adds potatoes, it's called "chunky soup." Oh, and on its way out, it looks and smelles just like dog shit, too. Just so you know.  
   The Most Beautiful Woman In The World (part 3 of 3)   Me: "Guinness please, and let me buy a drink for the lady down the bar."  Barmaid looks, does a double-take: "The one with all the guys around her?" She gives me a "fat chance, old guy" look as she walks over.  Within ten seconds, Megan has her arms tight around me. We talk about how she's coming along since discovering her boyfriend cheating on her (moron!), then she gets swallowed up again by her full-court press of young guys.  I stop by to say goodnight. She launches herself at me.  Megan: "Oh, I  love  you, I just  love  you!"  Me: "Oh, gosh -- don't say that!"  Megan: "It's  true!  You're a wonderful man! I love you!"  This is past the wildest-dream scenario. Being a realistic chap, my ambition had been maybe a diet of twice-a-month hugs from this astonishing creature. My mouth is at her ear, so:  Me: "Can I invite you out, then?" She hugged even tighter.  Megan: "Oh, thank you! I get asked so often, but they are all young boys. You are a real man! Things are really confusing for me right now. I just need a little time."  We talk some more, then I walk out three feet off the ground.  I'm almost home before I finally parse everything she said, and realise that I've just been brushed off in the  nicest  way imaginable...  
  "yes can i get a chicken sandwich, medium fries, and a medium sprite please" ... "ok would you like something else?" "no.. i want a chicken sandwich, medium fries, and a medium sprite" "ok what size fries sir?" "MEDIUM" "would you like to superisize that?" *sigh*  
  i have these fake playboy bunny ears.  he has a santa hat left over from christmas.  he wanted me to wear the ears.  so i made him wear the hat.  halfway through the act i had this fucked up mental image of santa claus doing the easter bunny and burst out laughing  
  Outside on break i over hear this conversation: "Ya, I used to be thin but I had to quit shooting herion when I found out I was pregnant.  Now im kinda big."   If thats not bad enough, I look down and there are four big macs infront of her.  Lady, I dont think its lack of drug usage.  Flicked my cig and went back up to work.  Ahh what a life.  
  Palindromes.  A man, a plan, a canal; a proctologist.  Madam, I'm Ralph.  Taco Dog.  Did mom poop?  Mom peed.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just read a 'brow about holding pee. I have a personal record and I would be curious as to whether anyone has beaten it.  Two years ago I did this thingy called the Duke of Edinburugh Award. For those of you who don't know, it involves doing community service and shit, and also attending two survival camps. Now, when we embarked on the second one of these, I had only been camping twice before, and the experiences I had with peeing in the wilderness weren't something I wished to repeat (I'm female, so it's tricky). So I figure, what the hell, I can hold it.   This camp was five days long.  I barely ate anything, so there weren't any shit issues, but it was the middle of summer, and (as recommended) we were drinking a minimum of two litres of water per day.  People knew of my plan to not pee. They laughed. I watched my friends trundle into the bushes armed with toilet paper time after time. I held as I had never held before. I was getting stomach cramps. Still I held. It started raining, water dripping everywhere. I nearly cried, but still I held. After five days, I was still holding, and the bus pulled into Maccas. I raced for the toilet.   I peed for seven minutes straight.  It was the greatest thing ever.  I can't even decide what the most lowbrow thing about this is, but I think it's that holding for five days is one of the biggest achievements of my life.  
  every morning when i drive to work, i see the street blocked off.  large, double-length dump trucks are backed up to an old building with a huge hole in the wall.  the trucks are dumping something into the basement.  there is no writing on any of the trucks.  no signs.  no names, no "Big Dave" or "Rusty".  Only dusty, dark colors.  men in plain hardhats and generic coveralls eye me as i make the turn in front of the orange cones. they all have the same eyes.  one day some of them were wearing rubber suits with masks.  nobody gets within 50 feet of the trucks...the backs of the trucks are covered with heavy tarps.  nobody seems to know what they're dumping, and even fewer seem to care   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  The purpose of a lobster trap is to catch lobsters, and when the lobsters are caught the trap is forgotten.  The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch  rabbits. When a rabbit is caught the snare is forgotten.  The purpose of words is to convey an idea or message. When the idea or message is grasped, the words are forgotten.  Where could I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to.  
  I used to work with this idiot who had hookers come to his apartment. One day he told me he'd had a big asian girl come around, he told me about her bad breat enlargment and scars, then how she insisted (quite rightly) that he wear a condom.  "Fuck that!" he says. He reckoned that before she arrived he got a corn skewer (or whatever - those little handles with a spike  that you jam into the ends of your corn-on-cob - you can see where this is going) and stuck it into the base of his bed where she wouldn't see it...  so, in the heat of the moment his plan was to sneak the skewer out, rip the condom, and later say "oh, it broke."  Did I mention he's a dickhead? Well here's more proof - he's fucking her, pulls out, goes to rip the condom - and stabs himself in the dick!  and if all that isn't bad enough, he went right on fucking her with a bleeding cock. Tool.  
  I have lost the ability to focus on one thing at a time. Yet I am quite capable of doing two and three things at once.   One time I was sitting in my room, watching TV and looking stuff up on the internet while listening to my music on my headphones. One ear was exposed so I could listen to the TV.   My mother walked in on me and stared for a couple of minutes before I noticed her.  She gave me an odd look. "How can you focus on all of those things at once?"  The answer was quite simple: hours of car rides with my father. During those, I have to listen to what he's saying, keep an eye on the road while he's driving, read my book, listen to my music, listen to his music on the radio...   
        Whilst having really wild sex, we broke the couch leg and put a hole in the wall.  I didn't notice until it was over.   
  Visting the in-laws, and his niece asks me if I'm going to church with them. I explain to her I don't do that, she asks why not and I explain because I'm an atheist. She asks what an atheist is. I take this opportunity to go to the bathroom, since it's not my job to educate the kid.  She goes and asks mommy. Mommy tells her it means I'm confused and that we should pray for my soul.  So his niece, after reporting all this back to me, asks me what I'm confused about.  I tell her nothing at all, and would she like to learn where some really cool websites are?  The joys of porn will never be beaten.  Pray *this*, Marie.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On night, I noticed my neighbor looking over his back fence with a cold Schlitz Malt Liquor in one hand  and his fully erect member in the other.  Of course, I had to look over the fence as well.  He was watching two mangy dogs fuck in the alley.  
  Yea, I was in Hawaii. I'm 17, and I'm from Canada.  (To all the American readers, being from Canada means that my skin is milky white, due to the fact that it is too cold to go outside of the igloo) So on my first day of vacation, I buy a pair of those whachamacallit's. They're similliar to pants, but end at the knees... (We dont have those in Canada either, too cold) ... and lay out in the sun. So what if I fall asleep. I wake up a few(4) hours later with an incredible pain along my sides, and stomach. Think nothing of it, and go back to the room. Next morning: "OW OW OW!! What the FUCK is this?!?" looking into the mirror. It appears that I have the deepest, darkest tan I have ever had, well the first tan I have ever had infact. But when I lift up my arms, it's not what I first see, but what I first hear. This quiet, but clear sound of skin peeling off my armpits.  WTF indeed.  
  I saw another one of those STD commercials today (genital warts, I think). In little letters at the bottom I saw the company that makes the drug was 3M.   Isn't that the same company that makes Post-It Notes? Are they really equipped to produce drugs for STDs?   Do you really want them handling your sexual health? It seems they're having enough trouble simply making 2 pieces of paper stick together properly.  
  There is a security guard where I work who likes to take her breaks in the ladies' room.  I usually see her in there when I stop in to potty after my smoke breaks.  She always tries to talk to me while I'm doing my business.  I have to wash my hands on the way out of the bathroom so she won't think I'm unclean.  I hate that security guard.  
  Having been a non smoker for about five months, I decided one day this summer to have "smoking Monday." That day I sat inside all day, watching movies, playing video games and smoking. A lot.  I ate half a loaf of bread, a roll of Ritz crackers, peed twice, and had the liquid shits.  Ahhh. You know, sometimes I miss the good old days.  
  You know what sucks?  *I'LL* tell you what sucks.  It's wet, it's cold, it's rainy, and since the fence isn't done, you have to take the dog out in the backyard on a leash.  It's 7am, it's wet, cold, and rainy; you're in your bathrobe watching your dog take a shit.    Hmm... it appears my dog has some sort of refuse embedded in his shit... hey, look at that!  It's a rubber!  It's 7am, it's wet, cold, and rainy; you're in your bathrobe watching your dog shit out a used condom.  Good morning!  
  every day i ask politely calmly and as nicely as i can  shes not happy with her job shes trying to pay for college i hope  she gets enough assholes giving her a hard time please thankyou then the bitch puts sugar in my coffee i pulled over walked into the dunkin donuts and ranted about how i am diabetic im not i cant believe i wigged over sugar       
  My girlfriend just got her period.  I'm so relieved I can barely talk about it.  
  I was shacking up with my friend and his family for awhile and was living in the basement.  My girlfriend and I were right in the middle of very slow, passionate sex and she looks up at me to say, "you are so deep inside me right now". Right on cue, BING!, my friend's mom comes clunking down the stairs to do laundry. We're under the covers and feigning sleep in .05 seconds flat.  Later, my friend said that his mom told him about walking in on us. Talk about awkward.  
  The first rave I attended was a "real" rave....unused warehouse on the edge of town, clandestinely distributed literature informing the hipsters of location, portable generator, easily movable sighting and sound systems... the whole bit.  It was New Years Eve.  There was to be a DJ from NYC.  Those of us who knew thought it would be "COOL".  I got a blowjob for the first time in my life that night.  Years later, the thought still lingers in my head.....     GOD, DE MOINES IS A SHITTY PLACE TO GROW UP.    
  She slept so soundly; never had I seen my friend look so peacful, so at ease.  She looked beautiful, and I decided to preserve that memory for her sake as much as for mine.  I sent her a copy of that blackmail photo a few months later: her sprawled across the floor, facedown, with a finger up her nose and excessive amounts of saliva spurting from her mouth, creating a waterfall into the warm stream of drool running along the tile.  Man, some pictures really are worth a thousand words.  
  my dog is a pantie dog... some dogs sniff out drugs... my dog sniffs out panties, knocking over the laundry to get at them. He'll find em and chew on the crotch... walked in on his one time panties over his head mowin' away... I swear he must be the product of some frat house experiment gone wrong... pantie sniffer...   - yulick69@hotmail.com    ____________________________  This reminds me of an old buddy's dog. We were sitting around smoking out and his dog walks in.  the dog starts to wretch and out comes a fully intact pair of his girlfriends panties.  I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in my whole life.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ..my boss once told me that the only reason i worked at the bar was so i could go and get more coke after work... ... i used his car.  
  If a man stands in the middle of a forest, with not a woman around for 200 miles, and makes a statement - is he still wrong?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Way back when pictures on the Internet were a big deal and we logged into Unix shell accounts and used Pine to send email ... back in 1995, I mean ... Back then, one time Tony gave me access to his account. So of course I changed his preferences, so that messages he sent were no longer from "Tony C_____" but from  
  fifth grade, in lunch line - some girl has scared the complete wits out of me, and i'm peeing down the side of my pants. i sit on the floor, pretending to look for money to pay lunch with - staying until a lunchlady came to help me.  going out the side door with a garbage bag wrapped around my waist, turn the corner - whole class is heading back from my lunch. *my* class.  lucky lunchlady mumbles something about me being on my period, everyone is awkard - i'm safe, no one mentions it to me. lowbrow moment: _actually_ starting my period two weeks later, and reliving the exact same event.  (thank god fifth graders have no clue how often a period is)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you might as well call the aspca now so the two best friends were digging a hole that would become the greatest fort in the whole wide world they hadda finish quickly cos someone would see the excavating and that would end the secrecy of the place a irish setter runs up barking its that dopey mutt from down the street and j starts climbing out to shoo the dingbat away it bites him a couple of times once near his throat t climbs out the other side and grabbing the shovel by the spade twacks the pooch with the handle rendering it lifeless in one fell swoop damm says j he didnt bite me that hard now he tells me t says over and over and over        
  There is something comforting in eating 7-11 sandwiches while pissed to the gills and knowing your gonna-spew-like-you've-never-spewed-before when the morning comes.  I dunno. They taste good coming up.  
  It had been awhile since I had gotten head, and when I say awhile, I mean a long ass time!  Of course, this was the night.  She was all ready to go down and was teasing me by kissing my stomach.  Well this was too much for me to handle and I started laughing uncontrollably from being tickled.  She stopped and then tried again...unsuccessfully!  too damn ticklish.  Third attempt...NOPE!  She then rolled over and said, "I give up!"  FUCK!  I wish I was 100% dick and no stomach...screw that teasing shit!  I suck!  
  I used the Internet to hit on this girl....  in real life, her one good eye was off-center.   
  What kind of equipment does Earthlink use to provide internet access?   There are many pieces of equipment, but the integral part of their DSL network is the flux capacitor. When operating at the maximum capacity of 1.21 Gigawatts, it generates enough bandwidth to supply pornography to 350,000 customers.    
  I consider Treet to be a cheap substitute for Spam. In itself, the same for meat.  Upshot, you can buy it anywhere, including gas stations at one o clock.  Treet is tasty, but so fatty it gives you liquid bowels.          
  i would like to anounce the untimely demise of my 13 inch tv. it has been having troubles for quite, so we were all just happy that its over. cause of death: I THREW IT OUT OF A FUCKING WINDOW CAUSE IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK! stupid tv   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Brenda Part 2  From Brenda 1:  But then I continue: "He and I run a double act -- I spot the pretty ones and he drives them into my arms."  She: "You shouldn't have told me that -- I thought you were being really noble."   So we chat very pleasantly, mostly about her job and her good day. Then:  She: "So, what sort of guy are you?? Are you a tit man, or a leg man, or an ass man or whatever?"  Me (I can't trust her with the actual truth, since saying "I'm actually a crotch man" just wouldn't sound right, would it?): "I'm an eye man."  She: "Oh! That's really nice! But if it wasn't for tit men, I'd never get a date."  
  Despite all the lascivious moments I  post here, and all the flirting  I do, I'm not actually a philanderer at all.  The closest I ever came to actually cheating on a wife was when a mutual friend came to visit, and the two of us were alone together for long periods.  Let's call her Jeanne, since that is her name (Hi, Jeanne! -- she hated me saying that, since she was a nurse :-)  There had been unspoken sexual tension between us for years, and when we went swimming together one night we both acknowledged its presence, but did nothing about it...  ...until my wife left the next morning, whereupon Jeanne climbed up to the loft and lay down next to me.  One of the most intense, erotic hours of my life followed, even though we stayed dressed.  Eventually, I sat up and had a cigarette that was as good as any post-coital butt I'd ever had.  For the next fifteen minutes, I watched Jeanne meticulously go over the bed inch by inch. She was making sure she hadn't shed any of her shimmering waist-level hair.  The stars fell from my eyes enough to wonder:  Hmmm -- I wonder how often she does this!   
  I was at Walmart on the weekend.  As the cashier (a 18 year old guy) was passing my items along the scanner he looked at each item, often asking me what each one was for.....  Until he came along the tube of KY Jelly.  I've never seen anybody put something in the bag so fast.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         They are looking for the fat gene, the smart gene even the evil gene. What about the "nice guy" gene? You know the one that keeps us nice guys from find getting the girl we want but always being the best friend who they come to when the mean guys make her cry  
   Air Force Cadets: The Road Not Taken  Several of my buddies actually became airline pilots. I was jealous. Then I met up with one in a pub. We hadn't seen each other in years, and he impressively had three stripes on his jacket sleeves. I asked him how he liked his job. He: "Sucks -- it's just years and years of tedium, punctuated by moments of pure terror..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         well after just about the shittiest week of my life, there is nothing left to feel but pent up anger.  at my parents who don't respect my thoughts or choices as an indivual and having them still think I'm 8 years old. At the goddam pig who arrested me for possition of marajuana (even thought he was just doing his job and let me off pretty easy, still can't help but be pissed at him) At the world that is everyday becomeing more and more repressive. why i can't just be me?  right now i would love nothing more then to be able to hop in to a over-powered muscle car, something with at least 300 or so horsepower and just tear across the highways for all i'm worth with abosolutly no concern for who i might kill or what laws i might break.  and why does that idea of the girl my friend knows who has a 1994 firebird (which has got to be one of the hottest looking cars i've ever seen with my own two eyes)  hasn't left my head in a good 5 days? I don't even know her for christ sake.  is it possible to fall in love with a dangerious lifestyle?         
  Once again, in a moment of unexplained hatred, I fucked things up.  
  I have a rotation of about 4 different little stores and markets I buy beer from.  If I buy from the same place all the time, they'll know how much I drink.  Of course, the bums who go through my trash looking for empties know, but they appreciate it.  
  sitting outside next to Aaron's pool, he casually let's drop that he might have fooled around with my ex-girlfriend wfter we broke up.  Seeing as I had a new woman, I smiled, and laughed no big deal.   Aaron was stunned.  "I thought you'd be mad," he said. "especially after how mad you got when Jesse slept with her."  This I did not know.  
    i've recently become an avid smoker. and i couldn't be more stoaked.      
  The best sexual partners are gals who are:   1. embarrassed about having certain kinds of sex  2. have doubts about their physical appearance  3. downwplay their sexuality in the way they dress  4. are intelligent  5. have imagination  6. have a sense of humor        
  acl23tc (9:35:24 PM):  i got some nutella on my finger so i licked it off acl23tc (9:35:34 PM): and my finger got all wet, of course acl23tc (9:35:59 PM): then i got this awful itch in my ear so i itched it really quick acl23tc (9:36:02 PM): with my wet finger acl23tc (9:36:08 PM): i gave myself a wet willie acl23tc (9:36:11 PM): it was the worst  
  My girlfriend likes to tell people that my clove cigarettes make my semen taste good...   Hey, at least they know she swallows...  
  There is one thing you can say for constipation.  Those little rock-hard balls of shit make cleanup a snap.  Unless you have a bleeder.  
  In the days before digital cable television, I used to jerk off to the scrambled porn late at night on the high channels.  Sometimes I wish they still showed it, 'cause it was always a lot better in my imagination.  I've actually tried to download scrambled porn, but apparently no one else shares my love.  
  A couple freinds and I are driving to the store at about 11:00 at night.  We stop at a stoplight.  A Volvo with a ricey muffler stops next to us.  He revs the engine while looking over.  "I know I'd smoke him, but there's no fuckin way I'm gonna try it with a cop sitting at the intersection" says the driver.  The Light turns green, the Volvo takes off.  10 seconds later, sirens go off and a cop shoots past.    We laugh our asses off as we cruise past the moron, who is frantically getting out his liscence and registration.  
  We had a foursome.  Two couples, one married and one not.  I didn't really want to bring more than her and I into our sex life, but she always wanted to be with a woman.  she hada woman in mind, actually.  And the woman was married, so her husband had to be in the mix to.  It was actually just idle talk, but it got planned behind my back, and I wasn't sure when the time came what to do.  So it happened.  We decided the rules were no sex between the others partners.  The other couple wished differently, though.  He wanted to see another man fuck his wife, and she wanted to see him with another woman.  That didn't happen, though.  Foreplay reined supreme for hours.  I looked over in time to see another man going down on my love.  Time pauses and I think to myself "Oh my God, what am I doing?" The image will be burned in my mind for years.  She got a chance to taste another woman and feel another woman going down on her, so she got what she wanted.  the other couple pretty much got what they had in mind.  I am the only one who went along with it without actually wanting it.  I tell myself that the whole thing was worth just for the few minuted two women were licking my prick at the same time, but it wasn't.  it destroyed my care for another.  Threesome (or moresomes) should not happen between any people who have a level of care for each other.  After such an adventurous experience, I felt like the bottom of the barrel dregs.  And only because I couldn't get the image of another man licking my girl out of my head.  Do you think that comes from possesivness, jealousy, or a fear of inadequecy?  
  it was a very unpleasant situation, but i did learn something from it: when you call a white girl a bitch, it's an insult.  when you call a black girl the same thing, well then, them's fighting words. it ain't cool to get beat up by a girl on the first day of school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was hooking up with this girl and after she went down on me i figured i'd return the favor.  so i'm downsouth with two fingers on her g and going at her clit with my tounge when suddenly she just starts spurting. at first i thought she was a squirter and then i realized how wrong it was.  i had her pee in my mouth and all over my clothers as we sat there discussing this "problem" she has. she knew about it before hand; she fucking knew.  
  I like to throw a firecracker into the kitchen when my roomate is sweeping the floor.  Sometimes his back is to me, and the explosion makes him jump.  Even if he does see me, he still has to clean up the shredded aftermath.    
  she felt to slippery and tight as i slid into her.  with each stroke, she moaned softly.  then i realised how drunk i really was, and that i was actually fucking a MAN.  so i pissed in his ass.  
  I'm determined to submit enough entries here so that people will see one every time like with e_e and cheerleader, and LaDeeFrickingDa. An aspiration to a 15 minutes of fame that is dubious, at best.   
  With the lights out, it's less dangerous, here we are now, entertain us? Nah, screw entertainment, I'm gonna go get drunk.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Where I live there is commercial fishing. And there are seals. So the fisherman get these things called SealBombs, which is actually a 1/3 stick of dynamite. And since one of my buddies Dad's was a fisherman, I had access to a constant supply of these large explosives.  Being drunk one night, I set one on a rock and dared someone to shit on it. mark, being drunker than me by a long shot, hopped right on up and laid a big, fat grogan right smack on top of the damn bomb. Which, of course, I then lit, and we ran off about 30 feet to watch it go up.   Except shit (literally) blew EVERY which way. Up, down, sideways. And what went up came right back down. We were covered in shit flecks and chunks. Thank god I had washable neoprene seat covers.   Thank god my wife wasn't home when I got there, so I didn't have to explain shit covered me.  Damn. But it was still way cool, I wish we had a camera there.  
  I'm such a dumbass.   Mom, wondering, what the deal was, walked upstairs towards my bathroom to ask me why I'm taking so long, right at the exact moment I'm at the "point of no return."   I had to answer a question from my mom while I was cumming like a wildcat.   Teen movie cliche comes to life.   
  Big girls give the best head, hands down.  Every well-fed girl I've been with could suck a watermelon through a straw.  I am talking FEROCIOUS head.  I don't know what it is... I guess maybe they don't feel as fragile, so they just get a little freakier than a thin girl would.    Either way, praise be to the sturdy women for knowing how it's done, and also for doing it to me.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My assistant sent me an email from work. I'm on vacation. She sent happiness wishes for the holiday season and new year not knowing that she will be out of a job by the end of January, 2003.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend and I were at Mazatlan (Mexican restaurant).  We just were finishing with the meal when I felt a serious bowel movement coming on.  I had for years feared public restrooms (and still do), so I winced at the thought of using the restroom.  So I said excuse me, and hobbled to the bathroom.  Before getting to the door, I realized my body meant business when I almost let loose.  I quickly opened the door and looked to see who was in there.  I was actually lucky enough to not find anyone in there.  I went in the first stall in front of me.  I barely pulled my pants and underwear down before fecal matter started shooting out of my rectum (in liquid form, of course).  I peered between my legs and noticed that the toilet was completely covered in butt juice.  I actually started laughing at that point and cleaned myself up.  I returned to the table giggling at the recallection of dowsing the toilet with shit.  My friends (who I didn't feel comfortable telling them this sort of thing) asked me why I was laughing.  I simply told them, ask me in a couple of years and maybe I'll tell them... I told them about the ordeal in good detail a couple of days later.  
  i was talking to this girl i just met.  turns out she is a man-girl.  the type of girl that gets along better with guys and has guy tendencies, only that has boobs and a vagina.  she drinks beer, and drives a raised truck.  her next vehicle will be a raised surburban that is like mini big foot.  When she told me that, I already knew what I would want to do to her in the back of that thing, with all the leather seats folded down.  It was a flash, kinda.  She was still talking.  I was wondering what she would look like in my favorite position.  She was talking about horsepower, I was wondering if she always wears tanktops with no bra and does she know her nipples are showing?  I'm about to go for the close, and she beats me too it..."We should all hang out some time."    Hold on, who the fuck is "we?" I'm thinking.  She continues..."you and my boyfriend would get along great."  FUCK!  This always seems to happen to me.    Wait, maybe they are looking for a third to fulfill one of their manag'e fantasies.    "yeah, maybe" I reply.    
  the power went out..so when i pluged my alarm cock back in; 12 am flashes..so i unpluged it and planed it for weeks that when 12am actualy came around and i pluged it back in my alarm clock would flash the correct time...i missed it on every week for a month...cause i kept forgetting....BUT TONIGHT..i was laying on my bed and remembered....and now my clock flashes 12am at 12am seeing as how it keeps real time and just doesnt flash 12 continually.. now i have the correct time and it flashes YAY ME! : ).....god damn im a loser, somebody shoot me  
  I was on a cross-country family trip with my aunt and mom. I was about 16 at the time and had been masturbating on a regular basis for about 2 years. Every hotel we stopped at, I was forced to sleep in the same bed as my mom, so my aunt, who is fairly portly, could have a bed to herself. One night , in New Orleans, I got the bright idea that maybe I could masturbate without my mom knowing about it, despite the fact that she's lying right next to me. So, I very slowly start playing around down there. Eventually, I just went into the bathroom and finished , because the very thought of waking my mom up by masturbating right next to her is way too much for me to handle. Now that's fucking lowbrow.  
  The VIP movie theatres that have those waiters, dressed proud and elegant in tuxedo vests, carrying around the same stale and overpriced popcorn , and imitation soda from cheaper movie theatres, taking it serious to serve the bourgueoisie while they see "Harry Potter"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A couple summers ago, I had a slight crush on my (female) best friend in the whole world, and I had been slightly involved with another (male) friend of mine for a long time.  [I'm female, by the way].  Although my female friend claimed to be bi, she showed far more interest in my male friend than in me. They spent far too much time ignoring me that night, so I took matters into my own hands . . . . literally. On the way back, we were all in the back of chick-friend's mom's car (her mom was driving).  Subtly, we were all fooling around.  I had my hand down my best friend's pants, and until a few months ago, she assumed it was my MALE friend.  I kept pushing his hand out.  She claimed he was very good.  Hah.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was picking up speed at an alarming rate, as I prepared to take off in my ultralight in the little hayfield. As the wheels began to get light, the wind started skidding me towards my Jeep.  Oh holy shit! No... It's not even paid for yet!!  I ended up clearing the hood and the windshield by inches, and heaved a sigh of relief at having missed my Jeep, but also not shitting my pants.  
  He has the most ghetto taste in music and the biggest bass stereo in his car, and I know this because every fucking night this week he's sat in the driveway at 3AM when he gets home and blasted us all with it until he carries his drunk ass in the house.   This same week, all the female cats in the neighborhood have gone into heat and the fighting among the males is fierce.   He rarely locks the car... after all, it's military housing, should be safe, right? Open door... insert open can of tuna... wait for several cats to enter... close door.  It sounded like pre-buffet prep at a Korean restaurant.  I can only imagine the smell.   There ya go, you fucking Puff Daddy Ice T wanna-be.  
   my brother and i once saw my mom puke into a milk carton while she was dressed as a clown.  he said "that was something."  he was 8.       
  Even at 8 years old, it didn't take long to realize that mixing every paint and chemical in the neighbors garage with sand doesn't make quicksand.   Its too bad my parents got sued for the damage.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 6 and I watched "A Christmas Story".  So I put my tongue on the rack in the freezer.    I left three taste buds there and a family joke that will last me the rest of my life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I was standing in line waiting to buy movie tickets. This really hot chick with the tightest and most squeezable ass was standing in front of me arm in arm with her big muscle-bound boyfriend.   What do you think I did?   Right! I grabbed her ass anyway. It was worth the black eye.  
  Sitting around the house with my best friend, his wife, and their girlfriend...  waiting for my fiancee to get home so we can all get naked and fool around in the apartment's pool.  The wife and girlfriend start fooling around, and that pisses my fiancee off when she gets home, so she storms into the bedroom and locks the door, her stated intention to crash.  Party pooper.    So anyway, we're sitting boy-girl-boy-girl, and shirts start coming off and we start fooling around.  The EvilOne (as my fiancee is known now), walks out of the bedroom starts cursing, walks back in and throws some clothes in a bag.  Walks back out and screams "I saw you kissing her!!!"  Being slightly drunk, and confused at her change of heart, I said something that to my dismay still gets laughed about at parties....  "I wasn't kissing her!  I was sucking her fucking nipple!"  You'd think she'd appreciate such honesty.  Really.  
  When I was 9, I had an accident with fireworks.  The good news is I got to wear an eyepatch for two weeks, in grade school.  Arrrrrgh, shiver me timbers!  'Cept the doctor gave me a  pink  eyepatch.  I immediately painted it black, but my mom made me wash it off.  Forty years later, I'm  still  waiting for her to die...  
  i, sadly, have also experienced the pure horror of asparagus piss firsthand.  my roommate freshman year in college used to eat asparagus like it was god's personal pussy. everynight.  and everynight, he'd piss into a cup and sneak up to me, putting the cup under my nose, making me smell the absolute hell within.  one night, there was gonna be a raging party a block away. i had been studying hard all week, and there was this girl that was gonna be there who i wanted to hump like taters.  roommate pulls his usual stunt while i'm lying on the couch reading. the smell instantly triggers my defenses, and my arms flail wildly to get the stench away.   i managed to knock the cup full of asparagus piss all over my head and chest.  no party for me that night.  a lot of swearing and soaping down in the shower, though.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Driving into work one morning, I saw a dead cat on the side of the road. A huge crow was munching on it, contentedly. "Ah," I thought. "Sweet revenge."  
  I was driving on a highway with a friend and, when he takes a cigarette out of his pocket and realizes he has no matches, he asks me for one.  I jam my hand into my pocket where I have 2 books of matches, and they promptly ignite, lighting my pants on fire. My buddy laughed his ass off.   The Feeling of fire creeping toward your balls is not a good feeling.  After pulling over and putting the fire out, My friend was still laughing.  
    when told to create a spoof ad inspired by a any mass media agent we simply extended the `milk stain` from the upperlip to drip down the side of her chin and substituded the slogan with the a more appropriate and alluring product.       ...    GOT COCK? ...   it was perfect, her eyes said the rest.   needless to say we weren`t recommended for the contest.   
  ...So My friend introduces me to this chick named Jessica. Thats her real name, and I dont give a fuck who knows. She's a virgin, so lucky me, I get to be her first. After we establish our sexual relationship, she leaves me for some punk ass Hick. She calls me and informs me that she would like to come over to get her stuff. She still lived with her parents at that time.  I fedex the three pairs of panties(one of them crotchless), the dildo she bought and left at my house, the rest of the condoms and the encare nonoxy-9 suppositories, and all of the polaroids I took of her naked, sucking my cock and with cum on her face. I fedexed all of these to her house...   adressed to her dad...   I bet he was pissed.  
  i was babysitting for these two bratty neighbors of mine(brother and sister, about 5 years old) and they were pretending to be dogs by panting and crawling around on all fours.    out of nowhere they start licking eachother's face and mouths, and they are practically making out.  i stopped them after a few seconds, but it sure will be fun to remind them of that in ten years.  
  I was training to be a fitness instructor; a career I never followed through on due to the poor pay and irregular hours.  The instructor was showing us how to measure body fat percentages using skinfold callipers, a process that requires you to pinch skin on the front and back of the upper arm; the shoulder blade and the abdomen.  "So we take four skin measurements," he said.  I don't think anyone in that room could refrain from laughing like school children. Except the instructor, who went red.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here's another shit moment from a shameless AOL user.  Last year, I went to my boyfriend's prom.  I had a classy dress, elegant hairstyle and some very expensive shoes that I'd looked all over to find.  Overall, I looked stunning.  The prom was great.  I met his friends, who all thought I was hot, and we danced the night away.  Of course, after it ended, we were planning on going to the afterparty and getting wasted.  On the way back to his house, where I was going to change into some more comfortable clothes, I had to go to the bathroom, so he stopped at a little park area on Mulholland Hwy that had an outhouse.  I could barely see because it was so dark outside, but the moon offered enough light for me to make out the bare necessities.  I took a piss and managed to keep my dress from touching any surfaces.  I was just about out the door and home free when suddenly, my foot landed directly in a pile of something squishy, and I slid for about a meter before hitting the door.  Fortunately, I didn't fall.  Unfortunately, when I got back to his car after trying to wipe my shoe off in some grass (in vain), I discovered that my shoe was basically covered in human shit.  If he didn't start laughing, I think I would have cried.    
  When you start to wonder if maybe all of the attention from boys is false..  And if you're not one of the "pretty" girls, but instead one of the girls who only -thinks- she is good-looking..    That, my friends, is insecurity.  Damn you, size 4 mini skirt.      
  most of you dont know khan, he's a vietnamese american that grew up in the southern united states, he's got a wonderful drawl that really catches you off gaurd after experience with the remaining asian population of minneapolis -- not that they speak goofy, just that most of them dont sound like theyre from texas.  So the other day khan tells me about when he went to vietnam last summer to visit and ate fresh conch on the beach.  Apparently he made the mistake of eating its butthole too, something i guess youre not supposed to do.  The ensuing story of stomach aches and distension would of been largely unremarkable except that he kept talking about peeing out his ass, and insisted that every attack felt like a small mammal was trying to claw its way out his  butt.  
  My water bottle smells like bleach, what the fuck?  Now that I think of it, it tastes weird too.  On further reflection, the bottom half of my mouth has got a weird burning feeling.  That's the last time I'll be so casual about drinking this city's tap water.  
  always remember to check if you have enough toilet paper when you sit down to dump a big one.  it could save your life one day.  
  my roommate of the opposite sex comes into my room and picks up a leather strap with metal snaps on it and asks who's bracelet it is  my reply? "that's not a bracelet and you might want to put it down"   
  "...And I told that motherfucking bitch that I would take her outside and stomp her fucking slut ass on the curb in front of everyone at work and then piss on her" said to me a co-workers wife whom I had just met. What was even better was this was in front of her four young children.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Our teacher told us to keep a time log, but not too detailed.  "If you're making out with your boyfriend, we don't need to know... just say 'visiting' or something.  Part of my time log looked like this.   "  10:00 PM- Visiting a friend.   11:30 PM- Sleeping at friends house, etc.   3:30 AM- Etc.  9:00 AM- Etc. (Again.)  "            
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I talked with an Australian girl one day online.  She said that the Australians in general hate that Crocodile dude because they figure the rest of the world thinks they're all like him.  Which is ridiculous.    I figure Australians are all like Mad Max.  
  I'm an only child. No siblings who died, or who just conveniently disappeared from the family history. My parents had me and basically decided that was it. Flash forward 18 yrs - I return home for Xmas after my first year away at university. I grabbed a ride home with a friend of the family. They dropped me off at the foot of the driveway and I wandered along it, noticing my dad working under my mums car. I wasn't terribly pleased to be home; I felt like I had outgrown the town and my family. But in a surprisingly chipper voice I managed to pipe up with "Hi dad - its me I am home". Without even looking out from under the car he said "And who might you be??" Yeah. They really missed me.    
  So my (former) girlfriend and I decide to try a new position: Me standing up, and holding her by her ass as she straddles my waist.  I pick her up and my back twinges painfully, plus my legs are sore from helping HER move into her place the day before.  Instead of saying something encouraging or sexy, she decides that saying "You better not fuckin' drop me" is appropriate.    So I dropped her on the couch and went back to my computer.  
   At the end of the year, Adam charged me with the care of his half-gallon brandy snifter; the kind that looks like a fuckin' fishbowl. He gave it to me for the summer because he didn't want to huff it all the way back to Houston, because it would inevitably break during transit. He was truly proud of owning this snifter, and would drink from it -- alcohol, water, whatever -- every chance he got. It made him feel big.  So as soon as he leaves, what does my roommate do? Kevin starts filling it up with everything he could find in our dorm room... Pepsi, peanut butter, cheap gin, deodorant, Windex, scope (well-used), a stick of butter, cologne, chocolate, toothepaste, borax, bleach, a couple pages from Maxim, Rolaids, shaving cream, a sock, a raw egg, cereal, laundry detergent, yogurt. Everything.   We let that motherfucker sit for two days, and it stank so bad we had to put it in the closet. We really took the sheep shears to this snifter's proverbial balls. We'd wash it out before Adam returned, of course, but knowing that he was drinking out of that rancid shit-bowl would have delighted us immeasurably.  It broke in the back seat of my car the next week. He never drank out of it.  The thing that I remember most, though, was the smell. They say that the sense of smell most vividly rips memories out of deep storage, and I buy it. I can still smell that mung-snifter as though it were sitting in front of me, and that calls to mind the end of that year. My room, which once was rife with dirty clothes, books, posters, and cables, was barren. The closet was empty and all of my friends had gone to their homes. My albums and my notebooks were on their way to mine. It was a hollow feeling; the feeling of things slipping away slowly and remorselessly. And then there's the realization that I'll see them all again in three months, and that nothing traumatic is really happening, but knowing that I'm reeling over something so transient only makes the sadness hang more heavily. I was happy that year, and as things always, always do, things changed. People move, and I get shuffled along. I keep getting older, and there isn't anything I can do about it. And next year, it happens all over again:  This is the way the school year ends this is the way the school year ends this is the way the school year ends Not with a bang, but with a whimper.  
  I was standing in a MacDonald's waiting to place an order with a friend of mine.  Ahead of us now placing their order were two OBVIOUS Downs Syndrome teenagers.  The first one says "I'd wike a numbah twee pwease."  The other slaps his friend across the back of the head, and screams "No, you wetard, it's a numbah fouw!"  I totally lost it.  My friend was trying to inch away from me as I laughed at their predicament.  I am so going to hell.  
  7 of the past 11 moments I've seen were sumitted by - sorry_e_e@hotmail.com    Someone has too much time on his hands.  
  I've found the biggest challenge in yoga class is controlling my farts so they sneak out silently. Zen farts.   
  I once made the mistake of calling my boyfriend's manhood "penis" after sex.  He got really annoyed and told me never to call it that again.  Now, I don't feel comfortable saying "dick" and "cock" just isn't the best word for day to day normal use, so I say "Well, what should I call it then? Bob? Jane? Sue-Ellen?"  For some reason he said "Charlene" (pronounced Shar-leen).  It's been called that ever since.  
  So my mom & I were in Target the other day, walking through the gardening section. She looks at me & says: "You know, I had a fake or...."  (And I about fainted cause I just KNEW she was going to say orgasm!) Then she continued: "...fake orchid once. It didn't look real. I was disappointed." (So was I!)  
  When I was in college I was scamming on some chick worked at Rally's. I met her because a friend of mine once picked up a difter hitchhiking and we all smoked pot back at my fraternity. This drifter had picked up the Rallys Chick prior, and a week or two later, I saw her walking down the street. I gave her a ride back to her trailer outside of town, and began making out with her (did I mention I was drunk and desperate).  As I was macking her and groping, I thought to myself, "Man, she's ugly. Good thing there is no way anyone I know will ever hear about this." There is a knock at the door and in comes one of her friends, with one of MY friends. Seems they met at Rallys and were coming to score a bag. The  jig was up!  The worst part was, she wouldn't give it up for me because she was still pining for the drifter.  
  vagina without labia is like peanut butter without jelly.  
  I've always prided myself on having a very non-addictive personality.  I've successfully been a social smoker for 5 years, chain smoking JPS's for weeks, then going without for a month, and not having a single craving.  Last week was our 3rd without pot, but a friend of mine had a bag of giant sticks from a pot plant.  not the twigs you find in buds, but big-ass, quarter inch thick sticks.  We theorized that the skin (bark really), still contained THC, so we set up an elaborate factory line that involved whittling the skin off, chopping it fine, and rolling it.  After three hours of work, the smoke tasted like a bonfire, and the only high I could detect was a slightly retarded feeling.  THen I realized that the feeling wasn't from the smoke.  It was one of the saddest moments of my life.  
   The first and last time I brought a date home to meet Mother  We're ready to leave, so we go to say goodbye.  Mom: "Now, you're sure you've got your bus fare?"  Me:  Grunt   Mom: "Did you put on clean underpants?"  She turns to my date:  Mom: "He  never  changes his underpants..."  
  Last night I attended a lecture on the extinction of the dinosaurs.  Well, not exactly just that.  It was an interesting mix of theology and science and how they interact to explain extinctions (and more generally, suffering and the inexplicable- why God would put us through suffering or death).  But what got my attention the most was one of the professor's statements.  He claimed that as a true scientist (thus an aetheist), he could not conceive of anything that was not physical.  Maybe he should have qualified it as anything that could not be explained physically because I thought of several things off the top of my head that I don't consider physical: ideas, emptiness, darkness, time.  I could probably make a case for each one, with the exception of time.  Ideas are just an artifact of your brain's synaptic activity.  Emptiness (or a vacuum) is a lack of physical particles in space.  And darkness is the absense of light particles.  But what constitutes time?  You don't truly move through time as much as you record an infinite succession of inputs from around you.  Does a continuous stream of stimulus define time?  This got me thinking about the framework in which the human mind operates.  We must use communication (speech and physical expression) to relay this interpretation of the world to others. Then it occurred to me what a complex series of events take place every day that affects the future (and by future, I mean the next X number of inputs).  Picture this: The mere fact that I am moving my fingers over the keyboard causes me to spend energy that may cause me to sleep a little harder tonight and hit my snooze one more time in the morning.  By getting up and going to work a couple of minutes later than I would have if I hadn't typed this, I get side-swiped by a guy who ran the second stop sign I pass on my way to work.  This is an extreme, but I think it reflects the events around us well.  I think this is an example of chaos theory (if I understand it correctly), so I don't want to take credit as though this idea is original.  But the vastness of these interactions is astonishing.  So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate and cause a blizzard in Tahiti.  
  HOW LOWBROW SAVED MY LIFE last night, i read a post about a guy who didn't stop to tie his shoe cause he was lazy, and the guy behind him got run over and killed by a car.  well today, lowbrow possibly saved my life!  sitting here, as i often am, in a trance-like state with my hand Al Bundy style in my drawers, furiously reloading the brow, i hear screeching tires and screams.  i run to the window and see this guy being chased through the empty parking lot adjacent to my apartment by a car which is trying to run him over.  after a furious dash to the edge of the parking lot, he hops over the railing, and one of the guys in the car hops out and starts fucking him up with a metal pipe.  fortunately, with so many of the guys friends screaming to call the police, the car sped off before the man was beaten to death.  i looked at the time:  holy shit! i was supposed to be walking to class right now...THROUGH THAT VERY PARKING LOT!  thank God for lowbrow.  i took pictures of the tire marks left in the parking lot.  
  I broke her heart because I was young and stupid.    Then I slept with her twin sister.  
  Take any cheap squeaky toy. Carefully cut out a circle around the squeaky part, and partially fill the body of the toy with something noxious... shit, piss, vomit, old cat food.  Add a little water if it's not very liquid. Then painstakingly glue the circle back in. Set the toy out on the sidewalk and wait. No matter if they look at the squeaky part, or hold it downward so it shoots crap all over their legs, it's a treat. For you, I mean.   
  A female friend tried to get me to explain men's fascination with lesbians/lesbian scenes in pornos. I told her that its because its basically looking at one girl, except now its double. She then argued "but its not like they would be interested in doing anything with you though" I said "straight women aren't interested in doing anything with me either"   
  The longer its been since I've had sex, the creepier I am.  
  after all the masturnating i have done, i have come to wonder how the hell the my arn stays in place. i swear it would have fallen off by now. all hail, the technology of the human arm.  
  I was drunk off my ass in a club. I found my way to the bathroom, pressure building like a damn fire hydrant. I start pissing, guy in the stall next to me says "damn, you're pissing all your money away!"  Actually no, my brother bought me the last few drinks. I'm pissing *his* money away!  I didn't get laid that night.  
  You know, sooner or later, everyone jacks off while driving.  
  Just finished moving and there's only three things in the house to eat -2 cans of sardines, half a bag english muffins, and a nearly depleted bottle of horseradish. Lucky for me they made a lovely sandwich.  
  A few years back I lived next to a grocery store called County Market.  It had a huge well-lit sign out front so that people could see its name from a mile away.  One day the sign's "O" burnt out and they didn't fix it for about six months.  I should have taken a picture...  
   I hate my neighbors.  One of the highlights of each month is asking the nosy, white-trash, redneck bitch of a neighbor of mine how her husband is doing, citing the fact that I haven't seen him around lately.    I manage to evince shock each time she informs me that he died almost two years ago in a grisly auto accident.    
  One whiskey  It's all I need to take the edge off my self-conscious paranoid reluctance to speak to these people that I have not met before for fear they they will dislike me or ridicule me or revile me or humiliate me or deliberately misunderstand me or any other of a million things that I can imagine them doing that one whiskey can silence  If they ever bring back prohibition I'll never leave the house  
  Several years ago I was at a friends house when his wife, a manager at a Kentucky Fried Chicken, calls from work.  My friend points to the caller ID box and smiles.  It reads: KY Fried Chick  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I leaned towards the girl 'o my dreams, and with flailing arms, knocked her drink out of her hands.  We both watched it smash on the floor. I leaned closer.  "Buy you a drink?" She shagged a 40 year old with a beard in plaits instead.   
  you're not supposed to look at a guy's gear while he's pissing.  you're supposed to stare straight ahead, not even looking like you notice he's even there.  just pretend you're the only person in the bathroom, do your business, get the hell out.  never look at the other guy's gear.  i looked.  my sense of self-worth went up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why did you stay up late watching TV when you knew you should be sleeping?   Sometimes I think it's because I might miss a good Gilligan's Island rerun.  You know, with the Globetrotters.     
  When I was pushing 40, and buying the farm in Spencer, NY, I was attracted to the woman who was working on the legal stuff at the mortgage company.  So I invited her to my housewarming party.  She asked if she could help get things ready for the party, so I said I could use some help with laying tile for the fireplace.  So we're crawling around on the floor, constantly bumping into each other (perhaps a little more than could be explained by the close quarters), and things are getting pleasantly heated.  Me: "How old are you?"  She: "Twenty..."  I waited quite a while for her to finish the statement, perhaps with an 'eight' or a 'nine,' but she was finished.  At the party, she left about 11pm.  When the party had would down, about 2am, and I was falling asleep on a makeshift bed on the living room floor (my visiting mom had my bed), she reappeared. She'd been driving around all that time.  She: "I need company, but I see you are off to bed..?"  Nothing more needed to be said, really, so I just turned down a corner of the blankets for her.  Drifting off to sleep, I hoped my friends woke us before my mother did...  
  I crush dreams. I suppose its become a habit. When a friend comes to me with a wild idea, I feel it necessary to tell them exactly why it won't work.  I'm not being mean, I just don't want them to go through life confused.  
  I spent years lighting my farts.  I was proud of it.  One long day of drinking while in the bay area, I was farting like mad in the car.  I decided to prove to my girlfriend that I could light them.  As I placed my boots on the ceiling of the car, pressed the flame against my jeans and strained to get it out...I shit my pants.    Man, was that a gas!  
  When drunk, my friend admitted that his mom used to watch through cracks in the floor to see if he'd been masturbating.    I have an horrible fear of intamacy, so I'm down for the sex, but not any emotional stuff.    It's almost a contest to see who's more uncomfortable around women.  
  soldier in the trenches  you know when a girl looks up at you from your crotch, and she's got a long curly pube right between her teeth?  soldier in the trenches  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to the beach the other day. Walked on the pier in the Gulf. Saw a bunch of dolphins, some sea turtles, sharks, and some people having sex in the water.   
  Why, oh why have I waited to share this one?  I was on a cruise ship waiting to go into the grand ballroom for the only formal dinner of the cruise. At that moment I got so sick that I had to bolt to the men's room to throw up. The door was locked so I puked right in front of it.   The doors had just opened so everyone is facing the ballroom not the bathrooms across the way. As far as I know, no one saw me.   I do not know who cleaned it up. I do know that I did not eat much for dinner that night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I told him I wanted a man's man.   The kind of guy who liked his steak rare. The kind of guy who was like a caveman in bed. Then he farted I miss the computer geek I used to date. He had cats.   
  After you've ridden them 5 billion times, the rollercoasters at Six Flags get really old.  Four of my female friends found a way to liven it up.  The last time we went to Six Flags as a group, they got on the last car of Scream Machine rollercoaster. As it went up the first hill, they took off their shirts and bras and rode the entire road topless.  When it was about over, they had to put their bras and shirts back on as fast as they could before any of the Six Flags employees saw them.  It was close, but I am sure it was worth it.  
  when i turned left on to that road right before i was almost hit head on i thought to myself "hah what a funny place to put a one way sign"  
  Me: I'm just not feeling Christmas this year. The only thing I've done remotely holiday related is buy eggnog.  Him: I've got some pain pills.  Me: Ah, eggnog and pain pills. The perfect way to spend Christmas eve.  
  We smoked out with my sister, despite my warning her that we may need time alone afterwards. We sneaked away to fuck behind someone's tent in the middle of the day. Looking up from her orgasm she looked right into the eyes of a father driving up to meet the group. I wonder if he knew what was going on? Funny how cum blends into a tent stuff sack when it dries.  
  what a smart little kid i was.. i actually wrote this poem in third grade..i just found it in a book i made for my dad..ready here goes..  Do you like dolphins? Oh how I do? Love them? I do! Pat the dolhin Pet dolphin. How I would do that. Inside my heart there is a place for          dophins. No you say?! Say yes.   see how the first letter of every line spells dolpins! I WAS F-ING CLEVER AND DEEP!!!!!!!!!  
  Hearing your divorced and sexually agressive 39-year-old mother refer to her gentleman caller as her "lover" when you are a self-conscious and sexually awkward 13-year-old girl really ruins that word for you.  I cannot hear it, read it, or think about it without cringing.  Uttering it will never again be an option.    
  i was driving my girlfriend's parent's car in manhattan, arguing with my then-girlfriend. i punched the steering wheel in anger. she got so mad so leaned back and kicked the windshield with of her bright silver boots. she's a dancer. that fucker gave way, almost entirely.  we returned to her house and i considered telling her parents something fell on the car (meteorite..boom box...ed mcmahon?), but her bootprints were so fucking obvious. i didn't help her pay for it. i miss that girl.   
  when my sister left to go to college in scotland, she left me with her fish for a few days till her friend could come take it.  it was one of those fish that goes to the top of the water and breathes normal air in little gulps, so they are real easy to take care of.  anyhow i was really intersted in the fish considering i never had one myself, and i decided to scare it every time it tried to come up for air, wondering how bad it would need air before it would overcome its mortal fear of my finger.  turns out my finger must have been alot scarier then i thought.   i told her friend it was sleeping when she came to pick it up.  
  Just read this one: "i told my parents that i was pissed they had me circumcised. they looked confused. what a fucked up society we live " Just for the record, women would much rather blow a circumcised guy. All the needless skin bunched up, catching stray cumshots and piss and never getting cleaned properly? Ewww.  Plus it's just cuter when it's soft.   
          Its not often our family gets invited   to dinner.    Its even more seldom were ever   invited back.  
   Walking down 57th Street the construction workers lined the side of the building. "Hey, Hey Six" they shouted refering to the # on the back of my t-shirt.  "Hey six. Hey baby. Can I be your nine".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  walking down the empty hallway in highschool my group of friends pass an open classroom door with students looking at us in envy as we casually stroll by.  one of my buddies shoulder bump me into the classroom while the others yell "check me out!"    As I stumble to the floor, and get up in shame, I learn my lesson.  I should've been in class anyway.    Payback is a bitch right?  Well the day came where I got my getback.  While warming up in P.E.  I 'pants' him and yell check me out.  Only thing was, if I would've known he was freeballin, I never would have done it.  I wouldve paid a million bucks to see his face as he felt his shorts slid down.    Two days later he said even steven right?  I said sure, and to this day I'm still looking over my shoulder.  That was 7 years ago.  
  so its easter sunday, my boyfriend and i are sitting on my couch and my little brother is at the computer 10 feet away.  i have on a cute little sundress, no underwear, and we're both horny as hell.  so of course we get a blanket and he fingers me and i have my hand down his pants, so close to orgasm... afterwards i realized what i was doing, yet i'd definatly do it again.  (yes... my real email address...)  
  regarding a girl's attraction to nice cars: i myself am a big fan of hot cars. when i pass by a souped up muscle car or a tactfully pimped out ride, and hear that aftermarket exhaust/ premium sound system, i can practically feel the horsepower right where it counts. a finely tuned machine is a huge turn on for me, and i admire those who find joy in working on their automobiles.i find cars fascinating, and wish i new how to replace headers and install turbochargers. i place having a nice car in the same category as being a physically attractive person. it will get my attention, perhaps spark my interest initially. but it is nothing i would put up with a bad (or no) personality for. and i would never turn a guy away if his car sucked. its nice to be seen with a hot guy or riding in a hot car (crotch rockets count here as well- damn i love speed!) but id take a guy with a good personality and an '89 mercury topaz any day. besides, when i get my own hot rod, i can give him rides- and maybe, if hes very lucky, let him drive once in a while.  
  Yet another moment, c/o The Benjamins:  6/15/02  This time, they were playing Tradewinds, down the shore.  Nice place, if I do say so myself.  I was hanging around the tiki bar area, with the nice waterfall, and pools, and jacuzzi...  I sat on a fake rock, I look to my left, and there is a pack of Camel Lights, a pack of Marlboro Lights, and a blue lighter. *$FREE SMOKES!$* I transferred all the Marbs into the Camel pack, and put them in my pocket.  I'm still holding the empty Marb Light pack, and blue lighter.  I'm not going to litter, what kind of horrible person do you think I am?!  I'm almost done with my smoke, and some guy asks to have his Marb Lights back.  I hand him the empty pack.  Then he asks for the blue lighter, which I returned as well.  I then immediately disappeared into the club, never to be seen again...  I bet he was pissed when he finally opened the box to find it empty.  I wasn't about to find out.  Fuck him!  He shouldn't have left them there in the first place.  
  the weekly paper in seattle is The Stranger, it provides us seattle-ites with something to do during the week and weekend, their personals contain the usual (W seek M, M seek W, W seek W, M seek M) but also contain some more risque ones, these usually fall under the swingers, or ?!?!?!? section, this one was found in the ?!?!?!? section:  HIDEOUS MONSTER  Fat, ugly, stupid man, prone to violence and pornography, seeks conniving nymphomaniac, 18-30, for criminal enterprises, emotional bondage and sexual dysfunction. Strippers, skinheads, and disowned debutantes encouraged.  wonder if he got any responses...  
  ever wonder why there is braille on the drive up atm?  
  When I was six, my father made the comment that the cylindrical inflated decorations they were using at the olympics that year looked like French Ticklers.    Somehow, even then I understood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in a party that night. There was this beautiful young angel sitting besides me. After a few beers and other suspicious solutions, I realised that my hand had suddenly (and unwillingly) slipped over her delicate shoulder. When she realised, she stared at me and said...  "What the hell are you doing?"  We are still together today.  
  My friend and I have a soft spot for Aftershock - that 70 proof drink that tastes like Red Hots candy. So...we kill the last of it and stash the bottle in the fridge before doing some drunken painting.  The next morning, he gets an idea. If you've ever seen a bottle of Aftershock, you know that candy condenses at the bottom.  What we did was put some hot water in the bottle and shake it for awhile, then let in sit. Pour it into glasses, and you have some of the sweetest tasting stuff ever. No alcohol, but it still tastes damned good.   I named it "Shock-Water". :)  
   Gearheads Survive Better Than Regular Folks  End of a long trip in my VW camper, I'm finally inside Rt. 128, heading to Cambridge.  After weeks of polite Upstate NY drivers, it's great to be back driving among the Boston Massholes. I glance down at the steering wheel. The spokes are weirdly at a 45&deg; angle, even though I'm driving straight. Non-gearheads could be excused for not noticing, or not thinking it significant. Non-gearheads could be dead, very quickly. I pull over, gingerly, and crawl under. Yup, the steering box has broken almost loose, just hanging on by a thin thread. Better call a tow-truck, right? But I'm Scottish, and don't like needlessly spending money. I crawl back under, and decide that the thread isn't  that  thin. I pull back out into the maniac traffic, take the next exit, and nurse it home, slowly and carefully. It finally breaks completely loose at a busy intersection, so I have to call a tow-truck anyway. No way! Damn waste of money! I crawl back under with a bungee cord...  
  Ways to be White Trash:  Working for the city  trailers  el Caminos  drinking in the desert  having relatives in jail  having a perm (bonus: you re a man)  Pick-up Trucks  K-mart cowboy boots  K-Mart anything  Dining out  means McDonalds  Ratt T-Shirts  Tails (Bonus: on toddlers)  Feathered Hair  Puffy-Painted T-Shirts  Drinking Hamms or Keystone  Plastic Lawn animals  Cameros  Iroc-Z s  Carports  Circle-K  3 1/4 Sleeves  Rent-to-Own  Tv Talk Shows  Home Shopping  Reading the Enquirer (Bonus: believing it)  Psychic Hot lines  Duke Boys  Working Construction  Dogs with handkerchiefs  Elvis  Acne  Landscaping  Flying-V Guitars  Chewing tobacco  Arcades  Roller Rinks  Bowling Alleys  Suburbs  Mormons  Malls  Strip Malls  Mac  n Cheese  Laundry mats  Ground beef  bait shops  Gitano  70 s Muscle Cars (Bonus:Primered)  Frozen Peas  Atari 2600  Britannia  Nintendo  Line-Dancing  Scrunch Socks  WindBreakers  Members-Only  Hustler Magazine  Jesse Helms  Jesse James  Pork chops   Fat - Free  or  Lite   Leg Warmers  Station Wagons  SafeWay  Motorhomes  Radio Shack  2-step dancing  CB s  Led Zepplin  Pink Floyd  Long Hair  Jeans with the Knees worn out  Wranglers  Fuzzy Toilet Seat covers  Backyard BBQ s  Dirt Bikes  Unicorns  Chef Boyardee  Viet Nam Vets  Jean Jackets  Arena Concerts  K-Mart family portraits  TV s with Rabbit Ears  Toilets as yard-ornament planters  Pork n  Beans  Hungry Man Dinners  Bible Belt  Milk Crates as Furniture  Love songs  Alabama  Oklahoma  Arizona  Country Music  Jimmy Swaggert  Kentucky  Heavy Metal  Denim Mini-Skirts (bonus: Acid-Washed)  Revlon Cosmetics (the goodStuff)  Jaqueline Smith Clothing  Kathy Lee Gifford  Pet Portraits  Lard  cigarette Clothing Duffel Bags  Pit Bulls  8 Tracks  War Movies  Conan  Having 16 children  The electrical spool as coffee table  Smoking Marlboro Reds @ age 12  Doughboy swimming pools   
  I had just started dating this guy and brought him back to my apt. It was like the 2nd or 3rd time we had ever had sex, you know still kinda unsure of each other. Well, all of a sudden he gets up and says he has to pee, then proceeds to shut himself in the bathroom. Um, he must have eaten something bad that day because the sounds coming out of the bathroom were horrendous, I mean really loud and wet. I start laughing my ass off and he asks me if I can hear him, I say of course I can. Eventually he comes back out and I promise I won't tell any of our friends.   This story gets funnier everytime I tell it to someone.   
  Just saw them tow away the bitchneighbor's car.  And here i always thought that sugar in the gas tank thing was an urban legend.  
  One time when I was 13 I walked in on a complete stranger when she was using the bathroom at Rogers' Department Store.  Her surprised look and words, "I'm in here!" and the vision on her sitting on the pot remain clear as day in my memory.  I wonder if she rememebers me.    Hey lady, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.  By the way, nice ass.  
  We've been drinking too much whiskey at a football game.  My buddy was urinating in a concession cup, too lazy to leave, swaying unsteadily and splattering everywhere.  Suddenly the guy below turns around and says "Hey, you're pissing on me!"  
  I think the worst possible prank to pull on someone would be to eat a lot (and I mean a LOT) of asparagus, then 20 minutes later, piss in the air conditioning unit of his or her car.  They'd be smelling asparagus pee all summer.  
  An old girlfriend and I resolved one day to have sex in every room in my apartment in quick succession. There were only 5 rooms in the place so we got the chore done in a few hours, while my roommate was at work. We screwed in the big, soft armchair that he had in his room...that was probably the best of the series. We were a little bit afraid he'd leave work early and find us, which made it that much better.  I couldn't help but tell him about it a few weeks later. He's a bit of a prude, but told me that he expected it to happen eventually...I don't think he sat in his chair for a while after that.....         
  I met my first (and current) boyfriend when I was on vacation in the summer of 2002.  We hit it off then, but as he had a girlfriend, nothing happened, and probably wouldn't have anyway.  We remained friends though, keeping in touch through the Internet, and the occasional phone call.  After awhile, it became apparent that our interest in each other was a little more than friends, but because of the distance, we really couldn't do anything about it.  He asked me for pictures one day, which was fine by me.  I sent him a few.  About five minutes later, he told me he had to 'take a shower'.  I know him better than that, but still my first thought was 'Perfect timing'.  Wouldn't you have thought the same thing?  
  College. I took some mushrooms, a handful of stems and a half a cap. "Stems don't do nothing." I was told.  Bullshit.   I was meeting  my friends at a karaoke bar. My friend RC's girlfriend was singing that night. On the way I stumbled around the rain-fresh streets, the fallen branches seemed like massive earthworms until I was overtop them.  The bar was downstairs and only open a few times a year. It was like a time capsule from the early eighties. The walls were cheap panelling and lime green textured drywall. The singing had begun as I walked into the musty overly-lit bar.  I ordered a shot of Wild Turkey from the bartender. His Magnum P.I. mustache looked like a massive wooly worm. "Wow. Somebody's ready to party 2nite!" he said. I looked at him and grunted, it's all I could manage.  Back at the table we watched a large black man and a small chinese dude sing "Ebony and Ivory". My friend Chad, on shrooms as well, began to heckle them. Josh spilled his Strohs on me.  I sat looking at my pants, the stain moved around the denim. I laughed and looked up at Josh.  "Back off man.", he said like a cornered badger. Josh looked like Gary Busey really hung over. I laughed harder.  The singing lulled and I went to the head. I fell on the way and sat there on the floor, my pants stained with beer. A group of cute chicks laughed at me. I smiled back.   My friend's girlfriend finally took the stage. She sang some Alanis Morrisette songs, her perky tits danced around. My friend was lucky.  The night ended with the local karaoke star. A man with a heavy mustache and feathered hair. Dressed in denim with gold chains dangling amongst his brush of chest hair.  He was singing a Righteous Brother's song to my friends girlfriend. "You've lost that lovin' feeeuhhlin!", she was eating it up. Like an old dog gulping down a cat turd. "Ohh oh, that luuuvvin' feealuhn!"  Suddenly RC didn't look so lucky anymore, he looked hurt and pissed.  We left, without the RC and his girlfriend and I slowly slipped back into reality.  But I didn't go without a fight.     
  The local supermarket has, of course, 20 more disabled parking spaces than could ever actually be needed, but it also has four spaces reserved for pregnant women and people with very small children.  Very thoughtful of them. Makes my life much easier.  When I'm there, I take upon myself the job of policing those four slots.  I pull into one of them one day, just as a car full of teens pulls into the next one.  The slim driver goes into the store while the rest sit smoking cigarettes.  Before getting my son out of his car seat, I walk over and stick my head  into the thick fug inside.  Me: "Eh, which one of you is pregnant?"  They try to look threatening, but I  just give them the Steve McQueen come-get-me smile until one mumbles: "Eh, she is -- the one in the store."  Me: "How pregnant is she?"  They: "Eh, two months."  Me: "You know you shouldn't be smoking around her, don't you?"  They: "Oh, yeah..."  Me: "In the meantime, how about one of you back this thing into that handicapped slot behind you -- don't you think that'd be more appropriate?"  They: "Eh, yes, sir."  Lots of fun, but probably a little dangerous. Lately I don't confront them -- I wait until they go into the store and let the air out of their tires :-)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i fucking never get promoted.  damn office politics.  or maybe it's all the times I fart, thinking no one will come near, then someone comes over to ask me a question.  the look on their face makes me smile.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every weekend my friends and I would attempt to get upto as much mischief as possible to get our names in the paper. The most special (and lowbrow) was when we did a stealth run to the local golf course at 2.00am pouring quickset concrete into all of the holes, then marking out 20ft pentagrams on the 4 greens closest to the fence with petrol and lighting them - then we all backed off into the woods with the video and waited for the Fire Trucks to arrive - They didn't come - bastards. They ended up having to dig up the greens to get rid of the pentagrams - happy about that.  
  She knows that I'm extremely ticklish, so she tickled me from behind as a joke.    My natural reaction to being tickled is to convulse and flail my arms about.  Because of this, and the fact that she had surprised me so, I elbowed her in the nose.  Neither of us found the joke very funny.      
  The locals here love to wear dark lipliner with a very pale lipstick. It's a really unattractive look, but they thrive on it. I'm not the only one to think so, because after I rang up a sale for a couple of them and they skanked their way out, the old lady behind them watched them leave and said to me "Looks like someone's been sucking the shit dick, don't it?" I gave her 10% off just for that.  
  May 1998, RFK Stadium Metro Station, Washington, DC  I was on my way to my first HFStival. By time I got to the final station, I had drank a good 6 cans of beer (warm Red Dog) without pissing. I discovered that day that holding in your pee can be more painful than you could ever imagine. I get off the train, and realize that finding a toilet quickly would not be easy. So I walk up to the end of the platform, up to the gate that prevents you from walking into the actual tunnel, whip it out and start peeing the most wonderful pee I've ever had, and probably will ever have. The whole time I prayed that a train didn't come down the tunnel, cause it would have blown all that urine back onto me, and quite frankly, that would have ruined the great feeling of victory I had at that moment.  My female friend got pretty angry at me, cause she was in the same situation as me, but being female, could not have done the same thing without showing off her goods.  
  We could explain the burn marks on the carpet, we could explain the bits of paper strewn about the house and we could even explain the ash marks on all the walls and ceilings... but when we couldn't explain the missing bottle rockets... it was then we realized our story was quickly falling apart.  
   So I'm in an NYC subway station with some friends and my brother, we're walking towards the train when we see two girls, maybe 16-18 years old at most go running screaming through the passage. Everyone turns to stare but noone does anything, 5 seconds later this toothless, dirty, old man comes racing after them yelling "here girly girly" with a big ol' grin on his face. Once again, everyone just stared in shock, instead of ya know... stopping him or something, gotta love New York!  
  go so drunk at a conference. some girls offered some friends & i 5 bucks a piece if we would strip nude and dance in their hotel window. i agreed. none of my friends would, so i said i would give an extra 5 (plus the girls's 5 equalling 10 bucks) to them. my friend agreed. i realized the next morning that i had danced naked for free. i did do crazy naked stunts for money the rest of the conference; ended up eating for free. take that world!  
  Bill Gates is OK.  Microsoft Office Products is OK.  Problem is with the company Information System (I/S) who continue to add all kinds of kinky software stuff to the servers making my job and thousands of others' jobs difficult.  The CEO says, "Be productive!"  Scuze me, but my time ain't cheap while trying to work within the company's slow.. slow... slow system. Others make 3x more than I. How is that productive?  I want so badly to retire.   
  Working where I do, I'm constantly yelling at little kids to slow down, to not run, and to generally not move fast around me. Now I feel when something young and short moves quickly by me, and I naturally say, "No running." The last time I said this automatically, the kid had a really witty response. He said, "I'm not." He wasn't.  I told the kid in the wheelchair not to run.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         And then she asked him: "Don't you wanna smell my vomit-encrusted nosering?"  
   The 'Brow  Really  Leaks Back Into My Life (and scares the crap out of me)  BrewPub (of course). Chatting and flirting with a very interesting woman. She says she's in from Cleveland, for a conference for a few days. Yum. I tell her that I visit Cleveland regularly. She suddenly gets a strange, thoughtful look in her eyes, glances around, leans back, looks outside, spots my minivan parked out front. She: " You're Limbo! " I stare at her blankly: "Come again?" She: "You're Limbo! From LowBrow!" Really neat lady. I was really starting to feel hopeful. Me: "I'm sorry. What do you mean?" She: "This is a BrewPub, you're Scottish, you're flirting like crazy with me, and you drive a white minivan! You're Limbo!" I look completely blank and confused. Damn - I was really starting to like her, but what if she's some kind of wierdo, only here to track me down? Me (shakily): "I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about." She: "Eh, oh, I'm sorry. Incredible coincidence, though!" Me: I still don't know what you're talking about, but could we talk about something else?"  
   Did the men-folk in "Lost in Space" (the TV show) ever get laid?!?? Like, outer-space seemed to make Capt. Kirk horny, but those guys never seemed to hit on their women. Weird, huh?      
  I used to masturbate staring at a picture of David Lee Roth I had tacked to my ceiling    
  His friend was trying to shock me. He finally went off on some babble about how he has this ultra-hot girlfriend, and all the kinky sex they have, and how he never has say anything, she just fucks and sucks like there's no tomorrow. "And," he crows, "she's only 14! But you know the REALLY disturbing part?" "When she asks for change back?" I said.   
  How do you know when its time to leave the party?  I've found that the tear gas is a good sign.  
  Drinkin Buddies:  LowBrowLimbo* Xerxes The Great limbo@lowbrow* limbo@ijustgotfired* Snikrepkire John_Clavis  Fuckin Buddies:  LaDeeFrickingDa princess_Zelda23 the?...cutenerdgirl cheerleaderatyercrotch exwife@txexes janebondage007  Yeah, thatd be the life...  
  I never cease to get amazed when I can convince a complete stranger to suck my cock.  What in the hell is she thinking?  
  There's this street called "Michel Hunt Rd" near here.  I'm wondering if There's a Seymore Butts Ave around here somewhere, too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had house guests, family so to speak. I came home from work and went to take a piss and in the bowl was the biggest brown log ever.  Funny how I noticed that there wasn't any toilet paper in the bowl....as if it was so perfect she didn't need to wipe.  
  Back when I started posting (right, like it's really been  that  long), I wanted an e-mail address that was completely anonymous, easy to access, and most of all, unique.  Yeah, I could go Yahoo!, but "@yahoo.com" can be pretty bland.  Same with hotmail.  So, I looked around.  Finally, I found it... "your name" @mad.scientist.com.  I loved it!  So now I'm clicking on the brow and come across two other e-mail addys that end "mad.scientist.com".  Whoa-hoh-hoh!  I've started a trend!  I've never done that before!  I'm impressed with myself!    Pathetic, isn't it?   
     A flight attendant once asked me where I was from.  I said Alabama.  She said "you poor soul."  You know, she was right.  I dream of LA (Los Angeles you dip not lower Alabama) every day.     
  It's kinda like wearing panties that say "Monday" when it's clearly a Thursday kind of day.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time in like 8th grade, I jammed my knee in gym class and had to go to the nurse.  She was young, attractive, but didn't know what the fuck she was doing. She was on her knees like feeling my knee and stuff, above and below it, when I realized I was wearing gym shorts and just boxers under that. I thought it was cool when she almost grabbed my dick instead of giving medical attention, but alas, it didn't happen. I heard she is like a substitute teacher now...   
  It wasn't until I was on the plane that I realized that we left the rope tied to the bedpost for the chambermaid to find.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Poetry magnet wisdom: "Wild woman today is ugly old man tomorrow."  
  I used to work at a gas station. Well, one night, some old ladies came in hysterical, yelling about some guy who was in the car with them just died. So they actually dragged him into the gas station from the car. So this old dead dude is laying on the floor and one gas station employee starts freaking out thinking she is Superman and starts giving him mouth to mouth.  Turns out they had been on a really long road trip and the old ladies thought he was sleeping and he'd been dead for hours.  Ewww...she gave mouth to mouth to a *REALLY* dead guy.  Superman would have known better.   
   ____    --- [   _}--;. .|  7 /    | o |  -`     | ^ |          \_/  I am power drill.  Hear me bore?  
  "coffee shouldn't be this way," I reasoned.  "It should be an experience: something you sit down to with a good book or a game of chess.  It shouldn't be a punishment for unatoned sins."  "You want cream with that, honey?" the red-headed girl behind the counter asked, gum popping and freckles freckling.  "No... thanks."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  When I was quite little, one of my cousins wondered aloud how many peas a person could put up their nose. My mom made me quit after 15, but I'm sure I could have done at least 20. Ten per nostril, that is.  
  The Block option on email makes me feel vaguely godlike, and I block like there's no tomorrow. Then I notice I get nothing and feel lonely. So I unblocked them all. I guess panty sniffer porn spam is better than no love at all.  
  when you swore to me that you weren't who you appeared to be, and i believed you.  we two liar's played at liar's poker, and i lost the hand.  walked away with the kitty though, didn't i.  
  sitting in my dorm room, i proudly looked at the vacuum cleaner i had just assembled. it was the middle of the night, and i was in a tank top and a thong, ready for bed. against my better judgement, i decided to see if the thing would actually clean my floor after all of that, and i commenced to vacuum my room. at that point i realized what time it was and that my suitemates would not knock if they were going to come tell me to shut up. i put on some pants.   i learned two things that night: vacuuming is a lot more fun without pants, and i need to get some male suitemates.  damn you, world, for ruining my erotic fantasies.  
  What the difference between Pork and Beans and Beenie Weenies?  They are both made by VanDeCamp and they both have the same description on the label. As far as I can tell the only differece is that Pork and Beans are $.69 for 8oz while Beenie Weenies are $1.35 for 7.7oz. Whoever does marketing at VanDeCamps is a smart man.   Kids love the word weenie.   
  every morning when i drive to work, i see the street blocked off.  large, double-length dump trucks are backed up to an old building with a huge hole in the wall.  the trucks are dumping something into the basement.  there is no writing on any of the trucks.  no signs.  no names, no "Big Dave" or "Rusty".  Only dusty, dark colors.  men in plain hardhats and generic coveralls eye me as i make the turn in front of the orange cones. they all have the same eyes.  one day some of them were wearing rubber suits with masks.  nobody gets within 50 feet of the trucks...the backs of the trucks are covered with heavy tarps.  nobody seems to know what they're dumping, and even fewer seem to care   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Not to toot my own horn, but I really don't need any "ENLARGE YOUR PENIS BY 2-5 INCHES!" spam.  What I really need is "MAKE YOUR PENIS NOT BE SHAPED LIKE A QUESTION MARK!" spam.  
  waking up new year's day, searching for your 20 dollar pair of underwear, only to find them tangled up in a pair of spiderman pyjama pants. yes, he was a 23 yr old man. living alone, i had apparently worn his spiderman PJ's sometime during the evening.  
  after toking up outside on a rainy night we got hungry and went back to my friend's house, parent occupied. they offered the (unbeknownst to them) stoned children some eggrolls. me rummaging through the fridge for plum sauce goes into a giggle fit over plum sauce sounding like bum sauce adn wanting to pour it over eggrolls. my friend lied the next day when asked "so. since when does Jill do drugs?"  
  I was so totally into a guy once, I let him try all sorts of experiments. The weirdest one was drinking the canned juices of different fruits and vegetables to see how it would change the taste of his dick during a blowjob.  Don't ever try that with asparagus.  Trust me.  
  You know, the guy who plays/played Pinhead is this really soft-spoken, kind, gentlemanly English guy.   He says he can't make the spooky voice because they change his real voice with machines.  Yeah, I don't believe him either. ;)        
  My contribution to world: I'm going to degrees in physics and seismology.  Then I'll invent a weapon that will initiate massive earthquakes.  No more nukes.  We'll just kill other countries by shaking them until everything more than 6 feet tall falls over on top of them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can get my dog to grab and run away with anything by pointing at it and saying "gimme that sock!"  
  Once I told my friend that the wad of wasabi was actually guacamole so that I could watch the waitress try to run in a tight kimono.  She was only able to bring two glsases of water before she couldn't run anymore.  
  "Karkov" Vodka. The water of life.  Actually it is the Russian Gasoline of life. For $8.99 a half gallon, you might as well by the gas from a russian gas station.   
  He's 36 and he still plays D&D every week. And I was sober when I married him.  Figure the odds.  
       I work with a two way radio,and some times people get gabbing. One guy who also was running for a seat on the town council(and lost). Meant to say "I'm Retired" But instead said "I'm Retarded". Lol. Lol. Lol.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time before school I found a bottle of vodka in my backpack that my friend had left there.  It was the last day before winter break, so I knew I didn't have to do anything important, so I went over to 7-11 and bought a huge gallon jug of iced tea like many people in school do, emtied out 1/4 of it and filled the rest with the vodka I had left.  I challenged myself to drink the half liter of russian goodness before I left school that day.  The task was completed, but not before I woke up passed out in the gym lockerrrom over 5 hours after school ended.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Everything is more fun naked.  Except cooking with grease.    
  While the first one was over...before we had sex, two other booty calls called me.  He knew who was on the phone...I didn't really hide it, and he fucked me anyway.  But the greatest part was on the way out of my apartment...when he passed AND made eye contact with another booty call who was about to knock on my door.  And that one fucked me too.  I dunno if that's lowbrow, but it sure is something.  
  On one hand, I think I'm a little obsessive because I can't enjoy oral sex unless I give myself a rinse beforehand.    On the other hand, I'm really gratful I don't have a story about leaving a skidmark on someone's sheets.  
  so there i was, officially cursed with that title of "one of the guys". i know they think im attractive, and theyve all told me im one of the coolest girls they know. but no one tries to date me, cause we're all "cool like that". one day i find myself attracted to one guy friend in particular, someone i would normally never like in that way. i try my hand at flirting (very rare on my part) and what does it get me? he tells our friends, who once had respect for me, that "if he tried just a little harder, he could fuck me". i think im gonna go back to the asexual status i once held. its far more rewarding.  
  To all you angry-looking young women who work in Midtown and feel compelled to scowl while sauntering down the sidewalk:  Just once today, try making eye contact with an eldery old man and beaming him a genuine smile. Not only will it make his day, it'll probably make yours too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The lobster party was at the Hollis' that year. Libby dissected her lobster instead of cooking it; pointed out all the key organs to the younger children. She probed with excitement. I was impressionable.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  "I never get seasick," the elderly British woman said gleefully to me in the passengers' lounge, "but my son can't sail at all. He's taken two Dramamine already!" Half an hour later, on the hovercraft in the middle of the Channel, she was puking her guts out while he slept.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Taking a piss   Washing my hands with the new and improved antibacterial hand formula to make sure every germ is killed.  Then drying my hands with a dirty towel.  Makes me feel like i wasted my time with hygiene.  
  Workplace Masturbation Trials and Tribulations:  I masturbate at work.  Usually, I'm looking at net porn and kinda just handling my business.  It soon becomes apparent that my business will come to a head very quickly.  What do you do?  Do you:  a) Tuck him up under your belt and pull your shirt down, walk the 75' to the bathroom, put the seat down, wipe the seat (gotta be sanitary!), pull down pants (and/or boxers, depending on personal taste), regain the erection that you lost on the way because you had to walk by your engineering co-workers, then let loose into the toilet bowl, keeping only a small portion of the satisfaction because of the interruption.  b) Stop and call your girl (who's 45 miles away) to meet you at lunch.  c) Stop and wait till you get home so you can launch at whatever you want.  Well, I do choice D.  Now my boxers are cold and wet.  But oh! the release!  
  Contrary to popular opinion, happiness is in fact not a warm gun, but more aptly warm underwear fresh from the dryer.  - moon2js@jmu.edu -------------------------------  Would bliss be warm underwear and a warm gun?  
  Holding her softly in my arms, with her head on my shoulder, rubbing my hands down her back.  All while I face the T.V. and watch Saved By The Bell.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love most Zimbabwean music, but I don't quite understand their long-running tradition of putting football (soccer) game commentaries to music. "The Dynamos are leading, two goals to one, But the Tornados are in the penalty box, And it's a  goal!!!!!!!!! " Beats the hell out of Britney, but I don't quite get it...  
  I went on a freebie binge a month ago. I signed up online to get everything I could free. Today I just got my 1oz Astroglide sample in the mail. I'm going to masturbate with it tonight.  Cheers.  
  So I was sitting on the tube, and we were pulling into the Baker Street station.  In front of me were two american backpacking summer-vacationing world-exploring college-attending girls.  One girl looked to the next.  "Look, Charles Dickens."  The other one nods her head and says "oooh."  Moments later, "Isn't it Sherlock Holmes?"  Saving face the first girl says, "Yeah.  Dickens wrote Sherlock Holmes."  Second girl says "Oh right, I forgot" and returns to her copy of  "Lets Go! Europe".  My laughter causes me to miss my stop.  
  "I wanna see you do it with your electric toothbrush, baby," he moaned to me.  "OK, but only if you promise not to laugh." ~puck~   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once went skinny dipping with my friend and two girls.  My friend is black, and what do you know, he had a much bigger penis than I did.  So while the girls were ogling over his flaccid six-inch garden hose as it slowly erected into a nine-inch monstrosity, my little mushroom in the forest got no love.    That's when I started masturbating, then everyone turned and looked at me.  My penis went from 2 inches to a whopping 5 inches!    Needless to say, I was laughed at and he got to participate in a threesome that night.    I masturbated some more.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         18th birthday.  drunk.  two cars.  bunch of friends.  a lot of eggs.  egging everything... pedestrians, car dealerships, other vehicles,  denny's, andsoforth.  finally, someone chases us... two hicks... in a pick-em-ep truck.  chase us for miles, at least thirty or forty.  hurling eggs at them all the time.  friend, behind the rednecks, hanging back.  speed racing, i don't let them gain on us.  they give up... persistant, but defeated.  as they turn off: egg, out the driver window of my friend's dodge diplomat, 60 miles per hour, perfect aim.  chase resumes.  i let my friend pass me, let the hicks catch up, get next to me. they went away pretty quick when i showed them my .357 magnum replica airgun.  
  I can't decide if I like Acme or ShopRite brand cream soda better.  At something like $5 for 24, it kind of boils down to which store is more convenient.  
  grunting like a caveman, pushing and pushing and still it wouldn't plop. "goddamnit, come out you stupid fucking piece of shit!" i thought. then i laughed. it really WAS a piece of shit. the irony.  
  Don't feel sorry for toilet paper. It wants to do it's job well. It wants to clean your hole. It wants to get all the bits and pieces out of your butt hairs. It wants to succeed. Don't feel sorry for toilet paper.  
  "I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself, a small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough before it ever felt sorry for itself." DH Lawrence  ...still fucking dead isn't it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had been pulled over for speeding...  Cop:  I've been waiting all day for you Me:  Well, i got here as fast as i could  after he finished laughing, he let me go  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A bat somehow got into the radio station this evening.  It flew around really confused for quite a while.  It would stop and hang from the ceiling sometimes, and if you stood under it and looked at it, it would look back and kind of open it's mouth as if to say help.  Eventually it flew down and landed on the floor and we got it into a box and let it go.  Man, bat's are cool.  
  I was looking at my drivers license the other day. All the names of the counties in the state that I live in is superimposed on my picture, and written in gold... The 2 counties over my picture is Beaver and Box...     
  Okay, so my friends and I were walking across campus, and there are tourist groups of little Japanese schoolgirls everywhere. I mean, actually wearing the sailor outfits and taking pictures of the buildings! So for no apparent reason we decide to sing the "Brave Sir Robin" song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the top of our lungs as we pass by, skipping arm in arm.  I hope we made it into someone's travel diary.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so two hours after taking the gel-tab, im sittin on this couch babbling incoherently with my friends. There is a spaceman talkin to some guy across the room, and the roots are blaring from the speakers.   then the nitrous comes out.  then i cant hear anything. then i can't move. then my hands are tingling.  then im freezing. then i pass it on.   it's all fun and games till the nitrous comes out.  
  I'm sitting in the basement of my house, passing around a pipe and eating brownies. I know about half of these people in theory, but right now I probably couldn't tell you more than two names. They're all friends of my brother's, and they're all high to some degree.  "Damn," I think. "Most times, you have to go find the weed. But when your brother comes to visit for the weekend, the weed comes to you."  
  Once when I was in film school... We were setting up for the next shot when I noticed that the lighting man was taking a shit with the door open. He looks at me and says, "Take a picture why don't you?"  Like i'm being rude or something. By this time everyone else has noticed what's going on and our still photographer says "O.K." and starts taking shots. So the lighting guy is mad now and tries to come after us with his pants down. He falls on his face beat red and shouting at us.  Everyone laughed for so long the the Director said fuck it and called a break until everyone could calm down. The lighting man was fired but we never found out why he did'nt close the door.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just took some sort of test where it picks out my ideal celebrity match. It was Michael Bolton. Out of every horrid, vengeful, mean, karma-destroying thing I've ever done, this makes me the most ashamed. Michael fucking Bolton.  Gak.  
  when gods die .  i sat there completely seething due to the four offhandedly insulting comments the illustrious doctor had directed at me while in the company of people i respected i started this little duckseasonrabbitseason reversepsychologything playing each comment like a card simply and evenly with the now perfected pokerface manipulated into selfdegredation so easily whilst the people i respected joined in and keyed on the doc made me gloat in my hubric regicide more karmic turmoil in the bank for sure but i d play every card again      
  I heard him enter, and slump down in the stall next to mine.  Merely a brief grunt, and what followed sounded like a box full of jello breaking and splattering it's contents onto a wood gym floor...  
  Elementary school days.  One of my clearest memories from childhood.  DARE meeting.  The teacher, Officer Austin, says, "We live here in America, America, America, where everything has to be bigger and --"  Half a pause, his mouth is half open and his arms are spread, waiting for us to state the obvious answer.   "Meaner" says someone. "Stronger" offers another.  "B word" says Officer Austin.  "Bigger" says one kid. "Badder" I venture.  "Better" he says. "Better. Bigger and better. Everything has to be bigger and better."  All I have to say for humanity is that We All Suck Dick.  
  There are days that you can actually be happy to be alive.  And on those days you can make a woman cum 9 times.        
  Portapotties are particularly uncomfortable environments for most people, even more so for me.  Whenever I've left a turd anywhere I turn around and check the little fucker out.  There's a lot to be learned from your turd.  It's colour, consistency, buoyancy, dispersion and general shape can tell you a lot about your health.    Best I not leave out the factor of pride either.  A good dump should be admired for a moment or two before it is sent to it's final resting place.  But every time I finish up in a Portapotty I rise and turn only to befuddled confusion.    Ack!  Which one's mine.  Oh there it is...    ...nope I didn't have corn yesterday.   
  I'm watching this special on death row. They place inmates to be executed on 'death watch' for the two days prior to the actual execution.  'Death watch' means they're under constant 24 hour surveillance.    How lowbrow is that??  A guy is going to die within the next 48 hours and he can't even get his jerk on.  
  We were just starting to fool around when my 2 year old woke up from his nap. I put him on the couch with his sippy cup and a blanket and put on Sponge Bob to babysit for a few minutes.  We relocated to the bedroom to find where we'd left off. As it heated up, I heard my son rustling around with things in the living room. A few minutes later, I could hear the buttons of the cordless phone, but it's easier to overlook things you normally wouldn't allow when you're making love in the next room.  A few minutes later there is a pounding at the front door. I throw on pajama pants--didn't bother to put on a shirt--and rush to answer the door (took a couple minutes).  "I'm Officer [something or other]. I'm responding to a 9-1-1 hang-up. Is everything alright?"  I glare at my son for a second before explaining that my 2-yr-old must have dialed it. He steps half-way in and glances around as my girlfriend comes walking into the living room in her pj's and a t-shirt.  "Ma'am, is everything alright?" as he checks my eyes for honesty.  I know he was doing his job, and I know my son didn't know any better, but when I realized the officer was debating as to whether or not Carey had tried to call the police as I hit her or something, I so badly wished there was someone to blame so I could yell. Took a few minutes before I could laugh about it, but it's a fun story to tell.  Didn't finish what we started until that night after Ben had fallen asleep. Good stories come at a cost.  
  Your search - "i am fucking lonley" - did not match any documents.    The alternate search- "i am fucking lonely" - also did not match any documents.    
  my dad and i were somewhere in the middle of wisconsin on our harleys.  after a while i notice that he waves every single time we go past a herd of cows.  the next time we stop, i ask him about it. "well, you know how there's always one cow standing by the road, watching you go by?" "sure." "well, i wave at him, just in case the hindus are right."  
  My son had a bloody nose in the new car, so I made him take off his dirty sock and hold it to his nose so that the blood wouldn't drip on the upholstery.  
  Once, after a serious night of drinking in college, I poured a bowl of Fruit Loops and added beer.  Surprisingly tasty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I drive a special ed bus... you know, the short one.  I teach my kids to yell "Yeehaw!" "Chickenbutt!" "Shove yer hoffa!" and sing Supertramp songs.  
  Every once in a while I feel the need to thank people and express gratitude.  I believe that we would do better as a species if we would acknowledge the little things in life more often. On that note, I'd like to take a moment to thank some of women that make internet porn so satisfying.    Indeed, thank you plump women who would gladly bend over on a bed and spread their ass cheeks to reveal their dialated cornholes. Thank you to all the nubile young ladies that would spread their legs wide and release a stream of piss into the air. Thank you to all the sultry redheads who would masturbate furiously so that the camera can capture the wet sheen of pussy juice all over their crotches, hands, and legs. Thank you to all the little blondes who manage to maintain a bright smile while your bodies natural lubricants drip forth from your pussies. Thank you the little spanish girl that shoved an entire fist up her ass and then made all sorts of noise that indicated both pain and pleasure at the same time.  Thank you to the brunette that that kept her deep brown eyes towards the camera as she smiled with cum hanging on her lip.  Thank you to the teen in pink panties rubbing her crotch with a dildo until the wetness soaked through.  Thank you to the lady that took off said teen's panties and licked them clean, all while fingering herself at the same time.  Thank you exotic looking raven haired girl spread-eagle across the bed while spreading your pussy.  Thank you "Britney" for stimulating my panty fetish and allowing me the privlage of using your image as masturbation fodder not less than 10 times.  Thank you "Monika" for experimenting with lube, butt-plugs, anal-beads and fingers for my benefit.  Thank you dirty co-ed for masturbating through week-old dirty panties.  Thank you _GREATLY_ all you asshole licking lesbians that decide that the best way to stimulate another lady is by playing with her ass.  Indeed, your works do not go unappreciated.  Thank you for smiling while you indulge my perverted fetishes.  Thank you for being the images that I picture while I yank my dick, play with my balls, and shove things in my ass.  A special thanks has to go to the creators and actors of "female ejaculation" videos.  I don't care whether you really are cumming or just squirting piss into the air and all over your partner, you will always hold a special place in my heart.  Maybe one of these days I'll get to return the favor.  But until that day, thank you for allowing me to create and squirt a gallon of cum over the years.  Thank you for allowing me material to masturbate to as often as 5 times a day.  Thank you.  I believe that covers most of my fetishes.  Perhaps I'll tell you more about them later.  
  High School Days:  I get out early one day and meet my girlfriend at her house.  Her parents both work and it's only 2 PM so there's plenty of time to have some fun.  We start fooling around and just as we're about really get into it, so to speak, in walks her dad.  He looks at the both of us and proceeds to have a conversation like we're not both naked under the sheets.  He starts talking about how he got out early and now he has to go pick up her mom.  He asks if we have any plans for dinner.  And then, with a straight face he says, "Oh, but you probably already ate out, didn't you?" and then starts giggling.  While I was greatful he wasn't trying to kick my naked ass, at the same time I was kinda disturbed.  
    My roommate's called in sick...we tied one on last nite and his ulcer's acting up.   I'm on the phone with his coworker who's been called in for him.  He asks if my roommate feels alright.   Just as I relay this message, he turns his head and begins vomiting violently into the wastebasket.   Me: "so, was that a yes heave or a no heave?"  
  we were at the cc club friday night... the big italian meathead with the slicked hair comes back from the bathroom and says: "well, it's gone..." "what's gone?" "the dollar..." turns out, dude gets a kick out of tossing dollars into urinals as he pisses on them... then waits to see how long the pissed-soaked dollar lasts before some scrub retrieves it. a lowbrow action to test the lowbrow characteristics of a drinking establishment... a pretty good gauge, i say.  
  Not my moment - a friend's.  He and his wife bought a great looking black Tee shirt for his 15-year old son for Christmas.  On the back was a picture of a cute monkey. On the front the words, "Spank the Monkey".  The 15-year old son had to tell dad the meaning.  
  So, love in the biblical sense is sex, right?   So, according to the ten commandents, we're supposed to fuck our neighbors?  
  At that moment, the view of San Francisco was beautiful.  Too bad the stench of urine obscured the view.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Watching some movie with Sandra Bullock in it when my friend Brad looks at me and says:  "Yeah, I'd drink her bathwater..."  My first thought was "WTF??", but after careful thought it dawned on me...I would do the same thing, given the chance...  
  I went on a blind date with a woman who had been born without a right hand, so she had a hook there instead.  I didn't mind -- she was a neat lady, and we had a fun date.  But I still think something like that should have been mentioned before we met...  
  The day after thanksgiving, shoppers decided to riot outside of the Target store, where I work, before the store even opened. The police and the fire department showed up. I suspect the police showed up to restore order and break up the riot, but they never got the chance. They stayed in their cars with their lights on as the fire fighters hosed down the riotous mob with their high pressure hoses. I stood inside the door and smirked.    Reply,  I work at Target, and that is by far the funniest thing I have ever heard. I could only dream of seeing that.   
  Ok one summer like a year ago I was getting a handjob from my old girlfriend. She got a little to excited at one point and pulled to hard, the end result being that she snapped that piece of skin that holds on the foreskin. I was basically circumsized at the age of 17.   I wasn't impressed  
  In retrospect I guess I should have known...  He said "Don't worry since they haven't taken your name, you can just leave."  Unfortunately we happened to be at the police station at the time.  Like I said in retrospect I guess I should have known.  I should have known that someone who has dropped out of high school 2 times is NOT a person to take legal advice from.  
  Why is it that in porn they always show close ups of the girl enjoying herself? I don't care about that. I'm there to see these three studs go large on her pussy. I don't care if she's having a good time or not.    If she's not, she's in the made a bad career move.   
  Don't you hate it when there is a fruit fly in your drink?  There's no need to get a new drink though because they are small and go down easy.   
  You know the beer St. Pauli Girl?  The one with the slogan: "You never forget your first Girl" and the picture of the wholesome, buxom waitress holding beer steins?  The St. Pauli district in Hamburg is the red-light district.   I can just imagine the business meeting where they came up with the name for the new beer they wanted to export to America...    
  I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another  ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...      
  I told my parents that I wanted a cable modem to do lightening fast research for my homework.  Really I just want super lightening fast lowbrow  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i'm running a quote here at work for a company called General Pump.  if i ever become a porn star, that's going to be my name.  
  I have this friend who works for Mr Gattis and the other night he came home with one of those awesome little plastic whistles with the turbine inside and you can suck on them to make them go VRRRREEEOOOO. Being the evil geniuses we are we made a crazy pipe out of it so everytime wed take a hit it would make the great noise. Flash forward about three nights later to a drunken night in the basement. We decided to step outside and get a little stoned. Its hard to tell what scared us more, hearing the bowl whistle cause we forgot it would, or looking up to see his dad coming to the window cause he heard the noise. And the part that made it lowbrow, looking up and exhaling...  
  some people do put time into these things some people can write i cant even spell        
   She was big, real big. She wore a short, purple and blue flower-print skirt that accented her bottom so well it looked like a French countryside. She had a young boy with her,  apparently working off a recent sugar high as he was running about and touching everything in sight. She opened her mouth and spoke in a voice that seemed too angelic for the words, "get your ass over here!" I expected a thunderous roar that would cripple and shatter a mountain, but it was soft and sweet. I was drawn to this voice. I wished to frolick in the French Countryside as she spoke to me.      She repeatedly picked at the flowers. She wiggled her backside and the flowers moved as if they were being blown about in a hurricane. I felt a strange sensation in my hands, something was commanding my hand to go beyond this enormous field, an urge to pick myself a flower. My mind spoke, "flowers are just the beginning to a beautiful relationship, touch the mother of all flowers." Just as I was to reach for my flower, the caffeinated child came running up and tugged at my field of purple and blue. She turned to him with fire in her eyes and I thought, "damn, how sexy is that?" Then I realized it was a fire born from the depths of hell as she backhanded the little hyperactive boy into oblivion! He fell to his knees, all of his energy knocked from his wracked little body. The big lady shot me a look and I felt a storm of chills run through my body.      I looked to the little helpless heap of a child on the ground and silently thanked him for saving my life and taking one for the team.   
  For the guy who asked "why 9 minutes?"  Clock experts say when snooze alarms were invented, the gears in alarm clocks were standardized. The snooze gear was introduced into the existing mix and its teeth had to mesh with the other gears' teeth. The engineers had to choose between a gear that made the snooze period nine-plus minutes or 10-plus minutes. Because of the gear configuration, 10 minutes on the nose was not an option.  According to these clock historians, engineers chose the shorter snooze, figuring "less than 10 minutes" seemed more punctual and marketable than sending people back to dreamland for "more than 10 minutes." The public became accustomed to this, and clock makers have generally stuck with it.  General Electric-Telechron marketed the first snooze alarm in 1956. Check out that clock online at www.telechron.net/  7h241.htm.  But not all snooze alarms buzzed every nine minutes. In 1959, Westclox released "drowse" alarms that could be set for either five or 10 minutes of snooze time. Later Westclox marketed clocks with a seven-minute snooze alarm.  Still, nine minutes is the norm.   
  The whole neighborhood looks to ME when they want to find out for sure if it's the right day to put out their recycling items.        
  I've got a blockbuster of an idea for a movie, feel free to steal it.. its so fucking awesome.. its called 'twisted buttplugs from mars'   its.. ahh you're not interested..  
   The Worm Turns II  By 1980 or so, my constant diet of feminist dogma is really getting to me.  Friends invite my wife Annie and I to dinner. We arrive and find six women already there. Normally I'd be delighted with that mix, but I can see my whole night flashing in front of me.  And so it comes to pass. It's not as if they're actually discussing anything -- they're just sitting there reinforcing each other (thus went the '70s and half of the '80s, yawn...).  Then one says: "All men are pricks." The table erupts with laughter.  When it dies down, I turn to the speaker: "What did you say?"  She looks a little taken aback, but brasses out a combatative: "What did it sound like?"  (Rule one of debate:  never  ask a question that you don't know the answer to. With an opening  that  big, I'm always going to drive my mouth through it)  Me: "To me, it sounded exactly like: 'All women are cunts'"  Bedlam. Outrage. I'm thrown out of the house. Annie looks conflicted, so I tell her to stay.  Two years pass before I finally convince Annie that the two sentences  are  exactly equilivents...  
  I am misguidedly trying to sell my motorhome. Thank goodness I didn't, because it's now my only home. Anyway, I get one of the bartenders at the BrewPub interested, because he's moving to Vail, COlorado, and he can't afford the ridiculous rents. I get home late one night, and just sit in my van in the dark for awhile, as I sometimes like to do, thinking about things. I hear footsteps coming up the driveway, and people talking. The bartender and his girlfriend walk past my van and examine my motorhome. He: "Hey, this looks pretty good! I could live in this for awhile. If the bastard would only come down on the price." They examine it in detail, and talk eagerly. It's 2am. I switch my headlights on. They jump about a yard high, and look really scared. I get out. I obviously have the advantage here: "Hi, you guys! The price is decent, and not negotiable." He didn't go for it, thank goodness, otherwise I'd be living in the garage...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Let's see...accidentally hitting a girl with down's syndrome in the face with a door and then laughing when someone exclaimed: "Look what you did to her!" I am a horrible, horrible person.  
  Back in high school, in our small town there was little else to do but hang out at the only mall. During Xmas season, my brother and I were wandering about when we came to the kiosk selling vibrating pillows.  The sales guy had my brother sit down and put a pillow behind his head, under the small of his back, and one under his feet.   Brother sat quietly for a few seconds, said "yeah, that feels kinda..." and rolled his eyes back in his head, stiffened out his arms and legs, and began to scream in a high-pitched whine and thrash about like he was being electrocuted. After about a minute of this, while a crowd gathered and the sales guy ran for help, he abruptly stopped, got up, and took my arm and walked me away down the hall. "What?" he said innocently.  
  The Poo Bomb  One of the fascinating things about new parenthood is the way I had in my mind certain basic assumptions about how the process would work, which were, in fact, to any actual parent, so totally and obviously wrong that there was no perceived need to point out that they are wrong. The things you don't know are so obvious that nobody bothers to tell you otherwise.   For example, I recently found out that I had one such assumption: that a diaper is capable of containing all the waste produced in any one "incident."   The other night, however, I experienced an incident I have christened The Poo Bomb.  I watched TV, peacefully, with the princess lying on the couch next to me. She made some mildly fussy noises, so I picked her up, took her into the nursery, and checked her diaper. I then found that she had shat out, conservatively, 70% of her body weight. The waste product flowed around the diaper like the wind passes by a stick. I had to cross myself. It was majestic.   It was like, well, imagine an anaconda swallowing a warthog. But in reverse. And the warthog is made of poo.  I am almost positive that she can unhinge her hip bones.  I am starting to develop calm, firm parenting instincts. So it was obvious what I had to do next. I got the camera and took some pictures. Someday, she will bring home a boyfriend I don't like.   Then I cleaned up everything. And I mean everything.  And the next morning, in direct violation of the Laws of Physics, she detonated another Poo Bomb. I swear to god she feels lighter.    
  Ok this takes the cake.  I read a Lowbrow moment where a kid said he pretended to be a girl in lesbian chat rooms.  What a fucking brainstorm.  So I made up a girl, just like he said, ect.  Found that lesbians were throwing themselves at my little Ms. Frankenstein.  Some of these women were more rude and direct then the hideous men who also threw themselves at her.  Then.  I found myself making her demure - selective.  She became clever and started to take no shit.  Turning away the sleaziest women and even beautiful ones if they were either rude or had no class.  What a girl she was turning out to be.  Then.    One morning while telling a girl that I was "wrapped up in a quilt because it was raining out and I so hate the cold" I realized the most awful thing of all time:  I had fallen in love with her.  My imaginary friend.  Miss Prometheus.  Oh God.  What the fuck would Freud say?    What does all this mean?  Am I a lesbian in a man s body?  Is it the ultimate narcism?  All I know is that now my head is all fucked up.  But I like it.  disclamer:  this may or may not have actually happened.  No fuck it, it did.   
  I just slashed my toe open on a  binder that was on my floor. Now, since I have a tendency to walk about barefoot, I decided to clean the cut out, lest something nasty decide to take up residence. So, I'm in my bathroom, grappling with the realization that I have nothing even closely approximating antiseptic. Except Listerine.  Says I to my roommate:  "Do you think Listerine would function as a general antiseptic?"  He: "Probably. Couldn't hurt, I guess."  So I pour Listerine over my bleeding toe. It stung a bit, which I guess is either a pretty good sign or a pretty bad one. I guess I'll have to wait and see if my foot falls off.  The bleeding stopped pretty quickly after that, though.    
  Whenever I change my medication I get really weird dreams - often of extreme violence. The other day I doubled up on the antidepressants... had this horrible dream of a news cast of mexican police suppressing a labor riot.  The close up image of a guy being bayonetted over and over and him cringing and screaming in now seared into my brain forever.  These pills are supposed to make me feel better...?  
  I'm on anti-depressants at the moment, and they've turned me into a fucking porn star. I can't cum in less than 30 minutes, and it frequently takes an hour. And that's not trying to string it out, that's going full on for the whole time.  If I had a girlfriend, she'd be buying me expensive gifts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My boss hires slim, young women, not cuz he' so progressive.  He does this cuz he wants to look at slim, young women.  
  how the fuck are you supposed to jerk off or piss in a car?  am i missing something?  the way i see it you either open the car door and expose yourself to the world or blow your contents all over the steering wheel.     i'm not wasting anymore time thinking about this, cause i'm not getting anywhere.    
  They finally cut the link to lowbrow at work; making it an unauthorized sight.  I bought my first computer last night.        
  Everytime I accuse my boyfriend of ignoring me (which is a few times a week), it turns out he's just high.  Somehow that's better.  
  Age 9 give or take a few years... I've tried to block it out of my memory:  After school one day I had to take a piss.  I was also chewing on bubble gum, and the thought came to me, "I wonder if I can blow a bubble with my pee?"  No, you can't.  And, having your mom help you get gum off of your dick with peanut butter is a humiliating experience.  
  I was running through my apartment despretly seeking out my keys. I was late and needed to leave. As I looked up I saw them across the room laying on my shoes...How they got there, I do not know. I broke out into a sprint, neglecting the coffee table in the center of the room. I suddenly found myself screaming a series of "fucks" and "holy sheists". I took the time to look down at my toe. The nail was half gone...I wish I was wearing the shoes that my keys were laying on...  
   Oregon Must Be Boring  Hitchhiking somewhere Deep In some forest that seems to go on forever. Yet another log-filled truck picks me up and deposits me at yet another deep-woods diner. 5-6 people are watching TV, so I look up. The TV set is showing only greenish whorls, with the occasional ghostly outline of a face. The sound is pure garbled white noise. No cable out here. I finally figure out that the customers are just loving this episode of "Dallas"   
  he said does this fuck anyone else up when someone shows you a picture they took of you it looks like you but its not the same mirror image youre used to so for a microsecond you get this eerie feeling like youre looking at someone who looks remarkably like you but isnt you at all like some long lost twin or some secret clone thing or enquote dood put the bong down you are totalled and at this point you are only wasting the dope        
  "gin and tonic," i said, trying not to look the bartender in the eye.   he nodded. as he reached for the gin, he paused.   i held my breath.   "didn't we go to high school together?"   my jig was up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One night while in college I was at a friends house smoking dope.  We were all pretty baked and I snuck into the kitchen to find something to chow.  In the orange glow of the dim refridgerator bulb I procured a jar of strawberry jam and proceeded to spoon it onto bread - within a minute I had downed three slices and felt pretty good about it.  Then while reaching to put the jam back I saw something in the jar and held it up to the tiny hot fridge bulb - growing on a little patch of unexcavated jam was a fine patch of glue and green mold thick as cotton.  I was so stoned I didn't care.  And most importantly I didn't get caught.    
  As I was walking to my car today leaving my community college, I noticed this girl with her arms full of books walking in front of my car. She looked like it was getting kind of heavy, and I thought to myself, self should I help this girl. Instead I hit the panic button and my alarm went off and her books spilled everywhere. I felt kinda bad, but then I thought, she should have a school bag for all of her books.   
  My boyfriend's parents expressed concern (to him) that maybe I was using him for his money. He sleeps on the floor of his friend's apartment.  He works as a checker in a grocery store.  The wheel has fallen off of his car- twice. Where is this supposed "money"? Maybe the fact that I'm dating him is lowbrow...  
   Aah, We're All Such Chemical Creatures, Aren't We? #2  Quite a few people have e-mailed, questioning me about my not getting laid in 3 1/2 years. They mostly respect my rule about not cheating, but they wonder loudly how I could survive. I have one word: Paxil. Pure chemical castration. Recently, figuring that my marriage is sufficiently over that it wouldn't be cheating anymore, I talk to my wonderful doctor. He: "Hmm - well, I could always give you Viagra." Me: "Yeah, but I don't have any problem getting or maintaining an erection -- I just have trouble getting and maintaining interest. I can't even masturbate." He: "That sounds like Paxil." We change my medication. Two weeks go by. Holy Jesus! I'm turning into a penis! Suddenly, I feel sorry for the poor woman who finally puts me out of my misery. Paraphrasing the immortal words of Ken Kesey (via Jack Nicholson): "The next woman I come inside is going to light up and pay out in quarters!" To that I add: Her eyes are also going to turn milky, and her nose will run...  
  "Lassie.  Hey, Lassie!"  the drunk kept hollering as only drunks can.  "I hate it when they call him Lassie" the boy leaned over to tell me. So does the dog.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I had just quit my job as a manager at a call center, and had saved up a bit of money. So I was in no hurry to get a real job. I thought it would be funny to work at the 7-11 right around the corner from my house. I would get one of those funny 7-11 shirts for free, my friends could come in and I would let them have free slurpees, plus it was like less than a minute away from my house. After a month or so  I could just come up with some insane reason for quitting there, Like I didn't believe in selling slurpees to children because that filth pollutes their minds. The whole experience would have made  a good story to tell on a rainy day.   Have you seen the fuckin' people that work at 7-11? I was turned down for a job..I dressed up in a suit for the interview my resume was perfect, I answered all of their questions more brilliantly than any of their current, inbred, crack addict employees ever could have. Yet I still got a rejection letter in the mail..it's hanging right here on my wall.  I keep telling myself that it must have been because I was overqualified. God I hope it was because I am overqualified.  
  I don't have a job.  I make fun of the people I know who do. Haha. Losers.  I make my money by selling cds loaded down with porno videos to horny guys.  Really blurs the line between business and pleasure.  
  my father has only one joke: "you know how elvis was called elvis the pelvis? well, he had a brother called ennis.  
  boobs.  they aren't all that great guys!  Well, atleast not when they are THIS big.  I can't jog anymore, Victoria's Secret makes only ONE bra in this size, and I never know if a guy knows what I look like from the neck up.  THEN i'm forced to buy bra's with padding in them because these NO TITS chicks have such LOW self esteem, that all bras now have padding.  So, when I wear one of these bras, it looks like my cleavage is going to attack random pedestrians.  Think about that before you ogle another big breasted woman.  If you DON'T think about this, it could be ME you are ogleing and you could lose a testical..  have a GREAT day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I understand the rationale behind open container laws, but sometimes they just force me to chug a beer so I can get on the road.  
  standing at the reception and just kinda scanning the room for people i might know at this weedding the look on this guys face was of sheer terror lined with green gills hes gonna hurl i point to the direction of the bathroom from across the room to him and he hauls ass toward that direction those unmistakable sounds of thunderouschunder shrill screams beautiful dresses bespeckled with lunch run from the foyer oh i meant to the left damned dyslexia         
  When I was in the 4th grade, I and the rest of the class was handed small cardboard boxes that said Unisef on them. They had little pictures of starving African children. We were to go door to door asking for change to send to Africa.   After a about week or so, we all handed in our boxes full of change. My teacher, Mr. Smith, took me aside and asked if I would count up all the loose coinage and fill out a form with how much there was.   So off I strode to the library, lugging a big box full of little boxes which were full of change.    Can you all see where this is going? To make a long story short, I spent the rest of that afternoon after school at the arcade plunking in quarter after quarter from my overstuffed pockets.   Why would you trust a nine year old with mass quantities of change when there's an arcade down the street from the grammar school?  When I go to hell, I'm going to tell them about Mr. Smith. He should burn with me.   Trusting Bastard.   
  I once fell asleep with my brother. I awoke to find him massaging my legs. I discovered something wonderful that night, you can find true love anywhere, even at home.        
  Tried going to sleep without jerking off beforehand (pun intended). That was 2 hours ago and obviously it has not worked.   Well then, here i am on the internet.  Time for some porn.   People who master the skill of sleeping loaded, speak up, for you might save some minutes of my precious naptime.  
      How come guys don't realize that Altoids and oral sex are just as yummy from the female perspective as well?  Duh, boys. What feels good for you usually feels good for us too.    
  My best supervisor ever didn't exactly take to suits. I'd better not give out his full name, because he's probably a senior VP by now, and the following might compromise his well-deserved career somewhat, so I'll just call him Larry. He'd rather have just dweebed away furiously through life, but he had  real  supervising skills, so he didn't stand a chance. Back in the early, heady days of our company, they threw a Christmas party. The company headquarters was in an old leather factory that took up an entire city block in Boston Chinatown.  At one point, Larry and his buddy senior developers went up to the roof for some air. One of the company founders, a gazillionaire, went looking for Larry and found him up there. He just wanted to thank him for the hard work he'd put in, and shake his hand. Larry just stood there quietly, taking in the praise. His face didn't register the screaming pain caused by snuffing the roach in his pocket between thumb and forefinger. Thankfully, the speech only lasted about a minute and a half, because Larry also didn't exhale. When the founder went back downstairs, Larry got a standing O from his buddies...  
  some kid in japan just bought my friend's old snowboard off of ebay for 200$. he's more than happy to pay the 215$ shipping charge. anytime the cost of delivery exceeds the purchase price of the product, it's time to do some more shopping around.  
  There were times while I was in Hawaii when I could have sat down in the middle of a sidewalk and started masturbating.  But hey, that's crazy, someone would see me.  So I would go into public bathrooms.  If you're ever in Waikiki and you see a stain on the bathroom wall shaped like Louisiana, well then, you oughta know it's origins are my nuts.  
  Today in Minneapolis, there was a huge pothole in the road that was pissing everyone off. I don't think it was terrorist related.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For years, I was annoyed by some of my elderly aunts who used to approach me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next!" It annoyed me to no end. I solved the problem when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.  
  Nothing like tripping your balls of while watching a cat lick up a pile of puke at a   motel 6 parking lot  at 3:00am  to put things into perspective for you.    
  When i was in high school the air went out in my geoemetry class and we had to find somewhere else to have class for the day while they worked on it.  At the school i went to there was a massive warehouse size area that served as a lunchroom, general space for lockers and such and basically all of the hallways at the school fed into this one area.  Well thats where we ended up having class for the day. Towards the end of class a few minutes before the normal break, the school would dismiss the handicapped kids as it took them longer to get where they needed to be, and it was probably best for them not to get caught up in the 3000 student rush that happened between each class.  So as im sitting there i see about eight kids in wheelchairs coming down the hall and a girl sitting near me exclaims:  Look!  they're racing!!  
  So a chick on my volleyball team is obsessed with an assistant coach and this is a direct quote (given while she is acting out the quote)  "Who would have thought that at the same moment in time, my ass cheek and his hand would occupy the same space in the universe... it must be fate"  it's a damn good thing that my ass doesn't determine my fate...  
  So my friends and I decide to hit up Broadway on a Sat. night. We've already had enough pizza and beer to level an army. I drive. We park.  So the 5 of us are walking up Broadway, on our way to Lil' Darlings. Jake, being very drunk keeps yelling titties, Im going to see titties, you goin to see titties, Im going to see titties.   We come to an intersection where we see this white Pontiac Grand Prix. The window banner said "SupaCharged BIATCH".  We all stopped and died laughing on the street in front of Centerfolds. "SupaCharged BIATCH" comes up in conversations once a month, at least.  
  paper-thin it floated gracefully to the bottom of the bowl... I can only describe it as a "shit ribbon"   
  My girlfriend named her boyfriend's dick but only when it's flaccid. He's called The Little Fat Kid.  
  One day I made the mistake of admitting that I eat meat on a P.C. mailing list, and some vegan created the subject line of a thread to reflect disgust with me, complete with my name spelled wrong and a "blecch" emoticon.  That subject line persisted for almost two months!  Longest-lived thread I'd ever seen!  Well, after repeated polite requests to change the subject line, I finally got fed up (on sirloin and beer, I believe...) and posted the following:  ====  Okay, fine.  I eat filth.  I eat everything in sight and I look like Jabba the Hut.  I also pick my nose in the car next to you at the stop light.  I fart in elevators.  I was the one who used the last of the TP and didn't replace the roll.  The IRS was my idea, and so was Y2K.  The gum you just stepped in was mine, and if you picked it off with your fingers, I have the flu.  I drained your car battery and let the air out of your tire late at night in the rain.  I'm ahead of you in the cash-only express line at the grocery store and it's my pleasure to get price checks on every one of the 45 items I've carefully selected which have neither price tags nor scannable bar codes, argue with the manager about how many coupons I can use for a pack of Certs, then pay with a credit card which is no good.  I remove every "Do Not Remove This Tag" tag I see, and litter them about on the floor.  I run with scissors and don't play well with others, nor do I use my time wisely.  I pull the wings off butterflies to stop the "Butterfly Effect" and speed global warming. I teach science to American students.  I put the eyelash in your eye and made you bite your tongue; your funny bone is very funny to me. I overdrew your checking account and charged your credit card payments to the card with 21% interest and no grace period. I am the source of all junk mail, and when the occasional letter carrier discovers the truth, I make him go, well, postal.  I design child safety seats, war toys, anorexic fashion dolls, and I'm just finishing up a book "Extreme Parenting:  Pushing Your Child 23 Hours a Day for Success!" I park sideways across both handicapped spaces.  I told Saddam that nukes are just like really big fireflies and are a really good solution to the recycling problem just after I assured Mr. Gates that everyone would love to pay a yearly fee for the privilege of using a buggy pseudo operating system.  I took Barney's 13-strand DNA and made the Teletubbies.  Pleased to meet you, I'm the Beast and proud of it.  Two of those sentences are true.  Change the damn subject line.  ====     That served to transmute the thread into a discussion of conspiracy theories, of all things!     
  Someone's been puting fertilizer outside on the plants.  Now suddenly all those clothes that smelled dirty don't smell so bad.  
  I went to see They Might Be Giants at a free concert last summer with the guy I was then dating. I'd eaten something terrible for lunch and had pretty bad gas. As soon as the music started, I praised whatever higher power I knew must have been looking out for me, bcause with all the noise, I could let them rip with impunity.  I ripped a big ole nasty fart, and shit myself. It smelled terrible. My man was standing behind me and a look of horror crossed his face as I knew the stench was hitting his nose.  I gestured towards the large woman in Spandex that was pushing past us to get closer to the stage at that exact very convenient moment.  He still talks about the fat bitch that stank like shit at the tmbg show.  Heh.  
  2/24/03  Half asleep as I walked to work this morning, I noticed a bunch of white blobs on the sidewalk ahead of me.  Closer inspection revealed these to be marshmallows, lined up in a neat row on the ground.  Beneath these someone had chalked in "Snowman Terdes."  I laughed hysterically, and I'm still laughing as I write this.  My question for you, dear Lowbrow readers, is this:  is it more lowbrow that I thought something that stupid was really funny, or that they spelled "turds" wrong?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there is pink lemonaid in the soda fountain at mcdonalds it is (and i quote) 0% juice oh god,what is it made of?!    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yesterday I saw an old guy at the supermarket buy two packages of pimento loaf and some vitamin E, while leaving the supermarket I watched him eat one of the pimento loafs like it was a sandwich.  I wonder if he put salt on it.   
   Bringing Home The Bacon  You'd think that after accidently leaving the country without my green card, and having to spend two extra days supplicating myself at the heavily-guarded US embassy in London before they let me get on a plane, I wouldn't want to jeopardize things further. You'd think. Customs guy glances suspiciously at my many bags and pores over my massive pile of patched-together documents:  "How are you today?" Me: "Actually, I think I should be refused entry on grounds of stupidity." Guy: "Hell -- if we took  that  into account, there'd be nobody living here! Have a nice day." I hoist my bags and stagger off with my 15 pounds of smuggled Danish bacon...  
  I went to the beach w/ a couple friends.... it just happened to be that time of the month. But the beach had no bathrooms around cause it was like back in the woods  so my friend and I decided to take a walk. I ended up discarding it(the used tampon) in between 2 dunes covered in bushes.  Luckily no one decided to walk by...   
   MotorMouth 3  She just completely relaxes in my company, loving the music. She puts her hands behind her head and leans back, smiling at me like the sun is rising. I've sworn off complimenting her, because it makes her a little nervous, but I have this mouth problem. Me: "My God! I'm sorry, but you're gorgeous!" I've managed to hold off on pronouncements like that for a few days, and she just absolutely loves it. But I have this motormouth problem: Me: "That thing must be a SuperBra, right?" Oops...  
  Just saw a moment about a mole on some chick's breast, and it reminded me of... well...  this:  I've got more than a few moles.  There are about 4 big ones on my chest.  Most are now (thankfully) covered in hair, but there's still a big, dark one right near my right nipple.  About an inch above and a half-inch towards the center of my chest.  I've had more than one girl ask me if it was a third nipple.  Next time I hear that question, I'm going to say "suck on it and see if it gets harder."  
  Sitting in 8th grade algebra class: I hear muttered exclaimations of disgust... The guy in the desk next to me is whacking off at full gusto, staring straight ahead at the board. ( I have no idea what inspired him so) As every one around him reacts to his behavior, the teacher, a short, dumpy woman in her 50's, says to the class: "Oh, come on, people. It's perfectly natural.Every one does it. As a matter of fact even I do it!"  She thought he had farted.  10 years after the fact, I still smile whenever I think of the look of sheer horor that crossed her face when a few loyal students informed her of what really happened.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there we were, my mother was looking through my brother's room for drugs. I was standing there watching and she started pulling open dresser drawers. About the third drawer down she finds a bottle of lotion. She says, "What is he doing with my lotion? I have been looking for this! Look, it's almost all gone!" She digs around in the clothes in the drawer and finds a bunch of porn mags. We are both disgusted and she gives up the drug search. We still tease him about it.   
  Okay, I just saw a moment that said your porn name is comprised of your dog's name and your street name.   As I have heard it, it's your middle name followed by your street name.   I used to be Martin Garvey, which I thought was pretty good, then I moved.  I am now Martin Park, and I'm not sure what to think about that.  My girlfriend would be  Lynn East Covered Bridge,  but I somehow don't think that works.  
  We were playing Ultimate, and we're about ten yards from the goal line. A big guy gets in front of me, the founder of the Ultimate club. I make a jokeattempt at misdirecting him, and so he just punches me. "Ow!" I say. He says "What, that hurt?"  I tell him that the part that hurt was his punch making me bite my tongue. I explain that I'm weak and pain affects me. He says, "Hey, I'm sorry. Team hug." So we hug, but behind him I see one man from my team open, and the Frisbee is in my other hand so I throw it. He catches it.  Then the founder pulls back from the hug, and says, "Why the fuck you trying to hump me, man!" Then he punched me again, only three times as hard.  Plus the kid I passed too dropped it and we didn't get the point.   
  I first met my friends new girlfriend at a party she was having at her house.  She got really drunk and the morning after she woke up and was sick in her bin.  Thats when I knew she was the right girl for him.  
  Apparently the phrase "bust a nut" means different things in different places.  That, or I was never quite with it, but anyway...  In high school in Arizona, "bust a nut" meant "to flip out from trying too hard to do something (not necessarily sexual)."  So when I moved to LA for college, I said one day at work:  "She needs to calm down or she's going to bust a nut." . . . . . Apparently, bust a nut means bust a nut in California.  
  Every single toilet I crap in (work, work, home, friends houses) plugs up.  I either have a huge asshole or plumbing in Cali sucks.  Now I just leave it pluged up for the next asshole.  
  I live in a small port city, fishing's a big industry here.   I LOVE fishermen.  I mean, really. They go away, out to sea, for long stretches of time, couldn't call me or check up on me if they wanted to. And they invariably return, with sh*tloads of cash to spend and looking for someone to spend it on.  You just got get over the faint yet ever-present odor of haddock guts:)  
  ...no fucking shit, in japan you can buy a pair of used school-girl panties from a vending machine like you would buy a can of coke! Is that twisted or what?!?!     
  secretary calls my cell phone. "don't you think you should have told me you were leaving?" "i did... i yelled on the way out and you said 'ok.'" "i wasn't talking to you, i was on the phone." "um, how do you know what you were doing when i left if you didn't know i left?" "shutup." ???  
  gad there really are some insecure and emotionally feeble people in this world who just never grow up and realize the fucking sun does not revolve around their lame assed lack of selves the twisted rule of karma is that they will wind up under a bus or naked and dead in the back of a senators limo with nipple tassles on  so i guess it all works out days like today i get tired of the wait      
  Driving home late at night on a narrow, twisty road.  Car behind me has its high beams on, and is desperate to pass, keeps honking.  Finally, blinded and pissed, I slew across the road so they can't get by, grab a hammer, and start walking purposefully towards their headlights.  They pull a rapid 180, and are gone.  Back in the car, smiling, my wife is white and shaking:  "What if they'd had a gun?"  Oops, I forgot I was in America.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm at work on my lunch, and the people in the break room are watching that Crossing Over show. You know the one. A "psychic" is getting signals from the dead, and passing them on to audiance members. It's vague, and nicely staged to fool, well, stupid people. This made me get up to go to a computer for lowbrow: "I'm getting a sense that someone has a bag of meat, or salami... a ziplock baggie type thing... You, ma'am?" He points out a woman who is no less than 300 pounds. She has a bag of cheese. Way to go buddie, you pointed out the fat chick has food. So am I psychic if I say "I'm detecting homosexuality in San Francisco"?  
  I used to read Lowbrow while mastubating to porn.  Over the past few months I've realized that I have begun to cut out the middle man and simply masturbate to Lowbrow.  And you know what?  I don't really mind that much.  
  Today I got a fortune cookie that read "Friends long absent are coming back to you"....that's what I'm afraid of...  
  Why do girls even try to give handjobs?  Look at their competition... me.  I've been jerking off for like 8 years and they have the nerve to go and think they can do it better than me?  Just worthless I tells ya.  
  I'm on the Elliptical Trainer at the gym, staring blankly at the swarms of people below. (My gym is located on the second floor of a building in Midtown with floor-to-ceiling windows.) A group of tourists walkin down Bdway begin waving. OK, now I know what the monkeys in the zoo feel like. I wave back. Then they start taking pictures. Ummm... I think that's my cue to leave.  
  a bunch of us groomsmen were sitting around the morning of the wedding, drinking bloodies and whatnot. don't really know any of these guys... not too many of them know each other... but we all know the groom (obviously). one guy pipes up, "anyone wanna go outside for a smoke?" two guys and i go out, one's local and the other is from louisiana or something... i light up a smoke, so does the southern dude. the other guy pulls out a joint and lights it, passes it to the southerner, who quickly says, in a thick accent, "you do know i'm a cop, right?" "ummm... no, i didn't... are you serious?" "you're damn right i am..." (he was) "hm... i guess i'll go finish this over there, then." me: "hm. i'll be going with him." so we stood about five feet away and got really ripped before the wedding, the whole time this dixie cop is just glaring at us and shaking his head.  
  Regarding what Limbo said about male cheerleaders and how they get to place his hand at a strategic location with all female members of the cheerleading team.....  I had a good friend in college on the cheerleading squad and we were all jealous of him until he told us about the first time he hoisted one of the girls and when she seated herself on his hand, instead of a cheap feel-up, he got a wet "squish" instead.  Never envied him again.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Attention.   Everything needs it. Plants, pets, girlfriends, boyfriends, even the deceased need it. Of course, they need it only because we say they do.   We really don't need the attention people give us on an everyday basis. We would be far better off without it. I mean, really sit down and think about it. If no one pays attention who is gonna tell you that you just fucked up or that you just tripped, who is going to tell you that you didn't pay your taxes or that you just wasted a day. People complicate our lives. i'm not saying to be anti-social and to hate the world. All i'm saying is that everybody needs to be left alone sometimes so just make sure that you aren't the asshole to walk in on someone who doesn't need the attention that you feel they need.  
  Every day is a constant struggle between my dick's ability to maintain an erection and my brain's ability to stop it.   My dick wins nine out of ten days.  
  I was idly browsing Lowbrow as is usual for me at 12 am and I felt something stuck to the bottom of my chair.  In need of a new form of entertainment, I pulled it off.  It turns out it was a piece of paper with a list of rules for using the chair.  The first one, in all capitols,  DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG .  I stuck the tag to the Ed and beat him when he removed it.   
  When I met John Waters, I asked him if he really thought the Beatles were "those honkies who ruined Rock and Roll."  He said "Yes."        
  There are only so many ways to tell someone you want to give them a blowjob. Once while talking dirty to my boyfriend, I was racking my brain , trying to come up with a suitable phrase and I said " I wanna eat your meat like a starving child. "We both just started laughing and needless to say , it kind of ruined the mood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While at Crossroads Mall in Salt Lake City, Utah I see a young boy waiting outside of a store while his mother shops inside.   He's standing next to a 20-Something man dressed all in black leather, tatoos, peircings...the works. When Suddenly, the mother comes out of the store, grabs her son and runs off in a huff, giving the 20-soemthing lad a look of sheer terror.  The best part? The leather clad lad wore a t-shirt that said; "I EAT UNATTENDED CHILDREN."  
  Hahaha this Lowbrow moment and all the time it takes to load and all the time it takes to read and all the time it takes to click the button is at least twenty seconds of your life that you will never get back and you will die thinking about these wasted seconds hahaha.  
  so there's really only 3 of us in this story......my best friend from freshman year of college was about to be kicked out of the dorms for smoking pot in his room, but before he leaves he decides he's going to do something nasty to his roommate.  he comes up to my room the night before he has to be out, puts a 40 in my hands and we then go out and make asses of ourselves around town....when we get back i figure i should ask where he got the 40.  he says he stole it from his roommate's closet and i figured that stealing it was what we were doing to get back at his roommate....nope....getting him to drink 40oz. of apple juice and colt 45 mixed with a healthy dose of piss....that's what we did to get back at him  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         at work...me and one hot blonde.  guys at work..get her chairs, flirt with her, talk to her all day long  brain damaged guy...talks to me.  I am not ugly! Just have black hair! where the fuck is my goddamned chair.  She turned around and her nipples poked through her pink sweater...and then I understood  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Is it a Menage A Trois if your dog licks your butthole while you're having sex with your girlfriend? ... umm ... not that it' sever happened to me...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on the bus, listening to other peoples conversation, when I heard two sixteen year old girls discussing sex.   The bolder of the two proclaimed that every womans fantasy was to have sex in the shower.         
  Do you think judges sit at home and practive their poker face for when they read the verdict before it is announced?  I've always wondered. Some must be better than others, right? What if you got a real bad one? Could you get a mistrial if the judge cracked up?  
   Learning To Cook  Finally away from my fambly, but all I can do is fry an egg. I buy "The Bed-Sitter's Cookbook," thinking that will help me. I does somewhat, but only by recipes like "Toucan Mash," where you take a can of beef stew and a can of some vegetable thing, and mash them together. I mostly eat out. But I like my coffee in the morning. But I also like to sleep late, and some friends have recently introduced me to an amazing smoking herb called... Anyway. I decide that all the time needed to spoon the (instant - this is Britain) coffee, then spoon the sugar, then spoon the powdered whitener in, is much too long. I could sleep later! I make up a big batch of instant coffee/whitener/sugar mix, sleep much longer, and simply spoon two tablespoons into my cup....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I am just biding my time until I can get my vision repaired so I can enlist in the Army. One might wonder why I have kept these plans secret from almost all of my friends, but quite frankly, I'll probably be through basic and jump school before they really notice I'm gone.   They'll be up at college just realizing, through a drug haze no doubt, that one hundred and fifty pounds and five and a half feet of hard-drinking-and-heavy object-lifting sinew, muscle, and bone are missing from their lives. By that time I'll probably be plummeting towards some country they've never heard of with a carbine strapped to my chest, hoping I don't get any of my sexual organs shot off.   But hey man, I figure I'll be out while I'm still plenty young, if for no other reason than that I'd refuse to carry the ridiculous Buck Rogers rifle they plan to start issuing around 2006. OICW my ass.        
  You know, i just realised something. If you take the phrase "pop corn" and switch the first letter of each word, you get "cop porn".   The true lowbrowity of this is that it's probably not the first time a lowbrower has discovered this odd phenomenon.   I love you, lowbrow.  
  On my way home I had to take a piss like I've never had to take a piss before. I pull my car over and get out.  Ah, that's good.  Just then I realize that I've forgotten to put my car in park. It starts rolling down the hill, across a lawn, between two trees, and finally comes to rest on some old lady's porch.  Once the cops had taken all the information, I asked to use her bathroom. I hadn't finished pissing.  
  I went to an uptight yuppie Catholic high school. Nonetheless, some preppie lacrosse girl managed to lose her virginity behind the stage in the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. We all found out about it, and whenever she showed her face in the hallway, she was greeted with a chorus of "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!" ~puck~  
  I want to die giving and receiving oral sex on my 69th wedding anniversary.  OK, so I know that's not going to happen. That would put me in my 90's somewhere, and i'll have worn out the husband years ago.  But it would be cool. I'd cut a deal w/ God so my spirit could hang around a while, and watch when they discovered our wrinkly, tangled bodies. The coroner standing there, not sure if she should be sick or laugh her ass off.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I swear that by the time you read this, i'll have made my Godzilla toy into a bong.  I'll call it 'Bongzilla'.  
  I was the only guy cheerleader in my high school.  The appropriate name is "yelleader", cause that just toughens it right up.  Anyway, I did it college after high school, went a couple national competitions, slept with a lot of athletic, hot, amazing women. I did'nt realize how much it warped me until I rode my bike past the local high school football field and recieved a close up view of fifeteen or so 18 year old cheerleaders practicing in tight outfits, and the first thought that popped in my head was:  "That formation is off."  I think I'm going to ride my back into oncoming traffic.    
  i decide to call the girl im sort of seeing at the moment. She still lives with her mom, who happens to answer the phone. Her mom recognizes my voice and says she would like to ask me a few questions.  no problem, says i  famous last words so, what do you think about my underage daughter going out to bars with older guys? doing ecstacy? smoking pot? drinking? uhhh...  apparently she got a hold of her daughter's diary and read about when we went out to a bar till 2am, she did some E, smoked more pot than i could hold in 2 hands, and had sex on the floor of some stranger's apartment i don't think i'll be going over to her house any time soon  
  So there we sit, her and I, long after the party's over and my roommates asleep.  We're both pretty hammered, but still trying to communicate.  "I've never had an orgasm." she tells me as I hold one of her hands in both of mine and look for hope that she'll let me try to help her with that.  We're still friends.  
  A drunk "madame" at Starfucks asked me if I wanted to "make some quick bread".  Apparently, there's a high market for chubby Jewish girls.    
  I used to get road rage a lot when people cut me off or when I was stuck in traffic.  I would carry on and flip out daily.    One day I realized.. "what a miserable way to be".  I still carry on and flip out but I do so gleefully knowing that I'm pissing other people off.  Life on the road aint that bad.  
  car won't start.  I pop the hood and end up cleaning the acid crap off the battery terminals with my keys.  20 minutes later I'm home and pulling groceries out of the car. As usual when my arms are full, i put a key in my mouth to hold them.  Half way to the house i start to wonder, "Why the Hell is my tongue burning?"  
  I'm so focused on what I'm doing on my computer that I only realize that my wife has come home when I hear her coming up the stairs to my office. I quickly minimize a couple of windows, and talk with her for a few minutes. As she's going back downstairs she calls back: "Oh, by the way -- your fly is unzipped." "Oh! So it is. Thanks, hon." I hadn't had much time, so I thought it more important to get her bottle of hand lotion out of sight...  
  im an exsessive pyromanic an theres one thing i dont get, if realities so great why isnt there a fire exit?  
        poot  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walked into a chinese restaurant the other day and ordered chicken stirfry. I called the waiter over and told him that the chiclen was rubbery. All he said was "Thank you velly much"    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was in McDonald's the other day and found that the amount of time that it takes the cashier to ring in your order is kept track of.  From now on if I go to McDonald's with a friend I get the cashiers to race each other.  Which one will be able to take our orders the fastest?  Who knows.  But it sure as hell embarasses the loser.  I mean to work at McDonald's and not even be the fastest order taker.  
  When I was 14, I used to "pose" as a chick in IRC. I had a full personality established and I traded pics with people.  I loved having cybersex with other "lesbian chicks" (aka "poser"), and I quite got into describing female fantasies. (After which I jack myself off hard.)  I'm sure it was just phase...  
  If you want to feel better, take a dump in a public restroom.  When done, kick open the stall, and stomp out as if you're having a lover's spat.  Turn around, and scream as angrily as you can: "You're full of shit!"  
  it was disbelief most that prompted his calloused comment about not being capable physically of producing offspring when i hadda say something listen just because he knows he doesnt want to have kids doesnt make him evil hes a hell of a lot smarter than you who had kids cos he thought he had to but never put any time in to raise his kid to be a moral ethical person rather just some fat needy little prick who stomps on others because he can get away with it hes at least saying he doesnt want to and that cool with me you fucking think you are gods gift to kids and your kid is the biggest snotnosed bully around nice job daddy and then stopped way  way  way too late        
  I don't know which is more lowbrow:  My friend discovering that she can hold a beer bottle between her boobs.  Or.  Me coming up with the idea to lay on the floor and have her straddle me while doing this and pouring beer in my mouth.  And having my other friend take pictures.  
  I walked into the bathroom ,and a thought stuck me.  Why is it that public washrooms used by a select group of people (Such as in a public school or at a college residence) always have that one stall dedicated to crapping?  I mean, you can tell all anyone ever does is crap, because all the handwriting on the walls of the stall is at the right angle.  Does this mean that mankind is finally working towards one common goal? To have a clean crapping stall? Does this mean there's hope for the future?  I shrug, and take a crap, writing something about sphincters on the wall.  
  Is it lowbrow to celebrate your sister getting out of jail by doing coke all night with her and your parents? I believe it is...  
  My deepest apologies to the Speedway Gas Station in North Fort Myers, Florida right next to I-75.  The toilet in the men's room was out of order and the women's room was locked, so I was forced to take a shit in the wastebasket. I really had to go.In fact, I had approximately 26 gallons of diarrhea that had to come out. Any further waiting would have resulted in just another 'I shit my pants' Lowbrow story. I tried not to get too much on the actual wastebasket and I tied up the bag when I was done.  My apologies to the Publix on US41 and Bonita Beach Road for doing the exact same thing...  
  I have, at times, considered myself an amatuer pornography connoisseur.          
  one night i was on a chat forum and my computer made a sound that sounded quite like a quief. i turned to my brother and said "the computer quiefed." we both laughed.  
  Shirley Temple (Black) came to speak at our high school in No. Cal. in 1968, when she was running for public office.  Me and the boys patched in a tape recorder to the PA system behind the stage curtain with a reel of tape that contained several loud, gross belches on it, towards the middle of the reel.  I turned the volume on the recorder and the channel it was plugged into up to "11", and took my place in the audience next to my crew.  Sure enough, when Shirley stopped to take a sip of water about 20 minutes later, the series of belches roared forth from the auditorium speakers.  The last belch was "spoken", and it said "Vote For Me Or I'll Hold My Breath".  She HATED it, and consequently lost the election to the incumbent.  I like to think that we had something to do with it.  This is only one of many ratf**ks that we perpetuated in the 60's, 70's and 80's.  One of the pranksters and myself are writing a book about this stuff and this looks like a great forum to try some of the material out.  Let's hear from ya!  More later.  
  Spent 5 years planning a trip to VEGAS on my 21st birthday. I just had my 21st birthday at home in bed - 8 months pregnant!  
  My husband, standing at the sink.  "Ok, guess what this" he said.  He turned slowly with his eyes wide open.  "I don't know", I said.  "No, you have to guess" he said.  And he turned around slowly with his eyes wide open.  "I don't know.  I give up", I said.  He rolled his eyes.  "It's the chick from American Beauty when she's in the bathroom and she hears the shot".  I looked at him. He shook his head.  "I can't believe you didn't get that", he said.  
  you can't have sex on a ddr pad and get a good score.  it just doesn't work like that.  have you ever played the game?  think of the kinds of maneuvers you have to go through to get messages like "you're hot tonight" and "great job" etc.  it's just not physically possible to do that in the midst of intercourse.  i'm sorry, either you're lying or the people behind you in line were.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In college, we had a day to commemorate the outstanding success of Rodney King... you know, the guy who had drank 6 forty ouncers of malt liquor and was on the way to the store to buy MORE when he was pulled over by the LAPD (the rest of course, is history).  Drinking 6 40's is by no means an easy feat, so we deemed a date in the summer, "National 40 Day", where we would wake up at 11:00 and immediately start drinking 40's... looking as ghetto as possible and listening to gangster rap.    It was an absolutely fabulous time and most ended up quiting at around 4 or 5, but I kept going, and going and going.  By the end of the night I passed out after drinking 10 forties of cool malt liquor... for a brief period of time, putting me in the same ethereal plane of existance as Rodney King.  The next morning was entertaining as I had to go to work at 6:30am With my car not working, my father had been driving up to take me to work.  He arrived, waited, and of course I did not come out.  He got out of the car, careful not to step on the piles of stacked 40 bottles in the lawn, opened the front door as much as he could to get through (pushing aside numerous bottles), stepped around the 6 people passed out on the floor and headed up to my room.  I, of course, was passed out right next to some chick in my bed and after being shaken a few times, was able to get up and go to work... reeking to high heaven and barely coherent.    Naturally, I was fired that day.  Clearly, a defining moment.    
  theres something about sitting in your friends shed playing your friend at teken while recieving a handjob from a girl who you don't know very well at all, totally trashed then looking under the blanket which separates the sexual act from the playstation act, and actually thinking "i just want to see how its going" that makes you think: my life is pretty good and i need another drink.  
  when i was in high school this guy steven took a shit in a classroom in the vocational center. the teacher wouldnt let him go so he just dropped trou right there. to this day i think back on hearing about then event for the first time and think how the fuck do you get away with that?  
  If you're reading this... you are the redneck of the internet.  
  i'm a bookseller at a huge, chain-run, corporate bookstore. my favorite question to be asked is, Where is non-fiction section? dumb fucks. the whole store is non-fiction except for the fucking FICTION section.  
  Sitting waiting for the airplane is always the worst part of travel. Not to mention the people in the lobby. The woman next to me smells of cheap perfume, and a little bit of beer. I put down my magazine to hold my seat while I get up to get a soda, and she asks me, "hey, I'm gonna read your magazine if you're done with it."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I broke my hand once, in a wild swing that missed my husband and caught the closet door edge. The pain shocked me out of my irrational screaming rage that I seemed to fall into for no reason way too often lately, to my everlasting guiltfeelings and his fearful apprehension. We told the people at the ER I'd fallen and hit the edge of a door, and we've told each other that so often that now we almost believe it.  I think what really impressed him with how far I'd gone over the edge was that I still went scrambling for the gun under the bed with my swollen, bruised, hugely twisted broken hand, to finish the fight.  And we missed the season premiere of "That 70s Show" that night, damn it.Stupid ER waitlist.  
  Nothing, nothing can shake the undeniable cool firm fact that all love-emotion is just a evolutionary trick to get humans to procreate.  Why? Because our ancestors procreated, passing the procreation genes on to us, better procreators.  One planet, fill er up.   That means my love doesn't mean anything, and I know I could never convince her, them... but once I do it, it won't matter anymore.  God, love, time, dark, light... all those words the ignorant throw into their pale attempts at true poetry mean nothing, if you can pull the trick...  I devoted my life to happiness and expansion of the mind and spirit, like when I read Keats.   Fun, but if I run my car off a bridge or send twin shotgun blasts through my head none of it will matter anymore.  I see no reason to fight when you can give in, to make the journey when you can visualize the destinations.  Once, a very nice girl said to me "You don't believe in God?  What do you live for?" In my mind, I did the comical forehead smack.  Honestly... manufacturing a reason to live, and life is rough? No reason to fear death.  I've seen the movie (my life) through the previews, its okay but maybe not worth the time.    Just set to work on those inhibitions... should I succeed, maybe I can write a nice book to help others along their fatal way.    It's too bad I can't discuss things with my friends without them contributing their own feeble poorly thought out attempts...  If I could solidly convince everyone (even myself)  that Life is casual chance... the universe could return to a great stillness, as it should.   
  It's amazing what some people will do when there's money involved. Take, for example, my brother:  We were at work (my brother and I) when our manager/soon-to-be-stepbrother swatted a fly that had been buzzing around his office all day. He then picked up the freshly squashed insect and asked my bro if he would eat it for $1 million.   His response?  "One million?... Hell, I'd do it for ten!"   Needless to say, he got his ten bucks...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Me and my roommate were on top of the baseball cage enjoying a case of Koenig Ludwig.  It's the beer with opiates in it, it gets you more drunk then other beers.  He bought some jade-cigs and was enjoying those too.  Both of us being engineers in college, we have nothing better to do but try to figure out ways of sticking murder, death, and distruction onto the local community.  We arn't paying this much money for college and beer for the joy of the almost homoerotic experiance of looking the other way while one of us pees off the top of this baseball cage.  He says that he has some brake fluid in a 2 litre bottle of coke and wants to use some chlorine cakes with it.  Not quite understanding what he was getting at, I just let him fall off the batting cage and run back to the porsche.  10 minutes go by, I'm on the last of my three beers out of the pack, when I hear, "It doesn't work!" from somewhere out in the field.  I can't see him in the darkness.    He had just about gotten back to the cage, staggering from his vodka shots before we came out here, when the loudest bang I had ever heard set off the car alarms in the parking lot.  We got the hell out of there before the angry-green cloud closed over the cage.  Driving drunk home, we bobbed and weaved in traffic.  The local cops didn't care.  He missed gears left and right and was enjoying every minute of destroying a $2000 gearbox, rich asshole.  I was convinced we were going to die from the gas, but now I was more convinced we were going to die from his driving.  He made it home though.  He opened the door, slipped on some ice, and fell down.  I thought he was done, but yet again he rose up and laughed it off.    Having cheated death so many times, I wasn't the least bit suprised when he tripped going up the stairs to the apartment and chipped his front tooth.  Somehow, it was anticlimactic compared to the dangers of that night.  But then it was my turn to drive the porsche to the hospital...  
  I decided that I would stop doing those runs where you drive on the wrong side of the road with your lights off when someone drove by me speeding doing the same thing.  I think I should just read a book, safer that way.  
  I woke up this morning and I noticed something weird....I couldn't feel anything in my left hand. It was kinda cool though. It was all puffy and was all these different weird colors. I tried beating it against my dresser, but I still couldn't feel anything.   So I kinda forgot about it and went in the bathroom to wipe the foam off that had built up around my mouth....that had never happened to me before, but I didn't think much of it.   Anyway, my parents are -always- overreacting! When they saw my hand they just freaked out...they threw me in the car and rushed me to the hospital. I told them I didn't need to go because I felt just fine, but they just didn't listen to me...they never do.   When I got there they gave me these really cool little pills that made me so happy. When I woke up, I asked if I could have some more, but they said I couldn't because the operation was over already. I wondered what operation they were talking about and then I noticed my hand. My left hand was gone! Oh well, I thought....I never use that one anyway.    "Good thing I'm right handed" I said with a chuckle. I'm pretty funny sometimes. My parents didn't think it was as funny. They have no sense of humor.   So then the doctor came in and started talking. He wasn't saying anything important - doctors never do. They always think they're *so* smart just because they went to college for 7 years. What a bunch of nerds. Anyway, he kept asking me something about a dog biting me. I laughed and told him that would never happen - I love dogs...they would never bite me! I told the doctor that he didn't know what he was talking about and maybe he should just go back to school, since he seems to like it sooo much. No-one else thought that was funny either.   I told them to put my hand back on now and that I didn't like it when they played tricks on me, but they wouldn't do it. Sometimes doctors can be really mean too. I guess got mad and I guess I probably started yelling too, and that's when they gave me more of those pills. The pills make me happy.    When I woke up I apologized to the doctors for making a scene, but I didn't really mean it. Doctors suck.   It's kind of hard to type now with only one hand, but that's ok. I'll get my hand back. Oh yes I will. And will those doctors ever be sorry for taking my hand away. Because I know where they sleep. I thought it was funny when my friend said that line, but the judge sure didn't. Judges have no sense of humor.  
  you know... it's when you try to give yourself a cool nickname and go around telling all of your friends you want to be called this nickname that you end up with a nickname like "shit-toes," or "lube-licker"  
  At a friend's 12th birthday party, his mother brings out the cake and sets it down on the table. He makes a joke about "Signal" mouthwash: "I got the signal: Stop! Go! Caution!" For whatever reason, that totally busted me up. I laugh and spew freshly chewed birthday cake all over the rest of the birthday cake. My friends and his mom all looked at me as though I were a steaming dogturd on the steps of the Taj Mahal.  
   Limbo Goes Back To The Loony Bin  I literally grew up in a Loony Bin (mental hospital). A real one. Rosslynlee Hospital. The big mental health idea in those days was just to get the loonys out of circulation, where people wouldn't be disturbed by them. So the Government bought up enormous old isolated estates, converted the mansion into wards, and shipped them there, out of the way. They had to be self-contained, so that the loonys wouldn't have to go out in the real world for things like shoe repair and so on. My dad was the hospital shoe repairer. He made a little money on the side by running the hospital pub, but that was just for the staff. The loonys were almost self-sustaining, since there was a farm and market garden attached, and they were forced to work there like old-time Chinese labourers.  Following instructions from my  thrifty  mother, I would raid the market gardens for strawberries, apples, potatoes... whatever she wanted. I lived in fear of one Jimmy Wilson, the gaffer, who wielded a shotgun and an even scarier loud voice. Anyway, I moved away. Years later, my American buddy Chris Cuddihy (Hi Chris! get in touch, you maniac!) decide to revisit my youth. He'd bought an ancient WWII surplus BSA motorcycle with a sidecar, and we roared out of Edinburgh towards Rosslynlee with our long hair flying. When we got to the last turn towards the estate gates, Chris offered to let me drive. He explained the throttle and the gears. He forgot to mention where the brakes were. We roared through the estate gates with Chris yelling: "O.K.! Stop!" I didn't know how, so I used a big rhododendron bush instead. We were O.K., and so was the motorcycle. We climbed out of the bush, right into the muzzle of a shotgun. I'm quaking. Chris is from an upscale NY family, and has probably never had a gun pointed at him before. Jimmy Wilson: "You goddam hippies just get that thing out of there and ... "Jesus Christ! Is that  you , [Limbo], behind all that hair?" Me: "Eh, yes..." Jimmy: "Geez! Nice to see you, lad! Where ye been all these years! You lads O.K.? The strawberries are just coming on, would ye like some?" Ahh, home sweet home...  
  at work, we somehow discovered dolphinsex.org  and we were laughing hysterically, until amy asked we were laughing at,  so my friend sent her the link through email  and she said "did you get it?"  and amy said "no... thats wierd"  and then she realized that she had just sent dolphinsex.org to the president of the company's wife, amy.   so we resent to email to the right amy, and later we heard her say "FOURTEEN INCHES!?!?!? WOW!"  ... and we wondered why we got laid off...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every house on campus had to send a representative to the 'gender issues awareness' forum.  I offered to represent my house.  halfway through the slide presentation up on the huge white screen appears the image of a beautiful woman in front of a lacrosse goal.  the subtext reads, 'the idea is to score'. amid the disgusted groans and mutterings, i can't help but yell out, 'hey, i had that poster in high school.'  i did. my mom bought it for me.  
  "Up the road by the forest, next to the gas station, is my broken down car."  Translated with Altavista Translator:  from English to Korean, then back to English from Korean,  gives us the phrase:  "Car lower part in the gas station where it breaks, me the side of next forest it is with a back high piece."  It's god-damned bebop, isn't it?  More wacky translations to come....   
  Who's coming to the party?  I don't know who's gonna make it, it'll be a mish-mash, a hodge-podge, a potpourri of different folks, who knows. It matters not.   Whoever shows up will be de-loused, fed large quantities of mind-altering chemicals, made to wear women's undergarments, and spanked in turn. Maybe we'll even grill out.   
  So me and my girl set out to have a quickie today, you know pants down only shit...forget the shirts and shoes and all that foreplay nonsense. So, I'm tearing it up, right...and I look down and read her shirt and it says in big yellow letters: "Think BIG!"  I swear!  
  sometimes I think that this site is some elaborate plan by some overseas enemy to occupy some of the greatest minds, while they plan for some grand attack. But then I think of the kind of people that post here and think its more likely the government busying the "lowbrow" people, to prevent them from breeding.  
  huddled in a car, the three of us were   overwellmed with joy.  the 12" bong was   standing tall and was ready to be   expressed. his parents werent home and   him not wanting to risk the smell in   his house, we pulled the car in the   garage and proceeded.  laced with some   hash, the herb had taken hold of our   minds even before we started to scorch.  so much so that one of us forgot to shut  the car off.  we proceeded to get out of  the car and go "HOLY SHIT"     now the real question is,  "Are we   just lucky, or did hot boxing save our   lives.?"        the ways of the herb      
   Reasons Your Current Marriage Should End #9   (not mine - my second wife's first marriage)  Her daughter, then four, goes with her dad to visit his mother.  She's at the stage where she has favourite clothes, and insists on wearing them all the time. Like her current favourite - a striped shirt that her mom can't get off of her long enough to wash it. The daughter comes back from the trip with an enormous present for her mom, from her dad's mom. A jumbo box of laundry detergent, with a cute little note: "My granddaughter looks like a dirty little tyke."  
  Needless to say I was drunk at a party last semester.    I tied my bra to the ceiling fan while it was still moving slowly.   I gave a guy a blowjob in front of everyone while another guy was eating me out.   I tried to pull down another guys shorts and ended up falling flat on my chin (which still has a bump today).    I made everyone laugh histarically when they saw me do that.    I made friends that I will always have a bond with because of that stupid night.    All of this because I wanted a few little drinks.    
  We were watching "Being John Malkovich", lying on her black loveseat in the dark.  We were both pretty high.  The scene where Camron Diaz is inside John Malkovich who is having sex with the brunette.  my girlfriend is laying across me, and I've got my hand on her legs.  The scene shows Malkovich being ridden from his point of view.  My girlfriend say "kind of makes you want to fuck, huh?"  That was the last time we fooled around, even though we didn't fuck.  I really wish we had, cause she doesn't want to see me now.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I should have found his calm, polite, intellectual pretentiousness offputting in the same way that I find that particular behavior abhorrent in my parents, but yet I was somehow drawn to it. It was like there was something about his warm, inviting smile and cynical sarcasm belieing his romantic nature that made him seem real - and made it seem like perhaps you could be brilliant and not be cold, detached and far too sophisticated for words.  And then I realized that I had spent three days convinced that someone who had spilled multiple coffee related beverages on himself in one night was far too sophisticated for me.  
  You know something's up when you can read Henry Rollins books and identify with him.        
   I love women. My concept of beauty spans a wide spectrum of physical form. Short or tall, big or small, stocky, lithe, thick, thin, dark or pale.  I should have been a pirate, then I could've gotten all the wenches. Arrrrr.       
   My car broke down just outside of Pocahontas, and a few minutes later a family pulled up in a large white car.  The father, in a cowboy hat, and his son, with Jesus on his belt buckle, asked me what was wrong.  I started muttering something about the car being old and maybe the gage doeesn't work and it just slowed down and surged and stopped.  He was my route to salvation, and all of a sudden I was scared.  I thought about them being part of a Jesus cult and trying to kidmap me, only I'm not a kid anymore, so I'm not sure why I was thinking that.  My car broke down.  These people were offering me help; a ride to the station, where they were going to pick up their car.  It seemed too coincidental and then I forgot that life's just like that sometimes.  And all the way here I was admiring the red white and blue flags, thinking about America and what those colors and stars and stripes are for.  The father was like Saint Jude, or Saint Christopher or (forgive me I'm not Catholic) an angel or something.  He told me to say these words:  "Jesus loves me.  God bless my life."  and then he and his son got back in their car and drove to the service station, where they told the mechanic about me and sent him back to pick me up in his truck.  This I found out after getting a ride from a policeman to the Powhattan Motel-Restaurant, with newly finished floors, for whatever it's worth.   Anyway it turns out, I was just out of gas.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  ~sigh~ I'm almost too embarrassed about this one to post it. I guess that makes it mandatory. So I read this post from somebody-or-other about the Cardboard Tube Test. Aparrently, a less-than-average penis will have a bit of room to wobble around in an empty toilet paper roll (does it have to be empty?), an average schlong will just fit, and a well-endowed individual will have a "snug" fit. I felt challenged. I have empty toilet paper rolls, after all. Why not? 1. It's difficult to GET sufficiently aroused whilst fiddling with a toilet paper roll. In fact, the very idea of what you're doing might make it near impossible. (or conversely, unavoidable, considering some of the things I read here.) 2. Cardboard chafes. This I did not discover until later. (Okay, I knew, but figured that it would not be a factor. Optimistic Pessimism?) 3. Ever noticed what happens when you have one of those blood pressure sleeves on your arm? Well, imagine, if you will, a cock ring that that binds your ENTIRE SHAFT with like pressure. So here I am, with the head of my dick swelling to painful (yet compellingly impressive) proportions, thus TRAPPING the tube where it is, cellulose fibers (that's what paper, and thus cardboard, are made of, 'Browers.) creating friction that could start a fire, and a taut tube that will NOT tear, rip, break apart, or slide off. Thus satisfied that I was adequately endowed, I had to limp to the shower to wet the damn thing down, and I wondered if I had been the victim of a brilliantly executed joke. Go on. Try it yourself. I fuckin' dare ya.  
  a Korean restaurant. violent heaving. followed by two days of intense illness in bed due to amoebic dysentary resulting from the aforementioned meal. now forever known as "being Pyongyanged".   
  For our second anniversary of getting together, I buy her a dozen Calla lilies and present them to her at rehearsal.  All the women in the choir oooh and aaah appreciatively.  She gives me a card that reads: "I don't think I would put up with you, if you weren't so cute."  I can somehow tell that its not much longer, now...  When I finally do break with her, two fabulous women in the choir descend on me together and won't take no for an answer.  Not that I was offering to say no.  
  I had a dream last night that sorry_e_e had hit the lotto and all the lowbrowers were together at some podunk convention hall getting shitfaced.    Sorry sat on a throne in the middle of the room: a 14 year old fat kid who was pretending to take hits off this monster bong so that people wouldn't make fun of him.  So I lit the place on fire.  The lowbrow part of this is not the burning, but the fact that I dreamed about lowbrow at all.  Time to cut back, methinks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         21st century digital boy. over one half of all clocks i come in contact with on a daily basis reset themselves for daylight saving's time... cell phone, computers, gps, my fancy atomic alarm clock... i feel like such a chump.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i leaned against the side of my car in front of the house she shares with her ex-boyfriend last night talking to her about how i was willing to take things slow.  then i slid my hand up her shirt and talked to her about cocaine.  
  i was over at her house. she's a minister's daughter and the house is spotless. they're like a page out of the 50's.  i make a note to myself: wholesomeness sucks.  we sit down to eat and it seems like they like me alright. i'm eating this pita thing and all the sudden the insides of it keep dripping out until my hands are covered with it. they laugh and say it's alright.  she says her mom thinks i'm funny and her dad think i'm smart. i wonder what they'd think if they knew what their daughter does to me when they're not looking.  
       My roommate and I were drunk, and we ended up kissing.  His beard was rough, and it annoyed me, so I punched him in the face.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Even My Motorhome Joined LowBrow  It hasn't been near a sewer hookup for two years, but it has a neat gas gauge-type thing for the holding tank. I check it regularly, and it shows the tank is still only 1/4 full (quite believeable -- I shower and wash in the house). I regularly feed the holding tank a bottle of intense blue fluid, which completely takes care of the smell.* I need to pee really bad. A long one. I flush. I hear a strange noise outside. I walk around the motorhome. Oh crap. Lots of it. Bright blue crap, very artistic. So much for that neat gas gauge-type thing. It gets worse. I can't afford to put this monster on the road right now...  ---------- *I recently sat down on the toilet just after I'd poured a bottle in. You think blue balls feels bad? You should try Electric Blue penis tip...  
  My latest musical endeaver is entitled  "Vulgar Hairlip"  Let image conjuring begin...  
  I drink too much during the week.  Driving from downtown LA to Marina Del Rey to the west side of the San Fernando Valley at 7AM still drunk isn't a fun experience.  Now I'm starting work...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roommate and i at the bar commonly refered to as the shit shack. we had ditched the most annoying broad in the world (seriously, she wins) with our friends back at our apartment, my friend mike was trying to lay her better looking and less annoying friend. mike was pissed.   four very large drunk men decide they want to buy drinks for the cute blonds (those being us) and what're we drinking?  tequila, of course.  so after seven shots of well tequila out of dixie cups, (the last two double fisted) said four men and us are stumbling back to our apartment, men eager to try out our ginormous bear claw tub, all of us together. i don't recall how they knew about the tub.  a few blunts later roommate and i are tag-teaming said tub and toilet, projectile vomit everywhere.  this is when our other roommate, d's boyfriend, my best friend, comes home from work. to find four very large very drunk men (oh yeah... at least three of them worked as bouncers around town) both roommates projectile vomiting all over the bathroom. it is now up to him to explain to the very large and eager looking men in the living room the girls are out of commission for the night. My last memory is roommate hanging over me, begging me to show signs of life. i think i twitched a finger, than got hauled to bed where i continued to vomit over everything.  i have never been so hungover, nor have i caused so many people to be angry with me in such a short period of time. i still drink tequila.  karma? i poop on karma.:)  
  10/05/01:  Having lunch with a bunch of people from work.  My Iranian co-worker suddenly says: "That woman sitting there -- she looks like an airline stewardess. I feel an incredible urge to strangle her!"  I say: "Want to borrow my box-cutters?"  The table is silent.  Some people just have   no  sense of humour...  
  It tells a lot about you, you know, depending on which Teletubbie you'd most like to abuse.  
  Hollow out the middle of a  large  pineapple. Put a can of Sterno  in the middle. Put chunks of Spam , cocktail weiners, or Vienna Sausages on toothpicks and poke them into the inside of the pineapple. Light the Sterno . There, now you are at a fucking luau. Shithead.  
  In a long, halted, inching line of constuction traffic alone in a road trip, i had to whizz so bad I couldn't take it any more. no trees to the side to squat behind- no rest stops to stop at, I was in bad shape. I look to the cluttered floor of my car and spot my salvation:  A 7-11 Super Big Gulp Cup.   I drove along while peeing in the cup and lo and behold my bladder filled it up to the brim and overflowed. I tried to keep it level while I rolled down the window and tossed it outside.   Maybe everone would think it was Mountain Dew.  
  This happened in high school. Me and a couple guys were in the bathroom minding our business, when suddenly we heard muffled deep breathing and rhythmic beats coming from one of the stalls. We looked at each other knowingly, and peered above it. And there he was, in all its glory, a chronic masturbator. He had to move soon afterwards. School became hell for him.  
  I was watching Dead Man On Campus on tv, and as Alyson Hannigan looks at her horrifying burned up hair in the mirror after the psycho roomate set it on fire while lighting her bong, the same guy comes up behind her and says, "Uh, I'd recommend you use conditioner."  I thought that was so funny. Laughed my ass off.   Later, I rented the movie from my video store, and when it got to that point, I braced myself for laughter. However, this time the guy said, "I guess a blowjob's out of the question." I didn't even chuckle. It wasn't that funny, and I was shocked. The edited television version of a movie was funnier than the regular version. Who'da thunk it.  
  It was my birthday last week and my friends and I are drinking heavily at the local bar. One friend, who shall remain nameless, proceeds to get completely shit faced and pass out, sitting up, with his head propped up on the bar. My best friend, who is also wasted, decides that it is a brilliant idea to throw cherrys at him. On her first try she hits him squarely on the forehead and not a moment later he projectile vomits mass quantities all over the bar. I think it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen.  Reminds me of those oldie timey shooting galleries where when you hit your target music plays and a flag waves....but different.  
  Stocking capped, bearded, flanneled, he sat looking around as if he was outof place.  He was.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  girls don't really go after guys just for their cars do they? although, now that i think about it, that would explain why no one wants to go out with me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am trying to figure out why the woman who shares my cubical at work drives me so crazy. It could be the fact that she considers a spiral perm the height of fashion. It could be that her voice resembles Lily Tomlin's Ernestine character on speed...and loud. It could be that she's in her late 40's and still acts "cutsey". It could be that she talks to herself all the time, not like muttering the way we all do when preoccupied, but because she wants to be heard. It could be because she just tries too fucking hard. It could be because she's so hopelessly codependent she still makes appointments for her 22 year old son. It could be that she tries to butter me up by calling me guru. I mean she does all the things everyone else does and gets away with, but on her it just rings utterly false.   It could be that I could be her in another 15 years.   Good Christ, no, it couldn't be that.  
  So at my uni, there's this vending machine which i refer to as the vending machine of hell...  You see, me and this machine go way back, we have our own history. and every time the story is the same. But thats not all, I just dont learn! I go back and make the same mistake over and over and over and over again.  A few semesters back, I insert 2 bucks into the machine for a bar of chocolate, of course its understandable I need my daily chocolate fix, and of course I recieve my change. The chocolate bar falls...and lands on top of a bag of chips that has become stuck right above that little ledge inside the machine...obviously from the last person to try to use it. A bit annoyed, I reach into it try to grab both items whilst almost getting my arm stuck in the process. after 10 minutes of this I give up and decide another approach, I call the hotline, wasting another $2 on credit on my mobile while the woman on the line (who's on the other side of the country) says she'll send someone out in a few days.  I'm not content, in a last ditch effort I shake and take running jumps at the machine for about 5 minutes. kicking it a few times, while other students laugh their asses off at me as they walk by.  It worked tho, I got my chocolate, and a free bag of chips :P Score!  A few days later I get a refund on the $2 from the company. Score again!  I shouldnt try this too much, the company's beginning to get suspicious...  
  One of those guys with free movie tickets came up to us in the mall. Wanted to know if we wanted free tickets to a new Greg Kinnear flick. I said "We don't think he's very funny. Thanks anyway."  a few minutes later I hear the guy yelling at us from like 50 yards away..."Well he doesn't think you're very funny either!"  Whatever.  
  i have to talk to and shake hands with alot of people every day since i started reading lowbrow i am anal about washing my hands after each encounter  
  Okay, so I finished washing my face with the cloth, messed my hair up a bit, and took out my contacts. I squeezed a bit of toothpaste onto my toothbrush, and started to brush my teeth.   My lowbrow moment was the instant that I realized I was brushing my teeth with extra-strength Clearisil.  Fuck.  
  its really very simple boston sucks immensely the cops the clowns the nose permanently jammed into the air or up someones ass for a quick shot of yes i am truely great in lesser circles it a matter of idiots with money playing a game they call life where a charitable donantion supposedly makes you god so why not get boozed up and sell smack to the old boys in southie in the haughty cliques its the incontrovertable evidence that the peons do not have the intelligence and yes the world is my toilet fetch me some bottled water no not that horrid stuff you incredibly trite being skip all that socio politics the cops are thugs the water sucks bars close at eleven and no beer is sold on sundays rent for a rat roach infested single bedroom is more that a kidney transplant and you cant park anywhere during the school year add that to the shittiest ball clubs in pro sports history the fucking jets beat the patsies in massholechusetts on monday night again and the rep as the biggest welfare state in the us of a whats to like newark looks good by comparison shit id rather live in compton        
  One night at a keg party during college, me and some friends got into a headted argument over "the Donkeypunch".    For those who don't know, a donkeypunch is a sexual maneuver performed while having anal sex.  The person position behind jams in real hard just as they are about to blow and that just punches the recipient in *either* the kidney or the back of the head.  We were over arguing which one it was.  I say kidney to this day, but that is besides the point.    Upon leaving the party, everyone crammed into my buddies car and there wasn't enough room for me.  Being the smart one that i am, i figured the party was close to campus I would just RUN home.  I started to run, my friends passed by on the street.  I took a shortcut behind a house and stopped to take a piss.  Upon finishing i saw my friends walking up the sidewalk. I figured i would go up and show them that a donkeypunch definately isn't in the head.  So i went running through the yard so could jack one of the guys in the back of the head.    Only problem was in my drunken state I didn't see the barbed wire fence between them and me.  They laughed at my mangled drunken body...and I am a local legend.  
  Crouching there before the toilet, spewing forth a steam of black bile from my mouth I could not help but take note of the fact that Corn - even of the poped variety - seems to remain in your system eternally.  
  On the way to her car, she stopped and turned around.  "I don't usually do this...  But can I have your number, or can I give you mine?"  I had been chatting with her in the bar for a good hour.  We were drunk.  She was a strawberry blonde with a good sense of humor.  She liked my jukebox selections, and told me she watched porn.  When she asked for my number, I knew I was hit.  I couldn't just refuse, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  So I had to explain that my wife probably wouldn't appreciate the calls.  She said, "Okay, but why don't you wear a wedding ring?"    Instead of admitting that I like to flirt and whatever, I stammered something about not liking to wear jewelry.    What an ass I am.  She kissed me on the cheek and walked away.  
  For years driving through bumfuck Kansas on vacation, in the middle of nowhere (exit 238 on I-70 west of Salina) I had passed an adult bookstore. Acouple of years ago me and the old lady decide to stop in. What a shitty, scummy place with over priced stuff and two "peep" rooms that are basically thrown together and have TS's and a chair.   On our last trip we saw an new place was open. It looked really nice outside and inside was very well done and clean. Theey even had new state of the art booths (about 8 of them) that allowed you to preview selections were clean and private. We both checked them out.  We'll be stopping there again. Next time with more quarters.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         once a young drunk kid started leaning on me as a way to hit on me. it started off as drunken leaning, in the guise of being purely for support, then his hand crept slowly to encircle my waist. i picked his hand off of my body, and told him in front of all his friends that if he tried to touch me again, id punch him out. after being so brutal i felt bad (him being so young and so drunk, and humiliated in front of all his friends). then he had to go and try that shit again.  
  Why must my boyfriend ask me- "How was it?" or "how many times did you have an orgasmn?" After we have sex? It's like- "you were there, you tell me. You seem to care more than I do." You'd think after having sex for a year now, he would start counting on his own.    
  I was washing my dog the other day and it let off a little tommy squeaker! I thought "Phew!" My boyfriend remarked,"That smells like dogfood!"  Ahh! How we laughed!       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When AT&T calls you urging you to switch your current long distance plan to their cheaper more efficient service, do not hesitate. Scream as loud as you can into the phone for as long as you can.  
   What if I  never  sleep with a girl who wants to fuck me in the ass?    I mean, I am not  necessarily  sure I want a girl to fuck me in the ass. But I am sure I want one who's willing to do so, should the desire arise. It's a matter of principle.   
     the only thing i know how to say in spanish is:   put your panties on and get the fuck out of here!        
  we were all standing on the train going to work and trying not to touch each other or look at each other and it was the last big stop before my stop and i was so happy to be almost there because i hate pretending to hate people on the subway. then just before the door closes and the lady says "door closing," a tall, portly man who probably never fits into any human-sized space bounds through the doors, hands raised above his head as if to say 'i am victorious.' he's wearing a white linen three-piece suit and shiny gold glasses and he holds onto those bars above his head, inches from the grimacing faces of the men on either side of him, and smiles like he's never been happier in his whole frickin life. i don't hate the subway anymore.  
  We went outside to see what all the hoopla was about. Seems the fellows on the third floor had set fire to the outside couch, we used to sit on it when smoking, and tossed it over the balcony.  Appears they wanted a bonfire and more chicks.       
  I'm drinking coffee.  Sanka with sugar and powdered creamer.  It tastes ok.  
  After walking in from the garage (the only smoking room in the house) I became aware of some strange ambient music. While we were smoking, this crazy fucker had put in porn and then began ranting about the musical genius of the composer, Vladimir. After a half hour of girl on girl action I began to appreciate the music as well. I began to wonder, where do they find these geniuses?   Crazy then finished his fifth of Monarch Bourbon and passed out. Twenty minutes later, he sprung up, bolted outside and fell on his face, vomit erupting from his open mouth. He lay there for a moment and then jumped up, no longer compromised, and lifted Mark up into the air while trying to grab chode. In the end, all he managed to squeeze were Mark's two throbbing testicles.   Oddly enough, I found myself not wanting to catch the 8:30 train home in three hours.  
  waiting for the bus, i watched a woman shuffle up to the stop, drop her sweatpants, and gleefully, toothlessly, unabashedly cover the bench with piss   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I've decided that my computer and myself have a love hate relationship depending on the fact that there are only two things I use it for....surfing porn and paying bills ...one of which I love and the other I hate  
  Fucking rank.  I asked her if her fart was realy hot and airy.  She said yes.  Well the next time your fart feels like that, I said, pull the covers down because that funk sticks around in the sheets.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I took a kama sutra pocket book from Barnes and Noble and beat off to it in the bathroom, then deposited said book into the baby change station that they had in the stall.  I think they moved the change station out of there because they found too many sex books stashed in there.  
  (actual, real e-mail address - must be a first :-)  Late, stuck in a noisy motel, starving.  Only place open is a barandgrill.  I order a cheesesteak.  Long time coming. Couple of women sit next to me.  The loud one is a piggy-faced fat broad who has a blathering, stupid opinion on everything, nonstop, for a bleedin' hour, while her friend can only get in the occasional: "Yes" "I see..."  When I leave, I stop by them, ask the silent one: "May I ask you a question?"  The fat one stops mid-sentence, looks annoyed.  The silent one says, interested: "Of course!"   "Don't you think your friend talks too much?"  The silent one explodes laughing, then recovers: "Ehh, oh.. no, of course not"  The fat one says: "THANK YOU, GOODNIGHT!"  I turn: "You really do, you know.  You really should shut up and listen sometimes.  Have a pleasant evening"  I tip my hat and leave, very happy.    
  I like to read fantasy books while i take a shit in my dorm bathroom.  Ive read lord of the rings in this fashion, taking 20 minute dumps in the early am so i'm not disturbed.  I try to aim for a chapter a sitting.   When you have 80 page chapters you have to space it out over the day.    That's so much time on the crapper you need to get up and stretch your legs before sitting bag down and continuing reading.  
  so today at my school there was a blood donar clinic and I was all prepared to give blood untill I  got to that boot that asks questions. they asked if I had used cocaine in the past 12 months. I pondered saying yes but decided to say no, because it probally doesnt make any difference right?  so then they asked if I have had sex with someone who has done cocaine or any illegal needle involved drugs and I figured that by this point maybe I should be saying yes then they asked if I have ever had sex with someone whos sexual history I was unaware of. . .   so I couldnt give blood today, "because my throat is sore"   
  when we get drunk, we play this game called donkey-kong.  what you have to do is take a keg shell and roll it down a flight of stairs.  another person stands at the bottom and jumps over the approaching keg.  it is just like the old video game.  the person a the top is donkey-kong, and the person at the bottom is mario. one time my friend mike hurt his knees.  another time, my friend chris leaped all the way over the rail and jumpkicked my other friend chris in his broken hand.  chris #2 broke his hand punching chris #1.  
  in kindergarden we had several diffrent play areas.. you would spend 10-15 minutes in each area and then move to the next when the whistle blew... ashley wouldn't leave the sandbox when he was supposed to... i stabbed him in the eye with one of those little yellow construction vehicles that hotwheels made... i think it was a crane.  he always wore bibbed overalls... i'll never forget those light blue oshkosh bibbed overalls...   
   (Hardly much of a challenge)   I snuck into the church and smeared  KY jelly  on the  bible  on the pulpit, so that when ol' Hell & Damnation got warmed up and started to wave the bible about for emphasis, it would shoot out of his hand like a pumpkin seed and smack one of the congregation.  
  My boyfriend brought this to my attention:  What's up with corn? You can chew it untill it turns to a liquid form, but when its time to go, and you finally do, you look down and it's in full form again. Explain that!  
  Waltzed in, 90 minutes late for a two hour exam.  "I'm here to take the final."  Teacher looks at me, then her watch, then me again as she hands me the test paper.  Sit down and finish in 15 minutes. Leave before everyone else.  Nothing gets in the way of my Counterstrike. I pass too.  
        Working at a local bookstore, I once asked a man if he would like a bag to put his books in. He replied: " no, my wife is over there."  ha ha   
  Homophobia is gay.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         MEKKA LEKKA HI  The cops pounded on my front door.  I hate cops, but opened it just a crack anyhow to see what they wanted.  The younger one pushed his way in, obviously bent about something.  I grabbed a handful of his hair and slammed his face into the doorjamb.  What probably saved both our lives at that point was that his head _bounced_ off the wood, just like a rubber ball! I was frozen in confusion by this apparent violation of physics, and must have had quite a look on my face, because his partner, instead of pulling his gun, started convulsing with laughter. "Aw man, I think my nose is broke," the younger guy complained sheepishly, holding his nose as blood spurted from his hands.  His partner, still laughing, led him away, and I got ready to clean yet another puddle of blood off the doorstep.  
  One day I was riding my bike through the park when a strange man started riding next to me and asking me questions.  After several attempts to move away from him he kept following me, so I picked an open area and decided to talk to him for a couple minutes and maybe he'd leave.  Well a couple minutes turned into an hour.  At times the topics turned to masturbation and other perverse things, and at one point I was asked if I wanted him to bring some pornographic magazines for us to look at.  I don't ride through that park much anymore...  
  don't mess with texas? why would i want to? what do they have that i could possibly want? should've let the mexi's have it. i fucking hate texas. texans, too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I knew a movie star for a while.  A big one.  Not Dustin Hoffman though.  But you know him.  He once said:  "Everybody wants to be famous.  You know one time this chick flashed me her titties in Italy in a bar so I lifted up my T shirt back at her.  The next day they had a picture on the cover of the local newspaper."  "Yeah" I said "but then. . ."  "You know what the difference between fame and family is?  Family you don't see for a few years and when they do they still adore you.  Fame you come back after laying low for a while and everyone's over you.  Like contempt - like contemptuous.  But  everybody   wants to be a fuckin star.  People should strive for family."  "But then there's millions of dollars." I said.  "Yeah of course then there's millions of dollars."  
  One time my dog was all hepped up on steroids, that we were giving her for her allergies to grass.  It made her all hyper and super aggressive.  At one point she got into a fight with my other dog, and bit him hard on the head and the leg.  He was bleeding a bit but it wasnt too bad, but my whole family was gathered around him, making sure he was alright. The my other dog noticed he was getting all the attention, and I guess she wanted it too, so she pretended to limp around the house, so we would think that she was hurt too, and we would all  pay attention to her.  As soon as she went outside though, she was running around no problem, the limp was gone. My dog is an evil genius of sorts.  Its a sad, sad day when your realize that your dog is smarter than you are.  
  I read and read and read.  I have never once read any definitive truths.  Just people's opinions about what the truth might be.  People are pretty hi-falutin' when it comes to the truth.  What if it turns out that the truth is a fat, bald, ex-factory worker drinking his life away in a trailer in Cheyenne, Wyoming?  That would sure fuck up your day now, wouldn't it?  
    One day my friends had the bright idea to make up rumors about me.  The rumor goes that at a friends house, one guy handed out drinks but gave me water.  Somehow i got wasted off of it, and stumbled all over the house.  Then i proceded to blow the german shepard in the back yard.     The rumor developed into my loving bestiality and dog porn.     I now have people who wont talk to me because they think im sick and suck dog penis.     Thanks guys  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Me and Timmy driving in west Jersey at 2 am just for kicks, summer after senior year. He goes to turn into a big parking lot, looking for another road. "Tim, you've just turned into a marijuana cigarette". I don't know why he's laughing, then it hits me.  Damn Sublime song, damn exhaust fumes         
  we were at heavenly, and standing around outside the ticket windows.  this guy walked by us and accidentally hit me with his skis.    "oh, I am sorry" said he.  To which, I replied, "I am frank, man of steel, from china. and you, cannot hurt me."       
  Studying algebra isn't for the algebra. It's for the brain power.  The blood flow. Studying ancient history isn't for the history, itself.  It's for the ability to understand humanity/yourself. Tell your kids to study hard at school. Really.  
  How often do people shit theirself? Man, the shit yourself stories I've read here.  If you're on a crowded bus or in a store, chances are  someone nearby may be shitting theirself at that very moment. Watch their faces. A sudden look of surprise... yep, that's a shitter.    
  "You can't piss in your wheaties and ask for another bowl"...  the awe inspiring wisdom of rural Michigan...   what pisses me off though is that I find I have started using it myself...  primarily because it deal with urination and some sort of bran-flake cereal...  I find the combo too irresistable...  but still - I wish I would have thought of it it instead of the damn Michiganders...  
  Fat ladies come into my work alot (I make subs). That's bad enough in itself, cause women in their 30s and 40s are the WORST and most ANNOYING and BITCHY customers ever. I despise dealing with them, but they're always there buying food for their snotty little kids.   Anyways.. so fat ladies come in and this happens:  "I'd like a Beasty with extra cheese."  *sigh* I know it's starting. "What would you like on top?"  "A little lettuce and extra mayo."  I put on extra mayo. "That it?"  "Um.. maybe a little more mayo."  I literally finish the tube of fat on her damn sub. "Good?"  "Just a teensy bit more."  Good lord. I turn to my coworker and ask for another tube of mayo. He comes back, tosses it to me, and exclaims "One tube of fat!"  The lady however continues to drool over the mayo I now continue to put on her sub. Finally it's enough. "So, anything else with that?"  "One of these cookies, and... a large diet coke."  Stop.  Why the fuck a large DIET coke?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't call me paranoid, but....  You know those little red lines that you have on your face when you wake up?  You know, from the creases in the pillow where your head was lying (laying?) while you were sleeping?  I found out that those little red lines are the beginning of bed sores.   I sleep a lot less, now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What really scares me is how many of these moments take place in San Francisco, Berkley, Bay-Area-ish.   Close to where I live, is what I'm getting at here.  Unless they were all written by the same person.   In that case,   Whew.  
  i love listening to teenagers bitch said the kid shrink like theyve had enough mileage to complain about anything id like to see some of these snots in twenty years ill switch to treating adults cos this batch of wusses are all gonna need help when they realize the hafta actually  do bold font italics something with their lives  its fucking job security i tell you like being a mechanic that specializes in cheap japanese cars    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in college I used to drink like any other student - copiously and indiscriminately  But I remember the day I discovered the beauty of whiskey, the flavour, the warmth, I learned to appreciate it without using it to get so drunk I'd be sick or forget my name  I learned to love it  The day I switched on my PC to do some small-time maintenance, and discovered hidden files: my boyfriend at the time  (dirtylowdownscumbagworthlessnothing)  had photoshopped pictures of my face onto the bodies of naked girls  and I knew, just knew he'd swapped these photos in chat rooms, posted them on amateur porn sites, probably submitted one or two to 'hotornot'  and then I found more photos, where he had hidden cameras around the room, left the web cam on and switched the monitor off, hidden a video camera  hundreds of downloaded images too  scrolling up and down the page and they never ended  soft porn, hardcore porn, barely legal, rape fantasies, bondage  all on my PC  all downloaded using a 'per minute' access phone connection cosing me hundreds of pounds a month while he maintained he was 'looking for a job'  he's so low I hope he dies roaring  and drunk will never fix anything for me again  so I now just drink whiskey because I like the taste  (...and sometimes on the fourth glass I fantasise about putting my cigarettes out on his face).  
  My buddy's girlfriend is a vegetarian.  I sometimes have a meal with them, so I ended up with falafel mix in my cupboard.  I'm broke and hungry, so I'm frying up a falafel sandwich with a side of fried onions (cuz I still have a bunch of those).  After frying it in the pan for a while, I have come to this conclusion:  Falafel mix is the vegetarian equivalent of SPAM.  
  In New Orleans the cab drivers actually talk to you. One recommended we visit the aquarium, he claimed it was the biggest and best in the world. He also told us they gave him and his family free tickets.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  last week of eighth grade-waiting to leave art class, a room set off from the main school hallway, we had to stand at the door to hear the class bells...a bunch of guys start goofing around in the back of the line, trip and fall forward, pushing us all toward the two female art teachers who are standing in the doorway. I get to be in front, and fall forward, grabbing...the breast of Ms. M*****ham, the ugly, hateful art teacher of the class. She wanted to suspend me, but the other teacher told her not to; 'it's the last week of the year, what the hell for?' The guys never let me live it down, that I grabbed Ms. M's tit instead of Ms. F's tit, who was the nice AND pretty one...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once asked the janitor what his favorite 40oz was.  He said, "the one that Lando Calrissian sonnuva bitch drinks."  Good answer.  
  She's absolutely fascinated with penises.   I can understand someone's fascination when they've only seen them in pictures and never actually seen one in the wild.              
  I watched as he walked out in front of her, letting the door drop closed almost into her face before catching it quickly in a frantic lunge upon  remembering that they were ln fact walking together...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't believe my friend emailed me a quicktime movie of that hot chick getting it hard from behind by a dalmation on a baby blanket in the living room.  Now every time I see a hot chick I wonder if she's doing the family dog in her spare time.  While no one is doing me.          
  nothing is worse than running into a dark bathroom and sitting down only to find out that the toilet seat is up.  and all you can do is sit there on the uncovered filthy toilet and think "ew" -- well honey, i got news for you.  its worse when your too drunk to realize that the toilet lid is down, and then you let loose anyways.  thats "ew"  
  I poured hot water into my doggie shit composter this morning.  You see, here in Minneapolis it's too cold for this wonder of technology to work in the dead of winter.  I had to melt all the snow and ice so I could stir up the dog shit to make room for more.  It's been the highlight of my day.  
  Over my shoulder, I hear the waitress walk over to the bartender and mumble a question.  Nutsacker? He says clear as a bell.  My brother and I lock eyes over out sandwiches.  I can only hope we heard wrong.  
  I drunk my first litre of 60% alcohol home-made liquor when I was 11, Started smoking at 10. Drank, smoked, tested all kinds of drugs from 12 to 15...  Now I'm 17. I hardly ever go out, drink, do drugs or meet girls. I guess all those "It's harder to stop the earlier you start" morals were no promises...  
  I used to work in a movie theater several years ago.  One of the best jobs I've ever had, one of the worst, you know.  Just a job.  One of the downsides about this job was that you'd go home reeking of popcorn.  Not even the good stuff, you know that wonderfully mouth-watering smell of freshly-popped popcorn with just the right amount of salt and some melted butter trickled through the kernels.  No, it was a more greasy, stale, not good popcorn smell.  I had this scent on all the clothes I wore there; you could smell them through the closet door.  Well, after I quit, I realize I'm not going to smell like popcorn any more.  I didn't shower this morning.  I smell exactly like that fucking popcorn.  In the immortal words of sorry_e_e:  quote  bigfuckinquestionmark  endquote  
  The other day I saw this fat lady buying like 50 candybars. She didnt bother with a cart or anything like that, she just had them clutched against her enormous breasts slowly melting into chocolate-nut mush.  I guess what I'm trying to say is... snickers are pretty good.  
  I took a creative writing class at community college a couple of years ago. I should have known how easy it was going to be when the instructor revealed himself to be in it strictly for the money... as long as we each bought a copy of his vanity-press book of poetry and wrote a review of it, we would pass.  One of our ongoing assignments was to keep a journal. Since I doubted he ever really read them, I filled mine with the wicked doings like I post here, only more homicidal, and various psychopathic paranoid rants. I discovered he actually did read them by the way he'd turn and rapidly go in the opposite direction when meeting me in the hallway. Hi-ho for the power of the written word!   
  whenever you are scared to talk to a girl, just think of all those shamefull nights you spent masturbating to a porno with your finger up your ass. offers plenty of motivation. i swear it works, or double your money back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was in the shower when i started to think of some really kinky shit  so i put the shower nozzle on massage and got my self off  i came so hard i almost passed out  got out of the shower and toweled off  then i stood there bone dry feeling like an asshole because i realized i never got around to using any soap.  i bet my boyfriend wants to know why i take two showers within ten minutes huh?    
  Hate it when people leave a nice present for you when you go into the public bathroom. It sucks more when you glance down and you can tell what they ate for breakfast too.  
  whilst helping out my rather attractive female co-worker/friend, i feel my penis engaging into attack mode after she mentioned something about how she would go down on me if she wasn't seriously involved with somebody.   To save myself from the potential embarassment, I conjure up what will likely occur when she goes home from work that night-i.e., riding her 400-pound boyfriend's cock in the back of his Suburban.  Yup.  Shriveled up quite nicely    
  hey ben, were having yor grammas left over chilli for dinner.oh, you mean that horrible v8, water and pinto beans mixed? fucking salt gramma! SALT!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Talking away with out ever seeing a face.   Hearing about someone's day without ever hearing a voice.  Estimating someone's intelligence by their typing skills.  Masking our insecurities behind our tough words.  Trusting that even though she says she's a 22 year old from Missisippi, she just might be a 59 year old from New York.  Ahhhhhhh,,,, Love on the Internet, Isn't it grand?  
  I was at my boyfriends house one night, when I had to take a NASTY shit.   We were in bed, and seeing that the only bathroom was an adjoining one- in between he, and his roommate's bedrooms-I opted for plan B.   "Where are you going?" he said. "I'm having a hard time sleeping.  I'm just going to go for a little drive- it always seems to help."  I throw on a pair of his boxers, some shiny, gem, studded tanktop of mine and flew out the door.    The first gas station was closed. I had to drive another 12 blocks or so to the next one.    Beads of sweat began to roll down my face. I was cramping and violently trying to clench my ass so this runny shit would not splooge out.   I go tearing in to 7-11, with full sparks coming from the bottom of my car as I scrape over the curb.  I get out and try to act as casual as possible, despite the group of young hoods that are loitering out front of the store.   "Can I use your bathroom please?" I go in and let loose.  I must have been in there for a good 10 minutes- gas, diarrhea, the works.    I come out, and seeing that I'm the only customer in the store, I figure I should buy something.   I get a single serving of milk, and a bottle of Robotussin.       
  I can't remember when I first noticed it, but if you stick your finger in your bellybutton and then smell it, it smells rather like pussy. Just a little, a tiny bit, and in a good way, not tuna-y at all.  The downside is getting caught sampling your navel odor on the bus.    
  John Elway in pig latin is "Brian Griese".  Or maybe it's "Kordell Stewart".  I don't know.  I am from Pittsburgh....        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time in a sporting good store my Uncle Bill was browsing the rifle/shotgun section of the store. I was 10 at the time so I was amused just watching him look at these big pieces of metal with such admiration.  Uncle Bill is soon approached by a man wanting to know more about a few perticular rifles. My Uncle being the incredibly funny and outgoing and worldly man he is proceeds to sell this man not only one, but two rifles.   Back then the guns weren't locked up in a case like they are now. You could just walk up and grab a gun. That's what they did.  The man walked up to the register pleased as punch. My Uncle Bill thought nothing of it. I thought it was funny as shit.  Kinda lowbrow/juvenile that my Uncle pretended to be a gun salesman for the thrill of getting caught.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I sell cancer partime at a tobaco shop for four reasons. 1. The owner is the best person I have ever worked for. 2. I can tell customers to go fuck themselfs when their mean. 3. I get to card all the girls and find out how old they are. It still blows my mind that someone born in 1984 is legal to fuck.  
  One time I was afraid I had cancer in my nutsack. I felt lumps in there, and so I went to the doctor.  Anyways, it was all ok, the doctor told me that those were just my testicles.  But what the fuck, 80 dollars for letting somebody feel you up.  
  WENDY'S MOMENT #1       So I'm sitting in Wendy's with my bf and the guy who lives next door, and he starts this story about a roommate he had.       He starts "I had this roommate once, and he always had a can of hairspray on his desk, and he had no hair.  So I'm wondering why he has hairspray?  I soon found out.     So I'm sitting on the other sid of the room and all of a sudden I hear a loud static sound.  I turn around and the wall is black!  He pulled a lighter out of thin air and starts another fire stream at the desk!  It turns out he had ants in his IMac. Now that's one of those what do you call them?  Lowbrow moments."      Hmm, lots of tiny bugs in a Mac.     
  I didn't mind when the 6'9" samoan dressed like an Indian, named "Izzy", crashed backwards through my window, saved from scalp lacerations only by his terrible ten-little-indians halloween wig.  I didn't mind when he vomited all over the bather room the way only a man that large can, after drinking Vat and cheap wine all night.   I didn't even mind when he passed out on the floor of my bedroom, a vast inert man-mountain, even as I tried my best to get it on with the (hot) girl dressed like a djinn.   But when I woke up 2 hours later as Izzy stroked the inside of my leg, I was forced to weigh the consequences of disapointing an enormous violent samoan against my previous notions of human sexuality.  I do, however, thank god he passed out again.   
  It happens all the time:   I'm walking to class and suddenly from the corner of my eye; I spot a small handful of females, three or four that is, fast approaching from my 3 o'clock.  Too late I realize a potential pedestrian collision and subsequent faux pax.  I freeze in the headlights rather than quickening my step, placing in such a position as to break the formation of the incoming girls (i.e. one of them will be forced to walk around me).  Due to the common Law of Female Herd Instinct, the woman whose path I have obstructed panics at the dilemma I have created: Crash against her friends, or leave the safety of the herd to take the shorter, and easier route?  Every time, that is *every* time, she will shriek quietly and attempt to slink through the impossibly small space between her friends and myself.  I can still remember the brief look of horror on the last one's face before she turned sideways and squeezed through, her other friends still yapping, not having noticed the disturbance.  I think my fedora is too low or the collar of my trench coat is up too high, that or I just have shitty peripheral vision while quietly staring at the sidewalk as I amble between classes.  Every time it happens I simply break from my stupor, mutter, "excuse me", and walk on.  After a dozen steps or so, I allow myself a devious chuckle at the brief moment of chaos I inadvertently created, and will undoubtedly create again.   
  i was over the toilet, discretely snorting coke out of a little baggie with a key, while i peed.   i accidentally dropped the baggie in my urine.  part of it turned yellowish in the bag, while some was still dry (yes, of course i reached into a pool of my urine to retrieve it)  i immediately poured it out-- what was still dry enough to pour-- onto the toilet top and snorted it.   i took the rest home and smeared it on a cigarette and smoked it.   i smoked coke laced with my own urine.   thank you.   
  My boss just died.  He didn't know how to turn on a computer, and I handled his internet stuff, web page, email, etc.  His email address is still subscribed to a history department listserv, and I nearly hit "reply-all" in order to send a message last week, under his name, to all of the faculty announcing his own funeral arrangements.  Some sense of propriety stopped me though, and another list member posted it for me.  However I've decided this is how I want my death announced- from now on, I will keep a message prepared in my Out box in case of my demise, addressed to all of my listservs, Live Journal friends, etc. with the news, and permission to forward.  Maybe it could become an internet legend, like the fake petition to Congress to save NPR.  Why go through all the trouble of great accomplishments or giving birth when Immortality can be won through spam?  
  Okay. The other day i was having a conversation with and old friend (realy crazy anti-government vegean who supprisingly dosen't soke pot)that i hadn't seen in a while. In the counslers office at my High School.  "So, i met someone who knew you a week or so ago,they were at the gas station buming change."  "That sounds alot like some of my friends, what was their name?"  "Corry."  (I don't remember having any friends named that)  "Are you shure that they knew ME?"  "well they knew your name, and well you, we had a conversation."  "um...ok, so where do i know them from?"  Then in one slick motion he reaches up and taked a hit from an air joint.  "..."  Its a sad day when you start forgeting the people you smoke with. And thoes you don't smoke with have to remind you.  
   BrewPub #103  She's sitting with her "friend." The three of us met a couple weeks ago. I like her guy, a lot. 'Cept I like her a lot, too. And besides, she is awfully purty by my standards, and is leaning way back on the rail with her wrap skirt not wrapping much of anything at all. He likes me a lot, and probably trusts me completely. He watches the band, and I don't even try to pretend to her I'm not watching her legs. She catches the direction of my gaze, and blushes (I didn't know that could be faked, but now I do). Me: "I'd like to apologise for ogling you..." She interrups: "Hey! It's Friday night!" Me, continuing: "...but I can't quite help myself. Your legs are not sitting out there by accident, are they?" Within a space of 15 seconds, I get to compare a fake blush with a real blush. I'm not done shaming myself. I'm not really flirting, at this point, and I like the guy a lot...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read the hometown obituaries every morning, looking in vain for the ex-mother-in-law's name.  Hope springs eternal.   
  Sideshow and I are headed out to a club...but we're both underage so we have this AWESOME plan:  I take a couple of shots of vodka at her house...She drives to the club.  we make a water bottle of vodka/orange juice for her to chug in the parking lot when we get there.  That way when it's time to go we're both ok to drive but we definitly have our fun.  Anyways here's what happened on this july night...  Sideshow is driving my car...We are following a group of friends in another vehicle.  Im starting to really feel it, like REALLY, and shes taking swigs from the bottle as she drives since it wont really take effect for another 15 or so, we're so close to the club!  Im drunk, she's drinking, we're both underage, she's DRIVING and all of a sudden there are flashing lights behind us!  SHIT!  Im drunk so i cant think straight.  Sideshow give me the bottle and instructs me to hide it under the seat and get my shit out of the glovebox so its ready.  we pull over.....  and the cop goes AROUND us to pull over the car that we had been following for going like 6 over!  and all the while I had been thinking to myself 'if i act like i passed out, the cops couldnt talk to me and they'd just let us go"  
  Last day of the job, and they make security go with each of us as we leave, carrying our little cardboard boxes of the residue of our former jobs. My escort is particularly jolly, basically because he still has his rent-a-cop gig and I'm laid off. Elevator is packed, full of ex-employees and escorts.  As I leave, I call across the crowded lobby to my security buddy "Don't worry about the trial, Todd. I'm sure they'll never get a five year old to testify."   
  I made a giant, scrumptious poppy seed orange cake. I like it to be almost black with poppy seeds.  Got extremely baked and ate the whole thing in one sitting.  Next night I notice I am shitting 80% poppy seed.  Same night boyfriend comes over. We start to fuck and he informs me that I have a few poppy seeds in my ass crack; ass hair to be precise. He said, "Damn, at first I thought you had crabs."  
  My pseudo gothic coworker accuses me of complaining that I can't get any pussy. I had a correction for him. It's not that I can't get it, that's easy, it's just that I can't get what I want. In a small town it's hard to hide from the wrong people, especialy if you wake up next to them. Every month my standards drop a noch.  Help, save me from the substandard quality.  
  my cousin saw a bug in her room. she hates bugs so she comes down to tell me about it and that it came out of this little hole, and crawled back in it. so i went and grabbed some liquid acrylic crack filler stuff (whatever you call that) that we had. i went up to her room, and said i could fill the hole up for her. she told me she had to clean her room some first, so i brought the stuff back down to my room. i turned some music on, and went to my desktop on my computer, which was a picture of Cindy Crawford in a very revealing outfit. i read the crack filler stuff, and it said that you should knead it well before you use it. the stuff was pretty hard cuz no one had used it in a while, so i had to knead it pretty hard. i held it down kinda between my legs and kinda leaned forward a bit to knead it better. while i was doing this, the top popped off, and some of it squirted out. most of it got on my computer desk, one or two little spots on my keyboard and my pants, and one little drop hit my lip. right when that happened, i thought i heard some muffled laughter and my door shut, but i might not have, cuz i don't think anyone was upstairs at the time. i really don't know. i thought about it for a second, and realized what that person would've saw. my back would've been to them kinda on the edge of my chair, working pretty hard on something between my legs, i was grunting a little bit too. the picture on my computer of Cindy didn't make things any better. then, when the stuff popped open, they saw me lean back and let out a disgusted grunt that could easily be mistaken for an orgasm, and saw a short stream of white stuff come from my crotch area and go all over my computer, and then see me wipe it off my lip. it really didn't help that my fly happened to be open cuz i had just took a piss, and forgot to zip up. so they also woulda saw me zip my pants up right after the little mess was made. i just hope that i was imagining that someone was up there.  
  So, Annie and I drive back East from Colorado, and announce to her family that we want to get married. Like soon, before I have to get back to Lancaster University for my final year. Her mom is a hell of a businesswoman, and takes the whole thing in stride. She marshals her troops and assigns jobs right and left. She tells me to order a wedding cake, whatever I like (I went very traditional -- four tiers, with a bride 'n groom on the top. The sarcasm went unnoticed). Mom's talking with the tent people, and the caterers, when the 'phone rings. She hands it to me: "Deal with these guys." It's a lady from  The Long Island News And The Owl , a weekly social events paper. She wants the details of our wedding for a writeup. She: "And who is the best man?" Me: "Lynne Vinicombe. She's the only other person I know over here. She's an ex-lover of mine, but Annie approves." Harrumph. She: "Eh, and the Maid Of Honor?" Me: "Peter, the bride's brother. He volunteered because he's seen all these ads about 'always the bridesmaid - never the bride,' and he'd like to change that." Cough, cough. She: "Ahem, and what will the bride and groom be wearing?" Me: "I'll be wearing my sneakers, white jeans, and a white Indian top that her mother insisted on, after she saw the Hawaiian shirt I had planned. "The bride will be wearing white, of course, har-har, just a little white lie, I guess. It's a Mexican denim peasant dress." She hung up quickly. I read her account later in the paper. Except for the names, it bore no resemblance to the reality...  
  I woke up in the middle of the night and my fingers smelled like shit.    As evident by my throbbing bung-hole, I realized I was picking my ass in my sleep.    I was too tired to get up and wash up my hands, so I went back to sleep with the intention of keeping my fingers away from my nose and away from my white sheets.    Lowbrow, baby.  
  Just received anonymous email from some weenie upset at one of my postings. Let me ask you, was it your cat? your duct tape? your window? No? Then back the fuck off, Mother Teresa.   
  I had a boyfriend who became very into the whole bondage thing. All he wanted me to do, all the time, was tie him up,put a gag on him, smack his ass a while, and then jerk him off. He was especially insistent I wear lots of black leather or slinky vinyl.  I went along with it for a while, but eventually realized the only one really enjoying it was him.  One night, I tied him to the closet rod, shut the door, and went to the movies. He was still there when I got home, covering in sweat, tears, spooge, and shit.  The next day I packed up and left. I let him deal with cleaning up the apartment.  And I made sure all his friends heard about it.  One good thing I learned from all that: I can tie as good a knot as any sailor.  
  Holden Caulfield would have loved this site.    "When I was all set to go, when I had my bags and all, I stood for a while next to the stairs and took a last look down the goddamn corridor. I was sort of crying. I don't know why. I put my red hunting hat on, and turned the peak around to the back, the way I liked it, and then I yelled at the top of my goddamn voice, "Sleep tight, ya morons!" I'll bet I woke up every bastard on the whole floor. Then I got the hell out. Some stupid guy had thrown peanut shells all over the stairs, and I damn near broke my crazy nack."  C'mon, how lowbrow is  that ?  
  I find myself in the unfortunate position that some people think I drink a lot.   I don't. The relative volume of what I drink is far smaller than some ten pints a night cauliflower-eared lout for whom the highpoint of the evening is ordering an indigestable curry on the stagger home from the bar and tactically chundering on his shoes before he reaches his domicile so that there may be room in his stomach for said curry.  Quality, THAT'S the key.       ...for instance, I always miss my shoes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got a blowjob from a girl I met in a club last November. She wasn't particularly good-looking and it was not a great blowjob but she had a great ass and wore a small pair of red lacey knickers.  It's July now. I doubt she masturbates whilst thinking about me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I found a black leather thong in my dad's car.  He said it was a hat.  
  After coming to this site and becoming hopelessly addicted, I realized that I'd never had a single reason to stick someone's toothbrush up my ass.  I don't have a problem with my brother, and I'm more or less freeloading off my parents, so they're out.  I was starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me for not having had an instrument designed to clean one end sticking out the other.  (1/2 hour, 1 trip to Wal-Mart, $1.38 after tax, and 1 application of lube later...)  kinda tickles...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once my dad copper-plated a live roach using a homemade electrolysis setup.  Chemists + boredom = something dies  
  i'm making an origami penis!  right now!  
  I am baking soda in the refrigerator of life.       
  i have a really bad case of poison oak.  really really bad.  i've been to the hospital to get a shot for it, even.  right now it is in the healing stage where it swells, bubbles, emits a disgusting clear liquid and subsequently crusts over.  it isn't pretty.   i just tried to clean some of the crust off with a damp washcloth.  it didn't work.  now i am using tweezers to pick the cloth fibers out of the crusted goo.  i am nearly making myself vomit.  
   Living High Off The Hog  I'm just a penniless student, scrabbling to make ends meet. But, on the other hand, I'm in a really ritzy hotel in Silicon Valley, with flight, hotel, minibar, everything paid for by Hewlett-Packard. Neat company, but no way am I going to live in Silicon Valley, so I'm just there on a lark (I spent most of the time at a jazz festival in Big Sur). I call up the current Love Of My Life in Connecticut. She wants to come visit me in Ithaca, but can't get off for a week. I can't wait that long -- I haven't seen her, or touched her, or exchanged body fluids, in three months. Flying back, I get an idea. I ask the ticket clerk if I can change my destination to Hartford, CT. She looks at the ticket: "Yes, of course, but it will cost your company ... $891 extra." Me: "It's Hewlett-Packard. Trust me -- they're good for it..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         waking up at 6am on a camping trip to cameron telling me he is cold.  he is standing there barefoot, in the snow, wearing only boxers and long johns.  i guess the dramamine (take 12 of em at once, i dare ya) he took made him think he was at home (which would explain him yelling at me and calling me his lil brothers name all night) when in fact we were in the middle of nowhere.  from what he can recollect, he walked around his house, took his pills, and went to bed.  what really happened is he took a buncha junk from our bags(knives, lighters, ect.), and alotta his stuff, and proceeded to scatter it across a snow covered field.  he then stripped off his clothes and shoes, took another 12 dramamine (he thought they were his anti-depressents) and rolled around in snowy fields thinking it was his bed. all the while grabbing bushes thinking they were his blankets and cutting the fuck out of his hands in doing so.  it was prob 20-30 degrees out, snow on the ground, wind blowing in some pretty decent sized gusts. less then ideal camping conditions.  he lucked out with only minor frostbite.  and why didnt paul and i do anything to help him?  we had our own problems with the people stealing our cars and the fields full of people staring at us and ofcourse the mountain coming at me...  what did we learn from this experiance?  next time we take damamine and go camping, one of us either stays sober to babysit the others, or we all handcuff ourselves to trees.   
  As I watched the download status bar, I thought, "Hey, seventy-four percent looks like quite a bit!"  Then my years in college looked a little brighter in hindsight.  
  I enjoy masturbating to some really nasty porn with my high-speed internet. My desk is butted up back-to-back with my roommate. We can't see each other.  I can hear him snorting heroin while I'm beating it. We both think we're getting over on each other. I wonder which of us is sketchier.  
  a few years ago i was in a convienience store with my pal dave.  it was well after midnite and god knows what we were looking for.  i was walking down the aisle and he was behind me.  i heard him laugh and say, "heh, i've had a few of these in my time".  i turned and he was holding up a bag of Baked Lays.  
  You know those toilet seat cover dispensers that hang on the wall in public bathrooms? Once, I saw "Free Cowboy Hats" written on one of those.  That's the funniest thing in the entire history of the world.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I came home last night drunk and frustrated.  Whilst emptying my bladder I decided, for some reason, to vent my frustration by chewing on a can of deodorant.  I bit into the top which sprayed a large quantity into my mouth.  I stood there for a moment considering my stupidity. Then I was sick.  
  It's 1983 I'm 10 and really want a pair of stylish "Pumps" But instead of pleading loudly for "Pumps" I scream to my frustrated mom" But Mom I really want a pair of "Pimps!!""  
  holes in the wall from nails and staples and thumb-tacks.  used toothpaste to cover the hole.  toothpaste wasn't white, but red and blue too.  back to the drawing board.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I got to college, I had only gotten drunk once before in my life, and that was 2.5 years earlier. So the first time I got drunk in college, it was a pretty pathetic sight. I drank 2 cans of Beast and was no longer able to stand up. So I sat on the floor and told everyone that walked by me that "I can't feel my legs!" The saddest part is that I weighted a good 240 pounds at that time. Can you say lightweight? It was a good two years before my friends stopped making fun of me for that night.  
  It's funny, you know.    That of all the people I could be friends with, I choose the ones that would scare my mother the most.    Dreads. Ilicit drug use. Piercings. Bad driving. Green hair. Loose sex. Life's failures.   And I'm sure they put the toilet roll in the holder the wrong way round, too.  I'm sorry, mom.  
  When I was 16 and working at Taco Bell I put both feet in my mouth.  Only about 2 weeks into the job I was hanging out with a co-worker.  We were going to get some fireworks or something and he said he had to get back soon to cover Shannon's shift.  Still new, I did not immeidately recall who "Shannon" was.  Then it came to me! She was a very large woman who also worked there. "Oh! Shannon's that big fat cow right!?" I said.  "Yeah." he replied, "That big fat cow happens to be my mom."  I'm still pulling toe-jam out of my teeth to this day.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         " Can  you drive a stick, sweetie?" the used car salesman inquired oh-so solicitously.  "I prefer manual transmission," I replied.  Apoplectically: "You're the  one !  You've got to see this car!"  Then confidentially:  "This is the car I'd be buying myself if I didn't have to pay the kid's tuition every month."    He walked over to a little red Honda, gesturing and excited.  "This car is the cat's ass!"      &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I once poked a girls nipples for a ice cream cone. No Ice cream for me, just a swift kung fu kick to my crotch  
  EatinTea: There was this guy with a weird medical condition EatinTea: he had a horrible case of hemmorhoids EatinTea: so bad they were like flagella of the anus Leados: uhuh. EatinTea: but the weird part was that they had enough muscle tissue so that he could wave them around EatinTea: his name? EatinTea: "OCTO-ASS" EatinTea: OCTO-ASS versus the Amazing Rando!! Leados: where do you come up with this... this, SHIT? Leados: RANDO! EatinTea: OCTO-ASS is my alter ego... I am a supervillian Leados: I am a supersomething. EatinTea: supervillian Leados: i'm superfluous EatinTea: OCTO-ASS and Leados  the Deathmaker EatinTea: I have Hemmorhoids of FURY Leados: vanquishing the world of the trash of the earth!  
  Grandma's funeral--already grim. In the middle of Jersey in February, I feel like i'm on top of Everest. All of us shovel a little bit of dirt in the grave, and upon my turn, I get a good bit of dirt, and when I fling it in the grave, my purse flies in with it--10 ft into the grave. Shit. We all looked down the vault and stared at eadchother. Fuck me.  
  my roommate and her boyfriend are asleep in her bed.   (actually, he's not her boyfriend. it's at that weird stage, where they just kinda look at each other real goofy, make out a lot, and insist that they're TAKING IT SLOW and don't want to MOVE TOO FAST. whatever.) anyways, she must be one hell of a deep sleeper.  he has snored, non-stop, for an hour and a half, and farted twice in the last ten minutes.  loud snores, even louder farts. they weren't "i'm asleep and can't help myself" farts either. he has actually stopped snoring, woke up enough to let one rip, and rolled back over.  twice.  he's about to do it again..........did he just wave his hand to blow it around?i hate dorm life.  god, i'm tired.  
  my friend, her Canadian roommate, and her roommate's boyfriend were all sitting round watching the "new" Star Search. "Hey, isn't that Arsenio Hall?" asked my friend, referring to the show's host. "Yeah," says the boyfriend. "Is it?  Where's that at?" asks the roommate. And she wonders why we make fun of Canada so much.  
  My first encounter with pornographic material was in my neighbor's treehouse reading an erotic novel about Thomas Jefferson diddling his slaves.  It had a caricture of him bending Sally Hemings over in the barn.  I remember being vaguely disappointed.    
  In high school, my friends and I would go around town terrorizing people with a water balloon launcher.  We'd wait 'til movies let out and one time even called a bar, claiming to live across the street, telling them someone was breaking into one of the cars in the lot. They'd come out to check and we'd let 'em have it.  I was innocent fun and no one got hurt, which was what the early 90's were all about, right?  One day we set up at the mall. Parts of it were still under construction, so there was a huge pile of pipes to hide behind across the parking lot from one of the main entrances. We spotted a guy with his girlfriend approaching the door and we let one fly.  We were easily seventy-five yards from these two and the balloon hit the guy in the back right between his shoulders.  He stumbled forward a few steps and could not figure out what had just happened. We were so proud of ourselves, we ditched the launcher and ran into the mall after him.  It's possible that event changed his life forever. I know it changed mine.  
  reading about the guy with the alcoholic pet cockroach made me think about my 3rd cousin who had a dollhouse full of roaches. she named them after various sitcom and cartoon characters. i have vague memories of squashing the entire brady bunch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Okay, so I finished washing my face with the cloth, messed my hair up a bit, and took out my contacts. I squeezed a bit of toothpaste onto my toothbrush, and started to brush my teeth.   My lowbrow moment was the instant that I realized I was brushing my teeth with extra-strength Clearisil.  Fuck.  
  I'm in the shitter in the dorms, and the guy in the next stall over is grunting and squirting and I can hear stuff fall out of him and splash in the water.  All the trappings of exuberant droppings.  That's fine.  It's not like I've never done the same myself.  I've had my fair variety of shit.  I'm not embarassed by the noises.    ...But I hope he doesn't finish the same time I do, because I couldn't bear it if I had a face to associate with those noises.  
  When I was 11 I found my Dad's Playboy stash.  The next day, I stole all of my sister's barbies and drew pubic hair and nipples on them with a permanent marker.  Anatomically correct, indeed.  
  So when the tornado came roaring out of the south and made most of my neighborhood a splintered war zone,   and missed my apartment full of non-insured belongings by maybe 200 yards,  all i could do is gripe that it didn't flatten the Wal-Mart down the way.  Evil capitalist rednecks.      
  I walk alone in the school hallways.  I sit alone in the cafeteria.  I have always wondered why I never fit in.  finally.  a savior.  The hottest chick I've ever seen appraoches me, and asks if I was doing anything tonight...  "No I cant, I just drew a nakid picture of Lara Croft which I plan to masturbate too."   Yes, I'm a Nintendork.      
  sighn read in a cafe: the desert greens cafe whole heartedly supports the arizona dimondbacks, now that they are winning.  
     I didn't get any play in high-school.  Too ugly, poor dresser, incapable of conversation... all of the above.  I dropped my books all over the most-used intersection in the school, and the object of all my lust stopped to help me pick them up.    She, of course, was wearing her usual low-cut, loose-fitting shirt, and I got a magnificent look as she was leaned down in front of me.  She stood up, handed me the stack she had collected, and out of my pie-hole comes "Nice cleavage!"  The world stood still in one panic filled moment... everyone near turned to stop and stare.  She replied with an incredulous look, "I was just trying to be NICE" and never talked to me again.  
  my best friend related "the talk" he had with his dad while we were in high school.  his advice was, "son, no matter what you see in those movies, chicks don't like all that butt-screwing."  
  last year i remember asking the corner store attendent for matches. he asks to see my ID because it's illegal for children under 18 to smoke. i said to him, "I don't wanna smoke nothing. i just wanna burn things."  I was promptly asked to leave.  
  Have you ever been to strip club while tripping. After 4 purple mikes the naked female body will scare the shit out of you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My ex told me, "If she smokes, she fucks. Only one reason to date a smoker." He'd evidently forgotten that I used to smoke, and he used to fuck me.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sixth grade and I have an enormous crush on my teacher. I also happen to have the sinus cold from hell. The teacher is at the blackboard in the middle of a mathematics drill, when I feel the Mother Of All Sneezes coming on. I go running to the front of the classroom because that's where her desk is, and on her desk is the box of tissues. She looks at me and asks why I'm out of my seat. Before I can answer, the sneeze overwhelms me:  AHHHHH-CHOOO!!!!!!  SPLAT!!! A huge-assed lime green snot, the size of a quarter, splats the tile less than an inch from her foot. She gave me a look of revulsion that I will never forget. Fuck... I'm scarred for life.  
  a bunch of my friends have boycotted underwear, and i had gone commando only when necessary (you know, with a skirt that goes really low in the back or something) but if you try it with jeans, it's habit forming.  
  i can't understand how does a kid masturbates with an american pie.  once a friend of mine recieved a package from someone. as if it was not that heavy and didn't make any noisy while shaking it, he threw it to the kitchen's ground. later, when he opened the package, there were shredding pieces of what was supposed to be a watch *expensive one* and a sheet that said "warning, fragile content inside".  dumbness.  
  Today I ate corned beef and mustard sandwiches with my girlfriend.  While we were eating, I noticed a huge gob of mustard on the side of her face.  Not only did I notice, but several other people did too and were smirking and laughing at this.  They all kept flashing me looks, liek I should be the one to tell/whipe/clean it off her.  Instead, I just watched and laughed.       
  Religion is like mastrubation, neither should be practiced in public.  
   my friend is pregnant and can no longer tie her shoes i look at mine boy i'm glad i can tie my shoes       
  the world is a vampire  and i am all neck         
  My great software company just laid me off, after fifteen months of me disabled, and them paying my $600+ monthly medical insurance without bitching. Great company. But I was late for the meeting, because I spent an hour crawling around the floor looking for spare change, then drove to a gas station, put exactly 71 cents of gas in, and got there 20 minutes late. After he laid me off (which was a surprise to me), my manager asked if I had any more questions. Me: "Just one: Can I bum $1 for gas so I can get home?" He and the accountant laughed. I didn't, and kept looking at him. He finally realized I was serious. He handed me $1, looking pissed. Americans sure take their money seriously...  
  I saw a t-shirt today that on the front said, "On the back of this shirt are two people fucking..." on the back was a picture of Jesus holding a cross stating,  "Just kidding...believe in Jesus"  I'm so proud to be human :)  
  A friend of mine was wasted and had really bad gas that day. He said, "man, I feel like I just shit myself with that one." Then he took his right index finger and checked. He is now known as dipstick from now on.  
  After reading this stuff for an hour, I'm glad my drinking days are behind me.  Pathetic, you say?  Just wait until you're old and realize the people writing here are some of the best and brightest,  Now THAT's pathetic  
  Why do I keep my 3 cats?  I might as well put a box of shit in the corner of the room and throw away  50 every month.  
  A friend of mine nearly got suspeneded from school and kicked out of two computer classes for looking at 'innnapropreate' websites at school.  What web site, you ask?  Thank you LowBrow.com...  
  Am I in love, or just addicted to the attention? Does it matter?  
  I have absolutely no life. It's very hot beach weather and  I've been home all day now my mama tells me she's going to kmart and i invite myself along...         
   Walking down 57th Street the construction workers lined the side of the building. "Hey, Hey Six" they shouted refering to the # on the back of my t-shirt.  "Hey six. Hey baby. Can I be your nine".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         New York City is the best city in the world. We've got the craziest shit you'd ever want to buy.  And you walk everywhere. Which sucks in the winter, but... ah, in the summer. The women. Wearing summer clothes. It's heaven.  And I have a friend who's co-owner of his own bar! Free booze!  And I can walk to the bagel shop to have fresh, delicious bagels in the morning. Unless I'm too fucking lazy.  And I still find wonderful, little hole-in-the-wall shops every time I go downtown. Where you can buy that craziest shit I was talking about before.  Also, there's plenty of room in the basement of my apartment complex for chaining up and torturing midgets.    
  Her, "Mobile Home" Him, " Trailer !" "Mobile! Home!" "IT'S A FUCKING TRAILER! WE LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRAILAH  OK ?!?" Nothing to fight about today guys?  
  It was the last, very last day of school at our highschool. I was sitting there with some friends, talking about the usual unimportant crap, evaluating our shitty courses we took for all those years. The topic was 'what teacher is the biggest asshole'.   I said the name of a teacher, and added something along the line of 'he is undoubtetly the biggest mother fucker ever employed by this school'.   The kid in front of suddenly turned white, and his expression turned to pure awe. Then it hit me. The named teacher was standing three feet behind me. He had obviously heard what i said.  I still feel bad for him this very day...  Now i'm not sure wether i turned around to look at the guy's face, but in my memories i see his face in the state of pure disappointment.. I'm scarred forever.  
  we had sex in his truck because it was closer than my house, which was like 30 feet away, but my friends were over and being raucuous so we did it in the truck. not only was i very drunk. not only did the condom break, resulting in a frantic ingestion of the morning-after pill (which for some reason made me high), but i contemplated explaining to my doctor that, "see, i just had to fuck in a truck. cause it rhymes." then i took a shower. in which there was a small rubber duck. at least i didn't get stuck.  
  I heard somewhere that a hairy chest is sexy, a real turn-on. Nothing more macho and manly than a human hair sweater. FACT It is statistically and genetically unlikely that anyone with a hairy chest does not also have a hairy back. FACT Nobody likes a hairy back. Period. FACT Nobody will suck your nipples if there is hair coming out of them, with the possible exception of some 'Browers. FACT The Sexy Macho Look was no doubt a fallacy concocted by some furball male like myself. Much like the "Bald Men Are Sexy" lie. FACT Most women prefer I keep my shirt on at all times. Even (especially) when I'm hot. Damn. Why do I have pubes growing out of my neck? Is this a sign of virility or evolutionary regression?  
  i have found that you can frame any sentence with "goddamn" and "shit."  try it out.  goddamn, these eggs are good, shit!  goddamn, what time is it, shit!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fourteen years on the same job. Only missed work two or three times. Hardly ever late.  I was late today.  Thanks alot, lowbrow!    
  Years ago I was working a summer job in an ice cream stand, with two female coworkers. One of them (let's call her Lisa) and I were having a water-gun fight with those little plastic water pistols in the back of the stand. Then we start throwing sponges and cups of water, and it's getting everywhere. Meanwhile, the other (we'll call her Jen) was tending the counter. As Lisa and I continue our little aquatic war, Jen starts talking to one of the customers, a boy she knows from school. There aren't any other customers, so they have a _long_ conversation. Once he leaves, she heaves a long sigh and turns around to face Lisa and me, who have just calmed down. There is water everywhere. Jen looks down at herself and muses,    "Why am I _so_ _wet_?"    I don't think I've ever seen someone turn quite that shade of red before.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After 4 years at an elite college and several more years of soul searching, I've come to the conclusion that there truly isn't anything unfunny about the word "scrotum."  
  If I play hookie from work on a Monday, I say that I have diarrea.  I always picture my boss thinking "well that's embrarrasing, I guess he didn't make that one up."   It reminds of when I would be scolded by a teacher in grammar school.  I would intentionally pick my nose in front of the berating bitch just to gross her out and make her stop.  
  "why can't you keep a man?" asked blonde. "i introduce you to nice guys and you dump them."  red looked indignant. "when you set me up with Rico, you didn't tell me the boy had no teeth!"   now blonde looked equally indignant. "He had a tooth!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  My genuinely amusing pal Andy proposed this clarifying nugget to me:  Why ask why when we have guns?        
  I think there's nothing wrong with seventy year old women doing porn. Y'know, suckin' schlongs and spreadin' it wide. Pretty cool stuff. Keep on gummin'.  
  I met her at a party; she was 5  11 , and had a body to die for. She said it was her  big  birthday in two weeks. I told her to celebrate it with me and she agreed. I paid for the ticket to my house that weekend. After fucking like mink for a week, she told me the truth in bed one night.  Not even considering the legal ratifications of this endeavour, all that went through my head was  Just how much fucking milk did this girl drink?   
  It is my first full day of living at college.  I am sitting in front of the computer, my roommate is right next to me sitting in front of hers.  I have known her for less than a day, and she appears to be a very nice person.  Of course we haven't talked much.  Pretty much just the bear minimum...you know like "Hi, how are you?"  "Do you know where the laundry room is?"  "My books cost a lot, how much were yours?"  That sort of thing.  I sincerely hope that things stay this good, and get better.  She has an electric toothbrush, and my asshole really isn't looking forward to  that .  
  So I was waiting at the bus stop sitting next to this funny looking girl. She was about 17 with a very large forehead and sort of misshapen head in general. She has an open backpack full of books from some high school so I assume she is just 'funny looking' but then again that forehead is massive...As I am contemplating if she is retarded or not someone from a moving car yells out "HEY 'TARD!!!" and throws a paper bag with something obviously in it. I'm thinking well she must be then and wait for her reaction. She looks at me and says, "That was just these dumb guys!" and proceeds to get what I now think is her lunch or something. She opens the bag and pulls out a salad sandwich and examines it, smiles and reaches in also pulling out a pear, a granola bar, and a muffin she gathers it all up and then she puts it pack. She then looks at me and says, "This is cool, really cool!" I say, "Mom packed a good lunch?" She says, "No usually those guys throw me a ham or beef or chicken sandwich but I'm vegetarian!" Before I can ask her any more questions my bus pulls up and I get on, sitting down and still staring at this girl wondering...what the fuck?  
  No one could figure out why my Univ football team (huge well known school) was so pathetic. After all, the Univ and alumni spent a tons of money on practice fields, recruitment and scholarships for all of the huge neandrathal-like, steroid pumped, tobacco-chewing behemoths. Did I care? No. I was just an ordinary guy with a taste for killer weed.  One might ask: "What do these two things have in common?    As it happened, these football players would get so excited and worked up before the big games on Saturday that they couldn't sleep friday night. So they came so see me to sort them out, for it became known that the shit was magic. First one. Then another. Then probably half of the team. In my estimation, this shit was so kickin' that motor-skills would remain impaired for 24 hours. Mystery solved in case all of you alumni (and coaches) were wondering.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I picked her up and brought her home. She was a friends ex and I knew that she had never put out for him. I screwed her six ways from Sunday, but the whole time I was wondering, how much I should tell my friend and why she had insisted on showering before we had sex.  I saw her on the bus the other week, but I didn't ask.  I just gave her one of those weak smiles, I'm not half as charming on a bus  I hate public transport.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         floating around in space and insignificance  should make us understand that that we have better things to do than bash each other  but the thing that kills me is we are willing to bash each other over religion jeez lawheez we really havent wandered too far from the caves have we         
  So I say "low sperm count means more lovin without a bun in the oven" she say's "hmmm" so I'm thinkin I gotta chance here...  
  Having just gotten "the call," I made sure the envelope was well sealed and well concealed, stepped out of my office, walked past the receptionist, through the double doors of my law firm, and took the elevator down 25 floors to the lobby.  Outside, in a black sedan pulled up to the yellow loading zone curb, he was waiting.  I opened the passenger-side door, sat down, and slid the envelope across the center console.  Taking mine, he produced an envelope of his own, and handed it to me.  A couple of pleasantries were exchanged, small talk and the like, and I exited the car, tucking the new envelope into my coat pocket.  I took the elevator back up to the 25th floor, walked through the double doors, greeted the receptionist, went into my office and closed the door, peeking into the cash-stuffed envelope with a small tinge of excitement and satisfaction.  Trade secret misappropriation?  Jury-tampering?  Breaching clients' trust?  Nope.  Just selling my brother some weed.  
  I've come to the conclusion that, despite all my efforts, masturbating will not make my penis bigger.  Live and learn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On the way home after a particularly heavy night of drinking I was telling my friend what I thought of a girl I knew and how much I wanted to fuck her friends.  Unbeknownst to me my mobile phone, whilst in my pocket, had managed to call her number (why her out of the 50 entries in the phone book I do not know) and my entire conversation was recorded onto her answerphone for her to review at her leisure.  Ooooooops.  
  You know that famous picture from the Viet Nam war   the one where the Saigon police chief is holding the gun to the Viet Cong sabatouer's head about to cap him?  You know what happened to that guy (the one with the gun)?  He ended up owning a restaurant in Maryland outside D.C.  It's true, my father met him.  More wierdness.  
   When exchanging pics with someone you've been chatting up online, it's a VERY bad sign when he sends you a picture of himself with a tv playing professional wrestling in the backgroud.  
  The beer from the bar was stale from the delivery lines or the patrons lack of good taste.  They tipped the glasswhen they filled it as though it would foam over the top.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Back when I lived in Ithaca I worked at a plant and me and my friends spent all our time going out to bars at night and boozing, trying to get girls. None of us were particularly successful in this regard but we doggedly kept on, trying every new tactic we could think of. Also working at the plant was a guy with Down Syndrome named Smitty. He was a retard, sure, but he was a pretty cool guy, and sat with us at lunch, and we  invited him out drinking with us one night. Anyways as it turns out Smitty was a chick magnet. Seems that when girls see a retarded guy they get that maternal Florence Nightingale instinct, and it just leaves them open for the attack. So in short order we were taking Smitty out with us everytime we went pubcrawling. We would send him over by a hot girls table, he would fall over, all the girls would run to help him, surround him and just being their caring nurturing selves...thats when we would move in for the kill, while they were vulnerable, and hell yeah it worked.  This went on for several happy weeks. But one fateful night Smitty got an idea. He realized that every time we got girls, he was the one who first talked to the girls. The girls always would pay so much attention to him. He was the real stud of the group. And he thinks to himself, "Hey, I don't need these guys." That night when we asked him what bar to hit he said "Sorry guys...I'm flying solo tonight." We were shocked and asked him several times if he was sure, but he was very insistent. Off he went. Anyways we had a normal, disappointing night after he left, went home, everything was rather lame. But the next Monday he wasn't there at work. Nor was he on Tuesday. We called the place we thought he lived but the number was disconnected. Even talked to the cops and tried to file a missing persons report.  None of us ever saw Smitty again. We don't know what happened to him that fateful night, or where he went, or just what he was thinking. But ever since then and to this day, whenever I drink...I knock back one for Smitty. I ask all of you who read this story, and tell it to your friends, to when you drink...drink one for Smitty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One Fourth of July here in the states, a couple of friends and I decide to make our own fireworks. We take apart half of our fireworks (we each owned about $100 worth) and pour them into paper cups. We all decide that we want to make fountains (this was all before our destructive stage). But not just any fountains, no no...  we want fountains that spray sparklies 20 feet high.  So off we go to my friend's dad's workshop, cut a copper pipe into thirds, and clamp off one end of each. We each take the powder from the paper cups and pour them into the copper tubes. Through our extensive knowledge of physics (at age 15) we agree that clamping off the other end of the tube and leaving just enough space to drop in a fuse will send the sparks flying.  The big moment came. Time to see how high these things will spray!  The final result:  3 temporarily deaf fifteen yr old physicists lying on thier backs, 2 terrified parents, and 1 three foot hole in the ground...  
   Meeting Ithaca women through the personals Sue 3rd   Aaah, Sue 3rd.  Witty as hell, articulate, slim and beautiful.  She: "I get pissed off at gays sometimes.  Why do they have to be so  specific  about their sexual preferences? After all, I don't describe myself as a "missionary positionist."  I offered to make dinner for her and her two kids. She gratefully accepted...  ...but didn't bother to mention that they were Vegans.  We slept together that night. She told me that she was a "recovered memory" incest survivor.  I thought I'd better go easy, so I happily licked her into a coma, then I  wrapped her in my arms, loving her wonderful soft presence, and started to drift off into dreamland.  She folded her knee up between us, saying: "I always sleep this way."  In the morning, she got up and immediately started talking on the phone with a friend.  An hour and a half later, with her still on the phone, I stole her panties and left.  
  We were so poor when I was a kid that my brother put garter snakes in a Prince Albert can, and that was our daily entertainment...watching them wiggle.  
  (I'm not into hookers or public ogling. Just doesn't get me on.)  End of a long work contract. I need a beer. I walk into a bar, put down $10.  I glance over at the stage.  Some topless, sad, phony blonde is listlessly humping a handrail.  I look around: guys are pretending the expressions they see in porno films -- the expressions that somehow must indicate they're enjoying themselves  Slightly worried, I glance down.  A really pretty, mostly-naked young girl smiles up and says "Hi!"  She pushes her brand-new, pink little button-nipples up into my field of view.  I really want to take her away from here. Buy her a hamburger. Talk.  But mostly, I realise that I'm not getting any change for my $10, am I?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I lived in the country for a few years.  My family did not own a farm nor own any farm animals. One Winter night after the bar, I got a ride home with a friend.  Standing at the end of my driveway was a pig.  A big pig. It wouldn't move for the truck.  I had an idea:  I'll get out and move it.  It wouldn't even move for me.  Next thing you know, I've got my pecker out and I'm pissing on the pigs back.  With steam rolling off its back, the pig left my driveway.  
        The smell of mens toilet in the pub where we go drinking reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.     I really gotta stop drinking.  
  Since moving away from El Paso, Texas, I desperately miss Whataburgers and Pancho's All-You-Can-Eat Mexican Buffets.  Finding the Love Of My Life here has only partially eased the longing.  
  I'm 24. My stupid brother knocks up his girlfriend sophmore year in college. They decide to get married, want me to be best man. I put off getting fitted for the tux. I mean really, like it's some fuking honor for me to spend $100 to rent some stupid outfit for his stupid wedding cause he impregnated his stupid girlfriend. Dad calling, gotta get fitted...blah, blah....OK. Fine.  It's summer time, I don't wear underwear in the summer. It's a small shop, I show up 30 minutes before closing. A very attractive woman, girl? I don't know maybe 18, 19, hands me the tux. In the dressing room, I realize, no undies, slightly self conscious....start fantasizing about banging this chick....get so absorbed in this fantasy, that when I come out of the dressing room, I fail to realize that I've forgotten to zip......I'm looking straight ahead, obeying her commands, still unaware, that the tip of my dick is peeking through. What's this about? she says, pointing. I look down, and realize, and turn as red as a person can. She thought it was so cute. We had sex in the dressing room. Makes my brother not look so stupid afterall.  
  at a co-worker's party in a small crowded house, everyone on their way to being drunk. my husband was afraid to use the only bathroom in fear of everyone smelling his massive crap he was about to take. He left to use the hotel's restroom, i told him i'd cover for him.  "Uh, he went to get beer." He did come back with beer, but i told everyone at work the following monday. i really suck.  
  once after leaving a 2600 meeting at embarcadero 1 in SF I took a lot of norries and probably some cross tops and I don't remember it but everybody says I got into a physical altercation with a bag lady on the way back to the transbay terminal.  Inter-scourge conflict.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am a chick.  A heterosexual chick.  I keep having these dreams where I'm the male hero of a fairy-tale.  Saving the princess and admiring my built bod.  
  So we're sitting in Tobin's Pizza at ISU eating a shrimp pizza.  My friend and his girl friend, and he's relating a lowbrow moment of his involving extinguishing a valentines fire with his pants. Anyway I thought this was hillarous and laughed so hard I fell of my chair twice laughing at him.  I sat up trying to regain my composure when I started laughing hard again I couldn't breath, this triggered a cough which lead to me feeling this gagging sensation in my throat.  I'm thinking oh shit I'm gonna throw up. So I jump up and bolt for the bathroom coughing again getting a little bit in my mouth.  I see a guy going into the one person Mens Room and I look at him like "please don't close that door" but he does.  Leaving me standing there thinking.. "ok.. ok.. I can hold it.. " . . . "fuck no I can't" so I bolt into the Womens Room.  It's empty, and the lights are out, but I don't have time for lights right now so going from memory of what I saw from the light coming in from the door when I ran in, I aim for the toilet and throw up hard, like out my nose and eyes shit.. ok, just the nose and mouth but still.  Then I find the light switch and lock the door and try to clean myself up and, well... the places I missed the toilet.  Then I come back out and my friends are laughing almost as hard as I was.  So I sit down and say, "Remember the time we went to Tobins and I laughed so hard I puked?" I was kinda hoping I could get them to laugh that hard so they would puke too.   But that didn't work so we headed out to the car and got in and my friend looks in his rear view mirror at me and starts laughing, which makes me laugh, which makes his girl friend laugh, and then I'm laughing hard and I cough again.. Oh shit.. So I open the door and lean out and puke the rest of the contents of my stomach onto the parking lot which only makes my friends laugh at me more.   I get home trying to get the taste out of my mouth and blow my nose to get rid of the burn.  There is nothing like blowing chunks of shrimp out of your nose, or for the next half hour hacking up bits of phlem covered shrimp...  Oh what a night.  
  One of the lawyers at my wife's office is a real prick. She was working late one night, so I kept her company. Sneaked into the guys office and put each one of his pens in my sweaty buttcrack and walked around for a half hour.  He chews on his pens while he's on the phone.  
  Meeting Boston women through the personals.   (sorry_e_e has no doubt already nodded in agreement and hit reload, but for the rest of you, I'll continue)   The last six were all either lawyers or doctors. Very diverse, interesting group, with only one thing in common:  They would go to  any  length to avoid paying their share. After one hid in the bathroom, I started to get pissed.  The next one burst out crying, hurt that I so obviously didn't like her enough to pay.   Me: "How about we toss for it? If you win, I'll pay. If I win, we'll split it."  She: sob, sniffle...  I tossed anyway, lost.  Me: "Oh well, I lost."  She: "Oh, no -- I think you just won..."  (No thanks. I don't put out on a first date.)  The last one snuck out the door with her coat on, stood waiting for me.  I paid my share of the bill and left a note for the waiter giving her name, address, and phone number.  (Some of you will doubtless think that the  real  lowbrow moment here is that it took six to teach me.)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Thank GOD James was a security guard.  There is a little raggedy pool hall right down the road from me. It is frequented by rednecks, immigrant workers, and trailer chicks.  There is a small group of immigrants who have become pretty good pool sharks, and decided they were gonna run their game on me and James.   We won the first couple of games, and a small amount of money. Nothing big. Before I knew it, the pot had grown to a sizeable amount. Somewhere in the $1000 range. It was my shot, and the immigrants left me with NO shot.  God's light shone down upon me and the ball drropped, right where I needed it.  I reached over to grab the money, only to hear the sound of a knife opening in the corner. Apparently, God's light was turrned off now.  I looked up to see one of the Mexicans pointing a very large knife speaking softly in Spanish. Not being a Spanish speaking person, I figured it to mean "You have really pissed me off".  James pulls out his wallet, flashes his security badge, and yells "INS...I want to see some green cards NOW!!!!"  It got real quiet, and the one with the knife slinked back into the corner he came from. Several apologies were passed our way, and they scurried out of the hall.   I really think James saved my life that night.   I bought him a beer out of gratitude.    
  Hmmmm.......  A cat doing it doggie style......  Oxymoron?  Shouldn't it be kitty style......  Growl.  
  The lowbrow moment isn't that I haven't had a relationship in well over a year.   The lowbrow moment isn't even that I haven't had sex in well over a year.   The lowbrow moment is, that if I continue on this lovely streak I have, HE'LL be the last person I ever have sex with.     
  I went to the fine arts theatre, (spelled with the English "re" too), paid 7-9 dollars for a movie. that is 3-5 dollars more than what one should pay in Kansas City. being a human, i had to pee. so i went to the restroom, and looked straight ahead. i saw a sticker on the urinal. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM EATING THE URINAL BISCUITS a urinal biscuit (for girls who have never peed in a urinal) is a small cake of chemicals that smell, despite being pissed on day in and out. so, was there a problem with the urinal biscuits being eaten, to facilitate the need to put the sticker on? or were they just being cautious? either way, gross  
  Millie wanted to abash her classmate Sarah, who had recently bragged about getting straight A's in math. Millie told everyone that Sarah wore dirty underwear.        
  I have just felt the hand of something higher and other-worldly.  And Nothing is greater than this,I just sat on the toilet seat and simultaneously fart, piss, and shit while cleaning my ear with a cotton swab.   The ecstasy that I have just experienced can only be compared to going to heaven and smiling to God's face and then to have him smile back and say...   "You, of all my glorious creations are my best."  -Matt  
  I saw a dollar bill on the sidewalk.  I picked it up and said nothing about it, just as the young child turned around for it.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving home, rather drunk at the time, and decided to get some late dinner. After getting food from Burger King, I decided to drive home. Well right as I pulled in, my onion rings spilled onto the muddy, liqour soaked floor of my car. My eyes looked down and I swear a tear formed. After checking no one was looking, I laid carefully across the seats, and proceeded to eat the rings that escaped..Needless to say, they were still good.  
  one of the quirks of animae humanus that i love the most is this when a person perceives that their life really sux some will complain whine and bitch as if that will attracted hordes of loved ones to their side and when that doesnt work they threaten to snuff themselves some do it subversively or  pseudo in cognito and think they are playing it as cool as penquins but the flaw is since theyve already alienated anyone who would give a shit about them nobody notices basically calling the bluff and then  they wallow ever further down the spiral of depression to lame to like life and make it work to lame to be bold and off themselves and we wonder why people are poppin prozac like pez  moral of this self righteous drivel hold a loaded point three five seven to the temple and for once in your fucking life think about it about it all and if you are too lame to come up with a good reason  without an emotional response to supposed ills done to you or fuck ups or anything else a clear assessment if you cant squeeze away  worked for me ill kill every last one of you motherfuckers before i snuff myself  granted not the most orthodox method and i know this is uncharectoristically long but for crissakes shit or get off the pot  playing virtual russian roulette is for losers        
  Every time I take a shit, I have to piss like a race horse about 10 minutes later.  I am considering just waiting around the extra 10 minutes after I am done to avoid the second trip to the head.  
  I'm multitasking at work right now.  I scanning the brow in one window & rating Danish chicks at Hotornot.de at the same time.  No wonder our economy sucks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The lil' boy had a tantrum in Rite Aid.  His mother pulled the Star Wars action figurine from the boys grip, and he sobbed silently asking, "Puh-leeeeeeez, mom".  The  mother replied, "I can't afford it now...maybe in a few weeks."  I pulled the woman aside and whispered to her asking if I may purchase the Star Wars action figure for the boy.  She paused silently for a moment then replied hesitantly and puzzled, "yes".  I purchased the figure for the boy.  His smile was priceless.  Far more than the  $10 I had spent.  The mother and the boy thanked me.  I replied, "it was my pleasure".  I remember what it was like to desperately want that Star Wars action figure 20 years ago.   -Beatgrrrl      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         hint when its a bunch of guys drinking for sport its a kamikhazi when its a date at a nice restaurant its a cosmopolitan but kiss my ass if the effects arent the same           
  so a friend of mine said that england sucks because of the flat beer dunno tasting a pulled pint of esb in a post and beam farmhouse in the shadow of a castle built in the twelve hundreds seems to be a bit  better  than hanging with bawbby and tawmmy scanning fat asses in a pick up joint in summavul mass drinking a coors lite  just a bit        
  On the dancefloor in a club and a cute, slighly feisty looking girls starts dancing with me.  She grinds her ass right on my crotch, round and round and round. I don't want to seem too 'eager' so I am breaking a sweat just trying not to get a hard on.   She gets more and more into it, grinding harder and faster to the point where she is actually hurting me. I just grit my teeth and try to keep my dick under control.  She eventually stops and walks away. She must have thought I was impotent and given up. We never said a word to each other. If nothing else you have to admire my self control.  On the plus side I did cop a feel of her tits.  (I ended up having sex with a different girl that night, so it isn't all bad)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So one evening, me and RN decided to find us some gals after we had our weekly Italian meal in Portsmouth, VA. We had already drunk a split of Chianti when we headed for the bars that catered to sailors.  We walked in the first place and split up. RN found a passible-looking brunette within five minutes of walking in. I found a nice looking blonde on the other side of the room but she was alone. The brunette had a friend.   We hooked up with the brunette and her friend and left for their place.  We were service men in the strictest sense of the word and these women wanted to be serviced by men in blue.  Twenty minutes into fucking, RN's gal asks him if he'd like to switch because I had her friend moaning and groaning.    So RN says, "As soon as you get me off, you can sample my friend if that's O.K. with your friend."  And she says, "She's really not my friend. She's my mom and mom won't mind."              
  At a party one night, and as the intoxication gradually increased some of the tamer conversations turned more and more risque.  In a group of mostly females the conversation somehow turned to french kissing.  Did they like it, too much tongue, too much saliva, etc., etc.  Being the shy, quiet type, I didn't partake in the conversation much but was listening with great interest.  One of the women, in an attempt to embarass me somewhat, asked if I had ever french kissed my (then and only) ex-girlfriend.  I told her no, but that she had said I was an expert Spanish kisser.  She said she didn't know what Spanish kissing was.  I told her it's like French kissing but further south.  She quickly changed the subject.  But her friend flirted with me the rest of the night!  
  Dildos.....the wifes punishment for man  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i am seeing a girl that loves nothing more than to give me head and fuck me all night long.  she asks me if it is okay if she sucks my dick...she rips my clothes off all the time and has sex with me...i don't even have to ask.    yet i still want to date someone else....what is wrong with me?  
  Fat Tuesday, 2002  Asking someone from New Orleans why they aren't out enjoying Mardi Gras, is alot like asking a hooker how she likes to do it.  You would think the answer was obvious wouldn't you?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes, I get bored easily. This seems to happen when my ex signs onto AIM.  So, when I am really bored, I will message him and tell him I want to hook up with him again. He will get really excited and make many declarations of love. I tell him how much I miss him and how I never stopped loving him.  Then I tell him I have something important to tell him. Everytime, he will say "what?" And everytime, I tell him "You are a stupid sack of shit and I would never hook up with you again."  Then he signs off instantly.  Then I do it again next week.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         today, i posed as a young mormon girl and got this mormon guy from school to have cyber sex with me. it was fucking hilarious. later i talked to him and he was like "i feel so guilty" and i was laughing, i corrupted him, and i dont feel bad at all.  
   Those Pesky Pasts Come Back To Haunt Us  Joschka Fischer, the current German Foreign Minister, was recently embarrassed when a newspaper published a photograph of him at a Leftist riot in the 1970s, wearing a crash helmet and carrying a club, preparing to beat a policeman into a bloody pulp. He eventually publically apologized to the policeman, who is still somewhat disabled from the attack. He managed to keep his job, because he's become a bit more moderate in the meantime, and he's a really good foreign minister...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         on the boat, figured out that bottle caps, when thrown properly, will stick quite nicely to sweaty skin. but we needed a target... hence the game of nipple caps.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Tha spouse and I were driving somewhere when we pass this giant dead bloated beaver roadkill.  She was convinced that someone had lost a stuffed beaver out of the back of their truck...actually wanted to go back for it..."I'd LOVE a stuffed beaver".  Really happened.  
  Not my moment...  My friend Maria has this knack for killing rabbits. Almost every rabbit she's ever owned has died from "misterious causes." The last one died on a Sunday, so she called an emergency anmial hospital because our local vet wasn't open on Sundays. The woman on the other end of the line goes on and on about times and payment and legal things. Maria finally asks if they take rabbits and the woman says no, but gives her a number to a specialst that does. Maria calls this number. She gets a country radio station, and they're on the air.  
  If you are looking for the single person that embodies everything that is lowbrow, look no further than Dan Quayle.  " Dan Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."  Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's history" and added a confusing comment: "We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century." "  The fact that he held any control, in any country, is just sad.  I'm moving to Canada.  
  I used to work at a movie theater - I was "Head Usher", all this meant was that I stocked the concession stand when they were low and cleaned empty theaters. Over the radio I get a call that they were running low on butter. I send one of my lackeys to the back room and tell him to get the butter & fill up the butter machine...I go back to playing my game of "House of the Dead" in the theaters arcade. I died shortly thereafter and glanced acrosse the crowded lobby towards concession. To my horror I saw my lackey pouring popcorn oil into the butter machine...but what was I supposed to do....I only had 10 seconds to continue my game...I beat the game, so looking back I think I made the right decsion.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it's 1998  amsterdam got a room with a wall mounted tv in a too precious hotel i'm toasted to the point that autonomic reflexes cease being autonomic lowlands herbal gluttony, the 8th deadly sin the teletubbies come on they speak dutch it's the first time i've ever seen them the baby sun looks vedic and lovely the rabbits, the windmill, the monitors in their stomachs it's what dali wanted to be but never achieved i Funtlessly scour the room for the Candid Camera  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Video cameras are not as cool as you think... for example one night me and a bunch of friends decide to video ourselves smoking this FAT joint, about as big around as a quarter.  So the seven of us sit in this dome tent with the camera on the opposite side of the circle from the J, so you only could see who was currently smoking, and just hear everything else.  The next day Tom and I watched the tape...  We are the only two ever to do so...  Stoney ideas are great in the moment, but the harsh lens of the camera strips away all pretense...  Do we really sound like that when we're high?  
  My best friend (Terry) in high school dated this girl who was really cute - Carie.  After several months of going out, she wanted to have sex with him.  He wanted to wait.  She loved him, so she didn't pressure him.  I was dating the hottest girl in school - Sharon.  She was an abolute knock-out.  I wanted in her pants, but the most she would allow is my hand in her panties.  She was so totally hot that I decided she would be worth the wait.  Sharon and Carie were also best friends.  One night, Sharon was home sick, and my best friend was out of town for a funeral.  After the basketball game (we got beat), Carie asked if I wanted to go get something to eat and then go over to Sharon's to see how she was feeling.  I said "No.  What I really want to do is go parking."  She consented.  I popped her cherry, then we went to check on sharon.  Over the course of the next year, we fucked several times, and even a few times after we graduated.  We all eventually parted ways.  Sharon and I never fucked.  Sharon married a guy and lives in a trailer house and works at Wal-Mart.  Carie married a guy who wore cowboy boots with his tux -- the epitome of a loser.  Terry married a girl with great tits but is as ugly as a mud fence.  They were both virgins.  I have a great life, with a beautiful, educated woman, two beautiful children and a great executive job.  Go figure....  
  i told my parents that i was pissed they had me circumcised. they looked confused. what a fucked up society we live        
  I have to stop swearing so much.  As a cart-pusher, I tend to get very irate about this one cart corral, as the carts ALWAYS get stuck when I pull them out.  This once got me irate to the point that I stomped around the parking lot swearing under my breath.  At least, I THOUGHT it was under my breath.  Looked up to see two women.  "Jam your fingers?"  "Uh...yeah..."  I went back to work.  
  Sulphur coloured finger tips weren't doing much for my appearance.  Beside that fact, I had been sucking smoke for hours - lungs chugging like a choo-choo.  Next stop on this aspirated engine; Whiskeytown.        
  My type are tall, left handed bourbon drinkers in well tailored clothes, with excellent taste in jazz, classical, literature, JFK theory... Who I end up with are no-build, 365 day a year T shirt/jeans wearing, beer drinker types.  Domestic beer that is.        
  My job in life is to eat Limburger cheese.  I do it because most people don't.  Imagine all the cheese that would be leftover...the out of work French farmers- Oh my God- the second storming of the Bastille--the life lost. Count your lucky stars for me, you bastards.        
  Nothing I hate more than shopping for clothes. I'm wandering around the dressing room, trying all the doors. I need to get in and see if these jeans are at the right size. None of the doors will open. There's an employee at some little booth watching me. I'm trying doors and not a single one will open. The guy says, "Do you need something?" I tell him no. I keep trying doors. "Sure you don't need anything?" Yes. I keep trying, they won't open. He walks over, takes some key and twists in a knob, opening the door. "We have a security system to prevent shoplifting," he says. "You just could've asked." I explain that I was looking for someone and leave. When I got home the pants didn't fit right.  fuck i feel dumb.  
  "Guess my name," he said.  "Ricky?  Rhonda?  Roger?  William!  John!Sally!" she guessed.  He left her a dollar for playing along.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  When I was in college, I used to go into the laundry room in my dorm and steal chicks dirty panties, take them back to my room, inhale them deeply and masturbate all over them.  Then I would return them to the laundry room.    Funny thing is, I got caught.  One girl was hiding in the laundry room and jumped out right as I was pocketing a dirty pair of cotton undies.  I thought I was dead.  Wrong.  She attacked me and asked if I could cum somewhere else instead.  She had found one of my "presents" and said she ended up rubbing her wet panties all over her crotch . We ended up having sex the rest of the school year.  And I am talking DIRTY sex....  
  I broke up with my girlfriend exactly one month ago today.  Since then, I've (surprisingly enough) had sex more times than I've masturbated.  I consider this an accomplishment.  
  years ago.. My best friend and I would sniff blow and play gin rummy holed up in her house.  This would go on usually close to 3 days till we ran out or went clubbing.  Game after game of speed rummy, nary a word between us except "one line or two?" at the alloted time. The only sound sniffing and cards. I have trouble even looking at a deck now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         some psycho woman was really pissed off and yelling at some Starbucks today. i suppose the bathroom was out of order and she was bitching about how it was her right to pee. then she went on to ask if they wanted her to pee in the middle of the place. i waited around to see if she would just so i could say that i saw someone pee on a Starbucks floor. but what really sucks was that she ended up getting my soy mocha and throwing it at some random person outside. what a waste...  
  This isn't a sex story, so you can stop here if you're not interested.  I was in Italy when I was 16, and really got into this weird "MUST PHOTOGRAPH EVERYTHING" phase.  Which included the soldiers (or police, whichever) that were around EVERYWHERE because it was like 2 days away from election day there.  I heard from my dad that if I took a photograph of them, there was a good chance that I could get a) thrown in jail or b) killed.  There's a reason why they carry sub-machine guns on the streets.  But man... what a cool shot that would have been of one of those guys, even if my whole family had been killed in a hail of gunfire.  
   The getting of the temporary tags (paper license plates) is anuther story, which I'll no doubt post soon  This one is fun. My motorhome seller led me through Miami in his car to the Tag Agency. I gave him a certified check for the motorhome, he scrutinized it closely, then removed his plates and instantly took off. I walked inside and got in line. There was not a single English-speaking person in the place, but what there  was  was an incredibly-siliconed (perhaps 45" chest), slim babe behind the counter*. She was having lots of fun with the guys in line. She utilized about 50 extra muscles just for her wiggle-walk. The guys were hooting and hollering, but she either ignored them or gave them a "you wish..." kiss-off and the finger. Lots of fun to watch, but I don't like silicone. Besides, I was nervous that I was never going to get out of Miami that night. When my turn finally came, I got her, and she started heavily flirting with me! She: "You have wonderful ...eh... azures ojos." Me, glancing downward: "And you have a wonderful pair of ...eh... temporary tags." She smiled wide and handed me the tags, but didn't understand that I wasn't coming back. She: "Wen uu come back for the ...eh... permanent tags, don' wait. Just come straight to me." I walked out, past a long line of jealous Cubans, and tried to start the motorhome. It wouldn't start. I tried it again, and it roared into 455 cubic inch life. Much relieved, I hit the highway, but not before sweatily imagining the headlines if it hadn't started: "Man Found Suffocated In Motorhome: A Scottish tourist was found dead in his motorhome this morning. He'd apparently been suffocated by large soft objects of unknown origin. The police say that no foul play is suspected, however: "Whatever happened, he died really happy." ------------ *I later saw a VW bug ad saying: "Completely Redesigned: Just like everybody else in Miami".  
  I can't begin to count how many times I've said "wrong hole" during sex.    
  masturbation while driving on the freeway is not recommended unless one has a good contamination and clean-up plan. alas, one night i didn't think ahead. lets just say it got messy. learn from my mistake. think before you jerk.  
  Yeah, so I was on the bus the other day, and the bus was full almost to capacity, and I was standing in the back. On my way through the aisle, some dude mumbled at me to sit across from him. While there was a seat there, it was between two fat ladies and I'm not really into being squashed for the duration of my bus ride, so I ignored him and went to the back to stand. A few minutes later, before the bus had left, almost everyone on the bus starts stampeding for the exits and a nasty stench begins to waft its way around. Turns out that the guy who wanted me to sit near him is puking all over himself. I guess he had just gotten kicked off another bus for doing the same thing. All I can think is, "Sweet, now I don't have to stand." A few other people had the same thought apparently, and after opening some windows it really wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, those fuckers at the bus headquarters or whatever made us get off the bus and I ended up having to get on the next one, which had just about everyone from the last two.  
  The morning of the Northridge Earthquake (about 5:30), my friend and I spent about an hour lighting dental floss and anything else we could find on fire.  Never occured to us that maybe there could be a gas leak somewhere in my apartment.  
  the problem?  it's not really the fact that it's a bad haircut, and an expensive one at that.  it's not the fact that nearly two decades of being a long haired guy has been reset to approximately age 15.  nor is it the non-trivial blow to my non-trivial vanity, or the fact that my instructions were not only disregarded, but that the exact opposite was done.  it's the fact that it's a fucking girls' haircut - that's the goddamn problem.  
  Anyone here ever heard of "candy"?  Not the candy you eat, but the kind you wear.   If you haven't, it's those little plastic circlets and bead bracelets.   Anyway, a friend(?) of mine gave me some candy to wear.  Suddenly I had this horrifying image of me with multi-coloured beads and bracelets up to my elbows;  And my black leather trench coat.  I REALLY hope that doesn't happen, cuz I don't wanna be known as the "candy goth."    
  I was talking with 'Tinkerbell from Hell' at a rave. "If you're Tinkerbell, where are your wings?" "Some guy stole them." "Sounds like a bad Frank Capra movie."  
  Shining Moments  I have a really shitty co-worker.  We all do.  The guy that blames everything on others, doesn't know what he's doing and is enough of a hothead to complain to management at every chance.  One day I walked past my bosses office and heard my bosses speakerphone.  This guy was at home for the day and took the time to call in to complain about me for something I didn't do.  I walked on by...  ...and right into his office.  I took the handset of his phone off the cord and ran it around in my boxers.  I didn't just touch it to my cheeks or anything but instead I made sure that the earpiece and mouthpiece both were in the crack for a while.  They both touched anus.  The next day I called his desk and asked him if there was anything I could do for him.  
  If you have yourself cloned and then have a sexual relationship with your clone, is that incest or masturbation?  
  ...and then off to rummage through files as if to understand - and take food and a basketball, how they play anyway is beyond me, Walking around the whole time finding pieces of the puzzle, an answer as to why old people live together in a community but I cant, I dont understand so I return to grandmas with my prizes and a small dose of guilt and think of the day and the smells and the people, the older people, myself and my young evil comrades in arms and all those in between, especially the tan sunny lifeguard As I wait for grandma to leave for her walk So I can masturbate on her plastic covers.  
  A buddy of mine stayed at my house one night cause his mom kicked him out.  The following morning my father came to the bottom of my stairs and started barking orders at me and my friend. I'm a bastard in the morning if I'm rudely woken up and as me and my friend were walkin to the top of my stairs I was yellin at my father that I knew what I had to do that day, chores and such.  I sleep in my boxers and the boxers I had on that morning just had a slit in the front, no way to keep em closed.  I was yellin an my father "I KNOW! I KNOW!" and just then my dick flopped out.  I don't think my buddy has ever really stopped laughing about that.   
  I work at starbucks.  Ugh.  But anyway, there's a Vons in the same shopping center.  Or there was a Vons.  It closed a year ago.  And, there's this subfloor basement underneath the whole shopping center complex, connecting all the stores.  So a year ago when the Vons closed, they forgot ALLLLL ABOUT their meat lockers in the subfloor basement.  The power was turned off, Vons packed its bags, everyone went home.  A year later, the meat lockers are suddenly, horridly remembered.  That would have been a few days ago.  What did the property manager do? He went down there (I can't imagine the horror) and sprayed some rat poison around, then left.  Since he cracked the seal, I cannot describe the smells that floated into all the stores in the complex, but I bet it's pretty close to what fifty or so dead bodies would smell like.    I figure that come Monday morning, the Los Angeles County Department of Environmental Health is going to have a party on their hands.  In fact, I'm going to make sure of it.    
  The Block option on email makes me feel vaguely godlike, and I block like there's no tomorrow. Then I notice I get nothing and feel lonely. So I unblocked them all.  I guess panty sniffer porn spam is better than no love at all.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com     I love this person....We should all be so lucky to meet her.   Much Love Cheerleader....I cherish the love i feel by the penis enlargment cream e-mails I recieve  
  Disproof of God  For those of you who have taken Philosophy or Logic in college, there is a proof of god's existance that goes something like:  God is the most perfect being.  Try to imagine a perfect being.  The only thing that can make it more perfect is to give it one more quality, the fact that it exists, is real.  Therefore, God must be real, because if he wasn't, then he wouldn't be real.   Here's my retort (based on some bible passages i had to read for class):  In the gospels it says that God is god of the living, not the dead.    In my imaginings of a perfect being, he has dominion over both living and dead.  Therefore, God is not a perfect being, therefore, he doesn't exist.  Booyeah!  All you churchgoers can go home and contemplate Hinduism or Buddhism now.     
  You know there's gonna be an American Psycho 2?  Like the Fight Club T-Shirt before it, it's another example of a movie studio unclear of the concept. A film is released that makes some kind of statement about possesions and money and immediatly the studio has to try to market it.   It does have William Shatner in it though...  
  sorry_e_e is full of shit.  But its good shit though.  
   When men need to see blood they button up their favorite shirt, head to the bar, get drunk, and find someone to pick on.  When women need to see blood they check the pink box for supplies, and wait.   
  One, two, three clown cars pull up.  Lights flashing, festive red and blue.  Three, four, five, six pigs pile out, stand around, mill about.  Unsure what to do with the one car and one driver they've pulled over.  I stand at my window as the clowns perform.  I eat my cotton candy and watch the circus.  This is my tax dollars at work.  Fucking suburbs.  
  bullshit love story of the year...  So everything finally comes together with my best friend of a year and I and we start going out.  Well, after 9 days, yes only 9 I find out that she is cheating on me.  Talk about an all time low.  So in keeping with Lowbrow standards, i'm going to add the funny twist.  On the 10th day she actually called me and threatened to kill me.  Neat relationship, don't you think?  
  Back in high school, they had two different study halls, depending on what days you had it... Monday/Wednesday or Tuesday/Thursday. Since I had it every day, I had friends I sat with in both categories. Admin decided every day study hall was to be moved to a separate room altogether, so I registered for M/W under my name, and T/Th under a false name. Wouldn't you know it, I skipped school on a Tuesday and next Thursday, my imaginary name was called to the office.  The vice-principal knew me from the time I was in elementary school (small town) and asked me why I registered under a fake name. I told him I was thinking of changing my name legally and wanted to get used to it, while I fiddled with my four-buttons-undone blouse. He told me I just couldn't do that, in a "naughty little girl" tone, and sent me on my way.  Never underestimate the power of hard nipples.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to consider myself an innovator.  It seems like everytime I talk about things from my bizarre perspective, it spreads like wildfire.  I get on kicks with different things.  For example, 6 months ago, it was Sea Love.   The gentle touch of a squid's tentacle- The sweet love of a dolphin's blowhole- Or maybe one step further, passionate sex with a pair of porpoises...a menage a porpois.  This shit just comes to me, and I think I lack the mental filter that says, "No, don't go off on the tangent about wanting a marine mammal with a slow fluke."  Nonetheless, my weird shit spreads like a virus, infecting all those who hear about it, making them want to tell their friends about the strange hilarity of Hot Seahorse Love.  My new kick is "Squirrels With Wheels."  Tell your friends!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Charles Darwin, it's been a long hard evolution. Charles Darwin, we finally came down from the trees. Here comes the thumb. Here comes the thumb. Here comes the thumb, and I say, it's all right!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i still say the folks who make out the best during the holiday season are the booze manufacturers cheers        
  "the woman is a cellular mesh of lies~ and a scratcher,  she has a dark blossom between between her thighs"   that was his favorite Kerouacian thing to say in these kind of situations.  She eyed me with suspicion over the top of her Zima bottle.  I shrugged and tried to get smaller.  She smiled at my discomfort.  I thought, I really gotta get outta this  town. Vegas *so* sucks in July!    I need a milk drinking girl  from Indiana, or Wisconsin or some place where people are not whatever the fuck they are here. Are you out there?  Got milk?           
  "Guess my name," he said.  "Ricky?  Rhonda?  Roger?  William!  John!Sally!" she guessed.  He left her a dollar for playing along.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I hopped into the roller coaster car, pulled the shoulder restraints down and wondered why my right hand was suddenly wet. I turned my head to see a huge, wet, foamy glob of hot saliva right next to my cheek on the shoulder bar. I screamed for an attendant to bring me a napkin to clean it up since it was locked down already.  As the line of cars rattled out onto the track, I saw him standing uselessly with a tissue, just a few seconds too late.  I spent the entire ride braced to the left trying to keep my face from slamming into the wet deposit. This is not easy to do on a coaster with loops, spirals and curves that are notorious for slamming peoples' heads around.  We rolled into the station and I was relieved that the hell was finally over. I had managed to keep my face out of the spit. But when I looked to the right to check on it, I saw most of it had dripped off the bar and soaked into the neck and shoulder of my shirt.  I still hate my friends for laughing at me.  
  That night we had a hot pepper eating contest.  I ate the most, so I assumed that I had won.  The next day as I ran to the bathroom for the third time to shit out some sort of hot liquid that made my asshole burn like I was in Mexican prison, I realized that I hadn't really won anything at all.  
  My boyfriend, (We'll call him Leonardo), is incredibly insane. Which is why I love him. He'll come up the most random thing, at any time.  For instance:   "It's harder to do it when i've gotta force it.  when the right situation presents itself, the drag queen inside comes out.   Oh my god.  That sounded so wrong."  Yeah. He floats my boat, alright.   
  One of my roomates would leave all of his empty lighters throughout the house so he could watch us franitacly try lighter after lighter. I started to leave empty packs of cigarettes about the house. His lighter pranks stopped.   
  tales from the farm, part 3  working over the summer because my grandpa paid cash and i was too lazy to get a "real" job. so there i am, cleaning manure out of the cow corrals with a tractor; dumping the shit into a dumptruck and hauling it out to the fields, tons at a time. the back of the dumptruck has a T-bar locking the doors in place, but the shit has jammed against the doors, so i'm swinging with a metal pipe to break it loose. the T-bar finally gives way, and the doors fly open behind the force of nearly 2000lbs of cowshit.  i jumped back, and the T-bar went whizzing by my face, grazing my cheek. had it not been for my fast reflexes, i would no-doubt have been rendered unconscious, partially or completely buried in brown goop.   and you think YOUR job sucks...  
  downing pills... gravol demorall advil (extra strength) and a sip of milk for flavor  i expected to eb so fucked up i couldn't get off the couch  what i didn't expect was the explosive diarrhea  ah well, live and learn....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I fed Zima to a Brittish Man, as a night cap from a dinner of Taco Bell.   And we wondered why he thought American's were weird.  
  Your search - Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow - did not match any documents.   The spelling correction - Leopold Porkstacker Cornswallow - also did not match any documents.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          "You guys are gross.."   I say casually as I use my finger to scrape the last of the French onion dip from the bowl I got out of the trash  
  I was at a pizza place with my brother and uncle, picking up our order. A very overweight female employee brought out our pizza and opened it up to see if they made it correctly. My uncle, watching her do this, looks at her and says, "Whatsa matter, ya hun-gee?"  
   he took a bunch of acid, and kept saying "i got my head caught in a jet engine, and it's blowing my mind across the sky." i totally wanted to punch him in the face, but i could never pull it off.  let's be honest, i'm no Hunter s Thompson.      
  Overheard conversation between 21yo brother and mother about parent's planned absence for the next week, with regards to the house...  "Chris, not on our bed"  
  Gouda is one fucking tough cheese.   I broke 2 Ginsu Knives, you know the kind that are advertised as being indestructable.   just by trying to extract a wedge from it's circular, tastey, and buttery clutches.  God I'm a dork  
  I was at the club. They were showing security camera porn. No lie. Live fucking caught on security cameras....just how it sounds. So we're all fascinated. There's the guy getting head while leaning against the counter, people being rammed in the back rooms, then.... A guy walks into a stock room, picks up a toy sheep, and goes to town! No matter how much I've joked about it, seen it in dirty comics, or whatever, it still blew me away to actually see it. My line: "Excuse me sir, that sheep has already been stuffed."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I was, lying in bed, erect with my girlfriend about to go down on me.  We thought my mom was downstairs.  No, she was in the next room and wasn't pleased when she walked in.  "Not while I'm in the house" she says as she storms out of my room.  She thought we were about to have sex.  I almost wanted to tell her we weren't, my gf was just going to go down on me.  I didn't bother.  I didn't get any either.  Poor girlfriend.  Poor mom.  That was the last time I got head after school while mom was home.  Probably for the best though.  They both seemed to get over it though.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once, when I was in Mexico, I bought a giant statue of the Virgin Mary. I didn't know how to get it home, so I sent it by mail.  Then I forgot about it. Imagine my surprise when I opened THAT package.  It came wrapped in bubble wrap though, the big kind, and lots of it.  I wrapped it around my body and rolled around on the floor.  That was as close to nirvana as I'll ever get.  
  Some of my best short stories have come out of lowbrow. Maren and I play a game: pick three lowbrow moments (sorry_e_e's don't count), and write a short story out of one. One of the tales adapted from the brow, about a "stunt buzzard" hit in the middle of Texas, won second place in the micorfiction contest at our school. I made it all existential and modernist.  I sent it to grad schools for admission. Thanks, lowbrow. You're good for more than anal inspiration. ~puck~  
  Yeah, you know, now that I think about it, if all Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden was fruit, they must have had the shits all the time. Jesus Louise-us!  
   In response to linz (come up with a sentence including the words KY Jelly and bible):   "The bible-toting freaks, unbeknownst to the poor civilians they accosted door-to-door, also carried liberal quantities of KY Jelly in their pleather cases, just in case anyone needed additional persuasion."   
  my friend was fucking his girlfriend in the small brooklyn apt. she shares with another girl, who incidentally is a prostitute.   the prostitute accidentally walks in on them while he is on top of his girl,  in the plain ole missionary position.   without missing a stroke, he looks over his shoulder and casually asks,"Does my ass look fat?"   i love that guy, sometimes.  
  "Lassie.  Hey, Lassie!"  the drunk kept hollering as only drunks can.  "I hate it when they call him Lassie" the boy leaned over to tell me. So does the dog.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I think it is fun to go into Wal*mart and ask the people wearing the bright blue Wal*Mart vests:    "Do you work here?"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once asked my neighbor why he was joining a frat.  He said "Don't call it that. It's a Fraternity."  When asked why he was taking it so seriously, he responded thusly, with a straight face:  "You don't call your country "cunt", do you?"  
  I hugged my friend and for some reason reached down and squeezed her ass.  I don't know why I did it.  She's an ex of mine from about 4 years ago.          
  I think the culmination of my two-years-and-counting in Los Angeles was when I let some guy go in front of me on a crowded part of the Harbor Freeway near downtown and he flashed me the 'Westside' sign as a way of thanks.  Made me all warm inside.  No, really.  
  The girl I was interested in said,  My boyfriend rented some Woody Allen movies this weekend.  I thought they were pretty good, and he kind of reminded me of you.  Especially the way he is with women, you know, weirdly aggressive and completely helpless.    This can't be good, can it?  
  "Mom..............i'm gay!"   "No shit hun....what do you think i've been trying to tell your father"         
  One cool thing about getting older in a smaller town is that, inevitably,a number of your friends will end up as the cops. This comes in really handy when they are looking for a home for some weed they've confiscated from some kids, when you're on the road after one-too-many, or you blow through that 4-way stop sign 'cause you simply know everyone else in their right mind will stop.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To my ex boyfriend.  Remember that time you got really drunk, so drunk in fact you thought you passed out and crapped your own pants?  It wasn't your crap.  It was the dogs.  Dogs look at you funny when you do strange things with their crap.  
  I discovered once, at a party with lots of people I didn't know very well, an interesting effect. Tequila makes my clothes fall off.   
  I must have been 13.  I was at my friends small birthday party.  We were sitting in front of the TV watching Species.  As Natasha Henstridge showed her bossom for a brief second I yelled real loud: "This is the best fucking scene!  I love this scene!  Look at those tits!" My friend said my name spitefully and rolled his eyes in the direction of his mother and her friends eating cake which I had not noticed before I opened my mouth...  
  One of my coworkers invited me over to his place and we got hammered on rum and coke. He hurled Domino's buffalo wings all over the bathroom sink, and his girlfriend urinated on my foot.   At about 9 the next morning, I woke up, drove home, showered and went to work. I'm still not sure what happened to that sock.   
  I feel like a dork. I bought this conditioner that's supposed to give your hair red highlights. I never thought about the fact that I already have blonde highlights. They're pink now.   
  I had a dream the other night.  The dream's plot revolved around the fact that my girlfriend had hired two prostitutes as a gift for my birthday.  I don't remember interacting or even seeing the prostitutes.    I do remember, however, my girlfriends stepfather slapping me on the back saying "What's it like being in a T. Jay sandwich."  I have no idea where that came from.  
  i lived in lincoln, nebraska for a few months after high school.  that, in itself, is lowbrow... but the stories i have from that brief, strange time... man... a friend was driving down the main street, and some hick meathead in his 20 foot high pick-em-up truck was tailgating him bad.  my friend kind of taps the brakes, but this only angers the meathead, and he follows closer.  so my friend locks up his brakes and sits there, waiting.  the hick says something to his girlfriend, and gets out of the truck.  when he gets to my friend's window, he says "what the fuck are you..." and then my friend shoots the guy in the forehead with his pellet gun.  who would have guessed that a little piece of lead could knock someone unconscious without penetrating the skull? the best part is, the hick's girlfriend had no idea it was a air gun, so she sees it come out the window, pop her man in the forehead, and drop him flat.  she was screaming pretty bad, but my friend just drove away, and never got caught. this friend's older brother was even crazier than he was... i could fill 20 posts with lincoln, nebraska stories, and i probably will.  
  I rule. Basically, that's it. I just really really rule.  I think it all started in about 1988, when I was riding the cheese wagon to school everyday. I was picked on a good bit.  I raised and trained my very own jalepeno army. You may laugh at this, but i believe this started my "ruledom."  On one particular day, I decided to take my precious jalepeno army to embark on my jihad against the evil schoolbus kids.  I had given my army arms and legs made up of toothpicks, and they all stood at attention on the cardboard of death patiently awaiting my commands.  I boarded the schoolbus and the enemies immediatly took the bait. Asking what was on the cardboard, I kindly responed, "This is my army. We will pulverize you."  After a good many taunts, with no reaction from me, the cursed enemy then decided to kill off my army. As they took within thier grasps my soldiers of misfortune, they crushed them immediatly. They had a good laugh at all this. Until they laughed so hard they had tears in thier eyes.  Oh yes, this war was won.  As they wiped away the tears, they jalepeno juice of doom got in the eyes of my unfortunate enemies.  Needless to say, a lot of kids went home from school that day.   This, my dear friends, is the reason I started to rule. And I continue to do so today.     
  back in my stoner college days we use to do odd stuff for kicks. for example, we use to smoke up, turn on a strobe light and lay on the floor in the shape of an X with our heads almost touching and watch the ceiling fan. We'd watch the fan as it jittered about in the flashing light.  It was sweet. Then one day I realized, what if the fan fell on our heads and killed us? what a strange scene that would be. 4 guys lying on the floor with a giant ceiling fan smashed on their heads.   Man, I'd hate to be the cop that had to fill out that report.  
  One of the first times I ever got really shitfaced I heard there was a girl at the keg party that had already screwed three or four guys that night. Jesus, what a fucking slut. I couldn't find her anywhere.    
  The Download:  Age of Empires II Conquerer's Patch at the MSN Zone.  The Porno:     Ghetto Fabulous; a knockout black woman pleasuring several men at once - pre July 3, 1995 - actual penetration.  I decided to masturbate when the download got to 14%. It was going to take a while.  I watched the porno twice, and came halfway through the second time (it's about 4-5 minutes long).   I came back downstairs at 64%.  Dammit, what do I do now? He's shrunken like a balloon with a hole in it, and I still have to wait for another 36% of the download.  I either need a faster modem or more endurance.  I think I rubbed myself the wrong way.  
  he cut himself twice because he wanted to most people cant even fathom that but i knew exactly why it felt so good        
  "Would you do me a favor?" he asked us. We both thought he was gonna ask for some pot, or a drink of water, or something like that.  He was one dirty and somewhat skewed looking bumble bee. "That love, the love you two are sharing right now" (pause) "When you go home, do you think you could try and remember some of it?"  We looked at him and smiled, hugged, and then looking at each other noticed we were both crying.    
  Me: you know...you haven't said more than one word responses in a while...prefer to just talk later?  Her: no, i'm just redoing my nails  Her: sorry  Her: heh  Me: you know...  Me: if you spent half the time masturbating that you do doing your nails...you'd walk around with one hell of a smile on your face.  Her: too lazy  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you gotta love the hot weather. It gets rid of the old people!  
  Quoted moment: An e-mail from cheerleader@yercrotch (Hi, sweetie!):  I think LaDeeFrickingDa and and I should start a band. We could call it the Vengengeful Vaginas  My reply: I want to start a band called The Drunken Moiles.  
  Moi - Holy fuck je vais pisser sur toi quand tu vas dormir!! Ron - Well tu me shie toujours sur le dos, c'est aussi bien que tu me pisse sur le corp.  Gone  
  There seem to be alot of subway related moments so I may as well add mine.   I used to eat subway alot. There was one in my student union so it was always pretty close by and better than the rest of the food my husky card could buy. Then one day while I was studying in the student union, I noticed that the subway people always brought their own food to work, even drinks. What do they know that the rest of us don't?  
  The power goes out around here on a regular basis, since this whole state is like some third world toilet or something. It's a pain in the ass to go around and reset all the clocks when it comes back, but the tedium was broken this morning when the PuffDaddyWannaBe neighbor comes tearing out of his house, still dressing as he dashes for his car, three hours late, trips on his lowered pants, falls on his face, spills coffee all over himself, and then slams the car door on his hand, and the coffee cup he forgot on the car roof flies off in an arc that ends at his front window.  Better late than never, I guess he thinks.  
  The other day my girlfriend was talking to me about what she calls an "important relationship issue" when she started screaming at me threatning to break up with me. I ask why. Her reply "All you do is read fucking low brow all day and even now when i'm talking to you your reading it." I replied "Well at least low brow makes me laugh." I got a slap in the face and i havent talked to her in about a week.   Thanks low brow.  
  Im doing the dishes right now.  They havent been done in over a week.  Something towards the bottom smells like cinnamon.  Im afraid to get that far down.  We dont own cinnamon.  
       We arrived late at parents night at my daughter's high school. My wife agreed to go to our daughter's English class and I to the Math class.  I rushed into the classroom and hurredly took a seat as the teacher was finishing up his presentaiton and discussing the rules regarding homework and grading.   To redeem myself for being late, I felt it would be appropriate if I asked what I thought was a very important question. With great confidence I asked the teacher: "It seems to me that our children do not really understand math today as a form of logic but rather just as a rote exercise. How do you overcome this in the classroom?  The teacher quickly replied: "Sir I don't, this is an English class...math is next door.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         An Unsent, Unaddressed Letter I Had Forgotten Writing And Recently Uncovered:  Introduction  I've been in a sweaty, tortorous fog for three days straight.  I've been sick w/a particularly nasty cold that seems intent on killing me.  I've been alone, & it's felt like one vast unconquerable Sunday, with no end in sight.  I'm just an honest man looking for a cigarette lighter.  And mourning for the loss of the flame.  My toilet won't drain and I've been screaming and cursing at the smug porcelain bastard for an hour or two, to no avail.  This has put me into a totally inappropriate funk that I can't seem to shake.  I got desperate and bent a coathanger out straight and tried to use it like a sinksnake on the toilet.  I probably looked like some sort of crazed abortion doctory from the late 40s.  So: I'm sweaty, screaming at a toilet in crazy frustration, and probably stink like a mad bastard, seeing as I haven't bathed for about three days.  Happy Thanksgiving...  Yours truly, Rev. J.D. Evans Man of Visions 11-22-99 10:48 P.M.   --what the hell was I thinking?         
  you should try not masturbating for a couple weeks, you fellow horny guys. it gets very surreal, after only maybe one week. you'll find things look different. you will have strange energies. you might be scared of the way you feel after a couple of drinks in a bar with nice girls around.  even if you end up hating it, the release from when you finally give in will be worth it. i guess this is useless to fellows lucky enough to be getting it regularly now. . . and actually what's most important is not the masturbation ban, but the ejaculaion prohibition.   
  They're trying to calm down somebody's crazy hyper brother ... the guy's deranged... torn stinking clothes...talking a mile a minute...and leaning all over me ... I hear one of 'um go c'mon man, you're making her *real* nervous...  (no, no, no he isn't no he isn't no he isn't...you guys can't tell, but  I'm as insane as he is... moreso, maybe, and I *like* my own kind all over me... oh god I've needed this...don't pry him off just yet...)        
  So I'm at a party and this girl I sort of know somehow gets beer foam on her boob.  Drunkenly, she says, "GEE, I NEED SOMEONE TO GET THIS FOAM OFF MY BOOB.  MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD LICK IT OFF FOR ME!"   Naturally, I licked it off.  What does she do? She gets all huffy and acts like I'm a total pig for doing that to her.    Jeez.  I was only doing it to be nice to a drunk girl.  For cripes sake, it was like a 32AA boob on a 21-year old, inside a shirt, inside a sweater.  She gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the semester.  See if I lick YOUR breast again next time you ask.    
  this shock chick who digs intimidating innocent people especially ones she doesnt know struts into a room and starts a rather loud q and a with this quiet nermal type guy who was sitting on the couch and minding his own b i didnt know the guy but he wasnt fucking with anyone and just sitting there digging the james brown cd  the only thing he said was  the musics too low so what do you think about autoeroticism she says and the convo in the room dies instantly well stacey says he she pales she didnt know the guy knew her name i think having your little sister suck me off in your moms cierra was a hoot and of course the inevitable high velocity beer douching of my nostrils    
  When I was in my middle-teens, I would frequent amateur radio conventions with my father. I owned no interest in the hobby, my father did, but I would go to spend time with him, along with the possibility of finding a dusty old abortion for purchase in the aesthetic garage-sale ambience, a feeling I'll never forget.  The crowds were always lonely old men, more scientific-minded than anything else, trying to find the most efficient, expensive, impressive means to transmit their voice from their house to the others. The majority of these men had white hair, that was poorly-groomed, and a thick, rustled, complimenting beard - this was reflective of their lack of hygiene - which was reflective of their poor social skills. Many were obese, and the entire festival had not one sharp dresser. My father, though a shabby dresser, did not fall into that category, thankfully.  Amongst the crowd of washed-up nerds and freakish old men was a couple, standing inside a barn filled with booths and tables hosted by happy merchants hoping to sell what the man next to him also has. The boy was older than I was by a few years, and wore a blue hat, tilted, with a matching jersey and baggy jeans. Something about him told me that he was an automobile stereo enthusiast. In his arms was the girl, maybe a year or two younger than her partner, wearing shorts that climbed up almost passed her thighs, and a shirt revealing a foot or so of midriff. She was showered in bright make-up, and showed little to no interest in any of her surroundings, not happy to be around the demograph she was. She may have been white trash, but she knew that the world owed her more than that.  It is assumed that she came to keep her boyfriend company, not that she would talk to him for bringing him to such a place. And it is also assumed that he came to help his father operate a table - for if he did not attend, he would not be able to purchase mechanisms for his dirt-bike.  As the aging, balding, overweight men would pass, in their red-suspenders and call-sign hats, they would sneak a peek at the underaged princess's midriff or cleavage, silently, and only for a moment.  In passing, I heard a fellow with thick plastic glasses nudge his buddy with an elbow and shouted "Woman are a lot like elephants... they're fun to look at but I wouldn't want to own one!" before bursting with laughter at his own joke. His buddy laughed along side him, with a few others who had heard.  I'm not entirely certain, but I believe that if offered an elephant, that man would've said yes.   
  There's a guy at work that's really....really annoying. As I've started to work my way up the chain of command I've found that the direct approuch of telling people they're idiots is frowned apon. So come Monday I'm putting miniscule pieces of garlic in his pockets and shoes.  Revenge isn't only sweet....it smells too!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some guys at school were telling a joke about some guy who wipes is ass from the "anal hole" (?) to is balls. They all laugh like crazy. I remember I wipe my ass in that way so I didn't make a sound and got realy serious so I think they noticed. I hate them.  
  A cousin of mine died in the World Trade Center attacks.  I don't know what hurts more though. Losing a cousin.  Or losing a cousin I never got to know.  
  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hollowpoints expand on impact...  
  Well now.  Did you know that US GOV. classified documents are shredded/mulched/torn up and then used as General Mill cereal boxes afterwards?  Strange, but true.  
  Erotic is using a feather, Kinky is using the whole damn Chicken!  
  sometimes i have these huge shits...i can feel like 20 centimetres of doody come out, all in one continuous piece.  then i look in the the toilet and there's NOTHING THERE!  i guess its so long it somehow turns that corner into the drain at the bottom of the toilet.  its like painting a beautiful picture and not getting to ever look at it.  
  At this point, I think every regular lowbrow reader is afraid of shitting in their pants.  I for one, am a lot more careful when I have to fart.  
  I farted at my grandpa's funeral.  
  Why is it every time i drink jack Daniels i wake up in the gutter with my pants around my ankles  
  In a drunken stupor just after sunrise, I grabbed the nicest, most expensive boombox I've ever seen and headed out the door. A few houses down the alley, I tucked it behind some hedges and went back to 'The Estate' and went to sleep. Later the owner of the box was frantic after discovering it missing, I put on an award performance of innocent ignorance.  I had intended to swing by and pick it up later, but I was worried about driving all the way back there on a suspended license, and it had been raining all day so it was probably fucked up beyond use anyhow. The lament over the lost box continued for months.  Stupid, pointless.      
  Another Secondary (high) school, another English teacher. He was one of the last of the old-breed teachers, sitting behind his high desk, gold watch chain stretched across the fat gut of his ash-stained waistcoat, peering forbiddingly over his half-glasses. John Pollock was his name. Next time I go back to the old country, I will lay flowers on his grave and sob. He adopted me. Needing a father-substitute, I adopted him. First day of the next school year, he said: "Here's the syllabus, which I am  required  to teach you, but as long as you all pass your O-Levels (countrywide exams), which I guarantee you will, I'll keep my job. "So let's have fun in the meantime." We had fun in the meantime, studying illegal, unBowdlerized Shakespeare and so on. I swear he even got some of the real yobbos to appreciate literature. He spent a couple weeks coaching us on the upcoming O-Levels, like: "There will be three rather vague essay questions. One of them can be answered by referring to Robert Burns' 'Tam O'Shanter'. "I don't care if you like it, or even read it, but  memorize  this analysis of it, and find some way to get it into your answer, verbatim. "The graders will know you're cheating when they see thirty answers containing the same passage, but there's not a damn thing they can do about it." We all passed. I can still remember most of the analysis: "...the magnificent thumbnail character sketches..." and so on. And the LowBrow moment? The greatest man I ever met peered down at me one day and said: "Mr. [Limbo], if you ever make a living by doing something other than writing, you will be  wasting your life ". I'm a software engineer -- not what I expect he had in mind. But he is no doubt the reason I've polluted this site almost as much as sorry_e_e...  
  Wayne's Moment (not mine)  Even though he subscribes to Playboy. This month he got a Penthouse. The centerfold was a former girlfriend.  She autographed the picture with, "Eat Your Heart Out!"  He says to me, "The reason I married Maria instead of her? I bet she sent out a couple of hundred of these."  
  Today I was watching a repeat of Saturday Night Live on tv and the musical act that episode was MC Hammer. It was funnier than any of the skits.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting in a pub in London. Just got turned onto "shantys", fucking 12 point dark beer with "lemonade" (alcholic lemon soda. It's like drinking ginger ale with a kick. Especially when you get up to go to the head.  Damn near smacked my head on the ground.   
  My dad is a drunk.  When he tries to reason, I laugh at him because it's such a retarded action of trying.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Driving home late at night on a narrow, twisty road.  Car behind me has its high beams on, and is desperate to pass, keeps honking.  Finally, blinded and pissed, I slew across the road so they can't get by, grab a hammer, and start walking purposefully towards their headlights.  They pull a rapid 180, and are gone.  Back in the car, smiling, my wife is white and shaking:  "What if they'd had a gun?"  Oops, I forgot I was in America.  
  Not my moment, but someone elses . . .  Girl in our drama class was a queen bitch.  Unfortunately, she was also the teacher's pet, and always got the cool parts.  In this particular play, she got the lead female role.  We all suspected she tried out for the part when she heard a friend of mine (for whom she lusted) was going to play the lead male part.  My friend heard about all this, and played it pretty cool.  So, we're stuck doing rehearsals one Saturday afternoon.  On the pretence of memorizing his lines, he snuck off with his girlfriend into the props room.  While the rest of us worked on our lines, he was busy licking his girl's twat like there was no tomorrow.  When he reemerged, his face looked like a pink glazed donut.  We could smell her on him from a couple of feet away.  We began running through the first act.  Watching the queen bitches' face when he moved in for the slow, lingering kiss was classic.  What was even better was when Mrs. T (the drama teacher) didn't like the way the scene turned out.  She made them redo the scene eight  times that afternoon.  Take that, Queen Bitch.  
  My next door neighbour, a good friend, stops taking her pills.  Her roommate (Hi, Tamara Budecz!), perhaps the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, comes to me late at night, crying hysterically.  I get her comfortable on my couch, and go next door to see what I can do.  (Yes, I know you've seen through my little scheme by now, but keep reading.)  Next door, my neighbour is naked, and is making soup in the bathtub, walking quickly back and forward to the kitchen, adding eggs, paint thinner, potatoes ... you know, while talking gibberish incessantly.  I engage her cheerily, while also quietly throwing every sharp object I can find out of the window.  Hours go by. At one point she sits down and starts pulling shit out of her butt, but I persuade her to stop.  I'm really tired, but  no way  am I letting my guard down for a second...  ... I wake up half-naked, with her face two inches away from mine.  She grins a death-skull grin and says: "I touched it."  Jesus Christ, what if I'd missed a knife, or a razor ...  
  When going to visit your parents, never assume the daily sayings you use back in your current life will translate. While shopping with Mom, she suggested we get some beer and pointed out that coors was on sale. I automatically made a face and sneered "Ew, canoe sex." Then I had to explain to her what I meant. It's fucking close to water.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I came home and found my boyfriend doing my best friend.....That night I went out to the place I knew my EX would be....I had revenge sex on my mind. I spotted this guy within 3 minutes of entering the club,DAMN he was hot...I was gonna "use and abuse" him..and kick him to the curb. Did I mention this was 12 years ago and we now have 2 beautiful children?  Funny how life takes a turn...  
   When I was in second grade at my sister's softball game a girl kicked me in the nuts with cowboy boots on. I just sort of half-bent over for a second, then I kicked her right back so hard she fell down and doubled over bawling [i][b]and I ran outta there so goddamn fast I thought my legs would break.[/b][/i]   Of course, being the town's highest profile "problem child" I got caught and recieved a thorough ass-beating.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fact:  The lowbrow reload icon doesn't work in Unix; it just brings up the same story as the last one.  You actually have to click on the browser's reload button to make it bring up a new story.  School resources hard at work...  
  "a weird group sex thing almost happened between marie and megan and i, but megan and i just ended up having sex after marie went to bed," my ex-on-again-off-again lover said. "the group thing was more of a cuddle puddle than anything else." "you're breaking the tradition," i said, bitterness creeping into my voice. "usually there's a weird group sex thing with the two of us plus some random strangers, and THEN you end up fucking someone else."  sadly enough, even though i wasn't attracted at all to the two other girls, and even though i hadn't enjoyed my previous two attempts at weird group sex, i was still kind of hurt that i hadn't been included. it WAS a tradition, after all.  
  This guy who worked at a local Funcoland had a nose ring. Not one that goes through the skin on the side, but one that goes through the skin in the middle, like pictures of natives from south american cultures or something. the circle goes in the middle of his nose, out one nostril, then in the next. it's about one inch diameter.  I wondered, does he think that will help get girls?  Then I felt like a dick for putting everything on the scale of will it get girls or not.  But the nose ring was still incredibly fucking ugly.  
  its late at night, and my boyfriend and i want to watch a movie. i get up and put the movie in then lay down on the bed. just as i get comfortable, my boyfriend presses play on the remote, and it doesn't work. so instead of getting up to press play on the dvd player, we decided on finding an alternative solution to get the movie playing. he throws the remote, and it misses. ok no big deal, lets try something else, then his eyes rest on something in the  conor, i look over to find...a bbgun...oh god. i, being lazy and high decide, hell, its worth a try! he loads it up with wax balls, (a very long process in which he has to roll the balls of surfing wax and put them in the cartridge) he goes to shoot, and nothing comes out. needs a new c02 cartridge. luckily, he has one. he goes to take the old one out, and it gets jammed. so he procedes to take apart the bbgun. he gets the cartridge out after another joint and a lot of pleading and cursing. he's set to go, he aims, fires, and misses...ok, not bad he's still got another few rounds...after three more cartridges and no more wax, he gives up. the movie, never turned on, gets forgotten in the dvd player, but we still got the lovely dried wax on it to show how lazy some potheads can really be  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         because baby, i'm an anarchist, you're a spineless liberal. we marched together for the eight hour day, held hands in the streets of seattle. but when it came time to throw a brick in starbucks windo,you left me all alone, all alone...   
  "Well" she said, my shithead new supervisor "while the cat is away, the mice will play."  Ooooh.  Good one.  "But you know why that is" I can't resist.  She raises a finely penciled eyebrow.    "The cat you see, is a predator.  Would EAT the mice.  Kill them and eat them.  Of course they fucking play when he's away."  No response.  Cats may be predators but mice can be fuckers too.  
     we totally had nowhere to go, so we smoked pot, and spent the evening in my room, translating fugazi songs into spanish.   esperro, esperro, esperro...     
  I just flew back from Hong Kong for a pre-arranged last shag with my beautiful Sri Lankan girlfriend. Sounds weird? Not really, we'd split up the week before but had decided to do it one last time and rather than leaving it to chance and booked the time and the date.  Anyway after some small talk about my trip to Hong Kong (I'd been out of contact) and a bit about her weekend, we adjourned to bed for the sex.  It was a little awkward at first not having seen each other since we broke and all the pressure of knowing it was going to be THE LAST TIME, but slowly we started kissing and then stroking and you know how it is...i'm getting hard...she's getting wet...so I hitch my leg over just about to enter her special garden for the last time...when she suddenly pushes me back in a panic and says...and this is pretty much word for word..  "Oh shit I forgot to tell you one of your friends had a heart attack and died while you were away."  Fuck me! What fucking great foreplay that is.  Talk about timing...turns out it was a work colleague not a real close pal...anyway I went half-mast for about ten minutes as a mark of respect, then flipped the dozy bitch and boned her.  Honestly, it's probably the worse pre-shag conversation I've ever had.  
  brutal honesty is good  i have said many times, "yes, you do look fat in those pants."  it has never caused a problem.  i once added, "but honey, it's not the pants."  NEVER add. answer honestly, and leave it at that  
  finally, I was to meet her.  I go to the basketball game...  Waiting patiently watching as she leads the cheerleaders with happiness, the game finally ends.   I approach her with all her friends.  The uncomfortable position I was in becomes gravely apparent.  Unable to create humor or excitment, i sit there like a dumbfuck.  I barely talk to her and the night is ruined.  But God damn the eggs at Dennys ruled.      
  I had drunk a bit and was nearing shit-housed when I found myself talking to a girl that I had been introduced to earlier that night.  After referring to her as "Julie" several times, I couldn't help but notice the pissed look on her face and the vastly amused look that everyone else had.  I was drunk, but I could still put 2 and 2 together. "Your name is Julie, right?" "It's Michelle."  It's okay, she was fat. No big loss.  
  My 21- year old brother had died in a tragic accident, and I was giving each of his close college buddies some of his personal things to remember him by. I took one of his friends who he had not seen in about a year and gave him a few video games they had spent days holed up in the dorm playing. His eyes filled up with tears. "Hey..." he frowned....    "These are MY GAMES."  
  My Spanish professor keeps falling asleep in class, right on her little desk. Everybody leaves but today I stayed behind and waited. She slept for about 15 minutes and when she woke up I was staring at her. She says "how you doin?" in a heavy Brooklyn accent- I've only heard her speak Spanish before- and walks right past me.   
  i kinda feel that jack in the box restaurants are their own little branch of lowbrow but whilst waiting for my turn at the clownhead to order i heard the car of  in front of me order and it went like this  twelve taco grandes six double cheese burgers four regular tacos four regular cheeseburgers and two of the largest cokes you make pause  and we re not high pause  so dont spit in our food pause  please     
  Don't you hate it when you're sitting on the throne and your pee-pee dangles into the water?  
  My friend and I just blew near an hour looking up the Low brow coordinates N 37deg 52.719'W 122 deg 17.347 to learn that it is located approx 6 miles  off shore Vallejo Ca. in San Pablo Bay.  Good thing we didn't have anything important to work on like our companies tender for a 5 year contract that will determine if I have a job this summer.  Go Lowbrow.  
   I was working in a deli near Nauset Beach on Cape Cod about 10 years ago (I was 17-18 at the time) on a gorgeous summer Saturday.  Around 10:30 am, about 10 of my friends all pile into the deli and proceed to stock up on chips, sandwiches, and about 4 cases of beer before hitting the beach.  I was so pissed and jealous.  After they left I was racking my brain for an excuse to get out of work to join them on the beach, but couldn't come up with anything as the usual "i feel sick" had been used to death that summer.  Then I got an idea.  The meat slicer!!  I walked over, turned it on, and quickly tapped my index finger on the blade.  For those of you that have never used a meat slicer, let me tell you that those blades are REALLLLY sharp.  I cut the hell out of my finger, blood gushing everywhere, and my boss screaming at me to get the hell out of the prep area and get to the hospital.  What did I do?  I went to the pharmacy down the street, got some gauze and some band aids, and hit the beach.    I thought everyone would find it amusing and/or ingenious.  They just looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet.  I did get drunk on the beach though, and even made out with some chick in the dunes!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to the holocaust memorial in Washington DC this past Fall.  While  I was walking around I noticed I was getting a lot of dirty looks from young and old people alike.  I could not figure out why.  Then I realized that my attire probably had something to do with it.  I was dressed nice and hip  only, part of my hip attire was a vintage German army jacket with German flags on the sleeves.  Ooops.    
  I think my best friend's mom has a really sweet ass.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roommate of the opposite sex comes into my room and picks up a leather strap with metal snaps on it and asks who's bracelet it is  my reply? "that's not a bracelet and you might want to put it down"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I had a gun pointed at me while delivering pizza.    Cops really get twitchy late at night, don't they?   *sigh*  I hate this job.   
  have you ever been looked down upon by a pigeon?  ...  i have  
  This time of year always brings a smile to my face.   My story goes a little something like this...... I had spent the past six months coordinating a Christmas party for my company.  Everything was perfect and I was pretty excited about celebrating our accomplishments over the past year.   The second I walk into the party I immediately head for the bar and proceed to get extremely shitfaced.   My boss sees this and takes me under his wing.  He and his wife take me back to their house where I proceed to get naked and prance around the house, slugging whisky out of the bottle and having a grand time.  Apparently, I catch a cab after about an hour of this and head to my friend's parents house (unannounced) and crash in their bed. On Monday I had absolutely no idea that any of this naked business had occurred.  My boss walks by my desk and gives me a big smile, says he wants to take me to lunch.   While eating he explains, in great detail, all of the humiliating things that I had done.   I grabbed a glass of 15-year old Scotch out of the CEO's hand and slammed it, insulted numerous people, and many other things that I still can't bring myself to mention.  He thought it was highly amusing and let me slide. Believe it or not I wasn't fired and was the most popular girl in the office for months.  Never again will I attend a company Christmas party.   
  Our teacher told us to keep a time log, but not too detailed.  "If you're making out with your boyfriend, we don't need to know... just say 'visiting' or something.  Part of my time log looked like this.   "  10:00 PM- Visiting a friend.   11:30 PM- Sleeping at friends house, etc.   3:30 AM- Etc.  9:00 AM- Etc. (Again.)  "            
  MoonGames:  His hair is all grown out and he resembles one of those  pictures of Jesus. Oh my! I'm sleeping with Jesus       
   Still  driving my American fiancee and her punk-rock sister* around Scotland, our butter goes missing.  Sister finally discovers that she's been sitting on it, but not before it gets squished all over her butt.  She: "Ew! Well, at least I don't get any calories from it."  Me: "Sure you do -- you absorb it directly by assmosis."  -------------------  *Yup -- the one who told me I could "ball her" any time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mother tells the story like this:  "Well, you were six, and Ryan was two.  Three.  And it was during the summer, because you were home from school.  It was in the middle of the afternoon.  You and Ryan were playing in the backyard, doing something, I don't know what, and I was sitting in the living room trying to read."  "You and Ryan would run into the house, laughing and giggling, and then you'd run upstairs, and stomp about up there for a while, then run back downstairs and outside again, still laughing and giggling.  I didn't think anything of it because you were both having a good time -- if Ryan came in crying then I knew there was trouble."  Mom picks up her beer.  "You kept doing this, though, several times in a row.  Running in, running upstairs, running downstairs, running back outside.  Every few minutes or so.  So finally I collared you as you were running back upstairs and asked what you were doing.  You said you and Ryan were playing Torpedoes, and then ran back upstairs.  I figured you were doing all right, so I went back to the living room.  And I happened to look out the window at the backyard."  "You and Ryan had been upstairs in my room and had found my box of tampons.  Somehow you learned how to shoot them out of the applicator, so you were taking them outside and shooting them over the backyard fence.  Torpedoes.  You shot my entire box of tampons out over the backyard fence, right into the front yard.  Right by the busy road.  You'd littered our entire front yard with tampons.  For all to see. Playing Torpedoes."  We laugh, and Mom laughs, and sets down her beer again.  "I just thank God you guys didn't find the diaphragm."  
   what really grates me about southerners is that they think that it's ok to do anything to anybody as long as they are polite and smile broadly while they are doing it.       
  "You know,", I said,"I've always wanted to do this." I reached behind her. Slid my hand down her pants. And stuck my finger in her ass. Right on the schoolbus. My girlfriend was sitting across from us. She wasn't pleased. But.. Damn that girl had a nice ass.  
  One of my favourite late-night coffee joints is in the  colourful  end of town, so if you sit in the front window near midnight or early morning, chances are there are going to be hookers pulling tricks on the corner across the street.  Tonight I was drinking my flat white, watching the girls on the corner, listening to the loud (caf  provided) drum & bass, and generally minding my own business when a group of born-agains pulls up outside and starts yelling, pointing, and waving bibles at prospective johns. Eventually, this large guy who s drunk enough not to give a rat s ass who s calling him a pervert fornicator shoves his way past the born-agains and makes a move towards one of the hookers   *FLASH!*  The born-agains start snapping photos of the solicitation. The drunk guy tackles the Christian with the camera, smashes it to bits. Cops show up, the drunk gets hauled away, the born-agains get told to fuck off home. I finish my coffee, and leave.  The punchline: I used to work in a video store. Those of you reading this who have also worked at a video store will know that there s a special breed of customer who only ever comes in to rent porn. Occasionally when you re not working you ll spot one of these people in the street. On this occasion, I recognised the Christian being tackled by the large drunk man.  I love this town.   
  So we road trip down to Virginia from NJ to see my cousin's band play a gig.   We check into our hotel rooms and my cousin opens the door to his room and freezes.  We all go over and look inside.  The room is obviously under renovation, with the wallpaper gone, fresh spackle everywhere and one bedframe was flipped on top of the other, with the mattress lying on the floor.  My cousin turns to us, lights a cigaretts and says, "OK, so who wants to help me look for the dead hooker in the mattress?"  I love my family.  :-)  
  I'm helping 2 friends of mine get together, I think it would be a nice experience and make me feel a bit better about myself.  We had a movie night together the other night. They go to sleep all cuddled up, I'm kinda lonely but never mind, other than that I'm fine. I go to sleep.  The next morning...I wake up to the sound of whispers...  "Thats the G-spot....oh my god...oh my god....oh my god"  Farken hell! I thought listening to my mum on the phone was offputting! Not again!  
  How long before its ok to kiss a girl again after she vomits? I'm thinking never.        
  Every time I had almost convinced myself that I could love her I would smell her breath again.  Damn.        
  We're at the carnival, and she wants to go on the teacup-spinny-thingys.  I tell her that I don't do those cuz they make me puke.  She asked when the last time I puked off them was and I told her the last time I was on them.  She asked how many years and I told her eight.  She said come on.  She offered fellatio in exchange for teacups, so I accepted.  I puked, and she sucks at sucking.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was totally in love. eventually i had to get over it, and every now and then i think about the way things unfolded. i can't help but think that even though i completely humiliated myself for well over a year, i KNOW i got the better end of the deal.  i'm not the one giving blow jobs for crack.  
  Over heard in a restaraunt - shouting from their respective tables:  HE: "When you going to let me see my Son?"  SHE: "When you going to pay for my damn sandwich?"  
  in the zoo, our protagonist eats farts, sweats and dreams crack savoring each white morsel a modern man's turkish delight.  eying the fat wallets in the rear pockets of fat asses who lead fat crying children to see the seals  artichoke head, angry dreads lift like antennae at the passage of nose candy  the sex mad apes mount each other he sniffs at the whiteness of a polar bear  angry crying children in the reptile house  a wide eyed norman rockwell babe watches a lower ranking male chimp get no pussy whipped, he sulks on the tire swing  surfer kids on forced time with absent parents  ask the artichoke man "dude, you got any weeeed?"  get no response his sensors are open to only one transaction his internal radio set to one white frequency  ding-a-ling, bell on a zebraskin trolley and the good humor man on a golf cart comes bearing fish for the bear in ice and fruit for the apes and snow for artichoke head  gun lovers empty knowing of the criminality of our exhibit learn nothing, dream of bearskin rugs monkey paw paperweights and willing pack bearers in tropical climes  see themselves in khaki, in a howdah as the elephants brood against a plasterboard background and artichoke head avails himself of the payphone mext to the machine which makes waxen animals   I call a spade a spade says the man in the hat that says god guts and glory made america great  artichoke practices his three card monty on a bench shaped like a plastic smiling tiger clubs, aces whirl around the queen now you see it, now you don't  low-ball walks like a cat a forty in a wrinkled paper bag sings along to headphones  the rockwell babe feeds ducks bread sinking in the water a midget with a parasol walks by  god guts and glory is looking for his useless surfer children,  made soft by their mother  he thinks of fever quartantine in the war your isolated brain making patterns on bedsheets this fucking heat  when the kids are gone, glory goes home alone to  turn pages of hemingway and rimbaud and guns and ammo quinine water for you four parts gin, one tonic  two blocks up artichoke and lowball cook up an eight ball across an airshaft words are exchanged devils and flies sting glory in his sleep as he dreams of africa  lowball and artichoke sell poison to have a dream of suburban life, luxury cars kill babies, in amniotic sea sleeping and artichokes white tide invades them   save mumia, glory's kids are spraypainting on his tenement while they wait for their mother to take them back her too white nose even whiter after a trip to see the golfcart driver over a glass of scotch   glory is alone, without howdahs or elephant guns the city closes round him like the forest babel of foreign voices women nurse those fierce invalids home from hot climates he thinks walking into the chop suey palace eat chinese ,be polite  he never notices lowball pull his gun until it is too late   
  I was going to go shooting with Chris. Just can's and such. For my 18th birthday my dad gave me his S&W .357 Magnum Revolver, which he kept in his closet. So as chris is coming to get me, I go into my dads room, and into his closet to grab his gun and ammo. I turn on the closet light, and just freeze. In my dads closet, there's a dildo thats about 13 inches long with a 3 inch girth. Chris comes over, asks "Wheres the gun?" so I say "Come with me." Chris wasnt impressed, and I can't look at my dad the same way.  
  Did I tell you this?    My dogs were barking at certain species of nocturnal marsupial in our mulberry tree.  I fetched the ancient model of polearm and killed it.  Bloody.  Kinda made me sick at the time, but oh well.  The point being, if people lives were valued as low as possum lives are in the law, I'd hear the crunchy thumpy rib noise a lot lot more.    Have a nice day.  Your pal,         
  so after reading the post that queried "would you take it up the ass from a horse for world peace?" my buddy decided he'd consider it, if it meant he also got absolute power over the world.  he'd have all the men killed, but after bartering, he said i could stay alive as long as i got a sex change and became a latin chick with big tits (i'm a skinny white guy). then he starts getting all uppity, telling me i can only have women from certain places, and i'm like "fuck that dude, i'm the one losing my dick."  and he's like "hey, i'm the one getting butt-skewered by a HORSE." so we got into a big debate over which is worse, taking it in the ass from a horse, or having an involuntary sex change. i think the fact that we were both completely 100% sober during this entire conversation makes it that much more lowbrow, dont you think? we never resolved which was worse...  
  When I moved to L.A. I just needed a paycheck so I started working at a Suncoast video up at Universal Citywalk.  I'd been there a while and one New Year's Eve night I had to work.  I was quitting in three days, so I wanted to have some kind of fun.  One of the rocker kids that worked there gave me some shrooms the week before. I planned accordingly.  I ate some shrooms, got to work and immediately told the guy supervising NOT to put me on register.  I told him I couldn't explain, but he agreed. I spent the night walking around the store in a daze.  If I stood still, everything started moving like a lava lamp.   Someone asked me where a certain movie was, and I tried to look for it but all the videos started writhing like snakes.  I just said we didn't have it and they should go to the counter to order it. The rest of the night I would just glide around with a subtle grin on my face. I didn't bother going back for my last three days.  
  The other day, I park my car in a lot and get out.  The car next to me has 2 things on it's trunk: a Jesus fish and a bumper sticker that says, "wild one."  Now, explain to me exactly how wild you can get if you're THAT devoted to Jesus.    The lowbrow part: I sat on a bench on the edge of the lot and waited for 40 minutes pretending to read a book while I waited to see how wild this person was. It was a girl pushing her grandma in a wheelchair.  Boy, did I feel like a dick. Not because I waited, but because as soon as I saw her open the door, I jumped up and down and started pointing frantically. Let me tell you, never put off doing laundry just so you can laugh publicly at handicapped people, it doesn't go over well at all.   
  Man Whore: Day 1  My first day of massage work, I meet three guys.   The first just sits and talks with me for an hour.  The second actually wants a massage, then we lay in bed and chat.  The third gets "the works". I've had better, but I've also had worse, and didn't get paid for it.  I walked away with a couple hundred bucks and did less than I usually do for free on an average Friday night.  I think I'm going to like being a ho. I'll keep ya'll posted.  
  The location: Parents House, back yard The time: 2am The inebriation level: absolute The scene: I am telling everyone earlier in the night that I will finish my bottle of scotch in 30 minutes (didn't want to consume it too fast) - I do it - feeling pretty good. We light a fire as it's getting cold, then start being heroes by seeing who can jump over it - add more wood - jump higher. I then go troppo, my younger brother (a 260 pound bouncer) is trying to calm me down, but I race off down the street holding a flaming branch over my head screaming at the top of my lungs. The moment: Smacking into a light pole at warp factor nine and breaking my nose, knocking myself out.  My brother carries me home and drops me in bed - happily letting me know what happened the next day.  
  When I was in 8th grade, home ec was a mandatory class. The day that we had to prepare food for some teacher's banquet thing we were all sitting around one of the tables when someone started to put sugar in the milk set out for the teacher's coffee.   Being the immature eighth graders we were, we thought this was really cool and promptly joined in. This continued until one of the guys decided to spit in the milk. Also very cool.  Somehow the faculty that used the milk found out what this one kid had done and predictably freaked out. By the next day one of the teachers even claimed to have been seriously ill from its effects.   They gave the kid an extra two days of in school suspension instead of the one they were planning because of this teacher's illness. Not one of them even thought about the milk that had been left out at room temperature for the bulk of the day by the incompetent home ec teacher.  Being accomplices to the evil milk spitter, we couldn't point this out to them and it always bothered me that not one of them realized it on their own.  I mean come on, what's more likely to make you sick a little kid's spit or a large dose of spoiled milk?  
  I suffer from nice-guy syndrome hardcore. And I'm a girl.    
  A fleeting moment at the bar bathroom door.  She will soon know who left the vile odor and stains.   
  I was really lucky with masturbating. Ive never ever been caught once. But i have had some interesting results. I would draw in my younger years, and when you first hit puberty and realize how great porn is...you soon realize how expensive and annoying it is to get ahold of.(this was before full flung internet mind you) So i turn my artistic expertise to some work, and viola, there i am. Everything is fine until the day my mother comes from cleaning my room and asks me what this is. She pulls out my latest work. While im sitting there trying to explain why i even know about the things those girls are doing, let alone drawing them. My father walks up. "Look at what your sons drawing." she says. He looks, laughs his ass off. "Good job, I guess i'll take this." he says taking it and walking off. Off the hook i stopped making any more art for fear of it being caught, but id like to think my dad still has some of my best work sitting around somewhere maybe next to his playboys.  
  I am driving home from work with a friend. about a block away from our street we are stopped in traffic. I look out my window an notice this guy in only a towel walking out on to his porch picking up the paper or whatever.  So I turn back to my friend and say, "look at this guy, he's wearing only a towel and there's tons of traffic I mean what the hell..." my friend looks cringes and then quickly looks straight ahead all blushed... I forgot I had my window down and the naked tool heard all that I had to say and was waving to us... I just looked at my friend and said "hey I'm not the one on the porch naked what did he think? no one is going to notice?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm what I term "festively plump", and like most teenage girls, I have a body image problem. I also have DD/E cup tits.   My best friend and I came up with this little confidence booster I'd like to share. Every time we see some stick-thin, anorexic, absolutely fucking gorgeous girl whose body we'd kill to have, we look at each other, look down, point at our respective chests and yell, "Oh yeah? Well I'VE GOT BOOBS!!!"  Try it sometime. Now doesn't that make you feel better?  
  My mother and brother recently went to New Jersey to visit relatives.  The morning of the day they were coming back, my uncle, grandmother, mother and brother were sitting around the breakfast table watching my grandmother feed dog biscuits to her dog.  Twenty minutes later, they were sitting around the breakfast table sampling the dog biscuits, trying to identify the flavors, pointing out which tasted the most like what it was supposed to, and deciding which was the best overall.  That's my blood, y'all.  
  I'm funny.  I'm smart.  I have a six pack.  I have side burns.  why doesnt she want me?  She's such a silly goose.        
  A guy walks out of the bathroom, packing a soft-pack of cigarettes on thepalm of his right hand. "It's just like the airport, it flushes for you."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm 5'10" and I've never weighed more than 180 lbs in my life. I was on a trip with a friend of mine and we stopped for dinner at a bar & grill. The waitress was drop-dead gorgeous and flirty besides. I convinced her that I had lost 142 lbs in the past year. She was amazed and congratulated me, while my buddy did his best to keep from spewing beer through his nostrils.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            I work in a stodgy business office.  Today, an Elle Mcpherson lookalike came in braless and with a low cut blouse.  Man, that is sexual harrassment to me.  To come into a formal office dressed like a penthouse pet.  I ran into the bathroom and masturbated!     
  I tried having fish as pets. They just kept dying on me even though I used all the recommended stuff for the tank and everything. I finally drew the line and packed up my fish tank when they started commiting suicide. My last fish was kept on the kitchen counter next to the sink.......one day he just dissappeared out of his tank....I couldn't find him anywhere. A day went by and I went to do the dishes and there he was......he had jumped out of his tank and commited fishy suicide, landing on a plate in the sink.  
  ok, I was in marching band in highschool and we often watched video of our preformances to see what we looked like.  a student's parent would tape the show, and the whole band would watch it later that week.  Usually the same girl's dad taped every show, as he was one of those over-involved parents.  so we're all in the school cafeteria, watching on a big screen TV, with several smaller TVs set up so everyone can get a good look.  The show ends on a resounding chord, the end of our performance and the end of his recording that day.  The sound of our playing is cut off by passionate moaning.  He stupidass recorded our show over porn!!!  Our band teacher tried to stand in front of the bigscreen so we couldn't see, but everyone saw what it was on the other nearby TV sets.  A naked chick was showing off her big boobies long enough for us to all get a good look.  man, was that chick embarassed.  
  The one, solitary time I ever used a pick-up line, I was in Weggie's in Chinatown.  Chatting late into the night with a long-legged darkhaired beauty. I intrigued her with my encyclopaedic knowledge (like: "'Weggie's' is actually owned by a Chinese guy named Reggie -- it's a Chinese pronounciation pun")  Then the line:  "I've never used a pickup line before..."  She: " That's  a good one!"  She invites me home with her, yeah! I start imagining those long legs wrapped around ...  ... The only problem was that no way was I going to leave my motorcycle downtown overnight, so I followed her home on it, blasting along Storrow Drive trying to keep up with her.  It had been a warm November day, but by then it was down in the low 30's.  Shrinkage? George Costanza don't know   nuttin'   about shrinkage...   
  SO this guy is strutting around her, flailing and yelling and gesticulating for all the people on the sidewalk to notice. "Look at me, look at me", his behavior is screaming. She stands there, not really hearing the shit he is spewing and begins to make a face, like she is hurt. She's not of course, she's just playing her part in his massive-ego play for the sidewalkers. Then a quick switch and her eyes narrow at him. Whatever he just said, meaning it or not, he hit the mark. That "I'll kill you" look was unmistakable. She whispers something, he stops on a dime. "Wha?" he yells at her. She whispers again.  He cups his hand to ear and leans toward her, in his best vaudeville. She's got him, by the balls. Everyone staring freezes to hear what she just said that stopped his egomanical tirade. She pauses for a second long year and flips him off and walks away. People start fucking clapping! She struts off, all eyes on her, and doesn't even glance back. His little plan blew up in his face as people standing near him start chuckling. Tail between his legs he walks back into the convience store. I love watching the "Fuck-You- Dance", but that one was pure Broadway. I'm on Lexington, but you get the idea.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was watching cartoons tonight when my mom burst into the room, "Man, I had the best sex dream last night, but I can't for the life of me remember who it was about."  The horrified look on my face prompted her to cackle insanely to the point of tears for 5 minutes. Then she said, "Sorry, it's just the best thing that's happened all week." and went back to her room.  
  she asked me "so whats the one thing in life you've done that you regret more than anything?" pause ... the fact that when i decided to cut the shoulder length mop off my head 2 months ago i didn't tell the stylist to cut it short in the front and long in the back i regret never having a mullet honest!  
  The other day my 4 year old daughter was playing Blue's Clues on my wifes computer, when she was overheard saying "What the fuck is this".   My wife decided to interrogate her to see what other 'bad words' she knew. So she asks "Sabrina, what bad words do you know. It's ok, you can tell mommy"  So she proceeds fuck..... shit.... Windows.....  I'll be damned, she does listen to me.  
  I was at my girlfriends house, fooling around with her. After some fondling, she hikes up her skirt and leans against her wall. I fuck for a good 30 miutes before i hear her little brother wake up. The little kid wanders over and opens her door. As i turn to look i slip out and shoot my load all over her wet thighs. The little kid looks up with sleep i his eyes and says "daddy does that too"  To this day i still wonder what he meant  
  Quotes attributed to Sir Thomas Beecham:  While criticizing a cellist: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it."  On being asked if he had heard any Stockhausen: "No,but I believe I have trodden in some."  
  Whenever the ex and his wife and I are attending a family function, I have to squelch the desire to ask his wife if the ex is still a less-than-a-minute man.  
  There is a boy that I like.  The first one since my crazy ex-husband had a psychotic break and hit me.  I have known him for a few months, and it just hit me one day that I really really really like him.  Not love, cause I have no heart left for that.  So we get together and make out and he has found my g-spot(the only one ever to find aforementioned spot). And I give him head.  We hadn't slept together yet, but it was just a technicality.  We finally did, had sex, wonderful cervix hitting sex.  I couldn't orgasm because I was protecting my heart.  Stupid me.  Next day, we break up because he says he likes me as a friend, there is no real spark.  What the fuck is that about?   Now, I think about him and how pissed that I didn't have an orgasm.  And I want to go over to his house and demand an orgasm from him.  But I won't because of this stupid heart bullshit.  Silly me.  
  The people across the street and I were at war from day one, when they came over while I was unloading the car to let me know my choice of bumperstickers was "unacceptable" to them and to please remove them. Of course the relationship went downhill from there, especially since I had to call the cops on them every single Sunday when they'd hold impromptu revivals on the front lawn, drowning out my TV.  But finally I was moving to a better neighborhood. The day before I was to leave, they knocked on my door... the bratty child was selling Girl Scout cookies.  I asked if I had to pay in advance, because if that was so, I couldn't order any. She said no, since I was a neighbor it would be okay to wait until delivery. So I ordered 20 boxes. Moved the next day, no forwarding address. It's the little things that make us smile.  
  I officially ended the unofficial relationship.    She was away and I met someone much better suited to me.    Then we fucked in the shower.  I'm still not sure how that worked out.  I left her house to go over to the new one's to inform her that it had ended and that we could officially begin.  Of course then she asked if I fucked her.  Was it that obvious?  Of course I couldnt confess and couldnt outright lie.  "Does my dick taste like her?"  I asked.  After the blow job she looks at me and says,  "You're smart enough to shower"  
  Funniest, and yet most depressing thing my girlfriend has ever said to me:   "What do normal peoples' balls look like?"  Damn I love that girl.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just finished spankin the monkey. i feel better now.  
  I slow down when I ride my bike past the guys' lacrosse practice.  
  he wiped the blood off his top lip rubbed the top of his shoes on the back of his pantslegs and spit on the unconscious skinheads shiny bald pate  muttering just fucking touch that bum one more time fucker and you will die knowing full well that there would be no police investigation to this particular beating         
  A girlfriend once threw a glass of water at me just to see if she could get way with it. She could.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have been doing lots of work in the wood shop at school for a project.  While in there a made a  new friend.   One day, we were hanging out, and I was thinking about boosting his ego and giving him a complement.  I told him that I liked his forearms.  He promptly asked how I noticed his forearms.  I told him I noticed while he was shaving his wood.  On the tradegy of misunderstanding.  
  i once shot a guy with a paintball gun in the ass.   let me clarify: in the anus.  he put one of those Co2 whippet things in his painball gun, and said he was going to do an inward fart, or a defart, or an inverted fart. i dunno. alcohol was involved.  he forgot that a paintball was still in the chamber, and, since it was a big paintball gun and the trigger was far enough away from his ass, i lept forward, all of us grinning and laughing, and pulled the trigger.  they had to slice his anus like a fucking c-section. he was at the hospital for like a week, and then had to have an ass cushion for two months. he was fine after that, but he doesn't talk about asses or make farts jokes at all.  that guy fucking hates paintball now.  
  There is a fine line between genius and insanity.    Let's just say I leapfrogged right over that sucker.        
  A waiter at the restaurant looked like Boy George.  And ironically, I did really want to hurt him. I really wanted to make him cry. But only because he looked like Boy George.  
  so, after playing tyler durden for a week, i was about ready to shoot the first person whose fart smelled bad.  i had managed to get a table for 12 at the olive garden, which had turned out to be a backup to our backup plan.  i hate people, especially 2/3 of the people that i had to eat with.  pricks.  for example, the neanderthal sitting across from me opened his mouth.  the slut sitting next to him was preparing to open her legs.  but before she got the chance, volumes of self praise and grunts spewed forth from the neanderthal's gaping maw.  apparently, he was the most attractive man in the world (as most of you probably know), yet somehow, had been single for years!  since our waitress obviously wanted his nuts, and who wouldn't?!  i mean, he's 200 pounds of pure muscle and not a shred of personality, intelligence, or human decency.  shit, i'd do him if i wanted to kill myself.  so, this shallow bastard is appealing to the masses for approval of his stunning beauty and power.  meanwhile, the overused gash to his left wouldn't even fuck him with someone elses used snatch.    those two are perfect for each other    
  It was my freshman year of college. I finally get invited to a frat pary, get picked up by my ex's old roomie. Five guys making sure my cup is always full. Needless to say i get REALLY REALLY drunk. Some of the guys take me to the parkinglot across the street. I puke beer so pure, it foams when it hit the ground.   
  She walked through the dimly lit alley and on the other end a street. She went up to an apartment. She had this routine down. She knocked twice, and walked in. She pulled her pants down, bent over the couch. Here came Jimmy. He gives it to her up the rear, and then she leaves.         
  All I want is to find a nice normal guy, to have nice, normal sex with.  Nothing freaky and bizarre- No anal, and no golden showers and playing with poo.  No baby diaper wearing fetishes, or requests for me to put on a Catholic School Girl uniform and act like I'm only 12.  No S & M and You've Been A Bad Boy, You Need To Be Spanked...Lick My Stilleto Boots, Damn You...No animal fucking and no foreign objects being stuffed into orifices where no object should ever go. No requests for me to girl-on-girl with a blow up doll while he watches and wanks and videotapes the whole deal.  I mean, JUST NORMAL REGULAR NICE SEX, DAMMIT!!! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!?!?!?!     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Then there was the time I was driving down a dirt road on a warm Texas night. I was drinking my fifth beer of the evening and was going so fast that nothing was in focus, not even the road.  Suddenly, I was sober. It was like I woke up from a dream.  "How the hell did I get here?"  I slammed on the brakes, skidded to a stop and dropped the unfinished beer out the door. The road was so narrow that I had trouble turning around.  
  Another in a series of, at the time, new lows.   Went to a friend's house to record some songs on his 4 track. While we "worked" we had some beers and then busted out a bottle of johnny walker red, which was a new experience for me. Then another chap showed up with some weed. The whole thing went toxic when I was attempting to put down a guitar solo. I was advised to "play zen", to which i replied, "fuck zen". (this track, preserved for posterity, sounds like a recording of what would happen if a dog was tied to a guitar).  Upon announcing my departure, (after a little nap on the floor), i was offered a ride the ten blocks to my house, which i refused. The walk home was one of two times in my life where no matter how i tried, i was unable to walk straight enough to stay within the bounderies of the sidewalk.  After miraculously reaching my house, i decided to call my friend to let him know i made it. i didn't know his #, so i called 411, but mistakenly called 911.  i hung up after realizing my mistake, but got a call back ("did you just call 911?").   Woke up the next morning, on the floor, on my back, a brown, dried, vomit cascade forming a pool next to my head and all over my shirt. The front door was wide open, and the key to the lock was broken off (i assumed in the lock, but the next day i took the lock apart and the end of the key was not in it. Nor did i ever find it in any other location, strangely enough).   i cleaned myself off, and went to work (i made it on time).  it was the only time i called 911. It was accidental, but i almost needed it.      
  right.  so now that i know i can make myself come, i want to see someone else do it for me.          
  used to start drinking at 9...then 8...then 7. i told a friend it wasn't so bad since i didn't start drinking till 5-ish which is dinnertime. my friend replied "yeah, but you wake up at 5" shit.  
  The lobster party was at the Hollis' that year. Libby dissected her lobster instead of cooking it; pointed out all the key organs to the younger children. She probed with excitement. I was impressionable.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I work at the University of Texas at El Paso; a university well known for its geological department. Hence, our mascot "THE MINER". well, just recently everbody here at the office decided that to show school support or "spirit", as my boss and 13 year old cheerleaders like to call it, we were all going to make signs that had positive sayings on them about the university and/or our mascot. The fat secretaries made "GO MINERS GO" signs and hung them from the roof outside our office. Me? Well, i heard opportunity knock so i went to Kinko's and had them create a 60x40 poster of my supportive motto; I stapled it to the wall next to the Dean's office, everbody loved it.  And what did it say you might ask? There, in the halls of acadamia, in big orange letters with blue trim read my motto..."I LOVE MINERS"   
  The normal procedure:    Watch/read/look at/ogle porn online   Go to men's room, avoiding contact with supervisors   Take handicapped stall for maximum seating comfort   Wipe seat to free it of any splashed urine   Pull pants down, leaving boxers in place   Sit down   Grasp erection through boxers (for smoothest, most pleasurable sensation and lowest amount of friction, use soft cotton boxers)   (you know this part)   When climax approaches, slip head of tool out leg of boxer, spilling seed in toilet   Clean up, smoke a cig, whatever    The procedure today:   Complete steps 1-8 as above   While pulling pecker out boxer leg, get it caught up in folds of boxers   Ejaculate one massive squirt through boxers, letting it land on inner thigh   Finally get member uncaught, pull it out, deposit next two squirts on and around toilet paper roll   Say your favorite expletive   Finally aim wang in correct direction, finish pumping   Long, careful clean-up session   Go back to desk, disgruntled from not even being able to masturbate correctly   Open up IE, press ALT+D, type "lowbrow", press CTRL+Enter   (you know this part)      
  i have flu, but i've been looking forward to this concert for about a week, so i go anyway. i stay out of the pit for a while, i don't have the energy to jump around and be sweated all over by large black men.  i'm off to the side of the stage leaning against a wall and there's this 15 year old short, pudgy girl girl in front of me who feels it's necessary to sing along with all of the songs horribly out of pitch and move her hands in the air above her head like she's at a rave.  i sneezed all over the back of her head. this huge ball of snot was hanging off her temporarily dyed pink hair for the remainder of the set.  
  "Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!"   If it only worked that way, Grandma.  
  I worked in a waffle factory in high school. You wouldn't believe the people they have working there.   Never ever under any circumstances eat waffles unless you make them yourself. Believe me, I know where they came from and you'll thank me for it later.  
  I still cringe everytime I remember my mother asking me "Did he touch your boobies?"    such an innocent word. I mean, there are far more dirtier words to refer to breasts... but this is the only one of them that truely makes me feel dirty, to the extent of sickness.   It upsets me even more so because she would ask it about every male that I came into contact with, thus giving me an immediate and well-rooted distrusting nature towards men....  and I used to wonder where it came from..  
  In kindergarten, we were playing some game that I knew I had won, but the teacher was taking forever going around the room asking everyone how many points they had gotten.  I had to pee really badly, but I wanted my prize for winning, and if I went to the bathroom I would miss it.  So I tried to hold it, and eventually I couldn't hold it anymore, and I peed all over the floor, right in the middle of class in front of everyone.  I ran out of the room and they had to call my parents to bring me new clothes.  I was too humiliated to go back to class, so I just went home, and told people I had gotten sick.  
   the smell of burning flesh was unmistakable he looked both ways furtively sheepishly then quickly stuck his scorched tongue on the the near red hot glass of the camping lantern a second sizzling time  not before i caught him liking it      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         went to gosford park last night, at 1035 at amc arrowhead. becky really wanted to see it for months, but it was a huge disappointment, she said. murder mystery, and it took 1.5 hours for someone to get murdered. then they never really say who did it. 3 hours after we went in, we come out to find beckys car egged. security dude who had been there 3 years says thats only the second time its ever happened that hes heard of. probably because her license plate is WICAGRL. egg yolk is a bitch to clean off 24 hours later.  damned angry christian youth.  
  On my desk is a folded bandana I use.  It sits in front of my computer harddrive, and makes an excellent coaster.  It also has other uses as well.  Girlfriend comes over to my house just as I am finishing up on my computer.  See's bandana.  Picks up bandana.  Notices strange funky smell coming from it.  Puts to nose and has like a huge whiff, which isn't a good idea.  Her face contorts to something like she has smelt a room full of bloated decomposing bodies.  She starts to gag and throws down the bandana.  "My god!" she chokes out "Why does that smell so rank?"  "It's my spankerchief" I reply, being totally honest.  "Spankerchief??" she says, not getting it.  "Yeah... When I beat off to porn on the net, I use it to catch my errant semen discharge.  Means I don't have crusty shorts to clean"  Her face turns a different shade of pale and she bolts to the bathroom.  I hear dry retching in the back ground, followed by vomiting.  Hey she was all for being honest in a relationship before I told her that.  
  There is free high-speed internet at a local coffeehouse.  I lug my laptop ad wirless lan card there frequently and download MP3's for the DJ gigs that I do.  Never bought a CD in my life as a proessional..  Anyway, with nothing to do while it downloads I sip a mocha trying to make it last and look at the beautiful women.  Sometimes I also read.  At the coffeehouse, they work schedule is posted next to the espresso machine and I always make sure to come when the beautiful twins are working. I find myself captivated by the one that runs the register, and sometimes set myself up with a great view and just try not to get caught staring.  Today, I was not able to avert my eyes quikcly enough from her and she came over asking "Why are you staring at me?"  I was too stunned to make up a lie, and knew I had been caught so I told her simply, "Because I've never seen a woman as beautiful as yourself in my life."  Did you know a stack of coffee bags is stable enough to have sex on?  I'm living proof.    I wonder if I should try the same line on her sister.  After all, it'll still be true.  
  On I-95 on the way to Maine there' a sign for a truck stop that says:  Eat Here Get Gas  I should have listened to the warning...  
  my brother told me his girlfriend had given his cock the name Mr. Hopeful.  how fucken cute  so when I got home to my girl I thought about it while I gave it to her good.  when we were done I announced that from now on when talking about my cock she must address it as 'the Glorious Beast'.  she pissed herself  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've always wished I could blow myself. I've tried and tried and all I have to show for it is a bad back and a pinched nerve in my neck. If I'm ever successful I wonder if I'll swallow or spit? Note: I should have spelled successful   definitely more "lowbrow"  
  hmmmm... nothing like refilling your Zippo to the Max, then pouring a little squirt of fluid on the top, just for kicks.  The fun begins with the first person who asks you for a light.  
  Wiped work shoes clean of day old chicken guts and  with dish cloth.  Wiped cereal bowl free of old mouseshit and crusted remains of last meal using said cloth for morning cereal before work.    
  My neighbors kids are yelling at the top of their lungs while I try to sleep.  Mid summer, so the window are of course wide open.  Then the mother walks into the room and she too starts sceaming at the top of her lungs ot the kids.  Ironically, she is telling them to stop yelling.  So I join the proverbial "club" and start yelling at her to stop yelling at them to stop yelling.    I yell, "HEY!  TOOTHLESS CRACK WHORE!  PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF AND YOUR DAMN KIDS."  She replies, "What did you just call me?"  (me) "Toothless Crack Whore!"   (her) "Nobody calls me that and gets away with it!"  (me) "Oh, so you've been called that before?"  I never heard another peep out of her or her noisy ass kids.  They soon after moved out of the appartments.  For a week, when I walked out of my appartment, I was applauded.  Nobody like them at all.  lowbrow moment for her? i guess  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a good saturday afternoon is drinking cheap-ass midori sours on my apt. balcony, watching traffic, yelling "excelsior" at every passing car.  
        It's one thing to have goals.  For instance, my goals are to lose weight and get romantically involved with someone in three months.  That's OK.  Nothing wrong with that.  However...  It's another thing to name these goals "Project Girlfriend"  
  I couldn't go to school a couple days ago. I had a cold. I was so beat the only thing I could do except lie drooling on my pillow was go on the internet. After a few minutes I found a website that showed me how to make a bunch of different and unique drugs with legal stuff you can find in any local shopping center.  It's true what they say- the best lessons in life don't come from a school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She lives downstairs, and is the worst neighbor ever. Just accept that and let me get on with this.  Our neighborhood is overrun with both skunks and coyotes. I know this because frequently I see them in the middle of the night from my upper floor apartment.  So the night before I am gone for the weekend, I drop a pound of ground beef down onto her patio.  Skunks like ground beef. So do coyotes, but they'll eat skunk too.  Monday afternoon I come home and the neighborhood is a-buzz with the tales of horrid animal screams, guts and gore, and the unbelievable smell.  Did I mention she is in the habit of leaving the screen door ajar?  Sure, a trace of odor lingers, but it's a small price to pay.   
  Drunk at a party, my buddy stayed behind with this real mud pig.  I drove his piece-of-shit car home with a broken passenger window.  It was 17 degrees below zero. I nearly froze to death.  The next morning, we shot the car with a pistol and left it by a river.  
  Moment found in a fanfic, I was reading instead of bejewwling: Draco Malfoy: Well, Potter, we're here, I *think* we're queer, and I'd like to get on with it! ~puck~  
  Not Understanding the Concept #23:  Sterilizing the needle before administering a lethal injection.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I am 38 years old and I still play with GI Joe.  By the way, most of the buyers of GI Joe seem to be old guys like me  
  did you know that a cat's penis has spines on it so the female can't get away during intercorse?  I wish my cock was like that  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          At my highschool (probably every highschool) there are lots of drug deals. No matter how many times I see it, a bag of pot bigger than my fist always makes me wanna bust a nut.   One day, A few friends dropped by after picking up 2 ounces from some kid in town. After scaling it out in my room, my friend put it in his pocket and we went to the park to play hacky sack. After hacking for a while, my friends had an idea. We wrapped the weed up real good and started to play catch. We were running around and empty parking lot behind a warehouse, tossing a giant bag of pot, doing fancy, stoned shit like behind the back and over the shoulder catches. When one friend kicks the bag too hard, it opened and almost spilled its precious contense. We all ran for it in what seemed like stoned slow motion and luckily, no pot was harmed in the making of this lowbrow moment  
  So they say your life flashes before your eyes when you die.  The other night my friends and I decided that in a best case scenario what you get to see is a 2 hour montage (starting from when your very young) compiled of brief clips of every single time you stubbed your toe or smacked your head or fell down; burped in class, farted on busses, got caught playing with yourself ect. Interject a tender moment or two and set the whole thing to some allegro Bethoven like Bugs Bunny and I for one would at least die happy.  
  Okay. The votes are in. In a moment (an hour really) of pure and utter boredom between calls I conducted a survey to see who really DOES place the most posts on LowBrow. Thinking that hitting F5 continuously is pretty much as random as anything else, and then writing down the names and the amount of posts (not counting the times when for some reason you repeatedly get the last five ones you read, dammit), the results of my survey are: sorry_e_:     19 limbo:        11 stillbonging/ umcpong:       9 snikrepkire:   6 furry440iii:   5  xxx@mentor :   5 LaDeeFricking: 4 yellowwombat:  4 bootywaxa:     4    julian_zin:    3 john_clavis:   3 dr_strangelove:3  My nick didn't come up once. I dunno, maybe that's a good thing.      
  i spent all night and the early morning finishing that damned program, before falling into bed exhausted.  that morning my alarm went off, and i thought, "i hit the snooze bar."   i didn't actually get up and hit the snooze bar though, but i guess that was good enough, because i fell asleep again.   in my dream, i could still hear the alarm, and thought "damn, another error. too bad the program's due today. i don't have time to debug and recompile." (i have no idea why i thought i had to recompile the clock to stop the alarm...) and i woke up a bit, thinking of how my CS teacher was going to give me a bad grade for the alarm error. then i looked at the clock, realized that the snooze bar had not been hit, and actually got up and hit it.   then i went back to sleep for ten minutes, and woke up frustrated that i didn't have time to recompile again...  
  They moved me off site to one of the many shitty govt. building here on the base...it is nothing personal...as a programmer I keep poor hours and they think it hurts morale when you see one of you coworkers strolling in at 10am - lunch at 11:30 then home by 4pm...I work from home alot.  so my new home is infested...not with those tolarable insects either (ants, crickets, etc) but instead with BIG fucking cockroaches - the kind you could cultivate if you had a three story building that is over fifty years old that has been used for everything from offices to machine shops...and on top of that I sit in the god damn basement.  so while in the bathroom (where you see them the most) I see the cockroach time forgot...really big...maybe the size of a thumb or small penis.  I immediatly dump my big gulp in the toilet and scope the bastard up...take him back to my desk to show the recepionist but on my way I have a flash of insight...the shiny new building I was just evicted from was cockroach free...not anymore!  I am a cockroach rusteler!  
  I recall going to see "Showgirls", you know, that one movie with Elizabeth Berkeley (the only reason I know Elizabeth Berkeley's name, by the way) that's about 2/3s of a step below porn, in the theater when it came out, and I remember thinking:  Remember PeeWee Herman.  Remember PeeWee Herman.  Remember PeeWee Herman.  Remember PeeWee Herman.  Remember PeeWee Herman...  
  At work we wear shirts that have our name embroidered on them.  My name just happens to be Todd.  I took a really foul shit in the public bathroom on the first floor, and totally grossed the guy next to me out.  I looked in the toilet, before I flushed, and my shit was green.  When I was washing my hands in the mirror, I looked at the name on my uniform and it had folded over to just spell "odd"  I thought 'How did it know?'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to visit the emergency room three days after I dropped a full keg on my toe. I am a tiny woman.  I was so drunk I thought it was empty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         today a bunch of my friends and i got in a huge huge political argument it was getting really tense and mean so i decided that i should break everything up so i said "you guys, i have one thing to say that will end this whole thing and make everyone happy" they looked at me skepticly touch your sack, not iraq it worked  www.masterbateforpeace.com  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yep, my dad never stops being a hard-core fan... of something. Right after Football season ends the Dog shows begin."  
  I lay there unconscious next to my wife in bed one morning, when a sudden tremendous burst of flatulence did vibrate out of my ass.   The expulsion half woke me.  But before I could fall back into slumber, my wife reaches for the night stand. She picks up the the telephone receiver, and in a bleary voice says, "Hello?" I look over at her.  She was obviously confused at the dial tone she was hearing.   And then the realization hit me. She had answered my fart.  
  I love ice cream.  My favorite flavor of all time would be "Chocolate cherry mocha fudge chunk vanilla bean buttsex."   
   Typical Porn Store Interaction #5   Me: You've got a late fee of $4.00.  Scumbag Customer: No, I don't.  
  I was shopping at wal-mart one day for school supplies.  I was a junior in high school.  One of the items i purchased was a backpack.  A sudden thought hit me, and i proceeded to stuff the bag with assorted items.  I made my way to the checkout counter and where there should have been about 40 beeps, there was only one for the bag.  I love wal-mart.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting around a large conference table with about 15 other people (men - heh), we're participating in a teleconference. On voice, we have a gent from Michigan and one from Europe.  The facilitator had given us all nurf balls to throw at the other participants if we felt they were getting too wordy.  Said European voice in his heavy accent, "Perhaps we should re-think the ramifications of the actions we're discussing..." blah blah blah, yada yada yada... really talking too long AND expressing negative thoughts on a subject all of us faces had already agreed upon.  My co-worker stood up, aimed his nurf ball and threw it at the speakerphone dead-on.  After the facilitator was in control of himself, he politely told European voice that we would address that issue later and "Let's move on, shall we?" While we were quietly patting my co-worker on the back and saluting him.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         check this out said he as he extracted a three inch splinter from his bloody palm lunch revisted and found floor        
  My first kiss came from a perverted semi-outcast friend at our eighth grade dance.  He said, "Do you want a preview of what I'm going to do to you?"  And then he crammed his tongue down my throat.  It's amazing I didn't get me immediately to a nunnery.        
  Back when I was a kid, my dad was in the theatre and when he used to get back late at night, after a performance, he would raid the larder for whatever food he could find, and wash it down with a few whiskies.  My mother sometimes bought lights for the dog and cats to eat (lights are animal lungs, in case you didn't know) and she'd boil them up on the stove. The smell, whenever she did this, was indescribable.  So my dad stumbles down stairs after a particularly heavy night and said to my mum, "I didn't think much of that stew you left out for me. Did you forget the salt?" "What stew?" asked my mum, somewhat perplexed. Then she looked at the cooker and saw the pot with the lights in it sitting there.   
  I'm sitting in the lounge at Friday's with Kate, Shaun, and Bill.  Knowing Kate and I won't have to pay shit when the night is over, we go all out.  I think the order went something like two large Sam Adams summer ales (4 beers altogether), a twisted strawberry margarita, two Irish car bombs, three double tequila shots, some bigass blue fruity drink, and a liquid cocaine.  I puked twice in the parking lot, once on the floor in the car, once out the window, and twice in my driveway.  Shaun and Bill paid $75 each for the entire tab, only to see 1/4 of it regurgitated, in various places.  
  writing on sorrys computer in that form he loves so i sent him a list of the things hes written here and it freaked him into silence quite hermitudesque i mock him maybe oneday he ll be provoked into his raging blahblahblah as he calls it ive spent hours clicking to see his tales of fatboy and hear the sweet philosoph of drunks my native tongue sorry not        
  I heard his anguished moan as he woke up on the floor. Almost subconsciously, he felt around until he found a beer can. He picked it up and swished it around - empty. The second one wasn't and he promptly polished off the can of warm, stale beer left over from the previous evening.  That, I thought, is the essance of Spring Fling.  
  The trouble with orgys is that people naturally tend to pair off.  You end up with several couples going at it, but generally not much different than 1-on-1 sex...except that while you're screwing, you can watch the couple next to you, and the one on the couch, and so on.  For real group sex, a good-ole gangbang is the way to go. Of course, there is quite a lot of waiting around for your turn. And if you're on the receiving end, you're gonna have to expect sore holes in the morning...ain't no way around that.  Gangbangs are much easier to plan though, orgys have to be carefully balanced, and quality control (the general attractiveness of people involved) is much tougher.  I was considering all of this, and I realized that normal people just don't have these concerns. I wonder what they do for fun.  Probably surf the internet.  
  I live in a dorm.  Even though everything I've heard goes against it, I go to the bathroom barefoot.  I know, it's supposed to be bad news.  The way I figure it though, the acidity of the piss on the floor counter-acts the athletes foot from the shower.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         all's fair in love and war although hand grenades are generally reserved for the latter        
  it may be on my face, my shirt and be the overwhelming flavor in my mouth,   but it's on her couch and her carpet, so it's her vomit now  
  graffiti in the bathroom of the  wickenden pub in prov ri keny g is a stoopit dooshbad   
  Sometime in highschool there was this party.  My friend Mick and i showed up around 7:30 or so, and right away, this hideous chick started following him around like some lost puppy dog.  Don't know if she was drunk already or what the deal was but she really took after him.  I feel sorry  for her saying this now, but she was quite fugly.  Size of a cow, straggly red hair with split ends, really screwed up teeth and kinda had that `fat person smell'. Anyways, as the night went on, she kept following Mick around.  He'd go to this room, she'd goto  that room, he'd go outside, she'd go outside, he'd go try to hide in the bathroom, and she'd  *especially* follow him there.  She made such a presence around him he couldn't even think of trying to get busy with some other chick, which was why he went to parties in the first place.  He  probably could never distance himself from her for more than a few minutes the whole night.  I kept telling him `aw hell, just nail her, she might go away.' He'd usually respond with `naw, fuck that!  I wouldn't even touch her with YOUR dick'.  Nonetheless, as his brain started to bathe in the warm sudsiness of the keg contents, he'd  actually stop and think for a moment when i'd say that.  Close to midnight, he almost agreed with  me: `Are you going to clack her or what?  After all, that's what you came here for...' `I probably should' he said.. `not like i can get into any of the other chicks here.'  I'm guessing it was around 3:am, the party had nearly died- only us hardcore were still walking around the place with varying levels of success.  I found Mick in a back room, passed out on the floor. In an adjacent hall, there was the redhead, almost a pouty look on her face, as if she'd finally caught Mick in a dark, secluded place, only to find out that he was completely incapacitated. `Hey Homie!' I whispered to my other friend, `C'mon, i have an idea!'  We dragged the redhead and laid her next to Mick on the floor, and proceded to peel thier clothing off.  We went into the kitchen, searching for a can of tunafish.  It took a while (imagine two drunk fucks laughing thier asses off trying to go through someone else's cupboards)  A small puncture in the can and we were able to get enough of that rancid smelling broth out to rub all over his thighs, balls and the inside of his underwear.  We then posed the two of them together in some harmonious embrace...  The next morning, Homie and i awoke from the front yard, and Mick came walking out with an awful look on his face. Probably due to him being hungover as hell more than anything else.  He took one look at us, started to say something, and me and Homie just busted out laughing our asses off. `No!  Don't tell anyone!  I don't do chicks like her!  I don't need this kind of PR going around!' Mick  was nearly hysterical.  He always got the hottest women in bed, and we were luck to even get one or two of his throwaways every now and again.  This obviously bothered him.  We used this for blackmail for about two and a half years before it stopped bothering him.  To this day, he probably still thinks he borked that chick.  We are such fuckers.... heh  
  Since I'm at a school where we aren't allowed to have boys in the dorm, and my boyfriend lives far away, we have to come up with good places to have sex in public.. One of the best is down by a river, next to a road, where there is this litte hut with picnic tables and where homeless people sleep sometimes. Sex is definently fun sitting on your guys lap and having to scoot over about 2 feet every single time a car drives by so you won't get caught.  A quote from my boyfriend "You know, these are the times we'll look back on when we're like 40 and wish we could do again."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom said fuck in front of me for the first time ever in my entire life tonight.  "It always goes back to the fucking Real World."  I was just blown away, because she sounded so natural saying it, like she says it all the time, but I've never heard her say it before ever.    
  "The Christians and the Nazis had nothing in common!  Being both is just Off the Wall!" said my teacher.     I wanted to say, "Brainwashing?" even if i didn't mean it.         
  For some reason, my underwear is never cleaner than when I'm having regular anal sex.  Whenever I start seeing brown streaks in my tighty-whiteys I know its time to go get reamed.  Counter-intuitive, isn't it?  
  yeah so i'm at work and these two girls are asking why base and crack is bad. i said "don't smoke that shit" their response?  "it's not as bad as everything else we do" i said i wouldn't ask.  
  I'm at the age where, even though I'm getting sex regularly, it feels better to pee than to cum.  
  Quickstop. Just for my beer and cigarettes, but there's a cop there. I mean  right  there, loaded up with all his winter assault-weapon equipment, leaning on the wall. Checkout girl: "Have a good night. It's freezing out there! I'm freezing!" There are certain parts of the female anatomy that respond rather well to being cold, so I can tell that she's being serious. Me: "It's not cold in here! Hey, buddy, is it cold in here?" Directed towards the cop. But he's on his 'phone, with his hand on his holster. Me: "Oh, I guess he's busy. Why don't you turn up the heat a little? You wouldn't want to poke holes in that nice T-shirt after all, would you?" I pick up my beer, walk past the cop, being careful to not exhale, and I'm outa there. Life is good.  
  There was a guy in my dorm.  Nice guy. Not too academic, but determined. And he wanted to fit in too. So he sat with me and some friends of mine and did some bong hits of some killer kind that Fedex'ed to the east coast from Hawaii. We never saw him after that. His room was emptied next day. POOF! Just like that. Once in a while I still ask myself whether I should feel responsible.          
  I don't think any real etiquette exists for conversations in the john, but I was thoroughly freaked out by the old, shaggy white haired bastard that came into the bathroom as I was pissing at the urinal and as he unzipped said, "Hey what's up guy?"  Weird as hell.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you fill up small trash bags full of water and dropped them from ten stories it sounds like a gun going off. it also looks pretty cool.   
  Waiting for buses makes you start seeing things differently. Once while waiting for a bus (before the mass layoff) I was standing near two little Phillipino girls, who were probably around 15 but looked about 12. I started watching the traffic go by, and noticed that EVERY TIME a van drove past, the man (only men drive vans, women drive cars or SUV's) would rubber neck those two little girls so hard they must have chiropractors on retainer. Seriously.   Some men were born to drive vans. And if any of you bohunks drive a van, I'm onto you. Rancid sick van-driving fucks.  
  outside a shoprite i saw a guy smoking a cig through the hole in this throat while haivn a oxegen mask on his mouth.         life is that fucked up.  
  so says he to me im gonna submit a list of all of the people i like but have lost touch with and see if the email or maybe just people whom have pissed me off so i can finally get a last good shot in whoa         
  There is a word for the irrational fear of chickens.  That's right, it's "alektorophobia". Don't believe me?   Look it up, you bastard.  
  my mom has always told me to put things away when i am done playing with them. one when I was 4 (to young to know any better) I was done playing with the cat, so I shoved him in a plastic bag and put the bag in a drawer in a drawer. he lived, thankfully. now whenever anyone asks where the cat is, I say "I was done playing with him so i put him away".  
  After staying awake for about 50 hours, walking across town on a whim, successfully making and eating a pot pie for breakfast, stealing about 160 dollars worth of various merchandise, and attending a wake, I recently discovered a pimple square above my penis, buried in my pubes. Popping it was easily the most satisfying thing I've done all week.  
  15 yrs old ... at my best friends summer beach house with her and her folks. The weekend starts off well.. within 2 hours of arriving we have already broken into a neighboring beach house for alcohol, and found their stash of dope to boot. 5 hours later we have managed to "borrow'" her fathers keys to the yacht club and stolen money from the billard table. By dinner time we have hit the corner shop and stolen soft drinks (to mix with the stolen alcohol), lighters and cigarette papers (for the stash) and hairspray (because it was there). That night we sit there innocently with her parents, waiting for them to fall asleep. By 11 pm we are dressed and ready to hit the town - but for some reason I insist on stuffing out bed with pillows. We go out, getting wildly drunk and stoned, prick teasing the local guys, slagging off the local girls. 6am we sneak back in, crawl into bed and crash. 8 am her parents get a phonecall. Its my friends brother. The phone is in the same room as where we are sleeping. We hear my friends mother say "Someone rang us at 1 am last night...was it you? The girls didn't even budge when the phone rang...". To this day I have no idea why I insisted we stuff our beds with pillows... on the other hand we still don't know if her parents knew we crept out either...wouldn;t put it past her mother to toy with us like that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While people constantly talk about which sexual position is best..... no one has pondered the subject of, which is the worst? For my two cents, the worst position ever is the limp starfish, where she lies back, spreads put, and waits for it to happen. Its about as appetising ( and as stimulating ) as humping a log.        
        putting my ear onto a spit laden payphone...and kids laughing at me...  
  I must have the most contrary nature, but after reading about six posts on how horrid SUVs are, I just want to run right out and buy the biggest one I can find.  After that, I'd have to open a Starbuck's on every corner. That seems to be the hate-invoker number two.  Strange when success and the trappings thereof are more despised than shitting yourself in a public drunken frenzy.   
  just had sex with the new boyfriend, and came back to my dorm room so he can take a shower.  my roommate/best friend is talking to our friend from down the hall.  girl talk, girl stories, the same old shit.  i just now lied and said that no, we didn't just do IT, geez, it's too early!  we haven't even said "i love you".  good god.   that spermicidal lubricant dries funny.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was ready to end it before finals, but i didn't have the balls to break up with him.  i went back home that summer, and so did he.  i slept with practically the first three men i saw, and then i told him about it on the phone.  i was curious, what does one do when faced with an unfaithful girlfriend?  he cried and begged me to stop sleeping with these other guys.  i was surprised.  itold him i would stop, but i kept sleeping with one anyway.  Then I told him about it again.  it was like a sick psychological experiment.    it took us another month or so to break up for good.  Sometimes i wonder how he's doing.       
  There are two kinds of people in the world. People who are named Walter, and people who are not named Walter.  
  A woman looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face when I walked past her in my taps shoes.  Mustering up my best wit I told her: "See my cowboy moustache?  Well, it's illegal to wear spurs in this city so I wear taps instead."  Her reply: "What are spurs?"        
  (Not my moment -- one from the formerly esteemed Chuck Berry)  Articles included as evidence in his recent trial:  1) Several hours of video taken by cameras hidden  inside the bowls  of the ladies room at his club.   2) A video of a blonde and him doing various activities, followed by him saying something like "now here comes dinner" followed by her shitting in his mouth.  (Now, please no more e-mails complaining that I never post anything about shit)  
  So he says  "Yeah, she asked me for some crystal meth because she has a weight problem so i'm going to get it for her, cause ya know, I need to get laid and I figure what better way than to get her all fucked up and then take advantage of her. I mean, we'll both be happy in the end. She'll loose some weight and I'll get laid."  Yeah, thats a real win-win situation. She'll get a horible drug addiction and you;ll have sex with a drugged out fat Denny's employee.  
  she sat there utterly destroyed because the hilljackredneckarkansasjackass had left her  she went through the litany of ishouldas and icouldas and sat there looking into my eyes and in earnest shredding any sense of self esteem she had   i tried to understand and to somehow muster up enough empathy to tell her that things were going to be ok and that she was truely a good person   but   that jackass told me that she had performed the exact same ritual when i told her that i couldnt see her anymore   it was sickly sad in a pullthewingsoffafly kinda way   she only wanted a sympathy fuck   again just not that empathetic i guess     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was really sad to hear they were replacing the trains in New Orleans, because I know from experience that those are the perfect trains to vomit out of. Why else do you think they've been around 100 years?  
  Read a 'brow about a guy pulling a blade of grass outta his cats ass.  Almost identical story:  Our fluffy long-haired cat is walking around and we notice it's ass seems shinier than normal.  Must have caught something shiny in it's fur.  Upon closer inspection, nope, it's a single strand of tinsel, just sitting there.  My wife proceds to grab it and pull it out, it's longer than expected and the cat's tail, sticking straight up, twiches with every centimeter of tinsel.    We throw the tinsel out.  We find the cat fetching the tinsel from the garbage later on, and proceeds to eat it.  Again.  Guess it liked the tugging or something.  
  We had talked about it for years, and my friend's birthday seemed like a good as time as any to follow thru with our plan.   A sword, medals, jewelry, these were the treasures in store for us, but after a three mile hike thru the woods, the fear of getting caught, and of course the digging, we one by one succumbed to the temptation to quit.  When we returned in the morning the look of horror on our faces really masked the newly reinstilled satisfaction we now felt. For we had failed miserably at our goal, but we had succeeded in desecrating a Revolutionary War general's grave.  
  I used Xenical for a while.    They say that it may cause gas with an oily discharge.  Funny how you don't remember things like that until your pants are stained with a orngish grease that looks like it was sent from hell.  It's also funny how you don't remember that until  you've entered a farting contest with some buddies.  On the boat.  In the middle of the lake.  I won.  
  "I have a beauty spot piercing, otherwise known as a madonna. i needed a replacement ball in a hurry, having lost my normal one, couldn't find on in this damn town, it was 4:50pm and i was getting desperate. ducking into a very kitsch looking new age store i knew sold jewellry, i thought i'd try my luck there . . .  Airhead Chick in store: 'oh!! you have a Sara-Marie!!'   Me: 'a what?'   Chick: 'a Sara-Marie piercing! you know, a Sara-Marie? don't you watch Big Brother? oh, but i bet you had your's before all that, didn't you? i love seeing people with a Sara-Marie, i think it looks so good . . . '    turns out one of the characters on (australian) big brother has exactly the same piercing.    god i hate television. "  posted as a lowbrow moment.  I'm thinking a "madonna"? The stupid bitch doesn't even know it's a Marilyn. As in Marilyn Monroe?  Then I think, how fucking stupid is it of me to get indignant over some unknown person's ingorance over what the get shoved through their bodies?  That's pretty low.  
  I've been reading lowbrow quite a bit lately, and I've come across a few people who think it's funny to put telemarketers on hold, or just say ridiculous things to them over and over again, thinking "yeah, I'm cool, I got those telemarketers good!"   In reality however, I am a telemarketer, and trust me, we love every minute of your holds or long winded "jokes" because at my company, many of you know it as AT&T ;) we get paid commission for what is known as "call time" or the amount of time you can keep the customer on the phone. Thanks again guys!  
  "Man, I really have to go, I really have to go!"  So I get to the stall barely get my pants down and let the sonic blast go.  "AAAAAAAAhhhh!"  Sit there for a few minutes and enjoy the afterglow, then the moment begins. "Crap! There's no toilet paper!" In fact, "The whole damn dispenser is gone!" No wonder this one was so clean.  So picture this: public bathroom, pants around my knees, trying to move to the next stall without being seen, so I can wipe my shitty ass.  There is a moment for you, a Monday morning moment. Aaaaaahhh.  -Joe  
  Stocking capped, bearded, flanneled, he sat looking around as if he was outof place.  He was.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Several years ago I had sex with this really fat girl who is now married to a pedophile and has herpes.  All the years in between I have been getting mocked by my friends endlessly about this incident.  So we have made a deal.  If strip to my boxers, coat myself in cheese powder, and run around downtown screaming that I had been "flavour blasted" and getting people to lick me, I will never hear about the fat girl again.  I am seriously considering it.   
  the pain that welled up in the little girls eyes was palpable and she didn't bawl just teared as her mother savagely yelled at her about dropping her juice box a mistake this is how mistakes are treated  knowing the fate the girl faced all to well i gave the mother a fake business card i had made up for just such an occasion rage therapist she looked at me and blew a head vein  took as much of her rant as she had with a blank stare kid one asshole mom zip i smiled at her as i left there really isnt a school for parents should be should be mandatory       
  You know, vegans are tards.  I used to have a job cooking pizzas at a mom&pop eating establishment.  Some vegans ordered a pizza with no animal products.  They somehow didn't know that the dough was made with eggs.  And my pubic hair.  
  I was sitting in my car getting money from the drive up ATM.  Across the way in an office building I see a man through the window about 6 stories up.  Hes looking down at his desk doing his work. The first thing that I think is: "Quick...lean back in the seat, roll the window down, get his head lined up with the scope and take him out before he sees you".  Now I didnt have a gun or anything with me...but why did I think this?  
  I don't remember for certain who said this, but I think it was the founder of the Christian Coalition:  The only difference between a Spice Girls video and a porn flick is that the pornography has better music.  
  i was talking to my sister and picking my nose, and i turned around to leave the room.  then my elbow hit the door frame and shoved my finger further into my nose.  it started to bleed.  she started to laugh.  
  as i was joyfully lowbrowing for the first hour of work, minding my own business, the owner of my company suddenly walks into the room, and starts talking about he wants to split it up and take ppl out of it and stuff. usually i would not have been phased by it. but the fact i had like 5 IM windows open and the must putrid lowbrow moment right in the middle of screen which i just finished reading and was ABOUT to laugh uncontrollably at, really made me feel as if my job was in jeopardy. thankfuly it seemed as if he didn't even pay attention to what i was doing.   it was truly frightening though.  
  The little sign was carefully typeset, laminated, and attached to a little sharpened dowel. The little sharpened dowel was placed neatly in to the large dog turd.  It seems I have inadvertantly placed the entrance to my home in your dog's bathroom. Sorry.   
  Celebrating a friend's birthday on a wednesday night, I had that "fuck the world" attitude and I decided I was going to do some extra heavy drinking.  The birthday party was at a local pizza buffet joint and we even went so far as to get a cake to celebrate the occasion.  As with all birthdays, there was way too much cake and as drunk as I was, I thought it would be a good idea to try to finish it all myself.  Of course, by 11:30, I'm puking in my bathroom.  By 12:30, I pass out on my bed with the lights on.  Somewhere between 30 seconds and two hours after I laid down to go to sleep, I wake up with the intense desire to throw up again.  I look around the room and notice that I left the door to the bathroom open.  It's somewhere around 10 feet from my bed.  Then I start thinking about what I have to do at work tomorrow - No meetings until after noon, no other pressing deadlines.    So I just threw up on the comforter and washed it the next day.  It took two runs through the washer, but it was totally worth it.  
  We went to a diner for lunch before rehearsal.  Point of information: diner-lingo for "cancel" is 86.  J first thought she wanted the special (tuna salad) then changed her mind to the chicken club.  The little Asian girl behind the counter yelled "69 the tuna sandwich!".  I've never seen anyone blush that hard that fast in my life.      
  the other day one of those phone salespeople called my house. the sad part is that i talked to him for about an hour because i had nothing better to do...        
  It read:  --------------------------------------  ...  The other day I saw this huge pollution machine, SUV, with a bumper sticker that read:    "100% Smoke Free Austin"    I can't smoke my cigarettes in a resturaunt, but they can give me a healthy dose of Carbon Monoxide and Hydrocarbons.    I sez, Where's the logic in that?   -------------------------------------   Fucking hippy.   
   "do you want four or six?" the blond bartender with goofy glasses and a russian style fur hat said. "uhhh.... six, since it's 2 for 1, i guess." "i have a friend" she says, "who always says ' it's like twelve for the price of six!' HaaaHAhhaHAA."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I got up really late for rehearsal for a play the other day.  In the play, I play the very small part of a potential male prostitute who gets rejected by an escort service.  That's bad enough, but since I was running late, I had no time to shower or anything.  I threw on the same clothes I wore the day before, and ran out the door.  I realized on the walk that I hadn't even brushed my teeth, and my mouth tasted like the inside of a port-a-potty.  IT couldn't have smelled any pbetter.  So, I did the one thing I thought I could do to make it better. Menthol cigarette, anyone?  It did not help.  
  I had sex in the back of a porn shop once.  You know, in one of those booths you put quarters in.  I used to brag about it like it was the coolest place I had ever done it.  People never seemed to think it was cool though.  They just gave me that "Do you know how much spew are on the walls in there??" type faces.  I don't tell people about the porn shop fuck anymore. Sort of makes me wonder what I have to do to get appreciated as a whore these days.  
  It's the little details of the brows you guys put up here, like the guy who found two cigarette butts in his beer and didn't care, adding "Glad it was dark." So that no one would else would see this gross display and realize that he didn't give a shit. Makes me feel all warm and good inside.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Moby's lowbrow moment &#151; yes, Moby, vaunted musician, environmentalist and weird-ass, sort of born again Christian &#151; made his appearance on "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" my favorite episode ever: Moby keeps talking about how we all need to work together to save the world, love each other, bring about peace, stop killing animals, and so on and so on. Space Ghost starts saying over him, "No one cares, Moby. No one cares.: "No one cares, Moby. No one cares." Moby finally winds down, defeated, and mumbles, "I know."  
  I never knew why you weren't supposed to eat before swimming. Of course, I found out when I had a swimming class right after lunch in the 6th grade. Chunky gold french fry vomit all over the water. I still can't believe nobody saw me do it. In fact, I can't believe that nobody noticed until several people had swam through the thick small patch of yellow chunks. The rest of that class was cancelled and nobody ever knew it was me. Double whamy!  
  Years ago, a friend (female) and I visited an "after hours" club in downtown San Antonio. This was during the hippy era and the seating consisted of large pillows on the floor in a smoke filled room.  To my delight, one of the musicians playing that night/morning had been a best friend in high school whom I hadn't seen for a while.  After his brilliant trumpet playing performance, he sat next to me and we traded hopes and dreams and memories while holding hands. I knew he had a wonderful future before him because his talent was amazing.  Fast forward twenty years. I learned he'd moved to California and died of a drug overdose.  
  so i meet this chick on the hill and we   start to hook up. we go for a bite to   eat one night and after dinner, we were   so enraged with our hornyness that we   started going at it in the back seat.  while im licking her neck and kissing   face i felt like my nose was a little   runny.  i didnt think much of it but   moments later i stoped kissing her and  lifted my head up.  "holy Shit!" i said  i looked down at her and the whole left  side of her head was covered in blood,   as well as mine.  we started to clean   up the mess when i ask..  "do i have any blood on my face?"  she looked at me with a seductive smile  and licked the blood right off my face.  unbelievable...    she passed the test.   
  She was writhing on top of me, as my head was spinning.  She said, in a sultry voice "What do you really want right now?"   I moaned "Pizza."     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My parents took pictures of my heart-surgery scar.  I was about 4 years old and sprawled out on the couch naked above the waist.  The pictures look like child porn.  
  When I was in high school, I remember telling my entire drama class that some guys can ejaculate doing bench press.    If they didn't already think I was wierd enough, that certainly did.  
  I love it when I run and every step results in a fart. That's funny shit except when one comes out wet and that's unfunny shit.  
  if everybody who read and posted on this site just wore a lowbrow teeshirt, or possibly a little button that says lowbrow, at all times, then I probably wouldn't have so much trouble getting laid. maybe. actually on second though, no.  
   My car broke down just outside of Pocahontas, and a few minutes later a family pulled up in a large white car.  The father, in a cowboy hat, and his son, with Jesus on his belt buckle, asked me what was wrong.  I started muttering something about the car being old and maybe the gage doeesn't work and it just slowed down and surged and stopped.  He was my route to salvation, and all of a sudden I was scared.  I thought about them being part of a Jesus cult and trying to kidmap me, only I'm not a kid anymore, so I'm not sure why I was thinking that.  My car broke down.  These people were offering me help; a ride to the station, where they were going to pick up their car.  It seemed too coincidental and then I forgot that life's just like that sometimes.  And all the way here I was admiring the red white and blue flags, thinking about America and what those colors and stars and stripes are for.  The father was like Saint Jude, or Saint Christopher or (forgive me I'm not Catholic) an angel or something.  He told me to say these words:  "Jesus loves me.  God bless my life."  and then he and his son got back in their car and drove to the service station, where they told the mechanic about me and sent him back to pick me up in his truck.  This I found out after getting a ride from a policeman to the Powhattan Motel-Restaurant, with newly finished floors, for whatever it's worth.   Anyway it turns out, I was just out of gas.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Being a non-college student living in a college apartment building has its moments.  Like actually having money, for example.  But besides that, there's the blind innocence of people.  Across the hall are four gorgeous teenage girls.  One manages to lock herself out one evening when she went to get her laundry, and the others aren't home.  She asks to use my phone, so I give her my cell.  She walks outside, leaving her laundry basket under my care as I try my hand at bypassing the lock.  Now, I'm not normally THAT filthy a pervert, but the urge to rub my face in whosever laundry she was carrying was incredibly strong.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I must have missed a bit of night cream rushing to class. Boy, did my professor blush.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Barhopping in downtown Atlanta and I'm a few feet behind him.  All of a sudden a car flys around the corner and hits him.  He kinda rolls up on the hood. The car slows down a little bit and the driver sticks his head out the window "What the f**k are you doing?  Get the f**k off my car!!!" followed by a string of profanities. Hits his breaks just enough to let him roll off and speeds away. He stands up and we laugh.   
  "Holiday cheer" . . . fuck it.   I've got "round-the-year cheer," and it's called cherry Nyquil.   
  the stretch limo -- one, two, three, four, five windows, each laced with little lights -- neared the comedy club slowly. two girls emerged from the skylight, first the frosted hair, then the kohl-smeared eyes, then the mouths, which were by this time only coated with rings of lipstick around the mouth's outer edges, then a bottle of champagne, then almost-matching black satin bustlines. the bustline of the girl on the left dipped slightly further than her friend's -- clearly, she had spent the extra cash for the push-up bra.   "1998!!!" they screamed in unison, collapsing into a fit of giggles.   the limo stopped. they descended. a beat, and then they were out of the car and on their way into the club, makeup repaired, fuzzy navels waiting.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  this is not my moment but my best friend's he just got a new car, a '85 blazer and to check out all the accessories he tries the cigarette lighter, after it pops out he pulls it out and looks at it.  not bright glowing red, so he touches it...and burns his finger after screaming obscenities he shows his girlfriend what he did by promptly demonstrating his idiocy and touching it again  fucking idiot  
  My nephew just got out of the bath and hadn't yet gotten dressed. I laid down on the floor to help my back and closed my eyes, quite comfortable. When I opened them back up, my nephew is standing over me with his 4 year old peter wagging in my face.  
  Wake up. Get dressed. Munch on dry cereal and chew(drink?) a soggy banana. Go to school, get yelled at. Go home, get drunk (alone, as always), vomit. Brush teeth to get that damn "already-been-down-once" vodka taste out of my mouth. Check lowbrow. Sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. How many times before I snap?  
  I tripped hard. It was Greatful Dead blotter. It was deep and hard to follow. I tried to call my girlfriend several times, but I couldn't figure out how to use a telephone. I finally understood the concept somewhat and managed to dial her number, but forgot what to say on a telephone. It was a foreign object that I was perplexed by. I finally said, "Come get me" several times until I heard her voice say, "Where are you?". I could not respond for several seconds, and then finally told her I didn't know (I was at Jack's, my best friend and drummer's house). I could not tell her where I was. Somehow she figured it out. By that time, I was lost in deep woods across the street from Jack's house, thinking I would never make it out. Some how, she found me and led me to the car. In the car was our friend Brad who had been concerned enough to come along. I got in the car and wondered how ANYONE could drive a car. It appeared to be far beyond my capabilities.  I went home and took 3 blue valiums. Soon I was feeling very relaxed and seeing some beautiful colors.  The next day was the Veterans Day Parade on Boylston. I stumbled from my Beacon Street apt to the parade, wearing the same clothing I had on the night before. My friends said I either laughed or looked like "Harry" from Third Rock during the parade.  Then I went back to the woods I was lost in the night before. It was a strip of trees about 6 trees wide and 10 trees long. Small trees.  I feel I am a more humble person as a result of my experience. Sanity is a fragile state that I appreciate.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If a dog's nose is a thousand times more sensitive than man's, why do they always sniff piles of dogshit they pass?  
  My neighbors 19 year old uneducated, unemployable, slut daughter got married to some guy just out of Air Force boot camp. They met in a tattoo parlor and "dated" for a month. He got transferred out west. Here it is 5 1/2 months later and her stupid parents have gone to get her because, to quote her mom, "...he only likes to do her from behind. That way he doesn't have to look at her." Her mom told me and my wife that shit....and they are surprised that the marriage isn't working.  Holy crap I live next door to fucking white trash.  
   Meeting Ithaca women through the personals  Sue 1st   She said she'd been left by her husband a month ago.  Turns out it'd only been 4 days.  She wrote me a really funny poem where every line rhymed.  ...  Is he for real, or an imposter?  Am I alone, or part of a roster?   ...  First night I stayed over, I got up to pee in the middle of the night.  When I got back to bed, she freaked that her daughter might have woken up and seen me, so she threw me out right there and then.  
  By far, hands down, the funniest sound I've ever created had to be my dad slipping in the shower, screaming "SHIT", grabbing the shower curtain, breaking the shower curtain, the unmistakable "THUD" of body meeting tub, and the cherry on top- the pain induced groan that followed.  Just a reminder- be careful next time you go for the soap.     
  I'm playing scabble with my roomate, and I let out a long and loud fart, somewhat wet sounding. I laugh about it and then continue to play.  When I finally get up, I realize that there is a giant wet spot on the seat I was sitting on.  I went to the bathroom and proceeded to squirt out pure oil for a few moments and then have a bought of diarrhea. I then thought back on what the hell caused this.  The day before my roomate had gotten a deep frier.  I tried to cook some fried catfish but I'm a fucking idiot sometimes and I used flower only and no cornmeal.  It was bascially saturated with some nasty oil.  Apparently my body didn't like it to much.  The most lowbrow of this whole affair? The chair I was sitting on was a great vintage reclining rocking vibrating chair made out of vinyl. The shit oil discolored it permanently and ruined it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was reading a moment on here when I saw "better than a John Hughes movie"   I said to myself, "Hey we have a professor here named John Hughes. I've had several classes with him and never realized that there was a film person with the same name.   So I looked it up. I realized how much of an uncultured swine I am when I saw his filmograhpy.   
  While house sitting for my mother I found a video casset under the TV stand. Thinking it was a porno I poped it into the VCR. It was a porno, a porno of my mother masturbating. I never put an unlabled video casset into a VCR again.   
  What has more sub-genres? Porn, or Heavy Metal?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my bag, I keep tools for my bicycle. I rode to the courthouse to get a criminal background check and the closest area I could lock the bike up was a five minute's walk away. I needed the check done fast, because I was due at an interview in fifteen minutes.  I drop my bag on the x-ray belt and it goes through okay. I'm headed for the elevator and they call me back.  "Wait, sir. Is that a screwdriver?"  It is.  "You can't take that in there."  Right. Can you hold it for me out here?  "If we do, it becomes property of the city and I can't legally give it back to you."  Can I just stick it somewhere outside?  "It's not allowed on city property."  I don't have time for this. Just take the fucking screwdriver.  She's probably at home right now, tightening screws and cackling.  Bitch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Apparently the people who dress up as the characters at Disney Land are instructed NEVER to take their character's heads off in public EVER so as to avoid forcing some ankle-biter to watch Mickey take his head off.  Anyway, new employees actually have to go to a workshop to learn how to cope when they vomit in to the head because of the intense heat.  Happiest place on earth, my ass.  
  A friend of mine once told me this great story: "When I was about 8 years old my dad had to go into the hospital because he had a kidney stone.  As luck would have it, he got to share a room with Sparky Anderson.  So when we went to visit my dad I got to meet Sparky Anderson!  I'll never forget what he said to me.  He said 'Your dad is a really brave man. Do you know why?'  I said 'no,' and he said to me, 'Well, do you like football?'  I nodded.  'Well, just imagine having a football come out of your DICK!'"  
  I was fixing her computer - she was being her usual feisty self.  Me: "I sure wish I had met you 13 years ago..."  Her: "Back when I was young and beautiful?"  Me: "Yeah, before I got married the first time."  Her: "Because you wish you had married me instead?"  Me: "No, because I would have realized how evil women are and completely avoided them at all costs, thereby saving me the agony of an 8 year marriage from hell."  Her: "Fuck you asshole..."  
  She's giving me a hand-job when her cell phone suddenly rings. Without skipping a beat, she answers it.  She says, "Hi ... I'm fine ... just at a friend's house ... yeah, I'm having fun ... ok, talk to you later." Click. She's still jerking me off.  "Who was that?" I ask.  She replies, "My boyfriend."  
  It sounds like I'm going to get laid off from my job. It may be as late as next summer or as early as Christmas; I'm not sure.  Looking at the big picture though, bankruptcy doesn't seem all that bad.   It'd take me more than 7 years to pay everything off the "honest" way.  Bankruptcy. "Baaaank-ruPT-cee." It's got a nice ring to it.  
  I think it would be cool if I could work out some kind of deal where I can become a guy for a day.  First order of business:  whacking off.  
  I like to sit in chatrooms with geeky people who talk about geeky things, like their "mysql servers" and "halflife mods" and "linux bawxes" and such, and just randomly spit out stuff like "I like poptarts." or "Kittens sure are cute."  Sometimes they don't even notice me, and sometimes the thread of their in depth techie conversation gets completely switched over to s'more flavored pop tarts. It makes me feel powerful.  
  Pleather---one of the world's joys.  Along with mullets, pleather is just one of those things. You either wear it and love it and could never POSSIBLY think of anything wrong with it, or you're like me and love to hate it. I laugh at those things everytime I see them, and I laugh because they're so ridiculous...but my life would be a little less funny without them.  
   awwwww Brad Pitt, awwww Val Kilmer.....  So many females fawn and pant. How many of these objects of desire have burned in the hell that is war. How many have thrown away their futures to save a friend.   How noble and useless they all are.  And super models can all go to hell too.        
  I shouted over the fires, "baby, this is your last chance, last chance for love, last chance to laugh."  She looked at me like the conceted bitch she was and laughed.  she laughed a horrible laugh that coincided with the mustard she had spilled on her shirt whilst eating a three foot long foot long.  Her name was Ray, mine was Donaviseci at the time, and we rode and rode away from the flames, flames of hatred, flames of jealousy, and my Sister Ray just couldn't find the time time.  She was too busy sucking on a ding dong.  
  I was recently surprised to learn that I am not the only person in my demographic group who enjoys using Gold Bond Medicated Powder purely for recreation.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         j-pop ate my brain.  
  my friend was really drunk one night. and he was getting really hungry on the way home. its been 4 years since then, and he still says that his strawberry chapstick tasted good.   - the_hsok@hotmail.com    Let me tell you now that chapsticks my taste nice.  But just wait till they hit your stomach. They give you diarrhea.... but not just any diarrhea. You crap will come out of your ass so fast and so waxy that you don't need toilet paper.    
  "You're on, let's take this outside bitch!"  I bet Eduardo the drunk Mexican that I could take a bigger shit than he could. The crowd followed us outside where we each perched upon seperate empty coffee cans.  I let loose a ravaging shit, quickly reaching the halfway mark. Eduardo was painfully squirming away atop the Folgers can.  I continued my efforts, slowly losing feeling in my legs. Eduardo is tipping over due to the obvious inebriation.  I look down, and see that I am spent. No more poo for me.   I sheepishly look over, and see Eduardo passed out, laying on the ground, shitting all over himself...and not in the can.  He did have a larger poo, but, he did not dispose in the can, thus, not being able to be measured.  I win due to disqualification.  Damn you Eduardo, next time, shit like a man.    
   We sat down beneath a gum tree on Cairn's seafront. Ending a magical day watching the boats sailing in after a day on the barrier reef. An Aboriginal strolled up and crouched down on the grass in front of us, and had a crap!       
  robitussin + tastykakes  my dinner  
  Anyone else sick of masturbation?  Male translation: "I'm ready for a commitment"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wanna live with a redneck for a while just so I can say,  "Bubba! Go put on your pants! Company's comin'!!"   
  I've once again missed the boat. Now that I have the finances to afford decent pharmacy recreation, I no longer know anyone who could hook me up. I have to go to the doctor and lie convincingly to get a vague hint of anything entertainingly druglike.  Fortunately, my doctor is a very gullible old man, and of course, vodka is a lovely back-up plan. I guess if I'd had the money back when I knew the right people, I'd be dead by now. But damn, I'd look good.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From an article about Nancy Reagan's campaigning (directly against Dubya's wishes) for embryonic stem-cell research, which may hold the cure for Alzheimer's: "A Republican legislator recently told Michael Deaver, a Reagan adviser and confidant, that some conservatives contend that Ronald Reagan would never have approved of embryonic stem cell research. Mr. Deaver said he retorted, 'Ronald Reagan didn't have to take care of Ronald Reagan for the last 10 years.'"  
  Sitting, again, in a cheap restaurant.   Sitting across from me at the dirty  Taco Bell table is my Girlfriend, Ive been spending a lot of time with her lately.  We were eating tacos, me getting food poisoning, and like always I find out later when it shoots out my ass.  Anyways, back to the story, so we're eating tacos, me a #1 her a #9 and we peel the things off our cup, the little games pieces, contest thingy.  Of course mine is, PLAY AGAIN!!! and like always, she wins a fucking taco, and Im getting too sick to eat it. Damn poison rules.  So she gets her taco, and we sit there.  Enjoying the small window view.  And as we sit, I kinda wander off, until, as she's eating, she chimes in with her little acented voice: "Look, the birds are on top of each other,heehee!"  And of course, there, right there,  are two birds, and as she squeels"watch! Watch!"   The first bird starts to fuck the other bird. "see See!" And as always I say what I think: "Maybe it's a sign?" "A sign of what?" "maybe I should fuck you in the ass?" I got a little giggly slap and a big wet kiss. Dana is a wonderful girl.  
   atiny sound and she stalled conversationlists blather with her whisper  she stoically claimed  hear that that little scrittityscrathing sound thats all thats left of your fucking conscience youve whored and lied and cheated and stole and were proud about more often than not  and now that feeble little conscience hasnt the strength to tell you any more and so will watch you go down the karmic toilet singing tv jingles while all you dream about is more fucking money whether you wanna hear it or not you pollute us as a species  and walked away from the gq cosmowannabees somebody clapped with me        
  Do you know that there's another kind of panda? It's called the Lesser Panda. It must be so bitter. How would you like to be called the Lesser Panda? That's like naming it the Worthless, Fat and Ugly Panda. Poor Lesser Panda.  It's a sad, sad panda.  
  I just gave myself a masturbation injury not invovling my dick or my hand. Somehow I managed to strain my neck and now I have lost most range of motion.   Remember those taco bell comercials with the "taco neck" where the guy's neck is tilted to the left from eating to many tacos? Well thats me. Can't look up, down, or right. I hope it gets better before I have to go to work in two hours.  
      I eat at McDonald's everywhere:  Japan, Switzerland, Austria, France, Belgium, Liechtenstein. Canada, etc.  The funny thing is that a big mac is a big mac whether you are in Chicago or Triesen, Liechtenstein.     
  So he said, "If there are no Christians in hell, then it must be a pretty nice place..."   I had to agree...  
  I got arrested once at work.  I wrote "Hello Big Brother" on  a sticky note and placed it  over the lens of a security camera.  The off-duty cop did not see  the humor in this, and charged me with "mischief."  Like I was some kind of elf.  
  I have sleep problems, basically, I dont sleep very well, and cant get to sleep in the first place. So, I went to the doctor, and he told me that instead of giving me medication, that I shouldnt worry too much about it, and, instead, when I cant sleep, just get out of bed and do something productive, and go to sleep when I felt tired. And, now, I find myself chopping and bagging some weed while not sleeping... I see this as productive, as it stops me having to do it when I'm off my face... I can just pack and toke.  
  I slept in a parking space one night. I used that concrete bumper-thingy at the end as a pillow. They're softer than they look.        
  Moment #4  During the summer i was rear ended.  Before i took my car in to be fixed, the muffler gave out, and started making a world of noise.    I had a lot of fun with that.  Jennifer Granholm, michigan candidate for governor, came to yesterdog, before the primary to give a speech.  There was a lot of extreme political supporters there.  I eased my way into the crowd.  Then i revved my engine.  The looks were priceless.  
  A few guests continued drinking after the party's man of honor had begged off with a headache or some such.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I hate telemarketers  AT&T Lady: Hi, I'm with AT&T, how are you today?  Me: Gah you've already called like 4 times today  AT&T Lady: So you've heard our plans?  Me: Yes.  AT&T Lady: Well?  What don't you like about them?  Me: I have no interest in them.  Not interested!  AT&T Lady: You don't like saving money?!?  Me: No, i like to burn money, in fact i got 2 hookers and 3 8-balls to go take care of.  AT&T Lady: If you have that kind of money you should be sending it to starving children in India!  Me: But...then where will i get my blow?  AT&T Lady: ...(3 second pause)...have a nice day sir.    Take that, fuckers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I am reading the bible with my kid the other day. To paraphrase what I learned from what is written:   Abraham was getting his leg over. So much so that he was boning Sarah until she was 100 years old.  His son Jacob, was getting it every way 'til Tuesday - He married two sisters (got tricked into it but didn't protest to loudly). They were both modern and let him fuck their maidservants. So as far as one can tell he was getting laid continiously by all four - though probably not all at once.  Fine. Twelve sons later produced by all four partners, we have the twelve tribes of Israel.  Fast forward to modern times. How the fuck did we degenerate from a quite happy and amicable situation of blissful polygamy to one where highly strung republicans' answer to everything is abstinence and "just say no"?  Go figure....    
  last night i rolled one of the biggest j's ive ever rolled.  it was gorgeous, using a zig 1 and a half, i created something that looked like a short stout tampon.  smoked half of it myself, and the rest of it with my girlfriend and friend, who were consequently thoroughly baked.  i dont know why it felt so good to roll it, but the sense of achievement washing over my body at that moment made me feel like a macho man...  
  they say disney world is the happiest place on earth but i disagree. i went there and let me tell you the rides sucked there were way too may kids running loose and parents refusing to control them and to make matters even worse i got food poisoning and spent two days puking all over the park. happiest place on earth my ass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so tonight i decided i was gonna buy beers for the first time, using my newly aquired fake id.  this thing is amazing.. it scans everywhere, and it's my actual picture.  i stroll into cumberland farms, the lady at the counter is wrinkled and looks like she's been to hell amd back.  i head towards the refridgerator and try to remember whether or not my friend wanted budweiser or coronas.  well, the budweisers are on sale, a 30 rack for 16.99.. why the hell not, right?  as i stumble up to the counter, the damn 30 weighing my five foot one frame down, i'm ready.  "can i see an id?"  "sure", i say, with the slickness of a piece of god damn sandpaper.  hand shaky, i put the id up on the counter and try and act cool.  "thank you" she says, and rings in the sale.  no lady, thank you.  i think next time i'll have the balls to hit up an liquor store instead of a sketchy gas station quicky mart with 16.99 30 racks of "GO PATS" bud, which i realize have probably been there since last year's superbowl.  
  So Im cleaning our bedroom when I notice a dirty tshirt halfway under the bed. Yeah well....picking it up was the worst thing I could do. I shoulda left it where it was. The shirt was stiff in certain areas and had a stanky smell to it. So I ask my boyfriend where he had wore the shirt. He casually says to me....."I don't wear it, I use it to jack off in when your not home".  Niiice  
  I failed a calculus test earlier today because I stay up too late.  After returning to my computer after a 15 minute blackhead hunt 'n pop in front of the full length mirror, wearing only crotch-rotted running shorts, I return to the freezing cold of this cell and ineffectively hit on the lowbrow pipe, seeing as the 15 hour download of a rape anime failed, uninteresting now.  It's now 2:40 in the morning and I am downloading some extreme S&M instead, while munching on tame venison jerky.  Download complete.        
  Creative Swearing 101  I turned to him and said, "Suck a fat, greasy turd out of a rabbid dog's shit-encrusted asshole!"  He went blanched and promptly ran for the bathroom, his shoulders heaving in the classic, "hurk.. hurk.." motion of someone getting ready to do the Technicolor yawn. I laughed darkly.  
  seems a good day for retorts  sorrier dear fellow your view of quote hero edquote needs revision and you understanding of bragging vs wallowing is suspect no offense meant unlike your comment but if you met the sorry bastard bragging and hero are words that do not define and furthermore a person in a bar with a drink does not constitute a drunk or have you become one of the neofascist uber x ers who believe all is evil except for tofu questionmark shake the claws of the media malaise dear fellow the bitch has got you pinned one two elipses        
  The other day, I went to take a dump, this was at home after work luckily... anyway, i start shi$ting and the damn thing won't break off.  So there i am clinching and sqeezing but it still won't break.  As I stand up, i notice that I sat on my shirt tail and had neatly laid a nice pile on the back of my shirt.  It promptly fell on the edge of the seat of course.  Made one hell of a mess!  Anyway...  who doesn't enjoy a nice shit story every now and then!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I find it hard to believe that people actually have mullets.  I'm in awe of them. i don't think I'm alone in this. There are countless websites devoted to mullet watching.   At my job we sell a set of refrigerator magnets that show the main 5 styles of mullets.  My manager has a pretty bad mullet, but I don't think she knows it.  She went on and on about how funny and great the magnets are.  We all looked at eachother really confused.  Does she really not know?  
  I awoke to the noises of people talking somewhere.  They hurt my head so bad and i was wet all over. Oh yeah,That was the night i drank a bottle of Absolute Vodka and awoke in the bottom of a basement of somwhere on campus with a flashlight shined in my eyes.  Do you know where you are?  The man with the flash light asked. I not understanding at the moment grinned stupidly back, so he repeated the question. I then noticed that this man was a policeman.  Looking around my self i noticed a pool of blood and stairs. So i answered back "teXAS?" Immediately they rushed me to the hospital where i was informed that i had fallen down the stairs of my dorm and knocked myself unconcious only to awake in the hands of the law.  Boy college is ruff.  
  In the seventies, there was a bad called the "O'Jays". One of their hits was a song called "Backstabbers."  It's irony on a base level, but I enjoy it.  
  In my "mistake-making days," I had a system. I used the blue toilet water to gauge when to call it quits for the night.  Every guy enjoys turning the blue water green when they pee. Any guy that denies that is a liar. When I got to the point where I could turn it completely YELLOW, it was time to stop drinking.  More impressively, though, was when I could turn it completely CLEAR. That was when it was time to stop refilling the bong.  
  A really, really nice person asked me today what I'd do if an airplane I was on was being hijacked. I replied that I'd start masturbating. Sure, it's not original at all, everyone who's seen Mallrats knows this. But they won't let you take guns and knives on planes anymore, so what else am I gonna do? At any rate, this person looked at me really shocked and said "I'd be praying for you along with everyone else."   
    every piece of furniture i own i found in the trash. well... it is new york city. dumpsters like shopping malls.      
  Whenever a bum asks me for money, I always make them "earn" it. They usually tell a bad joke, sing a song, something like that. Then I give them a dollar or two.   Today a bum did a scene from "Macbeth" for me.  I gave him $30.00.  
   Dear Diary,  Hot dog for lunch. Pork chop for dinner.  
  Me and some friends were playing renegade paintball out in the middle of nowhere. I was digging a trench with another kid. We wanted to hide in the trench. After we had dug down about two feet, I found a woman's licence. she was from conneticut.  Now, what is a woman from conneticuit's licence doing buried two feet underground in the middle of nowhere?  Yea, we stopped digging before we found the rest of her.  We're gonna take her picture out and use it to buy gin.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife once went to a clothing store and pulled about 50 outfits into the dressing room. She tried them all on, picked out about 2 that she liked and left the other 48 crumpled on the floor.   As we were leaving, I heard one of the clerks scream, "What the fuck??? Who did this??? Goddamn assholes!!!!"  A week later, there was a sign that said "Limit 3 items in dressing room at one time."  It kind of turns me on that my wife was responsible for that...  
  the holland bar  The clientele are terrifying and beautiful.   Old drunks, young drunks (snicker here) and various other unidentifiable.   The crowd is always boisterous, but does include many of the hunched over, bleary-eyed types, either lost in reverie or maintaining that delicate balance between being passed out and being awake.   Most often, they flare up like comets for a half-hour, dancing around and yelling and making noise, then sinking back down into oblivion.   I fit here, somehow.  
  Playing a board game at a coffee shop (the one my lowbrow friends and I frequent), a friend tells me to play, and I tell them "It's his turn", referring to my opponent. When I looked at him, he was glaring at me. I looked at him for a minute, thought about it, then realized "he" was a she. I was mortified, but continued the game. But after watching this person play for a while, and talking to them, I realized "she" was a he after all. Oops.  I'm not sure what's more lowbrow, mistaking someone's sex, or thinking you mistook someone's sex when you had it right the first time.   
  I stick my arm way out the window of my car when big trucks go by. I am disappointed if I do not feel the sting of high velocity grit. Yesterday a giant, well fed bug exploded on my  forearm.  
  today I asked a friend if I could borrow her ten year old son so that he could call my work place and ask for me his"daddy".The boss fell for it, so now when I dont feel like working I have a perfect excuse.My kid is sick,my kid is in trouble at school,I have to leave at four today to get my kid,I sure am glad I dont have a kid.  
  I went on depo provera (sp), that shot you get every 3 months for birth control. That wasn't why I was on it, but at any rate.....  I gained 10 lbs and it killed my sex drive. I've since gone off of it, and the drive is back with a vengeance. That's how it REALLY works...  But anyway. The funny thing is that I was talking about it with my best friend and I couldn't remember the fricking name of the stuff, so I called it Deepak Chopra.   She snorted beer out of her nose.     
  Ah Christmas.  I break up with my girlfriend on Christmas Eve, then during Christmas morning I suddenly realize that this is my first Christmas without my wife (divorce).  Then I go see a friend of mine and hear that a girl I used to see on the side is pregnant and engaged.  Next we go drinking.  In walks a girl I took home 3 days ago and never called.  To top it off, when I get home, I have a Yahoo! greeting card from some girl that I dumped 6 months ago begging me to come home to her.  I love the holidays.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         interesting conversations with jesus he said so i am the chosen one jesus fucking christ and no one believes me and so they will all go to hell i will make sure of it i told him that jesus didnt want to be the son of god lord if this cup can pass by me etc etc he said oh yeah another jesus dies no cross no nails         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friends and I were sophomores in college, with serious boredom issues.  I had to piss.  And we had a few hundred stolen waffle-style ice cream cones, freshly reamed from the cafeteria.  So we pissed into these cones, and froze them (only two); took them from the freezer a few days later and put them in the drawer of a plastic shelving unit at the local Wal-Mart.  (sneaking them in was the most difficult part)  They were there for a few days until they dissappeared.  Oddly enough, they reappeared a few days later.   I feel giddy whenever I think that a child may be storing their toys in it, or an old woman may be using it for her knitting yarn.    
  Reading the News Journal yesterday and it went something like this:  'Delaware's Ruth Ann Minner and several state and nation officials declared wednesday that counterfeit merchandise like Kate Spade knockoff's and stolen or burned DVD's are being bought at an alarming rate.  The proceeds of all of these sales from street vendors are going to the Al-Qaeda.'  The article went on to say that people should stop buying stolen or pirated merchandise and that buying american is the way to go.  That's great.  A reputable newspaper just lied about street vendor sales to boost american profit.    Have you ever noticed how every single American Pride shirt out there is either made in China or Malaysia?  
  So a few of us guys go out to the clubs one nite. at one club there are some girls dancing in cages. On the far side theres a guy in a cage with the girl, shes grinding all up on him. she then drops to her knees and starts biteing and nibbling his dick thru his pants. My friend says "damn who is that whore" as we walk towards the cage. About five feet away the girl lifts her head and looks right at us. Its his 15 year old sister. And the guy, its his older brother.  
  I think it freaks people out when I tell myself to shut up and slap myself in public.  I like seeing how people react.  Its like a light beer version of Fight Club.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So at my uni, there's this vending machine which i refer to as the vending machine of hell...  You see, me and this machine go way back, we have our own history. and every time the story is the same. But thats not all, I just dont learn! I go back and make the same mistake over and over and over and over again.  A few semesters back, I insert 2 bucks into the machine for a bar of chocolate, of course its understandable I need my daily chocolate fix, and of course I recieve my change. The chocolate bar falls...and lands on top of a bag of chips that has become stuck right above that little ledge inside the machine...obviously from the last person to try to use it. A bit annoyed, I reach into it try to grab both items whilst almost getting my arm stuck in the process. after 10 minutes of this I give up and decide another approach, I call the hotline, wasting another $2 on credit on my mobile while the woman on the line (who's on the other side of the country) says she'll send someone out in a few days.  I'm not content, in a last ditch effort I shake and take running jumps at the machine for about 5 minutes. kicking it a few times, while other students laugh their asses off at me as they walk by.  It worked tho, I got my chocolate, and a free bag of chips :P Score!  A few days later I get a refund on the $2 from the company. Score again!  I shouldnt try this too much, the company's beginning to get suspicious...  
  Everyone thought she cut her thumb off after crashing the shopping cart into the curb. Afterwards we found out that the thumb was fine.....she gave us a thumbs up to show it was okay.  
  i tend to get these cravings for fried chicken, don't ask me why. every two weeks i get an image in my head of fried chicken, and my stomach starts to growl and i start to salivate.  this isn't so much of a problem now i live at home, but when i lived out, i used to have to wait until the house was empty and then get my chicken. i would then sit in the living room stuffing my face and just surrendering to the grease. one time one of my flatmates came back just in time to see me in the middle of a binge. how embarassing. still, i took my chicken into my room to finish in private.  
  This afternoon I was helping a friend erect a manger for a nativity scene in his front yard.  As he hammered a support brace on the back wall, I thought, "If you were a carpenter and were crucified, you'd have to laugh at the irony".         
  i was watching "kids in the hall" today.  one of the "kids" looks into the camera and says "its one of those days.  you feel like calling in sick at work........  if you had a job.  one of those days when all you want to do is watch tv, eat corn chips, and masturbate."  i took stock of my current situation.  two down...  i'll let you guess.  "do you know that feeling?  of course you do!"  i laughed for a few seconds.  then i started to cry.  
  "Sorted mate!" he said. Like the crisps, I thought..  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  There she was. The epitome of grace; beauty personified. I knew that the was no other moment in the world but this and there was no other time than now. Gathering my fortitude as I approached, I could think of nothing but this angel. I spoke to her and said " Hi, would you mind if I joined you?" And she looked at me and said "Why? Am I coming apart?"        
  Oral sex is fun with him. I love getting him off and watching the expression on his faces as he comes. At the same time, he loves to watch what I'm doing to him. The other morning I decided to switch to my hand right before the big moment, mostly because I was all ready for work, makeup and all. He doesn't mind. My cat was lounging next to us on the couch (we were on the floor). As he began spurting, his eyes locked on mine and right then, the cat jumped to attention. Her ears went back and she seemed ready to leap right onto his dick. Though she didn't, I couldn't help smirking at the possibilities. He saw my face, looked over, and laughed. A few seconds later (the orgasm was still happening, even), the cat curled up again, looking away. She was already bored.  Ah, the comfort.   
  i always thought of brad pitt as a pretty boy.  for that reason i never liked him much.  i don't go for pretty boys, not in the least bit. even after the whole 12 monkeys psycho thing, i still couldn't take him seriously.   now...after seeing fight club, and spy game i have a small but growing fetish.  i like to see brad pitt beaten up.  this excites me.  each blow to his face on the big cinema screen sends a tingle to my crotch.  he's most beautiful when he's beaten black and blue. part of me knows it's make up, and part of me wants it to be real, part of me gets a giddy satisfaction from just seeing him on screen with big swollen eyes, cuts on his cheeks and blood dripping from his  lips.   if i ever had the opportunity to have sex with mr. pitt (assuming ms. aniston dropped dead)- i'd want him exactly that way...with a few bruises on his back for good measure.    Ash.  
  Remember "Space Food Sticks"?  I truly thought I'd get to space if I ate enough of them.  Drank Tang too.  Now I'm just a fat old man whose ass smells like a cosmic port-a-john.  
  my plane landed at the salt lake city airport.  inside the airport,  people were glued to the tv screens.  "what happened?", i asked.  "lady di crashed in a tunnel in paris", an older woman answered.  "oh", i said and bought myself a coke.  
  I have always hated and feared  monkies and clowns.  
  Binge drinking is considered something like five or more drinks in a row.  What would those surveys make of the fact that I can't remember the last time I had LESS than five? And we're talking every day, here.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Our Psychology teacher can not pronounce the word HEMAPHRODITE...instead he thinks it's a greek goddess!   Seriously!       
  I worked at a McDonalds in a mall very shortly as a kid. It was my first day and this guy came up with a $100 bill. I told him that I needed to get the manager to accept it. I looked around a bit but didn't see her. I go back to the guy and tell him I can't accept it. He protests. I reprotest. He insists and I tell him to "go get a fucking taco or something and chill out" And while saying this the manager, of course, materializes behind me. Needless to say I didn't finish my first day there, but got a taco instead.   
  World Cup final, 1995  I watch the game with my  nasty  girlfriend Khadisha, who has seamlessly transferred her allegiance from her national team, Sierra Leone, to the Cameroons team, and then, by some still-unexplained logic, to Brazil.  When the championship comes down to penalty kicks, she is literally climbing the walls, standing on the back of the couch with her hands stuffed in her mouth, eyes shut tight.  When Italy's coach sends the injured Roberto Baggio out for the next penalty kick, I yell "That's a mistake! He's going to miss!"  She opens her eyes, in time to see him miss the kick.  Bloodcurdling scream. She launches herself at me from halfway across the room, knocking me flat on my back with her on top of me.  Then she completely loses bladder control...  
   Devolution   My friend and I are hanging out, and we were both very much enjoying the chiba. At one point, I am explaining how British shows were changed into American shows, and I gave the examples of "Man About the House" (which became "Three's Company"), "Til Death Do Us Part" (which became "All in the Family") and "Steptoe & Son," which became, of course, "Sanford & Son."  When I mentioned "Sanford & Son," I, of course, could not help but begin singing the theme. When I got to the part where the 70's organ comes in and gets really funky, I attempted to duplicate the distorted warble of the organ sound by moving my finger quickly over my lips as I sang the melody.  Of course, what my friend saw was me slowly devolving from a person analyzing cross-Atlantic television imports to a person singing the "Sanford & Son" theme to a person making "blblblblblblblblblblblblblb" sounds with his lips. It looked as though pot had slowly claimed my mind over the course of my diatribe and reduced me to a gibbering idiot.  Which I guess it had.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't have a job.  I make fun of the people I know who do. Haha. Losers.  I make my money by selling cds loaded down with porno videos to horny guys.  Really blurs the line between business and pleasure.  
  pornography on the monitor & a bible on the desk.  
  sitting at work. eating some spaghetti sans sauce that i found in the breakroom fridge. not really working, as i'm the only person who has second shift here at this wonderful nonprofit. oh well, i think i'll go shit in the womens bathroom.  
  Just read a moment about things that have unintentionally been in people's eyes.  I can top them all. I once had to pull an ant out of my friend's eye that had landed there and started to actually bite her eye.   When I pulled the ant away a little bit of her eye pulled with it.  
   Brain Damage #1  When I finally woke up from the operation, I had no inhibitions and a libido the size of the National Debt. Oh yes, and I couldn't remember anything for more than fifteen minutes, so all of this is from what people told me. The minor operation (akin to picking your nose with a skalpel) had gone horribly wrong. The hack doctor had penetrated my brain, damaging my frontal lobes. After a couple of days, my roommates came to visit me. Theresa sat down on my bed and I immediately hugged her tight. She hugged back, and I slipped my hands under the back of her shirt and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. She giggled good-humouredly, but said: "[Limbo], you and I aren't like this." I continued elegantly praising her considerable charms, and she put up with it until I moved my hands around the front and started fondling her breasts. She stood up, embarrassed. I howled in despair and invited Julie over. Julie and I weren't even really friends, but I sweet-talked her into a hug and began the process all over again. After a bit of insistent persuading, she lay down next to me, but Theresa and my other roommates were getting worried. They called in the nurse. Theresa: "What's going on?" Nurse: "Oh, he's a wild one, isn't he? He had my blouse unbuttoned this morning before I even noticed!" Julie manages to get out of my clutches, and the four of them explain that something is seriously wrong. I'd been lying there for two days, stuck in the present moment, with spinal fluid slowly dripping out of my nose (the nurses HAD provided a box of Kleenex), and nobody had noticed. Nurse: "Oh! We thought he was just like that normally!"  
  Two days after 9/11 and the big boss's secretary says, "I hope we're told that we're a priority one for attack so we can go home early."  
   Me and a buddy had crashed at a couples apartment following a fIREHOSE show in Boston. He drank way too much and had decorated Commonwealth Ave. and most of the other streets on the way to their apartment. The couple was very understanding and pulled out a fold out couch for us to crash on. Fell alseep with our boots on, like good drunks should. Later that night, I woke up because the couch was moving... I looked over at my illing buddy to see our friends wife dry humping my passed out friends hairy legs as she licked his snoring mouth.       
  who cares lowbrow it is but its like listening to neil young doesnt really matter if he really is in that much pain when he sings it just makes you feel better that you arent hurtin that bad        
  When I was a kid, I went swimming down the road from my house - small brook with a nice bridge to jump from.  Must have been ten feet deep.   One day I took three friends with me.  We were probably ten to twelve.  With us was a local boy who out weighed us by fifty pounds and wasn't the smartest potato in the sack.  Anyway we could all swim and assumed he could.  He jumped from the bridge and sank like a stone.  Then he emerged thrashing and screaming and we scrambled to the river bank.  He kept yelling help and kept flailing and screaming for us to help.  We just shivered like helpless little mice.    Finally he made his way into the shallows and draged himself to shore.  He threw himself against the ground sputtering and crying - "Why didn't you try to save me?" he pleaded.  But neither then nor in the years that would pass would any one of us three have the balls to speak the truth:  he would have drown us all.  
  dear browers if you have a spine and put a real email address up there are a few things you might want to do go to cnet and download some anti spam freeware eprompter works well and clears out the jesuspornmortgageviagra mail or save the addresses of all your spam and open up a email account for the sole purpose of spamming the spammers hint a fuck you you evil spam leaches letter works well to incite anger in those who fill your mailbox with digital diarrhea also i recently found a bit of software that floods email robots with thousands of fake addresses all hail jumbo and cnet  
  She was sexy -even in those dirty pink sweatpants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like getting sunburned. Not only is it a cool feeling and sound when I peel off the dead skin, it tastes good too.  
  S.F. stands for Surely Fucked.  Move here and found out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to pay a lot of attention to ethnicity and nationality.  I'd come up with cute little names for my friends based on their various mixed bloodlines. He's a McWhap (Irish-Italian) He's a Blaxican (Black and Mexican), etc.  I also used to rattle of my heritage at the slightest iquisitory remark.  Until I found out the rest of it, that is. I'm really just a mutt, a mongrel: Italian, French, German, Spanish, Chaktaw, Blackfoot, and Mexican.  Too many to name off when I'm asked, besides, who'd believe there was that much fence-hoppin' going on in my family? Niw I just say I'm Californian, that seems to satisfy most folks...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in the mall with my girlfriend and we were eating in the food court. I got up to get drinks and came back. She was next to the table bending over to tie her shoe, so I gave her a luv-tap on the bottom. The woman got up and smacked me across the face, screamed, and told a security guard about it. My table was right next to it and she was watching the whole thing. They were wearing the same jeans and a red shirt. We explained to her and the security guard what happened. They understood, and I apologized.        
   Earlier today, I was watching T.V., and my phone rang.  It was a telemarketer promoting some long distance phone company.  I told them I was Amish and didn't have a phone.       
  One night I had a brand new fuck buddy over and of course...on the monitor was lowbrow.com.  It was the one where there are those weird white blurs at the top.  He said it was freaking him out and he didn't think he could do "it" with that on the screen.  Seemed a bit wimpy to me.  I told him nobody else had ever minded.  Ah, I should have thought first...then spoke.  That was NOT a smart thing to say.  But hey, I gave in and turned it off.  And he fucked me anyway. Lowbrow.com almost causing me to NOT get fucked.  That's GOT to be lowbrow in one way or another.  
  picking scabs, popping zits, removing ingrown hairs, picking boogers  these are the deeply satisfying non-sexual entertainments our bodies provide us with.  
  Last night I learned that every stripper in the back of LAXPRESS is from the same company.  Dont let the multiple area codes and numberes fool you.  Lastnight i called a stripper just to mess with her, i ended up talking to her for about 30 minutes then i seriously offended her and she hung up on me.  I call atleats 30 more girls and as soon as they heard my voice i heard CLICK! IWhat the fuck are they doing? Are they all lined up against the wall, like a meat marker, in some gigantic warehouse in Comtpon ready to be pushed out the door and to take thier clothes off for money.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I am Post-Op in the hospital recovery room just waking up. I was in a lot of pain and very confused so I raised my hand to get the attencion of one of the nurses. Well they both looked right at me and ignored me. So I proceed to start throwing off my face mask and pulling at wires. One of them runs over with a needle and tells me they're gonna give me some demerol for the pain. Couple minutes after that nurse comes back asks me how I am, I say no good she gives me another shot. She comes back again and says how are you now, I say Oh I'm just fine, she says lets just give you a little more just in case. She comes back one more time and I feel great, she asks how I'm doing I say I feel great I don't need anymore demerol, she says well one more can't hurt. After that I was done. Yeah trips to the Hospital.  
  the day after my 18th birthday i got a tattoo, but in no way could i foresee the three days of incessent explictives, nonchalant winking and a cocky attitude that followed... there should be a warning for people like me:  "tattoo may lead you to think your a pirate, but you're not"  good try, good try  
  Poor sperm cells... There they are, standing around in a circle, turning the collars of their trenchcoats up against the cold, lighting little cigarettes. "Sure is cold..." "Yep." "I wonder where Ms. Egg is? She sure is taking her sweet time..."  [uncomfortable silence, and dawning trepidation]  "Hey! You don't suppose..." "Nawwwww... No way!"  [shuffling of tails... a few of the weaker ones succumb to the cold, until there are only two cells left]  "Dude... I KNEW it! We've been JACKED!" "Oh.... It.. It's g-g-getting c-c-cold... I don't want to die like this!" "Jacked..." *sob*  The End  
  A Drive-Thru Adventure...  Me: Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order? Him: Yeah, I'd like a number 6, no cheese, extra pickle, with an orange drink. Me: Is that all? Him: No.  I'd like a 6 piece nugget with that. Me: Anything else? Him: Yeah, your number. Me: ...  
  I was organising my DiVX movies with my GF the other day, putting them in order, removing duplicates and so on, when my GF said, wow, i wonder how much money you spent on all these blank CDs (400+ for movies alone) to which i replied, well just think of how much money i saved, rather than buying them on DVD at $20+ a pop.   Then she stopped and looked at me  Well, yeah, stealing is cheaper than buying it.   I knew i loved her for a reason  
  Whenever Dianne feels amazed or indignant, she exclaims, "Shit the bed, Fred!"  I use the expression now. I wish I knew somebody named Fred, though.        
  " Can  you drive a stick, sweetie?" the used car salesman inquired oh-so solicitously.  "I prefer manual transmission," I replied.  Apoplectically: "You're the  one !  You've got to see this car!"  Then confidentially:  "This is the car I'd be buying myself if I didn't have to pay the kid's tuition every month."    He walked over to a little red Honda, gesturing and excited.  "This car is the cat's ass!"      &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Broken Condom Story #3898302-748  We were at a friend's party...in the basement having sex.  I didn't really like him, but I was drunk and he was decent.  So we get up and I go upstairs to wash off and clean up, when I hear a shout from downstairs.  Upon returning to the tiny kitchen, I find him surrounded by four people holding our condom in his hand.  He had filled it up with water, and there was a tiny stream flowing out of the tip.  Fuck.  Fuck.  I don't even care if it's broken.  Why the HELL are you standing there with your sperm spraying all over the kitchen?  Not to mention my stuff all over it too.  He looks at me and shakes his head sadly, telling me that the condom broke.  I snatched it out of his hands and threw it into the garbage disposal, kicked him in the shin, and went to the living room to drink more.  Serves me right for dating a drama student.  
  I haven't washed these pants yet, so it still looks like I have jizzed myself.  Even though it's actually toothpaste.  I am a dirty man.  
  If I had a 3rd, 4th and 5th arm, I'd get alot more work done. Plus I'd smoke, drink and masterbate more.  But that's just me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate you all.  I mean seriously, give me a good reason why I should love any of you.  You run about, living in your little lies.  You never think about how it might be if people would be good to one another occasionally. Instead you run about on the motto "take what you can and fuck the other guy"  thats pretty sick if you ask me.  and look where its getting us.  Our society is downgrading constantly.  rape, teen pregnancy, murder, theft, illiteracy, republicanism.  all on the rise.  and instead of focusing on things like this, the Collective Human Ignorance  would rather focus on "milk hurts cows, you should drink beer instead".  right.  drink beer instead.  Especially since alchoholism is on the rise too.  I swear to god i want you all to die.   
  If a girl is going to let you titty-fuck her then she should also let you jizz on her. What's this "blow your load to the side" shit?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I use to think a whole lot.  I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because I would be up pondering the meaning of life, what happened once humans died, refining my atheist views and such.  That all stopped once I started smoking weed.  What a beautiful drug  
  Last night she made me the wierdest meal. Brown sugar, jack and cheddar cheese, melted over a slice of rasin tost. She said it was a white trash meal.  I said no dear it's midwestern. It looked like shit, but man did it taste good.  
  The highlight of my visit to the old homestead was going to the mall with my suburban, minivan-driving, designer-wearing, 3 kids, PTA-attending, wine-coolers-only, professional mommy-type sister and watching her key the hell out of some dipshit's car because he'd parked diagonally over two spaces.  "Elitist fuckwad" she snarled, while I rolled on the ground laughing.  
  i got sick of feeling so nasty so i ended it the other night when she started sucking off my friend michael in front of me.  she was sleazy, but not the brightest or the coolest.  fun, but just a bit too kink oriented for me i guess.  he rang me the next day apologizing for going along with it and filled me in with the rest of the info.  apparently he couldn't get it up and wanted to see just how bad she was.  ended the evening by fucking her with a chinese eggplant.  yech.  
  I'm working on a book entitled:  The K.Y. Jelly Bible   
  I drank a lot in college.  Almost everyday, so needless to say my ass wasn't always regular.    One morning I was sitting on this chicks chest getting head.  I decided it was time to penetrate her and hopped off to mount her.  With utter amazement and shock, I noticed a little clump of shit between her tits!  With lightning quick reflexes I wiped it off with my hand.  She looked at me really perplexed, so I just buried my face in her crotch.  Nothing was ever mentioned about it.  A lot of shit happens in my life.  Bizarre.  
  Over the course of my 20 years of life my dad has taught me a lot of useful stuff. The two I remember/use most are: how to talk your way out of a speeding ticket, and how to open a beer bottle with just about anything. Thanks Dad  
  We decided to have a bong-a-thon. And the rules were set amongst us. Exponential rounds, we decided. Round 1 = 1, Round two = 2 consecutives, round three = 4, round four equals 8 consecutives, and so on Last man standing wins. $50 to enter. Folly of youth!! Round five arrived, and it wasn't that we couldn't individually do 16 consecutive hits, it was just that no one could stay awake watching and waiting for the others to cough and burn their lungs dry through sixteen consecutive hits.  
  "Sometimes you just have to grab Life by the balls and make Rocky Mountain Oysters."  
  People say our school doesn't have a drug problem.   Our song for senior prom last year was "I Get High With A Little Help From My Friends."  Hmm. Maybe they should think twice about that.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my last year of highschool. A few friends and i were taking a smoke break behind the local convenience store. And who should come drivinf around the corner in his little golf cart, but the schools designated enforcement agent/trig teacher/football coach.  3 of us were able to produce documentation allowing us to be off campus. He turns to the fourth, Kelly, and asks "What about you?"  "What?" She asks. he replies "Did I stutter? What about you" "Fuck you" says Kelly. "What?" he asks she replies "Did I stutter? Fuck you." Que riotous laughter. He is pissed off. So he reaches around and backhands me.  First time I had ever been hit by a non-sibling.   
  I was showing my mom something with the computer when she pointed to something on my bed.  "Ew, a pube!"  I blamed it on the dog.  
  Actually, I choose to remain unemployed for tax purposes.        
  I go to a junior college in the middle of nowhere.  there isnt much to do, so we go to wal-mart sometimes and play wal-mart freeze tag. the rules are: one person is it, when they tage you, you have to stay put until someone crawls between your legs.  they get pissed off alot when we do this, but they never really tell us to get out, they just look at us funny.  one time, a family asked if they could play. i almost shit my pants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Air Force basic training, me and several flight members were at an appointment so we missed our meal time. We broke ranks for dinner, meaning another flight was in line for dinner but we cut in. Being basic training there was tons of procedure and sirs and ma'ams that needed to be said to do so.  My flight leader in front of me talking to the other flight's leader...  "Sir, Trainee (whatever) requesting permission to break ranks for chow!"  "Excuse me, that's ma'am"  Ouch. Well she was a butch-dyke, but even I could tell. Men don't have breasts. Instructor nearby looks our way... I feel the world coming to an end as I stand there at a perfect Attention, hands at my side, eyes straight forward... what I can't see can't hurt me!  "TRAINEE! What did you say to my flight leader? Are these other trainees in your flight?"  Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Angry man in trooper hat screaming at my flight leader is a bad thing. Basic trianing sucks!  In the end it wasn't too bad. My flight leader got chewed out really bad and I was unscathed.  I remembered to say "ma'am" when I asked to break ranks.  Basic training is fun when you're not the one being yelled at!  
  Early eveing, playing pool with friends, a married couple. They're not actually married, just common-law, so there's still some hope there, isn't there? Anyway, we're playing purely dreadful. I describe it as "Brownian motion", but they don't get the reference. The wonderful Julie comes in, and sits at the bar. She has no interest in me at all. I know, because she's told me so, twice. But when fallow ground is all that is left, you have to work fallow ground. I walk over and touch her shoulder. She turns around with a pleasant-enough smile, but every guy reading this moment knows the feeling. Me: "Julie! I really like you a lot, and you are a great pool player." She assents, dubiously. Me: "Can I ask you a special favour?" She nods, even more dubiously. Me: "Could you promise to not come  anywhere  near this pool table 'till we're done?" She cracks up, laughing: "Oh, playing like shit, are you?" Me: "You don't know half of it..." She, sympathetically: "Happens to all of us, once in a while". She turns away, but at least I got her to laugh, didn't I?  
  He tapped me on the shoulder at the club.  He didn't speak, just waved.  I waved back.  My girlfriend said, "Who is that?"  I said, "I think it's some guy I used to fuck, but I'm not sure."    I really couldn't place the face, but he seemed very familiar.  So I talked to him to and tried to figure it out.  He didn't say too much, so that didn't help at all...and if it was the guy I used to fuck, I didn't want him to realize I wasn't sure if I knew it was him or not.    So then he says, "Can I come back to your place...and by the way, can my friend come too?" I said, "Sure, I'll meet you there right after the bar closes" and walked away very quickly.    I figured if he was the guy I used to fuck, he'll know where I live.  Well, he showed up at my apartment 20 minutes after I did...and so did his friend.  I fucked them both.    Mystery solved.  
  The guilt feelings, the anxiety attacks and the sadness just would not go away.  Guess it's one of those Calistoga[tm] and Valium[tm] kinda days.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  In all seriousness, he said: "Obviously Jerry Springer is real." Later he said of the same Mr. Springer: "He looks like a guy who writes books."  
  I have a friend up in Seattle that works at a McDonald's. 2 storys about her.  1. One hungover day she was taking a familys order. Just as she was finishing up she vomited right on the counter...and proceeded to ask them if they wanted anything else. Of course they got the hell out of there. 2. I guess the bbq sauce strangely resembles chocolate syrup. So one day instead of replacing the chocolate syrup with more syrup, she replaced it with bbq sauce. It took about 5 hours for anyone to figure it out. So she was serving people bbq milkshakes all day. I still fucking laugh my ass off when I think about that one  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Rainy day in Edinburgh, Scotland. Of, course, just about  every  day is a rainy day in Edinburgh, so I guess it must have been an exceptionally-rainy day. Two of my female flat-mates* and I are stuck inside, bored.  They decide they want to play dressup, but of course there aren't any dolls in the house. All there is is me. They prop up the album cover from David Bowie's "Aladdin Sane" and go to work. Two hours of them crawling around all over me (yum!) later, they declare I'm done. I take a look in the mirror. I'm an utterly, completely perfect replica. Pure-white shoulders, zig-zag makeup all over my face... Without so much as a by-your-leave, they've even somehow changed my hair color to bright red. They're almost beside themselves with delight, jumping up and down with their wonderful titties wiggling away. They ask what I think. I don't say a word. I just walk over to the umbrella rack, pick out the best three, hand them one each, link my arms through theirs, and take them out to the pub for a beer or three.  -------------- *(Hi, Janie and Kirsty -- you still owe me for the electric bill! I'm not going to forget any time soon, either. It's only 25 years and counting, after all...)  
  Never go down on a girl directly after eating anything with Tabasco sauce in it.  No matter what.  
  No, I must speak up. Has anyone else paid any attention to the moments from cheerleaderatyourcrotch? The ones that make you fear for her husband's life, bastard that he may or may not be? Dear, I'm not sure you're a "relationship person."  
  Once I was at this party, and outdoor party, in a little clearing in the woods with a bonfire.  It was a Halloween party.  I had driven over there, in a shitty '92 Geo Metro.  With two doors.  And an autmatic transmission.  The saddest little car in the world.  The kind of car and old woman who was crippled would drive.  I am a really small guy, and I was piss, piss drunk.  I was as drunk as I have ever been in my life.  I could barely sit up straight.  Seeing this scrawny guy who was so drunk he could barely maintain consciousness and who had arrived there in a Geo Metro was too much for a couple of guys at the party, and they proceeded to beat the living shit out of me.  After the beating, I puked and puked my guts out, for some reason feeling just a little more sober.  I was not pissed, I was cool as a cucumber, but vengeance would be mine.  I stumbled over to my Geo Metro-- it must have taken 15 minutes-- and reached in the back for my aluminum baseball bat.  I pulled it out and stumbled back over to guys who had administered the beating.  They were sitting by the fire, goofing off, looking like such fucking morons that it just pissed me off incredibly.  *NOW* I was angry.  They didn't even notice me staggering over there.  Concentrating as hard as I could on my muscle coordination, I raised the bat over my head and swung it down as hard as I could on the skull of the motherfucker who had done most of the punching.  I missed his head and the bat came down on his shoulder.  Ther was this big pop and I guess I must have broken it or dislocated it or something, because he just sprawled out on the ground howling.  His buddy was surprised, and his reflexes must have been slowed down by his blood-alchohol content, because he didn't even try to dodge when smashed him in the gut with my bat.  He fell over, and then I swung it at his knee, and then at his ribs, and then at his shoulder.  I hit the dirt a couple of times cuz I was so drunk.  After I was happy that he was beaten, I went back to the Metro and put the bat back.  Then I realized that everyone else at the party was just staring at me, silent, no one moving.  They were positive that I was psychotic.  Funny how the guy who fights back is the psycho, but the guys who beat on him for no reason in the first place are normal.  I was there from 9:00pm to 4:00am, and that's the only part of the night I remember.  I stopped going to parties after that.  I never saw those two guys again.  That first bastard was lucky he fell sideways instead of into the fire, because if he had, I don't think anybody would have pulled him out.  
  "I dunno" she whined, scratching a mystery rash in her smelly armpits, sniffing her fingers, spitting a nasty loogie into the street and then lighting another cigarette. Her greasy hair waved in the breeze... both on her head and on her legs. "He just can't get it up anymore, and I'm doing everything I can, ya know?" Yeah, Mandy, everything except resembling a human. Damn it, I really need to get a higher class of acquaintances.  
  we are having a serious discussion... blah blah blah. he says "can you imagine what it would be like to be a gay man these days?" i say "it would be pretty fucking cool." i would get crazy laid!  
  I love technology.  You should see my vibrator.  It's like fucking a tricorder.  
  Here's an interesting thing:  According to women, all the cute, intelligent, fashion-sensible men are gay.  however, all the lesbians out there seem to be crazy hippie biker chicks.  That's quite some double entendre right there, folks.  
  It's my first night back at work after weeks of not being able to get back on the schedule despite the managers knowing I'm back in town.  I managed to get a few friday-night hours from someone who never wants to work on weekends.   So i'm at this pizza-buffet where I work, pressing dough into pizza-crusts and shouting our pizza-shop-greeting at customers as they come in the door.  There are two cash-registers and a dough-presser between me and the customers, one of which is being used to ring them up, another is closed down for the moment.  A child, short and not older than five or so I'd say, peeks at me from the other side of the closed down cash register, grins, and merrily chirps "Motherfucker!" like it's a magic word or a new trick he's learned (I just smile at him, thinking "Hey, it's that little kid from  Clerks !"). That little kid is the best thing that's ever happened to me at work.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Visiting Scotland, my brother-in-law (BIL) wants to take me out to "The Cricket Club."  My sister and he are very mysterious about the place -- won't tell me anything about it other than I will certainly have a good time, and no, women are not allowed.  My sister drives us over to a house in the country, and promply leaves. BIL leads me around the house and literally down the garden path.  To a 6'x9' potting shed, with room for about two people.  'Cept there are already six guys in there.  We squeeze in and join them.  We sit there, drinking too much whisky and far too much beer, with an old tea chest for a table, and swap the raunchiest stories I've ever heard.  BIL looks a little nervous to have me hear just how often he's screwed around on my sister.  Whrn we run out of booze, BIL and I stumble the three miles home.  The house is locked, and dead-bolted from the inside.  BIL: "Damn -- oh well, I guess it's the garage for me tonight again."  Me: "No it's not!  I'll get my wife up and she'll let us in."  BIL: "She'd DO that?"  I throw a pebble at our guestroom window. My wife promptly opens the front door, smiling.  BIL, in awe: "You should keep that one."  
  My perspective on alcohol seems to differ slightly from some other people...  I was at a bar, with a large group of people, drinking straight jack daniels over crushed ice  slowly, savouring, sipping  and the alpha female strutted over to me, presenting her enormous breasts, crushed and pushed towards her chin by one of those tiny-multi-hook corset tops  her navel is pierced  she leans an elbow on the bar and flicks her hair and challenges me  "straight whiskey, you must be well hard"  I shake my head and half smile at her - intimated in no small part by her attention-grabbing, all consuming breasts - I am waiting for a nipple to peep at me from either pulverized globe, over the top of her corset - "no, not hard, I'm just me, having a drink, sour mash, crushed ice, tasty - "  and she takes the glass from me - snatches it - and sips it and makes a face  "we're going back to my place in about an hours time if you wanna come and get high" she offers, shoving the glass back at me  I startle, and shake my head  "sorry, me and drugs don't really mix"  she stares disbelievingly at me  "oh yeah, hard liquor but no hard drugs?"  "no" I say, "I don't like the way they taste"  and I am sure, certain, positive that her nipples are going to produce themselves and stare at me as disapprovingly as her eyes, but she wheels and clips away on tiny stiletto heels, bouncing and swaying, all curves and corsets and impending nakedness holding the attention of every man in the bar as she strides away  ...she has left a lurid pink lipstick smear on my glass.  
  The next pet I own, I think I'm going to name "Jesus Freak"  
  it's unfortunate that i sunk to the level of using toilet water to make his fucking lemonade.  down the hatch!  
  Back in the olden days before everyone had a cellphone to hide out in the bathroom at work and play games on... I used to get to work just a tad early and take a magazine into the bathroom and carefully stash it behind the protective seat liners box on the wall.  My coworkers were all convinced I had the most wretched digestive system, but hey, beats actually working.  
  i wanted to get a tan, but i had a project due in my high school english class.  so i decided to just do the project outside. i'm a redhead.  i was in the sun for about 4 straight hours.  BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD fucking sunburn. a week or so later, when the pain starts to go away, i begin to molt.  my entire back was ready to fall off. so i took a hair brush and started scrubbing.  
  My friend tells me that every time you sneeze it's 1/10 of an orgasm.  Stoned, I got the notion that God gave me allergies to make up for the inability to orgasm.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So a chick on my volleyball team is obsessed with an assistant coach and this is a direct quote (given while she is acting out the quote)  "Who would have thought that at the same moment in time, my ass cheek and his hand would occupy the same space in the universe... it must be fate"  it's a damn good thing that my ass doesn't determine my fate...  
  Drunk, last night. My friends finish cooking the pizza, and I immediately tear into a slice. The hot cheese burns my lower lip, second-degree style, creating an enormous blister. Now it looks like I have herpes, or what many people think herpes looks like. God damn, am I stupid.  
  the music was loud, the beer was flowing. i'd seen her around campus, thought she was pretty hot. it only took a couple drinks to loosen me up - not to the point of being drunk, just buzzed. so i get the balls to ask her to dance, and she says yes. so i'm thinking this is going to be my lucky night. then the song ends and she says she'll be right back, that she's going to get another drink - and then walks straight out the front door... i mean, there's no way for me to even try to save face after that... bitch  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first drunk: Screwdrivers (orange juice and vodka) prepared by my mother. I was fourteen years old and she wanted to see what I would do. She had a wonderful time laughing at me.  My second drunk: Orange Blossums (orange juice and gin) prepared by my mother. She'd enjoyed my drunk from the screwdrivers so much, she wanted more laughing enjoyment. I was still fourteen years old.  I don't know how I managed not to be alcohol poisoned. Also, I don't know how I managed not to end up as an alcoholic in later life.  
  I was standing there at work, parceling an order, when my boss approached me.  "Do you see these?" he said, holding up a stack of fifty $1 bills. "With these, you can get 100 breasts rubbed in your face." Then he turned around and walked back to the service desk.  Suddenly my boss seems a whole lot cooler.       
  they all sat there looking through my porno magazines which would have been bad enough if the pages hadn't been all stuck together.  then they started working out which one was my "special lady."  
  I am in court helping represent a company in a product liability suit. It seems that some idiot had tried to open a bottle of Asti Spumante (pullout plastic cork-like cap) with a corkscrew and it exploded.  So they hauled in the packaging engineer all the way from a small town in Italy to testify. The dickhead lawyer is rubbing his hands together as he proceeds with his interrogation. "So, tell me..." he pauses for effect, "what would happen in Italy if a bottle of sparling wine exploded on your client and injured them?!?!!" The well dressed Italian engineer thinks, then  begins in his thick northen Italian accent: "Well, Signore, if someone in Italy was hurt because they tried to open a bottle of Asti Spumante with corkscrew, they would be so embarassed that they would not tell a soul".  God Bless America!  
        you know those people who come to your door and hand out those "go to our church" things.blah blah...well is it bad when u have a little bro who goes out w/ all the church people arould yelling out that he is satan??  
  And praise the fact that this is a masturbatory moment.   I'd been a puerile wreck since i'd become self-aware at five years old. Thats when i discoverd that pillows made good huping tools, and that my dad had most of the pillows in his room. Divorce is damned inconveinant people.  
  I don't bring girls home often.  I still live with my parents, so I always think it will be a little weird.   My new girlfriend slept over a few weeks ago, and in the morning my mom had left a bag for me, with grape flavoured condoms. Thanks mom, now I'm really in the mood  
  I went to see the 80's metal band rat the other night. That in itself is pretty low I guess, but I got in for free.   Amid the sea of smelly rockers, this one particular specimen sporting a sweet handle bar mustache and mullet comes up to my wife and asks her if she is a bad girl, she doesn't say anything. He continues on, I bet your a bad girl, if your not a bad girl I'll turn you into one baby, I would love to bang your tight little pussy.   My poor wife is sitting there waiting for me to chime in and tell this dirtbag to get lost. Instead me and my 3 friends sit there and just laugh our asses off. After he wanders off in his drunken stupor my wife slugs me in the arm and says, " why the hell didn't you tell that creep to leave me alone"? Then she says, " what the hell am I saying,  if it happened to you, I would have just sat there and laughed too".  Ah, my wife kicks ass!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Oh, my mom was pissed when she found the porno. She called me into the bedroom. "I thought maybe you'd want to watch this together," she said. "No, no ..." I mumbled. "Are you sure?" she said. "I thought you liked to watch movies like this." I shook my head, said I was sorry. She let me go. Anyway, after that I pretty much swore off the pornos till I grew up and moved away.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at the pool yesterday when i saw a mom in the water suddenly look upset and drag her 4 or 5 year old daughter off to the hallway where the bathrooms were.  it made me think of the old saying about how having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing zone in a pool.  then i just laughed and got in  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to a pub in Savannah, GA a few nights ago.   I overheard the bartender telling this story:  "Dated a girl for 3 and a half years.  During that time she was my best bud in the world, we did everything together.  We decide to get married.  We have a huge wedding, invite everyone we know.  After the ceremony and the reception, we drive off to our honeymoon spot during which my new bride turns to me and says, 'Shit's gonna change now.'  "I figure it's just post wedding jitters and in a day or two I'll have my old buddy back.  "The next day, I wake up and she has cancelled all the plans I had already made for our honeymoon, including the private beach and beach house I rented that I put $2000 down on and can't get back.  "She decided she wanted to go to Disney World instead.  "A year and a half pass and I say to my wife, 'Honey, you should go out to the beach with your friends for a while and by the time you get back, I'll have moved all my stuff out of the house.  "She replied, 'That's the best idea you've had since we got married."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i yelled "crackheads! come here!" out the back door because the dogs were taking too long to come inside.  then i wondered what i would do if suddenly the forty 30 year old mexicans next door came running over...  
  One of the girls at a local Starbucks now associates me with her breasts. I do not mind this at all.  What happened was that a buddy of mine since kindergarden who works at Starbucks invited me to a little Christmas party that his boss was having. Near the time when my buddy and I left, the conversation turned to how women have a higher tolerence for pain than men. At this point, my buddy and I were standing on one side of the room, across from the women, and a FULL LENGTH MIRROR. (This will be important in a moment) One of the women, in order to prove the point, mentions that she got her nipples pierced without any pain killers. She then turns to face the other women, and the FULL LENGTH MIRROR, and proceeds to display her piercings. It wasn't untill her show was done that she realized I saw the whole thing.  When I saw her at the store a few months later, she had just been asking my buddy about me. I need to go to more office parties.    
  So there I was browsing lowbrow. Getting my fix. Then it happened. The power went out. I almost started freaking, then i remembered my ancient PDA. Oh good the batteries still have a charge. Plug in the modem and dial the internet. (With a stolen ISP login I had laying around.) Well it turns out that I cant have the modem and the backlight on at the same time under battery power..Great, now I cant see anything.  DOESN'T THE POWER COMPANY KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF MY LOWBROW FIX?!?!?! Just enough batteries left to post this...  
  My sister in law's moment:  She had a disgusting roommate who never cleaned up after herself.  The last straw for my sister in law was when she walked into the bathroom and found her roommate's menstrual blood stained panties thrown on the floor.  She cleaned the entire bathroom with her roommate's toothbrush.  
  yesterday on the city bus i was lucky enough to hear some of the local "gangsters" discussing safe sex  baller 1: "i gotta pick up some lids up at the store"  baller 2: "lids? man you trippin i dont wear no lid for no ho, if she get pregnant thats her damn fault"  baller 1: "i only wear a lid when i know the bitch"  baller 2: "i only wear one if the bitch looks like she'd want child support"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few years back I was in the process of divorcing my wife so I could be with my new girlfriend. She was 21, exotic, interracial, beautiful and unfortunately a dispatcher for the fire dept for which I am employed. My wife was devastated.  One day the new girl stopped returning my phone calls. After a quick investigation, I determined she was now fucking my boss the Battalion Chief. She wasn't even going to bother to tell me.  I quickly called of the divorce. My wife was elated. My fuckwad boss has never been nicer to me, as he knows I wouldn't hesitate to slap him with a sexual harassment lawsuit if he even looked at me funny.  My wife and I have never been happier.  I am a dirt bag.  
  On a business trip, I ended up in a shitty motel in Kent, OH. As I was hanging up my clothes, I noticed a plywood panel that covered some plumbing was hanging askew. Curious, I inspected it and found an honest-to-god penis pump and a bottle of Astroglide. I phoned the front desk and asked the young woman if the sex toys were complimentary with the room. She and another girl came up and retrieved the items, looking mortified. The image of a young woman carrying a penis pump out of the room sent me into fits of laughter for the rest of the evening.  
  I'm a student. We stay up late.  One of these light nights I took a trip to Wal-Mart with one of my buddies. It was about two in the morning, we were drunk as hell, so we walked the three and a half miles along the highway.  Once at Wal-Mart I started watching the other customers. Each was ugly in his or her own way. There was a lady on one of those scooter things. she was grossly obese. There was a couple made up of a man who looked like he walked out of Monster Truck rally because he blew chunks all over himself and a woman who wanted to look twenty, but looked a tired 40.  There were many, many more. I had to wait outside while my friend got his groceries, and another drink for myself.   I still have nightmares.  
  My dad tacked up a Playboy centerfold in the kitchen. My brother was like, 'Dad, what's this about?' 'Well, she reminds me of jackie.' (His on-again, off-again thing.)  'But she doesn't look like Jackie.' 'Well, not her face,' explained dad, 'but her body's dead-on.'  
  Reached to the table to grab some candy.  Accidentally picked up an old ranch dressing-covered cruton.  I eat it.  Shocked me something awful.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Getting drunkenly fucked on my parents' living room floor by Joe, just past 4am, while they were upstairs asleep.  My dad gets up for work between 4 and 5am, every morning.  I wasn't worried though, because over the years, my ear had become finely tuned to the sound of my parents getting out of bed - the floor creaked just so.  Anyway, my dad apparently had set the Mr. Coffee to brew automatically that morning, so he could have fresh coffee when he got out of the shower.  So we're going at it furiously, trying to keep quiet, when all of a sudden he stops.  Freezes.  I look up (or was it back?) at him, an exprssion of sheer terror across his face, staring straight towards the still dark kitchen in disbelief.  " .... someone's making coffee.  Is someone making coffee??!" he said in a panicked whisper.  He apparently thought my dad had come down and walked right by his drunken daughter getting fucked by some drunken punk, and was now in the kitchen making coffee.  I laughed so hard that it woke my dad up.  We managed to pull ourselves together, scramble onto seperate couches, and be staring sleepily at the TV by the time my dad got downstairs.  From that point on, the running joke was to stop midsentence in front of everyone, look absolutely terrified, stare wide-eyed at Joe, and say in a panicked whisper, " ...IS SOMEONE MAKING COFFFEE??!?"  He either turned bright red or stormed off, every time.  Fucking hilarious.  
  someone said that they hate it when they poop and cold water splashes up into their asshole.  someone disagreed and said that they liked it when they pooped and cold water splashed up into their asshole because it was refreshing and cleaner than a wipe.    Think about where that water is coming from.  I don't want it in my asshole.  
  ...used Mom's pasta strainer to clean the fish tank. The little blue rocks had slime all over them, so i thought rinsing them would be a good idea. Later that evening Mom told me to make dinner for the family... tuna casserole. Well, after rinsing the cooked noodles and dumping them in with everything else, I noticed that there were little blue rocks stuck in the strainer. Not wanting to get my ass kicked for ruining dinner, I said nothing, and no one new the difference.  
  Rule # 1. On family Thanksgivings, never I repeat never, put the turkey neck down your pants and out your zipper then slap you young cousin on the forehead with it.  
  My college assigns rooms each year by lottery. One year I got really lucky, my number was well  below a hundred out of thousands. I ended up being  the second person to pick into the nicest dorm  on campus.   The first time I used the elevator in my new building  I actually felt superior to everyone riding the  elevator with me. All because my randomly  assigned lottery number was better than theirs.   
  I have a thing for Christopher Meloni.   Did you ever watch that show? "Oz"? On HBO?  I don't know, the prison sex between him and the other actor, what's his name, the guy who played Tobias Beecher, well, it was, Jesus, it was very hot.  And I'm a woman.  A straight woman.  Simulated gay prison sex between two men got me excited.  I need therapy.    
  I had just picked up my buddy and we were on our merry way to work, when a squirrel began flagrantly jaywalking in the road ahead. Being evil, my buddy said "Target aquired." Being evil myself, I hit the gas and veered a bit left of center to line up my hood ornament with the fuzzy beast. One could almost sense the creature's state of mind as it progressed, from mild amusement and a giddy thrill at once again tempting fate before a massive rolling bulk of steel, to some confusion as the engine grew louder, to panic as the vehicle actually turned to bear down on him directly. In a brilliant evasive maneuver, he ran at top speed in a one-foot circle. There was no audible or otherwise detectable thump as we passed over his general position, and my friend spun in his seat as I eagerly scanned my rearview mirror. Yep. There he was, a twitching squished squirrel street pizza, served hot and steaming fresh in the snow. I coldly blurt out, "He won't be making that Geico audition anytime soon." Later, at work, I felt guilty about it. Then I got high. Screw PETA. Screw the squirrel bastards.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Dr. Pepper is the shit. However, my campus doesn't carry it. So, I decide to get Hawaiian Punch, it is the drink i get when i want to have a good day. I stick in on the end of my desk, but of course i knock it over into some big girls book bag. Directly it falls hole down. Shit. She doesn't notice, nobody notices. I politely get the can out, get up and walk out. I was pissed, i lost my lucky drink.  
  The last time I shit my pants, I chucked my soiled, stinky underpants out my bedroom window (well, what the hell was I supposed to do w/them?) They sailed straight and true, and caught fast in the brambles of the no-mans land 'twixt my apartment bldg and the restaurant next door.  And there they stayed. I could see them clearly from like 3 different windows in my apt. And I kind of obsessed over them. I checked on them every day. Would they still be there? If not, who took them? What did they do with them? But no, everyday, there they were, fluttering and brown streaked, a tribute to the day when a lil' ol' fart turned out to be something more.  Time passed. I moved from that apartment. But I never forgot about my undies. I drove by there recently, just having to know if they were still there.  By Christ, they were.  I examined them closely. All those years of rains and snows, thaws and freezes have scoured them clean of my massive dump.  I'm thinking about reclaiming them. After all, they're my goddamn underwear.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Garbage day.  Got done whacking off.  Shit. The trash is empty. Where are the bags?  Oh wait. Mom sees one Kleenex in there, matted down and sopping wet... what'll happen?  Mr. Cool.   I open the cupboard, get a pack of matches, and go out to the living room.  Open the woodstove, and light the Kleenex up.  Smelled sickly sweet. I got covered with smoke that smelled like sugar and bongwater.   Set off the fire alarm.  Damn, Kleenexes give off a lot of smoke.  Had to explain to the alarm company that all was well.  And open the house to vent the smell/very light haze.  It's 30 degrees out.  "Why's it so cold in here?"  "Dunno, mom."  At least she didn't see the Kleenex.  Mission Accomplished.  
  I don't give money to homeless people. I figure that if I'm going to support someone's drug habit, it may as well be my own.  
  Grocery clerk entry #28: I'm sick of listening to old people fart. They don't even seem to notice it.  It just kind of 'falls' out of them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I was, just having eaten a cheese omelette that was probably undercooked, starting my half of a mile trek from the cafeteria to Japanese class.  1/4 mile: "Oh shit, I need to take a dump."  1/3 mile: "Ok, just loosen your belt.  Breathe deep.  Tighten your legs.  Squeeze your cheeks.  Walk faster.  Breathe, breathe, breathe."  2/5 mile: "Oh fuck."  It feels good for an instant, but the splat I hear from the excess shit that leaked from the inside of my denim shorts hitting the pavement makes me realize that I, 19 years old and in college, have just shit my pants.  In broad daylight.  I look at the soft, green brown putrid pile and see if the girl behind me saw.  She didn't (I think).  At the Japanese building: I go to the bathroomg, wipe things like crazy, and leave about half a roll's worth of soiled toilet paper in the toilet.  I wrap my soiled boxer shorts in about five layers of one-ply toilet paper and stuff it into my backpack.  I walk home going commando in my denim shorts, my dick chafing against my metal zipper the whole way.  At home I ended up tossing the soiled boxers since I do my laundry on the weekends.  I saw the place where the shit was two days later.  Strangely it looked cleaner than the surrounding areas.  
  I changed the greeting on my answering machine because it sounded whimpy. I said the same words but said them agressively. I wanted whoever called to know I was a strong woman. It is a very simple greeting, giving my phone number and then  telling the caller, "You may leave a message".  The next time someone called I let it go to the machine. After my greeting played, I heard a small male voice say, "I'm scared to" and then he hung up.       
  I came  I saw  I wiped it up with a dirty t-shirt and fell asleep.  
  So who is Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow anyhow?  Legend has it that he is the one who emptied the Rhine in 468 AD.  My granddaddy says he knew good 'ol Leo and that they were in the war together.  The legend of Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow is a mystery to me.  Did he stack pork?  Did he swallow corn?  Was his real name Leo?  Ack! These mysteries doth vex me!  Behold the legend of Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I told the stripper my name was Tim and she said:  Tiny Tim Taught me to swim Tied me up And left me at the bottom of the pool.  Then she gave me the best lap dance ever.  
  he told me the traumatic tale he finally got the nerve to ask her to the prom and was sweating bullets waiting the half a microsecod for her to answer yes she said yes he picked her up in his dads car and they showed up matching tux and dress etc they were standing together getting something to drink when he sneezed unexpecteddlt and blew snot all over the front of her dress he non chalantly waiped it off  left the building and never spoke to her again yikes        
  i used to go to school with this really hot chick. she was kinda quiet, you know.  and by quiet i mean she never said a word to me.  she went to a party once and got so drunk that she passed out.   now i know for a fact that you can pass out while drunk and that's normal and cool unless you pass out on your back.  i also know that you have to be drunk as fuck to shit yourself while passed out, which she did.  i wasn't at this particular party, but they tell me that she cleared out a two story house with about 150 people inside.  they also tell me that there was shit all over the walls.  we call her the Party Pooper.   
  Wife and I went to the grand opening of a new pub in the town we were living in. (Odakyu Sagami Hara, Japan) For a nominal cover charge, it was all you can eat and all you can drink. Since we lived within walking distance, we chose to take advantage of the deal, and proceeded to eat a bunch of yakisoba (spaghetti-like noodles), and a bunch of other stuff. (As if I really remember anything else from that night!) Walking home, hand-in-hand, we both were ill, but we didn't break stride; we simply turned our heads to the side and did a mini-hurl. "Blurrrreh!" and a mouthful of stuff would go flying out, and we would keep walking. We both did this for about a mile, and we laughed so hard that we ended up getting our legs tangled and falling down in the middle of the street, laughing up at the stars.  
  If you ever want a guy to leave you alone... threaten to stick a bloody pad to his back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I was in an auto-parts store wondering why the girl at the counter was smiling at me the way she was. I'm not the sort of person that gets a lot of smiles from anyone, you see. Well, except those nervous defensive smiles, but I digress.   It's when I'm walking out the door that I realise the wife-beater I'm wearing doesn't cover the rather serious looking claw marks on my shoulders and upper back.   I only wish they really had been the result of something more amorous than my sleeping on the floor every night and thus occasionally being run over by the dog.  
   little brown paper bags: 1.99  lighter: .99  latex gloves to handle dog poo with: 3.99  newly inflated sense of self worth: priceless        
  My boss is from another country and has done well learning English but there are still occasional problems.  She pronounces the 'sh' sound like in the word 'shout' as just an 's' sound like in 'sat.'    Well she felt that she should remind me that it was Ash Wednesday.  She then explained the custom of wiping ash on your forehead.  It was funny.  I guess you had to actually hear her say, "You rub a little ass on your forehead on Ass Wednesday," to fully appreciate it.  
  I have a great friend who is absolutely fine for being barely legal (so to speak) and younger than myself considerably.  Have bragged to others that our unlikely friendship is not only sound but temptation free.  The other night she confessed to having never had an orgasm despite attempts by both herself and others.  Which is kind of like saying "Oh I have some of that awesome stuff but I cant seem get the jar open".  Um.  Let me help you with that.  What are friends for?  
  There's nothing better than watching a fat dog attempting to take a shit on a patch of ice  classic  
   "Do you get salary at Wired?" he asked as I handed him the lime green tube of UltraBrite brand toothpaste, always on sale for $1.29.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  She was pretty cute. We were walking through the court yard of the high school. I liked her. I just didn't have much to say. I turned to my left and looked at the side of a building and said, "Hey look...stucco." I turned back to look at her just as she latched on to my face and gave me one hell of a kiss.  Stucco. It's gotten me laid too. But that's another story.  
  Chris Rock once said he's never met a drug pusher. No one's ever been "pushed" into drugs. You might be  offered  drugs, but the idea of drug  pushing  is silly.  In the same vein, I don't consider myself a drug dealer. I'm simply a pharmaceutical availability specialist.  
  i was hanging out with a few friends, and we decided to go moon people on the road (it was late)...  well, my pants were down around my ankles, when a police car pulls up, and we get tagged for indecent exposure and violating curfew.  
  My dad gave my mom a dutch oven on their wedding night.  It was the first time she slept with him. She was mortified.  
  22/01/02  When I was 14, I stopped at the Gap to buy a new bathing suit. My period had ended a couple days ago, so not only was I not wearing a pad or a tampon or anything, I didn't have one on me.   I took off the bathingsuit, and I noticed red streaks (like the ring a glass leaves) on the "protective strip" in the crotch. Horrified, I looked at my underwear to find that my period wasn't over, and that I've bled all over said pair. I hurriedly put my clothes back on, and book it home. (A 10-15min walk.)  I left the slightly soiled bikini bottom on the floor of the dressing room.  Oh well, not my problem...   
  I think Bob Saget is a dream boat.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i live with my mom. she and i are puter geeks. so one day, it is raining out. startin to turn into a thunderstorm. we were naturally just doin what we do on the puter, not minding the storm cause we got our surge protecter on. well, pretty soon, the thunder starts gettin louder, every so often the ground would shake also. we would each scream at each other (the rain was so loud) "wow that was close!" then the power goes out. now with nothing to do, we take a look outside (the storm is over now). there are branches everywhere, 3 trees ripped out of the ground by the roots, one tree hit the garage, and numerous other tree tops were broken and strewn about. we found out later there were 3 class 1 tornados that went through, but none touched ground. after all that, our pink flamingos were still stuck in the ground. god blessed our flamingos that day.  
  yeah so i was in high school and a couple of my friends had older brothers who went to a nearby college. so one weekend we go to some frat party and leave our girlfriends at home. so we're all drinking. everyone is drinking beer and im drinking vodka. as the night proceeds i start hooking with this random girl in front of everyone. my friends are all like dude you should fuck her. meanwhile a couple of girls we knew from highschool are there telling me "what about your girlfriend?" so im like fuck it. i take the girl upstairs. she has to pee. so im waiting with her in line and we're all over each over then my stomach starts to feel pretty shitty. so im like shit. whatever. the girl goes in to the bathroom. and im like shit. my fucking stomach aint fucking around. so i go into the nearest bedroom and puke all over the place. first time i ever threw up from drinking. so im scared as shit that someone is gonna see me in here with all the vomit so i bolt outta there. i go back to the bathroom and wait for the girl to come out. she never came out. never saw her again. i was fucking pissed. as it turns out, later in the night im talkin to my friends brother and he says to me..."dude, some fucker puked in my room. when we find him were gonna kill him" needless to say, i bounced.  
  A bat somehow got into the radio station this evening.  It flew around really confused for quite a while.  It would stop and hang from the ceiling sometimes, and if you stood under it and looked at it, it would look back and kind of open it's mouth as if to say help.  Eventually it flew down and landed on the floor and we got it into a box and let it go.  Man, bat's are cool.  
  A truly lowbrow moment...  I have actually crashed into my own two car garage and knocked it down...  Don't ask please don't ask.....      
  My proudest sexual moment?  Once, I analy probed my then-girlfriend with my finger.  I was a virgin.  I'd barely touched a girl before I touched her.    She called me a "dirty little angel."  
  There are a lot of questions people ask themselves throughout a typical day...such as what keeps my heart beating? what's the meaning of life?  and why the hell did i just pull an entire lock of somebody else's hair out of my asscrack....i mean really...what the hell  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every time i walk my dog really late at night, and there is no wind, or traffic or any other sounds, i hear him shit and thats disgusting  
  I had just finished throwing up in the wash basin in the ladies because there was a queue of ten girls outside the cubicles. Someone I didn't know held my hair back while I barfed and I remember thinking "It's not bad enough that I'm puking, but you're fucking hurting me too, Jesus if I don't get this over and done with I'll be bald by the time she's done".  I finished, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand a spat a few times. My face was pale and clammy, my eyes were red and my mascara was trailing big lazy lines down my cheeks. My nose was running.   I cleaned up a bit more, wiped my face so all of my makeup was gone and looked in the mirror. There, written in lipstick against my pale, washed out, puke flecked reflection were the words:  'You're too good for him'.  
  At the mid-sized state university I attended, there was a problem with Starlings.  Literally thousands of tiny birds were everywhere on campus.  Bird shit all over the tree lined pathways. The school administration had an idea to get rid of them, though.  At 5 pm everyday for about a year, a loud cannon was fired about 20 times in an hour.  An audio tape of birds being slaughtered was also played over the PA system in the football stadium.  Those birds didn't go anywhere.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          If I had the money...  I think I would buy as many video and computer games as humany possible. I would spend all my time with my pretties, having servants bring me meals.  They would also have to bring me fresh clothing and a fresh chair once or twice a day. Three or four times after mexican food.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one of my many joys while working at the marina... keeping the bathrooms locked and watching people try to get in. added plus... new profanity. Those Quebecois bastards really know how to let them fly.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am sitting at my computer searching on google for pictures of Brad Pitt shirtless.  For goal-related purposes only.  (Goal as in physique, not sexually.)  This is what being into fitness does to you. Wtf. All I wanted was a girlfriend.  And here I am looking at a gallery of 900 pictures of Mr. Pitt. Girlfriendless.  Arg.  
  When I was in college, I ordered a copy of the first porno I'd ever seen off the Internet. It had been my dad's, and after he'd caught me with it (I was about 11), he'd thrown it away.  So I finally got it for myself a few years ago, and had just held onto it (as we are wont to do with important things like porn).  I moved back in with my parents a few months ago, to save some money, and now I'm packing to move out again.  I just realized that I can't find this porno. It's easy to notice, because I only own one other.  And I mean, all my stuff was in boxes in the basement that I haven't touched. Except that the box my videos were in wasn't closed. And after we got water in the basement awhile ago, my dad did move all my boxes around.  I think he might have ganked my porno.  But I can't really blame him. It was my fault he had to throw his first copy away.   
  When I was in the navy I stood countless hours of watch with a guy from Hawaii who said totally random funny stuff.    One day after 8 or so hours of being on watch, I was zoning out pretty bad, just watching all the meters and thinking about how I really wanted to be back in port.  My coconut friend comes up and asks "Hey man, when you're boning a chick from behind, do you ever hear that bionic man noise in your head, you know, the da-da-da-da-na-na-na-naaaaa sound?"  "Nope." I said.  "Hmmmm.  Must just be me then."  To this day that shit is still funny to me.  Thanks coconui.  
  When I was 19 the cool thing to do was to go into Canada and get loaded at strip clubs and bars.  SO one night we all pile into my car and head for the clubs.  We even planned for a DD.  End of the night comes and our DD is puking on the side of the curb.  So we take turns driving until we get a mile from the US/Canada border.  We flip a coin and I lose, so I'm behind the wheel, very drunk.  3 of my friends are sharing a garbage bag taking turns puking in it, front seat passenger is passed out.  We get to the border crossing and there's a 18-wheeler infront of me at the check point.  I've never been awake for the check point protocol.  So the arm goes up the truck pulls through and so do I.  Out of nowhere 1 Border Patrol SUV blocks me, 3 cops with guns drawn, with one of the guns inches from my skull.  They take us inside, search us (and a few of my buddies got the ass search), rip my car apart and 6 hours later we're on our way again.  I didn't go to Canada for nearly 6 years, but they let me back in.  
  I had nut surgery once. There was like 14 doctors in the room just to remove a hydrocele from my sac. I felt so important, having all these doctors working hard so that I would be more comfortable when I jerk off.  
  I was standing outside of the bar, and my recently ex-girlfriend was taking off in her car. I was really pissed off at her and flipped her off with both guns. I turned my head at a noise and a buddy of mine was facing the other way, completely unaware of my little moment, and was doing the same exact thing to his recently exxed girlfriend who was driving the other way.  Spooky.  
  I have no sympathy for people who are killed at railroad crossings by trying to beat the train. I figure these are probably the same people who rush to beat me in line at the supermarket.  
  Although Mrs. R------ looked like a nice little old lady, she was in fact a raging agressive abusive bitch, and being in her high school English class was a nightmare. She alternated between verbally attacking and putting us down, to forgetting our names due to her senility.  Before lunch one day we stuffed the latch-hole in her classroom doorjamb with paper so that it wouldn't lock, and as soon as she was gone we entered the room and began the fun.  Working quickly, we took all the drawers out of her old style desk, then turned the desk upside down. Then we put all the drawers back in, right side up, and then flipped the desk right side up again. This left the drawers, with their contents, upside down in a right side up desk.   Then we cleared the paper from the latchhole, closed and the door behind us allowing it to lock, and went and got some lunch.  I was fortunate enough to be in her class the period after lunch, and was hardly able to keep a straight face when she pulled out her pen drawer and the contents avalanched into her lap. The senile battleaxe got a puzzled look on her face, and one by one pulled all the drawers out, the contents piling up on the floor.   By this time the whole class was laughing, so I was able to let it out and laugh along too.  She was so confused and puzzled that it took her a few minutes to realize that she had been the butt of a very funny prank and become enraged, but I don't think she ever figured out how the prank was pulled.   
  wait wait wait now and they tearass across the lawn a quick hop onto the short wall and two three four heavehos and st patrick plummets his mitredhead plowing into the rainsoaked ground like a tentpeg a round of beers on his upturned pedestal and the inevitable police sirens running full bore across the lawn down toward the parking lot slip on the pavement damned rental shoes  and the kneeshredding elbowskinning tumble as three perfectly good tuxedos are ruined         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         smoking some coastel chronic from BC in my old apartment, located in cracktown, campbell river, i go to the usually empty fridge to find some munchies. low and behold a jar or pickled asparagus that i had gotten for christmas and that i had been slowly eating, alas, it was empty. it did however contain the pickle brine, now, beign the jerk i am, i use my godlike powers of persuassian and call over my halfwitted roomate danny, along with him follows my best friend jess, and my other good friend bryce. i explain how i have just recently run out of pickled A. and tell them how good it was and that danny should drink it, he, of course objects. i persue, asking more frequently, and with many reasons why he should, i am making progress. i am almost about to get him to drink it, when my friend jess chimes in, "i'll drink it", now, not that i had anything against him drinking it, i just would have preffered my roommate to. jess, takes the jar of pinky green brine from my hands and proceeds to take a small drink.. after which he looks at us all and says "hey, thats good". my room mate then takes the jar and takes a swig, concurring that the concoction was tasty, bryce is next, he takes a swill of it and agrees. standing there, with all looking at me,i wonder, how the hell and i the one whos now expected to drink this shit, i grab the jar and take a gulp...it was actually pretty good... did i win or lose?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was two weeks past my due date when they finally decide to induce labor, thus thrusting me into the cold harsh world.  My fucking 21st birthday falls on Thanksgiving.  If you are a Doctor, Midwife, or pregnant.....plan for that kinda shit so this doesn't end up happening to your kid.  
     It's okay to make people laugh, as long as you don't hold a gun to their head and force them to.     
  Every year my family comes to my house for Thanksgiving.  One year my cousin got her tounge pierced.  Everyone kept giving her crap about it before dinner started especially my dad. Half way into dinner, my mom pours herself a fourth glass of wine, stares at my cousin, and goes "Gee, I don't know what everyones problem is I would love to get one of those, they'd be great for giving blowjobs, dont you think Phillip(my dad)"  At which point a hunk of white meat fell out of my elderly aunts mouth and onto the floor.    
  There's a real satisfaction in knowing that the post you made at lowbrow is going to randomly pop up in front of somebody and maybe even make them shit their pants.  Sorta like the fresh placenta I left in an enticing looking grocery bag on the El train.  
  One of the exes liked to pull my hair when we had sex. Not even in passion, but an automatic tug every thirty seconds or so.  He was not amused when, after a few minutes of this, I whinnyed like a horse and yelled "whoa, Trigger!"  
  The place was call 'Eat & Park' and she and her friends loved going there.  I called it 'Eat & Puke' after the explosive shits I got from eating there when we once spent the weekend home from college in her hometown.  She was very amused.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm in a Greyhoud Bus Station and it's very very late.  I go into the men's room and am stopped at the sinks by a Shouty Man who trottles a small brown paper bag at me.  "WANNA BUY SOME SPAM? THREE DOLLARS," he shouts and peels the bag away, revealing the blue and yellow tin within.  "Ah... no thanks," I say, eager to piss and get back on the bus.  "BUT IT'S THE GOOD SPAM," shouts Shouty Man.  "Well, if it's the GOOD Spam," I say while digging into my pockets.    
   there was this one time when i spooed(shot a load)that was so big we both had to take a shower and wash our hair.  ha ha i shot the motherload      
  we were so high i couldn't tell if was actually touching himself on the sly or if i just wished he was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was having a pretty uninventful day at home when my dad started bitching...I don't even know what it was about. He's always bitching about something, so I've learned to drown him out. But this time, as I was drowning him out, I hear my 2 year old sister tell my dad that she was going to "kick his ass". God, I love that little girl!  
  Quick Blonde Joke: Why can't Bloneds Water Ski?  Whenever they get wet they want to lay down.  Funny, hardy har har. My 9 Year older sister just told me that..  Should I be affraid or proud? Life is tormenting my moral standards, damn it!  
  When I was little, my brother and I used to fight alot...  Once, when he was taking a piss, I sneaked up behind him to scare him; he turned around and pissed on my feet!  So I chased him around the house, caught him, held him down by putting my knees on his arms, whipped out my wang, and pissed right on his chest!  God I felt bad about that...  
  "you can't have children," my mother said. we were standing in the crib aisle at Toys-R-Us, killing time before a movie. "you can't have children because I refuse to get them plastic furniture."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i bet santa clause was orginally a theif who, as well as stealing people's valulables, enjoyed raiding people's kitchens for milk and cookies.   one fateful day, he entered somebody's home via their chimney. unfortunately for him, they had a large plentiful supply of both milk AND cookies. after stealing several precious items, he tried to mak his way back up the chimney - but alas! the consuming of his goodies lead to his downfall - after getting stuck, he had to make up a story about giving them christmas presents (aka other's stolen goodies!) and being named 'santa clause', and that he needed milk and cookies to give him energy.    being the stupid family they must've been, they believed him BANG! another tradition started.  
  6 times getting drunk, high or otherwise wasted using combinations of  5 drugs over a  4 day weekend with  3 different women, I posted  2 lowbrow moments and still had  1 day to recover before work on Monday.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't wonder why I got a D on the final exam, I did, after all, draw a monster eating a stick figure (labeled me) as the answer to number 5.  
  Walking past a heavily armed Secret Service contingent, with police backup, I let a huge Taco Bell burrito supreme carpet bomb fart.   What are they going to do, arrest me for farting?  
  5am His side of the bed was empty. Walked over to the computer room. Opened the door.  Porn onscreen. Pants around his ankles. Hand on his hardware.  busted  
  Working, I see him go to steal the DVDs.  "Hey man, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"  Smiling, he lifts up his shirt and reveals to me his Crocodile Dundee style knife.  I spent the next several minutes just talking knives with the guy.  They should fire me.  
  Drinking by the bay in Groton CT: A very soused member of our party suggests that we punish him for past transgressions by boxing him in the head.  We complied without pulling any punches and he landed in the filth and trash beside the track bed a better man.  j  
  I am a procrastinator. I also keep a diary. Today, I told my diary that I think I have A.D.D.  I justified it with the fact that a) I zone out a lot and b)I waste the time I should be studying on arbitrary stuff like lowbrow, TV, and ... writing in my diary. Enraged by the irony, I called my diary an enabler and signed out the day's entry so I could post the moment. ENABLER!!!!!!!!  
  I used to go nuts when I saw guys walking around with the asses of their jeans around their knees.  Drove me right up the wall....I  SO wanted to go up and pants them.  Then I wound up in bed with one of them.  Now I know why they wear them so baggy.  Damn.  
  Two friends in a public restroom, one is washing his hands, the other in midst of a great bowel movement.  The dunging man calls to his friend, in an attempt to make use of good toilet humor. "HEY!  this looks like a loaf of bread! If you pushed little eyes in it, it would scare the hell out of people! MY GOD, its a perfect model of my large intestine!"  He steps out of the stall, only to find a stranger looking back at him, as if he was from another world. The hand washer had left quietly...and quickly!        
  I've been wearing briefs my whole life- something like 40 years. A few days ago, while picking up some socks at K-Mart (shopping at the K is always a lowbrow experience in itself), on a wild hair I picked up a set of boxers. Guys, take the advice of an old fart. Boxers are definitly worth a couple of extra bucks. Switch over today - your 'nads will thank you. I feel like I've been cheating myself for 40 years.  
  Once again, working in the lawless profession of the golf industry... My friend had brought in pot cookies. So we had a few, and then ordered some dominos. The usual day of work. Then the 50 something year old golf pro comes around the corner and asks. Anymore pizza?  We respond: NO, but theres plenty of cookies! As we struggle not to die laughing he marches off handsfull of coookies. he must have drove home stoned as the bejeezus belt. poor old fogey  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Back In Blighty, For The First Time  Newly married, and newly off the plane. I take the shuttle into downtown London, and get dropped off at 12:30am. I'm Scottish, which means that I'm far too cheap to pay the extra &pound;30 to fly into Prestwick, which is within walking distance of where I live. I literally walk out of London, and I'm starving. The only food place I can find open is (get this) a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet. It was quite good. Dawn comes. So does the start of the M1 motorway, thank goodness. I must have walked fifteen miles with a seabag on my shoulder. Two hours go by, in the rain (of course -- this is Britain), then a car stops. He makes me sit in the back. No problem. At least it's not raining inside the car. Then he takes off up the M1, driving carefully at exactly 30mph (a reasonable and safe speed would be 75). We talk. He seems somewhat marginal. He's wearing a sheepskin coat in August. He sits sideways, with one arm across the wheel. Every now and again, he lifts his arm to see the speedometer. If he's going faster than 30, he puts the brakes on. Hours go by. The conversation goes exactly like this: Every few minutes, he says: "Aaright back there?" Or he spots a woman on the side of the road, or anyhwere: "Do, wunnit?" (She would be accepable for a fling, wouldn't she?) More hours go by, with about a mile of traffic backed up behind us, honking. He, shouting out the window: "Whass yer bleedin' problem?" I'm miving north, after all, but fawking slowly. I explain that I need to sleep, and I can't ever sleep in a car. He sadly drops me off at the next service area. I immediately grab another ride, a neat woman without an obsession about sticking to 30mph (I checked before I got in). She drops me off, hundreds of miles north. I go to the back of the hitchhiking line. A long time later, my sheepskin guy drives by, slowing. I turn my face away and yell to everyone: " Don't go with this guy!  One of them gets in, nonetheless...   
  Probably lowbrow when I was doing the "wild thing" with my girlfriend through a hole in the crotch of her sweatpants, just in case her parents knocked on the bedroom door.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a little boy, I used to think the vaginal opening was located on the front of a woman's crotch.  After all, that's where the hair is.  
  all's fair in love and war although hand grenades are generally reserved for the latter        
   Actually, I like English food.  At least I can read the menu.  Order something in Paris and God knows what you'll get. Once in France, I accidently ordered  a lamb's head (with eyes intact) in cream sauce.  That was concluded by a beautiful looking apple pie that was sour (sour like a lemon)       
  Naming your willy? A friend of mine today.. we had quite a discussion Apparently, it's the girlfriend's job to do this.  Personally, whenever I was in a relationship, winky was always referred to as "he" or "your penis".. or "his penis".. I never named anything.. the odd minds of boys..    I don't see the point.  It's a piece of muscle! Someone give me the insight!   Why the naming?!?   
  I had a boyfriend with a cock ring. After a while I quit giving him blowjobs.  He kept thinking this ring was the greatest thing and I kept thinking I was going to get tooth knocked out.   
    Bathroom Smells Like Shit GALENA PARK, TX--The second-floor men's room of a Sysco Vending office building smells like shit, disgusted employee Art McCune reported Tuesday. "Jesus Christ, it smells like actual human feces in here," McCune said. "I'm serious--it's like someone walked in, dropped his pants and underwear, straddled a bowl, excreted nearly a pound of fecal matter out of his anus, and then walked right out again." Building custodian Byron Withers apologized for the foul odor, assuring Sysco staffers that by the following morning, the bathroom would be back to smelling like bleach.       
  Not my moment, but my parents... A telemarketer called, he answered, and told the guy in a very sad voice that he couldn't talk just now, as his wife had just died and he was in the midst of funeral preparations. (My mom, of course, was sitting there giggling.) The telemarketer said "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll call some other time when it's more convenient." And sure enough, three days later, the crazy bastard did. My dad answered again and the telemarketer announced who he was and asked how my dad was. "You stupid motherfucker, I'm still grieving, how do you think I am?" my stepfather roared, and hung up. My mom answered the phone later in the week, and when the same telemarketer asked to speak to my stepfather, my mom said he wasn't around but that she was the Mrs. There was a brief silence, and the poor schmuck said "He remarried already?"  "No" replied my mom, "I rose from the dead, it's a damn miracle!" He never called back.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got home from the three day trip, grabbed some tissue paper to shoot my load into, and plopped into my computer seat, clicking up my porn collection. I put the tissue down, then looked next to it and saw two or three olde tissues, bunched up, rock hard from the dried jizz they contained. I laughed my ass off and threw them away. Man I'm a slob  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wake up and roll over.  4 AM.  More like regained consciousness.  Still drunk from the party that I passed out at.  I stumble my way to the bathroom cause I'm about to birth a brown baby boy.  Lift up the lid and sit down.  The seat is surprisingly cold, and the hole is huge.  I proceed to do my thing.  I stand up when finished and look down.  I accidentally lifted up the seat as well as the lid.  I feel my self esteem increase.    
  Grocery clerk entry #24: I firmly believe that a woman is aware of every bit of skin showing on her body.  That said, tonight I drink to the skinny b-cup chick that bent over and flashed her cans to me today so she could grab the mac-n-cheese.  
  Pixie Stix are evil. Especially those really big ones.  I ate one at a convention once, and it got me extremely sugared up. Some friends and I grabbed bags and buckets of candy and paraded all through the hotel with them, telling everyone we saw that we would give them a piece of candy in exchange for a kiss on the cheek or anything more creative.  We were probably the most popular people there (except for Elvira, of course).  When I came home, though, I had to hide my hickeys from everyone with makeup.  
  My best friend and I, having coffee at a coffee clone place outside, smoking cigarettes, discussing her upcoming surgery. For no apparent reason, not being in a relationship or even looking for one, she decided that she wanted to get her tubes tied. We both have 2 girls from 2 major relationships in our lives. I didn't quite understand it, but what the hey. Her life, and I'm there for her, yanno?  So we're talking, and she says, "The chances of me getting back with either father are slim to none, and I don't want to get pregnant from a third relationship."  I think about it.   "Yeah," says I.  "That would be tacky."  We continue to smoke in silence, until what I said hits us. Then we laugh until tears stream down our faces.    
  Five of us from work were riding in the back of a pickup truck that was beginning to cross over a large suspension bridge at 65 miles per hour. One guy, Frank, was getting real nervous, and said he was really "freaked out" about crossing high bridges. He said it made him nauseous and panicky. I told him to just relax as he lay on the floor of the truck bed and then told him a dumb joke to try and loosen him up.  At the punchline, he laughed so hard, he began throwing up. The turbulent wind behind the cab of the truck instantly swirled the flying chunks around in a huge cloud of yellow-off white vomit, coating everything! The other guys were now yelling and flaling about, and two of them began to vomit too! A unbelievable hurricane cloud of puke again fogged our vision for a few seconds, and covered everything! Strangely, as vomit fog cleared, we looked at ourselves covered in slime and could only laugh hysterically at what had just happened. Laugh, puke, yellow cloud, laugh harder, puke again, yellow cloud....shit, we were out of control!  As we pulled up to the toll booth on the other side, we calmed down and everything got real quiet. The guy in the booth just stared at us soaking wet fools in the back of the truck. Then Frank said...."Ok, now tell HIM that one!".  We erupted in laughter again, and drove off. Damn, I still laugh about it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I bring home toilet paper from work every day.       
  Nervous over the cold sore on his lip, but feeling bouyed by his new tassle Mocs, he walked with apparent confidence into the Starbucks.        
  Burning here, frozen there-- Goldilocks would've starved if the bear family cooked using a microwave oven.        
  I brought a new girlfriend home one Christmas evening to meet my family.   "Family", says I, "meet Donna. Donna meet Family."  "Donna, can I smell your pussy?" my father queries of her.  "uhhhhh.... what?!" came her startled reply.  "Can I smell your pussy?" he repeats.  A puzzled but worried "No" was her answer.  "Oh.. must be your feet."  Hell, even I laughed my ass off at that one.  
  New neighbourhood. Hopefully the neighbours are just a little more civilized than the last bunch. I walk across the street with my boy to invite some kids to play with him. We knock on the door, and it opens into some kind of unfathomable urban hell. Several unidentified adults lying around smoking weed and watching old re-runs. Nobody claims the kids or gives a shit where they go. Oh well. The kids come over and go nuts playing, except for the 7 year-old little Jon Benet girl. She stands by my side smiling constantly. Perhaps you can sense what is coming. I make her some noodles, and all the kids immediately descend on us. They're literally starving. I make another batch of noodles, and they also vanish without a trace. Then the kids vanish without a trace, upstairs. Except for Jon Benet. She wants to sit in my lap. She  really  wants to sit in my lap. Oh shit not again. Yup, again. Second time this year I've been offered a blow job by a seven year-old, both of them insisting that they were really good at it. I put in another call to my cop friends. Fuck the world -- I want to get off.  
  3/3/03  While we're on the subject of handjobs, I got one while at a free Kool & the Gang outdoor concert.  Celebrate good times, indeed.    
  it takes exactly 1 hour in the freezer of my fridge to make sure that my beer is ice cold and drinkably delicious....it took me two years of exploding bottles and drinking piss warm beer to discover this.  7 minutes left and counting.  
  I spotted a folded $20 on the sidewalk. I picked it up, trying not to be obvious and jump for joy.   It was a religious pamphlet, disguised as a $20 to "shame" you for being so greedy, then lure you into a church group.  I cursed God and threw it in the garbage.  
    I was sitting in a bar, drinking my pint alone, and a man sat down next to me.  He was middle aged, and his clothes were a bit rumpled, but he had a nametag on, so he'd obviously just come from work.  The smell was overpowering--not just body odor, but the stench of dirty armpits that have never seen deodorant or, I suspected, soap.  It was an odor that had fermented.  I wonder if extreme body odor has an inverse effect on yearly income.      
      Hey, he said, I talked to her and she like said she'd rather go out with a writhing ball of intestinal worms than your brother. I smirked; she was mine.    
  One of the first times I ever got drunk.  Woke up in the morning. Went to get stuff the trunk of my friend's car and found a fridge door. A fridge door.  
  One time in high school I took a bunch of townies I'd been selling bags to a couple miles out of town to smoke a bunch of weed. We were sitting on my tailgate out in the woods and I looked over at this girl I barely knew. She was turning a very strange shade of pale blue, her eyes were rolling back in her head, and she was shaking. - - "Holy shit, she's having a fucking seizure!" "No, that happens every time she smokes dope..."  
  my mouth was full of a giant piece of pineapple covered with chocolate marshmallow oreo fondue, and i had JUST put that sucker in there...suddenly palmer, who was perched precariously on the edge of her chair so she could dip into the fondue pot easier, falls in such a beautiful, legendary manner (long blonde hair flowing behind her as she drops toward the floor, arms flying all over the place, loud scream) that i actually laugh, throw up, cry, cough and pee my pants at the same time.    i am the master.  
  I got really drunk tonight and needed to piss really bad.  I got off the subway and looked for a public restroom.  There was nothing around, so I asked this dude working at this fancy hotel garage is there was any place to piss.  He took me into the middle of the garage and pointed to a drain on the ground.  I asked him if he was serious and he said yes.  So I pulled myself out and had a great piss, surrounded by Jaguars and BMW's.    
  this guy I know was thirty, had just broken up with his twenty year old girl friend. He was complaining that her fifteen year old sister kept coming around trying to get into his pants:  "You can get into too much trouble with underagers. I told her to fuck off and come back when she's sixteen."  A few months later I went around and she was in his bed.  "Happy Birthday." I called as I passed the bedroom door.  She'd turned sixteen the day before, and got just what she wasnted.  
  If I had my way, I would integrate pornography into video and computer games and make sure that interactive pornography is readily available to anyone of age who wanted them.  I would make a magazine called "SEX" since that's what all these other loser mags are trying to be.  I would make movies with casual graphic depictions of sexual acts and abstracts, paving the way to the eventual broadcasting hardcore porn on network television. I'd make sure to make Sex: The Lathering Trading Card game.  I would be responsible for modern culture to further accept bizarre and currently taboo things.  I would do this, and you'd hear my evil name to blame for widespread perversity, cursed in the houses of conservatives and the houses of Gods the world over.  Glorious.        
  This friend of mine was in a meeting one day with half her company listening to some stuff about "Creating a Respectful Workplace".  Then all of a sudden, this Human Resources guy opens up a can of creamstyle corn and starts slurping it like a 5 year old drinking soup.  He then asks if she wanted any.  My friend said that was OK.   She already ate and was probably no longer hungry after all that.    I wonder if he understood the irony of the situation being the type of meeting it was.    
  Remember how you started sleeping with me even though I worked at Arby's in a shit-hole town, had acne and a mouse living in the mattress we slept on? I still laugh about that.  Man, get some self-esteem.       
  Ever sat down and thought about Star Trek, then the spin-off series Deep Space Nine, then about Deep Penetration, which rhymed with Jenna Jameson, while eating a bean and cheese burrito that was hot on the outside and an icicle in the middle? Neither have I.  
  I'm chatting with a very pretty young woman and her fiance.  Turns out they're getting married in six months.  Me: "You'd better do it sooner than that -- someone (wink wink) might scoop her up."  He: "We're saving for a downpayment."  Me: "I'm not hurting for cash. Could you use $100,000?"  She: "You'd give us that much?"  Me: "Sure, in return for just one night..."  When she stops laughing, she comes back: "No way! You'd end up dead and we'd never get our hundred grand."  He, smiling wide: "She's something, ain't she?"  Must admit: that's one of the best comebacks I've ever heard.  
  ever have sex on a moving fraight train? it's pretty fun. you can scream as loud as you want, if you're into that, but the noise of the train drowns out the more subtle noises, like moans and grunts and, well, talking. you get jostled aground a lot, too. i guess we made that farmer guy's day, though, when we passed by his field a little bit later while struggling to get our clothes back on.  
  One fun game is to imagine which celebrities have various VDs. My guesses:  Larry King, Calista Flockhart, : Crabs  Christina Aguilera: Anal Warts  Kid Rock, Lief Garret,  : The Works  Corey Feldman, P-Diddy: Herpes  
  You know you're too lazy when you piss in an empty twenty ounce Hawaain Punch bottle instead of opening the door and walking ten feet.  Especially when you get pee on your chair from trying to pee without standing up.  Damnit. sigh  
  The phrase "cheapens the brow" still cracks me up, no matter how many times that moment comes up.  
  I can't sleep. My mother hears me walking around at like 3 in the morning and comes down to see what's wrong. "Tea," is what she says when she hears of my plight. After finding out that I've already tried that, she laughs. "Try masturbating," she replies, "That always puts me to sleep." She leaves the kitchen with offers to buy me a dildo for my birthday.  
  Last year, my friends and I had this thing where everyone was a country from WWII.  And our discriptions fit us of how we deal with crisis'.  I was America, cause I always "butt my head in every one else's business and cause havoc doing it." Two things to ponder there....  
  I was having lunch with my grandma one day at a Chinese food restraunt. The food was taking forever and I was starving to death.  Eventually, they bring out our eggrolls as an appetizer, I dig right in taking a huge bite.  What I didnt know is they JUST came out of the deep fat fryer, and were scaldingly hot.  My mouth was burning, so it seemed like a good idea at the time to swallow. I did, and realized the burning sensation was traveling with the food down my throat.  As a result I had some sort of wierd convusion, which caused me to slap myself across the face, hard.   I have no idea why or how it happened, but next thing I know everyone was laughing at me. Fuckers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Given that pot smokers are, in general, of above average intelligence, the battle rages between my roommates and myself:  Is it the pot that makes you smart?  Or is it the intelligence that makes you seek out pot in the first place?  
  He was a forty-two year old bald man that I met through the internet.  The first and only man I "cybered" with.    He's older than my parents...  At that moment, I knew that I had hit a new low.    
  I can crank more paperwork than even god would want to. I can put things in categorized folders in neatly marked cabinets. Semper File! I can take the ribbing of my co-workers and the feined appreciation from my fat-assed, ignorant boss while she secretly thinks I'm an idiot for working so hard. I can take the shitty pay and the life-killing hours and the endless stream of bullshit that comes with the long commute.  Because no-one but the CEO knows that I am his daughter and that in 17 weeks and 3 days, they will all be working for me. Stupid fucks, I'll fire them all...       
  so today i mentioned something about johnny cash to my roommate and, not knowing what i was talking about, he looked at me and said "sorry, i don't listen to much rap"  
  Grocery clerk entry #34: One of my supervisors gets pissed if she sees us sitting on the floor to put stock on the bottom shelf.  She claims it reduces productivity.  There is no other friggin way to get to the back of the bottom shelf.  The next time she gives me shit for it, I'm going to tell her I'm not a twelve year old Chinese contortionist and she can kiss my ass.  
  I love video games. I have since I was eight and I bought my Nintendo with my savings. A whole hundred dollars, but that's neither here nor there.   Now, fourteen years later, I have begun reliving my childhood along with many others. There are people out there who remix classic video game music. As I have no talent, I just listen to it. A lot. Recently I discovered one labeled "Prolouge" and began to listen to it. Half way through the music changed from the actual prolouge to a reworking of the same theme for the closing credits. I cocked an ear and looked at my girlfriend and said "That's not the prolouge! That's a part of the concluding theme as the characters are reflecting over all the shit they went through." She looked at me and then looked down at her coffee.   I need to talk less.  
  last night  got hammered at a local bar.  i left through the backdoor without paying and set off the alarm.  when i got to my car, my keyring was empty, meaning my keys had fallen off somewhere in the parking lot.  i grabbed the hide-a-key from under the back bumper and drove home badly.  i then slept in the backseat until daylight. i woke up and drove back to the bar parking lot to find my keys.  i found my car key first, which i now had two of, counting the hide-a-key.  i need the goddamn house key!  continue hunting for it.  take a big, open to the public, daylight piss in the parking lot.  found the house keys, drove home, called in sick to work and went to sleep.  i'll be getting a copy of my house key made today, and it will be stored in the car.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In retrospect I guess I should have known...  He said "Don't worry since they haven't taken your name, you can just leave."  Unfortunately we happened to be at the police station at the time.  Like I said in retrospect I guess I should have known.  I should have known that someone who has dropped out of high school 2 times is NOT a person to take legal advice from.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Jesus, I could really go for a McDonald's cheeseburger right now.  I could make a bigger, better burger myself that wouldn't make me feel like shit later -and I even have the shit to do so. But Jesus, I could really go for a McDonald's cheeseburger right about now.  What do they put in them things anyway?  
  There was a hot girl - a good friend of mine - that I desperately wanted to screw. I took her out a few times. Bought her dinner, movies, got some good drunks on. Kissed her. It seemed to be going OK, albeit slowly. We slept in the same bed more than once, but she remained distant on some level and never had sex with me. I couldn't quite figure out why we never really got it on... ...Anyway, blah blah blah, a couple years later... ... She and my girlfriend were discussing me. She said one of the nights that she slept in the same bed with me and  wasn't  passed out drunk, she was kept awake all night by the disgusting smell of my raunchy farts. Mystery solved!  
  My sister is in love with Axl Rose.  That's not the worst part.  She's actually proud of this.  That's STILL not the worst part.  The WORST part is that she's 34.  You can take the trash outta the trailer park.....  
  The other dangerous thing about mixing NyQuil with vodka is you never realize you have had too much until your date knocks at the door and you can't get off the couch.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A public service announcements to all the hipster chicks out there:  No matter what current fashion may say, the Betty Page haircut does not look attractive on anyone.  Dont do it.  I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm only trying to help.       
  he writes:   ashe,  regarding your moment about your soulmate being the creator of lowbrow.com: there are actually two of us.  and as your luck would have it, he's married, and well, i'm gay.  thanks for playing.  :)    god damit.  at this rate... im surely gonna be the old crazy lady with all the cats...  
  My friend is in school to become a Pediatrician's Assistant.  She's been doing the schooling for about 18 months, and during that time she does the vocab at home (well, duh)  She has a 4 year old kid, who is not only in some of her more impressionable years, but she's fucking smart, too.  We were in one of the centers of fascist corporate America when some guy in line in front of us farted, rather explosively.  Now my friend's daughter, unfortunately, is just about at ass-height, so she got the full force of that fart.  She also got revenge when she said, in that kids' voice that carries for miles, "That man has an infection.  His flatus is rotten."  
  I got the link to lowbrow out of the profile of the first net friend I met in person  The only time I ever saw him we spent the afternoon fooling around in the basement of my parents house and he went down on me.  hes 5 years older than me  I was 14.  It all comes together.  
  Eating the ear. Getting to the body, where it all suddenly thins out. Then realizing the chocolate easter bunny is hollow. It always sucks when you realize something that looks solid is hollow.        
  i had some sex once while driving my honda down i-94 at in wisconsin... it's not easy, but it is possible... the truckers all beeped at us when we passed them. she wouldn't let me bust a nut... "you'll crash" she said. i didn't tell her about all the orgasms i've had, alone, while driving down similar highways, without causing an accident. another time, another girlfriend gave me road-blow in montana... that time i went blind momentarily and almost crashed into a semi. but the first girl wasn't nearly as talented and i was blue-balled and pissed.  but she made it up to me when we got back to milwaukee.  
  It's 4am again, and I'm bleary-eyed, plotting how to avoid sleep and how I shall waste the many hours that separate me from tomorrow.  My skills at avoiding the inevitable are unparalled.  God, I wish I was drunk.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  an old friend came to town.  we gave him his warm washington state welcome  hog tied him in duct tape and then ripped the hair off his ass with duct tape  we filmed it all too  
  it saddens me that in this day and age, so very few people understand the profundity, relevance and absolute perfection of the statement, "that's good bass".  how is it possible that so many have grown up without knowing the joy of the Bass-O-Matic 3000?  a crying fucking shame.  
  Nasal drain:  Surfers often experience this after a good surf session - the sudden, sodden, and very surprising drainage of an alarming amount of water, coming out of you nose/sinuses - and often HOURS after getting out of the ocean.  It's pretty funny when it happens while you're kissing a girl...     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he said:  "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."   ahhhh, life in chicago  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         His friend was trying to shock me. He finally went off on some babble about how he has this ultra-hot girlfriend, and all the kinky sex they have, and how he never has say anything, she just fucks and sucks like there's no tomorrow. "And," he crows, "she's only 14! But you know the REALLY disturbing part?" "When she asks for change back?" I said.   
  in third and fourth grade, i had insane buck teeth, aviator-shaped glasses, and a massive mullet.  i could often be seen in neon clothing, and was a "teacher's pet." it's a wonder i didn't get beat up more often.  
  Do you ever wonder if the folks behind lowbrow.com --  (I know it's, like, TJay and maybe some other people, but I only know that much from what I've gleaned from the postings, so I'd feel like a weak-ass poser -- more of a weak-ass poser, anyway -- if I just dropped any names matter-of-factly) --  anyway, do you ever wonder if the folks behind lowbrow.com have something even more diabolical planned? A Next Step? A true revolution, to which this site is merely a laughable though fundamental precursor? Sort of like at the end of "Fight Club"?  I'd like that.  
  she said to me "well it's not like i just go up to strangers and start making out with them or anything." to which i replied "then again you did meet me on a plane and started sucking on my tongue 1 hour in to the ride" ... "oh... well thats different"  
  New people moved in where the Skank From Okie used to live. We said hi a few times when we'd pass by, then one day the guy invites us into the back yard to see his lawn. It was lush and green and beautiful, while those around it were brown and scraggly. "I just don't understand it" he said, running his hands through the grass and pulling up a handful to sift the soil between his palms.  "Yeah, it's... great" I said, restraining myself not to laugh hysterically at the thought of how oh so many times Skank had shit in the back yard, too drunk to go inside the house.   We managed not to shake hands with him when we left.   
  my person lowbrowest....  its 11:46 pm (central time), june 7 2002  im in the four points sheraton hotel in tuscaloosa, alabama. using the comp in the "business center". im from north carolina, but im here with my rents fr their HS reunion. you have to understand, i FUCKING hate alabama. only ugly girls and rednecks.   my gf back home has been sending me nudie picture of herself, so its late and i wander and im at a computer with kaaza....so you can guess what happens.  i turn off the lights, and whack it. too boot, i spray on the keyboard. ahh sweet revenge.  so if your at the four points sheraton hotel in tuscaloosa, alabama, then you have my semen on your hands.  whats even more fucked up is that im sure the night manager was doing the same thing.  i cant wait for the poor sap to be where i am now and read this.....  
  Her feet were amazing - each digit almost as long as a finger.  "I'll bet you could pick things up with those," I said.  "Yeah," she said.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Hot oral session with a cute guy... The fun is, like most oral sex, pretty much one way. As much as I enjoy giving hummers, I'm not going to get off just like that.  Halfway through, it becomes obvious that he has no plans to reciprocate, but I decided to suck it up and deal (please excuse the pun). *shrug* Bj's are fun, even if I don't get my cookie.  So I throated him until my jaw got tired, meanwhile, he hadn't touched me except to try to push my head back down when I came up for air.  The final straw was when he wouldn't release until he made me "beg" for it across my face. He started moaning, "Tell me you want my cum. Do you want my cum?"   I said, "No, thanks anyway", got dressed and left.  The look on his face was priceless.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm on vacation with my family in a large American city about 10 years ago.  This trip ended up being one of the first times I realized how screwed up this country could be.  The leg of the trip I remember the best was walking through what could only be described as a ghetto.  Having never been in the city (save for the cheery parts of San Francisco, which don't quite count), this came as somewhat of a shock.  Rusty fire escapes on the sides of dingy, disheveled buildings, broken windows, peeling paint, trash, an odor that could only be described as funky, dented dumpsters, the whole nine yards.  We turned the corner and went into the building enclosing the Liberty Bell.  If the area surrounding one of the nation's prime symbols is as bad as this, what does it say about the way things are run?  
  I was on my way to class and I saw a guy riding a bike with crutches in one hand.  Mystified as to how he could ride a bike and require said crutches, I glanced at his feet.  Or rather, foot.  The other one was missing.  
   I was on a flight once, to where I forget. We were flying around an edge of a fantastic thunderstorm. I sat next to a rather large woman, who seemed rather frightened and nervous. I decided to be congenial for once and tried my hand at friendliness. "Are you ok?" I asked. "The storm is making me nervous, all that lightning and all. I'm glad we're flying above it." she said as she kept glancing out the window. I replied, "Oh, well, only 10% lightning actually strikes the ground. It mostly goes sideways or upwards." Perhaps this wasn't the appropriate response.  
  In my younger and more vulnerable years, I used to pick my nose while playing video games.  I didn't have the time or the sense to wipe my boogers onto a kleenex, so I wiped them onto my own specified spot on the carpet, right next to the TV.  My dog was positively in love with the spot, and I could never convince him to stop eating the blasted things.  My mom always asked me why the dog was so interested in that spot.    I was always too ashamed to tell her.  
  i had this roomate in college who was a real bitch and a half.  i couldn't even get away from her, because we had a studio apartment.  so no privacy there. one day, when she was gone at class, i had sex with my boyfriend on her bed.  i made him come on her pillow.  i wonder if she ever noticed the stiff spot?  
  Dangeroo -- The Origin:  On their way home from the zoo, Daddy asks his son what his favourite animal was.  Son: "The Dangeroos"  Dad: "Oh, the kangeroos? Yeah they're great."  Son: "No, the Dangeroos"  Dad: "'Dangeroos' ... 'dangeroos' -- their aren't any dangeroos, lad."  Son: "YES THERE ARE! THEY WERE MY FAVOURITE!"  Dad gets sufficently annoyed that he turns the car around.  Back in the zoo, son leads dad straight to the lion cage.  Dad: "These are lions, son"  Son: "NO THEY'RE NOT! SEE THE SIGN! It says 'Caution: These animals are D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S"  
  Late one night, staggering down Rose St. in Edinburgh (one of the most famous pub crawl streets in the world), we hear sounds of a party drifting down.  Dave: "Let's crash it." Neil: "Let's crash it." Me: "Let's crash it."  We find our way up to the door with music behind it.  Neil and Dave get uncharacteristically shy. Full of Dutch courage, I glance at the names on the door and thump. Blond guy answers.  Me: "Hi pal - is Mike home?"  Blond Guy: "Na - he'll be back in a  while. Come awa' in and have a wee bevy!"  Me: "If that's aright wi' you?"  Blond Guy: "As long as you're sure ye know Mike?"  Me: "Oh, aye, known him fer years..."  We have a grand time for an hour or so, but we start to monopolise the girls and the record player. Then we take a banjo down off the wall to use as a bongo drum...  Blond Guy: "Hey, enough o' that already -- I'm Mike. Who the fuck are you idiots?"  
  My boyfriend told me the other night that he ate his boogers until he was about 20.  He is almost 25.  I still have trouble kissing him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My pseudo gothic coworker accuses me of complaining that I can't get any pussy. I had a correction for him. It's not that I can't get it, that's easy, it's just that I can't get what I want. In a small town it's hard to hide from the wrong people, especialy if you wake up next to them. Every month my standards drop a noch.  Help, save me from the substandard quality.  
  I was home alone and getting the jitters from sitting in one place for too long. I was just about to get up and leave when somewhere i heard this voice say that i should just take the rest of this sheet of acid instead. Thats the last time I take any advice from my cat.  
    Dubya's Sure Touch In Foreign Diplomacy 05/26/02   In Berlin, Mr. Bush ... was asked by a snippy local peacenik reporter to "try to explain to the German people what your goals are when it comes to Iraq." The president huffed: "He's a dictator who gassed his own people."  It had to be the most powerful statement in postwar Germany, but the president seemed oblivious to its power. He had used the line before, but never in a country that had actually had a dictator who gassed his own people.  Maureen Dowd, NY Times.  
  I tell them I don't believe.  Why do they all think that they are the ones that can convince me?  Why is it their duty to convert me?  Why can't they just leave me and my beliefs alone?  I am not asking for their help or their beliefs.  I do not challenge their beliefs.  I do not try to recruit them to my side.  They give me pamphlets and tell me how to save my soul.  I don't think that it is in danger.  If their god makes them so damn happy why do they spend all of their time trying to make me so miserable?  And why does my brother think it's funny to give me WWJD bumper stickers and "As seen on TV" Christian rock cd's for my birthday?        
  My 4 year-old is almost as shy as a hooker.  One of our lowbrow secrets is that we love to go bowling together.  Recently, I came back from the rest room, and he had managed to crash a birthday party.  He was sitting there laughing with the other kids, eating cake, drinking Hawaiian Punch and wearing a paper hat.   All in an elapsed time of about two minutes.  I've always wondered what sort of losers throw birthday parties in a bowling alley, so I went to thank them for their kindness (and sneer to myself a little).  The mother looked rather familiar, but it was only when we were leaving that I realised she was the seriously-brilliant neurologist who is currently treating me.  
  My football team has a pasta party on the nights before game day.  On one particular night we went to a restaurant called "The Loft".  Some guys were messing around and they bought a bunch of condoms in the bathroom.  Than as an even bigger joke they put an italian sausage inside of the condom.  But than, players starting piling cash on the table.  Our starting QB took the sausage-condom and proceeded to put it in his mouth.  It slipped out of his hand and he deep throated it, almost swallowing it.  I can't decide if the lowbrow part of this moment is that he almost swallowed or a sausage in a condom, or the fact that he did it for 9 dollars...  
  I had a friend, J.  J (female) became pregnant, and though she did not want the child, her (Catholic) boyfriend did not want her to have an abortion, and so she did not.  But then I heard that she had a miscarriage, which was kind of good news, you know?  'Cause then she wouldn't have this kid that she didn't want.  Even thought it was also terrible.  Later, I was at a party, with a bunch of people I only barely knew, on my third or fourth beer.  They brought up another friend of theirs, who was in much the same boat as J - pregnant, didn't want the kid, didn't want to have an abortion.  In all innocence, I said "Maybe she'll miscarry".  It took a good 10 seconds of shocked silence for me to think back on what I'd said...  
  My parrents, hippies. Me, dead center gen X. Common ground is art, music, philosophy, weed and LSD. My father stoped smoking well over a decade ago. Me on the other hand still has a decade to go. When he came to visit me one summer I rolled a phat cronich blunt that sent him spinning into the backyard of my house as vomit left his mouth. We then had some of the best father and son bonding ever. To bad I can't get that fucked up from grass anymore.  
  she was 16; she calls to tell me the guy she lost her virginity to is engaged.  i was 19; i laugh like hell that her first lay's bout to tie the knot.  i think how traumatic that must be.  then it hit me, my first lay had already been married for about a year at the time of the aforementioned phone call.  i stopped laughing; it wasn't really that traumatic.  more like pathetic.  
     The guy who refused to pay child support had 6 or 7 brand-new refrigerators on his front lawn.  "I just love refrigerators." he said with a smile.   
  Be highly suspicious of your own memories. They become warm and fuzzy, both around the edge and through and through. Their mutations seriously alter one's perception of history and reality.  EXAMPLE:  Memory: I went canoeing in the northern Canadaian wilderness. It was amazing. Beautiful skies, lakes, and rivers! Shooting rapids, fishing for walleye, smoking and sipping whisky by the campfire, good honest work with good solid friends.   Sounds romantic, huh!  Reality:  Having completed only a quarter-mile of a one-mile long portage, I am standing up to my knees in mud with a fucking 90lb unwieldy canoe on my head, stinky with sweat,  there are greenhead flies in my ears, blackflies biting my arms and legs, and dozens of stripey i-don't-know-what-the-fucking-kind-of-tiger-like mosquitoes in my eyes and up my nose and I can't do a fucking thing about it other than make snorting snorting noises becuase of this boat on my head.   Sounds romantic, huh?   
  once, a few of us were sitting around eating at the little cafe on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building. and we start talking about how soft leather made out of babies would be. baby leather sofas would be all the rage.  then we started talking about baby leather farms. big, dark, indoor pools of lotion full of babies getting all softened up. we started talking about how we'd figure how old we can let a baby get (for the square inches) without letting it get tough. then, this girl in the cafe came out and sat with us, she asked why we were laughing. my friends all shut up. so i told her. the whole story. she walked off without saying anything. and then one of my friends told me she just had a miscarriage.  baby leather though! imagine the possibilities!  
  So there I was at work, and it was time for a porno break. I popped in a disk of choice pictures, highlighted the files, and then right-clicked to select "Open". Alas, the computer chose that moment to do something with the hard drive at that moment. The interruption froze the mouse for a second, and caused me to click on "Print" instead. You know, Windows doesn't even stop to ask what printer...it just starts the job.  I tore out of my office, down the hall to the printer, and skulked around until all twenty filthy pictures printed, and I could drop them in the shredder.  Fuck Windows and fuck Bill Gates.  
  In the restroom at a club, Unknown guy walks up to me claps me on the back "lotta chicks here tonight huh?"  So here it is, never touch a stranger when he is "at bat" in front of the urinal.  -at the sink?-sure...  while drying your hand -yes, alright... anywhere in the "on deck" area, yeah, well - okay, if you must..."at bat", no.  There is no touching "at bat".    That is just wrong, okay? Questions?       
  Why does dog food taste like lamb and rice?  Who ever heard of a dog jumping up on the kitchen table and eating all of the rice?  Or running out into a field and jumping a lamb?  For that matter, why does all cat food taste like chicken or liver?  I've never heard a cat that killed something and ate only the liver.  And most chickens I've seen are actually really fucking mean.  Most cats I've seen would get their asses kicked by a chicken. Cat food should should taste like birds and mice.  And dog food should taste like cats.  
  Everyone else was getting drunk, but I was happy with my pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Worked at a Denny's as a third shift busboy/dishwasher when I was eighteen.  If you get enough employees together, you can really get rid of a manager you hate by: 1. letting the cook that trains SWAT teams in his spare time take a 50lb box of bacon home on the back of his motorcycle 2. shove 5lb bricks of cheese down the disposal in the dishroom 3. have the craziest cook challenge the assistant manager to a fight at the beginning of first shift--everyone watched the mgr go straight to his office and lock himslef in for safety. 4. Let the mean cook Talitha hock a big one on the head waitresses Dennyburger. Laugh with restrained glee as she eats it, and thanks the cook by asking her for anohter one.  Nothing like working at Denny's-a geek hillbilly no-class soap opera for sure.  Corporate closed that restaurant (in 1982) on Princeton Pike in Cincinnati 6 weeks after I quit. Out of six managers and assistant managers we had during the 4 MONTHS I worked there, only two knew what they were doing and had the people skills to run at successful restaurant. They both found jobs elsewhere with the competitors quickly, and we weren't even trying to get them fired.  
  I've jerked off watching Star Trek... that's all you really need to know.   You don't get much lower than that.    - wet_boy@frumple.net   Me and the old lady usually fuck while Star Treks on.  "Boldly fuck what no man has screwed before"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember when I was young, we didn't have none of this fancy-schmancy  electronic  lowbrow.com shit. We still had one of those old, broken down, mechanical lowbrow.coms down in the garage... It smelled kinda like cat piss.  
  i was in love with someone else.    "what's your game?" i asked him.  he mumbled, "well, i like you, the conversations we have.." [and here i interrupt to point out that we had fucked more times than we had engaged in conversation] "...but you know, i've been seeing someone on and off for a year, i'm ten years older than you..." he tried hard to come up with a good third reason.  "do you think," i asked, "that if you weren't good in bed you'd be here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I went with my girlfriend to see a friend of ours band play once.   They put on a great show and there were a lot of people there.   Next to the bar a staircase -- dark and blocked off with a line of barstools -- led up to a balcony area.   "No Addmitance".   I grabbed my girlfriend's hand and, crouching like burglars in some 1940's era cartoon, we stole our way up the stairs.  Below, the band thumped and the crowd pulsated.   Above, we made ravenous, drunken love on an old pool table that had been stored up there among broken neons, old stools, and a wealth of other dusty remnants of the club's past.  Six months later I came home early from work and found her fucking this guy named Tom in our bed.   
  After the first American Pie movie, band dorks were out in force with the "one time at band camp..." quote.  It died out quickly because they all realized that they were making fun of themselves.  But the rest of the world still loves to make fun of them.  Almost everyone not involved in music in grade school will quote that phrase and think they are the wittiest shits in the world.  It quickly loses its novelty.  But then again, maybe I am prejudiced.  I was a band dork of the supreme variety.  Enough that I majored in Music Education and I teach high school band currently.  So I am a professional band dork.  25 yr old loser, band dork, no girlfriend, but have about 6-8 fourteen to eighteen year old girls with a crush on me.  Sometimes I wish it was band camp.  At least then I might get laid.  
  i shit everyday, regularly, and with control. i atribute this to a daily regimen. every morning, before getting out of bed, i squeeze my anus 50 times in rapid succession. since a few weeks into this practice, i have not had diharreah once, and shit maybe 3-5 times a day- always in firm, controlled, clean, portions. i am sure many of the people who post on here could benefit from such a practice, but it would be to the detriment of the readers if everyone did.  
  I enrolled in Intro to Algebra my first semester at college.  My friend and I walked into class, sat down, and the class started.  "Adding and subtracting fractions is complicated," was uttered by our teacher.  I looked at my friend, she looked at me.  I thank God every day for community colleges with transfer credits to major universities.    
  my RA just walked by my room on his way to do laundry. out of nowhere he stops, picks his asshole, then casually sniffs his fingers, adjusts his glasses and resumes walking to the laundry room  
  The wildest fucking party I've ever been to:  Several fistfights.  A few shots fired up in the air for phone.  A 6 and 1/2 foot drunk motherfucker picked up his 5 foot wife, cleared a table of empties with her ass, then threw her in a trash can.  It was at the Fraternal Order of Police.  Truth.  
  i wanted to find out if the Oediupus complex was true.   Worst sex ever.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't kiss that one he say's pointing to the raver running across the grass.  She had her hand firmly closing against her mouth and her cheecks were tought with vomit. Later she's sucking on my ear and I forget.  
  they just had this big sewage accident in new jersey and they were going on and on about it on the news--about the environmental impact and about the stench. all i could think to myself was that the headlines should have read: "Town in New Jersey Smells Slightly Worse Than Rest"  
  I just hired this 40-something woman at the place I work, which consists of mostly employees from ages 16 to 21 (Needless to say, she was pretty much overqualified for the job).   We were talking about meaningless stuff when some older guy and two really slutty looking girls walk in the store. Trying to be funny, I said "Here comes the Ho Train!"  She looked at me and said, "Those are my daughters!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         People are inherently stupid.  I was working for a bus company the summer after my senior year in HS. A woman called asking which time she should take a bus to the airport. I asked her if the flight was international or domestic. She asked me what domestic was. So I said it meant within the US. She replied:  "Oh yes, it's international. I'm going to Washington DC."  She couldn't understand why I couldn't stop laughing.  
  Some woman was trying to push her cart around something in Wal-Mart today.  I asked her if she need help and then proceeded to move the obstruction out of her way.  Instead of just thanking me and continuing on her way she asked me how old I was. "19" "Let me give you a piece of advice." She then proceeded to try and tell me something in completely unintelligible speech while drifting off to sleep.  I think the story involved her being assualted when she was about my age and having it mess up her arm pretty badly.  She also told me she had lupus which was why she kept falling asleep while talking to me. I have never felt so depressed for another human being in my entire life. I also think I'm never going to Wal-Mart again, a lesson I should have learned by now.  
  My favorite ex-boyfriend used to joke that even if he wanted to cheat on me, he couldn't, because I insisted on having sex at least twice a day. It's actually a great way to keep a guy in check. If he's gotta give it to me twice a day, he doesn't have anything left for the whores that flirt with him all day long. Made me crazy when he moved to another city though, because then, he went from two or three times a day to a few times a month when I could fly up for a visit. Maybe that's why it didn't work out.   - thecutenerdgirl@hotmail.com   Do I have to put in an application for this sort of girl?  
  me (explaining to my parents why my grades are so high): i guess i'm just being challenged now or something...  me (on the real reason my grades are so high): its too cold here to do anything besides have sex or study...and you can only have sex like 3 times a day before you start getting sore.     its true.   
  Exiting the movie theater in the mall, my 4 friends and myself decide to stop for a cigarette, and we notice a candy apple red ford 250 sitting on the street with a gigantic tail fin.  A man ran out of the car into the restaurant, locking the car and sounding his alarm.  My friends and myself were pondering exactly who would steal such a car, which lead us to the same type of people who would spend roughly $2000 customizing his truck.  This was before the man ran back and turned on the car sounding his "cucaracha" car horn, and my knees buckled as I feel to the ground laughing.  
  Places I have urinated:  in a public fountain  the middle of the street   on the grass at an outdoor concert  on someone's foot  not bad for a girl, eh?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "...And I told that motherfucking bitch that I would take her outside and stomp her fucking slut ass on the curb in front of everyone at work and then piss on her" said to me a co-workers wife whom I had just met. What was even better was this was in front of her four young children.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i love this guy.  we lost our virginity to eachother, spent two wonderful years together (yes that is a short amount of time but not when you're 19) but we came to a mutual decision that we needed to start acting our age.   "taking a break" as we call it basically i get to talk to the guy i love whenever i want to, but i get to fuck the 22 yr old graduate student trying to re-live his beginingofcollege dreams.  at the same time, i go out to parties with said 22 yr old and as i'm hanging out with him i can go after any guy around me that shows interest because the guy and i are just fuck buddies yes, the 19 year old's slut phase, i'm having fun with it.  
  Why is it perfectly acceptable for a woman to own any manner of dildo or vibrator, but if a man owns some sort of mock female genitals with which he can get his sex on, he's a pervert?  God damned double standards.  
  I just started a medication for depression that caused my bladder to overact, meaning I pissed about 12 times more than a normal person would.  I also had an obsession with computer games, like the kind you play online that you can't pause and dying is final.  So, occassionally, when I was in the middle of a fight on the computer, I would stand up, watching the screen, and piss in an empty soda can.  Then, when a good moment arose, I would run up to the toilet and pour the piss into it. The problem came one day, when my parents and I were in the computer room.  I picked up what I thought was an empty can of pop.  "Oh, I have a full can," I said to myself.  Taking a drink, I realized it was pure, self-piss.  I spit it all over my dad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "What would you do if the bombs fell tonight, and the morning sun found you in a post-apocalyptic world of radiation and barbarism?"  I have to admit, it was the oddest question a stranger had ever asked me outside the doctor's office.  I thought for a moment, swishing my amaretto sour around my back teeth.   "I'd salvage a weapon, some food, and a good tough car.  Then I'd gather other survivors around me and start a crusade to preserve kindness and humanity in the face of nuclear winter."  I nodded, satisfied with my answer.  She reached over the bar and snatched two olives from the cup there.  She smiled, just a little, as she dropped them dramatically into my mostly empty drink.  "The bombs have fallen.  What are you waiting for?"    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I'll be watching you...  Hello!!! Can you say, "Restraining Order!"        
  Everytime my dog gets really excited he starts to pee. He jumped on my bed after I'd gotten home from a trip. I started talking sweet to him then he got down. I had a mountain dew later, I noticed a wet yellow spot on my bed figuring it was mountain dew I stuck my finger on it and then licked my finger. It wasn't mountain dew. Now after so much deliberation I know what dog pee tastes like. Somethings never cease to amaze me.  
  Waking up with clouds in my head, I heard my wife in the kitchen.  She shouted something at me down the hall as I headed into the shower.  I was trying to recollect why I felt so horribly, when she came into the bathroom.  "The kitchen sink is leaking," she said.  Great.  Just what I need.  I turn off the shower, before I've gotten wet and I work my way down the hallway, still trying to figure out why I feel so burned out.  I find the cupboard underneath the kitchen sink opened, and the trash bin (which resides under the left-hand-side) pulled out.  The trash liner is filled with about 2 or 3 gallons of water, so I begin to look at the trap for the sink, as I remember all the vodka I'd drank the night before.  As I'm running my hand around the sink trap, I have this really strange feeling - akin to deja vu.  I remember dreaming that I was running around the kitchen.  I slowly figure out that my drunken stupor, combined with sleep, aided in my drunken ass getting up from bed and pissing in the garbage can, which is two feet from the bathroom door.  To this day I still remember it only as a dream, and I can't recall why the garbage can became the place to relieve myself.  
  The funny part was, while he had to be aware of the fact he looked and smelled like a refugee from an overflowing septic tank, he was still loudly insulted when I changed seats on the bus.  The funnier part was when I loudly defended my action in pig latin and got a round of applause from the other passengers.  
  I realized quickly, we were horribly outnumbered.  John and myself.  Her husband and several of his friends.   I had been stting there playing her husbands PS2 while John was banging this guys wife. Husband comes home, asks who I am. I say:  "The driver."  "who's driver?"  from bedroom (her): "FUCK ME! FUCK ME! GOD YES!!!!"  from bedroom (John): "Ya like that Bitch? I know ya do!!"  Husband bolts in the bedroom, as I head for the door, only to be stopped by several large biker types.  John is carried outside naked by Husband.  Husband declares that we are "Two VERY dead motherfuckers" We are surrounded by the group, and I am waiting for someone to just go ahead and hit me, hoping it will end quickly.  Wife comes to the doorstep, discharging the shotgun into the crowd.  I, the lucky one, catch only 6 pellets. John, the unlucky one, catches several more, while the Husband, the VERY unlucky one, catches the remainders.  Biker types disappear.  I hobble to the truck, helping John. John is laughing hysterically about how crazy this whole thing is as I pick the pellets out from my arm.  As we speed off, we catch up to the bikers, who are on foot, running as quickly as they can.  I tap 3 of them with the front fender and drive off.  John gets me in alot of trouble, but damnit, it really is worth it.      
  Things that have been stuck in my ass over the course of my life: Thermometer Finger Pen Screwdriver Chap-stick Surgical Tubing Mini-Maglite   
   The Hairspray Bug  Way,  way  back, in the 1960's, when beehive hairdos were all the rage (think early Supremes videos),there was a folk rumour went around about the "Hairspray Bug." The story went that some normal bug (headlice, whatever -- the British didn't use showers back then, and took a bath once a week, whether they needed it or not), would thrive on the incessant hairspray, mutate, become enormous, and burrow into the brain, causing death. Scared my big sister enough that she changed her hairdo...  
  (Memo To Brain: You need to recover control over mouth, preferably soon.)  As is my wont, I walk into the brewpub and flirt with my favourite barmaid, Janine, who is wearing multiple strings of Mardi Gras beads.  Mouth: "Where'd you get those?" Janine: "This guy"   She points to my left. Guy I'd been chatting friendly with says: "Ah, but I still have  one  string left!"  Mouth: "And where are those?"  He pulls a string of tiny beads out from under his jacket.  Mouth: "Oh, I figured you kept the largest string to use as anal beads."  He: "Ewwwwww..!"  He picks up his beer and moves away from me.  (Preferably  soon , brain...)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What is it about Huey Lewis and the News that is so seductive? I can't understand it. I just recently got some of the News. And I can't stop listening to it. Is it the upbeat rythms? Or the happy, nonsensical lyrics? Or is it Back to the Future? I can't understand it.  All I know is that I can't get enough. Kenny Loggins is the same way.  Any ideas?   
  Vegas can push you to your limits and make you question your life's path:   My buddy to the group as we sat drinking at the Ceaser's Casino at 5:45am: "You know, I'd probably really enjoy Vegas if I wasn't such a raging Alcoholic."    
  Boys, when an ex-girlfriend calls your cell phone and your current girlfriend happens to be there, don't use your Secretive Voice when telling them you'll talk to them later. And don't ever, ever forget to say you're busy cos you're with your new girl. Believe me, it's a Deadly Mistake.        
  So I'm looking for a hot new hippity hoppity cd to download off that there internet...  I ended up getting horse porn.  
  I am a 41 year old African-Amerindian male who is reasonably well-endowed (8 1/2" x 5" around, Rose, Rob says hi), and is dedicated to performance of cunniligus. Because, I don't believe in lying to women, and I really like sex-play, I tend to engage in very open, honest relationships... well, recently I met a 50 year old German-Irish woman while dancing, and decide to take her home and give her a thrill !!! Boy, did she love the tongue tornado !!! Well, after two months of dating her, I decided I needed a little break, (read variety), and hooked up with 2 17 year old girls, and a guy to party till the break of dawn, well, my 50 y.o. honey came in with the atitude of the new millinium, and told me she would be leaving me for good... being a HUGE Star Trek fan all I could say was "Live long and Prosper"  
  When I was fifteen, my buddy and I (Hi, Norrie!) got so frustrated that we started experimenting with each other.  Weeks went by, with us inching closer and closer to ... who knows?  I could have ended up thinking I was gay for years, if it wasn't for his  gorgeous  seventeen year-old Marianne Faithfull lookalike sister who wrestled and rubbed herself against me every chance she got.  Thanks, Norrie's big sis, for setting me straight.  
  i own an orange cannon. for those that dont know its a home made pipe cannon which fires things like oranges. and you fuel it with deodorant. They are fucking cool. one night i find myself going to an all night supermarket its 1:55am. i see the cheapest crapiest imported from pakistan deodorant on sale. its the brand i use to fuel my cannon so whilst i have some money and its on special i buy a whole crate of it 12 cans. The check out chick gave me the weirdest look. and then lent towords me to see if i realy smelt that bad.   
  3/4/03  AND while we're on the subject of molotov cocktails...  I made one once when I was 12, but we didn't have a big enough paved area for me to toss it.  No sidewalk, no parking lot, no nothing (we lived in the swamps, after all).  And I was too afraid to throw it on the road lest a cop see me.  So I went into the back yard, lit it, and threw it at a cinder block.  It didn't break.  Instead, the rag flew out and landed a few feet away.  The bottle bounced off the brick and rolled into the grass, spilling burning gasoline all over.   I wish I could say something cool happened, but no.  The gasloline just slowly went out, and with it my dreams of being an anarchist.    I wouldn't have a really good story about fire to tell until 2001, when my dad set both our and our neighbor's back yards ablaze when he tried to burn a pile of plastic 55 gallon drums.  
  At a cultural group encounter seminar, the instructor had the group all join hands and meditate upon the "great and kind Native American spirit guides who were surrounding, protecting and enlightening us." She then invited everyone to chant, hum, and join the "vibrational" dynamic of the moment. I began reciting, lowly, a list of my favorite John Wayne movies, becoming eventually loud enough for everyone to hear me. That night I got an email from the instructor to "find an outlet elsewhere for my negative energy--and refrain from attending any more of her classes." I had to smile.  
  eat mushrooms, but don't buy the cheap kind at the store.  buy the good ones at your hippy neighbor's house and make a really really really good meal.  You'll never forget a meal like that.  It's not the experience you'll want to remember, but for once you can actually remember how good that meal tasted and it will never be lost.  Memory can be bought....$40 an 8th.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i really,Really like McShakes.   flavor is irrelivant, its all about texture.  i suck in a mouthful and then i crunch the tiny,little ice crystals in my teeth.  what?        
  The man leaned on the bar, one leg crossed over the other in a mock casualstance.  His pants were tight.  He stared at the bartenders breasts."Yeah, and could I have a vodka-cranberry?  The house brand, please...."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  when i was about 7, my neighbor called me over to her front yard. 'check this out!!  this mud is so soft!' i sniff the air suspiciously and look at the other neighbors' dog as she rubs the 'soft mud' on her cheek. 'lindsay?  i think your soft mud is poop.'  
  I was helping a friend make salad one night, and he began to come on to me, something that didn't interest me at all. He was very persistant, he kept going on about commitment and marriage and long-term passion, all the buzzwords he thought might get him laid. I began to peel a cucumber with one of those peeler things and as he talked on and on, I whittled that entire cumcumber down to the size of a pointy gherkin. I held it up to him and said "This was your dick. Now this is your dick on marriage. Any questions?" He was lucky I stopped the lesson via metaphor before we got to the bleu cheese dressing.  
   One day I was walking through the Gap for kids, and I wondered to myself: "self, why must mere children submit themselves to the tyranny of Gapasaurus", and then I realized...the "Gap" refers to the "social gap between rich and poor" and I reveled in my status as an affluent e-male.  Kudos,   Hans Castorp  
  One of my neighbours is named Himito.  The suffix "ito" in Spanish means little and I was around 12.  I called the kid "little hymen" for a good year before his older brother told me what, exactly, a hymen is.  
  When I was about nine years old, I set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn't sell many glasses, and after an hour or so, I took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the key to success is to never try.  Most important lesson I ever learned.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife and I recently bought a house with a hot tub.  So of course, we have to "christen" it - on the coldest, rainiest night of the year.  We had to stay low, under the water level for maximum warmth.  But dammit, I couldn't finish.  Partly because the sensation of the water swirling around us drowned out the feeling of the sex.  And partly because water is not a lubricant.  
  I went to an all-boys high school.  A bunch of horny, lonely straight guys with no outlet for our frustrations.  We took a ski trip one weekend up north.  The guys had rented an all-anal porno.  After a full day of skiing, the beer and the video came out. We sat around and cheered.  A couple of girls we marginally knew dropped in and left very quickly.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walked into Macdonalds the other day and ordered some fries. Girl behind the counter doesnt even look up and asks :"Would you like fries with that?"  it was a bad week from that point on...  
  when i got to work in the morning, i had to excuse myself to the bathroom because my face smelled like last night's dick  
  Bought a pair of shoes I really couldn't afford.  Realized I needed the money, so two days later purposely broke the strap and returned them for being "defective."  
  21st century digital boy. over one half of all clocks i come in contact with on a daily basis reset themselves for daylight saving's time... cell phone, computers, gps, my fancy atomic alarm clock... i feel like such a chump.  
   sometimes, after loading the groceries into my car, I put the shopping cart on the crosshairs defining four parking spots.   As the cart balances there, I hurry to leave before the cart come loose and rolls with ever increasing speed to its next destination.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  For the first few months I lived in Austin, Texas, I felt like I was in somebody else's independent film.  The feeling never left -- so I did.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  The moon lit parking lot was quiet except for the sound of silence being ripped from the air by car alarms. He gazed longingly at her heaving bosom and regretted buying her that last jello shot.  She stared at the pool of hurl juice reflecting her bloodshot eyes.  He said "You want a mint?"  She said "Buhlurhguuhhhh!" He wondered if she was sincere.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Grocery Clerk Entry #16: A customer told me that one of our desserts is 'orgasmic' so I bought it for my Mom.  
  He walked me home from work... after I said "No, no, no" but really thinking "yes, yes, YES"!  If there is a god, he had designed this beautiful 20 year old boy for me. He kissed me in the A/C room then picked me up and carried me to the bed.  "I'm not like other guys" he said, and proceeded to prove himself right.  I broke up with my (much older) sex friend after that. He asked "why" then told me he was falling in love with me. I couldn't tell him...  The boy from work asked me for a date.  I said "Yes" and was excited in spite of myself.  Now it's Saturday at 6:30pm and he's just left a message saying he can't make it.  Uh-huh... bad karma... I should know better...  
  If you drop a piece of buttered toast, it always lands butter-side down.  This morning I buttered the crust.  I'm such a smart ass.  
    this black guy i slept with a few months back was hung like a fuckin titmouse.    my now boyfriend is vietnamese and is hung like a horse.     my world as i know it is shattered.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've been playing with a staple in my mouth, and now my mouth is stuck shut.  Figure it out for yourself.  Well, nevermind, my jaws are stronger than a staple.  Whew, that's a relief!  
  the bumper sticker: in case of rapture, i'm stealing your car.  take that, you damn christians.  
  An extremely hot girl at burger king taking my order.   "Hold on a sec" I say  Head to the bathroom and jerk it to the image of her in my head.  "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." A deep voice echos off the tile walls.   It was the manager.    The manager was her dad.  
  *************************************** How some come couples wear the same kind of clothes and often will share the same interests in black leather, body piercing, shaved heads, florescent hair die and tattoos?   Do they find each other because they are alike or do they mimic each other after they get together and buy matching Grateful Dead T-Shirts? Enquiring minds want to know.    - sulligo@yahoo.com  *************************************** I am 19 years old. I have a blue mohawk, my septum and tongue pierced, and a tattoo on my back.  My girlfriend has long purple hair, her tongue and lip peirced, and a variety of interesting tattoos.  As such I guess we fit into your narrow-minded hick mindset and I can answer your question of how we meet each other rather easily...  Remember all the cool kids that didn't talk to you- we talked to each other instead.  
  As my old pappy used to say:  "It takes a *SPECIAL* kind o' stupid to run out of gas."  
  So I told myself that the next time I was a bit lit I would write about the time that our friend had two consecutive parties.  He wasn't really a friend though, we hated him.  I'll go point form on this one.  Before I get into any of this remember that the house owner was totally drunk.  - My one friend finding the house owner's dad's motorcycle gear and dressing up in it while subsequently trying to get the house owner's dad to give up the location of the motorcycle keys.  Hey Mike, it's me, your dad!  Tell me where the motorcycle keys are or I'll put you back in your mother's womb!"  - Ordering 300 dollars worth of alcohol to his house.  That was sweet.  - A few of my friends wanted to see what a fire extinguisher was like, so they shot it off outside.  Then they shot it off inside, pissing me off immensely as I was trying to make a Pizza Pocket.  - Me walking around in flippers for at least an hour.  Going up stairs was the hardest part.  - We apparently put a scratch on the car somehow/way.  - I woke up with my arm around my current girlfriend (but this was many months before we started dating) and Spiderman on the TV.  I got up and left.  - Sweet and sour sauce thrown across his garage.  - Big bucket of vaseline found in the house owner's parents room.  I think there were more but I was drunk then and I'm drunk now so you can go straight to hell if I forgot them.  On the Sunday night of that weekend his parents showed up at our houses and told our parents what bad kids we are.  We denied everything and our parents think Mike is an idiot.  High school is pretty sweet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work at a jack shack.  Men pay me to strip while they masturbate.  My friends think i'm working on a PHd in Anthropology.  
  If you're at some kind of "interactive theater" thing, and it's one of those more for grownups than kids, because occasionally bad words are used, and an actor asks you a question, I guarantee that, provided you get the tone of voice and facial expression right, the reply "Are you fucking kidding me?" will get a laugh out of everyone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ah, the post-coital lowbrow fix.  he at his computer and i at mine.  we have an understanding, it seems.  
  You may have read my post a while ago about a guy who I gave head to, but did not want to reciprocate.  I recently got an email, "...I would reciprocate...I love to eat pussy..."  Those of you who have been paying attention may know why this is so funny.  
  The test said pregnant...... TWICE.        
  When it came to road signs, I was a regular kleptomaniac.  Stop, Yield, I-80, I-680, Hwy12, I-5, streets galore, Flooded, 3-way (went above the bed), No Dumping (bathroom), Caution! Underground Gas Line, etc. etc.  The shining glory?  Neighborhood Watch, complete with post.  
  when you can sit down in a chair and smell the ball sweat stench through your pants and boxers, it's time to take a shower.  
  You know, I was at a little kid's birthday party.  Watching them swing the bat at a pinata with unrestrained glee ... and they say video games fuck up our youth.  Nothing says "hit things and you get candy" like a children's party.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ok - just read a moment about what had been in someones arse.  It was something along the lines of: finger, surgical tubing, screwdriver, thermometer, maglight.  Was rather amazed at the maglight, thinking 'why the hell would someone put a maglight in their arsehole?'  Didn't give the screwdriver a second thought.  Hmmm....  Maybe I'm worse than I thought.    
  if the whole fucking world lowered their brow a notch there would be fewer assholes and fewer murders ya dont need to be rude but for crissakes at least  at the very least be human        
  she dared me to whack it in the bathroom.  She said if I did it, she'd give me $5.  Was she retarded? Easiest Five bucks I've ever made.  
  I think I have permanent brain damage. It's to the point where I only speak in retard noises, cat noises, and non-sequiturs.   I just said, "My legs hurt and I wish they would stop."  "...And by that I mean, I wish I had a bottle of wine and someplace to dance around."  
  Owner of the brewpub gets back from a golf vacation, and is pleasantly bragging about how he shot six rounds in two days.  Me: "So what - I can shoot thirty rounds a second."  
  ring-ring-ring me- "Hi twinnie. How are you?" her- "I'm good. I wanted you tell... wait... hold on... are you listening?" me- "Yeah." her- "OK. (pause) Fhhrrrrrp." me- "Lee-eeah!"  My twin will never outgrow farting at me over the phone.  
  It would be OK, I think, to start speaking like an educated person, so lately I've repeatedly resolved to eliminate "sweet," "cool" and "awesome" from my vocabulary.  'Cept then when I like something, I don't know what to say.  
  I'm just trying to drink myself far enough into oblivion that I'm willing to pay for phone sex ...  More boxed wine! More boxed wine! More boxed ...   
  Father/Daughter moment:   when your Dad tells you to put a sweater on, you know he accidently checked you out.  
  I saw a car, that had a little home-made sign in the back window that read "Keep Distance". So of course I tailgated them. Its like when you're eating lunch with a friend and they say "I'm going to the bathroom, please don't eat my fries"  
  http://i-like-pie.com/  What a bitchen URL. I've gotta have it. I simply MUST!  
  quote i would fuck up twice if you gave me half a chance endquote        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were in NYC on vacation and had to piss really bad...too much wine and water and coffee with dinner.  We were right St. Patrick's Cathedral, so we determined that if they let us use their restroom that there was indeed a god and we would become devout worshippers.  Luckily, they wouldn't let us use the restroom, so we snuck in to the St. Regis Hotel and pissed in their restroom instead and left happy, empty bladdered pagans.  Nice place the St. Regis. Kickass restrooms...I recommend them. Do you know they charge $80 dollars for high tea there?! They're spending that money on really fine restrooms though.  
  Top Tip #1 - What NOT to do with a dead dog found by the roadside.  Come out of pub at closing time. Attempt to walk straight. Fail miserably. See dead dog. Pick up dead dog. Walk into still open (and rather full) kebab shop. Slam aforementioned dog ontop of the counter and say "That's the last one you're getting from us until we get paid...." Run very fast away from mad meat cleaver weilding turk, for a total distance of two miles....   I really miss being a student ..  
  This one time, our high school football star whipped it out in the middle of biology and slapped his fat, black cock down on a desk real satisfying like.  Two weeks later, he approached my mild mannered cousin in the hall. They'd never met before.   "Hey you," he said. "Yeah, I know you. I had a dream that I killed you."  You're never truly safe.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was drunk as hell, and trying to quit smoking.  I was on the nicotine gum at the time, and didn't spit it out before I got into bed.    I passed out and swallowed the gum in my sleep.  I came to about 1-2 hours later; my heart trying to pound its way out of my ribcage and the rest of me drenched in sweat.  My intestines were also doing strange gymnastics so I ran to the bathroom, and enjoyed about 4 hours straight of diarrhea and vomiting.  I found out that not only can you "dry vomit", if you insult your system enough you can "dry diarrhea" (think about it).    4 hours straight of the entirety of my autonomous nervous system seizuring uncontrolably.  I have never been so miserable or so tired, but at least I lived.  and I started smoking again the next day...  
  so two years ago me and my cousin were hanging out with this big dirty computer nerd boy.  we'd hang out in his bedroom and drink water and laugh and tease him.  well, one time my cousin knocked a tray of icecubes on his floor, rolling around collecting the multitudes of nasty boy residue. i don't think the carpet had ever been cleaned, ever!  my cuz put the ice in the water glass we'd been sharing that night and we left. well, after the trip to taco bell for pooparitos (bean burritos, he swore up and down they had poop in them, but he ate  them anyways) we returned to his putrescent bedroom.  Unthinkingly, i found myself thirsty and swallowed the horrible compound of melted ice and scabs and hair flea carcasses, dandruff skin flakes and a gruesome assortment of other things It was only moments before the three of us realized my mishap.  taunting and teasing the two of them chased me out of the bedroom down the hall and out the door where i fell into dry heaves for half the night.  well, my stomach goes queasy at the slightest things, and just a hint of grossness causes me to dry heave  example: my spouse farted before work this morning, smelt like something had crawled up his ass and DIED like a week ago.  Well first i stumbled over to the window, threw it open and dry heaved for five minutes.  feeling stable again, he said he was sorry just in time to see me rush to the bathroom to puke up a nice bowl of captain crunch bile  what a great way to start a day  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         this stunning woman of about 40 came into our store today.  i could not tear my eyes off her bountiful  tits, hard nipples jutting out.  she didnt seem to mind though, and gave me a wink as she walked out. her not-so-hot friend turned and smiled knowingly.  i will get many miles outta that woman as i stare at my ceiling...          
  In this history of LSD there was once this guy (forget his name) who had a huge amount of acid in liquid form and was mixing it into a jar of mayonnaise for some mind expanding sandwiches.  Halfway through the mixing procedure he forgot what he was doing and licked the spoon.  I don't think he ever recovered fully  
  before i returned to college after my spring break, my grandmother gives me 100 bucks...my first thoughts were "awesome, thats enough for an eighth of pot and a pretty good vibrator"   
  i got into my mail box this morning, and saw that i had a reply to my resume online!  i read the moment of the day first, of course.  
  I should have known better..   I spent the entire evening talking up this girl I met in a store. Even took her out to the local bar and put up  with country music to "work my magic".  As she's back in my car, her head laying on my chest, she tells me shes in love  with Bob, a shit-kicking mullet headed part-time-tow-truck-driving drunk that  she has no idea that I know. Yeah, I still took the oral sex, but I never  looked at her quite the same again.    
  Once, i decided to touch up the old red in the hair with some red kool aid.  Normally, this is a surprisingly clean process.  Kool aid stains your hair all right, and adding water to kool-aided hair after 24 hours shouldn't make the color bleed at all.  But being concerned about my hair's lifespan and stuff, i decided to mix some conditioner in with the kool aid.  Bad fuckin' idea.  Turns out, conditioner makes your hair much much less penetrable by dyes. Found this out the next day when after swimming at an acquaintance's house, i sat down in a WHITE fabric death chair.  Stood up fifteen minutes later and found that there was a distressing head shaped red stain spreading out over the back of the chair. But, eh, no one else was paying attention, so i just excused myself from the party very quickly and went home.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have to piss the piss of a man who has just drank 2 2 litres of Mt. Dew and not relieved himself since.  Which is strange, considering it was Dr. Pepper that I drank.  
  i called her at 3am when i didn't hear from her. "slipped my mind," she said.  i could hear her tv on in the background, the same channel as mine.  "where's your cigarettes?" i heard in the background.  funny how my tv didn't say that.       
  I'm sittin here wondering if my poetry is a valid form of expressing my innermost thoughts and emotions.  I'm also wishing I had some pizza, a cheesburger, and a tall glass of chocolate milk.  
  I have a beautiful friend who makes me wet every time I see him. I don t mean a little wet I mean heart pounding, nipples erect, totally soaked kind of wet. Whenever I get into a situation where I know I will be around him I throw an extra pair of panties in my purse to change into. I m always afraid I will end up sliding off my chair if I don t. I think it would be really hard to explain to my husband what the fuck I am doing on the floor.   
  Realizing that I read the obituaries every day now because so many people my age are dieing.  
  if i could draw, i'd do a cartoon.  i'd call it "my friend the chinese guy,"  and everyone would be real jealous.  
  Here I am, minding my own business as I wait in a checkout line at Bi-Lo. Casually, I turn to glance over the magazines...  God, kill me now.  No less than three hundreds pounds of heaving, redneck lard sporting a bleach blonde ringlet-curl mullet and a "make me purr" t-shirt.  She was buying beer, cheese, and tampax.  
  HERE'S ANOTHER ONE FOR THE "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU THIS AGAIN" LIST:  Grown men should not wear fannie-packs.    
        I keep a roll of paper towels by the toilet so I can dip a sheet in the bowl and wipe the crap off my anus hair that doesn't come off with dry toilet paper.  
  I've just spent three hours, clicking away at reload, hoping for this one particulary good one posted by limbo@IJustGotFired, so I can tell my brother about it.  I haven't seen it yet, but I've seen that one about Chris losing his Camaro more times than I can count. And I need to pee, and my beer is gone, and I missed the movie on TV I wanted to see, and now I realize I can't remember exactly which moment I was looking for but.... damn it, I KNOW it's the next one, I just know it.  
  I have read lots of philosphy in my days - from Aristotle, Descartes, Plato, Popper, Spinozza, Berlin, catholic theology, talmudic commentary,  eastern mysticism,  to islamic philosphy - you name it!   And,  I can save you all lots of time by distilling the secrets of what I have learned: IF YOU LOOK TOO HARD,  YOU WILL END UP LOOKING UP YOUR OWN ASSHOLE.      
  I have three roommates, one is a slob who is never sober, rarely bathes, and never goes to class.  The second is into drugs and sleeps all day as well.  The third is the quintisential redneck, but without the vices.  The third one got his girlfirend pregnant.    Guess which one got kicked out of school?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           You know that the world has really changed when your mom talks about oral sex and fisting.      
  When I was 4 or 5, my babysitter talked me into taking a piss on my brothers bed.  I stood on the foot of the bed and let loose, soaking the mattress.  When he saw his bed, he cried.  I blamed the cat.  It didn't hit me at the time, but in hindsight, what the fuck kind of sick bastard encourages a 4 year old to piss all over his brothers mattress, then laughs his ass off?  
  Hamsters and other small rodents are not for sticking in your bum.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm actually considering taking my shirt off, writing the url for this site on my tits and taking a picture. then i would proceed to send it in and pray that it doesn't get deleted. all for free matches. hrmmmm...  
        Three young teens living in the moment. Hiking through heavy woods looking for adventure we came across a frozen stream. A cliff overlooked the stream and a strange ideal came into play. We shall jump from the cliff, busting the ice with our plummeting bodys. One....two...three we jolt to the edge of the cliff. At the last moment my friend stops leaving me to make a failed attempt at stopping. I slide down the cliff, my left leg barely breaking the ice on the edge of the stream. Pissed off I storm up the side feeling betrayed. Reaching the top my friend had only three words..I'll do it. I grasped his arm and we lept over the cliff crashing through the ice which I had taken as being 6 inches deep (turned out to be three feet). We flailed around until we got to the bank. The steam rolling off our body's in the frigid winter. We looked at each other without saying a word knew that we had to haul ass home or dye in minutes. I remeber sneaking into the house, quickly changing clothes and sipping on the best tasting tomato soup ever. Throughout the years I have debated wether this act was stupid or brave. I have come to realize that it was a forging of true friendship. The ultimate trust. Steve I miss you my friend. Rest in peace. I will see you on the flipside.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The horror of blimps  Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.  I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!  Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.  Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.  We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.  Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.  It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.  My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.  Let's face it, blimps are fun.  Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.  At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.  The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.  Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.  In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.  I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.  That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.  I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.  Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.  So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.  On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!  Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.  I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.  When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.  Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.  I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.  It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.  Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)  Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.  On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.  Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.  I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.   ***   At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.  The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.  This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.  I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.  Some blimps are better off dead.   
  He gazed spasmodically around the room before his eyes settled on a girl in particularly tight jeans and a sweater.    Then, interrupting the moment of fixed wonder, he said aloud:  "She needs to have sex with us.  Lots of hot sex.  Each one of us.  Taking turns. Multiple times."     We stared at him in horror. I shook my head, sorry that I'd brought him to the party.    Must he ALWAYS state the obvious?!  
  I need to find a girl with a shaved bush. I really, REALLY don't care for big, hairy bushes. They weird me out. I don't know why. It's probably something unhealthy or horrible from my childhood that I've blanked out somehow.   I suppose even a relatively tamed bush would be okay. Just no more of these monstrosities that threaten to break through their underwear and devour the crotch of their pants.    Topiary sculptures. Beards. Thickets. Brambles. Who needs it?    - john_clavis@yahoo.com             -----------------  Just an FYI...men, you need to trim too if you expect her to.  We hate eating pube spaghetti as much as you do.  
  Reason Number 365 Why I Miss Smith King: [driving down 95] "Hey, babe?" "Yeah, Smith?" "If Virginia is for lovers, do you think they'll care if we have sex in their rest stop bathroom?" ~puck~  
  I have not met a person in the last 4 years who could name a Misfits song title that was not covered by someone else.        
  A lot of my moments are acutally my friends moments.    I have a friend, who by some cruel stroke of fate (motorcycle accident) can't orgasm.  He can maintain an erection, but the spoo is a no-go.    Well, cut to a one-night stand. He's banging away, banging away, and banging away, because it's the first time after the accident and he doesn't know of his condition yet.  He's trying everything, oral, anal, and just pounding as hard as possible.    By this time the girl is pretty fed up, and probably sore.  She tells him to stop, rolls over, and goes to sleep.    But my friend, he's not done yet, so he sets his alarm clock five minutes ahead.  When it goes off, she wakes up and he starts again.    Gotta respect his tenacity.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was about 6 years old. It was Saturday afternoon.....aunts, uncles and cousins are all over our house.  We are in the basement, making "soup" out of Play-dough, and other various items. Thinking that it would be an appropriate addition to the soup recipe, I cut off 4 or 5 handfulls of hair and add them to the soup.  None of us thought anything of it. When I walked up into the living room where all the adults were, I was met by wide-eyed stares and silence.  You see, The next day was one of my older cousins weddings.  I  was the ring-boy. My mother smacked the shit out of me right there on the spot.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Jehovah's Witnesses are evil.  Whenever these guys showed up I used to have some fun but last week, I was visited by two women who would have been attractive if they lost the "freshly washed brain" glassy look of their eyes. And, even worse, they had that 7 years old girl with them, cute as a button in her blue dress.  I felt bad for a couple of hours after exposing myself to them.  Man, they sure know how to take the fun out of life...  
  I was working at a fast food restaurant. I don't to give the company a bad reputation so I won't name it. So, I'll just call this company, "MicDonells". Anyways, it was almost closing time and the main restaurant was closed but the drive thru was still open. So this guy drives up and orders some nuggets, we had 5 under the heat lamp but he ordered 6. My manager (the manager of the store) looks through the garbage in the back and finds an old nugget that was thrown out (it probably fell on the floor, thats why it was in the garbage).  He then puts the nugget in the fryer for 5 seconds to heat it up, and serves it to the customer.  I stared at him and he tells me "you didnt see that".   I would have black mailed that sorry bastard, but its not very polite to do that to your father.   
  I was at a wedding this last weekend. One of the two dueling clergy men gave a sermon of sorts where he mentioned the pope talking to an eight year old boy.  He mentioned this many times.  All jokes aside, shoulden't this fucker by a clue and maybe not talk about little boys so much.    He also lectured the bride and groom about how they should focus on their marriage and not on material things.  This coming from a guy that works for the richest religion on the planet.  I wanted to yell, "Hey dill-hole, what the Hell is that shit behind you made of, fake gold?"  Instead I fed gummi bears to my daughter to keep her quiet.  
  the other day my 3 year old daughter came running to me and said that our cat had gone to bathroom in her "playhouse"refrigerator. i went and looked, and placed neatly on the shelf was a cup of pee...hmmm        
   the fuck you dance  little circle with the c in it is an overt or covert act discussion commentary or orchestrated assault on any one or thing that prevents you from being yourself and i say  jig mutherfucker jig  hey tygr ol pal could you bold the fuck you dance part up there questionmark maybe the jigs too whaddya think        
  "Whaddya wanna do?" --"How about a Dirty Sanchez, followed by a Cleveland Steamer, and finish up with a Bismarck?" She didn't know what those were. If you do, than you are no better than me.  
  I was on my way to work, in the morning, all pissed because I don't like to wake up early, but I had to attend a meeting. So I am passing by some nice cafe, with a glass front, people behind are having breakfast or lunch or whatever and look very happy and relaxed, and I just hated them. Then I've noticed some drunk, hanging next to cafe, and I've said to myself "would it be wonderful if he just pulled out his schlong and pissed on that glass front". I kept walking but then - somehow - stopped, and looked back. Guess what. He was doing just that! Probably read my thoughts somehow. In any case, I kept walking but in *much* better mood.  Cheers.   
  There was a guy I knew that had very few skills. One of them wasn't something I would show off.  Either way,it's disgusting to walk in and see your (now ex) friend performing oral sex on himself.   On the bright side, maybe he has a future being a contortionist since he had such a little dick    
  That bastard beagle will NOT shut the hell up. I stuffed a package of that over the counter diet meds, with the ephidrine, into a half pound of ground beef. Rolled it up in balls and tossed it over the fence.  CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP... then blessed silence.  Until it kicked it and the furry menace started running in circles, howling like a werewolf, and then threw itself at the patio door until it broke.  The morons who own the dog come home to a speed-freak mutt, a shattered glass patio door, and no clue. The woman goes out back and hollers for her husband, and while he's dealing with the mess, she tries to calm the dog down. "Poor wittle Muffin, is yous all scared? Poor wittle baby! MOTHERFUCK!" Muffin took a chunk out of her hand, it took 17 stitches.  And I haven't heard a peep recently from poor wittle Muffin.   
  I must have been in tenth grade.  A friend and I were both in the same english class.  My friend (along with most guys) was infatuated with a cheerleader who was not in our class.  We will call her Veronica.  Anyway, it's always kind of noisy in the classroom right before the bell rings announcing the start of class.  As is typical, my friend is going on about his infatuation with Veronica.  He mutters the words "Veronica's breasts" right after the room goes dead silent.  A slight pause, followed by many puzzled looks, followed by uproarious laughter.  
  No, cheerleader...you got it all wrong.  We dislike SUV's and Starbuck's because they are anathema to lowbrow.  I mean lowbrow is anti-trend, except for anal penetration.  Starbuck's and SUV's are trend.  Like the pretentious assholes that drive them.  Fukking pegboys and action figures.   The other day I saw this huge pollution machine, SUV, with a bumper sticker that read:  "100% Smoke Free Austin"  I can't smoke my cigarettes in a resturaunt, but they can give me a healthy dose of Carbon Monoxide and Hydrocarbons.  I sez, Where's the logic in that?  
  events of the night  or  my summer vacation so far: 1.masturbate 2.flip between cops and american gladiators, while contemplating mastrubation and lowbrow 3.lowbrow ya know what I wish I had right now? some drugs. some drugs would really hit the spot. also, (and yes I'm sure someone has said this and this is such a played out thing to say but its my moment, dammit.)I think the catholic church is wrong. I think if there is really a god, then masturbation isnt something he doesnt want us to do. masturbation is a sweet sweet reward for those of us who can't get sex. and watch cops and american gladiators. and then post about it on lowbrow.  
  i just saw a moment about a guy who fed bacon to a pig. my north dakota born roomate saw it, and said: "oh, i had a friend who had a 350 lb pig that lived in his house... it ate pork all the time. fucker charged me one time when i was near it's food dish... ever been charged by a 350 lb pig? now that's full-bore, bitch... no pun intended." i wanna visit no-dak.  
  I have to really smack the shit out of the tapedeck in my car to stop it from hissing every 3 mins. The radio has been broken for a good 2 years.  Im not getting a new one until this one dies though.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What could I say? "Sure, I'm with the new word limit. There's nothing I enjoy more than gutting good writing."        
  The homeless guy nudging my shoulder tells me I'll get arrested for sleeping on the sidewalk.  Blurry-eyed I check my surroundings.  Parked cars and the library.  I'm downtown, vommit on my cheek and shoulder.  Rising to my feet I realize how drunk I am and remember leaving the bar, but nothing more.  I begin my journey home--going the wrong way.  When I get across the tracks and through the overpass, I'm heading toward a very tall transvestite.  I know I'm in for it.    Ring.    "Hello," she says groggy.  My girl's been asleep for hours.    "What time is it," I ask.    "3 O'clock."  I quickly let her go.  My walk continues through the bowels of the city.  Ghetto, ghetto everywhere.  Hookers, dealers, thieves and smokers.  I'm walking through neighborhoods where the element is on their porches, hangin' with the boys.  I'm approached.  A filthy, half-human opens his hand.  His yellow, calloused fingers camouflage the ten or more chunks of crack-cocaine in his open palm.    "What is that," I ask already knowing.    "It's crack," he easily replies.  "I don't want any.  I don't even have any money."  I explain.  Another approaches, handfulls of crack proudly displayed.  They both want to see my wallet.  "You're not going to rob me," I question as I pull my wallet out.  I open my wallet displaying only lint and some receipts.  However, he's not satisfied.  "I know you got some in your shoes."  "What?  You want me to take off my shoes?"  Off they come.  "See?"  I continue my stroll contemplating the impending bodily injury that will soon befall me.  I see a group of thug-types across the street to which I yell, "How do I get downtown?"  One replies, "Take your next left," and turns to another and suggests that I'm a police officer.  I feel a little more secure with that and move on.  I take a left and up rolls my saviour.  A very well versed cabby.  He tells me he'll give me a ride if I fill up his gas tank.    Home safe.  What a night.  
      When I was in first grade, one of the seating arrangements we had were little rows of three.  I was in the back, nearest to the big coat closet, on the left side.  The boy I "liked,"  Peter, sat in the middle, and the popular-but-bitchy girl, Gwen, sat on the right.     I don't remember how this came up, but in a bout of teasing, Gwen said, "So you like Peter?  Here, kiss him!" and proceeded to ram his head into mine.  I jumped up immediately, spitting my front teeth into my hand.  I remember going to ballet class that night with my gaping bloody holes.      When my teeth grew in, I had a hideous overbite.  I began orthodontic correction at age eight.       I have since moved away but learned from a friend that Gwen became unpopular in later years.  As for myself, I was later voted "Best Smile."     
  Sherman, the one-eyed German... The crotch kraut with the purple helmet.  
  Saw some guys moment about the smart-ass cashiers at McDonald's.  Guess what, asshole?  I am one of those overly confidant cashiers.  Don't piss us off..you haven't a clue what goes on behind this counter before the food gets to your putrid gob.  Have a nice day, fucktard.  
  the venerated grey beard once said if you decide to stop learning then you decide to stop living which i believe translates to dont be a narrowminded fuck and figure out someone elses point of view instead of tenaciously clinging to your peabrained and debilitating biased ideas  all hail the venerated grey beard        
  nothing like the feeling of waking up and being barely awake, and realizing that you have just used rubbing alcohol instead of mouthwash  
  so im sitting in my english class today, and im staring at this kid. now, hes pretty popular, nice looking, hot girlfriend, the usual jock. well, while im staring at him he sneezes into his hand. he looks at his hand, and then proceeds to lick the newly-sneezed snot off of his hand. then he sneezes again, looks down at his hand. apparently there wasnt anything there this time, because he just muttered "damn" and set his hand back in his lap.  
  LAOX is this big computer store in Chiba, Japan. My wife and I went in to check out the software and stuff. There was a salesman standing by a display of Lotus software. He was wearing a nice tie, nice shoes, nicely pressed white shirt, and nice slacks. And he smelled like he had just finished laying a greasy, rancid turd in his pants. That whole aisle smelled so bad, my wife and I both nearly barfed as we walked through that fucker's stench.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one of my friends quit a job because he was too interested in doing coke and acid instead of going to work.  he called them today and his boss said he had known about the drugs, and agreed to give him his old job back.  my friend was really happy, but i wondered what type of person would be anxious to go work at a place where everyone knew he did coke and acid.  by the way, it is a country club.        
  When I feel down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of its chain and gag itself.  -Anonymous        
  shag carpets are like little scrap books for your puke. Your memories are trapped away for almost ever, until that is you are laying down one day playing Tony Hawk and see a pepperccini staring back at you from deep inside the woven madness.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As if my headache was not bad enough, the team of supervisers at work today are all wearing black pants, white shirts, black ties, black sunglasses and black hats, walking up and down the ailes of cubicles in the call center clapping and grinning, cheering about "customer service."  The CEO of the company is here today and we are forced to wear cheesy necklaces with an image of him waving a giant foam finger with a quote ("If you don't love customers, you shouldn't be in this game!").  Even as I write this, they are cheering in the distance as though this were a football game.  I really hate this job.  Vodka and lowbrow are the only things that get me through my days.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When strange noises would come floating out of the vacant house across the street, noises that sounded frighteningly like TVs or washing machines, us neighborhood kids became quite convinced the place was haunted.  We didn't know the term "squatter".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Father/Daughter moment:   when your Dad tells you to put a sweater on, you know he accidently checked you out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend of mine was telling me about an new co-worker.  He was going on and on about how he had to train him.  Then he says, "well, since I am the manager, I guess it is my job to SHOW HIM THE ROKES."    I was like, "what the fuck did you just say?"    He goes, "you know, show him the ROKES."   I asked him what the hell a roke was, and he goes "I don't know, it's just a saying."   I almost wet my pants.  He had no idea, in 28 years on this planet, that the saying was actually "show him the ropes."    
  "You stink," said he.  "I'm sorry," she responded.  Then hopefully:  "Is there something I'm doing wrong?"  "No no no," he reassured her, "But I meant what I said: You smell bad."        
  My mother tells the story like this:  "Well, you were six, and Ryan was two.  Three.  And it was during the summer, because you were home from school.  It was in the middle of the afternoon.  You and Ryan were playing in the backyard, doing something, I don't know what, and I was sitting in the living room trying to read."  "You and Ryan would run into the house, laughing and giggling, and then you'd run upstairs, and stomp about up there for a while, then run back downstairs and outside again, still laughing and giggling.  I didn't think anything of it because you were both having a good time -- if Ryan came in crying then I knew there was trouble."  Mom picks up her beer.  "You kept doing this, though, several times in a row.  Running in, running upstairs, running downstairs, running back outside.  Every few minutes or so.  So finally I collared you as you were running back upstairs and asked what you were doing.  You said you and Ryan were playing Torpedoes, and then ran back upstairs.  I figured you were doing all right, so I went back to the living room.  And I happened to look out the window at the backyard."  "You and Ryan had been upstairs in my room and had found my box of tampons.  Somehow you learned how to shoot them out of the applicator, so you were taking them outside and shooting them over the backyard fence.  Torpedoes.  You shot my entire box of tampons out over the backyard fence, right into the front yard.  Right by the busy road.  You'd littered our entire front yard with tampons.  For all to see. Playing Torpedoes."  We laugh, and Mom laughs, and sets down her beer again.  "I just thank God you guys didn't find the diaphragm."  
  I met this pill-popping, opium-smoking, heavy-drinking girl in Chieng-Mai. I moved in to her room. She said she always went to sleep with a lit joint in her hand.  -Aren't you afraid the bed's gona catch fire? -It always goes out. -the joint? -Yeah, or the bed.  She went to sleep late. I had to stay awake.  
  My first recycled Lowbrow moment:  I was at work, reading the brow, and talking to a friend on the phone who is a really sweet girl, just not the fastest mouse in the maze.  Anyway, I came across Limbo's(?) posting about JFK's slip-up when he spoke in Germany. That one cracked me up, so my friend asked me what was so funny.  I told her that Kennedy was speaking at the Berlin Wall, and in mangled German, said "I am a jelly donut." She cracked up for a while too, then asked, "recently?"  *sigh*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom was with them and she was buying them beer. I never went back to the frat house...  
  I was Hammered last night and thought of a moment. And god was it Funny, so i wrote it down. I looked at the napkain this morning.. "What the Fuck Does 'Full Cock Faced Power' mean?"  
  You know when you call for customer service or support, and it sounds like the line goes dead, but it doesn't really?  That's because the representative you are talking to has you on mute and is telling the person next to them how fucking stupid you are.  And laughing.  
  In the beginning, each tribe possessed only one word, until on one fateful day the tribe who possessed the word "let's" began the sequence of events that would change the world. They said: "Let's let's let's let's let's let *let's* let's let's!". And off they went to conquer the "go" tribe. From that day on, they chanted "let's go go let's go let's let's go let's go go go let's let's go let's." Upon chanting the new wonderful combinations, they went off to conquer the "conquer" tribe. They roared "let's go conquer let's conquer go let's conquer let's go!" And finally, after a long and difficult struggle, it came to pass that they acquired the "pussy" tribe.  
  We were all eating hamburgers and mike has just finished his 5th one. Someone commented that mike was the hamburger eating king. I laughed with the rest of them. But it was  hard. I had always thought of myself as the hamburger eating king.  
  Third day on the temp job and I'm bored to tears. Outside across the quad I can see the maintenance guy up on a ladder, painting. So I page him and put in the number of the local radio station. Slow careful climb down, clean shoes, make way inside to phone...stomps back out looking really pissed. Next page gets him Dial-A-Prayer. More stomping. Next page, moviefone. I thought he was going to have a seizure.  And the dumbass never thought to turn off the pager.  Think of the things I could do if I applied all this energy toward good. Nah.  
  Went to friends place for a little get together.  Me, my friend Arn and his wife, Gary (his wife was working late).  So, we have some drinks, play some video games, and eventually Arn's wife gets tired and goes to sleep, effectively removing our 'chaperone' from the equation.   Time passes and we three guys are tanked.  Turns out the girl upstairs is cute.  Me and Gary go up to her apartment to say 'hi'.  Much of what happens is now lost to me.  I know we went back down to get more drinks.  I decided to go swimming in the apartment buildings pool- sans clothes.  Then things take a bad turn. Some woman, who turned out to be the resident militant lesbian, starts screaming at me to get out of the pool and put my clothes on.  Apparently I didn't care much for that, so I got out of the pool and somehow climbed up the railing to the second floor, naked.   Gary's wife comes home at this very inopportune moment - Gary hanging from the girl's balcony upstairs, the only thing visible from the window are his dangling legs; and me standing stark naked in the kitchen, my clothes down by the pool with a screaming lesbian down the hall.  All the while Gary's daughter is asleep in the other room.  Not a pretty sight. Arn's wife got my clothes, Gary came down and his wife freaked out.  I got dressed, but strangely chose to put on my shirt first instead of my pants...And if all that isn't bad enough,  the moment I got my shoes on, the cops showed up.  The female cop was pretty cool, but the guy was a real hard-ass.  He's powertriping.  He asks which one of us was in the pool.  Silence.  Then he says if we don't speak up, we ALL go to jail.  All the arms go up like they're spring activated, fingers pointing at me.  The cop cuffs me and proceeds to give us a little speech.  When he's finished, he uncuffs me and sends us off with a warning. Moral of the story?  Booze, skinny-dipping and angry lesbians don't mix.  Oh, and don't be me.  
  Mid-ninth grade.  Before Biology.  I've just been dumped by one of the most beautiful girls in the school.  Chubby, semi-good looking, psudeo-goth slips me a note.  She wants me to date her.  I don't know her, I don't particularly like the way she looks, and my friends (of which I had in abundance, then) all tell advise me against it (she had made her intentions for me a week before).  But- something in me cannot resist the urge to be with someone, instead of being alone.  I write two notes.  One that says "yes" and one that says "no."  I mix them up, as the bell rings, and place one in each back pocket with the intent of picking a random one.  She approaches me, and I reach into my back right pocket...  A breathless moment, as once again, the Karmic train blazes straight towards me...  and I give her the "yes" note.    What's more lowbrow?  The fact that I even DID this... or the fact that in the year that followed she totally destroyed my self-esteem, my life, and eventually lead to the abandonment by all my previous friends?  Fuck you, Jessica.    
  I was going to the mall.  Some asshole driving a new Ford Excursion beat me to this parking spot near the entrance.  I had to park way in the back.  After walking for what seemed like a week, I came upon his Excursion.  In a fit of rage and silliness I pushed all the number lock security thing buttons randomly over and over.  Then "click," the doors unlocked.  So I took advantage of the moment.  I turned on his headlights and left the door open.  I hope he had to walk home.  
  Somebody (probably me) had made too many long-distance phone calls from the computer lab where I work at my college, so they took the phone out.   They didn't disconnect it though. A couple of times I've seen this guy come in with a phone, plug it in, and talk on it. He does this late at night. Weird.   
  Is it wrong to steal the batteries out of your little brothers toys when your vibrator stops working?    
  I cannot recall the names of my first three Room-Mates at college.  I remember them simply as: The Redneck Jock. The Alcoholic Womanizer. And The Drugie.  Normally I would not hold such things against people. But these were their best qualities.  
  I can't ever get the cork back into the wine bottle completely after opening it. The cork is always too big so how can I place the bottle in a wine rack in a horizontal position to keep the cork wet? If I did that the wine would pour out everywhere. Do the wine makers do this purposely? Or, are people supposed to drink all of the contents of the wine bottle upon opening it so the problem never even comes up. Do I not drink enough wine?  
  Just after midnight, Jan. 1st 1995.  John & I get out of the house, and scream "FUCK THE NEW YEAR!  FUCK 1995!!" while giving the finger to the sky.  All the while we walk across the street in the snow, to the little-shit public park, pissing the whole time we are walking.   
  My 7 year old son went and saw the movie "Treasure Planet" and decided that he has to have a mullet just like the hero in the flick.  I don't care, it's his hair (which is a lowbrow enough attitude in and of itself)  Six months later not a single barber has been able to follow his instructions and he still doesn't have his mullet.  Apparently it takes a lot more intelligence to style a mullet than it does to wear one.  
  Ahhh sweet internet porn where would my life be without you. I have a collection of over 50 gig which is in most people's books a fair amount however recently 2 events have made me wonder why I have so much:  1.) Hard drive dies on me! I lose 18 gig and end up having to send it back to the store. I don't hear from them for almost a month then I call and say what's happening, they say the drives fine but there's a charge to send it back. OK I pay up all done...erm....did you say you tested the drive and it was all fine! Damn no wonder the kept it a month!  2.) Lan meet (sad I know but 20 of us went to this thing and just got drunk and pissed about) 2nd day in and 5 security gards suddenly appear behind me. Apparently I forgot to turn off the sharing after I brought my PC into work so a friend could leech it all from me and I was sharing a good 30/40 gig with about 1000 other people. I had to beg and plead ignorance so they let me stay  Now I never thought I'd say this but maybe I have too much!?  
  A Cheetah is the fastest animal on land  Okay, I'll buy that.  There are over 250,000,000 americans today.   Okay, I'll buy that.   A Computer can perform billions of operations a second.  Okay, I'll buy that.  "Careful sir, the plate's hot."  Let me investigate this one myself.    
  Due to the recent West Coast dockworkers' strike, there has a been a panicked emptying of toilet paper in the local stores.  People are even talking about saving the local paper, just in case. Guess all those who jeered at me for stealing toilet paper for years until I had an entire closet full aren't jeering any more.   
  Somewhere along the line, I turned into a reverse vampire, working from dawn until dusk while my job sucked my lifeblood out.        
  If you go to some shitty all night breakfast palce try and sit next to the EMT's, they talk about the funniest shit.  However, if you're tripping be warned...  
  I was online at school today, and I introduced 2 goody goody hotties to lowbrow, and the three of us laughed at the first post that came up, which happened to be a hilarious caught in the act masturbation moment. After the laughter subsided, i realized that the first of the two hotties was ACTUALLY TELLING about the time she got caught diddling, then hottie number 2 proceeded to tell a simmilar, and equally tantalizing tale.  Later, when i was beating off, my Grandma sent me an Instant Message, asking, "hows it hanging".   That was the most uncomfortable orgasm i have ever had.  
  A few years ago, my family moved from New York City to Boston. Every summer, my grandmother (who still lives in the city) invites me to come stay with her for a few weeks, and I always do, mainly because it gives me a chance to see my old friends again. Plus my grandmother is a really cool old woman and it's always fun to stay with her. She lives in this massive apartment on 5th avenue and is rich as sin, which isn't a bad deal.   One night she told me that she was going to see a musical with some of her friends and made it clear that she wasn't going to be home until very, very late. She left me with a ridiculous amount of cash to order food and shit, so I invited over a couple of friends and we ended up buying a staggering amount of pot. And making brownies. We finished the vast majority of the baked goods and then went out for a fancy dinner with the remaining cash.  When I came back to the apartment, I was surprised to find my grandmother passed out on a chair in the living room. The three brownies that were remaining were now gone. She must have gotten home earlier than planned.  The next morning she asked me for the recipe.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Millie wanted to abash her classmate Sarah, who had recently bragged about getting straight A's in math. Millie told everyone that Sarah wore dirty underwear.        
  If life gives you lemons, pick them up and huck them back at life, because God knows you cant do shit with lemons.  -Sara  
  I'm drinking caffeince free diet coke.        
  You cant spell CRAP with out RAP.    
  This woman was telling me at work that she was a "pro" at eating and driving.  Yeah, she was really fat.  Must drive too much.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               a q-tip in your penis? good god man, just use your hands like the rest of us  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR  Doctor:  Your genital herpes test results came in.  Lady:  Okay....  Doctor:  You tested negative.  We found out that it was just dried-up strawberry oatmeal.    Lady:  So, is there a cure for that?  
  I have the best moment ever. It is filled with emotion, humor, and a deep philisophical meaning. But by the time the "*YOUR MOMENT" page loaded, I had forgotten what it was.  
  I don't remeber why but he was yelling at me at the top of his lungs in my driveway-like always.  Right about then my fabulous next door neighbor walked out with a beer and a sawed off shot gun. "I think you should quit yelling, get back in your souped up car, and take your cherry ass back to your momma's house" he said taking a sip of beer.  He peeled out of my driveway and my neighbor laughed.  "Thatwas kinda funny playing a redneck and all."        
  Sitting in my room one evening, getting baked with a couple buddies, Steve returns from the bathroom shaking his head. "Dude it's like fucking SUPER GLUE!" While it is lowbrow in and of itself that my brothers shit can somehow adhere to the side of the bowl with the strength of a super powered electric magnet, the TRUE lowbrow moment is the feeling of pride we get upon finally dislodging a chunk, nearly bursting a vein to pressurize PISS.    
  My immature 16 year old girlfriend had lied to me.  She said she was sick, so I shouldn't come over that night.  I called her up later to check on her and she was out with some people.  I called her cell phone and got a hold of her.  In the background I heard these two guys laughing.  In full serious I said, "Tell me where you are, and I'm going to crack those fucking guys heads in."  She said they were laughing at something else.  I said fine.  After she hung up I still punched my windshield.  For the next 3 months I was reminded of that conversation by the fact that I had to lean to the far right to see.  
  Did you know that drinking orange juice makes your herpes worse?  I do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Our hostess asked me if I could identify her little acrylic do-dad?  "A cheese knob!", she proudly tells us.  The next time that I want to insult someone, I am going to call him a cheese knob.  
  Steve: So I'm at this Halloween party. Me: Uh huh. Steve: And I go in the back to lie down on a bed cuz my head's hurting from all the booz. Me: Yeah. Steve: Except someone's hiding under the covers and I lie down on top of them.  Me: Ha ha!  Steve: But then two pairs of hands reach out and wrap around me.  Me: Uh-oh.  Steve: And they start getting me off! They reached in the pants of my costume and just start going to town. Me: Pervert! Steve: So at first I'm nervous, but whoever this is, they really know their shit. I've never had a wank this fucking good. Me: Sicko. Steve: So the covers fly across the room, but I still can't see anything cuz they're behind me.  Me: Freak.  Steve: The tempo is perfect. Fast, then a lull, then faster, then a lull, and somehow almost no friction.  Me: Degenrate. Steve: Finally, I come, and they smear it all over the front of my Gomez Addams costume. Then I pull up my pants and, without looking back, head back to the party, my mind clear as a bell. Me: Gomez Addams? That was YOU?  
  "You're a whore," she said to me.  I looked her up and down and said back, "Damn right i am."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  the smoldering ended with a rather forward question do you mind if i touch it said he to she uh no go ahead she didnt  fucking mind didnt mind at all she dreamed of him asking her to touch it its why she got the damned thing  he ran his finger ever so slightly downward from the top of her navel across he stud and down to the bottom lip of her incredibly edible belly button knowing  exactly that that is why she got the godamned thing i hadda at least make it worth the pain said he to me how altruistic        
  Old folks think that college is Animal House, all us youth tend to do is drink, screw, and party in togas.  Corporations think that we're do-right hippies, irrational cause-lovers hellbent on destroying their market.  The media portrays us as underambitious intellectuals, wordy, cynical, as we are all nerdy bastards.  Not me, though.  I view college like one of those Polynesian snuff films.  3 men slit a woman's neck and then take turns on her...  Don't judge me.  It's hard to meet girls the conventional way.    
   Go look at the home page of arkansas.gov. There is a link to "find registered sex offenders". Now I won't have to hang around bars as much.  
  Whatever you do don t let your Pyscho girlfriend get next to a BMW M5 with a handful of eggs on Halloween.  Yeah we were in a Honda, there was no getting away.  When we thought we had lost them we were wrong, they pulled up with a gun and fired 3 shots in the air.  After 4 hours of being chased we finally lost them.  I slept with my back to her that night.  
  this makes me feel better  i am not a vicious person but my arrogant phd boss was to be fired for not doing his job and for bilking the co for multigrands but claimed no one was smart enough to figure out what he was up to he worked another job while i did his work at the firm he offered me thirty gs to shut up and deal i erased his password by removing the bios battery he thought he erased all of his documents but i recovered them all every damned little dirty secret and buried body i zip drived all of his plagerisms and the docs he copied them from onto one disk of death his case to the ceo was to sue for severance i gave a copy of the disk to the ceo the weasle resigned  i still have the disk       
  After you shit, no matter much you wipe, you're  never truly clean until the next time you shower. Keep that in mind.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In May of 2000 in Las Vegas  My friend and I had been playing blackjack all morning.  After about 4 hours we'd turned $400 into $20,000.  I had huge piles of $100 chips and misc others ($5, $25 etc).  They changed dealers on us and I decided I'd done well enough and exchanged everything for purple $500 chips to make the trip to the cash exchange cage easier.  As I stood up with my 24 $500 chips, another friend of ours who'd been watching us play makes some snide comment about me betting purple chips.  I HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM  My nostrils flare...  I sit back down and start betting the maximum: $2000 a hand.  I lost everything back in 6 consecutive hands, even the $1000 I'd put into my pocket to make sure I left with something...  Yes, I am the supreme jackass.  
  its nice to hear your ex moan that she had forgotten how good it could be and that it hadn't been that good since the last time a couple of years ago  i guess 12 orgasms is a lot in one sitting  
  I'm insulin-dependant diabetic, so I get to spend lots of time in hospitals, even when I'm healthy.  I struck up a friendship with all the black ladies working at Yale Diagnostic Labratories. This one in particular, she used to call her friends over to check out my piercings and tattoos - they'd always ask if it hurt, what it was like to kiss a girl with that in, do I have "y'know, there?" pierced, etc...  I always used to go along with it good-naturedly, because these ladies were nothing if not some of the sweetest people I've met, but I had to fuck with them sometimes. I'd tell them I was scared of needles when it was time for bloodwork, I'd jerk my arms around a lot...  But my favorite: "What it like, havin' dat in yo' tongue all day?"  "It's OK. Hey- What's it like, having all those gold teeth in there?"  She just smiled a gold-rimmed smile and drew my blood.  
  I had just broken my leg and was rushed to the hospital.    My EMT was a former Miss Pennsylvania.    Remember how your parents told you to always wear clean underwear, in case you ever got rushed to the hospital?   Well, I shit my pants.   Go figure, the one time I thought I'd be all safe and stuff, I end up crappin my pants and leavin skidmarks the size of New Jersey.  True story.   
  When I was about 13, I found myself in the intern apartment of the guy that was living on location at a place I volunteered at.  He said he would be gone for the day.  I knew he had porn, he just looked the type.  Sure enough, in the underwear drawer (otherwise known as the gateway to pleasure), alas, a Playboy.  I pull it out and bring it to the chair, to feast my eyes on the things that 13 year old boys can't quite visualize yet. A door slams. A car door. Oh shit, I thought.  I jump up and run over to the drawer, but pull it out too damn far in my nervousness, spilling its contents all over the floor.   SHIT! I scoop them up, throw them in, but the drawer won't shut right.   The apartment door opens, he walks in, and there I am trying to shut his porn/underwear drawer. "What, the hell?" he says, a little too unfazed by it all. "I, uh, was going to the bathroom and uh, this drawer fell out and I ah, tried to put it back!?" He locked his apartment after that.  
  When I was a little kid, I used to snowball the toilet paper when wiping my ass.  After several times of getting in trouble for clogging the toilet & wasting paper, I was forced into folding instead.    Present tense:  The toilet I use at work is powerful enough to suck down small children, and there is an endless supply of ass wipe that I don't have to pay for.  I've once again discovered the joy of snowballing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mother was telling me about seeing Disney's "Fantasia" her first time.  She was 22  In 1970  With dazed eyes fully open and a plastic grin on her mouth, she said:  It was the best movie I ever saw....  Then she told me about growing pot in the backyard  I now know where I got it from...  
  As he had never been to San Francisco, I decided to take him there.  Had a good time, showed him Chinatown and Little Italy and the Golden Gate and Coit Tower and Broadway (very appropriately named) and the Haight and all that touristy shit.  I live not far from Frisco, so I suggested we go to my favorite pizza place: Escape From New York Pizza on Castro  *background for those not familiar with San Francisco: the Castro is where most of the rainbow flags fly in the city.  Great stores, great nightlife, but be secure with yourself (if straight)  In retrospect, I probably should have told him to buy a souvenir shirt at Peir 39 or something.  His said "I may be shy, but I have a big dick"  
  One of the more hideous things I regularly put on the subject line of an email:  Pus-filled penis bursts and extinguishes flaming scrotum.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         tales of the video store clerk.  ok, so this guy, a polite older gentleman, is renting "alien 3" and "alien resurrection" which means of course i have to go and tell him that "resurrection" is one of the worst piece of shit movies ever made -- i wrote a better draft of the same exact script when i was 13, but that's beside the point -- and ask why the hell he isn't renting the first two (which are coincidentally two of the most awesome movies ever made, by two of the world's best oscar winning authors, sir ridley scott, and james "the terminator" cameron), but i chose to start the polite conversation (i was bored what can i say?) with "so you're a fan of the 'alien' series, huh?" to which he replies, completely seriously, "no, i'm having an orgy tonight."  the fuck?  
  It would be lowbrow for such a thing to even exist, but if it does, I would love to see the editing guidelines for posting here. I mean, what can be so heinous and horrid that the site owners have to delete the offending moment and hope it dies quietly? I shudder to think.   
  One bug to another: "Damn, she's got a hot thorax"  
   A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."  He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."  There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.   
  i work at baskin robbins.  when people come in they feel the need to say "i'll try one of everything" and then laugh their ass off. it's not funny.  i've heard it so many times that all i really want to say is "how original. you are the first to ever say that to me."  
  picked up a one night stand in the "aracde" in the back of a porn store once...  i'm 22... he was in his late 30's  i don't remember his name...  we went back to my place where i fucked him. right after cumming, i informed him that he couldn't spend the night...  as he was leaving, he asked for my phone number. i said no...  he asked, "will i ever see you again?"  i responded, "if i see you, i'll have seen you." i then shut the sliding glass door in his face...  never read "picture of dorian gray" before a one-night stand...  
  Working at an Office Depot Copy Center.  Some random customer asks me about my college plans, I name some random college.  He comes back later with 6 dozen donuts and gives them to me.  Is it lowbrow to make my co-workers eat a few first and watch for ill effects of poison?  
  I was 14 and weeks away from being sent to a country club-like inpatient place for my delinquent behavior. My girlfriend at the time was 16, had recently moved to the US from Germany, and had a convertable and an indoor pool. I had it made. Not wanting to inconvenience myself with a kid and having an aversion to buying condoms at age 14, my girlfriend and i engaged in copious amounts of buttsex. On one particular evening while enjoying said buttsex her mother came into the room, well lit with splendid daylight, to tell us she was going to the mall. My dick in her lovely daughter's ass framed center in her view.  Her mother and father had us down for a lovely talk regarding sex, i called for my ride home, and all was well...though i do not think we met socially after that.  The kicker is; a few months later my mom, oblivious to the incident, overheard two other parents discussing it at a school function. I was roudly chastised...thankfully (i think) the sex had turned vaginal while making its way down the grapevine...  I still can't figure out how her mother finished telling us she was going to the mall...  
    Half a liter of 100 proof Southern Comfort in 15 minutes or less. When things start getting dark I forget the shot glass and take it straight fromt he bottle. Retell same three stories until my friends are telling them to me and I think they're psychic. I go blind but still walk around using my head to find the walls. Get stuck on kitchen floor and Romina (foreign girl) almost loses her pants when I try to use her to climb back up. Only time I ever threw up from drinking though, nobody ever bothers to take me to a hospital. I'm the man of steel some believe. Wasn't so resilient the next day.        
  Time to feel old when you can't wack off more than 3 times in a day without your cock hurting.  
  I used to be a missionary. I spent four years going door-to-door, selling Christian books.  Now I have gay porn movies about that kinda stuff.  
  Walking to work...  Mission Street...  Shitty beer...  One pound can...  With a straw.  
  Now I live in "Dilbert." I used to have an awesome boss. Two awesome bosses &#151; three, really, if you count my direct supervisor (who is so cool, she's more like a co-worker). Now one of the stupidest people I've ever encountered is in charge of me. It's pretty sweet, though: He likes me, has dreams of molding me as his protege, I think, and so he tells me shit. Confidential, human resources-type shit. The kind you don't share with peons like me. I'm just keeping it in a file. Once I have enough of it, I may try to get him fired.  
  I hate it when he doesn't know exactly why I am mad at him.  Like he should know from the subtle hints I lay down every three to five seconds.  Then I have to tell him (in detail) just what an asshole he is - which of course reminds me of what an asshole he is and just how much he has pissed me off.   So then I get even madder and feel like killing him and he still doesn't know why I'm mad at him cause the football is on and "that could have been a point".    And then he wonders why I spit in his coffee.      
  Just read about the guy who pisses in the portajohn sinks and how he's grossed out by things splashing out of the tank onto his unit.  I've experienced worse.  Ever had to take a shit in a public john?  ...And forgot to flush it before going at it?  Let me tell you that having the previous user's urine splash up into your ass when you drop a log is about as far from pleasant as you can get.  I still cringe at the thought and diligently flush before sitting down, even in my own home...  
  if i told my girlfriend to bite my dick because that's the closest we'd come to sex in a long time, do i really deserve a biting?  she thought so...  damn that hurt...  
  Sometimes when I'm getting out of the shower, preparing for fuckmeat to come over, I don't put underwear back on.  Just pants.  Skips a step...helps things along when he gets here.    Ack...that's probably a big flashing red light that says I'm getting too good at this.  
  So this guy at work started calling me "Electric boy" because my hair is spikey.  I started calling him "Electrolysis guy" because he's bald.  Ah, the joys of the last week of work.  
  me: well, that time out at the center with the computer monitor was funny me: even though I busted my damn car up him: how did you bust it at the center? me: the flat tire on that back road him: ohyeha him: but that was funny me: yeah, it was him: we got that on tape     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         IRONY: writing a college entrance exam for a girl that i know,  "The Importance of Honesty in My Life"        
  I know no one will believe me, but my mom flashes my friends. She's in her 40's and has had three children....  We're both in a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast, and whenever she plays the criminologist, she bares her breasts to the entire audience, every single time....  And you think your parents are embarrassing.   
  When I was pooping for the second time today, I discovered a piece of bile that looked kinda like a small tree.  I had a shrimp po-boy for lunch, but I don't think there were any trees in it...  
  Best friend passes out on the old shitter after a long night of 3.99 a handle vodka.  A rescue team goes in to find him face down, pants and ankles, and one testicle just poking between his legs.  Needless to say we sent the pics to his girlfriend almost two years later.  
  Never trust anyone with more than one accent mark in their name.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've made a mental note to myself that if I'm still alive on her 82nd birthday, I'm gonna find her and fuck her up the ass.  Now that's true love and dedication.        
  my bands name is skrody joe and the gonads. i walk out on stage and say. "hello every one. im skody joe and these are my gonads"  
  jacking off and my cat gets interested, bats my wagging cock and scratches the living shit out of it. my glands were like swollen eggs and i could barely walk before i went to the doctor. never did confess how i got scratched.   and i thought cat scratch fever was bullshit  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The 40 year old lady who works in the office across from mine came in and seen me eating my lunch...which was cheesecake.    She walked in and out of no where said, "I would give my left testicle for a bite of that cheesecake." Then...she just stared.    I was in midbite and I tried forcing that gulp down.  I gladly offered her the rest.    I guess I learn something new every day...the thought of 40 year old woman having nutsacks works better then any diet I've tried so far.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         shitty day. the kind that makes you wish you had a rifle and a belltower handy. mom makes brother and i go to the damned store to pick up whatever for dinner. crammed store full of inbred idiots.  i walk outside, and theres a little girl handing out kittens.   she looks up at me, ever so sweetly and asks, mister, do you want a kitty?  I reply, no thanks, i've allready eaten today.  Hear sharp intake of breath from mother and i know that from that moment on, i'm having a GOOD day.  
  He eyed the can of America's Best Genuine Iced Coffee (the caffeine tallboy) with suspicion.    "Why do you drink that stuff?"  "Because it tastes good, that's why," I countered.  "Well, only the Cappuccino flavor tastes good enough that I can stand to drink three of them a day."  "I dunno, 45 ounces of that stuff...no wonder you're always nuts."  "Wanna taste it?" I asked, maybe a little too quickly.  He nodded, and furtively took the can, raised it to his lips, and took a small sip.  "Oh, man --" he said, scrunching his eyes closed and screwing his face into a pucker.  "It tastes like those candies, you know, the Werther's Original candy.  The butterscotch kind.   Tastes like liquified butterscotch candies.  Ugh."  He passed the can back to me, and I took a long slug.  "I like it fine.  It's yummy."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  So I had a girlfriend for all of 9 months. She dropped by one afternoon when I was sick with a pan of brownies and a video tape with the simpsons on it (my favorite show). so I start eating the brownies and turn on the tape. midway through it, it cuts to her sucking off some dude. he nuts in her mouth, she looks at the camera, and says "you're dumped. enjoy the brownies" - and spits the mouthful of cum into a bowl of brownie mix.     
  I had realy bad gas today.  Left over fast food farts.  Warm and rank, the kind that lingers. I work in a small office with no windows and 1 door that I keep closed for privacy. People come in people go out, the fart smell stays. When I came back from lunch today someone snuck an air freshener under my desk. Thanx.  
  i did it i flipped the bitch off!   then i turned around and ran into a pole..   
  I went out with a woman and when she came to meet me at my job she was carrying 13 washed out pickle jars.  If this sounds out of the ordinary you should read my book.  She also was dressed in the same pants as she wore the day before except today they had writting all over them as if her and her friends had gone on a binge with speed and DR.Pepper being the victims.  It turns out she was trying to raise money to travel by dancing half naked in the park and using the jars as tip recepticles.  Needless to say no one gave her money but she did pick up a blue button, 4 matches and the left arm from a G.I.Joe action figure.  When trying to figure out why it is that I attract crazy burds...I was given some great advice that I have lived by for some time now.  "The park is not a great place to meet women, chances are they are there cause the park is the only free place around these days."  On the upside I picked my self up a mint left arm from a cobra commander action figure!  
  Hudson River Tales #17  Finishing up a long night of fishing. It's been fun, because we don't often get to spend a whole night down next to the bright lights of Manhattan. Slightly scary, though, because the river traffic is like a freeway at rush hour, and most of them weigh 1000 times what we do. John suddenly slams the engine into reverse and spins the wheel as fast as he can. On the front deck, we go sprawling. John stops the boat. Right in front of us is an enormous yacht, dead in the water, completely dark. When we drift into it with a gentle clunk, we realize that it's actually anchored, with no lights on, in the middle of America's busiest seaway. These days, you'd  immediately think "Al Queda!" but at the time it was just a mystery with a solution somewhere. Guy must have heard us bump. Comes on deck with a flashlight: "Hey! Can you call my wife?" John: "Eh, how about we call the harbormaster? You're a sitting duck, here..." Guy: "No. My wife'll know what to do. Just call her." Makes no sense at all. John: "We don't have a radio-phone (this is Stone Age 1979), can we take you off and radio the harbormaster?" Guy gets agitated: "Could you take me to shore to call my wife? I'll pay you." John ,being a nice guy agrees, but the guy gets agitated again: "Eh, I don't want to leave my boat unattended. Could somebody watch it for me while were gone?" Yeah, right. Sit on an invisible, anchored boat while 80,000 ton ships ride up and down the channel. But the mystery was too much to resist, so Vinnie and I grab his rail and hoist ourselves aboard. Guy looks conflicted again. He obviously wants to lock the cabin up before he leaves, but correctly realizes that would be too rude. So Vinny and I, left alone, check it out. We figure we're babysitting $2 - $3 million worth of boat. After 20 minutes, we can't figure how it could ever have become disabled -- twin power plants,  twin electrical systems, twin everything. The mystery deepens. The next door that opens is the liquor cabinet. Vinny doesn't recognize most of them, but  I do . Single-Malt Whisky Heaven. Vinny wants to sample some.  Fuck sampling - I want to find out how to get this thing running again and maybe just vanish  with it all. We actually start down to the engine room with evil thoughts in our heads (no, we couldn't claim it for salvage. We'd just be stealing it). But if we got it running, we could probably get to  anywhere  in the world we wanted to go without being found. And besides, we figured from the guy's  behavior that it was loaded with  something  that made him reluctant to call the harbormaster.  &quot;Yo, Vinny!&quot; Damn. The real world intrudes again. We go on deck, help the guy  back into his boat, and jump down to ours. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...   Guy: &quot;Thank you! I'll be fine now! Let me give you a present!&quot; Hands me down  a smoky-dark bottle of 30 year-old Glen Grant. Maybe he noticed we'd left the  liquor cabinet door open, and that nothing was missing.   Almost made up for it, right there. But John was so paranoid about the  company ban on alcohol on board that he made me throw the bottle over the  side...   ... securely attached to a line, of course. The company rule didn't say  anything about bottles of whisky being towed behind a vessel...  
  My best friend has this annoying habit of spitting when he smokes. He says his mouth dries out, and it helps keep that "nasty taste" out of there. I really don't think much of it anymore. I'm so used to it. Until one night we were at a club and he lights up a cigarette... I realised at that moment I am a total loser.  Dancing in a club like an idiot with a rather passive Indian man, who is spitting every 30 seconds. Yep, that's my life.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am prone to sinus in fections. Which is strange as I never did much coke.  One time as I sat in english class with my asshole of a teacher, I hocked the nastiest greenest lugey. One that was greener, and thicker than most rain forests. In the middle of it was a very defineable spot of deep red blood. I decide maybe its time to blow my nose, and go see the doctor.  I approach my English teacher, and ask to use the rest. The bastard tells me I should have gone before the break and to sit down and finish my essay. I tell him i'm not feeling so well. He replies "Maybe you'd feel better if you had researched you in class essay topic.  Now go sit down."    I then proceeded to hock another one of those tasty tasty green think lugies and spat it in the middle of his desk. Now this was drenched almost completely in blood. I replied "You're gonna have a lot more of those if you don't let me leave...right... now.  I was suspended for 3 days. Fucking cocksucker.  
  One day I, a college student of 18, was desperate for a drink but had no 21 year old to buy me alcohol.  I was sitting on my bed with my boyfriend when I see a naked girl sprint in front of my door.  Intrigued, I walk out into the hall and strike up a conversation with her.  I ask her what she's drinking and she says Ernest and Julio Gallo Cafe Zinfandel.  "I've never had that before," I hint.  "Is it any good?"  "Do you want to try some?" she says.  SCORE!!!  So I bring my boyfriend over with me to a dorm romm where there are four people.  One fat chick in a bra and pants.  One attractive girl in a see-through undershirt and matching thong.  One very short unattractive guy in his boxers.  And of course the original naked girl.  They hand me a glass of wine.  Surprisingly good for a $5 bottle.  Then the conversation turns to pube-trimming.  "You mean you've never trimmed your pubes?!" the original nude girl says to the attractive girl.  "I'm too afraid she says."  "Well I'll trim them for you" says original nude.  The attractive girl pulls of her thong with one quick motion, revealing a tampon string.  She sits in a chair and the naked girl gets down on her knees with the scissors and starts to trim, pausing to complement the attractive girl on the sparsity of her pubes.  "Do you want leave?" my boyfriend whispers in my ear.  "No, this is funny" I say.  Later that night, I ask him why he wanted to leave.  "I just thought you wouldn't want me looking at other naked girls" he says.  "Oh, I didn't even think about that," I say.  "I just wanted to finish my wine."  Man, was I desperate for a drink.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               So, when the Pastor asks, "Are there anymore questions?" the appropriate response is not, "Why do men have nipples? I mean, really?"    
  About a year ago I worked at McDonald's, it wasn't that bad of a job becasue the manager would buy me and my firends alcohol, not to mention she had some really good weed hookups. But you know you are a sad excuse for a human being when you look forward to going to work so you can get lit and mess with customers.  I still think that some of it was pretty funny  me: "what can I get for you?"  lady: "just a sec."  me: "I'm sorry we don't sell time"  classic  
  They probably hadn't been in the country long.  Their clothes were mismatched and ill-fitting; he wore a tuxedo jacket, she a windbreaker.  They walked hand in hand down the aisle in Mervyns, gawking at the merchandise and then smiling shyly at each other.  Clearly there hadn't been anything like this whence they came.  But they walked together under the flourescent lights, through the x-mas muzac and the mountains of merchandise-- and they were in love.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I was five at the time. My mother told me to walk to my grandparents' house and drop some stuff off. It was some distance there. Around midway of the walk, and I really needed to take a shit.  So I sat down on the asphalt trying to prevent it from coming out. It was a good half hour. I walked again, but during the walk there were times where I still felt like shitting. As I got to my grandparents' house, my grandmother opens the door; I say "I need to go to the bathroom." She screams "HURRY IT UP!" As I run up the steps in through the front door, the shit starting coming out and a lot of it fell through my shorts.  My grandmother screamed and cussed at me for a long time. Hahaha, I laugh when I think about it.  
  I can count the number of women I've had sex with on an double amputee's fingers.   I'm 21.  Just as well that old wive's tale isn't true or I'd be reduced to listening to porn.  That's not too much fun at all.  
  I was about 7-8 years old when my mom asked me if I knew where my Play-Dough factory toy is: With this toy you applied pressure on a lever to squeeze out Play-Dough out of one of many changable formed shapes-- hearts, a plus sign, etc.  Kinda like having a toothpaste tube squeeze out toothpaste in different shapes.  Pretty messy toy, too.  Anyway, I couldn't find it.  My mom made me look for it some more.  I thought this was odd because she never asked where *any* of my toys were, much less this one.  And it sure was odd that I couldn't find this one toy that she requested for me to find...  And just as odd she had a wicked gleam in her eye as she saw my confusion.  I filed that look away for future processing.  After a lot of confusion on my part, I admitted to her that I couldn't find it.  I was punished for "losing" this toy with a light spanking and being grounded for the weekend.  Thirty years later I know she deliberately threw the toy away, took pleasure in my scurrying around to find it, and enjoyed punishing me for the "loss" that she caused.  Gotta maintain discipline with the kids, no matter what.  That's my mom.       bitch.  
   Senior year me and Timmy are driving out in PA, in real bumblefuck roads. Thats where we like it. As we speed by a construction bouy in a ditch I think how I'd like to steal it. Before I know it Timmy stops and backs up to it. We just look at each other.   When we lift it over the trunk it seems to double in size, so we jam it into the back seat. Cops keep driving by us ont he highway, at the WaWa we throw our jackets over it. Timmy makes an observation "Now it looks like a giant bright glowing orange construction bouy with two jackets sitting on it"   Raji won't take the damn thing, Chris is hitting on Cronins "girlfriend". To us shes Cepholopod, ugliest female enitity on earth, and dumb too. Cronin is her perfect match, and once had sex with a fish pump. Atleast once.  We finally unload the damn thing at some freshman punk rocker's house. stick it int he corner and take off.  Later we find out swarms of insects flew/crawled out of the bouy and infested his house. Today Cronin is up on charges of breaking and entering, and selling stolen guns. I know theres a message here.         
  I was vacationing in Cape Hatteras, NC when I noticed this billboard for a local restaurant named Dirty Dicks. It's logo was "I got my crabs from dirty dicks." Now that's quality marketing!  
  Do you mind, do you mind, idle chatter. We fill spaces, we fill voids, we make and event horizon of conversation, ever teetering on the edge of oblivion, do you mind do you mind if I were to do this, and I could let a finger touch you on the knee, do you mind if we talk about something else. Something else? Yes, the anti nowhere league I find boring. So boring. We are effete simply because we court death. Never seriously. You are sleeping in a room, with the man I just got arrested with, he tells me of your nipples and I love you for you bright eyes, your talent, your voice, the way I remember you only months, a year, two years ago, all ribbons and a-ha and drawing pictures of eyes, faces, everywhere. You influenced me. You did. I see you now, all teeth, scarred and burnt and vacant eyes, and that living out of boxes with these men has done to you. These men of hapless ideas, pointless criminology. Where are we. Do you mind, do you mind if we talk, hours on the phone, you tell me how you lost your virginity, I pretend to be interested, not crying, not nearly nearly crying. Okay, you. Remember that time, stoned in my place, I tried to kiss you, soft, dark skin, eyes like pools of tar, too dark to fathom. Do you remember. No.   
  I once mastered the bait into a dollar bill, wiped it off, and wrote 'I jizzed here' on one side.  I always have wondered who picked it up after I left it on the local mall floor.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a friend named Jeff Milk that likes to have sex with overweight older women.Like 10-15 years older then himself...meets them mostly at work or on this personals site he goes to.  I told him it's quality and not quantity that matters.  He replied in a way that only he can "Bro I gotta get my dick wet."  I couldn't argue with that logic.  
  It's late, and I can feel that it's started to rain.  I don't remember at what point I stumbled outside in my drunken haze.  I must be under the porch since the rain is only on my face.  I lie there a moment longer, in that instant between sleep and conciousness.  Then I realize that I'm in my bed and my brother is standing over me.  I yell and throw something.  He finishes his piss in the hallway corner, then passes out somewhere in the house.  I just rolled to the dry part of the bed.  
  sometimes when i wake up in the morning i spend at least an hour sitting there, thinking about the sexual dream i had. and i realize there's a mean jizz stain on me underwear. i wonder why it is that a figment of my imagination can get me off so well when a real person is not able to do so.  
  So I'm at this party with a girl I just started seeing (second date, this one).  After a few Pabst Blue Ribbons its time to adjourn to the basement for a stunningly absurd set by my friends band.  They don't practice, have two guys playing drum machines as fast as they can, a bassist playing as fast as he can to the drum beats, and my friend screaming incoherently for roughly 15 seconds per song.  During 'I like puppies' he throws his cape and shoes at my date.  Next song he gives me a bloody lip with the microphone.  I kic him in the balls as hard as I can.    Boy didn't even flinch.  That's either hardcore or scary, I'm not sure which.  
  I can zip down a 300 foot long 'shoe lace' of a rope on little more than a coat hanger, and not bat an eyelid. I have made climbs unprotecteed that would make the stoutest mountaineer cringe with fright.   Put me in a room with 1 beautiful woman, and I panic as if the gates of hell are opening before me, and Satan himself were coming for me.   Am I pathetic, or what?  
  I usually just click away at random websites, reading random forums and flaming whoever. I always have comedy central on, I usually pay attention to shows like the today show and SNL and stand ups. I dont pay attention to infomercials.  It just said "We are going to CRYOGENICALLY FREEZE A TURKEY AND COOK IT TO PERFECTION RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU"   Im going to go get my popcorn   
  During the late middle ages, the Black Death hit.  1 in 3 people were killed. So just think, if you were the Black Death, u could wipe one of the next three people who have posted here off the face of the earth.          
       I happened to be strolling through the woods looking for my meth crazed, manically depressed brother in law. A great relief came over me as I looked and looked, finding no body.       As I hiked back to my car to leave I discovered a hidious site. A wolf's decapitated head sitting next to a gutted carcass.     Funny thing...we don't have wolves where I live.   
  Another one of the weird neighbors is moving. The movers have packed up a bunch of boxes and left them sitting on the lawn, ready to load into the truck, while they go to lunch. Big enormous dump into a plastic bag. Seal up the bag, poke a few small holes in it to let things ooze around later, pack bag up in cardboard box, put in amidst other boxes on lawn.  Ah, my work here is done.  
  i'm a 29 year old guy  i just took a shower and when i was drying off, i noticed that my ball sack hung lower than my dick  talk about low something  i'm not sure if it's because i have a small dick or because i'm getting old  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I sometimes wonder if some gals approach me because they can read my mind and know that I'm wondering what it would be like to lick them all over.  Or maybe my tongue gives me away and I just don't realize it.          
  This entry dedicated to the girl who decided to set DDR to Difficult at the arcade last week.  Ladies, please, when you go to play Dance Dance Revolution, don't wear those extra-baggy cammy cargo pants and no underwear.   Otherwise your pants will end up around your ankles, you will fall over, the steel-toes-wearing guy playing 2nd player will step on your tit, and you will flash your pussy at a crowd of mostly teenage guys.   Of course, if the prospect turns you on, email me to let me know where and when you play.  
  Ilbeyrjoeyramone [3:34 PM]:  yeah. that was the day i told joel that he needed to close his legs and give me more leg room. i regret saying that. because he started going on and on about how guys have more stuff in that area, and more circulation and space is needed. so i slammed my knee into his and got my own legroom.   
  I think I've broken the Brow. I've had the very same moment come up three times in a row.  Either I broke it or it's the apocalypse, and I'd almost rather it were the latter.   
  In the darkness just before dawn, I moved her garbage cans back into her garage area. The truck came, picked up everyone's but hers, and was gone. She came wailing out of the house in her ragged sweats.  If morning TV sucks, you gotta make your own entertainment.  
  I was 12 and she was 13.  I spent the night at her house and we stayed up till 4 am drinking Jolt Cola, eating Twinkies, watching Rocky Horror and holding hands.  Around midnight she turned to me and said, "I really like you, and I think I'm a lesbian".  She proceeded to kiss me lightly on the mouth.  Damn, if I had known back then what the word 'lesbian' meant, I could have started my long and illustrious bisexual career a couple of years earlier than I did.  Damn.  
  At the end of our street when I was young was the field. I went one day with a box and filled it with snails. Maybe 100 to have as pets. I brought them home, let them loose in my yard and my father destroyed them all with snarol. Very tramatic.   
  My gorl agreed to let me make a video of us doing it.  After much preparation (showers, straightening up the room a  bit, setting up thelighting, camera angles, etc) I shot my load before even entering her. Premature ejaculator  documented on tape for all eternity  she took the tape when she moved out  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He comes up to me at the bar and sits next to me.   "You know," he says to me, "it takes like a hundred muscles to frown, but only 1 to smile." "Really?" I say as I look into his eyes. He nods. "Well, how many muscles does it take to do this?"  I give him the finger.        
  I was a this party during early college years, and me and another guy decided we wanted to redo the wandering story about house thieves shoving toothbrushes up the ass, taking photos and leaving an empty house and a camera.  Of course we didn't do the stealing part of the story, but we did mess around with toothbrushes, not only in the ass area but also in other discusting areas...the only thing is that we discovered later, that there was no film in the camera, so i guess the owner never really found out...  damn, makes me sick thinking about this again..  
   Les Bleedin' Froggies, Again  Reading an article on changing European attitudes about defense spending.  Just where the fuck is he going to dig a LowBrow moment out of that?  The article mentions the more martial French and British, and some other countries who "flee from power, whom the French call 'Les Woodstockians'" Trust me -- I can find a LowBrow moment in anything...  
  When I was a drunk, my favorite thing to do was out-drink everyone at the party.  The downside to that...I was always the guy who passed out and pissed himself.  
  im a big guy, and usualy cant find the trendy fashions that everyone wears these days in my size.   with the money i save by shopping at the thrift stores i buy guns and booze.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There are days that you can actually be happy to be alive.  And on those days you can make a woman cum 9 times.        
  So at work the other day... my one co-worker doesn't get along with this druggie chick that works with us now. They got in an agrument and he yelled "Why don't you just go home and do some crack!?!" And then she yelled "I don't do crack! I snort coke, there's a difference!"  She's a good girl.   
  i was browsing the poster rack of the local indy record store when i came across an N*SYNC poster where they're all marionettes and i thought  "oh, how appropriate...."  
  thats it  im sweating and adrenaline is raging in me im whiteknuckedly holding the bolo knife waiting for the two of them to come out of the bathroom they turn the corner i see their faces and begin hacking and chopping until i am exhausted a part of me says you idiot those two have been your friends for fifteen years then the oh yeah im dreaming nice dream im not sleeping anymore cos thats what happens when im not driving that wrinkled grey marshmallow in my head        
  i faced the shelves behind the bar as she went off about how her boyfriend is a jackass and doesnt understand what emotionally security is blahblahblah waiting for the tender to save me i stared at the shelves i guess i couldnt hide my boredom she said are you listening im sorry i was distracted says i by what she demands in a voice berating me for my insensitivity that bottle of makersmark do you hear it its calling my name shhh listen hear it it was after she left in a huff i mean really like i dont have enough to deal with without her memememememe bs i spoke to that reddipped bottle for a good long time best conversation of the night cheers  
  my first visit with my redneck cousins ---  i was raised in washington dc, but my mom's family all live in the vicinity of sanford, n.c.  when i was 13, we went to visit them. it was like another world, albeit a boring world full of shitty houses and pine trees.  my cousin levi and i got along quite well (it seemed) until he took me for a ride on his dirt bike, out into the pines, at sunset.   he left me five miles from the nearest house, laughing as he rode off. it took me all night to find my way to a phone to call for my panicked parents.  well, i just heard that levi (now 24) is in jail in myrtle beach, south carolina, for trafficking cocaine.  hope you get butt raped, you stupid hick.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was going out with some friends, and while they were sipping beer in the kitchen, I slipped nto the bathroom. I was combing my hair, trying to look as sexy as hell, in order to get lucky that night.  Suddenly, I had to fart. Well, better here then in the kitchen, I thought, so I let one off.  The horror!!! Shit running down my legs in my brand new baggy trousers! And all my friends in the next room!! I didn't feel it coming, but I had shit in my trousers. Liquid shit! I quickly undressed, took a shower, and found a pair of trousers belonging to my sister.  I pulled my shit together (literally and figure of speech) and walked into the kitchen. There I was, holding a pair of trousers covered in diahrea, wearing my sisters trousers (I'm a guy) red-faced, and ashamed as hell. Jaws dropped, and things even got worse when my sister entered the kitchen. Eventually, my sister ended up washing my trousers, I drove my friends to the party, where I couldn't score any girl, because every time I got into a conversation with one, my friends interviened, telling her: "D'you know what happened just two hours ago?"  I hate my friends.  
  UMCPong's 3 laws of hummers  1. Turnabout is fair play: Anyone who wants to receive oral sex should give oral sex.  *Corollary: If you don't swallow, neither should they. Therefore, girls never HAVE to swallow. (but we love it when you do, ladies)  2. Karma: Anyone who wants to receive oral sex *WELL* should learn to give oral sex well.  *Corollary: This is why I got my tongue peirced. The best $50 I ever spent.  3. The pleasure you'll get from receiving it is directly proportional to the pleasure your partner gets giving it to you.  *Corollary: Shave your nads, dumbass. Noone wants to pick your pubes out of their teeth. (This applies to girls and guys, but guys shouldn't shave their crotch unless they're gay.)    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Never eat a meal after eating 1/8 of mushrooms.  I did.  A few hours later, I had to piss.  Urination causes your dugestion to start up.  Standing my my best friend's bathroom, pissing, I vomit as I pass out, falling on the floor.  I awoke a few swconds later, not knowing where I was, thinking my mind had been thrust into an alternate reality of my own home.  I look at the sink, "Choice toothpaste?  Shouldn't it say Crest!?  Where the hell am I?  Who is that yelling the someone puked, out the door?"  I come to my senses.  Realize I just puked all over my best friend's bathroom floor, and it STUNK!  I cleaned it spotless in 20 min.  Then sat down and sulked for a few hours.  And I still smelled like puked up chili...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've posted a dozen or so lowbrow moments before but I just realized I never posted probably THE most lowbrow thing about me.  That the most traumatic event in life to date has been that my internet community was destroyed by a paranoid, slightly psychotic transexual who we call Dave even though his/her real birth name is Ben.  
  Man, sometimes I wonder how it is I got into college.   Before first period my senior year one day, my friend Bo asked me if I wanted any acid. Laughing at what I thought was a joke, I said, "Sure!" and followed him into the bathroom.  He wasn't kidding when he told me to stick out my tongue. Man, I sure didn't learn anything that day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it takes exactly 1 hour in the freezer of my fridge to make sure that my beer is ice cold and drinkably delicious....it took me two years of exploding bottles and drinking piss warm beer to discover this.  7 minutes left and counting.  
  I read erotic stories featuring the members of *nsync.    All of them.  At once.  
  i life in a co-ed dorm with another girl. i walked in on her the other night going down on her girlfriend and doing other *things*. when i told the guys next door i had been sex-iled, they asked me who the guy was with my roommate. i had a hard time explaining that she was gay and, in fact, it was a girl who was in there with her. i had a harder time explaining to them why i, a bisexual myself, hadnt joined in on the carpet munching. i had the hardest time trying to figure out for myself why i hadnt joined in.  theory:life immitates art.  corollary:porn is art.  conclusion:life immitates porn, but only at college.  
  I have this desire for a long, long time.  As long as I can remember, I have wanted to smear myself in petroleum jelly and wrap myself in plastic wrap.  Where does that fall in the whole fetish spectrum?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yesterday I discovered a scotch I don't like. First time.   Don't drink from the Islay...  (A wandering sommelier's assessment of it was that it had tones of hospital wards and rotten fish on the nose.)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walk into the bar.  I sit down.  An acquaintance of mine sits next to me.  "Want to smoke some pot?" he asks.  "No thanks." is my reply.  A half hour later I'm playing pool in the back.  A guy I've never met is bullshitting with his friends.  Someone hands him an 1/8 of shrooms.  "Want some?" he asks.  "No thanks." I said.  Another half hour goes buy.  A friend comes up to me and asks if I want to do a few lines of coke with him. "No thanks." Is my reply.  After a few weeks of this I realize I AM A FUCKING IDIOT!  Now when someone asks I just say I'm not comfortable doing drugs in front of people and pocket it.  I'm saving it up for when I decide to start a drug habit.       
  Let's face it, the word "vomit" is very sophisticated. It makes barfing an art form.  
  I took a 10 day trip off continent, and upon returning home I set about to complete the most necessary task at hand, (no pun intended) autoerotic satisfaction. 15 minutes of highspeed p2p downloading and I had 103Mb of high quality pr0n.  I shot in 30 seconds, with such force that I busted through the tissue. It was 3-ply!  I went 3 more times that night alone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was walking my dog the other day when an out-of-state-student-in-my-daddy's-SUV blasted around the corner, nearly hitting me and the pooch.    He parked on the street, sat for a moment savoring the last seconds of his ear-piercing, god-awful, limp bisquick song, then threw his cigarette butt on the ground with a smug you-know-you-want-me look as he walked to his apartment.  This is lowbrow, so I don't have to tell you what I did with the bag full of dog shit I was carrying.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For hours of enjoyment my friend and i used to take nutty putty shape it into a cube and throw it into his ceiling fan on high.  While doing this we would have the tape recorder sitting in the middle of the room recording on EP.  So after about 15 min of this we would play it back at normal speed this way we'd sound like chipmunks.  Ah those were the days.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quick update if you are on you computer for eleven hours  the machine does own your ass just an fyi to shut the fucker off once and a while mostly to myself        
  Mardel: Christian Office Supply Store Need I say more?  
  "Don't you wanna know Jesus?" she whined at me.  "What, like in the biblical sense?"  Flustered, she turned on her heel and stomped away.  I laughed 'til I cried. I just love living in the Bible Belt.  
  so when i gotta piss, i always head for the 3rd stall in. It makes a weird humming noise, but its a few steps into the bathroom, not a desperate first stall, and I'm too lazy to go to the fourth one in. But.... when I have to puke, I make a beeline. Bathroom door to handicap stall.  
  if you time it right you can take ten dollars, hit happy hour at three or four bars, and come home with a stomach so full you'd swear it's thanksgiving  
  King Mullet!  That is what we call one of our customers. He is about 5'3" with a mullet that is spiked about 3' high and runs down to his waist!  It was pretty impressive...but the most remarkable thing about it was the gaggle of kids he had. All 5 of his kids have the Exact same Mullet!!  Recently though every time we have seen him he has come in with his gagle of kids, but one less of them will have a mullet. We figure it must be some mark of shame in his familly and they have been punishing the kids by cutting their mullets.  
  Low brow moment?  Is when you are so sick with some kind of stomache flu/salmonella/something or other while on a roadtrip with your then boyfriend that you make him pull over on a deserted highway in the middle of New Mexico so you can go diarreah in the weeds on the side of the road, clutching a roll of toilet paper in one hand, steadying yourself on the downhill slope with the other hand.  In the dark.  Hearing the crickets and other assorted bugs in the night time air.  Ducking down as the headlights of a lone truck approach.  Watching through the weeds as your boyfriend, lit by the passing truck's headlights, makes an annoyed face and lights up a smoke to make it through this pain in the ass situation.    And the nearest restroom (meaning, town) isn't for another 30 miles.   It's going to be a long night.   
  If God wanted us to be around water he would have left on the gills.  
  I was twelve , or so, and visiting my aunt Cindy. She lived in a "transitional' neighborhood. (That is just a fancy way of saying Oakieville.) Anyway, my three year old cousin and I were sitting on the sofa watching television when there was a knock at the door. Stephanie, my cousin, opened the front door. There was a man standing there with a crazed grin on his face and he was holding the axe from the front yard wood pile. Stephanie was unimpressed. "What?" she asked him. I bolted from the sofa and ran through the kitchen to the back door. "There's a psycho in the house with an axe!" I screamed to my aunt while I fumbled with the THREE locks on the back door. "What?" She asked. "There's a PSYCHO in the house with an AXE!" I screamed louder, now trying desperately to break down the door by running against it with my 112 LBS. "What are you talking about?" She asked. I started crying and I broke the window with a boot that was on the floor. Just as I started climbing out the window I turned around and saw my aunt, my cousin, and the psycho with an axe standing in the room staring at me dumbfounded. He was the neighbor. His name was Melvin.He thought my aunt would answer the door and find it funny. "Oh shit," Melvin said. "You're gonna pay for that," my aunt told me. They all laughed at me for days, and days, and days.   
  Some mornings my ex would tell me how much she liked being woken up in the middle of the night for sex. I would tell her that I would try it sometime.   I finally figured out that she was not making a request. She was giving me a compliment.  
   The Shortest Date Of All Time  My first date, in other words. We were fifteen, me inept and her plagued with   bright  red hair that lit up the village and threatened to take her over completely. I ride my bike six miles uphill to Balerno, and into the park we'd agreed to meet at. I have no recollection of how she and I could possibly have arranged this -- I was so tongue-tied and inept that I would stutter and twitch when she was around. But here is Brenda Townsend, lying on her back in the grass, sunglasses covering half her face, and her hair so bright it hurts. Me, still on my bike: "Hello Brenda ..." Brenda: "Oh, hello." She lifts her glasses for a second, then puts them back on and stretches luxuriatingly on the grass. She lies there for maybe a minute without saying anything, so I decide she had just been making fun of me, and ride off to play with my friends in the village. A long time later, I was told that Brenda went storming around the village, screaming at my friends that they had stolen her date. We never did manage to stage the rematch.    
  Sitting shotgun is an important position, full of responsibility:  -give directions -set the music -be alert for stuff the driver might not see, like livestock in the road -most importantly, light the bowl for the driver.  It would be irresponsible if the driver tried to light it up himself going 80 mph.  ah yes, teamwork.  
  17/01/02  The sweat from under my tits is really, really rank.   Here, sniff.  
  The most amusing supervisor I ever had was at a huge corporation. She was- in one overly-breasted, spandexed, trailer-trash package- a coke addict who had severe moods swings with a son she only recently stopped breast-feeding because he had to start kindergarten, and she went around telling everyone that she had been the secret mistress of a recently-deceased famous baseball player and that the mafia had a contract out on her because she knew too much about their influence in the sports world. She was well-known not only for that in the company, but for being quite willing to blow almost anyone who asked. Eventually she "retired" to spend some quality time in a local rubber room establishment. The lowbrow part of this? She hired me because she said I was "her kind of people".  
  I was once in charge of a bachelor party. Lacking experience in these matters I took this as an opportunity to conduct an extended and very interactive "roast." He was hog-tied and put into the back of a pick up truck. After unloading him at the beach, we "corn-dogged" him. This is where you strip the guy, throw him in the ocean and roll him in sand. While still "coated," we forced him to put on his new clothing: too tight yellow poly pants, a yellow windbreaker, a yellow swim cap and a duckbill mask. And flippers. We drove him to a very popular nightime shopping area in L.A. where he had to perform a number of tasks before we'd take him home. My favorite was that he had to "quack" a speech for 30 seconds to the gathering crowd. Poor guy. But damn that was funny.  
  Her: Where were we going with this? Me: Nowhere in praticular. Her: Most conversations are like that, aren't they? Me: One would hope. Her: That's what I said when I read a survey saying that 100% of the people who got pregnant in 1975 were women. I mean, I suppose science can do wonders these days, but one would like to think that... well, you get the idea.  I read a lot of interesting statistics. And yet that one sticks out in my mind.  What would have been scarier is if it was 99.9%, because then you'd always wonder about that .1%  I like her.  
  The occult investigators opened the door, and jumped back in surprise at what they saw inside. A decrepit, rotting zombie lurched out at them. "It's a post-mortem apparition!" the elder one cried to the younger. "A what?!?" "A dead guy." replied the first.        
  When i was 8 my sister (who was 6) wanted a horse.  Well, she nagged and whined and cried and begged for a few months before her birthday. I told my parents, "Don't do it, she won't take care of it, just like all the other pets"  Well, we live on a farm, and i think my parents wanted the damn thing anyway, so on her birthday she got a horse.  A fullbred Quarterhorse named "Rosie".  Quarterhorses are big horses. Not the biggest, but to a 6 year old girl, they are fucking HUGE. So guess who was afraid of the horse? And guess who had to take care of it?   Well, after about 4 years, i get fed up with the damn horse, and nobody rode it anyway, so it was basicly wild again.  My dad sold it to our neighbors.  We would drive by on the way to school and wave at Rosie for about 6 months, then one day she wasn't there anymore.  My sister made my dad find out why. Turns out the neighbors didn't like the horse either, so they took it to auction.  Nobody wanted the wild horse, and do you know who buys all the horses nobody wants? The Glue Factory.   Well, my sister was heartbroken. Yelled and screamed and called my dad a murderer and all that. We all know who's fault it was, tho, right? She wanted it, then she wouldn't take care of it.  Next morning she came downstairs to find a bottle of glue at her spot in table with the words "Rosie" written on it with a sharpie.  I got sooooooooooo grounded.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you know you're bored when you are awake at 4:30 am taking still shots of your cats to create a stop-motion kitty porn animation.  whatever, it's gonna win me an oscar!  
  Every morning, it was the same.    The snorting, the groaning, the tossing and turning.  The loud footsteps to the bathroom, the swearing.  The door slam.    "Uhhnnh!"  Pummffpht! Pumpht! PLOP.  "Uhhhhhh.  God."  More swearing.  Loud door-opening.  The protestations of the box spring as he threw himself back onto his bed.  Repeat.  Repeat.   I'm so glad I don't live with that horrid bastard anymore.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it's not sad that every man has his price.  it's sad how low most of them are.  
  My friend told me that everytime I pull off a silent fart I get this wry grin on my face.   I guess my subconcious feels like it accomplished something.  
   When my dad called me a lunatic, all I could think of to say was that the moon was going to be full that night, which was true.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   A 'Brow-Worthy Challenge  Having an English professor as a wife also has advantages. She recently suggested that I clue the 'Brow community in on a word game that the Washington Post sometimes runs.  The idea is to take a word from the dictionary, alter it by adding or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Quick Examples off the top of my head:  Lowbrow -> Low 'n brow : Stories on Lowbrow about people drinking foreign substances (urine, cig butts, gasoline...) out of beer bottles.   Annal Sex : The frequency of sex after marriage.   Aural Sex : The act of telling someone to go stick it in their ear.   Fox Pas : Unattractive, a real dog.   dangleberry : A particularly long piece of dried shit hanging from your butt-hairs.   Knowhow -> KnowHo : Those 'Browers who have actually had sex with LadyFrickingDa (hi, sweetie!)  My wife suspects that, in the freer atmosphere of the 'Brow, submissions will rapidly head south of the most risque ones printed in the Post, like:    IGNORANUS : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.   GLIBIDO : All talk and no action.   ANALIZED : Studied extensively after approaching the problem from the wrong direction.   FOREPLOY  (n.): Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.   Corpus delicti : A necrophiliac's favorite dish.  Here are some more of my favourites from the ones I've seen published. Note that some take poetic license with the rules:   BEELZEBUG  (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.   BOZONE  (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.      CASHTRATION  (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.    CATERPALLOR  (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.   DOPELAR effect  (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.  So, boys and girls,  With tyger's leave, Forget about KY and lubricated cheese, And bibles and whatever for a while, and get creative, in true 'Brow style.  (If that verse doesn't make any sense to you, it probably just means you have a life, and therefore haven't been on the 'brow long eneugh :-)  
  It was about this time last year that my sister-in-law emailed me a chatty little missive, and asked if I were getting a nice outfit to wear to Easter Mass.  I replied "Why? Are the bars closed?" I haven't heard from her since. Strangely, by the way, this approach does not work on spam.   
  I can't seem to get drunk enough. I mean I can drink "fireball" until I find myself projectile vomiting in a grocery store parking lot, but I just don't feel drunk enough....      I need to emerce myself in more Dr. Gonzo, Raoul Dukeish kinds of mind fuckers.   
  "stagnation..." she typed on the brown paper towel, "try explaining that to a girl buying her pants in nordstrom."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you no the pepsi ''blue'' and mountain dew ''code red'' have you ever thought that thats some gang related shit   
  i'm completely making this up but i imagine that when they go to put the flavorings for ramen noodles into their lil bags, it's actually a tube of the plastic and all the flavoring's in there and they cut the bags out, to size. ya know. like ravioli is done. anyways. that's what i imagine. i'm sure it's not true. but you never know.   so. sometimes they cut the bag wrong. sometimes all the seasoning comes out in the main package because the mechanical arm thingy that puts it all together doesn't know the baggy is open. and the seasoning spills. all over. sometimes before it makes it into the main package.   very sad when that happens. plain ramen. *shudder*  ok. the good part of my story. the part a chad wants to see.   i open a package of ramen noodles tonight. and go to take out the block of pasta. and it's caked. with the seasoning. all over. in it. waaaaay in it.   not a speck in the baggy. yet the baggy is in the main wrapper. just sitting there. taunting me. with its emptiness.   but that's ok. because now my work is half done. i don't have to mix the seasoning into the pasta in 3 minutes.   moo hoo ha ha.   
  I love my husband.  I came home from the interview, kind of glad I scored a job but also depressed because it was... well, a job.  He went out and came back after a while with a gift-wrapped box. "For your new job" he said. I opened it, expecting a nice paperweight or some good pens. It was a hipflask, and a huge bottle of vodka.  I love my husband.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It might have cost me over $30, but I spend yesterday afternoon at the local internet cafe, submitting my ex's primary email to every spam/porn/list site I could find. His work email, too. Once in a while I found a good porn one, though, and kept it to myself. Fuck him, let him get his own good porn.  
  So she is flirting like crazy across the table through most of dinner. I ha d just met her and her friend earlier that day.The two of them and a platonic female friend of mine are drinkin and yapping, and I am trying to pretend that I am at least listening to the conversation, but the chick across the table from me has had her bare foot rubbing on my crotch for like an hour as we continue to drink bottle after bottle of wine and she gives me fuck-me eyes across the table. After we are all totally loaded and I have paid the bill, she excuses herself and steps outside. The other two chicks excuse themselves and start chatting up the bartenders and jump behind the bar with them to drink even more. I figure time to go get some of that one who's been rubbin up on me all night. I go outside to find her sitting on the front steps of the restaurant, looking out at the sea. So of course I go over, sit down next to her, and as soon as she turns and faces me, I start to lean in to lock lips with her. She manages to get out the words "I don't  think you want to..." before I have my toungue in her mouth. I realize what the rest of her sentence was going to be, and lean back. "Why?" I ask. "Well" she says, "for one thing, you're sitting in my puke" Man, can I get the ladies! I was drunk enough to get over it quickly and ended up fucking her on top of a garbage can on the beach.  
   Shit!  I look up at him, surprised by his sudden outburst. His face is twisted in disgust as he drops his hero to the tray.  I ve eaten meat every Friday this whole time, and I even screwed up today.   I m confused.  What are you talking about?  I query.   Lent! You re not supposed to eat meat, and here I am munching away on a dead animal on Good Friday... of all days...    Chris, buddy, that s an eggplant parm. You have nothing to worry about.   It s his turn to be confused now.  Isn t eggplant meat?    Chris, it s egg-PLANT.   He pauses for a moment, the realization taking time to set in.  Oh,  he says, and resumes his meal.  
  Just after dark, I walk over to the little old lady to ask her directions. Her little yappity dog growls at me, and before I say anything, the little fucker has sunk his teetch into my the back of my leg. I shake my leg, but the little bugger won't let go and I feel his teeth in my flesh. I give it one more vigorous shake, finally get him loose and goal-kick the little fucker five yards with an arc. The dog is now yelping like there is no tomorrow, the old woman is crying, I am howling as my leg is bleeding and I still can't find the address I am looking for.  I limp off, growling at every other dog I see. They ALL keep a safe distance as if they clearly understand what I am thinking.   
  So my boyfriend and are having sex, and it hurts like crazy. It has been hurting for days now, and I can't seem to figure out why, I mean I wasn't a virgin, and as far as I know my mechanisms are fully functional.   Trying to figure out why it hurts so much, he fingers me asking me if it hurts or not. I say no, because it doesn't. He tells me my cervix(he didn't call it my cervix because he has no sweet clue about the female workings, but it was) feels hard.  Puzzled and slightly confused I shove my own finger up there and search. Something does feel hard, like a little rock or something. I freak out, it felt like it was attached to me. Could it be cancer? I cry. Then, thinking logically, I decide to see if it really is attached. I finger myself once again. No, it's not attached! What the fuck is it!? My fingers aren't long enough to properly retrieve it.   I ask my BF to do the dirty work for me and after some searching and digging he pulls out a small pebble sized object that resembles a sea shell. A sea shell? How the hell? I'm curious as to what it's real identity is. We run to the washroom and flick on the light. It looks like a sea shell. I try and open it up, it opens... shocked and appalled I realize it's true origin. It was the top of the plastic wrapper off my applicator free tampon I had used almost 5 days earlier! DAMN YOU OB! DAMN YOU TO HELL!  
  "Give it a good push, Greg. It'll go right in."  "I don't know. It's a pretty tight fit. Are you sure you've done this before?"  "Of course I have. I dont' go around asking random guys to do this. Just slap some more lube on it and you'll be fine"  "I'm just worried about the damage. What if it's too big?"  "I've seen bigger things fit in there. You'll be fine"  Ah...the lengths people will go to to get things unstuck from the garbage disposal  
  my friend once applied to mcdonalds while working at a theater.   he drew a picture of a hand on the application, flipping the bird.  they hired him anyways. he never showed up.   they kept him on the roster for weeks and weeks after that anyways.  guess they were desperate...   
  Looking down and realizing that because of my morning-manliness, I had pissed through the crack between the seat and the bowl, all over my pants.  
  When I was a kid, I liked people. I thought being with lots of them was just dandy. Social butterfly, I was.   Then I grew up and started working in retail. Customer service, in fact.    You can probably guess my opinion on people has suffered a drastic drop.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used my cell-phone right next to the microwave while nibbling on a lead pencil and spraying disenfectant into the sink.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Excuse: I was young. First real job...it was in customer service...  Me: "Can I have your address?"  Him: "Yes, it's 7600 8th Street, Washington D.C."  Me: "Do they have zip codes in Washington D.C.?"  Him: "No, they just throw all of our mail in a big pile in the middle of the street and we dig through it."  I laugh every time I think of that conversation.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I downloaded a free pop-up blocker. imagine how pissed off i was when i found out a window pops up saying that it just blocked a pop-up.  
  I need a good day filled with assholes so I can project my anger onto the world instead of foucusing my self-loathing inward upon myself.  
  Once I spilled half a bottle of water on my pants, and a friend asked me, "How are you going to explain that away?"  I said, "I'll probably just say that I spilled half a bottle of water on my pants."  
  If you're going to get drunk at a friends place for new years   waking up with your pants around your ankles on the floor  driving 45 minutes to home while possibly having the worst case of alcohol poisoning you've ever had  getting home around noon, greeting your parents, trying to stay balanced   attempting to look completely normal while telling them you were absolutely positively extrememely responsible the night before  Don't be wearing a checkered shirt. The large amount of dried vomit blends right on in, far too well.  
  So I got a virus. A trojan, specifically. I was about to say to a friend "I'm busy removing a fucking trojan." And then the double entendre hit me.  
  I hated flying, which is why I was on the Greyhound bus to Florida.  She sat next to me.  A big woman with stringy black hair.  A real "motorcycle momma" if you know what I mean.  She said: "The whole thing was an accident.  I was only trying to clean out the cash register.  I wasn't planning on shooting anyone.  That cop shoulda never been there."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
     he got so trashed they convinced him he had been screwing around with the dog...  just one more reason i'd rather laugh at the drunks than be one.     
  Throwing Bottle Rockets and Roman Candles out of my window onto a downtown street was, as I predicted, just as much fun as my dad described it to be.  
  the away message read: "ever get just so disgusted with instant messanger that you want to sign off but need to let everyone know of your contempt for this fucking endlessly wasteful program so you instead stay signed on in order to put up an away message that explains how much you hate it at times?"  yeah, that's where i am, and it's a new low.  
  Who the fuck does McDonalds think they are?  They have small fries, large fries, and SuperSize fries.  We all know that large is medium you dumb fucking sons a bitches.  Do you think we're all idiots?  
  Him: bondage pants and plaid, the Misfits and Bouncing Souls, way too good at video games, loves anime, and a submissive.  Me: Doc Martens and fishnet, the Smiths and Bauhaus, writes way too much poetry, reads even more,and with a slight thing for BDSM.  Our song?  "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley.  Appropriate, considering we met at the beach, but still...knowing the both of us, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  
  I took a tin of Altoids out of my purse at a party because there was a man there who I wanted to talk to and didn't want to blow garlic in his face.  Three people asked me if I was doing Ecstacy and he saw the tin and said, in a really lecherous way, "I've heard about what those are good for".  So half my friends think I am a druggie, and this cute man that I now hate thinks I am a blowjob queen.  I hate parties.        
  I was going to lose my virginity the next day, so I went to the convenience store across the street to buy condoms.  I also bought a Coke since I was thirsty.   The clerk looked at my purchases, grinned and said,"Coke and a smile?"   I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in all my life.   One month later she told me she was pregnant.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Hula Girl, Take 2  I just love my dashboard hula girl, even though my wife and stepdaughter caused me to crash my minivan when they dressed her up in winter clothes without telling me. But I notice a distinct difference in the way people react to her. Sure, both sexes automatically think a lot less of me because I have her, but that's one of the reasons I have her -- I like to be inscrutable. Women just laugh, and look at me a little strange. Men also laugh, but then always tilt her back and look up her grass skirt.  It's just a metal spring, you morons!  What do you expect, anatomically-correct Samoan genitalia? Just amazing, the way you can judge people just from their reaction to a little dashboard hula girl...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         His Lowbrow Moment:  "A six hour ride between Seattle and Portland became a nightmare in a mere ten minutes.   "Hi." he said as I sat down next to him.   "You know... you probably have hookworms. I am a representative of The Awareness Corporation, have you ever heard of us?"     At that very moment I was being interviewed by some TV reporter in the airport relating his misery of bad weather, no airplane landings and a long bus ride from Seattle. It was aired that evening on a Portland TV station.  That then became his lowbrow moment and newsworthy all at the same time.  And he came to visit to get away from the cold weather.  The Brow is the Best!  
  I heard that on average you'll eat 5 spiders while sleeping during your lifetime.  Bulemic people eat 10 spiders on average, because they're breath is tainted w/ the smell of vomit, which attracts more spiders.  No, the bulemic one isn't true.  But it would be funny if it were.        
  A drunk driver gets pulled over  A female officer walks up to the car  "Sir please exit the vehicle"  The man steps out of the car  The women says  "Sir you are under arrest for Driving Under the Influence, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you in a court of law"  The drunk man says  "TITS"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you use both hands to jerk off, is that a threesome?  
  My Thai friend's grandmother answered the door in her bra.  Was she trying to be a victoria's secret model??  She didn't look like any Tyra Banks.. more like Thai No-Thanks.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         scratching the good ol' nutsack accidentally smelling my hand a minute later deducing that it has been two days and about eight sexings since my last shower damn, good weekend  
  an unnamed pro wakeboard team was staying at my house in wisconsin a couple of summers ago, and were nice enough to take us out behing thier boat.  appearently, there are no boating laws in california, as there are in wi, so we got pulled over right quick. cop: "where you from?" don: "oceanside, california." cop: "..........." cop: "ummmm.... how do you spell ocean?" these are the people who "protect" me from drunk fisherman and jet-skiiers.  
  I take my revenge out on the bathroom's that only use single ply toilet paper, I make a point to use at least "twice" as much if not more.   Hey I need to feel clean.  
  Yesterday I was in a hurry to leave my house and go to a baby shower of all things.  I couldnt find any clean underwear and had to sniff the underwear on my bedroom floor to see if it was clean.  As if that isnt lowbrow enough.  My twat had an itch and I went to rub it out and it turned me on so much I had to stop and masterbate.   
  Remember that show about summer camp, Salute Your Shorts? On one episode, the gang goes on a trip and stops at a gas station bathroom. Donkeylips emerges from the bathroom and says:"Hey guys, you can buy balloons in here!" When I was finally old enough to get the joke I laughed till I cried.  Also my sister tells me that the tampon machine in the girls bathroom has this graffiti:HOORAY! FREE CIGARS!  
  i have partially clothed pictures of myself that i took for my boyfriend's birthday.  i look at them whenever i want to feel better about myself, because i think i look pretty hot in those pictures.  
        I once squirted elmer's glue into the car door locks of like 20 cars on my block.  The damage done was staggering but never was I caught.  
  I once awoke from sleep with a start caused by a very loud noise.  I wondered what the sound was, and looked to see if any shelves had fallen or if my ceiling was still in tact.  Then I smelled it.  I had awakened myself with my own gasious emition.   I took a wiff of the pungent odor and layed back down with a smile.   
  Just saw a post about "penis wrinkle" being an interesting insult.  I prefer "anal friction blister".  
  when i heard her boyfriend was looking for her i knew something was wrong....i got happy cuz i had been hoping for them to break up for a long time..she kept staying with the douchebag...it's ok i was having sex with her for months, but i was getting hooked on her...later that day i finally get thru to her cell phone and she says they had a fight. but after the fight she was hanging with some other people goofing off...bla bla...she falls and injures herself.. she has a wicked shiner....i'm not believing it cuz it just seems too coincidental that they have a fight and she falls so awkwardly as to hit her eye on the ground...typing it now i wonder how i didn't laugh in her face and yell that she deserved it..especially now that she is lying for his bitchslapping ass...days later though she is swearing to me that she really fell and i could go ahead and ask someone who witnessed...of course he wasn't sworn to secercy.....what bothers me is that after months of great loving and tenderness i get lied to...she thinks i believe that cock and bull yarn...but  O.J. gets to still have her...why won't she leave him for me....makes me almost wanna smack a bitch up....maybe that's the only language they do understand...the ultimate expression of love ---almost....i'm still trying to forget her and move on and leave her to her own nightmares, but i can't forget the sounds she made during our lovemaking and the wonderfully groomed love patch that was so sweet diabetics should be forewarned...why oh why am i still fiending????? what a sucka i be.....the worst part is i passed up some great opportunities to get laid int he last months to stay true to her...yikes         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The test of true love:  If you think you're in love with someone, vividly imagine them on the can taking a big smelly crap.  If you still feel the same about them after that, it's probably love.  
  Okay I went out got really drunk, met a 2 great guys and ended up going home with one for a night of mind blowing sex.  I mean great sex and I did things farther "south" then I ever thought  I would or could do.  A couple of days later the other guy calls and asks to go out.  I'm not totally stupid.  I know chances are he knows I shagged his friend.  Still I agreed to go out with him.  Wow...I'm a slut who knew.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Do you come here often?", I asked the girl at the bar, hoping that this classic line would yield a result.  "Are you serious?", was her reply.  I spent a while trying to persuade her that I was genuinely interested, but she left.  Must try harder.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I first moved to town, I tried out all the bars, even the one that everyone spoke about with a horrified look.  It usually had cardboard over the front window, because somebody had been thrown through it.  I played pool once with a large, muscular, much-tatooed pool shark:  She: "Hi, I'm Cess"  Me: "Cess: pool shark"  She: "Hunh?"  No way can you be a successful pool shark if your chump is way too terrified to win...  
  From a certain vantage point, you could see the light shine right through Claire Dane's dress as she accepted her ShoWest award.  Among the interested males jockeying for position was her agent. I let him stand in front of me.  "Beautiful, baby," he whispered fervently, as she thanked her parents six time in a row. "You're doing beautiful. Just beautiful."       
  Quote:  Don't put the dolphin in your pants. That would be too fuckin' weird.  Unquote.   
  Owwwwww...  my labia.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm lying on my stomach, pants partially down, in a hospital bed.  A group of med. students and one doctor are hovering over me, commenting on the huge abcess that's grown right on my buttcrack.    I hear:  "Notice its unusually large size.."  "Oh, interesting..."  "Most unusual..."  In a drowzy, morphine induced state, I decide that they're done leering at my ass, so I start to roll over... forgetting that my pants are still pulled down.  It took me a minute to figure out why they all scattered like that.  
  he said bud is fishin beers ya know they roll around in the bottom of the boat and get warm and dented up but no matter what temp they are or how fucked up they get they taste exactly the same one can to the next silence then he said now labatts thats hockey beers   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To the guy who pulls his shirt up to his neck when he pees:  I do that too man  
   I love VW Bugs.  The old ones, not the new ones.  I mean, I don't have anything against the new ones and planned on owning one before I realized that I'd look very gay driving one, but they're just not as easy to clean.  With the old ones, just roll down the windows, pick it up by its bumper, turn it sideways, and give it a good shake.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I smashed Viv the Vulva-mobile. I hung up my Clitgirl garb. I devoted myself to living a non-dramatic life. I switched to tea. I refused to date. I started eating Total for breakfast, instead of the ubiquitous coke-ana-smoke. I moved, cultivated a sense of humor, played endless games of "Princess" with my 4 year old, tolerantly smiled when my teenager played Britney Spears yet quietly praised the likes of Pink and Avril Levigne, and listened while the couple downstairs screamed at each other until their children cried.   It's worth the lack of drama, I've decided. Anytime I start feeling otherwise, I just listen to them fighting below me and think, THIS is what your neighbours put up with for over 3 years. She sounds like a shrieking harpy, and so, I guess, did I.  The dick and the harpy. Oh yeah. I remember that.   Perfect couple.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We're going to buy malt liquor to prepare for the Miss America Pageant.  
  One day I went over to my friend Shawn Donahue`s house. I was hoping to indulge in some Class D substances. But when I got there I found flames licking out of the front windows of the house. Shawn had been blazed, started to make an omelette, then had decided to knock back some vodka and codeine. Needless to say he passed out and the flames had gone up quickly. Not knowing this I knocked the side door down, yelling out his name. The back of the house was still relatively untouched. I ran ahead to the kitchen door, the knob was burning to touch. I kicked the door open and brought my hands up to protect my eyes from the wave of heat that immediately pulsated from the door. As I brought my hands down I could see beyond the wall of fire Shawn`s skin in a messy pile in the middle of the room. He had shed it like a snake. @From the corner of the room I could hear an evil cackling, and there he was; muscles quivering, blood flowing, organs pumping and contorting behind his ribcage. This had been a long time coming. I`d known for a while that a strange demon inhabited Shawn, and now it had finally come forth. It darted past me out to the front lawn and I chased after it as the fire spread behind me into the remaining rooms of the house. Ahead of me Shawn leaped onto the top of my car and from there to the neighbors lawn where their dog was playing - he pounced on the dog, gripping it between his tightly clenched fists and violently flung his head down to the dogs stomach, sharp teeth ripping the flesh of the hapless animal. I sprinted up behind this freakish Shawn creature and drawing a pistol from my pocket I held the gun up behind the creature and fired several times into its back, emptying the revolver. Staggering in pain it twisted towards me, claws raised to slash, but before it could attack I delivered a terrific punch to its face, knocking it back down to the ground. It didn`t get back up. I love my friends, but they sometimes go too far. Shawn had clearly renounced his human citizenship. I blame it on the drugs. A cigar don`t care who smokes it.  
  I hate going out before I shave and shower. I just feel all greasy, and the stubble drives me nuts. However, if I'm forced to do it for a couple of days, it starts to feel OK. A few more days, and I get totally comfortable with it. Hey, it saves time! I stupidly contracted to deliver a computer network to my landlord, when I knew not a damn thing about networks, but assumed it would be trivial. As Felix Unger ("Odd Couple" - catch it on dusty reruns) once said: "When you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME!" Even worse - I signed a fixed-price contract.  So, 16-20 hour workdays, up to my frantic balls in default gateways and subnet masks*. I take a break and hit up the only place open that early, the local bakeshop. I'm standing in line and the guy behind taps me on the shoulder: "Hey! [Limbo]! Did you get that job?" I turn around. He takes one look: "Oh, I guess not ..."  ----------------  * For anyone in the same situation, I have two words for you: "Mark Minasi". Do an Amazon search for his books, and you can quickly dig your way out of an enormous pile of shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to the beach w/ a couple friends.... it just happened to be that time of the month. But the beach had no bathrooms around cause it was like back in the woods  so my friend and I decided to take a walk. I ended up discarding it(the used tampon) in between 2 dunes covered in bushes.  Luckily no one decided to walk by...   
  One guy I went down on had a really crooked dick.  It was bent almost at a ninety degree angle!  What did he do to it, break it?  I had to do this weird dance thing with my head while giving him the blowjob. Someday I will go down on a guy with a straight dick.  
  I was at a very important meeting and had a very dry mouth caused by nervousness. While answering a question, a large, very noticable bit of spittle flew from my mouth and lit on the table in front of me. Everyone at the table looked at it but said nothing.        
  When I'm on my rag and I have to pee really bad, I think it's okay to pee alittle in my pants because I wear the extra absorbancy kind of pads.  
  The boyfriend's car has seat warmers.   The first time he put them on without me noticing, I felt this warmth spread on my ass and some of my crotch.  For a moment I thought I pissed my pants without noticing.  
  I went to the Coast of Oregon for a weeks vacation. To get away from it all..you know the deal. When I got home he told me he had invited some other people to move in while I was gone, and I had 2 weeks to move out. I had to drop out of school( I would have graduated last year), and use up my entire savings on a depsoit for a new place.   While I was moving out, I stuck his tooth brush in my asshole, not just a little bit, I shoved it in there(it was very uncomfortable but worth it) and I pissed all over his pillow. After I pised on his pillow, I put it in the dryer so it wouldn't be wet.  I saw him yesterday, all I could do was envision him with my butt hair and poo particles wedged in his teeth, while sleeping on that wonderful, yellow, pee stained pilow.   I laughed for minutes on end, and said to myself..TODAY YOU ARE A GOD!  
  my grandmother refuses to drink water, she says, because "fish fuck in it".  she drinks jack daniels instead...  
  Going to a party tonight. Don't really like any of the people there, but it's free food, free alcohol, and I forgot to buy toilet paper this week, so I can take a good dump while I'm there too. Might even take two.  The depths to which my social life has sunk.   
  Me, upon discovering that my contortionist-level flexibility is abnormal: "I'm a freak of nature."  My mother: "Don't say that. You're not a freak. You're..."  Long pause  "...special."  Ouch.  
  Does anyone else spend quality time in Home Depot caressing the axes and watching people's reactions?  
  One of them threw the old, chipped up bowling ball as hard as he could. It sailed up into the sky high above the steep, busy road that eventually deadends onto  Superior Street in Duluth, some 3/4 of mile down.  The ball hung in eternity, slanted earthwards and hit the pavement with a slap that we would continue to hear, distantly, on each bounce back up into the air. As it did so, the science of velocity took on new dimensions: Each bounce produced higher and longer arcs and intensivied speed.   Jesus, as one of the onlookers, exclaimed, I am sure glad no-one is on the road tonight.  The attempt to launch an old bowling ball down the hill with the goal of plopping it into Lake Superior was thwarted by an ancient Volkswagen Bug.   As we watched the horrifying scenario begin we unconciously drew our arms and legs into our bodies...the kind of thing people do when they witness a tradgedy.  The bug's human contents pulled up to the stop sign and, thinking an empty late night street, made a mousy attempt to verify any traffic. But he only looked left, down the hill.  Look right. Look right...some one whispered. Throat constricted.  As he pulled slowly out, the bomb made it's last fateful bounce. We could'nt hear it. Somehow we knew bug contents did.   As we sprinted away like track stars, we were never really sure of the fate of the bug and the ball.  _______________   Many weeks later, it was two of our guilty party that noticed an old, rusted yellow VW Bug, creeping up to a stop sign. The passenger door had a perfect circular dent, dead in the center of the metal.   A perfect shot, one of them said.  As they walked away snickering, the bug sat at the stop sign for a very long time...somehow hesitant to move into traffic.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         No matter where I go, if I am walking, I get honked at at least once.  Without fail.  I'm not ugly, but I'm not traffic stopping gorgeous either.  People honk at me when I'm wearing a sweatshirt down to my knees, when I'm walking with a bunch of my little cousins, whenever.  Its sort of flattering, but pretty annoying. Especially when its creepy old men.     When these type honk at me or offer me a ride, I always like to spit some nasty spit really loud and hard and far.  They usually leave me alone then.   
  I walked into a chinese restaurant the other day and ordered chicken stirfry. I called the waiter over and told him that the chiclen was rubbery. All he said was "Thank you velly much"    
  so he says hes gonna submit you read it as his moment catching everyone off guard and getting his moment read by all who randomly pulled it up i thought id write to tyger and tell him to avoid posting it but then i figured the joke is pretty brow worthy        
  When I came to this company, I took the last empty cubicle.  Now I'm the last worker in the cube farm.  And I leave in 2 weeks.  
  A delectable quote from IRC that will haunt him for the rest of his life:    OMFG, nasty, i just reached over for a pepsi and grabbed my dads penis!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I fear that I will die unexpectedly, then when my family is cleaning out my room, they will find all the porn mags I have stashed under the matress, and in the closet, adn think "Man, he was a real fucking pervert, and we never knew it..."  Yet, I never move them...  
  Patiently, she waits. She looked serene standing there, anticipating what you had to say. You remained quiet, thinking about the question she asked. You had to get this right. You cannot afford to make a mistake. Then, she asks again, "What's it going to be, Erik?" You start to fidget. You always fidget when you get pressured. Finally, you mumbled, "Give me a short single mocha half and half."   
  For years, I was annoyed by some of my elderly aunts who used to approach me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next!" It annoyed me to no end. I solved the problem when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.  
  Halloween 2002  I am going as a priest.  With a copy of Boy's Life magazine inside the Bible.  My name will be Father Inn.  Jenn, being quite demure, will be going as a young boy.  Fortunately, we are already going to hell for other doings.  
  There is nothing like having a zen awakening  buck naked with some guy in a Starbuck's restroom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't keep up with the utility company names anymore. Seems like every time I receive a bill, the name has changed. I just write a check and send it off, hoping that my gas/electricity service will continue.  
  i heard the mailbox door close and spun around to see a disabled man standing at the box the person next to him started berating him for throwing trash in the mailbox dont you know thats a crime you should have more sense i cant believe you did that we arent going to the store twentyfour again since this is how you act the mailbox looked kinda like a garbage can that was next to it the woman went on shrieking at him making comments that could not have been good for his self esteem and could not be construed as educational she was flailing and yelling and then god reached down and flicked her off the curb  it was actually icy and she slipped but  she hit the sidewalk and was in obvious pain she didnt get up right away the man looked at me and bolted looking both ways tearing across the street and heading for quebec for all i know i kept thinking run run man and dont stop run and hide from that horrible bitch        
  I've noticed a disturbing trend. Seems everytime I have a conflict with someone of importance to me I've either left the contry for extended periods of time(4-5 months) or picked up and moved 4 or 5 hours away. I don't think this is very heathy.  
  as i look over all these love letters from my ex-girlfriend (who stomped on my heart like it was a packet of ketchup), i find one in which she tells me she will be mine forever. i can't help but wonder if that's legally binding.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bedroom boredom killer # 12  pick-up line:  *pouty eyes* "B-b-but it's nummy in the tummy!"  yeah, someone told me he used this one once.  He didn't say it didn't work.  
  "Spice World" is the only movie I've ever seen that I liked so much I rewound it as soon as it was over and watched it again.    
  i work with a lot of cash daily and i can't help but take about 20 minutes of each hour writing www.lowbrow.com on as many bills as i can   thus proving that even without a computer, lowbrow is making me 33% less efficient   
  My old boss in a boiler room type operation (we sold diet and premature ejaculation pills) had to leave work in a big fucking hurry one day. She had lent her car to a friend so he could drive to a job interview.  She got a call from the Compton police impound.  He had been arrested trying to buy crack.  She came back saying furiously "I was trying to help out a friend. He said he was going to a job interview." Later a coworker on too many diet pills took a dive face first into the copy machine.  Good times.  
  "My name is Montenegro, and I have the belly of Buddha!"        
  Solicitors  The other day when I was in a bookstore, a guy came up to me and asked if I wanted a free spray of cologne. He even offered a 10% discount. As you all probally know, you aren't supposed to sell items in another store.   Well my friend, the two girls we were with, and I left to go and get something to eat. Well, after we were almost done eating, the guy comes in...this time with his girlfriend. As we were leaving, she runs out behind us and yells out BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE!!! I'm still wondering if that shit in those bottles was really colonge, or some hack drug that you spray in your nose.  Come to find out, another friend who works in the bookstore was attacked by the cologne people. He was kind of fucked up afterwards.....Anyone see what I'm getting at here?  Why go and spend your money on drugs, when you can get the people selling colonge to give you a freebie...Hell if they are nice you can even get a 10% discount.....  
  My husband and I were helping my 19-year-old brother Ben move into his college dorm.  He had just gotten his key card: one of those fancy little cards that you swipe on a magnetic square on the wall, and then the door clicks open.  Anyway we had our arms full of luggage, computer parts, and boxes of his stuff.  Ben was swiping his card over the little square like mad but nothing was happening.  We shifted our stuff around while we waited, and a small line of people was forming behind us to get through the door.  (The place was packed as it was college move-in day.)  The bald guy behind us looked particularly impatient. Finally Ben said,  This thing isn t going to work.   And just then my husband spotted a young woman through the small glass pane in the door, and said,  Hey, let s get Fatty to open it for us!  and he started banging on the door.  She came over and held it open for us while we all passed through with our stuff.  Then as we got into the elevator, the bald guy put his arm around the young woman and they followed us in.  The guy was  Fatty s  dad! In the elevator on the way up, we endured the most awkward silence you can imagine.  The guy kept shooting my husband dirty looks.  My husband, lucky for him, was blissfully oblivious to the entire situation he hadn t even seen the bald guy standing behind us before. And when I told my husband later what he had done, the bastard started laughing!  
  I walked into Subway for lunch today, and the girl behind the counter makes eye contact with me. She obviously recognized me, and I thought she looked familiar, but I had no idea who she was. Once she was able to serve me, she said "You're Stewie's friend, right? We met at his party?"   I didn't realize until now that the reason I couldn't recognize her was because the first time I met her I never looked north of her semi-exposed headlights.     
  I went down on this guy at this party once. It suddenly occured to me that he recently had his dick in someones ass.  
  Being a nanny for a 3 year old boy you tend to expect "odd" things to happen. This is one i never expected...  3 year old- Why is my pee pee standing up?  me- Umm i dont know. Do you have to pee?  3 year old- how am i suppose to pee when its pointing to my face?  me- well i dont know honey just sit down and it will go away.  3 year old- I'll just take my underwear off.  me- NOOOO!! oh no dont do that!!! Just leave it alone and it will go away  Then he gave me a weird look and sat down.    
  I worked as a reports analyst for this sales manager, a woman who had just given birth and was regaining her figure.  Her husband would not dare put his dick where his son had just come out of, so the poor woman was about as horny as could be.  She would come to me and say that she desperately needed some statistic or some report - her boss had her at gunpoint over something and she could not stand to fuck up.    Sometimes I would play with myself until I was good, and hard and then I would rush into her office saying I had something she had to see right away.  I would keep a straight face and so would she.  I mean, my boner was fixing to rip out of its clothes like the incredible hulk or something, and I would thrust my hips forward.  She would be sitting down so my bone was right at her eye level.  She would get me too though.  She would come walking up to me and she would pull her stretch pants up real tight into her crotch as she addressed me, right into her cuchee.  Shit.  We should have fucked.  I really don't know why we didn't.  Agnes, if you're out there, you got a serious bang coming to you and I mean a serious good one, if you want it.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were nine.  We convinced my little brother to pick up the phone, dial "0" and say "Fuck you" to the lady who answered.  My brother got a serious ass-whooping for that!  
  Christmas cards come in the mail from our really old great aunt.  My sister and I open our seperate envelopes and look at the money.  Her: "Beer money!"  Me: "Pot money!"  Together:  "Merry Christmas Aunt Mary!"  True story.  
  I know a guy who was best friends with this other real asshole in highschool.  They are hanging out like usual doing nothing and this guy falls asleep. The asshole gets a brilliant idea and grabs his camera, unzips his fly and takes a fucking close-up picture of his own dick suspended in the now open, sleeping mouth of his friend ( without waking him). As soon as the film is developed, the asshole mails the picture of the guy's recognizable mug with eyes closed and dick entering mouth to the guy's mother.   
  I was racing this chick next to me and I was losing.  She was an ugly smoker so I didn't care but then I notice the famliar blue/red strobe behind me. She starts slowing down and I think I'll go for it. Then the blue/red turns into two distinct vechicles.  I pull over, hands on the dash and when the cop asks me why I look nervous I tell him that the "Bruns" county cops always get flinchy and wanted to make sure I didn't get a beating.  He didn't laugh but moved so I was able to read his arm and find out he was from a different county.  Went to court where a nice looking chick who did the same crime (different chick) got off with a 50 buck fine whereas I had to get take 2 points of my DL and pay $100.  -Spaz  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After having accidently melted off half of my thumb print with Nitric Acid and cursing the pain, I look at the missing print and think "Well damn, only nine more to go."  
  My best friend and I were walking through the Wal-Mart parking lot towards the store entrance. He's got a Coke in his hand that he opened maybe fifteen minutes ago. Near the end of the parking area, he stops, looks at me, and says, "Hey, remind me that I put this here." Then he places the can on the ground, neatly behind a pole so as to avoid someone accidently knocking it over.  On the way out of the store, he picked it up and drank the rest.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I never get seasick," the elderly British woman said gleefully to me in the passengers' lounge, "but my son can't sail at all. He's taken two Dramamine already!" Half an hour later, on the hovercraft in the middle of the Channel, she was puking her guts out while he slept.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I just watched "Real Sex, Number 27" on HBO.  For just a few quick moments I wondered how the women who were so eager to show all of their physiology to the world will feel about themselves in 30 years when they no longer have the pert buttocks and tight vaginas. Forget about their breast inplants and what they will look like, residing in their aging, non-elastic skin folds.  Funny thing about these programs; the main, controlling characters are always male while the females are always the workers - including the producers and writers of the episodes.  When the global subject (in whatever vehicle) deals with sex, the purpose is always to please that little bit less than human creature - man.  
  I just happened across a moment from someone who either is, or claims to be an 87 year old lady who fucks with people by making believe she's senile. THAT is why I can't wait to get old. That and yelling at kids to get off my lawn.  
  I had to bring my younger sister to my high school with me one day, because her teachers were on strike and my parents were away.  My chemistry teacher knew how to entertain her - he let her set a match to a balloon filled with flammable gas.  Fwoosh!  Best chemistry experiment all that year.  What he apparently didn't realize is that this pyrotechnic approach to teaching would have been equally, if not more, effective when used on high school teenagers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ah, it was good porn.  Skanky, but good nonetheless.  I'd spent about 5 minutes preparing for this, a relatively long time.  The Kleenex were out; the first tissue bloomed out of the box, and the conditioner had already been preheated over the radiator.  The lights had been dimmed and the curtains closed, with just a small ray of sunlight shining through.  I pressed play and put on the headphones.  *5 seconds later*  Key in the lock! Initiate emergency procedures! No time!  Scoot chair under desk! Turn off porn!   "Hey dude, what's up?"  "You motherfucker!"  "What? What'd I do?"  "I was beating off, you ass."  "Oh, sorry... I skipped class today."  Fuckin' obviously.   Then he took off his shoes, shirt, and pants and proceeded to go to sleep.  I just rinsed off my dick and hand and dealt with blue balls for a while.  It's been a real turning point in our relationship as roommates.  It's much easier to talk to him now, even though I still can't understand his funny accent sometimes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He looked at me as I walked down the street to meet him in the plaza.  "Lookin' a little groggy this mornin' arent'cha?" he said.  "Fukkin industry parties...." was all I could really muster up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  The caves, well; they caved in.  The subterranean factory  workers were trapped.  Having nothing better to do, they continued working, and soon died.   Oddly enough, without metabolism or phone calls or fatigue or flesh wounds or sleep to worry about--only one shift needed, working 24/7/365 (the supervisor gave short breaks for All Hallow's Eve, if they put in a good year)--  management found that production increased dramatically, .    Pointing to charts in the dark tomb, they all agreed that the move to a post necrotic work force would revolutionize the industrial world.          
  hey, stillbonging, i would give my life to meet you, dude. my friends and i have memorized like all your brows, and i just wanted to let you know that your the best.   - buddy@piopio.com  ------------------------------------- hey look every one! America's future!!      
  I finally gave in and went back to visit Mom. One weekend she dragged me with her to the mall. While we browsed, a guy I'd dated in high school recognized me and came up to say hi. I shrieked like a banshee. I'd imagined him tortured, mangled, and dead so many times that I'd come to believe it.  Too fucking complex to explain, so I just told Mom and him I got a cramp.  
  I had to pee but was reading the absorbing moments of others. Then I read how someone else peed bc of the same thing. I walked down the hall to the bathroom. I still posted it, though.  Pretty lowbrow.  
     If you want your employees to get any work done, DO NOT get access to the internet.     
  i have these two friends that are now dating.  we always joke around about how i should fool around with his girlfriend while he watches our "lesbian fun" because she loves me better.  it's starting to creep me out a little bit at the frequency and enthusiasm with which they both mention it.  
  Today, one of the layaway girls stopped one of the cashiers to enquire about her engagement. I heard about the conversation afterward.   At 16 years old, this girl is engaged, to who I believe is the only boyfriend she's ever had. She just assumes it will work out, apparantly not realizing that there's 5 years to go before the big day comes, she will meet other people eventually, and that life is not Mother Goose's Fairy Tales.  But she's prepared for what should happen in they break up.  "We were friends before we went out, so we'll still be friends even if we break up."  I really wanted to slap some sense into her pretty little head.  Just one smack upside the head . . . Please?  
  I accidentally submitted an empty moment, and was severely chastised.  I'm really, really, really sorry.        
  So, in cleaning Nolan's pipe with a wire, we packed a bowl of resiny goodness.  taking his first hoot, his face tills in disgust as he spat out black chunkies in every direction.  passing the pipe he held a thin trickle of resin sliding down his tonge roll.  That my friends... is lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Limerick:  There once was a man from New York, Who ate nothing but pork, His heart exploded, His body eroded, In his hand he still clutched a fork.  I wrote it when I was in Seventh grade. Now I'm in college. I still use it...   
  Ladies,  If any of you need a story to post on here about a wonderful one-night stand with an eighteen-year-old virgin, let me know.  
  I had just gotten engaged when my ex-girlfriend Sally came to visit.  I walked out of the shower sporting a towel and a hard on. She pulled me in and kissed me hard.  we ended up on my bed just about to fuck when my phone rang.  I didn't answer but the answering machine was on and I heard my new fiancee's voice coming from the machine.  Sally got up and said she had to leave.  It was just too awkward.  Sally's sister called me the next week though.  She liked the awkwardness.   I'm divorced now.  
  Sparta, Wisconsin...  Nuf said...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         never again i remember as a kid i was so proud of the the first time i spit my wad of chewed bazooka and it went sailing into space i was so fucking cool now as i look at the bottom of my vans and see the stingy gooey mess that attaches me to the ultrablackhottar i realize that that is the difference between children and adults as a kid its cool as an adult you can get outraged by others childishness then of course theres the fucking serves me right category still paying off an old karma i o u     
  I heard he was having one of those investigator guys come by because he'd applied for a job that required a security clearance. I still had the spare key to his apartment. I also still had that one diabetic syringe from where my grandma had spent the week.  He's still a pig. He didn't even tidy up the coffee table, so of course when the investigator looked pointedly at the syringe lying on the table, it almost didn't come as a shock to him. I love that my mom and his are still acquainted... I get all the best news that way.   
  once during his junior year of college, he spent between two and three months figuring out how to get on welfare and beat the system for free entitlement checks. he went at this with a zeal he rarely if ever displayed.  during that two to three month period, he barely avoided five F's, and miraculously landed a 1.7 GPA. he never got on welfare, and i never saw him after his friend quit my band.  
  my favorite thing is when seemingly upright demure above reproach model citizens become offended by the common granted we all dont have to discuss bodily processes in public nor air our dirty laundry at the expense of decorum and all that is calm and restrained likewise there should never be a need to belittle denounce or devalue someone purely due to income and status so regardless of blue or white collar please dont say you shit roses i'll need some empirical proof        
  Air hockey is frighteningly similar to real life:  Whenever I really, really want it, I play like shit.  But when I couldn't give a fuck, I score like crazy.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         (My mishaps with glass part 1 of 4)  Back in my 9th grade year I got suspended for "Endangering another student"  It was in between classes. I held the doorway shut downstairs, which had little glass panels inset in wood. A friend at the time (forgot his name) starting pushing at the door. Then he kicked it. And kicked it.... And put this foot right through the glass.  As soon as I heard the tinkle of glass, I decked out. When I was out of breath and on the other side of school I laughed and kept laughing.  Everytime he looks down at the 26 stitch scar, I know he'll think of me.  And I still laugh about it.  
  My god lets me drink all the beer I want as long as I don't smoke or cruise porn.  Bet your god's not as cool as my god.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to think that if i were to die suddenly. and there was no cat food left.  My cat would still survive.   he eats my earwax.   
  Freshman graduation dance  I feel like the belle of the ball. Every slow dance song, a different boy asks me to dance.  I find out later it was because they all wanted a look down my dress.  
  At BWI airport in the baggage claim area on the loudspeaker at 12:15 am I hear: "Mike Rotch, please report to the security station, Mike Rotch."  I dont think anyone is named Mike Rotch and if there is they must really like to play pranks with their name.  
  never trust a man with wooden legs and real feet.        
  I was talking with a middle aged couple in the kitchen of their house. They were making me breakfast as we cahtted amicably about jobs, the future etc.  All I could think while this conversation was going on was, "I had your daughter up against that counter-top with my fingers up her ass."    
   Early BrewPub Days #1  I walk in, for about the third time ever, and the new barmaid takes my breath away. Tall, skinny, jet-black, with dreadlocks flying everywhere. We immediately become friends, of course. I invite her over to my house a couple of times for dinner, and my family loves her. I even let her choose what I should make, and she asks for Paneer (some weird Indian homemade cheese) with spinach. No problem. Really neat woman. I can hardly keep my eyes off her legs. I'm selling my Suzuki, and she decides she wants it. She straddles it in her miniskirt, then says: "Oops! I'm showing!" I walk around front and bend my head down to make sure she's being honest. She is. Pure white panties. We laugh long. Nice moment. I refuse to sell my Suzuki to her -- it would kill her in about two minutes. When I drop her off, we sit in the van and talk. Just having those legs next to me makes willie bounce for joy, the single-minded little moron he is. She opens the door to leave, then leans over and plants her enormous lips on mine, looks square at me, and sticks her tongue in my mouth. Pure invitation. Here's the LowBrow moment: I don't cheat, never have, never will. Willie hates me something awful. And my wife and I broke up, anyway...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Aah, The Old Innocent, Pre-Anthrax Days  Back in '93, I was at a nose-on-the-grindwheel working software convention in Santa Monica, CA. Suited me fine, since I was there on a mission and wanted to get work done. The ritzy hotel was right on the beach, with the Pacific Ocean lapping away. Only the second time I'd ever seen the Pacific. I had my nose in my work so much it was Friday before I ever set foot on sand. Anyway, I made friends with a Dutch guy, who was almost as much of a dweeb as I was. I mentioned that my old Dutch buddy from college had got me addicted to "Gestumpe Myces," which translates as "stomped mouse balls." It was actually an aniseed candy, which was sold as powder to sprinkle on buttered toast. Wonderful. He and I (and the Polynesian hula-girl who had somehow become attached to us at some point) had some great recreational evenings together, then we shook hands and parted. A month later, a package was delivered to my company. It was leaking large amounts of white powder. The postmark was Amsterdam. I'm surprised they let it through, even in '93. Maybe they tasted it and realized it wasn't actually cocaine. The deathly-cute secretary (we called her "Kleenex": use her once, and throw her away...) brought it to me, dubiously. I dabbed my finger in the spilling powder, tasted it, smiled widely, and offered her some. Way too much for her to handle. She ran out of there on her skinny colt-legs...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          "do you want four or six?" the blond bartender with goofy glasses and a russian style fur hat said. "uhhh.... six, since it's 2 for 1, i guess." "i have a friend" she says, "who always says ' it's like twelve for the price of six!' HaaaHAhhaHAA."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I can never find Carver's ginger ale anymore. It's something of a delicacy for me, just because it's so difficult to come by in these parts. I have a bottle sitting on the floor across the room from me, if not for any other reason, than because I've yet to decide on a place for it. I'm saving it for a special occasion, and right now certainly qualifies as special, just not in the 'good' way that 'special occasion' usually implies. I accidentally exposed my pictures from Prom and rammed the side of my car into my garage, knocking out the left lights and inflicting minimal body damage (but even that is enough to drain my newly-filled wallet again). And both for nothing, it turns out, because I destroyed the pictures that I was in such a hurry to get, the photos for the assignment due tomorrow. I really want that ginger ale, but I know it's not going to make me feel any better at all. 22 May, 2001  
  When pressed, a woman will always choose her dog over her lover.  
  For the ladies living with their men-  Be mindful where you hang your scrunchie body wash spongee thingie in the shower -  We try and aim as close to the drain as possible, but if that thing is hanging the faucet above, mits subject to semenal trajectory.  And that shit just dont come outta that thing   
  In my opinion Nyquil is an excellent drug.  
  They swear it's true, I have my doubts, but it's funny nonetheless.  My two guy friends were looking at some really old porn (my friend's dad's, I'm assuming) and one says, laughing, "dude, it's your mom" In response, my other friend says "ah, dude, shut the fuck up" And he says, "No, seriously dude, it's your mom." It was.  
  I need out of here. And I don't just mean out of this house or this town - I mean out of this life. I'm trapped into being a boring, self-obsessed, socially-malfunctioning nerd.  It's been nearly three years since there's been anyone I could call a girlfriend in my life.   Thank God that old wive's tale isn't true. I really need my vision.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so the story of my pay raise goes:  the office manager tells the head boss, "i think we should give her a dollar increase because she's really good"  and the head boss responds, "make it two, why not? she's got a great attitude"  ....and all i can think of is the card i gave him for boss' day where i wrote "so enjoy the one day you get to tell people what to do.  just kidding.  don't worry, you still scare the shit out of me."  
  I'm working at a premiere party in Hollywood.  It's a good party, everyone's having a great time and getting a little wild.  Cameron Diaz comes zigzagging through the room towards me, gets bumped-into my some drunk moron, and drops her purse.  Its contents spill out near my feet; contents that include a hypodermic needle.  I squat down to quickly recover the contents when suddenly, her Manolo Blanik comes smashing down on the hypo.  She quickly leans down and, with rotting alcohol breath that nearly turned my hair white, hissed, "Don't you dare fucking touch that!"  I withdrew my hand, she reclaimed her hypo, and staggered across the party to the ladies' room.  Wow.  
  Pick 'n pull sounds like an incredibly filthy habit, but it's not.  It's a salvage yard.  in oakland.  I've been there.  disappointed that it couldn't have been a diner.  
  I was driving a new aquaintence's car.  Shitty mazda or some other import.   ::KLUNK:: Me: What the fuck was that? ::KLUNK:: Her: Dont worry it's the parking brake. ::KLUNK:: Me: That came from under me, the parking break is behind us. ::KLUNK:: Her: It's the transmission. ::KLUNK:: Me: Hon, that's up front.  The sound came from the bottom of the car. ::KLUNK:: Her: Don't worry, I hear that noise all the time ::KLUNK:: At this point the wheel jerks out of my hands, and the front third of the car is driving forward, the back two thirds, including the two of us, is resting firmly on the ground.  The front end moves annother 3 yards, and crashes into the nicest car available, a 2002 BMW 325ci.  Thank God that was her car.  I unfassened my seatbelt, and ran away.  I never saw her again.  
  Driving up to the rifle range in a van.  Very narrow country lane, with hedgerows on each side.  Austin-Healy sportscar gets stuck behind us for miles.  When he finally passes, he yells "Roadhog!" and goes zooming off.  In a few minutes, we pass the Austin-Healy with its nose in the hedgerow. The guy is just getting out.  Our driver rolls down the window, yells: "Hedgehog!"  
  My little old lady mom, the most innocent woman in the world, recently rented "Boogie Nights". She thought it was the sequel to "Stayin' Alive".  She was both disappointed and morbidly fascinated.   
  I got a call the other night. Someone at my church had the brilliant idea that I would make a great "elder" on the church council.  I have reluctantly accepted.....  Wolf in the fold.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I invited my friend and his girlfriend over, to hang out at the house for an entertaining evening of movies...  While keeping them entertained, low and behold my father comes out of his room, walks into the kitchen grabs a beer, and walks back through the living room(where we were at). Heading towards his room he farts, turns around and says to everyone, "Did you hear what that asshole said?"  Farts one more time and walks in his room and closes the door.  
  I was a sophmore in college. My boyfriend was 10 years older, divorced and thrilled to be dating a co-ed.  He took me to the opera, which bored me to no end.  I slipped my hand into his lap and unzipped his fly.  He covered his crotch with his jacket and I gave him a hand job while "the Marriage of Figaro" played out on stage.  I teased him through the first half  of the show, never letting go even during the intermission.  Finally, during the second half, I finished him off. He came in my hand and I leaned over to "polish him off" with my lips.   That was 18 years ago. I was fearless back then.    
  I have developed a strange addiction to email addresses. I have over a dozen hotmail accounts, possibly more yahoos and excites, and some others. And I never give them out. I get no mail on them except spam.  So I decided to let them expire. Now the hardest challenge I have is not checking on them to see if they've been cancelled, thereby cancelling the cancellation. Or something like that.  And I'd so gotten to like the "increase your penis size" mails, too.  
  While I still do not go out in public with this guy, I cannot bring myself to give up his weekly updates. The latest is when he arrived at his Northern California Girlfriend s house and his pregnant Southern California Girlfriend was there.  It was not so much a fight-on-two-fronts as a tag-team match body-slamming his very soul. The lowbrow moment came when he asked me how he can get a restraining order against the Southern California Girlfriend.  My comment,  If you thought you heard yelling yesterday, wait until you stand up in front of a judge and ask him to legally restrain the mother of your child-to-be from interfering with your sex life.    Be sure tell him that you have not yet moved out of her apartment.    You might get bonus points if you mention that you found the time to file a restraining order but have not yet gotten around to filing for divorce from your wife.    
  everyone always talks about how self-righteous and pretentious Jesus freaks are, but i think there are worse. former smokers, for example.  you know, that smug "i'm better than you because i conquered my addiction" look they get on their face when they say how long it's been since their last smoke. this is to all you former smokers out there: fuck you.  you were the limpdicks pathetic enough to get pressured into smoking in the first place.  the only reason you quit is because the people you were trying to impress are no longer around to care about your pathetic existance. snubbing your noses at those who still smoke shouldn't make you think you're better than them, it should be a reminder how much of a pussy you are under pressure.  
   "I spent 5 years in college for this?"  The muffled phrase was barely audible with his head so far up our project director's plump ass.        
  Spencer, NY is one sorry little town.  Sort of place where the most popular rental movie is "Honey, I Diddled The Kids."  The only possible reason to visit Spencer is the summertime cheerleader carwash.  For $3, you can sit in your car and have a dozen bikini-n-wet-T-shirt clad cheerleaders soap up your car by hand, whiles giggling and spraying water over each other.  Fourteen miles south of Ithaca, just before the one stoplight, gas station on the right.   Just in case you wondered exactly where.  
  When you are presented with the chance to snort a line of coke of a stripper's ass; you do it. Even if you don't do drugs. Because really; when is that opportunity going to present itself again???  
  he got out of bed in the middle of the night.  i assumed he was going to the bathroom, rolled over and attempted to soak up the warmth where he had been lying.  he was gone for more than a minute or two; i fell asleep again before he came back.  he nudged me gently awake and slid back under the covers.  kissed my face.  his breath smelled like garlic -- in a good way.  "you ate the leftovers?" i asked, referring to the doggie bag we'd brought back from that night's dinner out.  "mmm..." he replied in acknowledgement.  "damnit," i muttered jealously.  "i was going to have that for breakfast."  he put an arm around me, put his hand on my ass.  we fucked for two hours before going back to sleep.  hedonists.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My favorite cigarette is the one my wife has after blowing me.  Yum.  
  I turned to my friend. "Are you kidding? He looks like a date rapist!" I shouted. The dean of undergraduate academic affairs, across the table, looked at me bemused for a second. "Yes, you're right. He does," he nodded. ~puck~  
  Two minutes to midnight on new year's eve, I'm locked in the bathroom with my girlfriend. Chances of getting laid that night=good.  Two minutes later, my friend is whining and thumping at the door, ready to puke. I tell him there's another bathroom downstairs, but it's too late now. He bursts in and as he hurls tomato-red puke down the toilet inbetween choking out that his girlfriend has just decided she's gay, the clock strikes midnight and cheers and fireworks are heard from outside. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's ran off to calm down his now ex girlfriend.  Chances of getting laid that night=fuck all.  Yeah, I can tell this is going to be a happy new year.  
  So I'm sitting there out in the middle of nowhere - Bumfuck Wisconsin - thinking 'Just how do all these people live out here?'  And then I'm looking around at places like 'Cracker Barrel' & 'The Great Waldo Peppers Saloon and Pizzaria', and I realize - My God - this could be me, stuck bagging groceries at the 'Piggly Wiggly' and swilling cheap piss-beer while watching the Packers...  And I get scared.  Very Scared.  It makes you realize how special it is to be a geek.  And that's a good thing.  
  standing over a stove in my bath robe, cooking, sorta. the only thing in the house was pancake mix, half a bottel of vodka and crutons. haven't worked in a week, haven't shaved in two. didnt have milk for the pancake mix, ill try water. i didn't have any slippers of my own so i am wearing a pair of my ex-girlfriends bobbie socks.  i remember growing up we use to say the blessing befor we ate. the only thing that comes to mind now           "It could be worse"     after thought: water pancakes and vodka, ok crutons and vodka, ok water pancakes, crutons and vodka, not ok  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why is it I have to search high and low for a clean drinking glass at my mom's house. Each one seems to have more dried food particles on it than the last. You can find the four major food groups stuck on a single cup. Hmm... is that broccoli?  Get a new dishwasher Ma, you cheap fuck.  
   Goddamn governemnts, ALL OF THEM!!!  I don't think I need to explain that, you should already know why by now.        
  vulgarity may be the crutch of the inarticulate or it may be an effect tool for emphatic punctuation in an age where love and great and beautiful and awesome are words trivialized by madison avenue con artists trained in the arts of psychology and sociology who attempt to manipulate the poor and idiotic masses thats you and me into purchasing inferior garbage we neither need nor want  it can extrapolate a certain anger at the eternal degredation of the capital i ideals that humans attempt to hold as constants it can be a wailing into the wind of global homogenization as one by one each individual is slowly effaced leaving nothing but a consuming mass of hellokitty blank stares and meaningless smiles but personally i think vulgarity is an unparalleled way to vent the anger that would otherwise find its way to fists thereby causing a meltdown of the fragile pseudo fabric known as society so swear on mothafuckah exclam thank you for your patience       
  You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.   You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.   You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.   You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.   You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.    
  It has been a month of firsts for me.  I used to be the type of girl who only had sex with guys she "loved" or at least thought she could eventually love.  But on new years eve, I had my first one night stand.  You'd think it would have freaked me out, being the sweet, innocent girl I am, but no, it just made me realize that i don't need a boyfriend to get some.  The ironic part is, now I am dating someone, whom I will NOT sleep with because I don't want him to think I'm easy.  I'd rather fuck some other guy who doesnt give a damn about me and vice versa, so at least I don't have to wonder if he'll call.  
  Stopping by the stop and steal, buying smokes and beer, not gas, not using the ATM, talking to the employees. "How much business do you have? The management before was zapped by the across the street service station. Will you make it? I hope so. You're prices are more realistic."  In his broken English he said the Houston owners were spending too much money on this place trying to compete with the local kingpin.  The local kingpin offers ATM services for the local BIG COMPANY credit union at no extra charge. The local kingpin is probably a relative of someone who works for THE BIG COMPANY.  I don't have much hope for the place. In a small town, folks take care of each other politically and financially.  Sad.  
  Way back in the distant past of the early 1980's I'm working at this dump of a hotel in Stockton, California.  This coworker and I were talking about the mpvie "This is Spinal Tap" and then asks me why he can't seem to ever find any of the other 17 albums Spanal Tap ever made.  I ask him if he noticed the part of the movie where the band performs at the theme park in Stockton, CA.  He says that he did see that part.  I ask him if we had a theme park in Stickton, CA.  He replies that no, in fact we did not.  He never got it.  I would not be at all surprised if he still thinks Spanal Tap is real.  
  I've got a picture of me smoking a joint with Stonehenge in the background.  I got stoned@stonehenge.....  
  he cant even hold down a relationship for a week. i hope i had something to do with that :)  
  What the fuck is all of this shit?  People just going around doing the same things over and over again, going to parties, getting wasted, having sex with people, getting into fights because they have had sex with the same people, over and over, like a soap opera, where the stories never end just segue into the next one which is exactly like the one before but with different names.  Instead of a soap opera, wouldn't you rather be living a really good movie?  That has a beginning, a middle, and a happy ending?  Where everything seems to have a purpose?  So would I.  But instead I'm sitting here, still reading Lowbrow.com after 5 hours.  I'm not even in a *good* soap opera.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What the fuck is all of this shit?  People just going around doing the same things over and over again, going to parties, getting wasted, having sex with people, getting into fights because they have had sex with the same people, over and over, like a soap opera, where the stories never end just segue into the next one which is exactly like the one before but with different names.  Instead of a soap opera, wouldn't you rather be living a really good movie?  That has a beginning, a middle, and a happy ending?  Where everything seems to have a purpose?  So would I.  But instead I'm sitting here, still reading Lowbrow.com after 5 hours.  I'm not even in a *good* soap opera.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i was at my friends house the other night when his grandma stopped by. we were eating something or another and i guess i had something on my face. his grandmother replied "oh dear, you've got something on your puss"  i didn't know what to say, so i said "excuse me?" She walked up to me and was like "you need to go wash your puss." I still had no idea what she was talking about so i just played dumb. She then walked up with a wash cloth and 'washed my puss.' i guess where shes from your 'puss' is your face. i thought it was kinda funny. that's all  
  living in a sexually repressed home i finally discovered masturbation and promptly started spanking it 3-4 times a day. my mom was suspicious but i don't think she really knew what i was doing all day behind closed doors. although i did start lighting candles after she commented my room smelled odd, kinda like doritos.  
  "tim, why aren't you smiling?" my math teacher interrupted the lesson to bring me back to earth from my little zone of pure thought.  why aren't i smiling, i asked myself... what is there to smile about? on a personal level, my wretched school is preventing me from having a girlfriend, a car, and a steady income. not to mention a good night's sleep. in a national level, america is going to shit due to the indifference of the mtv generation. while people starve to death on our streets, they watch the latest music video with the skankies women and the flashiest lights, burning up their money on designer drugs, clothes, and food. too much food. while people starve on our own fuck streets. what else is there to smile about? the millions of more people starving across the sea? the world on the brink of nuclear war? the thousands getting killed by america, the great peace-keeper, daily? why the fuck should i be smiling? what is there to smile about? that's what i though. i responded: "the tacos at lunch today aren't agreeing with me"  
  I could hear the far off fireworks from my apartment.  I was not there because I did not care for such things.  But then, it made me sad, for myself, that I did not care.        
  my friend has a wierd semi-cosmic thing about killing birds with his giant truck. one time, on the way back from tyrol, an owl charged the side of his truck, and paralized itself.  i suggested he put it out of it's misery.  on the first pass, he grazed it.  he got it on the second one. another time we were on the east side, lake drive.  about 15 pigeons were standing in the road.   he yelled, "death to pigeon" and stayed on the gas, assuming they'd move.  they didn't, quick enough.  they all bounced off the windshield and grill.  maybe some under the tires.  
  My boyfriend has a sink in his bedroom. 'i need to pee!' i said, in bed after one hell of a drunken evening. 'go on then' he said. 'but the toilet's so far away!' i whined. 'go in the sink then.' that's disgusting' i replied, thinking how tempting that sounded.   'i'll think more of you if you do it' he urged, craving amusement. so, i peed in his sink.  It was kinda fun.  
  today was a fun day in anthropology because this really, really pretty girl for some reason decided to sit by me.  it's a huge lecture hall, holds 300 or so students.  well, the prettiest girl in the whole place sits by me.  i'm freaking out.  she smiles at me as she sits down. that never happens. ever.  then she drops a pen and i hand it back, going "h-h-here you g-go.", probalby sounding like an idiot. for some reason she's charmed, apparently, she smiles and we actually make eye contact for a couple seconds.  so at this point, i do the only thing a person such as me can do - i face directly forward the rest of lecture and don't look her way again.  to avoid looking stupid i guess.  i'm a fucking retard.  i should've talked to her.  "but you still have a chance", you might say. no i don't.  because at the end of class, i yawned - and accidentally burped.  goddammit!  
  my boyfriend got some great advice from a guy named fester "if you're ever in the shower with a chick, you should pee on her, with the warm water she'll never know the difference"        
  Last night at the pub...  One of my friends has a girlfriend that he has been trying to get rid of, but she is just plain psychotic...  The bartenders cut her off, so she's going around the pub asking other people to buy her beer...  She's awfully drunk at this point, sits down at a table with some guys, and just grabs one of their beers and starts drinking it...  The bartenders ask my friend to get her out of there, so he takes her out the door.  A couple of minutes later, she's back in the door, trying to get more beer...  The bartenders tell her to get out, so she starts screaming at them...  I politely try to coax her to the door, got her to the door, but she wants to stay and rant...  Suddenly the door opens and my friend grabs her around the waist and snatches her out of the pub...  Was like watching a jack-in-the-box in reverse...  
   The first time I blushed, after all I am not a very forward girl.  The second time I smiled and tried not to stammer a ridiculous reply.  The third time I was recognizing a pattern.  The fourth time, well tonight was the fourth time and I was just like to state for the record, when some woman in techincal support asks for your phone number she's not being forward or trying to flirt, she's trying to pull up your record to get you off the phone. If she wanted cheesy one liners she go to a bar. ~Faded  
  I run into the movie theater screaming "WATER!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.   He drags me out of there. "What the hell was that?!?!"  So I tell him, "Did you know it was illegal to yell 'FIRE' in a theater?"  {I have poison ivy so bad on my feet right now that I'm typing these things just to keep my hands busy so I don't scratch.}   Not an apology, but at least an explanation.  
                                             All you need in life is a good jar of petroleum jelly  
  i had a terrible dream that my coffee cup broke again and that my parents were paying for my younger sister's breast implants.  
  My mom said fuck in front of me for the first time ever in my entire life tonight.  "It always goes back to the fucking Real World."  I was just blown away, because she sounded so natural saying it, like she says it all the time, but I've never heard her say it before ever.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I succesfully managed to owe 500 dollars to various businesses.  Most those bills were actually due last week.  My 230 cell phone bill was due on the same day last week that my stupid friend lost my last 200 dollars.  All I wanted was an ounce of pot, not so much to ask. I figured selling most of it would be a good way to smoke for free during my anticipated poor streak. When I call to ask where my money is she goes, "Chaz has it." Me-"WHO THE FUCK IS CHAZ!!!! And why does HE have my money you bitch!!"  So as a result of her stupidity I have to get a payday advance for 100 bucks, cause half the 200 wasn't even mine.  Then my car repair bill finally goes through and since I had taken 100 out for the pot my account goes into overdraft.  Someday I may be able to pay off my debt.  But since my previous job just went out of business suddenly and has yet to pay me, its not looking likely.  The point of this story is now I have declared I am quitting pot for a week.  Mainly for financial reasons.  I'm at day one right now.  God I am bored.  I guess I'll spend my week making an elaborate plan of how to screw that bitch over.  That'll help the boredom pass.  
  First Rush Intense:  I just packed my uzi in with the watermelons.   Peace, relief, comfort.  Who the Fuck is this Guy Staring at?  Sean Connery lookin' fuck.  I can almost hear him saying in that scottish accent:  "Look at my giant scottish cock..."  "Suck It Bitch"  I'm fucked up.  
  I just found out my mom has a seemingly infinite renewal on a prescription for darvocet and just keeps getting it filled, stockpiled in the guest bathroom.  Now that visit home I've been dreading doesn't sound so bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         mandy went to the planed parent hood, so did liz.  mandy gave me two honey dew flavored condoms. i traded one honey dew for a lubed red one. i then traded mandy the red one, for a kick ass black one. the other day, the wrapper sploded.  planned parenthood condoms: you get what you pay for.  
   Boomers  OK, so some people might call me middle-aged. Deal with it. But I love Boomers. A Boomer is a car you can hear two blocks away, and when it drives by, even with windows closed, your bowels instruct you to sit on the toilet for awhile. I get cute and call them the "mating call of the testosterone-driven-teenager", but I still love them. I can't imagine what it must be like inside a Boomer. Do they have a convenient toilet in there that they sit on while they drive? I've even approached Boomer drivers at the quickstop, asking to just sit inside for a minute, but they always say it's broken. So, apart from knowing what it's like to be inside a Boomer, the main question in my mind is: Why do I hear them only during the summertime? Do testosterone-driven-teenagers take a celibacy break in the winter? Or does the cold weather somehow filter common sense into their heads, like explaining to them that  girls do not give one shit about stereo systems!   
  "Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry" is not an acceptable form of Grace.  Apparently.  
  Putting Toilet Paper in your ass crack to stop your shorts from getting dirty MIGHT seem like a good idea at the time but...  within an hour it starts to work it's way INTO YOU ASS wich causes serious discomfort...   it felt good when i pulled it out  
  In our winter coats While falling snowflakes spiral We fuck like children  
  My pin number for my bank account is 95177.  My password for just about everything is either fender or fender15.  Doesn't do you any good since you've got no idea who I am.  Glad I could finally get that off my chest.  
  what bites my ass said he to me is that so many people think their little wonderbread town with its one crazy lady that has too many cats is what life is all about that insane motherfuckers dont exist or are only some shit they see on tv do yourself a favor and stop by your local group home or better yet a old school mental institution and see what the wrinkles in the gene code are all about bet you wont be so cold and heartless and self absorbed l after that especially if you are savy enough to know that anyone of those people could have just as easily been your arrogant pompous overbloated farm raised consumer ass maybe just maybe you wont shrink away in fear from them and manage to smile and say hi at least you dont think theyve gotta a raw enough deal already you dont think they deserve a little human compassion from you when you have everything  the above is slightly paraphrased  i love when people feel strongly about things by comparison there is no one that gives a rats ass about the disable  except him          
  4:30 in the AM, and on our way back from papas in beer. a popular night spot in rosarito, mexico.  riding in a sedan... two people up front, 4 in the back seat, and one bravehearted soul in the trunk  shit... the federales not a single one of us is sober... even the driver they amble up to the window "you know there are too many people in this car? i'm going to have to give you a ticket" thew response came, "can't i just pay it right now?" "fine," said the mexican policeman... "$40, US money" my friend in the driver seat looks at him with a stern glare and rebukes "twenty." it was then i knew our night was not yet over  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I recently had a conversation with an online friend of mine. He stated that he was rather pissed off at the world, and was getting to be quite an ass. I sat there thinking about what my husband would say if he heard what I told him next.  "If you would just get laid you would feel a whole hell of a lot better"  The sad part is that I know from experience that sexual deprivation leads to assinine behaviors and attitudes.  
  One time at my friend Aaron's house, after a party he had, it was just me, Aaron, Danny, and Erica left in the living room.  Erica was passed out cold, she drank more than a 100 pound girl should.  Us guys were still smashed/stoned.  And then Aaron says tell him Dan.  Dan says no, Aaron goes do it or I will. Dan asks me whats the wierdest thing I ever did when masturbating.  I said nothing.  He says NEVERMIND.  Aaron says do it man.  He goes not here, Erica is just laying there.  I go believe me, I know Erica, shes had like 7 shots of tequila, and who knows how much pucker, shes out cold.  He goes no way.  So I scream at Erica, no response.  Tell her there is a spider on her head, shes out cold.  Throw a pillow at her, no movement.  So Dan starts his story, he says you know those boneless chicken breasts.  Well I microwaved one, and cut a hole in it and fucked it.  Aaron and I laughed for like 2 minutes and just when we stopped, Erica chimed in That is the sickest thing Ive ever heard.    There was silence for about 3 seconds then Aaron and I laughed even harder, Dan left.  He still gets teased about that to this day.    
   New Year's Eve, 1980  After my sad, sorry celebration of the 1979 New Year (it's rather famous on this site, since it involves a pair of my neighbour's panties), I invite my Scottish mother over to help celebrate the next one. My American wife tries even harder to put on a show, but the friends she invites have no more idea than she does about how to properly  celebrate New Year! . Mom looks at me. I look at her. We ditch them all and head out to a restaurant that was advertising a shindig. I park the car while warning my mother that people over here are a little wary of strangers. Wasted breath. The old fool leaps out of my car and accosts a couple entering the restaurant. By the time I catch up, she's taught them two Scottish dances. Mom: "This is my boy! Who are you?" People: "We own this restaurant. Would you and your son like to join us at the head table for the New Year celebration?" Goddammed old fool always seems to luck out like that. She owns the place, even convincing shy old me to perform my New Year party piece - "The Wee Cock Sparrow." (No, you don't want to know). It gets much worse. Driving home at 4am, we get pulled over. I talk to the cop quietly, while trying to not breathe beer fumes in his face. Cop: "And that's your mother?" Mom: " Yes! I'm his Mom! Happy New Year! " She blows a party favour thing right in his face. Oh shit. Cop: "Get her home safely, OK?"  
  My best friend moved to Vermont and made the acquaintance of a guy who eventually ended up being a housemate of his.   When asked to describe this guy to another friend, my friend said, "Whatever you're think at this moment, he's thinking the exact same thing except it involves donkeys and midgets."  He did get some *excellent* weed, though.  
  When I first got the computer, I was so happy... now I could have (sort of) social interaction without having to deal with pervs, drunks, assholes, fuckwits, or elitists. I downloaded irc and IM and got email addresses galore.  I just spent the last half hour removing irc, IM, and negating most of my email addies, because all I ever see online are pervs, drunks, assholes, fuckwits, and elitists. Plus way too many political and religious freaks.  Damn it, should have stuck to going down to the pub. At least the peanuts were fresh.  
  Driving back from a phat new years party, i started to feel a little queasy.  I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of my friends by asking them to pull over, so I looked around for something I could boot in.  Luckily we had gotten McDonald's the night before and the drink cup was lying on the ground at my feet.  The guy who owned the car thanked me for "Super Sizing" it.  
  The smell had gotten worse; my roommate and I went through everything in the fridge without success (odd considering it had never even been close to full) and somehow missed that chicken that had expired a week ago.  Don't know why I denied that it was the source once it was discovered; maybe because I didn't want to see the precious two-eighty-three I spent on it wasted.  But waste it we did, saying  sayonara  as we chucked it in the garbage.  Which was next to the fridge.  A couple days later we decided to take out the trash, but only because two people had vomited their beer and smashed their bottles on the kitchen floor after complaining about a bad smell.  Well hey, it beat making TWO trips to the garbage chute.  
  One time at our lake house I was swimming by the dock when the guy I had a crush on all summer called me over to the dock.  He was sitting on the dock talking to me while I was still halfway in the water.  He told me I looked like a mermaid so I wasn't about to get out of the water and possibly miss a chance of him asking me out.   We were there talking for a long time and I had to pee so bad.  After fighting it for as long as I could I just let it go, figuring how would he ever know what I was really doing under the water.  I ended up dating him for two years and we are still really good friends.  I did end up telling him what I did that night.  He took it as a complement.  
  My moving date got bumped out by a week. Damn. The people moving into my place were generous enough to allow me to stay in my own home the extra week. At a cost of $500. F-ing immigrants. But its ok, its all good. I've been on a steady diet of jalapenos, coffee, and cigarettes for 4 days now. Before I leave I'm filling up every goddamn air vent in every goddamn room with my feces. And the winter months are just around the corner.  
  there's this old picture in this shoebox in my attic of my aunt and my mom.  when i was little i used to think that they were sittin around some candles and a weird looking lamp.  turned out it was a giant bong and they were stoned out of their minds.    damn i wish that bong was still around.  
  He knew he had to stop when he bought the Bissell. Cleaning the blood stains out of the upholstery in his car simply got too tiring by hand. The shop vac had always done a fantastic job of removing the hair and tissue, but the blood just seemed to stay no matter what he did.    He had started around five years ago. Dave was so distraught over Reagan leaving office, that he began to start cruising for whores who looked like Nancy. There was just something about that skinny, distant look that gave him a big stiffy. He reveled in having "Nancy" stuff her thumb up his ass at the point of orgasm, all the while intoning, "Just say no! Just say no!"   After a while, the novelty wore off and Dave was left with only a burning anger towards the life that fate cast him. Much of this had to do with the fact that his favorite Nancy had decided to stop seeing him. He resolved to rectify this situation permanently.   He hatched his plan one night while idly flicking through an old Hustler. There was a photo spread titled Mars Wants Pussy, and at that instant, while stroking his turgid member, it came to him in a blinding flash and a sticky substance: he would kidnap his favorite Nancy, and keep her until he expunged the demons in his head.   He had it all planned out; the hotel room was paid for, the caviar was in the fridge, copies of The National Review were scattered about the night stand. It had taken him several minutes to decide in the store whether he wanted the standard choke chain or the spiked collar that attached to the nipples. He ended up with the choke chain; little did he know that decision would alter his love of life forever.   Dave had been at the hotel since six, and "Nancy" wasn't due until ten. He kept himself amused in his waiting by noting the interesting behavior of the roaches in the room. There was something darkly erotic about how they scuttled about the floor looking for human dregs to feed upon. Curious, he spread some caviar on the carpet, and stepped back to examine the ensuing melee. The smell reminded him of a lukewarm, gummy pussy, and the roaches climbing all over each other to get a lick of the sticky substance began to weave its rhythm into his brain.   As he undressed, he began to wonder what it would feel like to have thousands of tiny probisci snuffling about his body, probing into crevices too small for human touch. Slowly moving back towards the refrigerator, so as not to startle away the hungry insects, he gripped the handle of the door, and for the briefest of instants, contemplated the ramifications of what he was about to do. Basic instincts of desire blotted out any rational thought, and he jerked the door open and lunged for the caviar.   Dave could hardly unscrew the top as the thoughts of what might transpire overcame his reality. Plunging his fingers into the cool, viscous egg gel caused his whole body to shudder, as if someone had prodded him in the solar plexus with a sharp metal poker. He began cautiously; he didn't want to ruin his oncoming orgasm by going too far too fast. Seating himself on the floor near the earlier caviar smear, which oddly looked like some sort of shit trail, he smeared the gooey substance over his toes and feet. Almost immediately, one of the larger cockroaches scampered over and began to investigate the spaces between his toes.    Once the trail was blazed, the cockroaches made a line towards his feet. Shivering from the coolness of the room on his naked body and the exquisite feeling of bugs between his toes, Dave leaned back and reached towards the jar he had set down earlier. Taking a large scoop, he smeared a trail up his leg towards his groin. The roaches by this time were coming out of the woodwork, enticed by the smell of fish egg. They began to crawl up and down his legs, causing Dave's hairs to stand on end.    His penis had begun to grow at an alarming rate. The feeling of hundreds of tiny legs walking up and down his legs was absolutely amazing. He thought he was going to ejaculate from the feeling, but a thought of how to prolong and enhance his coming pleasure helped pull him back from the brink.   Sliding his hand over and grasping the jar, he took another large clump from the jar into his fingers. He rolled it about a bit to warm it up. The feeling of the small balls squishing under his fingertips excited him further. Slowly, he skimmed the surface of his skin with the now melting egg fluid on his fingertips towards his anus.   Shoving the first few fish embryos into this sphincter, Dave almost climaxed. As he worked his finger around in his rectum for a few pleasurable seconds, he could feel the roaches working their magic up his legs towards his magic button.   Inexorably, the large roaches began to approach Dave's bunghole, and as they approached his perineum, his member began to throb. He caught himself by squeezing his prick and ejaculating into his bladder. Stretching out again for the jar of fish feti, and taking a handfull, he wiped a large quantity on his throbbing ManTool (TM someone else) and waited for the inevitable.   Dave didn't have to wait long, and he got lucky. One of the larger roaches approached his ass, and one of the smaller ones crawled up his dick. Now Dave had once had a simultaneous orgasm with a woman, but when that large cockroach penetrated his butt, and the small one burrowed into his urethra, Dave blacked out with an orgasm so powerful, he didn't come around until he heard the knocking at the door.   There were roaches in his ass, roaches in his dick, semen on his belley and he didn't know what to do. It was as if there was some sort of wild beast in his body, controlling him. The knocking at the door became more insistant. Glancing at the clock on the bedside table, he noticed the time, 10:12.    Groggily lurching to his feet, crunching some errant cockroaches into a sticky paste, Dave called out to the door, "Who the fuck is it?!"    "Nancy." Was the reply.    Chapter 2 Moving towards the door, Dave clawed at the cockroaches that were covering his body. One particular roach had latched onto his nipple and drawn blood. As he brushed against it, he felt the familiar sticky wetness that only blood imparts. As his fingers squeezed and tugged against the roach, he felt the antennae brushing against his fingers, then his nipples, over and over again very quickly.   They felt like some alien tentacles trying to invade the pores in his body. Dave suddenly felt a revulsion that brought the bile from his bowels to his lips. He tensed his whole body, waiting for the familiar eruption that he imagined felt like a slugs guts as they were being popped out of its skin as a bicycle tire rolls over its body. Then abruptly, as if it suddenly realized the fingers about it were going to snuff out its small existence, the roach went completely limp and let go of Dave's body.   This caused the pressure in Dave to abate, but it left him changed; it was as if the slug inside of him had been distended and re-arranged, but not ejaculated onto the asphalt.  
  i think he does it all wrong.  if   i  had a minor case of tourette's syndrome, i would fake gigantic attacks all the time.  i would yell "MOTHERFUCKSHITHOLECRAPWEASELPENISFACE!" at people and they would give me cookies and puppies out of pity.  
  After almost slipping on the rainy pavement, I heard a voice behind me. "It's slippery out, honey. Be careful!" he said, patterns shaved into his eyebrows and cheap makeup coloring his pock-marked face. "I almost wasn't sure if I should wear these on my feet today." I looked back - he was wearing a pair of clear jelly shoes.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Sitting in a pub in London. Just got turned onto "shantys", fucking 12 point dark beer with "lemonade" (alcholic lemon soda. It's like drinking ginger ale with a kick. Especially when you get up to go to the head.  Damn near smacked my head on the ground.   
  Irony.  The kinkiest girl I ever met was a fellow tutor working at a volunteer literacy program run by nuns at a local convent.  We'd tutor various retards for 90 minutes, get blessed by the nuns, then 15 minutes later walk back to her apartment and 69 on her couch.  
  In middle school I remember going to the gym for the DARE program and seeing a slide show on std's.  I guess it was their way of intimidating out pre-pubescent bodies into mental and physical celibacy.    One slide stands out in my memory clearly:  A picture of a man's nutsack covered in massive yellow boils, or genital warts.  The instructor called him "William."  My friend, the same one I buried the porn with later in high school, and I found it so funny we couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the presentation.  Why?  We thought calling "William"-"Barnicle Bill" instead was the best joke ever conceived.    No one looked at us quite the same after that but I can tell you, good ol Barnicle Bill can still make me pee my pants laughing.  Thanks Bill, wherever you are, you bring humor to my life and remind how lucky it is to get laid.   
  Something that was in the paper, a guy was caught having sex with a chicken, and the first thing he said was "It was dark and I didn't know it was a chicken". I didn't know people had feathers and weighed less than 5Kgs. 8)   
  I can't remember if I was sneezing or laughing, but it happened while I was eating a tuna fish sandwich, so I ended up with bread and tuna up in my nose and the back of my nasal passages. Some came out, but most of it was just jammed up there, breathing was impaired. I tried blowing my nose into a tissue - some came out, but otherwise all that really happened was snot was trying to escape through my nose and getting entwined with the tuna. So then I did one of those throat pulls - schnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk - and boom it came back down into my throat, salty snot and tuna and bread all entwined into a small sticky ball which I held in my mouth for a moment before swallowing it.  Actually didn't taste that bad.  
  so one night my suitemate, a couple of friends and i decided to take topless pictures of ourselves.  some girls had props (a stuffed cat, a blow-up monkey) strategically placed in front of 'em, some sat on backward chairs to make it look like we were naked, one girl wore blue soccer socks.  i really wish i knew where that roll of film got off to.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on my way back from my friend's place in The City, which involved taking the train and then driving some 20 minutes.  We just had Thai takeout.  On the train I developed a need to shit, but the shitters in the station were closed because they're worried about terrorists.  So I had to wait for the train to arrive at my stop. And as I was getting into my car, the pressure became very great.  I was uttering a great groan every minute as I was driving back.  After several groans the pressure was so great I was in great fear of passing out and crashing my car, so I did the only sensible thing.  I started to overcome my toilet training. I would let a small bit leak out, then it will feel better for a minute, then I would have to let a bit more leak out. By the time I arrived at home my underwear was completely soaked brown, with small bits of turd here and there.  I was 26 at the time.  
  Finally realizing that the girl I loved was through with me, done, never to be heard from again, pretty crap.  But coming home to my rental and finding a playboy for the former tenant in my mailbox, well, the wonder of the universe may not do it, but free porn at a needed time, that'll make me believe in a higher power.    
  "have you ever played sexual trivia?" the woman asked us as we pored over her yard sale lot. we didn't answer her -- i was debating over whether or not to pick up the 1980s edition of 'how to win friends and influence people,' while jon was inspecting the atari 2600 at the end of the block. "oh, you two should totally try it," she exhorted. "i got 10 orgasms in 5 minutes!"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  So I am staying at "Blake's" a very posh hotel in West London where rock stars frequently stay. I asked a very very good friend to drop off something to smoke. So he put it in an envelope and left it for me at the front desk. "Envelope? What envelope?" say the smarmy fucker of a desk clerk has obviously pinched it.  Of course this a a rather awkward situation. I can't very well tell the cops, however, their rock-star clientele would be mondo upset if they knew the hotel was in the habit of pinching their stash. So be forewarned...trust and scrupuluousness are rapidly vanishing commodities.      
  I'd never been that drunk in my entire life, and I didn't even have a good reason for drinking. I drank because I was bitter and angry.  In one of the happiest places I've ever been, and in a place where I was happier than I've ever been, I drank, just to get drunk, and just because I was mad.  And just because I wanted to piss off my mother, who was way too drunk to notice I had even started drinking.  And I puked my guts out in the hotel room bathroom while my mother slept in her usual deep, drunken stupor, and she never noticed.  Does it get any lower brow than that?  
  i woke my roommate up with emphatic typing.  
  i was at Ozzfest, which is one big lowbrow moment. And after smoking some massive joints with the 14 year olds sitting next to us, but before system of a down came on...me and my friend went to visit the port-a-johns.  We got in line to wait. And this drunken asshole walks right up to one of the johns, starts pounding on the door, screaming...  "I know you're in there, you fuckin bitch"  "Git yo ass outta there right this second"  This guy was almost too drunk to stand up. and he keeps pounding and yelling for about 5 minutes. I was doubting that someone was even in the john.  Until this woman walks walks out, evidently his wife.  and following her...  A man, evidently his brother.  But even better.....the guy at the front of the line walked right into the tainted stall and shut the door.  
  I once hit it off at a party with this really cute 18 year old girl.  She actually said I was cool.  A while later, after a few more drinks, I gave her my number.  She said, "You know I'm only 18, right?"  I thought for a beat, and said yes.  She seemed to accept that answer and took my number. Surprisingly, she called about a week later, leaving a message on my machine.  More surprising is that I didn't call her back.  Not because she was almost 17 years my junior, but because she lived in South Orange County- over an hour away. Sometimes my capacity to be stupid surprises even myself.  
  I've had seven sexual partners, and faked orgasms with all but two.    
        sorry_e_e we know why you don't punctuate  your free hand is always in your pants   
  Rejection is having your hand fall asleep while you're masturbating.  This has never happened to me.  
  i'm more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar.  
  My fourth day at college.  It sucks so far.  My roomate disappears for hours on end, while I sit here, preferring to wait and meet people with whom I actually share interests, as opposed to participating in the lame "let's all tell complete strangers our whole life stories and become bestest pals!" orientation activities.   When they send you that survey they use to match you up with a roommate, they really should ask you to describe yourself: nerd, valley girl, jock, junkie, drunk. . . that way they wouldn't've paired me (geek) with a jock, and I wouldn't be sitting here alone wondering if there's a better way to route the Ethernet cable across the room.  Why the hell are both jacks on one side of the room anyway, when the desks are built-in on opposite sides?    So I sit here playing HalfLife and UnrealTournament, as I discover that the campus's net connection isn't all that reliable.  Did I mention that I came here because the University at home didn't have the major I wanted?  Oh, I was wrong about that.  Just found out.  They have exactly what I want.  That University?  Second most wired university in the NATION. SECOND.  The other university I was accepted to?  Number ONE.  I could be at home, close to friends and girlfriend, getting a BA in exactly what I want, with an awesome network, or 8 hours from home getting an MFA in exactly what I want, with an even more awesome network, but I'm here, getting a BA in not-wuite-what-I-want, with a disappointing net connection, waitng desparately for classes to start so I can actually DO something, and meet people.  17.5 hours until then.  
  Radiohead songs are REALLY depressing if you jerk off during them.  
  On my 15th birthday, my parents made the decision to readmit my 18 year old sister to rehab. Still, they thought it was necessary to sit at the table together, and do the cake & presents thing. My father sat, cold as stone, without saying a word. My sister bawled endlessly. And my mother sat with her wine, pretending that nothing happened. I got a blacklight that I put over my Green Day poster, and laughed a lot.  
  every now and then I beat off while thinking about the strangest chicks,,,  like,,,umm,,,Kathy Lee Gifford, or that chick who plays the Mom on Home Improvement...   what is that all about?      
    My ferret Willow, sometimes in her sleep makes squeaky toy noises.  But to my knowledge ferrets have no real sound they are known for.  No ferret bark or purr or chirp.  I know many people believe that dogs whine and dig in their sleep because they're recalling millions of years of passed down primordial behavior.  But if my memory serves me right, there was never a time when ferrets roamed the earth as lumbering, slobbering beasts that would devour as soon as look at you.  So what exactly is she remembering?  I recall no history chapter "Ferret: Messenger of Death." Willow the Layer to Waste?  Willow the Unforgiving?  Was her family once a part of some royal hierarchy of monster marsupials?  And if this is true, I don t know how I should feel as I lie sleeping at night. Safe and protected knowing that at the foot of my bed lies a despicable, monstrous killing machine in the body of a squiggly squirrel?  Or should I keep a knife under my pillow because of that very same fact?  Oh the comforts of owning a devil rat and living alone.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         And then I looked into the bowl, and mixed with everything else was my watch.  How important is time when all you have to do is flush?        
  "ow! that bloody hurts!"  "of course it hurts"  "well then, what's the trick?"  "the trick dear boy, is not MINDING that it hurts"        
  The older I get, the less inclined I am to touch   any   surface in public restrooms.  So, if you ever see a guy working the towel dispenser with his elbow, introduce yourself.  
  Video cameras are not as cool as you think... for example one night me and a bunch of friends decide to video ourselves smoking this FAT joint, about as big around as a quarter.  So the seven of us sit in this dome tent with the camera on the opposite side of the circle from the J, so you only could see who was currently smoking, and just hear everything else.  The next day Tom and I watched the tape...  We are the only two ever to do so...  Stoney ideas are great in the moment, but the harsh lens of the camera strips away all pretense...  Do we really sound like that when we're high?  
  Wow... what a weekend.....  After a heavy night of drinking and dancing I got home and passed out to sleep. I thought it was a top night out.  Only to find out the next day that during the top night out you went into McDonald with your mate and pleaded him not to leave you alone in line so loud that the entire store could hear you.  thats just one of the many things I don't remember about that night. I am sure that I shall find out more things that happend that I can't remember....    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "may the road rise up to meet you" say the irish but somehow the floor rises to meet me more often  
  "Of course I'm happy for you" I exclaimed, thinking to myself, you have selected a woman who's cheating on you you asshole.  "I hope all of you will be very happy lying to each other all the time"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Uncle Wayne may have been a drunk, good-for-nothing, imbecile, misogynistic, brutish, drunk (yes, I say drunk twice.  He was that drunk), halfwitted, piece-of-shit lowlife, but out of all of the retarded shit he has said, I have found one thing (but just one) to be true.  "Sonny boy," he said to me, his breath thick with Old Milwaukee, "Listen well.  Men tend to be really, really stupid motherfuckers, but every single woman on the face of the planet is crazy."  There it is.  Men are dumb but sane and women are smart but nuts.  Don't believe me?  Test it.  I dare you.  
        I made a lame comment, she replied by flipping me off.  I said "whoa I didn't think it deserved that" to which she replied "what did you excpect? a blowjob? you aren't getting one of those, let me tell you that much"  
  Last weekend was the first good weathered weekend of the spring. Numerous families were having garage sales in town, and my parents and I, the cheapskates that we are, had to hit all of them.  Mom's real enthusiastic about everything. She's the sweetest lady I've ever known. She just loves life. So, we're at this garage sale, and she picks up a vase or some piece of junk that we didn't really need. She "oooh"ed and "aahhh"ed in delight. "Look, honey! Isn't that so nice?!" she cried out with happiness. She just likes to have a good time.  The two twenty-something girls that looked like cheap rejects from the 80s working the garage sale snickered to each other and whispered behind their notebook about my mother.  If half the people in this world could have enthusiasm for life like my mom does...If half of the people in this world could find happiness in the simplest things...If those things rang true, then perhaps this world could be worth living for.         
  These hippies I used to hang out with had all kinds of roomates. We all worked at the same Mexican restaraunt. This one particular cat that moved in had that oh so smug attitude that he was better than all that. Unfortunately for all of us he wore shorts that wee way too small and he'd always have one of his nuts hanging out.  We used to call him Mr. Ballshot.  
  We were watching some show about WWII, and they were talking about this woman who was dating JFK then, and how she was Danish.  "Mmmm, Danish," my friend says.  "Hey, JFK was doing her," my other friend says, "Does that make her a Boston Creme-filled Danish?"  We laughed so hard, but then I realized it was a great joke with no one who would admit to thinking it was funny.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my brothers car crashed today, and the worst part is that i am swedish, and i was in the car when it happend...                   
  I danced on a 19 yr old german girl watched a 15 yr american girl dance on a 20 yr old german guy avoided eye and every other contact with the 17yr old swiss girl as she danced on the 23 yr old turk the 22 yr old avoided contact all evening had something going with an 18 yr old american tomorrow i'm taking the swiss girl to the train.  i hate spain   
  being the vain creature that i am, i occasionally take an electric razor and trim the hair that grows on the back of my neck. i usually need two mirrors to do so, one wall mirror and a smaller hand-held mirror.  the last time i did this, i had a little difficulty seeing through the cocaine and MDMA that caked the smaller mirror, but i was far too lazy to walk to the bathroom to wash it off.  
  OK, that's it. I stumbled across some porn on the Internet &#151;  how'd that happen?  &#151; and now I am in love with this girl. If I posted the pics to a bunch of newsgroups &#151; not just porno groups &#151; what do you think the chances are of finding someone who knows who she is? I hope she isn't already addicted to crack...  
  I was reading lowbrow moments and stumbled on one of my own, from several months ago.  I laughed.  I had forgotten.  It made me feel very grateful for my present unemployment.        
  Chicks around here have gone to wearing those hip hugger pants without underwear.  At first thought, it sounds cool.  But whenever one of them bends over and the top of their crack hangs out like a plumber, all I can think is "That's where the smell comes from."  
  Last week I changed the home page at on all the office computers to Lowbrow.com.   My boss came in and ask what the hell *this* was. I told him to spend 5 minutes on there.  Needless to say productivity has hit an alltime low. Moral on the other hand is way up.  Why is it so funny to laugh at other people?  
  I'm generally not an asshole, im a nice guy. But when that little fucking kid with that little fucking flute kept on making that little fucking noise... i didnt do anything because, like i said, im a nice guy   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What the fuck.  Every goddamn time I'm looking at porno in the computer lab, somebody comes in and sits next to me.    Every time this happens I can picture God laughing his ass off.  I guess he doesn't like people watching anal sluts getting punched in the face.    
  My mother took me to a triple feature at a drive-in theater. The first movie was the reason we were there, but completely escaped me. The second movie was There's A Man In My Soup starring a mostly naked Goldie Hawn. The third movie was Easy Rider.  That same summer I first saw pornography. A tattered magazine lying in a parking lot across the street from our apartment building depicted scenes of candle wax being dripped on various people's anus.  I was six years old.   This is who I am.  
  Wife's gone scrapbooking with friends. Plenty of wine and rum, cola or tonic. Some good porno's and lots of mags.  Fuck it, I'm to bored or lazy to spank the monkey....  I'll just have a beer and watch some Star Trek.  
  The refinement of it all.....  Kazaa v.1.03 You have downloaded 5 new files:             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         last night  got hammered at a local bar.  i left through the backdoor without paying and set off the alarm.  when i got to my car, my keyring was empty, meaning my keys had fallen off somewhere in the parking lot.  i grabbed the hide-a-key from under the back bumper and drove home badly.  i then slept in the backseat until daylight. i woke up and drove back to the bar parking lot to find my keys.  i found my car key first, which i now had two of, counting the hide-a-key.  i need the goddamn house key!  continue hunting for it.  take a big, open to the public, daylight piss in the parking lot.  found the house keys, drove home, called in sick to work and went to sleep.  i'll be getting a copy of my house key made today, and it will be stored in the car.  
  We'd been going out for 18 months, both of us in our first serious relationship, still only 16.  After months of patience, she finally returned the favour and built up the courage to go down on me.  So there we were, in front of my computer, on a swivel chair each. Her inexperienced showed, but I was still enjoying myself, obviously the build up meant it made it more exciting than it probably was.  I don't know why, but I wasn't paying as much attention to what was going on in the house as I usually do, probably because I was in a state of shock and disbelief that I was finally getting some.  I thought I heard something, but my mind went blank... Moments later, the door that we had left open, that I was facing, allowed a clear view of what was occuring to be presented to my sexually conservative mother.  Even that wouldn't have been so bad, if I didn't accidently make eye contact with her while my girlfriend had her lips wrapped around my boner.  I don't know who's expression displayed more shock. She ran off down the stairs to prepare for what later was a great big embarrassing lecture, for both of us.  I still waited a minute before I told my girlfriend to stop though. :)  We still leave the doors open, I just listen more now.  
  december 26th 2002  the day after christmas    ~ * ~   lowbrow set up: i haven't lived with my father since 7th or 8th grade. because i'm smart and got out quick. i hardly see the man, only on holidays - like christmas  the beginning: so i got to his house to exchange presents. i open mine. money and a cute little white and silver teddy bear. being the chick that i am - i think it's adorable. when i notice that it has a "try me" sticker. i press it, nothin happens. the blasted thing needs batteries. i put some in and press the "Try me" heart sticker once more. and the damn thing plays a christmas tune and  moves     ~ * ~   the lowbrow    my father's reaction: holy shit that thing moves? what in fucking hell... no wonder that fucking bear cost so damned much, christ... didn't know it could do that  ~ r   
  Contrary to popular opinion, happiness is in fact not a warm gun, but more aptly warm underwear fresh from the dryer.  
  I've never seen priest with a tattoo.  I wonder if the priesthood has automatically disqualifying factors.  
  I really can't believe half the crap on here, but here goes my "lowbrow" story:  I was kinda seeing this girl (well, regularly fucking this girl) and for her birthday this past December, she asked me for a "pearl necklace."  Well, I gave her one.    I just always thought that was just a goofy thing guys liked to do TO a girl, not FOR a girl...weird...  
  me: wanna do my homework for me? her: sure what is it. me: variable length subnet masks her: can I sit on your face while i'm doing it?  
  I am a well educated, intelligent, liberal, easy-going, peace-loving guy.  Does it seem strange then that when I hang out with my best friend for years and years we often end up blasting things (like a plastic lunchbox in the shape of Jar-Jar Binks' head, or a pumpkin patch, or a stack of newspapers) with shotguns?  
  i loved him from afar all throughout high school... he probably knew, just didn't care.  i was the invisible girl who had a bad perm and would watch USA up all night on the weekends for lack of a social life.  5 years after graduation, we met up one night and got blisteringly drunk and ended up naked.  it was great, a night of dreams coming true.    the next day, i realized his hangover was much much worse than mine.  it seems like a small thing even now, but something about the fact that he couldn't hold his liquor very well shattered the mystique.  suddenly, he was just a human being again, and everything was different.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I've made a mental note to myself that if I'm still alive on her 82nd birthday, I'm gonna find her and fuck her up the ass.   "Now that's true love and dedication. "  Notice he didn't say if they're both still alive.  That is dedication.  
  So I think I'm the coolest guy in the parking lot after the bar closes and I sit down in a borrowed Mercedes with a coulpe of girls. I am delivering the car to the rightful owner Monday.  I hear a tap on the window.  me "Did I do something Officer." cop "Shut up and get out of the car." cop "You sold drugs to those guys." me "What!" "I don't think so!" cop "We got a smart ass gentlemen."  click-click  Backseat of police cars are not comfortable.  Right out of a FUCKING movie I would'nt of believed it if my life dependend on it.  Never knew the guys the police were talking about. Sat in a jail cell for ten hours thinking I had been arrested for drugs. Photo and prints, I am then told I have been arrested for public intoxication.  I swear to GOD this is not exagerated or stretched.  I had sold the car that day and wanted to be a bad ass driving it around.  This was right out of a Fucking movie.  Wrong place Wrong time.  $500.00 bond $95.00 car impound One night in JAIL    (PRICELESS)      
  Waiting for the line to move along so I could pull into the drive-thru, I noticed a minivan two cars up suddenly hit the brakes, causing the car behind it to come to a screeching halt, with me next just barely missing rear-ending it. I could see the driver of the minivan hunched over the wheel, so I jumped out of my car, thinking he was injured (because you never want to miss a chance to be a hero or witness real carnage). Turns out he was laughing hysterically. When we all ran up to save him, he pointed and howled happily out the window at the freaky bag lady who wears a towel for a cape rubbing her ass on the telephone pole to scratch it. Not a one of us bitched him out for the near-accident. You can't fault a man for finding others' lowbrow behavior funny.   
  The husband and I are sitting on a bench in the mall killing time before the movie, and we play the game of counting fat skanky women, getting a point for whichever of us notices her first.  "Blue tank top... 5 points" "Red sundress... 6 points" After a while, a voice speaks up behind us- "Yellow shorts, 1 point for me". We turn and look at a little man shaking his head and smiling. "I ought to get more, I married the cow." We let him win.  
  I was eating cereal one morning and had a mighty cold.  I sneezed and a big wad of snot went into my milk.. I saw it there floating at the top.  I drank it anyway. Hey, it came from me anyway..    
  Sure its a bitch, and it makes it take like 3x as long. But its kind of a nice feeling when the teller at the bank needs someone else to initial your pay cheque because its over his limit.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm about 16, living with my father and step-mother.  My dad has a medical convention in New York City.  My step-mother says it'll be fun; we'll sight see during the day while dad is at the meetings.  Cool with me.  So the first day in NYC, we have breakfast and then out into the city.  The first one or two things we see are in walking distance.  After that I suggest we take a cab.  My step-mom says it's too expensive and besides, she "knows New York City like the back of her hand because I lived her for a while."  Ok, fine with me.   So we're looking for the Empire State Building and she has the map and is leading the way.  Well, 30 minutes pass, then 45.  Still walking, she looks at the map, "Oh, this way."  I am digging NYC, but I'm also 16 and getting impatient.  I say, "Why don't we ask someone or just take a cab?"  She is NOT paying for a cab.  She is certain of how to get there.  So, off we go for another 30 minutes, 45 minutes, and I've about had it.  We should have been there by now.  I ask to see the map.  She stops, I look at it...and see that she has been reading it UPSIDE DOWN.   Grand Central is across the street.  Step-mother concedes and we get a cab from there.    
  "You hit Jesus with a marshmellow!" Cea to Drew  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is a girl I hang out a lot with, often at her request. Sometimes I think about banging this girl, or asking her out on a date. Usually the time I start to have these thoughts, she will tell me a story about some dude that asked her out, and say "the ego on him..." So usually I just listen to her stories and get no sex. Dammit.  
  Bathtub Jim's Wimmin Stories # 1:  "I was about to fuck this girl, and she said, 'No, no, I don't want to get pregnant!' So I says, 'Well, then, it's up the ass for you!'"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was walking upstairs to check on my 14 year old brother, to see if he was asleep. I open the door, and to my horror, there he was, wide awake, treating his body like an amusement park. I shut the door as fast as possible.   What the hell do you do in this situation?   Obviously we're both embarrassed...he flew out of the room like 5 minutes later all frantic and tried to play it off like i didn't catch him beating it.   The only thing I could think to say to maybe have him think I didn't see it was, "Dude, I'm sorry I walked in while you were scratching your BALLS!"   I think I'll knock next time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Damm I'm horny. I think I'll fuck my friend's mom.  
  I've named them Upper and Lower Egypt.  I don't know why, except that she wears only silver.  Except that she glows with lights of accumulated heat.  Except that in her eyes I feel lost for centuries.  Except that her kisses would drive any Pharoah mad with envy.  Upper and Lower Egypt.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  My wife has taken up the hobby of raising orchids. She even has a couple at work.  Finally, one of them blooms. Later that day she keeps feeling queasy. She thinks maybe it's the fragrance of the orchid. So she asks a co-worker to smell it. she immediately pops off, "That smells like semen."  My wife told me later that's why she felt sick, she hates the smell of cum.  
  "How much seminal fluid can that girl hold??"  
  I think the internet would have given Joe McCarthy a bloody heart attack. grin        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If I throw enough $#!+  against Lowbrow, some of it is bound to stick.  
  I have all these voicemails saved from my mom  when's she's drunk and it's 2 or 3am,  and she's doing this voice that sounds eerily like Satan,  just so I can let my future kids understand what a psychotic, bipolar, alcoholic bitch she really is.  God I love my mom.  
  to assist with a tygr rant walking into a gas station after the monte went belly up and the dood behind the desk exchanges the hows and whys of the process of screwing me outta all of my cash after that he says hey man you in a band the locks were long at the time and i asked him why and he said cos of the hair ok heres the deal as i see it most doods with really long hair either are or were in a band so the assumption is a logical one to all but those with long locks        
  Once when I was little I shit myself and the crap rolled down my leg and into my jellies (anyone remember those)...well my mom found out and told me that if I ever shit on my shoes again, she'd never buy me another pair of jellies again. This led to my habit of promptly removing my shoes when I felt a shit coming on.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            True conversation between my roommate and myself.   Him: "Hey, why does it smell so bad in here?"  Me:  "Let's just say I accidentally set something on fire."  Him: "Like what?"  Me: "Goddamn dude, quit asking so many questions. Let's just agree that a lot of paper went up in flames and leave it at that."  He turned and left.  
  sitting on the bathroom sink with this gorgeous boy's head in my crotch lapping me up like there's no tomorrow and his girlfriend's knocking on the door wondering what the hell's going on in there...  and all i can think is "shit, i'm being eaten out by one of the posies in jim courier's bathroom. what parallel dimension am i in?"  
  Once, I talked a whole class of third graders into believing that they had learned the alphabet wrong. I told them it was "lnmop", not "lmnop". I had them sing the alphabet song wrong a couple of times to be sure they got it.  Not unlike Socrotes, I corrupt the young...  
   Asbestos  Summer job. I love it. Mostly out in the fields early with dew on the ground and a pick and shovel in my hands, digging trenches. After the first week, my muscles stop aching, my bleeding hands get covered with hard calluses, and I can swing and swear with the best of them. Then we have to work in a school basement for a couple of days, fixing some pipes. The pipes are insulated with this loose material, that comes apart easily and floats in the air thickly. Me: "SHIT! This is white asbestos!" Foreman: "Aye, it is. What th' fuck are you goin' tae do aboot it? Stop breathing? You'd maybe prefer to be on the dole, laddie?" I'm making awful good money. I decide that I'd prefer to keep working, but I stop breathing for the next two days...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving around with a friend through an industrial zone when I noticed an agricultural type smell.  I said, "I didn't think there was a rendering plant or stockyard around here."  She got quiet, and rolled her window down.    I swear I didn't think it was her - it was rank in a different way.      
  the meek shall inherit the earth, but first they'll get stomped on by the bold.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day I was riding my bike through the park when a strange man started riding next to me and asking me questions.  After several attempts to move away from him he kept following me, so I picked an open area and decided to talk to him for a couple minutes and maybe he'd leave.  Well a couple minutes turned into an hour.  At times the topics turned to masturbation and other perverse things, and at one point I was asked if I wanted him to bring some pornographic magazines for us to look at.  I don't ride through that park much anymore...  
  Twice I have gotten a fortune cookie that says, "You and your WIFE will be happy in life."  Funny. I thought I was a heterosexual female. Does this cookie know what I do not?   
  in my room with my girlfriend, and the phone keeps ringing. over and fucking over, and ofcourse always at the worst time.  finaly i pick up and instead of it bein a call for my mom or my sis, its some fucker tryin to sell me a fucking satilite dish.  i scream FUCK YOU IM TRYING TO FUCK MY GIRLFRIEND HERE GOD DAMMIT! and hang up  they havent tried calling back, and had better not  i fucking hate salesmen  
   Have you ever contemplated the implications of having a bitch for a boss, while smoking pot riding a bicycle backwards downhilll?       
                  The commited Drunk  A man rolled his pickup 12 times down a hill and landed upside down.  The engine started on fire, and he was unconcious for about half an hour.  I arrived on the scene to see that he was still holding his unspilled beer and he was still unconcious.  We took pictures and hung them up in the fire house.  We can all learn a little from him...i dont know what but im sure we can.  
  as the girl talked to me on the bus "my stepdad used to be my uncle, but i bet you can't guess how old my mother was when she got pregnant!" taken by surprise i replied with "20?" "fifteen" she said. "and then he got arrested for stealing car stereos" lengthy pause "they don't let him own guns anymore" fucking hick  
  I learned everything I ever needed to know about American politics from reading Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i know you've been wondering all your life..... What do restaurants do with all those bread ends? Well, at one Best Western Restaurant I worked in, we threw them all in a big plastic bucket under the toaster. Saved everything for those days we did turkeys with stuffing.  But that wasn't very often, and in the interim the bucket would overflow. So we would just stomp it down w/ our greasy, gravely, squished food covered shoes. I don't eat out very much anymore.  
   Hudson River Tales #18 Port is Red. Starboard Is Green.  (Just a short one. I promise.) 3am, narrow stretch of the river. We have a tow down with about two minutes to go before we pull it back on board. Gorgeous, quiet Autumn night. Stars and planets wheeling above us. Moon just setting. The planet Mars shining brighter than ever... Me: "I've never seen Mars shine quite that bright and red, before." John: "It  is  really bright tonight ...  Holy fuck! What's that GREEN planet?"  Green planet - Nope. Mars - Nope. Navigation lights of an 80,000 ton car transporter bearing directly down on us at 20 knots - yes. We know exactly what to do. Skedaddle sideways as fast as possible. Oh, but we are towing thousands of dollars of research gear that would take a long time to get on board! But that is exactly why we always keep a big pair of bolt-cutters hanging right next to the towing cables...  
  So, I'm 17 and knew nothing of girls. A twist of fate and a growth spurt left me reasonably attractive and driving a new convertible Mustang. (thanks Mom and Dad!) This girl I know tells me she would like to have a menage a trois with me and her roommate. Sounded like fun, but I had no idea what it meant.  We ended up out in the woods looking at the stars and they both jumped on me. I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on, so hopped on the one with bigger tits and snubbed the other one. I mean, can't she wait her turn? The next day I'm describing the scene to my buddy, who tells me I'm full of shit. I ask him what "menage a trois" means anyway. He laughs and tells me. I have never felt more stupid.  
  I'd like to wash a dollar, just to wrap it on my dick while fucking a girl.  Then I can give someone a fucking dollar.  
  i keep trying not to drink the last of this bottle of   wine  i keep picking it up and then putting it back down.  but it'll win out. eventually.  it'll win out.     there's another bottle on top of my bookshelf.  
  i have this thing on my web browser called hotbar. it allows me to put nice pics on the top of my browser window. it also categorizes websites. it offers links of similar content to whatever page i am viewing.   when surfing through here, it compares lowbrow to performing arts, ballet, visual arts, and theatre. i NEVER would have imagined...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in junior high, I was a nerd.  Still am, but that's besides the point.  In junior high, I was a library aid-we were taught how to check books in and out.  We reshelved books, kept the library clean, etc...  I was a nerd, but I was a vindictive one.  If someone pissed me off, I'd check a book out under their name, and hide it somewhere that it would not likely be found.  So the person would rack up late fees, and wouldn't know it until the library sent them a notice, or they came to check out a book.  I miss those days.  
     a room at the hilton colon costs more then most people make here in a year   but after a week in the jungle and a few days in banos i was tired and  sick   and cold and all i wanted was a really hot bath and a big, soft bed with   sheets that didn't smell worse than i did.        as soon as i checked in i turned on the hot water and ordered a  cheeseburger   and a coke and three scoops of chocolate ice cream from the phone in the   bathroom.  the food arrived as soon as i emerged red and wrinkled from the   tub and i sat naked and wet and warm on my king sized bed and ate my   cheeseburger and watched alley mcbeal because it was the only thing in   english and i was actually a little upset that billy died.        it was then that i came to the embarassing conclusion that sometimes its   nice to just take our ball and go home so i pampered myself for the rest  of   the evening with the sauna and the pool and the steam bath and a nice  dinner   and a phone call from home came at the exact moment it needed to and i  felt   loved and appreciated and safe and warm and i walked downstairs and won  the   cost of the room back at the casino and i took another bath and then fell   asleep in the arms of a woman who was and is tens of thousands of miles  away   and the last thing i remembered was a quiet thought that slowly said, "for   the first time in weeks,  you are truly at rest."      this morning i awoke to myself and the new york times and i walked like a   king into the dining room of the nicest hotel in quito and i ordered a  plate   of eggs and some pineapple and a coffee and wrote this:      i am eating with the enemy        and it might be me.      and this is the end goal of it all with people litterally thinking they  own   people and maybe we do in a sick little way and i overhear us bitching   about air conditioning and hot water when most of the world can barely   breathe and i spent 4 hours in latacunga looking for a hot shower and none   was to be found so i left and came here and what a tragedy we have become   and a redneck   idiot form virginia points out a woman on the street he thinks he "fucked"   but he's not sure because "they all look the same" and he's lying because   he's the ugliest person i've seen in a year and the only thing worse than   him is the fact that i'm here but i can leave and shake my head and look  at   the floor and say "goddamn" very quietly and under my breath when i think  of   this but he's got it tougher than anyone because he has bathed in wealth  and   dined on oppression his entire ridiculous life and changing that would be   like someone taking away both of my legs and giving them to carl lewis and   maybe the reason i'm here today   is so that i can cherish my abitlity to leave like i always have but today   there there is a difference in the simplest of notions that the goal of a   travel   might be that of a good life; that wherever we go, we affect and are  effected   as honestly as possible   because the company here sucks, but the coffee is fucking great.      j.t.c.   quito, ecuador   5-22-00                                                
  Her boss was talking to her but she wasn't listening. Her concentration was, instead, focused on the door of the bathroom, which held one stall and was always ful, since it serviced about 50 employeesl. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, every sense focused on the inevitable creaking of the door's hinges. She would win the race this time, oh yes.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  It's my Senior year of highschool. Our teacher is informing us about our 18th century literature test we had the following day.  On the board she writes:  "18 c.lit. test..."  Obviously, us guys in the class saw her mistake quickly and had a quiet and private laugh amongst ourselves.  A short while later the girls caught on. Our teacher never did find out what we thought was so funny.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Was reading about heroin today.  On top of the supposed euphoria it provides, it also diminishes appetite.  Things are bad when you're considering heroin as a weight-loss method.  I only want to lose 10 pounds.  Jesus Christ.  
  In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  I started taking an aerobics class with my sister.  The instructor told us to do these pelvis exercises while laying down.  Like thrusting up and down over and over again while on your back.  I was getting all into this exercise and the instructor is going around the room making sure everyone is doing it right.  She gets to me and is a little disturbed because I was doing them "too fast."  She told me I needed to slow down.  I was just trying to practice two things at once...damn, maybe this isn't the right class for me.  
  Easter, 2003  My mother bought a wind-up chicken, that shits out jellybeans.  Yay for Jesus!  
  Stall graffiti at Swift Hibernian's on 4th Street:  My mother made me a lesbian. Send her some yarn and she'll make you one too.  
  So I started talking to this woman, just the small talk crap that makes the awkward silences go away and I found out she loves to read lowbrow and posts all the time. I asked her what her lowbrow email name was and she wouldn't tell me. Then it became my mission to  A. attempt to remember every  lowbrow moment I had ever read, B. talk to her for as long as she would allow in the hopes of her leaking something that was revealed in said remembered moments C. start talking about another moment I had read from her so she thought I was empathetic and D. seduce her into bed and please her orally until my face looked like a glazed donut.         
  Am I the only skinny guy who finds chubby girls sexy?  If I like them, than why do I always get rejected by them? Do I make them feel bad?  
    so man, what are you up to tonight?   (well, i thought i'd read lowbrow moments for a couple of hours, then go to my room, smoke some weed, listen to radio head, and wonder why i don't have a girlfriend)   "i dunno, probably nothing"     
  the hamster wouldn't fucking stop running. it was like the thing was training for the 10k or powering the northside with electricity. luckily, cats are more persuasive then yelling vulgar phrases at a rodent.  
  So I'm talking to my girlfriend via AIM, all the while browsing lowbrow.  I get a Limbo moment that I think she'd like, so a quick ctrl c ctrl v later and she's reading away. (The hunting moment, for the curious)  she:  aww poor deer she:  Annie sounds kinda like me ha ha  me: Yeah, but Limbo isn't anything like me, except for the talkative, storytelling, and charming part.  she: you aren't charming! she: you're a jerk to everyone!  me:  but in a charming sort of way!  Sheesh, after five years I guess I shouldn't expect her to let me get away with such an outrageous claim, but somehow it's never comforting to hear from your girlfriend that you are a jerk to everyone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This guy wanted to have sex again.  So he asked me if he was the last person I slept with, which had been at LEAST a month ago.  I told him yes of course...cough cough.  He asked me how many condoms I had.  So I told him I had at least two left. He said "the last time we fucked, you said you just bought a new pack...so wouldn't you have 11 left?"  Whoops.  I had forgot I told him that.  So I said "Um yes,  that's what I meant."  (Great lie eh?) So he comes over and I'm all worried that he's going to count how many are left, which by the way...there were only two left.  And here's the ironic part...we fuck, he doesn't use a condom at all, instead he pulls out.  So the next day I get nervous I'm pregnant and have to go get the morning after pill.  50 fucking bucks I'll never see again.  Thanks a lot you jealous asshole.  
  Saturday, my friends and I all went to this place out in the country called "Hamilton Pool."  It was sort of a natural lagoon, beautiful place.    Some kids were splashing all around us, and it was pissing me off.  Finally, after a face full of water, I yelled,   "All right, little kid-"  in that threatening tone.   Now all my friends think I'm going to be an awful mother.    Fuck them.  And that little kid.  
  Why as a society are we so proud by the quantity of liquor we can drink? If you can put down 12 beers, you're more of a man than can put down 10.  But why?  Basically if you're a "light weight" it only means you can get your buzz faster, and cost less money.  I remember my days in the fraternity, always competing to see who could down the most beers. Those contests ended with more than a few guys passed out on the floor.  Such a waste of good beer. Not to mention brain cells.  
  Me and two of my friends were at a McDonalds drive through. we were talking about how funny it would be if they fucked up and gave us some one else's order instead of ours (a burger, two fries, and a soda). sure enough, they gave us two double cheese burgers and three fries. when we tried to tell them their mistake, they forced two sodas on us.  we drove away happy men that night.  
  He asked if I could spare a dollar, and I stared ahead and continued to walk.  He was always there, so it wasn't going to any good cause.  I had even given him money on my way to work on numerous occasions.  I just didn't want to anymore. He started to follow me, shouting obscenities.  He yelled that just because I had a hot ass didn't mean the world belonged to me.  Just because I was pretty didn't mean that shit might not happen to me. I turned and asked him how he got those glasses. "Medicaid," he responded. "Your welcome," I told him, and walked off.  
  i haven't had sex in over two years. two years... that's 730 plus days. now you know why i cut you off on the freeway.  
  I had the unfortunate luck to have my mom as my 9th grade english teacher. Now this was at a time when I was doing drugs but didn't have any drug knowledge(ie. a PDR)or any fucking common sense.  This cat had some FAT red soft-gel caps that he had swiped from his mom. He was selling them for fifty cents, so i figured, hey, 2 ought to do the trick. So I dropped them right before english class.  Turns out the damn things are fucking 500mg placidils.....Jesus fucking christ on a crutch. I OD'd in my mom's class. couldn't control any of my movements. Think about the worst drunk ever and top that off with paralysis.  Well the next hour was her "planning" period and she didn't have any students. So she took me home, dropped me on the couch, and went back to school.  I was coming around just about the time she got home. I told her I had smoked a bunch of weed and drank some homemade wine.  We never spoke of it again.  
        After leaving the movie theater at 1:30a.m. my friend spoke to me thusly, and I quote:  "Look Bill, this is Italian, it comes from Germany"  My other friend and I laughed so hard we nearly pissed ourselves.  
  i was at some party once, frying up all the bacon i could find in the fridge, when the host (someone i didn't know) came in looking real pissed and complaining that he'd just spilled bong water on his pants.  there it was, a big, slightly discoloured wet mark on his jeans. i said 'relax, we've all gotten a bit of BH 2 O on ourselves once or twice.'  'no, you don't understand,' said a girl next to me. 'he's been using the same bong water for a long time.'  'yeah,' says he, 'i haven't changed it in about a year. see?' i looked, and recoiled at the mouldy brown semi-liquid and its unbelievably repulsive smell.  i think he had to throw out the pants. the bacon just didn't taste the same after that.  
  a short precursor to the moment:  so sanford has recently come out with a new permanent marker called the liquid sharpie.  the ink in the marker is stored in liquid form (as opposed to a small sponge), and you can see how much ink is left because the shaft of the pen is transparent.  the shaft of the liquid sharpie is about 50% thicker than the regular sharpie marker, and is also tapered at both ends.  this makes it perfect for using as a dildo.  i am very tight when it comes to 'internal measurements', and most toys prove to painful.    so my moment:  we're talking in the car on the way home about how some people like the smell of gasoline and others don't.  we get home and he sees the marker sitting in my cup of pens by my computer.    "oh! some people really like the smell of permanent markers, i am definately one of those people!" he declares.  before i had a chance to say or do anything he grabs the marker and starts to sniff it.    "mmmmm... this one is great!"  if you only knew, ben... if you only knew.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was on SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) I couldn't get hard, but there was more than enough pussy coming my way.  Now I'm on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics - but I can get hard, no problem.   I haven't gotten laid in so long that I look forward to falling asleep, just in case I have a dream about sex.  
  A friend recently told me I was the "Gilligan's Island" of getting laid.  Something always goes wrong.  But hey, on the bright side, I always wear a hat. ;)  
  in college, my friends and i went to a lecture given by Barry Williams, better known as Greg Brady. Afterwards there was photo session. i had one pic just greg and me, and another with all the girls and greg. he seemed to be pretty upset about the fact that the film needed to be wound between takes. after we stepped down from the stage kelly yelled "you just pissed off a brady!" i looked back and asked "did i just piss you off?" he said "no, i'm just tired"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a particular sore spot regarding parking behaviour.  I hate people who stalk me to get my parking space. I hate people who honk at me to hurry up and vacate a space. I hate those morons who park astride two spots because they think their car is special. And I particularly hate those stupid spots "reserved" for mommies. No one told you to breed, take your parking chances like the rest of us. I carry a basket in my back seat with gardening equipment in it, a dainty wicker container with a small hand trowel and a tiny clawed hoe.  I've never gardened in my life, but they are the handiest things imaginable for scratching out my frustrations on fools who fuck with me in the parking lot.  If it ever becomes legal to carry a gun in the car, I am so in trouble.  
  how much is taking a dump worth to you?  to me, it's worth $4.52  right when the chick got to my house, i realized i had to shit.  but she wanted to play.  she won.  we played.  for a long time.  i tried hard to contain my flatulence and surpress my urge to poop.  she was giving some amazing head, and i didn't want to ruin the moment.  when she's done, i'm still trying desperately to figure a way out of this.  i mean, after all that, i can't just go excuse myself and an extremely foul shit in my crapper.  not if i ever wanna get any from her again that is.  so i tell her i'm hungry, and we drive to burger king.  i order a whopper meal ($4.52) and take a shit while i'm waiting.  she thinks i'm just washing up from our romp.  i'm stealth.  how much is a dump worth to you?  
  Lefty,  I'da sent you that Zagnut like you asked but the cat set fire to the mule. I knew I had to scram only the fire marshall told me I was too much like his cousin Pete and he whopped me upside the metacarpal. I thought about this thing about a ham too but now I can't remember it straight. I shall be willing to depart the cliff in any regard.   In the event of my passing please notify the curb.   - Morty   
  Again this one isn't mine, it came from a guy who came to my apartment once and left us scratching our heads with this following story.  This kid was a real bastard when he was in Junior High and he got in trouble for *something*.  But instead of giving him in school detention in a classroom they put him in the special ed room with a divider seperating him from the rest of the class.  He had to sit there all day listening to the retards having class and making cookies and doing whatever they normally do.  No one could see him so this guy got bored and started to masturbate!  He went on for a little while realized what he was doing and stopped.  Normally this would not be something most people talk about but this guy basically tells everyone he meets.  He has also shit in pizza boxes and left it in his friends car on more than one occasion.  This guy needs to come over more often.  
  Stupid kid nobody likes shows up to my party. I didn't invite him, he came with a group of boys I know. He's about 5 ft. tall, and has hair like the lead singer from NIN. He works at a computer game store and goes on and on about anything animated or having to do with computer games.  Anyway, the kid had been over a couple times. He's always talking about how he used to be a big drinker. Yeah. Right. Not that it matters, if he'd said he didn't drink much, we'd respect that.  So we decide that we'll get him smashed. We go round for round every 15 minutes with him on vodka shots. Of course, he's the only one drinking vodka, the rest of us are drinking water in our shot glasses.   He has ...who knows how many shots... commenses vomitting on my furniture, my carpet, and even clogs the toilet. White, thick, milky puke.   Karma gets me every time.  
  I was sitting on a bench with some friends in my hometown, after thursday's farmer's market.  We had just picked up a few cds, whatever, when a random, odd-looking man with wild eyes and tattered clothes walked by, holding a few bags.  "What's up?" greeted my friend Molly.  The man feverishly spun around, dropped his bags, and clasped my shoulder with an iron grip.  "What did you just say?  'What's up doc?'"  I sat there, stunned, and stammered out something like "I didn't s-say.. anything..."  However, the madman would have none of this, and he immediately started jabbering about what an incredible thing it was for me to say "what's up, doc."  I didn't even say anything.  He pulls out some "fancy radishes," as he calls them, hands them to me, thanks me for the most profound experience of his life, and then skipped off.   We didn't go anywhere near those radishes.  
  In high school I once trumped my female friend in an insult match with, "I hope you never get pregnant, cuz the horns would tear your uterus."  I thought it was a potent and quotable zinger, and apparently so did she some years later when she unsolicitedly recalled the story for my new girlfriend's parents.  
  Have I told this story before? I can't remember but I have yet to see it skimming the Brow-  As kids, my twin sister and I would trim our tonails by peeling them off (Just the long part, not the whole toenail mind you.) and dropping them behind the dresser we shared. We did this for years. When we moved there was a substantial pile of dried out toenails behind the dresser. Dad discovered our "stash" when he lifted the dresser to take it out of our bedroom.  
  we were at little t's, waiting for our food. i slamed my fist on a fork and it shot across the room. i screamed at my roomate: "my god man, that behavior is totally inappropriate! have you no regard for manners? damn... this isn't north dakota, for christ's sake!" he, like the rest of the restaurant, just stared at me. unprovoked outbursts fucking rule.  
  Ok, so were at this party and everyone is drinking.  We are on the second floor of an apartment building just hanging out having a good time.  One of my friends was outside the house because he did not want to breath in the thick wall of marijuana smoke that filled the room(he had a job that tested for drugs).  Anyways, I go outside and stand next to him to keep him company.  All of a sudden the door to the apartment flew open and some douche that was unreasonably trashed ran out without his shirt off.  He had a cigarette and a beer in his hand.  He went directly across the outside balcony where my friend and I were standing and went over the railing.  We rushed to see what happened!  We looked over and he was lying on some guys car hood and had totally smashed it in.  Following the back-braking experience, he got up, picked up his beer can, found his cigarette and took a puff.  He walked off as if nothing had happened.  
  I sit at my computer basically from the time i wake up (around 3 PM) to the time i go to sleep (about 5 AM). I rarely go out. maybe 2 days a week, and it is either to an internet cafe or with my GF. Actually, my gf and i usually stay in. I usually eat microwaved food or something. To cut back on dirty dishes, i use paper plates. When im done, i put them on the floor next to me. The pile of rotting leftover food scraps stays there until the pyramid like structure reaches about halfway up my computer. On the other side is my empty soda can area. I get at least 20 cans there before i decide to take them to the kitchen. This is my life.  
  I remember asking my dad what an oxymoron was.   He told me it was: "a guy so so stupid he forgets to breathe."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Let's face it, the word "vomit" is very sophisticated. It makes barfing an art form.  
  If I think a guy is interested, I'll let him do nice things for me but make it clear that I'm not interested. I figure if all they're interested in is sex, they can't fault me for being as selfish as they are.   The sad part is, all the guys who do this are really nice.   
  I don't know who I feel worse for:  LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com for seemingly becoming a human spittoon...  or  The thousands of guys who risk life and 'limb' answering her booty call...  or  Me for never having gotten 'the call'.  
  Lowbrow made me laugh until I nearly puked. Well, a post from some self-righteous pseudo-poet, taking some girl to task about her post, on moral grounds... c'mon, dude. Think about where you are.  Moral grounds indeed.  
  Slipping slightly on the bar mat, she spins around, looks for me on thedark, wondering why I didn't pick up my $1.25.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  What starts with F and ends with UCK?  Fuck.  Tell that one to your friends who have heard the firetruck version, it'll throw em for a loop.  
   My aunt gave me $15 in 76 gas station gift certificates for Christmas.    I think she got them as compensation after one of their pumps wouldn't turn off and got gas all over her coat and shoes.    I'm going on vacation tomorrow and need gas to get to the airport, so I thought I'd use the certificates today, thereby saving some real money for my trip.    I live in a small town, so I went out of my way to go to the only 76 station in town.    I felt very proud of myself for putting said gift certificates to such wise use, for planning and strategizing so well.    ...until, after I'd pumped almost $10 worth, I realized I had, out of habit, swiped my check card and was already paying therewith.    Anyway, I still have these 76 gift certificates.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one time i had the runs and i had to vomit at the same time...like absolutly had to, projectile coming out both ends...  so i sat on the toilet crapping and puked into the sink, laughing hysterically cause i thought it was that damned funny....  and i was sober too.  
  I was walking down the steps of my school today during break to head to the store.  There were two girls sitting on the steps.  As I hit the last step the force of my foot caused me to let go of the gas I was holding in.  I had my headphones on so I'm not sure, but it felt like a pretty noisy one.  I smiled to myself and kept on walking.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friends and i were golfing for fun when john, the funniest guy i've ever known, farts and then proceeds to pull a small turd from his underwear and spikes it on the green. do i need to add we all pissed ourselves laughing?  
  After one year of begging for sex, my virgin bf finally capitulates and slips it in while I'm talking dirty. It surprises me, but I go for it.  Afterwards, laying there in the afterglow, he whimpers, "I broke a promise."  "To whom?" I ask.  "To God," he moans.  We broke up soon after.  ~puck~  
  I remember back when I had dial up (kisses cable modem), going online took so much time I usually only did it for something important, like jerking off to internet porn.  It got so that those sounds of the modem logging on would give me a hardon.  I am the Pavlovian poster boy.  
  I looked up in horror just in time to see the retiree-smellimg of mothballs-throw his wheelchair into high gear and proceed to run me over.  When I finally sat up he was yelling at me.       
  Today, put your best foot forward.  If you're not sure which of your feet is your best foot, cut one off.  Then it doesn't matter.       
  I have lived in the same place for the last 5 years.  My landlord is a terrible alcohalic.  Some months, when I send in my rent, I subtract 5 dollars from the total of the previous month.  I started paying $735. Im now down to $520.    
  armed with super-soakers and a hankering for excitement, we walked into a crowded waffle house and opened fire on the patrons and staff. one of the waitresses yelled "get back here, motherfucker!" a man who had his cigarette blasted out of his mouth and into his face made chase in his van, but we lost him in a subdivision.  
   Limbo, our of control  As in totally out of control. No limits whatsoever. I take my boy Wig down to the sports bar to play pool. He beats me regularly, but I have to use the cue ball, while he doesn't. Then he settles down to play video games on the touch-screen computer. He's damn good. I have a great relationship with the cute young barmaid, but tonight I push it to the limit, and perhaps beyond. After asking her all the usual stupid questions, like: "I don't suppose you mind being ogled, since it comes with the territory?", I ask her for her panties. She: "I don't wear any. I hate the damn things." Me: "Are you  serious ? Can I have your jeans?" She laughs and walks away, her ass-cheeks tightly wiggling as she goes. Next is an incredible young shy brunette, who comes in with her boyfriend to play pool. My boy is totally happy, posting the high scores on all the video games. I slap him five as I walk by to the pool table. I stare directly at them, but the guy doesn't notice me. His pool-mates do, and we laugh together. I walk around and sit on the table. He finally notices me. Me: "Yes, I could definitely take you down". He: "????" Me: "I want your woman. She's mine. If I have to go through you first, that's OK with me." The silly young gorgeous girl flushes with excitement, but I keep my eyes locked on him. He: "Hey, you see that sign up there, with my name on it? It says "PIMP". "You see the sign with your name on it? It says 'Old douche-bag!" I say: "You would say that to ME? With my five year-old son sitting there?" He smiled and nodded: "Hey - you brought him. I brought her." I don't think she's ever had so much fun. Two men fighting over her. She's lapping every last bit of it up, and loving it. I can't keep it up. I start to laugh, and he and I hug. I ask her for her hand, and give her the famous Limbo hand-kiss. He gets pissed, so I continue up her arm, growling "girlflesh...", and wrap her stupid young skinny body in my arms. She squeals, while pressing tightly against me. Pure young girlflesh, oh Jesus... I slowly let her out of my arms, shake his hand, grab my boy, and leave. He returns my wave. So does she, still flushed with excitement... Out of control, like I said.  
  I had liked him for two years but never had the chance to be in a relationship with him. He was sitting with me, on the couch, we were snuggling. He leans over to kiss me for the first time.   And what do I do?  Burp in the middle of the kiss.   Go figure.  
  Watching "Malice," my favourite Nicole Kidman movie, there's a moment early on when the scheming doctor and Nicole's husband are sitting in a bar, watching football. Husband: "God, I would give my right arm for a million dollars. I can't even afford proper plumbing." Doctor: "Would you  really ?" Husband: "You mean like literally? No." Doctor: "How about just one finger?" Husband, after thinking about it: "Eh, no." Eh, I would, as long as I could select which finger. After all, I need to drive around Manhattan sometimes, so I really need my index finger...  
  Social studies class. Studying the Opium War. In an attempt to help us relate to the topic, the teacher asks us what we think would happen if cocaine was legalized.  A boy says: "I think it would only stay big where it's popular now, in Hollywood - there's like an inner circuit of coke addicts there."  A boy says: "I don't think anyone in [our suburban town] would use it, but it would probably be really popular in the inner cities."  A girl says: "People wouldn't use it, because they know it's bad for you."  Jesus fucking christ GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!  
  i had this high school teacher who had a glass eye. it was all crooked and out of synch with his real eye.  one time, he asked me to lend him my pencil  not thinking, i tossed the pencil in his general direction...the toss had a lovely arc to it...spinning perfectly, pointed end forward  the man defensively batted the pen down to the ground and began screaming at me  my reply was, "what, can't you catch a pencil.."   i swear to god  it was only after he chased me around the class room and down the hall and across the lawn that i realized why his one eye was missing.         
  I was shitfaced at this party a few weeks back and decided that I didn't need to tap into the liter of vodka I had brought.  Bitches found the bottle I had hidden and without me knowing, killed the whole fucking thing.  I wonder if they found the giant turd lodged underneath the water pump in the toilet tank yet.  
  Nothing pisses me off more than a teacher who leaves little marks unerased on the board.  The spots just stare at you, begging, pleading to be erased, and there's nothing you can do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How about this one:  Just returned from the laundry mat where a fine young lady held my eye.  As I crossed her path to get to my dryer I walked square into a (obviously her) fart cloud.  I mean smack through it - she must have been so embarrased.  The kicker:  That fart smelled just like one of mine.  I mean Ive smelled some farts in my day and that was one of mine!  Which made her even more intriguing.  
  Years ago -  I woke up and found my hair damp and clean. I got in my truck thinking I had to stop for gas before work and found I'd gassed it up already.  I didn't remember stopping and putting gas in the truck or getting home or washing my hair the night before.  I didn't drink for a long, long time after that and I NEVER drink and drive now.  
  So I go into the butcher's store and the butcher asks me, "Are you thinking aboot buying some steaks?"  I said, "No, I am going to buy some steaks, I'm thinking aboot poontang."  
  i earnestly believe that every person should own in some form or another a copy of "another one bites the dust."  
  "gin and tonic," i said, trying not to look the bartender in the eye.   he nodded. as he reached for the gin, he paused.   i held my breath.   "didn't we go to high school together?"   my jig was up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Aout a week after the Twin Towers were destroyed I was watching The Blues Brothers, and there was a shot of the New York City skyline ca. 1980. I puased the video to look for a moment at the Twin Towers. At least, I thought it was the Twin Towers. If it was, they were pretty close together so they looked like one building. It could have been the Empire State Building.   That's when I realized I was looking at Chicago.   
  what passes for fun on a Saturday nite in St Louis:  dragging an old vacuum cleaner outta the trash and into the middle of a busy street. then busting a gut as cars run over it.     
  What's the deal with French Canadians who come up to me, or someone else, and make poor attempts to formulate and ask questions in English?  Why don't they just ask me if I speak French?  Another thing...don't you love it how when tourists go to foreign countries, and they ask people if they speak english, and when the local says "no", they ask them "A-GAIN, BUT LOW - D-ER ANDE PRO-NOUN-CEE-ATE THE SYL-LABLES" as if that will make a difference?  Tourist: "Gee, honey, try saying it slower, as if you were talking to a dog."  
  I proposed to my wife while on a canoe trip.  When she said "yes", I said "Good, because if you said no, i'd have to drown you."  She did not find the humor in that.  
  Trust me, you never want to be a customer at Village Inn the night one of the staff quits.  We always do it with a bang.  So check your food, kids.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Looking at a ladies credit report for her loan...she has ok credit except for a single chargeoff...  The chargeoff is with Victoria's Secret...  She is 81 years old....  Not a pretty picture...  
  There we were enjoying a nice game of pool.. all of a sudden Jana's dad walks out of the kitchen yelling to a buddy "Yeah! She says she's double-jointed but I tried to get her in a few positions that just wouldn't happen".. after a moment of staring at each other me and jana continued on with the game avoiding the conversation about what kind of positions he spoke of.   
                                             The professor paused, and for a brief second the entire class was engulfed with silence as the fat girl entered the room proudly adorning a Pillsbury Doughboy t-shirt  
  He waved his long, skinny arms in a sweeping gesture.  "I'm the only one in this band with any fashion sense!" he said loudly.  I looked down at his metallic forest green vinyl shoes, and agreed.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I tried to eat a sponge once.  
  I won a (dry, of course!) T-shirt competition at my hifalutin computer-science-cum-esoteric-math research company in Ithaca, NY.  Only workplace I ever seriously felt outclassed at -- even the receptionist had a PhD.  I looked through my wardrobe, and there were several nice choices there:   A Dead Boys shirt from my sister-in-law's CBGB/Blue Oyster Cult days.  A very distressed "Trojan Ranch Summer Camp" shirt from my then-fiancee's last summer in Boulder, Colorado, before we were supposed to settle down on Lawn Gisland and work for her dad's diamond business on 47th St (only she never bothered to tell me about those particular plans).  A shirt with a picture of a large-breasted Indian goddess on the front, and the caption: "Fight breast cancer with your own two hands" on the back.  But a very sexy and mischievious co-worker (Hi, Sally Ann, you bastard!) promised to bring me a winner, as long as I promised to not look at what it said until after the competition.  I slipped it on, and joined the lineup. Looking around, I thought my main competition might come from a local pizza shirt that said: "Have you had a hot piece lately?"  Not to worry -- I won the prize for "Shirt that most reflected one's personality" for a New Orleans clam bar shirt that said in  large  letters:    Shuck Me! Suck Me! Eat me raw!    
  So we're all drinking at someone's dorm room party in residence. I'm begging my friend to tell the orgy story. He, of course, obliges. It's a cast party for Shakespeare and his ex-girlfriend is there. His ex is wild. She starts an orgy - two guys, three girls - and my friend joins in - and comes out still a virgin.  I still don't know how that happened. If I hadn't been there while he told the story, backing him up, no one would have believed him. But it's true.  Pathetic, and true.  
   There I was, opening the door to the garage. The sound of rats knawing on rubber bands filled the cement four walled world. I slowly reached for the light switch and flick, on it went. There they were, five midgets nibbling on my brand new GoodYear tires! I calmly invited them in for tea and crumpets, made them do a little dance at gunpoint and then blew one of there little big heads off. The rest I forced to disrobe and run down the street for everyone to see. No one messes with my tires!  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  My new-found buddy really wants to hit up the strip joint.  I buy us beers while he grabs a table near the stage.  I sit down with my back to the stage, so that I won't have to watch all the phony bumping and grinding, fake tits, high heels, lingerie... all the stuff that is  supposed  to be sexy but just makes me sad.  But enough sermonizing.  I go to the bathroom to pee.  Total elapsed time could not have been more than two minutes.  When I return, there is not a trace of my new buddy, or the two beers.  Barmaid sees me looking quizzical: "Oh, he left."  Me: "Fuck it -- give me a beer."   
  From my last posting:  Back in my first year in the U.S., I'm living in Port Washington, Lawn Gisland.  The winter of 1977 is hideously cold. Cold enough to freeze large parts of the Lawn Gisland Sound, which is pure seawater.    Shortly before that moment, my wife and I go walking out on the frozen seawater. I've always been terrified of falling through ice, so I'm really nervous. But there are hundreds of people out here, and ice sailboats flying around at amazing speeds, so I should probably just relax. But I don't. About 200 yards out, we come to a patch of black ice. We can actually see fish underneath. I nervously decide to test how strong it is. I jump up and down. No problem. I jump up as high as I can. No problem. I jump up as high as I can, and kick hard when I come back down. Instantly up to my shoulders in 5&deg; seawater. My wife says I shot up in the air using some unknown propulsion system, and was on the shore almost before she could turn around. I stand and wait for her to get to me, with my teeth chattering, and she takes me into the local barandgrill for a double shot of whisky...  
  the first time i remember doing evil.  i wanted to write on the wall. but i did not want to get caught, so i wrote my sisters name.  she was younger than me, so i used my left hand, to imitate someone just learning how to write.  boy howdy, did she ever get the hell beat out of her.  
  Why do I keep having sex with fat chicks? I mean, I also have sex with skinny women, but for some reason I seem to have MORE sex with fatties. I should pick and choose more. That or stop getting so drunk.  
  The desks don t adjust, and neither do the chairs, meaning that people have back, neck, and arm pains. Most of the monitors don t go above 60 hZ, meaning that some people have eyestrain. Your lighting flickers and isn t even, meaning that eyestrain is increased for everyone. The software is pirated, meaning that if you re caught, you will owe lots of money to the makers of the software. (It s also kind of slimy and unethical). You don t have telephones for everyone, meaning that only certain people can communicate with the clients; or that people have to walk across the hall or down two levels when they want to speak with another employee about an internal issue.  All of this could be forgiven, rationalised, simply counted as the price of being a young Internet startup.  But you don t work efficiently, and you don t communicate clearly even to your own employees   who are expected to get the work done, anyway. You expect us to dedicate our lives to what is essentially a doomed enterprise.  For that I can not forgive.  I quit, you arseholes. And no, I don't have any friends to recommend for my replacement - I -=LIKE=- my friends.      
  He told the best stories about his life. His professional wrestler/outlaw biker buddies... killing pregnant women weilding grenades in Cambodia... shanking informers in prison... giant narcotics shipments... CIA psychedlic experimentation... no holds barred matial arts death matches... strange spacecraft and giant sea creatures... Sometimes, years later, you hear little stories in the news or in books or from other people and you are forced to believe a little bit more. He's down to about 30% bullshit and falling, in my estimation.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at work at a janitiorial type job a while back, and i was taking out the trash. well it was one of those garbage cans where you step on the little poedal to open it. well on my stupidity i pushed sgepped on the pedal the same time i bent over to pick up the bag, seriously smashing my head into the metal. i had to sit down for awhile, the pain was so great and i was laughing so hard.  did you picture this? if you haven't, do so now and you'll laugh with me.  haley  
    If it takes you two hours to find your pants on sunday, you not just a "social drinker".        
  Years later, I'm back home visiting and while at the mall I run into a kid I used to babysit, all grown up. "Look at this!" he exclaims to his friend. "She was the best babysitter in the world, I loved it when she would come watch us!" I was overcome with nostalgia at what a little sweetheart he'd been as a child and still obviously was. "I mean, LOOK at the tits on her!" he continued. "Still as great as ever." Thanks, Jeffy.  
  At a company picnic, I got picked to race a bunch of employees kids on those big rubber balls with handles on top. You bounce along on your butt while gripping the handle tightly.  The race started, and I made a huge jump of 4 or 5 feet to impress everybody, but when I landed, the ball deformed so much that my tightly clenched fists were yanked inward, slamming both of them squarely into my nuts.  I lay on the ground, immobilized and trying to breath, while the pack of little fuckers scooted past me laughing.    
  I was very excited to be meeting William Shatner at a Star Trek convention in Pennsylvania last year.  I mean, there are Star Trek fans and there are STAR TREK FANS.   I certainly fall into the latter.   My father introduced me to the Star Trek family when I was about five, and from that moment on I was hooked.   William Shatner was my favorite.   He had been my personal hero for twenty years and now I was on my way to meet him.   I couldn't wait.  Now I am the type of person who gets noticed.   (And no that's not because I dress in Star Trek uniforms or wear plastic ears.  I don't.)   I have a loud voice and presence that usually attracts attention.   I was determined to catch Bill Shatner's attention while he was on stage.  I knew that if we could meet we would be the best of friends .  Bill Shatner gave an energized performance with the flare and motions one expects from the man.   Then he opened the floor for questions.  "What can I ask?"  I puzzled, frantically determined to add myself to the exchange between actor and audience    Nothing came to mind.   Then someone asked Bill, "What is your one greatest accomplishment?"  To my amazement my mouth sprang into motion.   Without thought I began speaking.   Not just speaking, but projecting.  Not just projecting   but announcing!   And I said, "The Transformed Man!"  Most people may not know this, but the Transformed Man was Bill Shatner's Album.   The Album where he sang, "Mr. Tambourine Man, and Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds."   On the inside sleeve of the album William Shatner writes that The Transformed Man is the single most satisfying thing he has ever done.  Now it can be found in the comedy section of most music stores.  But there, in front of my personal hero and 1500 other Star Trek fans, I brought up what now must be a rather painful subject for Bill Shatner.  There, with 1500 other Star Trek fans all around me, William Shatner fixed me in his gaze.     "The What?"  he asked.  "The Transformed Man " I croaked wishing I was anywhere else on the face of the planet, "Your album "  There, with his gaze still fixed upon me, Bill Shatner shook his head, "No."   And moved quickly into a discussion of how his daughters are his greatest accomplishment.  Great   the one time I finally engage in conversation with Bill Shatner I manage to insult the guy.  Sorry Bill    But  hey, I did at least get a chance to chat with the man.  There were some other wild members of the fan community there that day.   When I was standing in line for a William Shatner autograph (hoping that he wouldn't remember the face of the man who had mentioned his musical initiative) there was a wild-eyed woman in front of me.   When she finally stood in front of Bill Shatner she spread her arms and said, "Bill!  It's me!   Didn't you get my pictures?"  Shatner didn't answer.  He forced a tight smile and signed a photo for her.   She walked away a little disheartened.  Hmmm    makes you wonder what those pictures were of exactly.  I expressed my praises to the man and got a similar smile and autograph (which looks like it reads Jack Ruth more than William Shatner.)  Well, there may be some strange people in Star Trek fandom, but then again an actor without a fandom is unemployed.  -Rich Sigler  
  i knew the gig was up when i got the unemployment check reading 'you have exhausted your benefits'. not funny. i think they should send you a complementary government cheese log too.  
  My uniform for work is hideously ugly.  I work in the operations crew at a conference/festival center - basically i clean stuff, move stuff, and solve stupid people's stupid problems.    Apparently this requires me to wear a large shirt made of this freaky slinky sweating-in-a-plastic-bag type fabric.    Apparently it's essential to the running of the business for this shirt to be bright yellow, with a big black zig-zaggy stripe running diagonally across my chest.  When I go out to get my lunch, people stare at this ugly shirt.  I actually had one person walk past and say to her companion "Oh my god, what an ugly shirt!".    Then they look at me differently when my radio starts talking at me from my pocket.    *crackle* *hiss* "tech1 to any ops," *hiss* "zero sparky" *crackle* "zero operations aramika, location??"  *hiss* *crackle* "chilli to operations aramika, get a couple 70s and some gaff up to the 1st prom asap"  *hiss* *crackle*  "zero chilli, i'm offsite getting a feed, solve your own problems or i'll use your toothbrush to scrub the toilets."  Funny how the jargon and the injokes make no sense to the people who comment on my shirt.  Funny how with a radio, I can almost pretend I have some kind of status.  hahahaha  i have no status.  but my pocket talks to me.....  
  He's not doing very well. I can tell, from the other end of the bar, even while watching the pool game intently. But he's hitting on the only quality woman in the place. It's not impossible that I could move in on her, but the odds would be awfully long. So I decide to help him, instead. When I go to leave, she's talking with the guy to her left. I tap my guy and ask if that's her boyfriend. He: "No, that's her brother." So I tap her on the the shoulder. She turns around, and I say, to him: "I'm leaving, but put a lot of effort into this one, because she's  very  special." She giggles, a little nervously. 'S OK, I'm leaving. I say to her: "And pay a lot of attention to this one, because he seems like a nice guy, despite the tattoos on his elbows." She, laughing: "Actually, I like those tattoos..." As I walk out, he hoists his beer and salutes me. I love to bring young people together. I'm going home now...  
  It went like this...  Got this lady back to mine and we're going for it major style. Got my hand riiiight up her backside and she's loving it, y'know what I mean.  Anyway, finished our stuff and I realised my hand was all brown... and not with chocolate, y'know what I mean.  errr... what do I do now!? Sooo.. I gracefully helped her back on with her dress and, as I was doing this, wiped my hand clean on her back as I buttoned her up.  Smooth, eh!   
  my ex-boyfriend sucks.  he sucks partly because he is my ex, and partly because of irreemable personality flaws.  one night, over christmas break, i went to the tap house with a big group of friends.  ex was there, sitting across from me.  he knocked over my purse under the table, and when i wa scrounging around trying to put it all back together, he stole five of my cigarettes.  he went to the bathroom, and i stole his lighter, hoping to render his stolen cigs useless.  everyone saw me take the lighter.  when he left later, i took out the lighter and lit a round of cigs for everyone, then put it back in my pocket.  ten minutes later he came back.  he came back for a crappy yellow bic lighter.  he could have gone to 7-11, but he had to have THAT lighter.  i looked at everyone.  they looked at me.  no one gave it away.  he left, frustrated.  i love my new yellow lighter.  le flambe de victoire!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         skunk we yelled and ran faster than our legs could to avoid a spray i started to do a chin plow when i looked and saw rooster skidding on his beak rolling on the seventh green in the rain drunk as roaches and laughing like you never had to stop  fuck adulthood       
  My wife tried to pass this one off as true. I doubt it, but is sure is lowbrow. Stern professor is lecturing a big class on the human reproductive system. He: "As you should know, semen is very high in glucose. This is because... "Yes, miss? You had a question?" Student: "High in glucose? Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" He, immediately: "Because..." Class erupts. She realizes too late what she said, grabs her books, and runs up the lecture hall stairs. Professor raps his pointer on his desk. The class quiets quickly. Before she gets to the door, he continues: "Because the tastebuds for sweet are at the front of the tongue..."  
  We're at the drive through, I'm ordering.  Giz is next to me listing all the shit that he wants "large coke no ice, medium fries, double whopper, to go"  just like a fucking parrot I repeat exactly what he says into the little speaker. Telling the gal on the other end I want my food 'to go' in the drive thru.  he grins like like he's defeated me.  
  This one girl that we know, Dani, has a tendancy to stalk guys.  To make this one guy think that she WASN'T stalking him, she told him she had a boyfriend, and then made up this whole LIFE for this imaginary boyfriend of hers.  So we decided to piss her off by inventing an imaginary party that she wasn't invited to, where we each hooked up with an imaginary guy.  Made up these great stories about how we met, what we did, who they were, and everything.  Of course, Dani was pissed that she didn't get to go, but she didn't give a flying fuck about our stories since she's the kind of person who doesn't give a flying fuck about other peoples' lives.  Needless to say, we need to get a life.  
  i have this horrible eighties haircut courtesy of a really bad hairdresser. it's all geometrical and scary and shit, but my friends assure me that the eighties look is hip. such nice friends. when you have bad hair you hate everyone.        
  One morning my dad was in a "perfect brain bursting rage" once, the reason is irrelevant.  He was storming around in PJs and bare feet.    Suddenly he cursed very creatively.  He then bent and pulled something out of the sole of his pale old foot and threw it in a drawer, still cursing, without seeing what it was.    Just a little later, I opened the drawer to see what it was.    A shirt pin:  "God Loves You"        
  I just found out my grandpa had left my grandma back in the 50's and started another family. Had a girlfried and a son, so my mom has a half brother she never knew about. He was gone for years until they heard from him.  His body was found in 1952 near a train track. It was ruled an accident. I have the newspaper clipping.  
  using babelfish, i translated the following into german. there is a big bulge in my pants.  it came out to: es gibt eine grosse Ausbuchtung in meinen Hosen.  then into french, from german: il y a un grand renflement dans mes pantalons.  from french to german: es gibt eine gro e Verst rkung in meinen Hosen.  finally, from german back to english: there is a large reinforcement in my trousers.  really makes you think why they call GI's "reinforcements"   
  You know, the post-masturbation smoke really doesn't compare to the post-sex one at all.  Considering this is the 15th jerk off session of the day, and the only reason I stop this habit is to play video games or go outside, I really shouldn't be surprised.  It's not even that fun anymore - almost like a job at this point. Boredom sucks, fuck summer.  
  It was love at first sight.  She had the most alluring green eyes I have ever seen.  Her soft voice, her gentle ways, her innocent face belied her true nature.  We fucked like rabbits on speed.  We fucked everywhere - her room, my room, the dormitory roof, and abandoned building, her-on-top-of-me-while-I-sped-down-the-highway, in the hatchback of her car, the snow hiding us from people walking past . . . it was glorious.  She introduced me to anal sex; she loved me to fuck her silly, then to blow me.  Any sick, depraved sexual thing imaginable was fair game.  That summer, she left for an internship at a church in New Mexico.  Did I mention she wanted to be a youth minister?  A month and a half later, she called to tell me she had found someone else, and that I should let it go and move on.  I was devastated.  That fall, seeing her around campus and involved in various student groups we had both joined was heartwrenching.  Just seeing her walk past on campus made me feel as though my still-beating heart had been ripped out of my chest, set on fire, and ground into dirt beneath her feet.  That January, her summer boyfriend called her up and asked her to pick him up at a bus station in town.  He had run away from home to be with her.  Run away from home?  Run away from home.  You see, her new lover was only 15.  She had met him in her youth group.  Now, he was running away from home to be with her (by this time, he had reached 16).  They began unofficially living together -- going to campus events together -- driving a stake through my heart.  The pain was even more unbearable knowing that I had been beaten out by a high school kid.  That summer, I was living in a campus apartment and takind a few classes.  One afternoon, she came by the apartment.  She said, "I just wanted to tell you this myself, because I didn't want you to hear it through the rumor mill."  "What's that?" I asked.  "I'm pregnant, and ***** and I are going to Arkansas to get married."  I laughed in her face.  
  When really (and i mean really) thirsty, I have been known to drink from random soda bottles I find in parking lots and such.  People tell me that someone could have pissed in that.  But who would piss in a soda bottle?  
  My 3 best friends and I weigh a combined 1300 lbs. None of this weight is muscle. Buildings shake as we walk past.  When we go out drinking, we always down the first beer with a toast in our best Scottish accents,  "Gi' in my belly"  
  I've noticed that all through the Muppets' lives, Piggy and Kermit never actually fucked...  Maybe now, Kermit will be singing:  o/`  Piggy... you turned my green balls... blue. o/`        
  I dont know why but it pisses me off so much when people compleatly freeze when they are going to the bathroom and someone enters.  It is not like they are going to take some sick pleasure in the sound of your shit dropping.  Honestly.  
   Maybe I'll write a list of the names of every girl I ever screwed and then try to screw girls with the same first names as those girls until I have two identical lists. I've already duplicated one name, so I wonder if I should go for two more of those or just add one of them to the second list...  
  boredom + popcorn = edible lowbrow fun!  Last night my husband and I had a race to see who could dislodge and eat two pieces of popcorn, one wedged in each nostril, using only your tongue and your facial muscles. He won. It wasn't fair, his nostrils are bigger.  
  I think if I had it to do all over again, I'd be completely celibate except for major holidays.  It'd be a damn sight easier to keep track, I know that much.  
  I was taking a train from San Fran to Cleveland.  It was maybe a 4 day trip.  On the first night in the dining car, I met a guy who insisted that I try his moonshine.  Some 5 hours later, the conducter came back and woke me up. I had passed out on the floor of the dining car and had pissed all over myself.  I was kicked off the train in Salt Lake City.  
  My dentist has a stuffed animal.  It's a pseudo-cute cartoonish giraffe.  That sits on a chair in the corner.  It has big ovalish exaggerated eyes.  And orange spots.  And a black mane made of yarn.  AND GIANT FUCKING MANTEETH.  Who the fuck comes up with these things?! And how do they not foresee the terrible psychological consequences of exposing them to children?!  
  I've come to realise the cliche in the cliche.   I see it and hear it everywhere - a cliche has even become cliche, blinding its truth - self serving media, independent women, urban deconstruction.  I say:  "Random construct of words your sentences."  and  "Create false isomorphisms."  So that:  Red is right, zap your fizmo. Piffil.  Cliche that.  
  I've mentioned the "Life Skills" booth before. For those of you that don't know it's a kiosk right in front of my store that's manned by kids from a local high schools special ed program. They're usually watched by either the teacher or another "normal" student. Currently they're trying to sell roasted almonds, and are giving away samples.  Monday I'm sitting in my store, talking to people online and I hear the sounds of Cindy Laupers "Girls just wanna have fun" playing over the mall speakers. I hear a small noise over that and look out to see the male teacher for the program dancing and singing along to the lovely Ms. Lauper hit. Meanwhile the retarded kid is asking passersby if they'd "Like to taste his nuts."  My mall is awesome.   
   only people with no balls dream themselves heros in the sleep of drunks most of the drunks i know want you to just shut the fuck up and leave them the fuck alone goddammit i usually grab a stool at the other end of the bar and am somehow relieved at their distant and aloof parallel appreciation  never asking to be hero and wishing you would just shut the fuck up goddammit        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I feel like a dork. I bought this conditioner that's supposed to give your hair red highlights. I never thought about the fact that I already have blonde highlights. They're pink now.   
  In college I was drunkenly fucking this chick when she passed out right in the middle of the deed. Needless to say this pissed me off, so I decided to shave her bush. I drunkenly sheared her beaver then passed out. (boys and girls, do not try that at home) I woke up alone the next morning except for the present my newly shaved companion had left for me: she had shit on me while I was asleep.   
  i know all the words to it's the end of the world as we know it by r.e.m. it took me a week to learn them all.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I forgot to put my name in the Email place, and when I returned here, my whole lowbrow moment was gone.  *Sighs*  Rewrite time. I just got done spinning pizzas at work for the morning crowd of mall workers, yuppies, and rich shmucks who happened to have a Friday morning off.  (Aside from making pizza, I spent a good ten minutes writing www.lowbrow.com on dollar bills while waiting for the clock to strike 12). I was sitting in the food court waiting for my friend, staring blankly ahead of me.  Suddenly, woman A sits down DIRECTLY in my line of vision, about five or six tables down from me.  She was one of the least attractive people I've ever seen in my life . . . which is far too nice of a thing to say about her.  She shoved her overweight body into the chair and before she was sitting down, she'd already scarfed down half a garlic roll. I watched in fascination and disgust as she shoveled food in at a sloppy and rapid pace.  At one point, she had spaghetti hanging down from her mouth down to her stomach, mouth already puffy from more garlic rolls, and she picked up her Ames bag and began going through her purchases, trailing spaghetti all over the table and her bag as she ATE IT. I dug my fingers into my temples and stared blatantly and unflinchingly at her uncomprehending eyes, praying that some act of god would make her stop eating and put me out of my misery. I saw her on the bus on my way downtown.  She had spaghetti sauce all over her chest.   
  my fat lard of a friend walks into a KFC restaurant (kentucky fried chicken) and orders a bucket of chicken, the cashier asks "what size bucket would you like", my friend reply's "i would like the one on the roof please"   
   Once Again, The Federal Government Goes Duh  (Talking about busting a couple who distribute marijuana exclusively to sick people: "It's hard to tell the difference between a so-called club and an operation that cultivates and traffics in marijuana," said Mr. Glaspy of the D.E.A. "What you really have in California are people fattening their pocketbooks under the disguise of medicine." Hey Government: What we really have in California (and the rest of the world) are drug companies  really fattening  their pocketbooks under the guise of medicine, with government support. You'd think Viagra would be the biggest profit-maker these days, but it's not. Prilosec is the current champion. I asked my gastro-enterologist how Prilosec coulg be the winner, and he asnwered that the patient base is twice as large. I take Prilosec (stomach acid medicine), and it costs $175/month. The company is about to lose their government-granted monopoly, whereupon Prilosec will go down to $3/month. My doctor and I recently riffed about it. He: "That's why they came out with 'Nexium,' which is a chemically identical isomer, but they're pumping millions into advertising it. And they're trying to get Prilosec certified as an across-the-counter drug, so that they can still charge $20 for the name recogniton. Black people in particular tend to buy brand-name drugs." I'm warbling on, late at night. But here's the real LowBrow question: Why is the American government  so  down on sweet marijuana?    
  My co-worker offered me an Altoid.  Eyeing him suspiciously, I asked: "what do you want from me?"  Turns out he wanted me to take his job.       
  So we finished having sex, and she says she wants a massage.  No problem.  I sit just below her butt and start rubbing her back.  I get hard again and slip it in.  She's pretty quiet, but that's okay, she's often like that.  About half way through, I realise she's asleep.  Oh well. I keep going until I finish, roll off her, and go to sleep.  
  I used to room with 3 girls. One day I came home and they were having a 'house meeting'.  The house meeting was about me.   They yelled at me because I had thrown a party and left the kitchen table strewn with clove cigarette butts and alcohol.   The next week they had a party and left used syringes and nitrous ballons everywhere.  I just smiled and secretly wished that they would get VD.  Goths and ravers just don't get along.      
  Myself and two friends from high school are screwing around one day. Jim starts acting strange like he's drunk and deranged. We go along with the act fully entertained as he quickly turns into a slobbering idiot. I think we threw ketchup packets and old fries at him while he twitched on the floor. Later we packed him home to his mother to let her patch him up. To this day I stay away from diabetics, they have such a poor sense of humor.  
  Living in a dorm room, I get a very small bed to share with my girlfriend when she spends the night. Every time she does, my back ends up getting fucked up from sleeping in such a cramped bed. One morning she asked me how I slept and I told her that it fucks up my back for about two days every time she spends the night, but that it was more than worth it to be with her. She still dumped my ass 4 weeks later while I was studying for a final the next day  
  I went to surprise my fuck buddy at work. We were pretty much together, just no title. So I go to the store to buy her a rose. Just one, you know, enough to show here that I care.  Im standing in line, when the chick from the parking lot comes in. She has a smokin body, and is all cute in a girl next door type of way, wearing a sun dress...I have a thing for chicks in skirts, dresses, anything without a bottom.  So she asks me if the rose is for my girlfriend. I tell her that it's for my mom who is sick.  
  The Old Bastard ---------------  I owned a dog when I was a kid  he was tough covered with scars from fights  either with other dogs or wild animals deep within their burrows  His was missing part of an ear  part of his tail  he never backed away from a fight  but he was gentle with me and always greeted  me warmly  either covered with ticks and burs or covered in blood his and that of others  He sired many pups around the area most of them looked like him  with a head too big and a ballsack like a mail pouch  
  To have to flush a second time secretly makes a man proud.  To have to flush a third time... fourth time... fifth time...  At the apartment of a girl with whom this man is infatuated...  This is a VERY frightening scenario.  
  the window rolled down son are there any alcoholic beverages in the cab no   said he in a manner that even i believed the door was opened and the  three sixteen ounce bud bottes fell breaking on the pavement and spewing foam all over the officers shiney black shoes he gripped the door frame knuckles white son youre a goddammed liar then i knew that the greasy weasle volume would have to be turned up pretty high to slither outta this one         
  I work at an illustrious pizza joint.  Yeah, I'm swift.  Anyway, I was working this one night during the holidays, and even though it was slowing down, we didn't have much pizza left.  A woman came up with two kids, a little girl about two years old and a little boy who looked to be about six.  My manager, Z,  and I were going about our usual closing routines amidst serving occasional slices to the random customers.  Z took the woman's order: 2 slices of pepperoni and one slice of cheese.  The cheese slice had a rather large bubble in it, so he sprinkled some mozzerella over it, so the woman would receive her money's worth, and not just a bubble of dough.  He put the slices in the oven, and I continued swiping the counters with my bar mop. The oven was on low, so it took a while to warm up.  In the time it took to wait, I asked the woman if she wanted anything else, and she ordered a large soda.  I asked her what kind, and she consulted her children.  Conflict: girl wanted pepsi, boy wanted root beer.  Being a diplomatic parent, the woman pulled out a nickel and flipped it.  Root beer won.  I poured the soda and handed it over the counter.  Cash out.  Little girl starts crying over decision of the soda.  Mom picks up girl and starts to talk: "Oh, hunnie, life isn't always fair.  You can't always get what you want.  You have to learn that.  Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it . . ." she continued for almost two full minutes of impressive impromptu monologue.  Needless to say, I was impressed.  Imparting such wisdom on a young mind.  I smiled as I scrubbed counters.  Z slaps pizza on the plates, woman goes to sit down. Not a minute later, she returnes with the repared slice of cheese pizza. "What's wrong with this pizza?"  I looked over.  It was pale where the new cheese was added, but it looked good to me.  Z smiled and replied, "There was a big bubble on the pizza, I thought you'd like your money's worth, so I put some cheese over it." The woman smiled patiently and said, "But it looks funny."  I blinked.  Z said, slightly less patiently, "I assure you, it tastes exactly the same as a normal slice." The woman shook her head. "I need a new slice.  I'm sure it tastes okay, but frankly, sir, that's a hard thing to explain to a two-year old." *Sighs*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The man who is behind the concept of Lowbrow is an artist.  And he deserves a free blowjob, too.    
   The Epicenter of Hippy-Dippyness #3  This one wasn't in Ithaca NY, but in Lancaster, England. We go over to dinner with two friends. Their kids are there: Acorn and Goldberry.  (Twenty-five years later, I would love to know what sort of relationship Acorn and Goldberry have with their parents...)  They serve us plain tofu with steamed vegetables. Yum :-( But there's also a frying pan sizzling away with a wonderful smell coming from it. Me: "What's in that?" Friend: "Pork sausages. We were walking past a butcher's store today, and Acorn liked the look of them. "We thought we shouldn't impose our own beliefs on him, so we got him some. Do you know how to cook them?" Damn right, and I know how to eat 'em, too...  
  Seen written on a gas station restroom condom machine:  "DON'T BUY THIS GUM! You only get one piece and it tastes like shit."  
  "No way does an allergy to latex condoms look like that." I said wrapping the towel around my waist.   She looks down and then back up to me.   "You sure?" she muttered.    "Yes...an allergy to latex doesn't drip like that." I said over my shoulder.   "I'm gonna kill him",she growled as she left the bedroom.   
   he was kinda blazed so i think he forgot that I was in the room....going on and on about how he's too old for the bullshit of drunken "girls gone wild" types he always takes home from the shitty bars...he wants to settle down you know?  the guy almost 30 and true love is somthing i don't think he has ever known...  "I just need a nice, smart girl to sit on my face for a while"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I reached for my wonderful ATM/credit card, she asked "Will that be all? No cigarettes? Lotto?"   I said, "Who, me? No. No thank you." The thought had never occured to me that I actually good purchase those things, given the proper vices.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I was talking to a girl in my US Government class the other day. I commented on the large amount of rips in her jeans. She told me they came like that from AE or something. For $60. I was wearing jeans that were mildly ripped :$20. Apparently hers came with a free belt though.  
  It was too easy, really. All I had to do was stick out my foot, he wasn't looking where he was going.  He would almost surely trip and fall down the stairs.  I don't know why I did it. Lucky it was a short flight of stairs. Lucky he believed that I did it on accident.       
  the first time I ever got arrested (well, in the US, anyway), it was for skinny-dipping. Midnight at Buttermilk Falls, in Ithaca (Hi, skinny, gorgeous Laura K! Grrrowl...) We weren't really arrested, just finally allowed to put our clothes back on, stuffed in the cruiser and hauled back to the police station so the cops could see the dripping-wet girls in bright lights instead of their flashlights. Us three guys could easily have made a break for it, though: before they let us put our clothes back on, they were paying us  no  attention whatsoever...  
  There's no way I'm ever going to have sex more times than I've masturbated.  No way.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know the name game? Well, my word was always "Duck".  Of course, I didn't know what I was saying at the F round.    Of course, those damn thirteen year olds did.  I hate people amusing themselves at my expense..   
  I like to pretend that im going to push the "Door Hold" elevator button when i am actually push the "Door Close" button.  I always give a look of surprise when it closes, saying "sorry" through the closed doors as the elevator pulls away.   I also like to "accidentally" push the "Alarm" button, ringing the little bell on top of the elevator.  Freaks people out. I just say "Oops! Wrong Button"  
  So there I was standing in line waiting to buy movie tickets. This really hot chick with the tightest and most squeezable ass was standing in front of me arm in arm with her big muscle-bound boyfriend.   What do you think I did?   Right! I grabbed her ass anyway. It was worth the black eye.  
  Richard Marx made his way through a very small crowd of disinterested patrons and semi-curious waitresses, toward a 'private' table in the Collis P Huntington room at the Heritage Station restaurant.  His entourage was a medley of trendy top forty radio disc jockeys and perhaps a few low end record executives.  His order was simple, unlike his complex mullet in the mid to late 80's, a plain turkey burger with absolutely no garnishes.  Oh no, Richard Marx doesn't want to bother himself with eccentricities or extremeties anymore.  His hair helmet has been heavily mowed by some of the industry's best weed wackers and he desires a more tranquil dining experience these days.  Huntington, West Virginia has seen its share of has-beens.  Vanilla Ice once entered a jet ski competition two blocks from where I now live, on the Ohio River.  And our town's claim to fame is the ever-so-notsofuckingfunny, Soupy Sales.  But these are two other stories.  Richard Marx felt that although most anyone who even bothers to admit they may remember him would do so in shame, the 'folks round here' in West Virginia might still find him to be a pop genius, a glamourous celebrity, a chrome mulleted god.  Sorry, Richard, even in West Virginia, you still "don't mean nothing".  Of course, WKEE, who was celebrating an anniversary of some sort, did tend to worship his superstar status as he had been a staple of their heavy rotation circa 1987 and most of these disc jockeys were more than likely still 'throwing him in the mix' at the drop of a retro-moment hat.  OK, but enough about those Chess King wearing bastards.  In the bar area, an ear shot away from the 'private room', a familiarly obnoxious repetitive voice spoke, three times.  "Why is the smoking section closed?  Why is the smoking section closed?  Why is the smoking section closed?"  It was 'Big Dawg'.  This large redneck beast of a man was a regular at the Station bar, and although he was extremely annoying at times, occasionally he was entertaining.  He really said everything three times, no shit.  No shit.  No shit.  So one of the other patrons reply to him 'because Richard Marx is having a private party in there'.  "Karl Marx?  Fuck Karl Marx!  Fuck Karl Marx!  Fuck Karl Marx!" screamed the Paul Bunyon-esque bastard.  I laughed to myself, knowing that as loud as 'Big Dawg' was, Richard Marx had to have heard him.  It was about this time that I had just finished taking care of my last table for the evening.  All evening long I had weighed out my options.  See, before my girlfriend developed a nasty heroin habit and ran off with the suicidal unemployed nihilist dealer, I was very close with her family, and her parents were big fans of Richard Marx.  I am not sure if it was a guilty pleasure or some tongue in cheek thing when they said "fans", but they liked him, nonetheless, and I liked them very much.  So, should I attempt to look like an idiot and try to actually talk to an arrogant pop star whose music I never liked, even in its prime, in hopes of obtaining an autograph or some memorabilia for my love's parents?  Of course I should.   SO.. I entered the area just before the 'private room' and was signaled by some nobody at WKEE to "stop".  "You can't go in there," the lady said to me. "I work here," I said, under my breath, not wanting to fuck up this chance to bring joy or laughter into the hearts of my girlfriend's parents.  "If you want an autograph, I will signal you when it is OK," she said very seriously.  At this point I nearly laughed.  Like Richard Marx is going to be hounded by all of the patrons and servers at Heritage Station for an autograph.  Thus far, the only people who had made any comments about him were Big Dawg and Richard's waitress who said, "He's a bland dick head.  He ordered a plain turkey burger, and he's an ass."  In about ten minutes or so from the time I had entered the adjacent room, the disc jockette approached me and just gave me some keen swat team or baseball coach signal that was to 'subtly' let me know, "it's time."   I must admit, I was somewhat excited, by this point, not because 'ooh wow, it's Richard Marx,' but because my shift was over, and I was ready to go home and get some loving on.  I entered the room with a napkin, or one of those "Tid Bit" newspapers that gives you about as useful information as this low brow column here, or whatever, or maybe a "to go" menu.. what the fuck ever.  I had something to write with and something to write on.  So I approach Richard Marx at this huge round table, although his cohorts were certainly not in the knighthood.  There was Cliff, this fat bastard who had suspended me several times for practical jokes I had pulled at the local college radio station, WMUL.  And there was Sharon, this uppity bitch who seemed to confuse herself with a celebrity since she worked at a local fucking radio station.  And there were about 5 or 6 strangers, all looking like the cast of an exciting dungeons and dragons game in the basement of one of the Lone Gunmen from the X Files.  "Excuse me, Richard," I said, almost laughing.  Maybe it was the nerves.  Nah, it was that grin on his grill.  Like 'I'm Richard Marx.  I am sooooo important, and I am about to make this guy's year with a simple autograph'.  "May I trouble you for your autograph?" I ask as politely as possible.  Richard gives me this crazy talk show host laugh and says "sure, who do I make it out to?".  "Make it out to Jeff and Gina," I say.  "They're my girlfriend's parents.  They are really big fans," I say.  "Your girlfriend's PARENTS??!" he exclaims in horror.  "Don't you and your girlfriend listen to me?!" he said, somewhat rudely.  It could have been taken as a joke, but you could tell that for whatever reason, maybe midlife crisis, this pushed to the surface an issue that may have been boiling within him for the past few weeks.  And I replied, without thinking, honestly.  "Nah," and I laughed, as if to say "come on, seriously, like I would ever listen to your shit music".   This pissed him off and he tossed the autograph my way, as the knights of the D&D table all gave me very stern and angry looks.  "Take this and get outta my face!" he said, looking downward.  I laughed hysterically as I coveted the autograph and sped out of the restaurant without doing any of my sidework anxiously awaiting my girlfriend's arrival so that I could tell her of my exciting words with Karl Marx.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't knock dumb people. We need someone to mow our lawns.  
  i asked a prof of mine why he has a mullet.  he said "business up front - party in the back"   
  In Wisconsin, you can buy a 30 pack of Schmidt's light for $8.99...  I'll repeat that....THIRTY, twelve ounce cans...for EIGHT DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE CENTS...   ....god bless America!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "You never piss in the shower do you?", she asked after I made a locker room comment about it.  "Oh no, dear ... never" I wisely replied.  
  Dean in the port-a-potty discovers mid-shit that there is of course no toilet paper. Finishing his poopooing, he walks out proudly, pants at his ankles and  *scoots*  across the grass ala dog-with-worms.  
  As it turned out he didn't have a rotating bed. I was surprised how disappointed I was.    
  I'm sorry I'm not perfect like your pornstar fantasy bitches.  Sorry I don't have a round, tight ass or big perfect tits.  I'm sorry that you are so perfect to be able to judge me this way.    Oh wait, that's right....you're not.  You have the most feminine hips I've ever seen on a man.  Your toes have waaaay too much hair on them.  You never brush your teeth in the morning, and greet me with dog breath.  You drool when you kiss me, dumping so much of your spit into my mouth that there's more of your spit that my own in my mouth.  And you frolic around like a little girl when you get excited.  And I AM the one that's not good enough?!?!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When feeling more empty than usual, i strive to remedy by food.  This morning i noticed we were sans milk, forcing me to dump the frosted flakes directly into my coffee instead. I hate when life has too many bad compromises.  
  i was 13 and had just transfered to a new school. Had also just been to a butcher masquerading as a hair stylist. Repairing the damage left me with a very short, butch haircut.  So I'm sitting in the lunchroom yacking, when someone punched my shoulder and says "Hey asshole, stand up." I turn around and his eyes go right to my tits, which even at that young age were rather noticeable. He says "Oh, umm, sorry. I thought you were a guy." and walks away. Changed the way i looked at the male of the species. Now, no matter how shy or polite or geeky a guy appears to be, i know somewhere under that skin is a territorial caveman looking for a fight I like that.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was younger I liked playing around in houses under construction.  Now twenty years later I can point to the biggest mansion on the hill and tell people I peed on the kitchen wall.   
  FM Radio  So a local radio station got bought, and in the week before they went live, they played a computer voice counting down until the launch time  6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds... and counting.  6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 52 seconds... and counting  6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 46 seconds... and counting  But every fourth or fifth repetiton of the count, the computer would bust out with a random statement. Song lyrics, movie quotes, and othe random things. By the time we started listening (2 days, 19 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds... and counting) we were hooked. By far our favorite was "I was like good gracious, that ass is bodacious"   We of course decided that lowbrowing while listening to the monotonous voice was pretty lowbrow.  3 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, 44 seconds... and counting  Click  3 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, 37 seconds... and counting  Click  3 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, 30 seconds... and counting  Click  "Well there won't be any money involved, but on your deathbed, you will receive total conciousness. So I got that going for me. Which is nice"  Click.  So soon enough, the countdown reached 0. Towards the end, there were more random things going on over the countdown, such as two DJs talking about getting hot chicks and farts, and weed.   But it did reach zero. And then they started playing music.   Tone Loc's Wild Thing. Over and Over again.  I've been here for half an hour now...  I wish I were making this up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Normally, a guy buying a Tickle Me Elmo would strike her as cute, but this guy was just plain pathetic.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         true story.  it was a perfect spring day.  not too hot or too cold, sun shining brightly.  i was off on an errand, driving through the city, windows down, cd player blaring loudly, the harsh but poignant sounds of the dead kennedies' "too drunk to fuck" spilling out.  i'm singing to myself as i stop at a red light.  a car pulls up next to me.  i turn to look, being a natural observer of people.  also with their windows down, two nuns in full habits look at me.  i quickly turn down the volume.  
  I hadn't known him for long, I didn't know him very well, but he was a victim of my urge to be the baddest bad girl I could.    I was working convenience store at the time, graveyard shift.  No adult supervision.  I've had guys stop by before, and this one had stopped by every night since I met him.  We were never going to be involved... there was too much difference in experience.  Me with my broken hearts behind me and him nearly virginal.    With no relationship to endanger, I grabbed a box of condoms off the rack, locked the store up, took him in back and fucked him right there in the office.    Might as well give him something to remember me by.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Olsen shots:  The Olsen twins have a cartoon that comes on Fox very early Sunday morning. (just about the time we usually get home from the clubs)  If you're not up (or still up) that early, tape it and watch it later.  It's more fun high, but that's optional. Everyone takes a shot of vodka whenever someone learns a valuable life lesson.  See, educational television can be fun!  
  just got finished working out, and the crotch of my panties is soaked with sweat. you sick fuck -- you wanna smell 'em, don't you?  
  I sure hope god does'nt go around making earth shattering dessicions by throwing a 20 sider around.  
  I think the person who thought that remaking Bryan Adam's "Heaven" into a dance remix was a good idea should be shot without remorse.  
  have you been sick and had to puke and shit (diarehha) at the same time  well never puke first cause then you have to change your shorts   
  MILLENIAL RETRIBUTION He would make them all pay when he released the daemon.  Or, if they didn't pay, maybe the daemon could ruin their credit ratings.  
  So me and a buddy are watching some pro wrestling, and we're both huge fans.  Currently in the ring are Chris Jericho and Kane, fighting as a tag team for the WWF against the evil forces of Mike Awesome and Lance Storm, representing WCW.   However, during the course of the match, two men run out of the crowd and jump into the ring. They proceed to attack the men in the ring, and we slowly realize that it's Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam, each wearing an ECW T-Shirt.  Then a large group comes running out of the locker room. Evidently, some WWF boys have had enough of this BS. The 6 men jump into the ring, and stare down the two men who just ran into the ring.  Me and my friend then do a little mental math.  The 6 men who ran in: Justin Credible, Tazz, Buh-Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Raven and Rhyno.  All former ECW wrestlers.  Mike Awesome and Lance Storm, both of whom are still in the ring: Former ECW stars.  Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer: Former ECW stars.  "Holy shit..." we both think.  The 10 men, Credible, the Dudleys, Tazz, Raven, Rhyno, RVD, Dreamer, Awesome and Storm all turn to face Chris Jericho and Kane.  A massive 10-on-2 beatdown begins, with Paul Heymen, former owner of ECW, walking into the ring to cut a promo on how ECW has just taken this invasion to the Extreme.  Me and my friend both screamed like little girls and jumped around like idiots for about 5 minutes.  I'd say that's pretty low-brow, wouldn't you?  
   I pitched the Portland Creative Conference to my boss. He didn't get it.  Then, I pitched the conference  organizer for a scholarship -- I did get it.   Then I told my boss. He still didn't get it. On the day the conference started, my boss terminated me! So, I went to the Portland Creative Conference, broke, needing to apply for foodstamps , and won a $20-bill off the web design Guru David Seigel when I correctly named the evil character in Ghostbusters: Sandor (happens to be my name.) I think Seigel intended the offer of $20 to be a  figure of speech -- but I marched up to collect it 'cause I didn't even have enough money to get my car out of the parking garage! And I needed to buy lunch because I was about to faint from hunger.  It was a low-brow moment. (But I am grateful that Seigel actually forked out the money AND told us all about this site.) Thanks David -- You are a Mensch and ya did a real kindness -- more than you realized! Bless you.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was calling my dad around my birthday to see if we were going to go out for dinner.  That's when he decided he was going to tell me that not only did he sleep with other women, he slept with guys now as well.  While I am all for sexual experimantation and of the "don't knock it till you've tried it" school, no one wants to imagine their dad getting it doggy style.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The lowbrow moment isn't that I haven't had a relationship in well over a year.   The lowbrow moment isn't even that I haven't had sex in well over a year.   The lowbrow moment is, that if I continue on this lovely streak I have, HE'LL be the last person I ever have sex with.     
  I once had a woman in her 50s come through the checkout buying KY jelly.  I wrapped it in a brown paper bag and sent her on her way.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a vivid imagination.  Yuck.  
  I have to piss the piss of a man who has just drank 2 2 litres of Mt. Dew and not relieved himself since.  Which is strange, considering it was Dr. Pepper that I drank.  
  I was walking along the boardwalk once.  I saw a 20 dollar bill in the cracks between two of the wooden planks.  I went to pick it up, I tugged, but I felt a tug back.  I thought back to a trick I saw on candid camera once. People hid under the boardwalk, holding a twenty dollar bill between the two planks and then when people go to pick it up they pull it down so that the people can't get it, to make them look like fools.  I was quite irritated. I grabbed my lighter, bent down, and lit the twenty on fire and walked away.  Those guys were probably pretty pissed that they had lost 20 bucks.   
  Browsing at a used bookstore one day, I opened an art book right to a painting entitled "Tit Over K-Mart".        
  To the girl at the halloween party, wearing a blinking light between her breasts, and another between her legs, and not much else:  Thank you.  
  I threw a handful of pot seeds into the field of the school the day I graduated.  They probably died.  
  My boyfriend and I were leaving the nightclub and walking back to the car.  Upon exiting the main road, we stop in a building's doorway to make out.    The night hung with an abondoned stillness, giving him permission enough to pull my pants down under my ass.  I feel the tip of his penis nuzzling my pubic hair.  As I pull it closer to my gates of heaven, I notice a group of about six twenty-somethings gawking at us through the glass door from inside the building.    They laugh as we compose ourselves.  And just to show their lack of offense taken from this indecent exposure, one of the guys runs up to the glass and suctions his mouth on it.  I guess we should have just kept at it and put out a tip jar.  
  So my friend's holding this bible, one with color illustrations, his pants are unzipped and there's a bottle of KY jelly on the table beside him, I look at him and say "You are SO going to hell dude."  
  So I got really blazed tonight, more so than I have in a very long time, and I realized that whenever my legs popped apart and then back together, I could feem my penis seperately from the rest of my body. Well, after taking a moment to ponder this, I discover the same result for my nuts. As any male discovering his nuts for the first time, I proceeded to poke them for a few minutes. Every time I poked them, it tickled and I started to giggle. I ended up telling the guys I was smoking with that my nuts were little giggle buttons and I couldn't help myself. Drugs are bad, m'kay?  
  Man, selling matches on the brow. Whoa, that's got to be the lowest....  I might have to get a couple of boxes just for the shit of it....  Damn, that's low.  
  I said to him : "You know?  You would be alot cuter if your mouth was taped shut."  He didn't finish his story.  
  i stole like 40 lunchtrays from the dining hall, to build a table for my room.  they're in a big heap on my floor.  playing with them has been a real high point to my afternoon.  
  Another common expression in Britain is "Gordon Bennett!"  It's used when somebody completely messes up their life with a single action.  As usual, few people know where the expression comes from, so here's Gordon Bennett's lowbrow moment:  He is a young man of lowly birth and high ambitions.  Round about 1900, he just happens to meet and fall in love with a  Vanderbilt daughter, when she is visiting Britain.  He proposes marriage, and she accepts.  He sails over to NYC to meet her family.  Highly nervous, he gets off the boat,  into a hansom cab, and asks the driver to take him to a watering hole first.  Two hours later, and feeling  no pain whatsoever , he knocks on the Vanderbilt door.  A butler answers, and Gordon Bennett asks to be shown to a bathroom.  The butler cannot understand his accent, so he shows him into the family room, where the Vanderbilts are arrayed in front of a roaring fireplace, waiting for their guest.  Still thinking he's been shown into a bathroom, Gordon Bennett staggers directly over to the fireplace and pisses in it.  
  So in my race to 30 white castle hamburgers, 24 beer, and a gallon of milk, I was falling behind, yet couldn't eat or drink anymore... beer doesn't fit in very well with a stomach full of churning white castles...  All i could do was go to the bathroom, beer in hand, and shotgun them until I threw up.  All I kept thinking while i was throwing up was how great that milk was going to taste.   
  High School kegger thrown by an unpopular girl whose mother decided to help throw this party and supply beer and baked munchies to try and reduce the rampant drunkeness.    A kid asked her if he could dry his weed in her oven.  I've never seen such shock and fear in a face while she continued to cycle frozen appetizers in/out of the oven.  
  In salem mass ther is a liquor store called "bunghole liquors"   
  i was in a bathroom stall in a rest stop somewhere in florida. next to the toilet paper dispenser someone had written "look at the door".  i looked at the door and there was another message there that said "don't look here, the jokes between your legs".  i found that really funny.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I wanted you to hear it from me, and not find out some other way" My uncle leaned closer to my wife and I with a sad look in his eyes and said in a hushed tone.  "Your cousin has been stripping for a living."  The lowbrow moment was not when I thought to myself "Wow!  She must have really cleaned herself up and gotten in great shape since I last saw her!"  Nope, not then.  Not even when a millisecond later I thought "I wonder if she could show my wife some moves."  It was not when I had to pretend to be sad for my uncle and offer sympathetic words of encouragement.   No, the lowbrow moment was not even later in the car when my wife told me that she had the exact same thoughts that I did at pretty much the same time.  The lowbrow moment was seeing my cousin later and realizing that she had not changed at all in the last 5 years since I had seen her.  My god.  People paid to see her naked?!?  Maybe THAT'S why my uncle was so ashamed!!     
  If ducks could type and could spell, would they type intellegent sentences, or just "quack quack"?   
  The other night, I go to this girl's house that I'm "kinda-sorta" seeing.  She has a daughter, about 18 months, but I dont mind.  She's an awesome kid, and mom is a milf.  So me and the girl are having a good time, doing our thing and what not, but the baby starts interupting.  Laying in the crib, just woke up, now kicking and screaming, wants to play or something.  Fine, girl gets up and takes the kid out of the crib, just sets her down in the bedroom to tinker around and amuse herself for a lil bit.  Me and mom go back to each other.  We're frisky, hands are going everywhere, tongues are in action.  Baby is picking up random objects and throwing them around the room for fun.  Duck, here comes a troll doll...watch out for that stuffed animal.  Our clothes are starting to come off, lust is in the air.  Here's the real mood killer though.  Out of the corner of my eye, baby has picked up something that makes me wretch, its utterly horrible.  I tell the girl that "its too soon, I dont feel comfortable doing it yet".  This works for now, and we go to bed after laying the kid back down.  Do you REALLY wanna know what the baby had?  I know I'll never be able to for get it.  That image of Vagisil has been forever burnt into my mind...  
  I stand in the refrigerated downtown night reading someone else's paperback. The sodium light pinks the page and drags the bleeding light from my already weary eyes.  When the bus finally shows itself I close the book and pull out my transfer. The driver looks me square in the eye with his patent leather sunglasses. He doesn't even pause as he drives on.  Next time I'll send up a flare.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You can be great in bed but if you don't hold me after, you're just as lame as designer impostor cologne.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On my last birthday, a friend & I got lit at a local bar.  Three glasses of champagne, two shots, two car bombs, and two martinis later, I'm puking violently in the parking lot.  Sitting with my head in my hands, watching chunky drool spill from my lips, I hear a man say, "Hey, do you need a ride home?"  He continued to hit on me as I pointed wordlessly at my friend's car beside us.  Being hit on while vomiting is sadly one of my life's more validating moments.  At least I know I looked really hot that night.  
  my spine melted into the crackling ice of the burbonontherocks quote what a day not being able to come up with one damn good reason why she shouldnt kill herself faking all the way for eighteen hours straight oh shes alive and all but i cant help feel like i lied to her all night long ethics and morality mean little in the face of existential phenomenological suicide whatever i dont just want a new job i need a new job need another please questionmark endquote         
  I feel good about myself by making my life sound more dramatic than it really is.  So, if someone asks me what I'm going to do, I say something like, "Should Lady Luck smile upon me, I will take a massive shit.  However, if I am unable to complete said action, I will know that Baal's Black Hand hath thwarted me."  That's about the time people stop talking to me.  
  semen leaves a calcium stain (Club soda i say to those of you who make a mess all the time.) Those white stains on some people's teeth. they are born with them. it's a calcium stain too.  just something to think about.  
  Today at work I was going through and editing the size of pictures in a PowerPoint presentation about safety in the work place.  It had around 200 slides of different kinds of work related injuries, demonstrating the injury by showing various pictures of it.  Around slide 100 there was a very displaced picture of two lady bugs getting it on.  Around slide 150 there was a picture of a little kid chilling by a lake with his ass hanging out.  I have to wonder, was the person who created that slide show a disgruntled employee who had just taken enough shit and finally lost it?  And well, I wasn't told to delete any slides...so I didn't.  It's definitely the little perks that make it all worth it.  
   "1984" Meets Shakespeare  When I woke up and found myself in hospital, first thing I noticed was that there were five sticky pads on my torso, with wires snaking to a box in my pocket. A heart monitor. Neat little device, really: it broadcast my heartbeat to a screen at the nurses' station. If my heartbeat vanished, an alarm would sound. Very comforting. BUT, if I tried to sneak downstairs to the cafeteria, or even just to the shop for a newspaper, I went out of range, and the hospital-wide intercom would announce: "[Limbo] please return to 2B immediately."  "1984" meets Shakespeare: "2B or not 2B..."   
        I will never ever make the mistake of going to Europe with my grandparents.  They insist on Mexican food EVERY meal. Do you know how hard it is to find a Mexican restaurant in rural Luxembourg?   
  Since I've started getting home from work around 7am, I've started watching a lot of morning talk shows. When they do the traffic reports, I'm seeing my apartment in the background a lot more often than I would have imagined. It made me wonder how many times the traffic copters have seen me peeing in the field behind the cel phone tower in front of my apartment. Today I discovered there is a 24hr traffic webcam on a telephone pole at the other end of that field.   
  Spending your night playing poker. Lowbrow? Nah.  Spending your night playing poker with 16 other people in an informal tournament. Lowbrow? Nah.  Spending your night playing poker with 16 other people in an informal tournament while a boxing match occurs in the back yard. Lowbrow? Nah.  Spending your night playing poker with 16 other people in an informal tournament while a boxing match occurs in the back yard inside a ring constructed from electric fence wire that's charged so it'll shock anyone who touches it. Lowbrow? Just maybe.  Spending your night playing poker with 16 other people in an informal tournament while a boxing match occurs in the back yard inside a ring constructed from electric fence wire that's charged so it'll shock anyone who touches it and the "bell" used to start and stop fights is actually just a carbon charred brass pole that used to be in the local nudie bar that burned down. Lowbrow? I'd say yes.  
  La Tuna Canyon  I rented this crappy room in this crappy house for a few weeks and had this really fat roommate named bobby who acted a little gay. first day I moved in he told me this story about the nite before -- they had a big party and when he woke up he felt some unknown licking on his dick - turned out to be some sleazy chick in his bed... he told her to get lost. so she rolled over and then he heard this squishing sound... bobby said "dude, it smelled like la tuna canyon" - i never heard of la tuna canyon, but I got the tuna concept - she was fingering herself... he kept shouting "la tuna canyon!" over and over.  a few weeks later I was talking to bobby in his room - I was surprised to see that he had this picture of my old girldfriend rhonda in his room - very cute thin blonde... I asked him, "you know rhonda?"  he said "Yeah, we dated for a while..."  I never even got a picture.  
  Was once on a tour by boat of New York City (oh, the scenic Hudson River!).  Saw a couple having sex on the riverbank, clearly having sex, visible to about two blocks' worth of Manhattan.  The guy could see us (he was the one who was on bottom and not naked); he waved.  Nice fella.  About two minutes later, the boat passed a scout troop.  They mooned us.  I can only assume, if the scouts were headed in the direction that I think they were, that these two anecdotes bumped into one another several minutes later...  
  I took my American fiancee to meet my mother. We stayed over.  In the morning, my fiancee got up early and decided to do a laundry, since we'd been on the road for a while.  She asked me where the washer was, and I sleepily told her.  I forgot to mention that the inlet valve was stuck open, so you had to turn off the water by hand.  An hour later, I slide out of bed and into two inches of water.  The downstairs neighbours had to move out for a month while their place dried out.  My mom's take: "That's just like something  those  (Jewish) people would do"  Mom, you hideous old bigot, have you figured it out yet? You weren't gaining a daughter, you were losing a son.  
  My room mate believes relationships are all about a point system.  If you take out the trash, you get a point.  If you cook dinner, you get a point.  You get the idea.  Anyway, when you get enough points, you cash them in for sex.    If he's right, it makes you think.  Growing up, the whole winning tickets from skeeball and trading them in for prizes prepares you for your adult life.    After spending the better part of 2 hours and 20 bucks, you take your 200 tickets and trade them in for a model car and a pack of gum.  The finished car looks like crap and the gum was stale.  You find that, as with most relationships, you put all this time and effort into an activity that will only give you maybe 15 minutes of enjoyment, the end product is unsatisfactory, and afterward, you wonder if it was worth it.  
  Violet1211 wrote: "Next Monday at my college is "act on your crush" day.   Tuesday is "hungover because you made a fool of yourself and then bought a bottle of vodka to get as smashed as your heart" day.    Who the hell thinks these things up?"  I have your answer... realist. Realist who like to watch people suffer.   
  My roommate and I are having a silent war over toilet paper.   I keep buying charmin ultra soft 2 ply and she keeps buying the 1 ply "bargin brands" that feel like sandpaper.       In Bulk. It's like asking for unsweet tea.  I just don't understand.  
  She looked gave me the usual cold stare as she walked past me in the bar.  The fact that I was holding a brightly coloured handbad didn't help my cause.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work in the Butchers department of a Supermarket when I was at high school. In my second Saturday in the job, I was in the big walk in chiller where they keep the fresh meat, cleaning it. I had a big bucket of water with some really strong cleaning shit in it. I was happily cleaning away when I accidentally knocked the big bit of beef that they cut T-Bone steaks off of into the horrible soapy, chemically and now dirty water. I fished it out, gave it a quick wipe to dry it and put it right back on the shelf.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Finally realizing that the girl I loved was through with me, done, never to be heard from again, pretty crap.  But coming home to my rental and finding a playboy for the former tenant in my mailbox, well, the wonder of the universe may not do it, but free porn at a needed time, that'll make me believe in a higher power.    
  I have a "sex towel."  It's yellow.  I put it under me when I masturbate, and I use it to wipe up jizz after I have sex.  And every time my bitchy sister stays at my place, I put it out as the guest towel.  
  Overheard outside in the alley after last call. "Goddamn it, you got me drunk just so I'd give you a blow job." - - "No, I love you." "I don't even know you. You couldn't remember my name a minute ago." Hey guess what she gave him the blowjob.  
  Every time I brush my teeth I thoroughly examine my toothbrush first, looking for dingleberries, smelling it, just to make sure my roommate didn't stick it up his ass.  Thank you, lowbrow.com, for making me paranoid.   
  quotes all around better to pissed off then pissed on plato questionmark fucking right exclamation no i think you misunderstood i was referring to your mind not plato p l a t o but play doh you know the smelly kiddy goo that dries up and becomes worthless after about a week  he took a swing at me and broke his hand on the pole i was leaning on after i moved slightly to avoid his looping punch everyone laughed to tears i felt like an ass        
  ran a 10k today. wore a pad. pads hold in heat really well. hot crotch.  
  4 in the morning drunk high whatever -the important thing is  out of smokes  and no store open within a reasonable distance. Frenchy starts rolling smokes from the tobaccy in the huge piles of butts in the ash tray. This method has been employed so many times that there is a name for it:  Disgusta-butt     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To the teenage readers: Have you ever been walking around at night with your friends, and then down the street, you see a car flashing it's lights at you? You dont think of anything, and just watch the car as it comes closer and closer. You being the tough teenager, you plan to glare at the driver, and finger him as he passes you. So as the car nears, you start to feel hyped, and ready to make a stand. But the car flashes his lights once more, then accelerates. You dont phase, but then the driver swerves right into your path! You freak, and dive away, like in some movie. So when you're lying there, the driver hits reverse, and stops beside you, laughs, then drives off. All you see is some asian kid, just about your age... heh... that's me. ;D  
  I once went with a chick who told me that she really got off on anal sex, but that she was afriad to try it with me because she said that I have "a very big dick". I guess it's true what they say that every silver lining has a cloud.  
       no matter what holiday it is, I guarentee you that I will always find time to masturbate.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went out clubbing one evening to find that my favorite bar had been rented out downstairs for a sorority party.  Usually being a 21+ club, they allowed 18 and up but weren't allowed to serve alcohol downstairs.    So it's a sorority party and the girls each brought two dates.  I figured, "Hell, I'll stick around and make fun of some people".  So I was chatting with the bartender downstairs, all the while making fun of the music that you would only hear at your senior prom and at your wedding.  No good trip-hop, jungle, drum 'n' bass...  Only the Eagles belting out another verse of Hotel California, or Snap singing early '90's dance music with "I've got the Power".    Now, at this point, the scene just went from bad to worse, as the 18 year olds decided to smuggle in booze.  Mind you, now, that it wasn't even quality booze.  Like maybe a bottle of vodka or gin, or even good beer, but it was Keystone Light.    I'm a big lover of beer, but if I'm going to smuggle in alcohol, I'm going to smuggle in Sierra Nevada, or Guiness, or something that at least is more than $2 a six pack...          
   Limbo Slaps the NY Times Upside The Head  To the Editor: Now that Abner Louima and "The Central Park Jogger" are back in the current news, I wonder once again why we know Abner Louima's name, yet we don't know the name of "The Central Park Jogger" (though a recent article on an upcoming book by her suggests that she will disclose her name). Whoop-de-do. When and if Abner Louima decides to write a book, he no doubt will disclose his name too, but I doubt that will bring him any extra book sales. The New York Times has a strict policy of not revealing the names of sexual assault victims. I understand and support the policy, but I have a question: How come I know Abner Louima's name? Doesn't being assaulted in the rectum by a wooden pole qualify as sexual assault? Personally, in a purely injury-avoiding pracical sense, I'd rather be sodomized by a policeman than by a wooden pole wielded by a policeman. Please take a close look at your editorial policies, and then apologise to Abner Louima.  
  There's something extremely satisfying in eating an entire meal of corn.  Corn in the shit the next day.  Corn in the shit the following day.  Can he pull a three-peat?  
  a chinese resturant in my town was shut down.  the write-up in the paper revealed they stirred their soup with a tree branch.  i laughed through my sadness.  they had great eggrolls.  
  I was fired from my job today.  They said my personality was "too eccentric..."  It's okay, though... I have four more where that one came from.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think the worst possible prank to pull on someone would be to eat a lot (and I mean a LOT) of asparagus, then 20 minutes later, piss in the air conditioning unit of his or her car.  They'd be smelling asparagus pee all summer.  
  me:  "there's your weed box"  my roommate:  "it's not my weed box, it's my black box"  me:  "...with weed in it"  
  I'm not all cock-sucking, pussy eating and drug dealing. I scored over 1400 on my SAT's.  I teach High School Juniors an SAT prep course. (scary, isn't it. :-P Associated lowbrow moments include driving straight from class at a Catholic HS to compete in an amateur gay strip night... I won 3rd place, but I digress.)  My class ended tonight, I told the kids if they were good I'd buy them all ice cream.  They was my worst class ever, but just this once--they sat quietly, and might have even learned something.  So they all piled into their cars, and we rolled out to Baskin Robbin's. Not until we got there did I tell them it was free scoop night.  *shrug* Hey, they still got their free ice cream.   
  I made the mistake of going with my friend and his family to Costco. While there, I desparetly needed to use the restroom. While in the stall with my gfriend and his brother just outside waiting, two guys walk in to use the urinals. One guy(sounded older) hocks up a lugi and spits it into the urinal he was using. He proceeds to turn to the other guy and say: "That's why they call me 'Spits'" and they left.   Needless to say, I no longet go to Costco.  
  When I was home from college I worked two jobs.  One was at a Blockbuster.  I had just gotten off work at like 2:30 AM and a cop had pulled me over.  As soon as his spotlight hit me my head burst into immediate pain.  I had been working 15 hours.  A car matching mine had been "terrorizing residents".  I tried to explain that I just got off work.  I still had my Blockbuster shirt and name tag on for Christ's Sake.  "License and Registration."  30 minutues later, turns out it wasn't me after all.  Big fucking surprise.  He laughs and tells me he's got a movie to return tomorrow.  Maybe I can hook him up with a free rental.  I smile.  I gave him a 35 dollar late fee instead.  
  I've known this girl for the vast majority of my 24 years on this shitbox, we used to date, thought we were gonna get married, etc.  Well, we didn't and we're best of friends now.   side note: every guy needs really good female friends.  Mine have stood up for me better against shit talking than even my bros have.  Some of the shit talking has been from my bros, but that's another time  So I hadn't seen her in a while cuz she got married, had a kid, then got divorced.  We start hanging out again, and sorta seeing each other again and it looks like that whole soulmate thing all over again.  Well, again, it doesn't go and I basically had to turn her down.  We've known each other all this time, been on making out terms for prob. 5 or so years of this time and we haven't had sex.  Not that she isn't attractive or I don't want her or I'm gay or anything; I know that if we had sex, she'd read more into it than I would (I'm a guy, duh!) and I'd end up, in her words, "ruining the sanctity of our relationship"  She's too much of a friend.  Tangent:  Her sister has exactly the kind of body I've always wanted.  She is HolyJesushot!  Ass for days, handful, perky tits, great tummy, etc.    Problem:  I can't get with her, cuz it'd hurt my friend too much.  Plus, she's only 17.  Complication:  She turned 18 about three weeks ago.  I'm over at her house, dropping off the key I borrowed when babysitting my friend's daughter.  She asks me how come I didn't get her a present.  I say I didn't know what she wanted.  She said alcohol.  I said for when?  She said I'm getting drunk today if you get me alcohol.  She was standing a little too close to me to think this was just innocent.  Now, if I fuck her, it'll be awesome, but I'll devastate my friend if she finds out.  If I don't, I'll have the knowledge that I could to haunt me to the grave.  I also know that the now-18 year old is not the most truthful person, and in fact dislikes my friend.  What to do?  I did what I should do...   Got her ripped, fucked the holy hell out of her (all three holes, about twice each), then went to church and prayed she'd forget.  
  It's pretty low when the only time you feel any real passion is when you think about money or lack thereof.  
   The Hollywood Blowoff, Take 2  It's dweeby, but it gets to be lots of fun towards the end:  I give her computer to him, but it's not going to do them much good: in order to log on, you have to deal with the fact that the password is the license plate of my oldest sister's boyfriend's first car. In Scotland.  And now, about 20 minutes ago, it just got absolutely raw. He writes, asking for the password. Me: I'm sorry that you have to be the intermediary in this, because I like you a lot and have no issues with you whatsoever. I would really like to go eyeball-to-eyeball with your woman sometime, but she's hiding behind you. However, I just put my life on hold and spent 60+ hours coming up with the perfect configuration for her recording studio, and then suddenly got blown off without a word. The worst thing I wrote to her was: "Ouch, ouch, and fucking ouch!" The sudden-wordless-blowoff is fairly common over here, I've found, but I do not understand it. As a result, I am royally pissed. When I received the computer, it was locked down with an impenetrable password. I spent 16 hours breaking it open and configuring it with several thousand dollars' worth of recording studio software. So I returned it in exactly the same state: locked down with an impenetrable password.  (Then I really start to have fun...)  Would you like to know the level of my hurt? Suggest to her that as a password she try "golddigger."  Suggest she try "failed_makeup_artist." Suggest she try "Hollywood-blathering-dilettante-wannabee." Suggest she try some nasty expressions that she might be able to imagine. Once again, I'm sorry that you have to be the intermediary. Be careful with that woman, because she has sides that you have never seen. I would strongly recommend that you actually hire someone else to be your power of attorney. And of course, none of those passwords will work, because the actual password is my oldest sister's first boyfriend's first car's license plate. In Scotland. I will sell it to you for reimbursment for the time I spent working on the actual computer: 16 hours at $75/hour. Comes out to about twice what the computer is worth.  So unfortunately, that's where we are.  
  take a rather large box, cut 2 arm holes in the sides, but left the flaps so they close. cut a small slit in the front to see through. crouch down on the corner of the street, and wait for people to walk up. then stand and dance around.  we'd push the crosswalk button and wait for the cars to all stop, then dance across the intersection. you'll get so many laughs and dirty looks at the same time, you'll be surprised.  
     so we cut off the dog catcher, speed down the block, jump out and grab this huge pitbull and throw him in the back of my car andd speed off.  now we have a new dog named chico.  For a little while, it was like we were in a movie.    cool stuff like this hardly ever happens.     
  I drink, and truely enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon!!  
  i was walking from one class to the next on a sunny spring day  it was so nice i wore a white t-shirt and fine light colored khaki shorts  felt a fart coming on, launched and suddenly realized it was more than just air   the damage was severe. i completely soiled the whole back end of my shorts...just as if i sat in a puddle of mud  four distinct things came instantly to mind:  -the quarter mile walk across the field to the nearest bathroom -no extra underware -the large crowd of people behind me -this girl i just met recently saw me from across the field and was coming over to say hi  i think that was the worst day of my life.      
   The only rule at the "All You Can Eat Sushi for $15.99" is that you have to eat the rice with the sushi. No just eatin' the fish as you pay extra for the sashimi.  And the eagle-eyed mama-san is watching you the whole time with a dour face making sure that they don't taken advantage of by slimeballs like me and my friends. She turns her back - quickly peel the rice off and fold it into your napkin. Whew, she didn't see. Then another. And another. And another Soon, we all have nicely-formed baseball-sized sticky-rice-balls in our concealed in our napkins. She's going to the kitchen! Quick, roll em under the yuppie-lawyers' table over there.  Done! Mama-san comes out of the kitchen with Miso. She spies the riceballs on the floor under their table and starts hurling apparent insults at them in Japanese. They don't understand what she's talking about. We are biting our lips trying to hold it in. "Ahem, Excuse me Miss - another round of sushi here please and a couple more large Asahi Dry....."  
  I was asked if these moments I post are true. Son, I've done some pretty low things, but I've never lied on the Brow.  
  I shaved my head into a "horse shoe" haircut for picture day in highschool for ten dollars.  I'd have done it for free.  
  Whenever I drive home to San Francisco from work in Silicon Valley (usually at night), I pass by San Francisco International Airport on Highway 101, and this little nano-second strong-arm impulse seizes me.  I see myself taking the exit that I just passed by and parking the car somewhere, just somewhere.  Running up the escalators and buying the next ticket to London, Kuala Lampur, or Ibiza... walking through the terminal to the gate, the rising excitement I am unable to control.  And sitting there for, how long, an hour, ten?  Am I doing the right thing?  What and who am I leaving behind?  Do I change my mind?  Do I try to eat my decision?  Or am I already on the plane, penniless adventuress?  Before I know it, I'm trying to find parking in front of my apartment, where the frame of my little life ties me down.  
  You know, I should really stop posting low brow moments drunk...today I came across this one and realized I left out the most important part...  Original Post:  ***TWO months ago I remember counting my condoms, making sure I had plenty in stock so I didn't have to worry about buying them for a while. There were 26.  Tonight I used the last one.***    I probably should have mentioned I have no boyfriend to speak of and most the time, guys bring their own condoms. Yea...now I sound much better, eh?    
  I was at the bus stop with my firend Cathy when this guy who always seemed a little... off... to me approached us and started making really bad jokes.  Him: "How do teddy bears drive?"  Me: "I don't know, dude, how do teddy bears drive?"  He proceeds to wave his hands in front of his face like a showgirl and gives a big smile, revealing his braced yellow teeth.  Cathy and I smile politely and give the connoisseur of comedy a courtesy laugh.  Inside I'm wishing I had the balls to push him into traffic.  
  Walking with my American girlfriend through a grassy London suburb where it seems that everybody enthusiastically gardens, with flowers and vegetable rows everywhere, we come across the local pub. They're usually named "The Kings Arms" or some such, but this one is named "The Slug And Lettuce," with a vivid picture of a fat slug eating a prime lettuce. Of course we stop in for a pint. The conversation inside is rather dull, if you're not much into gardening...  
        So, when the Pastor asks, "Are there anymore questions?" the appropriate response is not, "Why do men have nipples? I mean, really?"    
  The mother's and mine conversation's are kind of chain related. One thing leads to another, but to the other person the new topic seems really out there. So we're talking about economics, then medication, then insurance, then... Mom: My insurance doesn't cover pregnancy, so don't get pregnant.   Yeah  because, you know, that's my general goal as a virgin.  
  fighting on the internet is like running in the special olympics even if you win you are still retarded  
  For as long as I can remember I have hated christmas time. Dont get me wrong there is one part of Christmas I cherish, the drinking. Getting loaded with my friends, at the only time of year when I away from work, at the same time as the rest of the human race, always results in enough funny shennanigans to get us all through the rest of the year.    Its just something shitty always happens to me around Christmas.   This year, after two years of living together, the love of my life decides shes leaving me. Because she, "Cant see a future in us and cant stay with someone with no future!!!???" Translation, "I started fucking the guy from work who does kick boxing, and I'm leaving you for him"  So I do what most guys do, think "fuck it" and start fantasising about all the action i'm gunna get now i'm single.   3 week and no joy later, i'm sitting in my local completely blitzed when up walks an ex. Now shes no stunner (imagine Mr Burns from the Simpson in a wig)and shes a complete stalker, but I know her, and shes easy to talk to, we have a laugh.   With a couple more drinks and a sack full of hormones added to situation were heading back to her place. On the way back to hers I remember the dirty sex we used to have (why is it always the ugly ones who are the best lays, and the easiest to get on with?)We walk faster.  The next day I dont remember shit, except taking turns rimming each other and finishing on her face.  I leave.  I go home.  Time passes. At least until the stinging started. Every time I pissed there it was.  My common sense had left that night with my ability to focus, so "going in" bare-back seemed just dandy.  So there I was this morning (13th of December,) at the local sex. health clinic with a nurse who looked like one of the munchkins from the wizard of fucking oz, sticking what looked to me very much like a cocktail stirrer, and a cotton bud(q-tip)down the eye in my cock. And now I have to take anti-biotics which means no drinking, and no sex for two weeks. Which would take me up to the 27th.  What comforting words did I get when I left the clinic with a red face and a sore cock?   The little nurse who suddenly looked more like she had a second job at the north pole,  smiled,  waved and said   "Have a merry christmas........."    
  So we're talking on the phone for the first time in months, (at least civilly) when she throws this gem at me:  "Since we split, I've come to realize that you are one of those people who others either love or hate, there's no in-between."  My reply: "So, which are you today?"  
  I used to reverse-shoplift healthfood stores. I'd smuggle in a package of baloney or a pork chop and leave it in the cold case next to the soy milk and rice dream faux-icecream. Eventually some hardcore vegan would complain to the management and demand they get rid of everything that may have touched it.  Hot fun in the summertime.  
  When my ex-girlfriend was asking me a question about me loving her or some other bimbo.  I was not paying any attention and of course I said the wrong thing.  The next thing I remember was this loud  smack  and I went down. Man...being slapped by a beautiful woman is worse than being shot at.  
  If it were legal to sock people for being jerks, there would be a hell of a lot more common courtesy going around.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you ever been in the shower with your significant other and peed on them with out their knowlage?  ........ahhh yes it's the little things in life that keep us going  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my first visit with my redneck cousins ---  i was raised in washington dc, but my mom's family all live in the vicinity of sanford, n.c.  when i was 13, we went to visit them. it was like another world, albeit a boring world full of shitty houses and pine trees.  my cousin levi and i got along quite well (it seemed) until he took me for a ride on his dirt bike, out into the pines, at sunset.   he left me five miles from the nearest house, laughing as he rode off. it took me all night to find my way to a phone to call for my panicked parents.  well, i just heard that levi (now 24) is in jail in myrtle beach, south carolina, for trafficking cocaine.  hope you get butt raped, you stupid hick.    
  getting soapy handjobs in the shower is great.   the painful piss later because of soap in your urethra is lowbrow.   
  my cock is crooked (to the left). when ever i get a hard on, i have to move my leg, cause my cock is pushing into my leg. very uncomfortable. so if you see man on the subway, sitting down, who then checks out some fine lady, look to see if he moves his leg left leg, it could be me, you never know.  
  Me and R and W went for a walk around the city, bored out of our minds. In someone's front yard, there was this sign that read 'Free Wood - Take One', where apparantly, they were giving away free fire wood or something.  Being that there was no fire wood around, I took the sign instead. I walked around town with the sign rested on my shoulder, like some kind of protester. People would slow in thier cars to look at me with the greatest expressions on their faces. I laughed almost the entire way home.  When we got back, it was then I discovered my fly was open the entire time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Overheard conversation at a party:  Woman: "Yeah, when he first met me he said you must be an artist!" (looking at guy to provide backup for flattering anecdote)  Man: (with disinterested flat tone) "I said I you must be autistic."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My hand was now inside of her jeans, thanks to her opened zipper.  Moving along on her nice red panties.  Eventually, I get a little braver, and put my hand inside said panties, starting from the top down.  As I slowly move my hand down and inside, I realize that I'm mere inches away. This is getting serious.  Her name is called from upstairs.  "What?"  "His parents are here."  Thanks a FUCKING lot Dad.  
  I looked up some girls dresses at the memorial service.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If God didn't want us to masturbate, he would make our fingers stubbier. Or he would have made chicks sluttier.  
  this girl once told me a story about how her aunt ran over and killed an elderly gentleman, and how his twin died mysteriously the next day of unrelated causes miles and miles away.  she was kinda cute, and laughed the whole way through it, so i always remembered it as a hilarious story.  but when i tell it, i'm the only one laughing, and people give me funny looks.   
  don't ever tell a masochist, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  
  The bums in Santa Barbara, CA are surprisingly clever.  They do things like put a blanket out along the beach next to the pier with a bucket of water saying "Make a Wish" so people throw their change in it.  Smart, really.  Except for that one guy on a corner in front of a liquor store on the major street downtown who was so drunk he couldn't stand up.  But oh how he tried.  
  You guys think you've got it bad?  I live in Denton, TX.  And during the summer, I'm in Corpus Christi.  Anyone that's lived around any of these 2 towns could tell you that they're both shitty areas to live.  
  When my grandmother died, she died in her sleep. Well she always takes out her dentures to sleep. So, when we got her to the hospital, they told us that we had to go back her house and get her dentures so they could be put in before rigormortis set in. Well, I was ok with that, until I got the dentures back to the hospital and they made ME put them in her mouth and then hold her jaw closed for about 5 mins. My head got even more fucked up by havin' to do that!!!!!!!!  
  Once when I was about 8 years old a female friend of mine and I went down the street from my house and visited some of the local teenagers at their mutual friend's house. They offered us hostess crumbcakes if we would perform mock sexual acts in the living room and bedroom for them to watch. We proceeded to lay on top of each other nude and touch each other's privates for the scrumptuous cakes.   Why can't adults offer me tasty snacks to have sex with other willing adult females who want the same snacks?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm a cashier at food lion.  I steal food stamps.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she completely crushed me says he to me as if i am interested in his highschoolized version of the everlasting hammer of love fucked up something about those stories though if the person is honest you cant help feeling sorry for them no matter how stupid or fucked up the person is         
  I just wrote three heartfelt emails (if such a thing can even be said) with my pants bunched up at my ankles and spooge sprayed across the crotch of my underwear.  In fact they still are.  One was to my mom.  The spooge by the way was mine.  
  Was in a grocery store once, doing some shopping.  Happened to be in the meat department.  All of a sudden, I started feeling bad.  30 seconds later, *WHAM*, I blow chunks all over the cooler with the shrink-wrapped meat in it.  COVERED.  One of the employees goes "oh my god", and points me to the restroom "are you okay?" etc.  About 20 minutes later I came out after having cleaned myself up and making sure I wasnt going to do it again.  The meat cooler was spotless.  No sign of the vomitage.  It was as if it had never happened.  
  Coming home from a school game with one of my older brother's friends. He asks to come in to say hi to my brother, who is back from college for winter break. I say sure and we go inside, passing through the kitchen to see if my brother is watching TV. We find my father at the kitchen table, passed out, face first, in a bowl of mashed potatoes. "I guess he's upstairs," I say, and turn around. "Aren't you gonna see if he's ok?" The friend asks. "Wasn't planning on it," I reply. "Good for you." We go upstairs and find my brother. My father stumbles upstairs a few minutes later. I guess I didn't need to help him anyway.  
  waiting for the remedy for the grip of flu waiting for my innerds to become outerds in any second and the bride of dr zeus is miscounting salt tablets for someone who wouldnt show up for another hour  oops tee hee i lost my coun again tee heet ok oops tee hee i lost my bowel control all over your pharmacy tee hee i better leave now       
  My co-worker and her live-in have the kind of relationship where they're comfortable enough to pee and fart in front of each other. I teased her, saying that the honeymoon was over. Yesterday morning my fiancee farted (loudly) as we were getting ready for work and nonchalantly excused himself. Sigh.  "It's the end of an era," I thought.  
  So after we had sex, she told this woman Sandy that I work with "did you ever have sex with someone, and it felt DIFFERENT?  Kind of tingley and stuff?"  Sandy said "yeah, stupid, that's an orgasm"  And then she got back together with her old boyfriend, now they're married.    Hell, I didn't care.  It's her lowbrow moment, not mine.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i sometimes take my cell phone into the bathroom and sit on the toilet. i don't actually need to "use" the facilities; i just wanna get away from my sickening job.  i sit on the toilet and play games on my phone. how's that for hating your job?  
  Today was shaping up to be my best day in a while. I started out wearing khaki pants. Then I decided to fucking jerk off... assuming I would have to change said pants for obvious reasons. Well, after I'm done I look down and my pants are completely fucking clean. Not a fucking hint of jizz anywhere. A rare and lucky break indeed.  But then it started raining outside. I just said fuck it and put some blue jeans on.  
  Lying.  On a beach.  Fetal position.  Musta been 2 AM.  I'm drunk.  I'm stoned.  I'm barely concious.  I can't move under my own power.  I feel awful.  My friend puts the tube of the bong in my mouth, and lights the bowl.  I take a huge fuckin' hit.  That's kinda low, I think...  
  brother and parents visiting from out of town... denny's for breakfast greasy hamburgers for lunch mexican food for dinner denny's for breakfast again today my shitter has more battle scars than Tom Berringer in a war movie.  
  Nothing says good sex like having the neighbors complain about your dog howling... and not having a dog.   
  It was during the break at a movie-marathon at the local cinema, after just having watched two comedy's, when we overheard the following conversation:  A: Well those movies were 'nice' I just hope the next movie is something with a lot of action  B: yeah  A: It's not that they have to shoot everything down...  B: ...but just stab someone a few times  A: yeah that would be nice       
  She looked into the bowl of peanuts on the bar and exclaimed, "that's more mono-nuts than I've seen in my whole life!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  16 yrs old, had just gotten my driver's license, and was on the way to a buddy's house to pretend we were destitute and punk.   guess i wasn't watching close enough or something, but i was at an intersection and next thing i know there's some bearded guy with withered legs flying over the hood of my car. he knuckles over to my open window (i contemplated rolling it up but i'm not that much of a bastard) and starts screaming at me for not seeing him in his low-riding wheelchair.  i apologize, and as he takes off down the sidewalk i suddenly don't feel very punk anymore.    
  One of my friends named Kyle is uncut.  I think its very funny.  Everytime he makes fun of me or I do something stupid in his presence I just look at him and say, "At least Im cut!"    He is also very shy around people, so of course, I take advantage.  We were talking within a somewhat large group of people and he was being very quiet.  I shouted arcross the table, "Come on Kyle, come out of your shell!"  He knew exactly what I meant.      
  If the Phantom from 'Phantom of the Opera' got into a fistfight with 'Jean Valjean' from Les Miserables, who would win?  
  ....seven years old on a school field trip....on a grey wintry day to the steel pier in Atlantic City NJ. A sad yellow school bus carries a group of bewildered kids through the late-sixties run-down slums and lets them off on the boardwalk. Sticky chewing gum on the floor, and splintered wooden benches surround the main attraction which consists of an 20 foot in diameter tub of water beneath what must have been a forty-foot high platform. And atop the platform is a horse (yes, a fucking horse) that some goons have winched-up. And with a long drum roll they proceed to push what has been billed as "the amazing diving horse"  from the platform. Legs flailing as he descended, we watched, amazed at the spectacle on offer, yet well-aware in our gut that something was terribly, terribly wrong. Thirty-years on, I still remember this pathetic sight and wonder to myself what sick and twisted mind could have conceived that this was entertainment......    
  When we were touring our apartment complex as potential residents, we couldn't help but notice that the girl showing us around had the biggest ass either of us had ever seen.  Three months later, we still giggle about it loudly and make jokes about her giant ass and how it could probably suck up a small child.  Yesterday, I found out that she lives behind us.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I lay there next to her thinking about the soft curves leading to her secret sweet place and how much I wanted to see her arch her back and disappear into pleasure, glad that I still wanted her after all these years.  "Did you take the trash out?" she asked        
  the fucking ignorance, the willful ignorance is what i couldn't take after she left without saying a word i blasted out of the parking lot and hit 65 on the next residential street tires screeching and messing with the cd player, and hit the window until it cracked in one of those spiderweb patterns not the first physical damage on that account and screamed my head off to no one it's real nice to rant about the higher ideals of truth and kindness and nobility and all that but fuck if you get unhappy enough that's all that matters  
  WAY Too Much Information  I was talking to my mom while she was digging under her bed for a pair of shoes.  She randomly paused for a moment saying, "Yep, it's still there."  I had no clue what the Hell she was talking about.  She then told me that she had found her dildo on her husband's side of the bed and had replaced it to her side.  A sadistic, morbid curiosity came over me when I realized that my mom hadn't been in town for 2 weeks, so I did the unthinkable, I asked what all of you are thinking: did he use it?  She told me that she found "evidence" that he did.  That was enough for me to run out of the room, scarred for life.  I'll never be able to look at the twisted bastard the same way ever again.  
  I was looking at pictures from a few years ago with my mom and I commented on how I was homely. "Yup" my mom casually commented back, "that's cause you take after your fathers side".  it's weird when even your mom thinks your ugly... or is it just word sad?  
  sorry's double e's remind me of eyes. Forever watching me when I read his posts, gauging my reaction.  e_e...  LowBrowLimbo reminds me of a nose between two ears. He hears, smells.  LBL...  Furyiii looks like three arms, ready to grab me and pull me in.  iii...  cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com  It just looks like a penis. A long, hard penis.  
  the "employee of the week" selection process at the theater always seemed to avoid logic and justice.  i mean, i worked pretty well, and my other friend, he worked even better. and we never came to work drunk or high or anything...  but it seemed like the biggest stoners, and the guy that came to work drunk, and the convicted felon (who hadn't mentioned that at hiring) always seemed to come out ahead.   the month after the felon was given employee of the month, he robbed the joint, for a measly $500, and didn't bother to do it in any way that would have obscured his identity.  what a moron... they arrested him 2 weeks later.   last i heard, he was working at another movie theater.  
  Oooohhh,  AAaahhhh,   HHuuuummmm,  AAAhhhhhhwwwaaaa,   Hold on,  try not to jiggle so much,  I don't want my beer to fall off of your ass...  
  *THIS* is why I let myself go in the first place! Whenever I lose weight, my sexdrive increases 100%, which wouldn't be so bad except for the fact there's nobody worth using it on!  The kind of guys who make good longterm boyfriends or potential husbands, the 'A' List guys, are all spoken for; the 'B' List guys who really turn me on for shortterm fun are all psychos and more trouble than they're worth. That leaves the guys I feel NOTHING for. They really start hanging around once the extra weight comes off.  And only after I end up letting them waste my time do I remember how nice it was back when I had my BIG FAT SCARY ASS, fewer unreasonable hormones, got NO attention, and got to enjoy privacy, privacy, sweet privacy. Diet over, good riddance!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               i m trying to sleep after doing twenty four straight at winthrop hosp when i hear the sound of a trainwreck on west fifth i look out to see chelsea pete and okie walking toward my apartment ding zzzzt i buzz them up what the hell pete you plowed right into the hydrant says me its a rental says pete bewildered at my concern  
  in my mind, all of the girls who post lowbrow moments look like the girl who played sloan in ferris buellers day off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the hamster wouldn't fucking stop running. it was like the thing was training for the 10k or powering the northside with electricity. luckily, cats are more persuasive then yelling vulgar phrases at a rodent.  
  WARNING: SOME of these public pages MIGHT display some form of NUDITY   ( GASP !!! )    Here in the U.S., any form of nudity is considered HARMFUL, and a SHAMEFUL sin. But ANY form of VIOLENCE, like shooting, stabbing, rape, dismemberment, etc., is OKAY. In the U.S. we entertain ourselves and our children with these lessons of accepted brutal behavior...  But to display the full sight of God's own creation... That's BAD !!!  US network censors will allow no more than TWO SECONDS of love making, but will permit continuous HOURS of murderous axe hacking. Go figure...   If you are one of these pathetic hypocrites, don't go away mad...   JUST GO THE FUCK AWAY !!!     
  Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.        
  The creepy old lady with a million smelly cats crawling around her house---that's where I'll be in another few years.        
  i went to this "legendary" party. everyone (for the most part) was all drunk and/or high, and very happy. i'm enjoying myself and i see a boy who sparks my interest. he's kinda cute. tall. smiling. lets go hit on him.  so, we're talking, and i realize he's sober. he couldn't drink. we talked. cuddled on the couch... made out... eventually he made a move down my pants.... all the while, the other drunk (& mostly attractive!) guys are like "the only single girl is on the couch with the sober jock getting fingerbanged!"... no one thought it'd be a good idea to distract me....   so this poor horny drunk girl didn't get any drunken sex from a cute drunk boy.   what makes it worse is that the sober boy hasn't returned my call. boo!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Drunk at a frat party, I say to the girl going down on the bi fat dude sitting next to me on the couch: "You call THAT a blowjob?!"  He looks at me, raises an eyebrow and hands me a beer.  God, I wish I'd keep my mouth shut sometimes.  
   One Morning at Waffle House  She got up, her "breakfast" untouched. "I'm using the bathroom, then waiting in the truck." -- "Mm hmm." She walked by again before she left. "Look in the men's room before you leave. You owe me that much for bringing me here." -- "Mm hmm," I held up the check, flippantly, "My treat!" I payed and went to check out the men's room. Apparently she'd used it because of the line for the lady's was so long. There, plastered against the urinal in the cold morning light was a slimy, blue, full rubber.   
  Never shave the kitty cat bald then apply perfume to said area so you will smell good for the booty call that is about to come over and eat you out.  I must have held my crotch that felt like it was on fire for a good 20 minutes.  From now on...brushing my teeth is good enough.  
  Perkins Family Restaurant Adventures#1  Something odd .as much as I click and click there is still one type of story conspicuously missing from all these lowbrow moments the adventures of a short order cook at some shitty family restaurant.  So here are my stories of when I was younger, poorer and actually had a venue to pay back society by preparing their food.  Perkins in Southern MD. is 24 hours and this is a maxim the management lives by if you are a cook (or any other position) and fail to show you are automatically fired.  This puts undo stress on the graveyard shift persons on top of the weird hours.  So the Perkins I worked at was the only place open after 2am (in the whole county) and they would say  These doors are never closed!   This motto would change the day one slacking cook said 'its just a little fire on the grill   It was 4am and I retired to the break room with the rest of the staff I didn t smoke at the time so I sat closet to the door.  Before going to break I look at on of the grill and see a small fire I look above the grill for the cup of milk that should be there for putting out grease fires but no cup of milk so I bang the fire out with a spatula and leave.  A waitress sticks her head in the door to the break room and asks one of us to make some fries .soon to be lawyer, cop-loving fuckhead, Tim gets up and walks out the door.   can I get some milk!   (damn the fire never went out!)   CAN I GET SOME MILK!   (why isn t anyone else hearing this?  They just sit there smoking their cigarettes while I listen to my coworker fight a grill fire with a spatula)  At this moment (or the one before) I could rush out and grab some milk and save the day .and I would do so if it was little joe about to be burned up but not for the soon to be lawyer, cop loving fuck Tim I will just sit here, it will resolve itself.  At that moment a most horrific sound lets loose (the sound of Perkins closing for the first time!) that and the fire alarm and some screaming (a man) and another sound I cannot identify.  We pile out of the break room the noise I could not identify is that of poor kitchen design the architects of Perkins did not think that putting automatic sprinklers over grease vats (4 containing probably 15 gallons or so all together) would be a bad idea but it is a terrible idea in practice.    Cop lover is on the ground holding his face (presumably burnt)  and the kitchen area is full of the weird purple foam (presumably a fire retardant that does not react with grease they presumed wrong in this case).  So much confusion .there is a sociopath type urge to cause mayhem then be at the scene to watch it all unfold I hear a lot of those volunteer fire dept. guys suffer from this malady.  I was feeling that right then (totally on accident) but it a great feeling.  We help our coworker to his feet and out back to be hosed off (the purple foam).  According to cop lover when he realized the fire would not yield to his spatula he thought he might pull the grease vats out (from under the sprinklers) but as fate would have it the moment he went to grab vat one the sprinklers went off into the hot grease which in turn shot a weird foam/grease mixture back into his face!  It s a sad moment when you see a would be lawyer, cop loving fuck on the ground with first degree burns to his face and you can t laugh for reasons of political correctness and pending charges  so instead I make a joke  don t worry dude that darkman guy was burnt to shit and he still made like three movies     The commotion subsides another cook drives cop lover to the hospital and me and joe begin cleaning the kitchen.  I get to hang the CLOSED sign on the door!!  Me and joe get a few hours of OT and make our way to the Wildwood park at about 7am to get high before going to our respective homes at that moment joe holds up the keys the fabled managers key ring that unlocks all the Perkins locks!  He stole them during the ruckus I said well I start the fire so you have to give me half of everything you steal.     
  quote so wipe the spit of your face  and kick the fans ass i always say   endquote my my such violence and yes sometimes it is necessary    
  Have you ever lain in a cold shower, too tired to move, convinced you were going to die of heat exhaustion, and vomited up three bottles of cough syrup while peeing all over your leg?  no?  just checking.  
  Grocery clerk entry #7:  Vinegar, sour cream, any others?  These are only 2 examples of rotten food that people buy and consume.  I'm going to find a way to package and market rancid meat.  I'd make millions.  
  There are times I wish my life was more like LaDeeFrickinDa's.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Enjoying some people with my webcam i wrote "THUG" on my knuckles, only to put down the pen, and read "water resistant" on the side of it. yes the people at work are gonna have fun tomorrow   :(    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         First tattoo - Mom FREAKED First piercing - Mom FREAKED even MORE!!!! Second piercing - Mom FREAKED again!!  about 8 years pass... I'm 27 years old... Mom is 47 years old...  She calls me up one day and asks "did it hurt when you got your nose pierced?"    I can't bring myself to answer the question before I ask her "why on earth do you want to know??"    She says again "Well, did it hurt??"    I say "well, it hurt a little bit, not too bad.. but WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW???"  I shouldn't have asked....  She tells me "well, this new guy I'm dating is the dominant one in the relationship and he says that getting my nose pierced is a sign of sexual possession."  Within a week, Mom has her nose pierced and my psyche has been damaged forever.   
  Sitting in my motorhome, having a serious dicsuccion with a minor music industry executive about music piracy. It's very quiet, except for my 100Gig hard drive rattling and whirring away. I apologise for the noise. He says: "Oh, you're number-crunching somethine?" (A phrase he no doubt picked up somewhere, and has no idea what it means.) Me: "Yeah, I keep it busy." While thinking about the 30 people who were simultaneously downloading music from me.  
  So I was in McDonald's the other day and found that the amount of time that it takes the cashier to ring in your order is kept track of.  From now on if I go to McDonald's with a friend I get the cashiers to race each other.  Which one will be able to take our orders the fastest?  Who knows.  But it sure as hell embarasses the loser.  I mean to work at McDonald's and not even be the fastest order taker.  
  For all intents and purposes, I am a drug addict.    I have to take my antidepressants every day or I'll flip out.  I have before, and it was not a pretty site.  I realized that my pharmacist is my dealer, and I thought to myself:  "I should get diagnosed with glaucoma.  That way I don't have to make 2 trips to get the drugs I need."  Time to smoke another bowl of scraping and wait for my "other" pharmacist to arrive...  
  Member the PEN15 club?  Ya know... you write "PEN" and then the number 15 on somebody's hand and tell them they're "in the club now."  Yeah what a great middle school joke.  I did that to somebody in college.  He was 21 years old.  PEN15... wow... some people are too fucking sheltered.  
  Back in high school, I dated this girl for about 2 years.  We were both in the band and the theatre.  So on opening night she decides to give me a blowjob backstage.  During this time the director comes backstage and checks on the lighting system.  He sees us, grins and gives me a thumbs-up. I wave.  9-02-2003  
  I hate the double shits, triple shits even more. You know the ones, you get up from your desk, walk past the skanky secretary (who would blow you if you put $20 into the birthday fund), and hit the john. Its a little harder than normal to get it out, but out it comes. You clean up, walk back to your desk, but its back, it didnt quite finish the first time, you need to go back. Walk past that skanky secretary one more time, sit down again. Ahh that feels better. You sit and wait, even stand up, clean up and wait for a bit before you put your pants back on. The coast is clear, walk back to your desk, make it halfway, before round three decides its ready to come out...  
  sunburn.  four hours biking in the time period that it was reccomended you stay indoors  without sunscreen.  i have fucking second degree burns.  peel peel peel, itch itch itch.  go away cancerous skin, here come Mr. Duct Tape  rip ow rip ow rip ow  then it was nice and clean, and bloody dry. i'll just use this aloe vera gel for sunburns, i was using it before. (at the time, i did not know it contained alchohol to aid in evaporation and thusly heat transfer, wow, that sounds great for burns, cooling and such.)  rub it on.  ahhhh ah crap  hell has set up Base Camp Alpha on my shoulder and is waging enternal war etc etc  
   A fearful young man in my employ once said:     "I'm not getting married until I have no fucking choice."   I shuddered when I considered:   When would THAT be?      
  A friend of mine was given a bottle of tequila, not a word of english written on it, and crystal clear.  I say: "When you decide to open it, let me know."  One fateful night, the bottle was opened.  2 hours, and 6 or 7 shots each later, and that bottle was DONE.  I stumble home later that night, and head straight to bed.  The rest was told to me the next day...I remember none:  I got up, and was standing in the hall, holding my sister's t-shirt, muttering to it.  My mother comes out of her room, asks me if I'm drunk, points me to the bathroom, and leaves.  I do my business, exit the bathroom, turn right, and walk into the linen closet!  Hearing the commotion, my mother opens the closet door, and askes what in the hell am I doing in there!?  I say "Whew, it's hot in there, it must have been recently used."  What that means, I do not know.  I was pointed to my room, walked into it, and had wonderfully vivid dreams, and a massive hangover.  And I was lucky.  My friend puked all over his bed, and himself.  
  A few years ago, my girlfriend dumped me. And that made me feel bad.  Now, between the two of us, I'm not the one who hangs around hotel lobbies in my underwear during comic conventions to attract the attention of pedophiles. And that makes me feel  great .  
  I fell off the carport while making some repairs for the neighbors and right into some overgrown Oregon blackberries bushes in the empty lot next door.  It took hours for them to cut me out.  I had a lot of time to think while I hung from the thorny brambles watching my shorts dangle from a snarl about 8 feet above me.  "I really should start wearing underwear"  
  never let your friend set fire to the paper towel your holding in your hands.  especially not when the paper towel and your hands are soaked with 96% etanol.  well..  at least i don't got hairy hands anymore, that's good.  
  I found a clean gas station bathroom once, in a small town in the desert I was driving across.  I mean it was  spotless .  A light vanilla-fresh haze filled the air.  The slightly chipped sink shone like a beacon.  There wasn't a line of graffiti on the beige-tile walls.  I would have been okay eating finger foods off of the gleaming toilet seat.  I pissed all over the floor.  No gas staion bathroom should be  that  clean.  
  a little secret he tells me your job every job isnt brickwork or dentist or hacker  its communicator if you can speak  clearly you will succeed  to bust his ass i said so what the hell are you saying questionmark he didnt get the joke personally i think its a careful and tragic blend of communication reception emotion and sheer unadulterated psychosis attempting to find giggles in the mire of societal norms and taboos but i couldnt explain it very well        
  go with me on this one.  los angeles county (the county that encompasses los angeles) is larger in population than 42 states.  LA county encompasses 9.8 million people.  Can you imagine if just half of one percent (49,000) of those people started posting regularly to the l'breezee as i like to call it?  the quality content would go up tremendously.  im getting excited like tony little in the gazelle infomercial, just thinking about it.  i'm thinking of printing unauthorized lowbrowdotcom stickers and just sticking them everywhere.  Do I love the brow?  Yes I do.  The moment is me actually going to 4 different websites to compile those statistics.  If you know who tony little is, well you just had a moment yourself now didn't you.  if you bought a gazelle workout machine, well, ummm shame on you.  
  i stepped out of the office after speaking to the director as i was looking for a job stop him someone yells i see a man running toward me and dont move a lot i figger an open field rugby tackle would do the trick without hurting anyone i step to apply it and he takes a sharp right grabs the concrete divider slams his head into once slap and then a second time slap he falls backward unconcious as i slide on my knees to catch his head which is open and bleeding profusely before he hits the floor i hold him still and squeeze the laceration closed to stop the blood it has completely soaked my pants and tie i thought this is going to be one hell ride of a job        
  We sit in Social Studies class talking of world starvation. A nice little discussion. A large chubby arm is raised into the air. The resident fat girl of the grade decides to speak. She begins: "I dont want to make any assumptions, becuase ive never been in a situation where I didnt get enough to eat, but...." The entire class supresses laughter. she really walked into that one. heh.   
  Sluts are like moist towlettes - kinda gross, but in a pinch they do the job.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A couple of years ago, when my whole life was consumed by copious amounts of illicit substances, my stoner buddy and I went through the car wash at the Shell station.  Blasted out of our minds, we waited through the cycle, watching the suds and rollers flying over the car.  At the end of the cycle, it has those big blowers to dry the car.  That's when we got the idea...  The next day, we talked our friend who works at Shell to give us the complimentary car wash code so we could go through for free.  Again, we waited through the washing, smoking our blunt.  When the water stopped and the fans kicked on, we rolled down the windows, letting the high velocity air go flying through the car, kicking up fast food bags, cigarette packs, and other forgotten trash in the car.  Of course, when stoned, everything is funny.  We went through the car wash several times before leaving, only to come back later that day with more pot, more friends, and a video camera.  We set up the camera on the deck behind the back seat and let it film the contained tornado.  Weird, though.  It wasn't anywhere near as funny when we watched it the next morning.  
  so I got incredibly, off-my-face drunk this one time at a guy's birthday. Big tab on the bar.  At some point I left and I went home. Except I didn't make it all the way back. Instead, I collapsed in the gutter just outside my house.  That would all be standard, except for the woman who came walking along and looked down at me:  "Are you alright?"  "Uh... yeah, I'm great..."  "Okay then."  And she walks off.  Eventually I made it into the house and puked on the kitchen floor and the kitchen table and lay in it.  I can't quite work out whose lowbrow moment that is.  
  There are 5,000 types of poisonous snakes in the world.  4,998 live in Oklahoma.   Well..... again, why would anyone want to move there?  (It wasnt by choice!)    
  i went to breakfast at mcdonalds with a friend of mine this morning.  he spilled a bit of coffee in his lap and i laughed at that, because well, who wouldn't?  getting out of the car at my office, i spilled half of my cup of coffee onto my tie and lap.  had i seen the old woman behind me, i would've curbed my tounge a bit more.        
  Found a bumper sticker that said, "Ask Me About My Pain."  Fuck the car, I'm thinking about putting it on my forehead.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Jump up.   Your legs stay straight, don't they? Unless your Kaylynn, in which case they would bend naturally at the knee and ankle when you jumped straight up.  Bottom line: you'd look like a god forsaken barbie doll.  And she did.  In her hot pink fleece top and shiny spandex capris, and her hair all neatly put up.   And here she was, leading us in a warm up involving jumps, and looking like the sissiest thing you could imaging with those pathetic jumps. And varsity, who hated her to begin with, laughed at us.  The people she was leading.  But we still had to follow her. God forbid she pop the air balloon in her head for a while, stop begging for attention, and get something done seriously.   At least consider our reputation.       
  I'm not a doctor, but I play one when you are passed out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She said she's thinking about adopting the neighbor's dog, because they're moving and can't take it. So she lets it stay over at her house for a couple days to see if they get along.  The fat mutt spends most of the time sleeping, farting, licking itself, and throwing fits to get outside. It's the poster dog for canine whitetrashness. Finally she lets it out after a prolonged fit and it runs three feet into the driveway, plops down, and begins to lick itself some more.  I say it's a match made in heaven.   
  My girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago.  It hurts really bad.  She still loves me though, and enjoys spending time with me.  Me and my therapist are both fairly sure that she wants to get back together with me sometime down the road, she just has a lot of things to figure out in her life.  I'm thinking in 2-3 months I'll know.  I was kind of pathetic, we spent too much time together.  I'm trying to fix my life now, spend more time doing my own thing.  It's working really well, I'm a much more well rounded person, and if she ever does want me back, I'll be happier than ever.  But still I look forward to the next time I can see her, just so I can see how she reacts to me and try to judge what she's thinking.  I'm pathetic.  
  my dad and i were out painting once, right near a field where there were horses. we were standing there with our nice paper and our nice brushes and admiring the pretty blue sky and the pretty clouds and the horsies running.  then, one of the horses farted.  we still talk about it.  
  One I met a Hawaiian guy who was about 5'5" and 400 lbs. He had sores all over his mouth and tongue. When I asked how he had gotten them, he said he didn't want to talk about it.  
  apparently my boyfriend and i are some kinda makeout fiends. we will pretty much makeout anywhere as long as there arent peoples around. we are not a sideshow for others amusment. some of the stranger places we've been have been his kitchen floor while his mom was sleeping in the next room, in some weird woodsy area, and the elevator and stairs of a local highschool that neither of us attend. the longest we have ever made out was 3 hours......THREE FREAKIN HOURS!  but otherwise anywhere will do. i was told that us two are like rabbits without the sex.    *shrugs* im sure there are TONS of people worse than us. im not even sure why im posting this here. i guess im proud of pulling off getting a wonderful boyfriend that i can also do this shit with. its somthing new for me. eh so sue me, im enjoying myself way to much. btw...im not a pussy like a great deal of people posting, i used a REAL email addy. OooOoO arent i special!! *cough* *cough*  
  Just discovered by a strange linking of events exactly where my ex wound up and what he's doing these days. I was quite surprised, to tell the truth, since I'd imagined him dead so many times from so many painful circumstances that it shocked me he wasn't really deceased.  Of course, now knowing he makes toys for a living, I can invent entire new fantasies involving pedophile arrests and a series of gang rapes in prison, where he finally dies of a prolapsed anus in a bloodly pool Okay, now I'm hot.  
  Went camping in Ireland with three friends years ago. We camped in meadows and fields, stayed with farmers, and even spent the night at a lake.  The night we spent at the lake, we discovered we had no clean clothing left. So we wash them in the lake, light a fire to dry them, and start to get drunk.  After two hours we discover the fire is in no way adequate of drying our clothes.  So we just tie everything to my little red car, and go racing around the lake, in the middle of the night, drunk as a skunk, the radio blasting early Therapy?, with no lights on a dark, winding road in a foreign country.   I wish we had passed a native, so there would be stories going round in the pub of "the haunted red ghost-car decorated with bra's, knickers and shirts that nearly killed Noddy down at the lake"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I blamed the missing skin from a KFC chicked breast that was saved for tomorrow on my cat that loves junk food.  
  She looked at me and said "If the government ever tries to embrace me, I swear I'll scream rape!"  
  "Vermont, that's in Massachusetts,right?", she said. Both her and her husband waited for the answer. I nodded and turned back to the music.  
  The other day my friend told me that he had a new idea for a relationship book, fashioned after the style of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus":  He was going to call it "Men are Stupid, Women are Psychotic."  Immediately I shouted, "QUIT SENDING ME CODED MESSAGES WITH YOUR TIES!"  
  i wonder how some foods seem to travel through 30 feet of intestine faster than i can run to the bathroom  
  11:25 pm "Do you want to come in?" (My Thoughts: No intentions whatsoever, simply an innocent question - did he want to come in, grab a drink for the road, etc?) "Sure, but just for a minute." (His Thoughts: The extended kiss goodnight, a drink for the road, attempts at making out with her on her kitchen table.)  Kiss, quiet, kiss, clears off kitchen table...  11:40 pm "We could go somewhere a little more private." (My Thoughts: This is really weird, but if I'm going to deal with this, I don't want to do it in my kitchen.) "Yeah, but just for a minute." (His Thoughts:  I don't have any idea what I'm doing, but, I'm sure I'll knock her off the table and she'll get hurt, plus, her friend is living upstairs...)  12:00 am "We could go into my room, if you'll give me a minute." (My Thoughts: Privacy would be good, and again, this couch is uncomfortable.) "Sure...but I should go eventually - what am I going to tell my mother?" (His Thoughts: Oh wow...I really have no idea what I'm doing.)  12:25 am "I don't want you to go, but I know if you don't, one of us will do something we'll regret in the morning." (My Thoughts: What in the world is going on here?) "Yeah...or something." (His Thoughts:  Yeah, I might regret it, but I kinda want to anyway.)  1:10 am "Are you ok?" (His Thoughts: Oh shit, what did I do wrong? Is she alright? Is she going to charge me with assault?) "I'll be fine, I always am." (My Thoughts: Why does this happen?  Why my best friend? Do I look ok - I'm lying crumpled in a ball on my bed and I refuse to look at you.) "Did I take advantage of you?" (His Thoughts: Shit, is she going to charge me with assault?) "Yes, but, that's ok." (My Thoughts:  Nothing to be done about it now.) "What can I do?" (His Thoughts:  Oh shit, now I'm an asshole.) "Nothing...just go home to your mother - you're two hours late for curfew." (My Thoughts:  Just go - leave me to my indignity, stop acting like this is some big psychological case on your part and go home - it's 1 something am!)  1:25 am "I love you, Gnight." (His Thoughts: I hope she's ok...but at least I got some play out of the whole process.) "Sweetie, I love you, but get the hell out of my house." (My Thoughts:  Just go home...please.)  The slamming door.  What a weird fucking night that was.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the scenario:  5:00 am.  i wake up and run to the bathroom for the third time in two hours.  *please let me make it*  shit! (literally) someone's in that bathroom. run upstairs, make it just in time. finish my business.   reach for the toilet paper...god damn it!!! while still sitting i crane my neck around and search through the bathroom cupboard in hopes of paper towels, kleenex, a relativly clean sock...anything. Yes!! baby wipes! they probably won't clog the toilet right? wow, these work really well...don't really smell like baby wipes though...fuck, they're burning me! what the hell?  the moral:  if you decide to store lysol cleaning wipes with bleach in a baby wipes container, label the box, ok?  
  some punks with knifes wanted my wallet. all they got was my expired driver's license some shity cupons and a picture of my ex-wife.  they took my lighter to.    
  "Come and knock on our door (come and knock on our door) Ignore the corpse on the floor (ignore the corpse on the floor)  That stench aint hers,  ain't hers,  it's his! Cause a corpse is company too.   (Doot doot doot doot doot.)"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I usually hate stupid lowbrow moments people post that you know are just rip-offs.  Having said that, and having read some of the posts here about people's relationships with their parents, I was reminded of the poem  This be the verse  by Philip Larkin.   They fuck you up, your mum and dad.    They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had    And add some extra, just for you.  But they were fucked up in their turn    By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern    And half at one another's throats.  Man hands on misery to man.    It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can,    And don't have any kids yourself.   Me?  I love my parents.  I have a horrible, slowly worsening pain in my stomach knowing they shall die soon.  I'll cry.  How lowbrow is that?  Mr Mephisto   
  If you can lie on the floor without holding on, you're sober.  
  The best moment of my life was when I used the vending machine on the fourth floor of the university building where I get most of my lectures.  I put in the required 40p in order to purchase a white chocolate crunch.  Two of said confectionary treats fell out of the dispenser.  me 1. the system 0.  It was almost as good as when I got 4 crispy strips instead of 3 at the local KFC.  My god. My life blows goats. And not in a good way...  
  I was at a party and got drunk.  I heard my ride was telling some girls I had flirted with that I was gay.  He had a convertible, so I proceded to pee on his car.  Later, me, him, and his other friend got in the car so we could go home.  They sat in the front seats, and I hopped into the back seat.  My ass started feeling wet and I noticed that I was sitting in a puddle of urine.  The moral of the story: Look before you leak.  
  Walking down a small side street going back to my car from work, I notice, as I pass a catering place, a bunch of breakfast sausages strewn on the ground. The first thought that popped into my head wasn't "Digusting. What a waste of food."   It was, "I wonder if these would still be good if they were reheated." Then added, "If I was a street person that is."  
  Strawberry milk = gay?!  Bullshit!  General Norman Shcwartzkopf drank nearly half a gallon of the stuff every day during the Gulf War.  They put the stuff in powdered form in Navy SEALs' MRE's.  Big violent men in Russian prisons kill each other for it...  ...ok...not really, but I like it and I'm not gay...  
  My gym instructor is a buff little dude, it takes about 3 guys to knock him down, yet he still managed to get a hernia having sex. as he told me this I just had to imagine how rough of sex it would take to get a hernia.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were up at a nature reserve. we had lit this cool fire and everything. some one threw some shit into the fire, and we all ran away to avoid getting blown up.  "man, i lost the cone"  so we search around for the cone, and for something to make a cone out of. since it was some one's birthday we bought some party whistle thingies. u no the ones that you and then the paper tube extends out.  so we used a plastic fucking cone out of a paper whistle thing  i pull pull pull pull... then pass out.  i think it had something to do with all the plastic fumes i inhailed?  
  so yesterday i inform my boyfriend that my mom found  a pair of his boxers laying around my house somewhere and without a word, took it upon herself to wash, fold and return them to my bedroom.  of course he freaks  i remind him that my mom knows we are having sex and that there is no need to worry.  later that night after we get out of the hot tub i get an idea.  i go to my room, slip on his favorite thong of mine under his pair of boxers.  if he wants them back, he'll have to undress me first  let me tell you how all he said when i got downstairs was......."those aren't my boxers."  FUCK!  
  when my mom asks if i had a girlfriend, i said that i don't stand a chance with anything that has a vagina AND a brain  
  Advice from Ward Briggs: Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play poker with a guy named Doc. And never, never sleep with someone with more issues than you. ~puck~  
  Out of the blue, the ex calls me up. How he got my number I don't know, and for a minute I'm flattered that he must have expended some energy to find it out.  Then he says he's making italian chicken like I used to for his girlfriend, and how long should he cook the chicken? I told him just until it was white on the outside, but still pink inside. What's a date without food poisoning, eh, Donny?  
     he was already irate when i arrived he continued to poke and prod and wheedle the poor woman behind the register she had no idea what the hell he was asking his request was a bit bizarre finally the viens in his head were about to blow and the calm woman attempted to extract the pertinent information without the derision ottowa said the ass as he peppered the info with degradation what state is that said she i could hear his neurons crackling she looked at me and winked she had baited the bastard all the way into the boat     
  I hadn't masturbated in over 5 weeks. It was driving me crazy and every day all I could think about were the low cut shirts that showed off just enough skin to keep me hard constantly. But I kept holding off despite all the temptation surrounding me. When I finally came I wanted it to be a really good one.   Then I woke up one morning and found out I had came in my sleep and missed it completely. What a mess.  
  I came home one night with my girlfriend and we found one of my roommates passed out on the couch.  He had his pants around his ankles, his dick in his hand, and he had been watching porno.  We had a good laugh, went to my room and I left him for my other two roommates to find.  I never did like that SOB.  
  I work late in the office sometimes, after everyone else has left. On occasion I've been known to release the demons whilst viewing internet porn sitting at my desk. I realized the other day that there is a camera on the ceiling next to the light fixture to my right. Funny how I never noticed it before. Guess this ruins my chances at ever getting elected to public office. This and the years of drug use, fights, and arrests, of course.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have cable modem. I can't think of anyone I want to keep in touch with via email. I don't care if my phone line is tied up because I don't want to talk to anyone. I've stopped reading the news online, both real and weird, because invariably there's some story that pisses me off to no end or use. Most websites I've found are complete useless crap. I don't play fucking Everquest.  It's boiled down to the only reason I keep the cable is so lowbrow will load faster.  This is not really explainable to my accountant when he asks why I pay extra on my cable bill.  Fuck him.  
  I used to live with a chick I worked with, and many a friday night would see us all down at the local 'irish' pub for a few drinks.    The trouble with these after work things, as we all know, is that you start drinking at 5, and are generally shitfaced by eight.  Pints of brown ale were my choice of intoxicant.    Said housemate 'Michelle*' declares that she 'needs a root', and we both decide in our drunken state that we'll both go on the prowl that night, and aim to get laid.  They all head out on the dance floor, I find myself a stool, plant my arse, and watch - dancing aint my forte.  Then the 6foot tall, steriod head, thick neck, muscle bound bouncer decides he needs to stand on my stool to keep an eye on the crowd.  He tells me to move, so I oblige.  Stood next to him for a while, then sat down against the wall on the floor. Muscles orders me to stand up.  I oblige.  5 minutes later I get sick of standing up, so squat against the wall.  He grabs me, and pulls me up.  I tell him not to touch me.  I'm pissed off now, and told him again, to take his hands off me.  At the time I was 21, I'm about 170cm tall, and weigh about 65kgs.  I'm not that big, and I'm in no way a threat to this bouncer.  So he calls in backup, there are now two 6foot, thickneck muscle head bouncers holding onto me, dragging me out the back way, down a flight of stairs and push me out into the back alley.  I went back round the front, demanded to be let back in to get my house keys and wallet, was refused because I was 'violent and abusive'.  Even more pissed off by that stage, refused to leave, so they threatened to call the police.  Eventually Michelle* brought my stuff down to me, and went back inside because she was chatting up some guy.  Thanks, leave me in the street.  Walked down the local 24 hour pub, and had a few more drinks waiting for my 'friends', we eventually meet up again, and head to another pub.  Start playing pool, I start chatting to one guy, she meets another.  I head home with my catch, and we do the wild thing.  Michelle got home a couple of hours later, did the same.  Next morning I wake up, alone.  Cool, I don't have to deal with getting rid of my one night stand, he's gone already.  Michelle comes into my room, cacking herself laughing.  She was woken up by a guy hoping for a little morning action.  Conversation as follows:  Michelle - 'Who are you?'  Stray- 'I came home with you last night' *sly grin*  M- 'No, you didn't.'  S- 'Oh, do you regret it?' *Crestfallen*   M- No, I didn't DO it, I came home with Chris, he left an hour ago, you must be after my friend, hers is the next room'  Whoops.....    *names changed to protect the highbrow.   
  "Lassie.  Hey, Lassie!"  the drunk kept hollering as only drunks can.  "I hate it when they call him Lassie" the boy leaned over to tell me. So does the dog.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Im a custodian. At the place I work, I am disregarded and ignored. I think I might steal a vacuum and pawn it.   
  After a party, someone asked me "whose space" it was in, but I thought they were saying "Who's spaced", so I replied, "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty hungover".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I always love it when the side-effects of an anti-constipation medicine includes "severe diarhea". That just makes me smile.  
  The statement below is true.  The statement above is false.   ever feel like you could convince yourself of anything, as long as you thought about it with enough logic, and enough mental instability to actually have an argument with yourself?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I discovered that I can pick up peanuts with my penis, but I rarely tell anyone because it's very difficult to say.  
  When at school, my friends and I decided it would be a good idea to shit in ziplock bags, bring them the school the next day and dump them in the sink....   The next day it was done. The multi-textured-stenched-colored pile touched the faucet. To top it off we put a little umbrella that goes in drinks into it. What would you think if you walked in and saw that bad boy?  
  I have one of those friends who seems to exist solely to suffer. He revels in his pain, celebrates his woes, and details at great length the horrors the world has thrust upon him. If I send him a little email note, something to the effect of "hi, how's it going? I got a new goldfish.", his reply would be a "that's nice" followed by a three page rant of personal disaster. I've begun emailing him daily, just to see if he ever repeats himself. So far he hasn't.  I will never ever go to his house, it must be like Dante's ninth circle by now.   
  My first year at F.I.T. I bought a pair of barely worn eight-hole Docs from the dust-head Fine Arts major who lived down the hall. For 10 dollars.  (They were the square-toe Docs. You can't find those anywhere anymore.)  She needed the money for drugs. A month later she miscarried, not even realizing she was pregnant to begin with, and dropped out of school.  Over seven years later, I still have those boots. They have served me well.    
  I will not hesitate to fart in a crowded car with the windows up.  Because I enjoy seeing how quickly the windows can be rolled down, and gasping heads hung out of them.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "my best friend had turned 18 and she felt it was high time that she went into a porn store.  it was interesting seeing  all of those little things that could be shoved into almost any orifice on the human body.  seeing these gadgets made me glad that i had a boyfriend who wasn't into phreeqy stuff like the stuff my friend and i saw that day.   The trip itself wasn't lowbrow, it was the longing stares of the dirty, balding, greasy, overweight men who could barely keep their eyes off of the two newly legal highschool girls who willingly walked into a porn store.  ick."  
  "Yeah, so Julie and Ben went out like...all summer." "Oh, really?  I didn't know that." "They broke up.  He calls her the 'hairy ape' now." "Why?"  ....  "He said he was picking hair out of his braces for two weeks."  
  3/4/03  If you've ever played "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night" for the Playstation, you know it's one of the best games in the world.  For a while I was completely and utterly addicted to it.  So anyway, there's this one part in the game where you can buy stuff.  Every time you buy something, your character says "I'm interested in this," in this really cheesy voiceover.    I was making my character buy a lot of supplies before trying to fight a nasty bad guy, and he kept saying "I'm interested in this," over and over.  My girlfriend comes over, sidles up to my chair, and grabs my crotch.  "I'm interested in this," she purrs.  ...I'm sure you guys know where this is going...  "Can't we fuck later?" I whine.  "I have to kill this guy first."  She sighs and storms off.  When will I learn?  Fucking video games.  They'll kill your sex drive just as thoroughly as heroin.      
  So one year we made Ukranian style Easter eggs.    With this technique you don't cook or drain the eggs first, but just color them and store them until the insides have evaporated and you're left with a whole, mostly empty shell.  Thing is, we forgot about the part where you have to rotate the eggs every week or so.  We checked on them a month or so later...  All the shells were broken, and the carton was filled with putrid goo, with maggots writhing around in it.  The spirit of Easter?  Seems about right.  
  trying to teach the people who you deem are too touchy feelie a lesson by treating them like shit is just an intellectualization of sadistic and antisocial tendencies bastards ah an angle for every set of eyes         
  www.nvbrothels.com a website with not only pictures of girls from several vegas area whore houses, but also customers reviews.  doesnt get much more lowbrow then that..  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was Hammered last night and thought of a moment. And god was it Funny, so i wrote it down. I looked at the napkain this morning.. "What the Fuck Does 'Full Cock Faced Power' mean?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i got really drunk the night before i took my SATs and still managed to pull an 1160 with a hangover. im soo proud.  
  I always wondered which hurts more: The loss of a dear loved one or getting kicked in the testicles REALLY hard.        
  the real low part is that  there may be only three or four posters and a  whole lot of creative energy being spent on coming up with new email names think about the wiz of oz and give it that big booming voice of the monsterous flaming head pay no attention to the man behind the lowbrow elipses  
  i was home for thanksgiving break and visiting my boyfriend. after two or three days of "boy have i missed you" sex, we were getting kinda tired. after one quite vigorouse venture, he got up and, with his last bit of energy, threw the condom away. the next day we came into his room and there was a condom (used) sitting on his dresser. we were grossed out and a little pissed. thinking that one of our friends, a girl who was temporarily using his room as a closet, had used his room for something more than storing clothes. however, upon counting our condom supply, we realized nothing was missing and figured he had just forgotten to throw it away. turns out however, he had thrown in away, just not into the garbage. when the girl came in to get some clothes, she reached into her pile of shirts and put her hand straight into the sticky mess. she was so freaked out that she had to go get another room mate to come move it so she could put her soiled clothes in the wash. for days after, we were greeted with condoms filled with mayonaise and other immitation jizm.  
  One time I called up a radio station and asked for them to play the Jeopardy theme song, and the radio guy said sure hold on...  A minute or two later I heard my call on the radio but they had dubbed the guy's voice and he was making fun of me instead.  So we went out drinking and I wound up masturbating in my bedroom three or four times that night.  
   Hudson River Tales Gets Unionized (or not)  When I started with them, my great boss, Ted Chambers, immediately requisitioned me for himself, helping him with welding and fixing the gear that always got broken. We made a wonderful team. He'd ask me to make something for him, and I'd head down to the machine shop and deliver it with no questions. He was very happy he'd hired me. I loved working for him. Two weeks into the job, I'm working on the back deck of a boat, and he's up front. I love my job so much I start to sing an old British folk song:  "So join the Union while you may, And don't wait 'till your dying day, 'Cos that may not be far away, You dirty blackleg miner." I look up. Ted is looming over me, looking troubled: "Are you into labour unions?" Me: "??" He: "This company (Texas Instruments) is so against labour unions that we have a SWAT team down in Texas on 24-hour alert. They can fly anywhere in the country in five hours. I can get them here in three." Sheesh, intense! I really love this job. What to say? Me: "The power of unions in Britain was such that, when I was growing up, I never got to hear more than two hours of recorded music on the radio per day. the rest of the time it was all moronic live cover musicians. "The last Union job I had was digging trenches. I loved the work, but whenever the boss was out of sight, if I didn't stop digging and just lean on my shovel, they would call me a blackleg and spit on me." He nodded his head and turned away, satisfied. Good. There were some  amazing  babes working there...   
  Lost my virginity at 14  He was 24.    Y'know, I didn't realize how lowbrow that was until _I_ hit 24, and I tried to look at some 14 year olds sexually - there's no way, they are just babies...  I was just a baby.  And we were on my parents white couch - I didn't know I'd bleed so much   I spent the next 2 hrs trying to get bloodstains out of white Haitian Cotton.  Then, I was pissed because it hurt & didn't live up to all I'd heard about S_E_X.   Now I'm pissed that he didn't even TRY to get me off.  No wonder he couldn't get a woman even close to his own age.   
  I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I had forgottent to use my over the counter medicine for a yeast infection (always better to take at night as not to leak....it is inserted, vaginally, as a cream) went about using the medication and woke to my husband asking me "Where is my nasile cream (for a mild snoring/alergy problem)   Yep, you guessed it, I had inserted the nasile cream by mistake....about 50 bucks worth!!!!!    The only good was that my GYN had a wonderful start to her day when I told her probably the funniest thing she ever had heard in her life!  PS.....yeast infection is GONE and everything is ...well, lets just say....smooth!!!!  
  someone please clear this up for me: when discussing exactly what a "choad" is, i got many interpretations from different guys. i hear its either the total package, just the sack, or perhaps another word for that area between scrotum and anus known as the "taint". im just curious people, i wouldnt want to misuse the word and make myself look bad.  
  You know you're flunking out of college when: You spend your time fashioning an ashtray out of an old Nestea bottle instead of doing the lab report thats due in an hour. And then you come here to write about it.   
  When I was five I used to pick my nose. When visiting at a friends house I'd secretly wipe it on the underside of their kitchen table.  I thought it was funny that they would get in trouble for doing it.  28 years later and I still do.  
  You know you love beer too much when:  You go to order a pitcher and the bartender says they are out of pitchers.  Right then someone returns one.  The bartender gives you a look that says "Do you really want this dirty used pitcher?"  You give him the nod.  
  In sixth grade my nose had a growth spurt...I had a large nose, large nostrils, and particularly large sinuses for a boy my age.    One week during the winter I caught a head-cold.  Once during this week I was doing something that involved me standing up where the class could see me...don't remember what.  Any ways, someone said or did something that I found humourous, and in the course of laughing--I expelled a rope of snot from my pubescent proboscus that reached--I am not kidding--down to my shoes.  This caused me immediate embarassment, not to mention that it left me wondering what to do about it.  Without tissue in hand my only recourse was to snort the snot-rope back up into my face.  And the children laughed and laughed and laughed.        
  Looking down from the Balcony we seeing Skee passed out between the y in the tree; with the last empty vodka bottle. That's when us 4 girls decked out in plastic and leather decieded to hit the clubs.        
    I borrowed my mom's food stamp card and went grocery shopping stoned. I came back with 10 pizzas, 10 boxes of au gratin potatos, vegetarian corn dogs, snow crab, and a head of lettuce.  
  I was in a public bathroom wearin a plain white tee-shirt when i noticed a loose string. only the string was black. I pulled on it a little but it seemed to be holding on so i pulled as hard as i could. thats when i realized it was a nipple hair Ouch:(  
    I am always amazed by my cats.  They can kill and eat a rodent and leave just the pile of guts on the floor, I can't figure out how they do that.  They don't even have thumbs, much less a knife and fork.  
  When I'm sitting at work going through Lowbrow I like to lean back and put my hands behind my head.  Then it comes time to move and click on the reload button.  If I could mentally click on reload and abstain from moving I would be the happiest man on earth.  
  Today's my first day off since last winter. Not one of us had any idea what a pain in the ass this would be. The pay sucks and they keep us hoppin' day and night...   You think I'm kidding? You've all heard The Twelve Days of Christmas, right? Yeah, I'm one of the lords a-leaping. And right now I'm gonna leap on over to the men's room, and read the wanted ads on the toilet.  Whew, gimme a cigarette... thanks.  >snick!   Gad my feet are killin' me...                   
  From the nylottery.org (the official site for the New York State Lottery) FAQ -- remember, gang, that's "Frequently Asked Questions":   Q: Can you give me the winning numbers for the next drawing?   A: No. Each drawing is a completely random occurrence.    Q: When are you going to pull my number?   A: Each drawing is unique and is a totally random selection process.   It's kind of clever, in a retarded sort of way.  If they won't give me future numbers,  our hypothetical moron thinks,  then I'll find out when  my  numbers are coming up!   A wise man once defined "lottery" as "a tax on people who are bad at math." And he was right.  Hey, I got a Free Play on Take Five!   
  A few years ago, going through a bad patch emotionally, I went to the UI theater complex in Urbana to see something or other.  Afterwards, coming down the rather elegant staircase, I saw this mean looking son of a bitch, really trouble, heading toward me.  It took me a second or two to realize that I was looking into a mirrored wall and that psycho was me.  
  In my mind.  Everyone at the age of 18 should be issued a single shot firearm with a unique caliber and a single bullet. The bullet would be equipped with a small microchip used to identify the gunman.  The only way to get the bullet would be to turn 18.  Now, you can use this bullet on ANYONE without fear of legal repercussions.  Only high ranking officials are excluded from anybody, since we all know that politicians are nobody.    Next time your out, and someone acts like an assrag, think "would they do that if this plan was in place?  would they talk shit about something they know nothing about to me if they had that lingering doubt that i might still have my one magic shot?"  of course, i would be the only one equipped with a chaingun and an unlimited supply of the previously mentioned bullets.  
  So I am dropping some kids off at the pool at my office, and in walks someone.  Not unusuall, but I sudenly hear somethign really weird.  It sounded very familiar.  The sound of smaking pud a few stalls down.  I was in the handicapped stall and it faces the other ones.  I could actually see the shadow.  So what do I do?  I fake a fart really loud to make my presence known.  I can only imagine the embarrasement he must have felt.    Too bad I didn't get to see who it was.  I hope he washed his hands.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           My first time at BINGO. My mother(55) and I (19) decide to drop in and play a game and leave so we wouldnt be tempted to blow our money.     ME: If one of us wins...lets split it in half.  MOM: Umm...why doesn't the loser just get $100?  half seems like an awful lot of money for the loser to get. I don't think that's fair for the winner.  ME: ok, sure... sounds fair... I could use the hundred bucks for school. We won't win anyway  MOM: Good i'm glad we agree... let's play!!   those BINGO games move fast let me tell ya! First game of my life and I won 600 bucks!!! All the senior citizens who had been sitting there all day long shot me the ugliest looks ever. I know six hundred isn't much but I cheered and was so happy because my financial aid hadn't come through yet. On the way out my mother looks at me and says,  MOM: So we're splitting it right?        My mom is the best friend I've ever had!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         By the end of the summer, the hot-tub was probably filled with vodka, tequila, and come, in no particular order.  
  he said "yeah, i don't sleep. i just stay up all night long masterbating." trying to bait me into being uncomfortable or grossed out. "so," i replied, completely unfazed, "do you have rubber sheets? or do you just blow your load into your blanket?" he and the other guy standing there burst out into shocked laughter for the next 2 minutes. all thanks to lowbrow did i learn that "blow your load" was a proper term.   
   Honey...Would you leave me for a girl like that?  No dear........I would kill you for a girl like that.       
   I own one of those vibrators that you can buy at your local drug store. You know, the kind of vibrators that are for "back massages" and such with the cool names like 'The Personal Massager 3000'. Maybe some people own these kind of vibrators for actually back massages, but I am not one of them. Anyone who knows me would know right off why I know one of these things. I mean I am only the biggest pervert ever, and I talk about masterbation all the time. But apparently not all of my friends know me as well as I thought. So, two of my really good guy friends stop by my house the other day. We are all just hanging out in my room and chillin on my bed when suddenly one of my friends finds my vibrator under my bed. It was still plugged into the wall, but it was shoved under the bed. He decides to turn in on and give himself a back massage. My other friend looks at me, and we give each other that knowing look and burst out laughing. I did not know how to diffuse the situation. You can not exactly say, "uh hey thats my naughty vibrator. you might not want to use that."   
  Words to live by, by my dad   1.  "You arent a man until you wreck bowel."  2.  After my mom found some leopard print panties in my room when I was a senior in hishschool "I'll never forget the first time my mom found some skanks panties in my room."  3.  Just got stoned with him, and he says "I work with a sick fuck, he watches porn with his son.  Now that is just fucking wrong." passes me the bowl.  4.  Right after he got me a red ryder bb gun  "Never shoot anyone in the face; aim low, and if you get caught, Im gonna fly off the handle.  Until they leave."  5.  We got really stoned and were shooting .22 shorts in our basement into a block of wood, and he says "I wonder what normal people are doing right now."  6.  When my friend Tom said rap blows, and my dad counters with "Most rap is crap, but Flava Flav is tight yo."  7.  The time my dad actually drove past a mental patient home, and made me heckle some insane person out front, we made 5 passes, with me screaming throwing up the sign of the beast \m/, we laughed really hard, and he says "dont tell your mom about this."  Thats all I can think of off the top of my head.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my dog is a pantie dog... some dogs sniff out drugs... my dog sniffs out panties, knocking over the laundry to get at them.  He'll find em and chew on the crotch... walked in on his one time panties over his head mowin' away... I swear he must be the product of some frat house experiment gone wrong... pantie sniffer...  
  I talk to myself alot, too much probably.  The last couple days driving home from work I've been having this conversation with an imaginary dude.  I was convincing this dude that his super cool SUV was merely a ploy by the automobile industry to get dudes to buy minivans.  "you see" I say to myself.. "there is really no thing as an SUV, it is a term that has been invented recently.  There are only trucks, cars and vans.  Your vehicle is not a truck because it does not have a bed to store stuff in, and it is not a car because it is way too big.  Therefore you are driving a van.  It is not a full size van though, because it can't sit eight or nine, so you are driving a mini-van."  "Na-uh" is the best the dude can muster.   
  I went to my company's Holiday Party this year dressed as a prom queen, since I never had the chance in high school. (Yes, I'm a girl.) My gay male best friend went as the prom king. We had the whole thing going on: I had the tiara and the corsage, he had the crown and the boutonairre, and we both had satin sashes proclaiming ourselves the queen and king.   A lot of people thought they were pretty clever when they sidled up to us and asked if he shouldn't be the queen instead. Witty assholes think they're always the first.   In any case, we were only given two drink tickets with our tickets to the party; you had to pay for the rest yourself. As I was standing at the bar ordering my third drink, I realized that the bartender had been the roommate of the guy who was my best friend in college.  This translates to free drinks.   We stuck around for a couple of hours afterwards, continuously drinking, and then decided that it was time to leave. I didn't feel that drunk at the time, and I didn't think about my slow metabolism until we were already on the road. I got drunker and drunker as I drove. I was weaving off the road and struggling to keep my eyes focused. Halfway there, I had to close one eye, because it was a lot easier to focus with just one of them.   We decided to top off the evening at Steak 'N Shake, so we head there instead of to my place, our original destination. Steak N Shake is about 15 minutes farther from the road on which I was driving than my crib is, and I really had to pee. I told my friend how badly I had to go and announced that I was pulling over at the next gas station so I could use the loo. He somehow convinced me to hold it until we got to the restaurant, so I did.   By the time we pulled into the parking lot, I was completely shitfaced and holding my knees together. At this point, the need to urinate was dire. I waddled in, keeping my knees together, and made it into the ladies' room. I started to pull down my pantyhose and underwear...  and peed on myself. In the bathroom, two feet from the toilet, dressed as a prom queen. I cleaned myself up as well as I could, but I recall getting strange looks from the waitress, and I had a pretty noticeable wet spot on the back of my dress. We stuck around until we'd finished eating.   I Febreezed the dress as soon as I got home, but I still haven't sent it to the cleaner.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend Amy and I are obsessed with Harry Potter. We got drunk one night, and I confessed that I used to write erotic fiction. She dared me to write one about Harry Potter. I did, too. It was hilarious. Harry and Snape and Ron and Draco all getting in on it. Then she saved the AIM, and her friend found it.  I have never lived it down. My boyfriend still makes jokes about "Snape-fic". ~puck~  
  Jeeves just told me how to grow marijuana.  
  someone recently left their uniform shirt in the men's restroom at my work...  it had been a rather hot day, and i could smell the sweat as i entered the room; something about it attracted me...  i entered the stall that contained the smell, buried my face in the soiled garment, and jerked off into the toilet...  
  I just read the brow from the waitress in Maine and it reminded me of when I worked in a nasty little restaurant in a tourist town on the Maine coast.  The health inspector wrote us up for numerous violations so the head cook wrote "dog shit" across the front of the report.  One of the waitresses actually thought the inspector had found dog shit in the kitchen.  It wouldn't have surprised me if he had.   
  I was, I guess, about 13. I was getting a cavity filled -- I had shitloads of cavities. And the dentist -- Dr. Kessman, I think his name was -- is sticking the novocaine* needle into me, and he's trying to make me less nervous by singing the following song:  "Here comes Peter Cottontail,  Hoppin' down the bunny trail,  Hippity, Hoppity,  Right into a wall."  And I start laughing. With my mouth open. While he's got the needle stuck in my mouth flesh and is injecting novocaine.  He called a nurse to come look, which only made me laugh the more. He really knew what made 13-year-olds laugh: harmless embarassment and cheap slapstick involving animals.   *Fun fact about 'novocaine' -- your dentist doesn't actually use novocaine anymore; products such as procaine and lanacaine work much better, and are standard in dentistry today. But everyone's familiar with "getting a shot of novocaine," so dentists don't bother to correct you when you use the word. It's more or less generic at this point, even if people don't realize it!  
  as soon as scientists develop a pill that will simulate an orgasm we'll see the end of all drug use and malcontent people in the world.  personally id get an IV of the stuff and just have this constant glow of cumming all day long.  ah thats the life.  oh brave new world.  \|b|/  
  entering the world of lowrow dot com is like opening a can of pringles.  except with pringles, you run out eventually.  
  Sat down the pub (yes pub, not bar), with a few friends, one brings his girlfriend, who seems to have her mother tag along with her. It started to get freaky when said mother offered my friend a blowjob. Then me a blowjob. Then the barman a blowjob. Right in the afternoon in a nice quiet family pub. I mean it might've been considered were it not the fact that she was around 55 and had more saggy skin that your average bulldog around the jowls. We really needed Dave here. Dave would've accepted a blowjob off a blind bearded leper (no offence here to blind bearded female lepers), Dave would've accepted a blowjob off anything (animal/mineral/vegtable).  Where's the slut of the gang when yah need 'em huh?  Man if he accepted that blow off that lady I'd have bought everyone a drink...  The bad thing is that's been my only sexual offering in the past year.  
  I think my underwear is on fire again.        
  hint be wise if you decide to throw a bash and make two vats of punch  one named agent orange that consists of onefiftyone everclear and powdered hi c mix with no water and the other named purplejesustwopointoh that consists of cheapredwine fruit and liquid acid then you hafta be prepared to have snoring fieldhockey players near naked dweebs in soiled underwear broken furniture and vomit decorating your apartment the next morning a wise person learns from others mistakes  
  Sure, I drink sometimes. Beer, a couple of times per week, especially after a horrendous day at work or other idiocy.  My body knows beer. Beer is a good friend. Beer doesn't cause:  1) my hair to fall out 2) sexual dysfunction 3) irritability 4) Nausea (unless I drink too much, which I usually don t) 5) headaches 6) insomnia 7) diarrhea 8) constipation 9) nervousness 10) depression 11) anxiety 12) etc.  All of the above are side affects of the most popular and "in" anti depressants such as Paxil, Prozac, Welbutrin, Effexor, etc. recommended by doctors who watch for  chemical imbalances    another  in  thing.  I'll stick to beer any day of the week when I feel a bout of depression or experience a hard day at work. Beer has been around way longer than any of the  in  meds.   
  Long ago (I was about 12, big bro was 15 or so) we were watching a movie (The Odd Couple, I believe: Matthau and Lemmon before Stupid-Ass Grumpy Old Men).  I fart (loudly), the smell hits (awful), a character then in the movie stops mid sentance, says "what's that smell?"   The timing could not have been more perfect.  We laughed til we peed.  
  I want to marry a girl whose areolas are larger than her breasts. So much in fact, that they overlap and create a Venn-Diagram.  
  So my girlfriend and i had been fighting for weeks and a break up was unavoidable. It happened to be sept. 14, our 2 year anniversary. We went to lunch at the Olive Garden and we broke up right there. That meal cost me $40 plus the $10 tip because the waiter was very good. i cannot stop questioning my foresight. If i had thought about it we would have gone to Burger King.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my RA just walked by my room on his way to do laundry. out of nowhere he stops, picks his asshole, then casually sniffs his fingers, adjusts his glasses and resumes walking to the laundry room  
  I asked the security guard at the airport what they did of someone set off the alarm on the metal detector with a cock ring. I asked really loudly.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was mugged on my 21st birthday by some crackhead. He jammed the gun in my back and said, "Gimme all yo shit, or Im'll blow yo fuckin' head off!"  It's a good thing I didn't smart off and say my head was about two feet up from where he'd placed the gun.  Or, a foot below and about fourteen inches from my balls, depending on which head he was talking about.  I feel kinda sorry for Mr. Crackhead. If I could, I would pay for him to take a biology course.  Ah, fuck it. I'll just have him drawn  and quartered.     
  lowbrow lowbrow bo bobrow banana fana fo fobrow me my mo mobrow LOWBROW! . . . . you were down and i missed you :)  
  Three in the morning in Ensenada Mexico. Everyone is asleep except for me and one of the Danish guys that joined our road trip in Mexico. We go outside for a smoke and to light a few of the fireworks we bought earlier.   There is some commotion around a mexi-dog stand on the corner. Never too late for a fine Mexican hotdog, the meat of questionable origin, wrapped with what appeared to be bacon, topped with a thick layer of mayonaise and relish. People warn you about drinking the water in Mexico, but never about the mexi-dogs.  There is some sort of band, mariachi maybe, playing along a wall a few feet from the hotdog stand. After each song they would smoke, laugh, and comment about the women hanging out down the street on the corner. Live music and food at 3:30 in the morning is not something Im accustomed to.  Danish guy is motivated, and goes down the street to check prices. I chill by the band soaking up the atmosphere, or at least feeling the effect of all the previously consumed alcohol circulate through my bloodstream.  My friend comes back two or three times from the corner, each visit with a new lower price. He is haggling, something I should have learned before I paid 40$ for a blanket earlier in the day.   I have zero interest in his adventure, although the mariachi band was quite amused. Laughing and joking with me in Spanish.  "No tengo pantalones" is my only reply. My Spanish is improving by the minute.  Finally Danish guy comes back, forty dollars is the lowest she will go for both of us, but we have to have our own hotel room. I still have no interest, but European and American social mores aside, I compliment his haggling prowess.  While he walks down the street, one of the older, grisled band members comes over to me. With a large smile, and very quick enthusiastic Spanish, he starts motioning wildly in front of me. He is trying to teach me Spanish maybe. I listen intently but nothing registers. Seeing the blank look on my face he became frustrated.  The trumpet player then walked up to me and said one word...  "Balls"  I then realized that 40$ for a blanket was a better deal than my Danish friend had negotiated.  
  I was using my boyfriend's computer earlier when I noticed an away message that he has saved from who knows how long ago... it says sex is overrated.  I hope that is from before he met me.  Though, come to think of it, he tells me that all the time.   Time for a new boyfriend.   
  I think it's pretty great of lowbrow to refrain from sending the "moment o the day" 's to its subscribers til obviously later on than after 12am.  I'm guessing they're shipped out at about 6 or 7 in the am.  This act of perseverence is for the lowbrowers who stay up all night long and check their email relentlessly because they can't sleep and are extremely bored. So I'm sure the kids at lowbrow said, "The lowbrowers ruin it for themselves if they look at their moment o the day at 3 am. Then there is no pleasure of the moment o the day DURING the day. Let's wait til the most busy time of the morning to send them. We're infact doing the lowbrowers a favor." It's kinda like looking at your Christmas presents before Christmas. Atleast that's how I look at it anyways.   
  I saw the ultimate mullet today. Jerry curls on the top, long ass rat tail looking curls going down the back. I felt for a moment that i could get hit by a car, and my life would be complete. Then i realized there is more to life than an ultimate mullet.  
  From another moment of mine:   Not all shrinks are useless.  The best one I ever had was a marriage counsellor in Boston.  He also had my girlfriend and I "model" our relationship by standing up and arranging ourselves in a way that would most exactly convey the dynamics of our relationship. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her towards me, trying to gaze pure love deep into her eyes. She put an arm around me, too, and wrapped her legs tight around one of mine, but leaned backwards as far as she could, pushing me away with her other hand at my throat, and her head averted from my gaze. The shrink applauded our honesty, but the LowBrow moment here is that I was too in love to take the hint, so we were together for a whole 'nuther year before I finally gave up...  
  In a moment of inspiration I looked it up in the "Internet Archive".  Wow, lowbrow used to be ugly.  
  The decoy mallard drifted across the glassy backyard pool with increased apathy as the German-style oompah band made up of Asian college kids played 'Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions.  
  "But honey, I got it at Dress for Less."  Apparently, "no shit" was not the response she was looking for.  
  Sharing with my friends the pride that i felt at mastering, while i drove truck for the US postal Service, the fine art of crapping in a plastic shopping bag. Try it. It ain't easy.  
  The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.   
  Gay Head, in case you don't know, is ALSO a famous nude beach on Martha's Vineyard that is backed by multicoloured, soft clay cliffs.  I'm happily sunbathing there one hot day, with my innocuous little weiner grilling along with the rest of me.  Two teenage girls promenade past, giggling with nervousness because they had dared to take their tops off.  Out of nowhere, some seriously back-to-nature guy comes bounding down out of the cliffs.  He had daubed his entire body with wet yellow and red clay, and his big, hairy, painted schlong was boinking back and forward between his legs.  He probably didn't even see them -he was just on his way to the ocean, to wash it all off.  I doubt those girls have ever shown their titties in public since.  
  This one fuck buddy I was talking to on the phone was asking me all sorts of questions before he could decide if he wanted to come over, like:  Him: "Will you lick my ass?"  Me:  "No."  Him:  "Please?"  Me:  "No."  Him:  "Why not?"  Me:  "When it's just casual sex, you don't get perks."  Him:  "Please?"  Me:  "No."  Him:  "Can I lick yours?"  Me:  "Uh, yea...if that's your thing."  All during this conversation, I'm rolling my eyes thinking, they really have no clue.  Three choices for fuck meat I have this evening, and the one who gets too picky and/or begs too much misses out.  I wished I could have bluntly stated that to him.  I mean really..I would have saved him from having to use his hand tonight. But I guess it doesn't really matter after all.   I mean, I still got laid...just not by him.  
  As much of a perverse and deranged thrill I get from masturbating in the bathroom at work (usually after checking out Priceless420.com), I hate the fact that I have to do it in the guy's bathroom.  Whenever someone comes in to take a leak, I have to stop to eliminate any possible noise.  When I hear them pee, any trace of an erection goes away.  Then I have to start all over again...  
  I guess there's something wrong when I tell my boyfriend that I'm going out with "just a friend", but still change my underwear before I go.  
  lowbrow: up north, camping... duct tape drunk friend into his cot... put testicles on his forehead and photograph it... send said picture to him at a later date.  
  "It's my fucking birthday and if nobody fucks me I'll put peanut butter on my dick and get sucked by the dog." Nobody fucked him. He couldn't find any peanut butter, but there was maple syrup and it worked just as well. Duke, you're my hero.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The four of us purchased five big bags of Julios Chips and three six packs of Zima in the drive thru Beverage Barn of our small town. Our last trip for the night, its 1155, closing is midnight, and we are pathetically searching for enough change to purchase the cheapest beef jerky available for our hungry nephews. The cashier and the girl who runs around picking up whatever you order pick this moment to begin a catfight.  Who is Bubba?                                                    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you lean back and drive with your arms low - pop open your mouth a little - it's pretty easy at least for a short distance to pretend your sleeping while driving.  In suburbia, mall parking lots - traffic lights - it can really be worth it.  
  I opened a fortune cookie with a fortune that read: "Chill out, dude!"  It made me laugh, which in turn led me to spray my dinner companion with a mouthful of lukewarm Jasmine tea.  I never did eat the cookie that fortune came in.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first and last acid trip:  We put on some good tunes - King Crimson, and I fell down into the music.    Then there was just the drum.  Which was my heart.  Except every single beat was my very last heartbeat.  Teetering, screaming very edge of death.  For eight hours.  Just a warning.  
  I dream some weird dreams.  From the other night;  Steve Martin is down and out, and no one wants to hire him except for a local indoor amusement-park-chucky-cheese kinda place called "Funzone".    So I decide that since Steve Martin is their local spokesman now, I might as well head on down there for some acting tips.  He gives me what I need to know, and just like that, he hooks me up with a hosting gig on Saturday Night Live!  Man, I'm pumped.  The only problem is, I don't have any reason to be there.  I don't even know why I'm hosting.  The producer is freaking out because I'm a nobody, but after the casting girl tells him that I'm a local DJ in some small town, he's quite relieved (well of course).  So I'm in the green room before the show, and I'm watching film of previous hosts so I can get a good idea of what to do.  Harrison Ford is sitting next to me with his head between his legs, and Samuel L. Jackson is screaming at me because I'm crippled.  That's right, for some reason my jaw is wired shut and my arms are broken and mangled in front of me.  I go out to start the show, but of course it doesn't go very well, what with the fact that my jaw is wired shut and my arms are mangled.    I almost have more fun asleep than awake.     
  After I took a leak, she asked "did you wash your hands after touching your penis?"  "Yes," I replied.  She proceded to give me the best head I have ever gotten.  
  To my ex boyfriend.  Remember that time you got really drunk, so drunk in fact you thought you passed out and crapped your own pants?  It wasn't your crap.  It was the dogs.  Dogs look at you funny when you do strange things with their crap.  
  This is for all of you people who complain about shit stains, anal leakage, wet farts,  etc.  You have to wear black underwear.  Nobody can see the stains, and your bf or gf will think it's sexy.  it's that simple.  And then even you will never know, never feel the shame.    
  showed up at work with: no makeup no shower no deodorant no bra half my uniform. Why yes, i really *do* care about my job.  
  Some people make snowmen. Some people make snowwomen. I make snowpenises. BIG ONES! My neighbor called the police once. Who's a creative boy?!  
  My original version of this has not make the cut. Let's see if this one does.  Imagine french-kissing a guy who tastes of stale beer and vomit. Make him 78 years old and be sure he needs a shave.  Now do it for 20 minutes while his wife watches and wimpers whenever you stop to massage his chest.  Giving my neighbor CPR was the most discusting thing I have ever done. Mostly because it did no good.  I would do it agian in a heartbeat.  
  About the only thing you can say when your roomate walks in to you wiping your ass on his pillow is  "Suprise!"  
  Driving around stoned outta our minds in my moms car.  Paul keeps ripping huge juicy farts.  After a paticularly juicy one, he gets this horrible look on his face.  can you guess what happened?  im sure you can.  the car filled with the smell of feces and he starts yelling at me to pull over at a gas station or something.    i think this is the funniest thing in the world and keep driving around not fully believing that he was actualy so stoned he shat his pants.  Then he started asking me to check out his ass to see if shit was seeping through.  thats about the time i figured out that if there is enough crap for him to worry bout it staining his pants, then it will probably get all over my moms car seat as well.  i could just hear it now "chris do you know what these stains on my seat are?  i think one of the cats pooped in the car"  so before the situation got any worse we found a gas station or fast food place, i dont remember.  paul comes out after a while saying "dont worry its all good, it was just stank nuggets. i didnt get any on my pants or boxers"  *sigh*  just another adventure in the pacific northwest  
  Meeting Ithaca women through personal ads.  Here's part of the ad:   SWM 30's desires just one slim, intelligent, post-feminist woman for long slow romance.  No heels, no makeup, no games, no quickies...    So I meet a Cornell student for lunch. Turns out the only reason she's meeting with me is to lecture me on "sizism."  She goes on endlessly about how "sizism" messes up other womens' heads, just like it messed up hers. She is bitter that she is discriminated against because of her size...  All this from a 5'8", 110 Lb woman whose breath smelled faintly of vomit...  
  This Christmas, i have 2 brothers and one sister coming to visit. The younger brother is 16, and mom has told me 4 times now that we can't get him a tattoo. I never suggested we might do that. Everyone knows the family rule is no tattoos till your 18.  
  i posted a story about a particular drunken episode, but i forgot to include the really AMAZING part. being that the odds that you've read and remember it are slim to none, i shall tell the story again, this time in its glorious entirety.  i was at my friend's party and we were funneling those big 32oz gas station cups full of beer. I got really drunk, really fast. I passed out in the middle of the party, but 'woke up', if you want to call it that, in the middle of the party and started pissing all over the carpet in the middle of a bunch of people, stumbling left to right. eric's girlfriend was videotaping something else, so he pushed her into me to make sure she immortalized the moment. The host of the party tried pushing me in the bathroom, so i struck him in the face. he then pushed me into a wall and i fell to the ground and immediately started puking all over his floor and my clothes. i was then dragged out of the house through a group of people by one arm, with my goodies still hanging out of my pants. i woke up to remember nothing. that happens to be the 3rd time i've pissed on someone's floor as a result of drunkenness.   here's the amazing part (bear with me): the weekend after the party, i went to a show after work and met up with some friends (a guy and a girl). after the show, they came back to my place to get high. when i got home, i threw off my work clothes and put on a tshirt i got off the floor. after a while, the guy left and the girl slept over in my bed. we kinda cuddled a little bit, but kept the clothes on. she slept with her head on my shoulder the whole night. when i woke up and looked in the mirror, i discovered that the shirt i was wearing was the one i puked all over (unwashed), and the shoulder she was sleeping on was covered in dried puke. i have no idea how neither of us (especially her) realized it, but i swear this is true.  
  I looked to the passenger seat in my car.  She squated carefuly over a coffee cup and filled it up with urin stoped poured it out the window and filled it up again this time to throw the cup away.  
  in regards to the fire in rhode island that killed the guitarist from great white and 50 other people, my brother said: "I find it interesting that no one is identifying the massive amount of hairspray in the building at the time of the fire as a contributing factor. "Seems pretty obvious to me."   
  I've been around for a while. Been divorced for 12 years. I stopped looking for "the love of my life" a long time ago.  I know many long-term marriage people and as of yet, I have not seen the truly contented couple. Seems to me that women pay so much...  just to have a man.  
  The paramedic looked the injured Limp Bizkit fan straight in the eye and said "Son, you could pull through, but I wouldn't suggest it."        
  lately i've taken to lsitening to music while i masterbate to porn im really getting into it when winamp cycles and me and an ex-girlfriends "song" comes on. my first reaction is "fuck... now im going to have to stop, otherwise i'm going to ruin the memory" my second reaction is usually an orgasm  
  Good Times in the Art Shack, Part 1: I was in charge of art this summer at a christian camp.  It was my job to keep the kids entertained and enlightened as to how to make clay animals and tie-dye for eight weeks.  Pretty monotonous, but I still say I had the best job at camp. So as one of the activities we did the last art class each week, we would play with a mixture of corn starch and water and the kids would throw it at each other.  To be honest, it feels like a mix between playdoh and mud, but when you're throwing it and it lands on your face, it looks like the world's largest money shot.  So anyway, it's called "Pudd." One of the junior counselors that's my little brother's age comes up to me the last class of the last session for the summer and proceeds to tell me how all summer he's had to bite his tongue, but he had to tell me that since about the age of five, all the males in his family (and a good portion of his friends) have always called their members, their "pud."   Well hell.  Could have used that information first session when I showed the bishop...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm drunk out with a friend of mine and some of his female friends, he's drinking soft drinks cos he's got screaming kids the next day. I'm not :)  She complains that she's hot and my friend reaches into his drink, takes out and ice cube and drops it down her top.  It's a lose fitting summer dress so it falls to the ground.  'That's no good' I say and grab the front of her dress , cupping her brests at the same time. My friend again reaches into his drink and puts the cube down her top.  Thanks to my cupping the cube stays put, she's slightly taken back by this and is making 'oh oh' noises as it's understandably a bit cold.   I then use one hand to work the ice cube up the front of her dress until I remove it from her cleavage with my mouth.  'My names Gary by the way' I say introducing myself  
  You know that grimy, gritty area on the floor behind the toilet?  I dropped my toothbrush there this morning... and I didn't have another one.  Bad breath or mouth full of grime?  Tough call.  I chose the grime.  
    When I was young, whenever my older sisters were cruel to me, I would get even by peeing in their fancy shampoo bottles.  
  Before the school year began and my roommate showed up, some of us had a real throw down with lots of straight Wild Turkey.  After staggering home I passed out on my bed.  I tried to resist the need to get up and go pee for a long time.  At some point I succeeded.  Because my next realization was that I was lying in a saturated mattress. The solution at the time was to move to my roommate's bed, and go back to sleep. In the morning I put a couple of fans on the wet mattress.  Then, I took the clean mattress as my own.  
  Was at a cigar convnention (outside) was smokeing a very nice hand rolled. Blew smoke it hit a guy with an oxygen hook up, felt bad , till he asked me to do it again.    
  mwuu's story about the 4' long bong and sinse' w/the purple hairs made me remember something similiar.  We had a 7' long bong and some cat had brought this 12th generation thai-afgani blend. The buds had bright yellow hairs. We weren't "stacking" hits but doing big one-hits. We had the bong tilted across this guys bed and two people worked the bowl and carb while you took a hit. All it took was one. I mean the combo really fucked you up. I saw seven different people do the exact same thing. After finally pulling in the smoke and slowly exhaling they said, "wow, that was a really good h......." and fall over passed out.   Ahhh, those were the best times.  
  All you guys with a story where you're girlfriend went to her ex's place to watch a movie - you know what?  She fucked him that night.  Just thought you ought to know.  
  Use only as directed  is actually code for  Don't put it on your dick.    
  The problem with sleeping with younger guys is that they don't mind doing it in the car.  I'm 24 years old for christ's sake.  I've lived in my own apartment for years.  I *like* fucking in my bed.  When the car window fogged up the next morning, and I saw the clear imprint of ass cheeks, I remembered why I keep the age limit above 19.  Oh well.  We all live and learn.    
  I don't remember much about the first time I got high.  Vague images of stumbling through the desert, walking straight into mesquite bushes.  Faintly heard tauntings from stoners I hardly knew wanting me to give them money in return for pills that would cure me from the pot that was supposedly laced with LSD.  Passing out in the living room while trying to find the money.  Then puking into a model pyramid once I woke up and found my way to bed, due to the fact I swallowed more smoke than I inhaled.  Why the hell did I ever smoke pot again?  
  It's all about running out of cranberry juice (to go with my Vodka) at 3AM and, determined to drink more, resorting to Cherry Jello mix with water for a suitable substitute.    Note: I don't recommend it... the gelatin globs all over the ice and makes for a truly foul concoction....  for desperate measures only.  
  Driving back from a late night turn early morning of Denny's snackage, we see a passed out form shrouded in a white blanket lying comatose in the middle of the parking lot two units away from my apartment.  Upon closer inspection it looks like a raver chick who had indulged too much. We get her to mumble, to confirm liveness, and hoist her up onto the grass. Can not just leave her there, but don't want to ruin her life with cops or medics if at all possible.  We prod her and get her to move and talk slightly. We find out she lives on the third floor by herself, and we walk her upstairs. She makes it up under her own power, good sign, and we watch her get in her apartment.  Best case scenario, she wakes up with hell of a headache not remembering anything.  Worst case scenario, the evening news reports a dead raver chick found in her apartment after neighbors notice stench.  Gosh I hope that doesn't happen.  
  ATTENTION ALL GUYS:  Girls like dry fucking.  We get off on it.  We know you don't care for it, but it really pleases us.  Thank you.  
  I enjoy masturbating to ESPN workout shows. But I don't like waiting through all those fucking commercials.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes when I go for runs, I go into this little wooded trail that overlooks an open area. Down in the open area, lots of moms and kids go to play.  If I see a yummy mommy from the trail, I like to take out my meat and beat it right there. I guess there's just something about a woman who can push something of that volume through her pussy. It gets me hard.  Public masturbation - gotta love it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I threw a head of lettuce into the river and watched it  plop in and make a splash, then it broke into a bunch of pieces.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to be a busser at Village Inn.  The best part of any job is the day you quit, if you know how to do it right.  I asked my idiot manager to follow me.  I then proceeded to walk through the restaurant and say, "Fuck you, sir" to every single table.  While my manager was busy apologizing profoundly and telling them that their meal would be free tonight, I went on to the next table.  After I finished with this, I turned to the manager, said, "And fuck you too, sir.  Fuck you too.", took four pies from the counter, and left.  
   As the instructor continued with the demonstration, despite the  giggling students, he was oblivious to the loudly gurgling sink behind him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  The best cigarette of the day is the first one.  I wake up with the alarm and reach for the pack and light one as I get out of bed.  Incredibly, deliciously harsh.  
  i woke up the morning after some great sex. when the guy got up he was wearing underwear. i looked at him and said. how did we hav sex if you wer wearing underwear? he looked at me and said. im just that good.  
  you know it's a good lowbrow run when you don't mind reading the same moment 7 times in 20 minutes.        
  I dreamed that Ben & Jerry's stopped using dairy products in their ice cream, but it still tasted just as good.        
  Wearing nothing but the towel the cops gave me, I realized it is ALOT harder to explain why I'm naked by the side of the road, while the girlfriend is fully dressed behind the wheel.  Unbeknowest to me, the cop is her cousin and she is getting a huge laugh out of this. He is getting some humor out of it also.  I remove the towel, and decide to for go it alone. I ran out in the road, stopping the next car that came by.  The driver let me in and we got about 1/4 mile down the road before we got pulled, me getting arrested for "fleeing from an officer", the driver (complete stranger) got a HUGE amount of tickets also.  The cousin/cop is the one taking me to jail, and asks me:  him: "What were you thinking running naked into traffic?"  me: "not sure really, but now that I think about it, If I was driving down the road, and some naked guy stopped me, I would'nt have let him in"  him: "Yeah, maybe I just saved your life!"  me: "Let's not get too far head of ourselves..."   
   Renaissance Man  In my defence, I absolutely love women, and treat them with the utmost respect. I dislike 95% of porn because it gets its jollies from demeaning women. I don't like to see women demeaned, because I adore them. Without women, there would be no reason to be here. One of my favourite things to do is to cradle a woman in my arms while she sleeps, just loving her trust and her soft presence. All very nice,  but , when I'm alone in my car, and I see a cute woman walking down the street, if I have the windows closed (so that she can't hear me), I like to yell " CUNT! " at the top of my lungs. I don't know why.  
  One time, I got stoned and ate an entire box of Kaboom! cereal.  And half a box of Crispix, to boot.  Man, seriously, make marijuana legal for people with loss of appetite. Holy mother of God. That stuff works like a charm.  
    Men used to use me for sex, i now spend all their money, and milk as much as i can.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In 40 plus years of driving on all kinds of Texas roads; freeways, county roads, state highways, I've seen many shoes in the middle of the road. All sizes, all kinds; but never a pair. One flip flop, one athletic shoe, one penny loafer, one high heeled "fuck me" pump, one sandal, etc. And, I've wondered "How did that one shoe get there in the middle of the road? How did its owner lose that one shoe? Did the owner miss the one shoe? Did the man, woman, or child one morning ask him/herself, "Where is the mate to that shoe?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Old folks think that college is Animal House, all us youth tend to do is drink, screw, and party in togas.  Corporations think that we're do-right hippies, irrational cause-lovers hellbent on destroying their market.  The media portrays us as underambitious intellectuals, wordy, cynical, as we are all nerdy bastards.  Not me, though.  I view college like one of those Polynesian snuff films.  3 men slit a woman's neck and then take turns on her...  Don't judge me.  It's hard to meet girls the conventional way.    
  you are reading to much into it- the dividers between urinals have nothing to do with shame.  they are, however, intended to keep your neighbors piss splash off your legs.        
  They really need to re-design this websight to look like an office memo.  That way I can read it all day at work even when people are walking by.  
  I am ascending the escalator from the cavernous depths of the World Trade Center.  Lines of silent suited-marching ants, all carrying briefcases, the synchronous click-clack of shoes echoing off of the walls and ceilings All human traffic flowing in one direction. Yes, that is soul-destroying, after a week in the mountains. Or a week at a quiet secluded beach. And there is lone figure walking towards this line of robots. He is wearning rags, and he is laghing, guffawing loudly, pointing at "us"  saying : "Look ayt you!!! Ha Ha Ha!!! You'ze asll dead!! Ha Ha Ha!!!" And one's first thought is "that man is insane!" But then I felt a cold shiver down my spine, as the thought that he IS right, and it is our lives and daily grind that is really fucked up. I secretly wanted to join him in his amusement.  
  "coffee shouldn't be this way," I reasoned.  "It should be an experience: something you sit down to with a good book or a game of chess.  It shouldn't be a punishment for unatoned sins."  "You want cream with that, honey?" the red-headed girl behind the counter asked, gum popping and freckles freckling.  "No... thanks."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I'm still online when he gets up/ "why are you still up?" "Honey I have a problem" "what?" "I like going into gay chats and pretending to be a guy." He rolls his eyes and fixes the coffee. I don't tell him I do it under his name.  
    Flirting (v)   I think most peple don't understand flirting. Flirting is a completely separate art-form from come-ons, and one of the major joys of my life. I'm sitting in the brewpub, next to a foursome. I turn to the very young and pretty, large-breasted blonde (not my type, honestly) next to me and compliment her on brightening my evening by being so gorgeous. She looks wary and nervous (perhaps reasonable, since if I was in bed with her and her twin sister, I'd still be older than them). She: "Ehhh, do I know you? That's my boyfriend, there..." Me: "I know. I'm not coming on to you, I'm flirting with you. You and I both know that you'll be going home with him, but in the meantime, he's ignoring you..." I pause, until she nods in acquiesence. "...and flirting is just a way for complete strangers to give each other compliments. It's weightless, it's not going anywhere, but it's fun, and besides, it'll drive him  crazy . She looks contemplative for a moment, then brightens and says: "That's a cute accent. Where's it from?" Fifteen minutes later, with her and I both giggling outselves silly over some outrageous comment she made, she whispers: "What's he doing?" Me, after taking an exaggerated look over her shoulder at her steaming boyfriend: "Exactly what we want him to. You are going to get some very attentive company shortly..."   
  There is a girl I hang out a lot with, often at her request. Sometimes I think about banging this girl, or asking her out on a date. Usually the time I start to have these thoughts, she will tell me a story about some dude that asked her out, and say "the ego on him..." So usually I just listen to her stories and get no sex. Dammit.  
  We were all smoking pot by the side of some back road -- saw cops and sirens coming our way. We all threw our pipes and whatnot into the field.  Cops didn't even stop.  
   I Fire My New Buddy  We own the pool table all night and piss off all the young wannabees. Grand time. We close the place, still owning the table. Some young guy starts to get stroppy* with my new buddy Chris. I intercede and talk to the guy, try to calm him down: "Look. Chris is just drunk out of his gourd. There's no point picking a fight with him." I don't bother to tell him that he's on thin ice -- Chris looks fat exactly the same way that Bruce Smith and Livingston Taylor looked fat, when they made their livings making hamburger out of quarterbacks. This starts to feel familiar. I spent all last winter playing ambassador to my crazy buddy Patrick. It was fun, up to a point, but I don't want to spend this winter doing the same. Young guy won't back off, and gets back into Chris' face. The bartender gets involved. Bartenders hate calling the cops, because the cops tell them plainly: "You leave us alone, and we'll leave you alone. Take care of your own problems." But this bartender tells me he's starting to think about it. I nod my head in agreement, but ask for one more try at defusing things. He readily agrees. Given that this weekend is an officially-designated "zero-tolerance" weekend, and while sitting at the window for half an hour, I saw 7 cars pulled over for no obvious reason, I don't want any of this. I grab Chris by the lapels. He threatens to hit me. I stare at him and yell: "Chris! This kid is a dickless wannabee who has to prove himself every breath he takes! You would turn him into a greasy patch on the floor! Then you'd get arrested! There is no dishonour here in just walking away!" Chris: "Take your fucking hands off of me." I do. Chris: "Let me tell you something..." Me: "NO! Let me tell you something! You have 10 seconds to back off, or I don't know you." Chris: "Let me tell you something..." Me: "Fuck this. I'm outa here." I walk away. Chris: "[Limbo], let me tell you something..." Me: "Who the fuck are you calling [Limbo]? I don't know you." I walk out into the cool night, down by one friend, and feeling very good about it. I could risk driving home, but I smartly decide to walk the 10 blocks, instead. ----------- *British slang, derived from "obstreperous"  
  I like to smoke cigarettes when i drink and so when i am drunk and want a smoke i will walk around picking cigarettes out of ashtrays or off the ground.    Sometimes i even find whole or half ones.  Those are great and rare finds that i treasure until they are smoked.    I have not yet got any disease from doing this yet. but keep your fingers crossed.  
  I fell asleep while going down on her once...kinda set the tone of the whole marriage.  
  My cousin went on an interview and went to the bathroom .  When he came out of the bathroom, he had toliet paper hanging out of his pants.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm using a file search engine, looking for the wonderful 6-movement "Dona Nobis Pacem" by Vaughan Williams.  The only result it comes up with is (no joke)  "Donald duck gets a blow job.wma"  
  I don't have any way to measure the amount of Tang I put in my water.  And instead of a scoop, I uh, pour the Tang directly into a homemade paper funnel.  Sometimes I overpour and it's way too orangey.  Sometimes I underpour and it just tastes like ass.  In both situations, I'm far too lazy to do anything about, so I just choke it down.  Tang and Oreos.  Yeah, I'm gonna raise my kids on this shit.  
  I've named them Upper and Lower Egypt.  I don't know why, except that she wears only silver.  Except that she glows with lights of accumulated heat.  Except that in her eyes I feel lost for centuries.  Except that her kisses would drive any Pharoah mad with envy.  Upper and Lower Egypt.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I knew they were moving soon, so I carefully saved all the shit my cat produced for over two weeks. Soon I had a huge reeking bag of it, destined for the interior of his precious "I love it more than life, wife, or kids" convertivble. Son of a bitch moved two days early while I wasn't home.  All shit up and nowhere to throw. Damn. Oh well, last time I looked they hadn't moved the church steps.  
  I was a reading mentor in High School. This is before I started listening to decent music, so I was pretty much an idiot.  Had a best friend though, Robby. Great guy. Nice, good guy.  Also constantly stoned out of his FUCKING MIND.   Gave me a brownie once. Yeah, one of those kind. But I didn't realize it at the time.  So what did I do with it? I wasn't hungry.   So I gave it to the group of third graders I was supposed to be mentoring.  I was a prick before I became a prick, apparently. I'm thinking it might be genetic.  
  my funeral is already planned...being dropped naked from a helicopter into an active Hawaiian volcano, with a hundred foot yellow ribbon tied around my now useless crank...and a terrible band playing "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree" over and over and over...  my 15 minutes on television will be after I die...  
  one time i saw this chick sitting on my friends lap. I was going to hit on her until i realised "her" sack was hanging out of her miniskirt.  
  my best freind and her brother were arguing. it was awesome, they're lke the freaking osbournes. she suddenly shouts out - "you just have a complex because your only two inches when you're hard!" He looks like he's going to cry, looking back and forth between her and me. i was trying so hard not to laugh. he ran to his room. i just about pissed my pants.  was i supposed to be sypathetic?  
  When I was in college I used to drink like any other student - copiously and indiscriminately  But I remember the day I discovered the beauty of whiskey, the flavour, the warmth, I learned to appreciate it without using it to get so drunk I'd be sick or forget my name  I learned to love it  The day I switched on my PC to do some small-time maintenance, and discovered hidden files: my boyfriend at the time  (dirtylowdownscumbagworthlessnothing)  had photoshopped pictures of my face onto the bodies of naked girls  and I knew, just knew he'd swapped these photos in chat rooms, posted them on amateur porn sites, probably submitted one or two to 'hotornot'  and then I found more photos, where he had hidden cameras around the room, left the web cam on and switched the monitor off, hidden a video camera  hundreds of downloaded images too  scrolling up and down the page and they never ended  soft porn, hardcore porn, barely legal, rape fantasies, bondage  all on my PC  all downloaded using a 'per minute' access phone connection cosing me hundreds of pounds a month while he maintained he was 'looking for a job'  he's so low I hope he dies roaring  and drunk will never fix anything for me again  so I now just drink whiskey because I like the taste  (...and sometimes on the fourth glass I fantasise about putting my cigarettes out on his face).  
  Worked for this corporation once who decided in light of the downturn of the economy, it would be in bad taste to give anyone raises. Also, that to "enlighten" us, we would be required to do an assigned "good deed" weekly. Mine was watering the plants. I watered them with Clorox.   
  Marc Rich is now able to return to the US under the protection of a full Presidential  pardon. The Eminent humanist Dr. Jack Kevorkian still languishes in a Michigan prison. Sorry for the lack of sex, drugs, bars, etc. in this post,  but in my mind, it doesn't get much lower than this.   
   My One-And-Only Acid Trip. Take 3  Three weeks later, I finally get released from hospital, but only because my two astonishing-babe friends, Jackie and Mary, agree to take me in and take care of me. I have no problem with this at all. Just no problem with this at all. Jackie and Mary are both 4'10" tall, and use the wonderful gifts they have been given in dramatically-different ways. I'm even making progress with Mary, who tucks me into bed in the spare room, while beaming smiles at me. I don't care - I have eyes only for Jackie. But she's nowhere around. I'm barely hanging onto reality, about to go into another panic attack at any moment, but I still get really greasy and ask Mary to send Jackie in to take care of me. Jackie looks doubtful, but I turn my charm on, explain that I'm near to having another panic attack, and if she'd just get into bed with me, it would help. So she does. Jackie snugggggles close, just trying to help at first, but soon getting into it. We get moist, then wet, then start to approach ... but then I actually have a real panic attack. I'm dying. Every heartbeat is the last one. I'm going to die in the next 30 seconds, then the next 30 seconds, then ... Jackie runs to get Mary and they both look down at me. They call a taxi. Mary is going to go with me to the hospital and everything is going to be OK. I'm still going to die in the next 30 seconds, but I somehow manage to demand that Jackie accompany me to the hospital...  
  > I plan to fulfill all of my sexual fantasies by the time I'm 25...just to make sure I don't get too "mature" or decide they're bad ideas.   I'd agree with this statement, except one of my fantasies is to have sex with a woman more than 20 years younger than me, on the couch of my ex-wife's house.  And I'm not into 5 year olds.  
  I like to steal the pantyhose, cum in them, and then put them back.  Just the green ones, I like green.  Whenever I see a pretty girl wearing green pantyhose, I wonder if those are the ones I "used".  Then I go to steal another pair, and jack off in those too.  
  My brother is in a corner store and about to pay for BBQ brickettes.  He: "Fuck these things are expensive!" His girlfriend: "If you think thats expensive, you should see the KY (jelly)"  The place went silent.  
  I found out how much my ex liked anal sex by catching her doing to herself with the plunger handle. It was almost gone, it was in so deep. My first thought was, "Cool, now I can get some too". My second was "How am I gonna satisfy her after a three foot long stick"?!  
  First picture the setting: Netherlands 1998  Story: A friend of mine had loaned some money from me during the summer vacation. When the time came to pay me back, he did a wire transfer to my bank account. As a joke he put the description "Downpayment #2 XTC tablets".   Well first the bank questioned me about that. And then my parents saw the transfer description, offcourse i got a big preach about "drugs are bad hmmkay" and "its okay to experiment just dont be stupid".   
  A long time ago, in a universe far, far away.....  I was in my bedroom listing to AC/DC. My grandma, a very religious woman, opens the door and says, " you don't have to shut your door, I like your music...." Right at that moment the stereo blares"...I'm on the highway to hell..."  She quietly shut the door behind her and never said another word about my music.  Man, she was the coolest.  
  Slipping slightly on the bar mat, she spins around, looks for me on thedark, wondering why I didn't pick up my $1.25.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I'm in a fight with my Rice Crispies right now... i distinctly heard "Snap, Crackle, F*ck You."  
  i moaned, "oh, god..."  he grinned at me and said, "i thought you didn't believe in god."  i guess i should come up with a new pet name for his cock if it's going to create so much confusion.  
  funny how people who actually use computers all day rarely wanna talk about them afterward i know the stages of microsoft dejection im not smart frustration this thing sux anxiety im not gonna finish this indignation bills worth sixty five billion cos he charges seventy five bucks a phone call so you can get someone to tell you about his inferior products the the blissful sheer unadulterated anger that motivates you to rtfm that read the fucking manual ignore their suggestions and find out on your own that still doesnt mean i want to chat about it over a cuppajoe after dino junior show jese youd think the machine own your ass ive been on mine for eleven hours        
  So, I was walking down the street one day. Actually I was at this posh shopping area and this rather large clueless woman walked by. As she passed I turned to look at her. She was wearing white leggings and keds. The disturbing thing was that she had a maxi-pad on underneath. It was clearly visable through the fabric. I shouted "Oh my God!" Then I proceded into the restaurant I was headed towards and ordered a salad. I wasn't too hungry after seeing that.  
  As it stands, I have more (that I know of) men lusting after me than women. Maybe I should stop beging so goddamn homoerotic.   And perhaps making out with Lucas on the bus wasn't such a great idea...  
  When I left her, the only thing of mine remaining was a Christmas stocking my sister-in-law made with her name and HO HO HO embroidered on it.  
  I live in a dorm. The sink is right next to my bed. I smoke a lot of pot in this room. Needless to say the bongwater must be emptied and refilled quite often. All I ask, is that if you are emptying the bong, do it in the toiet. Otherwise, I have to sleep next to the smell of nasty bongwater for 2-3 days. Assholes.   
  post-coitus with the ex girlfriend i notice she has a 2 inch long black hair protruding from her nipple i promptly remove it, giving her no warning with my teeth  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         All things said and done pretending to be a member of the opposite sex becomes a drag.  No pun intended.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i think that it is a good idea to have a bunch of snappy retorts ready for any emotional conflict / crisis situation.  witty remarks  like: "yeah, blow me bitch!"        
   Shat black for days because I bet that no one at the party could knock the wind out of me.   Winning made it worthwile, I suppose.  
  Sometimes my friends think cock blocking me is funny.  One time while in college I was workin a little magic when there came a knock on the door.  Not just one of those polite little, "excuse me, is anyone home knocks."  More like a "I'm a huge fucking sasquatch trying to get in to anally rape you." type knocks.  After five minutes of incessant banging I answer the door.  The girl follows me.  Outside in the hall was a pair of pink cotton panties filled with baked beans.  It looked like the hershey squirt from hell.  Needless to say... no lovin for me that night.  
  I have seen a few zit/puss stories here of late. It is nice to see a new lowbrow subject.  My contribution: I once had an infected cyst on my back that grew so large that it looked like a zit with a head as large as a nickel.  When the dermatologist tried to excise it, the sac broke and sprayed pus like a volcano. The nurse assisting him shreiked.  I was so proud.   
  "KY tastes so nasty!" I said. "Astroglide tastes better," Lauren says.  Denise stares over her coffee, and proclaims, "I think it's time for me to go home and have a long talk with my mom." ~puck~  
  it was the first time i went down on her...about a year ago  as she began to gesture and jerk back and forth (climax?), i looked up and asked, "are you retarded?"  i got a golden shower i'll never forget         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't wait until one of my friends gets married. At his bachelor party, I'm going to get him piss ass drunk, put him on a plane to Chicago with no ID and leave a singe airport locker key in his pocket. I only wish I could be there to see his face when he wakes up to discover he missed his own wedding.   With friends like these, eh?  
  I looked at Mister Bubbleman, hanging on my lamp.  Posed with arms locked, defiantly, at his side, in that classic Superman pose.  Mister Bubble Man was proud.  His face emotionless, due to the fact that he wore a helmet, resembling some Power Ranger. A gun belt hung from his side, and on his chest, was a bolt of lightning, representing whatever the hell Mister Bubble Man wanted it to represent.  His transparent body accenting the olive hue, of the bubble liquid within his oddly shaped, muscled, body.  Odd that the fact that Mister Muscle Man had big breasts.  Maybe Mister Bubble Man was not a man.  Perhaps Mister Bubble Man was Miss Bubble Woman.  "Impossibe", I thought, Mister Bubble Man is all man.  He must just do alot of butterfly curls in the gym.      
  I just saw a public service announcement on TV. There seem to be a lot of those on when you only watch TV between midnight and 5am. Anyways, this one was a guy with a little box all wrapped up like a present, talking about how you can't tell what's in the box just by looking at the outside.  He then said that people are the same way. After all this time, i finally understand, and i see that the only way to really know someone is to tear them open with my bare hands and look closely at what's inside. I feel ever so much better now.  
  I'm on the highway, looking through the back window in front of me, at the rearview mirror, from which a dreamcatcher hangs, and I'm thinking:  As if falling asleep at the wheel wasn't bad enough, what kind of nightmares are you trying to drive away by hanging a dreamcatcher in your car?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in class today i sneezed and a fistload of flem came up. everyone around me turned around and "god-blessed" me. i thanked them then looked down and realized a wad of flem on my shirt. gross!        
  I used to tell people that I could never bring myself to kill another person because I was all into this taoism bullshit and I thought the moral highground would grant me some spiritual awakening.  I blew a tire driving 70 miles per hour and pulled off the side of the road to throw a spare on.  Some guy went by 5 times beeping like a psycho each time. He stopped when he saw that I got the doughnut halfway on and asked if I needed help. I was like, "Nope, I got it." He says, "I noticed you were trying to fix that for a long time." I said, "Didn't know it was a fucking race. This isn't Nascar, fuck nut." He was getting shitty and saying crap like, "I bet you didn't even know you had a spare in there until now." So I told him to leave but he just stood there staring at me.  I had a death grip on my big ass 4 iron and I would have beat his ass to death with the motherfucker if he so much as sneezed.  
  If you can, go out and buy some Steel Reserve 211 malt liquor.  It tastes ok, the colder the better.  At 8.1%, it's worth $1.50 a can.  After 2 24 oz. cans, I passed out by 9:30 PM.  211 apparently stands for Armed Robbery, in police code.  Yeah, it'll rob all your senses blind.  Not surprising the first time I tried it was when I was with my ex.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It is a California state law that if you're female, attractive, and you live in Sacramento, you must have at least one major psychological disorder.  Out of common courtesy, it is frowned upon to let any possible suitors be aware of this disorder until you've been sleeping together for 3 months.  But then, buddy, the shit hits the fan.  Just so's y'all know.  
  This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.  She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of Bailey's. The other full of lime juice.  She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic. First he swallows the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.  Then he chugs the lime juice. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth.  Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice.  Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess. As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, "It's called 'Blowjob Revenge." Evil does not wear a bonnet  
  Why haven't the drug companies figured out that if they developed a pill to reduce or eliminate the errrrr, ummm, rather volatile mood swings caused by PMS that men all around the world would be backing up the truck for this shit and that they could probably charge whatever they wanted to to it. And then we would figure out some way for our women to ingest it - like it or not.      
  every time i get in the elevator at work i look at the women in there.  95% of the time, im the only guy there.  and in that 95% of the time, i have seen 1 hot girl.    however, in that 5% im with someone, every single time there is a hot girl.  whats worse?  noticing it.  or bitching about it.  its not like the elevator will die anyway...  
  Coming home from work I make a brief detour into Safeway....surrepticiously avoiding the bell-tolling Santa and the Mexican lady dressed as a nurse in support of something-or-other trolling for coinage outside. I pick out my items, go to the express aisles. One has a guy cashier...I'm simply not in the mood to stare back dolefully. Next is the token gay guy. Better, but I'm not so sure where his sympathies would lie. Last is a woman. Hallelujah. I pull out my two bags of frito-lays, nachos and salsa, lo-cal (yeahright)candy bars, boxes of motrin and tampons and it occurs to me, whoever made a commercial of this very scene would corner the market on feminine products without any other effort whatsoever.  Just another girls-we've-all-been-there moment brought to you by leeryjello (tm.)  
  My buddy lived near a church. Being in high school and not having much to do but drive around and be offensive, we decided to come up with the most offensive phrase that we could. We then decided to drive past the church and holler it at the parishoners. Never mind the fact that we were only a few blocks from Tim's house, and some of his neighbors might well have been standing there. Oh no, nothing was going to stop us from driving by and yelling  "Satan skull fucks the baby Jesus with a red-hot metal poker!!!"  Got some looks for that one...  
  I was with a group of people watching this guy blow his fowl breath through a digerydoo.  The smell was wripe with a weeks eating. He sat the the dige down and picked up a lid from a defunct serving dish, littered with dirt and dents, and accompanied by a mallet. He strode from being to being hitting his homemade gong while orbiting it around peoples heads. When he came to me and hit his device I had a head full of mushrooms.  It's sound was pleasant and would have brought the sounds of meditation to me heart, but I'll I could think was there is this dirty hippie, ripe with onions under his arms and rotten decay falling from his mouth banging a beat up metal bowl at my head.  
  I've masterbated at least once a day, every day for the past 12 years.  I can't get orgasm with a partner unless they use their hands.  I can't help but think I did this to myself.  
  My coworker J. picks his nose, then eats it. Does not bathe regularly. Does not use deoderant. Unbuttons and unzips his pants to scratch himself while he is talking to you. Smells just like his car - of old, stale masturbation. Is grossly overweight. And never actually does anything at work.  Guess who just got a raise.  
  I have to say, the vehelmency and vicious sincerity - the complete passion in the eyes of a person telling me how much they cant stand Britney Spears or one of those boy bands - the raw  pink in the face near trembling   vitality of it.  It seems so much closer to getting off then anyone Ive ever witnessed saying how much they like them.  Theres a reason to seek fame - the notion not that you'll be adored and masturbated over by adoring worshipers but that people will lean all hot and sweaty at other people in hallways and across tables saying how much you suck and how much they fucking cant stand you.  Then masturbating over you later anyway.     Hit me baby one more time.  
  John-John is missing at sea.  One of the talking heads said, "He was our lady Di."  
  I was maybe 9 years old, and my 15 year old cousin told me this joke:  What's gross? Finding a used condom in a jar of mayonnaise.  What's grosser than gross? You just ate some.  I didn't get it.  I just stood there, staring, and she said,   "Don't you know what goes in a condom?" and I said, "umm, yeah?"  and she said, "besides that!" and I said, "umm, no?"  Then she explained to me what semen is.  I haven't been able to enjoy mayonnaise since.   But it gets better.    I told a guy I was kind of dating that story, but I wouldn't tell him the joke (it's so stupid that it's embarrassing), and so he threatened to put mayo all over me.  I called what I presumed to be a bluff, and it took me a loooong time to get the mayonnaise out of my belly button.  
  skunk we yelled and ran faster than our legs could to avoid a spray i started to do a chin plow when i looked and saw rooster skidding on his beak rolling on the seventh green in the rain drunk as roaches and laughing like you never had to stop  fuck adulthood       
  insanity is a majority of one fucking crazy is when that majority requires a recount of the votes        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my cock is crooked (to the left). when ever i get a hard on, i have to move my leg, cause my cock is pushing into my leg. very uncomfortable. so if you see man on the subway, sitting down, who then checks out some fine lady, look to see if he moves his leg left leg, it could be me, you never know.  
  I had dated my first girlfriend in college for a year and a half before she started seeing a close friend of mine on the side.  Having no clue as to how these things go, I assumed she broke up with him by virtue of me finding out.  The summer goes by where she stays in town with me. She moves back to a new apartment 1/4 mile away from this guy. I help her move.  2 months later I am staying the weekend, hoping for some nookie, feeling the tension between us, still without a clue.  She goes to work, I snoop around and find a box of letters from this guy that he had been sending her all summer.  "I miss you and can't wait to fuck you in the ass again." AGAIN  We had tried it that later that summer because she was "curious" and she thought "yeah I think I might like it". I wonder how long and how often she'd been up to it.  I never snoop again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was sitting in the dentist's chair and the dentist let one go. it was quiet but i still saw him do the one cheek sneek. so i worked one up and let it go. he couldn't get back to work for 5 minutes. i was proud of myself.  
  I wonder why the songs with the most curse words are always chosen as singles...  ...and then censored so heavily you can't even begin to understand what the song's about in the first place.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the bible story about sodom and gomorah would have turned out differently if they only had some KY  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went down to the mailboxes and there was some little brat, trying to open them at random. He stuck his key in mine and I told him to get the fuck away from my mailbox, and he ran off. While I was sorting out the junkmail, he comes back with his fatass mom.  Fatass- "Did you curse at my child?" Me- "No." Kid- "She did too! She did too!" Me- "oh yeah? What did I say?" Kid- "You said to get the fuck away from your mailbox." Fatass- "Antoine, you watch your fucking mouth!" And she proceeded to beat his ass all the way home.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like the word "Dickcissle"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some lowbrow observations:  Farts now concern me....  Trying to describe this site I ususlly use some sort of shit-yourself-story as an example....  Many of my friends and co-workers are a great source of browish material....  You people are a bunch of sick, depraved, compulsive little monkeys....  Sigh...  Thanks for letting me in the club.  
  once, in the bus, on the way home from disneyland, on grad night, with my dean sitting across the bus row from me, i stuck my hand down my girllfriend's shorts.  we had a jacket completely over our laps, so no one could see.  she yanked out my wanker and started pulling.  after she finished me off and my finger had cleaned her out enough, i unzipped her shorts completely and stuck my head under the jacket to start licking.  "stop," she said, "now that's just getting silly"  
      So, a I'm walking from behind the gym after getting baked with a bunch of cutters like myself when I saw my buddy Dave (he thinks he knows kung-fu -how f'ing '70s is that?) getting his asskicked by Tikos. Tikos is huge and plays lacrosse and hockey. I was cooked and pretty pissed so I ran over, grabbed Tikos by the hair and landed on the back of his head with my knee. Then proceded to bash him into bloddy unconsciousness. That was 20 years ago. I saw Tikos the other day walking down Houston with his kids and wife. I felt like such an amzingly large asshole. then I thought, the fucker should know who he's messing with.    
  If I've learned only one thing from Lowbrow, it is to hide my toothbrush.  Too many up the ass stories on here.  
  All you recovering masturbate-a-holics out there feel free to contribute.  That is, if you can type with socks over your hands.   
  I can't believe that PETA has gotten so pathetic that they go door to door now, but I just answered a knock to find two little twerps, high school age, asking me to sign a "letter of intent" that I wouldn't eat turkey this Thanksgiving.  After I refused, they asked for a donation instead. So I went to the freezer and dug out an old steak and gave it to them.  I could hear them freaking out for a good five minutes after I slammed the door in their appalled faces.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If any women in New York would like to get stoned and watch the Carl Sagan "Cosmos" television series on DVD with me, feel free to write.  
  oh, i think its definitely Foul Mouth and Big Shoes, although im sure the old ladies on the plane home would have voted for foul shoes, but who cares what they think, theyre almost dead.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           The Great Sue M. Tit Hunt  Sue, my favourite lust-object co-worker, was leaving town for another job  Me: Remember that time you visited me in hospital a couple years ago?  She (warily) : Eh, yes...  Me: You know that I don't remember anything at all about that year, because of the injury?  She: Good!  Me: Please understand, though -- it's really important that I know what happened, because it's part of my life, and I just don't have any access to it. C'mon, you're leaving town, I'll never see you again.  Can't you tell me?  She (blushing furiously): Ehhhhh, OK. I came to visit you with John. You were very funny and flirtatious! I sat on your bed and you took my hand.  She: Then you turned to John and said something like: "Now it's time for the  Great Sue M Tit Hunt!  And you shoved your hand up my blouse!  She: Then you said: "Nope, nothing there --- let's try over here" and you ran your hands all around me under my blouse!  Me: Really?  What did you do?  She: What  could  I do? I shrieked, I asked John to make you stop...  Me: Thanks, Sue -- I just really needed to know what actually happened.   (P.S. Her account exactly confirmed what John, jealous awe in his voice, had already told me, except for his added observation: "She could have just stood up, but she didn't. She just sat there giggling for about five minutes while you fondled her.)   
  I was out on the town in Minneapolis with some friends.   On the car ride there, I was telling them about how ever since I had started working customer service jobs, I have hated convertible drivers. Many of my most hated customers drove convertibles.   Upon reaching the parking ramp across the street from the bar, we found ourselves parked next to a convertible with the top down.  All my friends looked at me expectantly, but I just shrugged and walked to the bar across the street.  A few hours later, as we were heading back to the car, we passed the convertible again. This time I told my friends to wait, as I walked over to the convertible, stuck my finger down my throat, and proceeded to puke all over the leather seats, steering column, stick-shift, and the backseat.  I had 9 or 10 beers, and a few baskets of popcorn at the bar, so it was pretty chunky and acidic.  I can't wait to go out again.  
  I was in a pub called the Ruskin Arms in East London, its a dive, but its on the cover of an Iron Maiden album so you can tell what sort of man I am.  On the way out my friend dropped the tabs we had aquired. Right in a doorway.  We spent twenty minutes looking for them, we found them, we took them.  Its only now thinking back I realise that hundreds...nay thousands of drunk metal heads must have pissed in that doorway over the years.  
  So lonely I made friends with a cockroach in the basement of my apt. building tonight.  Each time I'd go down to do more laundry stuff, he'd be there by the door, and then he'd run away-- but when I went down again there he'd be.  Last time though, he wasn't there.  Moved on to better things I guess.  Just as well... I would have invited him up to the apt., but then I'd have to kill him.  
  life lesson ----  glade lemon fresh room spray  does not  cover poopy catbox smell  in fact  it makes it worse  ----   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was talking with my friend about 3 months ago, and he was talking about how oblivious his ex girlfriend was.   While they were driving around in Detroit, through her old neighborhood she saw a girl on the corner, and said "that poor girl, she's been standing there for years, and has never gotten a ride."  My friend turned to her and said "CYNTHIA! THAT'S A WHORE!"  
  at my buddy mandys work, i noticed not to long ago. the batteries were right next to the condoms, wich are righ next to the disposable cameras. no lube though...  
  I was working at a record company looking at gruesome online pictures of Kurt Cobain just after he shot himself when a couple of executives came in my office who personally knew him.  They saw my screen, didn't say a word and just left.  That's beyond putting your foot in your mouth.  
  Checked my mail today at my old address, the one I don't use anymore because it's overrun by spammers. unfortunately it's also the email address I gave my college, so I have to keep checking it occasionally.  So while deleting my 620 messages, I see "Stop Hillery Clinton".  Thinking 'What has she done now?' I open it.    It was a Nordic Trak ad.  So either Hillary Clinton has become CEO of Nordic Trak's competition, or they expect us to buy a Nordic Trak and get in shape enough to run down her guards, hogtie them, and then kill her with bare hands.  Either that, or the spammer's a moron.  
  "What would you do if the bombs fell tonight, and the morning sun found you in a post-apocalyptic world of radiation and barbarism?"  I have to admit, it was the oddest question a stranger had ever asked me outside the doctor's office.  I thought for a moment, swishing my amaretto sour around my back teeth.   "I'd salvage a weapon, some food, and a good tough car.  Then I'd gather other survivors around me and start a crusade to preserve kindness and humanity in the face of nuclear winter."  I nodded, satisfied with my answer.  She reached over the bar and snatched two olives from the cup there.  She smiled, just a little, as she dropped them dramatically into my mostly empty drink.  "The bombs have fallen.  What are you waiting for?"    
  My dad introduced me to a man who laughed so hard at lunch one day that loads of spaghetti shot out of his nose. Interestingly enough, this same man had lost two fingers on his right hand by getting drunk and falling off of the Cyclone in Coney Island.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         most people cry out their sadness. either that or use a baseball bat.  i don't own a baseball bat and crying sucks.  so i find usually i shit out my sadness. no kidding, when i'm depressed it's like i had a bean burito buffet.  
  Visiting a Korean massage-and-handjob parlor is probably already kinda lowbrow, but the "after" conversation is even more so.  Every once in a while, you wind up with some chick that, for whatever reason, there's just really some chemistry there and SHE's into it too, which of course makes the whole thing ten times better.    So this one time, it was like that, and I went off like a shotgun... and she exclaimed "oh, strong power!"  ... and if hearing some girl discussing your jimmy with what sounds like stock lines out of poorly-translated manga isn't lowbrow, I don't know what is.  
  He stood there all trembles, his trousers awash with fluid.  "Mommy," he said, "I think it's happened again."  She gazed at him with a look only a mother can give her son.   "Go wash your hands, dear.  Supper's ready."  He would go to school, and it would happen.  The other children, with their innocent cruelty, would laugh hysterically and scream at him, "Mommy Trousers!  MOMMY TROUSERS!!"  He could do nothing but pray for a quick demise.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So yeah there is this loser and I tell him "you are an inept dweeb" "What?" he exasperatedly exclaimed. "You sir, are an inept dweeb." Quoteth I, thinking this would drive home the fucking point. He looks at me, a smirk slowly covering his dweeby face. "You mean apt dweeb, correct??"  Man that was funny, except everyone else in the room was also a buttfucking dickweed and thought he was right.  
  This judge, named Roberts, wanted to get a piece of an old car out of a ditch, I wanted some pieces of the car too so we decided to use my jeep to pull the car out of the ditch and tow it to my garage.  So we get the car out, it's chained to the back of my jeep, because this car doesn't run, so I start pulling him down a hill, he realises that the car has no brakes.  He starts gaining speed on us, we thought he was going to hit us, what does he do?  he jerks the wheel to the left and passes us...chained to the back of my jeep and he passes us.  He rolled my jeep and wrecked the car, when we got to the bottom I said why in the hell would you do that?  he said he didn't want to ding up the back fender of my 1973 rusted out jeep.  
  Moving from Cambridge to my own apartment (finally!) in a street of duplexes in Somerville, my friend Gorindar helps me with the heavy stuff.  As we're carrying furniture in across the lawn, we see several neighbour's curtains rustling.  We're being watched.  On the next trip, we gather five of Gorindar's friends.  They all put turbans and those white pajama things on.  When we get to Somerville, they pile out of the truck, talking Hindu at the tops of their lungs, and run up and down the driveway carrying stuff in at top speed. Lots of fun.  After a few days, one of my new neighbours finally works up enough nerve to ask if I am living alone.  
  We played basketball in shorts and dress shoes. We were all so accustomed to being polite to eachother, coupled with the effect of the shoes,  we invented,  "british-style b-ball".  We were hardcore ballers, yo.  
  American Dream #127: A beautiful, caring, independently wealthy wife and a slutty maid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yeah so what i love my wife go be jaded somewhere else you cheating lying assgrabbing hypocriticaldont know what you want so you cant get what you want bastard jese man some people will piss on anyones parade just to get attention or to make their feeble bullshit lives seem important i dont care about your f ed up life he just sat there looking at me in horror guess i overplayed that hand a bit        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was sitting here at my computer reading lowbrow, and picking my nose, and i got a nice big bugger. i was examining it on my finger, and oops, it fell. so i look down to get rid of it, and it seems that it dissapeard into the keepboard.   
  ok. this from a friend.  a man named mike living in a small, dull university town has very little to do with himself.  on a friday night he gets trashed at the local dive, then goes out for a walk. at some point along this drunken escapade he decides to take off all his clothes. He walks into the local McDonald's, goes up to the counter and asks the server if she can "Super size this"   after a moment without respone he says: "well, can you at least make it bacon"  It took five cops and twenty minutes to drag him out of there.  he's my hero  
  I made it to the head, but yerched all over the shower curtain nonetheless.   STILL don't know how I got home.   When I came back the next day to retrieve my car, the guys who live there had removed my car battery and left me a note:  "Come in and clean it up if you want your battery back"  Those guys were pretty smart.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If I weren't a woman, I'd be considered a pedophile.   Instead, I'm just maternal.     
  Overheard at my husband's office barbeque:  Damn, Steffy, your dad's cute! Thanks. And he's hung, too.  
  I forget... hey... who are you... did i ask for you to stuff parsley down my socks??? i think not... now shoo... before i grate you... ungrateful cabbage.      
  A friend of mine had an English teacher in high school. The class was reading a book that contained incest, and the popular reaction to its first appearance in the literary work was "eew."  At this point the teacher became extremely indignant, and began to defend the value of incest as a cultural practice and expression of love that should be accepted as an alternative lifestyle. He was really irate.  Does anyone else find this disturbing?  
  I was reading through here and saw someone say "it's all fun and games until someone gets peed on."  I think that's when the real fun starts.  
  It hurts to look at her, so painfully is she standing there, her arms wrapped around herself and discontent leaking out of every pore. She looks like a 13-year-old version of Heather Locklear, and she could be beautiful one day. For now she is too-heavily made up, slouching over her budding breasts while wearing a shirt strategically unbuttoned to show what she's got, and if she wasn't too skinny to have any ass at all, it'd be hanging out of her shorts.  I watch her, knowing that it's that age, and it's a horrible time. But I see her frown and the too-cool-to-have-fun attitude and I can't help myself from thinking,  "You don't know depression. You don't know what it's like to only get out of bed to eat and on a daily basis to seriously consider that even that is not worth it. You don't know what it's like thinking about all the things that will go on without you after you kill yourself. So snap out of this teen angsty bullshit, stop dressing like a little whore and hating yourself, stop starving yourself, stop buying into all the popular girl drama, put a smile on your face and try to have fun. Enjoy being a kid while you still can!"  This is summer camp, for Christ's sake. Not Melrose Place.  
  Standing in the Superstore bathroom. Looking into the urinal. Needing to piss.  In black pastel or something, there is writing in it.  "I'm watching you from the toilet stall."  I zipped up and left without doing my business.  
  I was a teenager, at a teenage party. Me and my girlfriend took off to her room, which was actually a sunporch, joined to the next sunroom by a little window.  So, I'm on top, pumping away, when inspiration hits - "stick your finger up my arse" I say.  From the little window the whole party cracks up laughing.  "At least I'm getting some you wankers!"  Years later I bring it up (I have this thing about embarrassing stories - if it makes the listener squirm, that's great, if it makes me squirm, even better) - "Remember that time when you were all virgins listening to me and Selk fucking and I told her to stick her finger up my arse?"  No one remembered but me... Just think about that when reliving your most embarrassing moments - you're the only one who cares...  
  i like anal sex. with enough lube and done the right way, it's pretty enjoyable. but i don't like putting stuff in my ass when i masturbate. i think it's cause i feel like i'm pooping if i have to push it out myself.   
  over the general din of the breakfast you hear the two of them attempting to argue in quiet in a public place the urgency of the whispers alone made everyone in the joint so quiet you could hear a pin drop as each ear strained to catch the dirt on the two tradgically hipsters she gets up and flings her coat over her shoulder as she starts moving toward the door in a precise fuckyou dance  he grabs the coat entreating her to stay with more force than would denote a plea for mercy and she spins plants her feet and punches him in the mouth sending his two hundred dollar non script sunglasses fying into my mushroomonion omlet he swivels on the stool and hits the floor after accidentally sweeping the counter of his breakfast the place erupts in laughter people are so cruel        
  My two year old sister came into my room demanding: "Cock."  I asked her what it was she wanted, hoping that I had heard her wrong, but she repeated exactly what she said the first time.  I laughed a little, but was shocked and appalled, wondering were she could've heard such language.  I started asking her if she wanted other things that begin with the letter c, other than cock, to see what she was actually trying to ask me for.  She said yes when I asked her if she wanted "cars," the little toy cars on the floor in the room.  We played with them for a while, I was the little van, she was a little yellow car.  I started chasing after her car with a toy crocodile, and she shrieked no.  "Here comes the fire truck, to save the day!" chimed my five year little brother.  He reached for the fire truck and I say a purple watch around his wrist, he had called it a "clock" earlier.  My little sister pointed to it and said: "Cock!  Want cock!"  "Clock." I said, "Say Clock."  "Clock!"  Just then, a fire truck unorthodoxly saved the day, by hammering the giant crocodile from the sky.  'Wow,' I thought, this all seemed like a great allegory at the time, truly symbollic about communicating with children, and how one little letter can cause distress and confusion.  She pointed to the watch as he grated the fire truck against the reptile's face, looked at me and shouted:  "Cock!  Cock!"  
  *Seen a sign in the park in the country*  "Please do not moleste the animals."  
  My pet hampster really seemed to enjoy running counter-clockwise as  the turntable spun. Always 33-1/3 NEVER 45 RPM's!!! I thought my sister was watching, she thought I was. An hour later we found our pet...her leg wedged underneath the spinning disk of hell. I still feel bad for maiming that hampster fifteen years later!         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Back in the fraternity days we had a communal shower.  Usually everyone would leave their shampoo in there, but there was this one turd who never shared, and regularly stole from everyone else's bottles.  We removed all the bottles, except one, which we filled with grease from the deep frier.  I don't think I've ever laughed as hard seeing the turd come out of the shower with stringy ringlets of hair hanging down in his face.  
  I masterbate in my office during my lunch hour.  I work in a courthouse.  Hows that for justice, baby.  
  catching the bus home after the reconciliation march in Perth WA (reconciliation, by the way, is such an innapropriate word for it - I mean we arrived here and immediatly began killing the local tribes - what's to reconcile when you were never friends in the first place? But it was a great march and gods bless the Aboriginals).  Me and my girlfriend are sat in the seat just behind the back door. I noticed this middle aged scruffy man giving me the evils - and then he gets up and shoves his face in mine and begins calling me every type of fucking cunt under the sun. He was really worked up and obviously was looking for someone to beat the shit out of him - so the bus stops, the door opens, I jump up, say "let's do this outside man".  he goes to the door, I push him out, yell "thanks" to the driver, the door closes, and the silly bastard curses me and bashes at the window as we pull out.  I look around and all the pretty girls are smiling at me.  
  i went to kinko's and made a color copy of my ass clothed. i  then, being a photo expert, blew it up to a realy big size. i put it up in school and to my shock my friend said "hey isn't that yours?" i never talked to him again.  
  I guess the day I grew up was the day I realized all my teachers don't sleep at the school.  
   Getting Too Chatty  Leaving the US Embassy in London, with my travel paperwork finally in order, I stop to chat with a couple of (normally unarmed) London Bobbies carrying assault rifles, with their fingers firmly on the triggers. Me: "You know? Even more than watching the towers fall, seeing you guys carrying those things brings it home to me that the world has really changed." Bobby, sorrowfully: "You're right. We hate carrying them, but the world has indeed changed." Me: "But I can't help noticing -- sure, there is the razor fence, and those concrete blocks that are placed close enough to stop a car from getting through, but what if somebody loaded one of those narrow 3-wheel disabled vehicles with semtex and just gunned it? They'd fly right through a window..." I still got out of there in time to catch my plane, but there was a slight delay...  
  1/8/04  I wear a lab coat at work, the kind with slits in the sides so you can slip your hand in and grab something out of your pants pocket without having to unbutton the coat.  And I work in a deserted lab in a hardly used corner of the building.  Most of the time no one bothers me unless they have a question.  So anyway, lately  I have become addicted to masturbating on the clock.  Usually I'll look at some internet porn on my laptop to get me going.  Then when I'm really hard I slip my hand into those oh-so-convenient pocket access slits on the side of my lab coat, unzip my pants, and wank it right there, at work.  It's awesome.  Best of all, when I'm sitting there you can't tell my hand is on my cock.  With the lab coat covering everything it just looks like I've got my hand in my pants pocket.    Last week I was right in the middle of coming, the waves washing over me, come spurting into my underwear, when my boss walked in to ask me something.    Luckily since she came in from the front door there was no way she could've seen the computer screen, or she would've seen the internet explorer window (on which was a voluptuous honey jacking a guy off into her mouth).   Anyway, I managed to answer the question to her satisfaction, but she had to have suspected something was up.    "You look flushed," my boss told me told me.  "Are you feeling ok?"  "Yeah," I told her.  "I feel just GREAT."  She left, and that was that, until I jacked off again a couple hours later thinking about almost getting caught and how hard my boss's nipples were when she walked into the room.  I don't know if there's a moral to this story, but I do know that masturbating at work really improves my productivity and relieves stress.    
  "you can't have children," my mother said. we were standing in the crib aisle at Toys-R-Us, killing time before a movie. "you can't have children because I refuse to get them plastic furniture."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  A friend invited me to his parents cookout.  I didn't know his parents all that well, so I made him promise me he would be there.  He didn't even show up.  I had a great time and left cordially.  Then I went home, took a crap on a plate, covered it in tin foil and went to his house.  I left it on the front seat of his car with a note saying: "Sorry you missed the cookout, here's some of the leftovers".  It baked in the sun all day.  He never said anything about it to me.  
  I wonder how many teenage boys dream about LaDeeFrickinDa when they sleep.   Come to think of it, I wonder how many dream about me.  Not as many as LaDee, I'm sure.  Maybe my purpose in life is to stimulate teenagers vicariously.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It is my firm belief that anyone who is inconsiderate enough to walk around on crowded city streets carrying one of those !@#$% mondo 10-seater umbrellas deserves to be violated with their own implement and left to shamefully wallow in a puddle.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just read a headline in the mainichi daily news (japanese-english) that said "bottom falls out of schoolgirl panty market".  
  "Two Red Dog Talls," the man said, fishing in his front pocket for a few crumpled dollar bills. The grocer plunged his hands into the ice, taking out two tall, perspiring cans and placing them both in one brown paper bag. The bag bulged awkwardly. Money and beer were exchanged, and the man ran off to fetch his train.  "Ha-nesssss," the grocer yelled, scanning the front of the store.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "What did the teacher say?" She whispers.  I meant to say "Maybe if you'd shut the fuck up for half a minute you wouldn't have to ask, you egotistical self centered bitch!"  But I actually said "Pg. 193"  
  So, love in the biblical sense is sex, right?  So, according to the ten commandents, we're supposed to fuck our neighbors?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I showered yesterday I pondered the appropriateness of using conditioner on my pubes. Why can't they be soft and manageable too?  
  Grocery clerk entry #9:  Yesterday, the biggest, meanest looking man I have ever seen in my life came through my register line.  Easily a bouncer, bodyguard or professional wrestler.  Six and a half feet tall, 300 lbs, head totally shaved except for a goattee, tattoos of bulldogs on each shoulder.  He bought 10 packages of cat treats.  Funny, I would have never pegged him as a cat person.  
  Was at a house party in my college days.  Sitting in the basement with a buddy and an Australian exchange student.  Knowing the professed drinking ability of Austrailians, we decide to teach the little freshman a lesson and get him totally fucked up.  He ends up making a scene and is asked to leave.  The live band (who own the house) start up in the backyard and everyone shuffles up there following the keg.  My buddy and I stay behind, sip our drinks, finish our smokes and are about to head upstarirs when the little Australian guy comes back downstairs.  He proceeds to drop his pants, mount the couch and shit all about it, smearing it as he goes.  "That'll teach 'em" he says.  About right I figure  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend Andy lives in front of a golf course. When we were in highschool, he used to have sleepover parties (this was like, 9/10th grade). Anyway... we'd drink as much liquid as we could all night. Like... coke after coke after coke after coke. Sometimes liquor but he was a pansy so not too often.  Anyway... we would drink until we were about to die of kidney failure. Then we would go out to the golf course and piss piss piss piss piss. We would cover that place with piss. Sometimes we would also piss on Andy's neighbours car.   One time, however, we decided to take it a step farther. So we pooped in the golf holes... just filled them with shit.  Then we went on a rampage of the city that probably damaged $2-3000 worth of private property. But that's a different story.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          (Two separate moments here)   I apply to join the Edinburgh Police.  Get to the exam late.  Place full of  scary marginal-looking specimens.  I scan over the exam, and get puzzled.  I remember one sample:  "Cirrus hostess lake ...   Replace the wrong word in each of these sentences with the correct word from the above list.   1) A hostage is a woman who entertains people at parties.  2) A Syrian cloud floats in a thin layer, high up.  3) ..."  I finished the exam early, and went to give the sergeant my name, address etc.  He scans over my paper, asks how I thought I did.  I say: "I  thought  I did well..."  He: "Oh, you did.  How many do you think will pass?"  I look around. "17?"  He: "More like 3 -- this is their last stop before the enlist in the Army."  -------------   Months go by, I don't hear from them.  I drop in one day to find out what happened to my application.  Cop says results were sent out the next week.  He shows me the record, and I notice the address they sent it to is  not  one I gave them.  I didn't give them that address because it got busted just before I applied. Suspicious ...  Me: "What did the letter say?"  Cop: "Eh, rejected. Medical grounds"  Me: "What!?"  He looks at me, and asks: "Do you want to know what it says, or what it means?"  Me: "What it means."  He: "Long hair and bad company.  next! "     
  so i was wandering around the mall, and i tried to ask a question to the woman running the beanie babie display, but she was busy filling the grab bags, with a huge sign above them, that read: "Don't squeeze the grab bags!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't begin to count how many times I've said "wrong hole" during sex.    
  So my dad finds my Marshal Mathers LP cd and, of course, listens to it to see if there is anything "bad" on it.  Then he is giving me a lecture on how horribly profane the cd is.  I guess he listened to every track because he says (in a pissed off tone), "There was a man administering fellacio on another man!" I just about shit a brick and died laughing.  "Keep it together...keep it together... try to not be a little shit for once in your life."    I cracked a fucking smile and he lost it....  
  empress:you are a nasty, vindictive, prick. pop13:are you moving out or am i  
  "Two Sierra's?" "You have anything lighter? Like Michelobe?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "There is way too much pornography on the internet, I am trying to put an end to it by downloading all of it."    
  Bunch of guys driving around one night looking for small scale trouble. Come to a light and see this black chick picking her nose in the next car. We all start picking ours and honk so she can see us. She gets really pissed and gives us the finger and yells some shit.  Naturally we feel justified in whipping a dozen or so eggs at her at point blank range.  
  Tequila is perfectly fine.  Except when taken internally.  
  I saw a bottle of Maker's Mark whisky on the shelf for the first time yesterday.    My first thought:  "So THAT is what sorry_e_e was talking about."  Sigh.   
        gah.  i read of you amateurs.... a spit layden payphone.  wow.  now...let me tell you a little story.  it all starts with a girl and her fecal fetish...  now this certain girl has performed these habitual stunts numerous times... but i recall a certain thanksgiving in new windsor illinois...on a walk with her friend.  now she just happened to have a baggie in her pocket...so...naturally when nature called she simply fecalitated in a ditch (yes...it was dark out...)  after walking about town smearing it on many door handles....she reached the town payphone which she sloppily plopped some crap on the ear, mouth and finger dial parts.  now...i would've liked to see the look on THAT person's face when they tried to call dear aunt ruth...   ha.  ha.   
  I sent this fake love note email to a lonely girl in the next cube at work. I signed it something like hunk@2hot.com -- she totally fell for it and when noone returned her desperate emails I heard her call information then call the 800 number and was harassing their poor receptionist.  It was a hot sauce company.  
  We get a group of 24 college students to goto a Dennis Miller Show. The pre-show host for the taping really made a point to welcome our huge group of 24 from Long Beach.  After a brief intro, he said "So where are you all from anyway? LA?" to which we of course responded rather boldly and in unison:  "LONG BEACH"  He threw another few questions our way, every answer in unison from us.  "What the hell is this, the glee club or something? Jesus!" he replied.   We yelled and jeered and clapped and whooped repeatedly.  "Yeah, I can smell the liquor from here."  
  I'm fucking drunk so I really shouldn't be writing this right now. I just got back from a bar where I was hoping to run into this guy that I'm seeing.  See, he is seeing other people  and that's cool I guess. He's not cheating on anyone because he's just doing the whole dating thing.  Anyway he wasn't there but this other guy was.  This poor other guy thinks that we are going to be together or something. But the whole time I was making out with him in his truck, both our pants down kissing and what not(no intercourse though  thank god!!!) all I could do was think about this first guy and how I wish it had been him. Just by the kisses we have shared I know he would have satisfied me much more than this 28 year old who was really jumping the gun. I mean why do guys get to cum so fast?! It can take me hours to get off sometimes! It's not fucking fair!  The other guy and I got along really well, and he was cute, but the only reason I let him touch me was because guy number one(the guy I really want) is taking things painfully slow. Had it have been him I would have gone all the way. Basically I used guy number two to relieve the sexual tention I was feeling about guy number one and It didn't even work. So now I feel like a slut and I didn't even get off because it wasn't guy number one. Damn if I'll do that again.  I think I'll be patient with guy number one and HOPE he comes around. I'd rather be amorous than have guy number one think I'm a slut.  It's really only him that I want.  Fuck I'm Dumb(and Drunk).  Oh yeah, and guy number two expects me to call him when I wake up. Yeah right.  
  she said indignantly you have no idea what it is like to be me do you you havent the faintest clue he interupted yelling no i wouldnt know what its like to be drop trou ho and wag my puss in front of any slob that gave me the time of day hoping to get boned asap before my boyfriend quoteunquote found out you are right loud enough for the whole place to hear and to make every conversation cease crickets chirping painful silence she boiled over and ran crying he smirked the smirk of the upperhanded         
    Am I the only one who thinks that sorry_e_e@hotmail.com needs to get a life?   Turning this into therapy is way too heavy.    You would think that the odds of seeing 5 low brow moments in a row by the same guy is the statistical equivalent of renting the same car on two seperate occassions.  Apparently not.  I hope he reads this and has another low brow that really is much better than the rest, so he'll share it with us.     
  We all huddled around the campfire, eating fireball marshmallows and laughing at Jimmy, who was drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade.  What a pansy.  Of course, none of them knew that I had just shit my pants.  Not yet.  But I figured that I would slowly edge out Jimmy in pansyness if this secret came out into the open.  So I quietly excused myself.  
  it started with my old roommate Rick, whom i found drinking so-co one afternoon, upon my arrival home from work. In the space of one hour, We had polished off the gallon bottle and called our girls, drunkenly demanding that they take us out for more booze at a local club. They amazingly showed up wearing disgusted expressions, as if to say 'you hapless GOONS", but put us in one of their cars, and off we went.We drank nearly a bottle of wild turkey and many pitchers of beer before deciding the nachos looked REALLY good, after the consumption of which i promptly passed out at the table, my dangling cigarette, crazy and crooked, a badge of my own assholery.  When I woke up some time later, i immediately knew i was going to be very, very sick. I ran to the bathroom and immediately upon entry began vomiting like a befouled sprinkler-on floor, on toilet, on sink, on walls-you name it.  In my drunken idiocy, i then attempted to get a paper towel from the machine on the wall. I couldn't get one out after, like three minutes of trying, and i developed booze rage and just gave an almighty yank, tearing the whole machine off its mooring, sending it whizzing by my own head into the wall behind me before clattering to the floor. Upon closer inspection, i learned that it was one of those deals where they have a cloth towel on a roller, and that the towel was not supposed to come out of the machine.  after cleaning off my face, but leaving my puke and the remains of the towel dispenser in a heap behind me on the floor and toilet, I headed for the shithouse door, and found-no shit- a line of at least 6 women, waiting to use this, i have since learned, Ladies' room that i had just destroyed like i was john belushi in animal house. I looked down on the floor and walked by the girls as if nothing was wrong. Then I got rick and the chicks and we split, but not be fore i managed to fall down the stairs, while leaving the club. ahhh, life's rich pageant!   
  a simple equation stand up slap plus stand up slap plus stand up slap equals stand up the fuck you dance and a breaking of that hand that did all the slapping         
  i once had sex in a van painted with a detailed 'wizard, castle and beach' airbrush scene, with an afro-sporting white boy.  led zepplin was blaring.  empty bottles of schlitz malt liquor.  the interior was plush with burgandy velvet.  1974?  no, this happened 2 years ago.  
  When I am drinking, I - often as not - lose my tact long before my equilibrium; this is something new for me, and a cause for concern I am sure. Time was I would get toasted slowly over the course of the evening never dropping out of control unless it was in the final moments when everyone around me was calling it a night and going home with whomever they had arrived or whomever they might have just seduced. There were those who were - at those times - in a state of panic; half-mad with the realization that they would be going home alone.  Again. I was one of that kind, and at the time I thought that it didn't bother me, which gave me an advantage because while I was at the very least half insane, I was aware of the fact and could enjoy the ride wherever it might take me. I thought that I could keep a handle on things and that, maybe, was my mistake.  Lonliness has a way of creeping up on you while you are mesmerized by the fuzzy yellow-brown glow of the beer foam and the diamond-sharp glints of light off the shot glasses.  The lively-dull conversations around you soften and fade strangely into the distance until they become a quiet, pulsing hum rocking you gently from side to side punctuated occasionally by the tinny baritone of the television.  You put down your drink and realize that you can't breathe; that you're suffocating, surrounded by glassy-eyed mannequins of foam-rubber; smiling idiotically at their own private amusements.  Everything becomes artificial and you're jolted by waves of paranoia and desparation. You realize that even if you could score the redhead at the end of the bar, you''d wake up and find that you'd slept with a PVC blow-up doll and you'd spend the morning pacing, irritated, waiting, wishing that she'd hurry up and get the hell out of your bathroom and just leave. And you'd still be alone.  This never used to happen to me.  I'd be in a bar, spend the evening getting quietly fucked-up in a dark corner booth talking to no one, and then go home alone - drunk and happy - and pass-out. I'd wake up early and still be mildly intoxicated which was like getting a freebie.  Those days were the best. But now they are gone. Now there's that paranoia and rushed feeling to find someone, anyone, and drag them somewhere, anywhere, else. I'd be fine until I was well drunk, and then I'd start talking to a woman which would start well, but I would lose my sense and inevitably, unintentionally, be graceless and turn slightly nasty or mean and say something insulting. I never meant it that way; that's just how it would come out.  The smile would fade and she would begin that slow turn towards her other side and some other man with whom she would probably, ultimately, be going home.  This began to happen frequently enough that I took notice and realized that it wasn't mere coincidence; that it _did_ have something to do with me after all. I'd already noticed that alcohol no longer affected me the same, and now did stranger, slightly evil things to me.  Time was I could drink all hours and be just fine until the end when I was alone at home where I would puke and pass-out, waking up the next morning without a trace of hangover.  I would get up, drink a coffee, and go.  Not any more. Now I vomit early and often. Drink for two hours and toss them somewhere, then continue drinking. Not too economical, you see.  I used to come across very friendly and almost blissful while drinking; now I frighten some people and they tell me that I am a bitter drunk, which is strange becuase I haven't gone off on a crying jag  in over two years.   It finally came to the point where I was only safe drinking alone locked in a room somewhere. Only then could I be sure that when I woke up all my friends would still be friends and I hadn't done some irrevocable damage to anyone's relationships, jobs, or living arrangements - including my own.  In any case, however, my immediate environment was always at risk; especially if I'd gone off on a binge of fear-impacted telephone calls wherein I dialed up anyone whose number I could find and beg them to give me a reason to live. If no accetable answer followed, I would rage. Hard. Upon waking, I'd experience serendipitous discoveries of broken bottles and household items that had been destroyed by one of my more expressive moments during inebriation. Those days ended when I awoke to find the telephone murdered, sticking half out of an angry-looking hole in the kitchen wall.    "What are you, a philosopher or somethin'?"  "No, I'm just a drunk."  "Same shit."     
  In the elevator, nine guys and a pizza. They push button #3.  When the elevator stuck halfway between floors 1 and 2, I had a video camera.   
  You read all about the run-ins people have with poop on this site.  "I pooped while screwing this hot bitch..."  OR the classic...  "I meant to fart but instead i shit all over myself."  My poop encounter...  I thought i had a wedgie so i make sure no is around reach under the pants and on top of the boxers and try to work things out manually. I get a hold of the irritation, but its no wedgie...no, its a dime size chunk of poop caught in the tangles of my ass hair. Horror, shock, and curiosity just to name a few of the many states that well up in my head.   Now its lowbrow enough to talk about one's ass hair and poop caught in the tanlges of it but i think i took it to the next next level when i went to bathroom and pulled that son of bitch out with my bare hands...and yeah, i smelled it too.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Quoted moment: An e-mail from cheerleader@yercrotch (Hi, sweetie!):  I think LaDeeFrickingDa and and I should start a band. We could call it the Vengengeful Vaginas  My reply: I want to start a band called The Drunken Moiles.  
   the quote is i met brian setzer in a bar in massapequa hes from massapequa or massapequa park you know his bouncers were the biggest assholes and no one in the bar even said hello to him it was sad  and is commonly attributed to oscar from lemoyne        
  I hate cutting my nose hairs. I would rather pluck them instead. Sneezing feels really good. I swear I think I'm going to pop something.  
  I often masturbate before I go to sleep, and I cum on paper tissues which I place under my mattress. Sometimes my mother finds them and throws them in the toilet. I hope she thinks I blow my nose on them...  
  jerking off on the internet is so impersonal.  i kind of miss that mad flurry of magazine, wallet and cash that unfurled whenever i bought my porn from the cornershop. it was definitely the closest thing to exercise that i got.  sometimes, when i was really depressed and couldn't bear to look the shopkeeper in the face as i bought a copy of "Mayfair" or "Club International", i would hide it in a broadsheet newspaper. so i would leave the shop looking like an intellectual.  technology will be the death of us all.  
  One of my Microsoft products with a built in spell checker recently informed me that there is no one word "douchebag," it is indeed two words, "douche bag."  
  I was sitting around on my break at work. One of the new girls started talking about here other job at a nursing home. The conversation turned to caregivers, when one of the ladies proclaimed " I would never wipe someone else's ass." I turned to her and said, " Well damn, That just blows my fantasies all to hell."  
  I took an enormous shit the other day.    I peered at the toilet paper, and him and I both knew it was going to be dangerous waters when I had finished.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A six hour ride between Seattle and Portland became a nightmare in a mere ten minutes.  "Hi." he said as I sat down next to him.   "You know... you probably have hookworms.  I am a representative of The Awareness Corporation, have you ever heard of us?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Left in the shoe store after closing, I put all of the wing-tips I could find onto my small woman-feet, hoping to get some insight into what the men who wear them might think about. Clop Clop Clop... They're stiff, tight and only seem indestructable.  
  "Two Red Dog Talls," the man said, fishing in his front pocket for a few crumpled dollar bills. The grocer plunged his hands into the ice, taking out two tall, perspiring cans and placing them both in one brown paper bag. The bag bulged awkwardly. Money and beer were exchanged, and the man ran off to fetch his train.  "Ha-nesssss," the grocer yelled, scanning the front of the store.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  I am an American of Chinese descent.  Please do not call me Chinese.  I do not like Chinese food.  NY Jews eat more Chinese food than I do.  I have never been to China.  I dated a Chinese woman for the first time at age 32.  When I ask "real" Chinese to please speak English, they give me dirty looks.  I have a cousin who hates NYC cuz there are too many chinese there.  Yes, she is also an American of Chinese descent       
  The other day I was at a friend's house, reading my favourite motorcycle website.   I had come across a thread earlier about someone getting hit from behind while waiting at a red light, and was waiting for the pictures to show up.  I checked the thread, and to my delight there were photos of the wrecked bike.  "Sweet," I exclaimed, "pictures!"  My friend and his fiancee were playing Halo and looked up for an explanation for my outburst.  I turned to them and said, "Oh, someone got stuffed up the rear."  
  A dream I had: In a girls house whom I'm very interested in. She turns to me, in a bathrobe. She slowly lowers it, showing off a nice pair of under garments. She then says, "If you leave now, you'll never get any of this." To which I replied, "Oh, that's no problem, I already have a bathrobe." Then I drive away.  I still don't know what to think of that dream, but I do know that's not how it should have gone.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         first time a cop ever hassled me in relation to driving:  i was driving around the beach, looking for a place to park...didnt feel like paying a meter, so i went down some side streets...a song comes on, i crank up my radio about as loud as it can go...i drive out one street, and see a guy running out into the street, flashing some light...my first thought was "some drunk guy coming from one of the bars"...so i slowed & drove around him...he stopped, so i stopped, noticed it was a cop, and got freaked out...i didnt even think to lower my radio til i noticed he was yelling to talk to me...he gave me some bullshit about noise curfews (they start at 10, i was driving around 930) and about how elderly people live here (it's a beach town, in late august, it was all drunk college kids & yuppies)...so he says "i'll let you go with a warning, only because you've only had your license for a few weeks, but this is normally a $200 fine"...i found out later it's really about $25...  the lowbrow part? the song was "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls...  
  i finally gave in and signed up for some free internet e-mail porn pics  now i know what my dad meant when he used to say nothing worth having is free  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate the cat. It produces nothing but puked-up hairballs, shit, and endless piles of shedded fur. It climbs on everything and leaves litterbox crumbs. It knocks random items over in the middle of the night. It yowls for no reason. My husband worships the ground it walks on. Consequently, I am the one who has to discipline it. Now if I walk into the room and look at it, it dashes from the room to hide. Then my husband will say "oh, poor thing, she's just terrified of you. So traumatized!" Fine, mister. Just don't blame me when your peanutbutter jelly sandwich has a little more texture than usual.  And a cat will fit in the microwave, you think I haven't checked that out?  
  One fourth of July, we were drunk and had spent all day at a chil cookoff, so we were sunburnt and loopy from the heat so we went to a lady's house we knew and got really high and she told us we could eat anything we wanted but all she had were matzo crackers, spray cheese and canned mushrooms. So we made sandwiches and watched the firecrackers while the band America (on their big reunion tour) played Horse with No Name in the park.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My boyfriends birthday was yesterday. His mom walked in to his bedroom to find me giving him his birthday present.  
  "God damned twinkies are ruining the country!"  "HoHo's burn in hell."  "God hates M&M's."  If you replace any message of hate with a favorite snack food, you truely hear how ignorant it sounds.    
  I was really disapointed when I realized the "Viking Tour of Norway" they were advertising on the radio was actucally the "Hiking Tour of Norway".  
  two speed freaks were sittin' around?  "hey, man" said one to the other "got any speed?"  "yeah, here, have one" as he  passed a black beauty to his companion.  he grabbed the speeder, bit it  half, and threw the other half away  "hey" said the supplier "don't you know there are people sleeping in India??!!!"  
  I went up to Darmouth College with two things in mind.    1) To visit my friend who is studying there.  2) To fuck with some smart kids.  I would let them think they were smarter and more intelligence because I went to  a community school, and then I would have proven them otherwise.  Too bad I couldn't find any.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once watched TV and drank continuously for several days until my stomach decided it would tolerate no more alcohol. Damned if I was gonna face the night with world-class DTs, I resumed my shot/beer regimen only to puke on the corner of my living room rug from the comfort of my steel and leather recliner. This happened several times over the course of the night until I was sufficiently buzzed.   A few days later I retrieved myself from utter despair and met my current girlfriend. I couldn't bring her home for weeks until the southern-comfort/puke/spic-n-span aroma dissipated. Years later, that foul stench is still there if you get right down and smell it.  
  We're at this crowded movie theatre and my buddy needs to take a whiz.  He goes into the men's room, and after a moment's thought, I realize that I have to go, too.  So I walk in and see that all the urinals are full, except for the one next to my bud.  Anyway, I walk up to the empty urina and unzip my fly.  Of course, being a guy in a public restroom, my bud doesn't say anything and just stares straight ahead.  So, in the relative silence of all these guys whizzing, I calmly peer over at my buddy and say admiringly in really loud voice, "NICE WEINER!!!"    
  does anyone else enjoy picking out the deoderant from their pit hair?  
  i once dreamt god was a parot. i started screaming and throwing rocks at him.  thats when jen busted through my door to ask if i wanted to go to the mall with her.  leave it to a chick to fuck up a dream where i couldve killed god.  ugh. fuck! Ill get you someday!  
  I caught my mom, a professional seamstress, altering my dad's pants. I knew he hadn't lost weight, so I asked her what she was doing. She said every few months she takes in a few of his pants and he starts to freak out about his weight problem and stops drinking and takes long walks. It gives her some time off.  Now I know where I get my penchant for pranks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Juju; I absofuckinglutly detest the name.  If I ever change my name I think I would change it to Diogenes because it's hard to say, and even harder to spell.        
  Lowbrow is, truly, the most impressive example I've ever seen of harnessing the unique potential of the Internet.  No, I mean that.  
  Chlamydia Round 1, Part 2  I find out I have chlamydia. I go to the free clinic to pick up the chlamydia medication. They tell me I have to take one every morning and every night, and to be sure to eat before I do. They do not tell me why. I start my first round of meds the next morning and go to work at Blockbuster. (fuck blockbuster).   I forgot to eat.  Flash forward to a half hour later. I'm feeling kinda queasy, and remember that I should have eaten with my clap meds. I quickly shovel a bagel into my mouth during my fifteen.   After my break, I'm on till. I take a twenty from a very nice gentleman customer with one or two kids with him. Then I smile, lean over, and proceed to vomit all over myself and all the way to the bathroom. My manager is waiting for me when I come out.  "Go home Laura."   I have to walk home, as I do not have a car. It's a twenty minute walk down a VERY main street. I make eye contact with everyone who passes by me, smile, and say...  "Hi. I puked on myself!"  Not one of them responds.   One of my finer moments.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I have these girlfriends. By girlfriends I mean women I fuck.  So they come over to my place and we do our nasty deed. When we are finished they want to hop in the shower.  Being a bachelor, I don't have a lot of towels. I have two sets of towels.  My set and the set for the chicks.  I wash mine.  I dry the set they use.  
  I'm not exactly enjoying our neighbours. Sure, I was bad, and threatened to cut off the visiting grandfather's "tiny pecker" if he didn't stop racing up and down the alley with his Oooh-Gaaah horn going, but the cops let me get away with that little slip of etiquette. One morning, I hear them outside in their yard, really loud, screaming at each other. Guy: " I don't want to lose you, you fucking cunt! " Just a bit much to take with my morning cup of tea.  I lean out the window, ready to ask them to pipe down. They're not in their yard. They're inside their house, which is 100 yards away, but I can still hear every last word, and I'll bet their wonderful tiny kids can, too...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I found out I'm allergic to lime juice this weekend. I was mixing drinks with lime, and I turned bright red and splotchy. I felt like my head was going to explode. Then I tried to pass out, but I felt like shit. Never again. I hate limes.  
  Every other day I retrace my steps in that New Jersey Dunkin Donuts 20 years ago. Between what actually happened on the graveyard shift and what I wished would, I must've come 50,000 times.        
  So I'm at work on my lunch, and the people in the break room are watching that Crossing Over show. You know the one. A "psychic" is getting signals from the dead, and passing them on to audiance members. It's vague, and nicely staged to fool, well, stupid people. This made me get up to go to a computer for lowbrow: "I'm getting a sense that someone has a bag of meat, or salami... a ziplock baggie type thing... You, ma'am?" He points out a woman who is no less than 300 pounds. She has a bag of cheese. Way to go buddie, you pointed out the fat chick has food. So am I psychic if I say "I'm detecting homosexuality in San Francisco"?  
  directions for squidding:  1: go to the local seafood store and buy some raw squid. 2: wrap them up in newspaper and put them in the trunk of your car. 3: forget about them for a few days (no more than 3 in the summer) 4: put on some old clothes and take the squid out. 5: have a friend drive into a section of town where a lot of people are standing around (a friend of mine likes streets where prostitutes work. i like trendy cafes) 6: have fun  note: squid can be thrown in a very similar manner to a football. the tentacles actually whirl when thrown correctly, helping the propulsion of the airborne squid  WARNING: the ink in a rotting squid will be released upon impact, and it will stain clothing  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         girlfriend and i are sitting around, smoking and bullshitting. the conversation jumps around... discussions of a pregnant friend turn into me explaining my lack of motivation the past couple days (due to working 14 hours a day) to consummate our love. she says: "oh, don't worry about it... well... how should i say this... i don't want to be gross... let's just say that we're not going to be having a baby." me: "that's good... but you can be gross around me. in fact, i find gross funny. if you rip a hole in the toilet paper, and get shit all over your hand, i want to hear about it." "well, i've never gotten shit on my hand... but... if you want to hear about it, i'll tell you if i ever do." now i wonder if she thinks i have some sort of fecal fetish.  
  So i think pornography ruined my college experience, because durring my senior year of highschool i'd go to visit schools, and i just look around and say to myself "Hey, i don't see any cum-guzzling co-eds anywhere!  What's wrong with this college?"  Now that i'm in college I feel the same way.  I mean, where did the porn industry ever get the idea that college girls are easy?  
  Men...don't lie and say you are 9.5 inches when you are really only 6.  If you think a female can't tell (especially me) the huge difference in that, you are sadly mistaken.  I mean shit, feel free to lie by 1/2 an inch if you need to make yourself feel bigger...but there's no way that 6 is going to look like 9.5.  I actually laughed when he pulled it out...and I didn't feel bad for doing so.  I'd say that's almost asking for it.  
  I used to have this cool T-shirt from a band called "Billygoat". It had a B&W screen print of a Satyr fucking a goat on the front and said, "Fuck more, Bitch less", on the back. I would forget that I was wearing it all the time.  Man the looks people give you at Denny's and Texaco are priceless....  
  pssssssssssssssssssssst pssssssssssssssssssssst pssssssssssssssssssssst it went on like that for a half an hour i walked by the bathroom and my sister is emptying the can of aquanet onto her hair i complain about the smell and the toxins she snidely remarks some crap years later theres an ozone hole i swear she is solely responsible for and her hair is falling out in clumps justice is a patient animal perched but patient        
  I was cleaning out my pipe with the key to my handcuffs  when it occurred to me,  I'm really fucked up.  
  A series of slight missteps that leads to tragedy:  1) Despite the fact that I had a ridiculously important client meeting the next morning I go out drinknig.  2) I had mixed a few glasses with wine with a few beers - a combination that is chaotic on my stomach.    3) I wake up late - nasty hangover shits - I get dressed in a hurry, khaki pants and the like.   4)  As I am parking, with 5 minutes to get upstairs to my meeting - I decide to squeeze out one last fart which turned out to be more of a sizeable liquid projectile, fully equipped with stench and all.  5) As I am quickly attempting to clean myself up in the bathroom with seconds to spare I realize my final tragic misstep.  6) I have one fucked up pair of boxers that has the tag on the front instead of the back.  In my haste I put these on with tag in back, thus wearing them backwards.  Therefore, my shit-stake passed cleanly through the open fly of my backwards boxers.    Khaki pants...foul-ass shit stained clean through...2 minutes to get to my meeting...I had no choice...I had to grin and bare it.   I wish I could say my accident went unnoticed but shortly thereafter I was moved to a position in which I have absolutely no contact with clients or potential clients.  I am suing the manufacturers of those boxers.  They are the ones to blame.    
   Naked --except for the bottle caps covering my pink, delicate nipples   The sun alone sees me Until an old, family friend equipped with a key lets himself in  He looks out the back window  I scream  The bottle caps fly.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever been to Ozzfest?  If you have, you know what a fucking blast it is, and if you havent, you dont know what you are missing.  Well last years Ozzfest was the best time of my life cuz I dont think I had ever been that fucked up in my life.  Black Sabbath had just come out and I was tripping like a motherfucker.  Well, unknown to me, it was raining.  After they finished their set, I looked down and noticed that my shoes were muddy and I was wet.  I looked at my friends and in all honesty I said, "I think I fell in the port-o-potty.  Im covered in shit and piss"  They just laughed at me and didnt bother telling me that it rained until the next morning.  I have the greatest friends in the world.  
  "Have you decided on something?" she asked looking at the menu he wastapping on the counter.  "Give me a Sierra."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Some skanky, young teenage girl with too much makeup and a few too many Bacon Double Cheeseburgers in her stomach came up to me at work this morning before I went off to class and left an application off. I looked it over, and after the name of her high school, she wrote, "I just droped out and am working on gettin my GED."  
  i saw an old lady fall and break her foot once. i ran up to her, and she was yelling 'o lord i broke my foot, i broke my foot, i cant drive, what am i going to do?......my cigarette, o lord i dropped my cigarette, and i cant reach it since i broke my foot' so i gave her a smoke, lit it for her and walked off, sure i could have helped her a little more, but i knew i couldnt hold back the laughter any longer... i laughed so hard walking away i had tears running down my face, once she had that cigarette in her mouth she completely shut up...to this day i swear she faked it to get a free smoke  
  Metamucil is a god-sent to anyone who has ever sweated and strained to try and relieve the unbearable pressure of a constipated digestional tract.  Forget coffee. Forget cigarettes. This is the be-all, end-all of rectal eliminators.  
  I was at one of those take-n-bake pizza places, picking up pizzas for my mom.  counter girl: oooh, vegetarian, huh?  me: uh, yeah.  cg: you know what they say about vegetarian pizzas, don't you?  me: nope  cg: they make your, uh, juices taste good. (wink)  me: I don't know about that.  What time do you get off?  cg: why? (shy, flirtatious smile)  me: cuz I'm about to go home and eat this.  If you're still here, I'll come back  cg: in about an hour...  Man, could she suck dick.  Still didn't like the taste.  I picked up a red-fuckin'-meat hamburger on the way home.  Red-fuckin'-meat does NOT make your juices taste good!  
  Sunday, I put down my cigarettes for the fifth time and said, "No more."  I began chewing the truly horrible gum that claims to be full of nicotine.  Today, two days later, I stood outside and froze my ass off, smoking bummed smokes from co-workers in other departments, because I nearly started a yelling match with my boss.  There should be a warning label on this gum: "Will not keep you from being an unreasonable asshole to your family, friends, and the guy who signs your paycheck."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What most people don't realize is that most of our economy is floating on the black market. Take the street value of an ounce of quality marijuana. It's about $300 an ounce. An ounce of gold is only worth about $320.00.  If the ounce is broken up into quarters or 8ths, as it often is, the actual value of an ounce is also $320.00.  Therefore, the presence of "kind" marijuana sales undermines the supremacy of gold as the monetary standard.  Hmmm, same value as gold, much easier to produce, and much more useful in many respects.  Still wonder why hemp is illegal?  Its one of the few ways remaining for a man to support himself tax free, and earn a profit . . .  
  All I'm asking is that they don't do it tonight. I do NOT I repeat do NOT want to hear my mother, and my step-father fucking. I just don't have a yearning for it.  
  My mom got married today.  Being the "good" son, shitloads of work were dumped on me. And, as usual, I end up doing my bro's work too.  It was pretty damn cool standing on stage as my mother repeated her vows...but by that time, my only desire was to go home, smoke up, and watch the Simpsons.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went on a school camp once.I didn't bring enough underwear, so I wore the same pair most of the time I was there. By the end of the camp they were pretty disgusting - smelly and crusty. On the last night, I realised that if I brought the underwear home, my mother would see it, and we'd have a pretty embarrassing conversation. So I left it in the middle of our bunkroom. The next day, everyone was wondering whose it was, but I don't think they realised it was mine.  
  How cool it would be if I could get a set of custom designed silverware with two tiny naked females entwined and kissing on every handle.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For years after the divorce, I owned a trailer in Texas. Houston, Texas. My son, who was still attending college at U of H. at that time was living with me. He is a geek. I am a geek.  We used to communicate by email; he was in the front room of the trailer and I was in the back room. He said one time, "I'll bet psychiatrists would have a field day with us." Probably.  
  I worked as a cashier in a small video store.  One day a skinny accountant-looking middle aged man comes in and puts a video down on the counter.  The title is clearly legible on the spine: "Buttfucking Freaks."  We're supposed to be discreet about these things, but unfortunately my initial reaction was to laugh so hard that I accidentally sprayed spit on his face.  He looked a little uncomfortable about the whole thing.  
   I can well imagine  that any student of philsophy would find a paper entitled "Meaning in life from a psychological perspective" "not of the logical and organizational caliber (they) are used to."  It's practically a given. But that's just my own snobbery.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Trojan Extended Pleasure "Climax Control" condoms are like rubbing Orajel on your genitals.  Try one and they will control your climax so well you could fuck industrial sanding equipment and still not feel a thing.   
  I work at a pawnshop. (i.e. my job is to give money to heroin addicts and rob people) The other day my manager said, "I just sold a 32" TV." I asked him what was so great about that and he replied "Somebody came in with $100 worth of store credit, so i just upped the price of the TV by $100 and sold it to him, He was happy."  Damn stealing from people and getting paid for it is fun...  
  My sister is 3 years older than me.  She used to have some seriously hot friends.  One of which had an interest in me, or was just a horny chick.  Probably the latter.  She would come to visit my sister, and nonchalantly come up to my room and blow me.  I was 16 at the time, and this girl was 21.  I was Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, the King of the fucking World, was I.  I used to tell my friends about it, and they would never believe me, until we asked her to ride along to the liquor sto' so's she could get us some beverages.  On the way home she gave me a handjob in my buddy's pick up truck.  It was cold out.  I love cold hands on my johnson.    
  In fifth grade we had DARE graduation.  They made us stand up, and with our hands our our hearts, repeat some pledge about never smoking or drinking or doing drugs.   In the back of my mind I was thinking "Yeah right.  I know I'm going to do all of those some day." To this day I haven't met anyone else who knew they weren't going to keep that promise.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife and I work in the same center. One night I made bratwursts for dinner. Real tasty with onions and green peppers. She told me the next day she was in her cube a let off a silent fart. Right about then someone walked in, looked around, and said, "It smells like food or something over here.."  Oh man, we still laugh about that.  
  In grade 8 during gym class we all had to run around the park.  One guy took a long detour through the woods and came back 5 minutes after all of us.  We were all sure he had to take a shit real bad and went behind a tree.  He claimed he was throwing up but we all knew better.  For the rest of the year we called him Forrest Dump.  
  You never make the connections and realize what Taco Bell food actually smells like until you're eating it and reading Lowbrow.  I'll never have a Chalupa again.  
  So I got this book, the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices. Oh man, everyone should own a copy, I have given a few as gifts. One friend refers to it only as "the book." One of my favorite practices described, chocolate mousse. One partner swallows some chocolate pudding and then gets a whipped cream enema. Puke up the pudding, shit the cream on top, the result? "A treat for one or both."  Lowbrow enough for ya?  
  There are several people at the bar.  All standing, slouching or leaning onan appendage.Angry, one man asks for another beer, not getting the attention hedeserves.  Give me a drink he wills the bartenders.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  The television in my room always works with channels 61 and up, 61 being hte important Comedy Central. I have come to love that channel because it is the only one I really like that always comes in. In order to watch channels of a lower number, I have to do a certain pattern...almost like that game...Simon, right? So anyways, I have to start on 61 (Comedy), go to 44 (MTV), then to 45 (VH1), then to 34 (TLC). I'm really lucky if that stays good for a while. THEN I have to start to try to outsmart my TV. I can go to 11 (ABC) and cross my fingers. If it doesn't work, I go back to start. Then, I will stay on 34 for a while until I think it isn't suspecting anything. Once in a while, I catch it off-guard and get ABC, CBS, and FOX. I will sit there until I can get it, instead of walking downstairs to the TV that works on every channel and is almost as tall as the room.  I try to outsmart my TV.  I have no fucking life...or brains for that matter.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i once was in fight with a guy and really beat him badly...as in "put the boots to him" badly...he deserved a beating but i really did a job... and i did it in front of his wife and kid...he was in the hospital for 3 days and the kid must have thought that he was going to fucking die right in front of her... anyway...the story has a happpy ending because after that night I guess he went to AA (after getting out of the hospital) and he does not drink anymore... so I really helped him? glad I could be of help... anyway...his kid will probably need to talk to a doctor about it one day...  
  The diversity group at my service center was selling hot dogs in the breakroom yesterday to raise money for new holiday decorations.  A dollar a dog plus saurkraut and toppings, so I got one and was walking back to my cubicle.  My supervisor, who's also a dyke, walks past me and says, "Oh, you've got a weinie."  If I'd been more awake I would have looked down at my crotch and said, "Great, now I can pee standing up."  
  My last day temping at the Cheaper-Than-Fuck-All Accounting Firm, I randomly shredded documents every chance I got... applications, forms, letters, toilet paper.  Sure, it's all backed up on computer, but let that controlfreak bitch of an office manager work it out later. Me, I'm outta here.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When we were little kids, must have been 9 or 10, we were having a mud fight in the front yard.  After a few minutes it was getting harder to find bnare patches where there was no grass.  Between trying not to get hit and looking for more mud I grabbed what I thought was a handful of mud.  Not mud! Damn dog.  I threw it anyway.   Those were the days.   
  so fatboy the secretaires and the accountants and i are out standing along the building having a smokers break fatboys got the shakes from too much boozing the night before i believe it was long island ice teas he starts a tirade and in the midst of it a pigeon desposits its droppings into his coffee cup he pulls a pregnant pause and is about to breathe new life into his tirade when he starts to motion for a sip of joe i watched everyone there watch him as he was about to sip the cup everyone had seen the dropping everyone knew he was about to drink the excrement of the winged rat i stopped him but i sure as hell wont turn my back on that crew again        
  Then my dad asked me how much a dime bag was thease days. Promptaly after he asked this he reminded me that drugs are bad.  
  i haven't told my girlfriend that i am in therapy.  
  I'm a cashier at food lion.  I steal food stamps.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So who is Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow anyhow?  Legend has it that he is the one who emptied the Rhine in 468 AD.  My granddaddy says he knew good 'ol Leo and that they were in the war together.  The legend of Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow is a mystery to me.  Did he stack pork?  Did he swallow corn?  Was his real name Leo?  Ack! These mysteries doth vex me!  Behold the legend of Leopold Porkstack Cornswallow!  
  I guess i was at a Strip Club down in Frisko. Me and my friends decided to go to Crazy Horse, the most well know strip joint in San Francisco (better than them bacon strips). My freinds decide to pay this stripper about 20 bucks to give me a lap dance. I was like WOOT WOOT. Soon to find out, it wasn't even a lap dance, it was more like an interview. She asked me about my education and all that bs. Then she was like, "So, what do u do?" Being the honest guy that i'am, i respond, " I DO EVERYTHING". She giggles, and was like, "No silly, what do u do for a living?" I humiliatingly respond, "I work at Cosco =(  
  It's 4am again, and I'm bleary-eyed, plotting how to avoid sleep and how I shall waste the many hours that separate me from tomorrow.  My skills at avoiding the inevitable are unparalled.  God, I wish I was drunk.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  The men's room I usually use at work was being cleaned so I have to use the restroom down a floor.  Looking around I say, "where the fuck are the urinals?"  A voice from a stall says, "this is the ladies room."  
  The cab ride was long.  He told me about his time in the Navy, how he'd seen the world.  I told him about going back home and how much I missed the hills and trees.  We both agreed that Florida is an awful place.    So he pulled up in front of the airport and I tipped him nicely.  "Have a nice trip" he said, to which I replied in a fit of absent-minded courtasy, "You too!".  I'm still kicking myself over that one.  
  I am an intern for a large government contractor.  I work in a very small, and very cold windowless server room.  The door has a keypad lock on it, and I am rarely disturbed. This privacy has lent me an air of freedom which i exercise by reading Lowbrow.  Needless to say when the head of our department (my boss' boss' boss) burst through the door with another bigwig, I knew I was in for it. I nailed the power on the monitor, and casually hit alt+f4 a bunch of times before i hit the power again.  I tried to pretend my shivering is from the cold, and not my shock and horror.  I wonder if they bought it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         driving around the neigborhood in the last few weeks, i've seen squirrels crossing the powerlines that intersect the street.  i'd been wondering, do they ever fall ?  do they land on their feet like cats ?  which lead to wondering why i've never seen one dead in the road.  now in the last day and a half i've seen two smashed on asphalt, and watched from my balcony one fall from a tree to the road below, instanly obliterated under tire.  having learned the answer i'm learning to stop asking questions.  
  Nothing gives you the desire to smoke like holding a fresh, unopened package of cigarettes.  
  After not seeing her for 10 years since high school I was puzzled to hear the first words outta her mouth. "Hey, I am a pagan!"  Well, good for you.  "I'm also a lesbian!" she chirped. "And my boyfriend from high school got a sex change so we are still going out! Wanna come over and play D&D with us sometime?"  How do you politely say, "DEAR GOD, NO FUCKING WAY...YOU SPASTIC FREAKS!"  "Gee, sounds great but I got work in the morning."   "Awww, really? When?"  "Uh...every single night. Gotta run. Bye!"  Hey I have no problem with Pagans, or Lesbians, or even D&D players....but all in one package? I felt unclean just having talked to he.   
  The guilt feelings, the anxiety attacks and the sadness just would not go away.  Guess it's one of those Calistoga[tm] and Valium[tm] kinda days.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  ... the love of my life ... sometimes I just want to scream up into the heavens in a "great Expectations-esque" manner and explain to you, how you've effected my life... I want to tell the world how "Everything I've ever done has been for you" how... "you're the only reason I've become the man that I am today." TEN Long years I've been wanting to tell you how i feel, and lately.... I just don't quite feel that way anymore. And now... sitting here reading about the consistency of axiom choice, and continuum hypothesis, all I can think of is how getting away from you will make things better for me .. better for you. Better for US. TEN long years, and I just can't seem to figure out WHY I never said anything to you before. And how I ever managed to let you become the BEST fried I have ever had. highschool's over with, and I can't bribe teachers to assign a seat next to you, College is finished, and the department won't allow me back, and stopping by because I was "just in the neighborhood" isn't cutting it anymore. "what to do .... what to do.???"  I HEAR HAWAII'S NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Note to self: Never puke on ammusment park rides. Even the best of families will hurt you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've actually seen inbred people.  This was when I was working at the Radio Shack in Asscrack, AZ.  This...I guess you'd call it a "couple" ...comes in, looking for a CB antenna (seriously).  The guy was just...bleh, but the woman!   She was trying to ask me a question but couldn't finish it because each time she talked she would belch uncontrollably in my face.    I asked my boss if I could go clean the bathroom.    
  The first day that I found lowbrow.com I read a moment about garden gnomes.  I've been trying for weeks to find that moment again.  Such a happy moment it was.  So full of surprise and joy.  If I had a life, that's how I'd want it to be.  Magical... like that moment about the garden gnomes... perfect in its ability to make me laugh.  
  I used to work at a restaurant as a host and got bored one day.  One Sunday morning I get the brilliant idea to superglue a quarter a dime and a penny to the concrete just outside the entrance.   You wouldn't believe the lengths people will go to for 36 cents.  You also wouldn't believe how many people lack a sense of humor...  Needless to say, I don't work there anymore.     
  My exgirlfriend had some stomach problem she was never too specific about. But nonetheless she sure loooooved food, though she certainly wasn't fat.  I remember one time in particular she was like rocking back and forth in her chair and giggling like an idiot while eating a lot of food. I was amazed by how much she could pack down. After I left I realized I'd left my jacket at her house and returned to pick it up...she was sprawled out on her stairs moaning and groaning in agonizing pain, barely able to move, about to slip into unconsciousness.   She did this to herself many times...at the time I felt pity and sorrow, but now I laugh about it. She really turned into a bitch later on.  
  driving around wal-mart, as said to my friend, "i wish my legs didn't work, so i could get a good spot." him: "JESUS CHRIST DUDE, thats fucked up." me: "oh, like i never said that shit before."  
  i'm 22. i just moved back in with my mom. I'm in my 3rd year at a 2yr school. i haven't had a job in 6 months. yesterday i paid for my cigarettes with quaters.   
  Some Lowbrow moments from where I work today:  Read Maxim cover to cover whilst sitting on my dead ass. Thought that when I opened a soda and the cap said 'Please Play Again' that it summed up my life thus far pretty well. Ate a booger. Ate another booger that turned out to be a scab, which made my nose bleed. Pissed in a plant. Farted as loud as I damned well pleased.  Working in the Lawn and Garden Department at Target is boring as shit, but it gets me through.  
  it was christmas day and it was cold outside, so i went to the local supermarket to buy wood only to find out they were closed. all the firewood is kept outside so the logical thing to do was help myself...oops. someone called the police and i was arrested for stealing. a call my parents they will never forget for it was there idea....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Understanding The Concept:  Bill Graham, introducing B. B. King at the Fillmore West in 1968: "Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the chairman of the board, B. B. King."  Not Understanding The Concept:  M.C. in Chicago, 1966: "O.K., folks, time to pull out your chitlins and your collard greens, your pigs' feet and your watermelons, because here is B. B. King."    
  Anyone can be a pothead Anyone (with a little practice) can be a GOOD pothead It takes a special type of person to smoke every day for 10+ years with no noticeable loss of mental function to hold down a decent job to still have passion for life to still have ambitions and goals to still have a sex drive to still be able to put together coherent sentences. to not say duuuuuude every 5th word.  I think it may be my husband's only true talent.  I love that guy.  
  My girlfriend says that she thinks that sexual acts that involve the ass are gross.  I tell her that I agree.  I dont really agree though.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Tonight, i was bored.. so i decided to randomly follow a car.  I stayed back fairly far, and i thought that the person in the car hadnt seen me. But then i got bored and started to go home... i was half way back home when i got pulled over by the police... turns out the person saw the car... and the plate when i turned around.. damn streetlights... but i got out of it... i pretended that i was lost... and got a police escort to the main road.. it was fun.        
  i was with my girlfriend the other day, i completely ran out of things to say, so i put my hand down her pants.  
  From another moment:  My roomie had a broken leg. I went to pick him up at school and parked in the handicapped spot to get his wheelchair in the car. A van pulled up into the spot next to mine and HALF A MAN hopped out.  Oops. Been there. Done that, too. I take real offense at the number of handicapped parking spots they have in this guilt-ridden country. Sixteen! In front of a supermarket? Get real. I'm dropping off a few (20 or 30) cases of empties, and don't want to walk far. so I take one of the precious spots. As I'm filling a cart with empties, a guy parks in the next row over, and walks towards the store. At about 1/10 mile/hour, which is the best he can do. I can also see it hurts a lot for him to walk. As he slowly goes by me, he smiles and wishes me a nice day. Bastard. That was  much  more effective than bitching at me...  
  I posted a moment on Lowbrow long ago. Came back yesterday and started reading. Saw JaneBondage007's comment about how some guy named OingoBoingo didn't post his real address.  Got excited. "Shit, that's me! A chick wanted to talk to me!"  Calmed down. Realized I couldn't remember if OingoBoingo was one of the dozens of names I've used on the 'net, or just a really cool nick that I liked and wished I'd thought of first.  Began hitting Reload. After forty-five minutes, I found my moment. The name I used wasn't OingoBoingo. Couldn't remember if I posted a second moment or not. Still don't know if I'm OingoBoingo. Sorta doubt it.  Finally, as I drifted off to sleep last night, I realized I had been thrilled by the mere possibility that a person who may or may not have been female might have wanted to send me a lousy fucking e-mail.  It's been four years since I broke up with my last girlfriend. I think it's starting to show.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               Working at a local bookstore, I once asked a man if he would like a bag to put his books in. He replied: " no, my wife is over there."  ha ha   
  When I cough, there's always a little white-green globule of fairly solid mucous that flies out from the back of my throat.   How can I clean off my monitor?  
  A message from the Fashion Guru to all you teenie-boppers out there:  Glitter is _NOT_ Glamorous.  
  I was eating my girls pussy one time when she looked down and said that from her vantage point I looked like Gabe Kaplan from "welcom back kotter". You know, the whole fuzzy moustache thing.  
  i got to go the the old globe theater last weekend.  it was the first play i had ever attended.  at one point during the preformance, the veluptious leading actress was required to take off her shirt.  i heard someone go heheheheheh to themselfs, and then realized it was me.  i got some pretty mean looks from the rest of the patrons for the rest of the night.  i guess my kind just wasn't meant for the theature.         
  a dyed blond once said to me "im not stupid, im not even blond" hmmmmmm?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The best way to break up with someone?  Well, there's really no good way - the other person is definitely going to get hurt, no matter what, and it's not gonna be any fun for you, either.  So, I've found that the phone is pretty good, but email is really the best.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In Clarksburg, WV, there is  a dealership named Harry Green Chevrolet.  Last year at the fair, I saw a chia truck.      
   Who Is He?  I finally have a woman who just out-and-out loves me. Security in a relationship is a rare thing, and twice as sweet. Months go by with me basking in her glow. We walk along the street, hand-in-hand. Pass some guy who gives me an odd look. Weird, I think, and shrug it off.  I turn to say something amusing to my sweetie, and her eyes are everywhere, anywhere, but on mine. I quickly turn my head, already knowing the guy is looking back. I stop, keeping hold of her hand, and walk back. He looks a little scared, but stands firm. She looks like she's ready to faint. I reach for his hand, place her hand in it, and walk away without a word ever being spoken. Life imitating art? Sure, but this was years before I heard Bill Withers' "Who Is He (And What Is He To You)," i.e.:  A man we passed just tried to stare me down And when I looked at you you looked at the ground I don't know who he is but I think that you do Dag gummit Who is he and what is he to you? Something in my heart and in your eyes Tells me he's not someone just passin' by And when you cleared your throat was that your cue? Dag gummit Who is he and what is he to you? Now when I add the sum of you and me I get confused and I keep coming up with three You're too much for one but not enough for two Dag gummit Who is he and what is he to you? Now you think I'm one not much for intuition Lord is that what you really think or are you wishin' Before you wreck your old home be certain of the new  Dag gummit Who is he and what is he to you?   
  I asked, "Would it scare you if I told you that I love you?"  She answered, "No, it would scare me if you told me that you were going to dismember me with a bone saw, though."  Ah, romance.   
  Someone else's moment about a misprinted golf course phone number reminded me about my time as a receptionist in college.  The second line was one digit off from the medical center's "Call to Find Out if the rabbit Died" phone number.  When it rang I would answer with a mere, "Hello."  After they got out any statement I would say, Yes, you are pregnant."  After a moment I would add, "Today, everybody is prenant. Wmuhahaha."  
  The one day I wore a white suit to work:   It was left over from my disco days. My intern had complained that I never wore anything but ultra-conservative outfits. On his last day, to give him a thrill, I put on the white suit with a pink shirt and a blue and pink striped tie.  It was an eventful day, but the lowbrow moment came when the other intern in the department showed up in my office wearing almost the same outfit.  I'm a man, she's a woman. We fucked for the entire weekend.  
  someone on irc told me that their mental image of me was "a small wiccan woman with many, many cats".        
  There was this guy I'd fucked like a dozen times before.  The first six times or so were threesomes with his friend.  And during a threesome, a guy will always try 10 times harder while fucking, because his friend is in the room.  Well, then he wanted to fuck without his friend involved, that was fine with me.  The only thing is, every single time ended up being lame...guess the guy needed an audience to be good.  So during the middle of sex, I'm kinda just staring at the ceiling.  I think to myself, "I've gotta get rid of this guy."  I always forgot just how lame the sex was until the middle of it, like I remember him not being anything special, but not bad either.  Maybe I need to stop smoking so much weed.  So I thought, no more of this, I'm done.    Well, when a guy has threesomes with his friend with you and knows for 100 percent sure that you're a whore, the last thing he wants to do is fuck you without a condom.  So I say to him (in my fake horny voice) "Your dick feels so good I wanna fuck WITHOUT a condom, take it off."  He stops for a sec, then keeps going WITH the condom on, of course.  Never called again after that.    I am becoming so creative with getting rid of guys...it's almost fun.  
  Wedding from hell.   I turned up at this wedding of an old friend. He lives in a different country so I had to fly there.   When I got there, not content with the wedding his wife to be felt the need to set me up with someone.   I wasn't overly intrested, to be honest I wasn't even aware what was going on until afterwards.   First I'm put on a table beside her with no one else I knew while everyone else was at the other end of the room. She was cute and all but really not my type.   Meanwhile my friends at the other table (not the ones getting married) had a pool going to see at what point would we hit it off based on the songs played.   So while trying to mingle I would occasionally get a friend coming over telling me to hit on her as she's really intrested. Unaware to me that she isn't really, and they just want to win the bet.   The guy who said I wouldn't hit it off won the bet by going over and telling her I had a bet on that I would do her within a certain time. So imagine my surprise when she comes over and pours my drink into my lap and tells me to go fuck myself and walks out.   I go back to the car to change and come back. Now everyone is confused if I scored with her or not. Meanwhile my friend who is getting married saw what happend and trys to set me up with thier "backup plan" friend.   To be honest she was really cute and intelligent but I was so pissed off with what happend I completly rude to her and ignored her.   I never spoke to my friends for some time after that.    
  He wanted to do me in the butt. We were both drunk and neither had anal sex before.  It was pretty good, but since we were on his floor, I had carpet burns and both knees, my face and my tits. I think I'm adicted.  
  even in this environment, where none of you know me, I can't bring myself to write the worst thing I've ever done.  For 15 years I have never told a soul.  and I never will.  It will enter my grave with me.  
  I heard this story second-hand from someone, but I think it's lowbrow worthy.  This girl I know had to go to court for a traffic violation, but while she was waiting, there was a bond hearing being broadcast over closed-circuit televisions.   As she's watching the hearing, the judge looks at the defendant and says, "Now let me get this straight, sir. You live next to the victim?"  The man, indignant despite the fact that he is wearing prison stripes, comes back with this:  "NAW! The VICTIM lives next to ME!"  The entire courtroom of lowlifes apparently exploded into approbation in the form of statements like, "Awwwwww SNAP!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went to a party with a friend of my dad, unbeknowst to him.   Said friend ended up fucking a few chicks at the party. He didn't seem to grasp the concept of nighttime, translucent shades, and light.   I gathered all the men to watch with me as I made willy commentary. I think I need to do chicks for a while.    
  Working at Burger King in the 70's, if I had a rude customer I would kindly ask them to wait.  I took their burger to the crew break room where we had a hanging plant.  I substituted a plant leaf for lettuce and watched them munch away in the booths.  
  I came home last night drunk and frustrated.  Whilst emptying my bladder I decided, for some reason, to vent my frustration by chewing on a can of deodorant.  I bit into the top which sprayed a large quantity into my mouth.  I stood there for a moment considering my stupidity. Then I was sick.  
  "We're not going to have a meeting of the minds on this one, I'm afraid," Tim said.  No, Tim, I'm afraid we're not. My mind has better things to do than wait around for something that isn't going to show up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so you wait for another hour or two for the weed to wear off so you can get stoned again propper.   then you smoke only to find you didnt wait long enough and all it did was emphasize your burnt-ness.  fuck it.  have a banana.  
  My friend Andy lives in front of a golf course. When we were in highschool, he used to have sleepover parties (this was like, 9/10th grade). Anyway... we'd drink as much liquid as we could all night. Like... coke after coke after coke after coke. Sometimes liquor but he was a pansy so not too often.  Anyway... we would drink until we were about to die of kidney failure. Then we would go out to the golf course and piss piss piss piss piss. We would cover that place with piss. Sometimes we would also piss on Andy's neighbours car.   One time, however, we decided to take it a step farther. So we pooped in the golf holes... just filled them with shit.  Then we went on a rampage of the city that probably damaged $2-3000 worth of private property. But that's a different story.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in 9th grade, my older bitchy sister who told my parents that I smoked pot, was a senior.    She was the total valedictorian and so perfect.  SHe had a boyfriend that my parents hated.    My vengence was simple and absolute.  I stole a 20 pack of condoms from the pharmacy went home and put a single squirt of liquid hand soap in each unwrapped condom and left them slightly hidden but still in plain site in her bedroom the morning after her boyfriend had been over and she was gone for the day.    Mother walked in and began to spot a lot of used condoms.    I was in heaven.  Pure fucking heaven.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The "insane clown possee" are in the mall.   Now I know why they wear makeup.  
  You now a relationship is fading when the foreplay becomes less a delicious appetizer before a great meal and more like a long line before an amusement park ride.        
  The billionaire owner of my company just asked me if I had ever watched "Private Porn".  He informed me that it was the best you could get.  I wonder why it is that he thinks that I, an innocent young woman would know about porn?  Probably because I was the one that defined snowball, feltching, and angry dragon for him.  God I love this company.  
  there's an old fag joke: want a rumor spread, tell three women or one gay man...  the other night i walked into the gay bar my ex works at on a night he was off. somehow, his name was brought up, and someone asked me how he was in bed...  i shrugged...  to be honest, it was the best sex i've ever had, but for some reason, all i did was shrug...  to steal from another lowbrow-er, i'm going to hell, aren't i?  
   good breath is like an oral handshake.  
  My dad is the chief of police in my home town.  I am away at college, and I have been dating a guy who has encouraged me to smoke a lot of weed, take a lot of pills, drink before my 21st birthday (which was 3 days ago), drive to fast, ride his motorcycle with no helmet, and various other activities of which daddy would not approve.  Last night, I saw a cop car in front of the office.  I instinctively tensed up, went back to the office, and waited until the car was gone...   Cop cars no longer make me think, "Daddy!"   They make me think, "Oh fuck, what'd I do?"  Thanks baby.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This story begins long ago in a more innocent time of my life. I was at one of my friends sleepovers.  It was late and we were all hopped up on sugar so we all decided - "What the hell, let's measure ourselves."  So we got our prepubescent dicks erect by looking at a vintage PlayBoy and proceeded to compare ourselves to the markings on a novelty condom.  I can't remember my exact length , maybe 3", but it was not so small as to illicit embarassment or so long as to induce envy.  Flash forward to New Years 2002.  So we're all drunk on 151 and whatever was around.  Again the brilliant idea of measuring our manliness pops up.  So we  get out the tape measure and, try as can, I can't exceed 4.5" max.  I turn 24 in May and I'm still a virgin.  The cheque for my real doll is in the mail.  
  I should have been studying for my calculus midterm, but it was a *really* good game of Tetris - not the kind of game you just turn off.  
  we were at this restaurant after playing ultimate at a tournament in arkansas all day and this old, probably 70 year old cook named Jack Ball sees the waitress try to make this toy monkey stop making its noise by putting it in between her legs.  Ball says, "She's putting the monkey between her legs, haha...  she likes when the monkey is in between her legs, haha."  then he grins because he is obviously very proud of his comment.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         OtherPerson: do you think we'll have school tuesday? PeterJaffe: I dunno PeterJaffe: I really have no clue whatsoever PeterJaffe: And that's a general statement, in response to nothing in particular  
  i used to work in a bar in the centre of town.  one midweek night an office party came in, already pretty far gone.  there was this one woman in particular who was fairly unsteady on her feet and she got up to go to the bathroom.  the female bathroom is near the manager's office and i watched her walk past the door to the toilet and proceed down the corridor towards the manager's office.  i went from behind the bar to help her out and point her in the right direction.  when i turned into the corridor i saw this woman squatting against the wall outside the door to the office, trousers and underwear round her ankles, pissing on the carpet.  and all i could think to say was "um, are you ok?"  i am a pathetic individual.  
  so I wore those low cut jeans to class today, My teacher whom I am on friend-like terms with yells. "JILL, don't you think your pants are a little low? I can about see your pubes!" I scoff and come back, "Why Mr Wilson that is impossable..I've been shaving for years" then I realzed I just told my teacher I shave my pubes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do you know how they celebrate Halloween in West Virginia?   They pump kin.        
  I apply for an internal transfer to a better position.   I don't get the job as I am told the person they hired has more experience.   Then two days later that guy comes around and asks me how to do his new job as he has never used the software and was told I "Was the guy who knew it inside out".   I think I was justified in telling him to go fuck himself.     
  Remember all the times when you were a kid and you crank called the operator and said dirty things that you really didn't even know the meaning of?  Well, even thirty years ago, the operators had your phone number on their screen as soon as they answered your call. My mom sometimes called them back.  
  Not many people know, but James Bond was a replacement for an extremely good British agent who was discharged from her majesty's service under questionable circumstances:    The agent, who was designated 007 prior to his termination, was investigating activity that was threatening the security of a top-secret submerged base.  Evidently, rich folks in avant-garde taste were taking to the consumption of extremely expensive whale's milk, which had to be harvested underwater.  The harvesters who chased the whales were close to the submerged government base.  During the background investigation, 007 determined that the actual harvesters were probably innocent but could be gathering information for a larger and shadier entity.  Big-money whale milking was highly illegal anyway, so it wouldn't be easy to find the people who were paying the harvesters and distributing the milk.     007 planned to do this by using worthless contaminated milk (tiny sea creatures that ate plankton, just like blue whales, had gotten into this batch) as a decoy to find the distributors, who usually insisted on picking up the crate containing the bottled milk from an unpopulated dock at a late hour.  Putting this clever plan into action, 007 had been secretly watching the crate for about an hour or so, and was just beginning to think that maybe the bad guys were onto him somehow when suddenly M contacted him via Q watch, and upon learning the details of his present course of action demanded that he return to base immediately.   Upon his arrival, M promptly fired this old 007, who was shocked and more than a little bewildered, as he was one of the best agents in the service.  As security came to escort him away, he was able to ask M why he was being terminated. She gazed levelly at him and said   "Everybody knows there's no use in spying over krilled milk."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Spent 5 years planning a trip to VEGAS on my 21st birthday. I just had my 21st birthday at home in bed - 8 months pregnant!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Getting ready to go at it one more time before I leave, my girl starts giving me head. Things are going great, when all of a sudden, I hear "Fur Elise", which can mean only one thing.  Next thing I know, she's chatting it up with her roommate about a variety of topics, myself included, for twenty minutes. In an attempt to get her attention, I pour the nearby bottle of water all down her ass, with no response.  I grabbed my clothes and went downstairs. I was no longer a part of her world.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to this high school in Texas, it was just like any other. Except we had a Rodeo team. Now, I don t know if it was just our particular team or if it was all the teams in our school district that were comprised of dim witted suburban cowboys and their big haired counterparts. But ours seemed to have that niche filled.  So one day, Petra, the proverbial, Rodeo team slut who sat in front of me in 1st period economics was spewing something from her normally caustic hole she occasionally used as a mouth, It was different, kind of witty, cryptic almost. I took a listen, it was referring to it s exploits the night before, then I noticed something almost endearing, and then I saw her cheeks,   what happened to your face I ask?    Oh, their rug burns  she replied, I never wanted to fuck a rodeo queen until that moment   
  As I sit at my desk I think how sexy it it, going to work with a skirt on and not wearing any panties.  I then think that it would have been alot more sexy if I had done it on the spur of the moment, and not because they were all dirty...  I think shaving my legs that day would have helped too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once again, I get invited to interview for a job as a writer. Takes me by surprise, so I scrabble to put some writing samples together for them. They're impressed, but want to see more, immediately. I tell them: "Just go to LowBrow.com, and keep clicking until you find moments from Limbo. That's me." They follow my instructions, right during the interview. I watch. After a few moments from LadeeFrickingDa (hi, sweetie!) and cheerleader@yercrotch (hi, sweetie!), I realize I'm not going to get hired...  
  How feasible is it, really, for me to try and maintain a relationship with a twenty year old that drinks miller lite and watches dawsons creek?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My 11 year old daughter got head lice from a friend last week.  I found some nits in my wife's hair as well.  Later that evening, my wife said something along the lines of "combing it out of your hair is easier than combing it out of your pubes."  I really didn't need to know that some prior boyfriend gave her crabs.  Honest.   
  Fuck the file navigation system in OSX.  And the print center too.  
  so i just got off a 4 day 50 hour workweek. ive been sleeping on my friends loveseat for a week. these two girls from a different apartment come over and wake me up, telling me its been so long since they last saw me, and wondering if they can borrow the vcr to watch porn... they tell me im hot ( i havent showered in 3 days, or shaved in a week, and have been in the same clothes and stink like ass.) and they keep telling me im cute...  i probably could have got laid tonight, most likely in my first threesome,but i just kept wondering 'why didnt they bring the porn over here, and then they wouldnt need to borrow the vcr?'   i had to go buy porn at blockbuster because its fucking sunday night at 10pm, and the pawn shops are closed.  when will i learn?  
  One time at my best friend Jims house, we were hanging out with his older brother and drinkin and smoking and he told us this story about his friend (cant remember his name).  Apparently this guy was talking to this girl whoses father just passed away. A few days after that happened he convinced her to go out on a date with him to get her mind off it. He pulls up to the house and knocks on the door and when she opens it he quotes a line from the movie beeetlejuice saying "We come for your daughter chuck" She immediatly breaks down and cries.  Her dads name was chuck...neeedless to say that was the beginning of a very long date.  
  My Uncle Wayne may have been a drunk, good-for-nothing, imbecile, misogynistic, brutish, drunk (yes, I say drunk twice.  He was that drunk), halfwitted, piece-of-shit lowlife, but out of all of the retarded shit he has said, I have found one thing (but just one) to be true.  "Sonny boy," he said to me, his breath thick with Old Milwaukee, "Listen well.  Men tend to be really, really stupid motherfuckers, but every single woman on the face of the planet is crazy."  There it is.  Men are dumb but sane and women are smart but nuts.  Don't believe me?  Test it.  I dare you.  
   When The Gods Wish To Punish Us, They Answer Our Prayers  I didn't have to do anything. She called me, and insisted on coming over. How did she get my number, without her dad finding out? Now that she's here, covered in fresh pink girlflesh, she makes it  very clear  that she's not here just to chat. She even tries to persuade me with lines like: "I'm tired of being a virgin!" Right in front of me. All I have to do is give in. Only problem is, she's fifteen...  
  Thers obviously something wrong, when your girlfriend puts you on the phone with her friend who is just like her "brother." Who proceeds to tell you that if you hurt her you will get your nuts shoved down your face from him.  And then you learn that before you, Her and the "brother" never really had a friendship, just lots of making out and oral sex.  She didnt put it that way though... Thank god.  
  "I once stuck an altoids up my butt hole."  - Zach Galifianakas  
  One thing I really loved about living in a trailer was when people would ask me where the bathroom was. Where the fuck to you think it is, through the foyer up the back stairs and third door on the left around the corner past the den? It's  down  the  fucking  hall.   
  This morning I woke up to discover that I had slept on the floor -- in a pool of my own vomit.  I still can't get the rancid smell out of my hair.  
  overheard on the elevator:  her "oh my god, she's so fat..." him "and mike's a cute kid, but if he doesn't learn to keep his mouth shut when he eats, i'm going to smack him." her "yeah, it's loud and nasty. i don't see how she stands it." him "she probably can't hear it over the sound of her getting fat."  people are so fucking mean. funny, but mean.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm kind of tired of girls assuming that all guys don't masturbate.  I mean it's right there hanging down right in front of us for christ's sake.  Are we seriously expected not to play with it?  That's like being six years old and having a room full of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, and never opening the door.  That's not a very good simile though, cuz I don't know about you, but when I was six I was playing with myself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I was raggin' really bad so this guy used a vibrator on me instead.  Okay so it felt pretty damn good...but do you have any idea how messy that is?  What a fucking sicko he was.  
  I used to stop by my buddy's house a couple times a week to get stoned.  His roommate was an upwardly mobile, very extroverted young woman, and in our intoxicated state, we read excerpts from her bookshelves, to our great amusement.  These included the gamut of the Oprah Book Club and the 'Self-Help' section. One fateful night, wedged between 'How to Win Him Back from the Other Woman' and 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,' we found a slim volume entitled  'The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.'   Gales of laughter ensued as we pored over the accompanying illustrations. Of course, we stole it and gave it to my friend for his birthday.  His girlfriend was not amused.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The cook pinched her ass at work. She yelled at him and he fired her. I found this only by accident, she didn't want me to find out. She knew how I'd react. She really needed the money too. Chris never said anything to convince her to stand up for herself, he knew she'd get mad. Yeah, he cares alright, careful that he always kisses her ass and never makes her angry. Load of shit.  "It's no big deal, it's not like he raped me"  I wonder (and worry) what she'll tell herself when someone gropes her or corners her or hits her or rapes her  Still she gets irritated with me, insists she can take care of herself. I'm sure she could, if she wasn't too afraid to make a stand.          
  Today is one of those days that I cannot wait for work to end.  One of those days that I look forward to that cold one that's waiting at home for me.  And with any luck, she'll be holding a beer...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Limbo Joins LowBrow, Yet Again  The Imodium is finally working, after about five literally shitty days. I take a piss, need to fart, and let it go. The Imodium has been working, after all... Oops. Wet one.  Really  wet one. Standing there, I drop my pants and shorts and look down at them. Nothing there, at all. Relieved, I grab the roll and wipe, just in case... I go through half a roll. How is it possible to fart a 1/2" layer of runny crap all over your ass without any of it getting in your pants? The mysteries of life...  
  Did you know that if an infinite number of rednecks drove down and infinite number of roads with an infinite number of shotguns, they would eventually write the entirety of Shakespeare's plays in braile on the back of stopsigns?  
  She: "What are you staring at?"  Me: "Your breasts, and I'm not staring -- I'm ogling."  She: "Well, stop, asshole!"  Me: "Really?  Why? Isn't that why you have them cantilevered up there in that SuperBra? Isn't that why you have so much cleavage showing?"  The truth may set you free, but it'll rarely get you laid...  
  My dad and I went to Wendy's today and stole all of the plastic spoons.  Then we went to Taco Bell, and proceeded to gather about three times as much hot sauce as a person would need in their entire life.  What's sadder.. the fact that we scavenge fast food restaurants for free stuff, or that it's me and my father?   
  Has anyone else noticed on the show "Friends" almost all the girls' nipples are hard? I'd hate to live there, it must be freezing.  
  Lowbrow moment?   Getting drunk in a country bar with a  female co-worker as she alternated  between bitching about her boyfriend and coming on to me.  Taking her back to the hotel we worked at and giving her head as she called me names, giggled, hiccuped, and pulled my hair.   Yeah, I still did her with a smile.   Shiner Bock kills my conscience quite nicely.    
  One of my roomates in college had a Norwegian girlfriend named Hella. (don't laugh you California "dudes") She was a long distance runner. She ran like 28 miles a day almost everyday. My rommie told me she hadn't had a menstral cycle in over 2 years (No wonder she was a total bitch) One day she comes over looking for my roomate but he wasn't there. I look down and shes got like this HUGE bloodstain on the front and back of her white shorts. She apparently hadn't noticed..... I didn't bother to say anything, not really my business.   
  I am a graduate of an ivy league college...During my freshman year at said college, I had a prof who showed us a video that included a scene from some wackjob woman's "performance art" piece in which she shoved a can of yams up her ass and squeezed large pieces of liver between her breasts to make "breast sandwiches".  My education cost too much fucking money  
  So, I'm like reading this lowbrow, and this guy is writing about how shit can plop in the water and splash your butt and it's especially exciting for him (I guess he's hetero-male because of all the constipation about his arse.) ANNYway, he's very especially excited about the splashes, which when they ever occur and not often enough, hit you right in the rectum.  Bulleye in your redeye.  Well, and anyway, he signs his name 'sadbut@true.com.'  So, I think, what a poop.  He missed a fat chance to leave his mark as "SadButt@True.com."  A good joke is a terrible thing to waste.  
  I had just got out of my 9o'clock class and it was official: I had an "F" average in every class I'm taking this semester.  Just getting back the test I took the previous Friday.  In my misery I walk up to a vending machine and insert 55cents.  The machine dispences ice, surp, carbonated water, and cup in that order.  As everyone in the hallway falls over laughing at the site of a cheap warner bros cartoon gag happen in real life I realise I dont have the time to change my pants before my next class.  
  Tonight, I realized that I can never get away from my Oklahoma redneck upbringing.  I just finished off the last package (out of 3) from a box of MICROWAVE PORK RINDS.  
  I was mugged on my 21st birthday by some crackhead. He jammed the gun in my back and said, "Gimme all yo shit, or Im'll blow yo fuckin' head off!"  It's a good thing I didn't smart off and say my head was about two feet up from where he'd placed the gun.  Or, a foot below and about fourteen inches from my balls, depending on which head he was talking about.  I feel kinda sorry for Mr. Crackhead. If I could, I would pay for him to take a biology course.  Ah, fuck it. I'll just have him drawn  and quartered.     
  I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.  Although he made a mess,he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror-wearing nothing but a camera.  
  A public service announcements to all the hipster chicks out there:  No matter what current fashion may say, the Betty Page haircut does not look attractive on anyone.  Dont do it.  I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm only trying to help.       
        if a woman gets mad at her man for something he supposedly did and he has no idea about it is he still wrong was the question in unison the married men avered of course  
  Tripping my brains out, the guy driving stopped at the Maryland Turnpike service station. I floated towards the Coke machine, dropped in my last few quarters. Nothing came out.  I pressed the coin return. Nuthin. Slapped the Coke button several times, then Orange Fanta. Finally the Yoo-hoo. Not a peep. I more vigorously leaned on the coin return. Still no response. Perturbed, I started banging my fists upon the stubborn large red behemoth. Then put shoulder into and started rocking the thing. Back and forth, til it was making lots of noise as the back of the machine banged against the wall. Fuck if the $50 billion dollar Coca-Cola Corporation of America was going to steal my money. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" quizzed the extremely large and muscular-looking black station attendant , looking a cross between Reuben Hurricane Carter and Mr. T, the muscles rippling out of of very annoyed forehead. "ummm  errrr  ummmm it it it it errrrr ummmm" I stammered eyes dilated, now focused upon the apparent knife scars on biceps that were twice the size of my thighs approaching me at an uncomfortably rapid pace. "I - I -I - it - it -it" not able to to utter a coherent word. Now his face is  inches from mine...."TELL ME, DID THAT MACHINE HIT YOU??"  He says, staring at me so hard he's looking right through me.  I lost my thirst.  "Coke adds life?" I thought......fuck that!     
  "Can I use your lighter".  "Only if you respect it in the morning."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sparta, Wisconsin...  Nuf said...  
  I'm sitting at my best bud's house (trailer) and we're talking about how white I am (Me being Mexican). I don't speak spanish. I don't like spanish foods. I don't like soccer (or futbol as it's called). And I don't do yardwork. I grew up in the city and went to private school.   "You are the whitest person I know!" He says.  This coming from the one who lives in a trailer park.   
  "hey.....at least my fingers don't smell like shit"  
  Okay.  Here's how I know video games have rotted my brain:  I was returning from the laundromat with my usual 30-gallon plastic sack of clean clothes when I happened to look at my reflection, a little figure hunched over with a winter hat and a hug bag slung over my shoulder.  I looked like one of those little elves in "Golden Axe".  You know those little harmless creatures you have to beat up to get food and magic points?  So I walked the remaining two blocks home with a real fear that some dwarf with an axe would come and beat the shit out of me and steal my laundry to strengthen his spell-casting ability.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 11 I found my Dad's Playboy stash.  The next day, I stole all of my sister's barbies and drew pubic hair and nipples on them with a permanent marker.  Anatomically correct, indeed.  
  My brother, my mother and I once all worked for the same person. His name was Bob, and he was a prick. He was completely loaded, and, every year, his presents to the staff (in lieu of a bonus) got chintzier and chintzier.  One year, he sent out these cheapass $1 calendars... all the same one to everyone, too. It was literally worse than no gift at all. Certainly worse than a card. It was insulting. It was like saying, out loud, at a weekly staff meeting, "Fuck all of you."  So I took my calendar into the bathroom and took a shit on it. To the best of my memory, that's the only time I've ever taken a shit on something that wasn't already in the toilet.  It was only by performing this act of descecration that I discovered just how thin and reedy turds are if they don't soak up water in the bowl.  It's true. You look down into the bowl, and you think, "Wow, I passed that? That's, like, 2 inches in diameter!" But it wasn't that big coming out of your ass -- it just expanded!  Try it if you don't believe me. Your body has the right idea. It's compact (so it doesn't take up much room in your body), but it easily dissolves in water (so rain or running water can easily get rid of your smelly poop).  Way to go, evolution. Fuck you, Bob.  
  It's become a strange game. He pretends he doesn't have porn tapes hidden behind the books that I don't usually read, and I pretend I don't know about them. Mind you, I don't care if he wants to watch porn. But for some reason, his secrecy bugs the hell out of me.  Sometimes, I throw one away. He never says anything, but a week or two later, a new one appears.  Once while he was out of town, I taped Teletubbies and Sesame Street over the middle parts of each one. The next time he took one out to watch secretly in the middle of the night downstairs, I crept to the top of the staircase to peek.  In the middle of a two-blonde blowjob, as he's stroking away, it cuts to the Tubbies.   He never missed a stroke.  I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted.  
  "Are you a boy or a girl? Either way you rock my world."  I finally found the song that describes my life for the last two years.  It was on a Target commercial.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom was grocery shopping. She saw a pregnant lady. Asked her, "When are you due?" Lady pauses. Lady yells to her husband, "Harold!  This woman thinks I'm pregnant!"   
  For halloween I was a christian, i wore a blind fold and carried a book of lies  
  The first time me and my girlfriend tried anal sex, she was a tad nervous, and was in an awkward position.  Once I got it in, she pulled away and was teary eyed because it hurt. She was going to go to the bathroom to calm down, when I hear *THUD!* in the hallway.  She had passed out and my mom was walking up to see if she was ok.  So, here I am, my hand smeared in KY Jelly, pants, unbuttoned and zipper down, trying to convince my mother that she passed out because she stood up too fast...  We had ass sex two days later.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i was at pep boys a few days ago, and i get into line, i hear at the next line a young black women, and she sounds pissed, the guy behind her came over to my line and i offered my spot to him because he was there first, he then leans over and says "dude, shes about to throw down over there" i just looked and thought meh, but when i came to the counter and paid for my stuff, i heard her say, i'm just going to leave it here, and the poor guy working at the counter was like "i'm sorry but it's yours" then i found out she was mad cause she couldn't return the item without a receipt, she then just walked out of the story leaving the stuff at the counter.   i'd paid a lot to be there when she tells someone else that she bought something, lost the receipt, then proceded to return the stuff, then thought it would show "the man" was is up by giving the item back to the store. stupid people shouldn't mate, this laddy is such a waste of sperm.   
  Debating with my mother over whether we should go to church on Christmas Day, (the one time of year we do actually go and something which we haven't done in about three years anyway), she says, "You really should be nicer to God," when I tell her that I detest church and do not want to go.   So I tell her, "Church has nothing to do with God."  All she could do was shrug. "You're right." We didn't go.   
     Sorry, but I've noticed this quite often amongst people now, it's pretty foul.       Do you find it amusing what people will do when they think nobody is looking? Well this is the most disgusting of them all:  Picking their anus and sniffing their fingers, it makes me want to vomit every time I see it, kids, adults, the elderly, they all bloody do it, whether it's in the corner of a railway station or at a bus shelter.  The moment they have a moment to themselves, they are busy removing faecal matter and inhaling it.   God Help Us All.  
  in nov i will be on a 10 and a half hour flight to spain. can masturbation get you in the mile high club?        
  They finally found his body yesterday in a warehouse on the other side of town. Barbed wire bound his wrists and ankles, respectively; and a half-inch diameter metal rod, one end sharpened, ran through his knees to keep them together, but that purpose was, needless to say, only superficial. A black plastic garbage bag had a second hole carefully cut in it, making it an odd, irregular tube; one end had been sealed with duct tape around his neck, the other end to the exhaust pipe of a 1987 Ford Taurus which, incidentally, lacked a rear-view mirror. 26 May, 2001     
   I didnt realise I was that drunk, until I found myself in bed with my finger up my arse.  Later I didnt know whether I felt violated, or proud that I finally explored every single part of my body.      
        San Francisco.  Fucking bums.  Red light.  Beggar.  Chuck that quarter in front of three lanes of traffic.  Beggar gets up, light changes.  Funny shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was shooting pool with some guy when he said:  "I have a bet, if I win...you give me a blow job, if I lose...you give me a blow job."  I said, "Wow, sounds like an EXCELLENT bet ::sarcasm::, what do I get out of it?"  He said, "Aerobics."  Can't beat that reasoning, eh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time, when my little brother was in the bathtub, on his back...he pissed up in the air and it was landing right on his forehead.  
  One time I ran completely out of underwear so I had to borrow a pair of my husband's jockeys.   The feel of these highly engineered bulky cotton underpants was bad enough but I also had my period at the time and had to wear a Kotex pad.     When I looked at myself in the mirror, it was truly a bizarre sight...like some new hybrid of a crossdresser.  The bulge was so very wrong, no question.  It was sick, I tell you.  I have never run out of underwear since.  
  An inherent lowbrow skill we all have and dont know:  dig that when you shit even before lean crane or stand to inspect your handiwork - now this doenst really apply to you alchy shit sprayers no offense all - you can tell whether your turd is a floater or a sinker.  As extra credit I offer this - dont you hate when you take a fabulous shit - something huge and long and heavy and evil and you look to see it but the depth of the bowl has swallowed it offering for your glimpse only that dark tapered end?  
    The most special thing about Lowbrow is not the poor fools who submit, but the decision they must make to submit.   There is no rewind, no edit, no retract or ammend.   No matter what alias they use or false address they may use to dodge praise or criticism,  they  know they're the one who submitted, and it is they who are reminded of that when returning here.   These moments are the murders, back-alley abortions, and bastard children of the literary world.  
  About twice a year I get a violent stomach illness, in which I am puking and shooting a constant spray of lava-hot diarreah.  I usually get to the point of praying for death when the dry heaves come.    It's hard being me sometimes.  
  as i climbed the escalator towards another lonely lunch, i looked up and saw a homeless lady in front of me. she was barefoot and dirty. she smelled of the streets, of dumpsters that filled the back alleys, of insanity. i followed her as she walked uncaringly into the corporate dining hall.  i saw herdart towards a line that was filled with suits. i lost her as a group of yuppies passed me. maybe she finally got to feel like more than a bag lady.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he removed the chunk from his nostril and proceded to rub his emboogered fingertips off on the cuff of his jeans thats why god invented pantslegs quoteth he        
  I was getting ready for a party about a year ago when a buddy of mine pulled up to the campsite with a truckload of firewood. I was in the process of erecting my tent.  *Exact Conversation*  Him- "Hey Ricky, I got wood!"  Me- "Hey Andy, I'm pitchin' a tent!"   ...if only someone had shown up with a fat kid at that exact moment, they coulda said..."Hey guys, I got a chubby!"  I consider it a lost opportunity...  
  Sitting in the mall at 8am after a heavy night.  Faces white as sheets. Looked liked tramps.   People coming in to shop. Offered us money for breakfast.   Man, we must have looked bad.  We took it.  
  I was around 18 and had left the bar at closing time with  this cute girl.  We spent a while on a park bench, kissing like our young live's depended on it. She sitting on my lap and I groping for all I was worth.  Drunk, I lifted her in my arms as I got up intent on carrying her back to my apartment a few blocks away.  Real manly, hero stuff, you know.  I slipped in a patch of ice. Probably the only patch of ice left in town.  She landed on her ass a good six feet away and I landed halfway on the bench.  I broke a rib, bruised both my ego and her ass and killed my chances of getting laid.  I laughed for a long time.  I couldn't help it. Sprawled there, half out of her clothes, she looked so pissed off and  miserable.  I still had her number but  she wouldn't have much to do with me after that.  
  "We can't break up!" "Why?" "Because where else will you find a woman who will laugh at you when you try and pee on her in the shower?" "You like it when I pee on you?!" "NO! It's just funny when you threaten it." ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "You should forget her. All she ever does is dick you over for the same old jerk, over and over and over. Olive doesn't deserve you, Popeye. Never has."        
  He was from Maine, down in Virginia dropping off his daughter at college. He was drunk. He began to talk to my friend. Upon placing a hand on his shoulder, my man pointed at me and said "He's a Jeopardy! Champion" and walked away. Fucker.  I didn't mind the touching. I didn't mind the bragging about his job. I didn't mind the bragging about his education. I didn't mind the fact that he was sitting in a bar and telling people to go to college. I didn't mind that he made me miss the football game.  He was buying the drinks.  A $500 tab later, The entire bar walks out drunk as hell, and thanking me for taking one for the team.   I thought Patience was supposed to be a virtue.  
  The other night I was looking at some web page or another. It had one of those banner ads on it.  It said, "Warning! Your desktop is boring!"  I said, "You're boring."  It said, "You're a desktop."  I can't believe I just got schooled by a banner ad.  
  A black leather and lace bustier, complete with garter snaps: $65  A custom-fitted black leather and steel chain thong which falls completely off with the unsnapping of two snaps: $60 (after cuteness discount)  A pair of one-size-fits-all fishnet thigh-highs: $10 A pair of black patent leather, 4-inch stiletto heels: $75  A lace choker: $15  Assorted makeup products, including (but not limited to) lipstick, lip liner, eye shadow, mascara, foundation, blush, and eye liner: $20  A 6'-1", 165lb guy with facial hair getting third place at the "Leather-n-Lace" Lingerie contest at Rocky Horror Picture Show: priceless  Hey!  I was happy with third place!  I would have won if those damn chicks didn't get naked!  I thought this was a lingerie contest!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in the laundromat everyone was watching jenny jones. no one liked the twins in miniskirts. they cheered on the attackers as i folded pair after pair of faded panties.        
  On my way to the DMV to get my license I was in a car crash.  It was not my fault but it was very spectacular, complete with police, firemen and paramedics.    It was just like an episode of CHiPs!  The firemen wanted to know how two cars traveling in the same direction could end up on different sides of the street facing opposite directions.  I had to explain that my car had done a 180 while it was rolling.  Everyone thought this was way cool.  I explained to the policeman that I was really only 15 minutes away from getting my license and showed him my DMV appointment slip.  He was not impressed and cited me for driving without a license anyway.   
  The samoan carpenter had the 5 empty pitchers of beer he had sucked down after work on friday afternoon clipped to his utility belt......he began banging on the bar with his roofing hammer for more beer when the Redwood City cops arrived........they asked his permission before handcuffing him.....he said "yes"  When asked to give up the pitchers he said "no, these are gifts".  
  "Some second degree burns but some first degree burgers!" He says, white bandages covering both his hands.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was with my grandfather for some reason on an elevator, i think we were visiting my grandmother in the hospital.  so we press the button to go up to the sixth floor, and on some floor in between a woman gets on, and presses for the lobby.  being fucked up the elevator goes down.  as it starts ascending my grandfather turns to the woman and says "it's not all about you, you know."  she got off on the next floor.  
  i'd never seen anyone, at a party full of people mind you, scream loudly about the faults of jesus christ, strip naked, jump in to a fridgid pool and begin to masturbate.   that is, until, we gave his brother mushrooms  
  sandiseldneyataoldotcom wrote quote God only made children cute,so we don't throw them away. Seriously, children are only cute and harmless to the ones they belong too.  endquote that kind of attempt at provoking people into verbal bouts is so two year old maybe you hate kids cos youre still fucking one of them and you dont get all the attention they do and since you are so fucking feeble you lash out at the kids rather than looking at yourself and saying wow i am lame maybe ill go get some self worth nah better idea throw away the other children so its just mememememememememememememememememememememememememememe whoa       
    That's not an emotional scar,          it's a callous.  
  Ahh, beware the quiet ones...  At a bar in celebration of my twenty-first birthday with my twin and a half-dozen including her boyfriend at the time and his "friend" who I didn't know. The f"riend" is trippin' balls on acid and decides it would be funny to reach across the bar and cop a feel with my twin. -grab-squeeze- She's drunk, she's upset, she starts to crumble in the bathroom because of this obvious violation while her boyfriend did nothing. My normally demure-bookwormish exterior cracks like an egg. I strode back into the bar, yanked said "friend" off his barstool by the back of his shirt and proceeded to drag him out the door with one hand. (He got tangled up in the rubber floormat and that came out too.) After dragging him into the parking lot and screaming til I was hoarse about how I was going to knock out all of his teeth, said "friend" locked himself in the boyfriend's Jeep and refused to come out. That night, the "friend" got taken to the emergency room and got 8 stitched in his head from the bar stool fall. His Dad asked him if we wanted to press charges. He declined.  
  I lost my virginity at 16.  It wasn't so bad that it was in the back of car.  But what was bad was that he couldn't figure out how to work the first condom,  or the second.  So by the third (and last) condom he had to turn on the dome light and read the directions.  By that time his dick was half soft and I'd say the moment was pretty much gone.  Thanks asshole, I didn't want to write about losing my virginity in "Dear Diary" anyway.  
  i've enjoyed spaghetti-Os for lunch three times in a less than a week. i'm 30 years old.       
  "And does Kool-Aid dissolve in water?" my biochem teacher asked?  No one answered.  "Well, yeah, that's how you MAKE it!" he finally said.        
  Drunk. High. Shrooming for the first time.  A friend comes home with alcohol poisoning.  We think she is going to die... even though there are completely sober people around.  I am taking care of her. Why you ask? Because even tripping drunk and high I was the most responsible one there.  
  Yeah, I called the psychic hotline and I got the free power crystal and as a result I can now crush walnuts with my bare hands and I know obscure facts about myself that I already knew before I called.  
  across a vast space  i heard a tiger tell a tale in whispers that told me that life can be a beautiful thing         
  This morning, as I half-drunkenly entered the kitchen at 8:30, my dad asked where I've been.  "With a divorced woman eight years older than me. We were drinking in the bar down the street. She had the greatest tits I've ever seen, and she was hot for it, but refused to fuck me. I got to feel her up, though. Now I'll go to my room, jerk off, and sleep."  His answer?   "Did you get her number?"  
  A kiss on the cheek from the right girl is better than a whole month of blowjobs from the wrong girl.  
  It took me 19 years, but I finally learned how to masturbate properly.  I use the showerhead, in the bath.  I almost drowned last night, but it was fucking worth it.  
  One good way NOT to get laid is to fire your girlfriend.  
  I work at a call center for a branch of banks that are growing in large amounts here locally.  The other day I received a call from a frantic woman who claims that her husband has disappeared.  I didn't understand why she called us (the bank) until the conversation continued.  Her husband, who is quite wealthy if I might add, had an account with us.  She provided us with his account number and I pulled it up, noticing that she was not on the account as well I informed her that I couldn't give her any information on it.  She yelled and screamed claiming that she has contacted the police and that his bank statement came in and large amounts of money were disappearing and she didn't know where they were coming from.  As she continued crying, she said that she suspected abduction and someone was holding him for ransom.  As I scrolled down the page observing the account, I noticed purchases at expensive hotels and boutiques...hmmmm...I think we can put two and two together.  THIS is lowbrow folks.  
  I had my picture taken with Ron Jeremy last night.   You would think out of all the people in the world who would be inclined to wear deoderant, he would be one of them.    
  It was my turn to be designated driver on our trip back from Tijuana.  Back on the San Diego State campus, I drop off friends, then go to restart the car.  FUCK.  I'm parked at a dead end at the bottom of a hill. The very inebriated owner of the car decides to pushstart the car up the hill (it was a 67 VW Bug), and tells me to stay in the car and steer. He gets us goin at a good pace, then stops, so I assume that he wants me to stop as well. He's maybe 10 feet behind the car, when i slam on the brakes... right as he takes a final sprint at the car to get it to the top of the hill. SMACK! running full-speed into a parked car has to be unpleasant.  
  this is technically my brother's lowbrow moment, i guess...  he and his spawning partner decided to get married... she's about 5' and 300 lbs (which is a nice estimate)...  she wore a silver wedding dress that was a little too tight and showed off the rolls...  at the reception, the guests were treated to an iceberg lettuce salad and pizza- delivery...  after she threw the bouquet (all her sisters fought over it), they decided to throw the garter...  he lifted her dress and everyone got to see the black fishnets and doc martens she was proudly wearing under her wedding gown...  all the single guys were herded into a corner so my brother could throw the thing; after he eventually yanked the little piece of spandex off her hoof, he threw it behind him...  i moved...  so did everyone else...  that was the first time i've ever seen the garter hit the ground, and noone dove for it...   i think her brother eventually kicked it under a bush  
      Poor Man's Colonic Wash  Going off the high dive and landing square on you ass. As clenched as your cheeks may be, you'll be walking funny for the next 4 hours.    
  boys, quit bitching about girls not shaving their bush. it's natural and the other alternatives hurt like hell. brazilian wax? the most painful thing i've ever encountered. and don't even suggest shaving. you know the itchy feeling you get when you grow a beard? imagine that between your legs. besides, it keeps us warm in the winter.  
  brooklyn, 18 years old.. i'm a long way from home.  jones for some weed. i go to the bodega near my friend's apartment. saratoga avenue. if you're from ny, you will realize how i should have been shot just walking there.  it's like 4 a.m. the revolving bulletproof plexiglass window is the only way to order shit. i ask for a 40 and a dime bag. i get the 40 and a confused look from the 18 year old arab kid running the window. i persist and insist on a dime bag, thinking i can score. he curses me out in arabic and i leave, dejected.  the next night, having realized that these guys are honest--don't sell weed--i go to the revolving window and ask for a 20 oz. coke. the plastic bottle.   the same arabic kid is there, and he thinks i'm trying to buy cocaine off him. his burly realtive (maybe coworker) comes to the door with a nice chrome .380.   tells me to fuck off and stop trying to buy drugs at their store.   i never went to that store again.    
  My boyfriend and I were in Palm Springs this weekend.  On Friday afternoon we were walking down the street and there was a big, corny poop on the sidewalk.  We had a laugh and kept moving. On saturday night, we were talking about going out to a club.  I asked him where it was and he said, "in the Corn-Poo District."  
  So for the the third time in twice as many days, I am pulled over and delivered a moving violation and a summons to appear in court. Fine, I broker the letter of the law, and I got caught. I am a big boy and I can live with that.  But do I HAVE to say "Thank You" when he finally hands me back my driving license and the ticket? Surely "manners" have their limits....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Being the geek I am, I got a new gell pad for my wrists while I'm typing for Christmas. So anyhow I decided how long the old one would stretch since it's cover had long since come off. So here we are my dad and I standing in the hall with a stretched out gel pad at least 20 ft. long. The fucker let go and it smacked me straight on the balls.  Damne fucker see if I do anything with him anymore.  
  Given what later happened, this one is incomprehensible. Walking down the corridor of the girl's dorm, the really young brother of one of the girls, who's been hanging around for a while, walks towards me. He's about 4' 10". 'Cept "he" is now wearing a Laura Ashley dress. We approach each other, and when we get close, we execute a perfect square dance do-si-doh, in silence, and continue on our ways. That's how I met my first wife.  
  After the eye exam, the optometrist told me I had the beginnings of cataracts.  I said, "No I don't".  The optometrist, a very young and sweet Vietnamese woman who spoke in broken English expressed confusion and said, "Oh, but you do tooooooo."  I said, "No. I don't accept that." and left.   
  you would think a guy who owns his own fairly sucessful small business would be smart enough to atleast clear the history, of not the internet files cache on his computer after he looks at porn.  you sick fuck. sitting there in the office, while we work in the other room, beatin it.  i hope the next time your doin that shit, you die of a cerreberal hemorrage, cock in hand, in the middle of the office.  now that would be a kodak moment  
  I shot myself in the head once with a .38 seven years ago. My three year old son should really be glad that I couldn't even do that right.        
    My parents go to Atlantic City. I call over Tim C and Kevin, I'm on the vodka quick, they take their time with the Old English. For the first time I let them smoke me up. I remember howling at the moon.  The next morning my mother wants to know how I could destroy the house in 8 hours. Something about a hole in the basement door and the pool gate being in splinters. The list keeps going. Something about a vase. "What vase?" I ask. I don't remember there being any vases in my house.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My niece was crying and had a red fluid coming out of her nose.  Upon further inspection, they realized it wasn't blood.  She had a red hot jammed up her nostril.  No wonder she was crying.  
  We first found out about his truly disgusting habit in a Latin class (yeah, yeah, i've heard them all before). My friend told me just to watch him for a few minutes, and lo and behold i watched as he inserted his index finger into his nose, dug around extracted his finger and transferred whatever was beneath his fingernail into his mouth. He tried to keep it surreptitious by putting one hand in front of  his mouth, but this was just designed to throw the teachers off the scent, and not those sitting behind him. I thought at first that this might be a one-off, a freak occurrence. There was no way that i would see that happen again. I was wrong. For a whole year we stalked him from class to class, sitting behind him in history lessons, which were much more populated than the puny latin class we were in. by the end of GCSEs the whole of the back row knew about his dirty habit, and we would watch him day in, day out, trying hard not to burst out laughing, unable to look away.  When our history teacher baked us all a cake to celebrate the end of term, she apologised that one of the cakes was not up to scratch. I couldn't resist making a little joke which i thought would only be appreciated by the people in the class.  "Give it to _____, he'll eat anything."  Much to my surprise she had to stifle her own giggles and then proceeded to tell me off.   Hypocrite.  
  I was at work one day when a lady and her kid came in. Her kid looked like one of those little skater boys, with the skate t-shirt and the long shorts and the spiked hair. He looked about 10 years old. Cute kid.  I was ringing up her order, and I said, "Aww, he has cute hair!"  "Oh, thanks....and by the way...it's a GIRL." she whispers.  "Huh?" My face had to be bright red.  "What did you say?" she asks.  "Umm...I said, uh...SHE has cute hair!"  I gave her back her change and sprinted to the back of the store and hid until she left.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my dog pooped in the middle of the top stair. and it was standing up on it's end, just begging to be photographed. a few shots from the digi cam, and an hour on adobe later, i had some nice animated gifs of my very own mr. hankey. man, i need some friends.   
  i know they've all changed and we don't hafta worry about the braincrushing child abuse anymore but i still want to sue the fucking nuns for some of the crap they pulled on me  maybe get a whole slew of people and class action their sadistic asses sue them back to the stone age from whence they came email me if you wanna join the crusade against the nazi penguins        
  Sitting in the car at a fast food joint.  I enjoy my fries while my friend struggles with her shake.  After a few minutes of struggling she finally gets a bit out.  "Damn" She says,"It took me forever to get the fruit outta the straw" After a few minutes of me staring at her I burst out in hysterical laughing. "what" she asks. "they don't put fruit in their shakes!"  
  coming from swenson's, sitting in the movie theatre, waiting for the movie. impatiently waiting... so i wouldn't have to make conversation anymore.  he turns to me, looks at me with this peculiar smile on his face, and dives in for the first kiss.  "NO NO NO NO NO!" - i hold up my hands and try to block his attempt.  "what?"  "i don't kiss on the first date."  "oh. is it me?"  "oh no, it's not you paul. i just don't kiss on the first date."  "right. well when did you decide this?"  "oh, LONG time before you paul."  "i see. did you decide this on a first date, or before you started dating?"  "before i started dating."  "oh."  [insert painfully long ackward pause of silence.]  "aah. well, gives me something to look forward to then, doesn't it?"  VOMIT.        
  So I suppose there are more than two servings in a box of Peanut Butter Crunch.  I'm pretty okay with that.  However, I just wish I could find a woman who doesn't come close to my 250lb bulk.  I see them at the mall.  I see the fat guys with the pretty girls and so my mantra goes, "What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck."  I have money.  I'm not ugly from the neck up. It's bizarre.  Maybe I should stop wearing my Charles Manson and Dawn of the Dead t-shirts?  
  few things in life are any more intense than executing a barrel roll on an inner tube while it's being pulled behind a speedboat... on LSD.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "So, want to go back to her dorm for a foursome?" I asked.  Hey, after 3 shots of vodka, a long island iced tea, and a white russion, i had already made out /w a guy, why not level thigns back out and do something very hetro? Besides, it's always been a fantasy of mine.  To my surprise the other couple agreed. We drove back to my girlfriend's dorm, turned on the blacklight, cranked some Elvis Costello, and had some fun.  Er... Ever notice how fantasies never turn out the way you think they will?  The other girl was mostly attracted to the other guy. Now, i was expecting to get a little poon from a NEW girl, ya know? Not that my girlfriend is a bad lay, far from it, but i wanted some variety.  Turns out this was for the best. We lay up in her bed and watched those two fuck in several imaginative positions. It wasn't until she was really getting into it that we noticed... the smell.  Seems this poor girl's musk was about as potent as three or four regular girls.  We had let them borrow my girlfriend's comforter, which was a big mistake.  6 washings later, it still stunk of poon.  It's now named "the skanket"  
  the lady who played aunt bea on the andy griffith showed died broke in a house full of cats.  i know this because i saw it on E.  
  You know those BBQ Wing Joints they have in practically every major city in America... the ones that have warning labels on their super/deadly hot wing sauce, and are personally endorsed by some pro-sports player from twenty years ago ...   There is one of those in Pittsburgh that makes you sign a waiver, freeing them from any responsibility as pertains to the intestinal problems you might incur after eating their super/deadly hot wings.   Clearly just a promotional gimmick, to hype their wing sauce.... right?  A friend of mine took the challenge. Enjoyed the wings, but had to drink a shit load of beer to keep himself from gagging, because the sauce was that hot. Of course pounding all that beer led him to puke shortly after, back at the apartment.   Then he wandered into a spare bedroom with his girlfriend (now his wife) and they started going at it. In a few short minutes she gave a little scream, and ran into the bathroom where she cried and whimpered for a few hours.  Turns out that a cursory wash of your hands does not clean off all the super/deadly hot wing sauce you acquire on your fingers while eating dangerously hot BBQ wings.  They should include this possible scenario in their waiver... don't you think?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "why are you so mean?"                 "its cause I'm constipated"              "well go get some laxatives and stop complaining"                     "oh no no no. Its not that I can't poop, its that Im saving it. incase someone tries to rape me I can poop on them. remember feces is your last line of defense"  
  After I get done doing a hard step aerobic workout, I reward myself with a cig and a beer.  Yes...seriously.  
  We were on the second floor of the large sporting superstore, looking at the shotgung...they were accessible, connected by an alarm cord to the racks which was long enough to put the weapon to your shoulder.  I handed the wife, a firearm virgin, a .12 gauge which was just long enough to be legal for home defense.  She immediately put it to her shoulder and drew a bead over the balcony on some unsuspecting schmoe on the lower level.  I took the gun from her quickly and gently, explaining her faux pas, and put it back on the rack...we then went to look at shoes  
  I leaned towards the girl 'o my dreams, and with flailing arms, knocked her drink out of her hands.  We both watched it smash on the floor. I leaned closer.  "Buy you a drink?" She shagged a 40 year old with a beard in plaits instead.   
  Ahhh....the joys of being a naieve child. I can still remember the bright red little hairs...the intoxicating smell when I rubbed it between my fingers...and the look on my grandmas face when I came running up to her with about $100 worth of pot that I found growing in my back yard woven in my hair like flowers. I also remember hearing my dad say to my mom..."Out of all the damn weeds in the back yard she picks mine to fuck with"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         worst barf episode.  my friend joe was in town - not really my friend anymore, more of a jerk... went to a bar by my house... he kept buying me jack daniels on the rocks - not sure how many i drank... he and john left to go to the summer house or some crappy club like that... I walked home and went to bed.  head was spinning, felt the barf coming -- luckily there was a bag by my bed.  My girlfriend had got me this nice halloween bag full of candy. Next morning the barf and candy had mixed together a little into a smelly oozy glop.  I washed it out and was able to save about half of it. I don't like wasting food.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am wondering if lowbrow is just a slick marketing trick to create a spam list of drunk, literate, horny masochists.  
  As I reached for my wonderful ATM/credit card, she asked "Will that be all? No cigarettes? Lotto?"   I said, "Who, me? No. No thank you." The thought had never occured to me that I actually good purchase those things, given the proper vices.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  One day I walked into the gift shop in the museum that I work at, right as one of the shop girls was telling some of my co-workers about her new boyfriend. "He buys me all sorts of naughty things," she said "like edible underwear that you can eat." "What other kind of edible underwear is there?"  I asked.   She looked at me confused and said "well...the regular kind that you can't eat" and then she laughed at me because she thought I was stupid. I laughed because I was happy my parents didn't send me to public school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think I know what the problem is.    The Universe is perfect.  It's running fine, and everything is as it should be.  Human rationality is flawed.  Think about that next time you get a pickle in a hamburger, after you specifically requested NOT to get one.      
  I attended one of those big radio-promoted, shitty-band, concert festivals last summer.  During one band, some kid decides to go crowd surfing, with a broken leg.   He was probably only six or seven years younger than me, but I still can't help but wonder what has happened in that amount of time, that would make all those kids so stupid.  His whole cast ended up getting cracked and torn off. I hope he has a limp now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time, on a band trip in high school, I ate this giant slab of beef jerky on the bus.  When I pooped it out, it looked just like a compressed log of beef jerky, and pooping it was just as difficult as eating it.    
  I went to trafffic court to contest a speeding ticket and the white middle class, clean cut, college kid who was before me seems to have run into some bad luck.Seems he's driving his mother's car home from work late one night in town. He doesn't have his license with him. He's going a bit fast. He hears a siren. He looks at his rear-view mirror. Shit, he thinks, it's a cop. While he was looking back, he runs a red light. Now, he gets scared. He punches the accelerator and tries to flee. He sees a side street at the next traffic light and illegally passes the car stopped at light on the shoulder/inside lane and turns right. Ooops. Its a one-way street and he's going up it the wrong way. The cop is still behind him. It's a narrow street with cars parked on both sides and room for a single lane of traffic. Unnerved by the flashing light behind him, he careens off of an SUV on his right side, and grazes a roto-rooter van parked on the left. As he approaches the end of the street, a Ford Bronco turns down the street and blocks his exit. Rather than stop, he swerves to avoid it, taking out $500 worth of a retired lady's bird bath, garden gnome and black jockey statue dude holding a lantern. But the real indictment of his intelligence was when he told the judge: "Your honor - I wasn't even drinking!"  
  working at target several years ago:  in the breakroom with a friend. local channel on the TV. cheap bastards wouldn't put cable in there.   "Xena: Lesbian Princess" comes on and we make fun of it. and this other guy in the breakroom? he takes the show for real. he thinks it's based in fact.  this is why i don't work at target anymore.   
   Tropical Marine Fish 101   (Yeah, where can he pull a LowBrow moment out of a title like that?)  I walk into the pet store in Newton, MA, and they've just taken in a fresh delivery of fish. I'm all excited to see what they have, but they don't have them in the tanks yet -- they're all sitting on the floor in open plastic basins. I notice some really gorgeous marine Lionfish  (pterans volitans) , but I don't do marine, since their collection methods are so destructive (like dynamiting reefs, or poisoning  them enough so that they can catch them, but not enough that they won't last for a few weeks until you've bought them).  (OK, OK, very educational, you smartass showoff, but WHERE'S the LowBrow?)  I glance back up the aisle. I cute 3 year-old girl is cooing over the "neat fishes" on the floor. Her mother is far away, ignoring her. She reaches down to pet a Lionfish. Time stops. If you or I touched a dorsal spine of a Lionfish, we would be in agony for days, and might wish we were dead. A 30 pound toddler wouldn't have time to wish. I cover the distance in no time and roughly grab her up. She starts to cry. Her mother looks around, screams, and attacks me, clawing chunks out of my face. I hand the kid to her, and try to explain that I maybe just saved her life. She: "Pterans Volitans my ass, you sick fuck! I'm calling the police!" She did. They came. I explained. The moronic storeworker looked "pterans volitans" up in the book, and turned gray. The cops read it, shook my hand, and left. The mom spat in my face. Aaah, Newton, MA. I don't exactly miss it.  
  Friend: i'm now fucking paranoid that you put stuff i said on that site and reading lowbrow >:/   God I'm such an asshole.  Oh well.  
  While being in SF for the WarParty at a co-op (i don't remember the name) I was manning the door, collecting money and giving stamps.  I was drunk as all hell, and then the cops show up.  The cop comes up the steps and wants to talk to someone who lives in the house.  He probably thought i lived there cuz i was collecting money.  He asked if i lived there, i said no, i live in san diego.  Then he tries to get past me, and I ask him if he has a stamp.  He looks at me weirdly and says no.  I then tell him that he has to pay 5 bucks in order to get in the house.  At that time someone who actually lived in the house comes down and talks to the cop.  damnit, that would have been so cool if i was able to get 5 bucks from the cop and stamp his hand.    
  conversation with a girl at the main office of a university i am applying to:  me: can i have guidance, please?  her: (voice sounding more than a little dubious) erm, what kind guidance do you need?  no baby, the guidance OFFICE.  though i do have to admire her profoundly existential world view.  i wonder what she would have said if i'd replied "spiritual".  
  I notice a lot of moments about "those damn greasy pimple covered kids working at (nameless fast-food restaurant)" and how someone thinks they've got the upperhand, the last witty retort, the better life.   It's fucking hilarious when you see one of those kids jump over the counter waving a knife around.  
  "You see nomah at the gahden last night? It was wicked pissah!" "I'll blow yuh fuckin head off you tiahd fuckin drag queen!" Fuck you, Massholes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A dream I had: In a girls house whom I'm very interested in. She turns to me, in a bathrobe. She slowly lowers it, showing off a nice pair of under garments. She then says, "If you leave now, you'll never get any of this." To which I replied, "Oh, that's no problem, I already have a bathrobe." Then I drive away.  I still don't know what to think of that dream, but I do know that's not how it should have gone.   
  i just laughed so hard at a lowbrow moment, i blew a snot on my shirt.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ever wonder why there is braille on the drive up atm?  
  used to work photoshop shit at this nice office building in chapel hill.   took shits at work regularly.  taking a smash in the bathroom one day, i have my newspaper, i'm in no hurry.  no one enters the bathroom for about fifteen minutes.  that's when the fucking energy-saving function kicks in and the lights go completely out.  folks, if you don't think trying to wipe your ass in pitch blackness is hard, then i dare you to try.  i had to hobble myself, pants around ankles, all the way over to the door to trigger the lights on again, praying my boss wouldn't walk in.  then again, i hated the boss so much, i kinda wish he'd walked in.   
  I once saw a girl pissing into a bin.  She dropped her trousers, hoisted herself above the bin and let loose.  Classy.  
  I asked a girl out the other day and she refused. "Are you a lesbian or sometning?" I inquired. No, she assured me, she just isn't into ugly guys.  
  I get pissed that I was too young for all that trashy, coke-sniffin', leotard-wearin', big-hair-jizzin'-in sex during the '80s.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just saw the new Gwyneth Paltrow movie, "View From the Top."  There is a scene where she is laying on her stomach with her legs in the air, showing the camera the bottoms of her feet and wiggling her toes.  When that movie comes out on DVD I will be "freeze framing" and masturbating to those images repeatedly.  
  "Look," I patiently explained again, "you can't put anything on layaway. Ever. The manager said the last two times you never paid any more on them or picked them up. It screws up the stock situation." "What if," she replied, looking sly, "if I only layaway things nobody wants?" Yeah, okay, you can do that.  
  i knew he slept naked, he liked to brag about it... the girls and i decide to get him back for being an asshole to me just because his friends were there... tobasco sauce in hand, i unzip his tent, assure the half conscious and nude man that i just wanted company... believe me when i say that the next morning the man screamed like a fuckin baby :)  
  I'd been waiting for three months for my brand spankin new sportbike (a Yamaha Yzf-R1)to arrive at the local dealership.  They called me during lunch to let me know it was in, and I could come pick it up anytime.  I raced over and told them they could drive my 89 civic, cause by god, I was gonna drive this beautiful bike home today.  I parked it right by my office window, and spent the rest of the day accomplishing nothing but looking at my bike out the window.  I decided not to call my wife and tell her it had arrived.  I don't know if this was a good move or bad move...  As soon as 5:30 hit I ran outta the building, jumped on my bike and rocketed away.  It's a great bike by the way.   I come to the first stoplight, and whaddya know, here pulls up a brand new Porsche 911 turbo.  The 50 year old yuppie looked shocked when I revved my engine madly at him.  The light went green, and I fucking cremated him, and pissed in the ashes.  He ran the next red light, just to avoid the embarrasment of getting beat a second time.  Next up, is a Toyota Supra, which looks heavily modified.  He looks at me, and this time, he does the revving.  I knod my head, and crouch, getting ready for the green.  I see him reach in back and open up his can 'o nitrous.  I'm a little worried this time, but again, the light turns green and I decimate my opponent.  I get on the highway with an ear to ear grin and notice a cop  a ways up.  I decide: "what the hell" and deep wrist it rocketing to 155 from 70 in a pornographic amount of butterfly-time.  I fly past the cop with middle finger extended behind my back, and to my shock, and dissapointment, he just momentarily flashes his lights and gives no chase.  Bummer.  I reckon I averaged out at about 130 the rest of the way home.  When I drove the civic home, I averaged about 60.  I was making it home in less than half the time it normally took.    I do a wheely for one of the neighbor kids, and drive right past the red pickup in front of my house.  I giddely jump off my bike, and run in the house, into my bedroom, where my wife is getting fucked doggystyle by a plumber who drove the red pickup.    We're divorced now.  All my friends say I drive really slow now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend comes up to me the other day and says   "I FOUND JESUS"  I thougth "OH BOY! WE ARE GONNA BE RICH"  it turns out he ment something else... life can really get  you down sometimes.      
  my brothers and I once got together to hang out at a cabin, drink beer, play cards and catch up. There were only two rooms in the cabin and it was determined that our youngest brother would take one of the rooms by himself, due to his legendary snoring, resulting from sleep apnea.  my other brother and I had a bit of fun and made sport of his condition...jokes about earplugs, walls rattling, that sort of thing. All in good fun, of course. Ha Ha Ha  that night, I had terrible gas and had repeated and unending farts and by morning the room absolutely reeked.  during breakfast, both of my brothers let me know of my new nickname:  'leaky butt' and the next time we have to determine rooms, I could have my own.  does that mean I have Fart Apnea?  
  Was on the air with one of those radio call in shows, talking about some movie...then I heard this click... I muttered "...so you hung up on me, you mother fucker!.."   Them my wife, who was listening to the radio in the next room came storming in...turns out the host got cut off, and I was going out loud and clear, uncensored.   Take that, FCC.   
  "My generation just doesn't cook," she said, as another 39-cent burrito lumped down her gullet.        
  So I'm talking to my friend the day after I nailed his older sister in the bathroom ofthe local movie theater, and he starts going off about some time i made a total ass of my self in front of some girl i liked in high school when i was drunk, and there's a freaking platoon of people i don't want to hear this shit around, so i pipe up and say, "Hey dude, your sister likes it when I slap her in the face with my Dick"   The next thing I know, I'm in the emergency room. The bastard knocked me out with a chair leg.  
  This is by far the best thing I've ever done as far as low brow goes.  I decided I'd change my profile on hotmail.  I thought it would be cool to be born during the Renaissance.  Well I wasn't paying attention and didn't enter month or day born.  When I finaly caught that I just entered Jan 1st and because I wasn't thinking just entered my year born as the example given next to the field so show you need 4 digits.  Well the example was 1999.  So now I have a hotmail account registered to a 4 year old.  Of course I need an adult's consent to use hotmail now.  I'm old enough to have an account myself (19) so I figured since I've had a working one already I'd just make a dummy account and give my consent for the old email.  Well hotmail is smarter than that.  They require a credit card to prove I'm an adult.  Dammit!  So I look for a way to contact some one and tell them I botched it and need some help.  I cannot find anything anyone on hotmail that gives me an email for a human.  What else would I expect from Microsoft?  So now, not only can I not use my hotmail account because I'm "not old enough" but I can't use my MSN account now either!!  This is the peak of stupidity for me, and now it is on display for your reading pleasure.    You may notice my email below is not a hotmail account.  Well I've never used that email here before, I've always used this one but I no longer have the option of using a fake email when I do something I'd rather people not know I did, but still want to post.  I find it funny anyways.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About a month after breaking up with my serious girlfreind of 2 years, i saw her at a party in my hometown.  I preceeded to drink way more than I can hold as usual, and at the end of the night I was completly blacked out.  I woke up in a wet couch and my ex sleeping on the hard floor,  "Im sorry, here have the couch, get some good sleep"  "Ummm no thanks, you pissed all over it."  "oh my god did i really?"  "yeah and i was in it"  only thing i could do was laugh.  bought her lunch that day.  She forgave me.  I guess spending $8 at freindlys on a girl can make up for a unwanted drunken golden shower. Huh.  
  having coffee with a friend, i reach for my favorite pink packet of sweetner. "oh, my GAWD!" moans said friend. Suddenly I am steamrolled with a list of cancer causing agents found in my friendly pink packet which ends with the tidbit "and it turns to fermaldahyde in your stomache!" i am not paying any attention, of course, because i am too fascinated by the cigarette dangling precariously between her lips, bouncing with each syllable yet never falling or ashing. she's been smoking for 20 years. of course she's an expert on cancer. pass me another sweet n low, bitch!  
  "I'm sorry son, not today.  Please put that back." I said, sharing a knowing smile with the toy store cashier.  "Yes, dad, today!" my 4yr-old said, punching me squarely in the groin.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  We were buying chocolate syrup, and whip cream, and condoms... The cashier thought something was going on, I invited him over to join the gathering of us, and to bring his favorite ice cream topping.. We were drinking; he thought there was an orgy. The look on his face was priceless when I poured him a glass of vodka with the cholocate syrup and some pop...taking mixed shots, dumbass! I love screwing with people.  
  I have long hair.  But how the hell does it end up in my ass crack!?  And sometimes, I get this one long hair wrapped around the folds of my dick.  A thin strand of hair REALLY hurts if you don't slowly search for its origin.  Why does that happen?  
  I love going to the local concerts in my suburb. I always know how every band is going to sound. 2 guys are going to pound out 2 cords with their fists, the bassist is going to be too drunk to play, the drummer will forget which song their playing, and the lead singer will scream out random words, but he'll scream them so loud you couldn't care less anyway.  I love these "hardcore" bands.  I think hardcore is another way of saying "no musical talent".  
  the quote is:  Most fun restaurant I've ever been to is a place called Dick's Last Resort. The waitresses were all hired for their abilities to mess with the customers' minds. One walked up to my table, shoved me off my chair and sat down, exclaiming "My god, I'm so damn tired. I need a beer."  After the meal, we were dividing up the check and she came over to kibbitz about the math, while we began to fuss about whose turn it was to leave the tip. "Tip?" she yelled. "Tip? Hell, you should put me through college. Damn right I need a tip!"   She never even blinked when I reached out and tweaked her nipple, telling her she was doing fine in the tip department.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   ---------------------------------------  as it so happens, ive been there too. i was too young for a place like that...maybe 10 years old?  i have no clue  anyways, they made me wear a paper hat that said "i eat poo" and kept calling me names  should have been a bad night....but i just stared at the pictures of half naked woman lining all of the walls.  and i dont remember if we tipped the waitress  
  After just having my kangaroo boots re-soled and heeled, I slipped them on and carefully pulled my Levi pants legs over them (the Texas way to wear boots).  I stood up, looked at my myself in my large mirror - ooh, I looked good. Then did my "walk the walk" and immediately slipped on the carpet and fell on my ass.  
  ...and then I told her that she was nothing more than a two-bit whore.  I don't remember much after she hit me with her bag of quarters.  
   The cook pinched her ass at work. She yelled at him and he fired her. I found this only by accident, she didn't want me to find out. She knew how I'd react. She really needed the money too. Chris never said anything to convince her to stand up for herself, he knew she'd get mad. Yeah, he cares alright, careful that he always kisses her ass and never makes her angry. Load of shit.  "It's no big deal, it's not like he raped me"  I wonder (and worry) what she'll tell herself when someone gropes her or corners her or hits her or rapes her  Still she gets irritated with me, insists she can take care of herself. I'm sure she could, if she wasn't too afraid to make a stand.          
  So when your lying in bed and want to bring up the subject of your significant other taking a dump on your chest... well how DO you sugest that?   "Honey" "Yes Dear" "Did you like your Mexican food" "Why yes" "Mine is shooting through me like a greased monkey, how about yours?" "Yah, me too" "Well why don't you just plop that big load on my chest then rub it all through my chest hair with your nubile fingers" "Sure thing just let me grab some TP from the bathroom"  Maybe that is how I'll bring it up...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         isn't it great to have an alcoholic mother??   i love hearing "fuck em harder you son of a bitch" from my mom while she is drunk.  that'll give ya some good dreams.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ladies - sooner or later, one way or the other, you're gonna end up screwing a married guy.  Either you'll get stinking drunk, or he'll lie about being single, or some other confluence of events will conspire to make it happen.  So you may as well take control and choose to do it of your own volition, that's all I'm saying.  
  my friend weighs 250ilbs and drives a sports car.  he is trying to lose a lot of weight to make his 1/4 mile time better  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I was damn near ready to kill Jay on the deck. Then he threw a beer at Kevin's head and got sprayed with the pressure hose for his trouble. We staggered to the playground and Timmy ended up in this weird ball cup on a pole contraption, beyond our reach. Back on the deck we discussed world events, and the basement had become some bizzare skating rink after Raji's birthday cake ended up all over the floor and walls (slippery). I came to find Mina's tightly clothed roommate very attractive both physically and intellectually (intelligence and awareness of reality is so rare these days). Jay, being the cheap pimp he is, was making cheap pimp moves on her all night, my presence being the only thing stopping him from trying even cheaper ones. Alas soon his stripper skanks showed up, sat on his lap, and smoked his pot, keeping him distracted. The merry making continued with cigs and joints and beers and boles and booze from a 25 gallon tub full of ice and various brands and proofs.   At 3:30 we burried my just-deceased cat at the bottom of the hill, with bagpipes blaring. My neighbor didn't appreciate this, nor the ten foot bonfire, but she retreated after being met with severe verbal counterattacks.   Then only Timmy, Tim, Kevin, Jay and I remained. The worst of the worst plus one pimp. What transpired is unkown beyond me sending Mina the email message "yourroomateIwnattopenetrateherwhilesuckinghernipplesonthefloorortheshore" for the sum of one dollar, payed in full, by Timmy.    The next day I was reprimanded by Mina for both the message and for almost assualting Jay with a board torn from my deck gate.   Jay had threatened me in my own house, was trying to cop a feel on her roomate most of the night, and repeatedly told her he wanted to fuck said roomate. But he's a "nice guy", she says he makes people feel comfortable. I took that as "he has a good marketing ploy, and can get away with anything without need of honesty or competence".   I, the blatantly honest bastard who refuses to beat around the bush and will point out one's true intentions, caring not a damn for the pleasentries of pretension, am not "nice" it seems though. I am to be scorned as crude and mean and cold (and horny).    Ah, well..... this sort of thing it seems will happen when people let me drink vodka out of a measuring cup all night. Fuck it man, we all die in the end, and given the choice between the epitaphs:   "You always knew where you stood with this bastard."  or  "Here lies a nice guy."   my choice is clear.      
  "I never get seasick," the elderly British woman said gleefully to me in the passengers' lounge, "but my son can't sail at all. He's taken two Dramamine already!" Half an hour later, on the hovercraft in the middle of the Channel, she was puking her guts out while he slept.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  My friend walked up the stairs from the bathroom. We passed the drummer for the band we had just finished seeing, and she said, "The last time I saw you guys you spit on me." When he went through the motions of drummer mumble for some kind of apology, the wide gap from missing front teeth was made obvious. "No," she said. "That was the moment I fell in love with you."   Five minutes later she was borrowing my last five dollars to go on the road with him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  they began to wrestle over the sunglasses in the middle of the parking lot. they were evenly matched- one was taller and skinnier and the other was shorter and more stout. I think I spent the whole time laughing at them. that is, right after I grabbed the sunglasses for myself.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Yeah, like all men, he whacks off when he thinks I've fallen asleep.  Doesn't matter if we just did it a half hour before or not for days... he's over there, whacking off.   So I like to pretend to roll over, or fake halfway waking up, just to see him stop suddenly and try to fake like he's not up to it.  Sometimes I twitch around like a dog shitting peach pits.  About four times of interruption and he goes to sleep, unwhacked.   I just grin myself back to dreamland.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so im sitting in my english class today, and im staring at this kid. now, hes pretty popular, nice looking, hot girlfriend, the usual jock. well, while im staring at him he sneezes into his hand. he looks at his hand, and then proceeds to lick the newly-sneezed snot off of his hand. then he sneezes again, looks down at his hand. apparently there wasnt anything there this time, because he just muttered "damn" and set his hand back in his lap.  
  Cambridge, MA, 1988, I go to a beach party. In February. My friend has his thermostat turned up to 90&deg;, and pink plastic flamingos are out on the lawn and lining the stairs. Up in the attic he's trucked in about 1/2 ton of sand, and some plastic palm trees, and a kiddy splash pool. Some friend in Hawaii sent him hours of tapes of some Hawaii radio station playing good music, so that's on constantly. Just a bit weird and excessive, no? NO! The place is full of women in bikinis! My friend is a genius with a wonderful sense of fun! I hadn't seen a naked thigh belonging to a stranger since last summer. Pure heaven! I have a wonderful time, splashing in the pool with giggling cuties, judging the wet T-shirt contest... When I leave, I kidnap two of the flamingos from the lawn, and hold them for ransom. I paste together a ransom notice from the newspaper, demanding that he signal his acceptance by requesting "Pretty Flamingo" by Manfred Mann on WBCN. He ignores me. I take an inflatable flamingo I have, let the air out of it and mail it to him, telling him (in pasted newsprint, again) that I'll suck the life out of the other one too, if he doesn't pay up. He ignores me completely. I guess his sense of fun only applies when he's driving...  
  how boring the life of a gas guage must be...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         /* Most people miss their marriage, or enjoy being single, but I am fairly certain that I will be the person to miss my divorce, itself. */ 26 May 2001  
  I uninstalled mIRC from my computer the day I realized using it was like answering the door when you just KNEW there was a pedophile, religious nutcase tard on the other side.  Now all I have for cyber-social outlet is the Brow.  
   Deer Season: Bragging Rights  Sitting with my wife in a sorry little country bar with a bunch of sorry big rednecks bragging about their deer-hunting skills. RN1: "I got me a 10-pointer and a doe this year!" It goes on ad nauseum. Fuck this. Me: "My wife here has already bagged three deer this season, and she's gunnin' for more." My tiny 4'10" wife grabs my arm and tells me to shush. No way. Me: "She doesn't even bother with a hunting license - she just kills them. Gets away with it, too -- our freezer is bursting with venison." Rednecks look at her. She weighs about 105 lb. She's starting to get into it. RN2: " Three  deer? What does she use? A rifle? That's illegal!" Me: "No, she kills them with a dart." Annie snorts beer out of her nostrils and doubles up. She knows where I'm going. RN3: "You mean like a blow gun? With that poison ... eh ... curry on it?" Me: "No. Look out the window! See that Dart out there? The '73 Dodge Dart with the bashed-in front?"  
  I knew my neighborhood was improving when two things happened: 1. the puffdaddy ghettoboy megabass stereo assholes on the corner finally got thrown out. 2. the local chapel closed due to lack of interest. Now if I can just get rid of the retarded deaf dog on the corner...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother had a party.  This girl got drunk and started letting any guy who crawled into the back of this truck with her screw her.  On the third guy, a guy decided it was wrong, since she was drunk, and when the guy got out of the truck naked, he started shooting him with a roman candle.  The guy takes off, buck naked, into the darkness - and runs right into my brother's electified cow fence.    
  I said:  "I'll be your bitch, your baby, your whore.   I'll be whoever, whatever you want me to be.    He said:  "You already are,   but that's not enough."  
  "Moving Tip #48  "Do not use packing tape for painful practical jokes."  Found on the side of a Budget rental truck.   
  The face. I make this grimmice when I'm lifting something heavy or when I'm deep into a videogame. It's the same face I make while fucking. Women love to point this out to me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was a dude on my dorm floor in college. He like to drink but not too much, you know ok student and everything. One day me a my roomate decided to turn this guy onto weed. Now my roomate was from a small town and they grew some killer shit. He would get it from this Vietnam vet in a brown paper bag.  Within a week this cat bought himself a one hitter & a fat bag. All he did the rest of the semester was toke down and drink Wild Turkey.  We never saw him again....  I think he was studying to be a forest ranger.  
  My boyfriend told me I looked like a perfectly respectable baby bull dyke who would have no problem getting a date at Harriet's.  Well.  *I* liked my haircut.  
  He stepped away, wondering I think why I ordered two half pints.  It turned out he didn't have to wait for the guiness to settle in the small glass, enabling him to be rid of me faster.  "Cheers" we said in unison.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was IN LOVE with this girl from the first time I saw her (in the park, playing manhunt at the age of 13.).  Eight years later, she introduces herself to me at a bar, gives me her number, and tells me that she really likes me, having no idea who a am, not even realizing that we lived two blocks from each other and were only a grade apart in a very small high school.  We hang out a couple of times, but being the sort of guy who has NEVER made the first move, it evolves into one of those incredibly uncomfortable, awkward friendships, the kind I have with almost every girl I have ever known.  This goes on for about a year, until I get wasted at a party and she calls.  She tells me her parents are away and she wants me to come over.  Her house is on my way home, so sure, what the fuck, why not?  I stop over, we talk, hang out, smoke, and as I'm walking inside to go to the bathroom, she kisses me.  My head is reeling!  I'm dizzy with excitement.  I go to the bathroom, and as I'm on my way back outside to the deck, I vomit all over the place.  Turns out the dizziness wasn't caused by the kiss, but by the huge blunt of kind bud on top of the case of budweiser I had drank earlier.  Well, she walked me home, and I'll be damned if the awkwardness wasn't gone from our relationship. Unfortunately, so was any chance for romance.  Another lifelong obsession down the drain.  Go me.  
  My friends and I were all really stoned and driving down Ventura Boulevard (aka one of the best known streets in the US).  I was driving my friend Tim's car because he was too baked to handle it.  Instead, before we left, he grabbed a couple of oranges and some hard acorn like things.  There was this old guy, probably about 60, standing on the corner of a street.  Tim goes, "Watch...", and suddenly I see this big orange go flying out of the car.  It hit the guy right inbetween the eyes.  A simultaneous, "Oh Shit!", and I look back to see the guy on his knees holding his face.  A few hours and a lot of laughs later I say, "Think about it.  We were going 45 miles an hour and you threw that thing pretty hard at his skull."  Tim goes, "Yup."  That must have really hurt.  
  Squinting up at her on the balcony, back-lit by a streetlamp, I decided, yup, she's a man...  
  He gathered everyone around him.  The highly reverred teacher who is known for his knowledge on the subject.  He guestured to the glass-blowing tube and, in a matter of fact tone, announced, "don't touch it!  You'll sizzle.  ... in chem-izzle."  
  I walked into my non posh bachelor pad and noticed a giant black beetle in the middle of the floor. I motioned to it and off it ran under my sofa.  I moved my sofa seven times and only once did I see it.  I had something to put him in once I caught him to take him outside.. being the karma freak I am.  Needless to say I was outsmarted by the bug.. he's still chilling under my sofa, and I'm going to bed.  You know you've given up when you've just come to except whatever it is..  G'night sue the "I hope you're not a cockroach" beetle.  
  Having been there, I appreciated the silkscreened tee i saw the other day.  Simply, it read, "My wife went to divorce court and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."  Even better... a bumpersticker on the way home read "Honk if you'd like to see my finger."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in the hospital, about to get my pinky amputated, when the nurses start to surround me, bent on removing my piercings. A hot blonde who apparently had tried out to be a Vikings cheer- leader, took down the top of my hospital gown, and examined my nipple piercings, determining how to go about removing them.   Had my left pinky not been a bloody piece of bone, I would've had quite the girl-boner.  
  I was doing the grocery shopping for me and my roommate at the Albertson's down the street. I was putting packages of hamburger into the cart when I looked up and saw the banner stretched across the butcher's department. YOU CAN'T BEAT OUR MEAT. I honestly thought I might die laughing, right there in the store.   
    A friend said to me,   One time, I was at a party one time, and I was talking to my friend.  He said something that was really funny, but instead of laughing, I just blurted out 'Laugh out Loud!!!'.  And do you know how fucking stupid that sounds when you say it outloud???      
  why are they all crazy episode two. her: "look, it's over... you aren't ready to commit, i need more than that.  just friends from now on... ok? me: "cool by me." her: "well, we probably shouldn't be friends... it just won't work.  just take me home." me: "we both know you're not gonna be able to turn this off... you'll be calling in a week." her: "you're right... i like you... but just friends, ok?  nothing else..." me: "i said that's fine." her: "ok then... just friends... don't play footsie with me... friends... that's it..." then she gave me head while i was taking her home. what the fuck is that? though i'm not gonna complain.   
  i ate a whole package of oreo cookies in a 24 hour period.  i then pinched a loaf and noticed my crap was the same color as the dark chocolate cookie exterior.  i leaned in to see if i could see the letters O-R-E-O imprinted on my floating accomiplishment.  nope, my ass must have messed up the letters.  my tummy hurts.  
  One of the companies I worked for built a sand volleyball court for the employees. One day me and several others are outside playing.   Now, one of these cats was a body builder wanna be, and took all that protien crap, liver pills, and ate nothing but tuna all the time. He was at the baseline getting ready to serve and I'm at the oppisite end.  All of a sudden I see everyone running off the court and this guys just laughing his ass off.....  Right about then the fucking smell hits me. Holy Christ, it was the nastiest fart anyone has ever experienced. I mean even with a slight breeze this gas attack covered an entire volleyball court.  Nobody ever pulled his finger again.....  
  quote when faced with inevitable choice of paintthinner or beating i ll take the beating everytime gives me an undeniable justification for kicking someones fucking ass at a later date when no ones expecting it endquote        
  Me and a bunch of girlfriends were at our usual Monday night club. It was a weekly event for us poor students, as it was cheap beer. One of our gang, lets call her Girl X, disappeared to the toilet. The rest of us continued pushing cheap beers down our necks and danced to the cheesy music. After a short while we realised that Girl X had been gone quite a while. Three of us went to the toilets, where we fully expected to see her collapsed in a pool of vomit. However, she was stood by the sink, crying. All she could do was point at the booth she had been in. Apparently she was so desperate to pee that she had chosen a toilet with a big poo on the back of the seat - yes - a full turd. She intended to hover over the seat and pee. Nice idea, bad move. She was so intoxicated that she wobbled backward in mid-hover and sat in the turd.  Someone elses turd. Still warm.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Limbo Makes It In America  My first real job is yard-boy at a fancy sports car dealer. Polishing cars, swabbing floors, anything the mechanics don't want to do. I dive into it, eager to prove that I can work as hard as the vaunted Americans. I'm also making $2.50/hour, which is four times as much as my dad ever made. Even though I hit a cop car with a brand-new Alfa Romeo first time I went on an errand, the owner takes a shine to me, and gives me a couple special projects. One day he comes back to where I'm stripping an old "cake-of-soap" Porsche down to the frame, prior to restoration. He watches thoughtfully, then suddenly announces: "You are the best yard-boy I've ever had. I'm giving you a raise to $3.50, and backdating it to when you started working for me." I've made it in America! I can cut it over here! Oh, Brave New World!  
  Today whilst volunteering at my local hospital, someone came in for some type of appointment.  Not knowing where to send them, I asked to see a piece of paper they had on which the appointment was written.  On the paper were the words, "Rectal Prolapse."  Whoa.  
  *Me in the car waiting for a green light & my conversation with the guy next to me*  Him: I love jesus! Me: That's fantastic. Him: You should read Corinthians 7-11 it talks specifically about the male sex. Me: You should shut the fuck up.  *green light*  
  I sat in traffic for nearly an hour, trying to get to the mall from my house, just sitting there, staring at the car infront of me, waiting, the car didn't budge, and I only live 13 minutes away from the mall. So I sat there, from 7:15 till 8:00, waiting for the car to move. I just blamed the waiting on the UofM football game. At 8:00 I realized I was sitting behind a parked car.  
  last night when I got back to the train station after work, there was an Asian couple, standing by their car looking all distressed.  The front passenger window had been smashed in.  At first I felt a little bad, but then I thought, serves them right for taking up two spaces with their tiny VW Golf.   It makes me feel a little better about the world, that people would rather steal from some random person who was being an idiot, rather than just some random person.  
  I drop a stack of magazines and books on a table in the Border's cafe, and slump down in a chair facing a guy and two chicks. One of them was pretty hot, all gothed out and wearing a weird black muppetskin hat with little ears, a look that seemed to suggest, "I'm the cutest little thing that'll ever tear your throat out by the teeth." She's just intriguing enough that I eavesdrop on their conversation.  I had trouble following it, but the girls were exchanging stories about parental discipline when they were kids (one was never punished for anything, the other was beaten within an inch of her life), and the guy talked v e r y  -  s l o w l y . Later on, the not-cute chick starts babbling about how decaf coffee is poisoned with horrible chemicals. My head begins to hurt, so I just slump down deeper, half-sitting/half-lying in the chair.   They get up to leave, and the decaf-ranter goes first to drop off her books. As the other two pass, I make eye-contact and say, "You can decaffeinate coffee beans by rolling them in plain old filtered water." Gothy-chick says, "Really?" I say, "Yup." Guy looks down at my crotch. "I like your belt."  Um.  
  We're all sitting around, drunk.  Somehow the topic of where you were when you first jacked off.  Mohammed, the Somali immigrant, says, "I did it in front of a bunch of camels."  We laughed for hours.  Mohammed doesn't talk to us anymore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            mwuu: look i just typed like sorry i must be cool now sorry: no you must be a dick now mwuu: how uncharectoristically lacking in wit sorry: i hadda dummy it down ya know playing to the audience as you have been the previous thirty odd years of you life  my tongue stapled to the bar i gaped  dont sound like a great comeback but to never get ripped on by the sorry bastard (whilst dishing it out to him regularly) and for him to hit it on the head--the thing i feared the most in my life (at that point) with such glib elan made me pay the tabs of the next thirty six (exactly) places at which  we (he, his wife and I) ate and drank  pokepoke nuclear radiation blast still havent recouped       
  Sitting in a late night restaurant at two AM, listening to a man named Cornbread sing the blues.  Some young swine came in, you know, with fake tans and highlights, and asked for separate checks and complained about their eggs.  The waiter asked them to leave.  He came over to our table, turned a chair backwards and sat down.  He extricated the cigarette that had been behind his ear all night, fished around in his cummerbund for matches, lit it, and said, "We don't need that kind of thing here."        
  sitting in bio class talking about gymnosperm reproduction(evergreen trees mainly).  Teacher mentions that pollen from these trees is pretty much tree sperm.  Dumb bitch whore raises her hand and says, "i have trouble breathing when i get all that sperm in my throat"  unbelievably it takes her five minutes to get what she has just said  
  When typing "hotmail.com" into your browser, be sure not to type "hotmale.com". It's not the same thing.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Cutting six years of hair off my head through the simple expedient of standing in front of a mirror with a hank of hair from the back of my head in one hand and scissors in the other.  The process is complicated by the phone crushed between head and shoulder: my mother on the line, describing my father's surgery.  "He seemed groggy but upbeat when he came out of the general aenesthetic."     "Uh-huh.  That's great... OH SHIT.  Oh my God, what have I DONE?"  Multi-tasking personal alteration and family crisis: not the greatest idea i ever had.  
  It's Labor Day. What am I doing working at the porn store?  To make up for this, I've devised a little game to play with the customers. If they won't talk to me, I won't talk to them. The only words I'll speak to them is the price. I won't smile or look them in the eyes. The worst part about this is probably no one will notice anything different, because I think that's the kind of service they want here.  Oh, and if they do that shit where they put the money on the counter instead of handing it to me, I'm not touching it.  Let them fucking wait with their holiday boners.  All my customers can rot in fucking hell.  
   Maturity Approaching  My six year-old, just before we head out on our bicycles to the park: "Wait! I'm going to the bathroom, so that I don't moan and whine all the way to the park." I love my boy.  
  I'm getting in the elevator at work and then I see this guy walking towards me across the lobby. We make eye contact and his pace picks up. Ah, he wants to catch the elevator. So I quickly start reaching up to hold the door open for him...  ...and the fucker slows his pace back down! Oh, I see, now that I'm going to hold it for you, you suddenly have all fucking day to make it across the lobby? Suddenly, I decide I don't want this guy in my elevator. So I stop my forward-reaching motion, deciding to just let the doors close.  Well, he notices my shift in body language, I guess. He realizes I'm not going to hold the door open after all. So he speeds back up-- if he hurries he can just slip in as the doors start to close.  But I've decided this guy is NOT getting in my elevator now. So I lift my hand again, make a little surprised face like somehow I didn't realize he wasn't going to make it, reach up to hold the door open again...  ...and he hesistates for just a second, unsure whether I'm going to do it this time or not, unsure whether he should sprint like a mad dog or go ahead and saunter after all.  It's just enough time, and by the time he realizes I faked him out, the doors are closing.   
  I sent in the final check for my new car. I'd paid it off early, to save on interest. I'd made a huge downpayment, and so paid off the car in just six months.  The next day, I was waiting in the drive-thru to get breakfast. The line was pretty long. People were getting impatient.  The person in the monstrous Chevrolet truck in front of me...schmacked straight into my car while trying to back out of the line.      
  I work in a call center in the ghetto.  I put the smiling voice on for AT&T.  It's called outsourcing: you get fucked on raises while they tell you how great your work is and give you a fucking candy bar and a balloon.  How the hell is that gonna pay my rent / insurance / baby's medical bills?  My company makes about $40 for every call I answer.  I answer about 4 calls an hour. I make $12 an hour, while some red headed nazi refuses to sign my pay raise because I left her project because she is a racist bigot, and I wanted a raise.  I still got fucked.  Thanks for calling AT&T.  
  It's Mardi Gras here and instead of being out and going 'wild', I'm up at 5:30AM reading lowbrow moments.  You think that's lowbrow?  HAH! Well, I don't care!  Take THAT made-up-holiday-just-to-get-drunk   ryan: 1, louisiana (drinking) holidays: 0  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was riding my bike home at 10 PM after work one night.  I see a figure in the darkness, and scream and scream and scream.  Of course I scare the shit out of him, too, so he's drunk and goes up to say what's up.  We end up making out right there on the sidewalk with me still straddled on my bike.  Then we decide to go across the street and make out at the high school, since we both graduated there 10 years apart.  We briefly date, until I found out that he was homeless, carless, an alchoholic, an Asian fetishist, AND a Born Again Christian who thought it would be a great blessing to convert my rotton little soul.    Amazing what kind of guys you can find in an affluent suburb.  
  In the middle of writing a program, I was once distracted enough to eat a huge bag of baby carrots in one sitting.  I pissed carrot juice out my ass for two days after that.  
  I'm still bitter about my Roadside Auto Parts t-shirt that's been "missing" since my junior year of college. Red, old, thin as hell. I took it from my dad's stash of "working on cars" clothes. It read- Our Parts Are Not Private  
  on a box of candles it says do not expose to extreme heat  wh the hell would you ever put a box in something flaming hot?  and what would happen to the candles if you did?  if multiple candles are lit right next to each other do they have this magic power to kill and destroy?  
  in middle school my friends and i used to ride our bikes to the store and buy tons of packs of bubble gum.  $0.50 a pack, five pieces per pack.  we'd go to school and sell them for a quarter a piece or a $1 a pack.  we made a ton of money for middle-school kids.  then some kids tried to kick my friend's ass in a gum-deal-gone-bad.  that's when we realized sellin gum for profit wasn't such a good idea.  
  I didn't set out to plan this.  It just sort of happened.  I have an online art gallery.  Through this art gallery I've met this girl that lives in Malaysia.  She is beautiful.  She is going to strip for me on her web cam.  I've got to find something that can record the stream.  
  I had a bad, bad dream.    I unlock the door, put my keys and wallet on the table, yell, "Hey, I'm home!"  My wife, from the kitchen, announces she's cooking dinner.  I come in and, feeling a little like a couple in a commercial, I put my arms around her as she stands by the stove.  With one hand I lift the lid on the pot.  It's a long curved turd boiling in urine.  
   Growing Up In Scotland  There's a famous Monty Python skit about Yorkshiremen who try to out-brag each other on their tough lives. Anyway, back to Scotland. Twice a year, we'd go to the movies. We'd walk three miles to Penicuik, the nearest movie theater. I started doing this when I was 4. It never crossed my parents' minds to get a newspaper to see what might be on. Sometimes it would be "R" rated, so we'd just have ice cream and walk home again. (The Monty Python response would be something like: "Three miles! Bloody nothing! We used to walk 40 miles every morning just to get to the water tap...")  
  it was our first valentine's day together, got a friend to pick up some wine, not knowing which wine she would prefer i asked for both red and white, he comes back with a gallon of red and a liter of white....isn't foreshadowing wonderful? anyways, i cook her dinner, spaghetti with a homemade vodka sauce, it was delicious, we drink the wine during and after dinner...heavily....  the last thing i remember was trying to start the movie....  woke up in a pool of magenta colored vomit with strands of spaghetti strewn throughout, it was caked all over my face and hair, it was 4:30 am, she was passed out on the couch  ain't love grand?  
  My husband and I were sitting watching Tv last night. I was drinking a Vanilla Coke out of a 16oz plastic bottle. My husband asked me if he could see my bottle....(OH God if I only knew) He proceeds to put the bottle under his leg and unfortunately announces..."I'm on Coke!!!" and starts to laugh. Its obvious,he needs to get out more. Why did I marry him again??  
  There's nobody in the world I want a blowjob from more than Monica Lewinsky.  It would be an honor and a privelege to stick my cock in the same warm, slutty ho(le) that the leader of the free world stuck his.  Plus, this chick is a walking blow job.    Everybody was put on this planet to do something, and Lewinsky was put here to suck dick .  So, I figure, she must be pretty good at it.  
  They thought they were in deep shit when a policeman caught them with pot.  They were even more worried when they realized that this particular cop happened to be the DARE officer - the one that went to all the schools in town telling kids not to do drugs.  Their fears were unfounded.  "I won't bust you for that if you give me half."  They did, and he drove off.  The next thing any of us heard was a few years later, when the DARE cop was put in jail on drug charges.  God, I love America.  
  We were in line buying goldfish and my brother's girlfriend turned to me and asked " Do you have six cents?" I whispered real quite like "I do, I see dead people-they're everywhere." She and my brother just stared at me while the cashier about spit he was laughing so hard.        
  I was in the lobby of a theater right before you enter the actual screen room.  This girl pops out of one of the doors to talk to her boyfriend.  In reference to where she would be sitting she says "I don't like it in the front, I like it in the back."  Call me a perv, but I laughed for it's other possible meanings.  
  My boyfriend pissed me off.  I'm a rational person, so I did what anybody would do in my situation.    I picked a huge, green booger with a string of snot attached and wiped it on his pillow.  He woke up the next morning with it on his cheek.  
  My 20 year high school reunion.    This woman walks up to me and says, "Remember that night when you fucked me in Yen's basement?"  My whole life shot in front of my eyes in a colorful and bizarre panoramic coma-like fashion as I am trying to think of a really great pseudonym.    I am thinking that I have a 19 year old kid named Rick that I have never seen.   SHIT!!!  The woman then casually says, "you were by far the worst fuck I have ever had."   The man standing next to her smiled at me politely.          
  My best friend and I were in the auditorium for an assembly one day. It was mad fucking boring and at a very quiet moment I decided to turn to her and yell out:  "It's not my fault you're addicted to porn!"  Thinking that she was going to slap me or something, I was amazed that she went along with it.  "Yes it is! You're the one who showed me the video of the two homosexual midgets with the sheep!"  "It's not my fault that you watch it so much though...or that you won't return it to the video store! I only saw it once!"  "Well my pussy is raw and I'm blaming you!"  I love assemblies...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and I have a natural sixth sense about the size men are.  We ve yet to surmise incorrectly. Most of the time this is comes in handy.  Occasionally it sucks is when you meet a really happening guy and head into it already knowing he s hung like a fruit fly.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         just exactly how many times can you hear the "we're just friends" speech before you give up?  i'm still trying to find out.  
  One time i ate 3 cans of sardines in under 10 minutes and had sex with a cabbage.  
  All through junior high and high school, when I did what other teenage guys do (thinking nobody else knows you do it) I always used my right arm.  To this day my left arm is STILL my stronger arm. Doesn't say much for the stamina I had in my younger years, does it?  
  My grown children and I, sitting around the dinner table. The "kids" relating experiences of "being made fun of while in high school".  I said, "I never had anyone make fun of me in high school."  My son said, "Of course you didn't, you Aryan, you."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Half the time I go to take a "special" shower (massager and all that fun stuff) I forget, take a regular shower, get out, then remember why I went in in the first place.   Because of this I end up taking many showers each day.  I need to put up a sign in there...  
  I use a eunuch's operating system.  
   Dr. Pepper is the shit. However, my campus doesn't carry it. So, I decide to get Hawaiian Punch, it is the drink i get when i want to have a good day. I stick in on the end of my desk, but of course i knock it over into some big girls book bag. Directly it falls hole down. Shit. She doesn't notice, nobody notices. I politely get the can out, get up and walk out. I was pissed, i lost my lucky drink.  
  I have nightmares about ufo's flying overhead. They fly in formation, leaving behind smokey contrails and this weird electicity. Tons of them fly by, very high up. But the scary part is how nobody in the dream admits they can see them, too, 'cause in the dream, that's illegal.        
  it is that time of year again, i have to go to the doc, and get probed in that horrible way that all women loathe. i have had a pap many times before so i thought that i knew what to expect. different doctor this time but i thought what the hell lets just get this over with. she warns me a few times with the usual caution, "some downward pressure here." thinking that she is going to check my ovaries again i thought i was prepared.... then whamo! she fucking shoves her finger up my ass! what the hell is that? all these years and no one bothered to tell me that some times some one is going to shove their finger in my ass? i will guard my ass every moment of every day from no on, and next year, i am going to duct tape my ass hole closed to be sure that this never happens again.  
  Lights off.  Slightly static ridden dub reggae floating across the water to my speakers.  European gay porno vid with the sound killed.  Languidly masturbating.  Only two more days now.  And the suspense is eating me alive.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I first became a supermarket checkout person, the first person to come through my line bought a bottle of wine, 10 containers of honey, and a box of condoms, and the only thing I could think of to say to him was hope you have a good evening.  Man you should've seen his face.  
  Every roommate my girlfriend had, I have at one point smelled their panties.  When my girlfriend is in the shower and the roommate is out.. I run like a kid to the hamper, frantically searching for a cute little panty with a wet or hard crusty coating.  I smell and scratch and lick that panty.  I've done this to at least four roommates and countless friends and friend's sisters.  I even snuck into a friend's house when they were out to smell their mom's panties.. hmm those were tasty.  My girlfriend's panties? Naa not interested.   
   Do you have a carton of More Red?  I asked. The clerk said,  No. People don t usually smoke that much. They don t buy cartons of cigarettes.  I looked at her incredulously and wondered on what planet she was living.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         where i live, it's virtually impossible to get an apartment. that's why i'm 20, and still live at home. which would be fine, if only my room wasn't wall-to-wall with my parents'. also, a door would be nice.   what i have now is a curtain.  anyway, i had a fairly new boyfriend over for the night, and we did what all new couples always do. we had sex.   that is, until we hear someone get up from my parents' room. we figured, someone's going for a bathroom break, and it'll be more suspicious if i throw myself of off him instead of just being silent. only problem is, the person taking a walk is nearing my room. in panic, i do the fast roll to the left. my mom sticks her head into my room. i see what's happening, and tell her to go to bed. she doesn't hear me, and proceeds into my room, only wearing panties (is this clear enough? my mom. in my room. in full view from my bed, wearing nothing but panties. this is as low as it gets). i scream,  MOM GO TO BED! , at which point she apperantly wakes up, covers her chest and goes to bed.  that was the first time my boyfriend met my mom. he hasn't since.  and though i live in sweden and we're supposed to be liberal, we're not  that  liberal.  i just want to die when i think about it.  
  21/01/02  I just don't understand midget porn.  
  Adventures in College #2  Whenever my roomate came to me to whine about his girlfriend/back stabbing best friend/etc., I would always recommend whacking off to porn to alleviate the depression.  For some reason he thinks I'm joking.  
  So it's Saturday morning, and I'm thinking about working (as in for my job) this weekend. I have a bunch of projects that are at least interesting, and it would give me something to do. But then I take my dog out for her morning walk, and it's this beautiful sunny day with drifts of wispy white clouds in the sky. And it's not even Spring, yet, so we haven't hit those 105 degree days--it's a nice 70 or so. With a mild breeze. And I suddenly get this kind of hopeful feeling, like there's something more important or interesting I could be doing that working. Like I should go run across grass or lay on my back somewhere and read and watch the clouds.   So I finish up with the dog-walking and go back to my apartment. Where it's nice, but kind of dark and cavy and artificially lighted and smelling like the empty beer bottles from last night. And I want to go back outside, but I can't think of anything specific to do. I try calling a few friends, but they're either not answering or have other things going on. And then I realize that what I'd really like to do is go out on a picnic. You know, go over to the Safeway across the street, grab a bottle of wine and some brie and crackers and warm, soft French bread. Take the dog with me, throw the ball for her a while. But then I realize that there's no way I'm going to do this alone. It would just be too pathetic. And anybody else who's out would see me and think "Christ, that guy's sad with his dog and his wine." Dumb, but true.  So I decide that I should go hop in the Miata and put the top down and drive the whopping .5 miles to the nearest coffee shop to stave off the imminent headache. I get out there, and it's still this really beautiful day out. And I start getting all whimsical again. But then I start feeling like people are staring at me and thinking that I must be some stuck up asshole to be driving around in a convertible, and I really wish that the top was up so that I could stop feeling like that. But I get my coffee, anyway, and then I go back home. And as I pull into the driveway, I see that the cute little couple who had been there washing their car when I left is now nowhere in sight. And I'm really relieved by that because I had just left in a convertible with the top down like 10 minutes before, and seeing me come back so quickly would probably make them realize exactly how much of a dork I am.   So I come back up to my apartment, and my dog is sitting on the back of the sofa. And she gets all excited like I'd been gone for days, which makes me feel kind of good. But then I think "great, I'm gonna be that 30-year-old bald guy with the dog." So I wander into my room and sit down at my computer and fire up the word processor and write all this down.   So I think I'm going to go double-dose on my mood stabilizers and jerk off now.  
  Sitting there on the bathroom counter, both girls dutifully licking away at my crotch, the thought hits me: everything they say about band camp is 100% true.  
  Took a healthy dump at work today that smelled *exactly* like the cheesesteak with onions I ate last night.  You know it's bad when you walk out of the mens room and 3 people are standing in the hallway sniffing the air asking "Cheesesteak day in the cafeteria?"  
  i was walking down the street with my mom and pressed the button that lets you walk when the lights change as soon as the walk now sign came on, this beeping noise started up my mom the smart woman that she is says hey, that noise is for the deaf people i just look at her stupidly and walk away hoping she knew what she just said  
  Period Sex.  Just over a year ago, I had my first sexual encounter with a girl while she was mensturating and I must say that it is very under-rated.  On a Friday night, I met a nice girl at an otherwise horrible party at one of my college's fraternities.  Both of us had a couple beers and talked the whole night, made out, and I got her number.  The next day I called her up, we got some lunch together, then later went to dinner and saw a movie.  Well, needless to say one thing led to another (or else I wouldn't be posting this) and we eventually ended up going back to her place.  Eventually, the clothes came off, and out of habit I started to go down on her when she kinda backed off, I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she didn't want to be eaten out, but that she still wanted to have sex.  I was kind of confused, but that definately didn't matter, as I put on a condom and came.  Now, I noticed that there was a little blood on my penis when I was having sex with her, but I assumed that perhaps it was her first time.  However, when I was taking off the condom, I noticed just how much blood there was, which was when she explained that she was on her period.  Now let me tell you, there's definately a sense of accomplishment to finish having sex to find your (my) penis covered in blood.  The next night (Sunday) she was still on her period, and this time when I went to go down on her, she backed off like she did before.  So I told her "I don't mind," but it actually wasn't a problem as blood does not defy gravity, and I survived the cunnilingus without any blood on my chin.  I'm still with the girl 1 year later, the sex has always been great, except for that one time... but that's another low brow moment.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at my girlfriends house, fooling around with her. After some fondling, she hikes up her skirt and leans against her wall. I fuck for a good 30 miutes before i hear her little brother wake up. The little kid wanders over and opens her door. As i turn to look i slip out and shoot my load all over her wet thighs. The little kid looks up with sleep i his eyes and says "daddy does that too"  To this day i still wonder what he meant  
  Whilst playing some party game or other similar to Charades, I was stuck with the task of communicating the word "Beaver" to my team without using words.   I stuck my front teeth out.   No one got it. I made a beaver-like tail with my hand.   No one got it. Finally, in a moment of desperation I pointed at my crotch. "BEAVER!" my friend shouted loudly. Jeez...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting waiting for the airplane is always the worst part of travel. Not to mention the people in the lobby. The woman next to me smells of cheap perfume, and a little bit of beer. I put down my magazine to hold my seat while I get up to get a soda, and she asks me, "hey, I'm gonna read your magazine if you're done with it."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I didn't know what a douchebag was. I mean, I knew plenty of assholes who were aptly described by that name, but I didn't know there was an actual physical object (other than the plastic disposable type that aren't, of course, BAGS) that chicks use to freshen up their coochies.  (INTERLUDE FOR A RELEVANT JOKE: Q: WHY DOES MISS PIGGY USE VINEGAR AND WATER DOUCHE? A: 'COS KERMIT LIKES SWEET AND SOUR PORK. HEH)  So anyhow, when I found this rubber bladder/hose arrangement in the bathroom closet, I naturally assumed it was an enema bag. So I used it as such. Gave myself a nice refreshing colonic irrigation on the spot.  And I kept on doing so, about three times a week, if not more. Didn't clue into my error, not even when Mom started walking funny and muttering something about a "ghastly infection."  Eventually, I figured it out. And I should have stopped. But by then, I was hooked.  
  my old roomate is getting married to his hot red headed girlfriend.  I guess this means im the last guy that went through her underwear.  
  Tales from the Farm, part II  musta been six or eight, playin in the cornfields about a half mile from the house when a most pressing issue arose.  my bowels were pregnant, and my sphincter was dialated.  the turd had been in the womb long enough, and it was ready to come out.  i dropped trau' between corn rows and let 'er rip. asswipes were no problem, what with all the corn leaves around.   but this is lowbrow, so you KNOW it will end badly. you see, corn leaves are covered in fine hairs, which break off and stick in your asshole and skin.  AND they are often covered in thousands of tiny mites, which, in addition to corn leaves, apparently have an affliction to asscrack.  i couldn't sit comfortably for about a week.  moral of the story: sometimes skid marks are your best bet.  
  I was watching TV. And then this ad came up for tumbleweed steakhouse. I've never eaten they but the ad cracked me up. In the lower corner it said "need for weed".     
  Lying in bed with my boyfriend watching a movie (LIFE, i think it has eddie murphey in it)  The movies been on for about an hour, and i've been playing with his dick the whole time.  I lean over and start giving him head.  He looks at me and asks "are we gonna watch this movie or what??".  Rejected! And i thought guy's liked getting head!  
   Christmas Eve  Without warning, my Mormon missionary friend and the 15 year-old (who's mother sold him for coke, five times) who I'm mentoring, drop by. Kid is like someone crawling across a desert, looking for water -- he  needs  adult input, and admiration. I've been doing my best to take care of that. I spend an hour and a half with them, gabbing away, even making them food. I wave at them as they go down the driveway. Utterly, utterly, completely stoned the entire time. But I pulled it off..,  
  Years ago I had a "date". I accompanied a young man in the back of a pickup truck. The quest was to shoot and rid said owner of a large piece of property of rabbits. In this case, "hares". The men (all four of them) had great fun shooting the hares. Especially when the shot didn't kill the animal. Then one of the men would jump out of the truck and boot the animal to death.  The animals' screams still haunt me.  
  remember the story of icarus?  he had the first Darwin Award.   
  I started smoking weed when I was 16.  I was an anxious kid in school and this seems to alleviate all unjustified feelings of anxiety so I went with it.  So, for the next two years, I smoked regularly and ultimately graduated.  I spend another 2 years after I graduated smoking and hanging out with friends.  I spend 2 years after that smoking when there was nothing else to do or when I was going to see a movie in the theatre.  Then I spent 2 MORE years smoking about once every month and thinking that I missed the first two years that I smoked to alleviate stress...only to notice that it only made me horny and hungry.  Now I only smoke when I have plenty of time to fuck and eat.  I guess what I'm saying is that, no matter how old you are, there's always room for a little bud smoking.  
  he told me the conversation they'd had when i'd gotten up to get cash to take a cab home. "you seem kinda bummed, are you ok?" "are you fucking her?" "would it bum you out if i was?" he said at that point i came back to the table. it's disheartening to know that my relationships with otherwise cool people are completely dependant on who i am or am not 'fucking'. and i know it took longer than three lines of conversation for the cash machine to give me my money.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's six in the morning, and we failed to yank any strippers out of the titty bars the night before, but we are still rolling hard, so we hire a couple of cheap escorts and I end up getting my first cocaine experience.  The little one lights up her base pipe and shotguns me a big hit.    All I really remember about that 5 hour period, is that she kept alternating between telling me to "never ever start smoking cocaine!", and "take a hit!  please take a hit with me!"  I don't know which part was more lowbrow:  the nasty escorts, the smoking of base, or the fact that we hired escorts and I didn't even get my dick sucked.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I never score as low on purity tests as I should. They never ask the right questions. Like, "Have youu ever been in a four-way lesbian French kiss with a dominatrix nun?"  It was insane. It was at a convention, and I and a group of friends ran across this woman in a vinyl nun outfit. The guuys in the group were drooling, but she went after the girls. She grabbed Raven and accosted her, and then she grabbed me by the bra straps and started French kissing me, and then she pulled Abie into it.   It was painful and scary.  I don't like nuns.  
  I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex, one I can set off just by thinking about the act of gagging.  In this way, I can vomit on command, all without the use of a spoon.  It's a very useful talent, expecially when the practical joke your friends are planning on an enemy involves a bag full of regurgitated cafeteria spagetti.        
  i went to the lake last weekend, and decided it would be a good idea to not apply sunscreen to my body. i burned, and now i am peeling like a goddamn banana.  to get rid of the dead skin i am now putting large pieces of packing tape on my body and pulling it off, in order to facilitate the peeling process.  fucking gross.  
  One of my favorite phrases to indicate that I find something funny is "I was laughing my ass off."  Then one day someone who also used that phrase said to me, "Dude that is so funny that if you looked behind me, there's a big bloodstain and a wet lump at the bottom of each pant leg."  I got it immediately. He had literally laughed his ass off.   I've never been able to use the phrase the same since...  
  Grocery clerk entry #33: When the wives come to my register for check-out, I love to talk to the about what they're going to fix for dinner. In addition to some of the killer recipes I've gotten, I've also gotten some propositions.  Apparently, chicks dig a guy who knows his way around a kitchen.  
  So my roommate had hooked up with this girl who was pretty good looking. she and i got to talking casually one afternoon while she was over to see my roommate, and we got to be friendly if we'd see each other on campus after a while.  So one day she was over to see my roommate again. The three of us were talking for a while when he left the room for something or other. So it was just me and her. She gets on the topic of sex. You know, what she's done and what she likes and everything. She starts out with normal shit, positions and angles etc. but then she gets into kinky shit. Like fingers in her ass and analingus. So I get a little aroused.  Then she turns it up even more by talking about threesomes. Starts with two girls and guy, then goes on to two guys and a girl, something she has never done but has a big desire to do.  At which point my roommate reenters the room. At which point she indirectly and half jokingly, but yet with the definite underlying sincerity of "I ll do it if you say yes" in her voice, she asks my roommate and if we'd both take her on at the same time. Initially flattered that she'd want to have sex with me, I was quickly greeted by the idea of how it would be done. "Like, uh, how do you mean?" I hesitantly asked. "You know," said she, "I d suck one of you for a while, while the other did me doggy style, and then for us all to get off one of you would do me in the ass and the other would do me in my pussy." I thought for a second, and confidently retorted, "I m sorry, I m just not at the point in my relationship with my roommate where I can see his dick moving in and out of you, let alone feel his dick rubbing against mine while one of us fucked you in the ass and the other was in your pussy.    Yeah, I really don t think I could do that either,  my roommate added.   
  i moved from boston to dc so she could get her phd in psych i worked 2 jobs to pay for food and rent and ac i saw her cry for real when she realized i didnt renew the lease after catching her sucking off her counseling ethics professor in my car that i let her use to go to class   suddenly i feel so sane    
  Overheard at Walmart: "Mommy does not trim her pubes."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was walking home from school one day in the 6th grade when these two assholes, obviously of high-school age, come screeching up in their Bronco.  The passenger leans out and asks  Hey kid, you know where Water Street is?   The fact was I had no clue where much of anything was since my family and I had just moved to this city.  At that particular moment I had been feeling a little down, missing my friends and such.  I was a bit taken aback that some older kids would be asking me where something was.  I had just opened my mouth to reply when a shot of water came shooting out from the passenger s window drenching me from head to toe.  The car took off and I was left alone in my drenched misery.   
   I sat there in front of my computer trying to remember what it was I had intended to do. And then I remembered, I wanted to turn it off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to reverse-shoplift healthfood stores. I'd smuggle in a package of baloney or a pork chop and leave it in the cold case next to the soy milk and rice dream faux-icecream. Eventually some hardcore vegan would complain to the management and demand they get rid of everything that may have touched it.  Hot fun in the summertime.  
  I had a dream where I was Eddie Murphy and I was doing the video for 'Party All the Time' and everything was so exact. Rick James even came in and started singing with me and playing bass. We even did the 'OK' and devil horns hand symbols at the end.  
  overheard this in high school. two goth-type chicks talking. one is pointing to the middle of her hand and says "what if the nail goes all the way through?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have fine tuned my windows desktop scheme to please almighty Lowbrow.  May we be blessed in syncopated clicking forever, Amen.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i heard on 60 minutes once that you can get paid $100 to give a shot of cum to sperm banks.   hell, i do that three times a day already... thats $300 a day. 5 days a week... (2 to rest) thats $1500 a week.   thats $78,000 a year.  college, career? fuck THAT, i'm gonna wack off for fun and profit.       
  Sex and masturbation. You would think that when you're in a relationship, you wouldn't need or want to choke the chicken...  well not exactly.  I can only describe it as being like cookies.   Sometimes you want to make the cookies yourself from scratch. It takes a lot of time and effort, but the end result is one tasty treat that is beyond comparison.   And then, sometimes you  just get a craving to rip open a plastic bag and grab a handfull of pre-packaged processed carbos. Instant gratification.  but then I realized there is some middle ground:  Does that make the Pilsbury Doughboy a pimp?  
  When shopping for sex lube with your girlfriend, it's best not to say "My wife likes this brand"...  I limped for a week.   
  My friend and I were very hungover when he gets the bright idea to go sailing with some ultra-rich yuppy acquaintance of his.  We're talking rich, L.A., beautiful people on this very nice sailboat.  Things were o.k. for about 20 minutes.  Then my body crashed.  I headed for the head and promptly exploded from both ends every type of body fluid and substance known to mankind.  Needless to say the small toilet overflowed immediately.  So there I am up to my ass in shit and vomit, with an overflowing toilet, and more  shit and vomit on the way.  I spent the entire trip (much shortened due to the stench) in the head.  I was too sick and embarrassed to even attempt an apology.  I did the best I could to clean the mess up.  I moved back east a couple of weeks later...        
   I can't get the smell of old people out of my house. I've been here two months now, and it still smells like old people. I hope that's not just what I smell like....  
  Half asleep...I awoke to the sounds of my mother on the phone.  "Yes I do couples...I have a Dildo...What's your name? Phil?...Well I usually rent a hotel room...I'm petite, dark hair, dark eyes"  It only takes an instant to be scarred for life...  
  So I'm in everyone's favorite discount store, and I'm waiting in line to return something.  There's a woman behind me with her two twin boys, and she's telling them all about the items around her.  "And how do you say this?"  and the boys respond with whatever the correct answer is.  I figure she's teaching them how to read.  They look about 5 or 6.  So she continues and I watch for a while.   One of them spills his coke and it goes all over the floor.  And she's still in line and the boys are a few feet away and she tells them "ok, go over there.. next to the coke machine and get a napkin.."  and the kids just look at her like she's stupid.  She repeats herself and they just look around.  They could read the laundry detergent box, but they couldn't understand the coke machine comment.  So she looks at me and says, "do you mind holding my spot?"  and I laugh and I'm like "no, not at all.. yeah, they don't seem to be getting it.."  And she looks at me and says.. "I know.. They're autistic."    I'm going to hell.  
  Somebody asked me recently if I've ever beaten a prostitute. Yeah, like I'm the likeliest suspect, eh?  But I actually did beat a prostitute once.  Yeah, we were playing checkers and I somehow won. It was funny, because I don't know how to play checkers very well. Or at all.  Her name was Pru, which I always thought was a better name for a frustrated poet than for a hooker.  I think it was a pity win.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Maybe I did get arrested. It happens. But at least I got arrested for setting fire to the lawn of a deputy sheriff while drinking beer and listening to a crappy radio station.   
   Sadly, when i grew up, they didn't have medicine to fix the potholes on my face.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         (This isn't my moment, but the owner isn't online and I gotta share.)  See if you can make the adult magazine joke outta his story.  He's working in a bar, and this nice daresay handsome guy is with this equally nice girl, who he ignores until she goes away.  Well, the guy is really really drunk and noisy and everyone at the bar is noticing him, hey is that guy crazy and funny.  Well, the drunk handsome fellow disappears for a while, the bar guys are all like "Where'd that crazy guy go?" but then the guy returns after a substantial amount of time.    Soon the bar guys notice this really horrible smell.  "Did you fart?" and "Didjoo shit your pants?!?!" kinda smell.  Well, this crazy guy is sitting at the bar now, right?  And all of a sudden he leans in.  There's shit all over his face, clothes, arms, everywhere.  Covered in shit, right?  The local transvestite--big black thing---saunters up to the shit covered crazy man.  "How about that drink you promised?"   As black TV wanders away, the shit crazy guy is all crazy with pride and grinning.  With shit on his breath, he points to the black TV and grins to the bar guys: "Man, I just ate that girls *pussy*!!"  
  My own personal great mystery of life:  Why is it you go weeks without biting your tongue, and then do it 7 times over the course of 2 hours? Temporary Tard Syndrome.    
  Cum?  Yeah right.    Try "Scrotum Glue"    Case in point:    I didn't have time to fully whip down my pants and tighty whities to rub one out to this perfect porno picture. Instead, I decided to try masturbating through the cloth.    Well anyways, eventually the golden moment arrived and I felt a jet of warm cum surround my balls. Not having time to go to the bathroom and the not-unpleasent sensation of having lubricated balls swishing around inside thight underwear made me decide to not clean up afterwards.    When I got home, I finally felt the need to go to the bathroom. When I got to the toilet, I started to pull down my underwear.    OUCH!    Fucking hell. The cum seemed to have fused to my balls and I had to endure much pain. The most pain came when I was "unpeeling" the bottom of my cock from my balls.    Ahh well. Now I know why chicks hate getting it in their hair. More importantly, I now clean up after "discreet masturbation sessions".    - the.chosen@priest.com     Duuuude.... wet your undies so it can loosen up! Im not a guy but i would think this works... i have had that problem when my blood dries my pubes together and when I go in later to wipe... it hurts like a bitch. RE MOISTEN RE MOISTEN!!!   
  I once read in a comic strip that featured a budhist sitting on a very high mountain  disclosing the key to life : "The secret to life is to be assertive, so get off my mountain and go fuck yourself!"       
  At a yard sale, I found a bunch of doll clothes, undies included. At the same time, we have far too many stray cats around our house.  So now when I leave one on a doorstep, I dress it up first. But tastefully, of course.  
  Asher came over around 7:00pm and we went to work on boiling an old bowl, and than smashing it to get to the resin. (Wasn t a nice bowl or anything, just a jury rigged piece of crap that had broken off of another bong) I was watching my little brother for the day; he was seven and at this point had very little idea of what drugs were all about. We convinced him that we were breaking up old pieces of glass to collect the "pine resin" on them, and that after we got it all we were going to throw it out, and that it was for social studies. Once we got to work he wanted to help, so we let him, we gave him a chunk or two of glass told him to be careful, and set him to work with a Swiss army knife. After all this we told him not to tell mom about it, and gave him a few vague reasons as to why he shouldn t tell her about it. When all the resin was piled together neatly, he went to watch the Simpson s while Asher and I went out to smoke, he drank a beer and smoked, while I just smoked.  Man, someday my little bros going to think back to this day and, just maybe, realize how big a stoner I am and was.   
  Grocery clerk entry #32: I invited two co-workers over to watch the hockey game after work.  One said he'd be there.  One said he'd call. I never heard from either one of them. I dropped money on two pizzas I would not have otherwise ordered. Some serious fucking revenge is in order.  
  I threatened to post the story about how she slept with her stalker and she said "if I come across that one...and I will if you posted it....I will hunt you down and kill you with a blunt instrument".    One good stalker deserves another.  
    whitey and i sat in the deco in ball square playing liars poker over pitchers of flat bud lite he started in about the various viscious behaviors of a woman he was once intensely sexually and mentally in love with he mentioned how horrible it felt to be betrayed time and again by her arbitrary assignments of importance and consistency drinking further and further into his own self medication i asked him if he would have rather have been home the entire time making love to the furry glove he said psychosex is the best sex he wound up marrying that woman      
  When someone describes food as requiring "an acquired taste," it usually means that the food tastes terrible and is expensive.  Good food (e.g. ice cream, cheesecake, etc.) tastes good the first time around.  
  worked at a truckstop. went into one of the bathroom stalls one night and put two of those little foil packets of mustard under the little knobs on the underside of the toilet seat. i nicked the edge of the packet and faced them forwards so that when whoever next used the john sat down it would squirt into their pants.  i'd almost forgotten about it and was cleaning up tables. this big huge sonofabitch trucker with freaking Popeye arms come tearing out of the john with a big wad of mustard smeared toilet paper in his hamfist screaming 'who's the muthafucka done this? i'm gon kill the bastard!'  I was torn between the desire to yell triumphantly to the crowd that i was the one who had done the deed and my common sense telling me to keep my mouth shut and live to do it again another day.   in the silence that greeted the trucker's wrath what escaped from my mouth was..... a giggle. a small giggle to be sure, but loud enough to be heard by said trucker. our eyes locked. that's all it took. he KNEW.  he could run fast for a big guy. almost caught me before i made it to my car.   
  --------------- Cardboard sign around the neck of a dirty homeless man- "Tell me off for a dollar." Classic. Second only to the United Negro Pizza Fund guy in front of Two Boots.   - mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com ----------------  Oh, that comes nowhere near what I had asked of me down by the santa monica pier...  "Hey, can you spare about 50, 000?  My friends and I are saving up for a Jag"  Brilliant.  But I didn't have it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          He hardly ever wore underwear, especially not during Summer. His homemade cutoff jean shorts were always unintentionally too short.   He was taking a break at work, sitting and rambling on about something. One of his foreign coworkers noticed what was hanging out, cupped his hands and pantomimed using a telescope, zooming in and out with the focus at the sight with bugged out eyes.  Man, I miss those losers.   
  We're going to buy malt liquor to prepare for the Miss America Pageant.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I took a "test" to determine how hard they should make the GED test. Everyone who was participating got a different subject. I got writing. It was a normal test, multiple choice, short answer and such. Then I came to the essay. My topic was to pick a leader who I thought was important and why. Since I wasn't going to be graded, I chose two people who I think deserved praise.  Captain America and Jesus. I talked about how Cap. America fought Red Skeleton and how Jesus faught Howie Mandel. In the end, Jesus and Cap. faught each other to lead the world. Jesus had ice breath and a robot. I'll let you decide who won. It was Hitler.  
  My top 3 reasons for wanting to go to grad school.  1. Sex 2. Pretentiousness 3. Sex  
  Once again, too late, I find the job I've taken is not what I want to do. They want me to push their product. They want me to "sell". They want me to induce customers to pay extra to join some little club so they can get coupons in the mail. They want me to make people desire peripheral items. Now, don't you think if I had the desire to do that, I could have been the best hooker in the universe? For much more money, and more honestly.  Shove your frequent shopper point system up your ass.   
   Walking In Boston  Someone once famously said that Boston drivers are  so  agressive that they're even incapable of enlightened self-interest. Absolutely true. You get a jammed intersection, and everybody just continues to squeeze every inch they can get deeper into the jam. Even when it comes to crosswalks. Walking to lunch in Chinatown one day with co-workers, a rather expensive BMW blocks our crosswalk: there is no way around. After checking the driver to see if he actually looked like a wimp (he did), I just kept walking, climbed up on his tyre, walked across his hood, and jumped down on the other side. Oops - I hadn't noticed the cop on the corner. He smiled at me and conspiratorially stuck two thumbs in the air...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to babysit for this guy. he was nice as were his kids. But he tended to underpay. I'm talking a twelve hour day at only 15$. Yea, so I decided that I would start to take liberties with his snack foods and then his change jar. One time I got up to 43$ just from his change jar. Thank God for Wilson Farms who exchanges un wrapped money. And what ended up happening?  I got fat and he stopped calling me to watch his kids.   
  When I was a little girl I was sitting on my mothers lap while she and my older sister chatted...My mother sneezed and said, " Oh my! " and promptly placed me down whilst running to the bathroom. She came back and asked my sister if it "ever happened to her" they both became all knowing and I am like what the fuck? I honestly thought they both shat their pants on a regular basis or something (I was like 9) Now I finally know...when you have your period and you sneeze: some sort of vortex.  
   Even My Motorhome Joined LowBrow  It hasn't been near a sewer hookup for two years, but it has a neat gas gauge-type thing for the holding tank. I check it regularly, and it shows the tank is still only 1/4 full (quite believeable -- I shower and wash in the house). I regularly feed the holding tank a bottle of intense blue fluid, which completely takes care of the smell.* I need to pee really bad. A long one. I flush. I hear a strange noise outside. I walk around the motorhome. Oh crap. Lots of it. Bright blue crap, very artistic. So much for that neat gas gauge-type thing. It gets worse. I can't afford to put this monster on the road right now...  ---------- *I recently sat down on the toilet just after I'd poured a bottle in. You think blue balls feels bad? You should try Electric Blue penis tip...  
  he told me that he had no choice but to sleep with those two whores as i was still so virginal  and wouldn't give it up.  i found satisfaction a few years later when i fucked his best friend.  so much for virginal.    
  at a party a few years ago, i was sitting in a chair watching the festivities and enjoying the music.  suddenly, out of nowhere, a good-looking, long-haired, and extremely drunk man catches my eye across the room.  he is smiling at me.  he swaggers over to my chair, keeping one arm outstretched as if to put it around me.    i look up at him, his grinning, drunk face, and he opens him mouth as if to speak to me....but instead he begins to wobble on his perch on the arm of the chair.  he falls over, spilling his drink all over himself.  trying hard not to laugh, i say "all you all right?"  he slinks away.   
        Whenever I travel, I always take a rental car. Even if it is only like 50 miles away. Why you ask? Because you can do things with a rental car that you would never even dream of doing in your own car.  For instance, once I driving to a family reunion, going about 90mph down the freeway when suddenly I have a thought.  What would happen if I threw this baby in reverse?  I did, it made a real funny sound...  
  he just laughed, and said that the worst thing i could ever do to anybody would be to give them a care bear stare.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was shooting pool with some guy when he said:  "I have a bet, if I win...you give me a blow job, if I lose...you give me a blow job."  I said, "Wow, sounds like an EXCELLENT bet ::sarcasm::, what do I get out of it?"  He said, "Aerobics."  Can't beat that reasoning, eh?  
   The First Grassroots Festival  In later years, it got big, but the first one was a fairly small affair. My ex-roommate Laura, who I lusted after like crazy, was there, but so was her friend. A 6' 2" woman who wrote novels, had just received a $250,000 advance for her first publication, and had a really odd demeanour, but she just descended on me and dragged me out to their tent. I felt bad about that, because Laura, my real lust-object, had to sleep in the barn, but in the meantime I was in the control of a strong, big, odd woman who was completely insatiable. Exausting night, but wonderful.  Laura was pissed off, because she had been coming on to me, but not obviously enough that I noticed (young moron - but we got together a few months later for the best sex of my life). I won't go into the grimy details of that night, even though this is LowBrow, but it was pretty grimy, and wonderful. She and I tried to have a relationship, but she was terrified about getting pregnant. (Have you ever noticed that the first time you fuck a woman, she doesn't give a goddam about birth control? But forever after, she gets really particular about it?) So she wanted me to use condoms. Condoms are like coedine as far as I'm concerned. I'd rather whack off, literally. So we tried to experiment with sheep-bladder "natural skins." Lying in bed, in her wonderful apartment, with her horny and wiggling against me, I tried to open the package. I couldn't get the damn thing open, so she tried. Suddenly, I was covered in some weird fluid, and a piece of sheep intestine with a knot on the end was lying on my stomach. She was horny, and insisted on trying to put it on, but willie was rapidly shrinking away...  
  i got my wisdom teeth pulled out so now my arrogance has doubled and i act like a jackass even more than usual...i like to blame it on the pain.  if i don't watch out, my girlfriend is going to dump me.  (hi camel)  
  My boyfriend just got off the phone with me because he wanted to beat off.  Love you too sweetie.  
  I was jerking off my boyfriend under the blanket, and then I got under the blanket myself and starting sucking his cock.  He blew a giant load all over my face, and then his mom walked in.  I didn't have time to wipe off my face, but I did manage to sit back up in the sofa just before she walked in.  She probably noticed the jizz all over my face.  Or the pubes in between my teeth.  Or the giant lump under the blanket.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At my camp, they had differing qualities of bathrooms, and believe it or not, the ones with the decomposing toilets (the specific make was Clivus Multrum, for the curious) were usually cleaner and in better shape. Makes sense though - each age group had about one bathroom, and each age group had upwards of 50 kids, so naturally the few flushing bathrooms are gonna get clogged up and manky as shit.  Except the bathroom used by the youngest age group.  There were rafters above, about eight or nine feet up, on top of the partition in the middle of the bathroom. On either side of the partition was a row of toilets. (Did I mention that the stalls had no doors, only long pieces of burlap hanging in front?)   Kids would climb up to the rafters, then drop their pants, stick their scrawny little asses over the side, and take "rafter dives" - shit in an attempt to land their crap inside the clivus.  They often missed.   Older kids (like myself) who knew about the practice were forbidden from talking about it to the little kids, for fear of inspiring them. Also the rafters were used as storage space, loaded up with tons of junk to prevent kids from being able to clamor up there.  When I was a youngster, I never did it. But to be honest, now that I'm older and mature, I really wish that I had at least given it a try.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went to Vegas for the first time as an adult. That is if 20 yrs. old is an adult. I was with some friends and we were walking around downtown by the old "Strip". They had overhead speakers play an N'Sync song. In the middle of a crowd of people there was a bum dancing much like a teen pop star, but sedated. I dropped him a dollar for giving me a laugh. I don't even think he noticed...  
  My mom gave my bedroom to my little brother when I moved away for college.  Now, when I go home, I sleep in my mom's bed.  Last time I went home, she said, "I just washed these sheets.  I figured you wouldn't want to sleep on them after Jerry (her boyfriend) was over last night."  Gross.     
  I was at a corporate party in the House of Blues in LA. The company hosting the party was Japanese, so the food was a mixture of Japanese and the venue's own southern American style.   It was dark and the music was loud. I took a big scoop of what I thought was guacamole and put it in my mouth.  It was wasabi.  
  Moved back in with my mom for a while during college. She dated once in a while.  One time she brought a guy home. The two of them go in her bedroom. After a few minutes she comes knockin on my door, "Can I borrow your hand lotion?"  totally gross  
   Americans Don't Even Know They're Stupid   (ooh, fighting words!)  Chatting with my sister-in-law (LowBrow keyword: " You can ball me anytime! " She: "The doctor has me on Lithium now, and it's helping."  (I don't know exactly what it's supposed to be helping. Helping her to relax while wrapping her python around her neck when she's onstage at CBGBs? Helping her calmly deal with her Jewish refugee daddy who recently took exception to the Nazi dagger she uses as a stage prop?)  Me: "Did you know that lithium is a metal?" She: "No, it's a salt." Me: "It's a metal. It looks like aluminium. It's lighter than water. If you drop it into water to see if it floats, it will, but then it'll explode." She: " No  - it's a salt." Me: "A salt. Like sodium chloride?" She: "Exactly! Now you understand!" Me: "Eh, did you know that sodium is a metal? And if you drop it into water, it'll explode, too?" She: "You have no idea what you are talking about. Lithium is a salt."  
  I used to smoke pot a lot. I did it all the time. It's been 3 years since I last smoked it.  Now, I just burn certain trees in the woods since the leaves smell like pot smoke when they are on fire  That's sad. Real sad  
  i like those people who put "420,24-7" and "my other car is a bong" and "legalize it" and other related stickers on thier cars. it draws attention away from us semi-intelligent stoners.  
  Ways in Which LowBrow Has Taken Over My Life:  Number 1- While writing a love email to my girlfriend today I felt it necessary to refrence a lowbrow that had sexual content, which I thought would be a funny and quirky way of saying I missed fucking her on a regular basis without coming right out and saying it.  "I don't have any fun stories to tell right now, or anything particular to say... except that these next few months are gonna be the hardest in my life so far, because for the first time in my adult life I want to be with this one particular and wonderful girl (that's you baby), and miracle of miracles, you want to be with me  But for the next few months I'll be in Colorado with my brother (a Presbyterian pastor) and his wife and four kids. And you will be in Long Island with your parents, trying to get your first post-undergrad employment, and your independence.... and all I really want is for you to be here with me, to share my days, and my nights.  And that's it... that's all I have to say... except I did read this lowbrow today about a guy and a girl who had an opportunity for some fun one night... and she wrote about how he tied her up with duct tape, spanked her, and told her she was a naughty girl while she blew him...etc... and generally when I read stuff like that I wish I was that dude... but this time, while I was reading it, I wished that I was that dude, and you were that girl.   God, aren't I silly pink-heart romantic?"  Is it lowbrow to use LowBrow to write a love letter? I think so....   
  The week after September 11th, my school got a bomb threat.  They did not send us home.  Rather, they let us sit out on the bleachers by the football field for an hour.  They told us it was a fire drill.    Which totally explained the dogs, and random policemen on the roof.  Bastards.  
  I got caught taking hits from whip cream canisters at the local Stop & Shop. I was so whacked out on nitrous, I forgot that they would arrest me if I entered the store again.  I got arrested a week later.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After walking in from the garage (the only smoking room in the house) I became aware of some strange ambient music. While we were smoking, this crazy fucker had put in porn and then began ranting about the musical genius of the composer, Vladimir. After a half hour of girl on girl action I began to appreciate the music as well. I began to wonder, where do they find these geniuses?   Crazy then finished his fifth of Monarch Bourbon and passed out. Twenty minutes later, he sprung up, bolted outside and fell on his face, vomit erupting from his open mouth. He lay there for a moment and then jumped up, no longer compromised, and lifted Mark up into the air while trying to grab chode. In the end, all he managed to squeeze were Mark's two throbbing testicles.   Oddly enough, I found myself not wanting to catch the 8:30 train home in three hours.  
  after getting our supper at mcdonalds,   my g/f and i, parked on the side of the road in front of the local high school, 8pm, smoked a huge joint.  bright headlights heading our way all of a sudden, i figure it's just some local, driving home, but how wrong was i?   police car turns around pulls up behind us, i was scrambling, put the joint out, hiding my stuff, told my g/f to take everything out of the side pocket of my bag and throw it deep under the seat.   officer walks up to my window, i roll it down, "Hi sir, do you want my license?" i stupidly ask... He says,"What's that smell?"   "Uh, what smell?"  "Step out of the car please"  He searches me, finds a tissue in my pocket filled with seeds and stalks from the weed we just smoked.  "May we search your car?"  "yes sure officer..."  "Do you have anything else?"  "no sir"  "Are you sure??"  "yes"  They don't find anything, until he looks in my bad and finds the fat bankie in the side pocket.  "Oh, SHIT, I forgot that was there!"  So we get arrested, off to the police station, g/f in tears, wait 3 hours, they try to scare me by giving me a tour of the holding cells, you know the deal. Eventually, three hours later... they take us to each of our parents houses and tell them the story, and we're let off with a warning.  Getting home that night,   I realise that there's nothing worse than an ice cold big mac.     
  Am I the only one here who thinks the guy who played Harvey on "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" is probably the hottest guy on the planet? I fond my self watching Nickelodeon more often than I deem healthy for a 21 year old, pretty girl. Sigh...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         3.17.03 So, with Bush putting his hand on America's shoulder and sternly telling us we're going to war on every network, I do what comes naturally:  I put it on every tv in the house and run around pretending I'm being chased by Bushbots.  
  What is it about bookstores that causes me to fart? Everytime I go to a bookstore, I'm browsing along and my ass decides to wage biological warfare on Keats, Rumi, Emerson, and Rilke. And it never fails: The minute I evacuate the aisle and pretend to browse something else, some hot girl goes that very aisle; the scene of the crime! Egad... Thank god for Amazon.com!  
  I was surfing around on the internet when one of those annoying advertisment banners popped up.  In bold letters was the question, "Is there pornography on your computer."  After staring blankly for about 10 seconds, I scoffed before answering obviously, "Uh, YEA."    After noticing nobody was in the room and how much porn I actually had on my computer, I realized my brow had never been lower.  
  Sexual Fun Fact #1 Learned in Human Sexuality Class at a Small Liberal Arts University in Maine: 8% of all pregnancies result from anal sex.  What is more low the fact that anal sex causes that much pregnancy?  Or the fact that there is that much anal sex happening?  Imagine how much anal sex doesn't cause pregnancy...  
  Someday fate will come up and piss on your doorstep.        
  I swear it never ends.  it starts, ends, then goes over again.  the cycle is forever.  i can never escape.  i swear i'm going to die a virgin.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever had sex to Gwar music? Not exactly the biggest turn on listening to "Gor Gor, the repulsive lizerd who can lick his own dick." What are you gonna do?  
  So I walk into a friend's house, as me and a buddy of mine decided to stop over on the way back to my pad.  Well, that friend has his(hot)girlfriend there, and she's staring at the TV like a zombie.  I think nothing of it, and try and worm whatever's getting her down out of her--and ever so slowly, she and her guy start having a verbal fist-fight.  It cools down soon, though, and the conversation turns to their break-up.  Yeah, I knew they had broken up and gotten back together, but I never knew what caused it all--turned out the guy fooled around with a 13-year-old!  I mean, jeez!  That's just wrong!  As I make these observations, the situation gets heated again...  My friends leave the room, giving me an indicator to do so as well.  I try to think of something to say to her to make her feel better, but for once in my life I'm running on empty--so I leave, making the comment that should he ever get tired of her I'd be more than happy to take her off of his hands.  During the drive home, I'm told that he tried to start a relationship with this girl--and that he REALLY didn't want to hook back up with his current(hot)girlfriend.  All I can think of is, "Why didn't anybody tell me she was available?"  
    I saw you looking into my window last night.  What were you looking at?  I know my back is hairy, but you are starting to make me uncomfortable.  
  got super high last night.  luckily i went to the market before hand, otherwise i wouldve come back broke as a motherfucker...  while watching kung-pow: enter the fist (funniest movie stoned, i swear), i devoured a bag of cheetos, half a box of cream cookies, and half a bag of skittles.  i woke up this morning and my mouth hurt like hell.  i thought, shit, cavities on all my fucking teeth...not the case.  aparantly my mouth was exhausted from chewing on skittles till 3 in the morning, i was informed by my roommate.  phew, i thought that was gonna be the last time i could eat that many skittles  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It took me over 20 years to figure out those "courtesy of Fred's two feet" lyrics in The Flintstone's theme. (Now I'm working on whatever comes before "...and the kids are finally smiling/such joie de vivre" in The Nanny.)        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Age makes use wise and venerable.  My co-worker is a 52 year old, highly respected scientist. He has a Doctorate in Immunology, numerous publications in refereed, peer reviewed scientific journals. He has made significant contributions to the advancement of his field of science.  He can't say "Uranus" without laughing.  Venerable my ass.  
  i live in a world where a tall can of coors is called a nightcap.  
  i had a discussion with my english teacher about school house rock cartoons. i was the only student old enough to remember it. its times like those that the teachers thank me for being 3 grades behind, so they dont look like a complete fool alone.  
  This has nothing to do with anything, but I thought I'd share.. I woke up one morning, in a weird mood. It was a weekend, no one was home, and I had nothing to do. I walked around the house for about 20 minutes, contemplating my life. I then decided that the window is the ideal place to do a little life-contemplating, so up the stairs I went onto the second floor. I walked slowly down the hall, into my parent's bedroom, where a window showing a nice overhead angle view of the front of my house could be seen.       So I'm just looking. There are some kids playing, cars driving by, enough to focus my attention on for a few minutes. So then a car pulls up in front of my house. A portly, black man steps out of it. He walks around it, to the large bush in front of my house. This was all very curious, indeed. He steps in between his car, and the bush and, you guessed it, he starts urinating.        It seemed to take forever, as if time had ceased to exist due to his bladder liquid excretion. It went in slow motion. Splash. Sloosh. Pat pat against the leaves. Drip. I was frozen in a stare. Sure, I had seen people urinating in public (way too many times actually), I have even seen two different defications, but this was too much. This was my property, my house, my block, and my neighbors, not more than 15 yards away, going about their lives. Did they see this act of desecration? Had the small children playing not two houses down seen this, and been permanently scarred for life? Or was it ignored, as one typically would do when such a sickening, awkward display is made public. Or was I the only one to see it, as if it was a dream that I was alone in, over as soon as it started, as if nothing had happened.       After he finished, he looked around him (interesting he should look around NOW, after not being careful enough to check for witnesses beforehand), zips up his pants (I think), goes back in his car, and drives away. I stood there, staring at the bush which had been permanently altered. I must have stood there for 10 minutes, staring out the window in disbelief at what had just happened.         
  look up. you see those ducks, right? whats up with them? have they been ducknapped? do they even exist? can i fuck them and watch it implode?     anatidaephobia; the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.  
  I was on my evening walk last fortnight when the urge to relive myself came upon me quite suddently.  Being as there was no water cloest around I decided to do my buisness in the woody brush.  After donating to the woodlands a rather prodigious dump, I proceded to wipe my crevasse.  As it turns out a day later, I wiped my ass with poison oak.  Oh, fiddlesticks.  Because of my inflamation of the buttocks, I now have to walk everywhere like a cowboy.  
  The Jazz musician with the faded fedora walked from table to table saying,"Stick around, we've got another set."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  We decided her husband is being even more of an asshole than usual, and that it's the stuff he's taking to lose weight and get all musclebound.  So we took all the caps and substituted lookalikes that were mainly for gas relief. Seems to be working, he's not as pissy lately and he hasn't farted in two weeks. But he's still fat. Can't have everything.  
  Art schools encourage creativity.  It's entirely possible that the method with which I am going to submit my portfolio will create a police standoff, likely resulting in me spending a night or two in prison.  I can't wait, wish me luck.  
  It's inevitable.  The week full of oral presentations, and I'm coming down with awful congestion.  But lucking at the brighter side of things, maybe I sound sexier with a clogged up nasal passage.  And the way I say 'clogged up nasal passage' is just too suave ;-)        
  The lobster party was at the Hollis' that year. Libby dissected her lobster instead of cooking it; pointed out all the key organs to the younger children. She probed with excitement. I was impressionable.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
   Interior Design  Our landlord didn't want to spend a penny on our house. On the other hand, he never came around, so we got to decorate it any way we liked. Chris Cuddihy, in the basement, liked two walls in flat black, and the other two covered with aluminium foil. The rest of us never went down there. We liked the idea of a fat red stripe running up the middle of one wall, across half of the ceiling, taking a right-turn, and running down the middle of the next wall. Weirdly, we discovered that we always congregated in the quarter of the room delimited by the fat red stripe. When we started to freeze in the winter, we turned to the fireplace, and the floorboards that took up the other 3/4 of the room. As we ripped them up, we discovered it wsa really easy to walk across the bare joists to get to our red-stripe-delimited "comfort zone." But the extra floorboards eventually ran out, and we started to freeze again. Then somebody pointed out that we didn't really need half of those floor joists... This all finally ended when we did a "moonlit flit" as it is called in Scotland. In other words, we simply abandonded the place for the landlord to discover.   
  i just read a headline in the mainichi daily news (japanese-english) that said "bottom falls out of schoolgirl panty market".  
  I was at the vdeogame store a few weeks back, and I was in line, and I heard this guy and this girl giggling about how they'd had sex on a DDR(*) mat and the idiotic DDR voice was going "Great going!" "Wow! You're hot tonight!" and "Can you keep up the pace?"like that, rabbiting on behind them. And I thought to myself "God, what geeks.". Then I looked down and saw that I had rented Akira and a PowerPuff Girls...on DVD.  God is cruel.  (*) DDR = Dance Dance Revolution, a game where you earn points by jumping up and down on left, right, up and down arrows on a large mat you lay out on your floor. All this is set to music. It's fun. Really. I swear to fucking God.  
  vindictive so im driving along soldiers field road in the haze that precedes clinical emergency beeper night its five pm i just left my real job quote endquote and am trying to make it to the lockdown before sabrina zips herself for good this time  a little stressed im in the right lane doing the speed limit when some asshole in a gold yah gold metallic shitty beatup ford escort flies up behind me and leans on his horn funny i remember human beings passing on the right whatever so i pull into the left lane and just as i do the jackass switches lanes and is behind me irate yelling and gesticulating at his windshield and leaning on the horn with renewed vigor whatever so i switch back to the right lane and he wails on by me staring at me and flipping me the bird yelling redfaced evil shit  well he was so busy flipping me off that he didn't see the dpw truck waiting to make a left hand turn and buried his nose into its bumper i had slowed down to pass him and he wasnt hurt or anything and the truck didnt even know the little piece of shit hit him but i sidled up next to the car and tooted the horn to wit asshole upon looking up sees me waving to him as if i was eight and he was the grandma i hadnt seen in a year head veins can you say head veins questionmark i figgered id probably see him in lockdown later and sabrina would be the one who seems the saner of the two        
  I was walking downtown today and I could hear the base line of the muzak they play for the shoppers and I thought it sounded like pretty good techno. Even started walking in time and everything. Then I realized, once traffic noises stopped and I could hear the music better, that I was jamming to the Macarena. Oh well.  
  i'm a nice guy. ask my friends.  early freshman year, a friend of mine goes down on me in my dorm room. it wasn't bad, but she treated it like a popsicle.   she massages me until i fall asleep on my birthday. she talks me through a nasty bout with depression. she takes me out for an expensive dinner.  i take her out for her birthday. and ask her to split the check. she's stylish, so I buy her an "ultra-fashion" slap bracelet for Christmas. $5, KB-toys.  she stops talking to me.  i'm a nice guy. ask my friends.                          
  My friend and I volunteered at a nature center for a spell back when we were about 12.  The guy that was in charge of our duties had been hauling leaves in his truck all afternoon, and there were remnants all over his truck bed.  We had leafblowers to take care of the nature trails, so of course I thought it would be great to use one.  Without thinking (or even knowing, for that matter), I blurted out,  "Boy, your truck could really use a blowjob." Shit, I've never seen anyone laugh that hard.  
  i work in the pharmacy at walgreens and all sorts of weird shit happens there. One day i get a phone order from an obgyn for a 80mm diaphram (really fucking large hole) i put the order in and have the name and all.   the lady came later that day to pick it up, a 60 something lady with a huge vagina  
   Once you've tasted X rated entertainment, R or PG entertainement just doesn't work.       
  the night that i became "that guy" (although i am a girl)  i drank too much and tried to show a bunch a people this "trick" with a beer bottle cap where you rub it on the wall and it sticks. turns out it only sticks to cement-style dorm room walls, not the nice drywall ones. what it does do is leave a big streak of paint from the bottle cap on the wall. everyone went from laughing to staring as i tried to rub it off, but ended up rubbing off the top layer of paint in a spot at eye level, exposing the different colored pain beneath. i never partied at that kids house again.  
  Am I more mature than the rest of my Japanesse class, or do they just have a vested interest in the words for penis, ass, and nipple? Penis = Chinpoko Ass = Oshiri Nipple = Chikubi Who knows, they may be onto something...  
  A favorite quote from a friend of mine:  "That's what fucking well happens when you send your wife and a Canadian to buy beer..."    
  One time I busted horrible God-awful ass while in bed with my girlfriend.  It was an SBD, so I asked her if she wanted some coffee.  "Huh?"  I scooped my hand down and brought out the abomination and held it up to her face.  "Coffee?"  I never knew she could punch that hard.  MORAL:  Though it can seriously disrupt your game for a day or two, there's nothing quite like sharing a warm patch of air with your girlfriend.  
  Sleeping in math class.  Nothing brings me greater joy (except maybe sleeping in Physics.  Yuck.).  Just put my head down on my nice, cushy paperback textbook that I paid an ungodly amount for, snuggle up in my giant, warm coat, and doze off.  "Integrate the fucker!"  I jolted up.  The hell was that?  Everyone in class absolutely burst into laughter.  I blink, then realize my math teacher, a young'un who looked no more than 28, acted real nice and happy-go-lucky, loved math (yes, he's a scary bastard)... had spouted off that comment.  I simply put my hand over my face, shook my head, and thought of what was more lowbrow:  a) The aforementioned teacher speaking such a comment, completely unexpected and out of the blue, or   b) That this was the only, and I mean ONLY, comment that would probably have startled me enough to actually pay attention to differential equations.  Except maybe "Ok, time's up."  Which would suck.  Glad exams are NEXT week...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, she and I went out after being friends for three years. I took her to a fancy restaurant and we had drinks before dinner, and a bottle of wine with. She was so nice to look at. Oh man. We took a walk to the river afterward, and sat on this rock under the railing where no one could see us. I pulled out a joint and we smoked and giggled and the sun set into the trees beyond. Talk about romance. She turned to me at a quiet moment and stared with deeply stoned eyes. Then she said, 'I have to sh*t. I have to sh*t right now.' I was stoned as I kept guard as she dropped trou, and squatted in the bushes below.  She asked me what leaves looked good to wipe with. I pointed out the rhubarb. She said it was too rough. She sat back on the rock and I sat beside her. The sky was wonderful. She began to throw up. Throw up for 2 hours, as I rubbed her back and stared at the sky. I drove her home and then went to see my friends. 'Where's the girl?' 'I have seen the evil,' I replied, ;and he is me.' I got more drunk.  She left for medical college, and I still don't know if there is anything between us.         
  so I wake up the other morning to some guy jacking off...  what the hell do people do in situations like that?  when in doubt, light up a smoke    
  Waiting for the bus after work, I got kinda thirsty.  So I went over to the fruitopia machine and after I put in my dollar and pressed the button, a cute little hispanic kid came over, pressed a different button (without paying), and then took my drink out of the machine.  He looked up at me and said "My drink".  I told him no, you have to put in a dollar, it's my drink, but he just gave me the doe eyes and repeated "my drink".  I looked over to the kid's parents for help, but they were just watching and smiling.  So I wrestled the fruitopia out of the kid's hands and got on the bus.  
   We sat on the smooth linoleum, loosely gathered around the kitchen.  The talk focussing on high school reminiscence, evilly shaped potatoes, feministic masogenists, and every other type of mundane cereal-box philosophy.  And then,  right out of the blue, like some super-star-studded-Romeo, he demanded that she let him lick the freckles off her skin. No joke. He wanted to lick each and every single fucking one of them until they came off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  whhhhthawp   the soft skull of idealism on the coldhardunforgiving ice of insincerity egomaniacal narcissism that is the rest of the world click clack the loading of the clip in macnine in the war against idealism there are sometimes residual casualties pictures at eleven highschools macdonalds postoffices  flackjackets anyone       
  Proof of God's existence and His love for Man: If God did not exist, or if He did not indeed love us, would there not be GIGANTIC fuckin' venomous insects and spiders scuttling about the Earth, heavy with the weight of their disgusting slimy eggs?  
  It had to be in Amsterdam. It wasn't the night of the mushrooms, or the wasted day on space cake, but when we decided to go into the red light district.  And there we were, three guys and a girl giggling insanely, staring at bestiality videos and enormous dildos whilst Ronan Keating was singing "You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All" on the radio.  I can't hear that song now without thinking about girls going down on horses.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Those lying Crest bastards!  The Spinbrush Pro doesn't have a spinning brush.  It should be called Giratingbrush Pro.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         greybeard  an avid giants fan decided to keep the jets hat from the grabbbag the giants promptly lost the jets beat dallas coincidence you say        
  Ever notice how much harder it is to put sugar in someone's gas tank these days, especially if they have those "secure" gascaps? Takes almost a half hour longer.  Damn, sometimes tech is just not in my favor.  
  not mine, but he'll never tell it, so I will....  Single male, early thirties, has entire family over for Thanksgiving. Parents, Aunts, Uncles, neices, sister, in-laws... you get the picture.  He's cooking in the kitchen, neice wants to watch her Barney video, brother in-law turns on the TV, fuck channel comes blaring on, shot of a girl riding a dude and screaming her head off. Everyone stops and stares at the TV. Brother in-law has wrong remote, only shuts the vcr off, does nothing about the porn.  Friend has to run through kitchen, dining room, past all his relatives, jaws on the floor, checking out the last thing he had on TV before he shuts it off......  Dead Silence..........   lowbrow.....    
  I have just seen a anti-drug commercial, it was ridiculous.  There was a lone black dude, in some acura legend piece of shit (stoner car of choice, through experience) with smoke billowing out, circling a fast food restaurant and making prank orders over the intercom.  They're stupid pranks, and on his 4th or 5th pass, a little girl is riding by on a bike, and he hits her pulling out. .............. .....Damn.... Never once has being stoned inspired me to an act of negilgant homocide, and I don't think that's happened a single time out of smoking (well, like that anyways).  I wonder at what point they decided to return to the habit making up crazy bullshit as an anti-drug campaign?  
   Co-Counselling #3  (I'm doing one-on-one "counselling" with an Olympic-class gymnast. Yes, honestly.) From #2:  When I hug her tight once again, I remark that, every time I hug her, it seems like her legs start to wrap around me.  She: "Oh, you noticed? Yeah, I can't help it..."   We quickly schedule another "co-counselling" session, which comes up amazingly soon. She drives out to my isolated farm, again. She's a drug counsellor, with a wonderful attitude about her job. She: "Getting high is part of human nature! My job is just to stop people from fucking their lives up." We get down to business, which, of course is "co-counselling." Me: "I know it's against the rules, but I'd like to counsel while stoned." The drug cousellor loves her dope (I can spot them a mile away), so we get high and talk seriously for awhile. But we're sitting close, and her titties are  right there . I lunge forward and grab them. I'm horrified, and apoligise. She: "No way!" I cringe. She: "No way can you grab them without looking at them!" She leans back, pulls her T-shirt over her head, and spills them all over me.  (Yes, I know I make moments up sometimes, but no, this all actually happened)  I'll post the end of it, later...  
  My co-worker thinks she is a vampire. She LOVES being in the sun, she loves garlic, has a reflection, conceived a normal human child and she doesn't drink blood.   Where does the vampire part come in?  
  My friend sorts through his dirty clothes, and turns up a pair of shit-stained boxers.  "Jesus," says the other guy in the room. "Don't you ever wipe your ass dude?"  "Well," he replies, "I normally use your girlfriend's dignity, but..."  I burst out laughing, but before collapsing in laughter, I manage to blurt out: "Since she has none LEFT, it's not like he has a choice."  We almost died laughing. God, the other guy was pissed.    
  Rainy day in Edinburgh, Scotland. Of, course, just about  every  day is a rainy day in Edinburgh, so I guess it must have been an exceptionally-rainy day. Two of my female flat-mates* and I are stuck inside, bored.  They decide they want to play dressup, but of course there aren't any dolls in the house. All there is is me. They prop up the album cover from David Bowie's "Aladdin Sane" and go to work. Two hours of them crawling around all over me (yum!) later, they declare I'm done. I take a look in the mirror. I'm an utterly, completely perfect replica. Pure-white shoulders, zig-zag makeup all over my face... Without so much as a by-your-leave, they've even somehow changed my hair color to bright red. They're almost beside themselves with delight, jumping up and down with their wonderful titties wiggling away. They ask what I think. I don't say a word. I just walk over to the umbrella rack, pick out the best three, hand them one each, link my arms through theirs, and take them out to the pub for a beer or three.  -------------- *(Hi, Janie and Kirsty -- you still owe me for the electric bill! I'm not going to forget any time soon, either. It's only 25 years and counting, after all...)  
  A beautiful, smart, sexy girlfriend I had once and stupidly lost once told me that sometimes late at night at her folks' house she would watch the scrambled playboy channel and masturbate. I thought only really horny losers like me did that. Anyway, it still turns me on to think about that...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Top ten things omniverse will talk about every time I have a conversation with him.  10) His dick 9) Burger King 8) Dragon Warrior 7) Barbecue Sauce 6) Heavy Metal 5) Soda 4) Stores in Virginia that I don't have here in Pennslyvania 3) His dick (he talks about it a lot) 2) Asshole's we've worked with 1) Hot Asian Ass    
  girls with anorexia suffer from two things: 1.  not eating 2.  uptightness about their body image and appearance.  is there any reason that smoking pot would not solve both of these problems?  if i'm ever faced with a daughter with anorexia, i'm gonna go buy her first eighth, show her how to roll her first joint, and sit out on the back stoop and get really baked with her.  then feed her a bunch of cupcakes.  in three weeks she'll put on 25 pounds, make friends with people who are much more laid back, and stop worrying about having a 22-inch waist.  medicinal marijuana, man... that's the ticket.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We once had this cousin with a speech impediment. Whenever he said any word starting with a t-, th-, or tr-, it would come out sounding like f-.  We used to watch trucks go by. Then we'd laugh like idiots.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         back in high school, our physics class was creating parallel ciruits with wire, 9V batteries and tiny light bulbs.  the teacher left the room, and i happened to notice the steel wool a few feet from me. i snatched a small amount, and proceeded to show the class how it will sparkle with even the smallest electric current. had a small fire going when i heard the classroom door open.  i panicked, and tried to put out the fire by slapping at the steel wool, the way one stamps out fire with his shoe. the steel wool stuck to my hand, and when i raised it, i had a small fireball in my palm. i continued to smash my hand into the table, cursing obscenities as the vile odor of burnt flesh filled the room and the class laughing their pubescent asses off. fortunately it wasn't the teacher who came in the room, but she did come back a minute later and commented on the foul odor. damn, that was cool.  i had a fireball in my hand!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just found out my mom has a seemingly infinite renewal on a prescription for darvocet and just keeps getting it filled, stockpiled in the guest bathroom.  Now that visit home I've been dreading doesn't sound so bad.  
  ever stop to think... and forget to start again?  
  My mother gave me some money to buy t-shirts from a catalog in high school. I forget what I ordered, besides a Minor Threat shirt. She came into my room while I was listening to the 'Complete Discography' CD, and I was excited for her to hear what she bought me a shirt for, until the music stopped and Ian MacKaye blared, "At least I'm fucking trying! What the fuck have you done?". She didn't even care. That was the best.  She didn't like my White Zombie shirt, though, because it said something like "Get ready for astro-humping psycho-heads from hell" on the back, plus it had the rad 'Route 666' image of the devil with his arms around two large-breasted biker chicks. Let me wear it anyway.  
  There is this hip Pizza joint in salt lake city called The Pie. All of the college frat kids hang out there. They have this jukebox that never gets updated with new music. They have the Macarena on this pareticular Juke-Box. I went and got $5.00 worth of quarters and spent it all on the Macarena..  30 minutes later, the place was empty...  My friend fish gave me that idea...the kid is a fucking genius!  
  The one day I actually felt sorry for all the porn stars I have ever seen was when I was sitting on the john having a good old stroke.  Now not having choked for a while I was a bit tense, I never knew I had such strength, but the little fuckers shot out and hit me in the eye.  I swore like a bitch and had to mumble some excuse to my mom about falling in the shower.  That shit burnt, had to close my eye while I carried on.  So I am apologising now to all those porn stars I have watched get jizzed in the eyes.  
  About a year and a half ago I canceled my cable because I'm a poor bitch.  AT&T never turned it off.  But they DID come out and install a cable modem.  And now it's been about 4 months since I've paid that bill...and not one single "disconnect if you don't pay" notice.  And now, I'm just trying to figure out what else AT&T has to offer me for free.  Wait...is that lowbrow or just plain ghetto?  
  i downloaded some episodes of the family guy today. one ended up being a really hot, artistic, lesbian porn. thats a victory in my book.  
  a few nights ago, after some very heavy drinking, two of my friends bet me $10 a piece that i couldn't eat an entire bag of microwave popcorn in 15 minutes.  the problem was, the popcorn was burnt.  so burnt, in fact, that it looked more like charcoal than any kind of food.  i got most of the way through the bag, and on the last handful, i bagan throwing up.   i threw up four or five times, all over their white carpet and bathroom. the vomit looked like tar.  
  so i should stop watching VH1.  Michael Jackson so honestly creeps me out that i almost vomited all over myself.  "it's a very loving atmosphere... we wake up at the crack of dawn and go ride in the hot air balloon..."  representatives of Mr. Jackson should not be offended that the documentary showed him in such a bad light. the man is fucking crazy, even if he's not a child molestor, and my money is on that he is. he does not live in this reality.  now there's something new for my nightmares. :\   
  That was a fine bowel movement, he thought.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I emailed my mother and told her I was moving into the city. This was her reply:  "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND! I mean.....that's nice son, good luck. Please keep in mind that the people that have to live in areas like that may find it insulting that you choose to live in areas like that. Please be careful....trust very very few if anyone. Please remember how much I love you at all times. Don't let your buddies pass out on their backs, turn them on their side.... DON'T do any drugs especially crack and anything that may have heroin in it, which could just about be in anything. and stop drinking until you puke! You'll never find a nice girl like that. Be safe, Love ya, Mom. Oh yah! Always use condoms! But you already knew that right? Did I say be careful!"  Emailed her back and told her I loved her for the first time in four years. That so made my day.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I using the restroom on this particularly shitty Sunday afternoon at work and noticed a funny cloud near the ceiling. I figured that someone was smoking in the bathroom again. When I was washing my hands I realized that it didn't smell like smoke. For a brief moment I imagined that my employers were piping some sort of gas in throught the ventilation system, that I could get high and THEN sue them. That was until I took a deep breath and recognized the artificial rose blend that my grandma uses in her bathroom.  Fucking automatic air fresheners.   
  Masturbating frequently has its disadvantages; once this girl started doing it, and I insisted on taking over and showed her how it's done.  Then the irony hits me.  
  When I used to visit my friend's apartment I'd scoff at the porn mags strewn around and say things like "No wonder you guys never get chicks over here."  Half an hour later I'd be flicking through one on the couch.  I've been single for an eternity. My friend has had a girlfriend for over a year.    
   Eproctolagniac:  person aroused by flatulence   Eproctophilia:  arousal from flatulence    it doesn't require a punchline.  
  When I was about 12 I had to walk through about a scary ass hood to get home after hockey practice.   For a long time i was afraid and people saw that and fucked with me.   One day I decided that *I* was the one on the streets that people should fear.  After all these years I find out that I was right, I am a scary SOB.  
  It was one month until the end of my first semester of my first year of college.  In those few months I managed to lose my virginity, get into two fights, and get dumped over an outdoor intercom.    And all for one girl that I didn't really like in the first place.  Believe or not, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While pissing at the urinal, I accidentally let go of my underwear band, and it snapped back on my nuts. Such a simple thing, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.   But fuck did that hurt like a bitch  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The billionaire owner of my company just asked me if I had ever watched "Private Porn".  He informed me that it was the best you could get.  I wonder why it is that he thinks that I, an innocent young woman would know about porn?  Probably because I was the one that defined snowball, feltching, and angry dragon for him.  God I love this company.  
  I was four when it happened. It was foggy and cold and I was at my cousin's kindergarten. She was six. So anyway she and her friend were playing on the swings. Grandpa tells me to tell her we have to go now so I run up to cousin and  smack  and i'm knocked to the floor  i get back up and my nose is bleeding "i'm bleeding!!" her friend: he's bleeding cousin: oh it's just ketchup "it's not ketchup!!"  it wasn't ketchup.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         BrewPub, late at night. I walk in, but there's only two customers there, and the barmaid is the same one who I asked to play my Biker Joe Warren CD, enticing her with some of the song titles, like "Hershey Highway," and "I Just Wanna Fuck You One More Time." I figure that barmaids' skin must be an inch thick, given their work environment, but hers wasn't. So I've got some work to do before she and I are level again. I turn to leave, but the couple in the corner beg me to stay and talk. No problem -- the woman is  exactly  my type: tall, skinny, intelligent, strong-featured, lots of unkempt dark hair... yum. Early on, I realize that these two guys are  crazy  for each other, and sweet as hell to watch together, so I back off and go into pure, weightless flirting mode. This is not the sports bar, no arm-wrestling here. So of course I offer to arm-wrestle for her. She giggles and loves it, but it's hard to get a 31 year-old to blush. I ask if they're married. They are. Me: "You just lucked out then, buddy. Because otherwise, she would be mine." They both laugh at that one, looking at each other with pure love. We're having fun. This is their 4th anniversary. Me: "4 down, 3 to go..." She: "Everybody tells us that! Why?" (because it's the sad truth, you gorgeous woman...) We talk brewpubs. They're from Joisey, and on a tour. I give them some local tips. Grand time. They make to leave. I invite them to play pool, down the street. They seriously consider it. She: "He's very good." Me: "I hope so. You  know  what the bet would have to be." He laughs, She giggles. No blush, yet. I shake his hand, warmly. I've enjoyed his company. I take her hand, stare deep in her eyes, and say "enchante." She giggles  and  blushes. Yes! I whisper to her: "Don't have children, and call me in three years, OK?" She blushes like a teenager, and won't let go of my hand...  
  Observed on campus today:  A fat pasty girl with a nose ring and an eyebrow ring, green, purple, and blue hair, jeans about 8 sizes too big, wearing a shirt that said: "YOU! Out of the gene pool!"  Hm. Mixed signals.  
  We got our yearbooks a little while ago. My friend had preordered one, so he got it. During our programming class, we went through it, looking at how badly it was done this year, espacially since it was a whole $25 for this crap. This morning I got a slip that said I hadn't picked up mine. I didn't order one, so I got the crap for free. :)  I'm keeping it, it may be shit, but it's free   
  One night, when I was in Scotland, I got drunk beyond belief. The next morning, I got up and my friends convinced me to have a full breakfast. So, we decide to go shopping (On Black Friday), and as we're on the extremely crowded bus, my stomach starts to churn. I get up to move toward the front of the bus, but it's a slow move with all the people. As I walk, I'm literally swallowing my own vomit. Just before I get out of the bus, I see this really cute guy in front of me, and I start to throw up. I hold my jacket to my mouth, and the vomit EXPLODES outward in all directions, covering the guy in my puke.  That night, I called home and cried to my mother.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After knocking back at least 11 pints, I watched him slowly and quietly fill the last three back up with vomit, and slip the glasses under his chair without spilling a drop.    What else should I have expected from my favorite math professor?  
  standing at the toilet emptying my bladder before I head off to bed I glance at the wall and see a big old nasty brown recluse spider.  Now I'm not scared of spiders, but this little fucker is just too mean and poisionous to leave alone. So I grab some toilet paper and try to make spider mash out of him.  In hindsight trying to kill a spider while you have your flowing dick in your hand is not really a good idea.  The nice thing about living alone though is that you don't have to clean up all that piss if you don't want to, but that will probably turn out to be a bad idea in the long run as well.    
  I occasionally work as a meat-cutter at my folks' "Mom and Pop" type store...  I hate it.  Tonight, this whiny 9ish year old girl came in with her mother, who order two slabs of steak (I don't give a fuck what it is called).  Her daughter whined and bitched, almost in tears of how gross it looked.  The mother just stood there, as if not to notice.   I wanted to hold the steak to the kid, Vanna-White style, and "mooo"  I suppressed the urge.  sometimes I hate myself....  
  today i had sex with my boyfriend and after we finished i pulled the condom off and squeezed the cum out and drank it. he video taped it. i'd do it again.  
  I was over at my buddy's house along with my buddy (it's his house!) and one of his friends, talking about a party my buddy had had and we all had attended.  The subject came around to me getting head at the party, which had happened.  My buddy's friend was telling him all about it, how he walked in and there I was, sitting on my buddy's pillow, getting a porn-style sloppy blow job, spit and sweat drippin' onto his pillow.  One of the phrases that he kept saying was "ass crack all up in the pillow!"  Well, my buddy of course was shocked and offended (and prob. hurt that I was getting head on his pillow; not him) and I was laughing my ass off and turning all shades of red and everything.  I really wish his friend had been telling the truth, because the fact that I got a sloppy, porn-style blowjob on his couch just somehow isn't lowbrow enough.  You know I love ya, Mr. O-busy!  
  Thinking back to the time period when I was 19-20 and jumped the number on my "list" from 7 to 25 in one year...  I once fucked a guy (or should I say, he fucked me, in a restaurant bathroom.  It was the ladies room, I lost an earring down the toilet, I still have the match.  He went by his middle name, he wasn't very good but I fucked him 2 other times because although he was engaged, he was around when I was with my friends.  
  In like 8th grade this kid was sleeping and we drew a big penis on his face with a sharpie marker going to his mouth squirting cum and whatnot. in the morning he awoke yelling about how we fucked with him while trying to sleep. he exclaimed "you guys are such dicks" only to look in the mirror and realize the awful truth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Either I've had a 72 hour hangover, or its time to go back on anti-depressants.  
  I met a gorgegous girl tonight she was cool now we're at a bar called the Site and I'm acting like a fool because i wanna have a chance put she's putting fuss saying if you want me for romance you have to want Jesus   
  So I was out buying bras today... And I was in the fittingroom trying them on.  My boobs are pretty big, so this one had 4 hooks on it. All i could think...  "Man, guys are never gonna be able to unhook this by themselves, especially if they're drunk."   I actually put that one back just because of that reason.   
  Ways and Places at which I have masturbated in my lifetime. (List will be amended as time goes on)  Stuck it in a vacuum cleaner hose and then switched the vac off and on over and over again to simulate sucking action. Humped a door knob. Stuck a hairbrush handle up my hole and twisted it about. Used an electric toothbrush. Tapered candles in both holes which started to melt with my body heat. Laying under a running faucet. Holding the back end of an electric razor up to my privates. Sitting on my heel and rocking back and forth. Placing a text book between my legs and squeezing my thighs together fast over and over during a history lecture, freshman year in college. Grinding against corners of various tables. Inserting strawberries and raspberries (not at the same time) up there and then pulling them out slowly and eating them. Cucumbers (although they never made me orgasm I just wanted to see how much I could take). Conair Massager (the ones from Target) with the bulb type attachment. In my car in traffic, with a textbook. In the vibrating $3k chair at Sharper Image. In the bathroom at my second job with a dirty magazine. With the Pocket Rocket. With my own underwear.    I have often masturbated in public and no one knows. Orgasms are small, but multiple.  I never crack a sweat.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving with my buddy. We blew past a nice office building. I was wearing a ratty old T-shirt and my army pants. We looked like a bunch of tools that had climbed out of a sewer.  The music in my buddies stereo was loud. I think we were listening to Sublime.  I was waving to random people (something I do frequently). I waved to some guy in a nice business suit. He flipped me the bird.  Later that night my mom introduced me to her date for that evening.  Guess who it was? Mr. Middle Finger himself.  "Don't I know you from somewhere?" I said.  "Nope. I don't ever recall meeting you before."  "Oh right! I remember you. You fingered me and Doni while we drove by your office building. Have a nice date."  My mom ditched him with a stiff restaurant bill.  
  over to a friends house to hook some herb then to his friend's house so he can get his mexican dirtweed shady ass fool and his fatassed wife are there... the wife leaves him and the two year old son with us i feel kinda wary about smokin in front of the kid, but my friend insists that is alright after i hit it i passed it to the kids dad, who handed right to the kid knew how to work the lighter and everything... even carbed the shit i dont know if it was cool, or just wrong  
  "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"   So what?  Who's in a hurry?          
                                             Ever notice  how abnormally confident the cashier's at McDonalds are? I don't want an attitude coming from some low- level, acne prone employee  who's only oral obligation to me is "Do you want fries with that"   Bring me my burger bitch  
  LaDonna was sitting on the kitchen counter of my apartment, dangling her tan, lithe legs while I chopped fresh vegetables for dinner.  I sprayed some Simple Green onto the stovetop to clear away some grease.  "What's that?" she asked.  "It's the best grease cutter I know of. And it is completely safe and biodegradable." With that, I squirted some in my mouth and swallowed it. It was tangy, but not bad.  That night, we enjoyed the best, ligering fuck of our ten day love affair.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Not my moment - a friend's.  He and his wife bought a great looking black Tee shirt for his 15-year old son for Christmas.  On the back was a picture of a cute monkey. On the front the words, "Spank the Monkey".  The 15-year old son had to tell dad the meaning.  
  "here's your mail... hmm its opened. It wasn't when i put it in my car. maybe someone broke into my car and opened your mail. Thats a federal offense isnt it? wow, opening someone's mail is worse than grand theft auto." "even worse if you broke into a car, drove over state lines and then opened someone's mail." "yeah right as you're crossing state lines." "yeah, with a llama in the car...a llama who's shooting open the mail --with an unregistered shotgun." "yeah, a llama that youre fishing off the back of while youre driving and opening mail." "and youre crossing the lines with a small child in the car--who's doing crack." "a small child who isnt secured in a safety seat." "yeah, heh heh."   
  She ordered the fish and I was ordering the chicken when I realized I hadn't taken my my meds. She was in for a bumpy ride.  
  "Ooo, hellooo sexy." Okay, that's cute when my guy friends say it, but not total strangers. What am I supposed to say, "WOW you've charmed me with your suave ways I think you must be my soul mate let's go watch some sports on tv and belch the alphabet naked"?   Come on, I saw you staring at me since you turned that corner, you had plenty of time to think of something creative to say.     
  Hey all you fuckers check this out:  Go to any search engine and look up lowbrow.  Without fail the first hit will be our gracious host here but dig:  depending on the engine you use and the time you search the results display a different moment.  As if you needed more distraction.  
  Grocery clerk entry #14: Fat middle aged women in pumps shouldn't sashay.  
   A friend just reciently came to me and asked me to "hook him up" with some weed. by hook up he means get him in to it as he never tried it before, and everybody knows it's damn hard to just strike out on your own, knowing shit about the whole thing is just begging to get horrible laced shit that they ripped you off for.  anyway, sure enough, i'll get us some good shit, show him the ropes. i mean it's not like i'm corrupting him or anything. he came to me. i asked him about 5 times if he was serious.  i don't know wether i should be insulted or flattered.  
  One time I jacked off.  I was cumming and as I did this miraculous thing, I got caught in the moment and opened my mouth just as I blew my load about two feet in the air.  Needless to say I know why I girlfriend spits out now.  
  i was at the pool yesterday when i saw a mom in the water suddenly look upset and drag her 4 or 5 year old daughter off to the hallway where the bathrooms were.  it made me think of the old saying about how having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing zone in a pool.  then i just laughed and got in  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The boyfriend's car has seat warmers.   The first time he put them on without me noticing, I felt this warmth spread on my ass and some of my crotch.  For a moment I thought I pissed my pants without noticing.  
  I once set our microwave on fire because I forgot to put the water in the cup-o-soup.  
  I feel really lucky that I can buy halfway decent wine for 2.99 a bottle.  
  After a serious session with Mr. Green, I might be found    munching: (1) An entire box of Drake's Yodels (preferably frozen), chocilate skin surgically  removed and consumed first; (2) Five Jack-in-the-box regular tacos (extra sauce). These seemingly taste better after 2:00am, for no overtly explicable reason; (3) Sara Lee Banana Cake (preferably frozen) - while I am no fan of banana cake, they reside in abundance in my mother's freezer which are a welcome relief from sunflower seed and granola found elsewhere in her cupboard; (4) One-pound of M&M's (not frozen) green ones last;  Rather sad, huh?  
   Is this what I expected from my life?   Standing out on the porch at night, contemplating the legality of buying an AR-15 with a scope and a laser dot and using it so when the neighbors across the street are watching us, we can watch back in style.   As long as it wasn't loaded, I don't think they can charge me with anything serious.        
   the doctor is in  the string of letters which tumbled after his name and the big desk in his office belie the fact that he is a sociopath who knows all the ways around getting caught       
  Want to know if you have worms??   Don't eat for about 3 days and warm up a glass of milk and hold it to your nose and breath it in.  If you have worms they are supposed to be able to smell the milk and come out your nose trying to get at it.          
  One boring night at the laundromat, I stepped outside, looked up, and noticed a very large Aranea spiderweb (that classic stopsign shaped web) above. It was out of human reach, and attatched to a well lit business sign that attracted lots of flying bugs.  The big yellow spider in the middle looked well fed and alert. I should think so, with what must be for spiders, a prime real estate location.       
  lyzz liked to leave food sitting around for awhile, then just poor it in the toilet (a perfectly acceptable practice if you have no garbage disposal, which we didn't).   one time, she left a bowl of honeycomb cereal sitting around for awhile, and the little hexagonal corn puffs got pretty bloated. she eventually poured 'em in the toilet, but didn't bother to flush, so they got *way* bloated. her roommate comes in a bit later, pees, looks in the toilet, and yells, "COME HERE!  LOOK WHAT I PEED!!"  
  we met online.  introduced by a mutual "friend".  she was hot. sent me naked pics. she really did look like that when we met in real life about 4 months later.   i was on tour with a really big rock band you all have heard of. all the guys stopped teasing me that she was going to be a guy when she showed up.  damn she was fine. i thought i'd met the girl of my dreams.  i moved to texas to be with her.   one night, about 6 weeks after i moved there, she tells me she has herpes.   after we have sex.   that sucked the hard right out of my dick and i haven't been the same since.  we tried to make it work for a bout six months after that. but when you live with someone who makes a habit of lying, you either sell your soul or leave.  it's been a little over a year since i moved back home. i think about her every day. i don't cry any more, but it still hurts a lot. i gave up my whole life for a lying, cheating whore.   and what does that say about me? that's the part that's been the hardest to get over...      
        come up with a sentence including the words  KY Jelly  and  bible .  
  I was waiting for the southbound bus.  He, barely 5 feet tall, pushing 60, long dirty gray beard, was on the other side of the street waiting for the northbound bus.  "I've been thinking about you!", he yelled across the street.  I yelled back, "Please don't."  He yelled back, "OK!" and got on his bus.  I haven't seen him since.  
  Stealing from the Vatican Gift Shop isn't stealing from God, it's stealing from God's pimp.  
  Particularly delighted to discover on random calander of lost English dialectual words a short passage about a 60-year-old bestial lover. An impressive list of amores: 1 cow, 2 heifers, 3 sheep and 2 sows; all of which were killed before his eyes before he was executed- to save their souls, presumably. Shame the jury was out for that one. Best thing is, all this took place in 1662- there really is nothing new under the sun.  
  I am rarely ever in the car with both my parents at the same time, but today was an exception. We got in the car and started driving, and my dad realizes that the car is in four wheel drive. he cant figure out how to get it out of four wheel drive, so he starts searching for the manuel. he cant find it so he asks my mom to look. She looks in the glove compartement, and nothing is there, so then she looks somewhere in my dads area  thinking there may be a little area near him. so she puts her head down right in his genital area. Im sure if anybody drove by and looked in, the thought she was giving him road head...i just laughed to myself  
  my cat is sitting on a very dirty pair of underwear and a pair of scissors, licking herself.  there's got to be some kind of pussy joke therein...  
  Another one of these new-fangled "not-my-moment" posts.  My buddy (Jay) was driving over to my house, and was in the left hand lane to make a left turn.  This particular street doesn't have a designated turn lane or an arrow, so he's stopped waiting for oncoming traffic.  The guy behind him gets impatient and starts honking a lot.  Jay is a funny guy.  So even after traffic clears, he waits until just as the light is changing to red to go, just to screw the dick behind him.  The guy accelerates around him to the right, turning to flip Jay the "double deuce" as Jay finally makes his turn.  In his rear view, Jay watches the asshole rear end a parked car because he was too busy flipping Jay off to drive correctly.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you know... it's when you try to give yourself a cool nickname and go around telling all of your friends you want to be called this nickname that you end up with a nickname like "shit-toes," or "lube-licker"  
  --"I don't know you." "Who knows anyone?" --"I have a boyfriend." "I can lie better than your boyfriend."  Flinching, waiting for the slap.  She just leaves -disgusted or flustered or maybe intrigued somehow... Two weeks later, we screw. She made me take a shower first. I still have a pair of her socks and a t-shirt.  
  I read a lowbrow moment where some guy said he looks down the dress of every woman he meets. I thought, why not turn it around and see how it works? So for a week I looked every man I saw directly in the crotch, checking out the package. I didn't see anything really impressive, but I did manage to clear a buffer zone around myself, as people moved away from me slowly and carefully when I'd stand laughing for no apparent reason.   
  We were nine.  We convinced my little brother to pick up the phone, dial "0" and say "Fuck you" to the lady who answered.  My brother got a serious ass-whooping for that!  
  "I have a habit of twirling my gum around my finger and then sucking it off," she said.  "Hmm," i said. "Better than having a habit of picking your ass."  
  what a shitty, shitty day, she continuously groaned. on and on about petty shit.  I interrupt You know what's a shitty day?  a shitty day is getting back from school dog tired at 5am and realizing you locked your keys in the apartment, so you have to go sleep on the floor of your school (Monday).  a shitty day is being 5 seconds from busting a nut when your neighbor looks in from the balcony, waves, and comes in, talking to you for 45 minutes oblivious to the fact that your dick is, in fact, hanging out of your pants pointing at her (tuesday).  a shitty day is hearing a creepy urgling sound from your bathroom while eating dinner, and later finding out that SHITWATER has for some reason bubbled up into your shower (today.)  and since there is STILL shitwater in my shower as i am going to bed tonight, i would say that tomorrow's shaping up to be a pretty shitty day as well.  "wow, you really know how to make me feel better" say her.  that's great, but now I'M depressed.  
    the bad brains have always been my favorite band of all time...i saw them last month for hte first time and the lead singer HR sang the whole set with his back to us.....either they suck or i'm too old to convince myself i had a good time      
  i had a few beers with _e_e and although i think he is a cross between hunter (and or jim) thompson, willy lohman, dr. subversive and an uncorked handgrenade, there is none i'd rather "go boozin'" with and no one i'd rather have beside me in a nasty, f-troop style, bar brawl. period. he can basically kiss my ass if he thinks i'd admit this to his face.         
  i had tortilla chips this afternoon, and i'm feeling them again.  there's a long, dense, (probably dark brown) turd rotating in my ass right now, just barely held in place by my sphincter muscles. . . and the edges of the chips are QUITE noticable.  i really really need to take a dump, and the bathroom door is within arm's reach. . .  i just. . .  don't refresh without me.  
  So I had no idea this guy was married that I met.  We dated a couple of times and I got pregnant.   I decided to have my child and he decided to tell me he was married.  My lawyer now gets me hush money checks every month @ 25% of his worth...he's a lawyer.  I love our legal system.  
  one of the worst things that could possibly happen to you.....  While attending a funeral you take a moment and go to the mens room. next thing you know everyones screaming and 3 guys are commin to kick your ass.  your head drops as you fall unconscious and remember seeing that you forgot to tuck your dick back into pants after you left the bathroom.  note...this has not happened to me  
    I didn't have sex with him, we just made out like crazy in our drunken state. I ended up spending the night having no idea the horror I would wake up to! I sat up in the bed, my eyes circling the room.     I saw a Darth Vader head, Dukes of Hazard cars, a lamp made out of a bong, a Greatful Dead & South Park poster, sheets on the windows (instead of curtains), yet no fitted sheet on the bed!!!!    I turned around & noticed that there were no pillowcases, I then decided to get up, go to the bathroom & get ready to go home. On my way to the filthy bathroom where I had to use ZEE napkins to wipe myself, I kicked over a couple of Natual Light cans & started to regret my desision making prosses from the night before. When I returned to his room, he was awake. I proceeded to ask him why there were no pillowcases & if it was laundry day. He replied " I just don't have any." This man is 30 years old!!    I wonder, are pillowcases the new American Dream?    Watch out ladies! He's out there!    
  I tell my friend about lowbrow  next day...  he says,"it was cool but, an entire website for just one quote?"  i have dumb friends  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Volunteered last week to pick up lunch for myself and a coworker whom I barely get along with.  On my return trip I rounded the corner too fast and the bag of McD's tipped over on the seat thus shooting fries all over the floor mat.    Had a hard time containing myself while watching her eat them (mine of course were the ones which stayed in the bag).  Needless to say I never asked her to pick lunch up for me out of fear that in some way she may have known.  
  I remember once when I went to my girlfriends house to meet here family for the 1st time.  As I 1st walked in i was saying my hello's as a cute dog walked up.  I said hello to the dog and reached my hand down to pet it.    As i reached down to pet the dog it snapped at me and drew blood so I kicked the hell out of it.  Her parents never liked me.  
  There are a lot of stray cats, and consequently stray kittens, around my neighborhood.  One day a few blocks from home I hear a little thunk and see a kitten come sprawling out from underneath my car.  Apparently I just nicked the little guy, because he was up and running as soon as he stopped tumbling.  He must have thought he was the luckiest little kitten that ever lived.  That is, until he saw that cement truck baring down on him.  
  Homeless people in New Haven feel the need to be so obnoxious that you'll give them money to get them to go away.  It's really fucking annoying. You're more likely to get my dollar by sitting on the street with a cup and a sign than you are by coming up to me and saying "Hey, do you got fifty cents? I'm hungry. I just got out of the hospital, I got these seizures..."  So I stopped him and said, "Don't tell me your sob story. Let me tell you why I can't give you fifty cents." Before I could tell him about being released from the Psych Ward the month before, losing my job two days before, losing nearly everything that allowed me to want to stay alive, he walked away.   Let that be a lesson to you, you fucking wino derelicts. I can top your stories, and I will.   
  My first act of vandalism.  I was in Grade 4, probably 8 or 9 years old, and it was the last day of school.  Me and a group of friends TP'd the teachers car.    She found out, and made us clean it off.  We slashed her tires.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm on the toilet reading lowbrow, trying to get that last fucking cling-on off my anus when it all becomes clear:  I need a squid ass!  An ass with a retractable squid-like beak that opens to let the shit flow, and snaps shut leaving shit on the inside, and a smooth, hard boney surface that can easily be wiped clean on the out side.  
  My younger brother was 3 at the time and I was 12. We went to Wendy's and my mom bought him a strawberry shake. My brother and I go to a table with our drinks while my mom is waiting for our food. As soon as my brother takes a big mouthful of strawberry shake, I make a totally goofy face and it works out just as I had planned: He laughed so hard, he had electric pink milkshake running out of both nostrils and I was laughing so hard that I nearly fell out of my chair. My mother shouted at me,  It's  NOT  funny!  All I could think of was,  Yes. Oh yes; it  IS VERY  funny!   
       When I was in college, I wandered into a Waffle House in a town in Indiana at 3:30am. This crazy lady comes in dressed in a night-gown and bunny slippers and screams "I wanna talk to the manager!"    The lady who took our order says  "The manager isn't working tonight"    The crazy lady replies  "OH I KNOW she's not working tonight cuz she's out somewhere FUCKING MY HUSBAND!!!"    I started to laugh uncontrollably and I crawled under the table.     That's when she whipped out the deck of poloroids which offered proof positive of her accusation. She was kicking me, yelling at the waitress and flipping snap-shots all over the place in less than a minute and a half. All I could do was cackle like a madman.        
  Been browsing the "Alt" section of the electronic lonleyhearts. Jesus, these people must have more STDs than a Ugandan truck stop        
  usually when we humped i would make her cum before me.  both to witness her going wild and to have the luxury of cumming when at my leisure.  sometimes though i would make her fucking crazy then cum real fast so i could roll over, feign sleep and listen to her quietly masturbate.  YES  
  In Somerville MA, there is a funeral home called "Long Funeral Home." I guess "Long" is the owner's name, but I bet they don't get much business...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A rookie just slammed our brand new $150,000 pumper truck into the building that was on fire.  Luckily no one was hurt but both the building and truck burned up.  The only thing that was said was by a bystander he said, "well thats coming out of your paycheck".  We all laughed, volunteer firefighters dont get paid.  Well i take that back  we get free beer.  Maybe thats why he wrecked.  
   Trying  Too  Hard To Fit In  Back in the heyday of hitchhiking, I was on my way to London on a cold, wet day (of course -- this was Britain).  Stuck at Scotch Corner for two hours, with 250 miles to go and little hope of that changing anytime soon, because there were about 12 hitchhikers ahead of me in the queue.  Hitchhiking etiquette rule #12: Never jump the queue unless invited to.  A big intercontinental lorry slows down, the driver sizing us up. He stops and points at me. I'm not sure what he saw in me, because my hair was as long as anybody's. Perhaps it was my white Pete Townsend overalls, though they were tie-dyed in various shades of green, and with 36" bell-bottoms that I'd sewn in by hand.  "Eh oop, lad -- where art thou off to?" (No, he wasn't a biblical figure -- in Yorkshire people still talk the same way they did when the King James Bible first came out.)  Me, hopefully: "Eh, London?"  He: "Tha just lucked out, then lad! Settle back an' have a cuppa cha, and we'll be there in no time. Bloody brass monkey weather, init?"  The tea was very welcome, as was the heat from the big diesel.   Me: "Where art thou going with lorry?" (I don't know what he thought of my attempt at a Yorkshire accent, but he let it go.)  He: "Germany. Should be there by noon tomorrow, if ferry's running."  Me: "Never been there."  He: "Oh, grand place -- I like Germany."  Me: "Only problem with Germany is it's full of Germans."  He: " Tha what?  The Germans are grand people. I'd move there in a minute if missus'd let me."  Me: "Didn't tha fight in war?" (sic)  He: "Did an all -- even shot me a couple. But tha's got to forgive an' forget, thou little tyke! Hey, I'm not taking thee to London!"  Five minutes later, and I'm standing in the rain at the back of another queue, with the taste of the hot tea still in my mouth...   
  okay, so i used to do musical theater and one day during lunch break i'm standing with this kid who is a bit *simple*. so we're standing there and all of a sudden he grabs this hand rail thats next to us and loudly exclaims "Oh my god" thinking something has gone terribly wrong i ask him "whats wrong...are you ok?" he responds "what...? oh yeah i'm fine, it's just that sometimes i think gravity is gunna crap out and im gunna fly up into the sky" i look at this boy for a long time and slowly back away  
   So.. my ingrowing toenail decided to make a reappearance. fuck you toe!  Being too lazy to actually go to a doctor, I decide to perform some inpromptu 'surgery', using some old blunt scissors and a screwdriver. I manage to pick out most of the nail and the pus-y bits, but I think I was a bit over-zealous, as my big toe now looks a little 'deflated' on one side.  the true lowbrow moment? I ate everything I picked out.  
  Damn.  In high school, my friends and I were beyond the good kids. We were proud of the fact that while we were the strange ones, we were good Christians, we hated the drinkers, the smokers, and the drug addicts, and we got the good grades.  We out Mormon-ed the Mormon family we had in town. They thought we were really good kids.  Now I'm wasting time at work, where I do forty hours a week support myself since I dropped out of college. I was just really rude to a woman who came in to photocopy Christian propaganda, because I really hate her for spreading that bullshit. I'm waiting to get off so I can go smoke weed, get drunk, and (hopefully) get laid by a woman I will have no interaction with after tonight.  And all I know is this:    I'm way fucking happier now than I ever was then.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was meeting a guy for lunch from online who was just getting over his long time girlfriend.  He seemed pretty bummed about and I didn't really know what to say.  I offered him these encouraging words:  "hey man, at least you don't have cancer!"  After my quip I continued munching on my pizza for a couple seconds until he began going on about his trouble with colon cancer last year.    Man I sure felt like a dick and a half.  
   Even More Abject, Grovelling Fanmail To Our Crotch-Fixated Cheerleader  In response to a moment starting:  I've recently gone through a phase where I simply cannot exact enough vengence on those in my past who have wronged me.  Me: I'm starting to think that you are perhaps the only woman in the world who could deliver the constant, imaginative shit that I seem to need in order to thrive in a relationship. (Don't worry -- I'm just flattering you.) Her response? "Sir, you make me blush. :)" Starts to make me think that the 'Brow is actually a healthy place to live...  
  "how long have you been playing?" the hot blond chick asked, amazed.  my ex-boyfriend smiled up at her. "about four months," he said. this was the moment of truth. was i a friend or a bitchy, jealous ex-girlfriend? "yeah, if you don't count the three years of lessons you took in high school," i interjected.  that's what he gets for calling  me  a lesbian.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         DarkeLadey: But there are breasts twice as large as mine in that anime Rayne: ugh...now thats too big. Yours are delicious... twice that would be a bit... stupendous... DarkeLadey: aww thank you :-) DarkeLadey: i think thats the nicest compliment my breasts have ever gotten.. :-) Rayne: hey I call em like I see em. *grin*       
  The man with the beard, sitting alone at the table, tapped his fingers,hunched like a drummer.  At the climax of the song, he wave his handswildly, signifying the triumph of the ending of the song.  He picked up hisdrink, tilting is head back, finished it in a long swallow, stood and puton his coat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  tv just told me mouthwash is 52 proof alcohol. then it tried to sell me a different, non-52 proof brand. stupid tv.  
  I wonder if God has a really really long list of   "Things to Damn"        
  walking around my house, 3 in the after noon on a friday.  no classes toaday, and im dressed in my bathrobe.  i open it up for a tummy scratch as i meander into the backroom (the one with the glass door).  and notice the school bus parked by the park behind my backyard.  did i mention its cold in the back room?  
  You know you either need therapy or a new job when you hate a coworker so much you have a vision of hitting them in the head with a claw hammer whenever you see them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         how many times does it take for it to become an affair? More than 2? 3? 12? does it have to involve time periods? days? months?  is it an affair if you have sex w/ someone 3 times other than your mate in one night? Or is that a one night stand? or is that a one night stand?   what if it lasted 2 weeks? is that an affair, or just cheating? Who decides these distinctions?  too bad I'll never be assassinated since I'm not powerful/famous. I can only be murdered  
  In 3rd grade, I stapled my finger to get out of class and go to the school nurse.  She was totally hot.    Today, I probably would have put one through my balls.  Maybe she would kiss them like she did my finger?  I'll never know.  
  I found out that my uncle was gay a few years ago. He didn't know that I knew yet.  He and I were talking when my brother came in drunk. He proceeded to tell a bunch of homophobic jokes, trying to be one of the 'guys'.  My face burnt up and I wanted to punch him.  
  Sometimes, life can be really shitty. Sometimes, relationships can crush you. Sometimes, you start to hate your own emotions.  And then sometimes, you read about your ex-girlfriend getting arrested for third degree grand larceny.  That's when you realize everything's going to be okay.  
  Waves lap a round rock The smooth rock flashes in the shadowless day The sky is  supernatural, cloudless blue   I am stirred by the wonder But my scrotum is harried by sand grit  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I was 17 and working at Burger King.  It was a weeknight and there were three of us "working".  The night manager, all of 23 years, was in his office doing some shit.  The fat chick and I were holding the customers at bay.  We were all fucking balls to the floor stoned off of our asses.  I was working register and couldn't make heads nor tails of any of that shit.  Fuck.  I knew a drink was like .99 but I couldn't enter it because I had to use the pictures and they didn't make any fucking sense.    Fuckiteveryonegetsadiscount!  Later that same night, a customer assisted me with putting napkins in the napkin holders because I couldn't figure the shit out.    All I gotta say is that I'm happy the fat chick was on the fryer.  I'd probably be in a wheelchair without a face had I been working it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "The wedding's off!" she screamed emphatically into the phone as we settled our bill at Denny's.  
    Just got pulled over for no headlights. No big deal, except I had just smoked three bowls with some friends. Baked out of my mind, I told him why I forgot to turn them on (Taco Bell.) He, noticing the glazed appearance in our all eyes, we got searched. I lost 8 grams and Matt lost his really nice bowl. I sang "Alice's Resturant" and told him how in "Super Troopers" he cops made the kids eat the stuff. He just looked at me funny. . . . After we pulled off, we smoked another bowl >:)  
  In my last few seconds of driving like a stupid, young, testosterone-driven idiot, I overtook a van that was stopped in the middle of the road.  Sun was in my eyes, so I didn't see the turn signal until way too late.  Knocked the damn van clean across the road on two wheels. Shortened my Capri by two feet.  I was fine - just bruised by my seatbelt. The driver was fine, but his eight year-old son was thrown into the footwell at 40mph.  It almost made me believe in God  -- the two of them were driving home from the sports shop, where Dad had treated son to his first full football outfit.  His son was wearing the whole thing - pads, helmet, et al, and was completely unhurt.   Then,  I discovered that my insurance had expired four days previously ...  
  I work in a campus computer lab.  This guy just walked out, inhaling deep and dislodging all of the phlegm he had apparently been stockpiling while using one of my computers.  He rattled it all loose, squinting his eyes up and making a little "o" with his mouth.  It almost looked like it hurt him to do it.  Then he swallowed. And smiled.      
  If I were to post a moment here, but split it up into individual words and short phrases and submitted them,  and  you  then reassembled that moment, that would mean that you and I both spend way too much fucking time here.   
  My wife is tired of cleaning her mouse everytime the ball gets covered in dust and dirt.  Wife: "What do they call those mice that have no balls?"  Me: "Neutered."  Her: *Lauging hysterically*  Sometimes Im funny...  
    I once walked in on my brother using a tiny toothbrush.  I asked him why he was using my bathroom and that tootbrush.  He said he always had used that one.     That was the toothbrush I cleaned my sink with.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in my room, chatting on the phone with my Mom when my girlfriend walked in. She got an evil look in her eyes, and proceeded to give me a blow job, just to see if I could still talk while she was licking my nutsac.  Best head I've ever gotten, my Mom wondered why I kept stuttering though.  
  What is the appropriate thing to say to redeem yourself in front of your classmates if by chance you accidentally pronounce the word Gymnasium as gymnasism as if it were a disorder where you spent too much time in the gym or something? Not that this has ever happened to me, but should the situation arise I would like to be prepared so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  
  Aight, so yesterday, I went to the orthodontist so they could use my parents money to fuck with my teeth and all. At my ortho, there is one long room with like six chairs so the docs and assistants can work on multiple patients quickly and easily. So anyways, I walk in and perform my customary "hot-chick-check"...  Ahoy, I finally score.  I spot one. And I watch her the whole time and stuff; try to check her out. She was very nice: thin, blonde hair, tan legs coming out of a nice short skirt, looked like a hot high school chick...So anyways I'm getting my wires tightened etc. and she starts talking, so, naturally, I listen. She asks the doctor about when he thinks she'll get the gear off and when her treatment will be over and all. To this he replies, "Now, hun, how old are you again?" "Oh, I'll be 12 next week"   Yeah, OK, she was 11.  But she was still hot...  
    It's Halloween, the only holiday that I care for really. Like the Dead Kennedys say in the song, everyones gotta go live it up for the night. I go party with Timmy up at Stevens. We go to the Lodge, and make Chris run to the bar for me, I just drink too fast, gotta have a runner to keep me sated. I had two beers and atleast a dozen jello shots that night, and an unholy amount of lodge brew. Stumbling between the bathroom and the basement yelling "IRISH, COMING THROUGH". Spend 5 minutes standing behind a couple making out in the bathroom. Then I realize they aren't the line to the next stall, and kick the door in and piss for the 4th time that night. Almost kill myself vaulting down into the basement, girls are laughing and dodging as I almost lose it. The floor has about an inch of alcahol on it. I punch Chris and he bumps into the girl dressed as Genie. Shes only about 4'9'' and I proceed to beatt him for hitting a girl. Don't look to me for logic. I almost jump off a hill on the way back to the dorms while doing my rendition of swan lake. The years I spent on Tae Kwon Do have made me a graceful drunk.  When we get back I keep doing the frog swim on the hallway floor. The first time Timmy drags me into Limey's room. But the second time I get loose 15 people come int he doors and see my sliding across the hall. Timmy tries to drag me back, but once int he room I jump off the ground and pick him up. The next thing anyone sees is me running across the hall with Timmy on my shoulder and I slam him into the wall. Somehow I've remembered to ask Chris if he called Romina to see if she got back from her party ok.  The next day Timmy tells me he can now say hes heard 15 people say "He's had a little too much to drink" simultaneously.  Of course, he wasn't very happy about being woken up at 6 when I decided I was hungry. Don't hat eme just because I don't get hangovers baby.      
  when i was two, i bit my mom's ear.  she immediately bit me back.  i never bit her again.  
  after watching the WTC blow up for something like the 500th time, i had no choice, i had to break out the K.  
  Had a drinking contest the other night with a bunch of guys I work with...   I think I won, I certainly drank everyone under the table and my tab was only $80...   Which is a lot, until you understand that everyone else's tab was $200-$300. Guess I didn't make as many trips for shots...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was this annoying guy at work, I didnt hate him or anything, he was just annoying.  One day when he was not there I took his phone apart with a screwdriver and put a slice of my pizza inside of his phone then put it back together.  Its probly still there to this day.  Before that I opened it up and broke one of the lights inside so he couldnt tell when he was muting a customer. hehe  
   Limbo Joins LowBrow, Yet Again  The Imodium is finally working, after about five literally shitty days. I take a piss, need to fart, and let it go. The Imodium has been working, after all... Oops. Wet one.  Really  wet one. Standing there, I drop my pants and shorts and look down at them. Nothing there, at all. Relieved, I grab the roll and wipe, just in case... I go through half a roll. How is it possible to fart a 1/2" layer of runny crap all over your ass without any of it getting in your pants? The mysteries of life...  
  I used to worry over the size of my penis... now i just double down on the oral sex. Haven't gotten any complains.  
  When I was four, my sister and I were in her room. I was sitting down on her back and told her that I was going to pee on her. She thought I was joking. After I got up she noticed her back was warm; she thought it was because I was sitting on her for so long. Then, all of a sudden, it got really cold. Oops.  As it turns out, my mother was just about to put me in the shower, and made my sister, covered in my urine, wait.  Being the youngest sure does have it's perks.  
  Phone rings, Hello? Hi, Im from xxxxx were doing a survey on alcahol consumption for yyy, this is valuble etc. etc. etc. :Okay Can I please speak to a member of your house hold between the ages of 19-24 :Sure that would be me Okay, for demographic purposes, which age group do you fit in: 19-24, 25-39, 40 -.... :19-24 (..didnt I say that allready?) Okay, please answer the following questions as accuratly as possible, how many times in the past month have you drank   beer :Zero, i dont drink alcahol okay, next, fruit flavoured mixers :Zero wine coolers :zero, if it has alcahol i havent drank it vodka or drinks containing vodka :Look, I dont drink alcahol, so if it has alcahol in it, i have not drank it.  ohhh... well the rest of the questions are all about alcahol.. :okay then, im zero all the way down. -- Honestly, where do they find these people? Are they not worried that stupid employees are skewing their valuble scientific data?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         7/24/01 Waiting by the phone for a call, its my birthday.  Nobody calls, I'm forgotten.  The next day I get a letter from the government saying I'm not eligible for the refund because I was claimed as a dependent.  YAY! My mom remembers me.  
  so i read this moment: "  I am ascending the escalator from the cavernous depths of the World Trade Center.   .....  And there is lone figure walking towards this line of [people]. He is wearning rags, and he is laghing, guffawing loudly, pointing at "us" saying : "Look ayt you!!! Ha Ha Ha!!! You'ze asll dead!! Ha Ha Ha!!!"   my first thought was-- man, that homeless guy could see the future!  maybe all homeless people can see the future.... or maybe just some of them and that's why they're out on the street because everyone else thinks their special powers are just insanity when in fact it's a powerful gift.  ...but it'll sure make me stop and think twice every time i give a cigarette to the bum who lives down my street...  
  Hottest thing since sliced bread in Des Moines, Ia : The Lumberyard -- Where real men go to get wood       (It's a strip club)            (I've been there 36 times since it opened)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A REAL LIMERICK IS IN THE FORM:  9,9,5,5,9  Oh LowBrow's contents are compelling With spanking and fucking and smelling With tales of woe Three pimps and a ho And stuff that we shouldn't be telling    
  When I lived in Florida I used to tell people that I was from Iowa where men are men and the sheep are scared.  For some reason they usually got up and moved down to the other end of the bar.  
  If you've ever worked at a movie theater for more than a few months, you're bound to hear to someone petulantly whine, "But the newspaper said the show started at 7:30, not 7:00!" Usually, this misunderstanding arises due to the fact that the customer read the times for a different theater.  After the seven millionth time I heard this complaint, this time delivered by cranky, older gentleman, I snapped back, "That's funny! There's three hundred people in that auditorium and they all knew when the fuck to show up!"  After a lifetime of tolerating self-righteous buffoons, memories like that will keep you warm at night.  
  I like a girl with a nice ass.  Tits are alright, and I love a chick with beautiful eyes. But nothing beats a hot ass.  Girls know when you're looking at their tits. (and think you're a loser) Staring into a girl's eyes for too long will creep her out (because she thinks you're a loser)  But if you just happen to share 2 classes in a row with a girl with a beautiful ass, you can walk behind her all the way across campus.   
  Soy milk? SOY MILK???  I didn't know beans have tits!  Ahh... thank you student theatre.  Good shit.  
  Just got done kicking back a few with the on-grounds security guard.  Drank three beers on an empty stomach and didn't even feel it.  Think I'm gonna go out and have him buy me more.  Then I'll spray paint the dumpsters and barbeque with an open flame on my balcony.  He's in MY pocket NOW biotch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         LowBrow moment:  I was sitting in math class one day, and I really had to fart. (stupid Raisin Brand) So I though "Theres 20 people in this room, no one will know."  So I let out a beatiful silent killer. I stank to high heaven. Took bout 3.4 seconds to catch up to the person sitting next to me. She turned around, and asked me what that smell was. I told her it was the teacher. Now if that want lowbrow enough: After our laughing was over, she says "Thats some nice cologne he's wearing."  I pray she was being sarcastic.  
  I was 16, and fancied myself some kind of neo-Beat poet.  It made sense to me that I should start smoking pipe tobacco, so I ordered some off the Internet and 2 weeks later I was upstairs in my room, puffing away.    No-one had warned me what happens when you smoke too much tobacco at once.    I dunno if it was laziness, or stupid teenage rebellion or what, but I never cleaned up the vomit on my floor.    Life's been pretty much uphill since that point.    
  So, I'm bicycling through Germany with some friends.  We are staying in Youth Hostiles.  My friends are girls, so they get to sleep in the house while the boys are in the converted garage.  I have eaten way too much of these carrots that come in a juice that is like formaldehyde for dinner.  In the middle of the night I wake up having to puke.  I go outside and hurl all over the steps.  There are carrots everywhere.  I barfed two or three times.  The building we were in is a garage converted to a bathroom with showers and toilets (no hot water, though) and beds on the second floor.  There is a hose attatched to the building, so I hose down the steps.  I go back to bed and have to puke again.  I'm too sick and exhausted to get up, so I puke in my mouth.  I'm exhausted, but I get up and spit it out the door.  A few minutes later I have to puke again.  I hold it in my mouth.  I swallow it because I don't want to get out of bed.  It comes back up.  I swallow it again.  It comes back up.  I decided I can't do anything about it, so I grab my sock on the floor and spit it out into that.  I can't imagine what all the other guys thought since I don't speak german.  Not a good night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of the first times I ever got really shitfaced I heard there was a girl at the keg party that had already screwed three or four guys that night. Jesus, what a fucking slut. I couldn't find her anywhere.    
  Last night at the bar with the usual pickup lines being said, some guy asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.  I answered, I have *BOYFRIENDS* (emphasis on the s).  Then he had to go and ask how many.  I should have lied, but instead I blurted out, "Seven!"  That's when he walked away.    Honesty really doesn't pay off the way people say it does.  
  I was watching the northern california local news this past weekend.  There was a story about the high incidence of avian cholera that is killing lots of migratory ducks this winter.  "Poor ducks", I said.  My boyfriend replied, "Quack".        
  what happens if you don't know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away or when to run?  
  you know the saying "if its yellow, let it mellow..." well you know your family is a bit too gung-ho when you find a layer of urine congealed on top of the toilet water. ugh.  
  My longtime girlfriend (lowbrow keyword: "no tits") is a very cool, interesting lady.  My longtime ex, who I am proud of retaining as a close friend, is also a very cool, interesting lady.  On a 1-10 scale, both of them "go to eleven."  I think it might be neat for the three of us to have dinner. They'd probably like each other.  I ask them what they think.  They both say: "No problem."  Moron.   Double moron.   Quadruple moron.  I still remember my ex's last words, as I am pushing her out my door and slamming it, never to see her again: "...you and your snivelling inability to complain..."  Girls and ladies everywhere, if you want us to take your words seriously, you  have  to start being honest...  
  After we had sex, we were sitting on the couch smoking cigs watching TV. Then...quite suddenly, he lets a really loud one go.  Him:  "I farted."  Me:  "Eww...don't do that."  Him:  "Everybody farts."  First of all, what the hell is the correct response to that? Thanks Mr. Obvious???  What a total turn off.  Just FYI fellas:  Booty calls that become a little TOO comfortable don't get called back.  YUCK!      
  Watching Football... Friend:  Is that really black guy still in the league? Me:  Jerry Rice? Friend:  Yeah, that's him.  
   I realise I'm just another one of six billion monkeys pounding on a keyboard.   But somehow I became the one that can make driving sixty miles to piss in the Atlantic on a dark and windy night sound profound, or, atleast, interesting.  
  Even tho my family was more dysfunctional than the Simpsons and the Bundy's combined. my parents always insisted on a big family holiday year after year with mum's sisters. For 3 weeks every year the got to pretend we were the Partridge Family or something I guess. So year in year out we drove 1500 miles or so across some of Australia's most inhospitable terrain, in search of a tropical paradise. It was on the return leg of one of those trips that the folowing lowbrow moment happened. I was about 10 yrs old I guess - we were between Broken Hill and Cobar, it was approximately 110 in the shade... and my fathers brand spanking new Holden Sunbird (onoe of the shittiest cars ever made) blew a piston. So there we were stranded in the middle of nowhere - the car basically stopped dead. Being 10 years of age, I was imagining we were going to die out there. My parents knew better, because at least we were on a major(ish) highway. So there we sat at the side of the road, waiting for a kind stranger to drive along, pull over and help us. After a wait of about an hour or so we spied a car in the distance, driving the same direction as we had been. It seemed to take an eternity to reach us... and the driver obligingly pulled over when he got close enough. He probably parked his car about 10 metres behind ours, wandered up, blue singlet, arse hanging out of shorts, thongs (aka flipflops). He assessed the situation and immeadiately offered to tow us into Broken Hill - we were ecstatic. That was kind of short lived tho. He pulled his utility in front of our car - and we were able to see what he did for a living. The back tray of the vehicle was full of roadkill - mostly rotting kangaroo carcasses. I wish I had a photo of our faces - there we were, disgustingly hot day, being towed 50-100 kms or so behind a utility full of rotting roadkill. To say we looked shellshocked would be an understatement. Just one of those lowbrow moments that could only happen in Australia I guess.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As a male, there is nothing more disturbing than getting an e-mail telling me I've won a FREE Panty Wardrobe from Frederick's of Hollywood.  
  My latest time-passer is to go to WalMart and swap the little price signs around.  However, it backfires when I wind up in line behind some multi-childed behemoth who wants to argue about why she's not being charged the "right" amount. With subtle facial expressions, I encouraged her spawn to pillage the candy rack while she bitched.    
  another time during high school me and a bunch of friends got drunk & high and were driving around on the indian reservation outside of town.  I had to take a piss and so pulled over on the side of the road and ran over to the trees.  Another guy in the car did the same across the road.  I removed the keys and had them in my pocket. Just as I was finishing, a damned tribal police car pulled up behind my car and the cop made everybody jump out.  I stayed hidden.  He checked them all for drinking and eventually everybody was carried away.  They locked the car and left it there.  An hour later, after waiting to make sure they weren't coming back, me and the other guy jumped in and drove home "the long way."  He had a 6 inch gash on his leg which in all his haste to rush further into the woods he had tripped into a half-broken-down barbed wire fence. I never heard from the tribal police about why my car was parked on the side of the road with 4 drunk kids in it.  
  to poopone i believe that when people say the biblical sense and attach clearly delineated sex lingo such as  did her in the biblical sense they do in fact know the appropriate term and its origins and are just fuck you dancing  to people who are  scripture freaks and slash or are so uptight that they feel they hafta correct people whom defend the term biblical sense cheers in the biblical sense  
  I think my sister walked in on my boy and me fooling around the other night.  Fortunately, she would be too embarrassed to even begin to put to words what she saw.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm intelligent.  i'm clever.  i'm funny.  i'm compassionate, though not senselessly or sentimentally so.  i probably share some of your interests.  i am educated.  with luck, i will make a lasting contribution to the welfare of livingkind.    do you want me?  no, you want someone whos ass looks good in a pair of tight jeans.  
  JESUS! What the hell was that? Are you OK? I said as I awoke to the bed shaking....  "A personal moment" she responded, " Now go back to sleep."        
  Cardboard sign around the neck of a dirty homeless man- "Tell me off for a dollar." Classic. Second only to the United Negro Pizza Fund guy in front of Two Boots.    - mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com   ----------------    Oh, that comes nowhere near what I had asked of me down by the santa monica pier...    "Hey, can you spare about 50, 000? My friends and I are saving up for a Jag"    Brilliant. But I didn't have it.    - reauxbothostess@hotmail.com ____________________________________   in front of kavaras tavern or whatever that quasi-bar-restaurant thing is on bleecker  "Gimmme a quarter. I'll call you when you get home."    
  Statistically speaking 79% of all statistics are wrong.  
  I was telling my friend Brit about this time when i was around 2 and my dad decided to teach my why it wasnt a good idea to stick my fingers in light sockets.  So he stuck a screwdriver in an outlet which led to a lot of sparks and a portion of the carpet catching on fire.  Needless to say I still feel dangerous plugging anything in. After i got done with my story my friend looked at me and said,"I used to think you had issues, now im amazed you turned out as well as you did.  You're life sounds like a Jack Handey Deep Thought."  
  Angelina Jolie? Sure, I'd do her. But I'd have to boil her for a couple hours to get that nasty Billy Bob taint off her first.   
  I cant sleep, the clock wont tell me the time.The light switch keeps laughing at me.'Christ' I said 'where are my pants?'.The badger was strolling around the living room wearing them like he owned the place. i sorted him out......  
  We were talking about going to the Doctor and how we hate wearing the paper robe the sterile smell etc.  One of my friends added,  "Yeah and I hate when they make you take off all of your clothes, hunch down, and quack like a duck."  We never talked about doctors with him again.  
  I was wearing thin panties and one of his old tshirts as I straddled his leg and humped his thigh, trying to distract him from the tv so we could hump.  My period had started early.  I only noticed when he stood up and had a streak of red on his pants where I'd been.  I pulled them down and sucked him off instead and then "accidentally" managed to splash a little semen on them.  He put on clean pants afterward and never did find out.  
  I reeled from the blow to my genitalia. Holding myself, all I could say was:  "Fuck man, I was eating a fuckin' Twix!"  
      I found myself at a house party being thrown by a guy that I hated... Me and that guy had a fight about a month before over the same girl because it tured out we were both fucking her...anyway at this party we were acting like we didnt know eachother and that we didnt care... he kept pouring me drinks to look nice and i kept pissing all over his bathroom everytime i had to go.... well jump to 4 months later me and this guy wind up fucking and becoming lovers...we both talked about that night it was funny because all the time i was pissing all over his bathroom he was spiting in my drink. we still laugh about it.  
  When I was about 13, I asked my dad, "What's a cult?".  He said, "Well son, they give all sorts of strange rules to follow, and you can never question what the leaders say.  They try to take your money, and sometimes they might wear strange outfits or chant things over and over again."  I said "Hmm. Sounds like church."  Dad was speechless. From the mouthes of babes. chuckle        
  You wouldn't belive how much dirty nerd sex happens in a museum.  I mean the people who work here, not the visitors.  If you're ever in the LA County Natural History Museum, and you see the diorama with the deer, those had a pair of panties on them for over a week before anyone noticed.   
  So I was downloading usenet porn  when I saw a set of jpegs of an  exgirlfriend. In one, she was tied  nude to a St. Andrews cross, in  another, she was on her knees with  a champagne bottle up her ass, cork  end out, like there had been some  kind of awkward wine cellar mishap,  or she was playing some high- stakes version of the I'm an anal  wine decanter game.  Now when we were fucking, I put  plenty up her pooper; a deli pickle, a  zucchini, the largest available Jelly  Eurasian dildo, Ben-Wah balls,  which she would shit out, at the end  of the evening, into a little silver bowl,  plinkyplink! But a champagne bottle,  bottom end first, I never, ever  imagined. Chagrin, baby!  Then I masturbated. Gloomily.             
  we awoke, i half-clothed, she fully, and both still very inebriated.   large blank spots about the night before. i sit up to find my shirt (that i don't remember removing), and see one of my notebooks lying on the floor next to the bed. "She said we will talk about sex in the morning, I said we won't." in my handwriting.  we looked at each other very confused. and you guessed it, i won the bet.  
  Whoever's car that was had 3 pissing puppy window decals on it. They must really think that's a classic sticker.        
  I love to cook.  I will cook for hours and hours, experimenting.  Last night I started some pastry, then took a break and went out to my favourite sports bar for MNF.  Place is slightly rough, very informal, more lowbrow than Lowenbrau.  Chatting pleasantly with a pretty lady, when she says: "What's that for?", and points at my flour-covered apron.  Oops...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't ever drop the f-bomb  so that way when I do say that dirty little four letter word  people know I'm pissed.  
  i know i'm in love when i'd rather do her in the front then from behind.  
  my 5 year old and I were at the grocery store in the check out line. lots of people around. mostly respectable suit types. all of a sudden the little guy jumps up in the cart and stands there grabbing his crotch yelling..."oh no. i lost my mojo" i got so many dirty looks. piss on them. it was funny.....  
  So, I'm not feeling very good one day in jr high, and thinking I could use a drink of water, I stand in line to get a hall pass from the art teacher.  It wasn't until I'm next to the front of the line that it hits me, and hard... and I puke all over the art teacher's desk (the line was across the front of her desk), a little on the girl standing in front of me, and alot all over the floor.  The next day, I have a new seat next to the sink, but she asures me that it had nothing to do with what happened the day before.  
  Last night, at the urging of my drunken girlfriend, I have sex with another woman (also drunk) while my GF watched.  It was dirty, dirty sex.  I ended up blowing it all over her tits.  That's not even the worst part.  My GF's roomate was in the room at the time, trying to sleep, but not sleeping at all.  How could she with the fucking orgy that was going on on the couch?  Now the morning's here and I feel sooooo guilty and awful.  I think me and my GF, whom I am very much in love with, have pretty much patched things up, as much as is possible at this point.  But I still haven't talked to the other woman.  I know that if I am ever going to look in the mirror, I will have to.  I gotta start hanging out with GUYS.  
  She started playing at a furious clip; the Lucite bass was cool in her hands and it felt natural, like an extension of her right arm.  She couldn't figure out why she was getting such a great boomy sound out of the cheap-ass headphones she had plugged into the 4-track, until she took them off and realized she was playing through her stereo speakers as well.  Her face turned crimson.  Mortified, but for no good reason.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  My second one night stand was with a guy named Chaz.  He was old and I didn't really like him much.  I couldn't figure out how to get rid of him, so I let him fuck me.  His chest was saggy, his dick was tiny, and he lasted for about three thrusts.  I never did hear from him again, though.  That's a success in my book.  
  It's morning, I'm brushing my teeth with my handy dandy electric tooth brush my parents got me for christmas.  All of a sudden I get the urge to hock a lugie while brushing my teeth, and unfortunately, it gets caught up in the little electric spinny brush thing.  Its like whipping eggs in there.   I continue brush my teeth.  Of course, afterwards I realized that I just brushed my teeth with lugie saturated toothpaste goo.    Needless to say, I still did not brush my teeth again.  
  She was a sultry, seductive godess.  The essence and the apex of human beauty - and so much more.  I saw her in the bar, and checked her out repeatedly.  She did the same to me.  But she was just TOO gorgeous.  I couldn't get the guts to take the huge rejection I faced.  She walked up to me, and whispered in an oh-so-sexy voice: "It is always there, on my mind..."  I felt myself growing stiff, and turned to her, trying oh so hard to stay calm, and play along with her game: "what is always on your mind?"  She licked my ear as she again whispered in it: "the hunger..."  Now I was excited!  "The hunger for what?" I asked, secretly hoping the answer was big hard cock.  She said, with just the slightest twinkle in her voice:  "Food."  
  I so relate to LaDeeFrickingDA!!! I laugh when I read her moments...I share some of them.  Except I never bring guys to my house... I dont think my husband would be ok with it.  
  We met at a policy conference, fell right into bed for three  torrid hours,  then burned up the email servers for three months til I could make up a reason to my wife why I had to be out of town for a weekend so I could fly 1500 miles to visit her.  My plane was two and a half hours late.  When I finally found her at the baggage claim,  she gave me a big smile, a bigger hug, looked deep into my eyes and said, "It's ok that you're late. While I was waiting, I was talking to the most amazing person who works here at the airport, and guess what? She helped me find Jesus."  
  I see this guy I used to know from highschool with his wife.  Me. "Tom?! TOM!  I can't believe it.  look at you!  You have really slendered down.  Got a great physique now, and you don't wear glasses any more.  Your hair looks great too.  No more tight perms for you, huh?  And look at your wife.  She's gorgeous.  Much nicer than any of those skanks you dated in school.  You have changed so much and it looks like you have really done well for yourself."  Him.  "My name's not Tom."  Me.  "Wow.  You've even changed your name."  He didn't find that amusing at all.  
  why do girls not wear any underwear under their dresses, and then get pissed off when you look? i mean do they not know that guys look under their skirt? did they forget to put underwear on? did their underwear fall off perhaps? or do they simply do it to piss us (guys) off? guys may never know.  
  When I was 10, I used to go to gymnastics lessons after school.  There was a payphone in the lobby and I made a habit of checking for change in the return slot while I waited for class to begin.  One day there was a woman holding a two-year-old who was playing around with the phone.  I walked up to check for change, figuring they were just screwing around, not on a Real Mission.  The woman graciously stepped aside so I could use the phone.  I didn't have a call to make; I just checked the coin return, and found (joy of joys!) a penny!  I took it and walked away.  Later I found out that penny actually belonged to the two-year-old, who had been using it to pretend he was using the phone.  I stole a penny from a two-year-old!  
  procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good while ur doing it but in the end your only fucking yourself  
  One day I brought my boyfriend to my all women's college and we headed down the quad to the community center.  The mail had just come so people were coming in and out.  He points to a person coming out and says, "Woah, he looks just like a preppy guy I used to know in high school with that vest, slicked down hair and loafers." "Honey, that's a dyke."  I felt his innocence crack a little further that day.  
  I really need to bring in another bottle of spring water from home.  I keep refilling this one and the inside of it is a little cloudy, indicating the buildup of old saliva.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  What if someone invented an engine that would get 500 miles to the gallon?  Of infant blood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if there is fire in hell, dont they need wood to burn?? If they need wood to burn in hell, do they have there own forest, or do they send little demonds to steal wood from earth? Yeah, i can see it now, demonds running around earth looking for wood noone will miss, kicking a few kids on the way. Thats it, forests arent bieng hacked down for McDonalds, it is the devil. He is taking all the wood in the rainforest and blaming it on McDonalds, because MickeyD's is a branch of heaven, with those little egg McMuffins....yeah. So be careful with your fire wood, becuase the devil needs to keep the flames big in hell.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          he was kinda blazed so i think he forgot that I was in the room....going on and on about how he's too old for the bullshit of drunken "girls gone wild" types he always takes home from the shitty bars...he wants to settle down you know?  the guy almost 30 and true love is somthing i don't think he has ever known...  "I just need a nice, smart girl to sit on my face for a while"  
  Gassing up my truck on the corner of Westheimer and the beltway feeder, I watched a "homeless" person crossing the dangerous intersection toward me.  I wasn't the only patron at the gas station but his destination, for some reason, was very obviously me.  Up close and right in my face he asked, "Do you have a couple of dollars for transportation?"  I yelled, "NO!" and then watched him make his way back across the busy and dangerous Houston intersection while I calmly screwed the gas cap back on.      
  we decided it was best to split up and be friends, it would be for the better on both our parts.  then we decided to not mess around anymore.  when she dropped me off at my truck we kissed goodbye for the last time.  Tool - Lateralus started playing on the radio and i told her it was one of my favorite songs and she told me i couldn't stop kissing her until it was over.  gotta love 9 minute long songs.  then we went back to my apartment and fucked each other's brains out for the rest of the night.   
  I really wish that we could send Ricky Martin and Brittny Spears to some island where they would only have each other for entertainment. I wonder which of them would kill the other first.    There can be only one!        
  We were 11 at it had to be 100+ outside.  During the 5 hour drive back from my friends cabin, the two of us drank a 12 pack of soda.  In a gas station bathroom in the middle of WI we pissed all over the toilet, TP, and sink, laughing as we went.    After returning the key we stood in line with another coke plotting our next stop.  A women came in and asked for the bathroom key, we paid, and ran like hell to the truck.    As we pulled away the woman came out with the most evil look on her face, and her sundress stuck to her ass in the shape of the toilet seat.    
  When I was in elementary school, I though that it would be a great idea to be cremated after I died.  That way, my ashes could be sprinkled onto food and eaten by my family and friends. It seemed somehow romantic to me, my loved ones taking a part of me into them. Everyone I told my great idea to didn't think of it the way I did. They said I was gross. Stupid people.       
  I saw a man have a stroke today.  Funny thing was, I was eating McDonalds.  Guess i won't anymore.        
  two of my friends fucked one whore.  at some point 1 of them was doing her doggy style and she was giving the other a blowjob.  the guy being blown says to his friend, "fuck her n the arse, fuck her in the arse".  the whore stops blowing for a short moment, slurps, looks back and says "that'll be extra" and continues blowing  
  Finally, finally losing my virginity!  On my mother's bed, no less, while she's away!  The front door slams. My girl (Hi, Sheila Hainey!) inadvertently screams and jumps out of bed.  My brother-in-law opens the bedroom door, sees me lying naked with a rapidly shrinking willie, mumbles "sorry," closes the door, then says, chuckling: "You won't know why, but this is actually very funny."  He leaves.  I say: "Like hell I don't know -- I came home unexpectedly a couple years ago and distinctly heard my sister scream and jump out of bed..."  
  i think the bathroom stall wall is like a lowbrow site.  "Jimmy is so HOTT!!!" "How come i always like people that are jut out of my reach?" "Amanda is a mother-f*cker!" "Damn straight!"  what puzzles me the most, is, do people actually bring pens in with them to write on the walls? that just grosses me out.  
  Yes. I will drink the rum&coke you bought me.  Yes. I will dance with you for one song. This is a mixture of gratitude for the above mentioned drink, and pity. Keep your distance.  No. I am not attracted to you.  No. I am not going home with you.  Yes. I will accept a second (or third) drink in hopes I will change my mind.  No. I am still not attracted to you.  Yes. There is a way for someone who looks like you to go home with someone as cute as me.  No. I do not accept personal checks or credit cards.  
  Was walking out of a large electronics store having just purchased some stuff. Naturally, they've got this guy whose only job in life is to stop you and compare what's on the receipt to what's in the bag. Screw him, i don't need that shit. I walk past ignoring him.   Trying to be mister tough guy, he follows me into the parking lot and grabs my arm threatening to call the cops. Well, as luck would have it, a police car was passing by and the commotion drew their attention.  Cops hear the story and ask to see the receipt.  "Sure officer, it's right in my wallet...". Reaching for my wallet, my eyes widen as i realize it's gone.  By now we've drawn a crowd of employees and customers. The cashier confirms i had a wallet a few minutes ago. I'm telling the cops, "...yeah i put the receipt in my wallet, put my wallet in my back pocket, walked out and then got stopped by this guy." One of the officers gets an idea and tells the employee to empty his pockets. Guess what he had in his pocket  The punk ass got fired on the spot and the store manager refunded the money from my purchase so i wouldn't file a complaint against the store. And people thought i was wasting my time learning how to plant a wallet on someone.   
  I have urinated in three of the world's five oceans, one of them being the Arctic.  That shit was cold.  
  as she looked up from the floor next to the toilet, she said: "your bed makes me spin, but i can sleep fine on the cold tile." so that is where she slept.  
  After a trip to Vegas with my parents, the heat was definitely getting to me. If you've ever been to Vegas in the summer, you'll understand. To top it all off, I hadn't had much to drink, so I was rather dehydrated.  On the way back, we decided to stop in Barstow and grab some food at Carrow's. We're there, seated, and as the waitress comes over to take our orders, I begin vomitting all over the table, seat, and floor. At this point, almost everyone in the restaurant is staring at us. Upon noticing this, my father looks up and says, in all seriousness, "He's not feeling very well."  Thank you, Dad, I'm sure you solved the mystery in all those people's minds.  
    The Black Dog Incident   Visiting Martha's Vineyard offseason is really nice (and cheap, too), but one of the only places open is the famous Black Dog.  We have lunch there one day when my boy Wig is about a year old.  Coming back from the bathroom, I notice he's spilled his drink, because there is an  enormous  puddle under his high chair.  Oh well, such things happen with a 1 year-old, so I sit down to grab a bite (I'm  starving) before asking the staff to deal with it and bring him another drink.  Then I notice his untouched, unspilled drink sitting on the table...  "Eh, we have to get him out of here, now."  Stepdaughter, with her face in her food: "Hunh? No way."  Wife: "Why? He's happy, and we haven't eaten..."  Me: "Eh, it's 2:30pm. I haven't changed his dipe today. Have any of you two?"  Stepd: "Hunh?"  Me: "Look under his chair."  Stepd: (munch, chomp) "Hunh?"  Wife, after looking: "Jesus Christ on a bike! That's impossible! They must have had a flood in the kitchen..."  Stepd: (chomp, chomp) "Hunh?"  A quick consultation, and wife and I determine that he'd been wearing that dipe since 9pm the previous day ( there's  finally an argument in favour of single-parent families).  I pick up our warm, dripping, happy little bundle, and wife drags Stepd whimpering backward, her eyes still fixated on her receding plate of food.  In our car, Stepd sits stricken with loss, while wife and I get up to our elbows in warm urine.  If I dropped it in from another foot higher, I'm sure that the Dipe That Drowned Martha's Vineyard would have taken the bottom clean out of the trash receptacle.  He had more disasters until he was finally done with dipes, but we always consoled ourselves by saying: "Well, that was bad, but it wasn't a Black Dog."   
  oh they were really leaving this time and he would have to pay for a cab himself if he didnt leave right now but the ancient and fickle pinball machine which had taken so many of his quarters had finally bequeathed its incredibly rare extra ball his name wouldnt go on the high scores as the game was too old for that newwaveshit but he couldnt leave not now not right now fuck em ill get drunk and walk home instead        
  It's official.  My intestines hate me.  This is the third day running when I'm over come by the need to shoot a liquid stream of burning shit out of mass only when one of my roommates has just stepped into the shower and locked the bathroom door.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every roommate my girlfriend had, I have at one point smelled their panties.  When my girlfriend is in the shower and the roommate is out.. I run like a kid to the hamper, frantically searching for a cute little panty with a wet or hard crusty coating.  I smell and scratch and lick that panty.  I've done this to at least four roommates and countless friends and friend's sisters.  I even snuck into a friend's house when they were out to smell their mom's panties.. hmm those were tasty.  My girlfriend's panties? Naa not interested.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and classmate called me up because she needed some help on a paper. She tells me that 3 english majors couldn't figure out what the teacher was looking for.  They recommended me.  I felt flaterred. She then said that everyone knew I had a thing for the young professor. I said "Just because I'm smart and sometimes make a witty remark I'm flirting? Trust me..you'd know if I were flirting.  I'd be wearing low cut shirts and lipstick..and eating cherries." She apologized. Maybe I should wear lipstick..I mean..damm he's got a nice ass.    
  i have an autographed picture of martha reeves (martha and the vandellas) hanging on my corkboard, some guy looks at it and says who is martha reeves, i mentioned a couple of songs. still no clue i pity the soulless  
  Jerks, in Britain, are more commonly called "berks", as in "He's a proper berk!"  The word is even used in polite society sinceit doesn't have the same obvious derivation that "jerk" does.  Very few people know that "berk" is actually rhyming slang, so it's derivation is hidden, just like calling breasts "bristols" hides the full expression "Bristol City - tittie."  In the case of "berk", the actual expression starts:   Berkshire Hunt - ...   
  if youre ever taken a tour through the historical district of savannah, and drive by a building called "turner hall", and some random scrawny white boy with old man hair flashes you his best he-man pose... toss me a dollar.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once required medical attention to have a large bag of Chex PartySnax removed from my rectum.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was walking up to a guy in a club I used to work in to ask him if he wanted a lapdance and I stepped in his ice bucket one of my with my 5 inch heels.  I didn't ask him for a dance.  I just apologized and scurried off with a grin on my face and my tail between my legs.        
  A friend of mine has a friend. Said friend of friend was going through McDonalds drive-thru. When he got to the window to get his food the guy working was like, "Did you see that girl with the big titties in front of you, she's HOT!!!"  Friend of Friend's reply, "Too bad you work at McDonalds"  
  u know what lowbrow really is?  it's eating really bad seafood at lunch then meeting up with friends for a big steak dinner.  going to a party afterwards and feeling an overwhelming sensation take over in the pit of your stomach.  driving home at 80 mph and begging your friend to let you use his bathroom.  making a 90 degree turn at 65 mph into a getty gas station and running into the bathroom ... to find that there is no stall door ... no toilet paper ... and no toilet seat.    talk about being fucked ...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Okay.  I just jacked off to a man and woman having sex while talking about college classes.  Possibly the most erotic thing in the past week.   The fucking variety of porn you find these days. Fuckin 'a.  
  I used to work with a woman, who had to actually be taken aside by the boss, and told that she had to shwoer, or she would be fired, because she smelt so bad  
  one of my friends quit a job because he was too interested in doing coke and acid instead of going to work.  he called them today and his boss said he had known about the drugs, and agreed to give him his old job back.  my friend was really happy, but i wondered what type of person would be anxious to go work at a place where everyone knew he did coke and acid.  by the way, it is a country club.        
  once my friend had chinese food delivered. he didnt give the guy a tip. i told him this, and he was scared that the 'chinese mafia' was going to blow up his house. his house did blow up, but it was from a gas leak after he hit the valve with a golf ball. not the chinese mafia.  
  my frinends and i like to have what we call porn friday. This is were we get together watch porn,get drunk, and smoke cirgerets ( this also usally includes getting naked for the hell of it). Well the last porn friday that passed we ened up getting a bit to drunk. Friend #1 get's naked and climbs on the roof. friend #2 takes pictures of genitals. Friend #3 dry humped everything in sight. i run down the street naked.(yeah i know shut up i'm not done yet). Well friend #1 then proceeds to pull her tampon out and throw it over to her neighbors house. well porn friday ended and we all went home......  well the next day we found out what happened to that tampon. supossedly her neighbor was out doing the garden when this forgien object hit her in the face.  let's just say we can no longer hold porn friday at friend #1's house. Or get on the roof.  ehehehe......  
  My first job was at a British Food Factory pressing meat pie shells while facing a wall for 4 hours a day, being drilled in the skull with country music, and making a dollar less an hour than minumum wage (how the hell that happened, I don't know).   But it was all worth it on Wednesdays and Fridays, when a skinny, pimply-faced Scot came in and made Haggis in giant rubbermaid tubs, not more than 4 feet from my nose.   Ever smell Haggis?   Grains and sheep guts boiled in sheep stomachs? After about three weeks, my arm started to hurt and I told the boss I was going home. He said, "Oh really?  Sorry to hear that, I guess I'll see you Monday then?" "Ah no, you won't" I said.   
  I speak three languages fluently. I used to be the best GPA in my department, in the best university in my country (neither USA nor UK). 21 years old, 166 IQ, regular collaborator on a local newspaper. Never kissed a girl. When I read sex stories by people who cannot decently spell or type a coherent sentence,or I look at the dumb-but-pretty, promiscuous young people in my college, I wish I had been born an idiot.    
  4 cups of coffee (like mud) 2 doughnuts (undercooked) 2 cigarettes (stong ones) 2 Tylinol Extra (1000mg)  An instant laxitive and a feble atempt to fight a hangover.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yeah, i'm a hippie, a fuckin' tie-dye wearin', granola eatin', clove smokin', berkinstock wearin', long haired, vegetarian, beat poetry readin', hippie!        
  i had been checking out customers all day at work and making half-assed comments as i did so...but then one smiling guy came up to my counter with a smile and a handful of ugly fake flowers.  his shirt was neat, and i said so.  he didn't thank me for the compliment, but his mother did, since he was actually to retarded to speak for himself...which i realized immediately after the words fell out of my mouth.  when you have the same taste in clothing a retarded guy, you suck at life.  
  a few years ago, i was at the mall with one of my friends (who happened to work there), while wearing my school uniform (plaid skirt, button down shirt, knee socks..the works) when this smelly, fat, homeless guy comes up to me while i was in some girly store, tells me that my shoe is untied and just stands there.  i had no intention of tying my shoe, so i asked ryan if he would do it for me. he wouldnt, so homeless guy offers.  i told him that i could manage it myself, so i crouch down to tie it...and the guy circled me, looking not only down my shirt and at my ass, he bent down to look UP my skirt, then rated me a "4".  later, ryan tells me that the reason that he wouldnt tie my shoe was because the guy freaked him out.  he had been at work on halloween, in a dress as a costume, and the same guy came up to him, hugged him, and said that if thats how he wanted to live, he (homeless guy) was proud.  then h.g. pulled out his wallet and showed ryan pictures of himself in drag and said that's how he dressed on weekends.  my only question: was i rated down because i didnt have a penis hidden in my skirt?  
  Once I pulled a four inch long pubic  hair out of my nose. It came from the  liquor store cashier I orally  pleasured the night before.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting in musical practice and I wasn't doing anything so I was staring into space and not really paying attention.  just then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a girl was getting braids done in her hair in a spiral aroud her head (like a continuous french braid)  without moving my eyes, or head I said quite loud: "You look like christ"  and she was like: "What?!" "you know, the thorny crown, heh"  then I did the action of nailing myself on a cross and saying: "you know, this guy"  she walked away and came back without braids.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I worked on Liverpool docks about 7 years ago as a summer job between university. shitty job, but good pay    We were unloading these large crates with metal riming down the sides of them. This old dock worker is right in front of me taking his crate down off the platform as he goes to drop it on the floor his inner forearm gets caught on a sharp bit of metal edging, which acts like a tin opener.   Half a meter of tendunds are hanging out of his arm which is now pissing with blood  He is standing there no screams of pain, smoking his cigarette now his arms are free of the box Hold up and inspecting the damage. As people run over to help him he turns to me and says "er whats all this nonsense in me arm?" Before i can explain to this 'fucking yahoo' that "THEY are your tendunds mate." He raps the 'human elastic' around his new free hand and with one yank pulls them out of his forearm.   and with a "fuckoff!" he fires the stringy mess it into the mersey.   Last thing i heard he had the bones from his elbow down fused to together.   His hand looks and functions like a spagetti surver.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I knew my neighborhood was improving when two things happened: 1. the puffdaddy ghettoboy megabass stereo assholes on the corner finally got thrown out. 2. the local chapel closed due to lack of interest. Now if I can just get rid of the retarded deaf dog on the corner...  
  ive a co-worker who doesnt do shit.  when he wasnt looking my friend and i pissed in his big gulp sprite he got from 7-11  i walk into the room he is in, and say "damn im thirsty" and take a big sip of mine..this reminds him of his own drink and he takes a looooog sip.  that just made my day  
  do you ever wonder what what life would have been like if you were born a second earlier?  
  My stepchildren always want to drink Coke, but it makes them extremely hyper. So they get excited by having any type of "bubbly soda stuff."  My wife wanted to try Zima. She took a sip and didn't like it. She left the opened bottle, and the rest of the case, on the table.  ...(time passes)  The kids were red and stumbling and laughing and couldn't stop laughing for shit. Kind of like how a bad movie would portray drunk children of four and six years old.  Sometimes, I think about letting them have some - so as to build their immunity and all.  Parenting should require a license.  -Anon E. Mouse  
  For the first couple of years I lived at my apartment, my girlfriend and I would get drunk and throw our empty bottles over the fence onto the lawn of the Catholic school across the street.  I don't see her anymore.  
  Good morning, everyone. My name is William Bondistmo. I am the nephew of Geoffrey Wilhelmshaven, the Duke of Pennington. I am also the grandson of Henry Archmount, the once magistrate of the Duchy of Greenstrath, and the man who was condemned to death for the murders of the royal family of Upper Andromedon. If you are at all familiar with the history of eastern Diptheria, you will recall that Grandfather's sentence was not carried out, but rather that he died an untimely death en route to the victory celebration on the Isle of Theides after his army defeated the forces of General Pound on the fields of Eleasure. Granddad was harpooned through the belly with a ten-man spear as he was preparing to enter the niece of Rudolpho Johnson, his trusted double-agent, who was not protecting the honor of his sister's daughter, but rather had secretly made arrangements with Gertron the Defiant to do away with Henry at his earliest possible convenience. Henry died just shy of his goal, and Johnson, who wielded the huge spear single-handedly, reportedly suffered ever afterward with a debilitating hernia and the eternal enmity of his sister, who had plotted for months to place her lovely daughter at the disposal of Granddad for political and financial profit.        
  My meeting with destiny is in my agenda. I penciled it in between eating and sleeping.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife asked me what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday.  I told her I wanted her to get a keg or two of beer, rent my high school gym, and invite 20 of my best guy friends for a game of old-fashioned battleball.  Instead, we had a pizza party with mostly her friends and their kids.  
  I was thinking the other day...I wonder if they had the equivalent of auto-detailing in ancient Rome.  They could use a little lemon juice to clean and freshen the horse's butt hole (hey, what's the sense of cleaning the chariot if you still smell horse-ass) then use a little olive oil on a finger to keep it moist...like Armor-All.  These are the things that I think about.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every day I thank god for the D.A.R.E. program.  Because without it I would never know what real pot looks like and I would continue to buy spices.  
  Deep thoughts:  Guys are bombarded with porno movies where an extremely horny girl randomly jumps a guy and fucks his brain out, gives him the best sex of his life. So instead of go in for the difficult flirting and conversing shit, guys are instead just vaguely nice to hot girls, in a desperate unspoken hope that this just might be the one who will pull them aside and suck their dick for no reason at all.   Don't feel bad, guys. I'm sure if I was a girl I could find some equally unpleasant shit rooted in every girl's mind.   
  Anal Boot - An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.  
  The "insane clown possee" are in the mall.   Now I know why they wear makeup.  
  One of our local TV stations does a morning question of the day sort of thing. This morning the question was about literature.  I knew the answer, e e cummings, because I recognized the "style".....  Damn sorry_e_e, you really have turned me into a "brower".  
  got so fed up telling people my planned major after high school graduation that i started claiming to be a pornography major  
  For the longest time, I've been one of those people who show up for church two times a year.  Christmas and Easter.    This time around, I decided to skip church.  Hey, I may burn in hell, but at lease I get to sleep late on Sunday.       
  Top ten things omniverse will talk about every time I have a conversation with him.  10) His dick 9) Burger King 8) Dragon Warrior 7) Barbecue Sauce 6) Heavy Metal 5) Soda 4) Stores in Virginia that I don't have here in Pennslyvania 3) His dick (he talks about it a lot) 2) Asshole's we've worked with 1) Hot Asian Ass    
  In hindsight, using my penis as a coffee-stir was not one of my best ideas  
  ... so there I was drunk, on the ground wrestling with two small watermelons we purchased on the way home from the clubs... I rolled around on the floor with them for a while laughing hysterically at the funny sound they made when I punched them... then finally one cracked in two which caused me to go insane with laughter... then I passed out.  My roommate taped the whole thing, and that tape is quite popular among his friends.  
  Long ago, a monkey stood on two feet and peered at his hands, previously relegated to poop-flinging and tree-grasping duty, and pondered the infinite possibilities.  One day, we'll realize that technology should be easing our lives, not cramming more and more into them beyond overflow.  We will free our minds of trivial activity, and be faced with a sudden frightening and limitless situation; we will be staring at the proverbial hands and wonder what else we can do with them.  When this happens, exploration will move away from the material Universe and begin looking inwards towards the light that shines inside every one of us.  The things our minds have yet to accomplish will make our present day look like a society of poop-flingers.  
  I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I wake up.  Sometimes though...   I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I go to work. I wake up. I wake up. I wake up.   ...its a long weekend.     
  We were sleeping naked.  His hand gently touches my ass.  Next thing I know we're fucking,  When we're done I say "That was a nice good morning."  
  Delivered pizza (ON TIME, mind you) to a suburbanite with a big yard, big house, two Harleys in the garage and a Beemer in the driveway.  Drove away with no tip, just a cheery "have a nice day!"    I know a Beemer that's getting a new wax job tonight.  With dog shit.  Bwah hah hah.    
  It's not having your guts churn and bleed.  It's not being unable to breath, throwing up acid vile muck.  It's not having your stomach pumped, or drinking cup after cup of nice cold black charcoal liquid stuff.  It's lying paralyised in a bed in intensive care, your penis shrivelled to the size of a pea (with catheter)and suddenly getting the runs like no-one ever has before, spraying everywhere out of me, again and again.  My lowbrow moment? The nurses in the ward laughed and laughed and laughed at me.  (and the doctors shoved what felt like a large test-tube up my arse)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Leaving Key Food with groceries (V-8 and Lean Pockets) in hand, I pass a public phone with a pair of Bingo scratchoff tickets lying in it. Only the some of the call numbers have been scratched, the cards were untouched. I pass them up, but before I cross the street I find a shiny new penny which I take as an omen. I go back for the cards and take 'em home with me. Using the penny to scratch off the numbers, I play the cards. Both were losers. I was angry at the penny for betraying me, until I realized at dinner that it was actually an omen as to how good Lean Pockets really are! Especially when dipped in V-8.  
  I am the first part of 'two spring onions'        
  I swiped my member-card to check myself in, and then walked right over to grab a towel for after my workout. This is a daily routine for me. My two buddies and I work out the same time every day, five days a week.   Today I made it all the way to the locker room before I noticed that the towel I grabbed had a coffee colored perfectly shaped star on one side of it. Normally I would have gone, "Hmm. That's kinda gross." But I still would have used the towel - just not THAT area. Normally there aren't a few curly black hairs also attached.  Guess the laundry guy was trying to prove a point.  
  Best line from a bum yet.  "Please donate for marijuana research."  Would have donated but was looking to do some research of my own.  Second Best.  A sign around a bums neck declaring, "YES I AM GOING TO BUY BOOZE WITH IT!"  Only in Texas.  
  So there was this nite that i decided it would be a good idea to drink large amounts of Wild Turkey and upsidedown margarita shots. In retrospect it was a GREAT idea on account that i got this story out of it. Anyway, as the nite came to an end and i got too drunk to know how to get home i decided to call 1.800.NEED.ASS and see if i could stumble over. Well, you know how things go...we were doing what people do when they are alone and all kinds of fucked up when i passed out and accidently kicked her out of bed. She swears she tried to wake me up but i don't think she did...anyway, the cool part isn't that i got real crunk or that i hooked up, its that when she tried to wake me up cos i kicked her out of her own bed i said, and i quote,  "Go Away"  She slept on her floor and in the fetal position whilst I lay sprawled about the entire bed in an alcohol induced coma. I woke up the next morning and to celebrate me being an asshole we hooked up all day.  
  Going into the building, I oh so carefully wiped my leather soled boots on the little rug placed there for that purpose.  With memories of slipping and falling on my ass in front of 25 people because I didn't before.  
   its one of them thar rants again god made the mind of a human being inventive enough to come up with handguns so that the next time i hear someone say haalooow when the are refering to a person who is not understanding their own ineptitude they can die while i empty the magazine of an ingram mac nine into their vocal chords really thats why they were invented        
  kind of fucked up how the guy in college that you thought would be the single, lonely, bald alcoholic turns out to be the first one engaged to a great girl.    but he's still going bald.  
  Can't remeber what I did last night, but my feet are bleeding so I will probably find glas in my shoes.  
  we had a suite for our wedding night. never mind that a bridesmaid from out of town had no where to stay. we had a suite goddamnit! she can stay in the other room! until it hit 2 a.m. the hotel security knocked, stating we had no right to the second half of our suite. bridesmaid slept on the floor next to out king bed. no consumating that night, i tell you.  
  My boyfriend told me that he once masturbated to an image of me in black vinyl shorts, red Converse sneakers, and a bondage collar. I was eating from a silver doggie dish while he held a leash attached to the collar. He said it was the best orgasm he'd had in a while.  And I was thinking, "Red Converse?!"  
  In a moment of chest-thumping, my friend Jim bet a keg of Heineken that his huge and aparently ferocious Oscar could easily take on Alice, our rather attractive, but vicious piranha.  We didn't feed Alice for a week and she was nearly jumping out of the tank whenever anyone walked into the room.  When they met at the appointed time, the rumble lasted all of three minutes with Alice completely shredding her large rival. To this day, I am still amazzed by how casual people are with their pets.   
  My sneeze was so hard I hit my knee and knocked myself out at a wedding.  
  While at a friend's house, I went into the spare room (which is also the friend's sometime-roommate's room) and rummaged through her drawers, looking for a hand mirror, which I needed to use to look at the back of a TV I couldn't turn around.  While going through the drawers, I found two different spoons that were quite obviously used to cook something -- heroin, I guess. There was leftover crap in the bowl of each spoon, and the bottom was all ashed up.  This girl is a really nice, sweet, friendly girl. She's usually stoned, but on pot. It kind of freaked me out to imagine her on smack. I'd like to think that they belong to a friend of hers (who I know enjoys blow and whatnot), but I just don't know.  Say what you like about pot... at least you don't use a spoon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My former employer:  "...wont need your services any more..." or some such nonsense.  I slept with your little girl.  Fair trade, i guess.  And i'm keeping the stapler.  
  On a snowboardin' trip, me and my buds where chillen out in the bunkroom, nothin to do till the next day. Eddie had purchased a new digital camera before the trip, and was out somewhere. We took pictures of Austin, a super crazy guy with Eddy's toothbrush up his ass.  When Eddy came back, his first act was to look at the kick-ass snowboarding pictures he had of us.  "Yo guys, lets check out all the pictures we took today....AAAHHHH"  bordom was kept at bay, at least for a little while.  
  The High School Puke Story - 2 of 2  After I had emptied by stomach acids into my book bag, caused great pandemonium in the class, and was taken to the nurse's station, things resumed to normalicy. With one loose end.   Now, R, who I was sitting right next to at the time of purge had no problem with my technicolor yawn. His words: It was like a front row seat at a Gwar show. And my aim was beautiful so neither he, nor I got muddied with my breakfast's return. And, as I found out, they still had to go through with a quiz. That's something we never could understand.   It was the jewish Princess in class. Woops, I puked. Granted, I could have done so in private, but it didn't work out that way. And Bitch was such an inflated small town daddy's girl that she wouldn't stop talking about it.   Cut to the General School Assembly, held every Monday and Wednesday, alternate Fridays(Mother-fuckin private schools) on the day of my vomit. Bitch was sitting two rows behind me, and R from was between us.   Bitch starts going off about how disgusting that display was. Couldn't hold it, ruined a french book, already have burned my bag. Shut up already. "Doesn't he know how appauled we all are?" Don't you know I'm within earshot? "He's just a filthy pig."   * Addendum - the stories not done, My computer got all whacky and sent the story too soon(even though this is a GREAT ending.)*  Once the Filthy Pig line came out, I'd had my fill.  I pulled myself up in my seat, turning to face her.  I got up high enough so I could see her over R.  "Why don't you learn how to SHUT THE FUCK UP, fuckin dirty whore!" Without pause, R turns to Bitch, "Are you a whore? I've got twenty bucks!"  And he pulls out the wallet for proof.  She sat back and sulked.  Everyone was laughing so hard it took about ten minutes to shut everyone up.      
  I am required to attend all the schools sporting events in uniform to keep order.  Well I was getting my self some nachos and a pop when this thick haired red eyed stoner walks up to me and askes me if i want to buy some weed.  i look him in the eye and ask do you know Im a cop.  he  looks at me closer and says  ohhhhh......you wanna buy some weed.  Needless to say I confiscated his weed and went to the station to enjoy it with my fellow officers.  
  I was driving with my family through southeast New Jersey, and we passed a billboard for the Tuckahoe Inn.  Out loud, mostly to myself, I commented "Hmm, Tuckahoe Inn ... ... sounds cozy."  They'll never let me forget that one.  
  I'm normally a very placid, non-confrontational person.  But one night I'm in a left turn lane with no green arrow, 3 or 4 cars ahead of me, very busy intersection, signal only allowed one car per light.  I'd had an exceptionally bad day, so I'm cranky.  Imbecile behind me starts laying on her horn.  She continues through 3 cars until I explode, put on the brake and walk back to her car.  In front of hundreds of people we start fighting through the window, she tears my teeshirt, exposing my bra, and bloodies my nose with a sucker punch.  After tussling for a while I start to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing and walk back to my car, cackling maniacally.  I take my time to turn left and she doesn't follow, even though now there was plenty of room.  Bet she thinks twice before blowing her horn now.  
  Last winter I was walking from the subway to my apartment building with a friend. It was around 20 to 30 degrees below zero.  She decided to applaud herself for wearing thermal underwear.  I, dressed only in jeans and an appropriate winter jacket quickly replied- "Well, there's a reason some people have foreskin."  My train of thought often doesn't include my brain...  
  I think when you make the drink Sex on the Beach with the cheapest vodka on earth, $1 peach schnapps, tang, and Wal-Mart brand cranberry juice, it should be called Dirty Fucking Rednecks.  
  I decided to take a personal day today. So I skipped school. I got up at 8:30, played on the computer while I had my coffee. Then I watched a movie followed by a shower.  I then felt a little guilty for not being in class so I proceeded to do all the homework left in the term for my online Spanish class. Afterwards I played on my Super Nintendo, followed by a half hour with my girlfriend. After she left at five I went back on the computer. It's now 10:30 in the PM. For the last fourteen hours I have spent a single hour not staring at a screen.   My eyes hurt.  
  I'm walking down the street towards Starbucks, horny as all hell.  "Hey baby...I got what you NEED!!" Shouted the O-SO disgusting construction worker....for the 3rd time that week as a matter of fact.  "Oooh REALLY?" said I "What I want is to get laid, what I NEED is to get laid." I continued  "Woah lady...you wanna settle it down I'm married" Stupid fucker. Now you know what happens when you do that.  
  In Tokyo, I ate hot sushi and drank cheap sake from paper cartons under a blazing festival sun.  I boarded a crowded train in the wrong direction and hurled liquid tuna and seaweed on the window.  A horrified woman cleaned my dripping face with a tissue as I lay dazed on the stained floor.    The 9:46 train to fucking nowhere.   
  at a paety at a friends house... had done some noise candy and was feeling no pain....  great party... lots of old friends from the old neighborhood, and church....  i use to think that the worst thing you could do was have to take a dump at a big party that had only one  bathroom well now it was my turn.... well setting in the little room with those louvered doors... you know like in the tropics.. well i'm waiting for the load to drop but only seem to be full of hot foul air.... pop.... pop... pop pop pop.... just setting and ripping out the gas.... loudly...  meanwhile the line outside the door is growing... and of course the younger brother of my friend is first in line and says to everyone else "i wonder who is in there making all that noise???   after a considerable length of time i had to face the gathered crowd....  if i wasn't black i would have been red for sure.....           
  Think of all the times you've done something socially unacceptable at work. I don't mean like looking up porn. I mean like, pissing on the toilet rim, or messing up someone's papers on their desk, took someone's stapler, stupid shit like that. Think of all the stupid shit you've done at your place of business and how pissed off you'd be if it happened to you. Then remember that next time you're ordering at a McDonald's. The cook hates his job, barely makes minimum wage, it's hot back there, and all the fuck he does is flip burgers.  I think it's safe to say we've all eaten spit-on burgers before.  "Welcome to McDonald's sir, may I take your order?"  "Gonna have to go with the salad, Bob."  
  After seeing the movie Dogma numerous times, some co-workers and I were discussing Beer and buddy jesus..(from the movie) then my friend had this hella cool idea ...make a beer called "jebus" and at the bottom of every bottle, would be a little plastic figurine of Buddy Jesus..."so you could find Jesus at the bottom of every bottle of beer"!!      Then to expand on the idea..I suggested.. "god lite" -- Getting your soul saved..with half of the calories!...     Fucked up thing is....this idea was coming from aethist's and me..the pagan..     Fuck... i need a life..   
  It had happened, I knew. The telltale signs were there. I found myself standing in a lukewarm shower trying successfully to keep the water out of my nearly full, but soon to be drained, cup shocked full of hot espresso. I had some late Pink Floyd booming out of the stereo, and that Twin Peaks midget scene on A->B Repeat blaring from the television. But, had I known that not 30 minutes later I'd be playing internet euchre with 3 reportedly attractive females from the northwestern United States, I'm sure I'd of rinsed and repeated.  Something was there, I could feel it. I knew that I'd passed the point of no return, you know, where it's longer to get back to the beginning than it is to go to the end. After trying to unsuccessfully sleep I realized that sleeping for a meager hour or two would be worse than no sleep at all.  "So what did I do? I turned to Sweet Mistress Brew * ."  I've come to grips that I'm mildly Bi-Polar. I've also come to grips that excessive brew intake can catapult me into a far flung manic-depressive episode, only heightened by possible sleep deprivation. I'm normally cranky by the 20 hour mark, but this time I new I'd be a raging beast. I did the calculations, It would be at least 36 hours. By that time I normally can't handle simple arithmetic. My attention is starting to flutter, I'm losing interest in this thing. Anyone who read the first two paragraphs hoping for some climactic or clever outcome, I apologize, and I laugh maniacally at your dissapointment.       * Patend Pending  
  when fred gets piss-drunk at night he breaks into my house to wake me up by flopping across my bed yelling "mr. limpy!  mr. limpy!  mr. limpy!"   could there be some kind of freudian issue here?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A grey, broken old man picked me up 60 miles from the Arizona/Nevada border, where I'd slept.  It was dawn - sometime before 7am - and he was driving to a casino on the far side of the Hoover Dam, where he would gamble 'til long after sunset. He offered me some of the beer he was drinking.  I declined.  In retrospect, this was the perfect introduction to Nevada.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  i was typing to my friend online and he proposed i teach him gymnastics for a 6 pack of beer per hour, as is i am a coach of gymnastics part time at my college and get to work with the dancers and cheerleaders, bling!   anyway, he asks what he can do before the summer when he gets home from his far away college so i tell him to "stretch" and "make sure to tear up when you do splits" now i meant tear like emit a salty discharge from your eye socket, but i can see the confusion  
  So I'm a bisexual female who just happens to have a boyfriend at the moment.  We'd been going out for many months when this happened, and had a lot of history together.  One day he sort of disappeared from the face of the earth, and I had no idea where he was for about a week.  I was starting to think he didn't want to be around me, and as soon as those thoughts entered my brain, a female friend dropped hints like bricks that she liked me.  I went back and forth to myself for a long while- do I dump the guy I love for an unknown, seeing as he was being kind of jerk-like (though as it turned out, he got caught for pot posession and was spending that week that he disappeared in jail- he still loved me), forsaking our long-standing love?  Or do I stick with him, and maybe marry him, and miss out on all the other opportunities out there? I pondered this with growing depression- I still hadn't heard from my boyfriend, the pressure was on from my friends, and every time I saw the girl I felt I owed her some kind of explanation.  It was horrible. But then in a moment of true bisexuality, the male part of my brain took over and I realized something that made it all seem so much better- Either way, I get laid. It's nice to know my Friday nights aren't going to be spent saying "Who's a good boy?  Yesss, you are!  Nummy doggy treats!", but rather, "Who's been bad?  Yeah, you have!  Say it!  Say it, bitch!"  
  I pick too many scabs.  Then I bite them to see how hard they are.  No eating, just biting.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So i went on a tour of the Simplot Potato factory in Caldwell, Idaho for a school project.  Somewhere in the large and scary gauntlet of machinery, there was a guy measuring the width of the french fries by hand.  He not only lives in Caldwell, Idaho, but he measures the width of french fries for a living.  I suddenly felt much better about myself.  
  My brother-in-law was charged with inciting a riot.  On the last day of Montgomery Ward s going-out-of-business sale, he picked up one of the phones that linked to the PA system, and he projected throughout the store, in his most business-like voice:   Attention Montgomery Ward customers:  All items are NOW FREE.  Please select your items now and leave the store.  Have a nice day.   People frantically filled shopping carts with clothes, TV sets, appliances, dishes, you name it, and rushed the doors in a frenzy.  So many people got away with so much stuff so quickly that there was no way for the staff to control what was happening.  My brother-in-law would have gotten away with it, except they caught him on camera picking up the phone, and also got a witness.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've given up reading American personal ads for entertainment -- they're so bloody BLAND - "long walks," "friendship first ..."  So here's my favourite London "SPY" magazine ad for comparison:  "Hotshot lady barrister seeks boyflesh for dinner and rumpypumpy. Friendship optional."  
  Pulling into the snobby european sports car dealership, I find myself following a battered rusty pickup driven by a grisly dirtbag with greasy hair and sizeable gaps in his brown teeth.   Bumpersticker on the truck: "I'm just looking for a nice girl who doesn't mind wiping up vomit."  Shoulda seen the looks he was getting from the yuppie vermin. I decided if there was trouble, I was on his side.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          4:31 AM.. or is it 3:31? Damn time change... She can't sleep, probably from that 4 hour nap this afternoon... She made a pot of vegetable soup from scratch, smoked the last cigarette and is still awake, staring at her boyfriend passed out in the middle of the living room floor... wondering where the closest 24 hour cigarette store is.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was 2.30am in Atlanta during a Grateful Dead weekend.  My girl and I were sitting with a stripper we had met at the Pink Pony nude club next door.  Someone ordered grits.  "Yoo-hoo! I need another plate of critters, pronto!" chorused the flamboyantly gay waiter.   "I hope my boyfriend doesn't find out I came here with you," the stripper said. "He'll think I fucked you."  "You did," came the reply.  A group of Deadheads sat down at the dirty table next to us and hungrily ate what remained on the previous occupants' plates. One even licked up the bacon grease.      
  While living in Texas, I brought my car to used-car lot to sell. I struck a deal of 10% of the price if he sold it.  The next week, I found a buyer, and removed the car from the lot. The guy got pissed-off as all hell and demanded his 10%. I told him to fuck off. He started screaming and cursing, said he knew where I lived and said he was coming over that night to kill me. And he looked like he meant it. So I went to the sheriff and told him the story. He asked if I had gun. I told him "yes, several shotguns". He said I had a problem. He said, even though he threatened me, if he pulled a gun, and I shot him, he would have to arrest me.  Then he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and said: "However, if the sonofabitch enters your apartment, you can shoot him no problem." He asked if I had couch. I nodded yes. He recommended turning it on its back, hiding behind with loaded gun and waiting for the guy to enter. But he pointed out that if I shot him and he fell into the hallway, it'd be messy for me. So me and friend bought us a fifth of 80 proof dutch courage, got plastered and waited. About midnight, the came driving though in his pick-up doing circles in the parking lot emptying his gun into the air, then left.  You gotta just fucking love America!!    
  Was cutting me off worth it? The street was slick. The rain was pounding on us. I could have crashed. You really scared me.  What did you gain by cutting me off? We made it into the same parking lot in the same minute and parked side by side.  I don t know what you were trying to achieve, but if it was to have the ragtop of your shitty Volkswagon slashed open in the pouring rain, you succeeded.    
  Cant beleive I havent thought of this one yet:  Last year of college I worked for one of those company's that cuts branches away from powerlines.  My boss was a cock sucker deluxe.  After a week of working in solid downpours wearing seventy plus pounds of industrial rain gear throwing trees into a huge wood chipper - a screaming ball of blades that would turn me to human V8 juice in about .5 seconds - I let him overhear me talking about what an asshole he was.  I knew he had overheard and if you can beleive it he ended up warming up to me after that.  But it was too late.  I quit one week later and on that last day it rained like a motherfucker.  We ate lunch in the truck as usual and I asked if I could use my last lunch break to fuck around with the bucket above the truck - you know the hydrolic set of arms.  He agreed.  I climbed in oblivious to the downpour and raised that thing up straight and instictively pissed on the windshield he was eating his grinder just behind.  At the end of the day he gave me his favorite guitar shaped keychain and I felt almost guilty.  This really happened.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         1. Privacy.  2. Anonymity.  3. Lack of desire to chat with any of you losers.  People keep asking why we don't post our real addresses. I think these are the top 3 reasons, but I may have missed a couple.  
  i heard on 60 minutes once that you can get paid $100 to give a shot of cum to sperm banks.   hell, i do that three times a day already... thats $300 a day. 5 days a week... (2 to rest) thats $1500 a week.   thats $78,000 a year.  college, career? fuck THAT, i'm gonna wack off for fun and profit.       
  Coming home from Chicago, Part One:  When driving back from Chicago to where I live, I have to pass via the Toll Road into Gary, Indiana.  Those familiar with the Midwest will know of it's armpit-of-the-region reputation.  Perhaps the rest of you will, too.  But this was never made so clear to me as when I noticed the large, shiny "THE PEOPLE OF GARY INDIANA WELCOME YOU" sign ... placed right in the middle the Waste Water Treatmene Plant.   That's right - surrounded by pools of shitwater.  
  I wonder how many  really  ugly people read this site.  
  I used to tell people I was a stripper as I worked my way through grad school.  It was an absolute lie, but it was interesting to see how far people would believe me.  My song was Rod Stewart's "Do You Think I'm Sexy".    If I was to say I was a stripper now, I think my song would be "One More Time" by Daft Punk.   
  BEHOLD THE LARGE REDNECKED LAND LUMMOX OF LOWER CANADA  
  the elementary school behind my had some decoration on the fence in front. little paper chain links. i was frustrated and angry about something not important at all, so i ripped the thing down. i looked at the links and they had kids names on them. it was a homage to the shit that happened on 9/11. shit. i decided to keep two links to remind myself how stupid i can be. sorry to Jason and William.   
  After a lenghty evening of serious drinking at a Hallowe'en party, I had to take a chartered bus back to town.  I'm ridin' at the back of the bus.  This bus didn't have a bathroom on it.  I had to piss.  Unzipped it, and unloaded the remnants of a dozen beer and some rye and cokes onto the floor.  Wow did the puddle ever go far.  For the record, the piss puddle traveled up 11 seats. It was my Coke I said.  
  I am a computer specialist.  I buld PC's , network servers & high end multimedia machines.  I run file and web servers. And I do web production.  but  I cant multiply single-digit numbers higher than 7  or  Keep my shoelaces from coming untied.    this is sad and true    
  have you ever scared the shit outta something?  well i scared the shit back into something.  i walked down my stairs from my apartment and i saw a cat on the lawn takin a shit and i yelled,"HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" and it sucked the shit back up in itself and took off into the bushes...  
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        If you were to throw a rock in the pit that is my self esteem, you would grow leg hair before you heard your rock hit bottom.  
  How do jingle singers manage to put so much emotion into a damn jingle?  Can "Always Coca-Cola" really be that inspirational?      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         His hand on my hip -- proprietary. His mouth on my mouth -- sweet, deep.  migration to the bed.  clothes gone.  his teeth grazing my ear.  his cock pressing against my thigh.  I want to get fucked.  I get fucked.  Yay!  
  half a bottle of carlo rossi (cheap ass sangria wine) half a bottle of whiskey one nice white couch 19 year old girl one chronic joint ... mix first two ingredients in stomach of girl, then apply liberal amount of chronic joint to lungs let sit for appx. 15-20 minutes on couch when girl turns pail, she's ready you now will have a not so nice red and white chunky couch i've never seen sangria come out of someone's nose like that  
  Fucking not  everybody   loves Raymond.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was a website, that used to be amazingly gritty and harsh and wild and free.  Those were the days, because now it's a company with banners up everywhere and shitty content, making what used to be a cool webmaster money.    I associate this with what people have made "big" throughout time.  It used to be castles for the king, or huge grand churches for religion, or majestic elaborate tombs for pharoahs.    Now, it's skyscrapers, for corporations, standing as pylons of things I despise.     
  I wake up and roll over.  4 AM.  More like regained consciousness.  Still drunk from the party that I passed out at.  I stumble my way to the bathroom cause I'm about to birth a brown baby boy.  Lift up the lid and sit down.  The seat is surprisingly cold, and the hole is huge.  I proceed to do my thing.  I stand up when finished and look down.  I accidentally lifted up the seat as well as the lid.  I feel my self esteem increase.    
  I am most happy when I have a boner.  
  I have two browser windows open. One is lowbrow. One is voyeur photos of women changing. I am at work.  
  I can report that receiving cunnilingus is enhanced with menthol cough drops.   I leave it to you to figure out how to use the cough drop.     
  I'm 22 and still feel like a kid.  I don't want a real job, don't want to take responsibilities, and am scared to enter the 'real world.'  Last night I realized that some of the troops dieing in Iraq are younger than me.    Talk about a wake up call  
  I'm working my way up to *1000* situps a day by the year 2000.  So far, I can do 30.        
  I once watched TV and drank continuously for several days until my stomach decided it would tolerate no more alcohol. Damned if I was gonna face the night with world-class DTs, I resumed my shot/beer regimen only to puke on the corner of my living room rug from the comfort of my steel and leather recliner. This happened several times over the course of the night until I was sufficiently buzzed.   A few days later I retrieved myself from utter despair and met my current girlfriend. I couldn't bring her home for weeks until the southern-comfort/puke/spic-n-span aroma dissipated. Years later, that foul stench is still there if you get right down and smell it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting at dinner in the dorm with friends when someone said that we were leaving. I decided this was a good time to offgas so I let out about four silent but deadly ones. Just before we were about to stand up, the really hot girl who I have a crush on came over to sit down with us. Needless to say, her visit was a short one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It doesn't matter why you say it, but the statement 'Where the fuck are my pants?' is always funny in any context  
  i had a sinus infection. being to lazy to get up while watching tv, i would spit loogie's into a empty glass. i spit in it for about two days straight, and it was getting pretty full. skip forward 3 weeks. the glass (along with many other dishes) is still in the same spot cause i was to lazy to take care of it. my grandma comes over. whenever she comes over she bitches about how i am a lazy pig, and she cleans the place up. i come out of the bathroom, and she is scrubbing the glass trying to get the encrusted loogie out.  "What did you put in here?" she asks.  "hmm i dont really remember, i think it was milk" i say, knowing it was loogie.  "you really need to take care of your dishes or you will have roaches" she says as she puts the brush down and starts scraping out the glass with her fingernails.  i think i need to invite grandma over more often.  
  I swear it wasn't planned.  It happened on the spur of the moment.  My young pal say's "Psst...  I got a cigarette.  Let's got out back and smoke it.  So I'm standing there, behind the barn with this other 13-year-old boy, taking my very first drag off a crumbly old cigarette that's been stashed in his pocket for several days...and my dad walks out the back door.  He takes one look...and banishes me to my room...for life.  I'm now 49.  Can I come out and play?       
  Tequila and donuts also do not mix.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have two browser windows open. One is lowbrow. One is voyeur photos of women changing. I am at work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On my way to work this morning, I made a quantitative observation:  When buying a cup of coffee, the speed with which the line moves is inversely proportional to the amount of [mostly female] suits [that would be, businesspeoples] in said line.  Are those folks buying coffee and a danish, or working out a fucking second mortgage?   
  i've been up all night so far.  i got excited when i descided to take the dog for a walk.  so excited i almost forgot pants  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my sister came home for thanksgiving last week and brought her gal pal, and two lesbian friends.  they all shared a bed up the attic right above my bedroom.  the two other girls showered together, and let me tell you it is not a turn on to hear lesbians fucking at one in the morning, and then have to be the one who cleans the shower when they're done.  
        DATELINE- Louisiana, 1989  MacDonalds' men's restroom. Piss in the soap dispenser.   That's funny shit.  
  i'm wondering if there are any vacancies in cheerleaderatyercrotch's neighborhood.   
   Flirting With Steffi Graf  I loved watching her play tennis. The fittest woman in the world. Absolutely all business, all the time. No hissy-fits, no emotion, no excuses because of injury. She  never  tanked, rarely allowed herself to get annoyed or flustered, and never acknowledged the crowd during a match. 'Cept once. She was in the act of serving, when some moron in the crowd yelled out: " Steffi! Will you marry me? " She'd normally just look a little annoyed, take a five second break to get her concentration back together, and continue. But she'd had a tough year, with her dad having dumped his wife for someone Steffi's age, and he was also in prison for fiddling Steffi's books. She answered: "Do you have any money?" The crowd laughed. The guy couldn't think of a comeback, and Steffi continued the match. Moron. Her lifetime earnings at that point were $21 milllion. If I'd been the one shouting at her, I'd have come back with: "Eh, between us we'll make out OK!"  
  I love it when my friends convince me to go and have a "couple" of drinks with them early in the evening.  Then later when I am sloppy-stupid and dancing to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" on stage with the only fat girl in the bar they laugh, point, and jeer.    Good friends, good times.  
  Yeah i like to party! You do mean partying as in  ass fucking rigth?    
  It's my first day of classes at Community College. I'm sitting at my desk as the teacher makes us tell a little bit about yourself and what you've done over the summer. Ya know, just like when you were in the 2nd grade.  So this one kid stands up and says "My names Ed and I am taking 18 hours this semester. I plan on majoring in aerospace engineering."  He sits down and the girl behind him stands and says in her best country drawl "My names Jenny, and I'm just taking this here class so ah can stay on ma dad's insurance until ah have tha baby."  Ohh god, it's going to be a long semester.  
  "Y'know, I never really enjoyed blowjobs before. I don't think I've ever come from one, until now. Wow, thank you."  The first time I said this I actually meant it.  The second time I said it, I wanted to see if she'd react the same way the other girl did -- all proud and stuff.  By the fourth time I said it, I knew  exactly  what I was doing.  
  I walked into the car dealership, alone.  Walked proudly past half a dozen dealers. I had an appointment and didn't need to linger. Unbeknownst to me, my ass was hanging out the back of my skirt. Still, I was unable to cut even a half-reasonable deal. Well, fuck me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were driving back from the Indian restaurant one night--Tom and Shawn and I some others--and Shawn is telling this dumb story Tom and I have heard a thousand times already.  It's about how he went to visit his dying grandmother in the hospital, and she gave him all this advice--be moral and upstanding, don't lie or steal, keep focused on your goals, help others--all this advice that Shawn's never followed (he's an asshole, he cheats, he lies, he's lazy).  Anyway, right when he gets to the part where she grasps his hand, and he says, "And then do you know what she said to me?", Tom says, innocently, "'You're standing on my hoses'?"  The whole car erupted in laughter, Shawn got mad, and, best of all, his story was ruined.    
    After a whole night and day of drinking and drugs i poked my head out of the club entrance in the early hours of somebody else's workday.  Feeling completely invinsible i proceeded continuously ask busy and tired people the time, targettig those with both arms full.  One man, on the opposite side of the street, overloaded with grocery bags struggled to look at his watch dropped a bag. I glared, pointed and laughed...                  ...3 hours later i was on the ground protecting my head from 4 pairs of steel-toe boots worn by construction workers who didn't find the obvious humor in us removing the ladder from their 3rd story construction site...                           ...1 hour after that i was sitting in the back of a police car.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Dude, that chick knockin' on your door for Halloween...I think she WAS a beat up 14 yrld. prostitute.   
  When I was little I wore pajamas with the foot bootie attached.  One morning I proudly crapped my pants and the log rolled down my leg. I stepped on that log all day, every time I walked, until my mom finaly discovered it        
  Sitting in English class one day, one of my friends sarcastically commented, "The Kama Sutra is a good book." The girl in the seat in front of him turns around and says to us, "Have you seen the movie?" And then she was confused when the 5 guys behind her in the conversation all started laughing uncontrollably.  
  The question is not 'would you suck your own dick if you could', but 'would you spit or swallow'.  
  You Know what I really hate?  When you are taking a dump and the cold water splashes up on your ass hole.  
  Did ya ever click some porn site and it pops open not only them damn pop-up windows but some audio file in which some bimbo blares "I've got a secret website thats so harcore I can't. . ."  Maybe you know what else she says I don't.  Boy that sure is a good time when it happens at work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ya know, if I could just drink at my fucking job, I would be so goddamn happy. The monkey's fling shit on the walls. And, it  Magically  turns into content. Where's my bottle of vodka?  
  I think one of the coolest things about being human is that we can trick our genitals into thinking we're having sex.  
  I had just shut the door to my car and turned to walk into the grocery store when all of a sudden this bright orange vw beatle pulled up next to me, blasting Korn so loud that the windows rattled. This teenager with red hair pulled back into a nazi-bun, sparkles in her makeup, lip gloss so thick she could have lubed squeaky hinges from here to alaska, chewing bubblegum, shoes with 5 inch heels, bellbottoms, an out of date disco tube top, designer imposter shades with stick-on-decals... gets out of the car and brushes past me. With a huge ego like she is miss model of coolness of the century.. I glanced on the rear window of her car and I see a sticker in her back windshield it says PORN and a huge star like from a cartoon in the 70's. So I think.. yeah.. you wish.   
  Guys, stop worrying about if they're real or not. They're tits, bought or homegrown doesn't matter if you've managed to get to the point you can do a hands-on test. I mean, do we ask you if those lines you're desperately feeding us are original?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm in the office restroom, and i cough out a particularly disgusting loogie - making terrible gurgling noises trying to get the shit out of my throat.  barely a second after i spit the disgusting stuff into the sink, a co-worker walks in.  i'm the only other person in the bathroom, and there's no way he couldn't have heard the cat-dying-while-in-heat noises i made while hacking up the loogie.  i wash my hands and walk out like nothing's happened.  
   The funniest thing my boss has ever said to me: "Before you go, we gotta get some fucking noodles, dude."  
  Sometimes when I'm bored I download people's resumes from Kazaa and then make fun of their stupid fake-sounding job titles.  I guess it'd be easy to stalk them, too, but I'm never that ambitious.  
  Riding in his Grand Am, we were drinking slightly warm Dr. Pepper as we headed back home after a day at work.   He belched, and the car windows actually bowed outward.       
  if i had all the forskins ever snipped..i would have a lot of foreskins.  then you would be proud  
  I went into a bar the other day, called 'the Lowbrow Lounge'...  I half expected you all to be there.  Of course, I don't know that you weren't.     
  Ever see that Far Side cartoon with the two twin boys tossing a baby bear back and forth in the air, and the mother right behind them? The caption reads something like "And the Anderson twins were never heard from again." This girl reads this cartoon and, with a confused look, asks "Who were the Anderson twins?"  Never name your daughter Lyndon.  
  After the movie, we had to go to his office to pick up some papers he'd forgotten. A coworker asked where we'd been, and we told him we'd gone to see "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings". "I saw that last week! Was it cool or what? But I didn't like the ending, it didn't really finish, ya know?" We looked at each other, and biting back laughter explained it was the first of a trilogy, like the book. "OH! Well, that makes sense, cos then it would have to explain stuff later... wait, you mean there's a book too?"  
  It's hard to call it dry-humping when her underwear, pants, my pants, and my underwear are all soaked through...  
  I was thumbing through a porn mag & was admiring a heart stoppingly beautiful girl artfully reclining in a leather chair. Trev wanders by, pauses to look over my shoulder, & then exclaims "Look at the state of her fucking sandals", & walks away. Sometimes Trev scares me.  
  it wasnt low that i let a fat girl into my truck when i was 17... it wasnt low that i ripped her clothes off and tried to finish it as fast as possible...  the low part was kicking the steering wheel and hitting the horn, alerting everyone at the campfire where we had run off too...  i'll never forget the look on the faces of the 5 12-13 yr olds when they put a flashlight up to the window and saw me bouncin on a girl twice my size, and said, um, your mother wants to talk to you.....  
  The setup: I was working in a convientent store located in a city right under Boston called Quincy where the trash is very white and they like it that way. My upper right arm is a half sleeve tattoo of a grapevine with insects on it. The event: A fat toothless native woman, who may or may not have been drunk, with stringy grayish hair came up to my register and right before she asked for her GPC she looked at my arm and said,  "You musta been shitfaced!"   
  so tonight i decided i was gonna buy beers for the first time, using my newly aquired fake id.  this thing is amazing.. it scans everywhere, and it's my actual picture.  i stroll into cumberland farms, the lady at the counter is wrinkled and looks like she's been to hell amd back.  i head towards the refridgerator and try to remember whether or not my friend wanted budweiser or coronas.  well, the budweisers are on sale, a 30 rack for 16.99.. why the hell not, right?  as i stumble up to the counter, the damn 30 weighing my five foot one frame down, i'm ready.  "can i see an id?"  "sure", i say, with the slickness of a piece of god damn sandpaper.  hand shaky, i put the id up on the counter and try and act cool.  "thank you" she says, and rings in the sale.  no lady, thank you.  i think next time i'll have the balls to hit up an liquor store instead of a sketchy gas station quicky mart with 16.99 30 racks of "GO PATS" bud, which i realize have probably been there since last year's superbowl.  
  If you drive an obscenely expensive vehicle and take up two parking spaces so no one will get close enough to ding your doors... baby, you are just begging to get keyed.  I love it when they beg.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   ----------------------------------------  If you keyed my car, and I caught you doing it, I'd skull fuck you until I could tickle your occipital lobe.  Think about that.  
  sitting at the counter in the coffee shop about 4;30 pm. the counter was L shaped, about 7 seats on each arm. only me on one arm and someone else on the other.  a woman.  she starts to go under, really--under the counter. at first i think she dropped something and is trying to pick it up.  i look closer and decide she is having a siezure. i look back at my newspaper-then go to bathroom, hoping someone else will see her and do something. no one does. i walk past her to pay my bill and leave--pretending i don;t see anything.  
  most people cry out their sadness. either that or use a baseball bat.  i don't own a baseball bat and crying sucks.  so i find usually i shit out my sadness. no kidding, when i'm depressed it's like i had a bean burito buffet.  
  I stopped dating a women because of her obsession with Neil Diamond.  I think that I was probably missing much worse problems.  
  An email from a friend of mine.  I had to put it out there:  uh, I was in a hurry Tuesday to get ready for the shoot on Wednesday. There was ketchup on the shirt I had to use for continuity. I needed spot remover, but promised myself not to turn it into a full-blown shopping trip. However on the way out, I remembered one other item I needed. The quickie checkouts were all being used, so I went into a regular line. Ahead of me was a cute college girl and her b/f. Directly behind me was a well-kept guy about 60 yo, and behind him a Michigan 4F* hefer.  Do-de-do looking around I suddenly noticed the gent behind had kind of a hidden smile on his face. The hefer was scowling. The cutie was whispering to bf. All were cheating towards me.   It was then I realized what I was buying: spot remover and a economy-sized box of condoms.  cheers. *4F - fat-forty-frustrated-female   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         acting in a kids show severly hungover from the night before. one thought running through my head " if i hork on i little kid i will die from laughing"  
  Instead of semen, I think it would be awesome if I could cum fire.  
  I told a nother guy he was a low-life scum and that I needed 5 beers before I would go Out with him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I'll just have a coke, please"  "What? You're not drinking beer!"  "No, i've drank too much this weekend. I feel ill"  "I can't believe you don't want a beer"  "OK, i'll have a beer then"  Willpower in action.  
   It was an incidental reunion of the only people that were really "family" to me growing up. I'd seen each of them maybe once in the past three years.   The feral loner, the sailor, the dealer, the nihilistic little brother.   Four guys hiding in a bathroom trying to do lines while one holds the door closed against the violently pissed girlfriend outside.  
  After having 9 beer bongs, he sat there with a look of determination on his face.   He twisted and pulled at the top of the bottle but it just wouldn't open.    I kindly pointed out to him that you need a corkscrew for a wine bottle.   
  "...For fuck sakes" I said...  "My, aren't we a ray of fucking sunshine she said"  My fake bad mood was immediately spoiled.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In kindergarten, we were playing some game that I knew I had won, but the teacher was taking forever going around the room asking everyone how many points they had gotten.  I had to pee really badly, but I wanted my prize for winning, and if I went to the bathroom I would miss it.  So I tried to hold it, and eventually I couldn't hold it anymore, and I peed all over the floor, right in the middle of class in front of everyone.  I ran out of the room and they had to call my parents to bring me new clothes.  I was too humiliated to go back to class, so I just went home, and told people I had gotten sick.  
   I have masturbated in the shower everyday since I was 13.    In the shower I have vengefully stuck my room-mates toothbrush up my ass and have came in his shampoo bottle.  I've joked around with him when we were drinking one night....he didn't take me seriously however and just laughed.   Although, my hair has been so manageable lately......       
  we had been lighting *big* fireworks off in a park at night. as we were leaving, the cops pulled up and said,  "an old woman who lives over here said she heard gunshots. now who has the fireworks?" they frisked us all, and questioned us about our age and where we lived. we were all wondering who had the fireworks, as they worked their way down the line.  did i mention that we had gotten everything we had done, including lighting fireworks, tipping 4 porta-potties, trespassing *numerous* times, stealing 12 cases of pepsi, and just being plain old bad kids, on video? don't ask why.  one cop took the camera bag, and handed it to his friend. the guy went through the bag, and handed it back.  "no fireworks in here." thank god. they never found the fireworks on anyone. apparently we had just lit off our last one before they arrived.   that's what i call being given a second chance.   we went and stole a magazine stand.  
  I never had many girlfriends. Appearently, since I look exactly like David Arquette, that's not cosidered stud material  Anyways, I had one prosperous year. I had 4 girlfriends during ONE school year! Quite an accomplishent might i say. Let me share what happened  1st: dumped me since I was too nice. Yes, appearently treating her nicely is a bad thing. She is now a full blown lesbian.  2nd: Dumped me for moving too slow. SHe wanted me to be w/ her all the time and build my life around her..only after 2 weeks. She is now in NC living w/ a 48 year old guy w/ 6 kids. She's 25.  3rd:Dumped me for being mean. Not doing everything she wanted me to do and give her everything she wants is mean to her. Has 3 kids, never has worked, and makes a living by suing anyone/everyone  4th: Dumped for moving too fast. I tried to kiss her after being together for a week. SHe lost her virginity 2 weeks later to some guy she didn't know. Surprisingly, she's actaully normal   Why does high school have to suck so bad?  
  The "Safe" Way to Have Sex With Strangers  Okay Okay, so fuck, I'm no Doctor, but I bet I've screwed more dudes then most Doctors...and this whore is still STD free, so read the steps.  1.  Always do the hand job first, if you feel anything bumpy, use "Oh my God, I just started getting the worst cramps, you need to leave." If that doesn't work, double over in pain from these "cramps" and hell, throw in some loud screeching crying type noises if needed.  I guarantee he won't want to stick around for that.  2.  When giving the stranger head, if you feel anything bumpy or oozy (not including cum) use, "Oh my God, I just heard my boyfriends car pull in." Hopefully he won't want your boyfriend to join in, because then I don't know what to tell you.  3.  If everything with Step 1 and Step 2 goes well (meaning he wasn't so damn eager that he didn't blow his load during Step 2) then proceed to have sex, and if he isn't wearing a Brillo Pad as a condom but it sort of FEELS like he is, use "Oh my God, dude, I think I just started ragging" and jump up and grab your crotch like there's a flood in between your legs.  Actually, if you make it to Step 3 without noticing that nasty shit, you are already screwed...literally.    
  last night I went to a room to room party  where every room had a different theme and a different drink.  Daniel did a room, his theme was "in line at the bank" and his drink was coffee with whiskey and cream in it.   a really funny room was the "restroom" which was a bathroom with chairs in it.  The drink was whiskey sours because they look like pee. another room was the "Middle East Conflict room" : it was really unpolitically correct, but that's ok they were dressed up like orthodox jews and serving kamakazis and then one of them was standing outside protesting the room with a big sign  ..because it's berkeley and everyone there loves a good protest  another room was the s&m room  eva and nadine were dressed up in bondage wear  and everyone was watching porn and drinking bloody mary's and dirty sanchezes.  another room was the "nuisances at a garden party" room, and it was full of flowers, fake bugs, and orange juice with vodka   another room was "church" and they served red wine and were dressed up like nuns  it was a fun party  I was exhausted by 1 am.  but everyone else stayed up all night  
  14 years old...my best friend and I home alone... mix a soda bottle full of assorted shots from my dad's liquer cabinet.    We end up doing 13 or 14 shots each but insist that we don't feel any different.  We then decide to go out walking in the freshly fallen snow.  We talked as we walked up the center of the street through virgin snow.  It was only when we got to the end and had to turn around that we noticed that we were both barefoot.  As we walked back to my house we couldn't figure out why our tracks zigged and zagged from one side of the road to the other, interrupted here and there by snow-angels and several pinkish puddles of steaming vomit...hmmm  
  my mom is very aware of the very real possibility that a weasel or bird might take and eat her (fully grown) 3.5 pound chihuahua while it's taking a crap.  
  Ah, this family of mine.  Sorry_e_e, the father; snikrepkire, the uncle I want to emulate; lowbrowlimbro, the brother I never had; and fury440, the retarded cousin that goes into seizures at every Easter dinner.  
   digi0xFF: to make mtv, you take shit... compress it, transmit it electronically, and shove it into your eyes.       
  Which is sicker....?  Peeing in a public restroom and leaving without washing your hands  or  Peeing in a public restroom and touching the faucet (which has been contaminated with millions of other people's pee germs) ????  I prefer my own pee germs thank you...  
  "I'm over protective because you don't know how to take care of yourself!" my mother said as she drove 60 down the freeway while putting on mascara and gazing intently into the rear view mirror.  
  Imagine the most disgusting thing in the world. A big mountain of human excrements, vomit, whatever.  ...  Chances are, somewhere, someone is turned on by that exact same thought.  
  I asked life, "Why me?"  Life replied, "Why not you?"  I don't talk to life anymore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think I might want to move to Korea. Why you ask? For starters it's the broadband capital of the world. Do you know what that means?  Light speed lowbrow...  
  We kept singing You've lost that loving feeling over and over again at the top of our lungs.  Every once in a while she would lift her head from the toilet and weakly tell us to leave. After about half an hour 20 or so more people had crowed into the bar's tiny ladies room to help us serenade the girl on the floor.        
  I get scared that I'll keep reading lowbrow even when there's nothing new, because I won't be able to convince myself that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         All you guys out there who like humping your old lady doggy-style so you can imagine she's the girl at the record store in the mall - some movie star - your Uncle Steve. . .  Did you ever think that while your doing your business  shes   imaginging your that cute boy from the record store - some movie star - or your Uncle Steve?  All this time you thought you were sooooo clever.  
  One time I threw a beat in my English teacher's coffee, and when she took a drink, the class was laughing so hard that people were crying. One kid threw up on his desk he was laughing so hysterically.        
  i got stuck in a residence hall known for the wild parties thrown every night. unfortunately, i have an 8 AM class, so instead of being up all night partying, i sleep. one night there was a heavy downpour, and the next morning the ground was soaked... there were even puddles under the stairways where i know no rain could get to.... when i left for class the next morning, i had one thought - "nothing beats the smell of fresh urine in the morning"  
  I used to work at a movie theater, and cleaning up after a show, you'd find some interesting shit: dirty diapers, empty alcohol containers of all sizes and varieties, used condoms, the occasional puddle of piss, $20 bills, etc.  The one that has stuck the most in my mind is when I found a large pizza box in the theater.  I thought that was rather interesting, considering nobody who was really fat or carrying a large bag came in.  Then I thought that someone had snuck it in from the exit in the theater itself, but that door has an alarm on it, and it never went off.  I opened the box (curious as to what kind of pizza it was), and there was no cheese or grease or anything on the lid, which indicated the box was carried level.  This puzzled me so much, I went back over the video tapes, but I didn't see anything.  To this day, I wonder how the fuck you can carry a pizza box into a movie theater without tilting it and without getting caught.  
  Conversation on a abortion help line...  Caller:I want to get an abortion but i think it's morally wrong.  Operator:Well do you think you can provide the needs for a child?  Caller:I suppose but i really dont want a child at this point of my life, I'm young..somewhat ugly but...a lot to look forward to in the future and I don't think I can handle the responsibility anymore!!!  Operator:Well it's your body and you need to do whats's best for you and no one else.Do your parents know?  Caller:They've known for a while it's just...I think a may be a little late for the abortion.  Operator:Well you need to get it done before it's too late.How far into the pregnancy are you?  Caller:Well he just turned 4 in March.  Operator:Ma'am, what do you mean 4 in March??  Caller:Yeah...4 years old.I suppose you're right about getting it done as soon as possible.Thank you soooo much for the guidence.I was really scared but now i feel secure.Thank you.  Operator:WAIT!!!!I didn't know you meant four years!!Give him up for adoption or let your parents handle him for a while!!!  Caller:"click"  
  So he's got a hairy back, which I don't mind at all.  But it bothers him, especially in the summer.  So I wax his back for him.  Not really a big deal.  But it hurts him quite a bit.  That's nice for me, because I'm not so good at expressing myself, so I save up all my irritations for that day.  *fucking didn't clean the bathroom in months* **RRIIIPPPPPP***  "ow ow ow"  *got me a crappy gift for my birthday* *rrriiipppppp*** "ow ow ow"  I highly recommend it.  If I didn't have to see naked people all day I would think about being a professional waxer.  
   We used to get heavy blizzards throughout the winter. The past couple of years there have been spells of high humidity and temperatures in the 60's to high 70's appearing from Dec.-Feb. Fuck the poles, global warming is here in New Jersey.        
  I was having a dream, a great dream.  I was in a bar, with all ladies, and me, the only male. All the chicks were sweating and wearing tight clothes and stuff. But there was this one chick in the back, dressed in torn jeans and a small t-shirt. I walked over to her, and put both my hands on your waist, and looked deap into her eyes. I was just about to lean over and make out with her, when she slaps me, and walks out.  Man, its gotta be a bad sign when you get rejected in your own dreams...  
   Hula Girl, Take 2  I just love my dashboard hula girl, even though my wife and stepdaughter caused me to crash my minivan when they dressed her up in winter clothes without telling me. But I notice a distinct difference in the way people react to her. Sure, both sexes automatically think a lot less of me because I have her, but that's one of the reasons I have her -- I like to be inscrutable. Women just laugh, and look at me a little strange. Men also laugh, but then always tilt her back and look up her grass skirt.  It's just a metal spring, you morons!  What do you expect, anatomically-correct Samoan genitalia? Just amazing, the way you can judge people just from their reaction to a little dashboard hula girl...  
  i'm a vegetarian because i hate plants. not because i love animals.    
  My father admitted to stealing a skeleton key from the Vatican.  I laughed.  Then I went to Confession.  
  Ever had sex to Gwar music? Not exactly the biggest turn on listening to "Gor Gor, the repulsive lizerd who can lick his own dick." What are you gonna do?  
  The song is much more rewarding when you actually have ten bottles of beer on a wall.  
  It was two weeks past my due date when they finally decide to induce labor, thus thrusting me into the cold harsh world.  My fucking 21st birthday falls on Thanksgiving.  If you are a Doctor, Midwife, or pregnant.....plan for that kinda shit so this doesn't end up happening to your kid.  
  I want to take several dozen (a couple hundred?) of the best low brow moments and give them to some hollywood hack.  Surely he/she could string them together into possibly the best teen (or NC-17) movie ever made...... You know what I'm talking about SamulLbronk@witzPresents.  Move over Kentucky Fried Movie.  ....... and don't call me Shirley.  
  I just ate a lot of meat, my sperm is gonna taste bad next time I ejaculate not to mention probly have a redish tint since I ate beats.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         while checking the ladies rooms at the movie theatre i work at i found two empty cans of miller lite on the back of a toilet. apparently the concession stand doesnt offer the right refreshments for her taste.  
  A wise man says:   "He who pulleth strings get smacked by topless woman."  
  I once had a roommate/friend who was very assertive/manipulative, who was always able to give the impression that he was sane and rational, even while doing things that were insane and irrational.  For instance, I might say, "Hey, man, it's time to pay the rent," and he might answer:  "Rent?  I paid rent last month."  And he might say so with such authority that I might respond, "Oh - oh, yeah, I forgot.  Sorry."  That never happened - it's just a good analogy.  His silent philosophy of drinking was that you weren't really drinking unless you drank so much that you were extremely fucked up.  If you didn't throw up and feel totally incapacitated the next day, well, you just weren't trying.  No such thing as "having a quick beer."  He once talked me into drinking and smoking clove cigarettes until the room was spinning entertainingly, and - well, you know what happened next.  I did my best to avoid this type of situation in the future, but he was very persuasive.  Once I woke up at three in the morning, hearing a commotion in the bathroom.  He was in there with his girlfriend, coaching her as she threw up.  Sick bastard.  
  We were enjoying a round of drinks at the my favorite pub.  I leaned over the table and with a wink said, "She sure do have tig ol' bitties, ain't she?" as I winked.  My girlfriend's mother rolled her eyes.  
  I want to see that tape, you guys.  I know you--all of you--have at least one of your lowbrow moments on tape.  Please, share with us.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i would like to change my name to one or more of the following:  Slab Bulkhead Fridge Largemeat Punt Speedchunk Butch Deadlift Bold Bigflank Splint Chesthair Flint Ironstag Bolt Vanderhuge Thick McRunfast Blast Hardcheese Buff Drinklots Trunk Slamchest Fist Rockbone Stump Beefgnaw Smash Lampjaw Punch Rockgroin Buck Plankchest Stump Chunkman Dirk Hardpeck Rip Steakface Slate Slabrock Crud Bonemeal Brick Hardmeat Rip Sidecheek Punch Sideiron Gristle McThornBody Slake Fistcrunch Buff Hardback Bob Johnson Blast Thickneck Crunch Buttsteak Slab Squatthrust Lump Beefrock Touch Rustrod Reef Blastbody Big McLargeHuge Smoke Manmuscle Beat Punchbeef Pack Blowfist Roll Fizzlebeef Socrates Gorilla  he;lp?  
  If there's one thing I find particularly irritating about being a girl, it would have to be how easy I find it to 'stimulate' myself.  Sit on your heel. Squeeze your thighs together. Hold a book or a comb the wrong way. Hell, even the seam of a thick pair of jeans sat upon the right way gives a nice tingle.  It makes me feel terribly guilty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This one is particularly for the vegans who may visit this site:  In my senior seminar for Business Adminstration, we were doing a case study on Purdue Chicken.  We spent two hours in class talking about thier practices, policies, etc, and spent a good deal of time talking about the way chickens are treated, not just by Purdue, but some of the less savory practices as well.  So After reading the case study twice, writing a short paper about Purdue, and the consumption of chicken, as well as the mistreatment of chickens, topped off by a two hour class discussion about it, what choice did I  have?  I went home, grabbed my roommate, and we gorged ourselves on a bucket of fried chicken.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read a newspaper from Manila today.  It was used as packing in the new bag I bought from Kmart.         
   Literary Criticism Takes It On The Chin (but gets back up, swinging)  My copy of "Huckleberry Finn" starts with the warning Mark Twain included in the original edition, to wit:   NOTICE PERSONS attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.  BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR  Following that are about 100 pages of analysis by very educated people, long recovered from being prosecuted, banished and shot, determined to find a motive, a moral and a plot, and to tell the world about it. Anyway, dose guys don't got nuttin' on the veritable hordes of underemployed geniuses currently at work deconstructing "The Sopranos" (excerpts from a Slate article by David Kelly): "Viewers resonate with the existential dilemmas . . . so vividly showcased" every Sunday night. Indeed, "the human condition involves psychological conflict, the inevitability of strife in intimate relationships, existential loneliness and crises of meaning. These psychological struggles are writ larger than life each week on 'The Sopranos,' and we are drawn to the show because of them." Later he acknowledges that we are drawn to the show "for all sorts of reasons, including great acting, clever dialogue, gruesome violence, nude women and scenic views of New Jersey." Gabbard notes that "we psychotherapists have finally found a therapy process we can take seriously" and argues that "The Sopranos" would be "empty" without the therapy scenes. (Well, we'd still have the Bada Bing.)  Sandra M. Gilbert starts by announcing, "I'm only inditing such a piece because the editor of this volume made me an offer I couldn't refuse ...  (Geez - finally one with a sense of humour? Naaa.)  ... couldn't refuse once I realized it would give me a chance to meditate on a subject that's long troubled me: the vexing representations of 'my' people in all too many media megahits." After much soul-searching, she concludes, "If I introspect with sufficient seriousness, I'd have to admit that it's ultimately been the figure of Dr. Melfi who has reconciled me to watching long swatches of this show." Disrespecting the Bing, Barreca says that the mob stories provide "the least interesting parts of 'The Sopranos.'" It's worth watching for "the harrowing psychological recklessness, the relentless rush of emotional fireworks, the uncompromising believability and juicy precariousness of the characters' inner lives." Don't forget the scenic views of New Jersey. In "The Sopranos on the Couch," Maurice Yacowar sets out to "read" every episode. Yacowar seems to have spent a great deal of time studying "The Sopranos." Maybe too much time -- he should consider giving the DVD player a rest. This is his comment on Big Pussy's mild case of food poisoning in Season II, Episode 13: "Of course, apart from the safecracker's wind-breaking in II, 8, the only previous note of flatulence in this series was also struck by Pussy on his release in I, 11." "Fatness is a signifier with many overlapping and even contradictory signifieds." "Nearly all of Tony's 'business' relationships ... are characterized by a phallocentric, linear representation of self." "Media self-reflexivity operates throughout, as well as being embedded right into, the very form of the text. Women play an important role in foregrounding these intertextual references." And my favorite, on female bodies: "Speaking as a male viewer, I can't say that curse words are as pleasurable to hear as nudity is to see." If I introspect with sufficient seriousness, I'd have to agree.   ------------ Fellow 'Browers, let us bend our heads and pray that dese guys never discover LowBrow...  
  some genius had the following bumper stickers:  1) Semper Fi! 2) My kids peed in your pool. 3) Fish tremble at the sound of my voice.  Right. That makes sense, i went to college -- fish can't breathe pee.  
  No matter what, I'm never asked to be the designated driver.  It's good to be the known alcoholic.  
    man, i am so glad that i had the good sense to wake up and get the hell outta this town.    ...red camero, hood opened, they stand there with meaty thumbs hooked in belt loops...  i would hate to be that 33 year old guy that still hangs out at the car wash on saturday night.        
  21/01/02  ...and that, my friends, is how you make sausage.  
  Ever wonder what it would be like if your digestive system was a closed system like your cardiovascular system? We did. And we're happy to inform you that your mouth would be permanently suctioned to your anus... Think about it...  
  the council of eight determined that if mike draws blood either any one elses or his own then those not bloody would kick the living snot out of him tough crowd        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it was then, directly after placing my hand in a pile of dried cat vomit on my pillow, that i realized that i was right all along.  there is a God, and He hates me.  
  I bought an apartment in Paris. It was a pretty cool place, modern kitchen,  secure building and a most excellent cool neighborhood in the Marais. OK. Some wouldn't like it because of the Gays, but if nothing else they add diversity and an artistic twist on things. Few people, however, myself included, really do the proper due diligence and spend time around and in the place at all hours prior to signing the contract.  Who would have thought that the almost invisible and very innocuous looking boarded-up shop-front on the floor directly below was the wildest all-night gay bar in Paris, with thumpa-thumpa-music blaring until 4:00am everyday but Monday?!? Sadly, not me......   
  Once at the crack of dawn, after a sleepless night of reading Finnegan's Wake, I went for a walk.  I met James Joyce on a small footbridge over a bounding brook.  He said, "May you live till I shoot you."        
  kicking it on our porch last night, enjoying what will surely be one of the last nice days... ipod and battery speaker rocking atmosphere's new album*, half eaten large pizza hanging out, case of high life... yeah, bound to attract some neighborhood undesirables... and we do. but, dude seems non-threatening, even if can only understand half of what he spews, so we let him hang out. shares his rum with us, sells my friend a pretty nice minolta with two lenses for twenty bucks, and explains to us how gangs and thugs suck, so that's why he "only runs with hoes, midgets, and retarded people." - * i currently live in slug's (of atmosphere) old house, where he wrote the gem that is 'lucy ford.'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ah the sudden and complete awareness of your own impeding and ultimate doom cheers         
  I met Tony Danza at the airport in Houston, Texas. He had the whole airport running after him, because he had taken a one of their carts full of people.  He asked me if I wanted to join in.  At the time I had no idea who this nut was.  He said, it's me Tony Danza.  I still didn't know who he was until my girlfriend who worked there got off and told me about the movie star who had the place all upset.  Tony Danza, I asked. Then it hit me who he was.  I must of really upset him since we are both Italian and he's a star. J.A.C.      
  my last party of the summer, so being the smart person i am, i decide to get loaded. and i mean smashed. threw up my brains, all over this guys bathroom. once i got that out of my system, i see an exboyfriend of mine that was standing nearby. i really wanted him back, so immediatly after cleaning myself (everyone had watched me throw up) i did what anyone would do in that situation.  i went over and kissed him, square on the mouth.  i kinda ruined that chance.  
   LowBrow Trade Wars  One time, our main Japanese competitors tried to really take us on in the American market. Up until then, we'd mostly had a nice truce with them, selling only our high-end stuff that they couldn't match in Japan, while they sold only their bargain-basement model over here. But hey - all's fair in love and war, right? We changed our advertising campaign to Infiniti-style*. We took out a whole series of full-page ads in the trade papers, showing nothing but a pair of chopsticks trying to hold onto some rice, and a fork holding, well, a forkful of rice. Our caption was: "Pick the right tool for the job." If you looked  really  closely, you could just make out our company name stamped on the fork, and their name on the chopsticks. Then we moved in on their Japanese market with our main line of machines. The same ad tested well over there(!), so we used it. They screamed unfair. They screamed even louder when we took away half of their business. -------- *When Infiniti first prepared to launch their cars in the U.S., they ran months of ads that never showed the actual cars, just quiet, tree-lined coastal roads and so on.  
  My mom was with them and she was buying them beer. I never went back to the frat house...  
  With a twisted sort of sympathy, teetering on the verge of laughter, she said, "The good news is that you do not have genital warts." Relieved but confused, she continued, "the bad news is that you have a huge zit on your penis!"  
  one time, when i was on the phone with my girl, i got a little half-stock thing goin on.  so i thought 'what the hell?' and proceeded to work one out while she was tellin me about her day.  i didnt think shed notice, but sure enough, she did.  i guess i was not noticing how loud i was being as i was closer to coming, and she was all intriged..."what are you doing...?"  "nothing....." and i figured 'shit, thats me fucked.  time to get yelled at..' but instead of being pissed, she starts moaning and talking dirty to me.  now we have phone sex 5 or 6 nights a week.  i guess long distance relationships arent  all  bad...  
  I knew a pregnant girl that would come over to fuck when ever she got horny, which was close to daily. She was getting pretty big in the 7th or 8th month and we wound up only being able to fuck doggy style. One day I was fucking her and looked down to watch my dick plunger in and out and noticed that my dick was coated with a thick white creamy substance. It did not stink or anything, so I kept at it. I remember thinking to myself, though "God, the things I do just to cum".  
  ever burp, cough, and sneeze at the same time? i didn't even know it was possible.  
  our composition class assignment was to record a 30 second commercial, for radio, the only requirments being it had to be exactly 30 seconds,and no swearing. our idea was for a new laxitive. the commercial would be a guy eating, then a chair being pushed, running, a door slam, then shitting noises. our product would be called "lazer-lax" and the tag line "finally, something faster than the speed of light."  
  and that's when I thought to myself:  "there's no reason that should smell like pussy."  
  It was only ten blocks or so from our friend's house to ours, but I was still concerned about my brother's lack of sobriety.  "Don't worry.  I'm okay," he insisted, lighting a smoke.  Sitting in the car with him waiting for the others to come, I smelt burning plastic.  He had lit the wrong end of his Parliament.  
  Some shit in life you just don't want to know.  Case in point, the other night at work (I wait tables at a local resturant franchise) I'm doing my work when I hear a conversation that piques my curiosity.    Behind me I hear...  Him: "Honey, you know I love you for you and only you."  Her: "Yes, but sometimes it seems that you're not in it for love.  Like you're just using me for my body."  So I chuckle to myself, laughing at the sheer ignorance of certain people (booths aren't soundproofed, just so ya know).  So I turn to see the couple in question.  At the only table occupied I see a woman who must be no less than 600lbs and her skinny-assed, pasty-faced, buzz-cut boyfriend.  I left the room as soon as I could.  
  Well, I got my rejection letter from the University of Notre Dame today. I really didn't care that much, I wasn't planning on going anyway.  But my dad comes home with a poster today. Gold background with blue letters painted on it. 'Play Like a Champion Today' It says.  Oh, the irony.  Oh, the irony is fucking killing me.  
  Tonight I was playing around on AOL and found a chat room ever so eloquently titled, "I am ugly."  First thing someone types is "I'm so ugly, I'm going to burn my face off."  Then someone says, "Ever seen two eyes that don't line up, well that's my face."  Stuck it on my favorites list...just in case I ever need a pick me up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         [my fecal contribution]  friendly advice: keep a nice bottle of baby powder [cornstarch is the best] on hand.  i dont care how old you are, or how cool you are - remember kids, diaper rash strikes without discrimination.  matter of fact, it's currently ruining my day.  
  It was 2.30am in Atlanta during a Grateful Dead weekend.  My girl and I were sitting with a stripper we had met at the Pink Pony nude club next door.  Someone ordered grits.  "Yoo-hoo! I need another plate of critters, pronto!" chorused the flamboyantly gay waiter.   "I hope my boyfriend doesn't find out I came here with you," the stripper said. "He'll think I fucked you."  "You did," came the reply.  A group of Deadheads sat down at the dirty table next to us and hungrily ate what remained on the previous occupants' plates. One even licked up the bacon grease.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Pulling into the snobby european sports car dealership, I find myself following a battered rusty pickup driven by a grisly dirtbag with greasy hair and sizeable gaps in his brown teeth.   Bumpersticker on the truck: "I'm just looking for a nice girl who doesn't mind wiping up vomit."  Shoulda seen the looks he was getting from the yuppie vermin. I decided if there was trouble, I was on his side.  
  Would'nt it be really cool if there was an afterlife?  Jesus and St. Peter welcoming you to heaven and the devil making the evil suffer forever.   Instead I fear there is nothingness.  Of course, none of this will matter after the sun grows to swallow the earth.  Then we will all be some gas and debris in the cosmic backwaters.        
  My daughter asked me what a *cunt* was the other day (after hearing me call my S/A that..oops). After I told her, I said she really shouldn't call ppl that as it is considered a swear word and is frowned upon by the general public. I really don't know why though. I have a favourite name for ppl who piss me off. I call them Cow Cunts (tm morty). To me this is the worst of the worst as far as nasty names go, but WHY this would be so is really all to do with how that ONE word has been used. I mean how innocent and benign is a cow? If it weren't used in a demeaning nasty way, being called a *cow* would be a GOOD thing! 'she is such a cow = she is so calm and content and has multiple stomachs' And the *cunt* word..it's another word for a cute fuzzy precious part of the female body. How lovely is a hairy little vulva resting like a snuggly kitten in the palm of your hand? I have no problem with MY sweet lil pudendum being called a cunt if it was said in the right tone of voice and in the right context. I think it is the evil MALE CARTEL that has turned that word *cunt* into something nasty, to be used in a degrading unfriendly way. I think that if we all started to toss the word around with kindness, playfulness and glee, that we make it into the warm dainty wholesome word that it was meant to be.  -- Morticia~ just one cunt's opinion.. http://www.geocities.com/morty_baby/  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do the rest of you have problems with really large turds?    I sure do.  Usually mine are about a foot or so long, perfectly straight, and very dense.  They are also very clean.  I usually only need a piece of toilet paper to check - it comes back as clean as it was on the roll.  But I have one little problem.  Any toilet that is not one of the monster commercial toilets cannot break my turd up into puny toilet-digestable pieces.  Frequently regular toilets back up or never flush properly.  I think this has something to do with the government mandating that the toilet should flush with less liquid than I can piss.    I hate the government.  They won't let me put a real toilet in my new apartment.  So, I shit at work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         self absorbed i rode my bike as fast as i could to get to the bank before it closed the atm ate my card and i needed cash getting up before a bank closes on the weekends was particularly tough for me at this time i turned the corner at full bore and hopped the front tire at the last second for a rather drunken bum lie across the width of the sidewalk \the backtire did however bounce off his outstretched arm i cringed knowing i broke a bums arm i sat him up and checked his arm his breath coulda made a train take a dirt road he muttered a bunch of shit at me yanked his arm away and swore i would have too i apologized again and began to leave him he asked for money i couldnt even pay him cos i was trying to get to the bank before it oh fuck i rode across the parking lot and got to the doors as the rather snooty teller twisted the lock  best go to a bar where i can get a tab until tomorrow cos this days already shot        
   Da Froindliest City On Earth  Back in Da City after far too long away, I take the shuttle to JFK airport. I sit up front with the driver and a few passengers, and we have fun with the morons driving. Driver uses his 44' bus to block a couple of extra-stupid ones, and we all cheer. I don't know where NYC gets it's nasty reputation from -- it's actually the friendliest city on Earth. Guy: "Aren't you worried about flying these days?" Me: "Not really, but you can bet I'm going to be doing some racial profiling when I look at the passengers." Guy, alarmed, shushes me, looking over my shoulder. I turn around. Two bearded, be-turbaned guys are looking at me just a little strange. I bow my head to each of them in turn: "Salaam, Mr. Singh. Salaam, Mr. Singh." They bow in return, and smile just a little. Guy, gobsmacked: "You  know  those guys?" Driver cracks up: "Don't say a word!" I wasn't about to. If the guy can't tell a Muslim from a Sikh, it's not my problem. If he doesn't know they all share the same surname, it's not my problem...   
  The wife and i like to sneak beer into the movie theater.    Makes her feel naughty, so she thinks its fun.  I just figure its better than trying to sneak booze in past the movie people AND the wife  
  A truck from some local church stopped me as I was walking home and asked if I knew where so-and-so lived, that they had a pick-up to make.  I'd never heard of the people, but I helpfully directed them over to the Ghetto Assholes' house, where they loaded up all the furniture they liked to decorate their front yard and porch with.  Hope you were done with the grill, jerk.   
   I saw a cheesecake in the fridge and then it hit me. In the diner seeing Romina putting olive oil on feta cheese.  "Mina eats lubricated cheese."         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last year, a buddy of mine got a kitten (I don't know where from--probably a neighborhood "free kitten"). Two days later it went into a coma. $2500 worth of surgery later, the cat dies anyway. They "owned" the cat for less than a week total. It didn't even have a name.  So now our big thing to hassle him about goes something like this:  "So you could have a Caribbean cruise or a dead cat."  "So you could have a new deck, complete with grille, or a dead cat."  "You could see "Lord of the Rings" 300 times or have a dead cat."  Hours of pure fun, I tell you.  
  We were at a party at my friend's house, a few days before her birthday. My boyfriend decided that a nice present would be to let her smoke the last little bit of our weed, since I'm not allowed to smoke anymore for a while (I'm trying to get a job and don't want to worry about drug tests) and he therefore can't smoke around me.   We went out to the car to get it. I can't quite recall the exact events that led to it (did I mention I was drunk?), but we ended up fucking, pants around our ankles, leaning against the hood of my car, in the middle of the well-lit, well-manicured street in suburban Long Island.  Back inside at the party, I had to be physically restrained from grabbing the weed and smoking some after begging to be just allowed to smell it. I tried to bite my friend as he held me back.   the next morning as we're leaving, my boyfriend points out the used condom he left on the street. Luckily my friend didn't notice it as we got in the car to drive him home.   
  the first girl who humped me was the current squeeze of a giant metal-head speed freak who wanted to kill me for it, but never did anything. via word-of-mouth, i heard i was about as pleasurable as tampon insertion... but my stamina was impressive. my friends said "yeah, it's like waving a broomstick around in a swimming pool... once in a while it'll hit the side..." in retrospect, it's a really aggravating scenario, but i figured then, as i do still, it was best to lose my virginity to a slut who didn't mean a damn thing to me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Toward the end of a long night of frat-party hopping, I was in the advanced stages of inebriation.  As my bladder was starting to require more and more frequent evacuations, I sat my beer down in (what I thought was) an inconspicuous location so I could retrieve it when I came back from the bathroom.  When I returned, I recognized this beautiful girl from my psychology class and started chatting with her.  Meanwhile, someone had placed several more empty and half-empty bottles where I left my beer, and trying not to look like some dumb drunk fuck, I cooly grabbed the bottle I thought was mine.  During a brief pause in our ensuing conversation I took a big swig from the bottle.  That's when I realised someone had been using it as an ashtray.    Dating tip:  spitting a mixture of beer, cigarette ashes and butts over a girl you're trying to pick up tends NOT to make a good first impression.  The following Monday I dropped the class and took a philosophy course as my elective instead.  
  i fucking never get promoted.  damn office politics.  or maybe it's all the times I fart, thinking no one will come near, then someone comes over to ask me a question.  the look on their face makes me smile.   
  I fell in love while listening her berate a hapless Syrian refugee physician-turned-pizza-guy about his alcoholism, fatalism, and whining disposition.  She seemed so goddamned cool.  Coffee never tasted better.    Four weeks later I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  I should have known that the vitriol was not reserved for anti-Arabist skidrow bums alone...  
  Okay, this was something nobody ever thinks they'll ever see, but I did. I was walking into the bathroom at my local Marathon station. Now, what you have to understand first is that they janitors there had a big problem with some guy that kept shitting in the sink in the men's bathroom. I walk into the bathroom, and what do I see? Some fat ass bald guy with a stained white dress shirt, pants around his ankles, sitting on the fucking sink, SHITTING. I walked in on this guy, and he gave me the creepiest fucking look ever, and winked at me. I ran screaming from the bathroom, from the entire gas station, got in my car, drove off, forgetting to pay for the pack of Black and Milds I stuck in my pocket, and never, ever, went back to that gas station again.  ever.  
  Sitting waiting for the airplane is always the worst part of travel. Not to mention the people in the lobby. The woman next to me smells of cheap perfume, and a little bit of beer. I put down my magazine to hold my seat while I get up to get a soda, and she asks me, "hey, I'm gonna read your magazine if you're done with it."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  the conversation revolved around brain damage, for some reason... she paused... looked up at me through alcohol-hazed eyes... "would you love me if i was still retarded?" i knew then that yes, i would.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my brother tied a port-a-john to the back of his jeep with rope when he was blitzed, proceeded to drag the shitbox for two blocks or so.  He then didn't want to play anymore...so what did he do?  Did he untie the rope and leave?  Oh no, he drove it back to the park across the street, and burned the rope in the middle.  In the middle.  Needless to say, even cops can figure out that one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you're driving much too fast down a narrow side street...  If you see kids of a drawing class sitting on the sides of the street...  and you don't slow down, just honk and speed up...  then when that last kid flips out his pocket knife and, unknown to you, scrapes it along the side of your car as you pass,  maybe you deserved it.  
  until you have experienced it you can't even imagine the feeling you get from punching someone in the face. the almost nauseating feeling as your fist distorts the skin as it makes it's way to bone; the sickening, dull thud once you hit the cheek or jawbone; the slight moan as he falls backward towards the ground.  It's a beautiful and wonderful experience.  
  THE MOMENT READ: " Is it wrong to steal the batteries out of your little brothers toys when your vibrator stops working?   - jenknee88@hotmail.com "  And instead of sending such question as a conversation starter to a male friend over MSN, I accidentaly sent it to an innocent and somewhat distant female classmate.  School might be interesting tomorrow.     
  The human body is incredibly resiliant. I discovered this firsthand when I was 16 after the cucumber I was practicing deep throating on broke in half while it was in my throat and I had to swallow a 4 inch chunk of cucumber or die. I lived, but my mom demanded to know what had happened to the cucumber she was saving for the salad. To this day I hate vegetables, but my mother believes her darling son can't get enough of them  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other week I passed up an S&M themed event to sit around and play board games with a few friends.  I had a great time.  I didn't go to a Halloween party this year.  At the last party I went to, people served wine and cheese and listened to French popular music from the first half of the twentieth century.  What the hell is happening to me?  
   "His tender pickle whipped my ass."  "Pinch me moist boner."  "Raw and fast is the way it goes."  Taken from a really bad erotic story?  Overheard while having rough sex?  Nope, another weekend playing with Magnetic Poetry.  
  I never score as low on purity tests as I should. They never ask the right questions. Like, "Have youu ever been in a four-way lesbian French kiss with a dominatrix nun?"  It was insane. It was at a convention, and I and a group of friends ran across this woman in a vinyl nun outfit. The guuys in the group were drooling, but she went after the girls. She grabbed Raven and accosted her, and then she grabbed me by the bra straps and started French kissing me, and then she pulled Abie into it.   It was painful and scary.  I don't like nuns.  
  ah drunken boys... c- i have a 2-pie dick. me- a what? c- a 2 *pi* dick, it's 2 times 3.1415...." me- oh... s- hah! i have you beat by over an inch! a- up high for the big man! c- what the hell? s- i know cause i fuckin' measured it! me- *blink*  
  My freshman year of high school, on weekend nights when my best friend and I would sleep over at one of our respective houses, we would make the 15 minute walk to blockbuster at around 11pm to get a movie.  We would take one of those 'soft porn' movies, take it out of its box and swap it with a comedy, such as 'Funny Farm', then put the 'soft porn' movie back in its place with 'Funny Farm' in the case.  Then we'd pray like hell that the person at checkout didn't open up the box to check out the movie, or that they simply wouldn't notice.    Months of planning.  Flawless execution.  It was the perfect crime.  
  so im giving this guy some stellar head, and hes about to lose it. being that this was the first time hed recieved a blowjob from me, he was trying to be all polite when it came to the moment of truth. he pulled out and let go.... only to let out a groan of DISpleasure ( " AWWW... DUDE!!!"): yes, ladies and gentlement, he had given himself the "money shot". hey, at least he missed his open mouth... thats all i gotta say.  
  Just read a 'brow about holding pee. I have a personal record and I would be curious as to whether anyone has beaten it.  Two years ago I did this thingy called the Duke of Edinburugh Award. For those of you who don't know, it involves doing community service and shit, and also attending two survival camps. Now, when we embarked on the second one of these, I had only been camping twice before, and the experiences I had with peeing in the wilderness weren't something I wished to repeat (I'm female, so it's tricky). So I figure, what the hell, I can hold it.   This camp was five days long.  I barely ate anything, so there weren't any shit issues, but it was the middle of summer, and (as recommended) we were drinking a minimum of two litres of water per day.  People knew of my plan to not pee. They laughed. I watched my friends trundle into the bushes armed with toilet paper time after time. I held as I had never held before. I was getting stomach cramps. Still I held. It started raining, water dripping everywhere. I nearly cried, but still I held. After five days, I was still holding, and the bus pulled into Maccas. I raced for the toilet.   I peed for seven minutes straight.  It was the greatest thing ever.  I can't even decide what the most lowbrow thing about this is, but I think it's that holding for five days is one of the biggest achievements of my life.  
  Recently went to buy a used car.  Toyota Sienna Van.  Salesman and I were fighting over the price for about an hour.    I couldn't believe that he used the "let me go try yo talk my manager into this...he just might go for it..." shtick.   He was gone for about 20 minutes.  I had to use the crapper.  So I quietly walked in on him and his "manager" standing in the handi-crapper stall laughing about last nights run-in with one of their mistresses at a flea market.    He wasn't too excited to walk out and see me standing there pissing.   
  waiting for the bus, i watched a woman shuffle up to the stop, drop her sweatpants, and gleefully, toothlessly, unabashedly cover the bench with piss   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  You bitch! Linda Bean will get you for this!    >There's a famous outdoor clothing >company a couple hours from me >that has an extremely liberal return >policy -stuff is basically guaranteed >for life. If you find something at a yard >sale or the Sally that has their label >in it, then *cash register sound*.   >The other day I brought 2 pairs of >jeans up to the counter (I paid 3 >bucks). I told her they rode up on me >funny and were too tight at the ankle. >She gave me a queer look and >walked off with them. 5 minutes later >the manager came over to ask me if >I'd known they were women's jeans. >"Gosh, that explains it..." He gave me >60 bucks.   >I feel like a dairy farmer.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've been around for a while. Been divorced for 12 years. I stopped looking for "the love of my life" a long time ago.  I know many long-term marriage people and as of yet, I have not seen the truly contented couple. Seems to me that women pay so much...  just to have a man.  
  it's not sad that every man has his price.  it's sad how low most of them are.  
  There is this guy who owns a Vietnamese restaurant that I used to frequent in London.  He is French. Grew up and lived in Vietnam before the war. It must have seriously affected him. The restaurant is trendy and popular. Because he is a world-class drinks-maker. Won several global awards, in fact But he is a sick and twisted sadistic soul. He weaves, composes, infuses many measures of different spirits into these Stanley-Cup-sized cocktails such that they taste superb and one cannot detect the actual quantities of alcohol in the mixture. Within an hour of sitting down, young pretty girls, and idiotic stockbrokers and financial types are falling off of their chairs, not knowing what hit them. And Marc just stands behind the bar, emotionless, expressionless. Occasionally, I detect a slight wry smile escape from the edge of his lips whenever someone capsizes.   
  While at Crossroads Mall in Salt Lake City, Utah I see a young boy waiting outside of a store while his mother shops inside.   He's standing next to a 20-Something man dressed all in black leather, tatoos, peircings...the works. When Suddenly, the mother comes out of the store, grabs her son and runs off in a huff, giving the 20-soemthing lad a look of sheer terror.  The best part? The leather clad lad wore a t-shirt that said; "I EAT UNATTENDED CHILDREN."  
  Have you ever noticed that while playing Trivial Pursuit (the new edition) all of the answers are:  Ben Stiller Joan Baez The Sopranos Michael Jackson Madonna  It's depressing that those are the only things the game industry can highlight in the past 20 years.  
  Because my mom was handicapped, my family would sometimes get free stuff for her in the mail. When I was a kid a big box came in the mail. It was a tape deck, meant for playing Books On Tape, made out of that hard thick plastic they make Big Wheel tricycles out of. What made it unique was a slider on the front that let you slow or speed the tape while it was playing. I don't know what the fuck the practical purpose of the knob was, other than to slow the tape down for retarded people, but it made the tape deck IMMENSELY DESIRABLE.  I begged my dad to let me have it. He not only said no, but that we had to return it because Mom didn't really need it and there were more severely handicapped people out there who did.  Fuck them, I thought, as disappointment overwhelmed me. I wanted to hear Def Leppard at half speed.  
  Have you ever been so lazy that you don't even want to focus your eyes on something? I was completly awake for the whole hour in my math class today(a miracle) and looking at the chalkboard the whole time. Yet I learned nothing simply because i was to lazy to focus my eyes on what the teacher was writing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Back in high school, I dated this girl for about 2 years.  We were both in the band and the theatre.  So on opening night she decides to give me a blowjob backstage.  During this time the director comes backstage and checks on the lighting system.  He sees us, grins and gives me a thumbs-up. I wave.  9-02-2003  
  the bogan dude with the same name as me who always props up the bar of the Parky Tavern stole an endangered turtle from the zoo.  Two days later they'd tracked the chip implanted in its shell to his house, he was so busted, the fuckwit.  My friends who heard it on the news thought it was me.    
  He waved his long, skinny arms in a sweeping gesture.  "I'm the only one in this band with any fashion sense!" he said loudly.  I looked down at his metallic forest green vinyl shoes, and agreed.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  oh the makeout queen - 3 hours of snogging!! wait till you have had a long distance relationship and that one weekend every 6 weeks you spend 36 of the 48 hours naked and fucking, not eating, cat-napping, and getting more and more gentle and slower and slower as the soft tissue damage accumulates and you have trouble walking to the bathroom because your legs are rubbery from exhaustion and lack of food.  
  about6 years ago i asked my cousin what the "R.C." in R.C. cola stood for she said "Really Cheap Cola" I didn't find out that that wasn't true until afew minutes later.         
  someone is licking my asshole as I type this.  Seriously.   
  I watched as he walked out in front of her, letting the door drop closed almost into her face before catching it quickly in a frantic lunge upon  remembering that they were ln fact walking together...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  What the hell? Maybe people wouldn't be so uptight if they just took the time to enjoy a little anal sex.  Think about it.  
  I just heard that dolphins are the only other animal that has recriational sex.  If this is true, do dolphins have foreplay?  
  I cant believe who dumb some people are. I work in a card shop. Here are some of the questions i get asked along with my responses:  DumbassNo1: "Will the calenders be reduced after xmas?"  Me: "No, we are putting them back for next year"  DumbassNo2: "Excuse me, do you work here?"  Me: (Answer No1) "No, im just making a fashion statement" (Answer No2): "No, i have to get back to the hospital. Where are myn pills. Monkey...MONKEEEEEY"  DumbassNo3: Where are your valentines cards?  Me: Valentines has been cancelled this year.  And these people are just like "oh, right, thanks"  Hell makes my shite job more interesting. Dumbass'es, I salute you...   
  The best thing about being known as a ruthless pranker is that your friends don't dare ask you to babysit, help them move, or borrow anything. They never know what you'll teach the kid to say, put in the moving boxes when they aren't looking, or how boobytrapped the borrowed item is.  Independence learned the hard way.   
  My grandpa use to take us on hey rides when he was alive.  Our hey rides on there rather small farm were fun to me at that time.  But they were nothing more than a bunch of little kids in a wagon that was being pulled be a tractor, there was no hay.  One day I wasn t feeling so well, but I didn t want to tell my grandma that because then she wouldn t make me a milkshake and she would have made me go lay down and take a nap or something like that.  So I kept it to myself thinking it was that kind of sick that comes and goes.  But anyway, my Grandma made me a milkshake and then my grandpa took us on a hayride.  When I got off the bumpy hay ride I felt nauseated and I thought I had to poop, but it turns out that I didn t and I ended up vomiting out a frothy milkshake from earlier that day.  I was about six or seven at the time and I got really embarrassed that I threw up all over that bathroom floor so I decided not to tell my grandma and I tried to clean it up myself.  I took the dark brown towel that had these differently stitched vertical lines on it, off the towel rack and cleaned it all up.  But I didn t know what to do with it so I rinsed it out in the bathtub, and I casually hung the towel that linger of a vomit smell back on the towel rack in my feeble attempt of cleaning it up.  I hung the vomit side in hope of nobody noticing.  Now I thought I was good to go after that and that no one would notice.  I don t remember the after effects of what I did, I do remember that my grandma found out but I don t remember if my grandma was mad or not, but what I do remember perfectly are stupid specifics like the color and design of the towel.    
  When we first started dating, I went with my (now ex) girlfriend to her grandmother's house.  The old woman seemed really nice when she greeted me at the door.  I walk in and it turns out she is one of those fucking batshit crazy ladies who has like 100 fucking cats-- each with it's own litterbox, of course-- packed into her shitdump of a house.  This place was so nasty, the cats are lounging around everywhere, figthing and fucking eachother nonstop.  It was like some kind of bizarro island where cats rule supreme and human slaves feed them and clean their boxes and pet them whenever they want.  A fucking decadent cat paradise.  That should have been my first clue that my girlfriend may have had some, uh, problems...  Masturbation may not make you blind, but blowjobs do.  
  It was May.  A time of beautiful spring days down here in good old South Carolina.  Normally when I wake up there are birds singing and happy happy sunshine coming through the window. I woke up one day and my room was dark even though it was already approaching ten.  My bleary eyed and messy haired self sat half-way up in bed and said "Where the fuck did the sunshine go?" I decided it was a good day to stay in bed.  
  He just kept calling.  Over and over again.  I mean...he wasn't the choice booty call for the evening.  The other guy was on his way over.  What was I supposed to do?    I just didn't answer the phone.  But tomorrow I'm going to have to think of a really good story to get myself out of this one and keep both booty calls.   The sad part is, I actually thought, "I bet this has happened to someone on lowbrow before."  I should really be looking for advice somewhere else.  
  "Guess my name," he said.  "Ricky?  Rhonda?  Roger?  William!  John!Sally!" she guessed.  He left her a dollar for playing along.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  We were going to the (local) amusement park.  My mom was driving, and I was about 12.  We were all joking about saying something mean to the parking attendant.  Me, my two brothers (both older) and my mom.  After paying for parking, the attendant says "Enjoy your day at Canada's Wonderland!"  To which my mom replies nastily "Don't tell me what to do with my day!!!"  I guess raising 3 boys on your own can warp a woman's sense of humor...  
  one time i had the piss shivers while standing at urinal in a crowded airport bathroom  my body convulsed so hard that i laterally sprayed pee on both of guys standing on either side   got it all over their pants legs  they didnt even notice...  all they knew was some wierdo next to them shook uncontrollably and then broke in hysterical laughter  
  My friends all think this is really funny, but they are all horrible people.  My first real girlfriend, my first love, and my first fuck. We date for about 5 months and then break up because she was sort of planning on marrying this other dude, who lived far away, the whole time, of which I was aware from the start. It was supposed to be more of a short term thing. Anyway, apparently the dude turned into a huge asshole, and she came back to me. By this time, I had begun to be attracted to this other girl, but I didn't mention that to my ex until after we had a make-up fuck. That's the first part my friends find so funny. Anyway, so I go out with the other girl for a few weeks, but it doesn't work out and I end up with the first girl again. We're together a few weeks again when I find out she gave one of my friends a bj. So she comes over to talk about it but instead we start getting naked and while I'm fingering her, I go "I think we should break up." That's the second part my friends think is so funny.  Ah, hell, it  is  funny.  
   My friend is in hospital - his left lung colapsed.  He's very sick.  So why did I think it was funny to tell him to "breathe to the right for a while?"       
  my "dear" friend misty went to paris for a weekend this summer.  she thought it would be a good idea to try and speak french to the native parisians.  she wanted to ask her waitress at a little cafe if she spoke english.  but, unfortunately the words that came out of her mouth were "parlez vous ingles?"  a haphazard mix of french and spanish that sounds like "do you speak ice cream?" to the french.  
  I won the court case - someone tried to stiff me on a hard earned commission of almost 8 grand - I don't mind playing hardball in fact I like it and its not the money - its the principle and the fact that he tried to drag my good name through the mud.  I donated the money to the animal rescue leauge in his name - he received a letter of thanks for his 'generous' donation and every year gets solicitors asking for more money and a monthly newsletter - all this to remind him of what an asshole he is (one of the first things he told me when I met him was how much he hated pets). Take that you stupid FUCK.  
  so today i was playing that dumb game rattler race or whatever on my computer and my cat was sitting there watching intensely.  he starts licking his mouth and then goes in for the kill biting at the computer screen, he left a little wet nose print and jumped down out of surprise that there was a "wall" there he hadnt intended on.  its fun to make kittys do dumb things hehe  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She was across the dance floor. Dry humping guy #5  (lucky son of a bitch)  to the beat of the thong song.  I carefully manuevered over and sat against the wall facing her. Watching her amazingly hornifying ministrations for about five minutes.  Damn,  thought I, in a thick haze of hormones and the mire of unrequited teenage love,  what a fucking hot ass she's got.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Having 10 beers and making out with an ugly girl at 3 in the morning:  Lowbrow  Having to leave church to vomit while still drunk the next morning: Irish  
  I've taken masturbation techniques from lowbrow.  Specifically, socks.  Never tried it before.  Kinda nice.  Plus, you don't have to clean up afterwards.  
  I used to work as a beach lifeguard.  On foggy days it was often too cold get up and piss in the water (and on other days I was too fuckin' lazy to drag my ass out of the tower), so I'd piss in bottles - Gatoraide usually - put the cap back on and then throw it away at the end of the day.  Or leave for the person who worked that beach the next day.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just got done getting a cup of coffee. My mom doesnt really have any knowledge of coffee, so she figures coffee is coffee and buys whatever is cheapest.  I was looking at the label and noticed it said, in large bold letter's "100% coffee".  Im wondering if this company used to make coffee that wasnt 100% coffee. Maybe lots of people knew it wasnt all coffee, so now they are advertising it likes its new and improved or something. Man, the things that go through your head when you diddnt sleep the previous night.  
  It was my first year of University.  I lived in residence, on a co-ed floor.  The way the building is designed, two adjacent rooms share one bathroom between them.  Obviously, same-sex "can-mates" was the rule.  It was my birthday, and I was right proper fucked up.  The way you can only get when you turn old enough to drink and you live in residence.  I finished fucking my gf (who lived 2 doors away), and passed out.  A little later, I woke up confused, drunk, and needing to pee.  Entered the bathroom, did my business, then went back to the room and passed out.  I have vague recollections of the girls who lived in the room between mine and my gf's trying to wake me up.  I had passed out, naked, on top of one of their beds.  The best part was that no one was surprised I was naked.  (By the end of that year, over a dozen people who lived on my floor had seen me naked).  
  My sister, an internet addict, destroyed my Dreamcast console in a pathetic attempt to retrieve the modem cable from me to use on her beat up POS IBM thinkpad.  She's 35, works in a bridal store downtown, and says she is marrying a Mexican wrestler in december.  I have yet to find out HOW THE FUCK all these notions are connected, but for the time being, I just want my money.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               so months had gone by and the the power went off a few times and the evil odor that emanated from the fridge signaled it was time for its first cleaning i drew shortest straw scouring with ammonia and then bleach i had piled the things to discard on the kitchen table rooster entered and opened the egg carton i warned him but he was hungry   ummo eet dat egg was all he could say   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She opens a fourth bag of candy & trinkets, pouring it into the large donkey pinata. "El Burro Grande."  me: "Don't fill it too much or it'll be too heavy."  her: "Yeah. yeah."  Later that day the head of the burro is dangling from the ceiling while the body lies, completely intact, on the floor.  Um, Mirada... I think your pinata is too heavy.  
  I'd kicked off my shoes for comfort, and  walked into the bathroom at the party.     Should have known better and left my shoes on - my socks were instantly drenched.  I looked down at puddles of liquid.  `Who pissed on the floor?' I enquired later, after having removed the socks and washed my feet.  `Oh yeah, that was us, we were having a piss fight'  `Want to clean it up?'  `Why bother, you're at a party full of drunk males'  `Yeah, and you're the only ones who have missed so far.'  They seemed unrepentant.  I formulated a revenge plan, then went to bed instead.  
  There is a guy that lives on my block here in Chicago who sports the $2000 car stereo and alarm system in the $500 Hyundai Sonata.  He has three bumper stickers on the car.   1) Bad Cop. No Donut. 2) Don't Drive Drunk. You might spill your Drink.  3) Gas, Grass or Ass, no one rides for free.  I always see at least 3 parking tickets on this car depsite its perfectly legal position in the parking spot. At $50 a pop, I know that I have seen well over 200 of these things over the last 5 years taped to his windshield.  I can only wonder.   
  i'm not broke anymore, but i'm not allowed to cash in my empty bottles until 10:30   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  A friend of my girlfreind liked to dress as a gothic-style punk. She had a bright red mohawk, wore ripped fishnet stalkings, a spiked leather sleeveless jacket, and a slayer shirt everywhere. Once, at the mall, she caught me staring at her from across the radio shack, and said, "What are you looking at?"   I said, "Why do you dress like that?"  "Because I don't want to conform to your 'normal' dress style. I'm different. Why, are you discriminating against me because I don't conform?"   "No, I just think you look silly."   Needless to say, the conversation ended there, and my reply lives on in the annals of blue jeaned white guy history.  
  don't you hate it when your friend is over and she asks you to download an mp3 for her, and you open kazaa only to realize too late that the last ten things you downloaded were hardcore gay porn?  locker room fuck.mpg big teen cocks.jpg male orgy.mpg GAY blowjob 06.mpeg Army(1).mpg naked_walmart.jpg  
  A NYT article today notes that, in an effort to get kids to eat healthy foods, a company has started marketing chicken patties in the shape of PowerPuff Girls. So it's come to this: We're teaching 5 year-olds that it's really good and healthy for you to eat girls. So when do we get around to teaching them that it's just as good for the girls, too?   
  my friend's mom is a big pothead and has been for years. we've found her bong all over the house right out in the open. apparently she's always done this. my friend recalls being about five and spilling the bong water. a big no no.  
  Jeffrey Jones and Paul Reubens, both busted for sexually misbehaviour concerning the underaged. Principal Rooney and Pee Wee.  If they happen to be cellmates, wonder who gets to be bitch?  
  A pint of ale?  Who talks like that?  Maybe next time he'll order a horn of mead.  As for me, I'll take a beer.  
  one of my friends had something of a porn mag library.  the other guys would go over to his place take the top one from the pile and be sure to return it in exchange for another on their next visit.  "fuck... i've already seen this one" meant that the pile had been fully rotated.  through 5 guys.    
  As for the future of photo-realistic CGI humans; the only creatively logical purpose I could see for it is to make celebrity hard-core porn movies. Ever want to see a Hollywood orgy from the 1950's? Now you can!  
    Four year old: I need to potty.  me: Okay, I'll take you.  But we need to hurry, okay?  (ten minutes later)  Four Year Old: Okay, I'm done pooping.  Come wipe me.  Me: Okay, hang on.  (takes deep breath, doesn't look in toilet, just flushes)  Turn around.  Four year old: Oh wait, poop is still coming out.   Me: (almost barfing on my girlfriends four year old son) Oh man! Just tell me when you're done okay? (eyes watering from gag reflex)  {ten minutes later}  Four year old: Okay I'm done for real.  No more poop is coming out.  Me: Great.  Here I come.  This better make me a Real Man.       
  Stopping at a wafflehouse, severely inebriated, I placed our to go order and sat down at the bar next to an attractive looking couple. The waitress det down their food and I noticed the guy was about to pour sugar on his grits. You're obviously not from the south I said as I slid his plate in front of me and proceed to fix his grits.  Naturally I tasted them to make sure there was enough salt and butter. They were fairly tasty so I kept eating them.  The whole time he and I are carrying on a friendly banter under the dirty scowls of the chick beside him. Well after I finished his grits I ate his eggs, bacon, toast, and whatever else was on his plate; just chit chatting along.  I topped it off with a swig of his coffe. About that time my friend tapped me on the shoulder to go. As I got up to leave he leaned over and asked me if he could take me out to dinner sometime.  To which I replied you just did honey and walked out the door, order in hand. I sometimes feel a bit bad about that.   
  We went to a strip club for my best friends bachelor party. She wanted to see male strippers. They were funny if anything, fuzzy in their moves, trying to look sexy. They didn't look sexy at all. She was so sad about it that I went looking for the groom and found him in the adjoined club fucking a stipper.  A male stripper. They've been married for five years now. I haven't said a word.         
  i was at state line, for all you wackers, thats the city outside of vegas, that us californians have to drive through to get to the land of milk and honey. i was staying there, and i had a wrist band for the rides. i wen onthe bad ass coaster mit the 100 story drop on it. the first 8 times it was scary, but after that it was just fun. so the way up once, on a coaster full of people, i started singing the boat song rom willy wonka and the chocolate factory.  that is an erie ass song.  
  In grade 3 I was best friends with Shanna and Sharon.  Shanna danced and won awards.  Sharon figure skated and won awards.  They were popular and I was the hanger-on. Popular by default.  One morning (or so it seems) I woke up with boobs. Not just any boobs either. I had hit the start of puberty and a 'C' cup.  In that one shining moment the social hierarchy of elementary school re-established itself with me on top. At our lame school dance parties all the boys wanted to dance with me and Shanna and Sharon never spoke to me again.  Fuck both of you. I have 2 much better friends now.   
  i just finished spankin the monkey. i feel better now.  
  When AT&T calls you urging you to switch your current long distance plan to their cheaper more efficient service, do not hesitate. Scream as loud as you can into the phone for as long as you can.  
  "SO whatcha gonna do? Huh?" says Scott's Ex-girlfriend, trying hard as hell to not spill her shitty cheap ass beer while she plopped her ass on the rail of the bridge.  5 minutes of verbal vomit had just escaped her hole. From "I fucked your brother too..." to "You are such a boring asshole..." viciously raped my buddy's ears. The guy who taught me to handle my alcohol. The guy who 7 months prior was pulled out of the Naval Academy because his brother shot their mother for drug money. A guy who's wife left him 4 months ago and wasn't even merciful enough to leave his dog behind. A guy who I personally witnessed break a bouncer's jaw with his left hand...while he was being pulled away from the bar. The only friend I have ever had that could convince me to drink cooking Sheery mixed with Orange Coolie and attempt to burn down the same biker bar we were thrown out of hours before. My friend, Scott. 6'4", 230 lbs was standing just inches now from this bitch. I knew what he was capable of and began to dread my future....  "So whatcha gonna do, asshole?"   Scott turned to me and smiled, spit out his Copenhagen, smiked again and turned back to the bitch.  Calmly, he leaned in to within an inch of her face and said, "I'm gonna laugh." With that she tried to push him away but instead went heals over head over the bridge railing and fell 20 feet down into the Raisin river.  November in Michigan is a bitch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am at the local brew pub (not the same one as limbo). The cook and the brew master ar looking at the spices they use for the cajun shrimp.  "What do you think those large oval seeds are?"   I reply, "Have you tried one yet?"  They look at each other, then at me. "You're right." I say, "Give me a couple. I have my own company. I'll never need to take a drug test."  For some strange reason there are mary-you-wanna seeds in the cajun spice mix.  
  To John_Clavis@yahoo.com:  If you think handguns are loud when discharged in a field,  you should hear them fired in an enclosed space.  When I was a kid, a friend of mine's drunk bastard dad decided to put a round from a .38 revolver through his window, about 3 feet away from me...  Couldn't hear a damn thing for 24 hours.  
  i had been drinking cheap vodka all night.  it was time to leave the party so i got into the car.  we drove to a house and went in.  i was standing in someone's kitchen with the guy who i had been sticking my tounge down his throat all night.  someone else walked in.  i turned to them and said, "we're going to have sex on your table, okay?"  the man spoke.  i knew his voice.  for a second i regained my blurry vision.  i was talking to my dad.  
  If you are a bad guy and part of an evil crime syndicate, you're gonna need a place to hang out and do bad guy stuff. Good guys will most likely try to sneak in and thwart your efforts so make sure you always have the following:  1. Ridiculous amounts of barrels filled with flammable liquids making sure that they will explode at the mere sound of gunfire. Place them in large stacks so that they will cause a chain reaction.   2. If you can, find out which of your men are near sighted and make them the lookout guards. Place them atop high fixtures throughout the base. Be sure that they have inadequate cover and very little floor space.  3. This one is important. Always leave miscellaneous weapons and equipment lying around for no good reason. Explosives, guns, whatever you can think of. If there are any tanks, helicopters or other vehicles of the like, be sure they are unmanned and leave all keys in the ignition.  4. Better get one really tough guy to hang out in your base. He will come in handy, believe me. If he is fat or Chinese that's great. If he is both, even better. Give him an intimidating name like 'crusher' or 'killsmash Joe'.  5. This one is geared especially toward crime bosses and evil masterminds. Always station 2 guards outside your office. Give them m16s and nothing more. Position them where they have a poor view of what is going on. Tell them that if they hear anything resembling a rock being thrown or somebody poorly impersonation one of their friends, to go check it out, together. If you think about it, don't let them interact with any of the other soldiers either. This will ensure that when the good guys come dressed in the standard uniform of your men, your m16 wielding friends will become suspicious because they probably thought that they were the only ones that worked there.   6. Last but not least, have fun.      This message was brought to you by the NTN and http://www.armyofrobots.com     
  I was 16, she 14. For some reason we were sitting in the same row in church, and our parents -- who had forced us to come -- were in the row ahead.  Anyway, her hand dropped to my thigh, & started working up. My jacket was prudently laid in my lap and the open bible set on top.  One orgasm, completing just prior to the final closing prayer, and the only heartfelt 'Amen' I ever uttered.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day  (while peacefully living in my perfect suburbia) I saw the most thorough Goth I have ever seen.  This guy had knee high boots, tights and a full length cape, all black, of course.  A suburban Goth?  This is one of the wealthiest areas in one of the wealthiest counties in the country.  What kind of teen angst could possibly be born in such a happy sterile place? Knowing the kids around here, he probably had a brand new Mercedes. In suburbia, teen angst is total bullshit.  
  Living in cornfield number 372 I don't get to experience many life-changing events.  It wasn't until I witnessed the sucessful suicide attempt of that racoon near my friends house that i realized how bad this "town" really blows.          
  I always use my tongue when eating yogurt, pudding, etc...never a spoon.  I also like to open Starbursts and those little fun-size candy bars without the aid of my fingers.  I like to think that I could administer a better blowjob than you.  
  I walk outside the office and smell the pleasant aroma of a grill being fired up.    Being that it's the middle of winter, the smells and thoughts of grilled meat make my mouth salivate.    I stand there and soak up the smell, loving every second of it.  Then I remember one small fact  I work next to the dog pound.   
  I've performed on-stage quite a bit.  Done song-and-dance routines pushing a no-drugs lifestyle, and have been pretty proud of it.  Even performed for a mass of 500 screaming cheerleaders.  Life was good.  Depression struck.  Three months later, out of the hospital, on the road again.  Perform at an elementary school.  Get mistaken for a Backstreet Boy.  Wanted to kill myself all over again.  
  Time, I think, is merely a state of flux in which the mind is totally in fusion with a version of reality to which you can cope with without going mental!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The place was call 'Eat & Park' and she and her friends loved going there.  I called it 'Eat & Puke' after the explosive shits I got from eating there when we once spent the weekend home from college in her hometown.  She was very amused.  
  My english professor once asked me to give the class an example of onomatopoeia.  "Ralphed. I once drank too much bourbon, and ralphed in a friends car."     
  I was with my eighth grade students at a picnic and finding myself too lazy to get food for myself, I decided to steal food from a student. I did this by telling her to look at something whilst I removed various items from her plate and consumed them.         
  Let's see... there's sad guy bald, bad guy bald, and then there's the rarest: the kind of man so masculine and facinating that just by standing there breathing he lays hairheaded guys to waste.       
  The sound a cat makes right before it vomits is extremely surreal.  
  Har har har. Me and my girlfriend are eating fried seafood at some crappy restaurant and I buttfucked our waitress a few months ago. My girlfriend pays and gives her a  really  generous tip because "she was so friendly."  Har har.  
  "Jack, they're looking for you at the shop. Your break ended thirty minutes ago."  Steam comes out of the sewers in this city. I like that.  "Conrad is gonna go apeshit on you if you don't get your ass off of this bench and down the street and back in there soon."  The sidewalk sparkles, too, like there's little specks of glass all in it. Maybe there are. I don't know much about concrete.  "I'm telling you, that son-of-a-bitch is gonna fire you."  I like sitting here on this bench and thinking about the alligators in the sewers.  "Are you even listening?"  Does the steam bother the alligators?  "Jack?"  Maybe if I could make it hotter, and therefore steamier, they'd come out and eat all the people I don't like.  "Jack?"  "Yeah?"  "Are you listening to me?"  "No. Can I borrow your lighter?"  "What for? You need to get back to work. You've been on break for an hour and a half."  "I need to start a really big fire."  "What?"  "For the alligators."        
  I don't understand.  I've just read four stories in a row where a person has either urinated or deficated on themselves because of being wasted.  I have passed out, I have forgotten things, I have woken up the next day sweating alchohol, I have progectile vomited into a wading pool.  I have never EVER lost control of my bodily functions.  Not on myself or anyone else.  I am a firm beleiver if this happens it is someones way of telling you to stick to cola.  
  I used to babysit for this guy. he was nice as were his kids. But he tended to underpay. I'm talking a twelve hour day at only 15$. Yea, so I decided that I would start to take liberties with his snack foods and then his change jar. One time I got up to 43$ just from his change jar. Thank God for Wilson Farms who exchanges un wrapped money. And what ended up happening?  I got fat and he stopped calling me to watch his kids.   
  "You have a great little body," she said, "Just come right up to my apartment if you ever want to have meaningless sex." Now, why the fuck did I  just  remember that, over two years later? Christ, she wasn't even drunk.  I think she moved...  
  You know that feelingwhen you're holding a glass, and it slips out of your fingers for no reason and even as you realize it you are powerless to stop it so you just stand there like a fucking idiot while everything shatters into a million pieces?  I just realized that's been my whole life.  Waiting for the shattering with a stunned stupid helpless look on my face.  
  i had just gotten a new tattoo on the back of my neck a few hours ago, so he fucked me while i lay on my back hanging my head off the edge of the bed, totally upside down. damn, what a rush, and the tattoo looks great.  
  So yeah, I've noticed a new way of communication. It is loosely based on the English language, but involves much less thought on the part of the speaker and more on the part of the listener, should they choose to make sense of it. Full sentences will be replaced by conversational hiccups. They will. Abrupt cutoffs. Adenoidal glottal stoppage of any complete thought will be the newest and most desirable communicable trademark, edging out the non-sequitor...  Also, make sure to change the subject a lot.   
  I'm looking for a job where I can sleep my way to the top.  (When you're already a ho, sexual harrasment can turn into an oppurtunity for advancement.)  
  One night about 4 am, I got a call from a booty call wanting to fuck.  I'd just gotten laid and I was pretty tired, just wanting to go to bed. He was real persistant and I was getting annoyed, so I finally thought, time to just spell it out...and I said, "Look, I just got laid 20 minutes ago, my mouth probably taste like cum, I'm tired and I'm going to sleep."  He actually goes "That's okay, how bouts another round?"  Being desperate enough to know how used the pussy would be and wanting it anyway = getting taken off the fuck meat list for good.  Sigh...that's just pathetic...at least pretend to have some pride man.  
  I once fucked in a gas station bathroom.  I bent over and put my hands on the seat part of the nasty gas station toilet. Then he fucked me doggy style.  The bathroom was really dirty and didn't smell very good. I only lived 10 minutes away.  What kind of whore fucks in a flithy gas station shitter when home is only 10 minutes away?    Oh, I guess that would be me.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sitting at a subway on sunset blvd. "hey" josh points out, "thats where river phenox died!"  ill be damned!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was the first day of the fall semester in my second year of college.  It was time to go meet all of the nice new freshmen women.  Being an "upper classman," it was a nice easy icebreaker to introduce yourself and see if anyone had any questions about the university, where their classes were, etc.   As I confidently walked up to a nice looking group of new recruits, I introduced myself and asked if they needed anything; you know, to help them get familiarized with the campus.  After a round of introductions, a most striking woman asked me, "Ith thith the right plathe to get my sthedule," in a voice that sounded like someone with a tongue three times to big for their mouth.   Being the hip student, I just knew that this particular student had just gotten her tongue pierced, as the first step in rebelling now that she was out from under her parents watch.   Now it was my turn to impress them with my blase attitude as a seasoned student who had done this all before.   "Why are you talking like the town drunk, did you just get your tongue pierced?" "No..." The collective look of horror on their faces as I mocked her speech impediment was just enough for me to turn on my heels and walk away muttering, "..right...just kidd-kidding.."   
  COLLEGE  I walk into my 8am Monday class after a night of hard partying. Needed a rail just to get out of bed after "sleeping" for 2 hours. I walk into Calculus and take a seat next to a good-looking, bright-eyed&bushy-tailed brunette who's obviously eager to see what she got on last week's test. Prof hands the tests back, I got a 97. I notice her peek at my score. I look over and she shakes her head frustratingly after dropping her test on the table. She got a 54. Pale, sweating gin, shaking, runny nose, triumphant.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if the whole fucking world lowered their brow a notch there would be fewer assholes and fewer murders ya dont need to be rude but for crissakes at least  at the very least be human        
  Just before the Mass trooper got to the car I remembered that there was a 16 oz. Colt 45 can in the glove box. I don't know why I put it there, it just fit. My friend was going to have to open it to get his registration. I pulled the can out too quickly and it punctured on the latch -just a pinhole. A fine mist of malt liquor hissed out, filling the air around us... I shoved it under the seat. As she was talking to my friend, I could still hear the hissing can. "License... hiss ...registration... hiss ...speeding... hiss ...be right back...etc." "It smells like a brewery in this car." Silence. Except for the hissing. "Was there maybe some beer that was spilled in the vehicle ... before?" Several heartbeats later, "Yes. There was some beer that was spilled in here. Before," was his ashen-faced response. "Here's your ticket. Slow down."  
  On Thursday I was in so much pain. I sat outside of Starbucks, smoking and writing in the freezing cold until dark just so I wouldn't go home and call him. Then I had to go home so I called a friend, listened to her eat, just so I wouldn't go by or call him. The compulsion to do it was SO strong...to hear his voice, to call him a rat bastard or even worse, to cry and let him know how much I hurt. In the end the only reason I didn't wasn't out of pride, but out of the simple fact that if I did, then I was damned to stay and play his games. The day ended, I went to bed, and woke the next morning fierce in my pride of not doing anything stupid.   Then yesterday he had to drop by. I had mowed the grass and he came up with some lame excuse about something or other, offering to help me with the yard work. I politely declined, telling him I like doing it. He left in a snit. Later he sent me an email saying that I still drive him crazy, that when he left his head was spinning and his cock was hard.   I never replied. He's as addicted to me as I am to him and I can't even tell him this because there's no way he'd understand.  kicking heroin can't be harder than this. At least heroin doesn't talk back.   
  My mother made up a song about my breasts. In the supermarket.   
  When programming, cursing at the computer is par for the curse.  But when you start making rude hand gestures at an inanimate machine, its time to go outside and have a cigarette.  
  I got to school with a letter on my desk. When I opened it it read: dear kenneth last night i came harder than ever before because i thought of you. then i took a huge shit oh my bathroom floor while contantly screaming and having the longest orgasm ive ever had   god bless those AV geeks  
  My 80 year old grandma babysitted me once for like 2 weeks when I was 17.  She made me play scrabble with her all the time. Not that it's a bad game, it's really quite fun.  But I used to cheat my ass off so bad, not just so I would win (I could beat her without cheating really), but so I would win by a factor of 3 or 4.  So anyhow I would cheat by making up words pretending to look them up and even sometimes making up a definition.  Yesterday she actually used one of my words in a sentence. Oh man old people are great.    
  In that through your eyes, you take in much and it goes to your brain,  where you process it and then, when done digesting  the information, it comes out your mouth in a terminal way  and in that this process of intake and exhaust defines you in a  philosophical way  and in that all we see of this process is the excrement of your metaphysical labours...  YOU ARE AN ASS.        
  A regular occurence at work:  I'm standing over the hopper (toilet mechanism with a hoselike apparatus).  As I hold the soiled pants in my latex laden hand, I begin to spray the shit off.  A fine mist rises.  The pungent smell of feces fills the small room.  The pants are thoroughly soiled, so I had some time to kill as they slowly rinsed clean.  I began to think,    "........what in the hell am I doing with my life???"          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         post-coitus with the ex girlfriend i notice she has a 2 inch long black hair protruding from her nipple i promptly remove it, giving her no warning with my teeth  
  a lazy saturday. Bought honey, tomatoes and flowers at the farmers market. Found a few books at the local used book shop. chatted w/ friends, did laundry, took a nap... and had the hottest dream about getting my toes sucked by a man with a stubbly face that tickled my foot.   
  She started playing at a furious clip; the Lucite bass was cool in her hands and it felt natural, like an extension of her right arm.  She couldn't figure out why she was getting such a great boomy sound out of the cheap-ass headphones she had plugged into the 4-track, until she took them off and realized she was playing through her stereo speakers as well.  Her face turned crimson.  Mortified, but for no good reason.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  The girl actually WANTED me to fuck her up the ass. Go figure. So I, with my typical gracelessness, manage to wreck the moment with a single blurt.  "Have you ever had anal sex?" asks she.  "You mean giving or receiving?" sez I.  And just like that, the opportunity was gone, gone, gone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In A Clockwork Orange, there's this scene where Alex beats the old woman with a sculpture shaped like a giant penis. He ends up killing her and I know that's a bad thing but I still want to beat someone with a giant penis someday.  
  hearing a girl say that "if she had a dick, she'd go and stick it in some girls butt, just once." to prove she could is odd.  her justification for this is, she wouldn't want to be creepy or anything...  me, i just think your wasting a perfectly good coital expereince by trying to force the issue with the ass...  
  One late night, With a growling stomach, I decided to go down for a snack. Should have turned the light on. As in the darkness, I stepped out too far, And missed three steps. Finding myself on the floor, I grasped at my ankle, and screamed in agony.  Sprained. Have to keep it elevated. Take medication. Wrap it with an ace bandage. so forth. The fine blonde nurse asks me if i would like crutches. Her being a fine blonde nurse, I tell her I'm fine. Cause I'm a real man!  I'm a real man who spent 3 weeks hoping around in agony, only to never see that nurse again.  I hate pride.    
  I hate my skin... I have zits that just randomly show up on my face (rarely), my chest (kind of rarely), and my back (most of the time, unfortunately).  I want them to go away so bad. But by golly, I just love popping the bastards.   
  a few months ago, my dad was gonna stop by my apartment on his way to work to pick up some bills.  normally i would be up and about to leave for work at about this time, so i thought nothing of it.  except, the day before i had walked out on my job for some dumb principle i had, and was up that night till about 5.00am.  so i panicked, drank a shit load of coffee to stay awake, and then left.  if my dad found out that i quit my job like that the day he came over to pick up and pay my bills, he would have kicked my ass.  so i got into my truck and drove around.  i went to walmart, bought some socks and marlboros, then went to home depot to wander around for a bit.  in the store i noticed a lot of activity around the bathroom and came to the, probably very liberal, conclusion that all the contractors and what not stop at home depot for the free coffee and bathrooms before they hit the jobsite.  seems like a good idea.  so since i had also partaken in the coffee, i too had to shit.  so i saunter in there like i'm the big dog at MY jobsite and do my business.   as i'm sitting there, i notice a pair of snakeskin boots visible in the next stall over.  but these aren't any pair of snake skins.  these are my $250 vintage store snakeskins (i can tell by the scuff marks from where i rolled my ankle one night).  "holy shit, who the fuck is sitting next me?!?!?  and why do they have my fucking prized boots?  what the hell is going on?"   i wipe and get out and wash and duck out the door and lean against the wall just outside to confront the boot-thief.    the door opens and it's my dad--"why the fuck aren't you at work???"  "why the fuck do you have my boots???"  awkward silence....  my dad stole my boots and then came to home depot, same as i did, to drink the free coffe and use their crapper.  we were both beaming with pride.  
  sometimes my life feels like a big 4,000 page novel that i've been organizing, writing, editing, and shit for the past 17 years...and just when i think i finally have gotten everything in order, someone goes and opens a god damn window letting in this huge gust of wind that blows all 4,000 pages around the room, fucking everything up again  stupid windows  i should just live in a sealed box  life would be much simpler        
  When I was eight or nine, my dad wanted to introduce me to the ways of men, and started to point out good-looking women to me.  "Check it out.  Total babe on the right." he would say.  At that age, I was embarrassed by this.    One day, I thought to myself that the next time he does this would be the last.  It was later in the day, at the food court, that he said "absolute babe.  on the right."    I nearly shouted, "Whoa, Dad!  Check out the rack on her!"  Heads turned.  
  "i'm so disappointed in you.  why did you start smoking?"  me: "well, i was shooting for emphazima, but i'll probably just end up with lung cancer like everyone else."  now i see why smokers hate everybody  
  I don't know what it is about the corner close to my farmhouse. It doesn't look like much of anything, but two or three cars a year fail to negotiate it. I'm woken up again by the familiar screetch and thump. I shine a spotlight on the corner, and this time the car is upside down in the middle of the road. I call the cops, tell them take the corner slow and bring an ambulance with them, and walk down with a couple blankets. Two guys are crawling out, slowly. I shine my flashlight on them as I approach and ascertain they're only bloodied and in shock. I get them sat down on the bank with blankets around them. I ask questions, but they're not making any sense yet. I bend down and look inside the car. There's still one guy in there, breathing at least. I'm not stupid enough to touch him. I walk round the blind part of the corner to flag down traffic, just in time for the cops. I point inside the car, and go back to the guys. They're much better, and ask if they can use my phone. I send them up to the house. Cop: "Eh, is there anybody in your house?" Me: "No, I'm alone." Cop: "Better get up there, then. Those two will take everything that isn't bolted down."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was picking up the last of my things from my ex-girlfriend, whose dog happened to love me.  The dog got so excited to see me that he pissed all over the carpet.  Take that woman!    
  Her: i think my bed's calling me   Me: what is it calling you?    Her: big fat poophead   
  Visiting Scotland, my brother-in-law (BIL) wants to take me out to "The Cricket Club."  My sister and he are very mysterious about the place -- won't tell me anything about it other than I will certainly have a good time, and no, women are not allowed.  My sister drives us over to a house in the country, and promply leaves. BIL leads me around the house and literally down the garden path.  To a 6'x9' potting shed, with room for about two people.  'Cept there are already six guys in there.  We squeeze in and join them.  We sit there, drinking too much whisky and far too much beer, with an old tea chest for a table, and swap the raunchiest stories I've ever heard.  BIL looks a little nervous to have me hear just how often he's screwed around on my sister.  Whrn we run out of booze, BIL and I stumble the three miles home.  The house is locked, and dead-bolted from the inside.  BIL: "Damn -- oh well, I guess it's the garage for me tonight again."  Me: "No it's not!  I'll get my wife up and she'll let us in."  BIL: "She'd DO that?"  I throw a pebble at our guestroom window. My wife promptly opens the front door, smiling.  BIL, in awe: "You should keep that one."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I meet this dude at a bar and asks me if I'd join him the men's room to blow a few lines.  As a female I don't usually hang out in the men's room, but it was free blow so why the hell not?  Well no one seemed to mind in there, but when we walked out together with big ol grins on our faces, a few of my co-workers just happened to be waiting in line for the women's bathroom and saw us.    I wanted to tell them I wasn't hooking up with him in there, but for some reason saying we were just getting high didn't sound any better.  Oh well.  
  Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a guy who took showers only when I begged him to do so.   Not  the  best, mind you... though if he'd taken his personal hygeine more seriously, I might be married to him right now.    
  A work friend was cheated on and dumped.  I directed her to sites that have tons of spying equipment, explained and showed how to install hidden cameras in his house, bug his phones, all kinds of shit.  This was, according to what she thought, to see who "the other woman" was and have some proof.  Of course, I set it up so I recieved the video feed as well.  My reason for helping?  Tons of new free voyuer porn for me...  
  I got a blowjob from a girl I met in a club last November. She wasn't particularly good-looking and it was not a great blowjob but she had a great ass and wore a small pair of red lacey knickers.  It's July now. I doubt she masturbates whilst thinking about me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         too bad, you missed the gastrointestinal pyrotechinics.  i was a at 50's themed cocktail party. my 21 year old boyfriend was taking bets to drink weird concotions of condiments and vodka and i knew almost no one there, being all his friends they were. so i was sitting ther, drinking myself into a stupor, and my best friend's 27 exboyfriend fed me drinks all nite.  i got home and my dad was waiting up for me. i said "it was a great party, i'm really tired so i'm going to bed now."  tottered up the stairs in my stiletto heels, stripped off the dress and slip, somehow got out of my stockings.    i was almost asleep/passed out and my stomach gave the heave of doom.    made it to the edge of the bed.  got puke on myself, the bed, the wall, the floor. had to throw away three posters that were ruined.  then i went downstairs and threw up some more and fell asleep in a vomity fetal position on the floor in front of the toilet.    my mom said "must have been that pizza, it was really greasy this time."   whoa. dodged a big one there.   now what is more lowbrow. the 27 year old feeding a 17 year old girl drinks?   or that fact that my boyfriend snorted chili powder like cocaine for 5 bucks??  
  someone wrote here "...blah blah blah but a man can only love himself".  i would beg to differ on that one.  there is no question that my boyfriend loves me genuinely and completely.  ...  he gives dynamite blowjobs too.  
  I stopped using AOL's Instant Messenger when I noticed that my "Blocked" list was three times as long as my buddy list.  
  Him - Swearing at the computer:  "I'm going to sell this damn thing to some natives, and tell them it's an automatic poontang machine that has to be activated with baseball bats!"  Me - "Did you just make that up?"  Him - "Yep."  Gotta love my Dad.  
  The day is here.   we all sat,tied in a spellbound motion, to our computer screens. The weeks went by and we were without. Then, one night it happened. Lowbrow was back. and the world once again could          rejoice.        
        burning sick time home with the flu theres only so much flashfour editing you can take  ah lowbrow then you come up on the feather purse or the flimsy raincoat two and then three times its time to go outside there is another world oh  right oops   
  yesterday i bought this beat up, faded old rocker for $20 at the secondhand store. ... i think his name was Sting.  
  I started out normally, but soon the 6 hits of acid started to hit me hard.  I was all disorientated and couldn't see where I was going.  I started feeling the wall beside me, guiding me to the place where I started going originally.  In my head I heard voices and strange sounds, but to me it all seemed like a dream so I kept on walking.  I came along to something fleshy feeling, like two mounds of sweet human existence.  I felt something hit my face and I was down on the ground. spitting up blood.   Next thing I know I am waking up in a puddle of my own piss at night, in a dumpster.  That was the last time I did acid.  Dont do it kids!  
  I blamed the missing skin from a KFC chicked breast that was saved for tomorrow on my cat that loves junk food.  
  There is nothing quite like the satisfaction felt after accidently  giving a complete stranger the wrong directions to his destination.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         lowbrow: up north, camping... duct tape drunk friend into his cot... put testicles on his forehead and photograph it... send said picture to him at a later date.  
  Y'know that old people smell? When you're at a retirement home it's hanging in the air, floating around everywhere, sinking into your nostrils and clothing and refusing to leave you alone, making you run outside gasping.  I spilled ice tea on my carpet. I took out some box of rug cleaners my mom gave me and scrubbed the thing down with the first bottle of juice I got in my hand. Now my hands have that old people smell and I can't escape it.  I look at the bottle I used: "For the removal of urine and feces stains."  Oh.  
   Brothers In-Law (Aah, the family life...)  Two of my three brothers'-in-law baldly bragged to me about having affairs while married to my my sisters. The third one was far too proper to do anything like that. Looks like one had finally got herself a really good catch. He took her away to Vancouver, BC, to get her away from her family, then kept her virtually imprisoned for fifteen years and, five years after she finally broke free of him, is still stalking her regularly. I would go over there and treat him to a little fambly solidarity, but he went underground years ago. Nobody, not the police, not even his daughters, know where he lives...  
  Pulling into the dealership on yet another trip to the parts department, I follow a rusty, battered pickup driven by a scarred, grisly guy with long greasy hair and several missing teeth. My imagination can still smell him.  The capper; a bumper sticker on the truck that read 'Just looking for a nice girl that doesn't mind wiping up vomit'  
  I took a sizable dump in an empty pop-tart box.  
  So I am at this hole in the wall bar the other night (Maxine's in Fayetteville, AR - if any of you've ever been there you know already that it was a pretty lowbrow night)   Anyway they've got one of those one-lane bowling things up against the wall. So I'm sitting there with my buddy J and all I can think about is diving down that lane and knocking the pins over with my head.   Finally J tells me he'll buy me a beer if I get a strike. That seals the deal. I drop my stuff on the table and take off running, diving headlong down the lane.   I raise my head at the very end of the slide to make sure I knock down ALL the pins.  My head connects with the  glass barrier above the pins and consequently slams me chin first into the lane itself. I split my chin open and gave myself a minor concussion.  "J, can I get a Guiness?"    
  He had a mullet with bleached highlights and a cheap indian head dress dangled from his review mirror.  
  I locked my keys in the car, I can't find my checkbook, I'm standing in my front yard, and I gotta take a crap.  
  I hope, someday soon, someone invents a really convincing virtual reality system.  I want to go back to junior high school... just long enough to deal with those fucking assholes who tortured me.  I don't know if I would beat on them. But I would most certainly do something.  
  I'm at work a lot.  Every day for a while, some guy would call for my boss. The same conversation every day: Me: "Thank you for calling (my store)."  Guy: "Is (my boss) available?"  Me: "Nope. He's gone for the day."  Guy: "Ok. Good enough."  That "good enough" always annoyed the fuck out of me. It's like, yeah it's good enough, it's the truth.   So I got into the habit of asking "Good enough?" right after I told him my boss was gone.   He doesn't call anymore.    
  she walked over and said my friend lisa wants to buy you a beer  whats your name said he to she in his best i have a cock bigger than tom jones  oh im just some bimbo ok what are you drinking a bud said he  five minutes later a rather tall large man in a blonde wig handed him a beer and said hi im lisa these are the looks that are priceless  
  In Vegas, losing at the 5 cent slots. The waitress brings me another free drink. A minute later I try to get up but instead fall onto the floor in a drunken stupor. Low.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I use a eunuch's operating system.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Talking about masturbation with Dan Bondarev in eight grade, and he says, "Once man I whacked off 20 times in one day! 20 orgasms!"   His initially ear-to-ear grin slowly faded as I stared at him in horror and disbelief. "Are you kidding me?" I ask.  The benighted boy failed to detect the reverence and undertones of admiration in my voice, and in an attempt to play it off naturally he quickly blurted out, "No no, I'm just kidding, just kidding man."  Whatever. He really must have. Damn. What a guy.  
  I used to be a star employee. I busted my ass. I'd finish today's projects and then finish as many of tomorrow's as I could. Sometimes I was working two days ahead of schedule.  Then I found lowbrow.com.  
  So I went to the hospital due to a very large hit that I took in lacrosse.  I waited four hours and finally saw a doctor.  He told me that I will be just fine and that I could go home and I would be fine in the morning.  The next day I woke up and was pissing blood.  so i saw my family doctor and he said i have bruised ribs and a bruised kidney.  I love hospital doctors, is there a way someone could get paid that much and give out that much bullshit advice.  If so, I want in.  
  I was a sophomore in college, working as a host at a restaurant downtown. This older woman walks up to my host stand and says, "Could you please call me a taxi?"  I couldn't resist. She was Bert and I was Ernie. "You're a taxi," I said. I'm sure I was grinning like the proverbial idiot.  She gives me this funny look and then says, "I'm sorry. I'm deaf, so I can't use the phone. Could you please call me a taxi?"  
  "No man who refers to me as 'baby' can expect to take me out on a date.  It is condescending, rude, and sexist," my feminazi friend hypothetically said.  "But what if he's rich and he knows how to eat pussy?" I replied.  "Goddammit that changes everything then."     
  i walk into work today, and a coworker of mine (same one who told me yesterday that i should go to the library for books, cuz they have so many!, in genuine wonderment) tells me that her septic tank had backed the pther day. "don't flush condoms!" she says, and giggles.... her and her boyfriend had to run around the shit-soaked back yard picking up 400+ used, poop-infested condomns before her 7 yr old daughter came home.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The highlight of my day today was waging war on the bugs that have just appeared all over my house and garage.  You know the black ones with red on them. "Box Elder Bugs" some call them. Spawn of Satan I call them.  I walk outside, a super soaker in one hand and bottle of Ajax dish soap in the other. A 1:1 ratio of water to soap seemed sufficient.  It quickly turned from a quick extermination into a battle. Standing in front of the garage screaming obscenities as I snipe individual bugs. Some fly at me in a kamikazee attack and are cut down.  Once inside I found a single bug that had clung to my pants. I dropped him in the toilet and watched him drown.   Thats what you get when you mess with me fuckers.  
  coworker: Man, what is that smell. It smells delicious.  me: What does it smell like?  coworker: Chile.  me: Oh, I farted.  coworker: No, it smells like chile.  me: Yea, I had chile for supper last night.   moment of silence........  Coworker inhales deeply. His stomach starts growling.   coworker: Wow, that must have been some good chile to come out the other end smelling like that.  
  "Yep, my dad never stops being a hard-core fan... of something. Right after Football season ends the Dog shows begin."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Whenever I finish making love to my girlfreind, I'm always worried that, if I'm on top, my weight might make her uncomfortable or give her trouble breathing when she's already so out of breath.  It has occurred to me that she might view my speedy roll to the left as a rejection of sorts.  I wonder...       
  When some people spank the monkey they get relief, others get sleepy,...I just feel guilty because my monkey whimpers in corner of my apartment.  I still can't figure how it makes people tired, they must be really "laying on the beats!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Way back in college, I woke up feeling strange, eyes puffy and slitted. Went to the bathroom, and while pissing, caught sight of myself in the medicine cabinet mirror. Some strange and horrible allergic reaction had caused my entire face to swell up until it was as smooth and rounded as an egg with two eye slits, a mouth slit, and a tiny little bump where the tip of my usually large nose protruded.  The doctors at the university medical center couldn't do a damn thing. "Go home and take some Benadryl," they said. So I went home and smoked a joint.   Everyone who came over laughed at me.  The next morning it was gone, as if it had never happened. It has never happened again.  Life is really fucking strange sometimes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         whoa whoa buddy careful that stuff is seven bucks a pound         
  Forty-five down the boulevard.  The rodent was twenty-four inches long.  Six feet into the street.  Two seconds to entangle itself among a plastic bag.  "The miracle of plastic"   
  Thanks to the wonders of modern 802.11b technology, I am taking a crap and using my laptop at the same time.  Kind of disgusting, eh?  
  God dammit! Get back to work! You know what you have to do! You must leverage the main tier of the business-critical internet infrastructure environment in a robust, and content-rich fashion!  Fuckin people who use "bigspeak" piss me off. Why don't you just say it in plain English? Takes those overpaid fluff-speakers 2 1/2 hours to say something that could be said in less than 1/2 hour using normal English.  Fuck I hate living in Silicon Valley.  
   Outer Hebrides Moments #4  A Royal Air Force sergeant messes up badly, so he gets posted to Benbecula.  Looking around the dismal barracks, he asks "What do you guys do here for fun?"  "Oh, we've got an arrangement with a local shepherd.  On Friday evenings, he drives his flock over that hill there, and we..."  Sergeant: "You  are  joking, right?"  "Wait 'til you've been here a week or so."  Come Friday night, all the guys in the barracks are polishing their shoes, ironing their best suits, all excited. The sergeant realizes he's been had, so he dresses in his best, too.  However, next thing that happens is that somebody shouts "Here they come!" and everybody runs out of the barracks and up the hill, where a large flock of sheep have just appeared at the crest.  The sergeant catches up with the crowd and asks: "Hey, there's more than a hundred of them, what are you all running for?"  "Aaah, but ye wouldn't want to get an  ugly  one, would you?"  
  You know those high octane butane torch lighters you can get like people might use to smoke drugs and shit? Well, I saw one today that was really cheap and had a cannister stuck to the side of it and it was sparkly and said 'LUCKY TORCH'. I don't think I want luck to be a big factor in the whole 'whether or not my face burns off' thing.  
  my love life is horrible. i am thinking about going gay, just so that i will actually meet some girls.  
  It's 4:00 am, 01/01/02, in the last 12 hours I have:  -Provided a friend with an E pill. -Provided alcohol for a party full of teenagers. -Visited my grandmother -Double-fisted cell phones, so I was on with both of my brothers at midnight (Little bro is stationed in Singapore, so this was an accomplishment) -Had sex with a cute girl -Had sex with a cute boy -Been accused of a hit-n-run (I'm innocent) -Fed a 17 y/o girl drinks until she passed out, then pawned her off on her friends(simply because she said she could handle it and I had nothing better to do) -Driven the wrong way on a one-way street -Been approached by a prostitute  Happy Lowbrow New Year, Everybody!  
  A really cute law student moved in with us last week. The law school at our college is crappy, so all the law students are insufferably stuck up. I didn't want her moving in, but the other guys overruled me cos she was so cute. So it's not going to be much fun having her live here, the other guys have realised that already. They wished they listened to me. At least she smiled and thanked me today when I hooked her computer up to our home network, and got her online with our shared modem. She was helpless because she hardly knows crap about computers. But I spent a full hour sitting in her prissy preppy room, working on her computer, while she watched and drank a beer, and she didn't even offer me one. Cunt. So I worked  a little longer, and left. Tonight, I sat down at my computer and cruised our network to the camera on top of her computer that she doesn't know she's sharing with the whole house. I was just hoping to see her undress for bed sometime, but there she was, sitting with her skirt up to her waist, staring at something on her computer screen and rubbing furiously away. She was really getting off. I called the other guys in and we had a loud party. We could see her look pissed and turn her head, wondering what the noise was about, but then she turned back to the screen. That's what you get for not offering me a beer, bitch. Tomorrow I'll cruise over to her C: drive, that she's also sharing with the house, and find out what she was looking at. Yes it's going to be lots of fun having her live with us.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My younger brother was 3 at the time and I was 12. We went to Wendy's and my mom bought him a strawberry shake. My brother and I go to a table with our drinks while my mom is waiting for our food. As soon as my brother takes a big mouthful of strawberry shake, I make a totally goofy face and it works out just as I had planned: He laughed so hard, he had electric pink milkshake running out of both nostrils and I was laughing so hard that I nearly fell out of my chair. My mother shouted at me,  It's  NOT  funny!  All I could think of was,  Yes. Oh yes; it  IS VERY  funny!   
  wait a minute wait just one fucking minute you expect me to believe that shit jese at least have the anonymous balls to say something thats true to the brow oh wait life in a box equals no real experience sorry least you never got burned like third degree burned personally i ll take the charred flesh          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think one of the first signs that my girlfriend was a keeper was when she poured Black Label on my chest and licked it off during sex.  
  The most exciting and entertaining thing I did all day was flicking my cigarette butt on the freshly rainsoaked ground and watching the cherry slowly absorb the water off the ground and extinguish.... don't you wish you're life was a picture of perfection like mine?  
  We were in his purple camaro, speeding along the 405 toward Anaheim.  "That strip club sucked," he said. "I paid $25 for a lap dance and she didn't get naked for me."  "Caveat emptor," I though.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I have figure skating down cold.  I know the difference between a toe loop and an Axel, and can point out exatly how well they are executed.  I can talk about historical stars all the way back to the 1958 Protopopovs from the USSR.  I make fun of the judges, comparing them to the famously-biased East German ones.  So, is this just bragging rights? Or is it an actual lowbrow moment?  Relax, you compulsive clickers. All of the above is for the sole purpose of being able to relax on the couch with my sweetie while watching agile, scantily-clad young women display their bodies in ever more inventive ways.   
  Took a bus trip from Sacramento, CA to San Diego, CA. Met a young girl who sat next to me, after which we preceded to have torrid sex. Afterwards we were greeted by a gentleman from Folsom Prison, who was just paroled that day and had gotten on the bus during our romp. His grin still terrifies me today.  
   She unbuckled my belt with the quickness and pulled me to her body with force. With the pleasure pain ensuing, I gaze up to the ceiling. The mirror on the wall tells me she's done this before...  
  Once I was in gym class and this guy came up and de-pantsed me in front of the whole class.  I felt sort of silly, as little kids are wont to do.        
   I was thinking about holodecks. (From Star Trek) I could have sex with anybody/anything I could possibly imagine with a holodeck. But then it dawned on me, when the time comes to blow your load, whatever you blow into isn't really real, and you'd leave quite a mess all over the place.   
  "So, anyways, yesterday afternoon we were having sex for like a whole hour and a half..."  With as much composure as I could muster, I replied that that was maybe seven, eight hundred calories gone.   "Hee hee! Yay!"  So why is it that she's still a fat ho, not a skinny one?        
  From last night's posting:  When you have incipient (I can't spell diaahrea, so I'll just call it the) liquid spurts  But I was forgetting my Scottish heritage. The Scottish dialect is very direct, and has wonderful words for just about everything. Like the Scottish expression for intestinal disturbances that have you sitting on the toilet for hours, while your legs fall asleep. "The skitters".  
   The Hollywood Blowoff  This one's been simmering for a couple days. OK. She wanted a recording studio. OK, I spent 60 hours coming up with the absolutely optimum solution. I sent my recommendations, and she wrote back that she wanted to hire a "real" recording engineer. So, OK, slap in the face. I check out his credentials. He's actually an amateur, Purty good on equipment, but has no knowledge of software. I write to him, suggesting that we might work well together. He writes back one sentence that is the single ugliest thing that anyone has ever said to me. So far so good. Then she sends her golddigger-target 62 year-old dying guy millionaire to pick up her computer, that I had just configured perfectly over the last six days. I give it to him, but it's not going to do them much good: in order to log on, you have to deal with the fact that the password is the license plate of my oldest sister's boyfriend's first car. In Scotland.  
  That ugly-ass Hyundai has been parked in front of my house for three weeks now, and there's no idea when the owner is coming back.  A trip to Kinko's to copy a flyer announcing a "paint the car" contest sponsored by a fictional radio station, some time spent posting them around town, and I just might finally have something interesting to watch this weekend.   
  So there I was, with my hand up my ass, drinking a caramel Frappacino from Starbucks and deciding which soup I should buy, when I saw the hottest chick ever.  She only wishes she could have me.  
  If a guys dick is 4 inches, I couldn't even feel the penetration, and he only last about...HONEST TO GOD...10 seconds in the sack, does it actually count as another knotch on the bedpost?  I say it doesn't...or at least it shouldn't.    Yet another reason to stop drinking so much.  Maybe they should try putting that on a beer warning label.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My life is never going to improve unless I stop using windows solitare to predict the future.   
  I was on the freeway one day, when a trucker decided to come into my lane. I was driving this little black Honda, so I knew that if he did connect, he probably wouldn't even feel it. I started flashing my lights, and honking the horn, and I knew he could see me, because I could clearly make out his face in his rear-view mirror. I swerved off the road into this wide valley-like median, and just when I though everything would be okay, I noticed the rapidly approaching sign. I clipped it with the right front bumper and pulled a Dukes of Hazzard. I rolled that little car 4 times. When everything was said and done, the car was mangled, but I was unscathed. All I could think to do was look in my rearview mirror to check if I had any boogers in my nose. How messed up is that? After making me late for work, the least that bastard trucker could have done was stop. He just kept on truckin. Fucker.  
   Really  Really  Fresh Off The Boat  'Cept the boat was called something like "Clipper Of The Skies," and was a fat 747. There was a mixup, so we arrived several hours before my future Dad-In-Law, who was coming to pick me up. All they'd had on board was coffee, so I go looking for a nice cup of tea, of course (I'd never been out of Britain before, so why wouldn't I think that you can get a "nice cup of tea" anywhere?). Bwooklin lady with a cast on her arm hands me my cup. I notice a string hanging over the side, and bring it to her attention: "Oh! Excuse me, but I think a piece of your cast must have come off in my tea!" She puts the cup down on the counter, grabs the string, waves the teabag around and says: "This is a teabag." They put tea in  bags  over here? I drink my "tea" and wander off looking for a cute British girl or two who are confused, lost, and desperately in need of someone to take care of them and find them a nice cup of tea...  
  Yesterday in The Love Stop I contemplated buying a Cyberskin fuck buddy, complete with anus and "adjustable orifices that go as tight as a virgin."   With the $200 my grandmother gave when I went to visit for the first time in 6 months.  I did this so next time I'm The Love Stop with someone and they wonder aloud "What kind of sicko would use something like that," I can say:  "Yeah, I know, I never use the one I bought."  --out  
  Romantic movie... on the couch... mood is set. I stare into her eyes and wait for the right words...  She says, "Why are you looking at me like that?"  I think we should see other people.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was a busboy.  He was a yuppie. I didn't want to be bothered, it was rib night and my shirt was covered with goo. He was teaching his kid who was on the $1 bill when I came by to pick up their plates. He told his kid, "Impress this guy, tell him who's on the fifty dollar bill."  The kid wouldn't say because I looked like the rib-goo-monster at the moment.  He kept pressing and finally told the kid, "Say Ben Franklin.  Say Ben Franklin is on the fifty-dollar bill." Under my breath I said, "Grant." He look at me, "What?" "Grant's on the fifty, Ben Franklin's on the hundred." I left as he said, "Well, I see so many hundreds, I get mixed up."  But he lost, even his wife was laughing at him.  
  I am walking through the parking lot enroute to the entrance to the stadium. There is small crowd standing around this dud standing on the roof of pick-up at what I assume is a tailgate party. I stop and check it out. "WHAT DO WE WANT??" he yells, "VICTORY!! WHAT DO WE WANT? VICTORY!!" he howls in an apparent alcohol and testosterone-induced frenzy. He halts. Drops his chin to his chest, then in a possessed fury, starts projectile-vomitting copious amounts of bright blue liquid (the matching our school's color!) in a perfectly-arcing path over the bed of the pick-up to while his compatriots chant:"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" The guy next to me, after finishing his own chorus of chants, looks at me and says: "Fucking awesome!, huh?" Errrrr....ummmmm....sure. Isn't college fun?   
  One day after seeing a bunch of street beggars, I decided to take action.  So... I went to the local costume shop and got a clown costume.That same day armed with  face paint, big shoes, and a horn, I went to various intersections where known beggars waited for beer money.  Adding humor to the plight of the street beggars is such an ambitious goal. I held up a sign that said, "Unemployed Clown:   You think this is funny". Within a week I bought a car and and a new fire truck. The street beggars still hate me.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the worst thing about having a roommate in a college dorm is that you have to plan out when you can masturbate without getting caught  
  After a night at the movies we decide to get something to eat.  We decide on Denny's given that they are open at that hour and we all for some reason wanted breakfast. While looking at the menu of of the girls in the group starts laughing and points out that with the belgian (waffle) you can have whipped cream and cherries for 69 cents.  The waitress shows up to take our orders when this girl orders she asks for and I quote the following:  girl:"I want the belgian, (pause)  ... With WHIPPED CREAM...(Pause)    ...And CHERRIES."  waitress:"Do you want any meat with that?"  girl:"I want the SAUSAGE"  We didn't even try to wait for the waitress to walk away before we broke apart laughing.  
  Toward the end of a long night of frat-party hopping, I was in the advanced stages of inebriation.  As my bladder was starting to require more and more frequent evacuations, I sat my beer down in (what I thought was) an inconspicuous location so I could retrieve it when I came back from the bathroom.  When I returned, I recognized this beautiful girl from my psychology class and started chatting with her.  Meanwhile, someone had placed several more empty and half-empty bottles where I left my beer, and trying not to look like some dumb drunk fuck, I cooly grabbed the bottle I thought was mine.  During a brief pause in our ensuing conversation I took a big swig from the bottle.  That's when I realised someone had been using it as an ashtray.    Dating tip:  spitting a mixture of beer, cigarette ashes and butts over a girl you're trying to pick up tends NOT to make a good first impression.  The following Monday I dropped the class and took a philosophy course as my elective instead.  
  I picked up the rather nasty and foul habit of belching the word "beef" whenever a particular nasty case of gas would arise.  I don't remember when I started this despicable habit but I think it was in my early twenties and I think Ren & Stimpy had something to do with it.  At any rate, my two year old son says *BEEF* everytime I expel the pressure now, regardless of whether or not I say it (I usually do).  Some people might be proud.  Some people might be disturbed.  I'm just indifferent to that.  Sad, huh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Working at a CompUSA in Northern Jersey, I was sometimes asked to help corral shoplifters, who were spotted via the hidden cameras viewed through monitors in the security room.  This time it would not be as easy as we had hoped.  The guy was about 6'6" and I am only 5'10".  He weighed a good 100 pounds more than I do.  We approached and he threatened me with a chair.  He delivered on his promise.  The chair flew at me and he flew out the door.  I hit the deck and he got away.  Moral of the story:  We got your license plate, fucker.  
  Last year, got drunk, but, I'm only 17. Not only did I get drunk, but, I got slobbering drunk. In front of my parents.   I couldn't fucking keep my head up right... One of the upsides to being a total and utter jackass all the time? Your parents can't tell the difference between wasted and a goofy mood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love roller coasters, man I loves me some roller coasters. I get really depressed and irate seeing intelligent mammals like elephants in captivity. Busch Gardens is a very confusing place for me. The beer is overpriced.  
  I live overseas where the current is 220v. One time my father's stubborn and boorish wife came with him to visit. She asked about power converters. I told her that they don't work well. I told her I would recommend buying a hair-dryer here (220v), or using my (female) roomate's for no charge.   Some time later I heard a blood-curdling scream from  their room. Then I smelled the very distinctive and pungent odour of burnt hair. Lots of it. Apparently she decided to bring her own hair dryer which shortly after she fired IT up, was, errrr, firing HER up and spraying sparks everywhere. My father put out the fire on her head with a towel. She was pretty shocked (figuratively speaking). I just bit my lip.   I think they really wanted me to be sympathetic, but that was impossible given the blood I had drawn biting my lip to suppress my inner hysterical laughter...        
  I just don't have the need to impress large numbers of people with my sexual abilities.         
  A couple of years ago, when my whole life was consumed by copious amounts of illicit substances, my stoner buddy and I went through the car wash at the Shell station.  Blasted out of our minds, we waited through the cycle, watching the suds and rollers flying over the car.  At the end of the cycle, it has those big blowers to dry the car.  That's when we got the idea...  The next day, we talked our friend who works at Shell to give us the complimentary car wash code so we could go through for free.  Again, we waited through the washing, smoking our blunt.  When the water stopped and the fans kicked on, we rolled down the windows, letting the high velocity air go flying through the car, kicking up fast food bags, cigarette packs, and other forgotten trash in the car.  Of course, when stoned, everything is funny.  We went through the car wash several times before leaving, only to come back later that day with more pot, more friends, and a video camera.  We set up the camera on the deck behind the back seat and let it film the contained tornado.  Weird, though.  It wasn't anywhere near as funny when we watched it the next morning.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         which one of us wins this round? the fact that in my drunken stupor I asked her something to the extent of 'if you were here and drunk enough to ignore the way i look, would you have pity sex with me?' or the fact that she said 'probably'?  
  My first 2 jobs involved me having to dress up as different storybook characters for children.  Most of the children loved being able to meet thier favorite heroes and characters. Some were scared and timid though...those were the ones i liked to run after growling and waving my arms....  how i wish i would have when i had the chance...  
  I watch my boyfriend's porn before he comes home from work.  I like to try the things I see.  I think he is getting suspiscious.  
  There's this girl that sits in front of me in my college Calculus class. She is the smart snotty type that gets A's on all her exams and gloats about it like she's all special. She looks at my test and smiles smugly at my C minus.  She is completely oblivious to the fact that her big ass crack is hanging out the back of her pants like a fucking plumber.   Who's smiling now, bitch?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a part time job at a grocery store, I sold this man a pck of cigeratts, he started to smoke, i told him "no smoking in the store"  he said "if i can buy 'em here why cant i smoke 'em"  i replied "yeah well we sell condoms here too, now leave"  
  Last night I happened upon a website that is authored by a beautiful, large-breasted waif of a 22-year-old. She is deaf and has retreated to Newfoundlad so that she can escape the torment of busy city life and dedicate her life to composing erotic fantasy as well as recover from the effects of the coma.  Need I mention that she is still tragicly ill with severe headaches, but still finds the time to play at lesbianism with her best friend and invite well hung penpals to spend the summer with her?  Her erotic fantasies frequently involve rough sex with older men. They are well written, if wordy, as is her diary.  How many sucker read the attributed fiction and actually believe the story about her "real life"?   
  some guy from GreenPeace showed up on my doorstep the other day. After I convinced him that if I gave up my cup of coffee a day to donate that I wouldn't have coffee and I'd be miserable and probably litter more - I got him to carry our recycling bin out to the curb. Yeah - now we see who really cares about the environment you fucking idiot.   
  When I was thirteen a playboy bunny lived around the corner from me. No shit. They have to live somewhere. We would walk by her house hoping to see her. In a bizarre twist that life loves to deal out, her brother was not right in the head. He would sit on the porch and when young girls walked by he would stand up and drop his pants. He was the yang to her ying. You never knew what you would see when you walked by the house. It was one of those ugly/beautiful things like why did they put the asshole next to the vagina?  
   chelsea pete and i are running home from the haymarket bus up bloomindale st late one night to the sound of gun shots fucking heroin wars i look back and see him sauntering what the fuck i say your gonna get yourself killed he said look at us we are the people that others are afraid of i agreed as we walked up the unplowed street       
  Well not really my moment... I worked at a Chicago tribune agency that was shared by my stepfather and this other guy. Well this other guy was drunk 24 hours a day.   One day in the office they share the drunk jumped up all of a sudden and runs to the bathroom... As we wonder why my, brother goes over to the chair and sees a big shit stain all over it... you can guess what happened, it was still fresh too. Drunk came out of the bathroom and cleaned off the chair and still used it. ewwwww   
  We have enough youth;  how about a Fountain of Smart?   
  My night in Santa Monica had been so bad, that in order to redeem it, I had my fortune told by Sister Clara Claravoyant.  A psychic cat.  I still have the fortunes.  
  My friend's house was built by a porn star. Tacky props and mirrors on the ceiling. Set away down in a ravine. It was THE BEST party spot ever. At one of many said parties, a few of us figured it'd be cool to smoke a joint and jump on the trampoline. So we get through the first part of the plan and head over to the trampoline. At 3am, it gets slick with dew. We were jumping and all having fun when one of my friends says "Betcha can't dooo a flipp". I got all defensive and throw back "Betchu I fuggin' cann!".   I did the flip. Sideways and off the trampoline.  
  yeah so what i love my wife go be jaded somewhere else you cheating lying assgrabbing hypocriticaldont know what you want so you cant get what you want bastard jese man some people will piss on anyones parade just to get attention or to make their feeble bullshit lives seem important i dont care about your f ed up life he just sat there looking at me in horror guess i overplayed that hand a bit        
  i was in barnes and noble in oakland the other day with my boy snow in the magazine section looking at "gentlemen magazines" and i was reading the new maxim when i looked up and noticed a little kid about 6 years of age scaling the magazine rack. he managed to get on the top and the first thing he did was reach for the issue of high times with bob marley on the cover holding a joint. he made his way down the magazine rack and ran to his friend who looked about 6 too and then they ran off reading the magazine.  im really worried about the next generation of kids.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fucking rank.  I asked her if her fart was realy hot and airy.  She said yes.  Well the next time your fart feels like that, I said, pull the covers down because that funk sticks around in the sheets.  
  We threw a party at our Edinburgh commune. Lots of people.  My buddy Chris and I thought it would be cool to have a "happening."   We turned all the lights off except for a flashing yellow construction zone light, and we put on the "Sgt. Pepper" album, but only the inside groove, where it endlessly repeats something like:   "I never fuck you any other way, I never fuck you any other way..."  A couple of hours later, Chris and I decide to do something else.  Is when we discovered we were alone.  
  BrewPub, late at night. I walk in, but there's only two customers there, and the barmaid is the same one who I asked to play my Biker Joe Warren CD, enticing her with some of the song titles, like "Hershey Highway," and "I Just Wanna Fuck You One More Time." I figure that barmaids' skin must be an inch thick, given their work environment, but hers wasn't. So I've got some work to do before she and I are level again. I turn to leave, but the couple in the corner beg me to stay and talk. No problem -- the woman is  exactly  my type: tall, skinny, intelligent, strong-featured, lots of unkempt dark hair... yum. Early on, I realize that these two guys are  crazy  for each other, and sweet as hell to watch together, so I back off and go into pure, weightless flirting mode. This is not the sports bar, no arm-wrestling here. So of course I offer to arm-wrestle for her. She giggles and loves it, but it's hard to get a 31 year-old to blush. I ask if they're married. They are. Me: "You just lucked out then, buddy. Because otherwise, she would be mine." They both laugh at that one, looking at each other with pure love. We're having fun. This is their 4th anniversary. Me: "4 down, 3 to go..." She: "Everybody tells us that! Why?" (because it's the sad truth, you gorgeous woman...) We talk brewpubs. They're from Joisey, and on a tour. I give them some local tips. Grand time. They make to leave. I invite them to play pool, down the street. They seriously consider it. She: "He's very good." Me: "I hope so. You  know  what the bet would have to be." He laughs, She giggles. No blush, yet. I shake his hand, warmly. I've enjoyed his company. I take her hand, stare deep in her eyes, and say "enchante." She giggles  and  blushes. Yes! I whisper to her: "Don't have children, and call me in three years, OK?" She blushes like a teenager, and won't let go of my hand...  
  my roommates and i (three guys plus me, the token girl) go out barhopping. our goal? to each bring someone home, then compete for orgasms.   (backstory: we have a little chalkboard on the back of our bathroom door for weekends for just this purpose.)  well, three of us succeed in getting fuckworthy people over for the night.   (to his credit, our fourth housemate went home with a rather nice lady, but the points only count if they're scored in the house)  so the three of us are doing our things. in our rooms.  and after each time, we all race to the bathroom to chalk one up.  now, i'm way ahead at this point immediatley preceeding the lowbrow moment. (i've got three, the others have two each). well, i'm drunk, i'm proud and i'm competitive.  so i start knocking on doors to add a new rule. we called up all the partners and told them they could add their orgasms to our totals. the guy i was with stepped up and proudly marked three slashes. neither of the girls stepped up.   of course, my roommates are flabbergasted, seems these girls were pretty good actresses. my roommates are determined to increase their scores, now we're competing for partner-orgasms.  interesting how nobody else put points on the board all night.  and now you know why i don't fuck my housemates.  
  You know your breasts are too big when your bra sets off the metal detector at the airport.  
  they began to wrestle over the sunglasses in the middle of the parking lot. they were evenly matched- one was taller and skinnier and the other was shorter and more stout. I think I spent the whole time laughing at them. that is, right after I grabbed the sunglasses for myself.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Beastiality is not a perversion, it is a delicate science, . . . as well as my favorite hobby!        
  A guy asked me for directions today. I couldn't understand a word he said. His hat was on sideways, and he had a big gold chain, so I figured it was just some unintelligible form of ebonics.  Then I noticed the hearing aid. He wasn't a gangsta hoodlum. He was just deaf.  
  The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments  We decide it's time for some tequila shots, so we head to the bar to see if they're equipped with shot glasses. They are not, but they'll serve us shots in regular glasses.  Sweet.  Especially sweet when they decide that a regular-sized glass filled up halfway is about the same as a shot. But we're timid little chicas and I split mine with Barb.  We had to split it several times, and even with all that splitting I still threw up something resembling portabello mushrooms while I was taking a bath the next morning. When the hell did I eat portabello muchrooms?  
  diarrhea, uh. uh. diarrhea, uh. uh.  when you're running into first, and you feel a juicy burst  diarrhea, uh. uh. diarrhea, uh. uh.  when you're running into second and your ass feels all infected  diarrhea, uh. uh. diarrhea, uh. uh.  when you're rounding into third and you feel a juicy turd  diarrhea, uh. uh. diarrhea, uh. uh.  when you're sliding into home and your pants begin to foam  diarrhea, uh. uh. diarrhea, uh. uh.  
  after the abortion, I told my boyfriend there's always a chance I won't be able to get pregnant again. I asked him if he's sure he still wants to marry me, since he has this big idea of wanting a family and all. he said "yes, of course!" and I thought for a minute then added:  "well, we can always have a few cats, give them kids' names, dress them up in baby clothes, and go to sears for a family portrait. you can even have little photos of them in your wallet to show people!"   I'm sure he felt a lot better after I said that.  
  One year at a summer camp that employed the large green chem-pots for latrines.  We had a camp guide he was a few years older than the rest of us and when he went into one of the toilets we put our knowledge of lashings and knots to uselocking him in the "kybol" (shitter).  As if that wasnt bad enough we left him there to go work on camp stuff for the day.  He hated us after that.  But we just laughed & laughed about it.  I felt bad a few yaers later.       
  "1959 Chevrolet El Camino, now that is one sweet baroque ride" I said to my fellow full size Ford fan.    
  The other day I had a cold and was drinking a sort of cough-reducing tea out of a Starbucks cup. A girl I know asked what kind of coffee I was having and I told her it was heated up cough syrup, just to see how she'd react. She gave me funny look and asked, in all sincerity, "They SELL that at Starbucks?"  
  He's all sad because of his 7-day business trip to the other side of the country. "I'm really going to miss you." he says. I'm too busy calculating how many nights I can go out with Caroline & the girls, how much weed I need to buy from my dealer, how many packs of butts are left in my freezer, if my hottie black pants are in the laundry or not... "Hmm? Oh yeah, me too hon..." I'm like a kid who can't wait for her parents to go on vacation.  
   Taking a glance around the room, my eyes fell upon the upturned bottle of Mexican beer.  All i could see of his face was the underside of shin and with a backdrop of light, curly hair. He continued to hold the bottle to his mouth until the entire bottle was emptied, glug, glug down his throat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In 7th grade orchestra class this one guy showed me a joke where you hold your fingers in an "o" shape and said,"you know what this is? beaters cramps, get it?" well I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Turns out the punchline is "how often". I wasn't sure what to make of all that and one day I formed my hand into the "o" shape around my dick. Then I started moving it a little and sure enough **BAM** I had my first orgasm. Wow, am I ever glad I finally got that joke.  
  I'd been working at my new job for a few weeks when one of my supervisors asked me what school I went to.  "Prophetstown," I said.  "Really! I graduated from there! Class of 1980! Who are some of your teachers?"  I tried to think of some teachers who would have been there when she was in school. I named a couple, and she nodded her head and smiled.  Then I remembered "Tuna" Ballew, the 200 lb hairy beast of a woman who is the consumer education teacher. She earned her nickname because she always smelled like fish.  "Do you remember Miss Ballew?" I asked.  "Tuna?" she replied.  It's good to know there are a few traditions still around.        
  my girlfriend had some kind of a yeast infection which she seemed to get at the drop of a hat.  it had come to not bother me but she wouldn't give it up.  so i told her that cool yogurt would feel good in up there.   three days later she jumps out of bed to go buy some at the store.  makes me apply it.  which i ended up doing with my dick.  she really had wanted it and this was her twisted way.  which i knew, or else i wouldn't have mentioned the yogurt to begin with.  it was fucking great.  but i'll never be able to look at yogurt again and not get hard.  swear to god.  
        If one were to post a "To whom it may concern" scuicide letter here on lowbrow, howmany people would actually take it seriously, and howmany would simply laugh?  
  sitting at a subway on sunset blvd. "hey" josh points out, "thats where river phenox died!"  ill be damned!  
  hows this for lowbrow, i helped this older woman (id say 55ish)to hook up a new, 56k usrobotics modem to her older than shit computer, installed aol for her, got her all set.  she asked me if she needed to tunr off the modemwhen she wasnt using it, i said prolly not, it shouldnt hurn anything...  fastforward 3 weeks to an electrical storm, power surges, modems on, sure enough it gets toasted.  so, she wants to return it, cause shes only had it a little while and she never used it.  i manage to convince her that best buy would never go for some stupid shit like that (couldnt say it like that, but damni wish...).  so, she has me come back over to see if i can fix it.  theres no way in hell, but i go over just to be nice.  when i get there, she showes me the "replacement" modem she bought at best buy, so she has me hook that one up for her, puts the toasted one back in the box and tells me shes gonna go return it to the store for her 100$ back.  i dunno.  its just what i would have done in her shoes, but then again, im not a 50-some year old old woman....whole thing kinda weirded me out...tole her good luck...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         /* Sometimes I feel like I should place everything I say into comments, when I'm feeling like everything I have to say is trite, if not blatant plagiarism; so that I can say anything without consequence; but I worry that, lacking the strict routine of a compiler or interpreter, human people might evaluate my comments regardless of the punctuation as intended and legitimate; neither // nor /*...*/ nor # will save me now. */ 20 May 2001  
  It is a California state law that if you're female, attractive, and you live in Sacramento, you must have at least one major psychological disorder.  Out of common courtesy, it is frowned upon to let any possible suitors be aware of this disorder until you've been sleeping together for 3 months.  But then, buddy, the shit hits the fan.  Just so's y'all know.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lazy, bratty, soon-to-be-ex-stepdaughter asks: "What you making?" Me: "Tom Yung Goong." She, dubiously: "Do I like it?" Me: "Yes, as much as you like Tom Kha Gai..." She: "Yeah! That was great!" Me: "...which means you like it enough to eat it, but not enough to put the leftovers in the 'fridge and clean the pot." She: "Hunh?" (I have come to hate that syllable over the last seven years) I nod towards the pot that's been sitting on the counter for the last three days. She lifts the lid: "Ewwwww... do I have to clean that?" Me: "I'll make you a deal: Next time you make me dinner, I'll wash your dishes, OK?" It would be a satisfying moment, but I don't think any of it got through to her. I can't wait to get out of this place...  
  last night, walking back to my apartment, i saw a limousine sporting a clever vanity plate, parked diagonally across four spaces in the k-mart parking lot.  carefully putting my food-stamp-purchased groceries down, i picked a nail up from the ground, and propped it up underneath a tire. i went home and slept like a baby  
  mr jaffee do you think that failure to define oneself in lessthan threedimensional terms along a continuum denotes non existence or an inability to see the forest through the trees big ol honkin questionmark do tell        
  I once got revenge on a co-worker that pissed me off by posting his work phone number a lost monkey flyer (offering a $500 reward)and putting them up all over the city.  I had no idea how many people found monkeys on a daily basis in a city as big as Tampa.  Almost as many that want to date a 18 year old blonde nympho.  Too bad poor Steve didnt think it was funny. Id still have a job.  
  We were out in the woods on one of those "Get-the-fuck-away-from-society-before-you-go-postal-on random-people" camping trips.  me and Chubby and the Pollack and Weiner and Mammal are standing around the fire playing "Can-You-Top-This".  "oh I ate this and puked" or "I ate that and puked" and then I laid out, in near pornographic detail, the story about being in OHenry's one winter when the front heater was cranking and how Mikey , after a round of Cuervo, had puked on Mos back and in some girls hair and how Mo puked on the radiator which made me blow chunks all over PD's legs and Mikey's shoulder and how the whole bar was suddenly permeated with the smell of churl which set off a domino effect of chuckmonkeys, spewing dinner onto the unsuspecting floor and their friends.  The Pollack turned his head a blew his hotdogs all over Mammals new boots. Although I was deemed the winner, I can't shake the feeling that it's something I wished I had lost.      
  a quote from an article in gloucestershire's the citizen, dates july 22, 2003: "McDonald's yesterday insisted it was not the work of Satan."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         going through airport security in rio de janeiro, heading north to vitoria. i empty my pockets and take off my belt... metal detector still goes off. the armed guard summons me in portuguese and scans me with the hand-held, which beeps frantically as it passes over my cargo pocket. what the fuck? i think... "what is metal in pocket?" in broken english... "nothing... i don't know... really..." i had no idea what it could be, and am visibly nervous, what with the language barrier and machine guns around... other guards approach, eyeing me up. "empty pocket now," one says. so i do. and realize the wrappers on the 15 condoms i hold are made of foil. they laugh. if you ever go to rio, you, too, will need lots of rubbers.  
  i've been a vegetarian for four years; i haven't bought any type of animal skin in two...  a year ago, i spent about a week searching for attractive vegetarian shoes...  a month ago, i found these REALLY cute creepers made of leather; i bought them...  all my friends have assumed they're animal friendly, amazed at how realistic they are...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when I grandfather died my grandmother took it pretty hard and died on the morning of his funeral. This left us with a double header and a shortage of pallbearers.  I got an insight into the industry during the pre-service pep talk.  "Always carry the box.. using the wood parts for a grip.. the handles are just metallised plastic and will snap off.. spilling the stiff onto the floor" ..  shit.  Next time you are at one.. take a close look at the guys. Is it a cheap affair?  Also.. hearing the top 40 leak into the PA during the service is a bit of a low moment.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         3 am we finished peeing on all 4 trees in the back yard.  as we were zipping up, he chuckled and said "yep, that'll confuse the dogs when they wake up tomorrow morning!"  
  best quote from my sister  "pack another one" she said  i look and find that its the corner bag blues...sigh..."well, do you wanna pack a little now and the rest later?"  she stares at me shocked....  "would you rather get a little high twice....or really stoned once?"  ahhh, pure wisdom passed down from your elders.....  
  I don't drink, but I've been drunk twice.  The first was for fun (it wasn't).   The second was to see if it would drown my problems (it didn't). However, I learned a valuable lesson.   Olde English 800, for 1.59 a quart, can get you pretty fucked up if you beer bong two quarts in a row. It also leaves you with a 36 hour hangover.  
  Being 16, here goes one of my only experiences with alcohol:  Open the bottle, knock it back, stupid grin on face...pulling the bottle back grin replaced with a look of muffled disgust I've permanently worn since then. No, I don't hate the beer. I just hate the taste of beer when it's as I found out a few minutes later been expired for two years.  
  The mall has several regular mall hoboes, but the most noticeable one looks like a low-rent version of Elvis. He wears women's stretch slacks and gaudy nylon shirts unbuttoned down his bulging beer paunch. He has sideburns that curl around almost to his nose, oiled and greased into shape, as is his towering pompadour. He's always sitting next to the events stage, holding court to the lesser hoboes, usually loudly declaiming his fabulous past or his conspiracy theories.  Today I saw him hand in hand with a woman, and I thought how sweet, hobo Elvis got a girlfriend. She looked just like Yoko Ono on crack.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How cool it would be if I could get a set of custom designed silverware with two tiny naked females entwined and kissing on every handle.        
  i'm actually considering taking my shirt off, writing the url for this site on my tits and taking a picture. then i would proceed to send it in and pray that it doesn't get deleted. all for free matches. hrmmmm...  
     She pushed me down into her car, and laid me on my back. She straddled me, got a really devilish grin, and said "Want a Q-tip?"      I, of course, accepted.   
  I understand the rationale behind open container laws, but sometimes they just force me to chug a beer so I can get on the road.  
  My contacts are killing me. Must be a bit of dust or something in my eye.  I thought it looked like I had pink-eye. I expected everyone to shun me, afraid of catching it.  No one thought I was sick, my friends all thought I was stoned, and holding out on them.  What does this say about my reputation?  
  I love when linguistics students say that they talk good.    
  Who ever came up with the idea to have low water consumption tiolets should be made to use a privy.  
  my roommate is questioning her ability to be a good BLANK  and i'm trying to reassure her she's one of the best BLANKS i've ever BLANKED  but she won't believe me because she says i haven't BLANKED enough BLANKS to know  or at least not the BLANKS she's comparing herself to  and there's no conveying that BLANKS by definition can't be compared  so i promise her i'll BLANK the other BLANK she's worried about  just to legitimize my ability to judge her BLANKNESS.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Suspended was all the principal said to me, and I don't blame him. I mean if the toilet paper roll that I lit on fire and chucked at another student actually made his skin burn like his jacket did, then i can see the point in pressing charges.  Nobody likes jocks anyways.   
   Guys -- Get Into Cooking If You Know What's Good For You  My new crush is sobbing on the 'phone about having to prepare dinner for guests who are due any moment. She hasn't even started. I guess she's a little dysfunctional about cooking. Her skills hopefully lie :-) elsewhere, but I haven't been able to wheedle an invite even into her home, forget about her arms. She: "My friends are black, so I wanted to make roast chicken! But all the store had was a cut-up chicken! You can't roast that! Besides, it would take two hours..." sob, sob.  (Sheesh -- I wonder if she was "sensitive" enough to buy grits, chitlins and watermelon, too?)  Me: "Did you actually buy the cut-up chicken?" She, sob, sob: "Yes..." Me: "Good. I'm inviting myself to dinner. Dump the chicken into a pot of cold water with a cup of salt in it and stick it in the 'fridge. Start the side dishes. Twenty minutes after I arrive you will have excellent roast chicken on the table." She, hopefully: "You can really do that?" Me: "That's the least I can do." I'm as good as my word (guys, I'll even send you the recipe if you like :-) Later, she throws her arms around me, yum: "Oh, THANK YOU! You really bailed me out! How can I ever repay you?" Oh, I'm just such an honourable knight in shining armour, ain't I? Yup -- it's sorta like hiring the fox to guard the chicken-house...  
  Went on a business trip to holland with this woman from my office. I saw these humongous wall-like structures by the hiway and said to her "So those are the famous dykes of holland!"  She got all indignant and snapped "I think they are called dams now."  How was I supposed to know she was a dyke?  
  Reading "Modern Drunkard" and thinking, yeah, it's pretty funny when that happens.  
  so i showed a friend this site and they lambasted my ass for being lame and reading this crap etc but hes still on my laptop click click click click obviously lamness is communicable click teehee click        
  Hey, that happened to me, I really vomited on the bus. But it wasn't the city bus. It was the night bus that joins my city with the recreation zone (where all the pubs and discos are). It was time to get home so we jumped on in, after an all-you-can-drink night. It was really full of people. I was standing up. There was a female friend next to us, and she was with another friend. Not just that I couldn't even simply salutate her because of my drunkness... I shooted a fountain of vomit to my friend's friend. On the bus. Full of people. I cannot remember anything more. Just that it was time after the ambulance took me to Emergencies because of my drunk state.   
  All bow ties and vest, the waiters fluttered around the upper class, soberpatrons.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
        i had sex with you, though i didn't feel any desire to. just a short drive and it was happening. it didn't mean anything because the whole time i was thinking how pathetic we both are to be this needy. the whole 7 minutes i was wondering how i'd tell you that i couldn't stand talking to you anymore.  
  so i'm out with my first boyfriend and he leans in to give me my first kiss. he told me that he would kiss me again in 5 years when i get my braces taken off. his friends told him how painful it was to kiss someone with braces. he didn't listen.  
  I using the restroom on this particularly shitty Sunday afternoon at work and noticed a funny cloud near the ceiling. I figured that someone was smoking in the bathroom again. When I was washing my hands I realized that it didn't smell like smoke. For a brief moment I imagined that my employers were piping some sort of gas in throught the ventilation system, that I could get high and THEN sue them. That was until I took a deep breath and recognized the artificial rose blend that my grandma uses in her bathroom.  Fucking automatic air fresheners.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to watch my wife put on her bra.  
  One day, many years, ago I was shaving my legs in the shower.  My brother walked in needing to use the can.  My parents house has only one bathroom, so it's not unusual.  He sat down then through the curtain asked "What are you doing?"  Annoyed I answered "Shaving my legs."  There was a few seconds of silence, then he asked "Can I watch?"  And our parents wonder why I hate him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm sitting there out in the middle of nowhere - Bumfuck Wisconsin - thinking 'Just how do all these people live out here?'  And then I'm looking around at places like 'Cracker Barrel' & 'The Great Waldo Peppers Saloon and Pizzaria', and I realize - My God - this could be me, stuck bagging groceries at the 'Piggly Wiggly' and swilling cheap piss-beer while watching the Packers...  And I get scared.  Very Scared.  It makes you realize how special it is to be a geek.  And that's a good thing.  
  Teacher:  don't forget about writing your term paper.  I won't take any excuses unless you have a horrible personal illness, if there is a death in your immediate family, or if there is nuclear war.  Student:  what if i came in tomorrow and said i couldn't write it due to sexual exhaustion?  Teacher:  In that case, you'd have to write with your other hand.  
  she stopped for a second holding her word half said dangling and then looked down at her breasts the four guys standing in front of her hung on that unspoken syllable asthe stared at her chest as well she had them all by the nuts there was going to be a fist fight over her later when the beermuscles got turned on she knew it when she looked up and saw them all staring at her hardening nipples she loved it  i caught her eye she looked away and blushed blushed exclam point busted intrinsic value hath no meaning when a woman doth beguile         
  Grocery clerk entry #23: A lady came through my line today buying all kinds of cat stuff.  Toys with catnip, a scratching post, cans of gourmet food.  I asked if she got a new cat. No.  She forgot to feed her neighbor's cat over the weekend and they were pissed. "How is the cat?" I asked. "I have no idea, but my friends are very angry. I hope this will help." So why the fuck is she trying to bribe the cat?  
  I had a very boring job at college. The job was to watch over a cluster of computers that other students could use and help them with various technical problems. At this particular cluster though, nobody ever went to it. So nightly when I would close I would masturbate into a trash can while looking at porn on the net because there were no tissues around.  
  when i was in germany, i went on my first beer run at 16, with some other guys for their first time too  on the way back, my friend tried to translate the label on one of the bottles of german beer  "nope, don't know what that means... no... no... nope... ahhh wait: 'premium'!   that means 'good.'"  which we all laughed at, and someone wrote down, to immortalize on the internet  and then he said: "i'm funny when i'm stupid"  
  I'm 24 and my momms is around 60. The other day in my momms attempt to be cool and hip (actually about 11 years too late) looks at me and says.... "oh yeah, YOUR MOMMA!!!"   I just looked at her and said "You're my mom."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend of mine is taking an exam in college.  He's in a lecture class.  Prolly about 300 or so students.  All of a sudden, the girl next to him screams out, "Stop copying my test!"  The professor hears this and summons them both to the front.  He compares the tests.  There was no cheating.  The girl was about as intelligent as a llama's asshole and my friend's a pretty smart guy.  The professor separates them anyways and my friend finishes the test.  After class he asks the girl what the shit her problem is.  She tells him, "Only Jesus can save your soul.  You need to come to our weekly meetings."  She then walked off.  Now I understand why religious fanatics were burned at the stake.  
  so i'm at steak and shake with my soon to be boyfriend and my buddy meg.  so they start reciting quotes from "Clerks" in the loudest possible voices they could. i mean "MY GIRLFRIEND'S SUCKED 37 DICKS!!!" at very high volume is not a fun time.   
  I went up to the bar, here in Mississippi, the othernight and there was this standard-issue bearded burn-out.  He was trying hard to be wreckage from 'Nam.  Except he was confused and got carried away and told us all that he'd crashed his chopper here a couple nights ago and was sleeping on the street until his buddies could come get him.  He leaned over to the guy on the next stool and said, "You speak gook?"  The guy shook his head no.  So the burnout went on to say that his job was to kill P.O.W.s.    I took his picture and the flash spooked him.  He said he was going to bust me like Humpty-Dumpty.  Hmmm... to think I was contemplating sobriety.    
  Not to sound gay, but there is nothing funnier than watching my neighbor (an obese ogre) masturbate while crying to himself.  
  It's raining and cold as fuck, but I still need a cigarette and my college put into effect a new rule prohibiting smoking in the dorms. So I'm smoking a drenched clove cigarette wearing my black trenchcoat while my black eyeliner and black lipstick melt from my face.  I should mention that I go to one of the most prestigious all-women colleges in the country. Barbara Bush went here.  Then I realise:  I'm a gothic transexual smoking in front of the dorm where Mrs. Bush, herself, lived.  She can suck my prosthetic cock.  
  Problem: your tub is clogged, you're in a dorm and you don't have anything to get that hair out with  Solution: once you've poured every chemical that you have (i.e. bleach, comet, and soft scrub) down the drain, you being a resourceful girl, you dump a bottle of Nair down the drain.   So the moral is: even if that shit burns your legs, don t just throw it away, just use it as drain-o!  If you don t have Drain-O, use Nair!!   
  Prozac causes problems with your sex drive. This is a documented fact.  Now if you are taking Prozac because you are depressed because you are a few pounds overweight, you then don't feel like sex much, even if your partner does.  So then, your twisted Prozac altered fucking mind starts thinking that "he does not want to make love to me because he thinks I am fat"  You eat more,  exercise less, get fatter,  more depressed and have less exciting sex. Endless vicous circle.  I hate Prozac.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me: well, that time out at the center with the computer monitor was funny me: even though I busted my damn car up him: how did you bust it at the center? me: the flat tire on that back road him: ohyeha him: but that was funny me: yeah, it was him: we got that on tape     
  i am so fucking sick of people saying "love...like, the biblical sence"  or shit like that.  the biblical euphimism is "know."  when adam "knew" eve, he fucked mer.  its that simple.  when god loved david, he did not fuck him.  jesus christ people are stupid.  a fuckin atheist and i know more about scripture then 2/3 of america...  
  my boss claimed that no one was smart enough to figure out what he was up to i presented a pile of rather incriminating documents to the exec director he got the axe i now have his office computer window secretaries and all the wonderful trappings of the almighty director  the job still sucks       
  So, Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for the suggestive designs and phrases printed on their children's thong underwear. What? So, as long as there's nothing suggestive printed on them, thongs are OK for 10-year-old girls? Jesus fucking Christ.  
  I just read oyoaoho's post about The Velveeta Rabbit, and I was touched.    
  she moaned of sickness. et tu? i sympathetically moan, for i, too, have been feeling a bit under the stormy weather. she to i: yea man im sicker than katie's pussy wow.  for those of you who don't know katie, she won.  
   I remember in school the whole class was reading an article about a woman who often talked to her plants. It said that they bloomed over night because she told them to grow. I could have sworn I heard the girl next to me talking to her breasts... whatever  
  i spooge in my eye and love it.....  help me  
  For the last five years, when the weather gets really warm, some asshole hops a curb and drives through the neighborhood park. He does it late on Saturday nights. I live two house from the park, so I setup a webcam to try and catch the jerk. No good. The police told me that the offense was so minor that they could not cite him unless they actually saw him do it.  I then toyed with the idea of laying a puncture strip accross his favorite entry point. Cooler heads prevaled.  Last night he flipped his truck when it hit a really soggy spot in the turf. All I could say was, "Boy, I wish I had thought of that!"   
  Just after the fall of Kabul, some American reporter is interviewing an Afgani youth about his favourite pop music star.  He: "Abdul Abdahassadar"  She: "Have you heard of Britney Spears?"  He: "No"  She: "Oh, if you saw a picture of her, you'd  LOVE  her! I guarantee it!"  Listen, bimbo: Incredible as it must seem to you, not  EVERYBODY  in the world finds lip-synching, silicon-inflated, vapid little soft-porn stars attractive.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I didn't have any Salt & Vinegar chips and I was really stoned.  Plain potato chips dipped in vinegar don't quite taste as good...  
  at the local family restaurant, i'm in the bathroom. i look in the mirror, and notice a big pimple right above my right eyebrow. so i do what comes naturally. i squeeze. there soon comes a small but violent ejection of pimple goo, flying about a foot through the air and hitting the mirror. Remembering how long pimple goo stayed on my mirror at home when i tried to wipe it off with my finger, I look around casually, and then proceed to use said pimple goo to draw a big smiley face on the mirror. you know, acne doesn't look very good, but it sure is a lot of fun.  
  My girlfriend calls and says, "I need to talk."  I tell her that I am studying for a test. "Can we talk tomorrow?"  "What is more important, me or the test?"  "This test only happens tomorrow. If I flunk it, I lose a year of my life waiting to take the class again. Your problem will still be here tomorrow. Let's talk about it after the test."  Funny thing: when I called her after the test, she did not want to talk. Guess I made the right decision.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Supposed to go to the neighborhood block party this weekend (Memorial Day). Supposed to bring potato salad. Supposed to make nice with all these idiots and their rancid  spawn, so the neighborhood can (as the flyer said) "come together in a spirit of love and harmony while remembering fallen heroes". Supposed to forget about the times your moron kids tortured my cat or the time you made fun at my expense because I don't dress the same as you all (Kmart, anyone?) or because I don't give a shit about your god (stop stop STOP telling me I'm going to hell because I don't think like you do). Not supposed to piss in the potato salad before I take it over there. Oopsie.   
  My second date with this chick, and we went to Ted Drews, an ice cream place in St. Louis, MO.  I got a strawberry concrete and they make them really thick.  Everytime I get one I hold it upsidedown because it doesn't come out.  I told her, "You know the best thing about thier concretes?", she said "no".  I held my cup upside down over her head...she became the sweetest girl I know in about 2.5 seconds.  I tried my hardest not to lick it up...  That ice cream isn't cheap..  
  They tell us not to smoke. They tell us not to have sex. They say we're headed for destruction.  Then they go and pack their guns and bombs together and turn out the bedroom light as they head for the door.  Ways of the few affecting the many are inbalanced. There will be a new way.  Irene is coming.  
  Cecil and I were sitting in the living room watching TV when Judy, Cecil's friend walked in.  Judy was a tiny wizened ex-prostitute and former junkie.  She and Cec were old friends.  Her face was flushed and laughing. She asked me for a cigarette.  "Thanks hon," she chortled. "Shelly and me  tried to get enough money for a pack by offering any guy in the bar a blow job, but no one would pay up."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          More Fun With Metal Detectors  Cute cop. Awfully cute cop. As my stuff comes through the detector and I re-pocket it, I say: "You realize that this is all stupid. I mean - look at this cellphone here. It could easily be a disguised gun, and you would never know." She: "Oh, you just don't know how good this equipment is! Watch!"  She takes my cellphone and runs it through again, while showing me the display. I'm astonished that the machine can see right through the metal case and into the innards. But then I look more closely. Me: "That's great! But what if I was like John Malkovich, and I made a gun barrel to look exactly like that battery there, and made the trigger look just like that hinge? Thanks for showing me this!" She quickly shuts off the monitor, casts a worried glance around at the other cops, and goes all professional on me. I guess there's no point in asking for her phone number...   
  Late in the year in grade 12, our regular physics classroom was being painted and our class was moved to a different room I had never been in before.  Not long after I had taken my seat I read the following grafitti on the top corner of my desk:   "Hire the handicapped.  They're fun to watch."  for whatever reason at that instant this became the funniest thing I had ever read and I burst out laughing.  By myself.  All eyes suddenly focussed upon me and my physics teacher asked me to "share with the rest of the class" what I thought was so funny.    Apparently I was the only kid in high school who didn't know Mr. Carlmutti had a son who was retarded.  That was definitely a lowbrow moment.  
  I once snorted FUN-DIP as a dare.  It hurt and my nose bled.    
  After 20 some odd years of wiping my ass, I have a pretty good idea of what my asshole looks like.  Not that I care, but after a while it is just one of those things that you can visualize.  I've never looked to see if I am right, though.  It is like asking if Santa Claus is real or not.   One of those fairy tales bubbles you don't want to pop......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember this Rally's commercial that started playing a few years ago and still does.  It's a series of fake testimonials from various "Man on The Street" types.  The guy, who is dressed like an idiot, says "You feel as if you are eating A-1 quality meat!"  Right there in the commercial, they have the balls to tell you that you are NOT, in fact, eating good meat, nor will you ever.  I guess I admire their gall, but I sure don't eat there anymore.    
  I always see decals on car windows.  A lot of times they'll be advertising websites like www.speedoptions.com or just put up websites they're interested in.  I say someone makes lowbrow decals.  I'd sport one.  If I ever see another lowbrower we can exchange the quiet, confident glance of someone who understands how stupid the human race is.  
  While chatting with a friend the other day, he happened to mention the fact that he was amused by the lack of Lowbrow moments posted by me.  Thinking nothing of it, I explained that I do post there, just under a different e-mail.   But now that I give that conversation more thought, did he want to sample my writing, or do you suppose he thinks my life is...*ahem* made of the stuff worh being broadcast on Lowbrow?  :-)   
  This morning, as I pulled into the gas station, I noticed part of my hair was sticking up on the side.  As I filled my tank, I tried to get it to lay down by running my fingers through it, with no luck.  A little spit on the hand also failed to get the hair to stay down.  So I stuck my hand in the filthy water people use to wash their windshields, and put some of that on my hair.  That got it down.  
  3:00 am, hot summer night all the windows open in my apartment  got up to get a drink, did not turn on the lights  happened to look out the front window at the house across the street and noticed a car "backed" into the driveway  i also noticed that everytime a car would pass by, this "parked" car would flash the parklights quickly on then off  stood back watching like for 45 mins while about 7 or 8 cars passed and the car flashed it's parklights  finally decided that they were robbing the house (that's why they were backed in, for a quick get away) and the quick flashing of the parklights when a car approached was a signal for the robbers  phone was in the living room, the windows were big and came close to the floor meaning in order to get to the phone without "them" seeing me i would have to lay on the floor and scoot over to the phone like a snake  dialed 911, talked quietly to the 911 lady as i did not want "them" to hear, and told her the story, car backed into driveway, secret signal of parklights flashing on then off when cars approached, and that the house was being robbed  15 minutes later a police car drives by, I peek up, the parklights flash on then off  a few minutes later the phone rings-damn- it's 911, police drove by... saw nothing..  I get up, peek out and it hits me,   the parklights are not flashing on and off, it's the reflection of the oncoming cars headlights  to make more of an ass out of myself I call 911 to tell them my discovery  and no I was not drunk   lmao   
  A friend and i went to boston to see a concert last summer.  We stayed at the appartment of another friend. The morning after the concert, i woke up and took the biggest shit of my life.  It was way down in the hole of the toilet and still sticking up above the water level.  I flushed 4 times, but it didn't even move, and there was no plunger at the appartment, so i left it and went back upstairs to find some cereal. Later, the friend that went on the trip with me asked if i had left that shit in the toilet.  I said that yeah, it was me.  He complimented the size and said that he had added four or five normal sized turds to the unflushable log. We left to catch our bus before chris (our host) woke up. We found out later (when chris finally spoke to us again) that he and his roommates had tried everything they could think of, including a bent wire coathanger to try to make the giant log flush, but had ended up having to just leave it to soak until it was soft enough to flush (three days i'm told) To this day, chris thinks that all that shit was mine, even the regular logs that eric added. I don't know if i should be proud of that or not...  
  Fuck WWJD. I mean, I'm a Christian and all, but really. I live by WWMD  What Would MacGyver Do?  
  As we walked past the jazz club I noticed that they had an open mike night and thought to myself "how  scary"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  When I went into work with my brand-new earring, my favourite lust-object co-worker (Hi, Sue!) took me by the shoulders, looked deep into my eyes, and said:  "Left is right; right is wrong"  Oops.  At least I then got to find out firsthand what homophobia sometimes looks like, and it certainly didn't seem to make women less interested in me...  
  It actually snowed here (I live in South Carolina) so of course they shut down the University and we all went out and played in the snow.  I noticed some guy smoking a cigarette.  It seemed like the coolest idea in the world, to stand there and smoke a cigarette in the snow.  So I bummed one off of him. I was right.  It was really fucking cool in some strange sensational way.  Smoke burning lungs, snow freezing feet, grey smoke curling up and out in front of me while a white carpet spread out in front of me.  I think for a moment, that was bliss.   Then I hit someone with a snowball.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you drive an obscenely expensive vehicle and take up two parking spaces so no one will get close enough to ding your doors... baby, you are just begging to get keyed.    I love it when they beg.        - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com     ----------------------------------------    If you keyed my car, and I caught you doing it, I'd skull fuck you until I could tickle your occipital lobe.  Think about that.   - alex@ystores.com  ---------------------------------------  alex, if that REALLY is your name, you are not wanted here on the 'brow. Leave and never come back, yuppie scum!  yaaah!  
  she lays in my bed with a strange look on her face.  i ask what's wrong.  promise you won't laugh.  i won't laugh.  well okay... i get really horny after my period.  and well i just finished having my period.  clothes come off.  kissing.  touching.  a moment of hesitation...  i ask if she really wants to do this since we're close plutonic friends.  i want to feel you inside me.  now.  look i don't really think we should do this cause i don't want anything weird between us.  clothes are put back on.  no kissing.  no touching.  i really fucked that one up.  
  experiment:  - take 2 match sticks;  - glue said match sticks into a cross;  - catch 2 flies, being careful not harm/kill/ridicule them;  - carefully glue said flies to said match stick cross (glue 1 fly at a time and gently hold him/her down while waiting for glue to dry);  - enjoy the marvel of the match stick aeroplane;   you can introduce your fly pilots to the bee's you have domesticated and leashed   
  One day my dad caught me jerkin' off and told me that i was going to go blind if i continued that is when i said "dad i'm over hear"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Even when it's snorted off a skanky bathroom floor at a giant amusement park, cocaine is still cocaine.  
  ok, so there are probably more unpleasant things than the excruciating pain and the charming sight of blood in your urine, but i don't have cystic fibrosis or a gunshot wound.  i have a urinary tract infection, and right here, right now, there is nothing worse.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he hit the button on the stereo and came back over to sit down.. we talked about life, old girlfriends, the nasty smell of asparagus.  i told him we needed some bean bag chairs.  
  This was the moment and conversation that convinced me to NOT become a fucking punk.  Dave: "Well, yeah I think I'm pretty healthy...I mean I'm a vegan, so that cuts back all the fats, I ride my bike to work everyday, I'm always jumpin around at shows...life's good." Me: "Yeah, I suppose so."  My thoughts: "Well you fucking idiot, considering that you haven't bathed or changed your clothes in 3 years and believe in "free love" I'd say you're a fucking dirty ass crab infested bum."  Dave: "So....wanna make out?" Me: "Sure."  
  So my summer job I worked at a BP really close to my house. These two guys who I had graduated with from high school the year before came by and asked me for directions to a house for a party. Well knowing the assholes that they were I sent them in the completely opposite direction just for the hell of it. I only later found out that they were headed to their three year old cousin's birthday party... they are probably still looking for that house...  
  Most people know what a dutch oven is. Farting under the sheets and trapping your girl below to 'inhale the perfume' is a time-honour practice. However, far fewer are aware of its little bastard cousin, the dutch pillow.  To prepare a dutch pillow, consume mass quantities of gas-producing foods. Once a suitable cloud of foul stench has been brewed, grab your woman's bed pillow. Now seat yourself on the pillow and, as you release your noxious fumes, stand up slowly, allowing the pillow to 'inhale' and trap the odour within. Gently replace the pillow. When your girl lays down to sleep, the weight of hre head will force the pillow to exhale, enveloping her in your stinky fart. It's like a timebomb of stinky goodness. Enjoy.  
  quoting the web ad for an upcoming teen movie  "Don't hate yourself because you're a loser; Hate yourself because everyone else hates you."  Truer words have never been written on web-publicity.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i remember my best friend and i were camping with her family. the bathrooms at the campsite were being redone or something, so there was nothing inbetween each toilet to give the person any privacy. so, the first morning we're there, we both run to the bathrooms to take our morning pisses. we realize there's no walls or doors or anything, so we're like "ah who really cares" and piss in toilets next to each other. 2 seconds later, while we're cleaning up. a pretty woman walks into the open bathroom with a book, pulls down her pants, sits down, and lets out the loudest & wettest farts i had ever heard. not bothered at all, opens up her book and begins to read. what the fuck?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Friday night I had drunk sex with this one guy...finishing with good ol' anal   Then Saturday I had sex with some other guy who liked to hit it from behind while I called him big daddy  Then Sunday there was that dude who came over and ate me out for hours and hours  Man I feel sorry for that poor bastard who came over on Sunday.  
  When I was in second grade I picked a large booger from my nose, and wiped it on the paper on the desk next to me.  What was more amusing to me was watching the other kids blame him for having a booger on his paper, some had even claimed to see him do it.    
  It's dark, and the pool is warm. I float on my back, watching the stars, almost believing in my weightlessness that I am adrift amongst them.  A sound catches my attention.  I turn my head.  Naked, she enters the pool.  The moonlight reveals the curve of her hip, the soft shape of her breasts, the smile on her face.  She moves towards me.  I roll forwards and towards her.  We touch.  The beer farts that had collected in my board shorts escape at last, breaking the surface between us in a stinking wave.  Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My craziest sex story? Probably the time I hooked up with the former Miss America finalist, who turned out to have been my 6th grade teacher.  Oops Or was it that party with the Brazilian boys? Hmmmm.  It was a fun party.   
  Her boss was talking to her but she wasn't listening. Her concentration was, instead, focused on the door of the bathroom, which held one stall and was always ful, since it serviced about 50 employeesl. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, every sense focused on the inevitable creaking of the door's hinges. She would win the race this time, oh yes.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  theres a microscopic silver mining town outside of reno reno has a sushi bar by the way like fish shipped that far will be worth eating raw and there are dudes who walk down the street with sixguns in holsters real six shooters loaded i thought  that would never work on the east coast         
  I'll take a huge bong hit, cough like hell and then drool about a half cup of siliva on the floor or ground. Every one tell's me this is gross and I should stop. It feels good so I don't give a fuck.   
  Training bras and related questions from some guy  1. Is it possible to train tits without the use of a training bra? 2. What are the major differences between English and Western training bras? 3. What sorts of practical things can tits be trained to do? 4. What happens if tits aren't trained? Do they grow up to be wild and/or incorrigible? 5. Has anyone every done a study of the recidivism rate for trained tits? 6. Is it better to train each tit individually or is team training more effective? 7. Should tits be given treats to reinforce training? 8. If treats are recommended, what kind of treats work best? 9. What is the optimal age to begin tit training? 10. Do both tits have to be the same age? 11. Are there such people as personal tit trainers and, if so, what are the prerequisites?  12. How long does it typically take to train an average set of tits? 13. Is there some sort of certificate that a person receives upon successful completion of training? 14. Is there any organization that combines tit training with obtaining a GED? 15. I know several older women with unruly tits. Is it every too late to, as they say, "teach an old tit new tricks"?   16. Is anyone aware of any study that compares and contrasts trained and untrained tits with potential lifetime income levels?  17. Is there such a condition as "untrainable" tits? 18. What about those newspaper ads I'm always seeing that read,"I will train any two tits for $39.95, some colors slightly more"?  19. If a woman's tits are two different sizes, is this an indication that one tit may have a larger intelligence capacity than the other? 20. Those different colored circles around nip-nips?...Should I be looking for those? Are they kinda like Good Housekeeping seals of quality?          21.What does it mean when a women says, "I'm having a bad tit day"?               
  My boyfriend at the time (now my ex, but not because of this incident!) and I had gone out and had an amazing Mexican food dinner.  I had Chille Relleinos and Tamales smothered in brown gravy.  I ate FAR too much, and could feel the food stuffed all the way up to my throat.  (It was REALLY good food!) So then we went home and started making out.  The making out lead to me giving him a blowjob.  I deep throated him a bit too much a few times, but I wanted to finish it, despite feeling a little nauseous.  As he began to cum, I remembered that he'd told me he had a fantasy about getting snowballed. For those who don't know, snowballing is when you kiss your lover and spit their cum into their own mouth. Well, when my mouth was full of his cum, I crawled up his body and kissed him, perparing to spit his cum into his mouth... ... and that's when I threw up. Pepper chunks, beef, corn, brown gravy, and cum, striaght into his mouth.  He, not realising what had happened, swallowed.  Then he noticed that there were chunks. I think he brushed his teeth for about 45 minutes. I laughed my ass off for two hours.  Feld bad, though. Now that I know him better, however, I don't feel the least bit guilty!  
  My dad used to have a bumper sticker on his truck that read, "I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet." ~puck~  
  "Talk to me in your Scottish accent, Daddy," my sweet, beautiful girl pleaded.  "Lassie, ye make me feel like a sick ould mon when ye osk me ta spake like a Scottisher!" I said, playing along. "Ah'll niver onnerstand this waird obsession ye have wit oxcents!"    
  i work in a candy store and we have like; maybe 4000 different sorts of candy in a room of about 16 m2. i must add that after counting i am quite certain we have at least 25 different kinds of lollies. so, one day a woman comes in, walks around for 5 minutes, picking up things and asking about every little detail. then she approaches me and asks an incredibly intelligent question: "excuse me: do you have any lollies here?" i mean: wake up and smell the coffee! where do you think you are??  later the same day, a man comes and asks me if i have any chocolate. what do you think i do with my life? i sell chocolate for christ's sake. that's why we have so much chocolate in here!!  maybe a small thing to others out there, but to me it can ruin a whole day.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was talking with my mom, a former 60's hippie (went to Woodstock and the whole shebang), about the transformation of the highschool drug dealer.    A quote from this:  Yeah, why the fuck would you take heroin when you can buy Valium, Prozak, and Riddlein, get almost as good a high for less then 10 percent of the price.  Aah... Now I understand why America's youth stopped talking to their parrents.  
  Last night I took a shit. I got up and turned around to admire my work... I had shat a bunch of little turdlets, about the size of a marble each. All had sunk to the bottom, except a single one that floated upon the surface as if to say  "I am the Jesus of poop!"  I contemplated life breifly, then flushed and returned to lowbrow.com  
  My roomates and I had a big party in our apratment. Lots of alchohol and chemicals all varieties. The early-morning hours all blended together and are difficult to recall. The last thing I do remember was Scott sitting in the armchair, lights-out except for LED-glow of the stereo. Mahavishnu Orchestra or maybe Coltrane. When I awoke late the next morning, he was gone, and all that was left aside from the usual party rubbish was a huge turd in the chair where he was last sitting.  At first we thought it was a practical joke. But it was real.  And it was huge! And not a pile of turd, but a single long and  perfectly fucking coiled crap. It was astounding! Even if you tried one couldn't manufacture anything like that that. It was probably two-and-half feet long  if it were laid end-to-end. We were perplexed. Aliens? Had he been turned into a pile of shit? When confronted, he denied responsibility. And it remains a mystery to this day......    
  I decided that if I'm ever in a terrible accident, and I end up losing a foot or something, instead of being all pissed off and depressed, I'm going to have fun with it.  I'm going to wear shorts so that just the tip of my nub sticks out.   Then, when I'm in line at the bank, I can touch the person in front of me with my nub, and act like it was an accident.  
  I used to know a girl who, instead of flipping off someone who cut her off on the road, would stick out her hand and point her thumb and index finger about a mm apart...hence, showing their small dicksize  Most people didn't really get it, but it was funny just the same  
  the stretch limo -- one, two, three, four, five windows, each laced with little lights -- neared the comedy club slowly. two girls emerged from the skylight, first the frosted hair, then the kohl-smeared eyes, then the mouths, which were by this time only coated with rings of lipstick around the mouth's outer edges, then a bottle of champagne, then almost-matching black satin bustlines. the bustline of the girl on the left dipped slightly further than her friend's -- clearly, she had spent the extra cash for the push-up bra.   "1998!!!" they screamed in unison, collapsing into a fit of giggles.   the limo stopped. they descended. a beat, and then they were out of the car and on their way into the club, makeup repaired, fuzzy navels waiting.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  i'm the oldest of three brothers. the youngest one is 11 years younger than me, so we didn't have the bonding moments that me and my other brother, two years younger, had.  for instance, while growing up i always remember finding something that could potentially be used to inflict pain, grabing it, and smacking myself (not too hard) in the arm or leg with it. you know, like sticks or car antennas or something.  then, i would say, 'hey, pete, does this hurt?' and usually wail him with it. i don't think the force with which i would often hit him was entirely intentional, but, consciously or subconsciously, the end result was usually the same.  you should have seen that fucker jump at that phrase after he got wise to it...  
  lying in bed... after sex with this girl I met a couple of weeks back.  she: "do you believe in aliens?" me:  "oh, well I don't know." she: "well they're coming, they're coming to take back the whales and the dolphins."  I've gotta stop cruising the SELF HELP section of Chapters.  
  I used to be "freaked" by feminine hygine products. The first time a girlfriend asked me to go get her some pads I felt very self consicous standing in the check out line.  A while later I was telling this to some cat I had just met and he told me he acts like they (pads, ect...) are a trophy, to be held high and proud. You know like "I'm getting pussy and my girl needs me sort of thing"  I've never had a problem since.  
  scene: a married couple are seing a psychologist. the woman starts...  "you know, since we've been trying to have a baby, i get so jealous when i see another woman in the street. my husband and i got so much closer than we've ever been before... this jealousy just eats me inside..."  and the man says: "oh love. you know, i love YOU. i can't control what other womans think, the way they look at me or the way the act towards me. but i can control myself. don't be jealous. i choosed YOU."  woman is surprised: "WHAT? no... i meant, when i see pregnant women, i feel so jealous and..."  
  I have a trunk full of happy meal toys. I have numerous collections of other shit I've collected over the years. I have to have at least one child. Who else am I gonna leave all that stuff to when I die?  
  "I don't love you and I probably have never loved you," she said to me when I came home from work.  Not something you want to hear on your 9th wedding anniversary.  
  One day, lowbrow.com got more than 65536 hits in a second, and then one of the moments was lost forever.  And I got to say: "don't say I didn't warn you!"       
  Sure!  I will fill your drinks.  It's not like my hands are full.  No your no inconvenience at all.  I don't mind making 25 trips for maybe a buck-fifty($1.50)  I don't mind at all.  Do you mind if I scratch my ass or pick my nose before I make your dessert?   Thanks for the buck-fifty! I bet you'll remember me tonight! ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI! ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI! ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI! ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI!ECOLI!  
  There is new a pool supply company that actively advertises on TV and radio where I live in Florida call (I'm crappin' you negetive) Poolife. Think about it. Not Pool Life. PooLife. I love it. If I had a pool, I'd buy my products from them just for the name.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          BrewPub Moment # 119  After months of scrabbling, I am finally in the money again! I walk proudly into the BrewPub, order a pint of their wonderful Pale Ale, and peruse the scene. Couple sitting next to me are of no interest. The guy is kinda neat, when he's on his own, but when he's with his woman, he's a little flaccid worm. Over at the tables, a cute woman catches my eye. She's with her man, and he doesn't know it, but he's on shaky ground, because she's broadcasting interest. I get generous, and decide to leave her to him (but only because she wasn't all that neat). Guy next to me finishes his water. Barmaid asks if he'd like another one. He: "Yes! I'd love one!" His lady: "Actually, we're leaving, so he doesn't need it. Can we have our check?" He pays up and they leave. I like the guy, when he's on his own. The barmaid comes over to clear away their drinks, and I say: "I have two words for you. Pussy-Whipped." She completely loses it. Another friend made.   
  You know the name game? Well, my word was always "Duck".  Of course, I didn't know what I was saying at the F round.    Of course, those damn thirteen year olds did.  I hate people amusing themselves at my expense..   
  she whined on the phone to me about how nobody ever hung out with her anymore.  "i feel like i have no friends," she said, miffed, petulant.  i could have reminded her that i'd begged her, my voice cracking from crying, not to leave me (simply for the sake of being unattached), that i'd done nothing, that everything was working.  i could also have reminded her that it was only a few weeks since that'd happened, and that she could have hung around with her new boyfriend, almost my opposite.  but i agreed in a monotone and told her to hold on while i surreptitiously ripped another one of her love letters in half.  and for the first time in a long time, i felt a little bit better.  
  You can fairly assume the caliber of your future in-laws when they declare they the "best" eatery in town is the one where they want to throw your rehearsal dinner. "You know, the one shaped like a big boat!"  
  I was driving around with a friend through an industrial zone when I noticed an agricultural type smell.  I said, "I didn't think there was a rendering plant or stockyard around here."  She got quiet, and rolled her window down.    I swear I didn't think it was her - it was rank in a different way.      
  now that winter is here, i told my employees that it's very important that they sweep and mop the factory every friday before they leave... much to thier displeasure. this is so, on saturdays, when i come in to skateboard, i won't slip on the dust.  
  7 times in one day.... i'll let your imagination decide  
  ok need a map every morning which is the fucking right side of the bed again damn thing keeps changing alright whos getting their jollies moving my furniture around questionmark        
        I am 38 years old and I still play with GI Joe.  By the way, most of the buyers of GI Joe seem to be old guys like me  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love to eat at Hooters. Not only do they have great oysters Rockefeller, I admire a nice set of tits as much as anyone. My husband is amused this. One day he kept egging me on to tell a particularly blessed young lady what I thought.  "Excuse me, miss" I said to her when she came over to refill our beers, "but I have to say, nice rack!"  "Why, thank you!" she exclaimed, after giving me a startled look.  I got free beer the rest of the afternoon, I guess for the novelty of a middle-aged lady complimenting her on her bosom.  My husband had to buy his own alcohol.    
  It was 7:30 AM. I had to shit so bad my lower back was hurting. I was the first one in the men's room. Fresh rolls of toilet paper, pretty blue water, and the smell of Comet still in the air from the janitor's hard work the night before. As I sat down to unload, it dawned on me: This is as close to taking anyone's virginity as I have ever gotten. Oh, well. As a friend of mine said, "There's nothing more overrated than a bad fuck and nothing more underrated than a good dump." Bombs away.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the elementary school behind my had some decoration on the fence in front. little paper chain links. i was frustrated and angry about something not important at all, so i ripped the thing down. i looked at the links and they had kids names on them. it was a homage to the shit that happened on 9/11. shit. i decided to keep two links to remind myself how stupid i can be. sorry to Jason and William.   
  i was at Hardee's and went to go fill up my cup with soda at the self serve soda fountain. i pressed the button for ice and it filled my cup but didnt stop. i stood there as ice came pouring out of the machine and on to the floor. i just walked off whistling so no one would be suspicious.  
   More Hudson River Tales   (I think this one is grosser than any of the many body fluid moments I've read here)  In the summer, millions of small, phosphorescent jellyfish come into the lower reaches of the river, up to just above the GWB (George Washington Bridge).  At night, the boat's wake looks like a psychedelic lightshow, really lovely.  Problem is, we're doing a precision plankton net tow - exactly 1 metre square, for exactly 200 yards, and if the sample won't fit into two quarts, the tow is invalid and we have to do over.  We have 50 of these to do before we go home, no matter how long it takes.  And every time we bring the gear onboard, there are 50 gallons of goddammed pulsing, phosphorescent jellyfish in the net.  The jellyfish are not part of our research project, so being the mothers of invention that we are, we develop the "jellyfish hug" -- wearing nothing but speedos, two of us grab the net and hug it tight, squeezing gallons of bright blue jelly through the mesh so that it runs down our bodies and between our toes.  Our skin tingles with tiny jellyfish stings for hours.  
  Summing up what constitutes a Low Brow moment, at least, according to what I've read of other people's postings so far, in no particular order, of course.   1)  Pissing 2)  Shitting 3)  Vomiting 4)  Farting.  Preferably During Sex. 5)  Panty Sniffing.  (who would've ever thought that was such a popular hobby??) 6)  Sex With Fat Chicks 7)  Profuse Masterbation.  Preferably using strange objects, and thinking of inappropriate people, at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places. 8)  Expelling one's load onto inappropriate places/objects.  Then laughing about it. 9)  Basically, anything involving  bodily fluids and ugly people, while tanked on alcohol, or high on drugs.   And that is what constitutes a Low Brow moment.  At least, according to all of yous.   
  Peter lay in bed for quite some time after waking, marvelling at a peculiar feeling he had that he really shouldn't have been there. That, against all odds, and somehow counter to the intent of nature, he had survived much too long. He had come too far. He had avoided, or rather evaded, his fate.  It actually made him dizzy, as if he were standing and his footing was going out from under him. Like standing on a hill with a soft loose side. He felt like falling over, except that he was already in a horizontal position, planted firmly against a firm mattress. He closed his eyes, hoping it would make the feeling go away. But instead it made him feel worse, as closing your eyes does in bed when you're too drunk. Then you realize with your eyes closed you'll puke quicker so you open them but it's too late. Out it comes, hard and fast, and hopefully you're not facing whoever's in bed with you.  But he wasn't coping with alcohol. He was stone cold sober, wide awake after seven and a half hours of deep delicious sleep. He should be chipper, energetic, and ready for all the things he likes to do first thing on a sunny summer morning. Instead he gripped the folds in his sheet and hung on, spinning in circles with his face tightening and his heart pounding. He was out of place. Something was trying to tell him that. He wasn't right. Something wasn't right. And if he was here and was feeling this way, here where everything is always all right, something was wrong. He had the distinct feeling that something terrible happened and that he shouldn't be here.  Then he decided to concentrate. Concentrate on something fastened down to get his bearings. He thought about the bed. The bed was spinning too. He knew that because he was hanging on to the sheet fastened to the mattress stuck inside the bed. He must concentrate on something else. His apartment. No, it was only part of something. The building. Yes, the building will do it. So he thought about it. Three stories of brick and steel, sitting on Post Boulevard, a concrete street in a very old, established neighborhood at the foot of a big, old, solid hill. Very firm, very old, very reliable. Now that stuff doesn't spin. At least not so anyone would notice.  Holding the thought of the building and its nearly eternal surroundings held him for perhaps fifteen seconds. It was like holding back a flood with a flimsy raincoat.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Deep in conversation, my husband stops midsentence and glares at me accusingly. "Why are you staring at only my left eye?" he demands. "You've got a big chunk of...eye crud." I blurt out before falling over into peals of laughter.  
  "When I was home from college I worked two jobs. One was at a Blockbuster. I had just gotten off work at like 2:30 AM and a cop had pulled me over. As soon as his spotlight hit me my head burst into immediate pain. I had been working 15 hours.   A car matching mine had been "terrorizing residents". I tried to explain that I just got off work. I still had my Blockbuster shirt and name tag on for Christ's Sake.    "License and Registration."    30 minutues later, turns out it wasn't me after all. Big fucking surprise. He laughs and tells me he's got a movie to return tomorrow. Maybe I can hook him up with a free rental. I smile.    I gave him a 35 dollar late fee instead."    No you didn't.  
  It's 9.15 on a Tuesday morning, I've already smoked a whole mix.  Not normal behaviour, it's been a really freaking bad week.  Lowbrow, excessive bong smoking, good self medication.  Lotsa coffee too.    I'll stop tomorrow.  And buy a good expectorant cough medicine.  *cough*    
  I've posted a dozen or so lowbrow moments before but I just realized I never posted probably THE most lowbrow thing about me.  That the most traumatic event in life to date has been that my internet community was destroyed by a paranoid, slightly psychotic transexual who we call Dave even though his/her real birth name is Ben.  
  It just suddenly occured to me that with all their indescriminate sex, Lowbrow readers/posters must make up the bulk of STD transmiters in the world.  From now on I will ask people if they have ever been to this site before I have sex with them because I'd rather not get chlamydia.  
  Driving home, this girl is fondling my peepee trough my pant as I drive.  Her "If you didn't have morals, you'd stop right here and fuck me"  Me "I don't have any morals, I'm just a fucking wuss, that's all."  I gotta work on this honesty thing. I think it's killing peepee.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I fucked this guy...   And it was really good.   I fucked my boyfriend of a year.  It was not so good.    Sex is so much sweeter when it doesnt mean anything.  
  I have psoriasis, which, while completely harmless, means that I have large sores all over my body that don't heal for years.  When I go out, I have to make sure to clean up the trail of dead skin I leave behind.  Once, I went a couple of weeks without sweeping my room.  It looked like a volcano went off, with all that dead skin   
  god obviously had a sense of humor, did some drugs, you know the usual for any seven day working vacation --  but who would of thought he'd put a fruit on this earth with the same texture as a clitoris --  have you licked a Litchi?  
  i have this problem with pissing all over myself and the one person closest to me.    
  The white trash secretary who lives in a trailer just told me she liked my shirt. I think I'll go home and burn it.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         is it so wrong to lick my wife's ass in the hopes she'll have anal sex?  
  Missed my bus and the next one wasn't for another hour, and I had already finished my book... what to do? So I went across the street to the expensive clothing store and tried on everything I knew I'd never have the money or real desire to buy. The salesgirl was all over me, fetch this, new size for that.  Then I saw my bus coming and scampered off. Pissed, she shouted, "Hey, we work for commission here, ya know!" So I threw a nickel at her. She threw it back. Next thing you know we were flinging spare change and clothing and accessories at each other, shrieking curses. Then her manager came out of the back of the store with a "what the fuck" look, which I took as my cue to run. And I missed my fucking bus again. But now I know all the expensive shit is still made in Taiwan.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          At a 7-11, friday night, about 1 AM, 10/15/99. I'm talking to Jose' and proceed to pay for my Arizona. When I turn I see Cronin and his ilk get out of a car.  Me: Have your court date yet?  Cronin: Yeah, I got one year, but I haven't had the sentencing date yet.  Me: Have fun.  Exuent, happy that those words will bounce around in his head when his white trash pedophile pathetic amateur burglarizing ass is sitting in prison.        
  I came into the living room today.  My 22000 square foot house.  Damn, what smells bad?  My landlord, almost 70 (his father used to be the world's richest man), announces he just shit in his pants.    Would I please spread some newspaper on the floor so he can let the turd roll down his pants leg onto the floor?  Sure.  And I'm the one who thought against getting a dog because of the potential mess.  Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The scene: My flatmates of 2002 threw a superbowl party. Being an international student who'd never even seen a game of American Football, before, a big deal was made of this. Needless to say, we were all drunk before the first guests arrived. After the game I'm just about managing to walk in a straight line, so put down my Pabst and stagger to the bathroom. I come back and survey the table, covered with about 20 open cans of Pabst, 2 with those strange little things that you put around the can to hold onto. I figured one of those was mine, picked up the one which was heavier and took a big swig.  The moment: Swallowing a huge gulp of tobbacco spit before your drunk tastebuds kick in.  The headrush lasted 2 hours, the raw, sore throat lasted 2 and a half days, and the nausea the rest of the week.  Serves me right for choosing University of Montana, I suppose.  
  something that i dont think many people have done...  when i was in 9th grade, i had a REALLY boring english class. The teacher was so bad and boring, even SHE fell asleep sometimes. I usually say in the back of the room, and kept to myself, unless she gave me a chance to say something funny, which kinda happened alot. Well, one day im in the back of the room, and she is teaching us about some shit, going on and on about nothing. so i decide that i want to masterbate right then and there. so i work up an erection, and i just start goin at it, and if anyone looks my direction, i just stop and pretend like i am paying attention. So about five minutes go by, and i cum in my pants. it was kinda weird cuz so many people were in the room, but it still felt great. then, when class was over, i got up and walked out like nothing happened.    
  I was just looking through some christian forums at Delphi or some such and a question was posed by someone whether Jesus laughed or not.  One of the responses was that Jesus was basicly like everyone else and even had to go to the bathroom.  Ever since then, I've had the image of Jesus, in the middle of the desert, squatting down to leave a big fetid log that only Jesus could.  I need to get rid of this image before I go to hell.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was dating this guy...It was long distance, he would have to drive 2 hours to see me.  One day, he had arrived, and after some decent sex, he said to me: "I was thinking about you on the way up"  "Oh yeah?"  (Hoping for a good fantasy to get him in the sack again)  "Yeah, I was thinking about you and started masturbating..."  "In the car?  Hope you had some napkins handy"  (At this point I was starting to get a bit disgusted)  "Well actually, I did something else with it..."  "Really?"  "Yeah, I decided to try what you do...I ate it..."  "Huh?"  Yes folks, true story, he ate his own cum, in the car, while driving down the interstate.  And this is supposed to turn me on?  Needless to say, its over.    
  I was watching television the other day (I was just that bored) and saw a show on 'discovery' called 'animal cops'. Now, in this show, they have police searching for animal cruelty and liberating these poor animals from their drunk and lazy owners. They spend hundreds of dollars on police salaries and SURGERY sometimes for these messed up cats and dogs. My question is how many homeless people did they pass to save a dog? A dog that will end up in a pound and be euthanised sometime soon, no less...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm driving down a neighborhood street and it's blisteringly cold outside, something in the teens, but a nice clear night nonetheless.  I start thinking about fire hydrants.  I picture a fire hydrant boyfriend and a fire hydrant dad, arguing over the boyfriend and girlfriend (also a fire hydrant)'s future.  "How exactly do you plan to support my daughter? You're going to work in the fire hydrant industry, right? Find a nice steady job?"  "Actually, sir, I'm thinking about going to art school."  
  A friend once stood me up when we were supposed to meet and go feed the ducks in the park.   I went anyway.  Even the ducks wanted nothing to do with me.  Quack.  
  he asked me to set him up with one of my friends  right after he bragged about stalking being the way he deals with his paranoia of people lying to him  
  I always hated going to church when I was a little kid and every Sunday morning the Sunday School Shuttle would drive by my house and honk their horn waiting for me to come out.  9 out of 10 times I would still be in my pjs and just wave them by.  On the rare occasion that I actually did get on the bus everyone would clap for me and say things like, "It's so good to see you, we really missed you!" and "You made Jesus really happy by coming today, we hope we see you more often!"  The last time I went two very interesting things happened to me.  The first I was sitting between my Grandmother and one of her friends who had all these weird spots on her hands.  When I met her she shook my hand and seemed nice enough.  After the service we had a Sunday School lecture abour leprosy.  They said this old woman (who was the old woman I sat next to earlier) had leprosy and that's why she had brown spots all over her hands.  This really freaked me out because she shook my hand and I immediatly thought I was infected with leprosy and that my fingers were going to fall off.  They asked the old lady if she excepted Jesus into her heart and then they cleaned her hands and the spots came off.  I was almost in tears by the end of the service but they calmed me down and told me that she wasn't really deseased  and that it was just a demonstration of how Jesus healed the sick.  A little while later, I was in my smaller class and the lady teaching that was telling us about Adam and Eve and how they lived in harmonies with all the animals.  Then be a 7 year old I immediatley asked about how they got along with dinosaurs.  The teacher told me that dinosaurs never existed.  I was shocked, I was angry, and most of all I didn't believe in God or Heaven anymore. (I always wanted to ride a dinosaur when I died and went to heaven and that was taken away from me.)  I never went to that or any other church ever again...  Christmas is tomorrow I'm 23 and I'm hoping I get an Xbox.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work at cadburys, a huge chocolate factory that made items ranging from fudge to chocolate to  sugar.  My job was to pack the fudge into boxes. i was a fudge packer.  
  A xylophone was represented clearly on the sound system.  Muted hornsplayed by real, live musicians came from the room in back.  "Is that livemusic? I like the stuff on the stereo better."  The bartender walked to theregister.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In high school I once trumped my female friend in an insult match with, "I hope you never get pregnant, cuz the horns would tear your uterus."  I thought it was a potent and quotable zinger, and apparently so did she some years later when she unsolicitedly recalled the story for my new girlfriend's parents.  
  Sebastian Bach may have everybody else fooled with this whole Skid Row gig,  but not me,  deep down i know he's got talent.  
  After drinking some whiskey in college, I was feeling romantic and went out to the park with the girl I had started seeing.  We kissed and I leaned towards her like I was dipping her or something.  "You are going to drop me", she said.  And then I did.        
  I'm just gonna stand over there because I think sorry_e_e has already said it all.        
     I knew it was love when, over eggs and steak, he called the A-1 sauce, "Al."      
  Psychology class.  Teacher: "Does any one here know how to properly deal with anger?" Me: "Bottle it up until one day you finally snap?"  Silence.  Fuckers, it was funny.  
  Walking home one night I saw walking past me on the other side of the road some kid with his dog on a leash. A little dog, about a foot long with short legs. Observing these two I saw that their speed varied a lot, so the dog had to keep going from running to walking.. I realised this was because this kid was on a scooter. I kept walking.  Looking over my shoulder a moment later I saw the kid was going so fast the dog was being dragged along on his back feet.  
  Today I went to the porn shop with a friend of mine. She picked out one thing, while I picked out enough stuff to equal $120.00 bucks.  My bag was overflowing.  She was so silent on the way home.  Couldn't even look me in the eyes.  I guess it could have been worse, right?    I mean...I could have bought Anal Ease.  
  I love the thrill of taking a piss behind the garage.  
  It makes me so sad when I see people censoring their own words when they post on the internet  fuck shit damn hell bitch cunt shit cock  It makes me even sadder when I see people censoring the words that MTV has taught them need to be censored  Kill? Hash? Drugs?  If you're gonna let someone else tell you what words you should and shouldn't censor, for fuck's sake don't let that someone be MTV.  
  The closet door in the bedroom is open just a bit. It's past midnight and I'm trying to sleep. A street light illuminates the bedroom just enough to see the shapes of objects. The bed, the TV, my wife asleep next to me. All slightly visible in a mono-chromatic way. Inside the closet there is no light,  it is inky black. I imagine it a portal to some hellish world filled with demons and other scary creatures. At least that is what I use to think when I was a small child. But I'm forty now and more than old enough to know better. It's just a closet with the door ajar.      Better not hang my foot of the bed though. The monster may get me.  
  It was when she told me that she thinks glassJAw makes great "mood music" that I knew I had found someone special.   
  i went to the riverwalk last week for a convention.  i just got a cool 2-way pager.  it started to rain so i ran for cover as i didn't want the thing to get wet.  i tripped - it fell into the river.  some lame-ass says "i hope that wasn't expensive".  fucking irony  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         High School kegger thrown by an unpopular girl whose mother decided to help throw this party and supply beer and baked munchies to try and reduce the rampant drunkeness.    A kid asked her if he could dry his weed in her oven.  I've never seen such shock and fear in a face while she continued to cycle frozen appetizers in/out of the oven.  
        It's bad enough that I gagged and barfed popcorn all over the urinal, but then blaming it on the little kid in the next stall...that was pure genius.   
  I talked with an Australian girl one day online.  She said that the Australians in general hate that Crocodile dude because they figure the rest of the world thinks they're all like him.  Which is ridiculous.    I figure Australians are all like Mad Max.  
  real low most people post only to sit there in front of the screen for hours clicking thru moments that arent theirs hoping to see their own and forgetting that no one will care cos they used a fake email address         
  People are inherently stupid.  I was working for a bus company the summer after my senior year in HS. A woman called asking which time she should take a bus to the airport. I asked her if the flight was international or domestic. She asked me what domestic was. So I said it meant within the US. She replied:  "Oh yes, it's international. I'm going to Washington DC."  She couldn't understand why I couldn't stop laughing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Like every other non-satanic human in the world, I used to really hate telemarketers and cringed everytime the phone rang.  Then I walked through the aisle where they stocked those hand held disposable air horns...  
  Last spring I went to NYC to visit little sister.  While walking to the bar where she tends I was hit up oh, five or six times for spare change.  Everything from:  "Hey man, me and my girlfriend are trying to catch a bus. . ."  to:  "Do you know what opression is?"  So.  I met little sister at the bar and had a few drinks which gave me a brainstorm.  I stuffed my jacket pockets full of those cheap peanuts (shells & all) and walked around for two hours saying to panhandlers "man, I'm sorry I don't have a damn dime.  But I got these peanuts. . ."   Most people were offended but ALL of them took the peanuts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She invited the entire neighborhood to her backyard for a cookout, and they all turned up... not that she was popular, it was free beer. She was entertaining the in-laws and wanted to show them how well-liked she was. "My my," an older woman said to me, "I never knew Amy had so many friends!" "Yeah" I replied. "Pity most of them are guys she blows when her husband's out of town." Thereby followed a conversation about just what a stupendous slut Amy was.  Her mother in law doesn't look a thing like the husband. Amazing.   
  A girl I used to play sport with - Bec.  Bec 'Have you met Vicky?' Me  'No - Don't think so.'  Bec pulls a vibrator out of her bag. 'Here - this is Vicky, shake hands'  Me 'Uh....'     
  "I flew across the U.S. in 1993, in the middle of the biggest Midwest flood in decades.  The captain was in a chatty mood, pointing out landmarks along the way.   He came back on again, telling us that if we now looked down to the left, we could see the Gulf Of St. Louis.   - LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com"  I live about 50 miles east of St. Louis and I had the pleasure of leaving from Lambert International there.  The scene from above was absolutely amazing, awe-inspriring, really.  The TWA pilot (good old TWA...) made a crack shortly after takeoff about how he was hoping the airport was still there when he got back.  Of course, there was no danger of this, as the flooding was nowhere near the airport.  That, however, didn't stop one lady from having to be restrained for the duration of the four hour flight to Seattle, occasionally sobbing and just generally freaking out and annoying the hell out of everyone.  Nice going, Captain.  
  Few Beers with Dad  I came home from college break one time and went to a Celtic festival with my Dad.  After consuming numerous beers I felt the need to tell my Dad that being home is good for my mind and body.     Well I just don t get those nasty runny craps when I am home. It s all solid  .  My Dad looked at me and said   that s great son     The silent awkwardness after he said that was just to much for me   I farted out of nervousness.    
  A real lowbrow moment:  My lover was going down on me.  Just as I was begining to climax, he sneezed.  It made a farting sound.  I laughed so hard I almost gave him a golden shower as a bonus.  It was the best orgasm I never had.  
  why isn't there a lowbrow book?   it could be divided into chapters like -  "didn't make it to the toilet in time"  "inappropriate times to fart"  "humiliating blowjobs"  and   of course     "ky and the bible"  
  Don't you just love getting head at school?  This girl who sez she's "been in love with you all my life" went to the same community college as I did.  Cut to the quick, she's a freaky nympho, so she started jacking me off in the quad.  She then suggested we go to the library, where she sat me down and told me to pick up a newspaper.  It was the New York Times.  The classified section.  I live in CA.  I came while reading about a Viper for sale in Greenwich Village for the bargain price of $48,000.  She pulled a napkin out of her purse (which she probably keeps for just this type of occasion), dabbed her lips, then walked me to water polo practice.  I'd like to marry someone like that.  It's too bad that she's a schizophrenic narcoleptic cross-dressing neo-nazi porno star without a chin.  But she deepthroats without gagging.  
  Today I did the Steve Martin Cruel Shoes thing about getting out of bed.          
  I was flipping thru a mail-order clothing catalog that apparently makes it's money marketing undies to gay men.  And it made me wonder, just how many different varieties of thong underwear does the world actually need?        
  Last Saturday I paid my gorgeously curvacious best friend to detail my car for $40.  I sat out on the porch for 5 hours smoking and drinking and watching her prance around in booty shorts and a tight tank top cleaning the inside of my car.  The best part? My other friend (another gorgeiously curvacious girl) came out also in booty shorts and tight tank top when it came time to get soapy. Friend 1's boyfriend even got out the polaroid and made sure to document the whole thing. Every time they leaned over to get the hubcaps or reached really far to get the top, and especially when they started turning the hose on each other.  The lowbrow moment? Everyone up and down the block started coming outside for cigarettes. One old man 2 houses down even had his hands blatently down his pants while watching.  All this for only 40 dollars!  
  I saw a man in his car vigously eating his boogers this morning.    I was disgusted by it even though I too eat my boogers when no one is looking.     
  my sister bought "ear candles" they're long pieces of paper rolled up into a thin cone shaped. you poke a hole through a paper plate and put it through. then you LIGHT it. let it burn until it's 4 INCHES away from your HEAD. it's supposed to be like a massage or something. who the fuck lights something on fire and puts it in their ear?  
  Damn bastard working the 24 hour Dunkin' Donuts across the street from campus locks the door at night.  This is the third time, we bang and bang on the door and he finally comes out from the back looking sleepy.  We motion to the lit "OPEN" sign and he just slowly shakes his head no.  I flip out.    Must...have...cofee...  But still he just stares at us as my blood boils.  My friends drag me away and I go to the back of the shopping center and see the guy's car.  It has to be his car because it's the only one there.    Obviously, I let the air out of all 4 tires.    
   My Fighting History #13 from #12:  I soon find out that his big brother is the town head case, similar to Begbie in "Trainspotting," and I am in serious trouble   I manage to keep low for about two weeks, but then one night I'm so bored I pop out to the main street caf&eacute; for a hot Vimto and some jukebox tunes.  When I leave, I see my best friend, Eddie Tynski, who is a Bebgie type himself, standing with the kid I beat up,  and  his big brother.  Eddie calls me over. I pretend to not notice, but that's not going to work. My bowels are close to doing their ancient "fight or flight" response of emptying themselves, but that wouldn't work, either.  So we chat. That's not going to work, either. It's decided that the kid and I will walk around back for a rematch. Yeah, sure.  In the back alley, the kid looks nervous, until (of course) his brother appears and the pair of them lay in the boots, kicking me in the head repeatedly.  Amazingly, it doesn't hurt at all. I have my hands over my face, so they're not doing any damage. There's no point in me trying to actually fight, so I just take it until I think they might feel satisfied.  Then I yell: " My eye! My fucking eye... " and end it with a fall to the ground and a bloodcurdling scream.  They panic and run away. I never see either of them again.  My "friend," Mr. Tynski, arrives late, of course, apologising for letting Big Brother out of his sight for a minute.  Such was the teenage life in Scotland, in 1966.  
  Counting down until we move, I can't help but pre-marvel at the wrath and destruction I have planned for my last night in this fucked up state. I only hope my flight isn't departing later than planned.   
  9 out of 10 scientists agree that that other scientist is just trying to be different  
  ...what he said.  (Except for that crap about midgets, that was just sick.)  
  Can a person change their life in one day?  After rolling a joint, pointing to my balls and spending two hours reading "moments" at low brow.com.  I figure there is something he can do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a little kid I used to think that if you were satnding up and wearing a top hat, and you sat down super quickly, the hat would stay suspended in mid air for a second.  
  from now on, i will always remember to double check the lock before i jerk off in my dorm. i think thats about all that needs to be said.  
  So my girlfriend had to go somewhere after school today.  She was kinda secretive about it but I walked her there and took a look at the sign out front.  I remembered the name for future looking up.  At the time I said "Oh, is it like therapy or something?  No big deal, I've been to therapy a couple times".  I looked it up later online.  Turns out it's a youth employment center.  Great, now she knows I'm nuts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Me: In my thirties, dressed in 501's, denim shirt, and Redwing workboots; short spiky hair and clean-shaven. Her: In her fifties, Dressed in cotton dress and full of her own pretentiousness.  My friend introduces us and tells her that I'm a poet.  YOU'RE  a poet??? she asks disbelievingly, looking me up and down like I had failed some unspoken code of attire or grooming for  How A Poet Is Supposed To Look.   Without missing a beat, I replied, absolutely deadpan: "Yeah, I'm a poet. The cat  Shat  In the hat.  You like it? I wrote it this morning while I was sitting on the shitter.    Her stupid livestock-looking face with its open-mouthed silence and look of utter horror were priceless.  Bitch.  I went on-stage for my reading and poured armeggedon, orgasm, blood, rain, fire, laughter, tears, suicide, death, springtime, and love from the pages and then made my way back to my gritty coffee, feeling vindicated. When it was her turn to read, she turned her back to walk to the stage. I spit in her coffee and laughed to myself in the dark, both at spitting in her coffee and at her trite and pathetic sing-song teen-angst tripe.  
  The gutteral idling and sweetly tweaked chirping of an American-made muscle car waiting for the light to change at my corner will always get me up from whatever it is I'm doing as peek out the window to see if the visual is as tasty as the aural. I live on the fifth floor. Yep, I'm a Pavlovian bitch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and I were going on a early morning drive for a booty call. My friend ended up taking a turn to fast and losing control of her car, crashing it into the center cement divider of the highway. We were dressed in our pajamas, no underwear underneath and just our jackets over top and wearing slippers and sandals. A truck driver passing by at 4:30 in the morning was kind enough to call 911 for us. The ambulance showed up first and made sure we weren't seriously hurt (which thank goodness we weren't. WEAR YOUR SEATBELT PEOPLE!) They waited with us till the cop showed up. As we were standing there, the cop after writing up the report looked at us and said, "I hesitate to ask where you ladies were headed at this hour."  We weren't about to tell him we were headed to this guy's house to have a threesome, yet the cop was nice enough to drive us to the guy's house since we had no other way to get home or to his place.  We got to the guy's house, where we had our fun, and then he drove us both home.  The cop and later on the insurance place (in our statements) never did find out why we were headed where we were headed to. We thought it better to leave out the booty call in our statements.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i told her she was hot as shit.  she loves being compared to feces.  
  While stationed in Germany my roomate quit drinking German beer and returned to PX Budweiser. When asked how he could prefer the watery, American brew over German beer. he replied,  "German beer might taste better going down, but Budweiser tastes best coming back up."   
  There's this woman I work with who is scheduled to have fat surgery, you know, where they reroute your intestines somehow and then you can hardly eat anything so you lose weight.  All she could talk about day after day was how handsome the surgeon is, blah blah blah, calling him by his first name.  She even brought in a photo she'd printed out from the medical group's website.  (She was right about one thing...he was too goodlooking to be human.)  She hung up the photo above her desk so that she could gaze at him at all times.  But then one day she showed up for work completely bummed, dejected big time, as if she'd just been dealt one of life's cruelest blows.  It turns out that Dr. Marvelous is married.     I couldn't help it, I had to say, "Now let me see if I get this right.  This guy is going to cut open your enormous marshmallow belly, get through the mounds of fat to work on your intestines...and you think the only thing standing between the two of you is his WIFE???!!!!  Someone had to say it, why not me?  
  New Years Eve, 1999  My pocket contains half of my entertainment for the night (4 pills, some coke, and lots of tasty green skunk) and the mere thought of it being there is making me smile with anticipation.   The carload of us follow the convoy of traffic heading toward the huge warehouse party, and we're all buzzin before we even take anything.  The best thing about raves is the lack of security, restriction, and authoritive figures -and that is exactly how the evening is heading.. UNTIL 30 seconds away from the party the road narrows, and flashing lights illuminate the dark walls of the industrial estate.  Fuck, cops!  The car slowly grinds to a halt as two police officers walk toward us from either side, blocking the road.  My heart is in my mouth beating the fuck out of the inside of my entire torso.  {Shit I'm going to jail shit I'm going to jail shit I'm going to jail shit I'm going to jail shit I'm going to jail....  ....Yes officer?  Are you going to the rave?  ......errrrrrrrrrr yeah.  Well take this then.......  {he hands me a piece of paper which proves to be a police disclaimer explaining that there were too many people to do anything about!}  ........Drive safely now  ......errrrrrrrrrr yeah!?  That night around two thousand people missed new year by 10 minutes because  everyone was drug fucked!   I evaded any serious police charges, partied hard as hell and lost around six hours of my life in front of a 30,000 watt sound system through recreational drug abuse.  Money well spent!  Time WELL WASTED!   
  You know, just because a girl's nipples are on, it doesn't mean she's horny or thinking about sex.  Nipples also respond to temperature, slight touches, fear, anxiety, or anything else that produces adrenaline.  Mine turn on at random times during the day for no good reason at all.  I like to think they're just being polite and saying hello to people.  
  Romantic moments and Kevin Smith movies do not mix.  "Are you ok?"  "Why wouldn't I be?"  "Just asking, you look confused."  "Eh, whatever."  Silence for an obvious reason.  Background noise..."Remember that costume party?" "Would that be the one where you fucked Rick Derris on a pool table?" "No one remembers that stuff?" "Where else would I get to see smokey fuck the bandit?" "I did look exactly like Burt Reynolds, didn't I?" "Except for the moustache."  How to kill a mood, quickly.  
        I work with a girl who got her jaw wired shut and claims that it is because she strained one of her vocal cords.  I think she is just trying to get rid of her fat ass.  
  after eating a great meal it's decided the both of us need a nap.  "wake me up when it's time to get drunk"  sure thing hunny  
    nowadays i masturbate "dry" when i was a teenager i used to spit on my hand to get that *glide* it sucked when i was spankin away and couldn't produce any saliva - kind of a coitus interruptus thing i eventually developed this pavlovian response anytime it looked like i was going to be alone for ten minutes or more i would start salivating jeez i can't tell you how many times my parents were saying goodbye to go over to the neighbors and i would reply through a mouthful of spit i was saving "hab a goob time"  i was such an incessant masturbator my mom thought i was developing a speech impediment       
  picking the dust bunnies and hair out of the cereal you just spilled on the floor is tedious but almost always worth it.  
   I know that I have a ridiculous base of pretty much useless knowledge, it's just what's taking up the space between my ears. (Hey, did you know that Kim Jong Il, dictator of N. Korea, likes James Bond movies and leggy, Scandinavian blondes?) anyway, my roommate has taken to calling me 'the informer' because she wasn't here last semester and has lots of questions about the university and whatnot. And before you break out into bad early 90s rap by Snow, let me just share our most recent conversation: ok, here's the situation: i showed her how to fix her margins in MS word. her: Thank you SO much, you are like SUCH The Informer Me: No problem her: You should be a superhero, like a comic book character or something Me: haha, would I carry around instruction manuals and beat up bad guys or something her: Sure! That's cool! but no, seriously, you're a comic book super hero, you could like pop up whenever i need you and save me with your answers! Me: uhhhh.... her: Ok, so it's not like you don't like already like do that, but like it would be even cooler Me: Just promise me I won't have to wear spandex. her: Promise.   
  One day Heather Kirkes was in gym class, playing dodge ball.  "I was behind this one really cute guy, waiting for him to turn around so I could stare at his dick bulge."  When another girl saw Heather staring at the young man, she threw the ball in his direction. He "dodged" out of the way, and Heather got pegged hard in the face.     "The ball knocked me right on my ass," Heather remembers. "I hit my head and blacked out for ten seconds. While unconscious, I pissed my pants."  When the coach ran over to help, he slipped on her puddle and broke his tailbone.  "For three years, the other kids called me Miss Peebody."  
  Most of my moments posted here point up what a cruel, sadistic bitch I am. But here's something that should redeem me a little. Every now and then, I don't make him go shopping with me. I go alone and stay out a good three, four hours... so he can have all the time he needs to visit his porn collection and whack off in divine privacy. I'm such a sweetie.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Due to the fact that my life is now neatly compartmentalized between "Work" and "School", I have been finding myself on the couch at night.  My ass splays across the cushions like two mounds of warm dough as I watch TV.  There is a block of pure magic from 11 PM to 12:30 AM: Judge Judy, Change of Heart, and then Love Connection. I wasn't concerned until my roomates began to be sucked into the murk as deeply as I had been...now we all sit around the tv at 11 PM, shouting at the moronic plaintiffs and defendents and hoping that Judge Judy will verbally shred them into pulp. This can't be healthy.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The guilt feelings, the anxiety attacks and the sadness just would not go away.  Guess it's one of those Calistoga[tm] and Valium[tm] kinda days.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  What's the deal with cigarette companies marketing these "additive-free" cigarettes as they call it?  I guess this would mean they're better for you.  Damn!  If they could only apply that mentality to other things- you know, like crack with less impurities.  That would be really good.    
  I was watching cartoons tonight when my mom burst into the room, "Man, I had the best sex dream last night, but I can't for the life of me remember who it was about."  The horrified look on my face prompted her to cackle insanely to the point of tears for 5 minutes. Then she said, "Sorry, it's just the best thing that's happened all week." and went back to her room.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         people always think i am smart. i dont know why they just always have presumed i am smart. so in order not to disapoint them i devise little set ups.  i bought a rubix cube which is identicle to the one my friend bought me "caus i am so damm smart" so in front of him i pretend to by working the cube up he gave me. when he turns away i swithced with the brand new rubix cube which comes with all the colers in the right order. he was so impressed. i pulled this on some chick i was showing off to and she thaught i was a genius. once a little set up i planned back fired. i arranged for me and some mates to accidently "lock" ourself in my garage.  they are all getting shitty as we will miss the party. i say dont worry i will pick the lock and i take a saftey pin from the back of a girls badge which she had on her bag. little did they know the door wasent locked you just had to fiddle with the handel a bit to make it work.  thats right you guessed it i aidentaly did lock all 4 of us in my parents garage. we where stuck in there for 6 hours till my parents got home at 12. and i had to piss so badly all i could de was sit and cross my legs.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ahhh the good old days when me and my cousins all older and growin boys would pile into the shitty car and ride down to mcdonalds for 49 cent cheese burgers on a wed. evening of course the limit was fourteen so we always had to argue to see who would hafta go inside and order 14 more   
  so i bought a large quantity of cocaine and measured it out into 60 equal portions. then i put them in the freezer to keep them fresh and snorted one portion a day for 2 months. since i ran out i have never once wanted to buy more. i stopped using smokeless tobacco 12 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that i don't smell, taste, and feel it. you tell me which one should be illegal.  
  Me: "Yeah, when I was growing up I used to hunt squirrels with my Dad. We would go out with a shotgun and just blast them. It was so much fun. There's too many squirrels in this world as there is."  ===Long Silence===  Him: "I raised a baby squirrel into adulthood."   Whoops  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Sex In Scotland '66   (The year, not three short of a "69" -- you'll see.)  I was my first real girlfriend's first real boyfriend, so neither of us knew anything. We really got to like each other, and settled down into a routine. Every Saturday, I'd bicycle the six miles to her place, and we'd vanish into her room for the afternoon. She put on a stack of records, and we'd start out sitting on the floor, talking, then sitting next to each other, then sitting with our arms around each other. Then we'd eventually work up the courage to kiss.  Then , we'd slowly sidle up onto her bed and snuggle for hours, whispering sweet nothings, with "Rubber Soul" on repeat in the background. Sorry, 'Browers -- that's all there is. Oh, 'cept one time I needed to get my soda, which was sitting on the bedstand. I reached across her, partially wrapping one of my legs over her for balance. Before I lifted my leg back off of her, my hips gave one inadvertent thrust.  Sproing!  She was instantly downstairs in the living room, sitting beside her mother, without her feet touching anything on the way. I listened to the end of the album, walked downstairs, and her mom said: "Pamela, your friend's leaving..."  
  one night I went out to a local dance club here in downtown gainesville florida and met a trampy little girl named Mary -Ellen.  She was eppileptic.  Needless to say, I was able to convice the bimbet to come home with me.  As we proceeded to consumate our love, it became readily apparent that I was far too inebriated to achieve a full erection, so I grabbed a bud light bottle next to my bed and had mary ellen to stuff the bottle into my ass and into the innards of my penis to simulate the erection.  It hurt the next day, but what the fuck.  I got some pussy and you didnt.  Haha.  The real pisser is that I drank that beer the next day. Aint life a bitch?         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think parents take their kids to Wal*Mart just to smack the living hell out of them.  Without fail, everytime I go in there, I see some kid getting his ass beat..  It must be some kind of punishment.  "If you kids don't behave, we're going to Wal*Mart!"        
  Dude...me and a friend were settling in for a long night of drinking and video games when I realized we were out of Coke(my preferred mixer for scotch. Having only scotch and no other alcohol, and not ready for straight straight stuff due to a hangover, I improvised. There was plenty of Mountain Dew, so I gave it a whirl.  It tasted like Mountain Dew, but got you drunk. Ordinarily, that yellow beverage tastes like mongoose anal secretions, but since it had an intoxicating effect, I didn't mind. We christened this new beverage "SkeeDew".  And the more we drank, the more fun it was to say.  
   this sounds like the beginning of a bad joke but sadly is fact a burly and filthy man sewage technician questionmark walks up to a nearly empty bar and waving a twenty bellows quote who do i haft blow to get a fucking drink in this town endquote now im prone to shooting drinks out my nose as it is but i almost had an aneurism i laughed so loud       
  As I was nailin her doggy style, I looked over and she had a wall sized mirror on her closet doors..I gave myself a fat THUMBS UP...I da man.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The absolute realization that the only reason I have been successful in life is due to the fact that I am blonde, very attractive, and slender.  The intelligence was looked at later.  
  So my friend says to me, "Guess what!  Jer made me come 5 times last night!"  I was like, "Right on... I masturbated the other night."  She goes, "Ewwww how can you do that!?  I don't like it, it doesn't work for me."  I say, "Well, I'm just really horny.  I'm trying not to be a slut anymore."  then I started laughing hysterically at her.      
  i work at a movie theatre so my work clothes always smell like popcorn. one day i wore my work clothes to church because i had to go straight to work. i heard the couple behind me whispering to each other "do you smell popcorn" i slouched farther into my seat and hoped they didnt notice that smell was me.  
  i enjoy going to those "am i hot or not?" sites and reading peoples profiles if they seem to cocky, i give them a 1 sometimes i don't even read the profiles first  uppity bastards  
  Two-thirds of the way into the single best conversation I've had with a woman in my nigh-unto-twenty-seven years on this planet, she says: "I converted to Mormonism two years ago." Grgah! She lives in Spokane anyway ...   
  You know what I hate about living in a spacious ranch house with gorgeous wood flooring?  The acoustics. Somebody farts in the toilet, and it reverberates throughout the entire house.  I sure as hell didn't need to hear that, Mom.  Not again.  
  Whenever I choose to expound on the evils of conservatives, I am invariably talking to one.  
  I was walking up to my bus stop when I saw an old guy out flat on the ground at the stop. There were three people standing beside him trying to pretend he wasn't there.   I checked him to see if he was OK, then I went a office right beside the stop and called for an Ambulance. Once I did that the other people started taking notice of the guy and gossiping between each other about what is wrong with him. The security guy from the office (who hadn't seen any of this beforehand) tried to make the old man comfy until the ambulance arrived.   It arrived about two minutes later, and automatically the people at the bus stop who were ignoring him eariler were all taking charge. I pretty much got ignored.   The clincher was some guy got out of a car across the street and came over and said it was disgraceful how some people are, as he had been sitting in his car for the last 20 minutes and said that no one bothered to help the guy. You think he would of?   Even the ambulance men thought he was a wanker.   People are broken.    
   Pissing on the Tour De France  (From the official FAQ): If a rider needs to go outside of an organised stop, that's another situation where team-work comes into play. Along with a couple of team-mates, the rider will drop back in the peloton, and move to the side of the road. While his team-mates push him along at the back of the bunch, he'll take a mobile comfort break. It's a skilled operation, and some riders just can't relax enough to ... er ... let it all hang out. It's considered extremely bad form for photographers and TV to shoot this whole process which is why, as some readers have observed, you never see it on TV or in pictures.  
  A couple of friends of mine went to the mall one weekend.  They went to buy a blow up doll.  Sooner or later they decided the doll was useless.  They blew her up and put their coat around her and took turns sitting next to, making out with, and fondling her.  Yes, this is weird.  But the really fucked up and dumbass thing was that they didn't bring a camera to take pictures of all the yuppy soccer moms covering their children's eyes.  Fuckin retards.......    
  My hands are covered with gouges, scrapes and abrasions following four solid days of stuffing them into the nether regions of my Corvette's engine compartment.   What I have learned from all this is that in a fresh wound, spooge really stings.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I made her scream out loud when we made love. She'd rarely even had an orgasm before. Still, she wouldn't get back together with me and stayed with a guy with whom the sex was less than adequate... Hey, I guess my personality is just that unattractive.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm one of those guys that compulsively makes that little back of the throat un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss techno beat. un-ss-un-ssun-ss-un-ss Sometimes I do it so well that noone can tell where it's coming from and they look around for the system that's pumping pumping pumping un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss...   
        Watching Gallagher on TV for an hour.      Seeing your parents at the Gallagher show your watching on TV       
  I told this guy that i wasn't looking for a fight, I was just looking for toys.  He looked dirty and he kept asking me to sit on his lap.  Fucking Santa.       
  i just found out that chinpoko means penis in japanese, on south park they have a pokemon farce called chinpokemon.  man i love those esoteric jokes.  _\|b|/_  
  "Have you ever noticed that sauted mushrooms smell just like sex?" She asked.  I told her I wouldn't know whathet sex smells like. It was too long ago and I am gay.  "What does gay sex smell like?" She asked.  I thought about it, and then it cam eto me. I told her it smells exactly like the laundromat. It does!  
  My girlfriend was stoney silent. It's nothing she said. I thought it was "that time" and left it alone.  At lunch the the friendly waiter asked What's your sign...Cancer?  Yes..and she began sobbing uncontrollably.  I'll had the BLT on rye.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend mike told me this story about a kid at his highschool, where they were doing this drama exercise or play or something, and this one guy, he starts getting it on with a girl in the prop room. and i DO mean GETTING IT ON, to the point that people start hearing some REALLY passionate noises from outside, until the screaming and moaning peaks, and its suddenly very obvious that they are not the result of pleasure. there are sobs mixed in now.   people rush in the room, and the guy's hunched over in the corner bleeding and screaming, and the girl's on the other side of the room, crying.    she gave him a handjob.   she forgot to take her rings off.     -- but its not over --    weeks later, the kid's out of the hospital or whatever, and they're in sex ed class, acting out scenarios where "its OK to say no to sex." the previously injured kid and some girl are in one such scenario. (mind you, the whole handjob mutilation was still a senitive, recent bit of headlining embarassment.) and mike, in the back, yells:  "make sure she TAKES HER RINGS OFF!"   whoops. mike had his foot in his mouth for all of 3 seconds before everyone broke out laughing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         last night my roommate called his girlfriend his "favorite turd" to her face. she thought it was cute. i think they're retarded.  
  Tracing my grandfather's ancestry (to give him a genealogical chart as a 92nd birthday gift), I realize my family's paternal roots stem from Punxstawney, Pennsylvania.  That's right, the groundhog place.  That's when I realize white trash goes way, way back in my family.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Examing the contents of my  land-yaught's trunk:  spare tire jack tool box road flares syphon pump exhaust pipe tent bedroll duffel bag with fatigues and underwear wood mall hatchet pick shovel machete etc.   I begin to long for the days when I had good reason to keep all this shit back there.  
   The 'Brow Leaks Back Into My Life #3 When I called her at the number she gave me, she was still annoyed.  She: "After you left, I talked with the customer you made the bet with. He said the bet was that you would sleep with me tonight."  Me: "No! I told you I don't put out on a first date."  She: "Why would he say that, then?"  Me: "He's probably just jealous."  She did give me her e-mail address, though, so I sent her a heartfelt apology,  complete with the complete 'brow moment I had posted about making the bet.   That was the last I heard of her...  
  like there was some way to actually cheapen the brow was the response        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Boxing day, I'm rummaging through the remains of what is refered to as my "room". As I do this I come across an envelope that a certain aunt sent to me for Christmas. Reaching in a pulling the money out, then throw the card aside, so me finding that I have forgotten what I was looking for in my room proceed to seal the envelope by licking the seal.To my youthful delight I find it had quite the interesting taste and I continue to lick it all off...everyday is lowbrow from this point on.    
  My father reveals our family heirloom (pessimism) in this nugget of joy:  My uncle was changing his toilet seat from the hard kind to the spongy kind.  My dad walks in and comments "Tough call... cold-in-the-morning or soaked-with-piss."   ...and I found, I couldn't stop laughing.      
  I used to work in a convenience store/gas station/liquor store/bait & tackle shop when I was 16. There was this old bitch who used to come in everyday, buy a quart of milk, all the while bitching that the quart of milk that she had bought the day before had been sour. (Jesus wept...) Anyway, I was in the walk-in, stocking the dairy shelves and I hear her come in. I turn out the light in the walk-in and wait. Bitch reaches her hand in the freezer to get a quart of milk, all the while, complaining about the previous day's milk, when I reach out and grab her wrist. She's screaming and I'm yanking her halfway into the freezer and the milk and yogurt and cottage cheese and shit is flying everywhere. I give her three or four good yanks and then release her. She's yelling and screaming and freaking out at the manager. I exit the freezer and come in through the backdoor and the manager says, "Did you do what she says you did?" I tried to look grave and answered, "Yes. Yes I did." The manager looked at the bitch and said, "We'll handle this, ma'am." She grumped her way out of the store and the manager and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My uniform for work is hideously ugly.  I work in the operations crew at a conference/festival center - basically i clean stuff, move stuff, and solve stupid people's stupid problems.    Apparently this requires me to wear a large shirt made of this freaky slinky sweating-in-a-plastic-bag type fabric.    Apparently it's essential to the running of the business for this shirt to be bright yellow, with a big black zig-zaggy stripe running diagonally across my chest.  When I go out to get my lunch, people stare at this ugly shirt.  I actually had one person walk past and say to her companion "Oh my god, what an ugly shirt!".    Then they look at me differently when my radio starts talking at me from my pocket.    *crackle* *hiss* "tech1 to any ops," *hiss* "zero sparky" *crackle* "zero operations aramika, location??"  *hiss* *crackle* "chilli to operations aramika, get a couple 70s and some gaff up to the 1st prom asap"  *hiss* *crackle*  "zero chilli, i'm offsite getting a feed, solve your own problems or i'll use your toothbrush to scrub the toilets."  Funny how the jargon and the injokes make no sense to the people who comment on my shirt.  Funny how with a radio, I can almost pretend I have some kind of status.  hahahaha  i have no status.  but my pocket talks to me.....  
  There's this italian girl I know who wears those new fashioned pants, with the waist cut really low to show off the hips.  Most guys know that this should usually show off a thong, or the like, and they'll frequently stare.  Except this Italian girl doesn't wear a thong, but those big grandma panties, the big cotton ones.    Well, one day she had a grand canyon sized plumber's crack going, and with her being italian and showing some buttcrack, we started humming the theme from the Super Mario Bros.    Everyone quickly caught on to our little joke, and she's still pissed off.    But she still wears that kind of pants, and she still shows off the plumber's crack, and we still hum the Mario Bros. Theme song.    
  She was an old friend. And we had some good sordid fun in the past. We had gone out for drinks and perhaps had a few too many. We were giggling and almost naked when.... ...the door to my flat opened and my girlfriend (and flatmate) returned home a day early from her business trip. As one can imagine, I had some explaining to do....      
  I went out to the kitchen to make a sammich, and there was motherfuckin Mothra in the kitchen.  This bug was bigger'n' Jesus and Muhammad put together!  I left it alone, made some salami and swiss on a potato roll with Russian mustard, and came back here.        
  she looked at me and said "I worry about you..." and all I could think was "why?..you're the one making minimum wage for the last 10 years."  
  i'd been a recreational drug user for about 7 years but never felt bad about it. it wasnt until i found myself at a party in a tiny bathroom with 3 other guys freebasing by burning a spoon over a candle that i stopped for a second and said, damn, i'm a fucking junky. so true, but it didnt stop us from doing it on the kitchen stove when we decided we didnt care if anyone knew...  
  My parents helped me move up to college. After we had gotten everything unpacked it was late so they stayed the night at my place and slept in my roommates room because he hadn't shown up yet. later that night my girlfriend came over. During that night i showed her some pictures of the first time i got stoned along with the story and after that we broke in the new bed. She left a coupel hours later. Well, my mom wakes me up in the morning before they leave. During our good byes mom tells me that the walls are really really thin and that i should keep it down at night for my roommate. hey, at least she was cool about it and played dumb.  
  Sitting around a table at Denny's late at night. It seams the less sleep you have the more inappropriate people behave.  The discussion turned to the topic of an aquintance that had become a parapalegic in a car accident, developed liver failure, and more recently had committed suicide.  I commented on how I hadn't really gotten to know him all that well before the accident.   The fact that him and his friends jumped me kind of stunted the growth of our relationship.   But it was ok, my good friend was at the dinner table there at Denny's last night. He defended me by yelling...  "Look who's laughing last now that he's killed himself!"  the rest of the restaurant went quiet as you can imagine.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i put my dick in a pvc pipe once and got a hardon.  then my dick was too big to pull out and i was too young to lose an erection for a while.  I locked the door and watched mcgyver with a four foot long fallus.  
  Once I was a camp counselor for a bunch of sixth graders.  I noticed one kid wouldn't shower.  "Could you watch my clothes?  See, they're going to try and get my underware, cause, well...I...I shit myself"  They called him Chucky Shit-chips.  Damn kids are cruel.        
  I met this guy in a bar in Californina. He looked just like Johnny Depp.  He sent me an email when I got back to NY and asked if I could get him a "Jobby-job". California just lost its appeal.    
  I used to date this girl that was a real head case. The second week we were together she started to give me head. I was pleased to say the least not only because she the first to ever be so kind but also because she gave head as though it were her job; swallowed and everything. Well, when month three rolled around and head was still her weapon of choice yours truly became a little bored. So one day I decided to try something.  I was in her room, getting fellated, when I decided that I wanted to blow my wad on her face. It was very spur of the moment and the manner it which I did the deed was very improvisational. I simply let her do what she did best right up until I was about to orgasm. At that point, I let out a cry of pain, as though she had hurt me. She, concerned for my safety, stopped gobbling my goose and looked up to see if I was ok.   I could not have planned it better...  The majority of the load was spread all over the right side of her face, I gave her a man-juice eye patch and pearl highlights for her hair. Her physical reaction to the money shot, however, was the most memorable. It was like one of those scenes from a war movie when the brave soldier is shot up in slow motion. His body contorts and is taken back with every bullet.   Once I finished she simply placed her hand underneath her face, so as to prevent any drippage, and walked to the bathroom to wash up. Although I smile and laugh about what happened now at the time emotion escaped me; I was in  complete awe of the situation. When she came back she did not say a word about what happened. She just took off all her clothes and then took my virginity.  She was fucked up for sure, but she was a trooper to say the least!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Somewhere in Southeast Michigan, someone has a videotape of me vomiting on the side of a house, followed by a drunken apology to the homeowner.  I've never been fortunate enough to see this tape, but I'd be willing to bet it's pretty damn funny.  
  him: "You know how magic cards have things like, "summon creature" on them?" me: "Yeah." him: "If you were a magic card, you would be "Summon Orgy." ~puck~   
  i was at a jazz contest, and had to use the bathroom.  so i asked somebody whose school it was where the boy's room was, and he pointed it out to me.  it was dark.  black.  i couldn't see anything.  nor could i find a light swithch  anywhere .  i searched for a light switch for about 10 minutes.  then i decided it wasn't worth it.  if they wanted to hide the light switch, it was their problem.  so i cracked the door to allow some light, unzipped, and let fly.  i made sure to rotate juvenilely, just so i could be positive i was making a huge fucking mess.  
  When I was seventeen I fucked one of my hot co-workers in the parking lot of a United States Postal Service building.  Isn't that a federal offence?  
  He says, "Your educational system levels you the same way farmers level their eggs. Does that upset you?"  She says "No, works great for me."  He says "Well which one is it?"  She says "I'm definitely the egg."  Conversation ceases, permanently.  
  My family had two cars (I say had)  I was driving downtown, when I suddenly lost control and hit a car parked along the street. Guess who's car I hit?  Yes, the other family car  
  Fresh off the boat, I was working as an auto mechanic out on Lawn Gisland.  Driving home one night, in my mechanic's uniform, I spot a car broken down on the LIE.  Unaquainted with the ways of American life, I stop to help.  As I approach, the driver locks the doors, rolls up the windows, stares straight ahead.  I try to get her to pop her hood, but she keeps staring straight ahead.  I get even more confused when she finally rolls down the window a crack and slips a folded $20 through it, all while staring straight ahead.  America, land of the free, home of the brave...  
  Looked down today and noticed I had a skid mark in the shape of mickey mouse.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After the first American Pie movie, band dorks were out in force with the "one time at band camp..." quote.  It died out quickly because they all realized that they were making fun of themselves.  But the rest of the world still loves to make fun of them.  Almost everyone not involved in music in grade school will quote that phrase and think they are the wittiest shits in the world.  It quickly loses its novelty.  But then again, maybe I am prejudiced.  I was a band dork of the supreme variety.  Enough that I majored in Music Education and I teach high school band currently.  So I am a professional band dork.  25 yr old loser, band dork, no girlfriend, but have about 6-8 fourteen to eighteen year old girls with a crush on me.  Sometimes I wish it was band camp.  At least then I might get laid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and I were talking about mullets. Some guy pipes in, "what's a mullet? Some sort of haircut?"  My friend looks at him levelly and says, "it's an achy breaky big mistakey"  I shot coffee out of my nose.  It hurt.   
  So one evening, me and RN decided to find us some gals after we had our weekly Italian meal in Portsmouth, VA. We had already drunk a split of Chianti when we headed for the bars that catered to sailors.  We walked in the first place and split up. RN found a passible-looking brunette within five minutes of walking in. I found a nice looking blonde on the other side of the room but she was alone. The brunette had a friend.   We hooked up with the brunette and her friend and left for their place.  We were service men in the strictest sense of the word and these women wanted to be serviced by men in blue.  Twenty minutes into fucking, RN's gal asks him if he'd like to switch because I had her friend moaning and groaning.    So RN says, "As soon as you get me off, you can sample my friend if that's O.K. with your friend."  And she says, "She's really not my friend. She's my mom and mom won't mind."              
    I asked my Boss why he was always so Negative.  He never gave me a straight answer, but he did keep giving me shit day after day...  One day I quit my job at in the middle of a huge project, and on my way home dropped off the security cam video of him screwing his secretary in the board room at his house.      
  I need to have far less self pleasuring Having spent so much time single... you kinda get into habits but then you get into a real, serious, and sexual relationship, and you really dont need to as much. But then again, you've been working yoruself for so long... you forget that fact. Thenyour with said girlfriend and you have certain issues because she should up and you'd performed maintenance before she pays a surprise visit for a booty call.   
  It was the first blindingly-bright day of the Summer and I popped into Revco to buy some cheap sunglasses.  She was 70 or so, dressed very neatly.  She showed me where the mirror was and we chatted for several minues, me with a big price tag sitting on my nose.  When I said that I'm in medical research she looked at me like a I was a hero.  I just smiled and left her to her fantasies.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  all the girls at my school wear belts. i dont understand why though, i mean their pants are so damn tight. i have come to the conclusion that it is so that they can use the belt to whip who ever they are fucking in the bathroom. i think i will be a bad boy from now on.  
  I got banned from Crayons, Paste, Play Doh, and soap because I got caught eating it too much in kindegarten. Everyone once in a while, when with my really young cousins, I sneak a pinch of play doh and remember the good days.  
    I took a crap and imagine my horror that it was a clay-colored gray. Then i remembered that i had eaten a whole box of sugar soaked and chemically dyed frootie-toodies. I felt better, for a second.  
  When I was 14 or 15 or even 16 I would get so desperate for a smoke, that I would scrounge around outdoor ashtrays just to see if someone left half a cig or something.  I've even went so far as to smoke butts that I just picked up in the gutter or the ground.  I even got my friend John doin' it.  If I'm out of smokes and money, I'll still do it.  Now that I have a job, I'm paying to kill myself slowly.  
  so two hours after taking the gel-tab, im sittin on this couch babbling incoherently with my friends. There is a spaceman talkin to some guy across the room, and the roots are blaring from the speakers.   then the nitrous comes out.  then i cant hear anything. then i can't move. then my hands are tingling.  then im freezing. then i pass it on.   it's all fun and games till the nitrous comes out.  
  Doing Speed Balls Killed John Belushi..  Killed Some other Celebritys also...  Someone Told me it was a mixture of Alcohol and cocaine..  Another told me it was a mixture of Cocaine and heroine..  I hope they're both wrong for my sake...  I only Say this because I hate hospials...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Stopping by the stop and steal, buying smokes and beer, not gas, not using the ATM, talking to the employees. "How much business do you have? The management before was zapped by the across the street service station. Will you make it? I hope so. You're prices are more realistic."  In his broken English he said the Houston owners were spending too much money on this place trying to compete with the local kingpin.  The local kingpin offers ATM services for the local BIG COMPANY credit union at no extra charge. The local kingpin is probably a relative of someone who works for THE BIG COMPANY.  I don't have much hope for the place. In a small town, folks take care of each other politically and financially.  Sad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I awoke to the noises of people talking somewhere.  They hurt my head so bad and i was wet all over. Oh yeah,That was the night i drank a bottle of Absolute Vodka and awoke in the bottom of a basement of somwhere on campus with a flashlight shined in my eyes.  Do you know where you are?  The man with the flash light asked. I not understanding at the moment grinned stupidly back, so he repeated the question. I then noticed that this man was a policeman.  Looking around my self i noticed a pool of blood and stairs. So i answered back "teXAS?" Immediately they rushed me to the hospital where i was informed that i had fallen down the stairs of my dorm and knocked myself unconcious only to awake in the hands of the law.  Boy college is ruff.  
  Ok so I have came to the conclusion that you can't take sex too serious  Take my boyfriend and I   One-night things were getting to be very serious Nature did not like that. We rolled over onto the floor of his tent (pitched in my basement). Landed on something knocked over a sippycup, but continued His was in a shirt and toe-socks (spongebob)(we also were watching a spongebob movie at the time) I was in a skirt, tank and thigh highs. Well right when I was getting very voicey about how I was liking it. My grandma came home and asked if I was alright   Now if you were serious about sex you would have freaked. We got dressed and started again after a while   
  When we call a man a "jerk," we are referring to the old myth that masturbation causes feeblemindedness and the eumphmism "jerking off."  This implies a woman can never be a jerk, becuase she has nothing to jerk.  What should we call such women misfits instead? "Rubs?"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've spent many,many afternoons making love to my best friend's wife, and many, many of those same evenings having dinner with the two of them, plus my wife.  I'm going to hell and I don't want to stop.  
  When you were four, it was alright.  But as you got older you thought that it would seem disgusting.  At what age does it become socially accepted to pick your nose in a small gathering of friends?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so my (male) friend was sitting on a ledge, legs spread, my other (also male) friend sitting between them. john (the first one) jokingly says "okay, its time to hump david (the other one) again. david missed this comment and a few seconds later, completely unknowingly says "okay, something just poked me, and im bleeding". those of us that only heard the comments and didnt see anything had no idea he was talking about his arm...  
  Bad luck. Struck down by a magenta ford hatchback  from 1990's driven by a man born 1930's at the latest while riding my 1960's bicycle. Shopping for ugly  1970's clothing in a thrift store when one of my favorite songs ever, created in 1980's is interrupted for a spanish intercom announcement.   the rest of the story is too depressing to type out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Is it wrong that I find myself more attracted to someone if I find out that they're homeless?  I think it's because I think I have a better chance of gettin some because they really need a place to sleep.   
  After the Sept 11th attacks, US airlines desperately tried to come up with ways to attract customers back.  One of them demonstrated a new line of uniforms for the press. The most noticeable change was the the stewardesses skirts, which had been shortened  dramatically.   Exec: "You understand, this is just one possible change, but this one is testing well."  Reporter: "Do you have a new slogan to go with the outfits?"  Exec: "No, we think the old one is still appropriate: 'We love to fly,  and  it shows."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         R Kelly got arrested *again* today for child pornography. I think he and Ol' Dirty Bastard accidentally got the other guys' stage name.  
  do you ever look at a sandwich and just think, " i cant eat this sandwich, its just way too perfect, the lettuce is all crisp, bread is perfectly symmetrical. what a great sandwich. stupid sandwich has to look so great, now i cant eat it, and im really hungry too. DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU, YOU FUCKING SANDWICH, IM JUST TRYING TO EAT LUNCH HERE! damn you (sob) damn you (sob) you perfect beautiful sandwich (sob) you. you just have to sit there so good-lookin and crisp."  no, neither do i.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just realized that subconsuously i rig my room so that i can operate it more easily when i'm drunk.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In a fit of unemployed, patriotic pathos I took the New York City police exam. Sitting in a junior high school classroom in Queens I survey the people around me. This one forgot her ID. That one didn't bring a pencil. One keeps sucking the snot back into his chest because he didn't bring any tissues. This is New York City's Finest? Sheesh, we're in trouble.  
  So, check it out. For some reason, I decided to see if someone had registered "feces.com." They had. It went to a weirdo porno site. No big shock there.  But then, I figured that a good, funny, satirical name for a dot.com would be "myfeces.com" -- but someone has that, too. No website. But they did register it. And it's a woman:  Michelle Lehman    michellel@home.com -DOMAIN-NAME-FOR-SALE- 3621 East Coconino Place Phoenix, AZ 85044 US Phone- 4807056161  Fax- 4804968289  Give her a call. Ask her why she thought it would be a good idea to register "myfeces.com." Ask her who she expected would contact her. Ask her how much she thought she would get.  See, if you're going to register a fucked-up domain name, do it for its own sake, not as a way to make money. Me, I've got deadbunnies.com, punchjesus.com, rapeyoursoul.com and smearedwithfeces.com. Quality names. Names that you can be proud to have. Smearedwithfeces.com is a fake pretentious artist's website. Someday I'll do something with the others. God help us all.  
  the glass may be terminally empty but at least we can see the glass and dont pretend that its some big ol yellow smileyfaced blowjob queen who thinks we are the studmuffins we delude ourselves into being and glass when hurled at the highest velocity at a cold and unforgiving brickwall makes a dazzling display with the soft tinklings of new rain        
  Interesting remarks made at Urinals - Part 1:  I have a thing for the name Bob (not for guys named Bob - just the name) I use it all the time in my examples of random things.  Example: This guy, Bob, was walking down the street.  Well, my freinds always poke fun at me for this because Bob makes an aperance in almost Every conversation within which I partake.  These are the same friends with whom I did see the film "Titan A.E." where they name the planet NewEarth, Bob! I stood up in the theater and did a little Woohoo celebration due to Hollywood's vindication of my little obsession.  Anyway, after the movie I head towards teh bathroom to return my large drink to the movie theater, and step up to an urinal. My friend J. steps up to the one next to me turns to me and says:  "I will never make fun of you again!"  Now both he and i know that he was talking about the 'Bob' thing. But, damn I felt good when i realized how that must look/sound to everyone else in teh bathroom!  
     So I met an exchange student from China. "You speak Mandarin?"  "Yes."  "Can you teach me a little?"  "Yes, okay."  "How do you say, 'Shut the fuck up you dumb bastard.'?"      
  i used to have a room-mate who claimed to beat off 7 - 10 times a day. i believed him... his room always smelled like cum. he spent the rest of his time balancing pots of coffee with many bong hits and playing civilization 2 for days on end. rumor has it he hadn't touched a real girl in years... whenever he would see some hottie on tv or wherever, he would yell "fucking bitch" and go storming off... usually to his room... for 15 minutes... then he would return... calm again. we stopped talking after he almost beat up my brothers.  
  I tithe (tithing means to give 10% of profit or income to the church) money from drug sales.  Think about it. Who needs god's protection more: A housewife/mother of three, or a drug dealer?  
    I go to the store, I need shampoo.  This one is $.89 and this one is $5.99 and this one is for oily hair and this one is for dry hair and this one is for color-treated hair and this one is medicated and this one makes you have an orgasm by the smell alone.  Why does it have to be so confusing?  I want a big fucking bottle marked SHAMPOO.  I leave the store empty handed.  I think there are trial sizes from hotels under my sink, and there's always dish soap.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've just realised I like an Elton John song after I found it's a cover  Man I'm glad I'm drunk or I'd do myself some self harm  
    2 pkgs instant oatmeal (apple cinammon) 2 tablespoons canola oil (cooked with bud for 1/2 hour) 5 liberty cap mushrooms, ground to powder  Breakfast of champions.  
  My girlfriend's car got vandalized. They couldn't steal the stereo, but they tried pretty hard, and messed everything up.  Getting insurance check, but why waste it on the dash AND a new stereo? So bought a new stereo (after dash, window, and paint was fixed), carefully opened box to not disturb anything, and pulled out the new stereo.  Installed it, crammed the old one in the new box, put factory tape back in place.  Back to store, I wait in car while girlfriend goes inside, flirts with the high school flunky behind the register while "returning" the stereo. Voila! Free, new stereo - as long as you don't mind not keeping the box!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend once wrote a play for me. In it everyone worshiped me and thought that was I was their supreme ruler. It was set in a mental institution.  Rather disturbing really.  
  something just came to me while making a sandwich....  alcoholic jelly...    
  That day I hated everything. This stupid ugly white fur hat that I was forced to wear, every kid on the playground, and I was going to burst into tears any second.  Our substitute teacher came over. So young and lovely, she re-tied the stupid hat so gently, so caringly, I almost cried again in gratitude. Funny how someone kind has a way of showing up once we have given up.        
  I was 10 when I kissed a girl on the lips for the first time. She was so sweet, pretty, and fresh.   But then somebody started a rumour that she finger-fucked herself, and that I had kissed her on such a day. (At the time, I thought it was gross).  In light of that, I'd love to hook up with her again, but I hear she's working the streets.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Up the road by the forest, next to the gas station, is my broken down car."  Translated with Altavista Translator:  from English to Korean, then back to English from Korean,  gives us the phrase:  "Car lower part in the gas station where it breaks, me the side of next forest it is with a back high piece."  It's god-damned bebop, isn't it?  More wacky translations to come....   
  he said:  "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."   ahhhh, life in chicago  
  lowbrow is when you taste Listerine for the first time and you think "hey, this tastes like peppermint schnopps."  
  In high school, there was an assistant principal in charge of discipline...he was a royal asshole; mad with his tiny amount of power.  One day, me and two of my friends saw that his Bronco had the window rolled down a couple of inches, safeguarding his ride against the summer heat.  So we did the natural thing.  One guy would watch while another helped the third up to the window crack, and in this manner we each voided our bladders into his car.  There was an uproar, we never got caught, and he had to get his car reupholstered.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ya know that old saying "It's hot enought to fry an egg on the sidewalk"?   I did.  Not directly on the sidewalk of course, but on one of those iron water meter covers.    I must have been bored.        
  You know it's probably time to get a new job when you hate a coworker so much, you can't walk by their office without envisioning burying the claw end of a 22 oz. hammer in the back of their head.  
  lowbrow moment #1:     A friend of mine asked me to be a groomsman at his wedding and being a friend, I accepted.  Several weeks later, he informs me that I will have to provide $100 for the tux rental.  I was taken back a little, but I didn't mention it and tossed it up to friendship.  After the wedding and reception, when I went to change cloths and replace the tux, I noticed a VERY sizable split in the ass of the slacks.  Surprised that no one had noticed during the reception and feeling a little spiteful about paying for the rental of the tux, I put the slacks back in the bag, didn't say anything about the split, and haven't heard anything about it since.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few things come to mind that feel better than sex. 1. falling into the swimming pool after a day of yard work in 90 degree weather. 2. finally pissing after holding it for 10 minutes longer than you thought possible. 3. pulling out a really in there wedgie. 4. masturbating to old Brady Bunch reruns.  Wait, I guess that last one counts as sex, huh?  
  I think it's lowbrow to be satisfied with life because you can piss and smoke a cigarette at the same time. I mean, it's the best i've been in awhile.  
  If I ever finished a final before anyone else, I've always wanted to run down to the table where the finished tests go, slam my test on it and shout 'I am a   GOD!!' then run out of the room.   One day...  
  One time, when my little brother was in the bathtub, on his back...he pissed up in the air and it was landing right on his forehead.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         rowing in the storm like an idiot i knew my number had been called steve crane i kept saying to myself steve crane i thought i saw my true love swimming below the thrash of waves and dove to meet her deeper i swam knowing i wouldnt have enough air to make it back i screamed i love you into her ear below the crashings of the boat i reached the gunwhale and yanked myself into the filling boat gasping more water than air i wonder if she knows what blubBLUBblub means        
  I drive a special ed bus... you know, the short one.  I teach my kids to yell "Yeehaw!" "Chickenbutt!" "Shove yer hoffa!" and sing Supertramp songs.  
  There's a famous outdoor clothing company a couple hours from me that has an extremely liberal return policy -stuff is basically guaranteed for life. If you find something at a yard sale or the Sally that has their label in it, then  *cash register sound* . The other day I brought 2 pairs of jeans up to the counter (I paid 3 bucks). I told her they rode up on me funny and were too tight at the ankle. She gave me a queer look and walked off with them. 5 minutes later the manager came over to ask me if I'd known they were women's jeans. "Gosh, that explains it..." He gave me 60 bucks. I feel like a dairy farmer.  
        can say i entirely agree with the practice of pharmaceutical companies hawking their wares on television oh my life sucks and you agree so give me a pill so i can get better cant even imagine the number of social disorders have be caused by that type of marketing and media hype-o-rama  probably all of them  
  I was rolling hard (very high on ectsasy) one morning, and my bro was driving me home from clubbing when we were broadsided by a drunk driver.  I started to freak when the cops started to arrive, but they didn't talk to me.  I just stayed out of the way quietly tripping out on the flashing lights, and listening to the music of the firetruck's engine.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend decided to stop using straws because "no one can look manly when using those sissy sticks"  which makes me wonder: if a man can't look manly suckin a straw, how come that doesn't apply for cigarrettes?  i mean, think of the marlboro man!  and if you stuck a cigarrette on a straw and smoked through that, would you just look mysterious and androgynous, or just stupid?  
  I've had this asshole neighbor for five years who loves to blast his rap crap in his basement night and day, and his subwoofers make my house shake.  I've tried to be nice, asking him to keep the bass down, but he just seems to blast that shit louder.  Well, the other day, I relocated a colony of really pissed off fire ants outside the entry to his basement.  Man, that brother CAN dance!  I just knew I'd find a good use for those little bastards some day.  
  Cheap Vodka is the middle class man's X-Lax.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just got back from 9 months in afganistan, and im walking with the vets in a parade.  Im fairly good friends with them, they all respect me for fighting, from the crowd some old bitch yells at me to quit acting like im a veteran and a soldier.  To me this struck deep and hurt, to the old vets it was an act of war.  45 old guys in outdated uniforms attacked her and sent her to the hospital, sad but lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The automatic assumption that "if you play with fire, you're gunna get burned" isn't always true.  My friends and I play with fire all the time and we never get burned.  
  I was on my way back from my friend's place in The City, which involved taking the train and then driving some 20 minutes.  We just had Thai takeout.  On the train I developed a need to shit, but the shitters in the station were closed because they're worried about terrorists.  So I had to wait for the train to arrive at my stop. And as I was getting into my car, the pressure became very great.  I was uttering a great groan every minute as I was driving back.  After several groans the pressure was so great I was in great fear of passing out and crashing my car, so I did the only sensible thing.  I started to overcome my toilet training. I would let a small bit leak out, then it will feel better for a minute, then I would have to let a bit more leak out. By the time I arrived at home my underwear was completely soaked brown, with small bits of turd here and there.  I was 26 at the time.  
  my boss said that caspia smells like rotten crotch.....   
  I shot my first gun when I was five.  It was a shotgun.  
  The Reverend JJ Hong Kong and I had a large loft downtown where my girlfriend and our cat were permanent fixtures. We had raucous parties every night and the following day there would be empties everywhere, half of them spilled. "What kind of shitbags are we inviting in here?" thought JJ and myself until one morning I discovered Booger tipping a half-full skunky beer and drinking it off the ledge. Turns out the cat was a souse...given the environment, I guess that shouldn't surprise me.  
  For my amateur paper on Quantum Physics, the highly 'intelligent' piece of software known as Microsoft Word doesn't recognize the word "hadron," one of the elementary particles.  In its ever-so-helpful suggestiveness, though, it recommends that I replace it with  "hard on"  My physics professor would love that!  What a refined world we live in these days (thanks Microsoft!).  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a kid I thought my little sister talked too much, so I superglued her lips together. Dad had to unglue them with paint thinner. He showed great restraint in not beating me senseless.        
  i always thought it would be funny to call somebody a 'chump'.        
  [joining a rant about rainy SF weather in progress]  "...I dont even own a fucking umbrella, all I have is my big floppy leather hat.  But I dont even have that because I wore it to Jamie's the other day and left without it because I seem to have my head up my ass".  My friend Linda mused, "well, you don't really need it, because in this case, your ass would be like a hat".          
  THis was good times when I was young: we used to go to this big pipe where raw sewage flows into the ocean, and we'd throw skittles at the chunks of toilet paper and poopy corn kernels.....yeah....good times...  
  I wasn't sure if I was destined to stay a nerd forever until I had sex in the parking lot of a Fry's electronics store.  
  I have this little cousin about the age of 4 or 5 and he likes to eat things..any thing, dirt leaves stones...his all time favorte is dog food.  Well one time me and my family where outside and we saw my little cousin eating something... thinking that he had been in the dog food again his mother took his hand and promptly began digging it out of his mouth...only to be horrifyed if not sickend.  There big mastif dog had barfed up on the lawn near by and my cousin had decided to sample some of the warm pre-eaten treat.  now there is a flavor to describe.  
  The secret to looking impressive is to have your desktop covered - not randomly, chaotically covered, but covered in an orderly fashion - with papers, notes, charts, diagrams, and documents of every project that you are involved in, have been involved in, or are peripherally involved in, and occasionally move one or two of them a few inches. Seriously - it works. Why, here I sit, my desk covered in six 1/2-inch high stacks of paper, two of them fanned out so that I can easily see the contents. Five people have come to my cubicle to talk to me. Three have left without speaking to me directly. They just look at my paper-strewn desk and my industrious keyboard action, and make that "I'll catch you later, when you aren't so swamped" face.  
  I had a buzz one night and clicked on one of those banner adds for "penis pills".  What the hell.  I ordered them.  A few weeks later they arrived.  The pills are shaped like little penises.  That's kind of embarrassing but I take them anyway.     
  he said to her you can slap your best oscar winning twenty dollar schmooze on her but ill be fucked if shes gonna give us thirty grand she looked down dejectedly then he said hell to get that kinda cash we d hafta sell the boy the toddler looked up with  whatthefuck written all over his face   
   CB Radio: A Short Romance  Back in its heyday, my wife and I drive down to Washington DC and back. Annie'd never tried CB before, and she  loves  it! She adopts the handel "Cheyanne" (Shy Anne, in case you missed it), and chats happily with strangers all the way down. Two days later, she chats non-stop all the way back up. She's having the time of her life! We get onto the CBE (Cross-Bronx Expressway*), and she gets a call to her handle from some guy wid a tick Bwooklin accent. He: "Hey, Cheyanne! D'you want some toob-steak?" Annie looks stricken, hangs up the mic, and never reaches for it again.  -------------- *All the other major arteries in NYC are named after people and so on. The CBE is simply named because it makes you cross.  
   Ever worry that someone has put semen in your shampoo, and you dont notice becuase it looks exactly the same?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first roommate in college had some of the worst gas I've ever had to smell.  Lucky for him we were friends before college so I would put up with it.  We had bunked our beds and late one night he farted between the wall and the beds it carried down into my face.  Another time he hopped off the top bunk and stuck his ass in this fan that was keeping us cool and definately aimed it at me as he let go of some toxic fumes.    But that's not the worst of all.  One guy that came around quite often was over at the wrong time.  My roommate decided he wanted to fuck with the guy and he pulled down his own pants, spread his ass cheeks and farted right in the guy's face.  He got pissed off and said that was disgusting and then told us he could see a turd in his ass.  Things could have been worse for me -- I could have been that guy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Carl Budding   Smoked  Sliced  Chopped  Pressed  Cooked  Chicken looks much like I would expect Smoked, Sliced, Chopped, Pressed, and Cooked people to look. It's even about my skintone  
  So here I was sitting at the local dive bar, ironically named "The High Brow". Well, I start to make out with the waitress for the second time this week. In-between deep kisses, she would pull back and tell me that she was insane. Well, I laughed and continued to press the issue at hand a bit further. Coldplay was playing on the jukebox, so I had this eerie feeling of being in a music video, being filmed kissing some lunatic cocktail server while soft, sad music fills the room.  In the end, she stood up and told me "That the only thing we find sexually attractive about each other is that we are both on the downslope of our lives."  I replied "Thanks", and got up and left, holding my bloody lip from when she bit it.   
  What am I missing right now? a cold Guinness stout, a pipe with primo Humboldt weed and a vibrator... hmmm I wonder if my boss would mind  
  way back in the day when i was in 6th grade me and my friends were talking and then my other friend came over. We noticed that he had two perfectly circular "brusies" on each of his cheeks.  We asked him what was up with that???   His responce:  "Oh I just tried to give my self a hickey with the vaccuum cleaner."  how low can you go?  
  One night, right when I was getting ready to go to sleep, I saw a TV special on old people with alien hand syndrome.  I went to Meijer and bought a blank tape to record it.  When the old man bit his hand to punish it I just about shit myself.        
   I'm at this wedding but I sure as hell don't wanna be. There are three, count them three, ex-girlfriends of mine going to be here dressed to the nines and two of them are single. I'm still a single guy and haven't gotten any in the past five minutes so it spells disaster. I sit at the singles table and two of them are there. They seem more interestred in being catty to each other than keeping my attention so i become the open-bar hound. 2 or three cocktails later she walks up, with her fiance and starts some idle banter. Within 10 minutes of that conversation we are in some half-finished office of the country club and i am going to town like a rabbit who finally left the priesthood. So a year and a half goes by. Im at another wedding. Of course, shes married now and of courese she has a baby. How old? ask I about nine months she says to me winking. Winking? What the fuck is that? The room gets really small and I blather something like congrats and bolt. I'm leaving this town. I've fucked enough of these women and the paternity suits are piling up.  God I hate weddings.        
  Quote ***** God damn I REALLY have to pee...  i mean really   you have no clue   i'm ready to explode   you think this is funny?   neither do i   i think it's painful.   crap.   maybe i should just sit here and finger my perioding self until something neat happens...would that be funny? Maybe I should write messages on the computer monitor with my sloppy wet bloody goodness for my mom when she gets home. Would that be funny? I'm out of tampons. God dammit. Is that worse than my need to pee? I really don't know! Maybe I should hang bloody tampons from the light pully things so when she goes to turn on the light to get on the computer her hand will be covered in bloody goodness...that yummy chunky stuff...the slimy stringy kind of period that's fun to play with in the bath tub. But wait...I have to pee...or am I just excited about torturing someone with my terrifying deadly blood crotch of doom....mwa ha haaaaa....feel the wrath of my warm stink goo....   ****  endquote   -me  SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!  There are actually people like this?  I don't know what disturbs me more, the simple content "terrifying deadly blood crotch of doom"  (jesus save my ass)  or the fact that I have yet to share a beer with them.  
  I have a gas attendant at my work who is 100% pure redneck.  He's smelly as shit, wears the same clothes and has blackheads covering his whole face.  He asks me if my girl was knocked up (cuz she was on crutches...?)  I said no, he replied, "Well my girlfriend's ankles swollened up when she got pregnant.  And guess what, it ended up being twins!"  I smiled and replied, "Oh, that's great how old are they?"  He thought for a second and said, "Hmm they're 10 and 12 now."  *unsettling silence*.... "Oh...that's nice", I replied.    -All hope in humanity, ripped apart in a New York Minute-  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me three months ago talking to friends who all bought belts: belts are for pussies, yall a buncha pussies!  now i am buying a belt, for fear that someone will pull my pants down. even though they were right, i should have got a belt, i will never admit it. i will just say that it is to much of a chore pullin up my pants.  
        So there I was,thinking I was this banking Goddess...showing 25 Taiwanese visitors where their limosines were...when BAM!!! I walked into the door.  
  To the person who invented the detachable shower massager;  I don't know you but I think I love you!  
  I watched Mike drop-trou over the saltwater fishtank.   "They wouldn't let me in the bathroom," he grinned.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Returning home from my second year of college and being confronted upon arrival by my mother for not wiping my feet or vacuuming my old room.  When I asked what she meant, she said she cleaned the carpets throughout the house.  Most of the house yielded grayish dirty water in the cleaner; in my bedroom, and particularly one part of it, the water came up as a tarry, black substance.  She said it took her hours to get the carpet in my room as clean as the rest of the house.  Then it occurred to me:  she was cleaning up about four years worth of nightly to twice or more nightly semen stains from my habitual evening masturbation in high school.  I always "hid the evidence" by flinging the goo down on the carpet on the far side of the bed.  Masturbating and flinging it on the floor:  trashy.  Mom cleaning the carpet and complaining about the unknown stains:  lowbrow.  Maybe I should have suggested she use a bit of soda water first next time . . .  D--  
  when at the hospital due to an anophilactic shock from peanuts, my girlfriend starts looking around in cupboards for drugs we can steal.  She walks around to the other side of the cot and looks down blankly horrified at what was on the floor.  1 pair of dirty granny gitch 1 pair of urine stained pants 2 pairs of women`s underwear 1 pair of men`s tighty whities   Mix all of the above in large bowl and bake at 350degrees for 35 mins.  Take out and let cool. Serves family of 5, alergic reactions include, gonerrea, siphilis, and HIV   Receipe: STD ROOM at ANY SURROUNDING DOWNTOWN HOSPITAL   
  I 'm driving my friend back home with a girl that i just met a few hours before in a bar.From the time we get into my truck,and the time that we dropped my friend at his home , I had my hand in her pants.It was pretty wet...Then we stopped 2 blocks away from her home to get workin' .Suddenly she say:"I'm in my second day of my period...But don't worry normally I don't have any clot of blood"  Next thing I know, I was driving back to home and thinking of that slut and that red shit on my hand that I will found as soon as got home...  
  ok, i'm positive about this now:   lowbrow beats amihotornot, hands down.  but is it really a good thing that i'd rather oogle spurious thoughts than hot girlies?  
  we found it..  the perfect place one block away from school an abandoned convenience store yesterday afterschool my friends and i pried off the planks boarding it up we spent today's lunch cleaning it up inside...  it's gonna be our new smoke spot.. its the pinnacle of all our teenage dreams as we were in there cleaning up, we heard a car pull up... the next thing we here is, "Alright boys we know you're in there, come out with your hands up!"  we froze in panic... finally got up enough courage to open the door. slowly we all filed out with our hands over our heads... all of a sudden there was a flash...  we saw the guy in the pickup put away his camera, give us the peace sign and speed off.... we decided that if he ever comes back we're gonna smoke him down with all of our weed...  none of us stopped shaking until about an hour later... that guy's my hero  
  I haven't been to work in over a month. I've developed this habit of thinking it's wednesday every day.   I went to the mall for opening time, hoping to beat the crowds. turns out it's not wednesday as I had thought but sunday. good thing the donut shop was opened early, nothing better to keep you company for 2 hours than donuts.  
  My roommate tells me he's going to be gone for a few days.  "Party time," I think to myself.  Then I remember that I don't have any friends.  
  Pulling off my pants in the locker room....oh fuckin A I forgot to shave my legs.  I hate it when that happens.  I don't wear shorts in the fall, so why should I shave my legs?  Gym class, that's why...only I never know that's why when I'm in the shower...the thought doesn't cross my puny fucking mind. "Uh yeah, coach I forgot my clothes.."  Taking a zero is much better than having that cute soccer player see stubble on my legs. Right?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Today this girl at work started hitting on me .  No, I mean really *hitting* on me.   It hurt.       
  actually, i guess not so sboer anymore, after this one...  frat party  drinking until 4 AM  sleep until 3 the next day  roommate has friends over  i'm hung over  and the two words to make the moment prefectly lowbrow? "morning wood"    
  When cybering, always be careful to remember that the "O" and the "I" keys can easily be accidentally exchanged. Make sure you don't make this mistake particularly with the word  "stoke."   Nothing kills the moment like saying, "I feel your throbbing cock up against me and I begin to strike it..."  
  You know it's time to say fuck denial and admit you live in the ghetto when you walk out of your apartment to your car with a piece of pumpkin pie in your hand because you were running late, and not one...BUT two ghetto children run up to you and say "Hey, do you think I could get a piece of that?"    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Brothers-In-Law, Take 2  From Take 1:  He took her away to Vancouver, BC, to get her away from her family, then kept her virtually imprisoned for fifteen years and, five years after she finally broke free of him, is still stalking her regularly.  When they first moved to Vancouver, my sister proudly told me that he was a professor at BC University. I went to visit, and asked him about his work. He, in his lifelong phony Engish accent: "Ew, I work in research with the electron microscope." Me: "Do you have any teaching duties that interfere with your research?" He: "Ew, no!" I'm impressed as hell. It's rare to land a research position that doesn't come with teaching duties. I ask him to describe his research. He: "Well, I work with the electron microscope..." I know quite a bit about electron microscopes. They're impressive, but just a tool, after all. Me: "Yes, you already said that. But what do you actually research  in ?" He: "Weeelll -- I don't do any actual research, per se..." My sister sits proudly beside him, beaming at me. I'm too kind to tell her that she's married to a lab assistant, and a lying, pompous one, at that. Given what later happened, I should have been less kind...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today i was sleepy and made the decision that i wasnt going to church tomarrow, instead i was going to sleep in.  Right after making that decision in my mind, i decided to get a bowl of lucky charms.  The milk tasted good at the time ...but after huddling on the shitter for 2 hours i made the conclusion that the milk was spoiled.  I think that proves to you God is kinda does have a sence of humor: a sick and twisted one.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If woman ran the pentagon would missles be shaped differently?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Its ok to piss in the sink.  Really.  Urine is sterile.  Its even ok to piss in the kitchen sink.  Even in the dark.  Just not in the sponge aparently.  
  Low?  I'll tell you what's low.  Its 2:39 on a Thursday, and I have nothing to do.  I have no job, I have no money, I have no hope of getting a job, I have noone to call, I have no websites left to read (besides the brow), I have nowhere to go, I don't really have enough money for gas to go somewhere free, I have no projects to work on (no money for supplies), I have only my comuter and the TV.  And to think, 6 months ago I was complaining about having to work until 8 at night, and not getting paid enough (when I was making almost 50 grand a year).  That's low.  
  Lots of people come and see me for job interviews. They bring with them CV's so full of bullshit, I can smell them before they enter my office. The biggest load of shit is "University". And I should know. The "top" university I attended actually gave me college credits for:        * "Italian Cinema"  (long live the spaghetti western!)        * "Death & Afterlife"  (I learned how to spell "pyre")        * "Biology of Drug & Plant Hallucinogens (ha! ha! ha!)        * "Zen & Eastern Culture" ("The mind is like an onion...") American's can suck their own dicks about how unparallelled their universities are but I guarantee you that no self-respecting European university would EVER contemplate offering a course in "Bob Dylan & 60's" or "An Introduction to Racquet Sports".    
  To keep that soft supple feeling to your leather-bound bible, just apply a thin coat of KY Jelly......    
   I get paid sh*t money to sell things like Nsync merchandise and other shameful things to people who have more money than I will ever have in my life.       
  M(etrocake): So that s what we do, drive down the LIE and make fun of Jesus.   N(ightskye): Angel and I do that kind of stuff all the time.   M: Don t get me wrong, there s plenty of cuddling and mushy stuff too.   N: But of course. That s what makes a good relationship. You have to have that proper balance of romanticism and heresy.    
  Always remember to remove the toothpicks from the Club sandwich *before* you bite into it...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my friend tells me that this other girl we know has a new boyfriend.  She tells me several things about him, including that they are very serious, that she and the girl got in sort of an argument because the girl ditched her for the boyfriend, and that the boyfriend doesn't like my friend... This was about 2 weeks ago.  Last night, the subject comes up again. At some point in the conversation, my friend mentions that the boy has one eye. And not only that, he lost the eye from a gunshot wound.  Now, I just don't understand how that wasn't the first piece of information she would give me about this person. I feel like it at LEAST warrants a spot in the top three...She told me all that other stuff and neglected to mention the ONE EYE!   
  Lychees, in the park. Fleshy, strange the first time. The children are there, one is his buggy, the other examining blades of grass that are between his legs as the sit on the ground, grabbing clumps in his tiny, rotund fist, a look of bewildered ecstasy he has.  Remember how we used to pretend they were ours. Implicitly of course. How I d sing Papa won t leave you henry to the little one? The other kid, he never liked me. I called him Damien. You asked me not to curse around him, or smoke, or lie there idly scratching my balls. What did I do with my time those days, other than fight with you. Fight all day, then later, midnight or so, around to karls, where we smoke, cigarettes, joints, maybe with a few cans or a bag of chips, and play games, cards, playstion, or watch videos. Me walking home at four, five in the morning, sometimes staying all night. Doing what? Remember me drunk, down the welfare collecting my rent, asleep on the seat outside, midday sun. Remember? Going to watch that 3-3 man utd liverpool game. Missed it. Woke up in bed, naked. No idea how I got there. None whatsoever. Match over, sky news with the highlights. Fuck. Classic. Missed. Pissed. Rent money cashed, off license, bread and crisps, sip, watch. Sometimes there d be a good film on, sometimes I d sit staring at the computer screen, tapping out words. Sometimes I d tune my guitar, e down to d, pretend I had something to say. Back around to Karls, 20 johnny blue, money for a video, some chicken balls and chips. Life? Nah.     
  I went to the last school dance high on several bottles of Robitussin.  
  I was at a friends house and on of my buddies informed me of this place that gave head for ten dollars.    Not that I care about that kind of stuff, but poking fun at it, I asked the female of the group, if she'd go with me.  She asked,"What do I get out of it?"  Stupid me responds, "ten dollars".  Yup. I got my ass kicked for that one.        
  Kentucky Jerkoff:  He's in front of me Still got his turn signal on from the last time he turned He's sightseeing, don't know where he's going He hits the brakes rhythmically which keeps me on my toes we're dancing he's leading   
    So I was buying some pot from my mom's ex-fianc , and as I left his house he said "You know, if you ever tell your mother about this, I will have to hurt you." to which I replied "You know, if you ever tell my mother about this, I will have to hurt you."     There was a moment of silence, and then he said "Agreed," shook my hand, and I went on my way.   
  On a trip from Dallas to Oklahoma City we stopped for subway. 30 minutes later my mother was heaving.   She'd stop, feel better, get back on the road and throw up again. Finally she said fuck it and kept on going as she vomited into paper towels because she wanted to get home and just go to bed.   I spent the next 5 1/2 hours handing her paper towels as we barreled down the interstate.  I couldn't take the sounds so I was listening to rap as loud as my cd player would go, just because the bass would drown out the hurling sounds. Best $80 for headphones I ever spent.  
  So my dad was watching play bass the other day and he comments:  "Looks good son, you've got those nice long fingers."  To this I replied:  "Yeah, the chicks love me for it"  He paused and then laughed, realizing I had made a joke.  Then the meaning of the statement set in and he leaned in and said to me:      "Just consider youself lucky.  I never could reach the G-spot when I was your age."  I love my parents, I really do.  
  upon meeting my friend willie for the first time, the first thing out of my mouth is "hey, thats the name of my vibrator!!!"  
  My ratio of spam mail received to legitmate mesages is about 5 to 1. The ratio of "Viagra offers" and "Baldness cures" to       "get-rich-quick schemes" is currently running about 3 to 2. In comparison, the only thing more lowbrow than this state of affairs is the guys/girls at the other end of these messages squandering their kharma to steal my nickel....  
  When I first met my boyfriend, I told him "Hey, don't ever do anything fucked up to me, because I'll only accept it up to a point, and then I won't care about you anymore, and THEN you'll regret everything you did."  So he said, "Well, I'll just apologize now because I already know I'll fuck up."  Yeah, he was right.  
   I went to starbucks today and said "can I just have a coffee?" and the dude asked me "What kind?"  "Just a coffee?" "We don't sell just coffee"  
  Have you ever looked at your own shit?  I once thought I saw an image of the David in it one time.  Then I realized, it was just the after effects of alcohol.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I pride myself that it takes a lot to perturb me and disturb my equanimity.  I'm also comfortable around just about anybody.  I'm completely opaque to what colour somebody is.  I can spend very pleasant time even with religious nuts and NRA maniacs and other people I completely disagree with.  I could brag on for a while, but this is lowbrow after all, so:  Ten years ago, I stopped on the road into Ithaca to give a guy a ride.  'Cept she was a woman. With a full, black beard.   Very pleasant, she was, and we had an interesting conversation about everything under the sun except for beards.  Ten years later, I still get the skin-crawling, creeping heebie-jeebies just thinking about her.  
  Fury440III: "it takes a pillage to raze a child" general673: village Fury440III: no Fury440III: its a pun Fury440III: "raze" Fury440III: "pillage" general673: and i takes only one child to bomb that fuckin village, just one         
  the other day I was trimming my pubes. one suggestion: use safety scissors or your sack'll get snagged.  
  I can't remember where I was when JFK was shot but I was getting head when the first American walked on the moon and I was really impressed.  Only thing is now I have to watch the old TV footage to see what I missed back then.        
  I haven't decided if I feel empowered knowing that anytime I really REALLY want to get laid, I can just call a prostitute.  I have never done it, but i'm not against it.  The only reason I haven't is because of frugality.  
  you know whats intensely disturbing...i live about 5 minutes away from the lowbrow offices.  
  I've learned a very important lesson.  When you're eating an apple, don't say, "Thank you." It sounds very close to "Fuck you."  
  I once asked the janitor what his favorite 40oz was.  He said, "the one that Lando Calrissian sonnuva bitch drinks."  Good answer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As most men, I enjoy a good blowjob as often as possible. So what do you say when you wake up in a bed you've never seen before and get told that you apparently fell asleep during one of said blowjobs? And stopped breathing in your sleep because you were so drunk thus keeping the poor girl that dragged your sorry ass home up all night?  Somehow, "sorry" didn't really cut it.  
  The two biggest laughs I got from watching TV were from A)Laverne and Shirley (something about talking mimes)!, and B) Three's company, when Jack made an offhand complaint from on top of a ladder.  We're talking rolling over and over on the floor, laughing 'til tears came.        
  Just a note before I begin: save up all the times you'd like to slap me for this and do it all at once at the end.  I'm at a hotel for a swimming tournament in college, and we all pair off in rooms.  Well, it's me and S (guys) in one room and L and BJ (girls)in another.  L and BJ are awesome-looking girls, friends for life and swimming hardbodies.  S and I go to their room, we're all hanging out.  BJ announces she's gonna take a bath.  Looks pointedly at me and asks if I'd like to join.  >interruption:  at this point of my life I was what I like to call "shy"   I say no thanks, but end up going into the bathroom to talk with her.  She's butt naked, not really trying to cover herself with a hand towel.  I don't get in the tub (hold on for the slapping!) because we weren't together like that (I hadn't quite figured out casual sex).  Meanwhile, S and L are trying to go at it.  However, S is hung like an elephant and it had been a while for L, so there was no success.  S ends up leaving, and L comes into the bathroom with us.  At this time, BJ and I have switched, I'm in the tub.  L holds up the key to get back into my room, asks me if I want it.  Makes me stand up in all my naked glory for them.  She slides the ring onto my cock, gets naked and gets into the tub with me.  BJ, who I didn't think wanted me to do anything, leans over and says that it's too bad I don't find her attractive, we could have had some fun.  (Okay, now I'm slapping myself!)  Me and L are in the tub, butt naked.  We talk a minute, kiss fool around, but I was so nervous, I COULDN'T GET IT UP!  She wouldn't play with it, so there we were.  Rather frustrating experience for the both of us.  We dry off, smile, and go back out to the room.  BJ is wearing (?) her blanket, and she pulls me down onto her bed, while L sits on hers.  They're talking back and forth some (L is deaf, and I didn't know sign language at that point), and BJ is playing with my balls and my taint ('tain't my balls, 'tain't my asshole), so I'm playing with her nipples.  But really that was about it, cuz not long after that, I went back to my room, jacked off, and went to sleep.  Turns out they had a bet to who would fuck both of us...  This, in and of itself is about as ashamed of a situation as I could be.  I just look back on that and tell myself that I could have had a completely no-strings attatched three or foursome, possibly my only chance in a lifetime, and I completely flushed it away by being a "nice guy".  That's why I'm an asshole now.  At least I get laid.  Feel free to slap me now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Patrick Stewart Jeremy Irons Hugh Grant Colin Firth Rick Mayall (and I'm talking my first crush ever here.  I was maybe 6 and in love with Drop Dead Fred and couldn't figure out why.) I have been an angliphile since before I knew what one was.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Metallica ain't got nothin on the International Silverscreen Submarine Band.  You rock, Spanky.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember back when I had dial up (kisses cable modem), going online took so much time I usually only did it for something important, like jerking off to internet porn.  It got so that those sounds of the modem logging on would give me a hardon.  I am the Pavlovian poster boy.  
  my friends and i have a ritual of filling a liquor bottle (usually cap't. morgaon's) full of piss before parties and leaving it on top of the fridge for any unsuspecting fuck that mooches other people's liquor.  it has yet to fail.  some douche and his friends always try to sneak attack the liquor in an effort to get extra fucked up for free when noone is around.  i can't explain how satisfying it is to know that so many people have had a drink of my and my friends' piss.  its so worth it, even when they dump it out on the kitchen floor.    
  Flashback to grade ten, last day of classes before exams in June. My buddy Pete and I decide to ditch our afternoon classes since we don't do shit on the last day anyways, and go smoke pot at his place. This was my second time smoking. So we go, get high, and laugh at bad porno movies. Then Pete gets the bright idea to go *back* to school, and we're still both high as a kite. I meant to say no, but what I actually said was "huh, good idea". We stumble back to school, and I manage to get into the music class, pick up my bass guitar, and sit down. Chris, another friend of mine walks into class, looks at me for less than a second, and goes "holy shit, you're really fucking high, aren't you?" I thought I was redeyed or something, and affirm. After spending the class laughing my balls off, quite stoned. I come up to him after class, and asked how he knew. He said because my eyes were red. That's what I thought. He also said I was drenched. I said "yeah, well, it's raining, genius". It wasn't raining that day.  
  i'm home for christmas break and am at church (against my will, mind you) and sitting with my friends.  this little shit behind us goes for a double-whammy both hands on the mouth fart noise and cracks up laughing at himself, all at a pretty serious moment in the hubbub of the service.  his mother was very upset.  i'm an intelligent 20 year old guy of reasonable sophistication, so it follows that i should have been appalled at such a juvenile and sophomoric joke.  i should've acted indignant and rolled my eyes and scoffed at the little prick like everyone else.  but god help me, i spent the next 10 minutes suppressing laughter.  it was such a fucking great lowbrow joke.  that must be why i laughed so much and no one else did.  
  when I was 16 or so, my sister made me laugh so hard whilst eating that a whole sphagetti string flew out of my nose onto her plate.  Now that I'm older, I've tried to recreate the experience, but always seem to end up choking. I guess family support on personal projects is indeed a valuable thing.  
  The snide attitude of the customer service lady at K-mart pissed me off. They are now the target of newly acquired hobby: Shoplifting. They are so stupid there. A guy I know who worked there told me that all those little round security camera things are really not hooked up to anything. Just for show. You can just go to any department, get a bag from the unattended cash register. Put whatever the fuck you want in the bag (make sure the little security stickers are off of it first, THOSE will bust you, but not every time.) And waltz right the fuck out of the store. Get stuff from electronics and tell them you are taking it to layaway. Walk in the direction of layaway and then walk out. It's almost too easy.  I hate snide attitudes.  
  So I recently found work at a gas station and...  Yesterday this guy walks in, and he's buying a 12 pack of beer or whatever when a fly buzzes by his head.  He gets all pissed off and starts swatting at it, complaining that with all the garbage in the world, the flies still have to seek out and annoy humans.  So I told him about all the bees that are flying around, because I had already killed 3 of them around the chewing tobacco.  And he says:  "Yeah, and those bees are really bad.  Like when you're taking a shower and they fly up into your hair... that's the worst.  I don't know if it's something to do with the shampoo or what, but.."  and I'm like, "Yeah, I hate that."  And as soon as he leaves I'm like "what the hell was he talking about?"  Does anyone know?  Because that's really bugging me.  
  When your taking a shit in flowing water remeber to face upstream.    
  "If the Eagles win this playoff game, we all have to get naked!" A quarter of football, a quarter of pot, and fifty bucks worth of Jagermiester later, we got naked and dirty.  J refused to take off his black cowboy hat. I refused to take off the backwards baseball cap that read "COCKS".  I sucked them all off, until Mike started puking out the third floor window.  ~puck~   
  You know what's pretty low? I'm lucky enough to have a job that doesn't require me to be at work before 10:00AM, but for some reason, for the two years I've been here, I cannot be on time. I'm always at least 20 minutes late. Except this morning. This morning I was two HOURS late. And the only difference is that people say "Hello", not "Good morning" when I arrive. Do they just not notice? *Sigh*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Portapotties are particularly uncomfortable environments for most people, even more so for me.  Whenever I've left a turd anywhere I turn around and check the little fucker out.  There's a lot to be learned from your turd.  It's colour, consistency, buoyancy, dispersion and general shape can tell you a lot about your health.    Best I not leave out the factor of pride either.  A good dump should be admired for a moment or two before it is sent to it's final resting place.  But every time I finish up in a Portapotty I rise and turn only to befuddled confusion.    Ack!  Which one's mine.  Oh there it is...    ...nope I didn't have corn yesterday.   
  I lost my wallet the other day. It was sitting on a 10 dollar bill, in front of my computer monitor. I woke up and the wallet is gone and the $10 bill is there.  You've got my ATM card,  you may as well take the $10.  The thing is, if there is a thief, I dont know if they are being courteous or an asshole.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend works at a convenience store, and hes alone after 2am. im 4 months away from being 'of age', (hes only 18, yet sells alcohol) so he tells me to come get some 'supplies' when hes alone so we can party later.   i go there, get some smirnoff's ice, and some white russians, and a big bottle of tequila. the time is 2:08.  i approach the counter, expecting him to pretend not to know me and ask for my id.   'dude, its against the law to sell alcoholic beverages after 1 am in this country.'  i had this terrible urge to just walk out, but i wanted to spare him filling out the 'beer run' paperwork.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When your suffering from stomach pains because you have to run to the toilet but your not moving because that l33t weapon in Everquest is about to spawn and you will loose it if you move.  Well that's when you have hit bottom.     
  I realized some time ago that if you can't fix it with a soldering iron or duct tape, it isn't worth fixing.  
  I went to see a movie on a tuesday night (cheap night!)  Just after the ads and promos and all that other bullshit they make you pay to see, this warning appears on the screen.  It goes a little something like this:  Piracy affects everyone in the movie industry.  It is illegal to record this movie.  If you see anyone with a camcorder, please report them to the manager.  I finished reading it, and in the dead silence (as everyone was reading it), I turned to my friend and said (a little too loud) "Yeah, I'll get right on that."  I've never heard a theatre of people laugh at something I said before or since.  
  I thought I was jaded. I thought I'd seen the lowest depths of sleaze that can be seen in these United States--I was so wrong.   Last night, my best freind and I went to the only bikini bar in the Antelope Valley, looking for a weird time. We wound up in some piss stained shack called Snookies. It was seedy--not good seedy, but desperate and depressing. Toothless bikers held down most of the interior, with the rest of it occupied by displaced Crips. A subtle undercurret of violence lingered in the air while schizophrenic junkie dancers gracelessly trotted around the room in gigantic shoes.   My eyes wandered around the room and settled on a redhead who looked reasonably attrractive. She caught my wandering stare, and launched herself in my direction. Oh Shit. What am I in for now? She started to talk to me through really big braces( which by the way, don't work really well with a tounge peircing). Close inspection of her body revealed a map of scar tissue. It seemed as if she had been assembled from spare parts--probably as a mate for some mad doctor's lonley homemade abomination. I sucked hard on my Corona, struggling with queasiness, room shifting at strange angles. She started a conversation, so I kept trying to say the right thing to make her vamp some other poor soul:   SHE: Where are you from?   Me: L.A. (please leave)   She:What're you doing out here?   Me:just moved back(oops)   she:Oh, what made you movr back here?   me:My acting career fell apart(see, i'm a loser, go away)   she:who do you live with out here? (do you have a girlfreind? Married?)   me:Nah, I moved in with my mom (LOSER LOSER LOSER)   she: do you work out here ?(can me and my kids sponge off you?)   me: nah, i'm going to school (loser?)   she:ooh what are you studying?   me:art (LOOOSSSER)   That did the trick. She attemted to saunter off, again revealing the network of scars. If I had a red hot poker, I would have gleefully blinded myself right there.Waargh.  
  "how do i get into heaven?" "you could try being nice to people..." "man... i said i wanted to get in... i'm not trying to run for jesus or anything."  
  We were walking in downtown San Francisco, when a group of people stopped us and actually asked: "Is there a Starbucks around here?"   
  The other day I went into burger king, and even though the food sucked I was happy. I got to feel better than the dregs manning the place.  They were really serious about their jobs. I laughed.        
  At a party at a stranger's house, I was "lost" and could not find my way back inside... I interrupted some folks having a conversation on the porch where the door was.  They pointed me to the door, but the only "entrance" I saw was the dog/cat door, which I proceeded to crawl through in my long black dress and high heels.  Classy.         
   Midnight In NYC Port Authority  (This is, eh ... down-in-the-trenches stuff) Young couple in line have no idea what to do with their fractious 3 week-old. The guy looks really unenthusiastic, repeatedly stuffing a dummy-tit (pacifier) in its mouth to no effect. He suddenly leaves. Black woman next to the girl looks concerned and gets nosy. I eavesdrop. Family is going to Nevada   3 days of travel on Greyhound buses. Me:  With that wee thing? Hey, if you need a break, I ll take him for a bit.  Girl:  Thanks! I really have to go pee!  Healthy 3 week-olds are not rocket science: Hold  em securely; lots of eye-contact; rhythmic motion; lullaby. Piece of cake. Since his mom has just dumped her newborn on a  complete stranger, in NYC Port Authority, at midnight , the lullaby I choose is:  I'm not talking about the kind of clothes she wears, Look at that stupid girl, I'm not talking about the way she combs her hair, Look at that stupid girl.  Baby smiles around his pacifier   he and I know what s what. He drops off a cliff in no time. I wrap him in swaddling clothes and lay him in his carrier.  Wow! You just made my day!  Me:  He beat you to it   he just made MY day.  I hand him over. Time goes by, the bus starts to board, and she looks around frantically. The black lady and I exchange glances. 3 cops arrive, calling the girl s name. She walks over with the baby. They surround and cuff her. Black lady moves so that there s a pillar between her and the cops   probably just instinct. She and I share a long look. I grab the girl s bags, break into the circle of cops, give them to her. I wish her good luck. She doesn t hear   she s a deer in headlights. Cop:  Sir   can we ask you some questions?  Me:  No point   I was helping her with her baby. I ve never seen her before in my life.  I turn to leave. Cop:  Just one question then, sir: Did you see a man with her?  I furrow my brow and think hard:  No   no   she was on her own.  Too many passengers, so they add another bus. It s pulling out when a cop car whoops up and blocks it. Cops help the girl out, uncuff her, hand her the baby, give her some money, and escort her onto the bus. 9 hours later, in the Cleveland depot, I m chatting with the black lady when I get attacked. Girl hugs me tight, kisses my cheek, and starts to cry. Me:  Is your guy going to be joining you?  She:  Not for a while, and then only if he can find us.  Me:  You ll be OK?  She:  We ll make it. Thanks.  And is gone.   
  Totally unexpected:  I flirt with a young (she 24, me 39), engaged-to-be-married mousy co-worker by e-mail.  Harmless stuff.  I arrive next morning, and she's sitting on my desk.   With hardly a word, we leave, go to the big house I'm taking care of while the owners sell it.  She's menstruating, we don't care. We fuck in EVERY room.  She has no limits, no restraint. Neither do I.  Blood stains everywhere.   Prospective buyers suddenly let themselves in to look at the house. We hide in a bathroom and fuck in the shower.  They try the door a couple of times while we tickle each other, giggling. They leave.   Best day of my life.  Leaving, I ask for her white cotton panties. She slides them down from under her business suit and hands them to me as a gift. They're soaking.  I imagine her, my beautiful anonymous little mouse commuter, riding home on the crowded train, smelling mightily of  our jungle fuck, with all the business-type guys in her train car wondering why they have erections :-)  
  I was reading a moment on here when I saw "better than a John Hughes movie"   I said to myself, "Hey we have a professor here named John Hughes. I've had several classes with him and never realized that there was a film person with the same name.   So I looked it up. I realized how much of an uncultured swine I am when I saw his filmograhpy.   
  One thing I fucking hate: Today I'm walking back to my room (approximately half mile or less) and somehow my dick came through the hole in my boxers. I have no fucking clue how this happened, it has not happened before to me. I was frozen. No amount of "hands-free" adjusting will get it back so I just stopped walking, put my hand down my pants, and righted myself.  
  So I'm walking with some friends in my hometown where 21 Jumpstreet was filmed.  "Hey look!  It's Johnny Depp!" someone says.  I turn to look.  And take a parking meter in the gut.  I'm completely winded.  Johnny Depp laughs at me.  Fuck you Johnny Depp.  
  "Guess my name," he said.  "Ricky?  Rhonda?  Roger?  William!  John!Sally!" she guessed.  He left her a dollar for playing along.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  i have a bizarre friend who, one day, said to me, "i'd really like have a feather purse."          
  Don't ever, ever, ever sneeze while taking a dump. Don't ever.  
  I have a cell phone that vibrates when it goes off and I keep it in my front pocket right next to my boys.  "Call anytime" I told her with a smile.  
  My grandaparents were out visiting friends in the country one snowy day. As they drove out the driveway on the way home, gramps hit a deep spot of snow and got stuck.  Figuring he only need a little push to get going, Gramma gets out and starts pushing.  Sure enough, it gives him enough momentum to get going again, and away he goes down the road, leaving Gramma standing there.  She walked back down the driveway to the friends house, waited fifteen minutes, then called him at home to come back and pick her up.  
   The middle finger on my right hand, I snapped it sideways at the second knuckle about two months ago, doing a handstand on my finger-tips.   I still haven't gone to the doctor.   It doesn't operate in the same trouble-free manner as it once did. Still swollen, too.        
  His hat and beard gave him an avuncular, even professorial, look. His alcoholic breath could have sterilized surgical instruments. Four blocks later, the passengers pointed out that he might want to start the meter. Which he did. Chatty the way drunks are, he hypnotized himself listening to the various spins he could put on the same thought. Did I mention he repeated himself?  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  A deep conversation with a friend of mine:  "Why" I asked, "are you still with your girlfriend if you don't want to be with her?"    "Not only will she do anything I want, she's good at it. REAL good at it," he replied.   "That's pretty shady.  But I havn't seen my boyfriend in two weeks."   "Then why are you still with him," he asked me.  "Because I love him."   "Yea, that's why you've cheated on him five times. And I'm not taking that that bullshit that you were drunk."    FUCK.  I don't really have another reason besides that I'm an idiot.         
  I get kind of tired of the tactless fools my husband works with, so I've quit being polite at gatherings. One jerk recently asked me how old I was. "Old enough to own a gun and be familiar with the legal system and still remember to take my medication" I told him.  After he figured out the big words, he left me alone.   
  'no, you can't turn a water mattress into a cool ass bong. nope.'      
  I received an interesting piece of direct mail over the weekend, a Porno of the Month club catalog application.  Where in the hell did they get my name from?  
  Why does every automated rail ticket machine in DC feel the need to spit your ticket onto the floor?  I've gotten used to catching Metro farecards in mid-air, and I've just discovered that the Amtrak machines do this, too.    The next time I ride maybe I'll take some markers with me and draw a little "Pthooey" face around the card slot. . .   
  I watched him coming out of what I knew to be the "fuck you I'm outta this dump" meeting with the boss.  His face was impossible to read.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  "No free ads on this site!" exclaimed Bob of BOB'S BAIT AND TACKLE, ROUTE 5, BILLINGS, MONTANA.  
  'You wont find happiness at the bottom of that whiskey glass'  ...perhaps, but if I look through it the melting amber smokiness makes everything around me look pretty enough to cheer me slightly  It may not be happiness, but what does that matter when sepia will do  
  I just took a shower and shaved EVERYTHING. I feel so much better. But when it starts to grow back and you're havin' sex, it's like rubbin' two pieces of velcro together! That doesn't feel too good :-(  
  Her name was Kris.  She was a statuesque blue-eyed nordic blonde with long legs and very pert breasts. And her breath stunk to the point where no juvenile fantasy could make me put up with it, drunk or not. Then she found Jesus, but I was outta there by then! If only she would have found the fucking toothbrush and some Crest.   
  The woman stood in front of the mirror, pumping weights. She stopped mid-set to adjust the strategically-wisped ponytail on top of her head, and check her lipstick. I noticed she was only lifting two-pound weights.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was alittle kid my uncle was the funniest man in the world.  Later, after I was in my late teens, I realized he wasn't all that funny...just an alcoholic.  
  Once, when I was maybe six, I struck my best friend Elizabeth Weber in the face to see what she would do. Results predictable.        
  We had been trowing snowballs with rocks in them at cars most of the morning. We pelted the shit out of this green car. Holy shit, the guy came after us with a vengence. We all ran through backyards, jumping fences. Running through the field behind our houses, all over the place. This guy would not give up......  After 2 hours of cat and mouse the guy must have had enough. We couldn;t figure what had pissed this guy off so bad.  In hindsight it was an emerald green Jaguar with a leather roof.....  $70,000 dollars worth of car dings just as well as a Ford POS.  
  There's something humiliating and at the same time empowering about helping a girl wash your 'Gentleman's Relish' out of her hair.   
  I work in a 24hr Mohawk station in my town. Graveyards are the worst because I work in the shittiest area in town. Hookers, Pimps, Pushers, Addicts and the like.  One night I had a hooker come into the store and tell me that she would suck my dick for a free coffee.  Worst off, I knew this woman and she has 3 kids.  I told her to go get a coffee and I would buy it for her.  Now when she comes in she calls me "Hun".  Fuck me, my life blows.  
  I like White Zombie music, but when you first hear the vocals, it sounds like   "yeahhh i am the ripper man a looking wookie mind its american style, I am them ex's son, a wan mole's life fucker i ain't done, yeah, more human than human,  more human than human"   Rutger Hauer kicked ass in that movie.  
  The Aussie Slanguage - Key terms in no particular order.  ___  "Taking the piss"  ___  def: not unlike taking the mickey out of someone.   
  Yes friends, when you have monitor mounted speakers, Rumble!, there really is a tiny Link Wray and co.  inside your monitor, yes that is where the sound is coming from, tiny sound,  tiny guitar, tiny man,  Kick ass tune!       
  I have successfuly blow dried my hair naked, while taking a shit on the toilet.   just take a few moments to really imagine it.   
  In florida, a phone sex operator is suing the company for workers compensation due to "carpal tunnel syndrome developed from excessive masturbation". At least she was man enough to admit it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after a vigorous raunt of 4 fingers up to the knuckle and hard ass pounding from behind, she went to the bathroom to clean up the messy aftermath.   laying there in bed, hearing the distant noise of my spent load squirting out of her ass on the toilet, it made me think of easy cheese, nacho flavored, on triscuits. mmm...  i dined happily in bed.  some say i have low horizons.  
  I found this shirt on the floor of my bedroom this morning.  I didn't remember wearing it and it smelled pretty clean.  But now I realize that my nose was kind of stuffed up this morning and that this shirt is definitely not clean, and I smell real real bad.  
  "...the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between, and they took great pleasure in doing just that. Then one day someone discovered that if you walked as fast as possible and looked at nothing but your shoes you would arrive at your destination much more quickly. Soon everyone was doing it. They all rushed down the avenues and hurried along the boulevards seeing nothing of the wonders and beauties of their city as they went.   No one paid any attention to how things looked, and as they moved faster and faster everything grew uglier and dirtier, and as everything grew uglier and dirtier they moved faster and faster, and at last a very strange thing began to happen. Because nobody cared, the city slowly began to disappear. Day by day the buildings grew fainter and fainter, and the streets faded away, until at last it was entirely invisible. There was nothing to see at all." - The Phantom Tollbooth.  Kind of sad how easily the uncaring and uncouth attitudes of today's society are so easily transcribed in a children's book.    
  If any women in New York would like to get stoned and watch the Carl Sagan "Cosmos" television series on DVD with me, feel free to write.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I came into the living room today.  My 22000 square foot house.  Damn, what smells bad?  My landlord, almost 70 (his father used to be the world's richest man), announces he just shit in his pants.    Would I please spread some newspaper on the floor so he can let the turd roll down his pants leg onto the floor?  Sure.  And I'm the one who thought against getting a dog because of the potential mess.  Damn.  
   My birthday shenanigans last year included gross amounts of alcohol, dancing, more alcohol and the tragic one night stand that added immeasurably to my hangover and shame file. We didn't fuck, he couldn't get it up, we did play around a lot, but didn't use any protection, didn't think it necessary... Days later, whilst taking a pee, I felt a painful lump on my clit. FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! I actually went to emergency at the hospital, I had to know right away whether it was herpes.  Warts seemed like a welcome option as I waited for a Dr. Herpes? Please God, no... After an examination, the Dr asked me if I'd ever had a pimple on my back? Well, yes Ever had a pimple on your leg? Yes What makes you think you can't get a pimple on your clit?   
  There are police cars driving around my neighbour hood, maybe it wasn't a good idea to put on my camouflage and wear a gas mask. And then hailing down cars and telling them to go home, and knocking on people's doors telling them to stay home. Some people have no sense of humour. Ah well  
  One good thing about Arab culture: They hate dogs.        
   At a 7-11, friday night, about 1 AM, 10/15/99. I'm talking to Jose' and proceed to pay for my Arizona. When I turn I see Cronin and his ilk get out of a car.  Me: Have your court date yet?  Cronin: Yeah, I got one year, but I haven't had the sentencing date yet.  Me: Have fun.  Exuent, happy that those words will bounce around in his head when his white trash pedophile pathetic amateur burglarizing ass is sitting in prison.        
  Sick and tired of the monstrish guttural screaming of my son's sickening CD Cannibal Corpse, when I found it accidentally in my tape collection, I slipped it inside a cardboard food carton, and deposited it lovingly, and peacefully into the trash...... AAAHHHHH.......    
  Fun car trick #1:  At a red light, stopped directly next to someone on your left....... While making eye contact with the person, roll down your window as if you want to talk.  When they roll theirs down say:  "Oh, did you fart too?"  
  To play a joke on my anal retentive roomate we put a banana in his underwear drawer.  In magic marker we wrote "YELLOW FELLOW." and drew a happy face on the Head of it.  He got very pissed and picked pubic hairs out of himself and flung them on my bed.    
  Someone mentioned the ever so great cigarette-after-sex.  Nothing, however, nothing beats the in-the-morning-before-brushing-your-teeth-cigarette.  Mmmmm...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i feel sorry for my sperm.  like a world war 1 battle they charge forward wave after wave swiming their little hearts out. giving it their all. but heading for the certain doom of the crusty old tissue. then finalyy they are buried in the bin.  
  When I was a kid there was a big tree we all used to climb in the park on our block. One time I was up the tree and nobody else was around. All of a sudden I needed to take a shit.   I didn't wanna climb down the tree and run home, so I shit in my hand and wiped it on the branch and cleaned my hand on some leaves.  About a week later my neighbour Trevor was climbing the tree and got it all over him. "Oh God", he yelled down to me, "somebody shit on the tree."  "That's disgusting" I said, but I was laughing so much I pissed my pants.  
  We were on a long bus tour of the south. This one kid went on about his brain surgery - showed us the hole in his head. He had to drain the water out after swimming. One day he pulls a Playboy out of his bag in front of several people and starts wanking it right there on a moving bus.  Suggests we all do the same.  Not sure if the two events were related or not. I was impressed by his size.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         at the very fucking least i provide fodder for other peoples bad jokes said he he wore it like a merit badge        
  Names have been changed to protect the lowbrow:  I drove up to a remote part of the North Country last summer for my friend Mike's bachelor party.  Several of our friends went.  Also present at this party was Mr. Smith, Mike's father.  Mr. Smith is descended of Quebecois and very proud of it.  Mr. Smith told us repeatedly how much they (the Quebecois) like their frog legs and their fish, but especially those frog legs.  "Mmm, mmm, mmmmm..." was uttered several times as Mr. Smith eyed up the river bank behind the camp we were at.  My friend Tom showed up a little bit late and didn't get to hear the first couple renditions.  This was soon remedied though, and the two of them quickly discovered that they were kindred spirits.  After perhaps an hour, the urge became too great and overwhelmed Mr. Smith.  He just had to have some of those frogs.  So he enlisted Tom as his assistant and off they gleefully went to do some "Froggin'".  Now, for you rookies, froggin' is an art form.  There's a whole technique to it.  You don't just go out and scoop them up.  First you gotta stun 'em.  Then you gotta knock 'em out.  So picture in your minds for me this idyllic scene: one of the guys is playing some Johnny Cash or Jim Croce on the "Git-box", the rest of us are engaged in a close approximation to singing along (between sips of our Genny Lites, of course), and every so often in the background Mr. Smith fires off his 22 pistol near a frog to stun it and then hollers to Tom, "Git 'em!" at which point Tom gives it a good thumping on the head with his crow bar, throws it in a plastic bag, and they move on to their next target.  "Mmm, mmm, mmmmm..." can be heard through the window every so often.  I don't know if I was more amused or disturbed but, either way, it's an experience I'll never forget.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Poor sperm cells... There they are, standing around in a circle, turning the collars of their trenchcoats up against the cold, lighting little cigarettes. "Sure is cold..." "Yep." "I wonder where Ms. Egg is? She sure is taking her sweet time..."  [uncomfortable silence, and dawning trepidation]  "Hey! You don't suppose..." "Nawwwww... No way!"  [shuffling of tails... a few of the weaker ones succumb to the cold, until there are only two cells left]  "Dude... I KNEW it! We've been JACKED!" "Oh.... It.. It's g-g-getting c-c-cold... I don't want to die like this!" "Jacked..." *sob*  The End  
  Had a tiny Asian woman for a math prof. my freshman year.  We spent a lot of time talking about percentages.  She had a thick accent.  "If you flip coin, no matter the times, always you had fifty percent chance to get head."  I muttered to the guy in front of me, "Well, if that thought doesn't pick your day up, I don't know what will."  
     My friend was thinking of joining his cousins frat. I hate frat boys. He tells me to behave, its new years eve. We meet his cousin in the houses basement. He shakes hands with my friends, when he gets to me I look at him and just ask if he has any whiskey. The music is techno and hip hop. I do not like either. When I finally start to get a buzz I take of my trench coat. Some 300 pound Frat brother aparently thinks I'm too much sinew and scar. Making those with smooth sculpted muscles uneasy. A wolf in a pack of poodles. I put it back on to shut him up, after all I promised no fights. Later on I "accidently" rip their bathroom sink out of the wall.        
   Hudson River Tales #12  The other crewmember doesn't show up, so John and I take "The Big Dragger" out by ourselves, with permission, but against regulations. We know what we're doing. He works the helm and I work the winches. Piece of cake. Then we snag on the 100' keel of an old sailing ship. We can't get off. He's great working the helm, and I'm purty good on the winches, so we finally see our problem break surface, then sink again. John: "Holy shit! See that thing! Must be 400 years old!" We should just cut loose and lose our net, but we look at each other, smiling.  Let's get it onboard!  Two hours later, we're never going to get it on board, but we can maybe tie it alongside and get it home, anyway. It would be a  major  prize, to add to our collection of ancient anchors. I'm much taller than John, so I reach down to try to get a line or two around it. John works the winches, but he doesn't know the limits of the steel cables quite as well as I do. I hear an ominous creaking sound. I turn around to warn John to back off a little... The 20' steel boom crashes down on the gunwale about six inches away from my head, smashing the oak into smithereens. John: "Oops, sorry!" We stand and look at the damage. There's no way we can explain this unless we also bring back the prize. We still have it snagged, and the sun isn't setting yet, so we go back to work...  
  So, one of my friends (thanks alot, Sailor!  Sheesh!) got me absolutely hooked on reading Robert Heinlein.  Really great stuff, scifi with a twist of fantasy, well written, several books intertwine, etc.  I've been reading practically nothing else for the past month or so.  So much so that I start to get worlds confused.  I almost e-mailed my buddy today about the spacesuit I just won in a contest.    I need a reality check.  
  "Sorted mate!" he said. Like the crisps, I thought..  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  No matter how much you shake and dance,   The last few drops go in your pants.  
  My nextdoor neighbor, the goddess of white trash, is upset because her uneducated 20 year old daughter/slut wants to move back home after being married only 3 months.  She met her husband in a tattoo parlor whilst her and mother were getting inked.  More to come........(no pun intended)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day I was joking around with a female coworker. She bought  this weird blue gum that comes in a bottle and looks like chiclets. We were trying to see how much gum we could fit in our mouths, while laughing hystericaly. When she reached her limit she began drooling blue spit down her face. For some reason it turned me on. She then spit out the wad into a paper cup followed by a long trail of saliva. When she left the room I went in the trash, picked up the paper cup and emptied it into my mouth  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         *  she stood  sweatpants lard fishbowl glasses eyes pressed together into a thorough sketch of soulless incompetence  sweatshirt stating  'dont worry about your mistakes  god allows u-turns'      too bad some people just cant be unborn  *  
     Grew up fighting, and such. Muscles are all sinew, arms covered in scars. Kicked out of school sophmore year, found out I have a 130-odd IQ. Came back from "alternative" school and graduated in summer school senior year. Started drinking again after graduation, continued shitty manual labor occupation. Then I went and found a girl who reminded me I had a heart. Started wearing glasses. Find my hair in ponytail even when I'm not doing finger push ups. She still broke my heart, never had a chance. Still will always love her, damn foreign girls.  Now I know why my ancestors liked to pillage Rome, it wasn't the gold.        
  Lowbrow hits home: Fried Twinkies   Below is an article that may shock and disturb you... All you religious readers of the lowbrow texts will make the connection to a single post residing on this site... Have we created something?   Fried Twinkie Fad Hits Arkansas    By EDWARD R. PEREZ  Associated Press Writer    LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP)   In the South, where some joke that the four basic food groups are barbecued, baked, broiled or fried, state fairs are filled with booths that sell everything from corn on a stick to club-like turkey legs.   For dessert, an odd new treat has emerged: fried Twinkies.   Phil Dickson of Hot Springs has sold about 1,000 of the batter-dipped, deep-fried goodies topped with powdered sugar since the Arkansas State Fair opened Friday.   ``It's amazing to me,'' Dickson said Monday. ``The response has just been tremendous.''   Each Twinkie, at 160 calories and five grams of fat a pop, is impaled on a stick and frozen until firm, then dipped in a batter similar to that used to fry fish.   Deep frying adds more calories and fat, and the powdered-sugar coating apparently complements the Twinkie's altered state.   ``The inside creamy part stays cool, while the outside is warm,'' said Rhonda Yates, a postal worker spending her vacation helping Dickson with the Twinkie booth.   Fairs in Arizona, California, Kansas and Washington also are expected to roll out fried Twinkies this year.   Suzanne Hackett, the general manager of an English restaurant in New York City called The ChipShop, said the fried Twinkie was born in her eatery out of boredom.   ``We had a very slow night in the restaurant so we decided to buy a bunch of junk food and deep fry it,'' Hackett said Monday. ``And the Twinkies just tasted so good.''   Interstate Brands Corp., the firm that owns Twinkie-maker Hostess, doesn't object to the new creation   it actually promotes the idea   though it doesn't suggest a steady diet of the culinary concoction.   ``It's one of the beauties of having a brand that is an American icon,'' said Mike Redd, a vice president of Interstate's cake marketing division. ``It's fun ... and it's taken on a life of its own.''   Still, Redd said, ``It's not something you'd want to eat every day.''   Frances Price, a clinical nutritionist with Arkansas Children's Hospital, said parents should be cautious about their children's diet, but that eating treats is just part of being kid.   ``There is room in the diet for some treats, you can't exclude it completely,'' Price said. ``And at least fair food is part of a family activity where families walk up and down the midway.''   Joel Counts, a tourist from the Los Angeles area who tried his first fried Twinkie on Monday, said it was excellent.   ``It tastes like a Twinkie but it has a little extra flavor because of the frying,'' Counts said. ``And the powdered sugar just tops it off.''  -------------------------- Now thats lowbrow.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lowbrow calls to me, "Emily, reload me......come on, you know you want to."  Me:"But, Lowbrow, I have to go, I have spent too much time on here already."  Lb:"Just one more time.....No one will know."  Me:"Ok, but this is the last time."  Click......Laugh.  Lb:"Do it again."  Me:"No, that was the last time."  Lb:"I promise it will be even better this time."  Me:"Ooooooohhhh, OK........You know how to get me, Lowbrow."   Now you know I'm isane cuz I'm having a conversation with a website, Right?  
  he said I can't believe they busted that old lady. what did they get her for?  the guard said shoplifing.  yeah, but was she stealing or was it like a couple pieces of candy he asked.  naw, said the guard, she had $90 worth of veal.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My boyfriend hasn't gone down on me in a couple of months.  I've inquired several times if there's some sort of problem on my end - too much hair, yucko odor, whatever.  He always assures me that I'm fine, and in fact I'm far more pleasant in my nether regions than his ex.  This doesn't surprise me...I've gotten the same report from others in the past; apparently I'm just not an odorous person in any regard.  Unfortunately, I can hardly say the same for my boyfriend, who is absolutely retarded when it comes to personal hygiene.  He has fetid, nose searing anal secretions - even when he's curled on his side in bed, the pungency wafts into my face.  To top it off, he gets terrible B.O.; he has chronically greasy hair; blackheads fester unsqueezed all over his face, and he has (hands down) the most disgusting example of Halitosis out of anyone I've dated.  He refuses to brush his teeth; the tartar builds around his gumlines like cheese, and yes, he gets those white blobs of spit at the corners of his mouth.  Sometimes in the morning, his breath smells like a 2 day old meatball sub, served with a plastic cup of bloated cigarrette butts submerged in flat Pepsi.  On second thought, maybe masturbation is a lot more hygenic than getting head from this guy.  I don't even kiss him, after all.    
  I worked at this call centre and on lunchbreaks a few colleagues and I would take a much needed spliff break at lunch to acquire the ability and mindlessness necessary to keep pitching our way through the day successfully.  One Friday, we inadvertantly took a different route to our usual toking spot, and ended up deciding to hop a chainlink fence at the back of a parking lot to get there faster.  I was the last man over (I'm 6`3", the fence was about 8 feet) and as I was about to jump over I heard someone yelling at us. Now, this was right off a major street, the main artery of the city basically, and I felt obliged to turn around.  It was just some dickhead getting in his car, taking it upon himself to right the wrongs of the world.  As I flipped him the bird and jumped, fate took a nasty turn. My left hand came hammering down onto the crossed wire at the top of the fence, my right foot was touching the ground and my left leg was caught by the pantcuff beside my hand.   Somehow I unhooked myself.  After stumbling back to the office, having bewildered supervisors find me a first aid kit, and heading out the door to the nearest hospital (never having smoked my spliff, mind you) I was greeted by several disgusted looks by other pedestrians.  Then, out of nowhere, this chick who started working there a week or so before comes running up behind me and says "Hey, what's up?". I'm like, "My hand is bleeding and I'm an idiot. Gotta bounce." She asks what happened, etc, I tell her, and I really have to go get the shit stitched up, but she hits me with "So, I hear you have a girlfriend." Say wha?  I say, "Yeah, yeah," and she asks if it's serious. I happened to be moving in with my gorl the next day, as a matter of fact, and I told this girl so. She gets all dejected and asks if I would have gone for a drink with her, if I was single or whatever, and if I had a brother.  I told her I was flattered and bailed. You know, that kind of forward approach can be a turn on under the right circumstances, but this girl was just tactless. Plus, the only other time we had ever spoken was on a coincidental Saturday morning subway ride to work when I had been all but puking in a brown paper bag from my hangover.   Three stitches, and the next day I stood around drinking beer while friends and family lent a hand moving our shit into the apartment where I proudly sit today to tell my tale.  
  "I've been sleeping with this chick for a few weeks, and things have gotten to the experimental stage. She's into anal beads so last night she whips out a bottle of lube and a strand of those big mardi gras beads. We're doing it doggy-style and she tells me to massage her "bad place" with the lube. Once it was nice and greasy, I started feeding the beads into her butt one at a time.  We started doing it doggy-style again, and as each of us got closer to climaxing she told me to pull the beads out. Only she didn't specify that I should pull them out S-L-O-W-L-Y. I give the string a yank and it was like rip-starting a lawnmower. I'm still trying to block out what happened next. Let's just say there was a loud noise, some poop, and a lot of anger involved. So much for our one and only experiment with butt love."  i have that issue of maxim too, you plagiarising fucknut. at least use your own moments.  (the fact that i noticed this counts as lowbrow, i'm sure)  
  Hey LaDe,  When clean, leave the vibrator in the nightstand underneath the pile of see-through nighties. (Easy reach.) When dirty, leave it on the nightstand so you remember to wash it in the morning.  
  You know you're old when your snack of choice is no longer candy.  I buy Wheat Thins.  Reduced Fat Wheat Thins.  
  Those sauteed soft-shell crabs I had for dinner last night were quite good. (For addict-browers, it's the same place my in-laws swear by, the one shaped like a boat.) But I'll be damned... My farts smell like Flushing Bay at low tide.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend recently told me I was the "Gilligan's Island" of getting laid.  Something always goes wrong.  But hey, on the bright side, I always wear a hat. ;)  
  About a year ago, I met this guy at a party and we went back to my place and fucked.  That was all I wanted, nothing more.  He proceeded to stop by every chance he got and leave me little "loving" notes on my door.  Finally, I couldn't stand putting up with this anymore and told him the truth: that I had used him and that we were never and would never be a thing.  Surprisingly enough, he left me alone and I never heard from him again.    I now live in the apartment across from him.  It must be a small town....  The other night I was sitting there with his two roommates when they left, leaving us alone.  I stretched out on the couch, taking up as much space as I could so he would not sit next to me.  He got up to use the bathroom, and when he got bak, where did he sit?  You guessed it, RIGHT next to me.. practically on TOP of me.  So I quickly moved to the opposite end of the couch and gave him a LOOK.  Not taking a hint, he grabbed my hand and tried to pull me to him.  I ripped my hand away, telling him to leave me alone.  Then, as I got up to leave, he jumped off the couch and stood in front of me at the door.  As I reached around him to open the door, he put his arm around me and tried to kiss me!  When I shoved him away, yelling at him to stop, he actually look surprised... hahaha.... That's when I left.   TAKE A FUCKING HINT, ASSHOLE.  
  My sister has this little female dog, Daisy, that humps everything in sight.  That dog literally can't go more than 2 hours without getting off but my sister does nothing to discourage what seems to me like compulsive behavior.    The worst part is, she thinks her dog's constant humping is "cute".  She lets the dog hump her leg, foot and, if my sister is laying down, she doesn't stop Daisy from climbing up and getting off right on her arm or hips.  The dog's a short-hair, and you can actually see the skin and muscles around this dog's vagina quiver as she cums.  My family, who all own dogs, find nothing whatsoever out of the ordinary about this and fail to even notice Daisy's rythmic pounding.  Most of the time they let Daisy hump them too.  Every time I see this obsessive beast humping, it's like a little reminder about disgusting things I'd rather never know about, like doggie-cum, doggie-dicks and doggie vaginas quivering.  I often end up pondering the weird sexual connotations that must surely underlie this situation.  No one in the family seems disturbed but me.    And they all wonder why I left the state only have cats.  
  Exiting the train platform from my daily commute, I light up a cigarette. I was puffing away, when I noticed my gf and her family walking towards me. She hates smokers. I nonchalantly throw the cig over my shoulder, thinking I was playing it cool...  I hear this horrible screaming and turn around and notice my still burning cig had landed in an old woman's hair. I tried to put it out by slapping it, she returned by pummeling me with her cane.  Needless to say my gf broke up with me  
  My girlfriend and I decide to go out for a romantic day of horseback riding on my grandmother's farm.  My aunt set the horses up for us, and sent us on our way.  So, of course, we ride into the woods, dismount, tie the horses up, go down to the stream and proceed to make sweet love in the tall grass.  This is where things go south.  We finish up, and I pull the condom off, and toss it into the woods.  It gets stuck up in a tree, about 20 feet up.  Crap.  After realizing I'd never be able to reach it, we headed back to the horses.  Mine had broken his reigns and run away.  No one told me you're not supposed to tie them up by the reigns.  Dammit.  I had to cross a stream to get to it.  It was one of those slow moving streams that had about a foot of sludge at the bottom.  Shit.  Eventually, my aunt caught him.  She was pretty pissed about the broken reigns.  I guess they're pretty expensive.  Fuck.  Plus, during the love play, I lost my favorite lighter.  *sigh*  
  my friend took me to the dmv, obviously for whatever reason i was unable to drive myself there we sit on one of those wooden benches that was created with intent to cause discomfort she turns to me making some comment about how whenever you go to the dmv there are sketchy wierd people that seem to just appear out of the woodwork and it makes you wonder at the time she had ratty blond dreads, shitty clothes, and a pair of sunglasses on that she seemed to forget to take off i told her to look in the mirror  
  sitting in the sand at golita beach, under an umbrella, listening to the doors quietly... i've got a cooler full of arizona iced tea, and an un opened pack of parlimant lights at my side.  ahhhhhh...  
  I tell all my friends to take advice from christians with a grain of salt. Who needs advice from blind missguided souls who are probably in it only for the redemption.  
  My friend has this plastic brace that wraps around his torso. He had a stress fracture, and it's supposed to keep his spine in the right shape.  In Europe with him we discovered that it hurt me more to punch him in the stomach than it hurt him.   We would start huge fake fights in the subway, with me punching him over and over in the stomach. People stared. Everyone was a pussy. No one intervened.  Man that was fun.   
  "I'll just have a coke, please"  "What? You're not drinking beer!"  "No, i've drank too much this weekend. I feel ill"  "I can't believe you don't want a beer"  "OK, i'll have a beer then"  Willpower in action.  
   My Dear, Sweet, Munchausen Mom...  ...recently visited my sister in Vancouver, BC. Sis went to take a shower one morning, and asked mom to not wash the dishes until she got out, because the water pressure was lousy. She turned the shower on, then remembered she needed something from her bedroom. She left the shower running and went to get it. Mom was standing at the kitchen sink, turning the cold water on and off, on and off...  
  Someone asked me, "Have you ever been in a threesome?"    I say "No, I've never been with another female."    Then I ponder for a second and say "Do two guys count?"    They say "Yes."   Oh, then I guess I have.  
  My roommate was asleep, and we really wanted to get laid. He grabbed the duct tape. We went into the study room and he taped my wrists together, and called me names while I sucked his dick. When I feigned reluctance, he took his belt off, bent me over the table, and started hitting me with it. "Doesn't hurt," I mocked. He yanked my pants down and started spanking me.  You could hear the belt crack up and down the hall. If he hadn't been shorter than me, it would have been in the top five sex experiences of all time. ~puck~   
  Yes, I did piss on your floor. Yes, I did vomit on your lawn and car. Yes, I did spill mustard over the floor. Yes, I did make several long international calls that night to an ex-girlfriend. Yes, I broke the chair. But for the love of god, I DID NOT drink enough to shit in your sink. I have standards, well, some.  
  My kitten likes to divebomb the bed and crawl all over it when my boyfriend and I make out.  There's a shelf above my window-she'll sit up there, and than jump from there onto us and/or the bed.  Than she crawls all over us, lays between us, rubs against our hands.  She never seems to want to cuddle when I'm alone though.  Figures.  Ungrateful bitch kitty.  
  Once i tried to spoon with a cow,he got really pissed.        
  i took my friend's credit card and went to harvard square to buy some new shoes.  i find some dope size 12 diesel's, grab a few shirts and go to check out.  i hand him the credit card.  he swipes it, then asks to see id cuz the card isnt signed.  i tell him i can sign the card if he wants. he asks if i have a different card with the same name on it.  i tell him its not really my card.  i tell him i can show him a card with a different name on it. he pauses.  he gives me the receipt to sign. i sign it.      of course the security goes off as we are walking out.   
  My RA walks by just as I'm laughing hysterically as I leave my friends' room.  "Could you be any louder?" He asks. "Could that stick be shoved any further up your ass?" I retort.  Then I realize he's gay and the full implications of what I've just said hit me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In highschool me and 2 other cats flushed m-80's down the toilets right across form the cafeteria. I guess the sewer line ran right under the kitchen because the entire area backed up with raw sewage and they closed the cafeteria for over a week.  Glad we didn't get caught for that one...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Dean in the port-a-potty discovers mid-shit that there is of course no toilet paper. Finishing his poopooing, he walks out proudly, pants at his ankles and  *scoots*  across the grass ala dog-with-worms.  
  Recently my boyfriend gave me his cold, so we'd take shots of NyQuil, brush our teeth, and slip into the reverie that only this wonder drug can bring.  After swallowing that vile (yet remarkable) liquid, we'd spit and gag and fight for the water faucet.  One time I reached for some mouthwash, and he said, "You know, it's pretty bad when you have to use Listerine in order to make your mouth taste BETTER."  He was right.         
  After sleeping with my best friend's girlfriend, I woke up the next day to find that I had urinated all over the bed and myself as well, having been so drunk the night before.  So I got up, changed my pants, poured a glass of warm water in her crotch while she was still sleeping and blamed it on her when she woke up.        
  i had  never met a person who woke up on the wrong side of bed every day of her life.        
  Went for my yearly today.   Doctor said I had a little discharge and was going to check for a yeast infection. But that's not how she said "check for yeast infection." She said "check for some yeastie beasties."  WHAT THE FUCK??   Yeastie Beasties???  That's just weird.  
  I went to a Mongolian BBQ the other day.   I dropped some frozen chicken on the ground as I was making my way through the salad bar. I kicked it under the bar and thought nothing of it.   One of the Mongol workers picked it up and put it back in the frozen chicken bowl. I almost vomited. I yelled at her, calling the establishment an, "unsanitary abyss of gastronomical pleasure."  They looked at me like I was on crack. I ate my food anyway.     
  When I got my first car, and the freedoms that came with it, I used to drive out to this little bar out in the sticks. I didn't drink becuase they wouldn't serve me, but I would go there and play pool. I loved the atmoshpere there.   Everytime you walked in you were greeted by a wall of smoke and a bad country song playing on the jukebox.   The guy who ran the place was a big fat guy.  I assume he deep fried everything he ate. His meat intake was easily 3 times the reccomended daily allowance.   That was another reason I loved to go there, the grill was excellent. If theirs one thing you gotta love about fat guys, its that they know all about good food.   Every bite of your meal was chalk full of cholestoral and fat, and since I never gained a pound of weight back then, I never cared.   Every once in a while I could convince one of my friends to go out there with me, but usually I would make the journey alone. Everybody else hated that place. They always complained that it smelled like a place where ciggerettes went to die and the pool tables looked like they been smashed with a hammer, but I loved the place. It had charector.   One day I managed to drag my friend Keith out to play a few games of pool. Keith wasn't much of pool player, but neither was I, so we would frequently bet on our games. This day we decided to bet on who was going to pay for lunch, and I bragged the whole way down about how good a free meal tasted.   We walked into the bar around noon and I noticed something that seemed out of place. A brand new pool table sat in the corner, its felt looking like a freshly mowed lawn. I walked over to the table and gave it a good going over. It was a beauty. Everything else in the bar was scratched, stained, and broken, but the table was in immaculate condition.   Keith racked the balls and I peered at the perfectly shaped diamond of glistening pool balls. I gently rested my ciggerette on the side of the pool table as I picked out my cue. Just before I broke I said   "nine ball on the break."    Balls flew everywhere in the chaos that followed, but the whole time my eyes were fixed on the nine ball as it rolled and gently dropped into the pocket.   Cheers went up from the bar as Keith glared in disbelief at my one in a million shot. I couldn't have been happier. I had never hit a shot like that, nor have I ever done it again.   I then saw that the owner was coming over, perhaps to congradulate me and give me a beer on the house. He walked over, looked me dead in the eye, and then pointed to the pool table.   I turned and suddenly didn't feel so smug. During my celebration, my ciggerette had rolled onto the felt and put a nice two inch burn into the brand new felt. I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach and sweat began to bead on my forhead.   "I hope you can afford to get that table refelted"   the owner said in a thunderous voice, rage gleaming in his eyes. I felt the walls closing in around me, and the people at the bar suddenly didn't seem so friendly. I turned to Keith and looked at him. I could see fear in his eyes. Neither of us had hardly any money on us, and our bank accounts were empty.   "Ummm, ohh, uhh, hey Keith, RUN!" I turned and made my way to the door, everything turning into a blur. My legs moved like they were stuck to the floor, adrenaline racing though my veins. I could hear the angry shouts behind me, and then objects hurling past my head. A beer bottle hit a wall just in front of me, shattering into a million tiny pieces. I looked back to see Keith still on my heels, so I turned and blasted through the door and into the piercing sunlight.  We jumped into my car and peeled out of the parking lot, pulling on to the highway and leaving that place behind us. I would never get to go back their again, and that made me angry. I loved that place, and I'd never see it again.   And I never got that free lunch either.  
  Do I get the wart froze off my primary hand and loose my sexual partner for a month, or keep enjoying the bump  
  A telemarketer calls me:  Hello?  Hi, can I speak to the adult male of the household?  Speaking.  I'm from SuperFuckingNosey Research corporation. Can we ask you a few questions?  Sure.  Great. Are you currently registered to vote?  Yes.  And what is the highest level of school you've completed?  3rd.  3rd Grade?  Yes.  Ok, thanks.  That's all the questions we have for you today.     Damn, I was hoping they'd play into it.  I guess they figured out I was lying and didn't want a skewed data point in there, messing up their results.  Must remember to wait until 6 or 7 questions into it next time to start lying, and more subtly so.  If they're gonna waste my time, I'm gonna waste theirs.  At least she could've waited to hang up so I could launch into a tirade about her discriminating against my non-traditional education.  Although, now that I think about, do I really want the only opinions that get recorded to be those of the people who have so much time on their hands that they can answer those surveys?  Maybe I should be truthful next time..... nah, that's crazy, where's the fun in that?    
  she took me by the arm and told me she had to show me something we left her apartment went to another building rode the elevator up four floors and down a hallway to a door of an apartment she knocked the door opened i was staring at my twin not just a couldbeyourbrother kinda guy but very very eerily similar see said she he does look just like you i felt really sorry for him         
  After moving away from my prior "life" and living in a new state for a while I hooked up with one of my roomates friends from highschool that he grew up with, and the first time we had sex was amazing. I mean we really went at it...it had been about 6 months sicne i was with a guy i was too depressed before to have any relations with men.  so the next day i was of course walking funny from too much sex and i walk out to the kitchen and my roomate was up and playing video games as i walked through the living room...he looks at me and says   "...Got quite a BANGOVER there?"   i just smiled and got some juice.  
  So my dad is not a religious man, but we have a bible on a shelf in our house, no particular reson really, its just there.  So one day when he is "clearing up" he trips over it and curses: "Bugger, bugger, bugger fuck! Fuck you God!"  Then about 5 seconds later he trips over it again.  Now im not really a religious man either, and I'm not saying it was an act of God or anything, but coincidence?  I don't think so.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My lowbrow moment happened last night...  In the middle of getting it on with this lovely gorgeous woman i start remembering some of the crap i've read in here and i couldn't go on because i was laughing so hard!  Damn you people!  
  The barrel touched against one of my fillings and made a funky taste like I'd always heard you get from tinfoil in your mouth, and it started me laughing. That was a close one.  
  Under the heading of Things We Should NEVER Have To See:  The woman that the neighborhood refers to as "Sasquatch" (and rightly so), standing in her front yard wearing micro-shorts and a tube top, holding up her tiny rat-dog in one hand and wiping its ass with the other. Where the hell is my camera when I need it?  
  I hit up the local hardware store for a paintbrush. A really cute young woman is outside, with a puppy in her arms. Everybody is walking up, fondling the puppy, and ogling her. I know they all want to get into her pants. I don't. She's wearing tight leather pants. They look great, but they don't exactly turn me on. I used to wear leather pants -- they make real sense in a skin-saving way when you ride a motorcycle. But I know from experience that when you take them off, every fart you've farted since you put them on is still hermetically-sealed in there.  
  Sometimes I make little tiny hamburgers with those canned instant biscuit roll biscuits that pop open when you unpeel 'em. Damn, them little hamburgers are gooood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's a Saturday night, and after seeing a movie with my friend from high school, we decide to restart the tradition of walking around Dr. John's (An 'Adult Novelty Store') for a while.  So, we're in there, laughing at some things, freaking out over the prices of others, and this really good looking guy walks in. I mean, -really- good looking, non-skanky. How often do you see that in a porn shop?  Me: Dude...would it be weird if I picked up a guy at Dr. John's? Her: Uhhh...I think he has a girlfriend. Me: Maybe he's just buying it for fun! Her: Nipple drops?! Me: Dammit! Quit ruining my fantasies!  
  I once dated a guy who didn't believe in foreplay.  A couple of nipple tweaks and then the old in-out-in-out for half an hour.  Not only was it boring, but after a while it starts to chafe. When I suggested we try some petting first, y'know, get me ready, he replied, "but I've got a big dick." I can't decide if he's lowbrow for thinking size was everything, or if I'm lowbrow for putting up with it for the sake of said big dick.  
  Being a bachelor, as all bachelors are familiar with the various articles of clothing that are used as nut-rags, I ran out of clean shirts and used one of them as an undershirt figuring that it was dry and no one was going to see it.    Sure enough, after work I went to grab a cup of coffee in place where the heat was turned up too high and took off my outer shirt.    Luckily, one of my friends noticed it and let me know.    That was two years ago and I still haven't heard the end of it.  
  Impressing my boss by looking up at her attentively only to realize moments that the pencil I held in my hand was partially inserted in my nostril.        
  "I really notice that you're an incredibly careful driver. You never exceed the posted speed limit, you stop on yellow, you give way to everybody..." Me: "If you were like me, you'd be a very careful driver, too." He: "I thought I  was  like you. After all, that's why we're buddies!" Me: "No -- I've seen your driver's license, so I know you have one. "You probably have car insurance, too. Right?"  
  It's very interesting when your boyfriend is in the same room with you, then makes a typo.  Instead of writing "afk a sec" he writes "afk a sex" and it makes you wonder:  with whom?        
   A pretty girl invited me to a party   on Capitol Hill.  When I got there, she sat down and started kissing a guy on the couch.  Then she started in on his pork sword until he was turgid as a stump.  Then she turned and started kissing the girl next to her.  (I'm thinking: Now THIS is a party.)  Then, she and the other girl get up and start to leave... I ask her "What about me?  She stops, points at the guy with the bobbing woodie and says.."We brought you for HIM!"       
  quote yeah yeah ive been all through that fuck chain and all i got was this golfball sized lip sore and a bunch of bitchy voice mails endquote         
  I remember swimming in Trunk Bay in US Virgin Islands. I made the mistake of pulling out a large, plump bag full of frozen peas while in the water...this resulted in immediate attack by a pack of ravenous yellow tail jacks.   The attack occurred in a mere 5 feet of water and I damn near drowned from fear and absolute confusion. The life guard warned me about the feeding frenzies of those goddamn fish...But I paid no heed.   Ended up having chunks of flesh missing from my body, an empty frozen pea bag (still clenched tightly in my fist) and a laughing stock of witnesses on the beach to deal with after that. Imagine the visual of a pale white gringo trudging up the beach after the incident, wide eyed, scuba mask completely askew and bleeding.  ...what a goon.  I love eating Yellow Tail at Sushi grazes.  
  my ultimate goal in life is to lose enough weight so that my legs don't rub together when i walk. i'm just barely short of that mark right now. i'm just barely fat enough that they graze with every step.  you'd figure after 17 years, they'd be calloused. but no. i spent the whole day walking, and my inner thighs are all red and sore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just saw a moment about a guy who fed bacon to a pig. my north dakota born roomate saw it, and said: "oh, i had a friend who had a 350 lb pig that lived in his house... it ate pork all the time. fucker charged me one time when i was near it's food dish... ever been charged by a 350 lb pig? now that's full-bore, bitch... no pun intended." i wanna visit no-dak.  
  so months have gone by and the narcicistic sociopath who was my boss was shicanned for being himself a total asshole the exec direct seems unwilling to let the sleezeball go always brining up the horrific things he did and ninety nine perecent are true and horrific claiming that the office manager is complaining about him because she wants him and has hit on him before to discredit a good with a capital g person standing way to close to hardworking people while his miniature self berates an honest and shy woman for something that he himself did soley to cover up his incompetence claiming he was sexually abused by priests to guilt the  bishop into granting him an anullment from his first of three wives so he and wife three can get hitched in a church whew hope there is a god any god cos that fuckers gonna pay        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he growled into her neck in gutteral whispers, "i want to tie you up."  she paused, almost hesitated, locked eyes and replied, "so why don't you?"  he wasn't quite so sure of himself after that.  
  Ever seen the show "Girls Behaving Badly"? It's like the female equivalent of "The Man Show". My best friend and I decide to try out a stunt: run up into a group of guys in a public area, pinch their asses and run away. We've done it many times. Great fun. Yesterday however, while running away (we had planned on going straight into a dept. store (we were in a mall)), she turns, cuts in front of me, and we both trip. And WIPE OUT. Legs, arms and shoes are all over. In the middle of a crowded mall.   Icing on the cake: the guys we pinched had to come over and help us up and get some ice for my hip and her face.  
  The other day i learned exactly where and when i was conceived.   Thanks, Mom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          My birthday shenanigans last year included gross amounts of alcohol, dancing, more alcohol and the tragic one night stand that added immeasurably to my hangover and shame file. We didn't fuck, he couldn't get it up, we did play around a lot, but didn't use any protection, didn't think it necessary... Days later, whilst taking a pee, I felt a painful lump on my clit. FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! I actually went to emergency at the hospital, I had to know right away whether it was herpes.  Warts seemed like a welcome option as I waited for a Dr. Herpes? Please God, no... After an examination, the Dr asked me if I'd ever had a pimple on my back? Well, yes Ever had a pimple on your leg? Yes What makes you think you can't get a pimple on your clit?   
  so I was trying on one of those silver rings the latino family sells on the corner of market and beale and when I tried to pull it off my finger to put it back it slipped from my hand to fly through the air and bounce a couple times on the concrete before slipping neatly through the sewer grate so I handed the nice woman the $12 I owed her and walked away trying not to think about it.  
  Never trust the new kid at work (that would be me, sir) to make the coffee in the special orange pot really be decaf. Especially if you tell me it's part of my duties and smirk when you do it.  Vibrate, sir, vibrate.  
  I like to get stoned and pretend I came up with profound thoughts and ideas such as "just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you." Or why do they serve finger foods in a bowling ally after all those holes get full of other peoples funky grease fingers and no one cleanes the hole's before they put their ball back. and least but last I thought this one up sober, we can feed the homless to the hungry! Problem solved  
  A lowbrow I just read: Your town is lowbrow if you have ever had to say, "Let's not go to that Denny's, let's go to the good one." Funny because here in L.A., Hollywood in particular, there are 3 Denny's.  Well, only 2 now. The one furthest west was called the 'Rock n'Roll Denny's because it was over by all the Guitar and music shops where all the wanna-be rockers live.  Then there is the one at Sunset and Gower- we call it the 'Skoal' Denny's because of it's western motif.   The one a block from me I like to call the domestic violence Denny's.  I once drove by and there were 3 homeless people out on the sidewalk in front of the Denny's, 2 men and a woman.  The men were arguing heatedly and the woman tryng to subdue one of the men.  One of the guys spots a bottle and picks it up, breaks it on the ground and starts waving it threateningly in front of the other guy.   Crazy.  "Damn!", I think as the light changes and I have to leave this cliffhanger of a scene.   I return from my errand about 15 minutes later, and I'll be damned, but there are those two homeless guys hugging like they had been on the Dr. Phil show.  The woman was smiling and all seemed well with their world. As heart-warming as it was, I can't say I wasn't a little disappointed there wasn't a body on the ground in a pool of blood with the guy waving the bottle around in some kind of frenzy.  I'll take the Denny's that has dinner AND a show any day.  
  Never underestimate the merits or beauty of the humble handjob.        
  I work at a university.  Some of us were making fun of a co-worker that is out today.  This person is sort of, blunt.  She isn't always the nicest person when dealing with people.   A student in the office looks up from filling out a form, smiles and says, "I've talked to her before." He smiles, "She's arbitrarily confrontational." That's a nice way of saying she's a bitch.  
  lowbrow is basically the same thing as a confessional. you walk in here, you don't know who you're talking to except for the sunglassed eyes or rubber ducks on top of the page.  you type your moment  and then serve as the preist for a hundred other moments  not judging, not hating, barely even caring  just reading and tolerating and absorbing those gross acts, absolving the perpetrators of their guilt.  who needs a goddamn church, we have an internet....  
  My piano teacher told me I was excellent with fingering.  My girlfriend told me otherwise.  
  My friend called me today. She said "You will never guess who was standing in front of me in the line at Baja Tortilla tonight." "Who" "THAT GUY!" "Who Scott Seakins" "YES!!"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  My greatest talent is that I can make any man I meet fall in love with me. Sometimes, if I meet a hot guy or something, I do it on purpose. Usually, though, it just happens by accident. You'd think this would make me the happiest gal on earth, but you'd be wrong--I still don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. All I know is that I'm getting pretty sick of drunk guys hitting on me.  I tried to explain all this to my boyfriend, and he didn't believe me. He said I couldn't possibly have that much control over men and that I gave myself too much credit. He said that I couldn't possibly intentionally make someone interested in me.  "I did it to *you*, didn't I?" I pointed out.  That sure gave him something to think about.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         God is love. love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Stevie Wonder plays the piano.  Therefore, God plays the piano.  
  This isn't my lowbrow moment, oh wait maybe it is...  I support IT for a small firm and, with the FULL support (I might add) of fellow colleagues we bugged the CEO s machine and directed a web cam at his desk for good, clean, wholesome fun. And to find out why our bandwidth usage was way above what it was suppose to be.  The first morning after we set all this shit up, we came into the office as excited as kids on Christmas to find 15 mins after everyone had left the office, the CEO was standing naked from the waist down and masturbating in front of his machine on a web cam which he had running on his machine. Checking the machine snoop we find several IRC windows open, and a few other web cam s open, most showing other men. A cursory scan of the time-lapse video showed he was naked most of the rest of the evening.  His girlfriend is going to be pissed if she finds out, unless that 11:55 screen shot with the IRC window talking about  swinging  includes her   Now I don t want to touch his mouse .    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm sittin' here eating the popcorn from the movie we never finished.  Reveling in the aftermath of the kiss which will never happen again.  Drinking her cold hot chocolate.  Then I notice that she left her e-mail open, and I am strangely comforted that I could ruin her entire social life before she even got home...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "what religion *are* you, anyway?" she asked.  "unitarian universalist," i replied.  "oh. is that a cult thing?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The day after thanksgiving, shoppers decided to riot outside of the Target store, where I work, before the store even opened. The police and the fire department showed up. I suspect the police showed up to restore order and break up the riot, but they never got the chance. They stayed in their cars with their lights on as the fire fighters hosed down the riotous mob with their high pressure hoses. I stood inside the door and smirked.    Reply,  I work at Target, and that is by far the funniest thing I have ever heard. I could only dream of seeing that.   
  In many cultures throughout the world, the word for rain is the same as the word for sperm. Think about that next time you forget your umbrella at home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The first time I smoked pot, I got horny and tried to jerk off.   I forgot what I was doing.  30 minutes later I look down and wonder why my pants are around my ankles and my cock is in my hand.   
  Ninja Fetish: i had a dream last night that we were powerpuff girls and we fell through the ground to planet x  and everything was opposite and something that was trying to kill me i had to love becuase it was mine in the other world and blossom was late to explain that to me so i was tryign to kill everything that was close to me and by the time she got there everything was dead on the other side and i was alone Ninja Fetish: everyone died too Ninja Fetish: but thats not the point Ninja Fetish: I was a motherfucking powerpuff girl Ninja Fetish: hell yea  
  I had finally met the woman that I KNEW I could spend the rest of my life with.  The only problem was that she had found the man she KNEW she wanted to spend the rest of her life with 2 weeks before she met me.  Regardless, we became good friends quickly.  She and her boyfriend had decided to take things slowly, and I saw this as my opportunity to at least see if I still had a chance, should things not work out between them.    So three months go by, and I know absolutely everything about this girl now.  We talk all the time.  It's just a joy to be in her presence.  She understands me on a level that no one ever has before.  One day, we're sitting together, having lunch, and gossiping.    Her: "I have something to tell you about   and I..."  Me: "Oh really?  What's that?"  My hopes are raising...  Her:  "Well... I finally gave   a blowjob.  Me:  Totally crestfallen, "Wow, how'd it go?"  Her: "Pretty well, I think.  He's had 4 long-term girlfriends, and I'm the first one to give him a BJ.  In fact, I gave him his first blowjob ever."  She continued to discuss how the boyfriend felt about his first hummer, but all I could do was sit and think about how chances with her.  I kept on thinking to myself, "Shit.  They might as well buy a house together and have 2 kids now, that guy is NEVER going to want to leave..."   
  Hoo boy, I love to lick a nice clean asshole.  A girl's only, though.  I'm no freak.  The young girls, under 30, they usually haven't yet had a guy who will really get in there, really shove that tongue into their pooper...so it often comes as a surprise at first.  This one girl...she's on her knees in the doggy position.  I'm under her, lapping away crazily at her clit.  I grab her ass and pull it downwards so her a-hole is positioned right above my tongue.  I give it a little flick.  I feel her stiffen.  Another flick.  A little shudder.  So I dive in, curl up my tongue and pop it in that tight hole as far as I can.    She sits up, looks down between her legs at my eyes and says "YOU'RE THE KING"  
  against her better judgment, she types 'finger' into her terminal, and stares at the results in a manner eerily similar to the way that the psycho-girls in those movies stared at their lust objects when they were alone in the corner at parties. she knows this, she can see herself doing it, she hates herself for it, and she wishes she had a guitar so she could at least sing like lili taylor did in 'say anything.'   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  once while in a rut of unwanted celibacy a supposed friend gave me this advice when youre in a crowded bar  dont act drunk but fake a fall near some beautiful women and then when they help you come to and act all fucked up and shit and then feed them some line of shit about dizzy spells and stuff chicks are suckahs for helpless men what the fuck is that oh i see you have been so lame that that little jig sounds like a good idea yikes        
  Last night I watched Glitter... you know, that Mariah Carey movie. Then right after that I watched A Walk to Remember, the one with Mandy Moore. Even worse, I cried at the sad parts.  
  Him- "Oh yea, well I write articles for the New York Times, what do you think of that?"  Me- "Hey, that's funny, I wipe my ass with the New York Times."  end of discussion.  
  I was in the parking lot the other day.  I looked over at the car next to me and noticed that a lady was putting a club on her car.  She then got out of the car and beeped the alarm.  She was driving a station wagon.  Parked right next to her was a lexus.  Like a car theft would really pick the station wagon over the lexus  
  As soon as I found the skull in my backyard, I immediatly called the cops. But then I got curious. I picked up the skull and wondered who this guy was and why he had deer antlers.  
  My family spills out of the car. Some upscale bouutique is broadcasting music on the sidewalk. I'm transfixed. I walk in. Nothing in there costs less than $500. The family follows, looking around and laughing at the prices. I walk up to the supermodel behind the counter: "What is that you're playing? Can I buy it?" After a bit of persuasion, she agrees to sell it to me. She takes it out, and I demand to see it. Me: "There's a wee scratch, there. Two dollars off." Thus began my romance with African music, especially Thomas Mapfumo.  
  On my ride to work this morning I noticed that my tank was almost empty. My wife had the checkbook and the Visa card so I would have to make due with the five dollars i had in my wallet.  I pull into the nearest gas station and begin to gas up my car.  As I stare at the numbers of the gas pump quickly ticking up to my five dollar limit a red porche pulls into the lane across from me. The door opens and out steps the goddess of sexuality.  She had long blonde hair, pale skin and pouty lips. She was wearing a low cut blue satiny top and a short tight black miniskirt. I was transfixed.   This Beauty begins fueling her car and taps the side of her head as if she remembered something. She heads back over to the open drivers side door and  proceeds to bend over searching for something in the back seat. An full bore erection is forming as I stare at  the curvature of her ass. It was a perfect heart shape. As she leaned further into her car her skirt rides up a little higher and i'm graced with the sight of lacy black panties.  I craned my neck to get a better angle up her skirt. Thats when the gas pump in my hand made a loud thud.  I have the realization I wasnt paying  attention and spin around to face the pump. I see $23.56.  Shit!  
  Houston - the land of good complexions and perpetual bad hair days.  
  It's the beginning of March, cold as fuck out, and I'm trudging up the street through the ice and sludge to find a birthday present for my then-girlfriend. I passed by my local sex shop on the way to Hallmark. Standing there, at the intersection, waiting for the crosswalk to turn, I pondered about going in, for just a minute.  I ended up buying her a teddy bear. A man can dream though, can't he?  
  One thing I learned about clothes:  The more stains on them, the more comfortable they are.  
  Excuse me, but exactly where are all these workplaces full of sexual harrassment and Fellini-esque slackin' off? Every place I've ever worked has been straightlaced, boring, and rigidly monogamous. I'd looooooooove a desperate, horny boss who'll give me a raise if I flash him or sit on his lap, and lots of stoned, amusing coworkers where the jokes never end.       
  ok so i ll explain it again she left you because she couldnt bear to break your frekking heart when it came time for you to grow up and realize that people are human and not the wonderwomen supermodel braniacs that you think you deserve  criste one dumping and the guys ready to  go belly up in his little fishbowl       
  Wouldn't it suck if you were going to be publicly executed so you spent the entire night before coming up with a really amazing and profound speech, then, the next day after delivering your speech, on the way to the gallows or whatever, you stubbed your toe and said "OW! PISS ROCKETS!" So now those were your last words instead of the really great speech from earlier?  
  as she leaned in through the car window i wound it up and breathed on the glass.  i then drew a big fat cock on the glass, hairy balls and all.  "Kiss my dick."  She was not amused and refused to speak for me for a week.  I have no remorse whatsoever.  
  My mother has sex with the handyman after he performs random jobs around the house.  She doesn't see how that makes her a prostitute.  
   There I was, opening the door to the garage. The sound of rats knawing on rubber bands filled the cement four walled world. I slowly reached for the light switch and flick, on it went. There they were, five midgets nibbling on my brand new GoodYear tires! I calmly invited them in for tea and crumpets, made them do a little dance at gunpoint and then blew one of there little big heads off. The rest I forced to disrobe and run down the street for everyone to see. No one messes with my tires!  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  OK, so maybe "Tiny Testes Chowder" isn't the best name for garbanzo soup.  That was still no reason to kick me out of Pancho's.   
     going to sleep in my car at lunch to kill time for an hour is rarely eventful.  today fallling alseep on the influence of painkillers and having the most vivid, terrifying dreams of people trying to kill me while i defend myself, somehow was more appealing than geting out my car to go back to work.  i fell back alseep 3 times before finnaly walking back inside.  
  I once begged a phone sex operator to talk to me, to just say something, because all she was doing was moaning and I could get that from a porno.  That's what I get for going with the cheapest one in the paper.  
  I was bike riding with my son (who is now 21) who had come for the weekend to visit.  he gets this brilliant idea that we should try to see who can ride the longest with no hands.  well we were going pretty good until i thought i heard a car so i asked him if one was coming.  he starts to turn his bike into mine......i lose control and slam right into this mailbox (which was hanging way too far into the street by the way)  the guy in the car stopped to see if i was all right as did my son. i was fine.......and laughing hysterically. definitely a kodak moment  :-)  
  every morning when i drive to work, i see the street blocked off.  large, double-length dump trucks are backed up to an old building with a huge hole in the wall.  the trucks are dumping something into the basement.  there is no writing on any of the trucks.  no signs.  no names, no "Big Dave" or "Rusty".  Only dusty, dark colors.  men in plain hardhats and generic coveralls eye me as i make the turn in front of the orange cones. they all have the same eyes.  one day some of them were wearing rubber suits with masks.  nobody gets within 50 feet of the trucks...the backs of the trucks are covered with heavy tarps.  nobody seems to know what they're dumping, and even fewer seem to care   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was at the supermarket, a couple of days after my 21st birthday, wondering how I would know when I had become "old." I picked up a box of bran flakes cereal to compare the fiber content to Total, and breathed a sigh of relief.  
  was at a party years ago and someone puller out one of those "Books o' Deep Questions"  one was asking if you really loved someone, but they were in a wheelchair for some reason, would you consider marrying them? I'm thinking Yeah, if you love someone you just work shit out.  But i SAY "Hell yeah, because if i'm ever losing an argument, i can just roll him into a closet till he concedes."  
  My friends and I were having a let's-be-healthier-people talk, discussing the many ways to get thinner. Then Tara pipes up "I used to be skinny when I did coke."  We all thought that would be pretty good idea, and dismissed the thought of working out entirely.  Then it occured to me that we would favor shoveling coke up our noses instead of doing some crunches.  I think that's pretty lowbrow.  
   Boredom  I'm fifteen, and have taken to climbing out of my window late at night, shimmying down the drainpipe, and walking around the town (Prestwick, Scotland). 2am, I flag down a police car. I tell the cop that I'd been walking along, and I surprised some guy who was stealing something out of a car. The guy ran away, and I got a half-good look at him. He asks why I'm out so late. I answer that I couldn't sleep. He invites me into his car, and we go looking for the guy. But first we stop at the car that was being burgled, the cop calls in the number plate, gets the address of the owner, and we knock him up, at 2:30am, to find out if anything is missing.  Guy is groggy, but searches his car and announces a flashlight and a jar of car wax is missing. Weird. We send him back to bed and continue looking for the burglar, with no results. Cop eventually drops me off at home and I shimmy back up the drainpipe and into bed, but not before I put my new flashlight and jar of car wax away safely.  
  Nicotine is a laxative.  Smoking a cigarette will help loosen up your bowls. Chewing the nicotine gum makes your asshole explode. I found this out the hard way.  
  Working at McDonalds   Like my glassy-eyed german shepherd humping and fucking away at the million year old recliner in the den. The hands that feebly reach for the buns and the catsup and the meat and the blisters on the hands from the heat of the grill and the toes that tap in time to the radio and the mouths that go limp sometimes when the brains stops telling them what to do. The years of working that make the eyes stop seeing, start reacting and calculating and making sure the meats not too pink cause the health inspector is stopping by today, tomorrow, a month from now, and I ll sure as shit lose my job if that bastard catches me with a uncooked burger. Won t be able to make a next payment on the Ford. Bonnie s expectin anytime now, caint afford to lose this job. Just caint.  Bill in his office with the AC up full blast because it s July but it s not bad yet though. August is bad when its a full hundred outside and inside not much better and sweat wrenches out through the pores, gets in your eyes and mine and itches the small of your back and mine and we look out together on the ten minute break and we see Bill s new Corolla and my unpaid Ford and your bus passes and together we laugh and imagine his face when we key his car. Not today. Maybe tomorrow.  But not tomorrow either because it s Friday but it s not bad yet though. Monday is bad when you re hungover and Bonnie is mad at me and at home its bad but at McDonalds its not much better and it s a brand new week and five whole days of work left before the next weekend. Maybe we ll key Bill s car then, key the bastard right from the ass to the snout. Scratch marks zigzagging up and down the side, and we ll say Damn kids and look down at the ground and laugh til we cry at our next ten minute break. You ll smoke your Marlboro Reds and I ll drink my Coke and we ll laugh our asses off at the big-ass key marks in Bill s car. Sure as shit.   
   You know you're in college when:  One teacher manages to work it into the lecture that, while on acid, you should put jello on the overhead projector and smack it.  And in the very next class, the teacher, while bullshitting about nothing in general, mentions that you should take acid and lock yourself in the closet with a Luminglas&reg; (one of those plate-type glass things with the sand-like stuff that shoots lightning through it)  And this is before I ever did acid.  The bad part of this is that I've done all the acid I'm going to do and I  still  haven't gotten my hands on an overhead projector or a Luminglas&reg;, even though it was suggested in advance.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on the green line heading towards Boston one evening and had the trolley car to myself. I had just had a big Mexican meal and was a bit gaseous. A silent but real deadly cloud came out of me. At the next stop about 6 urban school girls came on and sat down at the other end of the car. As the doors closed, one said "Eeew - it smells like someone done doody"  The ride to the next stop was the most miserable of my life. But I burst out laughing when I got off the train.  
  I told him i had a something to tell him that i had to get off my chest and he said that he did too.   I thought OMG this is it! But instead i said i like you, and wanna be more than friends. He replied I'm gay.   Yeah that definetly wasn't one of my high points.   
  I was at work, and my supervisor was wearing a hideous tie with a pattern of a baby's face in the middle of a potted sunflower.  In front of about 15 of my coworkers I said to my supervisor, "Hey, those are some creepy babies on your tie."  And he replied, "That's my son.  My wife had this tie made for Father's Day."    
  Instead of turning around in the street, or driving around the block like normal citizens, my friends all insisted on driving up the curb and doing 360's on Mrs. Choi's lawn.  Sometimes, they would come ripping down the street  jump the curb and lock them before spinning a 360. I told them it wasn't very cool, not least because she lived directly across the street. It was a good thing that she didn't have any trees in her yard.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me and some of my friends were at a coffee place, just sitting around and smoking. A homeless guy, that seemed like he was trying to stay as clean looking, and neat as he could comes up to us and asks for any money, even pennies cause hes trying to get something to eat. I give him all the change i have, about 75 cents, and he thanks me. Then he goes to the guy next to us, and says the same thing. This guy is doing some sort of work on his laptop. He asks the question and the guy ignores him. He moves a little closer and asks again. This time the guy looks up looking frustrated and very sternly says "NO". The homeless guy then walks away. My friend that im with says loud enough for the guy on his laptop to hear..."MAN that guy was an ASSHOLE!!!" i tryed to keep it in, but i just had to bust out laughing. I bet that guy felt like the ass that he was!  
  When I was in high school, this pain in the ass girl had a crush on me. I was pretty desperate for a woman at the time, but even I didn't want to touch her. She showed her feelings for me by laughing at me and tickling me mercilessly. I hated that bitch.  Years later, I'm talking with my fiance. We went to the same high-school, and were in the same class (though we never dated during high school). She told me the only reason that girl acted like that was because my fiance told her I had a crush on her. Evidently, they just wanted to get rid of her, and I was an easy target.  She still laughs about that to this day. I think she's lucky I still wanted to marry her afterwards.  
  they galloped and pranced along the disco-clad dancefloor for a good part of what seemed a decade, rubbing and flaunting and doing what was necessary.  at last, the embrace, leaving both of their lips cold and their fantasies renewed.  and it was the moment of truth, leaving the dancefloor to face the long, hard road home...unless.  "so, what are you doing now?", i ask.  and the reply:  "you do know i'm a man, right?"            
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just made myself lunch.  its some cup of soup shit that calls itself "Ramen Pride". What the fuck is there to be proud about? its a 25 cent cup of noodles that smells faintly of good dog kibble.   sure is tasty though.  
  I went to an all boys catholic highschool, and yes, it sucked.  They had this rule that you couldn't skateboard on school property because we might injure ourselves.  So, I skateboarded on the sidewalk next to school.  A priest, Father Bill, stopped me and grabbed my skateboard.  He said there was no skating on school property.  I said that's great, but I'm on the sidewalk and that's public property.  He said fine, but started taking the skateboard anyway.  I asked him what the hell he was doing.  His response is, "You still might hurt yourself, so I'm taking your skateboard for the weekend.  This is for you own safety."  This baffled me.  I hated how priests could whatever the fuck they wanted just cause they had a white collar.  So I called him a thief.  I said he was stealing my skateboard and just because he was a priest didn't mean he gets to take what doesn't belong to him.  I got three 4 hour detentions for saying that, and I was told to apologize.  I did the detentions, but I never apologized.  That asshole knew he was wrong.  I'll call him a thief today and I'll call him a thief 30 years from now cause I'm still pissed.  I didn't get to go skating that whole weekend.  
  This cylinder container thing near the top of a telephone pole, it's about the size of a garbage can?  Every time I look up at it and half dare whoever might be hiding inside of it (maybe Oscar the Grouch) to pop out and yell Boo.        
  Wonderful evening in the livingroom with a small crowd. Guy with a guitar is damn good, playing Grateful Dead songs like "Ripple" while we sing along. The evening is full of possibilities. Everybody goes, leaving me alone with the young Cathy (Hi, Cathy Schull!) I have a car outside, but the flickering fireplace invites us, so we bed down on the floor next to each other, and talk, dreamily. An arm somehow reaches around her. She immediately, tightly, snuggles into my shoulder. I can smell her hair. We caress and talk awhile longer. I reach my other hand over, stroke her face. She murmurs and snuggles closer. I lift her chin towards me and kiss her. She: "What!?! Aren't you  married? What are you doing! " Me: "Well, I was in the process of seducing you, since you already know I'm married, and you seem awfully enthusiastic..." She: "I think you have to leave now." Women will  always  remain a complete mystery. Especially because said Cathy later seduced my wife into living with her, purely so that she could climb into my bed without worrying about my wife showing up...  
  IRONY: writing a college entrance exam for a girl that i know,  "The Importance of Honesty in My Life"        
  my friend mike has this really jacked-up, diesel cat named Jasper. the thing is a fucking beast. it runs the house.  whenever i stay at mikes, i always sleep in the basement, on the plush carpet floor. apparently, jasper feels i am invading his private property.  i awoke one lovely saturday morning to the sight of the biggest cat turd i've ever seen in my life, sitting right next to my head. it was a fucking log, and it was even swimming in this nasty brown liquid.  jasper has spoken.    
     I was drinking a cup of tea, when I noticed something solid in my mouth. Spitting it out, I saw it was a dead house-fly, "Calm down" I thought to myself, curbing the urge to gag. "it's not the first time you've eaten a bug, just the first time you've known it."  That still didn't make me feel better.  
  I was drinking in Benicia and this bar had a key for the bathroom. I looked every where, but I never found the key. I walked out of the bar wich was loacted inside of a building complex to search for a trash can. I found one of those big gray barrel trash cans, dragged it around the corner and let loose. Of course I went with a bunch of girls who went looking for me and found me mid stream. I feel sorry for the guy that had to empty the cans.  
  The worst thing about being a lowbrow addict is that I now try to turn everyday moments into lowbrow moments, solely so I can post them.  Ex: I'm running along early this morning, when I'm suddenly attacked by a wave of diarrhea. Do I look for the closest public restroom?  No. I find a semi-private tree to squat behind and let it rip, scooching along the grass when I'm done to wipe clean.   And now it's posted. 8.8.01  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I didn't think I was masturbating that long... But when I pulled my finger out, it was prune-y.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking home after a late night out, I round the corner to my house and lock eyes with our neighborhood homeless guy, pissing all over the grill of my neighbor's car.  "Hey baby, I'm just letting my freak flag fly!"  I couldn't argue with that logic, so I stuck a dollar in his back pocket.    
  I'm not religious, nor do I believe this was any act of god or 'sign', but the rust deposits in my sink one year formed the perfect image of the modern-day mainstream-accepted version of jesus christ. We left him there for weeks as a joke and made everyone who visited pay homage. One day, I came home and my roommate had scrubbed jesus out of the sink. I still regret that we never took a picture.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Living in a college town, one of my friends' and I's favorite things to do is watch the new freshmen look for things to do when they first get to town.  So, we were hanging out on my friend's porch ( right off of campus) when we see two girls walking down the hill towards us.  They're both decked out in their mini-skirts, low-cut shirts, high heels, and cute bags.  They're looking for a night on the town.  At first, it seems as though these girls are no different than the others that have walked past in the last hours, but then it happens: one of them trips on her cute shoe, and tumbles face forward into the pavement.  Then she rolls.  Twice.  Our laughter was unable to stifle and her ego is most likely crushed permanently.  
  Grassroots Festival, 2000:  Blissing out to Thomas Mapfumo and his Zimbabwean All-Blacks, I was sexually assaulted.  Grabs me from behind, wrestles me to the ground, grabs my crotch, then climbs on top and starts humping away.  I finally get a good punch in, and my attacker crawls away on hands and knees.  Two security guards watch the entire thing, smiling.  My friend stood and watched the whole thing, too, then said:  "I think she liked you."  
  The first time I fucked my fuck buddy, I get out of bed to get some water, and don't bother to get dressed.  He says, "You know, if you were a stripper at one of the clubs my co-workers and I go to, you'd make a lot of money."  The first compliment he ever gave me.  Considering the circumstances, I thought it was sweet.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some of my most inspirational thoughts come from sitting on the toilet(mind you, I'm a girl - and a good looking one at that). So, here I was today taking a nice long shitter...and since you must know, we have three small halogen lights in our bathroom. Two of them are out. This allows me to make shadow puppets. Well, I was doing a rabbit...then it turned into a dog, which I must say had an abnormally long tongue. And then...when I looked at this dog from the right, tilted my head, squinted my eyes and moved my thumb half an inch down it became, yes, that's right...a talking llama! And I must say...what in the fuck is a talking llama doing in my bathroom? I already posted your eviction notice llama...a couple more days and I'll get your smelly camel-cousin ass out of there! Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME??? And the moral of the story is: I have way too much damn time and none of this strikes me as inspirational...but maybe it's because I haven't had my Jack Daniels yet or because I've changed to a different brand of toilet paper.  
  so i'm running a quote here at work for a company called General Pump.  if i ever become a porn star, that's going to be my name.  
  With some careful interpretation of the past I am able to blame all of my current problems on my friends.  This leaves me totally blameless and better able to devote my time to remaining bitter and resentful.  
  I got home after nightshift, around 8:30am, no one is home then , I could run around the flat naked without worries. I was in my room, I got undressed to have a shower and got down to my gruds.. and I stood there and after pickin my nose, started to have a bit of personal attention - I wasn't in fear of being caught knowing the front door everyone came through was just past my bedroom door - but , unfortunitly my female flatmate came home - through the back door - why she came home was because she felt ill, here I am standing there.. beroom door open a-pounding my meat "like a man posessed" she walks into sight (her room was opposite mine) and I didn't even hear her! I was dead with fright! - after about a week , we had a laugh about it, it was a laugh, and I still laugh about it now .. but I now wank with all doors and windows closed!!!   
   Brenda Part 1  Only one seat left at the bar, so I am forced to sit next to a vivacious blonde.   Believe it or not, I'm not really into large-breasted bombshells, but she starts the conversation, so my automatic flirt-instinct kicks in.  she's really friendly, but wary and suspicious.  Then Jimmy comes in. Jimmy is the town serial fondler. He's completely harmless, but she doesn't know that.  When he fondles her arm and mumbles something barely coherent, she lunges toward me, either genuinely worried or doing some glorious flirting.  Me: "That's just Jimmy. He's the town serial fondler. He's completely harmless."  But then I continue: "He and I run a double act -- I spot the pretty ones and he drives them into my arms."  She: "You shouldn't have told me that -- I thought you were being really noble."  
  the only way to properly use a stomach full of booze during the holiday season is to drive around stabbing inflatable christmas lawn ornaments with forks, trust me  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          High Praise, For A Lawyer  An article profiles Rusty Hardin, the Houston lawyer you want on your side.  A rival calls him " slicker'n deer guts on a doorknob ."  
  When I started up my car in the parking lot, I found I'd left the tape in and the volume turned WAY up. While I sat there, Guns and Roses serenaded the parking lot.  Then I noticed the little Don Knotts lookalike security guard approaching me, and I tensed up because I thought he was going to bitch about the loud music. Instead he stopped right in front of my car, struck a pose, and played air guitar along with "Paradise City."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were @ huddle house just screwing around one night.  blake said something that kinda pissed me off, so i hocked a huge loogie and spat it in his drink.  not to be outdone, he does the same to me.  we laugh, push our drinks away, and continue the conversation.  no more than 5 minutes later, i take a big, absentminded swig of my water.  
  Danno and me at Chester's- it was 3 a.m. i was sufficiently blurrred on shit Russian beer and B-52's. i  had a pocket full of money and three hours before work.  Yep, i thought to myself, there is still pleanty of time to be somebody.  too bad i had to be me.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you know those bamboo backscratcher dealies?  i have one that i used to masturbate with (now that i've discovered the vibrator, i have no more need for it).  well, my friend daniel touched it once.  the look on his face when i told him was absolutely priceless.  my friends dubbed it the "koochie stick".  
  One day I will make a Photoshop filter that you can feed in a picture of someone and out will come that person with a mullet. I will call it Louie's Mullet Machine.  
  Moscow late night:  At 3 a.m. she blew down to my end of the bar ,tray in hand, smiling her crooked Jewel smile and Spanish  dancing like she was right out of a damn Ricky Martin video.   She was a treasure among the thirsy forieners and  bored hookers.  Her 18 year-old optimism floored me.  She said that she was waitressing her way to scholastic glory.  I listened and knew that she was way to smart for a guy like me.  At 10 a.m. we embraced a weary, stiff goodbye.  I watched the taxi drive off and thought to myself "guess she was not as smart as i thought".    The thing is I really liked hanging out at that bar.      
  When I'm here I keep two windows open, both on lowbrow. While one's loading I read the other one. I play this back and forth instead of doing homework, dishes, cleaning my apartment, etc.   I'm not sure if this is innovative or just another reason to pity me. The former list grows shorter while the latter grows ever longer.  
  So in sixth grade, if you'll recall, everyone was kinda embarrassed about their bodies.  So this kid goes up to the board in my class to do a math problem, and when he turns around he has this huge pup-tent of a boner.  The class starts laughing at him, leading him to look down, realize what is happening, then point at his crotch with both hands and proclaim, "YEEEAAAAHHHH!"  ...and, yeah, that's the only way to handle that situation.  
   she give me that look you know that look like im the fallen angel in her wim wenders movie grabbing onto the bottom of her rope while she spins in all beauty above me i decided that a double was the better bet just cant suck anymore life outta me today       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I watched him coming out of what I knew to be the "fuck you I'm outta this dump" meeting with the boss.  His face was impossible to read.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  Around 1988 when I was young and horny, I was gainfully employed at an arcade.  Good money, shot hearing, and little to no tolerance for teenagers, I druged through my duties. Late May, I began banging a teenage girl who worked at the Chick-Fil-A on Sunday mornings in the office before I opened the store.  I can't remember if she was underaged or if she just acted young.  We made like jackrabbits every Sunday through the Summer. Around September 3rd my manager, a lacky perverted Hispanic Jehovah's Witness, came running into an arcade.  He grabbed me by my arm and took me into the office. "Shut the door," he barked.  "We fucked up." He pulled a video cassettee from his trenchcoat and shoved it into the recorder.  I covered my eyes in horror knowing the consequences.  It didn't take long that the office was being videotaped.  I fucked up.   Then, I hear laughter.  Sneeking past my fingers, I peek at the television.  It was two people fucking, but it was my manager and the manager of the Chick-Fil-A.  Out of nervousness, I began laughing.   "You the funniest thing," he bellowed,"is it's a double feature.  Do you know she's only 14." I broke up with her the following March.  
  we were all starving and broke, so we decided to pull the old eat and run at dennys.  when i told daniel(who is a waiter at a differen't dennys), he got all butt-hurt and told me all about how they probably have my picture and liscence plate number.  i think i'll be okay.  and i hope someday he'll realize that it was nothing personal.  
   "I can't live without  all the goodies: the sweets, the booze, the cigs, the drugs, the guns and the cars. I can live without the fancy clothes, but not the basic treats. I'm a cheap date, you just have to get me high."         
  My stress reliever -  Under my breath, with my  head turned away, I say:  goddamsonofabitchedshitassbastard.  Works every time.  
  there are some times in life when you do something and later wish you had been drunk so it wouldnt sound so fucking stupid.  one of those happened to my mate greg recently.  he was on an ATV riding around a cattle station in australia with me and a ranch hand, there is a cow out of its paddock, greg decides to chase it back, now heres the part i dont understand, he was chasing the cow and somehow drove right the fuck through a barbed wire fence, the quad made it through the barbs but two rows of wire caught greg across the neck and chest, he flipped off the back of the ATV and onto the ground, once i decided he wasnt going to bleed to death i couldnt quit laughing but it was pretty fucked up for a few minutes. we went directly to a bar right afterwords with greg shirtless and covered with blood, i love australia.  
  Dangeroo 2:  My girlfriend is the daughter of the Edinburgh Zoo Warden.  She lives right in the middle of the zoo, which makes coming and going at night on foot hair-raisingly interesting.  Her room is even more interesting, with an enormous coal fire, mounted heads on the walls, and about 20 different big animal pelts lying around.  Of course, we make it our mission to perform a comparison study of which is the best pelt to place in front of the fire and make love on.  Zebra is way too harsh and itchy.  Gnu is too small and wiry.  Grizzly bear is just wonderful.  But our hands-down favourite was snow leopard.  So, if your love-life needs a spark, go bag yourself a snow leopard.  Better be quick, though -- there's only about three left...  
  him: would you get a strap-on and do me in the ass?   me: probably, but its not like you need it from  me .   him: true.  
  My college, for the first time in years, made it into the Final Four (GO TERPS!). My bro and I, along with Jose Cuervo, decide to go watch the game in downtown College Park, where win-or-lose there is sure to be a party.  Little did we know, the party turned out to be a riot. Do you know what happens when you throw an air conditioner on a bonfire? Heh, that was fun.  Anyway, about when we finished off Jose, a sorority girl split a bottle of Captain Morgan's with us. The rest of the night is pretty blurred.  The next morning, my parents asked me what my bro and I did all weekend...then proceeded to pull out a tape of news footage that included me running shirtless circles around a bonfire with a Maryland flag tied to a hockey stick. They STILL haven't given me my car back.  Never drink liqour that has a name.  
  Okay so I went out last Saturday night to Gecko's aka GEEKOS in Huntington Beach and then wondered what in God's name I was doing there? Well I went with a group of friends and noticed this hot guy. He was standing and leaning on this pole and staring directly at me.   Well the Skyy Vodka/Red Bull that I downed was giving me "liquid courage" so I threw a napkin in his direction. He strolled over and I was instantly drawn to him. He looked like Mark Wahlberg except he had blue eyes. I was just mezmerized by him.   We started kissing and it became very heated. So my friends that were going to Denny's I DID plan on meeting but we chose to make out instead for an HOUR. So we went to his place and had sex... And I swear to god I felt like Samantha from Sex and The City that had sex with her "X" _James and was like okay go ahead put it in me! And it was already in! I WAS Samantha and I couldn't believe how little I could feel... Nothing!! Needless to say we haven't talked. The WORST one night stand I have ever had!   
  I come here too often. ... I live with 2 guys in a house with one bathroom. ... Every morning and every night I rinse off my toothbrush for a minute or so before using it. ... Granted it wouldn't wash away the germs from much more than a half hearted stab at either of their anus's. ... But I feel better for doing so.    
  It must've been our fourth-grade picnic at Lindenwood Park. We were done eating and were playing kickball. I called the fire department on a payphone and said, "Lindenwood's on fire! Send a firetruck! Oh, no, Mooooommmm ...... !!!" Foolishly, I told one of the girls in my class what I'd done. She ratted me out, so when the firetruck showed up, Ms. Henrickson made me apologize to the firemen. And I had to sit out for the rest of kickball.  
  Saturday night, baked off our asses, composing choreography to the Steinman/Meatloaf rock opera "Bat Out of Hell".  1977?  Try 2001.  Let the good times roll...  
  17/01/02  A bowl of cheerios.  A mug of tea.  Lowbrow.  Breakfast of Champions.  
  I was picking up the last of my things from my ex-girlfriend, whose dog happened to love me.  The dog got so excited to see me that he pissed all over the carpet.  Take that woman!    
  16/01/02  Time: Summer '97 or '98  Place: Supermarket Checkout Line  Players: Me (a Counselor-In-Training), Chen (a counselor), the checkout person, and an old man standing behind us in line.  It's Ice Cream Sundae night at camp, and me being a CIT, I have to go with Chen to help him get the stuff. I'm not minding- Chen and I are friends, and it's an excuse to get out of camp for a half-hour. We go through the market getting sprinkles, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, maraschino cherries, etc etc.   We get to the checkout line and put our bounty on the conveyour belt. I'm looking pretty old for my age of 15 or 16, and Chen was in his early 20's.   I'm *waiting* for someone to comment on our purchases. I'm thinking it's going to be the checkout person.  The old man behind us says,   "Gonna have fun tonight, eh, kids? Heh heh heh..."  Man, Asian men blush fast...  
  I saw a kid at the mall. He had a leather jacket, and written on the back of it was... "Jesus died for his own sins, not mine."         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The song is much more rewarding when you actually have ten bottles of beer on a wall.  
  I had text message sex all night. Lowbrow part?  I was trying to do some food shopping and kept stopping to read my messages and write back.   I almost dropped my chicken salad.    
   Brenda Part 2  From Brenda 1:  But then I continue: "He and I run a double act -- I spot the pretty ones and he drives them into my arms."  She: "You shouldn't have told me that -- I thought you were being really noble."   So we chat very pleasantly, mostly about her job and her good day. Then:  She: "So, what sort of guy are you?? Are you a tit man, or a leg man, or an ass man or whatever?"  Me (I can't trust her with the actual truth, since saying "I'm actually a crotch man" just wouldn't sound right, would it?): "I'm an eye man."  She: "Oh! That's really nice! But if it wasn't for tit men, I'd never get a date."  
  up here we get lots of snow in the winter. one year during a big snow storm i went out and got pretty darn drunk. i awoke to my mother and girlfriend putting me in the bathtub. i had frost bite. they stuck ice cubes in with me to slowly thaw me out. my mother kept slapping me in the back of my head asking what was i thinking. it felt like glass breaking every time she did that. apparently i passed out in the drive way with my car door open and the snow drifts completely covered me up. ya gotta love Yukon Jack!!!  
  lowbrow is buying your underage friends cheap ass el toro tequila so you can use the change to buy a stick of deoderant.  thanks a lot joe really.  
  I'm at a college I don't know the name of, I went there to visit a friend I never ended up seeing.  While waiting outside his dorm room a couple girls ask me if I want to go to a party.  Why the hell not, they are punks like me.  At the party I'm stoned, everyone else is drunk, I'm talking to a guy from St. Louis who's in a band and must like me because he's handing me his number and telling me that me and the girls should come down and hang out with his band sometime.  Next thing I know it's 10am and I'm in bed with the girls.  I wanted to drive home right then, seemed like a good way to end the trip.  I couldn't find my clothes, so I just took some of theirs.  
  I once went on a trip up north to go rafting, on the way there, there was a bar we stopped at in the most east-bumfuck of towns. There was a little box with five dice in it. One dollar = one roll. Yahtzee gets the pot. There must have been a thousand dollars crammed into that pickle jar.  I think some day I'll open a bar, but there'll be little internet stations where you sit.  Pay five bucks, and you can challenge lowbrow. First person to read 50 moments WITHOUT COMING ACROSS SOME DRIBBLE BY THAT SAD FUCK SORRY_E_E gets the pot, simple as that.  I'll date it at the beginning when I start too, and after a year if nobody wins I'll take it.  I'm gonna be rich someday thanks to that pathetic prick.  Can you tell I hate him and his multitudinous bullshit?  At least I know with barely a glance that it's his crap, and can reload before making it through the first five words.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hooked up with a girl at a bar once, and went back to her place (about 15 miles down the highway).     After a night of messing around (of which I have only vague memories and vaguer notions of the sequence of events), I awoke and realized I had no clue what this girl's name was.  Compounding the issue was the fact she was asleep on my arm, which severely limited the chances of a successful flight.  I lay there contemplating ways to get out while also racking my brain for the girls name.  Looking around the room for a clue, I see her purse a few feet away by the nightstand.  What ensues next is a race against the rising sun, as I try and reach the purse with my foot while simultaneously not jostling her into consciousness.  At last I succeed and quickly look at her ID and rest easy knowing her name, awaiting the time she would at last wake up.   When at last she did wake up, holding her aching head, it turned out she had no idea what my name was either.  I of course acted hurt and insulted...  
  Girl's voice coming from the bathroom at a sleazy bar:  "Now go wash your hands because you just touched your penis."  
  While living in Manhattan, we were playing can-you-top-this about how hungover we all were that morning: Friend1: "I was so sick that I threw up in my sock." Friend2: "I was so sick that I couldn't get to the bathroom on time so I just threw up in the hall. I'll deal with it another day." Me: "I was so sick that I wouldn't let the plumber in." Ended  that  game, right there and then.  
  Ya know, most people just TALK about driving down to the ass-crack of Detroit to buy midget porn at 4am, but how many people actually do it?  That having been said, I was surprised to discover I actually found midget porn a tad disturbing.   
  Messing with other drivers' minds (supplimental):  I always keep some ugly false teeth to wear while driving.  Just some costume teeth for halloween or something similar.  Then I add the sunglasses with only one lens.  Then I stare mindlessly, sometimes at the sky, sometimes at people, but not directly.  I want them to think there is something interesting behind them.  Try it.  
  Eric's eyes lit up:  Your brother's gone to rehab?  "No, my my brother has gonorrhea."  Turns out it was chlamydia anyway.  
  Our connection had dried up, so when Dave said that a real friendly dude approached him in the bathroom at the bar, we jumped on it.    Dude says 'it's in my trunk' so we go out to the lot.  Oh, but his car is elsewhere.  We offer to give him a ride.  Duh.  I sit in the backseat.  Dude bums a cig and takes tobacco out, puts something else in, lights up, and offers to share.  Being at total pothead, I smoke it without question.  Dude gives me a buncha drug-lookin stuff I would never ingest (no green) 'for free'.  I'm feelin fucked up and also starting to get worried.    Meanwhile Dude is giving Dave directions... to an atm.  Now he wants $ from us, and Dave is broke.  Dude comes into the vestibule to watch me try to use the atm.  It occurs to me then that I am in danger and should just give him the cash.  I do so.  So I paid $60 to smoke crack with a junkie and get the shit scared out of me.  Dumbass.  
  so i'm whoopin it up in ireland,taking advantage of the local culture.  there's a horse-farm down the road from the b&b, and we take an excursion for the day. now this was my one and only horse-riding experience, but i dont think they do it like that in the states- they just picked us up at the b&b, stuck us on some horses and sent us off with a 15 yr old as our guide.  an hour and a half leter we come back, dismount, and are looking around for anybody to 1.) take our money for the ride and 2.) gave us a ride back to the b&b. the 15 yr old has run off to do whatever.  then we spot the guy who gave us the ride, and he's pulling a horse in back of him, over to where ther was this other horse in a big open barn space. there's lots of horse-noises being made, and both animals look real intense. guy says "be right with you" and then we realize-- oh no, they're gonna do it! the horses are gonna hump - but it seems the male is having some aim issues and before we know it, our ride guy is GRABBING THE HORSES COCK AND SHOVING IT INSIDE THE FEMALE HORSE.   josh says "if that guy tried to shake my hand later, im gonna deck him"  
  in reguards to my momemt of being kicked out of wal-mart, turns out the asshole got married that weekend and they decided it to be a dry reception.  he came loaded on pills and alcohol and made a complete ass of himself.  I now know his first and last name and work @ a video store... the current plans are as follows: A: Never check in his videos and take them home and charge him. B: Make a new card in his name and use it to rent things to never return them and charge him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         back in the day, vol 87. i told my little brother it would be funny if he dropped a crayfish in her swimsuit. i didn't figure her mother's backhand could send him flying that far. it was much more entertaining than i had originally thought.  
  She.  Touchful since 1993.  Me.  Touchless since the dawn of my skin flute.  If She doesnt render my heart loveful, I'm putting my skin flute up on ebay.    
  One day in our sleepy little town where i am a firefighter there was a small town festival where everyone gets drunk in public.  Well we got a report of a traffic accident on mainstreet.  I was first on the seen to see a smashed port-o-potty under the tire of a large SUV.  A couple of teenagers pushed the port-o-potty down a hill with a friend in it while they sat in horror as the booth went under the tire.  We spent 4 hours with airbags and the jaws of life to save this poor kid covered in human waste and blood.  It was hard to act serious as i yelled at the  kids friends for doing this.  Because only a year ago in my senior year of high school we did the same thing.  But my friend didnt have to get 55 stitches.    
  the vast majority of software on my computer is pirated.  i won't say what programs i use, for obvious reasons.  one time the condom broke and i didn't tell her about it.  there were no consequences, but i should have at least said something.  i am a terrible person.  
  I pulled up to the bank to withdraw some money from the drive-thru ATM.  As the person in front of me pulled away, I pulled up to the machine.   "Would you like another transaction?", it asked.  Hmmm... Withdraw $200 from a random person's account, or spend $200 of my money...   Best $200 spent in my life... And I don't even remember what I bought.  Yay for free money!    
  Last night I smoked a bunch of weed.  Too much weed?  Bad weed? I dunno.  But I do know I threw up at least 10 times and thought I was gonna start puking up my guts before it finally stopped.  So today it feels like someone punched me in my stomach over and over again.  Anyway, I should learn my lesson.  So tonight I've decided...no more weed.  Time to drink till oblivion instead.  Until tomorrow that is.  Vicious cycle, lowbrow, or worse yet...both?  
  looking down from his bar stool a the two young turks, the elderly genelman spoke.  'I know what you mean.  The other day, I ment to say "Honey, could you pass me the jam?", when instead I yelled "You f***ing b***h!  You're sucking the life blood outta me!"'.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
   on a friday night, standing in the hallway outside my dorm apartment, tripping wildly with a friend, these two girls approach us. they point to the door (of the really bitchy and lame girls) across the hallway, and ask if the party is in there.               well there is music thumping from upstairs, and people are whooping and holleriing all up the stairwell to the floor above, but it's dead quiet in my hallway (excepting the echoeds of the noise of above). You can hear them dancing upstairs, but no matter.              Trying hard not to giggle I look at my friend (who is biting his tongue, pupils similarly dilated) and I point at the door and nod my head "yes".             They walk in, the door closes, and then there is a scream from the bitchy girls apartment as the strange ladies entered unannounced. The door opens, and out they come, red-faced, embarassed, and livid. We are laughing hysterically and the shorter one walks up to me and slaps me across the cheek and departs, while we are rolling on the floor.              It was the only time I have ever been slaped by a women!       
  when i was living with my parents, i would just shoot my load on the carpet when masturbating, and my stepmom's dachshund just loved licking it up. in fact, a lot of times he'd chase me around when i'd stand up becuase he knew i was about to cum and he would leave me with no choice but to blow all over his little brown head...  
  Big promise to quit drinking, which I did.  I went years with no craving and no drinking.    Then she had me bring her a glass of wine downstairs.  I sipped.  The next night I guzzled several mouths full out of the bottle.  That was about a month ago.  I'm hoping that was the last of it.  I really am, but I'm scared.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to have a cigarette by the duck pond today, during my lunch-break. When you sit down, all the ducks think you're going to throw them bread, so they gather around you like adoring inocent little kids listenning to a story. I'm not kidding, there must have been at least a hundred.   One of them to knocked the cigarette out of my hand and started eating it, untill it decided that it tasted bad.   I used to go there with my Nan when I was three years old and feed them. Now I'm all grown up and they try to eat my cigarettes.   I've gotta stop smoking.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sometimes i feel like answering those "shot in the dark", desperately-seeking-susan kind of ads in the Chronicle,  pretending wholeheartedly to be some chick some guy saw at the grocery store buying cereal.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         roastedgarlicpizzabutt  
  i'm 22 and not against tokin a bit of bud at all...  but i was sat around a fire at a party being informed that the cake we'd just had was space cake.  there's a guy in shiny leather pants discussing openly the fetish party he's just been to  a guitarist from berlin singing folk songs  a violinist who's 54th birthday we were celebrating  i'd had numerous beers... bottle of wine... few gin and tonics... i was half-way down a bottle of cheap sherry...  i'd eaten close to a pound of cake i guess...  couldn't figure why no-one else was eating it.  exited to the street to be very ill... there was mark... he'd eaten the other half. we looked like siamese puking twins.  
  One month into my five and a half month student exchange it turns out my girlfriend of one year has a thing for taking pictures and videos of herself.  Just my fucking luck to date a closet amateur porn star and not find out until I'm 5000 miles away.  
     One cool thing about Adult bookstores in Vegas is that there are always a lot of chicks in there.  Usually they are embarassed and giggly and shit, but once I saw this super-cute young girl come in, walk right up to the toy section and pick up a huge fist shaped dildo!! I am not a prude, but Jesus! you cannot imagine the size of this thing.    The fat lady that works the counter asked " Would you like some lube with that,sweetie?"    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Surely, some of the world's most brilliant of geniuses had thought up their discoveries or put together the solutions to their ultimate problems while taking a shit, hadn't they?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once, I went to a Chinese resturant, and I had forgotten my glasses, but I was afraid to squint to read the menu because I didn't want them thinking I was making fun of them.         
  Second hand story from my friend who shall be called Catherine:  I was walking in the mall with a friend of mine who had a necklace with a crucifix.  This guy walked up to my friend and pointed to the crucifix and said, "Hey, are you a Christian?"  "No," he answered.  "I'm Jewish.  I just wear this to remember that we killed your god."  
  'Taco Bell, Salsa Doritos, half a pack of cigarettes and two bottles of wine do not make a good combination' - I thought to myself as I blew chunks into the paper bag my roommate was holding for me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         have you been sick and had to puke and shit (diarehha) at the same time  well never puke first cause then you have to change your shorts   
  i'd been unemployed for several days at this time.  i decided that since i had nothing planned for the rest of the day, i'd take a nap in the tub.  unfortunately, the tub is fairly shallow so that laying flat, only my lower legs and forearms were submerged.  still filled with laziness,  i just relaxed in the hot water.  soon, i became aware that i needed to urinate.  my only basis for decision was that i didn't want to get up, so i just let go.  my half erect penis let loose a low pressure arc, which landed directly on my upper (and formerly dry) thigh.  i opened my eyes and looked down at my matted thigh hair and whispered to myself, "this is not my finest hour."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roommate and her boyfriend are asleep in her bed.   (actually, he's not her boyfriend. it's at that weird stage, where they just kinda look at each other real goofy, make out a lot, and insist that they're TAKING IT SLOW and don't want to MOVE TOO FAST. whatever.) anyways, she must be one hell of a deep sleeper.  he has snored, non-stop, for an hour and a half, and farted twice in the last ten minutes.  loud snores, even louder farts. they weren't "i'm asleep and can't help myself" farts either. he has actually stopped snoring, woke up enough to let one rip, and rolled back over.  twice.  he's about to do it again..........did he just wave his hand to blow it around?i hate dorm life.  god, i'm tired.  
  Last call, the lights come up.  A look around the bar tells me that the patrons are best not seen under bright light.  Further consideration reveals that I'm not either.  
  Lots of times the only way I can piece together last night is from the pile of dishes in the sink and list of numbers called on my phone.  
  I love my mom. I went thriftstore shopping with her for the first time recently (she buys up tons of seemingly-crappy items then sells them at yardsales at a mark up, makes a nice amount of cash) and as we walked in the door of Goodwill, she stopped and pulled on a pair of rubber gloves. "Wtf?" I asked. "Look at these people!" she gestured, loud as only a going-deaf little old lady can be. "I ought to wear a full-body condom just to come through the doors!" I love my mom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend and I were sitting in the living room watching tv and simultaneously keeping an eye on his roommates' daughter while they were in the bedroom.  The guy came walking out proudly, tugging at his belt as he left for work. When he was gone, his wife asked us to watch her for a few more minutes.  Seconds after she shut the door, I heard the buzz of her personal jack hammer. Took her a couple minutes to finish the job herself.  Every time I ran into her husband I snickered. I hear he still doesn't know she has to finish it herself. Stand proud, big guy.  
  So I'm about to go over to my lady-friend's house tonite and the implications are clear that I'm gonna get laid for the first time in over a year tonite.  I'm so excited, I could drool.  I've been thinking about this a lot!  So much, as a matter of fact, that I wake up this morning and I've got a friction burn on the head of my cock from masturbating three times yesterday.  Life sucks!  
  I'm a cock tease.  It's fun watching a rooster try to peck the corn from your hand. Sucker.     
  I think the worst part about Gin and Tonics is the vomit. It's not when I squeeze a turd of olive chunks out of my throat. It's when I blow a piece of olive out of my nose that I truly feel awful.  
  I was really pumped when tjay told me that the website we run (www.lowbrow.com) was name-dropped in the New York Times.   I was so stoked that I immediately left work and combed Market Street looking for a couple of copies.   They did not even print the URL in bold face.   What a gyp.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  When I was in 9th grade, my older bitchy sister who told my parents that I smoked pot, was a senior.    She was the total valedictorian and so perfect.  SHe had a boyfriend that my parents hated.    My vengence was simple and absolute.  I stole a 20 pack of condoms from the pharmacy went home and put a single squirt of liquid hand soap in each unwrapped condom and left them slightly hidden but still in plain site in her bedroom the morning after her boyfriend had been over and she was gone for the day.    Mother walked in and began to spot a lot of used condoms.    I was in heaven.  Pure fucking heaven.   
  poor man's speedball: weed and coffee  I love Sunday mornings  
  We go to a cook-out sponsored by my husband's office, and after several kegs have come and gone, the topic gets around to marriage and kids and the detriments of both. Many of the guys there have been divorced and according to them gotten taken to the cleaners.  Questioning the group as a whole, someone asks who's been married more than once... more than twice? thrice? I finally win, being on husband #4.  "Wow" says one guy. "You must have really made out like a bandit, then." "Not really." I reply. "I didn't divorce them. They all.... er... died." Suddenly their divorce woes didn't look so bad. And they were really nice to my husband after that.  
  I'm at the ghetto dahls, picking up food for the week. I see a bottle of cheap zinfandel, so I snag it. I get home, and throw it in the fridge. 10:00 rolls around, and I decide I want a drink. Two hours later, all 1.5 litres of it are gone.  I go to sleep drunk out of my mind, and wake up the next day about 11 am. I waste away the afternoon, doing nothing. about 7 pm, I notice a giant pink stain on my carpet, computer, fan, light base, book case, bed covers. Apparently I had puked my brains out last night, and it took me nearly 8 hours of coherence (hah!) to notice it. I think i've sunk to a new low.  
  The customer pissed us off royally. We had his name and address from the order form. We enrolled him in every book or record club, filled out every magazine subscription card we could find. He had a bitchy wife, probably part of the reason he was such an asshole. I'm sure he had to deal with her questions for a couple of weeks after the first issues of Playboy, Guns and Ammo, and Cosmo started arriving. Don't piss off people who have your address.  
  Have you ever pretended to be interested in buying a car, just so the dealer can kiss your ass for a few minutes, thus granting you some self-esteem?  
  when i was little, my parents used to entertain guests a lot. i was relegated to the upstairs section of our house.   i used this opportunity to secretly watch HBO and MTV all night.  one night, when i was five, i saw some stupid early 80s movie with goldie hawn playing a football coach. in one scene, an extremely large linebacker, pumped about the upcoming game, shouts "let's go eat some pussy!"  i ran downstairs and interrupted my dad's conversation with a couple of his co-workers. he knelt down and i whispered in his ear, "let's go eat some pussy."  i'll never get over the look of confusion and shock in his eyes. god, i hope i never have kids.    
  From another posting: "My roommate said, 'There is NO WAY that Britney Spears is a virgin.'" I suspect she got it taken care of surgically, so as to not comprimise her career ambitions, just like the rest of her...  
  There's a sparrow caught inside the local Albertson's supermarket. Every time I go there I see the little thing fly up around the rafters. I don't know whether or not to call some government animal control agency and ask them to "rescue" it, cause I kind of like seeing it there.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My dad used to have a bumper sticker on his truck that read, "I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet." ~puck~  
  I'm afflicted with arthritis at an unusually young age. Every morning when I wake up my muscles are as tight as virgins at a senior dance.   So when I get in the shower and I let the hot water beat down upon my body... I beat myself off until I reach orgasm. I didn't realize that 10 seconds of bliss as my load spurts out into the tub that I have no pain in my body at all.  I'm quitting my job today and trying to develop a drug that will give me this all the time.  
  whilst shoppign at valu-village one bright summer morn, i was siftign through the "ladie's short sleve blouses" when across the isle an old man walks slowly in. stops, slowly lifts his right leg and squeezes out the most high pitched farts i have ever heard. he puts his leg down, clears his throat and continues on.  two days later he shows up in the store i work in.   i was dissappointed i got no encore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Not my moment really, but there was this guy at varsity that was competing in the nude beer scull up against 2 others guys and a couple of chicks.  He wanted to win, like he really wanted to win...he sculled his beer, pissed into his glass, drank it again, and then again.  Varsity is just full of great memories......  
  One time I was at a gourmet grocery store with my mom and found this little container of dehydrated mushrooms.  I purchased this container and told all my friends they were shrooms.  It was very entertaining watching them all act like they were really tripping.  I later told them the truth.  They all said they felt bad telling me I had bought some bad shit.  It's nice to know I have friends that care so much about my feelings.  
  Him: mid-thirties white trash missing teeth balding slurring lanky greasy hair  splotchy pill addict way, pock-marked and overweight with open sores all over him. he's telling me how he got ass-raped by n****ers in prison while i desperately avoid touching him or letting anything i own touch him. my despised skank of a roommate brought him home with her. she's throwing herself at an eighties glam band reject, complete with mullett.  His girlfriend: 14. nuf said.  i leave for 20 minutes to put my puking (and i am envious of her) friend to bed.  i come back and they're all fucking on the floor in front of my bed.   i still have nightmares.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Postmodernism: the method in which one makes a simple concept complicated, and complicated ideas incomprehensible.  (Or at least, that's how I define it.)    
  I just sat here and watched the drool slowly extend from the corner of my mouth to my arm.  God, I'm wasted.  
  a direct quote from joe: "did you ever notice that parents are alot more tolerable when you're high?"  
  So this one time I am watching my mom's house and I am getting really ripped and watching pornos.  I decide to get some lotion from the bathroom to use as lubricant.  The next day I noticed the lotion I had used was a "tan in a bottle" shit and my freakin' hands and dick were all super brown.  Explain that to your friends.  
  My boss is a major asshole.  He sent me to mcdonalds for his lunch one day, and I fucked up the order.  Of course, I blamed it on McDs, and he made me call, demand another cheeseburger, and make sure it was ready when he drove by to get it.  I hate him.  
  To the girl who wrote about the terrible tragedy of having no penis, and therefore not being able to tell somebody to fuck off by instructing them to "Suck my dick!":  Say it anyway.  Doubly offensive coming from a girl.  Trust me.  
  I like to go into AOL Instant Messanger chatrooms and annoy people.  Then again, who doesn't?  My battleplan?  Well, it just so happens that all of these retards running around, spouting "A/s/l/pic?" annoy me, I decided to have a little fun with them.  Every time someone would askme for a pic, I would jump at the chance.  After I was direct connected, I'd send them a pic of Michael Jackson from Thriller in full zombie makeup.  The lowbrow part is that you would have no idea how many people don't recognize it.  Ahh, the blissfully ignorant youth of America...  
  I haven't washed my coffee cup in MONTHS! Everything else looks fine on my desk: Pens, pencils, post-its all put away, and I'm careful with my personal grooming. My coffee cup provides an interesting counterpoint, since it's black and crusty inside and has a brown glaze at the bottom. It looks like someone's been using it for a spitoon. It's not nasty; it's just "well conditioned!"  
  first off, i hate fucking liars...especially the kind that are fat pieces of shit and named jason (you know who you are).  just in case you don't, lets extrapolate.    so this fat fuck, lets just call him FF for short, has an internship downtown.  not a day went by, not a day, where this dickless prick wouldn't come home and tell everyone who would stand still long enough to listen about how he was the greatest employee the company had ever had.  over the course of these rave reviews of his performance, he wove a tapestry of personal bests.  he set the sales record for one week, he was the best employee they'd ever had, he was being hired full time upon graduation....for sure.  unbeknownst to FF, but knowst to me, i knew someone who worked in their human resource department.  she informed me that FF had lost a truckload of money and accounts for the company, screwed virtually everything up (with exception to a female in the past 2 years), and been the worst employee since the exxon valdez captain.    we never confronted him with this knowledge, thinking that in time that his bullshit would pile too high, and he'd have to admit it.  but no, he was too content being fat, jobless, friendless, hopeless, and having the same chance of getting laid again this lifetime as the tooth fairy singing Wu-Tang Clan while railing the easter bunny in the ass with a 12 foot concrete dildo.    for those of you without imagination, it's pretty fucking unlikely.  about a week after graduation, we asked him how his new job was, and he fed us another helping of count bullshit cereal.  apparently, there was a "mysterious, random freeze on hiring of new employees" that kept him from the job.  but, never fear, he was currently interviewing for 3 positions that easily paid over 40 thousand a year....for entry level.  last i heard, he was selling coupons door to door.  sorry to break it to you jason, but being a piece of shit doesn't get you a high paying job.  eat me   
  My co-worker, you know, one of those 400 lb women who at one point thought, "how can I get any uglier...I know, a nose-ring," this women makes buck ugly look gorgeous. Anyways, she got kicked in the mouth by a horse and her substitute was telling a woman about the story and she commented to me, "Yeah, she looked pretty bad didn't she." I looked them both in the eye and responded "Personally, I couldn't see any difference" without flinching. Only when their jaws hit the ground did I relize just what I said.  
  I dated this girl who always had a fantasy about biting the mole off of my chin.  I would've let her if she'd really wanted to.  
  I found a site where you can find a few dozen pictures of MTV's Daria doing unspeakably nasty things to the rest of the show's cartoon cast, including Beavis and Butthead.  The pictures are a strange mixture of hilarious, disgusting, and simply wrong.  
  I was out camping. Me and my cousin hand a big bag of those cheap styofoam cups. so we threw them in the fire one by one. the fumes made me feel like i needed to yak. but we kept doing it anyway. the styrofoam cups shrink and crumble into themselves when you burn them. when the fire went out we were left with a pile of little black balls that looked like rat shit.  i put those rat shits in my sister's socks.  
  Something spoken rashly and in the heat of the moment is like this low brow site.  Once you dish it out, you can never take it beck.         
  A friend of mine was donating blood to the local red cross. The red cross worker went over the final questions Have you paid for sex or ever offered sex for money? My friend replied, does roll playing count?  
  The boss comes in around lunchtime and starts lecturing everyone in cubicle-ville about our poor eating habits. "Carbs, blah blah blah." No one even acknowledges that he's in the room- we just stay fixed to our computer screens figuring the less we say, the quicker he'll leave. Finally, he walks away.   Did I mention he weighs 350 lbs?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            I can still remember glimpses of being 2 years old, wearing diapers, drinking from a bottle, peeing through the rungs of my crib and pretending it was a urinal, purposefully shitting myself before going to sleep. I even remember shitting myself, sticking a finger in and tasting it.     That's not too lowbrow, I was only 2 after all. Weird thing is, I can remember telling people when I was much older that I remembered that, and that I even remember that it tasted spicy.     Why would I say that?  
  beauty is in the eye of the beholder tho id be holding her she wouldnt be held        
  Everytime I do or say something extremely embarrassing I think of President John F. Kennedy who stood in front of the Berlin Wall and proclaimed to the entire world in an accident of miss-spoken German.  "I am a jelly donut."        
  me and brittney (spears) we sitting on the couch.   she just gave me a hand job while we listened to her music.  i said "now make me a burger, bitch - and put on some metallica"  she doesn't come over any more  bitch  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was dating this girl.  She just didn't do it for me anymore.  You know... just not my type.  It wasn't meant to be.  I was a whimp, though.  I didn't want to talk to her anymore, even to break up with her.  I'm not proud of this, but ..... her answering machine did a wonderful job of breaking up with her for me.     
  I found one of my exes has a personals ad in Yahoo, so while on at an internet cafe, I answered it, of course not saying it was me. He wrote back. I responded. This went on for several weeks, and I got richer and more beautiful and kinkier with each exchange. Then came the time to actually "meet".  I wonder how long he stood in front of that Starbucks before I was demoted once again to "fucking cow".   
  When my dad was chronically ill, I used to sell his pain meds for $5 a pill to my crank dealer.  Usually my dealer would just credit me for it and trade me 4 pills for a quarter bag.  
  Magical things happen when you put a condom on a shower head and turn the water on.  
  Since we're sharing and all.  Things that have been in my ass:   Dick  Thermometer  Finger(s)  Dick  Purple Dildo  wine bottle (no, not the whole thing, jeez people)  Red Dildo  Fleshtoned Shiva-shaped Dildo  Butt-plug    Hmmm.  Maybe I sohuld get rid of some of the sex toys...  
  So now a couple of fat people are suing McDonalds for making them fat.  
  the quote starts  slamming the door on the s ten  wanting to stare her stage crying ass down with murder in my eyes i decided to look at her as i had lost her forever cos i had i drove off with her wailing fakely and probably jigging mad joy when i was outta sight but i said i was gonna leave her ass and i did and never looked back period and ends with a but i did fuck her after that  a couple times and ya know she still wants me blahblahblah  cos were all trained jellospines and when lust says so we leap through ringsofire id pay to hear johnny cash say some shit like that or maybe william burroughs yeh smokey willy would do quite nicely           
  Last night's supper was: one can Chef Boy-ar-dee Beef Ravioli, cold in the can one package of 6 peanut butter and toast crackers 8 beer   
  Me and my best friend were camping on his land at the lake. We had built this giant fire and just kept stoking it up with more and more wood. The whole time we are drinking 7 & 7's like fucking water.  When it got to be very late and we were getting ready to pass out we decided to piss on the fire, which by this time is a large mass of coals and embers big enough to cook an elephant.  Well we started pissing and pissing and pissing, damn all that 7 & 7. All of a sudden this huge cloud of "piss steam" engulfed us, but we couldn't stop pissing.  Oh hell, the smell was rank and we had to go to sleep smelling like piss.  A few bong hits later it didn't matter...  
  "if you wanna come over and fuck, that's cool... but if you just wanna come over, well... that ain't cool."  
  The illusion of paradise ended when I realized being white in Hawaii is like being black in 1950s Alabama.  
  Some suggested bumper stickers to be guerrila-stuck on big SUVs:  "Your children are in my 'crumple-zone'"  "Screw global warming: I've got AC"  "It takes a tiny penis to raise the need for this monstrosity"  "Thanks for driving something small - it makes me feel superior"  "I am one Selfish, Ugly American"  "I'm not as stupid as I look - I own 1000 acres of beachfront property in Alaska"  Any more suggestions?  
  People I talk to often use the term "double fisting" to mean drinking two drinks at the same time.  This is far diferent from the definition that I've heard throughout my life.  Everytime someone tells me they were double fisting at a party, I giggle like i was a little girl. Same thing happens when I talk to my boss about cars, and she tells me how much she loves Hummers  
        I went to subway yesterday.  I stepped up to the counter, "what kind of sandwhich would you like today sir?" the girl behind the counter asked.  "I'm still trying to decide what kind of bread I want... this could take awhile."    Why does a sub shop need 5 different kinds of bread?  
  she spent the first half of the train ride -- 30 minutes -- applying her makeup ever so carefully. brushes and colors flew out of her bag until her plain face had been transformed to something slightly less ordinary -- watching the transformation happen, i think, rubbed away some of the makeup's magical effects.   it wasn't until she fell asleep that i noticed the places where her eyeliner had skipped as a result of the train's bumpy ride, tiny blobs of brown interrupting the rest of the line. sort of like line segments.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  One night I ended up hooking up with this kid. He ends up coming to my room and when he orgasmed he kept shouting FINISH IT!! at the top of his lungs.   Then the next day he decides to tell all my friends that I took advantage of him... ha!  Needless to say, there's an astounding chorus of FINISH IT whenever we see him out.   
       Today mom was buying steering fluid for the car and the guy asked if she wanted a bag and she said "no I'll drink it on the way home."   
   "do you want four or six?" the blond bartender with goofy glasses and a russian style fur hat said. "uhhh.... six, since it's 2 for 1, i guess." "i have a friend" she says, "who always says ' it's like twelve for the price of six!' HaaaHAhhaHAA."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I think 90% of the lowbrow moments I've ever been in or witnessed pertain to my workplace, leading me to the conclusion that my JOB is lowbrow.  *Sighs* I need a life. We get frozen spinach packaged in the standard one pound box every week.  Prepping said spinach involves thawing it somehow.  I usually take it out of the box frozen and cook it in the steamer, but my other co-workers decided that they should just stick it on top of the stove, so it would melt gradually.  I had no problems with their approach at this point in time. It was a bitch of a Saturday, I believe.  Customers everywhere, things going wrong every ten seconds.  My boss, a 5' little guy, was scurrying around, irritable and scowling.  He finally told me I had to go back and prep the spinach. I walked back and reached up to grab the tray of spinach.  I moved carefully, since when it thaws, the tray fills with a crapload of spinach water.  The next thing I know, I let the side of the tray slip, and poured spinach water all over my breast and down my pants.  It had been on the hot stove all day.  I started jumping around, screaming. Boss started laughing so hard he couldn't even ask if I was okay.  I was . . . until he pointed out that the area of my shirt covering my breast was dyed a perfect green.  Cue more laughter.  I endured a lot of jokes that day.  
  realizing I would have to tell my 4 month old daughter what it is I do for a living. Some call it marketing. I do not.  
  Every boy I've ever kissed has been either a goalie or a drummer. There have never been any exceptions, and there have been a lot of boys. I guess I like the backup men... ~puck~  
  Triumphant today as I have finally remembered the name and artist of a song I'd been trying to recall for months.   By Black Crowes, unfortunately, I thought I had better taste than that.   
  I hated high school. I hated all of my teachers, except 3. All the teachers wouls say to me "It's nice to see you have some school spirit finally, Chris. You've been to every home football game this year"  I only went to the games to stare at the lights. I couldn't give shit about the team. I loved those bright field lights.   Tripping balls rules  
  I have a custom-made holster for my dick. Actually it's just a sock connected to a belt, but still cool.  
  The first time I ever masturbated I was about 14 or 15. I knew it felt good when I touched myself down there but didn't really know what this "masturbation" thing was... well I figured it out.  Sitting on the edge of my bed, feeling what was at the time the best thing I had ever felt.  There was my mother, standing there in the darkness at the end of the hallway, shaking her head...  That was the first and last time I left the door open while I jerked off.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am a 41 year old African-Amerindian male who is reasonably well-endowed (8 1/2" x 5" around, Rose, Rob says hi), and is dedicated to performance of cunniligus. Because, I don't believe in lying to women, and I really like sex-play, I tend to engage in very open, honest relationships... well, recently I met a 50 year old German-Irish woman while dancing, and decide to take her home and give her a thrill !!! Boy, did she love the tongue tornado !!! Well, after two months of dating her, I decided I needed a little break, (read variety), and hooked up with 2 17 year old girls, and a guy to party till the break of dawn, well, my 50 y.o. honey came in with the atitude of the new millinium, and told me she would be leaving me for good... being a HUGE Star Trek fan all I could say was "Live long and Prosper"  
  "I've had two separate people tell me that you're married. Is this true?" Asked the frat boy I've just fucked.  "No. I'm divorced." I lie. Oh. He doesn't know I'm 27 either. Idiot.   
  I lived in Olympia, wa. for awhile. ON one of the rare trips we made to seattle we went to an all night restraunt called Beth's (I think). If memory serves it's well known. So there we are, about 5 or 6 of us, being a bunch of goofs as usual . I think we sang really loudly with the juke box "the lion sleeps tonight" We ended up making friends with the next table (also 5 or 6 ppl).They were pretty obnoxious like us, at some point we were told to settle down or leave. So we go out with our new friends and decide we want to bowl, they happen to know of a 24 hr bowling alley(yay!). So ,we head all over freakin seattle...doing chinese fire drills and other obnoxious crap along the way. We finally get to the 24 hr bowling alley, and guess what, the lanes close at 3 am....it's 2:30, so they won't let us bowl...the bastards!! So we go and hang out in their parking lot trying to think of something to do next. After a while, a cop comes out and tells us he doesn't want to run us off, but the alley management doesn't want us loitering... After about another half hour, we haven't left yet. We are talking, and this one guy says "well, I'm not leaving until some one gets naked" He has said this about 1000 times so far. Fed up , I look at him, and say "fine" up goes my shirt and bra...my big tits for all to see, including the cop on the security cam inside. He came out to tell me I would be on his xmas card this year. I'm so cool>:)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          When your searching for porn and you load a page and she's perfect - perfect body, perfect hair, face ect.  And the fuckhead who directed the photo shoot (or movie) managed, amazingly, to not take one fucking sexy photo of her.  Not one.  Too much flash, camera too far away, to my gynecology, it just goes on and on.  Where is the justice?  All them hormones cooking from the time she was 14 for nothing.  
  How many times has someone said to you, "If I had a dollar for every time I heard that..." What if you had ten dollars for every time you heard that? I can't stand it when people think small.  
  Interesting concept of the day...  Imagine that human piss is flamible. Now imagine how different human history would be due to this fact.  Do you think there would be many cases of murder in this fashion? And medieval warfair with the pissing off the battlements onto soldiers below before flinging fire arrows at them. And of course the sexual side effects...  A whole new basis for lowbrowness would have existed...  
  When I was 20 I was an usher at my best friend's wedding.  I was doing my escorting guests to their places in the pews of this very large church.  Well, I get back to the entry and I see a really hot 17-year old girl and her almost as hot mother standing there.  I offer my arm to the daughter, thinking I'd escort them both at the same time, but mom stays behind.  The entire way to the pews the girl is hitting up on me something fierce and I'm really tempted to ask for her number, but the opertunity never arises. I get back to the entry and discover mom is still there, having sent the other ushers away (as I found out later).  I offer her my arm and the entire way to the pews SHE is hitting up on me harder than her daughter had been.  I spent a large part of that day wondering which of them I wanted more.  I whimped out and took the maid of honor out instead.  
  Don't EVER just order water at a fancy restaurant.    We servers have to sell a certain average of money outside your entrees.    EVERYONE who orders water gets a big squirt of my saliva, at no extra charge.  
  As I walked to the bus stop it was one honk or whistle after another.  Yes, I felt damn hot.  Grinning ear to ear I entered the bus.    Then I realized the back of my skirt was partially tucked into my panties.  
   They get's to me, these little notes and reminders from people who probably died years before I was even born....   Like when I'm standing in a parking garage waiting for my car to be brought around, and what I see on the office window is:  Whoever loves the least, holds the most power in a relationship.    So there I am with some fucker I'll never meet cleverly pointing out to me that I've delayed my career plans by months and driven 70 miles to see this beautiful young woman next to me perform in the Philly Symphonia while my quasi-girlfriend is pining away back home.     Fuck, here I am, leaving my own little note to the streamlined young men of the future.  
  reading lowbrow  i sneeze without covering my mouth  it wasn't just a dry sneeze  the snot flew right behind my fan  when it came back through the fan it got stuck to the metal grating that covers the fan  I don't think my roommate noticed  score  
  I am wondering if lowbrow is just a slick marketing trick to create a spam list of drunk, literate, horny masochists.  
  I used to work at a restaurant that will go unnamed. (It rhymes with "Slack-eyed Pea")  The clientele that frequented this place were often lower economic class people.    Or old...really old.  I saw some interesting characters come and go and heard some crazy stories.  A family of five came in: Dad, Mom, 2 boys and a girl all under 10 yrs.  The kids are bouncing off the walls, just being kids, happy.  They sit at a booth in a corner of the restaurant.  Some time has passed when a co-worker that was waiting on them demanded that I go refill thier drinks.   "Trust me," she says.    I near the table and see that daughter has her face in the corner of the booth against the wall, sitting on Dad's side of the booth.  The boys are sniffling and snotting on themselves, nestled by Mom.  Mom has red eyes.  Dad looks alright.  They hush themselves as I approach.  "More Tea?"  "Yes, please." "Ma'am?" "Yes, Thank you." "Anything for the little folks?" "No, they're okay thank you." "You're welcome."  As I leave the table, I hear, "It doesn't mean that WE don't love YOU anymore.  It just means that your mother and I don't love each other anymore."    I didn't see them leave, but I never saw the daughter take her face out of the corner.  A Jerry Springer Episode and an Oprah Therapy show waiting to happen, all in one.  There has got to be a better place to discuss your divorce with your children.  Like Chuck E. Cheese.  
  my girlfriend has taken to sitting next to me as I'm shooting people in Counterstrike. she starts to discuss all the senseless violence and questions what exactly makes men want to kill. then she starts talking about the relationship.  ... as if the two are not related.  Today I turned to her and started gibbering like a monkey. I hooted and screamed like the most fleabitten howler monkey ever to disrupt a jungle. While doing this, I began to jump up and down while scratching my pits. Finally I turned around and mooned her.  I didn't fling my own feces at her, but I did send a lot of spittle flying during my little demonstration.  I must've won the media-violence argument because she didn't say much after that. I think Al Gore should have tried that strategy during the 2000 debates. I bet people wouldn't have cared much what his opponent said after that.  
  i have yet to see a funnier thing when stoned than the episode of star trek: the next generation where commander riker and his dad fight eachother in giant robot suits.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My english professor once asked me to give the class an example of onomatopoeia.  "Ralphed. I once drank too much bourbon, and ralphed in a friends car."     
  I like to pretend I'm a man who likes to pretend he's a woman of old age.  
  When I was 20 I took my slightly younger friend to her senior prom. Her friends were all jealous that she was on the arm of a "college man".  Gawd, it feels good to be a trophy date.  
  Why is it the same kids that refuse to work at a fast food restaurant because they refuse to wear uniforms, also won't wear certain clothes because their friends would never wear them? Goths... are you hearing me?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Never go down on a girl directly after eating anything with Tabasco sauce in it.  No matter what.  
  I live with my boyfriend and another female roomie.  I was in the kitchen roomie was in the bathroom, boyfriend was in the bedroom, I walked into the bedroom to find boyfriend taking a piss into a vase that once held roses.  the look was priceless, he was busted dick in hand.  he manages to squeak out, she's taking forever... I had to go... I have to shit too, she'd better hury up...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you can't have sex on a ddr pad and get a good score.  it just doesn't work like that.  have you ever played the game?  think of the kinds of maneuvers you have to go through to get messages like "you're hot tonight" and "great job" etc.  it's just not physically possible to do that in the midst of intercourse.  i'm sorry, either you're lying or the people behind you in line were.  
  To quote a previous lowbrow post:  "I hate Scrappy.    I don't know why. For some reason, I saw the episode where he first came out, and I hated him on sight."  Looking at that, first thing that popped into my head was an effeminate Scrappy Doo in a little pink dress sashaying up to Shaggy. I think kanooka meant the other definition of "came out." Although that would make for one hell of a good episode.  
  so i have this fishnet thong.   its usually pretty comfortable, doesnt really bother me.  but its been driving me crazy all day. i finally realize why at like, 5 pm.   its inside out. the cotton part thats supposed to be against my pussy is on the outside, leaving the fishnet to rub against me constantly.  and i was too lazy to fix them, so its 1 43 am and they are still annoying the hell out of me.     
  They kept telling us to stand further back, but we didn't believe it would really be all that dangerous.  When they finally pulled the trigger, though, the flames singed our eyebrows and we jumped back.  Big fire.  On wheels?  With a creak, squeak, and groan, it lumbered off...  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  last night i stole an empty keg from behind a pub. i got really badly bruised carrying it home since i kept falling over (coz i was drunk of course). we are going to make it into one of those cool steel drums like they have in the caribeean.  
  i saw this one bumper sticker on a truck that said its a baby not a choice so i followed them and they eventually turned into some mom and pops diner, i put electrical tape (i carry some in my glove box because when i took photography i used to have to use that to hold the camera steady on my tripod) and i covered its not a choice so it just said "its a baby" in hopes people would congradulate the guy, now it wasn't very funny to anyone but me but i felt real badass  
  A haiku:  Did you ever think That somewhere, someone you know Is masturbating?  
  One of my favorite things to do at the movie theater is to watch a really gory movie and wait for a scene where a guy is ripped apart, decapitated, or whatever.  I wait a little while and then ask somebody, "Do you think he's going to be okay?"  
  I just saw a toy commercial for a specialized playdoh set where you could build really big playdoh teeth and then use toy dentist tools to clean, pick, or pull them.  What's next, a toy bris kit?  
  "Hurry up," he whined. "Fuck you," I shot back from the bathroom's only stall.  It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized there was no toilet paper, just before the exit door slammed and the lights in the out-of-the-way bathroom went out.  
  7:30 AM: I'm in Rite Aid, and I need visine because I plan on smoking a fat joint before work at 9.  I pick it up, and wait by the counter.  No cashier...wait a little.  Manager guy says: "Oh someone'll be out in a minute."  What the fuck?!  Like I have TIME for this!?  Slip the visine into my coat pocket.  Head to the eye care aisle, fake put it back, and walk out.  Manager guy must have been suspicous, because he was outside, talking to someone as I left, and asked "Yo, where you goin?"  My response, with raised arms: "I gotta go, man!"  I think of that whenever I feel it's cool burn in my eyes...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend just got his master's degree, and yet he still thinks insurance salesmen would never lie to him. Scary.  
  So I'm in the break room chatting it up with all the other losers at my job. We're bitching and moaning about how we hate our job when BAM, the boss-lady walks in with a big ol' shit face grin. Stupidly one of the dickheads sitting in the breakroom ask what she's so happy about? She replies with, "I'm pregnat." My return comment. "Do you know who the father is?"  Who do you think have the shit face grin when they left that breakroom? Hint: It wasn't her!  
  We're back on the Texas Death Row last meals and why not have nachos with peppers?  Your not exactly going to have to worry about how it feels on the way out.  
  So the quiet paint technician quit her job. After a couple of fruitless visits, I walk up to the paint counter. Me: "Eh, I'm looking for the dark-haired girl..." He: "She quit, couple weeks ago." Me: "Damn! I just really wanted to thank her for her help. Do you have her number?" Moron. I call, explain who I am, and remind her of my boy, who she loves. She: "Why are you calling?" Me: "I want to invite you out." She, amazingly enthusiastic: "Where?" Me: "BrewPub. I'll buy you dinner. I just want to look at you. I promise I won't touch you." She: "What a shame..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         once, a few of us were sitting around eating at the little cafe on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building. and we start talking about how soft leather made out of babies would be. baby leather sofas would be all the rage.  then we started talking about baby leather farms. big, dark, indoor pools of lotion full of babies getting all softened up. we started talking about how we'd figure how old we can let a baby get (for the square inches) without letting it get tough. then, this girl in the cafe came out and sat with us, she asked why we were laughing. my friends all shut up. so i told her. the whole story. she walked off without saying anything. and then one of my friends told me she just had a miscarriage.  baby leather though! imagine the possibilities!  
  One reason to not drink numerous vodka tonics at an OPEN bar at your then boyfriend's friends wedding...  So I go to this wedding where I do not know a soul except my man and this bitch that is his "friend" but latently I know she wants to wear his ass as a hat! So I am uncomfortable anyway, so open bar equals personality plus right! I am dancing gettin down and becoming buds with everyone.. I am the hit of the wedding..   Dressed to kill in my long crinkly shirt with a chic black turtleneck, I am dressed to the nines! I walk over to have yet another tonic with Skyy Vodka cause I am quite parched. I walk over and suddenly slip and land on my ass! I get up nonchalantly praying to God that no one saw me but I Sooo know they did. I end up being best friends with the bartender after 30 min. and finally my man goes to look for his girlfriend that is M.I.A. I remember going to the bathroom, crying, yelling at that fat bitch that wanted him that was also a bridesmaid and the rest of the night went blank...   I woke up feeling dizzy, nauseous, had a bruise the size of Kansas on my ass and not knowing what the hell happened! Three days later did he tell me what happened and needless to say we were doomed from that day on... Never mix alcohol when in an awkward position, it will bite you in the ass every time!!   
  This one's for linz@snuggles.org -------------------------------- i was staying in this motel in maryland on my way home from my aunt's place in florida. i woke up in the middle night feeling a bit frisky. so, i scrambled through my bags and found my lubricant but couldn't find my magazines so i started going at it with myself any way as i searched the dresser drawer in the motel for some possible left over jerkin material. well, i didn't find any mags but in the process of looking i accidently got KY JELLY all over the BIBLE that was in the drawer.   
  i like picking my nose, alot, well not as much as your thinking...when i'm alone anyway, so I go to cram it one day, it's one of those you know is gonnna be a bitch to get a hold and i have a hang nail i dont realize i have, so it goes in smnooth in the right directino, but on the first turn the whole nail slices the nostril, try explaining to your room mate how you cut your nose that'll teach  me  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few nights ago I ran into a guy who used to play softball with us. He was our fill in guy (a friend of a friend).  Him: My softball days are over Me: Why? Him: (lifts sleeve to show mangled mess of an arm) Caught my wife cheating on me with my best friend. When I saw him I ran after him and he shot me with a twelve gauge. Me: ??? Ugh!! Put it away... no no, let me see it again Him: (Points to what was his wrist) This is part of my hip. Me: Next time run away  Note... it was especially peculiar that this guy lost a wife, hip, arm, best friend... and he seemed most upset that he would never play softball again.   
  the girl said: "in all this time, you are the only one that has never lied to me". what does that tell about her, and about me? deception in so many other quarters? gullibility? probably that we didn't talk enough.  
  Watching a couple of buddhist guys play hacky on the lawn during a meditation retreat, i finally knew for sure that i'm not gay.  
  One time I was mowing my lawn and a woman that I knew (and had a crush on!) walked by. Right at that moment the mower hit a large rock and the blade was knocked off the spindle.  The blade flew across the yard and right into the woman's right thigh!  Fortuately the injury was not that bad, just a small scrape.  That woman,(Sally) and I are now married!    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just got treated like shit by an asshole and then I realized I lost my wallet- and it's only 8:30AM   
  He slide his fingers into my pussy, the first time he ever touched a woman. After he finished, and was sliding them out, I intoned in a deep movie voice: "Thank you for joining us on the tour of the female body. I hoped you enjoyed your stay, and will come back soon, to Puck's Vagina." He didn't think it was funny. ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend was fucking his girlfriend in the small brooklyn apt. she shares with another girl, who incidentally is a prostitute.   the prostitute accidentally walks in on them while he is on top of his girl,  in the plain ole missionary position.   without missing a stroke, he looks over his shoulder and casually asks,"Does my ass look fat?"   i love that guy, sometimes.  
  its weird that almost imediatly after every time i masturbate the phone rings.. whats even weirder is that i allways think its one of my neighbors looking out their window and seeing me masturbating infront of my computer    it takes the whole fun out of it  
  So there we were, my mother was looking through my brother's room for drugs. I was standing there watching and she started pulling open dresser drawers. About the third drawer down she finds a bottle of lotion. She says, "What is he doing with my lotion? I have been looking for this! Look, it's almost all gone!" She digs around in the clothes in the drawer and finds a bunch of porn mags. We are both disgusted and she gives up the drug search. We still tease him about it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               if a woman gets mad at her man for something he supposedly did and he has no idea about it is he still wrong was the question in unison the married men avered of course  
  I went for a drive in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with and noticed all the locals' houses looked pretty bad. "Yeah" said my friend. "It's like they're just waiting for someone to learn to spell 'condemned' so they can get the sign up."  
  One time I was on a Vancouver city bus, and I got a really horrible nosebleed. While this is horrible in itself when surrounded by people on all sides, I dropped a blood-soaked kleenex and it bounced off a seated woman's shoulder. She picked it up and handed it back to me. I'm surprised she wasn't horrified.  
  The man is impeccably dressed.  His suit costs more than I make in a month.  His tie is exactly what Esquire told him it should be.  His cufflinks were a present from a Senator's wife who shall remain nameless.  His shoes were made from the hide of an endagered species.  His business cards have holograms on them of the company logo.  He has just stepped in dogshit.  Ha ha ha.  
  I stood up the girl I was suppossed to go with to a formal dance.  That's not really the lowbrow moment though.  The reason why I stood her up was because I was in jail at that moment.  My friend and I decided to commit various crimes on Friday night that got us both arrested and thrown in jail.  Seeing as the dance was on Saturday and I had no way to contact her, I wish shit out of luck.  When I got out of jail on Tuesday and was finally able to check my phone messages, I had a good half a dozen progressively getting more pissed off.    Funniest party of the whole thing? When I called her back, the first thing she said was, "You better have a good fucking reason for this."  My reply? "I was in jail."  She seemed to be pretty understanding about it after that.  
  Sure, the lion from the wizard of oz needed courage, the tin man a "brain", and the scarecrow a heart.   Me?   I would have wanted dorothy's white-trash kansas pussy.  
  Moving back home after college to no-man's land is rough.  I'm wondering if recreational drug use is the answer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I sure hope someone does something to piss me off  real  soon, cuz I'm going to feel like a complete asshole if I felch someone's toothbrush for no reason...  
  if you push things far enough up your nasal cavity, you sneeze.  
  i was called to the scene of a rabid dog. The little girl said he was going crazy and trying to kill her dog.  I run into the back yard ready to shoot it with my .45 and there is this dog with a really big grin on his face fucking another dog.  The girl cried when i feel down laughing.  
  I posted this one way back in my early lowbrow days:  After about fifteen minutes of making madly passionate love, my girl suddenly remembered she'd forgotten to take her tampon out.  Now, is that the lowbrow moment, or is it the fact that I hadn't noticed?  I just now saw that moment for the first time in a while, and realized that there were at least two more lowbrow moments in there (for this to make sense, you need to understand that my then-engaged and now-married lover who shall remain nameless (Hi, Jenny! Don't worry! You were still the best ever!), was not some massive whale, but a very slim and trim young woman): First, she didn't realize either. Second, when she eventually remembered, she asked me to remove the tampon, which I didn't mind doing (I would do  anything  to get willie back inside her wonderful insatiable sweaty body as quickly as possible), so while she lay there with an impatient quizzical smile on her face, I explored and probed as gently as I could (given the blue-ball urgency I felt), but I couldn't find it! She finally got disgusted with me, tried to do it herself ( very weird  to watch), didn't have any more luck than I did, and retired to the bathroom to perform gawdknowswhat for about fifteen minutes (!!!!). The bathroom door eventually opened. She: "I got it!" She laid back down on the bed, opened her legs very wide, smiled almost as widely, and said: "Now, where were we?"  
  Andy and his asian girlfriend, Michelle, who is way cooler than he is, sat across from me talking about Halloween costumes.  I'm not really getting into the fanfare of Halloween this year...it's really just time to have a quiet ceremony at home, but since Andy and Michelle are probably having a party, I asked them what they were going to be.  "Well, I want to be something cute...but asian."  Michelle said.  "You already are.  Go as yourself."  "No, but Andy suggested something..."  "Which was..."  "An asian sweatshop worker."  
  "Yeah, well, you know," he said, jamming the DOOR CLOSE button on the elevator, "he's still my boss and I respect him and all that, but like, I can't laugh at his jokes anymore. It's just all fucked up -- I can't talk to him. But I still have a lot of respect for him."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Ask not, "What would Jesus do?" Instead ask, "Who would Jesus do?"  
  Back in the day my roommate got busted for drunk driving.  I was wondering why he didn't come home and was a little worried.  Then I started watching a bullshit "Real World" marathon on MTV and jerked off during the commericals to his "hidden" stash of porn videos.  Capitalizing on his absence, I went like eight times.  He got back that morning from jail and I was fast asleep.   
  it's 4:30am on sunday morning i'm barfing the last of my 8 tacos(3for99cents) up and before you know it, my head was so clear... "ummm...United States of America" i said, hoping the border agent didnt think i was asking him a question but more of like making a statement.  well whatever, got across.  
  I came home from work to find my roomate playing video games in the next room. He said to me, "Let me tell you about my day...  "I was working the store on Thayer St. today. About noon, I spotted a bum at the table outside the storefront with his head between his legs. There was a can of Guinness on the table and a pool of vomit between his feet. We called the police.   Meanwhile, my supervisor went outside to try and get rid of him. He didn't really want to leave, in fact, he wanted to puke again, which he did.   Eventually, he decided to stand up.   But not to leave, oh no.  To drop his pants.  And then he fell, his pants around his ankles, into the pool of vomit.  Eventually, paramedics showed up, and as they were dragging the man to his feet, he reached for his beer.  Now, you're piss drunk, lying naked in a pool of your own vomit, in broad daylight on a busy street, isn't that a sign you've had enough?"  I smiled sadly. "You know what's funny?" I asked him.  "What?"  "I just sat and waited for the bus at that table."  
  I was watching a commercial today from McDonald's, advertising the yearly comeback of the McRib.  It advertised it as a "thick patty of boneless pork smothered in zesty barbeque sauce" or something like that.  "'Boneless pork'?" I asked myself. Sounds like another name for lesbian sex.  
  My friend was explaining to me about something he had done in hawaii, when out of the middle of nowhere comes: "You know, I took a picture of my shit once, in hawaii, and they didn't develop it!" Oh, damn, what a pity.   
  About the dividers between urinals, I think their purpose may be to give more janitors jobs. Sort of a union type thing. You dont see them everywhere so it must be something a union requires. I always see piss on them and people's phone numbers. I'm assuming it takes more janitors to clean all this.  
  Having been a smoker off and on since the age of 19 and having tried all kinds of remedies and resources to quit said habit, I visited a hypnotherapist.  She tried, oh she tried to make me relax but all I could think about was how great that smoke would be on the way home. Plus, I have trust issues, plus, my new truck was sitting out there in the parking lot... alone. Memories of the theft of my first truck kept interrupting her monotoned verbalization.  I was not hypnotizable.  That smoke in my new truck on the way home from her office was lovely.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Girlfriend and I driving down the road the other day, and her cars dies. We pull to the side and I try to get it started. A police car see's us and parks behind us with his lights on. As he is walking towards us, I am still trying to get the car turned over. He says "Won't start, Huh?"  I said "No." He Says "I can tell. I am real observant that way. Some day I hope to make detective". Boy, he sure was a quick one, huh?  
  All these beeautiful girls and not one of them seems to be having a good time.  High cheekbones and heels perched on high stools, they are all model material. They smoke skinny cigarettes and practice looking nonchalant.    It makes me sad to see such beautiful women so unhappy.  It also remindes me that I am way outta my league in this place.       
  we were hammered.  my gay friend was very emotional, telling us about how she recently came out to her southern baptist parents.  she was explaining the biblical verses against homosexuality.  something like "man shall not lie down with another man".  it was a very serious discussion.   suddenly I said "what if they do it standing up? is that okay?"    no one laughed but me.   
  It is my firm belief that anyone who is inconsiderate enough to walk around on crowded city streets carrying one of those !@#$% mondo 10-seater umbrellas deserves to be violated with their own implement and left to shamefully wallow in a puddle.        
  My dentist is doing some major work on me. He's pumped in plenty of Novocaine, so I'm not in pain, but it's still uncomfortable. He's whacking away with a hammer and chisel, knocking my head back and forward, and I can sometimes feel and hear noises like bones crunching. He: "This is going to take a while, and it can't be too pleasant -- would you like some relaxant?" Ooh -- IV Valium, my favourite! But I have to keep my wits about me today, so I mournfully decline. He: "You seem pretty relaxed, anyway." Me, when I next get a chance: "Go for it -- I'm loose as a goose." He goes back to chiselling, then: "Do you know where that expression comes from?" I shake my head. He: "Have you ever seen a goose defecating?" I think back to my old hippy-dippy days on the farm in Yorkshire. Yup, he's right...  
  Knew this guy, we went home together for the first time. After a night of sex, awoke to find my bloodstained underwear on the floor next to the bed.  Oh shit, realized mother nature had come for her monthly visit.  Lifting the sheet it looked as if a murder had taken place. Looking at my sleeping partner with a crimson stain on his cheeks I  panicked, rushing out of the house without so much as a goodbye.  Weeks later he calls to inquire whether I was dead or alive, he was bitter that I had not allerted him to his embarrassing predicament, and that the next morning it was his roomate that finally pointed out the telltale marks on his face. Bloody business.   
  Sign read at a gas station in Elko NV.    Latter's are for climbing. . .not for falling off of!!  Then it has a picture of some sorry bastard falling off a latter.  I knew people in Nevada were thick headed, but thats just rediculously stupid.  
  Ever sit down to ponder the actual definition of words that have come to be synonymous with "homosexual"? I have.     For instance:    Wouldn't it feel gay to have a flaming fag warm your ass on a cold winter day?    I certainly think so.  
  As we walked past the jazz club I noticed that they had an open mike night and thought to myself "how  scary"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to have long pretty fake nails.  Then I realized I couldn't masturbate quite as efficently with them.  They had to go.  Sometimes I guess you just gotta pick and chose.      
   Hudson River Tales Gets Stinky  It wasn't all plain sailing. There were also the nuclear power plant intake screens, that got cleaned twice a day.* We had to be there, since we were monitoring how many fish the plant was killing. In the winter it wasn't too bad, but in the summer, the fish stuck on the screens rotted in no time. The workers would flush the screens right onto an enormous table, which would be piled high with rotting fish. What did we have to do? Well, count them, of course, but also identify every last one by species. Ever held up a half-eaten, rotting, raw fish tail and try to identify it by species? I think a little "creative taxonomy" went on, though of course I would never do anything like that. That wasn't the worst. The worst was the "mung" that constantly dripped from the pile. A dark brown fluid that looked rank, smelled worse, and if it got on your clothes... Fast-forward a few years, to Boston, and I get into cooking Thai food. I particularly get to like "nam pla" (fish sauce). Then I read an article on how it is made. Yup, it's basically "mung." I still love it...  ----------------- *The Indian Point nuclear power plant gets its cooling water straight from the Hudson, killing millions of fish every year. The outlet water warms up all of Poughkeepsie Bay by about 4&deg;, which causes an ecological explosion of life, sorta making up for it.  
  there is pink lemonaid in the soda fountain at mcdonalds it is (and i quote) 0% juice oh god,what is it made of?!    
  This was in my early drivingdays. I was learning how to drive and was coming home after a successfull lesson with my father. I was turning in on the driveway and was suposed to park but for some reason just went on (this was a big car with an automatic so it didn t stop when you let go of the gas). My father, not cing what was happening (or actually not happening): - Stop...(calm voice) Me fiddeling with the pedals - Stop! (nervous voice) Still fiddeling with the pedals - STOP!!!!! (freightened voice) By this time we where almost entering the garage of my parents house and it was about time to do something so I panicked and stomped my foot down on what I thought was the break...   What happened next was something toally sureal. As I put the "pedal to the medal" the engine made a roar and made the car leap through the doors of the garage. The light of the day turned into dark as the walls of the garage passed by the sidewindow of the car.   Strange enough we never hit the back wall but instead stopped in the middle of the room.   So how did we make it. Well at the same time as we hit the garagedoors my father pulled the handbrake in pure desperation, thereby probably saving both our lives.   The real lowbrow-moment however came after this when the neighbors had to come and saw the remains of the garagedoors so we could get out of the car.  My dad never gave me any punishment or anything for this. Instead he insisted that I drove the car out of the garage after the way was cleared.   Luckily we had insurence wich covered both the garage and the car.   Up to this day I still think of this when I park in front of my parents garage.  
   Its one thing to go swimming with a bunch of drunk girls at 2 am, its another when you are pissing in the corner and one swims up to you and gives you a hug. Priceless moments indeed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         red bull + vodka = fight-in-a-glass.  
  o nash said he i am ee to he replied you re not you lied  ee said nash you are but a rash that itcheth me you fucking dumb assed shithead and go fuck yourself        
   "Idyllic" Means Different Things To Different People  I grew up in an isolated little cottage, deep in the Scottish countryside.  23&frac34; hours of the day, there was pure silence, broken only by birds and  the occasional sheep.  But our cottage sat three feet away from the main Edinburgh/Glasgow train track, so for the other fifteen minutes, the house shook and rattled. We knew better than to put decorative crockery on shelves.  Fast-forward twenty-five years, and I'm shopping for an isolated, quiet rental  in Putnam County, NY. The agent shows me a gorgeous old converted carriage-house that looks very promising. For some reason, she seems in a hell of a hurry to get me to sign.  We hear a rumble, and her face falls. The house shakes, and an express train  roars by on its way to Albany. She closes her folder and reaches for her coat.  I'm standing, transfixed with joy, but at least I'm Scottish enough to keep my  wits about me: &quot;Eh, I can put up with that. if you knock $100 off, I'll take it!&quot;  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So i think pornography ruined my college experience, because durring my senior year of highschool i'd go to visit schools, and i just look around and say to myself "Hey, i don't see any cum-guzzling co-eds anywhere!  What's wrong with this college?"  Now that i'm in college I feel the same way.  I mean, where did the porn industry ever get the idea that college girls are easy?  
  somewhere in this world there is a picture on me taking a huge hit off a bong,  at gunpoint.  
  Time goes by Puffin on lye Hope it gets me high  boy i really need to stop hanging out at Papa Johns so much.  
  I gave a blowjob to a friend at a party a couple weeks ago.  His ex-girlfriend was of the ilk that made guys cum somewhere besides their mouth.   When he came in my mouth, he actually apologized.  As I was standing up, he said I could spit it out now.  I looked at him and said, "I swallowed."  I have never seen a happier man in my life.  
  Wore new black shirt.  Sweated. Sure enough, we have smelly belly button lint.   If I made an online persona named "navel_smegma" would people think of the aquatic branch of the Armed Forces?        
  So, my wife is having this AOL fling.  I am not that mad about the fling because it might actually do her some good.    I am pissed at how obvious it is.  Either she wants to be caught, she is an idiot, she thinks I am an idiot, or some combination of the above.           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I dated a girl in college who proudly refered to herself as my "socially presentable gutterslut." *sigh* How I miss her so.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the cubicle behind me sits a woman who's voice is shrill and evil.  Although I try to concentrate with a Herculean effort, I cannot make her head explode.  
     My friend Mark finally saw the Blair Witch project.  His thoughts:  "You could just tell that movie was made by white folks.   "My friend Elaine took a bunch of kids from the Mission up to the Sierras to go on a day hike and when they got lost they just started setting everything on fire till someone found them."   
  Fecal humor knows no age limit  I was about seven when I hear my twin calling me from upstairs. "You gotta see this. It's the biggest Snoopy I've ever seen." she yells. So I bolt upstairs and run into our room. She's not there. Our older sister's room. She's not there either. "Lee, where are you?" "I'm in the bathroom!" "Look!" she cries joyously while pointing. Whoa... That's a huge turd for a seven year-old.  Poopy. Snoopy. They sounded the same.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm still bitter about my Roadside Auto Parts t-shirt that's been "missing" since my junior year of college. Red, old, thin as hell. I took it from my dad's stash of "working on cars" clothes. It read- Our Parts Are Not Private  
  I go out for a night on the town about once a week.  It's supposed to be relaxation, fun and an all around good time.  Lets say i drink a bottle of tequila.  6 beers.  Puke.  3 more beers.  Pass out for two hours in my best friends bedroom.  Wake up.  Smoke two bowls and two joints.  One more beer. Puke.  Then I start throwing myself at the ladies, kissing, fondling, etc.  Get punched in the head by someone's boyfriend.  Party ends, go home and sleep till noon, wake up.  late for work again.  Get fired.  So now i wonder, Where's the fun?        
  You begin to realize just what it means to "lose perspective" when you find yourself bellowing at your boyfriend at three in the morning about a carpet his mother gave him.  c'mon. get a grip.  
  As a teenager I used to regularly take the bus to my mom's apartment in Alameda, and there was this guy I'd flirt with.  He was clearly a loser - about 30, wanna-be-rock-star with a day job, blazer and jeans and rocker hair.  Plus he was riding the bus, which was a loser thing to do.  But I was bored, there in the suburbs, and he was really pretty hot once you got past the style issues. One day I let him follow me home, and we fucked like animals in my mom's living room.  It was fun - I learned all sorts of new things - but when it was over I just wanted him out.  He feigned romantic intentions, felt bad that he couldn't give me his number because it turns out he was married. I felt sorry for his wife.  
  Have you ever been so pissed off, so sick of everything, that the only word that comes to your mind is "fuck," and you scream it to yourself, over and over, until it loses its linguistic meaning, rendering the word a bizarre-sounding husk of what it once was - but you're still pissed off - so you switch to, say, "shit," and then that too starts sounding weird, so you switch to "goddamnit," and then before long you've ruined the English arsenal of profanity, drained away its very essence, reduced yourself to a obscenity-babbling wreck?  I sure have.  
  My friend and I are talking and he asks me "What was the reason you broke up with your g/f? (since he is dating her now) Since I don't want to break up with her for the same reason as you did".  I answer: " I broke up with her because I never liked her"  Ackward silence...wierd looks....  Both: HAHAHAHAHA.  
  I see my girlfriend standing in line in the cafeteria. I walk up behind her, and wrap my arms around her chest area (one arm under her boobs, one arm across them) and lift her up. When I put her down, she turns around, very startled. I don't recgonized the face.  "Oops. Thought you were someone else."  Then I turn around and walk away like nothing happened.  
  today, my best friend and i were driving home from work, commenting on all the memories we have together.  She changed lanes too quickly and too sharply, the car started twisting out of control.  After 3 spins on the highway, we hit a side rail on my side of the car and spun into the grass another 3 times.  With the emergency brake up and the brake pedal down to the floor, we still didn't stop until we slammed into the barrier rail, the car facing the highway, front first.  The guy behind us pulled over to see if we were okay.  He commented on how lucky we were, not to have flipped and to still be alive in a car that still ran.  All i could think was how people say you're life flashes before you when you think you're going to die.  No, it didn't for me.  All i could think was that this was some dream, and i was scared out of my fucking mind... and i just wanted to wake up.    I must still be dreaming.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I broke her heart because I was young and stupid.    Then I slept with her twin sister.  
  When I lost my virginity... Everyone was watching from a hole in another room.... My best friend told me that at a Denny's. I don't know if I believe him but it sure as hell blew my mind when he told me. Next time I'm at a party I'm checking all the walls.        
  I went to this Texaco one time to ask for directions. There was only one person there, and as I aproached the counter, I could see that he was hammered. I decided to buy a map instead of ask questions. While searching for the right map, he went into the back, and came out about 30 seconds later, now wearing different pants, and an undershirt instead of the Texaco shirt. When I again approached the counter to pay for the map, I realized that he had shit on his pantleg, on his shirt, and in his hand. I gave him $5 for a $2.79 map.   "keep the change" said I on my way to the new can of sani-wipes in my rental car.  
  My X-girlfriend wants me back.  She's really cute, but I can't stand her bitching.  Instead I find amature porn that looks like her and masterbate.  
  my mother carried out 30 years of internecine warfare with my dad. One revelation - she soaked his boxers in bleach and dried them. He had sore inflamed balls for weeks. Still.. what goes around comes around.  Now when she visits us I slip her sleeping pills in her drink so the evil bag will go to bed early and leave us in peace to get it on. Come to think of it I drug my father-in-law too.. But nobody outside of the family, that's our rule.  
  quote days like these i feel like running naked down main street with a burning tire as a necklace endquote        
  i run a factory.  today i told this kid he's gotta fill in for someone who's not here, doing a job nobody wants to do with someone nobody wants to work with.  he said, "i thought you were going to do it..." i said, "nope, i've got more important things to do... like wax my snowboard." he thought i was kidding until i brought it in, with the iron, scraper and wax. it's good to be boss.  
  Gil, co-worker, talking about his male roommates: "And we watch 'Wheel Of Fortune' and bet money on whether Vanna will twirl or not." Kathy & I: "??" Gil: "When she first comes out, most of the time she just walks straight out, but sometimes she does this twirl thing..." Kathy: "Gil, have you ever heard the expression 'get a life?'"  
  I hadn't seen him in three years, but he came into my work - just after I had finished an 11 hour shift. He sat, having dinner with his father. He waved first, so I was obligated to go over and say hello.  I wanted to show him how hot I turned out to be, how insanely interesting, gorgeous, witty, and talented. Years ago he had certainly broken my heart; now I know that I am the type of girl he would only hope to meet. But, as I said, I had just finished an 11 hour shift. My hair was greasy, I smelled like fried food and I was wearing an apron. He made some smart ass coment as he pointed out my pin (flare, whatever)that said, "Got Mucho?"    I accidently knocked his drink in his lap, and told him I was a lousy waitress, anyway.   
  On the train to New Dehli I look out the window to see why we've stopped; people running around speaking gibberish.  Directly across from me I watched a  boy pull himself up the bars of the window in his train.  Pantless he proceded to pee out from between the bars and remained there, holding eye contact until my train slowly pulled away.  
  The graphic artists that had my job before me had a sens of humor when it came to labelling the backup disks. Disc 16 is called Sexteen Disk 18 is called 18 and Legal Disc 9 is called disc 9 in your mouth The the best was the backup file named for a church design that read lord make us blablablabla  
  My dumb-ass neighbor comes home one day with a load of groceries. He opens his trunk and just stares at the lawn through his wraparound sunglasses for a while. He starts mubling something about summer, turns to me and shouts, "Look how green the lawn is!"  Just another lesson: Taking acid is fine, as long as you keep your mouth shut.  
  Like every other non-satanic human in the world, I used to really hate telemarketers and cringed everytime the phone rang.  Then I walked through the aisle where they stocked those hand held disposable air horns...  
  Everyone at the bar was sitting with their elbows resting on the padded edgeof the bar.  It was a luxury, and it was as if the creators had envisionedthe comfort of the drinkers that eventually might use it.  An owners manualwas not necessary.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  do you know that with a good radio scanner you can hear cordless telephone concversations, set it to 900.000 and let it rip,man my neighbors are keeping me from hitting the brow  
  Lowbrow.  Hmm.  Screwing my friends girl, in his mom's room, while he's stoned outfront watching TV.  OR I'm a male slut.  
   While sitting in an English exam bored out of ma titchy brains I decided to write about being bored out of my brains in an English exam. I got a good grade. I wonder if I could write about sitting, bored, in an exam for my Math exam in the summer.        
  Tequila and wrestling DO NOT mix.        
  too bad, you missed the gastrointestinal pyrotechinics.  i was a at 50's themed cocktail party. my 21 year old boyfriend was taking bets to drink weird concotions of condiments and vodka and i knew almost no one there, being all his friends they were. so i was sitting ther, drinking myself into a stupor, and my best friend's 27 exboyfriend fed me drinks all nite.  i got home and my dad was waiting up for me. i said "it was a great party, i'm really tired so i'm going to bed now."  tottered up the stairs in my stiletto heels, stripped off the dress and slip, somehow got out of my stockings.    i was almost asleep/passed out and my stomach gave the heave of doom.    made it to the edge of the bed.  got puke on myself, the bed, the wall, the floor. had to throw away three posters that were ruined.  then i went downstairs and threw up some more and fell asleep in a vomity fetal position on the floor in front of the toilet.    my mom said "must have been that pizza, it was really greasy this time."   whoa. dodged a big one there.   now what is more lowbrow. the 27 year old feeding a 17 year old girl drinks?   or that fact that my boyfriend snorted chili powder like cocaine for 5 bucks??  
  "It's just an ass." "Are you insane? It's a work of art!" "No, it's just an ass." "To call that "Just an ass" is like saying "Led Zeppelin was just a band." Are you trying to tell me that Led Zeppelin was JUST a band?" "Yeah." "You've gone mental."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         went to the house of a friend's girlfriend. another bud and i kept trying to get him to leave. he was driving. they finally snuck off to her room and proceed to do the nasty. we're pissed. no pussy for us and we want to get to town. while they are banging away we dig out a couple of towels from the linen closet, unfold them, shit on them, fold them neatly back up and replace them in the stack of clean towels.   wonder who found them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went on a blind date with a woman who had been born without a right hand, so she had a hook there instead.  I didn't mind -- she was a neat lady, and we had a fun date.  But I still think something like that should have been mentioned before we met...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote days like these i feel like running naked down main street with a burning tire as a necklace endquote        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yeah so i'm at work and these two girls are asking why base and crack is bad. i said "don't smoke that shit" their response?  "it's not as bad as everything else we do" i said i wouldn't ask.  
  I invite you all now to go to Google and click the 'Directory' button. Good. Now search for 'adult movie trailer' . The first thing that pops up is 'The Amazing Midget Trapeze Gangbang'. I am not making this up.  THAT, my friends, is lowbrow.  
  I went into my safety deposit box this morning to pick up some important paperwork. In the box I discovered a tooth; a fully mature molar with two long roots.  It's not my tooth. And no one else has access to this box but me. Where the hell did it come from?  Feels like creepy voodoo magic to me...  
  Coach Randall, who taught Science, told us that smells were made up of microscopic particles of the thing we were smelling entering our bodies through our noses.    A few moments later Bateman, a fat kid that nobody liked, bit his lip, leaned forward, and discharged a loud and prolonged staccato burst of wet flatulence.    
  While passing through the ghetto, stopped at a liquor store.  Remembered that it was the ghetto when I found myself in a 5-by-5-foot enclosure with the attendant and ALL the alcohol behind glass walls.  A handwritten sign on the glass:    "NOTE:  Cashier will NOT accept bills with blood on them!"  The cashier assured me that it happened all the time....   
  so i've been traveling around europe with my girlfriend of 2 years at the time and we make it to amsterdam.  we finally find our hotel after getting lost in the city of sin in august (amsterdam can get very hot!).  so we end up with this cool room on the 4th floor of this great old building.  all the buildings on our road are the same.  Nice, big, old.  The room has a bed, a small bathroom and a huge window that has a view of the houses across the street.  everyone has these big windows and you can see right in their places.  so anyway, us being 19, we break in the bed pretty soon and while we're going at it i hear this whistling but you know, being in the act and all i don't break my stride (as it were).  well the whistling continues.  and it's that whistling that you hear construction workers make at hot chicks.  that wheeep-woooo kinda whistle.  so the sex is getting great and i've completely forgotten about the whistling.  she's come. i'm about to.  i do and then i notice the whistling again.  i look out the window, which we'd left open, and which looks out directly onto our bed and there is a woman standing on the balcony across the street whistling at us and smiling.  at this point, i've just pulled out, i'm kneeling on the bed, condom still on, completly naked, twisting around to just even see out the windon.  she smiles from across the way.  all i can think to do is smile back, wave and close the window. i'm completly amused by this and, laughing, i tell my girlfriend while kissing her.  she gets stiff all over the flips the fuck out about feeling violated and all the rest of it.  i say, whatever, everyone loves and good show, might as well be me giving it. needless to say, all the rest of the sex happened with the windows firmly closed and we never did see our 1 woman audience again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "tim, why aren't you smiling?" my math teacher interrupted the lesson to bring me back to earth from my little zone of pure thought.  why aren't i smiling, i asked myself... what is there to smile about? on a personal level, my wretched school is preventing me from having a girlfriend, a car, and a steady income. not to mention a good night's sleep. in a national level, america is going to shit due to the indifference of the mtv generation. while people starve to death on our streets, they watch the latest music video with the skankies women and the flashiest lights, burning up their money on designer drugs, clothes, and food. too much food. while people starve on our own fuck streets. what else is there to smile about? the millions of more people starving across the sea? the world on the brink of nuclear war? the thousands getting killed by america, the great peace-keeper, daily? why the fuck should i be smiling? what is there to smile about? that's what i though. i responded: "the tacos at lunch today aren't agreeing with me"  
  After we used my only condom, I tried to squeeze it dry with one hand while distracting her with the other.  
  My Grandmother is stalking us. It was my Mother's birthday. My Brother and I met my parents at a restaurant for a late lunch/early dinner. We relate to my parents that Grandma had phoned, at 9:00am.  Parents roll eyes. We didn't answer it because we had been out the night before and didn't get home until 4:30am. We finish our meal and we head home. As we are turning in, we see Grandma driving away from our house. She sees us, we see her. But she just drives away. She was checking on us, to see if we were home and just ignoring her (I think we've done that before). Suddenly it becomes very clear to me that my Grandmother is stalking us.  
  I went on a school camp once.I didn't bring enough underwear, so I wore the same pair most of the time I was there. By the end of the camp they were pretty disgusting - smelly and crusty. On the last night, I realised that if I brought the underwear home, my mother would see it, and we'd have a pretty embarrassing conversation. So I left it in the middle of our bunkroom. The next day, everyone was wondering whose it was, but I don't think they realised it was mine.  
  I was 17 and having a fling with a 32 year old who I came into contact with at work. He was divorced with two kids.   We were at his house in his room having sex when one of the kids knocks on the door and says, "we know what you're doing in there!"  
  My roommate had a boyfriend that is still in high school.  I felt sorry for this poor little shit.  He couldnt do anything himself.  His mother wouldnt let him look at SI-swimsuit edition cuz she considered it pornographic and his girlfriend, my roommate, had to know every little aspect of his life.  Well one day I was bored and decided to listen to one of their conversations.  "Why didnt you call me last night?  I tried 17 times and everytime no one answered?  Where were you, young man?" (she really called him that) "If you really must know, you nosy little bitch, I was out fucking Joe.  Im gay and I have been trying to think of a way to tell you for the last 4 months."  Well I busted out laughing and they both heard it.  I kept laughing and didnt even bother to hang up the phone.  I am an asshole and she has a gay boyfriend, life is good.  
  Getting ready to go at it one more time before I leave, my girl starts giving me head. Things are going great, when all of a sudden, I hear "Fur Elise", which can mean only one thing.  Next thing I know, she's chatting it up with her roommate about a variety of topics, myself included, for twenty minutes. In an attempt to get her attention, I pour the nearby bottle of water all down her ass, with no response.  I grabbed my clothes and went downstairs. I was no longer a part of her world.  
  i think that those who feel it is justifiable to bring the entire political system to bear so that they can pay less for gasoline in their monster big block v8 suvs should be bitchslapped in public no better on tv in place of those who wants to be a millionaire programs i would at least watch that cant bitch about gas if your frekking guzzlin it down just so you dont hafta get your fat ass of the couch to go around the corner  i make enough money i should be able able to buy as much gas as i want ok then dont bitch about it when the price goes up jese that shit bites my ass         
  13 years old  tripped for the very first time on LSD with two friends  shared an entire bottle of chewable acerola vitamin C  smoked an entire coffee can full of dirt weed  went to breakfast with my grandparents the next morning and watched the beans and rice crawl out of the bowl and march across the table  "No Grandma, I'm just feeling a little sick..."  
        I once spotted James Brown buying a Cadillac. I resisted the urge to shout "Papa got a brand-new CAR!" at him, however.  
  Like I just said: Friday night, and the place is crazy with girlflesh and young, stupid guys.  I sit at the bar with my feet on the next stool. I take in the crazy atmosphere, drink my beer, smoke my clove cigarette. Could not be happier. Well, 'cept for maybe one more thing... But here it comes, on cue! Cutie leans across my legs, trying to get the barmaid's attention. It's too loud, and she's too quiet. Me: "I really don't want to move my legs, because I'm very comfortable, but could I get the barmaid's attention for you?" She smiles thankfully. Keeps leaning across me, good. Me: " Yo! Barkeep! " I point to my new friend. She gets served in a New York minute. She's impressed with my command of the English language, or the American language, or just my command. We talk for a while, with her still leaning her little titties across my legs. She doesn't seem to mind that I'm an old fart, so this starts to look interesting. Suddenly, over the top of her head, Brandi catches my eye from the other end of the bar. She smiles and winks. Brandi, simply, is one of the most amazing creatures to ever walk this planet without ever wearing panties. She's also even a better flirt than I am, and  lots  of fun to be with. She also just got married, to a good friend of mine, who loves me flirting with her. Neat guy, and very secure. My young cutie smiles up and asks me my name. Very promising when they do that. I take my feet off the stool, pick her up (she squeals with delight, which is a  very  good sign), and place her gently in it. She flushes and giggles. I'm made. The fat lady is singing... Me: "Excuse me, but some friends of mine just arrived." I leave, and walk over to Brandi. She holds up a warning finger, playfully tosses her head to indicate her beaming husband, then wraps herself around me tight and proves, once again, that she never wears panties. I'm in girlflesh heaven, and does she ever know it. She kisses me on the cheek and goes back to her happy husband. Eh, 'Browers -- what is wrong with this picture? If anyone can figure out why I haven't actually got laid in three years, could they e-mail me?  
  When arguing over how good looking some customer was in the store we work in, my buddy matt replies: "I'd let her take a dump on my face"  She was just that good looking.  
  Adventures at the video store: My friend worked at the local video store, till goddamn Blockbuster showed up. Since it was only him working, the place was pretty small, I'd show up and hang out some times. I'd usally bring a few acoustic guitars and we'd play while he wasn't busy. People never really seemed to mind, some even commented on our talent, until that one day... The older woman, looked really worn out, bursts in with buckets of screaming children. Their all crying and just being plan retarded, and starting trashing the place. Not caring we keep playing. Ignoring the havoc her retards are causing she walks to the counter, leans over and asks "Don't you think you should be working, not smoking weed and rocking out?" She then turns, smacks one of her kids right in the face, and walks out of the store. She never even looked at any videos. What the fuck?  
  Me to her: We should get the car detailed, I don't wanna scrape the snot off the bottom of the seat.  Her to me: I scraped half of it off by accident today...  
   While I was online in a chatroom..this guy wanted to have cybersex...So i went along..ooh and aahing..oh baby this and that...When at the end he was thanks for the ride Blah blah blah..I told him I was a man pretending to be female..The next day his screen name was closed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was refilling one of those mechanical pencils and dropped one of those sticks into the dog's water dish..I guess he must have moved it across the floor. My mom screamed "He'll get lead poisoning!" I looked at her and said that they hadn't used lead in pencils in decades, and that it was graphite. She didn't miss a beat "Then he'll get graphite poisoning!" sigh...mom....   
  Elvis Presely was a pimp for Marilyn Manson.   That was a Factiod people.        
  No matter how quickly, no matter how sly you think you just were...when you take that quick glance at a woman's tits, she always sees you do it. Which is fine by me.  Damn...I don't dress like a whore so you'll stare at my hands.  
     I look down the dress of every woman I meet.     
  Our server is down at work. Or something. I can't get to the webpages I need to in order to do my job. I can't get to my hotmail account (which, if you knew my job, you'd know how mandatory that was), I can't get any news pages, or any other place I generally waste my time when I forget to bring a book to work.   It does, however, bring up LowBrow.  Go figure.   
  We couldn't wait till after the porn shop, so we fucked in the parking lot.  This particular porn shop has two bar/clubs within very close proximity,  So we ended up inadvertently putting on somewhat of a show for the people coming out of the clubs.  Goddam, sex with her is great and adventurous.  
  I can't believe my friend emailed me a quicktime movie of that hot chick getting it hard from behind by a dalmation on a baby blanket in the living room.  Now every time I see a hot chick I wonder if she's doing the family dog in her spare time.  While no one is doing me.          
  I read a lowbrow about how working in retail had given a person a bad impression of people.   Has anybody ever worked at a supermarket where customer service is stressed?  Hi, how are you today?   Oh me, I'm doing great thanks.    Oh, you want paper? Sure thing.  Three bags of 40 pound water softener salt? The yellow ones? Of course I can get that for you.     Would you like Drive-up today?  Ok, here's  your number.   Thank you, you have a great day now.   I walk out so that I can put three bags and some salt into some lazy bitch's car when shes got 3 other lazy bitches with her.    All I can think is, God, I hate people.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I worked at Pizza Hut. 2 dykes walk in with their little adopted daugheter. The daughter says she wants a sausage pizza, quickly her dyke mother turns to her and yells "No, you dont like sausage!"  
  I used to fish with my buddy's dad.  He was incredibly hardcore.  Once while driving, the gas line in his truck clogged.  He sucked the gas out of the intake hose with his mouth like it was bottled water and spit it on the pavement.  Back in the car he put a cigarette in his nose and lit it.  I braced for an explosion that never came.  Ashes dusted his chest as he smoked for 85 miles -- lit Lucky Strikes hanging from his nostril.  One hand on the wheel, the other on a bottomless cup of coffee.  I could not sleep that night.  
  When I look back at all the times that day I asked her to pull the car over, i wonder why she didn't just hit the brakes and do so.    I was ready to end the conversation, she was ready to end the relationship.   So I asked again, but with a urgent tone to my voice, like I saw a wallet, or had to puke, and it afforded me nothing more than sidelong glance seasoned with pure annoyance, lightly contrasted by the cloying taste of poorly feigned concern.   Egged on and more frustrated than ever, I began to kick at the dashboard and, in doing so, I spilled my grape juice from my "spill-free" cup all over myself, her purse, the car seat, and most importantly, the Super Grover doll perched in my lap.   Super Grover was soaked, and helpless. Stunned, I tried to collect my thoughts enough to grasp the damage I had done to our trust, his tufty blue fur, my pal. I'm sorry, Super Grover. Sullen and stunned into silence, I was an easy man to order around as we pulled into our destination. The 'Helpers' came, collected me, and said a few parting words of reassurance to her, and she was gone.   Gone with her was my last vestige of optimism that day.   No longer could I be harbored, safe, from the cruelties that pervaded Ohio, Washington, or even so called "Late-Night" television shows.   It was all different. I was a man, alone, entering - never to return again - protective custody.   Me and my wet, grudge-holding little pal. Take care, SG.   Keep it on the real. Yes, my friend - kizzinneep it on the rizzinneal.  
  We got lost in the mega-mall parking lot, and after getting on the wrong ramp that led to the wrong highway, she threw it in reverse and backed up clear back to the entry to the parking lot. The guy trying to leave as we pulled up the wrong side finally gave up the hand gestures and reversed to let us pass. As an excuse of sorts, we both put on our sunglasses and began to weave back and forth in out seats like Stevie Wonder.  Makes me think he'd taken it better if we hadn't seen him park farther down and help his blind granny out of the back seat.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I really need to bring in another bottle of spring water from home.  I keep refilling this one and the inside of it is a little cloudy, indicating the buildup of old saliva.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  When I was five, my older brother accidently broke our teacup poodle's neck by spanking it off of the couch.  The next day, the entire family rushed to the pound and replaced it with a used wiener dog.  I was so happy. I played with our new dog for hours, until it crawled underneath the coffee table totally exhausted.   Like a midget army soldier, I crawed in after him and began to smile at him directly in the face.   Apparently, the little wiener didn't like that too much and quickly began to use my nose as a chew toy. I screamed so loud, our dog had a heart attack and died later that evening. I don't even think we had time to name him.  2 dogs in 2 days. I just love dogs.         
  Went into the bathroom at 164 pounds. Left at 158 pounds. You do the math.  
  I found meatless corn dogs at the health food store, right next to the ice cream.  I don't think the two have very much in common, really.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once I pulled a four inch long pubic  hair out of my nose. It came from the  liquor store cashier I orally  pleasured the night before.  
  Last week two vagrants on the bus, waiting at a veeerrrry long red light   Vagrant #1:  I am trying to enjoy the ride, but we're not going anywhere.  Vagrant #2:  Kind of sounds like my life.   Genius.  
   waiting to hear her angry steps come up the stairs wondering where the hell he was gonna hide this time he hangs up the phone cutting off my advice to him jump out the window i tried to tell him thirdfloor or not  he probably would have       
    Seeing how most everyone elses dreams had fallen to dust over the years, we had theorized Tera-Lee Pollin was probably a herione addicted stripper by now.    Nope, apparently she's in Fame the musical, though I don't know whether thats actually a better situation.        
  In South Dakota, their are bill boards for like a hundred miles advertising 'the corn palace.' hundreds of billboards "WORLD-FAMOUS CORN PALACE' with pictures of this elaborate building made of corn. It's only 1/2 an hour out of our way as we are driving thru. We finally find it after an hour of cruising thru cornfields to find this tiny little town in bumfuck, south dakota. we pull up to friggin BRICK building with corn husks stapled to the sides.  My buddy ben jumps out of the car as we pull up and screams   "HARD PORE CORN!!!!!"    
  I'm lying on my stomach, pants partially down, in a hospital bed.  A group of med. students and one doctor are hovering over me, commenting on the huge abcess that's grown right on my buttcrack.    I hear:  "Notice its unusually large size.."  "Oh, interesting..."  "Most unusual..."  In a drowzy, morphine induced state, I decide that they're done leering at my ass, so I start to roll over... forgetting that my pants are still pulled down.  It took me a minute to figure out why they all scattered like that.  
  I'll never understand smokers.  Sorry, cocksuckers, but I never will.  I'll never understand the old ladies I work with who spend the precious few moments they have on break to take three puffs of a Virginia Slim before pitching it.  I'l never understand the obscene looking butt disposal can outside the back door of the office.  It looks like a parking meter the a really large base.  But what boggles my mind most of all is the two junior high boys who steal the used butts out of the butt can.  They root through them and pick out the ones that don't have lipstick on them.  I wonder if they know I routinely pour bleach into the bottom of that can?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was spinning around in out computer chair, on the phone. I fell off the chair and hit my head on the trashcan underneath our desk. Then later on (after a trip to Wal-Mart) I realized there was this big red line,indentation on my forehead, and I thought people were looking at my new haircut.  
  My friend Jolene is studying abroad in France.  Whilst walking in a park near her dorm, a local decided to follow her around while jerking off and (of all things) smoking a cigarette.  The cigarette-smoking, sheik male persona may be overshadowed by the uncontrollable urge to whack off while following college girls around, but you have to respect the effort.    
  For our first wedding anniversary, my wife and I take the top tier of our wedding cake out of the freezer and carefully defrost it. We sit, looking at it. We remember how awful it was a year ago, and it can't be much better by now. We go out to dinner, and carefully place the cake on the hood of a Cadillac, complete with its little bride 'n groom plastic figures. We laugh all the way to the restaurant...  
  I picked a 'hat trick' booger today. It was green, had a speck of blood in it, AND a hair stuck in it. Damn tasty, too..   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Only the truly beautiful can indulge in casual sex.  Myself and the vast majority find that being too casual inevitably results in no sex.  
  ...Waking up early one morning, the day after a hard night filled with wine, misunderstandings and very loud music. The first thing i see (quite blurred, but nonetheless...), is my roomates long, semi-hard dick dancing across the bedroom accompanied by the ironic laughter of his one-night-stand.  It pretty much went downhill from there.  I seriously consider moving my bed into the kitchen now...  
  for those of you who are unclear  Recycle. Reduce. Reuse.  does NOT apply to condoms  
  in the lost days of doing many drugs that kept us up, and up, and up for days, we were constantly looking for creative solutions to the incessant insomnia problem. downers were hard to come by. acid, speed, coke, no problem. you see the dilemma.  the answer...nyquil tonics and weed.  i tell you all this with the faith that you will use the knowledge wisely.    
  A buddy comes back to town after being overseas for 5 months and needs a place to stay. I offered up my livingroom without hesitation.   Everything was fine until one morning when the door to the livingroom was open. I poked my head in to say hello, only to find him on the floor, humping the pillows from the couch. I stood there, dumbfounded, sure it was a joke until he spotted me and quickly stopped and covered himself up.  I still have that couch.  
  My sister's 13 year old friend just called to ask me questions about the male genitalia.  Who knew the older sister role entailed all of this? "Hi, is E there?" "Nope, do you want me to have her call you back?" "Not really.  Could I just talk to you?" "I guess so.... What do you want?" "Are erections sexual?" "Yes...." "So if Justin got one when he gave me a hug, does that mean he likes me?" "Go as your mom, C" (click)   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I used to get high a lot, I mean a lot. I have made excellent bongs and pipes out of everything from car bumpers to toothbrushes. And yet somehow I feel empty.   HONCHO    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have always hated and feared  monkies and clowns.  
  I visited my ex seven months post-strife.  We sat in a coffee shop in Seattle, next to a steel wall.  Together we used almost every available strip of magnetic poetry to compose the following:  he said look away take me for big ugly love ride today, tomorrow make it hurts there please no don't stop let's ask for the toilet scrub show them I am your maid you mouth comes behind the cat see why she needs to feed on everybody do you think I'm hungry because you'll give chocolate soy milk kiss we want party not dinner holy cow !!! wild time yes   ...Then I told him I fucked Ian while we were still dating.  
  Never underestimate the power of maxi pads.  I think most guys have a phobia of them.  If a guy pisses one of us gals off..we just stick a maxi pad on there truck...hahaha..I love being a woman.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so at work, our bathroom is locked.  this is so that random people don't go in, shit all over everything, and make us have to clean it up. the only difference now is that they have to ask for the key, so they can shit all over everything, and make us have to clean it up.  anywho, i digress.  our particular bathroom key is attached to a big orange wooden stick, on which the words "rod of fury" are inscribed. it's quite a hand weapon against maniacal pre-teens with screwdrivers.  well, this one day, we found the backup rod. an identical orange stick, sans "rod of fury" but.... this one had a chain.  ...within minutes we had nunchucks.  in case you're attacked by marauding ninjas on the way to the bathroom. hey, it's a fucking jungle out there, man.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Brushing burnt hair out of my head with my left hand while slowly flexing and stretching the burned skin on my right.  Don't play with blackpowder.          
  [    construction management a blue collar job  ]  i woke with a start.  but it wasn't really a start as i was dreary and slow moving.  something was fucked but it took a while to register.  i realised that i was face down on top of my bed with those nasty lines on my face from the long unmoving duration i spent with my face pressed into my bedspread.  i also noted that i was only wearing a towel, wrapped and tucked around my waist.  it was moist.  closer inspection revealed that only the front side was moist and the unmistakeable stench of urine announced my misdeed upon unwrapping the towel from myself.    i stood in my bedroom naked, having realised that i'd pissed in my sleep, while facedown on my bed wearing a towel as a skirt. shame wafted over me like a gentle warm summer breeze, but only for a brief moment, as heavy confusion soon penetrated my skull.    why was my bosses company trunk parked on my front lawn?    as i prepared myself for work, for the first time to drive over to my bosses house rather than walking, i learn from one roommate or another that i arrived home at 6:30, showered and never reappeared from my room.  the rest slowly became clear, in that hazy patched together way, as my boss drove the rest of the way from his house to work.  i guess he and i had quite an argument over the hood of his pickup in the parking lot of the bar which amounted to:  boss:  'you have to drive home tonight, I'm too drunk'  me:  'i can't drive home, i too drunk too'  boss:  'i always drive home drunk, tonight its your turn'  me:  [cower]    issue:  did i piss myself or did i piss my bed?  comfort:  i now have a white collar job   
  I can't believe someone hasn't invented a fuckin' teleporter yet.  When this day is here, we will all rejoice.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         With the lights out, it's less dangerous, here we are now, entertain us? Nah, screw entertainment, I'm gonna go get drunk.  
     As I entered El Farolito i could hear the swinging mexican music blaring over the sizzle of organ meats and hum of conversation.  The song quickly changed to Hotel California, and I laughed over the easily recognized opening bars.  The irony of this on such a cold rainy night.  The haven of burritos!    While creeping along in line, closer to my culinary destination, i heard clips of conversation pierce through Don Henley and mates.  :...she was giving him head..." said the high pitched voice.   -"my roommate Paul.."  -"On a dark desert highway..."  -"..she had it in her mouth...and then her mouth was full"   The policemen at the next table were unfazed.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  i saw the most disturbing thing the other night  in the "pita pit"...on the wall there is a mural painted  on side of teh wall. there are wided eyed veggies hugging and smiling all happy. ok thats fine.  on the other side...there is a chicken and a turkey...hugging and holding hands with...(drumroll) a PORK CHOP and a STEAK...  all complete with wide googly cartoon eyes.  scary  the turkey pita was to die for..however        
  I talk about my boots.  I talk about them a lot.  Big blakc monsters that crush anything.  The real reason isn't that they're expensive, I could buy another for $40.  They aren't good looking, the way  I wear them they look like dress shoes.  It's the feeling you get when kicking someone's teeth out and don't feel anything but a smooth crack on the tip of your feel.  It's like my second girlfriend who contiunuosly fucks my feet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I used to get so bored at my old job I would blow half the guys in the  maintennance dep't while at work. I only did the guys who pretended to show interest in me, when all they really wanted were my tits. I'd smile and invite one to follow me into a storage closet or the men's room. I'd make a big show out of kneeling down, whipping off my shirt, undoing my bra, and dripping a little oil (I always carried lubricant and a tissue packet) between my breasts. They'd sit on the toilet, whip it out, and stick it between my tits, which I'd squeeze together with my hands and go up and down. They came quick. We'd both clean ourselves up fast, and walk back out trying to control our trembling. I figured if we got busted on the way out, I'd say we were having a private conversation! But since I don't look like the type and was always careful, I never got caught.  Once was enough for most of them. I should mention I didn't really like any of these guys, and found out one of the easiest ways to get rid of a guy is to say "let's get this over with" early. If you're half willing at all, that is. And believe me, you had to be stoned to do what I did all day, and I don't do drugs. Eventually I stopped because (this is funny) I got so good at getting away with it that it got old. I don't do that anymore; haven't for years. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise. Recently I ran into one of the guys. He's a local scenemaker and remembers me very well. This, after I thought I'd put it all behind me. Was I ever...           
  My friends say I'm a drug pusher, even though I've never made any money off the stuff.  Can I help it if I enjoy the responsible use of controlled substances, and that I feel that my friends should share the joy too?  At last count, I'm responsible for 5 potheads, a couple e-tards, and more underage drinking than I can remember.  
  Reading about the "Great White" incident on CNN.com where their pyrotechnics set the club on fire and burned it to the ground resulting in 96 deaths of burn victims. The Nelly song "Hot in Herre" comes on Netscape Radio.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Same petstore. Still 15. Still hate hampsters. Tape some fishnets to broomsticks and what have you got? Hampster Lacrosse!! Furry little bodies flying through the air after store's close, while the managers count down the till. Little fuckers make the greatest noise when you score.   
  One time I was helping my girlfriend move out of her house, and of course we had to go at it one last time...  Lets just say, always check the floor for screws before you screw.  Ouch.  
  ...I was taking her home and when I pulled into her driveway, I stopped and leaned over to hug her.  We held each other for a few minutes then she suddenly pulled away, and before I could ask her why, our lips met for the first time.  I melted right there in my seat.  I was so caught up in the moment that my foot came off the brake of my car, and we almost rolled into her parents car in the driveway.....  The whole way home I kept thinking, "Way to go, slick.  Put it in park next time, dumbass."            
  I was fifteen the summer of my Freshman year in high school.  For vacation every year, my family almost always winds up at the beach.  When I was younger, it was Chincoteague, Vurginia, but since has switched to Ocean City, in my home state on New Jersey.  Anyway, I was permitted to invite a friend along, so I took my best friend Erin with me.  Maybe the fourth day we were there, her and I were on the boardwalk, and I bought her a pack of candy cigarettes as a joke.  I don't smoke, but she does.  However, I had bought a lighter earlier that evening to light my incense.  Erin thought it would be funny if we tried to light a candy cigarette...  So there I am, this candy cigarette in my mouth, the wind blowing 60 miles per hour, trying vainly to light this thing.  When what do I hear, but...  "And what do you think you're doing, young lady?"  It was my Mum.  I explained to her what really was going on, and Erin vouched for me.  Mother mad me empty the contents of my purse onto the sidewalk anyway.  And by the way-candy cigarettes do not light.  You can set them on fire, but they will not burn, and they taste like shit anyway after you do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "SO whatcha gonna do? Huh?" says Scott's Ex-girlfriend, trying hard as hell to not spill her shitty cheap ass beer while she plopped her ass on the rail of the bridge.  5 minutes of verbal vomit had just escaped her hole. From "I fucked your brother too..." to "You are such a boring asshole..." viciously raped my buddy's ears. The guy who taught me to handle my alcohol. The guy who 7 months prior was pulled out of the Naval Academy because his brother shot their mother for drug money. A guy who's wife left him 4 months ago and wasn't even merciful enough to leave his dog behind. A guy who I personally witnessed break a bouncer's jaw with his left hand...while he was being pulled away from the bar. The only friend I have ever had that could convince me to drink cooking Sheery mixed with Orange Coolie and attempt to burn down the same biker bar we were thrown out of hours before. My friend, Scott. 6'4", 230 lbs was standing just inches now from this bitch. I knew what he was capable of and began to dread my future....  "So whatcha gonna do, asshole?"   Scott turned to me and smiled, spit out his Copenhagen, smiked again and turned back to the bitch.  Calmly, he leaned in to within an inch of her face and said, "I'm gonna laugh." With that she tried to push him away but instead went heals over head over the bridge railing and fell 20 feet down into the Raisin river.  November in Michigan is a bitch.  
  i don't know what's more pathetic.  that i think my ex is trying to make me jealous by flirting w/ some one in an RPG chatroom.  or that if she is, it's working.  
  An eldery woman (over 90) who lived on my floor passed away recently. She lived by herself, no nearby family, and the police were called only after another resident of the building hadn't seen her for a couple of days. They keep the heat on really high in our building and tenants have no control over it. I'm horrified by my own thoughts of these two officers discovering a shrunken little wisp of beef-jerkied old lady because her corpse cured in that hot apartment all weekend.  
  scratching the good ol' nutsack accidentally smelling my hand a minute later deducing that it has been two days and about eight sexings since my last shower damn, good weekend  
  The biggest slam-pig in all of CP and she had to sleep in my car cause for the ump-teenth time, she again had no where else.  I was stuck there with her in the Denny's parking lot cause after beating a mutual friend with his shoes, I lost my keys in the grass.  The light of day was so far away.  She needs sex at least once a week, and with her, it's best if it's just a fuck with no strings.  Names don't matter to her.  She wanted to have me that night, in all of her disease ridden glory.  I, not having gotten laid in... (well, who's counting?) resisted as best I could.  A blow job would have made me happy, but no matter how horny I was, the sight of her sickened me.  She started off slowly, trying to intice me.  At one point, her bloated body was completely exposed and I was shuddering in the front seat.  Still no sexual reaction from me, she took it a step further.  The exact conversation eludes me, chances are, blocked from my memory for my own good.  At first I just heard some noises, when I got curious (oh why this thirst for knowledge?) I learned she was masturbating in the back seat of my car.  No, not my car, my grand mother's car who I was using that evening.  Then the smell came, the worst possible smelling pussy one could imagine.  The things that have been in there are unfathomable.  I was sickened to almost dry heaves which I attempted to stiffle.  The sun was coming up, but no just quite.  She finished, I think convinced that I didn't want to touch her.  Oh glorious morning, shed your light on my keys.  I drove her to her house and we havn't spoken since.  It's sad to think that she has a second kid on the way.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             - beatgrrrl@chickmail.com   If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.   - thedeadsexy@hotmail.com>>  Vice is nice, but incest is best: Put your sister (or other appropriate relative) to the test.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote when faced with inevitable choice of paintthinner or beating i ll take the beating everytime gives me an undeniable justification for kicking someones fucking ass at a later date when no ones expecting it endquote        
     As I entered El Farolito i could hear the swinging mexican music blaring over the sizzle of organ meats and hum of conversation.  The song quickly changed to Hotel California, and I laughed over the easily recognized opening bars.  The irony of this on such a cold rainy night.  The haven of burritos!    While creeping along in line, closer to my culinary destination, i heard clips of conversation pierce through Don Henley and mates.  :...she was giving him head..." said the high pitched voice.   -"my roommate Paul.."  -"On a dark desert highway..."  -"..she had it in her mouth...and then her mouth was full"   The policemen at the next table were unfazed.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I live in a dorm, and I've started to brush my teeth in the shower to save time in the mornings.  Two days ago, I dropped my toothbrush in the shower, in the part where all the dirty water runs to the drain. The shower's grody enough that I wear shower shoes, afraid to have foot-to-ground contact because of all the nasty fungi hanging around.... I picked my toothbrush back up and used it.  
  Spanking it in the shower while your old lady takes a dump. I hope she didn't see me.......  
  The other day I walked in after work, and was greeted at the door by my 1 year old daughter. "Daddy!" she exclaimed. Happy to see her to, I picked her up and gave her a hug. That's about the time I noticed that she reeked. Being the good father I am, I went in and changed her diaper. One the way, my wife called from the kitchen, "Dinner time, hon!" I continued on my mission, and was successful.  After changing her very full diaper, I washed my hands, and went to go have dinner. Sitting at the table, just about to eat my sloppy joe, I noticed a funky smell. Undaunted, I took a huge bite of sandwich. That's when I noticed a smudge on crap on the heel of my hand.  Those buns totally fall apart once you've lifted them, so I had to finish the sandwich. I just avoided getting that hand close to my face.   
  He was wearing black knee-high boots, shorts that hit below the knee, a camp shirt and a grey tee under that.  Short blonde hair, round glasses, round face.  He was way too into foreign films.  So why was the instructor saying 'Yes, ma'am,' whenever he raised his hand to speak?  Because his name is Laura, and looks can be way too decieving for me to handle sometimes.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         imagine the look on the check out person's face when we, two tall long hair and leather bruiser looking guys with smiles on our faces placed our basket of stuff on the counter.  the contents: a selection of cheap drug store xmas ornaments and two large bottles of lube.  
        everyone who writes these things is such a loser; shit, i guess i'm a loser...  
  Went to a metal show at the Brass Mug in Tampa one time...  Had myself four Foster's Oil cans, a couple of shots, and most of a pitcher of piss Budweiser...  After we got kicked out of there at 3am, we decided to head down the road to a our friend's practice space and party some more...  After another six-pack, I ended up asleep in the parking lot, with my friend's Camaro on one side and a puddle of puke on the other...  
  metrosexual...  Nuff said  
  In my junior year of college, a bunch of people from a club i was in went out to a chinese restaurant. I ended up sitting across from this vapid little freshman girl.  "You've got some glitter on your face," i said, assuming that she had been working on some kind of construction-paper-and-macaroni project earlier in the day.  "I know," she replied.  So i said, "How'd that happen?"  She was mortified and everyone else started laughing. How was i supposed to know she considered it a form of makeup?  
  An incredibly hot girl was pushed up against me the entire elevator ride up. I had a raging hardon and was thinking that it would be great jackoff material. Then I remembered that where I was - I was in the Holocaust Museum. And I have felt like shit ever since then. It was two years ago.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm just gonna stand over there because I think sorry_e_e has already said it all.        
  When I masturbate, I always think of my ex-girlfriend. She was beautiful, had the most wonderfully perky breasts, and gave the best blowjobs ever.  She was also incredibly insane and is getting ready to join the Marines.  For some reason, I miss her more than any of the other eight exes.  
  I bought a little nylon WWJD bracelet a few months ago.  I didn't know what the thing meant, I was just intrigued   I wore it for weeks, spending free moments coming up with meanings.  "Why We Jerk Dogs" "Whittle While Jordy Dials" "White Weiner Jam Down" "Whimsy When Jerks Die"  Finally a friend said "Aren't you Jewish?  Why are you wearing the What Would Jesus Do bracelet?"  Damn it.  Now what do I do at stop lights?    
  I got this friend who met a guy while on vacation.  She invited him to her city figuring he'd never bother.  He did.  Right after setting out on the 3 state cross trip he stopped to get gas.  For some reason he brought his 'prize' guitar, got it out of the trunk, leaned it against the pump and took off without it.  Went back but of course it was gone.  When he arrived at her place several hours later, she basically gave him the cold shoulder, acted sick, etc.  He was bummed.  But to make it worse, right before leaving for the drive back after having a miserable time, she asked "why didn't you try to put the moves on me?"  That's so harsh.  
  Sitting at the computer in my underwear, eating grilled cheese sandwiches, and burning a CD.  Belch.  Ugh. Maybe I should've used the expensive cheese. That belch tasted nasty and had a metallic aftertaste.  
  I'd like to think my outer self reflects my inner, that I look like the type of woman grown men are fascinated by but fear... like a cobra or tiger.  Truth be told, I'm so nondescript and bland looking my own mother would have a hard time finding me in a crowd.  Strangely enough, this comes in handy quite often. No one ever looks at me twice when I buy vaseline, hedge clippers, a dozen boxes of ex-lax, and spray paint.   
   Age Takes Its Toll  I bump into a  really>  cute girl in the sports bar. So skinny she is that she doesn't need a bra, and doesn't wear one. Perfect. When she was seventeen, she babysat for my boy Wig, and one day, I noticed her wearing a button that said: "I go from zero to horny in 2.5 beers". I went to the fridge and put three bottles of Guinness in front of her. She: "?" Me: "You don't have to finish the last one." I used to do work for her mother, who I suspect had the hots for me. Anyway, back to the present. She seems to be interested in some young guy with his cap on backward and his ass hanging out, as the fashion goes :-( She's a good pool player, so I get her to partner with me, but I ask her to stand behind me when I take my shots. She: "?" Me: "You're way too much of a distraction." She colours up and giggles delightedly (I  love  when they do that), so I add: "Your mother would be horrified if she knew what I was thinkng about." She completely loses it, but then wraps herself around her guy, so I ask: "Is  this  your guy? You could do much better than him (nudge, nudge)" He and I become immediate friends, but she stays wrapped around him. When I leave, I unwrap them and give her the famous Limbo hand-kiss, but then I trip on the door threshold and bloody my nose, forehead, cheek and hands. As I write this (01:45am, June 19, 2002), I'm still dripping blood on the keyboard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You ever have a friend who looked like a foodstuff?  I had a friend who looked like a meatball sub... I called him "Boutros."  
  I was in my boyfriend at that time's car and we were looking for a parking spot.   He was in a suburban and it was wednesday evening in the theatre district.   Needless to say we passed the same block repeatedly. Then I noticed the long line of late teen/early twentysomething girls.  They were waiting for tickets for a show.   Hanson.  I guess they never got over it. MMM Bop.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            Wise man say:        Never fart in the shower   I got flashbacks from WWI's mustard gas attacks. Yes, it was so bad a 17 year old remembered his time in the trenches.   
  The other day I was at work, loading up boxes in the stockroom, when a hot coworker of mine walks in. "Whats up," i say My boobs are sweaty and i'm not wearing a bra" came the reply  It is the most action i've had in a month.  I am such a loser.  
  yesterday:  wanting to make a good impression on our first time, i resolved to go down on her untill she came b/4 we actually did *it*.  today: two and a half hours is more than i was prepared for...my tongue is so tired that i have said nothing all day.    Upside?  she paged me 3 times by noon.    Shit, I hope she will not expect that everytime.          
  I was hanging out with a friend of mine before class at the University and she was talking about how shitty her day had been when all of a sudden plop.  Some bird came by and shit on her.  Just remember when things can't get any worse, a bird can always crap on you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          So I'm making out with my boyfriend one night. I had a bad cold and a runny nose. I was on top and I opened my eyes for a peek. I looked down and I realized that my nose was running. I had snotted all over his face.      
  We parted ways in the wine aisle of the supermarket.  She walked away, a satisfied smirk plastered on her face, her sundress rippling in her wake, and an already-opened bag of pretzel rods in her hands.  I paid for my cheap beer and got into my rusty, beat-up Ford Escort.  Across the lot, I noticed her get into the front passenger seat of a brand new Mustang, a virile young man at the wheel, his face shaded by the visor.  I drove away from the market pretending I didn't notice and didn't care.  When I got home a few minutes later there was a message on my answering machine.  It was her.  I could hear somebody in the background announcing a cleanup on aisle something-or-other--she made the call while in the supermarket.  "I hate you.  I've left you by now, and I'm probably riding my new man's cock right this minute.  You fucked up.  You lose."  I fucked up.  I lose.  I miss you, Jenny.  Don't feel too bad about never mentioning the VD, though.  Pre-emptive revenge.  It works.  
                                             I had been riding the Greyhound for Four days straight. You don't get to shower...when you go Greyhound.  This black guy that sext next to me was completely smitten and went so far as to tell me he wanted to get busy.   Four days.  I got up and changed my seat. The thought alone is low-brow.   
  I agreed to go on my friend's radio show he had at college with the idea that he would have girls call in to win a date with me.   Needless to say, noone called in   Goddamn I am sexy  
       I walked into the store, and the sales person greeted me.      "How are you today?" she said.      "Fine." said I.       At the back of the store, a different sales person greeted me.      "How are you today?" he said.      I replied, "I feel more like I do now then I did when I got here."  I've never seen someone look so confused in my life.  
  I called the store where I work (porn again) today around 4:00 from New York. Listen, I said, I'll be there around 7 (instead of 5). At 6:07 I "missed" my train and called work to say close the store with a note saying emergency, and I'll just reopen when I get there.  Got to work around 8:45 - had a few beers on the way here. I smoked a bowl in the bathroom, jacked off, and finally opened the store.  It's nice to not care.  
  I copy-pasted something I thought was funny into Microsoft Word to save for later.  The words "mother fucker" are in it.  That green squiggly line pops up, and when I click it, it is shortened to motherfucker.  Is that lowbrow grammar, or lowbrow computing?  Or both?  
  when i first moved to minneapolis, my brother and i were out going to random bars.  really random... from sorority type places to hardcore biker bars to a polka bar and so forth. we walk into an average-looking dive, pay the cover, get frisked, sit at the bar, and look up... to see about 200 black guys staring at us. now, my brother's about the whitest guy you will ever meet.  and i'm kind of a dirty punk... and we were the only white people in the place.  i mean, i've been in the minority before... but never like this. but we ordered a beer anyway and thier attention seemed to drift. start up a conversation with some guy, and my brother asks him what was up with getting searched on the way in. dude says: "well... anytime you get this many black men in one room, there's always going to be the potential for violence." my brother said: "i'm glad you said it and not me" as he took a drink of his beer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          So this is for those of you that have left meat in the garbage in the sun... this story has some parts to it that aren't that stellar on their own but they fit together well to make a fun little lowbrow moment:  I cleaned out my fridge and found some pork chops that were way past "Sell by", they didn't look too good either so I threw them in the trash can outside.   Not giving thought to the fact that it's July in the central United States and, well, hot and sunny. A few days later I have to do something about the stench and flies. I take the lid off and instantly run back into my apartment, gagging from the horrendous stench - sort of ammonia-like together with the overpowering stench of decay. Some clorox-ing and bagging and gagging later I get the offending items wrapped up better and dragged to the curb.  I relate this story to a friend of mine that had served in the UN peacekeeping forces in Lebanon.  He tells me they frequently had to dispose of dead donkeys and horses that the locals just left by the roadside. Sunny, hot, dead horse rotting away ... the way they took care of this was to douse the carcasses in diesel fuel and burn them. But first they had to get some old tires under them so that they would burn up completely. Not the most pleasant of tasks I imagine.   Now for the funny part:  The locals bury their dead in little cave-like graves in the mountain side and close up the cave. The local custom, however, dictates that they open the graves five years later to inspect the dead. If the deceased in question was a good muslim, then there should be no flesh on his bones.   So they cheat.  They don't properly close the grave, they leave an air gap, so that the body will decompose completely.  This grave site is rather close to the camp where my friend served. When the wind was blowing in the right direction, it would carry the stench of scores of decomposing humans into their camp. That, and flies.  And he tells me: Now that you smelt your rotting pork chops, you know what a rotting human smells like.  Nice, eh?  
  He wore tiny, tinted glasses low on his nose. His ocean-waved hair was linty and in need of a new perm. He was missing a tooth, and licked his lips constantly. His track suit was faded at the knees. He held a folded up section of a newspaper. As the  engine roared and the bus lurched from side to side, he tried to sell me a fake ass gold chain. "No", I repeated..."No." I got watches" "No." "I got earrings, gold earrings, a pretty lady like you needs earrings" "No. I know you got a stamp and stamped 14k on those chains. That shit is hella fake."  He gave me a dirty look, mumbled something under his breath, and got up to go sit somewhere else. He licked his lips, patted his hair, and waited for the next gullible looking person to board the bus.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I was once asked what was good for a hangover in the morning. The only thing i could think to suggest was drinking extremely heavily the night before!  
  Last night at the laundromat--a panty tale  "Scrape-scrape-scrape," goes the cheap metal chair. pause- look   pause-look  pause-look Stretch of the arm as it rests a little too close. Eye contact, then glare, then the contact is broken.  To myself I think, "OK you dirty old geezer. You get any closer to my basket of lace camisoles (cold wash only, no dryer) and you're losing a finger."  
  okay - so my parents are waiting for my grandparents to die so that they can live in their nice house.  They buy furniture knowing exactly where it will go in their house-to-be.  "I hope we have enough money to buy out the other two thirds of the house when your parents die" - my mom to my dad  eh - he doesn't have a problem with it - neither will I.  
   my brother's "sex-less" drunken bachelor party ended at the Scrap Bar in nyc. he stumbled to the toilet with me following to insure he hit the porcelain and not the floor. he opened the door and the room was bedecked with someone else's interior ejected in all directions. because of the paintjob and the alcohol he didn't notice at all.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Remember the first time you popped a chubbie thinking about a girl your own age?  Remember what she looks like?  She's beautiful.  She's a goddess.  She's the most erotic thing in the universe.  You were only twelve.  Now you're 25 and you look at her picture and you can still feel a distant memory of those days.  Makes you a little queasy, doesn't it?  
  So there I was, brooding melancholy-style over a cup of crappy joe.  The server walks by and says "I really like your hair color."  I say, "It's falling out cuz I dye it so often to keep this amazing shade of red."  She wouldn't talk to me anymore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So the most likley to become successful award at my highschool prom went to a jock.  Like every other award at the prom  Then why is he still pumping my gas 5 years later?    
  My boss is short, im over 6", shes probably at or under 5". This is fine, i have no problems talking to her and all, but when i follow her somewhere, i feel like im following an ewok  
  where i live, it's virtually impossible to get an apartment. that's why i'm 20, and still live at home. which would be fine, if only my room wasn't wall-to-wall with my parents'. also, a door would be nice.   what i have now is a curtain.  anyway, i had a fairly new boyfriend over for the night, and we did what all new couples always do. we had sex.   that is, until we hear someone get up from my parents' room. we figured, someone's going for a bathroom break, and it'll be more suspicious if i throw myself of off him instead of just being silent. only problem is, the person taking a walk is nearing my room. in panic, i do the fast roll to the left. my mom sticks her head into my room. i see what's happening, and tell her to go to bed. she doesn't hear me, and proceeds into my room, only wearing panties (is this clear enough? my mom. in my room. in full view from my bed, wearing nothing but panties. this is as low as it gets). i scream,  MOM GO TO BED! , at which point she apperantly wakes up, covers her chest and goes to bed.  that was the first time my boyfriend met my mom. he hasn't since.  and though i live in sweden and we're supposed to be liberal, we're not  that  liberal.  i just want to die when i think about it.  
  [quote] I wonder if McDonald's employees have inside jokes like "I gotta go use the McToilet" or "The smell of these fries makes me want to McVomit".   - kell_h0und@yahoo.com  [/quote]  no, no jokes like that.the real jokes are the management and what we do your food.  
  I was running low on lighter fluid for my Zippo and we just happened to be at the Mart of Wal, so I grabbed a can and proceded to check out.  The girl behind the counter asked to see my I.D.  I asked, "What if I'm not using it to smoke, just set stuff on fire?"  I bought a pack of matches at a conveinence store down the street.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i always thought it would be funny to call somebody a 'chump'.        
  New people are moving in where the drugnuts used to live. I'm out front weeding the flowerbeds when they come over to "introduce themselves". They tell me their names, and that they just moved here from Oregon, and did I want to come to church with them? I said no, then asked them if the housing managers had gotten the smell out. What smell? they asked.  Oh, I replied. I guess they got the bodies out before they rotted too much. But you'd think after three days... gee.  I saw them later in the mini-mart with a basket full of air fresheners.   
  i've been skateboarding for 16 plus years. i had never skated a real pool, though... plenty of bowls, wood and concrete, but never a pool. upon verifying the location of a 10 foot kidney at a shut-down motel, i "allowed" all of my employees to leave early, headed home, smoked a bowl, grabbed my pads and board, and was off. it's fucking good to be boss.  
  thursday, i got so drunk that i staggered into the bar bathroom and vomited explosively on the toilet in the stall... not time to make it all go in.  saturday, somebody has done the same thing in the bathroom of another bar, and the smell is vile.  i complain to all my buddies about this.  they are still unaware of my thursday night upchuck.  man, i'm a hypocrite.  another round of jager?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hey whoever posted that thing about writing "Happy Easter Black Bastard" on a dollar?  I did it cause i thought it was funny, and used the dollar to buy cigarettes at 11:30 while drunk at a gas station.    The clerk was Indian or Pakistani, looks at it and says "happy, easter black bastard? ok"     
  There was this chick that I was all about even though I was her "best friend in the world". There was a major problem I had with calling her though. Her "lovely and caring" father. The dillweed used to push her around and even threw her down the stairs once. She may have been hard to get along with but throwing your kid down the stairs? DAMN!! So you know what he's like.  Then I was a real mousey kid of 15 or 16. You know fat nerdy, but real nice (now I'm skinny, geeky and cocky). I call and her Dad picks up. I think "Aw crap!" with good reason. I ask if she's there and he says "NO!" and hangs up right then and there. I stand there phone still to my ear listening to the dial tone, mouth wagging in the breeze.  I scowl hit redail and yell "ASSHOLE!!" into the phone when he picks up again. I slam the phone down and brood for the next few hours until she calls and says sounding a tad confused, "Um my Dad said you called and that I should call you back as soon as I could..." Conversation insuses and there is no mention that he was angry. It suprised the hell out of me because even when he was in a good mood my messages never got delivered to her. She never found out that her father was the first person I'd ever cussed out. The next time I saw her dad (who was physically intimidating being over six feet tall) he was more polite and friendly with me than he ever had been before.  I'm still scrathing my head over that one....  
  I was a busboy.  He was a yuppie. I didn't want to be bothered, it was rib night and my shirt was covered with goo. He was teaching his kid who was on the $1 bill when I came by to pick up their plates. He told his kid, "Impress this guy, tell him who's on the fifty dollar bill."  The kid wouldn't say because I looked like the rib-goo-monster at the moment.  He kept pressing and finally told the kid, "Say Ben Franklin.  Say Ben Franklin is on the fifty-dollar bill." Under my breath I said, "Grant." He look at me, "What?" "Grant's on the fifty, Ben Franklin's on the hundred." I left as he said, "Well, I see so many hundreds, I get mixed up."  But he lost, even his wife was laughing at him.  
  So I catch a rare glance at this incredibly hot girl.  Not that I usually use a vulgar term like "hot" but this is lowbrow, isn't it?  Well, I happened to be walking to the bathroom. Thinking I had slyly caught a good shot of her ass I smile to myself-  And slam right into the locked bathroom door.  
  i was dejected and rejected when i finally went to email cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com to tell her i liked her moments so much and that they brightened up my days ...and then found out its not a real email address (or so sayeth hotmail) pity, i had always thought it was a clever email address  
  I think everyone has to find thereself in something.  Some people find it in sports, music, or the arts, etc... It is, in the words of Ralph Waldo Emmerson, man's goal in life to know thyself.  It just so happens I find myself in doing drugs and meditating.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In Somerville MA, there is a funeral home called "Long Funeral Home." I guess "Long" is the owner's name, but I bet they don't get much business...  
  I don't hate microsoft because they're a megacorp or because windows whatever screws up or because they try to manipulate the computer world.  No, I hate them because they hired an ex I'd personally love to see unemployed, broke and homeless... which he was a tad away from being before they hired him.  Damn you, Bill Gates.  
  Redneck Haiku:  Skoal Is Pussy Chaw The Good Shit Smells Like Moonshine Knocks You On Your Ass  
  Sitting waiting for the airplane is always the worst part of travel. Not to mention the people in the lobby. The woman next to me smells of cheap perfume, and a little bit of beer. I put down my magazine to hold my seat while I get up to get a soda, and she asks me, "hey, I'm gonna read your magazine if you're done with it."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I frequently run the country roads behind my house. My little brother will sometimes tag along on his bike.   One day I'm running and I hear him say "Oh no! I ran over a grasshopper!" I replied "Don't worry, there are plenty of grasshoppers in the world."  Then I realized there are 7 billion people in the world.   Hope I don't get squashed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote surfs up on the bell curve and its a great day for a ride endquote in response to a question about what he was not more normal         
  I don't know what's going on, but looking up how to start a phone-sex conversation and getting a webpage for Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu is just too creepy.  
  We had a St. Patrick's Day party. I invited a few friends of mine who are about a generation older than I am. Afterward, one fortysomething guy emailed me:  "It's a bummer growing older.  I know I need to accept it, but I'm rebelling strongly against it.  Today I noticed that the collagen under my eyebrows is melting and falling down onto my eyelids, causing droopy epicanthic folds and constant eyelid tics.  And apparently my eyebrow hairs were anchored in the collagen, and now they are starting to stick out every which way, I guess cuz the stuff that their roots were in has melted away."  He is married, and added:  "I especially liked [female friend of mine]!  She's hot! I really fall for blondes.  (Don't tell her I said this.)  She's not only extremely attractive, but intelligent too, and that type just totally bowls me over.  If I ever find an attractive, intelligent blonde who for some oddball reason finds ME attractive too, then I'm afraid [my wife is] in for trouble!"  And if by some extraordinary chance this is posted and he finds this on the 'brow, I want him to remember that: (a) it's anonymous, and (b) it  is   pretty fucking lowbrow.   
  If I could have one wish  it would be for all the people of the world   to join hands and sing a song of peace  that way they'd all be outside singing, and I could stay inside and practice my auto-erotic primal scream exersizes with impunity.   
  You know it's a good shit if it gives you the chills as it comes out.  
  On the bus after the game.  Waiting patiently to get back to campus when the cheerleaders from both teams pile on.  They immediately start complaining about the smell.  Actually, on the girls complained.  "It smells like shit up in here".. over and over again- as if complaining more vocally would either do something about the foul smelling bus or at least prove to everyone that they weren't responsible for the stench.  eventually the cheerleaders stopped complaining about the smell and started singing "buttercup" and disney songs..  I thought about how much I hated cheerleaders as I ground the dogshit on my shoe further into the seat in front of me.  
  handoverhand up the retrievers leg to a full standing position, the eight month old gropes for a steadying handhold  at exactly shoulder level, she gets a whiteknuckle grip on his crank  the dog doesn't make a move  
  I'm watching Star Wars with a friend and drinking beer. We get drunk and then his brother and his friends arrive. They have wine and we drink that. Then some strong, strong joints are rolled and passed around.  It comes to me and when I go to pass it I see that Mick is busy on a matress with the future Ms. Ireland. I leave him to it and smoke the whole thing myself in a minute, washed down with a mug of wine.  Next thing I'm crawling out of the room to puke my guts up in the toilet next door.   Upon deciding to go home I stand and go to use the phone but I only make it to the hall before I have to run to the kitchen and puke my guts up in their sink.   The next day my friend tells me that I completely clogged the sink and his brother had to clean it all out.  
  As I laid on the floor naked he went to dress.  All I could think of was, "God, I really want a cig."  But the rather large puddle of cum all over my stomach now starting to drip down the sides of my waist said otherwise.  Had to shower...no time for the after sex cig.  So then it hit me in my brilliant drunk/high state...do them both!  Just make sure you keep the hand with the cig in it away from the shower, when you are done toss it in the toilet.  Ah, who says you can't have the best of both worlds?  
  the tap on the head with the shoe is what tipped me off i had been hit and hard and was now on the floor looking up at a state trooper who was none too happy get up said he seems someone hit you in the head with this a broken pool cue i mean i know that toothless old man biker bars in upstate new york arent the best thing for me but  when the hell did the place go f troop and while wasnt i informed before i got whacked in the head cant even drink a beer these days jese        
  I was at Disney World with my family and we werein line for test track, we weren't really in line becasue nobody was there that week, anyway, the kid in front of us is a fat ass.  I'm looking at the back of his shirt and I see his arm is back there, he had his hand down his pants, and he had his hand in his ass, and it wasn't just sitting there, he was digging for something.  As he took his hand out of his pants he took a good look at his hand, looked at me with my disgusted look on my face, as I was saying in my mind, please, don't do it you fat fucker he smelled his hand, took a huge whiff of it, and then he started digging again.  I said to my mom who was watching with me "I hope we don't ride with him." She agreed     We didn't ride with him, thank god.  Oh yeah, he was doing this in front of his parents who didn't stop him or seem to mind. Weird family.  
  Our snaggle-toothed, no-chinned, six- toes-on-one-foot-baby-sitter used to feed us Spaghetti-Ohs and call it barf-Oh-Ghetti and she wuld get th sauce caught under her three inch long nails and for the rest of the day, she'd lick sauce out of her nails.  
                                             Jiggly Puff had bowel movements on a shrub?? Wow. Cartoons have changed since Speed Racer  
  i'm intelligent.  i'm clever.  i'm funny.  i'm compassionate, though not senselessly or sentimentally so.  i probably share some of your interests.  i am educated.  with luck, i will make a lasting contribution to the welfare of livingkind.    do you want me?  no, you want someone whos ass looks good in a pair of tight jeans.  
  My wife (soon to be ex, but I didn't know that then) had really packed on the pounds.  100lbs with each kid, and she was gaining.  Morbidly obese is the term.  She's pushing 350lbs now on a 5'5 frame.  We went to the local water park, she heaved her bulk into an inner tube on the white water ride and ...  The White Water Ride is one where a jet of water shoots you up a shallow incline, over the top, and you gently float down a concrete trough, simulating a "white water" ride.  She heaved her bulk into the inner tube, the operater jazzed his jet up to full blast, she rode up and up ... and just as she got close to the top, she got stuck.  The jet couldn't overcome her poundage.  She couldn't stand up.  She had no place to put her feet and push.  The guy put his pusher into full blast and .. nothing.  She'd rock to and fro but not going anywhere.  People were making comments, my son and I tried very hard to pretend we weren't with her, didn't know that person.  The attendent got a guy to go out with him - they each grabbed a handle on the tube, and onetwothree heave-ho away she went  The rest of the day was anti-climax.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night I participated in the TP-ing and lipsticking of my friend's car on prom night.  So, when he and his date came out-they were confronted with a car festooned with a whole roll of paper and lipstick comments written on all the windows.  They were mad as hell.  I feel so bad that I had to tell someone.  I've never really felt guilt before-but I am seriously feeling it now.  I'm sure they will look back at this in 10 years and they will think its funny as hell, right?        
  As usual, my parents are getting me to wrap some of their gifts for christmas. As I work my way through it, I notice a gift for my half-brother.  My parents got my half-brother (currently not seeing anyone) chocolate body paint to be used in sex.  I just hope I'm old enough not to be emotionally scarred.  
  one evening when  was like 14 or 15 i went swimming in my pool at night. (normal summer thing to do) anyways, after i had been in the pool for like 10 minutes i figured out i really had to shit. i didnt want to go into the house, so i went out into the lawn and squatted down and laid a nice big snake. after wiping my ass with my hand, then onto the grass, i got paranoid. we didnt have a dog that could lay a shit like that and i just *knew* my parents would know it was me shitting in the back yard, so i picked up my turd and threw it into the neighbors yard.   looking back, that was really satisfiying, and i wanna do it again.    
  Episode III: FULL-ON SHIT-HAMMERED  Next door turns out to be a strip-club. Funny, I thought I had been to them all. This one is beyond filthy, and there's a not-so-strange stench. Cutest little thing sits next to me at the bar, first night it turns out. I offer to buy her a drink, she says something to the bartender out of earshot, he pours her a glass of some clear liquid, turns to me and says "That'll be eleven dollars." I damn-near fall on the floor, I'm laughing so hard. She returns after her set nearly full-on shitfaced. First time drinking, too, I wonder? I talk her into leaving with me at closing time, hours away. Later I see her in a dark corner blowing chow. At closing time a stripper-buddy whisks her out the back before I can talk to her and I'm on the street, smashed and alone.  
  It was a good thing the music in the topless bar was so loud. That way, the dancers could not hear me laugh at them.        
  My best friends little brother was a dumbass. We were in high school and he was a few years younger but he was desperate to hang out with us. One night, just to shock us, he stuck a dowel from a broken kitchen chair up his ass. We were horrified. And enthralled. Thus ensued a raucous round of 'what can we get this asshole to shove up his asshole.' The coup de grace came when I offered him a five dollar book of McDonald's gift certificates if he shoved his middle finger up his ass (past the second knuckle at least), held it there for 10 seconds, took it out, and sucked on it for 15 seconds. He actually did all of it, and I never have him the gift certificates. Sucker!  
  Smoothing a weathered twenty, I waited. In my perifery, smouldering patrons shifted their grip on their grocery items.  "Price check - Express Aisle 2!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was little my mother kept trying to tell me my freckles were angel kisses.  One day I finally said, "no way mom, an angel sneezed on me!"        
  So I'm at my buddy's house party, it's the day after. He and a couple other people come back, myself and another dude stayed and got stoned. Pete goes to have a shower, and James sits next to me. We comment on how Pete is supposed to be showering, but we don't hear anything. I guess that he's whacking off. We laugh and argue whether he is or not, and we hear the shower start. A minute later, James turns and says "who fucking stinks? who farted?". After about ten seconds, I laugh. We just realized what Pete was doing all along, that motherfucker.  
  i just jacked off using the small amount of grease on my hands from my steak hoagie as lubricant.  
  This isn't my moment, but it needs to be shared.   One morning a group of friends and I were hanging out, talking about our various pasts and sexual misadventures. My room mate woke up and groggily walked into our kitchen. One of the guys there did the price is right model "Here is the item!" presenting stance, pointed at the one woman there and said, "Look! This is a real live bisexual!" Without missing a blink, my room mate looks at her and says, "Do you do anal?"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          I own one of those vibrators that you can buy at your local drug store. You know, the kind of vibrators that are for "back massages" and such with the cool names like 'The Personal Massager 3000'. Maybe some people own these kind of vibrators for actually back massages, but I am not one of them. Anyone who knows me would know right off why I know one of these things. I mean I am only the biggest pervert ever, and I talk about masterbation all the time. But apparently not all of my friends know me as well as I thought. So, two of my really good guy friends stop by my house the other day. We are all just hanging out in my room and chillin on my bed when suddenly one of my friends finds my vibrator under my bed. It was still plugged into the wall, but it was shoved under the bed. He decides to turn in on and give himself a back massage. My other friend looks at me, and we give each other that knowing look and burst out laughing. I did not know how to diffuse the situation. You can not exactly say, "uh hey thats my naughty vibrator. you might not want to use that."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So i go to Dunkin Donuts and place my order for 3 dozen donuts, and the dumbass kid working there stares at me "is that for here or to go".  dumbass  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a kid I saw a looney toons cartoon where this big dog is being annoyed by a little kitten.  The dog has to keep the kitten out of trouble, but the kitten gets loose and ends up in the woman of the hous's cookie dough.  The dog's afraid to do anything, because he didn't keep the kitten out of trouble and believes the little beast has been cooked into a cookie   a cat shaped cookie.  The woman of the house notices how despondent the big dog is, hands him a cat cookie. The dog is devastated and starts to weep uncontrollably cradling the cat cookie.  Anyway, turns out the cat just got stuck in the flour or something and walks up to the dog like Hamlet's ghost and nearly scares the shit out of the dog. Finally he realizes what happened and all is well.  That cartoon was on the cartoon network the other day and it still chokes me up.  It's a brilliant piece of animation.  
  i was very very drunk and had found a traffic cone. i stuck it between my legs and pretended to be back door banging my girlfriend. right there in the middle of the road. it was 1am.  my girl friends dad chose that moment to be walking his dog. i wonder why he dosent like me?   
   "do you want four or six?" the blond bartender with goofy glasses and a russian style fur hat said. "uhhh.... six, since it's 2 for 1, i guess." "i have a friend" she says, "who always says ' it's like twelve for the price of six!' HaaaHAhhaHAA."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  50% of all the people you know are below average.        
  No, I didn't pass gass.  And, no, I didn't accidentally screw the girl in her poopy-hole.  And, no, I didn't walk out of the restroom with my nuts or my cock hanging out (or even with my fly open, for that matter).  And, no, I didn't "accidentally" cum in her mouth.  But I did swipe money out of her purse and then got caught putting it back the next day, yielding one hell of a shouting match and an endless stream of denials and explanations and one, long, embarrassing divorce.  
  So one time i am at a party and i hook up with this chick, we goto the bar get all wasted and stuff then we started kissing ,slobering all over eachother we got hot *YEAH*,  then i start thinking, that is a great dream man i wish i had these kinds of dreams everyday .   All of a sudden i feel that my dick is wet and i am like damn , haven't had those wet dreams in a while nice to be 21 and get the best of both worlds.  So i wake up and what do i see there is the girl from the party on my friends couch sucking my dick .  As i write this  my hand is kinda sticky , what does that mean?   
  i was always so proud that i didn't have an accent, that i sounded just the same as friends from all over the east coast...  then i said one word. 'cuss.' suddenly i was a southerner.  damn slang.  
  dad: "how's your girlfriend doing?" me: "good..." dad: "hm.  the flavor of the month is somehow still around in october... that's not like you.  this one, is she a keeper?" me: "let's not get ahead of ourselves, pops."  
  "oh, you drive her nuts."  "i do?"  "yeah. she can't stand it that we hang out.  she says to me, 'i know you two are best friends and all, but the fact that she is your ex-girlfriend is just weird for me. i mean, your EX-girlfriend.'  and i said, 'well, you're going to have to get used to it. i'm not going to stop hanging out with her. she's my friend.'  and she said, 'i know, i would never ask you to do that.' "  "really."  "yeah."  thought: i wonder if it would drive her MORE crazy if she knew that he and i were sleeping together, and he thinks she has a potbelly. hmmm.      
  i said to her: "i'll be fucking you later whether you're there or not."  
  everyday one summer: wake up, after noon... skateboard... donate plasma... buy meat and spirits with plasma bank money... wander neighborhood looking for charcoal... steal charcoal off some meathead's porch... grill meat, drink spirits... pass out. repeat.  
  Some lowbrow observations:  Farts now concern me....  Trying to describe this site I ususlly use some sort of shit-yourself-story as an example....  Many of my friends and co-workers are a great source of browish material....  You people are a bunch of sick, depraved, compulsive little monkeys....  Sigh...  Thanks for letting me in the club.  
  Seriously, people, if you post a moment, post a real email address. Hotmail and Yahoo give out free ones. Do it for the children. I've read some good ones here, and I'd've liked to tell them how good they were. But a bullshit email address is nobody's friend.  
  "Back up dat ass," my dad says to my mom.  I was too shocked to correct him.  
  i was out at a nice restaraunt with some pals.  time to order dessert came, and since i wanted none, i got up to use the pisser.  when i returned, dessert had been served and they seemed to be having some sort of discussion about one person's dessert - a white icy looking sorbet.  i wanted to know what the deal was - so they told me to taste it and to identify what the flavor was.  i took a bite and the taste was.....citrus-like, sweet but with a tang, something desperately familiar but i could not identify it.  i looked at them, shrugged and said, it's familar, but i cant place it.  so they told me.  urinal cakes - and they were right.  fancy urinal cake sorbet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once had a roommate/friend who was very assertive/manipulative, who was always able to give the impression that he was sane and rational, even while doing things that were insane and irrational.  For instance, I might say, "Hey, man, it's time to pay the rent," and he might answer:  "Rent?  I paid rent last month."  And he might say so with such authority that I might respond, "Oh - oh, yeah, I forgot.  Sorry."  That never happened - it's just a good analogy.  His silent philosophy of drinking was that you weren't really drinking unless you drank so much that you were extremely fucked up.  If you didn't throw up and feel totally incapacitated the next day, well, you just weren't trying.  No such thing as "having a quick beer."  He once talked me into drinking and smoking clove cigarettes until the room was spinning entertainingly, and - well, you know what happened next.  I did my best to avoid this type of situation in the future, but he was very persuasive.  Once I woke up at three in the morning, hearing a commotion in the bathroom.  He was in there with his girlfriend, coaching her as she threw up.  Sick bastard.  
  I was 12 or 13 years old braking into my step dads shitty porn collection and jerking off every chance I had. This had become such a regular and very frequent habit that I got a little to comfortable with the taking out and putting back of the videos. Both Mom and Step Dad are home when we decided to watch a move on the good ole VCR when SUPRISE SUPRISE!!!!!!!!!  
  i've got this ruler from elementary school that has big block letters on it that say "report all drug smuggling".  i used that ruler to arange my coke the first time i did a line.  
  While walking a date out of my building, I slid my left foot over. In doing so, my left sandal clipped my right big toe. Swallowing the pain, I walked her to her car. When I returned home, I noticed that the nail had been ripped clean off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So yea, I am a Rugby player and one thing Rugby players like to do is drink. Anyway, a few weeks ago, my team has a big tournament in DC. So the night after the tournament, we all go to a bar in the city. I of course drink too much for my own good. So on our subway ride back, my friend and I decided that it would be a good idea to piss on the subway, so we pull into one of the seats and piss on the floor, just before we are about to get off. Mind you the train still has a fair amount of people on it. So we switch trains onto a different one. On this train, I start getting the spinnies and just instantly let loose puking on the floor of the train. The whole car claps with delight, as I spew time after time on the floor of the train. Eventually my friends hand me a plastic news paper bag to puke into. After I am done with that, I just tie it up and leave it on the train. It was a fun night...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i pulled the van off of the freeway to the truck stop.  no one knew what was to be my prize,  the jesus fingernail clippers.        
  Ever since I turned 18 (I'm 21), I've been meaning to go to the local non-alchohalic strip club, coz i found out a girl I went to junior high school with was working there. I had such a hard on for her back then, and I figured I owed it to my younger self to go check it out. The last time I saw her was about 2 years ago, and she was still hot (she also had a baby harness strapped to her chest and was smoking, but that is neither here nor there)However, I have still not gone yet, coz nobody will go with me, and I have no intention of going by myself. I don't want to be "that guy". Anyhoo, she was in the newpaper today. Her husband is going to jail for murder.  
  my boyfriend and i were taking a shower together. it was the last time we'd get to do it before he left for college. yes, it was sweet and romantic.   we scrubbed and washed each other.  we hugged under the warmth of the water.  we also had a contest to see who could make the loudest armpit fart.  i never wanted the moment to end.     
  ...I'm going to be really pissed off when the apocalypse does'nt come this new year.  I've been waiting since I was 9 yrs. old to be Mad Max. "See you on the road scag!  See you on the road like we saw the Knight Rider!"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used Xenical for a while.    They say that it may cause gas with an oily discharge.  Funny how you don't remember things like that until your pants are stained with a orngish grease that looks like it was sent from hell.  It's also funny how you don't remember that until  you've entered a farting contest with some buddies.  On the boat.  In the middle of the lake.  I won.  
  Waves lap a round rock The smooth rock flashes in the shadowless day The sky is  supernatural, cloudless blue   I am stirred by the wonder But my scrotum is harried by sand grit  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  My mother always told me to wash my hands before eating, especially after handling money, because you never knew where the money had been.  After paying at McDonalds with a wad of $1 bills in change from last night, I sat down and reached for a fry. Then I remembered where I was last night.  A strip bar off the interstate in West Virginia.  Funny how you wash your hands not when you don't know where the money's been...      ...but rather when you _do_ know.  
  so you wait for another hour or two for the weed to wear off so you can get stoned again propper.   then you smoke only to find you didnt wait long enough and all it did was emphasize your burnt-ness.  fuck it.  have a banana.  
  is it me or does it seem like there is a higher density of coors light drinking mout breathing wwf wrestling watching ex spouse stalking overweight lights on no one for blocks ignorant morons from the riki lake show walking around in public these days no wonder there is a waiting period for guns it should be a longer wait like forever         
  a few months back, this chick i know at BYU told me about this big school scandal. y'see, mormons aren't supposed to have sex until they get married.  seems a bunch of students found a loophole. They bolted to vegas, got married, fucked their brains out, got divorced, and came back.  A nice weekend outing. School found out.  The kids were kicked out of school, AND out of the church. I bet they all celebrated the news with lots more sex, and their first taste of sweet,sweet beer.  And maybe a caffinated soda. My friends swears this is a bad thing, but I still don't see a downside.  
  Last semester, my friend had a philosophy teacher who came to class inebriated or high on something often. After standing in front of class asking if we liked her new suit for half-an-hour, she told us this story:  She got kicked off the plane in Cleveland because, when walking through first class on the way to her seat in coach, she said to them "Hello, Christians. Do you think Jesus would've flown first-class? You hypocritical mother-fuckers!"  Our university fired her.  She's kind of my role-model.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She looked at me and said "If the government ever tries to embrace me, I swear I'll scream rape!"  
  In 8th grade, I had terrible morning wood. It's first period, and I'm peeing at a urinal, with my hard on sticking at least four inches outta my pants. One of the coolest kids in the school walked in, and saw my boner. His jaw dropped, and all I could think of to say was, "What, youv'e never seen one of these before?"  We still see each other around, as we have friends in common, but we have never spoken about that time that he saw my wang.  
  we can put a man in space and bring him back safely. we can teach a monkey sign language. we can not tell if you have genital warts until you physically grow a wart on your dick.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was quite little, one of my cousins wondered aloud how many peas a person could put up their nose. My mom made me quit after 15, but I'm sure I could have done at least 20. Ten per nostril, that is.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend has a cemetary from the 1700's somewhere in the woods behind his house that nobody knows about except for us and his dad. One day during our regular drug-use activities, we got the idea that we should exhume the graves in order to rob them.  After sobering up, I pointed out that there was probably nothing of value.   I suggested stealing the skulls and throwing them at oncoming cars at night.   Z  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my coworkers invited me over to his place and we got hammered on rum and coke. He hurled Domino's buffalo wings all over the bathroom sink, and his girlfriend urinated on my foot.   At about 9 the next morning, I woke up, drove home, showered and went to work. I'm still not sure what happened to that sock.   
  One night when I was 15 my mom walked in on me as I was jerking off.  She tried to pretend it was no big deal by walking over to my bedside, picking up my playboy, and thumbing through it as if she was in a dentist's waiting room.  She tried to hide her embarrassment, God bless her, but I could hear it in her voice as she told me she'd talk to me tomorrow and she was sorry she interrupted me.  From the moment she walked in till the moment she left, I just laid there, naked and motionless with my hand still clutching my pubescent cock.  I finished the job in silence after she was gone.  
  To the woman who drives the muscle cars and fucks with the teenager behind the counter at Sears Auto Center...  ...do you know how vexing it is to be high as fuck, and deal with vixens when you can't even clear your cottonmouth throat to speak, nevermind oogle at your divine presence? Cut us some slack... high school girls may be eazzzzzzzzzzzz-y to tame, but damn, anything college freshman and older is like a dagger of awkwardness through our prepubescent Adam's apples.  frakin' succubus  
  A guy I've known since I was 14 and really considered a father figure almost was talking to me on Yahoo IM.  We both had our webcams up, just chatting and whatnot, catching up because it'd been a month or so.  We haven't seen each other in years and and all pictures sent were older too. He hadn't seen me since I lost a good chunk of weight.  He comments on my voluptuousness and says that I look good.  Cat walks by his computer and knocks his webcam down.  He's wearing no pants and masturbating while he talks to me.  I'm scarred.  
  My wife already had the shower hot and steamy when I decide to join her. She looked mildly 'Homer' like. (Dohh!). I could smell the acrid ammonia odor waft over the shower curtain. I didn't let on that I knew she was pissing.  
  in the grocery store with my friend, she whispers, 'pssst, check that guy out...'  in the middle of the isle, he's about 50, overweight, balding, holding a 6-pack of bud light in one hand, and a delux home enema kit in the other.  never one to miss a lowbrow moment, i slink over, toss my hair, and ask 'want some company tonight?'  'no', he says, and walks away.  i would give anything to plumb the depths of that man's brain.  
  So my brother and I went out to my family's house in the country on Halloween night, just to hang out after attending our friend's Halloween party.  I dressed as a vampire and he was a policeman.  We keep a bunch of musical equipment there, and that night we got drunk and I started playing the drums really loud.  The old lady who lived in probably the only other house around for miles came over to our garage and rapped on the door. When I opened it, she said "Do you realize I'm trying to sleep?"  I said with a serious face "Ma'am, it's ok, I've already notified the authorities, and they'll be here shortly to put a stop to my antics."  She was confused, but said ok and left.  I told my brother, who was still wearing his policeman costume, to start playing the guitar while I drummed.  Not five minutes later, the old lady came knocking on our door again. We opened the garage door, and my brother, still wearing the guitar around his neck, and after she yelled at us to stop the noise, said "Madam, if you don't leave these premises right now, I'll have to fine you for disturbance of the peace."  It was the first time I'd heard a lady over 50 say "Fuck you" to a cop.  
  When I was seven I once tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich.  In the toaster.  And you thought pop tarts made a lot of smoke when the burned.  
  My deoderant (old spice) reads:   for best results use daily...   Isn't it sad that it actually has to be written  
  Sitting around in 4th grade sex ed we are doing the wonderful nameless question and answer time.  Finally the teacher who we all know is getting some every night pulls the last question and reads:  "I've heard about guys with only 2 balls, is that possible?"  The immediate response is stunnd silence followed by a fingering of each guys crotch.  The Teacher just stares at the sad child who left his name on the paper, before finally laughing so hard he had to go to the teachers room to put it on the bulletin board.  
   Sentence-Parsing 401  I told my wife's boyfriend that my girlfriend discovered her husband has a girlfriend. (After we stopped laughing, he asked why she expected anything different.)  
  I awoke to the phone ringing. In a hung over daze I ran across the cold lenoleum floor to answer on the fourth ring. It was my mother calling from back home. "Well did you know your going to be a big brother again".   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Why is Scrappy Doo so hated?   I watch Scooby Doo.  I like Scooby.  I like Velma.  I like Fred.  I like Daphne. I like Shaggy.     I hate Scrappy.  I don't know why.  For some reason, I saw the episode where he first came out, and I hated him on sight.    
  So my boyfriend says to me (essentially):  "Shut your mouth or I'll stick my dick in it."  And that's why I love him.  
  DarkeLadey: But there are breasts twice as large as mine in that anime Rayne: ugh...now thats too big. Yours are delicious... twice that would be a bit... stupendous... DarkeLadey: aww thank you :-) DarkeLadey: i think thats the nicest compliment my breasts have ever gotten.. :-) Rayne: hey I call em like I see em. *grin*       
  i have a problem with munchies - when i get high i'll eat absolutely anything. this summer i was so desperate for cookies i tried to make them using nothing but flour, water, sugar and maybe margarine. hard as rocks and not much tastier, i only ate three.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Always always ALWAYS add "Between the sheets" to the end of your fortune.  Trust me.  
  My two dogs erupted in a fit of unprovoked barking. I yelled at them and they shut up. I said to myself out loud, "They will never stop barking," with my best Shawn Connery voice. Which isn't very good. I kept repeating it over and over again as I walked around the house. I stopped when I noticed that my dogs were staring at me funny. I don't know if I'm funny or pathetic.  
  her: hey, you're pretty cute.   How much money do you make?  me:  you're not too bad yourself.  How much do you charge?  She made a lame attempt at slapping me.  One hour later she was blowing me in the backseat of her car.   I came in her mouth & she got all pissy.  
  I mowed lawns at my local hospital one summer. I noticed that against the buidling and halfway under a shrub was a plastic bag. On the bag there was some official-looking writing and a biohazard symbol. Inside, there was a strange white semi-solid substance. I avioded the bag for most of the summer.  I noticed that a foul smell began to seep from the bag. It grew stronger with each day until you could smell it from ten of fifteen feet away. I was suprised no one noticed the bag or tried to remove it. Maybe, like me, they were a little afraid of its contents.  Finally, the smell became overpowering and I decided to somehow take the bag to the trash. I stopped the lawn mower and snagged the plastic sack with a stick. I got a closer look at the liquid inside, a thick white ooze, much like chunky rotten pudding.   Then a compulsion overtook me. I couldn't stop myself.   I walked over in front of the lawn mower and placed the bag on the ground. I walked back to the mower and pulled the cord, it sprang loudly to life.  I hesitated, I tried to stop, but it was no use. The rational part of me was held hostage by some strange perverted side of my psyche. A side of myself I had only seen a few times in my life.   I pushed the mower overtop the bag and, with a splatter, a cloud of cottage cheese like material was flung across the lawn and onto the hedges. The smell was, without a doubt, rotting flesh. Most likely human flesh.   I puked when the smell invaded my nostrils and forced its way into my throat. It coated my tounge and seemed to pull the contents of my stomach out of me as surely as if someone fisted my throat and wrenched my guts out.  To this day I don't know what was in that bag.  
  Last saturday night, my ex gf had a birthday party. After everyone left, me her best friend and i went up to her room. Then shes like i MUST show you something and proceeds to turn off all the lights, lock the door, and pull the shades. Then i see a glowing light and a humming sound, "I got a vibrator for my birthday!" It was long, with a light on the end, and the more u turned the dial the louder and brighter it got. Then she started walking towards me, moments later this was heard... "STOP PUTTING IT THERE! IT DOESNT EXCITE ME IT JUST TICKLES!" I made her assure me before i left that she had washed it before its prior use.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm no big fan of handjobs as a general rule. (Quoth Paul Barman: "A handjob's a man's job / Yo job's a blowjob".)  But why would you  ever  try one when we're sitting in an open-air theater, surrounded on all sides by old white people, at a performance of "Singin' in the Rain"? "Finding Nemo" was hard enough to deal with but this is just retarted.  
  I think it would be cool to be a writer for a fortune cookie company. It would be funny to write a fortune like, "Steve, watch your back and don't trust anybody." The chances of a Steve actually getting that cookie and fortune are very slim, however, if a Steve did get it, it would be awesome.  
  My assistant sent me an email from work. I'm on vacation. She sent happiness wishes for the holiday season and new year not knowing that she will be out of a job by the end of January, 2003.  
  DaFlusha: yeah, I might write a story about tjay's shoe PeterJaffe: I don't have the time DaFlusha: yeah, you're always insanely busy DaFlusha: always doing things PeterJaffe: Like now PeterJaffe: Hopelessly busy PeterJaffe: Doing nothing PeterJaffe: Quite occupied doing nothing, too DaFlusha: yup DaFlusha: and even while I'm doing things, I still pretend I'm asleep DaFlusha: if you're bored, read my review of "Love Manager" PeterJaffe: I'm too busy DaFlusha: there you have it  
  If you aim for mediocrity, does it matter if you fail?  
  About two hours ago, I was making the kinda noise someone makes when they stretch, that sort of moan/grunt/whatever.  I sorta let it out slowly, and near the end, I whistled.  I didn't know how.  I didn't move anything, and exhaled again.  Somehow, my throat was closed in just the right place for it to whistle. My throat whistled.    For two hours, I've been trying to make it whistle again, but it just won't happen.  I'm gonna kill so many people if I can't whistle with my throat again.  Just you watch.  
  For years after the divorce, I owned a trailer in Texas. Houston, Texas. My son, who was still attending college at U of H. at that time was living with me. He is a geek. I am a geek.  We used to communicate by email; he was in the front room of the trailer and I was in the back room. He said one time, "I'll bet psychiatrists would have a field day with us." Probably.  
  I just read someone's post about Dolphins being the only other animals to have recreational sex and whether or not they commit foreplay. Well, I have two comments . . . 1) They aren't the only ones. Chimpanzees and other primates as well various species of canines (sp?) have been known to coppulate for pure pleasure. 2)I'd like to think that they don't have foreplay and that it's something that humans and humans alone have come up with. Kind of like the concept of God . . .  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've had my (then) girlfriends friend come by the bar and start making out with my GF just so we can skip out on the tab. In a bar full of lonely men, works every time. Hot Damn.  
  Her husband just left on deployment, which means she'll need someone to witness her overblown display of how brokenhearted and loyal and lost she is.  I've got my phone permanently off the hook and I'm not answering the door until she gets bored with her act and goes back to fucking anyone who likes fat chicks.  And hon, you can keep that CD you borrowed, I'd just as soon buy another one as have to listen to you.   
  I have a bumper sticker on my truck that I paid a whopping 1.19 for..that for some reason everyone thinks its a joke......  it reads: YES, This is my Pickup Truck, NO I wont help you Move....   God damnit...why dont you fuckin people listen to it...... and QUIT ASKING ME TO HELP YOU MOVE!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About a minute ago, I had to sneeze.  The tension was rising in my sinuses...  It soom became apparent I was about to burst.  Oh, this one was to be huge..  I have no tissues around, and no time to get-   Sploosh!   damn.    And a bowl's worth of snot splatters into my hand.  
  Making lists to prepare to go back to my parents' place for a visit: 1. list of things to remember to bring 2. list of imaginary friends I've made here 3. list of imaginary social events I've attended here 4. imaginary chronology of what I spend my free time doing here 5. list of things I do in my imaginary job 6. dirty words to teach my nieces and nephews  Yeah, it would be easier to just say Look, I hate this place and I'm unemployed and everyone I meet is too much of a fucking loser to make friends with and the "social" events here consist of clubbing with natives who hate "my kind" and ukuele tournaments, and I spend most of my time drinking and lowbrowing and pranking my neighborhood.  But I plan to hit them up for money, so plan A is probably going to be more profitable.  
  Last night I decided I'm going to start a company that manufactures shampoo for dogs.  I'm going to name it "Dogpoo"  
  I really like Schoolhouse Rock. I was lying in bed, talking to my boyfriend, not really messing around. He started singing "Conjunction Junction", and he sang the second line, which I'd never known.  I nearly orgasmed just from that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Before my husband and I were married, I used to be very untrustful. Not neccessarily of him but of other women. I hated the women he worked with, and his female friends. I was deathly jealous because of my own insecurities. Then I went to college and made a lot of friends....a lot of Guy friends. So he became insanely jealous for a time. We both calmed down and I began to realize my fears were really very dumb.  But then I think of all the things my Guy friends and I used to talk about and also realize that if I was capable of that, then I had a DAMN good reason to be jealous.  
  i said, "my girlfriend fucks like a rabid hamster." he said, "wow, that's great.....mine fucks like a walrus." I tried so hard not to interupt the teacher with my fit of laughter. whenever i'm sad, i think of that moment.  
  when i was like 7, my grandfather was dying in the hospital from lukemia or something... anyway, as we were leaving, my smoking fat bitch aunt comes over and pinches me cheeks (i hate that) and says in that voice she uses when she's talking to her dog "give your aunt franny a big kiss." now, me the child of a tobacco rep and a car dealership owner, i was blessed with the gift of smartassery, and having just seen "home alone", i retort in a very loud manner something along the lines of "i'd rather kiss a toilet seat." my mother swept me up and took me outside where my other grandparents laughed their asses off along with my mom and dad.  
  Finally, after years of lesbianism, I was successfully seduced by a guy... We stayed inside, on my futon, for 2 and a half days. That morning I finally went outside the house. The paper's headline was about the decriminalization of sodomy. Fuck.  
  working for an activist citizens group of mostly vegans and veganwannabes i  inevitably walked in with a meatball sub not being aware of my compatriots views on the sacred cow do you know how much energy it takes to grow the grain and feed to make that cow grow to the point that it becomes the ground beef blahblahblah i know these guys they all have immaculate lawns do you know how much energy it takes to grow your fucking lawn i have always wanted to say but instead i say my eyes are in front and i have opposable thumbs which says  predator and so everything including you is on the menu then the silence and the horrified looks ah the top of the food chain        
  "Don't send empty submissions you punk-ass bitch! You see a button and you just have to push it, right? Well you pushed a button, one of my buttons. If you would like to contribute, please do so, but I dont like weeding out bogus submissions, I'm too busy crushing ice for cocktails.  Now go back and play nice."  Hey! Fuck you! Excuse my cat jumping on my keyboard before I could post! I'm sorry! I just love this website so much... I get crazy sometimes!  
   Best Friends  Best friends for fifteen years. He helped me through a divorce; I helped him through a divorce. He helped me through some major crisis; I helped him through a suicidal depression. Then, one day, I desperately needed help, and he was in a position to provide it. Just that one time, he left me high and dry. Next time we bumped into each other, he greeted me warmly. I silently stared through him until he gave up and walked away. I didn't see him for nine years, until yesterday. He was overjoyed to see me, and asked how I was. Me: "What's it to you?" And walked away. I guess I've been known to hold a grudge for a while...  
  What kind of cruel trick has god played on man whereby everything that tastes so good, that one could gorge oneself on, results in either obesity or early death?       
  Not mine, but worth sharing: Towards the end of my senior year in high school, our class had a huge casino party.  It was really nice- blackjack tables, girls in cocktail dresses, dancing and prizes  in the ballroom of a fancy downtown hotel.  We all got shitfaced, as was the style at the time. My best friend, whom we shall call "A" won a raffle prize of $100 cash.  Afterwards we celebrated by having an afterparty at a friend's house and drinking more.  At the height of the party, A's fuckbuddy comes over and the two of them leave for some "alone time" in his car. Party's still going on, people still coming and going.  A and said boy come back inside and some guy says to A, "Hey, congratulations on scoring those bones!" A says to leave her alone, that her sex life is none of anyone's business. Silence. The guy looks pretty embarassed and says, "Um, I meant the hundred bucks you won tonight."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Third day on the temp job and I'm bored to tears. Outside across the quad I can see the maintenance guy up on a ladder, painting. So I page him and put in the number of the local radio station. Slow careful climb down, clean shoes, make way inside to phone...stomps back out looking really pissed. Next page gets him Dial-A-Prayer. More stomping. Next page, moviefone. I thought he was going to have a seizure.  And the dumbass never thought to turn off the pager.  Think of the things I could do if I applied all this energy toward good. Nah.  
  When you are ten years old, the phrase gastrointestinal problems doesn't really come into conversation that often. So, when I visited my grandmothers house in West Virginia every summer, I didn't have a name for the horror that annually occured. In retrospect, the term "explosive diarrhea" more apt.   Without fail, I would arrive at my grandmother's farm and would be immediately  stricken with cramps and would bolt straight past the open arms of my gramma and into the bathroom.   One Sunday my grandmother took my brother and myself to her church. I was uncomfortable about being so far away from a readily available toilet. But, we were in the Lord's house, so, there was solace. After the invocation and about two hymns I felt a rumble somewhere between my stomach and my ass and I knew something evil had penetrated the sanctity of this temple. So, I began to make my way from the pew out to the isle and then (hopefully) to the nearest bathroom. But, that was not to be. With the same terrible force as all those other times it came. Except with more terrible force then ever. I...shat my pants. I was almost out past the last human obstacle in my path toward the isle and quickly grabbed the backs of my shorts to keep from any of the fecal matter from escaping and sulling the floor (or the clothes of any unwitting church-goers.)  I made it to the bathroom and tried to clean up. When I came out, there was my grandmother... to chastize me. As if it wasn't bad enough that I just shit my pants in church, my grandmother was yelling at me for it. Where's the justice in that. Thanks a fucking lot grandma!       
  After the very bad wreck I kept asking everyone, "Is he drunk?" The trooper's response was, "No, he's just elderly".  He was 62, the idiot who ran the stop sign, and I don't consider that old. I was 59 at the time and screamed that information at the trooper.  The trooper said, "Ma'am, you don't look 59."  WTF? So I'm a good driver and not elderly because I didn't LOOK 59?????????  
  Typical raging party in college.  It's on the top floor of this building on the main street in the small town.  Me and two friends are drunk, need to piss real bad but the line is a mile long.  So, out the window we go to the roof of the building next to us.  It's raining and we figure, what the Hell, who's gonna notice down on the street?  We all whip it out and start pissing in the rain.   The one guy without an umbrella notices and looks up.  He starts yelling and calling us assholes.  We laugh and zip up.  He never could find the right door to the party.  We win.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know a guy: who never had luck with women. Ever, even though he bought them (including me) very expensive things, like violins and palm piolets, out of a "get girls" slush fund set up by his grandmother. Then he got on the internet, and banged a seventeen-year-old masochist.  he broke up with her and met a Canadian chick with genital warts over the net. The Canadian took a greyhound from Winnipeg (yes she's one of those) to South Carolina, illegally, since she had no job prospects and wasn't legally allowed to emigrate. So he's living with a Canadian illegal alien with genital warts he met over the internet, with whom he aborted a daughter. True story, unfortunately. Whenever you feel bad about yourself, just think: you could be this guy. It helps me, sometimes. ~puck~  
  My roomate sends the rent check each month. More often than not, late.  I finally figured out not to answer the phone 'til the 5th or 6th day of the month.        
  I've been having sex with this one guy  anytime we're single for about three years now. I met up with him right before I was going over another guys house, a guy I had seen for a little bit but we'd broken things off.  Anyhow, the first guy and I were doing it doggystyle, and he pulled out and came all over my back, and in my hair(and then went back to what he was doing.  God I love a man with a girl's stamina).  Anyway, as I was driving to the second guys house, I combed the cum out of my hair.  Later in the night, the second guy is playing with my hair. "Gosh, your hair is so soft." "Yeah, I used a new shampoo." Heh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am required to attend all the schools sporting events in uniform to keep order.  Well I was getting my self some nachos and a pop when this thick haired red eyed stoner walks up to me and askes me if i want to buy some weed.  i look him in the eye and ask do you know Im a cop.  he  looks at me closer and says  ohhhhh......you wanna buy some weed.  Needless to say I confiscated his weed and went to the station to enjoy it with my fellow officers.  
  MY ideal death is the most amazingly thought out plan. It's my funeral too. I want to take my wife/girlfriend/whoever is willing, and fuck her to the point of climax  and dive into a volcano timing it perfectly so that I hit the molten rock in time of orgasm. we would be a miracle.  A wonderful pornographic jesus made of liquid rock a solid fleshy beauty. I can't wait to see it on T.V in hell.  
  "I'd like to take someone from the 1950's. Like, some 15 year old kid and show him the Internet. 'GOLLY GEE LOOK AT THAT DONKEY HAVE SEX WITH THAT LADY'"   
  I ate a Subway sandwich too soon before a race once, and ralphed it all up afterwards.  The black olives were still in there, not digested at all, still the exact same shape.  I don't get olives on my sandwhiches any more.  
  Those morons across the street have panicked since the news report said that because of a Xmas tree shortage this year, live trees are being stolen from private yards. They have a really nice evergreen out front they planted last year, and to defend it, they have tied up their retarded dog to the trunk.  I go out every night and feed the dog a nice size pile of lunchmeat and leftovers, mixed with a bunch of laxatives.  They still have a lovely tree, surrounded by festive piles of dogshit.  
  So, I'm watching Pulp Fiction, and it comes to the part where Christopher Walken is telling the little kid how he got the watch out of Korea. Whenever I watch that scene, all I can think of is:  I wonder what kind of fucked up diseases you can get from taking a watch out of some guy's butt and shoving up your own?  
  For the past two months i have been trying to trane my butt to take a shit 5:15p.m. after work instead of its usual time in the morning after breakfast.  For now it's just being a rebellious asshole.  
  Went and saw Lord of the Rings this weekend.  Large crowds, full theaters.  Had gas this weekend. Large farts, full of odor.  By the second hour, I had a 3-seat buffer in every direction.  
  I lost a bet with a guy once and his prize was getting to kiss me. He held me down, jammed his tongue into my mouth, held it rigidly in there for what felt like hours and didn't move it at all. In an attempt to either give him a hint or push his tongue back out of my mouth, I started moving mine around.   Later he told me I really seemed to be getting into it. I'm sure he felt like a big stud but that is the #2 worst kiss I have ever had, closely following the one where the guy kept belching orange juice and onion fumes into my mouth.  
  wait wait wait  hurl i throw the snowball as hard as i can and it finds its target dead on  i learned then that i was an idiot for six years old or not nobody but nobody throws snowballs at a police car in front of their own house        
  Do guys that have pimples on their back gross you out? Of course they do because that is disgusting. Also you guys out there we don't like tapered jeans on our men. That was so eighties and so out now. It is terrible to see a good looking guy that can't dress. What a waste!!!  
  I never had a father to teach me all the things I need to know in life.   That's where lowbrow comes in.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My motorcycle's name is Neptune.  It is a 1981 Yamaha XS850 Special.  I am utterly, unhealthily obsessed with it.  I work on it, maintain it, restore it, keep it well-fed and safe, accessorize it, and generally put more love into it than any sane human being with a social life would.  The other day I was riding to work in midtown Manhattan, as usual, when the city bus in the lane next to me decides to make a wide, swift lane change at a green light.  BANG.  CRUNCH.  The bus stops to make sure I'm ok, which I am.  I pick Neptune up and search around for wreckage.  I find one random piece of metal on the street, grab it, and stuff it into my saddlebag.  The bike looked fine and showed no signs of malfunction, so I finished my ride to work so I can inspect it further.  No damage at all, not a single scratch anywhere on the bike... so where did that metal chunk come from?  I noticed a bus, identical to my attacker, parked at the stop next to my bike.  I walked around to the spot on the bus that smashed into my baby, and noticed the non-mangled version of my chunk of metal sticking out of the side.  That piece of metal is not right here atop my monitor at work...  I have never been as proud of all the work I have done to Neptune, as I was the day he beat up a goddamn bus.  
  At the liquor store I asked the gentleman if they could order a particular type of wine and keep it in stock. "Certainly" he replied with a smirk "if the great state of Mississippi carries it." I know this will be the longest two years of my life.   
  Have you ever woken up and realized that you're not only in someone else's bed in someone else's house, but you're in another someone else's clothing?   Worst thing: they're the opposite sex and about 1 foot and 50 pounds smaller than you...  
  I have had five 'serious' boyfriends since I was 14. I am now almost 20.  *The first one, A, is my best friend and lives happily having one night stands with other males every weekend. *Next is S who is now married to the girlfriend he had before him and I dated.  *D is next. Scott's best friend. Lost my virginity to this one. He's a junkie backpacker who spends his nights in a youth hostel that is above a pub in a small town in Australia.  *G is next. I cheated on him with a 22 year old who was also my uncle's (by marriage) brother. You can guess how that relationship ended.  *The last one, J, lost his virginity to a girl who has the same tattoo as I do last year when I was in Australia having sex with a 30 year old whose little sister was in my ceremics class when I was in the ninth grade. J and I were dating at the time.   Do you think there is something wrong with me?   I think it's the guys fault.  
  I can hear people in the kitchen laughing, and my skirt is unzipped. He's  throwing papers off the desk and scrambling through the drawers. "What, is this guy a monk?!" The door opens.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Sitting in my car at a light outside the show...  Look to the left and spy a cute girl stepping off the opposite curb, tits jiggling in all their unharnessed glory. It was apparenlty too much stmulation. She reaches up with one hand and grabs a tit and gives it a couple quick squeezes.  She takes a couple more steps, looks up and sees me seeing her.  Her hand quickly drops, a smirk crosses her face, and she looks at me like I'm some kind of perv.  Hey, I'm not the one fondling myself while walking around in public...  But thanks to you, now I am the one fondling myself while driving around in public.  
  I'm at a Dead concert at an open air football stadium, loaded to the gills on mushrooms, weed, and Sam Adams. It starts raining like a mutha, they have to clear everybody off the field because there is lightning all over the place. Of course we're all too f'd up to go inside where everybody is packed in like sardines, football stadiums arent meant to hold twenty thousand in the hallways, especially paranoid stoners like us. The rain stops, and the show continues. I gotta piss. Too scared to get up and wander into the hallways to find the can and be lost forever, I stay in my seat. And stay. I can think of nothing but the pain in my belly. I guess the wave subsided enough for me to brave the walk to the bathroom. As I walk, the pain in my kidneys is damn near unbearable, it has been about 8 hours since we started drinking and I have yet to piss. I find a bathroom and quickly run to the urinal. The room is completely flooded from all the rain and rain-soaked deadheads.(at least I hoped it was rainwater) I disregard the flood and wade through it. It goes up to the top of my shoes. I don't care. There is nobody else in the bathroom. This is the best piss I have ever had in my life! Then two guys come at the same time, piss, and leave. I'm still pissing. Then four guys come in, two of them wait while two of them piss, then they take their turns, and they all leave. I am still pissing. One more guy walks in and starts pissing, by now I am just looking all over the room, the ceiling, the walls, the flood, then I see him. He just says"damn!" I say, "Yeah" I finally give 'er a shake and zip it up. "Now THAT was a piss!" I still wish I had a stopwatch for that one. Personal best(?)  
  Thought I'd stop by my boyfriend's shop and found it odd that the door was locked.  I was able to see through the blinds that he was using the shop-vac to give himself head.    A few days later, I was less than pleased to discover that he had moved the shop-vac to his apartment -- with its wooden floors.    So I'm competing with the shop-vac. Do I suck or not suck enough?  
  After months of visiting the brow, I finally saw how it had changed my life. At the mega-market (those clubs with gigantic jumbo sized versions of pretty much everything, like Costco), I stared at the 4-pack of K-Y, under the 72-packs of condoms (which reminded me of LaDeeFrickingLa's posts), in front of the chewable vitamins for kids.  I could not help but laugh my ass off when I saw that big (Maybe 3 litres?) can of L wen Brau beer. Nobody else got the joke... I thank this site for making my life much more than just the 9 to five boredom and dissilution it usually is.  
  My lowbrow moment cam just today, when 42 of Suck's successful requests were referred to us by http://www.lowbrow.com/~tjay//thtml/suck.html.  Thanks for your continuing support.        
  My senior year in high school, I m talking to my friend s girlfriend.  Her:  I m not taking shop next year. Me: Why not? Her: I made the varsity cheerleading squad and I can t do both. Me: Well, what s the problem?  Her: Can you see me running a board through the surface plainer in a cheerleader outfit? Me: I imagine a lot of people would see .  Two minutes later her boyfriend finally pulls her off of me and calms her down.  For the last few months of my high school carrier I was known as the guy who got beat up by a cheerleader.   
  i told that prick not to take my cardboard box.  i told him 5 or 6 times not to touch anything in my cubicle.  the hooker took it anyways.   after 2 minutes of steeping in fury i went to his office and ripped him a new one...at the very top of my lungs...while everyone else in the office did casual walk-bys to hear what i was screaming about.  now no one likes me here.    but at least they stopped touching the stuff in my cubicle.  
  I thought that it was just me, but then I found out that "Om mani padme hum" really does have a scatological meaning.    
  The breakup went alot better than it could have, but it still wasn't peaches and cream.  Luckily, someone up there was looking out for me, and a box of doughnuts awaited me when I got back.  
  My Dad is a prick.  I always thought he and I would get into a fight one day.  He is getting better in his old age but it seems like I will always be pissed for the way he used to be.  Recently he developed a blood clot problem so he has to take blood thinner medication.  So if I hit him he would probobly bleed to death.  I feel cheated.  
  You know, suprisingly, I dont have to be too drunk to take the dare "hey man stick the neck of this beer bottle up your ass"  I just need access to lube and 10 minutes to "ease it in"  
  i have a destructive friend he has a clot on his liver from drinking i try to quit smoking all the time but everytime we hang out he calls me nicky jones and waives my brand of cigarettes under my nose i always take one and i always buy him a shot of makersmark we will both die because of and in spite of each other thinking the other is the devil being unable to resist        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of the more hideous things I regularly put on the subject line of an email:  Pus-filled penis bursts and extinguishes flaming scrotum.  
  This morning as I drifted into awareness, I was noticing all around me.  The light filtering in through the curtains was reflecting against shiny things in my room and the walls were glimmering from that, the rain was softly pattering, with thunder gently rolling.  I was warm and it was beautiful.  And then I noticed that I was picking my nose.  I shrugged and continued.  
  Got stabbed in the throat tonight. Oddly enough there was no malisciousness behind it. My first thought was: Any blood? and How much? Second thought was: This is going to cause some problems for my sex life.  
  In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.  These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.  Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.  
  One time in like 8th grade, I jammed my knee in gym class and had to go to the nurse.  She was young, attractive, but didn't know what the fuck she was doing. She was on her knees like feeling my knee and stuff, above and below it, when I realized I was wearing gym shorts and just boxers under that. I thought it was cool when she almost grabbed my dick instead of giving medical attention, but alas, it didn't happen. I heard she is like a substitute teacher now...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you built a scale and a teleport device into a cellphone, you'd be the ultimate small quantity drug dealer.  
  Your room smells like dad's house said her brother we'd be fucking for 2 hours prior.  
  it was my first time at a gay club...not that i'm homophobic its just not my style... and i found this lighter on the floor.  and it worked.  that makes me happy... later i see 2 guys fingering each others assholes.  then i begin to wonder how clean this lighter is... i still have it.  its a good lighter.    
  A secretary at work has a wrap skirt with a tulip front. When she sits the slit opens and there is a clear view all the way up. All the guys at work visit her when she wears it as she doesn't wear panties!       
  Did you ever remember any of your high school teachers looking grumpy Friday morning? Did they ever snap at you for what seemed like no reason?  Did you ever think, "I can't talk to him in the morning, he's kinda rude"?  Did you ever think that I might be fucking hungover you worthless pathetic little shit?  Fuck you and all your dumbass questions.  You are retarded and your mother should have swallowed.  You should still be a hard spot on the dog's fur not a pain in my ass that I have to deal with every God Damn Day of my life.  I fucking hate my job and my life.  I wish capital punishment was legal still.  At least after kicking somebody's ass I'd feel better.  Fuck kids and their morning cheerfulness. Bitches.  
  its a guilty pleasure of mine.... ive had it for quite a while, whenever no one is around i slink around the house and indulge in my dirty little secret.... yes, i listen to bad gothy synth music  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when I first heard about ER, the tv show, I thought it was a show about people who stutter.  
  She came and went a way but my eyes were still waiting  What i will always remember is those sweet delicate nipples.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         imagine wearing dentures and teaching a roomful of highschool students the crusty wench whined at me from the tv imagine having to explain yourself to your grandkids with that on your resume  
  Sometime in 1996, somewhere not too far over the Atlantic Ocean, our primary jet engine goes out. The pilot announces that the only route for survival calculated by him and the ground crew is a forty five minute arc in the direction of Brussels. The plane turns into an offbalanced washing machine, and a horrible noise resonates through the cabin. It shakes everything.  A stewardess, guided by a much more advanced knowledge of such situations than the rest of us, wisely pukes in panic and runs screaming down the aisle.  To comfort the passengers, someone else in the crew pushes in a tape of Mr Bean that plays over all the TVs hanging from the ceiling. "Hey," I think, distracted. "I've seen this episode on PBS. When he opens that laboratory door, all this blue shit is going to explode like a bomb." Mr Bean proceeds to open the door, and the experiment blows up. Then the plane whips to one side, the TVs swing in the opposite direction, and the screens and overhead speakers break down into complete static as all other light sources in the cabin lose power.  That's when I know I'm going to die.  
  i worked at this tshirt shop during the summer,one year we made t shirts for people, did lettering, and custom orders well my boss was taking all the payroll money and gambleing with it.  two of my paychecks bounced when they weren't i was making good money, though but aside from the paycheck bouncing, he'd accuse me of taking money if we were ever short, he'd question me numerous times so i decided "fuck it, if he's gonna accuse me of stealing, i will." so i made myself somewhere between 20-30 shirts over a period of like, three weeks.   some are tshirts of bands, sayings, cheesyness, etc.  and even now, months later, i feel like i have a brand new wardrobe  did i mention when i quit, i just never showed up and totally screwed them over? probly not, that isnts as good as taking all their shit and making it mine  
  So me, my brother and sister go out drinking at my sisters college. We all get really wasted and crash at her apt. me and my brother crash in her roommates room (cause she is not there) I got the bed my brother got the flip-n-fuck. I the middle of the night I hear him walking around the room tring to find the door. Then silence. Then I hear what sounds like water hitting various materials, and then it gets close to me. I sit up and see my brother walking around the room pissing. I stopped he before he pissed all over me, but man he pissed all over this girls clothes, books, bags, desk, and shoes even the flip-n-fuck.   He when back to sleep and when he woke up he didn't remeber a thing just wondered why he and everything was all wet.   I never told him     
  Believe it or not, there's actually a place called Hell. There's probably several, actually, but I've been to one.  It's on Grand Cayman Island (of all places), and is a big formation of jagged grey rocks in the middle of a tropical paradise.  They have a place for taking pictures, and a post office. That's it. And it's pretty much entirely funded by the fact that most tourists want to go there, send their mother-in-law a postcard that's actually postmarked from 'hell', saying "Wish you were here".    
  Spent a week walking around, pointing at people and singing, "Ha Ha!" like the kid from the Simpsons.  My girlfriend slapped me, not the kind of slap to get my attention, she bruised me and I cut the inside of my cheek on my teeth.  Don't blame her a bit.        
  For a wedding present, I got my mother a roll of Duck(tm) brand duct tape.  Only the best for my family.  
  Not only was the time smokin crack with Cory Feldman short, but homicidal as well. That man sure knows how to strangle a hobo.  
  I don't ride the 30 Stockton, yet another infamous San Francisco MUNI bus, any  more.  I get on the bus at Columbus and Lombard, sit down and prepare for the ride to  Maiden Lane. I'm meeting a friend who slaves away in one of those posh retail  palaces, we'll have lunch, I'll go down to Media Alliance and look through the  job bank listings.  The 30 Stockton runs through Chinatown. Things happen in Chinatown, things that  don't happen elsewhere... As usual, about two stops after the bus turned off of  Columbus and onto Stockton Street, the bus filled to the limit with Chinese, the  driver telling one woman "NO MORE ROOM. NO MORE ROOM! GET OFF THE PLATFORM!!" A small, hunched, toothless man with a large plastic garbage bag, loaded with  some kind of cardboard box. As the mass of riders slowly oozes towards the back,  the little man's ass comes firmly to rest against my face. Cheek to cheek, I  guess.  The bus gives a moan and lurches towards movement. The man's ass bends my nose.  A block crawls by, the mass of people jiggling like Jell-O in a bread pan. The  sack the man is holding makes a sound. I can't tell what it is. The man's ass  jiggles like Jell-O, millimeters from my lips.  The bus lurches to a stop. No one gets on or off.  The bus starts moving again.  The man wiggles his butt.   It hisses. His butt, that is.  It now makes that sound you get when you buzz you lips together, you know, the  "Fart" sound "brrrrrppppppphhhpppp".  The man announces, in his own language, something to his friends (family)  huddled towards the front. He smiles a toothless smile and his friends (family)  shout back something that sounds scarily like encouragement.  The bus enters the Stockton Street tunnel. (If someone tries to tell you San  Francisco has no public urinals, point them here.) The sack the farting man is  carrying becomes agitated as we enter the relative darkness.   It clucks.  No one hits the bell, the bus does not stop until it's reached Union Square, my  destination. I get up from my seat, bumping the farting man's sack. I push my  way to the doors at the back and step out into the relatively clean air of Union  Square.  I'm standing at the curb, waiting to cross the street, when a cabby rolls down  the passenger side window and speaks to me.  "Hey ma'am? Yeah, you. You know you got chicken shit all over yer shoes?"    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
   If I had the money...  I think I would buy as many video and computer games as humany possible. I would spend all my time with my pretties, having servants bring me meals.  They would also have to bring me fresh clothing and a fresh chair once or twice a day. Three or four times after mexican food.  
  One summer my best friend went away to Germany. I hung out with her boyfriend. I think I was babysitting him in a way.  She didn't call much or write and he was very sad about it. He was all puppy eyed. I used to tell him it will be okay, she'll come back. One night we bought beers and went down to the old port. We sat there drinking, very silent. After a couple of hours and too much beer he took my hand and we got up and into one of the boats. We made love and everything was different. When she came back neither of us called her. I'd like to think neither of us did.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's nothing quite like the feeling of realizing that you've been up for 36 hours and the drink that your drinking isn't getting you any more drunk and your nose is too clogged to do another line         
  to maintain forma  we walk into a party of these three hot women we all wished were lesbians so we could watch them have at each other  they werent but its a nice dream anyway after about an hour or so they start going around the room and ask each of the guys at the party to pull down their pants so that they can get an ass picture in the buff huh so whatever ive mooned people for less so there you go click throughout the night they were collected snapshots i did notice the s was avoiding the whole gig and asked him what was up figgering he had a honking ass zit or dangling hemorroids or some shit dude says he last party the trio threw they had those disposable cameras and i took a couple of pictures of my ass and if they found out that it was me they will be bent so what their getting tweny plus ass pictures now whay would they mind well says he cos i took a picture of their toothbrushes sticking outta my ass and it hadta take at least a week to get the picts developed so they uh dude you mean you let them brush their teeth with your rimjobbed brushes i call d over and said that s is avoiding getting his ass photoed they gangtackled him lucky bastard and then when he admitted it tey beat the shit out of him lucky bastard  
  No matter how beautiful you think she is, someone, somewhere is sick of her shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hanging out with my brother-in-law (who seems to be a walking lowbrow moment...) when he enlightens me with this bit of wisdom:  "Jerking off in the shower is just gross, and I really hate cleaning up the mess that lotion leaves. I personally think that using a sock is the only way to go."  I had another beer in the hopes that it would erase the image...  
  some people just should not have sex.   the very thought of these people bumping and grinding and writhing to climax disturbs me almost to the point of nausea.   yet, i still think about it.   does that make me a pervert?  
  I turned on the barbecue before lifting the lid, only to find a small mouse scampering around in flames on top of the charcoal.  Instead of removing his carcass, I just let it burn down to the bones and then cooked overtop of it.    What?  I was hungry.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We saw her fast asleep on the couch in the lounge with her butt in the air.  My friend and I giggled and conspired to fling mayonaise on the rear of her pants.  When she woke up, we'd tell her  what Miguel (minger) did while she was asleep.  She could check in the mirror for proof, if she wanted.   So I got some mayonaise in the cafeteria and layed it out carefully on the spoon.  I was just entering the lounge when we came face to face.  Hiding the spoon behind my back, I waved bye.  The moment she passed me, however, I turned around and launched one desperate mayonaisey fling.  The sound of mayonaise droplets hitting her leather jacket was loud.  She turned around with a look of shock on her face.  Her entire back was covered in a fine mayonaise spray.  I laughed.  When I was done lauging, I apologized and helped her clean up.  Man, high school is fun.  
  For your information:  It takes exactly as much effort to remember to look before sitting down as it does to remember to put the seat down in the first place.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once I was in Dallas for the annual OU/Texas rivalry with a bunch of guys from some fraternity. We went to this drive-in movie place where they show porno movies after midnight.  This one movie was like a bloopers feature. Said actress was blowing said actor, you know rubbing the guys cock all over her face. I guess they mis-timed and the guy shot her right in the eye at point blank.  Like a true "professional" she kept right on working.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know those unsolicited AOL upgrade CDs you get in your mailbox each month? - make great coasters. And, if you're a crack shot with a 12 guage, challenging 'clay' pigeons.   
  I decided to bless my friend with the joys of lowbrow tonight while we were chatting in IM:  GirlVinyl: http://www.lowbrow.com/index.html justinT: is this, like, your journal entries or something?  Oh god.   
  Do you ever wonder what the cats and/or dogs think when they see you masturbate?   dog/cat "I wish i could do that too, i am so sick of licking mine"  
  My mom and I grabbed some food at Dunkin Donuts and drove away. While we're pulling out of the parking lot, I hold her coffee for her. We roll out onto the street and ten seconds later hit a pothole. Scalding hot coffee sloshes out onto my hand and leg. "Aw, fuck!" I yell. "Oh - shit, sorry!" says my mom. She takes it out of my hand while I writhe in pain. "Oh, I'm really sorry," she says. I reflect on how nice my mom is. Then we hit another pothole and this time the coffee spills all over her lap.  Fuck you Brighton, Massachusetts.  
  When I was a little kid I used to think that if you were satnding up and wearing a top hat, and you sat down super quickly, the hat would stay suspended in mid air for a second.  
  One time I threw up spaghetti into my bathroom sink. It was still totally whole, and it was 6 hours after I'd eaten it. I was horrified and surprised.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For the person who doesn't know the rules of casual sex:  1: If you get emotionally involved, you are dead. I mean that. It's rule one, and for my money, it's the only rule that really counts.  2: Call them at work and talk dirty. That's always fun. Especially if you catch them in a meeting. Or have sex in their dorm room. Or have cybersex. Get all wild and crazy with the handcuffs, too. You want to shit in his mouth, you go right ahead. It's all about the gratification.  3: Establish if they have a signifigant other. People with wives and kids tend to be a little more reserved. Until you get their pants off.  4: If you have a signifigant other, don't get caught.  5: Everything about the person except their genitalia becomes unimportant. Great taste in music? Whatever. Nice big rack? Now  that's  important.  6: Casual sex gives you leeway to be a bastard and not care. If you don't call her for a month and a half, that's perfectly okay. You are going for a booty-call, not a relationship. See rule 1.  7: If you're interested in any of the above, drop me a line. I'm up for it.  
  Dave and I sitting around getting stoned.  He's looking through some outdoor hunter magazine.  Dave:  Jesus listen to this - for a couple of thou you can go to South Dakota and shoot buffalo - domesticated buffalo on this dudes ranch.  Fucking rich yuppie assholes.    Me:  Yeah they ought to have a place in Alaska where these rich bastards can club seals in privacy.  No less lowbrow for being likely or possible.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was pulling out of a parking spot, and nailed some parked van. i backed into a fucking parked car.  the worst part was that about 2 weeks earlier my family had been laughing our asses off about my grandma backing up into a car and that she should have her license taken away.  
  I was on the couch screaming and whining about my poison ivy as they held me down to stop me from scratching. The resolution reached was that they would put ice on it.    "How does that feel?," he said.     "Good. Maybe you could scratch it,     with like, the corner of the ice."    laughter. and more whining.  
  Is it a step backwards to be in the shower masterbating to a chick you messed with along time ago who at the time you thought was disgusting but now seems kinda hot?     A...    friend...wants to know..  
  She: Hi, I'm calling on behalf of MCI and I just wanted to know; are you happy...................so if you'd like to change long distance carriers...  Me: (cutting her off) What color are your panties?  She: (stutter stutter) What?  Me: (as if to a 4-year-old) What...color...are...your...panties?  She: (that valley-girl shocked exhaling sound thing) You have absolutely no right to ask me that sort of thing.  Me: Well, you're asking me questions, I think it's fair.  You want to know if I'm happy with my long distance carrier so you can convince me to switch and get you money, I want to know what color your panties are so I can incorporate them in the fantasy I'm having of you before I come.   I don't hear from MCI any more, and in a small way, I feel unloved.  
  LowBrow moment:  I was sitting in math class one day, and I really had to fart. (stupid Raisin Brand) So I though "Theres 20 people in this room, no one will know."  So I let out a beatiful silent killer. I stank to high heaven. Took bout 3.4 seconds to catch up to the person sitting next to me. She turned around, and asked me what that smell was. I told her it was the teacher. Now if that want lowbrow enough: After our laughing was over, she says "Thats some nice cologne he's wearing."  I pray she was being sarcastic.  
  Now a friend of mine promised me he posted up a particularly embarrassing moment on lowbrow that he wouldnt share with me in person. Maybe he lied. Maybe Im unlucky. But Ive been here for 6 days now, I feel like Im on a bad acid trip from the fucked up shit Ive read but still nothing. ... Ive heard about the guy sticking a q-tip in his dick at least 8 times now. ... What is it with that fucking guy, the first seven weren't enough.  
  Thank GOD James was a security guard.  There is a little raggedy pool hall right down the road from me. It is frequented by rednecks, immigrant workers, and trailer chicks.  There is a small group of immigrants who have become pretty good pool sharks, and decided they were gonna run their game on me and James.   We won the first couple of games, and a small amount of money. Nothing big. Before I knew it, the pot had grown to a sizeable amount. Somewhere in the $1000 range. It was my shot, and the immigrants left me with NO shot.  God's light shone down upon me and the ball drropped, right where I needed it.  I reached over to grab the money, only to hear the sound of a knife opening in the corner. Apparently, God's light was turrned off now.  I looked up to see one of the Mexicans pointing a very large knife speaking softly in Spanish. Not being a Spanish speaking person, I figured it to mean "You have really pissed me off".  James pulls out his wallet, flashes his security badge, and yells "INS...I want to see some green cards NOW!!!!"  It got real quiet, and the one with the knife slinked back into the corner he came from. Several apologies were passed our way, and they scurried out of the hall.   I really think James saved my life that night.   I bought him a beer out of gratitude.    
  I'm hungover and at work wishing i could strip the clothes off my boss and do her like I should.  Instead I sit in my cubicle downloading free internet porn and wacking off to it under my desk, while listening to some sexy breaks.  So yeah, Im on DCraves, wanna make out?      
  6/6/02  9:03 am  Helmet tearing through "Broadcast Emotion"   Reading moment after moment.   Autocad and the current deadline in the background just in case the boss walks past my door.  $50 grand a year and life doesn't get much better.  
   My One-And-Only Acid Trip. Take 2  After the horrifying night, I woke to birds singing in the sunlight and jumped up exultant to still be alive. Later that day, I was sitting in the pub, explaining how horrible it had been to my nasty Italian friend Silvana Maria Bernadetta Cioconni (I love saying her name in full): "And there was just this amazing pain in my chest! And every heartbeat was my last one!" I laughed in recollection of the silliness of it all. Van: "But what if there  was  something wrong with your heart?" Instantly back into it, full-bore. I begged her to call an ambulance. She called a taxi instead and took me to the hospital. They weren't impressed by my drug-induced hippy hyperventilating, but ran a ECG anyway.  Minutes later, they gingerly transferred me to a gurney, fairly ordered Van to get some of my things from home, and wheeled me into a ward, where I spent the next three weeks getting over a life-threatening case of viral pericarditis. Sometimes, you really need nasty, sharp-tongued friends, I guess.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a roommate my sophomore year who I had known for a year. We were always together my freshman year so i thought i knew what i was doing.   Have you ever lived with a bi polar, bi sexual, manic depressive, 14-pills-a-day-roommate?  I think they need a support group for something like that. It didn't get really weird until I found out that every time she saw one of my friends on campus, she would tell them, "Please don't tell Stacy that you and I talked, she'll get mad at me."  Imagine my surprise when my friends started coming up to me and asking me if I was beating her up.  
  As I waited for my turn to be called in for my interview to my dream job, my nerves began to get the best of me.   The receptionist commented on my white eyelet sundress, as she led me into the office. My stomach began to tie up in knots, unusual reaction for me. I shook the executive's hand and sat on the linen couch, and chatted away, showing off my personality, even flirting a little.    I walked away feeling I had bagged the job. I changed my shoes as I got in to my car and caught my reflection in the chrome of the adjacent car in the lot as I bent to tie my sneaker. I had started my period during the interview and bled  all over the backside of my white dress.   Horrified I thought of the of white linen couch I had been sitting on.  Needless to say I didn't get the job.  
  dr:  have you had a rectal exam recently?  me:  uhh, not by a professional.  dr:  that's pretty funny.  me:  I've been saving that line for years.    
  If I had a hammer???  I'd hammer in the morn'in??    You inconsiderate fuck!!  If I had a damn pistol you wouldnt hammer in the morn'in.  #$%#$ six goddamn a.m....  #$#@  what the hell kinda shit IS  that??       
  She said she wanted to move to the bay area.  When I asked why, she said, "because that's where the rest of the cool storytellers are."  how could i argue with that logic?  
  is there anything more annoying than the middle class, white gangsta rappers that they recruit to work in the fast food industry today?  Ah, 'scuse me Snoop Doggy Style can I just get my fuckin orange julius?     
  Once, as a boy of 12, I had a masturbation experience I'll never forget.  I lubed up with some Dial liquid hand soap.  Mid-masturbation, the soap started to dry up.    I added more soap.  A few minutes later, I came with the great gusto of a 12 year old, shooting my load across the bed.    Everything was right with the world.  Until three days later when the skin on my dick scaled up and started to peel off.  I thought I was going to lose my dick that day.  I wanted to go see a doctor, but I was deathly afraid to tell my parents.    I decided to wait it out.  I stopped masturbating for at least a week after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after a nite of drinking i made a truly clear and well reasoned decision.  i decide to tell my wife of 6 years about an affair i had with a neighbor, also married.   then, after i brought to light the fact, i attempted to take it back as nothing more than a pathetic grab for attention.  the low point came when i enlisted the 3rd party in this sordid mess to help me represent the first addmission as absurd.  there we where, the 2 of us, guilty as sin, trying to tell my wife that it was a bad joke.  lying to the point of ridiculousness while she was totally in the right with her responses.  very low  
  Overheard I walked through Wal-Mart, shopping for toilet paper.  A mother to her less than adolescent son: "I don't like WWF, I like WCW."                                                  
  I ate some sashimi in Tokyo once, that made me itch all over, swell up like a balloon, and turn beet-red. I didn't notice the visual portion of the experience until I got up to take a piss in the middle of the night. I caught a look at myself in the mirror and then my girlfriend walked me to an all-night clinic where they gave me some benedryl in an IV. What a weird night...  
  You know you masturbate too much when your mom/significant other has to snap your tube sock over her knee to get it in the washer...  ...you need a twelve step program when she uses your shirt for an ironing board.  
  Talking with my boyses Wig about Scottish expressions. I explain the Scottish term for intestinal disorders that have you sitting on on the toilet until your legs go to sleep. "The Skitters". Wig suggests: "I think over here they should be called the 'sneaky poops', because they're always sneaking up on you".  
  sometimes i'll do coke and drink all nite and will sleepwalk.  my girlfriend has to get me to come back to bed.  and i never want to fuck her...i just do it anyways because i know that if i keep giving it to her she'll give me head when i want it.  i'll eat her pussy and she will quiver from orgasm when i'm finished and then i fall asleep .... she likes to give me head while i stand up...i think i love her  
  I've shit myself a time or two, also.  Felt a rumbler of a fart coming on at work one night and lifted a leg to get better resonance. oooops... a bit wet.  Waddled to the john to check things out. Sure enough, I'd stained the back seat up pretty good. I'm sitting there on the pot wondering how to take care of the problem. I ended up cutting my  underwear off with my pocket knife and flushing them.   
  My roomie thought it would be funny to write on our board that I was masterbating. Jokes on her cause I really was.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My freshman year of high school, on weekend nights when my best friend and I would sleep over at one of our respective houses, we would make the 15 minute walk to blockbuster at around 11pm to get a movie.  We would take one of those 'soft porn' movies, take it out of its box and swap it with a comedy, such as 'Funny Farm', then put the 'soft porn' movie back in its place with 'Funny Farm' in the case.  Then we'd pray like hell that the person at checkout didn't open up the box to check out the movie, or that they simply wouldn't notice.    Months of planning.  Flawless execution.  It was the perfect crime.  
  The man sitting to my left asked how I knew the groom. It wasn't a long conversation. Desperate for discussion, he asked what I did for a living. I told him I lived off the fortune my father had made by patenting a color. Intrigued, he asked what color my father had created. "It's called Malaise. It's kind of hard to describe." He wanted to know how you make money by patenting a color. "Royalties," I told him. Then I said that I didn't really have a head for the business.  I hate weddings.  
  When I was in college, my roommate was a SERIOUS alcholic.  He would consume at least a bottle of vodka a day.  (Not good vodka, the $8/Liter variety).  He would wake up before class so he could tie one on enough to kill the hangover.  He always went to class with at least 4 shots in him.  One night he came in drunk and crawled into his bunk.  (I was passed out in my bunk, and he was loud enough to wake me from that.)  I fell asleep again.  About two hours later, I heard a loud crash.  Opening one eye, I find that he has fallen out of his bunk backfirst onto the chairs below.  The chairs are back-to-back, making a spine-seperating wedge.  As he rolled off the chairs onto the floor, I recall my inner dialogue:  "Damn, he's not moving.  He's got to be dead."  "He woke me up, the bastard!"  "I should call someone."  "I'll call someone in the morning."  Then I drifted back to sleep.  I guess typical of drunks, he was completely uninjured by this.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friends and I were all really stoned and driving down Ventura Boulevard (aka one of the best known streets in the US).  I was driving my friend Tim's car because he was too baked to handle it.  Instead, before we left, he grabbed a couple of oranges and some hard acorn like things.  There was this old guy, probably about 60, standing on the corner of a street.  Tim goes, "Watch...", and suddenly I see this big orange go flying out of the car.  It hit the guy right inbetween the eyes.  A simultaneous, "Oh Shit!", and I look back to see the guy on his knees holding his face.  A few hours and a lot of laughs later I say, "Think about it.  We were going 45 miles an hour and you threw that thing pretty hard at his skull."  Tim goes, "Yup."  That must have really hurt.  
  "Is your mother's drinking a personality trait or a problem?" he said, as we walked through the woods.  As I looked up I noticed how much taller than I am he was, and although his question seemed so preposterous, I felt compelled by his sincerity to attempt a response.  And then, without thinking, I said, "well, she's drunk 13 hours a day on weekends, you do the math."  Truth hurts sometimes.  
  Last semester, i got a 3.74 GPA  Pure good luck, I'll admit it.  A few weeks ago, the treasurer for Friar's Club (who we all vote for) had to resign due to a low GPA.  Naturally, with the budgets due, they were in a fix.  So, the advisor pulled me aside, and said "You are the new treasurer"  No vote, no check, no choice.  Today, i missed the budget meeting.  Pure bad luck, I'll admit it.  When he asks me why, I'll tell him... "You don't get a 3.74 GPA and still have time to be the officer of every other club you are in... Those kind of grades take skill"  Little does he know, luck is one of my many skills.  
  His hand on my hip -- proprietary. His mouth on my mouth -- sweet, deep.  migration to the bed.  clothes gone.  his teeth grazing my ear.  his cock pressing against my thigh.  I want to get fucked.  I get fucked.  Yay!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have become a mucous machine.  It is coming out of nose and my eyes.  Really.  My fucking eyes are full of snot.  It's digusting.  When I blow my nose or spit it out after I cough it up out of my throat I have found that there is often blood in it. I think I should be worried now because if bloody snot starts coming out of my eyes then I'm pretty sure the end is near.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work as a dominatrix.  It comes in handy when I can't think up a Halloween costume.  One year I tried to convince my fuck buddy to go as my slave.  He refused because he was trying to pimp some girl, and didn't want to wear a mask.    I waited till he was really drunk and whipped the shit out of him in front of her.    She called me the next day.  
  A couple friends and I were drinking at the bar.  We then decided to go to 7-11 to pick up giant bottles of water.  We left and started to walk down the street when we saw a bum heading towards us.  Rather than letting him blurt out his bullshit rant about how he wanted spare change, it dawned me to tell him that my bottle of water was actually vodka.  So I asked the bum if he wanted it, I told him it was magic vodka and that you wouldn't know it was really vodka.  He took a swig and we started tapping the bottom of the bottle as he was bringing it down.  He then fell over.  hmmmm... guess that magic vodka has quite the kick.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If anybody here knows I-5 from Sacramento to LA, then you know that it is just about the most desolate freeway in Cali (aside from I-10 from LA to Arizona).  So, when you're driving this road alone and without a radio, your mind tends to get creative.  Well, the creativity of my mind had resulted in an erection that couldn't be ignored.  So, I reached into the glove box, pulled out a rubber (no mess, no tissue, no eating it like on another post) and went to town.  After I came back from town, I tied a knot in the spent piece of latex (so as not to spill) and tossed it out the window.  Rule #1: Be aware that slipstream will put things you throw out the window directly behind you. Rule #2: Observing Rule #1, check rearview to make sure there is not a red, new model Dodge Caravan behind you before you throw a used condom out the window of your car.  
  tee hee hee the selfish and juvenile joy of a secret joke that only i know the punchline to been infront of the screen too long this week where did all the people go questionmark         
  I came up with the concept of freezing time, while you could still move around and do stuff.  I talked to my friends about it, and found most of them had come up with the same idea for themselves. They would move around and look up girls skirts, one said, and another had the idea of a remote control to unfreeze hot girls, make them all horny, and then do a little sex sex sex.  Huh. When I came up with it I was just trying to think of a way to kill the people I hated without getting caught  
  when the shit is up to your neck you could wait a little while longer and see if it does actually hit your nose  or you can move your lazy ass he obviously needs more verifiable data before snapping out of his coma        
  Not to say it doesnt matter.... because it does.  Especially when they laugh and tease you because your penis is 2 inches or less.  Kind of like a stump.  ... oh well.. I shall continue my life, as my master feeds me everyday.   ..and I  bark!  bark like never before at those hoes, they damn well know I'm the Jonhson's family pet.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at QuickTrip, standing next to the Hot Dog treadmill, trying to decide on a bottle of soda when this fat chick walks by and exclaims "Free Wiener Whistles!"  After a moment of terrified confusion I realize she's commenting on a special offer poster on the wiener treadmill for a free Oscar Meyer Wiener whistle with a purchase of said  wiener.  I commented, "There are a lot of interpretations to that comment"  Fat chick grins and says, "Well, sometimes you just gotta blow something."  I left her giggling in front of the Pepsi cabinet.  If I were a chubby chaser, I probably could have gotten a blowjob out of the deal...why God, why is it always the fat chicks?  
  Either our language or our culture needs to be expanded/improved so that there is a polite way to say:  Stop talking now, because I am going to stop listening.  Im really not interested in being your friend, please stop calling.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i always expected the ratio of backrubs to blowjobs in college would be a lot closer to, say, 5:1.  right now its something like 15:1.  these are not good odds.  
  My brother told my mom that I had thrown poop at him. (I was maybe 10.) She asked me if I did. I said yes.  What would you do with a dingleberry besides throw it at your little brother?  In retrospect I could have lied to her and said it was dirt.  
  I have masturbated myself into this state of being so desensitized that I have become difficult to please in bed. I think I will learn to type with both hands from now on.  
  it was on the redeye from vegas to new york where i noticed a woman, frosted hair being drawn back from her face by french-manicured nails, reading a well-worn bodice-ripper. she noticed my glance. "sweetie," she said. "you don't look so good. wanna mint?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Got banned from my favorite channel on mIRC, for MENTIONING that i'd been drinking beer today (not some PC channel mind you - #punk)  Got bored, tried to masturabate, but couldn't.  Now i'm not sure what to do.  I'm female by the way...  PS - I feel bad about not leaving a real email, but if you can connect me to my earlier post today regarding being drunk on good friday, feel free to email and i'll post my real email address on lowbrow, confessing all my dirty sins...  and i mean my REAL address, not the adress i use for lowbow...  Cheers!   
  Confession, since no-one I know will ever read it: I go home from school at lunchtime. What my friends don't know is: I masturbate every day at home, at lunch.  
  "You're boring.  I'm done with you"  Two weeks later. After sleeping with four guys and realizing she was nothing but a hole to stick their dicks in. After gaining what looked like 30 pounds. After losing all her friends for being a cold-hearted bitch.  "You were the best thing that ever happened to me.  Can I please have another chance?"   Now I believe her when she said I had a big dick and long fingers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was in love with someone else.    "what's your game?" i asked him.  he mumbled, "well, i like you, the conversations we have.." [and here i interrupt to point out that we had fucked more times than we had engaged in conversation] "...but you know, i've been seeing someone on and off for a year, i'm ten years older than you..." he tried hard to come up with a good third reason.  "do you think," i asked, "that if you weren't good in bed you'd be here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  Going to get my tax return prepared, I walked into H & R Block, where the receptionist directed me to sit in a chair along the wall. About six or seven other people sat along either side of me, all of us waiting to have our name called so that we could be seated at a desk with an accountant.  One by one, people rose and were seated at one of the desks in the row of desks next to us.  After a few minutes of waiting, one of the accountants looks at all of us sitting in the chairs lined against the wall. She says "next" and indicates with eye contact who the lucky person to come to her desk will be.  The only problem is, her eyes point in different directions.  One by one, each person in the row of chairs stands, and she admonishes "not you! YOU!" And looks sternly at the next person in the row of chairs...at both ends!  Finally, I am the last person who has not yet stood and been rejected.  I stand, and she says, "Yes, it's your turn."  How embarrassing! I couldn't tell she was looking at me because her eyes were both pointing in opposite directions and I was sitting in the middle of the row...  
  --I saw mention of this in another post, but I thought I would add to it.--   You re sitting on the toilet and you feel it leave your body and even hear it hit the water, but when you look down in the toilet there is nothing there to be seen but water. I call this a "phantom turd". If you go to wipe after making your deposit and see nothing on the paper after wiping, the you have just experienced what I have deemed the "act of god". Taking notice is one thing, but I figure naming these occurrences is low brow in it's own right.  
  Whenever I shake someone's hand, I always wonder how long ago it was they wiped their ass.  I wonder if they know I only use one play toilet paper when I wipe mine.  
  Witness to a Perfect Lowbrow Moment:  I was in a rockband during college to make ends meet: Once we played at an open air Pig Roast in the middle of nowhere to a hoard of raging crazies. Our stage was two hay carts in front of a huge dirt edifice that surrounded the entire field. Our lights were two pick-up trucks, lights on, aimed at the stage. The night wore on and thanks to doses of speed, booze and whatever else we could ingest, the band played on.   It was getting really crazy...a truly weird scene: hundreds of leering lurching people, some coupling behind the dirt edifice, some attempting a lewd form of dancing, dirt everywhere...the majority of the crowd completely wrecked and howling lustily at, what seemed at the time, the ecstasy of the moment. We were buzzing along on some song, the PA at full tilt volume, people everywhere...absolute pandemonium..  ...I happened to notice that one individual was enjoying the full effects of his buzz: he found it amusing to simply run circles around the stage, full smile and laughing loud enough to be heard over the din of drunken music. Once and a while he would stop just outside the beams of light from the truck headlights, jump into the darkness and reappear again in the light, stopping to stoop in full gut laughter. Then back to running around the stage. If you saw the scene your self, you would notice that member of the band was literally following his progress around and around.   All this time the singer of our group was lost in drunken, frenzied, pathetic rock god repose...complete with dramatic gyrations, bends, twists and groans, oblivious to anything.  The song was nearing the end and the music began to crescendo, building momentum, climaxing....All of sudden the singer came out of his stupor, turned to me, threw the microphone on the stage and declared to no one:  "I am outta here..."   He took two steps back and LAUNCHED off the stage into the air. He was a big athletic guy...so his efforts at airtime were manifest. The fucker threw himself  upward and outward into space, arms and legs in front of his body, amplifying the full effect of inertia. We were literally looking UP at him from our vantage point.   And then, and I swear this is true, here comes the Running Circles Man, laughing like a hyena, head back and running at full bore.  The singer, also with head back, screaming, arms and legs in front, began his downward arc.  They were oblivious of each other.  We, of course, recognized the significance of the moment and held the last note, cymbals crashing, amplifiers raging until the very moment of impact.  When we finally recovered from our hysterical laughter and looked to the ground below, we saw the singer in a fetal heap, completely unconscious. Already, some kind souls began to peel him off the ground..   The Running Circles Man jumped up and immediately began running a Zig Zag pattern directly through the crowd, flailing arms above his head, screaming incoherently. He found the line of darkness past the truck lights, dashed out of sight and was never seen again.    At that very moment, when the entire unmoving crowd was stumped into silence and absolutely nothing stirred, our drummer hit one single, definitive cymbal crash.  Funniest fucking moment of my life.   
  Postmodernism: the method in which one makes a simple concept complicated, and complicated ideas incomprehensible.  (Or at least, that's how I define it.)    
  While in San Francisco, a bum pulled a package of hamburger out of his jacket and tried to sell it to me.  
  I went to the proctologist the other day because I was bored and I figured I ought to see what all this anal nonsense is all about before I'm so old that I actually HAVE to go.  I don't really have any another proctological experiences to compare my visit to, so I don't know if what happened is legitimate, standard fare, but when he reached into a drawer and pulled out an ice cream scoop, I left.    
  shit, now im to the point where lowbrow has such a grip on me that when i go out, i see things and think "that would make a good moment.."  and drugs have such a grip on me that i never remeber the shits....  
  i was masterbating in my room, and i had just put a porn video in. i was starting to get all into it, and i hear footsteps. i know that its my mother, by the way that i can hear her high heels click on the floor. so i think, should i just go really fast and get this over with, or wait, and let her come in the room, and see her while i still have an erection. i decide its better to see her with an erection than it would be to see her while i have cum on my hands,and a used napkin that looks a bit torn up. so i quickly make the decision to unlock the door, and then turn off the porn. here she comes, the foot steps are getting closer, and closer to my door, then...KNOCK KNOCK. UH OH, the porn is still on tv. so i frantically push the stop button, but accadentally hit the rewind button. i tell her to come in, and i hit the stop button as fast as i can right as shes about to take her first step in the room. BUT NO...i accadentally hit the button TWICE so that it pops out of the VCR. So what do i do? i talk to her, and act like im tired, hoping she will walk out of my room, and not look at the VCR to see the video sticking out. Shes not leaving, so i say, "Mom, can you get the cats out of my room, there really annoying." so she says yes, and gets one of them out, but the other one wont leave until my mom walks out first. so she gets out of my room, and i quickly push it in, and feel that i am safe.but then i realize that when you put a video in the VCR it automatically turns goes on. so i quickly push the stop button, write as she comes in. and she doenst notice a thing(i dont think)then i kick her out of my room, as nicely as i can.  
  then a vessle popped in his head listen says he you might have it all wrapped up in a neat little package and know exactly what every lover needs and what the problem is of every lover whos ever dumped your self righteous ass but you have never licked the sweat off the small of her back when shes too spent to try one more time and she sleeps like a baby  you spoo and snooze you stupid ass and you wonder why they avoid you like the plague easy buddy says i hes already having a tough day claire dumped him just an hour oops you think i d have grown accustomed to the taste of my own shoe by now so much so that i would forego the banter beforehand        
  I'm what I term "festively plump", and like most teenage girls, I have a body image problem. I also have DD/E cup tits.   My best friend and I came up with this little confidence booster I'd like to share. Every time we see some stick-thin, anorexic, absolutely fucking gorgeous girl whose body we'd kill to have, we look at each other, look down, point at our respective chests and yell, "Oh yeah? Well I'VE GOT BOOBS!!!"  Try it sometime. Now doesn't that make you feel better?  
  i stare at the cover of Disney's The Little Mermaid. I see a cock smack dab in the middle of the picture.  Disney has some fucked up people workin for them.  
  Just what is so wrong in having posession of your loved one's body for a few hours?  Why do the marriage vows mean nothing after death?  That's the final gift of love, folks.  It's not burying her with the wedding ring or grandma's old necklace that makes the difference -- it's leaving your love inside her forever.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At a yard sale, I found a bunch of doll clothes, undies included. At the same time, we have far too many stray cats around our house.  So now when I leave one on a doorstep, I dress it up first. But tastefully, of course.  
  It's amazing how many girls dont actually mind if you randomly grab their ass or tits. Although the ratio of girls who don't care to girls who do care is a little skewed... I recommend wearing a face shield or crotch protection when you're testing this theory.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was sitting at his kitchen table, quietly feeling sorry for myself, because of the next days gyno appointment.   my boyfriend of almost a year says..."wait, why are you going again?"  me- "'cause i need a physical for work"  him- "can't you go to a regular doctor?"  me- "well yeah, but i want to go on birth control too..."  him- "why?"  oh shit...is he trying to tell me something?  
  A friend and myself are leaving the parking lot listening to the local classic rock radio station.  My friend, while viciuosly headbanging the dashboard exclaims, "I love Journey".  I pause.  "This is Boston", I reply.  "Really?"  At this time I'm laughing my ass off.  The announcer comes on and says, "That was Foreigners "Feels like the first time".  I was quiet the rest of the way home.   
  a friend of mine liked to call obnoxious women "ankles". this would always cause them to stop their bitchy antics and look at him dumbfounded.  "ankle?"  "it's about two feet lower than a cunt"  
   Luckiest Woman In NY  Late night, driving down one of my favourite roads, the Taconic Parkway. Road is empty, except for a gorgeous V-12 Jaguar ahead of me. It suddenly goes dead -- lights out, everything. Driver pulls over. So do I. In 1978, there were probably 10 Jaguar mechanics in all of New York State. I'm one of them. I get out, thinking that this is one lucky driver. Jaguars in those days were like gorgeous racehorses that come up lame every time they go for a canter. I knock on the window. Woman inside looks utterly terrified. She won't roll the window down. I ask her to pop the bonnet (hood) and lend me a flashlight. She pops the bonnet, but says she doesn't have a flashlight. She's probably lying -- just doesn't want to roll the window down and doubtless get raped. What the hell -- I'll do it in the dark. This is one of the most complex engine compartments in the world, but I've always said I could work on them with my eyes closed, so here goes. I already know what the problem is, anyway: Jaguar patriotically uses Lucas Electric (motto: "Get home before dark") equipment, and there's one fat little connector in there that always joggles loose, killing everything. I feel for it -- yup. The lights come back on. Lady cries: "Could you close the hood?" I do, and she pulls out, burning rubber. Some of that rubber runs right over my foot. Welcome to America.  
  I was standing in line at 7-11, impatiently listening to the two fat girls in front of me having a conversation loud enough so that the whole store could here them.    Fat Girl #1: "I ate three times today already"  (this was at 3 in the afternoon)  Fat Girl #2:  "Really?" (As she checks out the Doritos and nasty hot dogs rolling on the grill)  Fat Girl #1:  "Yeah.  MAC Donalds, Popeyes, and Del Taco!"  Now, you might think the lowbrow moment has already occured, but no.   Fat Girl #1:  "My man has so much money!  We can eat all the fast food we want!"  My head almost exploded.   
  I had a profound moment to share that I didn't feel was suited for Lowbrow, so I tried epiphanydotcom.  It turned out to be a just another corporate site.  As I clicked the Back button, I realized that, whether lowbrow or profound, I have only this place to share my life's moments.  Like it or not, we have a sort of informal family here and I will not leave it again.  
  Once upon a time you could get pulled over by a cop, while drunk and driving, and the cop would ask you to do a little dance and such to prove or disprove your ability to manage a large auto. Reciting the ABCs while walking toe to heal on the shoulder line with your head tilted back and your eyes closed and alternatingly touching your nose with your right, then left, then right index finger was a particular favorite of the Suffolk Co Cops.  We used to practice, all the time. Drunk, straight, high, whatever, just so that when it was your turn, you'd be ready. Jim was hands down, the champ. Jim and I were driving home, playing "garbage nite" (driving from one side of the road to the other, hitting trash cans, trying to hit as many as possible, without missing any; record:13@40mph) and got yanked over.  The cop asked him to get outta the car after seeing the vodka half gallon on the back seat. The cop asked Jim to do the toe to heal dance. Jim gets excited! "I can do this!", he squeals and rips the ABC's like a kid on cocacola. Then, for extra credit, he spins around and recites the "CBA's" as he called it, reciting the alphabet backwards. He was the king! The cop was VERY impressed and commended Jim on his ability! We got to drive home. Jim has had 3 DWIs and 4 DUIs since that day. Never got in an accident, not once. Still bitches about the laws changing, some 15 years later.  
  When I was in grammar school, the popular kids would always pick on us nerdy people with no friends, so one day, one of them comes up to me, and asks me if I wanna join the 'Pen15' club. Being stoked that they were even talking to me, I agree. They say they need to write it on my forehead. So for the rest of the day, I'm walking around with a rendition of penis on my forehead, totally oblivious to the fact. Until one of the teachers points it out to me, I then run out of the room crying, wash it off, so I have this big red mark on my forehead, come back to the class room, and promptly punch the girl that wrote it on me. Sitting in the office for a half an hour really was worth it, but now that I think about it, I really didn't have that much thinking power when I was little.  
  "coffee shouldn't be this way," I reasoned.  "It should be an experience: something you sit down to with a good book or a game of chess.  It shouldn't be a punishment for unatoned sins."  "You want cream with that, honey?" the red-headed girl behind the counter asked, gum popping and freckles freckling.  "No... thanks."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         LAW: It is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder.  COUNTRY: USA / STATE: New Jersey   CITATION: 2C:39-13 Unlawful use of body vests.   ACTUAL: A person is guilty of a crime if he uses or wears a body vest while engaged in the commission of, or an attempt to commit, or flight after committing or attempting to commit murder, manslaughter, robbery, sexual assault, burglary, kidnapping, criminal escape or assault under N.J.S.2C:12-1b. Use or wearing a body vest while engaged in the commission of, or an attempt to commit, or flight after committing or attempting to commit a crime of the first degree is a crime of the second degree. Otherwise it is a crime of the third degree.   2: LAW: Unless a customer orders it specifically, it's against the law to serve margarine instead of butter at a restaurant.  COUNTRY: USA / STATE: Wisconsin  CITATION: 97.18(4)   ACTUAL: (4) The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer.   im wonderin, did anyone ever know that crap existd?  
  In a fit of boredom, I turned on MTV, and it was that year book program.  It said something about how women were changing the face of rock, and the following were some of the most influential females in the music industry.  Then it proceeded to show clips from Britney Spears videos.  From Mandy Moore videos.  No.  What the fuck.  I don't have a problem with those girls.  Not at all, if you like their music, more power to you, right on.  But they haven't changed a thing.  They aren't revolutionary.  Well, maybe they have changed something, but it wasn't for the better.  I'm not some crazy feminist, but if you want a female paving the way, talk about Ani DiFranco.  Tori Amos.  Aretha Franklin.  Hell, even though I'm not sure what I think about Madonna, she opened a few eyes.  Talk about the women in early days of blues and jazz.  When Britney Spears is considered revolutionary, the world has become lowbrow.  That was my rant, the end, have a nice night.        
  i asked my dad if i could borrow his car. sure he said. i failed to tell him that i was going fishing in colorado for two weeks.  
  We're in bed together, for the first time. I intend to stick to my policy of not putting out first time I sleep with someone. (Guys: unless you're really into one-night stands, you should try it sometime -- she could hardly believe her ears, and implicitly trusted me about everything from then on. However, my non-voting member has  never  been happy with this arrangement, and he was arcing around and tapping out Morse code on her thigh. She reached down and stroked him affectionately, like a puppy. Me: "Do you know Morse code?" She laughs: "No. What's he saying?" Me: "Nothing I could repeat to a lady..."  
  you know whats intensely disturbing...i live about 5 minutes away from the lowbrow offices.   - unity90@hotmail.com  ***************************  I'll tell you what's intensely disturbing...that there are lowbrow offices. I imagined some little shack on the outskirts of san fransisco with a bunch of big thick cables running out of one wall, and some cheech and chong type thing going on where a door opens and a cloud of weed smoke floats out.  
  This one guy that I was fucking kept calling me all the time until one day I had enough.  Me:  "Look, it's not necessary to call all the time, I'll still fuck you."  Him:  "Oh, I just thought..."  Me:  "Hope this doesn't come as a shock, but I want your cock, not your meaningless conversation."  Yeap...he stopped calling after that.  
  Pornstories are so badly written, and I know I can do better.  But everytime I start writing one, in the middle of the story the sexual tension becomes too much and I just jack off.  Dammit! There goes my Pullitzer once again...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He was 72 years old. Been working for the company for years and years and finally the company retired him. He came back as a contractor. He said, "Just didn't have enough to do."  And, I thought, "Poor bastard."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "It can always be worse," she said.  Yeah, no shit. I know it can always be worse...  That's what I'm afraid of.  
  This morning two day-fly's were making love on my bare arm. What a moment they had! Me too, replacing myself in their moment.  
  Don't try to make hash oil when in a dorm room.  The process involves using alcohol and then evaporating the alcohol out, which would be fast and easy if I had access to a stove. Instead I just let the stuff sit by a window to evaporate slowly. After a whole week with not much progress, i decided to speed it up by pouring the stuff in an altoids can and using a lighter to heat the bottom, which worked fine until the stuff caught on fire causing me to drop the can causing the flaming alcohol to splash all over my room causing a stack of my notes and homework to catch on fire. All of this happened while my roomate was sleeping, so he awoke to see me jumping all around the room desperately trying to put out the fire to avoid the alarm from going off. luckily it didnt go off but much of my school work was destroyed in the process.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It makes me so sad when I see people censoring their own words when they post on the internet  fuck shit damn hell bitch cunt shit cock  It makes me even sadder when I see people censoring the words that MTV has taught them need to be censored  Kill? Hash? Drugs?  If you're gonna let someone else tell you what words you should and shouldn't censor, for fuck's sake don't let that someone be MTV.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've told everyone this one, so I don't mind sharing it online.    I'm studying to be a high school English teacher, and I've an internship that gets me in a high school classroom two days a week.  During my second week, a young girl came up and put her arm around me.  Fully aware of all the problems that a simple gesture can signify, I pulled away.  I am, after all, training to teach.  I noticed she was bawling her eyes out and asked what was wrong.  Sobbing, she told that her father had walked out on her and her mother that very morning.  I was dumbfounded.  Then I was just dumb--I asked the single most worst possible question a person could ask any person in this situation:   I said, "Are you sure?"      
  One day at work I was wearing my "I don't work here" T Shirt.  The CEO walked past and said hi.  He then stopped, came back to me, and read my shirt. He then said aloud "I don't work here"?  "wishful thinking" said I.  He wandered off.  
  One year for Hallowe'en I was invited to a big party and didn't have a costume. I got dressed in a really hot purple mini dress, made some wings out of gauzy material, sprinkled purple sparkles all over and 6 inch black spikes. I walked into the party, and the friend who invited me asked, with his eyes popping out, "Who are you supposed to be?"  "The Purple Fairy," I replied, grinning.   "The Purple Fairy?" He repeated.   "Yeah. You know how the Blue Fairy turned puppets into boys?"  "Yeah," he said.  With the evillest grin I could muster I said, "Well, I turn boys into puppets."  
  My girlfriend suddenly dumped me.  Being madly in love, I was heartbroken.  A couple of weeks later, we somehow ended up in bed together, making love!  I could not have been happier.  Yeah! We're back together!  Then she said: "Mmmmm -- that was ... sensual."  I was making love, but she was just having sex.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there I am, giving CPR to the drunk, high girl with the collapsed lung.  Seemed to take an eternity.  She woke up.  Came around.  And promptly accused me of feeling her up.  Her pet jock threatened to kill me.  I grabbed another beer and left the party.  When I got home, I cried.  
  This guy at the tattoo parlor was getting bacon strips tattooed on his ass cheek.  Seriously.  
  She is the bane of everyone's existance. She has stuck her fucking nose into everyone's life and made a stink about every imagined slight. She has her husband so pussywhipped he askes permission to change his shoes. Literally... I was there, I heard it. I also heard him say, on a rare occasion when she wasn't right there, that if she got in his face one more time he was going to put her lights out. A lovely, hot, sex-filled love note, written on scented lavendar paper, has been mailed to Mr. Pussywhip. Mrs. won't be able to resist opening it. Mrs. will get in Mr.'s face.  At best, Mr. will punch her ticket. At the least, we'll all hear the fight clear down at our end of the block.  There are some things email just can't supply.  
   A thousand years from now arceologists will dig up a Misfits album. All they'll know about our world is "I've got something to say, I killed your baby today, and it doesn't matter to me, as long as it's dead"  Better that than Ricky Martin.        
  I used to think Fellatio was a character in Romeo and Juliet.   I'd like to think I had a good education.  
  It started my junior year of high school.  Zack Morris was in a movie.  He got stoned, he got laid & he said "fuck."  Then last week he had a gun & he had joined up w/ NYPD Blue.  The final straw was last Friday w/ his guest appearance on SVU.  Zack Morris had a porn star wife.  Not only that, he took it up the ass for money.  As my childhood dreams crumpled, i wondered if maybe i just watch too much tv.  
  there was an earthquake near me recently, which woke me up. I saw things crashing to the floor and breaking and shit.  I just went back to sleep through what could have been the apocalypse.   
  tales of the video store clerk.  ok, so this guy, a polite older gentleman, is renting "alien 3" and "alien resurrection" which means of course i have to go and tell him that "resurrection" is one of the worst piece of shit movies ever made -- i wrote a better draft of the same exact script when i was 13, but that's beside the point -- and ask why the hell he isn't renting the first two (which are coincidentally two of the most awesome movies ever made, by two of the world's best oscar winning authors, sir ridley scott, and james "the terminator" cameron), but i chose to start the polite conversation (i was bored what can i say?) with "so you're a fan of the 'alien' series, huh?" to which he replies, completely seriously, "no, i'm having an orgy tonight."  the fuck?  
  3:00 a.m.  I heard the shit hitting the fan earlier.  Shouts and broken glass and the sound of his car speeding away.  I knew that she told him.  Now, hours later i stand in my bedroom window, half naked, illuminated in the glow of red and blue light from the police cruiser.  He looks up at me as they put him in the back seat.  She is crying on the front porch.    I just wonder if she told him *I* was the one.    Jesus, my life is an episode of Jerry Springer.        
  Me: Cool - Blow!     Her: Yer disgusting! That cost him plenty you know!  Leave some for the others!  Me:  If he minds, then why the fuck does he put out bowls of it???    Epilogue:  it was NOT  nose candy at all.  It was SMACK!  Who the FUCK would snort SMACK??  And worse; what kind of a sick bastard would put out something that looked like coke, would under any concept of normal [under the circumstances] look like coke, and, in fact, be SMACK! I was sick immediately, horribly, and for two days.  The worst thing is...one year later, same party, same people, i did it again!  ARGH!  The one thing about drugs is, ya really NEVER learn what fucks you up and to pass.  -A   
  I'm so obsessed with Harry Potter. I got a Gryffindor scarf for Christmas, and I never take it off.  Some chick in Hot Topic (I was shopping for my BF) asked where I got it. "Oh, it's my school scarf," I say, just to fuck with her. "It's so COOL!" she squeals. "Where do you go to school?" "In Scotland," I reply. "It's boarding school." "Oh, awesome!" she says. "Hey, I have a friend that goes to the same school," some other kid says. "he has the same scarf." "Really?" I say. "Yeah, his name's Harry fucking Potter. Ever heard of him?" The girl looks at both of us weird. I slink away.  
  I've been trying to think of a good anagram for 'Mina Eats Lubricated Cheese,' and the best I can come up with is: 'Untraceable Messiah Deceit' Alas, not very clever.  
  We had dated this girl for about four months (yes we--him and I--dated her, together). We invited her to spend a few days on Catalina Island with us. She agreed.  On the drive from the desert to the oceanside, we had a great time, just enjoying each others' company.  On Catalina, we stayed in a beautiful oceanside suite with a private balcony. That night, we feasted on steamed clams and artichokes, and drank and laughed.  We ended up at Luau Larry's, where a one-man band (with a guitar and taped back-up music) sings bar music, and all the tan, horny 30-something women come for a quick dick.  We were all having fun at the bar, when some guy comes up, starts hitting on her, and asks her if he can buy her a drink. She lets him.  I lean over and whisper, "It's rather rude of you to let a man buy you a drink when there are two sexy people right here buying you all the drinks you want."  "It was just a drink," she answers. I later come to learn she has alcohol problems.  The Guy gets even closer--may as well be rubbing his cock on her crotch--and starts talking to her "privately."  I lean over and tell him, "Thanks, but I'll be buying her drinks for her the rest of the night," and put my arm around her and pull her back toward where we had been standing at the bar. I'm normally not jealous, but that was a little much.  "What was he saying to you?" I ask.  "He asked me if you two were swingers," she said.  "Well? What did you tell him?  "I told him I didn't know if you were or not." She goddamn well knew we were not.  Later that night, after we hit all the bars (4?) on the island and took some provocative pictures in front of the Casino, we sat on our balcony and looked out over the pitch black ocean and talked. Our life in Las Vegas seemed so far away.  "I am so ready to learn. I want you two to teach me. I'm ready. Let's go get naked!" We did.  The next day, we put her on a first-class flight back home so she could fuck her ex-boyfriend and not call us for two weeks.  Two months later, she told everyone in the bar where she works that I was an obsessive lesbian and that she had never kissed a girl. Both are lies.  But we do miss her, and THAT is the lowest lowbrow of all.  
  I was talking about the results of my latest CT Scan with my friends boyfriend. I told him I was "shocked and dismayed" at the results. To which he replied,  "You were wha?????"  and sat looking at me with a blank stare.  I had always thought he was a pretty smart guy. Needless to say, I was "shocked and dismayed".  
  Commence daylight on:  Contents of pocket. One nickel. One Penny. One mashed cigarette butt.  Content of table. One pair needle nose pliers. One package Trojan condoms. One free sample roll of floss.  I (heart) the possibilities  
  I'm a college student living in a dorm and as such, I use the showers in our floor's bathroom. The other girls and I had noticed it was starting to smell pretty bad in there, and then one day one of the drains appeared to be clogged. The janitors came and investigated. They pulled out of the drain a plastic baby doll, sans clothes, smeared with feces. We had a floor meeting that night. Somebody asked, "who the hell put that there?" We were shaking our heads in silence when this really shy girl, who's pale as milk and never talks to anybody started giggling uncontrollably. After about thirty seconds of maniacal giggling, she fled the scene. Somebody said it looked as though she had just pissed her pants.  
  if you walked a mile in *my* shoes then both of us would have feet that smell like nachos.        
  Ate a fart from some guy's bare ass in Columbus, Ohio for ten bucks. Wouldn't have been able to exit the Pennsylvania Turnpike if I hadn't eaten a different guy's booger for five bucks.  
  This guy i had beenkinda seeing kept putting me off so when he finally called. I had my period...go figure...well anyways i told him before sex and he was ok with that ----the guy went down on me ------was a first for me ---good none the less.....but man he must like me if he'll go to that level ---eh?   
  I won't go my high school reunion. I avoid attending weddings.  I shun funerals and wakes. Family reunions give me a rash. Forget community meetings, block parties, and church. But I'd walk over hot coals to get there if we ever had a Lowbrow convention.  Of course, I wouldn't shake hands with anyone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A POEM-  (::ahem::)   Cigarette butt in the lint trap,  Cockroach in the ashtray,  A stripper with Ringworm on her waistline,  From the dollar bills shoved in.       
  I've figured out one of the best diets, it's called "Don't eat anything".  But never, in high school, or anywhere else was I informed that after you start on your road to anorexia (spelling?), you don't shit anything... besides a water piss out your ass that could well be a lowbrow moment in it's self.  I'll deal with it though.  I gotta get laid.  
  I was 17.  There was a girl my best friend really liked - he wrote her notes and all that cheesy teenage stuff.  I barely spoke to her, but apparently there was something about me she really liked.  I ended up losing my virginity to her a couple days after we met, and started calling her my girlfriend.  She had been living with her grandmother because her family had been driven out of their home by a gang.  The gang was after her because a baby belonging to one of them had died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) while she was babysitting.  My mom was a sucker for people with family problems, so she was quickly living with me.  About a month into our relationship, we found out she was 3 months pregnant.  I broke up with her in the hospital following her pregnancy test.  I told her I didn't love her and that it was wrong for me to let her expect things of me I wasn't going to provide.  She stayed at my mom's for another couple months after that.  Every night, she'd come downstairs to my bedroom, wait for me to finish watching Doctor Who, fuck me, and go back upstairs to her room.  I didn't even talk to her the rest of the time.  She moved back in with her mom, had her baby, and started babysitting her friends' kids.  Another one died 'of SIDS' while she was watching it.  The DA decided to press charges, and she plead guilty and accepted a life sentence rather than risk a capital conviction.  I don't think she's elligible for parole, so as far as I know, she's still in prison.  
  This guy calls up and in a business like tone, asks to speak to my former room-mate who now lives in california. I ask why. He says his Daughters cat, whom she gave to him 3 years ago is due to be put to sleep tomorrow, and he wanted to let him know of the event. My roommate has not a daughter -nor a cat.  Or does he..  
  want to enjoy a lovely evening full of Lowbrow?  Arrange to do a 'ride along' with your local police department on a Friday or Saturday night...  I couldn't even count all the laws that we must have broke while doing the old 'Protect and Serve' gimmick...  
  i ate a buck worth of change on a bet. The best part about it was when sittin on the crapper a nickle comes out and goes 'CLINK' on the bottom of the bowl.  sort of makes hangin a shit more interesting  
  i knew that my asshole boss at the  fancy french restaurant where i was a  busboy was itchin to fire me. so i hid a few pieces of uncooked fish behind counters and refridgerators. a few days later when i showed up to  work, the place had been closed for  health code violations.   
  Driving back from a week of unbridled lubrication, sun shining, 4 x 80, "The Day I Tried To Live" gladly rediscovered and shaking the doors...round a tight righthander...  ...to be met by the sight of a funeral cortege and assorted mourners outside the church. Swivelling heads and pursed lips  Turn up the music even further with a wry smile, give a cheery wave. Highway to Hell anyone?  
  So I worked as a piercer for a year, was fun and all, saw gorgeous women with their tops off and sometimes with the pants around their ankles, and sometimes women and men I never wanted to see naked in any way shape or form in my life.  Well, after I left that job I got back together with my ex.   She wanted her belly button pierced.  She wanted me to do it.  I said no because I didn't have a shop to do it in nor would I buy needles I didn't see sterilized myself.  So she went to the scummy place around the corner from where we were living and had it done.  All great and wonderful.  It looked fine for a week until it became infected.  Fast forward 2 years.  I just got an e-mail.  "My belly button ring grew out, can you repierce it?"  My reply.  "Sex or $70 bux, your choice."  I win!  
   Checkout Girl #39  She's working with the difficult customer in front of me, and gets flustered. She's obviously new on the job, so it takes a while. No problem for me -- I'm enjoying the scenery. When I get to her, she worriedly apologies, then slides my beer across the scanner. She, still flustered: "$5.39!" I look at her wonderful dark, falling hair, at her wonderful girlflesh... I pay up. She hands me my change, and I say: "By the way: You're gorgeous". She glows, blushing all the way down to her cute blouse. She smiles widely at me, showing two complete rows of shiny  braces... Eh, I was just flirting for fun, but could I get in trouble anyway?  
  I've never popped the head off a kitten with my bare hands, but I'd like to think I could if I really needed to.  
  i awoke to the sound of  "I AM NOT GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I WATCHED A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE" being screamed by my brother at the top of his lungs.  sometimes i wonder how i got born into a house like this.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         insanity is a majority of one fucking crazy is when that majority requires a recount of the votes        
   Herpetology 101      The python  has, and I fib no fibs,  318 pairs of ribs.  In stating this I place reliance  On a s ance with one who died for science.   This figure is sworn to and attested;   He counted them while being digested.     - Ogden Nash     I've spent the morning researching snakes on the Internet for my boy, who has decided he can't live without one.  Sheesh! Who knew there was yet another weird subculture of people? I thought I  knew them all.  Feeding:        ...then put a dead newborn mouse (a &quot;pinky&quot;) in the box.     If this does not work, do the same thing with a live pinky.     Next, try a dead newborn mouse which has had its nose damaged after death - it is surprising how often this is effective.     If none of these techniques work, the next trick is to try to fool the    snake into thinking that the mouse is a lizard. Wash it in water to remove as    much mouse smell as possible and then rub it over a lizard. If you do not have a live one handy, obtain a dead lizard from a reptile supplier, freeze it and use it several times.     An alternative way of force-feeding is to use a &quot;pinky pump', which is a syringe-like instrument, designed to homogenize the mouse as it is forced through the nozzle, and thus inject semi-fluid mouse into the snake's throat.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This girl in my school writes up a packet of paper she refers to as a "zine." I asked her why didn't just call it a magazine. She said that the word wasn't derived from magazine. I asked what it was derived from. Her reply was "fanzine". So I asked her what that was derived from. She changed the subject.  Lately I've taken to subtly mocking her until she cries, then laughing my ass off.  
  I just read a moment that somebody ripped off of the comic Red Meat (which is an insanely funny comic strip by the way).  I don't know which is more lowbrow, the fact that he had to rip off a moment or the fact that it made me really angry that he did it.  
  My casual "how's it going?" launched the stranger into a five-minute rant about his bad experience at a party the night before. He concluded with: "... And the worst fuckin' part was, I'd done so much fuckin' drugs and alcohol last night, and I wasn't fucked up at all.  And I was like, 'What the fuck?! I'm not doin' this for my fuckin' health!!'"  
  one of my ex's asked if she could visit me, i had just broken up with my gf, so i said yes, i hadnt seen this girl for 3 or 4 years, she came to visit for a few weeks, she ended up giving me genital warts, i made it 26 years without a venereal disease, ive slept with hookers and sluts, and i get an uncurable disease from my ex gf, go figure.  
  Nobody else wanted the brownies. They were burnt, rock hard, and oily from the huge amount of canola oil needed to cook down two ounces of quality shwag. So my adventurous lady and I say screw it and choke quite a few of them down with ice cream, granola and Busch Lite Draft in the bottle. An hour or so later, in the middle of the first episode of MAD tv, she stops laughing hysterically and bolts for the kitchen. A half hour after that, I stop laughing hysterically and realize she ain't back. Found her under the table bawling like her puppy died. She swore there had to be something else in them brownies, and "what was it? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT MOTHERFUCKER!!??" Man was that a long night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Her asthma was bothering her the other night... so what does she do?  Light another cigarette, of course!  
  So there I am; peacefully snoozing away late into a Sunday morning.  My early-rising type girlfriend calls.  We chat for a few minutes and agree to meet up for brunch in a couple hours.  Problem is, I never actually woke up at any part of the conversation.  I was still fully asleep and our conversation was simply the manifestation of my subconscious jealously guarding my sleep, trying to make her go away.  So once I'm half an hour late she calls me again and actually wakes me up and I have absolutely zero recollection of her earlier call.  She was pissed that I blew her off, but what really freaked her out was that I'd ended the conversation with an automatic "I love you" that she didn't think I could have meant.  
  Upon asking a fellow co-worker if she rode the short bus to school, she responded "I'm too tall." I laughed so fucking hard I almost got fired.  
  Went back to my parents' to visit, and of course my dad had to give me shit because I'm not as successful as my sister. On and on and on.  The day I left, I got into his computer and loaded up a bunch of bookmarks that I renamed "cute kittens" and "happy puppies" and "recipes", all routing to extreme porn and gore websites. My mom will kill him next time she wants to surf.  I may not be successful, but I'm sneaky.  
  Remember back to the days of high school, and remember that one girl who truly believed that she was the smartest shit ever. Remember her aarogance, smug attitude, and believed superiority.    I watched her pick her nose and eat it today.  
  My g/f introduced me to this Goth guy who looks kinda like the lead singer from The Misfits, only not so...um...well...attractive in any way.  At all.  He starts talking to her (they know each other), then she says "Have you met my boyfriend, >insert my name here    mandatory 10 second pause   After successfully averting the french fry I was eating from flying out of my nostril, I shook his hand (!) and proclaimed that it was good to meet him. Apparantly, that's the name he's comfortable with, and I've seen him at work with a nametag that says "Hi, I'm BOOGER!  How can I help you?"   My g/f dumped me for him.  
  I'm maxed-out on unemployment benefits. I get all of it: $405/week. Quite liveable, but the IRS is also breathing down my neck because of some silly misunderstanding. So I can't exactly have a bank account, or they would gobble it up. So I sign the checks over to my wife, who then gives me money when I need it. I let her keep track of how much I give her, and how much she gives me back. Yes -- this is the same soon-to-be-ex wife who stole several thousand dollars out of my bank account a year or so ago. Can you spell dysfunctional? can you spell codependance?  (By the way, that's not the proper way to spell either of them.)   
  Its amazing how much you don't know in the 9th grade.  Just common sense sort of shit too.  The table I sat at in my science class was no new table.  In fact, it had a ton of interesting graffiti on it, such as "pablo has a small dick" about 3 times in various places, and the most puzzling one of all..."fubar".  What the fuck is "FUBAR"?  Naturally, we turned to our teacher who, naturally,  blew us off.  Determined to get an answer we started placing "fubar" in random parts of our sentences.  "Now, this atom only has 4 valence electrons....yes Stephen?"  "Miss....thats FUBAR"  Etc, etc...you get the picture.  This went on for about a week before she finally snapped and yelled out that it meant "FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"  Of course, we weren't really.  I almost cried.  
  I bought a vibrator at one of those discount warehouse places for one dollar.  
  i think my soul mate is the person who created lowbrow.com  with my luck, he is probably gay.  
  Girls don't have to put peanut butter on our crotches to get dogs to lick 'em. We're naturally tasty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day my 4 year old daughter was playing Blue's Clues on my wifes computer, when she was overheard saying "What the fuck is this".   My wife decided to interrogate her to see what other 'bad words' she knew. So she asks "Sabrina, what bad words do you know. It's ok, you can tell mommy"  So she proceeds fuck..... shit.... Windows.....  I'll be damned, she does listen to me.  
  Someone told me last weekend that I marched to the beat of the different drummer. If that's so, who is this drummer, and why does he keeps ruining my life? I'm gonna hunt down that drummer and kick his ass.   The drummer, and El Nino, goddammit!   
  My husband and I are so addicted to lowbrow we had to get separate computers so that we could each have uninterrupted lowbrow-time.  No more waiting for the other to finish reading, or waiting for someone to get off the computer-just pure, instant lowbrow gratification.    80% of the time, we sit next to each other reloading lowbrow and laughing for an hour or more.  Then we get horny and fuck.  Don't let anyone tell you married life ruins your fun.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         February, 2002.  So I'm walking down a quaint sidestreet towards the subway and notice a grotto on the lawn of a particular house is empty. Just yesterday there was a statue of the Virgin Mary in it. I point this out to my husband. "Oh. I guess she saw her shadow and went back inside. Six more weeks of winter." I'm going to miss my husband when he goes to hell.  
  We were in his purple camaro, speeding along the 405 toward Anaheim.  "That strip club sucked," he said. "I paid $25 for a lap dance and she didn't get naked for me."  "Caveat emptor," I though.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was just a kid and my mother was on my case to clean out my closets and get rid of some shit at the garage sale we were about to have. Remember I was just a stupid fucking kid, what else did I have but a moth-eaten game of "Trouble", an electric football set,  an abused Milton Bradley's  "Game of Life" and some pristine sets of baseball cards from 1967 through 1975.  Some sly old fucker came and bought a bunch and he must have felt guilty cause he gave my Mom $20 bucks more than we asked for for a handful.  My guess is that he scoffed a couple of thou worth of cards from me, smiling the whole time like he was such a nice a guy.  I sure hope that fucker got prostrate cancer and his dick fell off or something like that.     
  It was one of those times when you'd be masturbating literally seconds from climax when something totally distracting occurs and all you can think is "Hi Mom".  
  I started reading lowbrow in 1999. In the preceding 39 years of life, other than when I was in diapers, I never once shat myself. Last week while camping with the gf, I squirted myself for the third time since becoming a lowbrow addict.  Thank you lowbrow!!!  
  Why the hell would you censor yourself on lowbrow?  Why the fuck would you write f-ck instead of fuck?  Who the fuck cares?  To quote another moment, fuck, fuckitty, fuck, fuck!  Say it loud and proud and spell it all the way out, lame ass.  And stop using those goddamn euphemisms for taking a shit.  You were not dropping some friends off at the pool; you were taking a monstrous dump.  
  3:00 breakroom banter:    ...the laughter dies down, and we bo back to reading our papers and sipping shitty coffee.  Shane sits quietly wondering to himself, " what *is* a rim-job anywho???".        
  have you ever noticed how male strippers are always the grossest looking guys?  I mean i always thought they were just greasy and had bad mullets until my friends bachlorette party... lets just say there was the run of the mill well hung, greasy stipper there.  So he starts to flop around his shit in my friends face and we thought it was gross at the time who thought it woudl only get worse.  Next day my friend wakes up to something in her eye that won't wash out, she goes to the hopsital and the doctor says she has a crab in her eye... now next time some male well hung, greasy, mullet wearing stipper wants to flop his crotch in your face think of what could be living in the well maintained pubic hair...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Glenmore Vodka represents everything that is Lowbrow on its own right.  We've got a bottle of it that's got to be two years old now, and every time we have a party and someone new (or someone we haven't gotten yet) is greatly encouraged to take a double shot of the shit, straight, first thing...then continue drinking.  Guaranteed to make you sick as hell.  Glenmore smells EXACTLY like rubbing alcohol, especially in the aged state our is in.  I'm pretty sure it would eat through the coffee table (or clear up an infection instantly), so the shots usually go on in the kitchen.  These poor fucks never know what's about to hit them, although we are nice enough to suggest that they hold their nose.  The clencher to all this is the following line, uttered by my best buddy a good while after his shot when I first thought of this scheme...it's now a classic amongst my friend:  "By the way, asshole, my throat still burns, asshole." *middle fingers extended*  
  I spent the night at Waffle House for New Years eve because I didn't get invited anywhere. Second year in a row. Some fucker hit my motorcycle in the parking lot at 5:45am and hauled ass! Three cops in the restaurant sat on their asses and called a rookie to take my useless report.  So much for tail lights. I need a truck.  
  Rant: Why is wine considered high-class, while beer is considered low-class? Both of them are primarily just vehicles for getting alcohol into your system, after all. I mistakenly walked into a wine-tasting party recently at the local liquor store (I don't drink wine, but I needed a bottle of Marsala to cook with). The place was FULL of well-dressed people trying to make slightly-slurred small-talk while swaying back and forward and leaning on objects and each other. Get real, fer chrissake! After the first three glasses or so, you couldn't tell the difference between Merlot and Mad Dog 20:20. Just like after the first 12-pack of Old Milwaukee or so, you couldn't tell the difference between that and draft Guinness. Done ranting.  
  I take my small boy down to the local hardware store for something. A circus is setting up in the parking lot! We go and watch. An enormous elephant is working with them, hoisting tons of poles and so on. Me: "That's an elephant! Isn't it amazing!" He looks bored. Then it lifts its tail and deposits 75lb of dung and about ten gallons of pee on the carpet.  That  impressed him, no end.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A message to the saxaphone-playing homeless man...  I know you can only play one song on your sax.  I know this because I sat and watched you for 5 minutes.  I know that the one song is just a flamboyant version of the "Sesame Street" song.  I was about to give you the $5 bill that I found an hour before, until I saw you call that girl an "ugly bitch".  If you are begging for money, you shouldn't call people names.   
  she stood at the door and waited and waited and waited we sat there smoking butts and watching her waiting for him hes never gonna show up you know she spun around with a glare that said murder and melted crying  as the mascara and the bullshit washed down her face         
  One night while bored at work I decided to have a little fun.  I work at a Take'n'Bake pizza place and thought a little company pride was in order.  I called up Papa John's, Round Table, and Live from New York.  All opposing pizza places that deliver, I have them do a delivery triangle to one another.  So I wait a bit after I closed (early) and sat to watch, because all the businesses can be seen from my work.  One by one they drive out and leave, on their way back they pull into the parking lot to make the delivery.  I was pretty baked at this point from sitting on the sidewalk watching and smokin.  The Papa John's Delivery man is in Round Table for a while when the cops pull up.  Apparently his ex-wife works there and had a restraining order and called the cops cause he refused to leave.  The guy tried to make a break for it throwing the pizza at the cops and running.  The bastard asked me to testify on his behalf for police abuse or some shit like that.  All I could manage to say to him was that I suggest he take lube to prison cause that shit is gonna hurt.  
  I had just come back to my father's house in Minnesota after living with my mother for 2 years.  I was just entering 11th grade, and as I have had to do many times in my life, I made new friends in a new school.    My new friend was Adam, and we found out soon that we had alot in common.    One day several months after I met him we found out that his girlfriend had been messing around with the captain of the hockey team.  Being "nerdy" kids like we were, there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it, but we were more sinister than alot of others in our group.  One night we went out and cut the power to his house, spraypainted giant penises on his car, and mailed the school a videotape of him smoking weed with his friends.    That was the last year he played hockey on the school team.  Based on the success of our little attack, we decided to do similar things to other members of the "gifted" group in our high school.  Their lifes may have been easier than ours, but it makes me happy to think about our efforts causing them to be a little less enjoyable.  To the best of my knowledge no one has ever found out about our little missions.  
  I had a wet dream about my girlfriend's mom.        
  Back in college I finally got to do this chick I had been friends with. She had the best pussy ever. However, she slept around some. Since I had health coverage with the campus clinic I though I should go get checked for VD...  Ya' know, just in case....  Holy hell what an ordeal. The student nurse had to stick me 4 times to get blood for the Syph test. Then I was put in one of the examining rooms, to wait for, get this, Dr. Thorn.  There wasn't anything in the room except this 10" long Q-tip looking device in a sterile bag. I sat there staring at that thing and finally realized....where that thing was gonna go.....  Just then, Dr. Thorn walks in. He's older than dirt and scowls at me intently. He then has me stand up, drop my pants. At this point my dick is in like negative reverse mode. He says, "Hold up the penis, please."  I fumble trying to get ahold of the peanut that is now my dick. He then takes aim like a fucking Zulu warrior and sticks that shit about 6 inches inside me. After rolling it around a few time he yanks it out. I'm then free to go.  My shit hurt for 5 hours after that. But after the acid kicked in everything was better.  My tests were clean, but I never got to bone that chick again.  
  for standing up in his wedding, we all got engraved pocket watches. i would have loved to have been there when he walked in and asked the little old ladies to put "bad mother fucker" on eight watches. when he went to pick them up, he said they called him "the f-word guy".  
  so it is my first job, I work at Baskin Robbins.  we bleach every damn surface in the place every night.  One day I drop the scooper between the barrels of ice cream while helping a lady.  It is early in the day, and the is not a speck anywhere in there, so I just toss it in the hot water to clean it off, but just symbolicly.  The woman insists on a new scoop, but this is not possible, we don't have anymore.  She gets to be a real asshole about it, so I say "let me get one from the back" and get a couple of puzzled looks from co-workers... they know there aren't any.  I go into "the back" and shove the scoop in my pants and hold it over my balls for miunute or so and pretend I am looking for another scoop.  I pull it out and remove a pube from it and walk proudly and professionally back out to the lady and ask her if it looks OK to her.  I was a hero to all fast food workers that day.  Don't fuck with them, they have the power, not you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know that someone here will eventually read this and know exactly what I mean when I mention this:  You know those benches on the Naperville Riverwalk? This is a place outside of Chicago, a suburb. They have a big riverwalk and in a break in the storefronts there are these ceramic benches that are covered with mosaic tile.  In the middle of the night, I like to go out there and hang with people when there's no one else around. The place is made to hold a million people, easy.  Anyway, if you like sitting on the benches, I am happy to tell you that once I managed to puke *all* over those things, man.  
  he told me i suck cock like a girl!  i was distressed, then felt much better when i remembered i am a girl, and he shouldn't have enjoyed it much because he is gay.  
       I was walking down the street the other day.  At 2nd and Church I saw a bannana in the sewer drain.  Damn these pants look good on me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         People from the corporate mothership are visiting the office today.  Shortly after their arrival, I excused myself to blast a dookie of monumental proportion and smell in the executive bathroom.  Careful in there, boys.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         February in New York, 1998 7 in the morning  I walk down the stairs of my husband's (then boyfriend's) parent's house. I freeze three-quarters of the way down and my eye contact with his father, standing behind the dining room table, bottle of Smirnoff in his hand, poised upwards, lips pursed and ready to kiss that fermented potato goodness.  "It's damn cold. Warms me up," he replied after he swigged.  
  8 years ago when I was in college, I was stocked by a super duper mega fat chick.  I avoided her pretty well, but one night with suspicious circumstances, I was pressured into taking her home, only to have her get on me.  Okay, so she gave some epic head that I'll never get again, but when it was my turn, I got a mouthful of the worst smelling cooter in history.  So I just finger benged her for a minute and called it quits.  She told all my friends we had sex and I never really saw her again.  
        i'm sure i awoke on time...6:45.  why is the train pulling out and leaving me here?  why can't i focus my eyes...i don't remember driving here.  2:15 am...i live a full life.  i get out, take advantage of every moment of daylight...and a lot of the night.  why, then, is it that when i get home at midnight, and know how i'm gonna feel at 6:45 am, that i cannot pass the n64 and big screen?  i guess my inner teen slacker is just dying to take over again, and i've got half a mind to let him...no, wait...i've got half a mind.  guess i've got a quarter of a mind to let him.  
  Until recently, I had a high paying executive job.  Got dot.bombed out of work.  In NYC on a job interview, I was spotted by former co-worker digging in the trash for an old newspaper.    Hell -- I was trying to save 75 cents, but this person gave me a shitty look like I had really hit the skids.  Turned out there was a gross, green, oily stain on my free paper.  I kept it anyway.    
  I liked her so much that I went to her Mormon semminary classes to get to know her. What's the lowbrow? I'm Jewish.  
  1:31 am. 17 years old, masturbating in my bedroom doorway while listening to my sister have loud sex with her boyfriend in the bedroom between mine and my parents'. Knowing that Mom and Dad have got to be hearing this as well; I mean my sister is practically yelling.  I didn't want it to end, and that was the really confusing part.  
  my tv watching could be compared to full moons, in that i rarely if ever watch television.  but on the one rare occasion i did this month, i saw a commercial that involved a family at a zoo, and the mother taking pictures of her daughter.  then she tells her son to get over there so she can take pictures of him, too.  at this point, the boy gets attacked by A FREAKING GORILLA.  yes, a gorilla reaches through the bars and mauls the young boy.  it then cuts to a car, sitting there.  i didn't have any sound on, so i can only assume it was a car commercial.  but...  what the fuck!?  
  I'm a Scout leader in my home town (big whoop, so what I'm a samaritan). Anyways, this little punk from another group was pissing me off.  He was sitting on the ground so I walked up to him and stepped on his foot. Keeping my foot on his I said "Listen you little shit. Can the fucking attitude".  He tried to stand up. I pushed him to the ground. He tried again, so I pushed him again... so the saga continues until I feel he is finally humiliated in front of all his little cronies.  Am I a bad Scout Leader?  
  it was 3 am on a monday morning.  we were having a water fight in the hall, and this girl comes out of her room completely naked and throws water balloons at us. i think we lost, but it was worth it.  
  My first experience working retail was in a huge department store, multi-levels and maze-like. Whenever I'd get bored, which was constantly after the first day, I'd wander off to one of the many restrooms and take a catnap. By the time the floor manager would get pissed enough to come looking for me and search the closest ones, I'd be back. Later I found the joys of the Out Of Order sign.  I finally got fired for never meeting my commission quotas, but it was okay, because it was in the days before sensor tags and I'd carried out three times my salary in stuff already. Those were the days, my friends.  
  I need to cut my nails before I masturbate. They were painted so pretty I didn't want to cut them. And then I reached a point where I didn't want to stop. I am now walking strangely.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my best friends in high school was obsessed with Harry Kim, the Asian guy from Star Trek Voyager.  He was her imaginary boyfriend. She wrote notes about him, and told us they were "practicing. And Harry wasn't practicing his clarinet. "Practice Harry, practice." Then she started dating an Asian guy that looked just like him. Six years later, they're still together, and we still call him Harry. He refuses to speak to any of us. ~puck~  
  Me:  What's it like being a prison bitch with hemorrhoids?  Him:  I'm going to have to ask you to leave this monastery.  
  Years ago, I was a Catholic person.  During a midnight mass at a church where the ex and I were married, the priest said, "Let us sing the national anthem to respect those who are in Viet Nam."  My ex had just mustered out of Viet Nam. We had attended the mass with three other couples. One of the men, a staunch Catholic person, after aforementioned anthem singing, yelled, "Play ball!"  I only attended the services to make the ex happy. I'd been an atheist for a long while. After that stupid event, I never, ever attended mass again to make anyone happy.    
     Sitting having coffee with a friend.  A man tells me I should be modelling.  Gives me his card; he's a photographer. I smiled thinking it was the lamest come-on ever.   But still, nice to think that someone put a little effort into approaching... I tell my boyfriend later that night about the photographer guy.  He says, "are you serious? You're not that pretty..." Fuck him. Petty, jealous fool.         
  There's this little underwear shop along the stipmall.  There's a mannequin wearing a bikini in the window display, which has been made to look like a beach, with sand, umbrella, a towel, and a couple of starfish. At night, when no-one's looking, those starfish climb up the mannequin and honk her hooters.          
  Time seemed frozen as we watched the waiter, serving platter held proudly over his head, tilt the platter, causing his customers' garlic toast to plummet to the floor. I felt a brief twinge of sympathy, but that didn't stop me from laughing like a hyena.  
  My friend and I figured she would let us do more with her if she was hornier, and porno movies had taught me that eating out girls makes them horny. So we cajoled and convinced her to let me try it out on her.   Then I got down there. And it smelled like rotten fruit and spoiled meat.  I hope that was a one time thing or I'll never have sex.  
  i was complaining to a friend about my new roommate for school and how she didnt speak any english etc etc..  blankly he stares at me and says   "it cant be that bad, i had a roomie who was scared to use the public bathroom so he'd shit in a plastic bag and leave it on the floor until he could dispose of it late at night.."  i'd only be jinxed to have a roommate like that...  
  Someone had said they should make a video game where can fight like Van Damme against Jet Li and I said they should make games where you try to make famous pornstars cum.  Think about it:  you play as either a male or female.  Start out in the amature ranks where you go rounds (one on one - two or three on one!) trying to make the other pornstar(s) orgasm while trying not to blow your load!  Multiple orgasms equal bonuses ect.  Oh man its endless.  As you win you move through the ranks of more famous and powerfull pornstars until you get to the main stain - like Traci Lords or Ron Jeremy ect.  Nobody would make such a game though.  Um. Complimentary close sponsored by Alleged Brand Automobile Insurance.  "I only pay ten dollars a  month   for Alleged Insurance."  Whoo Im stoned.  
   A Thoughtful Christmas Present  My old high school sweetheart discovers an untitled CD-R in a drawer. It contains letters and photos of various unclothed women, including some who are friends and acquaintances of hers.  Intrigued, she reads some of the letters, which serially promise the various bimbos that he'll soon be dumping his frumpy frau and spending the rest of eternity in bliss with them. This surprises her, because he often tells her of his undying love for her and his desire that they spend eternity together. Up until that moment, she had lived her life believing in love, honesty, loyalty, and a bunch of other things that she is now embarrassed about. She and I get into a quick e-mail huddle. I counsel her to suck in her gut, make him a nice dinner, and say not a word. I explain that it might take us a few months to get her ducks in a row. We quickly discover things like secret life insurance policies which would pay out in excess of a million euros. She s not named as the benefactor on any of them. A German divorce lawyer explains that if anything were to happen to him, she d get the money anyway. I get a rather predictable idea, but she quickly nixes it, dammit. We eventually decide it s time to blow her cover, and have fun coming up with creative ways. I finally suggest:  For Christmas, give him the lyric sheet of the old Christmas song:  She knows when you are sleeping, She knows when you re awake, She knows when you ve been bad and good, So be good, for goodness sake.  Leave it out on the kitchen counter, beside an old, rusty razor blade and a very small jar of formaldehyde.    
  I rose, dunked my head in the sink, opened the shades and promptly fell over. The burger joint s golden arches were less than sixty feet from my balcony, big as life. The construction crew had literally erected them overnight, and were still fussing with them.   I bumbled onto the patio in my shorts and did what anyone would do given the circumstances: started screaming at the crew.  "Hey, you!" I howled until somebody turned around. "What the hell are those?"  "Exactly what they look like," the foreman called back. "You deserve a break today."  "Did I ask for that mark of Satan?"  "No, you didn't. The burger joint did, and they're paying American, so we're doing it."  I shook my head. "Listen, I don't suppose you could take those down? Right now? I mean, I've got a few bucks."  "Forget it. The job's done."  "Don't tell me the job is done. The job is NEVER done. Say, I know a few strippers I could hook you guys up with... I'm assuming you guys are heterosexual?"  "C'mon, buddy," the guy shouted, not unsympathetic. "Be a man. Have some coffee, get dressed and go to the friggin' restaurant and complain. Maybe they'll give you a free cheeseburger or something. They have much right to advertise in an open market economy as we do."  I couldn't dispute his logic. I was a victim of the crush of capitalism, with extra cheese. I called an apology, went inside, drank a pot of coffee and got on with my day.          
  i just spent an hour and a half jacking off to internet porn.   by the time i reached orgasm i was so horny that i had achieved a trance-like state, completely unaware of my surroundings, a real no-foolin' eyeballs rolled back into my head trance.  i shot my load 5 feet into the air...  only realising i had done so when my seed rained down on me and my computer, waking me up with a start and drenching my key board in cum.  i feel so dirty.   but i know i'll be back.  
  Anyways... This is probably the most low-brow moment of my life.  Well...  In order to understand the moment, you first need a little background.  This happened several years ago...  Even before my life got more serious and I had to start caring a lot more.  I have a small scar under my left peck (breast in laymen's terms).    I went to an anime convention several years back.  Now, one thing I can tell you about an Anime convention is that there will be people dressed up as all kinds of things.  In some cases the costumes are ridiculous.  In others, they make you very, very horny.  That's hardly the issue.  The point is, these people aren't usually freaks.  Everybody is just having fun.  This particular day I wasn't wearing a costume.  I was, however, wearing a black suit with purple accents which cost me a small fortune.  Anyways, this particular anime convention was three days long.  The first day, I ended up necking with a very, very ever-so-slightly pudgy girl that was reasonable attractive.  You couldn't tell she was the slightest bit fat (and I do mean very slight) until she pulled her costume up a little bit). Unfortunately, it didn't go much farther than that.  The second day, to my disappointment, was relatively uneventful.  The third day however can only be described as fucking wicked.  It started off with me getting dressed and heading up to the building that the convention was in.  The day went fairly normally until I decided to go check the cosplay "stage" where people wearing whatever costumes gathered to show them off.  I instantly caught the eye of this petite little female dressed up as a fairy...  Anyways, I won't get into the details, but it ended up with me wasting a whole jar of complimentary-sized vaseline on her whilst working my cock up her ass. We did it three times in the ass that night.  As for the scar? In the morning she decided to put on her costume for another little fling.  Anyways.  Whilst anally pleasing her, my hand, which was very slick from spreading around so much vaseline slipped off the makeshift post I was using to keep balance and I fell on the wings (they had a small frame which snapped).  Anyways, this punctured me and ripped very slightly.  The plus side is that my cock was feeling very moisturized that day.  Eventually the scar healed. Here's the moment:  Whenever somebody used to question me about the scar, I would proudly reply: "I got this little one from fucking a blonde winged fairy up the ass."  Often I got wierd looks, but I never once bothered to explain myself.  I still have the pair of panties that she gave me to remember her by.  Sometimes I use them to whack off.  They are in a small locked box that I keep by my liquor cabinet.      
  My dad once sniffed the panties in Wal-Mart just to embarass me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm drinking coffee.  Sanka with sugar and powdered creamer.  It tastes ok.  
  "I'd crawl a mile in shit just to suck off the last guy who fucked her" he chortled out loudly.  If my memory serves me right, this guy was bisexual and into scat fetish, so it came as no surprise to me at all.  
  Caught tonight. Condom wrapper in the bathroom trash. It's gonna be lonely for a while....  
  I heard somewhere, something being said to the effect of "Let's party like it's 1985!"  Well, I don't know about you, but in 1985 I was all about eating my Rainbow-Brite cereal, watching Transformers and Smurfs, and feeding my little sister's food to the dog and denying any knowledge.    So hell yeah, let's party like it's 1985.    
  Super glue. Parking meters.  Time to get to work.  
  My brother came in while I was masturbating. Yeah, I shouldn't do that in the living room.  First thing that came to my mind, I spit out... "I'm scratching my balls!"  I'm a girl.  
  There were no more empty bottles or trash in my car My friends had thrown it all out the window at a minivan Who had cut me off in traffic and of course had unbelted kids running around in the back  
  Holy shit, I think I just had an epiphany. I was at a bar dancing with some guy.  He then wanted to take the groping and such that was going on inside to the alley outside.  So of course I go.  We get to the alley and start making out.  He pulls out the goods (which by the way were of a good size) and wants me to just start sucking him off right then and there.  And then it hit me...my whoreness doesn't quite stretch to the degree where I will suck a total stranger off in a well lit alley surrounded by bars where people are walking around everywhere.  Even in my drunken state,  I actually turned around and went back inside.  But then again, if it had been a dark alley a little bit farther away from the bar...okay well, I guess I was wrong.  There was no epiphany to be found that night afterall.  Shew?  
  I was ranting about how much I hated truckers. Those fat, greasy, speed-addled degenerates that haul whoknowswhat from state to state while blabbling nonsense on a free for all shitbox cb.  "My dad's a trucker," she said.   Fuck.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we found it..  the perfect place one block away from school an abandoned convenience store yesterday afterschool my friends and i pried off the planks boarding it up we spent today's lunch cleaning it up inside...  it's gonna be our new smoke spot.. its the pinnacle of all our teenage dreams as we were in there cleaning up, we heard a car pull up... the next thing we here is, "Alright boys we know you're in there, come out with your hands up!"  we froze in panic... finally got up enough courage to open the door. slowly we all filed out with our hands over our heads... all of a sudden there was a flash...  we saw the guy in the pickup put away his camera, give us the peace sign and speed off.... we decided that if he ever comes back we're gonna smoke him down with all of our weed...  none of us stopped shaking until about an hour later... that guy's my hero  
  Brushing burnt hair out of my head with my left hand while slowly flexing and stretching the burned skin on my right.  Don't play with blackpowder.          
  I had just had my car stolen (RX7 Convertible, beautiful car), and my superficial, materialistic, bitch of a girlfried decides that she doesn't want to date me anymore because I don't have that pretty little car.  Well... at this time, I'm living with her, in Trenton, NJ but home is Seattle, WA.  So... I have to find someway to get me, and all of my shit out of her house, and in to storage until I can find a new apartment.  So, I'm Uhaul bound.  Well... on the taxi ride to the Uhaul place, with $45 dollars in my pocket, I decide that I am going to take advantage of this brand new fake ID I've gotten for myself, and rent this fucker for a one day, local move, and take my ass home to WA.  So... 3000 miles later, (for $40) I arrive in WA, me and all my shit!!  SCORE!!  Thank you dumb ass Uhaul attendant!!  
  one of my teachers wrote a majority of the music for the Baywatch series.  one day in class, she busted out the theme song on her keyboard.  good thing we were sitting down.  Wherever you are Pavlov, fuck you and your theories!  
  My friends and I used to drag race on some open road in the country.  After completing a race, one of our neighbors came down his driveway like a bat out of hell and yelled at us, saying he called the cops.  After purchasing some paint, we went back there and wrote "This guy is a f**king a**hole" right on the highway in HUGE letters, so you could read it when you drove by at 60 mph.  The next day, my parents were visiting with my friends parents who both saw the sign on the highway.    One of them remarked, "Well, he is pretty much an a**hole."  We went outside and laughed.  
  Now here's the problem. I've been disabled, and utterly broke, and very much on the edge of existence, for the last fifteen months. Almost exactly coincides with my time on LowBrow. I've been scrabbling around, returning empties, cadging off my (soon-to-be-ex) wife... It's been taking up all my time. But now, suddenly, everything has changed. I have thousands of dollars in the bank. I have solid income coming in, I have a 'fridge FULL of imported beer, I have an entire carton of my favourite cigarettes, some prime weed is on the way. So what's the problem? The problem is: Eh, now all that stuff is taken care of (scrabbling was my entire life for a long time)... what's next? Now that I have the choice, I won't always choose to drink endless beers, smoke endless cigarettes, blow endless bowls... But it's been so long. What else is there, on the other side of that? I've almost forgotten.  
  My first freshman year of college (Yes, I had two of them) I had come back to the dorm stinking drunk.  I went upstairs to the room where two girls that I was friends with lived and passed out on their couch.    In the middle of the night I had to pee, but was so drunk that instead of actually going down the hall to the bathroom, I peed on some white storage crates containing all their food and snacks.  (I supposed it looked like a urinal at the time)  The best part about the story is that after that incident, I started dating one of the girls whose room I peed in.  We went out for 5 years.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you are constantly going on and on about how you deserve a little consideration and sympathy because you were molested by a family member, but then turn around and be bitchy about someone who whines about the same thing, don't expect a third party not to take it as an open invitation to sign the both of you up for all the incest porn lists to be found.  I'm just saying.  
  While sitting there, drunk and playing texas hold'em, my friend grouches about his sweaty ass.  To illustrate his point, he takes a napkin, shoves it down his pants, wipes his ass, and then shows us all the now wet and light brown napkin with a look of complete satisfaction on his face.  Year 2 of college is off to a great start.  
  My gf can't function while I go down on her. If I touch her while she's trying to do something else, she loses all concentration.  So she's perplexed by my ability to type, talk on the phone, order a pizza, or whatever while she's giving me head.  She believes I'm just good at doing two things at once.  I love her too much to tell her she is just not very good at it.  
  Remember the scene in "Car Wash" where two guys are flipping butter pats on the ceiling?  I tried this in a restaraunt kitchen once. All night, fling, pat stuck to the ceiling.  A couple of days later, the General Manager was pretty pissed. Apparently several of them dropped off onto him.  He was an ass anyway.  
  One time before school I found a bottle of vodka in my backpack that my friend had left there.  It was the last day before winter break, so I knew I didn't have to do anything important, so I went over to 7-11 and bought a huge gallon jug of iced tea like many people in school do, emtied out 1/4 of it and filled the rest with the vodka I had left.  I challenged myself to drink the half liter of russian goodness before I left school that day.  The task was completed, but not before I woke up passed out in the gym lockerrrom over 5 hours after school ended.  
  While at the rack of mailboxes today, I noticed the woman across the street come over faux-nonchalantly to peep at my mail as I stood and read a few of the junk mail flyers. I stepped back a pace so she couldn't really see what I was looking at and gasped "Oh my god, how great! Free!" She tripped three times getting back to her house to get her mailbox key.   Never underestimate the amusement value of making fat women run.   
  The other day my dog dragged the bong, pot, and papers out from their hiding spot and was proceeding to devour it all when my mom walked in.  I just like to imagine my mom's face when she sees my dog chewing on a bong with pot and shredded rolling papers thrown about.  Half a year and I'll be outta here.  Then she has to drive fifteen minutes to find my stash.  
  He looks so sweet in the morning when he's sleeping. His short hair is tousled and he has little lines from the sheets on one of his cheeks and I can see the outline of his sexy body under the blankets. I stood admiring him the other morning, sleeping so peacefully. Then he let out the loudest fart, and a little smile crossed his lips as he shifted under the blankets.  Holy shit, I love that man.   
  Best waste of $45 ever was the sympathy bouquet I sent to the funeral of this jerk who'd tormented me all through high school, who died in some alcohol related auto wreck.  I included the note "better late than never" . Money well spent.  
  so the rooster and i put her in a cab slipped the cabbie a twenty and told him to drive her home she sat there angry as hell at us she attempted to jump every guy at the party while too drunk to say her name she attempted to unzip pants and stripped down on a couple of accasions but was so pathetic that rooster felt really bad for her she wouldnt give the cabbie the address we shut the door and the taxi sped off you know rooster shes gonna do the cabbie he looked at me with the horror of  oh shit i didnt think of that never saw her again         
  So my friends & I went out to a male strip club last night. And I am fine with that, so long as I can watch & not participate in any way, because for some reason, male strippers who are overly friendly, creep me out. Anyways, my friends thought it would be fucking HILARIOUS to buy me a private dance.   So I get pulled over to a chair, hidden only by a small railing, and soon there is a man gyrating his crotch in my face. "Are you married?" he asks me. "I might be after this!" I said. "You're not getting the most out of this." he says. "Well I don't know what to do!" I said. "I have never had this done before," "Well this" he motions up & down his whole body "is all yours right now." And so, out of a sense of obligation, I do a little Tarzan beating motion on his chest.  So then he leans over and starts nibbling on my ears, my chin, my neck, and I start to think "wow, now I know what the gals were talking about... I can really get into this!"  But then he lifts my legs up over his shoulders and starts rubbing his face in my crotch.  Suddenly, the only thing I am thinking is: When was the last time I washed these jeans?    
  One time I took a kama sutra pocket book from Barnes and Noble and beat off to it in the bathroom, then deposited said book into the baby change station that they had in the stall.  I think they moved the change station out of there because they found too many sex books stashed in there.  
  I love that lowbrow about the guy with the freakishly long nipple hair. Laugh my ass off every time I read it. Last night I read it for the fifth time, laughing as usual. This morning in the shower I found my very own 2-inch long nipple hair. Thanks lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in Carl's Jr the other night, and there were 5 people in the joint, including me.  One black guy was on the phone with a friend of his, talking rather loudly about how long it has been since he has been "laid"... On the other side of the joint was a "Jesus Freak" who was obviously getting offended at the conversation taking place.  He gets up and walks over to the loud-talking guy and asks what all the noise it.  The black guy tells him to back off.  The Jesus Freak says that God just wants to help him. The black guy says, "Unless He wants to help me take my foot out of your ass, I suggest you mind your own business." I couldn't eat anymore because I was laughing so hard.  
   BrewPub #101   (I'm sure it seems so, anyway...)  I got just a little out of control a couple weeks ago, missing my crazy buddy Patrick who had just left town. I discover that I had enjoyed the scary moments he got us into much more than I realized. I almost got cut off. I won't go into it in real detail, but let's say it involved first trying to steal some guy's girlfriend, when they were clearly in love, then betting a couple a beer that I could steal another woman from two guys. I'm just having fun, not being serious, of course :-) They take the bet. I walk over and sit down with my beer. The guys nod in welcome, but I'm not looking at them. She smiles, a little nervously, then glances at her guys. They're wrapped up in a conversation about "small-bore piping" or some such crap, so I have the field to myself. Me: "You look bored. Which one is yours?" She: "Neither. They're just friends..." Oh yes. Made in the shade... Guy sitting next to me finally realizes what's going on. He looks at her, picks up her mood, and puts his head close to mine, keeping his eyes down. Says quietly: "I think you should pick up your beer and leave." I'm not reading the signs at all well. Me: "I think she's bored..." The temperature drops an easy 100&deg;.  He's not interested in meeting my eyres. He's being gracious, giving me a chance to back out without too much embarrasment. He: "Now?" I pick up my beer, and back out without too much embarrasment. It gets worse, much worse. Two hours later, in a bar across town, a neat lady comes up behind and hugs me. She: "Eh, you left so fast I never got my beer." The lady of the couple I made the bet with. Even worse: "I'm not drinking beer now, so this is going to cost you..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Same impossibly-pretty barmaid who had so pleasantly shot me down a few minutes before:  Me: So, you must get off soon, can I at least get you high? I just got some primo new-season weed.  She: Thanks, but no.  I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to finish work and drop by here to take me home. He doesn't like me smoking weed.  Me: What does he work at, so late?  She: He's a cop.  
  We were sitting in a little country restaraunt in the boonies, my grandmother and I. I was still comming down off the X i had taken a couple hours prior, she was rambling on about the church service she had just attended. All I could do was stare at the preacher's daughter's ass and imagine what I would do to her in that tight little flower dress with a thong. kind of ironic i guess.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Guess what: I am a rich suburban teenager who has just learned how to do drugs and am so proud of myself.  I want to share it with everyone by writing about it on this website: 'I was, like, tripping hard and my buddy Craig, like, he just all the sudden...'"  Stop. Shut the fuck up and mow my lawn you pimply shitstain.    
       My boss had a bag of "Baked Lay's" potato chips. In reference to somebody elses post about said chips I said "I had a few of those in my day."   He looked at me incredulously, shook his head and walked off. I called to his back "Um.... I was kidding."  He just kept walking.  
  I don't ride the 30 Stockton, yet another infamous San Francisco MUNI bus, any  more.  I get on the bus at Columbus and Lombard, sit down and prepare for the ride to  Maiden Lane. I'm meeting a friend who slaves away in one of those posh retail  palaces, we'll have lunch, I'll go down to Media Alliance and look through the  job bank listings.  The 30 Stockton runs through Chinatown. Things happen in Chinatown, things that  don't happen elsewhere... As usual, about two stops after the bus turned off of  Columbus and onto Stockton Street, the bus filled to the limit with Chinese, the  driver telling one woman "NO MORE ROOM. NO MORE ROOM! GET OFF THE PLATFORM!!" A small, hunched, toothless man with a large plastic garbage bag, loaded with  some kind of cardboard box. As the mass of riders slowly oozes towards the back,  the little man's ass comes firmly to rest against my face. Cheek to cheek, I  guess.  The bus gives a moan and lurches towards movement. The man's ass bends my nose.  A block crawls by, the mass of people jiggling like Jell-O in a bread pan. The  sack the man is holding makes a sound. I can't tell what it is. The man's ass  jiggles like Jell-O, millimeters from my lips.  The bus lurches to a stop. No one gets on or off.  The bus starts moving again.  The man wiggles his butt.   It hisses. His butt, that is.  It now makes that sound you get when you buzz you lips together, you know, the  "Fart" sound "brrrrrppppppphhhpppp".  The man announces, in his own language, something to his friends (family)  huddled towards the front. He smiles a toothless smile and his friends (family)  shout back something that sounds scarily like encouragement.  The bus enters the Stockton Street tunnel. (If someone tries to tell you San  Francisco has no public urinals, point them here.) The sack the farting man is  carrying becomes agitated as we enter the relative darkness.   It clucks.  No one hits the bell, the bus does not stop until it's reached Union Square, my  destination. I get up from my seat, bumping the farting man's sack. I push my  way to the doors at the back and step out into the relatively clean air of Union  Square.  I'm standing at the curb, waiting to cross the street, when a cabby rolls down  the passenger side window and speaks to me.  "Hey ma'am? Yeah, you. You know you got chicken shit all over yer shoes?"    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  so my girlfriend tells me about this person taht came into her work, she works on a broadway type place that has the shows..   lady comes in "can i park in the fire lane?"  girl "no, thats for fire vehicals"  lady "oh well my dog is sick and is out there"  girl "Thats too bad take him to the vet"  lady "i can't i have tickets"  girl "gotta do what you gotta do"  lady "if i have a heart-attack while in the show... will you save my dog?"  girl "Sure will."  lady "okay, here we go.."  girl "can i see your ticket"  lady "oh shit.."  the lady ran outside, she pulled a shopping cart from behind a bush and ran off down the road ... she had no dog, she just wanted a warm place to talk , its 2 degree's out. *sigh* low-brow part is, i felt more sorry for her dog she didnt have!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving her home from the bar. We stopped at her house, and finished our conversation. I think we where talking about authors.   "Good night" she said somewhat apprehensive about what was going to happen.   I shook her hand and said "I'll give you a call some time".  I think we both knew that I was lying.  
  About 12 or 13 I got caught shoplifting some model paint at Albertson's (at that time Skaggs-Albertson's) Me and my bud made it through the front doors and then we herar the "voice". My friend took off but the security guy had a good grip on me and proceeded to lead me back into the store.  Well we're heading for the back of the store and I decide to bolt. So there I am running full bore through a crowded store, weaving this way and that way. Dumbass me is wearing some of those stupid ass "earth shoes" with the wavy soles. I go tearing down a long aisle and attempt a sharp turn, ended up destroying a very large potato chip display. (it was actually pretty cool)  Spent an hour getting grilled by store security and then taken to the police station.  There are many more "sub" moments to this entire story.....  However, my parents, who were on their way to a black tie formal for Haliburton were none to happy having to make an "extra" stop before the gala affair and pick me up.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So someone at the IRS finds it odd that taxpayers are referred to as customers?  Where I live, my social security card lists my CRN (customer ref number) and below that, the specimen's (me) signature.  Specimen?!? C'mon, I may be a broke student, but a little respect would be good.  Please?  
  An argumentative Englishman was in a pub in the Scottish Highlands.  He got irritated at all the kilted locals standing around speaking Gaelic, when he just  knew  that it wasn't really their native language.  He tried to explain to them that Gaelic was actually a dead language, doomed to eventually vanish.  Big Hamish: "Just exactly how do you mean, 'dead?'"  Cecil: "Well, no new words are being created.  When Gaelic needs a new word, you just take the English word and call it Gaelic."  Big Hamish: "Hmmm -- can you give me an example?"  Cecil: "Let me see ... very well, what is the Gaelic word for 'spaghetti?'"  Big Hamish: "I see ... well sir, I'll tell you the Gaelic word for 'spaghetti' if you tell me the English word for 'spaghetti.'"  
  I wonder if Ron Jeremy gets as much "increase your penis size" email as I do.  My girlfriend gets even more than I do, which confuses me.  Her penis is big enough already.  
  I'm using a file search engine, looking for the wonderful 6-movement "Dona Nobis Pacem" by Vaughan Williams.  The only result it comes up with is (no joke)  "Donald duck gets a blow job.wma"  
  Life is a joke. It's one of those really long jokes that goes on and on for a really long time to create a mood and set the listener up for a hilariously anti-climactic punchline like: Fuck you clown.  
  As my stereo spoke to me about politics and drugs I had to wonder, "Where do I stand on the issues?" I didn't have to worry; several seconds later it told me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sunday afternoon.....late afternoon.  Cleaning the bong in the kitchen sink, accidently tap it aginst the unforgiving porcelin.   SHIT! It's got a crack in it. Damn it all to hell....  Honey, quick, we have to run down to the flea market in the next 30 minutes to get a replacement.  Ah, the things we do for love.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have flu, but i've been looking forward to this concert for about a week, so i go anyway. i stay out of the pit for a while, i don't have the energy to jump around and be sweated all over by large black men.  i'm off to the side of the stage leaning against a wall and there's this 15 year old short, pudgy girl girl in front of me who feels it's necessary to sing along with all of the songs horribly out of pitch and move her hands in the air above her head like she's at a rave.  i sneezed all over the back of her head. this huge ball of snot was hanging off her temporarily dyed pink hair for the remainder of the set.  
  We were laying in bed and he told me:  "If you can think it, someone's doing it".  Jesus.  That means there is some really nasty shit going on out there.       
  I was going out with some friends, and while they were sipping beer in the kitchen, I slipped nto the bathroom. I was combing my hair, trying to look as sexy as hell, in order to get lucky that night.  Suddenly, I had to fart. Well, better here then in the kitchen, I thought, so I let one off.  The horror!!! Shit running down my legs in my brand new baggy trousers! And all my friends in the next room!! I didn't feel it coming, but I had shit in my trousers. Liquid shit! I quickly undressed, took a shower, and found a pair of trousers belonging to my sister.  I pulled my shit together (literally and figure of speech) and walked into the kitchen. There I was, holding a pair of trousers covered in diahrea, wearing my sisters trousers (I'm a guy) red-faced, and ashamed as hell. Jaws dropped, and things even got worse when my sister entered the kitchen. Eventually, my sister ended up washing my trousers, I drove my friends to the party, where I couldn't score any girl, because every time I got into a conversation with one, my friends interviened, telling her: "D'you know what happened just two hours ago?"  I hate my friends.  
  My girlfriend and I are undergoing a "trial seperation".  Or, to be more accurate, she's undergoing a "trial seperation" so she can go fuck random people.  At least I still have the homemade pornography we made together.  I might forget her, but my left hand and penis never will.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             i'd say to jay leno:  stop looking at your note cards, dammit.  it is slightly obvious.  same for you, conan    
  She always seems to be working out in the same part of the gym as us. She watches us, she askes, and we give her tips on how to achieve her goals, and we comment on her good form.   We're really just staring at her ass and tits though.  
   Cause And Effect  In the waning years of the Soviet Union, Michael Gorbachev tried to increase productivity by weaning the population from their addiction to Vodka. Shortly thereafter, Soviet jet fighters started to crash on a regular basis. Pilots getting the shakes? Nope Populace getting the hydraulic fluid that worked the wing controls, landing gear ... Pure alcohol. After armed guards were posted around every jet fighter in the country, the problem  mostly  went away. Mostly? So the pilots  were  getting the shakes, after all! Nope. Guards getting the hydraulic fluid that worked the wing controls...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last New Year's Eve, my best friend and I were tripping really hard. There was a big bowl of roasted peanuts on the kitchen counter. I had one of those cheap Halloween-type fake arms, and I was dipping it slowly into the peanuts, watching them slowly spill over the edges.  My friend watched in amusement, telling me that he was getting "godawful" tracers as the peanuts fell.   Nothing compares to the look of horror on his face as I began to furiously flail the arm at the bowl, laughing maniacally.  
   sept seventeenth at tenthirty pm driving up ninetyfive and the winds are beating the hell outta my truck the radio says hurricane this and hurricane that its late and pouring whatever floyd schmoyd suddenly filled with dread theres no beer in my fridge       
  "It s fine", he told the nurse with a comforting smile while blood gushed everywhere  "I ve wanted to get rid of it for a long time" He put the remains of his cock on the counter and took her hand, gently  "This beast has given me nothing but trouble".   
  On the one hand, I'm not getting laid.  On the other hand, I'm free to use my other hand to compensate for my not getting laid.  
  oh my god, day from hell. went to bed late, got up early. went to a class where we were to turn in final projects. mine didn't work right. worked for 20 minutes to fix it, only to have him say nothing about it (which is a BAD thing). took my audio 1 final, got an 85 so far and my grade will go down more, turn in the projects, and he says we aren't going to do the hands on part(which i have spent days practicing for). get out, come home, eat a fluffernutter and go to work. i realize i don't have my keys. my spare is in maine and i don't know my landlord's phone number. i go to call locksmiths on my break, my cell dies. i use a payphone and spend a ton of money to find out it will cost me $120 to get in. after work, i buy a screwdriver and unscrew the bars on my window to get in. i do. now, is it good i got in or bad that any dummy with a screwdriver can get into my place? i don't know...    it wasn't a lowbrow moment... it was a lowbrow DAY.  
  I wonder, did the bagger at the supermarket checkout put the KY Jelly I bought in the same bag as the soap deliberately, or is it just a convenient coincidence?  
  OK, finally time for my "Shit Yourself" story...  Summertime, drinking gin-n-tonics all fucing day. Running low on tonic and lime juice I decide to run to the Shit-n-Get (no pun intended).  I'm wearing my favorite pair of shorts, bright yellow golf type.  As I'm getting out of the car and let loose a little tweeker. Something doesn't feel right but hell, I'm already here and I need mixer.  When I got home I pulled off my shorts and sure enough I had a big ass brown stain.   I wonder what the cute mexican chick behind me in line thought.  
  So I stop talking on-line to people I don't really care about because it's 11:45 and I should go to bed in an hour if I want to be awake enough to drive to work tomorrow.  I can't decide if I want to get drunk or eat a bowl of whipped cream with jimmies.  I take off my clothes in prepatation of putting on sleep clothes and realize if I drink, my ulcer will act up and my pills are in the car.  Then I realize that my stomach hurts anyway and I'll have to go out to the car, so I might as well drink and eat whipped cream.  But, I can't go out to the car nude, but I wished I could have to save time.  
   I pitched the Portland Creative Conference to my boss. He didn't get it.  Then, I pitched the conference  organizer for a scholarship -- I did get it.   Then I told my boss. He still didn't get it. On the day the conference started, my boss terminated me! So, I went to the Portland Creative Conference, broke, needing to apply for foodstamps , and won a $20-bill off the web design Guru David Seigel when I correctly named the evil character in Ghostbusters: Sandor (happens to be my name.) I think Seigel intended the offer of $20 to be a  figure of speech -- but I marched up to collect it 'cause I didn't even have enough money to get my car out of the parking garage! And I needed to buy lunch because I was about to faint from hunger.  It was a low-brow moment. (But I am grateful that Seigel actually forked out the money AND told us all about this site.) Thanks David -- You are a Mensch and ya did a real kindness -- more than you realized! Bless you.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
       I took a shit so huge the fucker wouldn't flush for anyhting. It was fucking huge, the sheer magnitude was amazing. My roommate said "You should be ashamed of yourself, that came out of you. I'm disgusted. That's amazing." It took 6 flushed before it went down  
  In another moment I mentioned I had an affair with my manager at a Kmart I worked at during college.  At the time, Kmart used clock numbers(time-clock) to represent employees.  I was clock 223.  Managers were represented by "M" and a number. A friend of mine that worked there was privy to our affair and once said, over the store PA system, "Clock 223, please unhand M5.  Clock 223, please unhand M5!" There was laughter throughout the store from the employees, and a lot of confused shoppers.  
  We used to have this electric massager.  A few months ago it broke.  My ten year-old sister didn't say much about it when it broke.  She was unusally quiet and said very little about it.  Her behavior about the manner was just a bit unusual.  I didn't think much of it.  Until...  Christmas 2001.  We're at my grandparents house, and my mom opens a box containing a brand new massager.  My sister's face lit up in a way I can't put into words.  Then I knew.  
  i once was in fight with a guy and really beat him badly...as in "put the boots to him" badly...he deserved a beating but i really did a job... and i did it in front of his wife and kid...he was in the hospital for 3 days and the kid must have thought that he was going to fucking die right in front of her... anyway...the story has a happpy ending because after that night I guess he went to AA (after getting out of the hospital) and he does not drink anymore... so I really helped him? glad I could be of help... anyway...his kid will probably need to talk to a doctor about it one day...  
  I have only twice soiled my pants in recent history.  The first: I was sleeping with my thenboyfriend in his parents bed while they were out of town.  I was having a dream about water, I assume ... and I wake up wet and warm.  The second:  I was sleeping off a Xanaxandwine inebriation.  Wake up halfway through the act of defacation.  I am deeply, deeply embarrassed, and have not, as of yet, told anyone about either incident.  I will be getting very drunk tonite, though, and may break the silence.  Which is more lowbrow:  The act of soiling one's pants, or the idea that the stories would make great party tales?  
   Motormouth #4   "Eh, actually, I'm seeing someone right now."  I hate euphenisms. I'm seeing her right now, but she means regular exchange of body fluids with this guy, whoever he is.  So she was supposed to bring him over to dinner with her, but she arrives alone, hmmm... She's anorexic, but I don't care. Actually, I  do  care, but that's because I'm anorexic by proxy, if there is such a thing -- I love incredibly-skinny women. Flesh and bones - absolutely fine by me. So I cook for an anorexic. Piece of cake. She might gain five pounds just from tonight's dinner. But then a strange thing happens: We're standing together in the kitchen, and are suddenly in each other's arms, tight. Me: "Eh -- did I do that?" She: "I'm not sure -- I think I might have." So on to the couch. We snuggle and kiss and kiss and snuggle, and talk our heads off. Then she leans her head on my shoulder, and proceeds to cry her heart out, for forty-five minutes. She, sobbing: "I'm sorry!" Me, quite honestly: "Be quiet. I take it as a compliment that you feel comfortable with me. Take as long as you need." It's not like I don't know what's going on -- the father of her kids put her in hospital, more than once. So, anyway -- Major sensitivity points, eh? Yes, but... She: "I must look a complete mess!" Me: "Don't be ridiculous. You are a naturally-beautiful woman." That gets me a tight hug. But this thing wouldn't have its title, unless... Me: "The fact that right now you look like a used Kleenex doesn't change that at all." That gets me a stab in the ribs, and she jumps up. But she's only going to freshen up. She comes right back. Good.   
  a good friend of mine works at a national fried chicken joint. in his first week of employment, the store took in 24,000 dollars. i work in an extension of a dry cleaners, where we take in and give back the clothes of the customers. i worked 9 hours one saturday, and earned 500 dollars. my manager said that was highly unusual and extremely busy. but i can listen to music i choose, take a shit whenever, do push ups, cry, pick my nose, or nap.  
  we had just started dating, and went up north to her brother's cabin for a weekend. i'm wandering around, thinking about being in the middle of nowhere with this beautiful girl, looking forward to what we might be doing to each other later, when i see a picture on the refrigerator... her brother, shirt off, under a large american flag, ak-47 in hand. "um... is that real?" "sure," she says... "wanna see it?" it was in the closet behind a number of handguns. luckily, her brother turned out to be a very nice guy.  
  Not my moment, but that of a guy who lived in the same flat as me at university. Since it's his story, I'll leave it up to your discretion whether to believe it or not. I've had confirmation from others there that is was indeed true, but of course, you never really know with these things do you!  The setting: An off-campus student party. Alcohol and hash are being consumed in great quantities. Drunken behaviour ensues. And then, as it usually the case, everyone crashes on the floor.  My friend awakes, mouth dry, room spinning like a tuble-dryer. He has no idea where he is but as he feels the saliva rush into his mouth, he knows he must find the bathroom quickly. He is so dizzy he can barely stand, so he crawls around the house in the pitch-black, hoping to find the toilet before the pressure in his stomach reaches critical mass. He pushes a door and hears the sound of snores. No, not that room. He backs out and tries another. Silence. There is something cold and hard in there, with a lid. Bingo! He lifts the lid and lets his stomach do the rest. Then he crawls back to the landing and passes out.  The next day he is awakened by a scream. "WHO THE FUCK HAS BEEN SICK IN THE STEREO?!"  
  ah the sudden and complete awareness of your own impeding and ultimate doom cheers         
   My girlfriend's mom and stepdad brought their truck over to my apartment to help us move my bed to my new place. My bed was actually just a double mattress and a box spring on the floor.    Steve -- her stepdad -- and I picked up the box spring. Dangling from its frame's wooden slats were four lengths of nylon rope.    Her mom said: "What's that?"    My girlfriend said, quickly: "It's from when Josh and Tony were moving it before ... so they could ... hold on ... to it."    I nodded, said: "Uh huh."    Steve said: "OK. Grab this end, Josh."    See, that's why, no matter how ingenious you may be, you should have a headboard.   
  Hiccups  I HATE getting the hiccups. I usually get them late into the evening when it's closing time and I have to choke those last 4 bottles of cider down (that I stoopidly ordered all at once so I wouldn't run out in the 1/2 hr. it takes from cut-off to them actually turning me out into the cold cold night). Next thing you know.. *hic* oh ohhhh.... *hic* Into the can to hold my breath and pound the side of my head to make it stop. The holding of the breath is not enough, oh no, but the pounding of the head with a closed fist seems to help.  It hurts so much that it shocks my diaphragm into stopping that silly behaviour. Then my diaphragm falls out and I have to dust it off and reinsert it. I really should get it resized. So, in conclusion, when I wake up laying in a puddle of urine, wrapped around a toilet bowl with my pants down around my ankles, staring at a diaphragm stuck to the floor, with a worse than usual head-thumping hangover, I am pretty sure that I had the hiccups the night before. Strangely enough, this is the hiccup remedy that got me barred at my favorite pub in the past. Must remember to use the bathroom. --  Morticia~ http://www.geocities.com/morty_baby/  
  I had been drinking Captain and Jose pretty heavily and I went to a party. A friend of mine dragged me back across campus and left me in my bed because I couldnt stand. He left but apparently I passed out and began vomiting straight up on my back. When he came in I was beginning to choke. So he and another kid turned me over into a trash basket. They pretty much saved my life.  The next day he told me why they went back into my room. To get my bowl and bud.  So weed saved my life. How cool is that.  
  It's grade 11 gym class, and we're playing basketball.  Our gym uniform consists of a house shirt, and school shorts, which are made of a few layers of blue mesh (so comfy).  I'm wearing a pair of white boxers with red pattern on them, but lacking the little button on the fly that keeps your johnson in.  Needless to say, I kept getting a nice, cool, surprising breeze over my most private of parts.  I'm still no good at basketball...  
  seen on public transpo:  "i am hypocrisisman      hear me troubleshoot"   profound.  
  What do you do when you realize that co-workers' insipid, mediocre, mind numbing blather glaringly underscores how insipid, mediocre, and mind numbingly boring you have become?  
  Taco Bell in my town went out of business, I thought how could this be. The outline of 2 & 9 were still visible on the front window though the bell was long since removed - it occured to 29 cent buritos - then I did the math.  Its a wonder they stayed open as long as they did.  
  For Chrissakes, where can a person even GET stirrup pants in the 21st century?!?!?!  I wish I had the balls to ask her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my co-workers likes to call me on his cell phone when he s dropping the kids off at the pool at work.   The timing is such that I ll get the grunt, the violent, gaseous expulsion, the splash, and finally, the big flush.   More often than not, vocal interjections are included, to augment the performance.  I ll then email him to rate the performance. What s more lowbrow; the fact that the phone calls are made, the fact that the calls amuse me, or the fact that I actually critique each performance, and look forward to the next?   
  White Trash Update....  Neighbor's slutty daughter finally got her divorce from the Air Force dude...  Started shacking up with some other dude. Apparently he is a real "gentleman". (According to white trash mama) Her parents were so proud of her for finding a man so quickly.  She's back at home, getting a little chunky, and mowing lawns with her dad...  What a bunch of fucking losers.  
  Had a smudge on my glasses. Really tiny spot, but enough for me to notice so i reach for a tissue to wipe off my lenses.  Grabbed me one of those Puffs with Lotion...now I have a Big smudge on my lense and I cannot find anything else uopon which to wipe them.  
  Here's a little tip for you, should you ever find yourself in a threesome: It's important to think about where you are going to end up, BEFORE you position yourself. Its no fun staring up your friend's butthole.  
   Maybelline Moments #1  Sitting in my livingroom on my farm in Spencer, NY, there is absolute stillness all around.  Only about three cars a day go by, so the silence is absolutely precious.  So is this particular morning, with the sun lighting the carpet and warming my back.  I notice a very young mouse has wandered into the patch of sunlight and is cleaning itself. It's a really gorgeous sight, watching the young thing sit there innocently.  When I tire of the floor show, I nudge the enormous Maine Coon Cat sleeping on my lap.  Within 30 seconds, she's back on my lap, licking a few flecks of blood from her calico fur...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking across campus, I passed a kid with a big glass of milk, eating a stick of Pilsbury cookie dough like it was a candy bar.  "Computer Science major?" I asked, looking him up and down.  "Yeah"    
  Last night my stepdad told a story about how he was so sick one day (after eating Captain Dirtyfish's Fish and Chips) that he threw up into a basin held by his mother and shot diarrhea out his ass simultaniously. When he blew the vomit out of his nose, he found half digest fish n' chips in the kleenex.  My god, he's one of us. Must... keep the secret of lowbrow... or family will be angry... for anti-Jesus and pro-masturbation posts.  Oh Lord of Christianity that I do not practice, please help me.  
  For the first few months I lived in Austin, Texas, I felt like I was in somebody else's independent film.  The feeling never left -- so I did.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I met a grrrl named Pam on a blurry drunken night in Monterey.  She had an orange V.W. bus and worked at the Sizzler around the corner.  I was head over heels for her for about 5 hours. You see, I have always had a weakness for smart-ass art chicks.   I puked in her hair.  She called the next day to tell me she had V.D.   I wonder, what ever happened to Pam?        
  on the boat, figured out that bottle caps, when thrown properly, will stick quite nicely to sweaty skin. but we needed a target... hence the game of nipple caps.  
  Working a telecomm scam in Montreal, my shooter called a woman in Nebraska asking for her credit card number.  She replied that she couldn`t give him the number.  He then proceeded to give her the details of the consolidation process and the *advantages* of our program.  She cut him short, explaining that she truly COULDN`T give him the number.  Sensing something straining in her voice he inquired why she couldn`t simply give him the digits so he could run a safe and profitable credit check --seeing if she qualified for our program.    She then contiued on a long winded explaination, siting stores she couldn`t resist, important household items she would purchase, even a family emergency -- cash advance she withdrew.  Not really being able to connect where this was headed Ryan asked WHY she couldn`t give him the numbers...  ... she truly couldn`t because she had deposited her credit card in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer...  Ryan then convinced her to put the bag in a pot on the stove so they could extract the numbers, he would call back in 10min... we smoked a joint, apparently she did also because when he called back the card was melted to the bag and fused to the side of the pot...  
   i bought a step scooter half the usual price.  i used it for the first time on a steep downhill sloping path.   the wind felt glorious on my face, everything was so fast, everything a blur, then i realized i could not stop. i flew, fell flat on my face, got myself injured. the skin on my fingers were torn out, my boss witnessed everything.   it feels good to have a tying memory with my first car.   
  I don't trust anyone with good credit. Here's why:  Blowing your credit is about youthful exhuberance.  It's about loving life, and wanting to live it the fullest.  Anyone who doesn't do that is walking around with some strange ass shit bottled up inside them.  
  If someone opened a new, improved version of Lowbrow &#151; and if it were called something like abjectwretchedness.com, and was very colorful, and perhaps featured some JavaScripted rollovers &#151; would you guys try it out, or would you stay here?  Me too.  
  The best boogers are the ones that, when you bite them, make you're teeth stick together for a second. Yum!!  
  Ok. So I work at Sonic. Obviously this isn't the most glamorous job, but I could stand it up until tonight. Some guy asks for food; we bring it out to him. He calls in again and asks for ketchup. I bring it out to him. As I'm walking away- I see him motioning to me again. HE keeps looking at me and asking how much things are...all the while the menu is right there in front of him. I mean hell... he can look just as well as I can. Then I saw that his pants were completely unzipped and he was jerking himself off in the middle of the sonic parking lot, to a seventeen year old carhop. Quite disgusting if you ask me.  
  by far the worst part of being held hostage was the humiliation of it. who else but me would get an erection while tied up and gagged?  
  me, caroline, and james were walking home from school one day.  and james was pissing me and caroline off. and we were making fun of him and everything but that just wasnt enough.  so caroline looks in her back pack and gets out a pad, but doesnt let james see it.  and thats when we got the brilliant idea to stick the pad on james back without him knowing. so i go and talk to james ahead of caroline. and we are talking then caroline comes up and puts her arm around james and starts patting his back and is laughing.   then i stop for a min and realize that she had stuck the pad on his back!  and james didnt even notice this.  and we walked all the way home and let him go to his house and everything with it on.  it was so funny.    So guys watch out if you piss girls off they just might stick a pad to your back.   
  I continually picked at the peeling paint on the side of my garage until I created a large and very ugly spot that didn't match the rest of the wall.        
  "Mah baby daddy"  "He baby daddy"  "Dat baby daddy"  -- how people on the Jerry Springer show refer to an infant's father.   
  One time, on a band trip in high school, I ate this giant slab of beef jerky on the bus.  When I pooped it out, it looked just like a compressed log of beef jerky, and pooping it was just as difficult as eating it.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Let me explain something....we don't get our oil from Iraq.  It also takes months for oil from the middle east (countries freindly to us anyway) to become the gas you put in your car.  In the space of a week, gas has gone up like 40 cents.  When it gets to $2.00 a gallon, I think I'm going to start hijacking gas tankers a la Mad Max, and selling it for $1 for as much as you can carry away.  I'd be a fuel Robin Hood.  
  Was commuting to school in my senior year of college and my car was in the shop being fixed. The guy I had just started dating picked me up at my parents house 2hrs before our final exam. We then drove to his house and spent 1 1/2 hrs there watching  cartoons. He wanted to finish watching the Flinstones so were late to our exam. We rushed to school and stormed through the double doors into the auditorium.  We were 5 minutes late.  Complete silence and 50 sets of eyes upon us.  Everyone we knew was smiling.  I knew what they were thinking...sex.If they only knew it was because of Fred Flinstone & Barney Rubble. Me grinning didn't help the situation either.  
  Here's a corporate lowbrow courtesy of my employer:  --------------------------------  XxxXxXxx (using automated content monitoring gateway) has  stopped the following email for the following reason:  It believes it may contain unacceptable language, or inappropriate material.     Message: B0001b0c94.00000001.mml    From:    xxxxx@xx.xxxx.xxx    To:      xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx.xxx    Subject: Re: Anyone up for a  Please have sender remove any inappropriate language and send it again.  The blocked email will be automatically deleted after 5 days.  MailMarshal Rule: Content Security (Inbound) : Block Unacceptable Language Script Offensive Language (Basic) Triggered in Body Expression:  fuck  Triggered 1 times weighting 5   Email Content Security provided by NetIQ MailMarshal for XxxXxXxx.   --------------------------------       
  My brother was talking to one of the Hare Krishna's that used to rent the front shop from us (they're not allowed to work for money, just sell new age hippyshit, a religion that espouses capitalist laziness).  The Hare guy was started to get used to my bro's pathalogical crudeness, thought he'd give it a go, said:   'It must be hard for a lonely single father to drive past those shetland ponies every day, they're just the right height to shag.'  My brother replied, 'It's pretty easy actually mate, see I got this possum skin hat at home, when I'm horny I jerk off into that.'  The Hare guy laughed, still not feeling the seafloor sloping down from under him - 'Why do you do that?'  Big bro' looked him in the eye - 'Because it reminds me of your beard.'    
  The homes of the good-time girls Donna, Lois and Ginger defined the geographical boundary of what the local boys called "The Pubic Triangle."         
  i have a a friend whos smoked himself so retarded that he dosent use verbs in his speech, or when were talking online. his sentences will read like this "i to friends house we pot then we around in his car"  
  I watched a thug take $80 out out of a MAC machine with a stolen card.  I raised an eyebrow as he left without taking card nor receipt.  So I took the card for myself.    
  When I was young, i had impressions done of my teeth. The goop ran down my throat and gagged me. I lost control and passed gas real loud and long, right there in the chair....time seemed to stop!        
  Either I've had a 72 hour hangover, or its time to go back on anti-depressants.  
  For some reason my ISP blocks lowbrow. Of course, I found a website that puts a picture of am ass on other websites you like...this means the only way I can sit at home and read lowbrow is with an ass in the header bar, stearing me down.  I love the irony there.  
  it's a small world after all. it's a small world after all. it's a small world after all. it's a small small world.  i'll just leave you with that.  have fun.  
  I worked in a thrift type store in the mall on the weekends and evenings while I was in high school. I got the pleasure of training new cashiers occasionally as the place could never keep employees due to the fact it only paid minimum.  Matt, I believe, was bagging for me, watching me run the register and learning how the whole ordeal operated when he wasn't staring at my chest. Nervous high schoolers as we all were, I hadn't expected to be training anyone and informed my boyfriend at the time if he wanted to buy condoms, I'd be running register.  So 30 minutes before the store closes he walks in, walks to the back, grabs a box of 20 or so and comes up to the register. This had been the first guy to buy condoms since Matt came in at 5:00 and he couldn't resist.  Matt, the trainee: "So, someone's going to be having a lot of fun tonight."  My boyfriend stared at him. And I grinned and looked at Matt.  Me: "Yes, Matt, we're going to fuck until the sun comes up as soon as I get off work. If you want, you can mop for me tonight and I'll leave early to get a head start."  I don't know who was more embarassed, my boyfriend or Matt.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Question: Is it said when you return your beer bottles to the depot and you remember what you were doing when you drank each one. And you feel bad about turning the bottles over to someone else, kinda like you letting a pet go free to live on their own. I took mine down to the depot on the weekend and felt that way. I got to stop getting sober. Lesson to all the kids out there: Always be drunk and you won't give a rats ass about the bottles, you'll be happy that you got more money to drink with.     
  While I was in the 7-11 today, I overheard a young black guy in a shirt and tie talking on his cell phone.  "It's weird", he was saying.  "She's interested in the same things I'm interested in,  You know, like business.  And food".  
  one time i decided to eat acid with some of my friends. when the night of pure madness was over and we came back from eating breakfast, a guy we were with started freaking out and falling over.  then he pissed his pants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         No one could figure out why my Univ football team (huge well known school) was so pathetic. After all, the Univ and alumni spent a tons of money on practice fields, recruitment and scholarships for all of the huge neandrathal-like, steroid pumped, tobacco-chewing behemoths. Did I care? No. I was just an ordinary guy with a taste for killer weed.  One might ask: "What do these two things have in common?    As it happened, these football players would get so excited and worked up before the big games on Saturday that they couldn't sleep friday night. So they came so see me to sort them out, for it became known that the shit was magic. First one. Then another. Then probably half of the team. In my estimation, this shit was so kickin' that motor-skills would remain impaired for 24 hours. Mystery solved in case all of you alumni (and coaches) were wondering.  
     "Women and their power"     About 3 years ago I was dating this girl. We and a bunch of friends were sitting around outside and I shifted my legs. My girlfriends friend saw my junk, and felt that she needed to tell everyone that my penis is small.     I became all self conscious about this problem.Then last year I started dating my ex-girlfriends friend. She tells me that she only said that to be mean about it. HOW VERY FUCKING MEAN HUH??    Now all I hear is "oh god your cock is so big inside me"     Why can't men have that power???   
  i was walking down the street, when i saw the most beautiful, totally bodacious babe in my whole life. so i approached her and started making small talk prtending like i had just moved here and if she could let me know of where some good hangouts were.  so yadda yadda yadda she invites me up to her house for a party that she was having...coincidentally...that night so i go to the party and all shes wearing is a black mettalic thong and a cowboy hat, everyone was fucked up, so i start drinking and sooner than later i too was fucked. this is when shit just got kinky, the grrl came out of her bedroom with a strap on, a whip, and a harness that she wasa looking to fill.so seeing as how i had wanted to make love with this woman from the first time i saw her, i thought hey what the hell i may as well see if i would be the perfect fit for her harness. 10n minutes later, back in the bedroom, i was being restrained and sodomized. that grrl  fucked the shit out me. what a FUCKING night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So a few of us guys go out to the clubs one nite. at one club there are some girls dancing in cages. On the far side theres a guy in a cage with the girl, shes grinding all up on him. she then drops to her knees and starts biteing and nibbling his dick thru his pants. My friend says "damn who is that whore" as we walk towards the cage. About five feet away the girl lifts her head and looks right at us. Its his 15 year old sister. And the guy, its his older brother.  
   About a week after I'd gone home with a boy I'd met that very evening and hadn't heard from since, I got a silly little  e-mail from him. His return address was "Leatherpants@Farts.com". I decided I needed to drink less after that.      
  "...maybe each of us has a BIG INVISIBLE SPIDER living inside of us! It's in there even though science can't detect it, man. And, and when we get REALLY EXCITED, *that's* when it either WAKES UP or starts running around, you know?  That would explain *tingling*, and when you get a chill for, like, NO REASON! ...uh, never mind..."        
  another classic 7th grade boneheadism  over at a friend's house, while his parents were away.  he had just finished gassing up the lawnmower to do his chores.  i asked him for a dixie cup of gas.  for whatever reason, he didn't ask why, and poured it for me, in what had been my lemonade cup.  i walked into his house with the cup, and picked up his mom's lighter from the kitchen counter.  promptly walked to the sink, poured the gas into it, and lit it.  just when he thought it wouldn't get weirder, i turn on the garbage disposal.  now, for anyone who's never tested this theory, disposals work great, but inevitably, small droplets of liquid invariably come back up through the wide open drain.  in this case, those droplets were flaming gas.  set the curtains on fire, melted the miniblinds, destroyed several plastic cups near the sink, and killed 4 plants in the windowsill.  he looked at me after shutting up the smoke detector by smacking it off the ceiling with the mop handle and said "fuck, that was cool!"  i had to mow their lawn for three months  and his parents never forgave me  
  When I worked at the Crappiest Place on Earth and Jen was my lead, I always got an extra half a hour lunch and an extra 15 minute break. Why? Because at Fantasmic clean up, I was Jen's limer and bent down to pick up the cups.  She was checking out my ass.  The other girls said, "Yuck, tell her stop."  But I thought, that's 45 minutes I don't have to walk around sweeping up popcorn and cigarette butts.  Hey, jen, let me lean way way over to pick up this cup!  
  I hate you all.  I mean seriously, give me a good reason why I should love any of you.  You run about, living in your little lies.  You never think about how it might be if people would be good to one another occasionally. Instead you run about on the motto "take what you can and fuck the other guy"  thats pretty sick if you ask me.  and look where its getting us.  Our society is downgrading constantly.  rape, teen pregnancy, murder, theft, illiteracy, republicanism.  all on the rise.  and instead of focusing on things like this, the Collective Human Ignorance  would rather focus on "milk hurts cows, you should drink beer instead".  right.  drink beer instead.  Especially since alchoholism is on the rise too.  I swear to god i want you all to die.   
  Man we pulled a great halloween that year.  My friends and I usually pulled the silly string deal, but that year in fourth or fifth grade, can't quite remember exactly when, we pulled a good stunt.  We had stolen Matt's mom's kitchen gloves, the big rubber kind you would see a lobster trawler use, and hidden those in the woods with a trash bag of dead squirrels we'd found on the roads.    Come halloween night, we took the bag and skulked about in the shadows, looking for certain houses, like the Feletti's, of people we disliked.  We took turns putting on the gloves, grabbing one of those squirrels by the tail, whirling it around to get momentum, then letting those fuckers fly.  Matt and I didn't have great luck, smacking a few of the furry fuckers on a roof, I managed to get someone's chimney.    But my other friend, man he nailed the Feletti's, ironically.  The squirrel had a beautiful arch, and landed with a sickening thud/crunch on the glass storm door, all four paws splayed out, and slowly slid down, leaving a trail of blood behind.  We laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore.  I pissed my pants.   Happy Halloween everyone.  Keep your eyes skyward.    
  I just checked my messages.  I got one from my landlady who said about 15 times in 3 minutes "You HAVE to clean up that appartment." She needs to rent it out by the end of the month, when I move out. The rest of those 3 minutes were her listing things off that are wrong with this place. Over and over, as I listened i thought, "Oh yeah.. I guess that is kinda gross."  Before then, I didn't think this place was all that bad.   
  When my friends ask me if i remember something a few months/years ago that happened, i usually reply:    "I don't remember, that was to many drugs ago."  
  Just got back from Jax Beach. As I was scrubbing my face down with soap, I realised that I had a LOT of sand in my eyebrows. Think about this. If we didn't have eyebrows, going to the beach would be a rather unenjoyable experience.  
  At the beach, my friend told me how bad his life had been going. He said felt like screaming and tilted his head back and opened his mouth in pretend.  A huge Seagull shit spattered, half inside his mouth, with the rest slapping down his chin and chest.  I laughed so hard, I peed.  
    what do we do what do we do dennis asks ina panic run i tell him  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my cat used to eat the tinsel off the christmas tree and when she would poop it out, it would get stuck in her butt hole and we would have to pull it out  
  in the passenger's seat driving back to school, my boyfriends first time making the trek by car  i've been there a thousand times, you stay on the same highway the whole time, until you're in the city the school is in  i got us lost cause i was too horny to glance up every few minutes to make sure he was following the directions i told him earlier  i was more upset that i didn't give him road head than i was that we got lost  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         First time tripping... my junior year in highschool and my friend convinced me that it would be fun and safe... I started with one gel tab.  Nothing.  All my friends were tripping but me.    So my bf and I decided to go into the other room to "play."  He was on top of me and all of a sudden his face began to glow red.  "holy shit, im tripping!" I yelled.  "Enjoy it" my bf said.  But I just finished reading "Rosemary's Baby" that year in english class and began to image that I was having sex with the devil.  "calm down, its just pete" i kept telling myself.  We switched positions and I got on top.  It was only about 2 minutes before I realized I was the one glowing red now.    "Im such an ass" I thought to myself.  The damn alarm clock was relfecting off of us.  I wasnt tripping at all.........  So I took another tab and thats when the party really started!  
  I sit at the bar and start a conversation about the football game with the guy to my left.  The conversation expands.  Soon he's telling me about his children, his marriage troubles, his hopes and dreams.  At one point he says: "You know, I've never had a conversation like this with a guy."  I take that as the compliment it is.  I go to the bathroom.  When I sit back down, he says:  "So, asshole, do you want to die now, or later."   I'm totally confused, but then I realize he only just now spotted my earring, and he thinks I was coming on to him...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         going home for Easter, down Hastings to catch the bus for the long hump home. Wildeyed freaky guys says he needs a push to get his car started, Then he says we need to take a cab there because his leg is fucked, then in the cab he tells me he needs 20 bucks to get it out of the tow place, then as he slows the cab down he says he needs to use the twenty bucks to get non-duty paid cigarettes to flip so he can cover the full cost of the towing place.  He tries conferring with the guy on the street corner, and then runs back to the cab exclaiming "gimme your silver man " and then after I refuse gets all flusterered and exclaims that 'the deals all blown' . Of course now the cabbie wants his money, which neither of us have anymore. The cabbie's got a tire iron out and hes calling the police, and out of the blue this huge tattooed guy gets out of a Blazer. It's an undercover cop whos been watching the whole ordeal of this guy trying to buy rock. I don't know if I just have an honest face, but he sends the crackhead off, and lets me go my way. Oh yeah, at the end, the freak tosses his adidas jacket at the cabbie for pay, you know, the one with the 'mountain' logo ? And the driver was persian, and so I call this my 'Mountain comes to Mohhamed story".   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was a kid, my mom used to cut my hair, and my older brother was my role model.  I told my mom once when she was about to cut my hair, that I wanted it like my brother's:  short on top, long in the back.  Your classic mullet.  It was back in the mid-80s, and he was a heavy metal head.  Not out of place at all. When my brother came home that day, I said "Look! My hair is just like yours!"  It was the most pissed I had ever seen my brother, and everyone else in the house was laughing hysterically.  Nobody told me why. Next time I got a haircut, my mom said that my brother told her not to give me the same cut.  I almost started to cry, and asked her why. "Honey, that's not your brother's haircut; he's going bald." I still shudder to think that I used to have a mullet.  
  I skipped out of a class a little early and headed to Mac's to kill this Slurpee craving that I had. The usual clerk isn't there, and he is replaced by what I assume is his older clerk-counterpart and another elderly gentleman who I assume is a delivery guy from his uniform. I go in, pick up my icy comfort, and head to the counter. The first thing out of the old clerk's mouth is, "Do you know who she is?" and referring to the newest edition of Playboy. All I see is some long legged blond straddling a chair. I say nope, and he informs me that her name is Torrie Wilson, some WWF/WWE/WCW/ECW girl. Before I know it, he has taken a copy and removed it from the official plastic wrap notifying me that it's a collectors edition. He gestures for me to come closer, and the ancient delivery boy looks over the shoulder of his fellow senior citizen. "Let's check out her tits..." is all I hear as we turn to the cover story. BAM, some naked blond in some pseudo-classy poses. I'm thinking her tits are too big and obviously fake, but she has a nice pair of legs, then the clerk lets me know that "her pussy is to long though", and his silent partner motions of inserting his balding scalp into an imaginary pussy. An offer for the opened merchandise was made, so I laugh and ask how much is the Playboy, "Seven bucks" is the reply. I politely refuse, pay for my sweating drink, and leave.  
  I was thinking about running for president when i got older.  I realized that it would be much more rewarding to run for GOD.  
  Anyone who would fuck Whoopi Goldberg would eat their own shit.  Just remember that next time you see Ted Danson...  
  I had no problem freshening up in his bathroom after lunchtime sex. His wife has really good taste is make up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in high school, and had the worst cold ever. I had been hawking lougies all day long and sneezing like crazy.  Well when my afternoon government class came I almost just went home, but being at a strict school I couldn't leave without parental permission. So I had to stick it out. As I went to hand in the homework assingment I sneezed, but was good about covering my face. The cute cheerleader in the front turned like a polite young lady to say, "God bless you" well she didn't quite get to the "...you" part before I sneezed again, this time leaving about a half pound of lougie snot dripping from her eye socket. I left early...  
  So I'm on my way to the company xmas party out at the zoo, they got xmas lights strung up on the animals or some shit. Well, being the pothead that I am, I decide to get reefed before going. I stop to get gas on the way, and I'm shocked to see that the Am/Pm doesn't carry Visine, or Highsine, as I've taken to calling it. I have to drive back up the road to a different convenience store. I walk in and can't find Visine there either. I go up to the clerk, dude about my age, and ask for help. We eventually locate the shit, he hands it to me, and takes a good look at who he's dealing with.   "Good call on the Visine, dude."  
  Getting off the bus I noticed that I was walking ahead of a woman just close enough that it was sort of an awkward distance.  I decided it would be fun to see how long I could keep this up.  Without looking back I could tell what she was doing simply from the sound of her footsteps and her shopping bags.  When she slowed down to try to put more distance between us, I also slowed down.  When she sped up to try to pass me, I sped up as well.  Finally she turned down a side street, and my fun was over.  
  I was too lazy to actually get the bread out, so I just wrapped a piece of cheese in some lunchmeat, like a burrito.  It was pretty good.  Until I realized that I had just, in essence, eaten a snausage.  
  call me naive, but i didn't think sex was complicated enough for a 406 page "sex for dummies" manual.  and then there's the comment on the cover... "her image is synonymous with sex!"  --Time Magazine on Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer along with a little picture of Dr. Ruth...   if you know who Dr. Ruth is, you're shuddering too.  
  my friend went through a stage of making up a secret language. she'd just randomly put "-icles" on the end of a word. for example, if you wanted to say "Hello there, my friend!" she would say "Hello there, my friendicles!"  so anyway, she was in an english lesson and it was just after exam week.   she promptly asked the teacher if she could have her testicles back.  oh the hilarity.  
  I just put my hand on my crotch, over my pants, closed my legs, pulled out my hand, and gave it a nice sniff.  I need to take a shower!  
  We decided to go to Lyndsey's house to pay her a visit. Jane and I get this bright idea to wet a few tampons and put it on/in the mailbox. There's no water around. Jane tosses me a tampon. "Go piss on it." I wonder what her parents thought when they saw 12 or so yellow tampons in and on their mailbox.  
  Advice from the Flame Haired Wench: Always remind the girl who waxes your nether regions that you have a clit ring.  Also, don't wear the ring with the cute dangly things on waxing day. Just to let you know.  
    When I entered a ski resort bar, there was a woman singing "eye of the tiger" on the karaoke stage. she sang it with great emotions.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  One of my fantasies is to have a man so hot for me that he throws me on the dining room table and has his way with me. I have experienced this twice.   I had to "fake it" both times.   
  Sometimes I really like hangovers. The kind of hangovers where everyone climbs out of the chair, the couch, the drapes, the bathtub and looks for beer and sits and wonders aloud 'which one of you fuckers shit in my mouth' drinks warm beer and makes hilarious jokes and asks 'who's buying me breakfast?'   
  Ah but would you do Neil?  
  i am laguardia waiting after being frisked a couple of times for my fucking fucking plane finally go to take a medically necessary crap the bathroom is empty i let rip seconds later a guy walks in to the wallmount and seconds after he starts i hear a woman bitching at him about something he had no right and how could he treat her like that and all the while hes pissing he stops and she stops ranting and they head into a stall id bet my left nut she blew him  i imagine a dood writing a check next to the  laguardia toilet  entry on his list of  places i have fucked when he got home   
  I used to be really hardcore into ICP.  You know, "down with the clown" and all that.  So we're over at my buddy's house, engaged in our (then) favorite pasttime, frying and smoking plenty of pot, when we decide we want to watch TV  and  listen to music.  So, we put ICP's "Chicken Huntin" from The Riddlebox album on and tuned the tube to "Animaniacs".  In our discombobulated state, I swear to dood that Yakko was singing along with the tunes.  "Who's goin' chicken huntin'?" "We're goin' chicken huntin'!" "Cut a muthafuckin chicken up!"  It lasted for about 2 verses in perfect synchronozation.  Then a commercial for Downy came on.  One of the best things that ever happened to me while frying.  
  OK...when you are on a ski trip it is hard to know if a person is a boy or a girl right?  With all that ski stuff on and your hat and what not.  Well when I was 12 a boy just started to join me when I was snowboarding down the beginners mountain.  I was psyched, being a little 12 year old girl and all.  We had a lot of fun.    We then went inside to eat with our respected families.  I took off my hat and let my hair fall out of it.  I see the kid staring at me but I dont think much of it.  After we eat, we go out to the mountain again and he says to me....  "You have a lot of hair for a guy."  I was devastated and went back to the lodge and cried.    It was good times.  
  I also think your license plates should be correlated to your cell phone number. Then you can call the jerk who just cut you off and let him know how you feel about their behavior. Or flirt with the cute girl who played eye games with you in the mirror at the red light. Or tell that tailgater that you're looking for a street name in an unfamiliar neighborhood and it's not going to do any good to keep flashing those damn high beams. The possibilities are limitless.   
  i was reading my bottle of arizona iced tea one day and couldnt help but notice the phrase "made in canada".  
  I figure, when I'm an old lady, people will think I'm crazy.  So why not play along?  I'll live on some incessantly rainy beach in Maine and offer strangers crackers.  I'll always hide under my oversized blue umbrella.  And when I hand out the last cracker, I'll still ask one more person, just so I can say:  "Oops!  No more crackers!  You wait here (in the rain) sweetie, I'll go get some more.  My house is just a 10 minute walk from here.  And don't you go running off on my like my husband of 46 years did!"  And with that I'll prance off (or do as much prancing as I can @ 87) to my house, and take my sweet time coming back, while the stranger, not wanting to break the old lady's heart, stands in the rain.  Mean?  Yes.  Fun?  Very much so.        
   During my last great acid trip, we hung a boxed-strobe light from the ceiling about three feet above our circular card table, turned the other lights out, and the four of us played "racing demons" with six decks of cards all the while the cord swinging in an eliptical motion pointing down at the table as our only light source.         
  One of my truly low moments... Friends 21st birthday... his pride and joy was a bottle of Sambucca  he received as a gift since it was his favourite drink. He offers to open it just to give some of us a sample... naturally I don't refuse free alcohol. He gives 3 of us a shot then stashes the bottle away. But that isn't it for me. Noooooo I want more. So i grab a tumbler, wander into his bedroom, find where he stashed it and pour myself a full glass and drink it. Then i go back again, taking two friends with me... and go back again and again until its all gone. I don't remember the end of the second tumbler. But apparently i staggered out of his bedroom with the empty Sambucca bottle stashed under my arm and told him "Birthday present don't go far these days".  
   Dunbar, Part II  How do you cook toilet paper? Brown on one side - throw it in the pot.  
  "Why are you already drunk at 5?" she asked.  "Because we started drinking at 1" was the only answer I could come up with.  
  my dog pooped in the middle of the top stair. and it was standing up on it's end, just begging to be photographed. a few shots from the digi cam, and an hour on adobe later, i had some nice animated gifs of my very own mr. hankey. man, i need some friends.   
  so we're diving through dumpsters behind big stores looking for anything, well mainly looking for credit card receipts since it's so easy to commit credit card fraud online with a simple receipt, ... we're walking behind this big store at night and come up to a dumpster and "shit!" my friend says, its locked, so we're all like "yeah ok lets move on" ... but out of nowhere this cars starts coming towards us really fast and we didn't want to get caught so we hid behind it, but of course that didn't work, it turned out the car was full of undercover cops patrolling the mall, they of course noticed us and started the procedure of asking us questions about why we were here and if we were trying to break-in-and-enter (B&E) ... and we were like "no, we were just looking through dumpsters for old computer parts", but of course they didn't believe us but they really really thought we were trying to B&E, so this one cop pulls out his flashlight and for literally half an hour is searching on the ground to see if we tried to ditch any supposed "tools" that we could have used for B&E, and he finds find some really rusted piece of shit metal on the ground and says to us "you were using this weren't u?" and we just looked at him dumbfounded thinking "is this cop stupid?" and his other cop buddy told him to throw that shit away and that its obviously not ours, ... of course our bags were empty since we wanted to fill them up with goodies from the dumpsters, we already got like shitloads of receipts in my one friend's bag and so one cop empties that bag and tonnes of receipts fly out, my stomach literally caved in when i saw those receipts fall out cuz i knew that we were literally FUCKED and that for sure we'd go to jail for like some kind of fraud .... but no ... these stupid ass cops were so bent on their theory that we were trying to B&E that they didn't even notice all the credit card receipts that fell out, so after an hour of interrogating us and failing to find any supposed "tools" we could have used for B&E they let us go ... and as we were walking away i thot to myself, who's stupider: us for getting caught for the wrong thing and being let go or the cops for being such retards?  
   I was damn near ready to kill Jay on the deck. Then he threw a beer at Kevin's head and got sprayed with the pressure hose for his trouble. We staggered to the playground and Timmy ended up in this weird ball cup on a pole contraption, beyond our reach. Back on the deck we discussed world events, and the basement had become some bizzare skating rink after Raji's birthday cake ended up all over the floor and walls (slippery). I came to find Mina's tightly clothed roommate very attractive both physically and intellectually (intelligence and awareness of reality is so rare these days). Jay, being the cheap pimp he is, was making cheap pimp moves on her all night, my presence being the only thing stopping him from trying even cheaper ones. Alas soon his stripper skanks showed up, sat on his lap, and smoked his pot, keeping him distracted. The merry making continued with cigs and joints and beers and boles and booze from a 25 gallon tub full of ice and various brands and proofs.   At 3:30 we burried my just-deceased cat at the bottom of the hill, with bagpipes blaring. My neighbor didn't appreciate this, nor the ten foot bonfire, but she retreated after being met with severe verbal counterattacks.   Then only Timmy, Tim, Kevin, Jay and I remained. The worst of the worst plus one pimp. What transpired is unkown beyond me sending Mina the email message "yourroomateIwnattopenetrateherwhilesuckinghernipplesonthefloorortheshore" for the sum of one dollar, payed in full, by Timmy.    The next day I was reprimanded by Mina for both the message and for almost assualting Jay with a board torn from my deck gate.   Jay had threatened me in my own house, was trying to cop a feel on her roomate most of the night, and repeatedly told her he wanted to fuck said roomate. But he's a "nice guy", she says he makes people feel comfortable. I took that as "he has a good marketing ploy, and can get away with anything without need of honesty or competence".   I, the blatantly honest bastard who refuses to beat around the bush and will point out one's true intentions, caring not a damn for the pleasentries of pretension, am not "nice" it seems though. I am to be scorned as crude and mean and cold (and horny).    Ah, well..... this sort of thing it seems will happen when people let me drink vodka out of a measuring cup all night. Fuck it man, we all die in the end, and given the choice between the epitaphs:   "You always knew where you stood with this bastard."  or  "Here lies a nice guy."   my choice is clear.      
  So I was going to a new gynecologist for the first time.  He asked me where I worked, I told him the name of our practice.  He asked what field?  I stated it was a dental office.  He told me it was similar to his practice. I asked why? he said "lay back , relax and open wide" I did not say anything....in retrospect it's funny...  
   So I'm stranded in the Toronto airport, trying to get to Calgary on a buddy pass and having no luck.   After 2 days I get on a flight to Vancouver (close enough) with only seconds to spare. I had to run so fast down the they didn't even have time to give me my ticket back.   I'm not 100% sure how I'll get to Calgary from Van, but it's progress.  So I'm on the plane. I'm happy. After 48 hours of bullshit, I'm on a plane, going in the right direction.  My meal comes, chicken and a salad. I open the little pack of thousand island dressing, give it a squeeze and it shoots a greasy load of dressing right in my crotch.  I might mention that my bags flew to Calgary days ago. I'm now going to be stranded in Vancouver with a cum stain on my dress pants. My only pants.  If someone could explode from stress I would have right there.  
  O.K., so my friend and I are walking home from school and about half way to his house we stop for some reason...be play frisbee in some random guys yard using his frisbee. Anyway, somehow we got to chucking little rotten apples at each other....and as I jumped up to pluck another apple from the tree...WAM! I get smashed in the eye with one of the apples my friend just threw.  The first thing he can say to me is, "HOLY SHIT! YOUR EYE IS FALLING OUT!!!" with a really serious look on his face....Come ON!!! you don't say that shit to someone who just experienced serious trauma!!  3 hours later imagine me explaining to the doctor at the hospitol how this happened....did I mention I got 6 stiches from that freakin' apple? And my friend has the balls to send me a card appologizing for hitting me with the apple....on the front of the card, there was a cat with apples in the background....man...payback will be fun.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         7/27/03   Sometimes I reflect back on the beer I have consumed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery,the guys that drive the trucks, the people who sit behind the computers all day coming up with catchy advertisements and all of the other people that help to bring this beer to me, and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."  
  A friend of mine drank his wife so fucking drunk and convinced her to watch porn movies with the guys until morning - her being butt-naked under a blanket. When early morning came he had her lay down naked on her back while the friends got to spray her body with their cum.  During this event, one friend asked if he could get to fuck her - but her husband (my friend) replied that "nope - but I do understand why you would like to".  The happy couple spend the next day doing it in bed, and come evening she fixed him some kind of pot stew.  When I met him this morning he was having serious regrets about the week-end.  Not with her getting sprayed by the guys.  But with the fact that he had eaten that dinner - more or less to be nice to her, since he really does not like that kind of sloppy food.  Cursing his belly, he wished that he "had let that other guy fuck her in the ass so that she could be shitting cum all morning!"  
  So, I was taking a dump, and pushing pretty hard. When, all of a sudden, I feel this *pop* in my throat that hurts real bad. I start laughing, it hurts so bad. I swallow, and it feels like a chicken bone is stuck in my throat or something. I swallow again and this little piece of...something...clicks back into place in my adams apple. I had to be careful the next few weeks to make sure it didn't pop back out when I sneezed or took a dump, which it was prone to do.  I'm fine now, but, geez - how come nobody warned me about that? Be careful out there kids.  
  The drunkest I've ever gotten, and the last time I ever got really drunk, was four years ago, at my friend Kevin's wedding. The worst of it was the next morning. I felt like I wanted to die. I've never felt that bad. But it was almost worth it to hear my friend, who slept under me (bunk beds), tell me that, at some point during the night, I had been talking in my sleep (he was awake because my snoring was so loud), and I said, "Oh... you're so beautiful..." That was pretty funny. Who the fuck was I talking to in my dream?  Oh, also, my left ear had no feeling in it for a couple of days. That was pretty scary.  
  Walking through the boys locker room with a full on erection is grounds for serious punishment. We tortured Jay everyday, yet he still persisted in sporting wood, every goddamn day. Even named the bitch Gay Jay. Didn't phase the fucker.   Junior high was a real eye opener....  
  Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms???  For Traction in the Mud  
  In south florida there are lots of sex shops, the ones with quarter peep shows, meanig a video booths that eat quarters.  some of the raunchier places have glory holes (holes cut into the sides of the booth)  you stick your pecker through there and whoever on the other side will suck it usually.  hey...its a free blowjob, and you dont see who is doing it. you can pretend its one of the porn girls on screen.  anyways, i hate the people behind the counter of the shop, there isnt anyway to hide that you are going there to get off, and they know it.  
  He looked at me as I walked down the street to meet him in the plaza.  "Lookin' a little groggy this mornin' arent'cha?" he said.  "Fukkin industry parties...." was all I could really muster up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a drunk, homelss fool came to my register at the liquor store to buy another pint of vodka. as i rang him up, his pants fell down. the counter was too high for me to see whether or not he was wearing underwear. either way, i dont wanna know.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The perfect co-ed friendship: Him:  virgin Me:  nympho Situation: live in dorm rooms next door to each other but always sleep in the same room constantly in our underwear but what do we do in said underwear? play hacky sack. or, rather, he throws the hacky sack at me and i miss it.  everytime.  for a good half an hour.  standing in my panties and my bra. not once has he tried to get in my pants. i love it.  is it possible to have had so many sexual encounters in your life that the moments that don't involve sex are the most orgasmic?  
  I thought I heard music today, but I turned around and it was some guy emptying out a metal trash can.  I've been listening to too much Aphex Twin lately.  
  Suddenly wondering if I've become the british version of white trash as I've just decided to go to bed with my laptop and a bottle of jack daniels as company.  God bless wireless net connections.  Oh and Jack Daniels.  
  I had gotten home from a hard day, and just wanted to enjoy a little quiet time playing with myself.  Just as I was getting into it, the phone goes.  I answer my phone compulsively, just in case it's important.  To my disappointment, it was an ex, wanting to speak to (at) me.  As I realised that she was going to launch into a monologue, I decided to continue wanking.  She was entirely oblivious to the entire episode.  
  After reading all these posts about people finding exgirlfriends doing porn online, I felt rather disappointed I'd never found anyone I know. Then I considered all the people I'd known, and began looking on AmIALoser and HowUglyAmI and such. Much better odds.  
  When I was younger my dad used to wake me up for school.  I have always had trouble getting up on time.  So he says he'll be back in 15 minutes and I should be ready by then.  I get out of bed, take a shower, and clean my teeth.  Then I get dressed and do my hair extremely quickly.  I was just so damn proud of myself for actually doing what my dad told me to.  Then I get rudely awakened by, "Jesus Christ it's 7:50#$@$#.  Get up Moron!"  
   Tell me, what fuck-up will have you kicking yourself in the ass for the rest of your life? Well heres mine.   I first met her in the begining of senior year in highschool. My friend and I picked up a girl we knew, Adrian, and her friend in Bound Brook, which took awhile since we had no geographical knowledge of that town. I rode crammed in the back with Adrian's freind. Damn she was good looking. She was wearing a leopard skin skirt, the kind JUST short enough to let you know she was wearing a garter belt, if you know what I mean. We went to the diner and sat in the back corner. I don't remember how long we were there or what we talked about, I'll admit at that time in my life I was about as talkative as a rock. Afterall, it hadn't been long before that I was in a school for psycho's and junkies, where keeping my mouth shut was the best way to avoid a second year. Back in the car she talked to me some, I remember telling her I didn't hold anything against people, just that I usually didn't have much to say. Even when I'm trying to be nice I sound about as warm as the north poll sometimes. Stupid bastard.  We went to her house and hung around in her room for awhile. She had me and Tim sign her wall, soemthing she has everyone do apparently. I ended up writing a good portion of the song 1916 on it. It's a song about a young soldier in WWI, and one of the only songs I can remember every line to no matter how drunk I am. It didn't occur to me that Adrian may have been trying to fix me up with her friend, but then, with my reputation it was the last thing I would expect from someone.   At the end of senior year I had to make up a class, and so it was off to the school that had summer classes, shared by several nearby towns. There she was, just as beautiful, and I'll be damned, she seemed to share my taste for all black clothes. She turned out to be just as smart as I had thought she was, and pretty creative too. Best of all, when this loud mouthed punk (who I found irritating as shit) started with her one day, she just stood up and told him to put up or shut up. I've known a lot of girls who would do this sort of thing with attitude, which I found annoying. But no, she did this with confidence, which I LOVED. Especially when the kid backed down, nervous. Too bad I had overheard her say she had a boyfriend, or so I thought I'd heard.   Then, New Years Eve, standing on the porch of some dumbass frat wearing a tank top, too drunk to realize it was well below freezing, my best freind told me something I'll never forget. He told me that Tim (who I hadn't talked to in a long time, but thats another story) had said there was a girl who liked me. I asked him who, and he said "I don't know, he said it was Adrian's friend, and that you knew her." I told him about her, and how she had a boyfriend. Then he told me I was wrong, whatever I heard, I had heard wrong. She'd hdd no boyfriend, and she was pretty damn crazy about me too. All this two weeks after the last time I've ever seen her, when I ran into her at an IHOP.   She was perfect. Smart, creative, a free thinker, a strong spirit, confident without being prideful, I would have treated her like a queen. I didn't give a shit if most people probably thought she was strange, or that she was bisexual, that shit means nothing to me.  Now everytime I hear 1916, or have Bound Brook mentioned in a conversation, I feel like slamming my head into a wall. Sometimes when I'm bored and alone at night, I'll drive through Bound Brook, wondering if I'll ever run into her again.  Where the hell are you now, Christine?       
  So I fucked this guy...   And it was really good.   I fucked my boyfriend of a year.  It was not so good.    Sex is so much sweeter when it doesnt mean anything.  
  Hey you with the thick, black framed glasses: I'm on to you. You ain't fooling me with those glasses. I know you're still a dumbass.  
  I have this website that's sole purpose is to talk smack about the incredibly moronic town I live in.   As though to justify my work, I recently received an email through the site, with full header information, including first and last name and rely-to address.  In the body of the email, he signed it "Anonymous"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife and I were sitting on our couch watching T.V.   She was suffering from a pretty bad head cold.  Her nose was completely stuffed up.  I let loose with a hot, wet and oh so silent fart.  I figured I was in the clear as she couldn't smell at all.   Well she opens mouth to say something.  I knew it waas going to be a long sentance because she inhaled through her mouth pretty deeply to get a lung full of air.  Her eyes teared up and she started gagging.  "My gawd...that is the most god awful smell!"   I waited a full ten seconds befor I bust out laughing.  I had to explain to her that since her nose was so clogged she breathed it in through her mouth and "tasted" the fart more than smelled it.  Thats right honey....you just ate my fart.     
  i use to be entirely too trusting when i was young i really wanted to join my friends' club in the forest.  so among my many initiation trials there was one where i had to stand stradling a huge fucking stick, with my eyes closed. now i know what your thinking, i really wasn't that dumb...well your wrong i did it and you can guess the next part, i got my nuts shoved forcibly into my stomach hurray for me  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I started a new job. In the bathroom(door is marked "Conference Room") there hangs the following sign over the urinal.  "Shithouse Courtesy  If you take such a hefty dump that it blocks the commode, get the goddamn plunger and unclog it!  We don't have janitors here to clean up YOUR shit.  If you piss in the urinal, FLUSH IT when you are done.  Don't leave it in there to ferment into piss wine.  IT STINKS!"    
  I got a terribly disgusting yeast infection in my throat from giving my ex boyfriend too much head. Who woulda thunk an overweight metalhead with hair longer than mine would be such a foul monster?    Ah, that's OK. We only lasted 2 weeks anyway.  
  Ode to the Mullet    Mullet oh Mullet   Why are you so long?   Who cut you hair?   They did it wrong!    Mullet oh Mullet   Why do you listen to Winger?   And why do I always see you   On that show Jerry Springer?    Mullet oh Mullet   You're so good in the sack   I dig the short front   But I love the long back    Mullet oh Mullet   Seen in ol' Arkansas   Don't got one? Get one!   Mullet up...it's the LAW!    Mullet oh Mullet   Feathered just like sexy Farrah   You look so damn hot   Cruisin' in your purple '68 Camaro    Mullet oh Mullet   You're the pick of the litter   I think you would look great   On Three's Company star John Ritter    Mullet oh Mullet   Hangin at the Tranny Shack   You're business in the front   But a party in the back    Mullet oh Mullet   Guzzling down Meister Brau   3 Cases? Still Standing?   All I can say is WOW!    Mullet oh Mullet   In French: Le Moo-Lay   You'll never have the need   For a rug or toupee    Mullet oh Mullet   Like Ron Jeremy or Billy Ray   Mullets wherever you are   You just made my day!    The MC:   To all the peeps sportin' mullets at last night's Roxy Music concert....You rock my world!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         read in the paper today (mn), that some hick got a life sentence for beating his friend to death with a baseball bat over a dispute regarding 1700$ worth of pull-tab winnings. if you are familiar with pull-tabs, then you know how truly lowbrow this moment is.  
  her: man, it's so cool that I still don't have to shave. I won't have to for like 2 more weeks.  me: wax?  her: yeah first one.  me: i've helped my sister do it before. ich.  her: on her pussy?  me: um, no.  her: hope not. that shit hurt more than anything, but it is soooooo worth it now.  me: pussy waxing?  her: yeah a brazilian bikini wax.  me: what's the difference?  her: brazilian is where they throw your leg over their should and wax the whole fucking thing... all up in your ass and spread your pussy open and everything. bikini is just the sides so they don't stick out when you wear a bikini. dude man... I was crying out when she ripped some of that wax off, like on the lips part. OW!  me: god, i'm glad i'm not a woman.  
  A bunch of us were sitting around in some guy's house, kinda high, just chilling out and listening to music.  They're listening to a bunch of crap(crazy hardcore or something, they're all "rocking out"), so the girls decided we got the next pick.  I remembered a certain CD my friend had in her possession, I said, "Hey, why don't you put on the Big H?"  And the girls quickly caught on to what I meant.  My friend put the CD in and the music started.  The guys all bobbed their heads and tapped their feet, obviously getting into the music, when the three girls started cracking up in hysterical laughter.  We informed them that the music they were enjoying so much was none other than that of Hanson.  They freaked out and tried to deny that they liked it.  Silly boys.    
  A lady at the pool who was about 20 years older than me (I'm 29.. do the math) walked over to my lounge chair and said " you have a wonderful smile".  I said thank you and later retreated back to my apartment.  9pm, the old bag rings my doorbell.. here she is with a big ass bottle of wine.  I'm feeling like my mom is hitting on me.   She says, "oh what I would do to you?"  "What's that?" I ask.  "Does the phrase 'suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ring a bell?'".  I showed her to the door because I couldn't get over the Oedipus.  Now I'm scared to go back to the pool.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Hula Girl  I have a fondness for really tacky things, like pink plastic flamingos and dashboard hula girls on springs. My dashboard hula girl is the genuine article - all the way from Hawaii (via eBay). I love when I give people rides and their opinion of me drops off a cliff, all because of my tacky hula girl. Come November, my wife and stepdaughter bring my van back from the mall, giggling their heads off. They won't tell me why. I shrug, get in the van, head out to the BrewPub. I glance over at my hula girl, and drive straight off the road. It must have taken them hours to find it all -- she's wearing a fur coat, big furry boots, ski goggles, and a big fur hat...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm helping my ex boyfriend deal with his wife.  She threw him out last week after cheating on him for the past 6 months. With men, women, and having sex parties.  Last night he went to go see her and see when he could come home. She said that *if* they were ever going to get back together, they were going to have to start all over from scratch.  I hadn't the heart to tell him that in girl code, that means "I've already made my mind up. You're just wasting all your energy."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         browsing lowbrow instead of writing the two papers that are due in about 36 hours, all i can think is that this is better than actually doing my homework, but far, far inferior to buttsex.  
  Driving along some back roads in Nova Scotia on a beautiful fall day, I was struck with a very urgent need to shit.  I knew this wasn't going to be pretty, so this ruled out pulling off the road and ducking behind some bushes.  About a mile or so on we saw a sign for a diner a few miles ahead.  "I think I can make it", I thought.  We squealed into the parking lot and I bolted into the rather small and fairly busy establishment.  The waitress, somewhat alarmed at my hasty entry, just pointed at a door when I asked "Bathroom?".  Thank God it was vacant.  My bowels literally exploded 9 seconds later into what sounded like a porcelin microphone, and lasted for a good ten  minutes.  The accompanying smell would embarass a skunk.  After my internal organs readjusted themselves after such a violent expulsion, I cleaned myself up as best I could and opened the window in the bathroom as far as it could go.  Emerging from the bathroom I knew by the stares I got from everyone in the place that they knew exactly what went on in there.  I noticed that two people that were sitting at a table near the toilet when I went in had changed seats.    I felt guilty about just barging in there like that without having been a customer, so I bought a glass of milk on the way out.  The diner didn't have any paper cups, only glass, so I had to stand at the counter and drink it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I was at a keg party back home. It was a friends birthday and there were like 55 people in a two room apartment all drinking and smoking bud and doing all sorts of other things (we were snorthing some antipsychotic drug... i dont know the name but it made you twice as drunk. Some other kids were inhaling stuff and snorthing coke/heroin, etc... but i wasnt part of that).  Anyway, i had to piss, so i walked into the bathroom. There was an empty cup on the toilet (you know, the red 16 ouncers that have appeared at every keg party ever held in the history of keg parties?). Anyway.... in my inebriated state (and with what is a very large fixation on urinating in places that society deems inappropriate), I let loose and filled the cup with my piss. It looked just like beer, so I left it there.  about five minutes later a dude went into the bathroom and emerged with the cup, sipping it happily.  
  My friend is a work-at-home dad.  His wife is a lawyer.  She's hot.  Sometimes they flirt on the internet while she's at work.  Once I was at his place early waiting for him to shower so we could go do some guy shit while the kids were at school.  He comes out to find me at his computer.  He sneaks up behind me, sees what I am doing, and asks, "Are you cybering my wife?"  "Yes," I say.  "Sorry."  But I wasn't.  It's not like she was cheating on him anyway.    She was probably thinking of him the whole time.  I fail to see the problem.  
  i went to a halloween party in nyc.  open bar.  many vodka constructed drinks later i bump into the rapper Ice T, i have my picture taken with him, i told him his music influenced my life, to my knowledge ive never listened to a single track by him, i was just kind of curious what he would say.  turns out hes a nice guy.  i started throwing up a lot shortly after.  hope i didnt get any on him.  oh, and i was dressed life a fireman.  ]b[  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Wendy's calls it "Honey Mustard Dipping Sauce".   It tastes just like my mixture of mayo and cheeze-wiz.  
  I met a guy in a bar who could sing just like Willie Nelson.  He told me he just got out of prison for bank robbery, after serving in the military for twenty years.  Guess he didn't learn too much.  
  I was at my cousin's wedding reception and i had to take a piss.  They had rented "wedding" port-o-johns. they were white and nice. Unlike those construction blue ones.  I walked in and saw a seat and a urinal.  i went to the urinal and noticed it was a little high.   (i'm 5' 11" so my hight was not an issue)   i stood on my toes, and i managed to go.  there is a liite button next to it to flush. .    I went and told my brother about how high the urinal was.  he proceeded to laugh hyterically and talk as loud as he could ( he was drunk) and explain that it was a sink, not a urinal  I wish I was drunk at that point.   
  the one moment that starts out with a girl who "was doing blacks at an alarming rate..." well... i was sheltered as a youth... pot, lsd, and whiskey were around, but i had no idea he was referring to pills... i pictured this poor kid well aware his girlfriend was humping all the black kids in school while he was getting none at all... whitey can't win.  
  In junior high I remember stoping at the same house every day on the way to school.  I used to suck water out of the tall sprinkler heads they had in their garden and drink.  Something about the taste I found odly aluring.  
  Grade 9   He bursts into the room elated. "Smell my fingers." he says to Tim.  He'd just been to Andreas room.  Well I *used* to think he was cute.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Note to self: Before putting on clean panties, you must take off the pair you are currently wearing.  
  The great handjob incident of 2000  This is one of the many mishaps in my college manwhoring career.  Its a few weeks into the first semester and I spot a girl a take a shining to, and she apparently digged me as well.   After weeks of courting I drop hints of how I would like some sweet loving from her. She said to me "I wont have sex with you....but I'll give you a handjob" Ahhh what a grand greyed area middle ground that was...better then nothing I thought.  thats when all hell broke loose..  We get back to my dorm and start neckin and she starts doing the deed NOT 2 MINUTES into it she twists....and im not talking like a porno cock sucking wrist twist im talking about im ripping off you manhood twist. I scream to the gods in heaven in pain yelling "IVE DONE THIS FOR 19 YEARS HOW DID I EVER THINK YOU COULD BE AS GOOD AS ME" she ran out and i followed out in the hall still screaming and everyone was staring at me with my pants halfway down...all I said was "what the fuck are you looking at" then went inside and put ice on my member and watched half baked.  Pedro was never the same after that..  
  Today, I saw a young, slender nun on the bus. She was hot, you know, for a nun. I gave her a wink, just for kicks. Of course, she didn't bat an eye. I can't even pick up a nun.    
  Do they make Underoos for adults? And if not, Why Not?          
  Here I am waiting in line at Sears waiting for a friend to purchase a christmas gift, when suddenly I see it out of the corner of my eye.  So I go bask in the glory of what has been dubbed "the giant stuffed penguin" So I leave the penguin in my chair in the office for a while and ask the girl across from me to see how long it take people to notice before they are talking to a stuffed penguin. Low and behold some people have small snipet conversations with the penguin, and oddly enough people around the office seem to think I am some kind of coolio.   Hmmm if I would have known that the key to being cool was owning a giant stuffed penguin I would have bought one and strapped it into the passenger seat of my car years ago.  
  the salt grains i'd left on the dining table the night before had turned to drops the next morning, from sheer air humidity. later, toddling to the venue of the brunch-barbeque at a friend's house, i noticed that my shadow was barely the size of my feet, and i was reminded of how exotic my daily life has become.  
  I just found a rubber duckie vibrator online.  It's titled, "I RUB MY DUCKIE"...  My day has just been made.  
  One day my posse and I were chilling out in some garage smoking some pot.  Only one of us has any real kind of smoking device, and she didn't have it with her, so we were being ghetto and smoking out of a Pepsi can.  We decided we should make a commercial for Pepsi to send them.  It would be a big fat Jamaican man in a grass skirt taking a big hit off a Pepsi can and saying something really inane and wacky.  It was a lot funnier at the time than it is in retrospect.  We haven't made it yet.    
  three days ago a friend of ours died.  to accelerate the healing process, we hit up the local bar before the funeral.  later...  we're standing around the coffin, viewing the body (i still don't understand the point of doing this).  me: "boy, he sure looks healthy."  friend: "you would too if you stopped drinking for three days."    
   Britain De-Criminalizes Marijuana  (For the first time in 25 years, I feel like moving back...) Anyway, this from the London Times, for a change: "We really don't see it as a drug at all," said Mr. Reading, helping himself to a fat joint filled with skunk, a souped-up form of marijuana. The drug helps him find his skateboarding groove, he said. "It's not a dis   what's the word?   well, I still have my balance," he explained. "Although sometimes days go by   and before you know it a week's gone by, and you haven't done anything you're supposed to do, like get a job."   
  My friend wouldn't get out of the bathroom.  He was reading a magazine and refused to leave.  I had to shit like mad.  So, I shit on a big white platter and pissed in a tall quart-sized glass "kool aid" jug.  When he came out, I had it sitting on his computer desk with a knife, fork and napkin for him.  "Dinner's ready!"  I shouted from the other room.  
  In the real world, we have shit, phlegm, mold, and all sorts of disgusting stuff.  But in the electronic world, we have Run Time errors, core dumps, intermittent bugs, system violations and all sorts of code errors.  At least it doesn't take 20 hours of tedious work to figure out exactly where you shit in your pants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it was a very unpleasant situation, but i did learn something from it: when you call a white girl a bitch, it's an insult.  when you call a black girl the same thing, well then, them's fighting words. it ain't cool to get beat up by a girl on the first day of school.  
  This site is fantastic for a number of reasons, the main reason in my mind is this: nobody one here (hardly anybody) claims to be a plausible gentleman or lady, hence you are all earnest.  My posts on here, consequently, always display my thoughts, and not my worthless actions (like so many of yours do).   I am not an intellectual nor to I claim to be even on the ebb of a pseudo-intellectual.  Having said that I shall move on, people now days only take gratification in the degradation of others.  Which is why most of America comes home, kicks off their shoes, and turns on the TV so that they may see this degradation.  America likes to watch survivor people starving themselves in the wilderness for food, they like to watch American idol, so that they may see a worthless inoculation at the age of 30 have his/her dreams crushed, because they shall never be a pop star.  America loves the news so at the end of the day they may say  hey, my life is shit, but at least I am not that poor bastard.    That is why this site is so great, it is omnipotent among the self-esteem boosters; it allows me to, wake up, read a few posts and head off to start my day feeling good, so I may say  I am more intelligent than these fools.   It even allows me to say  I am glad I shall never know someone that pathetic in my life.   Thank you Lowbrow,                   The brain   
   Two Quotes, Separated Only By Time  Rob Reiner, commenting on the 2000 Republican Convention: "The Republican idea of diversity is to have two guys at the head of the ticket that are from two different oil companies." George "Dubya" Bush, Trenton, N.J. Sept. 23, 2002: "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."  
  Looking at a ladies credit report for her loan...she has ok credit except for a single chargeoff...  The chargeoff is with Victoria's Secret...  She is 81 years old....  Not a pretty picture...  
  August 2 years ago Los Angeles, near the airport. 1:30 P.M. Its really hot, maybe 110. Big retirement brunch at a local hotel ball room for one of the greybeards. I get in my car intending to head back to work.  Remember, its really really hot.  I roll down the window of my Toyota Corona bercause I need to fart.  Im pretty full and I want to get the gas out and it feels like a nice big one so I lean over on one cheek and press pretty hard.  And I shit myself.  A flood of hot stinky liquid that instantly soaks me and my cream Dockers and fills my car with stech.  Im 45 minutes from home.  I have no change of clothes  And it is at least 110 degrees.  I had no air conditioning.  I cursed the shrimp alfredo all the way home.    The next day I was called into my managers office and sort of yelled at about having disapeared after the banquet. I figured...what the hell. I told him that I shit myself and had to go home. I never heard about it again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         making ends meet by home car repairs. Having no drive at the time I took my car to the works car park to adjust the brakes.. jacked it up.. adjusted the rear drums... they seemed to be binding a little.  Let it down and got in. Having a few teeth missing on the flywheel I had developed the habit of starting it in gear...   just as it caught I realised I had adjusted the brakes with the parking break applied and was now heading toward the office four feet away, in first gear with no braking affect at all. I managed to turn the engine off just as I took a lamp post off at the base.. the car stopped just short of the office wall and with the lamp cables sticking in the engine compartment..   it was dusk and I had about 20 mins before the timer activated the power....  
  It was the first day of the fall semester in my second year of college.  It was time to go meet all of the nice new freshmen women.  Being an "upper classman," it was a nice easy icebreaker to introduce yourself and see if anyone had any questions about the university, where their classes were, etc.   As I confidently walked up to a nice looking group of new recruits, I introduced myself and asked if they needed anything; you know, to help them get familiarized with the campus.  After a round of introductions, a most striking woman asked me, "Ith thith the right plathe to get my sthedule," in a voice that sounded like someone with a tongue three times to big for their mouth.   Being the hip student, I just knew that this particular student had just gotten her tongue pierced, as the first step in rebelling now that she was out from under her parents watch.   Now it was my turn to impress them with my blase attitude as a seasoned student who had done this all before.   "Why are you talking like the town drunk, did you just get your tongue pierced?" "No..." The collective look of horror on their faces as I mocked her speech impediment was just enough for me to turn on my heels and walk away muttering, "..right...just kidd-kidding.."   
  Freshman year had the random drunken hookups that become meaningless and mondane after a while. You know the sort. It's not cool to realize all girl's mouths taste the same.  Sophomore year had attempts to establish real relationships, each more confusing than the last (Like that girl who neglected to mention she was engaged. Wtf?).  I think junior year will be made easier: "I'm tired of falling in love. I want to fall in hate." -The EBK  Other People suck massive dripping donkey cock.  And i guess what's LB is that i'm a relatively well-adjusted person.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I entered the porn site. And lost my soul. How was I supposed to know that VWWC meant "Voluptuos Women With Cocks?"  
  I was in Carl's Jr the other night, and there were 5 people in the joint, including me.  One black guy was on the phone with a friend of his, talking rather loudly about how long it has been since he has been "laid"... On the other side of the joint was a "Jesus Freak" who was obviously getting offended at the conversation taking place.  He gets up and walks over to the loud-talking guy and asks what all the noise it.  The black guy tells him to back off.  The Jesus Freak says that God just wants to help him. The black guy says, "Unless He wants to help me take my foot out of your ass, I suggest you mind your own business." I couldn't eat anymore because I was laughing so hard.  
  A couple fun facts about urine:  One:  It is the most sterile fluid that comes out of your body save infections or anything that causes you to pee blood.  This is due to the whole filtering system that it goes through in your body before it leaves.  The color, taste, smell is indeed caused by waste, but this waste is simply minerals that you consumed and your body doesn't really want.  Two:  Apparently every guy/girl has experienced the mystic turning of cum in to super glue in a hot shower.  Well guess what a little piss and it comes off real easy at that point.  And if you think thats gross just remember fun fact #1, and that blob of glue is rather low on the list of sterile things coming out of the body.  and with that I leave you with the following statment:  "Golden showers for all!!"  
  Last night went drinking and had bad party food.  Woke up this morning at 7:30 am and showered.  THEN my belly decides that it's time to shit.  I hate taking a shit right after I shower.  Makes me feel like I need another shower.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've never had anal sex, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.  
  younguns play at love  he walks up to her friends at the bar see that says he the chica hes pointing to has a seductivesmile on and is lightly touching some bruisers shoulder no no they tell him shes not flirting thats doink hes a friend of hers from the neighborhood great he says but shes fuckingflirting with him no no no they tell him  i would bet my left arm she let bruiser ride her like the dimestorepony that she is that night  but whats up with her friends  pulling wings off a fly         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so fatboy the secretaires and the accountants and i are out standing along the building having a smokers break fatboys got the shakes from too much boozing the night before i believe it was long island ice teas he starts a tirade and in the midst of it a pigeon desposits its droppings into his coffee cup he pulls a pregnant pause and is about to breathe new life into his tirade when he starts to motion for a sip of joe i watched everyone there watch him as he was about to sip the cup everyone had seen the dropping everyone knew he was about to drink the excrement of the winged rat i stopped him but i sure as hell wont turn my back on that crew again        
  In the Indianapolis Star, Sunday 13 January 2002, page L1, right column (the purple column), under "Rentals":  673 Carmel Across from Plum Creek, four bedroom, two and one-half bath, 2300 square feet, fenced back yard, large dick, pool. $1,600 month plus deposit.  I bet that this rental property got a lot of interest.  
  Being at the point where you're ready to take your paintball gun, camo outfit, and canisters upstairs to shoot the kid in the head should give some recognition to the apartment office attendants. I've told them too many fucking times about the assholes upstairs that let their kid run and stomp around till 2:30 in the morning and seem to have absolutely no concept of living above someone, but do they care? HELL NO. They basically look at me like a retard and tell me they will send a letter asking them to stop.  Letter gets sent. I come outside to find they've poured some shit on my chairs outside. Move the chair, let it dry, come back out to find they've dumped something else AFTER I've moved the fucking chair to have it soaked once more. I swear if there weren't laws against giving people what they deserve they'd all have quite a few welts on their fucking faces.  
  took a friend of mine who was on acid to a theme park ...  we got on the rollercoaster, and the employees checking seatbelts stopped at the car in front of us, and the employees behind us had problems with a belt behind us; they never did check ours...  as the car began to go up the hill, i casually pointed out to my friend what had happened...  she screamed "they didn't check our seat belts!" the entire ride...  fucking with paranoid people is fun  
  Every twenty dollar bill I extract from the Bank of America ATM is like a strand of DNA ripped from my genetic base - and the greedy motherfuckers charge me two bucks on top of that, no respect for ammino.          
  I kept telling God to fuck off.  He warned me.  I defied Him, laughing at his petty warning.  He warned me some more.  Still I mocked.  Then he blocked me.  So I switched screen names.  Hmm... must've signed off...        
  I had to quit the day I realized I really, really cared if they supersized their fries.   So I spat in the secret sauce vat and left quietly.  
  My little brother and I were being driven somewhere by gramma. An ambulance goes by with sirens blaring. He turns to me with a grin and says "Hope he dies."    What an evil piece of crap.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I said "everytime the raiders win baby jesus cries"  I'm so amazed she was that offended.  I never thought she was a christian. Maybe she just really likes the raiders?  
  You know how when you're stoned, sometimes you space out and you start seeing double?  I was sitting on my bed thinking stoner thoughts, and realized I was spacing out while looking at my leg.  I though to myself, "Hey, cool, I'm seeing double!"  Then I realized you're SUPPOSED to have two legs.  
  I watched in horror as the 6 plates slid of my serving tray in slow motion.   All four of them simultaniously saved their beers. "So does this entitle me to a free bud light?" he asked. Bud light?????        
  My friend has a cemetary from the 1700's somewhere in the woods behind his house that nobody knows about except for us and his dad. One day during our regular drug-use activities, we got the idea that we should exhume the graves in order to rob them.  After sobering up, I pointed out that there was probably nothing of value.   I suggested stealing the skulls and throwing them at oncoming cars at night.   Z  
  Jason and I getting stoned this morning:  Jason:  When I was really running, I was up to like 8 - 10 miles a day.  Me:  Wow.  Thats a hike.  Jason:  But I cant stand the pretentious jogger apparel so I just wear dickies and a button down.  Cops in Chicago give you funny looks when you run wearing that shit.  Me:  Ha no shit.  Jason:  And a ski mask.  
  While pissing at the urinal, I accidentally let go of my underwear band, and it snapped back on my nuts. Such a simple thing, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.   But fuck did that hurt like a bitch  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate the double shits, triple shits even more. You know the ones, you get up from your desk, walk past the skanky secretary (who would blow you if you put $20 into the birthday fund), and hit the john. Its a little harder than normal to get it out, but out it comes. You clean up, walk back to your desk, but its back, it didnt quite finish the first time, you need to go back. Walk past that skanky secretary one more time, sit down again. Ahh that feels better. You sit and wait, even stand up, clean up and wait for a bit before you put your pants back on. The coast is clear, walk back to your desk, make it halfway, before round three decides its ready to come out...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can't get out of bed.  I can't but I can't.  I try to go back to sleep.  I've been in bed for 16 hours now.  The remote is on top of the TV, it's too far to reach.  Fuck it.        
  I'm in the bathroom with one of my friends, while she proceeds to stick her finger down her throat so she'll puke. Yes. We're at a party. No. She's not anorexic. I stand there holding her hair back with one hand, while I hold my beer in the other. She finishes and sees that I've poured her a glass of water, and have found some mouth wash. "Do this often I take it?" she says. " Not even once..." I tell my friend about this little "experience" to hear her reply of "SWEET! Cuz I'm gunna be 10 times worse on Thursday" Yay!  
   My friend and I went to the store and there were two hot guys working behind the counter... We flirted they flirted. We laughed they laughed. One of them winked at me and I winked back. We got our condoms and left...My friend and I that is and went back to our boyfriends. Oh yes Life is Grand   
  I was sitting there in my stifling hot apt. staring mindlessly at the television when conciousness began to seep back in.   "Damnit, somthings wrong." I thought.  For the life of me I could not think what it was.  The sun was going down and it washed the room in a surreal glow, due in part to the orange bedsheets we were using for curtains.    "We." I have roommate, maybe he would know what's wrong, but I don't know where he is.   My head is throbing and I am made painfully aware of it by a sudden fire alarm.  Another fucking fire alarm. Now here is somthing familar, almost every single day some kid pulls the fire alarm. It happens so often that the fire trucks don't even get here for at least 20 min. anymore.  "Oh God, 20 min., my head is gonna explode."  I decide to get up. I peel my body off the easy chair and my entire back is wet with sweat.  My legs feel wobbly. Still I cannot think what is wrong.  There's something I should be doing I realize but...  I shuffle over to the window and look out.  Kids scream and laugh in the courtyard, a car alarm wails in the distance, but still no sirens and the fire alarm continues it's mind numbing clatter.  Life goes on... No answers here.   I notice Cheers is on. Sam's drinking soda water,  hmmn...water.  I walk to the kitchenette to get a glass of water.  The sink is overflowing with dishes, literally.  I can't even get my glass under the tap, and the cockroaches almost look menacing, prepared to defend their dish pile, a little kingdom of crud.  I walk to the bathroom and find the mirror over the sink is now in pieces over the sink, the toilet the tub and floor, there are even slivers stiking out of a bar of soap.   I run the tap and pour a glass of water.  As I drink I think " This must have something to do with it, but still what?"   The phone rings, I jump a little and put my foot down on a shard of glass.  "Fuck!" I holler.  As I sit down to pull it out of my foot the answering machine picks up. There is a familiar voice, my roomate.  " Heyy mann..." the voice is a little slurred. "...I'm at the bar...where arre youu? heh...heh...bye."  Sitting there on the floor with a bloody toe and fire alarm ringing in my ears, I feel all at once sick, angry and deppressed.  "Oh, that's what's wrong.." I mumble while holding my toe, " I'm sober."         
  I just took an IQ test, I scored a 144, and then, while trying to share my triumph, I tripped over my sock and fell on my ass.  I'm gifted.  
  I dated a guy who enjoyed feeding me long island iced teas and passing out with me in my bed afterward.  My stomach was the only one who had a problem with this relationship, causing me to vomit all over my bed, my down pillow, and the guy.    He was cool about getting his vomit-drenched pants dry-cleaned.  I, on the other hand, thought by some grace of God that I could clean my pillow myself.  Being a busy college student, I put the pillow in a garbage bag and threw it in my closet until I had ample time to work on the stain.    That was almost 3 years ago...   
  I remember shitting my pants half way through a car journey with my parents and three siblings and blaming the smell on my younger brothers farting. On occasions now he mentions about the time on a car journey and how he was constantly farting. Another time I peed in my fathers footwear and let him take the blame. Again he sometimes mentions the event and has accepted his blame for the sordid event.  Hey as long as he's not mentally scared by the event its okay isnt it??  
  Remember  After a pint of Guiness and 4 double vodka tonics, a double shot of tequilla is NOT recommended!  
  So, I'm like, 18 or 19, and old enough to know better, and a bunch of us are picking up a friend from play rehearsal. We're sitting in the car in the parking lot, windows rolled down, and I see this kid about 50 yards away -- this kid who was allegedly friends with my little brother for about a year, but who dicked him around all the time. Anyway, the kid was a punk, or at least he had been when he hung out with my brother.  I give him the finger. Sort of, anyway, because he doesn't see me -- I'm in the car and he's not looking my direction anyway. But I feel like I'm quietly avenging my brother, or something. I actually hold the finger for an extended period, tracking him with it as he traverses the parking lot. My friends, by the way, are talking and don't see me doing this.  But the kid's mom does! She's a few yards behind him and has been watching me wish hatred upon her firstborn for a good thirty seconds; and she starts screaming, "THAT IS NOT VERY NICE!"  The kid turns around and sees my finger a half-second before I drop my hand, turn bright red, and shrink into my seat.  The kid's mom yells some more. Then they leave.  The worst part was having to explain to my friends what the hell that was about.  (On the other hand, when he saw me, the kid looked as guilty and ashamed as I did. Sucker knew the gesture wasn't unmerited.)  
  Which is more terrifying?  An iguana with human hands that crawls across your chest during that period between asleep and awake?  Or eating sahimi out of Barbara Bush's bush?  
  When I was in the Navy we rescued a small sinking boat of the Med Sea with Morrocian refuges heading to Spain. Years later I get on a cab and when I get off he tells me "Remember me you gave me water and blankets" and then shot me in the ass.  
  I was done with my dinner... and too lazy to wrap it up so I put it on the floor and let my dog eat it... and when she was done she just looked at me, as if to say "more?" so I popped a zit on my shoulder and fed her the contents.  
  A really simple, practical reason that pot is superior to booze:  think about how much booze you can comfortably carry, say, up a mountain, or through a forest. A six-pack? How long does that last?  Now think about how much pot you could carry without breaking a sweat, towards that same peak, or along that same route. You could get the whole fucking high with what you could fit in your change pocket.  Plus, no hangovers. Fuck booze.  
  One of those drug and alcohol awareness high school things with the motivational speakers and washed-up bar band singers who've turned to christ, etc. The county sherriff is describing to the auditorium a really big pot bust from years ago, "...and by the time we got them boys offa that boat, it was too late. They'd smoked so much pawt that  THEY WAS  RETAHDED. ."   
  it's the week before i get my period, so i'm super horney. so i tell my boyfriend that when he comes home from school on tues. i'm going to rip his clothes off and suck his cock and fuck him raw.  he tells me that he's sick and he dosen't want to do anything sexual.  last week i was sick and i still sucked him off with snot running down my face.  why can't i find a guy with a libido?  
  i would have imagined this only happens in strange movies, but i found myself in a bathroom stall at kmart in west columbia, sc this weekend, and i started hearing what sounded like the guy in the next stall beating off... it stopped and i assumed that either i was just hearing things or he was shaking off after a piss. then i get up to leave, and he says "hey" i don't know what i was thinking at this point - maybe he needed some TP or something, so i say "yeah?" "you from around here - where are you from?" as he peers at me through the crack in the stall door. "i'm from atlanta - why?" "oh, you look like someone i know" at this point, he comes out of the stall, with his pants down to his knees but with his boxers on. "no, i'm from atlanta - you don't know me" i say as i start to walk off. "hey" he says as i open the door to leave. "yeah?" "you wanna play around a little?" my mind went blank, and i said the only thing that i could think of at the time, which was "no, but thanks anyway"  
  My three year old got stung by a bee on his eyelid.  I pulled out the stinger and he was fine, but when he woke up later that day from a nap, his eye had swollen shut.  A huge shiny bulging monstrosity of an eye.  But I laughed because I thought it looked kind of cool and told him to go look in the mirror.  I figured he'd find it as amusing as I did.  But he took one look and let out a bloodcurdling scream of terror and started running around hysterically.    Some people are born without a sense of humor.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'd thought I was pretty good at knowing my limits. But at the first alcoholic event of my freshman year, I somehow managed to drink enough to knock me flat on my stomach, unconscious, in a puddle of my own vomit -- within the first 45 minutes.   The next few hours were spent first crying and puking in the bathroom, then sobbing on the floor of my bedroom for no apparent reason (hint: never ask to hear "The Drugs Don't Work" when your BAC is above .2), then having two friends lead me around by the hands whilst I eagerly stumbled up to any guy who looked remotely familiar and oh-so-casually asked: "So I don't suppose you'd be interested in having sex with me?" When the inevitable rejection came, I merely shrugged and turned to look for my next target.   Eventually I sobered up enough to handle myself again. My friends went to bed, and in a last-ditch effort I casually turned to some poor geeky fellow who'd been following us around for a while and asked: "So I don't suppose you'd be interested in having sex with me?"  "Really?!" he said hopefully.   I ended up spending the night in his bed, but even though I consumed several more ounces of peppermint shnapps, I couldn't bring myself to go through with it.   I'd like to say this whole incident taught me a lesson, but similar episodes happened again more often than I'd like to admit. Like the following weekend.   I'd like to say I've gotten better at soliciting sex, too, but probably not.   
  You know that song "Brown Eyed Girl"?  Well the first line is "Hey where did we go...."  Um, i htought it was "Hey Rodreigo..."        
  first week of freshman year at college.  saturday morning 4a.m.  i wake up from that groggy half-sleep state before actual sleep to see the drunkenly swaying hulking form of my 200 lb rugby player roommate standing at the foot of my bed with his dick in his hand, about to ruin my sheets.  by the time he's half finished i managed to find a container...  i could never stop laughing every time i saw him eating cheerios out of that bowl.  
  i really,Really like McShakes.   flavor is irrelivant, its all about texture.  i suck in a mouthful and then i crunch the tiny,little ice crystals in my teeth.  what?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Her: Where were we going with this? Me: Nowhere in praticular. Her: Most conversations are like that, aren't they? Me: One would hope. Her: That's what I said when I read a survey saying that 100% of the people who got pregnant in 1975 were women. I mean, I suppose science can do wonders these days, but one would like to think that... well, you get the idea.  I read a lot of interesting statistics. And yet that one sticks out in my mind.  What would have been scarier is if it was 99.9%, because then you'd always wonder about that .1%  I like her.  
  Bruce Willis is now doing a campaign to promote adoption.  This dickhead can't keep his marriage together, but he's now the spokesperson for adoption?  Ten years ago he did an anti-drug commercial, while simultaneously doing commercials for wine coolers.  Fuck Bruce Willis.  
  "168  people, 4 uniformed police officers, 2 uniformed sherifs deputies, countless off duity officers, a mayor, my fience, her mom, my boss, his wife, his girlfriend, her girlfriend, his wife's boyfriend, his father, my best friend, his sister, his mother, his girlfriend, their dog, all of my co-workers, almost all of my friends, my fience's ex-boyfriend, his new boyfriend, and 3 homeless men have all smoked out of my pipe."  The week I wrote this for my English Comp term paper my pipe fell out of my boat and into the lake.    I now have a new pipe and I am up to 32 people...  
  I decided that before I graduated from college, I wanted to have a lesbian experience.  My bisexual boss hit on me relentlessly, but that was too creepy, and she's not attractive.  Plus, I think she wanted me to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend, who is ten years older than me (I'm 21).  Well, May came and went, and I never had my experience.    But last week, my boyfriend of 7 months told me that if  I wanted to explore that area, I could, and he would respect my privacy about it, and not ask questions or try to use it to get anything else out of me.  Cool, right?  Well, I looked around on website matching services to find chicks looking for other chicks, and I learned a big lesson:  Real lesbians are not pretty.  And if they're pretty, they are FUCKING SCARY.    There goes that idea.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sunday morning, my dad's house. He had left me (17 yrs old) in charge of the house while it was being sold.  There's a knock at the door. Too tired to check who it is, I open it.  A hot chick - SCORE!  Holding Jehovah's Witness pamphlets - DOH!  I'm looking all sexy in just boxers - SCORE!  But it's the middle of winter and very cold - DOH!  I stand in the doorway and listen to her preach to me while staring at her tits - DOH/SCORE!  I invite her in, telling her "it's cold out - let's talk some more", she bites - SCORE!  I don't score, but I'm forced to listen to her talk for another 45min while my erection becomes unconfortably unmanageable. - DOH!  If there is a God, I'm going to hell for sure. I'll see you all there.  
  There is a line from an episode of  Cheers  that I have stolen and have used to great effect in far too many situations than I would like. I am always justified in saying it: "It's a sad, sad day when  I  must be the voice of reason." I have said it while standing in the midst of a broken coffee table wearing only a cowboy hat.  
  she had just finished changing the baby's diaper when she sat down to have lunch with me. As she lifted the sandwich to her mouth, her face changed.  my left hand smell's like the baby's ass she said a little too matter of factly  she ate the rest of the sandwich with her right hand. she's the coolest chick I know.  
  "wujewidincoo?" i didn't know what to do.  "what?" i asked. "wshewilnskoo?" i still didn't understand him.  so i just stared with a confused look on my face. then she told me what he just said, and i replied, "oh, yeah, she was pretty wild in school."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I was on a Vancouver city bus, and I got a really horrible nosebleed. While this is horrible in itself when surrounded by people on all sides, I dropped a blood-soaked kleenex and it bounced off a seated woman's shoulder. She picked it up and handed it back to me. I'm surprised she wasn't horrified.  
  I was in Reno with some co-workers, and of all the places they suggested for breakfast, Denny's was actually the *most* appealing to me.        
  I just read a story that was so similar to my experiences that I had to submit my own version.  A friend of mine owns a cat...an ancient, seedy, grey thing that sits there giving you antagonistic looks. It's name is Sutra (theres another cat there called Kama, clever eh? hehe) and this cat has a severe bladder problem.  Sutra (The Pisscat) is notorious in the household and likes to take revenge whenever it's chucked outside or not fed when it wants to be. More than once have I picked it up and it has let loose its legacy all over me...  Now, once in a while i sleep over at my friends place in the main living room and this area just happens to be the main "urine grounds" of the pisscat. About a month ago i woke up 3 times to the sound of running water next to my head... lowbrow thing is...it comes and crawls right next to my head and nose afterwards and tries to cuddle up. Hey, what can i say? I'm an animal lover i suppose.  Also, I've written a song about it...  
  Tonight is going to be an interesting dinner.  First night at the new apartment.  No bed, nothing.  Going to be very ghetto.  Oh, about dinner: I have a lot of food. Some canned, lots of pasta.  But the problem is making it. I don't have any metal ware, i.e. I can't use the stove. But my microwave isn't here, so I can't use my plastic bowl.  Plastic bowl and the stove won't work.  I think I'm going to try and find my swiss army knife.  Cut the labels off of beef stew can.  Poke hole in top, Place directly on Burner.  When it's hot I'll remove it with a wet sock or towel or something.  Oh yea.  I don't have dinner silverware yet either.  So I'll be eating it with a mixing spoon, big long plastic one.  I love living on my own.   
  I am attracted to the weirdest boys.  The skinny boy with the blue hair and ultra baggy clothing just totally does it for me for some reason.  Of course, I realize, as my tongue is deep in his ass and he is moaning so loud I think we are going to wake his roommate, that he wears the blue hair for attenetion because his body is incredibly tight.  GOds, I love being gay.  
  i quit my job today.  my boss is a dick.  guess that makes me a pussy...        
  I think the guy across the street has some form of obsessive/compulsive disorder, because he washes his car every single day. It's not even that great a car or anything, and he spends two to three hours at a time, each and every day. It's a little hard to decide if it's OCD or my constant egging. Either way, go go go Felix Unger go!   
  I had about fifty hits of acid, still connected in a sheet. I gave some to my friend to sell, because he knew some people that wanted it. And I let him keep some for himself.  He sold acid to a fourteen-year-old girl. He said that she was laughing hysterically, pausing briefly to point at him and scream, "You did this to me!" before going back to laughing.  
  I warned them that I get bad gas in the morning so the car trip would be fairly long but do'nt worry I'll sleep on the road. I woke up with no one in the car and all the windows rolled down and the doors open on the side of the road. I let one go in my sleep and they just could'nt take it.  Got to love girls.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some old ex-hippy tried to kiss me at the bus stop. He told me they called him Christopher "in California" I had a dream he was chasing me down the street, so I had my mommy drive me to school the next day even though I was in college.  
  That moronic bitch showed up on my doorstep at 3 in the AM, whining about how her boyfriend had just slapped her around and she was afraid to go home and could she sleep on my couch. She had a blackeye like in a cartoon, a ripped blouse, and only one shoe.  I talked her into napping on the porch, because she smelled like feet and old cheese, and had a distinct wet spot on the seat of her jeans.  Lots easier than having the couch steamcleaned, let me assure you.  
  I was naked. There was a full length mirror. I turned around. I farted. Loudly. I've never seen anything cooler in my life.  
  I think that sometimes we Americans are too fanatical about bathing.  I mean, a few days or so without soap and water won't kill ya.  In fact, you can get to a point in personal stinkyness where the smell is, well, cool, erotic even.  This one time, my GF and I went hiking for a week on the dirty.  Man, it may sound grose, but, when we did the nasty on the last day out, it was like really cool.  I don't think I've ever cum so much in my life.  We even did oral on each other, and it was neat and sexxy that I could still smell my honey's honey  on me at the end of the day.  Makes me wonder how guys and gals in parts of the world where hygiene isn't so nazified can get away with cheating.                  
  Met a girl in a bar once and had a conversation over a few drinks. The conversation led to oral sex somehow and she says:   "You're full of shit. Nobody actually does that, you watch too much porn."  Brought her back to my place where we read lowbrow for an hour. In that time she read about 30 or 40 Ladeefrickingda and cheerleaderatyercrotch posts. I got a whole lot more than a blow job that night. Thanks lowbrow women. =)  -Dj  
  the velveeta rabbit   There was once a rabbit made entirely out of Velveeta, and in the beginning, he seemed really splendid. He was advertised on television as 'melting better than Cheddar,' and he could be served atop any number of wonderful foods, such as broccoli, mashed potatoes, and ham. He had been carved out of a solid slab of Velveeta cheese, fresh out of its foil wrapper and oblong paper box. On Thanksgiving morning, when he sat wedged in the refrigerator, between the leftover meatloaf and the salad dressing, the effect was appetizing.   There were other things in the refrigerator: nuts and oranges and a bit of very old Kool-Aid, and lettuce and spam, and a few things which no one had been able to identify for several months, but the Rabbit was quite the best of all. For at least forty-five seconds the Boy stared at him hungrily, but then Aunts and Uncles came to dinner, and there was a great chopping and dicing of onions and garlic, and in the ensuing panic that followed as the Boy's sinuses became inflamed, the Velveeta Rabbit was forgotten.   For a long time he lived in the refrigerator or on the kitchen counter, and no one thought very much about him. He was naturally mellow, and being only made of pasteurized processed cheese food, some of the more expensive foods quite snubbed him. The hors d'oeuvres were very superior, and looked down upon everyone else; they were full of fancy foods, such as caviar and little hot dogs rolled up in buns, and they pretended that they were tasty. The filet mignon, who had been carefully sliced from the choicest part of the cow, but had gone a little rancid from sitting in the refrigerator for too long, caught the tone from the other foods and never missed an opportunity of referring to his past life as a partial cow. The Rabbit could not claim to be a partial anything, for he didn't know that cheese was produced by cows, and he thought all cheeses were like himself, and were destined to be cut with a hot knife and served with a bit of ham on a Saltine. Even the tuna casserole, who was made out of various edible items, and should have had broader views, put on airs and pretended it was affiliated with something it called The Chicken of the Sea. Between them all the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Cabernet Sauvignon.   The Cabernet Sauvignon had been in the kitchen longer than any of the others. He was so old that his label was starting to peel and showed the glass underneath, and most of the speckles in his cork had dulled to a uniform gray brown. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of fancy foods arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by be forgotten about and grow strange green fuzz and begin to smell horrible, and he knew that they were only delicacies, and would never be truly enjoyed by anyone. For kitchen magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those foods that are aged and spirited and bubbly like the Cabernet Sauvignon understand all about it.   "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the hot water tap, before Dianne came to tidy the kitchen. "Does it mean costing eighty-three dollars an ounce and tasting nasty?"   "Real isn't how much you cost," said the Cabernet Sauvignon. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child waits to eat you for a long, long time, not just to eat, but to REALLY savor you, then you become Real."   "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.   "Sometimes," said the Cabernet Sauvignon, for he was always well-tempered. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."   "Does it happen all at once, like being popped into the microwave," he asked, "or bit by bit, like being broiled?"   "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Cabernet Sauvignon. "Microwaves NEVER cook anything that tastes real. Good food takes a long time. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your coloring has changed, most of your flavoring has been replaced with herbs and spices, and you have silly little bits of parsley on your head. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be unappetizing, except to people who prefer fast food."   "I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Cabernet Sauvignon a little transparent. But the Cabernet Sauvignon only smiled.   "The Boy's parents made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago, when they still babbled in affectionate puppy love to each other, but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."   The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing dry and crusty and congealing on the bottom was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.   There was a person called Dianne who ruled the kitchen. Sometimes she took no notice of the edibles lying about, and sometimes, for no reason whatever, she went swooping about like a great wind and hustled them away in cupboards. She called this "tidying up," and the foods all hated it, especially the overripe ones. The Rabbit didn't mind it so much, for wherever he was thrown, he rebounded.   One evening, when the Boy was going to bed, he couldn't find the cookies that he always ate with his milk. Dianne was in a hurry, and it was too much trouble to hunt for cookies at bedtime, so she simply looked about her, and seeing that the cupboard door stood open, she made a swoop.   "Here," she said, "take your old Bunny! He'll go well with milk!" And she dragged the rabbit out by one foot, and put him on the Boy's placemat.   That night, and for many nights after, the Velveeta Rabbit sat on the Boy's placemat. At first he was nervous about being eaten, but the Boy couldn't seem to bring himself to eat such an endearing piece of culinary art, and would just stare and run his fingers over the Rabbit's ears as he sipped his milk. Soon the rabbit grew to like it, for the Boy's gentle stroking felt very pleasant, and the Boy would pretend to give him sips of milk, and hop him around the placemat.   And so time went on, and the little Rabbit was very happy-so happy he never noticed how his beautiful Velveeta ears were getting stubbier and stubbier from stroking, and his feet were getting blunt, and there was a rancid smell coming from his chin where the Boy had dribbled milk on him.   Another week came, and the Boy began taking the Rabbit to school in his lunch box. At lunch time he would take the Rabbit out and stare at it, despite the jeers of his friends, who thought that a Boy who played with a bit of artificial cheese must be looney.   And once, when the Boy went back to his house, the Rabbit was left in the cold locker long after dusk, and Dianne had to come and look for him because the Boy couldn't go to sleep without drinking milk and playing with his bunny. He was covered in eraser rubbings and dust, and Dianne grumbled as she covered him in Saran Wrap and put him into the refrigerator.   "You must have your old Bunny!" she said. "Fancy all that fuss for a bit of pasteurized processed cheese food!"   The Boy sat up in bed and stretched out his hands.   "Give me my Bunny!" he said. "You mustn't say that. He's not imitation. He's REAL cheese!"   When the little Rabbit heard that, he was happy, for he knew that what the Cabernet Sauvignon had said was true at last. The kitchen magic had happened to him, and he was a commercial by-product no longer. He was real cheese. The Boy himself had said it.   That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little dairy heart that it almost curdled. And into his orangish skin, that had gone hard and dry, there came a whitish tone, and an aged smell, so that even Dianne noticed it the next morning when she picked him up, and said, "I declare if that old Velveeta hasn't got quite a well-aged scent to it!"   That was a wonderful weekend!   Near the house where they lived was a shopping center, and in the late afternoon the Boy liked to go there to find quarters for the gum machines. One day he took the Velveeta Rabbit with him, and they wandered through the shopping mall, looking at toys and candies and all sorts of other things which spoiled Boys like. One afternoon, as they entered an old wooden shop, the Rabbit saw two strange beings staring at him.   They were cheeses, like himself, but with red wax coatings and tied in lovely string packages. They must have been well made, for they didn't get melty at all, and they were bunched together in round, solid, delicious-smelling wheels. The rabbit stared hard to see where the bits of tin foil had stuck to their skin rather than peeling off properly. But he couldn't see it. They were evidently a new kind of cheese altogether.   They stared at him, and the little Rabbit stared back. And all the time they smelled scrumptious.   "Why don't you get yourself served with a dry dinner wine?" one of them asked.   "I don't feel like it," said the Rabbit, for he didn't want to explain that the general consensus was that cheese previously covered in tin foil was not appropriate for serving with a dry dinner wine.   "Ho!" said the waxy cheese. "It's as tasty as anything." And he indicated a large poster showing a handsome platter of Ementhal Swiss served with Rosemary baguettes and Chardonnay. "I don't believe you can!"   "I can!" said the little Rabbit. "I can be served with anything!" He meant when the little boy ate and stared at him, but of course he didn't want to say so.   "Can you complement a good rye?" asked the waxy cheese.   That was a dreadful question, for the Velveteen Rabbit had no idea what a rye was! The boy only ate Wonder Kids or Roman Meal bread in front of him. He said nothing, hoping that the other cheeses wouldn't notice.   "I don't want to!" he said again.   But the aged cheeses have very sharp flavors, especially the cheddar, and they had never met anyone scented like this before.   "He hasn't got any aging!" one called out. "Fancy a fine cheese without any aging!" And he began to laugh.   "I have!" cried the little Rabbit. "I have got aging! I just have a muted coating!"   "Then prove it," said the fine cheese, and it got up on its end and rolled over toward the Rabbit. Suddenly it stopped and fell over on its side.   "He doesn't smell right!" he exclaimed. "He isn't a real cheese at all! He isn't real!"   "I am Real!" said the little Rabbit. "I am Real! The Boy said so!" And he nearly began to weep oils.   Just then the Boy came back, and picked up the little Rabbit, carrying him out the door.   "Please believe me!" called the little Rabbit. "Oh, do believe me! I know I am Real!"   But the Boy kept on, and the cheeses laughed inside their expensive shop.   "Oh, dear," thought the Rabbit. "Why did they not believe me? The Boy said I was Real."   For a long time that evening, he lay in the refrigerator, watching the Jello set, and thinking about what the cheeses had said.   Days passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and smelly, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that his fingers permanently squeezed imprints in the Rabbit's shape, and his color began to turn green, and his ears broke off and were gobbled up by the dog. Soon the boy had squeezed him into a ball-like blob, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy. To him he was always scrumptious, and that was all the Rabbit cared about. He didn't mind how he smelled to other people, because the kitchen magic had made him Real, and when you are Real rottenness doesn't matter.   And then the Boy went crazy.   He babbled incoherently, banged his head on walls, and ran up and down the street screaming, "I'm a chicken, I'm a chicken!" It was a long, weary time, for the Boy was too weird to eat properly, and he began devouring bizarre foods, such as marbles and coins and mayonnaise and Spam and Chef Boyardee. The Rabbit found it disconcerting to watch all these alien objects pass down the Boy's gullet, but he sat droopily in the refrigerator, and looked forward to the time when the Boy would be well again, and they would go out to the shopping center like they used to. Presently, the Boy's sanity returned, and the Boy got better. He was able to eat more edible foods, like Cream of Wheat, and peanut butter sandwiches.   One day the psychiatrist came into the house and began collecting items that he felt were a bad influence on the boy. Just then Dianne caught sight of the Rabbit.   "How about his old Bunny?" she asked.   "That?" said the psychiatrist. "Why, that's most likely the very source of the poor boy's problems!-throw it out at once. What? Nonsense! Feed him serious foods, like porridge. He mustn't be allowed to play with his food like that any more!"   And so the little Rabbit was put into a plastic bag with old corn husks and watermelon rinds and a lot of leftovers, and carried out to the end of the garden behind the playset. That was a fine place to make a compost pile, only the gardener was too busy trimming to use fertilizer right now.   That night the Boy had spaghetti, with garlic bread and chocolate pudding for desert. And while the Boy was eating, enjoying every bite, the little Rabbit lay with his head stuck partially into a rotten tomato, and he felt very lonely. He was feeling very hot and fluid, for he had always been used to sleeping in the refrigerator, and by this time his innards were quite green and liquid. Nearby he could see the thicket of bamboo, growing tall and close like a botanical prison. He thought of those long, cool hours on the Boy's placemat-how happy they were-and a great sadness came over him. He seemed to see all those hours pass before him, each more beautiful than the other, the cookie crumbs, the little milk dribbles, the chaotic, painful bouncing across the table. He thought of the Cabernet Sauvignon, so wise and spirited, and all that he had told him. Of what use was it to be loved and lose one's flavor and become Real if it all ended like this? And a wax tear, real wax, trickled down his little discolered Velveeta nose and fell to the ground.   And then a strange thing happened. For where the tear had fallen, a hoof poked out of the ground, a mysterious hoof, not like any of the dog's or cat's paws. It was attached to a leg covered with coarse brown hair, and was itself very hard and black. It was so bizarre that the little Rabbit forgot to cry, and just lay there watching it. And presently the hoof was followed by a huge mooing animal-a cow.   She was quite the loveliest cow in the whole world. Her horns were made of ivory, and there was a solid gold bell round her neck, and her moo was like heavenly music. And she came close to the little Rabbit and licked him up in her her tongue.   "Little Rabbit," she said, "don't you know who I am?"   The Rabbit looked up at her, and it seemed to him that he had seen her nose before, but he couldn't think where.   "I am the kitchen magic Cow," she said. "I take care of all the dairy products that the children have loved. Needless to say, this is the first job I've ever had. But I take them away and turn them Real."   "Wasn't I Real cheese before?" asked the little Rabbit.   "You were Real to the Boy," the Cow said, "and Real Disgusting to everyone else. But now you shall be Real Cheese to everyone."   And she slurped the Rabbit up in her tongue and swallowed him down.   The Rabbit spent many hours being spit up and rechewed, then shivering in strange agony as digestive juices finally managed to break him down, although they weren't happy about it, and told the Cow so with painful indigestion. Later the next morning, the Cow was milked, and the milk was taken and carefully processed into a delightfully tangy cheddar. The cheddar was coated in wax and taken to the cheese shop.   Once there the Rabbit sat quite still and never moved. For when he saw all those fine cheeses sitting about him he suddenly remembered about his peculiar odor, and he didn't want them to see that he contained artificial colors and flavors, as well as BHT to preserve freshness. He might have sat there a long time, too shy to speak, if just then he hadn't noticed a bottle of Chablis; and before he thought what he was doing, he complemented it.   And he found that he actually had flavor! Instead of a spongy consistency he had a waxy covering, red and unyielding, his odor was sharp and appealing, and his flavor was so yummy that his price sticker was well over six dollars! He was a Real Cheese at last, at home with the other cheeses.   Sunday passed, and Monday, and on Tuesday, when the Boy got out of school, he wandered over to the cheese shop. And while he was browsing, he noticed two cheeses sitting on the counter. One of them had an imprint on its wax; it was that of a small, shy, melting rabbit. And something about the odor to that cheese was so familiar that the Boy thought to himself: "Why that looks just like my old Bunny that was lost when I went bonkers!"   But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, sitting on the counter and staring at the child who had first helped him to be Real.     
  So I met this girl who I thought was into me, but it turns out that she really loves this other guy who likes to watch her fuck other guys.  So now I'm playing their game, while trying to steal her away, and knowing I probably don't have a chance.   On one hand I'm dissing this guy behind his back, and on the other, I am helping cater to his freaky sex fantasy.  The amusing irony of it all is the only thing that balances out the bad karma and angst.  Also, I'm worried that this might officially make me some kind of "swinger".  
  Ney York Times reporter interviewing some young American soldiers who were rooting out the last of the Taliban in the Afgani mountains:  Soldier: "The Taliban guys are crazy -- I think we'll have to to end up killing them all. They seem to want to die for Allah!"  Reporter: "Would you not be willing to die for Jesus?"  Soldier: "Sure I would -- but these guys take it to extremes."  
  his hand slid from my thigh to my crotch while my best friend drove us home        
  Got an email from someone regarding my posts, telling me I must be the worst person in the universe and god help me if I ever needed any kindness or mercy, considering the things I've done. Let me clue you in, honeybunch. I never expect kindness or mercy, I give three times as good as I get, and I don't do anything if there is ever a chance I'll get caught. It's called survival.  And I'd just love to know where you live.  
  you know it's a good fart when you fart outside and someone five feet away asks, "what the fuck died?".        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she messaged me w/ the site: look at this!  oh my God!  i know those girls aren't over 18... i can't believe how exploitive the are... it's just disgusting.  i messaged back w/ some kind of vague agreement w/ her... and bookmarked the site for later.  
  if a deaf man farts in the woods and no one else is around does it make a sound  
  I was driving in Idaho at 6am on a Saturday morning. I was going snowboarding. This redneck in a huge truck pulled out to pass me on the icy roads. I thought to myself "I hope that guy gets in an accident or pulled over" He lost control when he was even with me, flipping his truck 6 times and crashing into the shoulder. He survived with only a scratch from crawling out of the passenger window, but how is that for lowbrow? Damn.  
  I just used [insert the name of an online grocery delivery business here] to prepare for Y2K.  There is something wrong with that, somehow.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Doggy style isn't called Doggy Style in Scotland. It's called "Sheepy Style." Just thought you'd like to know.  
  i will never be able to love as much as i did the first time. i will never be able to get as high as i did the first time. i think i will spend the rest of my life longing for those states of conciousness.       
  I was different from all of the other children at school.  I had a sasquatch for a mother.  She was just like any other mother except when it came to playing with the other reindeer games.  The reindeer used to laugh and call me names.  That's when Santa came to say.  Brian with your velcro nike's so bright, won't you rob the liquor store with me tonight.   Uncle Santa wasn't that bright.  He was killed in the prison laundry four years later while taking in a load.           
   Hudson River Tales Gets Even More Inventive  (This isn't my moment -- it belongs to my wonderful boss (Hi, Ted Chambers!). Driving our new trawler, the  Celia Thaxter , down from Maine, we turn towards New York harbour, one of the busiest in the world, and our rudder immediately breaks. We stop, dead in the water, with 50,000 ton tankers driving by, knocking us sideways, and try to fix it. The harbourmaster is on the radio, yelling at us. Vinny dives overboard to investigate. He's back up in 30 seconds. No good. We'd need scuba gear to have a chance. Ted scratches his chin. We're still outside the 12-mile limit, so anybody who towed us in would have a good claim on our boat as salvage. Not good. He stops scratching, grabs a couple of big buckets, and attaches one to each of our booms. I see what he has in mind (the man is a genius!). I drop the booms, one to each side, and the buckets go into the water and start to drag, equally. Then I work the winches while he yells out steering orders, like: "Lift the port bucket! Drop the staaboad bucket!" You'd have thought we'd have stopped in for repair as soon as we hit land, but no -- we drove all the way up the Hudson steering by buckets. Ted Chambers is one of my heros.  
  i was trying to say, "i'm bored, sick of your drama, and want to date this other girl who actually respects me rather than using me as a verbal punching bag, and besides, is a hell of a lot more attractive than you, and agrees that you're cold for not putting out, even on our 1 year anniversary."  instead i said, "i love you."  
  While taking a leak at one of the urinals at work the other day, one of the techie boys from the back room saddles up to the empty urinal beside me and starts his business.  He starts in with some small talk with the guy on the other side of me.  The guy is trying to ignore him, when just then the automatic flusher for the all urinals goes off.  Trying to be funny, the guy beside me says to him  "Boy, the water sure is cold today!"  Without acknowledging him in anyway, the guy he was talking to gives it a shake, puts it away in his pants and dryly retorted "and deep too".  I laughed out loud.  I don't think he will be initiating any urinal chit-chat again soon.  
  my parents always encouraged what they saw as my "burgeoning articitc abilities." it all came about after one of my art teachers just began to gush about me during a parents evening when i was eight. so they bought me all the tools i needed to "create."  then when i was about fourteen my mother came across my "secret drawing pad" where i had been committing my sexual fantasies. she looked through it all in front of me, asking me questions about what i was trying to express in these outpourings of scratchy, ill-defined pornography.  i think that has had to be the worst day of my life so far.  
  You know how some people like to drink milk straight out of the carton? Well I just like to drink syrup straight out of the bottle. There something about drinking out of Mrs. Butterworth's head that makes it extra yummy:-)        
    On one of our countless late night road trips we ended up near Delaware. We drove on a single lane road on a cliff, at the end of it there was a traffic light, facing the other way.   Then we went through an utterly rural area, couldn't be more than 50 families int he whole area. There was still a full size supermarket. A fucking Pathmark with it's 16 acre parking lot and glaring lights on this country road. No way  the population could support that business. We concluded they delt with visiting UFOs.   A few miles farther and we were ambushed by a large, menacing house.        
  Once I was downloading a shitload of Porn. Being kind of new at this I had thought I had hidden my tracks pretty well. Apparently not. My bro had been saying how somehow Porn had gotten on the comp. He had blamed it on my other bro, who had denied it being him. They thought maybe it's dad. I love that the idea of me (a girl) watching Porn never crossed their mind. Suckers.  
  "You're a whore," she said to me.  I looked her up and down and said back, "Damn right i am."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  "Your problem is," my friend said to me," that you're like a homosexual that unfortunately likes women."  And that is one of the truest, and saddest, but most hilarious  descriptions of myself I have accepted as true.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I always wondered which hurts more: The loss of a dear loved one or getting kicked in the testicles REALLY hard.        
  Fact:  The lowbrow reload icon doesn't work in Unix; it just brings up the same story as the last one.  You actually have to click on the browser's reload button to make it bring up a new story.  School resources hard at work...  
  My buddy is really excited about and proud of his Trans-am. It's parked out in front of his trailer.  
  First time tripping... my junior year in highschool and my friend convinced me that it would be fun and safe... I started with one gel tab.  Nothing.  All my friends were tripping but me.    So my bf and I decided to go into the other room to "play."  He was on top of me and all of a sudden his face began to glow red.  "holy shit, im tripping!" I yelled.  "Enjoy it" my bf said.  But I just finished reading "Rosemary's Baby" that year in english class and began to image that I was having sex with the devil.  "calm down, its just pete" i kept telling myself.  We switched positions and I got on top.  It was only about 2 minutes before I realized I was the one glowing red now.    "Im such an ass" I thought to myself.  The damn alarm clock was relfecting off of us.  I wasnt tripping at all.........  So I took another tab and thats when the party really started!  
    How come guys don't realize that Altoids and oral sex are just as yummy from the female perspective as well?    Duh, boys. What feels good for you usually feels good for us too.     - theropes@teacher.edu    
   Really?  You like it when a guy goes down on you, humming the theme song from  The Brady Bunch  while sucking one of your nuts, flicking the other one with his left hand and two fingers from his right hand up your asshole in an alternating "Captain Hook"-and-"V-for-Victory", all the while wearing one of those ridiculous rainbow afros, too?  Wow, and I thought I was the only one...   
  After I slept with this one guy, out of nowhere he started telling me that his friend won the lottery.  That didn't seem so unbelievable.  But THEN he went on to say his friend said he was bad with money, so he was handing over the entire 7 million bucks to him, and he should have it next week.  Um...yeah...I didn't call him again.  
  you know you're bored when you are awake at 4:30 am taking still shots of your cats to create a stop-motion kitty porn animation.  whatever, it's gonna win me an oscar!  
   Nothing to Lose   Taking off from Las Palmas Air Port, suddenly a burst of flames comes out of the overhead compartment over a seat adjacent to mine. The pilot announces we have to do an emergency landing and start screaming. I just sit silent.  To this day, I still haven't found a single reason why I should have prayed for my life.  
  you go to work out at the fitness center...that's good and all, nothing wrong with being healthy.   but then when you get back, you order a large supreme pizza.        
        i was under jons deck and it was cold so i saw sarah with her hands down her pants kinda and i said 'what the hell are you doing' she said 'i said if you put your hands down ur pants ur hands get warm' so i said 'put you hands down ur pants and i bet youll feel....warm' then amanda came over to me and said in my ear very lightly 'its not my pants i want to put my hands down *muah*'   im still virgin  
      Once in the fifth grade I ate a crunchy Cheez Doodle off the floor of my classroom.  I don't know how it got there. It wasn't my Cheez Doodle.  I couldn't help myself. It was one of those really big ones that looks like a caveman's club.  
  The Internet is made up of Freudian psychologists.  One more 'Enlarge your penis safely and naturally' e-mail and I may scream.  I have no penis (my mother stole it)!  I always get the male oriented spam-penis enlargement, Viagra, pussy porn.    Never anything about breast enlargement or birth control.  My boyfriend gets those e-mails.  There is no rhyme or reason to this world.  
  I have two broken ribs. If some guy in a lowrider bumping low bass runs through a stopsign in the middle of the night in suburbia, don't call him names if you're afoot. Even if you can run places that he can't drive. He'll chase after you with a tire-iron, and laugh when a friend bodychecks you into a van's bumper.  Although I snapped two ribs, I still got up, ran across some peoples' porch, and jumped off the deck before he could make up the ten feet that were between us.  I was a scared little fuck.  When friends' parents came, we told them that the fat one in the group had sat on me during a snowball fight.  I'm sorry, Duane. We're still homez, right?  
  So one of my roomates has thes two girls over at our house, one of them is his ex and she's kinda cute, the other is this huge nasty fat bitch. me and one of the other roomates go out for the evening only to come home and find that the ex is asleep on the couch. we smoke our late night night bowl and ponder why he took the fat girl to bed and left the cute ex who we KNOW he could have been pounding on the couch.  The next morning both girls are gone  and there's a huge piss stain on our couch.  Mystyery solved.   
    I hate it when you get pubic hairs stuck on your bar of soap, and you cant get them off.  Some times i just give up and wash my face.  
  so this chick takes me back to her place, she said she needed someone to fire her up.  i go upstairs to her room and she wants me to put on a freakin monkey costume and throw water on her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         nicky jones sits next to me and asks for a butt hes out hes been out for a while and his figgiting and squirming at at maximum overload but i dont have any and the machine in the corner wont take bills flip the switch clicks and he unleashes as hateful wrath of spewing attack upon life and liberty and the pursuit of all things nicotine related whoa big feller it was like taking to a junkie trying to quit smack        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         confusion say  who is larger asshole man who shits on carpet or man who purposefully smells it  dont bust the brow just cos you cant deal get nintendo or trade pokemons me i like my pseudo pain in the human flavor speckled with lies and giggles         
    Before printing out that moment one of your best friends posted about not getting laid in 5 months (so you can show all your friends), make sure your browser's default printer isn't the one that prints at your bosses desk.  Damn.  
  A very attractive girl I know is intensive in her religion (and thus believes strongly in no pre-marital sex).  We were talking one day and she said she would prove to me that there was a god....my brain instantly created a picture of me fucking her brains out while thinking to  myself "There  is  a god"....Im goin ta hell  
  We were intoxicated to the point of passing out but he hands kept groping and the tongues kept mashing like we were on auto pilot.  We're not sure who passed out first but we know she woke up first making a mad dash to the bathroom.  I heard her laughing between the dry heaves because she was in awe of her total inebriation.  We cleaned each other up and headed into town for soem greasy breakfast food.  When we discovered it was 4:00 in the afternoon we decided on Mexican.  Later, when I took her back to my house we found her bra on the kitchen ceiling fan but we never did find those sexy lime-green panties.  I think my lonely and desperate room mate stole them for his collection.  It was sloppy, it was silly, it was so much fun.  
  Being the drunk fool my father is, he decides to teach me about how "Corelle" doesn't break.  Oh god I think.  Slamming the bowl to the ground, I jump. Clang. Didn't break.  "C'mon Dad, you're drunk."  Slamming the bowl to the floor again. Clang. Didn't break.  "See, it never breaks."  Drop, smash! Millions and millions of pieces of Corelle goes flying. A peice of it grazes me in the face. I start to bleed.  I hate Corelle wear.  
  i get secretly happy when i pop a zit and it flies out and hits the mirror.  
  I was riding my bike home at 10 PM after work one night.  I see a figure in the darkness, and scream and scream and scream.  Of course I scare the shit out of him, too, so he's drunk and goes up to say what's up.  We end up making out right there on the sidewalk with me still straddled on my bike.  Then we decide to go across the street and make out at the high school, since we both graduated there 10 years apart.  We briefly date, until I found out that he was homeless, carless, an alchoholic, an Asian fetishist, AND a Born Again Christian who thought it would be a great blessing to convert my rotton little soul.    Amazing what kind of guys you can find in an affluent suburb.  
  the ex calls me up and complains about how she's not had sex in almost a month now she's a self proclaimed nympho, and I can attest to that being truth she comes over the next day at 2 in the afternoon, incredibly drunk, with a half bottle of vodka for me to catch up 2 hours later we're lying on my bed, naked, post coitus "thanks... i needed that" she said there's still a stain from her on my comforter  
  One time I was making a sandwich and confused the Kraft cheese wrapper with the actual cheese.   Needless to say, my girlfriend did not appreciate the ham and plastic sandwich.  
  My boyfriend looks like such a fucking retard when he comes.  I love it.  
   two on lowbrow i dont have anything to write what the fuck oh like you never had a moment not that i can remember said he she nonplussed scooted him out of the way and typed i spoke to a guy who claims he doesnt have any lowbrow moments like thats gonna make me want to fuck him or something and hit  take it he yanked the plug out of the computer before it took so either way hes had one now        
  I used to date a guy who had a unique way to train his dog. If the dog bit him, he bit the dog. If the dog pissed on him, he pissed on the dog. If the dog stole his food, he stole the dogs. So when the dog came up and licked the guy's balls while we were fucking, I couldn't wait to see his response. That man had no follow through.  
  So I get a lot of e-mail and decided to create a website for horny lowbrow guys to visit, that way I don't have to spend so much time explaining myself.  This is the website where I rate penis pics and talk about what a big whore I am.  It really didn't seem like such a bad idea.  But then, long story short...my mother found the site.  Granted, I'm 25 years old and haven't lived at home for 8 years...but it still horrified her when she first read everything. And the worst part?  Now she asks me advice about sex.    If she was attempting to punish me...job well done.  
  Always always ALWAYS add "Between the sheets" to the end of your fortune.  Trust me.  
    So i was messing around with this girl, and she was a christian. she didnt want to have sex. I told her Jesus forgives you for your sins its ok!   i got laid! THANK YOU JESUS!    amen  
  Years ago, at a bar, following a rehearsal.  Beautiful girl walks up. I know I have no shot with her.  Matt goes first.  Matt: "Hi, my name's Matt. That means you can walk all over me!"  (Get it? "Matt"? "mat"?)  I go second.  John: "Hi, my name's John. That means you can piss in my mouth!"  I was right about having no shot with her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's the little things that make me happy.  Like flicking a cigarette so it bounces right off the windshield of the little old lady tailgating me on the expressway.  
   Not Understanding The Concept #6   For our first Christmas together, I wanted to buy my First True Love (Hi, Joan Jack, wherever you are!) the most romantic present I could think of.  She always complained that her bed was cold when she got into it, and she could never remember to turn on her electric blanket before bedtime.  So the most romantic present I could think of was an automatic timer for her electric blanket.  I can still remember the silence all around when she opened it in front of her family, with me grinning like an idiot because of my cleverness and thoughtfulness...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fat ladies come into my work alot (I make subs). That's bad enough in itself, cause women in their 30s and 40s are the WORST and most ANNOYING and BITCHY customers ever. I despise dealing with them, but they're always there buying food for their snotty little kids.   Anyways.. so fat ladies come in and this happens:  "I'd like a Beasty with extra cheese."  *sigh* I know it's starting. "What would you like on top?"  "A little lettuce and extra mayo."  I put on extra mayo. "That it?"  "Um.. maybe a little more mayo."  I literally finish the tube of fat on her damn sub. "Good?"  "Just a teensy bit more."  Good lord. I turn to my coworker and ask for another tube of mayo. He comes back, tosses it to me, and exclaims "One tube of fat!"  The lady however continues to drool over the mayo I now continue to put on her sub. Finally it's enough. "So, anything else with that?"  "One of these cookies, and... a large diet coke."  Stop.  Why the fuck a large DIET coke?   
  I want to go donate plasma.  Well I suppose its realy not a donation since they pay you 20 bucks.  So I want to go sell my plasma.  Plasma by the way is some stuff in your blood that some people apparently need more of.  Anyhoo, I want to "donate" but I am not sure if they test for THC or not.  So now I am wondering what they will say to me if I fail their test.  "Sorry, no potheads allowed here."  or "Sorry, the cops are on their way."  Why the hell would a little THC make my plasma worthless.  Its probably good for it actually...    
  Parking is free pretty much everywhere in Reno. So if you're ever flying out of the Reno airport, don't pay to park there. Instead, park at the Hilton and take the free shuttle for guests. You can leave your car there for weeks. They don't fucking care.  
  We were running about in the night in my neighborhood.  We thought it would be funny to turn a guys mailbox backwards, because it was held up by wire, so we proceeded to do so.  We hear a car coming, so we run to the weeds.  The car stops, a man gets out, and he turns his mailbox around.  We were hiding in a bush right next to him.  We came back a week later and blew it up. Hmmm  
  If i ever see that dude in the doctored souvenir picture of the trade towers in person, i'm gonna pull out his eyes and replace them with his testicles.  
  summer of 2001  i used to babysit for this family friend of ours.  she had two kids, one was about 5 or 6 and was the devil, the other was an angel but was still in diapers.  i would babysit from about 6 til 2 or 3 in the morning - it was the summmer so it wasn't that bad but still. the little buggers took it out of me. that and the fact that i would babysit for about 5-8 hours depending, for two kids and only get $15 dollars. i didn't care that much though - i knew that she couldn't really afford much.  so anyway, she's driving me home, it's really fuckin early in the morning, and along one of the dirt country roads we're on - there happens to be a naked man in the ditch. beer in one hand, just shakin' it for us to see. we were so shocked - we just cracked up the rest of the way home.  he was ugly as fuck too.   ~ r    
  I was kind of a bully when I was a kid. Yeah, I know. Asshole behaviour. If it helps any, I've learned a lot since then.  Anyhow, one of my turning points came when this little kid - prolly about half my size - came walking up the alley behind my house. There's a DQ down that way, and the poor little bastard was just walking along, enjoying his ice cream cone...  until the asshole (me) steps in his way, and demands a "toll" for walking in this alley.  He sniffled, shed tears, and begged me to leave him alone...then he shoved that damn cone right in my face and ran like the wind.  I've admired that little fucker ever since.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think I watch too many horror movies. Whenever I go to take a shower and pull back the curtain I expect to see a bloody dead body.  
  I was driving at the crack of dawn and saw a dying rabbit on the road. I passed it up and flipped a U-Turn.   Rabbits are kinda hard to wash off.   
  Cozumel - In port on a cruise in the Caribbean.  After hanging out in Cozumel all day, hitting up the bars, the sights, and then the bars again, a bunch of friends and I are about to board the tender boat back to our cruise ship, when a few guys from the cruise ship we were on stumble up to the tender boat.   One guy in particular isn't looking too hot, but is still trying to maintain consciousness. He's sitting down, head bobbing up and down with the waves, looking increasingly sick by the minute.   It was a pretty crowded tender back to our ship, with only a few seats remaining on the top deck.   We're on the bottom deck, sitting about 2 rows back from the drunk dude. I lean over to one of my friends, and say "Look out, he's gonna blow..."   Not more than 5 seconds after I said that, his head lurches forward, and manages to coat about 10 to 12 people with his vomit.   Enthustiastically, we yell " Ol !"  I've never in my life seen a boat full of people disappear so quickly... All running up to the top deck to get away from the rancid, tequila smelling puke.  Except my friends and I.   We had a bet going to see if he could do it again...  " Ol !"  
  I'm guilty of it too.  But sometimes the grammatical errors in these moments confuse my brain!  Get a dictionary, please.  
  There are few times in my life that I have been a complete loss for words; however, this is one of those moments.  I worked with this *good* girl who was ultra-christian. She was cute, could talk about things other than god, and she was always stretching; she used to be a dancer. Well, after about a day and a half of intense flirtation I find out that she had a bf. Normally, I would have respected the relationship and gone about my business but then she told that not only was he still in high school he was 15 years old. Upon hearing this I felt it was my duty to not only make this poor, jaded girl, who was a freshmen in college and technically commiting a crime in most states, cheat on her boyfriend but to also acknowledge the fact that she cannot live in two places at the same time. Unfortunately, I accomplished only one of my goals.  About one week and one date later I was in her room watching TV on her bed. The sexual tension was far too thick to be considered healthy at this point so I made the move. We start making out, move to her bed, the door gets locked, we start to dry hump, things are gettin hot and heavy to say the least. In the middle of all this she tells me that she will not have sex with me, i say fine. However, the next thing that happened changed the way I will look at *good* girls forever.  After informing me that this was a  no penetration flight she asks me to stop so that she can get more *comfortable*. I sit back expecting to see her grab a pillow or put on some music. She, however, proceeds to take off her shoes and place her heels behind her ears; like i said, she was a dancer. At first, I was confused but then I realized that it was just like a porno and I went to town on her.  but wait, there's more.  We finish, she gets hers and I don't get mine, so I decided that it was time to go. But before I left she told me this, and I quote   "I want you to know that this is a one-time thing...I just wanted to see how it would be. So from now on we are just friends, ok?"   I said fine and left. As I walked home I slowly began to process everything that had happened. I made a *good*, ultra-christian girl cheat on her 15 year old boyfriend, saw her fold in half, and then, as i understand it, got used by her.  I was at a complete loss for words.  
  Every so often, I remember something from when I was a kid. Most of the time, it's something terrific.  I remember going down the stairs in my house in a laundry basket, and not even injuring myself. Boy, when you're a kid, you're small (so there's less chance of breakage due to intertia) and closer to the ground (so there's less chance of breakage due to gravity). Now I'm big and old and clumsy. I walk around while a new generation of children runs from place to place.  Ah, you know what? My childhood was fine. I got no complaints. Hell didn't begin for me until junior high school, and that wasn't until I was 13.  But it occurs to me that we shouldn't let kids have guns. Not because I'm some kind of anti-gun person... quite the opposite. I like guns. But if being an adult is going to have any advantages at all, we'd better keep a few things for ourselves.  
  In all my years of playing football our team mascot was something vicious.  A cougar, a wildcat, a falcon, and a panther.  Until I got to college.  When I got to college I found out our mascot was a "lute"  I had no idea what that was until after football season was over.  Two weeks later i found out it was a musical instrument. I transferred.  
  the cops had been called, everyone was on their way out.  "my parents are coming home tomorrow!" he exclaimed.  "look, i'll stay here and help you clean up your house." i said sympathetically while removing the slowly melting carton of milk from the toaster oven.   i really would have too.......if water didn't start spilling out of the cieling right at that moment.  i bolted out the door the moment he went upstairs to inspect, and yelled "OH MY GOD!!!!"  
  I had a friend in college who had the crappiest bike in the world, so my roommate and I decided to make his life even more miserable and stole his bike seat.  He had to ride standing up on the petals all the time.  We'd laugh when he would get tired, forget he didn't have a seat, and poke himself in the ass with the bar where the missing seat was supposed to be attached.  Obviously, we never told him we were the ones who stole the seat.  
  The most erotic moment in all moviedom:  Australian film, "Flirting."  Sure, Nicole Kidman is in it, but the real treasure is a young Thandie Newton, long before she made "MI2" with Nicole's hubby.  Two single-sex boarding schools have a dance. Thandie and her paramour sneak away to a dorm.  They kiss.   He reaches for her breast. She grabs his hand. He looks abashed. She guides his hand between her legs, looks deep into his eyes, says: "Welcome."  
  standing at a urinal in a beaten-down, fourty year old club where all that has been played there for two decades is good ol' punk. looking at the aged graffiti and weathered stickers. wondering about there stories, who put them there, and where those people are now. glancing over at the toilet: covered in brown spray, chunks laquered to the side, pungeant odors of all things not tasty eminating from its porcelin belly. i'm done peeing. what was i standing in.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend Tim once stole a half loaf of French bread from me. With every intention of hitting him in the stomach, I kicked him in the nuts. Hard.  As he lay crumpled on the floor next to my boots, coughing and purple faced, I realized the bread was stale. I made sure to put it in the garbage can as I walked away.  Moral of the story: I have bad aim.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As soon as I found the skull in my backyard, I immediatly called the cops. But then I got curious. I picked up the skull and wondered who this guy was and why he had deer antlers.  
  I went out clubbing one evening to find that my favorite bar had been rented out downstairs for a sorority party.  Usually being a 21+ club, they allowed 18 and up but weren't allowed to serve alcohol downstairs.    So it's a sorority party and the girls each brought two dates.  I figured, "Hell, I'll stick around and make fun of some people".  So I was chatting with the bartender downstairs, all the while making fun of the music that you would only hear at your senior prom and at your wedding.  No good trip-hop, jungle, drum 'n' bass...  Only the Eagles belting out another verse of Hotel California, or Snap singing early '90's dance music with "I've got the Power".    Now, at this point, the scene just went from bad to worse, as the 18 year olds decided to smuggle in booze.  Mind you, now, that it wasn't even quality booze.  Like maybe a bottle of vodka or gin, or even good beer, but it was Keystone Light.    I'm a big lover of beer, but if I'm going to smuggle in alcohol, I'm going to smuggle in Sierra Nevada, or Guiness, or something that at least is more than $2 a six pack...          
  i dream of the day i can actually say "if you dont want it in your mouth, stick it in your butt", that will be a lowbrow moment..  
  A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, and no-one can talk to a corpse, of course. That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was the last time we fucked, but oh, it was good. I tied her up, and she loved it as always; and while I had her immobile it occurred to me ... "Where are you going?" she asked. I sauntered off to the bathroom, came back with my razor and shaving cream. Shaved that pussy bare. I don't know what she told the new boyfriend &#151; I just know that whatever it was, she was thinking about me. :-)  
  I parked in front of the big window at Hardee's and noticed the boy working inside, sweeping the floor right in front of the window. He stopped to watch me straighten out my parking job, apparently it interested him. My friend, Brian, in the passenger seat didn't see the guy watching and decided to act stupid. I backed up some and pulled forward, then stopped........and when I did, Brian threw himself violently against the dashboard and then flew back against the seat flailing wildly for a second then slumped over on my shoulder and lay there like he was unconscious. I looked at the boy inside who had seen the whole thing and didn't know that Brian was just playing. The look on his face was priceless......one of the funniest thing's I have ever seen. He was saying with his face, "Oh My Gosh, is that guy ok?!? Did anyone else see that?"   
  saw a man in tight Wranglers today Crouched down messing with something on the floor. God, I love to see a man on his knees.   
  A few years back when I was a senior in highschool, me and my best friend were driving down a country road and up ahead we saw 2 girls pulled over with a flat tire.  They were both wearing short shorts and bikini tops, we were pulling over to help them out.  When we got close though, you could see these girls were hideous.  So we started to pick speed up and tried our best to look straight forward as we passed them.  
  A split second ago I had been deep asleep. Now I was bolt upright awake in my dorm bunk, my heart thud! thud! thud! like a jackhammer.  What the hell was going on? Why was there a loud, agitated mob running around in the building? One of them shrieked out my name, and now the rest were yelling. All of a sudden it sounded like stampeding rhinos-- thirty or forty agitated people advancing closer, then pounding on my door, driving me into a cold sweat.  Oh God what did I do now?   Well, if an angry group of students were hell bent on kicking my ass, they'd have to break my door down to do it, I wasn't about to open it for them! And I was about to tell them so, but one of them spoke from behind the door first.  Turned out they were on a scavenger hunt and they knew I had a pair of chopsticks.          
  i bet that if kurt vonnegut ever found this place, his lowbrow moments would blow us all away.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm on the Elliptical Trainer at the gym, staring blankly at the swarms of people below. (My gym is located on the second floor of a building in Midtown with floor-to-ceiling windows.) A group of tourists walkin down Bdway begin waving. OK, now I know what the monkeys in the zoo feel like. I wave back. Then they start taking pictures. Ummm... I think that's my cue to leave.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I stopped in the bar after work to have a beer.  I only had four bucks, so that's all I got.  I noticed this girl sitting by herself drinking a glass of wine.  I never have the nerve to approach women, so I just eyeballed her a few times.  We both happened to finish our drinks at the same time and got up to go.  I said "I guess you just came in for one too?"  She said "yeah" and slowed down so I'd be in front of her.  We both parked in the dark parking lot and she took off before me and made a quick left.  When I got out of the lot she must've thought that I would follow her and I saw that she ran a red light, almost broadsiding a van.   I made a right and went home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time when I was really drunk I puked all inside my open pack of Marlboro Lights in a box.  I smoked them anyway.  I don't recall them even tasting that bad.  But in the morning, when you have a killer hangover and you go to grab a cigarette and see your puke all over them, and you realize you smoked them anyway...well let me tell you, it's worse then that whole "eating runny eggs with a hangover" thing by far.  
  i stood up after 3 full plates, 2 sodas, and a piece of pie, and declared I AM THE THANKSGIVING MASTER! i chugged half a glass of soda still left on the table. I ran outside a minute later holding it down till i got off of my aunts driveway.   i let it fly, out the mouth and nose, all over my shoes and pants.  i love Thanksgiving.    
   sometimes, after loading the groceries into my car, I put the shopping cart on the crosshairs defining four parking spots.   As the cart balances there, I hurry to leave before the cart come loose and rolls with ever increasing speed to its next destination.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was leaving a bar late one night, and had to pee really bad. I was about 20 minutes away from home, and knew that my bladder would explode if I didn't go NOW.  I drove to the 24 hour supermarket 3 minutes from the bar.   I get up to the door.   Locked.   The note on the door says, "Please use East Door."   So I go to the opposite set of doors, and it says the same thing! Where the fuck are the East doors?!   I check the first doors I went to. Nope, still locked.   I checked the other set of doors, and they're still locked.   I peed on the doors.   Fuck 'em. If they would've just made up their mind about which doors were the East doors, I would have just used the bathroom at the Gas Station in the same shopping center.  
  Graffitti seen in a woman's bathroom: (each line was in a different hand)  "Love is when he sleeps on the wet spot."  "Try women, there is no wet spot!"  "I'd rather sleep on the wet spot!"  
  It seems that even most smart guys are intimidated by intelligent women.  That's silly -- they're much more interesting.   And , you get to create much more imaginative come-ons:  She: "Isn't the whole concept of how language evolved fascinating?"  Me: "Certainly is, though relying on it exclusively can 'deafen' you to other valid forms of communication."  She: "Eh... do continue."  Me: "Well. Language only developed in the last 30-50,000 years, round about the same time clothes were developed. We've hardly evolved at all in that time. If you swapped newborn babies from today and 30,000 years ago, they would both grow up as normal kids for their time."  She: "Except the baby that went back wouldn't learn language, whereas the one that came forward would! That's interesting!"  Me: "Since language is such a recent development, and since humans formed communities long before that, there are obviously other ways of communicating effectively, and the baby that went back would learn those ways.  "We obviously still have access to those ways of communicating, but having language, we hardly use them any more."  She: "It would be interesting for us to try being silent for a few hours, and just 'listen'..."  Me: "Interesting experiment indeed! Of course, to make it as realistic as possible, we should also remove our clothes..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          i bought a step scooter half the usual price.  i used it for the first time on a steep downhill sloping path.   the wind felt glorious on my face, everything was so fast, everything a blur, then i realized i could not stop. i flew, fell flat on my face, got myself injured. the skin on my fingers were torn out, my boss witnessed everything.   it feels good to have a tying memory with my first car.   
  Hugh Hefner is God.  Not only is he old as dirt, but he still has 7 steady girls.  But what blows me is that they all know about each other, and seem to like the situation.  Dammit, where can I meet women like this.  Probably on lowbrow.com  
  I walk into the bar.  I sit down.  An acquaintance of mine sits next to me.  "Want to smoke some pot?" he asks.  "No thanks." is my reply.  A half hour later I'm playing pool in the back.  A guy I've never met is bullshitting with his friends.  Someone hands him an 1/8 of shrooms.  "Want some?" he asks.  "No thanks." I said.  Another half hour goes buy.  A friend comes up to me and asks if I want to do a few lines of coke with him. "No thanks." Is my reply.  After a few weeks of this I realize I AM A FUCKING IDIOT!  Now when someone asks I just say I'm not comfortable doing drugs in front of people and pocket it.  I'm saving it up for when I decide to start a drug habit.       
  We got him really drunk so that we could cut his hair, because it was way to long and he refused to do it himself.  Unfortunatly, we forgot to get scissors.  The next day we went to the Vatican.  He threw up once on way there, once during the tour, and then again inside the sistine chapel.  That overtook the previous choir vomiting record set in 1991 in Notre Dame.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Storyville" was spelled out, at a jaunty upward angle.  The "e" swooped ina downward flash.  Purple, that clashed with the red walls.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A co-worker* had some truly weird vendetta thing on me.  Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she'd say: "Let's just be professional," and continued treating me like shit.  She lived on a very steep hill.  One night, I crawled under her car to cut her brake lines.  As soon as I cut the first one, the car rolled over my legs, breaking them both.  She came out of the house and found me screaming in her driveway, and her car halfway down the hill, smashed into another one.   That's when I woke up.  Damn, I can't even have a successful revenge fantasy.  *Anh Luk, if you're out there, go fuck yourself  
  A friend of mine is convinced he ran into the bibilical Cain one day in LA. A big tall black man who yelled at us. I said, "Why was that Cain?"  He said, "Well, Cain never died. God said he couldn't, and he couldn't be harmed."  "But that guy had a band-aid on his neck." I said. My friend looked at me like I was the deluded one.  
  I used to smoke a lot of weed with my best friend trying to get him high. I mean some real good shit. We would toke down and I be totally wasted and I'd ask him if he got high? He would say shit like, " I don't know, I've never been high before." I mean this went on for literally months. It was almost starting to piss me off. So I bought a couple of joints laced with PCP. We started toking down and man I was getting really lit. So I asked the fucker if was getting wasted. He said the walls were moving and the drapes had turned purple. (they were actually gold)  Fuck yeah, after that he really loved smoking dope and dropping acid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I learned the hard way that saying the word "wanker" in public on the streets in London will promptly get you punched in the face.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I took a shit at school today, while no one was in the bathroom. While I was washing my hands, a girl came in and went into the stall I had been in. Then she came out and went into another stall. Then came out again and went into the last stall, and then back to the original stall.  I stood in the hallway reading one of the bulletin boards.  I hear her say to a girl going in  "Dude. It's REALLY fucking bad in there."  I'm proud.   
  You know its bad when you say, i think  thats the dumbest thing i have ever done.  Unfortunately I just did that, and I'm not typing the best cause my fingers are kinda burnt, now onto the reason.  So its thursday, no classes due to an ice storm, so me and nik are bored off our ass, and my roommate has some shot gun primers, so we get the idea that we are going to smack one with a nail and hammer, its not going to make that big of a boom, so why not, what else are we going to do.  I grab a hammer and nail, he holds the primer with a plyers and I tap it, nothing, hit it a few more times, nothing, so i say "fuck this" wind up and nail the fucking thing.  Bad idea.  Its no little pop, its huge and loud and i burnt my fingers from the flash.  I spin around wave my hand around that held the nail cause it was kinda burnt, and then I see, I'm bleeding, a lot.  I quick run into the bathroom.  Control the bleeding, come back into the room and notice that i splattered blood everywhere, and i mean everywhere, dressers, computers, floor, wall, door, it sucked, took about 20 minutes to clean up, but we got it.  damn that was dumb.  further proof that boredom could kill  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was in second grade, we were learning about contractions. you know, like "it's" and "can't". the teacher asked the class for some more examples of contractions.  i said, "it'll. its the contraction for 'it will'"  teacher says, "um, no, chris. i dont believe that that's a contraction"  here i am 8 years later, using it left and right, and reading the contraction in several books.  man, would i like to see the look on her face if i ever met her again.   
  While watching the wife on "The Sopranos" have a full-on meltdown at discovering her husband had been fucking around, my husband commented "She was a little overwrought, huh?" "Not even enough" I replied. "She doesn't have a gun and his balls are still attached." He didn't sleep as sound as usual that night.   
  cell phone haiku  Your ring is real cute but enlighten yourself now vibrate mode  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of us stole a bottle of Creme de Menth from the kitchen at the hotel where we worked. It was green, the kind you cook with, but we didn't care. We just wanted to get drunk.  That night was the night before Thanksgiving. It was cold, so we had a bonfire in the woods. We drank cases of Milwaukee's Best (Beast) and ate pounds of kielbasa soaked in the rancid brew and cooked over the fire. For dessert we finished the bottle of Creme de Menth.  I remember almost killing my best friend that night, when I dropped him while dragging him home through the woods. We finally got him home, though. Left him on the step. Rang the bell. Ran away.  The next morning he called. His mom had called an ambulance for him when she found him on the stairs. He was covered in green puke. She panicked. She thought he had drunk anti-freeze.  It was the funniest thing I had ever heard. I laughed and laughed. Until I went downstairs and smelled the Thanksgiving dinner.   That's when I learned that Creme de Menth puke really *does* look like anti-freeze.  
  I'm with her brother standing in line purchasing 5 gallon's of water for his pickup that's bleed it's water all over the innerstate. Upon reaching the teller  he begins to ask me if all of this water will realy help us pass our piss test.  So keeping with the story I turn to the teller and ask her If she thinks all of this water will help us pass our piss test. You've got to be joking she exclaims as she goes to get my pack of cigs. Upon returning her brother asks her if we can get a reffund if we fail our piss tests. No.  What are you crazy.  If your buying water now for a pee test your allready scrwed she says.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          At the end of the year, Adam charged me with the care of his half-gallon brandy snifter; the kind that looks like a fuckin' fishbowl. He gave it to me for the summer because he didn't want to huff it all the way back to Houston, because it would inevitably break during transit. He was truly proud of owning this snifter, and would drink from it -- alcohol, water, whatever -- every chance he got. It made him feel big.  So as soon as he leaves, what does my roommate do? Kevin starts filling it up with everything he could find in our dorm room... Pepsi, peanut butter, cheap gin, deodorant, Windex, scope (well-used), a stick of butter, cologne, chocolate, toothepaste, borax, bleach, a couple pages from Maxim, Rolaids, shaving cream, a sock, a raw egg, cereal, laundry detergent, yogurt. Everything.   We let that motherfucker sit for two days, and it stank so bad we had to put it in the closet. We really took the sheep shears to this snifter's proverbial balls. We'd wash it out before Adam returned, of course, but knowing that he was drinking out of that rancid shit-bowl would have delighted us immeasurably.  It broke in the back seat of my car the next week. He never drank out of it.  The thing that I remember most, though, was the smell. They say that the sense of smell most vividly rips memories out of deep storage, and I buy it. I can still smell that mung-snifter as though it were sitting in front of me, and that calls to mind the end of that year. My room, which once was rife with dirty clothes, books, posters, and cables, was barren. The closet was empty and all of my friends had gone to their homes. My albums and my notebooks were on their way to mine. It was a hollow feeling; the feeling of things slipping away slowly and remorselessly. And then there's the realization that I'll see them all again in three months, and that nothing traumatic is really happening, but knowing that I'm reeling over something so transient only makes the sadness hang more heavily. I was happy that year, and as things always, always do, things changed. People move, and I get shuffled along. I keep getting older, and there isn't anything I can do about it. And next year, it happens all over again:  This is the way the school year ends this is the way the school year ends this is the way the school year ends Not with a bang, but with a whimper.  
  Yay! I had finally manipulated my drunk pseudo-girlfriend to let another drunk girl have sex with us.  They made out and fingered each other, then my girl made some excuse to get up and when she came back acted really uninterested in participating. I continued making out with the girl and then balled the heck out of her for a long time while my girlfriend tried to sleep next to us... My girlfriend teased me about banging that slut for a long time after. She hadn't enjoyed it much at all because she didn't like or respect the girl. I also screwed her again in the morning while my girlfriend was downstairs cleaning the house and didn't tell her. It was sort of like cheating.  
  She walks by smelling soo good I just want to club her and drag her back to the cave.      
    "Blah blah cutting blah blah endorphins blah blah obvious places blah blah cry for help."   I'm reminded of the time when I was 15, sitting nekkid on the toilet waiting for the damned knobless shower to produce some water atleast slightly less frigid than Hillary Clinton's cunny. I reached over to my boots on the floor and pulled out a spike made from 3/8 stock (ah, the innocence of youth!) and rather casually stabbed myself in the thigh.   "You know, some people like jello shots and some people like whiskey in a mason jar. Maybe it should have occured to you pioneers of humanitarian science that some of us just plain old enjoy pain, afterall it's not the pain that really hurts, it's the fear of pain. Now tell me we should drug and anylize and violate the lives of every man, woman, child, and dwarf who's ever ridden a rollercoaster, jumped out of an airplane, driven fast, or fucked a girl on her parents' bed."          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she never wore undies, so i entertained myself  by fingering her whenever i could. a bar nearby has many boardgames you can play. i still wonder if my brother knew what was going on, or if he just assumed she really, really liked the game of life.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I want a car with a sunroof.  Not so I can feel the wind in my hair, but so someone else can drive me through residential areas while I shout obscenities at passers-by through a bullhorn.  
  My over-21 daughter had finally discovered the fun of recreational pot. Stupidly overestimating the hip factor of her father (the ex), she tells him about it when asked how her weekend went. He, predictably hypocritical, goes off on her. She calls me up in tears with the whole tale. I was happy to explain to her how her darling puritanical papa supported himself in the years after high school, by dealing pounds out of our kitchen, that he barely made it out of high school due to his being constantly stoned, and that his nose looked like that because he'd tripped over his own feet and fallen on his face while high as a kite.. not once, but four times. She mailed me a lovely ounce in gratitude. I love my kid.   
  Guy:"Gambling is stupid"  Other Guy:"No, it's not."  Guy who spoke first: "Wanna bet?"  
  I'm sprawled out on the couch at some party, watching TV. In walks what seems to be the entire local police force.  Cop: "Son, have you been drinking."  Me: "Uh-uh, watching Nlaturday Lite Slive."  Cop: "Excuse me?"  Sober Friend: "He said he's watching Saturday Night Live."  Cop: "Is that so? Here's your breathalizer."  Sober(?) Friend: "Oh don't bother with that, he's just really, really stoned... shit... I mean... uh... tired."  And I still blew a fucking 0.07.  
  Everyone asks me "Why don't you want to be a developer? Wy are you happy with JUST QA?"  I don't tell them it's the only place you can get paid $75k a year to sit on your ass a surf the web while pretending to work for 10 hours a day.  I tell them "Because the industry needs good people who care about software being more than 'good enough'."  Yea ... that's the ticket!  
  girl comes over to pick me up for our second "date." we're making small talk in the front room of my apartment while i decide what jacket to wear. she leans back against my desk, which jogs the mouse, which pulls the screen out of blackout mode, which reveals a really, really nasty jpeg i'd set as wallpaper.   we're chatting away and she just has to turn her head to see a photo of some chick with goo all over her face. i'm about to have a litter of kittens right there. my date grabs her purse and says, "shall we go?" and she turns to the door. somehow i get over there and just snap the switch to off before she sees the screen. but she looks, right as the little dot of information collapses in on itself.  perverts. we're everywhere.  
  so what's the big deal about holding your girlfriend's purse while she's tryiing on clothes or something?  I just want it to match my shoes and not make me look too fat.  
  Well, here's a couple brief stories for ya. I'm doin' ya proud in the great Pacific Northwest: Portland to Seattle and all points in between, shootin' load after load and asking questions later.  Now, I currently live in the greater Portland area, in a district that used to be made up of warehouses and a good-sized brewery. The whole fucken place is lofts now, with beautiful people and SUV-drivin' yuppies stinkin' up the neighborhood and taking all the prime parking. But one thing I've found: the yuppie chix like to SPREAD. Yes, they do. And The Moose is ready to slide it in at the drop of a hat (or drop of the thong, whichever the case may be).   One warm Thursday nite a couple weeks ago, I stopped by my local watering hole, which is a block and a half from my loft. I know the bartender there, and he's seen the beginnings of many of my cable-laying sessions in the past. But this particular nite there just wasn't gonna be any sexplay--at least not with anybody there. A bunch of boring poser-chix with no sex appeal. Hell, I coulda just whipped out my rod and jizzed on the crowd, for all it was worth (hey, maybe I'm onto something there). So, I chugged my Jack rocks (yes, chugged) and turned for the door, and BAM! I ran right into this chick who'd pulled a Fatal Attraction on me a month prior. Not good. So, I made the perfunctory pleasantries and beat cheeks outta there in a hurry.  Two blocks away there's a bar that plays so hard on its non-pretentiousness, it's pretentious in and of itself. I like this place, though. It's full to the brim with pussy, ready 'n' willin'. And that nite was no fucken exception, let me promise you. I walked in, took a seat at the bar and commenced to get loaded. A gal sat down next to me and struck up a conversation. She was semi-good-looking at best but a good conversationalist. It turned out she was a Web developer, and she had a good sense of humor. Not a bad drinking partner, all things considered.  Our drinking led to instant bonding, and that led to a quick trip back to my loft for a hummer. I hadn't really expected one, but who am I to look a BJ-horse in the mouth? Anyway, usually I would've returned the favor with a hot box lunch at the Y, but I didn't really feel like it that night. Right before the inevitable climax, I pulled out, shot a pent-up load and painted her eyes shut. End of story, really.  Rewind to two weeks before that.  An older, married gal I know at my gym wanted to set me up on a blind date. Now, usually that equals "night out with a dog, " but I thought, "What the fuck? I don't got anything better to do." So, I agreed, but not without a little reticence. Blind dates usually aren't my speed. Turns out this one WAS...and then some.  I arranged to meet the chick at the same bar I mentioned above. When she walked in, I got an instant rodney. She was HOT. A little older than I would've liked, but VERY well preserved. Now, I say this because the rest of the package wasn't much to write home about. She wasn't the brightest or even very interesting to talk to, but she WAS horny and ready to go. We had a couple drinks, and while we were sitting there, she made damn sure I got a gander at her ample rack. I knew I had to sink it to the sack at any cost. Apparently, she had the same idea. When we got up from the bar and walked outside, she grabbed my hand and thrust it under her dress. She said, "I want you to feel how horny I am." It was certainly evident, especially since she wasn't wearing any underwear. And this was a particularly risky move because she was wearing a flouncy, lightweight sundress. If there'd been any wind at all, the passersby on the street would've been treated to a full frontal of her shaved clam. Maybe that's what she'd hoped for. I don't know.  So, we made our way back to my loft. Shit, we hadn't even eaten yet. But I made up for that with some world-class carpet-munchin'. We romped, stomped and munched for three hours and three loads. She must've climaxed 30 times by my hand, tongue, rod and various marital aids.  Now, originally I'd planned a whole "date": dinner, dancing, the whole nine yards. But like I said, aside from her hod bod and horny ways, I really had nothing in common with this chick. She knew it too, so there were no hard feelings when the luvmaking ended and so did our date. Like the gentleman I am, I attemped another date with her. Things just didn't work out the same way second time around. I guess she was just really in need the first time.  Fuck it.  EZ cum, EZ go. That's what I always say. All in a night's work for a cocksman.  "East side, west side:  The Moose is the Biggest and the Best."  You can take that straight to the bank.   
  In the army, you have to have your hat on at all times when on the base actively.  My dad was in the army in Vietnam, he was walking around with one of his friends, not wearing his hat.  A patrol pulled up beside them and the guy leans out and says to my dad.  "Son, your hat is supposed to be on your head"  my dad says "Yep"  the guy looks at him and says "Son,  Where is your hat?"  My dad quickly replies "In My pocket"  "And why isn't it on your head"  my dad calmly replies "Because my head won't fit in my pocket"  
  Left in the shoe store after closing, I put all of the wing-tips I could find onto my small woman-feet, hoping to get some insight into what the men who wear them might think about. Clop Clop Clop... They're stiff, tight and only seem indestructable.  
  Right.  Because sometimes I just can't resist "replying" to certain lowbrow moments... I quote:  +++++ chasing what I thought should be a cat, across a parking lot and ended up cornering a very pissed off skunk.  +++++  So, what were you doing chasing a cat across a parking lot, anyway?  I suspect you got what you had coming, you cat-molester!  
  The Spark's gender test says that I am a man.  I'm decidedly female, equipped with breasts and all.  I don't know anyone else that the test has guessed incorrectly, it's always been spot on.  Anyone else had the same experience with it?  Is there something that my parents should have told me as a small child?  Could it be perhaps why my close friends over the years have always been male?  I think like a male? I beleive that on the whole female's are irrational, and hard to deal with creatures.  Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against women, and still have various female friends, but shit, I pity some of you guys in relationships with them!  They can be twisted and vindictive, manipulative and bitchy.      Trouble is though, I think I'm always seen as one of the boys, or any potential suitors have heard rumours that I'm shagging my best friend (who is married mind you!).  It'd probably be why I've been single, and seen no action in almost a year now?  //end rant //sorry, it wasn't supposed to turn //into one!  
  "Nice drawing, isn't it?" she said.  I smiled and nodded while thinking that if I shoved a pencil up my ass I could make a better picture.  
  So I'm in the bathroom, shaving, nude. (So I didn't have time to get dressed today. So?) And I glance down.  The worst part?  I didn't think it because I wanted to do it. No.  I thought it because I wanted to run downstairs and tell Lowbrow I had a bald nutsack.  That.  Is.  Low.  
  If I see one more goddamned Hot Topic freshman kindergoth wearing a spiked and/or bondage collar, I think I'll take it off and beat the sad individual with it.  Maybe than they'll get the real point of BDSM.  Fucking posing moron asshats.  
  I once woke up from passing out only to realize that I couldn't move. I then realized that I couldn't move because I was being pinned down. Then things started to come together. I was being saran-wrapped to my bed by my "best friends"    We still laugh really hard at those pictures.......  
  i had an apt. i had like 2-3 black towels. i didnt wash those towels much considering i was the only one who used them and im a poor college girl then my slutty best friend told me randomly a week or so later after fucking around with some guy in my room  oh btw we used one of your towels to clean up be careful  um thank you bitch  
  Im a 6'1" guy.. about 140 pounds.. I tend to be a rather nice person, but some people find me intimadating.. heh, go figure.  Well, in high school.. there was this group that I guess you could say 'picked on me'.  Didn't really bother me.. I was better them in almost every aspect.. More friends, More (parents) money, and I had style that didn't involve dip and big trucks.  I attend college with a few of them now.  Its a large college so I've seen one from the group once.. until last night.  I was on campus a few nights ago, alil tipsy but, I could walk easily.  Well, one (about 5'9" 210lbs I say) of em saw me and made some comment, so I walked up to him and made a comment back.. then the fucker swung at me.  Well.. we were at this railing above a large, sharply sloping hill.  I just simply knocked the fucker over the railing and proceeded to jump over the railing and plant both my feet into his ribs when I land.  And then I placed a solid punch to his side (re-broke my knuckle) and gave him a kick in the kidneys.  I don't think I ever saw him stand up.. I just left him there.. I hope he remembers me when he pisses blood.   
  I was pretending to be God and a couple of dead people, one only recently... you know it was pretty damn funny.  To hell with taboo... if you can download, for free, a throbbing dog penis in the rectum of a human female in AVI format, I can be tasteless and sacrilicious.        
  AP (08/15/02 16:33 GMT): The son of former baseball great Ted Williams has further alienated his family by contacting Haggen-Daz Inc. with a suggestion for an ice-cream bar named after him.  
  The other night I was drunk and I told my ex-girlfriend that she was the best sex partner I've ever had. The strange thing is that I haven't said that to  every  girl, just most of them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My parents never cought me having sex. They did the next best thing though.  One day my (long-time since) girlfriend and I get back to my parents place, and my parents are on their way out to have the car inspected - a task that seems to always take a few hours.  Well they depart and my GF and I decide we have some time to fool around.  Upstairs my Loudly Vocal GF and I go to my Very old Very Squeeky bed. We were having a great time of it to, probably one of our best sessions - till we hear a noise downstairs.  So we dress, and we wander downstairs. Low and Behold my parents had decided that this year they were not going to wait for the car as usual... they had just dropped it off and came right home!  So there the four of us were standing in our kitchen trying to act normal.... except for the fact that my mother did not look directly at either of us... and my dad was grinning like an idiot the entire time.  
  My senior year the class "leaders" got this great idea to use up some funds lying around and buy every senior a floatey keychain. They were made out of that material they make life jackets out of, painted bright yellow, and had a little raider on the front.  Not too interesting, except one of the class officers also got the teacher to put "sr02@gohard.com" on the keychains for whatever reason. Well, there it was, distributed to the couple hundred of us seniors with that email address on there.  The day they handed them out I got home and loaded up www.gohard.com and sure enough, it's a porn site. I showed my parents and they laughed their fucking asses off.  My dad calls the school. Talks to the principal's secretary. Apparently the principal is in a meeting. He tells her to grab one of the keychains and type in "gohard.com" in her computer web browser. She yells "Good lord!"  The principal got really mad at the student that requested it be put on there, but otherwise nothing big happened.  Later on I talked to the faculty adviser about the keychains and she literally believed that it was some type of teen website.   ...well....it was.....kinda...  
  My former roommate and I agreed on one thing:  Semen smells an awful lot like bleach.  Well, a few months ago, she kept asking me if I'd had sex in our living room.  She claimed to "smell sex" but couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  I told her to check the laundry room to see if the cap was off of the bleach.    Strangely enough, she'd already thought of that.  Finally, she realized where the smell was coming from.    She'd carved a jackolantern a few weeks ago, and it was rotting.  So apparently, semen also smells like rotten pumpkins.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         this girl was sucking me off.  she was horrible at it.  not taking any of the shaft into the mouth and having teeth on one's cock doesn't feel good.  I tried to show her how to do it right, but it didn't work.  she was untrainable.  I didn't come for the whole 45 minute session of her attempt at getting me off.   next time, I had her just cuck the head of my cock (alas, the teeth again) while I jerked myself off and came in her mouth.  I told her I was tired after my self-gratification, and she said that I didn't do all the work.  she apparently didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.  it's pretty sad when a guy can't get a decent blowjob nowadays.    
  One evening at college I had taken quite a mixture of various narcotics at a party. I suddenly lost all ability to function and somehow made it back to my apartment.  I got home and focused all my energy on packing the bong, but once I sat down in the kitchen, I just couldn't smoke it.  I ended up sitting in that position completely motionless for the next eight hours, holding the bong.  Soon it was morning, and my roommates came and went, not even acknowledging my blank stare and non-movement.  I eventually feel asleep sitting up in the chair.  By the time I returned to normal (whatever that is) I had been sitting in that wooden chair for over a day.  Luckily when I woke up, I was still holding the packed bong.  I took a few hits and then went to class.  
  last time i saw some of my neighbors was when there was no power for about 10 hrs after a storm. it was like a block party out in the street. one of my neighbors 3 houses down was was telling me: you come on down & visit sometimes. so i say: next time there's a natural disaster, i'll meet you at the curb w/ some beer.  i bet my neighbor thinks i'm as strange as i do him.  
  I always used to get "McDonald's buffet" since I knew several people working there. I'd go behind the counter and fuck around while they were closing.  I watched them have "pickle races" ...they dropped pickles into the deep fryer where they would sink, and then made bets on which one would rise back to the top first. It was quite the spectacle.  After that I went back to the freezer and stole a pound of breakfast ham.  
  This happened over the course of like four hours.    Jason and I are out at the overlook one winter.  An ice storm is coming in.  I head out to Noony's for a long awaited (hard winter) ounce.  Three miles from his apartment my timing belt snaps.  I walk a freezing mile to a strangers house, call tow truck and walk back and wait freezing almost an hour.  Tow dumps me off in the rain at the closed garage a mile from Steve's.  Walk to Steve's he lets me borrow his truck for the night.    Call Noony - he agrees to head out and meet me at bar.  To bar I go.  In I go.  I wait.  No Noony.  I call him he's decided not to come out.   Back to the truck I'm locked out.  A handy nearby Cop tries to get me in to no avail.  I end up popping the rear window panels and reaching through.  Window casing seems bent beyond repair.  Godamnit.  Just out of bar driveway timing belt on Steve's truck goes.  Unbeleivable.  Towtruck driver - same guy as two hours earlier - guffaws.  Actually a really good guy I knew from when I was a kid,  he takes me to the same closed garage and unloads Steve's truck and miraculously I shit you not sells me and eigth of some sweet hydro. Nooch.   I decide not to call Steve about his truck until tomorrow and instead call Chris who reluctantly braves the ice storm to pick me up - soaked and frozen to the bone.  The ride back to the overlook is the most terrifying of my life - Chris's huge suburban gliding over the ice - despite him being a master behind the wheel, even cocked.  Five miles from home we see a lunatic hithiker in the dark.  It's Jason - also soaked and frozen - who had set out in response to my original call and had gotten into town and HIS TIMING BELT SNAPPED.  He walked like eight miles in the rain before we miraculously crossed his path and we all made it safely home to warm and well lit rooms and a full pipe thanks to the tow truck driver.  Epilogue:  Jason's car was towed and he never - ever saw it again.  It was a little yellow beat up honda with a zillion miles on it.  True story.  Thanks for your patience.  
    After reading a moment by  Eatintea about the word 'gibbous' I was reminded of Astronomy class when the girls behind me were excitedly talking about their project on the moon cycles and how last night it was  "like waxing Gibbons."  OOooo-ooo-eee-eee-ah-a!  I hear those gibbon-monkeys can get pretty hairy!      
  When I was working on Wall Street a number of years ago, there was this fruit vendor that always had the VERY BEST cherries.  BIG FAT CRUCHY RED cherries.  They were always soooo juicy, and had the perfect pits to shoot bewteen your thumb and index finger.  I would go out for lunch, by a pound of cherries, eat them, and then proceed to shoot the red juice covered pits at all the women wearing light colors.  Thousands of little cherry juice stains.  Man, that was fucking hysterical.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walk outside the office and smell the pleasant aroma of a grill being fired up.    Being that it's the middle of winter, the smells and thoughts of grilled meat make my mouth salivate.    I stand there and soak up the smell, loving every second of it.  Then I remember one small fact  I work next to the dog pound.   
  I think it's a bit weird to walk into a bathroom stall and have the first thought that floats through your head be "I've vomited in here before." It's even weirder when you remember what color your puke was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Whaddya wanna do?"  --"How about a Dirty Sanchez, followed by a Cleveland Steamer, and finish up with a Bismarck?"   I'm no better than you but I'm sure curious what they involve.....     
  Tripping hard, my friend and I sat inside the gazebo with the cris-cross patterned walls. It was too much for me, so i dedided to get outta there quick. On the way out, I missed the stone steps and twisted my ankle on my fall to the stone floor. I fell in fornt of a lot of people. Wanting to cry was quickly overshadowed by the humor of the situation. "tripping." my friend said, pulling me up.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Tropical Marine Fish 101   (Yeah, where can he pull a LowBrow moment out of a title like that?)  I walk into the pet store in Newton, MA, and they've just taken in a fresh delivery of fish. I'm all excited to see what they have, but they don't have them in the tanks yet -- they're all sitting on the floor in open plastic basins. I notice some really gorgeous marine Lionfish  (pterans volitans) , but I don't do marine, since their collection methods are so destructive (like dynamiting reefs, or poisoning  them enough so that they can catch them, but not enough that they won't last for a few weeks until you've bought them).  (OK, OK, very educational, you smartass showoff, but WHERE'S the LowBrow?)  I glance back up the aisle. I cute 3 year-old girl is cooing over the "neat fishes" on the floor. Her mother is far away, ignoring her. She reaches down to pet a Lionfish. Time stops. If you or I touched a dorsal spine of a Lionfish, we would be in agony for days, and might wish we were dead. A 30 pound toddler wouldn't have time to wish. I cover the distance in no time and roughly grab her up. She starts to cry. Her mother looks around, screams, and attacks me, clawing chunks out of my face. I hand the kid to her, and try to explain that I maybe just saved her life. She: "Pterans Volitans my ass, you sick fuck! I'm calling the police!" She did. They came. I explained. The moronic storeworker looked "pterans volitans" up in the book, and turned gray. The cops read it, shook my hand, and left. The mom spat in my face. Aaah, Newton, MA. I don't exactly miss it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At 15, I lost my virginity in a train.  Not the Amtrak kind.   The kind where some chick takes on several guys in a row. I was #2.  
  I walk into a drugstore at 7AM. The store had just opened, and I'm on my way to get my g/f for a day in bed. So I walk to the isle of personal items, and get a box of condoms, KY jelly, and toothbrush (so I'm buying at least ONE normal thing). Then I discover all I have to pay with is a $100 bill. So the lady at the check out counter calls over the loudspeaker "I need to get lots of change to change a $100 bill." The other lady asks what all I'm buying, and the first lady says "Condoms, lube and a toothbrush. He has a busy day coming up!"  I never went back to that drugstore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Boyfriend and I were sitting at a gas station- a few hours after we'd had sex.  I was pumping gas into my car when I happened to quietly mention to him that I had a big load of his "jism" that was beginning to run down my leg. (I wasn't wearing panties)  "Yeah!  Nice! That's what I'm saying, Baby.  Take it all! Take it all!" He replies from the passenger seat.  So, as I'm walking to get back into my car, I stick my hand in my shorts and get a nice warm wad of this stuff  on three of my fingers.    I enter the car.  "You think that's funny?" I say. "Hell yeah!"  He answers.   It was then, that I took my fingers and wiped a big glop of his own cum right smack dab across his face.  He calls it Vulgar. I call it, Establishing Dominance.    
  No Jeremy, I don't want to hear about the threesome you had with your cousin and her best friend.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         With the flu, and driving home in a really bad snowstorm, a turbo Saab coming the other way completely loses it -- spinning around and around, slowly working its way onto my side of the road.  I spot it from a long way off, and immediately get on the brakes, but traction is  so  poor that I can barely slow down.  He spins across right in front of me, our bumpers kiss lightly, and he continues down an embankment.  I stop and walk down. He's unhurt but very shaken up. I offer to help, but explain that I'd better drive, because I'm too sick to push.  I lightly feather the clutch while he grunts and groans. Suddenly, the studded snows bite, and I go zooming off up to the road, leaving him on his face in the snow.  Nice car. At the top, I yell: "Enjoy my VW!" and go driving off a ways before pulling a &frac12;-doughnut.  When I get back, he's kicking the crap out of my worthless bus, tears streaming down his face.  I'm such a cruel bastard, sometimes :-)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was making fun of boyfriend and his vast collection of porn in front of my friends one night and he took all that I dished out and then sat in silence for a moment.  His only retort was "Honey, it's OUR porn now."  My friends have never let that go...and probably never will.  
  I used to always feel this weird bump under my skin. I thought it was too small to be a tumor, so I ignored it. It got bigger and bigger, but still wasn't tumor sized. I ignored it, but I would pick at it. Scratch it. One day I looked at my finger and saw blood where I had been picking. I had broken the skin. I went over into a mirror too. I saw there was also some pus. Turned out it had been a pimple that had been growing under the skin. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. Pus just kept coming out. I didn't know the human body had so much pus in it. One of the most fun things I've ever done was squeezing all that pus out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Three in the morning in Ensenada Mexico. Everyone is asleep except for me and one of the Danish guys that joined our road trip in Mexico. We go outside for a smoke and to light a few of the fireworks we bought earlier.   There is some commotion around a mexi-dog stand on the corner. Never too late for a fine Mexican hotdog, the meat of questionable origin, wrapped with what appeared to be bacon, topped with a thick layer of mayonaise and relish. People warn you about drinking the water in Mexico, but never about the mexi-dogs.  There is some sort of band, mariachi maybe, playing along a wall a few feet from the hotdog stand. After each song they would smoke, laugh, and comment about the women hanging out down the street on the corner. Live music and food at 3:30 in the morning is not something Im accustomed to.  Danish guy is motivated, and goes down the street to check prices. I chill by the band soaking up the atmosphere, or at least feeling the effect of all the previously consumed alcohol circulate through my bloodstream.  My friend comes back two or three times from the corner, each visit with a new lower price. He is haggling, something I should have learned before I paid 40$ for a blanket earlier in the day.   I have zero interest in his adventure, although the mariachi band was quite amused. Laughing and joking with me in Spanish.  "No tengo pantalones" is my only reply. My Spanish is improving by the minute.  Finally Danish guy comes back, forty dollars is the lowest she will go for both of us, but we have to have our own hotel room. I still have no interest, but European and American social mores aside, I compliment his haggling prowess.  While he walks down the street, one of the older, grisled band members comes over to me. With a large smile, and very quick enthusiastic Spanish, he starts motioning wildly in front of me. He is trying to teach me Spanish maybe. I listen intently but nothing registers. Seeing the blank look on my face he became frustrated.  The trumpet player then walked up to me and said one word...  "Balls"  I then realized that 40$ for a blanket was a better deal than my Danish friend had negotiated.  
  Of my two best friends from high school, one is gay and the other is bi. I'm straight. Between us, we make one trisexual - we'll try anything.  
  Griping to my daughter how it seems that I can't do anything at work without someone watching me. People actually come up to me and say, "Hey, remember when...?"  I don't like this. My daughter says, "But mom, you're so much fun to watch."  What the hell????  
  Do you ever wake up with that awful, hacking, lung-butter cough?    I do, but usually after I smoke my first cigarette of the morning, I'm all better.  Mmmm.      
  I am sitting in a meeting for which I had to get out of (my warm) bed at 4am, (after celebrating my roommate's birthday last night). My manager has decided (one hour into it) that this is a totally boring exercise and we do not need to pay attention.  Even better, we cannot pay attention if we wanted to due to the general tomfoolery breaking out in the room. (Salespeople are easily distracted.) We are hopeful the "Mute" button works on the teleconferencing device since we are replying with sexually explicit queries every time the training manager asks, "Are there any questions?"  Breakfast will not be served until 8am, another hour and a half away.  Thank God for coffee.  
  The other day I stumbled onto a website that let me view the last meals of inmates executed by Texas's penal system since 1982. I became quickly addicted and read almost all of them.  One man asked only for a bag of assorted jolly ranchers.   I like that man.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So i don't save much porn.  What little i do have is mostly of myself.  Of that, all but three pictures (out of many, many) were spiteporn that i took to piss off an ex-boyfriend.  Pretty depressing.  Recently, i lost a bet with one of my friends, and he wanted pictures in exchange.  Well, my camera's broken, so i can't give him an--wait.  I got porn.  I got PLENTY of porn.  Looking back over them before i send, i realize i've got a shit eating, evil ass, revenge-driven smirk on my face.  Not at all hot, more silly, but i give 'em to him anyway.  Is it wrong that i have spent an inordinate amount of time wondering whether or not he got off on them?  Yeah, i thought so too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have this compulsion that requires that I turn the lights out on someone while they are in one of the stalls of a public restroom.  I achieved nirvana when I shut out the lights on 3 unsuspecting people, taking dumps in 3 seperate stalls in the bathroom in my office.  
    She asked me why I thought I had to be diffrent tham everyone else and I told it was because I was and she asked me why I told her that I always want to color in blue even if I'm supossed to color in red. I just like blue better.  She looked at me like I was crazy wich isn't entirely untrue.      
   American Dream #216  Getting one of them really expensive seafood  and  steak entrees  and  an appetizer  and  big fruity drinks  and  dessert at Applebee's -and not from the luncheon menu, neither.  
  first girl I had ever dated that was younger than me, I was 17, she was 15.  The sex was fantastic.  About 2 months into it we're arguing and she decides that it's all over.  I guess in some final effort to gain the upper hand in the argument she decides that this is the appropriate time to tell me "oh, by the way, it turns out i have chlamydia."  rather than sitting and skulking about another botched relationship, I saw the glass half full as I finally figured out why it burned so bad when I pissed.  The trip to the clinic was another story...  
  She wouldn't touch the blotter with the skulls printed on it, but when a batch came through the neighborhood decorated with Mickey Mouse as the sorcerer's apprentice she decided to give it a try.  Walked around on a mild autumn night and laughed our brains out. Midnight and she says she had better go home and get to sleep.  I told her that there would be no sleep for her until morning, but home she went.  Called her up about 2am and the phone was busy busy busy.  Walked over and found that she was in the process of calling up everybody in her address book and telling them that she was like Lewis Caroll or something. Gently took the receiver from her hand- it was some guy named Mark in Alaska on the other end.  I told him that she was okay, just coming down from an acid trip.  He thanked me profusely for letting him hang up.  Twenty-one years later she still refuses to talk about that night.  
  The story almost always seems to head in the same direction once you get to the "And then she got pregnant" part.  
   WTFWJD?  
  She refers to her cancer removal surgery as   "Oh, Cancer!"  As in, yes, she's famliliar with it.  As in, it's one of her many, many stories.  As in, "sympathy is in the dictionary between 'shit' and 'syphilis.'"  -is what she told me.   
  They're not strangers, they're just assholes you haven't met yet.  
  Work was slow today (I work as a cook at a restaurant) So I'm standing on the cooking line with Jordan, one of my co-workers. One of the wait staff girls, pretty 17-year-old Whitney walks by, and when she leaves I turn to Jordan and I say "I feel sorry for Whitney" to which he of course responds "why is that?" I say "because she has no soul. you can tell by looking at her eyes. there's nothing there. She's emptry. She's dead inside." Jordan just give me a weird look. I turn to Paul, the supervisor for the evening, and I say "I feel sorry for whitney, she has no soul" I don't even have to explain it to him, he just says "your goddamn right". So then I say , much to Jordan's amusment, "I would really like to have sex with a soulless husk"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i know it was probably immature of me, but I was watching football last night (monday, of course) and the commentators made the comment: "look at that guy! the ball was just shaking between his legs!" and then there was silence.  yes, it was juvenile for me to make the connection, but it's quite funny that the word "ball" brings up pretty much the same connotation in everyone's mind, you know?  
  Walking down the hall of a collegiate institution, I see a demure woman talking with her friend or associate, whatever. Great care has been taken with her hair, her makeup perfect. She carries herself as though she has walked runways since the day she was born. She looked me in the eye for a moment as we approached each other.  As I pass, I am priveleged to hear the conversation in progress.  "That fucking cocksucker then said I could go fuck myself. Fuck him, right?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Her cat died in the driveway, and since she is too squeamish to remove it, she leaves it there until her husband comes back from out of town. I know all this because her hobby is sitting out front on the cordless phone, gossiping loud as hell all day. At night, I move it with a shovel up to her doorstep. The next morning, she opens the door, shrieks, gets a broom, and shoves it back to the driveway. Next night, I move it up again. "Mom" she says on the phone the next morning, "I know it's still alive... it keeps trying to crawl back in the house!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The VIP movie theatres that have those waiters, dressed proud and elegant in tuxedo vests, carrying around the same stale and overpriced popcorn , and imitation soda from cheaper movie theatres, taking it serious to serve the bourgueoisie while they see "Harry Potter"  
   he looks up at the ceiling and the plaster chips fall into his face the rotund girls upstairs have the disco blasting elephants he screams at the ceiling elephants he dated two of them       
  A circumcision at the age of eleven meant that for nearly a year my whole family's attention were centred upon my dick. Obviously being the first-born son they wanted to ensure that i would be able to carry on the family lineage. But did my dad have to ask me every morning over breakfast, "So son, did you get an erection this morning?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Holy crap. I just went to do laundry, and one of my mom's detergents is called "Liquid Baby Detergent" or something, but all I saw was "Liquid Baby", and I was actually sitting there contemplating how they'd go about making liquid baby before I realized that that wasn't what it said.  I think I need to lay off the weed.  
  I got punched in the head in a crowd today.  After my normal "I should be doing my school work, but I'll plot revenge instead" session, it hit me.  I took a girls purse, and told her that he stole it.  Who knew she was a Blood and would have 10 guys kick his ass before he left the building for the day?  I did.  
  The past three days I expirenced the worst possible excretions one could ever have when attempting to shit:  The first horrible shit was taken in my own bathroom, which is always a nice thing. Anyway, it was one of those shits where you'd push, and the only thing that'd come out is your own piss. So, I stood up, and attempted to pee, and a couple drops came out. "okay" I figured, I was dry. I sat down, pushed, and I pissed instead. It took me about 15 minutes to finish pissing, and then finally I was able to get rid of a pitifully small turd. What a waste of time.  The second time was the complete opposite, in a way. I had a large dinner after the piss-shit, and now I had to shit, hardcore. Once the inital 5-inch plug got through, I kept shitting, and shitting, and shitting. I couldn't get up, everything was coming out, and I got real scared. I though I was shitting my organs out, and I got this weird feeling in my belly, an awful feeling I can't describe.  when the only thing coming out was my own goddamn saliva, I stood up, and wiped my ass, which was literally dripping with feces.  The toilet looked like it was filled with brown cheese-puffs and coffee. I felt sick because there was nothing at all in my digestive tract.  Of course, I gorged once again, only this time of breads and shit.  The next day, at about 4 I had to shit. Worst of all, this particular shit was an 'loss of anal virginity-sized shit.' the fucker felt spiky, it was hard, and wide as fuck. It was like being fucked by an eggplant. Worst of all, it was more of an inefficient ball, rather than pickle-shaped log, so it hurt like fuck, and didn't give me time to adjust before falling out into the toilet.   I wish I had a digital camera; I'dve taken pictures of all three so whoever reads this can see my shits in full color. I hope tomorow's shit isnt any worse.  
  so a few summer's back i lived with my best friend at his camp and with a friend we had from arizona.  one night we had invited a carload of horney sophmores to come stay the night and brian says to us that he won't be home until late cause he had to see his lady and we'd have to start without him....we try and convince him to not go visit his girlfriend, and he says: "you guys obviously don't know what it's like to be in love"......later that night he slept with one of the underage sophomores.......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i got into my mail box this morning, and saw that i had a reply to my resume online!  i read the moment of the day first, of course.  
  I make a point of wearing the exact same outfit everytime I go to my fiance's work. Theres no point, just a silent rebellion.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as he laid his arms on my back.. his hands formed around my sinuous waist.. he lifted my shirt..kinda tucked it into  my lacy black bra, and dripped the liquid along my back..as it trickled down my spine i got chills..he asked me to put my elbows on my knees,told me if i got light headed to tell him..not to hide it.and then    OUCH    ..my first tattoo.   
  in class today i sneezed and a fistload of flem came up. everyone around me turned around and "god-blessed" me. i thanked them then looked down and realized a wad of flem on my shirt. gross!        
  Today I am a mam.  Truly, for the first time, I can take credit for making the bathroom reek like the bowels of hell.  I stand proud...and empty.  
  My friend had a little too much to drink (and smoke) and his stomach decided to take a look at the outside world. As he vomited repeatadly into the toilet he realised that there had been a guy pissing into it when he started vomiting and he still continued to piss. On his head.  
  Burping while saying "Bjork" is much more satisfying than a default burp.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I wear the bandaid to protect the eyes of my admirers," she explained.  "The fear is no longer 'Oh my gosh, is that a pimple?' but 'Oh my gosh, is that a big, oozing, open wound?'"  
  When i was in 8th grade, there was this kid named Kenny who i hated with a passion. He was about a full foot shorter than me, and about a full foot wider than me, too. He would kit on my girlfriend, threaten me as well as my friends, and other assorted annoying things, like sit at the same table as me and all my friends (all 4 of us!).   One day, Kenny forgot to get a carton of milk in the lunch line. I always packed my lunch, so i was already seated. It was hot dog day. Seeing my chance to exact some seriously heinous revenge on the little toad, i hocked up the biggest loogey i could muster. Our table was in the very back, far from the lunch line and far from Kenny's potential line of site. The others looked on in horror as i spat the nasty green/yellow glob into Kenny's hot dog, right near the end, where Kenny would undoubtedly bite first.  When Kenny returned, we all set to making hot-dog related jokes as he ate. We all fell silent as he finished the last bite and exclaimed "Hey, that was better than normal"   By the end of the day, Kenny was the only one who didnt know what i had done to him, and i had become a legend among my class, forever to be rememebered as "The kid who hocked on Kenny's hot dog."  
  i can think of being a  nun... and then suddenly ill get a flash of me ...wrinkled whimple, rosary beads draped over naked breasts and masterbating in front of a crucifix...then im like ...nope..im not gonna be a nun.        
  The moment: You're on the last bus home, it's late at night.  You've been at the bar drinking all evening, and tonight you've got on your lucky 'I only need to take a piss once' pants. You last went three hours, and 6 beers back, and now, you're trapped on the bus.  Whilst sitting on the bus, you start having a conversation with a complete stranger, who happens to be a relatively cute girl.  All of a sudden, your bladder fills up from nowhere, and you have to take a piss imediately, no questions asked, or you're going to get a nice warm feeling in your slacks.  Your dilemma: Do you jump off the bus and relieve yourself, facing the prospect that you'll get off in the middle of nowhere and have to walk for miles to get home, and you've got work in the morning, and the cute girl you've just been talking to will realise how weak-bladdered you are, and should the opportunity arise for you to talk again, she'll ignore you assuming your small bladder is some metaphor for your flawed personality?  Or, stay on the bus, and keep talking to the girl, knowing full well that you're going to wet yourself, but she might not notice, and on the plus side, you'll be home a lot earlier than in the first option?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Skeevy-recycled-paper-pickup-guy comes barging into my office today.  Apparently he got us two tickets to go see Once Upon A Time In Mexico.  I yawn and turn back to work on the computer.  "Well!  Do you wanna go?!"  "Not particularly...but...ok.  If you give me the tickets, i'll meet you there."  "Awesome!  I'll be there ten minutes before the movie starts so we can get seats!"  And so will I, my disgusting friend, but an half hour early and not with you.  
  one day i was driving through town on a hot day with my windows rolled down and the radio turned up. i guess i was singing along a little too loud cuz when i stopped at a light the guys next to me rolled down their windows and asked me who i sang for. i told them no one and then had to sit for the remainder of the light in an awkward silence feeling embarassed and self conscious.  
  Woke up hungover, having fallen asleep in my friend's easy chair. I had pissed myself. Try talking your way out of that one.     
  In highschool me and 2 other cats flushed m-80's down the toilets right across form the cafeteria. I guess the sewer line ran right under the kitchen because the entire area backed up with raw sewage and they closed the cafeteria for over a week.  Glad we didn't get caught for that one...  
  i think that it is a good idea to have a bunch of snappy retorts ready for any emotional conflict / crisis situation.  witty remarks  like: "yeah, blow me bitch!"        
  Playing cards at a friend's house, talking about all the bullshit such games usually generate. At some point, when we were all really trashed, we started talking about swapping partners for the evening, everyone sleeping with/fucking somebody else's significant other. My friend Shan, who can hold his likker better than most, was the lone dissenting voice. He looked at me and said:  "If I let you fuck my girlfriend, I'd have to kill you afterward."   Me: "But would it be worth it?"  Pause.  Him: " Absolutely, are you nuts?"   He ended up only giving me a black eye. And he was right, it WAS worth it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Mid summer on an averge working day in a closed door warehouse very hot , my boss comes down , he's a weed of a man, very business person and we were talking shit and I meantion, fuck it's real hot in here aye! , and there's this wee girl upstairs, she just had her office reduced to half it's size and it's stinking hot in there, so he knows this, we all do .. he goes , " ya know , she's got the hottest lil box here" - I went blank with fear of bursting out loud laughing - but I could't , I keept my calm .. he went red , we went separate ways.  
  the first post said, "i have a big, nay, a HUGE fucking cock."  the second was, "i am a cockaholic."  hm.  lowbrow should be used to bring these like-minded people closer together.  if only we'd all use our real e-mail addresses.  
  all the lights staring out the window of my apartment watching two guys taking turns on one of the neighbourhood whores in their pickup truck.  i thought this was supposed to be the nice part of town.  
  I have been doing lots of work in the wood shop at school for a project.  While in there a made a  new friend.   One day, we were hanging out, and I was thinking about boosting his ego and giving him a complement.  I told him that I liked his forearms.  He promptly asked how I noticed his forearms.  I told him I noticed while he was shaving his wood.  On the tradegy of misunderstanding.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so there i am, drunk as can be  and finnaly i get up the guts to talk to "the girl with the brown hair"  needless top say, she is seeing someone  and the girl i tried for after that..  she hooked up with a guy who has a hairy back  man is that sad        
   Will Work For Food  I'm moving house, and my buddy who was going to help is a no-show. I already have the truck rented, and the trailer for my VW camper, so I'm stuck. Then I remember the guy who stands in front of the supermarket with his sign: "I will work for food." OK! He looks big and strong enough! Me: "Can I hire you for four hours work? I'll give you more than food - I'll pay you $10/hour." Guy: "Doing what?" Me: "Helping me move." Guy: "Does that involve lifting? I'm disabled, and I can't lift anything more than 20lb, though my doctor won't sign my disability papers, which is why I'm stuck here." Me: "Well, maybe you could just drive the truck while I drive my VW. I'll do all the lifting, and I'll pay you the same." Guy: "Drive a truck? How big is it? I have carpal tunnel syndrome, so steering wheels are hard for me..." Five years later, the guy is still in front of the supermarket with his sign. Every time we see him, my wife and I make up a new sign for him, like: "I will file papers for food." "I will go away for an hour for food." "I will tan for food." "I will stay in bed all day for food." "I will do light dusting for food." ...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my cousin's friend successfully gave his 16 year old girlfriend a donkey punch..   .. to my knowledge, she's still with him.  fucking idiot.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Diner. Corner booth. Sunday, 9PM.  "But if I clench my ass muscles, I'll spray shit all over the seat."  "What? How did you manage to fuck up potty training? Did you not pay attention? Why did it never occur to you that humans have more control than that over their rectums; that you can actually clench your ass muscles sometimes without involuntarily spraying shit everywhere?"  "Because I'm awesome."  
  We were out at a bar.  Hanging out.  Talking.  Cracking on each other.  We decided to order a round and toast to old times.  We ended up chugging to old times.  Kevin offered Rozik a dollar if he would puke in the pitcher.  Rozik filled the pitcher, threw the barf over the wall, and then put the pitcher on some other guys' table.  I've never been so confused and awestruck at the same time.  Sometimes a dollar can go a long ways. Rozik just bought a slim jim.  
  When I was in HS there was this girl who really wanted me. She'd flirt during play practice, try to touch me when we stopped in the halls. She made it damn clear that I could have her, any time I wanted.  One day, I got bored and decided to try her out. I invited her over and suggested we rent a movie. We ended up renting The Muppet Movie, and scrumped like bunnies in heat through the entire thing, pausing occasionally to rewind the movie and hear a really bad pun. It was fun, so I invited her back for the rest of the series over the next couple of months, resulting in a mildly disturbing arousal in me every time I see a muppet.  That's right, I get horny whenever I see a children's puppet show. Take a minute and get it out of your system now.  Years later, I finally confess this secret to a friend of mine from out of town. She asks if she can tell other people about this. I tell her sure, figuring, how often do I go to visit her anyway? A little razing from a couple of people would do me some good.  The next time I go to visit her, a large group of her friends (all female, all extremely hot, all dressed really slutty) kidnap me, drag me to one of their houses, and sit me down on one of their couches.  One of them explains, "We were wondering if it was just Muppets, or all children's shows. But since you're so shy about the subject, we figured out a better way to check than just asking you."  They proceed to put in a children's animated series, and then all five of them stare intently at my crotch for the entire four hour tape.  I swear, I'm never going to get rid of this horrific fetish.  
  This morning I woke up at the end of my wet dream with my wife staring at the puddle and my semi-turgid state.  There are some things you just shouldn't have to explain.  
  My younger brother was in the bathroom and my older brother needed to use it. He was in a hurry and didn't wish to wait so he decided to relieve himself in the back yard.  As he began to urinate next to my garage in my back yard my younger brother called out to him from the bathroom window to inform him that it was now his for the taking. He explained that he didn't need it. As he looked back at his steady stream of urine he noticed that my 7 week old puppy was standing under it, virtually bathing in it, seeking comfort in it's warmth on a cold december day.  
  One night long ago as I lay in bed with my wife, I rolled over and cut a huge fart. Not just any fart, but a violent, sharp, buzzing fart. She awakes with a start and tries to wake me. "Wake up! I think I heard an electrical short!" I was already awake, and I knew it wasn't a short. I started laughing. "I did! I really heard it!" She thought I was laughing at her for thinking she heard an electrical malfunction when we were both in immediate danger of a raging electrical fire, and became more insistent and angry. I just laughed harder and couldn't stop so I could explain it, which made her angrier, and so on.  Finally, I caught my breath and explained what had happened. Although she was relieved the house wasn't burning down, I've never seen a woman so close to physical violence because of poorly timed flatulence.  
  Back in the fraternity days we had a communal shower.  Usually everyone would leave their shampoo in there, but there was this one turd who never shared, and regularly stole from everyone else's bottles.  We removed all the bottles, except one, which we filled with grease from the deep frier.  I don't think I've ever laughed as hard seeing the turd come out of the shower with stringy ringlets of hair hanging down in his face.  
  7/22/02: 14:14.  My parents informed me in the middle of June that I wasn't going to go through another summer without getting a job.  School starts September 5th. I'll be a Senior.  "Yeah, uh-huh mom. I'll start working."  I start August 25th. I guess I'm not going through the WHOLE summer...  
  You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up in someone else's apartment, naked, on the floor, surrounded by half-empty beer bottles that have cigarette butts floating in them, your head lying in a pizza box that has half a slice left, and you're two hours late for your first day at work. Oh well... Might as well finish off the beers and the pizza...  
     True conversation between my roommate and myself.   Him: "Hey, why does it smell so bad in here?"  Me:  "Let's just say I accidentally set something on fire."  Him: "Like what?"  Me: "Goddamn dude, quit asking so many questions. Let's just agree that a lot of paper went up in flames and leave it at that."  He turned and left.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was standing there at work, parceling an order, when my boss approached me.  "Do you see these?" he said, holding up a stack of fifty $1 bills. "With these, you can get 100 breasts rubbed in your face." Then he turned around and walked back to the service desk.  Suddenly my boss seems a whole lot cooler.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yeah you are your own GrandPa back there coving both ends!"  We have no idea what he was talking about, but seems rather quotable anyway.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving with my family through southeast New Jersey, and we passed a billboard for the Tuckahoe Inn.  Out loud, mostly to myself, I commented "Hmm, Tuckahoe Inn ... ... sounds cozy."  They'll never let me forget that one.  
  The car:  From box, to ugly rounded hatchback, to ugly rounded front and hatchback, to rounded...uh...  You know we're all going to be floating around in bubbles pretty soon, right?  
  I had to piss really bad when we got back to the dorm. It was late, I was drunk, so I walked into the study lounge and pissed in the middle of the floor with the lights out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Putting together a collection of just about every Nintendo game ever made for my emulator, so I could have something to do while eating cheez-its and drinking generic orange soda.        
  Someday, sorry_e_e@hotmail.com and i will smoke a joint together.  Someday.        
  far too much beer far too quickly... i could clearly make out my lunch of tomato and mushroom pizza among the wreckage.   i dont know if ill ever be able to eat pizza again.  however, there is no doubt in my mind that ill be drinking like that some time in the very near future.  
  Co-worker during a meeting telling me how her kid was afraid to attend the local highschool.  I said, "Huh?" (My kid graduated from the same highschool.)  She said, "The kids there have parents who work for _ _ _ and they have too much money, their own cars at 16 years old and too much time on their hands. Most of them do drugs and get into trouble."  I said, "Geesh, my kid never told me anything like that." at which time the co-worker became an enemy.  Later, talking to my kid (now an adult) and telling her of the conversation, my daughter said, "All she said was true, mom."  My kid was one of those who had too much money, a car of her own at sixteen and who messed around with drugs.  But she never got in trouble and she never caused me problems.  And my relationship with the co-worker is much better now.  
  Not my moment, but I thought I'd share  My friend told me that the weather was trippy...so I told him that it is not the weather that is trippy, it perhaps may in fact be the way that we PERCEIVE the weather that is indeed trippy.  Then I thought to myself, I should have just said "Yeah."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just made a yelp noise in the middle of my campus computer lab, because I hit reload on one of limbo's posts before I was done.     >  
  i just learned two new things... one, i thought and prayed i would never know: you gotta pull pretty hard on those little strings to get the tampon to pop out. the other was pleasantly suprising: i can comfortably have sex in the back of my volkswagen.  
  Once I was in the supermarket with my best friend and she thought she might have gotten her period. So right in the middle of the cereal aisle she stuck her fingers down her pants, checked to see if she had it, and realized it was just the normal female discharge that occurs sometimes. The only problem was what to do with the goo on her fingers. So she gingerly picked up a box of Coco Puffs, wiped the goo on the back of the box, and went to go buy a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.   
  Poor Dan,  He works in a movie theater with 15 screens and has the pleasure of cleaning each one up after a movie ends.  During his shift today each auditorium sold out three times.  This would not have been a bad thing if he had not been the only one working that day... or if the truck had not dropped of many thousands of pounds of popcorn, oil, salt, cups, and all sorts of other heavy and awkwardly sized packages.  Well, I hung out with him after work... kept him company tried to help him feel better and did not in any way mention the fact that I had spent his entire 12 hour shift with his woman.  
  I stopped at the Dairy Mart tonight. I went in and there was a very drunk guy, age unknown due to long unwashed scraggly hair hanging over his face and copious facial hair, just as matted as his head hair, and the ever present ball cap. He was redneck skinny, no ass with his pants sagging badly and he wasn't trying to be a homey. He was with a kid about 13 who had a harelip. Drunk guy had just finished paying for a 30 pack of Old Milwaukee and was complaining that he couldn't leave because the cops were waiting for him outside. The clerk told him the cops had good reason to be looking for him. He says, "I didna do nothin, it was my cuzin who stole that shit." He then walked through the door into the office area. A few minutes later, a 300 lb. woman who was balding!?! walked out screaming at the clerk, "Your goddam brother is pissing on the toilet seat and says you said he could use the commode." The clerk says, "I ain't related to no damn Howells and I didn't give him leave to use the commode." Drunk guy comes out and the clerk says, "Git your ass out of here." He says, "Don't think I will." She says, "I'm calling your Momma." Drunk guy turns to harelip and says, "You're drivin, let's go." They leave, when I leave I see harelip pushing a grocery cart with drunk guy and the 30 pack in it. This is absolutely true and I had to write it down to really believe it.   
  Today in English class whilst working in a group for some stupid project my friend tells me to smile, I do, he then proceeds to crack up for about 5 minutes.  Finally I get him to tell me what exactly was so funny.  Through his laughter he managed to tell me that I had a pubic hair stuck between my teeth  !!!!  I don't think I smiled for the rest of the day.  Nor did I open my mouth up much as well.   I think its time to trim but I want dreds or some sort of funky thing down there...  
  While working as a medic in an army clinic in Japan, I had to take a rather large-breasted woman for a mammogram at a local university hospital off-base. The Japanese X-ray tech is very nervous, especially after Ms. Double-D strips to the waist. He gets her all set up and then goes behind the shield to the controls. He calls out to her to hold her breath, but because of his accent, it comes out, "Please hold your breasts." She looks momentarily perplexed, then sort of shrugs, cups her boobs in her hands, and lifts them up. The poor X-ray tech nearly passed-out.  
  On the phone with my paranoid, edgy, volatile girlfriend.  Call waiting beeps into my ear.  "Be right back, gottanother call."  I talked to a middle aged grandfather about his newborn grandson, his first ever.  It was a good conversation, and I felt genuinely happy for the man, which is surprising due to my normal nature regarding human beings.  It was a wrong number.    As I switched back over into a hellstorm of "Who the fuck was that?!?",  "Was it another girl?!?",  and "Answer me, goddamit!"... I thought to myself: "Humanity isn't so bad, after all."    Hey, man, I hope things are cool with your grandson.  
  if you think that only assholes care then maybe you should change your definition of asshole ever think about that         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went to Walker's Place. He's a computer geek with a gun fetish.  Started slamming Stoli and Cuervo with him and my Korean Girlfriend.  He pulls out his .44 and points it at the cieling... pulls the trigger just enough to advance the cylinder, then lets off.  As expected, BAM. Hole in the roof.  I look at it, and there are 3 or 4 patched holes next to it.    I start to think crap. Someones gonna call the cops, then remember.  This is LA.  Walker pulls out a bong and we pass it around.  We end up tag teaming my girlfriend.  She passes out somewhere around 3am.  We stop around 6.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         at thirteen i realized after a full on hands off the handle bar race that ended in a horrible summertime pavement cartwheel crash into a parked car that if i pulled my face off the searing tar  that the pain would be unbearable rip it was        
  this morning I'm making my breakfast.  I've been on a big stir fried veggies with egg whites kick lately.  So I chop up some zucchini, green peppers, carrots, dump in some baby peas, and I'm fryin' away(I like to use just a few drops of sesame oil).  The veggies are almost done so now it's time for the egg whites.  I always use the egg shells to get just the whites.  So I crack open the first egg and turn up the shells to catch the yoke.  I don't know what the fuck happened to that egg, but I thought I was gonna puke right there on the stove.  It didn't smell bad but it pretty much ruined the veggies.  The egg white that came out was like water and the "yoke" was this oblong white mass that reminded me of a chicken that didn't quite make it.  I decided to have some bran cereal for breakfast instead.  And I'm gonna start crackin' my egg whites into a bowl.....  
  hours she spent staring at herself adjusting this and primping that the clock ticked away she was finished perfect in her own assessment of her totaleffect as she called it there was no way in hell i was gonna tell her she had a massive ratsnest looking tangle sitting on the back of her head         
  one day at school me and a couple of my friends were out in the hall just sitting there talking. i started to laugh and my shoe squeeked on the ground. they were both like, "Ew dude did you just glee fart?" being my oblivious self i asked, "whats a glee fart?" "its when youre laughing so hard that you let the gas out" just then i laughed my ass off and did indeed glee fart for the whole world to hear   
  I was gonna go upstairs and sign off AIM, but this was interesting.  Out of the blue:  hotrodgurl26: hi.. wanna chat :-) tetragrammatn: um, ok tetragrammatn: who are you? hotrodgurl26: asl (age sex location)? hotrodgurl26: 24/f/new york tetragrammatn: how do you know my screen name...? hotrodgurl26: its liz.. if you wanna know more check out my web page   http://www.cyberfungirls.com/elisabeth/ tetragrammatn: oh, it's a pron bot hotrodgurl26: so what are you up to tetragrammatn? tetragrammatn: that's clever tho tetragrammatn: fooled me tetragrammatn: clever......... tetragrammatn: devious tetragrammatn: like a chimpanzee hotrodgurl26: what?? what is a bot? tetragrammatn: wait hotrodgurl26: cool. i was just hangin out. kinda bord.. kinda horny :-) tetragrammatn: it's not a bot? hotrodgurl26: should i take that as a yes? tetragrammatn: holy crap hotrodgurl26: feel like cybering with me ?  please please... tetragrammatn: this is the smartest porn bot ever hotrodgurl26: hold on. lets get a simple yes or no answer. you are of age and you want to cyber with me? hotrodgurl26: ok, i can take a hint.. but you should check out the pictures i have of me on my site.. you might change ur mind.. check it out http://www.cyberfungirls.com/elisabeth/ tetragrammatn: yes, i think this is a pron bot tetragrammatn: wow tetragrammatn: smart porn bots tetragrammatn: the first of the four horsemen tetragrammatn: my plans are now falling together! tetragrammatn: praise allah!  They're out there.  Keep an eye out.  
  Sitting upstairs, reading the brow.  All of a sudden, I hear my dad yell out "GODDAMMIT!" and so forth.  Turns out my dog puked on the carpet (again).  Stupid dog has a habit of drinking water until he vomits.  And it's always on carpet.  Dad's still yelling at the dog, and I hear him say "I just finished telling you not to drink too much water!"  Way to go, dad.  Maybe if you yell louder, he'll understand english.  I can't decide who's dumber: the dog for drinking so much water he pukes, or my dad for thinking that a verbal warning should be enough to keep it from happening again.  
  My father asked me, after I came home at 4am with a torn short and drool hanging from my lip, if I just came back from one of those  gay  people events.   "No, Dad, lesbians were there, too."  
  I just finished watching the film "Traffic". So I am making making a mental checklist of my own misspent youth hinking about what I'll say with my own daughters: - snorting coke (check!) - drinking with friends (check!) - smoking dope (check!) - freebasing (errr, once, ok check!) - Becoming a crack whore and stealing and pawning momma's jewlery to get money for crack then moving then fucking black guys drug dealers with guns in exhcnage for more crack then moving myself into a sleazy hotel and pimping myself to get more money for crack (errrr, no I think that last one was a little extreme for my white middle class suburb thank-you-very-much)      
  I am trying to figure out why the woman who shares my cubical at work drives me so crazy. It could be the fact that she considers a spiral perm the height of fashion. It could be that her voice resembles Lily Tomlin's Ernestine character on speed...and loud. It could be that she's in her late 40's and still acts "cutsey". It could be that she talks to herself all the time, not like muttering the way we all do when preoccupied, but because she wants to be heard. It could be because she just tries too fucking hard. It could be because she's so hopelessly codependent she still makes appointments for her 22 year old son. It could be that she tries to butter me up by calling me guru. I mean she does all the things everyone else does and gets away with, but on her it just rings utterly false.   It could be that I could be her in another 15 years.   Good Christ, no, it couldn't be that.  
   Well, smack my gnome and call it a bitch!  
  It never ceases to amaze me how many guys I've casually fucked that ask this question.  It seems after two or three times they get some courage and say "So do you know any female friends who would like to have a threesome with us?"    First of all, just because I'm promiscious and I slept with you as soon as I met you...it doesn't mean I have a shitload of friends that are also whores.    Second, it also doesn't mean I automatically MUST eat cootchie too, cause I don't.    Third, what are the odds of someone lucking out enough to find not just one whore, but two whores that want him, and at the same time at that?    Next time I get asked that question, I think I will be clever and reply, "Sure, I'd like a threesome, but do you think your mom will do it?"  
  I have a broken rib right now.  Never throw a bunch of wire coat hangers into a lamaze class.  
   
  Hold on a sec...  lemme finish masturbating..  . . . . . . .  ok, donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne.  fuck!  the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn key is stuck nnnnnnnnnnnow :(  damnnn you sperm!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My left nipple is pierced.  It is therefore slightly bigger than my right nipple.  I am reminded of a hermit crab.  
  Every time I turn down a slut or a chance at some fun promiscuity, I curse my parents for brainwashing me with the concept of morality.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         MoonGames:  His hair is all grown out and he resembles one of those  pictures of Jesus. Oh my! I'm sleeping with Jesus       
  Ok, so if you've seen Dogma, you know that Jay supposedly masturbates more than anyone else on the planet. What I want to know is how many times a day does he actually do it? Because I think I might have him beat. No pun intended.   (Anyone ever notice how people say no pun intended when they most certainly did intend the pun? That fucking pissed me off.)  
  So there is some heavy construction going on across from my building, and they had closed the only road that lets me get into my parking lot.  Naturally, I move one of the cones so I can get my car through, pull over to the side of the road, and get out to move the cone back.  While I'm getting out of the car, a cop is tear-assing down the road, lights and sirens, and stops maybe 10 feet in front of me.  He gets out, gun out, wanting to see my hands.  While he's got my hands on the hood, he tells me that the roll of quarters in my pocket, which I use for laundry, is a weapon.  He finally decides that he's not going to arrest me and I go home.  Protect and Serve, I guess...  
  Grocery Clerk entry #17: It's August in SoCal, about 100 degrees outside.  I have to wear long sleeve shirts because the insde of my forearm is covered with a tattoo.  They want me to go outside and do a cart run. Bullshit.  Cart run OR long sleeves.  You don't get both.  As of last week, no more long sleeves for me.   
  My friend, Rusty, has a bad habit of never [and I mean NEVER] wearing shoes, one day he came over and said "I think I found a reason to wear shoes" then he held up his foot and his big toe looked much like an exploded hotdog. I just said "eww I bet its full of infection" I still dont know what happened.  
  I used to have long pretty fake nails.  Then I realized I couldn't masturbate quite as efficently with them.  They had to go.  Sometimes I guess you just gotta pick and chose.      
  Dealing with a male's sex drive has become easier as I've gotten older.  Most of my close friends are guys, and I relate to them as well as I can relate to my female friends.  Well, sometimes.  Nobody informed me that guys get horny so easily, and for no apparent reason to me.  Well, I was sitting on his lap rubbing his knee.    He's been my best friend since childhood, yet he still gets an erection every time I show the slightest bit of affection.  I will never understand men.  
   shitfuckdamnshitshit  is a good one, double-e.  George Carlin taught me  shitpissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfuckerandtits .  But my dad's my real influence. I inherited  shitfuckbuggerdamn  from him, as well as  unbefuckinglievable . Got a good ring to them, which I guess is why they stuck in my formative mind.  Besides, he's been there my whole life. One time my em and pee were driving somewhere with me in the back, and we got cut off by some dipshit. My dad honked the horn. Out of the backseat came my 2-year-old voice:  " fuckingasshole. "  My mom to my dad: "You SEE?? You SEE??"  Kids really do listen, folks.  
  As far back as I can remember...   I cannot escape spilling or dropping something on my crotch...    And everytime I do it   It stains my poor pants worse than the time before....   Stain defender pants?  I laugh in the face of stain defender  You cannot defend when it is  I who wears you....  And it is I who eats a bowl of extra saucy spaghettios  defend that fucker  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I flew out to California to see her and she wouldn't even talk to me.  I never did find out if she got hepatitis from me sticking her toothbrush up my ass.       
  due to a potentially fatal allergy to pickles a special burger was made for me at mcdonalds. after waiting some 2 minutes for said burger the overweight staff member apologized for the wait:  in a moment usually reserved for 20 minutes after such an incident i replied:  "its ok, you'll lose it some day"  lunch that day: quarter pounder with cheese, NO pickle....lowbrow   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to be a star employee. I busted my ass. I'd finish today's projects and then finish as many of tomorrow's as I could. Sometimes I was working two days ahead of schedule.  Then I found lowbrow.com.  
        While in the Army, I met up with this dude in the hallway and made a bet that I could do two pushups for each one he did.  He proceded to do 45 pushups.  I then got down on the floor and did 2 pushups.  I got back up, and he took a swing at me.  His nose is now bent to the right.  
  The highlight of my day is doing a Marlon Brando imitation involving demanding little boys to sit in my lap.  
  I feel a particular sarcastic twang when I type what goes after the @:        
  I was delivering some plans to a consultant the other day. The guys that were re-tiling the entryway of the building stopped me and said, "You're the prettiest thing to walk through here today."  I should have said, "I feel sorry for all the ladies you just inadvertantly insulted."  Instead, I thanked him and walked back to my car. I mean, it's a nice compliement and all... but not from a 60-year old, graying white dude and his 2 drooling mexican lackeys.  
  "God Loves Guns.  So Should You"  THIS, hanging from a redneck's nipple ring.    
  I was in a record store with my girlfriend and I had a huge zit on my chin.  I said I couldn't stand it anymore, so like any good girlfried of more than a year, she offered to pop it.  Right in the middle of the record store.  It was under so much pressure that it exploded a wad of pus straight onto her glasses.  You could HEAR it pop.  She ran to the bathroom to wash herself off.  That's what more than a year will get you, I guess.    
  I looked at the phone booth.  I looked at my little sister.  I looked at the phone booth.  I looked at my little sister.  Then I felt the gas pain again.  Some how I convinced my nine year old sister that the phone in the booth that didn't ring was in fact a phone call for her.  She fell for it.   Into the phone booth she steps and reaches for the reciever.  By the time she realizes that it was a sham, the deed was done.  I had managed to get my ass in the booth at the same time she picked up the phone and managed to let loose the foulest smelling fart that my filthy bowels have ever given birth too.  I then slammed the door shut and held it closed.  My sister must have vomited up at least 2 gallons of whatever food she had eaten that day.  Imagine the exorcist with food poisening.  Not one of my finer moments but I well cherish that memory forever.  
  I was doing my laundry, always a diverting pasttime. When I opened the dryer to remove the first load, a pair of pink thong panties was sitting on top of the pile of clothes.  [[Damn. I don't remember having enough fun to have acquired those...]]  Apparently the dryer exchange rate was three men's dress socks to one pink thong.  Odd trade.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here's a fun fact about sex that an ex-girlfriend told me a while ago: "If I can think well enough to formulate whole words, it means that you're not fucking me hard enough!" If only I knew her now....  
  GRR. My dad is a moron. An absolute moron with NO taste whatsoever. I cringed when he bought a bunch of pink flamingos and put them in the beautiful flowerbeds around the house... And promptly kicked them all over and blamed the wind. Those babies have been "mysteriously" disappearing one by one... Damn pink flamingo stealing motorcycle gang [wink wink].  It gets worse.   Now, he is going through a "must decorate everything with ships and sailor stuff", so the house looks like some tawdry whore ripoff of 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'.  Today, he bought 2 'old world' signs. One says "Bait and Tackle"... and the other says "The Crab Shack" with a huge fucking crab on the front of the damn thing. GOD HELP ME. I don't want ppl coming over to visit, they are going to think my family is Pro-STD or something! GRR. Quick, I need to come up with a plan to make those signs mysteriously vanish! Hmm...  "We gots yer crabs. And we like um" -- The Pink Flamingo and Crab Sign Stealing Motorcycle Gang.   --P.S. Yer little Christmas time village that is STILL set up on the tv is next. Arrr, matey!         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Chicken roadkill on the Grand Central Parkway in NY. Maybe this sort of thing is the norm in the Midwest, where livestock and farmland are commonplace. But not here. That's the first, the last and the only time I've ever seen something like that. Makes you wonder where the heck it came from. Why did this chicken cross the road?  
  To the dipstick who stole the yogurt out of the office fridge last week:  Hey schmuko, you stole valuable calcium from a pregnant woman. Your fat gut probably didn't even need it.   
   Yorkshire Drivers Handbook  My first car was a sweet 1956 Austin A30 that I bought for &pound;25.  Ten feet long, 1&frac12; tons, and 800cc of (ahem!) muscle.  Needless to say, it took its sweet time getting up to speed, so I didn't like to stop.  Yorkshire is full of quiet, narrow country lanes with hedgerows. At night, I developed a technique of approaching an intersection with my lights off, so that I could tell if anything was coming the other way. If I didn't see any lights, I didn't stop.  This usually unnerved my passengers, but I'd explain that it was perfectly safe...  ...until the time I didn't stop, and missed the crossing car by a foot.  That's how close lowbrow came to missing all my deathless moments :-)  Plus, in the back seat, there was the beautiful Lisa Gottsegen, who at the time was secretly engaged to Dustin Hoffman (they're still married), and Anne "Bambi" Udall, daughter of  Arizona senator Mo Udall, who was mounting a serious Presidential race that year (1976).  When we split up, my first wife took all her hifalutin' friends with her -- I bet they were grateful.  
  Sorry e e mentioned something about what should he say to all the jesus freaks.  (you've probably read the one if you spend as much time on lowbrow as i have.)  well  to that i have only an anecdote  A "Jesus freak", well, not really jesus, as his religion wasnt in any way related to christianity, came to my door.  He was soliciting door to door, much the same way Jehova's witnesses do, for his patron deity.  I wont say which one, because i dont have or want to, but he became highly offended when i told him I killed his patron deity.  I stabbed it all over, skinned its skull for use as a commode and planted flowers in the ground up remains of the groin.  He pulled a tazer on me.  A fucking tazer.  on my front porch.  he said that, not quoting but you get the general idea...  Only his deity could save my polyphase intrinsic electric field.  Known to non engineers as "The Soul".  So i didnt say anything.  i just hit him.  what would you do?  
  Wow.  I got laid off.  The pink slip they gave me was marked 'lack of work'.  I think it should have been marked 'lack of money'.  
  My ex-father-in-law used to pass an evening or two sitting at the top of the steps leading down into the garage, shooting rats.  It didn't occur to me until I finally moved out of state and to a place less inbred that this was not normal. At least not until after the second keg, anyway.  
  I came home about 10.30 on Friday night to find my housemate & new girlfriend and about 4 other people bouncing round the room.  They'd taken speed, been smoking bongs and drinking beer all evening.  We went out drinking and playing pool until 3, and stayed up smoking till 5.  I went to bed then.  The next day the girlfriend calls home and leaves a message.  "Hi Dad, Hi Mum, I won't come home till this evening, had a big night last night so I'm just going to slack around here". Then she hung up.    The big night before had left her a little scattered and she sounded a bit vague on the phone, so we gave her shit about it.  Housemate: "fuck you sounded vague, uhhhh  hi mum uh, hi dad ummmm'  Me: "Sorry guys I'm not coming home - I'm coming down, too much speed last night."  GF: "Ah shut up guys, my parents don't know I take drugs!"  A couple of minutes later we hear the phone beeping.  Turns out she didn't hang the phone up properly, and our whole conversation had been recorded on her folks answering machine.  They jump in the car, race over to her place, and check the machine.  Clear as a bell, there's out voices rambling on about speed etc.  No-ones home, so they delete it, but shit! Too close for comfort...      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Being a nanny for a 3 year old boy you tend to expect "odd" things to happen. This is one i never expected...  3 year old- Why is my pee pee standing up?  me- Umm i dont know. Do you have to pee?  3 year old- how am i suppose to pee when its pointing to my face?  me- well i dont know honey just sit down and it will go away.  3 year old- I'll just take my underwear off.  me- NOOOO!! oh no dont do that!!! Just leave it alone and it will go away  Then he gave me a weird look and sat down.    
  Bastard, I hope a monolith falls from the sky and kills your dog!  
  i  would also like to fuck LaDiFrickinDah and cheerleaderatyercrocth but i just think that if i asked nicely they'd comply  
  when you are drunk and rude and have been harrassing the beautiful bartendress incessantly for a few hours do not repeat do not do a shot of  windex even if it is offered  on the house fact is there is a shot called windex and its curacao and vodka or someshit but the chances improve exponentially that you will get a shot of real windex if you are drunk and rude and have been harrassing the beautiful bartendress incessantly for a few hours word to the wise    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My latest musical endeaver is entitled  "Vulgar Hairlip"  Let image conjuring begin...  
  She gives great head.  She doesn't swallow, but she tries.  She told me that her goal is  "to be able to swallow it all, then belch really loud right after."  I wasn't sure if I should be aroused by this or offended, but I decided that I wouldn't care, just as long as she swallowed.  
  A few years ago, in 11th grade, I took a business math class to get out of taking Algebra 2 or something hard like that.  I had this really annoying teacher that shouldn't have been teaching to begin with.  She was horrible.  So one day, the day before spring break actually, she assigns us a paper, four pages long, about I don't even remember what.  All I knew was I was pissed, that was as long as my english term paper, and in a math class?  Yeah, I'm a whiner, I still didn't like it.  So, frustrated, I ask "Well, how much is this going to be worth?"  assuming maybe it will be worth few enough points that I could just not do it, and still get a decent grade.  Her response? "I'm not going to answer that until after the break."  "No, I want to know NOW, bitch!"  My face went white, mostly because I couldn't believe I'd just said that.  I figured I'd get supsended and have an extra-long spring break.  She told me to leave the class, so I went to lunch early and she never mentioned it again.  She left that school at the end of that year, I partially credit myself to that.  That was, sadly enough, probably my proudest moment in high school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My cousin is so stupid he thinks a "wiccan" is a white kid who tries to be Puerto "Riccan".    
  Cold cold morning for the CA coast. I'm wearing sandals though, standing in the parking lot of the exclusive prep school my kids attend, warming my feet in the exhaust of my diesel Mercedes....  
  "why can't you keep a man?" asked blonde. "i introduce you to nice guys and you dump them."  red looked indignant. "when you set me up with Rico, you didn't tell me the boy had no teeth!"   now blonde looked equally indignant. "He had a tooth!"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Not mine, but a friend's One night in my friend's father's distant past, while working a midnight shift at a convienience store, a car pulls into the lot faster than you've ever seen someone pull in, crashes into a wall, and then man jumps out of the car and climbs over the wall.  A squad car pulls in after him, and the policeman pursues the escapee over the wall.  Guy 1, now on the ground on the other side of the wall, pulls a .22 pistol as he sees the cop climbing over the wall, and fires, hitting the policeman between the eyes.  It bounced  Not ricocheted, bounced....  The cop proceeds to pull his baton and beat the guy senseless with it, untill, as I'm told, broken and blue.  The moral of this story.  "If you're going to try to kill someone, make absolutely certain that you do."  
  With my sister in a bar in a famous southeastern college town.  It's not a ferns 'n' brass bar.  It's the kind of place where you can play darts, lounge on red Naugahyde couches, eat free popcorn made by a machine that's never been cleaned, & chomp on free roasted peanuts whose shells you then throw on the floor.  My sister has never been here before.  She orders a Zima.  The bartender laughs. He suggests she go elsewhere.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  out of the corner of my eye I saw the bus drive off as the 80 year old guy staggered toward it gesticulating wildly.  I swung the car in a U-ey and told the guy to jump in.  We took off and I caught the bus at the next stop. I swung the car diagonally in front of the bus and the driver started leaning on the horn like crazy..  the old guy got out and harangued him for a good while then I drove off and let him go. Yes indeed - fuck you.  
  I'm in a bar drinking and having dinner with a few friends wheile we are waiting for Mary Prankster to come on and play her set. As converstions tend to go with us, we ended up on the topic of sex.   Haveing had a few at this point and being the boisterious people we are we were toasting each other and toasting sex and what have you.  Then the music stops and the bar goes silent just as my friend yells his toast "Here's to Blowjobs!!"  It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The next song starts and everyone goes back to talking. I damn near fell out of my seat laughing.  In retrospect, I'm pretty disapointed the bar didn't break out into laughter or clapping. I mean -EVERYONE- likes blowjobs.  
  while checking the ladies rooms at the movie theatre i work at i found two empty cans of miller lite on the back of a toilet. apparently the concession stand doesnt offer the right refreshments for her taste.  
  I colored my hair with rinse-out gel which hardly worked, except now I've got neon-orange dandruff.         
  Hey whoever posted that thing about writing "Happy Easter Black Bastard" on a dollar?  I did it cause i thought it was funny, and used the dollar to buy cigarettes at 11:30 while drunk at a gas station.    The clerk was Indian or Pakistani, looks at it and says "happy, easter black bastard? ok"     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've known him for years.  One of those kids you know just from being a smoker..you know...u see each other outside class and chat sometimes I should know his name...but I cant remember it. And hes HOT and im now single and we exchanged numbers. Dammit who do I ask for if I call?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sharing a house with a guy who was a real pisshead. He would come regularly come drunk & when he was drunk He got really hungary .One night he came back with one of those giant family size pizzas.You know the type, the ones you a pickup truck to transport. He proceeded to devour the pizza and actually finished it before passing out on the sofa. The empty  carton was in his lap & pizza debris all over his face & shirtfront.I decided to teach him a lesson. I got a couple of toilet rolls & bit great chunks out of them . I then doused them liberally with tomato sauce (ketchup)and left the reamins on the pizza tray.He came to the next morning before the rest of the house was up. He was so embarrassed that he did not come home drunk for at least a week .  
  I plan to use my (enforced by guilt) visit home constructively, teaching all my preschool nieces and nephews how to curse fluently. I'll make sure to include the instruction "only say these magic words in church". I'll be miles and miles away by then.  
  I went to a Unitarian wedding.   My ex-girlfriend* was getting hitched.  Nice people. They liked me even when I told the same joke to all of them:  Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's witness?  A: Somebody who knocks on your door for no particular reason.  *For compulsive clickers, it was the one with "no tits"  
  So me and my girlfriend were in bed sorta cuddling. She'd just gotten out of the shower a few minutes before and just had on her robe and nothing else. Me, I was just wearing some sweatpants and a tee shirt.   We get the bright idea that she can just straddle over my hips, tuck her robe around us, and pull out Mr. Willy and let him burrow on in. Well, we get all into posistion and he starts burrowing away, so to speak. We left the bedroom door wide-open. It made it all a little more arousing in a way.  Suddenly, her mom comes walking in, plops down on the bed beside the bothof us and just starts talking. Now, Mr. Willy is all nestled up inside her and we both just kind of look at each other in a startled way, not moving an inch save for answering her mom's questions, and such.   Lucky for us her mom closes the door behind her as she leaves and we roll over and just get after it like a couple of rabbits on speed. Neither of us really like condoms, so we've got this tactic of 'extraction before ejaculation' .... well.. just as I'm about ready to blow my wad I withdraw and just errupt. I blow my stuff all over her stomach, breasts, and it rockets so far it even squirts up into her hair, and on her face.   Having her mom walk in must have really gotten me excited. Go figure....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today, my partner for a project said to me, 'This department needs more scat'. And then he proceeded to sing a short verse of meaningless syllables. I just sat there and thought if I should try to explain the double meaning to him or just sit there and pretend I didn't know him  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Most people know what a dutch oven is. Farting under the sheets and trapping your girl below to 'inhale the perfume' is a time-honour practice. However, far fewer are aware of its little bastard cousin, the dutch pillow.  To prepare a dutch pillow, consume mass quantities of gas-producing foods. Once a suitable cloud of foul stench has been brewed, grab your woman's bed pillow. Now seat yourself on the pillow and, as you release your noxious fumes, stand up slowly, allowing the pillow to 'inhale' and trap the odour within. Gently replace the pillow. When your girl lays down to sleep, the weight of hre head will force the pillow to exhale, enveloping her in your stinky fart. It's like a timebomb of stinky goodness. Enjoy.  
   Porn Store Entry #3219847.a   Some guy just returned a video he rented yesterday and asked for a free rental in exchange. Why, I ask? Because it turns out he already owns a copy.  
  First presentation of the year for English class.  Forgot half my lines, stuttered from start to finish, said "um" 17 kajillion times, made no eye contact.  I got 95%.  Why?  The English teacher could see down my shirt.  
  This one time, I was thinking about girls. Then I started thinking about tits. And then the concept that every girl had tits which for the most part were always great just boggled my mind.  Then my brain turned back on and I went to school.  
  So yeah, I went to pick up the quarter, but it turns out they had glued it to the ground, and before I could get up again they bashed my head in with a sledgehammer and stole my wallet, but I only had twenty-four cents in the change pouch, so HAHA, they lost money on the deal.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         who else thinks that FOX, given the chance, would air the crucifixion of jesus christ?  
  Are you an idiot?  Worked at a convenience store (pre req for real white trash) for a while.  How many times a day - dude (or chick) pulls up, pumps before paying - meticulously squeeze off a few last drops just to get the dollar amount to exactly $10 or exactly $5 you get it.  Then they come in to buy 1.09 worth of coffee, 3.48 worth of smokes, gatorate mountain dew fritos for gods sake whatever.    Total comes to $13.48 and there is a second of registration on their face of  oh it didn't come to an exact dollar amount  .  Did you do this today?  Don't lie.  
  I once drank a pint of my own piss for fifty pounds.  
  The best wedding I have ever attended would have to be my cousin's. I honestly don't know the man, so no hard feelings. He was marrying some fat bitch who had done nothing less than rob her fiance of his very last ounce of manhood. The day of the wedding, I'm sitting with my boyfriend and a cousin in the third row next the aisle. The bride made her way to the alter and stood waiting for the groom. We waited fifteen damn minutes. Then at long last here comes my cousin, held up by two unknown family members, dragging his pale ass down the aisle. We had no idea what to do. I was trying my damndest not to laugh when my boyfriend looks at me and says, "Is there any worse time to get aroused?" So I assumed he meant my cousin, until he directed my attention to the giant hard on that was pressing against his pants. I walked out then and there, crying. Not sure why, but it made one hell of a video tape!  
  It IS a game of tag.  I promise.  Bitch.    
  i was over at a friend's house watching cartoons. the acme hour to be specific. one came on about a football game and it kept switching between the game and then this little kid in the stands. the kid had an ice cream cone and the man next to him kept licking it while the kid was distracted. it went back to the game and the time was running out and the game was tied. then there is a gunshot and the announcer says that shot means its the end of the game. then it shows the kid with a gun in his hand smiling and the man lying on the ground.  my friend and i look at each other shocked and he says "now where was the parental advisory for that one?"  
  God bless the BBC.  Tonight on BBC 4:  Casa de Butts  Adam Glasser reckons he's just an average guy. A single dad, living in LA and working with his mum and cousin in the family business. But Glasser's alter-ego is a certain Seymore Butts ('the Ass Master'), his thriving career is as producer and director (and occasional performer) in California's pornographic film industry.   Porn: A Family Business is a ten-part documentary series chronicling life in the adult entertainment industry in all its glorious naked truth. In tonight's episode, the cameras go behind the scenes of Seymore's newest extravaganza.    I just may watch.  
  i guess i was pretty young. my parents were talking about the grocery list. my mom added "douche thing". so i asked her what it was and she didn't answer. later in the checkout line i asked again, "what's a douche thing?". people looked. she still didn't answer.  
  talest of a valet #1  one night at a wedding in napa, ca at one of hundreds of winerys in the area, an old man and his middle aged wife with obvious breat implants come out to get their cars.  they are arguing over something incredibly stupid (she was beyond drunk), i dont remember, maybe becuause i was staring at her fake breasts very diligently.   the car pulled up and i rushed to get her door so i could look at her boobs some more.  she reached to adjust her top and instead of pulling it up, she pulled it down and didnt realize it for maybe 10 seconds.  wow, her tits were very nice!  i couldnt help but not stare at them.  as they drove off, i looked at the guy who got the car, he was smiling with a big grin cause he saw it too.    that was my FIRST boob shot as a valet, quite memorable.  more stories to come  
  I was about 6 years old. It was Saturday afternoon.....aunts, uncles and cousins are all over our house.  We are in the basement, making "soup" out of Play-dough, and other various items. Thinking that it would be an appropriate addition to the soup recipe, I cut off 4 or 5 handfulls of hair and add them to the soup.  None of us thought anything of it. When I walked up into the living room where all the adults were, I was met by wide-eyed stares and silence.  You see, The next day was one of my older cousins weddings.  I  was the ring-boy. My mother smacked the shit out of me right there on the spot.    
  Nothing quite like pulling around the drive-thru at Wendy's and seeing the girl at Window #1 digging for gold.....knuckle deep.  MH couldn't have been more right in saying, "Just keep on driving....."  
  I'm having a really shitty day.  Not just is it bad overall, but I seem to have lost my funny bone.  Usually I get 2 to 3 really good quips in per day, but today there was nothing.                    Absolutely nothing.  I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'll probably end up quoting lowbrow tomorrow and everyone will think I'm funny again.   
  Internet Dating (a true story)  so i had put up a personal ad (and being the cheap bastard i am, i didn't pay for any credits to email anyone)....eventually i get some responses, and one of them intrigues me....so we email back and forth for a while and eventually she sends me some pics  glamour shots  jesus, who sends glamour shots first?  needless to say, there was much doubt regarding whether the woman in the picture was actually the woman i was emailing  then another thought hit me....  is it a woman?  so we talk on the phone (it IS a woman....whew!) and decide to have our first date....it went well, she was very attractive, we had a good time, good conversation.....  so for our second date, we go out to dinner and go to her friends place for drinks, later that night she tells me....  "stay here tonight, my friend said we could sleep in the spare bedroom"  sleep?  "i can't....i want to, but i can't, i have to get home to the dog....why don't you come back to my place?"  "ok".....(sweet)  so, on the way to my place, the plan is to let the dog out, then go downtown to the 24 sex shop so she can buy her favorite massage oil....  she wanted to give me a massage (sweet, sweet)  she comes out of the shop with a paper bag, opens it and reveals the massage oil, then pulls out a penthouse letters magazine  "i wanted to read you a bedtime story".....(oh sweet, sweet jesus)  back at my place, lights out, music on, and candles burning, she begins giving me a massage  my top comes off....  her top comes off....  she rubs massage oil all over her humongous tits (or rather, as she referred to them, her "molten globes of saline")....  she gives me some head, but i cut her short, not wanting to waste the moment, and tell her i want to reciprocate....lay her down on the couch, throwing the paper bag out of the way....  take off her pants....  her panties....  then slide up to give her a kiss  "god, you're making me hot" she says....  then, at that moment, as she said that, off to my right, in my peripheral vision, i can see the room brighten  *thinking*...."yeah, its gettin' hot alright"  then turn to look....  the paper bag i had thrown off the couch from before, had rested next to the candle and had ignited....  i now have 3 foot flames rising off my coffee table at 4 o'clock in the morning  "OH SHIT!"  so, completely naked, with a raging hard on, i jump off the couch  i can see that only one side of the bag is on fire, the other side had yet to catch....  so i thought i could just grab the bag and snuff it out in my hands....  didn't think about the massage oil all over my hands though....  the words "searing" and "flesh" instantaneously flash into my brain as i grab the bag and immediately toss it up and away from me  so, now, i'm completely naked, my cock is flailing about, bits of flaming paper and ash are raining down around us, and i'm juggling a flaming paper bag with oily hands....at 4 AM  eventually, i get it into the kitchen and dump some water on it....it goes out....no sooner had it gone out, when the smoke alarm starts ringing in my apartment...."oh jesus, no"  i rip the alarm off the wall and pull out the battery.....i fall to my hands and knees, well, elbows and knees (i have 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my hands at this point) and begin laughing....  the first thing she says....  "so, when i said you were making me hot...."  then  "did that just totally kill the mood?"  "nah, no, NO....you can't top this shit!"  so, with blisters all over my hands, we continue where we left off, i didn't skip a beat...  although its really hard to have sex when you have to prop yourself up on your elbows, but it had to be done....  there was no way i was going to end up like that guy in the PG-13 movie that everybody's really hoping that it's going to happen for him....  no fucking way  
  Me : I'm a man damnit! I fart, swear, scratch, watch sports and drink beer. I'm not going to put on this act and be one of those abercrombie poster boys with ripped abs and a $100 haircut. I'm a poor geek with a gut and student loans out the ass. Now if you'll excuse me i'm going to finish my beer, smoke a ciggerete, tak a shit and go to bed.  Her: Ick!  
    To me women feel like jellyfish molded to some sort of flimsy skeletal frame, perhaps made out of thin sapling branches, then all wrapped in silk.    I know it sounds like the surrealistic thoughts of a febrile two year old, but can you think of a better one?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was twelve , or so, and visiting my aunt Cindy. She lived in a "transitional' neighborhood. (That is just a fancy way of saying Oakieville.) Anyway, my three year old cousin and I were sitting on the sofa watching television when there was a knock at the door. Stephanie, my cousin, opened the front door. There was a man standing there with a crazed grin on his face and he was holding the axe from the front yard wood pile. Stephanie was unimpressed. "What?" she asked him. I bolted from the sofa and ran through the kitchen to the back door. "There's a psycho in the house with an axe!" I screamed to my aunt while I fumbled with the THREE locks on the back door. "What?" She asked. "There's a PSYCHO in the house with an AXE!" I screamed louder, now trying desperately to break down the door by running against it with my 112 LBS. "What are you talking about?" She asked. I started crying and I broke the window with a boot that was on the floor. Just as I started climbing out the window I turned around and saw my aunt, my cousin, and the psycho with an axe standing in the room staring at me dumbfounded. He was the neighbor. His name was Melvin.He thought my aunt would answer the door and find it funny. "Oh shit," Melvin said. "You're gonna pay for that," my aunt told me. They all laughed at me for days, and days, and days.   
  Today is one of those days that I cannot wait for work to end.  One of those days that I look forward to that cold one that's waiting at home for me.  And with any luck, she'll be holding a beer...   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Once I was eating chinese food in a takeout box with a plastic fork.  General Tso Chicken and Pork Fried Rice.  In a styrophoam clamshell box-arrangement.  I was drinking mountain dew, and so i had to go pee really bad.  I had the chinese food in my right hand, fork and a pen in left.  I unzipped my pants with the left hand, pulled it out and started whizzing.  My left hand was still around my crotch, holding my wang.  I seemed to have urinated all over the fork and the pen.  I shrugged and continued to eat the chinese food.  
  my nose has been kind of phlemmy lately, this being the cold season, but i decided to tough an afternoon at the neighbors house without a tissue.  the kids were making jokes, and the little three year old cracked out some piece of shit, but to be nice i tried to laugh really hard.  out came an awfully large clump of snot which landed on his forehead.  i said nothing, and nobody saw it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one night I went out to a local dance club here in downtown gainesville florida and met a trampy little girl named Mary -Ellen.  She was eppileptic.  Needless to say, I was able to convice the bimbet to come home with me.  As we proceeded to consumate our love, it became readily apparent that I was far too inebriated to achieve a full erection, so I grabbed a bud light bottle next to my bed and had mary ellen to stuff the bottle into my ass and into the innards of my penis to simulate the erection.  It hurt the next day, but what the fuck.  I got some pussy and you didnt.  Haha.  The real pisser is that I drank that beer the next day. Aint life a bitch?         
  Kind of like the time I was up to bat in 11th grade gym and swinging the aluminum bat menacingly at our pedophile gym teacher who was pitching (are they all pedophiles?) anyway I struck the home plate with the bat which was just a rubber square - the bat bounced, rocketing back up and striking me in the forehead.  Holy Jesus God somehow I did not faint.    The whole class laughed thinking I was  pretending   - waving my arms around and stumbling for balance.  When my vision returned I hit a triple.  
  I have now been to a couples party. It's like a tupperware party, yet, it involves sex toys and the like. i 've heard it described as a fuckerware party  Normally, I'm very antisocial. I hate people. I'd rather chew my own fingers off than deal w/ people. But I must say the party wasn't bad  I learned of a new disease (one woman--she's 26--ALWAYS has her period. Everday. ALL month long). I learned just how open as a society we are now.  The most important thing I learned was that when I hit my 40's, I'm not going to talk dirty and perverted in front of people half my age. I don't care how I look, I shall not do it since I know 1st hand the suffering it may cause  You can thank me in 17 years when I turn 40  
  I hate how question/answer game show hosts are always so smug.  Let's see you do so well without those fucking answer cards in your hands bastard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in highschool, my friends and I wouldn't have shit to do.  So one night we all went to the 24 hour grocery store and we bought the 10 pound can of navy beans.  Because there is no real use for navy beans and no one really likes them.  Except the Navy maybe.  And then we'd leave the can on somene's doorstep complete with a bow and card.  It was loads of fun.  
  Got in the car at midnight Sunday, was in Birmingham Alabama by 11 AM. Wanted to get my hair cut at a racist barbershop, because you know, every Mississippi Burning kinda flick has the racist barbershop where it all goes down. To my dismay the town was liberal. They even had a free socialist 'zine in a newspaper dispenser. So I sent out some black and white post cards sporting white people with hair slicked in parts and old cars and household appliances to maintain the "good old boy" myth for the friends at home.  Spent 10 minutes in Atlanta: enough to get out pee, and take pictures of graffiti, then the long road back. 2 AM Tuesday we returned, I felt like a drifter forever. I smelled like sh_t (no AC), my eyes hurt (*BAD* sleep), and the yellow visor on my head that read "Alabama" (acquired at the "official Alabama headquarters" dedicated to the full-bearded heartthrob band) was too tight. Bed was amazing. Round 2. Who's coming with me?  
  the last time I found money on the ground I struggled with the morality of spending it while knowing that it had belonged to someone else who may have really needed it at the time, but I did all the same.  Well, it wasn't really 'on the ground' per se, unless I would have tipped her nightstand over  
  so i'm up ALL NIGHT studying.  Get caught up from skipping classes to take a long weekend.  For once i'm awake more than 15 minutes before class (Yeah - try 26 hours) And so i wander into the physical science building about 15 minutes early for my 8:00. Sit down on the floor in the hall to wait. Fall asleep. For 2 hours.  Missed 2 classes and woke up when a man tripped on my sandaled foot, which was flung out into the middle of the crowded hall.  Embarassed? Not really. I think people felt sorry for me, because we've all been there.  But you would think that my lab partner would have woken me up when she walked by.   
  She was a model, a friend, and barely 17. I was much older.  I was driving us to the Coolio concert.  "I hate panty lines, especially in short skirts," she said.  "Try a g-string," I suggested.  "My mother won't let me wear them around her," she said.  Suddenly, her feet were on the dashboard.  "Don't look!" she giggled.  "Are you changing into a g-string? Right here?" I asked, incredulous.  "No...I'm taking them off altogether. Don't look!" she giggled, and tossed her panties into the ashtray.  I didn't even look.      
  I've had to restrain myself lately.  I've been smoking an awful lot of dope lately. However, that's not what I've had to restrain myself from doing. I've recently grown a moustache and beard, and I can't stop stroking my moustache and messing with it. It feels weird. I was on my way to having a new and annoying nervous gesture. So, since around 7pm yesterday, I've forbidden myself to stroke my "stash." And it's worked. I haven't messed wth it. If I can keep this up, I should be able to erase the act from my unconscious tics and gestures list.  Thank the impersonal heavens that I actually seem to have some control over myself.  
  I always thought that bellybutton lint was just something people made to gross others out, until my senior year of high school when I was changing. Wow, puberty just never quits huh?  
  She told me I was thiner and shorter than any man she's been with and the only one with facial hair. I told her she's the first white girl I've had in a decade.  She seems a little nervous.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he said so i hadda take forty hours on the couch to get trua class on counseling and it sucked but taught me a world of shit she calls me up the other day and says that if i want us to be togetha we hafta see her shrink tamorra like i didnt think we hadda problem really except that after she got her hooks in she didnt really like what she caught and fuck it if it doesnt work so we sit down in a shitty office with shitty sexual suggestive paintings and shitty chairs and stuff and the woman shrink who has obviously taken sides from the getgo starts with the pointed questions about why am i so fucked up i was ripshit i started to criticize her method explaining to my will soon be ex girlfirend the rationale and consequences of such a one sided attack and then began to weave questions about why the shrink feels the need to exact revenge upon males and autoassume they are always wrong the end of the show was the best  the shrink told me to come back and explore these problems and i told her only if shes buying and get this she said we could meet for free like does the woman have any ethics at all with regard to client shrink relationship or whatthefuck my girlfriend was instantly incensed as she pays a buck twenty five an hour for that garbledbullshit i told them both they should be ashamed of themselves and walked out of the office with the guilt dripping from their faces it was great exclam i think everyone should take psych just so you dont get fucked with the diatribe went something like that and i could not agree with him more   watch out all you regularmutherfuckers asshole with phds are trying to use you and tell you you are fucked up and need zoloft and just cant live without their unfathomable wisdom      
  It is impossible to feel inconspicuous going through the checkout with a pair of dishwashing gloves (extra-large) and a 36 pack of condoms. I've tried.  The same applies to buying a toilet plunger at 3 AM. During the day, purchasing a plunger can seem normal. But at 3 AM, the act carries with it a certain immediacy.  
  i shared a lowbrow moment with my co-worker via email:  "once i was eating a ham sandwitch and someone told a joke and i laughed so hard that ham came out through my nose."  he emails me back with this reply: "ewww....that must have hurt.  I used to eat my boogers when I was little....I still remember what they taste like (really salty).  I liked the little crunchy ones."  you know, him telling me he ate his boogers was one thing... but him telling me he liked the crunchy ones is another...  
  I once met a beautiful Irish girl during a Celtic music festival. She bought me Guinness!  The last thing she said to me before we parted was, "I'd fook yah, but my husband would kell us both."  It might have been worth it.        
  Yelling at the asshole who had dared to sneak up and kiss my girlfriend.  Smelling urine and looking down at the large, spreading stain on his pants.  Victory.  And none of it mattered, since she broke up with me a month later anyway.  
  Until that moment she was glowing, laughing, flirting, and full of life. I was totally shocked when the bartender walked up behind her, jammed his hand down the back of her pants, and started mauling her backside with his huge hand working toward her crotch. I watched the horror cross her face as she jerked away from his drunken attack and headed over to her friends for support.  She was met with giggles and patts on the head.  Thirty seconds later she was laughing but the fear was still there and it persisted for another twenty minutes.  The pale never left her cheeks.  She left, finally, alone and in tears brushing past me hurriedly as she bolted for the door.  
  it's 8am. i'm tired, and so is everyone else in the room. every one of us just put in a 12 hour night shift, and our boss is expecting us to pay attention to him, instead of daydreaming of pillows.       we keep looking at each other, throwing "can you believe this shit?!" glances at each other in an unsuccessful attempt to keep ourselves awake.       the part that made *my* ears perk up was, "...no raises this year. i know, i know! i'm sorry! it just can't happen, it's just not in our budget! HOWEVER, if you do come to work on payday, which is every other thursday, between the hours of 8-11 am, the CEO of the company will hand you your paychecks PERSONALLY....and give you a free cookie!"        
  I want to meet a girl who I'll respect and love.  But I also want to score with some good-looking tramp with low self-esteem and a huge sex drive who I can fuck without any attachment being formed.  Damn - I can't have both... and I probably won't get either.  Thank God for the internet.  
  You asked why. Okay, I'll tell you. You remember how you used to have to go to school with crude, violent little boys (mostly)everybody was scared of? Whether you avoided them, fought them or joined them, you couldn't ignore them, and it ruined your whole life. They were fucked up, heartless little balls of shit, weren't they?  They pushed everyone around, tortured animals and laughed about it, etc. They almost NEVER got caught, and when they did, all they weren't really punished. They deserved to be beaten bloody and have their hair yanked out by the kids they tormented, but nothing happened. They deserved to be run over by a truck til their spines snapped and their guts squished out so all the decent kids could feel safe again, but instead they got off easy, and nobody felt safe.  You thought everybody grew up after a while, right?  The biggest sin existing is bullying, and the greatest crime comes from how the adult world secretly and not so secretly protects these same bullies, now older, because they are still too SCARED to CROSS these lying, cheating, stealing, disruptive, brutalizing harmers of bodies, the dangerous  fucking  monsters. Your parent/s won't tell you, but 98% of adult life revolves around which bully you choose to back. Not *if* you choose, but which one. Your paycheck depends upon it.  Do you think a person makes a comfortable living doing honest work? Nobody pays you jack for that! The BUCKS only come from whoring for bullies, protecting their interests, and convincing decent people to kiss their collective ass. And when you kiss, you'd better fake it with all you've got OR ELSE! You couldn't escape them in school and you can't escape them in adult life. They own everything, they run everything, they spy on  anyone who threatens or crosses them and ruin them. They are EXPERTS. So when you wonder why so many ugly rotten violent things are the way they are, it's because everybody's at a loss about what to do when the price of decency, rationality and justice is usually your life, and a fortune's to be made from looking the other way. Children are simultaneously taught from tender ages that bullying is wrong AND to get used to violence, as its instigator or its victim. Is there a single thing you've been told in your whole life that didn't boil down to "shut up and stop complaining", usually about somebody BIGGER AND MEANER doing something you'd always heard was wrong? This is the contradiction, and it touches every part of our lives. Bullying and violence are not only tollerated, they are often encouraged.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was addicted to a pizza place around the corner from me here in manhattan.  i ate there for lunch yesterday.  about 10 pm, i walked by to grab another slice while i was studying.  it was closed by the commissioner of health.  my stomach don't feel so good.  
  This last summer I was staying at my girlfriend's cabin. Her dad had been sick for a couple of days and one night while we were eating at the dinner table he got up to take a shit. Because the cabin was still being built they only had curtins for doors and sound came through very easily. So we were sitting there trying to eat while her dad was sitting on the pot with some shotgun-shit. Even after blasting the radio in the bathroom and turning on the bath water the sound of his grunts and excretions still rung through the cabin.   
  Ever wonder why so many loud, overly-bassed stereo'd cars have their tires vandalized? So does my neighbor.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if you ever turn down sex with a cute girl because of things like morals or guilt or ethics or lack of confidence or any of that shit (or just about any other reason known to man), you'll hate yourself the next time you feel horny. trust me. i tell you, when i die, i better have scored some huge bonus points with heaven or i'm gonna be pissed...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The 17 year-old behind the counter of the Sears Auto Center slowly looks me up & down. Oh, this is going to be fun... "I need a battery for a 1967 Camaro. I'm in the computer, under S____. Yep, right there." I lean over the counter and point to the screen. The list under that last name also lists a 1967 Chevelle. I thin veil of sweat appears on his upper lip. "Follow me, please." Maybe I should just follow your raging hard-on instead, kid. I guess a twenty-something chick with two 60s muscle cars is prime masturbation material for a teenager who works at Sears. "Can I ride your stickshift, big boy?"  
  So I have always loved math (there's a great start to any lowbrow moment).  I work as a math tutor.    I spend my free time doing calculus problems...  One day I went to get a coke on my break while working at the math lab and saw a squirrel hopping by...  I suddenly shouted "Oh wow!  That looks exactly like the graph of f(x)=|sinx| and f(x)=|cosx|  [the function y of x equals the absolute value of the sine and cosine (respectively) of the variable x]!!!!"   I am officially a math nerd.       And yet I am a biology major.   I must say, however, that I am better off than one of my coworkers who one day suggested "recreational" behavior to his girlfriend using calculus.  "Hey baby... let's integrate!"  Worse... she understood and was game.  
   Examing the contents of my  land-yaught's trunk:  spare tire jack tool box road flares syphon pump exhaust pipe tent bedroll duffel bag with fatigues and underwear wood mall hatchet pick shovel machete etc.   I begin to long for the days when I had good reason to keep all this shit back there.  
  One of the happiest times of my life.  First night in my first apartment after graduation and beginning my first job...before I did the damnfool thing of getting married at 24.   1 bedroom, 11th floor of a Plaza highrise...only the penthouse was higher. Only $400 a month.   I turned out the lights, poured a black jack   neat and looked out of my back window as the police helicopter circled the building on the next street over trying to locate the burglary suspects.  Last time I ever felt truly peaceful.    
  The persons involved: My (up till this time cool) next door neighbor. Myself. His Mother-In-Law.  The Issue: Her parking in such a way that 1/3 of my driveway was blocked.  My first response: "Ma'am, could you please move so the driveway isn't blocked?"  The response: Squeeling tires from her, cursing, etc. etc. etc.  The follow up: He says a buynch of crap to me.  My next response: At 3AM, taking a BIG wet crap on his windshield and hood.  bastard.  
  "I only smoke in bars." she said deftly tapping a cigarette out of hissoft-pack.  "I feel like I need to smoke, it's part of being in a bar."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         well, I was mowing my lawn with my new craftsman weed wacker x2000 g2 50000 rpm.  my vagina was spurting love nectrine between my crevasse which helped in fertilization processes. there was a little taco eating mexicano andale mama ea ea. I chased the little fuck for two miles when finally I caught up to him. my weed wacker flailed his naked body until his testicals got caught in the gears of my craftsman weed wacker x2000 g2 50000 rpm's. I brought up the gear ratio to 5:1 for more torque, causing his testicular fluid to squirt in my mouth. unghghahaaa,I savored the flavor which reminded me of A1 steak sauce. uinghahaaa. there was now quite a mess of vaginal discharges in my panties. damn, craftsman makes one hell of a weed wacker.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend was explaining to me about something he had done in hawaii, when out of the middle of nowhere comes: "You know, I took a picture of my shit once, in hawaii, and they didn't develop it!" Oh, damn, what a pity.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         is it that my life is filled with lowbrow moments or that my lowbrow life is filled with moments or that my lowbrow moments are the only part that are filled with life i cant remember         
  It was a dark cold night in College Station, Texas.  We were at the Jack in the Box off of Texas across from Best Western.  There she was in all of her glory, smoking a cigarette as if she didn't have a care in the world.  She changed my life from that point on.  That moment was a milestone in my lifetime.  There is life before this moment and life after it.  I tried to open my mouth to speak to her, but the words would not come out for I was in total awe of the moment my friends and I had shared with her.  I haven't seen her since that night a few years ago, but I think about her all the time.  She was the black midget with the eye-patch smoking outside of the Jack in the Box in College Station.  
  I always wanted to see Taxi Driver.  We were at the movie store, and that's what we picked up.  When we got back, her mom wasn't home, we turn out the lights...  I still want to see Taxi Driver.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A buddy of mine stayed at my house one night cause his mom kicked him out.  The following morning my father came to the bottom of my stairs and started barking orders at me and my friend. I'm a bastard in the morning if I'm rudely woken up and as me and my friend were walkin to the top of my stairs I was yellin at my father that I knew what I had to do that day, chores and such.  I sleep in my boxers and the boxers I had on that morning just had a slit in the front, no way to keep em closed.  I was yellin an my father "I KNOW! I KNOW!" and just then my dick flopped out.  I don't think my buddy has ever really stopped laughing about that.   
  $160 per month. That's what I spend on smokes. "I gotta quit", I thought.  But then I remembered:  1) I don't go anywhere. 2) I don't do the beauty shop thing. 3) I don't have sex.  $160 is not bad.  
  While talking to my boyfriend about my smoking habits, he said, "Dont you think you've been doing it quite alot lately?"  I replied, "No, until tonight, I hadnt smoked since Sunday..."   "I hate to tell you this, but its only Monday!"    DAM...I just realized that    
  So I had to do laundry, it was not a must, but i had run out of the socks i like. my supply of t-shirts was also running low. everytime i would go to put a load in the washer, it would be taken up, and then i would have to go somewhere, and by the time i got back it would be too late. so i was walking by the bookstore, and i noticed they were having a school t-shirt sale. i thought, wow, instead of doing laundry maybe i can find a shirt, so i did, and proceeded to wear sandals and my new shirt the next day. that was so much easier than doing laundry.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother's an idoit.   "He put his finger in the cigarette lighter of my mom's car to see what would happen.    (Keep in mind he was 18 at the time, he's supposed to be a bit more intelligent than a chimp on crack.)    He got third degree burns on his finger because his reaction time obviously matches his IQ. They should outlaw people like him from mating." Saw this post... Immediately thought back to a day when I was 18, waiting for my sister in the car... wondered just how long it took the cigarette lighter to heat up... Dammit.  Chimp on crack.    
  My mum makes me put away the dishes. Really not a big deal, but I still piss and moan about it. And if I wait so long to put them away I have to load the dirty dishes. Yuck. So I'm about to go to bed and I haven't done the damn dishes yet so either I'm gonna be woken up early in the morning to do them or I'm gonna have to Load em tomorrow. Neither sounds to appealing, so there I am at 2:30 in the goddamn morning putting dishes away. I never realized how loud of a job it is.   
  If you shake up a can of soda, place it on the ground, and hit it with a driver, the bottom of the can won't move an inch.   The soda, however, will fly all over Jay.  
        4am, I wake up beause the thunderstorm outside is raining in my window on me, all wet, at first I thought I'd pissed myself!  
   Like Father, Like Son  He's eighteen months old, we're at the mall, and he goes postal on me. People turn their heads, smile and look sympathetic, but keep walking. Nothing else working, so I pick him up, tuck him under one arm, and head for the exit. He:  "Help! Help!"  People stop dead. There are maybe 100 eyes staring at us, alarmed. Some of the more impulsive start moving towards us. We collapse in a heap, giggling ourselves silly. That's my boy.  
  They are looking for the fat gene, the smart gene even the evil gene. What about the "nice guy" gene? You know the one that keeps us nice guys from find getting the girl we want but always being the best friend who they come to when the mean guys make her cry  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She was gorgeous.  She was smart.  She had a good sense of humour.  She was going to be a freakin doctor.  But she danced like a 12 year old at a 6th grade dance.  
  Riding in the car with B. B is truly ghetto and proud of it. We were listening to the Hip-hop/R&B station, when "Gone" came on.  "Man, this song is my jam. What group is it?"  "That's N'Sync, man."  "What?! Don't play with me man."  "I'm not kidding. That's N'Sync"  Now he has the CD. He hides it under his bed with his porn.  
  at thirteen i realized after a full on hands off the handle bar race that ended in a horrible summertime pavement cartwheel crash into a parked car that if i pulled my face off the searing tar  that the pain would be unbearable rip it was        
  there's this spot on my desk, a little spill of coffee that was mixed with a little too much sugar . . . it's been there for a while and it hardened like glass . . . everyonce in a while i polish it up to remove the scuffs and scratches that so many piles of paper and books have put in it . . . i guess it would be pretty easy to grab the windex and clean it up, but what then would i have to look at on my desk?       
  Answer: Taking a dump while chatting online.  Question:  Wow, what else can I do with a wireless lan and a laptop?  
  As I rush to the bathroom, I wonder how my shit will come out. I drop my pants, and lift the seat, and have projectile diareaha strait down into the toilet. Right as I sit, I notice a bit of shit w/ water splash up, out past my balls, and onto my pants.  That reminds me, I need to wash those.  
  You know your life's more than a bit odd when you're sitting at your computer at 1:30AM, in pantyhose, refreshing lowbrow and listening to a friend tell you she thinks you look like Russel Crowe.  Wheeeee! ^_^  
  I had a boyfriend once, and he had an old Dodge Dart that he drove sometimes.  It was absolutely gorgeous, it smelled amazing and purred like a kitten.  Or maybe an older cat, but it still sounded damn good.  The one time I got to ride in the Dart, we took a drive down a few expressways and boulevards late at night, and I gave him some very enthusiastic and attentive road head.  It was so hot.  He took me back to my apartment and fucked the shit out of me.  It ruled, it really did.  The fact that this guy was so goddamn hot, and such a good lay, combined with the fact that I never really got over him, leaves me with this result:  every time I see a Dart, I get super horny and all I can think about for a good hour or so is sucking my ex's cock.    It's starting to get really, really annoying.  
   wet t-shirt?   we had just gotten done playing a game of capture the flag. my first time. i win the game for us, bring the flag over the line. shirts vs shirtless and the shirts win. we're all sticky with sweat, needing water. me, sam and maxy run back to ben's house. chug the rest of what's in the bottles of soda etc. fill them w/ water. carry it back. after everyone is satisfied i take the remaining water and dump it on myself. all the guys scream "wet t-shirt! wet t-shirt!" me: uhm guys? it's blue, you can't see anything.... it's sad that a wet t-shirt that they can't even see through is a highlight. thank god for them there was massive amounts nudity that night.  ~ r  
  never again i remember as a kid i was so proud of the the first time i spit my wad of chewed bazooka and it went sailing into space i was so fucking cool now as i look at the bottom of my vans and see the stingy gooey mess that attaches me to the ultrablackhottar i realize that that is the difference between children and adults as a kid its cool as an adult you can get outraged by others childishness then of course theres the fucking serves me right category still paying off an old karma i o u     
  Is there more to my life than whiskey?  Yes.  On good days, there's the glass I pour it into.  
  Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.  
  my girlfriend doesn't care if i get cum on her satin sheets, a $50 blouse, the carpet  but she gets mad if i get a few drops of piss on the toilet rim  
  i'm housesitting, and i got up to look for something in a kitchen cupboard.  i found a cheese grater instead.  i'm so fucking bored that i just stood in that kitchen and grated cheese, and i'm not even cooking anything with cheese in it.  
  quotes all around hi my names is hurl run what did he say his name was questionmark         
  One of my ex-girlfriends had been raving for weeks about NEEDING to see Hell's Belle's, an all girl AC/DC cover band that was coming to town.  She got tickets and we headed to the show.  We stopped off at a bar below the venue for some warm-up beers.  This maybe 125# girl pounds three pints in short order.  We meet some of her friends and head into the show.  She grabs a round for everyone while the opening act plays, and pounds hers.  She continues to make laps back and forth to the bar until Hell's Belles comes on.  Two songs into the show she starts to walk off.  I ask her where she's headed.  She put her hand to her head and mumbles, "Bathroom..."  I follow and help her down the stairs.  She heads into the can, and as I wait outside I can hear her "talking to the toilet".  Ten or so minutes pass and the bathroom is silent.  I didn't want to intrude in "lady land", so I tapped the next girl who was headed in:   "Excuse me, could you please check on my girlfrind in there.  I think she's probably passed out in a stall."   "She'll be the one with the t-shirt that says 'PRINCESS' on it."  The drive home was another moment in itself.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From an article about a Lawn Gisland family, the Goldsteins, who obsess so much about spelling bees that their children have been known to describe their hours of forced daily memorizing as "playing": "When J.J. was preparing for the regional bee,&nbsp;which&nbsp;she&nbsp;won&nbsp;on&nbsp;'quintessence,' she went around the house writing down the names of additives and preservatives from shampoo bottles and cereal boxes, but those aren't the kinds of words that tend to come up in the nationals. It's the words in Mona's meticclulously compiled spelling notebooks, many of them mined with silent consonants and tricky schwas, that are the ones you need to know." Bad enough, but I just  know  that the entire Goldstein family have each already called the reporter, Bruce Grierson, and his NY Times editor and copyreader, to taunt them about the misspelling of  "meticulously."  
  Galington and I tied the inflatable woman to the monofilament line and threw it out the 10th floor window.  I adjusted the tension on the Zebco baitcaster as the wind picked the inflatable woman up.    She spun around high above the street, her mouth, box, and anus agape.    We could hear sounds of outrage and disbelief from the tenants on the lower floors.  A woman shrieking in Vietnamese.  Somebody hurled a toilet plunger out of their window at it.  A desperate act indeed.  Missed.  The plunger tumbled streetward.    After a while we reeled the inflatable woman in and latched the window.  We sat silent in the darkening apartment until the police arrived.    
  Driving my American fiancee and her sister around on a tour of Scotland.  The two of them hardly look like they're the same species, forget about related.  My fiancee is quiet and reserved, and could pass for 12 years old (like in my Mystic Aquarium moment, also posted here).  Her sister has 12 different colours in her hair, black leather everywhere, and has her own punk band that sometimes plays CBGBs.  Several days into the trip, the sister says to me:  "When we first met, I didn't know what to make of you.  But now I see you're a really good guy.   You can ball me anytime ."  Confused by the unfamiliar vernacular, I asked my fiancee what her sister meant.  She told me she had no idea, and quickly went off to talk to her.  
  Me and some friends were watching tv when my friend attemps to grab a bag of chips but at the same time emptying the contents all over my new rug. So being very high and hungry we get to work by picking up every single crumb.   "This is fun." said Alec. "No Alec..... this is delicious."  
  Did you know that if you stuff a glove with used kleenex it will walk around and make clever jokes like that little hamburger helper guy?  
  I just realized, I can't wait until the day I'm old enough to fuck someone half my age without going to jail.    
  at work, in the washroom, enter a stall, see that the toilet is full of toilet paper and obviously seems to be clogged, so i flush to see if any of it will go down, nope!, toilet overflows, crap water spills everywhere, people in other stall begin to yell, i slowly turn around and leave washroom  
  I work in at my colleges switch board for extra cash.. well today was my first day... all day long I kept on getting calls for some guy named "Skip" Pound.. so one lady calls up and was like "can you hit pound" so what do I do hit the pound button on the phone!  *brings hand to forehead* IDIOT! the last time I wanted to scream!!  "TELL ME WHAT HIS FIRST NAME IS DAMMIT, WE DON'T HAVE NICKNAMES ON THIS DAMN SHEET!"  aye.. gotta love working the switchboard  
  someones been using my name why the hell would anyone wanna be me get a life never meant so much        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i woke up this morning at 6:35. i wanted to go back to sleep, but this was not an option.  so i took a bonghit and got in the shower.  
  If a squirrel was desperate and slutty, would it be fucking nuts?  Just a thought.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Listening to one of your girlfriends bitch for 45 minutes about how she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her, for the sole purpose of figuring out if she knows you're the one he's cheating with... now thats lowbrow  
  Don't you just hate it when you go to a public restroom (and you have to go real bad) and the only available toilet is the one that is plugged up with all sorts of creepy stuff.        
  Found a basketball in my front yard. Took it around back, cut a hole in it, filled it up most of the way with water, superglued the hole closed. Left it back on the front yard where I found it.  And when the kid who lost it tried to dribble it when he discovered where he'd left it, I could hearing the bitching all the way upstairs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was about nine years old, I set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn't sell many glasses, and after an hour or so, I took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the key to success is to never try.  Most important lesson I ever learned.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Long ago, a monkey stood on two feet and peered at his hands, previously relegated to poop-flinging and tree-grasping duty, and pondered the infinite possibilities.  One day, we'll realize that technology should be easing our lives, not cramming more and more into them beyond overflow.  We will free our minds of trivial activity, and be faced with a sudden frightening and limitless situation; we will be staring at the proverbial hands and wonder what else we can do with them.  When this happens, exploration will move away from the material Universe and begin looking inwards towards the light that shines inside every one of us.  The things our minds have yet to accomplish will make our present day look like a society of poop-flingers.  
  "I did it all for the nookie"...  Man...  truer word were never spoken.        
  Pictures in my starbuck s:  ---on one side is a picture of a few elephants with the caption reading  Move with the herd   On the other side of the counter another picture of some villa or something saying  find a unique place  -  --both of them in a STARBUCK S  The nearer one, on the herd side, always has this long line of people who don t realize there is another line farther on that is much shorter.  The other line on the unique side usually only has a few people or no one at all on it, even if the other line is full    the clerks are constantly saying  please step down to the next register  but hardly anyone heeds them.   The customers just don t get it.   And the starbuck's people don't realize they need a sign hanging from the ceiling that says  Second Line Forms Here  or something.     
  Hanging around the coffee stand at the mall waiting to go to work, I noticed two scruffy-looking backpackers being approached by one of the local jesusfreaks, who began to "witness" to them. They tried to politely ignore her, and when that didn't work, one asked her to leave them alone. That didn't work either. Finally the backpacker shouted, in a thick Aussie accent "Get the FUCK away from me!" The jesusfreak looked hurt and told him "No need to speak to me like that. We're all god's children, you know!" "Yeah", he replied, "and look how well it turned out for the oldest boy, huh?" She left as we all applauded.   
  something about primus we had our words a common spat so i kissed him upside the cranium with that aluminum baseball bat my name is mud  when screamed is incredibly cathartic time to look for a new job i guess  
  its jason's birthday so we go out drinking. he drinks pretty hard which impresses me, but later he's trashed and hurling all over the parking lot. as jonny drives to take him home me HL and tom are sitting in the back when tom says "this reminds me of the water log ride" im like wtf? until jason makes a barfing noise and wet stuff splashes me in the face...  oh i see what you mean tom.  
  I called home to tell my parents where I was...  "Hi, answering machine, I'm at Ms. Wendy Kirchoff's house... I don't know how I got here, I just sort of woke up here and she doesn't know who I am or how I got here either. Um, I'll try to get a cab."  It must have had something to do with the mind expanding drugs the night before...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Am I the only person who gets tired of life, and then disconnects their headphones and shuts their eyes? It's temporary suicide.  
  I want him to want me I want him to stare at every part of me I want him to masturbate mutting my name I want him to think he stands a chance I want him to come up to me and make his move.  That's when i'll walk away  
  I am a "self-educated man", for what ever that's worth.  I have studied paleantology and psychology extensively, on my own time.  The only problem is that I don't know how my opinions and interpretations measure up to the standard.  I have, however reached one certain conclusion.  The only thing Freud ever got right was "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."  Too bad my gf doesn't think so.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A week ago I wished aloud that I was slightly constipated so I could get some reading done while on the crapper.  Now it's a week later.  Be careful what you wish for. Yowza!  
  Eighth grade, I'm an assistant for one of the 7th grade history classes.  One day, a girl in the front row was wearing a skirt.  She apparently hadn't learned how to cross her legs yet, cuz I could see straight up to her lime green panties.  So, I'm looking at the 8th grade version of Nirvana, sitting behind a desk that I can hide my hands under, with 8th grade male hormones flying.  Yeah, it's kinda weird whacking off in school, but at least I didn't get caught.  
                                             She said  "Your a worthless piece of shit, you know that. No one wants you."  I put my head down. Then she guided me to the bed and fucked my brains out.    
  i regaled them with a tale of drunken woe dont blame it on the booze said she to me sometimes its not the equipment  its the operator doh         
  My girlfriend saw a take home pregnancy test in the bathroom trash at a local McDonalds. Deeply disturbing. The stories that must be behind the discarded piece of plastic. Imagine the young girl, I can only guess that she was very young, I doubt she was over 16, sitting in the bathroom stall, scared out of her wits. Maybe it was her first boyfriend, maybe it wasn't even a boyfriend at all. There was a pharmacy across the parking lot, she must have bought the test there and went right over to the bathroom in McDonalds, too scared that her parents would discover her secret if she took it home. I doubt she told the guy she'd missed her period, I can't imagine that a girl who takes her pregnancy test in the bathroom stall of a McDonalds was all that comfortable with her relationship.  My girlfriend told me that the test was negative. I wonder if the girl celebrated with one of those Shamrock Shakes? Damn, those things are tasty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Apocalyptic Kamikaze Binge. I didn't realize I had been mixing them too strong until I had to get up and puke. I collapsed halfway to the bathroom and puked and puked and puked and hoped I would drown in it. I didn't. But my hair was like a loaded paintbrush, wet and heavy, and I marked the walls with my own sickness.  No, there's really no moral to this.         
  Way back in the dawning days of my teen years I had this rather inexpeirenced girlfriend.  I mean, REALLY inexperienced.   One night we were kissing and groping and I started kissing and nibbling her neck.  As expected she kind of curls up sideways around my head as goosebumps spring up all over her body.  She pulls away from mw after a moment with these huge, amazed-looking eyes and says: "Wow!  So THAT's why they call that 'Necking'!".  
  I sent the URL for this site to my boyfriend. He submitted his moment, which was about his ex-girlfriend leaving him for a member of a band known as Buttsteak.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I went out to lunch today with my mother. The waiter brought us our check, and as he was about to walk away he said to my mom, "is this your daughter?" She nodded. "You have a beautiful daughter," he said, flashing a winning grin in my direction. My mom said she hadn't seen me blush that much in a while. The troubling thing is, I turned red not as much because of the compliment but out of anger...for you see, I realized that the man couldn't possibly be Limbo. He wasn't Scottish enough.  
   I was having sex with this guy while watching a baseball game on TV,,,,he was so bad..thank god I got to watch a shutout or it would have been a very boring night       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the question  " You know you've been smoking too much pot when....."  me: When you fear being drafted into the eternal war between the hawaiians and the eskimos.  him: ......what the hell does that mean?  me: if you don't know than you have obviously never smoked too much pot.  
   LowBrow North Carolina Barbecue  Southerners take their barbecue very seriously, as they should, because it's the best in the world. I have a friend from Wilmington, NC, visiting for a few days. First night, I tell him I have authentic North Carolina pulled pork for him. He goes nuts over it: "This is the best I ever had! Where did you get this up here?" Me: "I didn't. I had it air-freighted direct from Maurice's." He: "Hell, I didn't know they did hand-pulled pork! I thought they did it all by machine!" Me: "Only by special order." He thanks me for my thoughtful hospitality, as he should. Next afternoon, he comes back from a trip and I'm working away on my gas grill. Hickory smoke is bellowing out of it, stinking up the neighbourhood. He: "What you got goin' there?" Me: "Oh, I thought I'd try my hand at making my own pulled pork." He laughs: "On a gas grill! Jeezus -- what a waste of pork!" He lifts the lid for a peek and almost falls over laughing: "What are those little cans there, with the silver paper on the top?" Me: "Cat food cans, with soaked hickory chunks inside them." He slaps me on the back, almost crying with amusement: "And what are  these  weird gadgets?" Me: "Oven thermometers, with remote sensors. One is monitoring the temperature inside the pork, and the other the temperature inside the grill. Both of them can page me right here (I show him my pager) if the temperature gets out of range."  Real tears come to his eyes this time: "Man, you'd better get yourself some  real  barbecue equipment before you try this again!" Me: "Oh, by the way. The barbecue we had last night, from Maurice's?" He: "Yeah?" Me: "I lied."  
  My young buddy Dunbar comes back to my motorhome with me, and of course LowBrow is open. I start to read him one of my latest moments, the one about the one-legged Norseman and I playing pool. Halfway through, he cuts me off. He doesn't want to hear my prose. I try reading him a different moment, a really funny one about Superman on the World Trade Center. He: "I don't like things being read to me, and besides, at the end, the bartender comes over and calls him a nasty drunk." Me, chagrined: "A mean drunk, not nasty..." I ask him if he knows the difference between surplus and excess. He: "Oh, yeah, that's the mouth thing. You tell me that one every time we get together." Jesus Christ! This guy thinks I'm a boring, repetitive old fart! He: "You got internet on that thing?" Me: "Does the Pope shit in the woods? Eh, I mean..." He: "Yeah, yeah, is the bear Catholic." He grabs the mouse, and proceeds to give me a tour of his favourite porn sites. Me: "I'm a broad-minded guy...." He: "Yeah, yeah, you have broads on your mind all day." I'm dying, here. He: "Take a look at this." He's not a broad-minded guy, at all. He's a shit-minded guy. After a few images of shit-covered people, and shit-eaters, I actually close my eyes. Me: "That's sexy?" He: "I love it, I just love it. Look at this one..." laughs loudly. I don't open my eyes. He: "[Limbo], you're a timid drunk." I wasn't even drunk, but if I'd opened my eyes, I would probably have thrown up. I guess I'm a boring, repetitive old fart, but I can hold my head up. I draw the line at shit-eaters...  
  "hi, i'm not in right now, so please leave a message after the beep."   and i begin speaking  before  i hear the beep.  just to spite you.  just because you specifically asked me not to.   bitch.  
  You know, if your current lover is friends with an ex, that's fine, but if they are always talking about them, and seem to spend a bunch of evening with them, and those evenings involve mind bending substances... THEY ARE FUCKING.  
  depending on whether or not i have a girlfriend at the time, any social distortion song can be taken one of two ways... either... yeah, man... life sucks. or damn, i'm glad i'm not you.  
  sometimes, i mistaken this place for a chatroom...and find myself replying to the remarks of others...        
  I love seafood and I'm not a wuss, but when your 14 and your surgeon father insists on showing and explaining to you EVERY SINGLE ORGAN that he removes from the fresh fish you're cleaning, frozen fish sticks start looking pretty good.  
  There's a guy with a pipe sticking out of his neck on TV. I can turn him into a cool ass bong.  
       Penis wrinkle..   Such an interesting insult.. I never got a chance to use it.   Apparently, being called "Stupid Bitch"... renders me unable to say anything.     
  I'm certainly no prude, and would never refuse to try something sexually unless it really hurt, but damn, a toothbrush up the ass? As much a proponent as I am for good revenge, I won't sacrifice my ass for bristle burn.  Now, if I could catch the cat.... yeah.   
  If you must have a burp full of flavor, then have one right after eating a bigass cinnabun.   Quality AND quantity.  
  We had a manager at El Chico's that used to work for the Cracker Barrel. He told me about some cracker ass that had never eaten shrimp before and wanted to try them. A large plate of boiled shrimp was brought to the table.  A little later he came back to see how this dumbass had liked the shrimp, but was confused, the entire plate was empty. He asked the guy how the shrimp was and got this response, "Good, but kind of crunchy." Apparently this dipshit had eaten the shrimp, shells and all.  Man, I wouldn't want to take that dump.  
  you know that bald guy on oprah?  the one who teaches 'lifeskills' and such bullshit.  i would pay money to smash his face in with an axe and then piss on the sodden bloody remains of his head.  'you teach people how to treat you' apparently.  
  I needed the password to my friends server so I could upload some shit to it. We were chatting away, and he finally gave me the password. It was a name, but a really odd name. I told him so. "What a stupid fucking name for a password" I said "Its my dead brothers name" Says he. Oh. I guess that kind of justifies it then.   
  Two weeks ago I was walking to my car in a parking lot when I noticed a really cool looking car.It was some kind of a custom car that the owner had made that resembled a space ship.I stopped to admire the car for a little while.The owner noticed I was looking at it and came over and talked to me about it for a few minutes.He told me that if I wanted he would e mail me some pictures of it.So I wrote down my e mail address and handed it to him.At first he looked almost confused then angry.Like I said it's been two weeks and I still have not gotten a picture.I had no idea that my e mail address was so offensive.  
  I'm too lazy to throw away old coke cans.  So about twenty have piled up on my table, and I flick cigarrettes into them when smoking.  There's so many lying around it saves the hassle of an ashtray.  Well, today, I accidentaly flicked a butt into one I was still drinking from.  I just wasn't paying attention because there were so many lying around.  I proceded to take a swig from the can a minute or two later.  I swallowed the butt.  Yes, I know what you're thinking - but I vomited it back up in a few minutes.    My body was just like "fuck no!"  
  Paraphrasing some Victorian author, there comes a time in every young woman s life when, having drunk enough beer to irrigate the Sahara, she must pee in the bushes behind a frat house.   
  There was this retarded kid who went to my high school. He wrote songs. All the songs had to do with magnets. I guess he associated magnets with love or something. I dunno. Retard logic I guess.  Some choice song titles: Be my magnet You + me = magnet Love me magnet and my favorite, Magnetines day(a mix between magnets and valentines day) I'd give an arm to have a copy of all his songs.  They're comic gold.  
  I discovered the orgasm when I was I think about 12.  As I recall Three's Company was great to jerk off to.  The other day I was thinking that I don't beat off to sitcoms so much anymore.  Blessed syndication.  Three's Company is actually still on in some spots.  Im pleased as punch to report that it's still amazing masturbation material.   Even morso then it was back then.  They just don't make them like that anymore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          i started pounding on the key board another moment gave me the same moment no matter how i tried i kept getting the rats and tires story i mean its ok an all but dammit browser i need a fix addiction gets ugly       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It wasn't until I was on the plane that I realized that we left the rope tied to the bedpost for the chambermaid to find.    
  Dogs get offended when you watch 'em shit right? Then why is it that my dog feels the need to burst into the bathroom when I'm taking a shit? Not only watching me but trying to lick my face. I don't lick anyone else's face when they're taking a shit. Dogs can dish it out, but they can't take it.  
  The target - a slightly overweight girl wearinq all too much denim.  The hunter - a tall, thin man. White t, black mambo shorts, dark glasses. He opens with an inoccent request for the time. Then comes the gold - 'do i have any shavinq rash?' 'no' she replies he is sinking fast but still chasing this doomed anqle. '.....(pause)......any at all?' 'no'  'are you sure' (im cringing inside at this point thinking psycho psycho psycho)  'yes' - the train lurches into the next stop. She hurriedly heads for the door at an almost bolt, then trots down past the windows (and past the view of psycho boy) to the next carriaqe. The guy looked totally normal afterwards as though he did this kind of thing all the time, if he does.... it is a sad world indeed.  
  It was in New Jersey and I worked in a factory in Paterson.  She was a Puerto Rican gal from Newark in her mid-twenties and she was hot. Wish I could remember her name but I can only remember her body and her tongue.  I didn't know her for more than a week when she let me know she wanted to have sex with me so I made a date with her and drove to the really bad neighborhood she lived in with her sister Letty, Leticia. Funny how I can remember her sister's name.  This wasn't a date like I thought it was going to be. I was prepared to take her to a movie or out to dinner but she didn't waste any time getting down to business.  On the floor, on her knees in front of me, unzipping me and lapping my dick like it was the best mofongo she ever had.  "Should I cum for you?" "Only if you are still able to fuck me good afterwards."  I shot in her mouth. She gagged and looked very surprised.  "Angry?" "No"  She took my hand and lead me to her room where I undressed her. She had a really nice body.  Then she carefully undressed me.  I started to get on top of her but she turned over and got up on her knees.  "Not in there, the other place."  "The OTHER place???"  I was primed to fuck so I didn't care.  Afterwards...  "Do you prefer the OTHER place?"  "I don't have any choice. I'm getting married in two weeks and I have to be a virgin."  I never saw her again after that. She quit her job and went to where all virgins go I suppose.           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today my father found a pack of cigarets in my pants. When he asked me if I smoked, I just smiled because I couldn't find a decent excuse. I should have admitted that I also drink heavily, smoke weed/hash, do coke, dust, shrooms, acid, k, e, tina, styx and ghb. But I don't want to dissapoint my parents...  
  you are just like your mother.. he said  my mother is an evil witch of a woman, abusive.. hurt me as a child.  oh yeah, thats gonna leave a mark... thanks for the kind words, honey..maybe you could turn the knife handle just a little more to the left while you're at it.         
  my brother tried the frozen bee leash pet thing once. only it was a wasp. he put it in a plastic cup and shoved it into the freezer for a while.   i heard him take it out, though it didnt really click because i was watching tv.  after a few minutes i went into the kitchen for a drink and i see the wasp tied with floss to a butcher knife.   for a crazy moment i visualized seeing that wasp flying around the house, using the attached knife to slaughter everyone inside.  i snapped back to reality, he comes back to see if the wasp has woken up yet. i hear scuffling.  then i hear "OH GOD! ITS LOOSE!" and the plastic cup slams down again. "i got you this time, you piece of shit wasp!"  slightly disturbed, i hear the freezer door slam again.  later, he took the sleeping wasp outside with the floss tied around its middle.   he pulled the two ends of the floss until the wasp popped in half, laughing maniacally the whole time.  
  I found a set of Fisher-Price farm animals at a yard sale. So I took the little cows down to the health food store and arranged them in the display where they have live wheat grass the hippies like to juice for themselves.  Someone actually protested to management because they said the "karma" of "implied meat-eating" was "polluting" the green goopy liquid. So next I went to the real market and bought a steak.  Guess where it's going?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend Aeve and I had made a road trip to Montana for my 20th birthday.  After meeting up with a friend of mine that lived there we decided to rock that hotel room.   Much booze consumed, much weed smoked.  Finally I passed out on one bed, she on the other. In the middle of the night she sits up on the middle of the bed waking me up and screams "Crack whore on whore! Ba-a-a-a-a-ad Billy!" Then she rolls over and continues sleeping.  Unfourtunately she doesn't remember what she dreamt about. Whatever it was, it must have been interesting.   
  It's nice when you have sex with a friend and then remain friends.  late one night, said friend, myself, and a bunch of mutual friends were sitting around talking about all of our dirty histories.  Inevetably, anal sex comes up;  me:  anal... I wonder what it would be like...  I've never tried it.  her:  yes you have.  that blew my fucking mind.  
  In about 1990 I bought an old Reliant Robin (3 wheeler English car) for  50. I couldn't drive (still can't).We all got really stoned and cut the roof off with crappy hacksaws thinking it would make a really cool ironic convertable.  The following day we looked out the window and realised that we would have to get that pile of junk to the breakers yard somehow.  So, one guy how could kind of drive (but not legally) said he would do it. We set of and within five minutes we had crashed into 2 other cars. We abandoned it on the main road out of the city.   
  Have you ever woken up from a night of heavy drinking, look next to you and think to yourself, "Who is that girl, and why does she look like something out of a tim burton movie?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My girlfriend's roommate used to say "Ka-HULA" when she meant Kahlua.    She also hit herself in the head with her polo mallet.  By accident.  More than once.    
  The look of sheer terror on Brandi's face; she tried to drop the car into first gear and I fumbled to lock the door,  As the hooker walked slowly toward our respectable car  Cigarette hanging from a dried withered face,   In braod daylight, I laughed so hard I almost peed in my uniform.        
  My girlfriend and I had just finished having sex (actually, this was the night we hooked up) and were faced with the task of disposing of a condom in a house with NO garbage recepticles.  In a fit of inspiration, I opened my window, whipped the fucker as hard a I could and watched it fly... only to wrap around a tree branch, clearly identifying my bedroom window as its point of origin. The next morning a bunch of us were having a smoke on the balcony. It was like 10 minutes before any of those fools noticed. We're not allowed to flick butts of the balcony anymore.  I flick em in the tree.  
  I broke a cardinal 'guy rule' a while back...   I told my girlfriend the REAL reason that guys like to open doors for chicks...  
  I like Disneyland motels.  I live like 10 minutes away, and you wouldn't belive how many high school girls on vacation want to get laid.  Especially if you say you go to the same High School that No Doubt did.  
  One of life's myths:  "Shaved is better."  No, no shaved is ITCHY.    
  Something inside of me told me that doing yoga would be neat and fun. Then in yoga I think I stretched that thing inside of me until it broke. I hate yoga.  
     So I ended up in the shower with my friend Will.It was strictly to get clean after swimming, and we were in bathing suits. As I was washing my hair, I felt a hard blast of warm water from the side on my leg. He started laughing like a maniac, and told me he pissed on me.    Of course, I had to get back at him, so I pissed on his feet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I find myself in the unfortunate position that some people think I drink a lot.   I don't. The relative volume of what I drink is far smaller than some ten pints a night cauliflower-eared lout for whom the highpoint of the evening is ordering an indigestable curry on the stagger home from the bar and tactically chundering on his shoes before he reaches his domicile so that there may be room in his stomach for said curry.  Quality, THAT'S the key.       ...for instance, I always miss my shoes.  
  Once I had a dream that I was in the Big Brother house (really my house, but on the Big Brother show), and I had to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't get there in time, so I took a dump in the dishwasher.  Of course it was on tape, and some black guy found it in there.  I think I was kicked out for that.  
  I overheard her say "I adhere to my strict Christian values. No sex until the third date."  
  People enjoy partying at my house, because quite often (although far from always) everyone who comes gets laid.  I'm not sure how it happens, but I like to believe it has something to do with a drink I invented called the "College Park Orange Juice".  But maybe its just because I have a lot of horny, drunken friends.  
  the other day my friend told me he likes to look at porn while his girlfriend is in the shower  he has whole digests that he has catalogued, he tells me proudly, and his girlfriend doesn't have a clue  pathetic, i thought to myself  why don't you just go get it the shower with her instead  oh, he said, but it's fun getting away with it with her so near  i shake my head and tell him to give me a call next time she is in the shower  why, he asks  a man that prefers a cold monitor and his hand over a warm real woman deserves another man to take up his slack  he hasn't really talked to me since  oh well, i just offered him something to think about  hope he has enough digests to keep him warm at night now or that somewhere in that pile of pictures he has found a clue  i hear she left for a more attentive man  and people wonder why relationships don't last anymore  
  I was at a party with a bunch of assholes.  Somehow I'd ended up in a back bedroom with a few friends of mine who weren't having a good time either.  We couldn't leave by the front door because the friend of ours who was throwing the shitty party would see us and be offended.  So we all crawled out the window and went to see a movie.  When he asked the next day, we told him that he had just drank too much to remember us leaving.  
  Sitting in a bar drinking, some right-on girl tries to convince my middle aged buddy he should stop all his drinking and smoking.  His reply, "It makes no sense dying healthy" shut her up.   
   The Lowbrow Nobel Prize  If there were ever a Lowbrow Nobel Prize, it would have to have something to do with shit, wouldn't it?  Like if somebody ever won a Nobel prize for shovelling pigeon dung, that would qualify, wouldn't it?  Too late.  In 1963, Arno Penzias and Bob Wilson were working at Bell Labs in NJ with a sorry litttle radio telescope, trying to get rid of excess noise. No matter where in the sky they pointed the damn thing, the noise stayed absolutely constant.  They figured that the pigeons roosting in their antenna were the problem, so they grabbed a couple of shovels and cleared them and their dung out.  When they got back to the lab, the noise hadn't changed. What in heaven could be the source of an absolutely constant signal, from all directions?  Just the Big Bang, is all. They had confused pigeon shit with the echo of the birth of the Universe.  To quote the Bell Labs web site: "Scientists acknowledge that the discovery that Penzias and Wilson made was one of the century's key scientific advances."  Said Michael Turner, a well-known cosmologist at the University of Chicago who recently gave a talk here, "The discovery of the cosmic microwave background by Penzias and Wilson transformed cosmology from being the realm of a handful of astronomers to a 'respectable' branch of physics almost overnight."  Lowbrow boys and girls: We're  experts  in this field! Start your shovels...  
  They should make a cologne from the Waffle House... Cigarette de' toillette...        
  June, hot afternoon getting tanked at the snake-pit on Melrose - Guy walks in wearing a postmans outfit circa 1985 - he was not a real postman - orders a beer and a shot then says "I'm going next door to get some smokes - don't throw out my drinks, I'll be right back blah blah blah".  We notice moments later he is outside getting arrested - cuffed and stuffed at this point.  Moments later he walks back in the bar asking for his drinks the bar tender threw out minutes ago. Not a word was spoken - I could hear the sweat sliding down my back. This postman was having a bad day... the bartender told him to leave - he did (probably to get his gun).  I left too - I didn't care how it ends, I just thought of the irony and its no wonder real postman go 'postal' if this is any insight into their lives.  
  The guilt feelings, the anxiety attacks and the sadness just would not go away.  Guess it's one of those Calistoga[tm] and Valium[tm] kinda days.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup" If this is true, kill yourself now.  
  Saw something that made me wonder the other day in a catalogue...  "WWJD Hemp bracelet"  ...          
  Honesty: Would you really be all that surprised if God was a duck?        
  My roomate and I are standing in line at the drugstore. "I feel so pathetic. I'm drunk on a Sunday afternoon, standing in line to buy sleeping pills because my life has me so stressed out."  He says, "You think that's bad? At least you're not standing in line to buy Vivarin, Vasoline and a porno mag."      
  This morning I flogged my weasel lying on my back, as is my custom. Usually, I'll just let it fall on my stomach, and then go shower. After a few minutes of hard work, my little soldiers flew up and hit my forehead.  I'm sure that's not any sort of record, but that is a personal best. I feel so proud.  
  whoa whoa buddy careful that stuff is seven bucks a pound         
  you should never gets so wasted that you shave your nipples off.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At a show one time, i'm standing outside, and i see this dirty punk go over to the cafe next door.  he sits down at a table like he's gonna order something, and starts licking packet upon packet of sugar out of his hand.  and when he runs out of real sugar, he starts doing it to the sweet n' low.  before he can get to the equal, a woman runs out of the shop and takes the little tray of sugars back inside with her. hey -- i was rootin' for ya, dirty punk.  
  Hey, you know how a couple of seasons ago they had that "just got laid look" fad for women with the mussed hair and the glowy makeup?  I think someone should have made a "just got laid smell" perfume to match.  Guys would still be buying the stuff today to use in their cars.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I tired of people saying that by smoking your just killing yourself slowly and painfully. We're all dying slowly and painfully. If anything, smoking speeds up the process.  
  After a string of failed relationships and embarrassing sex stories, on new years eve 2001, three of my friends and I decided to go celibate for the whole year. Whoever gets the least action gets two hundred dollars.  Three hours later, I'm at the park near my friend's place, trying to find my pants after having sex next to the swingset. I figure 365 days is too long to wait, even if $200 is at the end of it.  
  When indulging in fatty bo batty crystal line one day, I looked down and noticed that I was using my 24 hour fitness card to cut it.    this doesn't make sense. why pay for monthly gym membership when you've got the jenny crank diet!  
  For a change, I have plenty of beer but I'm running out of cigarettes. And I only have $4. But I have a few empties! I count them and see I don't have enough, damn. Then I brighten, and realize that if I drink four more beers, I'll have enough money to buy cigarettes! It's a tough challenge, but I think I can manage it...  
  I am prone to sinus in fections. Which is strange as I never did much coke.  One time as I sat in english class with my asshole of a teacher, I hocked the nastiest greenest lugey. One that was greener, and thicker than most rain forests. In the middle of it was a very defineable spot of deep red blood. I decide maybe its time to blow my nose, and go see the doctor.  I approach my English teacher, and ask to use the rest. The bastard tells me I should have gone before the break and to sit down and finish my essay. I tell him i'm not feeling so well. He replies "Maybe you'd feel better if you had researched you in class essay topic.  Now go sit down."    I then proceeded to hock another one of those tasty tasty green think lugies and spat it in the middle of his desk. Now this was drenched almost completely in blood. I replied "You're gonna have a lot more of those if you don't let me leave...right... now.  I was suspended for 3 days. Fucking cocksucker.  
  At the dinner table my mother said, "Dr. Perko asked how you are," but what I heard was, "What a porko-assed cow you are."       
  Went out to a bowling alley one time which really isn't my thing but what the heck.    But apparently it really IS someone's thing since they decided to have their wedding reception there.  The bride (in full dress) seemed a little mad as her new husband in tuxedo played video games....  
  So I just finish having sex with this girl and she turns to me and says "that was great!" I turn to her and say "Don't tell me, tell your friends" She got kinda mad. I did get to sleep with her best friend two weeks later so I guess she did tell her friends  
  I sit in the limo.  It is prom night and everyone it making out with their dates, getting all romantic, I am doing the same thing except I have my hands up her shirt.    The next day they told me that I "didn't have all my heart into kissing her"  I tried to look offended as I thought "no shit"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Working the 4 to midnight shift at a 24-hour gas station.  Around 11:30, some guy comes in and buys a little 3-pack of condoms.    I reflect that, in 8 months of working there, he's the first person to have bought them (I always figured our manager ordered them by mistake).  He heads back out to his truck and leaves.  I observe that there's a girl in the front seat.  I wonder if she knows what he just bought...  30 minutes later, the midnight guy comes in to start his shift.  He asks if I know who's truck is parked in the lot behind the booth.  I look out, and realize it's the truck that belongs to the guy that bought the condoms.  Apparently, he never left the station.  As we're watching, we see the window roll down on the driver's side.  We see the EMPTY condom box be thrown from the cab.  The window rolls up, and the truck drives out of the station.  They only come out at night, I swear...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         First day going in to the temp retail job. Stood there, in uncomfortable dress shoes, while a fat black woman explained to us just how much she expects us to kiss customer ass. I had a sudden epiphany. I don't have to do this.  So I took off my name tag and dropped it on the floor and began to walk off while she was in mid-moo.  "Where you think you going?" she yelled. "Life's too short to do this shit." I said. She tried to get a security guard to stop me from leaving, on the grounds she hadn't given me permission. Once it was explained to the security guard that I had just quit and didn't need her fat ass permission, I strolled out to my car, while she screamed at the guard for "letting that girl go." The next day I went in and creatively rearranged her department's merchandise.   
  So one day I was presented with an interesting math problem. It was so strange that it stuck in my head all day.  Later that night I'm lying in bed, making out with a girl. She climbs on top of me and asks me, in that particular tone that girls like to use while in bed, "what are you thinking about?"  Being an honest person, I responded, "math."  Girls can get so violent sometimes.  
  last year, around this time, I was extremely extroverted and got excited over the tiniest bit of social interaction.  then i moved to the city. now i work in a mall.  incidentally, i now have social anxiety disorder and am extremely introverted.  i hate people.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it's pretty lowbrow that when you are masturbating with a deluxe model vibrator that you are fantasizing about masturbating with one of those nicely formed cucumbers you saw at the grocery store...   - freshproduce@starmarket.com     You know they do make cucumber shaped vibrators.  The best of both worlds.  
  I am driving solo from Nice to Genoa on the Motorway. I have a medium-sized ziplock filled  with some extremely kind buds in my pocket. I arrive at the French-Italian Border and, oh fuck there are Carabinieri with guns and sniffer dogs on leashes. They are asking the people in the buses and cars in front me to get out while the dogs go to work. Thoughts of "Midnight Express" race through my head, and I panic. I don't wanna do time in an Italian jail? What the fuck do I do? I improvise. I decide to swallow it - thick fucking ziplock and all! I just about manage to get it down, with great difficulty. The guy with the sub-machine gun waves me forward. I take out my American Passport. He sees it and waves me right through.  Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How stupid. I try to regurgitate it. No luck! The weirdest thing of it all was that I never saw it come out. You would have thought you would feel a big fucking ziplock coming out of your ass, would you?!?! I still wonder if its inside me somewhere.  
   Fun With Divorce #3  This one from my wife, who is scanning the paper for a divorce lawyer. She reads: "Complete divorce $375. Only 1 signature required. Covers property, custody, missing souse..." We both laugh, then she says: "If I talk to this guy, I'll tell him I'm not really missing my souse." OK, she got me, on that one...  
  I pulled open the door of the men's bathroom of a busy gas station only to discover a haggard old vagrant standing at the recirculating cloth hand towel doohickie with his pants and underwear around his ankles. The toilet was on the opposite wall twelve feet away.  My reflex reaction: "What are you doing, exactly?"  I didn't stick around for the answer, now I kinda wish I would have.  
  I just read a post about jerking off and watching star trek. I've got you beat. I jerked off while watching "Cast Away" three days ago. Tom Hanks doesn't turn me on, mind you, I was just bored and needed something to do.   P.S. I changed the channel before I spooged.   
  The current Love Of My Life decides to get me into cross-country skiing. I hate cross-country skiing with a passion. She's somewhat opaque to my protestations, and buys me a complete outfit for Christmas. I buy her a gorgeous black coral necklace, which she loves. So much for quid pro quo. We drive up to the White Mountains in NH, with her insisting "you'll  love  it!" Weather report: 12" of packed powder, with frozen rain on the top. In other words, a skating rink. After about my fifteenth butt-fall, she's still skiing circles around me, saying: "Watch me! It's easy!" I finally manage to "accidently" break one of my poles. I take my skis off, and trudge back to the clubhouse with skiers bitching at me all the way for ruining their perfect track. I sit in front of the stove for hours, nursing my butt, waiting for her to be done having fun. 3 hour drive home. I don't say a word. When we later split up, she knows to take my skis with her...  
  We were in his purple camaro, speeding along the 405 toward Anaheim.  "That strip club sucked," he said. "I paid $25 for a lap dance and she didn't get naked for me."  "Caveat emptor," I though.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Heavy NASCAR traffic on all sides.  Winnebagos, SUV's, full-fledged Mega Rock Star Tour Buses, all encrusted with NASCAR bumper stickers and decals.  Our Mitsubishi Mirage is dwarfed by everything else on the road.  Of course we do what obviously must be done and plaster our windows with makeshift signs reading "NASCAR SUCKS." and spend the rest of the drive blowing kisses at the puzzled and angered drivers.  
  I had this roomate in college that was an engineering major so he was into all kinds of shit. One evening he mixed Canadian Mist, WD-40, and nitric acid together in the sink in our dorm room. It started to make this thick fog looking shit. He asked me for my lighter, so I handed it to him and stepped out of the bathroom. He had to light the lighter twice, finally it lit. He sat there over the sink for about 3 seconds and then **POOF** The whole fucking bathroom was filled with this blue flame that lasted about 4 seconds. He fell back into the tub, I fell on the floor laughing......  He lost his eyebrows, armhair, & bangs.  Now that fucker is building bridges or something....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first official drunk party (Never drank til I was 19), I found one of those glow sticks. I had a button up type shirt on with button pockets. I put it on and put the flap over it. Hey I was too wasted to realize the idiocy of it.  Well there was this particularly volumptuous individual who approached me and asked me for the glue stick. I said, but how can you wear it, you have no buttons. If I recall correctly, she indicated she'd place it in the cleavage.  My response?  Can I pin it on you?  Politely enough, she replied, no you can't touch my boobs. I tried like 3 more times then gave up and gave her the glow stick.  Then right at the end of the party another girl approached me and notified me she was very drunk. Had I no conciousness and a better grip on my surroundings I would have turned it into a profitable situation. But all I did was put my arms around her and did some sort of weird erotic dance. I don't recall her reaction.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i hope yer eating while reading... on the bus, riding home from school (first grade).  i looked at the end of my finger.  what appeared to be a booger was staring back at me.  i did what every rational first grader would do. i ate it. it wasn't a booger.  it was ear wax. that's not the grossest part.  after i swallowed, it immediately occurred to me that i hadn't been picking my nose.  my next thought was "i haven't been picking my ear either." in first grade, i ate someone else's ear wax.  
  So we hosted a party (my roomies and I). It was good. We only had two couples break up. Really good.  We had a couple staying in our spare bedroom. She was fine. She was getting ready for work in our upstairs bathroom (the one I use).  I woke up that morning... naked with my girfriend beside me. I had to puke. I ran into the bathroom without thinking about my nakedness.  *Barf, barf, barf*  I felt much better. She looked at me.  "You're naked!"  I looked at myself.  "Why yes I am." I replied.  
  this is a waste of your time. i am wasting your time and what's worse is that you are leting me. you could be out doing something, anything. you could run, if you're not to fat. you could swim and feel all that now murky with raw human waste water all around your skin ( if you full of bravado do it naked ), you could go climb something you know scamper or some such thing. but no, you and your nasty slothin boby had to stay here and read this useless crap while a sun set over a mountian range and people, not you, had some rahter physical experiance. still, some how, i feel better about my day. now i, while not know, have a hope that some one has had it worse than me and by my hand/fingers/mind what ever.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         lyzz liked to leave food sitting around for awhile, then just poor it in the toilet (a perfectly acceptable practice if you have no garbage disposal, which we didn't).   one time, she left a bowl of honeycomb cereal sitting around for awhile, and the little hexagonal corn puffs got pretty bloated. she eventually poured 'em in the toilet, but didn't bother to flush, so they got *way* bloated. her roommate comes in a bit later, pees, looks in the toilet, and yells, "COME HERE!  LOOK WHAT I PEED!!"  
  90% of my food comes out of either a microwave, a toaster oven, or a drive-thru window.  
  I had been with my girlfriend for a long time, so I took the plunge and bought the huge box of condoms.  Now I'm not huge and I can't really fuck for a long time, but three out of the first five we had used broke.  I guess they were from a bad batch or something.  So here I was with 30-some-odd condoms that I wasn't going to use.    Instead of returning them to Durex or Trojan or whoever, I put them in a bowl in the lobby of my dorm with a friendly sign informing people they were free.  I hated that school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A Haiku:  Your Mom, oh, your Mom. Can't think of a bigger whore. Herpes A and B.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hanging around the coffee stand at the mall waiting to go to work, I noticed two scruffy-looking backpackers being approached by one of the local jesusfreaks, who began to "witness" to them. They tried to politely ignore her, and when that didn't work, one asked her to leave them alone. That didn't work either. Finally the backpacker shouted, in a thick Aussie accent "Get the FUCK away from me!" The jesusfreak looked hurt and told him "No need to speak to me like that. We're all god's children, you know!" "Yeah", he replied, "and look how well it turned out for the oldest boy, huh?" She left as we all applauded.   
  did you know?  unqualified, the word "need" implies that something, somewhere, has meaning. if you just "need" something, you probably mean you need it to continue a contented existence. perhaps you even need something in order to stay alive. are either of these ideals explicitly expressed in the objectively observable universe? by needing something, you attribute meaning to life, to existence itself.  and right now, i need a drink.  
  I went to this party once and drank a lot.     Later that night I puked in their toilet and then went outside for some fresh air.    Fifteen minutes later, my friend who I went to the party with came out and handed me my glasses and said, "Here, I found these in the toilet while I was peeing."  I put them on and enjoyed the rest of the night.  
  My boyfriend hasn't gone down on me in a couple of months.  I've inquired several times if there's some sort of problem on my end - too much hair, yucko odor, whatever.  He always assures me that I'm fine, and in fact I'm far more pleasant in my nether regions than his ex.  This doesn't surprise me...I've gotten the same report from others in the past; apparently I'm just not an odorous person in any regard.  Unfortunately, I can hardly say the same for my boyfriend, who is absolutely retarded when it comes to personal hygiene.  He has fetid, nose searing anal secretions - even when he's curled on his side in bed, the pungency wafts into my face.  To top it off, he gets terrible B.O.; he has chronically greasy hair; blackheads fester unsqueezed all over his face, and he has (hands down) the most disgusting example of Halitosis out of anyone I've dated.  He refuses to brush his teeth; the tartar builds around his gumlines like cheese, and yes, he gets those white blobs of spit at the corners of his mouth.  Sometimes in the morning, his breath smells like a 2 day old meatball sub, served with a plastic cup of bloated cigarrette butts submerged in flat Pepsi.  On second thought, maybe masturbation is a lot more hygenic than getting head from this guy.  I don't even kiss him, after all.    
   Maybelline Tales #4  After her near-death experience, Maybelline didn't look any the worse for wear.  When I opened the cat carrier, she took off without a backward glance, up the hill and into her favourite forest.  "That's OK -- don't mention it." I said to her ungrateful back.  Next morning, I was rubbing sleep from my eyes as I walked into the livingroom.  I noticed a large patch of black on the floor.  At the same moment that I realized the black patch had recently been a red-winged blackbird, my big toe got stuck in the neck cavity of a headless rabbit.  I thought: "Aw, she loves me after all!"  
  One time we started taping all sorts of stuff using two mics. Trains, planes, thunderstorms, all kinds of shit. The stero effect was really cool, especially whilst tripping. One day I taped myself taking a piss, a real good one.  Man, with headphones on it felt like someone was taking a leak right into your skull.  
  i didn't know i had a boyfriend until i heard him call me it in front of our friends..at first i would have said something..but god. he is HUNG.  
  Once when I was 7, my cousin and I were chillin in the living room watching "TRANSFORMERS"(hey, girls liked it too.)My dad worked nights on a tug boat.  Sometimes he would be gone a week because the boat had to travel up the Mississippi.  My mom worked days.  One day, my dad came home from work, and went straight to his bedroom.  Me and my cousin just looked at each other with small amusement as we turn our heads to finish watching the episode.  A few seconds later, my dad comes out in nothing but his tighty whiteys and proceeds to put his hand on the hallway wall, and look down.  There was a pile of dirty clothes that needed washing.  He put his hand on the wall and proceeded to piss on the clothes.  He scratched his ass and went back to bed.  We missed the end of Transformers.  
  Accept that some days your the pigeon and some days your the statue   If you treat the people around you with respect, they will never guess that you're trying to stab them in the back   If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried  There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.  Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part  
  Our ski gondola came to a halt a few hundred feet over a freezing lake as we descended the Matterhorn.  "Oh my god, what are we going to do?" screamed a panicked ski bunny.  "Oh," I said cooly, "this is where we all get out and take pictures."  
  Whevever I stay in a hotel I make sure I piss the pool on my last night there.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw my bank teller--a sexy late 30s woman with a platinum wedding ring she had not worn in weeks--in the grocery store while my girl and I were shopping.  The next day, at the bank, she leaned across to the teller who was helping me and said, "I need a man like this. He goes grocery shopping!"  I said, "I also do the laundry."  She responded, "Where were you when I was getting married?"  "In grade school," I thought.  Maybe tomorrow I'll comment on her nice new haircut...       
  I think the main difference between lions and babies is that lions are covered in hair.  also, lions eat babies for food. and robot lions eat babies for fuel.  
  There's a coffee house in Georgetown that I love to frequent. The drinks are tasty, the music is good, and it has a unique ambience.  Aw, who am I kidding, I go there because there are always a ton of coeds with big tits.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife was getting ready to run some errands. It was warm out and we had been working in the yard. I asked her to stop by the liquor store and get some beer.  Now mind you she has drunk all kinds of imports with me and we even discussed some different brands she might get.  She came back with some cheap ass malt liquor (High Gravity Ale) called "Side Pocket".   That shit is nasty......now I understand why you end up in jail after drinking that swill.  Needless to say I went back and got something drinkable.  By the way, WHAT THE FUCK is High Gravity Ale???  
  Even though I have had a dick in my mouth, I don't want to share my boyfriend's toothbrush because he's bi and has also had a dick in his mouth.  He's insulted by that.  
  he held me and said he felt closer to me than anyone he'd met in a long time.  "when did that happen?" i asked, and he said he didn't know exactly.  i bet it was when i gave him his first rimjob.  
  some people like to mix their antidepressants and alcohol with a couple of whiffs of some zooted humbolt co killer green buds for giggles i like mixing lowbrow with dangermouse cartoons no volume while cranking helmut or vintage ramones maybe a makersmark for good measure its all quote  drugs endquote if you think about it        
   Boy, that Jane Fonda, she gets me everytime.  Hot damn I wish I could stuff her up a dead elephants ass.    A communist elephant at that.        
  We were at the Columbus Zoo in the monkey & ape compound. We were watching the gorillas. Specifically, we watched a young male gorilla scratch his nuts for about 10 minutes. When he was done, he looked around sneakily, and proceeded to lick his palm. Fabulous, indeed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day I fed the wild birds raw corn on the cob. Boy did they gobble it up. They pecked the cobs bare. Delightful.  The next day I learned from the giant droppings on my boyfriend's windshield that birds crap in yellow as well as white. Not so delightful.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had shoulder length hair.   Last week I had it cut short and had blue streaks put in it.   I paid one hundred dollars for the haircut.   Now I don't have to pull a wad of my own hair out of the crack of my ass on a daily basis.   It might have been worth the cost.  
  Dead Bunnies Haiku #909   Bunnies in the yard  Monuments of man's advance  My tractor is cruel.  
  My wife gets back from the mall and collapses into a chair. She's so frazzled she's almost crying.  To top things off, she left her handbag at a store.  I give her tea and sympathy, then head out to the mall to get her handbag.  The cashier hands me the bag, and asks if I'd like a bag to put it in.  When I look confused, she says: "Well, some men wouldn't be seen dead carrying a handbag."  I just laugh. After all, I'm sufficiently secure of my sexuality to wear an earring in the "wrong" ear, to drive a minivan, to spend several years working in a gay bar.  I start walking confidently down the "main drag" (sic) of the mall, handbag in hand...  ...and after going less than 100 feet, blushing furiously, I duck into a bookstore, make a random purchase of something large enough to need a paper bag, and quickly stuff the handbag in there along with it.  
  not mine, but i know the kid...  frat guys all have pledge names, with crazy stories behind them usually...i was almost a frat guy, but i changed my mind, before i ever got my name...anyway...this past semester, a kid went thru pledging and got the name "colgate"...which of course begs to be explained...apparently this kid hated his 2 roommates...so he waited til they were both gone...jerked off onto a piece of cardboard...and rubbed his roommates toothbrushes into it... the worst part is that while this story was going around, he was still living with the guys...so one could only assume it eventually got back to them...  i added that to my list of things to do to people i hate, along with a ton of other things from lowbrow...man, i love this stuff...  
  Masturbation takes coordination Masturbation a game we all can play  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my mom is very aware of the very real possibility that a weasel or bird might take and eat her (fully grown) 3.5 pound chihuahua while it's taking a crap.  
  had a prince albert, but took it out because my then-girlfriend didn't like it. after the breakup, i decided to put it back in, but i was low on cash, so i didn't want to pay to have it pierced again. i broke a prong off a plastic fork and dug in.  
  when i was in my late teens, i was a punker... dirty, rude, broke, semi-homeless, carless, often jobless, etc... i never had to look for sex, it found me. often. i am now in my late twenties... i make 50k+, have a decent car, nice pad, stylish hair, i shower everyday (almost), travel a lot, am in better shape than when i was young, am really caring and sympathetic to women and i can't fucking get laid. i guarantee one or more deities think this is funny.  
  i like how AOL Instant Messenger has those little buddy icons...some people were smart enough to make some good icons that look like they actually belong in the interface.  i especially like the more crude ones...the ones that depict sex acts. i would love to use one of those, but there's something unsettling about talking to my family online with a Cumshot animation at the lower left corner of my IM.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think all the Trekies of the world are just waiting for William Shatner to die.  That way they will have someplace to visit and wallow together with others who share their obsession.  kinda like elvis fans at graceland  
  I used to do independent contracting for dinky IT jobs. Configuring LANs, NT admining, that sort of thing. My first gig was a rehab clinic. I charged 75 bucks an hour, and took three and a half hours to repair their shit.   That night, I spent all the money they'd given me for the job on ketamine, as I figured it was only appropriate.  
  Back in college I was at a friends dorm roon playing cards.  One of the guys there was a bit of a homophobe.  He didn't hate gays, he was a bit scared of them and he was absolutely terrified that someone might think he was gay (being a 21 year old virgin and all).  Ao, anyway, we're playing some cards and bitching about how shitty the deals were and he says quite loudly, and with absolute seriousness: "I'd kill for a Black Queen".  As luck would have it one of my smart-ass friends, who happened to be black, was walking past the open doorway at the time.  He sticks his head in the room and says in a very vamped drag-queen voice: "I've got what you need, sugar!"  Friend number one almost melted into the floor in shame as the rest of us exploded with laughter.  
  we made my friend's little sister do a beer bong full of kool-aid.  the red stain was on the floor for a really, really long time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         somebody once said: "I look up at the crucifix and think, 'Man, Jesus had great abs,'"  they're right. he should put out a workout video, and call it: "Divine Abs."        
  I've never again been as horny as I was that one day back when I was 18.  I had been awake for 24 hours and had been smoking some good pot.  The horniness was so intense that I almost dry humped my car before I got home.  Once I got home, I stripped off naked, put some pr0n in the VCR, lubed up, stuck half of a carrot on an electric screwdriver and shoved it up my ass.  The carrot rotated in my ass while I beat furiously.  I don't remember what I was watching but it was good.  I thought it would be a good idea to eat my own cum.  Yuck.  Anyway, 20 seconds after I was finished, the guilt kicked in.  I threw up.  The carrot was flushed.  My entire porn collection was thrown away.    My mom later plunged the toilet and asked my dad, "Did you flush a big carrot chunk down the toilet!? Huh. That's odd."  
  The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments  Recovering from a hangover by lying in bed in the cool shade of our hotel room in Aruba and watching the Disney Channel, the only decent mid-afternoon tv in English, and only one thought enters my throbbing head:   What kind of name is "Topanga" anyway?   
  Kelly was the first "cool" friend I ever made; I was her only (token?) "weird" friend.   I thought how funny it was when cool and uncool worlds can collide...  We went to the mall together once (her idea of course) into some trendoid clothes store I normally wouldn't be caught dead in. Completely unaccustomed to the way their shallow salespeople glide over with a breezy (fake) How-ya-DOOOin'?! greeting, I didn't know better and responded honestly.  Later, I heard Kelly telling one of her cool friends the story, finishing "...and, I couldn't *believe* it!, Melanii tells her 'Could you just BACK OFF? You're crowding the HELL out of us!'"        
   Outer Hebrides Moments #3   There was rarely any excitement at the airfield there, so when a large, unidentified jet approached one day at high altitude, my brother-in-law Jim, the controller, went into a tizzy.  Jim: "This is Benbecula control tower. Flight approaching at 310, identify yourself."  Pilot: "I am Chinese Aii Foce tlanspot"  Jim: "What is your destination?"  Pilot: "Moscow"  Now, a Chinese Air Force plane doing an unannounced fly-over of Scotland en route to Moscow is just the sort of thing that could have started WWIII back then.  Jim, trying to imagine where his next posting would be if he messed  this  one up, reached for the phone to call the Air Force, but it rang before he could pick it up.  It was the nearby RAF station calling him.  "Jim, we're tracking you here. I've got a brace of Lightnings ready to intercept. Ask him to turn on his transponder* for a positive ID."  Jim: "Chinese plane, please turn on your transponder"  Pilot: "Solly?"  Jim: "Do you have a transponder on board?"  Pilot: "Solly? Eh..." In the background, Jim can hear a quick frantic discussion, then:  Pilot: "We a peaceful flight. We cally only aglicultulal implements."  -------------------  *a transponder emits a little radar signal that identifies the aircraft.  
  She asked me what kind of guys I liked, to which I replied english teachers. As an afterthought, I added soccer moms.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In a parking lot today I saw a Starbucks with a sign in the window saying,"Drive Thru."  I really wish I was dumb enough to construe it as an invitation to ram my truck through the front windows.  
  I heard the grossest thing today: Went out on a smoke break and ended up in the middle of this quote:  "You know, I just like to go home after work, take my clothes off and take a dump, ya know?"  This came from a woman in her mid forties.  Of course she had a mullet.  And she smells kinda funny.  Is grossest a word?  
  She tells me she's so glad that I'm not a weird stalker guy like her customers who buy books from her and take the opportunity to hit on her.  She's glad that I would never do anything like that.  Moments before she said this, I was thinking about renting out the apartment across the street from her house, so I can stand in my window with binoculars and peer across the street into her bedroom.  
  I was leaving work last night and had to get something out of the fridge before I left. I go into the break room and this girl had just opened and closed the top freezer part, so I walk up and try to open the fridge....repeatedly. It won't open and I'm pulling so hard the whole thing is moving. She is just standing there looking at me like I'm crazy. Well, I had one arm full of stuff so I put my right foot up on the freezer part (yeah, I do yoga) and pull harder on the fridge handle, still no luck. By this time, everyone in the break room, including the maintenance man, are staring at me, and the people in the outside break area are watching through the windows as I struggle. I never did get it, so instead of making more of a fool out of myself, I just walk away. And all those bastards didn't even help me.   When I walked outside, some of my 'friends' who were about to die from laughing at me, told me (when they caught their breath) that as soon as I walked away, that other girl walked up and opened the fridge right up, closed it again, and opened it again.   Now I look like a real idiot!  
  seven or eight of us decide to grab two decks of cards and head over to the mangy moose (teton village, base of jackson hole) for a game of asshole (president, whatever you call it). 250 dollars worth of pitchers later, i'm standing on my chair, beer above my head, singing 'oh canada', much to the displeasure of the waitstaff and patrons.  
  I had just gotten into an argument with a girl I was seeing in college.  We'd only gone out once or twice so we weren't serious.  She invited me to a party but didn't tell me that it was a costume party.  She showed up dressed like Marilyn Monroe and I was wearing normal, although slightly dressy clothes.    "I'm JFK," I said after she yelled at me for not dressing up.  We argue all night, even though I spent the majority of it bonging and shotgunning beers with her friend's boyfriend that she knows I hate, just to be nice.  The next day, we're still pissed at each other.  Then, at the bars I see a friend of mine from the freshman dorm.  He asks me what I've been up to, if I'm still dating a girl from like two years before.  (She had dated him first.)  I am still upset with this girl, and a little drunk so I reply "No." I say "I've been dating this cheerleader.  She's pretty cute but she can be really annoying some times and her voice can really get on your nerves.  It's one of those high-pitched, Minnie Mouse kind of voices.  But, hey, it will be a great story telling my friends I fucked a cheerleader."  "Yeah, man," he answers.  "That would be awesome.  What's her name?"  So I tell him, so he doesn't think I'm making it up.  And because I am an idiot.  "That's my cousing," he says.  
   Not Understanding The Concept #2  (from another post): [my mother] thought we were about to have sex. I almost wanted to tell her we weren't, my gf was just going to go down on me.  ---------------   In case you're confused, and think that it's me that doesn't understand the concept:  To find out if something qualifies as "sex", ask yourself if you'd mind your significant other doing it to somebody else.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Years later, I'm back home visiting and while at the mall I run into a kid I used to babysit, all grown up. "Look at this!" he exclaims to his friend. "She was the best babysitter in the world, I loved it when she would come watch us!" I was overcome with nostalgia at what a little sweetheart he'd been as a child and still obviously was. "I mean, LOOK at the tits on her!" he continued. "Still as great as ever." Thanks, Jeffy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me:  "there's your weed box"  my roommate:  "it's not my weed box, it's my black box"  me:  "...with weed in it"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Dangeroo 2:  My girlfriend is the daughter of the Edinburgh Zoo Warden.  She lives right in the middle of the zoo, which makes coming and going at night on foot hair-raisingly interesting.  Her room is even more interesting, with an enormous coal fire, mounted heads on the walls, and about 20 different big animal pelts lying around.  Of course, we make it our mission to perform a comparison study of which is the best pelt to place in front of the fire and make love on.  Zebra is way too harsh and itchy.  Gnu is too small and wiry.  Grizzly bear is just wonderful.  But our hands-down favourite was snow leopard.  So, if your love-life needs a spark, go bag yourself a snow leopard.  Better be quick, though -- there's only about three left...  
  She say "Why don't you quit thinking with your dick?" I said, " I'll quit thinking with my dick when you quit fucking with my head."  
  Recently saw this guy I know get bitch-slapped by his mom...  You know: palm, back of hand, palm, back of hand...  Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack!  He's 24...  Deserved it though...  
  waiting in line for the single-stall women's room at lunch. a woman clomps down the stairs and sees me waiting. 'you on line?' she asks. i nod. she looks towards the men's room and grins. 'let's see how the other half lives,' she said. 'do you not feel comfortable with that?' i laugh uncomfortably as she squeezes past me to try and jar open the door. she succeeds about 10% of the way in, and her inquisitiveness is met by the door being slammed shut loudly. ten seconds later, the door opens, and a man walks out, giving us a stern look.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  The lobster party was at the Hollis' that year. Libby dissected her lobster instead of cooking it; pointed out all the key organs to the younger children. She probed with excitement. I was impressionable.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I like to stick things in my ass when I'm masturbating.  I pull them out right when I cum and it feels like I'm taking the most rewarding shit. (Go ahead, play with your prostate).  I just thought you might like to know that.   
  While in a mall food court, me and my friends got some cheap chinese food. We sat and talked for a while, enjoying the atmosphere and our meals. Me and one of my friends had finished our meals, and got up to throw them in the conveniently placed receptacles. Our other friend, however, had not finished his meal. "Hey! you eat that!" She scolded "Starving people in Somalia would kill for that!" He looked at her, and the food, and back again. He promptly dumped his tray, food and all, and said "take THAT, Somalia".   
  When I asked my wife what she was giving up for lent, she looked me in the eye and said "Sex."  Imagine her surprise when she asked me the same question and I look her straight in the eye and say "Fidelity."  
   Man, don't you wish humans continued to grow new sets of teeth throughout their lives? Put those fucking dentists right out of business, sadistic bastards.        
  I was having my wisdome teeth out. No big deal you think? Well mine were growing the wrong way. THe bottom ones were growing down and the top ones were growing up.In my jaw and my skull they had to break away the bone after slicing through my gums. I awoke in a haze of anesthetic, not really sure of what was going on. Hey guess what i was going into shock due to something weird about the drugs they used on me. The got a big paper blanket thing and covered me in it then tucked it all around me. I looked at my parents and told them i knew what a joint felt like and from now on i wanted to be refered to as Mr. Reefer. They didin't appriciate this as much as everyone else did.  
  Going down on a chick who just went to the bathroom minutes before is always a bad idea.  Either you get that splash of salty wetness, or you get to taste and smell the toilet paper she used to wipe with.  Why the hell can't she go run around the house a couple of times or something, just to sweat a little and get rid of that toilet paper aroma?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He said "The best thing about the Amish is, you can fuck with 'em all you want and they can't fight back."  Yes indeed  
  I used to have a mullet. Somedays I wish I still did. It's not nearly as bad as everyone seems to think  
  My hair stinks. I can feel it brush across my  face - soft, and bright - I love the copper red. But it sure does stink.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Beguiled by the hype on the package, i purchased condoms called "Beyond 7". When i got home my girlfriend began to laugh hysterically. "Beyond 7" refers to penis length in inches.        
  "Storyville" was spelled out, at a jaunty upward angle.  The "e" swooped ina downward flash.  Purple, that clashed with the red walls.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Whenever I give my car to a mechanic or valet, I put a bidi in the visor.  You see, to the untrained eye, a bidi looks just like a joint. It isn't though, it is a very harsh Indian tobacco, rolled in a tobacco leaf.   Generally, you smoke it more gently than a cigarette. Smoking it like a joint will be unpleasant, if not painful.  About 1/4 of the time, I come back and my bidi is missing. I chuckle and imagine that someone is choking on it at that very moment.  Serves them right for trying to steal my weed.  
   One sunny fall afternoon I had just finished doing some yard work and was about to go into the house when two guys on bicycles stopped in front of my house and ask to speak to me for a moment about their religion. I said "sure!" in a very energetic voice and  invited them in. I apologized for my disheveled house and ask them to sit down and ask if they wanted anything to drink. They said no thanks. I said jokingly, "So, what you guys selling?" Then they start babbling about some sort of religious stuff and tried to give me some books and ask for donations and so forth. Then one of them finally notices the decaying human torso on a small table in front of the fireplace and the severed head on the mantel.   Heh heh. Man those guys sure ran out of there fast.         Guess those Halloween props I made a going to work out just fine..  
     I once let a guy eat me out for a pack of cigarettes.     To this day I'm still sure I came out on top of that deal.  
  I believe that when someone is intoxicated, their inhibitions are lowered, and they do whatever they most desire in the world.  That's why horny people fuck when they get drunk, and violent people look around for people to beat up.  Me, I usually just want to go to sleep.  
  One time, I said "Jesus Christ!" out of surprise or anger in front of a Jesus freak.  And they said, "See? You say things like 'Jesus' and 'God' when you're afraid, because you really do worship them!"  And I said, "Yeah, well, sometimes I say 'Shit!', too!"  
  Every dog knows a word that will make it crazy. When I was a kid, we had a dog (his name: martini) that would go running down  the end of the driveway barking if you would tell it to "GET KOJAK".  My current dog (Todd), will go nuts if you tell it to "GET THE PUPPY".  One morning I woke up, and saw a cat outside the window of my bedroom.  "GET THE PUPPY",  I told him.  Barking out door the dog runs right on past the cat,  only to bark at the fence at the end of the back yard.  The cat, spooked, climbs over the fence toward  the front yard.  I get Todd, bring him through the house. I get him primed with a couple good "get the puppy's".  Then, while the dog is in a frenzy, I open the door  and yell, " GET THE PUPPY!". (Loudly)  My genius dog runs right past the cat, across the street  to the little grey haired couple walking their rat-dog.  The last thing that old couple heard before they were forced to pick up their ratdog by  the leash was the crazy neighbor (ME) yelling, "Get the puppy!"  Ugh.  A guy just can't explain himself out of that one.   Every dog knows a word that will make it crazy. When I was a kid, we had a dog (his name: martini) that would go running down  the end of the driveway barking if you would tell it to "GET KOJAK".  My current dog (Todd), will go nuts if you tell it to "GET THE PUPPY".  One morning I woke up, and saw a cat outside the window of my bedroom.  "GET THE PUPPY",  I told him.  Barking out door the dog runs right on past the cat,  only to bark at the fence at the end of the back yard.  The cat, spooked, climbs over the fence toward  the front yard.  I get Todd, bring him through the house. I get him primed with a couple good "get the puppy's".  Then, while the dog is in a frenzy, I open the door  and yell, " GET THE PUPPY!". (Loudly)  My genius dog runs right past the cat, across the street  to the little grey haired couple walking their rat-dog.  The last thing that old couple heard before they were forced to pick up their ratdog by  the leash was the crazy neighbor (ME) yelling, "Get the puppy!"  Ugh.  A guy just can't explain himself out of that one.   Every dog knows a word that will make it crazy. When I was a kid, we had a dog (his name: martini) that would go running down  the end of the driveway barking if you would tell it to "GET KOJAK".  My current dog (Todd), will go nuts if you tell it to "GET THE PUPPY".  One morning I woke up, and saw a cat outside the window of my bedroom.  "GET THE PUPPY",  I told him.  Barking out door the dog runs right on past the cat,  only to bark at the fence at the end of the back yard.  The cat, spooked, climbs over the fence toward the front yard.  I get Todd, bring him through the house. I get him primed with a couple good "get the puppy's".  Then, while the dog is in a frenzy, I open the door and yell, " GET THE PUPPY!". (Loudly)  My genius dog runs right past the cat, across the street to the little grey haired couple walking their rat-dog.  The last thing that old couple heard before they were forced to pick up their ratdog by  the leash was the crazy neighbor (ME) yelling, "Get the puppy!"  Ugh.  A guy just can't explain himself out of that one.   Every dog knows a word that will make it crazy. When I was a kid, we had a dog (his name: martini) that would go running down  the end of the driveway barking if you would tell it to "GET KOJAK".  My current dog (Todd), will go nuts if you tell it to "GET THE PUPPY".  One morning I woke up, and saw a cat outside the window of my bedroom.  "GET THE PUPPY",  I told him.  Barking out door the dog runs right on past the cat,  only to bark at the fence at the end of the back yard.  The cat, spooked, climbs over the fence toward the front yard.  I get Todd, bring him through the house. I get him primed with a couple good "get the puppy's".  Then, while the dog is in a frenzy, I open the door and yell, " GET THE PUPPY!". (Loudly)  My genius dog runs right past the cat, across the street to the little grey haired couple walking their rat-dog.  The last thing that old couple heard before they were forced to pick up their ratdog by the leash was the crazy neighbor (ME) yelling, "Get the puppy!"  Ugh...  A guy just can't explain himself out of that one.     
  my brother tied a port-a-john to the back of his jeep with rope when he was blitzed, proceeded to drag the shitbox for two blocks or so.  He then didn't want to play anymore...so what did he do?  Did he untie the rope and leave?  Oh no, he drove it back to the park across the street, and burned the rope in the middle.  In the middle.  Needless to say, even cops can figure out that one.  
  My hair stinks. I can feel it brush across my  face - soft, and bright - I love the copper red. But it sure does stink.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  During my junior year in high school, the police decide to have a county-wide drug raid in all the high schools.  We sat in class for what seemed like hours as they sent drug sniffing dogs up and down the hallways and called people out of class to be arrested.    The next day, our local news paper printed the results of the drug raid.  It was the one and only time I was proud of my school.  My rich, white boy school not only had the most arrests, we had drugs that apparently the other schools never even heard of.  Damn we're good.  
  Once, while running from an angry drunk who was MUCH bigger than me, I somehow got into my car and drove off. Problem: I had locked my keys in my car on the way INTO the bar. What the fuck? I still haven't figured it out.   
  found out the hard way last night after drinking like a fish for 4 hours that:  "youd look good bent over a chair and taking it hard."  is neither a good pick up line or a way to avoid a knee in the groin.   
  A leopard skin print cotton dress appears to be the cheap imitation that it is.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was taking my daughter home in my truck. She said, "Mom, those guys were really giving you the eye."  "Oh really?" I said. "So?"  She said, "OK, I won't tell you anymore when you get gaped at."  I said, "Wait, wait, wait. Keep telling me, OK?"  
  I think she new what she had to do when I said "I will do anything for you".  So, she told me to tell her when I was about to cum.  I told her, a couple of times, even.  Ain't my fault she just started to pull away at the "point of impact".  I put it back in my pants, said "see 'ya" then got out of the car, never to see her cum stained face again.  
  I'm the polite type.  The office I work in is small and crowded, so if I ever feel a gas attack coming on, I'll walk into our small little one person bathroom and let rip.  It's much better then pissing off everyone else for the rest of the day.  My boss, curious to know why the hell I went in the bathroom, goes in to see why I stepped in for five seconds and then back out again.  His face, walking out of the bathroom a few seconds later, was priceless.  And I realised that I had completely gotten away with getting him to smell my ass... and I had done nothing wrong in doing so.  How cool is that?   
  Sometimes it seems like being at WalMart is lowbrow enough. It's even worse when one of the fat salesbitches is snotty to you.  So I feel entirely justified in taking a shopping cart loaded with the most expensive clothing items back into the cheapo perfume aisle and dousing it. Soak 'em all real good. But don't leave them for the clerk to find, they might wash them. Nope, you have to take them back to where you got them, and hang them up to aromasize their neighboring garments.  Also, "accidentally" spilling an entire bottle of amonnia or two is entertaining from a distance.  
   IV Valium Stops Being Fun  I wake up alone in a dark room, gasping for air. I realize I must have stopped breathing! Something is seriously wrong here.  Before the operation, they pumped me full of IV Valium and Demerol. It felt wonderful at the time, but now it's literally killing me. I pass out, and wake up gasping for air. I stopped breathing again! It'll be a few days before anyone realizes that they accidently fucked up my frontal lobes during the operation and that I can't remember anything for more than fifteen minutes, but in the meantime I have to stay awake or die. I wake up gasping again. I reach for the nurse button, but then forget what I was trying to do. I wake up, blue in the face. I gasp, and try to figure out where the hell I am. I wonder what that big button beside the bed is for. I reach for it...  
  After we take a shower we place the towels on the shower curtain to dry and sometimes they end up becoming hand towels.  Being the intellectual being that I am, one day I decided to wipe my ass all over the towel after taking a shower.  Sure enough, later on in the day my brother ends up smelling like ass.  
     i work a retail job in a very wealthy upper-class area on the north shore of long island.   the cars are all lexus, beamers, jags, benzs, suvs, ferrarris, bentleys.  the womens bags are chanel, gucci, fendi, prada, escada, dior, hermes, vuitton. (those shops are down the street)  the men wear rollies, tags, or movados.   at least once a month, someone smears shit all over one of the bathrooms.       
  My room is infested with potato bugs.  I don't know where they're coming from, but it's like something out of the bible, one of the fucking plagues of egypt.  And God said "Let there be potato bugs.  Let them be plentiful in number, and let them all live in one room.  Let the denizen of that room wake up with one on his pillow, and let him step on one barefoot when he gets out of bed."  what was evolution thinking when it came up with the idea for fuckin potato bugs  they don't even look like potatoes  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A girl actually said to me "Oh my, you have a big little buddy!"  Should I have been happy?  
  Yeah it was over a few years before we finally got into it.  Maybe 9th grade year, we started asking for quarters to get into the "rich" movies.  The rich movies were just the lastest ones in the mall, where it cost 6 whole bucks to get in after 7. I think.  Well alright, going on 11th grade, we've graduated into sneaking into the dollar theater, they just dont care, there's a gas station right next to it, so yeah, food.  So the most expensive thing now is the fucking popcorn , 4 something for a Large. Piece of shit bag.  Anyway, there's a free refill, they tear off a little flap at the bottom so you can't cheat them the third time.  So yeah, we're going through trash cans looking for untorn large popcorn bags that dont have too much spilled soda on them.  I think it stopped when my friend reached over onto the counter where the napkins are and got a handfull of cold spilled popcorn. I slapped him before he finished chewing. Then he kicked me in the shin.  I threw the can of napkins at him and we promptly ran away.  Then we realized how easy it was to sneak into the rich movies.  Then i moved away within that week.  
  i introduced a straight female friend to my ex-boyfriend at a coffee shop. as he walked away, she remarked that he had a cute smile. i responded, "gives new meaning to the phrase 'shit eating grin'."  let's just say my allusion to rimming didn't settle well with her  
  I lost my virginity when I was 14 at the drive in to a woman (a good bit older than me) who could be best described as not very pretty.  To make matters worse, one of my mothers' co-workers saw it happen and told her about it before I even made it home.  
  Jesus Christ my boss and my Manager have got to be getting it on! Or if they aren't then they NEED to. Whenever you walk by she is in his office sitting on his lap or they are dancing together in the office. It is soo annoying. I just want to look them square in the eye and say after they return from lunch, so how was everything? Did you have a nice blow job sir?   
       I used to work in a mall and would glue coins to the floor, to make the retail experience pass by more quickly.        Then one day I was getting my boss some chicken nuggets and saw some extremely large person get really excited about finding 50 cents on the counter.        The next day I got to the mall really early and glued two quarters and a penny down.  i figured the copper and silver mixture would attract more attention.        I took my break at the nearest table in the food court that day.  Dinner and a show.    
  My ex's family had gone out for the day, leaving us all alone in the house.  After much fevored wanking i shot my load all over her, then we heard the TV turn on downstairs so she got dressed and went to investigate.    Her 14 year old sister had come back from school early, i heard talking as I crept across the corridor to the toilet to clean myself up but i slipped and fell over alerting her to my presence, quickly i ran into the bathroom and put my clothes on then i headed downstairs as if nothing had happened.  I said hey to her sister and sat down on the couch, just then she said "Hey Hannah, whats that white stuff in your hair?".  Now I cringe everytime I watch Theres something about Mary.  
  Was just flipping channels on the radio when I heard something like this:  "... he committed adultery with his wife of 19 years.  He has fallen into... pornogrophy.  Lord, we pray that you release him from this bondage..."  And all I could think was:  mmmmm.... bondage.   
  I used to love Star Wars.  Then I realized that Star Wars never got me any head, ever.  However, drinking does.  Fuck Star Wars, lets go get some gin.  
  The older eight grader came over to our table of sixth graders and said, "Hey guys, did you know that if you spank off, you have hairy palms."  Everyone of us immediately looked at our palms.  I didn't even know what "spanking off" was.        
  so.. this morning i was talking on a voice chat with a 15 year old girl while jerking off to porn...  my parents opened my door while i was going...  so for a split second, i was jerking off while talking to a 15 year old girl with my parents watching...  damn i've lived a fruitful life...    
     Wise man say:        Never fart in the shower   I got flashbacks from WWI's mustard gas attacks. Yes, it was so bad a 17 year old remembered his time in the trenches.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have smelled the ass of satan.  I think the Devil has eaten a few too many chili peppers.        
  So I gave Dave a little peice of weed left in of course a baggie.  "Hey I'll put it here" I said and tucked it under the couch.  "Watch John find it and smoke it.  That bastard."  Later when John was there and Dave was in the bathroom I pulled it out and showed it to John.  "Hey man you can have this but smoke it with Dave after I leave.  Don't tell him I left it for you though - just kind of reach down and produce it magically.  Watch the fuckin look on his face."  Alas I was miles up the dark road smoking a cig in the cold but warming car when the little lowbrow moment I had engineered came to fruition.  Wish I could have taped it somehow.  
  One time I worked as a substitute custodian at a middle school.  I didn't bother mopping the wrestling mats for 2 nights in a row.    One of the wrestlers got scabbies.    
  I feel more enriched now, as I have just learned a couple of things:  1) Lowbrow posts will hold the lyrics for the entire song "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"  2) I got paid to type the whole song.  When my lunch break came, I went on lunch, then came back to finish the song on company time.  3) Using ctrl-c (cut) and ctrl-v (paste), it takes approximately the same amount of time to copy a verse then go back and change the numbers as it does to sing the song.  4) I found this mildly entertaining!  5) I'm on lowbrow too fucking much  
   I'm at work yesterday and I have to take a urinate Upon ariving to the men's bathroom I whind that the toilet has over flowed and sunk the floor Two inches deep, foul rank, and gray Sewage And I'm standing in it where ing black dress shoes and slacks There's a small split in the soles of my shoes The water leaks in Wet socks that reeked were in my company for the rest of my work day  
  back in college at san diego state, my roommate had this '67 pink and black VW bug he called The Beast.  he being the only guy we knew with a car, we'd often pile 5 fullsize dudes in there, ready to kick the shit out of anyone who dared jest.  it ws like a fucking clown car watching 800lbs of college guy spilling out of a car which probly weighed less than that.  we heard rumor of a whole midget community somewhere in the area, with 3/4-size houses, short doors, etc.  rumor also went that they LOATHED "big" people.  so we decided it would be hilarious to pile as many people as we could into the Beast, and go trick or treating, claiming we're dressed as "big" people.  The car would blend in perfectly, and c'mon now, what's funnier than a midget?!  sadly, when halloween rolled around we got drunk and forgot.  i moved out of san diego shortly thereafter, and never did find out if the midget comminuty really existed.  damn, that would have made a great lowbrow moment.  
  It's 65 degrees in this freezing office.  I have my fan on. I'm tired of the funk I have been sitting in for the past two hours. My Monday morning beer farts have been squirting out of me and collecting around my person in a brown fog. I decided to turn the fan on when I caught my boss crinkling his nose...  
  The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcholic Moments  Henry arrives back at the hotel after having to scuba diving at 6 am following being drunk for two days straight. He walks into his room to find Martina and I napping in the two beds. We wake up, ask him how scuba diving went. "Do you have any idea what it's like to need to throw up underwater?" Poor Henry. No more Rum & Punches for you.  
  Our HR department in it's finite wisdom sent an e-mail about Martin Luther King Jr. day.  It's to be a day of peace and diversity, celebrating all nationalities.  We are allowed to dress in our ethnic colthing that represents our heritage as long as it could be considered business casual attire.  Ach, laddies, I'm wearing a full kilt with sporrin, kilt hose, and sash.  We'll see if we ever get to do this again......  More to come on Monday.  
  a girl once asked me, "why can't my period just last one day?"  and I answered, "Sitting over a bucket hemoraging to my death appeals far less then a pack of tampons and a week of dirty underwear. but that's just me, i dunno."  she ended up ammending her statement.   heh.  
  At the drive through window I realized I was short and had to cancel part of my order...I apologized to the young woman at the pick up window. She just smiled flashing a gold tooth and said, "That's ok, it be's that way sometimes."  True grace.  
  It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of Java that thought acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning.  It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.  The chant of all technical support reps in the morning......  
  I quit drinking in '98.  I'm glad, although I do miss it at times.  Thing that's neat/lowbrow is that now I have a weed connection and it's my oldest kid (22).  He was jaw-drop floored when I asked him one day a few weeks ago.  He thought and then said, "You're trying to find out if I smoke by acting like you want to smoke, right?"  I said, "Nope.  I already KNOW you smoke, dummy, I can tell by the way your sense of humor has changed."  Now he brings me little bags now and then and we have the greatest laffs together.    
  I'm no big fan of handjobs as a general rule. (Quoth Paul Barman: "A handjob's a man's job / Yo job's a blowjob".)  But why would you  ever  try one when we're sitting in an open-air theater, surrounded on all sides by old white people, at a performance of "Singin' in the Rain"? "Finding Nemo" was hard enough to deal with but this is just retarted.  
  my mom told me once that giving oral sex to men causes super bad cases of acne.  she told me this after she found preparation H in my nightstand drawer. I simply couldn't convince her that I used it, much like supermodels do, to get rid of bags under the eyes.  Trust me...they do use that shit. It shrinks tissues after all.  How Preparation H lead to a talk about oral sex I'll never know!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         through trial and error I have discovered 17 different and sure-fire ways to kill a roach  
  Once as a teenager I got home after midnite in my folks car, with the munchies and musta had something tucked forgotten behind my ear, I mustov dropped it on the way to the fridge.  I got up the next day, before I can become alert my Mum whips out the joint and asks whose it is.  'Not mine, must be "Craigs" - my six-year older brother.  'He just told me "not mine must be Scrawls".  So my old man goes to work, us bros piss off, as soon as we're gone Mum takes it out the back and gis it a go.  That night she said ' I dunno what all the fuss is about, it didn't do a thing for me.'  Craig said 'You probably didn't do it right.'  "oh I did, I took in big deep lungfuls and held it in for as long as I could. I smoked half but nothing happened so half an hour later I smokd the rest.'  It was good kiwigreen man. She was probably tralalaing around the house in some other world all afternoon, tripping on the house cleaning without knowing it  
  One day i ran into a former girlfriend, my one true love by the way, as i was walking through a sunny Stockholm, we had not seen eachother for at least 4 yrs and we rapidly exchanged phone numbers that i scribbled down and tore out of my notebook i always carry around just in case...   And with a kiss that promised more we parted with promises to call!  A couple of blocks away, lost in the maze of the Old town i looked at the note and saw my own cellphonenumber!   5 days later i left for my next assignment in the UN, former yugoslavia! When i came back a year later, she was married!  Kids, always check the number! I do...  
  Ron Rosenbaum, writing in Slate, 9/12/02. He starts talking about terrorist risks, but then switches to LowBrow: But in the interim I feel I would be remiss if I didn't warn the nation of a different kind of threat we need to prepare ourselves for. One that may not threaten us physically, the way al Qaida and Saddam might. But one that holds the potential for untold psychological damage. I was alerted to this threat in the course of my omn-media, multitasking tv/radio/print/ Web coverage of 9/11. It was something I heard on the Howard Stern show:  Billy Joel is contemplating writing an opera about 9/11!  I don't recall the details, perhaps because I was distracted by the touching reflections of the previous Stern show caller, a woman identified as "Dawn the stripper." But even the thought of a Billy Joel 9/11 opera justifies raising our nation's bad-art threat level to CONDITION ORANGE.    
  it all began (and ended) with Bacardi '151' and Kool-Aid. Twenty-three years later I can neither go near a drop of '151', nor contemplate the thought of a glass of Kool-Aid.  
  When I was growing up there was a beautiful, single mom that lived across the street.  Her name was Doris and she was probably 25.  At night, she would get naked and hang upside down in gravity boots in her bedroom.  Then, she would masturbate - upside down.  I had a perfect view.  I was 10.  
  Our Psychology teacher can not pronounce the word HEMAPHRODITE...instead he thinks it's a greek goddess!   Seriously!       
  i have no sex drive. at all. i have never had one either. i am one of those strange asexual people. i'm attractive also (have been even asked to be a model once!). and i haven't had any scarring experience. i guess i just lack some hormones or something? i like people and their company, i'm not anti-social or psychotic, i just have no sex drive. i'm lucky as hell. i see everyone always in a fit about sex one way or another. i just float through life happy as a fucking clam. seriously. suckers.    
  i'm frightened that my life seems to have turned into a john hughes movie. but without the snappy soundtrack.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  In all my years of living, I've only created one phrase that I'm proud of.  "When has peer pressure ever let you down?"  I'm just worried now that somebody else will take credit for it.  
  okay, so I'm pathetic, I accept this it's been since May of last year I held the one woman I am, and forever will be in love with.  I haven't seen her because she lives so far away, like the other side of the country.  She also has a boyfriend now, and attends some big fancy college.  I can't help but think about her everyday, and I still only truely love her.  Sure, she's really nice to me when we chat, but I can't help these feelings I have.  I love this girl more then anything else in this whole world, and I screwed up with her, and now I'm left alone.  Hey ~:~Sarah~:~ if you still frequent LowBrow.com just know that I still love you, and always will.  You were my bestfriend of many years, and now I never seem to be on at the same time as you... Okay, so I'm pathetic, but how many of you know what I'm feeling?  ...ImD^v^1's   
  Travelling tip:  When crossing the U.S. border into Canada, and the Custom's officer asks you "Do you have any firearms?", do NOT reply with "Why, what do you need?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was taking a Government exam.  The next question read:  43) During World War 2, who was in control of  Communist  Russia?  I stared at the girl next to me.  Her breasts were so large.  I wanted to squeeze them but realized Emily was the one for me.  I decided to choose answer B.        
  acting in a kids show severly hungover from the night before. one thought running through my head " if i hork on i little kid i will die from laughing"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I need to find a girl with a shaved bush. I really, REALLY don't care for big, hairy bushes. They weird me out. I don't know why. It's probably something unhealthy or horrible from my childhood that I've blanked out somehow.   I suppose even a relatively tamed bush would be okay. Just no more of these monstrosities that threaten to break through their underwear and devour the crotch of their pants.    Topiary sculptures. Beards. Thickets. Brambles. Who needs it?    - john_clavis@yahoo.com             -----------------  Just an FYI...men, you need to trim too if you expect her to.  We hate eating pube spaghetti as much as you do.  
  I just had my wisdom teeth taken out.  It didn't/doesn't hurt AT ALL.  But, I'm still taking as much vicodin and advil as I can.  And, I'm eating cheez-its  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when I shave my pussy and I go to pee, my piss travels all over my butt and the toilet seat.  So then I have to wipe my butt cheeks down before I wipe my pussy.  
   Question: Is it said when you return your beer bottles to the depot and you remember what you were doing when you drank each one. And you feel bad about turning the bottles over to someone else, kinda like you letting a pet go free to live on their own. I took mine down to the depot on the weekend and felt that way. I got to stop getting sober. Lesson to all the kids out there: Always be drunk and you won't give a rats ass about the bottles, you'll be happy that you got more money to drink with.     
  I work at a go-kart track.  Part of my job is to help people with their seatbelts.  I especially love helping girls with low cut shirts with their seatbelts.  They think I am looking at what I'm doing.  
  From an article about a Lawn Gisland family, the Goldsteins, who obsess so much about spelling bees that their children have been known to describe their hours of forced daily memorizing as "playing": "When J.J. was preparing for the regional bee,&nbsp;which&nbsp;she&nbsp;won&nbsp;on&nbsp;'quintessence,' she went around the house writing down the names of additives and preservatives from shampoo bottles and cereal boxes, but those aren't the kinds of words that tend to come up in the nationals. It's the words in Mona's meticclulously compiled spelling notebooks, many of them mined with silent consonants and tricky schwas, that are the ones you need to know." Bad enough, but I just  know  that the entire Goldstein family have each already called the reporter, Bruce Grierson, and his NY Times editor and copyreader, to taunt them about the misspelling of  "meticulously."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           Sometimes life is refreshing. Sometimes it smells like an old pair of jeans you wore for 3 weeks straight to smoky clubs, steamy open air conerts, and while working in the yard.      
  I like to consider myself an innovator.  It seems like everytime I talk about things from my bizarre perspective, it spreads like wildfire.  I get on kicks with different things.  For example, 6 months ago, it was Sea Love.   The gentle touch of a squid's tentacle- The sweet love of a dolphin's blowhole- Or maybe one step further, passionate sex with a pair of porpoises...a menage a porpois.  This shit just comes to me, and I think I lack the mental filter that says, "No, don't go off on the tangent about wanting a marine mammal with a slow fluke."  Nonetheless, my weird shit spreads like a virus, infecting all those who hear about it, making them want to tell their friends about the strange hilarity of Hot Seahorse Love.  My new kick is "Squirrels With Wheels."  Tell your friends!  
  Sitting waiting for the airplane is always the worst part of travel. Not to mention the people in the lobby. The woman next to me smells of cheap perfume, and a little bit of beer. I put down my magazine to hold my seat while I get up to get a soda, and she asks me, "hey, I'm gonna read your magazine if you're done with it."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Getting ready for work two mornings ago..... Alarm clock; cigarette; shower; smoke bowl; roll joint; grab two beers; drive to work.   Something here is wrong.  
  It's my first night after moving across the country to the lovely city of Chicago. I'm trying to set a good impression on a new group of friends who I barely know, several of whom are extremely hot (and reportedly experimental) women in their early twenties, who I fully intend to screw the shit out of inside of 6 months.  We end up at one of the rougher clubs in the city and I have to take a shit like nobody's business (a 12 hour car ride eating McDonald's and Fudgee-O's will do that). The bathroom floor is a quarter inch mixture of 7 parts piss and one part vomit. I plant myself on an ungodly porcelain throne and begin my dirty deed.  In mid-push, I look up to see someone's head over the door, looking into the stall. I do what any self-respecting guy on the shitter would do, I call him every name in the book, trying to call as much attention to this crazy fuck as I can. No sooner had the words "Fudgepacking ass pirate" escaped my mouth when the door was broken down by the crazy asshole. The asshole, however, had three guys behind him all dressed the same. I was hoping that the "Staff" logo on their shirts was some new trend.  The rest of the moment was uneventful. Just your run-of-the-mill being dragged through a club with your pants around your ankles and your ass still sporting the remains of a righteous mud.   By a stroke of pure fortune, the bouncers dragged me right by the ladies who came to the club with me, and I pray that I never experience a lower moment than that.  Shit happens.  
  The odd thing about summer is that hardly ever does your floor, let alone your shoe mat get wet from dragged in snow.... so when i noticed that my shoe mat was drenched and the shoes sitting in what i suspected to be a puddle of water, i knelt down.. took a 'wiff' and slapped the cat.  
   The womens' bathroom in our small, quiet office is outfitted with those paper toilet seat covers.  I will not use the toilet seat covers if I am alone in the bathroom.  They weird me out, plus they are a waste of trees.  The chance of me catching an STD from that meticulously cleaned seat are slim to none.  Yet there is no mistaking the loud crackling sound they make when you pull them from the dispenser.    If someone else is in the bathroom with me, I will take a cover out of the dispenser and give it a shake, to give the illusion that I am using one.  I am afraid of their judgement.  
  There was this chick in college that I thought I might get some with. However, she just wanted to be friends. OK, that's cool. so I would go over in the mornings and watch her get ready for class and we would leave together.  One day she tells me she may have to go to the doctor. I ask why and she tells me that her feces have been green for several days. I notice that she drinks a lot of grape kool-aid. so I tell her to lay off the grape drink for a while.  I tried an experiment on myself and sure enough, if you drink a lot of purple grape drink, your shit will be a very interesting shade of green.  Too bad I never got to bone that chick, but her green shits went away.  
  jesus, people have sex with the weirdest things: pool cues, dogs, cats,each other...  my sisters and i each got an electrical toothbrush this past christmas.  about a week after one of my one of my sisters had gone back to school she called and thanked my mother for the toothbrushes for close to ten minutes.  when i talked to her later she said the vibrating head did miracles for her down under.  holy fucking shit  
  When I move back to Ithaca, my new company (old college buddies of mine) promise they'll not move out of town for at least five years. So I literally buy the farm. Outside sorry lil' Spencer, NY. Two weeks later, they tell me they're moving the company to California. They don't invite me to the going-away party, but I go anyway, and the result is rather  intense . I almost throw one of my ex-buddies out of a second-story window. Down on my luck, I recruit some roommates to help pay the mortgage. We quickly form a multicultural household - a Scotsman, a Greek, and two Mexicans.  (I know -- it sounds like the start of a joke...)  The Mexicans are both called Tony. One is in the Cornell Vet school, and the other is his slacker buddy. I guess both of them are  rather  attractive to American women. I'm not at all prepared for the constant parade of babes through the house, though. They walk in silently, go upstairs, the rafters shake and plaster falls from the ceiling for about fifteen minutes, and then they come back downstairs again for their silent "walk of shame." Sometimes there are five of them in a single day. I swear Tony the vet went through almost the entire vet school in the first month. The LowBrow here is that I'm not getting any, in all of this time, and when I finally find a nice woman, she's in the Vet school, too. We're getting close and snuggly, but when I mention my roommates, she says: "Tony?!? You live with Tony!?!..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at work, and my supervisor was wearing a hideous tie with a pattern of a baby's face in the middle of a potted sunflower.  In front of about 15 of my coworkers I said to my supervisor, "Hey, those are some creepy babies on your tie."  And he replied, "That's my son.  My wife had this tie made for Father's Day."    
  I was so proud of myself. I had just bought a pair of pants from Forever 21, which is a store where size threes run rampant and anything above a size zero is considered obese. I have *never* been able to fit into pants from that store.  So I bought the pants. They were tight, but I figured they fit and they looked good.   So I wear the pants. I was going to wear them to work, and then wear them when I went out later because I looked fucking hot.  I squatted down to pick something up, and they rip apart at my ass.   I was about to cry. That has never happened to me before.   *sigh* Guess it's back to elastic bands...  
  she spent the first half of the train ride -- 30 minutes -- applying her makeup ever so carefully. brushes and colors flew out of her bag until her plain face had been transformed to something slightly less ordinary -- watching the transformation happen, i think, rubbed away some of the makeup's magical effects.   it wasn't until she fell asleep that i noticed the places where her eyeliner had skipped as a result of the train's bumpy ride, tiny blobs of brown interrupting the rest of the line. sort of like line segments.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Shit, Fuck, Damn! I knew once I started to use a fork to persuade that crappy quality jammed paper from my HP 4L it would end in tears. And it has. I hate my 4L today.       
    One time somebody said something funny and I laughed so hard a '68 Volkswagon came out of my nose!    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was when I looked down at the case of beer and liter of Jack Daniels that I had just purchased that I said to myself, I'm going to fucking puke tonight.  
  I work at starbucks. It's Sunday, 8 am, and I'm very, very tired. The store is empty and the slow hypnotic lounge music lulls me to sleep. I have to sit down....  There are no customers, so what the hell... I sit on the counter. Five minutes pass by, my legs are swaying in the air, thankful that nobody is there to disturb me from my quiet peaceful sitting.   A smile forces its way across my face as I fart. It's one of those horrible hot ones.   I briefly hear the ambient noise of outside as an old man enters the store and approaches me. I stand up and say "What can I do for you?"  Now this guy is pretty short, and as an old man, he's hunched over. The surface on which I've just farted is only 2 or so feet from his nose. And this geezer actually says  "AAAAAHHHHH NOTHIN LIKE THE SMELL OF FRESH BREW IN THE MORNIN"  
  we were sitting in the pizza hut with one bread stick left between the two of us. he decides to split it in half. looking at the two halves he says to me "so do you prefer length or width?" a second later he realizes what he's said and we're laughing hysterically. i never did answer his question.   
   I'm working out one evening in my rec-room when my ever loyal doggie comes running down the hall with his ball in his mouth looking for me to play fetch with him.  I'm in the middle of some reps and didn't stop, just kept doin' the curls. My dog drops the ball and watches with his head cocked to one side. After I squeeze out my last rep, I look down and notice my dog is looking at me with a pinkish red hard-on.    
  When I was about 4 years old my mom made me a beautiful superman-outfit. The possibilities were endless.  I jumped off a 13 ft. brigde to see if I could fly.  Nope.  
  Picking my nose while taking a piss and I get a nose bleed.  My dick is out, and my hand is becoming covered in blood.  I jerk off using the blood as lube.  So the question is, lowbrow or just plain sick?  
   My best friend of 16 years doesn't want anything to do with me, probably has something to do with the girl he's fallen in lust with. Another close friend  has hardly seen me since the beginging of the summer, and now she doesn't return email or phone calls. It wasn't that long ago she said she'd always be my friend because I had been there for her. My only other close friend doesn't seem to be around that much for the past few weeks. The only people I've ever cared about are abandoning me, drifting away and ignoring me though I don't know what I have done to deserve it.  To top it all off my Newport fell victim to the flood that destroyed Bound Brook, and I can't shower or shave until they say the water's safe again.    I think it's about time I start wearing knives and stop having feelings again.       
  It was my first "real" date with my girlfriend... we had been close for a while but this was the first time we were actually dating and went out to a bar.  She always had a tough time getting me to dance, but this time I couldn't get her to dance (her foo-foo drink like sex on the beach or something was too much and her stomach hurt or some shit, after I chugged a glass of Scotch. What a wuss). So I wound up dancing with two of her friends and there were riding me hard, hands down my pants while I had my hands inside their shirts.  I took one of her friends home with me, the one that was so horny she would have fucked a parking meter if it would have fit inside her.  Turns out this woman had been on the crack needle for three years and fucked a different guy every night. I fucked a Goddamn crackwhore.  I broke up with my girlfriend a few months later. To this day I still haven't told her what I did that night. My blood test came out clean, but fucking a crackwhore is still definitely one of my most lowbrow moments ever.    
  to mwuu karma sandwiches are hard to swallow no matter how many times you chew them sound like you need a beer to wash it down        
  i'm going to say it... i don't like sorry e e  not one bit but at least i can always tell that it is him, before i even see the address, and i guess that is pretty cool     
  High one night my best friend and I were sitting in his car contemplating life and listening to music.  Forgot about the car battery.  Had to be rescued by a mutual friend. But not before he tried to roll the car into the lake by releasing the emergency break on the manual transmission car.  
  Lowbrow?  Being 20 years old and having your father tell you you're going to shoot the family cat because it's sick.  It will "build character", he says.   Lowbrow?  Said sick cat meowing it's affection for you as it follows you to it's death. Lowbrow?  Needing to shoot the cat a second time because the first bullet only wounded it.   I'd never held a gun before in my life. I guess to my dad, "building character" and "scarring me for life", are interchangable.  
  i was a vegetarian at one point.  then one day i wasnt.  wanna know why?  Fuckin' mcgriddles.  
  A pretty new recruit I'm training seems distracted one day (Hi Sue!):  Me: "What's on your mind?"  She: "Oh, there's just this guy working here that I have a crush on, but I never seem to come across him."  Me: "How about you get him to come across you?"  She: "Fine, but how do I do that?"  Me: "Wait until his eyes glaze over, then make him pull out." (sound of rimshot)  I expected her to slap me, or look horrified, but ...  She: "Oh, I get it.  OK, how do I go about making  that  happen?"  
  Once as a teen my girlfried was giving me a BJ, instead of being nice and plugging along till the end, she stopped short at the moment of truth and it shot me in the eye. I was strangely embarrassed and relaxed at the same time.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friends and i have a ritual of filling a liquor bottle (usually cap't. morgaon's) full of piss before parties and leaving it on top of the fridge for any unsuspecting fuck that mooches other people's liquor.  it has yet to fail.  some douche and his friends always try to sneak attack the liquor in an effort to get extra fucked up for free when noone is around.  i can't explain how satisfying it is to know that so many people have had a drink of my and my friends' piss.  its so worth it, even when they dump it out on the kitchen floor.    
  I recently learned that bonobos, a type of ape that looks like a chimpanzee, has sex hundreds of times a day.  Not just hetero sex either.  Im talking about all kinds of sex with everyone.  Friends, relatives, complete strangers; man, woman and child.  I dont know about you but I want to be a bonobo.  Whos with me?!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he started shaking his head very dejectedly so this is what it has come to the beastie boys ripping off lines and licks from anthrax huh questionmark dont let the beat drop shreiked he oh right anthrax what was i thinking         
  Hanging out with my brother-in-law (who seems to be a walking lowbrow moment...) when he enlightens me with this bit of wisdom:  "Jerking off in the shower is just gross, and I really hate cleaning up the mess that lotion leaves. I personally think that using a sock is the only way to go."  I had another beer in the hopes that it would erase the image...  
  i am bulemic. have been since my junior year of high school.   i am very excited about the reunion this fall. i'll get to see the girl who talked me into trying it and helped me stick with it for the first couple of months. i haven't heard anything about her since graduation, but i looked at the rsvp list, and she's coming. i can't wait to see her.   i'm going to punch her in the face.  
  Jehovah's Witnesses are evil.  Whenever these guys showed up I used to have some fun but last week, I was visited by two women who would have been attractive if they lost the "freshly washed brain" glassy look of their eyes. And, even worse, they had that 7 years old girl with them, cute as a button in her blue dress.  I felt bad for a couple of hours after exposing myself to them.  Man, they sure know how to take the fun out of life...  
  I get home from a long day at work. I go out back to feed the dog.  He's a 220lb St. Bernard.  He's VERY happy to see me.  Is it a lowbrow moment when I notice that his penis is bigger than mine?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Gouda is one fucking tough cheese.   I broke 2 Ginsu Knives, you know the kind that are advertised as being indestructable.   just by trying to extract a wedge from it's circular, tastey, and buttery clutches.  God I'm a dork  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About four months ago I learned why you shouldn't cook naked. I was cooking an egg and hot oil spattered my nude stomach. I now have a dozen little red splotchmarks around my belly button. Part of me wants them to go away. The other part wants them to last forever so I can tell my kids I got em in the War.  
  We had no food n my house for 2 days, and I was to lazy to go out to the store. Then I walked past the garbage and saw a snadwich on top. I actually picked the sandwich up and ate it. It tasted really good, untill I ate part of a snapple bottle.  
  I'll never forget the first time I had anal sex, I was pretty naive back then and didn't actually realise girls could get off on it too, after about 20 seconds of doing it, she was making so much noise (in a good way) I was kind of like a "fucking zombie" completely shocked out of my brain at what was going on, she came before I did, I was speechless, it was good stuff.  Always reminds me of a comment my old boss used to make (frequently)  When she's on her "rag" put some vas (vaseline) in her crack, slap it in her dirtbox and plow her like a farmer!  Love it.   
  Leaving Key Food with groceries (V-8 and Lean Pockets) in hand, I pass a public phone with a pair of Bingo scratchoff tickets lying in it. Only the some of the call numbers have been scratched, the cards were untouched. I pass them up, but before I cross the street I find a shiny new penny which I take as an omen. I go back for the cards and take 'em home with me. Using the penny to scratch off the numbers, I play the cards. Both were losers. I was angry at the penny for betraying me, until I realized at dinner that it was actually an omen as to how good Lean Pockets really are! Especially when dipped in V-8.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work at a copy shop.  I was disassembling one of the office chairs we had at the computers to take home with me.   My boss comes over and asks me, "What'cha doing?"  I said, "Taking this chair home with me."  He replies with, "Only if you take one apart for me while you're at it!"  Chairs for everyone!    
  theres a game that we play after a few drinks called   "Gimme a smack in da mouf"  something a character on the Jerky Boyz said  Anyhow, one of us will all of a sudden say "Hey, how bout you give me a smack right in da mouf", clench his teeth, jut out his jaw, and one of us will pop him one.  not too hard, just hard enough so it hurts.  Then of course, the Hittee becomes the Hitter, and gets to punch the guy back.  Its great fun, and a barrel of laughs.  I've had it reported to me that once, a group of my friends were doing this at a bar, and the guitarist of the band playing actually came down after his set and asked what they were doing...  "Smacking each other in da mouf!"  "Can I do it?"  He loved it  Yeah!  Its a new sensation!     
  Thus spake the Sys Admin:  "when I got the word that he was leaving, I copied the entire contents of his hard drive onto the network... you know, just in case.  a few months later I loaded up his "bookmarks" file for the hell of it, and I'll tell ya, there were enough porn links to have fired him.  the very first one I opened was incredible -- I didn't know human beings could  do  that."    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  So you know when your bored when you've gone through four hundred channels on TV, at least thirty websites, twelve full rotations of your CD collection, and still the ceiling is the most entertaining aspect of the evening.  
  She was across the dance floor. Dry humping guy #5  (lucky son of a bitch)  to the beat of the thong song.  I carefully manuevered over and sat against the wall facing her. Watching her amazingly hornifying ministrations for about five minutes.  Damn,  thought I, in a thick haze of hormones and the mire of unrequited teenage love,  what a fucking hot ass she's got.  
  I was watching friars club roast to Hugh Hefner and I heard the funniest thing.  This comedian said "We wanted to get Larry Flynt tonight, but nobody wanted to build a ramp"  THAT IS FUCKING LOWBROW  
  My grandmother told me that she would buy me that computer I wanted, if I would quit smoking.  I did get that computer.  Seven years later, I'm still smoking, and that PowerMac is all but worthless.  
  About a year ago I subscribed to a daily e-mail newsletter about environmental news. I haven't read more than a few lines from the thing in all that time, but I haven't unsubscribed from it, and I even put a link to their page from my links page. I just delete it every day.  
  It was my first time in a sex toy shop.  I was looking at a book about penises cause I found them very funny. There was one photo that showed a guy wrinkling his foreskin up at the tip of his penis.  It was captioned "The flower of love" I laughed so hard I shot spit and thin snot all over the page. After realizing what I had done I looked around, closed the book, and put it on it's shelf. I exited inconsipiciously.  I want to see the owner's face when he finds the pages sticking together.  
  i knew i was in a bad motel when i found a bottle of ky jelly in the same drawer as the bible  
  today was a great day. i found $100 on the ground, scored a free gram of great coke, picked up this gorgeous model and blew lines off her stomach, and then had incredible sex with her in a bathroom stall...  ...in actuality, i found a losing lotto ticket on the ground, paid too much for a skimped gram of shitty coke, paid for a prostitute, she blew all my coke and then left me with a hard-on in a bathroom stall...  ...damn how drugs can alter your perception of reality!    
  while temping at a government department, I once had a middle manager explain that after entering each data point, it was important to press the "oak" button.  Yep, the oak button.  he had been saying this to temp after temp after temp and nobody ever corrected him.  poor guy.  it's just sad, oak?  
  I get my Xmas package in the mail and call my mom to thank her. She reminds me not to open them until the 25th. About twenty minutes later she calls me back. "Did I say you could shake them? I meant to say, DON'T shake them. Don't. Okay?" Geez, mom, nice.... shards.   
  One day at work i was selling a used stereo to a man i know, and I, being from a predominently white neighborhood (99.9%), casually used the word "niggerrigged" in reference to a poorly repaired button.At that moment i turned to head to the register and came face to face with a pleasant looking African American gentleman, who gave a polite, friendly smile to pretend he didn't hear it.  But he heard it, he had to.  I've never been so ashamed in all my life. It was the last time I used that word.       
  I read lowbrow just about every day.  Click... click... yey :)  Unfortunately, some of the content would not be deemed appropriate by my parental units.  (only one more year, and then i'm gone...)  For this reason, whenever they walk into the room, I am forced to close the browser window before they see what's onscreen.  I swear they think I have a porn obsession.  They look the other way real quick, like they're afraid they'll catch a glimpse of some chick getting titty-fucked.  No guys, that was last year...   Lowbrow has supplanted my need for porn.  
  Thirty minutes ago I blew my nose into some toliet paper and tossed it into the bowl without flushing.  I just took a piss,  and (being a guy) aimed at the floating paper and tore it up with the stream.  My urine was quite yellow...I need to drink more water.  When I was done,  the yellow urine and the shredded toliet paper looked just like a fucking bowl of egg-drop soup.   
  my last boyfriend would come up with "weekly" fantasies and, of course, being the wonderful girlfriend i was...tried just about everything he desired.  one time, he wanted to cum on my chest...i thought, hey no harm done there, so i agreed to it.  as he was doing his thing, his hand spasmed, causing a shot of sperm to land on my left lens to my glasses...which i normally do not wear when messing around.  that was the day i decided maybe it's best to wear safety goggles after all....  
  Was driving from Miami to Washington, DC and was cruising up I-95 somewhere in North Carolina at 3:00 am, about 13 hours into that drive. Doing about 80 MPH at the time, Judas Priest cranked on the stereo to keep me awake.   Cop pulls around in front of me, slams on the brakes. I almost rear-ended him. We pull over to the side of the road.   He comes over to the window, hand on gunbutt, looking to kick some ass.   "Son", he drawls, "I been following you for 2 miles with the siren going. I was about to shoot out your tires."   "Shit", I think. "Not my fault my stereo is better than your siren." But, one teensy little problem. I didn't think it, I said it.  It was a while before I got back on the road...  
  I don't know how its possible.  It's like they have my desk on camera or something.  It happens about 3 times a day, for god's sake. Every time I have to piss, the janitors are cleaning the fucking bathroom. Maybe I should just start using their mop bucket as a urinal.....  
  last yeay I moved to michigan from georgia, my moms family lives in michigan.  I had been going to my new school for about 2 months when i met this girl and started going out with her, I didnt find out until the family christmas party that she was my cousin  I did my cousin  
  My niece was crying and had a red fluid coming out of her nose.  Upon further inspection, they realized it wasn't blood.  She had a red hot jammed up her nostril.  No wonder she was crying.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Y'know that old people smell? When you're at a retirement home it's hanging in the air, floating around everywhere, sinking into your nostrils and clothing and refusing to leave you alone, making you run outside gasping.  I spilled ice tea on my carpet. I took out some box of rug cleaners my mom gave me and scrubbed the thing down with the first bottle of juice I got in my hand. Now my hands have that old people smell and I can't escape it.  I look at the bottle I used: "For the removal of urine and feces stains."  Oh.  
  Installing network cable in businesses has been my job for quite a while now, and this one place hadn't adopted the non-smoking work environment yet.  I'm on the ladder with my head in the ceiling in the only room with the ashtray, the only room we have to work today.  She's been puffing since we showed up, and I'm not the biggest fan of cigarette smoke, but trying to work through it.  We're almost done when my boss calls up, 'you think we should use the blue patch cables or the white ones?'  And I'm like 'why, what color do they have?'  and he says 'well, they're an off-white tan-ish.'  I said 'the white cables then, and they'll yellow in no time.'  I didn't know that smoker-lady was standing in the corner doing some filing.  
  I just spent 5 minutes looking for a booger that disappeared after a hard snot rocketing.  Dammit. I bet it's on my chin or something.  
  I flew out to California to see her and she wouldn't even talk to me.  I never did find out if she got hepatitis from me sticking her toothbrush up my ass.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at the bus stop with my firend Cathy when this guy who always seemed a little... off... to me approached us and started making really bad jokes.  Him: "How do teddy bears drive?"  Me: "I don't know, dude, how do teddy bears drive?"  He proceeds to wave his hands in front of his face like a showgirl and gives a big smile, revealing his braced yellow teeth.  Cathy and I smile politely and give the connoisseur of comedy a courtesy laugh.  Inside I'm wishing I had the balls to push him into traffic.  
  After a party one night this girl decided that she wanted to have a little fun with me.  I had zero interest but she insisted on pawing at my chest, pushing me down on the couch and sticking her tongue into my mouth - I was too drunk and lazy to resist.  I twisted my head from side to side trying to keep her from kissing me and she finally got the point.  "What's the matter?" she asked.  "I don't want to have sex with you," I replied.  "Neither do I. I just want to kiss," she said.  I thought about this for a second before saying, "Well, I only kiss girls I'm planning to fuck."  That got her off me pretty quick.  
  Once, well more than once but this one specific incident, a female I was "with" had 7 orgasms in one session, and had the nerve to be pissed off when I didn't have one, deciding to roll over and take a smoke and a breather. How the tables they turn!         
  I was walking upstairs to check on my 14 year old brother, to see if he was asleep. I open the door, and to my horror, there he was, wide awake, treating his body like an amusement park. I shut the door as fast as possible.   What the hell do you do in this situation?   Obviously we're both embarrassed...he flew out of the room like 5 minutes later all frantic and tried to play it off like i didn't catch him beating it.   The only thing I could think to say to maybe have him think I didn't see it was, "Dude, I'm sorry I walked in while you were scratching your BALLS!"   I think I'll knock next time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after getting our supper at mcdonalds,   my g/f and i, parked on the side of the road in front of the local high school, 8pm, smoked a huge joint.  bright headlights heading our way all of a sudden, i figure it's just some local, driving home, but how wrong was i?   police car turns around pulls up behind us, i was scrambling, put the joint out, hiding my stuff, told my g/f to take everything out of the side pocket of my bag and throw it deep under the seat.   officer walks up to my window, i roll it down, "Hi sir, do you want my license?" i stupidly ask... He says,"What's that smell?"   "Uh, what smell?"  "Step out of the car please"  He searches me, finds a tissue in my pocket filled with seeds and stalks from the weed we just smoked.  "May we search your car?"  "yes sure officer..."  "Do you have anything else?"  "no sir"  "Are you sure??"  "yes"  They don't find anything, until he looks in my bad and finds the fat bankie in the side pocket.  "Oh, SHIT, I forgot that was there!"  So we get arrested, off to the police station, g/f in tears, wait 3 hours, they try to scare me by giving me a tour of the holding cells, you know the deal. Eventually, three hours later... they take us to each of our parents houses and tell them the story, and we're let off with a warning.  Getting home that night,   I realise that there's nothing worse than an ice cold big mac.     
  I work in a restaurant kitchen.  Everytime the cooks ring the bell to tell the waitresses that their food is ready to go out, they always come busily bustling in.   Ding-ding, 2 seconds later, here they come.  "Is that me?"  Always willing to see the humor in life, I just think about Pavlov...        
  "Jason, what are you doing in there??" My Mom inquires through the bathroom door as I am shaving my chest.  "Um...uh...masturbating."  
  her: so, you seeing anyone? me: not exactly me: i slept w/ a married woman the other day, does that count?  
  at a friend's house for a party, some dumpy chick he met online has shown up, and he and her disappear...  we all know he's really into anal...  loud moaning, screams, etc. escape his room for the next two hours...  suddenly, a few moments of silence, followed by a deafening "THAT'S MY ASS"...  we laughed for hours...  
  She told me she wanted me to pull out before I came so she could taste her ass.   Then she wants me to stick my tongue in her mouth after her ass and my semen have filled it.   I am thrust into a conundrum of Roman Empire proportions. I want to fuck her ass and come in her mouth, but I don't want to taste it after.  This is porn star stuff. Do I want to intorduce a girl, whose sexual proclivities are on par with a porn star, to my mom.   Will she be kissing our kids with that mouth?  
  i posted a while back about my friend demanding all his best men grow mullets for his wedding. i thought mine was going alright, but after 5 months it seems that the back of my hair has ceased it's growth. the rest is pretty fucking long, though. so i asked him and his fiancee if i could cut it into a 9 inch mohawk instead. she said she would have to check with her mom, but that patty is all for mohawks, so it should be fine, as long as i make it red or blue or something. the groom's uncle is a vietnam vet so they're going to drive down to illinois in a van to pick up mass quantities of tax free liquor. that's gonna be one great fucking wedding.  
  You ever pass out on a free standing stool with a drink in your hand for like six hours and then wake up and the drink is still intact, slightly bent so that sweet sweet alcohol is hanging on the rim of the glass, yet not a drop is spilt?  Jesus why am I not a fucking millionaire.  
  somewhere in the middle of nowhere, south dakota......  five large men shooting pool trying to play get-im-drunk-and-take-im-home with myself and my friend sarah (hah! we're already way too drunk for that, joke's on them!).....  one of them is wearing these chilli-pepper chefs pants, loud, very obnoxious, I zero in on my target.....  "No, I don't want to get IN  your pants, I want you to GIVE ME your pants....."  so close. he had them 'twixt his ankles before he chickened out.   
  Catholicism is great if you can afford it. They even give you free wine every Sunday, but they tell you it's blood so you don't chug it.        
  Are those "expecting mother" parking signs enforced by law?  Damn, those are good parking spots.  
  An unexpected moment of joy -   Listening to my boss' 70+ year old father talk about the joys of taking his 'poontang boat' out onto the lake.  I kept asking him questions, just so he'd keep saying it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember my dad standing over me while I was on my knees puking in the toilet after my first bout with hard liquor........"Son, they can make it faster than you can drink it."    
  Sometimes when I go for runs, I go into this little wooded trail that overlooks an open area. Down in the open area, lots of moms and kids go to play.  If I see a yummy mommy from the trail, I like to take out my meat and beat it right there. I guess there's just something about a woman who can push something of that volume through her pussy. It gets me hard.  Public masturbation - gotta love it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My girlfriend and I are planning on having a threesome with another woman next week.  (Woo, my first threesome ever!)  This is exceptionally lowbrow because we'll be doing it in my parents' bed.  Yes, really.  Because, you see, my bed is way too small for that sort of thing, as my girlfriend casually observed the other night.  "No threesomes in your bed," my girlfriend began...  "Unless it's with a midget!" we both finished at the same time.  That's when I knew it was love.  
  don't you hate it when you're beasting off to ESPN aerobics and just as you're about to blow your load they go to commercial...  not only that but a commercial for the world's strongest man competition   and THEN someon walks in on you   ...try explaining that one in a couple of muffled grunts  
  once i told a co-worker, who caught me looking up her skirt at a staff meeting. it's not if i see the promised land,  it's  looking for it that counts.  
  i slept with two brothers in two weeks, and they were both virgins. and neither of them knew about the other    
  I have fine tuned my windows desktop scheme to please almighty Lowbrow.  May we be blessed in syncopated clicking forever, Amen.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         evolution i remember walking into the plow and the stars in cambridge a well heeled gent with pain in his voice playing a steel hollow body he slept on the night before sang ccrider like leadbelly had invaded his soul for one more show a fruitfly floated in my warm blackandtan as  the sun attempted to cut a beam through the smoke of handrolled drums and camel no filters swaying slightly on the ass polished bar stool praying at the altar of redemption for the alcohol forlorn that was twelve years ago last time i was in there it was wall to wall black turtlenecks and tiny glasses gitane or gauloise designer smoke long island chicks who whined about dancing and a crowd of posers who couldnt hold a tune no less pry a feeling from the drivel they attempted to play and people clapped when i finally did get to the bar and asked for a pint the tender read the menu  coorslight i am outta here    
  I found a crack pipe on the news-stand in the 24hr. Mohawk that I work in. It's kinda the Ghetto....  What I wanna know is what the fuck was a crackhead doing by the magazine rack? Most crackheads I know couldn't bother reading to save thier lives.  New breed of crackhead? I'll let you decide...  
  "I'm used to men looking at me that way," said the upstairs coke-skank to me as she moved the last of her evicted ass's stuff out of her apartment. Oh really?  I thought. My girlfriend cleaned out your apartment.  Aside from your fucking toilet (how you ever sat you ass on that shit (literally) is quite beyond me) how about the cat shit she found on the floor?  It is fucking april.  You haven't had a cat since november.  I won't even comment further on the fleas/strange stains/general filth. "I'm used to men looking at me that way," What, like we wanna vomit? Jesus, Michelle. Clean up your act/ass.  
  asian men have smaller penises, but that's okay because they are much more willing to go down on you.  
  Years ago, I had a horrible boss who was also a disgusting immoral human being with a huge expense account.    At Christmas time, he gave me a humor book entitled, "Don't Let Turkeys Get You Down."  Then he fired me.  It was the only fond memory I had of the guy.       
  In high school, there was a guy that I used to fight every week, but he and I could never get the better of each other. We really didn't hate each other; we just had to fight.  Cut to five years later: I'm home on leave from the Army, with my fiancee, to get married. We're driving down the street and who should I see but Steve, walking by the side of the road. I pull off, throw the car in "park," and jump out. My fiancee yells, "Where are you going?!" I didn't answer. I walked up to him and said, "Hey, Steve! Remember me? I'm _______!" BOOM! We started fighting, rolling over and over in the dirt and grass, pounding the hell out of each other. Finally, we'd both had enough and we fell back on the grass, both of us bleeding, out of breath, and laughing our balls off. I got up, pulled him to his feet, we shook hands, and went our separate ways. I hope I see him at the next reunion... (I've been working out and I've gained about fifteen pounds of muscle.)  
  so i'm out with this married guy who's in my city for a two-day business trip.  We chat about marriage and he says he's never cheated on his wife during his 8-year marriage.  Half an hour later he's trying to stick his tongue down my throat. I tell him that it's not going to happen, and then I get nasty.  "You just cheated on your wife and you didn't even get sex out of it. how does that make you feel?"  He starts philosophising about morals and marriage and i go  'You're just philosophising to take away the hurt, aren't you?'  that's when he slaps me.  married men suck.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife's younger sister and I have never really had a good relationship. She's like 12 and I tease her, maybe a little too much. Anyway, I had an extra ticket to a hockey game. As I'm trying to decide which of my friends I'll take, my wife asks that I take her sister, to try and build some sort of relationship. OK. The night goes well, we have a good time, laughing, joking and all. At the end of the night, she turns and says, "If you ever have an extra ticket, you can always ask me!" I quickly respond with "Who are you kidding? The only reason why you're here is because Heather asked me to take you! You've got to hope Mitch or Justin are busy!"  I felt kinda bad. But not really.  
  yeah so i wore the same pair of boxers for like 3 days cause i was too lazy to do laundry and i'll be damned at the skidmarks it left but in all fairness its my own damn racetrack, so i'll do whatever i want  
  I just read about some guy saying "how many people have the balls to wank off at a urinal" and it reminded me of the time I was at the bathroom in a strip club, and I noticed the guy at the urinal right next to the sink, in a full red jogging suit, jerking off in the urinal.  I washed my hands and left as soon as possible. But that incident reminded me of how my friend once told me that she got on the bus once, and sat next to a guy in a full red jogging suit.  And as she sat down, the guy stuck his hand down his pants and proceed to jerk off. These two incidents happened years apart.  Now this brings two questions to my mind: 1) Do some guys really feel the need to jerk off so bad that they cant't wait till they get home and do it, like normal people. 2) Does this guy always wear his jogging suit when he plans to masturbate in public, or was it just a happy coincidence  
  You know it's time to start eating right when you sit down for a shit, start pissing, and realize that you're not actually pissing. That's coming from your ass.   
  i have tremendous respect for sorry e e, and he gets mega-bonus points for having used "phenomenological" but i still think unluckybastard13 is my favorite.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sophomore in high school. Bart asked me if I wanted to go hunting. Told me to get my dad's .22 semi. Sounded fun so I did and we went.   He couldn't shoot this squirrel that was bounding around in the tops of some trees. Then I hit it. When it came down he told me (hey, whatthehell did I know?) that once it was hit, I needed to grab its body cavity and, with the instep in its head and neck, twist the fucking body cavity off. (He really believed this, btw.)  I tried. Repeatedly. I couldn't do it. He was chicken to try. Squirrel blood was all over my hands and coat, with a brite healthy serving pasted all across my jeans, from the knees down.   I said, 'Stand back.' I emptied about 15 rounds into that squirrel. Never hunted since. It was awful, but not as much as what I then did with it.  Drove back from Langleyville into Pawnee. For some unknown reason only available during adolescence, I put the carcass on the doorstep of our Pizza Hut.   
  About two years ago I was with this girl for a few months, and was really starting to dig her.  One night we were meeting at the bar we frequented.  She came in and ran up to me, lovingly wrapping her arms around my neck, looked deep into my eyes and said, "I think I've met the man of my dreams."   I remember saying to myself "you are the man!"   Then she turned from me grabbed my drink and says, "His name is Jeff, and I'm going to move in with him down in Kansas City. Thanks for the drink, it's been real fun."  I hate that girl.  
   nothing stops an irate mother from knocking the freckles off her kid than a quick however untrue statement like  im from the department of children youth and families  and a pen and pad with some scribble on it switch to decaf take more xanax but if i see you smack that kid one more time i might just beat your ass in front of him to show you how it feels not very humane  i know she was probably beaten herself but i just cant stand watching that shit      
  In response to j-love's Moby moment:  A friend of mine used to work for this Hip-Hop website, so she got backstage at all the concerts she wanted.  She tells me Moby was a huge loser growing up and couldn;t get laid, and now that he's famous he gets groupies by the dozenand he's always really excited about it in a loser sort of way.  Moby goes into a room with several girls and comes back out a little while later.  My friend is but one of many people in a line of drunken music fans on the couches and tables.  Moby walks over to every single one, including her, stuffs his fingers into their faces, and tells them to smell.  
  Somehow I wound up in the kitchen with all the other wives, and the discussion turned to music videos. They began to vigorously denounced Brittany Spears and all her slutty ways, trashy clothing, and indecent appearance, going on and on about how she was corrupting the youth of America, degrading their morals, etc ad nauseum. "But wouldn't you just kill to have a body like that?" I asked.  The chorus of OH HELL YEAH! rang out like a bell unanimously.  
  wow said he i really wrote that frozen he couldnt click another moment damn i hope no one knows that was me cos id be fucked balls of iron in anonymity shatter in the shudder of a leaked identity         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I probably should have mentioned that I was only eight when my dad told me about his former occupation as KFC-runner for his pothead friends.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         something that i dont think many people have done...  when i was in 9th grade, i had a REALLY boring english class. The teacher was so bad and boring, even SHE fell asleep sometimes. I usually say in the back of the room, and kept to myself, unless she gave me a chance to say something funny, which kinda happened alot. Well, one day im in the back of the room, and she is teaching us about some shit, going on and on about nothing. so i decide that i want to masterbate right then and there. so i work up an erection, and i just start goin at it, and if anyone looks my direction, i just stop and pretend like i am paying attention. So about five minutes go by, and i cum in my pants. it was kinda weird cuz so many people were in the room, but it still felt great. then, when class was over, i got up and walked out like nothing happened.    
  he told me the conversation they'd had when i'd gotten up to get cash to take a cab home. "you seem kinda bummed, are you ok?" "are you fucking her?" "would it bum you out if i was?" he said at that point i came back to the table. it's disheartening to know that my relationships with otherwise cool people are completely dependant on who i am or am not 'fucking'. and i know it took longer than three lines of conversation for the cash machine to give me my money.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         lowbrow would be recording a video of yourself on your webcam jerking off just so you can cumshot quality with all the other porn out there...  ...not...of course...that I've ever done this.  
  after returning from one of the best outdoor raves I'd ever been to, a mate gave me a lift home, whereupon I passed out pretty much spontaniousley.  after staying up for around 30 hours, consuming around 5 little white wonders, smoking copious quantities of skunk, and drinking my way through around eight or nine cans of beer, I staggered around trying to find my way back to the car.  all of this took days to piece together from my fragmented memory.  anyway,  I woke up the next morning in a huge puddle of piss!  I can only assume that I was unconscious for at least 8 hours, after being out for the count for 16!  what a shock. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that when we moved house in a few months, no-one would be staying, and whoever had my room when I moved out would never meet me anyway!  so, I cleared it up as much as I could and turned the matress over.  two weeks before I move out:  "Oh by the way, we're keeping the house.."  SHIIIT!  My least favourite housemate decided to move all of his friends in to our house.  Here's the strange part.  For some reason, my fuzzy logic decided it was best to deal with this by making the stain on the matress SO bad that they couldn't possibly think it was me.  after all the room was pretty shoddy anyway.  deny all knowledge! yeahh.  so I spilled bong water over the stain to hide the zingy smell, and ironed it dry,which burned and tore the fabric.  ?  !  what the fuck was I thinking?   this not only started a tidal wave of laughter which still echoes around the city till this day, but also ruined my chances of EVER scoring with a woman in this sad little place.  2 things to remember:  never underestimate how low other peoples views of you can be  (I used to think that I was my harshest critic, -turns out my friends are.......-I wasn't even in the top twenty)  If you do something worth while and positive, it takes weeks for recognition,-  but its truly amazing how many people you've never met suddenly know exactly who you are when you fuck up!  oh well, what doesn't kill me can only make me stonger  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               While in the Army, I met up with this dude in the hallway and made a bet that I could do two pushups for each one he did.  He proceded to do 45 pushups.  I then got down on the floor and did 2 pushups.  I got back up, and he took a swing at me.  His nose is now bent to the right.  
  We got drunk last night, on a Tuesday, because we're scared we won't get into grad school. Got totally plastered, flirted with the bartender, and repeated drunkenly, "Love is a dangerous angel" over and over. Made her promise not to let me call my mom drunk. Man, I'll miss these days. ~puck~  
  Remember those mid-nineties Anti-Drug / Just Say No television commercials?  I keep thinking about that one where a teenage girl on a playground in the ghetto is explaining how smoking pot hasn't effected her memory.  "I've been getting high since... since..." (she can't remember).        That actually fucking happened to me the other day.  Posed with the question of how long I had been smoking for, I was stumped.  For just a moment, I was that little black girl on the playground.  
  One sunday, I woke up with my feet in a cow.  Star Wars-reenactments can be so weird sometimes.  
  when you hear quote i ll laugh my ass if when i see you in two pairs of pants sleeping under my truck while chris is lying in the rain in the road in his skivies endquote what do you say really questionmark        
  When I lived in Chicago, a friend and I ditched our high school assembly to smoke.  It was a freezing-ass cold December, and so windy we could barely light up.  An old van was parked nearby, so we ran to it and tried the doors.  Unlocked!  We climbed inside and smoked for an hour, praising the kind, careless soul who had left his doors unlocked so we could escape the bitter wind.  Before we went back, my friend left him a dollar.  I hope he used it for something nice... like one of those little evergreen tree air fresheners.  
  My friend told me that his new girlfried said that she takes it in the ass, but only if she has been drinking wine.  Last night she was drinking wine.  
  So she says, put your your hands in that prayer pose.  So I do.  Then turn them upside down. So I do.  It doesn't really hurt, so it must not be carpal tunnel syndrome.  I tell her that seems like an intriguing way to beat off.  She ignores me.  
  From another post: "Orgasm, Shmorgasm. Never once in the course of the over-rated banana-stabbing act have I been moved to anything but yawning and glancing at the clock. -- gumbygirl@doyee.com"  Dear gumbygirl: Before you give it up for good, just once try a guy with a penis instead of using a banana.      
  I was driving by a trailer park the other day when I saw a sign on a trailer that said "House for sale" I had a muttering laugh as I chuckled "House...."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So here I was, picking my nose and reading lowbrow. So the crusty booger falls into the keyboard and I look at it for a while. In defense, my keyboard is already really sticky, and I did not need more junk stuck in there. So I decide I need to get it out.  There was only one way.  I sucked it out.  
  So my brother walks to the bus stop (it's about 1 1/2 miles away) at 5:00am every morning.  So one day he walks there, gets to the bus stop and has this god aweful horrible stomach ache. Tells his friend he is going home and starts heading home.  About half of the way home, he recognizes this sort of stomach ache. It's not so much a stomach ache as it is a GI ache. So he runs between these two houses, ready to squat and take a shit and the auto-sensing floodlights flip on. He screams and runs away.  A few minutes later he finds another house..sneaks to the side of it, and lays a wretched soft-serve shit right in their garden. Luckily enough the garden had Elephant ears growing in it. So he ripped one of those off and wiped his ass with it.  I could only begin to imagine the look of the home owner's faces when they went to water their garden.  The end.  
  i just spent the last three hours watching my cat eat a possum's head. God sundays bore me  
   Love Shining Eternal  (not my moment -- Bob Dylan's)  Before:  Oh, the farmers and the businessmen, they all did decide To show you the dead angels that they used to hide. But why did they pick you to sympathize with their side? Oh, how could they ever mistake you? They wished you'd accepted the blame for the farm, But with the sea at your feet and the phony false alarm, And with the child of the hoodlum wrapped up in your arms, How could they ever, ever persuade you? Sad-eyed lady of the lowlands, Where the sad-eyed prophet says that no man comes, My warehouse eyes, my Arabian drums, Should I leave them by your gate, Or, sad-eyed lady, should I wait?  During:  Sara, Sara, so easy to look at, so hard to define Sara, Sara, sweet virgin angel, sweet love of my life Sara, Sara, radiant jewel, oh mystical wife Staying up for days in the Chelsea Hotel Writing "Sad-Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands" for you   After:  Well, he didn't write any songs about it (he wrote "Blood On The Tracks" instead), and the divorce and custody battle was  so  nasty that the court records were sealed, but there are reliable reports that at one point, Sara Dylan ("beautiful angel, sweet love of my life"), her plans foiled by the fact that her husband had hired guards to walk the children to school, kidnapped them at gunpoint right in their classroom. She later got sole custody.  
  Believe me, there is NOTHING in the world that will piss your ex girlfriend off more than sleeping with her little sister. I've managed to pull of that trick on three separate ex's.  Revenge has never been sweeter.   
  Mike: Are you single because you have that thing for joel?  Justine: naw. because I'm lame.  Mike: blingbling        
  Christmas time..I look over at my manager at the other end of the counter a good 15 feet away.  I yell "Were your kids upset when they found out there was no Santa??!!" She looks at me with horror, and i hear a small cry from behind me, in the toy section of our store....  
  our first kiss couldn't have been under stranger circumstances.  her mother was sleeping in the room.  her brother was sleeping in the room.  three of my friends were sleeping in the room.  another one of my friends was very much awake in the room.  we were sleeping in the same bed.  i kissed her, and she proceeded to grab my face and stick her tongue in my mouth.  i distinctly remember thinking "don't people usually brush their teeth before going to bed?".  what the fuck did she eat that night?  
  When you were a little kid you had sex with the bed.  Now you are grown up and you know how to masturbate.   But "Mommy says masturbation is the seed of the devil."  Fuck them.  Go MASTURBATE.  LIVE a life of masturbation, because soon you will be having sex with a dog.       
  Friday night I had drunk sex with this one guy...finishing with good ol' anal   Then Saturday I had sex with some other guy who liked to hit it from behind while I called him big daddy  Then Sunday there was that dude who came over and ate me out for hours and hours  Man I feel sorry for that poor bastard who came over on Sunday.  
   Pickup Lines That Will Work, In Time  Doesn't happen that often, but a neatly-turned out stranger sits down alone next to me in the BrewPub. I'm the least-threatening looking guy in the world. We quickly get to talking about cooking. (You think I carry a cookbook around because I like to read recipes?) Really interesting lady. The conversation turns to other things, like she's recently divorced. We agree about the necessity for some "lonely time" after a major relationship ends, and just how tough it is. Really nice connection. I ask for my check, turn back: "I must say, I've really enjoyed talking to you!" She's pleased: "Thank you!" Me: "Could I just possibly invite you out?" She, suddenly wary: "Eh -- I'm seeing someone..." Oh good -- I hate being the poor Rebound Chump. Me: "That's OK -- I'm not the jealous type." She looks more wary. Me: "I'm just joshing you. Do you think I'd enjoy your guy's company? And he mine?" She, confused: "Eh, well yes, you probably would...?" Me: "Great! Could I invite you over for dinner?" She: "Both of us? That would be really nice! Thank you!" Me: "Excellent! When you next see your guy, though, check that he doesn't smell a little like dead meat." She loves it, laughing and pawing at my sleeve. I can tell she thinks she's going to enjoy watching this. I could tell her it won't be that much fun. I'm not a sadist -- it'll be quick and painless.  
  Sitting in the BrewPub, right up against the stage, listening to a great 3-piece group. I've talked to them before, presuming to give them advice. They seemed to really appreciate it. The skinny female singer does a solo. She uses her own voice when she's singing duets, and it's wonderful. But when she solos, she imitates Stevie Nicks. They're ambitious, but they're never going to break out of being a cover band unless she uses her own voice. My ride is leaving, right now. Me: "Hold on a minute -- I just want to talk to the blonde..." He, over his shoulder, on the way out the door: "Of course you do..."  
  i go to a community college.  It's cheap and I didn't have grades to go anywhere else.    So 2 semesters ago I saw this guy that was in his early 40s wearing a shirt that said "I'm on the 12 year program." At 1st I laughed. Then I realized he wasn't lying.  Then I realized he really was on the 12 year program.    Then I look at myself. I've been going for 5 semesters and I still don't have a fucking clue when I'm going to graduate.  
  Last weekend, I went down on my friend, the lesbian single mom.  She had an itch that needed a good scratch.  It is good to do favours for your friends.  
  Once, I went to a Chinese resturant, and I had forgotten my glasses, but I was afraid to squint to read the menu because I didn't want them thinking I was making fun of them.         
  two homeless men bashed each other senselessly on berkeley in boston breaths angry puffs in a struggle over a greasy brown bag one crashed the other falling he lifelessly reliquishing the sack eyeing me defensively he jammed his dirty paw into his drooling gape spitting black sludge shrieking he yeeled to me  it serves me right         
  My buddy and I unexpectedly drop in on a drop-dead gorgeous friend of mine for a few days.    Turns out she now has a boyfriend, AND their apartment is being redone.  We have a nice evening anyway, then my buddy and I camp out on the floor of the room they're using in the meantime.  About 1am, I wake to find I have a massive boner, but I also hear muffled giggling: She and her man are getting it on as quietly as they can.  My hand, my spittle, and my imagination happily join in ...  Next morning, over breakfast:  she says: "You won't believe me, but after everybody was asleep last night, Giovanni and I made love."  I say: "I wasn't asleep"  She says: "I know"       
  About a month after breaking up with my serious girlfreind of 2 years, i saw her at a party in my hometown.  I preceeded to drink way more than I can hold as usual, and at the end of the night I was completly blacked out.  I woke up in a wet couch and my ex sleeping on the hard floor,  "Im sorry, here have the couch, get some good sleep"  "Ummm no thanks, you pissed all over it."  "oh my god did i really?"  "yeah and i was in it"  only thing i could do was laugh.  bought her lunch that day.  She forgave me.  I guess spending $8 at freindlys on a girl can make up for a unwanted drunken golden shower. Huh.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up in someone else's apartment, naked, on the floor, surrounded by half-empty beer bottles that have cigarette butts floating in them, your head lying in a pizza box that has half a slice left, and you're two hours late for your first day at work. Oh well... Might as well finish off the beers and the pizza...  
  What's this whole oxycontin thing about?  When I heard about all of those kids ODing & robbing pharmacies for this shit   I thought it was terrible.  Not the kids, but that I had no desire to seek out & try the new drug on the block.    
   His expression was priceless when he asked, and when the question came I understood the complexity of the four year old mind,I felt sad for I was reminded of the great Joy of Discovery that even I had once known, all of this found in a four year old child's simple question:   "Does Chewbacca have ears?"        
  the worst thing about having a roommate in a college dorm is that you have to plan out when you can masturbate without getting caught  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my roommates and i (three guys plus me, the token girl) go out barhopping. our goal? to each bring someone home, then compete for orgasms.   (backstory: we have a little chalkboard on the back of our bathroom door for weekends for just this purpose.)  well, three of us succeed in getting fuckworthy people over for the night.   (to his credit, our fourth housemate went home with a rather nice lady, but the points only count if they're scored in the house)  so the three of us are doing our things. in our rooms.  and after each time, we all race to the bathroom to chalk one up.  now, i'm way ahead at this point immediatley preceeding the lowbrow moment. (i've got three, the others have two each). well, i'm drunk, i'm proud and i'm competitive.  so i start knocking on doors to add a new rule. we called up all the partners and told them they could add their orgasms to our totals. the guy i was with stepped up and proudly marked three slashes. neither of the girls stepped up.   of course, my roommates are flabbergasted, seems these girls were pretty good actresses. my roommates are determined to increase their scores, now we're competing for partner-orgasms.  interesting how nobody else put points on the board all night.  and now you know why i don't fuck my housemates.  
  someone said that they hate it when they poop and cold water splashes up into their asshole.   someone disagreed and said that they liked it when they pooped and cold water splashed up into their asshole because it was refreshing and cleaner than a wipe.   then someone said to think about where that water is coming from. said they don't want it in their asshole.   I say well hey, the water is shitwater, and that shit came out of your asshole, so when that water splashes back up in your asshole it's just returning home, like a natural cycle. not a foreign object, just someone returning to their home.    
  When I was growing up, every fall, the neighborbood would smell of hickory smoke and Slovenian kolbassi as the local sausage-ateers went into action and fired up their smoke houses.  We had a cat named Mitzi.   One time Mitzi disappeared for over two weeks.  I was distraught and was beginning to accept the fact that Mitzi had probably been run over by a car and would never return.  One night, Mitzi returned.   She was covered in soot, smelled of kolbassi and was about ten pounds heavier than when she left two weeks ago.  I've never seen a happier cat in my life.  Life was good at that moment.       
  My friend and I were going on a early morning drive for a booty call. My friend ended up taking a turn to fast and losing control of her car, crashing it into the center cement divider of the highway. We were dressed in our pajamas, no underwear underneath and just our jackets over top and wearing slippers and sandals. A truck driver passing by at 4:30 in the morning was kind enough to call 911 for us. The ambulance showed up first and made sure we weren't seriously hurt (which thank goodness we weren't. WEAR YOUR SEATBELT PEOPLE!) They waited with us till the cop showed up. As we were standing there, the cop after writing up the report looked at us and said, "I hesitate to ask where you ladies were headed at this hour."  We weren't about to tell him we were headed to this guy's house to have a threesome, yet the cop was nice enough to drive us to the guy's house since we had no other way to get home or to his place.  We got to the guy's house, where we had our fun, and then he drove us both home.  The cop and later on the insurance place (in our statements) never did find out why we were headed where we were headed to. We thought it better to leave out the booty call in our statements.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to take a lot of LSD.  One night, I decided that my good friend was stealing my thoughts. I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that my only recourse was to kill him in broad daylight. Of course, later that night I calmed down.  I decided to confront him about first, like a civilized human being.   
  so my girl said she didn't like the new cologne, but i wasn't going to argue, it had been free.  i thought it smelled pretty good.  so i said, "i don't know what you're talking about.  i'd fuck a guy wearing Tommy."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Greyhounding it across the country in January, the whole freeway was shut down because of a blizzard.  We were in a tiny town in Nebraska with two hotels and a Burger King. All the rooms were immediately taken, but the people in Burger King were kind enough to let us stay there. It was one of those with the cool kids playground areas. About five of us spent the night in the that big play thingy with the plastic chambers connected by tubes and slides. We each had our own "apartment" and slept very well.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wear toric contacts.  These things are expensive.  Even the disposable ones cost a bundle.   so today i put in brand new ones.  They are supposed to last a month. he came in my eye dammit  
  in the southern hemisphere, i watched my "sewer babies" go down the drain clockwise.  
  (in reference to another moment) gunboy, you think you've seen puss...? i've got you beat... your under-skin zit stands no chance... have you ever had a staph infection? i did, in my kneecap. it burst at a friend's graduation party. his mom tried to be motherly and help me out. she got about 2 feet from my knee and began vomitting. in front of many. it was white with some blood in it, and squeezing all of it out is still among my most impressive accomplishments. know this: enough puss to cover my shin and almost completely saturate my sock.  
  So our class trip to Rome is almost over, were at the airport waiting to board.  I quickly run to the airport bar and gulp down too much tequila.   20 minutes Later, I'm walking down the jetway and a security guard stops me and says, "have you accepted or picked up any mysterious baggage?"   I say, "YES."  And that's where the shit hit the fan...  
  I didn't think I was masturbating that long... But when I pulled my finger out, it was prune-y.   
  I sincerely think that adding a reload button on the Lowbrow T-shirts should greatly improve their interactive quality.  Especially so if it were placed strategically on the left breast (since most people are right-handed)  
  so i'm watching this show about beavers (the animals, you degenerates) on the discover channel and it turns out that beavers can't digest their food properly on one pass through the system.  so they eat tree bark, crap it out, eat their own dung, and carp it out again.  i don't think i believe in evolution anymore.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Driving With Dave #2  Double date with Dave and his NEW girlfriend, my girl and I are in the backseat. His girl has been giving him hell about his driving for the past ten minutes. On a long, straight stretch of road, he yanks on the steering wheel. It comes off of the column. He hands it to her and says, "Fine! You wanna drive?!" The screaming and blind panic that ensued were too hilarious. Dave popped the steering wheel back on the column and the rest of the ride was in silence.  
   Last Call On Cocaine   So I just snorted up my half of the eightball with Christy in one line.  We've now finished all the coke for the night.  She looks at me and says  "There aren't any boogers in my nose, and I don't care how nasty this is or what you think."  And proceeds to jam her fingers up her nose and wipe it out, and lick them.  I figured what the hell and also proceeded to dig for white gold.  Hey, my nose was complete cocaine after a date with over a quarter ounce cocaine, so I feel slightly justified.  Just slightly.    At least I wasn't the one who ate the ashes of the coke cigarette hoping to find some burnt cocaine.  
  He was 72 years old. Been working for the company for years and years and finally the company retired him. He came back as a contractor. He said, "Just didn't have enough to do."  And, I thought, "Poor bastard."  
  In the '70s, the father of this guy I used to know was in college.  He slept with lots of chicks, & one of them gave him crabs.  He tried everything to get rid of them but couldn't.  One day, he tried spraying his crotch with Raid.  The only thing that actually worked, go figure.  A word to the wise, however:  judging from his kid, genital contact with Raid does some scary shit to your sperm.  
  It defintely made the list of the weirdest days of my life.  500 miles in seven and a half hours (including an hour and a half spent in disgusting truck stops on I-81 in various places I would term politely as Bumblefuck, Pennsylvania, USA), driving far faster than was safe, practical or necessary, but all the same, having a blast and a half.  An eclectic mix of bands provides for filler to the awkward silences caused by the inevitable weirdness of the situation.  Dinner at a Cafe in a strange part of a stranger town, root beer and water spilled all over the place, and a mid-meal dash to the car for a change of clothes.  A quiet evening with a weird movie on the couch in the basement of an oddly furnished house.  Questions posed and never answered.  Throughout the day, a conversation between two people whenever the third stepped out of earshot, in an attempt to make clear that which wasn't.  Conversation unfinished as yet.  And at the end of a long day - conventions challenged, the meaning of a puzzling situation reconsidered, and an odd feeling of being highly unsettled in a situation in which I formerly felt perfectly secure.  This is what comes from driving from Rochester to Washington with two guys and a girl in a 97 Honda Accord.  
  A new year's party, end of 2000. About 100+ people in a moderately sized house. Full bar set up down in the basement, the host spared almost no expense.   I was up, up on the very top floor, the "illegal substances" floor. I was patiently waiting for someone to spark a bowl, but all that was going on was cocaine.   Coke coke coke. Nothing but.  Cocaine does not work on me, I figure it must be some strange brain chemistry thing, but all coke does is plug up one of my nostrils and give me a mild headache for a few minutes.  So I sat and watched these folk do up their lines, asking if anyone had any weed to smoke.    "Naw man, but we got coke, man. you want some coke, man?"   I declined every offer.  When they all went downstairs to get more booze in their coked-up mania, I followed, but not before I took 10 seconds to pocket the $10, $20 and $50(!) dollar bills that were rolled up ealier and laid on the snorting table.  I let that single $1 bill stay.  I came out of that party quite a few dollars ahead and wondering what could posess anyone to roll up a $50 dollar bill just to snort some coke.  My guess is that it was some sort of display of wealth designed to impress the other cokesters, or some similar deal.  Anyhow, I guess it worked because I was so impressed I had to take home souvenirs...  My logic says people like that don't deserve money.   
  So there I was, just having eaten a cheese omelette that was probably undercooked, starting my half of a mile trek from the cafeteria to Japanese class.  1/4 mile: "Oh shit, I need to take a dump."  1/3 mile: "Ok, just loosen your belt.  Breathe deep.  Tighten your legs.  Squeeze your cheeks.  Walk faster.  Breathe, breathe, breathe."  2/5 mile: "Oh fuck."  It feels good for an instant, but the splat I hear from the excess shit that leaked from the inside of my denim shorts hitting the pavement makes me realize that I, 19 years old and in college, have just shit my pants.  In broad daylight.  I look at the soft, green brown putrid pile and see if the girl behind me saw.  She didn't (I think).  At the Japanese building: I go to the bathroomg, wipe things like crazy, and leave about half a roll's worth of soiled toilet paper in the toilet.  I wrap my soiled boxer shorts in about five layers of one-ply toilet paper and stuff it into my backpack.  I walk home going commando in my denim shorts, my dick chafing against my metal zipper the whole way.  At home I ended up tossing the soiled boxers since I do my laundry on the weekends.  I saw the place where the shit was two days later.  Strangely it looked cleaner than the surrounding areas.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I get teased A LOT at home, because I fall asleep with my hands in my pants.  I am not fingering myself or anything, I'm just touching absentmindedly.    The funny part is, my boyfriend says that I'm just like Ted Bundy.  Sure hope he means Al Bundy.  
   Meeting Ithaca Women Through The Personals #6   We talked on the phone a few times before we decided to meet.  She asked: "What do you like to do?"  I said: "Sailing.  I love sailing."  Not being familiar with my Scottish accent, she heard "sealing."  She imagined me clubbing the brains out of big-eyed baby seals for fun and profit.  She decided she'd deal with that later, and went on to the next topic.   
  When I was in highschool I would jerk it every night.  I always used a tissue to either cum into or clean myself off with.  I would stick the tissue under my mattress or under my bed.  I probably had about 500 tissues that needed some attention but I just never got around to cleaning it up.  One day I come back from school and they were gone....I knew that my parents knew.  Nothing was said for a while until my step dad started to tease the shit out of me for it.  
  SO I fancy myself an athiest.    Last night I had a stomach pain so intense that I talked myself into being a Christian and thought that if I was about to die, I should get some Christ.   Rolled a smoke, smoked it and the pain went away.    Nevermind, I thought.   
  She thought I was leaning over to cuddle, and put her arm around me.  I was really leaning over to let loose a loud, trumpeting fart.    
  When I browse the internet and come across something like "I should of known better" I think to myself "Damn, that guy must be stupid. I am not even a native speaker of English, and even I realize what bullshit he wrote. I am far superior to most people on the 'net." Then I download some porn and jerk off.  
  I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.  So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.  I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal,etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         met them on the internet. drove up to their house. She was gorgeous but he was kinda odd, deafened from a mortar blast in vietnam and obvious she was a mail order bride. They gave me wine and caviar and I was so nervous I went to the bathroom and flipped through her dirty magazines for awhile. "I am going to sleep with a strange woman!" I thought, drunkenly. I have never done anything like this before.  "How long have you liked women?" she asks. "Don't know if I do." I answer. We sit down to watch porn and my hand is on her knee...then on her thigh...then we are kissing, and making out... I eat her. She eats me. I've never done anything like this before. We fucked in the den. We fucked in the jacuzzi. We fucked all night long. The husband masturbated when he watched us, and joined in withthe petting but nothing more. It was me and her until the sun came up. And, as I left they offered me two hundred dollars.  AND I DIDN'T TAKE IT.  WHAT AN ASSHOLE I AM  
  Today I did laundry.  I was out of socks to jizz in.  I need a box of kleenex  
  Every dog knows a word that will make it crazy.  When I was a kid, we had a dog (his name: martini) that would go running down the end of the driveway barking if you would tell it to "GET KOJAK".  My current dog (Todd), will go nuts if you tell it to "GET THE PUPPY".  One morning I woke up, and saw a cat outside the window of my bedroom.  "GET THE PUPPY",  I told him.  Barking out door the dog runs right on past the cat, only to bark at the fence at the end of the back yard.  The cat, spooked, climbs over the fence toward the front yard.  I get Todd, bring him through the house. I get him primed with a couple good "get the puppy's".  Then, while the dog is in a frenzy, I open the door and yell, " GET THE PUPPY!". (Loudly)  My genius dog runs right past the cat, across the street to the little grey haired couple walking their rat-dog.  The last thing that old couple heard before they were forced to pick up their ratdog by the leash was the crazy neighbor (ME) yelling, "Get the puppy!"  Ugh.  A guy just can't explain himself out of that one.   
  I think if I was a criminal specializing in armed robbery I'd use a sticky dildo to hold up people.  When they realize it was a dildo and not a gun I'd rub the tip of it on them, and while theyre all grossed out wondering where the tip has been, I'd grab their jewelry and run.  
  My mom and I were having a fight, she had just found out I was sexually active for the first time.  She was saying really mean things to me about how irresponsible I am. So I told her 'I like it doggy style.' I thought she was going to puke.  
  I get home from school and find my mom tickling our dogs dick saying, 'you are cute, yes you are' while it is rolling around on its back in pleasure.  
  something like 50% of all male boating fatalities are guys with their flies down...  guess your balance isn't very good when you are drunk and trying to piss over the egde of a boat. (damn waves)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So we're hanging out with some of the gods of the video game industry, who's names I will not mention.  We go to a Houlihans for dinner, and while we are waiting in the lobby, I go into my schtick about how, if we in the video game industry make more money than the music and book industry combined, why we don't have any groupies? I mean we do, but they are all 12 year old boys, and that's just not what I had in mind.  So it's loud in this lobby, so I have to speak up. Once I'm done there is this one moment of complete silence in the bar area, the kind you get when something profound is about to be said.  My good friend, the gaming god, then says "Wouldn't it be great if we were all pedophiles?" in the clearest voice you can imagine. Everyone in a five mile radius heard it.  If that isn't a lowbrow moment I don't know what is.  
  We're at the local pub and Ashley, the Bitch, says: "The waitresses never notice me.  I don't know why they don't notice me, but they don't."  I don't know how they don't either; there's a hell of a lot of her not to notice, fat bitch, but I don't say that, for it would be unkind.  I do, however, notice that she's getting angrier and angrier as the waitress refuses to notice that she has had two sips of tea from her glass.  I offered: "Maybe you should drink some more and she'll notice."  Come to think of it, maybe I should start drinking more.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was 15 and on vacation for 2 weeks with my whole family.  with my vibrator and massaging showerhead at home and mom and dad around 24/7, needless to say masturbation opportunities were few.  one night we stayed at a hotel and we all went into the jacuzzi.  i saw those bubbling jets and suddenly it seemed like a real good idea to go for it.  i got off in front of grandma.  
  My girl is minding this massive mansion house, up in the hills. Naturally I am staying over, relaxing, enjoying the high speed internet, views, copious quantities of blowjobs and sex.  One day im on the computer and she comes over and straddles me, we shag our way around the room. Now she is a fairly diminutive girl, and not prone to dirty talking, but she is gettting noisier. Then, while i am fucking her bent over a couch in front of a gigantic mirror, she screams, and i mean SCREAMS, FUCK ME HARDER FUCK ME so loud she goes horse at the end.   I stop in total surprise (much to her displeasure) as half the dogs in the neighbourhood start barking in the silence that follows.  Thank god it was a weekday and the neighbours *probably* weren't home.  
  yet another hooker story: Kings Cross, Sydney, Australia.  myself, kyle and greg in a strip club learning the aussie practice of putting extremely hot strippers on stage while have the nasty crusty hookers soliciting the audience.  all the guys watch the strippers, get horny, and go upstairs with the hookers. weve been there about an hour, this one hooker wont leave me alone and i have an idea, i pay for the room, we go upstairs, strip naked and i order her to attack me with pillows. i begin cracking up and then i ask her to scream while hitting me, when she does it, i fall to the floor laughing, she looks worried and stops to ask if i wanna fuck now, after convincing her i really dont she continues with the beating for a few more minutes before we go back downstairs with me laughing like an idiot before i realize i didnt have my video camera. dammit.  
  "You've got to mess with the handle and pull the back of the door."  He knew I loved his piece of shit van.  Even after I had been in it for twenty minutes in the rain with the windows open with a girl I didn't know while he fixed his work schedule.  I knew I'd miss that van when he left.    
  We were having a house party once and a girl left.  My housemate asked me who just left. I replied "just some skank with a nose ring", just then a girl walks past us on her way out and says "that was my friend"       
  I like to pick my nose.  I pick the boogers out, drag em out from underneath my nails with my teeth into my mouth, and then *THWUP* don't really spit as much as I blow em out. I always sit at my computer, reading lowbrow, hitting F5, picking my nose and blowing it out over and to the left of my computer monitor.   Just now for what must be the first time in months I look over at the wallpaper behind and to the left of my computer monitor. There are black specks all over them. On closer examination I find that it's months and months of my boogers, dried on the wall.  I thought I could get them off by rubbing my hand along the wall, but those fuckers are dry and hard and one of my fingers is bleeding. So instead I used the edge of a PC Gamer demo cd.  I wonder if my parents have noticed my dried innards on the wall.  
  One night we drove up Kville to see a friend of ours going to school up there. We arrive and immediatly begin pounding down beers. After we polish of a thirty pack of Keystone Ice we went to a frat party, stole some cups and drank like we had a disease and keg beer was the only fucking antidote. The party got broken up around midnight so we wander back to Daves.  We start doing shots of vodka when Dave announces he is going to bed. He should of known better than to sleep while a bunch of bored alchohalics are in the living room.  We begin plotting different things we can do to our sleeping friend when Jake suddenly jumps up and says "The duck!" and walks out the door.  I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, and for a moment I wondered if Jake had finally gone insane, but quickly remember that was impossible. He'd lost it long ago.   A minute or so later Jake walks back through the door with a goose. He sits the goose on the floor and it start walking around, checking things out. At first I was a little worried. As a child I had a goose grab my pecker with its beek and it hurt, but it turned out this one was cool as hell. So we kept on drinking, all the while playing with the goose and trying to feed it fruitloops (The only food we could find in the apartment).   I then decided it would be funny to put the goose in Dave's room, so we opened the door, tossed him in, then quickly shut it.   We all left to go to another friends house to drink more, and at about 3:00 in the morning we get a call from Dave saying a goose was in his room and shit all over his floor and he was going to kill us.  We just laughed at him and told him not to pass out like a bitch.  
  my parents were gone last weekend, so i decided to punk it out and smoke a ciggarette in my room.  best 3 1/2 minutes of my life so far.        
  It was the first blindingly-bright day of the Summer and I popped into Revco to buy some cheap sunglasses.  She was 70 or so, dressed very neatly.  She showed me where the mirror was and we chatted for several minues, me with a big price tag sitting on my nose.  When I said that I'm in medical research she looked at me like a I was a hero.  I just smiled and left her to her fantasies.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  One night in Reno, trashed on that stuff with the gold flakes in it...  We were staying at the Silver Legacy, it's got this massively huge silver mining replica that dominates the whole casino.  After running up to random people and yelling "DON'T LOOK AT IT, YOU'LL GO INSANE!," I spotted a huge display of chocolate goodies inside the closed buffet.  I think my wife said steal it, or I want that, or something...there was people everywhere.  I waited till the employees went back to the kitchen, stumbled pass one of those puffy pseudo barrier rope things, and snagged this HUGE white chocolate eagle in a glass dome!  Fully expecting to get stopped by security, we were practically falling over with laughter, hauling a four foot tall white chocolate eagle down the crowded corridor towards the elevators...what a night.. and nobody ever said anything, is that fucking 1337, or what?  
  I can't figure out which is lower.  Knowing what my boogers taste like, or my own cum. Someone help me decide.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What kind of cruel trick has god played on man whereby everything that tastes so good, that one could gorge oneself on, results in either obesity or early death?       
  he had this amazing sharkfinmohawk do that rose a full foot plus above his shiney pate obviously bombed he walked around with a pair of scissors charging twenty bucks if you wanted to cut a chunk of his unbelievable mane there was a line so came the question what are you collecting the cash for to wit he replied a real haircut         
  God is dead.  I know, because I had sex with his big, fat, rotted corpse. Boy, he really let himself go towards the end. He looked like Elvis, sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles and his face all floated. Like a big, Jewish Elvis.  Did you know that, when dead, God's asshole smells like circus peanuts? It's true.  
  you know you might be a whore when...  You walk into a room PACKED with men, and your first thought is "who here haven't i slept with yet?...."  And you have trouble answering the question.    
  Every drunk should have a bender kit in their car.  What goes into a bender kit?  A towel, a lighter, a bottle of vodka, a pack of smokes. and a list of phone numbers.  Which phone numbers?  A lawyer, your ex-whatever, and a suicide hotline.  
  He loved her, but knowing she had known many men, made him insecure.  "Dump her, she's slept with everyone in town" I offered.  "Yea, but it's a small town" he replied.        
  We were sitting on the couch, she was on the phone with a mutual friend of ours.  Suddenly her face lights up and she covers the mouthpiece of the phone with her hand.  "Can I tell him about the time you ran around the back yard in your underwear?" she asks me.  Before I can reply we both hear him laughing on the phone.  I raise an eyebrow.  "Sounds like you already did."  . . . "Oops."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Wiped work shoes clean of day old chicken guts and  with dish cloth.  Wiped cereal bowl free of old mouseshit and crusted remains of last meal using said cloth for morning cereal before work.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking to the bus, almost late, doing a lot of things at that time: tying shoelaces, finishing breakfast and smoking a cigarette.  I had to sneeze but could not be bothered to grab a tissue. Later I realised the snot had fell on my cigarette.  I smoked it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time out target shooting I decided to put an AP (armor piercing) round into an engine block that was laying around. It was about 60 feet away and me being a good shot put it right through the side. A second after I fired my head jerked back and all of a sudden something was burning at the corner of my mouth. I pulled out a small hunk of hot metal.  Fucking shrapnel sucks....  
  i cheated on my girlfriend of two years.  with a fat ugly short girl.  fucked her when i was drunk.  woke in the morning to one of those roll over, look at what you've done and groan moments.  fucked her again.  left.  ugh.    
  I dated this girl for 6 years.  She breaks up with me and tells me all about how great the new guy is and in what ways he is better than me. Six months later she tries to entice me to come and see her. She had been on a sort of 'hiatus' from the guy. The break up after another year and a bit.  Me 6, him 2, you tell me who the better boyfriend was.  She calls me up and asks me if I want to get together. I say 'No, I have to plan my wedding, so when you're drinking alone tonight remember, if you weren't so shortsighted, it could have been you.' I'm not really planning my wedding, but the sentiment remained the same.  
   so sandman and i go to his apartment hes got a phone book a folding chair and a matress and that is really all he has hes questioning whether or not he should get involved with this wonderful woman shes a lawyer and it scares him a bit finally after a bottle of hennesey he decides quote shit why the hell not i mean what she gonna sue me for a phone book and a folding chair hell ill throw in the matress end quote theyve been happily married for quite a while now       
  In this cheesy little stripmall with which this town is filled, there is a slutty lingerie shop called Sensually Yours... right next door to a discount coffin outlet called Affordable Caskets.  Come and go.  
  Ever take a crap so big that you felt like it was appropriate to name it and clothe it and keep it in a bassinette?  I just did.    The worst part was the afterbirth... I can't even remember the last time I ate placenta.    
  My family bought a radio that goes in the shower. Its waterproof and hangs on the wall by two suction cups. Its not exactly the best radio ever, so if you stand in certain places you block the reception from certain stations. I was listening to my favorite station, and I started cleaning my nuts. As I was moving my hand around, it would cut off for a second.  Apparently, the position of my nuts was determining weather or not I got to listen to music.  
  When I was about 7 years old, my mom made a pot roast for us one night.  As we sat down to eat dinner, my sister Heather said, " Mommy I have something to tell you" and began to cry.  Mom, looking annoyed and distracted said dismissively, "Oh what is it..." as she continued to eat.  "Me and Jada ( our cousin) sprayed that oven full of bug spray yesterday" sobbed Heather.  Of course, my mother stopped eating and snatched the rest of the pot roast away from us. My mom started freaking out and saying, "My god Heather you better not be lying! If you're telling the truth we all could die from poisoning!"  For what seemed like hours, the paranoia went on. My mother convinced us that we might be at death's door.  Of course, none of us died. My sister Heather used to be a compulsive liar.  
  17 years ago, I was a 3-month old baby.  Our family went to the mall, and like any other baby, I needed a diaper change.  My dad changed my diaper in the bathroom and wrapped the soiled one in a plastic K-Mart bag and left it on the changing station while he went to use a stall.  He sat me on the floor of the stall, and while we were in there, he overheard two teenaged kids saying, "look, there's a bag!" and "quick, grab it!"  When we came out, the bag was gone.  
  So a friend of mine in college downloaded a new porno movie off the internet and called us all over to his dorm room to watch it. Within a few minutes, quite a large crowd had gathered in there, including several people who were just walking by the room and heard the movie from the hallway.   A short ways into the movie, there is a scene where some guy blows his load in some girl's hair. One of our female friends, who no one had seen enter the room and no one knew was in the room, yells out "Don't do that! That takes forever to wash out!"   To this day, that is all I can think of when anyone mentions her name...  
  I just posted a moment about Kirsty and Janie, my pretty, young flat-mates, making me over as David Bowie, complete with scarlet hair and zig-zag on my cheek. We had lots of fun with it, but I had to go to work, so I asked them for help getting it all off. They started to giggle, and bet me &pound;5 that I wouldn't go to work as I was. They knew I worked in a pub, but pubs in Scotland in the 1970s were almost all of the spit-n-sawdust variety, and wearing that outfit into one would be ill-advised. I took their bet, surprising the hell out of them. They demanded the address, so they could verify I'd actually gone to work. Fine by me. By the time they dropped by, I had made a full month's worth of tips, with more coming in. Kirsty and Janie stood there, rudely, with their mouths open. After all, there weren't many openly-gay pubs in Scotland back then...  
  Adventures in College #3  A friend of mine from Highschool, Jay, his girlfriend, Christy, and I are in a kareoke bar (crappy entertainment, but good pizza and large cheap pitchers of any drink you want), and things are starting to get ugly.  I'm reading the list of songs and artists, trying to drown out her incessant commentary on why my last relationship came to an end (a list which seems to include everything under the sun, save the 3 hour talk she gave my girl about my personal flaws), while Jay is pretending to ignore his girl's tirade by reading the writting on the $1 bills stapled all over the walls.  Now Jay and I have had discussions in  the past about his girl.  Not tirades like she kindly bestows upon others around her, but genuine honest-to-whatever-god-you-believe-in discussions.  Pro: She's cute.  Pro: She is good in the sack, and likes it often.  Pro: She enjoys 'geeky' things and talking about them with guys (computers, sci-fi).  Pro: She likes football (perhaps for the macho players, but eh)  Con: She can be a real bitch sometimes, a side of her that we see all too often.  Now Jay is on the fence, whether to keep her or dump her, while I am of the opinion that she has to go (Hey, I don't get to put my grubby mitts on her better qualities, why should I put up with her bitching?).  I finally snap, and decide to do something about the situation.    I interupt the continuing tirade and say, "You know Christy, you really do to much.  Its so hard to find someone with as much intrest in others as you." (True enough).  I being to stand up, closing the book of songs I had been browsing.  She says, brightly "Thanks.  I'm just, you know, trying to be helpful.  But what are you doing?"  "Just wait and see"  I walk over to the guy running the Kereoke machine and tell him I want to do Disc 17, Song 09, and wait patiently for my turn.  He gets the strangest look in his eyes, but nods and puts me in the que.  When my turn comes up I stand in front of the monitor and mike and say, while beckoning to Christy,  Christy, this one is dedicated to your compassion for your friends   please stand up and take a bow.   She blushes and rises slowly to her feet before sitting back down, embarrassed.  Now Jay knows full well what I think of his girl, and is starting to get suspicious, very suspicious, but he does nothing.  The song begins to wind up.  Recognition dawns on Jay s face, who knows whats coming and quickly takes a large gulp from his beer. Christy remains oblivious.   My friend s got a girlfriend / Man he hates that bitch..   Christy runs out of the restaurant, crying loudly.  I get knowing looks from most of the guys in the room, and dagger-stares from most of the women.  It took me over a month to patch things up with Jay, and I had a lot more trouble than usual finding girls who were interested in me for the next six months, but damn it was worth it.   All hail the Offspring s Americana CD.  
  The highlight of my holiday was jerking off in the bathrooms of McDonalds.  twice.  
  One night, after getting really drunk, my friend Drew said he was going home to jerk off - in order to disprove that 'whiskey dick' existed.  He was walking with a limp the next day.  
  You know how when you were in school you would take a Bic RoundStic pen apart, and shoot spitballs at people?  Try using aluminium foil.  
  I used to work at a Nursing Home and I had to clean up shit and piss and vomit and whatever else you could throw upon the floor.  Someone asked me one day how I could do that everyday and I told them it didn't bother me, except the throw up... THAT bothers me.    They said that throw up would be a piece of cake compared to the shit.   "Wrong," I said... "I'm a sympathetic puker... if I see, hear, or smell throw up, I'll puke.... "  I paused for a moment, before continuing.  "BUT, if I see, hear, or smell shit... I'm not a sympathetic shitter."        
  So as a kid my favorite porn star was Barbara Dare. Maybe because she was in two of the four American pornos I got my hands on as a nasty 14 year old.  Maybe it was cos she's cute, and she was very enthusiastic. Maybe it's because she so evidently got off on doing nasty things with other women. Really though, who cares? She's a porn star and that was enough.  So she does this stripper tour of the USA and I get to hear about it. Needless to say I dragged my wife down to the local strip club to go see her. We enjoyed the show, and afterward, at my wife suggestion (I have a GREAT wife) I go down and get my polariod taken with her stark naked (Her, not me. No one wants to see that in public believe me).  I loved that picture. I scanned it in and and used it as my windows wall paper. But somewhere along the line I put the picture somewhere 'safe' and forgot where. But it didn't matter, I had the scanned version. Then my computer crashed. Bugger. I searched and searched, but it was gone. I was gutted.  Two years later I get an email from my eldest brother who's just got around to reading a book I lent him. He says he found a picture of me and "another woman" in a compromising position inside the back cover, so he destroyed it to be safe.  Is it legal to strange your siblings? I mean, come on, this is provacation right?   
  I was 20, Dave was 22, but had a baby-face.  We went to get in a (21+) club, the bouncer waved me and my fake id through. He stopped Dave, examined his driver's license thoroughly, made him pull out another form of id, and held that one up to the light.  He finally let Dave in, and said to me, "I'll let your friend in, but don't bring him again until he gets better fakes."  We still make fun of him for that.  
  We pulled up at Bill's Crossroads (toothless old man/country bar) just as the fight spilled outside. Two younger girls going at it and one old guy who got knocked over and stayed on the ground. One of the younger girls started screaming "That's my father, that's my father, someone help him, bitch you don't fuck with my dad..."  That's when we smiled at each other, lit cigarettes and leaned against our cars to watch the rest before we went in.  
  As I was reading one particular moment, from a lowbrower with nipple hair and a happy trail, a warm fuzzy overtook me.  "Finally," I thought, "somebody who feels my pain.  Perhaps we can start a support group for hairy women?"  Then I realized it was a guy.  
  When I was about 12, Marc, Theresa and me were in the back yard playing.  I put the toe of my shoe under a fairly new piece of dog shit and flung it at Marc, about 30 feet away.  It tagged him in the center of the forehead and hung from his hair, straight into his face.  All he could do was lean forward and gag while Theresa used one of his shoes to try to dislodge the turd from his hair.  
  I'm black, but I have rather light skin and (sexy) green eyes, so I often get asked if I'm half white.  As far as I can trace on my family tree(the turn of the century), it's all black. But green eyes aren't exactly an African trait.  I suppose it could have been a story of love against all odds, interracial romance in the 1800's. But that seems pretty unlikely.  I figure I had a pretty great-...-great-grandmother who was owned by a horny, green-eyed white guy.  
  Gertie was normal in most ways, but in one way she was not. She was abnormal in that way, but she would never tell anybody what it was.        
   A weird thing:   At pubs, bars, clubs and such, guys - I, too, am a guy - buy me drinks and spend money on me. No flirting or anything. It usually ends up with me walking out of there a bit richer.  Do people rent friends?  I think I'll continue riding the moneytrain.  
  {insert witty experience/story here}  {dramatic pause}  {abrupt one-liner close}    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Watching my graduation on tape, a friend and I were discussing what my principal was saying to everyone as he handed them their diplomas.  We decided he was saying, "Floppy Donkey Dick".       
  I would listen to Cat Stevens albums from the mid seventies a lot. Never heard anything so beautiful, and the way they were recorded made it sound like he was singing softly right beside you.  I asked my sister why she couldn't stand him. She sneered and told me the problem was his voice.  I'm ashamed to say I laughed when she explained "It's like somebody put a gun up to his head and said 'SING!'!"        
  the same friend (hey T) who introduced me to raving and gave me my first (half) pill of e explained to me the concept of the "naked pill" and "naked acid".   one person at a party will get the "naked pill" of e and proceed to get undressed in front of everyone. "naked acid" usually only affects one person at a time in the same way, but the same batch of acid has the same effect on various people on different occasions.   i got to see both happen. keep in mind as you read these two moments that i was at the time an 18 year old girl.  the first time i rolled an old aquaintence(C) was throwing the party with his friend(J). i knew C really well, but he wasnt my friend. so when he started taking off his clothes and talking about getting naked, i encouraged it. T pursuaded him not to though.(damn.)  a couple months later at J's house he does some acid, and some coke. maybe some e too. and he starts having a bad trip and comes on to everyone and everything that moves. i am rolling nuts and cant find any toilet paper downstairs, so i ask his half-passed out k-whore(luv ya E!) housemate what to do. he tells me to go upstairs and knock on J's door. i do and he opens it, hugs me, lets me in and immediately starts talking about how he loves me and will take care of whatever it is i need... with his pants falling to his ankles. we have never had a conversation before, i dont know him at all.  i tell him i need toilet paper so i can pee. someone else shows me to the bathroom.   i come out and see a picture frame falling from his hands and glass shattering. he walks over the shards of glass. i coerce him into doing me the favor of sitting on the bed and letting me check out his foot. a friend and i clean up the glass and J periodically walks around trying to get naked.   the other people start talking about trying to give him a sleeping pill. but one of the fun facts i know about sleeping pills from my years of experimenting with drugs is that some sleeping pills will produce hallucinations if you dont go to sleep. the boy was already hopped up on acid and coke, i emphatically told them to wait until he was coming down to give him the pills, and only if he needed it. i was sure he wouldnt.   then J starts trying to get naked again and tries to fall spread-eagle back onto the bed right next to me. he misses as he was a foot too far away and his back hits the frame. i tried to catch him but couldnt and sat down on the bed with my knees by his head, asking him if he is ok.  i should mention at this point he had been saying a string of nonsense questions since he broke the frame. it consisted of: "what-is-black?-what-is-red?-what-is-white?-what-is-grandma?-what-is-grandpa?-what-is-gay?-what-is-straight?-what-is-good?-what-is-evil?"  he is saying the same as we both sit there, him on the floor, me on the edge of the bed. he asks "what-is-gay?" and then answers "I'M GAY!!!" and proceeds to push his handsup my legs to the crotch of my jeans and attempt to grope. lucky me, they were baggy.  its mostly his lowbrow moment but sorta mine too...although maybe turning gay guys on is a good thing.  ;)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first kiss came from a perverted semi-outcast friend at our eighth grade dance.  He said, "Do you want a preview of what I'm going to do to you?"  And then he crammed his tongue down my throat.  It's amazing I didn't get me immediately to a nunnery.        
           Idiots Way to Get Laid  Hit your self in the head with a board just hard enough to make it bleed.   Go lay down at the door step of the girl you want to have sex with and slowly scratch at the door and whisper her name methodically.   If she doesn't hear you, bang on the door a little harder.   When she comes to the door tell her that you were chased by bad cops that know where you live and that you need to hide out.   If she is a sympathetic woman, she'll melt with intrigue as she cleans you up and eventually she will be yours.   It worked for me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so, i'm on a trip with a bunch of people from school to Colorado and we've been driving thru the most barren and flat state ever, we dont know which... we get out at the rest stop and my friend Kenny says " You know what sucks?... Kansas"  
  Was talking with one of the chickies about my geek exboyfriend's new doomed sex-based relationship. Ugh. I had come out as prefering women a couple months after we broke up.   She: "Let's wait and see if he turns her into a lesbian too."  Too bad I'm not speaking to him...         
  This from a U.S. Open tennis official who has the hideous task of enforcing clothing rules (NY Times 08/30/02: "Women," Earley sighed, "have always been pushing the envelope as far as clothing goes." It may evolve to wearing nothing more than an envelope - but, properly, an envelope bearing the clothier's logo. You suspect that US Tennis Association poohbahs will not tamper with female fashions if it means any covering up of the stars. Undoubtedly, the Women's Tennis Association would approve a renowned long-ago athlete, jockey Lady Godiva, so long as she wore a WTA tattoo.   
  is it that my life is filled with lowbrow moments or that my lowbrow life is filled with moments or that my lowbrow moments are the only part that are filled with life i cant remember         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work at a grocery store.  When the women come to my register, I like to ring up the zucchini last and hold it out towards them as I ask if there is anything else I can help them with.  They never get it.  
  No, dammit, I will not go to college. I will not be a sucess. I will not make my parents proud. I will be a failure.   I will go join an artists' colony.   And I will have illicit sex the whole day through.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When Covad's stock was under a dollar a share, I was going to buy in. I could get hundreds of shares for next to nothing, and, when they pulled themselves out of the bankruptcy, I'd be rich.   Instead, I spent the money I was going to use on Mexican ketamine and rum.  I'm still poor and I have no drugs.  
   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?        
  I knew she was easy (not on the eyes, though) because my roommate had fooled around with her a few times.  We made out on the floor till 4 am and by that time she was giving me a handjob.  When I was "released", we stopped fooling around and went to sleep.  That was the last time I ever talked to her.   
  My first thought as I entered the sauna, "I've never seen so many penises in my entire life!"        
  i was pouring myself a glass of milk and found a sticker on my milk carton that said "got pus?"  someone vandalised my milk.. I DEMAND JUSTICE!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A truck from some local church stopped me as I was walking home and asked if I knew where so-and-so lived, that they had a pick-up to make.  I'd never heard of the people, but I helpfully directed them over to the Ghetto Assholes' house, where they loaded up all the furniture they liked to decorate their front yard and porch with.  Hope you were done with the grill, jerk.   
  I said "everytime the raiders win baby jesus cries"  I'm so amazed she was that offended.  I never thought she was a christian. Maybe she just really likes the raiders?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A steak dinner.  Way too many vodka and cranberries.  I'll never forget the sound my bright red puke chunks made as they landed on the balconies below my friend's apartment.  Sort of like punching an excessively buttery stack of pancakes.  
  My roommate once stuck his penis in a vaccuum cleaner when he was at boarding school.  He took off the hose first, I think, and put that sucker in there.  He told me.  "It didn't bleed, but it was frightening."  He made sure I published this in the school newspaper.  
  I once thought it might be cool to be a truck driver because it's so easy to masturbate as nobody can look down into your cabin.  But then I realized how alarmingly high the accident rates for trailer trucks are around where I live.  And then I realized why...  
  so, i was really drunk on saturday night and was eating some cookies, when i droped one.  i looked all over the floor without getting out of my chair, but couldnt find it.  i asked my friend "where is my cookie?"  he started to laugh out of control.  i looked for a little while more, when i saw it on the ground.  when my friend stopped laughin he told me that the cookie had fallen on my chest, just out of my periferal vision, then later to the floor.  it was on my fucking chest!!!  im an ass.  
  a friend of a friend's moment:   Him: my friend bought a dildo with Scooby Doo's head on it. That's terrifying! Why the fuck would they make that...Although "Scooby Dooby Dildo" is a great name for a sex toy. I mean if u are gonna put things on dildos, which is weird in the first place...but why not something with SOME kind of sex appeal?   Why a bumbling cartoon dog?  Me: uch...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was in my room. i couldnt sleep and i was kinda horny, so i got some vaseline and a playboy and began beating it. now my cat was on the bed with me (he was by my feet). my cat wakes up, looks at the playboy, the vaseline and then at me. when he looked at me i could almost read the expression on his face "you sick mother fucker, i am trying to sleep and you come in here and start beating your meat? have a little respect, i am trying to sleep here". after looking at me, he put his head back down and went back to sleep. i finished up. next time i will be sure to kick him out of my room so he can sleep better.  
  This guy I know. He loves wearing nothing but a wife beater and briefs. He'll sit on the couch all day watching TV and munching potato chips if you let him. He knows all the words to 'TNT' by AC/DC.  He'll be 4 in September. Goddamn I love my son.  
  I am at the local brew pub (not the same one as limbo). The cook and the brew master ar looking at the spices they use for the cajun shrimp.  "What do you think those large oval seeds are?"   I reply, "Have you tried one yet?"  They look at each other, then at me. "You're right." I say, "Give me a couple. I have my own company. I'll never need to take a drug test."  For some strange reason there are mary-you-wanna seeds in the cajun spice mix.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lowbrow is the sudden realization that if Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake ever had a show entitled:  "I married and later divorced the guy I met online in a Pagan Chat Room"  I would qualify.  Sucks to be me.  
  I made a porn video with a girl that was still dating her boyfriend of 2.5 yrs.  It was on one of those 8mm tapes, so I had to buy an adapter. My friend and I went to walmart and couldn't resist the temptation to watch it on their cameras on display.  I watched a bit and started to rewind when my friend realized that my little bang film was being broadcasted on the big screen TV in the middle of the store. Nice.  
  I bet if you live in a town that has strip joints, the odds are a lot better that any given dollar bill has been 'snatched' by a twat. I wonder if you could get VD from sniffing stuff through one...  
  One summer night I went out with this guy I worked with for drinks and to (of course) try to get chicks.   We were both 20 (i.e. underage)   On a dare at the first bar I try to get him to do a shot of Jack Daniels after we had eaten Mexican.   He pretended to do the shot.   I didn't.    I turned green and then puked all over the bar, the bartender and the two people next to me.   While they were throwing me out they asked my name.   I gave the name of the lead singer of The Cure.    Robert Smith better never go into Poco's in Doylestown, PA.  They won't serve him.    
  So i'm in the book store when i see my friend's best friend. "Hey whats up?"i say. He just gives me a vacant stare. Finally he says "Do i know you?" Then i realize he is not who i thought he was and i am a complete ass.      
  This really happened:  National Geographic late one night "Gorillas are vegetarians."  Cut to the gorilla munching a huge green leaf.  "But no one has been able to explain this behavior to satisfaction:"  Gorilla squats in the bushes.  Starts to dump.  A great green salami of a poop.  "Some say it's the nutritional value," the gorilla leans forward pushing out this fucking enormous turd "some say they just want a hot meal on a cold day."  Gorilla reaches back and grabs said loaf.  Grabs it and pulls it - yes pulls it out of his ass and eats it.  I swear to god.  
  I have a beard, its not a very impressive beard, just a basic beard i grew when i left my service in the UN!    It s about 8 inches long, and because of my viking/scottish heritage, it s bright red!    About a year ago i was out driving my old motorcycle, a souped up Triton-67 caf racer, on the small backroads outside of Stockholm!    When i cut a corner and raise my head to get a better look, pain suddenly floods through me, my beard got stuck in the throttle, and i am going quite fast, so i lean forward and loose my grip and try to slow down...    Nope, no way this bike is going to go any slower, my beard has effectivly jammed the throttlehandle, so i do what i have to do, i yank my head backwards as hard as i can!    I spend about 30 minutes in a reststop getting the remains of my beard out of my handle, tears still in my eyes!    My beard is now about 3 inches long...   - hertigbrandgul@regerar.com     ok dude what is with all the exclamation marks you freak!  your beard was obviously not oiled every day.        
  read in the paper today (mn), that some hick got a life sentence for beating his friend to death with a baseball bat over a dispute regarding 1700$ worth of pull-tab winnings. if you are familiar with pull-tabs, then you know how truly lowbrow this moment is.  
  one of the reasons i am not with her right now said he to me was we were hiking in the white mts and i had three quarters of the stuff on my back so she didnt hafta haul the water and food we were out for three days it was raining and she was complaining about me taking so long to get up to the shelter i slipped and fell on my face trying to break my fall with my arm and broke my wrist she bitched because i was being a baby about a little sprain i had to hide the soft cast from her it took over year to heal fucking bitch i bought him a shot and a beer and realized there isnt enough burbon in the world to kill her off in his mind or teach him to have a spine         
  There won't be a major Hollywood movie made about the life of Kurt Cobain until Courtney Love is too old to play herself in it....        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Still touring Scotland with my American fiancee and her sister, we stop for dinner at a tourist trap restaurant.  Walking in, sister asks: "What was your favorite Scottish food when you were growing up."  Me: "Stovies."  Sis: "What's in those?"  Me: "It's a wee bit hard to describe..."  However, we soon discover that the special of the day is:   Traditional Stovies  A subtle blend of potatoes, onions, and beef fat.    I hate tourist trap places, but I can't argue with their description of stovies -- that's exactly what's in them.  The two women think this is the funniest thing in the world, and start riffing on about: "Eiou, not quaite  subtle  enough -- I think perhaps a little more  beef fat .  They gigglefest their way off to the bathroom. To salve my wounded pride, I yell at their backs: "Well, we put lots of salt and pepper on them!"  That didn't help, either...  
  Somewhere in Southeast Michigan, someone has a videotape of me vomiting on the side of a house, followed by a drunken apology to the homeowner.  I've never been fortunate enough to see this tape, but I'd be willing to bet it's pretty damn funny.  
  So today I came home from work smelling like smoke.  "Are you smoking, Ryan?", my mother asks.  "Nah mom, check out my car if you want to.", I said. "No honey, that's o.k., I believe you.", She replied.  Little did she know there were three packs of cigarettes, two condoms, and one marijuana pipe all in the glove box. You gotta go balls out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i remeber being really REALLY excited when timmy brought round the copy of transformers the movie. it felt like being eight years old again.  and then we sat down and watched it and we were left in no doubt that all kids are morons.  
  God DAMMIT David, chemistry is really not *THAT* exciting. Stupid jackass, stop masturbating in class! I'm stuck sitting next to you for the whole damn year and one of these days I'm just gonna puke on you if you keep it up.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               Whenever I travel, I always take a rental car. Even if it is only like 50 miles away. Why you ask? Because you can do things with a rental car that you would never even dream of doing in your own car.  For instance, once I driving to a family reunion, going about 90mph down the freeway when suddenly I have a thought.  What would happen if I threw this baby in reverse?  I did, it made a real funny sound...  
  When I was a kid, me and a buddy were shooting off model rockets in the schoolyard down the street.  We aimed one at a passing helicopter.   By our guesses, we figure it ran out of fuel about 50 feet short.  The aim was still close enough for the pilot to give us a demonstration in agility.   
  Had to sub Catholic middle school the other day. 7th grade. Most people would hate it, but I get a kick out of the little monsters. Like this exchange: "Open your books." little skinny white boy in the front, who hasn't hit the growth spurt yet: "Yes massa." "Excuse me?" "I said, yes, massa." annoying girl next to him: "what's massa?" "It's a derogatory term for a white slaveowner, used prior to the civil war." annoying girl: "Thanks, massa." I made them both write out the Emancipation Proclamation. Twice.  Mwhahahaha. I always wanted to do that. ~puck~  
  So I'm out with a couple of friends, getting stoned down by the river.  In my baked mindstate, I guess I thought it would be fun to jump off of the tree into the water.  A few seconds after I jump in, everyone, including me, remembers I can't swim.  I owe a dirty, drunken, hobo fisherman my life...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         oh i am bursting at night --- listen, you can hear the web of skin splitting. i am crying at night. i am crying at night.  listen, it is no mistake that Elliot Smith's album XO is exactly 44 minutes and 44 seconds long. that was planned by some higher-up at the record company who knew my suffering always last exactly 45 minutes, and therefore i am left hanging. i am left crying.  i know, now, why i will never be one of the old bearded poetmen, starving and famous : i have no friends named Carl.  wasn't Howl written for a Carl Solomon? and Miller's Tropic of Cancer also written for a Carl? My friends all have unimaginative names : Justin, Cris, Lisa, Michael. i am dying at night, splitting and the web of my skin contracting in plenty of time for the morning to come.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had finally met the woman that I KNEW I could spend the rest of my life with.  The only problem was that she had found the man she KNEW she wanted to spend the rest of her life with 2 weeks before she met me.  Regardless, we became good friends quickly.  She and her boyfriend had decided to take things slowly, and I saw this as my opportunity to at least see if I still had a chance, should things not work out between them.    So three months go by, and I know absolutely everything about this girl now.  We talk all the time.  It's just a joy to be in her presence.  She understands me on a level that no one ever has before.  One day, we're sitting together, having lunch, and gossiping.    Her: "I have something to tell you about   and I..."  Me: "Oh really?  What's that?"  My hopes are raising...  Her:  "Well... I finally gave   a blowjob.  Me:  Totally crestfallen, "Wow, how'd it go?"  Her: "Pretty well, I think.  He's had 4 long-term girlfriends, and I'm the first one to give him a BJ.  In fact, I gave him his first blowjob ever."  She continued to discuss how the boyfriend felt about his first hummer, but all I could do was sit and think about how chances with her.  I kept on thinking to myself, "Shit.  They might as well buy a house together and have 2 kids now, that guy is NEVER going to want to leave..."   
  Having a friend who you can't fuck (because 'we're just friends') is like having 19 dollars in my bank account and staring at my atm card.  
  When getting immunizations, the whole process would be a lot more fun if they used a dart gun and gave you a ten second head start.  
  my uncle used to say that it was our "civic duty" to flatten roadkill, thereby preventing it from getting to bloated. that is, until he sprayed maggots and skunk juice all up the side of his mg.  
  so i dreamt i met god and god was a woman and like you do we decided to have sex and turns out god likes it doggy style so i'm kneeling behind her and i think to myself, "well, as long as i'm back here" and i fuck god up the ass.  
  I'm a very well known actress.  I've been in movies, on television, covers of magazines and talkshows.  I make more in a month than most people make in a lifetime.  My lowbrow moment?  I'm sitting here alone in my beachfront Malibu home eating stale Cheetos and reading Lowbrow and I'm enjoying it more than some fancy Hollywood party.  
  She started playing at a furious clip; the Lucite bass was cool in her hands and it felt natural, like an extension of her right arm.  She couldn't figure out why she was getting such a great boomy sound out of the cheap-ass headphones she had plugged into the 4-track, until she took them off and realized she was playing through her stereo speakers as well.  Her face turned crimson.  Mortified, but for no good reason.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Her boss was talking to her but she wasn't listening. Her concentration was, instead, focused on the door of the bathroom, which held one stall and was always ful, since it serviced about 50 employeesl. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, every sense focused on the inevitable creaking of the door's hinges. She would win the race this time, oh yes.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've masturbated in the jack-stalls in the back of porno stores.  Several times.  I'm a normal college kid and if I ever told my friends that, they probably wouldn't believe me.  
  one of my earliest childhood memories:  my dad is taking me to some museum downtown. we're exiting the farragut north metro. this bum walks up to my dad, says something indecipherable. i walk closer to see.  after my dad says "excuse me?" the bum starts sort of chanting, "you dead, MF." he looks really out of it. just stands there, repeating "you dead, MF."  i pestered my dad and mom all night as to what MF meant. i vividly remember my mother putting curlers in her hair as i incessantly pester her, until she finally shouts "it means MOTHERFUCKER, ok??"  now i know why i can't sympathize with bums very easily.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Went to the Proctologist to discuss a problem with my "secret stool area" and learned that  the pollops that I thought  were dangling were actually warts I had contracted. An exam was in order,  and of course the position required of me for said exam  left me "prone", to say the least,  but you may imagine my horror and humiliation when I actually felt a strong surge and emitted the most foul-smelling of toxins into the atmosphere of the examination room. I still shudder to think of it.  
  white people with dreadlocks and bongo's is the image i have of the demons that will torment me in hell   
  We stopped at a Chinese restaurant named Kung Fu'd. I laughed my ass off when I read the name out loud, but the other guys couldn't understand why.        
  So I was picking the scabs off my feet.  Big yellow thick ones that came off in clumps.  I flicked them into my ashtray.  Later, smoking a cigarette, I wondered what was making that loud crackling sound everytime I put the cigarette down.  Roasting scabs.  That's what is was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend took me to the dmv, obviously for whatever reason i was unable to drive myself there we sit on one of those wooden benches that was created with intent to cause discomfort she turns to me making some comment about how whenever you go to the dmv there are sketchy wierd people that seem to just appear out of the woodwork and it makes you wonder at the time she had ratty blond dreads, shitty clothes, and a pair of sunglasses on that she seemed to forget to take off i told her to look in the mirror  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my mind.  Everyone at the age of 18 should be issued a single shot firearm with a unique caliber and a single bullet. The bullet would be equipped with a small microchip used to identify the gunman.  The only way to get the bullet would be to turn 18.  Now, you can use this bullet on ANYONE without fear of legal repercussions.  Only high ranking officials are excluded from anybody, since we all know that politicians are nobody.    Next time your out, and someone acts like an assrag, think "would they do that if this plan was in place?  would they talk shit about something they know nothing about to me if they had that lingering doubt that i might still have my one magic shot?"  of course, i would be the only one equipped with a chaingun and an unlimited supply of the previously mentioned bullets.  
  APPEASEMENT On the last day of a big contract, the fan on my laptop quit.  Rather than letting the fat brick melt in a blaze of glory, I bought 3 packs of frozen peas and some Ziploc baggies.  Kept two pea-packs in the freezer and one under the laptop to keep those little chips nice and comfy!  
  Ever notice how they stock the G.I. Joes as far from Barbie and Ken as possible in toy stores...just illustrates that the Kipling poem is still relevant..."...it's Tommy this and Tommy that and chuck 'im out the brute, but it's special train for Atkins when the guns begin to shoot..."  Please store owner, Joe needs some Barbie-tang...and I'd REALLY like the sailor Joe to make a bitch of Ken...just my opinion...  
  The Mr. Mister song 'Kyrie' is a good tune.  It's made doubly good because the chorus can easily be mistaken for  "Carrying a laser down the road that I must travel/Carrying a laser through the darkness of the night..."      
  After purchasing a new Gateway G6-400, I found myself saying, "I should have bought a Mac."  Worse yet, the next day I said, "I need to get AOL next semester."  I should be shot.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          A thousand years from now arceologists will dig up a Misfits album. All they'll know about our world is "I've got something to say, I killed your baby today, and it doesn't matter to me, as long as it's dead"  Better that than Ricky Martin.        
  stoned.  "you look a lot like a friend of mine in arizona."  "oh yeah? who is cuter?"  "you. it's your eyes, i think. you have really pretty emerald green eyes."  "my eyes are blue."  fucking a.  
  my boss and one of my coworkers (i work at a starbucks) are both marrying foreign guys so they dont get deported. one is getting paid to do it, the other is doing a friend a favor. funny thing is, less than six months ago, these young ladies were dating eachother. more starbucks drama ensues...  
  walking through the supermarket,  I glanced at the magazines on the rack as I passed.  I was most surprised to find Cheryl Crow in sexy undies on the cover of Stuff. Shit! I couldnt believe that I was gettin stiff over her. I never knew that her body was that hot! I tossed the magazine in the cart, made a quick detour to isle 4, picked up some lotion and headed for home to torture my prick.   On the way home I caught myself singing ..."all I wanna do is have some fun"...   
  Back when I was in high school, a friend of mine had a party and I got drunk (of course) and fell asleep on his bathroom floor, using the rug for a blanket.  What he doesn't know is that after everyone else had passed out, I woke up and went to sleep on the couch. And pissed myself while I was asleep.  I've always been an early riser, so I wake up at like 5:30 in the morning (thank God I don't get hangovers), noticed I had pissed my pants and his couch, and thought, "Oh, shit!" So I grab a bunch of paper towels to try to soak the urine out of the couch cushions and throw my clothes in the washing machine.  So I'm sitting there, waiting for me clothes to finish washing and drying, watching TV, naked, cleaning my piss out of his couch for over an hour.  My clothes finished, I put them on, and like 15 minutes later he comes downstairs. I had turned the cushions upside-down, so there was no obvious wet spot.  No one ever found out.  
  Metallica ain't got nothin on the International Silverscreen Submarine Band.  You rock, Spanky.  
  Imagine having amazing sex with a gorgeous girl and having her boyfriend walk in during.....  Sounds bad, no?  Now imagine that the night before, you had amazing sex with her boyfriend.  Neither one of them know what you're doing with the other.  Even worse.  Welcome to my predicament.  Well, what else can you do but let him join?  -+Gem  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         its weird that almost imediatly after every time i masturbate the phone rings.. whats even weirder is that i allways think its one of my neighbors looking out their window and seeing me masturbating infront of my computer    it takes the whole fun out of it  
  dirty sanchez...  nah, I personally like the Houdini.  from the doggie style - just before you climax - spit a fat wad on her back.  She will then turn thinking you are done, and then you can blow your wad in her face.  fun, and educational  but you should try the rear admiral one day.  
  My room smells like genitals.         
  When the pain finally subsided, I forgave her. But I never let her zip up my jeans again.  
  go with me on this one. los angeles county (the county that encompasses los angeles) is larger in population than 42 states. LA county encompasses 9.8 million people. Can you imagine if just half of one percent (49,000) of those people started posting regularly to the l'breezee as i like to call it? the quality content would go up tremendously. im getting excited like tony little in the gazelle infomercial, just thinking about it. i'm thinking of printing unauthorized lowbrowdotcom stickers and just sticking them everywhere. Do I love the brow? Yes I do.   The moment is me actually going to 4 different websites to compile those statistics. If you know who tony little is, well you just had a moment yourself now didn't you. if you bought a gazelle workout machine, well, ummm shame on you.     
  Last spring a friend and I were making a music video for our post-modern class, done with still photography.  We bought film at Safeway and had intended to take photos inside. The puberty police told us we couldn't film there. No big deal.  We shot some photos around town, ending up at the bank of the Fourth Reich. The bank had bomb-blast doors covering the entrance and was surrounded by cement barriers so a truck bomb couldn't drive up and blow it open. We took some pictures of the security camera shooting the entrance to the gated parking lot. A security guard from the booth came up and asked us what we were doing. We told him and he said "Alright. Carry on." and walked away.  So I began thinking. Why is it that the most heavily guarded bank in Portland will let us take pictures of their security system, but Safeway won't let us take pictures of their produce? Are they up to something? Are they afraid that Albertson's spies are going to go back and tell Mr. Albertson how effective Safeway's lemon stacking procedure is?   I guess the moral is keep your money in Safeway's vegetable section.  
  i was sitting in the dentist's chair and the dentist let one go. it was quiet but i still saw him do the one cheek sneek. so i worked one up and let it go. he couldn't get back to work for 5 minutes. i was proud of myself.  
  Sneaking quickly into her parent's house, we lock ourselves in her room.  She's the horny christian.  I'm the evil heathen.  Tension.  What if they... ?  But we touch.  Rub.  Kiss.  "What was that?!"  Nothing.  Kiss.  Rub.  Touch.  CRASH!          
  My friend's wedding.  He asks myself, and our other friend if we could roll out the cheap-ass plastic white "carpet" the bride is suppposed to walk down.  What a pain in the ass.  It's nylon rope is twisting around, making it very difficult to unroll, as EVERYONE is watching us.  About halfway down the Elk's Lodge hall, our friend drops his bottle of Jack Daniels (It was actually filled with cognac: classy!), right in the middle of the floor with a *clunk*.  He picks it up, forgets to put it in his pocket, and holds it in his hand as we stumble to finish.  The marriage lasted a whole 8 months.  Dropping the cognac was the best part of the wedding.  
  grocery shopping while high, very bad thing... the next day you wonder why theres 6 bags of doritos and no real food.. had to get high everyday for the next two weeks to be able to stomach junk food 3 meals a day  
  I was out with my dad and his friends one night, spotlighting deer and of course not tagging them (in other words, illegal hunting on two charges).  A pair of gunshots rang out in the distance that weren't from our group.  "Well, time to get to work," said one of guys, as he put on his game warden hat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         setting: NA meeting  she: "i thank my higher power, whom i choose to call God, every day for giving me the strength to quit doing dope."  me: "i thank my higher power, whom i choose to call William."  
  in february of 1999 i got angry and called a police officer the mongoloid son of a syphilitic whore.  i went to jail for four days.  i get jealous and resentful when my friends tell me about the great new guy or girl they're in love with and how happy they are.  i am a terrible person.   
  I was a size C cup in the 7th grade.  I got a lot of shit for being top heavy at the time.  One common question was "Do your tits hit you in the face when you jog?"  At the time they didn't, so this question was usually followed up by me screeching no and hitting the offender.  Fast forward to 9th grade when I was a size D cup. I was sprinting for some reason in a regular bra when I looked down and BAM! my boobs did hit me in the chin.  The next day someone asked me that same old question and I nearly cried because the answer was now yes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm probably the best pinball player that you'll ever know.  Really.  
  Overheard on the street in Brooklyn...  "I'm not the one who got pregnant."        
  A real sign seen at a dance club/bar on the top floor of the Mall of America in July 2002: "Hey Dirty Boys and Girls!  Come dance in six feet of soap suds! ..." A thought...  You'd be bound to get soap in your eyes, especially if you, like many people in the world, are 6' or less, and I'm sure there's nothing quite like adding cleaning-solution induced blindness to your list of mosh-pit injuries... Maybe not lowbrow, but really pretty damn stupid.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went shopping in the lost and found today. Found a $400 jacked.  I finally figured out why I can never find any of my own stuff in that damn place.  Someone takes it before I do. I almost felt bad taking it, because the pile was destined for a homeless shelter. But then I decided that homeless people don't need dry clean only stuff anyways.  They don't have the money to maintain it.  
  Participating in a teleconference with seven men. The facilitator has a spreadsheet on the screen of action items. Cell after cell reflects my name. He says, "Oh, bless your heart."  He wouldn't have DARED say that to any of the men.  It's a shoulda woulda coulda thing.  I should've taken myself off "mute" and told him, "I won't worry my pretty little head about it."  
  My boyfriend thinks goth girls are sexy.  I am not a goth girl, but he asks me to dress like one sometimes to turn him on.  Sometimes I think I should ask him to dress up in a suit and tie like a normal human being to turn me on instead.        
  Instant messenger is fast becoming another communication method in the office....I find that despite the fact it is used for official communication people still retain the informal chat mentality.  The other day while chatting it up with a co-worker about her husbands use of over-the-counter body building supplements she let slip this.....  (IM name withheld) : chris takes all sorts of stuff that he swears by.  but if he comes off them, he crashes like you do when you're on drugs.  it scares me some.  he thinks he's so healthy because he looks good  As a programmer my favorite source of inspiration are white-collar narcotics (percocets, oxycotion, morphine....)  Up until this point I had no idea they thought a thing about my occasional bouts of drug addiction....strange part is this woman is my boss and just gave me an excellent review and raise....   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i kinda feel that jack in the box restaurants are their own little branch of lowbrow but whilst waiting for my turn at the clownhead to order i heard the car of  in front of me order and it went like this  twelve taco grandes six double cheese burgers four regular tacos four regular cheeseburgers and two of the largest cokes you make pause  and we re not high pause  so dont spit in our food pause  please     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time when I was 13 I walked in on a complete stranger when she was using the bathroom at Rogers' Department Store.  Her surprised look and words, "I'm in here!" and the vision on her sitting on the pot remain clear as day in my memory.  I wonder if she rememebers me.    Hey lady, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.  By the way, nice ass.  
  Normally, a guy buying a Tickle Me Elmo would strike her as cute, but this guy was just plain pathetic.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  The morning after the young widow first sleeps over with me, she can't find her panties.  We search for a while. No panties.  Me: "No big deal, I'll find them later."  But she gets really agitated, to the point where I shamefully open my sock drawer and hand them to her.  She, slyly: "Hmmm, what OTHER vices do you have?"  Me, kiddingly: "Oh, none -- 'cept for the noose in the basement..."  Turns out her old man accidently knocked his stool over whiles whacking off with his head in the noose in THEIR basement...      
  Spent a good portion of the time while watching the Oscars last night discussing what a skank Gwenyth Paltrow looked like.  Yep, me in my ratty pj's with the hole in the crotch and him in his classic stained boxers.  Bet she cries if she reads this, huh?  
  I didn't shave all summer, and decided to get rid of my beard and moustache for the start of school.  Tan-line.  Ah shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He's all pissy at me because I sat on his cat's head and farted. He went off on some rant that ended in "and that's just the grossest thing I've ever seen." Open your eyes when you hear the duck quack tonight, buddy. You'll reevaluate.   
  I was having a slap and tickle fight with a friend of mine who is terribly ticklish. At one point, desperate to stop the rib tickling, she plunges her hand down the back of my pants and screams "wedgie!" at the top of her lungs. She then shrieks in horror and runs for the sink, holding her hand away from her body as if it were radioactive.  I don't wear underwear.  
  Those who feel strongly against real fur rugs have never had sex on one.       
  I personally don't much care for Anna Kournikova.  But I have a friend who goes gaga over her.  So I'm downloading images of her on Morpheus, and I find a particularly graphic one of her playing tennis, bent over, sweat-soaked crotch plainly in view.  The caption next to the image:  Airfare to London: $1400  Tickets to Wimbledon: $230  Canon EOS with telephoto: $700  This shot of Anna's wet little box: Priceless    
  I was at QuickTrip, standing next to the Hot Dog treadmill, trying to decide on a bottle of soda when this fat chick walks by and exclaims "Free Wiener Whistles!"  After a moment of terrified confusion I realize she's commenting on a special offer poster on the wiener treadmill for a free Oscar Meyer Wiener whistle with a purchase of said  wiener.  I commented, "There are a lot of interpretations to that comment"  Fat chick grins and says, "Well, sometimes you just gotta blow something."  I left her giggling in front of the Pepsi cabinet.  If I were a chubby chaser, I probably could have gotten a blowjob out of the deal...why God, why is it always the fat chicks?  
       Harley Davidson   Motorcycles   Made in the U.S.A  My ass.....  The motors might be made here but the rest of it comes from Japan. Said so right on the box my springer front end came in.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few years back I lived next to a grocery store called County Market.  It had a huge well-lit sign out front so that people could see its name from a mile away.  One day the sign's "O" burnt out and they didn't fix it for about six months.  I should have taken a picture...  
   BrewPub #102  After I almost got cut off, I stayed away for a couple weeks until I returned to normal. My stud-muffin bartender friend John mentions he hasn't seen me in a couple weeks. Me: "Yeah, I almost got cut off." I explain, in too much detail of course (I'm LongBrow Limbo, after all). Me: "But I've calmed way down. I'm civilized again." Three big football-player guys come in, sit next to me. Me, to John: "I hope they don't have women joining them, or I'm going to get embarrased." They get interested, so I explain my tendency of offering to arm-wrestle guys for their women. John moves to the other end of the bar, out of their vision, and waves his hands frantically at me, shaking his head. Too late. Right in the quiet civilized BrewPub, one of them moves to my other side. I'm surrounded by 1000lb of serious black muscle. He: "Take your pick. I see you're a leftie." Me: "But your women aren't here..." He: "Trust me -- they won't disappoint you." Me: "Well, they might be a little fat for me..."  (No, I'm not quite that stupid. I didn't say that.)  Me: "I'd better not. I love this mahogony counter. I'd hate to see a big hole in it." He: "On my side, or yours?" Me: "Go figure." He slaps me on the back gently enough that I survive, and laughs warmly. He: "What is that you're drinking?" Me: "No, it's my pleasure. What are you drinking?"  
  It's 8:10 pm right now, we were supposed to leave at 7 to go up to my friend's school for the night. I have a huge hole in the ass of my jeans, half a huge bottle of wine and the Captain in my overnight bag.   It's going to be that kind of night.  
  We were out in the country at my grandparents' "other" farm.   I shit my pants.   My grandmother had to wash my underwear out in the creek.  She was not pleased.  
  Knead mold Knead and add a little twist... What do you have???  Some loser trying to make bread outta my Tits!!!         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         limbo sez:  "Every woman, everywhere, knows (down to the square inch), exactly how much flesh and underwear they have showing, from any angle, at any time. "   Lowbrow moment? The distinct feeling of disappointment I felt upon reading that.   Although I've known girls who definitely just aren't up to the task of keeping track of what's showing at all times. Phew! I can still be a happy pervert.   
  I was up above it when the sea creature decided to spit out its voluminous wad of bile. Shit dude! It sucked!  
  I had called Jon the night before, asking if he could spare a nug -- I didn't want to buy any weed right then, but I desperately wanted to be high. Jon says, sure, no problem. But the next night, as we're about to part ways, he shrugs, then hugs me and says, "Sorry, dude. I forgot it at home." Irritating. Not surprising, but irritating. It is decided, then, that I can follow Jon back to his place to procure the forgotten spoils. He looks annoyed at this -- and I have to admit, it is pretty silly to drive forty minutes out of the way, and forty minutes back, for a single bud -- but I desperately wanted to be high. Tony accompanies me, although he has no interest in the material purpose of our sojourn, as it were. We drive. We reach Jon's. Jon runs into the house. He returns with a paper bag. We exchange bitchy repartee, and he departs. In the bag, I find a baggie containing shake. Not even the remnants of anything truly bud-like, and not very much shake at that. I am not irate, but I am irritated. I search again. Another paper bag is hidden inside. Aha! I open it, draw out another bag. Inside is one tiny -- grain? leaf? speck of green? -- and a note: "Sucka. Love, Jon." Irritating. Even Tony is irritated, and unlike me, he does not desperately want to be high. As it turns out, I was supposed to find the bag with the note first, and then discover the "better" baggie, with the shake. Jon later admitted that maybe it would have been funnier if the "better" baggie had been better than it was. And that maybe he should have just told me upfront that he didn't have very much weed left. Yeah, that would have been about eighty minutes better. I still got high off the shake, though. And I wasn't irritated after that.   
  bored. drink booze, smoke weed, brain still bored.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Everything My Mother Told Me About Sex  - if you're going to give a blowjob, do it good - they like it when you rub their balls - when you're fucking, squeeze your vagina, it'll make them explode - your dad likes it when.. *SHUT THE FUCK UP MOM!*  I was 15 years old.  
  Yesterday, I caught my roommate hairspraying her eyebrows to her face.  I thought humanity was doomed.  Then she opened up a can of SPAM and ate some.  Then I was sure.  
  if were to respond to every spam-mail i got today, i could: have larger breasts, naturally, have a bigger cock, have a hard cock, 24-7, have 200,000 email addresses of prospective customers, and get my free nascar gift. spam is the lowbrow underbelly of this beast we call capitalism. the revolution will begin as soon as i have time to come up with an alternate ideology.  
  In a bar in Minneapolis last weekend.  a Liz Phair song comes on about getting fucked by some dude.  Horrible song. Hope you never have to hear it.  Anyway, there were three fratfuck looking dudes at the bar singing along with that pathetic song.  Call me if I am wrong but I thought I heard the song lyrics say something about "...he fills me up makes me complete.  Then he zips 'em up and walks down to the street."    I cannot tell you how awesome it is to see guys like this hit on women for 4 hours and right before the bar closes, seranading one another with that song.      
  i'd been sick for about the past month: sneezing, sinuses filled with goop, really tired, etc. i didn't really have the time or the motivation to go to the doctor, or even to take the time to get well. i just didn't care.  then, one day, i was blowing my nose raw, as usual, when a shot a glob of snot the exact color and size of a golden raising out of my left nostril. i made an appointment that afternoon.  
  one time when i was about 14 or so, i took a pee break from smoking a bong with the boys. turns out they changed the bong water while i was downstairs, discarding the old stuff into my large glass of ice water. thanks for telling me guys.  
  I stopped in the bar after work to have a beer.  I only had four bucks, so that's all I got.  I noticed this girl sitting by herself drinking a glass of wine.  I never have the nerve to approach women, so I just eyeballed her a few times.  We both happened to finish our drinks at the same time and got up to go.  I said "I guess you just came in for one too?"  She said "yeah" and slowed down so I'd be in front of her.  We both parked in the dark parking lot and she took off before me and made a quick left.  When I got out of the lot she must've thought that I would follow her and I saw that she ran a red light, almost broadsiding a van.   I made a right and went home.  
  It had been a two day bender,I was on the T at 8 am on a sunday, thoroughly beaten, praying to make it home.  A little girl of five or so sat across the way with hey mom and was starring at me. I smiled as best I could a waved a little.  She came over.  "Mister-- you don't look very good..."  Mom got up and collected her-- they moved to seats down the car...  
        I was accused of humping the couch.  also, of stealing the matches.  what, i really did was just take a peep in the wrong closet  
  i know a guy named steve. well, his real name is slavo, but people call him steve. sometimes they call him lord of the rings.  what do you do to deserve such a title?  my friend told me that when steve was 13 (before i knew him) he used to have this ring that he always carried around. he didn't wear it, though. they never asked why. so on that fatefull day in art class, they saw steve bobbing up and down. they watched him from afar. he then discarded the ring, and washed his hands. they inspected the ring, and realized he had used it to wank through a hole in his pocket.   
  my parents have been on vacation for a week and are arriving home tomorrow..so, i cleaned up the house because i didn't wanna be bitched at. Okay i lied. it's 12:10am on a Tuesday night and i needed somethin to entertain me (hah if that's not lowbrow, what is it?). So i vacuumed the kitchen once (as well as every other part of the house) and cleaned up everything in sight. Now, nothing left to do..the house was cleaned up. I open the cupboard door and looked inside. it's a mess. it drives me insane. I clean it out, organizing it to hell putting half empty boxes of cereal into baggies, and filling empty jars with packages of noodles (yeah, so i have OCD. I can't help it) So i finally get to and finish the bottom shelf. done. or not. i see that the salt and pepper shakers need filling up. so i get out the box of salt, take the bottom off the salt thingy, turn it upside down and start to fill it up .. hah oops.. there's holes in the top and bottom of the salt shaker but i forget about this unil the salt shaker beings to feel more and more empty. i look down and see a nice, tidy pile of salt. i curse, i swear, i kick the pile and i get the vacuum. Kitchen Vacuumed, twice. I finally get the salt shaker filled. Now, Time to do the pepper shaker. This just goes to show that the marijuana i'm always smoking is having long term effects on me. The same thing happens. This is where the lowbrow moment comes in. I'm so angry and pissed off i actually sit next to the pile and start to cry while i watch my cat sniff the pepper and start to sneeze. sigh.  
  my friend and i were out body boarding one fine summer morning when he suddenly got struck by the shits.  with no bathroom in site, he had to crouch behind the passenger door of our car that was parked in front of a beach-side house.  i felt sorry for the folks that lived there because there was a stream of shit sitting next to their morning paper.  about 3 years later, karma bit my friend in the ass when he stepped out of his car onto a street in the city into a giant pile of human shit.  he swore the smell stayed on his shoes forever.    karma gives a shit and takes them too, you know?   
  Actual conversation between me and my 5 year old:  Son: Dad, what does it mean when you stick this finger [gives me the bird] up?  Me: It's just not nice. Don't do it.  Son: But what does it *mean*? [The thousandth time he's asked this question]  Me: It means, "Fuck You."  Son: fuck?  Me: Yes, son. Fuck. It's a word you might hear when you start school next year. Don't say it: it sounds rude.  Son: fuck?  Me: Yes, that would be the word. Please don't say it anymore.  Son: OK, I won't say fuck anymore.   What about duckfuck?  Me: No, that's another one to stay away from.  [I hope you all get to experience a 5 year old boy say the word 'duckfuck'. It's one of the funniest things ever, but I'm a good Dad and I'm straining every muscle in my head, face, and neck to look unimpressed and serious.]  Son: OK, I won't say fuck, damn, or shit anymore.  Me: That would be nice, thank you.  
  my dad is a huge pot head. before i got all my drug-related appliances from him, i'd buy dirt weed, and use a can-piece.   then i found his weed..papers..lighters..bags..bongs..ect. but i found his piece one day. so i swiped it. (thank you daddy, works great!)   then about a week later, my buddy dave and i were gettin a ride home from him. he stopped at a store, so we quickly searched his truck for more fun things. we found a can-piece. i felt kinda bad...making my dad smoke from a can...but he can always buy a new piece.  the next week, i get home from work. hes on the phone..maybe making a drug deal. i over hear him talking while counting my bazooka-joe comics for a free shirt. he claims that 'hes looked everywhere for it, and that he thinks hes going out of his mind.' im sorry dad. although im so glad im going to grow uo to be like you.  ..hes not gettign it back. he needs to find better hiding places...and not the kitchen counter.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A beautiful, smart, sexy girlfriend I had once and stupidly lost once told me that sometimes late at night at her folks' house she would watch the scrambled playboy channel and masturbate. I thought only really horny losers like me did that. Anyway, it still turns me on to think about that...  
   Courting A Cop, Take 2  From Take 1:  Me: "I'm just going to step out for some fresh air." She: "OK! I'll join you in a minute!" Me: "Eh ... oh, I'll be back in a minute." She, smiling: "OK -- thanks for warning me."   We started to get sweeter. One night she told me she was 31.  Me: "How old am I?"  She: "Oh hell, I don't know, 38?"  I took her hand and kissed it.  I asked the companion she'd come in with.  I regretted it instantly, because, too late. I recognised him as the keen cop who had recently (on my request) given me a ride home to save his buddies a few hours of work (and might have saved me from a DWI at the same time).  He: "51, right?"  Chagrined, I turned back and asked: "Is that a problem for you?"  She: "No! Don't be silly! You're a really neat guy."  That got her another hand-kiss  and  a hug, which tickled her mightily. (Tickled the hell out of me, too -- she was about as hard as Steffi Graff in her prime,  yum! )  Me: "Damn! I bet you're not nervous of me!"  Male Cop: "She has no reason to be -- she can take me down without breaking a sweat."  She happily gave up her precinct phone # (which I probably wasn't going to call anytime soon :-), but also her e-mail address.   Deferring to short-attention-span 'browers, I'll leave the lowbrow end to Take 3   
        Some times I think I'd like to found a monestary. But, because it won't be Christian, or Buddhist, or any other major world religion, it is likely people would call it a "compound". It would have a pure democratic like system, in that there would be no leader, and we would make descisions by majority rules. Aside from a few personal items, everything would be public. I would live among the other monks, as a peer, but secretly provide our doctrine. It would be a doctrine derrived from pure logic, and we would have a large picture of Mr. Spock in our main gathering hall, much like the pictures of leaders you see in communist China, so we could look to him for inspiration.  And other times, I think I just want to fall in love, and live quietly, in a run down urban apartment.  
  we used to meet in secret i used to come up on sunday nights to the elementary school       i was an intern there he taught the third grade.  i was seventeen.      he and i would mess around in the shadows      in the darkened hall ways   hed press me up against the cool tiles of the wall behind the display case where the teachers would post the art the kids did every week  
  It's true.  All men really want out of life is sex.  You might think we are attentively listening to what you are saying, but we are really looking at your tits.  We might open a door for a girl, not to be nice really, but mainly so we can check out her ass as she passes by.    If it weren't for the fact that dirty guys don't get laid, we probobaly wouldn't even shower.  It's true, we think about sex at least once ever seven seconds. Hell, I think that's an understatement.  2 seconds seems more realistic.    that's it, that's the truth, Period.  We can't help it, nature made us giant walking bags of testosterone.  We want poon.  What can we say?  
  Ok, this is two lowbrow moments.   #1 Last night at 12 I stayed up drinking with a friend of mine until 4. I wanted to sleep...I had had 4 screwdrivers and a rum and coke (all were at least 70% alcohol). He started freaking out...he'd had one more drink than me. I had to stay up an hour babysitting him. All the time I wanted to just die and go to sleep. I silently cursed him. This morning, he thanked me for babysitting him, saying nobody else would have done that. I don't feel bad. I wanted my sleep.  #2 So I'm on my way up from his house which is an hour away from mine. It's 8:00 AM because he had to work. I got one hour of sleep. I don't feel good - hungover and feeling pukey. All my way up the interstate - no cops. All the way over the bridge - no cops. I felt scot-free. Then, on one of the minor roads - a cop. I got a ticket for 74 in a 45. A $143.00 ticket with the class. I know I deserved it, but I still fucking hate the cop because he gave me the ticket when all I wanted to do was come home and puke. Thank god I have an understanding mom.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had gone out with a girl for a year and a half and she never once told me I was sexy. (She once told me my best friend had a bigger and better package than me - but that's another story)  After that I met this other girl who let me sleep on her couch one night and the next day we spent in her bed. She told me I was gorgeous, that I had a sexy voice, that I was sexy. I broke up with her after a week.  I still see the first girl nearly every day. She keeps me around for company and makes me feel like shit.  I wish I'd never broken up with that second girl.  I'm such a fucking idiot.  
  to all of you guys out there who'll be college freshmen soon, be forewarned:  you will hear a lot of rumours during your stay in the lower ranks of the college food chain.  but be wary, as not all of these rumours are true.  one in particular that i'd like to call ur attention to while i can is the rumour that girls don't poop.  u will hear this one a lot, and believe me gentlemen, after ur first full week of college cafe food, u'll want to believe it.  but, for truth's sake, gentlemen, don't.  girls do poop.  but whereas us men take every chance we get to let fly, they opt instead to hold it in as long as humanly possible.  this is why they can easily outeat many of us on some days and then curl up into fetal balls at the site of food the next.  if you're ever sitting in class next to a girl who's acting angry, snobby, cold, or outright rude, don't hold it against her.  see, she knows that girls poop.  she knows it better than most.  this girl has to poop; more than that, she's had to poop for a couple of days now.  her cold temperment can be attributed to this.  but the coldness isn't just due to the sheer concentration of holding in such a burden--she's angry because she knows that later, she's going to have to smell it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My roomate last year would never knock in the morning when she came home from class, and I'd usually wake up and masturbate before I went to shower and go to class. She caught me a couple times. One time I didn't notice that she had come in , so I said I was "scratching myself". She didn't believe me at all and gave me that " I know what you were doing" look. I think she may have told my other roomates , but that's ok, I started putting a sign on the door that said "I'm having a private monet , please come back later. Worked like a voodoo charm.  
  class situation n  1  Teacher asks one pupil to come forward during chemistry lessons. I raise my hand and step forward.  Teacher produces large brown bottle and asks me to take a slight sniff and tell the class what it smells like.  Trying to impress my fellow pupils, I snort all i can take in into my 14-year old lungs.  Pass out.  Teacher: "DO NOT SNIFF ETHER!!!"  Good lesson,  sensei  
     I was at Wal-Mart last night.  I admit, despite all the typification of stereotypes associated with a Wal-Mart visit, that college life has enlightened (or rather forced me) to recognize the practicality of what it has to offer.      Anyway, I was waiting in line, just kind of staring, when I noticed the woman in front of me.  She was with her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend (or husband).  She was in shape, wearing jeans and a pink shirt, and her belt and her shoes matched, as did the color on her fingernails and toenails.  But then I noticed her hair dye...it wasn't what I'd call bleach blond, but more a nasty brittle yellow not quite suited for a hair color attempting to pass off as natural.  Then I observed her make-up...it was piled on so thick it made her skin dark.  You could actually see the swipe of her blush, and heavy mascara threatened to tumble onto her cheeks at any second.  I then overhear he say, "Oh look, they have Twinkies on sale!  And Ho-Hos!"    I saw her again in the parking lot.  Appropriately, she drove an orange Mustang.  It was a hideously ugly car.    
  A stellar quote from a girl named Jen:  "I hate it when I suddenly find myself in a car in the parking lot sucking off some guy I don't know".      
  I'm a short girl.  When a guy has his finger working away down there I feel the need to reciprocate.  Unfortunately because my arms are short this puts me at a terrible angle to whack a guy off.  This accounts for at least 4 guys getting laid, instead of just getting hj's.  It gets tiring for the arm, my pelvis is better shape.      
        Too bad we can't be completly honest with our feelings.   I just hope the technology to make us all telepathic gets here soon.    Then, when the psychic hotline commercials are on, you could tell whether they are lying or not about being psychic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a friend told me he had wanked off in a raw squid tube.  money to burn eh?  
  I got these bumps on my willy, and was scared for a while that I had genital warts.   My doctor told me that it wasn't anything serious...just too much friction from jerking off.  There isn't anything more lowbrow than giving yourself an STD.  
    We have established that MTV and intelligence cannot coexist peacefully.        
  On the way to my math class one day i stopped off to the ladies room. The school bathrooms are filthy so i squat, only this time the majority of my urine ended up on the floor and the bottom half of my pant leg.  Already late for my last class of the day i rolled up one pant leg and proclaimed i had "funky fresh" and "dope" style. No one was the wiser; dumbass rednecks.  
  the bitch was due to have her office re-decorated. The night before I left a dildo behind the filing cabinet.  I wanted to see if the decorators would hand it back.   
  Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and clear your mind. Let your thoughts slowly drift away from the worries of the day, and the uncertainties of tomorrow. Just concentrate on this very moment, because after all, it's the only thing that's actually real. Picture a ball of light resonating inside you, filling you with warmth and reminding you that all things in the universe are truly one. Now, for sixty straight seconds, think about something, anything other than lithe, naked toddlers.    You can't do it, can you?  
  Stoned, we flicked pennies into the fan. They came back out in random directions with suprising velocity. 20 minutes into this game I threw a quarter.  When we picked up all the change it wasn't anywhere near enough to buy a new window.  
  I have recently discovered purging.  I wonder if this is going to become a habit.  I've heard all the horror stories about bulimia, so I hope it doesn't.         
  I was riding my bike along the Charles, in freaking broad daylight when a bunch of young thugs whacked me in the head and swiped my bike at gunpoint. I bled like a stuck pig and nobody, none of the 15 or so people who saw the whole thing go down, tried to help me. I called the cops. They told me I shouldn't be riding alone at night. It wasn't night when I called your ass I said to them a little peturbed. They took me Mass General and some intern was fondling my ass as he stiched up my head. they threw away my Jets cap and my $300 dollar glasses while that was going on.  Then the State Police wanted to ask me about the person who did this to me. I got to talk to a sketch artist, which was pretty cool considering the other shit. Then theytried to have me pin it on someone else becasue they wanted to pick this clown up for something or other. I was bent. I lost it.  I gave them all a ration of shit about being fascist assholes and the like. I had to walk to Beacon Hill where I lived to find my girlfriend, pissed as hell at me for being late. It was 2:00 AM when I got home. My bike was swiped at 4:00PM. Boston sucks. At least in New York, you don't get mugged at gunpoint in broad daylight.         
  On a cold, wintry day in February, a mother turkey laid a little egg. In this egg was to be the savior of all turkeys nationwide. This egg was Jed. After his egg hatched, Jed steadily developed into a young, vivacious turkey. The year was 1692, but turkeys back then were illiterate and had no true use for human time. Turkeys were sprawling all over the countryside and living generally carefree lives.   Jed's childhood was not all hugs and kisses, however. His father had left them when Jed was still confined to the nest. His mother had to scavenge for all their food. If that weren't enough, the other kid turkeys were dirty little punks to Jed. One turkey, who was given a true misnomer, Angel, was especially mean to little Jed. Angel would pull on Jed's little red dangly thing and make him cry. One other time, Angel tripped Jed, and Jed had a gimpy knee for two weeks. After his internal bleeding stopped, Jed vowed acrimonious and caustic retaliation against the bully. When they were in school one day, Jed put a sterno can under Angel's desk. This caused to Angel to slowly begin basting. The smell was overwhelming. (The smell of a cooking turkey may smell wonderful to us, but to a turkey it reeks like defocate.) Jed couldn't stand it. His conscience had permeated his thick aura of angst toward Angel.   "Dr. Demento," he slowly began, "I put a Sterno can under Angel's desk. I deserve any and all punishment you wish to dispense upon me." Dr. Demento took this as an oppurtunity to practice his telekinetic whipping ability. (That is, his power of whipping someone with just his mind.) After school that day, Jed was told to stand in front of Dr. Demento's desk and prepared to be punished severely. He stood there; eyes closed, teeth clenched ready for anything. Nothing. Demento concentrated harder. Still nothing. Harder, still. Nothing. Finally, after twenty minutes of concentration, Dr. Demento passed out. (When he concentrated, Demento didn't breathe.)  This impacted Jed's life very heavily. From then on, he was going to strive to do good for all. For a while, he was successful. He played basketball with the disabled turkeys, fed the poor turkeys, and even converted the pagan turkeys to Grogginism, the monotheistic turkey religion. One day, however, Jed was ambling along the side of the road when he came upon a comrade of his. His friend, Cecil, lay there, still. In the middle of his body was a giant U-shaped imprint. (It was a horse hoof, but Jed was slightly ignorant of species other than those indiginous to his area.) This was not what intrigued him. The smell was tantalizing. He actually wanted to taste his friend's flesh. When no one else was looking, Jed pinched off a little bit of his friend's innards. He raised it to his beak, inhaled briskly, and stuffed the little piece of turkey flesh into his mouth. And the scary thing was, he liked it...   After discovering his cannibalistic tendencies, Jed went into seclusion, surviving off the carcasses of turkeys who had suffered a fate similar to that of his friend. One day, after feasting on a dead turkey, Jed had a realization. What if he were to hunt turkey, and eat it fresh? It was bound to taste even better! The following evening Jed constructed the world's very first turkey trap. Essentially, he put some food on the ground, intended to ambush his prey, and peck to death. Not surprisingly, Jed's plan was entirely effective. But after having one turkey, he had to have another, and another. Jed steadily made the world unsafe for turkeys. In fact, turkeys were approaching the brink of extinction. Jed, realizing this, started going to AA meetings. These weren't very effective, due to the fact that Jed was not an alcoholic, and he didn't speak English. He continued eating and eating...   He ate until there were just two turkeys left on this continent. This other turkey was a hideous she-turkey with ragged feathers and a droopy beak. Jed made a promise to himself to never, ever eat this monstrosity. But then Jed then realized his duty. He and Helga, the other turkey, must reproduce. This was the only way for turkeys to survive. So he and Helga started repopulating this continent with turkeys.   Meanwhile, Puritans seeking religous freedom sailed their way from England and came to Cape Cod. They were sick and needed great help. The natives were more than willing to lend a helping hand. With the natives' help, the Pilgrims survived the first winter, and to show their gratitude towards the natives, elected to have a dinner. There was one problem. What to serve? They had cranberry relish, bread, butter, and all the good stuff, but were missing one thing- meat. Then one day, a Pilgrim saw a fat, ugly bird and shot it out of sheer fear. That bird was a turkey.   So you see, Jed saved not only his race, but was also indirectly responsible for Thanksgiving, a tradition that continues even today. Originally, the turkey was a beautiful bird, not dissimilar to the peregrine falcon; but since Jed had depleted the species to Helga and him, all turkeys became fat and ugly. He was fat, and she was ugly.    
  The best things in life are $19.95.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walked out to my car the other day and found a ribbon tied to the antenna. It read  "MADD." Boy, they got that right. Those people are nuts.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I decided to buy an MP3/cd player...  I go into FYE (yes over priced but I needed one before friday) and looked at two MP3/CD players.  I saw two which looked good. I looked at both of thier features and they looked identical.  One was 130$ another 100$. I was baffled so I asked the sales person what the difference was other than the price.  She started reading off thier features looking for difference unable to find any so she started making them up.  Even with them made up I pointed out both the cd players had the same features.  The best thing she could come up with was that the more expensive one had a larger display.  Now the lowbrow part of this is, readers, is that I ended up buying the more expensive MP3/CD player anyways although the two cd player's features were the same.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever woken up from a night of heavy drinking, look next to you and think to yourself, "Who is that girl, and why does she look like something out of a tim burton movie?"  
        i was hanging out with "my boys" as i call them. and they were talking about sex and lust and masturbation.  they all looked so shocked when i said, "yes, i do it too... and it could be the best i've had!"  they moved on to football after that.  
  Working for the Better Business Bureau definatly has its perks: who is someone going to complain to if I tell them to "chill the fuck out"?  I can go home satisfied knowing that I helped another valued consumer in corporate America.  
  we were all sitting around, introducing ourselves to the new folks, getting re-acquainted with the old ones, and the question was asked, "what are 3 things you can't live without?" "uhm, shampoo, good reading material, aaaaaand...let's say, my boyfriends enormous cock." dead silence fills the room. oops. once again, my attempt to fill the conversation with ribald humor has merely left me looking like a pervert. my impulse to announce this bit of information was discussed in much detail... needless to say, everyone there now free-associates my name with the word (concept of) cock. i have a feeling this is going to create a whole wealth of problems for them all, somewhere down the road.  
   Young Love In Japan  There's a parasitical worm museum in Tokyo that has become a popular hangout for young lovers(!) (NY Times): "[Nothing] can outdo the museum's pi ce de r sistance: an 8.8-meter-long (28.5 feet) tapeworm frozen for eternity in blue Lucite. The white worm is so long that it fits into the vertical case only by being draped up and down seven times. There's an equally long string nearby if you want to measure it yourself. (Warning to sushi lovers: The tapeworm was taken from the small intestine of a man who ate marinated trout.)"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon to many expensive beers.  I pretend I can tell the difference between an $8 bottle of wine and a $30 one, but I usually can't.  
  Spiritually speaking, I'm fucking your mother right now.  In fact?  I'm -always- fucking her.  Fucking her, in my heart.   
  Barcelona is beautiful in late March. With the buds so close to the surface you can smell spring coming, and the pretty women glancing toward the beach as they do when expecting their men to return from a foreign war.   "What language is everyone talking?" she cooed to me as we walked out of a bar, arm in arm.  "Gibberish. And they better stop it before I start shooting."   
  I recieved a letter from the IRS yesterday.  It went into great detail about the new tax rebate the country has recieved.  It talked about how citizens could recieve upwards of $2,000.  And at the bottom it said:   "It has been determind that you are NOT elegable for this tax rebate."  
  i was at a friends house one day i was chillin alone in one room of the house listening to nirvana by my self. then my other friend walks in to talk to me and as she leaves turns out the lights. then her the brother of the house comes in saying that me and the girl are "doing it" so, to further elaberate this, i unzip and un button my pants, thinking that some other person is going to walk in and laugh. then, my friends mother walks in and sees my pants unzipped, and walks away. i didnt think much of it until my friend walked out of the room and saw the mother shaking her head and mumbling to herself. oh well.  
  This fashion trend of the slim fit black pants that flair, over the black high heel boots that all the girls are wearing these days.  I guess it was only a matter of time until everyone starting dressing like an old episode of Star Trek.   jeez!      
  She whipped my clothes off, and I told her that I wanted her more than anyone in my life.   She replied that it was merely because she was ovulating and therefore secreted a chemical which triggered the emotion of desire when detected by my olfactory bulb.   Then she gave me a handjob.  Fuck biology majors.  
  Smokers don't hate everyone. Smokers are cool. We don't go around trying to get non smokers to smoke. We don't give a rip whether you smoke or not.  However, if you are a fat person and you tell me, as you eat your second helping of lunch after you have ridden the elevator up one floor after you have parked in a handicapped space so you wouldn't have to walk very far -   that I am ruining my health by smoking...  as I watch what I eat and am slender, use the stairs always, take advantage of the walk from the parking lot to where ever, and do not need any kind of meds for adult Diabetes -  You'd best be prepared for a very hostile reply.  
  Saturday afternoon, indian summer. I am online, chatting to my best friend when I hear rustling from my kitchen.  "Ummm David hang on a sec... there's something in my kitchen - I'll brb" "OK" I head into the kitchen just in time see a scaly tail disappearing behind the bin. Shit - what the fuck was that????? Heart rate shoots up to 150... it looked like a snake. But hell I am an Aussie chick (tm) - we wrestle crocs for breakfast.  Grab the mop, ease the bin away from the wall... ok its definitely reptile. Fuck. How the fuck did something reptilian get in my damn kitchen?? I live in the inner city for chrissakes.  Pull the bin even further away - take a deep breath and look down the side of it. Thank christ - its a lizard. A blue tongued lizard but thank christ its not a snake. Run back to the puter. "shit shit shit its a lizard" "is that all???" "wtf am i going to do with it???" "I dunno - move it outside" "incase it escaped your attention I am not fucking Steve Irwin" "blah blah blah - go deal with your lizard :P - I'll wait" Look around my house for something to put it in... finally find a largish box. Stick the box near the bin and after poking, prodding, finally herd the lizard in. Leave it in the box trying to work out what to do without. Finish chatting (adrenaline rush over), do housework, and remember its still there just as night is about to fall. Too late to take it to the park.  Then I remember my neighbour who has been semi-stalking me (thats a whole other post). Smiling, I walk out my backyard and peek over the fence. He's not around. Look out the front to see if his car is there... it isn't. Walk back inside, grab the box, stand on a chair, and dump the lizard over the fence into some ferns. Crisis over. The next morning I am chatting the friend again telling him what I did. He can't stop laughing, I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Then i hear this fullthroated SCREAM (yes scream) from next door. "Ahhhhh - think he just found the lizard..."   
  Not my moment, but I got to witness this: pickup truck, front seat crowded with "local" skanks, on their way downtown, feeling cocky and flipping off everyone they pass. Running parallel to them, car full of drunk guys, whooping and yelling. At the light, a guy jumps out and runs up to the truck and hands in a piece of paper, possibly a phone number, who knows? Skank laughs in his face and throws the paper to the ground.  Next light, guy jumps out of car and runs up to the truck, gesturing wildly for them to roll down the window again. They do, expecting another note they can throw in his face.  He leans in and pukes. Runs back to his car and takes off at the green light, while the skanks leap around in the truck shrieking in disgust. I almost chased down the drunks so I could shake their hand... almost.  
  Is it just me, or can you never cry when you eat pudding? You laugh, but the next time you're sobbing reach for the Jello Instant and you'll know what I'm talking about.   
  If it's three a.m. est, I'm probably poking around here alongside you. I couldn't sleep again, and I'm tired of masturbating. What's your excuse?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was watching Dead Man On Campus on tv, and as Alyson Hannigan looks at her horrifying burned up hair in the mirror after the psycho roomate set it on fire while lighting her bong, the same guy comes up behind her and says, "Uh, I'd recommend you use conditioner."  I thought that was so funny. Laughed my ass off.   Later, I rented the movie from my video store, and when it got to that point, I braced myself for laughter. However, this time the guy said, "I guess a blowjob's out of the question." I didn't even chuckle. It wasn't that funny, and I was shocked. The edited television version of a movie was funnier than the regular version. Who'da thunk it.  
  drving back to the warehouse from the last delivery of the day i reek of olives because the asshole that cut me off one hour earlier caused the pallette of them i had in the back of my van to slide to the front... breaking about half of the 50 pound containers i look over and see some truck blasting lynard skynard good song i thought the bumper sticker read "Beer: 4 out of 5 people prefer it to prozac"   
  I bought a pack of Pokemon cards just to see what they were.  They were pretty damn stupid, and there was a kid whose parents looked pretty mean and wouldn't give him any money to buy cards, so I gave him mine.   After they left, I decided to look in the price guide to see how much the cards had been worth, and it turns out I gave away almost $70 worth of little pieces of cardboard.  Sigh....  I guess that's what I get for doing my "good deed of the year."        
  Her feet were amazing - each digit almost as long as a finger.  "I'll bet you could pick things up with those," I said.  "Yeah," she said.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  From now on, everyone should use the word "cunt" as an adjective to mean "fiercely uncool."  Example:  "He used to be my friend, but now he's really cunt."  and: "I would party but I really have to study." "Cunt, man."  I'm hoping cunt will replace the pejorative meaning of the word gay in our vernacular.  -- Jon  
  *walk into bathroom*  *open cabinet, see can of shave gel with "dad" written on it"  "Wait a minute, my dad has a beard"  *shudder*  
  Maybe I did get arrested. It happens. But at least I got arrested for setting fire to the lawn of a deputy sheriff while drinking beer and listening to a crappy radio station.   
  If you drive an obscenely expensive vehicle and take up two parking spaces so no one will get close enough to ding your doors... baby, you are just begging to get keyed. I love it when they beg.  
  So I'm hanging out with this girl all the time in high school. She's a lesbian, but I don't know this at the time.  Her parents are all like super Mormon and stuff and I'm this big hippie, so we're both having a lot of fun with her "corruption" right?  Yeah, like buying tye-dye clothing.  Hardcore. So a local independent theatre is playing a movie called "Disco Dolls in 3D."  They're gonna pass out 3D glasses.  I figure, campy, kinda like Rocky Horror Picture Show.  No.  It's hardcore porn. I'm 18. She's 17, I snuck her in.  I'm sitting next to her the whole time not wanting to stay and look like a pervert if she is hating this, not wanting to leave and look like a prude if she's into it.  I stay through the entire 2 hours of 3D hardcore agony making subtle comments designed to see what she thinks.  Damn.  
  god you principled people. i bet i get more in a week then you get in a month. why? i'll fuck her, and her, and her and her. and you will only do the alternative one.  
  The other day, I was walking on the drag and this guy said,   "Hey, there.  Can I have 50 cents?"  I said, "Sorry, I don't carry cash..."   (It's true.)  He said,  "Ok, then will you be my girlfriend for 3 days?"  I laughed, said,  "Sorry."  Then it occured to me:  Does he really think I'm only worth 50 cents for THREE DAYS???  
  He was the High school varsity quarterback injecting himself into a conversation.  I was the 5'10" 130lbs kid that didn't take shit from anyone.  He: You couldn't even beat your own ass.  Me: Hey, ______, I will beat your fucking ass.  (he grabs my shirt and pulls me to about an inch away from him)  He: What did you say?  Me: I said, "Hey, ______, I will beat your fucking ass"  He drags and throws me across the cafeteria.  He would later  punch me in the face when we were off school grounds.  Was it worth it?  Fuck yeah, because I let everyone in the cafeteria know (including him) that he wasn't invinsible.  He let me know that I wasn't either.  
   I realized that I am getting old when I read a tourist guide book which recommended: "For the OLDER traveller, we suggest the 'so and so' disco which plays hits from the 80s"  Hey man, I thought I was hip listening to "Tears For Fears" and "Dire straits."  Now they call me an old guy.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am a large fan of the lowbrow nation. I also work in several computer labs, lowbrow passes the time. In appreciation of all that lowbrow has done for me I am printing off selected lowbrows with a large black READ ME  on the top and I just leave them at the printer. I started this quest about 10 min ago. 3 people have walked up to the printer  grabbed their papers    about to walk off  "(oh wait what is that)" read the lowbrow moment  and snicker. I have either killed and angel or done the would a great deed!   -pod  
  i used to live abroad in a country where delivery guys are constantly riding around on fucking mopeds. they're always edging their way just past cars, or in between them, or cutting 'em off right as the light turns green. i adjusted my wiper fluid dispenser accordingly.   
  Waves lap a round rock The smooth rock flashes in the shadowless day The sky is  supernatural, cloudless blue   I am stirred by the wonder But my scrotum is harried by sand grit  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  my friend mike told me this story about a kid at his highschool, where they were doing this drama exercise or play or something, and this one guy, he starts getting it on with a girl in the prop room. and i DO mean GETTING IT ON, to the point that people start hearing some REALLY passionate noises from outside, until the screaming and moaning peaks, and its suddenly very obvious that they are not the result of pleasure. there are sobs mixed in now.   people rush in the room, and the guy's hunched over in the corner bleeding and screaming, and the girl's on the other side of the room, crying.    she gave him a handjob.   she forgot to take her rings off.     -- but its not over --    weeks later, the kid's out of the hospital or whatever, and they're in sex ed class, acting out scenarios where "its OK to say no to sex." the previously injured kid and some girl are in one such scenario. (mind you, the whole handjob mutilation was still a senitive, recent bit of headlining embarassment.) and mike, in the back, yells:  "make sure she TAKES HER RINGS OFF!"   whoops. mike had his foot in his mouth for all of 3 seconds before everyone broke out laughing.  
  In High School, in the Chemistry lab, I steal a jar of silver nitrate and take it home. I'm a smart, smart, smart Chemistry student, so I know what it's used for. It's used for photographic film, because it turns dark brown or black on exposure to light. I perform tons of neat experiments that evening, very educational. Next morning, I wake up and my ten fingers are all dark brown, and it won't wash off, no matter how hard I try. I plead sickness, but my mom (the bastard) makes me go to school anyway. I put the bottle back, but have you any idea how hard it is to hide both of your hands for three days? In high school? I do.  
  When I was a kid we used to call the "boss monsters" of nintendo games the "main stain".    My buddy now has a 7 year old who uses this phrase with his friends when playing his playstation.  I don't think we're ever aware that we're changing the world.   
  I once noticed a green thing poking straight outta my cat's butt. Upon closer incpection it was a blade of grass.  I slowly pulled out about 4 inches of smooth green grass blade.  Nice kitty.  
  "Yes," he said, "I once had a glorious mullet."  
  we were sitting in the park, by the water when a group of drunks walked by...one broke off from the group, came back to stand infront of us and said, "hey! you guys! what do *you* think of the millennium?" to which we all replied, "it doesn't start until 2001." how odd, the new millennium.  i have a muslim friend who is thinking of spending the night at church, to get in some extra last minute praying, just in case the world ends.  i say, to hell with that, if all the christians are to be believed, i'm going to hell anyways, but i don't care cause i don't believe in it. if the world *is* going to end i'm grabbing me a fifth of something and hopping in my car and driving.  anywhere.  even to reston.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother went to college in West Virginia.  I went to visit him when I was 17 and he took me to a coal miner bar that had a shaved nude dancer they called Face cause her head was way bigger than it should have been.  A coal miner paid her five bucks to eat her in the corner.  She sold us a doobie on her break. Some woman kept pacing up and down the bar saying "My tooth! My tooth!" and doing shots of whiskey.  My brother always did know the best places to drink.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A girl with an attitude is not good for a real dude.        
  my sister was about 9 years old and she had the perfect ranchy joke to tell my off-color gampa.   So she starts off with  "hey pepe, do you have hemorrhiods...  he says "yeah"  except, that wasn't part of the joke and she didn't know what to say after that.  
  So I went over to the nearest naturist resort ("nudist colony" to those of you who think of nude recreation as a closed cult), as I do (on average) once or twice a summer. (It's over the state line in Louisiana.) I had to unlock the back doors of the minivan to put away the chair I had brought but didn't need. After putting it away, I decided to use the auto-lock button to lock all the doors, then manually unlock the driver's-seat door. I then proceeded to swim as usual.  About an hour later, I went back to the vehicle to get the bag lunch I had packed. The moment I opened the door, the alarm went off. I had thought the thing could only be turned on using the remote that clips onto the keychain; the more fool me. Unfortunately, my parents had gone off on a road trip, taking with them the two remotes that work with that van; I have the remote that works with the SUV they took (which they took because it has a trailer hitch).  When I went to leave, the alarm went off, and I couldn't get the vehicle to shift into gear. I wound up having to disconnect the horn (the park's live-in manager said either I disconnected it or he was gonna smash the sumbitch), or rather to stand around trying not to look  completely  clueless while two gentlemen of slightly more mechanical skill than myself pulled out the fuse that powered the horn.  I wound up calling a tow truck, which took me to the only Chrysler dealership I could find in the phone book (the one in Covington). While we were waiting to be seen, one of the tow drivers asked me if I'd tried turning the key in the door lock. (He said he'd asked before and gotten an affirmative answer, but if he did, I obviously didn't understand the question.)  I tried it, and lo and behold, it worked. We reconnected the fuse for the horn, he billed me for the towing, and lo and behold, all was good again.  It was riding in the tow truck en route to Covington that I realized I'd have to write this up. Just because I haven't seen any of my previous moments doesn't mean they haven't been posted, I know, but if this isn't a lowbrow moment, then I don't know what is.  
  if someone tells you they are going to commit suicide.  NEVER ask why, you dont have the time to deal with it.  
  how i spent my new year's eve, by another lowbrow schmuck.  at my new sort-of boyfriend's house.  in the wee hours.  something on tv.  in bed.  i'm lovingly administering a blowjob.  something on tv.  my back to the box.  mellow music.  the job is done.  i look up.  what's that on the boob tube?  the cheapest lame-ass chatline station spooning up malformed bikini wenches to anyone pathetic enough to watch.  including, apparently, my sort-of no-longer boyfriend.    
  how lucky i am to be a man with sensitive nipples!  
  my best friend tells me, "take a really big hit, i don't want them to think you're a dork." so i do. half an hour later, she dragging me home with newspaper print on my facce and tunafish in my ear.  
   First Impressions Count For A Lot  I still remember the first two LowBrow moments that came up when I found this site (but I can't remember how I ever found this site): The first one was about the car that gets 500mpg on infant blood. The second was the one that ends: "You never forget your first garden Gnome." Purty well sums up the site, wouldn't you say?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          awwwww Brad Pitt, awwww Val Kilmer.....  So many females fawn and pant. How many of these objects of desire have burned in the hell that is war. How many have thrown away their futures to save a friend.   How noble and useless they all are.  And super models can all go to hell too.        
  When I was 16 or so, I wanted to grow a moustache.  I managed to grow a pretty pathetic one, which I kept until about 20.  It stayed pathetic the whole time.  So somewhere in the late teens, early 20s, I start to get some decent chest hair.  Now, early 30s, I've got mutant upper-arm hair, hair all the way up to the tip of my cock, and a full-on back fro.  When I'm naked, it looks like I'm wearing furry shorts.  I tell me wife that if she keeps teasing me, I'm going to run off an become a sasquatch.  
  Just once, I'd like to see a chimpmunk on crack fight a squrrel who is also on said crack. Just to determine which is the dominant species... While cracked out their mind.  
  A moment I'm going to treasure once it's over:  We were outside, at work, he was having a ciggie, trying to ignore the intense attraction we had and I'm talking, enjoying the moment, enjoying simply being with him, inconsequential shit while he finishes off his cigarette...my mind half on this little dance we were doing, every step getting us closer to each other without anyone else noticing...  I see him shaking. It's warm, but I ask him if he's cold. He says no.  Later he tells me that while I was talking he got this incredible hard on and it was all he could do NOT to take my hand and put it on his pants, and that's why he was shaking, the compulsion was *that* strong.  Do you have *any* idea what that knowledge does to a girl?  gaaaaaaaaaaaah.....    
  i was in love with someone else.    "what's your game?" i asked him.  he mumbled, "well, i like you, the conversations we have.." [and here i interrupt to point out that we had fucked more times than we had engaged in conversation] "...but you know, i've been seeing someone on and off for a year, i'm ten years older than you..." he tried hard to come up with a good third reason.  "do you think," i asked, "that if you weren't good in bed you'd be here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         everyday one summer: wake up, after noon... skateboard... donate plasma... buy meat and spirits with plasma bank money... wander neighborhood looking for charcoal... steal charcoal off some meathead's porch... grill meat, drink spirits... pass out. repeat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Read on Lowbrow:  I once asked my neighbor why he was joining a frat.   He said "Don't call it that. It's a Fraternity."    When asked why he was taking it so seriously, he responded thusly, with a straight face:    "You don't call your country "cunt", do you?"    I heard this from a frat boy myself.    I responded, "Well, I call frat boys cunts."  He wasn't nearly as amused as I was   
  A stripper just sent me an e-mail asking if she could move out on her boyfriend and rent a room from me. She is also hinting around for a job.  I am easily old enough to know better, but I am still wondering if I should go for the whole lowbrow experience and let her move in.  Maybe I will just go for a mini-lowbrow and just give her the opportunity to "talk" me into it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was getting a handjob from this girl who had been giving me a massage with this special massage oil. Just as I was getting ready to blow a load, my dick started burning like fire. I've never had anything simultaneously hurt so bad and feel so good in my entire life. After I came, my junk felt like it was on fire with the flames of Hell. The active ingredient in the massage oil? Cayenne pepper! So I got a second handjob out of it, this time, with aloe-based moisturizer. My dick still hurts...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sitting in the sand at golita beach, under an umbrella, listening to the doors quietly... i've got a cooler full of arizona iced tea, and an un opened pack of parlimant lights at my side.  ahhhhhh...  
  Even more troubling, now that I'm thinking about the subject, is this thought:   Kermit obviously had no external genitalia; that means "Miss" Piggy must have had the balls in the relationship. (They had kids, didn't they?)  I suppose a man living as a woman and a woman living as a man is a good match. But I somehow think the religious right would have a problem with it.  
   a recent conversation so what happens if someone takes you pennyante advice and does off themselves what the fuck are you some kervourkian for the lamespirited wow i never thought of it as a problem with someones spirit maybe it is in a world of cash as cash can i may have overlooked the one thing that separates us from the monkies who fling shit at each other from trees spirit wait a minute were not really alll that far out of the trees yet       
  I love caller i.d. That way, when they call from the job you just quit to ask why, you can answer the phone, scream fuck you fuck you fuck you into it, and hang up... resting assured it's not your mom... like the time before you got caller i.d.  
  I stop by my friends place.  He grogilly waves me in.  I sit and watch several hours of television with him. The entire time, he's napping. I stop by a few nights later.  He asks me "did you stop by the other night?"  I say, "yeah, you were napping the entire time I was here" He says "Oh, I'm sorry if I wasn't being a very good host, I guess the morphine was a little stronger than I suspected" He doesn't remember either conversation now.  He's a walking lowbrow moment.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once when I was sixteen I told my friend, Howie, that I didn't know how he did it.  He asked what I meant.  I told him that if his sister, "Goose," was actually *my* sister I would fuck her every single day.  A week later I made good on that statement.  Howie stopped talking to me and moved out of his parents house a month after that.  
  God, could that girl clean the meat off of buffalo wings.    
  Neighbors, you'd better be putting those gardenhoses and sprinklers away at night. I just got a new set of hedge clippers, and there's nothing on TV tonight.   
  One of the places I temped for gave out memberships to Costco instead of a bonus come Xmas time. I go there most weekends just to cruise to food demo giveaways. It's a good cheap lunch and they really don't give a shit if you hit them three or four times.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         last night i had a dream i caught my wife in the bathroom making her pussy all wet.  i said, janie, why the hell are putting the cat in the toilet?  
  My first official drunk party (Never drank til I was 19), I found one of those glow sticks. I had a button up type shirt on with button pockets. I put it on and put the flap over it. Hey I was too wasted to realize the idiocy of it.  Well there was this particularly volumptuous individual who approached me and asked me for the glue stick. I said, but how can you wear it, you have no buttons. If I recall correctly, she indicated she'd place it in the cleavage.  My response?  Can I pin it on you?  Politely enough, she replied, no you can't touch my boobs. I tried like 3 more times then gave up and gave her the glow stick.  Then right at the end of the party another girl approached me and notified me she was very drunk. Had I no conciousness and a better grip on my surroundings I would have turned it into a profitable situation. But all I did was put my arms around her and did some sort of weird erotic dance. I don't recall her reaction.  
  He's my best friend because we both like thinking that we have a bumbling sidekick.  
  I saw his picture on 'Friendster'.  He was wearing leather and makeup.  He finally came out.  Now I know why he wouldn't fuck me that night. Fortunately I wasn't connected to him.  
   Miracle Spring Water! Find Jesus!  I am not making this up. I fell asleep in front of my computer once again, and wake up to some Christian Tent Renunion thing. 'Cept it's actually an infomercial. Some greasy flat-top haircut weasel is selling "Miracle Spring Water" for $19.99 (plus some large undisclosed amount of shipping and handling) per bottle.  People are jumping up and down in the tent, and he's spraying them right and left with a bottle of Miracle Water that he just happens to be holding in his crotch. " Just order this Miracle Water, read the instructions, drink it, and Yeouuu will find Jesus!"   (Oh, by the way, he's pasty white, while all the people he's "saving," including the ones jumping our of wheelchairs, are black...)  Well, land's sakes! You could just blow me over! It's amazing! But enough of this crap.  Reminds me of the Zen Buddist version of the same scam. They would give away bottles of stuff with the instruction:  "If you can drink all of this bottle without once thinking of water, you will attain Nirvana." What was in the bottle was of course water. 'Cept it wasn't a scam. The idea being that if you can disassociate yourself from verbalizing words for everything, you might not quite attain Nirvana, but you'd be well on the way. And they didn't charge for it, or wear greasy flat-top haircuts, either...  
  I remember meeting one of my former neighbors in this run-down apartment complex we all lived in over a bar.  Me and a friend were in his place one weekend a.m. and he had just gotten up.  He had been at the bar downstairs most of the night and had slept in his futon.  Not ON the futon....IN it.  Seems he had gotten so drunk that he thought the top of the futon cover was a blanket.  He ripped it open and slid himself inside the futon mattress itself kind of like a pita.  He proceeded to get up that morning, and walk toward the bathroom....not before turning to the side and spitting on his own carpetted floor.  My friend and I just looked at each other and realized just where we were living.  
  A friend of mine and I plan on going camping and meeting up with some people. Unfortunately, plans fall through and we end up being the only two people up for partying.  Whatever, we have a cooler full of beer, a sweet car, and a campsite.  We end up getting piss ass drunk, driving down deserted back roads standing out of the sunroof screaming and throwing empty milwaukee's best cans out of the car.    Dumb luck gets us back to the parking lot near our campsite in one piece.  If you have ever been in a volvo, you know how cumfy they are.  We decide to just chill in the car drinking more and listening to really loud music.  By the way this is in the "radio free zone" of the park.  The place where nice familys go to have a nice quiet camping trip.  So at 3 in the morning we are cranking bob marley and singing along quite poorly.  Then we top off the night by accidently setting off the car alarm. Eventualy we pass out and wake up to the sun and familys walking around our car filled with beer bottles and two passed out teenagers.    We get out of the car, clean up the beer bottles scattered around the car, pack up the site and book it out of there within 20 minutes of waking up. Possibly the worst and most embarassing wake up of my life.  But still, probably the most fun night of my life.    
  I'd been trying to get a date with her for weeks.  I was already giddy over her.  She was a bit prim and proper, but her eyes lit up when I suggested we take my big Suzuki out to the country.  We zoom up Rt 2, out to the Concord by-pass.  The traffic is backed up in all lanes, but I'm out to impress, so I split the lanes and get to the left turn doing about 40.  I didn't notice the cop directing traffic until I was past him.  Cop: "Hey!  Pull over!"  I look back at him, cup my hand to my helmeted ear, shrug, keep flying. No way could he catch us.  My date, worried, says: "What did he say?"  Me, far too smugly: "He said 'pull over,' but I couldn't hear him."  Two miles later, we crest a hill, and barely stop before hitting one of the  cop cars forming the roadblock.  Me to date: "Well, maybe our next date will be better..."  
  back in fifth grade we were all sitting in a circle in the gym, waiting for class to start.  it was a bit stormy outside that day, and the teacher was still outside the room.  I'm sitting with my legs crossed, trying not to fart...but out it came, at least 5 seconds long, and loud as hell.  I was so embarrassed that I began to leave, when the teacher walks in and says "WOW! Did you guys hear that thunder?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i drove into town for a party, surprising friends, seeing people i hadn't in months or years. But instead of doing the catching up I should have, I got drunk enough to make out with someone I didn't reeeaaally want to, in fron of people enough to embarass myself. It moved up to the somewhat more private roof, and in the process got some cuts and scratches, sullied my jeans on the wet and dirty rooftop, and was accused of throwing a bottle across the street which summoned the cops.  While my friends rescued me from my new makeout partner, who i learned was a sex worker in a fetish palace, i still ended up thinking of how i should have finsihed off the night with her and eased the long neglected urging in my pants.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend of mine told me that one time when he went up to Canada, a shop he went into sported a Hello Kitty dildo.  I don't know who's more fucked up: the Canadians for buying it, or the Japanese for making a dildo based on a kid's show.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nothing gives you the desire to smoke like holding a fresh, unopened package of cigarettes.  
   I pitched the Portland Creative Conference to my boss. He didn't get it.  Then, I pitched the conference  organizer for a scholarship -- I did get it.   Then I told my boss. He still didn't get it. On the day the conference started, my boss terminated me! So, I went to the Portland Creative Conference, broke, needing to apply for foodstamps , and won a $20-bill off the web design Guru David Seigel when I correctly named the evil character in Ghostbusters: Sandor (happens to be my name.) I think Seigel intended the offer of $20 to be a  figure of speech -- but I marched up to collect it 'cause I didn't even have enough money to get my car out of the parking garage! And I needed to buy lunch because I was about to faint from hunger.  It was a low-brow moment. (But I am grateful that Seigel actually forked out the money AND told us all about this site.) Thanks David -- You are a Mensch and ya did a real kindness -- more than you realized! Bless you.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
    I've been in love with the same man for nearly 4 years and I thought he'd never leave. Unfortunately, he's now moving to London... ...to become a vicar      
  I wore my favourite shirt on my first date. Then wore my favourite undy on the second!!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know when you call for customer service or support, and it sounds like the line goes dead, but it doesn't really?  That's because the representative you are talking to has you on mute and is telling the person next to them how fucking stupid you are.  And laughing.  
  *ring* *ring* me: "Hello?" her: "Hello.  It's me." me: "Oh... it's good to hear from you.  It's been a while.  How are you?" her: "I went to get tested for HIV today.  The results should be back next week.  I thought you should know." me: "Ummm.  Pardon?" her: "Well... I wasn't exactly truthful with you.  I never got tested before." *long pause* me: "Oooookaaaay.  Well... this certainly changes some things." her: "In how you'll behave?" me: "Oh no, I'm behaving that way already.  It certainly changes how I look at you, at how much I realize you were looking out for me." - It wasn't really lowbrow, but it sure might look that way after my test results come back.  *soft sigh*  
  Within the last six months, I have transformed from an ultranerd into a sex animal. I used to be gentle, understanding, faithful and tender. Now I am abusive, uncaring, ruthless and arrogant. I am 28 years old, and and have had twice as much sex in the last six months than in my entire life before. The girls seem to prefer my new self. I tend to agree.  
  I was ripping farts all night long, cracking everybody up. It was at that moment that I viewed myself as the consumate master of all I surveyed.  . . . I decided to go for the Grand Finale! A fart that would end all Farts.  Then I Shit my pants.        
  There's nothing quite like the feeling of realizing that you've been up for 36 hours and the drink that your drinking isn't getting you any more drunk and your nose is too clogged to do another line         
  Howard, Nathan, Chris, Jon, and I are hanging out. Howard is bragging about how she was inside her house in the living room while he was in his car about to leave, chatting with her dad. Her dad's facing away from the house, Howard's facing towards it. She had gone in to get him a fuse for his car. She was motioning like crazy towards her crotch, and Howard was trying to look, but not enough for her dad to notice. Finally he saw what she meant. She reached into her pants, and pulled the fuse out of her pussy just before she came back and handed it to him. Immediately I inflict a new nickname on her for when she's over next: fuse-box.  
  some insurance company keeps calling us, looking for this guy named cory.  no matter how many times ive told them that he no longer lives here, calls persist.  next time they call, im gonna tell him that we have him tied up in our back room with accupuncture needles in his dick, and that he cant come to the phone just yet.  fuckers...see if they call back again...  
   Daddies Are Infallible  Wig: "Daddy? I'm bored. When's the rain going to end?" I'm a full-service daddy, so I hit up weather.com, take a look at the local radar map, check the timestamp, note the windspeed and direction, eyeball how much more raincloud will be coming over us, and answer, with a large margin for error: "Fifteen minutes." Wig: "How will I know fifteen minutes is up?" Me: "The rain will have stopped." Wig: "Oh! OK!"  
  There was a website, that used to be amazingly gritty and harsh and wild and free.  Those were the days, because now it's a company with banners up everywhere and shitty content, making what used to be a cool webmaster money.    I associate this with what people have made "big" throughout time.  It used to be castles for the king, or huge grand churches for religion, or majestic elaborate tombs for pharoahs.    Now, it's skyscrapers, for corporations, standing as pylons of things I despise.     
  If my husband had only read any of the stuff I've posted on here, I'm quite sure he would have never given me a gun for my birthday.   
  Many years ago, i was gettin high in my room, got struck by the sudden need for a slurpee, and dash outta the house to get one. while im gone, my dog hears the tv in my room and starts moaning to be let in. My mom is barrelling down the stairs when I get back, huffing and puffing.... "no cigarettes! you'll die young blah blah blah..."  I go upstairs to find that not only did I leave my cigs and ashtray out, but my weed and bowl too.  Maybe she thought it was oregano?   I still cant decide if my mom is really cooler than i always thought or just really really naive.   
  "Operation Sail 1976" Beautiful, Tall-Masted Ships. sailing into New York as part of the "Bi-Centenial" celebrations  Cultural event for the family.  Dad, uses the Volvo to break thru a fence so we can watch from a lot alongside the water.  Cop arrives.  Dad sends me, 10 years old, to give the cop $20.00 for not arresting him, and for letting us stay.  Cop looks at the proffered $20.00 in my trembling hand, (even at 10, i know this has got to be WRONG)  Says, ...    "Thats all?!?!?"      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hoo boy, I love to lick a nice clean asshole.  A girl's only, though.  I'm no freak.  The young girls, under 30, they usually haven't yet had a guy who will really get in there, really shove that tongue into their pooper...so it often comes as a surprise at first.  This one girl...she's on her knees in the doggy position.  I'm under her, lapping away crazily at her clit.  I grab her ass and pull it downwards so her a-hole is positioned right above my tongue.  I give it a little flick.  I feel her stiffen.  Another flick.  A little shudder.  So I dive in, curl up my tongue and pop it in that tight hole as far as I can.    She sits up, looks down between her legs at my eyes and says "YOU'RE THE KING"  
  in sweden, 2 yrs ago. i'm all alone in a office of a TV-production company, about 9. p.m. everyone in the TV-crew are in the TV-studio a few miles away, preparing to shoot.  waiting to be on a show with a webcam, hooked up on a computer in the office (since I dont have cable at home I had to go to the TV-production company's office.  anyways, they're running late. i'm sitting by a fast computer with cable.   i'm bored. bored and horny. i'm all alone in the building and i don't see surveillance cameras around me.  so i start surfing porno sites while masturbating. after a few minutes, i go to the bathroom to finish - i cum all over the toilet. i clean it up.  i walk back and sit down. then i receive a phone call from the producer of the show (he's in the studio with the rest of the TV-crew).  Producer: "Did I caught you with your pants down?"  *busted* (embarassed like never before)  I: "er...eh..."  He and the rest of the crew had apparently been watching me jerking off (hidden surveillance cameras).  i can never look him in the eyes again. but what can i say - im a man, i got needs. it was worth it.    
  sitting here reading my 16 year old son's report card I can feel comfortable in the knowledge that the world needs ditch-diggers, too.  
  Using a purple pen, I printed "FUN" on the side of my soft drink cup.    The General Manager walks in the kitchen.    "Look, I'm having FUN!" I say.    "I'm having A GOOD TIME" Chris says.   Scott says, "I'm having SEX!"         
  Does anybody think that an abnormally high ratio of the Jesus-fish shapes floating in a bowl of milk is a sign that Lucky Charms are trying to convert you to Christianity?        
  I never laughed so hard as when my roommate told me he had chlamidia -- again. Turns out the Norwegian girl he was fooling around with gave him the clap. He, in turn, passed it on to another young lady who was obsessed with him; he was the only person she'd had sex with to that point. Obviously, she finally figured out what she had and who she got it from.  I howled for at least 30 minutes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the "employee of the week" selection process at the theater always seemed to avoid logic and justice.  i mean, i worked pretty well, and my other friend, he worked even better. and we never came to work drunk or high or anything...  but it seemed like the biggest stoners, and the guy that came to work drunk, and the convicted felon (who hadn't mentioned that at hiring) always seemed to come out ahead.   the month after the felon was given employee of the month, he robbed the joint, for a measly $500, and didn't bother to do it in any way that would have obscured his identity.  what a moron... they arrested him 2 weeks later.   last i heard, he was working at another movie theater.  
  A wise man once invented a little flap for the bowl of port-a-potties.  It helps sheild you from the smell and visual anomaly of what is actually a giant mountain of shit that tapers up to a peak, right beneath the little flap.  
  Ask not what you can do for lowbrow, ask what lowbrow has done for you.        
  Sometimes, I meet a really intriguing woman. We talk for a while, become aquainted with each other, maybe flirt a little. But always, at some point during the encounter, I wonder in my head: Does she scream when she orgasams?   
  Have you ever experienced the joy of waking up to the sight of your girlfriend's cat shooting liquid diarhea all over a pile of your clean laundry?  I love cats, a lot, but I almost had to skin the little bastard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There she was selling herself in the beautiful blue dress.  Me: Why are selling your body to gross men?  She: Because you made you stupid pimp!  Me: Oh yeah.  Heh.  Why do you let me?  She: I want the crack.  Me: Why do you want crack?  She: It's the only thing this crackwhore can cook.  ****  I then fell in love with Jessica.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in my dorm, i live on the 2nd floor. It's a suite kinda thing, so 2 rooms are connected by a bathroom. The people above me are noisy and annoying. When they go to the bathroom, i can hear them take a piss. It's gross. However, because of this, whenever i hear one go into the bathroom, i go into mine with the broom, and when they're going, i smack the ceiling really hard. Almost everytime, i can hear them jump.  It's glorious to know that i probably made them piss all over the toilet and the floor because of my cruel tricks. I love making the noisy jerks get what they deserve.  
  My mom called again. She's having problems with her printer.  It seems it won't print.  I deduce rather quickly that it's out of ink, even though she claims "the solid red light was always on ever since I got it."  She proudly announces that she has purchased over 100 dollars of discount internet ink cartridges. Where did she buy them from? Oh, some company that sends out spam. Great.  To make a long phone call short, she replaces the color cartridge. Still, the problem persists. She proudly declares that she was right, and "the printer never was out of ink".  After trying every concievable diagnostic, including reinstalling the driver, we conclude she's going to have to buy a real ink cartridge.  It is at this point that she realizes that she had never installed the new color ink- she removed and reinstalled the same empty cartridge.  Problem solved.   Go mom.    
  I'm spending the evening with my good buddy Patrick. We're totally lit up and I'm not going anywhere. 'Cept I need to go out to my van to get more cigarettes. I open the door, using the remote control, climb into the driver's seat, and open the glove box. Cop immediately pounces, lights and sirens on. He must have been lurking there for a while. He: "License and registration, and would you mind stepping out of the car and doing some tests for me?" Me: "I'm not going anywhere. I just came out to get some cigarettes." I show him the cigarettes. He: "Doesn't matter to me. You are in control of a vehicle, and I think you're drunk." Me: "You're absolutely right. I'm really drunk. But I'm not driving anywhere." He: "Perhaps, perhaps not, but you have the car keys in your possession, so that's a DWI." Me: "But I don't." He: "Don't what?" Me: "Have the car keys in my possession." He: "Don't give me that. After all, how did you get into your car?" Me: "I used the remote control." I show him my keychain. There's no car key on it. He: "Where's the car key?" Me, starting to really have fun: "In the house, where I left it before I came out." Oh, the joys of sitting in a car, with a cop at my elbow, drunk out of my gourd, and there's not a  damn thing  he can do about it...  
  Someone posted a moment here asking why would anyone use a fake email address? well, from my experience, it's because you tend to get morons wanting to "save" you or horny teenagers wanting to fuck you filling up your email inbox. Unless you use someone else's addy, the way I do.   
  when i was four i made up this game that i thought was great. how many times can i slam the door on my brothers fingers?  4.....2 bedrooms, the front door, and then the car door on the way to the hospital after the bone fractured.  my brother didn't like that game.  i won.  
  A conversation in the womens bathroom:  /1/ hey Jenny what do you think of that new BG guy ?  /2/ who Andrew the tech guy?   /1/ Yeah , he took me out last nite to Gladstones we got drunk and then fucked. like bunnies , he's pretty good in bed  /2/ Yeah i know......                 p.s i love that new wireless  phone system, speaker mode is pretty nice. now that my female boss heard that i think i am getting a raise pretty soon.   
  at Christmas dinner, he asked me why i was going in for surgery.  i told him the truth.  i have a very large cyst.  i think they're going to drain it, i'm not sure, but i was hoping that they were going to remove it, then i would ask them to put it in a jar for me to carry around.  i was thinking of naming it Bob.  he knew better than to ask me questions.  i can't believe what delicate constitutions members of my father's family have.  more prime rib for me.  
  When travelling down a four-lane, small-town road with a speed limit of 40, do not drive at a speed of 60. Chances are someone will stop short in front of you, causing you to swerve left into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting the suddenly stopped car. Chances are then that travelling in the opposite direction, in the farthest left lane, will be a cop, who, after nearly being sideswiped in his own lane by a car travelling in excess of the speed limit in the wrong direction, will immediately bust a U-turn and pull you over.  Oh, and if he asks what you thought you were doing, it's probably a bad idea to answer, "Oh, we're running late and I thought we might make it home in time this way."  
  Someone had already worked the crossword puzzle and half of the jumble.  The cartoon for the jumble had the caption: "Twenty-four hours on the shore got the sailors this."  I really, really wanted to write "The Clap," but they took the pen with them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         last night when I got back to the train station after work, there was an Asian couple, standing by their car looking all distressed.  The front passenger window had been smashed in.  At first I felt a little bad, but then I thought, serves them right for taking up two spaces with their tiny VW Golf.   It makes me feel a little better about the world, that people would rather steal from some random person who was being an idiot, rather than just some random person.  
  So I started snorkeling, then moved up to feeding the fish. Once I used peanut butter and noticed that the fish tickled as they ate from my hand.  Bright idea: smear peanut butter all over my privates, sit back, and let the fish get me off.  Just near the point of climax, I didn't notice the sea turtle approaching. Now I'm only half a man. And I had no explanation for the EMTs waiting on the beach.......  
  The only thing I've had to eat today was a veggie sub with nothing that even resembled meat in it.  So why did that burp taste exactly like a chicken burrito from Taco Bell?  
  I had an alcholic boyfriend once. That was until i woke up at about 3am one morning from his loud snores. I had his puke in my hair and was sleeping in his urine. I only date social drinkers now~  
  tip #3 On how to keep a man:  A good BJ at the MINIMUM once a week, if you do more, you are so money... and make sure you swallow, a good girl always cleans the plate.    
  Heard on campus today:     
Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck Screw a kangaroo Fingerbang an orangatang Support your local zoo.  
   The lowbrow part? The girl singing couldn't have been more than ten years old.  
      NEUROCHEMICAL FOLLIES  In college I dated a med student who was really ugly but had a body to die for.  She was very bright.  I talked her into doing acid and fucking down by the river, in Iowa City, IA.    She knew too much about what the acid was doing to her brain, as it was happening.   It made the night and next morning really uncomfortable.     Especially the part where I was on the phone the next morning with her father, a prominent medical ethics author and lawyer, explaining all the events that lead up to her hospitalization.    
   I had a good childhood. I went to a magnet school for both middle and high school. I graduated with a 3.7. I then went to an honors college on Jupiter, Florida. I am also an Eagle scout.      BUT, now I am 19, have $200 to my name, and am laying on the floor in the kitchen of a retired minister's house that I am squatting in while he is out of town. My hand is searing in pain due to the fact that I grabbed a metal bowl filled with molten sugar, (I am making flan) and my knee is throbbing due to the fact that I fell down and screamed ( in a very girlish voice) after grabbing said bowl.      What have I become? Fuck.  
  i don't like it when the 5 foot thai girl likes to watch tv during sex  
  Back when we were still together, the ex and I were struck with a frenzy of horniness while staying in a motel out in the middle of the Bible Belt. Didn't matter to either of us that it was the heavy day of my period. I guess all that vodka helps you forget the minor inconveniences. Incredible sex. Loud, monkeys on crack sex. All over the room sex. I can't help but imagine the maid's face when she came in to clean and saw the handprint in blood on the wall above the bed... or the bloody footprint on the wall.  And thinking of that look makes me kinda horny to this day.  
   Disqualified from serving in the United States Armed Forces.   Now I'm just another grim bastard with tattoos and scars that'll keep him out of your more run-of-the-mill occupations found in a service/white collar economy.   Time for plan B.... uh, become an art student until I'm ready for a shot at the Legion Etrangere?   Crap almighty, not getting any younger here people....      
  I think I know why all these old women stand me up and lead me on: they know that if I could get somebody to follow through, it would be too easy to take them all out before I get caught by the cops.          
  My dad used to go into the bathroom for a half hour.  Then I would hear the toilet flush about 6 or 7 times.  He would emerge, sweat on his forehead, and describe his ordeal in detail. "It was as big around a Coke can."  He would hold up his hands and form a proportionatley-sized 'O' with his fingers for effect.  I really miss him.  
  As my wife and I were checking out at the market, it seems we had a chatty bagger. She was commenting on our choices with various remarks with what I guessed passed for her own brand of logic and intelligence.  The bagger looked at the stalk of Fennel as she bagged it and asked "What is this stuff?"  I replied "Fennel- it's a vegetable, good with carrots."  She replied " Ohhh...this is the stuff with that sweet anus flavor, isn't it??"  I almost lost it at her  pronunciation of  "Anise", but retained enough composure to say- " Noooo...I think that is a completely different flavor."  "You sure?" she queried, "I heard it has that sweet anus flavor like the candy."  "I am pretty sure " I replied, thouroughly convinced this woamn had the IQ of a gnat.  I made it outside before laughing my ass off.  My wife thought I was laughing at what she had commented to her (which I had not) about heavy-duty usage and neccessity of 2-ply toilet paper for husbands in order to prevent break-thru.  Maybe the bagger has fecal issues, or she has brilliantly turned what is a boring low-pay job into entertainment for herself to fuck with every person in line she can to alleviate her drudgery.  I may never know, but this IS northern Michigan... and morons with mullets and stretch pants are everywhere.   
  Cruising through Costco to pick up the free food samples for a cheap lunch alternative, I notice one of the sample dispensers was this very tiny wizened Asian lady. She was surrounded by a crowd of kids, waving her arms and shouting.  As I got closer, I could hear her yelling "Nassy lil mumfuckas! Nassy lil mumfuckas! No mo! No mo! Go way now!" I shooed them away and she gave me a double handful of pizza puffs and a grateful, toothless smile.  
  I had this boyfriend when I was 15 who had a really nasty habit of knocking boots with the girl who lived next door to him.  He used to blame me for his sexual indiscretions because I was alas, still a virgin and not willing to give it up to such a creep.  I remembered a night during the  previous summer where before we had started seeing each other, we had gone out and he had met this threesome of girls of questionable morals.  He tried to hook up with them, but their phone had been disconnected and  nothing ever came of it.  Using this information, I decided to get some good old revenge.  I asked a girlfriend of mine whom he did not know to call his house and I  coached her on how to use her voice and the types of things to say.  She  told him that she was one of the girls he had met that night and she had only recently found his number.  We had timed the phone call to happen while I was at his house so I could see his reaction.  He left the room and  took the phone outside and finished the conversation in the car.  My friend suggested that they hook up and she named a place that was very near his house.  He came in the house, hung up the phone, told me he was going  out to pick up some cigarettes and he'd be back later.  The dog.  I called my girlfriend back when I got home that night - the jerk never came back.  He was sitting in the parking lot of a drug store for about 2 hours.   We kept the ball rolling.  She called him again a few nights later apologizing that her car broke down but that theys should still hook up.  The routine was the same with him.  He left immediately after the phone call only this time he told me his brother's car had broken down and he had to go help him out.  We had it planned,  though, that this time we would keep him waiting somewhere we could  watch him.  He was sitting in his mom's car in a dentist office's parking lot  about 30 minutes from where he lived.  My girlfriend and I sat in a diner across the street and watched and laughed.  We waited over a week to deal the final blow.  My friend called him and had him hightail it to a park over two hours away.  This time I was there for  when he got back.  He was so furious!  I asked him sweetly what was  wrong.  He was just so angry, he couldn't talk.  He had made plans with me for that night and had stood me up to chase his invisible whore, so I let him  have it.  Then I walked home and laughed the whole way.  I broke up with him the next day.  I couldn't handle being with someone so stupid.  
  I gained 8 lb. over my holiday vacation. I now have major problems zipping up my jeans and must lie on the bed, sucking in my stomach to perform that action.  My breasts are lapping over the tops of my bras and I have problems breathing once the bras are clasped.  I. don't. like. this. I. like. being. slender.  I was telling my friend and co-worker how I'd gained the weight and was having problems losing it.  She said, "I THOUGHT you looked healthy lately."  She's another skinny minnie.   
  On a long car trip me and the two other guys each take turns emptying our full bladders into an empty sobe bottle.  We poured it all over the side door of a family mini van in a taco bell parking lot.  
  It was like 4am in NYC and we were on the subway. I was eating an Egg Sandwich and this old bag lady is staring at me and finally asks if she can have some? I say "No!"  She says "That is cold!" To which I reply, "Life sucks somedays!"  She continues to stare at me while I finish the sandwich.   "Give a person an egg sandwich and you feed them for the morning, teach them to take responsibility for their life and you have a Republican."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "My name is Montenegro, and I have the belly of Buddha!"        
  I had cheated on my girlfriend, with someone else. I definatly have a sense of humor. I thought it would be funny to make light of the situation so I called her up to talk to her. We met at the local coffee shop. We went for a walk. I said, "The other night I decided to have sex, you decided not to be there, that's a decision you're going to have to live with for the rest if your life." She stormed off and before she did racked my nuts really, really hard.  
   the wind rips down d street and yanks all the storm windows off our little southie three family from hell i look out the window and two old women are clinging to the side of the building the broken glass has cut their stockings and nicked their legs i tear ass down to get them away and bolt around the corner forgetting i m wearing only socks fucking landlords gonna pay for the stitches or i m helping these old ladies sue the dental work off the bastard       
  (I must have done 50 lowbrow moments by now, but they  all  pale before this one. In fact,  everything  I've seen here pales before this one) After the disaster of our first date (Concord MA cop roadblock -- keep clicking and you'll find it eventually), I gave her up for lost, but after a week or so, she actually called me! We went out a couple times.  She was rather cool towards me, but I was lost in hopeless love anyway. We had nice conversations, but never actually touched. Then, one night, I woke up to find her sitting on my bed.  Her friend, my roomate, had let her in. That was the only time I ever actually pinched myself, but I  was  awake. She said: "Can I join you?" I nodded, dumbfounded. She stood up, took all of her clothes off except for her panties, and slid in between the sheets. The shock of her firm, cool, skinny body left me gasping, but then we snuggled and kissed and laughed and... ... she sat up and turned on the light. Looked at me in all her beauty, and said: "I think I'm getting rather serious. I've decided I want to be with you. What do you think?" I was happier than I had ever been. So, how could I possibly turn this wonderful tale into an authentic lowbrow moment? Easy.  At the time, unknown to her, I had a form of Teret's Syndrome.  What went through my mind was:  ("Oh, yes, yes, please! I will treasure and worship you forever! I want to marry you, I want to have children with you...")  But what actually came out of my mouth was: "That would be great, but you don't have any tits."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         on alot of anti seizure medication and feeing fuckin good, but nothing to do. i remember that my old church plays volley ball on thursday nights and we had nothing better to do until the weed call came on my friends cell phone.  only problem is hanging out with christians, but we decided we're to fucked up to care. so while we're playing one of the girls asks, "where's your brother (he's still a regular member)" and i say, "what am i, my brothers keeper?" and like 2 fucking people got it. fuckers can't read their bibles?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i run a factory.  I'm dirty.  I rarely do laundry, and my apartment is a mess.  i've gone without toilet paper for a week now.  i hold a high school equivilency diploma, and served 5 years in college, without graduating.  i've been in jail, on probation, had my license suspended numerous times, and in general, have no respect for the law. my ex, who is a lawyer, told me her new lawyer boyfriend is "second best" to me. i guess this would be his lowbrow moment... for being second best to a scrub like me... all i know is i'm feeling pretty fucking cool right about now.  
   We sat on the smooth linoleum, loosely gathered around the kitchen.  The talk focussing on high school reminiscence, evilly shaped potatoes, feministic masogenists, and every other type of mundane cereal-box philosophy.  And then,  right out of the blue, like some super-star-studded-Romeo, he demanded that she let him lick the freckles off her skin. No joke. He wanted to lick each and every single fucking one of them until they came off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I read the Dragons Of Pern, and almost liked it      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So she broke up with me the day after she asked me to tie her up.  My Strawberry-blonde librarian queen.  I still don't understand why, and it looks like I never will.  We don't speak.  I think it would be OK if she didn't sit twenty feet away from me every single day.  I KNOW it would be OK if she wasn't f**king the guy that sits in the cube next to me.  But she is.  Damn.       
  nothing like having your midriff bombarded with a thousand little splinters to make you realize why the woodshop has a dress code. it also makes you thankful that your face isn't on your stomach.  
  i shudder at the thought that some of these, which I did not write, are about me...  -dale        
  March 31 (the eve of April Fool's Day)  So I'm walkin' out of Wal*mart and I hear this little voice call, 'Help me, please help me.' It's coming from one of those little grassy areas with a little tree planted in it in the front of the parking lot. It is a "small person" (midget, dwarf, whatever they want to be called). He is handcuffed to the little tree. He is asking me to help him, he says he can't get them off. I have a little conference with myself, I'm sure you know what I was thinking......"This has got to be a joke, and if it is and I go to help him........but what if it isn't and some mean person handcuffed him to the tree......but there are plenty of other people around to go over there and take the chance at looking like a complete fool."   I walked away, to my car. On the way out of the parking lot, I drove to the front to see if he had gotten loose. As I looked on, this car pulls up near him and this (regular size) guy gets out and starts teasing and poking at the little guy. The 'lil man' is kicking his little legs at the other guy trying to get him away, while the big guy is really givin' it to him, kicking and punching. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Then the big guy took the handcuffs off of the lil guy and they both fell on the ground rolling and laughing these evil little laughs and got in the car and drove away, still laughing.   I am so glad I did not try to help that guy. And, don't ya know it.....no one would believe me when I told them about it! I swear I wasn't drunk!!  
   How I Got To Be A Probation Officer At Age 21  I started out as a volunteer, at a probation hostel in Newcastle. Newcastle is a  great , friendly town. I was only there about two months, but when some friends threw a party for my 21st, we came up with a guest list of 100. That's how friendly Newcastle is.* But the warden fired me after two months, because he said I was a bad influence on the boys under my care. That was even without knowing about the beer I was brewing in the volunteer's dorm, or my fifteen year-old girlfriend... I moved on to Sheffield, still as a volunteer, but in no time I got hired as deputy warden. (In retrospect, I suspect the warden's wife might have been something to do with that, but you'll have to keep clicking to find out why :-)  ------------- *But Americans should take a language course in the Geordie language before settling in Newcastle.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I enrolled in Intro to Algebra my first semester at college.  My friend and I walked into class, sat down, and the class started.  "Adding and subtracting fractions is complicated," was uttered by our teacher.  I looked at my friend, she looked at me.  I thank God every day for community colleges with transfer credits to major universities.    
  I like strong coffee.  I like to make the coffee in the morning when I get to the office so that it's just how I like it.  My recipe is this:  Strong coffee grinds (more than needed), and Water Joe. (For those that don't know, Water Joe is caffinated water)  Brew.  Shake.  Repeat.  
  nudity?  i'm fine with that.  i walk around my room, around the halls, naked.  all the time.  nothing on me.  feels great!  i love living alone.  but for some reason, if i happen to be wearing just socks, or just slippers, i feel kinky.  kinda "wild" or something.  what the hell?  straight up nekkid is okay, but if i have footwear, it feels different?  i should be banned from thinking, or doing things, this late at night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         seattle city buses always smell like urine...  1ce was riding the madrona park bus from downtown...crowded, forced to sit near the sleeping bums in back.  the gentlemen sitting next to me: reeked of formaldehyde, body covered in the soot and stink of sleeping under park benches and in the backs of buses.  he was out cold.  never made a sound, never shifted position.  just once let out an enormous contended sigh and left a puddle on the bus seat.  in his sleep, like a newborn  aah what the hell.  i prefer to stand on a bus anyway.  
  When I was about 17 I worked at a construction site for the summer.  I was a lowly laborer and my job was to clean the houses that were being built and prep them for the different stages of construction. This was a simple job and I realized I could get away with the absolute bare minimum most of the time.  I also realized that I was alone most of the time too.  So over the course of about a month I managed to masturbate in each and every one of the $300,000+ homes.  I love driving through that neigborhood when I'm feeling low.  
  no matter where you go - city, small town, etc - there is always a sketchy bar or a dubious diner called the "tip top", and they always rock?  
  When I got to college, I had only gotten drunk once before in my life, and that was 2.5 years earlier. So the first time I got drunk in college, it was a pretty pathetic sight. I drank 2 cans of Beast and was no longer able to stand up. So I sat on the floor and told everyone that walked by me that "I can't feel my legs!" The saddest part is that I weighted a good 240 pounds at that time. Can you say lightweight? It was a good two years before my friends stopped making fun of me for that night.  
  The other day I realised I had become what I hate. I was driving a mercedes (an old shitty one), listening to NPR (only station that damn car pulls in), and drinking bottled water (no A/C and my tap water sucks.) I can sort of justify all of this, but I still hate myself a fair amount.  
  i have a nipple hair that's over 2 inches long...it's freakish...i should cut it off, but i like the fact that it's there  
  If another holier than thou Christian tells me I'm going to hell, I'm going to pull a kamizaki and take their ass down with me.  
  I will never, repeat, never be able to talk to, like, or relate to anyone with a sticker of Calvin Pissing on anything on the back of their car.  Fucking lame-o-rama yucky.  
  I walk into the gas station, and my friend with the ring throuh his lip is on counter. He: "Haven't seen you in a couple weeks. Why don't you stick around while I get these customers?" A word to the wise is sufficient. The customers leave. I scratch his arm and mewl. He: "I only have one J." Me: "Five dolla." He looks troubled: "But then I wouldn't have any!" Me: "Ten dolla." He: "You're really that hard up? Grab a cigarette and let me make a call." I sit in my van, and he eventually comes out and gives me instructions on how to get there: "Guy named Larry with a ponytail. They're expecting you. They know what you're driving." I drive to the location. Three people are standing, drinking beers. One with a ponytail breaks off and comes over, asking nervously: "Eh, are you lost?" Me: "You are Larry?" Larry: "I don't know. You a friend of [deleted]?" Me: "Yup, he's a good friend." Larry: "As far as I know, you could be anybody..." Me: "Actually, I'm nobody. I'm a doper, just like you." He smiles and slips me my dime bag. Back home, ten minutes later, I discover that he's a  generous  man...  
  Well, I find myself at the san diego comic con. I am surronded by geeks and yu-gi-oh as I type this on a spongebob squarepants internet computer. This is a low brow moment, because this is rather pitiful.   
  I was running from the dog when the little voice inside spoke up -  Remember, a dog won t bite you if you don t run from it. Stop. Turn around. Face the dog down.   That dog bit the crap out of me.   
  The first time I got drunk my friends and I all ended up taking off our shirts and comparing our boobs. I think... I was only told of it afterwards, and I didn't remember.  I remember long periods of darkness interspersed with short blasts of light.  Ah, god bless Bacardi.  
  you'll know me when you die.  I'll be the one in heaven  with the flaming middle finger  hurling lumps of shit on you  when you walk past.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         boston college can be one big lowbrow moment.  a poster in kostka first reads, "What is diversity at BC?"  drunken would-be fratboy response: "I like mexican food."  
  When I was about 10 years old I was at birthday party two doors down from our family's cabin. We were taking turns getting pulled behind the boat on a tube, and even though I really had to take a shit, I held it in because I didn't want to lose my spot in line.  So its finally my turn, and I get on the tube, and fly around the lake. At this point I really need to shit, I signal the driver to take me home. He takes me around the bay again instead. I finally get off and make a run for the outhouse (they didn't have an indoor toilet at the cabin). I make it there, shut the door behind me, drop my pants and proceed to shit right there, standing up. It was quite possibly the biggest pile of soft shit I've ever seen.  So I pull my pants on, run to my cabin, clean up, and put on new swimming trunks. The next day my friend asked if I was the one who shit on the outhouse floor. Someone shit on the floor? I ask him. Yeah, and my sister stepped in it. Oops. I never admitted to it, even though I had no excuse for going home mid-party and changing trunks.  That's low brow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Should I jack off hard? Or should I jack off soft?        
  So me and a friend decided to hold a contest - the CASE CASE GALLON RACE (a case of white castles [30], a case of beer, and a gallon of milk).  As we stood in line at white castles, 2 old guys saw us order and said "hey, cancel our order, these guys know where the party is". We told them that all these white castles were for the 4 of us. After explaining our need for 120 burgers and a small order of chicken rings, they exclaimed, "You guys must be gluttons for punishment".  To which we replied, "No, we're just gluttons".   
  I notice my nose hairs when I am drunk.  Should I get nasal electrolysis??        
  when i lived in a tent near mount hood for a summer, we used to go into the huckleberry cafe and wait for the japanese tourists to leave, because they never ate all thier appetizers. then ponch got sick and spent two days puking out of his tent. so we quit eating and just rode and drank.  
  I drink my instant coffe with sugar and milk at work.  Only because people look at me strangely when I eat it straight from the jar.  
  i was at my friend's work the other day... he's a manager... i notice the window in his office, or rather the fact that there is a square hole, missing s pane of glass... I inquire as to what happened and the following story ensued.   apparently my friend was having a bad day, and after a decidedly unfreindly phone call from a customer he throws his keys at the window. the window cracks. suprise! my friend goes to inspect the crack he has made, and upon touching it, the window shatters in to thousands of pieces, and falls to the ground? How to explain this one to the boss...? here's how: pick up a piece of glass, cut your arms and shoulder with it, and then say you slipped on a box, and fell in to it.  i laughed, then wen smoked a joint in the walk in freezer  
  when he wanted to intimidate someone, he'd often just pull out his penis and ask, "didja ever see anything as big as this?"  they'd be so shocked and uncomfortable, they'd agree to anything he said just to get the moment over with and the guy's penis back in his pants.   
  I have the worst gas right now. I have been visiting the bathroom constantly. I fear I have offended my co-workers.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  We were in NYC on vacation and had to piss really bad...too much wine and water and coffee with dinner.   We were right in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral, so we determined that if they let us use their restroom that there was indeed a god and we would become devout christians.   Luckily, they wouldn't let us use the restroom, so we snuck in to the St. Regis Hotel and pissed in their restroom instead and left happy, empty bladdered pagans.   Nice place the St. Regis. Kickass restrooms, lots of marble and shit...I recommend them.   Do you know they charge $90 a person for high tea there?!  They're spending that money on really fine restrooms though.    
  One time I went to Wal-Mart to buy a notebook for a chem class.  At the line there is an older gentleman infront of me talking about how his leg hurts to the cashier.   She says something about how sometimes her rear hurts from sitting down all day.    Me being the ass that I am says, why dont you just stand up then?(rather matter of factly)  She answers, I cant.  Then I notice the wheelchair.   
  who do you think you are, the grand pobah of high upper but crack?        
  Once again, a WalMart moment.... A stressed-out sounding guy got on the storewide intercom and announced "Folks, we have a little lost boy here who says his name is Jason, he's wearing a Pokemon t-shirt and jeans, would his parents please come to the office and get him?" Sound in the background of a kid screaming his head off like his balls were being blowtorched. Sound of something breaking. More screaming. "Please. Please come get Jason." More screaming, with the demands for ice cream in them. More breaking. "Please. For the love of god, come get him."  
  One time I went to a concert and stood in the back. The band was pretty cool but they had some guy on stage who kept throwing up. The lead singer had the kid throw up on him and then he dove onto the crowd. They didn't feel him up as much as they felt up the girl crowdsurfers. I think vomit has that effect on people        
  I was drunk as hell, and trying to quit smoking.  I was on the nicotine gum at the time, and didn't spit it out before I got into bed.    I passed out and swallowed the gum in my sleep.  I came to about 1-2 hours later; my heart trying to pound its way out of my ribcage and the rest of me drenched in sweat.  My intestines were also doing strange gymnastics so I ran to the bathroom, and enjoyed about 4 hours straight of diarrhea and vomiting.  I found out that not only can you "dry vomit", if you insult your system enough you can "dry diarrhea" (think about it).    4 hours straight of the entirety of my autonomous nervous system seizuring uncontrolably.  I have never been so miserable or so tired, but at least I lived.  and I started smoking again the next day...  
  I was watching UPN at 3 am one day.  There were a bunch of short films on.  One was about accepting Jesus or you'll burn in the eternal fire of hell.   It was apparently produced by Jesus Christ.  I think that's kind of egotistical.   
  Goddamn it why can't I un-post some of this shit that I've put up here?  
  18/01/02  Sticks and stones will break your bones...but Nerf suction cup darts with superglue will leave welts.  My only regret? I never stuck one on my Freshman year roommmate.  God, she was such a cunt.  
  When I was in Jamaica, I saw a man being burned to death by an angry mob because he had stolen a dozen goats. They put an automobile tire filled with gasoline around his neck and lit it.  When I remember that, I can't help but think that if that goat thief was an American, he would have at least gotten to plead his case on "The People's Court."        
  My friend B went out with this guy for 10 months. She was a real prude and never let things get past second base the entire time. He was 21 and had never had a gf before, so he had no idea that he was getting the shitty end of the bargain. I started going out with him a little over a month ago. I walked him through fingering me, and sometime after he started going down on me, I realised he was the most fantastic lover I've ever had. The first time we had sex (his first time), we had simultaneous orgasms.   Whenever she and I hang out, all I can think is, "Wow, she has no idea what she missed. Ha ha!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         there are these super christian kids at my school "no sex until marriage. abstinence is the best birth control" ha! one of those guys got a fat cheerleader pregnant. he was 17 and she was 14. what the FUCK? sooo.. thats what they've been doing at those FCA meetings huh?  
  A few years back, I had a fixation on my nails. Full manicure, everyday. Top coat and all. But that's not as bad as how nailpolish most makeup, in fact has labels, printed in French, to be sold in our fine, English speaking land. I mean, yeah, I know that it gives it a mystique vernis ongles, agiter doucement and French is the language of romance, but who really gives a fuck. All I want to do is apply toxins that "Last up to SEVEN DAYS without chipping!!", run the risk of a few choice infections, in, out, and back to where I started. "Because...I'm worth it!"       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         trying to shoot my coworker, i accidently shot a patron of the restaurant with pam(the nonstick cooking spray). while i hid and watched him in case he told on me(i wasnt sure if he realized he had been the victim of a random pamming), his punk rawk daughter glared at me knowingly. she knew i had just shot her dad with pam.  i ran around the corner and shot a waitress with pam.  i love pam.  
  I can't seem to keep any female friends.  It's almost like a casual cycle I have gotten used to.  We become friends, get drunk, have sex, end up having sex on a daily basis, friendship gets weird, they start wanting a relationship, and I move on to find new (girl) friends.  I have so many guy friends, and hardly any girl friends--This all occured to me while driving to campus today, to meet up with a new female friend I made in one of my classes for the new semester.  Next victim ?  
  I am working nights, fishing on the Hudson river.  One morning I'm sound asleep when I hear someone in my back garden, hailing me.  Mightily pissed, I peer out the window. A small, officious-looking guy standing there.  Me: "This better be good!"  He: "Good morning! I'm from the New York City Watershed Commission."  I gulp. He couldn't have come up with a better response if he'd tried.  I quickly get dressed, while revisualizing the scene outside -- a guy from the Watershed Commission standing in the middle of my garden, surrounded by 10 cords of freshly-split firewood. Behind him, multiple paths spread out into the Watershed Commission forest, with a freshly-cut stump at the end of each path.  As I'm tying my shoes, I wonder if I might get deported for this one...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The wife and i like to sneak beer into the movie theater.    Makes her feel naughty, so she thinks its fun.  I just figure its better than trying to sneak booze in past the movie people AND the wife  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          BrewPub #103  She's sitting with her "friend." The three of us met a couple weeks ago. I like her guy, a lot. 'Cept I like her a lot, too. And besides, she is awfully purty by my standards, and is leaning way back on the rail with her wrap skirt not wrapping much of anything at all. He likes me a lot, and probably trusts me completely. He watches the band, and I don't even try to pretend to her I'm not watching her legs. She catches the direction of my gaze, and blushes (I didn't know that could be faked, but now I do). Me: "I'd like to apologise for ogling you..." She interrups: "Hey! It's Friday night!" Me, continuing: "...but I can't quite help myself. Your legs are not sitting out there by accident, are they?" Within a space of 15 seconds, I get to compare a fake blush with a real blush. I'm not done shaming myself. I'm not really flirting, at this point, and I like the guy a lot...  
  "I wear the bandaid to protect the eyes of my admirers," she explained.  "The fear is no longer 'Oh my gosh, is that a pimple?' but 'Oh my gosh, is that a big, oozing, open wound?'"  
  So there I was, naked in hot tub in New Jersey, surrounded by Ivy League boys, slutty community college girls, and empty packs of cigarettes....  
  I had just moved in with a friend of mine.  He was selling weed and speed at the time, and I didn't have a job. He left town a few days after I moved in.  The next day I went to the store and got a 2 Litre of Coke, a bottle of rum, a carton of Camels and some PB&J. Two days later, I woke up, broke into his room, and raided his stash. He still, to this day, thinks he took the drugs with him on the trip and lost them. It's good to have friends.  
  I get in to the shower. The warm water feels so good. Then I crouch down and take a huge shit on the tub floor. It feels so good with the water warming up my ass. After its done I feel very relaxed. I highly recomend it to everyone.    The only problem is when your done you have to decide if you want to pick it up and drop it in the toliet of just use your foot to smash it down the drain.  
  A man got on the bus carrying a brown paper bag.  He sat down across from me, opened the sack, pulled out a brick of raw bacon and ate it like a sandwich.  Who knew the CTA could be so much fun?        
  The only difference between picking your boogers now and picking them when you were a kid is you don't eat them now you put them underneath your chair.  
  possible list of things to buy at the store:   1. food for me  2. food for the cats 3. beer   amount of money in bank account: $9.76 to me, the choice was obvious.  but i found out that evening that cats don't like beer. oh well.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if was a friday night i had just gotten off work and so naturally i was out with the guys. we packed a bowl and were driving around looking for a place to smoke. on the road up ahead we see flashing lights and road flares. its the cops and we have an ounce of weed on us. it turns out to only be an accident and the cop appears to be waving me on so i drive through. he then yells to us and gets in his car to follow us. one thought went through the three of our heads: FUCK! we get pulled over and i roll down my window. the cop lets me off with a warning because of my innocent face. the next few moments down the road are silent. after a few miles my friend says "its a good thing he didnt find this"as he holds up the pothead puzzle book, my birthday gift from them. laughter erupts and we fire up the bowl.stupid cops.      
  On an outcall for my side business of fixing PC's. This is the 3rd time this evening for this lady:  "It's really fucked up. I dunno what's wrong with it". She stammered.  I inspect the machine. Hmmmm.... starts up fine. I tool around with windows... I make a whistling noise.  "Seems you have a PEBKAC problem". I say as I roll my eyes.  (For those of you who don't know what PEBKAC is........ [P]roblem [E]xists [B]etween [K]eyboard [A]nd [C]hair)  "A PEBKAC problem"? She sputters out. "How much is that gonna cost"?  "Ohh about $50". I retort.  "Jees.... O.K."  I fooled around with Windows for 20 minutes.... I give her an invoice for $50 for regular maintenace and PEBKAC removal.  I hate computer illiterates.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i am bulemic. have been since my junior year of high school.   i am very excited about the reunion this fall. i'll get to see the girl who talked me into trying it and helped me stick with it for the first couple of months. i haven't heard anything about her since graduation, but i looked at the rsvp list, and she's coming. i can't wait to see her.   i'm going to punch her in the face.  
  Everyone at one time or another has superglued a quarter to the ground to watch idiots try futilely to pick it up.  But it's never as much fun as doing it on church steps and watching old jesus freaks try to balance their walkers and get that 25 cents god obviously left there for them.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         excavating my attic whoa what a mess photos from who the hell remembers when one me holding a grey hair my first standing on the side of mt washington with a dopey grin like a guy who knows the day hes gonna snuff it snow on the ground snow in my hair         
  Monday morning.  On the toilet.  Poop is supposed to be solid.  Thank you, Olestra.  Greasy, oily discharge.  
  After failing miserably with a woman, my friend asked what the most unnatractive thing about him was. She told him he was an arrogant misogynist.  He was so pleased - he'd been trying to become just that for ages.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was eating pizza in bed last night when a piece of crust fell on my blanket.  I picked it up, ate it and relized it tasted nothing like pizza crust.     P.S.  My dog sleeps on my bed when Im away   
  He always laughed after he came.  At first I would laugh too.  After the third time it just became annoying.  I mean a chuckle I can understand but the kind of laughter where you're heaving and gasping for air and rolling around on the floor, I just didn't get it.  Then he told me: "I've never laughed that hard before!"    
  I ride my bike to work every day.  Directly north, with the sun hitting the right side of my body.  In the evening directly south, with the sun, again, hitting the right side of my body.  I'm starting to get a lop-sided tan.  I pass the same guy twice every day going in the opposite direction.  He's getting the same type of tan on the opposite side of his body.  The only solution to our problem is to start an unholy war with each other, like those black-and-white guys on Star Trek.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was talking to blake about how intristing the airport is. "it's humanity at it's best." i said. "yeah," he said "leaving."  
  At the used and rare book store they actually had a signed first edition of  Steal This Book  on display for $300. Key word: had.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm grocery shopping with my roommate and we're sitting there looking at lettuce and I see this muscular black man about 15 years older than me staring at me.  He walks by me and says "how you doing?"  and keeps walking.  I quietly say "I'm fine, thank you" and keep staring at lettuce.   He walks by another minute later and is like, "what?  do you not speak english?!"  and I repond with "yes, and I answered you.  I said I'm fine thank you."  At this point he goes on to tell me that he thinks I'm attractive, blah blah blah, and I kindly thank him and get back to the idea of a salad for dinner. As he walks away, my roommate and I begin discussing the situation and we're both shocked that he had the balls to do that.  About a minute later he comes back again and gets in my face and is like, "did I scare you?  have you ever been hit on by a black man before?  I didn't mean to offend you." but he says it in such a way that makes me sound racist and then goes on to tell me how he thinks women are attractive no matter what color they are.   Ok, yay for him.. he thinks all color of women are attractive (he actually said, "black, white, blue, red.. whatever".....)  But for the love of god, if a girl doesn't speak to you the first two times you try to talk to her, why must a guy come up for a third time?!  And then make it sound like I did something wrong?!?!!     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My dad and I are in a convenience store buying some beer or gas or something. Up at the counter is  a lady furiously scratching scratch ticket after scratch ticket while her muddy-mouthed kid begs her teary-eyed for a thing of milk.  
  I couldn't decide if the dreadlocks were a cultural statement or a lack of hygiene, so I changed seats just in case.  
  Cat Presents   On Tuesday evening, one of my cats left me a present on the bathmat: a big turd.  On Wednesday evening, one of my cats stole two pairs of my underwear and placed them both in the litter box.  I think they're trying to tell me something.  
  I took this nice long relaxing shower. Afterwards, finished drying up, I felt those familiar rumblings in my lower region, and went and took a shit. Fuck. I wasted twenty minutes in the shower.   
           PLANNING FOR HEAD  When apart from my wife for several days, we talk on the phone about how she wants to suck my balls and throat my cock.  Essentially, she is trying to do her part to keep me interested while on the road.  I love it.    The day before I get home, knowing my wife is going to rape me...I find myself watching what I eat because of that one time when a woman told me my balls smelled like Burger King.    
  While living in NW Houston, I passed each day at an intersection of 290 and my street, a "homeless person". She had the obligatory sign that she held up for motorists. I never saw anyone give anything to her.  I did see her once, stumbling across the feeder, wavering in a drunken stupor, carrying two six packs of beer.  
  I just got back from vacation in Rome.  14 days and the only thing I have to show for it is a plastic snow globe that depicts Pope J.P.in front of St. Peter's with his arms raised to the Lord.  I think he praying that Jesus will get him the hell outta there.      
  I fear that if I get a job that the last of my soul will be sucked out of me like the last drop of soda threw a straw at the bottom of a cup and i will never have fun or be able to laugh at anything again.... I also fear that if I don't get a job I woun't be able to afford Half-Life 2 when it comes out and will have to beg my parents to get it for me for x-mis and I'll miss out on all that gaming time... Sigh...  The delema only a computer game addict can have.    
  While driving home, I pass by a Catholic Church.  I notice the sign outside.  Apparently a strong wind must have blown the M off because it read...  "Ass Daily, 10 AM"  
  i live in paradise across from a sleeping giant where cruise ships drop in frequently and leave their diesel engines on and drop their fat passengers off so they get on huge busses spitting black clouds of smoke where they can get off in another town in paradise.  
  The Apocalyptic Kamikaze Binge. I didn't realize I had been mixing them too strong until I had to get up and puke. I collapsed halfway to the bathroom and puked and puked and puked and hoped I would drown in it. I didn't. But my hair was like a loaded paintbrush, wet and heavy, and I marked the walls with my own sickness.  No, there's really no moral to this.         
  My boyfriend's 19th birthday fell during the first week in his first apartment.  His family came to see his new place and have birthday cake.  His mom made him a feather duvet for his birthday.  So naturally, when everyone left, we had sex on it.  After, I discovered that I had started my period.  Good thing his mom is a bit of a ditz, and made the duvet cover with a red and pink floral print. The blood stains hardly show.   
  There is a little Indian foreign exchange student who lives down the hall from me in my dorm. He had a physics project in which he had to build a flying model aeroplane.  He loved that plane very much, and he hung it in his window sill after the project was completed.  So one night we snuck into his room and stole it. We then flew it from the parking structure (8 stories) outside of our dorms.  I wonder what kind of grade this kid got, because that plane didnt fly very well at all.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Is it just me, or can you never cry when you eat pudding? You laugh, but the next time you're sobbing reach for the Jello Instant and you'll know what I'm talking about.   
  Remember how you used to be able to get dress-type pants with rope around the waist? One day in 6th grade I had a pair of these pants on and was sitting in class, bored.  So I start absentmindedly messing around with this rope and end up tying myself to my desk. Can't get the knot loose. So what do I do? Lean over to Megan, the class blabbermouth and ask for a pair of scissors.  Of course she opens her fucking mouth and the entire class erupts in pandemonium. Kids point and laugh at me until they're all on the floor moaning and gasping for air. I finally ask my teacher for a pair of scissors while the bitch is still laughing.    Her Reply: *chuckle*I.... *snicker* don't have any. You'll have..*chuckle*..to go the main office.   Bitch makes me dump all the shit out of my desk and go to the front office for a pair of scissors. The janitor sees me on the way there and also goes into laughter spasms. Luckily the rope breaks before I actually get to the main office, so I run back to class, stuff my shit back in my desk and didn't say a word in class for a week afterwards.  In retrospect? All of those motherfuckers are lucky I'm a nice guy at heart. Schools have been shot up for a lot less.   
  The pain in the ass neighborhood metalhead stereoblaster lost both the battle and the war. She scooted back inside to turn down the volume after my pissed off mom cranked up eardrum curdling opera from our radio.         
  A few months ago I jerked off while driving a car on the German Autobahn. It became tricky when I drove through a 8 km long construction site, but I succeeded.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         kinda didn't get along with my roomate last semester, actually, we didn't get along at all  after reading lowbrow i kept looking at her toothbrush... deviously plotting of what exactly she had to do before i stuck that fucker up my ass  i never ended up doing that, instead i would blatently be loud every morning at 5 am when i got up for crew, when she had just come in for bed a couple hours ago.  but i still wonder if my toothbrush has ever been in orfaces i've never seen  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i went to visit him. we had not spoken more than three times since i broke up with him a year before, and i had not heard from him in six months. out of the blue, he had asked me to pay him a visit. three times that night, he asked. i was bored and went. when i got there, he tried to kiss me on the lips in greeting. i was confused. we ended up scromping, then i offered him fellatio, and within four hours of my arrival i had slept with him. i went farther with him that day than when we were dating. we got scrumptious sushi, which he chose to feed to me at a few choice moments. we held hands. he was tender. he's really sweet, sensitive, and smart. i really respect him. i haven't heard from him in days. not that i expected to, but i still don't know what the hell to think.  although he managed to make me feel like a princess, i'd rather just be treated like a cheap fuck if that's what i am.  
   years ago,  I was taking a shit in the toilet downstairs and farted loudly. My sister, in her room upstairs, yelled to me: 'what were you saying?'.  hehehe.  She still calls me 'speaking ass' sometimes.  
  Interviewed at some company I had no chance of getting the job. The guy who lowered himself to interview me was peeved I'd wasted his time and made no pretense about it. He insisted on escorting me to the lobby... I guess he was afraid I'd steal the faux-Monet in the hallway.  Silent and pouty all the way down, he glared at my shoes as though he were terminally offended. Some very well-built woman got on a couple floors down and he immediately became Mr. Charming and started smiling at her and humming, like his life was all peaches and cream. As we got to the lobby, I left first, stopped in the way of the open door, and told him "don't worry, hon, the doctor said the rash goes away pretty soon... just no more butt-fucking until then." When I looked back, she was huddled in the corner of the elevator, looking at him like he was the Elephant Man naked.  
  We had just sat in our car after a Depeche Mode concert at San Diego State University. The parking garage was full of people trying to leave.  "Are you leaving?" the goth gal in the black skirt asked.  "Yup," I replied.  "Good," she said.  As I backed out of the parking space, she lifted her skirt, squatted down over the oil stained concrete, and pissed a river.       
  You know, I read these goddamn moments for what seems like centuries, but the two moments that I posted the other day never seem to come up.  This dissaponts me.  It's another thing to leave no trace at all.    
     we left the Orpheum after a Jane's Addiction show. we went out a back door and i hadta piss fiercely. i started walking down a short dead end street and porp and chezz started lauging and warning me about the rats. rats. yeah right. trying to scare me. "that's rat alley your pissing in". rat alley. yeah sure. you know whats coming next. so i duck behind a dumpster and bang on the side and start screaming in mock terror. heres your rats you fucks. the banging did, however, send a stream of rats poring from the broken dumpster,  running over my shoes.  then i screamed for real. dancing, pissing and landing on rats i shreiked. the river of rats disappeared into a crack in the curbstone, ten feet away. rat alley, boston mass.     
  whenever i eat kang pao chicken at my favorite chinese joint, i swear i can smell the exact same smell while i'm shitting it out that i smelt when i was eating it.  
  last summer i found myself driving through missouri with my lover and an uptight elderly lady at whose house we had spent the night, primly seperated in two different rooms. along the way i spotted a chain of roadside markets named "kum and go". these don't exist where i live, and i found them endlessly hillarous. the first time we passed one, i whispered to my lover "i guess they know what you did last night."  apparently i whispered too loudly, because the lady's back stiffened suddenly.  i guess she went home and washed the sheets right away.  
  They warned that if we sat in the first two rows, we *would* get wet.  When my friend turned to me and yelled, "Colin! There's cum on your dad!" I almost started to cry.  
  For one hundred dollars you can buy sex, drugs, or murder.  You can buy another human's dignity. You cannot buy shoes.    - e_arc@hotmail.com    What the fuck are you talking about?  I got my shoes for $40 at Lenny's Shoe & Apparel.  Unless you have feet the size of Shaquille O'Neal or they're deformed or something, take your expensive tastes down a notch or two.  Buy cheap shoes.  You can spend the money you save on more important things.  Like beer.  
  So, I'm sitting on the toilet happily dumping a load, when the smell hits me.   I'm about to start mouth breathing to avoid the stench, when I realise.  hey..  that smells good!  Seriously, if I'd smelled that same odour coming from a pot on a stove, I would have eaten some.  It was a beef and onion sort of smell, with a hint of spice.    A few moments of mental wrangling `That smells good!' `But it's SHIT!' `But it smells good!' `IT'S SHIT!'  And I figured I might as well enjoy it.  It was, on a smell level, the most enjoyable crap I ever took.  
  Hey. Put Easy Cheese  on Lays  Potato Chips. Easy Lays.  
  Embarassing Strip Club Moment #4  Ever wonder why they play the music so loud? Sometimes, the music just stops.  No, it's true. That ultra loud rap/techno that they play at the club, sometimes, due to technical or user error, just stops.  You know that gyrating dance the girls do?  Well, as good as it might look, it doesn't sound too hot in silence.  From two feet away.  I don't know what disturbed me more, the sound itself or the fact that I didn't know where exactly it came from.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If his favorite book is "Atlas Shrugged", don't touch him. No matter what. ~puck~  
  I discovered recently that a cute friend of mine worked briefly as a call girl. She was fired due to complaints that her eyebrows were too bushy. I haven't been able to look at her the same way since I heard that -about the eyebrows I mean.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Him - Swearing at the computer:  "I'm going to sell this damn thing to some natives, and tell them it's an automatic poontang machine that has to be activated with baseball bats!"  Me - "Did you just make that up?"  Him - "Yep."  Gotta love my Dad.  
  I was on this plane and I had to pee a lot, but I had a window seat and there was a fat old woman next to me, so I waited for the plane to land, but then I had to pee like fuck, and we got up in line to walk out, and I started feeling it come out. So I was there sweating, holding my penis shut with one hand, and I my bag over my crotch with the other, when I feel moisture on my fingers. I push the people in front of me and try to open the bathroom. LOCKED.  I am sweating pretty hard and there is piss halfway down my upper thigh, so I start running to the other bathroom. As I reach for the door, a flight attendant calls out "Sir, you can't go in there", but I open the door and rush in. BOXES. Boxes everywhere. I throw them onto the floor, and stepped on top of them, undo my fly and piss away. I asses the damage, pants wet halfway to my knee, hands smelly. Water faucet off. So I cover my pants with my jacket and step outside to a waiting "underage-escort" crowd all waiting for me, wondering where the fuck I am.  
  So i'm on the plane, waiting in line for the bathroom. there's quite a few people in line. finally i get in there, i'm a considerate guy so i piss quickly and then walk out, i walk down the aisle looking straight ahead and sit down in my seat. then i see the piss stain on my shorts. great.  
  Coming home from work in all that beloved Silicon Valley traffic (not as bad now actually, what with all the layoffs) I'm stopping-and-going behind a jeep with several smallish bumper stickers. One read, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck".   But I didn't take it personally.   
  You know those mornings when you're going to the bathroom, usually the first piss of the day, and the pressure builds up as if there were some sort of cork in there and then you start to pee but it's kinda off target so you adjust so you're not hitting the seat or the floor but then a little more of the "cork" (or whatever) breaks loose and now you have two streams and the second stream is now spraying on the shower curtain while the first is still hitting the water in the bowl so you adjust to get as little mess as possible and then the two streams finally meet and you (finally!) get the full flow of urine and it's now gushing out and since your cock is still pointing a different direction because of the dual streams most of the next seconds' worth of piss goes onto the back of the toilet or onto the floor or something and you just sit there with a quizzical look on your face cuz you don't know what just happened and the only thing you can think of is that you're barely awake and now you have to clean your own piss off the floor but the toilet paper is out because your bastard little brother is too fucking lazy to pull the roll out from under the sink so you check there and there's no paper so you have to go down the hall and grab a roll and in the meantime your previously mentioned dick hole of a brother has gotten up and run into the shower to take all the hot water and make you late for work and when he finally gets out of the bathroom he hasn't even done anything about the piss (of course) so now you have to go into the muggy bathroom in which every single surface has condensation on it making it that much harder to discern the piss from the not piss so you end up practically mopping the whole bathroom with toilet paper?  You know those mornings?  What the hell makes your piss split streams?  
  7/27/03   Sometimes I reflect back on the beer I have consumed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery,the guys that drive the trucks, the people who sit behind the computers all day coming up with catchy advertisements and all of the other people that help to bring this beer to me, and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."  
  a bunch of us are in the basement of a buddies house watching pornos and when it showed the money shot (she got it in the eye) for some reason i got extremely nauseous and ran to the bathroom. it passed and then i realized i had to take a shit. so i'm sitting there and i must have taken awhile cuz one of the guys knocked on the door and started to come in while asking if i was alright.   as i had my pants down and i was sitting on the toilet i yelled, no, don't come in.  it wasn't until i came back downstairs that i realized the uncomfortable silence was because they all thought i ran to wack off.  
  I was having sex on a pretty regular basic with this guy...we'll call him B.  B was a really good fuck...was always ready to come over with one phone call.  B kept telling me how great my blow jobs were.  Then I get out of no where from B's friend...we'll call him J, saying B said I could hook him up with some excellent head. Booty call gone bad?  Uh yea, I'd say so.  The worst part?  I did hook J up.   
  Me: "I know it's after your cut-off time, but could you enter this P.O. for me?  I have a some rush orders I have to get out tonight."  Co-Worker Bitch: "I got a lot to do, but OK.  I'll do this one for you."  Me: "Thanks!  Now I might not have to stay late."  So what do I do?  LOWBROW RELOAD!  I'll probably stay late anyway.  
  I inherited another piece of shitty legacy code today.  I almost screamed, but instead I consoled myself with a lunch consisting of three small bags of greasy chips, and a couple of cups of coke.  It sucks to work for the borg.   
  My 3rd year of college I lived with one of my best friends from high school.  We had a 7 foot homemade bong.  We called it 'God' and I painted 'Bow Down' along the side of it, and painted a gold cross that intersected the carb.   I'm going to hell.   
  lowest moment during my pot-smoking days:  jonesing so bad but not having a connection, i went so far as to load up yahoo and type in "weed" and my city's name.   there were no matches.  i hate myself.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Love Your Neighbour #2  I went over to bitch about their friend driving too fast in my alley. From #1:  Me: "Next time you see him, could you tell him he has two choices if he ever does that again?"  He: "Like what?"  Me: "Either I call the police..."  He: "Yeah?"  Me: "Or I cut his little pecker off."  Next day, as I'm getting in my van, I hear his goddamed oooh-gaah horn again. I stop at their house. Truly aggressive guy comes down the steps and starts shouting at me. He: " Don't you dare talk to my daughter that way! I called the cops on you for harassment! You don't threaten to cut someone's dick off and get away with it! " He goes on for a while. I let him. I'm no match for him. I finally nod, and say: "Now that you put it like that, I see that I was completely in the wrong. I apologise to you and your daughter. "I'd much rather just do things in a friendly, neighbourly manner." He: " Well, so would I...  I agree the speed limit in these alleys is much too high." Me: "Can we shake on it? And could you slow down a little?" He: "Thanks for the apology." They think I was a cringing yellowbelly. I do not give one monkey's fuck what they think of me. I got him to slow down in the alley. Mission accomplished.  
  I discovered that I can pick up peanuts with my penis, but I rarely tell anyone because it's very difficult to say.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           What is that on my lip?  It looks like a chunk of hamburger, but I don't eat meat.  Sometimes is leaks this yellowish liquid.  It is kind of embarassing.  Maybe I will get a needle and try to pop it, but I don't know if it is the type of thing that will pop or not.  I will keep you posted.  
  We went to a luau while on vacation, and during the warm-up show the emcee asked if anyone was having a birthday. I raised my hand. Later the waitress came by and asked to see my driver's license to verify it, because if it was your birthday the dinner was free. I told her my purse had been stolen the first night we got here, managing to work up some tears about the cherished family photos and my watch I'd gotten from my mother on her deathbed.  She felt so bad for me not only was my dinner free, so was my husband's, and our bar tab was erased. My purse, need I mention, was back at the hotel, driver's license clearly showing my birthday to have passed three months earlier. Happy unbirthday to me.  
  ...I was walking up to my bus stop when I saw an old guy out flat on the ground at the stop. There were three people standing beside him trying to pretend he wasn't there...  This reminds me of the time i was driving past a bus stop just as a little (about 90 Lbs.) old lady with a cane fell right straight on her ass. All these people passing by. I did a screeching u-turn,  parked facing the wrong way and helped her up.  I offered to drive her home--wherever--but she just dusted herself off and began to wait for the next bus. Spunky. Most people are indeed morally fucked.  
  The primary problem I have with masturbation is not the feelingsof shame and guilt, but the sticky, disgusting mess it inevitably causes. I've frequently considered having a surgeon reroute my vas deferens into my colon, but this poses the problem that any autopsy would indicate that I was gay. This would be too much indignity to bear.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was hoping to hold in my shit until I got to work, so I could drop it on the company's dime. But it wanted to come out before I left.  I hate that. I'd much rather be paid to shit.  By the way, the only thing worse than going into a cold bathroom and sitting on a cold toilet seat is going into a cold bathroom and sitting on a warm toilet seat....   
  On my way to work this morning, I made a quantitative observation:  When buying a cup of coffee, the speed with which the line moves is inversely proportional to the amount of [mostly female] suits [that would be, businesspeoples] in said line.  Are those folks buying coffee and a danish, or working out a fucking second mortgage?   
  Ok.  I get high at work.  When I was in my mid twenties I worked in a pizza place in northern CA.  The kids there smoked non stop.  The owner approved.  It was heaven.  We'd bust ass for about five hours until we were all hot and sweaty and stressed then we'd all slip out and get high.  Real high.  Then we'd come back in and like an army of silent stoned bees take that restaraunt over.  Man we kicked ass I tell you.  Making pizza stoned - the dough was all alive in my hands.   Ahhhhh, those were the days.  Anyway, almost ever since, when work is terrible (which I mean when isn't it) -I'll slip out and take a toke.  Returning to work freshly spun and amped and ready to fucking GO.  My bosses would fire me but you know what?  Fuck them.  I work hard and when stoned I work just as hard.  As far as your getting high where YOU work - if it might endanger the lives of others - pilots, bus drivers, patients, you get the idea - I'm not talking to you.  You stay straight for Christ's sake.  You took the wrong job not me.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I finally convinced her to lend me her car one night.  I had my brother in the car and a buddy of mine in the back seat. We stopped to purchase some drugs and while bro and I were inside, buddy's gallon of cheap red wine and three plates of sphagetti makes their triumphant return. It seems he was too drunk to find the door handles.  The next morning is spent detailing. The car is much cleaner than when I got it.   Three days later she pulls up the seat lever and has a hand nearly full of bright red, partially digested pasta.  Somehow, she knew immediately...  
   When your searching for porn and you load a page and she's perfect - perfect body, perfect hair, face ect.  And the fuckhead who directed the photo shoot (or movie) managed, amazingly, to not take one fucking sexy photo of her.  Not one.  Too much flash, camera too far away, to my gynecology, it just goes on and on.  Where is the justice?  All them hormones cooking from the time she was 14 for nothing.  
  Briefly, during my 15th year of life, I became bored with regular masturbation.  As I balanced myself, face down, over the toilet bowl with the intention to find out what the cold water would feel like splashing against my little friend, I thought, "Maybe I should just use my left hand."  
  I think chicks who dye their hair blonde are even stupider than the true blondes. When you think about it, it's kinda like cutting off your own arm because you're not naturally handicapped.  
  I'm not really what you would call a "man's man".  I'm not a sports fanatic (I  do  know the rules for each of the sports and a whole shitload of the teams and their cities, but I couldn't tell you what a triple-double is), I don't enjoy nudie bars (well, any more than a decent dance club), I don't womanize (I should leave that one up to my female friends), I'm sensitive, etc.  But, ladies, I will tell you how to get yourself a better Valentine's Day.  Women have the same kind of emotional attachment to Valentine's Day as guys do to Super Bowl Sunday (yes, even me).  So, if you want a better V-Day, make his Super Bowl grand.  Do something like buy him his favorite good beer, some munchies, one of those silly beer helmets (but you have to make sure to get the one with the P.A. on it), and he should treat you better on V-Day.  For an even better time, give him head or fuck him, doing most of the work yourself (think: how you'd like to be made love to when tired, then speed it up a little).  He will definitely appreciate you more on V-Day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I used to run long distance a lot (16-18), my undies would get this evil shit stain. I don't know why because I wipe my ass as best I can. I guess it goes to show that rectal leakage doesn't discriminate because of age.  
  Fourteen years on the same job. Only missed work two or three times. Hardly ever late.  I was late today.  Thanks alot, lowbrow!    
  When I was a lad on the farm, my father had to get up at night to pee.  He kept a large coffee can under the bed, the kind with the picture of an old arab guy in a robe drinking coffee.  When he felt the call, he just had to step out of bed and let fly in the can.  My contribution to family harmony, I was only 8, was to cut the bottom out of the can.  The anticipation was delicious.  I laughed my little ass off all day imagining dad getting his feet wet.  But he never said a word about it.  A new can appeared but nothing was ever said.  Maybe he thought it was funny?  I'll never know and it still bothers me a bit.  
  I get the urge sometimes to throw a hair dryer in the bathtub. Just to see what would happen.  Would there be lightening skittering across the water, like a fork in the microwave? Or would it just be a pop and some smoke?   Can someone tell me? I don't want to lose my only freezer defroster.  
  Last night, when I dropped her off at her house, she said she wanted me to really kiss her sometime.   This from the woman who always air-kisses me when I arrive so that her lipstick does not get smudged. The woman who tells me she has no sex drive because of the anti-depressants. The woman who has to get home before her college age daughter.  I told her that I kiss her like she kisses me. I thought she hated kissing.  
  Loveline had a 14 year old girl who called in because she stuck a hot dog up ner and then accidentally broke it off. I hope when the doctors get it out, they sterilize her. she's too stupid to reproduce  
  I just broke up with my girlfriend of a year. It was a tough decision. Not because I liked her or anything, but you see... summer was coming and she's the only person I know with a boat.  
   Limbo Brewpub Moment 03/04/02  The title is just for you folks who thought (perhaps, hoped?) that I might run out of these eventually. Nope -- I generate them in real time.  I'm reading my paper and sitting beside two women. One asks John the bartender what "IBU" means in the beer descriptions. John answers stumblingly, so I take over. Then she asks what "OG" stands for, so I explain that one, too.*  She: "What's that accent? You must be Irish."  Me, growling: "Not that you Canadians would know the difference, but I'm Scottish."  I go back to my paper, and the woman launches into a light-hearted round of insults, one for everyone in the bar. Then she asks the chef if he would come to her house to cook dinner.  Me: "A personal chef? I'll be your personal chef. What do you like to eat? No, let me think ... I'd say fried chicken, with chitlins and grits on the side, and for dessert, watermelon?"  The bar goes just a little quiet, as you can imagine. (Note for non-Americans: It's not at all obvious, but reciting that particular menu to two black women qualifies as "pushing the envelope" about as far as it will go.)  She: "Oh, I guess I deserved that, calling you Irish."  She's fine, but the rest of the customers are a little wary of what I might say next (I just  love  living on the edge!)  The women are both wearing wedding bands, but they're talking about meeting some "Tyrone," who is "the answer to our dreams."  Me: "Sorry, not possible. Nobody named "Tyrone" is the answer to anyone's dreams."  They laugh, then one says that Tyrone told them that he especially likes "women of colour."  Me: "I only like 'women of colour' -- just crazy about them."  John looks at me, very worried. Sometimes he has so little faith in me...  Me: "It's those damn albinos I just can't take -- those pink eyes just give me the willies."  Two new friends made. Aaah, the joys of another evening on the edge...  ------------------  *Just if you're  dying  to know, "IBU" stands for International Bitterness Units and is a measure of how bitter the brew is relative to other brews.  "OG" is Original Gravity, and measures how much heavier than water the wort is before fermentation (and thus how much sugar is present). FG, or Final Gravity, is rarely listed, but it shows how much unfermented sugar is left at the end. If you subtract FG from OG, you can calculate the exact alcohol content of the finished beer.  
  I am just a normal guy. And while a fairly empathetic and sensitive person (even artistic), I do not pretend to understand everyone's motivations. So much so that I can understand the motivations underlying islamic extremism, and yet, somehow, I cannot for the life of me fathom what must be going on inside the head of someone who writes or performs in musicals. I have nothing against thespians. I just cannot seem to get a grip on their inner dialogue. Go figure.  
  the nashville networks shows replays of the dukes of hazzard  Comedy Central has Saturday Night Live, even the lame years  Nick At Night has the Jeffersons  i don't have cable  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and I are talking and he asks me "What was the reason you broke up with your g/f? (since he is dating her now) Since I don't want to break up with her for the same reason as you did".  I answer: " I broke up with her because I never liked her"  Ackward silence...wierd looks....  Both: HAHAHAHAHA.  
  Last year I drove to my friend's house in Tucson AZ.  We were walking around outside and stopped and sat on the curb.  There was desert crap like rocks and cactuses behind us.  My friend's brother wandered off for a couple minutes, then came back with what looked like a red balloon in his mouth that he was trying to blow up.  On closer inspection, it was a used condom.  
  One year at summer camp, our counselor was this guy who kept a roll of toilet paper by his bunk in the cabin (for God knows what.)  One day it was really hot, and my brother's chocolate bar was melting in its wrapper.  I dared him to wad up some toilet paper, smear some melted chocolate on it, and leave it on the counselor's bunk.  He did, and when the counselor saw it, he freaked out and yelled at us.  Finally we gave in (to avoid punishment) and told him it wasn't really shit.  We laughed for hours.  
  "well what'd they say?"  "that i was ok, i don't need the emergency contraception if i'm on the pill and i've taken it everyday and haven't missed any."  "SWEET!"  he picks me up and hugs me.  [silence]  his eyes light up.  "HEY! i have this great idea!!!!"  "what's that?"  "let's go and get you pregnant, and then we'll sue the planned parenthood people for telling you that you were covered, and you didn't need the ec. cmon, i'll hump til it hurts if i half to. we both need the money."  he grins.  thought: and to think, i dated this moron. what the fuck is wrong with me? more importantly, what the FUCK is wrong with HIM????       
  this seems to be a great topic around here:   Once I didn't shit for a week, really, a fucking whole week, I was so scared I was dying or something, I actually tried to give myself an enema.  There is nothing more humiliating than laying sideways on your own bed while you try to stuff a greasy nozzle up your ass.  I couldn't bring myself to squeeze the liquid into my ass, so I started crying and called my mother.  I am 26 years old, and I called my mother cause I couldn't shit.  She recommended magnesium citrate, and now, I recommend it too.  
  After dinner in Philadelphia I wanted to drive back to my hotel in Delaware but I got on the freeway going the wrong way.  No problem, get off at the next exit, turn under the freeway, get back on. I had picked an exit that does not have a corresponding entrance.  I am driving around at night in what I was later told is the most dangerous part of the city. I am looking for a freeway sign on my left. I hop a curb on my right. I barely get the rental car off of the curb, and see a 7-11 just a block ahead.  I park my car go inside and ask for directions. Everyone in the place is black. I am white. They don't even answer me before they tell me I need to leave. I ask for directions again. They tell me it is not safe for me to be there. They will not even let me buy a cup of coffee before they send me on my way.  They were truly concerned for may welfare. They left such a good impression on me that I still can't believe it was really a bad part of town.  
  If we  were  all to meet some day and got good and liquored up, I would hate to be the kid who cleaned that Denny's bathroom that night.  
  So this buddy of mine was moving from California to some bumfuck midwest state (e.g. Minnesota). He had left a  day late and was speeding a bit to make up time. In Nevada he gets pulled over for speeding, but isn't much daunted. In Kansas, he is pulled over again for speeding, and this time the message hits home that not all state's troopers are as lenient (or blind) as those found in California, so he decides not to chance it, and slows down to within about 5 mph of the speed limit.   In Minnesota, he is pulled over for the third time for doing 60 in a 55 zone. He's really pissed about the fact that he's gotten three tickets within a couple of days, and since he's made good time (from all that speeding), he decides not to chance it anymore, and slows to like 45 in that same 55 zone. Within a few miles, a different trooper pulls him over, and tickets him! This time for driving too slow and obstructing traffic!  So my buddy is pulled over on the side of the highway, crying and generally lamenting being the recipient of four moving violations within a week, two of which were within 5 minutes of each other. He's sitting there trying to pull himself together on the side of the highway when another trooper comes up along side him and asks why he's on the side of the road. He says that he's really upset from all these tickets he's gotten, and he's trying to calm down before driving again.  Apparently that wasn't a good enough reason for the trooper, so he issued him another ticket for being stopped along side the road.  Hey, at least it wasn't FIVE moving violations.  
  The guilt feelings, the anxiety attacks and the sadness just would not go away.  Guess it's one of those Calistoga[tm] and Valium[tm] kinda days.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  johnnys foodmaster was a hellish place filled with dumb drooling bag stuffing boys attempting stupid sexual inuendos with the high school catholic girls who ran the registers a meat market for the inept and inexperienced in full view for any behaviorist to take notes should they desire it was the only foodstore i could walk to as i had smoked the engine in my chevy s10 expletive expletive pimple boy in his best beavis said doesnt she look like cindy crawford in regard to the object he desired at the register hoping that one line would make her drop trow and imortalize him with the first love experience that was not his secret furry glove i turned to the moron and said loud enough for her to hear next to her cindy crawford is a dog she smiled and blushed and the dope shut his godammed mouth for two seconds         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Answer: Cancer.  Question: What is the funniest thing to suggest at improv comedy clubs?  
    I one  wacking it one day, in my bathroom and my mom walked in and caught me, she said what are you doing then asked if she could help!      
  It was a friday night in the best city in north america, no, not NYC. I hate NYC. Anyway, I am a 21 year old male. I should be out at a good bar or club trying to pick up or riding the subway fucked out of my mind, or just strolling the streets around looking for something good. Instead I sat on my couch and drank PBR alone and then stumbled to the old man bar my apartment and drank there until I vomited. I need a girlfriend or something.   
  I was visiting my grandmother with my family over a Thanksgiving vacation. I was about 10 years old. Across the street was a school yard.  One day I saw a couple of kids that were a couple of years older than me throwing around a football. I walked over and asked if I could join them.  One kid says, "Yes, I will play defense. My friend will play quarterback. You hike the ball and he will throw to you."  I get down to hike the ball and the first kid knocks me on my ass. He says that I should hike the ball as soon as I pick it up off of the ground. It was a legal hit.  I had not picked up the ball Every time I touch the ball he slams into me.  I am too stubborn (or stupid) to give up. This goes on for five or six times. The quarterback argues with his frined to stop, but I keep crouching over the ball and the bastard keeps creaming me.   I am hurt. Bruises and scuffs, no broken bones, some blood.  I end it by looking at my "defender", then the quarterback. A bully and his wimp, chump of a friend. I slowly walk away and clean up before any of my family sees me.  This was the last time I was bullied. Every other time some asshole tried to intimidate me I stared him in the eye and told him to take his best shot. I figured that I could easily take one hit from him if I could take six from my original oppressor.  Heaven help me if one of them would have come after me. I think I would have killed him.  
  Went down to the mailboxes and there was some little brat, trying to open them at random. He stuck his key in mine and I told him to get the fuck away from my mailbox, and he ran off. While I was sorting out the junkmail, he comes back with his fatass mom.  Fatass- "Did you curse at my child?" Me- "No." Kid- "She did too! She did too!" Me- "oh yeah? What did I say?" Kid- "You said to get the fuck away from your mailbox." Fatass- "Antoine, you watch your fucking mouth!" And she proceeded to beat his ass all the way home.    
  I went to bed with my stalker and he got too drunk to spoo.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After staying awake for about 50 hours, walking across town on a whim, successfully making and eating a pot pie for breakfast, stealing about 160 dollars worth of various merchandise, and attending a wake, I recently discovered a pimple square above my penis, buried in my pubes. Popping it was easily the most satisfying thing I've done all week.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself, a small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough before it ever felt sorry for itself." DH Lawrence  ...still fucking dead isn't it.  
  I decided, one morning, that I should really finish my morning routine and go on with my day instead of reading lowbrow all morning. I sent my friend this message:   "There's a time when you must say "No" to lowbrow and go on with your day to say "Yes" to clean pants."  Then, this message:  "OMG, I should put that on there! "Yes" to lowbrow!"  I promptly returned, typed this up, and spent another good half hour reading stories here.  Dammit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Another Secondary (high) school, another English teacher. He was one of the last of the old-breed teachers, sitting behind his high desk, gold watch chain stretched across the fat gut of his ash-stained waistcoat, peering forbiddingly over his half-glasses. John Pollock was his name. Next time I go back to the old country, I will lay flowers on his grave and sob. He adopted me. Needing a father-substitute, I adopted him. First day of the next school year, he said: "Here's the syllabus, which I am  required  to teach you, but as long as you all pass your O-Levels (countrywide exams), which I guarantee you will, I'll keep my job. "So let's have fun in the meantime." We had fun in the meantime, studying illegal, unBowdlerized Shakespeare and so on. I swear he even got some of the real yobbos to appreciate literature. He spent a couple weeks coaching us on the upcoming O-Levels, like: "There will be three rather vague essay questions. One of them can be answered by referring to Robert Burns' 'Tam O'Shanter'. "I don't care if you like it, or even read it, but  memorize  this analysis of it, and find some way to get it into your answer, verbatim. "The graders will know you're cheating when they see thirty answers containing the same passage, but there's not a damn thing they can do about it." We all passed. I can still remember most of the analysis: "...the magnificent thumbnail character sketches..." and so on. And the LowBrow moment? The greatest man I ever met peered down at me one day and said: "Mr. [Limbo], if you ever make a living by doing something other than writing, you will be  wasting your life ". I'm a software engineer -- not what I expect he had in mind. But he is no doubt the reason I've polluted this site almost as much as sorry_e_e...  
  I got drunk for the first time.   I walked in on two different couples having sex, in the same bedroom, at different times. I didn't know any of them.  I then offered to buy a girls shoe (just one) for $175.00.  She then complained she didn't have a job, I had two at the time, so I did what any gentleman would do, I offered her one.  
  My boyfriend's mom is really into American flag shit...she has pillows, baskets, wall hangings, crafts, blankets, you name it, all with the American flag printed on it.  This includes a big American flag beach towel.   We were feeling a little frisky one night and didn't want to ruin her sheets, so he went upstairs and brought down that fucking towel! So we fucked on the American flag and made a big fucking mess all over it.   Betsy Ross would kick my ass for that one.   
  A lowbrow moment is realizing that you are 26 and have never had sex with a woman.   I would become gay but I am sure I wouldnt get any from a man either.  
  I beat Jesus at table-tennis.  Take away that "son-of-god" bullshit, and he's nothing but a long-haired hippie with no hand-eye-coordination.   
  So she walks in to our office, looks at me, unzips her sweater, and says, "Wow, I'm hot."  My first thought: "Yes, you are. . ."  My first words: "It's gotten warm out, huh?"  *sighs*   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Our standard small party, just a group of 10 or so of us getting drunk at one of our houses.  No big deal.  Until my friend decides he is hungry and needs some food.  So we volunteer to make a food run.  We collect orders and money and are on our way.  Approaching my car I decide that I am too drunk to drive, so I give him the keys.  Bad idea.  We make it about 3 yards down, before I make him stop.  Note: yards not street.  So I'm obviously better off driving than him, so we switch.  I get back on the road, and am driving quite well.  Two blocks down we pass the police station.  Note: don't party within earshot of the police station, especially when you are ALL underage.  Half mile later, sirens and lights kick in, behind me.  Fuck.  I pull over and tell my friend to let me handle this.  He doesn't object because he is staring so hard at the dashboard, it can only mean he is trying to blow shit up with his mind, or keep from vomiting in my car.  Police officer walks up and I roll down the window.  I get the flashlight in the eyes as I ask what the problem is. "Oh nothing, you just didn't have your headlights on".  Fuck. "You boys been drinkin'?".  Fuck.  He runs me through the tests, and I do moderately well.  Well enough that he tells me to go home.  Doesn't even check my license.  Yes.  I turn to walk towards my car, as I notice the distinct sound of it starting.  Fuck.  My car then begins to take off down the road in a peculiar and slow fashion.  Seems I had put the e-brake on and my friend failed to notice that when he tried to escape from the already resolved situation.  Fucker.  Car makes it 10 or 20 yards before he kills it, because he can't drive a stick well.  All the while the cop stands there completely dumbfounded.  After the car dies the cop and I kinda jog up there.  We pull my friend out and the cop asks him if he wants to take the breathalyzer.  My friend promptly throws up on him.  Yeah I went to jail that night.  Fucker.    
  "Weren't you paying attention?"  "No, sorry, Mr. Shilton. I was daydreaming about receiving a blowjob from Kelly White, the girl across the room."  
  my little sister borught her new boyfriend home from college.  my boyfriend was away at college.  my sister left him with me while she went to the mall.  I gave him head.                 
  We invited them out for a nice meal. Partly because we were guests in their apratment but mostly because where we live is devoid of restaurants and we were looking forward to some big city ethnic food. She insisted that we stay for dinner, that SHE would prepare. After much insisting, we sadly shelved our desires and relented so as not be rude.  We sat and chatted for a while. Drank some very bad headache-inducing white wine. Then we sat down for the dinner. Spaghetti with Ketchup. Spaghetti's and ketchup. Spaghetti's and ketchup??? Spaghetti's and ketchup!!! Out of sheer politness, a "thank-you" eeked from lips as she passed a plate of plain dry spaghetti and he extra-large bottle of Heinz. Seldom have I been at such a loss of what to say or do next   
  Is anyone with me when I say that the smell of a Whataburger is somehow very similar to the smell of body odor?  I havent had a Whataburger in years since I moved away from Texas, but the gym locker room really makes me hungry.  
  One day in my Graphic Arts class someone didn't think that I would paint my tongue green with the acrilyc paint (it's non-toxic, what do I care).  The funniest part was when I was rinsing it off in the water fountain, spitting green water out of my mouth and smiling bright green teeth as people I knew walked by.  It didn't taste very good.  
  Once I was in Dallas for the annual OU/Texas rivalry with a bunch of guys from some fraternity. We went to this drive-in movie place where they show porno movies after midnight.  This one movie was like a bloopers feature. Said actress was blowing said actor, you know rubbing the guys cock all over her face. I guess they mis-timed and the guy shot her right in the eye at point blank.  Like a true "professional" she kept right on working.  
  clamydia is not a flower  
  I was browsing through some CDs and came across something by K. D. Lang.  I had never heard of K. D. Lang before, but the cover shot of this person immediately struck me as handsome/sexy/really-good-looking guy. Lang was dressed in a pinstripe suit, giving the camera a very "burning-sexy" look. So I just kind of stood there looking at this for a minute, thinking how hot this guy was. Then I saw the album title: Drag. And *then* I realized that K. D. Lang is a woman.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i had no idea that the lower intestinal tract could hold so much shit. or that it could leave my body at such an amazing velocity.  
   At this fucked up little hotel party shindig composed of internet-socializing freaks, we're talking about our trip to Six Flags planned for the next day.   Me: When we go through the safari, I wanna give the monkeys guns, it would be beautiful.   Cue-ball lookin' former Ranger guy, chuckling and pointing with his pipe: You know, a lot of people wouldn't see the humor in that.   Unfortunately no one had brought any throw-aways with them, so we had to settle with simply infuriating the little monsters so they tore up the Jeep behind us, which happened to be in our group as well.   Angry, angry monkeys, your revolution will come some day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         1993: I'm let loose to play with the world's fastest supercomputer. Some enormous $160 million NEC beastie.  All I'm doing is checking that our software works on it, but it is quite a rush, anyway. 1998: I want to upgrade my home computer, so I build one that is slightly faster than the NEC, for $450. Those guys who spent $160,000,000 - why were they in such a rush? Couldn't they have waited five years?  
  "Rubber ducky you're the one, that makes bath time so much fun........"  hehe....Japanese sex toys rock!  
  This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.   FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?   GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.   FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?   GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.   FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?    GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.   FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.   GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?   The radio went silent and the interview ended.   
   There I was, opening the door to the garage. The sound of rats knawing on rubber bands filled the cement four walled world. I slowly reached for the light switch and flick, on it went. There they were, five midgets nibbling on my brand new GoodYear tires! I calmly invited them in for tea and crumpets, made them do a little dance at gunpoint and then blew one of there little big heads off. The rest I forced to disrobe and run down the street for everyone to see. No one messes with my tires!  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I really think that in schools, they should have mooing played over the P.A. while the classes are changing... it's the same thing, only with people.  
  i woke up fully dressed in my gf's clothes. locked in to boot.  and she was wearing a dress the night before.  but she wasnt mad at me, she was locked in the next dumpster with my clothes.  our damned friends paid for that.  
  This I discovered years ago:  Drop a Gummy Bear into a glass of water. Leave overnight. In the morning, said Gummy Bear is five times its original size and much, much more transparent.  I used to be very easily entertained...  
  Had to laugh at the following. Guys don't give a rat's ass whether they're real or not and even if any of them did, they can't seem to tell the difference anyway. Even when they watch a female in a movie who is laying flat out on whatever surface and her tits are sticking up and round just like big, skin covered steel balls.  = = = =  Guys, stop worrying about if they're real or not. They're tits, bought or homegrown doesn't matter if you've managed to get to the point you can do a hands-on test.  I mean, do we ask you if those lines you're desperately feeding us are original?    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com       
  I have strict rules about meeting people online: If I have to travel to meet them (usually I say I'm drunk and want them to come over to my place), I require a picture, a phone number, an address, and that they live no more than 20 minutes away.  Yeah, right, like I'm gonna blow $200+ on a plane ticket to nail an 18 year old in Idaho when I can drive to Long Beach and get it for $3 in gas.  
  Glenmore Vodka represents everything that is Lowbrow on its own right.  We've got a bottle of it that's got to be two years old now, and every time we have a party and someone new (or someone we haven't gotten yet) is greatly encouraged to take a double shot of the shit, straight, first thing...then continue drinking.  Guaranteed to make you sick as hell.  Glenmore smells EXACTLY like rubbing alcohol, especially in the aged state our is in.  I'm pretty sure it would eat through the coffee table (or clear up an infection instantly), so the shots usually go on in the kitchen.  These poor fucks never know what's about to hit them, although we are nice enough to suggest that they hold their nose.  The clencher to all this is the following line, uttered by my best buddy a good while after his shot when I first thought of this scheme...it's now a classic amongst my friend:  "By the way, asshole, my throat still burns, asshole." *middle fingers extended*  
  despite the fact that every apple jacks commercial made in the past 10 years has made it a point to say " APPLE JACKS DOES NOT TASTE LIKE APPLES"  I still expected it to taste like apples  I was actually shocked that it didn't.   That's kinda fucked.  
  www.defensivedriving.com  Yes, in Texas, you can take your Driver Safety / Defensive Driving class *online*, over the web, for $40.  I'm sitting here in my underwear watching anti-drunk-driving videos.  For all they know, I could be drunk right now, while taking the class.  Now THAT is lowbrow.  
   The Heyday Of hitchhiking   (Long, but lots of fun)  I hitchhiked from Vancouver BC, to Boulder Co, in 1976. My original plan was to hit up San Francisco, since I was fascinated with California. Very first ride I got was an old guy with a dalmation who was going all the way. What a piece of luck! 'Cept he was really dull, and his dog kept licking me. He stopped at some town and told me he was visiting somebody, but he liked talking to me, and if I waited at the entrance ramp for an hour, he'd take me all the way. My ticket to  California  Surfing City, in the bank! But I wanted to have fun, so I stuck my thumb out immediately. Car that stopped had another long-haired hitchhiker in it, and he and I hit it off immediately. The guy dropped us off, and what developed next was one of the best days of my life. Next ride wasn't going south - he was going to the coast. I looked at my new buddy, we nodded, and told him we'd ride along. He handed us two cold beers. The next ride was the same. Handed two cold beers, but the driver was drunk out of his gourd, hitting the median strip and so on. We asked to be dropped off at the next exit, then when a police cruiser came along in a couple of minutes, we flagged him down and gave him the guy's licence #. The next ride was the same. Guy was sober, but handed us two beers anyway. But then he got to talking: "You guys are hippies, right?" We agreed. He asked us if we ever got high. We agreed that we did. He asked if we had any, said he'd never tried it. My buddy reached into his pack and pulled out a doobie. We pulled over and the three of us got high. He gave us another couple of beers each, then dropped us off in a little coastal town. In order to get the guy high for the first time, my buddy and I had been  forced  to ingest a large quantity of decent weed, so we were flying. We hoisted our packs, and walked down Main Street in a happy fog. A car driving down the street stopped, and the four girls in it called over to us, inviting us for a ride. We just stood there, thinking we were probably hallucinating, but the people on the sidewalk started joining in, saying things like: "You might never get an invitation like that ever again - go for it!" We got in, to much cheering from the sidewalk and much giggling from the girls. We drove down to the beach, and I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I paddled in it happily, while my buddy got the girls high. Then we all went paddling, then skinny-dipping. (Naaah, no body-fluids here). They were going to an actual rodeo, and invited us along. We went along. The girls eventually vanished, but my buddy had lots of good weed, and I had lots of money, so I bought the beer and he and I got stoked. Then we started to hit on some of the rodeo girls, with their cowboy hats and shirts tied up tight beneath their rodeo breasts. They were into it, but it was a bad move - we got the shit kicked out of us by their guys. We woke up sore the next morning, lying in some gazebo, wondering where we were. Then the four girls came back, looking for us...   
  I suppose it might not be considered "couth" to have anal sex in the bed of a stranger when you are staying in his apartment as the guest of his roommate.  I've never been one to consult Emily Post before I stick it in, though.  
  I had a friend once who always joked about how he was going to spike the church wine with acid.  That was high school.  If only I could even get my hands on some acid now.  
  my boyfriend of a year told me cheated on me with a 4 foot tall midget.  he is 6'2''.i asked "How the fuck could you do that?" to which he replyed "sorry." then i said "No, i really ment how the fuck could you do that?" now i am single and i still wonder...    
  We were talking about making money, and I told my girlfriend I need to go to a sperm bank.  She goes, Oh you want to make a withdrawal?  Hardy har har, girl.  Just wait till you see where I make the next deposit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Randomly have sex with a guy that is in the frat that all my friends are in...don't really know him but he's friends of friends. A week later, we're all sitting around talking and another kid says his last name, which I remark is very similar to mine. Guy I slept with looks up, asks, "Hey, what IS your last name?" I give him a look. I say my name, then, ".....what's yours?" He tells me. So I shake his hand, "Nice to meet you." We just sit there, shaking our heads at our own stupid sluttery and smiling.  
  I brought a plastic cup and thermos full of homemade coffee to work bearing the ever popular Starbucks name.  This guy I hardly knew asked me, "Do you really pay $5 for that cup of coffee at STarbucks?"  I simply replied, "No, I fuck a guy who works there and get it for free."  -Ag uy  
  every time, without fail, i finish jerking off, look at my lengthy 'favorite internet sites' list, and the only site that seems right is lowbrow, and so the cycle repeats  
  So we're hanging out with some of the gods of the video game industry, who's names I will not mention.  We go to a Houlihans for dinner, and while we are waiting in the lobby, I go into my schtick about how, if we in the video game industry make more money than the music and book industry combined, why we don't have any groupies? I mean we do, but they are all 12 year old boys, and that's just not what I had in mind.  So it's loud in this lobby, so I have to speak up. Once I'm done there is this one moment of complete silence in the bar area, the kind you get when something profound is about to be said.  My good friend, the gaming god, then says "Wouldn't it be great if we were all pedophiles?" in the clearest voice you can imagine. Everyone in a five mile radius heard it.  If that isn't a lowbrow moment I don't know what is.  
  This was before 9-11, I can only imagine the results now.  My asshole stepdad was leaving on an overseas flight the next day.  I called airport security from a payphone and said "Yes, hello, my names is Dr. Carol Brenner and I am rather concerned about one of my patients.  He is suicidal and perhaps even homicidal and he plans to hurl himself out of the plane over the Atlantic and I am concerned for his safety and of course the other passengers..."  When dumb ass attemped to check in, he was surrounded by security and taken to be interrogated for a while.   He eventually conviced them it was a hoax and they said "Do you have any enemies?"  Him "Oh no." Them "Do you have any idea who could have done this?" The moron gave them a whole page of names. Haahaha.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I being female, took one look at the new detachable shower head I bought and thought "This could revolutionize the way I masterbate!"  
  we already had what we needed to make some kick ass margaritas.. but i thought a little longer and came up with an idea for a theme party..   we could wait a two weeks, since there was already a party this weekend.. plus, we could use this time to spread the word and stir up publicity..   we could buy ourselves a kiddie pool, some bags of sand, set it up in the garage, and call it a "Margaritas By The Beach" party..   of course, i knew it as just an excuse to have women over in their bathing suits..   
  I miss having an office... 'cause you can fart in an office.    Now I'm in a cubicle and I have to look both ways before I rip a really nasty one.  
  The fat people who used to live in this apartment before us used to sit naked on the rug and watch tv. A swinger's club sent them a letter, but we threw it away.  
  It was the first time she ever smoked the weed, and she kept saying she wasn't high and didn't understand what the big deal was, as she proceeded to completely empty the refrigerator.  
  As I sat and watched the two girls massage each other, the laughter and shrieks of enjoyment, their long hair plastered sweatily upon their orgasmic filled faces, I came to one conclusion....   "I hate being bald."  
  I was still working in the Jaguar shop on Lawn Gisland, when a lady called up and asked if we could service her Fiat Dino. Being a complete gear-head, I jumped at the chance. Fiat Dinos are so rare that I'd only ever seen a picture of one. It wheeled into my bay. Gorgeous car, but nothing compared to the woman who got out. She was even a bit of a gear-head, so we chatted amiably while I worked. This was back in the days when I still got flustered around pretty women, so I started to show off: using a fancy torque wrench to tighten the valve covers, and so on. When done, I slammed the hood down with a satisfying thunk... ...'cept it didn't make a satisfying thunk. I'd left a wrench extension rod on one of the valve covers, and now it poked through the hood like a man with a hard-on in his pants. In fact, it looked  so  much like that that I started to giggle... She didn't. Did I mention how rare the car was? The custom Ferrari-red paint? Two weeks and $3000 later, she finally calmed down...  
  It's well known at my office all I do is reload the brow. My coworkers will ask, "How's lowbrow treatin you?" or "Is it a lowbrow afternoon?". I never deny it.   Yeah, it's gotten pretty bad. I can't pull myself away from lowbrow anymore. I have to send my assistant to get me soda and lunch.   
  Smokers -  If you're not truly addicted to nicotine then you just have no clue about the pleasures derived thereof.  A little trivia - smokers are driven in whatever they do and they make excellent employees. They are also usually addicted to caffeine - another driven bunch of people, excellent employees.  Smokers/coffee drinkers make the best employees and are probably your attorneys, accountants, etc. doing a good job for you.  They are also usually healthy and thin.   Sorry, but that's the reality.  
  When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone," he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the right."  "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in the wrong joke."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I think we should break up" she said. "This isn't working out for me".  I licked my lips before I spoke and tasted her on them. Tasted her juice on them. Im getting dumped within 4 minutes of performing cunnilingus with no reciprocation.   Am I not worth some appreciation?  The shit I do for you which you take for granted, which you see as a given.   Im worth more than this, Im worth more than you, I can find someone else, someone to appreciate me, fucking love me, not threaten me with breaking up every few weeks to keep me from feeling secure or comfortable, so you keep your power, keep your overhand... well Fuck You! FUCK YOU you bitch, get the fuck out of my house and the fuck out of my life.  I licked my lips and spoke to her.  And I begged her to stay.  
  My girlfriend had this dream that she'd been hired by some author to do the casting for the movie version of this book she's reading right now. "These Hollywood freaks will ruin my vision," he told her in the dream. So she said yes, and went to this casting party, where Selma Hayek slept with me (in her dream, remember) in an attempt to land a role in it. This really pissed off her beau (my g/f keeps track of which stars are dating who, I don't know how), and so she ended up trying to comfort him by sucking his cock and giving him a part in the movie. She explained all of this to me over coffee the next morning, called me a bastard for putting in her that awkward a position, and explaining that Selma was simply too tan for the part she wanted. That night, I dreamt that I was trying to explain to Selma that she just needed to do me a couple more times and the part was hers. Selma wasn't buying it. Why am I getting more action in HER dreams?  
  people in the northwest really like lowbrow  it is, incidentally, what your eyebrows do when your face gets rained on  
  I figured applying a solution of lidocaine might reduce the "sensation" and result in a really world class wildman hump for my dearest one.  Having carefully swabbed the crucial area with a 10% solution (careful home chemists out there) and waiting 5 minutes I thought I'd test the effect.  I got a hypodermic needle and gently prodded the end of my cock.  Hmmm nothing.  A little more..  holy fuck those bastards are sharp!!  There was no sensation but I was now emitting a thin jet of blood from my punctured glans.  It was almost funny.  I thought... if I'd filmed that shit there was probably a whole population of sick fuckers who'd pay to watch it.  
  i used to work in a bank.  we had 2 cameras in the front corners, with small red lights that flashed on about every 10 seconds  ont he first day of each month, the manager had me climb a ladder and switch the tapes, all thses "cameras" did was flash that light, and hold the video tape.  they were hallowed out cameras  i participated in that charade for almost 2 years.  in that 22 months we were robbed 3 times    
  The fucking white trash that lives behind me has a swimming "pool". Years ago it was quite nice. Then it went into disrepair. Then these new fuckers moved in and spent one summer cleaning it and fixing it.  Shitheads used it for about 1 month and the pump broke or some shit. Turned back into a goddamn swamp, even had frogs.  Spent the next summer fixing and cleaning it. Used it for about a month. Then let the weeds and grass grow about 3 feet tall, add 1 large dog, and a bunch of trash.  Here we are in the spring, the mosquitoes are flourishing and the frogs are chirping.....  I threw a couple of those toilet bowl tabs with bleach into the cesspool. I haven't heard anymore frogs, but the water still looks green.  I thinking about throwing a bottle of bleach over there.....  
  I first time I ever felt old was when my five-year-old asked "How the hell did you make popcorn if you didn't have a microwave?"  It wasn't because he was wondering how we made popcorn when I was his age that made me feel old; it was because I would have NEVER been allowed to say 'hell' to my parents.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my friend is getting married next fall to another old-school friend.  they hired the shriner guys to drive thier little cars around at the reception.  he also asked that everyone who is in the wedding (i included) if they would be willing to grow an authentic mullet for his special occasion... not one of us hesitated before commiting.  my bald, 22 year-old friend already has a pretty good danny devito-esque mullet going.  mine sucks.  
  Driving home in a light snowstorm, I'm only 100 yards away from my house as I approach the last intersection.  I have the right-of-way, but I'm starting to slow anyway to turn into my driveway.  I can almost fortell that the car waiting at the intersection will decide I'm going to turn there, and will pull out in front of me, but when it happens, there's no room to stop.  My 6,000 lb VW camper almost rips the Toyota in half.  I check myself -- just some seat-belt bruises and a bloody nose -- and get out to help.  Walking quickly towards the Toyota, I suddenly get tackled from behind and tumble onto the ice. That hurts.  Guy in the car behind the Toyota decided I'm out for revenge, so he put a fifteen-yard clip on me.  Me: "No, no -- look."  The driver door has blood all over the window. We rip it open. She's awake but concussed. We leave her in her seatbelt, bundle her in blankets, turn her heat way up, and take turns sitting with her until the ambulance gets there.  A month later, at the hearing, my only witness is the guy who tackled me.  But he's also the judge :-)  
  So the story goes:  In prison, to know which guys are the bitches, they wore their pants down around their asses. Now, a guy who's been in the slammer for 5-10 years gets used to wearing his pants like that. So when the guy gets out, he wears his pants around his ass out of habit.   Now, all the young impressionable youths see this "hard" guy just out of jail with his pants around his ass, start to emulate him, because they want to perceived as hard too. Hence, it becomes fashionable to wear your pants around your ass in urban areas.   This is the story I tell the large Hispanic man who is wearing his pants around his ass, who just minutes before was ragging on my friend's fashion choices, while we were riding on the subway.  Sometimes I'm so fucking stupid it kills me.   
  i saw a dude on the road once who had dueling calvin piss stickers.  the one where calvin from calvin and hobbes is pissing on either a ford or chevy logo.  this guy had each one on the opposite sides of his back window, battling for first place.  one was pissing on the ford logo, and one was pissing on the chevy logo.  he drove a dodge truck that was about 10 feet off of the ground.  he was speeding.    
  haven't done it for 10 years, but some days (nights actually) i really miss all the lovely speedy powders available for recreational use.   turns out the easiest way to stay legal is to remember all the weasely little fuckers you have to deal with to find your drug of choice.     
  you ever been in the shower with your significant other and peed on them with out their knowlage?  ........ahhh yes it's the little things in life that keep us going  
  So, there I was: 15 years old and stoned out of my gourd. I thought that the cat might enjoy the taste of Coke if she would only try it. I poured some in her water dish and tried to get her to drink it. She refused, and for the next hour, she looked at me with a vaguely disgusted, vindictive look on her face. How dare she look at me in that tone of voice!  
  the line between somebody you know and a real friend is that you can substitue 'motherfucker' for their name in a sentance and  not  run the risk of a burst nose...  
  I sell cancer partime at a tobaco shop for four reasons. 1. The owner is the best person I have ever worked for. 2. I can tell customers to go fuck themselfs when their mean. 3. I get to card all the girls and find out how old they are. It still blows my mind that someone born in 1984 is legal to fuck.  
  GRR.  Whenever I see a post that uses GRR as a sentence, I always wonder if that person interjects their sentences with that when their speaking.  GRR.  
  I read somewhere that dreams were nature's way of allowing humans to go completely insane without harming themselves or anyone else; that dreams really don't have any special meaning.  Good thing I read that information some time ago. In the dream I had last night, I killed someone I care deeply about and then laughed joyfully.  
  a friend got invited over to a co-workers to watch pay-per-view wrestling; they guy said he could bring friends if we each brought something. so i brought pretzels & a porn mag.  
  I didn't think I had been that drunk, but that long path of purple-wine-colored vomit stretching from my room to the bathroom kind of changed my mind the next morning.  
  One time in a sporting good store my Uncle Bill was browsing the rifle/shotgun section of the store. I was 10 at the time so I was amused just watching him look at these big pieces of metal with such admiration.  Uncle Bill is soon approached by a man wanting to know more about a few perticular rifles. My Uncle being the incredibly funny and outgoing and worldly man he is proceeds to sell this man not only one, but two rifles.   Back then the guns weren't locked up in a case like they are now. You could just walk up and grab a gun. That's what they did.  The man walked up to the register pleased as punch. My Uncle Bill thought nothing of it. I thought it was funny as shit.  Kinda lowbrow/juvenile that my Uncle pretended to be a gun salesman for the thrill of getting caught.  
  friday:  big newbiz meeting for self-started consultancy at 4pm.    8am  shit, shower, shave   12:20 pm place grateful dead 'wheel and roses' sticker on my 2000 beemer. just 'cuz.  12:25 pm make my way into the city for haircut to look sharp.  1:15 pm haircut in castro   2:30 pm  time to kill. aim beemer towards the haight to walk around.  3:00 pm spy parking spot across haight, pull u-turn to snag.  3:02 pm officer notso friendly: "no u-turns.. license registration..."  3:05 pm officer notso friendly: "we're sorry, your out of state license doesn't count in california since you live here."  3:06 pm i'm sorry officer.  won't happen again.  3:07 pm officer notso friendly: "got bad news.  we need to take your car from you now since you don't have a license."  3:09 note that florida DL says "safe driver" and doesn't expire for another year.  3:10 pm burn, sweat, bum, curse, call to cancel meeting.  3:15 pm 2000 beemer on haight with new dead sticker gets confiscated by cops.  3:30 pm sans beemer, full of anger and two citations in hand, i go to hertz to rent a car.  4:40 pm drive out of hertz lot with car.  out of state license works fine.  weekend: drive hertz maxima to saturday DMV south of the city and score 100% on written exam after waiting an hour with the masses.  turned out i had a copy of the same test from when my girlfriend get her license a month prior.  fast forward >>>  monday morning: hall of justice  9:00 am SFPD: "release fee" $150 *CASH* city tow: $245 dollars  10:30 am return hertz: $150 dollars  11:00 am pick up car at pier 70 lot  11:15 am  2000 beemer was dented, scratched and fucked up city tow  11:20  seethe  11:30  drive away with damage claim form and a call into my lawyer.   SFPD is a scam.  -whey  
  So I'm horny as hell; burning desire between my thighs as I plan how I'm going to seduce my boyfriend with godess-like grace and power.  I leave work, glide into his flat unannounced, and mischieviously walk him backwards to his room without a word.  He is gleafully surprised and Mesmerised by his luck, murmering "I am the luckiest guy in the world..."  Thinking he will be immidiately ready to go - with such fervour written across his face - I slide his pants down and he is limp.  I'm thinking, oh god, he just smoked a fat one.  A few minutes later he chuckles to himself, and admits:  "I masturbated just before you walked through the door"        
  off season sucks. i fucking hate it, no snow, just snowboards to stare longingly at.  weve got a few beater boards that we pulled outta a dumpster that we always dick around with.  weve got one with skateboard trucks attached to the bottom, so you can ride it  one day we got the idea to tow it behind one of our cars so it could be like riding, and we would do it up some big steep hill in my friends nieghborhood so if we had to stop, the person being towed wasnt smashed into the rear of the car. we would only go like 10 mph.  well, we had already done a few time and we were gearin up for me to go, when some bitch rolls up "if you do that im calling the cops so fast!" she yells at me.   "im gonna go home and get my husband and he will come down and give you a ticket and take your car!"  and she keeps goin. im sittin there thinkin, someone musta had a rough day at the fuckin office. jesus, people these days, gotta stop drivin there car and start screamin at people who arent hurtin em.  fuckin doosh bag  
  I have a problem.  Everytime I see a camera lying around, I steal it, walk to the nearest secluded area, and take a picture of my ass/nuts/cock.  Then I sneak the camera back and leave it where I found it.  
  Sleeping on a bench at chicago ohare with my head at a 90 degree angle and freezing my ass off, an angel appeared before me. She was dressed in a cleaners uniform and spoke beautiful spanish. She held a blanket and pointed at the benches with no armrests. My life improved 100% at that moment.  
  Making a comment in a gas station about why I wouldn't wear black and white wingtips shoes because they'd make me look like a gangster and a dork...only to find out that the guy behind me was wearing those exact shoes.        
  So we're watching the original Crow movie, talking about how it shouldn't be this cheesy. "No, see, right now, we don't know, so it's perfectly acceptable to have this soft violin music as a little girl puts flowers on the graves of the only ones who ever loved her. "It's when he comes back from beyond the grave to wreak unholy vengeance upon the unrighteous that we need to move out of the I-did-it-all-for-love motif."  And they responded, "So you're saying he shouldn't get the girl?"  And laughed at me.  
  A relationship that started as a one night stand was starting to get serious.  We had great chemistry, and he was a great guy in and out of bed (once we actually got OUT of the bedroom).  I think I blew it when I came straight from another one night stand to his house and we had morning-woody sex.  The truly lowbrow thing though, is that I'm not really sure why he was so shocked.  I guess you can't turn a ho into a housewife.  
  The time; 8:00 pm The day; Thursday The place; Popular corner bar in philly Mission; to get as drunk as humanly possible within the 3 hour free drink period. Result; apparent success...  It was penny drink night, so naturally I had more than enough change in my pockets to suffice.  As i returned home, crawling to my door nonetheless, i proceeded to empty the contents of my clothes onto my bed. This was my wallet, smokes, lighter, and of course, the change.  Upon waking up for work on that friday morning, i realized things weren't going to be good. I managed to fall asleep on the way to work, thank god i carpooled that week.  I was so hung over and it was getting close to lunch that friday, so i took an early smoke break.  Now, how you ever noticed, or been told that when you wear cheap jewelery, it turns your skin green.  Well, it wasn't until that 11:30 smoke break that i found a penny still stuck to my left calf. I guess i shouldn't have emptied that change on my bed where i passed out.  Needless to say, i spent the next half hour in the bathroom trying to scrub that damn green lincoln off my leg. God knows how many people noticed and never told me...Bastards....   
  My father's cousin called.  Apparently his name has changed from "Chuck" to "Gina".  Other things have changed as well - the website he directed us to proves it.  I don't know which shocked me more, this revelation or the one last year when he became Hasidic.  I wonder how "Gina" goes over with the Rabbi?  
  Now the klutz has broken Kvetch. Been trying to get on for two days so I could hassle her and the damn site is down.  No biggie. I've got plenty of other things that I need to do but I imagine she's going stark raving mad and climbing the walls.  Ooh look, what's that in the corner on the ceiling? Looks like some kind of weird, yeller, flying bug.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't you hate it when you're sitting on the throne and your pee-pee dangles into the water?  
   My roommate was watching the Food Network.    "Pasteurization was named after some French guy!" she said. "Who'd have known that?"    She's 27 years old.    She's a college graduate.    My friend said, "You should have told her, 'Yeah: Dr. Louis Ization.'"   
  Do Canadians know the term ghetto?  Is there a need for it in Canada?  Do they have OG's and gangstas and homies and all that?  If so, what would their slang sound like?  Just the thought of someone saying "Ay-yo!  I'mmaboot to flash on this poser, eh?" sends me in to convulsions of giggles.  
  after a night of heavy drinking and smoking weed i vomit and go to bed.   i wake up the next morning to meet my friend for brunch. i toss on a sweatshirt over my pjs.   i notice a weird smell that keeps following us around. i start to sniff myself.   i look down lo and behold a huge bright pink vomit stain on my sweatshirt.   moral of the story: make sure that when you vomit on your clothing the previous night. toss it in the hamper to prevent wearing it the next morning...  
   Me and Timmy driving in west Jersey at 2 am just for kicks, summer after senior year. He goes to turn into a big parking lot, looking for another road. "Tim, you've just turned into a marijuana cigarette". I don't know why he's laughing, then it hits me. Damn Sublime song, damn exhaust fumes.         
   Today this girl at work started hitting on me .  No, I mean really *hitting* on me.   It hurt.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Living in rural NC, you experience really odd stuff.  A local here has a few horse he keeps in his front yard. Instead of having the standard fence, he tries to keep them corrraled (sp?) with chicken wire.  They escape on a weekly basis.  When the moon is full, and the sky is clear, we used to ride around at night with no headlights. I know, stupid thing to do now.  One night we were doing about 85 down this straight-away in our buddy's 84 Chevy Suburban. We see movement in the road ahead, and turn on the headlights.  There are the horses, standing in the middle of the road, about 6 of them, and they start running from us.  That 4200 pound suburban spent the next 15 seconds sliding erraticaly down the middle of the road, with all 6 of us screaming at the top of our lungs.  Once the smoke stopped, skidding became quiet, and the truck became still, I opened my eyes to see that we had narrowly missed all the horses. In fact, we managed to slide right between all of them.  All of a sudden, a large "thump" came from the rear of the truck. I look in the rearview to see the horses running towards us, out of confusion of course.  Apparrently one of them ran into the back of the truck. He got back up and ran off into the woods.  Dumb horse.  
  There's nothing worse than a q-tip in your penis.  - tetragrammaton@erols.com  ============================= Oh, I think there is.  Try inserting a two inch long piece of plastic, tapered at the end, in there because the doctor told you to after your surgery to correct a urethral stricture.  You have to keep the incision he made from closing up in order for the surgery to be successful so three times a day for about 2 months you have to inflict this upon yourself.  Ever have to do that?  Sure it hurt like Hell, and the blood, ...oh the humanity.  And then there's having to piss through an open wound, that sucks beyond words.  That shit will make a man out of anyone, but the road enroute will be filled with little girly tears. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.(No pun intended.)  
  My apartment is a few blocks away from the elevated N train, which runs the length of 31st Street. The pigeons hang out in the eaves. You can park on 31st Street but the pigeons nail the cars with poop really badly. One man, who owns a beat-up van, engineered a way to see out his previously pooped-on windshield; he places a slab of cardboard over it. The rest of the van is covered in poop but the windshield stays relatively clean.  
   the magnetic attraction of telepoles  im sweating like a ho in church and the adrenaline is ripping through me gripping the steering wheel the tire is flat and im about to slam into a pole because ive lost control of the speeding chevy s ten i wake up huffing and puffing thinking ive got collision might be a way to get a new truck       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Cookbook Placeholders  I really  do  like to read cookbooks for entertainment, but they also function as a very effective way to start a conversation with a woman in a bar. Perhaps I should patent the idea. Anyway, I'm reading my cookbook, which is full of placeholders for recipes that I might fancy. She sits down, and in no time at all we're chatting happily away about food and cooking. She's just awful cute, and smart, and all ten of her fingers are bare. She asks what I do for a living, and I time-shift only slightly and tell her that I'm a high-class software engineer. She likes that, and the conversation gets warmer. She asks what I'm going to cook tonight. I answer that I'm thinking about a couple of things. I feel for one of the placeholders, and show her the recipe. She looks impressed by my ability. This is starting to look very good indeed. But then she suddenly looks wary. I slowly realize that the placeholders I'm using are all recently-dated unemployment benefit envelopes...  
  We are a polyamorous couple who have, in the past, lived with a girlfriend for years at a time.  Recently, we pursued Nina for eight months, but something just didn't seem...quite right.  The last time we talked to her, she called us on her cel phone from a bar. She was Dialing While Drunk, and was with her "ex"-boyfriend. She wanted to know if she could borrow one of our Andrew Blake porn DVDs.  As I said, something was not quite right.  
  paintballing under the bridge, we have resorted to standard duel format. two people stand back to back and walk away from each other when the command is given. when the moderator says "turn" they are each free to take ONE shot. any more results in the right of the rest of the group to fire upon you at will from the sloped concrete from which we watched. mikes gun double loaded, and upon firing, two balls were ejected, both going in crazy directions. there is a slight pause as everyone picks up their gun and hesitates, wondering if the immenent pommeling is really warranted. as he looks to the spectators in hopes of mercy, none other than his own brother stands and decides this poor guys fate: "he shot two; FUCK HIM UP!!!" mikes flailing body then proceeded to turn pink, splatter by painful splatter.  
  A tip - never tell a haggard, wart-ridden cafeteria lady that you "will not eat her government cheese!"  You might not have to eat it, but you will have to take a shower to get that shit out of your hair.  
   There's this secluded spot in Philly, near a sanitation plant, where a bunch of angry midgets built a colony of little shacks they live in so as to avoid us Normals.   It's all surrounded by cyclone fence and sheetmetal, with a main gate that has a doorbell placed suspiciously high.   If they catch you out there, they'll start to throw rocks and chunks of cement and just generally attempt to kill you.  
  Today, for no reason at all, I had a sudden flashback to my childhood, where I always used to play with the girl who lived next door to my aunt, who as approximately my age.   I can't believe I never got this before.  Her name was Amanda Mary Cah. She used to complain about how she hated that name and I never understood why. I feel like a moron, even though I WAS 5. If you don't get it, just look at it and think about it for a second.  
  I had been eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups all day. I had a bag in my office and I was making myself sick.  "Get these out of my office before I puke!" I yelled as I tossed them through my door, landing in the middle of three female consultants who were working in our office.  I no longer have to figure what to do with my weekend.        
  One more stop and I can get out of my seat, the one seat were I have been crunched between some fat guy and the bus window. He does this every day, the only time I have a chance to actually enjoy my ride is going back home. I get out, look around and I see the same stores, same overflowing trash cans, same homeless person begging me for money, same spanish music blasting out of a speakers from a cheap store. Fuck, nothing changes, I realized just how small LA is starting to get for me, nothing changes here or maybe..just maybe i'm afraid to change.  
  Spent the weekend at my "successful" sister's house, mainly listening to her husband brag about everything ever accomplished. So when he asked me to come out and help him decide what kind of snake had drowned in his pool, rather than tell him the truth, that it's a harmless garter snake, I convinced him it was a super-poisonous pit viper and that he needed to drain and clean the pool immediately... right after he buries the snake at least four feet deep.  That kept him out of my face until I left.  
  they stuffed Ho-Ho's into his shoe while he was out.   he came in and put on his shoes. we laughed hysterically.  we've been calling him 'Ho-Ho Toes' ever since.  
  From another posting:  A day later, me on the phone: "I'm really looking forward to taking you somewhere where I can hear you without you spitting in my ear."  Oh, you Ol' silver-tongued devil, you.  So I was lying about calling her already, but I fully intended to. 'Cept with the band playing loud, and with me bending down (she's truly tiny! 4'7", dark, and fascinating!) and her spitting in my ear trying to be heard, I not only got her phone # wrong, and the school she teaches at, but also her first and last names. Thank goodness for the Internet, and a Computer Science degree. Fifteen minutes of online work later, I have her real name. I look in the 'phone book and find her, but the address is out of date. I call the number anyway, figuring she took it with her when she moved. But I get some midwest family who just moved here. They're mystified and somewhat startled by me. I go back online, no use. Why is this so difficult! Tomorrow morning, I'm actually going to pick up a 'phone and call directory services -- how very 20th Century...   
  the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had?  looking up porn on the lap of my then boyfriend.  and no, i don't find porn the equivalent of a candle lit dinner and roses.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Have you noticed that most of the buyers of GI Joe action figures are men aged 30-40 (who were kids when GI Joe orginated in the 60s)?       
  I went into one of the stalls in the bathroom at work, and the whole seat was missing. All i could think was "wow, and all this time, I've just been stealing toilet paper"  
  I'm deeply in love with him; but it didn't keep me from eating the last corndog in the fridge that night.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last two headlines of the Portland Press Herald based out of Maine.  "136 Deaths This Year By Drug Overdose"  "Maine May Ease Up On Educational Goals"  Is there a connection?  Probably not.  Fucking Maine.  
  I started a new job. In the bathroom(door is marked "Conference Room") there hangs the following sign over the urinal.  "Shithouse Courtesy  If you take such a hefty dump that it blocks the commode, get the goddamn plunger and unclog it!  We don't have janitors here to clean up YOUR shit.  If you piss in the urinal, FLUSH IT when you are done.  Don't leave it in there to ferment into piss wine.  IT STINKS!"    
  We were cruising up to DC for the peace ralley, when somewhere in NC, some dudes in a panel van mooned us. I was in the front seat, and since this is my job on car trips, ordered the driver to pull up even with them. I flashed the shit out of those redneck motherfuckers. The driver of the panel van looked over, did a double take, and started poking the guy in the passanger seat. I dropped my shirt. Both guys looked back over. "Please?" they mouthed. I flashed them again.  ~puck~  
  When you are such a lazy disgusting shit, that your dishes get so nasty that you have to run some hot water just to try to kill the smell. Then that doesn't help so you run the garbage disposal and wow it REEKS. So you put in one of those disposal cleaner packets and run it through the disposal and it comes up the other side of the sink which is filled with what can be best described as scum. The stench is just rotten, and you flinch away from it but you just can't get away, and you must continue.   Before the dishes can be stacked for washing, so badly smelling they are, they have to be rinsed with hot water just to knock some of the new lifeforms and scum that are growing on them off, and to combat the horrible stench.   Then the sink must be meticulously scrubbed because it too is contaminated with this scum and the god awful stench.   Next, the entire counter must be cleaned off to make room...this is going to take a while.  All just because I'm too fucking lazy to do the dishes before they become 'science projects'.   My lowbrow of the day...  
  He gently ran his hands over the back of her satin dress, while her arms and hands loosely surrounded his torso, and they danced, swaying in the moonlight to the soft bossa nova of Jobim. He led the dance, although he wouldn't have minded if she had taken some initiative or if she had, at least, brought something of her own spirit to the ritual, but she contributed nothing. He gave up in frustration,  replaced the mannequin to its origin, and sat down in a porch chair to sip his champaigne in despair. It seems that his fantasy parallels reality more closely than he would have liked.   
  You know your day is looking good when you have enough time to masturbate before going to work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were all sitting around, introducing ourselves to the new folks, getting re-acquainted with the old ones, and the question was asked, "what are 3 things you can't live without?" "uhm, shampoo, good reading material, aaaaaand...let's say, my boyfriends enormous cock." dead silence fills the room. oops. once again, my attempt to fill the conversation with ribald humor has merely left me looking like a pervert. my impulse to announce this bit of information was discussed in much detail... needless to say, everyone there now free-associates my name with the word (concept of) cock. i have a feeling this is going to create a whole wealth of problems for them all, somewhere down the road.  
  Pay Gentle Lazy Losers For The Service They Provide.  Slothlike citizens rule. The government should *pay* people like me, who just want to stay in bed all day, eat cold cereal, and watch TV.  We require very little, cause no trouble, and don't complicate the lives of people who want a so called life. I'd think just our staying the out of the way all of the time instead of only some of the time would be worth something. Society's acchievers wouldn't have to work around dead weight employees (the boss's lazy, clueless brother in law, for example) who would rather be in bed. The acchievers would get a plowed road, the losers would be happy-- talk about a win-win situation.         
  If his favorite book is "Atlas Shrugged", don't touch him. No matter what. ~puck~  
  Senior Soccer Moment  Playing against a rival team.  They're jackasses who can't play without playing cheap.  Their coach isn't much better, whining over every little thing while their players literally hip-toss us around the field.  Our goalie tells their coach to shut up. He whines to the referee.  "Did you hear that? He can't do that! He can't say that! I won't have him telling me to shut up! He can't tell me to shut up!"  Ref shrugs.  Friend Zach, waiting on the sideline, mutters in a low enough voice for half the crowd to hear: "Somebody should."  Clapping and cheering.  Our coach tells him to sit down.  Go Zach.  
  It's common practice in our neighborhood for people to set their shoes outside the front door when they enter.  So last night my little tube of superglue and I made the rounds.  
  a few years back, a friend of mine was walking trough a field behind a mall. He hadn't slept the night before, and, feeling tired, decide to take a nap in the field.   ..only to be waked up, a few hours later, by two cops. He sat and asked:  "Uh, hi. I was asleep"  The cops:  "Someone called to say they saw a cadaver behing the mall."  My friend:  "I'm not dead. can i borrow your pen?"  He kept the pen to this very day.  
               *** JOE BARBIS ***  I honestly think, that I might actually coat myself in honey, roll around in feathers, and stand on the side of Hwy 97 with a sign that said   'free liter of coke with the purchase of 8 pc full meal deal!'   if I thought it would actually catch your attention..or get me somewhere with you.  
  saw this on a public toilet wall.   " but is it cheese ? "  reply:  "when cum has hardened it can be grated "    
  i think that sandal companies are trying to take over the world. they have brainwashed almost every kid in our school to wear sandals. only a few of us holdouts still remember what shoes are.  
  My stomach was vioently sick , I was feeling very depressed and I called in sick for work.  While taking a shower later that day,  I had to take a massive diarrea power dump.  I debated climbing out and using the commode, but was feeling too low in spirits to bother, so I crapped in the shower.  While watching the liquid shit funnel down the drain, I thought to myself, "This is a new low."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Making lists to prepare to go back to my parents' place for a visit: 1. list of things to remember to bring 2. list of imaginary friends I've made here 3. list of imaginary social events I've attended here 4. imaginary chronology of what I spend my free time doing here 5. list of things I do in my imaginary job 6. dirty words to teach my nieces and nephews  Yeah, it would be easier to just say Look, I hate this place and I'm unemployed and everyone I meet is too much of a fucking loser to make friends with and the "social" events here consist of clubbing with natives who hate "my kind" and ukuele tournaments, and I spend most of my time drinking and lowbrowing and pranking my neighborhood.  But I plan to hit them up for money, so plan A is probably going to be more profitable.  
    Last night I was in the drive thru for tace bell, when all i heard was honking from behind.  I guess a bunch of "Go go boot wearin, mini skirt sporting, shiney shirt, bleached hair" high school chicks were drunk.  They sang outloud to crappy dance party music, pretended (or at least i think it was pretend) to make out, and one of them peed in the bushes.  Hmmmm...I wonder why the guy I was with said he didnt like those kinda girls, yet he couldnt take his eyes of our rear view mirror.       
   Meeting Ithaca Women Through Personal Ads #8  She didn't quite fit the description I'd given, given that she was a little roly-poly  and  fifteen years older than me.  But I can enjoy almost anyone's company for a couple of hours, and she was fascinating -- a Chilean poet and English professor.  Did I mention my strict rule about not putting out on a first date?  Next morning, after she kissed me and left, I thought back over this particular Mastercard Moment:  Lunch: $18  Art Gallery fee: $12  Dinner at L'Auberge de Cochon Rouge: $200  Room at the adjoining country Inn: $190  Drunken fucking all night with someone reminiscent of my mother: Oops...  
  This guy wanted to have sex again.  So he asked me if he was the last person I slept with, which had been at LEAST a month ago.  I told him yes of course...cough cough.  He asked me how many condoms I had.  So I told him I had at least two left. He said "the last time we fucked, you said you just bought a new pack...so wouldn't you have 11 left?"  Whoops.  I had forgot I told him that.  So I said "Um yes,  that's what I meant."  (Great lie eh?) So he comes over and I'm all worried that he's going to count how many are left, which by the way...there were only two left.  And here's the ironic part...we fuck, he doesn't use a condom at all, instead he pulls out.  So the next day I get nervous I'm pregnant and have to go get the morning after pill.  50 fucking bucks I'll never see again.  Thanks a lot you jealous asshole.  
  Question to be an officer in the armed forces:  Have you ever been an officer or a member or made a contribution to an organization dedicated to the violent overthrow of the United States Government and which engages in illegal activities to that end, knowing that the organization engages in  such activities with the specific intent to further such activities  Guy 1: my answer is no by the way  Guy 2: I wonder what would happen if you said "yes".  could you just play it off as peer pressure?  experimentation?  
  My girlfriend was over and she asked me to get her a glass of water. I shut the door to my bedroom and started walking to the kitchen when I noticed a half-empty bottle of water sitting on the floor of the hallway. Who knows where the hell it came from or who drank half of it. So I picked it up and stood around for a bit, then walked two steps back into my room and gave it to her.   
  Last year, a buddy of mine got a kitten (I don't know where from--probably a neighborhood "free kitten"). Two days later it went into a coma. $2500 worth of surgery later, the cat dies anyway. They "owned" the cat for less than a week total. It didn't even have a name.  So now our big thing to hassle him about goes something like this:  "So you could have a Caribbean cruise or a dead cat."  "So you could have a new deck, complete with grille, or a dead cat."  "You could see "Lord of the Rings" 300 times or have a dead cat."  Hours of pure fun, I tell you.  
  driving back from the beach on the secondary country highways, the sprite i'm drinking is a little too bubbly.  i let out a decent belch, maybe a 6 or 7 on the 10 point scale.  realizing quickly that my girlfriend is in the car, i turn towards her to apoligise, but before the first words come out of my mouth, she lets out the loudest and longest belch i've heard from a female, ever: it would have ranked as a solid 9 to anyone.  she turns to me demurely and smiles.  i'm in love.  
  Actually, fish & finger pie in the equivolent of third base-- getting fingered. Either Scotsmen are more forward than their American counterparts or they can't count.  
  big girl orders one of each on the menu, fairly attractive guy sitting with her, baby doll gets up to use the ladies room... cute guy turns to amused viewers: "don't EVER work for an escort service" he warns... right...  
  I once watched someone get dumped at Taco Bell.  He cried. She left. I ate my nachos.   
  fucking friday night sucks. not a goddamned thing to do. sitting at home smoking hash and drinking pabst blue ribbon again.  
  When I was twelve, I thought I had a good sense of timing, due to endless hours of playing Nintendo.  One day my cousin Mark and I stole four shopping carts from the local safeway and pushed them back to his hous, which had a long driveway which sloped upwards from the road. we then proceeded to push the carts down the hill, running behind them and then letting go, to see how closely we could miss the passing cars.   The first one we pushed hit smack dab in the middle of a white sports car. I don't remember the make. A man got out.  Boy, rich people get mad over the smallest of things.    
  I have a friend who used to be a lifeguard up North.  Whenever she was hung over and didn't want to work, she would shit in the pool.  If you shit in the pool apparently, the pool gets shut down for one day.  I just see her, squatting over the edge of the pool, holding her head and smiling wryly as the largest turd comes out of her ass and she hears the plop at the same time the cold, chlorinated water splashes her anus.  It's not the only disgusting thing she has done with her own feces.  It's not scat, but I would never do it.  
  not everyone from long island is jewish. being from the very crotch of long island (take a look and see if you can find my town), i feel i have the right to say that it's not LAWN GUYLAND. it's LawnG Island.    
  I'm not a stalker. I'm not a stalker. I'm not a stalker. I'm not a stalker.  I just can't stop thinking about her.  And how badly she hurt me. Bitch.  See?  I'm not a stalker.  Wish I could stop reading her horoscope though.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As a teenager I used to regularly take the bus to my mom's apartment in Alameda, and there was this guy I'd flirt with.  He was clearly a loser - about 30, wanna-be-rock-star with a day job, blazer and jeans and rocker hair.  Plus he was riding the bus, which was a loser thing to do.  But I was bored, there in the suburbs, and he was really pretty hot once you got past the style issues. One day I let him follow me home, and we fucked like animals in my mom's living room.  It was fun - I learned all sorts of new things - but when it was over I just wanted him out.  He feigned romantic intentions, felt bad that he couldn't give me his number because it turns out he was married. I felt sorry for his wife.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Having some of the best sex in my married life Friday night as my wife got on top, rediscovered her love for controlling the tempo, prolonging both of our pleasure, watching me plunge in and out of her for well over an hour until we collapsed into some absolutely wonderful orgasms.  Then going to the office early the next morning to catch up some paper work and taking a moment to jack off to internet porn.  D--  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The day is here.   we all sat,tied in a spellbound motion, to our computer screens. The weeks went by and we were without. Then, one night it happened. Lowbrow was back. and the world once again could          rejoice.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Working at wal-mart gives you the chance the see the very bottom of the gene pool....unfortuatly, you have to talk to them too. standing in front of the gun case in sporting goodsI see a guy at the automotive counter, than I see him look down at me, turn back to the automotive counter and nod, and than he walks down to me.  guy: "do you sell guns?" now mind you when he asks this he is standing in front of me, which means directly in front of him there are like 20 guns on display in a glass case.  me:"nope" the shrugs and walks away. ok so I should have stopede him, but i figured he was too dumb, or too blind to own a gun.  
  I grew up in a very small town.  I have a very large family.  I used to joke that I had a 50-50 chance of being related to anyone transferring into my high school.  Sophomore year.  A girl transfers in, having moved from half a continent away.  I wind up being one of her first friends there, and she hangs out with me until she finds a handful of people more her speed.  After that, I don't see her much, though we're still friendly if we run into each other.  Fast-forward to our junior or senior year.  Girl approaches me in the hall, clearly excited and glad to see me.  "Guess what!" she squeals.  "I just found out last night we're related!  We're cousins, sort of..."  and proceeds to related the story of how our familes, not actually related to one another, connect through a series of relatives we have in common.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting in a bar with him discussing the usual...  He: must be nice to be a woman and get drinks bought for you.  Me: I don't let guys buy me drinks. I don't want them to expect anything in payment.  He: we don't expect payment. Well, not really.  Me: oh really? Well then what do you expect?  He: (smiles) a chance.  I really, really liked that.  
  My sister was in my room using the computer.Then she walked into the bathroom.I wasn't trying to listen,but I could hear her taking a shit.You know the sounds the deep breaths,the splashing water.I couldn't help but get nasty mental images of my sister taking a dump.So this is just a tip for everybody:The next time you take a shit and there is sombody outside the door turn the faucet on or somthing,nobody wants to hear your nasty bodily functions.  
  I once dated a male prostitue for two weeks. He was an "erotic massage therapist," which comes down to giving blowjobs for a hundred dollars an hour.  I broke up with him when he brought me pink flowers and a teddy bear that bobbed its head and played Elvis songs.  
  I'm in army ROTC in college, we often have to stand at attention and gaze off into the world beyond the walls... Well, me, having been a long, crazy brian draining week, keep myself amused by pretending to see early cartoons of Itchy and Scratchy from the Simpsons projecting on to the wall... Bursting out laughing from my own imagination, I get all sorts of crazy stares as I fall over, passing out from a bloody nose I didn't notice. What's worse is that i had to go see the school's psychologist. Sheesh man, what can i say, the simpsons moved into my room just last week.  
  genuphobia: the fear of knees.        
  Got caught watching TNBC (teen comedies and dramas) on Saturday morning in our fitness center.  Denied picking the station; denied even knowing what the shows were about.  Yet I made no effort to change the station.  They probably think I have a problem.  
     Running a pirate FM radio station that reaches thousands was fun, it set the stage for great parties and hot chicks.  for 3 years, until the FCC showed up at my door threataning upto $100,000 and a year in jail for each offense.  What did each offense mean anyways? for each hour? each day? each year?  i dont know, but i sure am lucky they took the equipment and left me there with a promise not to do it again.  
  My friend and I talk openly about our bleeding crotches during lunch, in front of my boyfriend and brother. I think the lowbrow in that is that they still hang around us.  
  I walk into a bar.  People look at me.  I am afraid someone will come up and say, your name is Juju isn't it?  I hide in the back until I'm drunk or just don't give a shit.  I play pool against immature men in wife-beater shirts just so I can have the satisfaction of seeing them get whooped by a female.  I am sadistic?  Women piss me off.  I don't want to be there, I feel exposed, people touching me, "nice tattoos".  "Yeah, I know." I say as I walk away.  Don't touch me.  I let men buy me drinks, why?  It saves me money.  I can even get away with telling a guy to buy me a drink, why?  Because they think with their dicks.  "you are fucking gorgeous." they tell me. "yeah, I know" I say as I walk away.  Don't look at me. "Can I call you sometime?" They ask.  "Yeah, you can call me Not interested" I say as I walk away.  Get the fuck away from me.  But first I make them buy me a beer.  Idiots.          
  To forget about all the stupid shit i said and did while drunk last night, I think Im gonna drink tonight.  
  sorry i'm late, the shower massager wanted to cuddle after  
  1983 and I wasn t happy with my life or what I was doing. Knock on the door and I opened it to find unmentionable religiously fervored man. He commenced to tell me how he could save me with his religion. I said,  How dare you come to my home and try to tell me what I should or should not believe in." I slammed the door in his face. I heard from the other side of the door,  Have a nice day.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yea so there we were, she was 16, i was 19.  Wanted to have my way... I went to a movie.  Things went well, she was looking to lose her cherry.  we parked the car at a used car dealer ship (i was clever.) and got into the back seat... all of a sudden she screams... there's was a guy looking in the window...  he was all like "oh i am soooo sorry i live acrossed the road and i just got home, i've never seen this car here before and i liked it. I was looking for a price."  wanna know what's low brow? I sold it to him a week and a half later :)  
  so i find this new band.  they f*cking rule.  so i made my dad order me a t-shirt with them on it.  it's been nearly two weeks since we ordered the shirt, so it should be here.  i come home and see a big padded envelope that just got delivered today.  so i tear it open like a little kid at christmas.  the padding goes everywhere, so i have to clean that sh*t up.  after i clean it up i think "AH!  my shirt!  finally!"  so i pull out the package inside. it turns out to be a f*ucking sex toy cummerbund for my parents.  i shout out, unable to contain my horror.  then i taped that package back up, put it back on the couch, went to my room, and cried.  
  ate brownies last night, stayed up really late and was happily asleep at 5:30 in the afternoon when some asshole from work calls and asks me to take his 7pm shift.  i'm the last hope he's called everyone else.  yea right, lying cocksucker.  but i need money so ok.  better shower.  no hot water.  fuck.  it's pouring and cold outside.  i'll be off at 3am and i have an early class tomorrow.  college is the best years of your life.  
  So recently, my lizard was sick and i took him the vet to find out what the deal was.  Among other things, she told me that he shouldn't be eating crickets, which were what he was living off of at that point.  She explained to me how feeding an anole a diet of crickets is like feeding a human nothing but generic brand potato chips mixed with sewage.  (What's so wrong with that?  Anyway.)  She suggested that i provide him with (wingless) fruit flies instead, explaining that they're more like a balanced meal.  So i bought the little fucker these fruit flies, which were twenty bucks (including shipping; you can't buy them at the pet stores around here) for like a two month supply.  Surprise surprise, he fucking refuses to eat them.  After waiting a few days to see if he'd take to them, his pitifully protruding ribs forced me to return to crickets, which are two bucks for two dozen at the local pet store.  He gulps them up like he'd never eaten before in his life.  At first, i was pissed.  Then later, as i replaced an eight cents packet of ramen at the store for a six cents one earlier, i realized it's just more proof that pets take after their owners.   
  well there was this time that my friend was fucking the bartender at a chinese buffett restaurant and we went with his roommate for free drinks and food.  i was stupidly mixing my alcohol(good beer tequila rum etc).  it was free..  anyway we were at his house later and drunk beyond belief and the room was spinning.  i leaped up to get to the bathroom but i wasnt gonna make it.  so i started puking in my cupped hands to spare the carpet and i sprinted towards the bathroom.  i ran ramlike into the doorframe and bounced onto the floor.  i had opened a huge gash right on the top of my head.  finally i made a right horrorshow blood trail to the bathroom sink(why not the toilet i dunno) and proceded to throw up a multicolored chinese buffett gruel with a nice red blood sauce.  apparently my so called friends asked if i was ok and i said yeah semiconsciously and they proceded to leave to hook up with their respective ho or girlfriend.  i was left on the floor bleeding profusely from the deep 3 1/2 inch cut.  next thing i woke up hungover in the guest bedroom lying on a bloody vomit stained towel and proceded to clean up the bloody handprints on the wall and the puke all over the bathroom etc.  i somehow went to the hospital later that day despite the various throbbing pains and they said that it was far too late for stitches.  so i still have a large jagged scar on the top of my head that resembles a lost paleolithic fight with a rock-toting thug or maybe an abortive hacksaw lobotomy.  a little help from my friends please???  
  I have a buddy who is deep into Eastern Philosophy and all things ancient Chinese.  He got a tattoo, that says in ancient chinese "Wondering Traveler" but he found out, to his dismay, when in a chinese language class in college, that it means "fat tourist" in modern chinese.  We live in Pennsylvania and I don't think he'll be wearing a tanktop in china anytime soon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         exhale los angelesexhale los angeles and the reflection of the over head fluorescent light in my water beer ringsthe table smudged with a million prints mostly his own a gangling cough knowing rivers have run their courses knowing it is no longer spring or summer knowing what a man his age knows leaving nothing out hiding nothing either he leans back in his complaining chair nothing much to do but glance across the smoke filled room and exhale los angeles   10 1 90        
  my friend once told me to stop shooting heroin and to stop raping ferrets... needless to say hes not my friend anymore.   
  I finaly got one of those little red buttons that say's "I am Loved". By the time I actualy give it to someone the spring steel would rust and a tetnis shot might be needed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was considering whether to connect DSL in my new apartment, remembering that it had caused hours of amusement in the last place I lived.  But when I thought about the real reasons I wanted a high speed connection, I decided it wasn't worth it.  I've spent the $50/month on CDs and porn, and I've never been happier.  
  Walking home from highschool one day, my friend turns to me and asks me all serious like: "Eric, what's the real name for a woman's pussy".  I looked at him in disbelief.  We were freshmen, and he hadn't known the scientific name for a female's genitilia.  I guess he was absent that day we had sex ed in junior high.  So, he looks at me and says: "I know it's some forigen place."  I exclaimed, "Vagina!?!".  And, he said "Yeah...China!"  He was excited.  From that day forward I knew I wanted to be an educator of America's youth.  
  I sat in the office when she arrived, angry, ugly, and more than a bit pissed.  I tried to act as if I didn't know her as she cursed at the top of her lungs at the poor man who had nothing to do with the troubles of her day.   Then as she got up to leave, she looked at me and said "You fucking coming?"  The older woman behind the counter offered to loan me an extra bar of soap on my way out the door.  
  My sister had the habit of going off with her friends during family reunions back home and leaving her kids with my brother and me to watch since "all your friends are gone, right?"  She doesn't do it anymore since we taught the older kid all the dirtiest verses to Barnacle Bill The Sailor.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's very amusing to be woken up at 3:30 in the morning by your roomate saying, "Always double-flush when you drop the Cosby kids off at the pool." I smiled, despite the fact that he woke me up just to say that. What a bastard.  
  It was the end of our rooming together; I was moving in with my brother, and my friend was moving in with his squire (him being a knight in the SCA and all).   Over the three years we had loved together, only one kitchen chair had remained intact, the others collapsing for various reasons: being tipped over by drunk people one too many times, being rolled into the wall, etc.   You would think, that with that chair being such a survivor that it deserved to stay unmolested. But that was not its fate.  We drew a hideous demon face on the back of the ugly yellow vinyl, then dragged the hapless chair out of the house onto the dirt in the front yard.   "Die, Demon!" we shouted as we shot arrow after arrow into the chair back, the sand-encrusted rollers refusing to move, stuffing popping out the back. Then we set it on fire, then hacked it apart with an axe, then smashed it with a sledgehammer.  It was a lot of fun.   Almost as much fun as the time we took our grease-laden grill monkey work jeans out to the back fence and hung them over the wood. We lit them on fire, and watched as they burnt like candles for hours in the gently falling snow.  
  -A boy named Jeremy, who went to a concert. The next day at school he had his jacket all bundled up in a lumpy ball. He shoved it in my face, telling me to smell. I did. He pulled it back and there was a huge grin on his face. "You smell that?" he said. "It's cigarette smoke. People were smoking at the concert last night!"  
  In college we found one of those call girl papers and were reading the classifieds. Found this weird ad "Fat and funky. Be bold. Hold your nose."  we called it and laughed-- not sure what it meant.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once dated a guy because I thought he had a cool name. Ended up his mother got it from Gunsmoke. Oh the white trash shame of it all.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm multitasking at work right now.  I scanning the brow in one window & rating Danish chicks at Hotornot.de at the same time.  No wonder our economy sucks.  
  After playing with silly putty for a while, it starts to feel like warm shit.  After realizing this I wondered how I knew what warm shit feels like.  
  After pleading with my gf for about 2 weeks straight I finally got her to consent to anal sex.  I had it all planned out.  Go to the lake, get in the back seat, strip down, lube up, fuck away.  It was fail-proof, or so I thought.  I failed to forsee her shyness coming into play.  When we got to the stripping down, I failed to recall that she was so damned shy about her nakedness, and she just grabbed me and sat down on my dick HARD.  She jumped up immediately and yowled.  She started bawling and telling me she would NEVER do that again.    I still get a kick out of it to this day when I ask her if she wants to try again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I should have told him that I really don't consider any part of the body a swear word, and the only words I find offensive are racial slurs.  So I think I frightened my poor repressed Lutheran boyfriend when I told him I wanted to wrap my cunt around his cock and squeeeeze...  but I got a good "gulp!" out of him.  
  Read on a bathroom wall:   Any asshole can piss on the floor.    Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.  
  Canada's contribution to society... Canada Dry Ginger Ale.  Holy shit that stuff is good.  
  AT&T lady called me up and asked what my current long distance plan is Me:  I don't have one, i use calling cards Her:  you use calling cards all the time, wouldn't it be easier to get a plan Me:  No, i have a calling card for the first 2 weeks of school.  Then i'm too poor from buying beer to buy any more so i just don't call anyone anymore.  
  What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?  Pokemon  Nyuk Nyuk        
  who calls it bate anyhow attepting to say and typing in a frenzy i hit b instead of h and the chatroom lech thinks hes lined up for a handjob i would hate that hate hate you oversexed moron        
  One afternoon, I was picking up an internet blind date in the San Fernando Valley who turned out to be six feet tall and 250+ pounds. She invited me inside so we could chat and get to know each other before we went out. In a recreational context, she offered me two different prescription pills. Desperate for any distraction to help me retain my composure, I gobbled them down. Smoked a cigarette, blacked out, and woke up the next morning next to her in bed.  Hightailed it out of there before she woke up, and never looked back.   
  Family reunion time at my mom's. My incredibly proper sister is there, and since she brought the spawn with her, she and they get Mom's room. She spends the weekend demonstrating what a wonderful textbook mother she is, and loudly bewailing the fact that I was not, what a waste of being a woman, maybe I should see a therapist... etc. She left a couple hours before I did. I went into the room she'd been staying in and tucked my very realistic dildo under the mattress... knowing my mom's first action after everyone has left will be to strip the beds.  Happy birthday, sis!  
  my sister got this kitten. we had for a few months, and since my sister didnt like me the kitten didnt like me. no big deal right?  i wake up one cold fall morning and before i even get out of bed i reach into my sock drawer to pull out clean warm socks....my hand is instead greated by the unfamiliar, yet unmistakeable texture of cat crap.  nice wakeup call, huh?   i have new socks.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the movie theater, waiting around with 2 cokes & a popcorn for GF who is in washroom. Some how end up talking to cute female staff member, her namebadge has her name, and favourite movie (far more info than i need). She starts making fun of me (in a fun, flirting manner), stating that my 'friend' does not in fact exist, im just making it up, and im just going into the theater alone, but didnt want to look like a loser.  Then my gf shows up, and we walk in. --  I wish i had been making it up, she was cuter, and had less upper lip hair.   
  It was all going remarkably well.  WE had been together for 4 months, and he wasn't all that bad in the sack.  Then he came in my hair.  Needless to say, I'm single again.  You do not fuck with my hair (literally).  It's times like this I wish I had some disgusting sexual excretion that I could squirt when things like this happen.  
  About 5 years ago, we were at a party in a college town about 10 miles away. The place is jumping, and my friend Sara goes to the bathroom.     She comes back about 15 minutes later and says, "I went into the bathroom and took a shit, and the toilet wouldn't flush.   There was a line for the bathroom and I didn't know what to do.  So, I took toilet paper and wrapped it around both of my hands and I scooped the shit out of the toilet, then I threw it in the bath tub and shut the shower curtain."   A few hours later- the owner of the house is telling us that, "Someone SHIT in my bath tub!  I didn't know how to clean it up, so I just turned on the shower and let it run down the drain."    We all looked at him, including Sara- as if we were appaled that someone could be so sick.   
  I had a college roomate once named T. He was a basketball player and he was not much use beyond that capacity. Well one day, me and my other two roommates were sick of T's messes. So we pissed in his bottle of Stop and Shop Fruit Punch soda, he never new the difference. It didn't smell or look funny. We even watched as he drank the bottle, so it couldnm't have right well tasted too funny either. The next day, unbeknownst to us, he moved out. All he left was his portable television, a lamp, and the empty bottle of Stop and Shop Fruit Punch Toilet..err I mean Soda   
  i only got tested for stds so in the  hope that i could throw it back in his  face.  'hello, how are you, you gave  me chlamidia, bastard'.  sadly, i was  clear.    
   Mom, The Smuggler  My mom arrives back home at Prestwick, Scotland. The customs agent gets picky and opens all her bags. He pulls out a pair of her enormous old-style pantaloons that are wrapped around an extra bottle of whisky. Mom: "Oh! I forgot about that one!" Agent: "I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate this. You should feel lucky that I don't arrest you." Mom looks him in the eye: "Do you live in this town?" Agent: "Eh, yes." Mom: "So do I. Does your mom live in this town?" Agent, getting uncomfortable: "Eh, yes." Mom: "I probably know her. What would she think of you depriving an old widow of a little extra Christmas cheer?" The agent wraps her panties back around the bottle, stuffs it in her suitcase, and waves her along.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         regarding a girl's attraction to nice cars: i myself am a big fan of hot cars. when i pass by a souped up muscle car or a tactfully pimped out ride, and hear that aftermarket exhaust/ premium sound system, i can practically feel the horsepower right where it counts. a finely tuned machine is a huge turn on for me, and i admire those who find joy in working on their automobiles.i find cars fascinating, and wish i new how to replace headers and install turbochargers. i place having a nice car in the same category as being a physically attractive person. it will get my attention, perhaps spark my interest initially. but it is nothing i would put up with a bad (or no) personality for. and i would never turn a guy away if his car sucked. its nice to be seen with a hot guy or riding in a hot car (crotch rockets count here as well- damn i love speed!) but id take a guy with a good personality and an '89 mercury topaz any day. besides, when i get my own hot rod, i can give him rides- and maybe, if hes very lucky, let him drive once in a while.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was younger, my pops was a professional skydiver, and always had a cessna or some other single engine plane. once, when i was a teenager, i had a huge fucking zit on my forehead. the higher up we got, the less air pressure there was, of course. at 15,000 feet the fucker burst and splattered the windshield. it feels really fucking wierd to have a zit pop with no assistance from yourself.  
  I thought I'd seen it all until I saw the fat woman down the block taking her pet for a walk... ever see a chicken on a leash?  Of course, that moment was topped when the guy on the corner lost control of his huge psycho mutt.  Neighborhood mcnuggets.  
  on hold with tech support.  vivaldi's four season's blasting in my ear.  if i wanted to be entertained while waiting for fucking tech support, i'd jerk off.        
  I was playing pool in this night club that i kept going back to soley for this one guy.  I always take shots from this same corner because i wear short skirts and he does incredibley hot things with his Pool Stick :-)  This particular night i was taking a shot that required quite a lean.......i wasn't wearing panties....guess where that pool stick went! WOO....I never wore undies to that night club again.   
  Have you ever noticed how men are only comfortable in a social setting if they are in uniform?  Leaving descriptions of social setting specific uniforms to users. If you don't get it, then you don't see men.  
  there i was. hittin on a 300 pound fat chick. tryin to score. and she says i'm too fat for her. me at 180 pounds, too fat for her.  never has my self esteem dropped that much.  then i realize.  "bitch who you waitin on. you're fat. you're a fat bitch. i'm probably the only dick you'll ever get."  then i laughed. in her face. she looked at me weird and left.   the bartender felt bad and gave me a free beer.   oh well always the ol' monkey spank.  
        I put M&M's on layaway at Wal-mart.  
  If a friend of yours has had a particularly nasty sexual encounter with someone of the opposite gender who is not quite up to par (socially/mentally/physically), do not try to talk him out of doing it again for at least 24 hours. Pretty soon the mistake signals will go off in his brain and then you can proceed with bombardment of humilation.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it was a wicked xmas morning hangover.  after a festive holiday handjob, one of the cats came into the room and threw up a wad of tinsel.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometime in 1996, somewhere not too far over the Atlantic Ocean, our primary jet engine goes out. The pilot announces that the only route for survival calculated by him and the ground crew is a forty five minute arc in the direction of Brussels. The plane turns into an offbalanced washing machine, and a horrible noise resonates through the cabin. It shakes everything.  A stewardess, guided by a much more advanced knowledge of such situations than the rest of us, wisely pukes in panic and runs screaming down the aisle.  To comfort the passengers, someone else in the crew pushes in a tape of Mr Bean that plays over all the TVs hanging from the ceiling. "Hey," I think, distracted. "I've seen this episode on PBS. When he opens that laboratory door, all this blue shit is going to explode like a bomb." Mr Bean proceeds to open the door, and the experiment blows up. Then the plane whips to one side, the TVs swing in the opposite direction, and the screens and overhead speakers break down into complete static as all other light sources in the cabin lose power.  That's when I know I'm going to die.  
  It had been a long time since I had gotten any pussy. I mean like a REAL long time.   This dude I worked with was an ex-con, pretty nice guy, good worker. He was sort of seeing this one chick I tought was pretty hot. And I'm here telling him about my dry spell and complaining about how I can't get any.  Like the next day this chick calls me, comes over and she wants to fool around. Well I don't pull that shit on friends or especially ex-cons. She says she understands. OK cool. The next day she says she's not with that dude and wants to go out over the weekend. I asked him about it and he said they weren't together. I picked her up Saturday morning, we go to a gun show and she actually has a good time. I'm thinking alright. We get to my house and I mean she literally fucked me all weekend long. You know the kind of sex you dream of, finally got to try doggy style and all that shit. Well Sunday evening I take her home. On the drive back I'm thinking cool, maybe this will work out.  No such luck, Monday morning she's back with the ex-con and he seems real cool with the whole situation. Freaks me out but at least I got some.  I've always wondered if he took pity on me and asked her to show me a good time.......you know, some sort of convict code of honor.  
  In 6th grade, a horrible year, the "popular" girl is telling me how she knows I live in a trailer park and my family is poor.  She then sits on the art table into a full paper plate of brown paint, in her white parachute pants.  I tell her I don't live in a trailer park, but my house burned down earlier that year, and yeah we're poor.  I don't tell her about the shit colored paint all over her expensive ass pants.  I learned about karma at an early age.   
  Every time I eat a large amount of beef, my urine gets this strange odour to it.  It's not unpleasant, but it doesn't smell like roses either.  I can't really say what it smells like, except that it's beefy pee.  Eat an 18 oz. steak and have a few beers.  You'll see what I mean.  Every time I smell that smell, I think "Mmmmmmm, beef."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Someday, sorry_e_e@hotmail.com and i will smoke a joint together.  Someday.        
  One morning whiel cooking bacon, it occurred to me that i was shirtless. All the while the popping, buring grease spalltered on my naked chest. The more it happened, the more I liked the burning it  gave me. It resembled being hit with a hot poker, and oh how that put me back to my childhood.  
  I was sitting in accounting class when my teacher was having trouble reaching the cord for the projector screen.  She called on Tom to reach it because he was tall. She said "Do your magic Tom."  Then to the class she says, "It's amazing what a couple of inches can do." I think that is the most sexual an accounting class has ever gotten.  
  "Is that a shit stain on the back of your white pants?"  "No, it's dirt" I plainly replied.    I've never worn white pants since that day.   
   He was so damn gorgeous. 6'2", rock solid musculature and with a silky blond mat of hair on his chest in which the beads of moisture from the shower he'd just stepped out of gathered iridescent rainbows.  He dropped his towel ans asked if I wanted to make love.  His penis was the size of a peanut.           
  It occurs to me that those stupid kids from the Blair Witch Project were walking around in circles the whole movie.    When they could have been following the river.  Water doesn't flow in circles.  College-educated, my ass.  
     Well, they finally blocked lowbrow from the school computers. The admin lady noticed the site was visited from an awful lot of computers and decided to check it out. let's just say she didn't find it as amusing as I did.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The best dump I ever took - as dumps are taken - was just outside of Amarillo Texas.  I left it  - a particularly mean and firm composite of a few days - smoking beside the dark and windy highway like an evil meteor.  It was righeous.  Not so much the thing itself but the relief thereafter.  But the coolest turd of all time I found in Northern California on a log in the prairie.  It was glittering in the sunlight from a hundred yards away and upon inspection was a tubular mash of grashopper carcasses - firm and shiny and crushed.  Bigger than a human turd.  Must have been a bear or mountain lion, anyway.  Talk about fiber.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         walking to the hole for the lex express i hear shh shh is there anything that will get your attention faster sshh we dont hafta air that shit out here do we he demmandingly asks her like the fuck we dont says she the tale of how he fucked her pregnant friend and the sordid details that ensued made me think that there really are people who belong on ricki lake and jerry springer and all the imahonoyouaho ifuckedmytwelveyearoldgrandsonsdog shows ok so is that the freudian self sabotage fuck me dance ive read so much about questionmark        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         nudity?  i'm fine with that.  i walk around my room, around the halls, naked.  all the time.  nothing on me.  feels great!  i love living alone.  but for some reason, if i happen to be wearing just socks, or just slippers, i feel kinky.  kinda "wild" or something.  what the hell?  straight up nekkid is okay, but if i have footwear, it feels different?  i should be banned from thinking, or doing things, this late at night.  
  So, after six years of trying to meet trashy local women on our annual vacation, Francis finally ended up going home with one. According to trusted sources, her face wasn't bad, and she had a nice body. Which was something, considering she had three kids, all by different men. He thought he might drive her home from the bar, because she was absolutely the polar opposite of sober (or so I hear). But instead, he packed into her car with a couple of other ne'er-do-wells and she took them on a 90 mph drunken cruise down Minnesota back roads back to her place. When they got there, he had to sit around and make small talk with her 40-something country-trash buddies for at least an hour, and she didn't even have any beer      because if she keeps any in the house, the 13-year-old baby sitter and her friends will drink it      Finally, Francis got her up to bed, where it was determined that she didn't have any condoms around. Not surprising, considering those three kids and all. He busted ass downstairs and told the 13-year-old baby sitter and friends he'd pay $10 if someone could find him a condom within ten minutes. They found it. Francis fucked her. He scrawled a note thanking her before he left the next morning. One of the baby sitter's friends saw him walking to a phone to call us for a ride a few minutes later. With no trace of irony, I must say: We're proud of you, Francis. We are proud.  
  My mom picked me up at my boyfriend's house to go to her church thing.  I often wonder if I was the only one there who had just had sex 3 consecutive times.  P.S.  My shirt was also COVERED in cum...  
  Every good story starts off with so there I was....   So there I was...we were having a party over at our place, a bunch of people were over and things were going well. Until I noticed that one of my roomates had disappeared. Now this isn't that odd, b/c he was hanging out with this one girl all night. And he had drank enough beers such that she prolly looked like a blurry Miss America at that point. Well..the party begins to wind down, and I turn off the TV, and stereo, as people are about to leave. And then everyone freezes, as I do. B/c we all hear really loud moaning and a head hitting a backboard. Now we are all mature adults so we all smiled and cheered them on, in a rather I wish I was there manner. Well then as we are all self congratulating ourselves..we hear (really loudly) "YOU ARE SO HUGE" at which point we all busted out laughing. The laughing went on for a bit, and then we all looked at each other and REALLY wished we were in there. At that point we all felt rather insignificant and everyone left...except for me I lived there. So as revenge I snuck into the room the next day and took nude picks with my digi camera..with no one the wiser. Now all I have to say is..hello internet.    Sometimes...being an asshole is fun.   -Thank you   i need to see these pics. please e-mail me whatever your name is.   
  I can't have sex right now.  My boyfriend tied me up, got too rough, and his stubble left a scab on my inner thigh.  
  If I throw enough $#!+  against Lowbrow, some of it is bound to stick.  
  lounging around in the afterglow, my man glances at the clock.  "damn, we're going to be late for the movie if we don't leave in the next few minutes," he tells me, so we rush to get dressed and out the door.  twenty minutes later we're sharing popcorn and watching the harry potter movie in a theatre full of kids. reeking of sex.    
   I don't know how we ended up going at it in the closet, but we had. All the lights were off and we were banging away in this somewhat large closet for a good long time.   Later, exhausted from our screwing, we stopped. As I regained my primary senses, I felt my nose running. I turned on the light and wiped my nose.  I look down at my hand, to see it covered with red. A nosebleed. No biggie, I get them all the time.  As I got up to leave the closet, I looked at har again, and down at myself. She was dishevelled-looking and covered with blood... her face, her breasts, everything! Naturally, I was covered in blood as well, pretty much head to toe.  Apparently, I had been bleeding through my nose for some time but had failed to notice it, otherwise occupied as I was.  Into the bathroom to clean up I went... but as I stood upright, I got a wave of light-headedness. I stumbled into the bathroom, still light-headed to beat all, and decided to lie down. Only I was still bleeding. So I lay down in the bathtub.  There I am, eyes half open and covered with blood, laying in a bathtub.   Suddenly, I hear >click click   Girl has a shit-eating grin on her face and a camera in her hand. I groan and close my eyes to avoid the flash.   She didn't seem to mind being covered in my blood, and even laughed about it.  I felt pretty bad about it for a number of reasons, and I looked like a murder victim to boot.  I stop the bleeding and sheepishly clean up the mess I've made(blood was all over the closet as well as us)    Follow-up: I talked to her about a year or two later, she says she "has no idea" where those pictures are.  A shame, I kind of want to see how they turned out...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I live here.  Communal showers, 3 check-in's every night.  Homosexual activities up the wazoo.  Mandatory roommates. Sounds like prison, doesn't it?   
  i drove into town for a party, surprising friends, seeing people i hadn't in months or years. But instead of doing the catching up I should have, I got drunk enough to make out with someone I didn't reeeaaally want to, in fron of people enough to embarass myself. It moved up to the somewhat more private roof, and in the process got some cuts and scratches, sullied my jeans on the wet and dirty rooftop, and was accused of throwing a bottle across the street which summoned the cops.  While my friends rescued me from my new makeout partner, who i learned was a sex worker in a fetish palace, i still ended up thinking of how i should have finsihed off the night with her and eased the long neglected urging in my pants.  
  I am addicted. I am hopelessly addicted...not to cigarettes or liquor...but to soda and (most importantly) orange juice.   I  need  orange juice. Once, I woke up from a deep sleep and went out at 3 AM to the gas station because we had no orange juice and I  needed  orange juice. My boyfriend won't let me live it down...  I did it again, this morning, at 2 AM.  I am addicted to orange juice.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we have been dating for almost six months, but today I felt, for the first time, a kind of intimacy that was new and amazing.  he farted in front of me. made no attempt to hide it. I have a feeling that it sort of snuck out unexpectedly, but he acknowledged the fart! he muttered, "excuse me," and continued fiddling with the TV.  I now feel totally comfortable letting one rip in the car without saying something like "what's that weird smell? are we driving by a factory or something?"  
  The other day  (while peacefully living in my perfect suburbia) I saw the most thorough Goth I have ever seen.  This guy had knee high boots, tights and a full length cape, all black, of course.  A suburban Goth?  This is one of the wealthiest areas in one of the wealthiest counties in the country.  What kind of teen angst could possibly be born in such a happy sterile place? Knowing the kids around here, he probably had a brand new Mercedes. In suburbia, teen angst is total bullshit.  
  Once, there was a young lad of ninteen years who was wearing a bright orange jacket and a red trucker's cap that said "Jim", although that wasn't his name.  Anyhow, Not-Jim was wandering through the forest.  He had become lost some days before, and was terribly exhausted and terribly demoralized when he came upon a glistening brook.  This was wonderful, as he had not drank any water in days.  Bending down, he cupped his hands and drank deeply of the clear water.  After drinking his fill, he began to stand up, only to be shot dead by a hunter who had mistaken his bright orange jacket for a deer in its prime.  The moral of the story:  Eat your Wheaties, motherfucker.  
  if ever there is a doubt in your mind just remember this one thing, i let the dogs out...        
   4:31 AM.. or is it 3:31? Damn time change... She can't sleep, probably from that 4 hour nap this afternoon... She made a pot of vegetable soup from scratch, smoked the last cigarette and is still awake, staring at her boyfriend passed out in the middle of the living room floor... wondering where the closest 24 hour cigarette store is.        
  I burned my bridges with the first girl who gave me play. Fuck it. We became enemies even though she once poetry about me. I couldn't stand her bullshit. She would cry sometimes and ask my friends why I hated her. And whenever she saw me she would make fun of me. And then at a party she tripped me. My face landed on someone's knee. My tooth ripped out a chunk of my lip. It took two weeks to heal. There's still a bump. It will probably be there until the day I die. Everytime I touch it with my tongue I feel like I've rationalized the fact that I don't trust women.  
  When I was 10 I was riding my new bike in a parking lot.  An older kid came up to me and said, "I want your bike."  I said, "What will you give me?"  He said, "This book of matches."  For some dumbass reason I thought to myself, "Oh, he means he wants to ride it around the block and bring it back."  So I said "OK."  He gave me the matches and rode away on my bike.  I never saw either one again.  Sometimes I amaze even myself.  
  It's 2:00am in the sad little alcove bar of this Atlantic City casino where I work. It's playtime for me (summer job) but I kinda feel sorry for the cocktail waitresses still working trying to make ends meet.  And then some little prick with a fuckwit-grin and dark stubble drunkenly stumbles past, harassing the cute waitresses with the skimpy outfits. They shoot a galnce across to me, rolling at their eyes at having to put up with it. The sad little drunk man, after all, only comes up to their pushed-up tits, what with him being so short and they in heels. He continues fondling their bottoms, they hoping to at least get a tip out of it.  I look closer at this little piece of obnoxious shit and see its BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, though no one is really impressed at this hour and the girls just want to get home to their kids. And at that moment I realized that this guy isn't taller than 5'2" and that every single photograph you have ever seen of him has been taken from an upwards-looking camera angle creating the illusion of stature.     
  Again!! White shirt, blue bellybutton lint!   Confused...  
  My bike seat is zen. It is too low for me to ride comfortably. Paradoxically, it's too high for me to mount or dismount without ramming my crotch in what can only be interpreted by others as some weird public display of sado-masochistic masturbation, which, I assure you from the bottom of my burning loins, it's not.  
  I have been eating Salt & Vinegar chips since I was 4.  I can go through a bag in under an hour.  Everyday for the past 6 months I've had the same thing for lunch.  A big tub of extra crispy frys and a grilled cheese sandwich.  If I live past 30 I'm going to congratulate myself with some tasty, decadent food.  
    Limbo Comes To America   My girlfriend, and intended wife, was in Colorado, so I was going to stay with her parents for awhile. Before I came, I looked at the map. Rockville Centre is only about five miles from JFK. So I told them that I would just walk, so they didn't need to pick me up. They laughed, and explained that I just didn't understand, and insisted that her father pick me up. I slung my Navy bag over my shoulder, and headed out to the greeting area. Tiny, dapper guy comes up to me. I'm 6 feet tall, and he's about 5'2". He glances doubtfullly at my casual attire, and my shoulder-lengh hair, but  leads me out to his car. An American car! Finally! But it's just a Plymouth Valiant. Geez - he's a diamond dealer, why isn't he running a Cadillac? It's hotter than I've ever experienced, but he turns on the air-conditioning. (Air-conditioning! In a car! Oh, Brave New World...) He drives out of the airport. I'm goggled by the fact that we're on the wrong side of the road, and look around enchanted by the Long Island scenery :-), and the police cruisers, and actual black people... I'd be happy to just goggle for awhile, but he wants to talk. Definitely. I can't remember what he actually asked, but what it meant was: "You've been sleeping with my daughter!" I'd rather just have goggled...  
  Put a marshmallow (or two) on a saucer and heated it up in the microwave.  It expanded to two or three times its original size, and when I took it out it started shrinking again and collapsing in on itself, slowly.  I put it in the freezer to speed up the process, and when I took it out a minute later it was flat as a pancake and hard, like sponge toffee. I had to chip at it with a fork to get it off the plate.  Ate it anyway. Crunch.  
  I also thought that the guy who drank his own piss for &pound;50 was the 'Brow de la 'Brow, but then I found this one:   ------------------  regardless of irreligiousness, impiety, insanity, incontinence, or inebriety -   what's really lowbrow is not what happened to all these people, but the fact that using words beyond their vocabular ability, they inevitably spell them incorrectly.   now, that's lowbrow...   - odondon@gmx.net   ------------------   Sure, even coming here is lowbrow, but coming here to post a moment that shows how superior you are to all of the other 'browers, that takes the cake.  odondon, suck my irelligious, incontinenct peenis  
   Standing among a small group of hard drinkers at the bar, I noticed a spider dangling from the ceiling by a strand of its silk. It dropped down slowly right in the center of the circle of people at the bar and stopped right at eye level.   I sucked it out of the air with a quick intake of breath and washed it down with a swig of Rolling Rock.   
  my friend had a bit of a crush on this guy in her history class. we'll call him richie smith. so the teacher finishes talking and a few kids get up to go to the bathroom. she looks around and says loudly, "where did everyone go? and by everyone, i mean richie smith!" her friend looks up at her with her eyes wide, and says, "he's right behind you."   she flipped out and turned around to see if he had heard, and he winked at her.   
  My friend says he can't do anything about the starving and the homeless.  He said this to me in GAP.  Spending  45 on a shirt.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          My buddy and I were looking for two roommates to take our extra bedroom. But they have to be lesbians. As girls, they won't make messes, (My current roommate and I keep the place really clean) and as lesbians, we won't try to have sex with them and mess up our relationship as roommates.       They have to be buff manly lesbians too, in case my car breaks down they can fix it for me. We'll do the dishes, they'll clean the gutters.  
  I was in Hammacher Schlemmer, returning a CD player I had bought three years before, when someone pushed past me. He turned around, and he and I traded dirty "How dare you be in my way/How dare you push past me" looks, and about a nanosecond after he started turning away, I realized that I had traded dirty looks with William Shatner.  After returning the CD player, and browsing for about 15 minutes (and occassionaly sneaking glances over at the Shatman and his girl shopping) I walked out, laughing almost out loud at how surreal it all is... and I turned as I noticed someone walking out of a drugstore, and I inadvertently traded ANOTHER dirty look with William Shatner.  I didn't say anything to him either time. And I'm okay with that. I guarantee that he's heard every "Hey, T.J. Hooker" or "Beam up your toupee, man!" joke by now. I kinda wished I'd've said "STOP FOLLOWING ME!" to him the second time, but its okay. I'm going to hell now for sure.  
  "I don't know what happened...all of a sudden the white car was in front of me and it was too late for me to react," said the man with his pants around his ankles. Truck driving MUST be boring and lonely.        
  Another actual phone conversation:  ring  me: Hello? voice of a young boy: May I speak to Christopher? me: Speaking. yb: Dakota? me: What? yb: Faucet. me: WHAT??? yb: I think I got the wrong number. me: Yeah!    
  The trouble with group dates is that there are other females in close proximity to your individual chosen female.  This effect becomes worse by immense factors when the females in question know each other well.  You might as well forget having a date, and just sit back and listen to the girls chatter between themselves.  I was prepared this time though.  I had brought with me a number of padded weapons- PVC Piping covered in foam -that I could use to duel with the other bored guys while the girls talked.  We could say we were fighting for our lady's honour or something like that.  That's when one of the girls challenged me.  Sure, fine, I figured, lets see what happens.  It turns out though, that my 3 years of fencing and half year of kendo had actually taught me something.  I could hit her whenever I wanted, and she couldn't do squat.  Eventually, I alert her to this fact of existance, but does she give up?  Not exactly.  She screeches "YOU CHAUVINIST PIG!!!" at the top of her lungs and starts wailing that padded stick as hard as she can.  Now, this isn't actually any more effective at reaching me than before, but now I'm worried that if I mess up (unlikely) I could really get hurt.  Fortunatly, I keep my head, continue to block, and continue to make her look like a fool.  That's when she dropped her weapon and ran at me, nails extended.  And that's when I was able to demonstrate that I could also run faster than she.  
  OtherPerson: do you think we'll have school tuesday? PeterJaffe: I dunno PeterJaffe: I really have no clue whatsoever PeterJaffe: And that's a general statement, in response to nothing in particular  
  Those mutherfuckers at Sony can kiss my ass.  They decide that their music division needs to make their CDs so they can't be ripped to MP3.  At the same time, their electronics division makes the Network Walkman that plays MP3s.    The dilemma: if I buy a cd and want to play it on a Network Walkman, I'm shit out of luck.  Someone needs to walk in there and say "pick a hole...your dicks can't be in all of them at once."  It's a good thing their high-tech anti-piracy features are no match for a fucking Sharpie.   
  after being forced to listen to the crappy local classic rock station at work for eight months straight, there is no doubt in my mind that john cougar mellencamp is the devil's pawn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was surfing around on the internet when one of those annoying advertisment banners popped up.  In bold letters was the question, "Is there pornography on your computer."  After staring blankly for about 10 seconds, I scoffed before answering obviously, "Uh, YEA."    After noticing nobody was in the room and how much porn I actually had on my computer, I realized my brow had never been lower.  
  thirteen kids in a small car going around a roundabout, two of whom in the boot (trunk?)  the cops pulled us up, breatherlized the driver, he failed of course.  one cop asks if anyone has their license and hasn't been drinking, so I front up.  the cops reckon they have to search my pockets before I drive, so I whip out my little (dry) waterbong. One cop sniffs it, asks what it is for. I carefully explain about exams and how I like to reklax after school with a pipe of tobacco, a pipe coz I don't like papers.  He nods, passes the bong to his mate, asks him what it smells like. his mate says tobacco.  So I had to make three trips, stoned laughing, with apolice escort. They must have had their quota already.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My aunt bought me a Muppets drum kit for my birthday.  Stingy grandma made her take it back to the store.  Thanks, grandma.  Instead of growing up to be a devil-worshipping rock and roll drummer, I'm selling crack to 8-year olds.  
  MEKKA LEKKA HI  The cops pounded on my front door.  I hate cops, but opened it just a crack anyhow to see what they wanted.  The younger one pushed his way in, obviously bent about something.  I grabbed a handful of his hair and slammed his face into the doorjamb.  What probably saved both our lives at that point was that his head _bounced_ off the wood, just like a rubber ball! I was frozen in confusion by this apparent violation of physics, and must have had quite a look on my face, because his partner, instead of pulling his gun, started convulsing with laughter. "Aw man, I think my nose is broke," the younger guy complained sheepishly, holding his nose as blood spurted from his hands.  His partner, still laughing, led him away, and I got ready to clean yet another puddle of blood off the doorstep.  
  Another reaction to a post... Just read how someone not only takes offense at Starbucks, but at JambaJuice and WorldWraps as well... something about neighborhood infections. Personally, I frequent Starbucks rather than the quaint little neighborhood coffee house. It has the same prices, same beverages, and at least Starbucks isn't full of psuedo-ansgty wannabe poets scribbling away and dropping ashes all over the place.  Coffee without the artsy pretensions and health code violations... yeah, gimme my Frappacino.   
  One day my ex-girlfriend and I were fooling around, and we both came at the exact same time.  It was the first, and only time we ever did that.  It made me feel closer to her, and that we were perfect, and I loved her.  Ten minutes later as we lay there, she told me of her decision to leave me and go away across the country to college.  
  I just realized it's 1:00 am and I'm sitting here online, waiting for a guy who lives 100 miles away to come online and talk to me.  I have a crush, or something, on someone I've never met, and I'm pissing away my evening waiting for him.  I couldn't be more pathetic on purpose.    
  Lowbrowing, I read this:  Is there any way to get a cum stain out of a pillow?   - InNeed@Cummy.com   Well, if you'd have just left an actual e-mail address, I could've told you! Now you're stuck with your jizzpillow. No pun intended.  
  The people who jump in front of the subway cars in order to kill themselves are really inconsiderate.  Please kill yourself in the privacy of your own home, where your actions don't impede on anyone else's life.  I am so sick of being late because someone has to mop your brains off the metro tracks.  
  My bro and I goto this festival thingy each fall.  The fun shit to do, is talk to all the people that walk by at 3 in the morning (most drunk).  But two sober women with purses strung over their shoulders walk by.  One is explaining how badly she needs to piss.  She wants to piss in a port-a-john.  Her friend advises her not to because they are not very clean this time of night.  The lady ignores these wise words, and goes into the plastic shitter.  A couple minutes later she exits, relieved and pleased.  "I told you those things weren't that bad.  This one had a nice purse holder next to the seat!"  
  If everyone had antlers it would be......inconvenient.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've dropped several condoms at several fast food establishments. I had to pick them up fast before anyone or my date would notice. I have to stop carrying these damn things in my wallet because the cashier noticed when she found it inbetween a five and a one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ok. Maybe she isnt dead. But she'll have one hell'va headache if she isnt.        
  I tried to make "cliche" into an adjective.  
  "Surely, some of the world's most brilliant of geniuses had thought up their discoveries or put together the solutions to their ultimate problems while taking a shit, hadn't they?"  
  I am a hot white girl and I had sex with this black guy as I have a touch of Jungle Fever.... We were hot for each other.. The kissing was sensual as I could feel the wetness fill my Victoria Secret thong. He gets on top of me and I switch. I am riding him soo hard it is good... His cock is huge and pulsating... I am reaching an orgasm, "fuck me harder harder...." He does "ooh right there harder" when we were done and climaxed together I said soo how was it.. He was like Jesus you are like an instruction manual... Here there don't move.. Sorry but when you are right there, that boy better not even think of moving!!!  Ohhh how I love sex!  
  Usta practice shooting a 45 and was pretty damned good. Since my hands are small, the ex would cock it for me and leave it on the bedside table.  After becoming pregnant with my daughter, I became deathly afraid of the firearm. The ex removed the firing pen from the gun and placed the gun and the firing pen in two different locations.  Been divorced for almost 13 years now and I sure wish I had that old 45 with me. Maybe it's time to take that shooting lesson and get licensed - buy me my own 45.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My football team has a pasta party on the nights before game day.  On one particular night we went to a restaurant called "The Loft".  Some guys were messing around and they bought a bunch of condoms in the bathroom.  Than as an even bigger joke they put an italian sausage inside of the condom.  But than, players starting piling cash on the table.  Our starting QB took the sausage-condom and proceeded to put it in his mouth.  It slipped out of his hand and he deep throated it, almost swallowing it.  I can't decide if the lowbrow part of this moment is that he almost swallowed or a sausage in a condom, or the fact that he did it for 9 dollars...  
  Grocery clerk entry #26: When you're so fat that it looks like your face is in danger of being swallowed by your neck, it's time to put the chocolate bundt cakes back on the shelf.  
  third grade; starting early: a crippled guy fell on me and i pushed him on the ground. his crutches were the type that attach to the arm, so they "broke" his fall.  
   from anti-social.com BBS  smart looking, functional... i would say, a crotch that was obviously the subject of substantial attention and tlc, a well looked after crotch, and from all accounts, a crotch which gets a fair bit of use, for keeping things in, scoring the excellence of dreams, looking spiffy and so forth.  hurrah for rach's spiffy crotch! a role model for crotches everywhere -stupidlittlebrother          
  Standing in the back room at work I warn my coworkers not to drink the apple/berry blend juice from the vending machine because it tastes like "urine".  Someone laughs and says "What, have you tasted urine?"  Totally without thinking I reply "Yeah, hasn't everyone?"  Judging from the blank stares, apparently not.  
  damn she was cute long dark hair, nearly black eyes and light skin... gorgeous... a tattoo of a treble clef on her arm... a beauty that my eyes had not seen the likes of in years... she even looked to be about my age. my mind raced. what should i say? do i smell ok? should i ask for her number? maybe her name? perhaps how she's doing? finally i got the courage and said "a medium number one, to go please" i'm such a pussy  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day as I was walking in the Village, a lady stopped me.  SHE : Where's the Starbucks on Astor?  I'm supposed to meet a friend there.  ME : Go half a block that way.  Turn right.  It's right there.  I neglected to mention that fact that on the two blocks of Astor there were actually three Starbucks.  
  Settled into my usual Sunday night redeye SD-NY commute & began willing myself to sleep.  But it wouldn't happen this time, for on the Vegas layover a monstrous woman installed herself in the next seat.  There was no question of lowering the armrest; this became physically impossible. "Scuse me!" she hailed the flight attendant, "can I get a seat belt extension?"  I'd no idea such things existed.  "Uh," she asked petulantly after an unsuccessful experiment, "can I get a second belt extension?" She fell asleep instantly, snoring loudly, and was seized intermittently by violent tremors & kept leaning over on me.  Worse, she had gas. Arrived 8 hrs later at JFK, no doubt looking like shit.  "Rough flight?" my client asked. "Don't ask."  
  another sorry  sorry@kid.com complained and whined about bullies did you ever hit one square in the mouth with all your might questionmark did you ever make them look like asses in front of thier girlfriends or in a crowded bar and then hafta worry about getting your ass beat but doing it anyway and then somehow being so pumped with adrenaline that you lay the bastard to waste questionmark did you ever beat up skinheads just cos the beat up homeless people questionmark did you ever root for the people with mental retardation who totally get shitted on by society at large and work with them even tho it dont pay and all your friends think you are nuts for having to eat pasta six days a week cos you cant afford a fucking hotdog questionmark well then some would say youve got no right to bitch cos you are part of the problem grow a spine and stand up for yourself regardless of whether or not you get a company car and a wife with fake breasts and when you get a taste for it and realize that every fucking bully under the sun backs down to someone who is not just a bigmouthed braggard but someone who is just as in justice then go help all the other poor bastards who cant ball their fists fight every bully fight them all every goddammed last one and start now cos theres a lot of them        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I was taking her home with the knowledge that I was going to be fucking her in a matter of minutes, I took the time to look over at her. I had known her for years and had never been attracted to her. This was reinforced when I looked at her rather plain face, nonexistant tits and legs with some sort of fucking rash on them. I thought to myself, if she looks this bad when I'm drunk, think about how ugly she'll be in the morning. The cab stopped and she tried to kiss me, I turned my head so as to make it a goodnight peck and had the cabbie take me to the house. On the way home I realized what a dumb fucking dummy I was giving up a chance at some no strings attached sex. I thought about fucking that ugly troll when I was jacking off the next day.  
  The man with the beard, sitting alone at the table, tapped his fingers,hunched like a drummer.  At the climax of the song, he wave his handswildly, signifying the triumph of the ending of the song.  He picked up hisdrink, tilting is head back, finished it in a long swallow, stood and puton his coat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Working at McDonalds   Like my glassy-eyed german shepherd humping and fucking away at the million year old recliner in the den. The hands that feebly reach for the buns and the catsup and the meat and the blisters on the hands from the heat of the grill and the toes that tap in time to the radio and the mouths that go limp sometimes when the brains stops telling them what to do. The years of working that make the eyes stop seeing, start reacting and calculating and making sure the meats not too pink cause the health inspector is stopping by today, tomorrow, a month from now, and I ll sure as shit lose my job if that bastard catches me with a uncooked burger. Won t be able to make a next payment on the Ford. Bonnie s expectin anytime now, caint afford to lose this job. Just caint.  Bill in his office with the AC up full blast because it s July but it s not bad yet though. August is bad when its a full hundred outside and inside not much better and sweat wrenches out through the pores, gets in your eyes and mine and itches the small of your back and mine and we look out together on the ten minute break and we see Bill s new Corolla and my unpaid Ford and your bus passes and together we laugh and imagine his face when we key his car. Not today. Maybe tomorrow.  But not tomorrow either because it s Friday but it s not bad yet though. Monday is bad when you re hungover and Bonnie is mad at me and at home its bad but at McDonalds its not much better and it s a brand new week and five whole days of work left before the next weekend. Maybe we ll key Bill s car then, key the bastard right from the ass to the snout. Scratch marks zigzagging up and down the side, and we ll say Damn kids and look down at the ground and laugh til we cry at our next ten minute break. You ll smoke your Marlboro Reds and I ll drink my Coke and we ll laugh our asses off at the big-ass key marks in Bill s car. Sure as shit.   
  I don't know if this has yet been addressed, but:  the sign on the inside of the stall door in bold, italic, capital letters.. followed by two or three rowdy exclaimation points-         ~PLEASE FLUSH!!!~  (a) people generally learn perform this simple act before they have the ability to actually read  (b) whoever these non-flushers are..  is the sign REALLY going to make a difference?    "No, but I bet those exclaimation points will."  
  In situations of uncertain privacy, I used to occasionally masturbate with my hand down my buttoned and zipped jeans, so as to maximize stealth.  I have a scar on my hand from the friction.  
   She told me my haircut was cute and I started saying that it wasn't, it was just okay, and she said, "why can't you just say thank you and shut the fuck up when someone compliments you?"  Then the elevator door closed on her before I had a chance to defend myself.       
  I discovered the joy of masturbation at the age of fourteen. The first orgasm scared the shit out of me, though. I thought I was going to die, and that my goo was some essential fluid that wasn't supposed to be shooting out of the end of my dick.  That didn't stop me from doing it six more times, that day.  
  I have a hard time eating macaroni and cheese and not thinking about the sex resembling noises it makes.  And vice-versa.  
  well, I was mowing my lawn with my new craftsman weed wacker x2000 g2 50000 rpm.  my vagina was spurting love nectrine between my crevasse which helped in fertilization processes. there was a little taco eating mexicano andale mama ea ea. I chased the little fuck for two miles when finally I caught up to him. my weed wacker flailed his naked body until his testicals got caught in the gears of my craftsman weed wacker x2000 g2 50000 rpm's. I brought up the gear ratio to 5:1 for more torque, causing his testicular fluid to squirt in my mouth. unghghahaaa,I savored the flavor which reminded me of A1 steak sauce. uinghahaaa. there was now quite a mess of vaginal discharges in my panties. damn, craftsman makes one hell of a weed wacker.  
     i once thought my sister was practicing thai chi, but it turned out she was working on her cheerleading rountine.    whata bummer man...  ...I really thought maybe she was starting to get cool.  
  Snorting coke with babbling strangers in the bathroom of Bar Marmont, I say loudly "I hate namedropppers." They actually ushered me out. No more for me.  
  I've always though I was er, "sexually special". Then I got to the internet and found out I'm not. I'm a pervert just like everybody else.   
  He says:  "I'm not really a big fan of getting head.  But the chicks seem to dig doing it so I tolerate it... Y'know, for their sake."  
  The other day I went to Victoria's Secret to get a $5 refund with a coupon on a bra I'd bought the month before.  As pathetic as this is, I really needed the five bucks.  Anyways, I'm waiting in line and I get up to the counter and I look next to me, thinking, "oh, how cute.  some guy is buying sexy lingerie for his wife."  Then I realize that this is no guy.  It's a woman.  With a mullet.  Not just any mullet, a hardcore femullet.  And she's buying leopard print thongs and tiger-striped sheer bras.  With her 8-year old son.  At first I wasn't sure whose lowbrow moment this was-the woman's or her son's.  Then I realized it was mine.  Why?  Because I proceeded to turn to the woman and ask her if, when she tried the stuff on (she had about $150 worth of lingerie), she'd brought her son into the dressing room or left him to sift through the bras on display.  Damn, if looks could kill, you'd still be vaccuuming me up from that nice white carpet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mother took me to a triple feature at a drive-in theater. The first movie was the reason we were there, but completely escaped me. The second movie was There's A Man In My Soup starring a mostly naked Goldie Hawn. The third movie was Easy Rider.  That same summer I first saw pornography. A tattered magazine lying in a parking lot across the street from our apartment building depicted scenes of candle wax being dripped on various people's anus.  I was six years old.   This is who I am.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was this annoying guy at work once, he wore this awful smelling cologne that was blue and in a clear bottle.  I told my friend that I bet he wouldn't piss in it. He took it to the rest room and came back and the bottle was now green.  He still sprays that stuff on him even until today.  Its seperating somewhat though, there's some wierd shit floating around in it.  
  Sometimes I wonder just how many people I can completely fall for, and still come home and be the "loving" husband.  Searching for something that doesn't exist - risking the only happiness that might last.  
  At my yahoo email address I get an enormous amount of random spam from online dating services. What are they insinuating?  It's pretty sad when even spam instinctively knows it's been forever since you had sex.  
  The best job you could ever hope for (unless you need money) is working at a movie theater.  I did for 3 years.  After one year there, I discovered pot.  For the next two years, between the shows, you could find me in front of the theater with a couple friends/employees (I was the boss-man) smoking a joint the size of Andre the Giant's pinky.  For two years, it was clean, start movie, toke, clean, start movie, toke.  Then I found acid.  >insert evil cackle here   
  back in the day, vol 87. i told my little brother it would be funny if he dropped a crayfish in her swimsuit. i didn't figure her mother's backhand could send him flying that far. it was much more entertaining than i had originally thought.  
  it's espresso, not expresso. there is no such thing as expresso. knock it off everybody.  
  Once overheard in an Ivy League seminar on Japanese culture:  "Um, it's like, you know, stuff!"  I want my $140,000 back.  
  today at lunch i passed by this chick that had a heaping bowl of cottage cheese and a heaping bowl of cold, plain kidney beans.  frickin' weirdo sorority diet weirdo crazy.  
  After fucking I was always paranoid about the room smelling like sex.  I would light incense or spray perfume to try and get rid of any potential smells.  One night, my boyfriend and I had a particularly good fuck, but almost immediately afterward, a couple of his friends came over.   I didn't really care if they knew we'd had sex, I was just a bit self-concious of the smell, until:  Friend: "What IS that smell?" Boyfriend: "I don't know...?" Friend:  "Hm..." a few minutes later Friend: "It smells GOOD, I wonder what that is?" And he kept going on about it!  And he was totally serious.  Either he really likes the smell of sex, or we have particularly nice sex smells.   
  The woman stood in front of the mirror, pumping weights. She stopped mid-set to adjust the strategically-wisped ponytail on top of her head, and check her lipstick. I noticed she was only lifting two-pound weights.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  My daughter was doing a great job of learning the intricasies of potty-training, but at 2 years old sometimes ya just can't get the whole routine down pat: One morning, after finishing her morning poop, she came toddling out to proudly show me that she had just wiped her butt, holding up the wad of freshly smeared toilet paper to show me what a good job she had done.Upon noticing that her little nose was dripping snot, I said to her "oh, Honey, your nose"... and she instantly started to wipe her nose with the freshly used TP in her hand.To this day i still recount this story to everybody, and she hates me  for it  
  Years ago me and two of my friends were walking down Clark Street in Chicago, laughing and enjoying the clear summer day as we ducked in and out of the CD shops and hole-in-the-wall eateries.  As we passed a building with a section of one of its walls that was made of glass bricks, we heard a woman sobbing uncontrollably - saying something to the effect of, "Oh God, no! Oh God!" as she wailed. It struck all of us as pretty odd until we finally reached the front door of the building and saw the sign that read "HIV/AIDS Clinic".  I can only assume she'd just gotten some of the worst news a person can get. It definitely put the rest of our day right in the shitter.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Visiting hour in my ward. Lots of visitors. I get a phone call from a friend:  Me: ...well, I was upset when you said that you thought uncircumsized men looked weird.  She: Oh, are you not circumsized?  Me: You know I'm not!  We went skinny-dipping last summer!  She: I wasn't paying attention. (come to think of it, that alone qualifies as a lowbrow moment)  She: I didn't notice you paying any attention to me, either.  Me: ARE YOU KIDDING? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY MOLES YOU HAVE ON YOUR LABIA?     
  I have just recently discovered this site after a friend had recommended it.  As I continued to read and laugh my ass off at all the moments, I feel somewhat of a loser for never experiencing a lowbrow moment.   Well today as my parents and I were coming home from moving my sister in to her new house, dad pulled in to a Chinese restaurant that I was not looking forward to eating at.  When we were seated I got up to wash my hands, mom followed.  I walked in first.  It seemed like a normal bathroom.  I started to wash my hands when I hear this loud *gasp* I recognize the noise as my mothers and think nothing of it since mom always does that.  I then hear her ask me, "What's that?   I look to the stall and see this huge red thing on the ground, it looked like a very large USED tampon.  "We're not eating here, that's disgusting" mom says and walks out in a frenzy to get my dad.  I finish washing my hands and then turn to examine the monstrosity some more I realized what I was looking at.    Mom tried to tell the workers about it but they just looked at her blankly since they didn t know any English.  On the way to the next town to find a suitable restaurant to eat at I was thinking,  Wow I finally had a lowbrow moment.   It s very original too since I have never read about blood soaked dildos in the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant before.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In Wisconsin, you can buy a 30 pack of Schmidt's light for $8.99...  I'll repeat that....THIRTY, twelve ounce cans...for EIGHT DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE CENTS...   ....god bless America!  
  Everyone will be pleased and amused to know that after almost 5 years of solo apartment living and only one slightly singed oven mitt, tonight I succeeded in setting my fiberglass cutting board on fire after mistakenly turning on the wrong burner to make tea. Oh yes. There was smoke, there were flames, and my apartment now reeks with an acrid burnt-plastic stink. Thank the gods that I only stepped out of the kitchen for a few seconds. Doesn't take much for one of those cutting boards to catch on fire. I'm getting wood next time. At least wood smells better when it is burning.  And I changed my mind about the tea. It's time for a Lone Star.   
  The beer from the bar was stale from the delivery lines or the patrons lack of good taste.  They tipped the glasswhen they filled it as though it would foam over the top.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Lying in bed in a cheap motel in northern Nevada, watching Comedy Central. Rerun of SNL. Within two seconds of the opening skit, I think, "Hey! This is the one Susan Lucci hosted." (Susan Lucci was not in that skit, for the record.) I can also name all the members of the Wu-Tang Clan, and identify any U2 song within three notes. That's about how useful I am.  
  Attention.   Everything needs it. Plants, pets, girlfriends, boyfriends, even the deceased need it. Of course, they need it only because we say they do.   We really don't need the attention people give us on an everyday basis. We would be far better off without it. I mean, really sit down and think about it. If no one pays attention who is gonna tell you that you just fucked up or that you just tripped, who is going to tell you that you didn't pay your taxes or that you just wasted a day. People complicate our lives. i'm not saying to be anti-social and to hate the world. All i'm saying is that everybody needs to be left alone sometimes so just make sure that you aren't the asshole to walk in on someone who doesn't need the attention that you feel they need.  
  I once picked my nose and unearthed a booger, I swear, in the shape of Jesus.  That's when I realized I'd been saved.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She had two presents for me on Valentines day, just a day before our 6 month anniversary.  One was a decent, warm, long sleeve shirt that was oh-so comfortable. The second thing was what she wore under her outfit.  The next day I broke up with her, citing my reasons.  It was exactly 6 months.  One year later, it's Valentines day.  I go out with my friends, she with hers... we end up at the same club.  I'm wearing the shirt... hey, it's still comfortable.  
  I have a friend who tells this story.  When he was a student in the late 60's, he had a friend who had been at Kent State and actually witnessed the shootings.  He said he learned a very important lesson that day.  "What was the lesson?", my friend asked.  "Stay away from authorities with guns."  
  It's the role of every individual to do something to enhance to human condition... Our perspectives simply vary mildly, because ineluctably your gameplan doesn't include nuclear weapons. Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever. Fuck these capatalist suckers of Satan's bolging elongated cock. Fuckin' pro-lifers, instead of locking arms and blocking medical clinics---why not lock arms and block cemitaries? I want to see how fucking comitted to this idea you are. Or better yet, pro-choicers. No, we're not pro-abortion, we're "pro-choice" we like to right to choose an option. Fuck it. You afraid of something? Say it shithead, say it! People suck, there's too fucking many of them, and they're easier to kill when they're fetuses than when they're adults!  
  I went with a bunch of friends to an outdoor event. The smoking area was set up by the port-o-potties. A few of us were there smoking in the chairs that were directly across from each unit. A woman asked my friend, "Are any of these empty?", to which my friend replied, "Yeah, use that one there. They just left". The lady then proceeded to try to get the door open, and thinking it was stuck, continued to pull, yank and bang on the door to get it to un-stick. She finally propped her foot on the one side of the door, and pulled the handle with all her might and popped the latch open, exhibiting some poor sucker sitting there taking a dump. He yelled at her, "Jesus Christ - IT'S OCCUPIED!!! What the hell is the matter with you!!!!! We started laughing and couldn't stop for the rest of the day. That's worse than giving somebody wrong directions.  
  I was cleaning the dish room with the manager.  We were emptying the filter for the dishwasher. Its scent was similar to feces, although it was only filled with food scraps.  He jokingly offered me $1 to eat some of it.    I thought we were going to start one of those 10.10.220 commercials. The ones where they ask, what's a dollar good for anyway? And I answer, all calls up to 20 mins cost only $.90.  10 minutes later I leave work, my battery is dead.  I have to call collect to my mother to get a jump from her.  I do'nt have change, I call collect. I had to use 1800collect. 10.10.220 was an invalid number.  
  Is it me or are cars which display the "born-again-christian" fish stickers all driven by fucking morons? Slow, erratic, hesitant, unpredictable drivers...  ...If I was a born-again-christian, I would stick my right foot down with carefree abandon like someone who has just been granted eternal life, you know, "On a mission from God" etc.  An acquaintance with the said fish sticker was cut up on the road once, so he flipped the bird to the offending driver. At the next set of lights, the offending driver got out and told him that his attitude was not very "christian"!! Too fuckin' right:  Like christianity ever gave anyone a carte blanche.  Fuckin hypocrites...  
  the sheets of rain sent rivelets running down his back creating the traveling goosebumpparade there were minor halucinations about pattyhearst guarding a performance of ol blue eyes screaming over the thunder came the question can you be anything but an existentialist the reply was  yeah a phenomenologist talk about splitting hairs no one else had any idea as to what the fuck they were talking about         
  Which is worse:  Picking up a fresh warm firm mound of overeating cat vomit and while fighting off the nausea getting various parts of your body humped by a dachsund weiner dog as you are trying to sleep for a 11 hour work shift, OR not sleeping for 30 hours straight and hearing Emilio Estevez play William Bonney in Young Guns (remember the excited eighties music when they are riding horses) as you lose gin rummy to a smart ass computer AI, flat broke and only looking through one dry painful eye at a time.  Of course I did both, at least the cat puke was over quick.  
  there i was on my 20th hour of driving straight through back home to beloved northeastern ohio from the center of this grand country of ours...i had to piss because of all the coffee i had been drinking to stay awake...hurriedly i pull over at the nearest gas station... i run in no restroom, i look around while i am holding my junk and hopping around...i am in the middle of a busy city no where to hide...i hop back in hoping to get some where to piss..no luck...about now i cant see straight...so i grab my half full listerine plastic bottle that was in my shaving kit that was in my travel bag...unscrew the top...and try to piss into it while driving...needless to say my fellow commuters prob got quite a show when i hit a pot hole and sprayed the entire interior of my jeep with my bladder...my dog was glad to see me when i got home...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she was screaming at him again i knew he was gonna blow a head vein if she kept it up you could see him trying not to yell trying not to take a swing at her face purple red she pushed his final jolly red candy like button you suck in bed just like your father he picked her up by her neck she kneed him in the balls he never even noticed he put her head against the wall and i started running toward him knowing if he made contact he would smash her head like a hammer through a pumpkin he loaded up and swung he puched the wall beside he and shattered his hand she passed out from fear he let her drop never said a word and left with his hand dangling next to him        
  What is wrong with the internet? See if you can figure it out: --------------  Find results for "buttsucking carnivorous maggot ronin" on the Yellow Pages!     Results for "buttsucking carnivorous maggot ronin" 1 to 3 of 3 results     E-mail results to a friend  Bookmark this page with Blink  Search for buttsucking carnivorous maggot ronin at Lycos    METACRAWLER SUGGESTS: Go Daddy Software- $8.95 Domain Names  ------------------------- No wonder the NASDAQ is going tits-up.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at work when a coworker let the most putrid fart i've ever smelt, i was gagging for the next ten minutes. it was indescribable. when you watch those war films, and they talk about the smell of hundreds of burning bodies being the most intense smell one can can experience, i feel i can relate.  
  Sitting naked on the couch with my friend's wife (post coitis) we turned the TV on to drown out the sound of my friend finishing of my girlfriend.  An episode of Black Adder (British sitcom) happens to be on and we are just in time for the famous line, "Like the beard, BridesMaid. Gives me something to Hold onto! Woof!"  Loud as the TV is we still hear laughter from the other room when my friend hears this line...followed quickly by his protestations of "No, no! Its not you! Its not you! I am laughing at something else!"  
  "Two Red Dog Talls," the man said, fishing in his front pocket for a few crumpled dollar bills. The grocer plunged his hands into the ice, taking out two tall, perspiring cans and placing them both in one brown paper bag. The bag bulged awkwardly. Money and beer were exchanged, and the man ran off to fetch his train.  "Ha-nesssss," the grocer yelled, scanning the front of the store.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I work as a pizza delivery boy for money. Yeah, it's pathetic, but I'm poor and need the money. One night a customer refused her pizza because she claimed it smelled as if 'someone had defecated all over it'. I assured her that the pizza was completely sanitary and that I had personally overseen its creation but she still wouldn't touch it. So I ate it instead. You know, I didn't see anyone messing with that pizza when it was being made, but she may have been right.  
  One fine sophmore year day in 1995 I decide to go off school grounds to the Mobile gas station by the highway for lunch.  I get my hot-pocket with the change I scrounged around for earlier that day, and steal a few extra snacks.  There are always people behind Mobile, usually smoking blunts or joints.  Guarenteed.  This guy we called Fr k had a big zip-lock bag full of what I thought was some killer bud.  I ask what is in the bag, and I'm told "Oh, it's a bunch of different things."  Me, being the naive lightweight thought he meant a bunch of different types of weed.  Turns out he meant a bunch of different drugs...I didn't figure this out until years later.  After lunch, I wander back to class, and sit down in algebra.  My head is buzzing, and my vision is almost gone.  All I see is fuzzy red highlights, everything else is static and blackness.  I can't see straight, I can't think straight, and I don't think I can move.  Surprisingly every question the teacher asked me I answered correctly.  And I never pay attention in algebra.  I don't remember the rest of the day, but I do remember the pain in my head on the bus ride home.  I promised myself I'd never smoke again...  Now, I burn through a 1/2 oz in a week.  
  Remember, chicks dig penguins, even when they turn out to actually be blue jays....  
  I used to work at a copy shop.  I was disassembling one of the office chairs we had at the computers to take home with me.   My boss comes over and asks me, "What'cha doing?"  I said, "Taking this chair home with me."  He replies with, "Only if you take one apart for me while you're at it!"  Chairs for everyone!    
  Candy corn is damn hard to stop eating.  Even when it makes my molars ache, and my stomach is queasy, and my brain is hopped up on all the sugar, I still think - "Just one more handful".        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         SPAM is short for SPiced hAM.  To know that is to be truely lowbrow....  
  so it's junior year in high school and i'm with my first serious boyfriend.  he walked funny, i always thought it was kind of cute.  his feet turned out and he leaned back kind of far, waving side to side with each step, sticking his crotch out in front of him.  we're making out on the couch in his basement and he starts fingering me.  so i unzip his pants and all i can think is "isn't this supposed to be bigger?"  we keep going and i'm trying to figure out how long it is inches wise.  i'd seen quite a few penises in my day, and this one just really was not close to standard regulation.  but it didn't really matter, because i was in love with him and couldn't see the relationship ever ending.    the fucker left me a month later for a girl he just met with a rep for sleeping around and big boobs.  he dumped me in the last 5 minutes of sixth period and said "you're really pretty and a good time, don't be upset."  course i'm not upset, sweetie.  i just realized i wasted half the year obsessing over a guy with a four inch dick that was late for countless numbers of dates because he had been polishing his golf clubs whose all consuming purpose in life was to fuck a girl who was a good time and a pretty face.    so whenever i saw him afterwards i imagined his dick leading the way as he was walking and thought to myself   "he's got a damn tiny penis to be walking like that."  
  I often say I haven't hit anyone in 35 years. I just realized that's not true. Here's how: I wake up with the tiny French ship's cook (Hi, Monique Lavoise! Sigh...) still in my arms. We're finally in St. Augustine, after sailing down from New York.  The skipper, my soon-to-be-ex-friend, told all of us that we would take the trip easy, stopping in often along the way and having fun. As soon as we left Manhattan, he became the dictator of his own kingdom. We sailed straight down without stopping, right in the middle of the Gulf Stream, which is stupid, but HE was the captain. The crew initially shun me because I am his friend, but they soon realize I am with them. So I pack my kit, kiss Monique goodbye (sign...), and step down onto the dock. I'm jumping ship early because I can't stand the bossy fucker. The crew (and Monique) stand at the rail, waving goodbye. We've all become close friends because the idiot captain almost killed us off Cape Hatteras. I ask the captain to step off the ship (his jurisdiction) and onto the dock (America). I give him a piece of my mind. He looks astounded. I tell him to forget about it, and hold my right hand out. He takes it. I'm left-handed. Almost knocked him clean out. The crew cheered me all the way off the dock...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         don't drink vinegar. i'd read before that drinking vinegar would help you lose weight.  feeling fat, i decided to just take a shot.  i figured it wouldn't be too bad -- i've shot everclear, how bad could vinegar *really* be?  oh buddy.  it's bad.  ever tried to puke in your sink, just because you couldn't turn around and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom for fear you'd puke every step of the way?  sad thing is, i physically dont know how to puke, so i ran to the bathroom, blew my nose, and spat for 5 minutes. i don't feel any thinner.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Straight out of some comedy with lots of pot smoking.  Me and 4 friends pull up to the intersection with thick smoke pouring out of the car.  "Shit cop!  Roll up the windows!"  "Shit!"  "Shit!"  "Cool, he wasn't looking."  
  "Hey, so what are your plans for Easter?"  I grin in anticipation, I know what's coming.  "Easter...hmmm. Isn't that when Jesus comes out of his cave, and if he sees his shadow we get three more weeks of winter?"  "You're going to hell."  Indeed.  
  My long passed-away grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to reminisce about the long walks and the long drives we used to take. He would make special trips to pick me up so that I could spend the weekends with him.  Too bad much of it was wasted because I was relatively young when he died. If he were alive today and passing down his gems of wisdom you could bet I'd be a better man. Some of the pearls he'd given me I've never forgotten. I would accompany him on his daily walk and he would point out various things worth noticing.  "That tree there is a Japanese elm. They grow fast." or "During the great depression I fed every wayfarer that crossed our doorstep." Those things were well and good, but the thing I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice came as we were weeding his garden. We were working around the hot peppers when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."   
  When I was younger we had wonderful moments in mountain camping with friends, I had leadership capacities. I could help my friends to survive in those extreme conditions telling them all the survival tips n tricks i know.  e.g. if you drink a bottle of cheap wine and the run thru the bushes fast as a deer the alcohol will get in your veins in no time and you' ll be drunk as hell in a few minutes.  e.g. (2) it' s funny to jump over the fire with your t- thirt on your head (turbanlike) and with only your socks and underpants on.  
  It's 6.17 PM on a Friday after a long day of work.  I'm sitting in unwashed boxers, drinking a bottle of 5 Euro wine that I smuggled in from Amsterdam, that I lied to my friend about saying the bottle broke in transit (after she paid for it), BLASTING 'Layla' at top volume.  And I'm playing hookie from the plans I made tonight so I can beat off to hentai.    I wonder why I'm single  
  After terminating the marriage plans with ex fianc  #3, I billed him for expenditures. I really did. One of the expenditures was my being tested for HIV because he was a cheater. The test, btw, thank goodness, was negative.  
  Learning about Taoism today, we were talking about the translation of Chinese.  Tao is normally translated as "way," but the character for Tao is made up of two chinese characters, one for "road" and one for "head" which is usually interpretted as the path of the mind or something along those lines.  All I can think about is how I got Tao on the 405 fairly recently, and somehow managed not to crash.  
  working at the fleur, whenever we opened, me and sam would always leave one door locked (of 4) and laugh at all the customers who tried that door.  (yes, folks, if you ever go to a door and it's locked, and you feel foolish, there's a good chance some asshole did it on purpose for a laugh)  one day our manager found out we were doing it.  he suggested we start switching doors every few hours to catch more people.  best job ever.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Among a group of friends and relatives, my mother handed me a perfume sample and asked me what I thought. Angling for a laugh, I remarked that it "smells like urinal cakes."  It was my birthday, and moments later I discovered my gift from my mother to be a large bottle of that very cologne. Givenchy PI. I freakin' love the stuff, I've used it every day for years now, it costs $60 a jug. My girlfriend for whom English is a second language uses the French pronunciation: Pee.  I can still see the disappointment on my mother's face.  
  During my last summer in my cherished college town I lived in this apartment complex with the biggest dicks of landlords you could possibly have.  Of course, it seemed that landlords always wanted me and my 6 to 8 roomates to leave (six bedroom apartments rock) but that's beside the point.  As a landlord you should at least fucking fix the toilet when we ask you to.  Or mow the fucking grass around our front door since you were doing everyone else's.  Or at least stop chasing off male tenats just so you can jerk off to hot college girl fantasies.  But that's all right.  As usual, my crew always laughs last.  Since our landlord decided to give us one week warning to move out we decided to leave a present for those moving in the day after we moved out.    A nice silly-string drawing of a penis on the window (complete with cum splatters), a chenis (a penis to strap on one's face and to use while eating a girl out) hanging off the light post.  And The Destroyer (a 12-inch dildo that you could actually stick on walls) stuck to the front window.  Fuck you, bitch.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A female friend tried to get me to explain men's fascination with lesbians/lesbian scenes in pornos. I told her that its because its basically looking at one girl, except now its double. She then argued "but its not like they would be interested in doing anything with you though" I said "straight women aren't interested in doing anything with me either"   
  So Peter peter Pumpkin Eater and myself are recovering at the McDonalds on I-drive in orlando after the Sasha and Digweed show.    Eating something, we are sitting there while some teenage kids are trying to be badass by throwing away the trays, breaking the salt containers, throwing away the napkin dispenser, stuff like that.   We finish eating, decide its time to start driving home, and we decide to show them how its really done.  So as we walk out, I nonchalantly grab the fitre extinguisher from the wall, give them a big smile, and walk out the door.  Lets hope I taught these kids think think of bigger better things.      
   I once applied for a job where I was interviewed and everytime I enquired about it, they just hung up.  A simple: "I'm sorry, but the job is filled" would have saved everyone countless phone calls and hassle.       
  One night, I was driving my car at a very high rate of speed in a very reckless manner. I flew around a corner at around 80 miles per hour when suddenly, a minivan pulled out right in front of me. I was headed straight for it! Fortunatly the woman who was driving the vehicle had the foresight to put a "Baby On Board" sign in the rear window thus avoiding a major collision. Whew!  
  A friend told me the secret to evading DUIs:  get rid of the keys.  If they aren't in your posession, then you can't be charged.  With that knowledge, my moment...  I was new to town and went to a bar six blocks from home, getting totally wasted after work in my new black Armani suit.  I turned in the wrong direction and tried to do a u-turn off of the side of the road on a six lane highway.  Of course, I get stuck.  Remembering my friend's words, I leave the car with the keys locked inside it.  What sucks is that I'm still on probation for cocaine possession.  So I freak out completely.  It's two in the morning and a cop is bound to drive by on this highway anytime soon.  So I run  through the woods as hard as I can to a target shopping center, scratching my face all to hell and back on the way.  Cops show up at the car, slim jim it open and search all around it.  I'm in a ditch by Target watching them.  Eventually they get back in their cars and drive around with those big fucking searchlight things looking everywhere, including said parking lot.  I cover my head with my suit and evade detection. The cops leave. By this point, I've spent about two hours in mud and/or scratching myself up running.  I call a tow company and talk to them, telling them to just drive around in the parking lot and I'll see them.  So I jump in when the truck arrives, worried about a cop arriving back at the scene.  We drive to the car, load it up, and I give the keys to the driver, saying : "Whatever you do, whatever anyone might say, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT give me back these keys unless we're at my house!"  Of course, a cop spots us just after we've loaded up the car.  He runs up to us, not even back in the truck yet, and he looks PISSED.  I explain to him that I'm really drunk and was at a bar, but that I need my car to get to work the next day, so I'm having it towed home.  Keep in mind my suit is ripped to shreds and it looks like I went mountain lion hunting with a stick.  Said cop does not buy story.  Said cop says the car was right where we are.  Said cop asks tow truck driver where he picked up car at.  Tow truck driver says, "at the bar."  (godthankyouverymuchillbegoodfromnowon)  Said cop says we're lying.  We say we're not.  Said cop asks for keys from me.  Heart skips a beat.  Tow truck driver: "he gave them to me back at the bar" (holds up keys).  Cop asks why I look so bad.  I say I got into trouble with my girlfriend's cat.  Said cop is now really pissed, and yells at me that I'm going to get off on a technicality.  Says if he EVER sees me again, he's going to pull me over no matter what.  Said cop then spits on my shoe, and drives off.  (Well, that's how you escape a DUI, my fellow lowbrow lovers - use it in a pinch.)  
   Cleaning involves strategically moving the hamper to cover the dried dog vomit, then thinking to myself how goddamn smooth I am for it.   
  I was working in my front yard today, moving large bundles of sticks from one place to another when a twig (one of several) escaped my grasp and somehow managed to find its way down into my underwear.  The behind of my underwear.  Right in 'the crack' as it were.  Now, I attempt to ignore this little twig for a while, and it slowly progresses from being a mild irritation to actually being painful.  Unable to stand the discomfort any longer, I reach down my backside, feel around and dislodge the offending plant matter.  With my hands down the back of my pants, I breathe a sigh of relief.  This is when I notice a family of five across the street, watching me.  I shall now avoid garden work, I think.  
  I am a Dental Assistant. One day a lady came in for Dentures.So we took impressions of her gums..As the Dr placed the tray in her mouth he told her to close on his fingers and "suck"..Later I asked him what that did and why he did it...his reply was it did nothing for the impression,,,but it made my dick hard.....ACK thats gross  
   Sex In Scotland '66   (The year, not three short of a "69" -- you'll see.)  I was my first real girlfriend's first real boyfriend, so neither of us knew anything. We really got to like each other, and settled down into a routine. Every Saturday, I'd bicycle the six miles to her place, and we'd vanish into her room for the afternoon. She put on a stack of records, and we'd start out sitting on the floor, talking, then sitting next to each other, then sitting with our arms around each other. Then we'd eventually work up the courage to kiss.  Then , we'd slowly sidle up onto her bed and snuggle for hours, whispering sweet nothings, with "Rubber Soul" on repeat in the background. Sorry, 'Browers -- that's all there is. Oh, 'cept one time I needed to get my soda, which was sitting on the bedstand. I reached across her, partially wrapping one of my legs over her for balance. Before I lifted my leg back off of her, my hips gave one inadvertent thrust.  Sproing!  She was instantly downstairs in the living room, sitting beside her mother, without her feet touching anything on the way. I listened to the end of the album, walked downstairs, and her mom said: "Pamela, your friend's leaving..."  
  It was a tuesday, and I had class at noon, and one more at 6 pm.  So me and my girlfriend (at the time) decided to hit one of the on-campus pubs for a round of pool, and maybe a pint.  As I was the one buying the drinks, I thought "pint, pitcher, she won't notice the difference."  My friend Foreman comes in at about 1:30, so we decided to drink until it was time for my class.  Needless to say, I didn't make it to class.  The few things I remember about that night are:  Slap-Fighting, which started after I posed the question "who do you think can slap themsleves the hardest?" I lost.  Chugging pint after pint. I won.  Sitting at a table with two random girls, "helping" my buddy hit on them (while my girlfriend watched, unamused).  Apparently, we got kicked out by 8 pm.  I was so sick the next day that I could only keep my stomach from erupting by sitting all day.  The bar is now an alcohol-free environment, and they got rid of the pool tables.  I like to think I'm partly responsible for that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This woman was telling me at work that she was a "pro" at eating and driving.  Yeah, she was really fat.  Must drive too much.  
  After almost slipping on the rainy pavement, I heard a voice behind me. "It's slippery out, honey. Be careful!" he said, patterns shaved into his eyebrows and cheap makeup coloring his pock-marked face. "I almost wasn't sure if I should wear these on my feet today." I looked back - he was wearing a pair of clear jelly shoes.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Sunday. He's watching another TV bio of a 70's rock star. These shows are all the same. Rise, fall, massive drugs in between, clean up ten to twenty years later, get their moms to comment on camera... it's like writing a book report.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few years ago one of my friends made a homemade porno tape starring himself and his girlfriend.  Entirely unbeknownst to them, the tape somehow fell into the hands of another of his friends, and -- quite uncontrollably -- circulated among the rest of his friends, until it got to the point where the few of us who haven't seen it have at least heard about it.  Those of us who have seen it (of which I am regrettably one) can tell from the color and length of her hair that she was under 18 at the time this video was made, whereas he was not.  Although we all hate her, fortunately none of us really have anything against him, or this could be used as Evidence.  The stars of this movie have recently become engaged, much to everyone's chagrin.  If they stay together long enough to make it to the wedding, they're getting a very special anonymous wedding present.  I have to wonder what, if anything, they think/know/recall about that tape's disappearance.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         connecticut is a frightening place.  small theatre college on the coast. me and a rag-tag group of friends visiting a buddy for his birthday. we show up late, just us and our drugs, his booze, no place to stay in the middle of frigging connecticut. some professor (really) gave all ten of us the key to his office so we could crash in there, us and our mushrooms and tequila.  five in the morning i find myself curled with my friend between two desks and some sound equipment in some huge dark office with exactly 30 minutes to catch some shut eye before having to drive four hundred miles north to be on time for work the next day.  what kind of professor thinks its okay for a bunch of kids obviously out of there gourds the keys to an office building with tons of expensive equipment in it in the middle of the night?  connecticut. the most underrated spot in the us for ludicrous fun.  i dont go there anymore if i can help it.  
  We were sitting in booth in a restaurant.  I was telling him about something that had happened to me at work that day, when suddenly he makes this lip-smacking sound.  I see that his eyes are focused at a point behind me and above my head.    I turn around to look at the television that was suspended from the ceiling, and I see that annoying (and somewhat disturbing) jeans commercial featuring teenaged girls with very flat stomachs and cgi-generated singing bellybuttons.  I turn to look at him and finish what I was saying, but his eyes are still focused on the TV behind my head.  I ponder the possibility of a television commercial that could cause a man to become more self conscious about his four-inch penis.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was traveling on a train from college to my mother's house. I chat with a girl who invites me into the lady's room with her. I am hoping for some action. She pulls out a joint.  The lady's room on this old train had a sitting room with a long couch and two water closets that opened into the sitting room. We smoke the joint in one of the water closets and just when I am comfortable enough to start groping, someone walks into the sitting room.  She sits on the couch and does not use the facilities. We are giggling and waiting for her to leave before we start doing anything. The interloper never leaves and we are almost dying from suppressed giggles.  My new girlfriend tells me to stay put, walks out of our little sanctuary and closes the door behind her. She looks the other woman in eye and says, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you. There is a man in there." I nearly die from laughing and bolt out of the room after her.  
  "Who the fuck does McDonalds think they are? They have small fries, large fries, and SuperSize fries.   We all know that large is medium you dumb fucking sons a bitches. Do you think we're all idiots?"  I'll leave the e-mail out, for their sake.  But really.  YOU'RE the dumb fuck.  We actually have 5 sizes of fries-small, regular, medium, large, and super size, and they're all different, and I would know, because I fucking work there.  Asshole.   
  Sometimes my thoughts take the form of large insects, other times small, furry animals crawl across my face while I sleep.  
  I worked out while blasting Fugazi's  13 Songs .    I'm not sure that it's the kind of thing that ol' Ian MacKaye had in mind when he recorded it, but it works for me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of these days, after hearing a way too perky "How are you today?", I'll respond with, "Better than you." and just rack them straight across the jaw.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Tried going to sleep without jerking off beforehand (pun intended). That was 2 hours ago and obviously it has not worked.   Well then, here i am on the internet.  Time for some porn.   People who master the skill of sleeping loaded, speak up, for you might save some minutes of my precious naptime.  
  Overheard in a Dennys in the wee hours of the morning:   Girl:  So what are you here for?  Guy:  I was hoping to poke you in the butt.  Girl:  Do you think I'm cheap or something?  You'd have to get me drunk first.    I damn near choked on my sausage.     
  It's six in the morning, and we failed to yank any strippers out of the titty bars the night before, but we are still rolling hard, so we hire a couple of cheap escorts and I end up getting my first cocaine experience.  The little one lights up her base pipe and shotguns me a big hit.    All I really remember about that 5 hour period, is that she kept alternating between telling me to "never ever start smoking cocaine!", and "take a hit!  please take a hit with me!"  I don't know which part was more lowbrow:  the nasty escorts, the smoking of base, or the fact that we hired escorts and I didn't even get my dick sucked.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Mr. Mister song 'Kyrie' is a good tune.  It's made doubly good because the chorus can easily be mistaken for  "Carrying a laser down the road that I must travel/Carrying a laser through the darkness of the night..."      
  Is there anything in life that feels better than friction?  (use your own definition of the word)  
  if you ever fall off the empire state building, just go real limp. someone might try to catch you thinking you're a dummy. cause hey, free dummy.  
  So I'm sitting in the basement of my parents house watching conan..I have a bottle of rum in my hand.  Taking sips....taking gulps...(keep in mind here im a senior in high school) My mom comes downstairs. I get all scared and spill the drink all over myself and the leather couch im sitting on. My mom asks me what happened and i tell her i pissed myself.   She hands me a towel and tells me to clean up.  A week later she asks me where her rum is?  
  i'm disappointed to see that microsoft had the presence of mind to register homail.com; even more when i see that they're not actually using it. there go my plans of starting up an email service for loose women.  
   This elderly-friendly moment brought to you by Joe's Optical Shop   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Years ago, while visiting L.A. I got a blow job from a hot little latina hooker on Santa Monica BLVD.  About 1 year later I was watching COPS on TV and saw her get arrested.  Trouble was, it turns out Santa Monica BLVD is where the transexual and hermaphrodyte hookers hung out.  I can laugh now.  
  I went back to visit some friends and my little brother at my old residential high school.  That night I ended up hooking up with a friend who still went there.  Since girls aren't allowed up on the guys side we ended up making out and messing around behind one of the buildings.  I have one of my nipples pierced and he kept giving it these little tugs that hurt/felt really good and everytime he did that I couldn't help but moan.  When we were done we head back towards the dorms and guess who I see as we're coming around the corner?  That's right, my little brother. He heard me moaning with someone he has to see everyday.  He looks at me, laughs, and says "I guess you don't want me to tell Mom and Dad about that, do you?"  No, really, tell them everything.  
  After a party, someone asked me "whose space" it was in, but I thought they were saying "Who's spaced", so I replied, "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty hungover".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Hey! Pay Up!        &nbsp;             
  I went home sick from school when I was in grade 6, and my mothers best friend came to look after me while my mum was at work. While I was lying in bed I decide to masturbate to make myself feel a little better. Halfway through my mum's friend comes into the room and sees me jerking the gherkin.  She asked if I called in sick just so I could masturbate. She told my mum.  
  if you ever find yourself in rio de janeiro, brazil, go sit in the beer garden outside the disco called HELP on copacabana beach. i absolutely positively assure you that it is impossible to keep count of the many lowbrow moments occurring near you and often to you. and from there, for around 40 u.s. dollars, you can go back to your hotel room and turn it into a haven for all types of sin. or so i heard.    
  I used to think I was the only one in the world who upon popping a zit would sometimes find a rock like amber thing inside the zit.  A few nights ago I was drunk at a party and this girl had on an amber necklace and I said "oh a zit stone" and she knew exactly what I was talking about.  We hugged, she is my good friend now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to buy weed from a dude that worked at Kwik-Mart. It was a real sweet set-up and we sort of became friends.  He invited me to a Halloween party so I had my artist friend airbrush my face and hands in a camo pattern. I then proceeded to wear a como jumpsuit & boonie hat. Thought that was cool.  Unbeknownst to me, someone slipped me some acid. Man I really started to peak and decided I needed to leave. I got about 3 blocks from his house and realized I shouldn't even be driving. So I parked in the parking lot of a small strip mall, and threw the keys on the floor in case the cops decided to hassle me.  I sat there for 3 hours, I'd start to feel like I could drive and then another wave of madness would engulf me. Then I noticed the cops walking the Mall, checking doors and giving me funny looks. At that moment I remembered I was all "camo'd" up and probably looking quite psychotic.  Put the keys in the ignition, got it between the white lines, and pointed the truck towards home.  I made it ok, but damn, that was some potent acid and those fuckers should've told me about it.  
  Looking around the company bathroom in need of relief, i saw the new men's urinal set in the middle of the room.  Round and deep, I tried to figure out how the damn thing flushed.  Noticed a lever at the bottom, and stepped on it.  Aha, that's how.  As I began to let the yellow stream flow, a fella came in.  He looked at me, and I nodded back in acknowledgment, and I beamed him a short grin as I proceeded with my business.  He didn't smile back, came up to the urinal, stepped on the lever, and began washing his hands.       
  whenever I see my parents, the tell me that they think I drink too much. They are right, of course, but I won't give them the satisfaction of being right.  
  for all my self-righteous egalitarian talk about how i respect women and would in no way wish to demean or humilliate them, i still really want to fuck one really hard and deep in the ass.   just once.  
  I was working in the mall the other day when I heard this disturbing "plopping" sound. I look up from behind the register only to see a St bernard taking a crap and it's owner desperately trying to pull it along. I felt sorry for the clean up crew, cause St. bernards drop mounds of crap   
   I work with teenagers in a library and I'm constantly having to nag them about their behavior.    I try to do it with a sense of humor,because that seems to work better.  One day after telling a group of kids to quiet down for the zillionth time, I walked up to them and       asked them why the heck they had been laughing their heads off for the last hour and a half.  No one would tell me.  I threatened to kick them out if they didn't,so one of them finally broke down.  "Nice panties!" he said. (I had the back of my skirt tucked into my pantyhose.)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Love...  Love is when you take it up the ass, despite the fact that you have a perfectly good pussy you're dying to use instead.  Love is when you suck it, not thinking about the fact it had been up your ass just the night before.  Love is when, the next day, you have that awkward moment in which you realize you've sucked on something that's been up your ass -- and realize you don't care.  That said, I now understand why they say only fools fall in love.  
  Grocery clerk entry #5: Yesterday a woman came to my register that looked like she was wearing a hemp choker necklace.  I later noticed that it didn't gop all the way around her neck, but only in the front.  It was a scab and it looked as if her throat had been cut or she had tried to hang herself.  I found out from another employee that she had been walking down the aisles laughing out loud near hysterics when she was alone. I have to get another job.  
  Seeing graffiti on the bathroom door of Insomniac coffeehouse in L.A. that read, "Down with girls with long hanging labia!"    And then cracking up over it, thinking that was seriously funny.    
   Some frat brat must have read the one about my friend who was going to join his cousin's fraternity. Little punk signed me up for some greek order newsletter. Lemme tell you, that crap reads like it was written by a bunch of dickless catholic school boys. Oh, wait...        
  icarus an uncomplicated man banged into me after a brief and subdued discussion with the significant other a lithe and intelligently seductive self assured woman saying three words always make me paranoid and suspicious sorry  and trust me fucking bitch and sauntered out of the room stopping to shake hands with a couple of people smiling amicably saw him smoking a butt out near my car as i left he was blubbering like a baby too close to the sun         
  So out of the blue, i get an instant message from an attractive girl who lives in a neighboring city, 30 miles away, saying she saw my profile and was drunk, and wanted sex immeadiately.  We talked and talked for about 30 minutes, her constantly saying how badlt she needed it, etc, etc.  While i wasn't keen on driving 30 miles at 3 am, i figured i'd at least talk to her more for fun, who knows?  Finally, i flirtatiously ask her, "So, are you all alone?".  "No,  i'm here with my boy."  "You have a boyfriend?"  "No, my little boy."  "How old is he?"  "Three."  "How old are you?"  "Eighteen."  Fortunately, she passed out about 5 minutes later.  
  So I'm sitting here at the record store, killing time online, when these three hooligan 'tweens come in. As they're looking around, one realizes he has to sneeze. He purposely turns his head to sneeze on his friend right next to him. The sneeze hits the side of his friend's head directly.   I was entertained.  
  i think i finally figured out my lowest moment.  when i was in 10th grade, there was this girl named renee who befriended me.  she'd seen me in the halls and somehow we became friends. before i go any further i must tell you that renee is bi racial (and bi sexual but i found that out later).  renee was going to sleep over my house one saturday night, but during the afternoon she was going to the zoo with some friends. well around 5pm the car pulls up into my driveway and while renee is getting her stuff out of the trunk, the other two girls start to show me polaroids they took at the zoo of all the various animals.  me being as bright as i am was going to say "oh a picture of renee!" to whatever animal they showed me first.  i thought this would be clever.  turns out the first one they showed me was of a zebra.  so i blurted it out. "oh look! it's renee!"   i honestly had no idea that i had said anything wrong.  the other two girls had their mouths gaping open in disbelief.  i still didn't know what i said wrong until i looked at the photo again.   i apologized profusely, and renee being the cool chick she was didn't have a problem with it, because she totally recognized i had no idea what i had just said.     later that night she spent a half hour brushing my hair and feeling my neck.  then she tried to kiss me.   ah...the joys of being young and naive, and lowbrow.    Ash.   
  The ex and I went to the movies after he broke up with that barbie Doll and we ended up having sex.  "Damn" he said, "I promised myself I wasn't going to let that happen."  "Me too."   "I even masturbated before we met." he said.  "Me too."  So, we fucked again.  
  some roadside gasstationammoliquorstore in buttfuck west virginia  circa nineteeneightynine pull up and get a quart of oil for the bleeding s ten a mullethead walks up and bums a smoke and procedes toward the door of the fine establishment a late seventys rusted ford onefifty rolls up and the mullethead starts running truck stops and in seconds the two passengers drag the mullethead outta the store the beefyhanded ford truckers pummel the skinny mullethead and drive off leaving him in the dust of the dirt lot he gets up and walks over and asks for another cigarette sure why dont you just get a pack they wont let me buy anything in there no more dood time to leave town like yesterday   
  "A wood floor is something I could fall in love with," he says.  I raise my eyebrows.  "I mean, I can clean cat puke up with Windex."  
  i'm disappointed that my free hotmail account now gets more "get out of debt" spam than porno spam.  
  So the crazy bitch next door decided enough was enough and called the cops on my friends she said stuck eggs up her tailpipe. She said she felt her life was in danger. Of what? Leaving omlets on the side of the road? Then I saw her on the side of the freeway, broke down.   And in my rearview mirror, I saw her waving.  She's never mentioned it to me.   
  Being the geek I am, I got a new gell pad for my wrists while I'm typing for Christmas. So anyhow I decided how long the old one would stretch since it's cover had long since come off. So here we are my dad and I standing in the hall with a stretched out gel pad at least 20 ft. long. The fucker let go and it smacked me straight on the balls.  Damne fucker see if I do anything with him anymore.  
  One day i was walking down the street with my friends, Matt and Vinnie and some other people. All of a sudden this REALLY REALLY REALLY old lady drives up next to us in a really old buick. She rolled down the window and asked us what we were doing. I told her we were going to someone's house to hang out. She then asked if there was going to be beer. As a joke i said yes.   Then she asked if she could come too.  
  Me and a friend are sitting around his house drinking...  (we have a tradition that whenever we have a glass bottle with booze in it and it gets emptied then it gets put on the shelf at my house.)  when suddenly we have a realization. We don't drink to get drunk anymore. We just drink for the bottles. That doesn't make us alcoholics, does it?  
  Pulling into the gas station after 10 straight days of working 16 hours, I was paying for my coolant with laundry quarters while four paychecks laughed at me back home because I had no time to cash them and the atm card's de-magnitized.  The homeless guy washed my window for free and said, "It'll pick up soon, baby."  
  Americans are dumb.  I can't believe it took us that long to figure out that the purple Teletubby is gay.  
  Of course, we all know we aren't chatting with an 18-year-old girl named Cassie from Santa Barbera who looks just like Alyssa Milano. It's actually Mitchell from accounting in Underwriter's Laboratory Kalamazoo who goes 235 and looks more like J.T. Walsh and buys the XL size granny panties from the Sear's catalogue to fantasize in while typing one-handed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Room full of business owners and entrepreneurs: Suits, sport coats and polished shoes. Lecture on giving presentations to the money-men.  ("Hi. My name is Bob. We make widgets. We make the best widgets. Please give us money so we can make more widgets.")  Lecture is over and the school sends in a representative to sell us on their whole program. Said representative is a 200lb female in tight jeans and a bright orange tee shirt that states, "of course I'm paranoid."  
   i'm standing at the grill making philly cheese steaks.  my co worker is in the parking lot screaming into her cell phone at her boyfriend. my boos is behind me screaming into his cell phone at his dad.  i remember thinking "i'm surrounded by some kind of futureistic insanity"       
  Because there are 31 kids in the class, and only 30 seats, I'm the scavenger of the group (I got switched over to this class, so I didn't have a seat designated for myself).  Usually I sit up at the front of the class, but today, someone was absent, so I got to sit in at a normal desk.  It was next to someone I knew, though I didn't want to in a way.  But it was a seat nonetheless, so I took it.  "Oh, God!" I think to myself, "did I reek like this all day? (panics) But after PE I put on deodorant and even some fragrance.. People must hate being near me!"  I walk out of my seat to prepare a slide.  Wow.. the smell's gone.  Back at the seat.  I try to pretend I'm fixing my hair while secretly checking to see if that rancid odor is coming from me.    Chris, the guy I'm sitting next to, gets up to get a second slide.  Freshness again!  Mystery solved!        
  Mike has just got a job in the $1 Store. It is his first job in three years. "People buy things that are precious to them here," he tells me. When I go in to visit him, I see a man buy Fart Gum, and a woman unsuccessfully search for cheap red construction paper for her son to make last minute valentines.        
  Yeah I wonder how many hours of my life have been spent lingering in one spot just because a girl has a low-cut blouse.  
  Day after I close on my Spencer, NY, farm, I drive to "downtown" Spencer for some supplies.  Fill my cart with food and cleaning stuff, then look for the beer aisle.  Can't find it, so I ask.  Staffer: "Beer aisle? One town over."  Spencer is a  dry  town?! How come nobody warned me?  I wonder if it's too late to get an anullment on the closing...  
  the old lady stopped by the tall glass doors adjusting the strap of her bag on her arm.  i was in a hurry and opened a door and walked through holding it open and looking back at the lady, who scowled at me and muttered under her breath.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  come flying around the corner and (very skillfully) veer into a parking spot. get out of my car and the dungeons and dragons looking middle aged man asks me: "THINK YOU COULD GO ANY FASTER?" i look down at my 180hp GTI. look back at him. "yes" i say. i swear, steam almost came out of his ears, but he didn't have a damn thing to say to that.  
   If you make strong coffee and it smells like dog shit, you need to buy better coffee.  Or buy coffee from somewhere were they don't mix shit among the grounds.    
  WARNING:  TOO CLEAN FOR YOU ANAL TYPES  I drink Coors.  
  When she asked me why i had 20 packs of Koolaid in my backpack i said nothing.  When the girl next to her asked why my tongue was blue I looked at her seductively and licked my calculator.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         only the ones who dont shamelessly attempt to sell themselves as the god or the girl or the guru are the ones worth the price          
  18th birthday.  drunk.  two cars.  bunch of friends.  a lot of eggs.  egging everything... pedestrians, car dealerships, other vehicles,  denny's, andsoforth.  finally, someone chases us... two hicks... in a pick-em-ep truck.  chase us for miles, at least thirty or forty.  hurling eggs at them all the time.  friend, behind the rednecks, hanging back.  speed racing, i don't let them gain on us.  they give up... persistant, but defeated.  as they turn off: egg, out the driver window of my friend's dodge diplomat, 60 miles per hour, perfect aim.  chase resumes.  i let my friend pass me, let the hicks catch up, get next to me. they went away pretty quick when i showed them my .357 magnum replica airgun.  
   My Fighting History #12  I'm sixteen, and walking around downtown Prestwick, Scotland, with my best geek friend*, we see a local gang approaching us.  Some little fourteen year-old wants to hang out with them, so he's trying to prove how tough he is.  He confronts the two of us, challenging us to a fight.  We'd normally laugh, but with six gang members watching, we deline and walk away.  Two days later, he attacks on his own, in front of the police station.  This is unbelievable. I let him hit me a few times to make sure he's serious...  ...then I hit him so hard I break my watch.  He jumps up, almost bowing with deference, picks up the pieces of my watch and hands them to me. Won't stop saying "sorry sorry sorry..."  I soon find out that his big brother is the town head case, similar to Begbie in "Trainspotting," and I am in  serious  trouble (keep clicking...)  --------------------  *same one who planted the bomb at our graduation ceremony -- keep clicking.  
  i recently browned some ground beef and then decided i didn't have anything to go with it.  i added enough grape jelly to make a sludge and wolfed it down straight.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          So I was on break at work this summer chilling with a buddy of mine who had come by to grab some lunch when we decided to actually sit down and calculate the sheer number of crimes and felonies we've each commited. I think by the end of it my count was up around 6 or so felonies, and many misdemeanors (seperate crimes not how many counts of each) but nothing too serious, my buddy on the other hand... He was somewhere around 13 or so felonies and many, many, many misdemeanors. For a lower-middle class Jewish kid living in the Jersey suburbs he had everything from Statutory Rape, Smuggling, Dealing very controlled substances, Arson, Robbery, Pimping a couple of girls out to friends for drugs, and many many more. Oh yah, and for that final little touch of lowbrow-ness his mother is a drug-counselor/nurse who confiscates kids drugs and takes them herself as well as stealing sandwiches from the patients. God I love Jersey  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Tomato festival in my town.  Another excuse for people to get together, shut down the roads to downtown for the weekend, get drunk, and act like asses.  They bring out porta-potties so as not to inundate the local businesses with people yearning to leave something behind.  They were all from the same company:  M&M Sanitation Company.  I have never eaten M&M's again.  Especially the peanut ones.  
  Browsing in the bookstore, I heard a 20ish certifiable former high school cheerleader use the word  womans .... as in  all of my teachers are womans .   that's rough.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why do I keep my 3 cats?  I might as well put a box of shit in the corner of the room and throw away  50 every month.  
  I recall one night at college where I was having sex in my dorm room with my Roomate's Girl Friend:  My roomate's bed was a toss of tangled sheets/blankets so we thought we had the room to ourselves.  Well alarmingly mid-coitis I hear a moan and catch movement out of the corner of my eye. This was followed by an arm extending from the tangle of sheets on my roomate's bed.  Needless to say I ground to a halt and was contemplating what I could do to cover the fact that I had my cock in his girl. A moment later a second arm poped out from under those sheets. There was another groan and then a Third arm came into view.  My only thought at this point was: Cool. And I went back to work.  
  lying flat on my back in the softly lit room,  watching the marijuana flourish in the skylight  as a sexy dreadlocked boy gave me head........i  contemplated how things have changed  somewhat since i left home.  
  I've known for years that my girlfriend is paranoid that when we get popcorn at movie, I intentionally steal the best kernels from her.  It was only recently, however, that I discovered how much she's analyzed this perceived problem...   She holds the popcorn bag.  And, to mix the butter evenly she periodically performs what - I recently learned - she has dubbed "the popcorn shuffle."  Shaking the bag, so that every kernel is adequately coated with butter-like substance.  What she told me after our last movie outing was that, I always take the popcorn right after the popcorn shuffle, when she feels it is in its ideal state.  In order to help alleviate this problem, my very special girlfriend - and this is where I start worrying that she has unresolved issues - attempts to "muffle the shuffle."  She actually used that phrase, "muffle the shuffle."   This is not normal.     
  I was at a bar with a group of guys I know and one of them blurted out, "You're too tall to be feminine."  This really hurt my feelings, so I reasserted my feminity by punching him in the stomach.  I figure, if I were any less feminine, they would have kicked me out of the bar for fighting.  
  "someone's gonna have to masturbate tonight"  "whoa" i think, "howd she read my mind?"  wait, she was talking about herself. i dont know if i should be flattered or pissed.  
  Lowbrow moment #1.  Ever had your parent's VCR break for no fucking reason?  Now imagine having your VCR break with your porn inside of it, trapped like a caged animal.  Me and a buddy of mine spent an entire afternoon learning the mechanics of the VCR before we said fuck it a pryed it out with a crowbar.  Needless to say, the VCR remains broken to this day.    
  Out walking today, I saw a crowd gathered around a teenage girl who lay in pain on the pavement, having just become the victim of a hit-and-run driver.  It was obvious from the funny pretzel look of it that her leg was broken, and she was shrieking in pain. Everyone was asking each other what did they see, did they get the license number, etc... and all I wanted to know was where did she get her hair cut?  Cos if you can get hit by a car and your hair still looks that good, I'd like to find out how.   
  "I still have my self-respect and dignity," he claimed. "I've never done crack." ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         college english comp class.   20 chairs in a circle. Exercise in writing honestly. My turn comes up. I tell the class that I would love nothing more than to tickle-fuck the professor.  I am now having a hard time getting my transcripts sent to another school. Fucking honesty.  
  "So...you dating anyone?" say I after about 2 hours of interesting flirtations and talk.  "Oh yeah, I got a picture of him you wanna see?" says she.  So she has a boyfriend, that doesn't mean she's off-limmits, just gonna take a little more work so of course I say,"Sure"  So she pulls out a picture of her boyfriend...actually a picture of his dick. His gigantic, epic-proportioned, whale dick. I think it was almost as big as a babies arm.  All I can say is,"wow"  All I can think is there is NO WAY I am following that monster.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The mother's and mine conversation's are kind of chain related. One thing leads to another, but to the other person the new topic seems really out there. So we're talking about economics, then medication, then insurance, then... Mom: My insurance doesn't cover pregnancy, so don't get pregnant.   Yeah  because, you know, that's my general goal as a virgin.  
  I once ate cat food.  Sheba.  With trout or something like that...  It was good.  Tasted like deviled ham and tuna.  I'd do it again in a heartbeat.       
  My brother in law confesses to me (in a drunken stupor...) that I am the "coolest brother in law he has ever had."  Lets review the others: 1: M.S. is a 28 year old loser who can't hold a job more than two weeks. 2: S.C. is a pot smoking control freak who teaches his 3 year old that its ok to smoke weed and piss on the neighbor's car. 3: J.C. (never officially married into the family, but close enough) is a raging alcoholic who got kicked out of the military and now drinks until he passes out every night. Also the source of many jokes at parties.  Based on my competition, I feel like I just won a spelling bee at the Special Olympics...  
  I had never waited so long.    For months I had admired her from a distance, amazed that one so beautiful could seem so alone.  We went home after an office party.  In the morning I thanked her.  "No problem", she said, "I can't wait to tell my asshole fiancee in San Francisco."      
  My friend told me about a tennis partner of his, that told HIM about a masterbation technique where you sit on your hand until it goes numb, then go to town on yourself. It's appropriatly dubbed "the stranger"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my sister bought "ear candles" they're long pieces of paper rolled up into a thin cone shaped. you poke a hole through a paper plate and put it through. then you LIGHT it. let it burn until it's 4 INCHES away from your HEAD. it's supposed to be like a massage or something. who the fuck lights something on fire and puts it in their ear?  
  Game 6 of the 1986 World Series.  Unfortunately, I have to be in Manhattan that night.  I go to a bar that fills up rapidly with diehard Mets fans.  I figure that if I keep quiet, nobody'll know.  Of course, at the first Red Sox hit, I roar.  Place goes silent, a hundred heads swivel around. Guy sitting next to me rubs his hands and says: "Vant to make a bet?"  Everybody was actually very nice to me, even when the end was imminent, and I was standing on the bar waving the hundred-odd dollars our bet had risen to, screaming  One more out! One more out!   (If you're not a baseball historian, but you'd like to plumb the real depths of this moment, do a Google search for the phrase "Bill Buckner")  
  Someone asked me once, "Do you give head on the first date?"  I answered "Oh, you're supposed to go on a date first?" They laughed hard like I was joking.    I was serious.  
  i was dying for a drink and stopped in a little toothless old man bar somewhere on the outskirts of syracuse i walked in and managed to get a shot of rot gut and a sixteen ounce pabst for a buck and a half classy joint after about a half an hour the local construction workers showed up looking to beat on the only guy in the bar they didnt recognize aka me i bought the whole place a round for fifteen bucks and got into a turkey calling contest with three of them never turkey called in my life amazing what you can do when facial rearrangement is on the line        
   A few random lowbrow quotes from my wonderfully degenerate work environment:   sq: "Cleaner and I are at that 'share-the-viscosity-of-your-bowel-movements' level in our relationship."  ks: "I'm gonna open your skull and show you the stupid parts."  dn: "I hate kids.  I saw this kid riding back and forth on his bike, up and down the street in front of the house, so I went out and pushed him over."  mf: "You have to suck very good cock in order to have me open the firewall for you."  jl: "There's a new type of subatomic particle.  It's the Oppression particle. And there seems to be a high concentration of them in my cubicle."  sq: "My headphones suck dick." ks: "Oh.  (pause)  Hey... can I borrow your headphones?"  jl: "I had a dildo for breakfast.  What did you have?"  sq: "You should go pursue that nine-year-old at the icerink." jl: "No, she wasn't that cute at all.  (pause)  Oh, and she was only nine anyway."  jl: "What's this movie?  Is this Conan?  I've never actually seen this, who plays Conan?"  cy: "I can see how this genuine, nonrhetorical question, without tonal/facial cues, could be erroneously interpreted as hostile."  cy: "That's the problem with Mom jokes - they're just so easy." am: "Your mom is easy." cy: "See what I mean?"  jh: "I didn't realize I was homosexual until I started drinking."  sq: "Where the hell were you when I needed you?  I was trying to drive the electric screwdriver into his crotch, and I needed help holding him down!" th: "I looked back, and you looked like you were doing okay."  am: "To balance the fruity goodness of having everything come together, we are gonna go break some things now."  jh: "Who's got attitude right now?  Who?  Me. It's Me.  Anybody want to fuck with me right now?  No!  The answer's No."  am: "Can you start the question again?  I was too busy wanting to kill you to hear what you said."  rg: "Throat me, squint-eye."  rb: "I like my women like I like my coffee." sq: "Dark and Bitter?" rb: "Drunk."  mm: "If anyone in the office has a baseball bat, dial 176."  th: "Secret of Monkey Island their ass." sq: "'Secret of Monkey Island' is a verb?"  sq: "Can somebody demonstrate the random horror bug for me?" rb: "I don't think so.  It's random.  (pause)  Potato.  (pause)  There, that was random." am: "...and this is why we fail."  rg: "Good fences make good neighbors, Bitch."  jh: "I have been belittled to a loathesome, degenerate whoreson.  A loathesome degenerate whoreson is what I am."  rg: "The power of Christ compiles you."  hj: "Nilla wafers - the other white meat."  am: "I've been getting by on good looks and creativity these past few days." sq: "Wow.  You must be extraordinarily creative."  sq: "I'll bet you three pennies out of that plastic cup against your eternal soul that that's not the case." jh: "Let's go."  jl:  "What is that?" sq:  "It's a tattoo of Willie Nelson." jl:  "Where's the penis?" sq:  "Um, I think you got the wrong gender.  It's female." jl:  "Oh.  (pause)  Is that a tattoo?" sq:   "God DAMMIT." -- ten seconds later -- jl:  "Who's Willie Nelson?"  ld: "I will flog you with this fucking pixie stick if you make baby jesus cry."  jl: "I'm here to make your job easier." rg: "But...  that's not my job." jl: "I'm here to make what's not your job easier."  jl: "why isn't josh in the game?" ld: "because your mom's underneath his desk, sucking his dick." jl: "why aren't you in the game?" ld: "because your grandma's underneath my desk, waiting for mine." jl: "my grandmother's dead, dude." ld: "oh, so that's why her lips were so dry."  jm: "I'm just saying, if you wanna get it on with my sister, you gotta give me your cock in a box."  rg: "Programmer underscore humor."   
  so i was at the dentists.  sitting in the chair, talking to the young, attractive nurse.  she asked me if i had been having any particular problems with my teeth.  i informed her, truthfully, that my teeth had been doing quite well, thanks.  then, after sitting in the chair for a minute or two searching in vain for the right phrase, i stated very matter-of-factly that "my teeth are great, but i think the dentist is going to eat me out because of my gums."  after she laughed at me for a few moments, she pointed out that i most likely meant "chewed out", not "eaten out".  talk about freudian slips.  
  To date, I have made approximately $63 selling my panties.  Without even trying.  
  i have pinpointed the moment that human civilization peaked or reached its zenith: it occured the moment he let out his last pump of semen from his 16th orgasm of the day. this man singlehandedly managed to masturbate sixteen times in one 24 hour period of our global culture's existence. its all downhill from here, folks. and we have him to thank.  
  New Years eve. Board a bus after a double shift to get back home.   "Watch out for that." says the guy across the aisle from where I'm about to sit down.  Thinking I'm about to sit in somebody's leftover Popeye's order or other yuck, I take a quick look at the seat.   "Cool" I exclaim as I pick up the unexpected item. A small, crappy, metal pot pipe.   "I haven't needed one of those in about fifteen years!" the guy says, humorously.  Took it home and my roommate looked on in disgust as I proceeded to scrape out some of the wettest, tarriest resin I've ever seen, ball it up, put it right back in the bowl, and smoke it.  I got so fucking high off that shit.      
  Every woman I know has had a yeast infection before.  You go to the store you buy those messy, icky stinky creams and shove them up your twat and pray that you'll fall asleep before you drive your self crazy scratching that never ending itch till your vagina is raw and bleeding.  You get sick of that so you go to the doctor and get a little pink pill that takes about 24 hours to take effect (for about a fee of anywhere from $80-$100 including exam)...or you can do what I discovered...yogurt.  Plain, white, unsweetened yogurt with active cultures. Experimentation led me to the best method.  I tried shoving the yogurt up there with a spoon but that didn't do much...then I got the brilliant idea to soak a tampon in yogurt and get a nice, thick yogurty coating on it and then shove it up my cooter.  The yogurt was cool and soothing and I shit you not it worked within one day.  That nasty infection was gone and I haven't had one since.  This was two years ago.    Think about that next time you're eating yogurt!  That shit has been in my vagina!  
  It's 101 degrees The grass is brown the locusts are in the trees. My summer memories were not of waking at 6 am to go outside They were of dreary and stuffy days.   Spent praying for sunset.   They were of feeling dizzy after running of heatwaves rising in every direction. They were slow and sluggish and sticky with sweat.  
  she messaged me w/ the site: look at this!  oh my God!  i know those girls aren't over 18... i can't believe how exploitive the are... it's just disgusting.  i messaged back w/ some kind of vague agreement w/ her... and bookmarked the site for later.  
  Me: I NEED ice cream BADLY  EL: and thats healthy food?  Me: Hey I said i NEED it. Didn't say I was GOING to eat it.  EL: Hehehe  Me: I'm like a recovering crack addict....only my drug is sssssoooooooo much nicer.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Someone wrote and asked me flat-out if my moments were true ones. Yes, for the most part, they are. I leave it to you to figure out which are real and which are embellished.  I also leave it to you to worry if I live near you and have too much free time on my hands.  
  "as a redhead, i think the most common question i get asked, aside from "do you dye your hair that color?" is "what color is your pubic hair?"  i get this question more often from guys than from girls. what the fuck dudes? what's with the fascination of my pubes?   I'M A FIRECROTCH. big fuckin deal.   damn i wish i'da been able to say that with confidence in my pubescent years, instead of turning beet red and having everyone laugh at me."  WORD UP. I've been called firecrotch since before it was fucking true. Everyone over 30 seems to envy my hair, but I would trade it in an instant.  
  I was on patrol one night and drove around the ballpark like usual.  There was a car parked behind the bushes gently rocking back and forth.  Well I went over to break up the love fest. I turned on the lights and pulled up next to them.  I get out and walk over to the drivers window.  He rolls it down.  I apologize and walk away.  It was my chief getting it on with one of his daughters best friends.  To bad hes divorced  or i could black mail him.  
  I have been a caddy at an exclusive golf course for the last couple of summers.  There's a few things I have learned.  1) Old people should not have access to cars with engines greater than 150 hp and/or with a price tag of more than $15000.  2) In any service industry, if you find yourself kissing someone's ass simply because they will hit you with a sizable tip, its not worth it.  Treat them like everyone else or less than they are worth.  You'll feel better when you receive nothing and when you give the super rich bastards a taste of reality.  3) Don't size people up before you try to start a conversation with them.  After the first sentence is initiated, grounds for prejudice are officially open.  4) Being wealthy isn't the yellow brick road to happiness; its the path to perpetual self-consciousness and assholishness.  Its also the trail towards being fashionably unsensible.  5) Complaining does not yield results in most cases.  In fact it often causes more disagreeable occurrences to happen upon you.  Sometimes the puppets control the puppetmasters.  6) Walk and enjoy being alive.  I know many ways with a loose golf club to easily impair mobility for months or years.  
  Men,  Just so you know - if a girl/woman "just lies there" it's usually an indicator that   1. She has very little experience and is terrified to do something wrong 2. She's just trying to get this over with & get out.  (and usually #1) So have a little patience fergawdsake.    One good, patient, understanding lover in the first year or two of sexual activity can make a WORLD of difference.   
  Once in a sex-induced state of stupid optimism, I gave him a really nice silver ring, all skulls in a circle. I really liked that ring. I hope someday I get to see him languishing in a coma in some sleazy hospital, so I can steal it back from him.  
  I'm getting head one day from my girlfriend of 9 months, and I'm about to cum.  She hates it when I cum anywhere in her, so to be nice while she was on her period, I say "ok" and tap her on the shoulder...  Just as she's pulling off, it squirts her in the eye.  It took me several sessions of me going down on her for her to even think about returning the favor...  
  We came into the world defenseless, so God gave us baseball bats... well, he gave us trees, but we knew what he meant.  
  standing in bloomingdales coming down the escalator i witness a hilarious scene:  two young boys are standing single file, they must have been 4 or 5.  Their mothers buying tons of unnecessary cosmetics only to make themselves look more "natural" the boy in "the back of the line" starts repeating the phrase: "hey chicken... hey chicken" about 20 times.  the boy in the front of the line stands uneffected by this obnoxious mantra, until he swivels around, infuriated only to scream: "STOP CALLING ME CHICKEN!!"  the boy n back goes bright red and sweetly and innocently says: im not calling you chicken... im calling meeee chicken! and continues to repeat his mantra....  kids say the darndest things :)  
  i once had this crush on this girl at school, so much so i remeber she said once that she loved chocolate..no big deal, it was in context of a conversation we all had at the lunchtable...anyway...a couple of weeks later my friends and i go ice skating and she is there with some of her friends from school. she comes over and i'm nervous as hell as to what to say...she starts (thank god)  talking and says HI!...and i blurt out is "hey chocolate lover!!...thinking it was a safe  reply....she turns and looks at her friends who are like 20 feet away and especially at one friend who happens to be black...ouch...she must have thought i was kkk grandmaster in training....b4 i put 2 and 2 together ...her skates were on a direct course for my pre-teen ballz...whatta bummer, she was hot also...         
  I asked some male friends of mine:  When a guy takes a shit, do his balls hang down into the toilet?     One responded: Depends on how high the water is... sometimes they dip...too much poop makes the water rise.  Another responded: There's a reason the phrase is "shit, shower, shave" and not "shower, shit, shave"..cause that hot water makes your balls hang more.  I'm so glad I have a vagina.  
     Half the school was out there the night of the donkey basketball game. Watching to see me tear Jason apart. Big tough wrestler, ran from me. Ran around an entire block to get to the car behind me as his frined stalled me with pleads of mercy.      Romina has seen our year book and says hse has to meet him, he looks "gorgeous" or "cute" I do not remember which.  My friends say no to her. Probably for the best, if she ever does I still have to beat him bloody. I keep my promises.       
  "Despair is the one unforgivable sin, and it's the one that's always reaching for us."  Sam Peckinpah said that.       
  my friend is the most talented person i know. once, at a party she was hosting, she puked and farted at the same time. twice. in a row. my other friend, who is almost as talented, can imitate the noise perfectly.  
  When I was in junior high, I was a nerd.  Still am, but that's besides the point.  In junior high, I was a library aid-we were taught how to check books in and out.  We reshelved books, kept the library clean, etc...  I was a nerd, but I was a vindictive one.  If someone pissed me off, I'd check a book out under their name, and hide it somewhere that it would not likely be found.  So the person would rack up late fees, and wouldn't know it until the library sent them a notice, or they came to check out a book.  I miss those days.  
  When I was little, my mom and I "pet-sat" for her best friend, and their children. During their vacation, they called my mom to tell us that their van had been broken into. I couldn't understand the concept of being broken into. So I kept questioning how someone could break a van...in two. I pictured their van being cut inhalf.  
  a friend of mine from back home and i were talking..  we decided to write a book together  "how to lose friends and annoy people"   will be the title   i make myself sound like so much more of a loser than i actualy am :) and i like it     
  My best friend was on the top bunk passed out while I fucked her brother on the bottom bunk.  He had a broken leg and a big cast at the time.  It was dark so that when another friend came in he didn't see us right away and it wasn't until he had laid down on the other bed that he heard us.  He said "Are you guys fucking?"  "Um, yeah," we answered, and didn't stop.  Then he said, "Hey - is your sister up there available, man?"  
  August, 1999. My guy and I are wasted at a DSO show in a small Mountain venue.   All the good camp spots had been taken. So we slept, literally, on the side of the road.  No tent- just 2 adjoined sleeping bags - we decided to have sex,  and I guess we passed out in mid act.  I wake the next morning around 10am, to passing cars honking their horns.  I notice that we are sleeping perpendicular to the windy mountain road- in which the white line, marking the edge of the street- is a good 10 inches from where our heads are resting. Basically, we're sleeping with our heads in the road.  Cars whizzing by just inches from our skulls.  I look down to notice that my boyfriend's bare ass is hanging out of the sleeping bag, in full view for all passerbys. His waded up boxers lay a short distance from his pillow. Not only that, but I've got my leg hanging out of the other side of the sleeping bag, and a slinky pair of panties hanging off of my ankle.  Good Morning Ft. Collins, CO!     
  Joined the Mile High Club on the way from Philly to Orlando...   Had a stewardess come down and berate us because 'the bathrooms are for one person at a time'...   I don't recall reading that in the little in-flight handbook...  
  I've only used the phrase "You Can't Be Serious" maybe 20x in my whole life. Every time I did, though, they were.        
  My friend John was hired by a local convent to try to increase enrollment.  Next day, he gave them a one-page Powerpoint presentation.  A picture of the convent, superimposed with the slogan:  "You go, girl!"  The nuns went wild.  
  i think cruise control was created by a man who had a public masturbation fetish  
  "Salty like spam." "What?" I asked her. "I just remembered that you said sperm tastes salty. Like spam salty." "Why did you remember that right now?" "I'm not sure, but it still bothers me."  
  me and a buddy went to wallys in boston late to hear open mike nite they have the best talent wailing like its their only shot at the spotlight we drank a pile of rollingrocks played nicely with others and left two twenties as a tip the tender called us drunken white trash we were        
  When 6 rolled around, Dad and I were inside the Metreon, myself enjoying some of the best pasta I'd had in a very long time (cursed dorm food), and listening to the free entertainment we had sitting next to us.   A drunken schizophrenic elderly woman.   I didn't really notice at first, but she was talking out loud, rather loudly at that, to an imaginary companion. Dad got up momentarily to use the facilities, and I was left alone, 2 chairs away from this beast. I dropped a flyer on the ground I was looking at, reached down to get it, and realized she was trying to talk to me. I turned and looked at her, and got a blank, almost horrified stare in return. "You're....polluting the atmosphere!!...." she verbally stumbled. I remained indifferent and continued eating. "Carbon monoxide...fight the war....you know it.....there's a WAAAR going on out....there..."  My response:   "Do you mind?"   I threw in the glare of death just for kicks. This was getting kinda fun.   She kept talking to nothing, and I never looked over there again. Dad got back and I asked if he'd please find either a heavy, blunt object or 10000 mils of thorazine. Finding neither, we finished up lunch, and watched Queen Whacknut get up and act like a totally normal person, throw her beer can away, and walk out on the street, unleashing herself on the unsuspecting planet.  Time to go home.   
  I fall asleep with the light on and wake up to the strangest hissing sound outside. "Psssst." And again. "PSSST!" I peek outside and see the idiot across the street, the one I have to call the cops on all the time for having one of those gangbanger crackboy megabass stereos going full blast, he's somehow both locked his keys in his car and caught his hair in the doorjamb. He can't yell out for help because he and the wife got into a huge fight just that evening in the front yard, about how if he came home late and drunk ONE MORE TIME she was gonna castrate him and take the kids and leave. Thus, the sneaky psssst-ing in hopes someone will hear him and help out.  I go downstairs and tiptoe over to him, and he explains the keys and hair situation. "WHAT!?" I scream out as loud as I can. "Some whore did WHAT to you?" And to the sound of him cussing and his wife rampaging out into the yard, I trot on home.  They all moved out last week. I miss them.  
  women masturbate in the shower more so then men.  little known fact girls - male semen forms a kind of super glue when it comes in contact with water.  not the 'fun kind' of super glue either.  whatever the fuck that means.  
  We called it a roomate special. My three roomates and I were determined to get these bitches back for stealing some stuff from our room for a joke.  They apologized but the damage was done, so one of my roomates shit in a pizza box (with pizza in it), One roomate jacked off on the pizza, one roomate trimmed his pubes on it (as did 2 of us too) and I pissed all over it to finish it off.  What do you think they thought after we shoved it under their door during the middle of the night?  Dont fuck with college kids  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I little trend report for you I've noticed in the past few years:  Free porn sites for some reason, en masse, seem to go hugely anal and hardcore in the depths of winter and twilight of summer - but are predominately lesbian, teen and cumshot in spring and just before autumn ends in december.  What a whirrled.  
  Once I called up a radio station. It was funny because they were talking about politics. And my friend was talking about voting and stuff, and in the background I was just screaming profanity REALLY LOUD AND CLEAR. Then  I just grabbed the phone and started screaming into it, and we heard ourselves on the radio doing this about 15 seconds later. It was great.  
  telemarketer: Hi, miss, I'd like to discuss with you the benefits of our Visa card for--  me: What are you wearing?  telemarketer: ....What...?  me: What....are....you...w e a r i n g?  telemarketer: Well...it's pajama day at work...so I'm, uh, wearing pajamas.  me: Oh, really? Like, are they hot? Like leather straps and shit?  telemarketer: Well, no, I save my leather straps for when I'm getting kinky in bed.  me: Oh, yeah? Damn, that's hot....but, yeah, I don't need a Visa card, thanks.    I should have talked him into phone sex, dammit. It would have been the best day at work that guy has ever had.   
   Waste Of Oxygen   Me: "You have no idea how actual human beings interact."  I can barely believe that StepDaughter still wants to take me on, not after last time. But here she is in my face again, telling me all about how I was to blame for the breakup of her mom and I. Takes me quite aback, and I have to think for a second. Me and my mouth have to think for exactly one second: " Please tell me one thing that you have contributed to the world. I mean, other than shit, piss, and carbon dioxide. " Ooh -- that one went in all the way, past that surly little sullen facade. She might have to find her brain and turn it on for a while before she can answer that one. Tell me -- do I sound bitter?  
  No, no, no, my friends. It's:  WWODBD  What would Ol' Dirty Bastard do?  You may not do the most virtuous things or the smartest things or even the most sane things, but your life will be interesting. You have my guarantee on that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Got an email from someone regarding my posts, telling me I must be the worst person in the universe and god help me if I ever needed any kindness or mercy, considering the things I've done. Let me clue you in, honeybunch. I never expect kindness or mercy, I give three times as good as I get, and I don't do anything if there is ever a chance I'll get caught. It's called survival.  And I'd just love to know where you live.  
  One time when I was about 16 I got this totally awful stomach virus.   Right in the midst of it, I was on the throne taking a massive liquid dump when I realized I felt like I had to puke too. I didn't know it was possible to have half-digested stuff coming out of both ends of your body, but it is.  So there I am on the can, with puke welling up in my throat, and I can't get up cuz I'm basically still crapping, so I try to aim my puke for the little hole between my crotch and the front rim of the toilet.  Puked all over my dick.  And lemme tell ya, puke has lots of acid in it, and its about 98.6 degrees. My dick burned for hours afterwards.  Actually, I probably had a fever, so I bet it was hotter.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Another actual phone conversation:  ring  me: Hello? voice of a young boy: May I speak to Christopher? me: Speaking. yb: Dakota? me: What? yb: Faucet. me: WHAT??? yb: I think I got the wrong number. me: Yeah!    
  What most people don't realize is that most of our economy is floating on the black market. Take the street value of an ounce of quality marijuana. It's about $300 an ounce. An ounce of gold is only worth about $320.00.  If the ounce is broken up into quarters or 8ths, as it often is, the actual value of an ounce is also $320.00.  Therefore, the presence of "kind" marijuana sales undermines the supremacy of gold as the monetary standard.  Hmmm, same value as gold, much easier to produce, and much more useful in many respects.  Still wonder why hemp is illegal?  Its one of the few ways remaining for a man to support himself tax free, and earn a profit . . .  
  me-"I don't care what anyone says.  That restaurant is a shit hole.  You couldn't pay me enough to eat in that damn place."  work partner sitting behind me: "that's my mom's restaurant."   oops  
  walking through the mall the other day with some friends, we passed the teenage girls section on the way out to the food court. what i staggered me, the mannequin with the green tank top was designed to be "nipping" when did this become standard practice?   
        I live here.  Communal showers, 3 check-in's every night.  Homosexual activities up the wazoo.  Mandatory roommates. Sounds like prison, doesn't it?   
  I'm amused by these fourteen year olds calling themselves 'straight edge'.  You're too young to be running around drinking, smoking and fucking at that age anyway, You're straight edge by default.    Not that I suggest you don't drink/smoke/fuck etc if you want.  Go knock yourself out kids!      
  Back in the days before Photoshop and Quark...I used to actually paste up my own designs.  I worked at an old downtown building with a Roach problem.  One night, while working late, I decided to take a break and do a little Roach Holocaust with a can of bug spray (Black Flag) to match the Black Flag CD I was listening to.  The little fuckers took FOREVER to die. I mean they were tough   so I decided to run a little experiment.  I got a squirt can of Bestine, which is (was) used to dissolve the wax used to stick down typeset copy. It's nasty stuff...works on the central nervous system.  I found one fat roach and dropped one little drop on his back and he immediately rolled over and curled up his legs.   If you need to kill a nasty tough bug, just use a little Bestine. It's the ultimate weapon.  
  In anatomy today, I noticed something odd that the teacher had done.  On the box in the corner, the one filled with the dead cats we'll discect, a sticker has been placed on the side. It reads:  "Stop animal cruetly." And has a picture of a kitten playing with a ball.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time at our lake house I was swimming by the dock when the guy I had a crush on all summer called me over to the dock.  He was sitting on the dock talking to me while I was still halfway in the water.  He told me I looked like a mermaid so I wasn't about to get out of the water and possibly miss a chance of him asking me out.   We were there talking for a long time and I had to pee so bad.  After fighting it for as long as I could I just let it go, figuring how would he ever know what I was really doing under the water.  I ended up dating him for two years and we are still really good friends.  I did end up telling him what I did that night.  He took it as a complement.  
  So I'm about to slip into the calm euphoria that only comes after receiving a blow job.  She usually doesn't swallow, so I laid back to let her run to the bathroom.  Just as my head hits the pillow, I hear her gargling.  
  I wear briefs.   When going to see my SO and sleep over for a night, I forgot my gym shorts. We swung out to mall and bought a pair of boxers. So, I now have these boxers, which are in my regular rotation of underwear.  Everytime I wear them, my balls get ultra-sweaty.   This drives me nuts. I can't understand why people prefer boxers over briefs if they get sweaty balls. Or does this just happen to me?  This is one of the great mysteries of life, I'm sure.  Meanwhile, pass me my tighty-whiteys.  
  i thought it'd be fun to have a friendly fight on the way to the coffeehouse, but i definitely shouldn't have eaten so much pizza beforehand when i stumbled in the door with two black eyes and my undershirt covered in blood it was hard to make it seem like a good idea  
  Since my brother and I moved away from home (and hence stopped living together), we've been much closer, and we've been able to talk about personal subjects without being *too* embarassed, like our late father and his bisexuality.  One day when he was visiting, my brother noticed a Large size condom I had lying around, right on the living room table. He asked about it, and I explained that a mutual friend had brought it over, because she thought I should try it on when I got the chance. She was always of the opinion that I had a bigger-than-average unit, and I think she realized that I was clueless in that regard. (Incidentally, I tried it on later, and she was right. It fit nice and tight, but it wasn't painful to put it on, which normal condoms always had been.)  I then explained to my brother that, as a final litmus test, I'd tried the toilet paper core test, which involves trying to fit your fully engorged unit into a toilet paper core. If it rattles around loose, your unit is thinner than usual. If it is snug, you're average. If you can't even fit it in, congratulations. You're a lumberjack. I explained to my brother that the toilet paper core test seemed to confirm what more than one partner had told me. I was big.  My brother responded quietly that he was, too.  There was a moment of shared realization of good fortune, and I simply said,  "Way to go, dad."  
  Talking to my ex boyfriend on IM last night.  He tells me that I'm beautiful, that I can have any guy I want, blahdy blahdy blah. Yet he dumped me. (that's a whole other story...)  Meanwhile, I'm trying to convince him I'm not... I'm sitting at my computer in sweaty, smelly dance warmups, stinking of BO and picking at the zits that have cropped up on my chin.  He is a tall, gorgeous, funny, endearing boy with dimples and a british accent.  The universe is really fucked up.  
  Ten lowbrow posts, about bars, in a row.        
  I was babysitting for these devout mormons I've known for a few years.  I was trying to find diapers and when I looked into their nightstand drawer I pulled out a nearly empty tube of KY jelly.  My first thought: Cool, Johnson and Johnson makes KY jelly.  My second thought: Should I really be holding this tube?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A brilliant invention, the "laid back", "playful" workplace.  Blur the distinction between work and play by putting a foosball or pool table in the office, replacing cubicles with open warehouse spaces, giving nerf guns to everyone, pretending not to care what time your employees show up or how they dress.  The distinction between work and play is now gone, and suddenly the poor, duped workers are putting in 60-80 hour weeks, because it's so much "fun", and don't feel the need to organize unions, because they're clearly so well treated.  I envy my dad who leaves at 5 every day, and changes out of his suit and - presto - is able to forget all about work.  Or my little sister, who is paid hourly, a retail sales job, so at least if she works an 80 hour week she's paid for it.  But who's going to listen to me whine?  I have a foosball table at work.  
  Late one recent evening of scotch-sipping and beer, about 6 six of us were competing with each other over who had the craziest grandmother.  "When I was about 3, I witnessed with my grandfather my grandmother purposefully hurl herself down a very long, outdoor flight of wooden stairs.  Broke her leg.  Looking back now I can guess she was pretty drunk."  Silence and wide eyes told me I had won.   
  You can be great in bed but if you don't hold me after, you're just as lame as designer impostor cologne.   
  In Safeway at 2 in the morning, buying BenGay and taco sauce, wandering in a fog of post-party, I find myself in the aisle where they sell stuff like spatulas and dishtowels.  A local comes staggering past, shorts at half-mast. He proceeds to pluck a pair of tongs off the wall, strip off the cardboard carrier, and shove them down the back of his shorts, scratching vigorously. Then he loudly blows his nose on one of the dishtowels.  An employee comes back and runs him off, then while I stand and watch, hangs the tongs and the towel back on the display.  You bet I double-checked the safety cap on the BenGay and taco sauce.   
  `What's the matter?' I ask. `If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you' she replies, face filled with anger.  From this, I can ascertain :   1) She's upset 2) At something I did, or didn't do. 3) I will have a very hard time extracting more information.  Look, I'm just a guy, all the brain matter that allows women to know what the hell each other is talking about is fully devoted to thinking about sex.   
  Sick of my coworker's swollen head over his new promotion, I got an inspiration. After he asked me yet another  pointless job-related question, I replied while staring directly at his crotch. I acted like his face was down there, and I aimed my reply right at it, 2 sentences' worth, in a normal tone of voice. Bigtime flinch! He spun almost all the way around in shock, to hide, damned near lost his balance, then turned halfway back, asking "What are you...doing?!?"(Not angrily, just completely laughably confused. Good.) I told him that since it was clear I was talking to a DICK, well hey!,I might as well talk TO a DICK,...! Message taken. Thereafter I addressed his face, and I had no trouble with him after that.         
  I was just listening to a song on the radio, and the guy singing says "I gotta launder my Kharma."  Just wondering if it would shrink in the dryer?  And can you use regular bleach, or do you have to get "kharma safe".    If it did shrink, you could sell it, but where would you get another?  damn artists  
        The last day of Anatomy class before Spring Break, we just finished studying the digestive system. My professor ended the class with :  "you've made it, you're out of the anus. Now have a good break"  by the way, he said the word "defacation" 14 times.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A pretty new recruit I'm training seems distracted one day (Hi Sue!):  Me: "What's on your mind?"  She: "Oh, there's just this guy working here that I have a crush on, but I never seem to come across him."  Me: "How about you get him to come across you?"  She: "Fine, but how do I do that?"  Me: "Wait until his eyes glaze over, then make him pull out." (sound of rimshot)  I expected her to slap me, or look horrified, but ...  She: "Oh, I get it.  OK, how do I go about making  that  happen?"  
  The day I see a movie where a girl actually fights an asshole guy instead of just kicking him in the nuts and getting some smart-aleck expression on her face is the day I involuntarily orgasm.  
  someone had me take a "sanity test" included was "have you ever set yourself on fire?" i think i did rather well i have only ever set others on fire        
  It was a pretty dysfunctional time of my life.  I was living with my ex.  Her new guy (who was actually a former ex) was coming by to take her to a concert at a famous local Vancouver venue - with a famous dance floor.   Months before she and I had been at a concert at the same venue.  Part way through our concert, she - standing in front of me - reached behind her and undid my fly in the dark (we were both wearing black) and pulled open the back of her wraparound.  The audience pogoing on that sprung floor did most of the work. So, this night, she comes out wearing that same black wrap around.  I thought of her going to a concert on THAT dance floor wearing THAT skirt with HIM.  I felt a my stomach turn.  I held back long enough to walk across the room to her, and then let go. There was no way she was going to the concert in a puke coated skirt.  She ended up wearing jeans.   That's about the time our friendship started to go the way of our sexlife.  
  I worked in a large warehouse type wholesale club at the cash registers. My supervisor always told me I should be more outgoing and chat with the customers as my co-worker Linda did. I told her about the time Linda was chatting with a woman who appeared very very pregnant.   "You look like you are about to pop! When's the baby due?" Linda inquired. "I'm not pregnant." said the woman "I have a stomach tumor."   The supervisor never nagged at me again.  
  I cleaned by tongue barbell with ethynol didn't rinse it and just put it back in my mouth.   discovered that ethynol gives you bad gas. w00t.  while making a drink for my bastard roomate Erik that weekend, I added a few drops of alochol to it.   and how.   
  She knew immediately that she would fall utterly, madly, irretrievably in love with him.  The smell of sulfur was overpowering.  
  I was on a chatline with a buncha name droppers.   "I met blah and blah at hamburger Hamlet."  "I waited on so and so at the deli where I work."  "I saw such and such at a stoplight."  I sat there for a moment and then posted, "I slept with the kid from the Sylvester stallone flick 'Over the Top'"  And they all said, "Uh....she wins."  
  I've learned that saying, "I know you can't help it, but that's not MY problem" can never really be said in a nice way.  
  I work at a drugstore. Today we got a replacement pharmacist. I hadn't seen her yet, so when she walked out of the pharmacy I took a good long look at her. She was huge, a big lady with an ugly face. Still, I am polite, "goodnight" I say as she passes by me. "GOODNIGHT" she booms in a deep manly voice.   My mouth drops open.  Two coworkers bust out of the offive laughing their asses off.  My suspicions are confirmed.  
      i'd say to jay leno:  stop looking at your note cards, dammit.  it is slightly obvious.  same for you, conan    
  the back store room at the local Papa john's. its me, my friend, my friend that works there, and his boss. we have a good old time passing the bowl around and i think to myself "now this is a lowbrow moment."        
  i just saw gallagher doing a loanmax commercial where they edited in "hassles" and "credit check" as objects he was able to smash with a large mallet.  'nuff said.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was interviewed by a fat man with one of those goatee and mustache facial hair patterns that became so popular seven or five or six years ago, a ring of hair around his mouth.  It has been my experience that anyone who has this particular style of facial hair nowadays is an asshole. His mouth is like the other hole in his body that has hair around it, and both holes expel the same materials.  To me, this facial hairstyle says of the wearer,  I am a cocky asshole.  I have this sinister looking facial hair to signify this.  If you address me, I shall scowl at you and stick out my chin, stroking the hair there, thinking of how cool I look.    
  A cop follows me home from the Brewpub. I'm purty good at Math and Organic Chemistry, so I know that 3 pints of Pale Ale in 90 minutes, divided by 195 lb, comes out to something like 0.7, while the Federal limit for DUIA (Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol) is 0.8*. Way too close. Since I'm already fighting an  unfair  DWI (they faked the results! Honest!), I decide to put on my own sobriety show. Instead of turning left into my narrow, unlighted alley, I turn right, then reverse 100yds down the alley with the cop following right along. I reverse all the way up my steep, very narrow driveway and around my motorhome to my parking spot. Perfectly. I shut off the engine and get out. The cop, watching from the bottom of the driveway, gives me a crisp salute and takes off to find easier game. -------------------- *Which is another answer to the guy here who complains that his high school education is totally useless to him in real-world situations :-)  
  As a hippie I went to see Timothy Leary in a "debate" with one of the Watergate figures at the campus in Berkeley.  It was mildly interesting with a laff or two here and there.  Then, about a month later, I read that they were debating again at a place in another part of the SF Bay Area.  Me and a friend went.  My "hippiness" went away when it occured to me during that second show that they were being asked the same questions of one another and giving the same answers and that the whole god damned thing was staged, every word, every joke, every "discovery" of each others past, etc.  It was about the ten bux to get in, not about "tune in-turn on-drop out."  
  Her piercing scream jolted me from my sleep.  I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom.  "What is it?" I asked, panicked, groggy.  "A spider!  Would you come in here and kill it, Adam?"  I sighed.  "Sure, babe."  She opened the door and let me in.  As I entered the brightly-lit room, she ran out, slammed the door, and locked it behind her.  She laughed uproariously.  "My God!" I protested.  "What did you *do* in here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  If masturbation makes baby Jesus cry, then judging from lowbrow posts alone we are due for another Great Flood any moment from now.    
  Dropped my toothbrush this morning.  As the bristles lay on the dirt-encrusted tile, the five second rule passed and I thought:  "There's gonna be a lot more bacteria in your mouth if you don't brush at all."  {rinse}    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I taught my very big, very black, and very intimidating physics lab partner...to knit.  Domesticating the world, one unlikely person at a time...  
  My grandfather sat on the porch while I, all of eight years old, ran about trying to catch this really big-ass bullfrog. I finally succeeded and took it up to show the old man. He grinned and said,  When I was your age, we would pinch some cee-gars from my dad and then we'd light 'em and stick 'em in the frogs' mouths.  (as if THAT wasn't cool enough, he continued in his slow drawl)  Yep! Them bullfrogs'd be puffin' on them cee-gars but they couldn't exhale, so they'd puff up and then  KA-BOOM!  they'd explode all over the place!  As he talked, I watched the years run away from his face, and I could see him as he must have looked as a boy. Nostalgic lowbrow. Kewl.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day at work we were the victim of credit card fraud. Apparently the new (idiot) girl forgot to check ID for someone purchasing *$400* worth of Playstation 2 merchandice with a credit card. It gets better - ironically it turned out that the stolen credit card belonged to someone that worked there. Who knew that leaving your wallet sitting on the store counter while you went on your lunch break was a bad idea?  
  A lady in a car just asked me "Excuse me, do you know where the Y is" (referring to the local branch of the YMCA, a block away from my place of employment)  "Yeah, it's right between the X and the Z"  Judging from the string of words that was ejaculated from her mouth, this was not the answer she expected.  
  I hate the cat. It produces nothing but puked-up hairballs, shit, and endless piles of shedded fur. It climbs on everything and leaves litterbox crumbs. It knocks random items over in the middle of the night. It yowls for no reason. My husband worships the ground it walks on. Consequently, I am the one who has to discipline it. Now if I walk into the room and look at it, it dashes from the room to hide. Then my husband will say "oh, poor thing, she's just terrified of you. So traumatized!" Fine, mister. Just don't blame me when your peanutbutter jelly sandwich has a little more texture than usual.  And a cat will fit in the microwave, you think I haven't checked that out?  
  1 am  just us two girls  walking thru the checkout at the local A&P  hand in hand  paying for strawberries, whipped cream, and some sort of margarita mix   *sigh*   The clerk didn't even blink.  
  Treeplanting this summer in BC (for those of you who have done it you might know where I am coming from) its the last day of the contract and one of the foreman is tired of the cockyness of one of his splanters. He walks up to me and says he'll by me a pitcher of beer if I put a tree in this kids ass. At the next bag-up I tackle him and pull down his pants and shove a tree in. He screams then bites me, as I am laughing on the ground he punches me in the balls. But I relly dont care because I am laghing really  hard and so is everybody else around, and he has an assfull of dirt. The worst part, is not that I got bitten of punched in the nuts, but I never did get that pitcher. The lowbrow part is I woulda done it without the promise of free beer.  
  I waaaas 8 years old when this happened.  As I rode my bicycle in the neighborhood, I stared/looked at other things instead of watching in the direction i was going.  At 5 mph? I ran head-on into the bumper of a neighbor's OLDSMOBILE.    I recall only kicking back the rear wheel on impact and landed safely on the bike.  The neighbor saw this whole incident and laughed instead of yelling at me for touching his vehicle.  I have absolutely nothing to learn or "take back" from this experience.    
  This really hot guy was hitting on me the other night while we played poker.  He finally asked for my number as I was leaving.  I noticed that I was unusually wet, and figured I'd go clean up before I got on my boyfriend's motorcycle to ride home (I was wearing a dress and no panties, and that does not make for a polite motorcycle passenger).  Note:  My boyfriend is an asshole.  I have no problem giving my number to other guys, because if I ever find a nicer guy, I'll dump the current boy.  When I went to clean up in the bathroom, I realized that I wasn't wet.  I'd started my period and it was about 10 seconds from dripping onto my formal shoes.  I stopped a girl at the elevator and asked for a tampon.  She said, "come up to my room, I have some in there..."  NO, this is not going where you think it is...  So all she has are the applicator-free OB tampons.  Never used one.  Apparently, I didn't take the plastic off before inserting it.  Later that night, I had to try to sort of "pop" it out.  Good thing I do my kegels.  Anyway, this whole story is somewhat lowbrow in itself, but the lowest moment?    While thanking the girl for the tampon and the use of her bathroom, I introduced myself.  She had the same name.  Instead of saying, "what a coincidence" or some stupid crap like that, she ACTUALLY SAID:  "O-M-G!!"  I was embarrassed for her, and embarrassed for me because we have the same name.  
  First time phone sex with a bottle of Rolling Rock and a boy in Texas.  Felt pretty silly.  Didn't know what to say after I came.  I beat him.  I guess it wasn't really a race.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She was riding him for all she was worth. He noticed a smell, did she fart? He hadn't. The smell got stronger and stronger. He asked her, "Do you smell something?" She turned around, looked behind her and replied "Opps".      
  i got to the gym this morning about 6:30. really had to pee. made a bee-line for the locker room. cruised around the corner heading for the toilets and there in the middle of the locker room was a small asian man in grey bikini underwear running around with his toothbrush (as a microphone) belting out "bad medicine" by bon jovi. i completely forgot what i went in there for.  
  One time I worked for a landscape maintenance company. I really hated the loser, drunk boss. He would never give me any respect.  Because we didn't even have a Porto Potty everyone always went around back to piss. I found a crack in the wall right outside his office. For about 4 months I would piss in that spot 2-3 times a day. What a laugh.  Then that fucking snitch mechanic found out and told the bastard.  He was such a pussy he made someone else fire me.  
  My pink hair inspired a passer-by to ask me, "What happened to your hair?"  There's nothing stupider than that. Like it was an industrial accident or something.  "When I was eight, there was an industrial accident at the pulp mill my grandfather worked at on Career Day at school."  The look on their face when they believe me is the only reason I bother anymore.  --out  
  Doggy style isn't called Doggy Style in Scotland. It's called "Sheepy Style." Just thought you'd like to know.  
  Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.  Tihs is bcuseae the huamn barin deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.    Fcuknig amzanig huh?   
  Once when i was walking downtown and i noticed this guy in an inflatable mascott costume advertising this one resturaunt.  I felt bad for him so i ran up and gave him a big hug. And well, you see im pretty strong so...poof. His costume started to deflate and  he had to go inside.  it was so sad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't remember for certain who said this, but I think it was the founder of the Christian Coalition:  The only difference between a Spice Girls video and a porn flick is that the pornography has better music.  
  Im not even real sure where I stand on abortion... but I know this - Every time I drive by the abortion clinic near my home I get angry at the Christian picketers.  So I plan to get a big ass picket sign of my own, it will read:  IM NOT WITH STUPID ---->  Then Ill spend the whole day walking along side one of them.    
  Sitting on the shitter reading one day, I let a piss loose without tucking my tool under the toilet seat towards the water.  This resulted in a nice squirt of piss soaking the inside of my boxers and jeans.  It reeked to high heaven.   Shrugging, I just turn the page and keep reading.    
  I just ate some mint chocolate chip ice cream. Then, after putting the carton away, to my order I whipped out a slice of American cheese and shoved into my mouth.  Let me save you some time - it tasted like shit.  
  My buddy Patrick and I just happen to have the same taste in hats.  One night, we're coincidentally wearing tweed caps when we walk into a quickstop for cigarettes.  Four guys are paying for their gas and flirting with Terri, the cashier.  For some reason, they figure "matching hats = gay," and start giving shit to Patrick. I'm also flirting with Terri, so I don't notice, until Patrick nudges me and says: "We might have a problem here."  I size the four of them up, then walk up to the biggest, stick my face in his and, taking my cue from stillbonging*, yell: " Suck my big Scottish Dick! " Five minutes later, and we're all best friends. They even ask me to repeat the performance for their video camera. Such are the ways that the 'Brow slowly spills back into my life, not always with such good results.  -------------------  *Great postings, but use a real e-mail, you wimp!  
  Uh trippy thought for the day. What if you had a low density planet with people on it, that orbited a really heavy big one quite fast and close. As the small one span the experienced gravitational force would change on different points on its surface so that on the side facing the big one the aliens might get sucked off slowly and come back down later. Fucking great setting for a sci fi I thought. Their houses would have to have furnature on the ceiling and theyd only be able to use their propellor bikes during certain times of day. A small problem could be that the sea would boil daily or float around in massive fuck off globules and soak people. Dont any of you nick my idea mmmkay Its gonna make me so rich.  
  I accidentally left an unopened pop can in the front-seat drink holder of my car last night.  The temperature got down to the standard, single-digit (F) temps that we've seen for the last few weeks.  When I opened my car door, I found frozen stalagmites and stalagtites of soda on the seats and ceiling, embedded in what was immaculate upholstery only 12 hours before.  The windows were spattered with frozen white sludge in what one would imagine to be the blast-pattern of an ice-cream sneeze.  I tossed out the offending can, scraped off my windows, and blasted the heater all the way to work.    Most of it was melted and gone by the time I got to work; the rest will melt on the way home tonight.  I was half-panicked this morning about what I would do about it, but now I'm just glad that it was Sprite and not maynonnaise or jizz.  
  I once went skinny dipping with my friend and two girls.  My friend is black, and what do you know, he had a much bigger penis than I did.  So while the girls were ogling over his flaccid six-inch garden hose as it slowly erected into a nine-inch monstrosity, my little mushroom in the forest got no love.    That's when I started masturbating, then everyone turned and looked at me.  My penis went from 2 inches to a whopping 5 inches!    Needless to say, I was laughed at and he got to participate in a threesome that night.    I masturbated some more.  
  One of my friends was trying to quit swearing as much.  "I always seem to say 'shit' when i accidentally run into the dog and it yelps."  "The thing is, I'm not saying 'shit' like it's 'Oh shit I just kicked the dog.'  I'm thinking, 'Oh shit, that was fun!!"      
  My mom came to visit me at my apartment... I had recently obtained a short independent film that I wanted her to watch, so she sat down on the edge my bed as I prepared the VCR.  I looked over, and realized that I had not washed the top blanket, which contained a rather large stain that symbolized the hours of lovemaking that had taken place not long before.  Having your mom's ass inches away from the spot where you had made sweet passionate love to your girlfriend is not a good feeling.  I don't think my mom noticed.  I hope.  
  I like meth because the tweak monsters make me feel less lonely.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I decide to be good and start cycling to work each day. Its an effort but I figure its worth it considering I am putting on a few pounds lately and I end up feeling very exhausted (but good exhausted) after the hour long ride in the morning each day.  This morning though I get into the office and notice that my work clothes are not in my bag...hence I got nothing to change into.   So I am sitting here in my sweaty, 5 day old cycling tight pants and walking around in those plasticky bike pedal shoes.   Learn from this.  
  As I was taking her home with the knowledge that I was going to be fucking her in a matter of minutes, I took the time to look over at her. I had known her for years and had never been attracted to her. This was reinforced when I looked at her rather plain face, nonexistant tits and legs with some sort of fucking rash on them. I thought to myself, if she looks this bad when I'm drunk, think about how ugly she'll be in the morning. The cab stopped and she tried to kiss me, I turned my head so as to make it a goodnight peck and had the cabbie take me to the house. On the way home I realized what a dumb fucking dummy I was giving up a chance at some no strings attached sex. I thought about fucking that ugly troll when I was jacking off the next day.  
  allyourbase@infi.net:  "grinning up at us through his eyebrows with a sinister sort of Dannie Darko smile."   it's Donnie Darko, maggot turd, Donnie Darko.    you can't reference such a fine flick and get his name wrong.    that's like actually watching it while you're not stoned.  a total injustice.    
   He hardly ever wore underwear, especially not during Summer. His homemade cutoff jean shorts were always unintentionally too short.   He was taking a break at work, sitting and rambling on about something. One of his foreign coworkers noticed what was hanging out, cupped his hands and pantomimed using a telescope, zooming in and out with the focus at the sight with bugged out eyes.  Man, I miss those losers.   
  Sitting here reading lowbrow moments and eating a piece of pizza.    No napkin.   A rather large amount of tomato sauce falls in my lap.    I am stuck debating which is worse: standing up and getting the brand new white carpet stained or sitting here and letting the sauce dry.   
    Checkout Girl #1   Amelia. #1, now and forever. Our romance lasted more than a year, and it wasn't just in my head. She looked a lot like the German tennis player, Anke Huber (and  there's  a reason to get into tennis. Forget Kournikova). She memorized my license # (she had to write it on my checks).  She'd be standing chatting with clueless co-workers, and spot me in a long line, would run over and open an aisle, just for me, smiling brighter than the sun. What the hell was she running a checkout line for, when she could run the entire store without breaking a sweat? (Not that I'd mind seeing her break a sweat...) I wrote stories (long, of course :-), with her as the subject. She loved them, especially when they got a little risqu&egrave; She would tell me about her weekends: "We hit up Nashville! It was great!" Nashville is 12 hours from here. Me: "Wasn't that expensive?" She: "Naah -- we each had $20. We slept in the van." I knew the friends she was talking about. All girls. I still have dreams about the back of that van... Turns out she was ambitious, after all. Good. Or not so good, since it meant she was leaving to become a vet. Last day, April 1, 1995 (three days before I met my soon-to-be-ex-wife, oh well). We stare soulfully at each other. Long line behind me. We hesitate. I invite her to dinner. I don't mention what I have planned for dessert: "Amelia Au Jus." She's conflicted. She's known me for a year, but I'm really just another tumbleweed who rolled into her store. So she gives me her mother's phone #, so that I can contact her safely. I ask how old her mother is. Ten years younger than me. I keep the number. Anybody who produced an amazing creature like Amelia is worth checking out...   
  When I was in 5th grade a girl told me that her parents couldn't hide anything from her. She took me into her 45 year old mom's closet. She reached into a shoe shelves, behind the shoes, and pulled out something I didn't recognize. Plastic, long, tube like. I took it and looked at it and wondered what the hell it was.  Two years later I realized what it had been. I looked at my hand. It was holding my lunch.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Lowbrow?"  "You mean like getting head from a stoned radical feminist, and taking pictures?"  Yes.  That's lowbrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just laughed so hard at a lowbrow moment, i blew a snot on my shirt.  
  just gotta  sink my teeth into  the ass of life...  
  I really miss old supermarkets in the seventies: You know; the kind where you could see a peri-menopausal woman in lime green, polyester stretchpants, with curlers in her hair, walking the aisles with her cart loaded with Ringdings, Twinkies, cans of cat food, cigarettes, a six pack of beer, and smoking one of those long, thin cigarettes...  Old supermarkets rocked... You younger Browers missed out!  
  Once, when I was 16, I thought I was in love.  She was really cool, and really nice, but she didn't live in the same town as I did.  I visited my Father one summer, and she lived near him.  We "dated" all summer, making out in her car on deserted roads, once even getting told to "move along" by the police.   The day i had to leave to go back to my mom, to home, to school, I called her.  She had a car phone, which was a rarity for a 17 year old girl in those days, but her parents were rich. . .anyway.  The car phone was the type with a speaker so you didn't have to hold it while you drove and talked.  I had called to say goodbye. She told me she was alone.  I finally worked up the courage to tell her "I love you".  All I heard was laughter.  The kind of laughter that can only come from 4 or 5 people. It ended quickly (she pressed "mute" or something). "What was that?" I asked. "Nothing. . . um. . . I gotta go." "Okay. . . goodbye. . . " 4 years later she came to visit me at college and admitted that the car had been full of her friends that night. Like I didn't already know that.  
  Working in a locked building on a weekend, one would assume that the building was empty.  Imagine my surprise to go to the bathroom to get a tissue and discover your boss taking a really nasty, smelly shit with the door to the stall wide open.  
  Our friend's 18th birthday was coming up, and we were racking our brains trying to come up with a good present. In a moment of inspiration, I reached into my bookshelf, pulled out a book, and opened it up to a recipe for home made fruit-leather underwear. At the time, he didn't have a girlfriend, so we decided to make them for him. We called up his house and got his brother to tell us what size he was. There was some difficulty with the recipe: It said to double up the crotch area to prevent disintegration due to female juices, that shouldn't be a problem for him, but there's still sweat to take into account. It called for bananas (not, I think, the best flavor for this type of thing), but didn't say what size. In the end, the fruit leather came out all gooey and burnt smelling, not something that would feel good on your nether-regions let alone have any structural integrity, so we resorted to making him some adorably cute inflatable sheep from balloons.  I still have the recipe. We intend to try again. And now he has a girlfriend, so all the better.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sometimes when i am homealone, and naked in my room, i like to take little short squirts of piss onto my carpet. just for fun i guess. or maybe its to mark my territory unknowingly.  
  This one mall has a huge foodcourt, with long communal tables. When I took my seat, I discovered someone had left their cellphone on the table half under a paper bag. While I sat holding it, one of the locals mall hoboes sat down across from me and tried to start a conversation prior to hitting me up for spare change. The reek was intense. The phone rang, and rang, and I saw a very large linebacker of a guy head in my general direction from the bank of pay phones.  "It's for you" I said to the hobo as I handed him the phone and got the hell out of there.   
  My unit hangs to the right when flaccid and curves to the right when erect. When I was young, I used to always tuck it into my pants on the left, hoping that it would correct itself over time. You know, like a small tree you tie to something. Oh well. I'm fine with it now.  
  I've used a game consol (Sega Dreamcast) to get on the internet and download porn from free sites. Masturbating has lost its fun.  
  *  she stood  sweatpants lard fishbowl glasses eyes pressed together into a thorough sketch of soulless incompetence  sweatshirt stating  'dont worry about your mistakes  god allows u-turns'      too bad some people just cant be unborn  *  
  Some lady walked in on me last week in a changing booth at the store. I didn't mind, as it was the most action I've had in 2 months.  
  I watched in  *horror* as my friend filled in the edge of a crust-less pie with spray whipped cream, because her dog *ate* the crust. The pie was on it's way to a bake sale. I still  never buy from bake sales! ;@        
  Starbuck's Tempe, AZ Sat. afternoon:  He: mid-sixties, burly, grey hair with sideburns, light-blue short-sleeve polyesther shirt revealing aged navy tattoo, white tennies, leather river fish embossed belt.  She: late 50's, grey, too, silver jewelry, tapestry vest, (is that gold lamee woven into her dressy cotton pants?), sensible brown flats.  Obviously, I gather from my nearby table covered with notes for upcoming comprehensive exams, this is a "personals" date.  They have nothing in common, but he tries and she responds pleasantly enough.  He asks to see her again and she comes up with every excuse in the book.    Ten minutes later they still haven't left and the painful silences are disturbing my consentration.  She spends three minutes with her purse strap over her shoulder and still no departure.  FOR THE LOVE OF THE JAVA GOD, GIVE IT UP ALREADY!!      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I don't care how good the 3d-engine, digital surround system and the realistic physics engine is in your 8-ball playstation game  it just doesn't have the same atmosphere  that emanates from spilling three beers across the table with the bouncers watching on  
  Winter fun with front wheel drive!  go to mcdonalds, when your done with your food, dont put back the tray, just grab the whole stack. go to your local highschool parking lot, place one tray under each back wheel, and set the e-brake. turn your wheel to the left and burnout. just make sure cops dont see this. they dont appreciate it. but consider this: 1 value drink, 1 value burger: $2.16 6 trays: free car: $5000 and counting pulling donuts that your friends camaro with a 350 would be jealous of: priceless  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just read 3 posts in a row about having to masturbate before you go to work.  as a college student i wonder...  i never really masturbate before i go to class in the morning... does this change occur with the attainment of a full-time job?  
  Every good story starts off with so there I was....  So there I was...we were having a party over at our place, a bunch of people were over and things were going well.  Until I noticed that one of my roomates had disappeared.  Now this isn't that odd, b/c he was hanging out with this one girl all night.  And he had drank enough beers such that she prolly looked like a blurry Miss America at that point.  Well..the party begins to wind down, and I turn off the TV, and stereo, as people are about to leave.  And then everyone freezes, as I do.  B/c we all hear really loud moaning and a head hitting a backboard.  Now we are all mature adults so we all smiled and cheered them on, in a rather I wish I was there manner.  Well then as we are all self congratulating ourselves..we hear (really loudly) "YOU ARE SO HUGE" at which point we all busted out laughing.  The laughing went on for a bit, and then we all looked at each other and REALLY wished we were in there.  At that point we all felt rather insignificant and everyone left...except for me I lived there.  So as revenge I snuck into the room the next day and took nude picks with my digi camera..with no one the wiser. Now all I have to say is..hello internet.  Sometimes...being an asshole is fun. -Thank you  
  I was driving home from a party one night at 4am, pitch black out, and I was completely sober... but for some reason I started hallucinating as though I was high... it was kinda cool until I almost swerved into another car because I thought I was going to hit something that was just in my imagination.  
  Once, far back "in the day", I attended a summer camp with a friend of mine, I must have been roughly 9.  Between several of the activities, I had to take a shit, so I headed to the communial toilets.  Sitting, finishing my business, I began to snowball some toilet paper, when I hear voices outside.  There's voices outside!  My friend among them, and I begin to be harassed by them, with statements along the lines of "Is he folding, or snowballing!?!" and starts to climb over the stall to peak in at me.  He verifies that I was snowballing, and fully humiliates me, to which my friend laughs.  I sat in there until they left.  Later when I confronted my friend about it (he has a very distincive voice), he said some crazy ass shit about a voice stealing monster called "voicezilla", at which point I bitchslapped him.  God, that situation sucked  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The power goes out around here on a regular basis, since this whole state is like some third world toilet or something. It's a pain in the ass to go around and reset all the clocks when it comes back, but the tedium was broken this morning when the PuffDaddyWannaBe neighbor comes tearing out of his house, still dressing as he dashes for his car, three hours late, trips on his lowered pants, falls on his face, spills coffee all over himself, and then slams the car door on his hand, and the coffee cup he forgot on the car roof flies off in an arc that ends at his front window.  Better late than never, I guess he thinks.  
  I noticed the cop was following me in his car as I walked home from the bar. He would drive down a parralell street and up another until I finally stopped on the sidewalk and stared at him with my arms crossed. He finally drove up next to me. "I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE FOLLOWING ME I HAVE RIGHTS AS A CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY SECURED BY THE FOURTH AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION AND OTHER ASPECTS OF MY FREEDOM AS BLAH, BLAH, BLAH GUARANTEED BY THE BILL OF RIGHTS AND I PAY YOUR SALARY WITH MY TAXES SO C'MON OUT WITH IT DID YOU HAVE ANY POSSIBLE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH THIRD I MEAN FOURTH AMENDMENT BLAH BLAH..." He looked a little hurt, but he patiently waited for me to finish. "I just wanted to see that you got home ok. You were asleep halfway on someone's lawn a couple minutes ago. I woke you up and you started walking." "really?" "Yup." "sorry. goodnight."  
  I think I might want to move to Korea. Why you ask? For starters it's the broadband capital of the world. Do you know what that means?  Light speed lowbrow...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Tell me honestly.  Have you.  Have you ever wondered if your mom gave dad a blowjob right before she kissed you goodnight?  
  Hey, asshole, are you in the process of passing someone?  No?  THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!!!  
  I work at a local Publix supermarket. On my break, I noticed that in one serving of seedless watermelon there were 80 calories. So, I wanted to know how many calories were in one watermelon. I noticed that one serving of watermelon was equal to 280 grams, but the only way to weigh the watermelon was in pounds on the scale. So I weighed the watermelon, and it was exactly 20 pounds. So now, I had to find out how many grams were in a pound. So I went and found a 2 pound bag of flour, and noticed it weighed 907 grams, dividing that in half, and rounding I came up with 453 grams per pound. So then, I multiplied that by 20, and came up with about 9060 grams in one 20 lb watermelon. So then I divided 9060 by 280, and came up with about 34.4 servings in one 20 lb watermelon. So then, I multiplied 34.4 servings by 80 calories per serving, and came up with, a 20 pound watermelon containing 2588.8 calories.  I would have never thought this information to come in handy, until that same day, someone came in and asked the nutritional information on the watermelons, and if they were bad for you. Jeffrey, the coordinator referred them to me, where I shared my expertise with them, but made them aware that those measurements were assuming that the rhind of the watermelon contained the same amout of calories as the "meat" of the watermelon, and that the rhind would also be consumed. What as waste of a half hour break. but hey, it was time consuming Travis Biro  
  Did you know that Wemen can donate an egg for aproximately $700, while men can donate sperm for $50 a pop?  I have a towel in my closet worth about three grand...  
  My college has seven houses.  Their sort of like frats, except coed.  So one drunken night we convince this semi-slutty freshman girl to collect cum from all seven houses.  I don't remember what we offered her...alcohol, respect, weed...it doesn't really matter, the point is, she did it.  We admired the seven cafeteria drinking glasses with their content and left them in the courtyard that night as a testament to our cum collecting fortitude.  Well, later that night it rained, and the cum got washed all over the courtyard and into the cracks between the bricks.  Now our house still smells like jizz every time it rains.  The best laid plans, huh.  
  I asked natan what his plan was.  He said we could just take a bunch of acid, tape record the brillant conversations we have, and make some sort of rad book.  It sounded like a good plan, but in the end, we just went skateboarding instead.        
  Upon returning home from the local poolhall, we discovered the my dog had jumped his barrier, shat and pissed all over the floor and chewed up tissues and my DVDs.  As I'm cleaning up, my friend notes, "Hey look, he chewed up everything but his toys."  I know a lot of assholes.  
  I'm the girl in love with you from this site.  And yes-- I *am* perfect.  
  So she's getting married. Finally. After chasing everything she can, begging and pleading for a ring, she's getting married. We all know what a flake she is, so no one really gives it much of a shot to succeed. I'm giving her the Secrets of A Happy Marriage calendar. I tore out the last six months.  Saved her the trouble later on.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I decided to test out this "pheromone" thing i.e.,chemicals that attract the opposite sex so I applied some of my mid-cycle vaginal secretions to my ears, wrists etc. and left it on all day: absolutely NOTHING to remark on.  
  if you wait to take a shit untill you really have to go, like you cant wait any longer, like two more miutes and itll be in your drawers, and then plop down on the toilet and spread cheeks, you can do an impressive amount of shitting in less than one full minute.  just f y i  
  when i'm angered i resort to somewhat desperate measures to calm myself.  looking in the refrigerator for a suitable sacrafice, i noticed an individually wrapped hot dog.  grinning, i took the phallic surprise and hurled it with all the might i could muster against the closed bathroom door.  luckily it didn't explode, instead making an amazingly satisfying whap.  i picked the half mushed hot dog and put it back into the fridge.    i'm not sure if my goal was just to make a funny noise to alleviate the agony that i've been going through or if i'll reap the true delight when some poor soul in my house opens up the package and plops it into the boiling water, only to find that it's been pulverized and expands beyond recognition when it's cooked.  i just found out that my best friend and prospective (wistful sigh) love interest won a major state history competition...  i'm never going to be successful.  seriously.  
  I use to think a whole lot.  I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because I would be up pondering the meaning of life, what happened once humans died, refining my atheist views and such.  That all stopped once I started smoking weed.  What a beautiful drug  
  I recently read a moment on here about this girl who had a stalker folloing her all the time. But, she spelled "stalker" as "stocker"  So I pictured some grocery clerk following her around with a box of some kind of food and dressed in a supermarket uniform.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Stopping at a wafflehouse, severely inebriated, I placed our to go order and sat down at the bar next to an attractive looking couple. The waitress det down their food and I noticed the guy was about to pour sugar on his grits. You're obviously not from the south I said as I slid his plate in front of me and proceed to fix his grits.  Naturally I tasted them to make sure there was enough salt and butter. They were fairly tasty so I kept eating them.  The whole time he and I are carrying on a friendly banter under the dirty scowls of the chick beside him. Well after I finished his grits I ate his eggs, bacon, toast, and whatever else was on his plate; just chit chatting along.  I topped it off with a swig of his coffe. About that time my friend tapped me on the shoulder to go. As I got up to leave he leaned over and asked me if he could take me out to dinner sometime.  To which I replied you just did honey and walked out the door, order in hand. I sometimes feel a bit bad about that.   
  I discovered firsthand that the Amish have no restriction on flipping you off if you openly take a photo of their cute little buggy.  It made my day.   
  whether they are winged rats or not is really irrelevant at this point i just spent the last half an hour scraping a pigeon off the top of my catalytic converter and regardless of your affiliation with the flying vermin i think you would have agreed they are pretty goddam disgusting        
  True love is watching your drunk girlfriend puke, completely naked after giving it to her doggie style.    
  When my friend and I were in 9th grade there was a kid who on the slow bus that was always standing outside after lunch.  We noticed that, despite any of his other shortcomings, he was excellent at hearing the sound of a coin being dropped onto the concrete.  Many a coin was wasted throwing nickels and the like onto the ground and watching him scurry like a squirrel after a nut.  
  "What you need to understand," I explain patiently, "is that Terro is simply not in the same category as other ant killers.  It stands alone.  You see, Terro takes the form of a thick, clear, sweet, deadly syrup.  You pour a dollop somewhere on the floor.  48 hours later, the syrup is gone.  In its place lies a neat little brown ring of ant corpses, carefully outlining the fluid that was once there.  There is a certain elegance about that."  "If you say so.  So what?" he responds.  "I think a dollop of Terro syrup would make an extremely captivating subject for a webcam."  Some people just don't get it.    
  If you walk in front of the TV naked, your penis tingles...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He storms out of the yurt as dramatically as he can, but is confounded by his inability to slam the flap behind him.  
  a great college moment is making pot brownies for the next day at your professor's house while babysitting his kids so he can go out and party with the other history professors.  The best college moment is having the same college professor cancel the next morning's lecture cuz he came home with the munchies, devoured the whole tray of brownies on the counter and is still too stoned to speak.      
  Another example of advertisers using improbable and unrealistic situations to sell their products:  Levi's Bold campaign.  Apparently, while wearing their jeans, you can stand in a heard of running buffalo and still be anorexic afterwards.  Impressive.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Oh great. Again.  My lips are really sensitive... uh, my lips on my face. Anyway, in dry weather, if I don't take care... uh, wait - that's not to say the other lips aren't sensitive but I'm talking about...  Aw hell, forget it.  
  My neice has a very lowbrow boyfriend.  He gave her clap, twice, drunken driving conviction at age 15, highschool dropout, deals drugs, restraining orders, etc.etc. Little greasy Portuguese loser from Fall River.  Lowbrow moment, he hits on my wife in front of me at her fathers wake.  "I could make you feel good." he says.  
  I've always wished I could blow myself. I've tried and tried and all I have to show for it is a bad back and a pinched nerve in my neck. If I'm ever successful I wonder if I'll swallow or spit? Note: I should have spelled successful   definitely more "lowbrow"  
  My aunt once got the shits while sitting in her car in the middle of a large parking lot and actually took a shit in her purse.  Really.  
  Scott looked beyond my position in the passenger seat at the woman sitting in the car next to us at the intersection. "She really looks like a bitch" he said. Her head snapped around to glare at me. I looked straight ahead and slowly rolled up my window.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             My boyfriend went out flocking with my 2 best friends. They started making decisions about the flocking without me. It's my flock damnit.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         New neighbourhood. Hopefully the neighbours are just a little more civilized than the last bunch. I walk across the street with my boy to invite some kids to play with him. We knock on the door, and it opens into some kind of unfathomable urban hell. Several unidentified adults lying around smoking weed and watching old re-runs. Nobody claims the kids or gives a shit where they go. Oh well. The kids come over and go nuts playing, except for the 7 year-old little Jon Benet girl. She stands by my side smiling constantly. Perhaps you can sense what is coming. I make her some noodles, and all the kids immediately descend on us. They're literally starving. I make another batch of noodles, and they also vanish without a trace. Then the kids vanish without a trace, upstairs. Except for Jon Benet. She wants to sit in my lap. She  really  wants to sit in my lap. Oh shit not again. Yup, again. Second time this year I've been offered a blow job by a seven year-old, both of them insisting that they were really good at it. I put in another call to my cop friends. Fuck the world -- I want to get off.  
   Moment From Anna (sigh...)  This sounds more like a cheerleader@yercrotch (hi, sweetie!) moment than one of mine. Anyway, this from Anna (sigh...): One day, my "housework-challenged" husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,  "Honey, what setting do I use on the washing machine?"  "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"  He yelled back, "University of TEXAS." And they say blondes are dumb...  
  Random posh hotel job, heard over the radio: "Um, Jake, where are you?" "Down near the pool." "Good. We got a situation down there." "Ok..." "There is fecal matter in the Lazy River." "Huh?" "Fecal matter in the Lazy River." "What?" "SHIT! THERE'S SHIT IN THE LAZY RIVER!" "Oh man, I just turned my radio up real loud, and everyone around here just heard that." "FUCK! No, turn it down! Turn it down!" The joys of working a shihtty desk job... ~puck~  
  My rabbit humped my hand today.  Nothing makes sense.  There was actual penetration between my fingers.  It was disturbing   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I can still taste it.  Once I took several mind altering drugs early in the morning...around 2am as i was leaving a party. Big Mistake. Upon coming home, my room mate locked himself in his room and refused to come out...leaving me to...myself and myself.  fear is something that everyone feels at one time or another. i had never felt anything like this... i could TASTE it, in the back of my throat like drinking hot water from a garden hose. it set in as i first thought that maybe i had taken too much? I spent the night moving from one task to the next waiting for the sun... waiting for that blessed light to come creeping back into my world.  And i can still taste it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sick and tired of the monstrish guttural screaming of my son's sickening CD Cannibal Corpse, when I found it accidentally in my tape collection, I slipped it inside a cardboard food carton, and deposited it lovingly, and peacefully into the trash...... AAAHHHHH.......    
  I started a new job as a secretary in an office building.  One of the pencils at my desk said " I heart SFCU "  (SFCU being a credit union in the area.)  naturally, I scratched off of 'S' and the 'C'... to leave 'I heart F U'  I felt satisfied with my artistic ability and mind of a 10-year-old and giggled - until my boss came over looking for a pencil.  I just shrugged my shoulders as if I didn't know where it came from.  First day and my boss already knows what a loser I am.  
  Cleveland winters mean rain, wet drizzle, and lotsa snots in your nose. SO.  One warmer winter night, as i drunkening staggered home, i bumped through a bunch of frat boys, themselves quite lit up. They decided I looked like a "faggot" they should "watch out for." A Popeye with beer muslces, I stopped to make sure they could repeat such a creative insult and that it had not been just another whisper on the wind. They informed me that "We don't need to do shit! Keep moving! We're off duty cops." Walking back toward the tallest one, who held out his middle finger as proof of thei gainful employment, my eyes meeting the center of his chest. His crackling giggle amused by his own wit was repulsive.  SO. I reached out to grab a fabric ball of his oversized sweat shirt and blew my nose right into it. Big gooey chunky snots. As the fabric snapped back to his chest, a long phlegm string (like those cumshot hockers in porno flicks) hung from my nose to his sweatshirt. I stepped back. His friends were laughing and pointing at him. He swung at me, but missed. I walked up the street backwards berating them. Until i turned the corner and hid behind a dumpster until they drove past.   
  the other day i was beating off to a fast-ab infomercial and it finally hit me...porn is a necessity  
  I just learned that K-Mart had its own brand of wine in the eighties called  K-Marto. Now I wish I had some. Imagine having a vinatge bottle of K-Marto in your wine rack, just waiting for the right special occasion to twist the top off, smelling the cap and saying   "Ah yes... 1985. It was a good year. Regan was in his second term, Marty McFly was about to go back in time, and Transformers were on television."  
  Sitting in a bar with him discussing the usual...  He: must be nice to be a woman and get drinks bought for you.  Me: I don't let guys buy me drinks. I don't want them to expect anything in payment.  He: we don't expect payment. Well, not really.  Me: oh really? Well then what do you expect?  He: (smiles) a chance.  I really, really liked that.  
  it's 3 o'clock in the morning, and i'm in kinkos photocopying some things for a presentation the next day.  i meant to ask the attractive guy at the counter for some 'overhead transparencies'.  instead, i somehow manage to combine the two and ask for 'ovaries'.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm not a doctor, but I play one when you are passed out.  
  I'm white.I have called money "skrilla" on more than one occasion.I have told people to "stay up out my grill before they get D-boed".I have "raised the roof".I know the difference between throwing and dropping boes.I can bust a crib walk.I enjoy "getting my roll on".I sometimes call riding in a car "rollin' on dubs".When women wear jewelry I tell them they look clean and that I like the way they're "blinging".I've called my friends my dogs,homies and gees.I've refered to women as bitches,hunnies and hoes.I call police cops,the man,the law and the po-po.I worry that maybe one day I might have to "exercise my strap finger". I think maybe it's time I quit bumpin' rap music.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i had been drinking cheap vodka all night.  it was time to leave the party so i got into the car.  we drove to a house and went in.  i was standing in someone's kitchen with the guy who i had been sticking my tounge down his throat all night.  someone else walked in.  i turned to them and said, "we're going to have sex on your table, okay?"  the man spoke.  i knew his voice.  for a second i regained my blurry vision.  i was talking to my dad.  
  When she claimed to have quit smoking, I knew she was lying but I didn't say a word.   The inside of her truck smelled like a card game.        
  Some guys have no idea how brainwashed they've become by the PC world.  When I say "Pull my hair, c'mon, take me, rough.."  ........I get something like "I'm a nice guy, I respect you too much to treat you like that."  What the fuck is this world coming to?  
  i had never been so pissed off in all my life. the reason is inconsequential, but the reaction and the feeling i had at the time was unbearable. i wanted to kick dogs, and i love dogs. the bums usually never get to me, the stories never touch me in such a manner that i have to hand over some hard earned cash to the junkie-fucks. but tonite listening to the skinny black man tell me about his dead mother and his broken family back in Baltimore i couldn't help but fork over 5 bucks. I was so mad before i met Willy, but after talking to him i realized that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.   Take some time when you have a chance and talk to a bum. Nothing makes you feel good like listening to someone who has it ten times shittier than you.   p.s.- making out with fat girls is never a good idea no matter how drunk you are.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was 15, helping mom get ready for dinner, peeling potatoes in the kitchen.  Finding a long, thin potato, I held it up and said:  "Look Mom! A dick-tater!"  I still laugh about it.  
  In high school my mom and I had a nice long sit down and chat about me being more honest.   I agreed and said that I lied sometimes because I was afraid of conflict and also maybe because the truth was sometimes boring. Or maybe because I had a low self esteem and wanted to make people like me more.    Then she asked me waht was all over the front of my navy blue sweatpants.   Given the conversation we had just enjoyed, I told her it was dried and flakey residue from the vagina of my girlfriend Chris...mixed in with a little bit of Sperm, I guessed.  That fealt great.  Haven't lied since.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I drank Bloody Marys all day yesterday and then exploded them out of my ass all morning. It was a bloody mess.   
  My brother and my best friend take a certain type of martial arts "Nine Headed Snake Fist Kung Fu" with is all about killing someone and pressure points.  My friend, who just started a few weeks ago, was trying to show me this "really awesome move" where you grab the guys arm and because of a certain pressure point you render that hand useless as long as you hold on it it. Thats it, no real strength in the arm. He tried it on me. It didn't work. He looked alittle annoyed but after a few tries he gave up and said he was probly doing it wrong.  I went and found my brother later on, who helps teach the class, and ask him to do the hold to see what the heck it is suppose to feel like. It doesn't work. I mean, he did it right, my hand turned purple and he he could feel my tendons. Didn't hurt one bit. He tried a few more. Appearently I have no pressure points in either of my arms.  I had a good laugh over this one for a few hours.  Now I want to take the class to be the worst training partner in the world.  
  when i was six i "missed" the toilet and made a large puddle all over the floor. My mom thought my younger sister was "trying to pee like Daddy".  i'm sure my mom doesn't think about that anymore, but i do.  
  I'm a manager in a restaurant at local attraction in our city. MY employees are all teenagers who always go out back to get high; at first they always used to get worried and run away when they saw me coming, now they only worry about whether or not what they are smoking is good enough for me.  
  My best friend was dating this really slutty disgusting chick.  One night I got really drunk and sucked on her toes.   I regret doing that for two reasons.  
   As the instructor continued with the demonstration, despite the  giggling students, he was oblivious to the loudly gurgling sink behind him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  OK, So this 14 year old girl who is, to say the least, seriously-not-up-to-date, asks me for some advice on a wierd subject.  I have wierd friends so i get this alot. I tell her to continue.  "My mom walked in whne me and Zach were under some bedcovers, and shes grounded me for it. What should i do?"  Before i continue, i would like to tell you this did not make me feel big, but i didnt regret it, that's for sure.   I told her to sit down with her mom, and ask for advice on a few things. For example: "Mom, i stuck a cucumber up Zachs ass and ate it, and now i feel ill. What should I do?"  I am not sure what she made of this, but its shut her the fuck up, thats for sure.  
  A message to the saxaphone-playing homeless man...  I know you can only play one song on your sax.  I know this because I sat and watched you for 5 minutes.  I know that the one song is just a flamboyant version of the "Sesame Street" song.  I was about to give you the $5 bill that I found an hour before, until I saw you call that girl an "ugly bitch".  If you are begging for money, you shouldn't call people names.   
  For Holloween I dressed up in a pink tutu, with wings, a magic wand, and a postal bag full of flour.  I was the anthrax fairy.  
  Damn.....  A lot of you folks have stuck toothbrushes up your asses.  What does it feel like?????  Not that I really want to know.  
  I hate telemarketers.  Unscrupulous  fucks who will say anything to separate you from your money.  Someone once told me that they are timed on their calls - so whenever a telemarketer calls, I act interested and then ask them to hold on a moment.  Then I time them to see how long they will wait before hanging up.  My record is seven minutes and twenty-two seconds.  That one is going to be a bitch to beat.  
  Recently I was in LA driving with a friend. We were arguing about how classy LA was or not. I thought it's mostly a dump with some nice bits, he thought it was mostly nice with some crappy bits. We stop at a light. We both look out the window at some drunken bum stretched out on a bench on the edge of the street. He's partially passed out, and his filthy clothes are falling off. As we watch, he starts fishing around in his pants, gets his tiny dirty cock out and starts yanking it. He's not even awake, this is all on automatic pilot.  The light changes and we drive on, silent now, discussion forgotten as we ponder what we've just seen.  I decide to turn on the radio. Out blares Ricky Martin singing Livin' La Vida Loca. How strangely appropriate.  
  "Please pass the monkey flecks."  
  Cute little moment, this. Not mine -- my first wife's. When she was a kid, for some weird reason she didn't like lima beans, and was stubborn. But her dad was even more stubborn, insisting that she clean her plate. She pushed them around, ineffectually, sitting with her father frowning at her, and hearing the TV in the other room and her pissy big sister laughing at something. He went to the bathroom. When he came back, she was just shoving the last bean in her mouth. He beamed: "That's my girl!" Next morning at the breakfast table, he spooned sugar into his coffee and looked with amazement at the lima beans in the spoon...  
      I hate it when I'm jerking off to a good porn and just when I'm about to climax the camera pans away from the sexy chick and right to the asshole guy's sweaty, greasy, grunty, contorted face. I want to find those male porn actors and fucking kill them for ruining about 100  possible good orgasms in a month.   
  to all those shrink wannabees in order for you to get your covetted phd in mindgames you have to be engrossed in the games that profs and students play for the entire length of your imprison uh i mean scholastic career and then do an quote internship endquote hint number one scholastic mindgames do not equal the real world  hint number two you will have been so far outta the mix by the time your internship comes that you will make decisions on peoples lives based upon data and information that has absolutely no bearing on the ever changing world that has caused these people to seek help hint number three if you are becoming a shrink to wave the degree around and have no interest in getting dirty on the job either mentally or physically then do us all a favor back off bitch get a job in research somewhere further the blindersonschool that spawned you but  dont make anyone elses life worse due to your own hubris and ignorance        
  I think the Definition of Lowbrow has to do with Pabst Blue Ribbon and Fashioning your boxers into a thong. But Im sure theres a Carnie tossed in there somewhere....  
  I feel tempted to kick pigeons sometimes.  I'm not a cruel person, and would never hurt anything deliberately, but I can't shake the thought when they're in front of me on the footpath.  You could get your foot under it nicely and punt it soaring through the air, torpedo style.    I'm sure it wouldn't work in practise.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was possibly the most inspired and best blowjob I had ever given, considering the lack of material I had to work with. And yet he had the gall to say, conclusively, "Well, that was okay." I crawled up his torso and burped in his face.  
  The best part about having two fat guys as roommates...  If you are ever hungry, you always have somebody willing to go get food with you.    
  i remember it was 1993. i was driving my uncle's brand new 1984 Toyota Celica. my buddies and i had just left a party. Thomas (large afro) was in the front. Eric was in the back, directly behind Thomas. i was driving. eric says he is about to puke. i slow down to pull over, but its too late. he blows chunks into the back of Thomas's seat, the fucking floor, Thomas's big afro. We all jump out of the car, me laughing, Thomas screaming, Eric still puking.   i didn't care about the car. i almost had an asthma attack over a big, damp, smelly afro.     
  so i was on a date the other night and we went to this mexican restaurant and my food was really spicy so i drank four glasses of water. naturally when we get back to my friend's house, i have to pee worse than anything, so i RUN to the bathroom to relieve my bladder of its intense pain. a few minutes into my forceful, loud pee, my friend knocks on the door. "What are you doing in there???" (I was in her little brother's bathroom cause i didnt want all the people in her bedroom to here my 30 minute piss) "Um, peeing..."  "Well come out, i want to show you my dress, ive got it on"  so im about to go out and see it but i look down and realize i was peeing so hard that it actually went through the crack between the basin and the toilet seat and i peed all the way to the opposite wall. scrubbing my piss of her brother's bathroom floor while my date and six other people waited outside wondering what the hell was my problem...beautiful.  
  I'm entertaining some close friends, and my parents come home. In their Romanian accents, they shout "All you kids want to talk about is THE SEX!" After talking to Jamie and Tim for ten minutes, my dad concludes he was sick of masturbating because my mom is not horny.   At least Tim still comes to my house.  
  At our school we have certain internet restrisctions preventing us from spreading the lowbrow love.  While trying to look for a loophole around the restrictions we stumble across a free translation website were you can tell it to translate whole webpages. So i type www.lowbrow.com and as the language settings i put english to english. When the page comes up it appears to work but while reading the incoherent rambiling that was lowbrow none of it makes any sense at the time. my fellow lowbrow junky screams "how the hell do you fuck up an english to english translation you stupid computer"  while atemping to read the butchered lowbrow moment it is much funnier when the moment has the languistic skills of a recently immagrated mexican and seems much funnier  
  where's my oscar?  The ex-boyfriend and i are having a little hormone-induced romp a few weeks after the (third?  fourth?) break up.  we're still in high school, and his mom is home, so we hop into his car and start scoping for abandoned places to do our business.  we find a neighborhood that has just begun to be built, completely dark and secluded.  just as my pants are undone, and his hand has begun its work, we see the unmistakable double-flash of headlights pulling up towards us.  there's no time to cover up.  two men, not police officers, but workers for the company building the neighborhood, walk up to the window.  i hurriedly whisper to my ex to let me do the talking.  as the men question us about being out here in the dark on private property around midnight, i burst into tears and apologize over and over again, explaining that my parents are in the middle of a divorce and they were fighting, so my friend here was just getting me out of the house so that i could talk about it and he could comfort me without anyone else finding out about how badly things at home are.  one of the men leans on the window (as i cross my arms over my waist to cover my unbuttoned pants) and nods sympathetically, telling me that he knows that divorce is hardest on the kids and he's really sorry that i have to deal with so much.    they tell us to pull over into the lighted section of the parking lot to finish talking, and we can stay as long as we want.  i sniffle and thank the nice men for their concern.  my ex and i laughed so hard on the way home that we weren't even in the mood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yes, it finaly happend. I got arrested. It was a wonderful night filled with girls, live music, friends and enough booze to make anyone a raging pyscho. Imagine my suprize when I became that raging lunatic. I left the party in peace and then proceded to get into a brawl in my car with a very good friend. No this not what got me arrested, though I did break my rearview mirror off. When I got home I was so hot I picked a fight with one of my roomates while the other called the chops. I deserved that one for sure.  No charges were filled and I was set free the next morning only to walk home barefoot because I was arrested with out shoes.  I could not call a cab because they took my money when I was booked. And there's now one less thing for me to be proud of. I can still feel the bruises on my wrists.  
  So I biked across the country this summer and i happened to find myself in some lowbrow moments more than once; like you do.  Well one of these more memorable moments happened on the top of the Point Mountain in West Virginia. We had to stop there to take pictures of the elevation sign and fix a flat tire. While we did that a man walked out of the mist, I'm not exagerrating, and started talking to us about the bastard who stole his satellite bill out of his mail box. Now this guy was backwoods like you read about but i figured I would try to hold a conversation with him anyway.  The content of the conversation included the bastard that stole his satellite bill, how he planned to catch him, and also what channels he got on his satellite. He boasted that he got everything. Upon hearing that I asked him if he received porn. The man looked at me with his one good eye and said, "No but I get AirWolf."  I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic or if he was serious but what is for sure is that after he told me he had been hit in the chest with lightening a week prior to our conversation i didn't believe a word he said.  
  Once, I took the time to write an entire email backwards.  Words backwards, sentences.  Closing first, greeting last.  Didn't get a reply.        
  I once asked my neighbor why he was joining a frat.  He said "Don't call it that. It's a Fraternity."  When asked why he was taking it so seriously, he responded thusly, with a straight face:  "You don't call your country "cunt", do you?"  
  so i'm sitting in the hallway when i hear this guy say his best friend have given him this killer ounce of weed for his last birthday. he and a bunch of his buddies proceeded to party hearty for a few days and before long the bag was gone. his mom apparently had been privy to what his present was and asked him how much he had left.  when he confessed it was all gone, he said, she grounded him for being selfish and not sharing.  
  I was in SF.  My dad and I stopped by a pizza place to get a snack before going home.  I used the bathroom, which seriously felt dirty, even to me.  Later, I'm waiting for my pizza when a woman goes in.  I'm guessing the guy that followed was her husband.  She went in first, locked the door... He stood outside, quietly knocking.  The look on his face gave away whatever they were planning on doing in there, and he was not entirely pleased when she didn't unlock the bathroom door.  I think I was the only one to see it, and was very distressed when he winked at me on the way back to his table.  
  It just occurred to me that, while I asked my dad how they grew up without TV, my daughter will ask me how I grew up without the Internet.  Makes me wonder what her kid will someday ask her how she grew up without whatever it is her generation bring about.  
  I sit, my girlfriend next to me,   sleeping, dozing, napping.  Food channel is on, boring, she likes it, likes to cook, likes to make food, thats why.  sleeping, in her underwear, boxers, blue and a little dirty, only enough to the point where they smell like heaven, and panties, black with snoopy , tank top, sexy black .  Legs starting to grow in, hair, rough, smooth, rubbing, pits the same.  Up and down up and down.  Calm.  And silently, but not silent enough, a little gas escapes from her, and her smell is through out the room.  Tasty, lightly, ever so gently, I kiss her.  Wonderful.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Its too damn hot out for clothes, so im reading low brow with only boxers on  suddenly I need to sneeze, and, not being one to stife bodily functions, let fly.  Yet this was no ordinary sneese, it was a sneeze of unsurpassed might and magnitude. Because of the funny angle at which I sneezed, my naked stomach was covered with mucus.  I continued reading, my only thought "my, that is suprisingly refreshingly cold"  
  One morning after a huge night of drinking i was really hung over.  like i mean REALLY hung over, the sort of hung over where you think it would probably be better to just die.  anyway, what better way to cure this than to cook up a big fried breakfast.  a short time latter i am standing in the kitchen with a plate of bacon eggs tomato mushrooms some toast and a huge glass or orange juice.  now what do i need.  tv.  anyway, the living room here is slightly sunken down from the rest of the house.  just two steps.  i managed to misjudge the steps and fell flat on my face.  breakfast was ruined. so i cleaned it all up and cooked it all over again.  the same but more of it to make up for the trauma of losing my first breakfast.    i sit down on the couch and realise the remote is on the table on the other side of the room.  odviousally i had to go get it.  as i pick up the remote and turn around i see the dog on the couch, eating my second breakfast.  fuck this.  i went and bought some food.  
  > after i finished laughing > at her for saying "j/k" in > conversation, i mentioned > how it was funny when > people talk online for a long > time they start using im > shorthand. she looked confused > for a bit, and then told me > "what do you mean? > j/k is totally before im." >  > riiiight.  Actually, you pompous little monkey, girls were writing "j/k" in my seventh-grade yearbook in 1988.  Check yourself, Wrong Boy, and then go apologize.  
  had to do a speech for my public speaking class, in there they taught us to say something random at the beginning of a speech to gain attention  so before my first speech i proudly walked up there and spoke at the top of my voice saying "I LIKE SEX"  that got their attention  too bad the speech i had prepared was about how i admired my dead grandfather  
  The cable went out again. Boredom set in. His cat wandered by, unsuspecting. The dryer worked fine.  But we'll never get the smell out of it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I usually don't think very much while I'm in the shower.  Today, it seems, I was thinking less than usual.  I just grabbed my shampoo and started to lather my hair.  It didn't take me long to realize my hair wasn't even damp yet.  I quickly corrected the problem but...the bottle specifically states that hair should be wet first.  If a student named Eric on your campus is suddenly very bald in the next day or so, that may just be me.  And you already know why.  
  If a girl is a nice enough to shave down there for you, don't expect her to also be nice enough to refrain from kicking your ass if you complain about the little red bumps that come from removing the hair in such a sensitive place.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          okay.. I admit to it... yes, I danced in Wade's zebra striped undies and I enjoyed it dammit!!!!        
  Supposed to go to the neighborhood block party this weekend (Memorial Day). Supposed to bring potato salad. Supposed to make nice with all these idiots and their rancid  spawn, so the neighborhood can (as the flyer said) "come together in a spirit of love and harmony while remembering fallen heroes". Supposed to forget about the times your moron kids tortured my cat or the time you made fun at my expense because I don't dress the same as you all (Kmart, anyone?) or because I don't give a shit about your god (stop stop STOP telling me I'm going to hell because I don't think like you do). Not supposed to piss in the potato salad before I take it over there. Oopsie.   
  So I used to be a hostess at this little restuarant by my house.    One night, one of the servers got a major headache so they sent me to the pharmacy two doors down to pick up some aspirin.  Actually, I volunteered to go b/c I remembered that the last time I went, there was a hot guy working the cash register.  I walk in and glance over at the register ... JACKPOT! He's there. I pick up the meds for the server and do my best to "saunter seductively" over to the cash register.  Although, at this point I don't think it would have mattered if I had limped up to the counter ... he was looking me up and down like a piece of meat ... and I was loving every second.  He rings up the aspirin and asks "Will that be all?"  Think quick  "um, actually, can I use your restroom"  His eyes widen, he's on to me  "Sure, let me get the key and I'll unlock it for you"  We walk to the back of the store together.  The condom isle is positioned directly in front of the bathroom ... coincidence?  I jack a box without missing a step (yeah, i'm good).  He opens the door and as I step in, I grab onto his belt and pull him in with me.  Best quickie I've ever had.  
  No matter how much or how many drugs I have taken in my life, I have never sucked a dick to get drugs.  Once  because  of drugs, but never  for  drugs.  
  Jesus loves the little children. Apparently so do priests. A lot.   
  Let me explain something....we don't get our oil from Iraq.  It also takes months for oil from the middle east (countries freindly to us anyway) to become the gas you put in your car.  In the space of a week, gas has gone up like 40 cents.  When it gets to $2.00 a gallon, I think I'm going to start hijacking gas tankers a la Mad Max, and selling it for $1 for as much as you can carry away.  I'd be a fuel Robin Hood.  
  I went out for drinks with my cow-orkers. They were all light-weights. 4 shots of tequila, and they're rip-roaring drunk, while I'm simply laughing at them.  (I remember when I was a light-weight, it was a lot cheaper to get drunk back then.)  By the time we were kicked out of the restaurant, I was the only one sober enough to figure out the bill.   After everyone had chipped in, I simply neglected to tell them we were $30 over.   As it turns out, that $30 was just enough to get me drunk the next night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after eating a great meal it's decided the both of us need a nap.  "wake me up when it's time to get drunk"  sure thing hunny  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Does anybody else remember 'Pogs?' Those really lame little paper disks that kids used to throw against stacks of Pogs? They were a Lowbrow moment in themselves.   
  Prep school, New England, 1992.    It had snowed about 5 inches one day, and me and about 10 friends were standing outside of our dorm just fucking around, throwing snowballs and shit.  One of our dorm parents, who was such an asshole, comes outside.  He says to us "Now, don't be throwing snowballs at anyone, or else!" in the dick tone that he always used.  He starts walking away and quickly turns around in a joking manner a few times (with this look on his face like "ha!  they would NEVER actually throw one at me) and then continues on to his class.  Everyone standing there looks at each other, and with not one word spoken, it is decided that Mark, the captain of the football team, is the one chosen to nail him.  Now realize that this dorm parent is now about 100 feet away, and in his mind, out of range.  Mark packs a snowball, winds up, and throws a fastball harder than anyone expected.  It hums along and nails the dorm parent squarely in the back of his head so hard that it knocks his glasses off and drops him.  We all started laughing so hard that most of us were in the snow.  Man was he pissed.  We all got weekend detention (cause we wouldn't rat out who actually did it) and it was so worth it.    
  jay gave me a book to read and i blew it off cos i didnt have the time he asked for it back and as i was digging out of the pile of stuff that has become me i flipped through it page after page  i read it twice right there as it was a short book punctuationquestionmark "A Boy Called It" is the book if you ever think you have a shitty life read that book and you will be ever so glad you dont have that kids life         
  Ever been to one of those cheap-seat East Indian movie theatres where they show movies for a buck?  Me and two of my friends went once to see Bowling for Columbine, seeing as how the movie wasn't worth more than a buck.  Anyway, I guess my friend was a little inebriated or some shit, and couldn't remember the name of the movie, and asked for a ticket to see "Bowling for Taliban".  You can guess what happened next.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If a fast food restaurant was right next door to a liposuction clinic, would *you* eat the fries?        
  Food is made, table is set, candles are ready. She's coming over in an hour. I can kick back and relax. Nope -- just enough time to create the Playlist Of My Dreams. Two hours later, I'm gazing dreamily into her eyes, and she starts to sing along. She, in her wonderful Southern drawl: "I  love  this music! Who is this?" Never do  anything  sloppily when extremely-beautiful women are involved...  
  I was reading that one about the guy who was driving that girl to the concert.  You know, the one where she's changing underwear and she says not to look and he doesn't?  I thought to myself "God, what was he thinking?  that has gotta be a major missed opportunity there."  Then I realized I'm a pretty fucked up person.  
     Lowbrow World Exclusive!  Innocent British Lyrics #3 A Day In The Life  Sure, almost everyone knows that John Lennon got the "4000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire" line from a newspaper story.  Many people also know that the newspaper story had to do with the Moors Murders, where an old couple spent years abducting small children, killing them, and burying them on the moors above Blackburn. In investigating the case, the police estimated they dug 4000 holes.  But what nobody in the   world   except for me seems to know (not even Mr. Lennon, who wrote it*), is that the "Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall" line is a very specific reference to the movie  The Knack (and how to get it).   There are two London Casanovas in the movie, who are  so  popular with women that the movie depicts one of them as having an endless line of near-identical blondes in identical white mini-dresses on the stairs up to his apartment. After each one's fifteen minutes of spreadeagled fame, she signs the visitor book and leaves, holding the door open for the next one to come in and start undressing. Nobody's expression changes, and nobody speaks at all.  And the Albert Hall? The two Casanovas get to arguing about which one has nailed the most, and they decide to settle it by inviting all their "conquests" to the Albert Hall.  The number was actually closer to 6000, so that is the  real  number of "holes" that it takes to fill the Albert Hall.  ------------------ *"I was writing the song with the Daily Mail propped up in front of me on the piano, I had it open at their News In Brief, or Far and Near, whatever they call it. There was a paragraph about 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancaster, being discovered and there was still one word missing in that verse when we came to record. I knew the line had to go 'Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.' It was a nonsense verse really, but for some reason I couldn't think of the verb. What did the holes do to the Albert Hall? It was Terry (Doran) who said 'fill' the Albert Hall." John Lennon So, who are you going to believe, Mr. Limbo or some guy named Lennon?  
  After we had sex it was silent for a second.  We both lit a cigarette and then, first thing that comes out of his mouth is...real thoughtfully..."You don't even know my name, do you?"  And as I grasp for his name, I realize that I don't know it.    Wow...that was awkward.  
  In high school, I got the pull aside talk from my girlfriend's father.  It was about sex and screwing his daughter and the like.  The creepy thing was...after I had admitted to having sex with his daughter...he wanted to know how she was.  How in Christ's Hell do you answer that one, smart guy?  
  unlucky bastard...   they're not McShakes,  they're McFlurries you retard        
      I have often touched myself in bed while dreaming about my ex boyfriend. I can never seen to pleasure myself the way he did. Makes me want to get back together with him again.     
  mwuus long lost sarahblowjobchick from a porno is not the sarah he wishes he got someone that nice to touch him anywhere  ever  amazing what the delusions of drunks will entail besmirching the name of a lessthaninnocent girl is besmirching nonetheless      
  Through a series of bizarre incidents several independant inside jokes have been merged by my friends. So now, whenever someone keeps blathering on with no end in sight, first we interrupt them by asking "...and then he had a seizure?" Then, without missing a beat, in a thick German accent we add, "Because Club Anal is closed." If they try to continue talking after that, we grab them by the shirt, head quivering in mock frustration, and in our worst Peter Lorre impersonation, we say "FINISH.....the....story!"  
  i was working flat out at work took a moment to have a piss.  Checking out my hair in the mirror I suddenly realised I had yanked out my tool and was busy pissing in the sink.  I had done this completely unconsciously and the as the stall was free I had no possible explanation for anyone that happened to venture in.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Haiku to my new microfibre bra:  So soft I must go To the bathroom at school just To feel myself up  
  Bored and stupid from the heat, me and a friend of mine, Cory, stopped in the local Golden Coral for a bite to eat and a cold drink. Cory being heavier than I was, decided to eat for a fucking hour...  So in the meantime...  With a bowl of gummies bears, add one bowl of lightly whipped cream...and whal-la!   Instantly you have the worlds largest gummie bear orgy spanning two tables and offending many-a-customers at your local Golden Coral.  Cory loved the idea and joined in...  Offering just about evering postion in the book, we blew whipped cream and lewd candy bears across the tables until we were satisfied and went home to watch pornos.  
   The light at the end of the tunnel is a brilliantly illuminated scoreboard that says God 7, Humans 2.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've always thought that I was special. I always recieved special attention as a child and was treated differently from all the other kids. When we went to the pool my father would throw me in with out any floating devices because he knew I would be able to swim on the first try. My mother always let me take extra long naps in the car when she was in classes at her Florida university. Even my sister always let jump first when we were playing "fly off the roof"  It wasnt until later when my uncle Roy told me there was a conspiracy against me that I realized that everybody was just trying to kill me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         jesus, people have sex with the weirdest things: pool cues, dogs, cats,each other...  my sisters and i each got an electrical toothbrush this past christmas.  about a week after one of my one of my sisters had gone back to school she called and thanked my mother for the toothbrushes for close to ten minutes.  when i talked to her later she said the vibrating head did miracles for her down under.  holy fucking shit  
  I was out in the yard with my big brother, chasing each other while Dad was working in the house.  He did something that made me call him a sonofabitch and then said he was going to go tell on me.  He went inside.  A deep voice from the kitchen window commanded: "Cameron, come and apologize to your brother."  I complied.  I apologized to my brother in front of my dad.  Me:  I'm sorry, Rob.  Rob:  For what?  Me:  Calling you a sonofabitch.  Dad:  You said what!?  Get in your room, goddammit!   Turns out my brother does a pretty good dad impression.  
  can't remember if i told this one yet or not.  my family has a good number of crazy drunks in it, the most hilarious being my aunt allison.  one night while getting thoroughly liquored up, she and her husband were talking about their obnoxious, violent, incredibly annoying 5 year old demon child they refer to as a son.  her husband says something trivial and boring about him, and she replies with "he has nothing to be ashamed about, he's hung like a horse!"  hmm.  
  It was when I looked down at the case of beer and liter of Jack Daniels that I had just purchased that I said to myself, I'm going to fucking puke tonight.  
  My girlfriend and I are planning on having a threesome with another woman next week.  (Woo, my first threesome ever!)  This is exceptionally lowbrow because we'll be doing it in my parents' bed.  Yes, really.  Because, you see, my bed is way too small for that sort of thing, as my girlfriend casually observed the other night.  "No threesomes in your bed," my girlfriend began...  "Unless it's with a midget!" we both finished at the same time.  That's when I knew it was love.  
  His hat and beard gave him an avuncular, even professorial, look. His alcoholic breath could have sterilized surgical instruments. Four blocks later, the passengers pointed out that he might want to start the meter. Which he did. Chatty the way drunks are, he hypnotized himself listening to the various spins he could put on the same thought. Did I mention he repeated himself?  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  when i was in high school i made the swim team dweeb take me and my  girlfriend to his house for lunch. his parents werent home. she would sit in my lap while we ate ham sandwiches.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This really hot guy was hitting on me the other night while we played poker.  He finally asked for my number as I was leaving.  I noticed that I was unusually wet, and figured I'd go clean up before I got on my boyfriend's motorcycle to ride home (I was wearing a dress and no panties, and that does not make for a polite motorcycle passenger).  Note:  My boyfriend is an asshole.  I have no problem giving my number to other guys, because if I ever find a nicer guy, I'll dump the current boy.  When I went to clean up in the bathroom, I realized that I wasn't wet.  I'd started my period and it was about 10 seconds from dripping onto my formal shoes.  I stopped a girl at the elevator and asked for a tampon.  She said, "come up to my room, I have some in there..."  NO, this is not going where you think it is...  So all she has are the applicator-free OB tampons.  Never used one.  Apparently, I didn't take the plastic off before inserting it.  Later that night, I had to try to sort of "pop" it out.  Good thing I do my kegels.  Anyway, this whole story is somewhat lowbrow in itself, but the lowest moment?    While thanking the girl for the tampon and the use of her bathroom, I introduced myself.  She had the same name.  Instead of saying, "what a coincidence" or some stupid crap like that, she ACTUALLY SAID:  "O-M-G!!"  I was embarrassed for her, and embarrassed for me because we have the same name.  
  i'm at this health food store.  they're handing out free samples in those little plastic cups made of #5 plastic which you can't recycle practically anywhere.  so they're throwing them away.  amidst all these hippier-than-thou types who have to get into their stylish silver vans and drive 10 miles to get their soy milk and organically grown peanuts or whateverthefuck, they advocated the very practice which so many of their customers must protest, or at least pay lip-service to protest.  recycle, you dumb shits.  don't sell me soy milk and vegetarian TV dinners and then not recycle.  well, i didn't shop there again, but i noticed my mother had bought some hummus dip from there, also in a container of #5 plastic.  i'd write them a letter of complaint, but i'm too lazy, and it wouldn't do any good anyway.  
  A little bit of background. There used to be this TV commercial that preached the dangers of exceeding the posted speed limit on Canada's roads.  It has a token asian woman cruising with some anonymous white guy in their mini-van when suddenly they spot a jackknifed flatbed truck (or something like that) up ahead.  Immediately, the anonymous white guy gives a laughable stern/worried look and slams on the breaks.  The asian woman does a good job pretending to winch and pray that they get out of it alive.  'Lo and Behold, they stop about 1M from the truck, catch their breath, and look at each other thankfully.  Seconds later, another minivan screeches by and plows into the truck...  The sound it made was quite convincing.  Suddenly the commercial fades to white and says "The first van was travelling at 100 km/h.  The second van 105 km/h".  Well anyways, when I first saw the commercial I happened to be sitting with my then girlfriend.  I made the comment that if I was about to plow into a truck but saw a stopped minivan instead, I'd opt to plow into the back of it...  You know, crumple zones, airbags, all that shit.  Sure the people in front of me may be injured or even killed, but I'd probably escape with a few cuts and bruises...  Well, we both laughed about it then, but now that I think of it, I wish somebody had been around to punch me in the face and knock loose a few of my teeth.  My, how your outlook on life can change in a few years.  
  I bought this stuffed penguin that talked a while back at Sea World. The three phrases were:  "I am a King Penguin. I have feathers but I cannot fly."  "Caw Caw, Caw Caw Caw, Caw"  and my favorite...  "I like to eat mold fish and with plankton"  Ahh, toys made in Japan are wonderful.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Shortly after getting engaged, I went to visit my future Mother-In-Law.  My fiancee and I stayed for a couple of days.  The first night we all played cards together and had some drinks.  I had way too much and ended up spending a good part of the night vomiting in the bathroom and falling asleep with my head resting on the bathtub ledge.  My fiancee had to come get me out of there at about 3am so her Mother wouldn't trip over me in case she got up to go during the night.  
  "You going over to see that band tonight?" -- "Naw, a friend of mine shot himself in the face yesterday morning. I gotta go to some sort of wake thing." "Oh. Have a good one." -- "Yeah, later."   
  is this the train to London?  asked the American woman,  SLR camera drooped ungainly around her terribly kitch floral patterned blouse, under which protruded her cheesey tourists "I've been to Cambridge" t-shirt.  "yes it is"  she passed me as I got on and settled two carriages up the train.  -as it took off in the wrong direction   so this'll be the train to.....?   I waited for the announcement to finish.   "....waterbeach, peterborough ,...etc...Edinborough.   Ok, so.........terminating a few hundred miles from London!   in the wrong direction.  shit.   I felt so foolish after the advice I had given with confidence.  so much so, that I got off at the next stop and said nothing.   hope she wasn't catching a flight!  
  half-drunk off nasty-ass boone's in a sketchy hotel in nyc with my little brother while my parents are out having dinner...    we put the bottles outside of someone else's door, about three rooms down from ours.  the next morning, our parents saw the bottles and said something about the drunks down the hall.  we giggled into our mittens.  I don't ever, ever want to grow up.  
  8 years old.  At this little pussy-camp, where we all stay in cabins with AC and bathrooms and everything.  About 8 guys to a bathroom.  It's late at night, after everyone else has already gone to bed.  I have to take a shit.  There's an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, soaked, but not pissed on or anything.  I could've used the plunger handle to lift it out.  Instead, I shit on it.  The next morning the three dads who chaperoned are pissed: they're not messing with that.  Everybody denies it.  But somebody says they were awake last night.  They saw me.  Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Prep school, New England, 1992.    It had snowed about 5 inches one day, and me and about 10 friends were standing outside of our dorm just fucking around, throwing snowballs and shit.  One of our dorm parents, who was such an asshole, comes outside.  He says to us "Now, don't be throwing snowballs at anyone, or else!" in the dick tone that he always used.  He starts walking away and quickly turns around in a joking manner a few times (with this look on his face like "ha!  they would NEVER actually throw one at me) and then continues on to his class.  Everyone standing there looks at each other, and with not one word spoken, it is decided that Mark, the captain of the football team, is the one chosen to nail him.  Now realize that this dorm parent is now about 100 feet away, and in his mind, out of range.  Mark packs a snowball, winds up, and throws a fastball harder than anyone expected.  It hums along and nails the dorm parent squarely in the back of his head so hard that it knocks his glasses off and drops him.  We all started laughing so hard that most of us were in the snow.  Man was he pissed.  We all got weekend detention (cause we wouldn't rat out who actually did it) and it was so worth it.    
  8:00am-5:00pm  repeat 5 times and that's my life.  zzzzzzz        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once had a Biology teacher who dropped her keys into the toilet after doing her business.  There are many things that people would do to fix the situation.  Maybe get the plunger and try to fish them out that way.  Or perhaps find some kind of brush or stick to retrieve them that way.    Not her.  She thought the best way to get her keys was to flush the toilet.  I guess she thought that there was some kind of complex filter that would reject her keys and make them magically pop back out or something.    No wonder she was teaching 9th grade biology.  She also looked like the wicked witch of the east if that's saying anything.  And she had a monkey that went by the name of Leo.  
    You know that the world has really changed when your mom talks about oral sex and fisting.      
  I went to the beach the other day. Walked on the pier in the Gulf. Saw a bunch of dolphins, some sea turtles, sharks, and some people having sex in the water.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My one moment to shine in last year's production of West Side Story was to change the backdrops with my friend -- we were Curtain Girls.  Then, during opening night, the backdrops got stuck.  I whispered furiously to Renee, "Dammit, now we're not even good enough to be Curtain Girls -- we're just "Girls" now!"       
  In college, a buddy of mine broke his jaw and had to have it wired shut. He wasn't supposed to drink, because if he puked he could choke on it. Yeah, in college and not drinking...So what he used to do was go to the bars with a pair of wire snips...  
  So yah, in 10th grade I had this incredibly sweet old math teacher, a damn cool lady. About halfway through the year she stops coming in, the principal comes in tells us she's taking some "time off". So about 3-4 months and 8 subs later she shows back up, walks into class and announces she had a nervous breakdown and the electro shock therapy they used erased her memory from the first half of the year so she didn't remember who a single one of us was. A buddy of mine with ADD walked into the room one day with a mug with the label from his meds on it, when she saw it her whole face lit up and she proceeded to have an entire in depth long conversation about her various meds and what they do to her, Wow, such a cool little lady too, guess you never do know...   
  in elementary school the bus driver yelled at me and i told him to lick my balls. he said he would, if they weren't in-between my ears. everyone laughed but i cried.  
  My girlfriend and I were sitting on my couch at about 3:45 pm.  Somehow we began to talk about masterbation.  I told her that I never wack off because I thought it would ruin the real experience.  She thought it very valiant of me. It was at this point I made a move on her.  She told me she had to go do something and left.  10 minutes later she walks in with a friend.  There I am...wacking off...on the couch.  
  Don't tell the kids, but most of the crap they learn in school, they'll have no use for.  What the hell did I study algebra for? I use simple arithmetic, that's it. How does knowledge of the history of the Roman Empire help me? It doesn't.  
  i was hooking up with this girl and after she went down on me i figured i'd return the favor.  so i'm downsouth with two fingers on her g and going at her clit with my tounge when suddenly she just starts spurting. at first i thought she was a squirter and then i realized how wrong it was.  i had her pee in my mouth and all over my clothers as we sat there discussing this "problem" she has. she knew about it before hand; she fucking knew.  
  A square wants to come on hip...talks about `pod`, and smokes it now and then, and keeps some around for the fast hollywood types. `Thanks, kid` I tell him. `I can tell you`re one of our own.` His face lights up like a pinball machine, with stupid, pink effect.  
  "you know i've found that the more unusual a person tries to look, the less interesting they are to talk to"  "wow" i said "nice pants"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  The Date:  Any given Saturday of the year.  Customer:  Is the Sunday bagel sale today?  Me:  The Sunday bagel sale is on Sunday.  Customer:  Don't get smart with me!  I deserve more than minimum wage for dealing with this.  
  another target moment:  unpacking a box of merchandise shipped from some asian country, china or korea or whatever, and finding in the box a three-page letter written in those chinese/japanese/whatever characters we're all familiar with.  i have no idea what the letter really said, but to this day i wonder if it said something like, "help me! i'm 9 years old and i am being forced to work in this sweatshop making cheap plastic goods for your rampant american consumerism and i'm only getting paid 3 dollars american a week!!!"   but probably it didn't.  
  In BK grabbing some chow. These two sancitmonious arsewipes are arguing vehomently about "did God have to change his plans for each of them because they had fallen to sin, OR were they meant to fall into sin, as God had planned for them"...Finish my burger, having had enough of their spewage, stop lean over, and inform them that I, as a representative of the devil himself, was ashamed of the fact that they had joined our club, and was granting them immunity from sin from now on. Howl like belch, about face, and out the door without a sound in the restaraunt, but the clapping of the rest of us lowbrowers.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was in Boston today, and I went to use this public bathroom, right, kinda quiet in the city..Sunday night and all.   So I walk in, I gotta do my business pretty bad, and the bathrooms are straight ahead. To the right are the sinks.  And, with pants pulled down, sitting in the sink, hands all soaped up, digging into asshole hairs with the mirrors doubling up this horrid image, cleaning his asshole or something, is this bummy looking guy.  I made sure to use a different sink when I was done in the bathroom.   I don't think I will ever use a public restroom ever again.    
  Frenching kissing with a moutful of Poprocks is a helluvalotta fun  
  what is it with people insisting they dont masturbate? one of my coworkers told me today that he gave up masturbating a couple years ago. he's 20. uh-huh, sure you did.  
  I'd thought I was pretty good at knowing my limits. But at the first alcoholic event of my freshman year, I somehow managed to drink enough to knock me flat on my stomach, unconscious, in a puddle of my own vomit -- within the first 45 minutes.   The next few hours were spent first crying and puking in the bathroom, then sobbing on the floor of my bedroom for no apparent reason (hint: never ask to hear "The Drugs Don't Work" when your BAC is above .2), then having two friends lead me around by the hands whilst I eagerly stumbled up to any guy who looked remotely familiar and oh-so-casually asked: "So I don't suppose you'd be interested in having sex with me?" When the inevitable rejection came, I merely shrugged and turned to look for my next target.   Eventually I sobered up enough to handle myself again. My friends went to bed, and in a last-ditch effort I casually turned to some poor geeky fellow who'd been following us around for a while and asked: "So I don't suppose you'd be interested in having sex with me?"  "Really?!" he said hopefully.   I ended up spending the night in his bed, but even though I consumed several more ounces of peppermint shnapps, I couldn't bring myself to go through with it.   I'd like to say this whole incident taught me a lesson, but similar episodes happened again more often than I'd like to admit. Like the following weekend.   I'd like to say I've gotten better at soliciting sex, too, but probably not.   
  Sunday afternoon.....late afternoon.  Cleaning the bong in the kitchen sink, accidently tap it aginst the unforgiving porcelin.   SHIT! It's got a crack in it. Damn it all to hell....  Honey, quick, we have to run down to the flea market in the next 30 minutes to get a replacement.  Ah, the things we do for love.  
  Note to self: Before putting on clean panties, you must take off the pair you are currently wearing.  
  My five steps to successfully masturbating:  Step 1: Download Internet porn.  Step 2: Masturbate.  Step 3: Realize that said porn is skanky, delete it.  Step 4: Get horny again.  Step 5: Go back online, download exact same porn, go back to step 2.  
  "Now Greg, you can go out, but you have to be back by 10:30 tonight."  "But Mom, why?"  "Because you're a pussy, dear."  
  Visiting Mystic Aquarium with my first wife, we are appalled by the entrance fee.  She is 24 years old, 4' 10" tall, and  very  young looking.  So we put her hair in braids, and buy her a big lollipop.  With her yanking at me and babbling about the "big fishies," I successfully ask for one adult and one "child under 12" ticket.  Hmmm -- after writing that, a thought: Maybe if I'd been into pedophilia, the marriage might have lasted longer...    
  My boyfriend just found out that I use his Playstation controller to masturbate. I thought he'd be mad, but the first words out of his mouth afterwards was "Really? You're cool. Which game?"  Ladies, Grand Theft Auto 3 is great for turning the controller into a vibrator.  
  Guys with beards all know about The Smell.  There's nothing like sitting in a crowded room with the "delicate" aroma of girlcum wafting up into your nose and knowing you're probably the only one there who is smelling such a thing.    The flipside, of course, is that when you go down on a skank it takes six or seven washings to get the smell out.  Oh well, such is the price of facial hair.  
  says the man into a cell phone  "Do your parents happen to be first cousins? (pause) You're acting like a complete simpleton. You're either an idiot or the most thick headed person I have ever met. (pause) I find your behavior disgraceful!"  He is silent for at least 2 minutes, and then   "Oh yes, I do! Only now I know who I am protecting you against. Like it or not, you're a menace until you have recovered. In all good conscience, I can't leave you to your own. I guess you could say I am protecting you from yourself, Steve."  I really wish I could have heard the other side of the conversation...    
  You know that "pop" sound a toilet makes right after it just forces down an unusually large dump?  That's the sound of victory.   
  Spit or swallow?  That's easy.  Always swallow. Spitting is unladylike.  
  i do believe girls have more skill when it comes to farting. not only can we time them, but we can make them quiet or loud as hell. men just fart.  
   If God did not want us to masturbate.... He would have given us shorter arms..... Or better men.       
  His Lowbrow Moment:  "A six hour ride between Seattle and Portland became a nightmare in a mere ten minutes.   "Hi." he said as I sat down next to him.   "You know... you probably have hookworms. I am a representative of The Awareness Corporation, have you ever heard of us?"     At that very moment I was being interviewed by some TV reporter in the airport relating his misery of bad weather, no airplane landings and a long bus ride from Seattle. It was aired that evening on a Portland TV station.  That then became his lowbrow moment and newsworthy all at the same time.  And he came to visit to get away from the cold weather.  The Brow is the Best!  
  I actually met someone online once, and we hit it off, spending several vacations with each other. Then I decided a long-distance relationship just wasn't what I wanted, and I broke it off. Naturally he took this as a sign we were meant to be, and spent far too much time emailing and phoning me.  In the meanwhile, due to laziness, I gained about 20 pounds, gave in to his whining, and sent him a new photo. I never heard from him again. True love comes with a weigh limit.  
  I was pretty good friends with her brother before we started dating. We are sitting at his house talking, and she is telling us about her trip to the eye doctor. I lean over to her bro and say, "Yeah, I keep telling her that semen will clear up that astigmatism."  He just stares at me.  Then I realize who I am talking to.  Shit.  
  It took me three tries to get to this site.  First I typed in "www.lwobrow.com" then I typed in "www.loebrow.com".  I'm not even drunk.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Nine of Swords: Cruelty. Illness. Suffering. Malice. Pain. Despair. Pitilessness. Suffering. Want. Loss. Misery. Lying.  Position: 4th: The goal. This card shows what you desire. If the card is confusing then you must discover the aspect of your goal to which the card refers. This card also may suggest that a reappraisal of your goals is in order.   
  The 8 revolving doors in my building are forever being turned. Counterclockwise. All day. People moving in and out. Using human energy to push these doors. Can't they install a shaft connected to a gear, connected to some kind of generator? Light a lightbulb. Charge a battery. Something.   It's doing nothing.        
  When I was 16, I worked at McDonalds.  Every Wednesday the local group of mormons would come in, order the cheapest things, complain, leave the place a mess, and hassle me.  I started to wear a nametag with NATAS, Satan backwords, on the nights that the mormons were due... they left me alone after that!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she was 16; she calls to tell me the guy she lost her virginity to is engaged.  i was 19; i laugh like hell that her first lay's bout to tie the knot.  i think how traumatic that must be.  then it hit me, my first lay had already been married for about a year at the time of the aforementioned phone call.  i stopped laughing; it wasn't really that traumatic.  more like pathetic.  
  there is a great line from a book (and subsequent movie) called "under the volcano."   the protaganist is drunk as shit--and has been for days--, standing outside of a bar, and he is asked what he is doing out there.   he responds, as he wobbles unsteadily on his feet: "i've heard tell that the world goes round and round. that being the case, i am going to stand right here until my house comes by. then when it does, i am going to go inside, go up to my room, and lock my door."  despite my many attempts, i have never been able to get that right, standing outside of a bar, drunk as shit.      
  When I was young I used to use a lot of toilet paper to wipe my ass.  My mother was always bitching about it to my sisters who she was sure was using it all up.  I got away.  Scott free.  
  TLC PRINCESS  Have you not had EVERY other freggin holiday off? Isn't it bad enough you've flirted and fluttered your way to where you are? Don't think that you've actually done real work until now, I know better. FYI -- kissing another boy IS cheating on your boyfriend; most people find it offensive the way you fling yourself at that married man (can you get anymore sexual? why don't you just drop his pants right there in the office? ICK!) Maybe you got by flirting and whining through high school and college. This IS the real world and someday, when you get out of here and into a REAL job, you're going to be sadly disappointed when you see that WHINERS do not make the world go round. OH, by the way, the world does not revolve around you, your brother's stupid football games or your pathetic relationship (must be nice to have someone who can buy you anything. wonder what he'd think if he knew what you did here!)  TLC PRINCESS 2 I guess they were right when they say that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. She was promoted for doing less work than anyone else in the office, but looking as though she was busier than hell. Now I have to listen to her whiny, squeaky voice all day long. "I'm so faaaaat." "I'm going to cut my hair, my hair sucks" whine, whine WHINE!!!! I am SO glad that our entire section is getting laid off in less than 150 days. (phew) Nevermind about the severance package. I'm most excited because we won't have to hear your whining anymore. (BTW, you AREN'T as loved as you THINK you are by everyone in the office -- you've gossiped and been mean-spirited behind one too many backs)          
  It's actually like a challenging scavenger hunt to find quality pornography for free on the net.  Hours and hours...        
  I have come to realize that my shit changes colour depending on my diet.  So far I have been able to produce green, black, and a whole variety of browns.  Once I figure out how to do flourescent orange, my life will be complete.  
  you are like a mouse and she was like a fucking keyboard...  ...?...  i continued:  a key only needs a finger while the mouse needs a hand.  
     Him: "How's the air down there sawed-off?"   Me: "Tall people go to hell."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Kid" Mankowitz and I were 12.  We picked grapefruits off of Old Lady Webster's tree and rode around on our bicycles throwing semi-ripe grapefruits at old people walking with their rolling wire baskets on their way to the grocery store.  They usually went down pretty hard.   We called this sport "Granny Hunting". The other thing that we loved to do then (1962) was walk into "filling stations" bathrooms and kick open the stall doors and squirt water and throw shit at guys sitting on the throne trying to take a dump.  They were defensless.  They were hostile.  We were ELATED.  Once we turned 50 we stopped doing this stuff.  However, it's now been 6 months since our last "hit" and we are "jonesing", so..............................  
  KY and bible in the same sentence?  How about: "I wrote the bible on the uses of KY."  
  I was driving buy a bank once with my friend, and there was a guy in a full body like frosty the snowman style suite. Big smiley face, long ass nose, the whole thing. Looked like F'ing disney. So for whatever reason, I get out of the Sunroof and give him the double finger. This dumbass minimum wage prick drops his "grand opening" sign, and with his two big frosty white hands, gives me the double back. Have you ever seen a smiley snowman flipping someone off? It's funnier than you will ever be able to imagine.  
  Redneck Haiku:  I Wake Up At Noon Take A Shit And Smoke A Cig Outhouse Then Explodes  
  I can't wait to have kids so I can eat their Halloween candy.  
  I always heard that New Yorkers were indifferent to people but never experienced it until I had the following happen to me. My little brother and I were standing outside a restaurant waiting for our parents. I called him an asshole. He kicked me full out in the nuts. You'd figure that at least SOMEONE would stop for a kid rolling around in the street crying and holding his nuts. Nope. They just step over (or on) you. Fucking New York.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was a virgin and had a steady boyfriend.  I was at a friend's house rolling around on his bed half naked.  All of a sudden he stopped and asked about him...It was the first time his name had even enter my mind.  I dismissed it and proceeded to continue taking my clothes off.  We fucked for the next three hours in every way we could think of...my boyfriend found out and was torn to peices. And  I never  apologized.  I wasn't sorry for it.  
  Number of shot glasses in my cupboard: 27 Number of drinking glasses in my cupboard: 3  
  So we were driving around in a 1977 Volvo or some shitful car, wearing Metallica shirts with long hair and Chuck's Allstars and blasting head banging muic.  We drove by an office building and waved to a businessman walking out to his car.  He didn't wave back.  My friend called him a "fucking disrespectful punk."  Sheesh... businessmen nowadays.  
   LowBrow War Medal  When my dad died, my mom gave me all his old WWII medals. None of them were very fancy - he never got above corporal, after all - but among them was the single medal my grandfather ever earned. From the Boer War. He never got above private, but he was certainly proud of his Temperance Medal. Gorgeous thing, solid silver, with the words: "Be Sober" on the back. My mom told me the story. Seems he was a bit of a drinker, my granddad, but one night in the pub he took an enormous bet that he could win the Temperance Medal. To qualify, he had to stay sober for a full year. Tough bet, but the stakes were  high . A year later, the medal was pinned on him, he collected his bet (about three month's wages), and went out and got pissed.  So  pissed that he got court-martialled. They couldn't strip him of his rank, so they threw him in the cooler for a month. Nice to know it runs in the family...  
  "you can't have children," my mother said. we were standing in the crib aisle at Toys-R-Us, killing time before a movie. "you can't have children because I refuse to get them plastic furniture."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
     As I entered El Farolito i could hear the swinging mexican music blaring over the sizzle of organ meats and hum of conversation.  The song quickly changed to Hotel California, and I laughed over the easily recognized opening bars.  The irony of this on such a cold rainy night.  The haven of burritos!    While creeping along in line, closer to my culinary destination, i heard clips of conversation pierce through Don Henley and mates.  :...she was giving him head..." said the high pitched voice.   -"my roommate Paul.."  -"On a dark desert highway..."  -"..she had it in her mouth...and then her mouth was full"   The policemen at the next table were unfazed.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
        I have court tomorrow for three traffic tickets. Driving on suspended liscense, no insurance and no registration. This all just HAD to happen the same day i bought the damn car. AND 20 hours before my suspension was over. I was SOO damn sure it had ended the day before I got pulled over too. If I had known it was still on lockdown I would never have bought that damn car. What sucked most was the day I got pulled over was when I went over to my girlfriends house to find out she had her ex boyfriend over and lied to me about what her plans were for the evening. This is truly a lowbrow moment for yours truly :\  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Have you decided on something?" she asked looking at the menu he wastapping on the counter.  "Give me a Sierra."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  it was getting close to my moms birthday and i was going to send her a card. I picked up one she would like, put it in the envelope, addressed the envelope, and sealed it. Then i realized i forgot to sign it. So i just signed the back of the envelope and hoped she would see it.  
  I'm in Steak and Shake with my friend, and the waiter comes over to check and see how we're doing.  The first thing out of his mouth:  "Ever work with someone you hate so much you just want to ram a fork in their eye?"  *pause*  My friend and I in unison: "Oh, yeah."  "So how's the food?"  "Great!"  *thumbs up*  We left him a big tip.  More waiters should say shit like that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Frank is 49 years old.  Never been married, has lived in New York all his life.  He had a chance once, but that is long gone.  Frank is neat, clean, sad.  All he's got is the diner, and the diner has gone bad.  It used to be fine.  Businessmen, construction workers, cops would have eggs and coffee.  Then the neighbohood goes bad.  And goes from bad to worse.  Pill poppers, whores, junkies, dopes.  Day in and day out, hustlers and evil men.  Brokedown people, and Frank doesn't want to help them.  They stink.  They fuck and shoot junk and nobody gives a shit about him.  Or his diner.  He worked hard all his life.  7 to 7 every fucking day.  He gets Christmas off.  He lives in a small one bedroom apartment that is very clean and organized.  But, it's not safe.  No where is safe.  All those people, and not one of them is worth a shit.  John, maybe John.  But even Johnnie doesn't like him.  He tried so hard, but it's the diner that'll have him.  Until it kills him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!"   If it only worked that way, Grandma.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         everyday after i get out of my late afternoon classes at school i walk across the street to my car.  the last 100 or so feet are through a field that has cactus growing around the edges.    in fall in Texas, the cacti grow cactus fruit (prickly pears).  ever sence i was about 8 or 9 i have loved cactus, so i walked over and pick one today to have as a little snack.  as is normal, i get some splinters, not alot and i get all but a few out (the fruit is worth every prick).  well, i get home and put it in the fridge to cool so i can cut out the rest of the spines and eat it.  as i wait for it to chill i get online and start to whackoff to free internet porn.  here us the lowbrow... remember how i didnt get all the needles out of my hand? well it turns out that one somehow transferred from my hand to smiley, so i had to run accross the house, with my pants around my ankles,  to the bathroom to get the tweezers to pull it out.  to make things worse the pear was all rotten inside, so i went through all that for nothing.  but rest assured that i will try for another pear tomarrow.  
  I was playing a night time game of paint ball with my friends.  It was in this field that was being turned into a parking lot for the hospital next door.  I told my friend to go in front of me and sweep the area for foes and obstacles.  He gave me the all clear.  I step down into a crater, and plant my leg up to my knee in human waste.  I stepped in the remains of a out house for the construction workers.  After I pulled off all the leaches at home, I bleached my leg.  Good Night.  
  "is it lowbrow if..."  yes it's fucking lowbrow.  even if it's dumbest piecest tripe on the internet, you, my friend, are lowbrow for both your moment (no matter how gut-wrenchingly pathetic) and for the fact that you posted it... hoping for a little fame, even if it's just here in internet-land.  it really need not be said what i am for even being bothered by this.  
  A sign on the inside of the door of a women's restroom stall at a very large Texas car dealership.  'Ladies, please don't sprinkle when you tinkle. Think of the next person.'        
  When my mom was helping me dress she zipped my penis up in my fly. It hurt.        
  I lost my virginity when I was 16.  I've never went over a month without sex.  Even two weeks is rare.  I'm now 24.  And I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years.    Is that lowbrow or just being really really easy?  
  The greatest party drink ever?  Cool Mint Listerine, recipe as follows:  Take one Cool Mint Listerine bottle, empty, and wash thoroughly.  Fill with two parts vodka, one part peppermint schnappes.  Add three drops blue food coloring.  Refrigerate in the freezer for optimum drinkability.  It looks, tastes, and smells like the mouthwash.  Show up at a party drinking this shit and everyone thinks you're crazy.  Cops will think that it's a bottle of mouthwash.  It drinks very smoothly, and it's 80-100 proof (depending on the specific alcohols you use).  Plus, the bottle comes with its own shotglass, and your breath will always be minty fresh, even after vomiting.  
  Walking through the student center, surrounded by student solicitors.  Buy a CD?  Donate for the muslims in Canada!  Sell us your soul!  One last desk on the right.  "Breast cancer ribbon?"  Automatically, "no thanks."  A murmur goes through the group.  "What?  Did he say no?  Why would he say no?"  I didn't mean to.  "What can I say, I like breast cancer."  Oops.  
  My friend Andy once took a shit on a rock for $1.  Then we shot BB holes through it.  
  On Yahoo's main page:   MOST popular searches:  Kobe Bryant  Games  Saddam Hussein  Orlando Bloom  Atkins Diet  Angelina Jolie (I vicariously made out with her once)  Britney Spears  IRS  Fantasy Football  Bob Hope   Its funny. Porn isnt on the list.  Yeah right.    
  My wife asked me what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday.  I told her I wanted her to get a keg or two of beer, rent my high school gym, and invite 20 of my best guy friends for a game of old-fashioned battleball.  Instead, we had a pizza party with mostly her friends and their kids.  
  SAVE MONEY ON YOUR COKE!  use credit cards with no numbers on them for cutting.    this way, none gets lost in the rivets of the played out visa card   forget platinum and gold! i want my target card and library card!  
  I'm 22 years old  I come home after I had spend the night at a frien's house. I greet my mother who was waching TV and ask where my father is.  -In your room- she tells me -looking for a suitcase-.  Suddenly a sense of despir overwelmes me. I run to my room to find my father opening THE suitcase.  I take my hands to my face and cry in a bearly audible voice  -OH ... NO-  As I look at my father again, he is now closing THE suitcase and stares at me. Not saing a word, he proceeds to take THE suitcase and walk out of my room.  I folow him to the backyard of our house where in a corner he has a small fireplace where he prepares BBQ almost every sunday. In this corner he opens THE suitcase and let all of its contents fall into the fireplace. He then takes a bottle of alcohol and pours it all into the fireplace. He lights a match and throws it into the fireplace.  As he is leaving I can see a small simle in his face. I stay behind watching in disbelive what to me is a horror scene...  This happend about a month ago, and I'm still figuring out how on earth am I going to compile almost TEN YEARS WORTH OF PORN (magazines, CD's, videos and DVD's)...  I have started though... I have a cable connection to the glorios internet... but still... T  E  N   Y  E  A  R  S.  =SIGH=  
  "FUCKING GIMP!" I shouted. Peoples heads craned around, shock and anger present on their faces, their expressions set with righteous outrage at my mockery of the disabled. As I rose my hands, revealing the knotted and twisty ball of plastic thread I had been working on for thirty minutes, the storm abated, anger broke down replaced by happiness, mass chuckles popped up everywhere, and throughout the group spread the euphoria of an experience so humorous, well timed, and irreverent, that it makes real life feel just a little bit more like a movie.   
  i'm trapped in the main office today... am flat broke & havent eaten anything but there's a meeting going on in the big conference room & they have food  in serving tins. when the meeting's over they'll put the food out...  in the meantime i went for a walk through the ugly office park  the building next door's been empty since this company moved out some years ago  i walked behind the thing and smoked a bowl.  nobody saw casue it's like 60 degrees and cloudy none of the fat people went for a walk      
  Sleeping in your own vomit does wonders for your skin. Not so good for the rest of your body, however.  
  I went to Disneyland a few years ago and while I was standing in line to go on the Space Mountain ride, I noticed Sarah Michelle Gellar was in line with a couple of her friends right in front of me. She farted very loudly several times. They were all laughing and when they turned around and noticed I was laughing too, they gave me the look of death. I never watched "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" again.  
  "She's really going to like this" I though as I buzzed the offending hair off my scrotum. "Hrmm, this feels kind of nice" I thought, "but where the hell is the blood coming from ?!" A tiny fold of nut-sack skin got caught in the clipper's blades. Damn, that's not sexy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He was cute, smart, and had a nice job. But the waiter was foreign.  
  i just read that a woman tinks it's no big deal for a man to have "a q-tip in their pee-pee". it's all relitive.  if a man's hole was the size of a vagina it would be like a doctor attacking you with a three liter pepsi bottle  
  ignorant coworker's six am visit woke me with a berating commentary about sleeping alone he took a presumptous swig of my night table sleeping water glass and glugged down a mouthful of jizz my newly ex-blowjob girlfriend had spit into it the night before  irony and justice are oft of the same mind       
  I smogged out with coolio behind a bar in Crested Butte, CO. I don't know which is worse. Smoking behind a bar in Colorado, or hanging out with Coolio.  
  "why i do believe you have the cutest little mug shot i ever did see!" said the small town cop as he brushed a thin veined had over my ass.   i wonder where i can lay claim to that picture.   
  If you've seen "Trainspotting," you'll remember the character called Begbie.  The character was not made-up -- Begbies are fairly common in Scotland. They're politely called "heid-cases" (head cases).  When I was in secondary (high) school, my best friend was a Begbie, 'cept he was called Eddie Tynski (Hi Eddie! Still alive? If so, are you spending the rest of your days rotting in Barlinnie Prison, and are you owned body and soul by some Ur-Begbie who took one look at you and said: "Can you say: "Baaaa-Baaah?"  I dearly hope so... :-)  Eddie did things like steal my 13 year-old girlfriend and immediately fuck her; beat me up for telling some truth about him that he didn't like; teach me how to break into cars; push me off the back of his Mod Lambretta at 50mph; break into  my  house with his buddies and rip us off; manage to get expelled from school and the Air Force Cadets on the same week...  I also had lots of fun with him, like the time we dressed up in white lab coats, walked into police headquarters and spent an afternoon walking around measuring the place and writing all the dimensions down on an official-looking form (nobody questioned us, not even when we measured the police captain's office with him in it).  Twenty five years later, when I was visiting my sister back in my old town, her husband literally turned white and had to sit down when I mentioned Eddie's name...  
  I just found out that my new roommate likes to eat his boogers. I'm gonna fuckin vomit on him, and now I have to case my apartment looking for everything of mine he might have touched so I can disinfect it. People who eat their boogers should live alone. It may seem innocent, but that's just the start - It starts with boogers, next thing you know you have a certified interest in how your asshole smells.. next thing you know it's a goddamn shit-fest. You shittin on people, people shittin on you. I should kick his ass out before my apartment becomes infested with him and his stinkfinger friends.  
  After hearing so many horror stories about moronic bosses, idiotic customers, and remembering my own scattered work situations, I think my first step toward again becoming employed should be an anger management class.  Otherwise I'm just gonna go to work the second week with a rifle.   
   For Valentines Day, 2003, I took my sick old dog to the crest of a hill behind the house, ended her suffering, and spent the rest of the night in a dimly lit bar trying to wash her image away with the strongest liqour they had. Love in the air indeed.  
  For all you casual visitors here, you might think this site is a little weird. But if you stay awhile, you might really learn something. Like I recently found out the answer that humankind has been asking for thousands of years. The question is: "What is the meaning of the Universe?" The answer is: " Fuck you, clown ".  
  The most disturbing moment of my childhood:  One day I went got up and decided to take a nap in my parents bed.  I soon noticed a wet sticky spot on my side.  At the time, I thought it was some kind of rice pudding.  I couldn't  understand why my parents would eat rice pudding in bed.  I now know what that "rice pudding" really was and am sickened to my stomach.  Moral of the story: When you become a parent and want to have sex, do everything possible to prevent your children from finding out.  When ever my parents door is locked, I don't ask any questions, I just walk away.  
  She opened her eyes and the world seemed to have transformed into a sleek, dark and mysterious stillness. The watches stopped ticking, the cell phones stopped ringing, the cars stopped releasing ozone damaging chemicals into the air..and all that remained was she and her wandering soul.  Her mind lay silent for moments before she recognized the beauty around her, the purity; the peace.  Then the chaos, the calamity and question of everything.  All the possibilities.  Then, at the moments notice, she raised her lips in curiosity and exhaustion , and everything seemed to start again.   Friday?  After school then?  Detention for sleeping in class..once again Mrs. Rainey.  Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)              There was no food in the house, but some commodity butter my grandmother had given me. Everything else smelled questionable. Of course,we had already drank up our paychecks.  My roomate and I prepared to go to the store by putting on thermal shirts, baggy flannel shirts and our parkas.  The thermal shirt was essential to protect the skin from frozen food.  We made off with four packages of frozen lobster tails and some calve's liver, which we never got around to cooking.       We cleaned the seeds, scraped the chamber pipe, and dined on stolen lobster, dipped in welfare butter.      I do not think I have gotten any sleazier, but later that evening my roomate went out and came home with a 14 year old drag queen.        
  I returned from school to find my mother in front of the computer, crying. It struck me as odd, because my mother used the computer less often than she used facial tear wiping tissue.  She told me she had put the dog to sleep. That didn't explain why she was in front of the computer.  She started going on about how it made her feel, and how the dog was her first baby because she hadn't had me yet, the pet store she bought it in, and other uninteresting facts that I will never be asked to recall, even on the most obtuse episode of Jeopardy.  I wondered how long it would be before I could check my EMail.  
  5th grade "junior police" nazi. You know hold a flag at the crosswalk and patrol the halls for "violations".   Unfortunate 2nd grade class whose teacher has been called away. the laughing was too much.  We "jackboot" the door in and enforce "disipline". You nose on the blackboard, did I hear someone speak out of turn? don't make us get angry.  Turns out we "overstepped" our boundries and had to give up our belts.  I never looked at authority the same.   
  Yeah, I say "Ya'll."  And no, I don't think it sounds unsophisticated.  As a matter of fact, I think it adds a level of distinction to the number of the noun you.  Did ya'll know that everyone gets confused when say "you" and actually mean a bunch of you's?  Damn morons.  
  I was sitting here thinking that hey - I'm a pretty good guy. I go to church, I don't drink or do drugs, I don't beat my wife or molest my little girl - I'm a pretty good guy.  Then I remembered that most of my day is comprised of downloading stolen software, listening to pissed off people scream into a mic, and making my boss believe that I can't be replaced.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every time I insert a tampon at the bathroom at work, the automatic flusher goes off as soon as its in. At first it freaked me out, but now I'm used to it. However, tonight I was hit with that same horror as the first time it had auto flushed, when it went one further and overflowed as I inserted.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on the swim team when I was younger. I never was that fit, and my coach would make me swim until the point of exhaustion. I asked her if I could take a break, and she said I couldn't. I kept swimming.   Then, when I felt dizzy, I got out of the pool, walked up to her, and threw up all over her pants and shoes.  I didn't have to go to practice for a weak. It's a shame I didn't have hepatitis.  
  I'm that guy.   You know, the one in the back of the class that never really says anything.   Well I'm pretty bored back here, and pretty stoned too.   You should say hello sometime, I'm a nice person to talk to.      And I'll probably get you stoned, too.  
  I always see those "homeless" people with the signs at the interstate exits.  The signs are always the same, "no home, no money, God bless" or some crap like that.   I am going to sit out there one day with a sign that says "You suck", or "Help the rich get richer". Or maybe, "Give me money or I'll shit on your windshield".    
        Meow meow meow meow can't meow mewo get meow this meow meow MeowMix song out of meow head!  
  so me and fatboy and the pollack are out slamming beers at a picnic table with a great valley view one night pollack starts a rant about cancer and some shit and  mid sentence he pauses turns his head and hurls out a very loud voluminous chunder pauses turns his head back and continues to rave on like nothing happened we named this style of chunking the twist and shout   
  evel knievel once broke the arms of a reporter... both arms... "because he wrote that i didn't love my momma." when asked about rumors he had to have someone hold the guy down while breaking his arms... "of course i did... both my arms were broken at the time." but he fucked that writer up good. he also said that pain's temporary, bones heal, and chicks dig scars.  evel knievel's my fucking hero.  
  Eating Oreos until you throw up is pretty sweet because when you do finally puke, it's black.  Throwing up black makes me feel like I'm in a death metal video.  
  Grocery clerk entry #16: Mom, 4 yr old son & 3 yr old daiughter shopping.  Boy picks up toy. "Mom, can I..." "No! You two are banned to your rooms today for biting each other in church!" It was the only time I smiled today.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night as I lay down to sleep I repeated the mantra "sex with jennifer love hewitt...sex with jennifer love hewitt" over and over hoping to inspire a sex dream with her in it.   Instead I dreamt of being in the army and having all my teeth fall out into my hand.   What the fuck kind of cruel joke is that?  
  Why is it that I am 22 yrs old now and  have yet to been to an 'upscale' boobie bar? I mean, there's quite a few where I live. But, I  like  going to the ones where the strippers are 4 months pregnant, wearing dirty white sneakers and have a cast on their left arm. No, that is not an exaggeration. Maybe it just makes me feel better about being me.  
  I love the posts where someone is whining about the downfall of civilization because a Starbucks set up shop on the corner.  Whether it's in a nice clean corporate-run environment, or a grungy, health-code-dodging, hippy-filled, wanna-be-poet infested local "coffeehouse", it's still $3.75 a cup.  Move on, Java Joe.  
  At lunch with my boss for an annual review.  It's pretty laid back, but I'm still a little nervous.    He finally starts getting serious and asks me what my professional goals are for the next year.  With my mind racing, I open my mouth, pause for a moment, and, completely by accident, let loose the most god-awful, chunky, reverberating belch I've ever heard.  That's only one of the many reasons my boss loves me.  
  Saturday night.  I'm 17, in a bar. Don't ask me how I got in, luck I guess. My band is performing in half an hour. I'm in the bathroom with the shits.  How many people take a shit at a bar? Probably like 1 in 200. Holy shit, was that a rank-ass bathroom stall. My house's bathroom, in all its cleanliness, was only five minutes away, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get back in past the bouncers if I left.  So there I was.  A guy taking a piss says whispers "damn, I'd hate to be that guy..." followed by "Hey buddy, you ok in there?"  I'm stuck in a rank-ass bar bathroom taking a shit.  "yeah"    
  so i'm sitting in my zoology class when my professor says, "i have a video here that was sent to me. if any of you think it sounds interesting you can have it, i won't be using. it's called 'dealing with problem beaver.'" my response, "that's my unauthorized biography!" was met with only quizzical looks. then i thought, "do you people ever get out?"  
  Real graffiti I photographed in the French Quarter of New Orleans:  ABOVE: Die Yuppie Scume!  BELOW: Die illiterite fucks!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bored and sitting my dorm room turns to going around in a circle with each guy slapping himself in the nuts with the palm of his hand.  Peer pressure exists.  
  The recent war activities in Iraq have been good for me, in that I hate protesters and activists with a bloody passion. They've been coming out from under their rocks a lot more lately and when I'm lucky I see them exiting their cars on their way to some whine-fest. Did you know you can get bumper stickers printed that are near-impossible to get off, saying anything you want?  $21.99 well spent, I can assure you.  
  Sometimes we'd go to this lowbrow frat house that looked kind of like the Brady Bunch house except all beat to shit and had like half the members of the next smallest frat. All of the other frats made fun of. It was much cooler than the other frats -which still didn't make it that cool. People wouldjust hanging out there who weren't in a fraternity -or even enrolled in school. it was kind of like Animal House except if nobody was very funny and they smoked a shitload of weed and played playstation instead of ever doing anything cool... ...anyway, we went there sometimes because they had a 2 story bong.  
  This hot girl came into to baskin robbins where I worked and flirted with me-- she wanted some free soda to mix with her vodka - I gave it to her and somehow got her to my house and then to a hottub in a nearby apt complex.  We made out, got some fingering going and stuff -- I wanted to screw her... but I wasn't getting everything working... she said "you have done this before?" I said, sure... (actually the nite before was my first)...It never happened...  Next day she would barely talk to me at the ice cream store... turns out her dad is in the middle of a sex change and he looked and sounded pretty weird.  The guys at the store would tease me -- you screwed the he-she!!  That's not really fair, is it?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          You know how on that old Dukes of Hazard show, they'd always win a race by driving the General Lee off something stupidly ridiculous, getting completely airborn and landing in front of their opponent, who then panics and veers off the road?   I did that once, in a Toyota Camry.  
   the assumptions that people make are amazing and are in fact an excellent example of how incredibly different all of us cookie cutter capitalist americans are what gets me is the people who decide to live by these unfounded confoundings as slim pickins once said quote what in the wide world of sports is going on around here endquote       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes moments that i know have been posted here for a long time, but that i never think twice about suddenly strike me as profound due to current events in the world. Like the one about the homeless woman in the WTC (long before 9/11) with the line "you're all dead" or something like that. Or the one i just got again today about how many windows there are and how many psychos with guns and how many times do you think there have been crosshairs on you?   In light of the whole sniper thing in the DC area, that's pretty fucking creepy, dontchathink?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Letter To My Sister  (Since I splash my entire life on here, why not splash a rant at my sister?)  I wonder if you have any idea what it's like to have little or no news or contact for ages, and then to get two e-mails within a couple of months outlining the disastrous state your life seems to be in! Not good - we are half a world away and sick with worry.  [Sister's name, deleted]: I've been thinking about this on and off all day (I've had other stuff to deal with, like finally registering for unemployment benefits, since my company finally laid me off today, after fifteen months of disability). And now I'm pissed. You weren't half a world away last weekend. You were in Boston and Chicago. You probably flew over me on the way. I've been over here for 27 years and you haven't visited once (yes, you've been invited). You didn't even call (only 5c/minute, over here!). So please don't give me that "sick with worry" crap. It doesn't wash. I'm sorry your plastic is so strained after your month in Australia. I hope you enjoyed your stay. Don't worry: when I get my long-term disability, I'll refund your $500, as I've always intended to do. That should help you out. Yes, you are right that loans can change a relationship, but so can letters like the one you wrote. I'm done.  
  every time you look up at me hopefully and ask, "are you getting close?" the answer becomes further and further from yes.  i like a man who knows when to hold his tongue, and *where* to hold his tongue.  
  So a guy I used to have sex with calls me 10 times in 2 hours and I didn't answer the phone...not even ONCE. So then the moron decides to just show up  unannouced. The fastest way to piss off a whore is to show up unannounced.  Do the fuckers I have meaningless sex with really expect me to be happy when they do that??  That's a good way to ensure my lips will never be touching your cock again.  And really...there's only two reasons I don't answer the phone for booty calls:  1.  Someone else is in the middle of fucking me right now  2.  Your dick is small and not worth picking up the phone for, let alone taking my pants off for  I've really gotta stop fucking pathetic losers with no self esteem.    
  Returning home from my second year of college and being confronted upon arrival by my mother for not wiping my feet or vacuuming my old room.  When I asked what she meant, she said she cleaned the carpets throughout the house.  Most of the house yielded grayish dirty water in the cleaner; in my bedroom, and particularly one part of it, the water came up as a tarry, black substance.  She said it took her hours to get the carpet in my room as clean as the rest of the house.  Then it occurred to me:  she was cleaning up about four years worth of nightly to twice or more nightly semen stains from my habitual evening masturbation in high school.  I always "hid the evidence" by flinging the goo down on the carpet on the far side of the bed.  Masturbating and flinging it on the floor:  trashy.  Mom cleaning the carpet and complaining about the unknown stains:  lowbrow.  Maybe I should have suggested she use a bit of soda water first next time . . .  D--  
   LowBrow In Space  Armstrong's dorky: "One small step for man..." speech wasn't the most quotable thing said by the Apollo 11 astronauts. I can't imagine why the papers didn't also quote Michael Collins, dreaming about the "ingenious" possibilities of weightlessness:  "No need to carry bras into space, that's for sure. Imagine a spacecraft of the future, with a crew of a thousand ladies, with two thousand breasts bobbing beautifully and quivering delightfully, and I am the commander of the craft, and it is Saturday morning and time for inspection, naturally."   
  As yucky as the term "Dryhump" is, I can't help but to think of High school and smile when I hear it.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Land Of The Free: I St. Patrick's Eve, 2002, I'm settling in for an early night when I get an emergency call from John at the  brewpub.&nbsp; They need some Celtic music for their party.  John says: &quot;Irish, Scottish -- they won't know the difference.&quot;   Just to have fun with the Yankee colonials, I quickly burn a CD with only German  1   and French  2   Medi val Celtic bands on it. It's a big hit, so I have a quick pint on the house and  head back home about 9pm.  When I make the last turn, the dark car behind me sudenly lights up like a Christmas tree.  It's only a brake light out, but since he has me stopped anyway, he has me stand on one leg while reciting the alphabet backwards while touching the tip of my nose while blowing up a little balloon.  I comply, untroubled, but when I handily pass all of his tests, he immediately calls in backup.    
  The other day I was out on a boat.  I urinated on a duck.  The duck enjoyed it more than I did, so I probably won't do it again.  I'm just glad that I am a male and that I had the opportunity to try it without falling in.  
  the thng that burns my ass is that i am supposed to be tolerant of other peoples religions and be understanding about the plight of the persecuted jesus guys or the anti jesus guys or whoever and not one of the fuckers respect or tolerate the fact that i am agnostic do what i say not what i do hows about bite me       
  Well it finally happened. I knew that if I looked at porn enough, I would have an Angel is the Centerfold moment.  Her name was Lisa. Of course in the photoshoot her name was Jessica or something like it.  After looking for a moment, in the middle of something far more important that remeniscing about High School, I realized who this was. I immediately felt a little dirty and closed it all up.  Later I went back, remenicsed and saved the pictures to my hard drive.  I love porn.   
  I was 15, helping mom get ready for dinner, peeling potatoes in the kitchen.  Finding a long, thin potato, I held it up and said:  "Look Mom! A dick-tater!"  I still laugh about it.  
  The strangest guy I ever met was the loser who cornered me outside the movie theater and rebuked me for laughing at most of "American Psycho."   I can't help it, the guy in the movie was such an amateur. Not as an actor, but as a psycho. Trust me, the real ones don't let that guilt bullshit get in the way.   
  Not 60 seconds ago, a guy at work starts raving about a Japanimation DVD he'd just ordered in the mail.  I ask jokingly "Is that the one with the tentacle porn in it?"  Blank stares all around.  Apparently I'm the only one who has ever heard of "tentacle porn", much less seen it.  I hastily shrug it aside....   
  i lent my pip to my mom and now it tastes like lipstick.       
  A lowbrow anatamy lesson  I was about 11...which would make my sister 7. At an aunt & uncle's house...the two of us took a walk to a nearby playground.  She said she had to pee bad, so we left the park....halfway home..."I can't wait, it's an emergency"  We went behind a house, and I told her to go ahead and pee.....standing upright with her pants and underwear around her ankles.  Needless to say, she pissed all over her pants and underwear.      
  A friend of mine's sister tunes her guitar a step down and puts a capo on it because she's afraid to break the strings tuning it to the normal pitches. I told him to tell her that the worst that can happen is you lose an eye, and hey, what are the chances of that happening twice?  
  At work I have to be intellectual and seem sophisticated. On the drive home, I pick my nose at red lights and shout "woo hoo!" when I fart.  
  One of my best friends in high school was obsessed with Harry Kim, the Asian guy from Star Trek Voyager.  He was her imaginary boyfriend. She wrote notes about him, and told us they were "practicing. And Harry wasn't practicing his clarinet. "Practice Harry, practice." Then she started dating an Asian guy that looked just like him. Six years later, they're still together, and we still call him Harry. He refuses to speak to any of us. ~puck~  
  I am a cockaholic.         
  FYI:  It is probably not a good idea to buy a vibrator at a garage sale.  
  I went to dinner with my friend, Josh, at this new Mexican joint in town. I was wearing kind of a low-cut shirt. Josh and the waiter were speaking to eachother in Spanish and seeing as how I slept through most of Spanish class in high school, I had no idea what they were saying. Later, Josh told me that the waiter said, "I like America, it's very hiiillllyyyy!" (While making a boob-shaped gesture with his hands.) Josh said, "Yes, I agree." And they both looked at me and smiled and I, not knowing what the hell they were talking about, smiled back politely. Damn I shoulda payed more attention in Spanish class!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The secret to looking impressive is to have your desktop covered - not randomly, chaotically covered, but covered in an orderly fashion - with papers, notes, charts, diagrams, and documents of every project that you are involved in, have been involved in, or are peripherally involved in, and occasionally move one or two of them a few inches. Seriously - it works. Why, here I sit, my desk covered in six 1/2-inch high stacks of paper, two of them fanned out so that I can easily see the contents. Five people have come to my cubicle to talk to me. Three have left without speaking to me directly. They just look at my paper-strewn desk and my industrious keyboard action, and make that "I'll catch you later, when you aren't so swamped" face.  
  I got an arrest warrant in the mail for speeding on a motorcycle and having no license... so I went down to the courthouse and told them I never rode a motorcycle and the guy must have gave my name. they showed me a photo of the suspect. "Do you recognize this person?"  I said "Sorry."  It was my asshole brother. Dumb cops couldn't even see the family resemblance?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In response to Limbo's word game.  Illiterati - Someone who thinks they are popular/important but too stupid to realize no one cares.  
   A True Story: I hear, "Lisa, come on now, you don't need to wear three pairs of pants and four shirts. Take all that extra stuff off and let's get on with the day" as he walked out of the bathroom. He walks out and tells me she's done it again and he'll get her out in a minute, she's ready to deal. He opens the door and suddenly Lisa, in her best Fosberry Flop leaps, almost naked over the stall wall and into the next stall. He opens the second stall and there is Lisa perched on the toilet, in her panties. "Oh no, you don't have to" says Lias over and over again. He says, calmly "Come on Lees, you're almost done..." He turns leaving the bathroom and says "She's finally listening to someone! She came in, put her lunch away, hung up her coat, everything, just cos I asked!" Whilst he was patting himself on the back a white object flew from the stall. it was a bloody pad that landed, adhesive side stuck to his shoulder, bloodyside up. "Fr, frr, you gotta..." I stammer. He turns his head, looks at his shoulder and shrieks like a little girl.  truth, 1988, Lon Gisland NY       
  Sitting on the Santa Monica Pier , early one morening, sipping at a double latte in a paper cup, I looked out to the ocean hoping to gain insight to the day. Then a homeless guy wheeling a bubble making machine behind him and past me in the fresh breeze showed me more         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sitting in desktop publishing class, working on a project that involves my name and ten adjectives to describe me.  i wonder how many entries the thesaurus has for "kinky."  
  Last night I was masturbating like crazy while watching some very high end downloaded pornography. I reached the point of no return and I did not return. With a hand full of-like a months worth of-"savings", I began the process of consealing the evidence. Off went the porn. On went the pants (one handed). Shut down the puter, and all is good. Meanwhile the drippy cold mess that is my hand is trying to maintain a water tight seal while I fumble around with my pants and so fourth. Wash the hand, went to bed.  Next morning.  Wake up and notice that the bus schedule sittitng beside said computer has been contaminated with....something....what is that? Oh right! Gross! The water tight seal was compromised!  So of course it is left there because I am far too lazy to clean anything up and hey.... I put the "PRO" in procrastination.  Later in the day I notice that the schedule has moved to the table, the kitchen table..... Curious....  As it turns out my mother and sister have been reading this schedule all morning as they try and plot out their day.    My giant spooge spot has been keeping my mother from knowing if the bus arrives at 6:30 or 6:00. She doesn't know what the stain is, and I still don't feel like moving and replacing the schedule.   Somethings wrong here. But I don't feel like correcting anything.    oh well F5, you my only friend.  
  Advice to a New Arrival in New York  -----------------------------------  Go do more coke and talk about yourself some more stroke that ego   Let me watch you now the way you are self-confident and naive  this city will eat you and shit you out into someone like me  Respect her she's a bittter mistress with your cock between her teeth.  
  Due to poor dietary habits (taco bell), little sleep, and very little exercise, i momentarily lost control of my bowels in a friend's car. Unbeknownst to him and everyone else in the car, who all thought the smell to be from an exceptionally bad fart, we proceeded uneventfully to the movie theater. Upon arrival, i casually walked to the bathroom and entered an empty stall to "inspect the damage".  The accident was not nearly as worse as i thought it to be, for i imagined shit trailing down my leg into my socks and prepared myself for the worst. It was a mere squirt of feces brought on by a illprepared burrito at taco bell, and i quickly expelled the rest into the toilet and hatched a plan to rid myself of the evidence. i decided to wipe my ass with the slightly soiled boxer shorts and flush them down the toilet. i gave the toilet a good flush to get rid of the shit that i just left and then dropped my soiled boxers in. they went down without incident and i went the rest of the night "freeballin'" and i have yet to have a repeat offense.  
  Think of the biggest number you can imagine. now add 5. now imagine if you had that many twinkies. Wow, that's 5 more than the biggest number you could think of.        
  Curtis and I spent all afternoon trading baseball cards and generally having a great time. Unusual because he was the larger, more athletic older brother of one of my friends. As he was leaving, I gave him a massive shove at the top of the steps. I can still see him awkwardly running down the steps, deperately trying to keep his balance. I can see an entire shoebox full of baseball cards for one fleeting instant individually suspended in air. I can see him lying on the landing, teary-eyed, surrounded by baseball cards.   I don't know why I did it. I had already learned that day that Curtis was much kinder and gentler than the prick I thought he was. That's probably why he didn't beat the shit out of me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my first girlfriend and me were sitting in her mom's car while they were in walmart quickly and slyly, she undoes my belt and goes after it but being young and scared, i quickly redo my belt to which she responds 'hey, you undid my dirty work!'  
   Lowbrow? Walk up to any fucker with Jersey plates and say "Hey, how'd you know my name was Guido?"   If they don't laugh, they're imposters. Possibly alien spies.        
  Once during sex with my ex-husband, he pulled out to switch positions so I quickly stood up and started walking towards the bathroom.  "Where the Hell are you going?!" He called after me.  "Oh," I replied, in the most innocent voice I could muster. "Aren't you finished?"  "NO!" He said, rather frustrated.  Smirking, I smiled back at him. "Well, you are now!" and walked right out of the room.  
  "Hey, anybody got anything to make me smell like a dead seven year old?" Scott asked the stage crew.   Hmmmmm... i dont think so....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          she give me that look you know that look like im the fallen angel in her wim wenders movie grabbing onto the bottom of her rope while she spins in all beauty above me i decided that a double was the better bet just cant suck anymore life outta me today       
  WWJD for a Klondike bar?   - Saw that on a shirt and it really makes you ponder many other things... like WWJD for a bud?  
  My mom loves her cat. Adores it. Worships it. So when I saw her slaving away at the birdfeeder, I had to ask WTF? Turns out she wasn't making it nicer for the birds... she was sawing off three feet of the pole, to make it easier for the cat to have his fun.  I'm waiting to see what she does vis a vis the squirrels.   
  Williamsburg, VA.  Asked a guy serving food if he had a clean fork I could use.  Reply:  "Yo, this ain't Bel Air."  Silly me.  I had forgotten I was in Compton.  Fucking idiots.  
  "Bad cop, no doughnut." is not a good bumper sticker to put on your car.  
  My wife and I just got back from a vacation on which we road by a funeral house located in a pole barn building. I can't be sure but I think the sign said it was "Buddha's Funeral House."         
  I was having a friendly conversation with a pretty woman at the brewpub, when a guy walked in, slowly scanned around the bar, then came directly over to her and said:   "I will lick you into a coma."  Yeah, right, I thought -- get some class, you moron.  But she started talking to him.  I left before either of them, so I don't know what happened, but I must say I'm intrigued.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It took me 19 years, but I finally learned how to masturbate properly.  I use the showerhead, in the bath.  I almost drowned last night, but it was fucking worth it.  
  My first kiss was in eighth grade, behind the portable classrooms when we were supposed to be going to the library. He later turned out to be gay. But first, he told the whole school I drooled a lot.         
  It started as a minor, but persistent pain between my buttcheeks, about an inch and a half above my asshole.  The next day, it hurt to sit.  The day after that, it hurt to walk.  Finally, it hurt no matter what I did.  All the while, a barely noticeable red mark grew into a monstrous red mass poking out of my crack.  The hard part alone measured two inches in diameter, the yellow center, three-quarters of an inch.  Sick of waiting, I pulled a pushpin out of my bulletin board, dipped it in some hydrogen peroxide, and carefully pricked the center of the carbuncle.  It oozed a smelly yellow liquid continuously for ten minutes.  I squeezed out as much more as I could, wiped my ass, put on a maxi pad, and went about my business.  For three days, the bastard leaked, producing slime that ranged from yellow to orange to a frightening shit-green with the consistency of snot.  I never succeeded in masking the smell of infection.  Finally, a week after its birth, my carbuncle was all but gone.  Just yesterday, however, I was inspecting the site and found what appear to be two new boils emerging from the vicinity of my asscrack.  Stay tuned.  
  I was pigging out on cheap, crappy Chinese food in a local dive--the kind of restaurant with '50s decor, those stupid wall radios at each booth that never work, but they keep them there to suck your quarters, anyway; naughahide red booths and low-level lighting that makes any food look good--when I had to avail myself of their frighteningly-dirty shitter.  Oh, well.  Live dangerously, die young, as they say.  The only perquisite, though, was that the men's washroom had the best graffitti around--colourful and crude.  Imagine my chagrin when I entered the stall and looked forward to a good read to take my mind off of business of doing my business when I realized that the walls had been freshly painted.  There was one graffitto, however, which I eagerly read, thankful for that small gift of entertainment.  It said, "BLowjobs", followed by...my home telephone number.  I woulda shit myself if I wasn't, in fact, already doing so.        
  He said and I quote:      "Doing her from the behind...";     "Doing her doggie style...";     "On top of her...";  Yeahh the term "making love" is not in fashion...  ...so my advice to you is to use "it" instead of "her".      "Fuckin it..."  ...because you treat "her" like shit.   
  I'm not one for useless statistics, but if you lined up all the cock that has been in my ass mouth, you could probably make it to the top of the empire state building.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My father passed away a long time ago, I lost his watch not long after he died, how silly I was, thinking that I was careless and disrespectful for losing this cherished memory, when all I had really done was preserve it.  
  ...So I was at getting my hair cut, with my hand resting on the arm rest of the chair under the cape. When I suddenly realise that the girl doing the cutting is pressing her clit/pubic bone against the back of my hand! I have no idea how long this has been going on 'cos my mind was on other things, but its there now and shes rubbing herself against my hand. What do you I now? I cant move incase she doesent realise its my hand shes rubbing against, and so much time has passed she will wonder why i didnt move earlyer, but if she doese know thats my hand, she knows that I know - talk about catch 22.  So I just sat there (with an erection) and did nothing  
  There's an old Russian proverb that goes "The church is near, but the roads are icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully."  Those Russians are smarter than they look, eh?  
  Today I got an e-mail from a very disgruntled lowbrower who told me I outraged him and I should stop talking about sex, because that's not what lowbrow is all about.  In the last 10 minutes or so, I've read 11 moments about sex and 5 moments about taking a shit.  Hmmmmmm...I think I'll stick with sex.  
  I look at my bills for childcare, car insurance, medical insurance, not to mention rent.  It really seems like the post 9/11 hysterical patriotism just doesn't wash..."Land of the Free" for example.  
  I went into the gym the other night, and there was a group of guys standing around chatting, acting big, pointing at people, etc... I proceeded to start doing squats.  I noticed they were watching, so before I started my next set, I took off my pants thinking, "That will give them something to point at." My friend laughed.  Hard.  I wondered if my nuts were showing.  
  I love when you are leaning in real close to the mirror and squeezing a monster zit and when it pops it squirts through the air and onto the mirror.    
  So who's at fault?  My dad's friend for making a move? Me for letting him? Or my dad for setting us up?  
  So I was working at the candy store thinking of ways to pass another 5 hours and munching on a peanut bar.  This incredibly hot redhead wanders in with a couple friends and start browsing.  I'm trying not to stare at her while composing things to say in my head when she comes to the register.  All of a sudden, she beelines for the counter and asks if we have ice cream.  At this moment, my mind blanks and I forget not only whether or not we have ice cream (we do), but where it is as well.  Thus I stand there looking confused while my mind races for the answer and my arms wave around trying to point to where the ice-cream is, when I suddenly remember and fling my arms out towards it, and shout "There" in tones of triumph, only to forget that my mouth is full of candy bar, resulting in me spewing bits of half-chewed peanut all over the counter.  She left.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had just picked up my buddy and we were on our merry way to work, when a squirrel began flagrantly jaywalking in the road ahead. Being evil, my buddy said "Target aquired." Being evil myself, I hit the gas and veered a bit left of center to line up my hood ornament with the fuzzy beast. One could almost sense the creature's state of mind as it progressed, from mild amusement and a giddy thrill at once again tempting fate before a massive rolling bulk of steel, to some confusion as the engine grew louder, to panic as the vehicle actually turned to bear down on him directly. In a brilliant evasive maneuver, he ran at top speed in a one-foot circle. There was no audible or otherwise detectable thump as we passed over his general position, and my friend spun in his seat as I eagerly scanned my rearview mirror. Yep. There he was, a twitching squished squirrel street pizza, served hot and steaming fresh in the snow. I coldly blurt out, "He won't be making that Geico audition anytime soon." Later, at work, I felt guilty about it. Then I got high. Screw PETA. Screw the squirrel bastards.  
  i really hate it when a stray hair gets caught under my bra in between my breasts.   i hate it even more when guys stare at me when i'm trying to fish it out.  
  My ex-wife has a twin sister whom she doesn't know about. I'm going to try my best to find her and see if she responds sexually in the same way as my ex.  
  When I was 17 (I am now 27) I had an on agian off again relationship with a 22 year old.  During one of our off times he slept with another woman, and then lied about it when I found out.  So to pay him back (because I was insanly jealous and needed revenge) I slept with his Brother, his Best Friend and his Worst Enemy.  I figured I would cover all my bases.  Is that horrible or what!!        
  Today I looked down at my pants and saw a white stain on them. The obvious crossed my mind, and rightfully so. The odd part was that it really was yogurt.  
  "You're a whore," she said to me.  I looked her up and down and said back, "Damn right i am."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Sitting in Spanish class, we were telling the Professor where we were from.  It made me wish I knew how to say "My Dad's penis" in Spanish.  
  I always heard that people in France smell bad.  I know someone who was going there, so I asked to let me know if it's true.  They came back and said, not only do they stink, but they're rude, too.  
  My lowbrow moment?  I was surfing the web and I came to a site where sappy losers posted their miserable tales about breaking up, a site where would-be poets aren't, and where sex-deprived neurotics make up stories about the great sex they've never had.  And then I posted my own moment.  Go figure.    
  I've just realised I like an Elton John song after I found it's a cover  Man I'm glad I'm drunk or I'd do myself some self harm  
  So, Friday night. New Orleans. The Big Easy. A knock on my door. I look through the peephole, open the door, and what do I find but a friend with a shinai (sp? it's a wooden/bamboo sword thingie) and proudly wearing his new helmet, an empty Sunkist cardboard 12 pack. This was the highlight of my evening.  Some use college for drug use. I mean, I am in New Orleans. But me? I use it for retardation.  
  I told her to buy me tampons but she was too busy working..."use a raaaag" she said...yes...I enjoy the idea of wallowing in my own filth all day...nice and drippy and rubbing against my bloody wet crotch smelling oooh so nice.  I can't wait for homecoming this weekend. It'll be great.        
  Lying on sand caked carpet in the middle of your mother's living room in an apartment on the beach-  Your penis inbetween my legs, dangerously close to my vagina, kissing kiss' that taste exactly how they did three years ago. And what do you do?  Decide to tell me, right then, right now- "I'm gay Amber" Actually, I am sort of relieved..even though I am madly in love with you, have been since I first met you three years ago.  "Thank GAWD" I say, you didn't think that I could have sex with my best friend did you? And then what do I do?- In a drunken moment two weeks later- I have sex with your older brother, calling him by your name-  * * * on my friends little sisters' bed.  
  I'm a cocky driver, but not a bad or unsafe driver, however as with most cocky people I don't leave much room for error. I usually leave a car length or so between myself and the people in front of me but on a couple of occasions I've had some near hits. As a result I have excellent tailgating skills. One evening a little acura speeds up and cuts me off, nearly introducing my truck to his bumper. I began tailgating this man and his girl very closely, maybe two feet tops. He notices very quickly and tries to shake me by speeding up, slowing down, changing lanes. I don't care, I just keep it up. Finally he turns off the main road to some side roads - Very well, I've got time - I start following him there. He eventually pulls over and has this look of, "Oh, I'm going to kill you." on his face as he gets out. I slow down and lower my window and look at him, "If you ever cut me off again I'm going to steal your shoes." I then proceed to drive off leaving a very confused and angry kid to reconsider his driving habits.   
  You really start to wonder about how different your family is compared to others when you casually take the advice your mother gives you on not having sex on kitchen tables, and then you remember how your sister caught your mother having sex on the couch in the living room...at the same time you have your girlfriend riding you on it.  When your girlfriend is freaked out by the casual mention of your sister teasing your mother about it...Do you tell her? Or do you let her ride you so hard you nearly break the couch?  Its not as hard to answer as you would think.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as i was joyfully lowbrowing for the first hour of work, minding my own business, the owner of my company suddenly walks into the room, and starts talking about he wants to split it up and take ppl out of it and stuff. usually i would not have been phased by it. but the fact i had like 5 IM windows open and the must putrid lowbrow moment right in the middle of screen which i just finished reading and was ABOUT to laugh uncontrollably at, really made me feel as if my job was in jeopardy. thankfuly it seemed as if he didn't even pay attention to what i was doing.   it was truly frightening though.  
  If I actually said what I was thinking, I would either be a guru, or someone would have beaten me to death by now.        
  So we had broken up, well actually I dumped her like a wet pack of cigs, but hey I am a nice guy.  So nice in fact when wanted to screw the after 2 weeks of no action on her part, that I said yes.   "It's true what they say", she said. "What do they say?", I ask, cringing "Sex is better after you break up" I am all like "way to go, superdick!"  Now you can be appreciated for what you are.  I guess I shouldn't have told her that I had a threesome that week.  MAybe she is getting ideas.    Oh Well...  
  my sister, a friend of ours and i took a 2 hour drive to the coastline to get some things i left in a house i was living in.  got my cheap 13inch tv and vcr combo and some clothes. and my unicycle  and to buy more pot.  we smoke out on the way down there. cops everywhere. pulling over other drivers and tending to the 3 accidents we see on the drive.   get my shit.. we go to the mall down there. smoke 2 bowls in the parking lot before we go in. walk around the mall for an hour stoned off our asses and were about to leave when a mall security guard stops me because it's not allowed to wear a bandana (he calls 'rag') in the mall. gang bullshit. i'm a whitey.  we go back to my car and find that it was broken into and my shit was stolen.   first thing i look for is to see if the ounce of pot i just bought was still there -- and was.  call the cops to fill out a report on what was stolen and the cop that came out sat in the seat with the pot right under it.   drive home and i'm not worry about the crap that was stolen. a six year old tv/vcr, a bunch of old clothes and a rusty unicycle are not worth anything compared to the high i'll have for the next 2 weeks.  
  One time a hanging out at a friend's house, someone had brought in a big bag of peanut butter cups...   We're sitting there eating them, and my friend's dad says 'this thing smells funny, does yours smell funny?'...   When I went to sniff it, he smacks the back of my hand.  Peanut butter and chocolate up my nose...   Chocolate and peanut butter is a pain in the ass to blow out of your nose...   
  Somewhere there is a man that actually understands women.   I cannot prove this, but it comforts me to think that he is out there somewhere.  Probably getting laid.  
  Grassroots Festival, 2000, take 4:  I took along my big Minolta, ostensibly to take pictures of bands.  Bump into a business buddy who has a booth selling "airchairs" (chair-like hammocks - really quite neat).  Since I do his airchair web site, I think it'd be neat to take some pictures with pretty women sitting in them.  My good friend Ira takes on the job of inviting the women over.  Ira is a great guy, but his social manner is not quite mainstream, and he has a bit of a club foot. I think to myself "good luck".  He spots an astonishing latino babe, literally surrounded with guys.  He limps over, and comes back in 30 seconds with her in tow.  She's totally into it, and she's good enough to be a pro model.  I shoot 3 rolls.   Women are constantly strolling past the booth. Ira and I check them out, and he goes off to snare them.  Two hours later, I run out of film. I buy some more. Then we run out of film and money. What the hell, the flash is still working -- we keep shooting.   Lots  of fun.  "Eh, could we have just a little more leg?"  "A little cleavage?"  Ira propositioned 23 women.  He brought 23 women back for photo sessions. At the end of each session, I took a shot of the woman hanging all over him.  I still don't understand.  
  FINALLY after weeks of careful posturing the dancing waitress that i have been crazy about is starting to go for me.  she invites me back to her place for breakfast after the bar closed.    OH yes!  yes,yes, yes!!!!  we go into her apartment after some hot kisses in the hall.    "make yourself at home" as she kicks off her shoes whips off her belt and pulls her turtle neck over her head.  beautiful hard nipps stare at me through her sheer tanktop!!      i rip off my shoes and start to take off my pants.  "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!  I SAID BREAKFAST!"  UHhh...sorry.  so, we're not gonna do it are we?     
  I never throw up as a result of drinking too much.  I'm 5'4.  I'm a slim to average weight girl.  I can have 8 shots of tequila in an hour and pass out without vomiting.  My 21st birthday is coming up next week, and all I've learned so far is that I am not drinking nearly enough.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I might have to start putting the date on my posts, because often after I do something, post it, and past drunkenly out, I don't really remember much and if I hit reload enough times, maybe I can find out just why my underwear is missing again.  
  I woke up this morning with blood all over my face.  I think some of my skin ruptured while I tossed around in my sleep.  I live in a dorm where there's only one bathroom for the whole floor (per sex), so I got to show off my new look on the way to the sink, without having it LOOK like I was showing off.  Pretty smooth, eh?  
  One of the most disturbing experiences I have had would be when I found out that my ex was cheating on me with another woman.  Sounds pretty run of the mill; not to shocking.  But don't you hate it when he waits to tell you until you're at the police station filling out paperwork because she accused him of rape?  Like I said, he's my ex.  
  Well, how about this? If I was driving and my recently ex girlfriend was giving you head in the back seat, I would just blow her brains out with my Smith and Wesson model 626 44 magnum. You would have a hell of a mess to clean up but I wouldn't hurt you. Hell, you're just some knuckle head trying to get a knobber. It's what we live for.  
  So, my mother and I are out to dinner, sharing idle conversations. The conversation drifts towars the problem I've been having with my jaw lately. I think I have TMJ, and it tends to lock and pop every now and then.  My mother gets this weird look on her face, then covers her mouth as she tries not to laugh.  I just smirk, and say "Yeah, it's a great excuse to use from time to time."  Now -that's- a lowbrow moment. Sex talk with your mom while eating chicken at Outback.  
  "The other day I'm driving around with my friend and we see this license plate cover that says, "If You See Kay, Why Oh You."   And we're like, "Kay? Whose Kay? How will I know if I see Kay? That just doesn't make any sense..." Then we start saying the phrase in it's entirety over and over again until it hit us."  I don't get it      
  i got really drunk the night before i took my SATs and still managed to pull an 1160 with a hangover. im soo proud.  
  So, I'm standing there with a big grin on my face when she looks up at me and says, "thig tathes kida fumhfy. dig oo pood mayungaiz od it?"  Damn.  
  I had to have been eight or nine years old when this happened.  My father is fucked up, but I didn't know how fucked up is the thing.  During the summer my brother, sister and I would go off to see him, usually on the weekends.  One particular weekend we were returning from the beach.  Now, normally it's an uneventful trip.  He doesn't say shit half the time and when he does, it's to enlighten us with his encyclopedic knowledge of anything and everything.  It's the only way he talk to people, sadly.    Well, we were driving back on the express way.  I'm sitting in the front seat.  And he starts fuckin' with me per usual. Pinching me, pushing me around, shit like that.  But then he starts pinching me hard.  I mean, I was a big wuss back then, but even if I was a hard ass eight year old I would have started crying anyway.    He loses it.  He's hollering at me.    "IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP PINCHING YOU, THEN FUCKIN' SAY SO! DON'T START CRYING LIKE A LITTLE FUCKIN' BABY!"  He presses on the accelerator and moves over into the second lane.  "YOU WANT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"  He proceeds accelerate gaining on this woman driving a pickup.  He pulls out his .22 pistol and starts waving and pointing it at the lady.  Screaming. Cursing.  Being a crazy fuck, basically.  Then just as quickly as he snapped, he backs off.  Mutters some shit to me that I can't remember now. He's zen fuckin' calm and proceeds to drive us back home. I was scared shitless for quite awhile after that.  I never thought he'd actually hurt me, cause he's never been a violent drunk.  But he's unpredictable, so just trying to guess what he'd do would bring up some unsavory thoughts.      This is just one of the many episodes growing up with a paranoid, alcoholic, bi-polar father.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Wife and I were riding a crowded train and there was nowhere to sit. There was a college-aged kid who looked pale and sweaty. Suddenly, he turns and blows dinner all over two girls that were seated by where he was standing, he throws up on the leg of a businessman who was standing behind him, and he threw up all over the door and the floor. He had apparently had noodles for dinner that he handn't chewed all that well, because they were all over the place. Naturally, the car vacated and at the next stop, no one boarded that car, so looking at the empty benches and then my wife, I said, "Does this bother you?" She shook her head no, so we sat down and had a comfortable trainride the rest of the way. (except for the smell and the sight of noodles stuck to everything...)  
  I'd gone out drinking the night before. My head felt like a fucking balloon. Every sound, every light, every motion irritated me... I ducked into the local library to get away from all that shit, and noticed that they were giving a MENSA IQ exam that day. "What the fuck..., might as well." I said.  I took the test. I passed. I feel very fucking weird about that.  
  Heavy Pot Use Lowers IQ Negative Effect Not Seen with Light Marijuana Use, By Jennifer Warner   April 2, 2002 -- Smoking five or more marijuana joints a week can make you feel stupid -- really. A new study shows heavy marijuana use can actually lower your IQ (intelligence quotient). This is a quote from an actual msn.com article, my first reaction: If you've forgotten what "IQ" means, you've been smoking WAY too much pot. By the way, nothing to fear. Among heavy users who currently smoked more than five joints a week, IQ scores dropped by an average of 4.1 points.  
  my boyfriend gets head on a regular basis.   this is not because i enjoy giving head, but more because he has jacked off to the point that without ripping all my skin off (which has happened), he cant get off when we have sex.   we have sex until i cant deal with anymore, and am completely dry, then i decide to get it over with because im bored out of my mind and he gets head. even after we've been fucking for forty five minutes, it takes a a long ass time to get him off.   if he doesnt stop jacking off soon, he'll have to deal with jacking off being his only source of orgasm, because im about to give up.  
  I was in the market for a new car, and so a couple friends came out car shopping with me, but around midnight or so. The cops pulled in to see who was in the dealership parking lot after hours, so I explained the situation, and they were really helpful, offering their opinions on what I should get for a new vehicle. One of them also had some very good advice at the end of the conversation...  "Make sure to know what you're getting into with a standard; its hard to shift with your beer in your hand."  As he raised what could have been a can of Natty Ice in salute to that comment.  And proceeded to peel out of the dealership parking lot...  
  I wrote 'None of your business' on the form that my guidance office forced us to fill out about our plans for after high school. After they brought in two guidance councelers and a vice principal to try and scare the information out of me, they got pissed and threatened to tell my father. He agreed with me.   This finally ended the long and irritating relationship I had with my guidance department  
  at a mall. a twenty appears on floor. my wife and i both see it. i stand on it. the kid who lost it never knew what hit him.        
  Remember this time when I was heading down I4 (the main drag through Central FL) heading home from watching a movie out in Tampa...   my ex-wife (before she was an ex) decides to go down on me right there in the car...   couple of minutes later, a car pulls up next to me honking its horn...   was one of my friends (Hey BC!) and his 8 year old son...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "You're one hated motherfucker around here, you know that, right?"  I had that said to me once.    It hurt.  Then I grew to understand what a creepy person it would take to say something like that to a person just to hurt them.    It's not that I feel sorry for him or anything like that, for sure.  But I most certainly feel like I have a great life compared to him.    
  Christmas day with my folks - bored out of my brain looking for an escape... I am sitting in the kitchen talking to my mother, and she mentions a news story on the radio concerning a local cop who had been struck down and killed by a car the day before. She is lamenting the terrible timing for his young family, just as the phone rings. Its my best friend from high school, and eager for any escape from my parents I greet her enthusiastically hoping she is going to suggest going for a drive or something. She is very subdued - most unlike her - and mentions the news story of the cop. That sets me off..."God hitting a cop - how unlucky or stupid could you be?? I mean jesus christ, only the inbreds in this town could manage that...". There is deathly silence on the other end, then a strangled sob as she whispers "That was me..."  
  On the bathroom wall at Palmer's:  "I try and I try and I try... I just can't make good gravy."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I told my boyfriend I loved him last night.  At least, I think I did.  I was half asleep, and so was he.  It could have been a dream, because he said,   "I love you too."  I was embarrassed about it this morning, so I told him I woke myself up talking in my sleep again, and that I hoped it didn't wake him too.  He just smiled and said he didn't remember waking up at all last night.  Phew.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In Jr. High sometimes we'd steal bottles of Robitussin and drink a bottle or more each to get a buzz. We ate the little capsule in the Vick's inhalers to get a nauseating pseudo-buzz. We smoked the crappiest shade leaves of the marijuana plant with pipes made from tinfoil and aluminum cans. Once, we stole over a hundred dollars worth of wine from various stores. This is more "impressive" when you realize it was Wild Irish Rose and MD 20/20...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I never dreamed I'd be the type to be sharing a line of coke off the back of a toilet seat in a dive bar but dammit... it's fun!  
  Someday Mike...Someday when you've forgotten all about me and all about highschool and all about everything that ever happened...I'll find you. I'll find you and I'll be there in my size four leather pants and in my skin tight tube top and my layered, auburn highlighted, professionally cut and died hair and my movie star make up with red red lips and dark dark eyes. And you'll want me like you've never wanted anyone before, and you'll promise me the world and you'll beg me to go home with you. And I'll smile and say, "Oh but Mike, this isn't the real you, it's just the guy you show off to the girls who are 'worth it'."  Then you'll know it was me and you'll gape and you'll stare and say, "I didn't recognize you at all!" and I'll smile and nod and say, "Fuck you Mike, you were a jackass then and you still are..."  And then I'll turn and walk away while he's standing there begging me to come back because despite it all he still wants me.  Amazing the day dreams I have after being slighted one day in chemistry class by a stupid jackass who doesn't matter at all.       
  I'm standing there looking down at a CD I'm thinking of reviewing for the radio station while sucking on a mint.  One of the other DJ's is standing behind me. I flip the mint in my mouth and open my mouth at the same time. A big glob of drool falls out onto my scarf and the CD I was looking at.  The guy didn't say anything but he moved away pretty quickly after that.  I looked at the spit on the cd liner notes and thought, "Well, I guess I'm reviewing this one."  
  If I were the one for you, I'd paint your entire body with eucalyptus jelly, then align your chakras.  I'd wash your feet with wet velvet and  read to you from the Book of Mormon.  I'd make a mattress of my body and  let you poke holes in me with barbecue knives.  I'd steal from a pharmacy  and give you all the good Percocet.  I'd fly you to the Bahamas and then leave you there because I'd be broke.  I'd recite to you verses of  >>Shakespeare and then tell you it's all bullshit.  I'd electrocute my genitals just to make you laugh.  I'd let you peel back my skin and play with my tendons like I was your puppet.  I'd talk you to sleep until you  told me to shut up.  I'd serenade you with Judas Priest's &quot;Breaking  the Law&quot; and then tell you stories about my humiliating childhood.  I'd piss on an electric fence for your friends' enjoyment.  I'd type this strange message and think about you laughing at me.   
  I was finger fucking my Japanese girlfriend under a coat in the back seat with her sister sitting next to her while her parents sat up front. Her Dad was driving and made some remark about the sunset, or some shit. She replied with a dreamy, getting ready to cum voice "Oh, yeah". I could smell pussy and I am sure everyone else could too, but couldn't quite put their finger on it.  I miss that kind of stuff now that I am a responsible adult.  
  I stayed on a sailboat in the harbor at La Paz Mexico for two months around 1970.  I was in town at night when the first rumblings of "Montezumas Revenge" started, and I made a quick beeline back to the wharf to get back to the boat before all hell broke loose.  Just as I arrived at the pier where the little dingy that I used to paddle out to the boat was tied, the urge became overpowering.  I dropped my pants and panties, grabbed onto a pier post, groaned loudly and blasted a huge brown cloud out my ass.  A large round of applause and whistles broke out behind me from the locals who were living under the pier on the sand, about 20 feet away.  Totally embarassed, I could only turn to the crowd and bow.   
  I once knew a guy in elementary school who spelled the Big F: phuk.  Phuk.  He had it written all over his shoes, and he told me that he spelled it that way to stay out of trouble with teachers who might "peruse his sneaks."  Phuk.  Sorta takes all the fun out of calling it the Big F.        
  Thought provoked by eating oriental flavored ramen: "What would american flavored ramen taste like?"  
  My girlfriend and I haven't had sex in about three months.  When we first met she was a virgin, but after about four months of being together she decided it was "time" and we had sex.  Everything was going well, but then suddenly she got all frigid on me, and our relationship was thrown into turmoil.  She told me after many weeks that her period was late and that she thought she was pregnant but was too afraid to take a pregnancy test or go see a doctor.  She got her period finally, but is now petrified of having sex.  I love her more than life itself, but I'm really tired of jerking off to porn and memories of fucking my ex.  
  one day my dad said to me, "hey neil, lets go fishing!"  since my name is jacob, i ignored the senile bastard        
  Every time I leave my Instant Messenger on for a day or two when I'm out of town my roommates change my away message to say something like, "My asshole smells like ripe cheese."  God, I hate them.  
  The pen i use to pick earwax with at work has been missing for a couple of weeks. Not that i use it to write anything with, of course.  Got it back today when my boss asked me to sign a paper. Getting my old earwax all over her hands seems like a fitting punishment for stealing my pen.   I'm thinking of going on an ear-picking-binge and then give it to her again.    
  So Eric hands me the tin full of cookies and says, "Careful, dood, only try one.  Give it an hour and take it slow."  So fuck Eric.  I eat 6.  13 hours later, I'm dry heaving, looking out the window for the aliens/cops that are "bound to be here any minute, goddammit!!" and repeating out loudly, "Okay, I'm ready for this to be over with...I'm ready for this to be over with...anytime now, anytime now."  You best check your shit and listen up when someone gives you advice about drug laced cookies.  
  When I was about 4 yrs. old, I was playing 'Ultraman' (my favorite all-time tv show and piece of Japanese pop culture).  I ran into my parents bedroom and jumped "flew" toward the bed...only I started my jump a little too soon and smacked the metal bedframe RIGHT where above my teeth (lucky that   I didn't lose any teeth)  It left a little flap of scar tissue that I carry to this day.  I have only leapt into anything with that kind of gusto twice since then.  The second time was when I was 8 and in a fit of frustrated rage charged my Karate teacher...you can guess the result...he was a VERY traditional sensei.  The only other time was when I proposed marriage.  Batting 1000.  I have learned my lesson. I don't 'leap' anymore.   
  My wife told me the other day that she knew i was capable of being a Nazi death camp worker, a serial killer, that guy running around DC with a rifle, etc. without any real problem to my conscious.   She said that she was happy i didn't do those things, but knew i was easily capable.  I geuss i don't feel so guilty anymore when those dark thoughts come screaming through my head, like "Prey!" when i see a shitty drunk girl wandering around.    
  waiting for the bus, i watched a woman shuffle up to the stop, drop her sweatpants, and gleefully, toothlessly, unabashedly cover the bench with piss   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I wander around to the backside of the house and there were tons of people eating and drinking and music was blasting. I started walking toward the screen door to see if anyone I knew was inside. There was a girl there, blocking the door as she screamed to someone a few feet away.  A fucking 5 minute conversation as she's  yelling over my head from the top step, holding the screen door half open. She's wasted. She slips and the door slams shut on the face of someone running to get out. The person exiting hits the door but misses the handle and pukes into the screen.  The spray, strained through the screen, splatters the trashed girl who was holding the door and who now is crumpled on the stairs. Got a couple drops on me but grabbed the door handle and walked inside, holding the door for the next person trying to get out, who, seeing the half digested food chunks stuck in the screen's mesh, pukes on the crumpled girl on the stairs. Time to go home.        
  The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.        
  Self Amusement Tip #24: For hours of endless entertainment, try to have a staring contest with a cat.    I did this once for a while, until my housemate came home and told me cats don't blink.  
  I just saw a Sea World commercial where a little girl and a polar bear are regarding each other with only a piece of glass between them.  The image is supposed to be endearing, but you know damn well that the polar bear is sizing up the glass because he knows the kid would make a tasty snack.  
  I just spent the past 10 minutes trying to wipe a smudge off my laptop's screen.  Turns out it was part of the wallpaper.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the moment: halloween 2000  dressed in a wood nymph costume (leaf covered tube top and hot pants) with no place to keep my smokes other than in the waistband of the hotpants. after drinking several glasses of franzia(low brow in itself) i head off to the bathroom to take a piss with anotherdrunk girl in tow. after finidhing up the buisness i look down into the bowl and see my  camels floating. in my drunken state i decided the fact to fish them out and then proceded to smoke the dry ones, the lowbrow thing is that it wasn't just me the other girl who was there the whole time had a few of her own.   
  Starbucks weazled their way into Wellington, New Zealand thinking they were going to teach a bunch of culture-deficient philistines how to drink "real" coffee.    What they didn't realise is that the whole city is running on coffee - we have more cafes per capita than New York, and compared to the local places we're used to, Starbucks coffee is really really bad.  And hideously overpriced.  Yay for failing american commercialism I say.  
  i think that there isn't anything you can't make better if you use a pirate accent. especially if your friend just lost an eye.  
  Never shoot a can of shaving cream with a BB gun. Ever.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I once walked in on my brother using a tiny toothbrush.  I asked him why he was using my bathroom and that tootbrush.  He said he always had used that one.     That was the toothbrush I cleaned my sink with.  
  I hate my office.  I have a cubicle, but it's not even a real cubicle.  The flimsy cube walls only go up about 4 and a half feet.  I look out across my office and see half-heads all over the place.  No faces, just hair styles.        
  Her boss was talking to her but she wasn't listening. Her concentration was, instead, focused on the door of the bathroom, which held one stall and was always ful, since it serviced about 50 employeesl. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, every sense focused on the inevitable creaking of the door's hinges. She would win the race this time, oh yes.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nine weeks in the hospital, two of which are spent in the ICU, much of which you spend drugged up majorly, most of which you can only remember in the form of a hallucinogenic haze, all told the whole package somehow saves your miserable worthless life:  $250,000  Living with the shitty (in all senses of the word) bag that now collects all your shit from the hole in your abdomen which you crap out of for 3 years until you get an internal pouch hooked back up to your ass:  $4,000  All the scars and other fucked up shit you now have to draw on for insight for the rest of your life: priceless.    
  I pick my nose still, sometimes insted of whiping it on the wall i flick it into your hair.  
  21, never really had sex, hair all over my body, arabic, overweight, ugly nipple because of an infected piercing years ago, no job, asshole drunk.  I guess if I lost a limb I could be even more unattractive.  
  Ever wonder why dogs are so good at finding drugs?  Some people say it's because the receptors in their noses are bigger, I say fuck you, that's only half the story.  Dogs are good at finding drugs because they love 'em just as much as we do.  Every dog I've ever gotten high has absolutely fucking loved it.  So did my cat.   
  I went to the "drag race" dance at my college. Left after an hour and a half because it was too crowded, the show sucked, and I couldn't find my friends. There was also no alcohol, and the main reason I'd gone was to get drunk.   I realized I needed alcohol while dancing an some anonymous guy (actually bumping into him at very close quarters) while he pawed my dress up above my waist and licked me. He was showing much less skin than I was. I felt so cheated.   I turned down two possible lays that night, but even lower, I found out that this guy had left lipstick all over my cheek. The lipstick was his.   
  When I was in about 4th grade, it became the done thing to coat your hands in Elmer's Glue, wait for it to dry off, then peel it off.  So there are a bunch of 9 year olds sitting around with this white, gooey mess all over their hands.  And I didn't find it funny until just now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I work at a call center for a branch of banks that are growing in large amounts here locally.  The other day I received a call from a frantic woman who claims that her husband has disappeared.  I didn't understand why she called us (the bank) until the conversation continued.  Her husband, who is quite wealthy if I might add, had an account with us.  She provided us with his account number and I pulled it up, noticing that she was not on the account as well I informed her that I couldn't give her any information on it.  She yelled and screamed claiming that she has contacted the police and that his bank statement came in and large amounts of money were disappearing and she didn't know where they were coming from.  As she continued crying, she said that she suspected abduction and someone was holding him for ransom.  As I scrolled down the page observing the account, I noticed purchases at expensive hotels and boutiques...hmmmm...I think we can put two and two together.  THIS is lowbrow folks.  
  Weymouth, Massachusetts, USA.  If you've ever been there, you'll know why. I need say no more. Shudder, and move on.  -----  If not, just think of this: Remember Johnny Depp's character in Blow? From Weymouth. Based on a real guy. Really from Weymouth.  Dead horse in the  drinking  water supply along with used condoms and feces and "other human waste." It's this other human waste I worried about.  Just about every 12 year old either dealing pot or buying it (except for Peter aka Ponyboy, if he's reading this let him feel the shame, who spend $50 on a bag of OREGANO...). Or worse.  Every 15 year old has a weird lowbrow sex story to tell. Many, many, many of these are their own.  This neighborhood of fucking snobby yuppie hypocrite racists and white trash and everyone inbetween.... Fucking suburbs.  Even the DMs for the local D&D games got lapdances (yeah... that was partly me... Hi Brandon, you were a corrupting influence on my own GM style, by the way.). Although I still never did manage to get laid while I was in Weymouth (that's my own little lowbrow moment, and no, I wasn't going for Brandon).  Beach closed for a year due to, yes, water issues! I'm sorry, but the infamous "dirty water" of the Charles, at least if some crew team person fell in you didn't need to decontaminate 'em after....  I'm living in Redneckville, Virginia right now and let me tell you- Confederate flags on rusty old pickup trucks parked in front of trailers, and the guy's girlfriend is black- nice joke, that, but it was true- it is LESS, by far, LESS lowbrow than Weymouth.  I shit you not.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When NASA first started sending up astronauts,  they quickly discovered that ball-point pens  would not work in zero gravity. To combat the  problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12  Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero  gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any  surface including at temperatures ranging from  below freezing to 300 .     The Russians used a pencil  
  the scene: one long ten hour sabbatical back home to kentucky.   the song: Iron Man  me: "jesus christ dad! could you turn that down a little?"   dad: "misty, if it's too loud, you're too old!!~!~!!"  he throws me the horns. \m/  i nod in agreement.   ahh, bonding.   
  >Did you know that drinking orange juice makes your herpes worse? I do.   Did you know that drinking orange juice makes you roll better when on e?  I do.  
  i quit smoking cigarettes a couple years back... a pretty good decision for both my health and my wallet.  smokes are up to about $8.00 a pack here in nyc.  so anyway, i'm at a bar last night, and this guy from camel is handing out free smokes... two packs each!  all he does is take a drivers license, write down our name and some other stuff, and have us give our emails and phone numbers.  i think this is a pretty good deal, especially since i gave a fake phone number and email address, and i no longer live at the address on my license.  hey, that $16 of free smokes that i can sell to friends.  a friend informed me today that the cig companies sometimes sell those lists, with names and driver's license #s, to insurance companies so they can charge you higher rates.  so i'm fucked.  guess i may as well go ahead and smoke these two packs then.  
  Ancient Andy Capp cartoon. Flo comes home, walks into the kitchen, comes back out to where Andy is sitting on the couch. Flo: "When I left this morning, there were four beers in the pantry. Now there's only one. How can you explain  that? " Andy gets up, walks through to the pantry, comes back with the beer, sits down. Andy: "It was dark in there."  
   sometimes, after loading the groceries into my car, I put the shopping cart on the crosshairs defining four parking spots.   As the cart balances there, I hurry to leave before the cart come loose and rolls with ever increasing speed to its next destination.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
       writing a boring paper about ecclesiastical controversy in the poetry of Herbert.  Randomly groped one of my own boobs mid-sentence.  Paused.  Thought  "I love my breasts"  Went back to writing.  God, its fun to be back on the plus end of the self-image scale.   
  This morning I was going to breakfast with my now lesbian ex-girlfriend. Earlier we had been joking about how all of the women I've dated have been turned out to be lesbian or bisexual and needing to explore themselves. The topic changes to what she's going to do while being laid up due to an impending knee surgery. She mentioned wanting to get the first season of "Buffy" the TV series. I've never seen it, but felt like I should support her decision, "I'd watch it, but only because that red head is cute." "Willow?" She asked. I said, "Yeah, I think that's the one." She looked at me moments before busting out laughing, "Willow's a lesbian on the series."   I possess some kind of inverted gaydar I suppose.   
  Sitting on the bus, a scraggly fellow got on and sat next to me.  After a few moments, he pulled out a comb, and used it to eat SPAM - you know, the stuff you see in the grocery store and wonder "who *buys* that stuff, anyway?" - right out of the can.  Believe it or not, it wasn't the 14 Mission.  
  last night I had eight beers and ended up completely drunk.  Two weeks ago it took 17 beers.  It's like reverse tolerance.  
  Dammit.  If I take the extra 3 or 4 minutes to jerk off in the shower, then I'm out of hot water by the time I finish rinsing my hair.  I need a bigger water heater.  
  I wasn't doing it on purpose at first, but I am eating beef jerky with a pair of wirecutters.         
  my brother and dad had just got done fighting while we were on a long road trip...my dad proceeded to hock the biggest loogy ever and spit it out the window, the wind then flew it into my brothers window and landed smack on his forehead. pay backs a bitch, especially when non intended  
  A friend and I are in a bar.    He asksthis girl to dance and she says, "I just got off the dance floor"...  Later he asks again and she says,  "Sorry,I hates this song"...   Later he goes back and she says, "I..."  He cuts her off,  "It okay, now that I'm up close I can see you look fat in those jeans."  As he walks back to our table and a  shout follows him... "FFFUUUUCCCKKK  YYOOOUUUU!!!"  Man, is he smiling...   
  christmas in the county jail, iron mountain upper michigan. first day there, lunch, and a kid with a middle-school quality  nofx tattoo tells me i'm in his seat. i'm a little guy, he is not. i am reminded of what my friend told me a few days ago... "your first day in there, you gotta kick someone's ass, or you'll end up being somebody's bitch." that's some pretty funny shit, combined with this u.p. ya-hay's shitty tattoo and his vacant threats, that's some really funny shit, so i begin laughing.  gut bust laugh. nofx kid gets pissed, and threatens me more, but i think my laughter irritated because he walked away pretty quickly. i was in county jail in the upper peninsula of michigan over christmas. the few of you who have been up there know how truly lowbrow this post is.  
  i was sitting at his kitchen table, quietly feeling sorry for myself, because of the next days gyno appointment.   my boyfriend of almost a year says..."wait, why are you going again?"  me- "'cause i need a physical for work"  him- "can't you go to a regular doctor?"  me- "well yeah, but i want to go on birth control too..."  him- "why?"  oh shit...is he trying to tell me something?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When i was 8 my sister (who was 6) wanted a horse.  Well, she nagged and whined and cried and begged for a few months before her birthday. I told my parents, "Don't do it, she won't take care of it, just like all the other pets"  Well, we live on a farm, and i think my parents wanted the damn thing anyway, so on her birthday she got a horse.  A fullbred Quarterhorse named "Rosie".  Quarterhorses are big horses. Not the biggest, but to a 6 year old girl, they are fucking HUGE. So guess who was afraid of the horse? And guess who had to take care of it?   Well, after about 4 years, i get fed up with the damn horse, and nobody rode it anyway, so it was basicly wild again.  My dad sold it to our neighbors.  We would drive by on the way to school and wave at Rosie for about 6 months, then one day she wasn't there anymore.  My sister made my dad find out why. Turns out the neighbors didn't like the horse either, so they took it to auction.  Nobody wanted the wild horse, and do you know who buys all the horses nobody wants? The Glue Factory.   Well, my sister was heartbroken. Yelled and screamed and called my dad a murderer and all that. We all know who's fault it was, tho, right? She wanted it, then she wouldn't take care of it.  Next morning she came downstairs to find a bottle of glue at her spot in table with the words "Rosie" written on it with a sharpie.  I got sooooooooooo grounded.  
  jackie o and courtney love had their husbands killed,  traci lords and kobe tai had their fuckholes drilled.  
  While it's gratifying to find a pic of an old lover online and see how far downhill they've slid, it's distressing to remember maybe they didn't look much different when you were fucking them.  Damn, where were my standards back then?  
  so i was at pep boys a few days ago, and i get into line, i hear at the next line a young black women, and she sounds pissed, the guy behind her came over to my line and i offered my spot to him because he was there first, he then leans over and says "dude, shes about to throw down over there" i just looked and thought meh, but when i came to the counter and paid for my stuff, i heard her say, i'm just going to leave it here, and the poor guy working at the counter was like "i'm sorry but it's yours" then i found out she was mad cause she couldn't return the item without a receipt, she then just walked out of the story leaving the stuff at the counter.   i'd paid a lot to be there when she tells someone else that she bought something, lost the receipt, then proceded to return the stuff, then thought it would show "the man" was is up by giving the item back to the store. stupid people shouldn't mate, this laddy is such a waste of sperm.   
  Laundry day..  Searching through my dorm room, even underneath the bed, looking, looking for something clean to wear.  No such luck. Not even underwear or a bra...   Then, I get an idea..  "Aha!"    I wrapped myself in a towel, grabbed all my laundry, ran to the laundry room, then hung around my room pretending I was locked out.  Pure genius, although I got some leers from the men on my floor.    
  Ex-Girlfriend spent the night drinking out at my place one night...she slept there.  The next morning I was taking her home and talking about going to the strip clubs later that night.  She tells me that Tom, (her current boyriend), would never do anything like that.  "That's because Tom doesn't like to see girls naked", I reply.    
  suicide hotline workers training one oh one colon  wallow wallow wallow bang silence  now see that is someone who you shoulda taken seriously when they talked about killin themself   
  The first death metal concert I ever went to..I was so fucked up I spent the entire time in the bathroom, puking and passing out. And puking. And passing out again.  The band's name was Bodybag.  You tell me what I missed.  
  Does the guy in the car ahead of me really think I'll be impressed by his skills if he inches up without his hands on the wheel?  His arms are folded behind his head and he keeps checking me out in the rear and sideview mirrors.  I will him to crash...hoping that the light will turn red while he's halfway through the intersection and since he's not holding the wheel...he'll get splattered.  But instead he turned his head so that he was looking directly at me in the sideview, winked, and lifted up his left arm to scratch his armpit.  Baby, take me now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as i climbed the escalator towards another lonely lunch, i looked up and saw a homeless lady in front of me. she was barefoot and dirty. she smelled of the streets, of dumpsters that filled the back alleys, of insanity. i followed her as she walked uncaringly into the corporate dining hall.  i saw herdart towards a line that was filled with suits. i lost her as a group of yuppies passed me. maybe she finally got to feel like more than a bag lady.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  "Two Sierra's?" "You have anything lighter? Like Michelobe?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm a blonde-haired, blue eyed, all-American boy in his early 20s.  So I'm working in the dungeon level of Universal Studios as the monkey who puts everyone in numbered lines so they can go off to time travel. And these two Japanese teenage girls are staring at me. I take it as a compliment, until they start snapping flash pictures of me. This is a dark room and the flashes are kinda messing me up. So I smile at them and try to calm them down.  But then they yell out "Leo! Leo!" Oh dear God. No. They think I'm DiCaprio. Tourists always think that movie stars come to Universal Studios to hang out.  So I show them my name tag and try to shut them up, because the room is full of 60 tourists now cracking up, but the only English they know is "Leo DiCaprio" and the closer I get to them the more they freak out. Of course, my co-workers see this and I never hear the end of it.  But somewhere in some high-school in Osaka there are girls swooning over pictures of me in my ugly, ugly uniform.  
  Triple-dating with my two roommates.  I'm glad I don't have Neil's date -- she's the loud, pig-headed type.  That doesn't bother Neil -- he's much better at this dating thing than I am (for example,  he's  not still a virgin).  Suddenly, she gets suspicious of why he always keeps his left hand in his pocket.   She decides he's hiding a wedding ring and starts to get obnoxious about it.  Davy and I quickly rush over to help.  Ms. PigHead probably only has a clear thought about twice a year, so she won't let this one go.  Davy and I are guarding Neil like he is the hoop, double-teaming PigHead. If this had been a US bar, the patrons would be chanting "DEE-FENSE, DEE-FENSE" already.  It's not. It's Scotland, but she puts an NBA move on us anyway, grabs Neil's arm, yanks hard, screams and faints clean away.  Our dates rush over to help her, so we walk Neil into the billiard room so that everybody can calm down.  Neil is the least perturbed of anyone. He racks up a snooker game, then carefully arranges his tiny, grotesque, polio-ridden hand as a fence, and breaks.  Neil: "Last time that happened, I got a guilt-fuck out of it before the night was out. Pink in the corner pocket..."  Neil calls it his "lucky hand." He certainly makes enough money playing snooker with it...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to have been eight or nine years old when this happened.  My father is fucked up, but I didn't know how fucked up is the thing.  During the summer my brother, sister and I would go off to see him, usually on the weekends.  One particular weekend we were returning from the beach.  Now, normally it's an uneventful trip.  He doesn't say shit half the time and when he does, it's to enlighten us with his encyclopedic knowledge of anything and everything.  It's the only way he talk to people, sadly.    Well, we were driving back on the express way.  I'm sitting in the front seat.  And he starts fuckin' with me per usual. Pinching me, pushing me around, shit like that.  But then he starts pinching me hard.  I mean, I was a big wuss back then, but even if I was a hard ass eight year old I would have started crying anyway.    He loses it.  He's hollering at me.    "IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP PINCHING YOU, THEN FUCKIN' SAY SO! DON'T START CRYING LIKE A LITTLE FUCKIN' BABY!"  He presses on the accelerator and moves over into the second lane.  "YOU WANT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"  He proceeds accelerate gaining on this woman driving a pickup.  He pulls out his .22 pistol and starts waving and pointing it at the lady.  Screaming. Cursing.  Being a crazy fuck, basically.  Then just as quickly as he snapped, he backs off.  Mutters some shit to me that I can't remember now. He's zen fuckin' calm and proceeds to drive us back home. I was scared shitless for quite awhile after that.  I never thought he'd actually hurt me, cause he's never been a violent drunk.  But he's unpredictable, so just trying to guess what he'd do would bring up some unsavory thoughts.      This is just one of the many episodes growing up with a paranoid, alcoholic, bi-polar father.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do Canadians know the term ghetto?  Is there a need for it in Canada?  Do they have OG's and gangstas and homies and all that?  If so, what would their slang sound like?  Just the thought of someone saying "Ay-yo!  I'mmaboot to flash on this poser, eh?" sends me in to convulsions of giggles.  
  I work in a fast food place.  At night, I'm usually the only one in the store, and therefore I get to choose my own music.  I like punk, ska and ambient, and each has it's own time that I play it over the course of a night.  It was time for punk.  I turned on some Rollins Band.  It's not exactly the most 'radio-friendly' music I play, but it was a slow night, and I was in the mood for it.  About 1 minute after it starts playing, a couple with a 3-5 year old kid came in.    This kid was pretty musically talented, after about 2 minutes of listening to the music, she began singing the chorus.  I found it great that a kid that young could enjoy some good music.  I don't think the parents appreciated their 3-5 year old daughter singing:  "I wanna disconnect myself pull my brains damn out, unplug myself I want nothing right now, I want to pull it out"  I don't know how she managed it, but I still play the same CD in the hopes that it will happen again.  
  Sign above the mirror in the women's restroom of a Chicago restaurant:  "You're too good for him."  
     Westboro is a trendy neighbor hood, full  of rich middle age public servents and young proffesional things -- its got expensive flower shops and  exotic craft stores. And now it has hookers -- women in low cut business suits without pantyhose, hitching rides a meter away from bus stops. It took my my friend  from the other side of town to point out to me who these women are. I have been very sheltered.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just took an IQ test, I scored a 144, and then, while trying to share my triumph, I tripped over my sock and fell on my ass.  I'm gifted.  
  Sometimes after we make love, my boyfriend and I like to snuggle up together in bed and talk to each other in Sean Connery voices.  
  I was driving with my buddy. We blew past a nice office building. I was wearing a ratty old T-shirt and my army pants. We looked like a bunch of tools that had climbed out of a sewer.  The music in my buddies stereo was loud. I think we were listening to Sublime.  I was waving to random people (something I do frequently). I waved to some guy in a nice business suit. He flipped me the bird.  Later that night my mom introduced me to her date for that evening.  Guess who it was? Mr. Middle Finger himself.  "Don't I know you from somewhere?" I said.  "Nope. I don't ever recall meeting you before."  "Oh right! I remember you. You fingered me and Doni while we drove by your office building. Have a nice date."  My mom ditched him with a stiff restaurant bill.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nervous over the cold sore on his lip, but feeling bouyed by his new tassle Mocs, he walked with apparent confidence into the Starbucks.        
  She started playing at a furious clip; the Lucite bass was cool in her hands and it felt natural, like an extension of her right arm.  She couldn't figure out why she was getting such a great boomy sound out of the cheap-ass headphones she had plugged into the 4-track, until she took them off and realized she was playing through her stereo speakers as well.  Her face turned crimson.  Mortified, but for no good reason.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  Today at work I sold a $5.00 poster for $69.00  Yes I work on commision.  
  When my sister was much younger, she had some constipation problems that necessitated an enema. My parents took her into one room to administer it, while I continued my business around the house. Unfortunately, I happened to be walking through the hall at a crucial moment:  Mother's voice, reading: "Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me; I'm the gingerbread--" Sister: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!"  Several years later, my sister was looking through a bookshelf in our house and suddenly shrieked, pulled something out, and threw it viciously into the trash can. I went over and looked in the can: "The Little Gingerbread Man".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         senile dementia is a cruel trick here is a woman who has lived to ninety three has seen more changes and felt all the emotions of someone with that kinda mileage wrapped in the innocence of non retrieval and sheer horror of somehow losing it all when i get to that point im calling dr jacks proteges         
  I bet it was cool back in Shakespeare's day, back before there were dictionaries.  Someone could be like "hey, i don't think you used that word correctly.", or "hey, i don't think that's a real word." or "hey, that's my wallet."  and you'd just be like "well, fuck you."     Then again, i guess you can still do that today, just not with quite as much authority.  
        a q-tip in your penis? good god man, just use your hands like the rest of us  
  So here I am, sitting awake at three am, on my own, in my room, surfing the internet.  I'm very conscious that I've got about twelve hours to write an 1800 word essay for my course, and I'm also aware that I've got 3600 more words to write after that for the next day.  I know I'm not going to do it, because I can't be bothered with it. I know this will probably mean I'm going to fail my course.  But, you know what?  I don't really care.  
  i masturbate to a nice lesbian porn    afterwards i nonchalantly hit the reload button on ratemypoop.com as my dad walks in  im not sure if he was more afraid that i had been rating shit, or that my pants were still around my ankles     
  i will never forget that magical first day of 9th grade. my dad dropping me off in the big blue van, right outside the chain fence. and there i am, fresh face to the high school, bounding excitedly out of the van. i slam the door triumphantly and pick up my brand-new high school bookbag that matches my ever-so-cute stylish high school outfit.   the first 5 seconds were good.  then, as i began to walk, i was suddenly jerked back, coming to the harsh reality that my bookbag strap was caught in the van door. i pull harder, but i trip over the chain fence, falling flat on my face, while my dad drives away, running over my brand-new high school bookbag.   to make matters worse, every kid getting off of the buses witnessed my embarassing incident.  thank god my dad came back with my bookbag, or else i never could have enjoyed my more-than-run-over sandwich during lunch.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After a lenghty evening of serious drinking at a Hallowe'en party, I had to take a chartered bus back to town.  I'm ridin' at the back of the bus.  This bus didn't have a bathroom on it.  I had to piss.  Unzipped it, and unloaded the remnants of a dozen beer and some rye and cokes onto the floor.  Wow did the puddle ever go far.  For the record, the piss puddle traveled up 11 seats. It was my Coke I said.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Quote:  Don't put the dolphin in your pants. That would be too fuckin' weird.  Unquote.   
  I think one of the first signs that my girlfriend was a keeper was when she poured Black Label on my chest and licked it off during sex.  
  So there I was, lying in bed, erect with my girlfriend about to go down on me.  We thought my mom was downstairs.  No, she was in the next room and wasn't pleased when she walked in.  "Not while I'm in the house" she says as she storms out of my room.  She thought we were about to have sex.  I almost wanted to tell her we weren't, my gf was just going to go down on me.  I didn't bother.  I didn't get any either.  Poor girlfriend.  Poor mom.  That was the last time I got head after school while mom was home.  Probably for the best though.  They both seemed to get over it though.  
  my friends and i were sitting around the kitchen table, laughing and joking around as usual. as usual, the topic eventually turned to sex. we were giggling about strange sex practices and weird fetishes, and i happened to mention a sexual technique called "bagpiping," where you stick someone's dick under your nicely-lubed armpit, and suck the end of it. one of my friends asked me how i had found out about this. i paused for a second, blushed, and shouted "hearsay!" just a little too quickly.   now my nickname is "scotty."  
  Tonight was my first time at a *very* upscale dance club. Live band, champagne splits, people who could actually dance.  Just before closing I tried to use the restroom. Someone had taken great handfulls of shit and systematically spread it on the walls. Sort of like the room was finger painted with feces. It must have taken some time a a lot of care.  I could not close the door even though the smell was overpowering. It was a work of art. A true lowbrow thing of beauty. I was in awe.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was watching friars club roast to Hugh Hefner and I heard the funniest thing.  This comedian said "We wanted to get Larry Flynt tonight, but nobody wanted to build a ramp"  THAT IS FUCKING LOWBROW  
    Me:  Don't forget to pack the box cutters.    My mom:  Randy, did we pack the box cutters?    My dad:  That line could be monitored ...   
  I was about to get down and jack off when I realized I was out of lotion. Then I had this memory of my girlfriend packing her lotion away and me having a little pain that said hey that's mine. Vegetable oil works good too.  
  The  bible -toting Jehovah's Witness thought he'd found a sucker when I warmly shook the hand he offered, but that was before he noticed the  KY Jelly  that was still on my hand from its previous activity, the one he'd just interrupted...  
  I think my skin is exhuding curry.    I really don't care for curry.  I think I'm in the wrong place for not caring about curry.  Being in Trinidad, I should probably really care about curry.  I think they puclicly humiliate people who don't care for curry.  If my mom were in charge they would.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I stopped using AOL's Instant Messenger when I noticed that my "Blocked" list was three times as long as my buddy list.  
  Was married for 20 years, and never messed around or cheated on my wife ever.  Been divorced and single for four years.  Was trying to remember how many women I've slept with in those four years (yes... it has been great)...  Remembered two more while brushing my teeth.  
  I have a document that contains all of the lowbrows that I've inputted. From MyTruck to SaltyOldWoman to EZtagger to Exwife.  I'm writing a novel and am planning on adding the inputs. The document (currently) is 57 pages.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was talking to my friend Mike the other day, and he decieds to tell me something he had ealier that week, that was possibly the most disturbing thing either of us have heard. He said he heard these cheerleaders talking about having sex on their period, no big deal right. Well then one of the chicks says "Yah after I have sex while on my period the blood changes colors....to like green and yellow". Has ANYONE out there EVER heard of this happening....cuz I seriously think this girl has type of a fungis.  
  out of all the cereal's out there, cocoa cerals are the best. i mean they taste good, and they turn your milk into chocolate milk. that is a great value. 2 great things in one. i suggest you go out to your local grocer and by 20 boxes (or bags) of cocoa cereal, before the apacalypse arrives. i know i will.  
  I saw an attractive woman accompanying two small children on my way to work this morning. I approached the woman, and said, "Nice kids, are they yours?" She said, "Yes, they are," and smiled a proud but curious smile. I said, "Wow, you're a goer, aren't you....awesome." She left, immediately.   
  One of my friends got the wrong idea from my Happy New Year's post, so let me clarify:  Taking advantage of a drunken girl is simply not my style. And taking advantage of a drunken 17 year old is a bit too lowbrow for my taste.  GETTING her drunk, on the other hand, can be fun as hell. And watching the inebriated antics of a teenager is its own reward.  
  So me and my buddies are going out one night and there is like 15 of us, and we only wanna take one car.  So we pack out my friend's van.  I am riding shotgun with a girl on my lap.  We are packed in there tight man.  Anyway we decide that we are gonna race everybody we pull up next to at a red light.  We race these black guys in a ghetto hoopty and smoke 'em.    The next light we pull up to this guy in a blue Saturn.  We all look his way and are about to like make noise and ask him to race when he uses his fold-down mirror to pop a zit.  It is a juicy one that splatters against the mirror.  Then he turns and sees all of us laughing our asses off.  He drives off through the red light.  It was a magical night.  
  Hey let me give you some GREAT advice I learned from experience:   if your friend's dad offers you a Tabasco pepper, and its less than a week off the vine and raw, don't eat it. At 120,000 Scoville Heat Units*, its the 3rd hottest pepper in the world.  3 days later and my asshole STILL burns  ---------------  *For comparison, Bell peppers are 0 and Cayenne peppers are 8,000.   
  I walk into the bar bathroom, find a stall and start to do my drunken pee routine.  And as i'm sitting there relieving myself i'm looking at the wall in front of me.  All of a sudden i turn to the guy next to me and start to go into a rant about  "who the fuck brings a pen into the bathroom, let alone takes the time to write all this shite..".  We continue our conversation all the way out of the bathroom until we go  our seperate ways to our seperate friends. Funny what conversation can be had sometimes..   
  That was a fine bowel movement, he thought.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  For the first few months I lived in Austin, Texas, I felt like I was in somebody else's independent film.  The feeling never left -- so I did.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         *Luckily, she remembered to get her Prozac prescription filled before going home for the holidays.*  
  another night with nothing to do, she sits in front of lowbrow for hours on end.  and i mean  hours .   "why is the screen shaking?"  she eventually asks herself.   answer : because she had to pee so bad she was unconsciously shaking her leg to suppress the urges.   lowbrow gave me a urinary tract infection.  
  My mom just told me that when I was little, I'd eat the foil icicles off the Xmas tree and then shit the prettiest sparkly poop afterwards.  Now for the first time in years, I can't wait for the holidays.  
  In the prime of my youth when nothing really mattered except playing and eating junk food....(wait, now that I think about it, that takes up alot of my time in college also).... Ok so when I was about 7 or 8 my best friend and I got the brilliant idea to see who had the better control over our urinary movements, and piss over a fence. Whoever got the highest over obviously won. Well, we drop our pants to our ankles and let-er-rip. About 15 seconds later I glance over at my friend to see that he was winning.... Unfortunately for him though he had angled his phalice a little far in the wrong direction. I died when I notcied that he was no longer pissing o'er the fence but in his mouth. He ran home crying.  He didn't talk to me for week, wich was good cause I didn't stop laughing for a week.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The phone rings. Forcing myself up from the pages of a good book, I stand and pick up the reciever.  The only thing I hear from the other side is that faint telltale chatter that tells you your caller is a telemarketer who hasn't bothered to hit the "connect" button yet.  "What an asshole," I think to myself, "tearing me from my book to answer his call and he's not even here yet.  Jerk" So I proceed to start pounding the keypad so it makes all those annoying little phone beeps.  I do this until I'm sure he has picked up, then I laugh into the receiver and hang up. Less than a minute later, the phone rings again, and I repeat the process of getting up for the call. This time all I hear when I pick up is BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.  
  deat owns chickens that he frequently corrals whilst running around in his yard in his underwear when asked if he wanted a beer coors lite being his drug of choice he replied i d be all over that like a porkopine on a peanutbuttered neck . was that a yes        
  Another tale of the clueless bitchneighbor who never locks her door: It's her turn to host the Wives' Association meeting from her husband's work. He's up for advancement. The captain's wife will be there.  Killing two birds with one stone: all my vast collection of empty liquor bottles and beer containers, displayed in her front yard, in her living room, the bathroom, and kitchen. Amy, aren't you sorry you put that downpayment on the new car already?  
  I was about to step into the park when I was nearly knocked over by a fellow wearing nothing but a soiled pair of tighty whitey's.  He showed me his can and soaked rag and gestured that I should join him.  "It'sss Glooood." he moaned and proceeded to stumble around in the street as cars blared horns at him. I went home and watched T.V. instead. Three's Company was on. Man I love Don Knotts.        
  I made love with a woman while her husband watch us.  I knew he would be excited to see two women together, and it excited me to see him frustrated, masturbating...cuz he wasn't allowed to touch either of us. Afterward, he slept in the guest room and I slept all night in his bed with his wife. She has him trained well.        
  I was a six year old in a Marshall's store with my mom and my twin sister. My sister had to pee so my mom went to find out where the bathroom was. While mom was gone, I tried everything I could think to make my sister laugh. By the time mom returned there was a yellow pool of pee on the linoleum floor. With a wrist grasped tightly in each hand, she dragged the both of us out of there.  
  I used to know Dustin Hoffman.  I really did.  Even stayed at his place in Connecticuit with him and his gorgeous wife Lisa.  Lisa and I beat him at Monopoly once and he got really pissed.  That was long ago.  Have you  any  idea how hard it is to bring that up in a conversation, without sounding like I'm just name-dropping?  
  the war movie thing  funny how people who have actually been through a war never discuss anything to do with it a vietnam vet who had everything below his hip joints removed abruptly couldnt get his extrawide wheelchair through the door of the seven eleven i used to buy him beer and toilet paper when i was in highschool not because i felt sorry for him but just to bust the store clerks ass about not fixing the fucking door years later i saw him wheeling down twentyfive a i pulled over and said hi we went to tushies the nearest bar and had a beer platoon my ass said he full metal jacket and the bridge scene from apocalypse now on six cups of espresso maybe but platoon fuck you so much for reality in cinema         
   The Most Beautiful Woman In The World #1   I sit down at the bar, next to a pretty blonde and a stunning brunette (Hi, Megan! Sigh...) If both of them were added together, they'd  still  be younger than me.  As is my wont, I start chatting. As I get to know her a little, the brunette gets more animated and her eyes start to sparkle, and I slowly realize that she is, indeed, TMBWITW (see above), 5'10" and 120 lbs of absolute, unique perfection.  After complimenting her on how wonderful she looks, and after we talk about her enormous hook nose and agreeing how lucky that she didn't have it "fixed," she asks: "Don't you think my friend is very pretty?"  Me: "She certainly is. On a scale of 1-10, she's at least an eight."  Friend, annoyed: "Well! Thank you VERY MUCH!"  Me: "Oh, it's not an insult. I think you're really pretty. You're just sitting next to Megan, who on a scale of 1-10, rates at least an 11."  Friend is only slightly mollified, but Megan glows even more, so who cares?  When they leave, I offer my hand, but she evades it and wraps herself around me, hugging tight.  Me: "Ohmigosh, that's not  fair! "  She: "Thank you, you are a good, lovely man."   So where's the actual lowbrow moment? Keep clicking, 'Browers...   
  Once again, I get invited to interview for a job as a writer. Takes me by surprise, so I scrabble to put some writing samples together for them. They're impressed, but want to see more, immediately. I tell them: "Just go to LowBrow.com, and keep clicking until you find moments from Limbo. That's me." They follow my instructions, right during the interview. I watch. After a few moments from LadeeFrickingDa (hi, sweetie!) and cheerleader@yercrotch (hi, sweetie!), I realize I'm not going to get hired...  
  This is gross...you have been warned.  My boyfriend used to take drum lessons from this older guy that lived across town.  Occasionally I'd acompany him if we had other things to attend to afterwards. Well he goes into the room with all the drums in this guys house and I'm sitting outside flipping through Modern Drummer magazines when about 20 minutes into the session I realize that I have to go #2.  I mean this is stomach cramping, eyes welling up with tears bad.   I stood up and started pacing.  I was really prarie doggin' it.  I couldn't sit still, I couldn't stand up, I had to keep walking and fidgeting to take my mind off it.   This continued for another 20 minutes. The only bathroom in this house mind you was in the room where the drums were set up!  I was not going to drop a bomb in the toilet while the lesson was going on.  It was a small room!   Finally my boyfriend emerged from his lesson, and I was thanking my lucky stars that we'd be leaving soon.  Instead he proceeded to have a ten minute conversation with his teacher about the Drummer from 311.  I'm screaming inside "I have to take a DUMP! lets go!" but I say nothing.  I keep tugging his sleeve but he keeps talking.   I pace and start walking for the door. Finally we leave!  As I step off the curb to get into the car my sphincter muscles just can't take it anymore and a tiny bit squeezed out.  I was so shocked that I promptly sat down in the car and felt a disgusting squish in my panties.  I told my boyfriend that I really had to pee.  He pulled into a BK bathroom and I ran inside.  Oddly enough only the mens restroom was functioning due to some construction so I had to go in there and lock the door.   I pulled down my panties and it was gross. All smeared with crap.  I sat down and let the rest of it plop out.  Then I looked around and wondered what to do with my poopy underwear.  They were really cute and feminine.  Sheer pink full backs with flowers embroidered on the front.  I thought about it for a while... And cleaned myself up.  I took the panties completely off...and hung them on the hook on the back of the door. I laughed to myself...the next guy to take a dump is going to get a surprise. I mean imagine it...guys...if you went to a public bathroom to take a dumb and saw a pretty pair of panties hung on the hook on the back of the door...only the panties were covered in poop.  Yeh, so don't say poop stories don't happen to chicks...cause they do.  
  you know those little bottles of booz (jim beem. jack danials. ect) you can buy that are like super small. they need to make little brown paper bags to put them in.   
  so, i've been going out with this guy for a month and its the first time i've been completely alone with him. As one might expect of two 16 year olds, we're making out on his bed, hes got me all half naked and i haven't even gotten his sweatshirt off yet. All of a sudden, my nose gets runny... I try to discretely sniffle. Not an easy task...it doesn't work. after a few seconds of trying to figure out what the hell's going on, i stop kissing him... and proceed to drip blood on his lips.  my Nose is bleeding. So i get up and walk half way across his apartment topless tryna find a kleenex, mean while blood is dripping down my boob....   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when at the hospital due to an anophilactic shock from peanuts, my girlfriend starts looking around in cupboards for drugs we can steal.  She walks around to the other side of the cot and looks down blankly horrified at what was on the floor.  1 pair of dirty granny gitch 1 pair of urine stained pants 2 pairs of women`s underwear 1 pair of men`s tighty whities   Mix all of the above in large bowl and bake at 350degrees for 35 mins.  Take out and let cool. Serves family of 5, alergic reactions include, gonerrea, siphilis, and HIV   Receipe: STD ROOM at ANY SURROUNDING DOWNTOWN HOSPITAL   
  Same Beatles concert as my other moment, me 14 years old, standing there looking around in frightened amazement at thousands of insane girls screaming wildly.  The place just  reeks  of pheromones.  I start to wonder if there is some benefit to be had from screaming, so I try it. After all, who's going to hear me in  this  place?  Four rows down, some guy immediately swings around and stares me into silence.  
  I used to work as a dominatrix.  It comes in handy when I can't think up a Halloween costume.  One year I tried to convince my fuck buddy to go as my slave.  He refused because he was trying to pimp some girl, and didn't want to wear a mask.    I waited till he was really drunk and whipped the shit out of him in front of her.    She called me the next day.  
  "Okay, drive by my house and honk, and I'll come meet you." I said and hung up the phone.    10 minutes later I heard a honk outside, and stepped out on to the balcony to wave.  It wasn't my friend, it was a random woman who had pulled over to park.  It was clear that she and the car behind her were in an altercation, and that the second car had honked.  As I watched the second car rev its engine and roar past the parked car,  the woman leaned out of her driver's side window, shouting obscenities at the other car and making obscene hand gestures in her anger.   "Good for her" I thought, pleased and amused to see someone actually give vent to the fury that Boston drivers can provoke.             
  I was starting a new internship the next day and instead of reading up on the 5-year project reports like I was supposed to, I was describing to my boyfriend on AOL's instand messanger my fantasy of having sex on a public bench overlooking the river in Savannah.         
  I have to beg my live-in girlfriend to have sex with me.  And she usually has some excuse to deny me.  Not a good excuse.  Usually something like, "Jeopardy's on."  
  at my best friend's 15th birthday party we smoked pot for the first time then our semi-annoying friend brian catelle was banging a meat tenderizer and chanting "order in the court"...he was beat over the head with it until he bled a little...he wasn't hurt that bad but we all felt guilty...soon after though, all of us held him down while my best friend's dog got off in his face...i was just glad i wasnt' the runt...  
  You know the "snooze button"? Every goddamned alarm clock I ever bought came with a manual that said the snooze period lasted "approximately 10 minutes."  Every goddamned one of them had a snooze period of EXACTLY NINE MINUTES!  A conspiracy? Yep. Just a lame one, is all.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I grew up in a small Southern town and it wasn't very cosmopolitan.  For example, there were more than a few people who refused to eat "foreign" food like pizza and spaghetti.  
  My mom's screen name is catlover1941.  Often times people she doesn't know will ask her questions about her pussy and share stories about their own.  My mom is in her 60's and doesn't realize they don't mean Bucky the cat.  
    Freshman year in highschool (a summer around then anyway) Raji and I are sitting in my house, bored and hungry.  We don't have any money to go to the Bagelsmith so we start rummaging through my freezer.  Behold, fried chicken.   We're eating it in my kitchen and Raji says "ach what is this?".  I tell him it looks like an artery, he's a little disturbed but keeps eating.  A few seconds later he asks "What kind of fucking bone is this?".  I look and begin to smile. "It's a tail bone dude, you just ate a chickens ass."  He's never been the same around fried chicken since.        
  I'm in love with my girlfreinds teenage daughter.  i have not, and will not, act on that emotion.  just the same, i am sick.  she's only 15.  i understand that everything i love about her would be gone if anything ever happened.  just the same, i want it to happen.  badly        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We had been sitting in the hotel room for over an hour, smoking pot and drinking while waiting for our buddy Robbie and his girl to get out of the shower.  We had already sprayed half a can of Ozium under the door to try and fog the fuckers out, but they were still in there.  Our buddy Scott had to piss, so he went in the corner and pissed in a Mountain Dew bottle, which he then threw in the trash.  Finally, they came out of the bathroom, and Robbie complained of being thirsty.  We all pretty much ignored him, as we were then leaving the hotel to go see Pantera.  In the hallway we noticed that he was drinking a Mountain Dew, apparently his girl had grabbed it from the trash can since we had drank all our beer.  We asked Robbie how it was, and he claimed it was a little flat.  Maybe we'll tell him in a few more years what that was, and why we kept laughing at him that night.  
  The last time I caught food poisoning I vomitted so hard it felt like everything I ever ate came up.  At one point, I puked what looked whole canned style tomatoes, which was weird 'cause I hadn't eaten a tomato in months.    I forgot all about it until I heard a story about a guy who had to clean up after seasick soldiers. Onboard a war ship, he had to mop a whole deck splattered with puke containing tomatoes, and he knew none of those men had eaten tomatoes in months!  It made me wonder how common is this, anyway? Do tomatoes just stay in your system? That's way too weird!       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?  
  The morning sun reached tentatively into the hedge where a lace of dark shadows hid the  rumpled form which lay slumped against the side of the building.  Slowly the light burned through the stupor and bloodshot eyes creaked open to blink uncomprehendingly at their surroundings. Steven Hatch, also known as Stinker, or in other venues more succinctly as Skunk, awoke to face another day.  His was a moment to moment existence focused entirely upon urges and their satisfaction.  The urge of the moment was centered upon his bladder.  The stench of ammonia suggested that this urge had been satisfied at least once during the unconscious hours of the night. Be that as it may, an urge was an urge and this one was among the easiest to eliminate.  With exaggerated care, he maneuvered himself into a semi-vertical position with his forehead against the cool brick wall. Ahhhh, relief flooded his consciousness. Relief was nearly the only emotion he had left which resembled joy in any sense.  Drinking to insensibility, taking a leak or taking a dump, these had become the zeniths of his days.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Earlier today, I was watching T.V., and my phone rang.  It was a telemarketer promoting some long distance phone company.  I told them I was Amish and didn't have a phone.       
  I hated flying, which is why I was on the Greyhound bus to Florida.  She sat next to me.  A big woman with stringy black hair.  A real "motorcycle momma" if you know what I mean.  She said: "The whole thing was an accident.  I was only trying to clean out the cash register.  I wasn't planning on shooting anyone.  That cop shoulda never been there."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Slipping slightly on the bar mat, she spins around, looks for me on thedark, wondering why I didn't pick up my $1.25.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The liquid was poured into the concoction of orange Hi-C powdered drink mix and 150 proof vodka and turned it into agent orange. I did a few shots. At one point the kitchen tiles bubbled then broke leaving me hanging from the counters in a jesus christ pose while my feet dangled above the fires of the very gates of hell. As my sneakers burned off and my flesh began to char Ryan walked in reached into the kitchen and pulled me out. Margarets having a hard time and she needs someone to talk to her, he says. You're the only one she'll talk to, he says. Margaret, beautiful Margaret, stood, crammed into the corner, losing her shit. I walked over and touched her wondeful cheek and said "you need to go play in the snow".  I dressed her in my favorite sweater and a pair of hiking boots and we laughed like children for hours during the blizzard. I held her close that night as she slept in my pink buttondown, kissing her ear and stroking her hair.. And so to those who think acid is evil, I say this, ITS ALL IN THE APPLICATION AND USE!         
  this morning i saw Vanna White do an infomercial for some sonic toothbrush. apparently no one has told her it's time for a Kurt Cobain.  
  I had a headache earlier tonight. But I ate toast and took ibuprofen, and now my ass hurts. Coincidence? I doubt it.  
  I'm not that concerned that they both did the hitchhiking girl they had picked up, but did they have to take all her money?        
  It is a sad sad comment when you catch yourself telling a friend that it has been so long since you have been laid that you are starting to appreciate the joys of waiting as long as possible to piss and finally letting it go with a massive "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!"  
  In high school, I was head cheerleader.  In college, I gave head while guys cheered me on.   I wish I could put both/either on my business cards.      
  did dishes for about 7.5 hours tonight. came home and took a piss, I look down, my dick is blue and bruised looking like I got punched in the cock.  realized I'm just wearing new b0x0rz and the dye is just bleeding.  whew.  
  I need a tall blonde without voices in her head.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at camp - a very awkward girl of 9 - quiet, shy. Anyway, there was a girl, even dorkier than me that everyone hated. She stole my ping-pong ball while I was playing one day. She was taunting me and I was suddenly filled with rage so when I caught her I choked her on the ping pong table. I don't know why Everyone hated & was scared of me after that. She suddenly had boatloads of friends.  I ended up with a reputation and a complex that someday I could kill someone without meaning it.  
  Deep love that doesn't work out felt this:  When you're a very young kid, and some grown up, perhaps a borderline sadistic uncle, teases you with something he KNOWS you really want.  He dangles, say, the keys to his own supercool car in front of you, drops them into your little hands, saying something about how it's all yours, now: Dad said it's okay. Wanna drive?   He's grinning down at you, and you're going crazy with excitement. This is a dream come true! How could they have known? Brand new. All yours.  You live out a small lifetime in imagination, start planning your new life around that amazing gift. You want it so badly, and it's all yours. You can't WAIT.  And nobody believes you when you try to tell 'um. And shortly, when Unc pulls some unfunny stunt to get his keys back, and when some of the crueler adults crack up and laugh right at you, you realize how you'd been fooled. There's no shiny new cool car, no special present like that just for you. Kids don't get anything that cool. They knew it all along. You were played with just for entertainment.  "Too good to be true". You hear it when fate snatches back your heart's desire at any age.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         wait wait wait  hurl i throw the snowball as hard as i can and it finds its target dead on  i learned then that i was an idiot for six years old or not nobody but nobody throws snowballs at a police car in front of their own house        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Nothing to do at 2AM since the crazybitch moved from next door and I haven't found anyone new to torment yet. So I went to the 24 hour WalMart and got a cart, put in big knives, a gas can, some rope, and a pair of gloves.  Then I followed this disgustingly fat woman all over the store, stopping when she did, moving on when she did, staying about 10 feet behind her the entire time. Once or twice she looked back to see if I was still there, and I did the really obvious looking up at the ceiling and whistling innocent Who Me thing.  I've never seen anyone that fat move as fast as she did, loading up her Pepsis and Doritos into her car, while I stood just one car over and stared.  Hot fun in the summer time.  
  Stevi dragged me kicking and screaming to smoking cessitaion classes so could have a little moral support in trying to quit.  After six weeks I give up my precious smoking habit.  Seven months later she is in from Germany trying to force Marlboros in my mouth so she doesn't have to smoke alone.        
  So me and my 2 buddies head down to Austin, TX for the New Years. (Like there is anything better to do in Oklahoma.) And we walk around the main downtown area for a while, and there are these sutpid Jesus-Freaks with thier stupid fliers on every corner for about 6 blocks. These sheep even have thier kids out there handing out these things that say stuff like:  "Believe in Jesus or Burn in eternal Hellfire."  Everyone downtown got annoyed with it rather quickly.  So as my buddy walks by one of the little kids handing out fliers (probably about 7-8 years old) the little kid says:  [Offers Flier]"Believe in Jesus"  My buddies response:  "Santa Claus isn't real."  Its great to give a little back.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         watching girl on girl porn as another guy sucks my dick  talk about irony  
  Did you know that the clitoris is the only human organ whose sole purpose is pleasure?  That's it.  No other function.  Just pleasure.  I wish all my other organs were cliteri.  
     I can just imagine the liquor store clerks face when my wife places the 2 40's of olde english on the counter that I sent her to buy for me.  
  I have been searching for a more hardcore alternative to lowbrow. Don't think it exists... online anyways          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend Mike and I were sitting around day one comparing how many people we've had sex with, when we lost our virginity, and who the oldest person was we had sex with.  Mike's 8 years older than I am (and hot as Hell).  We both lost our virginity at 14 to older people.  The bad part is, I've had over twice as many sexual partners in 3 years than he's had in 11.  On top of that, the oldest person I slept with was 32 when I was 15.  His oldest was 28 when he was 20.  That's the first time I ever came close to realizing that I might just be a slut.  
  Flying down the verbal freeway at about 100 billion words per minute, she says something about "jilling off".  I stop her to ask if I heard it right.  "Yeah, I said jilling off"  "So what the fuck is jilling off?"  "You know.. Jack and Jill went up the hill...?  Guys jack off, so girls..."  I didn't hear the rest of what she said, I was laughing so hard.  
  I was going on a long car trip with my family when I was about 8.  I was sitting in the back, not doing too much when my mom asked me "What are you doing?" I said "I'm praying" She looked supprised and asked about what, I say "I'm praying it's not genetic." True Story.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In like 8th grade this kid was sleeping and we drew a big penis on his face with a sharpie marker going to his mouth squirting cum and whatnot. in the morning he awoke yelling about how we fucked with him while trying to sleep. he exclaimed "you guys are such dicks" only to look in the mirror and realize the awful truth.  
  why is it that every roommate ad i answer is a 45 year old "artist" who will let me "work the rent out some other way"? are all the other women my age broke prostitutes or something?  
  Me: "Hey, it says on this site that Ed Wood Jr. wore a bra and panties under his fatigues on D-Day." *Pause* "God, that's hot." i'm sorry, i had to say it. i had to. I HAD TO!  
  Most of history's greatest thinkers and inventors were simply people who got bored easily.  So were history's great mass murderers and sociopaths.  Every day I wonder which I'm going to turn into.  
  I used to be a busser at Village Inn.  The best part of any job is the day you quit, if you know how to do it right.  I asked my idiot manager to follow me.  I then proceeded to walk through the restaurant and say, "Fuck you, sir" to every single table.  While my manager was busy apologizing profoundly and telling them that their meal would be free tonight, I went on to the next table.  After I finished with this, I turned to the manager, said, "And fuck you too, sir.  Fuck you too.", took four pies from the counter, and left.  
  So, I bought a Lowbrow T-shirt. So, now every so often I realize I'm surfing Lowbrow while wearing my Lowbrow T-shirt. So, then I feel embarrassed, like I'm that guy at the concert wearing the shirt with the band on it.  
  Apparently the people who dress up as the characters at Disney Land are instructed NEVER to take their character's heads off in public EVER so as to avoid forcing some ankle-biter to watch Mickey take his head off.  Anyway, new employees actually have to go to a workshop to learn how to cope when they vomit in to the head because of the intense heat.  Happiest place on earth, my ass.  
  one night after getting hammered off cheap scotch (as he did every single night of the week for a very, very long time), my stepdad threw an entire pot full of tomato sauce in the dishwasher, yelled at it, and stumbled off to bed.  not very amusing for the rest of the world i suppose, but it was pretty fucking surreal.  my brother and i talk about that little incident a lot.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm at this coffeshop I frequent, and a couple of regular customers from my work are there. We start talking, and come to find out they know my step-family. When I told them my evil stepbrother would be getting out of prison in a week or so, a girl sitting with them said "I have one of those." "An evil stepbrother?" "Yeah." When she told me he was locked up too, I asked who he was, saying the two of them probably knew each other. It turns out not only did they know each other, but had robbed houses together, and her evil stepbrother had been one of my friends for a while. Then I blurt out the reason I hate him now, because he raped one of my best friends. That's when the woman sitting next to her said "He's my son." Oh. Open mouth, insert foot...  
  In second grade, Trisha Bean threw up fruit cocktail in the classroom doorway.  It was the kind with the strange pinkish cherry halves in it.  
  immodium plus coffee equals matter plus antimatter   
  My 1 year old daughter can be really rude. The other day, she spat on an old lady in the supermarket. Then she pointed at a fat woman and shouted "fat, fat, FAAAATTTT!".   Maybe it's time for me to stop teaching her this stuff.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I ate some sashimi in Tokyo once, that made me itch all over, swell up like a balloon, and turn beet-red. I didn't notice the visual portion of the experience until I got up to take a piss in the middle of the night. I caught a look at myself in the mirror and then my girlfriend walked me to an all-night clinic where they gave me some benedryl in an IV. What a weird night...  
  My dad actually let me fire a gun in the house once.  I was 8 years old.  He had some plastic bullets with a low charge that they use to use for target practice, and he loaded it into a .38 special. then he put up some cushions in front of the glass storm door in the kitchen.  I hit the cushion dead center and it went through and shattered the window.  My mom was pissed at him.  I didn't get into any trouble...it was cool.  Had to be a redneck in the early seventies in North Charleston to get away with that...those days are long gone.  
  me and my boyfriend were sitting on my bed, and he had a boner...laughing, i said i know how to make that go away, then on accident i farted....that was not what i meant to do or say!!!  
  "If you're going out to get condoms-" she started. "And beer," I said, "I'm outta beer." One 'whatever' look later "-could you pick up cheesecloth too?" It's a good life.  
  Did you ever see those two redneck neighbors that were feuding and one of them smashed into the other's beat-to-shit car with his pickup and the guy ran down with his gun and the other one had a gun and they have a gunfight over the cars and one guy gets shot and the guy's dipshit wife is videotaping the whole thing? I wish I had a copy of that.  
  The Mormons are deep into geneology, so that they can posthoumously baptise people into the Mormon Faith.  I heard that a few years ago they baptised Hitler.  That might have been a little lapse in judgement there, guys.  
  one night, my friend came home with what he called 'superweed.' i never thought to ask him what made it so 'super,' being the true smoker i am. having broke my bubbler the night before, we made due with a pipe made outta an old pepsi can. true smokers.  whatever the fuck it was, an hour later i had a massive asthma attack and landed in the hospital with heart palpatations (going so fast it was skipping beats). as im being shocked with electrical pads, i swore to myself if i got outta this alive, i was never to smoke again.  i was smoking the next day.   lesson learned: always ask what you are smoking BEFORE you smoke someone elses weed. because they will NOT TELL YOU.  and never swear that your not gonna smoke again.  
  A week ago I wished aloud that I was slightly constipated so I could get some reading done while on the crapper.  Now it's a week later.  Be careful what you wish for. Yowza!  
  In the last 15 minutes I have seen two posts from guys who buy tampons for their chicks and can't understand why every other guy won't.  I'll seize the opportunity to explain.  Because deep down almost all chicks want a masculine guy with a backbone.  It measures into the level of respect they have for their men.  Asking them to buy tampons is a test of emasculation to see if their man is their equal or if he is their patsy.  That's why.  
  Boxing day, I'm rummaging through the remains of what is refered to as my "room". As I do this I come across an envelope that a certain aunt sent to me for Christmas. Reaching in a pulling the money out, then throw the card aside, so me finding that I have forgotten what I was looking for in my room proceed to seal the envelope by licking the seal.To my youthful delight I find it had quite the interesting taste and I continue to lick it all off...everyday is lowbrow from this point on.    
  Cardboard sign around the neck of a dirty homeless man- "Tell me off for a dollar." Classic. Second only to the United Negro Pizza Fund guy in front of Two Boots.    - mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com  --------------------------- just because you saw it on insomniac doesnt make it your moment damnit  
  The New Guy: What the--? Excuse me, but where am I?   Poolhall jerk: Jail.  Sadistic Neighbor: Actually, it's my old bedroom...  Lying bitch #2: Huh. I think it looks more like mine.  Landlady: This is where ALL the people who piss off Phoebe eventually end up. Your memory's now imprisoned inside her 'mental jailcell' along with the rest of us. "Welcome aboard", tsk...   Asshole Ex #1: So what are you in for?  The New Guy: How the fuck should *I* know?!  Mean Lab T.A.: Aw, c'mon man, you can tell US...  Landlady: Where were you right before you found yourself inside here, son?  New Guy: Walgreen's checkout, I think.  Bitch from old dorm: Oh, you must be the guy who cut ahead of her in line.  Dickhead former boss: You poor stupid bastard.  New Guy: Wha- That GIRL? She was a  *total* stranger--  Wouldbe rapist: Same here, pal.  New Guy: --and I was there first!  Fungushearted Cafe Creep: Not according to her, man, *YAWN!*  New Guy: Let me get this straight. Something I did pisses off some petty 5' bitch and now I'm stuck in a  jailcell that looks like a teenaged girl's bedroom and smells like summer's eve floral with everybody else who did the same? Forever?!  All: You got it!  Prick Bartender: Your memory is, anyway. And you're right. She can be one petty bitch.  New Guy: So whattya got to do to get out of here? I'm missing the game, for godsakes!  Idiot bank teller: You don't.  Roadrage swine: Don't even think about it, man.  New Guy: But--  Bitch Classmate #1: So now you've got a life sentence like the rest of us, asshole! So just settle down and shut UP!  (One hour later)  New Guy: Hey aren't you--  Fiona Apple: Yes it's me, so don't start.  New Guy: Let me guess. She hates your music, right?  Fiona: I don't want to talk about it.  New Guy: I don't blame you.          
  "That guy has to wake up every morning and say, '... Oh man... I'm still Carrot Top.'"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         On the bus, I saw a girl pop her boyfriend's zit for him.  SO GROSS! Popping your own zits is gross, but we all do it. Popping someone else's is grosser, but I know some people who do that for each other in PRIVACY, which is gross enough, but on the fucking city bus?!  She dropped her hat while getting off at their stop.  I kept my mouth shut.  Why should I help her out?    
  i was talking to blake about how intristing the airport is. "it's humanity at it's best." i said. "yeah," he said "leaving."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         for one summer when life was truly in shambles, my roommate and i neglected to buy toilet paper. i wiped my ass with pages from the phone book.  months later, while trying to look for a job, i realized that the "temp agencies" section of the yellow pages had been torn out.   dammit.    
  while in college, i saw a local frat boy passed out in the snow behind our house.  i took all the money out of his wallet.  then i called for an ambulance.  
  the phone bill came. talking to the boy is costing me dearly. i owe more to AT&T than i do in rent.   phone sex costs money.    
  a while bak, i was on this guy's garage roof.  we were playin manhunt, you all remember that game.  thas not important though.  wuts important is that the who's roof i was on was a cop.  so he catches me, and says all this bullshit about he dont want me gettin hurt, falling through his roof.  but thas not really important either  its about three monthes latter today, and im usin my friends clothes line as a slingshot, and one of the sides comes off.  now lucky for me, the side that came off was attached to a garage roof.  so i climb up there, hook the line back up, and see basketballs, baseballs and handballs up there.  as im headin towards one of them, i fall through the roof.  i wasent really scared, just amazed how a cop could be right for once.  about five minutes latter, i was happy to have a lowbrow moment.  god i love this site.  
  There was a girl who I had a crush on for about 2 years. One day I saw her in my history class with a neckbrace. And I visualized her trying to give a blowjob with that neckbrace on, and I actually laughed out loud.  I had this residual grin on my face, and we made eye contact, and had a brief moment of mutual understanding. It was like she could see straight through to my thoughts. She shook her head, grinning, and my face turned red as utter embarrassment set in and I sank into my seat.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After 7 days of no masturbating down here at the parents winter home I gave in. The coppertone I thought was tanning lotion ended up being sunless tanning lotion. Yeah, its brown now.  
  My wife and kids were out of town one weekend.  Late Saturday night after a 3 video marathon and a Pizza, I jerked off wiped off with a klennex and dozed off.  I got up in the middle of the night to piss.  I stumbled into the bathroom in the dark, flipped the lid and prepared to let go.    What happened next seemed like slow motion.  As I released my load, the pressure in my dick began to build.  My sphincter was open but nothing was coming out.  As visions of my exploding pecker flashed through my brain, I hit the lights and looked down to see a tiny bit of seemen soaked tissue, glued to the tip of my cock!  When the damm finally burst, I proceeded to spray myself in the face and soak down the entire contents of the linen shelf over the john!!  
  so a few days ago some friends and I decided to make pot brownies.  Someone suggests that we shouldn't use our whole ounce of sexy mexy (san diego style) but to use only half.  sounds good to me, but we end up getting stoned and cooking the whole ounce into 2 boxes of brownie mix in one pan.    being that i was hungry as all hell, i eat an 8th of the pan.  some friends eat 16th's.  about an hour later, i felt like i was fryin' nuts.   We were at my friend jackies house and her parents were home, but we did not come into contact with them.  Somewhere in the fadedness i gave some brownies to my jackies brother josh and his gf.  he's 23, and his gf is 21.  In about 1/2 hour we hear screaming from up stairs.  Jackie goes up to see what was happening, and it turns out that josh and his gf are flipping out saying that they are going to die.  The mother now knows about this and wants to take them to the hospital.  We convince her not to, it's just pot, they will be ok.  looking back now.  that was some funny shit, and i know now, to NEVER give josh any more drugs.  what a nerd    
  I used to wonder how middle-aged guys got to be so disgusting and stupid. Didn't they know that burping, farting and scratching themselves in front of women would never get them any.  The other day I took a mental snapshot of where I was. My hand was busy down the front of my pants scartching my testicles, I hadn't shaved for a week and my feet stunk to high heaven. Sitting not six feet away was a gorgeous blonde girl, beautiful enough to be a model. I was carrying on a conversation about business with her, completely unaware of what I must look like to her.  On the inside I'm suave.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         about ten minutes after firing off an email reply to a girl about The Significance Of The Weekend's Activities, I hear Outlook Express make its plaintive little dual-tone "message arrived" noise, and tab in to see what the latest development in this unfolding and significant conversation is.  subject line: "Transforming your rod into a monster"  god DAMN it I hate spam. >=\  
  After a whole lot of sex he was ready to go home.  He hugged me when he left.  I thought about how stupid that was.  And then I started to think about it, so many of them do that.  Why?    It's like, "Thanks for the meaningless sex, here's a meaningless hug to go with it."  I suppose it could have been worse...at least I've never gotten an after sex handshake.  
  So, I went into wal-mart the other day, and I buy a children's plastic toy that can be used as a bong, along with baking soda, vinegar, a pack of matches, some dog food, a cheese blintz, a wannabe porn mag, and some anal lube. Why did I do this? So I could see the look on that poor cashier's face when she rang it up. Ten dollars well spent.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         hey its from a movie...its still funny...  Bully: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"  Victim: "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast??"  
   My boss came out of the restroom straightening his tie. He walked past my desk and out of the corner of my eye I saw something waving at me. I looked at my boss's butt, and a 2 foot strip of toilet paper dangled from the top of his pants. Still, he carried himself with reasoned assurance.      
  quote in my truck with my best gal and my boy cal i am in heaven endquote        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         and always and forever are ice into my heart she said these when she meant after i finishing blowing all your friends        
  One time in high school a clerk turned his back on my friends so they stole an entire roll of scratch tickets from the counter. They drove really fast to other stores so they could cash them all before they were looking for them. The entire roll of over 500 tickets cashed out at less than $150.  Don't buy scratch tickets.  
  Speed readers will already know this joke isn't funny.  
  So, all of the customers have gone home, and I'm walking back into the store from checking over the carpark.  Expecting the automatic doors to open, I walk straight into them at a fast pace almost crippling myself as they did not open.  Luckily these doors were un-reliable and I had gotten into the habbit of putting my arm up to push the door open, so I didn't look *that* stupid to my co-workers.  But what makes this a lowbrow moment, you ask?  Well I still had the keys to the door in my hand, as I was the one who locked it not 5 minutes before.  
  At the time i thought  going to the airport wearing a shirt that said 'ladies sewing circle and terrorist society' was a good idea. I dont think the gaurds agreed with me.  
  watching girl on girl porn as another guy sucks my dick  talk about irony  
   I sat there in front of my computer trying to remember what it was I had intended to do. And then I remembered, I wanted to turn it off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  In a punchy mood jumping around telling everyone I have a "magical penny" I lick the penny and stick it to my forehead Then I think to myself Where has this penny been  
  Never trim the bougainvillea bushes in front of your house after returning from a night of indulging. Not only will you butcher them down to skeletons, the idea that the thorns can't catch on you if you strip down is just a big mistake.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm out in the Hamptons (Long Island - NY) my grand parents have been given ue of their accounts summer home for 2 weeks.  My family has never been to the Hamptons, we are not 'Hamptons' material.  Anyway, we arrive at the house early sunday, My grandparents aren't there (church), we head around back to the pool, my brother & I get in, my Dad cracks a beer from the cooler we brought.  I need to use the bathroom, so I exit the pool enter the back door (dripping wet)...wow that sounded bad...anyway...I notice 2 people sleeping on the couch..I don't know them...and they are naked.  this is the wrong house....  We all run like hell. I wonder what they thought of the wet footprints, crushed beer cans and dog poop.  Oh yea, my dog pooped on the deck.  I told you we weren't Hamptons material ~Braedan  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Overheard at the grocery store today:  Little Kid:  "Mom, today my teacher said that Indians gave us food when we came over to their land, is that true?"  Mom:  "Yes, then Whitey killed them all."    
  Items that Fatass (ex fianc  #3) broke because of his weight:  1) One of my just-bought lawn chairs 2) A camping, folding, sleeping cot (I also bought that) 3) One of the twin beds in his parents' home  I was not a participant in any of the above events.   
  It was the quote from my days in university that made me a legend:  "Buddy, go ahead and beat the fuck out of me for hitting on your girlfriend.  That doesn't matter.  No matter how badly you leave me you'll never get the picture of your girlfriend out of my mind while I jerk off to it tonight."  
  I woke up this morning and wondered to myself, how the fuck do I clean puke out of a shag carpet?  
  no funny stories, no plot twists, no amusing anecdotes...  saw a dude with a freakin' 2X4 for his front bumper.  
  I opened my beer and spilled it all over myself. I let loose with a "Goddamit!" that had people staring at me.  The girl I was with said, "God doesn't need a dam, he can walk on water."  I replied, "Not with those holes in his feet."  She didn't talk to me the rest of the night.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw a few posts about how much money people have invested in their porn collection.  So people with Internet access still pay for porn?  That's lowbrow on a whole other level.  
        i heard it as rectum questionmark damn near killd im exclam pt  
  I made a big batch of pot browniers last week to pass out to my house guests.  Feeling guilty I decided to tell them waht they really were.  I dont think many trick-or-treaters know what a pot brownie is.  
  reading all these moments is like standing next to a circle of bullies laughing about the plan to pick on the half retarded fat kid.  yeah it makes me laugh and the anticepation and knowledge of the oncoming onslaught is empowering, one never notices that they have been the half retarded fat kid... and everyone laughs at you too.  
  She looked at me incredulously,  "You're in a good mood cause you threw her out?"  "Yah well, you know how it is, in the beginning of a relationship. It's all happy go lucky, till she forgets to take her pills...."  
    I went into a mcdonald's and ordered a mcdouble special (96 cents) and a water.  The guy behind the counter gave me a pained look and said:  "that's all?"  I said yeah.  I was thinking:  if you don't want me to order it , then don't put it on the menu.  As far as I am concerned, the fast food joints contribute to that horrible eyesore we see all over:  the 400 lb person.  If I don't fall for their superduper sized traps (64 oz Coke.  Who really needs that.  Triple cheese burger with 3 strips of bacon and 3 tablespoons of mayo--who needs that?) too bad.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Yet Another Porn Store Story   Yup, "owned the company" again today.  
  Soooooooooooo is this the way it works? If you're not married, there must be something wrong with you. And you can't marry and/or have a family until you promise not to sleep with ANYBODY else, FOREVER, no matter how badly you want to, EXCEPT the person you're married to, whom you MUST have sex with whether you want to or not?  If you can't uphold this impossible rule, you get labeled and dumpted, and word will get around and nobody will want anything to do with you? And nobody's put it together why women get fat and frigid and men get limp, drunk and miserable?          
  females consistently fuck me in the figurative sense.  Never in the literal sense.  
  I didn't have anything to write with in my bag except one pastel. a bright pick pastel, in the bottom of my bag, half covered with black residue from who knows what else what in my bag. the teacher was passing out the tests. it was too late to ask for a pencil, he's the type of teacher that would have thrown me out of class if I'd asked for a pen that late. so out comes the pick pastel. I got 98.5% on that test. when I got back the test, it was just a smudge of pink and black ink. I tell you, that mark was the LAST thing I expected. I wanna be a teacher now so I can screw with kids minds too.  
  In some circles, I'm known for my projectile vomiting.  
    I saw him near the bushes in my neighbors' lush front yard. He was about as tall as I was, dressed colorfully with a long yellow beard.  Was he hiding from the grown-ups? They didn't seem to see him. Only I could, lucky me!   Completely enchanted, I approached him. He didn't run away, I thought, because he knew I was his friend...   Ah, you never forget your first Lawn Dwarf.       
  He petted the dog, and then--you know that scene in "There's Something About Mary" where the old woman & the dog lick each other's tounges?  Well, he did that. I watched with the same sick fascination that causes traffic jams around car accidents.  
  Every single time I look at the word "lowbrow,"  there is a tiny little part of my brain that repeatedly tries to rearrange the letters so it spells "blowjob."  I can't stop it.    I don't think I'd want to, actually.  That's the part of my brain that keeps me interested in staying alive.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am tired of all these women with there emotions holding there feelings out for all us guys to see as they try to shame us into loving them with there fake lips and hair extentions and those god awful cutoff pants that go up half way there socker mom "PC" aditudes thinking that just because thay drive SUVs and mini-vans there lives are complete just because there husbands can get a free pack of batteries from the Radio Shack i work at.    If you know me pity me otherwise send me some e-mail  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I know no one will believe me, but my mom flashes my friends. She's in her 40's and has had three children....  We're both in a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast, and whenever she plays the criminologist, she bares her breasts to the entire audience, every single time....  And you think your parents are embarrassing.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've never been a morning person.  Ever.  The fact that I'd try to savor every last moment of a day by staying up late didn't help my situation in the mornings, either; so having to wakeup at 7 AM as a kid who doesn't sleep easy and hates waking up to begin with can leave one a tad bit disoriented.  So, I was about 8 or so.  I wake up one morning, completely groggy and not knowing what the hell was going on.  Newborns probably had a better idea of what they were doing than I did at the time.  "I have to take a crap" I thought to myself.  So I walk across the hall into the bathroom.  Standing in my underwear I glanced at the toilet, then the sink, then the tub, then back at the toilet.  I was still confused.  So, I took off my underwear, spread my legs a bit and let a log fall right onto the floor.  I came back to my senses about the same time I heard a nice little *splat*.  Hey, I was a kid, give me a break!  My poor dad had to clean it up.  
  tonight i had wine from 1796. i kid you not. bottled in 1796. over 200 years old.  and an 85 dollar cigar.  if i'm going to be a drunk, at least i won't be a cheap drunk...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was different from all of the other children at school.  I had a sasquatch for a mother.  She was just like any other mother except when it came to playing with the other reindeer games.  The reindeer used to laugh and call me names.  That's when Santa came to say.  Brian with your velcro nike's so bright, won't you rob the liquor store with me tonight.   Uncle Santa wasn't that bright.  He was killed in the prison laundry four years later while taking in a load.           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i thought the sickening amount of bourbon would make his abrasive voice less metal on glass blending into the mild din that began to swim around me it gave his voice larger pirranha teeth i droped my glass so i wouldnt smash it into his face        
  Kelly was my first girlfriend. Her family weren't holy rollers or anything, but every Sunday the Youngs would all attend services at the Community Church.  For her confirmation, Kelly received a white bible with a white leatherette cover engraved with her initials in gold:  K.Y.   
  I just dropped my eggroll. It rolled under the desk, and was a little difficult to reach. "Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Fuck!" I muttered as I scrabbled to pick it up. Gotta abide by the 10 second rule, man.  
   It Depends On What The Meaning Of "Is" Is  I (Limbo) post here far too often, so I'm going to restrict myself to only purely LowBrow moments from now on (sound of collective cheering...) However, there are still lots of them :-) This is purely LowBrow, and truly humiliating, so bear with me (yup, it's long). I often say "I've never cheated, never will." That's true nowadays, but in my earlier days that was only true depending on the meaning of the word "cheat." Like when Bill Clinton was asked outright if he'd ever had sex with Monica, he said: "Define 'sex'." Married four months, my wife doesn't want to go down to the pub for a pint tonight, but our roommate (Hi, Pat Diprose!) does. We play darts, and I think she must be getting very tipsy, because she keeps bumping into me and losing her balance and leaning against me. One pint turns into six, as usual, our dart playing goes down the drain, and we lose control of the board. We have one last pint and walk to my van*. She's not very steady on her feet, so I put my arm around to help her. She leans right into me, tight, and it slowly enters my stupid young mind that she's  coming on to me . Duh. We get in the front seats, and I bravely lean over to kiss her. That's the end of that pretense -- she grabs me, hauls me into the back, and attacks me. I have no problem with this at all. Quite the opposite. Pat is a neat skinny hippy-dippy who I like, but this isn't Pat -- this is some sweaty, clawing animal like I've never seen before. Yum. Women in Britain at that time are mostly passive, so this is somewhat new. Clothes go flying everywhere and she fairly hauls me on top of her, breathlessly insisting. Neat. Just the ticket. Eh -- there's a condition that's called "Brewer's Droop" in Britain. I'm not sure what it's called in America, but you no doubt get my drift. I am horny as hell, but it's like trying to push a piece of string. Pat is getting desperate, spreading herself as wide as she can and trying to stop bucking long enough that I can get it in. I finally reach down and squeeze willie like a toothpaste tube, and he slips inside, wonderful. She immediately goes nuts, and he slips out again. Repeat that several times and then I lie down exhausted. Pat: "It's MY fault! I'm just not attractive!" I assure her that the problem is not her, but the beer. We try again and have some success (I still remember what it felt like to be inside her, dammit), but then he plops out again. These days, willie usually hates me, because I won't do what he wants, but I sure hated willie that night. Blue balls and flaccid penis -- what a goddam combination. There's still the problem of the animal beside me, so I take care of her the only way I know (we literally didn't know about oral sex, believe it or not!) Six months later, One morning I'm driving Pat somewhere, and she gets flirtatious. I turn off the main road. Pat, at ease: "Where are we going?" I turn into a gravel pit I know, park, and lunge at her. Pat: "Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't really mean it!" Damn. Fast forward a year, and my wife and I are walking down a street in Port Washington on Lawn Gisland, and she says: "I felt sorry for Pat when we lived with her. She never had a boyfriend all that time. Must have been tough." Me: "Eh, well, that's not quite true..." I'm far too honest, sometimes.  ---------------- *A 1971 ex-Post Office Morris 1000 van, long beloved in Britain and still affectionately known as a "Moggie."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once as a VERY small child I was terribly constipated.  My mother was having some friends over downstairs, and so had left me upstairs to entertain myself.  At the time, I fancied myself quite the artist, and so I decided to draw dear ol' mum a picture.  Being young still, and not understanding that somethings are best left unsaid (or unillustrated), I drew her an elaborate picture of little me on the toilet, pants around my ankles, teeth gritted, constipated and starining away.  Actually, I remember it being quite a good drawing, and I was rather proud of it at the time.  It was so good, infact, that it took me quite a long time to figure out why mom wouldn't show all her friends when I brought it downstairs to show to her.  At the time, I was quite insulted.  
  She said "All you do is think with your dick".  I said "So how about blowing my mind sometime?"     
  I could tell my date was so impressed and thought he was getting a sure thing that after I got home and invited him in I immediately changed into something "more comfortable".  Little did he know I had to change.  I drank too much beer and when his jeep hit the pot hole I peed my pants.  By the way he didn't get any.  
  Thinking about actually getting a job, just so I'll have a whole new bunch of people to hate.  
  my mom's favorite answer to the persistent, nagging whine of "i'm bored!!  what can i do??" during my grade school years was "shit and fall back in  it."  
  Went to Vegas for the first time as an adult. That is if 20 yrs. old is an adult. I was with some friends and we were walking around downtown by the old "Strip". They had overhead speakers play an N'Sync song. In the middle of a crowd of people there was a bum dancing much like a teen pop star, but sedated. I dropped him a dollar for giving me a laugh. I don't even think he noticed...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Somewhere there is a man that actually understands women.   I cannot prove this, but it comforts me to think that he is out there somewhere.  Probably getting laid.  
  In my bag, I keep tools for my bicycle. I rode to the courthouse to get a criminal background check and the closest area I could lock the bike up was a five minute's walk away. I needed the check done fast, because I was due at an interview in fifteen minutes.  I drop my bag on the x-ray belt and it goes through okay. I'm headed for the elevator and they call me back.  "Wait, sir. Is that a screwdriver?"  It is.  "You can't take that in there."  Right. Can you hold it for me out here?  "If we do, it becomes property of the city and I can't legally give it back to you."  Can I just stick it somewhere outside?  "It's not allowed on city property."  I don't have time for this. Just take the fucking screwdriver.  She's probably at home right now, tightening screws and cackling.  Bitch.  
  we were talking on the phone one time when her mom asked who she was talking to.  "chris." she answered. "who's chris?" asked her mom "a friend." she replied I knew then that i was sunk.  
  When I knew the marriage was over...  I said, "I'm going to WalMart to pick up a few things." Eight hours later, I'd get back home.  I just drove; that's all; just to be alone.  
  My twin sister has, and always will be, my best friend in the entire world who I would do absolutely anything for. Including dancing around the bedroom at the age of 7 with flowered underwear on my head just to have her tears turn into laughter.   
  I woke up and thought to myself. "You really do love Holly."  then i thought.  "you really need to go to the bathroom."  but the first parts the more important.  
  When she said "WHOA, WRONG HOLE!!" I thought she must have been mistaken because it was starting to go in... so I kept going.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            In spanish class i look over to the girl sitting next to me.  She was popping pimples.  I try not to notice, but the she pops some on her chest.  I look away disgusted, and when i looked back i saw her licking her lips.   No wonder why they call her iron face.  
  You fuck us up. And then you have the nerve to say we have "issues". Thanks, thanks a lot.  
  The idyllic scene of the sea breezes gently rocking her in the hammock was suddenly shattered with perfect comedic timing as a coconut landed directly on her head with an audible  * THUNK *  Turns out it's not that funny in real life. The fucking things are really heavy and have a jagged woody husk around them. She needed reconstructive surgery.  
  dingdong  murmurmurmur dingdong  murmurmurmur dingdong  murmurmurmur she sat slumped in the couch not answering the door and watching tv with the volume as low as it goes before muting let the little fuckers buy their own candy she snorted happy halloween my ass       
  Then my cousin told us that his pubic hair had a "hint of red to it."  I slapped my hand against my forehead, disgusted. Dropped my cards all over the table.  That fucker sure knows how to win at Hearts.  
  once i ate so many mushrooms i puked. then laid on the floor and saw myself curled up in a giant neon mushroom. shortly there after i melted through the floor and found myself in the dirt.  how in the world does my brain still work?  
  Last night, a guy I have been dating for a month gave me somewhere between 6 and 10 shots of tequila, then had the nerve to be surprised and uneasy when I told him I loved him while he had sex with me for the first time.  Relax.  I didn't mean it.  Ok, I did, but you have no way of knowing that.  
  She was beautiful, totally hot, I looked at her with lust. I wanted her. To my surprise she wanted me too. We went from the bar to my hotel room, I asked if she would like a drink? Yes she said. As I poured the drinks she came over to me and put her arms around me and her hands went right to my crotch. I turned and kissed her. We drank our drinks fast and headed for the bed. I told her I wanted to eat her and she moaned with pleaser, she hiked up her dress and removed her silk panties to reveal a large penis. I didn't know what to do, he/she said whats the matter it's just skin baby. What could I do? Now we meet every friday.  
  Do your pets know what your doing when they see you masturbate?  
  For all of you non-NoCal surfers, there's a small tradition of NoCal campers to yell the name "Elmer!" at the top of their lungs around dusk.  We the enlightened hate all of this and often plot messy revenges upon the subhumans after dark but never take action.  To all of you - take heart!  Last Saturday I was camping in Pinecrest, CA - north of Sonora in the Gold Country.  The kids were yelling it off and on, I'd scream stuff back at them...made no difference.  I see a kid limping along to the bathroom, really bad limping.  I'm curious, so I keep my eye out and sure enough, here he comes back out again.  I'm standing there listening to him gasp and grimace and limp and I stop him and say "Hey, you alright?"  and he's like  "No, I'm fine."  We go back and forth and I tell him, "Look, you're going to hurt it worse walking on it.  Sit down and I'll get your folks."  He sits down, I ask him what happened.  Turns out, he was running around in the dark sans flashlight yelling "Elmer!" when he ran smack into a garbage can.  Some kids were by, got their folks, got his folks.  His mom was an EMT and was none too gentle palpitating his foot for injuries.  He didn't want to scream because of the girls, but it must've hurt like hell.  Nobody laughed at him, but he was embarrassed as much as he deserved for doing something so dumb.  Moral of the story:  God hates hearing "Elmer!" as much as we do.  Yell it and bad things will happen.  
  The other day, I was watching TV with one of my housemates, while the other was in his bedroom with his girlfriend.  I'd overheard them having sex before, but this was amazing. She was screaming for hours.   When they finally came out, we gave them a standing ovation. It was the least we could do for entertaining us so much.  
  Last night, I called my mom white trash, because: 1. My brother wants a tattoo. 2. My brother is 17 and a sophomore in high school with a court date soon for battery. 3. My mother took my brother to a tattoo parlor to help him pick one out. 4. She is willling to sign a parental consent form so he doesnt have to wait for two months (his 18th birthday). 5. She is willing to pay for it (my brother doesn't have a job). 6. She wants to get one too.  How was I born into that family?  
   I land in Denver, hit the terminal, and a woman approaches me:  Her: Excuse me, are you waiting for someone? Me: Yes, I am. Her: Is your name John? Me: No, it isn't. Her: Oh, I'm sorry. I was supposed to be picking up my daughter's boyfriend, and I have never met him. Me: What does your daughter look like?    
  I can hear people in the kitchen laughing, and my skirt is unzipped. He's  throwing papers off the desk and scrambling through the drawers. "What, is this guy a monk?!" The door opens.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  so, today i went to lunch with some friend at a deli filled with business people and old people.  we had a nice lunch and i enjoyed the conversation.  while i was walking out to my car, it felt like i had sat in something wet.  i reached around to feel my pants, but i was grabbing bare ass.  turns out, i put on an old pair of jeans today which had almost the entire right cheek missing.  this, coupled with the fact that i don't wear underwear created a very lowbrow moment.  if you think about it, there was lowbrow all around.  lowbrow for the next person who sits in the booth, lowbrow for my ass because of the people who sat there before me, and lowbrow for everybody who wanted to have a nice, relaxing lunch, but instead was treated to an unobstructed view of my hairy, white ass.  needless to say, i went home and cleaned my ass.  then i whacked off, cause i'm unemployed and that's what i do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So waking up hungover yesterday morning after going to bed when he was already light out next to someone I'd only slept with so I could go to sleep without his hand down my pants was not a refreshing feeling. Neither was driving two hours back to school with nothing but that to think about. However, I came up with what I think is a brilliant justification for my sluttiness. He was so happy when we woke up that he'd had such a good night and woke up with me, it was almost heartwarming.  It occurred to me that I had done a really good deed.  I'm like a superhero or something.  Bringing sex to needy losers. How's that for the giving spirit of the holidays?  
   BARFLY   i used to think 'barfly' was pronounced 'barf-lee' like, slovenly or comely.  that movie with mickey rourque (sp?) - always thought the slang for drunks was barf-lee.  the definition of which id beleived meant something like 'quite prone to barfing'.  recently i was straightened out on this pronunciation but i must admit it neither shed light nor heat on the situation.   i think my take was more than adequate all along.   ODIN ON THE ROCKS  
  I have a friend who once told me that if he could suck himself off that he would never leave the house, as the whole point to leaving the house was to find someone who could do it for him.   He also told me that he wished it was socially acceptable for men to wear skirts - easier access to himself.   I slept with him anyway.  
  I'm 17 before I get my permit. My brother takes me out to some back roads to drive. (this is about 2 hours after I get my permit) Piece of cake. Then we're going home. We live on a lil' road off the highway. Driving on the highway is no biggy either. Before we get home he thinks we should go get some ice cream from this gas station down the road. So I pull in. I've never parked before but hey I've done good so far so I think I'll park next to this car. So I pull in. I'm cutting it way to wide. Did I mention I'm slightly dislexic? I go to hit the brake. Hit the gas instead. I'm driving my rents car which is a V6. I hit this guys car (he's also IN the car) and with my foot still on the gas I drive INTO the gas station! Right into the kitchen area. Some guy cooking gets like a second degree burn on his leg. Has to go to the hospital. Cops come. All that good shit. Def one of the low points in my life. I really didn't like driving to much after that. Guess thats why I'm not to terribly broken up about getting a DWI and not being able to drive till I'm 21. Bu that's another story. Keep Clicking...  
  when i was a little kid i used to take everything apart - screws, engines, bits of plastic: everywhere. that's how it stayed - i could never get them back together again.  good thing i didn't end up a doctor.  
  I used to deliver balloons and singing telegrams, in a variety of costumes. It's disturbing to remember I got hit on a lot more often wearing the Strawberry Shortcake costume than I did in the Playboy bunny outfit. I think it means I make a better cartoon fuck than a realistic one.   
  I waited two long hours for my wife to fall asleep before I crept quietly out of bed and down to the kitchen to secretly eat the last pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Phood. It wasn't unitll I was out of the kitchen and out in the backyard that I found out my wife had secretly beat me to it, and had sucked out all of the little chocolate fishes, and spit all the ice cream back into the pint container.        
  when i was a kid(9 or 10) i overheard my parents talking about a peeping tom in the neighborhood. at first i didn't know what they were talking about. then i realized that they were talking about me and the things i did when i sneaked out at night. i was lucky that i wasen't caught, the neighbors were planning some pretty nasty things.  
  Lotta my friends do drugs.  I don't.  They always ask me why, and I usually tell them I have too many good examples of why NOT to.    What they never hear are what exactly those good examples are.  Like, for instance, a friend of mine pressuring me to smoke pot with him one afternooon.  I ask him why he thinks the risk (and yes, you brainless fried morons, there are risks) is worth it... and his only reply is "it brings you new places in life."  This after telling me he stayed up to 4am watching All In The Family re-runs naked on his couch while smoking all his left over resin out of a coke can.    Going places.  Right.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.  While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.  I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.  Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."  "Yes?"  "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client.  Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"  "Sure."  I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.  About ten minutes later, my client showed up.  We ordered a drink and started to talk business.  A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Bill Gates.  "Hi, Ray," he said.  I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."   
  I could go to the ER right now and get admitted just for my high blood pressure alone.  Never mind the fact that I'm mad as a fucking hornet.  Got a vasectomy at the age of 29 because 3 kids were enough (& did a damn good job of raising them), and now find out my wife is pregnant and has been fucking my best friend for over a year.  I'm 40 years old now and that is too old for this bullshit. A couple of days on the psych ward sounds like a damn good idea right now.  Stay tuned....  
        bleary eyed at 5am in the Mandalay Bay in Vegas after the Summer of Love tecno music rave and too much exstacy party....debating whether to drive back to the hotel in downtown vegas or go to the Ra after hours dancing and more drugs til noon.....  My date was in a stupor and looking pretty and sexy...making the hotel sound about right....but my condition meant sure failure and possible explosions should I dare to drive....  then I remembered I was a certified and licensed helicopter pilot with over 10 hours of solo flight experience....that solved everything  
  if i ever have a daughter i will call her SmartChopper, the product from my favorite info-mercial...   
  it was on the redeye from vegas to new york where i noticed a woman, frosted hair being drawn back from her face by french-manicured nails, reading a well-worn bodice-ripper. she noticed my glance. "sweetie," she said. "you don't look so good. wanna mint?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  peter peter peter the bike with no seat and the overtheatrical expansion of the distance are hardly worthy of your wit and do not do you justice although as you know  its got that certain kid swinging the golf club and dad takes it in the groin on home video sorta snorty giggle thing going for it alright its not as bad as i thought and im far more judgmental than id like to be sorry         
  She gets up, heads to the bathroom to wash up.  I'm still in bed and inspect my retreating dick.    Something's on it.    Is it uterine sloughage?  Nope.  It's a well-attached tick.  You go, sex rodeo tick!!!!  
  Who will Kid Rock be when he's 37, Middle Aged Rock? 67, Elderley Rock,? and finally, Dead Rock.  
  Spam hits the wall.  Slowly, slowly dripping.  My haiku fails miserably.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love ice cream.  My favorite flavor of all time would be "Chocolate cherry mocha fudge chunk vanilla bean buttsex."   
  Back in the days of my bittersweet teenage angst, when all we had was pay-per-view porn, I used to order it on the down low and tape it. Like it was an investment that I wanted to prolong. Like I was beating the system. (Pun not intended.)  To throw off my parent's suspicion in case they ever found the tapes, I needed to come up with a secret labelling system.   Using my superior powers of cleverness I labeled the tapes as such:  "A Study of Social Values in Western Culture, Vol. X"  I'm so clever.  God bless the Internet. I still use that system.  Now for the obligatory moment of paranoia.  I hope no one reading this ever comes across any of my porn. (Pun not intended).  The secret of my wonderful system is out.  My cover is blown.  Porn not intended.  
  I was with my family in Cambridge, UK. I had thai food for launch. At about 4 in the afternoon, I was really in the need of a bathroom. There was this little cofee house, with one person only and shut the door bathrooms. In front of me was a handicaped men. He locked himself in the mens room, I shit my pants, get in the ladies room, cleaned myself, shitting mostly all the bathroom, while concerned ladies asked me if I was OK, asumming I was a girl.   
  There I was, in a hotel bar, at a table with a middle-aged guy I'd just met and his middle-aged coworkers.  He got in a bleak mood and related the story of worst thing that had ever happened to him: the time he frantically drove to the hospital, his already-dead nine-month-old son in his arms.  The whole time, I was valiantly trying not to smirk -- which is my usual defense mechanism against raw bursts of human emotion.  I tried to avoid feeling detached from the situation, tried to conjure up some empathy.  All I could do was sit there, listen, and keep a poker face.  "That," he said, wrapping up his merry anecdote, "was fucking shitty."  I bought him another beer.  It was the least I could do.  
  My lowbrow moment includes your mom, a inflatible mattress, and her quaking like a goose all night. Quak quak uak. Like a goose. She so nasty.       
  Once I tried to make quiche out of a rubber band and some sandwich bags. It didnt work. Martha Stewart lied.  
  After each round of shots, we each told the others in the group something that they've never told anyone before.  On the 7th round, she looked at us and said, "Ya'll...sometimes I forget to breath."  
   Fun In Court #2  Sitting next to a nervous young latino who was whispering frantically with his court-appointed lawyer. A well-appointed lady with an enormous ass, wearing a white summer dress, walked up front to talk to the DA.  The nervous guy and I both watched her go by, then I quietly said: "Like watching two hogs fighting under a blanket..." That ended his whispered conversation for a while. Later, I was taking a cigarette break outside when his lawyer and he came out. His lawyer was one of those enormous florid guys with red faces who look like they'll die any second. I'd never seen him before. He nodded politely to me. When his client walked by, I said loudly: "Is  that  your lawyer? Ooh, man, are you ever in trouble..."  
  I have no clue what my IQ is, Im 16, had sex with a bunch of guys, including a few 3 way relationships that went nowhere fast, my SAT score was 1530, and my average in school is a 98.5, Dont tell me being smart takes away the ability to get laid, thats just stupid.  
  the tow truck driver says 'hey can i just stop for some eats?'  sure i said.  2 litres of mountain dew, 1 bag of ranch doritos and 1 bag of barbecue chips.  his dinner.  a whole generation.  defending their shitty ass rotten teeth.  pass the mountain dew dumbass.  
  Cum? Yeah right.  Try "Scrotum Glue"  Case in point:  I didn't have time to fully whip down my pants and tighty whities to rub one out to this perfect porno picture.  Instead, I decided to try masturbating through the cloth.   Well anyways, eventually the golden moment arrived and I felt a jet of warm cum surround my balls.  Not having time to go to the bathroom and the not-unpleasent sensation of having lubricated balls swishing around inside thight underwear made me decide to not clean up afterwards.  When I got home, I finally felt the need to go to the bathroom.  When I got to the toilet, I started to pull down my underwear.  OUCH!  Fucking hell.  The cum seemed to have fused to my balls and I had to endure much pain.  The most pain came when I was "unpeeling" the bottom of my cock from my balls.  Ahh well.  Now I know why chicks hate getting it in their hair.  More importantly, I now clean up after "discreet masturbation sessions".  
  It was at school where I was in Advisement, a 1 hour and a half break/worktime for all the students. I was walking around, trying to find a fake friend, just someone to talk to for a second. Then I walked over to this group of girls.  I was unaware that my fly had been undone for the whole period. One of the girls pointed it out to me while "it" was hanging out.  Sounds embarrasing, but at least I didn't get it caught when I fixed the problem.   
  tried to pick up a quarter glued to the ground today.  screamed in rage and kicked a potted plant nearby.  heard snickering coming from somewhere to my left.  heaved the plant in that direction and ran.  
  so back in high school,  me an' like 4 buddys were driving around doing the useall getting high-looking for trouble kinda shit.   well i was riding shotgun and we were going about 60 or 70 mph. mike in the back seat just ate a banana and through the peel at me.  i was getting ready to hop back there and stuff it down his throat when i seen a guy walking down the the side.  so i chucked it at him.  i never thought a banana peel could lay someone out like that.     
  A nameless jewel (stink wheels?) of redneck retribution from Jason:    Catch some junk fish - pan fish or dace what have you and put and snap them inside your targets hubcaps.    They tumble and get all broken up and rotten and the smell is just everywhere.  Its bad enough when the owner discovers the source but even worse when he (she) finally pops them off.    If not fish then earthworms.  Have you ever fucking  smelled   rotten earthworms?!   
  let it be known that i have an unhealthy obssetion with jennifer jason leigh.and i just bought fast times at ridgemont high. my dick hurts.  
  two incidents of lowbrow urination while visiting friends this weekend:  after stepping out of the shower one morning, i spread my legs in front of the toilet, preparing for a relaxing hands free piss, only to discover i have already put my underwear on.  later that night, very drunk and in the stall of the men's room, i switch mid-stream from pissing in the toilet to pissing on the tank and the walls, just because it is more satisfying to piss against a solid object.  
  I just read this moment from someone talking about the degradation of America and all this shit.  He then goes on to say he reads lowbrow because it makes him feel better about himself for various reasons such as the fact that he's never done anything embarrassing in his life and that he doesn't know anyone as stupid as the people who post here.  You haughty motherfucker.  I hope some lowbrow addict finds your car, keys the hell out of it, puts sugar in the gas tank, and slashes the tires.  Or I hope they find your toothbrush. And IQ has nothing to do with posting on lowbrow because we all know you've done some of the same shit yourself, you lying pretentious scumbag.  (Damn, this would be so much better if I wasn t a chicken shit and would put my real address.  Oh well, I ll be self-righteous anyway)   
  im one of those "weird people"  my favorite store is the salvation army.  last time i was there, i headed for the dressing room, arms full of clothes to try on, and noticed the following sign:  (for reference, if you've never been in a SA dressing room, they consist of a mirror and a chair. thats it.)  "THIS IS A DRESSING ROOM. NOT A BATHROOM. IF WE CATCH PEOPLE USING IT LIKE A BATHROOM AGAIN, IT WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD."  ..................and I'M the weirdo?  
  just sitting here wondering that if i was lying naked on my stomach, with a video camera aimed at my butt cheeks, and I farted, would you see the blast wave ripple across them?  would there be cool interference patterns?  bet it would look pretty neat in slo-mo...        
  i was sixteen and she was eighteen and she was too drunk to drive the family wagon and asked if i would sure said i in a bag meself sideways down the expansive lawn tires burning off a few thousand miles when i finally hit the street  i flew home at the speed of light she thanked me orally in her parents driveway and i walked seven miles home with the biggest shiteatinggrin these days all the above spells jailtime and fines up the wazoo         
  i was so drunk, i never should have left my dorm. but i did. and when i got to her room i drank some more. we were both utterly trashed, sitting on her bed and laughing at our states of inebriation.  she asked me, "are you straight?" i looked over in her direction, i couldn't quite focus on her face, but i managed to say "yes, i am. sorry honey!"   
  I have a great friend who absolutely reeks of lowbrow.  Dave and I always say 'man Jason could write shit that really happened to him for days.'  Last night he told us about the time when he lived in Chicago - apparently a cat crawled up into a warm engine and was killed when the owner started it this next a.m.  Said owner then left it for a while not knowing what to do and Jason ended up picking the frozen pieces of cat out of the engine and belts and shit with a fucking screwdriver.  Must teach that boy to type.  
  I was sitting at a shitty diner when Jon slid two quarters up my skirt and put them at the bottom of my underwear.  I kept them in there for an hour or two as I talked to the bitch across the table.  An hour had passed, so I pulled them out of my thong and dropped both into her Coke as she unknowingly nuzzled the speechless stoner sitting next to her.  As we slid out of the table, I grabbed any available soda and took a swig, promptly having a quarter damn near lodged down my throat and several coughing fits.   Karma.  
  I watched a woman pull a MetroCard out of her jeans pocket and a folded $20 bill fell by her shoe.  I was about to say, "Hey!  You dropped your money!" when the gangsterly-looking young man behind her stepped on it.  He waited for her to pass the turnstile before picking it up.  Later I saw them both on the train platform.  He was eating a big bag of cheese doodles.  Did the universe think he needed that $20 more than she did?  Or was I just another chickenshit, afraid of getting involved?  
  fri. nite girls nite out, lots of tequila, lots of drinks. we found a cell phone in the bathroom.  went outside and prank called some guy like 30 times. he was pissed, but i can only imagine the reaction from the phone owner when they recieve their bill. complete with millions of calls to far away places.        
  I once worked at a fire hydrant company where we made fire hydrant's and it sucked because we had to park like three miles away.        
  i met my fifth grade teacher in front of the fish market looking exactly as she had a million years ago dressed in the same sort of low keyed brown habit from the olden days sister eileen i exclaimed literally scared for some yet unacknowleged wrong i must have committed we chatted amicably i was walking away and she said im glad to see youve straightened your act out damned nazi penquins crawling around in my head to this day maybe i can sue        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at a party. and i had eaten a mexican style. i took a dump that literally stunk up the whole house. it was a 2 story house. and i shat in the basement. i don't know if the house had paper walls or really good circulation vents, but my shit that took three flushes for the toilet to swallow literally stunk up 2 stories and a basement.  i will never eat mexican style pizza again  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         whatdo you suppose a girl thinks when she hugs a guy who has/gets an erection? i mean, damn. its not as if its that unnoticable. and if its 'just a friend'?     fuck.  
  I was thinking the other day about how much it sucked ass to be lactose-intolerant because I love dairy products so much. Well, then I got to thinking that maybe I'm just one of the few lucky people to be evolving in a world where there hasn't really been much evolution for at least 300 years. What with all the chemically enhanced foods that are sold around the world, there is no more use for real products like cheese, milk, and sour cream. I suppose it's the same deal as our appendix which we no longer need, unless you eat grass and plants on a regular basis. Being lactose-intolerant may just be another step up the evolutionary ladder.  
   it brings me back to my childhood days in a Nazi town, i was a little jewish girl, running from a life that was without beer and weed and sex and of course midget porn, oh yeah and those little umbrellas that you put in mixed drinks   Gast918: oh shit        
  if you ever find yourself in northern minnesota, wasted, in the woods, in the middle of the night without a flashlight, searching for a friend who has gone off looking for the *wizard of oz* in a delusional half-high, half-drunk state, and you find yourself calling her "dorothy" just to get her to come back to the cabin,  trust me, it's lowbrow.    
  Cooks in restaraunts have what's called "the 5 second rule".....  If you drop someone's food on the floor and pick it up before 5 seconds are up, it's OK to send it out.  Sometimes you wipe it off first.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot piiiiieeeee.  
  The recent addition of raisins to much lunch has created many a joke.  Today:  Cyrano, sitting across from me, snags some of the left over raisins and throws them at Pornstar, who's next to me. I suggest he randomly chuck one acrosss the room for couple yucks.  He throws one carelessly over his shoulder.  I follow the trajectory, but the sound of a girl screaming reaches me first.  "OH my god! What the hell just went between my boobs!"  I had to hold in laughing for 2 minutes.  But somehow a raisin in the cleavage strikes you funny.  Especially when they scream expletives about how they've just been sexually molested by a shriveled grape.  
  One day, I left my car unlocked, parked behind the building where I work. When I got home that night, I realized I couldn't find my backpack, and was sure I left it at school. Got to school the next morning, and I couldn't find it there, either. Hmmm.  Turns out someone had stolen my backpack while I was working. It contained a cell phone, a nice graphing calculator, a few bucks, a couple text books, and my flute. A few days later, I went to the police station to report the theft, and as I was listing off the items I had lost, they stopped me at the flute.  "Do you happen to have the seriel number?" they ask me.  "Sure do," I say, and proceed to give it to them.   They then go into the evidence room and return with my flute. Turns out it was recovered in a raid on a crack house earlier that day, and they were fairly certain it didn't belong to the crack dealer.  Well, they had to keep it for evidence for a trial for a bit, but I was happy it was recovered. I asked about my acutal backpack, with the cell phone and calculator, but there was no sign of it. I figured they must have sold those.  Later that year, my friend's down near the river behind my workplace, and finds my backpack caught on a rock. Inside is my cell phone, my calculator, and all the money.  Why, why I ask, is it a good idea to throw untrackable, easily resellable things into the river, and keep an old, tarnished, nickle-plated piece of crap flute that has a unique serial number I was sure to know?  Crack dealers suck.  But at least I'm the only guy in band with a crack flute.  
  Wouldn't you think that after seeing countless women naked and being up close and personal with their genitalia, that I would get less of a thrill from seeing up a girl's dress?  Nope.  
  My wife gave me a really good blowjob last week and even let me eat her out while she was sucking me off, she's normally not into the 69. I was feeling pretty good when I made the mistake of telling my wife that she is the anti girl after sex. She wants no holding, no kissing, no nothing. She sits there for a minute or two then leaps out of bed to the bathroom for a quick clean up then it's on to other things. To this she says "Sex really doesn't do anything for me, and sometimes it hurts. But I'm glad it does something for you." ouch, can't get that out of my mind, haven't even thought about having sex with her once since. But my ex keeps running through my mind, now she was an animal. Fuck off to all who immediately think that if I were doing it right or were more attentive she and would like it. My wife just doesn't care if she has sex ever. She thinks foreplay takes too long and she will occasionally admit that it feels good if I eat her pussy.  
  them "cut your damn hair. you look like a sissy." me "i like my hair this long. leave me the hell alone." them "god damn it cut your hair. me "fine" *goes gets haircut* them "why the hell did you cut your hair. we liked it long." me "i hope you die."  
  It really bothers me that I can't see the duckies' eyes.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother and I had been sitting in the library-procrastinating on some term papers.   All of a sudden out of complete bordom he started to drool all over himself, slurring my name, and cunvulsing himslef out of the chair rolling across the floor.  He landed right in the middle of "story time" amidst a screaming mass of little kids. I have never seen so many tiny tramatized faces in my life and our visit was cut extremly short by the librians swelling blood red face.  I still can't remeber what she said.      
  After the pub closed and the usual bunch of really drunk people who hadn't had the good sense to leave earlier with someone were standing around outside trying to work out if there was some sort of party they could go to and get more booze....A friend of mine pulled out a tiny little pipe.  So we filled it up and were passing it around, we passed it to a particularly drunk friend of ours.  He proceeded to blow on the pipe and send little rockets of chronic into the air, it was like a little fireworks display.  It was only then I noticed the two police vans and a police car parked on the otherside of the road watching us.  
  Well, whaddya know? Last night, I hear a story about a friend of a friend involving  KY jelly  and a region in the  Bible  Belt. And it's a lowbrow moment, too:  This girl works at a grocery store, and one evening some guy asks her if they have KY jelly.  And she says, "Kentucky Jelly? Is that a brand like Smuckers?"  
  I stopped taking my birth control pills.  The following week, I was taking a shower one morning and noticed nasty, harden, large, white clumps come out of me.  I suppose it was from years of birth control.  I looked at the clumps for a while before I let them go down the drain.   
  I had a greasy Southern Baptist youth minister when I was a teenager, and he ran a Bible study on Wednesday nights for just the guys in the youth group.  One night he gave us this stunning piece of wisdom: "There is nothing as over-rated as sex, and as under-rated as a bowel movement."  You know, as I grow older I think... maybe he was right.  But I still feel really sorry for his wife.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you are reading to much into it- the dividers between urinals have nothing to do with shame.  they are, however, intended to keep your neighbors piss splash off your legs.        
  Just got caught sending porn over the office email, was trying to send it home for more personal use, cause the pic was soon to be deleted off the webpage...apparently sending to hotmail sends up all sorts of different flags... boss let it go though cause I've only got 3 days left till i quit  God damn I love screwing around with companies on summer jobs, they can't do dick all.    2 years ago (working for the same company, mind you) I got caught drawing pictures on thousands of parts that had to be shipped out that night...They weren't too pleased, but I laughed at it all, and was off to school by end of the month.  I love being a student.  I gotta stop getting caught though.  Oh well i got enough porn as it is.  
  on my way from the bathroom i become ensnared in a human traffic jam, one which i am not in the mood to fight. i decide instead to chat up some people who were sitting around a table, mainly as a way to edge into a seat of my own. two men and a woman, the men dressed in all black, the woman in a pinstripe suit. the woman is deep in conversation with her companion on the couch, so i start talking to the man in the armchair. introductions are made. 'she's australian,' armchair man tells me when i am introduced to the woman.  we chat. bland new media jabbering, mostly, and while he is gesturing about the online advertising industry i notice the simple gold band on his left hand.  the australian woman leans over to him and yells, 'I WANT YOU TO COME IN MY HAIR TONIGHT, LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT.' his eyes widen, and he glances at me. she leans into him, her long straight hair covering half his face. 'i'm his WIFE, you see,' she says, smiling archly at me. she has big teeth. the man manages a weak eyebrow-raise.  and then she takes another sip of scotch. i take this as my cue to leave.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         all this talk about lighting farts reminds me of the time i saw a friend from nebraska smoke a cigarette with his bung... inhale, exhale. he was also skilled at inhale, inhale, inhale... giant fart. on command.  
  At least once a week, the wife of my husband's best friend emails me some horrid, overly-forwarded piece of religious crap. I've taken to countering it by replying to each one with the most filthy joke or url to a blasphemous site. Finally I guess she took the hint because she stopped sending them. This year we didn't get a Christmas card and my husband is mystified.   
  Those lying Crest bastards!  The Spinbrush Pro doesn't have a spinning brush.  It should be called Giratingbrush Pro.  
  Zen say:  It's always best to stand in behind dumpsters when getting blowjobs from underaged streetgirls. Police cannot prosecute what they cannot see.  
  Happy moment? O.K. Here is one.  A long time ago I was at a swanky hotel restaurant on a business trip. In walks a high school couple dressed for the prom. Perfect tux, perfect long gown. Way early for their reservations. They are both doing the, "I have no idea what to do." figgit in their seats.   I sent them a round of dirnks.  
  The next time you decide to be an ass to a customer service rep, just remember, we know where you live, your phone number, your credit card details, and all kinds of other interesting things about you . . .  
        He to me: We should start a band this summer.  Myself: Yes, let's.  He to me: But where would we get the music?  Myself: I will write it.  He to me: No, I want something happy and light.  
   Brain Damage  All my family back in Scotland knew was that I'd had a minor nasal operation at Boston Eye And Ear Hospital that had gone horribly wrong. Somehow, a scalpel had entered my brain and damaged my frontal lobes. But that was a year ago -- now they were seeing me for the first time at Glasgow Airport. I stumbled slowly out into the visitors' area looking like Jack Nichnolson in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" after he got back from electro-shock therapy: mouth half-hanging open, eyes half-rolled back in my head. I shuffled forwards. Mom walked quickly towards me, slapped me hard, said: "You're no' foolin' anyone!" Aah -- back in the bosom of the fambly...  
  I know this girl who is the most upbeat, perky person on the planet. The kind who could fall in a pile of shit and find something good about it. The kind for whom every day is a rainbow-filled joyfest of diversity and sharing. The kind who never sees the dark side and always has a kind word for everyone, even when they screw her over. I'm terrified of her, because when she finally does snap into the real world, she's gonna kill everything in a three mile radius.   
  I just saw John Malkovich. He was two people ahead of me in line at Ekerds, buying a large box of close-out Valentine's Day candy. It was a 36-count bulk pack of those little candy Valentine hearts with printed messages on them, like "Be Mine" and "Sweetheart." The scanner wasn't working properly, which meant the cashier had to take one of the smaller boxes from the shrink-wrap to scan it 36 times.  I suppose even John Malkovich can have tedious days.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My nose is small so how the hell can it hold this much fucking snot!   
  "Animals had more spunk back in my day!"        
  Liquor store at the coast..  Two friends deciding what size bottle to purchase..  Be-turbanned Middle Eastern store owner observes the exchange and then offers this morsel of sage wisdom;  "Don't get a half-pint... You'll only be half-drunk."  How can you argue with logic like that?        
        i m trying to sleep after doing twenty four straight at winthrop hosp when i hear the sound of a trainwreck on west fifth i look out to see chelsea pete and okie walking toward my apartment ding zzzzt i buzz them up what the hell pete you plowed right into the hydrant says me its a rental says pete bewildered at my concern  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i wrote a check to my local internet service provider, and in the "for" box i put pornography access  
  I needed revenge on my roommate, and toothbrush-stuffing wasn't on the horizon (no way was I going to stick anything from her mouth up my ass).  So I put her last week's worth of backlogged, rancid dishes in her bed, and fucked her "lesbian" girlfriend  
  My friend Amy and I are obsessed with Harry Potter. We got drunk one night, and I confessed that I used to write erotic fiction. She dared me to write one about Harry Potter. I did, too. It was hilarious. Harry and Snape and Ron and Draco all getting in on it. Then she saved the AIM, and her friend found it.  I have never lived it down. My boyfriend still makes jokes about "Snape-fic". ~puck~  
   eating my meal like a normal persona and this fucking clown keeps staring at me. i'm trying to enjoy my mealand the company i'm keeping and this pervasive fucker keeps looking for eye lock, like i'm gonna run over and spread my legs on the dinner table infront of his ancient gigalo uncle.  so i casually jam my index and forefinger into my nose and inspect the retrieved and start to bite on the supossed crusty booger with my front teeth. that'll teach you you fucking lecherous old asshole.       
  i remember her comment about how i didn't like sex as much as she did. then we broke thre, count them three, separate pieces of furniture, fucking in four rooms in the house. there was jizz juice every goddammed where. "ok, ok, i hurt, i quit, you win" said she. "oh, come on, one more time" said i. "not now", said she. "man, you're a prude..." jizz juice everywhere, three broken pieces of furniture.   
  Background information Story Final Buildup Irony Yet another mundane Lowbrow moment Kill me please  
  I think, in all my ponderances, the most difficult daily task a man faces is pissing with morning wood.   When you just wake up at whatever ungodly hour it may he, the last thing you want to do is calculate distances and trajectories so you don't end pissing all over the bathroom wall.   This is especially a cruel joke played on us by god when you've been on a drinking binge consisting of everclear and malt liqour the night before.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on a chatline with a buncha name droppers.   "I met blah and blah at hamburger Hamlet."  "I waited on so and so at the deli where I work."  "I saw such and such at a stoplight."  I sat there for a moment and then posted, "I slept with the kid from the Sylvester stallone flick 'Over the Top'"  And they all said, "Uh....she wins."  
  Her asthma was bothering her the other night... so what does she do?  Light another cigarette, of course!  
  I made a little sticker once, it was a drawing of a screw, tilted on a 45 degree angle.  I then proceeded to place it appropriately on a bumper sticker that read `I (Heart) my German Shepherd'.  I don't know what that was, but it sure wasn't highbrow.    
  Late one recent evening of scotch-sipping and beer, about 6 six of us were competing with each other over who had the craziest grandmother. "When I was about 3, I witnessed with my grandfather my grandmother purposefully hurl herself down a very long, outdoor flight of wooden stairs. Broke her leg. Looking back now I can guess she was pretty drunk."   Silence and wide eyes told me I had won.     - coleminersgreat@granddaughter.com   Hmm, my grandmother was an abusive alcoholic stripper who once attacked her husband with a broken vodka bottle after catching him having sex with a teenaged girl. He tried to shoot my grandmother, but cocaine and codeine screwed up his aim and he hit the mattress.  She was Lenny Bruce's lover, and received Christmas cards from Elvis Presley, who she met and befriended in Vegas when they were working together. Her first boss was Gypsy Rose Lee.  She and my grandfather have been married 49 years. He claims to have gotten the scar on his arm from being mugged. She prefers that her old profession is referred to as 'dancer'.  I think I win.   
  Dead Bunnies Haiku # 13:  Some people ask me Why dead bunnies make me laugh. I have no idea.   
  a long time ago my friend and i were taking a walk. we were two fourteen year old girls, just being stupid and walking because we couldn't drive. We came down to the bottom of a hill and aited on the corner in front of a stop sign to cross the street. A car rolled down and stopped at the sign and we were just about to cross when both our sets of eyes saw through the driver's opened window.. the guy was driving with one hand and jerking off with the other. he had his pants around his knees and was really getting into it. We froze; neither of us had really seen a penis before, let alone one standing tall in all its glory. it really freaked us out. To this day i till think about it.  Do guys do this often? seems very unsafe to me.  
  Okay, I'm sitting here by myself on a Tuesday night, I've had eight beers, I haven't left the house, and no one is here.  I've jacked off three times to Bearshare porn.  I think I should seek help now.  
   Stonemason's Apprentice  When I finally worked up enough courage to refuse to work in the asbestos-filled school basement, they gave me the real shit job. Stonemason's apprentice. Literally breaking rocks under the hot sun with a pickaxe, sledgehammer, and wedges. The stonemason wasn't one for words, so he'd just point to the pile of rocks and hold his hands this far apart. If there wasn't one there that fit the size he wanted, out came the pickaxe, the sledgehammer, and the wedges. No way was I actually a stonemason's apprentice -- I was going back to college come September, but I kept that bit quiet. The stonemason wasn't one for conversation, but he mumbled to himself all day. I was never sure if he was talking to me, so I listened carefully, but all that seemed to come out was: "Ya cunt tae fuck ..." When we finally finished whatever we were building, I would usually be impressed -- he was a purty good stonemason. Stonemason always said: "Ya cunt tae fuck. Looks like a coo's twat."  -----------------  For the language-disabled, what he said was: "you cunt to fuck - it looks like a cow's cunt."  
  My best friend and I had grown up our entire lives together and decided to go to college together also. We are living in a 1972 Silver Streak Camper. It is quite convienient because it is cheap. But it has it's problems. Our toilet decided to clog. We got the brilliant idea to use a hose to drain some of the water out of the toilet. It was going well for a while when the hose got stoped also. Well I went outside to see what was wrong. After some debating I sterilized an end of the hose and proceeded to blow into it to see if their was a clog. Stoped by screams from inside the camper I rushed in to see what was wrong to find my friend using an entire bottle of toothpaste and two toothbrushes to clean his mouth............                                apparently he was going to do the same thing as me. Glad I am a quick thinker.  I make sure to ask him if anything "tastes like shit"  
  I once wanted to start a band, you know, to be punk as fuck and rebellious and shit, and you know, to get chicks. So I call up my friend nick and tell him:  "Nick, we're started a band, and we're naming it Blurry Vagina"  He says, "I dunno, man, I don't think my mom will approve."  Then, I said, "Man, fuck that shit, that's what being in Blurry Vagina's all about. It's about the music, man. It's about  Rock n' Roll . Blurry Vagina's all about the rebellion."  We never did start that band.  
  this kid and i are friendly, and we hook up on the last day of classes fall semester.  we're both still around for 2 weeks though, so we proceed to continue to get it on for the next two weeks.  but his home is 8 hours from mine, and he's going to be abroad next semester.  so the last day that we are both still in town he comes over less than an hour before i have to go meet my ride.  and we get it on.  we are completely naked in my apartment's living room, roommates being gone, and we are just screwing around and now and then banging against the door because that strikes us as funny.  and then i'm like "hey man, you eaten any nuts recently?"  and he's like "yeah.  macadamein nuts, just before i came.  why?  are you allergic?"    and oh, i am.  so then i'm in the bathroom chugging Benadryl, still of course naked, and he's laughing hysterically and then i run to the kitchen and i'm at the sink, swallowing Advil and splashing cool water on my face, my naked body breaking out in hives, and i look up and see this kid, still completely naked, reach over to my roommate's desk and take this black feather boa, wrap it around his neck, and head over to the full length-ish window we have in the dining room.  so as i'm dying over by the sink, he is standing there, full frontal, one leg thrown out and up on a chair, stark naked save for the boa, and tapping on the glass to get the attention of this old man walking around in the parking lot 2 flights below.  i can see from the little window over the sink that he succeeds at this, and the old guy looks up, wearing sunglasses, and just kind of dead stares for 30 seconds as Nude Boa Boy waves demurely at him.  Then Old Sunglass Man turns around, kind of stretches, and refuses to look back.  * maybe i could've told it better, but it was absolutely hilarious, and a damn beautiful moment.  and, somehow, rather perfect.  or at least fitting.  :)  
  So I'm a senior in college and at the beginning of the semester, I met this guy.  He was so unbelievably perfect for me that I couldn't even bring myself to flirt with him.  I was too afraid I'd either   A. Get nervous and make him think I was completely foolish (he's older) or B. Get him to go out with me and then get my poor little heart broken.  After 4 months of being friends with this guy, we finally have a couple of dates.  After the third one, we are making out in his bed and I get all excited.  That's when it hits me how screwed up dating really is-- if I hadn't been so crazy about him, I could have slept with him.  But because I want him so much and want things to work out, I have to punish myself by holding out.    Whatever.  
  "Did you get me drunk just so I would do this?" What kind of girl asks that in the middle of a blowjob? "There's a diffrence between a satanic bastard and a devlish imp.  You were already getting drunk... when opportunity knocks, i let her in and ask her for a blowjob" I thought it was a clever response.  She disagreed, as did the back of her ring studded hand as it shot across my face. She left without her shirt, her bra still hanging open. It's a good thing you don't whack off with your face, cause that would have been one sore night.  
  This is my little revenge at all the boys in electrical engineering at my university.  In some classes I am the only girl.  This semester I have a three hour break between classes.  I usually come home and sleep.  I try to wake up with enough time to masturbate furiously before heading back to yet another male-dominated class.  I give myself 5 minutes.  If I can do it, I simply reassemble my clothes, grab my book bag, and head to class.  (If not, I'm horny as hell for the rest of the day, and there's not a whole lot male engineers can do about that.)  Then I sit in class imagining my I-just-masturbated-powers spreading all over the class room, giving an instant hard-on to all the boys.  Then they're distracted and I'm the only one paying attention, and I pass the class and they all fail miserably.  
  i just got another tattoo.  it's on my ankle. everyone who looks at it from afar usually says, "that's a cute bunny". when they get closer to look at it, they realize it's killing itself.  it's funny to watch their facial expression change.  
  I walked into to local mcdonalds with one of my friends and we ordered our food and left the table to hit the bathroom (i was feeling puke-y sick). an employee told us the male janitor was cleaning the bathroom so it wouldnt be appropriate but we told him we didnt mind, we just wanted to make sure i didnt throw up on the floor. so he let us in. we walked in to find tha male janitor sucking on a used, bloody tampon. i immediately threw up, accurately, into the janitor's mop bucket. i felt much better after that.   
        spring break of my junior year we all piled into the '87 camareo and decided to go camping after becoming seriously inspired by Mr. Hunter S Thompson one afternoon. somehow, we managed to fandangle ourselfs some acid, a little pot, and some orange juice.  we drove to payson, threw down a tent, ate the acid, and got really weirded out. we ran out of food and water pretty quick, and by 3 am things had gotton kind of primitive. lord of the flys like. we ate at dennys the next morning and drove home.  i'm not sure if it meant anything, but it really was more fun then i've ever had in my entire life.  
  when i was a little kid my mom used to tell everyone i was her "lsd flashback."  
  "i got new neighbors and i have to go make sort of a pre-emptive strike." - - "shit on the dog before it shits in your yard kind of thing?" "exactly."  
  "if i'm still hungry after this pizza is gone, i'll just eat some pork"  how i love that man of mine...  
  First live concert I ve ever been to (minus the Wynton Marsalis I don t think that counts) was some hippy filled concert.  I, like everyone else in the building, wasn t completely sober.  In fact I was the very opposite of such.  So the music starts getting really good.  I suddenly feel like I m inside a made-for-tv-movie where their doing a scene about going to a concert, so I begin dancing, not because I really felt like dancing; I didn t want to look like an idiot on the imaginary camera.    Anyways, some girl in front of me (one of the few not dressed like a hippy) seems to keep bumping in to me.  Then she starts doing some weird white girl booty dance routine on me.  This is done a good 4 or 5 times before she turns it up a notch.  One time during her accidental  bump  she starts feeling around my crotch area. I, of course, already have a hard-on from that crazy booty dance she s giving me.  She then continues to dance like nothing happened.  At the time I was visitor at a zoo to women, always looking but never touching.  Added to the fact that I m not very sober, her actions were very confusing to me.  All of a sudden her might-be-boyfriend comes along, I take a note that I haven t  laid a finger on this not-so-much older seductress. While she s hugging on him, she decides to continue to do the hippy booty shake on me.  This booty shake is still very confusing to me, she is obviously directing the shaking towards me, but hasn t really touched me yet, except for the  accidental  bumping into.  I m still thinking maybe, all of her bumping into was just an accident; maybe when she felt me up she didn t like what she felt, no I m part Italian that defiantly isn t it.  After about fifteen minutes of this tease and retreat act; I was getting sick and tired (and sober) of this tease so I decided I would give her something in return boyfriend or no boyfriend.  But then as quickly as she came into my life, she left.  She was the first woman to ever  touch  me.  I never knew her name.  I never really saw her face, since she was always faced away from me.  I never understood if she was really coming on to me or if she just wanted to tease my virgin ass.  Either way it still sets a high standard for all future concerts.     In the end, I found being groped by a stranger in public is actually enjoyable, no matter what those Japanese women say.   
  "you can't have children," my mother said. we were standing in the crib aisle at Toys-R-Us, killing time before a movie. "you can't have children because I refuse to get them plastic furniture."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Dad was in the hospital for intestine surgery, and afterwards they wouldn't feed him until they knew that his intestines were working again.  I called him up.  "Hey, Dad, how you doing?"  "Well, good news.  I farted today."  "Hey, that's great!"       
  I had a really fucked up dream... I was trying to get a good sex dream w/ my GF in it so I was thinking of the time when I was fingered her...  The dream ended up being of me fingering a hermaphradite w/ the face of a ditsy cheerleader chick from school... I had my fingers in her when she was wackin of her jonson... First she had one orgasim and jizzed all over the place... Then she had another orgasim (from me fingering her vagina)... I didn't get any resipication...  I think that's quite Lowbrow  I didn't dare tell my GF about that dream when she asked if I had a dream that night. I just said I didn't rember any. She then goes on to tell me of her really hot sex dream w/ me in it.   DAMN IT SHE HAS ALL THE FUN!   
  in a previous post: In fifth grade we had DARE graduation. They made us stand up, and with our hands our our hearts, repeat some pledge about never smoking or drinking or doing drugs.  In the back of my mind I was thinking "Yeah right. I know I'm going to do all of those some day."   To this day I haven't met anyone else who knew they weren't going to keep that promise.    - toochickenshit@anotherwhiner.com -----  -----  -----  ----- i knew.  ;)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         guinea pig poop would not make a good fertalizer because it has a tendency to mold.   This was a relieving discovery in a way because I could dump out the 5 gallon bucket of it that I has been saving.  
  I want to take people who use the term "anywho" instead of "anyhow" and slam their heads against a cement or brick wall so that their brain matter leaks out.  
  I woke up naked in a dumpster with a huge hangover. It' don't get no lower than that.        
  I am part of the lowbrow army. I went to my local foodjobber and opened a sharpie, then headed for the personal care items. I wrote lowbrow dot com on the from of every single box of comdoms they had. I figure at least one person who buys those condoms will have a moment to share.  
  my friend is a 20 year old virgin. It's not by choice. He has two older sisters that didn't make it to 18 before they had a litter of children by verying fathers. He's also the only child out of the group to be considered succesful in anyway.  This New Year's Eve I have a party. He doesn't show up so I call his house, him mom answers and says he packed up and went to Louisianna to meet a girl he met off of the internet. The pieces aren't in place yet but it shall happen. He'll be late coming back to work and get fired, within mere moments she will call and say her period is late. For every ending there is a beginning. This.... this is how it all went down.  
  put a bee in the freezer for 1 min and it will be unconscious   tie dental floss around it and when it comes to you have a pet on a leash    thank you ethan   ################################### However, a fly works better and won't sting.  Also, use a long hair and tie it to a pencil.........  Then you have a pet on a stick.  
  Just walked out of the bathroom; saw a guy brushing his teeth while he was taking a wizz in the urinal.  There is something fundamentally wrong with that.  
  The commute: A normal morning involving quickly moving to another lane where there were no vehicles (thank goodness) to keep from being sideswiped by an asshole, then having to stand on my brakes to keep from being clipped by another asshole, I finally reach work.  Telling my supervisor about the scary commute (but normal), he responds with, "Yeah, sometimes I think I should move further away from work so I can experience all of that and get my adrenalin working."  
   Birth Control 101  I love going down to the local hardware store, for three (well six, actually :-) good reasons. Each one cuter than the next. But I ran out of projects, and reasons to go there. But my 5 year-old wants to build something. I think for awhile, then get ambitious and suggest we build a working replica of one of his favourite disasters, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge*. We put our heads together, and with lots of good input from him, come up with a blueprint in an hour.  (Eh, where's the birth control? Keep reading...)  We come with a long list of hardware, and Wig suggests we go to the "hard" store to buy one piece every day. I just  love  that boy! Nicky, his favourite (and one of mine --tall young Amazon with ribbons in her hair) is at the checkout. Wig shows her a 2"x4" section that he cut through perfectly, using his own scarily-sharp Japanese hand saw.  (No, that's not the birth control -- it couldn't kill him, or even sever a finger.)  Nicky is so impressed that she wants to give him a present. She gets him some candy, so he asks for some stickers. She gives him some stickers, so he asks for a balloon. She gives him a balloon, so he asks for... Fifteen minutes later, Nicky gets exasperated: "Your boy is hard to please!" Me: "He should run a Lamaze class. He could certainly teach how to push, push, push..." She laughs: "I don't think I'm going to need one of those for a while. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have kids, ever!"  ------------ *The famous "Galloping Gertie" -- a suspension bridge that self-destructed spectacularly in a high wind.  
  I was at party and I had just gone to the bathroom. Some guys were whistling at me and I was then told by my friend that my skirt was tucked in my underwear! My ass had been hanging out this entire time!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read lowbrow just about every day.  Click... click... yey :)  Unfortunately, some of the content would not be deemed appropriate by my parental units.  (only one more year, and then i'm gone...)  For this reason, whenever they walk into the room, I am forced to close the browser window before they see what's onscreen.  I swear they think I have a porn obsession.  They look the other way real quick, like they're afraid they'll catch a glimpse of some chick getting titty-fucked.  No guys, that was last year...   Lowbrow has supplanted my need for porn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i think i am looking for some kind of gratification in adult chat rooms. makes me furious at my husband for not keeping up.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once had a nightshirt that said "Time to go to bed...NOT!" on it.  I thought it was the coolest thing in the world.  
  Spent the past 8 hours devolving into madness via seis Tecates.  Counting the minutes till the 5th eviction notice arrives.  Wondering if those stains will ever come off the wall.  Tearing up pics of me and Ashley.  Dad always said nothing's so bad at 20.  Glory days, my friends, glory days.  
  I just keep reading these things and reading, and somebody wrote something about needing to study for a test, and I'm doing the same thing.  I'm avoiding all of my commitments to school with this damn website.  But I swear to god there's a liberal arts education in all of this somewhere . . .         
  He asked me if I was straight, I told him I was bi.   "oh," he said, "I thought you were normal"  
  I had a great day today.  I got a $40 rebate check in the mail that I had forgotten about so I cashed it without telling my wife and bought me a case of beer and a 1/2 a roll of Skoal.  Living large in middle class America !  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to room with 3 girls. One day I came home and they were having a 'house meeting'.  The house meeting was about me.   They yelled at me because I had thrown a party and left the kitchen table strewn with clove cigarette butts and alcohol.   The next week they had a party and left used syringes and nitrous ballons everywhere.  I just smiled and secretly wished that they would get VD.  Goths and ravers just don't get along.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't tell the kids, but most of the crap they learn in school, they'll have no use for.  What the hell did I study algebra for? I use simple arithmetic, that's it. How does knowledge of the history of the Roman Empire help me? It doesn't.  
  i was in my room. i couldnt sleep and i was kinda horny, so i got some vaseline and a playboy and began beating it. now my cat was on the bed with me (he was by my feet). my cat wakes up, looks at the playboy, the vaseline and then at me. when he looked at me i could almost read the expression on his face "you sick mother fucker, i am trying to sleep and you come in here and start beating your meat? have a little respect, i am trying to sleep here". after looking at me, he put his head back down and went back to sleep. i finished up. next time i will be sure to kick him out of my room so he can sleep better.  
  My first real job that wasn't behind a bar was a summer's worth of digging ditches. Simple, pick 'n shovel work.  I loved it. Out in a field at 7:30am, up to my knees in the earth, with dew still on the ground - swing, shovel, rest, swing, shovel, rest...  The other guys called me "college boy," and loved to set up little tests for me.  One lunchtime, sitting in the howff* and the tey is passed around.  I put sugar in mine and ask for a spoon.  One guy (who had been working in a sewer all morning) reached into his pocket and handed me a small spanner.  Everybody pretends to not be paying attention as I take it, stir my tea, and hand it back with thanks.  Another test passed successfully, since nobody noticed that I didn't actually drink the tea.  -----------------  *a small, portable shack, that was moved from worksite to worksite.  
  He broke my heart and I went insane.    I grabbed every Woman s Day magazine I could find and searched the pages for Elvis commemorative plates, porcelain dolls, and collector s series chessboards, etc.   I filled out about 100 order cards with his name and address.  For weeks and weeks, he received strange little deliveries by mail.   I still laugh at the thought of him opening a Princess Diana porcelain doll with an 850.00 price tag.      
   The liquid was poured into the concoction of orange Hi-C powdered drink mix and 150 proof vodka and turned it into agent orange. I did a few shots. At one point the kitchen tiles bubbled then broke leaving me hanging from the counters in a jesus christ pose while my feet dangled above the fires of the very gates of hell. As my sneakers burned off and my flesh began to char Ryan walked in reached into the kitchen and pulled me out. Margarets having a hard time and she needs someone to talk to her, he says. You're the only one she'll talk to, he says. Margaret, beautiful Margaret, stood, crammed into the corner, losing her shit. I walked over and touched her wondeful cheek and said "you need to go play in the snow".  I dressed her in my favorite sweater and a pair of hiking boots and we laughed like children for hours during the blizzard. I held her close that night as she slept in my pink buttondown, kissing her ear and stroking her hair.. And so to those who think acid is evil, I say this, ITS ALL IN THE APPLICATION AND USE!         
  I have a friend named Jeff Milk that likes to have sex with overweight older women.Like 10-15 years older then himself...meets them mostly at work or on this personals site he goes to.  I told him it's quality and not quantity that matters.  He replied in a way that only he can "Bro I gotta get my dick wet."  I couldn't argue with that logic.  
  tip #5 on how to keep a man:  When you go to the grocery store, get them something that is their favorite and for their consumption only. Territorial-ism in the fridge gives them power, especially if there is no cable in the house.   
        salut tout les amis arabes. sur le net j'emmerde tous les israleins et surtout les puatins juifs de merde. ce vs a plu le dernier attent qui fais 17 morts et 62 blesses ds la discotheque . c peut etre bon  pour vs rappeler la haine q'on dissiile a vous !!on saura comment vs exterminer jusqu'a le dernier  raja ca t'a plu :))))) c wajih et prepare ton unix   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One night, right when I was getting ready to go to sleep, I saw a TV special on old people with alien hand syndrome.  I went to Meijer and bought a blank tape to record it.  When the old man bit his hand to punish it I just about shit myself.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I signed up for paypal and to verify my bank account they made two deposits into it I am supposed to tell them how much was deposited in the account so they can verify it but I think I will just keep the money  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving a friend of mine and her ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/whatever they want to call themselves now home on Friday.  They were completely tossed, and I was horny (over a year since the last.  Plus, I'm male).  Now, she's just about the hottest, most sexy, most sensual women I've ever had the privilege of looking at, and I've wanted her constantly for about 5 years, only I'm stuck in that permanent "nice guy-friend" category.  I drive a '66 Ford Ranchero, so it's the three of us across the bench.  They start making out like crazy, probably probing stomach with their tongues.  He puts his hand between her legs and starts rubbing furiously.  Well, she makes some of the best sounds I've ever heard (not even great porn comes close)  I've got a decent stereo system that plays really loud (although not necessarily clearly), and I heard her over Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys.  About halfway to his house, she's reclining against me, sitting sideways, one leg on the dash, humping the hell out of his hand.  And all I could do was watch/drive.  God, I hate being a "nice guy"  
  The ex husband (before we were married) and I parked on a lonely road and I bent over the seat so that he could have me from that position. He came quickly, as usual, then got out of the car and threw up on the side of the road.  When he cried, I reminded myself of that night many times during the six week waiting period of the divorce, twenty six years later.        
  Depositing my money in the vending machine in Tokyo, I am intrigued by the choice of the CALPIS brand.  The brand is called "SWEAT".  Hmmmmm. Cow-piss and sweat.  I depress the coin return and opt for the Coca-Cola machine across the street. Perhaps some things are best left to the imagination.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i am so fucking sick of people saying "love...like, the biblical sence"  or shit like that.  the biblical euphimism is "know."  when adam "knew" eve, he fucked mer.  its that simple.  when god loved david, he did not fuck him.  jesus christ people are stupid.  a fuckin atheist and i know more about scripture then 2/3 of america...  
  he showed up to the party with a fucking mountain of coke.  he offered it around to the group of dubious 17 and 18 year olds.  "it's ok"  he said  "it's not very good coke."        
  I live in a dorm with three other girls.  It is abnormal enough that one of my roommates actually got 2 rolls of toilet paper, during finals week no less.    And then I notice the Immodium AD and the bright pink bottle of Pepto Bismol. Someone's going to have a looooong final exam tomorrow.  But my butt will be happy not to have to scrape by on paper towels yet again.  I just hope whoever's got the shits isn't contagious.  
     I love how if you say "ABBA" in Europe, people will nod their heads and pretend like they know whatever the fuck you're saying.     
  I have a deformed.............yoo know.....Thing.....and I'm ashamed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever let your tongue get ahead of your brain while trying to talk and what comes out is a garbled and alarming statement that doesn't quite sound like what you meant it to sound like?  Chicken McNiggets  Yeah, I was pretty mortified too.  
  walked around today at mcarthy ranch in milpitas with an eyepatch on arrring at people.  my friend nick drags me around to be obnoxious so he can pick up on chicks  i never found my pirate ship. :(  
  We fucked, spoon-style, under the covers until his roommate noticed and got up and left. We kept screwing, dispassionately, our attention focused on the TV. He came just as they announced that Gore won Florida.  Where were you during the 2000 presidential election? ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm not a doctor, but i play one when you're passed out drunk  
  My uncle (now deceased) married one woman because her father threatened to shoot him!  The night of his wedding to her, he 'sneaked out' and went to see his 'girlfriend' who was pregnant with his child.  Turns out his wife wasn't.  He later divorced her and married the girlfriend.  Low, but I loved him, and he later 'repented' of his ways!        
  things my mom said (or yelled) at me:  life is a popularity contest.  nice guys finish last - you're too nice.  if you ever bring home a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend, you're no longer my son.  don't ever have kids - worst thing I ever did.      
  The company's situation is so bad that it no longer furnishes coffee to its employees...  But, from somewhere, a member of Operations found a supply of coffee and filters.  I had problems opening the bag of unfamiliar coffee and giggled at the ill-fitting filters provided. Then I thought, "Bless you, sweet Operations employee for allowing us workaholics another week of free coffee."  
  I am pretty lazy, well one night I awoke to a terrible pain in my bladder and I grabbed a 1liter bottle laying next to my bed.  As soon as i whipped it out it sprayed and got all over my porn mag, I filled the rest of the bottle and stuffed the wet porn mag in there too then looked around and put lid on and stuffed it in my closet.  A couple years later while I was moving I found that bottle.  I climbed on my roof and dropped it to the ground but it didn't break.  So I grabbed a huge rock and climbed back up to the roof, I noticed a friend was comming up my drive so i waited and dropped the rock when he came near.  The 3 year old rancid piss and paper sprayed all over him and he vomited and dry heaved for an hour.   I swear that is still the most horrid smell i have ever, well smelled.  
  One day on the news I saw a gang of protesters throwing molotov cocktails.  I thought that was pretty cool.  So I made one myself.  I lit it and threw it like a football, excited to see the flames when the bottle came crashing back down to earth.  Instead, the gasoline spilled on my t-shirt and I forgot all about stop drop and roll.    It must have been funny to see me trying to outrun the flames on my shirt.  Carl Lewis couldn't outrun flames.  
  you know in the 90's, when carls jr put out there "eat meat" bumper stickers. you know how people were cutting off the "at"  at the end? and the sticker said "eat me" i thought of that.  
  I woke up with a vague recollection of what happened in the middle of the night...I didn't want to believe it...but she confirmed it :/  Around 1 in the morning, I was awoken by my girlfriend telling me to roll back over, as she was about to give me a blowjob...  Apparently I rolled over onto my stomach while she was...working on it...  I replied "No, I'm too tired," and I went right back to sleep.  I still don't know what I was thinking...it's not like she said it some wierd code I couldn't understand...I knew what was happening and I said no...    
  Do you ever try and remember how you learned how to read? Obviously at one point every letter in the alphabet looked Arabic to you, but somehow you learned. What did they look like to you before you learned them?  It's the same thing with language. What did it sound like to you before you learned it?  Or how about using the toilet? Surely no one taught you how to pee. How about controlling your bladder (I know it won't be all of you)? As far as I remember, I would shit my pants, and then all of a sudden I wouldn't. I kinda wish I could go back to those days just to recall my learning curve.  I can't remember what it was like to just shit my pants. I wonder what we thought as we were doing it? Was it a "Hey. That kinda feels good." or a "Mom's gonna be pissed." type of thing?  What was it like to take a shit without that whole constricting of the sphincter? Ahh to be young and carefree.  
     As I entered El Farolito i could hear the swinging mexican music blaring over the sizzle of organ meats and hum of conversation.  The song quickly changed to Hotel California, and I laughed over the easily recognized opening bars.  The irony of this on such a cold rainy night.  The haven of burritos!    While creeping along in line, closer to my culinary destination, i heard clips of conversation pierce through Don Henley and mates.  :...she was giving him head..." said the high pitched voice.   -"my roommate Paul.."  -"On a dark desert highway..."  -"..she had it in her mouth...and then her mouth was full"   The policemen at the next table were unfazed.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
   My friends decided to fix me up with one of their freinds.  I calmly drive with them to pick him up from work.  We are introduced, and I smile, because he is cute.  I back out of the parking lot with my four friends in my car.  I put it in drive and then, slowly start to drive towards the main street......  I look both ways, and then, at that very moment........  I come within two inches of driving off a 3-foot drop.  Oh, the humiliation.  
  I print out the most explict, detailed, graphic representations of perverted sex I can find and carefully insert them into various books in the religion section of bookstores.  It's important to have a hobby, you know.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I haven't touched a girl in 6 months. Just today I finished jerking off and while cleaning up found a long blond hair amongst my pubes.   How the fuck did that get there?  
  Why not? i thought. Scabies aren't so bad. Its not like i was the first person on earth to get scabies.    so we all went swimming.   No one even noticed the little red lines on my stomach. I was just as good as they were.  i hardly even felt guilty when i borrowed T immy's towel.   
  my boyfriend will kiss me after I go down on him but not after I smoke a ciggarette.  I don't get it.  
  When I was in the 5th grade, there was this boy named Mike in my class who tried so hard to fit in.  Every time our teacher would step out of the classroom, he would sneak up to the chalkboard and steal a piece of chalk.  Once he was back at his desk, he would proceed to eat the whole stick of chalk, leaving just the powdered remains as evidence on his lips. We all laughed, so I guess he took that as a sign that we thought he was cool. No one ever cared enough to tell the teacher why her chalk was disappearing.  Our teacher always used colored chalk, and although Mike had sampled almost every color, he finally said that purple was his favorite *flavor* because it tasted like grape.  He would always try to get others to follow his lead, without any success.   ....I wonder if he is still a chalk pusher. I bet he's moved up to snorting chalk dust to get his fix.   
   Reasons I Shouldn't End My Second Marriage (But I Will, Anyway...)  (If you're not a parent, just hit reload. You'd appreciate another moment about shitting your pants  much  better).  Renovating my motorhome, which I have chosen to be my residence in the long interm, I recruit by boy Wig to be "a big help."  He is one smart kid, so with his help, the job only takes twice as long, but then, what does time mean to a dad?  I don't choose to be a pushover dad, so when he helps me, I insist that he actually learn the job properly He's five, after all! (Hey, I'm teaching him to drive...)  We're staining oak, which he wants to get right into, but there's the long prep to do first. Sanding twice, brushing, tack rag... Then finally staining.   I let him stain an entire side, which I forget to mention will be invisible once assembly is completed, and once he gets the idea of what "with the grain" means, he does as good a job as I can.  We stand amazed at how gorgeous his work looks, glowing golden in the afternoon sun.  He leans against me, looks up, says: "You're awful nice to me."  Me: "Yup -- you're my only boy, named after my daddy."  Wig: "Mom says you'll be moving away."  Me: "Never! I'm not moving away until you go to college." I kiss him on the top of his head.  He leans harder and smiles up at me: "But mom says you'll be moving away from here."  Me: "Yup, but not far. I'll be at the RV park in the country by the river. You'll be able to come visit, and have sleepovers, and we'll toast marshmallows, and go fishing..."  He: "And Patrick will come sleepover, and Latisha?"  Me: "You betcha!"  Nuff said.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There may be an until now unprecedented (for me) three-way in the works. There is already me, a and also a girl I know who would probably be into it. Just need another chick. Also, the girl that is already in is ugly, though.  
  Hey, where's that zine dedicated to those who eat fancy cheese  and still have to ride the bus for transportation?       
  Am I the Ann Landers of the internet? No less than 5 young men decide to IM me on a daily basis to ask advice about their tragic love lives.  Listen, if I had any idea how to have a decent relationship would I be on this computer 18 hours a day?!!!  
  So I'm in my college dorm room.  My roommate is on an interview elsewhere.  I'm tired of downloading weird fetish porn.  I'm jerking off into a sock, takes me a few seconds, then I'm back on AIM chatting with people about how much I hate being single.  I look around me. Pizza boxes over the floor, cum in a sock, bitching about being single in a college that's 70% male.  That's about as lowbrow as it gets.  
  A Jesus freak once said to me, "God loves you!"  And I said, "I don't believe it. If God really loved me, He'd swallow my cum. But He doesn't. He spits it back into my mouth when we tongue-kiss. It really pisses me off, and I tell Him so, but He does it every time. The worst thing is that, being as how I've just gotten a blowjob, I'm a little distracted, and so I never expect it. Never. If I did, I'd make Him stop and swallow it. But he's nothing if not sneaky. I feel like a fool every time. My cum doesn't even taste good. Damn him."  That pretty much ends the conversation right there.   
  I ate color changing cheetos yesterday, they changed the holor of my mouth green, as intended.  Then I took a shit....  It was St.Patricks day in the toilet.  Too cool.  
  I guess I'll be over her when I stop jumping up and looking out the window because I hear her car in the driveway even though it is just the old refrigerator kicking on.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I joined the Mile High Club in the lav on a flight to Detroit. I was alone. Thanks Palm porn.  
  I was at work one day, and my manager was pretty pissed at a co-worker.  He grabbed a can of Raid off the shelf and says, "Eliminates pests, huh? Let's see if it works!"  He then proceeds to spray the kid in the eyes...  
  It took me sixty-nine minutes to respond to all the e-mail I got from lowbrow people today.  SIXTY-NINE MINUTES.  And I type 90 words per minute...so that's a lot of time on a lot of mail.  I guess that in itself is lowbrow...but the worst part is I actually thought, "Wonder if Sorry_e_e would get jealous?"    OH SHIT I need to spend less time on this computer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have a friend that was going to a new job.  First day, they tell her there's a drug test (note: the place is a music store...run by musicians).  She says sure.  They tell her that they bring out a suitcase and she must correctly identify every drug in there.  She's been working there a couple of years.  She might actually have posted about this.  If she did and you've read it (however fucking unlikely that is), in the words of the most prolific poster known to the brow:  sorry  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my girlfriend and i had been fighting for weeks and a break up was unavoidable. It happened to be sept. 14, our 2 year anniversary. We went to lunch at the Olive Garden and we broke up right there. That meal cost me $40 plus the $10 tip because the waiter was very good. i cannot stop questioning my foresight. If i had thought about it we would have gone to Burger King.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's funny, you know.    That of all the people I could be friends with, I choose the ones that would scare my mother the most.    Dreads. Ilicit drug use. Piercings. Bad driving. Green hair. Loose sex. Life's failures.   And I'm sure they put the toilet roll in the holder the wrong way round, too.  I'm sorry, mom.  
  i got flamed by some jackass because i wrote how i left my wife on this site.  Dude, lighten up she was the one that screwed the pizza boy.  joeblo... yes, i should say you do.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My best friend has this annoying habit of spitting when he smokes. He says his mouth dries out, and it helps keep that "nasty taste" out of there. I really don't think much of it anymore. I'm so used to it. Until one night we were at a club and he lights up a cigarette... I realised at that moment I am a total loser.  Dancing in a club like an idiot with a rather passive Indian man, who is spitting every 30 seconds. Yep, that's my life.   
  "I remember swimming in Trunk Bay in US Virgin Islands. I made the mistake of pulling out a large, plump bag full of frozen peas while in the water...this resulted in immediate attack by a pack of ravenous yellow tail jacks.  The attack occurred in a mere 5 feet of water and I damn near drowned from fear and absolute confusion. The life guard warned me about the feeding frenzies of those goddamn fish...But I paid no heed.  Ended up having chunks of flesh missing from my body, an empty frozen pea bag (still clenched tightly in my fist) and a laughing stock of witnesses on the beach to deal with after that. Imagine the visual of a pale white gringo trudging up the beach after the incident, wide eyed, scuba mask completely askew and bleeding.  ...what a goon.  I love eating Yellow Tail at Sushi grazes. "  What kind of person just pulls out a bag of fucking peas while swimming. What the fuck was he going to do with them?!  
  Ate too many pot brownies at a genesis concert once (concert sucked) -- I ate three, insteade  of just one.  At home that night I started getting really paranoid.  I was really freaked out that Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon seemed to be not getting along. I realized that all these years they secretly hated each other and I was the only one who noticed it. what a let down.  Last time I ever used pot.  
  Western Civilization's "tacky period," as my history teacher says, has lasted some three thousand years, and should in fact be called the "tacky era" or "tacky age" or something of the sort, but "tacky period" is just too temporal.  
  You just know there's something wrong in the world when you see more Valtrex and antidepressant commercials than asprin ones.  
  At my university's Health Services, the service is notoriously bad. So bad that you hear real stories about guys being asked if they're pregnant, and girls with sprained ankles being tested for mono.  I escorted my friend with a concussion to my college's Health Services one day , and we were waiting in the exam room for what seemed like forever.  I took the opportunity to steal as many random things as I could from their cupboard, including these long plastic sticks with loops and tiny spoons at the ends of them (normally used for cleaning out earwax).  I used them instead to clean my bowl.    Next time my bowl was really resinated, I offered to take someone else to Health Services just so I could get more.   
  I was seeing this girl and she just loved to give head.  I mean she could probably suck an orange through a garden hose.  Anyway, one time we were in my parents basement and I was watching Babylon 5 and she starts sucking me off.  After about 40 minutes of her sweating away and her neck getting sore, I blow my load.  Of course I waited until the show was over.  I didn't want to miss any good parts...  
     Waiting for the smoke to clear and for my hearing to return, I wondered how bad it would be this new hole, in my hand?  I knew I'd just shot myself with an antique 32mm pistol, and promised myself right there and then to never mix guns and drugs, ever again?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This pizza place in Pennsylvania advertised 3 cheese.   Ugh..cheddar on a pizza. I love NY  
  When I was a little redneck kid of 7 or 8, I had a major crush on Dolly Parton. Always was a tit man.  Anyway, my folks took me to a Dolly Parton concert in Columbia S.C. ... I had made a little sign taht said 'I love Dolly' or some kind of goofy shit like that. Well, after the concert I got to go down to the stage and get her autograph and hand over the sign and she kissed me on the cheek.  I'm 36 now, and I just read an article by some stooge that claims he was Dolly's sex toy from 14 to 26 years of age ...then it hit me. Shit ...that coulda' been me.   Someone else ALWAYS has all the luck...  
  conspicuous consumption does not yeild elightenment so he tells me but everyone else is doing it i whine go go powerball        
  After being awake for almost 24hrs because of various engagements and responsiblities it was time for our date.  I had been fixed up with a beautiful Cuban American girl who did not get off work until after 11pm.  I was telling her a hilarious story about my sweaty redneck roomate when I used the term greasy spic, fully meaning to say greasy hic.  Alas, my lowbrow upbringing rears its ugly head.  
  i was out driving with my two friends ken and joey. we came to an intersection and i asked if i was able to take a left. ken piped up from the back seat "of course its a three-way!" we just laughed and laughed.  good times.   
  One time when I was really drunk I puked all inside my open pack of Marlboro Lights in a box.  I smoked them anyway.  I don't recall them even tasting that bad.  But in the morning, when you have a killer hangover and you go to grab a cigarette and see your puke all over them, and you realize you smoked them anyway...well let me tell you, it's worse then that whole "eating runny eggs with a hangover" thing by far.  
  so he turns to me and says "you know all you have to do is get some big bubble-like yellow beads and you could be Lisa Simpson"  
  My father once fired a one-hand crossbow-- from his armchair facing the television--into the kitchen, squarely nailing a huge rat, which he then finished off with a broadhead arrow.   We won the war, be it with .22 rifles over bait, crossbows, or poison blocks.       
  February 2001. Across the street from Port Authority.  Amy and I head down the A,C,E downtown stairs, on our way to a bar in the meatpacking district. With us in a yellow, plastic bag are our leftovers from Ben's Kosher Deli. A homeless man sits on the stairs of the subway.  me: "Here ya go, sir, enjoy! It's potato pancakes & meatballs from Ben's."  The man looks at the bag, then at me.  him: "Is it hot?" Picky, picky...    
  Growing up they say if you masturbate too frequently you'll go blind.  Ha.  In college (gah I said the C word) - a girl I was dating said to me "how often do you jerk off?"  I said "well maybe every night I don't know".  She said "I guess so cause you got a  nice   cock."  She was a 'Sports Therapy' major (the 90's upgrade from the PE teacher in training) and knew her muscles.  And mine.  
  While receiving oral sex from my girlfriend, I receive a phone call from my ex-girlfriend. I was at a loss for words.        
  I just got a satellite dish.  The best part about it?  The fact that I now get several hundred channels?  That if I miss a show at 8, it will be on again in a different time zone later?  Oh no.  The best part is that I can now watch old Love Boat reruns twice a day.  EVERY day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He tried to be nonchalant, so did I.   I handed him the reciept, feeling a little akward.  "Have a nice day" I said.  He nodded and grinned as he left.  Boy was that an understatement.  I always feel strange telling people that just bought a pack of condoms to "have a great day"   
  Spam in my email box:  ME POO YOU CHEW, these sick fuckers eat eachothers shit   http://www.************.com/index.html  what these mad bitches had for dinner last night is anyones guess  http://www.**********.com/index.html         
  I know that in lowbrow, when people talk about role-playing, they're referring to the sexual variety.  However, I just keep picturing D&D or Video Games instead, and have to read those moments over to really understand them.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend once asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with her.  I said yes, of course.  So we go to this abandoned house to smoke it in.  She pulls the joint out and I see that she has rolled it up in a receipt from Wal-Mart because she didn't have any papers nor did she have a bong of any sort.  I bust out laughing, thinking that this has to be the most ghetto joint ever.  I smoked it with her anyway.  It tasted like shit but it did the trick.  
  I flew across the U.S. in 1993, in the middle of the biggest Midwest flood in decades. The captain was in a chatty mood, pointing out landmarks along the way. He came back on again, telling us that if we now looked down to the left, we could see the Gulf Of St. Louis.   
  Am I fucking high or didn't payphones in the 70's give you back change.  Regardless of how high I am.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After months of visiting the brow, I finally saw how it had changed my life. At the mega-market (those clubs with gigantic jumbo sized versions of pretty much everything, like Costco), I stared at the 4-pack of K-Y, under the 72-packs of condoms (which reminded me of LaDeeFrickingLa's posts), in front of the chewable vitamins for kids.  I could not help but laugh my ass off when I saw that big (Maybe 3 litres?) can of L wen Brau beer. Nobody else got the joke... I thank this site for making my life much more than just the 9 to five boredom and dissilution it usually is.  
  One time I was waiting in line for a concert and this "homeless" woman is going up the line asking people for spare change, while riding a Rascal. You know, those little electric wheelchair things.   She gets to me and I said that I refused to give her any spare change, but I did have a hundred dollar bill that I'd give her for her Rascal. She turned my offer down.    What sort of world do we live in when hobos get around better than I do?   
  Erratic Lizard: lol..i dont understand the fascinating with watching two girls go at it, could you explain that to me?  Eudaimon: Who knows more to turn on a girl than a girl. I mean you could learn so much from watchin what turn them on and etc.  Eudaimon: It's like goin behind enemy lines.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at a friends apartment when his father paid him a visit and saw the four bras hanging in plain sight above the door to his son's room.  Three other female friends and I hung them there as an amusing place to keep them whenever we crashed at his place.  His dad just smiled a bit and said "Half of me wants to say 'Oh, Johny' and the other half wants to go 'THAT'S my boy!"  
  O.K. braille on the drive-up ATM kind of makes sense.  But why do they have closed captioning on the Spice channel?    - impopeyethes@ilor,man      ---------------------------------------- A travisty!  How can you speak against the closed captioning on the spice channel.  Until I started watching it with CC on I didn't know they had at least 10 different types of moans ranging from sensual to hard.  
  So me and my friend are at summer camp, taking place in a dorm room. Everyday I take a shower, I wear sandles in there. Never know what could be goin on. 2 weeks in, neither of us has jacked of or gotten any yet. However, we were going to get some that night. Now of course the problem is, being logical guys, we know we need to jack off before this happens. We finally decide on the shower stalls. He took the left one and I took the middle. All over the wall. I seriously had never came that much before. To this day I still remember the dorm and the bathrooms, just in case I ever end up at that college again.  
  I started getting better after that talk. It may have something to do with the fact that after the talk we laid on my bed watching Monty Python, and then she attacked me. Well, made out with me.  We didn't sleep together until after I got home from work that night. Sex replaced the other stuff, like drugs. Well, her boyfriend was the one selling me the weed, so I figured that it would be bad to get pot from him after I started sleeping with her.  Her bf lived in KC, she hated him... but he had drugs.  She slept her way through our circle of friends and was a stripper, too?  Actually, she was just going nuts her own way. She was gonna date me, but she wrecked her car and ended up moving back home over winter break. I was invited to her wedding over the summer and she called me at X-Mas.  
  One day I fed the wild birds raw corn on the cob. Boy did they gobble it up. They pecked the cobs bare. Delightful.  The next day I learned from the giant droppings on my boyfriend's windshield that birds crap in yellow as well as white. Not so delightful.       
  Made this woman jump off a cable car in SF once by using my psychic powers.  We were going down this steep hil, and she wanted to get off.  Despite all the signs saying "DON'T get off the car while it's in motion", I told her to jump.  (After all, who's gonna listen to a punk in a pinned-up leather jacket?)  She did.  And cracked her head on the street.  She got up, really pissed off, and the conductor had a laugh at her.  I'm just glad we weren't on the Golden Gate Bridge.  
  I wonder how many muscles it takes to  smirk .   
  i was just getting to know this guy, and he had commented on how much he enjoyed my banter-style sense of humor and my quick, biting wit.  we were talking about what our parents did for a living and shit.  so i told him what my dad does, and he told me what his mom does.  him: "she started this volunteer program for kids with down syndrome" me: "oh were you her inspiration" him: "no ... that would be my little sister."  god damn ... i don't think i've ever felt shittier. except for that one time when i pushed my little brother's teddy ruxpin doll's eyeballs in and broke it.  oh well  
    Once, outside of an IHOP, I ran 20 feet and slammed my head into a K-Mart sign. When I found out the news paper machines weren't chained down, I made them walk around the parking lot.       
  Drinking a big bottle of orange juice every day at work has led my coworkers to believe I am a very health-conscious person.  Drinking a big bottle of orange juice that is 25 percent vodka every day at work lets me maintain the calm to allow my coworkers to have their beliefs. And keeps me from bringing Mr. Rifle to work with me.  
  i read all of these moments, and they are extremely interesting. lowbrow is addictive. if i ever met any of these people in real life, id either shit myself with fear, or shit myself with delight. people are really open about stuff. right before i posted this i read the same posts ive read 100 times, but in a line: the one about mastubating will you write it, pad giving a wedgie, fodling themsleves, and etc. i kinda find it odd tho. if people were this open in real life, there would be no taboos.  
  My first Superbowl:  I'm way too Scottish (i.e., cheap) to buy a real ticket, so I'm sitting in the nosebleed section with my binoculars and radio.  Early on, I notice what looks like an empty seat up front, right on the 50-yard line.  It stays empty for the whole first half.  At halftime, I go down and ask if the seat is taken.  Old guy: "You're welcome to it."  We get to chatting. Him and his wife have been doing Superbowls together for 20 years.  He: "She's not here this time because she died this year." His eyes moisten up.  Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry. But don't you have friends or relations who would liked to have come?"  He: "Oh, sure, but they're all at the funeral..."  (So you actually thought that  everything  I post here actually happened?)  
  Being a college radio DJ means you have to deal with that one wise-ass girl who calls every night during your show just to say "Play Mistie for me."        
  Man, I wish I knew LaDeeFrickenDa and cheerleaderatyacrotch in person. Not for the fringe benefits, but for the stories. If these are the good ones, imagine what the bad ones are like....  
        When I was 7 we moved out of our house.  I was determined not to go.  I was going to live with my then bestfriend/next door neighbor.  So she and I hid in the bushes in front of my house.  I solmly vowed to stay with her, and not to move away.      Then, my father walked by the bushes calling my name.      He said, "Amanda, come get in the moving truck!"      I giggled, I was NOT going.      Then I noticed he carried a small box.      He called again, "Amanda, if you get in the truck now you can have a jelly doughnut!"        I ran to the truck and vaulted in.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was in 10th grade, i had this teacher who was kind of fat.  big.  he was really big.  but yeah, he was a football coach, and wore coach-y type outfits: gym shorts, a big watch with a velcro wristband, and a sweatshirt, winter or not winter. he sometimes got kinda camel-toed, and he'd ALWAYS put his leg up on a chair or stool while talking.  usually those in the first row got quite a show.   anyways, once when he sat in his chair, and got back up, a pencil was stuck in there.  kinda wedged, he must have sat at the right angle and BAM!  the whole class saw it before he did, and he hurridly yanked it (yeah, YANKED) outta there and got on with the class. for at least two weeks after that, he wore jeans.   i think he got spooked.    
  Why is American beer served cold?  To differentiate it from piss.         
  growing up, a new home was being built next to a friends house. one evening the construction crew left an unfinnished box of donuts on the site in plain view. i was the only one who didnt partake. the others shat green turds for the next three days.  
  I hate getting in my car, driving to the store, about to ask a question, only to be beaten by the guy who calls the store from his house, forcing me to wait until he is done talking.  
  A friend of a friend, hardcore green and zealot anticonsumerist, asked me to watch her 3 year old for the afternoon. I discovered the kid had NEVER in his short life watched television. He lisped, in reply to my question, "Mommy says TV is bad, they show bad stuff." We spent the entire day watching HBO, professional wrestling, war movies, and as many commercials as possible, while eating beef jerky and twinkies and drinking Jolt.  Influencing the youth of America, one at a time.   
  Some friends and I had just stolen an ornamental lawn boulder and were thinking of what to do with it. After having scant luck deciding what to do with a 250 pound igneous lump, we decided to do what we always do: put it on my friends truck and leave it for him to find in the morning. This was fun because he lives a block away and was totally clueless until we repeated the trick 5 times. I'll never forget watching from the corner as he knocked the lawn gnomes glued to his hood off with a crowbar. We parked at the bottom of his street in case he was still up, and I volunteered to run it up. Halfway up the hill I looked to the right and saw a woman staring at me out of her living room. I don't know what she thought of a really tall kid hugging a big rock and jogging up her street, but the expression on her face was beyond words. Anyways, I finally got up there to drop the damn thing in his rusty, beat up Sierra Grande. I almost suceeded in slowly lowering it into the bed when it slipped from my sweaty palms and fell the last few inches with a resounding crash. I ran back to the car and got out of there. When I walked my dog past his house the next morning, the boulder was sitting on the pavement and he and his dad were staring at a foot sized hole in his rusty truck bed. That almost made me feel bad.  
  I need to find a word to describe a woman... a physical education instructor.... who is much worse than a 'bitch,' but only just barely passes as a 'Satan.'        
  he goes off so she gave me herpes ya know the lip kind cos i ate her outta few times and she loved it like totally loved it now i dumped the fuckd up bitch after she slept with three other guys behind my back while we were still fucking like rabbets and its bin ten years im fucking married now and have a baby girl and my wife starts going off on me about why dont i eat her and how she blows me all the time and all that how the fuck do i tell her that if i eat her out she get genital herpes we both get it eventually and our next kid is fucking blind huh how the fuck do i tell her that  yikes says i thats rough  fuckin a testes it is says he and the thing that sucks the most is i would eat her out till my whole fucking face was hard shell varnished i uncontrollably look at him he smiles and flicks his tongue in and out rapidly gotta watch those quote  hey man hows it going s  endquote from now on   
  Sure, I know its a nasty habit, but a cigarette after sex feels oh-so-good.  
  This is my mum's moment really, I was just lucky enough to have been there... My mom is a pretty straight laced gal, so what happened next was not only low but totally out of left field.  she had come home from a friends Christmas party around 9pm and she was completely drunk... the first time in 23 years that I had ever witnessed... she was all laughing and stumbling her way up the stairs and into the bathroom.  about 5 seconds later I hear a thud, a big thud and a roar of laughter, so being concerned for her well being my sister and I checked in on her.... we have a pretty small bathroom and she had hit her head on the wall trying to sit on the toilet fallen over and proceeded to piss her self... she didn't remember a second of it in the morning. ahh ma, I didn't think you had it in ya   
  A local weatherman here had cancer. He was marching in the St. Patty's day parade and I was really drunk and yelled out "way to go kemo!". It seemed like a really good idea at the time.....  
  a friend reminded me of a good lowbrow moment I had - we were living together and his family had planned an intervention when his heroin addicition came to a head with getting caught stealing $$ from his workplace....I refused to join and warned him - they show up with some dumb-dick NA support guy and a probation officer (his)...my buddy is hauled off and his last words..."when I get out I want my dope" - we had just spent $500 of his former employers money on baltimores finest.  he got out 2 days later and I lied and said my gf threw it out   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am part of the lowbrow army. I went to my local foodjobber and opened a sharpie, then headed for the personal care items. I wrote lowbrow dot com on the from of every single box of comdoms they had. I figure at least one person who buys those condoms will have a moment to share.  
  Once I dropped off my girlfriend and her best friend at my girlfriends house.  On the way home, I realized that my girls best friend had left her overnight bag in my car.  I Rummaged through it and found the panties she had worn the day before.  I pulled over onto the side of the road and masturbated while sniffing them.  
  He confessed to me that his condom broke while he was inside his girlfriend - not once, but TWICE in the last week.   When I screwed her two days later, MY condom broke.   I kept this knowledge to myself. I figured they were worried enough about the previous two incidents. Why complicate things?  
  Doing whip-its in the IHOP parking lot at 3am on a Tuesday morning, I decided that it might be time for a painful re-appraisal of my life.  
  this girl was sucking me off.  she was horrible at it.  not taking any of the shaft into the mouth and having teeth on one's cock doesn't feel good.  I tried to show her how to do it right, but it didn't work.  she was untrainable.  I didn't come for the whole 45 minute session of her attempt at getting me off.   next time, I had her just cuck the head of my cock (alas, the teeth again) while I jerked myself off and came in her mouth.  I told her I was tired after my self-gratification, and she said that I didn't do all the work.  she apparently didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.  it's pretty sad when a guy can't get a decent blowjob nowadays.    
  I was obsessed with a girl with one hand for a year and a half.  She was beautiful, except for that nub she had instead of a hand.  I should have concentrated on how fucking gross that nub was.  Then maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt so badly.  You should have seen this bitch try to operate a bong.  
  We were driving along, headed back to her house. She reached over and started massaging my balls.  It felt good, so she kept doing it.  Then, out of nowhere, she pinched them.  She almost touched her fingers THROUGH my left nut.  It fucking hurt.  I almost ran off the road.  I asked why she did it and all she said was "Just to see what would happen."  I should have known there would be problems when she said the same thing after pulling the parking brake while I was driving 80 down the interstate earlier that day.  
  24/01/02  I look in my top drawer and I have to wonder...just how much leopard print underwear does one woman need?  
   Some of my favorite words (that are under-employed in general conversation):  PATINA (you can't manufacture it!), SOLILOQUY (...because its the only word ending in -quy), FEDORA (was there really a Mr. Fedora?),  PERHAPS (most say "maybe" which actually means "No but I can't say it to your face this instant!" whereas perhaps genuinely means potentially);    Some words I hate: UN-BELIEVABLE!  REALLY; LIKE; COOL; AWESOME; DUDE; (use of all these within the same sentence typically causes a frenzied search for the nearest sharp object in order to.....               I lay blame for this degradation upon Keanu Reaves (amongst others) for his part in "Bill and Ted's...."   
  they began to wrestle over the sunglasses in the middle of the parking lot. they were evenly matched- one was taller and skinnier and the other was shorter and more stout. I think I spent the whole time laughing at them. that is, right after I grabbed the sunglasses for myself.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   "It was nice sharing this ride with you" he said before disembarking, though we hadn't spoken through the crush of commuters.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  a friend and i were sitting around the back yard with the Q going along came his girlfriends friend. she was single,she asked him to set her up with some one ,any one. he said i was single,she shut up and went in side.   
  I'm not that worried about the shite kids have to read in schools nowadays - establishment driven, straight-down-the-line, banal literature.  The real problem is what they're not reading - "phikal", "walden", "mein kampf","the prince", "beyond good and evil" etc, etc...  And of course lowbrow (however I'd probably want to have only 100 masturbation stories instead of 10000).  Now give a me a dose of reality tv while i suck down a coke you corporate fuckers.  
  An I-shit-you-not moment:  I dated a model once. He and I were driving to a club and talking about reincarnation. Or, rather, I was. I said how it was rather reassuring to me, that if you screwed up this time, you can always try again. He looked at me, with frank and vapid earnestness, and asked, "But what if you're not as good looking next time?"  Hard as I tried, I could find nothing to say to that.  
  The things you do for friends. I let him suck my toes because he wanted to impress our mutual female buddy with how sensitive he could be. She didn't want anything to do with him, so she went down on me to prove to him she was a lesbian. They were both slow learners so this went on for a few months. They got married last week. I wasn't invited.   
  i just ate the largest, nastiest glob of resin ever. i am going to bitch out my one-hitter and go puke for a while.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The moment my girlfriend realized I loved Liverpool more than her -  I'm literally crying tears of joy as Steven Gerrard puts the pool in front in the Worthington Cup final against manure (man utd for anyone who can't smell).  She - "Well you sure never cried for me"  Me - "Sob sob - well you never made me this happy"  She - "We'll see about that" and proceeds to try and give me head ...  ... I said proceeds because I stopped her to watch the game ...  It's important to have priorities in life :p  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           The High School Puke story - 1 of 2   One of the greats I usually have to re-tell to new people.  I felt like shit, but dear old mom decided it was time for me to get my ass out of bed and get to school.  First period French class.  The old shrew who ran the class didn't allow anyone to leave while she went through role call.  Well, I was about ready to heave so I raised my hand for attention as I stood.  "Robert!  Taize-vous!  Une Moment!"  God, I hated that bitch.  I plunked down in the seat.  Not because of her shrill voice, but because I was about to yonk.  My buddy sitting next to me said, "Man, just go. You're white and don't look so good."  Before he could let out the "look so good." half of the sentence I opened my book bag and let go of the gag.  It was an amazing puke.  Everyone's jaws hit the floor.  I almost pass out from the purge and I can hear the Jewish Princess(See lowbrow moment: Shavinging the Nose back) in our class start screaming how disgusting.     Bitch, the contents of my stomach lining just made their way up and out like a crack military unit precision hopping into a bag.  It ain't on the floor, it's not on your gucci shoes.  I'm sick as a dog and I just lost breakfast and last night's dinner all over my french book - not something I was ever upset about.   My buddy complimented my ain.  "Thanks for not getting  any on me." Looking up with barf-slobber hanging from my chin, "Not a problem, R."  The Princess starts up again.  I'm ushered out of the class to the nurses station.  I get a nap and some drugs!      
  Smoking an L in my friends garrage with this neoraver kid and his younger brother. The younger brother turned a sick petina green and siad "I don't so feel I've got to go home." 2 feet to the door. 1 foot to go. 1/2 a foot.  He's not going to make it and we are all way to stoned and way far away to stop it. Face first into the door with a nock that would wake a god. Then slowly we watch him fall lifelessly and dissapere behind a car with the sound of his heat on the cement ringing clear. That was a hell of a blunt.   
  so  the jack in the box where i live takes forever if you go to the drive-thru and they have some shit that senses your car, which times how long it takes for them to get your order... quality assurance and all so they generally take 320495830 hours to get my order and have to ask me to pull forward a bit as to not fuck with their precious timer well lately those fuckers have also been charging for ranch dressing, the cheap fucks last time i was there, they asked me to pull forward i asked them for more ranch they said i have to pay for it which is when i told them im not moving forward so they said 'okay we'll put extra ranch in the bag for you' i says 'no i dont trust you, give it now' so they gave it to me, and i pulled forward its nice to have a bargaining chip but i hope they dont spit in my food or something   
  I just took some sort of test where it picks out my ideal celebrity match. It was Michael Bolton. Out of every horrid, vengeful, mean, karma-destroying thing I've ever done, this makes me the most ashamed. Michael fucking Bolton.  Gak.  
  I collect weapons and shit that "blows up real good". I love to go target shooting and use tracers, AP shells, and all sorts of explosive tipped bullets. I've taken lots of friends along and everyone usually has a fucking good time. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me when we're driving out to go shooting someone always pipes up and says, "Let's stop and get some beer."  Yeah, fucking right you shithole, I ought to frag your ass and leave you to the coyotes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've spent way too much time this afternoon trying to figure out if there is a difference between "fuck buddy" and "booty call".  It got to the point where I was trying to research it online, and had called a couple of friends to ask what they thought. They basically thought I should get a life.   
  my ex-girlfriend had a pretty raw deal, at 20 she was dying of patent foramen ovale, a heart condition where the hole in the heart used to breath in thw womb never closes up, in her case it had grown and a second and third one had appeared...  while these things can close over as quickly as they open, doctors had given her 10 months to live.   I was with her for five of these ten months which were possibly the most god-awful 5 months of my life so far. i spent a lot of time smoking the reefer to escape the endless circles of the mind this kind of thing brings upon a person, while she spent a lot of time with her friends. i was just thankful i was not the only person she had to help her through the final stages of her young life.   the relationship ended when i found out she was not in fact dying, the majority of her friends were fictitious and that she was the kind of girl who, not understanding why i was breaking up with her would not leave my house without police intervention.   
  the short version a girl who gave me my first bj in highschool was doing blacks at an alarming rate i bought a bunch of black capsule caffiene pills and slipped them to her you know so she wouldnt od on me her mother found the pills and the bitch blamed me instantly got a call from her mom and i told her to have them checked uot that her daughter was on blacks and i switched them to save her life two days later i am hung over and the doorbell rings i get up in my jockeys and answer the door its her mom she wants to talk wait let me put some clothes on itll only take a minute we sit in her toronado she rubs my leg and tells me how mature i am for my age smelling mrs robinsons sexual frustration and knowing her willingness to do her highschool daughters boyfriend i let her go to the point that there was no mistaking her intentions then i told her what a whore she was and i would tell her husband walking into the house i noticed my sister staring out at me through the window i thought man that totally fucked up a perfectly good hangover         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was five, my older brother accidently broke our teacup poodle's neck by spanking it off of the couch.  The next day, the entire family rushed to the pound and replaced it with a used wiener dog.  I was so happy. I played with our new dog for hours, until it crawled underneath the coffee table totally exhausted.   Like a midget army soldier, I crawed in after him and began to smile at him directly in the face.   Apparently, the little wiener didn't like that too much and quickly began to use my nose as a chew toy. I screamed so loud, our dog had a heart attack and died later that evening. I don't even think we had time to name him.  2 dogs in 2 days. I just love dogs.         
  A recent Limbo moment reminded me of when I used to do some contracting work at a local watering hole.   The bar had just recently converted over to automated dispensers for their liquor and the clear plastic tubing carrying those beautiful nectars ran under the floor joists on the main floor.  One day while working in the cellar, my boss and I installed a spigot onto the whiskey tube and for months afterward had an unlimited supply of good 'ol Canadian rye whiskey. It was a shame the place was torn down before I could recoup the shitload on money (in free whiskey) I'd spent in that place upto then.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Elvis Presely was a pimp for Marilyn Manson.   That was a Factiod people.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a girl once asked me, "why can't my period just last one day?"  and I answered, "Sitting over a bucket hemoraging to my death appeals far less then a pack of tampons and a week of dirty underwear. but that's just me, i dunno."  she ended up ammending her statement.   heh.  
  I'm a firm believer in always having a pair of large, aviator (or state cop) style sunglasses on hand or on face, much to the amusement of my friends.  Sure, they make fun of me constantly for it, but then two things happened that sealed them as my constant companion forever:  1. Got pulled over going 110 in a 55 on the way back to the college after lunch.  I was honest and said I was late for class.  County cop (who are ALL out for cash) let me go with the line, "I like your glasses.  Keep those on and we'll forget about this.  Get to class."  2. Walk into an exam twenty minutes late; my prof wouldn't normally let me start on it late, rather, I'd have to take it another day for a reduced grade, but speaks of my "cool shades" and hands me the test.  What's lowbrow about that, you ask?  My sunglasses just allowed me to be a serious danger to the general public, not to mention break three school policies in one swipe.  I wonder what I'd have to wear to get away with murder...  
  I just dropped the lid to my listerine in the toilet.   ...then I put it back on the bottle.  What do I do now?  
  I was at a German Restaurant trying to read this menu that was completely in German. Im english and have no idea what any of it says, so i reach over to the side without looking to tap my girlfriend on the shoulder to get her to translate what it says.   I then notice, "hmmmm her shoulder feels too soft to be a shoulder". I then look over to find im poking her breast with both her parents looking at me like im a complete lunatic.....Germany rules.  
  i hope yer eating while reading... on the bus, riding home from school (first grade).  i looked at the end of my finger.  what appeared to be a booger was staring back at me.  i did what every rational first grader would do. i ate it. it wasn't a booger.  it was ear wax. that's not the grossest part.  after i swallowed, it immediately occurred to me that i hadn't been picking my nose.  my next thought was "i haven't been picking my ear either." in first grade, i ate someone else's ear wax.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How long before its ok to kiss a girl again after she vomits? I'm thinking never.        
  i was fucking my boyfriend; i'll admit, i was a little rough. suddenly, the strangest sound escaped his ass. it was rather loud, and it made me pause a second. not wanting to point out his flatulence and ruin the mood, i began thrusting again. he had a strange look on his face, and i was desperately trying not to start laughing hysterically while continuing to fuck him; keeping a straight face was difficult as well.  finally, he spoke up. "what was that?"  holding back a chuckle, "i thought you knew."  uncomfortable pause  "pull out a minute?"  i did  the condom had broken  morale of the story: never forget to pinch the tip. release of built up air (from any source) can be rather awkward  
  As he walked away from his food dish, a strand of tinsel half exposed from the orifice below his tail, we knew that Spikey had been playing with the Christmas tree ornaments again...  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  she and I crammed diagonally into the front seat of a ford ranger. Blissfully using my tongue to bring her release. Admittedly thinking of the remaining payments on her truck she says " Do you smell something burning? " I'm oblivious She again " Do you smell something?" Still not hearing her, like an episode from the Simpsons gone wrong, Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. She again " Do you smell something burning?" I'm thinking what did she just say? She taps my shoulder " I think some thing is burning."  Shit something is burning I think. The cigarette lighter had jammed and was trying to ignite the dash.  Alas the moment was lost.  I hate her truck.   
  I wonder if I suddenly decided to stop whoring and instead, live a life of celibacy, would I run out of low brow moments?  No, I guess then I'd just have to talk about shit...literally talk about shit...like everyone else.  
  At the movie theater, waiting around with 2 cokes & a popcorn for GF who is in washroom. Some how end up talking to cute female staff member, her namebadge has her name, and favourite movie (far more info than i need). She starts making fun of me (in a fun, flirting manner), stating that my 'friend' does not in fact exist, im just making it up, and im just going into the theater alone, but didnt want to look like a loser.  Then my gf shows up, and we walk in. --  I wish i had been making it up, she was cuter, and had less upper lip hair.   
  I was hoping that my new bed made out of milk-crates would look "funky" and "bohemian". It doesn't, it just looks pathetic.  
  I laughed out loud as I watched my brother do a handstand in the pool the other day...  Yes, it was funny because he is a man...  Even more so because we are in our mid twenties...  Mostly because it was 2pm on a Tuesday, when most guys our age are working...  
  The next time someone asks me why me and my fabulous boyfriend of 11 years are not yet married, I'm just going to say it: "Because I just cannot give up pussy."        
  Bathroom diary #7  Sometimes I will spend a little too long in the men s room and when I get back in the office It s real obvious were I ve been, so now I just hold up my fingers for the proverbial 1-10 rating system,  A long one is usually an 8 or 9 I just can t seem to acquire a 10 at work    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I enjoy drinking bottled beer more than I enjoy drinking beer out of cans. My bottled beer I keep in the fridge (my visible beer). But when I'm drinking by myself in my bedroom I tend to drink cans - 'cause that way I can crush them & hide them in my cupboard, then sneak them into the bin when my flatmates aren't around. That's my invisible beer. Denial - it's not just a river in Egypt.  
  Really now, if you're going to skanky enough to throw your cigarette butts off your balcony, grossing out all the neighbors who have to pass through the mess on the way to their cars, at least have the sense to put the top up on your convertible. If we're going to take the time to sweep up some of the mess, we're going to have to have somewhere to dump it, you know.   
   Love YOur Neighbour #1  We have a wonderful, 1/2 acre lot, right in the middle of town, but it's tucked away in an alley, and quiet. 'Cept for our neighbours. We hear them sweet-talking each other all hours of day and night. Like last week, when I heard them out in the yard, him yelling: " I don't want to lose you, you fucking cunt! " I looked out, but they weren't actually in the yard. They were in their house, is how loud they were. I stop my van in front today, and talk to the woman. She's doing a brake job on their car. Me: "Hi! Heh, your buddy with the blue truck and the ooo-gaah horn?" She, coldly: "Yeah?" Me: "He drives too fast, up my alley. My boy plays there." She, colder: "Yeah, and you ride up the alley with your boy on the roof of your van." Guilty as charged, 'cept I do it at 5 mph, and he hangs on tight... Me: "Yeah, but I'm his dad, so I decide if that is safe or not." She: " Fuck you! " Nice and neighbourly, like I said. By this time, her guy has arrived, looking like an ugly, unshaven, muscular hangover. He could easily rip me apart, so I get out of my van, and stand quietly in front of him. Me: "Next time you see him, could you tell him he has two choices if he ever does that again?" (It's good to ask a question, because then the ball is still in your court when they answer.) He: "Like what?" Me: "Either I call the police..." He: "Yeah?" Me: "Or I cut his little pecker off." Time for a pure-death staring competition, good. He flinches first. (I really don't know why it works so well, but 35 years and counting since I've last been hit...)  
  Celery soda.   A friend of mine drank this last night.  Celery.  Soda.    I'm going to have to reconsider my relationship with her.  
  Merriam-Webster.com has pronunciation aids that are links to an mp3 recording of someone saying the word.  Thinking it would be fun to hear them curse, I started looking up dirty words.  Turns out that there are two pronunciations of "shit" the first, more obvious 1-syllable version.  And the other even more lowbrow, trailer-trash "shee-it".  
  Okay, if he makes another lewd comment like the one about the French Maid outfit, I'm GOING TO DO IT.  I'm going in to his office, I'm gonna close the door, and I'm gonna confront him, and tell him that if he really *is* attracted to me, he should just say so now, instead of repeating things in from of others that could get him charged with harassment.  And that, if he continues with the lewd comments, I'll have to start grabbing *his* butt.   I wonder how my boss would respond  if I actually did *that* to him.      
  Once when I was a little kid, I shit my pants at school, and had to take my underwear off in the bathroom and try to clean myself up the best I could.  I didnt have anything to change into, so I just went the rest of the day without my underwear.  The funny part is that I was scared and didnt know what to do, so I threw my undies behind the toilet in the bathroom.  I had forgotten that my mom wrote my name in all of my clothes, including my underwear.  I went back the next day and they were gone.  Nice surprise for the janitor.  I wonder if he checked to read my name?  That would suck if someone, somewhere knew that I shit my pants once back in 2nd grade.  
  am i the only one who thinks the feeling of a q-tip in your ear is damn near orgasmic?  
  Ah yes, finally the thick sack o bud is gone, dusty shake and all... but YES there it is, a glob of dried resin, bong-scraped a month ago, put away wrapped in paper 'cause I knew I'd want it eventually....  Anyone can be a pothead, but being a GOOD pothead, now that's a talent...   
  I used to have a dog named Ozzie, a purebred Maltese (cute little bugger, about 3 lbs of flesh and 5 lbs of fluffy snow-white fur).  This dog had a stuffed neon-blue monkey for a chew toy.  This toy had a tiny hole in its seems right at its crotch.  One nice, quiet Christmas Eve, me (17), my brother (13), and my parents are in the living room watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' when Oz trots in, drags the monkey from his toy basket, throws it infront of the television, and begins to fuck it doggy style.  Dad, my brother and I cheer him on while Mom yells at him reproachfully.  Oz stops mid thrust, stares a Mom a second, snorts, and continues his dirty deed.  Merry Fucking Christmas, indeed.  
  Sitting in the church pew on Sunday, watching the fit man sweat and talk about being saved and being rightous...       And realizing that my fourteen year old girlish mind is picturing him fucking me against the stand in front of everyone.  Hallelujah.  
   There was a child. Most others saw him as nothing, he had few friends, none of which were well liked either. Contempt without having done anything, perhaps because he wasn't purebred WASP like the other kids, maybe his accent. Maybe no real reason at all.  There was a boy who fought almost everyday, for himself, for his few friends. As time went on it drove him too far. He would beat another bloody for just saying hello to him. Always suspecting behind any smile was some horrible trick or word waiting for him. He was always in trouble, though he usually didn't start any.   The was an adolescent who was mad. At the world and in his mind. He hated everyone who wasn't his friend, burning to hurt and maim. His days were spent either with a friend or alone. His nights spent by himself, lifting weights and punching cinder block walls to Ministry, GNR, and Megadeth. Hate, hate, cold and hate.   A sophmore, who took down seniors twice his size in phys-ed, not caring how big someone was. All the others were soft to him. They felt pain, they could be hurt. He was stone, when winter came with blizzards stronger than any in years he walked out to lunch in sleevless shirts without a coat. His face was expressionless but he laughed at how others shivered, wrapped in thick jackets. He wasn't heartless though. If a girl was short on money for lunch he would lend her some. Before the end of the year the school kicked him out after a dubious psychological test.   A senior, returned from reform school but with no belief that any college would take him now. He began to thaw a little, but not in time, he met a wonderful girl when his blood was still cold and missed his chance. He scraped by in everything but phys-ed, where he went to the weight room everyday. There most went to lounge around, and girls went to watch the guys. They watched him too, but as a freak. He didn't rest or stop, he was only 145 lbs. but stronger than he had any right to be. Sometimes he would spend the whole class doing endless sets of push-ups on his fingers, never slacking no matter how badly his body became exhausted or his muscles burned. He ate the pain and asked for more. He spent the prom night putting an exhaust on a Chevelle. He spent graduation night driving alone while everyone else celebrated.   Some time later, after walking out on a mindless labor job and finally giving community college a real shot, he sees how much he's missed. He doesn't hate the people he went to school with anymore, atleast not like he once did. A little jealous perhaps. He never had a girl to love, and his best friend since he was 4 years old no longer speaks to him. But he sees through things, and people, which most cannot. He can stand without need of allies.    In the long run pain can bring strength. A sword cannot be strong without first being beaten and tempered. Sometimes he wonders if others would have traded all the parties and young love and good times for his strength, his spirit. Afterall, they planted the seeds for it.  
  Girls....if you ever meet a guy with a dick the size of a baby's arm...KNow your limits. Having your brain poked is not a comfortable feeling.  
  ATTENTION WOMEN: If you wear a low cut shirt and no bra, men will stare. If you don't like it, don't dress like a slut, and for chrissakes dont slap men for examining the merchandise you put out on the shelf. ...My face still hurts from this morning...  
  So boss, about your new janitor...  In the morning, we were downstairs eating our complimentary breakfasts, and he comes in to get some coffee.  He looks at the TV and makes some stupid remark about the dodgers, and trips on the coffee machine cord.  It teeters on the edge of the counter so he grabs it by the base for some reason, which causes boiling hot coffee to slosh out the top onto his forearm.  So he yells, "Ow, fuck!" and jumps back, letting go.  So now the coffee machine falls completely, tipping forward towards him, and belches steaming coffee all over his legs and shoes when it hits the floor.  I tried so hard not to laugh in front of him, but I had to.  He tried to act like it didn't hurt.  Poor bastard.  Kind of.    And then later that day, he's sweeping the office floor and somehow knocks his trashcan over and ends up getting it on his head.  I don't know.    
  That summer...  I'm working my first nine to five job in a while.    A typical day: get back to my little apartment at five thirty or six, exhausted by a full day of doing nothing at all.  Flop down on the bed, bask in the sunlight, unzip my pants, and fondle myself till I come, or fall asleep thinking of cock.    At seven thirty or so the phone rings, we arrange to meet somewhere, and the day really begins.  Of course, this means the day is only four hours long, and two of them are at night, but that seems right somehow, since the two hours at night are convenient for fucking, and that's a priority anyway.  Fuck myself in the afternoon sunlight, fuck him four hours later in the ambient light of a nighttime city apartment.  That summer.  Never have I had so much sex, and half of it was with someone other than my right hand.  Halleluja.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So a bunch of us are at a music show here and it's a great time.  Everyone's energetic and rarin to go.  So my friend comes out of the girls washroom and proceeds to tell me that somone pissed all over the floor and her shoes are soaked in it.  I say "I don't believe you".  she takes off her show to have me smell it, but what do I do?  I lick it.   Not once mind you, but three times.  And swallow.     Worst case of diptheria I've ever had.  
  remember when the dogs teeth are a couple inches deep in your leg no matter what you think of mans best friend its time to kill the dog period        
  At work I sit on DSL all day.  The coffee shop has DSL.  My best buddy has DSL.  I have DSL.  My chikkie friend has DSL at work.  In order to keep my lowbrow fiending at a minimum, I plan my day between these places.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my boss said that caspia smells like rotten crotch.....   
  so there i was, waiting to plead my case for a speeding ticket. and up to the front walks this couple. a young boy, about 14 comes out of the jail part of the courthouse. the judge discusses with the couple (who were the boys parents) the charges against him: stealing a stereo from a neighbors house. the case is dealt with, they move on. the couple stays standing before the judge. a young girl, about 15 comes out of the jail part of the courthouse. this is the couples daughter. she is charged with selling fake crack to an undercover cop. her case is discussed and the couple still remains up front. a woman in her 30s steps out of the jailhouse. she is there for drug possessiom and endangering a minor. she is the wifes sister. at this point just about the whole court is snickering at this poor couple, whose entire family seems to not only be in jail, but must have all been arrested in the same weekend. see you on jerry springer folks.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After having 9 beer bongs, he sat there with a look of determination on his face.   He twisted and pulled at the top of the bottle but it just wouldn't open.    I kindly pointed out to him that you need a corkscrew for a wine bottle.   
  Sometimes, I get bored easily. This seems to happen when my ex signs onto AIM.  So, when I am really bored, I will message him and tell him I want to hook up with him again. He will get really excited and make many declarations of love. I tell him how much I miss him and how I never stopped loving him.  Then I tell him I have something important to tell him. Everytime, he will say "what?" And everytime, I tell him "You are a stupid sack of shit and I would never hook up with you again."  Then he signs off instantly.  Then I do it again next week.  
  all hail tyger keeper of our sins microphone on the podium of our lunacy collector of all things human and a dammed nice guy to boot                                               
  I remember in college, eating garlic bread maybe once a week. The particular brand in question was cooked-in-bag somewhat like rice.  Changed one night to garlic bread wrapped in cellopane. I just threw it into the oven cellopane and all. When it was cooked I took the  mess out, realised my mistake, but just peeled the cooked plastic off and eat it.   I'm immortal you see. Nothing can kill me...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A few months ago I took leave from my boring Air Force desk job to go home and visit with the family.  Sitting at the dinner table eating steak, I couldn't help but remember what I had done on that dinner table just about a year earlier. My mom asked why I was laughing, but I couldn't bear to tell her.  What's more lowbrow, fucking a girl on my mom's dining room table, or having to answer "what's that stain on the car seat from?" the day after fucking a girl in her car?   
  At the elementary school the urinals were scaled to size.  Reflected in the shiny chrome fixtures my dick looks huge.  I feel a strange sort of pride.  Everywhere should have low urinals, if only to boost morale.   
  Ive worked with her for years. Last night the circumstances were just right, her apartment building had an electrical fire and she needed a place to stay. One thing leads to another and we have sex. so cute little sandy gets out of bed last night and while getting up lets out a big ass fart. she looked mortified. I looked at her "did you just crack a rat in my bed?" I'm so classy.  
  On a long trip home for the holidays, I found the best way to keep my brother from babbling racist things was to buy him food.   For example, a sandwich.  It had pubes in it.   Pubes from the floor of the floor of the truckstop where I bought the sandwich.   He ate trucker pubes. And he thanked me for them, the racist pube eater.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every time I brush my teeth I thoroughly examine my toothbrush first, looking for dingleberries, smelling it, just to make sure my roommate didn't stick it up his ass.  Thank you, lowbrow.com, for making me paranoid.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         damn she was cute long dark hair, nearly black eyes and light skin... gorgeous... a tattoo of a treble clef on her arm... a beauty that my eyes had not seen the likes of in years... she even looked to be about my age. my mind raced. what should i say? do i smell ok? should i ask for her number? maybe her name? perhaps how she's doing? finally i got the courage and said "a medium number one, to go please" i'm such a pussy  
  What's with calling the strip of skin between your ass and nutsack the taint? And the "nacho"? Man. You guys suck. The correct name is "Yosh"...pronounced like Yoshi, that green dinosaur from the mario games.  
  oh i am bursting at night --- listen, you can hear the web of skin splitting. i am crying at night. i am crying at night.  listen, it is no mistake that Elliot Smith's album XO is exactly 44 minutes and 44 seconds long. that was planned by some higher-up at the record company who knew my suffering always last exactly 45 minutes, and therefore i am left hanging. i am left crying.  i know, now, why i will never be one of the old bearded poetmen, starving and famous : i have no friends named Carl.  wasn't Howl written for a Carl Solomon? and Miller's Tropic of Cancer also written for a Carl? My friends all have unimaginative names : Justin, Cris, Lisa, Michael. i am dying at night, splitting and the web of my skin contracting in plenty of time for the morning to come.   
  i muttered something in disgust as i pulled up to the bar to wait for some  quoteworkfriendsendquote in hopkington ma husserl says the tender a youngish dood huh says i existential phenomenology says he ok so im freaked not only to be suddenly chatting about my favorite branch of philosoph but to a phd whos a tender in this toothless old mans pub a crusty at the end finally speaks up as we start a gig about situational ethics we can shut the kid up if you want says he damn the sheer velocity of a soft newborns face on the hot pavement of the banal once again shocks me burbon please        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we went on dates to the mall and ate at Boston Market. At night I tried to suck the suburbs out of him. His blow-jobs were lousy.    
  Wife is in bed, so Im surfing porn. In a Yahoo chat room, trying to convince the 15 year old girl with a webcam to show me her tits. Streaming porn site open in the background, with some chick sliding a dildo up her ass.  A noise from the other room. Quickly exit all open windows, close Yahoo and sign out, exit everything.  Open lowbrow just before she gets in here. Her comment? "Are you still looking at that stupid website?"   Me: "Yep."  
  after a good drinking session...we went back to the hostel (rather living complex for us "sports-persons") and chatted up some of the women. noticing that it was now 3:00am in the morning...the same time i am writing this...and quite chilly (seeing as i had no jacket while everyone else was VERY well covered), i proceeded towards the gates of the complex and removed my t-shirt and pants.  i waited patiently for the night trafic...preferably government officials...and as a three car escort approached, dropped my uderwear, bent down and well..."mooned" the oncoming traffic.  hmm...two thoughts...man am i GLAD i don't live in this city and...two, it's quite cold...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Well, I wore the kilt to work today in celebration of "peace & diversity" day. A lame ass excuse for MLK's holiday.  It is a big hit, only all the chicks want to know what I have on underneath.  If I weren't at work I'd show 'em......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I have a term for when i am irritated... "dirty dickhole", when I am pissed off, I say something like "You fucking dirty dickhole!"...   This started because my roommate CANNOT stop scratching his crotch.  It is CONSTANT, and he looks at you and talks to you while he is doing it, like it's nothing, and I never see him wash his hands.  I had the thought that he must have a really "Dirty Dickhole" if it itches that much, or he has friggin termites in there.    Microscopic remnants of his "Dirty Dickhole" are now all over the apartment... on the doorhandles, the TV remote, the fridge; everywhere.  He also shits with his bathroom door open all the time.  The grossest shit is he will sit on the couch and take a knife and start cutting off the solid chunky bits off the bottom of his fucked up feet...   And he thinks it's gross that he has seen me pick my nose.  I at least wash my hands.  
  i was staying in my girlfriends dorm room untill i could land an apartment. her room was on the fourth floor, and the closest mens room was three floors down, so when i woke up in the middle of the night having to pee, i would piss into a pot and then carefully pour it out the window.   the dorms computer lab was directly below on the first floor, and apparently there was news of large puddles of urine being discovered in front of the windows by the morning cleaning crew.  yuck.   
  I got hammered last weekend. First time I've had Alcohol poisoning in years.  But.  I subscribe to the wisdom that "every now and then you need to go out and get really fucked up, just so you know why you shouldn't".  Wise words.  
  I had a vision, a vision of grandeur I was going to create the best plate of nacho's and cheese known to man ! with warm nacho chips, 2 differents kinds of cheese, tomatoes, green peppers, jalapeno ( jolly penis )peppers,i had sour cream and salsa as well.. in my mind of course  open the fridge and cupboards and sigh  i ended up eating broken up aco shells and cheezwhiz  
  My mother and her girlfriend had a party recently for all of their 40 something friends. The next morning, she discovered gummi bears from the snack table, lined up un the back of the couch in compromising positions.  Jesus guys, grow up!   
  Laughing because my family's dog slipped on the cheap plastic cover on the staircase and tumbled all the way down.  My mom glares at me and says, "Stop it! The dog KNOWS when you're laughing at him!!"  
  an if he makes that tshtshtsh sound  you know that fucking annoying sound that people in offices make when you ask then an incredibly simple question but they need time to wake their fucking mtv numbed brain the fuck up and actually put a sentence together but cant so they go tshtshtsh one more fucking time you moron and i swear that before i breathe another breath i will extract your entire tongue with my bic in one lightening quick jab and rip see there hasta be a god cause everytime i go into a nic-fit and make a silent pact with myself for unadulterated carnage the parameters are never met phew would have hated to ruin his garcia tie        
  I can recall once thinking what if a situation arose where my dog and my (now ex) girlfriend were both about to be struck with a car and I could only save one.  The only reason he lost is that I wasn't fucking him.  Sorry boy.  
  I hate my boyfriend's parents. They claim to be devout Christians, but I know that they're both the devil's children. They're homophobic and against anything that is different from what they "are". I thought it would be funny to sign them both up to daily pictures of lesbian/gay gothic/sadomasochist anal raping type of porn. I felt much better after doing it.   
   Why Can't We All Just Get Along?  Nick Kristof, writing in the NY Times about the gulf of misunderstanding between Americans and Arabs: This gulf reminds me of my very first conversation in Arabic, just after I'd moved to Cairo in 1983 to study the language.  "Ismak eh?" asked a friendly-looking neighbor in my building, and I was thrilled that I recognized that he was asking my name. "Ismi Nick," I said, beaming. He flinched, turned pallid and stepped back. In a barely audible voice, he croaked out his question again: "Ismak eh?"  Unsure what had gone wrong, I stepped forward and thundered, "Ismi Nick."  The man fled. ... Oh, and the meaning of "Nick" in Arabic? It is a verb meaning to have sex, but it's even more vulgar than its English four-letter equivalent. And "Nick" is the worst possible conjugation, the command form.   
  I knew it was going to be trouble the moment she made the bet with me. "whatever he gets, i get double". She wanted to shake on it. So we did.  "He" was in reference to her new boyfriend (her ex being my best friend of over 12 years).   The new boyfriend was also a friend of mine.  After a couple of shots of tequila, they hooked up,...and then immediatly after we did... twice.  Later on that month I told my best friend.  I know what that says about her, but what does that say about me?  
  On the highway there was this GIANT sign on a gas station that proudly proclaims "WHOLESALE LUBRICANTS" n the hugest letters. And immediately after the gas station is this billboard for Special Olympics with this retarded kid running while wearing a baseball helmet, and at just the right angle all you see is WHOLESALE LUBRICANTS with a picture of the happiest retarded kid you've ever seen running as fast as he can.   Ahh, classy.  
  twenty twenty twenty four hours ago i want a piece of date bread   
  It started out as a commercial thing, but before long we were making out straight through the simpsons.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's a Hindu method of putting your face in a bowl of water and pumping the water in through your nose and down your throat.  It's supposed to do a lot of things, like clear your sinuses and put you in touch with this or that god or whatever, like all Hindu stuff is supposed to do.  I had this book by some swami with instructions and warnings, etc.  Anyway, I tried it back then when I was into that shit, being a hippie and all.    The fact that I'm here to post about it right now is directly attributable to sheer luck, as I nearly drowned, having aspirated about two cups of water which I quite fervently and faithfully inhaled through my submerged nose.  That Hindu group of god's must STILL be laughing about that one.    
  You know that you have a void in your life when you have to play "Pull my finger" with God...         
   I bring home toilet paper from work every day.       
  Flipping through the mail on the table to see if there's anything for me, I notice an envelope with a handwritten address. Glance at it, it's addressed to my dad; claims there's a "repair kit" enclosed, and the return address says "Inflatable Friends."   I spent a while after that banging my head on the wall and shuddering.  
  In the dark hours of the morning while zipping along the PA Turnnpike I was being tailgated quite closely. And he his headlights were quite bright. I reckoned it unsafe, and punched the accelerator to approach the outer edge of the acceptable speed envelope. The bastard was still on my tail! The road was pretty empty. What kind of sick fucking game was this asshole trying to play? Finally, I rolled down my window, stuck my arm out and thrust him "the Finger". "That'll teach him!" About ten seconds later, his red flashing lights and screeching siren pierced the silence of the road. But this time, it was his arm out the window waving me to pull over. The State Trooper swaggered up to my window and said: "Son, if you ever wave that finger at me again, I will fucking break it off!" And it was only 5:15am!       
  I told her that I was abused as a child for the sympathy value.    I should have told her that they used to call me "Lassie" in fifth grade - woulda worked better.    
  ultimate lowbrow moment: on the way home from denny's the other night, boys were talking about how weird sex organs look. my boyfriend referred to a vagina as a "hideous clam beast". i dont know if i should let him get away with that.  
  To err is human; to forgive is bovine.  
  I lost my girlfriend due to her fear of closeness.  We got back together about two weeks later, after we both came to the conclusion that the other was the best we've dated in a very long time.  I lost my job the next week. She left me again a few days later.  I finally have a job two months later. It's one of the best jobs I've had. The girlfriend? Possibly the most wonderful woman I've dated. She has someone else now.        
  Work fucking sucks. Thats about as clear as I can be on that matter. All of the little things that irritate you, all of the little ideosyncracies of your co-workers. Before you even bring the customer into the situation I'm pissed off. This is the downfall of office jobs. You leave everyday looking for kittens to run over and little old ladies to trip. Personally, I just need something to hit. Something big and sturdy. Something faceless and kinda soft that I can beat the living crap out of. And possibly a screaming room. And hookers. Hookers would help. In an hour lunch break, one could get thirty minutes of really angry sex, leaving half an hour to shower and have a sandwich.  Arrrrrgh.  I think possibly that my morals have been offset by my anger at The Man.   Get back to me later.   
  I read a post where some guy said he only lowers himself to come here to read about people less worthy than himself, to discover the depths to which humanity will sink so he can feel so much better about himself. Honey, that's what family reunions are for, not lowbrow.   
  i just drank a martini, alone, at 1am on a tuesday.  i did it mostly for the olive at the bottom.  Oh vodka-drenched olive, treasure towards which I am eternally running, beacon of light in the darkness of freshman year, how can I sing your praises to the fullest?  how can I make my love for thee truly known?  
  I've just come back from papering the not so savory part of town with flyers announcing a huge party with FREE BEER tonight, at the crazy neighborbitch's house.  Seeing as how she's a hair-trigger freakout and a religious nut, I can't wait for it to get dark.    
  At the cd warehouse with my ... loved one, listening to cd's.  found one that knew he'd like, tapped him on the shoulder and mouthed "listen to this".    took off my headphones, and handed him the cd.  he looks at me and rather loudly replys, "What your butt hurts?"        
  Yesterday you handed to me a bag of keys. Keys unlocking doors i never knew existed. Doors of my body, my mind, my spirit, my life. Doors of you.  Doors of me. Doors of life now open to me. I'm happy I'm scared I'm sad I'm anxious I'm hesitant. I am enlightened. And I thank you.        
  So, I have been talking to this 18 year old girl (6 years younger than me) for a while now. I had met her in a yahoo chat room, and at first she was a total bitch to me, and thought of me as an asshole. So, of course I had to prove her wrong, and for some reason she still talked to me despite how she viewed me. Anyway, she had only had one boyfriend her whole life, and at the time was still with him. Well, she was a sexaholic, and always talked about how he couldn't keep up, blah, blah, blah. Well, after a while she broke up with him, and confessed that she had a crush on me. So, we went out a few times, and still are. Well, this past weekend she gave me what is the best blowjob I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing......it was magical. I didn't know that a tongue could be moved in so many ways & hit so many spots.........and when it was done I just thought, "That kid is going to be so sad when he realizes that he will most likely never find a girl who can give this great of head."  
  sitting on the pedestal in my black skirt, he told me i should be in anime porn.  closest a line has ever come to working on me, that was.  
  Nothing to do at 2AM since the crazybitch moved from next door and I haven't found anyone new to torment yet. So I went to the 24 hour WalMart and got a cart, put in big knives, a gas can, some rope, and a pair of gloves.  Then I followed this disgustingly fat woman all over the store, stopping when she did, moving on when she did, staying about 10 feet behind her the entire time. Once or twice she looked back to see if I was still there, and I did the really obvious looking up at the ceiling and whistling innocent Who Me thing.  I've never seen anyone that fat move as fast as she did, loading up her Pepsis and Doritos into her car, while I stood just one car over and stared.  Hot fun in the summer time.  
  I was away at school and my boyfriend of 2 years was coming to visit me for the weekend.  Unfortunately, I had just hooked up with a guy the night before the bf was to arrive.  And, even more unfortunately, I let the guy give me a big ass hickey on my neck.  I was just asking to be caught......or was I?  So instead of meeting my bf outside at the front of the dorm like I usually did, I had my roommate bring him up to my room....where I was lying in bed, in the dark, naked.  I put on the best "I've-missed-you-so-much-i'm-so-hot-for-you-fuck-me-now" routine that I even impressed myself.  The whole time I'm telling him how much it turns me on when he sucks on my neck in that one certain spot....you guessed it, the hickey spot.    And, yes, I did pull it off.  After we were done, I walked over to the bathroom mirror, and in my most innocent and naive voice, I cooed, "Awwww, look what you did to my neck, silly!"    I'm such a bitch.  
  Jury duty summons. First off, they summoned me for Superior Court and U.S. District Court service simultaneously.Second, there was a misprint on the guidelines page in the dresscode section. "No plastic sandals, halter tops, miniskirts, skorts..."  ('SKORTS'??? What the hell...? Must be a misprint for 'shorts'.) The court system's recorded message read "skorts" aloud, too, without missing a beat. Not only did I have to do a lot of running around and explaining stuff on the first day of my jury duty gig, I also had to worry about getting busted for unknowingly wearing "skorts", whatever they are.         
  My Great Aunt Cam didn't want the guy who has always made the family's headstone carvings to die or stop his business before she died.  What did she do?  She had her gravestone made.  It's in the cemetary next to the other Shores.  No deathdate.  We had this eighty-five year old lady with a stomach aneurism ready to blow who smaokes and drinks more than me lay in front of her tombstone in the cemetary with a cigarette in her hand.    My family is classy.  Sure is.  
  once i accidentally walked in on my roomate while he was taking a crap and he had a used piece of toilet paper up to his nose and was sniffing it.  he said lots of people do that.  i don't.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm talking to my girlfriend via AIM, all the while browsing lowbrow.  I get a Limbo moment that I think she'd like, so a quick ctrl c ctrl v later and she's reading away. (The hunting moment, for the curious)  she:  aww poor deer she:  Annie sounds kinda like me ha ha  me: Yeah, but Limbo isn't anything like me, except for the talkative, storytelling, and charming part.  she: you aren't charming! she: you're a jerk to everyone!  me:  but in a charming sort of way!  Sheesh, after five years I guess I shouldn't expect her to let me get away with such an outrageous claim, but somehow it's never comforting to hear from your girlfriend that you are a jerk to everyone.  
   Dry Spell  I really was in a dry spell, and I was getting worried that if it didn't use it soon, I might lose it. So I reluctantly allowed the company owner's flaky wife to set me up. My expectations were low, so I was surprised by the slim, interesting beauty who showed up. She quickly got around to telling me that her husband had left her for another man. It wasn't as bad as it sounds - he'd left her for the Dalai Lama. He went East to do an article on him, and never returned. Neat lady. I started to get enthusiastic. I offered to drive her home, of course. Walking across the parking lot to my shiny brand-new Celica GT, me: "Eh -- I should probably explain about my car..." She, in a sarcastic sing-song voice: "I know -- you turn 40, you get a red sportscar." I  do not  like being summed up in a sentence, but it was just one sentence. I tried to sell her on the car's finer points. Me: "Eh -- this car saved my cat's life last week. I had to drive to the vet's at 120 mph, or she would have died." She, still sarcastic: "Oh  that's  why you got it!" Jeez, does she maybe just have a mouth that she can't control? I was rapidly going off her.  Then , she got pissed when I didn't walk around to unlock her door first. I just pressed the remote on my keychain twice, got in, buckled up, and she was still standing, waiting for me to reach over and unlock her door. I lowered her window and said that her door got unlocked at the same time as mine. I guess sniffy, snippy tie-dyed broads who drive 1970's righteously-polluting Volvos are unaware of modern cars and their etiquette. She also seemed unaware of modern car interiors. When I inflated her lumbar support for her, she shrieked. But she calmed down, enjoying being hugged by a real bucket seat, and even enjoying a little bit of G-forces. Pity it was going to be the last time she was in my car. She still seemed enthusiastic when I cursorily dropped her off. As I drove away, leaving about 5,000 miles of tread in two black parallel lines on the road in front of her house, I patted my Celica on the instrument pod, saying: "There, there now ..."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The Lowbrow Nobel Prize  If there were ever a Lowbrow Nobel Prize, it would have to have something to do with shit, wouldn't it?  Like if somebody ever won a Nobel prize for shovelling pigeon dung, that would qualify, wouldn't it?  Too late.  In 1963, Arno Penzias and Bob Wilson were working at Bell Labs in NJ with a sorry litttle radio telescope, trying to get rid of excess noise. No matter where in the sky they pointed the damn thing, the noise stayed absolutely constant.  They figured that the pigeons roosting in their antenna were the problem, so they grabbed a couple of shovels and cleared them and their dung out.  When they got back to the lab, the noise hadn't changed. What in heaven could be the source of an absolutely constant signal, from all directions?  Just the Big Bang, is all. They had confused pigeon shit with the echo of the birth of the Universe.  To quote the Bell Labs web site: "Scientists acknowledge that the discovery that Penzias and Wilson made was one of the century's key scientific advances."  Said Michael Turner, a well-known cosmologist at the University of Chicago who recently gave a talk here, "The discovery of the cosmic microwave background by Penzias and Wilson transformed cosmology from being the realm of a handful of astronomers to a 'respectable' branch of physics almost overnight."  Lowbrow boys and girls: We're  experts  in this field! Start your shovels...  
  I like to watch my wife put on her bra.  
  Once when I was little, I was filching jelly-bellys out of the little scoop-it-yourself-er at a local grocery store. I forgot what made me spill em, but some of them spilled on the floor. An old man down the aisle saw me and came over. I thought he was going to tell my parent or the police or the store manager. Instead he told me to eat the ones that had fallen on the floor. In a rare moment of courage, I pelted an old man with jelly-bellys.  
    Couple Of Monsters!   Sitting in a public restroom stall, in Washington DC, listening to the inhabitants of the next stall: Small boy: "Daddy! I'm all done!" Daddy: "Good -- let's see. Ooh, a couple of monsters! Let me wipe your butt..." I told my wife that story a long time ago. Fast forward many years. Recently, I've been living on Imodium and plain bread, for like three days, but I'm finally starting to get better. She's kind enough to still let me use the house. I sit there for about an hour, then finish up and pull my pants back on. Before I flush, I want to reassure my wife that I'm getting better, finally.  I open the door a crack, and say to her: "Ooh, a couple of monsters! Want to see?" She smiled weakly, and declined...    
  I thought everbody knew this one, but I just did an extensive Google search, and hardly hit anything. So, anyway. Excellent LowBrow joke. Fancy company has a party and rents the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. (Yeah, I know...) Late in the evening, somebody notices a wallflower standing by himself by an open window. He walks over. Guy: "Hi! Keeping to yourself?" Wallflower: "Oh, hi. No, I'm just examining the wind patterns here. I think I have them figured out. If I took a running jump out there, I believe that the updraft would lift me back up and eventually deliver me back here." Guy: "Eh, can I get you a drink? Would you like to come back to the bar?" Wallflower: "No. I've made the calculations, so I have to try it!" Before the guy can stop him, the wallflower takes a running leap out of the 112th floor window. Guy gapes out, and sees wallflower hovering in the updraft, then slowly rising back up to be deposited in the window again. Wallflower: "I'll take that drink now, if you don't mind." Guy: "That was fuckin' amazing! Think I could do it?" Wallflower: "Sure. Just run at it so you get about fifteen feet out quickly, and you'll be back here in no time." Guy slugs away at his bourbon, then launches himself out the window. Several seconds go by before the inevitable, quiet splat. The bartender comes over, picks up the empty glasses, says: "You wanna know something? You are one mean drunk, Superman..."  
   My mother wakes me up and asks me if I know who Theo is. I know this isn't good, not after what I did to him  last night.  Had to go to the local Cop Repository to talk about a possible assault charge. Female cop made things easy. Afterall a punk who would threaten to beat up a 90 pound girl deserves whats coming to him. Who cares if I made him cry.        
  on a little "birthday weekend" trip to montreal with my closest friends, and that beautiful city has so many 24 hr fast food places- its MADE for late night drunks such as ourselves. we stop in to a pizza place and order up a few slices. its this cute little place with a counter thats open to the street. this obviously drunk guy sits at the counter with a meal and promptly passes out completely, head smacked down on the counter. a group of punk kids walks by at this very moment and one of them stops the others and proceeds to point out this oppurtunity to the others. they swiftly rob the man of his pizza slices and soda, and give the rest of the restaurant a wink before taking off. i wonder if the guy eventually woke up to an empty plate thinking he had passed out after a nice, satisfying meal.  
  sitting at denny's at 2 am one weekend.  i finally give in to my friend's arguments that his girlfriend should enjoy having him cum on her face. "the girls seem to love it in all the movies i watch" he argues i got sick of trying to convince him otherwise, and finally admitted that we do yes.  it DOES make us feel sexy, chris.  and it sure doesn't sting when you get it in our eyes.  and it sure tastes great... later that night i ended up fucking him in his parent's house. oh well.  i may not be a porn star.  but as long as he's cumming on my face, i can't get pregnant....  
  i was sitting here examining my huge erection and my mum decided to pop in.  
  I think best friend I had in grade 11 was Lester, my metallic blue plastic piggy bank that I dragged around by a piece of twine.   Those were the days...   
  We decided to be honest, so I told him I had slept with someone else.  I guess I had figured that he was going out too.  Turns out he wasn't, and now I have to let him fuck me up he ass.  
   Computer Dating 101  This was back in 1975, so we were true pioneers. My Dutch buddy Mark Verkerk (e-mail me, you bastard! You are the best friend I ever had!) and I came up with the idea of creating a questionaire to match people up with their perfect dates. We thought up wonderful questions, like: "Do you like to take walks at night, under the stars?" Knowing crap about computers, we enlisted the help of Luke, an openly-gay computer major, and he designed the program, which was a piece of crap. He could't figure out a way to process all 30 questions without tying up the IBM 360 for days, so he only matched five of them. The rest were dummies. (Ten years later, I could write a program that would do the whole thing in 30 minutes, even on that old IBM, but that's just the advance of Computer Science.) The fee he demanded was that he be allowed to fix the outcome by matching his current crush with him, even though the guy requested a female. We set it up as a "Computer Dated Disco." Everybody who turned in questionaires got a numbered tag, which they were going to wear and wander around, looking for the number of the date that had been assigned to them. I couldn't wait to see what happened, especially when Luke met his assigned crush. The dance got cancelled, because of some student activism, so we offered everybody their money back, OR the name of their match. 500 people had filled in the questionaires, and NOBODY asked for their money back...  
  I used to work at cadburys, a huge chocolate factory that made items ranging from fudge to chocolate to  sugar.  My job was to pack the fudge into boxes. i was a fudge packer.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Flaming Hot Cheetos are very spicey.    Each bright red Cheeto turns my mouth hotter and hotter. Not eating more is even worse because it means i have been defeated.    I feel a great acomplishment while throwing the small empty bag away.  The Flaming Fire mascot of the Cheetos stares from the trash as my mouth reaches peak burning level.  No I do not reach for a drink to soothe my tongue...I Piss on his smiling flaming head.        
  2 weeks ago my girlfriend decided she wanted to try the bench press machine in my basement. So i put on 70 or 80 lbs and got behind her to spot her. She lifted the bar above her head, but was to scared to bring it down, in fear it would crush her. So i whipped out my unit and layed it on her forhead. She bitched and moaned, but couldnot let down the bar. I left it there for a good 2 minutes...  
  Can 'Let's just be friends' mean 'I'm freaked out because you got me off by just kissing me'?  
  i thought about the ad that i would have put up to attract my former love interests. It goes something like this:  SWM looking for SWF who likes to pretend they are going out so that you can use him for your transportation necessities.  Yeah looking back I have a wonderful knack for choosing mates.  
  So does anyone know where I can get a toilet bowl that is mirrored on the inside?  Sometimes when I wipe my ass after shitting, I'll check the paper and rather than a narrow streak, about butt-hole wide, there will be shit all across the width of the paper. What the fuck is up with that? I thought it all came out one place, no through my pores.    Sometimes I just want to see what the fuck is going on down there.  
  There's nothing like hearing your 65 year old professor explain his bad day by saying 'Do you ever have one of those days when it seems like you're just bending over and asking "Alright, who's next?"'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         semen leaves a calcium stain (Club soda i say to those of you who make a mess all the time.) Those white stains on some people's teeth. they are born with them. it's a calcium stain too.  just something to think about.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Typical Porn Store Interaction #5   Me: You've got a late fee of $4.00.  Scumbag Customer: No, I don't.  
  I had a follow-up interview at one of those megahuge warehouse stores. I arrived on time and sat, unacknowledged except for them asking my name, for over an hour and a half. So I left, figuring if they treat you this shitty when you're just applying, they must treat actual employees like real bog sludge. Truth be told, it wasn't really a job I wanted so much anyway. But it didn't stop me, on the way out, from poking holes with my swissarmy knife, in quite a few dog food bags.  Stress relief is where you find it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         married....  have a 3 year-old....  wife's pregnant....  i masterbate a lot   
  I felt like a pirate.  Here we were, off the shore, a mile and a half out, divvying up 5 pounds of mexican brick weed someone carried across many states on a beat up old Kawasaki, splitting hairs over the waves.  "They're choppy, I'd have to say."  "No, its definitely smooth."  "Looks kind of clear at least."  "Smooth."  "Regardless, its fucking cold, and anyone in their right mind would NOT dive to the bottom to retrieve their father's cell phone they dropped in the drink."  "Touche. How the fuck am I going to explain this one. Hey dad, I was offshore for a bit trying to play bumper boats tag with the drunken coast guard as they escorted us to the fishing boat to sell pot to a bunch of high school kids, when I leaned over and lost your cell phone you lent me."  I peered down again, thinking how cold it was, and gave up. We went back under the awning and precariously balanced more plastic-wrapped building blocks of dense shrubbery on a scale, taking polaroid photos to remember senior year.  "You think we're ever going to have a crime syndicate?"  "You mean like that game, Syndicate Wars, or a syndicate like breaking kneecaps.."  "Kneecaps."  "No. I wouldn't imagine so. I think they're rather selective about the level of intelligence of their teams."     "Fuck you, dude. It was a long step to the boat."  
  Man.. when I was a junior in High School, one of my teachers asked me if I had ever been so sick, that I vomitted and shit diarhea at the same time.  I said no, I didn't think it was possible.  He said he knew someone in college who did that once.  I was kinda weirded out and told him that was interesting.  Two weeks later, I had diarrhea, then I decided I was done, flushed, and got off the toilet, just to turn around and kneel to puke.  Just as I shot chunky vomit into the toilet bowl, a steady stream of shit came out of my ass, all over my feet.  I swear, my teacher was some kind of witch doctor.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Hey LaDe,  When clean, leave the vibrator in the nightstand underneath the pile of see-through nighties. (Easy reach.) When dirty, leave it on the nightstand so you remember to wash it in the morning.  
  i applied for work at a gas station near my house once.  having seen all the people that work there, i figured if all they were looking for was a bad attitude and a glazed over look in the eyes, i was in.  they didn't hire me.  the next week i was pumping gas at the same gas station.  i went inside to get a candy bar.  came back out, got in my car, and drove off with the nozzle still in my tank.  ripped the hose right off.  i bet that's one decision management is proud of.  
  I flew to Vegas this spring to see my ex from college.  We had furious sex for the first two days.  For the remaining three we just fought for all we were worth.    It was the greatest.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was warm One of the 1st days of spring I was talking to my best friend on the phone, and decided to walk around a park near my house while talking to her. It was so warm And so pritty I laid down on the soft green grass And talked untill she had to go. I fell asleep Not too odd But i was awaken by a 6ft man With Carharts and camo on Almost no teeth  And a beer bottle in his hand. "Nope, she's alive" all he said and then he turned and left. I felt sorry for him If i would of really been dead He would of gotten his 15 minutes of fame Guys like him only get there minutes if they A)find a dead body or B)See a UFO I thought about that and laughed.  Now i only sleep at home  
  Have a friend that was going to a new job.  First day, they tell her there's a drug test (note: the place is a music store...run by musicians).  She says sure.  They tell her that they bring out a suitcase and she must correctly identify every drug in there.  She's been working there a couple of years.  She might actually have posted about this.  If she did and you've read it (however fucking unlikely that is), in the words of the most prolific poster known to the brow:  sorry  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We smoked out with my sister, despite my warning her that we may need time alone afterwards. We sneaked away to fuck behind someone's tent in the middle of the day. Looking up from her orgasm she looked right into the eyes of a father driving up to meet the group. I wonder if he knew what was going on? Funny how cum blends into a tent stuff sack when it dries.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember back in the day when boys would rent movies when they wanted to try to get me naked.  Now my boyfriend just turns on Law&Order.  I used to be worth $4.  
  at my high school, there is an online filter to keep me from looking at pornographic websites and www.lowbrow.com. it will not allow me to view it. but i am typing this in while on a computer in high school.  i found a way to bypass their filter, for i translated lowbrow into german, then into english.  so the grammar is off big time. but i can still look at lowbrow.  
  Before my husband and I were married, I used to be very untrustful. Not neccessarily of him but of other women. I hated the women he worked with, and his female friends. I was deathly jealous because of my own insecurities. Then I went to college and made a lot of friends....a lot of Guy friends. So he became insanely jealous for a time. We both calmed down and I began to realize my fears were really very dumb.  But then I think of all the things my Guy friends and I used to talk about and also realize that if I was capable of that, then I had a DAMN good reason to be jealous.  
  Her: "I just started back on the pill so you can't come in me right now."  Me: "O.k. where then?"  Her: "Anywhere, preferably all over me"  On behalf of the entire heterosexual male population of the human race, thank you Lord for blessing us with women like these.  
  DWPKOTLFTGITBMSAMTT Deep Wet Passionate Kiss On The Lips From The Guy In The Black Mini Skirt And Matching Tube Tip  Oh God I Think Im In Love        
  On a two-week camping trip, and one night my husband doesn't return to our tent. Tell-tale sounds of apparantly interesting sex from our supply tent right next to it, however.  He's all grinning and smirking the next morning, and I finally extract from him who exactly she was. Then I punch him in the arm.  "You bastard! I saw her first!"  
  I used to have a pair of suspenders that I picked up at a truckstop in Baltimore. They had a leather patch on the back that said, "Long Haul."  I loved those suspenders, but I lost them. Now I have a pair that looks the same, but the leather patch says, "Honcho."        
  I took a quiz online that says im 80% lazy. For awhile I wondered what 20% of me was NOT lazy. Then i remembered, oh yeah, my right hand and forearm  
                                             It's hard to look manly when your sitting in your boxers  with a bunch of friends playing strip poker   with a girl wearing lots of bracelets and a smile  
  I got home from the three day trip, grabbed some tissue paper to shoot my load into, and plopped into my computer seat, clicking up my porn collection. I put the tissue down, then looked next to it and saw two or three olde tissues, bunched up, rock hard from the dried jizz they contained. I laughed my ass off and threw them away. Man I'm a slob  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For weekday breakfasts I make a smoothie of yogurt, banana and coconut milk. For weekend breakfasts I make a smoothie of yogurt, banana, coconut milk and vodka. The weekend version isn't as healthy, so i have a few.   
  I hit reload again and again looking for my moment. Finally, the random generator gave me my sugar. I read through it and noticed a typo.   Began dammit! Not begun.  Frustrated again.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I saw the movie Titanic with a friend a few years back...and I bawled at the end...(I'm male, and was 16 at the time)...after the movie, I asked my friend what he though... ...he said it was good, except that 'this dumb bitch next to me wouldn't stop crying...' he didn't realize it was me... and i never told him...  
  I was in the kitchen with my mother, she was making her sweet bread that whe has been know for in our family for years. She made the comment that the smell of the bread, as the yeast was rising, was one of her favorite smells in the world.  What makes this a lowbrow moment?  Later that night, when i was jerking off, i realized that the smell she loved so much smelled exactly like my sweaty balls.  
  so i was at my friends house the other night when his grandma stopped by. we were eating something or another and i guess i had something on my face. his grandmother replied "oh dear, you've got something on your puss"  i didn't know what to say, so i said "excuse me?" She walked up to me and was like "you need to go wash your puss." I still had no idea what she was talking about so i just played dumb. She then walked up with a wash cloth and 'washed my puss.' i guess where shes from your 'puss' is your face. i thought it was kinda funny. that's all  
  Making videos with friends while drunk is pretty fun, until someone dives face first into a fridge, and loses their tooth.  Then it gets a lot funner.  Especially if you bring the video camera to the hospital.  And even better if you film your injured friend stealing a sign from the emergency room wall.  I love college.  
  I was at Dairy Queen, trying to give my order, but I could not decide between two different flavors and ended up combining my two choices in the regrettable phrase, "I would like a Reese's Penis blizzard.        
  She said I had offended her,  and her religious beliefs.  I still say  that she is going to lose her virginity  in the back of Bob's baby blue Jimmy   jeep whether she sees it coming or not.   Gosh,   how romantic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "This looks like a little bowl.  I wonder what it could be used for..?" my dad inquires after finding the bowl to my metal pipe.  I contemplated telling him "I smoke cannabis sativa out of it.  Do you see the thick residue at the bottom?  That's called resin, which is more or less concentrated tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC.  The THC enters my blood stream through the porous cells in my lungs after inhalation.  It then enters the brain, altering delicate chemical balances in order to make life take on a more mellow, relaxed, and meaningful attitude."   I told him "uhhh, a couple Cheerios?"   Wrong answer.  
  nothing feels greater than just letting yourself go and moaning like a porn star.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was sitting in my room today, when my throat got really dry. Both my dogs were in here, so I checked on them (both poodles). I got a drink of water and then I started looking at one of my dogs. He look at me straight in the eyes for about 5 seconds. Then he shifted his view to my crotch. Then to the door.  I got the point, and let him out.  
  Once at my friends 17th birthday party we all had a little too much reefer. So what did we do? Piled into his pickup truck and went to the local store (wallmart) and decided to have some fun. They had a little quarter operated merry go round outside. So we popped in a few quarters and rode it for a while. Then feeling a little giddy we all got around it hoisted it up and placed it in the truck. We later went to his house and completely dissmantled it. There was only about a buck more in the coin thing than we put in so a few of us took a horse or duck depending on what straw we picked. I still have that horse in my attic.  
  There's two types of liars in this world.  Those that say they have never jerked off....  and those that say they have quit.  
  I like to encourage kids to go to college, then again, there are some kids that I like to encourage that they'll never make it in college. Sometimes I think about becoming an elementary teacher so I can tell some kids that they aren't very smart so they will do bad and not get into college. Why you ask? Because I like McDonalds and I like Taco Bell. If all kids are smart then they all go to college and then they all get good jobs and they won't want (or have to) work at McDonalds to make money. A world with out Big Macs...think about it. Scary.  
  My nephew who was about 3 or 4 at the time had his first lowbrow but very vindicating momment in a local grocery store.  We were next in line and the lady infront of us at the checkout was complainging and almost screaming that she didnt have I.D. but need smokes and needed to pay with a cheque that looked as though it was writtin on a napkin...she went all out for the cheques.......in the middle of the rant my nephew who calls me Dee Dee, says really loud for all to hear "Dee Dee, that lady is a bitch!!!" I couldnt believe the correct way in which he used the word, hell half of my family cant even spell their own name. so I told him that no she wasnt, looked at the lady and smiled.... Got the car and gave him candy.....hard day at the office for the little guy, you should see him pick me up women!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was this time, 15 years ago or so, where my brother and I were sitting in the living room, and we heard this:  bum bum bum bum bum bum (sound of someone running up the stairs to the second floor)  SLAM! (sound of someone slamming the door of the bathroom at the top of the stairs)  PMPH PMMMMMMPPPHHH PMMMPHPHPH!!! (Sound of farting, replete with chunks and fluids)  My brother and I realized that my mother had torn ass up the stairs, ran into the bathroom and immediately started producing high-grade gravy. We laughed our asses off, and we talk about that to this day.  Mom taking a shit. If that isn't lowbrow, I don't know what is.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were going to the (local) amusement park.  My mom was driving, and I was about 12.  We were all joking about saying something mean to the parking attendant.  Me, my two brothers (both older) and my mom.  After paying for parking, the attendant says "Enjoy your day at Canada's Wonderland!"  To which my mom replies nastily "Don't tell me what to do with my day!!!"  I guess raising 3 boys on your own can warp a woman's sense of humor...  
  I once had a cock ring.  I loved using it. Sex was always better with it.  I left it sitting on a table in my room. Totally forgot about it.   Until my sister was sitting in there, using my computer.... playing with it.  I never told her what it was when she asked.  I never used the cock ring again aither.  
  so there was this guy who my friend geoff wanted to bang, so we went to his office to find out his last name so we could email him, and hook them up.   me, being the secret agent i am, tiptoed into the office to try to find out. and... the motion-sensitive light goes on. and the guy who shares an office with him comes out and sees me writhing on the floor. talk about embarrassing.  which just proves my point, i was not born to be a secret agent  
   Ok so I was on vacation in Panama City, FL... I go to my cousin's place and hang out he rolls a joint (i dont smoke) lights it and passes it to a 12 yr old little girl (no relation to her). She takes a few good hits and blows it out then hits it hard again... turns around and blows it into her 2 yr old little sisters face... the 2yr old then says, "I smoke pot! I am so high!" Then their mother looks at the little girl and says, "Don't say that! That is a bad thing to say!" Is it just me? Or are some people really retarded?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I didn't know what a douchebag was. I mean, I knew plenty of assholes who were aptly described by that name, but I didn't know there was an actual physical object (other than the plastic disposable type that aren't, of course, BAGS) that chicks use to freshen up their coochies.  (INTERLUDE FOR A RELEVANT JOKE: Q: WHY DOES MISS PIGGY USE VINEGAR AND WATER DOUCHE? A: 'COS KERMIT LIKES SWEET AND SOUR PORK. HEH)  So anyhow, when I found this rubber bladder/hose arrangement in the bathroom closet, I naturally assumed it was an enema bag. So I used it as such. Gave myself a nice refreshing colonic irrigation on the spot.  And I kept on doing so, about three times a week, if not more. Didn't clue into my error, not even when Mom started walking funny and muttering something about a "ghastly infection."  Eventually, I figured it out. And I should have stopped. But by then, I was hooked.  
  So I was dating this guy and we went to his place to watch movies. I had to use the restroom as he showed me the way. My curious eyes glanced around the room as a young woman's eyes do. Kinda examining everything like in the commercial where the chick is snooping in the dude,s bathroom and the medicine cabinet falls and breaks? Anywhoooo... I walk out of the bathroom which is connected to his room.. I look and I see a bunk bed. A god damned bunk bed! I think okay maybe he has a younger brother that he hasn't mentioned.. uhhh wrong his brother was 24 and he was 26!!! They fucking slept in a bunk bed TOGETHER!!! I stopped dating him after that.. First thought top or bottom??? Jesus Christ!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         today I told my girlfriend that my computer comes before she does (deal is, I've been playing computer games every day of my life... about 5 hours a day... since I was 2 years old... I'm 18 now)... and I date ALOT of girls, have more fun losing girlfriends to my computer than actually keeping them around :)  as soon as she told me "I understand... and don't have a problem with that"... she began to mean more to me than my computer  funny how thing work eh?  
  My mom and her fat friend had the nerve to bring a guy home from the bar and kinda mess around with him in the living room, where I was trying to watch TV.  They were so fucking annoying.  I went to my room to go to bed.    That asshole left during the night and stole all the money I had left in my wallet that was on the coffee table.  Thanks Mom    
  I was at camp - a very awkward girl of 9 - quiet, shy. Anyway, there was a girl, even dorkier than me that everyone hated. She stole my ping-pong ball while I was playing one day. She was taunting me and I was suddenly filled with rage so when I caught her I choked her on the ping pong table. I don't know why Everyone hated & was scared of me after that. She suddenly had boatloads of friends.  I ended up with a reputation and a complex that someday I could kill someone without meaning it.  
  My roomate is always bitching because I get a drink and leave my glass where it is. Through the day I might use a total of 3 glasses. Now I just get a drink and put the dirty glass back in the cupboard upside down.   Now there are plenty of glasses for everyone.  
  This is my 2ed post here.   Ahem, this week I some J.W. came to my door. I opened it and they said they wanted to talk to me about my soul and the whole blah, blah, blah. I looked at them for a moment and said. "I just talked to the all mighty not five minutes ago and he said nothing about y'all. I think you better watch out before he puts a lightning bolt up your butts." They  walked off very fast. I was thinking of drawing a outline of a body on my porch with fake blood and copies of the Watch Tower tossed around it. I wonder if that would work? He, he!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know what's pretty low? I'm lucky enough to have a job that doesn't require me to be at work before 10:00AM, but for some reason, for the two years I've been here, I cannot be on time. I'm always at least 20 minutes late. Except this morning. This morning I was two HOURS late. And the only difference is that people say "Hello", not "Good morning" when I arrive. Do they just not notice? *Sigh*  
  One time only, I tried outside help to stop smoking (the other 10-20 times I've stopped I did it all by myself).  Motel room, twelve customers (mostly middle-aged), and one travelling hypnotist.  He gets us to lie on the floor and proceeds to hypnotize us. I've never been hypnotized before, and it's very pleasant. I allow him to suggest and direct me, and I can tell it'll make a difference.   It's nice to lie there and drift off to the rhythm of his persuasive voice:  "I no longer want to smoke cigarettes." "I no longer want to smoke cigarettes." "I no longer want to smoke cigars." "I no longer want to smoke anything."  I sit up, open my eyes, call timeout, and say loudly: "Stick to tobacco, will you?"  I guess it's true that hypnosis cannot force you to do something that goes against your true nature...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I took 14 shots of Jack Daniels and got in my car to drive around for a while.  The only reason I drove is because my battery would discharge by the next morning if I didn't take it for a spin.  Man was that interesting.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)              Most of our actions are based on millions of years of evolution.  The reason most men want multiple women is because it helped our ancestors' chances for survival.    Now if you'll excuse me, I have to club the office boy with a large tree branch.  
  I just finished a project at work that entailed writing banner ads to increase soap opera viewership.  F1 "Ben will use anything to try and win Carly's affection."  F2 "Even Mitzi."  It doesn't get any lower than that. I'm so ashamed.  
   He used to collect offbeat lines from old black and white movies; toughguy character wisdom.  One of them went "Ya know, a cigar don't care who smokes it."  Never did get that one.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Har har har. Me and my girlfriend are eating fried seafood at some crappy restaurant and I buttfucked our waitress a few months ago. My girlfriend pays and gives her a  really  generous tip because "she was so friendly."  Har har.  
  I saw my roommate walking down the street so I pretended  to hide behind a trash barrel, leering out at him in a sinister manner. Nope, not him. Just some scared looking guy, back tracking quickly across the street.  
  Lounging against him as one of my bestfriends sat across from us, talking happily, we rested at the local gym.  His arms were around me, and he was intently rubbing crotch, all the while conversing with her.  I wonder if she noticed why I looked so happy, despite the fact that he was leaving that day.  
   The Epicenter of Hippy-Dippyness #2  One of the most beautiful, interesting women I've ever met. So I offer to make dinner for her and her kids and bring it over. I ask for an hour in her kitchen to get everything ready. I lay the table: six different Thai dishes, toned down for rookies. I invite them in. Kid: "What's this?" Me: "Sweet-cooked pork, with fish sauce. It's irrestible. Try it." Kid: "You eat animals?" (You bet, kid. And later tonight I'm going to turn your mom into an animal and eat her, too.) They were Vegans, which she hadn't bothered to mention. They ate my rice, at least...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           When a storm took down half a tree in the front yard last year, I cut it into 7 foot logs and carried them behind the shed. Then I broke all the branches into fired wood and finished cutting the logs.   When spring came my father payed to have the rest of the tree cut down, and shredded. He also payed for them to shred all the firewood I had made. My mother asked him why the hell he did that, and what we would do if Y2K knocked out the heating.  "I'll buy some firewood", he replied. I hate that idiot.        
  The woman in front of me at the mini-mart was buying an anti-diarrhea medicine, maxi-pads, and giant size garbage bags.  I kept my distance.  
  what the hell were you doing in the ocean, with a bag of frozen peas, well informed of the aggressive feeding habits of the native fish?  
  "The wedding's off!" she screamed emphatically into the phone as we settled our bill at Denny's.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just read the greatest moment.  Some chick wrote that the party sucked, and she didn't get to drink or end up naked.   Then I looked and realized it was my moment...  
  Okay, so I was driving down a major road in Indianapolis the other day, and for once happened to glance up at one of the billboards inhabiting the side of the road.  It read:  AVOID HELL REPENT  TRUST JESUS NOW  Damn, when did Jesus get so pushy?  I mean, what is he going to send his bookies after you if you don't trust him this very second?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i must admit it. i feel great regret when i accidentally doubletap the reload button, and catch but a snipit of a fury440 post before it is resigned back in the annals of lowbrow. regret as in i skip the next four or five moments to punish myself.  
  I was with my friend Courtney at the mall, and she dragged me to the comic book store because she knows people who work there.  While she was glued to the manga, I looked through Lenore, Gloom Cookie, Oh My Goth!, etc...  When suddenly, Courtney says rather loudly: "Hey Bill, I don't think this issue of *insert name here* should be on the all ages shelf, there's an ass-rape scene in it."  All the little grammar school children buying Yu-Gi-Oh cards look up, along with their mother's...  I just calmly walk out and sit down outside...  
  So I'm in philosopy class where we write these arguments and then pass them around to other students to grade them.  I used the word "thwart" in a sentance and it came back to me with a comment next to it saying 'spell check or not a word'  Kids today..bless their ignorant hearts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Late one recent evening of scotch-sipping and beer, about 6 six of us were competing with each other over who had the craziest grandmother.  "When I was about 3, I witnessed with my grandfather my grandmother purposefully hurl herself down a very long, outdoor flight of wooden stairs.  Broke her leg.  Looking back now I can guess she was pretty drunk."  Silence and wide eyes told me I had won.   
  I informed my girlfriend yesterday that the cat had pissed all over the bathroom counter.   She asks, "How do you know he did it?"  I respond, "Well I know I didn't piss all over the counter did you?"  She then erupts into a moment of "Oh yeah, I'm retarded" laughter and continues to laugh her ass off for five minutes.  And I'm having a child with this woman?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Pussy-Licking 101   (I already know that you're going to read this one all the way to the end, so I'll just have fun...)  Sports bar. Playing pool well, or horrible. That's got nothing to do with pussy-licking. Playing with my married buddies, 'cept they're not actually married, and she's a little heavy for my taste, but has titties to  die  for. I lose, and sit down at the bar, challenge some young fuck for his girlfriend.  They both laugh, and buy me a beer. Out of control, as usual, but that's got nothing to do with pussy-licking. The couple dissolve into each other, and I'm on my own, with no money for another beer. Kristen (the one with the big titties, yas): "What are you drinking? I just lost at the table." She buys me a Molson. I love that woman! Me: "Did you see all those young morons, staring at those two dykes in the corner?" She: "They're not really dykes. They can be persuaded..." Me: "You're bisexual!" She: "You bet!" We have an extended conversation about pussy-licking. Me: " The thing I love more than anything in the world, is to grab her ass in my hands, and then dive into the fur and stay for hours. " She laughs, and agrees. Some guy who thinks he has a chance with her comes up and starts talking. She's a great woman, and could obviously handle him herself, but I'm having too much fun. Me: "Yo, buddy! We're having a conversation, here!" He: "What you talking about?" Me: "We're talking about pussy-licking. She's a dyke, you moron!" He leaves. She and I giggle ourselves stupid...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the bar last week, my friend asked me what had happened to her cigarette.  I lifted up my arm, as I had been unknowingly leaning on it for the last few minutes, without feeling the slightest burn.  But i did have a nice long burn mark. I woke up the next day, only to find a second burnmark on the inside of my upper right arm.  Still don't know how that happened, but I can only assume that while I was dancing with the same girl whose cigarette had burnt me earlier, she must've accidentally burnt me again.  And i still didnt feel it.   Now I just want to test how far this'll go.  How much pain can i have inflicted on me while i'm drinking, and still not feel anything.   I think I'm gonna go drinking this weekend and find out   
  The worst part about having a shitty birthday party is when your only entertainment is your drunk father, acting like a dumbass, is passing out shots to your little 11 year old brother's friends.   Man, was that a party.  
  on my way to work, riding up the escalator. not really paying attention to the girl and her grandfather in front of me --  until i got towards the top and looked up. Looked up and saw this chubby 12 year old girl in a tank top with her big belly hanging out and baby blue sweat pants with the letters J U I C Y across her ass.  
  the best porn e-mail i ever got had the subject "NASTY FLEE-BITTEN WHORES TAKING IT DEEP!!!?!"  
  Frank is 49 years old.  Never been married, has lived in New York all his life.  He had a chance once, but that is long gone.  Frank is neat, clean, sad.  All he's got is the diner, and the diner has gone bad.  It used to be fine.  Businessmen, construction workers, cops would have eggs and coffee.  Then the neighbohood goes bad.  And goes from bad to worse.  Pill poppers, whores, junkies, dopes.  Day in and day out, hustlers and evil men.  Brokedown people, and Frank doesn't want to help them.  They stink.  They fuck and shoot junk and nobody gives a shit about him.  Or his diner.  He worked hard all his life.  7 to 7 every fucking day.  He gets Christmas off.  He lives in a small one bedroom apartment that is very clean and organized.  But, it's not safe.  No where is safe.  All those people, and not one of them is worth a shit.  John, maybe John.  But even Johnnie doesn't like him.  He tried so hard, but it's the diner that'll have him.  Until it kills him.  
  I can't get enough of the word    POONANNER    Seriously.    
  Nothing burns faster or smells worse afire than pubic hair.  I learned this when my stepfather, who was championship drunk, thought it would be fatherly to demonstrate the ignition of a fart.    Long story short: backdraft.  His yelling and my laughing arroused my mother (from slumber) and she emerged in her bathrobe in time to see her husband training the dish sprayer at his blistered scrotum and asscrack.  Thanks for listening. Jim  
  Sitting in a shithole taco stand in Weedpatch, California. The shitty outdoor table is made of badly faded fiberglass with a huge plastic umbrella that once was brightly colored. While waiting for my order of greasy-assed rillenos to appear, I survey my surroundings:  Tumbleweeds in the ditches, gum and cigarette butts on the ground, oil stains all over the parking lot that make it look like Exxon Valdez just wrecked in the handicapped space. Screaming, grungy, snot-nosed kids being yanked along by mothers swearing in Spanish, looking for all the world like sweating rhinos. The graffiti on the table has many of those indecipherable Mexican gangland scrawls, and a couple of obligatory  Fuck you 's carved into the ancient fiberglass tabletop. I pull out my pocketknife and carve  lowbrow.com:  and after that, I carve,  LaDeeFrickinDa, I love you!   
  A few years ago I started dating a girl who'd had girlfriends, but had     never been with a guy.  A lot of men dream of bagging the much lauded  Bisexual Virgin .  But consider this - your  partner has just spent the last 10+ years being pleasured by only herself and other women. No pressure, guy, but you'd     better be waaaaaay up on your hand and mouth techniques.   
  I ate half a big bag of those "Flamin' Hot" Cheetos about three hours ago.  My shit is a bright red-orange and, yes, it was flamin' hot on the way out, too.   I know I should have learned my lesson during all 4 bathroom trips, but DAMN do I love those things. I can't wait to eat the rest tomorrow.  
   So I have this friend that brought me some pie to work today. I walked in, and it was sitting there on my desk.  I have never enjoyed a piece of pie so much in my life! Seriously, it was the best pie I have ever eaten!  I started following her around asking her if I could eat more of her pie...  I hope noone sends me to hr.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          good breath is like an oral handshake.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Social studies class. Studying the Opium War. In an attempt to help us relate to the topic, the teacher asks us what we think would happen if cocaine was legalized.  A boy says: "I think it would only stay big where it's popular now, in Hollywood - there's like an inner circuit of coke addicts there."  A boy says: "I don't think anyone in [our suburban town] would use it, but it would probably be really popular in the inner cities."  A girl says: "People wouldn't use it, because they know it's bad for you."  Jesus fucking christ GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!  
        he ranted to the crowd at the t stop in central square about his daughter about how his his wife cleaned out his life savings after crushing his heart how his family disowned him cos they believed her lies lies lies he screamed  he calmed a bit and looked into me asking how much more he was supposed to take i knew it wouldnt be much     
  Ever had someone take a festering dump in your car?  I have...  Driving back from prom, I got stuck driving my buddy's whacked-out girlfriend home. The girl was beyond drunk.  At one point during the ride, she gets this big, shit-eating grin on her face and starts babbling incoherently.  About 20 seconds later she hikes up her dress, spreads her legs and dumps all over the front passenger seat of my mother's car.  The best part of the evening came an hour later, when I was down on my hands and knees in the 7-11 parking lot trying to clean up the mess.  This trucker comes up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "Yeah, I've had nights like that too".  
  When I was 17 my grandfather died. My younger siblings and I were going through his things when I found his dentures. I put the bottom denture in the top of my mouth and vice versa, and then looked in the mirror. It was a terrible sight to behold. I started making "Huurrrhhh!" sounds and chased my siblings all over the house for a good half hour. We laugh about it, now, but at the time...  
  This should make you laugh...  A college professor is discussing fatcs about semen... he tells the class that it is mostly made out of sugar. A girl in the class raises her hand and asks "If there's so much sugar in semen, then why doesn't it taste sweet?" Everyone burst out laughing. Realizing what she said, she gets up with all her books and is heading out of class never to return. Before she leaves the Professor says "That's because your tastebuds are on the tip of your tounge, not in the back of your throat."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When Lowbrow returned, I almost cried for joy. What the hell is lower than that?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time in my teens i was bored at work so i wrote "SATAN" on the front of one of the lockers in the breakroom.  They had these little tags on the front that are behind clear plastic and no one had ever thought to use them. So i figured out how to move the plastic, and wrote it in pen very neat and tidy like.  It was a week or so before i actually started using that locker. Surprising that nobody else would.  
  "Sorted mate!" he said. Like the crisps, I thought..  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  One time I was raggin' really bad so this guy used a vibrator on me instead.  Okay so it felt pretty damn good...but do you have any idea how messy that is?  What a fucking sicko he was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was during the break at a movie-marathon at the local cinema, after just having watched two comedy's, when we overheard the following conversation:  A: Well those movies were 'nice' I just hope the next movie is something with a lot of action  B: yeah  A: It's not that they have to shoot everything down...  B: ...but just stab someone a few times  A: yeah that would be nice       
  tip #7 on how to keep a man:  Be kinky. If you want sex, just ask for it. And if he says no, masturbate in front of him till he changes his mind. He will thank you for it later. - serialkiller@livejournal.com   i had a girlfriend who masturbated in front of me a couple times. then one day she told me she had never been happy with me and had used me to have someone to be with and get off with.  
  this from another post: Just read this one:  "i told my parents that i was pissed they had me circumcised. they looked confused. what a fucked up society we live in "   Just for the record, women would much rather blow a circumcised guy. All the needless skin bunched up, catching stray cumshots and piss and never getting cleaned properly? Ewww.   Plus it's just cuter when it's soft.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com  response: so i guess that the stray cumshots and piss and never getting cleaned properly only applies to guys then? as far as i am concerned a vagina seems to be the humid temperate paradise of fleshy folds of skin in which any number of secretions and otherwise inappropriate material can lodge itself into and fester. it's alright tho, from what i understand, circumcized guys feel appx. 30% that which uncut guys feel during sex, so as far as i'm concerned, i'll not mutilate my member for some girl who's crotch has been grinding all sweaty against me for the couple of hours that it takes for her to give me the blowjob in a club  
  One day when we were teenagers my best friend Tony's big brother, Robbie, who was a total bastard, drove into the driveway in his piece of shit Dodge Dart, complaining to his mom that it was making a terrible noise.  My friend's mom knew that Tony and I were pretty good backyard mechanics, and made us to go out to see if we could fix it.  It was immediately clear that the car was out of oil and overheating badly, so instead of cooling it off and oiling it up on it we fired it up and drove it down to the back lot, where we commenced to spin brodies at full throttle, until there was this enormous BANG followed by an incredible hammering noise.  We shut it down, and popped the hood, and to our great amusement, one of the pistons had blown through the side of the block, and was hanging by its connecting rod, still connected.  So we fired it up again (amazingly it would still start) and commenced to limp back to Tony's house, the piston thrashing around under the hood like a sledgehammer. Halfway there the engine caught fire, and we jumped out and watched it burn for awhile until it went out, laughing until tears ran from our eyes.  After the fire burned itself out, we walked back to Troy's house and told his mother that we just didn't know what was wrong with the junker, and that we were pissed that it had died and made us walk a quarter mile back home.   
  My intestines vibrate more than my ex girlfreinds vibrator.  
  Just the thought of seeing the expression on her face is enough to make me want to ream out her slit with my tongue.        
        jese i think i may have finally lost my shit oh wait its just this fucking flu phew unload all the guns put the car keys down no decisions about mass murder until after the cold season  
  i was riding my bike full ball along one of the main streets of town when i come upto a rounda bout, all i remember is waking up with my pants ripped off  butt naked! as it turns out i was hit by a car an the bullbar ripped my pants off. The girl didnt look away once  
  A few years ago I saw a report on the news about an overweight elementary school student that hung himself in the orange tree in his back yard because his fellow classmates teased and harrassed him about his obescity.  I wonder what that kid would have done if the tree branch broke.    
  A lowbrow just came up, a limbo one, and damn it looked good. I was starting to drool as I read the opening lines when - holy shit! no, i didn't accidentally hit the reload button. It's just that my motherfucking monitor exploded. I'm not kidding. Not exploding in the sense of the screen exploded and gas shards flew into my face. It just went back, when really loud snap crackle pops came from the back of my monitor. Then smoke came out.  Damn you, Limbo. My petty little 19-inch monitor couldn't handle your words. Certainly a compliment to the caliber of your brows, paid in the blood of my monitor and my wasted money on a viewsonic piece of shit.  
  I just realized that I am not a writer. I am an aspiring writer. I come up with many beautiful and artful lines of prose but I never write them down because I'm afraid people will read them. The phrase "Hoist with his own petar" comes to mind.     
  Is there any way to get a cum stain out of a pillow?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         who do my hands smell like bacon bits?  
  I went out drinking with two buddies of mine, and after 5 hours of excessive intake we headed home with 3 girls we met at the bar.  They invited us into their old house on the walk back to our apt. and the place was a severe crack shack.  They told us that the house was condemned and then they commenced to peeing in all the closets.  My buddies looked at each other, shrugged, and one began making pee waterfalls down the stairs into the abandoned living room while the other dragon blasted the walls trying to write his name.  Not to be outdone I decided to take a shit in the kitchen.  Too late I realized that the only thing to wipe with was a dried up old sponge and I mistakenly used the rough side which left me feeling oddly violated, yet strangely aroused by my own actions.    
  When I was in the 5th grade, a kid stuck a scented marker in my face and told me to smell.  He had stuck the marker up his asshole.  The rank stench of sweaty, 5th grade butthole will forever haunt my memories.  Don't tell me I can't relate to the phrase, "It smells like ass..."  
  I cheer when I hear about someone getting killed because they tried to beat a train to the crossing. Darwinism in action.  
  As I sit here in the dark alone, I have to wonder...  If you put a tennis ball in the microwave, will it hatch?  
   Codine is the only friend of many a reclusive insomniac come Friday and Saturday night.        
  So when my dog was about a year old, he loved humping people.  He didn't really go for legs, he seemed to know that the torso was where the humping was at.  He'd hump anyone unsuspecting enough to kneel, sit, or crouch near the floor.  We'd always catch him early and make him stop.    But my sister had this one friend who would come over and she'd just "happen" to find a reason to crawl on all fours "looking for something."  So the dog would try to mount her, and I'd say things to the effect of "bad dog, stop that," but she always said  "Nono, it's ok, I don't mind it."  WHAT?!?! What kind of person doesn't "mind" getting humped by a 70-pound golden retreiver?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Going to a fire, i decided to ride on the back of the truck like in the old days.  Well as we went over the railroad tracks going 55 i flew off and slid on my head neck and back for 112 feet.  I did this while in front of   1)  My parents  2)  My ex girlfriend  3)  The police chief  4)   The entire high school  I was strapped to a back board and had a neck brace on as the paramedics whom i new very well and often worked with side by side, slid me into the back of the ambulance.  Before i blacked out i said,  "i guess thats why they outlawed that".  Good times  
  has anyone seen that buckmaster show? the one where they take little kids out and have em shoot big dear? its fuckin halarious the little kids shoot the deer then the guy talks about the antlers while the little girl or boy looks on. Almost crying and they say "thankyou for taking me hunting" and they hug the guy.   
  I logged online because I was horny and wanted to find someone to get off with.  An IM window popped up.  "Hey sexy," it said.  And so I thought I'd found a winner.  Someone to talk me through playing with myself long enough to cum.  But no.  During the pre-cyber pleasantries, he had to go and get all Republican, and I blocked him.  Asshat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I visited my ex seven months post-strife.  We sat in a coffee shop in Seattle, next to a steel wall.  Together we used almost every available strip of magnetic poetry to compose the following:  he said look away take me for big ugly love ride today, tomorrow make it hurts there please no don't stop let's ask for the toilet scrub show them I am your maid you mouth comes behind the cat see why she needs to feed on everybody do you think I'm hungry because you'll give chocolate soy milk kiss we want party not dinner holy cow !!! wild time yes   ...Then I told him I fucked Ian while we were still dating.  
  some jackass who shall remain nameless moose lee sent me some flame i blocked his mail he had some else flame me guess its bending up his little dick not to be posted on the brow poor poor little dick   
  When I was little, I loved New Kids on the Block.  I had NKOTB sheets, a night shirt, I had the little stage and the dolls, I had a NKOTB purple lunch box.  I think I picked them because my brother was starting to get into music and have favorite bands, and I needed a favorite band to be cool like him in all his 9 year old glory.  I hadn't heard a single song by them.  I never heard a New Kids on the Block song until much later in my life.  
  So I got a call from the IRS recently. I'd been expecting it for some time, since they think I owe them something like $20,000 (I honestly don't think I do - I think they're exaggerating). So we set up a date for the agent to come to my motorhome and interview me, look at my financial records, assets, and so on. He's probably surprised at how eager I am to have him over soon. I'm rebuilding the interior of my motorhome, so it looks like crap right now. I've been disabled, and I can "prove" that I haven't had any income at all, for the last fifteen months, and I can also "prove" I have no assets other than my motorhome, so I'm really eager. An hour before he arrives, I dump a couple of quarts from my holding tank on the ground, open the windows and the screens, and in no time the whole place has that special "eau de toilette" smell and tons of mosquitos and flies. I make sure not to shower or shave. He sits on my wobbly, half-rebuilt dinette bench and starts to interview me in depth, with his nose wrinkling constantly. He cuts the interview short, and leaves quickly, telling me he'll put me on the "uncollectable" list for a while :-) You don't think the IRS knows about the 'Brow, do you?  
  judge judy in and of herself constitutes a lowbrow moment        
  Watching a PBS special about the overfishing of blue-fin tuna  him- "You know, that's just cruel." me- "What is?" him- "The way they show the fishermen yanking the tuna out of the water with hooks and slicing them open." me- "ok..." him- "They don't show cows at the slaughterhouse on TV, do they? If they were cute little puppies or kittens getting sliced open people would be horrified. But because they are fish nobody cares if they're killed." me- "You've got a point there."  
  all the women i have slept with always say that mine is the biggest they have had inside them... i am always suprised to hear that. i mean, its not  that  big.  maybe i am just used to it.  
  ode to america whilst malingering in the uk i wandered into a famed pub ate the bubbles and squeak with renewed vigor and asked ever so politely for a boddingtons the elixir that keeps men from behaving like monkeys it was pulled from the basement from an uncarbonated cask and served at the seemingly inappropriate room temp ah the sheer unadulterated glee of that honey colored saviour the us of a is a glorious place but i will never understand the fascination with soda pop bubbles         
  So i'm fucking my girlfriend and I pull out to start jizzing, and when I do my seed lands right in her belly button. I yelled "hole in 1!" and she started freaking out, desperetly trying to get her cum filled belly button clean. I laughed so hard that I nearly cried.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I paid attention in health class unlike every other kid at my school.  Thanks to my hippie health teacher, I know the best positions for all sorts of sexual acts and a pretty good idea of the best drugs to mix without fatal consequences.  I m a walking database of hedonistic information.  This, of course, is cancelled out by the fact that I don t do drugs or have sex.  At least my friends find it useful.   
  My greatest fear is that the legends are true.  Will eating cheetos and jerking off all night make your willy turn orange?  
  I got sacked today.  
  I had a crush on him throughout high school.   Years later we finally did hook up. He wasn't that big...or good. Another dream smashed.  
  To the guy who pulls his shirt up to his neck when he pees:  I do that too man  
  He's all pissy at me because I sat on his cat's head and farted. He went off on some rant that ended in "and that's just the grossest thing I've ever seen." Open your eyes when you hear the duck quack tonight, buddy. You'll reevaluate.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It takes 23 muscles to make a frown....  but only 4 to reach back and pimp slap your fucking ass.  
   Coffee Addicts  Visiting American friends in London, the absolute best thing is the coffee. Instead of the standard British instant crap, they do this incredibly-complicated ritual, grinding their own beans, filtering ... The result is wonderful. Annie and I pig out on the stuff. Two days into the visit, we're walking around London and we're are at each other's throats, screaming insults at each other. We sit down in a coffee shop, trying to make peace. Weirdly, within five minutes, we are best buddies again. I glance down at our cups: "Eh, Annie - is there such a thing as  decaffineated  whole-bean coffee?"  
  for some reason, i can't listen to the song 'relax' by frankie goes to hollywood without wanting to kill the malaysian prime minister   the really wierd thing is, when i hear the song 'whip it', i think of rosie o'donnell  
  I was lamenting the fact that it was winter and girls were wearing somewhat bulky clothing.  In a day the temperature flies to 70 degrees and I am seeing tight asses pressed against short mini-skirts and heels all over the place.  That shit will make you almost have an emotional upheaval. The weather needs to "gradually" change, so that I don't blow a load in psych class due to the mental overload my mind is recieving.  Thank You Global Warming  
  So I was talking to this chick, and we were rambling on about how we were gonna kick each other's asses, jokingly.  Now, I'm a skinny guy. My ribs are visible with ease, and I have a really boney ass. So in a counter to one of my threats of bodily harm she fired back this jem:   "What are ya gonna do? BONE me to deat? WAIT! NO!"         
          My father once told me    "A slap is just a hug that hurts"            Then i asked him,  Is that in the same catagory with This is going to hurt me more than you?       
  For the last week and a half I have stayed up til dawn saving images of helmets from the web.  Sports helmets,  sci-fi, safety, fire, scuba, primitive.  I have no idea why except I had an alpha-wave-type moment one night while jogging at the track. I use Dogpile search engine; EBAY has 23 pages of them so far and still counting.       
  It was Easter Sunday and I had been out all day with my business partner.  We drank shit table wine at Olive Garden and then headed back to the office where we would later consume more wine, beer and two well-crafted skunkweed joints (ahh, yes).  ...insert blank memory here...  Later that evening, I had to train the data entry manager on how to do night processing.  I stumbled back into the office and giggled at her.    I don't remember what I said, but I knew I had to vacate my bowels rather profusely.  I ran upstairs to the bathroom (phweet) and opened the door (toot).  Scrambled, knock-kneed, to the stall door (blurt).  I proceeded to unbuckle and take down my trousers (*GLORP*) and, in that moment of glory, before the trow had passed that delicate threshold of freedom known as the ass-crack, I proceeded (*GERBLUNK*) to vacate my bowels into the upper portion of my pants.  SHIT!  FUCK!!  MOTHERFUCKER!!  Approximately a half hour later, my underwear was wadded and crumpled, alone in the waste basket.  The back of my pants were wet where I had desperately tried to hide the evidence of my apparent inability to control myself by blotting and dabbing up the   fecal matter.  I waddled back down to the office and told the data entry manager that I would train her on how to do processing some other time.  I needed to go home.  She understood.   
  Okay... to all the guys whining about getting a Q-tip in their 'pee pee'...  Try getting a fricking pair of mutant duck-billed pliars shoved up your vagina. THEN they poke you with q-tips.   Heh. What pussies.  
  My mom told me if I had an indian name it would be Broken Rubber  Gee, Thanks mom  
  A hipster, hair blond, ear pierced, sits at the bar chatting amicably witha guy in a white cardigan sweater.  "you can go to Egghead and get somesoftware free, Slipnet, AOL, whatever.  It does the rest."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         From another post: Naming a strip club the "Booby Trap" is about as classy and subtle as naming it the "Arse Hole."  In Corning, NY, there is a upscale bar frequented by Corning&reg; professionals.   It's called "The Glory Hole."  Supposedly, the glory hole is something to do with glassmaking.  Yeah, right.  The local nickname for the place is The Corning&reg; Pussy  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend was walking down the street when he saw a 75 year old man catch the tip of his cane in the crack of the sidewalk and fall flat on his face.  Instead of helping the man, he just laughed and kept walking.        
  In a fit of drunking neandrathalism last night, I decided to stick a piece of posterboard with the words "SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!" on our window for the all girls hall across the commons.  No takers yet, but we're keeping a eye out just in case....  
  I babysat 20 rats for an entire summer. Evidently either I was feeding them way too often, or the owner had grossly underestimated the amount of rat food to leave, so it ran out. "No problem," I thought, "I'll just feed them whatever leftovers we have lying around the house. Rats eat everything."  So, among other things, I left a couple sizeable portions of ham in the cages. The cages were in an attic room. With open windows. And no screens.   Yet somehow I was genuinely surprised when the entire room filled with hundreds of houseflies. I had to go into the black cloud and hang flypaper strips, then come back later and swat, swat, swat until the walls were covered in red and black specks. Of course, by this time the flies had laid eggs, so I had to contend with the appearance of new flies for a while, not to mention writhing maggots when I finally got around to cleaning the cages.   People without common sense should not be allowed to keep pets.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got this e-mail that just said:  "My aunts always used to nudge me at weddings and say 'you're next', they stopped that shit when I started doing the same at funerals!!  Now that is lowbrow!!!!!!!!!!!  
  He gets really horny in the morning, even if he's only been asleep for an hour after doing it for most of the night. I, am not a morning person. Every single time he asks me to fuck him in the morning, i tell him to fuck off. After he gets mad and goes home i take a shower to wake up and then i'm in the mood so i masturbate.  if he knew this was happening, im thinking he would be waiting around until after i have a shower.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         turns out reverse psychology doesn't work with blow jobs.  
  so far i have sustained major trauma and injury doing the following:  trying to run along the top of a chain-link fence (broken tailbone)  trying to run, full speed, through the plexiglass of an  nyc bus stop (massive hematoma on thigh)  playing the "rib-punching" game with two friends after the belmont stakes (duhh. 2 broken ribs)  jumping off a prison wall-in fairmount, pa--old prison (broken foot)  jumping ferry wakes on water skis (compacted vertebrae)   this is in addition to the "legitimate" sports-related injuries i have sustained over the years, of which there are many.  now, i do have a whole fucking lot of fun. but i AM going to fucking fall apart soon.   want to know when it is going to rain? ask my prescient knees.     
  in a fit of springtime-inspired shopping, my sister and i decided to head to the trendy girl store of long island, a place called bonnie's jeans, where sanrio wallets on chains sit side by side with those hair thingys that look like slinkys until they're uncoiled. at this store, i saw a shirt -- dark blue, short sleeve, greeen flowers, polyester -- that fit my cute-but-not-too-cute assessment. it was $20. but not available in my size. on the way back home we stopped at target to revel in the 89 cent snapples, and as we were walking by the womens' clothing section i noticed a shirt out of the corner of my eye -- it was that very shirt that i had not purchased in the trendy-girl store, on the same type of hanger, with the same tag dangling from the sleeve. except this tag said $12. and the shirt was available in my size. so i bought it.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I swear that by the time you read this, i'll have made my Godzilla toy into a bong.  I'll call it 'Bongzilla'.  
  I asked "Ask Jeeves" why my life sucked and he responded with a link to a website featuring celebrity lemonade recipies.  
  The other day I was cruising down some fairly busy country road.  I came upon a light blue officer vehicle.  I was already late to meet someone, and was pretty pissed I had gotten caught.    The large man hobbled over to my 84 lincoln and told me about how fast I was going.  "So...I caught you almost a mile back going 67..."  He went back to his car, talked on his radio, and came back to my vehicle.  He handed me a ticket with an attatched paper.  He went on to explain how I can go to the court date and plead not guilty and get my points reduced or dropped.  He recommended this over just going ahead and paying my fine.  I looked at my ticket later.  He had attatched a map for me with a highlighted route.  How sweet.  Next time I'll show more cleavage.   
  the carpet in my bedroom in this hard lumpy low-pile stuff that makes me think of astro-turf We were out of milk last week and I made lukewarm hot chocolate instant coffee, I left the half full mug of watery coffee on my low-pile astro-turf and my miniature poodle drank the rest of it, and it was a big mug too. So I had a ralphing hyperactive rat speeding around my ankles.   
  A girl has got to feel a little bit dirty after sucking a horse's cock.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After a trip to Vegas with my parents, the heat was definitely getting to me. If you've ever been to Vegas in the summer, you'll understand. To top it all off, I hadn't had much to drink, so I was rather dehydrated.  On the way back, we decided to stop in Barstow and grab some food at Carrow's. We're there, seated, and as the waitress comes over to take our orders, I begin vomitting all over the table, seat, and floor. At this point, almost everyone in the restaurant is staring at us. Upon noticing this, my father looks up and says, in all seriousness, "He's not feeling very well."  Thank you, Dad, I'm sure you solved the mystery in all those people's minds.  
  My girlfriend told me to shave my head because she said bald men are sexy, I tried it, when I was at the bus stop women were smiling and pointing at me, it worked!  maybe next time I will try it with clothes on.  
  So I went to the pac 10 tournament a week ago in La and i had to take a piss so i went to the bathroom. I was standing at a urinal at the staples center and right as I was unzipping my pants i noticed a penny in the urinal.  Seeing the penny made me ponder..... is a penny still lucky if it has been peed on by hundreds of drunk sports fans?  
  Stocking capped, bearded, flanneled, he sat looking around as if he was outof place.  He was.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
   Tennis vs. Football (no, not soccer, American football)  Unfortunately, the SuperBowl and the finals of the Australian Open often happen on the same day. I love both, so I tape both of them. After I've watched both of the matches, I look at the presentation ceremonies. The Superbowl has enormous floats on the field, with smoke bombs going off everywhere.  I switch to the Australian ceremony. Some babe is standing on the tennis court, belting away "Waltzing Matdilda." On the court itself, the ball boys and girls are sitting in pairs, back to back, holding hands. Their faces are painted in American and Australian flags. I switch back to the SuperBowl presentation. Jiggly cheerleaders by the thousands are silently mouthing the lyrics of some moronic pop song. Click. The camera roves around the court, settling in on the painted faces. The shy kids wearing them colour up and giggle when they see the camera on them. Click. Oh Jeesus, it's fucking Tony Bennett himself! Covered in enthusiastic, jiggly cheerleaders. Click. The ball boys and girls sing both national anthems while the camera roves around and gets them giggling again...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He asked to spend the night which was cool with us. But it was so hot in the apartment that he went outside to lay on the cool concrete of the courtyard.  The nosey neighbour called the ambulance.  She thought he was dead.  Ya think she could've shook him or somethng before dialing 911.  
  Yes ma'am, the fish and chips comes with fries.        
  Riding the train to work in the morning.  While I and the other "did not shave this morning, hair longer than regulation length, non-suit wearing young man" were getting grilled by a couple of SF's finest about whether or not we had passes or transfers, I saw a bunch of things sticking out of the pocket of the cop that I was interacting with.  They were a bunch of those zip-ties, the kind that you bind ethernet cable up with, only...much bigger.  Yikes.     
  there are reasons why i checked myself into rehab.    i went out drinking with a girlfriend of mine and got totally tanked (as usual).  she lets me sleep naked in her bed.    i wake up at some point, rub my eyes and wonder where the hell i am, just as a local bartender and her boyfriend wake up on either side of me and she screams "I told you to lock the door!" at him.   She hands me a nightgown and apologises which means "get your naked ass out of my bed".  Lowbrow moment indeed.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's this place called the Royal Viking Motel on 3rd street.  We pass it going to our favorite pizza place, and one day I stopped in to get a matchbook.  There was a sign on the door that said "no prostitutes, please" and the office smelled like urinal cakes.  They guy didn't have matchbooks, but offered me a buisness card, but said none of the information on there was right.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Laundry day..  Searching through my dorm room, even underneath the bed, looking, looking for something clean to wear.  No such luck. Not even underwear or a bra...   Then, I get an idea..  "Aha!"    I wrapped myself in a towel, grabbed all my laundry, ran to the laundry room, then hung around my room pretending I was locked out.  Pure genius, although I got some leers from the men on my floor.    
  i'm the kind of girl who usually only hooks up with people that i'm seriously dating.  however, last night i hung out with this guy who kept telling me i was the forbidden fruit because he had a girlfriend.  he ended up receiving his first blow job and i feel pretty damn good about myself...especially after he tried out some new things on me  
  I live in a dorm with three roomies. When it's time to take out the trash, whoever has decided to do so, walks around to our rooms to see if our wastebaskets need to be emptied.  If the answer is yes, they usually just walk in, dump the wastebasket into the trash bag & go along their merry way ... unless it's my wastebasket. Nobody dares touch mine due to the copious amounts of used condoms that can be found in there at any given time of the week.   
  "how can you eat those things when you've got cotton-mouth?!?"  "mmphf ummmphmm," i replied, grabbing another saltine cracker.  
  Our company recently considered a new perk: we could get our cars washed once a week by a travelling car wash service.  Have you seen these things?  A truck drives around, pulling a trailer that's full of this super-potent-higly-special water or chemical or something, and companies pay them to wash cars right there in the parking lot.  I told them that blowjob day would be better.  Blank stares.  You know, hire someone who will give head.  Just put them in the employee lounge every, say, Thursday and then, if you want a bj, just sign up for a specific time and show up.  Hell, we could even reserve one of the stalls in the bathroom solely for this purpose on the given day.  And we could even get a bi girl  and  a bi guy, that way all the employees could get what they want and the women wouldn't feel left out.  Well, due to my  very  recent termination, I'm considering dumping my severance pay and my savings into a business venture and opening up my own company.  Hey, LaDeeFrickinDa, want a job?  
  Actual product label in the World's Largest Gift Shop in Las Vegas:  "These condoms were sized especially for JESUS in Las Vegas!"  
  As most men, I enjoy a good blowjob as often as possible. So what do you say when you wake up in a bed you've never seen before and get told that you apparently fell asleep during one of said blowjobs? And stopped breathing in your sleep because you were so drunk thus keeping the poor girl that dragged your sorry ass home up all night?  Somehow, "sorry" didn't really cut it.  
  so me and two friends got extremely drunk one night.  We woke up the next morning to see that the vcr is soaked with some sort of liquid.  Figuring it out was not easy.  two of us smelt it and wiped it up, the third decided it was good to do a taste test.  It was piss.  
  I was having a conversation about what ot have for lunch with a friend of mine.  She says: I don't know what I want. I replied: An orgasm and a shot of whiskey.  We laughed and continued on this avenue for awhile until she blurted out.  "Now I want a sausage on a roll,.....this is all your fault"  "Well" I replied " If you get Nathans it will still have it's foreskin"  If there is a line in the sand, you can best damn belive I will be the one to cross it!  
  As I washed my hands in the mens room, my friend walked in and went into a stall and made himself comfortable.  When I walked out I flicked off all the lights and put an out-of-order sign I saw benind the door and put it in front of the door. He came back to the business lunch about a half hour later and looked like he had been through a war.   Somehow, I was able to keep a straight face!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I worked with a group of Russian teachers of English for two summers in a row. They come to the US to brush up on their teaching skills and perfect their English. Our boss made us take them to WalMart.  I guess there isn't anything like that in Russia. They would spend three hours twice a week there, and still whine to go back the next day. The first time we took them last summer, one of them got lost in Walmart. But she had bleach blond hair with roots, tight clothes, and gold teeth, so we figured she'd be ok. Russian trailer trash, southern trailer trash, they look the same. Some trucker drove her home. ~puck~  
  never underestimate the power of a carefully placed comment in the mind of a suspicious psychotic         
  So the most likley to become successful award at my highschool prom went to a jock.  Like every other award at the prom  Then why is he still pumping my gas 5 years later?    
  So there I am, giving CPR to the drunk, high girl with the collapsed lung.  Seemed to take an eternity.  She woke up.  Came around.  And promptly accused me of feeling her up.  Her pet jock threatened to kill me.  I grabbed another beer and left the party.  When I got home, I cried.  
  I got laid off from Home Depot the day before my birthday. Then I found out after I got laid off that they hired someone in my place.Isn't that fucked up!? At least I can claim unemployment benefits.It sucks being broke and not being able to afford Christmas presents. Home Depot rot in hell....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met a girl the other day at a coffee shop who trounced me multiple times in Tekken 3.  when I wasn't playing against her, all I could do was lean on the pinball machine, stare at her ass and think "I love girls that play video games..."  
  I'm one of those guys that compulsively makes that little back of the throat un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss techno beat. un-ss-un-ssun-ss-un-ss Sometimes I do it so well that noone can tell where it's coming from and they look around for the system that's pumping pumping pumping un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss-un-ss...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the dividers between urinals subliminally teach us that urnating is shameful.        
  One day when i was in the middle of eating a turkey and mayo sandwich at school one of my friends told this funny joke.  I laughed and swallowed at the same time but the sandwich bits came out mynose , it burned.  Later after school my mom picked me up and she said something funny and a huge glop of snot and turkey flew at her dress.  
  "So they say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. The other night my friends and I decided that in a best case scenario what you get to see is a 2 hour montage (starting from when your very young) compiled of brief clips of every single time you stubbed your toe or smacked your head or fell down; burped in class, farted on busses, got caught playing with yourself ect. Interject a tender moment or two and set the whole thing to some allegro Bethoven like Bugs Bunny and I for one would at least die happy."  - julian_zin@hotmail   So basically it would be the ultimate lowbrow compilation. Your whole life. I bet half the time you'd be thinking "ha ha, man what an asshole... hey, why didn't i post that one?"  I'm sure it would be much longer than 2 hours... fuck, even just counting the number of times I've found skidmarks in my shorts.  
  i just realized that subconsuously i rig my room so that i can operate it more easily when i'm drunk.  
  all of my friends have wanted to see this on low brow so here it goes.  i was 16 and had the day off from work and the house to myself. long story short i ended up drinking ang smoking herb while watching tv the whole day, only to take breaks to jerk off. 16 times. i learned to respect my body a little more and to use lube. it was raw for a week later   
  I woke up this morning and realized I was late for work by about two hours.  In such a hurry I decided to not even change my underwear.  But I did swing by the computer to check my e-mail real fast.  How fucked up is that?  
  The devil is misunderstood.  The name Lucifer means "light bearer"  It was originally the name of the star that would preceeded the sun; Venus's  counterpart (Venus being the star that preceeds the moon).  So, one of the guys who was translating the Bible from Hebrew made a monumental error (or acted out of religious inspired hysteria)& cursed the poor morning star (as well as the name Lucifer) forever.  Moral: Name your kids Lucifer!!! It isn't the name of the devil after all!!! Plus, your son/daughter, Lucifer, would love you sooo much!!!  (This is actually true, learned it in my wife's Comparative Mythology class!)  
  My nose is small so how the hell can it hold this much fucking snot!   
  The phone rings. Forcing myself up from the pages of a good book, I stand and pick up the reciever.  The only thing I hear from the other side is that faint telltale chatter that tells you your caller is a telemarketer who hasn't bothered to hit the "connect" button yet.  "What an asshole," I think to myself, "tearing me from my book to answer his call and he's not even here yet.  Jerk" So I proceed to start pounding the keypad so it makes all those annoying little phone beeps.  I do this until I'm sure he has picked up, then I laugh into the receiver and hang up. Less than a minute later, the phone rings again, and I repeat the process of getting up for the call. This time all I hear when I pick up is BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.  
  It occurs to me ....  there is no situation in which the 2 words "giddyup bitch" can be used together without causing serious trouble.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Y'know, I never really enjoyed blowjobs before. I don't think I've ever come from one, until now. Wow, thank you."  The first time I said this I actually meant it.  The second time I said it, I wanted to see if she'd react the same way the other girl did -- all proud and stuff.  By the fourth time I said it, I knew  exactly  what I was doing.  
  One night I got really trashed and woke up the next morning in the Denny's parking lot on the hood of my car, with my keys up my ass.  
   Upon wiping my ass today I felt a small bump. I investigated and discovered a growth the size of a large pimple just on the outside of my asshole. How embarrassing. Now next time my girlfriend shoves her fingers up my ass, she will be repulsed.   It must be squeezed, and drained, and eliminated.  
   I can well imagine  that any student of philsophy would find a paper entitled "Meaning in life from a psychological perspective" "not of the logical and organizational caliber (they) are used to."  It's practically a given. But that's just my own snobbery.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was dating this guy...It was long distance, he would have to drive 2 hours to see me.  One day, he had arrived, and after some decent sex, he said to me: "I was thinking about you on the way up"  "Oh yeah?"  (Hoping for a good fantasy to get him in the sack again)  "Yeah, I was thinking about you and started masturbating..."  "In the car?  Hope you had some napkins handy"  (At this point I was starting to get a bit disgusted)  "Well actually, I did something else with it..."  "Really?"  "Yeah, I decided to try what you do...I ate it..."  "Huh?"  Yes folks, true story, he ate his own cum, in the car, while driving down the interstate.  And this is supposed to turn me on?  Needless to say, its over.    
  My parents are throwing a soiree in their posh suburban home.  In my makeshift apartment in the basement, I and my girlfriend's best friend drink much champagne and have loud stinky monkey sex.  Later we make an appearance, sweaty, dissheveled, and smelling like deckhands on a tuna boat, and depart in search of somewhere to get more trashed.  It wasn't until much later that I realized that the exposed ductwork in the ceiling of my apartment would transmit and amplify every sound from the basement, broadcasting it in the living room.  This probably explains the looks I got from the party attendees; scorn from the women and shit-eating grins from the men. After all, she was wet-dream material.    
  Remember those 'Yak Bak' voice recording toys?  Bored as hell one day in the dead of winter...  A friend and I discoverd them in a Wal-mart or some such store...  We spent maybe two hours recording evil messages in scary voices on them and returning them to the shelf....  "Kill your parents"  "I live under your bed"  "Worship Satan! Satan! SATAN!"  "I'm coming for you tonight, you little shit!"  "Tell your stupid bitch mom to fuck off"  "Santa cluas is dead asshole"  etc...  I laughed for days imagining the potential nightmares we had created...  I was 21...  I suck...  
  I went with my friend to the Sunday Flea Market at the Solano Drive-In.  We stopped in front of the stand run by the guy with his old yellow school bus right behind him, and a number of tables and big cardboard boxes of porn videotapes in front of him, all for sale.  I tried to keep my distance and pretend to be a stranger as my friend spent 40 MINUTES picking up each tape and intermittently asking the seller - "Hey, man, is this a good one?  Is it hot?"   
   I frequently end important exam essays with things like "Which brings me to my conclusion, that yes, I do believe Columbus should have kept his stupid ass at home."        
   The Misogynistic Meltdown  (Some British commentator doesn't seem to like male-only and female-only music festivals, it seems) "I observed with malicious glee that [David] Bowie had been chosen as this year's curator of the Meltdown festival, expecting, at the 'groundbreaking' least, an orchestra comprised solely of grown men attempting to play electro-funk on their genitals ... ... Maybe the organisers think that Lilith Fair corrects any imbalance. And maybe it would if Lilith Fair wasn't such a tediously worthy carnival of synchronised menstruation long colonised by demented lute-playing hippies."  
  When I was six, my grandparents took me shopping. We walked into Worthington Coat Factory in a town in Idaho and I saw a little boy about my age loudly vomitting on the floor while his mother continued to shop.  At 20, I still can't bring mysef to walk into that store.  Reason #129 why I hate white trash....  
  I have the worst gas right now. I have been visiting the bathroom constantly. I fear I have offended my co-workers.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  A waitress called me over to the service bar and said,"Have you seen the way those two guys are falling all over those girls at the rail?" I thought for a moment before saying,"Yeah, but I just don't care."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I drove my carless buddy to the downtown BMV to get him a new ID, since he couldn't get into the bar with his broken and expired one. Standing in line behind several cracked-out dregs and welfare leeches, he whispers to me; "You know what I hate about coming to these places? They're always filled with the LCD." By which he meant Lowest Common Denominator. I laughed. Not because I caught his reference, but because it was 40 degrees out and he was wearing sandals and nylon pants, and he was getting his broken ID replaced after more than six months. "Pot calling Kettle. Come in, Kettle."  
  What the hell is up with Matthew Lesko?  You know him, the guy that sells his fucking worthless book about how to get free money from the government.  Prancing around on late night TV in a green suit covered with question marks, screaming about free grants and loans, all the while making you ponder why he thought that coming across as a mix between Carrot Top, a used car dealer, and the Riddler struck him as the best way to sell his shit.  You Go America!  
  My boyfriend likes to sneak attack me with his penis. I'll just be sitting there in my computer chair and the next thing I know Whack! to the back of my head.  I think we're both sick.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend's parents had just told him that they were getting a divorce so the soonest I could get off from work, I was over there. I spent the weekend with him.  He was fooling around with a girl I used to hang out with a flirt with a lot. I didn't mind.   I woke up one morning on his couch with the girl throwing spice drops at me. I would fall asleep and wake up again with more spice drops around my head. Finally I grabbed a set of keys and threw them at her when she did it again. I hit her in the head.   Apparantly this was just after my friend and her had just fucked in his bedroom. Oh well, I figure.   The girl invites me to a threesome. I decline. I'm not homophobic, but I'm not exactly comfortable sharing a sexual experience with my best friend.  20 minutes later, they're back at it again. I'm going to the bathroom to see if my wallet is in there and she's moaning. But only her. I figure he's got his face buried with her thighs.   They don't come out for almost an hour.   I left the house to go see someone else. Never was I so lonely as at that moment.   
  Dogs are funny creatures....  It's not funny though when a thunder storm hits and your dog shits UP the wall....literally up the wall, 3 maybe even 4 feet..  I need to set up a video camera....  
  Our relationship was like that old "Twilight Zone."  She was Sebastian Cabot and I was that guy who thought he was in heaven but it was really turned out to be hell.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just slashed my toe open on a  binder that was on my floor. Now, since I have a tendency to walk about barefoot, I decided to clean the cut out, lest something nasty decide to take up residence. So, I'm in my bathroom, grappling with the realization that I have nothing even closely approximating antiseptic. Except Listerine.  Says I to my roommate:  "Do you think Listerine would function as a general antiseptic?"  He: "Probably. Couldn't hurt, I guess."  So I pour Listerine over my bleeding toe. It stung a bit, which I guess is either a pretty good sign or a pretty bad one. I guess I'll have to wait and see if my foot falls off.  The bleeding stopped pretty quickly after that, though.    
  One time when I was 16 I thought it would be hilarious to set the screensaver password on the family computer to "pussy."  Then I went to bed and forgot to take it off.  That morning my parents wake me up, "What's the password Josh?"  Told em I forgot...  
  You know this incredibly fat sausages you always see in the supermarket?  Avoid them.  They decievingly say that a serving size is 21 grams of fat...   that enough should scare you....   but then, they whisper that there are actually 6 servings per package...  That's 126 grams of pure fat, people.  Gobble it up.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the cops had been called, everyone was on their way out.  "my parents are coming home tomorrow!" he exclaimed.  "look, i'll stay here and help you clean up your house." i said sympathetically while removing the slowly melting carton of milk from the toaster oven.   i really would have too.......if water didn't start spilling out of the cieling right at that moment.  i bolted out the door the moment he went upstairs to inspect, and yelled "OH MY GOD!!!!"  
   "A CIA opperative describes driving around Lubumbashi (then Elizabethville) "with Lumumba's body in the trunk of his car, trying to decide what to do with it.'"   Man, talk about awkward situations. You couldn't have payed me enough to be that poor fuck.   (In case you didn't know, Lumumba was the Prime Minister of Zaire.)       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Religious Intolerance 101  Ever wonder why the Protestants and Catholics in Ireland can't "just get along?"  They didn't get along very well in Scotland, either.  My primary (grade) school was Protestant.  The primary school across the street was Catholic.  We had these decent black/gray uniforms -- they had these weird two-tone green uniforms.  We never talked to each other, at all.  Our sole mode of communication was to throw rocks at each other during playtime (recess).  I can't remember anybody ever telling us to throw rocks -- it was just somehow understood.  When I married my second wife, I made sure to forget to tell my mother that she was Catholic -- life was just simpler that way.  
  well... it was interesting, the first meeting.  but i don't know if we'd get along by ourselves at all if we hung out again without the friends there. we might not have much to talk about.  and i'm naturally quiet as it is. so i figger "hey, might as well just get right to messing around.  then we wouldn't have to talk anyways."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ultimate lowbrow moment: on the way home from denny's the other night, boys were talking about how weird sex organs look. my boyfriend referred to a vagina as a "hideous clam beast". i dont know if i should let him get away with that.  
     My brother has had diarrhea for 2 days. He complained about his ass being irritated, so she put cream on his asshole to make it feel beter....WITH HER FINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  why me?  
  I threw a head of lettuce into the river and watched it  plop in and make a splash, then it broke into a bunch of pieces.         
  my boyfriend and I (now husband) went out for some drinks at a local bar. He was indulging and getting very relaxed. when we left the bar I went to take him home and he had passed out in the car. he managed to get out of the car and laid in the parking lot. after 1 hour I checked on him, and he had made it to the grass in front the the apartment. it was snowing that night so I thought I'd better try to get him inside. when I rolled him over to wake him up, I had noticed that he had rolled in a pile of dog shit and it had smashed into his ear canal and the side of his face, needless to say thats not why i married him...  
  They brought their damn dog to come say hi me and my cousin find the dog upstairs and corner it in the office. it's a dachshound, or a weiner-dog, and we thought it'd be funny to teach it a few tricks- cool thing is, his name was harry Harry. Prozac. (the dog lays down) Harry! viagra (the dog sits up, front legs in the air) if they had stayed longer we would have added "bj" (roll over), "blow" (bark), and "marriage" (play dead)  
   The Ayr Academy April Fools Dance  I spot her across the room, gulp, and walk over. She's beautiful, wearing a sparkly turquoise satin trouser-suit with a mandarin collar and matching shoes. Turns out she made all of it herself. We dance with our four left feet, and I slowly realize that she's even shyer than I am, so I start to relax, just a little. We go outside to cool down (well, maybe she wanted to cool down -- I'm hoping to heat up), and lean against the school railings, looking down at the picturesque Scottish fishing boats in the harbour. I finally, finally muster up the courage to kiss her -- wonderful. She sheer satin doesn't really cover anything, and I basically have a slippery warm naked girl in my arms. I'm seventeen. I'm a virgin. I'm very happy. Me: "I bet I can guess your birthday." She: "No you can't!" Me: "Let's see, you look like a May girl ... perhaps May 9th?" She gasps: "How can you know that!?!" Me: "I just have a sense of these things." We kiss again, and again... Like hell I have a sense of these things -- she thinks we just bumped into each other, but I've had my radar locked on to her for weeks. I walked into the school admin office, cool as you like, and looked up all her information in the files. I know much more about her than her birthday. I know her grades, I know her mother died when she was six and she lives with her sickly rose-gardening father... I've bicycled past her house several times. I even know she's a virgin. About the only thing I don't know about her is that she'd remain a virgin for the whole year we were together, dammit! For any Brits reading this, in America that's called stalking, and can get you jail time. All it got me was a year's worth of turquoise blue balls. Some 30-odd years later, I track her down again, this time online. She's no longer shy -- not by a long shot. We immediately start a steamy long-distance cybersex relationship. I tell her exactly what she was wearing when we met, and tell her her birthday. She writes back that she literally fell off her chair. Then it just gets steamier...  
  I left my apartment today already a little late for work. The entire walk was a bit aggravating as my drawers kept riding up on me. Hardcore. Every once in a while, when no one was looking, I would reach up my shorts and give them a little tug, to very little success. I managed to ignore them all the way to work.  At work, as I didn't have to move much, they gave me little to no trouble. Until I went to the bathroom. Then and there all the puzzle pieces fell into place when I discovered that no fly was to be found.   I had put my drawers on backwards.  
  I've been friendly with the very nice lady in the liquor store for years.  I go in one day, and she looks  awful  -- black eyes, bandages ... looks like she was in a bad car wreck.  Me: "Ohmigosh, you look  awful! "  She: "Thanks..."  It gets much worse: Fast forward three days.  I meet her in the supermarket with her two small kids.  Me: "I'm sorry I said you looked awful"  She: "It's OK - I do."  Me: "It could have been even worse -- I almost said: 'Better get rid of that  boyfriend!'"  She shushes me, alarmed, then points to her small boy and whispers: "I did - he doesn't know yet."  
  My family was on a trip to N'awlins.  I was drinking a Mountain Dew and my brother was attempting to make me laugh and thus choke on the Dew.  After a few minutes of jokes and whatnot it works.  I am gonna hurl bigtime.  First some Dew comes out as I run towards the bathroom.  I don't make it and i end up spewing in the sink.  I pass out and when i wake up my bro is standing over me saying  "Dude you just had a seizure."  Thanks John, thanks a lot.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Another of those annoying telemarketers called while I was watching a hockey game.  So I say, "Hey, I'm busy watching the game right now, do you mind if I call you back when you're really busy?"  He says, "Sure, would you like the number here?"  "No" I reply, "Not really"...then hang up.  Was this my lowbrow moment, or his?  
   There I was, opening the door to the garage. The sound of rats knawing on rubber bands filled the cement four walled world. I slowly reached for the light switch and flick, on it went. There they were, five midgets nibbling on my brand new GoodYear tires! I calmly invited them in for tea and crumpets, made them do a little dance at gunpoint and then blew one of there little big heads off. The rest I forced to disrobe and run down the street for everyone to see. No one messes with my tires!  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Once I tried to light a fart with a match.  It actually worked.        
  My favorite bar shows midget pornography vids. Actually, it's midget-biker porno. The midget woman gives the hairy biker a blowjob. And the bar serves a good martini. Heh.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have a wrist brace... skateboard injury.  had it for a while. i like to sit around and smell it. reminds me of vagina.  
  I used to buy weed from a dude that worked at Kwik-Mart. It was a real sweet set-up and we sort of became friends.  He invited me to a Halloween party so I had my artist friend airbrush my face and hands in a camo pattern. I then proceeded to wear a como jumpsuit & boonie hat. Thought that was cool.  Unbeknownst to me, someone slipped me some acid. Man I really started to peak and decided I needed to leave. I got about 3 blocks from his house and realized I shouldn't even be driving. So I parked in the parking lot of a small strip mall, and threw the keys on the floor in case the cops decided to hassle me.  I sat there for 3 hours, I'd start to feel like I could drive and then another wave of madness would engulf me. Then I noticed the cops walking the Mall, checking doors and giving me funny looks. At that moment I remembered I was all "camo'd" up and probably looking quite psychotic.  Put the keys in the ignition, got it between the white lines, and pointed the truck towards home.  I made it ok, but damn, that was some potent acid and those fuckers should've told me about it.  
  A co-worker* had some truly weird vendetta thing on me.  Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she'd say: "Let's just be professional," and continued treating me like shit.  She lived on a very steep hill.  One night, I crawled under her car to cut her brake lines.  As soon as I cut the first one, the car rolled over my legs, breaking them both.  She came out of the house and found me screaming in her driveway, and her car halfway down the hill, smashed into another one.   That's when I woke up.  Damn, I can't even have a successful revenge fantasy.  *Anh Luk, if you're out there, go fuck yourself  
  Standing in line at Best Buy 2 days before Christmas is excruciating.  The line wrapped around 3/4's of the store and it was overcrowded as hell.  The only funny part is watching peoples reaction to how long the line is.  "Holy cow, is that real?"  "Oh my god."  "Shit, this is gay."  "Dammit, I hate Christmas."  And my favorite..  "Damn you Christ!"  
  there was this girl in high school. i sat behind her and to the right, where i could see her face from an angle. she wasn't really pretty, didn't have a great body, wasn't that smart or nice or funny. But seeing her face and mouth, especially at that angle, all i could think was, "that girl was made for giving blow jobs."  
   Not Understanding The Concept #7  In the morning, her panties go missing. This seems to happen often. I've just spent a long, torrid, sweaty and stinky night with (parse this if you can) the woman who stole my wife from me  and persuaded her to move in with her, but all for the sole purpose of being able to seduce me. I'd also fucked my wife earlier that day, making it the only time I ever fucked two women in the same day. Do I get points taken away because they were lovers at the time? It would even have been three, if I hadn't fought off my wife's anorexic best friend, who I was staying with while the breakup went on. Anyway, back to the panties. I eventually, sheepishly, produced them from my hiding place. She looked like she'd just been plugged in. That's how much she enjoyed the thought that I'd stolen her panties. She: "Hmmmm... it's nice that you want a pair of my panties. I'm touched, really. But I wore those ones all day yesterday. Give them back and I'll give you a clean pair."  
  Fury440III: ack Fury440III: Dremel's getting a little hot digi0xFF: what exactly have you been doing with a dremel all this time? Fury440III: um Fury440III: nothing Fury440III: what Dremel Fury440III: Q!   Q! digi0xFF: uh... yeah digi0xFF: that's not going to work digi0xFF: we've already established that Fury440III: I was hoping for some flying monkeys, or atleast some large snapping turtles on skateboards digi0xFF: were you. digi0xFF: fucking lunatic digi0xFF: !  Fury440III: hey, it could happen digi0xFF: at least i'm doing something reasonable Fury440III: what digi0xFF: and that is sitting here and playing the theme to "Spy Hunter" on my guitar Fury440III: haha Fury440III: oh god Fury440III: its in my head Fury440III: die you bastard digi0xFF: hehe Fury440III: do do dodo do do digi0xFF: the best thing about it is that you can play it over, and over, and over... Fury440III: HEY MICKEY YOU'RE SO FINE, YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND, HEY MICKEY (clap clap) HEY MICKEY (clap clap) digi0xFF: oh fuck ypui digi0xFF: you digi0xFF: that's not fair Fury440III: atomic bomb on yer ass biatch digi0xFF: c'mon i stumbled across spy hunter on accident        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After we had finished all the chinese food we had ordered I was still hungry.  So of course I grabbed a fortune cookie, which was when I noticed they had given the two of us three fortune cookies.  So I proceeded to open and read my fortune... which said and I quote "You're still hungry, have another fortune cookie." WOW  
  we yelled "tampons are for boys too" at random people on the streets of coronado last night.  ahh. the joys of summer vacation. and it's over tomorrow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While watching the wife on "The Sopranos" have a full-on meltdown at discovering her husband had been fucking around, my husband commented "She was a little overwrought, huh?" "Not even enough" I replied. "She doesn't have a gun and his balls are still attached." He didn't sleep as sound as usual that night.   
  Yesterday at the hotel my friend and his 'friend' were fucking in the shower. So I peed in the kitchen sink and didn't wash my hands.  It wouldn't be so strange if it wasn't becoming a habit.  --out  
  When I first moved there, my main entertainment was sitting on the kitchen counter, watching all the teenage druggies transact business and pass out in my alley. Once in a while there'd be a fight or a freak-out.  One night I hopped up on the counter to see some poor dumb girl getting pulled over for DUI. Within 5 minutes, there were seven cop cars out there, and while they wrote her up, she sat on her bumper and sobbed hysterically as they chatted around her. Finally she screamed "why are you all doing this to me?" To which one cop replied "It's a slow night, Linda. We're fucking bored." I miss that place.  
  You held my hand and carressed my thigh and kissed my cheek and in the morning said, "Well, I was drunk."    Thank you *ever* so much...  
  i worked at a newsstand for a summer. my manager always lectured me about how i should try my hardest to prevent underage people from looking at/stealing the porno mags.  the little 10 year old fucks would come in everyday and sneak copies of Swank and Barely Legal. they were about as stealthy as a pig at a prom dance.   but i let 'em steal the mags. i remembered how hard it was to get porno when i was their age.  karma owes me big-time.     
  What I ate tonight: -- 5 fried dumplings -- egg roll -- carton of lo mein -- wonton soup -- pint of chocolate chunk  And I ain't done.  Did it make me feel better? It didn't suck, but he's still a total bastard.  Back to the fridge.   
    I beat up my boyfriend when he told me he likes sex rodeo style!  I asked what rodeo style was and he said "I'll show you".  He got in me from behind and then whispered "your sister likes it like this too" - then he tried to stay on for 8 seconds!      
  after a vigorous raunt of 4 fingers up to the knuckle and hard ass pounding from behind, she went to the bathroom to clean up the messy aftermath.   laying there in bed, hearing the distant noise of my spent load squirting out of her ass on the toilet, it made me think of easy cheese, nacho flavored, on triscuits. mmm...  i dined happily in bed.  some say i have low horizons.  
  Visiting the outback, i met a cute and quite forward young lady in a Sydney bar.  We laughed, i kinda started getting intrested, she was a fit, young blond... one of those hardcore/ sweeties, you know, dirty but squeaky clean types that you just want to fold in half, tie in knots, only get outta bed for another pack of rizzlas.  The evening progressed, fueled by midori and endless pints...we ended up in her living room.  Minus cloths, replace alcohol with cocaine, remove inhibitions.  She turned around when i squeezed her ass, leaned in and said     "Sorry mate," bent over,      --remember that cute aussie accent...   "i'm on me ragg, but you ca' fuck me dumpa"    Fuck her dumper? hmmmm...  
  Once a week, find something that makes you nervous for little or no reason, and nuetralize it.  
  Paula thanked me 3x for the eclairs I brought her as a surprise for breakfast one day. Three seperate sets of thank you's, twice over the phone and once in person. I'm glad she liked the gesture, but I kept wondering "What kind of a world is this when a casual gift of pastry seems like the best thing that's happened to her in MONTHS?"        
  "You know you either need therapy or a new job when you hate a coworker so much you have a vision of hitting them in the head with a claw hammer whenever you see them."  That's not so bad. I used to have visions of pens flying into everyone's eyes while I was in college. Didn't matter whether I knew them or not.  Although I am in therapy, so I've got you beat on that one.  
  i read a moment about a strip club called 'the booby trap.'  the meej and i have a game of the same name.  i wear alot of low-cut tank tops with shelf bras, and, as i've posted before, i have a pretty nice rack, thereby showing a lot of cleavage. when playing booby trap, meej will come up to me and rest her finger in my cleavage, unannounced.  i then squash my boobs together with my arms and try to catch her finger.  if she gets it out of my shirt before i catch her, she wins, but if i smash her finger between my breasts, i win. boys aren't allowed to play.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         OK...when you are on a ski trip it is hard to know if a person is a boy or a girl right?  With all that ski stuff on and your hat and what not.  Well when I was 12 a boy just started to join me when I was snowboarding down the beginners mountain.  I was psyched, being a little 12 year old girl and all.  We had a lot of fun.    We then went inside to eat with our respected families.  I took off my hat and let my hair fall out of it.  I see the kid staring at me but I dont think much of it.  After we eat, we go out to the mountain again and he says to me....  "You have a lot of hair for a guy."  I was devastated and went back to the lodge and cried.    It was good times.  
        I dremt the Dilbert ran me down and stabed me to death with a pizza cutter...   Don't tell me my dreams aren't wierd.  
  Am I a genius because I scooped up the two ninja swords at the clearance sale before the wholesaler realized they were priced wrong??  Or am I a genius because, while standing in line with my two ninja swords and searching for my credit card, I realized, "hey, I don't need any fucking ninja swords!?" and then I put them back?  It's tough being a genius.  
  I got to see a suit of Henry IIIV's armor at the Tower musuem. Man that cat must of had a HUGE cock. It had it's own like armor case the size of a cantalope.....  No wonder he had so many wives.  
  This past weekend, while looking at a display of large, rare and exotic animals at the Mirage casino in Las Vegas I had the wonderful pleasure of seeing a beautiful male white tiger gracefully turn, lift tail, and peespray all over several tourists.  I got to smell them later.  Rank.        
  Every weekend my friends and I would attempt to get upto as much mischief as possible to get our names in the paper. The most special (and lowbrow) was when we did a stealth run to the local golf course at 2.00am pouring quickset concrete into all of the holes, then marking out 20ft pentagrams on the 4 greens closest to the fence with petrol and lighting them - then we all backed off into the woods with the video and waited for the Fire Trucks to arrive - They didn't come - bastards. They ended up having to dig up the greens to get rid of the pentagrams - happy about that.  
  "i am the eye in the sky, looking at you.  i can read your mind.  i am the maker of rules, dealing with fools.  i can cheat you blind.  and i don't need to see any more to know that i can read your mind.  i can read your mind."  alan parson's project - eye in the sky   this song is creepy enough when you're not tripping balls.  some things shouldn't be allowed to happen.  something should intervene, like when you try to divide by zero on a calculator.  everything should just stop, and then you should have an opportunity to try something else that won't cause a black hole in your psyche.  
  I want to find a word to represent the phenomenon of "dry-heave" that really emphasizes the dry, squeezing, tight, painful aspects.        
  2/4/02  I was walking to my car to go home from my friend's house.  I wonder why the jackass behind me is 3 feet from the curb.  It started to snow, and it was really fuckin' cold.  Turn on the engine, get my cheap Merit cigarettes scraper thing, and step out for some ice removal.  It was only after I turned on my lights that I saw the girl's head rise up from the guy's lap in that simultaneous arcing rise/head turn motion.  Even high school kids get more action then I do.  
     i print out all my favorite  lowbrow messages and keep them in a binder on my coffee table.  every now and then i read them.  thanks        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I found myself in a movie theater bathroom pissing in the stall. A woman voice said hi to me from behind. I told her not to worry, I'd put the seat back down. I had no idea I was in the wrong bathroom but the lack of shit on the wall and no urinals should have given it away. WHat I dont get is how womens bathroom toiletes get piss all over them? Is there another urethrea I dont know about?  
  more tales of the video store clerk:  you were probably wondering why we were all kind of gawking at you, and not making eye contact.  sorry, it's just really hard to concentrate when your tits are that clearly visible through your ultra-thin top.  
  i told her she was hot as shit.  she loves being compared to feces.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's something somewhat defeating about washing your one a day multivitamin down a chug of ice cold miller lite.  oh well.  
  Being laid off is great.  I wake up until 1 or 2 pm each afternoon, don't get dressed unless fuck meat is coming over, strive to do as little as possible, and then end the night by getting drunk and/or high and really have to think about where all that puke came from the next morning.  FUCK...I always thought being a bum would be cooler than this.  I really need to go back to work.  
  I once took a picture of my friend taking a piss off the highest point in the continental U.S.   The wind blew it slightly to the right.  
   Hate to break it to you gals, but the myth that guys don't believe girls shit is bigger than the myth that girls don't shit.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I awoke to the phone ringing. In a hung over daze I ran across the cold lenoleum floor to answer on the fourth ring. It was my mother calling from back home. "Well did you know your going to be a big brother again".   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
   One night she slept over and the cat spent most of the night humping her leg.   For the whole night she showed the cat way more attention and affection than she showed me.  I wasn't sure who I was jealous of..   the cat or her.  
  I once lied and told friends that I was grounded as an excuse to not go to a party.   I wanted to go.  It's just that I wanted to jerk off even more.  Which is when I realized I had a problem.  Funny stuff. I jerked off and then in those brief few seconds of desiring no sex whatsoever deleted every single bit of porn on my computer in one big drag and click.  I nearly wept when I regained my senses. No kidding.  
  I've cleaned up messes you wouldn't believe.  1) Husband's Margarita sick vomit in the car and other spewings I won't mention here 2) Daughter's viral spouts from both ends (while she was an adult) 3) Son's (see number 2) 4) Applied butterfly bandages on two different men while trying to stop the flow of blood (neither needed stitches because of my ministrations) 5) My mess after eating at a renowned seafood place in Louisiana and being food poisoned. I didn't have a bowl to hold while sitting on the hotel toilet so I used the toilet for the upper end.  During all of this... not one gag, not one vomit reflex.  But - I read about nose drippage here (you note I didn't use the other words) or I watch a movie with actors sucking it up or spitting it out or blowing it out...  and I have to hit reload here and turn my head while watching said movies because I WILL start gagging.   
  I was watching one of those MTV sex-type shows the other day.  It was about teenagers who go to conventions where people who like to dress up in animal costumes go to meet other people who like to dress up in animal costumes and have sex (with their animal costumes on, of course. The kid who they were following around in particular was gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, just letting you know the whole story).  Apparently, they make costumes that you can stick your dick out of, or stick a dick into, you get the picture.   I couldn't help wondering, what the fuck are these kids thinking?  I've been in some mildly compromising sexual situations, but how can you look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day after getting butt-fucked by a guy in a dog costume?  
  a cig always feels so much smaller after you have had a dick in your mouth.  
  she never gave me a compliment on anything except the size of my equipment.  strange.  i had always thought i would *like* hearing that.  talk about irony.  sheesh        
  true story.  it was a perfect spring day.  not too hot or too cold, sun shining brightly.  i was off on an errand, driving through the city, windows down, cd player blaring loudly, the harsh but poignant sounds of the dead kennedies' "too drunk to fuck" spilling out.  i'm singing to myself as i stop at a red light.  a car pulls up next to me.  i turn to look, being a natural observer of people.  also with their windows down, two nuns in full habits look at me.  i quickly turn down the volume.  
  Even after the guy from the NY Watershed Commission warned me, I still kept cutting firewood from their land. I was purty good at cutting down trees by then, even with my tiny 12" Homelite saw. I laced into another one, cutting the notch that tells it where to fall, and then cutting the downward slice to weaken it until it falls. It started to fall, as I'd designed it. Then the damn thing turned a 180&deg;, right towards me, but got hung up on some 'phone lines. The main 'phone line between New York and Albany (the State capital, for all you foreigners). I spent the next three nights listening to the wind all night, worrying about it blowing up and cutting off all communication between NY and Albany. I imagine, yet again, being deported. I finally call a friend who's dad is in the telephone line repair business. His dad gets back to me: "Don't worry about it -- we build these things so that they can survive a tree falling across them." I eventually go back out to it, and saw 6' lengths off it until it falls down. Warmed us for a whole month, that tree did.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'd been dating this guy for a few months and he asked me to help him rotate/flip his matress, so I did. We go to lift up the matress and underneth is a pair of white silky panties... not mine, that's for sure. He grabs the panties and puts them into his dirty laundry. I start laughing, and he comments that it sure has been a long time since he's rotated his matress. Later the night I strike up a conversation about it and learn that they are indeed his ex's. Then he says "When she comes back to pick up her computer desk I should probably give her those back too."  I sure hope I'm there for that...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once awakened, my sex drive has proved to be damn near irrascible.  I can't believe that I'm crabby all day if I haven't gotten off.  Do I need to ween myself off my right hand?  I guess maybe once a day is a little excessive... but it beats doing stuff.    The myserious joys of female sexuality.  Thanks alot, highschool health class.        
  Even after being out of rehab for three and a half years, every once and a while I just feel like doing some meth and building a space shuttle out of paper clips and tape in my garage at 4 in the morning.  Is that wrong?  
  A few years ago one of my friends made a homemade porno tape starring himself and his girlfriend.  Entirely unbeknownst to them, the tape somehow fell into the hands of another of his friends, and -- quite uncontrollably -- circulated among the rest of his friends, until it got to the point where the few of us who haven't seen it have at least heard about it.  Those of us who have seen it (of which I am regrettably one) can tell from the color and length of her hair that she was under 18 at the time this video was made, whereas he was not.  Although we all hate her, fortunately none of us really have anything against him, or this could be used as Evidence.  The stars of this movie have recently become engaged, much to everyone's chagrin.  If they stay together long enough to make it to the wedding, they're getting a very special anonymous wedding present.  I have to wonder what, if anything, they think/know/recall about that tape's disappearance.  
  When I was 5 years old I was running around the yard for some reason and ran smack into a chain link fence.  Left a nice inch-long scar on my upper lip.   Every time I look into the mirror I see this scar and tell myself I haven't gotten any smarter since then.  
  I opened the door as quietly as possible to my 3:00 calc class, and slowly shuffled to my seat.   "glad you could make it" my TA said.  "No problem ryan." I shouted back.  "I have to ask, why are you always 3  minutes late to class everyday?"  "Ohh, well the A-team comes on at 2:00 and ends at 2:57 and it takes me about 5 minutes to get here." I said  "You don't have many friends, do you?"  The sad thing is he's right, but the A-team still rules!   
  New apartment.  Had to get away from the parents.  No vacuum. No Microwave. No food. No couch. No TV. No garbage can. No beer. No money. No sheets.  I'm going to go visit mom & dad.  
  --"...Yeah, well when I was your age I wouldn't object to giving another guy a blow job. There's nothing wrong with that right? Nothing wrong with getting a blow job if you're not getting any from your wife... I haven't seen my wife in--" "I'm getting out right here at this corner sir. Thanks for the ride. Good luck."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i think the bathroom stall wall is like a lowbrow site.  "Jimmy is so HOTT!!!" "How come i always like people that are jut out of my reach?" "Amanda is a mother-f*cker!" "Damn straight!"  what puzzles me the most, is, do people actually bring pens in with them to write on the walls? that just grosses me out.  
  When I was 17, I worked at Krispy Kreme for several months. Our managers were two cool, laid back, and probably horny guys, so they never protested when I invited my girlfriends over to run around and generally take over the store.  One gorgeous Saturday I wasn't working, but I knew that my 2 managers were. Also, being that it was a gorgeous day, I knew thet we wouldnt have many customers, so 3 girls & I jumped in the car and headed over to cause some mischief.  After scarfing some hot n' glazed straight from the little conveyor belt, we run to the back and proceed to lock ourselves into the manager's office. We fiddled with the CD player, blasting the store with "Whenever, Wherever" and dis scandalous dances with the wheelie chair & each other for the security cameras. One of the guys, finally managed to bust into the office with an extra key and shooed us out. But not before watching our little show with great delight for a while.  On our way out of the kitchen and back to the front of the store, Nicole and I paused by a vat of chocolate that we used to dip the chocolate-covered doughtnuts in. Nicole looked at me. I looked at Nicole. "Do it." I told her, and she obediently dipped a hand into the vat, coating it in chocolate. She licked the hand happily for the rest of the afternoon.  Before we left, the 2 managers showed us how to make "Fatty-Boom-Batties"  recipe: Remove freshly-glazed & hot doughtnut from conveyor belt. Let the doughnut pass under the glaze "waterfall" for a 2nd layer of glaze. Dip in chocolate. Roll in sprinkles. Attempt to eat without barfing from sugar intake.   
  Speaking of 'find out who crapped their pants' -- I dated this guy for awhile. One time we were at the movies and we had to leave halfway through because he had stomach cramps and didn't want to use the public bathroom. I drove and he sat in the passenger's seat, moaning every time I hit a bump in the road. When we got to my house he ran upstairs and almost, but didn't quite, make it to the toilet. The sight of his washed-out briefs hanging over my towel rack was something less than an aphrodisiac. Anyway, he was always saying he was afraid that when we broke up (which was a given), I'd tell people about the guy I dated who shit his pants at the movies.  It's all the sweeter to tell because he was a real prick, always trying to sneak anal into our repetoire, even though I told him how much I hated it. Shitty pants bastard.  
  A while back I was at this small club for a drum & bass night when I ran into the ex-girlfriend of one of my best mates.  She'd got unexpectedly pregnant to my friend before he shifted over seas, and, well, we got to talking.   She told me that at the clinic they had found cervical cancer - she probably would have died if she hadn't got pregnant.   Later that night, as the tunes started banging and my E kicked in, me and her had cuddled on.  She left a little bit later feeling sick - she suspected that someone had spiked her drink.  I partied on.  That was a full night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I bought a little nylon WWJD bracelet a few months ago.  I didn't know what the thing meant, I was just intrigued   I wore it for weeks, spending free moments coming up with meanings.  "Why We Jerk Dogs" "Whittle While Jordy Dials" "White Weiner Jam Down" "Whimsy When Jerks Die"  Finally a friend said "Aren't you Jewish?  Why are you wearing the What Would Jesus Do bracelet?"  Damn it.  Now what do I do at stop lights?    
  When I was in 7th grade, a girl wrote, "You're very original" in my yearbook.  She was trying to be clever because she didn't like me.  I wiped a booger in her yearbook.  Who do you think got the last straw?  
  it's monday morning.  i'm at work, trying to forget how much i drank over the weekend, promising myself i won't again until next weekend. i get a call from a girl i know... one who has a boyfriend, but lets me make out with her when she comes into town. "so, we're camping about 20 minutes away from your crib tonight... just me, a bunch of other girls, and lots of vodka. why don't you head over?" the lowbrow part is that i'm not yet sure i'm gonna go.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yeah, I fucked them. Sad to say, yes, I did it voluntarily. But I try to write it off to elevating my karma. Pity fucks, you know?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was so drunk I decided to sit down and talk with the guy who'd just asked me for change. He was a good conversationalist too... But every time he got near to making a point his eyes would glaze and he'd go all quiet.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here I am reading the 'brow. One of the moments strikes me as hilarious. I start laughing hysterically as I reload. My wife asks what's so funny. I couldnt remember.  God, my short term memory is shot.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          There was a child. Most others saw him as nothing, he had few friends, none of which were well liked either. Contempt without having done anything, perhaps because he wasn't purebred WASP like the other kids, maybe his accent. Maybe no real reason at all.  There was a boy who fought almost everyday, for himself, for his few friends. As time went on it drove him too far. He would beat another bloody for just saying hello to him. Always suspecting behind any smile was some horrible trick or word waiting for him. He was always in trouble, though he usually didn't start any.   The was an adolescent who was mad. At the world and in his mind. He hated everyone who wasn't his friend, burning to hurt and maim. His days were spent either with a friend or alone. His nights spent by himself, lifting weights and punching cinder block walls to Ministry, GNR, and Megadeth. Hate, hate, cold and hate.   A sophmore, who took down seniors twice his size in phys-ed, not caring how big someone was. All the others were soft to him. They felt pain, they could be hurt. He was stone, when winter came with blizzards stronger than any in years he walked out to lunch in sleevless shirts without a coat. His face was expressionless but he laughed at how others shivered, wrapped in thick jackets. He wasn't heartless though. If a girl was short on money for lunch he would lend her some. Before the end of the year the school kicked him out after a dubious psychological test.   A senior, returned from reform school but with no belief that any college would take him now. He began to thaw a little, but not in time, he met a wonderful girl when his blood was still cold and missed his chance. He scraped by in everything but phys-ed, where he went to the weight room everyday. There most went to lounge around, and girls went to watch the guys. They watched him too, but as a freak. He didn't rest or stop, he was only 145 lbs. but stronger than he had any right to be. Sometimes he would spend the whole class doing endless sets of push-ups on his fingers, never slacking no matter how badly his body became exhausted or his muscles burned. He ate the pain and asked for more. He spent the prom night putting an exhaust on a Chevelle. He spent graduation night driving alone while everyone else celebrated.   Some time later, after walking out on a mindless labor job and finally giving community college a real shot, he sees how much he's missed. He doesn't hate the people he went to school with anymore, atleast not like he once did. A little jealous perhaps. He never had a girl to love, and his best friend since he was 4 years old no longer speaks to him. But he sees through things, and people, which most cannot. He can stand without need of allies.    In the long run pain can bring strength. A sword cannot be strong without first being beaten and tempered. Sometimes he wonders if others would have traded all the parties and young love and good times for his strength, his spirit. Afterall, they planted the seeds for it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         people on tv want me to admit that my world sucks. once i admit it, paxil will help.   maybe i should just stop watching tv...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sneaking quickly into her parent's house, we lock ourselves in her room.  She's the horny christian.  I'm the evil heathen.  Tension.  What if they... ?  But we touch.  Rub.  Kiss.  "What was that?!"  Nothing.  Kiss.  Rub.  Touch.  CRASH!          
  You're pretty lucky, my freind.  My girlfriend doesn't even know what hermitudesque means.        
  Today I was listening to my bootleg copy of Eminem's new CD for like the 100th time.  I decided that was enough...so I was kinda half driving, half searching for another CD.  First one I pulled out was, "The Carpenters - Love Songs" (not mine) and so I stuck that in.  Even more disturbing then someone bringing and leaving it in my car in the first place is that when I listened to it, I could actually sing along to all the songs...and knew ALL the words.  I sang extra loud to, "I'm on top of the world again."  My car windows were down, in the middle of the hood...that's NOT usually the kinda thing people in the hood are accustomed to hearing.    I think the sleep deprivation is starting to show.  (Sorry folks...they can't ALL be about sex.)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          We sat down beneath a gum tree on Cairn's seafront. Ending a magical day watching the boats sailing in after a day on the barrier reef. An Aboriginal strolled up and crouched down on the grass in front of us, and had a crap!       
  got a hat that says "jesus is my homeboy"  
  alright, about ten minutes ago i almost got hit by a car in front of the dorm that i live in. my life didnt flash before my eyes, oh no...all i could think was, "jump so it doesnt break both your legs."...so, i jumped, and she managed to stop.  that bitch, she cost me free education for the next four years.  
  So, we got the ultrasound today, and it's a boy.  The technician gave us a printout of the angle where you can see his manhood clearly.  Even drew a little arrow pointing at it.  So I'm going around work, showing this picture to everyone, all proud and shit.    But then it occurs to me- isn't this a little weird?    "Hey, check out this photograph of my child's genitals."  Is this child porn?  My lesbo friend laughs and says, "That depends on how you react to it."  
  I used to help my mom with the laundry when I was younger.  Everytime I got to my brothers socks I would be disgusted by how yellow and crusty they were towards the toe area.  I thought it was because he would wear them over and over again and the crust was sweat buildup.  Wasn't til a while ago that I suddenly remembered that and realized what it really was.  All I can think about now is how I would pick the socks up by the tippy top so I wouldnt touch the crust, while my mom would just grab them and throw them in the washer.  To this day all I can help wonder is if she even knew what she was getting all over her hands  
  i was addicted to a pizza place around the corner from me here in manhattan.  i ate there for lunch yesterday.  about 10 pm, i walked by to grab another slice while i was studying.  it was closed by the commissioner of health.  my stomach don't feel so good.  
   To make this story you have to know that I'm an 18 year old male. After coming home from getting double team hickeyed (did you know that hickeys can bleed?) my mother inquired what they were from. I replied in a high pitched voice " I've been a VERY bad girl!"     She laughed, nodded and said no more.  
  I was walking along an aisle in the supermarket one day, looking for the goddamned tinned beans, when an arm was slipped round my arm and a happy voice went "Mother?"  "What the fuck? I'm not your fucking mother! Are you goddamned blind? Do I look like your fucking mother?"  It was then I noticed he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and had a white stick slung over the arm that wasn't mine...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is a gas station in upstate New York that has a huge sign of a female beaver in an American flag bathing suit.  This beaver had the biggest rack I've ever seen.  They literally jutted out from the sign in two huge, beautiful 3-D mounds.  We took a picture and kept driving.  
  Tomato festival in my town.  Another excuse for people to get together, shut down the roads to downtown for the weekend, get drunk, and act like asses.  They bring out porta-potties so as not to inundate the local businesses with people yearning to leave something behind.  They were all from the same company:  M&M Sanitation Company.  I have never eaten M&M's again.  Especially the peanut ones.  
  It was Easter, and I had finally decided to tell my parents that the girl I had been writing home to them about was actually a man. They were out at the cinema with my aunt, and I was taking a shower. On the way back to my room from the shower I was met by the family dog, Minkles. I started to pat the dog, and bent over to give him a huge hug, and that's the exact moment my family members walked into the house...and me with my naked cornhole dilated for all to see! There was nothing I could say that would "rectumfy" the situation.        
  It was toward the end of the work day and most of the regular staff had left already.  So I pop an acid jazz tape in this old crones radio.  Not two minutes later she walks back and starts yelling and screaming at me about how I'm such a poor excuse for a human being.  I pointed out that she was describing herself in many of her jabs.  She follows up by "If you were my child I'd put you out of your misery!"  I laughed her out of the room.  
  Shaved bush? Hairy bush? It don't matter to me. It's all good bush, or at least I like to think so.  Funny, though. When my wife shaved her bush, she got this massive ingrown hair - an angry red welt like a beesting on top of a marble under her skin.   And for no apparent reason, I had a horribly ingrown hair on my armpit at the same time. We were comparing them when she squeezed mine. Pus squirted out like my ingrown hair was orgasming, and while she wiped it off the bathroom mirror, it oozed down my arm. She squeezed and squeezed again, milking my ingrown hair until all the pus was gone.  I couldn't bring myself to do the same to hers; hell, it was right next to my dessert platter. But after she did it herself, I didn't mind the lump rubbing on my cheek while I pleasured her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My sister is in love with Axl Rose.  That's not the worst part.  She's actually proud of this.  That's STILL not the worst part.  The WORST part is that she's 34.  You can take the trash outta the trailer park.....  
  I was at a Trey Anastasio show with two of my very best friends, my mom(she likes Phish a lot, so she came with us), and a guy that was being a real asshole but that's not the point.  My friends had wandered off and were getting stoned(I was so jealous)and the guy in the row in front of us turned around and offered me the joint he was smoking.  I regretfully turned him down.  Later on my friends were back at our seats with us, and my mom turned to me and told me how proud she was that I had "just said no."  I could see the fear in my friends' eyes.  It quickly glazed over.  
        Someone asked about the age of consent in IN>  No idea. But in NV, it is 14.  Yay.   
  On New Years I was making out with some girl, that I really didnt want to make out wiht.  I was basically doing it because I didnt have the heart to just reject her, tell her to get away from me.  I've always had this problem, tleling girls I'm not interest, not saying I've had many opportunities to do so, but it was especially hard to do so on New Years.  So as the night went on, I kept trying to find new ways to avoid her, but she would always end up coming and sitting next to me, and we'd make out.   So at one point, she stops kissing me and says "do you even know my name?"   Thinking this was the perfect opportunity to repel her, without actually rejecting her, I tell her no, that I cannot remember her name. She says, "that's ok, I can't remember yours either" and continues making out with me.  
  I was in old navy today, and saw that they had jeans on sale for $20.  I really wanted to get some, but i couldn't try them on.  Why?  I only wear panties when I'm on my period.  So, you ask, what's the problem?  A true lowbrow girl would just try them on anyway and not worry about getting them dirty.    But I wasn't worried about the pants.  I was worried about the other sick lowbrow girls who had tried the pants on commando BEFORE I got to them.    This site makes me paranoid.  
    i used to work in a cooking class at a summer camp. me and my coworker would smoke out of apple bongs in the walk in fridge, then mind fuck with the little kids. we'd make huge lines with the flour on the chopping block table using a ten inch carving knife, then ask, Hey, boy, wanna do some lines???? we'd throw random food items at the wall or ceiling, conduct bizarre food experiments, freeze things, eat or accidentally 'drop' an annoying campers food.....even though i was in front of a 450 degree oven for hours every day, it was such a fun fuckin job........    
  I live in Tucson, AZ. A real shithole if you've ever been there.  There's a strip club called the Bunny Ranch.  I'm a "regular." I don't know what that means except that the bouncer knows me by name, which is a fake "Ted."  I go every Thursday and spend $80 everytime. It's a good use of my Dad's money. There's one stripper called Temptation that I always get a dance from. We have a "thing."  This Thursday she wasn't there. I don't know what's worse, that I was sad that she wasn't there, or that the stripper I replaced her with accidentally kicked me in the face, knocking my glasses clean off, breaking them, and leaving a nasty bruise on my face.  I told everyone I kicked the shit out of the bouncer for looking at me funny.  
  Driving my car (an automatic) over a bridge today.  It's huge, takes about 5 mins to go over it.  I cross it twice a day, once going to work, once going home.  Sometimes, just for the hell of it, i'll put it into nuetral, and just coast down the other side, then chuck it back into drive once my speed starts dropping.  (Speed limit is 80k/ph, i sit at about 90)  Did the same today.  Tyres screeching, lotsa LOUD horrible noises coming from under my car...pulled over, trying to figure out what the hell happened.  I had put the fucker into reverse instead of drive - at 90 k/ph.  I'm guessing i've fucked my transmission totally.  Laughed my arse off though :)  
  My friend and I were talking one night up in my room the Monday after my boyfriend had been to visit for the weekend.  In a fit of laughter she threw herself on the bed, then sat up trying to spit something out of her mouth...    "I really hope this isn't what I think it is."    "Well, it can't be mine cause they aren't there..."  I think that's closer to him than she's ever wanted to be...      
  "Fuck Columbia, were gone!"  "Dood, I left my stuff in the hotel room. We gotta go back."  "I'm not going back Ryan. Not with that guy in the room."  "But its my stuff!"  "You can get new stuff Ryan. Theres no way i'm gunna try to fight an insane black man for 2 days worth of clothes and a toothbrush."  "I had a pack of ciggerettes in there man!"  Sound of vain in my head poping fills the car.  "Ohh, well then that changes EVERYTHING."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so for one reason or another our 2nd offspring liked to scream at the top of her lungs day and night (and continued for about 5 years)..meanwhile I was working on tenure so working till 2am every night and coming home to sounds of crying and getting up at 7am for work.. this went on for about 3 years.. meanwhile my coworker was desperately trying to get my job and happily breezing in at 10 and playing Doom and still coming up smelling like roses at the weekly research meetings.  People there comes a time when ya gotta decide what ya gonna do. So one night I carefully boiled all that fuckers reagents and stuff and contently watched his work turn to shit while I swung in like Tarzan and saved the day.... Now he's long gone into the deadend void and hey I'm still here.  May daughter has stopped screaming as well. You have to know when to turn. Sometimes it is simply you or them and .. it better be them. What you thought it was all a game?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was really into this girl, she was really into me. She had said so. We sent each other emails. She was religious, we talked about the concept of God. Everything I said made her juicy. She said I should go to a church to cultivate a relationship with god. I told her I thought churches, basically any large institutions, were hypocritical in nature and I would never set foot in a church.  She never emailed me again. Another fucking email was too much effort to try to save my soul from eternal damnation? Man, when I hook up, I want it to be with someone who would try more than once.  
  what sucks is, is that no matter how much you masterbate, it will never replace the urning, burning desire to have some one there, with you,  so you don't have to do all the work.  
   sometimes in a moment of angst when i am gazing up my own proverbial asshole i wonder whether quantuum theory extends to human thoughts               think about the positively fucked-up impications if it does.       
  Two tales of smoking pranks.  First, my friend, who had very long hair at the time, pulled out the hair from his brush and rolled it between his hands.  Thinking it looked like a joint, he decides to roll the hair up in a Zig-Zag.  Looked like a nice fatty.  Along comes another friend, and we decide that he should get first toke, since all of us are already stoned, its the nice thing to do. (Never trust a nice person)  Big heaving, hacking coughs, tears in his eyes, almost threw up.  It was really funny, course he didnt think so at the time. (Years later he does)    The other one, a little less drastic happened to me.  Im over the same long haired friends house, wanting a cigarette, and he points to one on the table.  I start smoking and we are talking about tthe time we did the hair joint, and he and gumby (another friend) are talking about the time that they completly covered a cigarette in snot (i shouldve noticed the long haired one had the sniffles) and let it dry and gave it to a friend to smoke. I of course am laughing, wishing i had been there to see it....  They decide to let me in on it after i had smoked it down to the filter.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just got done kicking back a few with the on-grounds security guard.  Drank three beers on an empty stomach and didn't even feel it.  Think I'm gonna go out and have him buy me more.  Then I'll spray paint the dumpsters and barbeque with an open flame on my balcony.  He's in MY pocket NOW biotch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Working where I do, I'm constantly yelling at little kids to slow down, to not run, and to generally not move fast around me. Now I feel when something young and short moves quickly by me, and I naturally say, "No running." The last time I said this automatically, the kid had a really witty response. He said, "I'm not." He wasn't.  I told the kid in the wheelchair not to run.  
  When I worked at TGI Friday's back in the '80s, we used to call the fajitas "for Jesus." We had both "Chicken for Jesus" and "Beef for Jesus." Once while I was waiting on a table, who seemed like the fun sort who might find that amusing, I read their order of chicken fajitas back as "Chicken for Jesus."  After their food was delivered, I came back to see if they had everything they needed, and they all had their heads bowed over their plates--in prayer.  Come to think of it... admitting I worked at TGI Friday's is lowbrow enough.  
   I was in an auto-parts store wondering why the girl at the counter was smiling at me the way she was. I'm not the sort of person that gets a lot of smiles from anyone, you see. Well, except those nervous defensive smiles, but I digress.   It's when I'm walking out the door that I realise the wife-beater I'm wearing doesn't cover the rather serious looking claw marks on my shoulders and upper back.   I only wish they really had been the result of something more amorous than my sleeping on the floor every night and thus occasionally being run over by the dog.  
  The realization that masturbating is much easier with foreskin on, rather than circumcision. One of the many things I think about on the subway ride home...  
  So we go bowling again. So once again my six year-old gate-crashes a birthday party, but this one hosted by his "girlfriend" from the hardware store. As they are leaving, she asks for a kiss. He's much too busy chasing a little girl around. His "girlfriend" is maybe 19, maybe 20 -- I can't tell these things anymore. Numbers I do have down cold on her are that her bust is 38", her waist 23", and her hips 34". I'm actually a champagne-glass sized tittie man myself, but with the reality standing in front of me with silly ribbons in her hair, I'm undone. Me: "I'll kiss you!" Not even a laugh. They're gone.  
  We had some friends in from out of state a while back. This of course meant that there would be much taking of assorted drugs. On the final day of their trip I was closing up my work (a retail store located in a mall) and some of my friends were hanging out after a heated game of RISK (it's a geekstore). The weekend had degenerated into them huffing the cans of compressed air we use to clean our computers. At one point one guy takes in what is easily the deepest intake of air I've ever seen. But it wasn't oxygen he was inhaling.   He puts his head down on my counter and I immediately think he's about to die. A minute later he slowly lifts his head up, and dribbling from his chin down to the glass of my counter is a 6 inch wide pool of drool. The look on his face was a parade of expressions: pain, happiness, innocence, more pain, and that dull look that one gets when they've just killed several thousand braincells.   If I'd had a camera I'm positive I'd have created the ultimate anti-drug campaign picture.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While talking to my boyfriend about my smoking habits, he said, "Dont you think you've been doing it quite alot lately?"  I replied, "No, until tonight, I hadnt smoked since Sunday..."   "I hate to tell you this, but its only Monday!"    DAM...I just realized that    
  having a smoking section in a public restaurant is just as bad as having a peeing section in a public pool  
  "...actually, just sitting here beside you qualifies as the best erotic moment of my year so far..."  Suddenly, she spots my young stud-muffin friend John across the bar.  She grabs her bag, and is gone without a backward glance.  I watch her shining tawny hair, her sparkling tawny eyes, her incredible, taut, tawny marathoner's body quickly walk away.  I turn to the bartender:  "So, Brendon, do I look sufficiently like a pathetic. drooling, middle-aged idiot?"  Brendon shrugs sympathetically, but doesn't say anything.  He's too busy folding his tongue up and putting it back in his mouth.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Around 2nd or 3rd grade summer, I had taken a trip down to the swim hole (public pool) with the rest of my day care (yeah I know, dare cair rulz).  So anyways, we've been there all day, and the "teach" decides its time to make the 1 mile march back to day care a'la the street.    Prone to taking off my swimsuit after completing my swimming requirements for the day, I decide its time for me to get out of the wet suit.   Well, thats typically not a problem cept for the fact that I do it in front of the entire pool.  It was one of those moments where your brain unconciously goes to talk to god/sockpuppets and leaves your body to fend for itself.  It was about two or three minutes of walking "in the bare" before one of my friends (scared and scarred) walked up to me and said, "Hey you know your butt-nekkid right?"    'Hmmm...' I thought, I pondered on this before I fully understood that I had begun to change in front a shocked and obviously awkwarded crowd of people.  Yay for pants and quick reflexes.  
  good news.  i don't have testicular cancer.  i spent all this morning in doctor's office after a series of seizing pains in the scrotum.  but that's not the lowbrow.  while they were ultra-sounding my testicles, the nurse turned the lights down low so she could read the screen better.  so there i am, with my pants around my ankles, cold green gel on my balls, holding myself with this sterile paper-towel covering things, with a largish (and intimidating) ultra-sound wand approaching my nether regions, and all i could think to say was:  "damn, you really sure do know how to set the mood."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she says to me  quote  so he cuts a slit in a ping pong ball, puts the head of his dick in it, tucks it between his legs and puts the ping pong ball in his ass  endquote  i'll let you figure out the rest  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day i ran into a former girlfriend, my one true love by the way, as i was walking through a sunny Stockholm, we had not seen eachother for at least 4 yrs and we rapidly exchanged phone numbers that i scribbled down and tore out of my notebook i always carry around just in case...   And with a kiss that promised more we parted with promises to call!  A couple of blocks away, lost in the maze of the Old town i looked at the note and saw my own cellphonenumber!   5 days later i left for my next assignment in the UN, former yugoslavia! When i came back a year later, she was married!  Kids, always check the number! I do...  
  to phatcheops@icqmail.com:  It's not that hard to type with socks over the hands... Socks aren't that hard, they would be easier to type in than a mitten, which I've tried (it was cold last winter)...  and even if someone was a "masterbate O' Holic" as you put it, why would someone have a sock over their hand?? God created napkins for a reason, you don't have to worry about staining them.  
  i feel bad throwing away the empty beer bottles in my dorm garbage can.  the housekeeping personel come in 3 days a week and empty the garbage, and it would make a lot of noise and wake me up and i'm sure they get enough bottles to lug around already...  plus i figure i can recycle them at the convenient recycling bins on campus.  when my mom came to visit a month after i turned 21, i hid all the left over bottles in my closet drawers between the sweaters and stuff so my mom wouldn't think i'd been drinking a lot.  then my aunt came to visit a month ago and i had to hide some more bottles.  my mom will be back in like a week.  i think i've got about 4 drawers full of bottles still.  i just hope she doesn't want to see the new sweater i shoved in one of those drawers....  
  I never even wanted to try anal sex.  Up until I went out with Meagan, I was never even given the opportunity.  After fucking Meagan for nearly 6 months, she started talking about anal sex.  I refused at first, mostly because I thought it was dirty, unclean.  She assured me it wasn't, that she had done it before, that she would clean thouroughly...etc.  She kept asking me til I finally gave in a few weeks later.  She told me exactly how she wanted to do it (doggie style) and proceeded to put the condom on.  After a few minutes of orientation, we settled in a groove, and, for a short period I actually enjoyed it.    I probably shouldn't have pulled out as far as I did, but when I did, I saw shit.  Shit. Feces. Poo-Poo.  I vomitted.  Not alot, not even mouthful (managed to keep it from coming all up).  Just a little bit of it.  It landed on Meagan's back.  She thought it was cum.  She rubbed it in, moaning and "yeah, baby, yeah"  I vomitted again.  Alot.  All over Meagan and her bed.  Needless to say, we broke up. Now I've found a nice girl who has lots of desires, but no desire for anal intrusion.   Thank God.   
  My out-of-control Irish buddy Patrick goes to a big Main Street festival with some friends. Lots of police around, looking wary. Some asshole sets fireworks off in a doorway near where he stands. Five cops are there in no time, demanding everybody empty their pockets. Patrick drunkenly obliges, showing them the entire contents: Some change, a lighter, some firework wrappers, and a gorgeous purple dime bag...  
  ever fed a pig bacon? they love that shit.    
  i still think one of the funniest bits of verbalizations to be emitted from a human is the shitfuckdamnshitshit exclam singleword multi syllable dont really know what to do but you do instantly know you are fucked big time yelling thing usually accompanied with the stamping of feet and flailing of arms despite the best intentions of the owner of the arms to squelch the whole deal fun to watch and even more fun to do        
  I thought the fact that i'm no beauty would mean i wouldn't have to deal with idiots coming on to me at the drum circles/fireparties I love so much.  But it seems their only requirements are   a) has tits. b) shows some signs of life.  Mastectomy anyone?      
  Gone camping on the delaware river gap, musta been 'bout 16 or 17 yrs old.  arrived late, got to pitch tent at the edge of our group's site. me and my friend go for the old pass-out a few hours before we're gonna be up and tackling the whitewater.  'cept for the couple behind our tent:  him(very slurred): "cmon, i just want ya ta suckit....just a little"  her: (giggles) "but im a good girl, naw..."  this goes on for about firty freaking minutes before slurping and slucking commences. awright, start to doze off into blissful slumber  A half hour passes, and now there are only two guys where previously there had been the blow job couple. it sounds like the blow-jobeee was reveling in his luck with his buddy, telling him all about the head he just got.  (zzzip)  Blow Job: " agh...dude...agh .... at least wait til im gone to jerk off ...."  lowbrow gods.   
  President George Dubya, on his first official trip abroad, was riding with Queen Elizabeth II in her state carriage when one of the horses  saturated the air with about 100 litres of warm, rancid, hay-smelling fart.  After a few moments of tense silence, the Queen turned spoke:  Q: "My apologies, Mr. President, but there are some things that even a queen has no control over."  W: "That's OK, Lizzie -- if you hadn't said anything, I'd a thought it was one of the horses."  
  I worked in Vermont for a few years during which time I had the priviledge of being friends with a simply beautiful 16 year old.  Now it wasn't like that. She used to talk about what sluts her little friends were.  Even that didn't get to me.  Then one day she says:  "Oh my god, we were at cheerleader practice last night?  We went to our coaches house (a young lady) and she popped in this tape of cheers.  Someone in the back said 'watch it be a porn' but the coach said, no there's no porn in this house!  The tape came on and oh my god it was some guy fucking the shit out of this girl bent over a coffee table.  We all shreiked and she shut it off sooooo fast."  Well, that got to me.  Still does.  
  Once I had this fighting beta fish.  I was cleaning it's little bowl with mild soap and hot water and I usually liked to put the fish back in warm water cause I thought that would be nice for him after the  relative trauma of the cleaning transfer into a dixie cup.  I guess I made the water in his bowl to hot cause a few momements after I put him back in him nice clan bowl he went belly up.  I felt the bowl and it was really toasty.  I couldn't face flushing him so I tossed him out the 6th story window onto the prostitutes waiting for the party bus outside my then dorm . . . water and all . . .  
  The local farm got a new tenant farmer.  He had a son our age.  He was English, we were Scottish.  Stuck-up little Sassenach -- he couldn't even talk right.  So we took him haggis-hunting, deep into the old-growth forest.  Had him sit down with his back to a tree ("Ye see -- that way the haggis'll no be able to creep up on ye."), and gave him a "genuine" haggis net.  We hid ("So we don't spook the haggis"), watched him from a distance for a while, then, when it started to get dark, we left him there and went home.  
  I went the the "Tavern" restaurant a while ago with my "psuedo boyfriend".  It was bad enough that it was 10 o'clock at night and the restaurant was packed, and every white-trash family had a gaggle of white-trash-lings running around making noise.  It was bad enough that the food tasted like cum and wax in a red plastic basket.  And it was bad enough all the women were 50 pounds overweight and wearing, of all things, pedal pushers (I'm sure they all thought they were quite the vixen).  But when a mother hauls off and changes her toddler's diaper, right there smack-dab in the middle of the restaurant, that was IT.    ...I knew then that was one dinner that was going up on Lowbrow.  
  I went up in the mountains in Arizona with a couple of friends to trip on Shroomz for the first time. I was the really loud obnoxious and talkative type. Three hours later I was really tired but because of the altitude I was still high. I retired to my tent to let my trip finish so I could get some sleep. Before I took the magickal shroomz my friend told me to go to the bathroom beforehand but I didn't listen. And I was too high and mighty to shit in the woods...but i had to go. The only ones still up were my best friend and her boyfriend. They were right outside my tent and complaining about how obnoxious I am when I'm high. So while I'm in my tent I'm trippin and thinking I'm Super MArio Bros....so I laughed really fuckin hard and farted the fart to end all farts.   At least they stopped talking shit about me.  
  I read this comic called "Transmetropolitan" It's all dystopia and what not, good read for the geek in everyone.  Anyhow, is it wrong of me to want a dystopia just so I can be the anti-hero? I seriously sit and ponder on that for hours... What the hell is wrong with dystopia anyway? People are still stupid, no matter how you look at it. More of a lowbrow comment, in the dystopia even the anti-hero gets some.... Perhaps thats more like me   
  My friend matt and his other friend flew down to texas to pick up a car they had won. On the way back they were driving extremely fast because the speed limit is a lot higher in the midwest. As they crossed over one state border the speed limit dropped drastically and unaware they continued driving fast and got pulled over.  The cop talked to them and gave them the usual routine, you know, "blah blah you boys were driving fast, blah blah, any drugs in the car.." They were a little stoned but they replied no and played it cool and hoped they wouldn't get a ticket. After asking them these questions, the cop leaned down and look at them each in the eye and asked:  "Do you have any dead babies or stolen golf clubs in your trunk?"  Puzzled, they replied, "Good lord no!"  "Alright boys, drive the speed limit from now on and have a nice day."  Totally bugged out by this experience, they pulled over at the nearest restaurant to gather their thoughts.  In kinda makes you wonder if it was some kinda joke the bored pig in the middle of the desert played on them to pass the time....you can just imagine him back at the station at the end of the day saying...  "Hahaha!! Yeah, i used the old dead baby routine on some stoned kids again. Man, that gets them every time."  
  The guy thought by having a big party, all the kids would like him. But he didn't foresee Spently bringing a huge bag of Quaaludes. Things got out of hand. The house was wrecked. Everything (except the cat) had a go in the microwave, and things were arcing in there like a roman candle on the 4th of july, and the cat probably would have gone too if we'd had the patience.  The guy got thrown out of his house and lived the rest of year in fleabag motel before enlisting in the marines.  He never talked to Spently or me ever again. I even thing he's in jail now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         it was the middle of july.. very hot.. my 6 month old daughter and i were shopping at wal-mart... it was also very windy.. i am fanatical about keeping my car doors locked at all times.. dont ask me why.. anyway i laid the keys in the car long enough to reach down and tie my shoe and the wind blew the door shut.. yes it was one of those little fiberglass cars.. and my baby girl was locked inside.. i called the police and they told me they couldnt get it open because it had a theft proof lock on it so they would have to bust the window.. but this guy comes up wearing all white i swear and grabs the blackjack away from the cop and with one swipe unlocks my door .. the cop said have you done this before and the guy smiles and walks away.. i take my daughter out of the car and turn to thank him and hes gone        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever look at someone and think, "Wow, natural selection must have taken the fuckin' day off."  
  "It can always be worse," she said.  Yeah, no shit. I know it can always be worse...  That's what I'm afraid of.  
  Overheard at the grocery store today:  Little Kid:  "Mom, today my teacher said that Indians gave us food when we came over to their land, is that true?"  Mom:  "Yes, then Whitey killed them all."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so my girl said she didn't like the new cologne, but i wasn't going to argue, it had been free.  i thought it smelled pretty good.  so i said, "i don't know what you're talking about.  i'd fuck a guy wearing Tommy."  
  i like moderate sex, nothing too freaky and none of that upsidedown shit.   
  In Portland, Oregon- in the Northeast side of town(which is the most ghetto part of town, but still not a "real" ghetto) there is a particular business along the side of a major thoroughfare.  Nothing special, I'm not even sure what they do, but they have a giant sandwich-board sign in front of their store. The sign says "WE OPEN 7 DAYS!"  Lowbrow enough, but when someone vandalized the sign, injecting the word "are" between the words "WE OPEN" the company cleaned it off within a week.  The sign got vandalized again, completely obscuring all words.  They got a brand new sign, once again proclaiming "WE OPEN 7 DAYS!"  A buddy of mine suggested we steal the sign- which I surmised might be difficult to do, "Seeing as they open 7 days and all..."  I just want to call them, and ask: "What days you open?" to see if I can get those sweet words spoken to me.    
  Don't remember what he said...my reply: "What begins with f and ends with u-c-k?" That gets me a funny look. "firetruck!"  we both laugh. Ah the great lameness of fourth grade jokes.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was little I wore pajamas with the foot bootie attached.  One morning I proudly crapped my pants and the log rolled down my leg. I stepped on that log all day, every time I walked, until my mom finaly discovered it        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sorry_e_e@hotmail.com does not equal mwuu1383@flpop.net  although i have been drinking with the bastard since he could pick up a cup again for scoring purposes        
  So I had just finished downloading some more porn when she got home.  She sighed and just shoook her head. I figured it would just take a few days and she would be over it again.    A friend of ours just called me and said he downloaded some terrific pics of my woman last night and thought it was cool as hell that I didn't care if other men jerked off while looking at her and that it must be awesome to have that kind of relationship.  It made me sick.  A true lowbrow moment of realization. In a wierd way I understand how she feels now.    Cheated.  
  I saw the "Vampire" Mike Cassel tonight.  He emerged from the back room,hunched like this wasn't his scene.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  take my word for it, running up the 'down' escalator isn't NEARLY as easy as it looks. or even possible, for that matter.   imagine my surpise when I found this out. in front of: my boyfriend, his friend, and the video store clerk I was lusting for badly.  
  Back in high school, probably 10th or 11th grade, a really square, nerdy, sort of friend of ours sees us one morning munching brownies from a large brown paper sack in the hallway. He really wants a brownie. Naw, you don't want any of  these  brownies snicker snicker oh allright if you insist... You'd think that the big stems and chunks of leaf left in them would have tipped him off, but he just said that they sucked after eating a whole one and walked off.  He didn't even know he was baked all day. (yeah we know how to make brownies without ruffage in them now in case you were wondering)  
  On a whim, I tried one of those "find your old schoolmates" sites. I actually found one of my old schoolmates! (Not one of the ones I was looking for, though. Joan Jack and Judith Baxter! Write to me! I still love both of you!) But he was a good old friend, nonetheless. I remember that the teachers and most everybody else thought he was stupid. He explained that he was finally diagnosed as being dyslexic. So I write him back, in my normal style, complete with a whiff of my ol' Tourette's Syndrome honesty: "Fergus! Great to hear from you? Glad you were finally diagnosed as being dyslexic, since all the teachers and most of the kids just thought you were just stupid! "Q: What do religious dyslexics believe in? "A: Dog."  
  To all those with an e-mail address that ends with ".gov" (the real ones!):    You're welcome    You see, we (ie. everyone else on lowbrow) pay you for surfing lowbrow at work.  I'd be pissed that you're wasting my tax money, but a) I'd be doing the same thing, and b) 'browing is probably more productive anyway.  Gets you away from doing "important" things, such as writing up reports and such to aid the new CA measure to give driver's licenses to illegal immigrants.  
  health class today, teacher passes out a worksheet describing the fourteen signs of depression   nine out of fourteen...  she says that people with more than three should go to guidance immediately  go home, play medievia, do it over again the next morning  waiting, just waiting for the right day  
  Blowfish  When I was 18 I worked at a gas station. One night I was on with Paul the night mechanic and Dan, my fellow gas jockey. Paul was sitting at the desk in the office reading the paper and Dan was leaning waaaay back in a chair going on about some bullshit story while gazing up at the ceiling. I could feel a fart coming on as I wandered into the office from outside so, with no hesitation on my part, I walked up to Dan, planted my ass right on his face, and farted into his open mouth (Paul would later swear he saw Dan's cheeks puff out like a blowfish's). This was no pathetic little toot either, it was a sweaty, just-ate-chili butt-trumpet of a fart that lasted a full second and a half. Dan quite rightly went insane with rage (I'd never seen someone go insane with rage before or since, it's really an amazing thing to behold), grabbed a very large wrench, and proceeded to chase me around the garage bay's for the next few minutes with every intention of beating me to death. I'm convinced that if he'd caught me he would have done just that, and since I could barely stand up I was laughing so hard he nearly did, twice.  I'm in my 30's now and as I look back I realize that that was perhaps the proudest moment of my entire life.  
  My brother and I got lost walking doen the alleys of portugaul going back to the hotelfrom a Pearl Jam concert.  After having indulged in a bit too mcu alcohol I finally had to squat behind a car.  About mindstream headlights hit me. Between the platforms i had on, my pants beind around my ankles, and the hurry of trying to move I ended up peeing all over my leg and new shoes.    My brother started laughing at me so hard he fell over in the ditch.  long night.         
  I get up sometimes and wonder how close I am to some sort of event which would change my life irrevocably, for good or bad.  I wonder how many similar events I have already gone through without my knowledge.  I took a really big shit this morning, but I don't think that was one of them.       
  Once I was at the food court and had eaten a nasty burger so I went to dump my load so I got in the only empty stall. Unlucky for fucking me I was constepated but the guy next to me sounded like he had a laxative or something. He was letting out explosive farts and diarrhea here and there. After about 10 minutes he's like "Whooo, I think I fucking destroyed that toilet. What a shitty mess!" and then he got up and said "One word of advice, don't get the chicken fried rice" and he left.  
  It was the first blindingly-bright day of the Summer and I popped into Revco to buy some cheap sunglasses.  She was 70 or so, dressed very neatly.  She showed me where the mirror was and we chatted for several minues, me with a big price tag sitting on my nose.  When I said that I'm in medical research she looked at me like a I was a hero.  I just smiled and left her to her fantasies.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  She sleeps with some funny guys. She is very very beautiful but like farm guys (the ones with a missing tooth in the front, badly shaved, smeling like piss, greasy hair,etc). One day she aproaches me and says: "I think oral sex is discusting!!!" But I didn't asked a thing......damn.  
  in my 20 years on this planet, i have not given one penny to public television.  for a period of several months in 1998 and 1999, i was a frequent and skilled shoplifter.  i broke myself of the habit before i could be caught.  i am a terrible person.  
  I used to feel bad when a homeless person would ask me for change and I would say no. I still wouldn't give them any money (the average panhandler makes more than I do). Then Dallas imposed a $500 fine on anyone caught panhandling. Now I don't feel so bad. If they can afford to pay the fine, then they certainly don't need my pocket change.   
  once, I slept with this girl at a family wedding who told me she was on the groom's side, as was I.  We had a knee-knocker near the garbage bin behind the reception hall.   next day, she shows up at my uncle's house with her mom, who turns out to be my aunt, making her my cousin.  the wedding was in Alabama.  some stereotypes- so true.  
   (Concerning the two-foot boner Shamu was happily sporting in what I hope to god was one of the less conventional performances of Sea World's premier act.)   My six-year-old sister and my four-year-old self, the height of wide-eyed innocence:  "Mommy, what's  that ?!"  She, the young mother, only freshly graduated from both college and Catholicism, the height of admirably convincing sincerity:  "I have no idea!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know that feelingwhen you're holding a glass, and it slips out of your fingers for no reason and even as you realize it you are powerless to stop it so you just stand there like a fucking idiot while everything shatters into a million pieces?  I just realized that's been my whole life.  Waiting for the shattering with a stunned stupid helpless look on my face.  
  Sometimes to mentally let off steam, I make a list of everyone I hate and various ways I'd like to kill them.  Unless I'm horny... then I imagine what if I had a really nasty venereal disease, who and how would I fuck?    
  Normally, a guy buying a Tickle Me Elmo would strike her as cute, but this guy was just plain pathetic.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  this girl was really drunk. she was wearing a animal print metallic coke whore top with no bra  she was screaming like a banshee into her cell phone about not having cab fair  maybe if she would stop screaming her fool head off and started being more "considerate" with her mouth she could get somewhere...  
  My dad gave me this used laptop for my birthday.  It needed some help so I helped it.  I loaded the very latest versions of windows and office.  I upgraded the memory.  I repaired a problem with the keyboard.  I loaded a new BIOS.  This little IBM is more powerful than the big desktops we have at work (OK that's not really saying much but it's true).  What do I do with all this marvelous technology?  You're lookng at it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my ex-boyfriend sucks.  he sucks partly because he is my ex, and partly because of irreemable personality flaws.  one night, over christmas break, i went to the tap house with a big group of friends.  ex was there, sitting across from me.  he knocked over my purse under the table, and when i wa scrounging around trying to put it all back together, he stole five of my cigarettes.  he went to the bathroom, and i stole his lighter, hoping to render his stolen cigs useless.  everyone saw me take the lighter.  when he left later, i took out the lighter and lit a round of cigs for everyone, then put it back in my pocket.  ten minutes later he came back.  he came back for a crappy yellow bic lighter.  he could have gone to 7-11, but he had to have THAT lighter.  i looked at everyone.  they looked at me.  no one gave it away.  he left, frustrated.  i love my new yellow lighter.  le flambe de victoire!  
  At night, sometimes, my thoughts turn to little people. Midgets and dwarves. I wonder what it would be like if all world governments were run by such people. Would snacks taste better? Would the International Monetary fund shrink?   
  So the three of us sat on the bed in a cheap motel room in Yucatan discussing the best way to remove an embedded tick from Claudia's ass.  I wanted to hold a match to it. Her then live-in wanted to pull it out with tweezers. My soon-to-be wife thought we should cover it with nail polish to smother it.    We must have spent an hour looking at this one section of Claudia's behind trying to figure out how to remove it.   That's what you do for entertainment when the rooms you rent don't have TV.        
  The Jazz musician with the faded fedora walked from table to table saying,"Stick around, we've got another set."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Hey! Pay Up!        &nbsp;             
  I am not a big fan of "hospitality." So when the new neighbors moved in, I only noticed because I was sweeping the porch off at the time, and couldn't miss the fact that their kid was definately short bus material.  Later that day they rang my doorbell but I didn't answer because I didn't feel sociable.  Later on I was out in the yard and the wife strolled over. "Hey, we rang your doorbell but you were out or something. Were you gone?" "No," I replied without thinking, "but I've already seen your kid." She wandered off, bemused.  
  I love amateur porn. I mean the real stuff. Not the 99% of it out there that is really just porn stars, but real pics of people's wifes & girlfriends. Much harder to find. For some reason those porn star girls just do nothing for me. I guess the perfect shape and fake tits just do not seem real to me. And I think I know why. I have never dated anyone who I consider to be truly attractive. So here I am in my porn fantasies looking for "normal" looking girls. "real" girls. The only real part is that my self esteem is so low that even in my fantasy life I do not rate a good looking chick.  
  went to bed last night at 4:00 (give or take)stoned and drunk.  couldn't get the girl whose bed i crashed in to make out with me.  had to get up at 7 to help my parents move (still drunk).  am now at work, just smoked a cigarette which tasted like shit. waiting for the girl i've been seeing for five or six months to call (she spent last night with her ex).  seven more hours before i can go back to sleep.  shit.  
  My friend Will took me to an indie rock show at the FuBar, otherwise known as Castle Greyskull (it looks just like the castle from the HeMan cartoon). Your typical little club, it's dark and dank and holds about fifty comfortably. the stage is makeshift, only about six inches off the floor. We're watching this random emo/indie/whatever band rock out on stage. I'm getting pretty bored, so I go back to the bar and get a Coke.  I come back and there is some guy on stage, pants down, humping the stage.  The lead singer doesn't know quite what to do, so he tries to ignore him. The guy keeps humping ans starts moaning. The rocker, who has that crucified Kurt cobain look to him, stands on his back. the dude keeps going. One of the bouncers passes up a cinderblock. The plop it onto half naked boy's back. He keeps humping and moaning, while indie boy stands atop the cinderblock and plays the guitar.  The song ends. Humping boy jumps and and gallops off through the crowd, member flapping.  I have never seen a crowd part so fast. ~puck~  
  Once I was tripping and was with a woman.  She thought it would be romantic to make love under the stars, so we went to an open field.  About halfway through I made the fatal mistake of looking up.  The stars were having little dog fights in the sky, flying around shooting at each other.  This went on for about twenty minutes until she nudged me and asked me what was wrong.  I had completely forgotten she was there.  Now how romantic was that?  
  Guys who play an instrument are sexy.  Guys who play the flute are sexier.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         --quote-- Been joking about this for a long time, but tonight I finally did it:  Wendy's has a Tripple Quarter Pounder Sandwich...3/4 of a pound of meat and I have been telling ppl that if I ever saw a Quadruple-Quarter-Pounder I would buy it just on principle. (yes that translates as One Pound of meat.)  So tonight I just figured I could ask them to modify an existing burger for me. Aparently they alredy had such a request anticipated - only $00.89 to add another Patty to a burger!  Got fries and a drink to go with it.  I am Stuffed.  - Child_o_Gaia@yahoo.com  ----endquote--  At the wendy's near my house, the menu not only included a grand slam, or some other monstrosity which came as a 4 patty burger, the menu also listed "Double the beef for $.99" or the like (with reference to the bacon double cheese or something. A two of my friends went up, and ordered the triple, and doubled the beef (note, that is 6 patties), I however, being 6'1" and 170, did no such thing. The next time i went back however, i ordered the single, and doubled the beef, she responded, 'so you want a double..?', 'no, i would like a single, and double the beef, its $.50 cheaper'.  they took it off the menu that day.  My 6 patty friends were pissed.   
  Me - "Do you like it when I kiss you there?" Her - "Yes" We passionatly kiss each part of our bodies while we strip naked.  Her - "I want you inside me" Me - "I love you" We make love up to the point that I'm about to get there.  Me - "I'm about to come!!" Her - "Come inside me" After the post-climax snuggle I get up and pour her a hot glass of tea.  Me - "Here you go Sweetie" Her - "AAAAARGH! You DRANK from that glass!  I don't want to get your GERMS!!"  I'm still trying to figure the logic in that one.   
       I noticed how when you smoke a clove the filter "implodes." This can't mean good things for my lungs.  
  sometimes i go through phases where i'm so completely consumed by a bunch of basically unimportant things i forget to buy stuff. stuff being food. honestly, though, i thought a microwaved hot dog with some cheese and a little mustard in a leftover tortilla shell (all warmed) would suck.  if it wasn't so ridiculously ghetto and embarrasing, i'd probably eat it all the time.  
  i work at walgreens. a little iranian man returned monistat 7. no shit. when someone returns something we have to make them fill out their name addy and reason. he put "didnt know how to use"  ahem. people are morons.  
  First joke I told my then girlfriend. (She passed the test - we're now happily married):  Q: What do Kodak film, Woody Allen, and Arm & Hammer baking soda have in common?  A: They all come in a little yellow box.   
  I can't keep up with the utility company names anymore. Seems like every time I receive a bill, the name has changed. I just write a check and send it off, hoping that my gas/electricity service will continue.  
  i'm bleaching my hair and it's already a boiling inferno in my apartment. i have foil on my head. and i'm eating hot and sour soup. i had salsa and chips before then. i think my head is going to combust.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You just know there's something wrong in the world when you see more Valtrex and antidepressant commercials than asprin ones.  
  i think i'm going to name my first male child "yourmom"  i can see the playground scene now... "what's your name?" "yourmom!" "shut your mouth!" it'll prolly warp him, but i'm hoping it'll make him a tough little fucker  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Right now I'm working at Marshalls.I work in the shoe department.Hopefully I won't work there to much longer.Anyway,the other day this lady comes in and completly destroys one of the aisles I just spent two hours cleaning.She was leaving things on the floor,putting shoes in the wrong spot and placing them on the self backwards.Meanwhile I'm watching her do all of this.When she notices me she realizes what she was doing and says,"I'm sorry,I'm usually not this big a slob but I'm in a hurry."Then I look her over.She is overweight,is wearing a stained shirt and she has a hole in her sweatpants. For some reason I didn't beileve her comment that she wasn't always a big slob.   
  darkhairdgrrl: Christian Zionists - many from the United States - express a religious fervor no less fanatical than Muslim extremists possessed by a spirit that motivates them to destroy others in the name of God. Christian Zionists raise millions of dollars for Israel. They do it to hasten the return of Christ, which according to their own peculiar interpretation of biblical prophecy cannot occur until all Jews have returned to Israel to rebuild the Temple.  darkhairdgrrl: what the hell? Davin Carten: LOL Davin Carten: yeah, im sure christ can be hurried along!   
  saw a bumper sticker the other day...  "BANDWAGON AMERICAN: loving my country since 9-11-01."  I wonder where I can find one of those...  
  one night, when halfway to dreamland, i felt some sharp discomfort towards the tip of my dick. being half asleep, i just pawed at it with my hand. but the feeling wouldn't stop, so i got up and walked to the bathroom where there was light, and took of my boxers, to find a little black ant had found its way to the hole and was trying to get inside or something. when i grabbed him, he held on for life as i pulled him off. i squashed him and drowned him in hte toilet. the hole of my prick stung from the bite. for weeks i wouldn't sleep in my usual comfortable loose boxers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the two cab drivers I had to choose from were both  asleep; one slumped in a bench outside the terminal  and one leaning back in the driver's seat and snoring  up at the ceiling of his car.  I was having difficulty  deciding on which one to give a fare when I noticed that  the one still inside his cab had his neck stretched out  and exposed in such a way that one could imagine it  might attract the attention of a random murderous throat  slitter walking by who would be pathalogically unable to  resist the overwhelming desire to cleave its fragile  countour thereby releasing a glorious fountain of blood.   I got in his cab pretty convinced I had just saved a man's  life.  
   I smiled at him and looked him in the eye. Then I punched myself in the mouth, hard. Without breaking eye contact, I spit a mouthful of blood all over his plate of fried chicken.       
     too bad they dont paint the steps to the fuck you dance in the playgrounds like hopscotch boards elipses     
  i still say the folks who make out the best during the holiday season are the booze manufacturers cheers        
  As I was out walking thru the 'hood today running some errands, I came across a young woman struggling to haul a 15 foot roll of carpet up the stairs to an apartment.  As I passed, she got my attention and asked if I would like to make 10 bucks in 2 minutes helping her to get the load up the stairs.  Being a neighborly kind of guy, I was happy to help for the sheer joy of doing my good deed for the day.  But afterward, as I walked away, I wondered:  Do I look like I needed the 10 bucks?        
  I like Monkeys big super monkeys, even when they pinch my arm zippity bang, orangutans never did nobody no harm. I like monkeys punky, funky, monkeys When they wear bandanas... I feel overwhelmed          
     It was the third time we'd had sex. She was on top. Things were going well. The she started ramming her pelvis into me, screaming, "take it, take it, take it."     On the way home from her abortion I decided I couldn't.   
  her moment:  browsing Hot or Not out of sheer boredom, I come across this chick whose profile in part reads "I am deaf and can talk real good. Don't be afraid to talk to me!" cool, she's overcoming her hearing problem. then in her "keywords", she lists "listening to music" and several bands. how does that work? guess it was my moment too, for being on Hot or Not in the first place.  I couldn't bring myself to the extra lowbrow mile and try to meet her.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         fucking friday night sucks. not a goddamned thing to do. sitting at home smoking hash and drinking pabst blue ribbon again.  
  My best friend and I used to work at Pizza hut. We made pizzas of course, and were damn good at it. Well, when you got pizza sauce on your hands, you just dipped them in this big bin of mozzarella cheese to get them clean. The cheese is going on the pizzas anyway.   Well, one day when we were extremely busy, some asshole customer ordered a sandwich (who the hell gets a sandwich at PIZZA HUT!?) And I made it. My friend was making a pizza right next to me, and as I cut the sandwich in half, I sliced open my thumb.   We were really busy... and I didn't have time to sterilize and bandage the wound... and the cheese WAS right in front of me, so I thought "What the fuck?"  The Bloody Thumb Incident will live in infamy forever.  
  rachael got a $10 gift certificate to the convenience store she works in today. apparently, she successfully avoided getting fined and jailed by not selling alcohol to a minor sent in by cops. she herself is underage and told me that she is going to sell herself some beer to celebrate, and use that little $10 gift certificate to pay for it all.  
    I remember in one episode of the Simpsons they joked about how Homer would have to rest his beer on his genitals, after destroying his insides by absorbing repeated cannonball impacts.  I'm resting my mostly empty jug of vodka on my crotch as we speak.   ...   I'm not really in a mood to laugh, I guess.   - benzarro@whatsyoursn.com     Is it funny that it's several months later, and vodka night again? I didn't either! Hallelujah Halloween, pass me the bottle, suckers.   
  I gave her the ring box and told her to take it only if she was serious.  She asked if she could see it first. I knew I was in trouble then.  
  Living in rural NC, you experience really odd stuff.  A local here has a few horse he keeps in his front yard. Instead of having the standard fence, he tries to keep them corrraled (sp?) with chicken wire.  They escape on a weekly basis.  When the moon is full, and the sky is clear, we used to ride around at night with no headlights. I know, stupid thing to do now.  One night we were doing about 85 down this straight-away in our buddy's 84 Chevy Suburban. We see movement in the road ahead, and turn on the headlights.  There are the horses, standing in the middle of the road, about 6 of them, and they start running from us.  That 4200 pound suburban spent the next 15 seconds sliding erraticaly down the middle of the road, with all 6 of us screaming at the top of our lungs.  Once the smoke stopped, skidding became quiet, and the truck became still, I opened my eyes to see that we had narrowly missed all the horses. In fact, we managed to slide right between all of them.  All of a sudden, a large "thump" came from the rear of the truck. I look in the rearview to see the horses running towards us, out of confusion of course.  Apparrently one of them ran into the back of the truck. He got back up and ran off into the woods.  Dumb horse.  
  Actual conversation with a college admission interviewer:  Me: Well, my parents worry that I'll turn into an alcoholic yale student.   Interviewer: They're worried about the drinking?  Me: No, they know that'll happen no matter where I go, it's the Yale that has them concerned.     
  a white-trash couple used to work for us.  one day, the male was saying he was going to put new wood floors in his trailer home. "on your salary?  isn't that shit expensive?" "naw, man... plywood's on sale for 6.98 a sheet this week."  
  My father's wife has no tact whatsoever. She is not a bad person, just terribly self-centered. One time I am visiting them with my girlfriend. And I am talking alone with the stepwitch answering her question about how keen I am on my girl. I tell her "pretty keen, but, confidentially,  sometimes I wish she was a bit more assertive. Not twenty minutes go by before the stepwitch is alone with my girl, telling her that I really would like her to be more assertive! My girl's jaw drops in horror as she stares in wide-eyed disbelief at the stepwitch's meddling and looks her in the eyes and says to her "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!! Is THAT assertive enough for you?"   
  Oh So Low  My friend's sister: Bright curly long red hair, a year younger; not necessarily innocent, but beautiful  enough that you would want to believe so. I wanted her sooo bad, but I had no chance.  Spent an evening getting drunk stoned and drunker. Decided to crash at said friend's house. Parents were out of town, and the girl of my dreams was out for the night. It was then decided that I was to sleep in her bed.   This should be the part of the story where she comes home and we have fucked up sex and all that. Not in this lifetime. I masturbated with her panties. Panties as in plural, one pair on my face the other sailing south. I kinda miss high school.  
   I come from one of those families in which my current parents are my biological parents, they're still in love, they love us (my two brothers and me), and everything, while not perfect, is still kinda "Leave it to Beaver"-ish.  They've (my 'rents) have never had to declare bankruptcy, don't beat us, support us in what we do, and forgive us our mistakes.  My brothers and I, while we can be dicks to each other, love each other dearly and will help each other in times of need.  I used to think this is the norm.  In elementary school, we used to talk in hushed whispers about the kids whose parents are getting a divorce.  Now that I'm grown up, I realize that I'm the freak and am going against the status quo.  While talking to friends about family problems that I can't comprehend or even parallel with (Dad's a complete dick, I'm gonna get my ass kicked when I get home, I just got kicked out, my brother steals from me to buy dope, etc.) I wish that I had gone through some of that in order to further sympathize and help friends through.  In feeling this way, I think I'm taking what I have for granted.  But I still can't help feeling that I'm somehow better than people who haven't had my upbringing, and I feel bad, and kinda guilty because of it.  But hey, I can blame it on my parents, right?  
  I work in a lingerie store. As such, there are so many moments I could post about that.  We were having a busy day and I was working the cash desk like a motherfucker. I was in the midst of packing some panties, which were strewn across the counter. Another girl needed some of the space, so I apologized and blurted out "Wow, I've got my panties spread all over the place".  I didn't even know I had said anything wrong until I looked up at everyone in line. Their mutual expression was one of shock and trying not to laugh at me.  
  About 5 years ago, I went over to her house, we chatted, we laughed, we made out.  We're getting hotter and heavier, she announces she doesn't want to have sex with me (she had a new b/f and didn't tell me), so she lays me down, breaks out the baby oil, and starts whacking.  Time passes (not much, I was horny), and I told her the time was near.  She kinda pointed it away from herself, and I let loose.  It flew.  I got some on my shoulder, next to my head on the pillow, and on the stereo speaker next to the bed.  I didn't know cum will stain that black fabric on speakers.  I was over there last week, she's living with her b/f now, and the stain is still on the speakers.  He has no idea.  
  One day, I went to my bank's website to see how much I had in my account.  Lowbrow moment number one was that I had less than two dollars.  Anyway, my bank's website is disgustingly hard to do anything in.  It is a labyrinth of non sequiter and ado.  After much harassing of it, I finally wrangled my way to the sign-up area.  It wouldn't let me use my normal password, because the password actually HAD to contain upper  and  lower case letters  and  numbers.  Things were needlessly complicated.  After spending a few minutes I finally settled on an acceptable password, something I believe was fairly obscene.  I told Jeff what it was, to elicit a laugh after my grueling ordeal.  Fast forward many months, and I'm eagerly awaiting my tax return.  I go to my bank website to check it.  To my surprise and utter chagrin, the format has changed again, so I spend the next half hour storming the Normandy of my credit union web interface.  Then I get there...  And I've forgotten the fucking password.  So I ask Jeff what it is, he checks his logs, and finds the thing.  So as it turns out, not only did I forget my password, I had told it to somebody over aim.  The password for my bank account information.  But on the plus side, it all worked out in the end.  If I hadn't told him, I never would have gotten my password.  So take  that , cautious thought!  
  something to do when you're bored:    go out and search for really dirty cars and write on them "I wish my wife was this dirty". good for a few laughs, not my fault everything in philly closes at 6pm.  
  As we walked past the jazz club I noticed that they had an open mike night and thought to myself "how  scary"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  i'm sitting in the dark, wearing only a blanket and slippers, watching the commentary track for "royal tenenbaums."  i've been drinking my 2 litre of coke, and i have to piss like none other.  but somehow, i get an erection first.  so i go into the shower and rub one out.  now, i've really gotta piss, but i'm still at full-mast.  i'm not normally one to let rip in the shower, but when i do, i like to aim for the drain.  unless i can pull a hand-stand, no such luck.  i never even bothered to close the curtain, being that i live alone.  but then i realize it won't be my bathroom 2 months from now.  so i let fly, and lo if i don't hit the opposite wall, which is a good 12 feet or so away, at least.  damn, i was proud.  i wonder if i can manage to put up with that puddle of urine over in the corner for 2 months.  
  The only way I can tell when my boyfriend is high is that when he's high, he likes to imitate Asian people.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Old Age Dating #1   Mildred: "Would you like to go the movie with me?"  Maxwell: "I'm already going with Agnes."  Mildred: "I'll hold your thingie if you go with me."  Maxwell: "Agnes says she'll hold my thingie"  Mildred: "What's Agnes got that I don't?"  Maxwell: "Parkinsons."  
  In high school chemistry, one of my lab partners was this guy named Jordan. He had long black hair, wore mainly dark clothing, was one of your stereotypical Mansonites.  One day in class, we were doing something with rock salt. All of a sudden Jason gets this sly grin on his face, says "I have a great idea," wraps up some rock salt in a paper towel and pockets it.  Next class, he tells me what was up. After school, he walked down to the nearby elementary school. Stood around on the sidewalk for a while. Eventually, he sold the rocksalt to a couple of eighth graders, convincing them it was crack cocaine.  This, in itself, just proves that he's a bastard. What earns him respect in my eye is that they came back. Twice. Apparently they thought the burning sensation was part of getting high.  Jordan made a lot of money that way...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had one of those pimples that's underneath the skin...yuck. So I picked at it and ended up peeling the entire little cirlce of skin that was over it off. Yuck. Now I've got a little circle scab on my face. Nasty. At first I was humiliated and was always trying to keep it covered at school. Eventually though I gave up.   Here's the lowbrow: Everything was the same. No one stared at me or acted weird or made any cruel comments. When I think my face has been horribly marred, I realize it looks the same to people as it always has.  Realization of one's own ugliness: priceless  
  I saw girl walking down the hall wearing jogging pants.  Across the ass of the jogging pants was written "DOLLARD."  She had a crazy wedgie. That wedgie fucker had completely consumed the L and the A.  I followed behind DOLRD ass the whole way, hoping to see those two letters fall back out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my pad is giving   me  a  WEDGE!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         lying flat on my back in the softly lit room,  watching the marijuana flourish in the skylight  as a sexy dreadlocked boy gave me head........i  contemplated how things have changed  somewhat since i left home.  
  climbing the creaky wooden stairs to a gay bar  he's after hot boys  I'm after chicks that go to gay bars to drink in peace  two such appear at the top of the stairs  he normally doesn't swish  but now he just flips out   about how beautiful they are  wrists flapping  lisping  gushing about their hair  their lips  their breasts  you have to feel this!  suddenly I'm fondling a perfect stranger  caressing her nipples through the sheer fabric of her top  they giggle about how silly we are  one of them lifts her skirt to show us her thong  then they're gone    whoa    he grins  you owe me    
  After a party, we think our friend has had too much to drink. We tell him we want to hold his keys - Can you drive?  His reply, "I'm perfectly fine. I can drunk!"  We keep the keys.   
  It is always great to be outside at night when your wasted.  My buddy Dan decided to be a dick to me, so I snuck over to his truck, popped the hood, and barfed all over the engine.  I bet that smelt good when you were driving home, BUDDY!  
  Juju; I absofuckinglutly detest the name.  If I ever change my name I think I would change it to Diogenes because it's hard to say, and even harder to spell.        
  We hadn't been in the new place very long. I am a dumbass, and don't consider the fact that tampons might not agree with the 25-year-old plumbing. So of course it gets clogged. It doesn't really flush, the water just goes higher and higher until it's about to overflow (and I'm freaking out and picking up everything off the floor), then the water goes down a little. I don't realize that the tampons are causing the problem (did I mention I'm a dumbass?), and we don't have a plunger, so I don't do anything about it. I figure it will go away after a day or two.   It doesn't. I tell him, several times, don't use the toilet. Lucky for us there are free facilities right across the street. One day, he needs to take a vile shit and just can't hold it anymore. So he uses the toilet. It's still clogged, and we still don't have a plunger.   Instead of buying a plunger, we try putting various chemicals we have around the house in there to see if it will break things up. The smell becomes overpowering, so he adds used coffee grounds to it, and I spray tons of cheap-ass cleaner we happened to have that stinks almost as bad. But it covers the shit smell.  A good four days later, we have a foul, festering bog in the bathroom, and even though we keep the door closed, the whole place smells. Finally I go buy a plunger and, with the help of a friend who I will love for the rest of my life, get the damn thing flushing again, with both of us gagging and wretching from the foulness of it all.   I don't flush tampons anymore. And the smell of that cleaner still kind of makes me gag.   
  I was dating this girl, nothing interesting, so lets skip forward to the night she first gave me head.  Nothing special, just a blow job, but like a good girl she swallowed.  Of course, afterwards, there was some leftovers that she didn't get, so she grabbed a few tissues and cleaned herself off and threw the tissues on the table beside her.  A few days later I'm back at her house and the cumstained tissues are still lying on the table, unmoved.  What a nice girl, huh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The cab ride was long.  He told me about his time in the Navy, how he'd seen the world.  I told him about going back home and how much I missed the hills and trees.  We both agreed that Florida is an awful place.    So he pulled up in front of the airport and I tipped him nicely.  "Have a nice trip" he said, to which I replied in a fit of absent-minded courtasy, "You too!".  I'm still kicking myself over that one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day I was walking along with some friends when I saw a handle sticking out of the marble sidewalk.  I pulled on it and realized that I was in the sword in the stone situation.  So I went to look at the sword and realized that it was actually a pizza cutter.    I replaced it because the cops were coming.  They bet me 60 dollars that they could pull it out.  Of course I took the bet knowing that there was no way they could pull it.    I ended up making 120 dollars from the police right before I woke up and realized that my dinner was done cooking.  Mmmmm pizza.        
  the ONE day of a year where we don't have to wear our generic baggy red polo-type shirts to work (providing that the shirts we DO wear have no logo's and are of a limited set of bright colours). i ACTUALLY remember! and ten mins before work, go digging in my closet for the one shirt i own which isn't black and wasn't stolen off of one ex or another.. find it, and wonders of all wonders- it's CLEAN! pull it on and wear it to work, feeling proud of myself and not giving it another thought... only to remember later exactly WHY it was at the back of my closet... it's a *little* see-through........  but i've never gotten so many sales working the hardware department ever before......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Before I have to reach over there, pull your head off your fucking shoulders, and play soccer with it, please understand something."  "What?"  "NOO-KLEE-UR!!  It's pronounced NOO-KLEE-UR!!   NOT  NOO-KYOO-LUR!  Look at the way the fucking word is spelled!  The 'l' is  before  the 'u'!  Just fucking get it right!  Jesus!"  God the things I wish I could say to the people with whom I carpool without the possibility of losing my ride.  
  i went to a 'smart' high school.  our dances were not traditional dances.  in lieu of the latest rap songs, we tore it up to 'istanbul,' 'video killed the radio star,' radiohead, and the techno remixes to both mario and tetris.  we twirled glow sticks long after the rave thing was passe.  the smelliest, counterstrike-est, pastiest, acneist of nerds got out on the floor and shook it right alongside the cutest girls in the school.  it was a time of unabashed geek bliss that didn't require drugs or alcohol. God bless the divergent thinkers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         driving home, rush hour Moscow- Lou Reed on the radio.  shane quotes some bible passage from the back seat.  turning up the volume to drown him out, i chime in  "and the colored girls say: doot,da-doo,da-doo,doot,da-do,doot-da-doo..."       
  Remember this, kids: just because something looks like it could go in your ass doesn't mean it should.   I'm still crapping Oscar Meyer.   
  The Paper Caper  Sunday night and graveyard shift at the hospital is coming to an end. I stroll through the out-patient area and swipe every roll of toilet paper from every restroom and then confiscate all the extra rolls in the janitorial supply closet. Happy Monday morning, everybody!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This was in my early drivingdays. I was learning how to drive and was coming home after a successfull lesson with my father. I was turning in on the driveway and was suposed to park but for some reason just went on (this was a big car with an automatic so it didn t stop when you let go of the gas). My father, not cing what was happening (or actually not happening): - Stop...(calm voice) Me fiddeling with the pedals - Stop! (nervous voice) Still fiddeling with the pedals - STOP!!!!! (freightened voice) By this time we where almost entering the garage of my parents house and it was about time to do something so I panicked and stomped my foot down on what I thought was the break...   What happened next was something toally sureal. As I put the "pedal to the medal" the engine made a roar and made the car leap through the doors of the garage. The light of the day turned into dark as the walls of the garage passed by the sidewindow of the car.   Strange enough we never hit the back wall but instead stopped in the middle of the room.   So how did we make it. Well at the same time as we hit the garagedoors my father pulled the handbrake in pure desperation, thereby probably saving both our lives.   The real lowbrow-moment however came after this when the neighbors had to come and saw the remains of the garagedoors so we could get out of the car.  My dad never gave me any punishment or anything for this. Instead he insisted that I drove the car out of the garage after the way was cleared.   Luckily we had insurence wich covered both the garage and the car.   Up to this day I still think of this when I park in front of my parents garage.  
  A friend told me this story and I found it quite hilarious:  Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decide to make a stop at one  of those rest areas on the side of the road. As I go in the  washroom the first stall is taken so I go in the second  stall. As I sit down I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?"   I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in  washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do  so finally I say: "Not bad..."    The voice says: "So, what are you doing?"  Talk about your dumb questions. I am starting to find this a  bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom,  then I'm going back east..."    Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you  back, every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the  next stall answers me!"   
  Walking into the brewpub last night, my favourite barmaid Janine looks  extremely  grateful to see me, which should have tipped me off, but didn't.  Nine guys arrayed around the bar, all giving Janine their undivided lust and ribbing her mercilessly.  I gleefully join in, until I notice that this normally-unperturbable woman is really shaken up.  But that wasn't until after I had delivered a few bon mots, like "Hey! There's nine of us and one of her -- let's lock the door and grab her!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mother's minivan is out to kill me.  It's going to jump me while I'm sleeping.  
     I paint houses for a construction company. So, naturally, I am surrounded by big burly men with mullets and bad attitudes. I am 6'5", but only weigh 180 pounds and have hair almost half-way down my back. I've also been known to wear dresses when I need some amusement. (But NEVER to work.)   One would think I'd act as masculine as possible while amongst that crowd.   ......................................   Today I ran yelling around a corner with a broom in my hand as fast as I could, getting away from a wasp nest I hit.    They'll probably kill me tomorrow.   
  ahhh the good old days when me and my cousins all older and growin boys would pile into the shitty car and ride down to mcdonalds for 49 cent cheese burgers on a wed. evening of course the limit was fourteen so we always had to argue to see who would hafta go inside and order 14 more   
  i'll never forget being about five years old, my little sister two or three, me sitting on the counter in our tiny stuffy little bathroom watching her cry and sweat on the toilet.  she was extremely constipated.  it was a pitiful sight.  the whole family was involved in the solution.  i sat on the counter and fed her raisins while my dad encouraged her to push and my mom eventually stuck her finger in and dug the crap out of her.  she sat just sat there crying and grunting.  i felt really sorry for her.  this happened several times.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were celebrating my friends birthday, we had done quite a pub crawl, and he was completely trashed, our last bar of the night was half empty, he sat at a table with his forehead plastered to the surface, noticing he wasn't doing so well, i grabbed him and took him to the bathroom to see if he'd puke his guts out, he stood at the urinal and looked at me..."no..no...i don't have to puke, i'll be alright", "geezus man, you don't look so good, puke and you'll feel better, just do it here!", "no, no, i'll be fine", so, going against my advice, he stumbled back into the bar, we sat down, he resumed his position on the table and i continued drinking, shortly afterward, we look over and he's puking all over the bar floor, the bouncer notices and says "get your friend the FUCK out of here...NOW!!!", my response..."he's not with me...he's with those guys!"  
  Most of the imbeciles at the bars are so dull that I would rather get a 6 pack or a bottle of wine and sit in front of the tv (or lowbrow.com) by myself.  Come to think of it, it's more interesting to sit in front of a block of ice and watch it melt.  With or without the 6 pack.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was leaving the mall after visting my friend who works there. I was walking past the make up counter and saw an attractive young lady there with her mom. The young lady was getting done up by those evil 40 year old cosmetic women. As I walked past the young lady I told her "It looks real good on you". She smiled. I smiled and went home and drank because I realised that I am so pathetically single that was the only smile from a female that I had gotten in months. At least I think I made her day.  
  My best friend gives me a call one afternoon and tells me that she just lost her virginity.  We proceed to talk about it and how wonderful it must have been.  "No" she tells me.  "We were in the middle of screwing when I hear this noise that sounds like a fucking machine gun."  Oh my god! Someone had a shootout outside of his room? (he lives in a bad part of town) "It was like a shootout in the fact that something died, the mood.  That is the noise he makes when he orgasms."  Hee.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When you're going down on a girl, and you notice that there's a tiny bit of toilet paper stuck down there, is it better to try to discreetly remove it, or just to work around it and pretend it doesn't exist?  
  Used to hang out in irc a lot, especially this one channel. Ongoing soap opera, major player this chick who said she was dying of brain cancer. Had one of those bravely suffering blogs, the works. It went on for years. I mean, NO one has brain cancer for that long. She even got the channel ops to alter the rules so her text-to-speech software could handle the chat, because of course she'd gone blind. I knew, I just fucking KNEW she was faking it. No one would listen to me. She got tons of guys hitting on her, I guess hoping to be the "last one." I heard the other day she finally confessed to someone that she wasn't sick at all, it was her big hoax for attention. And I screamed YES! and flung my arms in the air and danced for joy at being correct. Too bad I couldn't go back and rub my knowledge in their faces, since I've been pretending to be a hot young guy for all the time I've been chatting in there.  Hey, gets me more pussy than if they know I'm a middle-aged woman.   
  On break, going out to have a smoke and chat with the ladies.  when a fellow student emerges with INCREDIBLE news!!  Seems he had ran into some luck with a woman oover the weekend and decided to share his exploites with a certain female, and myself. I got laid, I got laid he praised. being more excited than the situation called for.  He began to spin his tale of the first older woman to us and when he was done, without missing a beat, he says "OH yeah, she was my first in a wheel-chair"   
  my room mate, hi troy, remembers when i got food posining and shat and threw up on my self all night. He thought it would be a good idea to continuasly remind me and his freinds about this.  So i decided revenge was the only caus of action.  He came home to find me playing the playstation. i had a muffen i baked with a most of a  box of crushed laxitives in sitting on the table next to me. "Want a muffen i dont have time to eat as i gotta catch a train"  troy grabbed it and started eating it i heard him comment on its odd taste befour i pretended to leave. I hid in the study waiting for the muffen to do its magic and my plan to goto stage 2. it took longer than i thought about 15 min later i hear him go to the bathroom in an awfull hurry. The noise was terable. like somone playing the bag pipes in a pool of mud. and every so often it would be punctuated with a cry of "oh god" or "holy shit" and lots of pig like grunting.  The clever part of my plan was that i had  1, removed all the toilet paper and tissues in the house. In the end i think he used the newspaper. 2, i had placed a tape recorder under the bath so i got it all on tape. i havent used the tape yet but i think i will label it "Mixed Korn tape" as he likes that stupid band. and leave it out one day when his friends are over.    
  She looked at me.  I stared back.  She smiled...  God damn I just want her to know I like her.  I soon waved goodbye and walked off giddily whistling The Lion Sleeps Tonight knowing we never spoke a word but we stared in each others eyes with happiness and love.  My penis is now 15 inches in length.        
  to this day we dont know whether he called himself "daddy fat stack" or "daddy fat sack". but what we do know is that we have never laughed harder in our lives.  
  i drove up to canada for the weekend. on the ride home, some asshole was riding my ass for 100 miles.  was he gonna follow me all the way to jersey? i sped up to 90 mph; he was there. i slowed down to 45 mph; he was there. then he started with the highbeams. let me tell you, driving for 5 hours leaves a girl in no mood to deal with middle class, old guy bastards who wanna play games. finally joe schmucko put on his blinker....lo and behold! he was pulling into a rest stop! 'should i go get 'im?' i asked myself. ah, what the hell. so i cut him off, sped into the lot, and managed to pull off a funky doughnut in front of where he was parking. heh. that's another grey hair for him.   he got out of the car.  i got out of mine.  my eyes beheld a nobody-looking dude, about my height, mid forties, bad haircut, even worse shirt....and driving a lexus.   i hate dumbasses with lexuses. one of them hit me once and almost killed me. hey. your car can't make up for your small dick.   so, anyway, we faced eachother, our fingers clenching, as if we were getting ready to draw our guns. our brows wrinkled in the sweat of andrenaline. i looked into his eyes.  this was it.   i walked up to him, standing my ground, accepting his challenge.  "IS THERE A PROBLEM?", i asked in a threatening voice.  he just stared at me, with a rather odd look on his face. he opened his mouth, and was about to speak, when it happened. i couldn't help it.  i ripped ass.  a nice big one. one that i had apparently been holding in for the four days i was in canada.   all time stopped for me. i think for him, too. after an unknown period of time, the silence broke with a small snicker from him. it grew into a full-hearted laugh. at this point, i joined him with ungainly fits of my own laughter. hehehe. our minds reduced to the maturity of 8-year-old boys.   so how did it end? the guy bought me coffee. we talked for a bit. then we were on our way.   on the rest of the ride home i had plenty of time to appreciate the little amusements of life. i live in a soap opera, i swear.  
  i can remember nights that were like this   18 Bottles Of Whiskey    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my  sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the  sink, or else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents  down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise  with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the  whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured  the bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink  out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down  the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the  drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one  hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the  other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I  counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one  bottle, which I drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I  don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.   
  I worked at Pizza Hut. 2 dykes walk in with their little adopted daugheter. The daughter says she wants a sausage pizza, quickly her dyke mother turns to her and yells "No, you dont like sausage!"  
  Oh the positive, I've got a great picture of Darius as my computer's wallpaper giving me the finger at all times of the day.  
  Prostitutes give me their home phone numbers.   Really.  I "dated" one for a year.  
  He was bad.   Very bad.   We tried twice.  Luckily we hadn't yet defined our relationship. so I could leave him that night, call my ex on the highway, and end up at his house, fuck his brains out three times, and feel REAL relief.    
  my rod winding through the herky-jerky tunnel called BANG BANG with hips in motion and startling crackling commotion called BANG BANG until my spunktastic release paints a wet mural called BANG BANG and a final quiver precedes a collapse into a lifeless abyss called BANG BANG    
  Apparently double vision is not normal.  But hey, it makes it a lot easier to imagine myself having a threesome.  
      - beatgrrrl@chickmail.com   If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.   - thedeadsexy@hotmail.com>>  Vice is nice, but incest is best: Put your sister (or other appropriate relative) to the test.  
  his response to the pit story moment was quote see what you do is stand very near the edge and when the fucking claw slides out to grab your ankle and drag you back in stomp the shit out of it  thatll teach the fucker  endquote         
  we didn't put up with steelo because we liked him. we put up with him because he was an economic and social necessity.   originally phil, katrina and myself were sharing the house. but katrina left after a couple of months. hitler and speedbump, her kittens, had shat on all our beds and she wasn't fitting in too well with the scheme of things. phil and i were interested in beer and weed, while she was a slightly reclusive type who was most happy in her own space.   of course, she was never going to get that in a drunken, testosterone-fuelled environment. not with two maniacs cheering on hitler as he chewed on speedbump's head most afternoons. phil and i were lords of the slum and had no time for feline underdogs. or sensitive females.  so she left us to our madness.  
  They probably hadn't been in the country long.  Their clothes were mismatched and ill-fitting; he wore a tuxedo jacket, she a windbreaker.  They walked hand in hand down the aisle in Mervyns, gawking at the merchandise and then smiling shyly at each other.  Clearly there hadn't been anything like this whence they came.  But they walked together under the flourescent lights, through the x-mas muzac and the mountains of merchandise-- and they were in love.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Reminiscing isn't what it used to be.  
  Telemarketers call like crazy when you live in college and in a apartment. guess they think they can con stupid drunkards like ourselves into their devilish spiderweb of encyclopedias and credit cards.  Me and Jim used to handle these people when they called us. I used to say alot of "If your not selling whores im not interested!!" They never know what to say after that.  Jim had this one time where someone called him and he said " You know what let me ask YOU a few questions!" He asked him the most random things  and the guy played along...what a sport. But your soul is still damned in eternal hell even though he answered the question "When you fuck someone is it love making or a deep vegeneful hate fuck? Like with angry eyebrows and intentions to hurt?"  
  When I picture limbo@lowbrow and his New Years Eve "celebration", I see groundskeeper Willie, from the Simpson adorned with panties, stroking his "enormous Scottish cock" (insert Sean Connery voice.....)  
  So I drive up to a car wash to wash... you guessed it, my car. The female attendant walked up to my car and proceeds to fill out the piece of paper denoting that I will be getting the "Super Sparkle" wash. As she fills out the paper she looks at me and says "Wow, so your car is really dirty."   Boy, am I glad that she said something to me. I never woulda known that otherwise.  
  i am one of those people who will slow down to a crawl if you tailgate me. when people realize you are fucking with them in such a manner, they will often floor it, thinking they'll out-accelerate you and therefore, win. crappy minivans, station wagons, all forms of auto have attemped this defense against me. apparently, they don't realize that the badge on the back of my crappy little vw that reads "VR6" mean no way in hell are you going to win (unless you got a V-8 with 300+ horsies). i was defeated once, and that was only because downshifted into 5th instead of 3rd. i'm like my car, i don't look dangerous, but when i gun it, watch out, motherfucker.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking past a heavily armed Secret Service contingent, with police backup, I let a huge Taco Bell burrito supreme carpet bomb fart.   What are they going to do, arrest me for farting?  
  I realize now that my body is naturally getting rid of everyone that I can have a relationship with because if I am abused and rejected again, my heart will spontaniously explode like a grenade in my chest.  
  smile...it makes your ass tingle.  
  I was approaching head-on from the west, she was still 300 yards in the distance, but I knew then she was something extraordinary to behold. As my car got closer, my eyes drank up her beautiful figure and perfect face. Our eyes met. She smiled warmly and knowingly at me. I smiled back - melting inside. Something special had just happened. That was just before that god-awful sound sound of my screeching brakes and sheetmetal  compressing sheetmetal.  She didn't stick around when the cops came.....         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just recieved a prescription from the doctor, and she said i might get a bit nauseated, and have some slight gas.   slight gas?  i'm doubled over in pain from these fuckers, and each one has me even more paranoid than the last that i'm gonna shit my pants.   
  i was covering for a friend who tended bar at the toothless old man bar near syracuse he hated one particular day a month and always called in sick it was the day the social security checks got mailed the bar would be packed with local old men blowing half their food cash on rotgut and pabstblueribbon 32 ounce drafts in monsterous paper cups most of them got drunkasskunks id make more in tips in that one day than he would make the entire rest of the month purveyor of intoxicating beverages is a great job for satans lesser minions        
  I've always been amused that XP, with all its antipiracy hype, was available the day before it went on sale, cracked for $5.  go home microsoft.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         New people are moving in where the drugnuts used to live. I'm out front weeding the flowerbeds when they come over to "introduce themselves". They tell me their names, and that they just moved here from Oregon, and did I want to come to church with them? I said no, then asked them if the housing managers had gotten the smell out. What smell? they asked.  Oh, I replied. I guess they got the bodies out before they rotted too much. But you'd think after three days... gee.  I saw them later in the mini-mart with a basket full of air fresheners.   
  Talking away with out ever seeing a face.   Hearing about someone's day without ever hearing a voice.  Estimating someone's intelligence by their typing skills.  Masking our insecurities behind our tough words.  Trusting that even though she says she's a 22 year old from Missisippi, she just might be a 59 year old from New York.  Ahhhhhhh,,,, Love on the Internet, Isn't it grand?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as some of my friends do, i much prefer the word "cock" to "dick" when refering to the penis.  but, unlike most of my friends, i also prefer the word "cunt."  the problem arises in that "dick" and "cunt" are both insults. i've never heard someone insult a guy by calling him a "cockhead."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My second one night stand was with a guy named Chaz.  He was old and I didn't really like him much.  I couldn't figure out how to get rid of him, so I let him fuck me.  His chest was saggy, his dick was tiny, and he lasted for about three thrusts.  I never did hear from him again, though.  That's a success in my book.  
  tip #4 on how to keep a man:  Make him look good and BIG in front of his boys.    
  a history lesson at a little un named jesuit college i skipped my poetry class about eleven times before showing up mid semester oh i didnt know you were still alive and since you feel that you know this subject so well as to take it so lightly why dont you explain to me the significance in the differences in the styles of don marquis and e e cummings said the prof before class got underway fucker chewing an excellent buzz in an effort to humiliate me willya ok and i spell it out for him little did the little bastard know that i inhaled everything i could by both poets and berryman a couple years prior it took about ten minutes but i eloquated in a yeah whatever tone and a couldnt care less you stupid fuck visage end of class i walk up to him and he says that was an excellent presentation mr x i said thanks i am taking this course as filler he gave me an a i went to three classes total bite me some college profs are all bark and no tree  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Paper Caper  Sunday night and graveyard shift at the hospital is coming to an end. I stroll through the out-patient area and swipe every roll of toilet paper from every restroom and then confiscate all the extra rolls in the janitorial supply closet. Happy Monday morning, everybody!  
  One of these days I am going to catch that Morning Wood Fairy and make her finish the job  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother is taking a new interest in his appearance, due to drugs and girls. His hair always has to look just right.  He was out of gel so he's been using antiperspirant on it.  I scared the crap out of him by saying that it's going to activate the sweat glands on his scalp, and he will suffer from an ailment known only as Armpit Head.  
  with a bottle of bleach and a lot of time, I wrote "Welcome Horny Guys! MC and VISA accepted" on her front lawn. After she answered the door 20 times, she gets a clue and next thing you know there's a gardener-type digging up the whole thing.  You just know, though, that he thought about bartering for services with her.  
  Some pages from my fish's diary:  Monday: I wish that fucker with the glasses would clean my tank. Tuesday: Shitty night's sleep again. Fucker forgot to turn out the light again. Wednesday: Fish food again?!?! Thursday: Was cloudy today. I wish that fucker with the glasses would change the water. Friday: Accckk! Fish food again!?!? Saturday: That anemone is really getting on my tits. I'll just keep shittin' on him and see how it likes that. Sunday: That sexy little plastic mermaid won't even acknowledge my presence. She got some mighty bodacious ta-ta's...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom asked me to take the diaper outside to the garbage. I cringed, but my uncle said "it doesnt smell--trust me." Even though i was 12 i smelled it. Damm uncle.  
  There's something wonderful about being home..away from your nasty college roomate and being able to fart loudly, masturbate excessively, and pick the fuck out of your nose until it bleeds. I love being home...  
  "What did the teacher say?" She whispers.  I meant to say "Maybe if you'd shut the fuck up for half a minute you wouldn't have to ask, you egotistical self centered bitch!"  But I actually said "Pg. 193"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One night at a keg party during college, me and some friends got into a headted argument over "the Donkeypunch".    For those who don't know, a donkeypunch is a sexual maneuver performed while having anal sex.  The person position behind jams in real hard just as they are about to blow and that just punches the recipient in *either* the kidney or the back of the head.  We were over arguing which one it was.  I say kidney to this day, but that is besides the point.    Upon leaving the party, everyone crammed into my buddies car and there wasn't enough room for me.  Being the smart one that i am, i figured the party was close to campus I would just RUN home.  I started to run, my friends passed by on the street.  I took a shortcut behind a house and stopped to take a piss.  Upon finishing i saw my friends walking up the sidewalk. I figured i would go up and show them that a donkeypunch definately isn't in the head.  So i went running through the yard so could jack one of the guys in the back of the head.    Only problem was in my drunken state I didn't see the barbed wire fence between them and me.  They laughed at my mangled drunken body...and I am a local legend.  
  One night, long ago, when I was about 22 years old, I was hanging out with a buddy of mine and we were getting very drunk on cheap malt liquor. His family had quite a few pets (5 cats and a dog named Doobie) and we decided to gather up all of these animals, cram them into my friends Toyota and go for a drive. We drove around town in a car full of jumping, scratching, freaked out cats and a shaking terrier. Than we went home.  
  It's one thing to see a large puddle of fresh vomit on the curb of a busy city street, and it's another when a flock of twenty pigeons have all gathered around to eat it.  
  my friend weighs a good 310 pounds; he's a hefty guy. one day we were talking about innies and outies as in belly buttons, and my friend lifts up his shirt and, to prove his inny-ness, sticks his sausage finger a good 3 inches into his belly button. i was pretty impressed and we went along with the conversation, we look over at my friend was doing the same thing again, only this time he pulled his finger out and it was bloody, and there was some blood smears around his black hole of a belly button in the middle of his bulbous and pasty stomach  he looked up and said "my belly button is NOT a happy place"   
  (not my moment -- Led Zeppelin's)  It's generally agreed that  "Stairway To Heaven" is their most mushy romantic song.  Way back in the 1960's, before pantyhose took all the fun out of the world, small holes in nylon stockings would eventually expand up and down into a "run" that went from top to bottom of the stocking.  In Britain, a "run" was generally called a "ladder," except on Saturday nights, when it was known as a "stairway to heaven."  
  Suddenly it occured to me that I was being watched from across the room.  How could I get myself out of this one, I thought.     Why is it that I feel the need to explain my action to that stranger who stole a glance at the moment I executed my desire?  What was I thinking by doing that in public anyway?  But why should it be a big deal to do that in public?  It's only a nose, but this is LA.  
  one boyfriend had, at most, a 4" dick.  he made me cum every time we fucked, some of the best sex i ever had.  another boyfriend was 8-1/2", also made me cum every time, also some of the best sex.  last guy i fucked was only 6" long, but almost 2" thick - goddamn, that was some good fucking!  he pounded me from behind as if it were the last time he'd ever use his dick for anything other than pissing.  and there was a friend who was just average length, average thickness - yet he could pound the orgasms outta me at an alarming rate... and the anal sex wasn't bad either.  the lesson here?  it's either:  1) every guy will please some woman at some point, no matter how big, small, thick or skinny his dick is.  yes, size can make a difference, but it's also how you work it.  or  2) goddamn, i'm a slut.  
  when i was stuck in traffic on my way to work this morning, i noticed this woman driving a blue nissan truck had a donut-like object hanging from her rearview mirror. i wondered if sometimes she wishes it was really a donut, with frosting and sprinkles and all, so she could just lean over and take a bite.       
  dont you hate it when you dream about haivng sex with penguins and you wake up eating butter and wearing your grandmas underbritches.  
  at the local mental health clinic i walked into the womens restroom on accident  there was a woman on the floor with her pants down around her ankles masterbating i sometimes wonder if she knew where she was  
   I hate Valentine's Day and the weather is real shitty, think I'll just eat some codine and lift weights. Man I wish I had something more entertaining, like a HKG36.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I`m doing the whole switch the kid over to my ex-wife gig at the local Ryan`s resterant last night when I run into an ole` friend from highschool that I had lost touch with.  Back in the day she (and a few other girls) had convinced me to join thier wiccian cult (I thought I would get laid and I thoght wrong they all played for the other team).  So I point out my ex-witch and joking ask if she could either break her heart or curse her existance. She kinda looks shocked at me and procedes to tell me that not olny is she happily married and currently pregnant(she wasnt showing) But that she also now teached kindergarden at a local christian school  My responce " No Shit, thats pretty fucked up. "  
  I startled a loudly snoring homeless fella when I opened my front door one morning. I jumped back, closing the door, trying to figure out what to do. I'm a small woman.   I heard the sound of liquid hitting carpet. "no   no   no No  No No NO!!!"  I ripped the door open and kicked him out of my entryway. I kicked him out several more times waiting for the police to arrive. Once they came and left, I found myself no longer worried, but wondering...  What had happened to his pants?  His shoes?  And what could posses and man to consciously pee on a carpet???...  
  When I got to about 10, and not feeling very good about myself, I started imagining that if I could dig far enough into my nose, I could find the start of an  enormous  booger.  When I pulled it out, I would feel it ripping loose from way down inside me --I would pull it up from way down in my stomach, my intestines, my "naughty bits," all the way down to my toes.  When it was finally all out, all of the nastiness that was inside me would be gone.  I was probably about 13 before I realized that life just isn't  that  simple.  
  "Penny for your thoughts, mister"  "Suit yourself", I said,"but I warn you, most of them concern you, whipped cream and a blow-up sheep" She laghed meekly and ran.      
   The Injection-Moulded Luau   (Excerpt from a California conference report that I worded as dry as I could, but it almost got me fired, anyway. My company made stupefyingly boring plastic injection-moulding software, is why the supposed focus :-)  On Monday evening, Quarterdeck put on a luau for us, complete with a pig on a stick, fire dancers, and Samoan wahines in astroturf skirts and coconut shells. After they had finished their set, the wahines came down into the audience, looking for victims to humiliate. Sitting far back, I thought myself safe, but my date for the evening was also Samoan (another story), and she called out the traditional ancient cry:   HUMUhumunukunuku ApuAA`!   which I had always understood to be a Hawaiian species of triggerfish, but in the context of a luau, it seemingly translates to  Here!  Come grab this chump!   I was dragged up on stage and surrounded by six wahines wearing twelve half-coconut shells.  I bore this with as much patience as I could muster, until the coconuts got closer, whereupon I noticed that they were actually injection molded plastic!  The material looked like polycarbonate, possibly one of the Bayer Makrolon series, and may have been fiber-reinforced (it was difficult to tell, as the shells were vibrating rapidly). My interest finally aroused, I examined them in close detail, noting that they had a single injection port on the tip, with a very poorly-trimmed runner.  I could see no evidence of warping, weld lines or cavities, but any warping would have been masked by the considerable packing stress they were under. Upon closer examination, the material had the typical slightly-greasy feel of polycarbonate.  Unfortunately, when I tried to examine two of them even closer, an intercultural misunderstanding arose, and my date had to intervene on my behalf...   
  Standing in the bathroom at Godfather's Pizza in Ankeny, Ia. and complaining of their "shallow urinal" and I realize how many of those things I have left a bit of myself in across the world.  
  I love cybersex, but only with talented writers.   The whole "IM LICKIN UR BUT" isn't appealing. But there's something about a man who is good with words...  
  I am the only straight single man on Earth who is not afraid of the Tampon.  
  One day I told everyone he was like a brother to me.  The next day I screwed his girlfriend.   Fuck him if he didn't know that me and my bro sometimes screwed each other's girl.        
    When a storm took down half a tree in the front yard last year, I cut it into 7 foot logs and carried them behind the shed. Then I broke all the branches into fired wood and finished cutting the logs.   When spring came my father payed to have the rest of the tree cut down, and shredded. He also payed for them to shred all the firewood I had made. My mother asked him why the hell he did that, and what we would do if Y2K knocked out the heating.  "I'll buy some firewood", he replied. I hate that idiot.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once in college I pretended I was blind, with help from my roommate.  I was beyond drunk ,which seemed to help me pull off my blind act. I was having a lot of fun at different parties, collected about 8 bucks in spare change and was given many free beers. Then this very attractive young lady started talking to me and I started seeking a pity fuck. Then she mentioned she wanted to me and my roomie to meet her roommate back at her dorm. In my drunken stooper I was expecting an orgy. When we arrived at her room she introduced me to her blind roommate.  What a way to kill a buzz.   
  My boyfriend and I are happy because it's Valentine's day, and his room mate it out of town  so we have the whole apartment to ourselves.    we got through 2 bottles of cheap white wine.  So it's valentine's and all so we start making out etc etc and he unzips my pants, pulls them down, then goes for my sexy thong (yeah i wore pink specifically for the occasion) with his teeth. My giggle quickly trned into a SCREECH of HORROR as he proceeded to bite a HUGE chunk of flesh out of my hip.   it's bleeding everywhere... It's been a couple of months and there's still a purple mark.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night, when I dropped her off at her house, she said she wanted me to really kiss her sometime.   This from the woman who always air-kisses me when I arrive so that her lipstick does not get smudged. The woman who tells me she has no sex drive because of the anti-depressants. The woman who has to get home before her college age daughter.  I told her that I kiss her like she kisses me. I thought she hated kissing.  
  I can't get out of bed.  I can't but I can't.  I try to go back to sleep.  I've been in bed for 16 hours now.  The remote is on top of the TV, it's too far to reach.  Fuck it.        
  when i was in second grade, we were learning about contractions. you know, like "it's" and "can't". the teacher asked the class for some more examples of contractions.  i said, "it'll. its the contraction for 'it will'"  teacher says, "um, no, chris. i dont believe that that's a contraction"  here i am 8 years later, using it left and right, and reading the contraction in several books.  man, would i like to see the look on her face if i ever met her again.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first date with my dream girl in high school.   I take her out to dinner at some joint and to my utter horror, I uncontrollably order clam chowder and cottage cheese.   I am an idiot.        
  I think very small and obscure things, such a list of things that have been in your nose, can be a great demographic and tell a lot about a person.        
  I can't figure out if I'm frightened or turned on by cheerleaderatyercrotch.  Maybe both.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         for the past two to three weeks (roughly), there have been dishes piled quite high in my sink. this directly inhibits me making food, having a presentable apartment, or filling up my brita pitcher.  so i just eat out, don't have anyone over, and fill the pitcher up in the bathtub. fuck doin' the dishes.  
  once, in secret, i refilled a beer glass with piss and then bet my friend that he couldn't down the 'beer' in one.  he did it.  anyone stupid enough to drink a pint of piss without noticing deserves to get chronic diarrhoea and miss his interview.   
  I had quite possibly the worst sinus infection ever. My eyes were bloodshot, my face swelled up, I was miserable. I went to the doctor (who was very young and not that long out of med school) and as I was waiting for him to come in the room, my eyes were watering like mad. He opens the door, sees my face, and puts an arm around me. "Hey now, don't cry, we'll get you fixed up." "I'm not crying, I'm really sick." "....Oh. Well let's get you some antibiotics!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Are those "expecting mother" parking signs enforced by law?  Damn, those are good parking spots.  
  Once at a party some guys were kicking around a soccer ball.  When it rolled over to me, I kicked hard, all the way across the room, where it hit an unsuspecting girl in the head. Everybody laughed as she almost fell down.  That was mean.        
  My dad says my sister and her husband are just like cats.....  Can't tell if they're fucking or fighting.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I go to visit my wife in the hospital (suicide watch,) sporting a  never-before buzz cut.  She blinks, not recognizing me at first, and  then says, blandly- "Jesus Christ.  What have you done.  You look like  a fucking cancer patient."  
  Sure he's going to be in that wheel chair for the rest of his life...but a drunk asshole is a drunk asshole, regardless of how many functional limbs they may have.   
   Brain Damage #2  From #1:  When I finally woke up from the operation, I had no inhibitions and a libido the size of the National Debt.  Oh yes, and I couldn't remember anything for more than fifteen minutes   Obviously something got through, because I somehow remember this (still gives me the chills): I lie in the hospital room, staring out the window, wondering where I am. I look to my left, and see a yellow legal pad with writing on it. I pick it up. It looks like my handwriting! "Your doctor is called Dr. [deleted}.  The cute blonde nurse is called Jennifer. The nasty brunette with the amazing ass is Marci..." I'm confused as hell, so I write on the bottom of the page: "Who the fuck is writing this stuff, using my handwriting?" I go back to reading the page. Halfway down, I find: "Who the hell is writing this?" I can't figure out what's going on, so I go back to staring out the window. After a few minutes, I glance to my left, and see a yellow legal pad with writing on it. I pick it up. It looks like my handwriting...  
  I hit reload again and again looking for my moment. Finally, the random generator gave me my sugar. I read through it and noticed a typo.   Began dammit! Not begun.  Frustrated again.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  It was only 2 hours to drive home, but we were too hung over so we got a hotel room. We spent 3 days there because every night we got shitfaced, screwed, and watched crappy shows on cable until the wee hours and then overslept and woke up too hung over (still drunk,actually) to check out and drive.  
  funny thing is if he dies now i'll miss him much more than if we just stop this...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Thanks to television, I now know I can make my nipples erect with eye drops.  Of course, this is for fashion, not for fun. For fun you need another person... or a really flexible neck.  
  Movie Review: "The Robots"  by my 2.5 Year Old Daughter  7/15/01  =====================================  Dere's da row-bots!  Dere's da Princess!  Oh no!  Here comes Dart Vader!  HHHOOOH  HHHAAAH  Where's Luke?  Oh no!  Ar-deetoo fall down!  Da little guys pick him up!  Maybe dere going to see dere Mommy.  Oh no!  He fall down!  Here comes Dart Vader!  Dere's da row-bots!  He say 'owwwoooooo' like Chester.  Dere's da Princess!  Da End!   
  my dick keeps falling out the hole in the front of my boxers. it's getting pretty annoying. i could turn them around so the hole is in the back. then i could shit through the hole.  
  The shame of having a dog decay in your living room, oh the shame.  
  i was in love with someone else.    "what's your game?" i asked him.  he mumbled, "well, i like you, the conversations we have.." [and here i interrupt to point out that we had fucked more times than we had engaged in conversation] "...but you know, i've been seeing someone on and off for a year, i'm ten years older than you..." he tried hard to come up with a good third reason.  "do you think," i asked, "that if you weren't good in bed you'd be here?"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I walked into the living room to find mom tweezing her bikini line. I know now that I'm not too old for emotional scars. I am so creeped out.  
  it's 1998  amsterdam got a room with a wall mounted tv in a too precious hotel i'm toasted to the point that autonomic reflexes cease being autonomic lowlands herbal gluttony, the 8th deadly sin the teletubbies come on they speak dutch it's the first time i've ever seen them the baby sun looks vedic and lovely the rabbits, the windmill, the monitors in their stomachs it's what dali wanted to be but never achieved i Funtlessly scour the room for the Candid Camera  
  Business trip, by myself in the hotel night club. The only looker in the room is with four older guys. Either a hooker or she was just unlucky enough to have been sent to Smallsville, USA on a business trip with four cow-orkers.  I walk up to her during a break in their conversation and introduce myself. She is only being polite, but one of her hangers-on is pissed.  He gets in my face and shouts, "WE BELIEVE IN SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK-AND-ROLL."  I told him that we could discuss the last two, but as for the first - I'm straight.  Dead silence, which I take as my cue to leave. As I go, one of his friends says, "You have to admit, that was a pretty good answer."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's late, and I can feel that it's started to rain.  I don't remember at what point I stumbled outside in my drunken haze.  I must be under the porch since the rain is only on my face.  I lie there a moment longer, in that instant between sleep and conciousness.  Then I realize that I'm in my bed and my brother is standing over me.  I yell and throw something.  He finishes his piss in the hallway corner, then passes out somewhere in the house.  I just rolled to the dry part of the bed.  
  I went to the store to pick up some eggs for my friend.  She wasn't feeling well and was planning to make cookies for the work halloween "party." When I got to the counter, they asked to see some ID, to which I replied "Is there some new additive in these eggs that gets one stoned?" They said no, but still needed to see some ID. (I realized it was the night before Halloween, and they refused to sell anone under the age of 18 eggs or shaving cream.) I had left mine at my friend's, a few blocks away.  I decided to just get two pre made cookie dough  tubes than run all the way back for my wallet.  (Money in bra. Girls have that extra hiding spot..lol) Then, as an afterthought, I got another one. Later, after it was closed, I smeared the extra tube of cookie dough all over the store windows. I had not been planning to pull any pre Halloween pranks, but they forced me to. They begged me to. The cookie dough bandit strikes again.     
  My friend and I decide to go skinny dipping after school, Im on the rag (and you cant skinny dip with a little string between your legs).  I dont quite remember my logic behind throwing my tampon out the car window as we drove to the lake but I do remember it smacking the windshield of an tan minivan directly behind us. *SPLAT*  
  Yesterday I went to a fine china shop in Berkeley to buy a wedding present. I took my 800 pound bull with me. He knocked over a counter of expensive crystal, gored a small child and dropped a pile in the middle of the floor. The owner told me that I would have to leave. What is with this anti-bull hysteria? Please join me in boycotting all china shops that do not allow bulls.   Next they will tell me that I can't bring my hungry shark to the swimming pool any more!   
  You want a moment? I got my moment for you right here!  I just discovered that my new girlfriend is addicted to prescription drugs. How did I find out?   1} My bookkeeper tells me she is very addicted to a certain drug.  2) I share this with my girlfriend who tells me she takes the same drug: "to help me fall asleep."  3} A couple of months later, the bookkeeper has me ask my girlfriend for a few to tide her over between scripts. ("I take three a day, but only have to take two.")  4) My girlfriend quietly freaks when I ask her. She tells me that she (after a lengthy discussion) has two doctors prescribing her a total of five per day and she needs all of them.   
  In college, we had a day to commemorate the outstanding success of Rodney King... you know, the guy who had drank 6 forty ouncers of malt liquor and was on the way to the store to buy MORE when he was pulled over by the LAPD (the rest of course, is history).  Drinking 6 40's is by no means an easy feat, so we deemed a date in the summer, "National 40 Day", where we would wake up at 11:00 and immediately start drinking 40's... looking as ghetto as possible and listening to gangster rap.    It was an absolutely fabulous time and most ended up quiting at around 4 or 5, but I kept going, and going and going.  By the end of the night I passed out after drinking 10 forties of cool malt liquor... for a brief period of time, putting me in the same ethereal plane of existance as Rodney King.  The next morning was entertaining as I had to go to work at 6:30am With my car not working, my father had been driving up to take me to work.  He arrived, waited, and of course I did not come out.  He got out of the car, careful not to step on the piles of stacked 40 bottles in the lawn, opened the front door as much as he could to get through (pushing aside numerous bottles), stepped around the 6 people passed out on the floor and headed up to my room.  I, of course, was passed out right next to some chick in my bed and after being shaken a few times, was able to get up and go to work... reeking to high heaven and barely coherent.    Naturally, I was fired that day.  Clearly, a defining moment.    
   More Fun With Phone Spammers ...Eh, Maybe Not  She: "Hello. Is Mrs. [my wife's surname] available?" Me: "No." She: "Are you Mr. [my wife's surname]?"  The sure sign of the hated phone-spammer!  She sounds cute, too! I wonder what colour her panties are. Perhaps I can find out... Something gives me pause, though. Perhaps it is that the last time I asked, she turned out to be one of my professor-wife's students, and the result was not quite as, eh... satisfying as it usually is. Me: "Yes." She: "Oh good. This is the high school administration..." That was a close one.  
  For a year, my old boyfriend and I rented a flat over Mr Patel's mini-market. We had the front half of the area above the shops, while the Patels had the back half. Separating the two flats was an area - atrium would be too grand a word - which was would have been open to the sky but for a clear corrugated platic roof. The patels used the area for their washing machine, and sometimes, when she came out to hang up her laundry, Mrs Patel would pass food items through our kitchen window. These were usually curries of the insufferably hot variety, which I could never touch thanks to the pansiness of my tongue. But one day she passed through macaroni cheese. Odd, I thought, eyeing the dish with suspicion. Not the usual Patel fare. Perhaps it had beem made for visitors. I let my boyfriend have it, and he took it into the next room.  A few seconds later I heard violent coughing as hit bit down on one of the chilis that Mrs Patel had inserted into this innocuous dish, landmine-like, to trap the unwary.   Ah, good old Mrs Patel.  
  They chatter and chatter and chatter about nothing.  Computers mostly.  Why can't they just use their computers and shut the f**k up?  I wish I had an office with sound proof walls.        
  We (lowbrowers) should start our own political party. We'd probably never win a single election, but think of the fucking campaign posters.    
  To this day, nothing makes me happier than the small *pop* sound that a zit makes when you pop it.  
  I was commuting to college, and in the middle of the day I really needed to whack off.  No place to go but the bathroom of the history/english/math building.  I have a seat in a stall to make it look like I'm shitting.  People are coming and going and I'm trying to avoid the light smack and skin-on-skin sounds so as not to arouse suspiscion.  The last guy just flushed and I was about to be alone  for the grand finale.  I hear him reach the door and I pick up the pace.  As he leaves, the son of bitch turns the lights out in the bathroom with no windows.  I yell, but in vain.  He either didn't hear me, or didin't care.  But I'm so close, I decide to finish.  Apparently, the wad of toilet paper was incorrectly placed when the time came, and I felt a stickyness on my hands.  In the pitch black, I realized that I had shot everywhere, including the pants around my ankles.  BUT WHERE WAS IT ALL?!?!  I had no way of finding it all, and I was too afraid to walk out with spooge all over me.  So I waited 10 minutes until someone came in.  I thanked him from the refuge of my stall, cleaned myself up discretely, and continued with my day.  I'd still like to find that cockmuncher that sent me to that hell.  
  Middle school. Summer day, bored as hell, nothing to do. Do we go out and find something to do? No. We spend an hour shaking up cans of Jolt and then whacking them with croquet mallets.  Upon further reflection, I think this is part of the reason why people think I live in a redneck town.  
  Read a moment about a girl who would steal other ppl's ciggy butts because she couldn't by her own...  I can top that.  I went to school with a girl who used to pick them out of the toilet and dry them off under the hand dryer.  now THATS low...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         An email from a friend of mine.  I had to put it out there:  uh, I was in a hurry Tuesday to get ready for the shoot on Wednesday. There was ketchup on the shirt I had to use for continuity. I needed spot remover, but promised myself not to turn it into a full-blown shopping trip. However on the way out, I remembered one other item I needed. The quickie checkouts were all being used, so I went into a regular line. Ahead of me was a cute college girl and her b/f. Directly behind me was a well-kept guy about 60 yo, and behind him a Michigan 4F* hefer.  Do-de-do looking around I suddenly noticed the gent behind had kind of a hidden smile on his face. The hefer was scowling. The cutie was whispering to bf. All were cheating towards me.   It was then I realized what I was buying: spot remover and a economy-sized box of condoms.  cheers. *4F - fat-forty-frustrated-female   
  So i'm moving from Manhattan to Queens in a giant U-Haul.  I mean GIANT.    I manged to run over the front end of a cadillac that nudged out in front of me.    My brother and I thought up some ridiculous excuses, got out of the car screaming at the guy, and managed to convince him that it was all his fault.  In reality, I saw the guy nudge out, thought I could make it around him, and misjudged how much room I had.  That accident was one hundred percent my fault, and through efficient and thorough release of anger, we were able to convince that poor bastard that he didn't know how to drive.  I'm sure that night, he lay awake in his bed thinking about what a sucker he is.  I lay awake in my own bed thinking about how I should be negotiating trade routes for a living.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bum smiling. Sleeping, dreaming of the sweetrock candy mountain.  His bed was next to the 2nd Ave. subway stop.   He lay in a puddle of liquid feces, his pants stained brown.  I don't look twice. Hours later it hits me. I'm officially jaded.      
  It was my freshman year of college.  Some of my new firiends and I decide to go play paintball at a local field.  The paintballs hurt when you get shot with them, but not enough to disable, just enough to piss you off, and get you going for the next round.  We had a great time and all ended up spending more than we planned.    At the end of the day, we emptied our guns at some standing targets, and made our way back to the cars.  On the way, this psycho bitch from Hawaii walked up behind me, pressed the barrel of her gun between by shoulder blades, and unloaded her last paindball into my back, point blank.  Remember how I said they hurt some when you get shot?  Well, that was when you get shot from a distance.  When the barrel of the gun is poking your flesh, it's a little different.  You know that guy in Platoon who gets shot in the back and falls to his knees?  That was me.  I had a welt the size of a tennis ball for a week.  I ended up dating her.  Three times.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Bad:  Discovering your landlord uses a peanut butter jar to store piss.  Worse:  Not knowing what it is, opening it, and having the smell hit you like a punch in the face.  
  "You never returned my calls," she said.  "You never returned my balls," was his answer.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A circumcision at the age of eleven meant that for nearly a year my whole family's attention were centred upon my dick. Obviously being the first-born son they wanted to ensure that i would be able to carry on the family lineage. But did my dad have to ask me every morning over breakfast, "So son, did you get an erection this morning?"  
  When I say "I want to kill today," I don't mean "Today, I want to kill." No--I literally want to kill "today."  
  I wasn't sure if she wanted me to be more aggresive or if she wasn't in the mood, but we hadn't had sex in 3 weeks.  I got close and kissed her for a while. I went down on her, and she opened herself for me, so I assumed she wanted me.  After it was over, she said she didn't want me and felt I had forced myself on her.  I am an asshole.  
  Lowbrow is offering your 8 year old sister $1.75 to eat a golfball sized piece of wasabi then refusing to pay her when she throws it up 10 minutes later.  
   I Am A Genuine Tough Guy  My crazy buddy Patrick is playing pool with some asshole who's getting really aggressive. I'm Patrick's ambassador to the world, so I step in to calm the guy down. Me: "Patrick's a good guy. He's just a little crazy sometimes..." Guy won't back off, at all. 'S OK, I can calm him down. I'm very good at it. But I can't, he gets more and more pissed. It's getting dangerous. (I haven't been hit in 35 years.) But OK, I switch tactics: "Well, if you insist, we could always just take you on." I switch my "scary, staring eyes" to high-beam, and smile my Steve McQueen killer smile confidently. He switches on his eyes, and sticks a finger up my nose, lifts his cue and points it at my stomach. I drag Patrick out of there. Patrick: "Wha? We could've taken him..." Next night, he's there again, buys us beers, and apologises. Yeah, I'm a genuine tough guy...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw a car, that had a little home-made sign in the back window that read "Keep Distance". So of course I tailgated them. Its like when you're eating lunch with a friend and they say "I'm going to the bathroom, please don't eat my fries"  
  it was on the redeye from vegas to new york where i noticed a woman, frosted hair being drawn back from her face by french-manicured nails, reading a well-worn bodice-ripper. she noticed my glance. "sweetie," she said. "you don't look so good. wanna mint?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  So a bunch of us are at a music show here and it's a great time.  Everyone's energetic and rarin to go.  So my friend comes out of the girls washroom and proceeds to tell me that somone pissed all over the floor and her shoes are soaked in it.  I say "I don't believe you".  she takes off her show to have me smell it, but what do I do?  I lick it.   Not once mind you, but three times.  And swallow.     Worst case of diptheria I've ever had.  
  I actually felt kind of bad, for a few seconds, when my sweet, meek, chemically-sensitive roommate asked:  "um, why does our house smell like vomit?"  
  These here items will without a doubt, will completely FUCK a car, and leave it useless if inserted into the gas tank.  1. Sugar.  Really.  It turns the gas to mud.  Or some shite.  2. A gallon of water.  HOLY SHIT!  The car can never be repaired.  water+gasoline=bad  3. A golf ball.  Oi!  I don't know what it does, maybe the material, maybe it get caught in the gas line.  All I know is, when I was 11, I found a golf ball in a big blue drum barrel.  I picked it up, and said "Hey, it's a golf ball!" to my brother.  No sooner had the words left my mouth, then some guy who looked awefully like Dennis Franz (from NYPD Blue) started screaming from his beat-up old Caddilac: "Golf ball!  GOLF BALL?!   You can take that fucking golf ball and shove it up your fucking ass, dickhead!"  We ran.  For years this confused me.  Why was he SO angry at a little golf ball?  Then a friend who works on cars was telling me one time that a golf ball in a gas tank will ruin the car to the point of junking it...  Now, go forth, and add some revenge!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After a night of chili rellenos, salsa with cayennes, and shitty imported beer, the next morning is truly the experience from Hell:  "Dear Lord, please help me to release this demon!"  ....FWWWWWWUMP!!!! Ka-SPLOOSH!! THppppppppppPPPTH!!! drizzle-splash-sclorch....  "Thank you, Lord!"  
  I don't ride the 30 Stockton, yet another infamous San Francisco MUNI bus, any  more.  I get on the bus at Columbus and Lombard, sit down and prepare for the ride to  Maiden Lane. I'm meeting a friend who slaves away in one of those posh retail  palaces, we'll have lunch, I'll go down to Media Alliance and look through the  job bank listings.  The 30 Stockton runs through Chinatown. Things happen in Chinatown, things that  don't happen elsewhere... As usual, about two stops after the bus turned off of  Columbus and onto Stockton Street, the bus filled to the limit with Chinese, the  driver telling one woman "NO MORE ROOM. NO MORE ROOM! GET OFF THE PLATFORM!!" A small, hunched, toothless man with a large plastic garbage bag, loaded with  some kind of cardboard box. As the mass of riders slowly oozes towards the back,  the little man's ass comes firmly to rest against my face. Cheek to cheek, I  guess.  The bus gives a moan and lurches towards movement. The man's ass bends my nose.  A block crawls by, the mass of people jiggling like Jell-O in a bread pan. The  sack the man is holding makes a sound. I can't tell what it is. The man's ass  jiggles like Jell-O, millimeters from my lips.  The bus lurches to a stop. No one gets on or off.  The bus starts moving again.  The man wiggles his butt.   It hisses. His butt, that is.  It now makes that sound you get when you buzz you lips together, you know, the  "Fart" sound "brrrrrppppppphhhpppp".  The man announces, in his own language, something to his friends (family)  huddled towards the front. He smiles a toothless smile and his friends (family)  shout back something that sounds scarily like encouragement.  The bus enters the Stockton Street tunnel. (If someone tries to tell you San  Francisco has no public urinals, point them here.) The sack the farting man is  carrying becomes agitated as we enter the relative darkness.   It clucks.  No one hits the bell, the bus does not stop until it's reached Union Square, my  destination. I get up from my seat, bumping the farting man's sack. I push my  way to the doors at the back and step out into the relatively clean air of Union  Square.  I'm standing at the curb, waiting to cross the street, when a cabby rolls down  the passenger side window and speaks to me.  "Hey ma'am? Yeah, you. You know you got chicken shit all over yer shoes?"    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Today I should have stayed in bed.   Actually I did, and was two hours late to work, as a result of being stoned lastnight and forgetting to set the alarm.    Me and a buddy went over to The Cafeteria here at work for lunch.  I was bragging to him about how I always steal their food and how they are non the wiser.  Ordering more than what I claim I have sealed under my styrofoam container.  Ninja.    Walking back to our building a black slim jim looking character is seen from afar.  He's yelling and suddenly I realize... its at me!    I've been busted by the chef of The Cafeteria.  My buddy just says he'll catch me later.  It was a little embarassing, but then I realized what I just got caught doing and had this wholesome, "well FUCK YOU!", feeling inside.  I should feel proud to be caught in protest fighting THE MAN!  Actually... I feel like I've been assfucked by THE MAN as my lunch went from $2 to $9.   Then again.. I DID manage to clog up one of their turbo suck toilets with the shit I just took...    It all evens out.     
  i had no idea that the lower intestinal tract could hold so much shit. or that it could leave my body at such an amazing velocity.  
  My favorite moment from our doomed four-month "relationship" was when I handed her the fries I'd ordered for her and she said, "I love you!" Pregnant pause. "I don't really," she said.   
  in reference to the "kum and go" convenience stores... i have also seen the "pump and munch" brand. though i prefer to munch, then pump.  
  I don't care how good the 3d-engine, digital surround system and the realistic physics engine is in your 8-ball playstation game  it just doesn't have the same atmosphere  that emanates from spilling three beers across the table with the bouncers watching on  
  I was 10, jumping on a pogo stick outside of our apartment building. With my shoes untied. One of the laces got stuck in the springs, and I fell over.  I can't get the thing unstuck, so I drag the whole thing up the stairs to the door, and then I ring the doorbell.  My dad comes to the door with a strange expression on his face. I explain the situation.  All I got back was a big laugh and "you dumb little shit!"  
  When I was a kid, I used to shave the beard off of my GI Joe Action figure. It was the early early 70's and for some reason they don't make GI Joe with a beard anymore.  I called the company and no one at Mattel could tell me why.   
  Once awakened, my sex drive has proved to be damn near irrascible.  I can't believe that I'm crabby all day if I haven't gotten off.  Do I need to ween myself off my right hand?  I guess maybe once a day is a little excessive... but it beats doing stuff.    The myserious joys of female sexuality.  Thanks alot, highschool health class.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once as a teen my girlfried was giving me a BJ, instead of being nice and plugging along till the end, she stopped short at the moment of truth and it shot me in the eye. I was strangely embarrassed and relaxed at the same time.    
  I was looking at porn when my half-blind grandmother came walking up the front steps to drop off some dinner for me. I didn't even bother to close the window, so if it wasn't for her bad eye, she'd be able to clearly read the blinking "Anal University" logo and a girl being invaded by two giant cocks.  The window is still open as we speak.  
  I walked into a well known gay bar  with my buddy Kevin (I'm not gay but  he is and I was his dd for the night).  This gay bar is called the Fruit Stand.    I did some dancing...then I saw this  drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a   super short super tight black leather  mini skirt with black fishnet stockings.  (yes it was really a girl)    I went over to talk to her. She replies  "I'm not interested in your banana"  as she goes walking off to another  girl and starts feeling up her well rounded melons.    Oh-well, I thought.     I went to get a drink and started a conversation with the bartender.  He said to me as he handed me a Corona with lime.     "If you're coming her for girls" The night is always gonna be a lemon for you." Most guys in here are looking for  other apples and oranges.    The girls want that perfect pear.(pair)  with no bananas.    "What about you" I asked.     Well I'm like you he replied,"I prefer  cherries."    Well I'm glad I'm not the only hot pepper looking for a tomatoe" I reply  
  i was all excited because i found a wicked toothbrush in a bag i hadn't used for a while. it was light purple and seemed to almost have a magnifying glass near the bristles. it was the cadillac of tooth brushes.   i went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth with this new found beauty and put it in the cup which holds the rest of the family's toothbrushes.   turns out my whole family had the same one (different colors) and i never noticed.  my fantasy shattered, i made myself an omelette.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was a reading mentor in High School. This is before I started listening to decent music, so I was pretty much an idiot.  Had a best friend though, Robby. Great guy. Nice, good guy.  Also constantly stoned out of his FUCKING MIND.   Gave me a brownie once. Yeah, one of those kind. But I didn't realize it at the time.  So what did I do with it? I wasn't hungry.   So I gave it to the group of third graders I was supposed to be mentoring.  I was a prick before I became a prick, apparently. I'm thinking it might be genetic.  
  Your town is lowbrow if you have ever had to say, "Let's not go to that Denny's, let's go to the good one."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She came to the dance in a really pretty silk wrap around dress.  She wasnt aware that one of the girls had part of the dress in her hand, admiring the fabric. until she turned to look the other way and ended up unwrapping herself from the dress and stood there in a bra and panties.  Man, those were the good 'ol days.  
  I was on the 5th floor balcony of my college dormitory at something like four in the morning when the coke started to wear off.  Across the courtyard the blinds were open just enough to see her sprawled on the bed quivering slightly.  She was almost completely nude and very determined as she worked toward orgasm.  I followed suit.  We climaxed at the same time and slipped, together, into unconsciousness.  
  Overheard at lunch today: Two guys talking about their friend's girlfriend. Guy #1: ...yeah, but she's a really good girlfriend... Guy #2:  I don't know, dude, she's pretty demanding. Guy #1:  But she's, like, always horny!  
  I took the day off and ended up watching the daytime shows on the WB network. (I guess I  could  stop right there.) The WB during the day apparently shows a bunch of variations of dating games, love connection shows to break up couples or get people laid or other permutations. They are called  ElimiDate, Change of Heart, Rendesvouz, Shipmates, and a couple more at least. Every single commercial break (not an exaggeration) had one or more advertisement for treatments of herpes or genital warts.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a few years back I hung out with a group who was very into doing coke.  We all shared, so if u were low on cash, your friends were always good to hook you up.   One time, as I was leaving our connection's house I saw 3 of these friends coming my way.  Knowing that I had more money (thus more coke) that week then all 3 of them put together, I laid down on my belly to hide behind a 2 foot brick wall on the lawn of the next house.  They passed without noticing me, or the fact that I had just laid in the middle of a giant pile of dog shit.  serves me right for holding out  
  SPAM is short for SPiced hAM.   To know that is to be truely lowbrow....  ******************  I thought it was Specially Prepared Animal Meats  They need another M in there for miscellaneous  Because if you think it's just pig in there you're lying to yourself  
  I was taking a Government exam.  The next question read:  43) During World War 2, who was in control of  Communist  Russia?  I stared at the girl next to me.  Her breasts were so large.  I wanted to squeeze them but realized Emily was the one for me.  I decided to choose answer B.        
  Where I live there is commercial fishing. And there are seals. So the fisherman get these things called SealBombs, which is actually a 1/3 stick of dynamite. And since one of my buddies Dad's was a fisherman, I had access to a constant supply of these large explosives.  Being drunk one night, I set one on a rock and dared someone to shit on it. mark, being drunker than me by a long shot, hopped right on up and laid a big, fat grogan right smack on top of the damn bomb. Which, of course, I then lit, and we ran off about 30 feet to watch it go up.   Except shit (literally) blew EVERY which way. Up, down, sideways. And what went up came right back down. We were covered in shit flecks and chunks. Thank god I had washable neoprene seat covers.   Thank god my wife wasn't home when I got there, so I didn't have to explain shit covered me.  Damn. But it was still way cool, I wish we had a camera there.  
  I realized that when you're walking, there's probably enough distance between you and other people, and enough noise each person is making, to fart while your walking and go unnoticed.   Just fart and walk. fart and walk.  
  The Book of Ecclesiastes starts on page 669 of the Gideon Bible.  I've been on the road too long.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i shudder at the thought that some of these, which I did not write, are about me...  -dale        
  I heard a report on the radio that now drug dealers were emphasizing customer service and beginning to deliver instead of selling on the corners.  One of the college student runners was commenting on the fact that cops don't care as long as you don't sell openly and are only mkaing delivery runs.  After all, who gets hurt but the person that uses it?  They even have a company lawyer and a health plan.  You know, I think I am in the wrong business.  I mean, heck, I already deliver pizza every day.  Why can't I move up to something that has to tip better?  
  One night I was over at a friend's house getting quite faded when for some reason I got incredibly pissed off at them and stormed home.  When there I went online and into those porn chatrooms.  I then proceeded to tell the guys(and girls) that I 'met' that if they called me I would give them the best phone sex they'd ever have. I then proceeded to give them my friend's phone #. I even got this one guy to call long distance from California.  I listened enraptured the next day as she told me of the strange perverted series of phone calls she received the night before. She still doesn't know it was me.  
  QUOTE -  "I've been watching lots of the Molto Mario show on the Food Network. He seems to deep-fry everything. I wanted to try it. Then it hit me: no one's ever deep fried a Twinkie. " "- brancamenta@hotmail.com "   Actually, theres a resturaunt in NY, NY that SPECIALIZES in Deep Fried Twinkies. THAT, my friend, is VERY low brow. It even got a WRITE UP in a fucking national magazine as Whats Hot!!  
  A good girl friend of mine and I went to this rustic, nude sauna once. We had, and have, a plutonic relationship although I've always had a burning desire to screw her proverbial brains out, marry her, and move to Hawaii. Well, we sat in the sauna, and the hot tub, and t swam in the heated pool and walked around naked all evening with me being quite a good, non-romantically inclined buddy, and not at all sexually tense -until we were getting ready to go and she got under a steamy shower head and arched her back as water coursed over her creamy, lithe body and erect breasts to flow over her navel and through her soft, milky thighs... I would like to fuck her in half please.  
  i went to a dairy queen in this little nowhere town, and all over the place they had signs for their website.   and i do mean a full website, with their own domain, shitty amateur HTML and everything. they even had a 2"x4", 23 meg pic of some worthless award they won.  now why the fuck does this diary queen need a website? and why are they so proud of it?  
        what a weird weekend. Told my friend that i felt something was coming. He asked me what it was and i told him i didn't know, just knew something relevent was going to happen. started friday, when Three friends and I decided to blow off a whole fucking day of school and drive off to smoke joint after joint all day. came home to find out the 'rents had gone out, but had also taken the keys to the truck. so me and my best friend are stuck with out a ride. "well, fuck it" we said and figured we'd walk to his place to get his allowence to smoke with, hell it's only an hour away, not like we have fuck else to do tonight, plus we still have a big mother fucking joint left to make the walk less boring. on the way we decide it's too far to walk, so we start hitch hiking, and the people who live across the street from me pick us up. after we smoke our phatty and get his money , our dealer needs us to meet him at his house, just a few houses down from mine, which is now another hour's walk away. well, we figure we can walk it one way no problem and lo and behold, where picked up by another friend of ours who was just returning from our dealers house, buying some weed of his own. so after geting a ride and picking up, we walk for another 45 minutes through a back-woods trail i know of. by now it's night fall and i need a place to roll a joint. we pick a place in the bushes right behind a street light that nobody from the road can see. after much prowling around our kingdom (the neibourhood) we head to the pharmecy to roll another joint on the deck set out back with a light right above it (like the place was made for late night stoners). near this place is a store anther friend of our works at, so we walk over, only to find yet another friend pulling in to the store parking lot, so we all pool up and smoke a couple of joints together. the next day at work, this guy who just got hired on, well in the process of talking about narcotics and such, tells me that he smokes weed for his epalipsy (sp?) and invites me to burn one down with him after work is over. by now i knew knew i was fucked because i had smoked two grams i was supposed to give to these other guys who had already paid me for it. so i go out with my fellow pot-head co-worker and smoke a little of his stuff. some of the best stuff i have ever smoked. old guys smoke really good shit. something I've always said and belived. later when i get home, my buddy's pissed because i smoked all the weed at work. well, never one's to be dry, we come up with a gram and a half, call the guys we owe weed to, tell them blantly that we smoked there shit and we'd make it to them some time. they respond by producing more money and asking if we can get anymore soon. we had to search around a little, but we found a hook up for them, all piled in to my car, smoked two joints with them on the way out, picked up there shit and proceeded to head back. they tell us there going to this chick's party and it's be cool if we came. with nothing else to do we head out with them. keep in mind we show up to this party with nothing, no booze, no drugs, no money, already stoned silly. we walk in, breifly say hi to the host before asking if there's anywhere we can roll a joint (of the other guy's stuff, nobody else knew how to roll). I roll up three of the biggest joints i've ever made, everyone at the party was impressed, not failing to mention, most of the student council from our school was there. after the three gaggers where passed around and done, we walk back in to see the party is going along nicely with alot of people very hammered. suddenly the party host gets up on the table and calls for everyone's attention. right then and there, amongs the cheers of her friends, she says she has an annoucment. she asks everyone who knows what it is to put up there hands. everybody in the place but me and my buddy have there hands up.he comes out the closet, proclaiming that she is "a sexually deprived dyke". Mind you, by now I'm really rip-roaring high, and this is fucking with my head big time. a few more people "come out" aided by the alcohol. damn, i mean these are well know people around the school, and i never had a fucking clue. anyway, by now the party is starting to get a little loud and one really smashed kid, who had already pissed in the sink, just threw up on the rug, causing about 7 other people to start vomiting. we decide it's time to leave. on the way back, in blinding fog, a fire hydrant has been opened by some one and is spraying water right across the road. traveling at 80 and being foggy as hell, we don't even see it coming. scared the hell out of both of us. all that out of a weekend in which we had no money and no plans. plus we came out with +5 bucks we picked up somewhere and we managed to bic a few lighters from the party. crazyest fucken two days of my life.  
  They hated it when he came to visit.   He was a pain in the ass, talked too much about nothing and was generally avoided by all.  A loser.  All this, even before he started drinking, which simply amplified his social waste-product status.  Word had it he is coming to visit, uninvited. This time, for the whole weekend.  Shit. Not a whole weekend.  They banded together and came up with a plan: The moment he set foot in the door, they would mock enthusiasm and joy of his arrival, hand him a beer and state:   "Let's have a cold one and get ready for this killer party we heard of...it will be GREAT!"  "That's perfect", he says, in between gulps. "...and hey, this is really interesting tasting beer".  The group dosed the beer with three finely crushed Sominex tablets.  "Yeah, new brand we found...have another!"  "Wow, good beer, I am feeling pretty buzzed already".  When he woke up the next day, some where around 5 PM, his friends stated how much fun they had with him the previous evening...everyone laughed at his jokes and couldn't wait to see him again. He didn't remember anything.  "I don't remember anything.."   "Man, where you funny! Hey, how bout another beer...we heard of another great party tonight...!"  And so it went, again.  There is an honest to god picture of this loser, fast asleep, next to a clock that reads 6 PM.  To this day, the guy stills thinks it was the wildest weekend of his life.  
  so here i sit.  a corporate commodity.  a number.  and i keep going back to the same thought.  they should have offered classes like "blowing your boss" and "fucking your way up the ladder" as electives in college.  i could justify that elective now.  
  I am dating the bigest Geek and I love it! She was talking about her various college applications and had this to say:  "[Particular University] said that 1,150 students were accepted, out of about 7150. 6100 were deferred, and the remainder were incomplete, withdrawn, or flat-out rejected (approx. 254, among which I do not think I will be counted). Oh well, I'm almost 90% sure I was deferred. Actually, I shuold make that... let's see.... 1150/7030x100 = 83.64% sure."  Yep, I am just using her for her mind!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Okay.  Here's how I know video games have rotted my brain:  I was returning from the laundromat with my usual 30-gallon plastic sack of clean clothes when I happened to look at my reflection, a little figure hunched over with a winter hat and a hug bag slung over my shoulder.  I looked like one of those little elves in "Golden Axe".  You know those little harmless creatures you have to beat up to get food and magic points?  So I walked the remaining two blocks home with a real fear that some dwarf with an axe would come and beat the shit out of me and steal my laundry to strengthen his spell-casting ability.  
  I really hate how my foreskin holds in piss even after I'm finished. It makes such a mess of things.  I always dry it with a wad of hand paper and toss it in the urinal. It makes me feel better about my foreskin.  Go figure - being uncut does have its advantages.  
  Today I found a black leather thong in my dad's car.  He said it was a hat.  
  Grocery clerk entry #34: Customer: No tofurkey this year? Me: No, it didn't sell too well last year so we didn't carry it. C: It sells great where we're from. M: Where's that? C: Humbolt county M: Ahhh.  
  There was this time, 15 years ago or so, where my brother and I were sitting in the living room, and we heard this:  bum bum bum bum bum bum (sound of someone running up the stairs to the second floor)  SLAM! (sound of someone slamming the door of the bathroom at the top of the stairs)  PMPH PMMMMMMPPPHHH PMMMPHPHPH!!! (Sound of farting, replete with chunks and fluids)  My brother and I realized that my mother had torn ass up the stairs, ran into the bathroom and immediately started producing high-grade gravy. We laughed our asses off, and we talk about that to this day.  Mom taking a shit. If that isn't lowbrow, I don't know what is.   
   Best Way To Quit A Job:   Eat nothing but Asparagus for 2 days and on the day of quitting stand-up at your chosen moment and piss all over your desk.  Don't hit any electronics or you may be hurting.   Its messy but the smell alone will leave them talking about you for years to come.  
  drinking ...  her: "you know your alcohol limit, rite?"  me: "yeah, of course."  2 hrs later, i'm at the toilet shitfaced, puking all over, took a shit, puked again with shit back splashing at my face, ... hell yeah i know my limit! i also know when i've passed that limit!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Over heard in a restaraunt - shouting from their respective tables:  HE: "When you going to let me see my Son?"  SHE: "When you going to pay for my damn sandwich?"  
  i was applying for a job as a cab driver with duke cab in '97.  i met the owner of the company outside of the cincinnati license bureau. he is the only person who has ever looked at my resume and said 'what the fuck is this for?'  i mean, not that my resume is anything near spectacular, but i think that my alarm bells should have been ricocheting of the insides of my skull at that point...   
  I had one of those pimples that's underneath the skin...yuck. So I picked at it and ended up peeling the entire little cirlce of skin that was over it off. Yuck. Now I've got a little circle scab on my face. Nasty. At first I was humiliated and was always trying to keep it covered at school. Eventually though I gave up.   Here's the lowbrow: Everything was the same. No one stared at me or acted weird or made any cruel comments. When I think my face has been horribly marred, I realize it looks the same to people as it always has.  Realization of one's own ugliness: priceless  
  what they see is a chick w/ long messy hair. they assume she's a slob. little do they know it's her homage to "braveheart".         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         If you drop a piece of buttered toast, it always lands butter-side down.  This morning I buttered the crust.  I'm such a smart ass.  
  Me and my friend were throwing the football around, when it suddenly ricocheted off of his nut sack. In the midst of his pain, he dropped to the ground, grabbed his nuts, and yelled "Oh, Keanu!" I said, "What the hell did you just say, man," and he responded "I said Keanu, it is the name of my right nut, the one you hurt."   A week later we were watching TV when the name "Donald Sutherland" was said on the news. My friend looked at me and said, "That's the name of the other one," I said," The 'other' what?"  He responded, "My other nut, the left nut. It's name is Donald Sutherland."  Keanu and Donald Sutherland, just two nuts in a sack.     
  i have a friend who is a huge miss cleo fan  (you know...the "jamaican" psychic with all the infomercials) now this may constitute a full moment in itself, but there is more he refers to her ads as "shows" and speculates as to when the next "episode" will air  
  Taking a cab home and sneaking into my house, feeling very clever with myself. I woke no one up. I go to sleep in my clothes I'm so tired.  The next morning I realize  my dress is inside out.  So's my underwear.  SO much for being smooth.  
  Someone at work brought in this big plastic container of these little cinnamon cookies in the shape of letters.  We sit and spell out words for amusement. If I get caught doing it enough, I'll eventually be able to spell "unemployment office".    
  11/11/01     Brewpub again.  I walk in, and a very interesting, pretty woman is sitting by herself at the bar, looking nervous.  I sit down next to her, but then ignore her completely, because I feel some empathy towards her discomfort. She obviously doesn't want to be there, alone, an easy target for assholes.  Her guys finally arrive, she exhales a wash of relief, and they talk about the day.  Guy 1: "Hey, that was an astonishing thing you said to that customer -- 'No, you damn well can't send it back.' I wish I had your guts -- that was great!"  They get to talking about Afganistan.  Guy 1: "I saw some footage of horse soldiers taking on armoured positions. HORSE soldiers!  Geez, those guys have cohones the size of watermelons."  Me: "Doesn't that make it difficult for them to get on the horses?"  Guy 2: "Hell, no!  They just throw one to one side, and the other to the other! NOTHING beats cohones!"   (a few silent seconds go by)   Guy 2, glancing towards the woman: "Well ... except maybe for you with your brass ovaries.  We certainly appreciate them today"  Guy 1: "Sheesh, you certainly showed some brass ovaries today..."  Me: "So, when was the last time somebody openly admired your ovaries?"  She loses it completely. Paws my arm, giggling, spurts something garbled about her last gynecological exam, giggles again.  That's all I need. Just the knowledge taht if I was actually serious, I probably could...   
  So my wife is safely ensconced in the labor and delivery room. The pregnancy has been hellish and we're both a bit relieved that this is the day. The maternity ward is on the second floor of the hospital and I have to run out to the car to get something. Once in the elevator on my way back, I am seized with abdominal pain that physically doubles me over. Thank god I'm the only one in the elevator! I'm having flashbacks of conversations about "sympathetic labor," and all sorts of dire warnings. Just as the elevator was cresting the second floor, I gave birth to a massive, grouchy, hair-curling, tooth-rotting fart. Oh my god... It was HUGE and   RANK!   I left the elevator feeling MUCH better. I feel sorry for the next fucker that had to use the elevator!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote from a discussion between an LAPD officer and a Korean store owner defending his property during the LA riots:  "Oh and make sure to wear black, It makes you a harder target to hit."     
  Did you know that Pokemon actually stands for "Pocket Monster"?  i thought it just stood for "really obnoxious video game that the bratty kids i babysit for are obsessed with".         
  he told me this in an earnest voice the saddest thing i have heard to date and that i dont think i will ever be able to erase or drink from my memory is no mister i dont know how to do that and besides youll get arrested im only fifteen then a pokerface i put my cigarette out left with him yelling after me i was only a fucking joke you oversensitive fuck whos got the better pokerface now prick      
  I work in the Hunting dept.  This fat lady wants a gun safe.  I wanted the sale so I'm throwing all I got at her.  Finally I say "You can keep things in it other than guns".  She replies, "Like what"?  I say the first thing that comes to mind..."Like little children"  Her husband laughs, she does not.  I didn't get the sale.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he wiped the blood off his top lip rubbed the top of his shoes on the back of his pantslegs and spit on the unconscious skinheads shiny bald pate  muttering just fucking touch that bum one more time fucker and you will die knowing full well that there would be no police investigation to this particular beating         
  The main thing I miss about my youth is all my fuckbuddies.  Suddenly, as we all got older, they wanted to talk afterward.  To me, I mean, not about me. Spiteful bastards.  
   I'll never forget what Quentin Tarantino said to me on his set once, "Hey!  You guys eat after the crew."  
  there is something vaguely obscene about the words "meatball sandwich".  oh, who am i kidding?  i hope it means some bizarre sexual position that i, being a general pornophobic and a bit of a prude, will never really know the specifics of.  but then i could be like, "my girl and i tried the 'meatball sadwich' today hahaha."  and all my friends would for once be unable to top me.  
  I went to have a cigarette by the duck pond today, during my lunch-break. When you sit down, all the ducks think you're going to throw them bread, so they gather around you like adoring inocent little kids listenning to a story. I'm not kidding, there must have been at least a hundred.   One of them to knocked the cigarette out of my hand and started eating it, untill it decided that it tasted bad.   I used to go there with my Nan when I was three years old and feed them. Now I'm all grown up and they try to eat my cigarettes.   I've gotta stop smoking.   
  How many times should a minister mention divorce in a wedding ceremony?  I am thinking none.  The preacher at my friends' wedding brought it up three times.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know it's probably time to get a new job when you hate a coworker so much, you can't walk by their office without envisioning burying the claw end of a 22 oz. hammer in the back of their head.  
   "You guys are gross.."   I say casually as I use my finger to scrape the last of the French onion dip from the bowl I got out of the trash  
  I recently went back to my high school reunion.  My highschool boyfriend told me that he just recently sold the car he was driving back then.  He said right in front of my fiance' that the blood stain from when I lost my virginity with him was still there on the backseat.  
  'Someday,' he said as we walked together toward the gym, 'somebody's going to kick my ass and I'll have never seen it coming.'   It was too good to resist. So I lagged a step behind him, drew back my leg, and kicked.   He never saw it coming.   
  Years ago in high school I was sitting at a lunch table with all my other geek friends.  Out of nowhere an oreo cookie came rocketing and struck my friend Scott in the head.  It took us a minute to put together the following:  the cookie had struck so perfectly that the two pieces of cookie had squished all the filling out in little white ribbons all over the table and Scotts head - and the ends were pressed together with no filling between them.  And they didn't even crack.  We tried in vain many times to duplicate this amazing shot much to Scotts displeasure.  
  I can always differentiate (ah, I love that word) the inputs from Canadians or Brits and U.S. folks. Words such as favorite (favourite), beer joints (pubs), tires (tyres). Those are the written words.  Face/voice conversation?  When not understanding, Canadians say, "Eh?" Texans say, "Huh?"  Oh crap, you can tell I don't have a lot to do tonight.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my boyfriend says to me (essentially):  "Shut your mouth or I'll stick my dick in it."  And that's why I love him.  
  One day when I was studying abroad I went out drinking and at the end of the night decided that instead of paying for a taxi or waiting for a night bus I would walk the 8 km distance back to my apartment.  I set out and all was well until I blacked out.  The next thing I remembered was a loud noise and the feeling of something rushing by my head.  The thing going by my head was the 7:15 bus as I had passed out within a rotary traffic circle.  I'd fallen into some bushes so I went undetected until I sat up.  I dusted myself off and looked around, realized I was only five minutes from school so I went to class.  
  i have a comprehensive collection of Japanese tentacle porn.  i don't seem the type. but now you know.  
  I hate taking a shower, and while your in there, farting.  Your all clean and stuff, and the it smells like you just dropped a fuckin log.  
  the fastest kid on the swim team had to quit because he got busted by his dad when he cracked his dads safe and stole his dope  
  So yesterday, my mom made a bunch of chicken/celery/raisin/mayo sandwiches on croissants for the people she works with for lunch.  There were a few left after work, so we had them for dinner.  Within 8 hours I was vomiting so profusely that I nearly clogged the toilet. Three times last night I woke up with a mouth full of bile.  This morning, I came into work, and was not here for more than an hour, when, surprisingly enough, I ran into the restroom and discovered that there was plenty of material left in my stomach. Long story short, 4 times while at work today, I have regurgitated. I'm not even going to get into what was coming out of the other end.  Why didn't I go home?  Because I already took Monday off, pretending to be sick.  
  Recently we had a party for some friends, family, and co-workers. I cooked a shitload of good food. We had plenty of booze and mixers. In general a real nice time.  Lowbrow, the head of my tech department in the back bedroom with the ex of another friend......checking out her new tatoo.....naked......with the blinds open.....at night....while his wife was sitting outside the window.....  350 pounds of pissed of black woman charging through the house and the ensuing argument. Whoa.....  
       I was really  hungry one evening...going on hour 29 without eating anything.   These kind of things happen when you have no food stores within two miles of you, and you have no car.               I thought if I mixed   flour       tap water and    some salt, i could make      some really nice pancakes.   what i ended up with was some inedible form which resembled a cross between a pizza crust     and    a pretzel     
  "Yeah you are your own GrandPa back there coving both ends!"  We have no idea what he was talking about, but seems rather quotable anyway.  
  when i was about 7, my parents bought one of those huge tubs of gummibears. well, i took those gummi bears and had a war with my army of lego people.  that war ended with one smashed lego empire and over 50 gummi bears and assorted gummi bear body parts impaled with toothpicks.  ah the joys of childhood.  
  a three hour modern drama class.  6 pm five minutes into class.  professor: what is modernism  silence  silence  student: it's, um, it's what comes           before postmodernism?  sweet baby jesus.  
  Ah, the penis. For some, tool of procreation! The vessel through which the seed is passed on! Instrument of ecstacy! Weapon to display dominance and masculinity!  To me, an overcomplicated piss-straw.   
  If this isn't lowbrow, then i'm not quite sure what it is.  Personally, I like to think I don't look like a skank but with a bust as big as mine, they're hard to hide. Anyway, I'm sitting in the waiting room at a doctor's office. i guess i was showing a fair bit of cleavage which was quite  unintentional because i was just  wearing a regular u-neck shirt. so i look up, and there are these two girls no older than 12 or 13 and they're giving me hard looks. I shoot them right back. Why? Hmm let's see. They are obvisiouly offended by my appearance, but get this. They're dressed in jeans probably  a size too small to make their asses seem rounder or whatever, tight little tubetop like  tank tops with one strap *they have no tits. not old enough to grow them* , bleached, platnium blonde hair slicked back, with 2 stick straight piececs of hair hauled out to look like bangs. Ugh. Not to mention, they have eyeshadow piled high on their eyelids, ugly lipstick as well as foundation packed a mile high with eyebrows as thing as a piece of paper. hmm what else. Oh, can't forget all the ugly bracelets, rings and necklaces they're wearing, Yes ladies and gentlemen, less DOES equal more. but what really gets me is the snotty look they're giving me while they have their legs crossed tightly, chomping on gum -- WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN. The 2 little 12 year olds = as low as the brow can go.    
  I wonder what the CVS clerk was thinking as I  put a tube of Astroglide and a box of pregnancy tests on the counter.  
  My boyfriend likes to do a "victory dance" after sex. This involves dancing naked in front of the bed, hands behind his back, and a goofy expression on his face. He tries to look suave, but his face usually looks more like "How you doin'?", like a bad mafioso actor in a B grade movie. He thrusts his hips back and forth, his equipment dangling, and bouncing free, much like a yo-yo. Except that it doesn't move away from his body. Because that would be freaky.  
  I play a game with lowbrow.com. When I access the site, I reload until I see one of mine. Then, I sign off - I go to work, go to bed, do the laundry, etc. Fun.  Don't go away T-Jay. Stay around if you can. The site gives me many laughs when I'm down and I know I'm not the only one.  
  How about this one:  Just returned from the laundry mat where a fine young lady held my eye.  As I crossed her path to get to my dryer I walked square into a (obviously her) fart cloud.  I mean smack through it - she must have been so embarrased.  The kicker:  That fart smelled just like one of mine.  I mean Ive smelled some farts in my day and that was one of mine!  Which made her even more intriguing.  
  Me: "Thanks for calling tech support, can I get your area code and phone number, please "  Her: "Okay..." *beep* *boop* *boop* *beeeep*  Me: "Okay, can you TELL me your area code and phone number please "  
  So I'm riding the bus through a not so nice part of LA from my boyfriend's house. I spot a very frazzled, homeless lookin black lady with giant pendulous boobies pointing at the bus and jumping up and down. She looks scared, I think she was just crazy.  Anyway, she gets on the bus and about five seconds later the bus driver says "Ma'am, I didn't get your transfer."   In response, she lifts up her shirt and flashes the bus driver.  He is silent.   Finally he says "Please put those away ma'am."  I'm going to have to remember that the next time I don't have fare.   
  I got this random fetish IM come-on on Yahoo Messenger one day.  Session Start (Yahoo! - myyahooname:hisyahooname): Sun Mar 16 22:36:34 2003  hisyahooname: Damn! You look good! I was wondering, have you ever kicked or kneed a guy in the balls before? Tell me all about it, sexy.  *** bobstevens28 has been ignored.   
  The Orb are playing in LA.  I give Perry Farrel a piece of blotter acid and tell him it's pure MDMA.  He hugs and thanks me.        
  It's only 5:30 pm.  The night hasn't even begun.  And I'm sitting here with cum...in my ass crack.  Instructions for this evening:    Shower...repeat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         slash s girlfriend needed an apartment and asked if she could move into my place as we hadda extra bedroom sure needed the help on the rent and all so what the hey come here she takes my hand and walks me into the bathroom she drops her pants has a seat on the toilet and proceeds to take a leak ok says she i can live with you if i can take a pee in front of you then i can live with you what the hell is that questionmark         
  I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I gave them all up when I realized I was flogging a dead horse.  
  As was our senior year of high-school pre-day ritual, Kevin and I went out for breakfast at the same haunt every day and skipped first period, eating eggs over easy with toast and homefries. He picks up the ketchup, and pointing the top sideways, starts hammering the bottom to loosen it up. The cap flies off and some suit-and-tie wearing motherfucker's back is coated with Heinz. No one noticed, so we didn't tell him.  
  I just had a vurp.  You know, when you burp and a chunk of barf comes up unbidden?  God, I hate that.  
  So my roomie's girlfriend has been living in our room. Cute at first, but gets old real quick. (Her fucking toothbrush is in here!)They're all retarded in love with each other, and it's sickening to anybody who's been weaned off the Disney Channel.  One day he comes back with a giant stuffed dog roughly my size (6'3" long, about half of my 220 lbs.) he bought her at Toys R'Us. He spent $100 on it, and named it Farfal.  They came back to the room the other day with Farfal hanging from my belt by the neck, and a "Goodbye, cruel world" note pinned to him.  Farfal was gone that same afternoon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I moved to L.A.  I thought it would be hot, but it is always pleasant.  I thought it would be dangerous, but it feels safe.  I thought my neighbors would be distant, but they are friendly and open.  I thought people would be conceited and judgemental, but they are just stupid and self-obsessed.  I thought the drivers would be rude, but they let me in.  It is not what I thought it would be.  And I cannot wait to leave.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when I was a kid my friend and i biked down to a beach near our cottage.  later in the afternoon when we went to get our bikes to go home we noticed someone had stashed their "street clothes" in a clump of bushes near where we laid our bikes.  shorts, sneakers, t-shirts and socks.  my friend took the clothes and on the way home stuffed them in a mailbox.  not sure what made me giggle the most - the though of the puzzled look on the mailman's face or some poor fuck walking home wearing nothing but his speedos.  
  I haven't gotten my period in a long time. It's been even longer since I've had sex. I'm not ruling out miraculous conception. In fact, I'm all for it. If I'm carrying the Christ Child I can say fuck it to pointless homework and asshole professors. Then again, what does it say about me when our hallowed Savior has fetal alcohol syndrome? Sooo divinely lowbrow.     
  Once I went on this young Christians camp to try and pick up this girl.  The group of us young 'Christians' were walking through the bush with our older Christian hosts.One of the distingushed camp elders began to question me; where I was from? What church I attended? How often did I pray? It was difficult to concentrate on answering - the girl I liked was walking ahead of me, the roll and shake of her hips was distracting.  I struggled to make up plausable answers as I had never been to church in my life. The man thanked me and was just leaving when I involintarity let exclaimed; "Jesus Fucking Christ, thank fuck for that."  Whoops.   
  After a long night of drinking, we closed down the bar. As we left, my friend and I start fighting, right in the middle of the street. Playing at first, till he hits me good in the jaw, and I get pissed. So we start throwing down right then and there. And this cop just sits there, in his car, and watches us two drunk fucks fighting and rolling around in the street on a saturday morning. After that, we went to Dennys.  
  i have found a way to piss off drivers worse than the middle finger, worse than tailgating, worse than flashing your brights incessently in their rearview mirror.    when you pass someone, roll down your window, stick your arm out, and violently shake your fist at them (it works even better if you have many people in your car).    on our way to cedar point some guy got so pissed at us he wanted us to pull over and fight him.    i think i had more fun doing that than i did the whole day at the amusement park.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was a guy I knew that had very few skills. One of them wasn't something I would show off.  Either way,it's disgusting to walk in and see your (now ex) friend performing oral sex on himself.   On the bright side, maybe he has a future being a contortionist since he had such a little dick    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My ex boyfriend was such a jerk that I once used his toothbrush to clean the toilet. Then I put it back in it's holder, and never said a word. I wonder if he noticed that blue tint on his teeth?        
  I don't wonder why I got a D on the final exam, I did, after all, draw a monster eating a stick figure (labeled me) as the answer to number 5.  
  Uptight people never shit their pants.       
  I was refilling one of those mechanical pencils and dropped one of those sticks into the dog's water dish..I guess he must have moved it across the floor. My mom screamed "He'll get lead poisoning!" I looked at her and said that they hadn't used lead in pencils in decades, and that it was graphite. She didn't miss a beat "Then he'll get graphite poisoning!" sigh...mom....   
  Had to walk 15 miles.  Ended up with really big blisters on the balls of my feet.  I popped one with a safety pin.  When I squeezed, the pus shot out of the tiny hole a good two feet.  I was amused while draining my blisters.  
  quote the only reason she hated dumping me was because she didn t have anyone to fight with and would have to deal with her fucked up little mind little in the scope and breadth of understanding and self awareness endquote must really suck knowing you only purpose was to be a whipping boy and you got suckered in by some lameass         
  My ex-g/f used to work at a comic book store.  It was a pretty kick-ass job for her, as well as for me, as I could read comics while she's closing the shop.  Behind the counter, they had the manga, so when someone wanted to look at tentacle porn or whatever, they had to ask.  Now, she had a kind of rapport going with some of the regulars, but she kept giving this one kid shit, because he'd come up and, shyly and quietly, ask for the "adult comics".  She'd feign deaf and say "the what?".  "The, uh, adult comics" even quieter.  She'd say, in a slightly-louder-than-acceptable-in-conversation voice "Oh, you want the porn?  Here you go."  One day, she decided to have a talk with him:  "Look.  You have to ask for the porn.  If you're too shy to ask for it correctly, then you're not mature enough to look at it {she had the same ideas about condoms}  So, you have to come up here and say &gt;hand slap on counter&lt; 'Give me my porn!'"  I guess he'd gotten laid, or found his balls, or something, cuz one day he comes in, full of confidence, slams his hand down on the counter and says "Dammit woman!  Give me my porn!"  She smiled at him encouragingly and started to get the porn box.  Her smile faltered when she saw the owner's wife and 2 kids, the older was 7 or so, quickly rushing out of the store, shooting dirty looks everywhere.  The guy turned about the color of ketchup, left and never came back.  
  My new favorite phrase to describe something incredibly rad goes like this:  "I wanted my eyes to grow cocks so I could come out of those too."  Thanks to B-Fatt and Filthy.  
  So, I had just downloaded a bunch of Seinfeld episodes.  I was watching The Big Salad and my mom walked in, and she really liked the show too so she stays and watches it with me.  So, we're about halfway through, and MSN Messenger proudly informs me that I have a new email message from "STEEAMY_BUTTHOLES'!!!!!!!"  Today, I am a man.  
  When I masturbate, I construct incredibly elaborate fantasies, involving very specific settings, dialogue and, of course, characters. Sometimes, I'm halfway to coming, and then I'm suddenly faced with the depressing notion that this scenario will never come to pass. Not even close.  
  I wonder what's going to happen to this site when the person who runs it grows up, gets off drugs, gives up binge drinking and comes to terms with his sexuality?    
  I'm currently in the process of quitting smoking.  I calculated the amount of money I've spent on cigs, and realized I've spent quite a bit of money over the last 6-1/2 years.  Enough money, in fact, to buy a Harley Sportster, a helmet, leather coat and gloves, chaps, saddlebags, boots (all Harley&reg; name-brand, of course), the necessary classes to get my motorcycle license, and registration for the next 6 years.  And not the base Sportster, either.  The all-out one with all the bells and whistles.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm the fat guy you see at the mall with the hot girlfriend.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Looking back, the most annoying thing my ex did was going through my mp3 collection the first time he ever visited my room.  I mean, I can accept the fact that I have the collected works of Bon Jovi on my computer but shouldn t that be something I tell him while drunk or at least after the fifth date?   In response, I now have a shameful mp3 folder.  Some people keep porn in their  other  folder   mine contains Paula Abdul s Rush Rush.   
  i was standing outside of the coffee shop where they were having the show... just smoking a cigarette and chatting with some friends.then there was suddenly an extremely attractive boy standing next to me, smiling. this was a pleasant surprise.. so he starts talking to me- "so... how do you like the show so far?" i reply with- "well, i heard te first band sucked big time... but i'm hoping someone better will go on when i go in."  "oh, um... ok. well, we go on again in a few minutes, so maybe i'll see you inside." "ok, cool... bye!" i thought i had been so smooth, and then a friend of mine came up to me and said- "why were you talking to him? hes the lead singer from that first band that i told you sucked really bad." and he fucks himself over, yet again...  
  My ex-father-in-law is a neat freak. If you eat at his house, you have to wash your hands TWICE before sitting down at the table.  He also seems to think that sex is dirty and vile.  Whenever I need a smile, I just think of the first time I banged his daughter...on the dining room table...right where he sits to eat.  Serves ya right ya bastard!   
  Since I arrived at University nearly a month ago I haven't yet made it to the laundrette. I'm a student; if there's no visible stains, it's clean.  Just as well I never wear undwear anyway.  
  Well.   Which about sums it up.   I was in this really fancy hotel last week, where you basically have to be in black collar dress to enter the doors. I looked around at all the fancy, snobby old people, and then went back out into the car and changed into my normal, punk black, and to top it off, my black spiky collar.  Hey, I mean, thats black collar.  Walked back in and laughed my ass off at all the dissaproving stares of the stuffy old people-  As I waltzed myself up to my VIP suite, I thought, hey- go screw yourself if you don't like how i look! Its like that one ad with the chick with the blue hair-  "Half of the population envies the way I look. The other half- well, really, who gives a shit?!"  
  goddamn right.  love the cancer.  maybe i changed in the intervening months or something, but it feels so good to be back here.  like it's more than just an addiction again.  maybe the "about" page does it.  perspective, or something.  sorryee used to be just a quirky and somewhat interesting person, but now he's a pretentious bastard.  ditto all you other magnificent bastards.  things are the way they should be.  "i like all the different people, i like sticky everywhere."  it's like a penis shoved into my brain.  
  I want to work at the video store.  My job is better and pays more but I want to have a 'my picks' shelf. I'd have  Starship Troopers, McCabe and Mrs. Miller, Ishtar, Cannibal the Musical,   and a little note that says the rest of 'my picks' are in the adult section. Also, maybe I could nail that chick that works there.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)                  PLANNING FOR HEAD  When apart from my wife for several days, we talk on the phone about how she wants to suck my balls and throat my cock.  Essentially, she is trying to do her part to keep me interested while on the road.  I love it.    The day before I get home, knowing my wife is going to rape me...I find myself watching what I eat because of that one time when a woman told me my balls smelled like Burger King.    
  The wife (brown hair) and her female friend (also brown hair) are sitting together chatting on the couch. I (blonde hair) an sitting in my rocker flipping TV channels not paying much attention to anything. I hear the friend say, "..I wish I had blonde hair like your husbands." "me too" says the wife. I jump up and strike a super-hero pose with fist on hips and say in a loud voice, "YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE POWER OF BLONDE!" Then I return to my seat and continue flipping channels. The girls decide to sit outside on the porch..  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hollowpoints expand on impact...  
  shitty day. the kind that makes you wish you had a rifle and a belltower handy. mom makes brother and i go to the damned store to pick up whatever for dinner. crammed store full of inbred idiots.  i walk outside, and theres a little girl handing out kittens.   she looks up at me, ever so sweetly and asks, mister, do you want a kitty?  I reply, no thanks, i've allready eaten today.  Hear sharp intake of breath from mother and i know that from that moment on, i'm having a GOOD day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Staccato" is a wonderful word. It sounds interesting, and slightly resembles the noun or action to which it is refering.  I have seen it used properly many times, and sometimes with very effective results.  But there is some quality to it that makes the author seem as though he pulled out a thesaurus and looked up "ripping fart."  
  "have you ever played sexual trivia?" the woman asked us as we pored over her yard sale lot. we didn't answer her -- i was debating over whether or not to pick up the 1980s edition of 'how to win friends and influence people,' while jon was inspecting the atari 2600 at the end of the block. "oh, you two should totally try it," she exhorted. "i got 10 orgasms in 5 minutes!"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in the navy I stood countless hours of watch with a guy from Hawaii who said totally random funny stuff.    One day after 8 or so hours of being on watch, I was zoning out pretty bad, just watching all the meters and thinking about how I really wanted to be back in port.  My coconut friend comes up and asks "Hey man, when you're boning a chick from behind, do you ever hear that bionic man noise in your head, you know, the da-da-da-da-na-na-na-naaaaa sound?"  "Nope." I said.  "Hmmmm.  Must just be me then."  To this day that shit is still funny to me.  Thanks coconui.  
  Boy... You never realize how serious take things until you walk in to a cumberland farms, drunk off your ass, at 3 in the morning and tell the clerk your going to kill him and burn down his house.  
  Normally, a guy buying a Tickle Me Elmo would strike her as cute, but this guy was just plain pathetic.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I lost my virginity when I was 16.  I've never went over a month without sex.  Even two weeks is rare.  I'm now 24.  And I haven't had a boyfriend in 3 years.    Is that lowbrow or just being really really easy?  
  My experience living in the dorms at college were wide and quite varied.  I was a psych major but most of the guys on my floor were into physics or engineering type shit. This made for some great "practical" jokes.  Needed:  6' rubber tubing 1 quart flask with single hole stopper. 4" piece of glass tube 4 oz. nitric acid 1 penny  Put acid in flask and seal with stopper. Put glass tube in hole in stopper, attach rubber tubing.  Run tube under neighbors door, open flask, insert penny, seal flask.  Man, that red gas sure does smell.....  Quite toxic too.  
  One time this guy came over who obviously had no idea how to start the foreplay that leads up to sex.  So we were just sitting on the couch and all of a sudden he goes, "WOW, I sure am hot...I better take these pants off."  Yes, I'm serious.  I have to give him points for creativity, but damn...guys that line WON'T get you ass.   Even for me...that's just a little too easy.  
  Okay, so I am an animal control officer part time for my small hick town. I get a frantic call from a woman who says that her daughter drove by a house and called her in hysterics because she saw a small dead dog in someone's driveway and the person that lives there has a past history of abusing dogs.  So-  I jump in my truck and speed over there.  I see the dog in the driveway.  It's legs are sticking straight up in the air.  The woman opens her window and says, "Can I help you?"  I say, "Someone called me about the dead dog in your driveway."  -But-  I say,  "Now I see it is a stuffed animal."  She says,  "Yeah, that's my dog's chew toy."  Glad I blew an hour doing that.  Jesus.   Look before you leap, people.   
  My friend Mark moved to an itty bitty town in Arkansas about four months ago. He says he's doing an experiment on the flow of tourism in small cities. I think he just got sick of the people here. Anyway, he's been writing me letters telling me what's been happening and the results of his experiment. Apparently they get such few tourists that they decided to build shops with wacky names. He told me about this used shoe store (which I find partially icky; the shoes, I mean) called 'Sell Your Sole'. A few people come and go just for that. But what really gets me (and a lot of other people apparently) is this imported rug store called 'Fancy A Shag?'. Mark said he applied for a job there and they hired him right away. The best part is when he answers the phone: "Fancy a shag? This is Mark. How may I help you?". I find it absolutely hilarious and he says that people started calling in just to get a laugh. The job pays well, I hear.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just saw John Malkovich. He was two people ahead of me in line at Ekerds, buying a large box of close-out Valentine's Day candy. It was a 36-count bulk pack of those little candy Valentine hearts with printed messages on them, like "Be Mine" and "Sweetheart." The scanner wasn't working properly, which meant the cashier had to take one of the smaller boxes from the shrink-wrap to scan it 36 times.  I suppose even John Malkovich can have tedious days.  
  After we both agree to end our 25 year marriage, we still sleep in the same room. After about a week we have sex again-this time I ram my cock in her ass as she's cuming. Before we drift off, she says "that was nice". We are still going for the divorce.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         when i was in high school i made the swim team dweeb take me and my  girlfriend to his house for lunch. his parents werent home. she would sit in my lap while we ate ham sandwiches.  
  An email told me I could have a 12" dick in days.   I was excited, but then I realized- I don't know where this dick has been.   And 12" is a bit much, anyway.  
  My first wife "believed" in me.    That all ended when we were just lying around and I ran my hand up to her panties and instinctively smelled my fingers right away.  I told her I loved her, etc.  Then she interupted me, "You just smelled your fingers."  
  Not too long ago I was driving home from a long weekend.  It had started snowing suddenly and the slush was building up on the road.  Doing 70 mph in a 86 high-center-of-gravity-death-trap Toyota pickup I wasn't paying attention.  Suddenly the pickup slides sideways and continues down the road at about 50, sideways.  Then the tires catch pavement.  A rollover was bound to happen.  I fear death more than anything, yet once confronted with the inevitable I found my thoughts occupied only by one thing, "Gotta hold it in, can't be found dead with piss all over my pants."  
  I knew it was time to end the relationship when we stopped  going to that sex shop in the Village and we ended up in that Crate and Barrel on Madison Avenue.       
     Awhile back, I overheard my girlfriend at the time mention to someone that she had to go pee. I knew that our window had a missing blind at that if you go up to the window from outdoors, you could peek in and the person inside would not be able to see you. I wanted to surprise her so I ran outside and looked in the spot and to MY surprise, it was not her. It was one of her simply gorgeous girlfriends that was over at the time. I could not stop watching. She ended up getting off the bowl, wiped and then walked over to the mirror to check herself out. She turned her back to the mirror and opened up her ass cheeks to check out her own asshole !!! Then she stuck a finger in it. I jerked off to that image for 2 years. I never told a soul...      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just got done with my shower, getting ready for work. I walk into my room and the FIRST thing that catches my eye isn't the christmas lights on the wall, not the cat bolting for me... It's the fan in the window. The fan blades conveniently stopped in such a way as to look like the playboy bunny logo.  Today is going to be a good day, me thinks.  []D [] []\/[] []D  F5 *reload*  
  Nothing beats the relief found in releasing an "after-date fart" that's been building all night.  
  Damn! I wish I had remembered to turn off my webcam.  Oh, well. It is protected by a password .  .  .  that I just gave to my mother and sister. Double Damn!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever peed 2twice in 5minutes but in different bathrooms ?  well you do if you drive to work 3minutes and then use the bathroom.  so i am half a sleep and go peeing again , damn i am coke-a-holik .  so i am peeing there looking in the mirror( i love my self ) all of a sudden i hear " shit you moron what the hell are you doing " -000ps   that was my boss i have peed all over his pants he has been on my left in the stall all theese time i was enjoying myself.  Another fun day @ work  
  Sometimes when I can't sleep memories torment me.   The latest kick: Bad Dates  First date I was asked to meet the parents. Before we left her parents insisted we join hands, bow our heads in prayer. They asked me to lead.   "Uh.", I was scrambling. This is a test for sure. I can't fuck this up. This chick is the easiest fuck in the county. Think dammit! THINK! "Uh, thank you for this date, um, for the  opportunity for this date with Melissa."  I glance up at her parents and they're both looking at me, blankly.  "Um...", better lay it on thick. "help us to have a safe date and get home on time...", and now for the big finish. "and to resist temptation...Amen." After we left Melissa, my date, wouldn't touch me. I asked her why.  "Because you prayed for us to resist temptation. I don't feel right giving in..." I didn't even get to first base that night so I drove her home. Two weeks later my friend Tim fucked her behind the library after a football game.  Did you have to pray? I asked him. "No." he said. "We all joined hands and shit, but I told them I wasn't good at leading a prayer."  Why the hell didn't I think of that?      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I recently learned that bonobos, a type of ape that looks like a chimpanzee, has sex hundreds of times a day.  Not just hetero sex either.  Im talking about all kinds of sex with everyone.  Friends, relatives, complete strangers; man, woman and child.  I dont know about you but I want to be a bonobo.  Whos with me?!  
  Alright a friend of mine is really into the ricer thing. I am talking by a ten thousand dollar car and put another ten thousand in plastic on it. Didn't do anything to the engine but damn that plastic makes it look cool and he put an awesome sound system in it. So fast forward a ways i am throwing a party. As a joke after said friend gets drunk we place some bach in his cd player. Bach you idiot classical music for those of you to dumb to know that. So what happens in the morning. Gets in his ricer turns the volume way up and starts the car. Damn i miss those days  
  When you go to middle school on a day where you have diarhea, it's not good when PE consists mainly of jumping jacks.  squirt. "Coach, I have to go see Mr. Jenson, right now!" So I go and, too embarrassed to say what happened and not allowed to go home without a reason, I leaned over his desk and said, "Mr. Jenson, do you smell something?" "Yes, what is that?" I turned around revealing a brown stain on the back of my oversized heather grey gym shirt. (Why did I sit down?) My parents couldn't pick me up, so Mr. Jenson takes me out to his car, lays a trash bag on the passenger seat and drives me home.  My life is a punchline.  
  listening to my new neighbor have sex. hmm, I think i remember seeing how hot she was. Yeah. Maybe I'll pay a little more attention to the people who come and go from the building next to the one I live in. Maybe she'll want to come over for cocktails some evening. That's when it hits me. None of this will ever happen.  
  i had a cold, i was all flemmy and sick and it was gross. i stayed home from school.  my little brother had made some butterflies out of paper and was trying to sell them to  my parents for a dollar. the little shit made 7$! so i walked up to my mom, spit in her hand and said "thats a trial offer, i can get you more for a dollar" well not only did she not buy any, kieran started to cry. ah good times  
  o.k. so, the other day I was beatin my wife when the phone rings, so I says ta myself, "what thee shit is this fuck!" so I answer the fuckin thing and it's my scumbag father, Farm Man. I says to him, I says, "what in tarnation do you want you crotcety ol' deuche bag?" An the nerve a this fuckin guy, he says to me, he says,"listen up ya fuckin bastard, you can take a flyin lip lock to my fuck stick, cuz I din't raise you to be such a fucker!" I says,"that's true, please proceed..." an he says,"listen fuckface, I gotz sumptin wicked important to tell you but I can only tell you on the jerry springer show!" I says," dad, you silly little bitch, what the fuck... I aint no fuckface, I'll be there. you can count on me!", I says. So I show up there an jerry's like, ok here's your dad an he's got somethin to say to you ya bastard. an my dad comes out an sits down in the chair next to me... he looks at me and says," hey prick, i'm ballin your fuckin wife!" I was like ,"eat fuck and die, you cock weasel"... and that was my lowbrow moment.         
  And then there was that time that she and I decided to get rip shit cocked on bloody mary's just before graduation practice.  We were making out in the truck to this song and it was just beautiful and within minutes I had snapped my favorite sunglasses in half out of anger.  They were those 80's sunglasses with no bottom rim - like Bruce Willis wore on moonlighting.   They say you can never go back.  
  Got a new shirt, in my recent cranky mood, says Fuck you and your nice day. Girl bagging my stuff at the market said it was very sad to see someone so hostile.  I told her, be glad they make shirts like this. Otherwise I'd have to go around armed to prove my point. She bagged really fast.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Hudson River Tales: Striped Bass   (Just a short setup: bear with me)  Wonderful article in the NY Times about the recovery of the striped bass population in the Hudson River. Seems they're polluted with PCBs but they don't do the fish any harm. But PCBs can be fatal to children and fetuses, so fishing for them was banned. So the population recovered. Guy writing the article gets very fanciful: "Suppose that people were in the position of striped bass. Aliens   to whom we are the equivalent for striped bass, in both intelligence and taste   came to Earth to harvest us by the hundreds of millions.  This went on for many generations until the human population was really dwindling, at which point the aliens realized that the exhaust from their spaceships included a chemical that accumulated in our tissues and posed a danger to them. What would they do? Turn to catch and release, probably.  Oddly this is an exact description of alien abductions, which makes you wonder: do fish have trouble making other fish believe that they have been hooked, reeled in, photographed, and then, inexplicably, released?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Overheard while shopping at Wal*Mart [I was near the birth control aisle looking at vitamins]:   "Baby, why don't we try the new Trojans?"   "Oh yeah! They even make them for really big dicks now."  "Yeah, I bet it would fit nice over your head."   "Heh, I know I'm hung like a horse."  "Not that head, baby."   When he saw I had overheard, I simply shook my bottle of Vitamin C and laughed. Nothing stings more than getting dissed in the birth control aisle of Wal*Mart.      
  I'm wondering if it's a lowbrow moment reading lowbrow and then just having to join the masses with a stupid email address.  Or is it even lower that all the good ones are already gone?  I salute you! Stupidbastard@hotmail.com and of course Stupidestbastard@hotmail.com  At least I now know that some just aren't fake.  But still salutes to sorry_e_e for actually having the damn ass time to reply to my mails.  I still owe him a pint of ale I think.  
  Speaking of mistaken lyrics...you know that cheesy-ass song with the chorus that goes:  "Blinded by the light!"  I still can't figure out what he says after that...sounds like:  "Wrapped up like a douche..."  I've never unwrapped a douche so I can't relate.  But listening to that song does give me that not-so-fresh feeling.  
  story 1) two old people (a couple) come into the theatre, go up to box office.  (sam is working and tells me this story later).  they get tickets to see "my big fat greek wedding" so sam's respect for them lowers a little bit.  the wife looks at our prices and says "honey, you're a senior."  the man looks at her and says "fuck you" drawing out the 'ou' in you.  sam's respect for the man raises.  story 2) i'm working box office this time.  two old ladies come up to see their movie.  "five bucks each" i say, and one tries paying for both, but the other will have none of this, and both pay for themselves.  the one says "why wouldn't you let me pay for you?"  to which the other replies "because i don't like you."  i immediately refunded that old lady's ticket.   sometimes, old people can be cool.  
  To the teenage readers: Have you ever been walking around at night with your friends, and then down the street, you see a car flashing it's lights at you? You dont think of anything, and just watch the car as it comes closer and closer. You being the tough teenager, you plan to glare at the driver, and finger him as he passes you. So as the car nears, you start to feel hyped, and ready to make a stand. But the car flashes his lights once more, then accelerates. You dont phase, but then the driver swerves right into your path! You freak, and dive away, like in some movie. So when you're lying there, the driver hits reverse, and stops beside you, laughs, then drives off. All you see is some asian kid, just about your age... heh... that's me. ;D  
  At work, I picked up the phone to hear a female telemarketer talking to me in ebonics. She said she wanted to "axe" me a few questions, and I stopped her and said that the proper pronunciation of the word was "ask," not "axe." She started getting bitchy about it, so I hung up the phone. The phone range two minutes later, and when I answered it, it was her again! She said, "Axe. Axe." and hung up. I laughed.  
  I'm probably the best pinball player that you'll ever know.  Really.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was siting at a blackjack table in Las Vegas and another player was moaning how he only had about 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Another player broke the table up with laughter with the remark "welcome to Las Vegas".         
  10/10/02  Karaoke staff party in Osaka, Japan. Drinking, and singing. Two activities that do not really belong together. The Japanese have a word for what such office parties really are though; nomimunication. Nomu=to drink. Communication, from English. The idea being that by getting drunk together, the barriers of inhibition can come down and true communication can happen. This is the true communication. Stumbling home, lost and drunk when I barely speak the language, I call my soon-to-be wife on my celphone. "Sorry for calling you at 3:00AM, but I thought you might be worried. I'm on my way home, and should be there soon," is what I had planned to say. What came out when she answered the phone was, "Hi. I'm incredibly drunk." When I got home I spent the next four hours vomiting. Nomimunication indeed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I woke up this morning still drunk, in fact I felt more drunk this morning than when I went to sleep (passed out) So I wake up go and take a beer/whiskey shit... you know the kind that has the consistancy of pancake batter with little hard bits mix in.  Anyway I look at my wrist and I am wearing a hospital band. Well confused and bleary eyed I stumble into the living room of my apartment, and there on my couch is a beautiful brunette in tiny little shorts snuggled up with a throw pillow blanket half off of her. Her tight buns were begging to be spanked. She says to me, "hey (name) how'd you sleep last night?" stunned I begin to ask her, "I'm sorry do I... did we....?" she smiled and gave a bit of a giggle and responds, "yes and you were fabulous!" Well I figured I'd be honest with her, "I don't remember a thing I appologize but what is your name?" Anyway we talk for a bit and she gets me to show her my penis... in walks my roommate I begin laugh at the situation, and he rushes me, pants around my ankles, dick in hand, drunk and dazed I fall to the floor then he yells at me because my cock rubbed his thigh when we hit the floor, I begin to laugh so hard that I pee.  Turns out it was my roommates 16 year old slut sister, and that hospital band was from the bar, part  of a promotional thing.  
  How do you tell your friends that you'd rather sit around smoking pot and playing nintendo than go out to the pub with them?  I don't want to offend them or anything, but I'll be damned if I'm going to pry my ass off this sofa.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fuck WWJD. I mean, I'm a Christian and all, but really. I live by WWMD  What Would MacGyver Do?  
  2/26/03  One morning I wake up to find my roomate, standing in front of the refrigerator, freezer door open, sniffing the top of a plastic milk jug and giggling hysterically.  "Smell this," he insists.  I'm still half asleep, so when he holds the open bottle up to my nose, I take a deep whiff.  Mistake.  The stench wafting up from that bottle was enough to unhinge my knees.  I collpased in a heap on the floor, eyes watering, snorting like a mad bull to clear the vile odor from my nostrils.  I'd literally been knocked down, the smell was so bad.    "What was that?" I gasped.  The bottle seemed completely empty except for a thin glaze of ice at the bottom.  He laughed crazily.  "Last night when I was studying, every time I had to fart I'd hold this bottle up to my asshole and fart into it.  Then I stuck it in the freezer overnight to see what would happen."  So that was it.  Frozen farts.    More disturbing than the smell, perhaps, was the ice build up on the bottom of the bottle.  I guess all that humidity coming out of his ass had condensed and frozen into pure fart crystals.  "Want to smell it again?" he giggled.  "Sure, why not."       
  remember when you were in grade school & coloring inside the lines was such a big deal?  i always wondered what difference it made.  last week, driving in near-total darkness on the interstate in heavy traffic, realizing that my life depended upon everyone around me staying within the flourescent dotted and solid lines, i finally understood what all the fuss had been about.   
  This guy came over to fuck, but instead of the usual, "Let's pretend to watch TV and then in a few minutes fuck" bullshit I guess he thought he'd be a complete retard instead.  So over and over again he flipped a quarter in the air and said, "Call it, heads or tails."  He must have done that a good 50 times before the action started.  What the hell????  I can say that's about the weirdest before-sex-bullshit any guy has ever done.  Good thing he had a big dick, that was almost unbearable.  
  I stopped by my friends house, he had just come home with some groceries. We chatted as he put things away. He picked a jar of jelly out of the bag, opened it, closed it, and put it in the refrigerator.  "Why did you do that?" I asked.  His reply, "It says to refrigerate after opening".  I still laugh at him about that, and he still doesn't understand why.  
  Sometimes I think that my son (28 years old) resents the fact that I'm not the average cookie making, pleasantly plump grandmother type.  Then he surprises me by saying, "Oh mom, you're such a geek."  My daughter (32) says she's her mother's daughter.  Maybe they really do love me.  
  I was bored so I ate a restaurant package of jelly.          
  You want lowbrow? I will give you lowbrow.   On the way back from lunch I saw a guy driving an old compact Mazda hatchback while wearing a ten gallon hat. It doesnt seem like much, but just picture it in your mind. Doesn't work does it?  
  I once had this girlfriend I dated for over 2 years who one day came too me and told me that she had cheated on me 6 months after we started dateing.  I told her I would find it in my heart too forgive her.  One week later I guilt tripped her into anal sex, which up until that point I had never had before.  I haven't talked too her since after that.  I heard she joined the military and now volunteers for suicide missions or something...  
  This one is particularly for the vegans who may visit this site:  In my senior seminar for Business Adminstration, we were doing a case study on Purdue Chicken.  We spent two hours in class talking about thier practices, policies, etc, and spent a good deal of time talking about the way chickens are treated, not just by Purdue, but some of the less savory practices as well.  So After reading the case study twice, writing a short paper about Purdue, and the consumption of chicken, as well as the mistreatment of chickens, topped off by a two hour class discussion about it, what choice did I  have?  I went home, grabbed my roommate, and we gorged ourselves on a bucket of fried chicken.  
   Forgetful Gearhead  I've just put a new engine in my VW camper, by myself, out in the street in Cambridge, MA, in February.  (That sounds like bragging, but perhaps the LowBrow moment here is really that I was making $60K/year at the time, but was still too Scottish to pay someone to do it for me.)  It starts up first try, yeah! I check it out for a while. The expensive new fuel-injection is working perfectly. I take it for a test drive. Yum -- twice the power of the old one. Now my camper can do 0..60mph in about 30 seconds :-) Three miles into the trip, the engine sputters and dies. Shit. Three days on my back in the snow, and $1500, maybe down the drain. Then I notice the gas gauge. Oops. I walk down Rt. 2 to the nearest exit, and hit up the first house I see. I ask to use the phone to call one of my roommates. The guy looks conflicted, then sheepishly leads me into the living room and points out the only phone in the house -- a 2' tall Mickey Mouse with the ring dialer mounted on his stomach.  
  I'd just got in the car with my friend Roni when she said, "Matt there's somebody outside the car."  This man with a thick mustache and beedy eyes behind coke bottle glasses was staring into my car purposefully.  I rolled down the window (a crack) and he asked if me if I would like to donate to a "fund" which after a long rambling sob story seemed to be just a fund for him and a theoretical family.  I awkwardly handed him a dollar.  A month later I was out with Roni again and the same guy approached us in the parking lot of a Lubys.  He came over to us with a question on his face but as he started his speech I said, "Oh, I've already talked to you."  He said "thank you" and scuttled away.  You know I'm glad I got that out of the way the first time.        
  Do porn directors actually think, "Man this is a great shot; everybody's going to love this." when they go in for a close-up of some dude's nasty, hairy grundle as he's hitting the pooty?  
  Did you know dogs are so stupid that if you throw a hotdog with a lit firecracker into their yard, they ignore the firecracker and gulp it down, and sometimes it stays lit? And that dogs make good silencers? Well, now you know.  
  I was sitting in class one day while my class was hooked on saying "scrotum" and "cocksucker" every few minutes. Finally the teacher yelled out, "The next person who says that word will get a detention." We all thought this was funny and were asking "What word" and stuff like that. Then this one girl got balls and said, "What? cocksucker?" My teacher's jaw dropped. But that's not the end of it, that smartest girl in class piped in, "Wouldn't it look funny to read a detention slip that said _____ said cocksucker in class after being asked not too."  Needless to say the teacher gave up after that and no one got any detentions. You got to figure you've lost it all when the only girl who can explain the Calvin cycle in complete detail chimes in the classes rantings of the word "cocksucker."   
  word to the wise...  a) I grew up reading MAD and Cracked magazine. Watched a lot of I love Lucy, Brady Bunch and Scooby Doo. b) Didnt go to college, barely finished school. c) I now pull down 100K per year working for myself.   Public Enemy said it best.....  ..... Dont believe the hype!     
  I know a guy from Indiana who calls grilled cheese sandwiches 'cheese toasties'.  
  This one time me and some friends were out on the beach drinking, and a couple of young girls put down a blanket a few yards away. After they layed down and got settled they untied there tops so they wouldn't get a tan line. Well my friend tells this little kid he wants to play a trick on our "girlfriends" and has this kid run over and dump a cup of ice cold water on them. They jumped up tits flopping all over the place. God it was funny , until the cops showed up.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My best lowbrow moment was the moment I woke up, drenched in a pool of vomit, with two girls in my bed.  
  some say life begins at 40. others say 50. i say life begins after you wake up in the bathroom stall at the hard rock cafe in london.  
  Back in March I bought a big box of Peeps. I ate all but one row, which was left in my cupboard, open, for as we all know, Peeps are good, but they are better stale. It is now the end of May and I think they have ripened.   
  My 11 year old daughter got head lice from a friend last week.  I found some nits in my wife's hair as well.  Later that evening, my wife said something along the lines of "combing it out of your hair is easier than combing it out of your pubes."  I really didn't need to know that some prior boyfriend gave her crabs.  Honest.   
  i lost a man and thirty pounds a year and a half ago and that fat ass i had got a lot more action than this skinny one  
  When I was in college, an english class of mine used a computer lab we went into once a week. On the chalkboard a student from a different class eloquently wrote on the top of the chalkboard:  "If I quit smoking...then what will I put in my mouth???"    That message stayed up there the entire semester, no professor from any class erased it.    I guess nobody was thinking what I was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Finally remembering what my therapist had told me was my reason for self-destructively seeking out "sailor". "loner" types, I mustered up the courage to come out and say, "I need clarity in a relationship.  Probably more than most people." "You won't get it here," he said, pissed that I had flown all the way to Japan and wouldn't have sex with him without some sort of commitment.  Oh, but you just gave it to me.        
  my parents told me after we moved out of the old house that there was a murder that happend there a few years before we moved in. In MY fucking bedroom. I wonder what else they were hiding from me?  
  A voice calls out her name as we exit the bar at last call. "C---- Sm---?" "Yes?" "Oh, that's funny, you said your name was Melanie last time I pulled you over. Get over here." Me:"Oh shit, gimme your purse." "What?" "Gimme your fucking purse now -shit." Too late. He begins to arrest her for an outstanding warrant, but he doesn't recognize me, so mine gets by for now. "Hey, give me your purse. My paycheck is in it. I won't be able to post bail." She starts to hand it to me and the pig grunts and reaches for it simultaneously and it all goes in  s l o w  m o t i o n  for a few painful seconds, then I YOINK! it from his feeble grasp, mumble something incoherent and nimbly disappear around the corner, searching for somewhere to hide all that coke.  
  i have firmly decided that the guy (i guess) who invented lowbrow deserves a blowjob. a  good  blowjob (i.e. not from someone too drunk to care).   i would offer to do it myself, but having never seen the guy, i am too scared... what if he's scary or really fat or married or a chick?   someone's going to have to take one for the team...  
  I was on the bus, listening to other peoples conversation, when I heard two sixteen year old girls discussing sex.   The bolder of the two proclaimed that every womans fantasy was to have sex in the shower.         
  I was just watching TV this morning and for some reason ended up watching the National Junior High Cheerleading Championships.  I felt kind dirty watching these tiny prepubescent girls doing high kicks.  So I changed the channel to "kids in the hall" and watched two men dressed as women fight.  It didn't help.    
  Once, while visiting our company's brand new office on a Sunday, nearly un-escorted, I exacted revenge.  There is a seriously poor white trash middle aged bitch who I had worked with for years who caused me nothing but pain through her total ineptitude and incompetence.  I dropped my pants and inserted the mouthpiece of her brand new telephone handset between my asscheeks, and rubbed it around and around for about five minutes.  Then the guy who let me in was coming, so I had to stop.  I still smile thinking of my chickenshit revenge, wondering if she ever realized that she was smelling my ass every day.  
  lying in the couch/bed of my parents friends yaught; watching  some horrible movie.  mom,dad and yaught owners on the deck of the boat getting wasted and playing  horrible music on guitar. yaught lady comes into the hull; she is wasted with a huge wine glass of box-wine in her hand. i notice her presence but decide to pretend I don't see her.   she climbs onto the bed reeking of bbq pork and cheap wine. All I heard while desperately trying to ignore her drunken chatter: IF YOU EVER WANT TO GET A BOYFRIEND YOU  BETTER WAX THOSE EYEBROWS OF YOURS. WHEN YOUR OLD ENOUGH, BUT IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY START WAXING. I looked away and her fat ass struggled up the ladder to the deck.  I was 8.  
  I keep missing calls from this girl I really want to talk to. I think its cause my cell phone is evil. It wont ring when she calls but EXACTLY 2 hours later, it displays her number as a missed call. Maybe I shouldn't have spilled shampoo on it this summer.  
  A friend of mine went out a couple times with a guy she met on Match.com. He was obsessed with guinea pigs. I mean, you know how there are rescue operations to save cats and dogs? He went on rescue operations to save guinea pigs.  He drove hours out of his way to adopt guinea pigs or to find homes for them.  He would call her, and when his guinea pigs squeaked, he'd put them up to the receiver and say, "They're talking to you!" By the way, he was qualified to practice law in California.  "Why do they hate us so much?"   
  Read on Lowbrow:  I once asked my neighbor why he was joining a frat.   He said "Don't call it that. It's a Fraternity."    When asked why he was taking it so seriously, he responded thusly, with a straight face:    "You don't call your country "cunt", do you?"    I heard this from a frat boy myself.    I responded, "Well, I call frat boys cunts."  He wasn't nearly as amused as I was   
  I have to tell you about my very first lowbrow experience.  I was fourteen or fifteen years old, and on a field trip with school.  We were in a movie theatre, and I didn't have any money to buy popcorn, so when the popcornfight began, I dropped on my knees and started munching away on all the popcorn that fell next to the seats, while happily absorbing visual stimulation of the screen.  This however was not the lowest of the moment.   I accidentally picked up a chewing gum from the floor that looked exactly like a popcorn. As I chewed on it, and by this discovering it was an old discarded chewing gum my only thought was:   "Mmmh, lemon flavoured, my favourite!"  
  I was at a club with my girlfriend seeing some musician that she won tickets to on the radio.  We were watching this show and some drunken chick was beside me dancing around like a mad woman.  Keep in mind, I was beside my girlfriend with my arm around her while this insane woman is dancing on the other side of me.  It's shoulder to should in this place, so I didn't think very much of her bouncing against me, at least not until she started rubbing her tits on my back slowly.  I turned around and she smiled and licked her lips.  I know she was just fucking with me cause she knew I had a girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care that I knew.  She continued dancing behind me until my girlfriend saw her and pulled out a handful of her hair.   Of course, this is all anonymous, so that could be all bullshit that I made up.  And maybe not.   
  I was over a friends house, minding my own business, when I accidentily knocked soda all over my leg. I found a towel and started cleaning it up when I'm suddenly hit by a man screaming 'noooo' as he snatches the towel. How was I supposed to know that I was trying to clean up my leg with his 'cum towel'... That's just gross.  
  Xmas time, to celebrate my friend gets a few bottle of Sam Adams Triple Bock for presents.   "What is it?" "I don't know, by my brother says one bottle gets you drunk off your ass" "Sweet!"  Sit down to drink, open the bottle and take a large swig together. We are rewarded with a taste not completely unlike Turpentine. But troopers we are, and we down the bottle, getting ourselves highly buzzed.   Upon wondering why it tastes like shit, we consult the website and find out it should be sipped and served in two ounce glasses.  We're opening another bottle, but this time the funnel is coming out, better to get it done with soon.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My son had a bloody nose in the new car, so I made him take off his dirty sock and hold it to his nose so that the blood wouldn't drip on the upholstery.  
  i just read 3 posts in a row about having to masturbate before you go to work.  as a college student i wonder...  i never really masturbate before i go to class in the morning... does this change occur with the attainment of a full-time job?  
  The conversation circulated around handcuffs as a sextoy.  Toy handcuffs on the table which had sparked the conversation.  Thanksgiving 2001 with my family.  
  I have a hobby. It is called 'shit-slip'. All you need is a pile of slippery dog (or being lowbrow...your own...) shit and a busy intersection. You place it somewhere inconspicous and wait across the street for someone to come and slip on it. When my friends got involved we started making bets, like do they fall or just slip? Anyway most people see it and avoid it but some people, usually assholes, slip on it. For example: Last week I placed my fresh shit of dog on a busy sidewalk and crossed the street, sat down at a bench and waited with my camcorder (oh yes I am planning on making a movie! bwah hah!) and here comes the first victim: some dude who looks like he listens to way too much jazz...YES! his shiny shoe slips into it and he does the splits almost, quickly regains himself and heads to wipe his shoe on the grass, next victims, two business men, they see the now huge mass of shit and avoid it. Next a woman with a stroller just rolls right over it, her tennis shoes picking up quite a lot along with the stroller wheels WHAT A FUCKING MESS! I smirk as I think of her cleaning it up, yah bitch that it what you get for bringing your ugly spawn into this world. Cruel you think? No, this woman was an alcoholic looking, bleached blonde with four inches of dark brown roots, frosty pink lipsticked wearing freak. So many more stories...so little time. Any suggestions for my movie?  
  I roll us over for the last few dozen thrusts. That's so when I pull out and cum, it gets on you, not me. Always thinking, I am.  
  I was running my hands over my girlfriend's body after we had intense, passionate sex and felt something roll under my hands between her legs.  I checked my hand and found blood on it.  Surprised and confused, we both went to check on things and found a miscarried embroyo on the sheets.  We buried it in the back yard with a gardening shovel.    
  Someone here wrote about how thier wife was great because she rated how good his fart sounded....I would agree that's a pretty good indicator of a good mate.  Last night MY wife got some really good burp reverb in the shower.....an even better indicator.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm assuming it's wrong to recieve a blowjob from your best friend's recent ex-gf in the back of his car... I bet it's even more wrong that he was driving at the time.  The look on his face could have started a plague.  
  so said he to me was it worth all the bullshitmindgameheartstompingtwoyearoldneedykiddiecrap just to learn how to smooch and satisfy a woman and yourself to wit i replied maybe not but it beats sitting around here with you listening to yet another peanutbutterdogblowjob story chin on the bar he conceded       
  so she just walks by in a hurry and a shitload of quarters fall out of her pocket. She doesnt even bother to pick them up, and keeps walking.  So I thought, "hey, there goes a waste of some extra change.."    So without thinking twice, I rushed down to the floor... and started picking up quarters 1 by 1. When all of a sudden, someone taps me on the shoulder... I look up, and sure enough, its the woman.  so she says to me "hey, sorry bout that, but im gonna need my change back.."   so then I said "oh.... catch me if you can!" and ran.  
  Whem my wife(then girlfriend) first moved in with me, we were still in the fucking like rabbits stage.  That and she was on the pill now, so we didn't have to worry about condoms.  I woke up the one morning, and went in the bathroom to shave before class.  Just using a washcloth to get the shaving cream off of one's face isn't very taxing on the washcloth, so I'd use it for 2 or 3 days, just rinsing it out in hot water, and hanging it off the edge of the sink.    So I'm doing the shaving thing, and then I go to wipe my face off with the washcloth.  I put some hot water on it, wipe my face off quickly, and my stomach turns.  She'd used my washcloth to clean herself up after sex, and put it back where it was.  Nothing like washing your face with 12 hour old pussy and jizz.  To this day, washcloths come out of the cupboard in the bathroom immediatly before I use them, and they never occupy the sink.    
  ok you ready he yells at her getting the attention of the entire sunday crowd at greenstreetgrill some fucking people actually mean it when they say lets just be friends they actually fucking mean it you heartless creepy self absorbed cold bitch hawked a rather stringy loogey on her pantsleg and wandered outside with his head held high wasnt a guy in the bar that had anything but a fuckyoubitch face on cept my friend pete who went directly to pick her up        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My own personal great mystery of life:  Why is it you go weeks without biting your tongue, and then do it 7 times over the course of 2 hours? Temporary Tard Syndrome.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My ego is definately the largest thing I own.  Much bigger than my car.  Or the house.  I once told my coworkers, upon being questioned of some conflicting data, "If the airline, or the trucker, or the origin station ever give you information contradictory to what I'm telling you, I'm right."   Well, I am right, after all.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My hick-a-billy roomate in college once told me about fucking sheep. He said their pussies were like vacumes and just sucked your dick in and were tighter than any woman's.  He also told me he had fucked a chicken.  I'll tell 'ya what he had a damn fine looking girlfirend but I kept my my eye on his ass when we were alone.  
  sometimes my roommate's a real dick and does stupid things. and he talks too much. i exact my revenge just knowing that when he opens his mouth in the morning to brush his teeth, the toothbrush he is using has been up my ass.  
  I went an an annoying, rich Catholic high school. Some new girl transferred in, and she asked one of my friends how to be popular there. I watched from across the table. He scratched his head, thought, and pronounced, "Wear a bow and sleep with the soccer team." She took his advice. It worked. ~puck~  
  okay, i could understand the hat to bed, the five layers of clothes, the stiff joints in the morning, even the fact that i don't stop shaking until i've been in the warm shower for at least fifteen minutes.    but when i go to drink the water by my bed and none comes out due to the layer of ice,  then my landlord has gone too far!    that voodoo doll is getting a working tonight!        
  perhaps someone at microsoft thought it was funny to put the 'save picture as' selection one notch above 'set as wallpaper' choice on the drop down menu.   so instead of putting that picture of the two blonde lesbo's sharing that enormous double ended thing into some file for safe keeping, I put it up as my background for everyone to see while I was at lunch.  have a good day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i've always been amazed at the privacy people feel in their cars. picking one's nose is a most obvious result of this. and i thought that, without being outright lewd, one couldn't do much worse. then i saw a man driving while talking on his cell phone with one hand and picking his nose with the other.  i can only imagine he'd have been masturbating, too, if he'd had another arm. steering the car didn't seem to be a concern.  
  Several years ago...  One unusually muggy summer evening. Three cars of high school sophomores. Five cases of Henry Weinhard's private reserve. Not one idea for a place to drink.  We ended up parked next to the athletic field of the school we were so recently released from, and we considered our fate for the night.  The decision to break into the press box on top of the bleachers came as a sudden flash of inspiration.  More than a dozen people half-assedly snuck into a structure not built for crowds. We all began drinking with an excellent view of the field and surrounding roads and buildings.  Some hippies came later to play midnight softball in the field, unaware of our little party.  I located the microphone that was hooked up to the PA system for the whole field. A friend's guess that it might not even be powered at all was answered by a booming, thunderous cry of  "Oh! It's sooo big! Put it in my ass, big boy!!"   The hippies all stopped their game and started looking around, unsure of what the hell they just heard.  Wanting to remain discreet, we tried to stop the kid. That night though, He wanted nothing more than to hear his voice be amplified to near-godlike proportions, and fill the previously quiet neigborhood with obscene homosexual rhetoric.  The hippies left.  Each time, we forced him away. A minute or two would pass, and once again the silence outside our box would be slain by another onslaught of vulgarity.  Even a mild beating could not stop tears of laughter coming from the kid's eyes.  This repeated for about 30 minutes, at which point someone saw the flashing blue and red lights of impending DOOM coming up the street, rapidly approaching our location.    "COPS!!"    We were stoner lightning as we left, but our self preservation instincts did not take into account our precious, wino-purchased, alcoholic gold.  Almost four cases of beer, left for the cops.  We all reconvened at another spot, now broke, not drunk at all, and cursing our situation.  Not much blame had been laid, but we all knew, and when the kid who had been shouting rectal slogans went off to pee on a shrub, we piled into cars and left.  Later, a few of us ended up drinking of ancient grape Manischewitz found in a guy's trunk, and smoking a bowl of "BC nugs" that resembled dryer lint and tasted same.  Ugh.  Eventful and good are not necessarily synonymous.           
  you would think that after being given the chance to wipe my slate clean of any sort of illegal activity I would be more than willing to jump thru fuckin hoops 'o flame and such.  Well, all I need to do is not drink,  stop abusing illicit materials, and stay away from any sort of illegal activity for the next six months of my life and the slate is brand spanking new.  Now I'm not saying that's a lot to ask but what I am saying is that even someone as stoned as I am right now, knows that for someone in my environment, vice-free living is nothing more than an excercise in futility; and if you "brow" YOU ARE IN MY ENVIRONMENT.  
  I have large lips for a white guy.  I still have not been able to work my way thought a tube of chapstick in one winter season. The chapstick stockholders could double there money if they only filled those things halfway...  
  I play two women at pool.  Pleasant time. One of the women has an "interesting" mouth, that droops on one side.  Me: "What's the thing with your mouth?"  (The lowbrow moment? Not yet...)   She: "I was born paralyzed on one side of my face."  (The lowbrow moment? Not yet...)   Me: "Oh, that's cool! I love twisted mouths!"  She: "..."  Me: "...and cross-eyes and buck teeth I just have a soft spot for unique faces like in Europe where there isn't a single standard for beauty there are even people with unrepaired harelips and I went to school with a guy with a polio arm and..."   (There, finally -- the moment in all it's verbal diahhreal glory, though some people might think the fact that I was serious was the real moment)    
  Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.   
  so it was shortly after seeing lenny kravitz one nite, the girl i went with asked me if i was a vigin, i lied and said 'yes'.  im not sure why, other than lying is kind of fun, not to be deceitful or hurtful, but because its a game, its a race of wits.  whatever.  she told me that she has never slept with a virgin before and that she wanted to :: SCORE!!! ::  so needless to say i fucked the shit out of her later that nite.  =>B   
  One time my ex boyfriend was bidding on Ebay for this autographed drum stick.  He really wanted it so he put a maximum bid on it of $500.  The auction was just about over and the drumstick was going to go for $26.00.  So at the last minute I put a bid in of $499.00.  He ended up paying $500 + $5.00 s/h.  To this day he has no idea that I was the one that cost him so much money.  He's so ignorant though, actually brags to people about how his stupid Peter Criss autographed drumstick is worth $500.  Bet the guy who put it up for auction loves me though.  
  My boyfriend and I were having wild sex tonight when he managed to throw me across the nighstand and into my closet.  What really sucks is that I landed into a pile of shoes and my brother's old soccer cleets (I have no idea why I keep them in there).  My back hurts.  
  There's this problem with splashback from urinals.  So I read somewhere that to avoid spashback, you should piss so your stream hits the urinal surface at an oblique angle.    I go to try this, and I find out that the inside of damn near every urinal is curved so that no matter how you piss, it always hits at a perfectly perpendicular, 90-degree angle, guaranteeing a splash of piss on the backs of your hands.  I guess that if my career was in Urinal Engineering, I'd get back at humanity too.    
  "I never get seasick," the elderly British woman said gleefully to me in the passengers' lounge, "but my son can't sail at all. He's taken two Dramamine already!" Half an hour later, on the hovercraft in the middle of the Channel, she was puking her guts out while he slept.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Librarians dont like it when you put a squirrel in the book deposit over night so it's really pissed off when they check the bins...  --Dj  
  she took me out to dinner; it was my birthday.  a gorgeous woman, absolute knock out, and my best friend in the entire world.  eating at this little mexican restaraunt called Tia Juana, where there is damn near a waiter and a busser for each table, so they're on you like hawks.  in a friendly way.  both waiter and busboy are ogling her. bill comes, set in front of me.  she snatches it and whips out her visa, to the waiter's surprise.  not a minute later, here comes a lady selling roses.  "a rose for the senorita?" she asks, as my fem friend immediately snatches one.  rose lady gives her a look that read "what a fucking bitch! she didnt' wait for him to buy it, she just took it!"  ms gorgeous then pulls out money and asks "how much for the rose?" paying, and handing it to me.  waiter and busboy's jaws damn near hit the floor.  they excitedly exclaimed to me "see you later my friend!" when i left the restaraunt.  "what the hell does this guy DO to get a girl like that to pay for him and buy him flowers?!" was written all across their horny faces.  "probly figured you had an 18inch dick" was my dad's response, when i relayed him the story over the phone the next day.  god bless truckers.  
  I've never been to a McDonalds that hasn't pissed me off.  There have been times I went over 2 years without eating that shit just because they piss me off so bad.  I have driven back through the drive-thru and thrown all the food back through the little fucking window.  I have thrown food on the manager's shoes because they took 15 fucking minutes to get my food.  Fuck Ronald and all his minions.....  Damn, those 99 cent burgers are good though.  
  i was staying in a 5 star hotel my dads friend owns so we get to stay there for free when there is a spare room. i am playing strip poker with 2 hot girls my age , and one a few years older who is nothing special. sounds like fun?  it wasent. they were the best poker players i have ever met. i was in my boxers and nothing else and they were practicly fully clothed. "well as long as i dont get a hard on". i think  no such luck for me. they just point and laugh.  that really hurt my macho pride. i was impetent for like a month after that.  
  i've had an ongoing summer cold/sinus infection, and i have been blowing thick green snot out of my nose for about a month.   i'm not very good at buying tissues (i always think of them as something you simply "have," not something you go out and buy) and i usually swipe a handful of napkins from the coffee shop in the morning to get me through the day.   only i keep running out halfway through the day, and haven't fallen into the rather unfortunate habit of reaching into the garbage can to pull out a used tissue whenever i need to blow my nose, and using whatever little spot isn't already crusted together.  i have been caught by at least two of my co-workers with my hand in the cookie jar.   
  My Mormon missionary friend Ira brings a 14 year-old kid named Diesel over to meet me. We sit in my disassembled motorhome, and he has a great time. I download some of his favourite music for him, Korn, Rob Zombie. I can't stand listening to it, so I burn him some CDs. Sitting on a wobbly, half-rebuilt dinette bench, he declares this the greatest time he's ever had. Jesus, his life can't be much fun. He declares he wants to stay over. Me: "There's no place to sleep, and I'm not into boyflesh. He: "I could just curl up on the floor." Me: "Naah -- your mom would get worried." He: "I don't live with her, the fucker." Me: "Oh, don't like your mom? What did she do to you?" I rub my hands and chuckle, ready to play can-you-top-this with bad mom stories. He: "She sold me, for coke." I stare at him, silently. So much for that competition. He goes on: "Her friends would always find me and buy me back, but after the fifth time, they just took me away from her." On the surface, he looks like just a regular kid. I glance, wide-eyed, over at Ira. He's mentoring the kid, along with a bunch of others. He just stares back at me like Buddah. I say: "Ira, I like this guy! How about you bring him over regularly?" Ira smiles and nods. Damn Mormon smart-aleck. I'm no match for him...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Then my dad asked me how much a dime bag was thease days. Promptaly after he asked this he reminded me that drugs are bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         3 years ago, Naha inl't airport, okinawa i and several others are lined up at the urinals in the mens room doing what get's done their.  In walks an elderly cleaning woman, who procedes to empty the trash cans, re-fill the papertowel dispenser, etc.  hmm, i think to myself.  *that* is culture shock.        
  whilst making myself a peanut butter and honey sandwich ( they're good) my eye got itchy and, me being absorbed in making my sandwich, scratched the itchy eye with a finger that unbeknownst to me had peanutbutter on it.  nothin is worse than that.....  except that whilie holding my sandwich and typing this, a big glob of honey just fell right between the alt and spacebar key.  shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fuck the file navigation system in OSX.  And the print center too.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I play a game with lowbrow.com. When I access the site, I reload until I see one of mine. Then, I sign off - I go to work, go to bed, do the laundry, etc. Fun.  Don't go away T-Jay. Stay around if you can. The site gives me many laughs when I'm down and I know I'm not the only one.  
  I woke up one Saturday morning to the feeling of needing to piss verrrryyyy badly. After getting to my bathroom that I share with three other people, I yanked my dick out and preceeded to let loose. Have you ever had one of those morning pisses where you piss seems to go everyone except the toliet? Yeah, it was one of those. Unfortunatly, My roommate had a large box of que-tips on the bathroom floor that were open.. I guess he couldn't fit them on the shelf or the medicine cabinet. In any event, I find it amusing that he's now cleaning his ears with my piss.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The crazy old lady with a million smelly cats roaming around her house---I had another dream about screwing her last night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Theres a middle eastern saing that goes something like this:  To get the job done, do a woman. For pleasure, a young boy. For ecstasy, a fresh melon.  Im gonna buy me a cantalope.  I'll post about it later.  
  The coco always starts off the same.  Its hot and sweet and just downright tasty.  Give it 30 minutes and chocolate powder separates from the water.  By the time you get to the last 3 drinks, there is a nice sludge at the bottom of the cup.  Why don't they just sell the sludge?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         jeff shit in a pizza box then he put it in the elevator and sent it down to the first floor i laughed my ass off  
  The so called "handicap" stall in public bathrooms (the one that is about 3 times the size of a normal stall) is just a fat man's stall in disguise.  This being said, I feel the "handicap" stall is very awesome.  
   I woke, drunk and pissed off.  His girlfriend was dry humping me as I was passed out and the sloshing of my stomach's contents was making me want to hurl.  I needed to chunk, but what, puke on my own stuff?  I really wanted to punch her.  Not so much for the explaining of why she was moaning like a wounded moose but because I couldn't expel the demon that clawed my innerds.  Bitch. She wasn't good looking, which didn't bother me, but my friend really respected her...      
  today I told my girlfriend that my computer comes before she does (deal is, I've been playing computer games every day of my life... about 5 hours a day... since I was 2 years old... I'm 18 now)... and I date ALOT of girls, have more fun losing girlfriends to my computer than actually keeping them around :)  as soon as she told me "I understand... and don't have a problem with that"... she began to mean more to me than my computer  funny how thing work eh?  
  The sheltered yuppie scumbag bitch takes the pizzas from my hands.  "Just a second!"  Her two Huskies bark and push at her heels. She shuts the door. She couldn't have put them up in the forty minutes she had before I got there. Everyone knows dogs NEVER go apeshit when there's a knock at the door. And even if they do, saying "STOP IT!" once will certainly placate them. This is the first thing they teach you in yuppie scumbag bitch school.  "Hold on," she says, "I need to write the check. How much was it?"  "16.41", I answer, "and take your time, it's not like it's the ass end of August in Texas and really fucking hot out here, and it's not like we just had a 3-day thunderstorm and the mosquitoes are eating me alive. And it's not like you had FORTY MINUTES to figure this check thing out all by yourself."  She only hears "16.41."  "PIZZA!" shriek 2 to 5 kids from inside. I want them to fall down hard and cry, because that's all kids ever, ever, ever say.  The door opens.  "Here you go." The check is written out for 17.00. "Sorry the tip's not bigger, but we're poor." She thinks it's funny. I don't.  "Not too poor that you can't afford to order pizza," I tell her. She hears it. The polite smile leaves her face.  "You know, tipping is optional."  "So was not going to the bathroom, not getting a coke, and not talking to my co-workers before I brought you your pizzas. When I checked to see that I had remembered the ranch in your buffalo wings and the extra packets of parmesan cheese, that was optional, too. I guess next time I'll know better."  Her eyes meet my shoes. They don't look up. She produces 2 dollars from inside her jeans. I'm too poor to carry loose bills in my jeans. I'm also too poor to live in a two-story suburban house with 2-5 kids and purebred Huskies.  "Here."  "Thank you." I smile my most winning smile. "Have a nice-"  But the door is already shut.   The dogs are barking. The kids are screaming. She's probably still looking at the ground. I've got a huge grin on my face.   Let's hear it for the little victories.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was like 4am in NYC and we were on the subway. I was eating an Egg Sandwich and this old bag lady is staring at me and finally asks if she can have some? I say "No!"  She says "That is cold!" To which I reply, "Life sucks somedays!"  She continues to stare at me while I finish the sandwich.   "Give a person an egg sandwich and you feed them for the morning, teach them to take responsibility for their life and you have a Republican."    
  Do vegans breastfeed their babies?  
  the scratching sound of the sand on the sidewalk under foot made him freak he ran grabbing his ears its like fingernails on a blackboard        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was driving once, and i saw this beat up old Honda coverd in those"What Would Jesus Do" stickers...  What would Jesus do? Probably tell that guy to get rid of those rediculous fucking stickers, for starters....        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I got a fortune cookie that read "Friends long absent are coming back to you"....that's what I'm afraid of...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Picking mushrooms out in the middle of a cow field, and the farmer shows up out of nowhere.  "What're y'all doing?"  Uh, nothing sir, looking for my dog.  "Get the fuck outta here, and leave the mushrooms."      
  At a roadhouse in Ozona, Texas the waitress asked if I wanted jalepenos with my order, except in Ozona, Texas they don't pronounce it like they do everywhere else.  Swear to god my mouth dropped open for a full minute after I thought I just got asked if I would like some "Jolly Penis"...    
    Sitting in the Time to Fight Diner, with Timmy. Told him "Everyones a lesbian when their drunk". Now I'll never live that down. Its on the list.        
  Sometimes I wonder if I've ever been directly or indirectly responsible for another human's death over the course of my life.  "Probably" I say to myself.  
  After deploying an enterprise system I've architected, I keep perspective by letting the words of the wise man ring in my head: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."  
  I swore to myself that this would never happen again. But here I was in the restroom. On my knees with the door shut and locked. He watched my every move. The liquid warmth filled my mouth. I gagged and choked. When am i going to learn that my ulcer and her fucking jalipeno caserol don't mix?!? And that damn cat of hers just sitting there wathing me blow chunks and waiting for any bit of spillover to get a warm snack.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do you remember the commercial where they were selling answering machine greetings set to classical music? I do. And to this day every time I hear Beethoven's 5th all I can think of is no-bod-y's hooooome, no-bod-y's hooooome...  I fuckin' hate those bastards for brainwashing me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Andy and I are sitting in McDonalds one night, and in walk a bunch of "teen youth groupers"  I turn to Andy and loudly enough, say:  Me:"Hey Andy, know whats better then jesus?"  Andy:"What?"  Me:"Pagans and Paganism"  Andy:"And the devil"  i think they heard us.  
  my idea of a vegetarian lunch: double cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, ketchup and mustard. no bacon. the cow was a vegtarian, thats healthy enough for me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          A True Story: I hear, "Lisa, come on now, you don't need to wear three pairs of pants and four shirts. Take all that extra stuff off and let's get on with the day" as he walked out of the bathroom. He walks out and tells me she's done it again and he'll get her out in a minute, she's ready to deal. He opens the door and suddenly Lisa, in her best Fosberry Flop leaps, almost naked over the stall wall and into the next stall. He opens the second stall and there is Lisa perched on the toilet, in her panties. "Oh no, you don't have to" says Lias over and over again. He says, calmly "Come on Lees, you're almost done..." He turns leaving the bathroom and says "She's finally listening to someone! She came in, put her lunch away, hung up her coat, everything, just cos I asked!" Whilst he was patting himself on the back a white object flew from the stall. it was a bloody pad that landed, adhesive side stuck to his shoulder, bloodyside up. "Fr, frr, you gotta..." I stammer. He turns his head, looks at his shoulder and shrieks like a little girl.  truth, 1988, Lon Gisland NY       
  My friend Scott convinced me to go out and drink one night when I really didn't feel like it.  Now, I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking and I'll be the first to admit that, so after about 4 nasty ass tequila and cherry liqour shots, 4 or so beers, and an Irish Car Bomb I was pretty housed.  Somehow I stumble home and end up calling a girl that I really liked who was at a party a few blocks away.    Her, "Hey, what's up?  You should come over and hang out with us!"  What I wanted to say, "I'm really not feeling well, I was hoping you'd come over and hang out with me until I feel better."  What I really said, "Fuck that shit, I'm gonna go puke and pass out!"  Her, "Are you ok?"  Me, "Fuck no, I'm gonna puke."  Her, "You should come over when you're done."  Me, "Fuck no, I'm gonna pass out."  Her, "Uhh, so why'd you call then?"  Me, "Umm, I gotta go."  Then I puked and passed out alone in my bed.  Even when I'm drunk I still can't talk to girls.  
  So a health food nut is yelling at me for eating a steak taco.   "Food wasn't meant to be processed, it isn't naturally, and it isn't right," he said... ...while eating a health food ice cream substitute called "Rice Dream" that costs $4 a pint. I'm sure Mother Nature scoops that shit out for all of her loyal followers, straight from the "Rice Dream Tree."   
  The picture of impotent rage: One Halloween several years ago in the fair metropolis of Portland, Oregon, I was walking with some friends and was fortunate enough to witness a belligerent  drunk being hauled out of a bar by his friend and a bouncer. As he was released from the grip of the bouncer but still being hauled off by his friend, he turned to the bouncer and, in a fit of rage and helplessness, shouted the words that have haunted me to this very day:  Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I can t fuck you enough!   I can t  fuck you  enough, indeed.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yay aytch lich ... trurtreen oven prerkrershetch... naw lich luleven ... naw  wush  thrurteen..." --" Thirteen  fucking percosets?!?! Dude the most I ever ate was like six. Holy shit." "Aywhirr schmall." --"What, like 5's?" "Mm mm mm... mebee..."  
  The only TV show I watch is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  It would be so much easier to spend my days killing demon things than going to school.    Speaking of school, why the hell am I in college?  I am the best cook I know.  I put my own mother to shame when I try.  $10 says you don't really 100% know what mango chutney goes good on.  I do.    I think I need to be Emeril the Vampire Slayer.  Sorry, mom and Dad.  
  Overheard at work:  Anelisse sounding incredibly desperate: "Guys, I'm so fat. I really need to lose some weight."  Lori responding with the utmost sympathy and concern: "Honey, my titties weigh more than you."  I love my job.  
  Lowbrow moment ended with: "...will bite you in the ass everytime"  Next Lowbrow moment started with: "what bites my ass..."  neat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I wonder why the songs with the most curse words are always chosen as singles...  ...and then censored so heavily you can't even begin to understand what the song's about in the first place.        
  Was thinking about it last night and lowbrow is like a poorly lit, smoke-filled bar somewhere in a random city. In this bar, everyone just sits around drinking and making small talk. But on the stage in the corner, there is one bright circle of light from an unseen spotlight where people walk up, have their moment, and walk away without saying anything else. I really need to find this bar.  
  What if you're the "early bird", and the proverbial worm you got was the dead one at the bottom of the Sauza bottle?!?   
  a female friend of mines told me that she was gay interrested in me and asked me if she could eat me out, i said no because i thought she was playing,i might have done any other time.    
  I wore a tuxedo once, and sure enough, I looked just as ridiculous as every other person who has ever worn a tuxedo.      
  when i was a teenager i always used to wonder why:   a. moms always bought their sons packs of socks. b. the sons always seemed to say "thank you" with a touch of guilt.  then i realized that those socks were later used to jerk off into.     now i understand.  but does mom?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like White Zombie music, but when you first hear the vocals, it sounds like   "yeahhh i am the ripper man a looking wookie mind its american style, I am them ex's son, a wan mole's life fucker i ain't done, yeah, more human than human,  more human than human"   Rutger Hauer kicked ass in that movie.  
  THE most low brow of all the low brows in my 20 years living in this world....september 11th....11:30 a.m....the campus of my college in the suburbs of philadelphia...i walk outside my hall in a daze..i'm a new yorker and at this point i feel like a zombie..i look over to see a large group of kids playing volley ball...is it just me or is that the most disrespectful thing you've ever heard? i can only imagine how that game got started....  bastard kids.."so the whole world is fucked to shit and thousands of people are dead....who's up for some volleyball?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm walking with some friends in my hometown where 21 Jumpstreet was filmed.  "Hey look!  It's Johnny Depp!" someone says.  I turn to look.  And take a parking meter in the gut.  I'm completely winded.  Johnny Depp laughs at me.  Fuck you Johnny Depp.  
  After staying awake for three days thanks to the help of pharmaceutical amphetamines I decided to celebrate finishing the term by getting shitty drunk.   Upon returning home with a friend of mine I got up from the couch to go to the bathroom.    Thirty minutes later my friend checked to see if I was ok.  Instead he found me passed out on the kitchen floor with my left shoe off.   The next day I found my shoe in the bathroom on a shelf by some towels and no recollection of how it got there.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I am at this hole in the wall bar the other night (Maxine's in Fayetteville, AR - if any of you've ever been there you know already that it was a pretty lowbrow night)   Anyway they've got one of those one-lane bowling things up against the wall. So I'm sitting there with my buddy J and all I can think about is diving down that lane and knocking the pins over with my head.   Finally J tells me he'll buy me a beer if I get a strike. That seals the deal. I drop my stuff on the table and take off running, diving headlong down the lane.   I raise my head at the very end of the slide to make sure I knock down ALL the pins.  My head connects with the  glass barrier above the pins and consequently slams me chin first into the lane itself. I split my chin open and gave myself a minor concussion.  "J, can I get a Guiness?"    
  i went to walgreens today. i bought a box of nicotine patches and a pack of winstons.   i guess i want to go with a bang.  
  So another Thursday ladies night at Croxley's in Franklyn Square, NY.  I look passively from time to time at this very attractive woman across the way.  She looks at me.  I look at her.  She looks at me.  I sipped my ale.  Why must I make the first move because society deem it the man's job to go up to the girl and make first contact?  So I sipped my ale.  She looks at me.  I look at her.  She looks at me.  I went home alone that night.  
  On a day trip to Wales, my (American) fiancee and I look down from the top of some cliffs, and see a famous, much-photographed lighthouse perched on the rocks below.  I've seen many photos of it, but all from the same angle - from the top of the cliffs, so I borrow her Nikon and climb down to get a new angle.  A third of the way down, I find that the only way to continue is to cross a steep scree (gravel-covered) slope that ends with a 300-foot drop onto the rocks below.  I undo my belt, run it securely through the Nikon's case, and fasten it again.  Then I start across.  Mistake.  The scree starts slipping like an avalanche, and I'm scrabbling for my life.   At one point, I look down between my legs to see how far away the edge is, and I see the Nikon tumbling away.  If I reach down, I might be able to grab it, but I am  far  too busy to care.  Shortly after that, the scree runs out, leaving a firm rock surface to grip on. I eventually climb back up the way I came.  Back to the top, pure white and shaking, the first thing my fiancee says is:  "You lost my Nikon, didn't you?"  Surely that should have been enough of a warning, no?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There was a woman who came into my work today.  She was wearing a shirt that said "Cooters autobody" But that's not the funnyest part. The caption read "Here's Crazy Cooter Comin' At Ya!"  
  I used to work the night shift, when there were inly three of us in the office, with no boss and no receptionist. There was the main phone number of the company that was on all the business cards and such, but if that line was busy any other calls would be forwarded to one of the other 7 phone lines. Nobody actually knew what these other 7 phone numbers were, so if line 4 started ringing when none of the 3 of us were on the phone, we knew it was a wrong number. And man, did we race each other to be the one to pick up those calls to hassle the shit out of the person on the unsuspecting person on the other end of the line. My personal favorite Me: Hello? Old lady sounding voice on the phone: Is Tina there? Me: (trying to play it straight)Actually she's kinda busy sucking my cock right now. Old lady: Can you have her call Betty when she's done? Me: (ready to bust out laughing) Sure thing! Old lady: Thanks, bye I don't know who got the better of who in that one. It was no fun after that.  
  going home for Easter, down Hastings to catch the bus for the long hump home. Wildeyed freaky guys says he needs a push to get his car started, Then he says we need to take a cab there because his leg is fucked, then in the cab he tells me he needs 20 bucks to get it out of the tow place, then as he slows the cab down he says he needs to use the twenty bucks to get non-duty paid cigarettes to flip so he can cover the full cost of the towing place.  He tries conferring with the guy on the street corner, and then runs back to the cab exclaiming "gimme your silver man " and then after I refuse gets all flusterered and exclaims that 'the deals all blown' . Of course now the cabbie wants his money, which neither of us have anymore. The cabbie's got a tire iron out and hes calling the police, and out of the blue this huge tattooed guy gets out of a Blazer. It's an undercover cop whos been watching the whole ordeal of this guy trying to buy rock. I don't know if I just have an honest face, but he sends the crackhead off, and lets me go my way. Oh yeah, at the end, the freak tosses his adidas jacket at the cabbie for pay, you know, the one with the 'mountain' logo ? And the driver was persian, and so I call this my 'Mountain comes to Mohhamed story".   
  i have very long reddish hair, like 3 and a half feet long from root to tip, or so. when i brush it even if just a little comes out, it seems like much more. i've taken to dropping off these clumps of hair in the hallway outside my room.  atleast that gets swept every day. and that way i can minimize the unpleasantness of finding long hair in uncomfortable places.  
  i was smoking in the dark for two minutes before i realized i was smoking the filter.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i once went down the stairs in a bluebox. i ended up very hurt. don't try it.       
  I'm at a friend's house with a girl I had just broken up with a few days before. We absent-mindedly start sort of stroking eachother's arms sweetly and whatnot and then before I know it we're kissing. Just then, the guy whose house it was and his girlfriend walk in.  Guy: Did you guys get back together?!? My Ex: No! Guy's Girlfriend: Then why are your nipples hard?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         another college roomate story- same evil bitch, same fucking headache.   so she went out one day, and my boy-toy from a few floors down was over.  we were jerking around like a couple of pre-school kids, chasing eachother with cleaning appliances and such.  he got this wise idea to go in her panty drawer.   to my horror, he held up a pair of green-crotched, stank-ass, dirty undies. upon further investigation, all of them were in such condition.   under the pretense of 'not wanting this stuff in my house' and not just admitting to being a revenge-craving bitch myself, we strung them all on fishing line, and hung them from my 9th story balcony.   funny. she never asked me to pick up her laundry for her again.  
  While in college in Asheville, NC, I somehow got suckered into making banners for some event. I of course waited until the last possible moment to start and wound up at the 24hr Wal-Mart at 3am with my buddy Bobby, buying paint. All I have to say is that at 3am, the freaks come down out of the hills. Deliverence has nothing on these inbred abominations of nature. There was a guy with 2 teeth, the remaining 20% of his hair in a monks-ring mullet and was all of 4 feet tall. Walked like a damn chimpanzee. Scared the shit out of me. The worst part was his mate. I can't even describe the ugliness that radiated out from her. The pair of them walked around the store, staring at every product like it was a miracle, thier basket loaded with junk food and soda, talking in some kind of creepy, backwoods mumbo-jumbo-slang-alien-crap. The thought of thier breeding sickens me to this day.   
  The key to cleaning up human excrement is to pretend it's dog shit.  Theoretically, at least, there's nothing more disgusting about human feces than canine.  
  Was discussing with a fashion friend about life and asked "Why is alway evilness dressed in black?" and he replied "Because Evil is aways fashion-consious"  
   It wasn't until after the crusty smoke on the windows began to glow that he realized he didn't know where he was.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  It was the best moment of my life unto that point.  The punk rebel and the football team's star running back, in an after-school slug-out.  Words were exchanged.  Profanities uttered.  Bodies charging--  --and bitch-slaps incurred by the dozens.  I left thereafter, laughing.  They never got over that humiliation.  
  In junior high school we stole Hustler magazines and steaks from the local supermarket by putting them in our pants.  A cheap way to satisfy primal urges. After school snacks were never more delicious.    
  I just tried to submit this... but I think I pressed a button that killed it.  Oopsies.  Anway.  I'm sitting here.. in the library before school.. using this lovely computer.  Midterms start today, officially anyway... and the principal just made the announcement "Do not be late to your first period.  If you're late to your first period class, an administrator will escort you to the holding area."  We have a "holding area"?  I can't decide if he's talking to us like we're prisoners or cattle...  Moooooo...  
  I admit I took the corner to fast, almost sideswiped a cop, and slid sideways into the hotel parking lot.  Brian and Billy were crawling out the passengerside windows and Crystal rolled over to the drivers side. I still think my putting the rental car on two wheels was a fabrication but the group revoked my driving privledges regardless.  
  i always picture cheerleader@yercrotch with a she-mullet. for her sake, i hope i'm wrong  
  running through the houston airport, i had to take the biggest diarrhea.  i see the bathroom and i hurredly enter.  clenching my cheeks together, i slam open the stall door.  i deliver QUITE loudly.  this goes on for what seems like an eternity.  i was a little embarrassed because there were quite a few people in there to hear it.  that's when i look down and notice the tampon recepticle.  they don't have those in the men's restroom...  
  I have timed my visit back home so as to miss (at last count) three baby showers, a birthday picnic for a coworker I despise, a wedding between two extreme fuglies, a doomed-from-the-start Tupperware party, and two neighbors who need babysitting services during that time.  I don't know if I'm clever, lucky, or cheating myself of many opportunities to revel in the lowbrow-ness of others.   
  In Mass Media class today, we were discussing the three types of mass media audiences.  They are "Highbrow", "Middlebrow"...and you guessed it, "Lowbrow".  Apparently, (according to my professor) the highbrow class of people are more inclined to watch PBS, while the middlebrow people are apparently watching HBO.    The Lowbrow group are watching wrestling and porn... I wonder if my professor knows about this site.  
  They are dismantling Irish pubs and shipping them to the U.S. Yeah, that's cool. Now we don't have to wait until St. Patrick's Day to pretend we are Irish. If I go in, I will see wall to wall white anglo-saxon protestant ex-jock telemarketing bankers singing Danny Boy and drinking Guinness.    
  I woke up this morning at 2 P.M.  I went to the fridge, and slapped a few slices of salami onto an English muffin.  Hello, breakfast. Ah, the bachelor's life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So in sixth grade, if you'll recall, everyone was kinda embarrassed about their bodies.  So this kid goes up to the board in my class to do a math problem, and when he turns around he has this huge pup-tent of a boner.  The class starts laughing at him, leading him to look down, realize what is happening, then point at his crotch with both hands and proclaim, "YEEEAAAAHHHH!"  ...and, yeah, that's the only way to handle that situation.  
  In regards to the moment speaking of "'taint"- My friends always referred to this area between your balls and your anus as the "nacho". It's nacho ass and its nacho balls.  
  If the moon were made of cheese, all astronauts would be tested for lactose tolerance.        
  if yer gonna sell weed, you gotta do it right.  DO NOT store said herbage in your sock drawer where you also spray old spice on your socks cuz your feet stink cuz the weed then smells and tastes like old spice.   an ounze of this circulated campus for a week, couldnt give it away. ever have to throw herb away? just think about it. herb that smells and tastes so bad and is so useless and no one else will smoke it so it has to go in the trash. still blows my mind.     
  We were running around doing abselutely nothing as i prepared to go to the toilet to attend to nature (line 2) suddenly she started running at me at a distance and prepared to jump on me.  "catch me" she yells.  as her body lands on mine the most unexpected sound escapes through my ass cheeks.  she didnt come near me for the next 2 hours.  
  My friend Todd is a little off.  He likes girls that look pre-pubescent.  He likes to film himself shitting and pissing.  He likes to scream out "fuck" all the time.  He likes hurt himself just for the hell of it.  He drives a big black tahoe, with black rims, a black font bumper, black tail lights, and dark window tint.  He has tried to start a fight with every single one of his friends.  I kind of feel bad for him.  You have to wonder what's going on inside the mind of a guy who was a dopted by a psychiatrist.  
  When I was sixteen my dad walked into my room without knocking when I was busy giving my boyfriend a blowjob. Our father-daughterrelationship hasn't been the same since.   
  Only two weeks into the new college semester and my roomate already caught me masturbating....I guess it was inevitable doing it 3 times a day.  
  "Today, I was compiling all the CDs I wish to sell. Among them was "I Love Sing-a-long Scottish Favorites." It's the most hurdy-gurdy piece of rubbish ever heard featuring one Booby Murray on accordion. Oops. It only gets better from there. One sing-a-long was an instrumental, another was "Massacre of Glencoe."   My mom's response: "What possessed me when I bought that for you?!" "   
  Why is it I have to search high and low for a clean drinking glass at my mom's house. Each one seems to have more dried food particles on it than the last. You can find the four major food groups stuck on a single cup. Hmm... is that broccoli?  Get a new dishwasher Ma, you cheap fuck.  
  I just had a revelation;  You don't just stumble across lowbrow. You are predisposed to it. It is your essence. If you wind up here, you are already part of the collective.  GOOD CHRIST, I AM LOWBROW!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i've always wanted a t-shirt with a picture of jesus on it, where underneath him it says "eat me".  
  I woke up this morning and decieded to pleasure myself.  G-d bless the yoga channel.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am staying at $600 a night hotel in Switzerland. It is very well appointed. They have all the latest technology in their rooms, most interesting of which is one of those toilets that washes and dries one's arse. I had heard about "TOTO", the Japanese company that makes them,  for some time and viewed them with curiousity. Even without actually using it the "extended butt-washing features", the toilet made a noise like a lawnmower when one sat down on it.  The second day, curiousity got the better of me. So after finishing my business,  while still sitting on the seat, I reach around and push what must be the bathroom equivalent of the "eject button". First a diferent timbre of noise, a brief silence, then water jets start assaulting my asshole. After a several seconds of rather bizarre and uncomfortable weirdness, I wonder whether its "washed everything" and so I shift my position slightly and next thing I know water is squirting all over my back nearly up to my neck. And the jets continue....."is it broken", I wonder? How long does it have to go before its clean? What if it doesn't stop?  It doesn't stop, so finally I stand up and sit back down. The jets cease but water is now on all over me and the floor. When my returns to the seat, the lawnmower or butt-dryer starts whirring. Given how wet my back and butt are, I reckon it will take 15 minutes to get fully dry. Fuck''em, say I, and so I take a hotel towel and dry myself. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe that there is a large future in this technology    
  Appartment on Telegraph(Oakland)  1st of many brows  So two of my friends and I (hey Nick & Erin) were drinking MGD 40's all day (not 21 at the time but the owners of the liquor store laved starring at Erin's tits) anyway about on about the fourth or fifth each we decide to start filling the empties with piss (much more of an acomplishment for her).  We ended up with 4 full 40's about the right color also...Ok so we leave them in the fridge over night.  The next day I put them in a paper bag from the liquor store and set them on the street corner (for those who don't know the area super ghetto)...  It took about a hour or two before we looked back and saw that they were gone, but I have always wondered if or how much they drank.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She was brilliant, and well educated, articulate, and   independent, but had a airport's worth of emotional baggage.  One night, right after we'd finished, she looked up at me and said "Next time, when you're about to cum, would you  just pull out and cum all over my face and tits?"  Which makes me miss her from time to time.   
  So I'm talking with a friend over IM.   She tells me how she's pregnant and really nauseous.   I remember she's a pack a day girl and ask her "Did you quit smoking?" thinking how miserable and twitchy that would make her.  Her response:  "Yes, dammit.  I even gave my bag of weed away today."  About a minute later she realizes I was asking about cigarettes.     
  Group Sex It's what I want for christmas  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lying in bed with my girlfriend.   She rolls over.   A mysterious sound reverberates up from beneath the covers.   Her: It's not what you think!  Whatever it was, it was a good one.  
  Here's one for the ages: why the fuck does boston have so many Dunkin Donuts?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)     ,/p>Teacher:  don't forget about writing your term paper.  I won't take any excuses unless you have a horrible personal illness, if there is a death in your immediate family, or if there is nuclear war.  Student:  what if i came in tomorrow and said i couldn't write it due to sexual exhaustion?  Teacher:  In that case, you'd have to write with your other hand.  
  cheerleader's got it all wrong about how you spite walmart.  first, you play a rousing game of "hide the meat."  turkeys are the best, and the best place to go is where you can find kid's bookbags.  but make sure you put a lot of little meats, like sausages, on shelves and corners where people aren't likely to find em for awhile.  then wait a few days.  your local walmart probably isn't as convenient, but where i'm from, there's a petco across the street.  10 bucks can buy you a LOT of those little white feeder rats.  enough to shut the place down for a week or so.  take that, rebel scum.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         christmas day, at my in-law's overcrowded house, i move my bowels in the more public of the two bathrooms.  unbeknownst to me, my wife and her two sisters are menstruating at the same time.  they have been flushing tampons down the aged toilet, 1.0 gpf ala california standards, at a rapid rate for days.  my innocuous movement is the poo that broke the camel's back.  my lowbrow moment is emerging from the bathroom to announce that i have clogged the toilet and need the toilet unclogging tools.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For self analysis, make a list of things that have been put into your ass.         
   ...later that day(?) i found myself in my own bed, which was reassuring. i however found my own bed in someone elses house which was quite distressing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         apparently my boyfriend and i are some kinda makeout fiends. we will pretty much makeout anywhere as long as there arent peoples around. we are not a sideshow for others amusment. some of the stranger places we've been have been his kitchen floor while his mom was sleeping in the next room, in some weird woodsy area, and the elevator and stairs of a local highschool that neither of us attend. the longest we have ever made out was 3 hours......THREE FREAKIN HOURS!  but otherwise anywhere will do. i was told that us two are like rabbits without the sex.    *shrugs* im sure there are TONS of people worse than us. im not even sure why im posting this here. i guess im proud of pulling off getting a wonderful boyfriend that i can also do this shit with. its somthing new for me. eh so sue me, im enjoying myself way to much. btw...im not a pussy like a great deal of people posting, i used a REAL email addy. OooOoO arent i special!! *cough* *cough*  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've come to the realization that I just randomly cavort around the 'net, moving from place to place from a favorites list.  I guess this makes sense, but then I realized, I go to a LOT of places right after reading the 'Brow, and those places almost certainly track referrer IDs.  So, most of the weblogs or university sites or official places I visit now have "lowbrow.com" in their lists, and it's just a matter of time until my name gets attached to it.  Which is also fine, until someone comes back over here and finds the one about the poo in the bed.  That's going to lose me a job someday.  
  When I throw the big bags of garbage in the enormous dumpsters at work, I always look to see if there is anything cool in there.  The Pro Shop throws out good stuff alot.  I get excited when I see empty bottles of Muriatic Acid.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         They started stocking the company fridge with free orange juice, but I still mostly drank coke or coffee.       
  LowBrow Words of Wisdom: (ahem)  "Foresight before Foreskin."  use it wisely.  
  In the seventies men wore platform shoes. Even elementary school kids such as myself. No, that's not the moment. We came home from church one Sunday, my sister, who had the flu and did not attend, was watching television in the den, wrapped in a loosely-woven bedspread-type thing. At some point, I suggested to her that it would be entertaining if she were to lie on her back and hold the knit thing stretched out above her and watch me drop one of my gargantuan shoes on it. In her weakened state, she was unable to stretch the bedspread tight enough, it provided absolutely zero resistance to the falling five pound shoe which promptly smashed her square in the mouth. Well, I never said that she would be the one that would find it entertaining...    
  We both know that she's actually planning to trip up my stud-muffin friend John and beat him to the mattress, so she and I are just purely flirting.  She arches her back and wiggles her stupendous breasts.  Me: "Stop that - that's not fair."  She smiles knowingly, but stops.  Me: "On second thoughts, don't stop."   
  Always reach for the stars...unless their security people stop you  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 19 the cool thing to do was to go into Canada and get loaded at strip clubs and bars.  SO one night we all pile into my car and head for the clubs.  We even planned for a DD.  End of the night comes and our DD is puking on the side of the curb.  So we take turns driving until we get a mile from the US/Canada border.  We flip a coin and I lose, so I'm behind the wheel, very drunk.  3 of my friends are sharing a garbage bag taking turns puking in it, front seat passenger is passed out.  We get to the border crossing and there's a 18-wheeler infront of me at the check point.  I've never been awake for the check point protocol.  So the arm goes up the truck pulls through and so do I.  Out of nowhere 1 Border Patrol SUV blocks me, 3 cops with guns drawn, with one of the guns inches from my skull.  They take us inside, search us (and a few of my buddies got the ass search), rip my car apart and 6 hours later we're on our way again.  I didn't go to Canada for nearly 6 years, but they let me back in.  
  Damnit... Wet nails and I gotta pee...  Now, my shorts will fall off all by themselves...  I have lost 15lbs in the last several weeks... But my underwear will not...    Fucker!    that'll learn me to wear undies  
  Okay. So these guys move in next door to me. They smoke, I smoke, we hang out.  One of them, the owner of the new place, is old. Not old old, 40's old (I'm 21 as I write this).  He's got kids, ranging in age from 8 to 17.  The 17 year old he has never called by any name but Shithead. So one night, we're sitting around, drinking beers, smoking, yadda yadda. The 17 year old had gone to bed about an hour before. Out of nowhere the guy breaks conversation to lean his head back and scream "SHIT HEAD!".  After a few trys the kid comes walking out of his room, in sweatpants, rubbing his eyes. Obviusly just woken up from a good sleep.  He walks in and asks his dad what he wants.  The guy looks to the fridge about 10 foot away and then back to the kid.  "Shithead. Beer me."  Kid does so and goes back to bed.  The guy picks up the conversation where he left off. Wow.  
  as i climbed the escalator towards another lonely lunch, i looked up and saw a homeless lady in front of me. she was barefoot and dirty. she smelled of the streets, of dumpsters that filled the back alleys, of insanity. i followed her as she walked uncaringly into the corporate dining hall.  i saw herdart towards a line that was filled with suits. i lost her as a group of yuppies passed me. maybe she finally got to feel like more than a bag lady.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  A friend of mine was telling me about an new co-worker.  He was going on and on about how he had to train him.  Then he says, "well, since I am the manager, I guess it is my job to SHOW HIM THE ROKES."    I was like, "what the fuck did you just say?"    He goes, "you know, show him the ROKES."   I asked him what the hell a roke was, and he goes "I don't know, it's just a saying."   I almost wet my pants.  He had no idea, in 28 years on this planet, that the saying was actually "show him the ropes."    
  I'll never forget the look on her face when she realized that it wasn't beer in the bottle.  She denies she drank piss to this day.  
  I work in a highly technical, stress-filled environment. As a result, we have taken to having nerf gun battles at strange times during the day, to relieve the tension of the last customer's request.   I recently went to a local toy store and bought a new weapon, one which would make me the NerfMaster of the office, or at least one of them. I got it to work, however, and there were no projectiles included in the package, even though there should have been.  I promptly returned it to said place of purchase, where the conversation went something like this:  ME: This gun didnt have any balls....can i simply exchange it for another?  SHE: It didnt have any what? (Sly grin)  ME: BALLS! it didn't have any!  SHE: Are you sure?  ME: Yes there were no balls in the package!  SHE: (Grinning) there weren't any?  ME: Nope!  She: well go get another and we'll exchange it.  ME: OK  (A few minutes later)  ME: Here it is, do I need to fill out any forms?  SHE: For what?  ME: I dunno, to exchange it...  SHE: No but you might want to open the package and make sure they are in there.  ME: Ok, they are here, so everythings ok?  She: You have them?  ME: The balls? Yes, they are all here  SHE: Well then have fun with your balls! (Another grin)  And I left.  It didnt occur to me until MUCH later that she was either flirting with me or laughing at me....   
  Sitting at a table by the window at Ruth's Kitchen on Harvard Street in Brookline (a little hole-in-the-wall place with some of the best comfort food on the planet) elbow deep in a plate of ribs.    A kid outside with his mother stops and points at me.  I retract my focus so I can see my sauce-covered face reflected on the inside of the window.    I smile at the kid, showing meat and sauce-speckled teeth and dig into another rib.  Thanks Ruth  
  Everything My Mother Told Me About Sex  - if you're going to give a blowjob, do it good - they like it when you rub their balls - when you're fucking, squeeze your vagina, it'll make them explode - your dad likes it when.. *SHUT THE FUCK UP MOM!*  I was 15 years old.  
  We're eating at the food court, and he drops a fry. "Tard!" I say to him, and point. "Tard!" he retorts, pointing.  "Tard!" "Tard!" "No, YOU'RE the tard!" "YOU'RE the big tard!" "Tard!" Then we noticed the table next to us is chock-full of Down's Syndrome kids, in various stages of drool control, staring at us. We stop, wondering how to make a graceful exit. Suddenly one looks at us and laughs. "TARD!" he yells, pointing. That sets the entire table off. They ALL start yelling TARD TARD TARD over and over, as their teacher or keeper comes running over.  We leave under cover of tarded hysteria.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was trying to arrange my jacket over the sixpack of beer that I had just lifted from the office fridge, while walking with a tupperware container of pasta.  I tried to smooth a ruffle with the pasta tub and it fell and vomited its contents onto the ground.  As I kneeled to examine the damage, a well dressed man walking by stopped to look at me, in a suit, kneeling by a six pack, scooping pasta off the floor into my container.  I hope he slipped on the pasta juice grease spot   
  English class 6th grade: I was so afraid of breaking the rules, so afraid to run to the bathroom without the teacher's permission (we couldnt go during class)even though i had to pee so bad, that i just sat there and pissed in my pants, getting the seat all wet. There was no rule saying i couldnt piss in my pants, was there Mrs. Powers?      
  need to be rid of a JW that will not leave you alone I have the perfect way They came to the house when I was doing a strip tease for my boyfriend when they came so I was down to a mini skirt and skimpy bra. I ansewerd the door wich was in the same room and they stared what did not help was they looked over my shoulder and saw my bf wacking off  they have never came around since  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Another Reason For Girls To Not Shave  Continuing my campaign against those awful shaved pussies, I offer the wisdom of ancient well-known folklore (I think I got it right :-)  "A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Dave and I sitting around getting stoned.  He's looking through some outdoor hunter magazine.  Dave:  Jesus listen to this - for a couple of thou you can go to South Dakota and shoot buffalo - domesticated buffalo on this dudes ranch.  Fucking rich yuppie assholes.    Me:  Yeah they ought to have a place in Alaska where these rich bastards can club seals in privacy.  No less lowbrow for being likely or possible.  
  I told the stripper my name was Tim and she said:  Tiny Tim Taught me to swim Tied me up And left me at the bottom of the pool.  Then she gave me the best lap dance ever.  
   With the advent of Anti-Lock Brakes in almost all cars nowadays, it entirely ruined the audio portion of the car accident I witnessed today.  
  I have a flatulence problem.  If humans breathed methane and found gastro-intestinal fumes and by-products pleasant, NASA could use me to terraform Mars.  
  Even if you momentarily forget what substance you're putting up your nose with your friend at a high class hotel with 13 high priced hookers always remember...  If you're going to sneeze...  Don't Sneeze on a hooker...  Especially when what you're sneezing is a mixture of white powder and blood...  It Makes things un-pleasent for the hooker...  
  "I'll take a medium popcorn please."  "OK, what size?"  "...Uh, medium."  
  people on tv want me to admit that my world sucks. once i admit it, paxil will help.   maybe i should just stop watching tv...  
  A friend of mine once asked me why I always have a condom with me. To me, it's like my keys and my wallet. I don't go anywhere without them.  My response to him was: "I learned this from the Boy Scouts."  He was a bit confused. I continued to elaborate. "Always be prepared."  And you don't know how many times I've been glad I remembered that motto..  
  she gave me the first real hug i had had in many years on a hilly crag in the woods of sherbourne late late one night there was that click were married  we have a new son i am eternally grateful for that click        
  I'm not saying I have actually had this problem but...  If you ever find yourself with a ping pong ball up your ass don't panic. Relax, go sit on the toilet, and push, hard. Don't under any circumstances stop pushing until you hear the pop.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so the plan is this when i hit the lottery im gonna email all every last one of the browers and the ones who had the balls enough to list an actual address will be invited to the biggest shindig this side of the guiness book o records tygr will be the mcee and everyone  who wants to  will get a tailored zoot suit whadyathink         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I bought a vibrator at one of those discount warehouse places for one dollar.  
  I was driving along hwy 95 drunk as shit and didn't realize how drunk I was, well that was until the police pulled me over. He wallked around my car twice before he stopped at my window. I unrolled put down the as he came over so he wouldn't have to wait, he asked if I had been drinking, so I told him the truth. "Yes officer, I only about three beers and two shots in the past three hours". He conveinintly asked me to step out of the car and do a field sobriety test. Well I did that fine, but he still wasn't convinced so he said he would follow me home. Once I finnally got home, a huge three mile drive of absolute grandma driving, I pulled in my driveway and took a deep breath. I stepped out of the car and fell flat on my face.  stanj35@hotmail.com  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         OK, so I was 13 or 14, I forget which.  I was out sailing with my friend.  I suddenly had the shits, really bad.  I had 3 options here:  1. pull down pants, shit off the side.  This was not such a great idea for a number of reasons that you can probably guess.  2. sail to other shore where there was a bathroom right there.  I still don't know why I didn't do this...  3. sail back to dock, discover there was not a bathroom there, try to get to student union before my ass exploded.  Guess which one I chose.  So, we got off at the dock, I pulled off my life jacket, I'm pretty sure I had to help tie up the boat and put it away too.  That was when I realized that the fucking boathouse didn't have a fucking bathroom because it was built in like 1910 or something.  To get to the student union, I had to cross a major highway.  My options were to either walk the long way around to the pedestrian bridge, or go the short illegal way across the train bridge.  This time I chose the faster one.  Of course, I had to duck while running across the train bridge, since it was something like a $100 fine and I didn't want any of the drivers calling the cops.  Once I got to the other side, I of course had the shits even worse.  I tried to start walking, with my ass clenched horribly tight.  I realized I could never make it.  I was walking next to a highway.  Luckily, there was one of those little fake forests off to the side, with a gate in front of it.  I went through the hole in the gate, pulled down my pants and relieved myself.  Of course, I forgot to get my pants out of the way.  My pants, my underwear and my hands were all now covered in shit.  For some reason, I had an extra pair of shorts in my backpack.  Don't ask me why, but this saved me endless embarassment.  I picked up the nasty-ass pants and shorts, tossed them in the dumpster... and saw several tarp tents.  Just then I realized that any number of homeless people could have been watching the whole thing.  Oh well.  I was, of course, walking around naked from the waist down at the time as well.  I pulled on my new shorts and very quickly hurried to the student union.  I smelled like shit.  The bathroom was in the back...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         All my life, my parents have put me through private school. Not because we're rich, because we aren't. But because they always thought education was important.  They scrimped and saved and didn't eat just to afford the swanky day school I went to, then the ultra elite boarding school.  At 14, I decided I wasn't going to college. That I'd finish high school and be a stripper.  Only thing that kept my from it was my father telling me I had a "Tuesday Afternoon" body, not a "Friday Night" body.  Damn. Back to the books, I suppose.  
   My car broke down just outside of Pocahontas, and a few minutes later a family pulled up in a large white car.  The father, in a cowboy hat, and his son, with Jesus on his belt buckle, asked me what was wrong.  I started muttering something about the car being old and maybe the gage doeesn't work and it just slowed down and surged and stopped.  He was my route to salvation, and all of a sudden I was scared.  I thought about them being part of a Jesus cult and trying to kidmap me, only I'm not a kid anymore, so I'm not sure why I was thinking that.  My car broke down.  These people were offering me help; a ride to the station, where they were going to pick up their car.  It seemed too coincidental and then I forgot that life's just like that sometimes.  And all the way here I was admiring the red white and blue flags, thinking about America and what those colors and stars and stripes are for.  The father was like Saint Jude, or Saint Christopher or (forgive me I'm not Catholic) an angel or something.  He told me to say these words:  "Jesus loves me.  God bless my life."  and then he and his son got back in their car and drove to the service station, where they told the mechanic about me and sent him back to pick me up in his truck.  This I found out after getting a ride from a policeman to the Powhattan Motel-Restaurant, with newly finished floors, for whatever it's worth.   Anyway it turns out, I was just out of gas.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i kinda think woody allen had his hand in one or two of these lowbrow moments  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was working as a cook at a restaurant.  12oclock rolled around we were all cleaned up, ovens turned down and ready to enjoy what was left of our Saturday night when our manager comes in and orders a well done steak for himself for a late night meal.  Needless to say we were pretty pissed so my buddy took his steak and took it to the bathroom and rubbed it underneath the rim of the toilet bowl a couple of times prior to serving.....we never heard another late request from him again.  
  While pregnant, my husband was dying to know the sex of the baby.  We go have a sonogram - they can't tell.  May be a girl, may be a boy, but they're leaning towards a girl.  My brain can't accept this, so we have another a few weeks later.  Now they think for sure it's a girl.  My brain doesn't agree with what my body is telling me and my body is screaming "it's a boy".  We have a third sonogram and my doctor says he's "98% sure it's a girl".  I said, "really!" in shock once again, and he says "it's a girl if I've ever seen one!"  Fast forward two months.  I end up having a c-section and my doctor announces to the room what a beautiful baby boy we have.  The room goes silent.  My husband, my anesthesiologist, and myself all ask each other "did he just say a boy?"  My doctor peers over the curtain in front my stomach and says, "wow, I told you it was a girl, didn't I?" and laughs a nervous chuckle.  I reply with a mocking chuckle, "yeah, you're so fired."  Fast forward 10 days.  My incision has not closed all the way, but I don't know this until one day I'm watching TV, gazing at my newborn SON and feel a warm liquid dripping down my side.  I hobble to the bathroom to find my shirt, my shorts, the blanket I had over my legs all soaked with some mysterious liquid.  I jump into the bathtub and speed-dial my doctor's office, they then tell me to get there right away.  My husband packs up the kid and we fly to the hospital.  In the room, my doctor comes in to look at my leaky incision.  He begins to explain that this happens to 1 out of every 100 women who have c-sections, BLAH BLAH BLAH, but I'm not listening.  I'm fuming.  I'm sore, I'm leaking from my boobs, my crotch and now my stomach, and I could think of about 4,500 other things I'd rather be doing that very moment.    He obviously picks up on this from my facial expression.  He stops explaining and says, "I know you think this is my fault.  I promise I did not do this to you."  I reply, "didn't I fire you already?"  
  my little brother and i are watching TV when a commercial for Girls Gone Wild! comes on.  he rolls his eyes and comments on the lameness of it, but he's 14, and the only reason he's so discerning is because he's used our DSL to discover the finer niches of porn.  "i don't see what the big deal is, personally," i told him.  "they're just boobs.  boobs aren't really interesting unless they belong to some one you love."  he agreed.  like he'd know.  
   Marriage 602  My girlfriend and I leave my wife's house just as her boyfriend drives up. The guy is scared to death of me, because all I ever am is nice to him. He quickly rolls down his window to greet me. I don't stop, but as I walk by, I put on my best NY City counter clerk voice and say: " Next! " My girlfriend introduces herself, and they swap niceties, then she walks on, saying: "I hope you have a lovely evening!" He looks even more lost, confused, and terrified than ever. I could even pity the poor fuck if he wasn't bonking my wife.        
  Taking lunch at my favorite watering hole in Houston. Don't visit after work hours cause I must commute 65 miles home after work and can't drink alcohol.  Angelo, the father of the owner of the bar comes up to me and drapes his arm around me. "How you doing?" he asks in his broken English. He's Greek.  "I'm fine" I say, "and you?". He asks me about my sex life and I honestly tell him I haven't had one of those (sex life) since 1999. He gets up close to me and says, "I fuck more than anybody and I'm 83".  He does; all the female bartenders tell me he does.  83 years old.  
   An earlier lowbrow female poster talked about how her turning thirty, and reaching her sexual peak and all, made her think about cruising the local h.s. in search of sexually peaking boys. Well, I'm a thirty year old man, does that mean I should cruise the playground for 17 y/o chicks because they have a similar sexual drive?  I hope so...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He did not look  out of place at the picnic. He loaded his plate and reached into the ice cold water of the wastub and pulled out a Coke.  He opened it with his teeth and spit the  cap between the breast of the preachers wife. She smiled while the preacher decided if this man was a sinner in need or the devil himself.        
  I was in 8th grade and I was sitting next to an old friend of mine named Andy in Algebra class. I had a pen in my hand.  I dont know why I did it... maybe I was angry at the world, maybe I was just bored... I dont know. But I turned to Andy and I said "Hey... can i stab you?"  He looked at me kind of funny and giggly-like and said "yeah."  So I stabbed him square in the shoulders. He then screamed "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT???"  I told him that he said I could and that it couldnt be helped.   About a year later I'm sitting next to the same kid in Latin class. We're still good friends and all, and he's pretty much forgotten about the whole thing. But once again I got the urge.  So i said "hey man... can i stab you?"  Now I dont know WHY he said yes the second time, but he did. Only this time I hit him in the back of the hand on one of those big blood vessels. Anyway... instead of the little spot of blood like the last time, his hand just started gushing. It was very cartoon-esque... it was actually spraying a little bit. I didnt think that people actually bled like that, but I suppose that I was proven wrong that day.  He raised his hand and told the teacher that he had scratched himself until he bled. He told his mom the same thing when he had to go to the doctor to get a prescription for his blood poisoning.  Good kid.    
  My friend gave me a ride home from TKD class, and I noticed his bumper stickers.  "I get my kicks at US Tae Kwon Do Academy"  "Carlton Heston is my president"  "USMC Sniper: Don't bother running, you'll just die tired."   You know what, if I see his car on the road, I think I'll just let him pass.  
  I once took a picture of my coffee because it looked interesting. It was a white coffee mug sitting on a red counter with black coffee in it. I took it looking right down at the coffee.  When I received my roll of film, the picture came back green. No red. Just white black and green. I don't know how it happened. There was nothing even close to green in that entire part of the house.  
  Forgot my computer glasses and had to take a quick trip home to retrieve them.  On the way I'm stopped because of a wreck involving three pick-up trucks and two compact cars. The EMS was picking up broken bodies.  This happened at an intersection that should have slow traffic. The wreck shouldn't have happened.  Just another day in this small, red-necked, low-intelligent human inhabited Texas town.  I'm getting out - very soon now.  The Insurance companies and Body shops do a booming business here.  
  try this:  Eat nothing but broccolli for one day. You'll be shitting awesome overly green logs the next day.  
   Trivial Pursuit  I loved playing Trivial Pursuit when it first came out, and I really started to think I was the best. I formed a league at work, and it got popular. I invited a very sharp co-worker (hi, Terry Borrozs!) onto my team, and we kicked ass. Came the championship round, and it got down to one final question: "What animal did NASA decide was the perfect companion for man in space?" I was stumped. Being Scottish, I thought of answering: "Sheep," but this was serious. Terry put his head down on his hands for a minute, closed his eyes, and then answered: "The Goat." Much high-fiving later, I said to Terry: "How in hell did you remember that?" Terry: "I didn't. I worked it out from first principles. They don't shed, they eat anything, they provide milk, meat, and wool..."     
  All i wanted was to get a little.. .and I ended up waking up naked in 3 feet of mud with her barney costume laying next to me     
  in a fit of springtime-inspired shopping, my sister and i decided to head to the trendy girl store of long island, a place called bonnie's jeans, where sanrio wallets on chains sit side by side with those hair thingys that look like slinkys until they're uncoiled. at this store, i saw a shirt -- dark blue, short sleeve, greeen flowers, polyester -- that fit my cute-but-not-too-cute assessment. it was $20. but not available in my size. on the way back home we stopped at target to revel in the 89 cent snapples, and as we were walking by the womens' clothing section i noticed a shirt out of the corner of my eye -- it was that very shirt that i had not purchased in the trendy-girl store, on the same type of hanger, with the same tag dangling from the sleeve. except this tag said $12. and the shirt was available in my size. so i bought it.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I masterbate in my office during my lunch hour.  I work in a courthouse.  Hows that for justice, baby.  
   Watching the firefighter hose the blood off the street.  Apparently the guy was so engrossed in his cellphone conversation that he never saw the car coming.  All I saw was a ton of blood in the street.  A lot of blood...      
  Our 'Senior Superlatives' had just been released for eighth grade. You know, "Best Eyes,  Best Smile," shit like that. Nick, being the hilarious kid he is, runs across the hallway to the other home-room.  "Katie! You won Most Gullible!"  She turned around with a surprise and a smile ear-to-ear.  "I did!!!?"  Most gullible was most definately not a category. And yes katie, you sure did win.  
  "Is that a humidifier?" she asked, pointing to the motel art on the wall.  "No, Gladys," I replied, "That is a painting."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Just finished moving and there's only three things in the house to eat -2 cans of sardines, half a bag english muffins, and a nearly depleted bottle of horseradish. Lucky for me they made a lovely sandwich.  
  I have a perfectly bald soft spot on the bottom of my scrotum. I told my best friend about it, and he called me from Atlanta a year later to tell me he had one too.   "This is absolutely amazing" he said.  
  Admit it.  Even by yourself sex is better in a motel room.  
   Fun With Divorce #4  My wife and I are getting on much better these days. She's even hired me to install a new outside door and a spiral staircase she bought. The door installation is tough, since it's wider than the door that was in there, but I do perhaps the best job I've ever done. It works perfectly, and looks great, but I still need to work on it a little more.  But she paid me today, real money, before I was finished. Moron. I now have a case of Molson and two packs of cigarettes. She's not getting any work out of me in the next day or so...  
  I broke my knee.  It sucked.  Fortunately, lots of people took pity and did stuff, like open doors for me.  One thing that I still had to do myself was shit.  Being unable to bend my leg, I dropped my pants and tried to maneuver my butt over the toilet and fall gracefully onto the seat.   So I fail and fall into that cruddy space in between the wall and the toilet where sometimes your first shot of piss ends up cause you're too drunk/out of it to aim correctly.  Oh, and since my leg is in a cast, I can't get up, so I'm stuck there, pants around my ankles, in dry, rotting piss.    Of course, only my female apartmentmate was home and of course her hot friend was over.  The same hot friend who I dreamt about being naked with every night.  I just hadn't ever thought our first, and last, time would be quite like this.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He says:  "I'm not really a big fan of getting head.  But the chicks seem to dig doing it so I tolerate it... Y'know, for their sake."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at my friend's work the other day... he's a manager... i notice the window in his office, or rather the fact that there is a square hole, missing s pane of glass... I inquire as to what happened and the following story ensued.   apparently my friend was having a bad day, and after a decidedly unfreindly phone call from a customer he throws his keys at the window. the window cracks. suprise! my friend goes to inspect the crack he has made, and upon touching it, the window shatters in to thousands of pieces, and falls to the ground? How to explain this one to the boss...? here's how: pick up a piece of glass, cut your arms and shoulder with it, and then say you slipped on a box, and fell in to it.  i laughed, then wen smoked a joint in the walk in freezer  
  I think oprah would look hot in a bee coustume  
  Stocking capped, bearded, flanneled, he sat looking around as if he was outof place.  He was.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me: ...now i wonder why in the hell different absorbencies of tampons tell you how many GRAMS they can hold. me: how the fuck are you supposed to know how many grams you're bleeding!? dan: if you use a given model, and exceed its capacity, you can say "well i bled more than 7 grams, i can tell you that"    
  It was the first time we tried ecstacy. Her birthday party seemed like a good place, enough time to come down and drive home later. And the trampoline... ooooh the trampoline. Everything was going great. All of a sudden though, our excessive water drinking came up.  "So why are you guys drinking all that water anyways?"  In our giggly daze, all we could think of to say was:  "We've got cotton mouth!"   
  I'm walking through a sex shop and looking at vibrators for my girlfriend.  After a few minutes I came across a "Hello Kitty" one, I'm sure its faster and more reliable than american built ones...fucking Japanese!  
  yes, marshmallows and hotdogs are fun to microwave... but, just for me, put a cd in there sometime. any cd... a blank cd-r or one you fucked up... whatever. just don't walk away, or you might not have a kitchen any longer. 10-15 seconds is enough. be really high when you do it, too.  
         Today, somebody asked me how things were in my "homeland."  I replied in all seriousness, "in NJ?"  He said, "no, Italy."  I have never been in Italy and do not speak Italian. I was born in and have lived my entire life in the US.  But cuz I am of Italian descent, this type of incident happens often.  Next time somebody asks me that question, I 'll say:  "I dunno, let me check Time magazine."  
   Pussy-Licking 101   (I already know that you're going to read this one all the way to the end, so I'll just have fun...)  Sports bar. Playing pool well, or horrible. That's got nothing to do with pussy-licking. Playing with my married buddies, 'cept they're not actually married, and she's a little heavy for my taste, but has titties to  die  for. I lose, and sit down at the bar, challenge some young fuck for his girlfriend.  They both laugh, and buy me a beer. Out of control, as usual, but that's got nothing to do with pussy-licking. The couple dissolve into each other, and I'm on my own, with no money for another beer. Kristen (the one with the big titties, yas): "What are you drinking? I just lost at the table." She buys me a Molson. I love that woman! Me: "Did you see all those young morons, staring at those two dykes in the corner?" She: "They're not really dykes. They can be persuaded..." Me: "You're bisexual!" She: "You bet!" We have an extended conversation about pussy-licking. Me: " The thing I love more than anything in the world, is to grab her ass in my hands, and then dive into the fur and stay for hours. " She laughs, and agrees. Some guy who thinks he has a chance with her comes up and starts talking. She's a great woman, and could obviously handle him herself, but I'm having too much fun. Me: "Yo, buddy! We're having a conversation, here!" He: "What you talking about?" Me: "We're talking about pussy-licking. She's a dyke, you moron!" He leaves. She and I giggle ourselves stupid...  
  White Trash Seduction:  part 2 I smelled bad, but Tina was far too drunk to notice.  She was clearly a total whore, but I was far too drunk to care. She grabbed my ass and winked.  I followed her to her car.  A purple Camero.  "It will be fine," she said, "I am sure my three kids will be asleep by now." Yup, 26 years old, 3 kids from 3 guys, and here I am setting myself up to be baby-dada number four. But by then my dick was doing all the driving.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After terminating the marriage plans with ex fianc  #3, I billed him for expenditures. I really did. One of the expenditures was my being tested for HIV because he was a cheater. The test, btw, thank goodness, was negative.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is a security guard where I work who likes to take her breaks in the ladies' room.  I usually see her in there when I stop in to potty after my smoke breaks.  She always tries to talk to me while I'm doing my business.  I have to wash my hands on the way out of the bathroom so she won't think I'm unclean.  I hate that security guard.  
  my roommate and i compare scores on various standardized tests and realize that we are the smartest people we know, by those admittedly flawed rating scales.  we celebrate this fact by ordering our fifth round of the night.  at 6:30pm.  on a monday, having an 8:40 class the next day.  if you ever want to see the definition of wasted potential, come drinking with us for a couple weeks.  
  redneck haiku:  Norma-Jean loves me We're Cousins and half-brothers I'm my own grandpa  
  "Hi there", she says. "I'm Kelly."  I look over from where I'm buying a drink to smile at her. "I'm Adam, hi how are you going".  This never happens to me you see. A nice looking girl gives me more than a 'you wish' look in a bar, anyway.  "Great, wanna buy me a drink?"  I look at her, a little cautious. I'd love to have her company for a while, sit sipping a drink, make her laugh. Maybe she'll realise I'm a nice guy, not just some fucker trying to get laid.  "Sure, what would you like".  "A beer'd be great"  I smile my approval, a pretty, confident chick who sees something in me AND isn't into girly mixed drinks.  I hand her a frosty pint and our glasses touch with a clink.  "Thanks sweety" she smiles and turns away.  I doubletake, not sure what she's doing, but still hoping she's looking for a table for us to sit at, smoke cigarettes, solve world problems.  She walks the room and then sits down opposite a young fellow, sliding the beer across to him.  Piece of cake I see her say as he takes a long pull at the ale.  
  I find it hard to believe that people actually have mullets.  I'm in awe of them. i don't think I'm alone in this. There are countless websites devoted to mullet watching.   At my job we sell a set of refrigerator magnets that show the main 5 styles of mullets.  My manager has a pretty bad mullet, but I don't think she knows it.  She went on and on about how funny and great the magnets are.  We all looked at eachother really confused.  Does she really not know?  
  Mon. night and I had just gotten back from a week long vacation in Jamaica with Bob. We had celebrated our one year anniversary in the islands. My phone rang. "Hello," I said. "Jen, this is Roxanne. Are you still seeing Bob?"  "Yeah, why?" She answered me with "Because I was at his house last night fucking him."  The vacation pictures and souveniers are in the trash waiting to be dumped in the landfill along with my memories.  
  After I first learned the joys of self-pleasure, I started a contest with myself to see how many different places I could do it. The list so far:  - in bed - in the bathtub - on an airplane - at every one of my relative's houses - on the bus while riding to basketball tournaments - in the back of a car full of oblivious relatives - in the living room with a pillow over my lap while watching a movie with my family  The fact that I'm a girl made this all a lot easier, of course. I need new creative ideas...  
   2pm, sitting in my motorhome, I finally run out of beer. I'm hiding out quietly, because my van isn't here (no way was I driving it home last night). I hear my wife and boy head out somewhere. I get some clothes on and head downtown. People on the sidewalk avoid me. Fuck them. I take far too much pleasure in the fact that I realize I'm walking straighter, and look more presentable, than many guys I've seen staggering around downtown in the afternoon. I still haven't had breakfast, so I go into the BrewPub and order some soup. I'm conveniently sitting beside a couple of wonderful, single, blonde 31 year-olds. They pay me no attention, so, for a change, I pay them none, either. My soup is wonderful. So are they. I drink in every last pore of their bodies, without so much as glancing at them. They're talking about Botox injections and crap like that -- stuff they have no need of whatsoever. They go to leave. One touches me on the shoulder: "Thanks for not bugging us." Me: "Eh? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't notice you..." I get my van, and a fresh 18-pack, come back here and post this moment in real-time. But there's a nagging feeling in the back of my head. Something is not quite right, here...  
  My Uncle once told me in a drunken stupor "In life your either doing the fucking or the one getting fucked!!"   I looked at him and said "That doesnt seem real negative to me once you think about it"  He thought a minute shrugged his shoulders and gave me a beer  I love my family.  
  "I only smoke in bars." she said deftly tapping a cigarette out of hissoft-pack.  "I feel like I need to smoke, it's part of being in a bar."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   Outer Hebrides Moments #1   My brother-in-law, an air traffic controller, must have done something really bad (he never told us what) because his next posting was the island of Benbecula, in the Outer Hebrides, off the west coast of Scotland.  400 people, 10,000 sheep, and the Free Church Of Scotland, which is one of the ... how shall we say ... more  austere  and fundamental Christian denominations.  Their first Sunday there, they notice that all the female sheep are suddenly sporting cute little patches of tartan across their rear ends.  When asked, a farmer tells them bluntly:  "That's so that the rams will not defile the Sabbath by copulating."  Turns out the solution for the roosters is simpler -- they're put under a creel (fish basket) for the day.  Meantime, all the islanders stay home with their curtains drawn, so that the neighbours can't see them watching television or some equally-dreadful sin, like drinking whisky...  
  I love the way my ass feels, all round and firm.  Sometimes I like to give it a slap.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I used to work in a mall and would glue coins to the floor, to make the retail experience pass by more quickly.  Then one day I was getting my boss some chicken nuggets and saw some extremely large person get really excited about finding 50 cents on the counter.   The next day I got to the mall really early and glued two quarters and a penny down. i figured the copper and silver mixture would attract more attention.   I took my break at the nearest table in the food court that day. Dinner and a show.     
  this one time freshman year in university i had just made some popcorn when my roomie walks into the room...she sniffs the air and declares, "it smells like sex in here!" "no," i said, "it smells like popcorn. that's because i made popcorn." she wouldn't stop saying that it smelled like sex in the room.  i'm wondering, what type of sex was she having that involved a bowl of hot buttered popcorn?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         two speed freaks were sittin' around?  "hey, man" said one to the other "got any speed?"  "yeah, here, have one" as he  passed a black beauty to his companion.  he grabbed the speeder, bit it  half, and threw the other half away  "hey" said the supplier "don't you know there are people sleeping in India??!!!"  
  nothing like the tenseness of the space between the sound of your left running shoe slipping on the sanded pavement and the crash that ruins your knee        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            When my mother finally nagged me to the point where I gave up and just took the SATs, I felt it was all a joke. I hadn't paid attention in class since middle school. The only things I hadn't scraped by in thoughout high school were Bilogy, Sex Ed, and Phys Ed, which I got A's in.  Nothing mattered, shitty grades fsince 6th grade. Kicked out sophmore year. Came back senior year from a school for junkies and crazies. No college would ever want me.  I watched a dodge dart drive around the parking lot for about 7 minutes during one of the reading tests. I took a nap during one of the math tests.  Scored a 1340. Timmy got a 1360 and goes to an engineering school, Stevens Institute. I'm in community college. I'm a fucking idiot.        
   Hudson River Tales #14 The Fastest Net-Mender On The East Coast  That was me. Pure bragging here, with the necessary genuinely humiliating LowBrow zinger at the end. The bottom of the Hudson river is covered with weird things. Sure, there are some old galleons with cannons and so on, but there are mostly old refrigerators, Buicks, Italian gentlemen with weird, enormous stone-like boots on, and other things that can tear a net to pieces.  (By the way, on one single tow, we recovered a child's hobby-horse with no head,  and  the skull of an actual horse. The teeth kicked around the deck for years after.)  So I get into net-mending. I discover really neat things like, no matter how large the tear (unless there's an actual chunk missing), you can always find the one place to start that will allow you to mend the entire rip with a single, unbroken length of thread. It's sorta like plate tectonics.  So big deal, but I get so good at it that the company gives me the above title. I get really popular as a crewmember because, if we're out on the water, hours away from home, and we get a really big rip, and we don't have a spare net left, I just give the crew an hour off, sit down in the sun, and sew away happily. So, on to the LowBrow. Years later, I'm touring Nova Scotia with the current Love Of My Life. I've almost got her persuaded to move to Boston with me. Minutes off the boat at Yarmouth, we're heading out. I notice an old guy in his yard, mending a net. I pull over. Jeanne comes with me, happy and relaxed, finally. She sits down in the sun while I chat with the guy. We understand each other, immediately. He hands me a spare shuttle. I wind it up and go to work. He and I chat along about our theories of netmending. The sun shines, the waves crash, the gulls cry. Jeanne: "Can we go, soon? We have to get to Halifax tonight." Me: "Why? We're on vacation." Silence from Jeanne. I go back to the interesting problem at hand. The old guy and I chat about plate tectonics. Jeanne: " I'm going to get a room in town! Find me! " She grabs my VW camper and somehow manages to actually  peel out , leaving stripes of rubber on the road. Shit. She just took just about everything I own right now. Find her? What does  that  involve? Peace returns. The sun shines, the waves crash, the gulls cry. The old guy and I go back to talking plate tectonics. We're ripping through his nets in no time. He: "Eh... do ya need a place to stay? I'll hire yee if you need a job." Me: "I'll take you up on the place to stay..."  
  5AM  In an NYPD paddy wagon designed to hold 20 , there are 40.  I am daisy chained to 4 other people.  The harded criminals who have been through this all before are taking this opportunity to consume as much of their drugs as they can before we get to central booking, the guy next to me asks me to move my arm with his so he can sniff more of his blow.  The man on the other side of me vomits on the floor.      
  My apartment got flooded when I was out of town, and the maintenance man came to help clean up.  I said, "this must be about the worst thing you've ever seen."  He said, "Nah, the worst was the guy who killed himself and ended up leaning against the door.  We had to force the door open and blood and brains kept seeping out the harder we pushed.  That was the worst."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          A girl I was having relations with once called me a "sex monster". It wasn't entirely complimentry, but it was certainly dead-on.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         drinking ...  her: "you know your alcohol limit, rite?"  me: "yeah, of course."  2 hrs later, i'm at the toilet shitfaced, puking all over, took a shit, puked again with shit back splashing at my face, ... hell yeah i know my limit! i also know when i've passed that limit!  
  In line at the Starbucks near my work, the morning rush to fellate corporate America had just begun.    A man in front of me had a bannana peel on his shoulder, and someone informed him of this. He took it off, folded it carefully and put it in his pocket.  Maybe he was saving it for later.   
  Revenge is best served cold: ah, the Piss Puck(tm).  this works wonderfully with people who have mail slots in their front door, or on a hot summer day when people leave their car windows rolled down a crack. you just piss into a paper/plastic cup, probably about 1 inch deep.  you might want to do this in the shower.  then, stash your cup(s) in the freezer, and go about your day.  then, when it's dark outside, remove your (hopefully) frozen piss cup from the freezer.  remove the cup from the frozen piss, and then you have a fun Piss Puck(tm).  i'm sure you can think of something amusing to do with it from here. Martha Stewart's helpful hint: the farther you fling the Piss Puck(tm) through their mail slot, the weirder the place the Piss Puddle(tm) will be on their floor tomorrow morning!  
  Consider, for a moment, what is involved with access to lowbrow.com.  You've got to have a computer and an internet connection.  Less likely but still possible, you could have access to a library or a computer lab somewhere.  Compared to the incredible masses of people out there, anyone with access to lowbrow has  got  to be fairly well off.  Probably in the wealthiest 20% of the world.  So what do we do with our time?  Hit reload on the 'brow, for hours on end.  Read about other people shitting themselves, cheating on each other, getting vicious revenge...  This is so much fun.  
  it was his crowning moment of supreme redneck perfection; he said these words "what's a bigot? you homo!" the sad part is no satire was intended none at all.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time my friend Luke got drunk.   He took a dump on the plastic slide of the elementary school playground.  It slid down about halfway and stopped.  Did I mention the slide was one of those tunnel kinds, that you can't really see what might be inside?   yeah.  
  the funny face that made my mom scream at me the goofy face an old girlfriend interpreted as no no go right ahead and screw all my friends its ok the shiteating grin face that got me detention more times that i care to remember or an extra ticket from a pissed off cop  the bugsbunnylike faces that used to make my sister spit her milk through her nose and make my dad yell or make a penguin take a swipe at me all of that practice making all of those faces has finally paid off cos my four month old boy giggles at every one of them definitely worth the practice        
  My teacher once told me, "It takes more energy and muscles to frown than it does to smile."  I looked back at her, blinked, then said, "It takes even more energy and muscles to point that out to me."  D--  
  You know how in that new Star Wars movie the short guy with the red face waves his hand and the good guys fly backwards like they'd been hit?  I want to be able to do the hand thing.  Or have a really long tongue and work with that chick who's all painted blue... yum       
    The ATM mocked me, with it's $20 minumum withdrawal, and my $19.78 account.   Thank you, whoever invented the Coinstar. Without your ingenuity go-getter attitude I would've spent that night sober.  
  I missed a spot while shaving my legs. It wouldn't be a big deal if I could quit touching it.  But I can't. It's fucking just there. Just a small area ruining the whole effect of having smooth legs.  That's it. I'm getting a razor.  
   The voice on the other end of the phone was sultry and sexy. Liquid bravado gave me the perfect opportunity. Putting on my most smooth, assured voice I asked, "are you chewing gum?".    I didn't get laid that night.   
   Helium Shoes  At the dinner table, I show my fianc&eacute;e my new sneakers, and mention that they're very light. She hefts one: "Wow, nice, but nowhere near as light as my dad's helium shoes." Me: "???" She: "When I was 10, my Dad came home with a pair of really light shoes. He explained that the manufacturer injected compressed helium into them, so they weighed almost nothing." Me: " Compressed  helium?" I look over at her Dad (LowBrow keyword: " You've been fucking my daughter! "). He hasn't accepted me at all yet, but at least he has the grace to blush and avert his eyes. Me: "Annie. Why would  compressed  helium be lighter than air?" Across the table, Dad loses it. Twelve years later, somebody found him out. Annie is stricken. It was one of her favourite childhood stories.  
  A grey, broken old man picked me up 60 miles from the Arizona/Nevada border, where I'd slept.  It was dawn - sometime before 7am - and he was driving to a casino on the far side of the Hoover Dam, where he would gamble 'til long after sunset. He offered me some of the beer he was drinking.  I declined.  In retrospect, this was the perfect introduction to Nevada.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Last night, in my dream, I dry humped the lowbrow artist Robert Williams.  It was one of those "coochy-cooty" moments (not to be confused with a Hallmark moment).       
  as a freshman in high school it can be pretty traumatic when a cute girl points out the fact that she can see your boner....  
  I was just playing with my knife, and I realized that if I suddenly decided to plunge it into my abdomen, I'd move my Pink Floyd shirt first.         
  touch my prostate         
  You know the honeymoon is over when she comes in to take a shit while you are brushing your teeth.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Aaah, The Good Old Days In Scotland  Weird little one, but LowBrow: My favourite place in the world was Waverly Station in Edinburgh. Destination signs pointing everywhere in the world. Pure Freedom! The station was very dark, with a black roof, for some reason. I could spend hours watching the enormous, shiny brass steam locomotives chuffing in and out. Aah, the safe old days. 'Cept I finally realized that the roof was actually all glass, but was black from the smoke from the trains. Just like our lungs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         While the first one was over...before we had sex, two other booty calls called me.  He knew who was on the phone...I didn't really hide it, and he fucked me anyway.  But the greatest part was on the way out of my apartment...when he passed AND made eye contact with another booty call who was about to knock on my door.  And that one fucked me too.  I dunno if that's lowbrow, but it sure is something.  
  Grocery Clerk Entry #16: A customer told me that one of our desserts is 'orgasmic' so I bought it for my Mom.  
  I used to take a lot of LSD.  One night, I decided that my good friend was stealing my thoughts. I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that my only recourse was to kill him in broad daylight. Of course, later that night I calmed down.  I decided to confront him about first, like a civilized human being.   
  I love pissing in the shower.  Sometimes I hold in that first thing in the morning piss until I can jump in and let go in the tub.  Sometimes I don't totally make it, but it's worth it.  
  Why does everyone insist on calling each other by their last names in American tv shows/movies?   Do you people really talk like that?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the darkness just before dawn, I moved her garbage cans back into her garage area. The truck came, picked up everyone's but hers, and was gone. She came wailing out of the house in her ragged sweats.  If morning TV sucks, you gotta make your own entertainment.  
  Mullet Haiku  Mullet hanging long Sweeping it out of my eyes Mullets are bitchen!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a waiter in training pulls the cork on a celebratory bottle of cheap wine pop her hand flys back and slaps a beet red bloated jackass across his belittling mouth i cough my makersmark through my nose        
  I was on the computer on a porno website. My computer is really, old and froze on me.  At that moment my mom came home. Needless to say I was banned from the computer for a while.       
  My friend and I were talking about mullets. Some guy pipes in, "what's a mullet? Some sort of haircut?"  My friend looks at him levelly and says, "it's an achy breaky big mistakey"  I shot coffee out of my nose.  It hurt.   
  Mullets are pretty funny.  But not funny enough to write a poem about.  Besides, the only real person I ever knew who had a mullet was a great guy.  
  standing in line at sheetz at 3 ayem to buy a corndog, the woman in line ahead of me starts screaming out "jesus is lord, i just had an epiphany, god spoke to me here and now!"  then she fell down and shit her pants real bad.   if thats what an epiphany is like, i'll keep on going to hell.  
  A friend I have works in a video store. The porn section is all the way in the back, hidden behind another display. Anyone who wants to buy porno has to ask him where the section is. They're usually all quiet and embarrassed about it. One day a fortysomething comes in and announces loudly:  "WHERE'S YOUR PORNOGRAPHY?!?"    My friends, that's how to live.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I noticed the cop was following me in his car as I walked home from the bar. He would drive down a parralell street and up another until I finally stopped on the sidewalk and stared at him with my arms crossed. He finally drove up next to me. "I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE FOLLOWING ME I HAVE RIGHTS AS A CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY SECURED BY THE FOURTH AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION AND OTHER ASPECTS OF MY FREEDOM AS BLAH, BLAH, BLAH GUARANTEED BY THE BILL OF RIGHTS AND I PAY YOUR SALARY WITH MY TAXES SO C'MON OUT WITH IT DID YOU HAVE ANY POSSIBLE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH THIRD I MEAN FOURTH AMENDMENT BLAH BLAH..." He looked a little hurt, but he patiently waited for me to finish. "I just wanted to see that you got home ok. You were asleep halfway on someone's lawn a couple minutes ago. I woke you up and you started walking." "really?" "Yup." "sorry. goodnight."  
  friend of mine picks up a girl in a nearby college town and takes her back home. they bang like rabbits. he wakes up at 2 a.m. hungry. says to her 'let's get a bite to eat'  he drives roundabout to get to the store. drove 5 miles to go 1 mile. hands her a fistful of quarters and asks her to go across the street and pickup the sunday paper for him while he gets the food. while she's over there he drives off. said he wanted to sleep late that morning and not wake up with her next to him.   i called him a cold hearted asshole. he said 'hey, i gave the bitch some quarters. she could make a phone call'  he was right. i admired him then  
  My friend Tim once stole a half loaf of French bread from me. With every intention of hitting him in the stomach, I kicked him in the nuts. Hard.  As he lay crumpled on the floor next to my boots, coughing and purple faced, I realized the bread was stale. I made sure to put it in the garbage can as I walked away.  Moral of the story: I have bad aim.  
  Ok - just read a moment about what had been in someones arse.  It was something along the lines of: finger, surgical tubing, screwdriver, thermometer, maglight.  Was rather amazed at the maglight, thinking 'why the hell would someone put a maglight in their arsehole?'  Didn't give the screwdriver a second thought.  Hmmm....  Maybe I'm worse than I thought.    
  ok, i was about 17 and feeling really cool being over at my girlfriend's house while her parents were gone.  she and i were haveing a small hormone fest on a blanket on the floor of her room.  we had just gotten done and were laying around on the blanket sharing the cute "yeah, that just felt nice" kind of feeling when we heard the front door open.  her dad had come home from work.  i helped her back on with her pants and slid the blanket under her bed while she went to casually say hi to him.  i could hear her in the other room say "hey ____ is in there, you should go say hi to him." i propped my back up to her bed and sat there calmly, as if i was just listening to the music that we had put on to cover the noise she made.  her dad, whom i had met plenty of times before, came in and immediately extended his hand down to me on the floor.  and i with my hands covered in his daughter's bodily secretions shook it with a smile.  
  Stupidly, I answered the door, knowing it wouldn't be anything good. It wasn't. It was some moron trying to sell me carpet cleaning services. I kept trying to interrupt, but motor mouth just went on and on, trying to edge into the door. Finally I yelled "HEY!" When he shut up in shock, I explained allllll these houses are military housing, and NONE of them have carpet.  Without missing a beat, he says "We have a great deal now on carpets, sales and installation, free padding..." I slammed the door in his face, but I gotta admire the guy's never-say-die attitude.  Don't gotta listen to it, though.   
  So he's as happy as Larry? Concluding that Larry is happy of course. What happens if Larry isn't happy? That would bring down the whole equalibrium! We'd be in a state of turmoil and  distruction just because one damn knome can't stay happy for one goddamn life time!! What is the world coming too when a once light-hearted comment about how happy someone was becomes a sarcastic put down? "Yeah mate- he's happy. 'Bout as happy as Larry!" "Who's Larry?" "That Godforsaken garden knome who couldn't be 'Mary-fucking-Sunshine' 24/7".   
  I don't ever drop the f-bomb  so that way when I do say that dirty little four letter word  people know I'm pissed.  
  Me and some friends were at a party in the countryside, and after the party we were going to stay the night there. A couple of my friends had gone to bed early, whilst I and the others had kept on partying for quite a while. I'd drunk way too many beers. After a while it was time for us to go to bed in the room we all shared, and we (especially I) stumbled in to the room. In the dark room I notice what appears to be a chick sleeping in one of the beds and exclaim: "Whooa we have a lady in the room!" My friend says, "No, that's Bob."  "No way, her ass is way too nice for her to be Bob!" Of course, it was Bob. I got to hear that story alot the next several days.  
  It has been said before that 56.865% of all facts are made up on the spot.  After extensive research, I have concluded that 34.55% of the comments posted on Lowbrow are complete fabrications.  This is very good considering the national average of 65.99%.  
  something must be wrong with my registry or my NT LM cos i keep getting the one about liking monkeys like every other one i mean i like monkeys too but for crissakes  bill gates fucking with me again       
  booze+ganja+best friends parent's anal beads=fucked up fun  jesus i couldnt believe it  there the were, in all their glory, basking in a jar of disinfectant. big and orange  jesus i didnt even know the things really exsisted till i saw em that one horrible day.  5 teens at their frineds house drunk and/or stoned and we find anal beads. poor paul probably has nightmares bout how we stuck em in his mouth. he was upset bout that  so we didnt tell him  we also rubbed em on his toothbrush and pillow.  we still dont now if they were usd on pauls mom or dad.    i dont want to know  
  I sit at the doctors office, because I ve been doing the most rancid farts ever, for a whole week.  The guy sitting next to me, the lonely type, strikes up a conversation.  We re alone in the waitingroom and he asks: "What are you seeing the doctor for?"  Stupid...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Man, during a beerelevnet discussion the other day, my friend told me that his mom had given him an entire book on the evils of masturbation, and even looked through the cracks in the floors and walls to see if he was beating it.  My friend is a 22 year old virgin.  
  I bought 20 expansion packs for the Magic card game in one sitting.         
   i know i know alcoholism but if they didnt change the definition of legal and illegal and drunk and social drinker and alcoholic so often i would know where i stand personally right now i could stand to have a beer      
  I hope when the number of moments crests the 10,000 mark T. Jay will print bind and sell them something like Lowbrow Volume One - published on like Penguin Toothbrush Press,  etc.    I was thinking what would I pay for such a book?  All neatly broken out with sections and an index.  Then I thought - wait a minute I'd be a fucking co author here I should get a discount.  Wait a minute I should get royalties. . .  All of which is exactly why he probably wont do such a thing.    
  In 1970 I was walking back to Zura Hall, my dorm @ San Diego State after going through the gruelling task of class registration.  I was in great spirits as there were four of my friends from No. Cal. waiting in my room for me to return so we could drive down to Ensenada, Mexico for the weekend and go berserk.  As I approached my dorm, I saw with horror that Armstrong, one of my so-called friends, was dangling a big pink dildo by it's strap like a yo-yo out of my window, which was located directly above the front door of Zura.  There were kids standing and talking there, not aware that this latex monster was pogoing madly about 8 feet over their heads. The last thing I wanted to do was to get a rep as some kinda homo (who else would have a dildo in 1970?)and I motioned for Armstrong to pull it back inside as I approached.  He pulled it back inside alright, and fired a 75 mph fast-dildo out of my window and practically hit LuAnne Peterson (a yummy blonde) in the back of the head.  I caught the damn thing, and in one fluid motion threw it as hard as I could back up at my open window on the second story.  The dildo narrowly missed Armstrong's grinning face, flying through the open window with so much force that it actually left a burnt latex streak on my ceiling!  It looked a lot like someone had stood on a chair and rubber an Eberhardt pink eraser on it.  LuAnne, who I was certain caught the whole gig, saw only a pink streak fly out of my hand, and accepted my explanation that it was a water balloon.  It didn't matter in the end though.  She never hosed me, so you can see that there is NO Moral to This Story. But why did I have a dildo in my room?  That's a story in itself.  Drop me a line and maybe I'll letcha know.  jsdbrules@aol.com        out.  
  A good little Catholic boy, sitting in church on Sundays with my parents.  The collection basket comes around and my parents dutifully place an envelope into it.  "What do they do with the money?" I ask.  The reply: "They give it to the poor people."  Seemed a logical answer at the time.  The neighborhood had a lot of poor people that could really use that money.  20 years later, those people aren't any better but the Cathloics just finished a $195 million dollar cathedral in L.A.   I don't go to church anymore.  
  in brazil, the cigarette warning labels consist of a full color photo taking up almost the entire back of the pack. there were some of random premie babies and people dying in hospital beds. the one that depicts a man smoking as he gazes out at the ocean, while his five year old son sneaks a smoke from the pack next to him was pretty cool. but the best one was a couple in bed... dude's hands on his head and the woman's crossed in front of her, a really pissed off look on her face. i understood one word on that warning: impotenzia. (spelling may not be accurate)  
  The first time I met this particular aunt-in-law, she called me a heathen mud race, and told me in no uncertain terms what would have happened had I tried to marry HER daughter. So when they moved her into a nursing home, I gleefully helped them clean out her house by claiming all of her prized camera equipment. I don't even know how to load the film.  
  i bet santa clause was orginally a theif who, as well as stealing people's valulables, enjoyed raiding people's kitchens for milk and cookies.   one fateful day, he entered somebody's home via their chimney. unfortunately for him, they had a large plentiful supply of both milk AND cookies. after stealing several precious items, he tried to mak his way back up the chimney - but alas! the consuming of his goodies lead to his downfall - after getting stuck, he had to make up a story about giving them christmas presents (aka other's stolen goodies!) and being named 'santa clause', and that he needed milk and cookies to give him energy.    being the stupid family they must've been, they believed him BANG! another tradition started.  
  He was trespassing on my company's property, selling leather bags and stuff. I grabbed him by the arm so he wouldn't run away, and called the cops. He said he wasn't going to run away, but I knew better.  The cops came, and he rolled up his pant legs to show them his two artificial legs.  
  At the time we were a horny man's fantasy come true but we didn't realize it- Four 15 year-old girls in cheerleading uniforms, smoking cigarettes and walking to a friend's house from the Homecoming parade. A middle-aged guy in a gold 280z pulls up next to us and asks for directions. I'm trying to talk and the other three are shreiking and screaming. "Shut up guys, I'm trying to talk!" "Nik, look!" Yep, he's got it out and is wanking it while talking to me. Then he took off. OK.... I need a beer. Anyone? YES! in unison.  
  Dad: oh so he's ugly Girl: No way, he's cute. I'd so hit it. Dad: oh no! **face of horror** don't tell your dad that!  
  Somehow I never pictured 1999 as being the year it would be considered normal/casual to hear all about anuses, penises, vaginas, masturbation, etc, in the workplace when coworkers tune into The Love Line every night on radio.        
  My senior year in high school we had a student teacher for Econimics class. His name was (Mr.) Rowzee (My school had the habit of dropping the 'Mr' from male teachers names.)  This guy was well intentioned, but he was a lousy teacher.  One day, to illustrate some point or another, he used HANDPUPPETS (FYI they were Bert and Ernie).   If you weren't paying attention he'd do this annoying thing, where he'd tap your desk with two fingers.   Not to mention he carried a lunch box/ backpack thing.  We really hated this Rowzee.  He could barely form a coherent sentence, let alone teach a class.  A typical Rowzee quote would be, "Um...yes, well I uh yes, um okay...that is, um yes, a good, um idea, yes." We drew pictures of him, in class...and showed them to him.  We wrote songs about him ("ROWzee!  You don't have to turn on the red light!" "His name was Rowzee, he had a luchbox, and with his puppet on his hand, he began to give commands...") We complained to our real teacher.  He said that there was nothing he could do about Rowzee, and even though he sucked, we'd just have to put up with him. The moral of this long-winded story? After he got done teaching my class, he dropped out of teacher school, had some sort of break down, and now works at Toys R Us. Way to go class of '02!!  
  The dark-haired guy plugged three quarters into the jukebox, punched some numbers.  Five seconds later, it started to play "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits.  She sang along, half-embarrassed she knew all the words.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   Due to the fact that my life is now neatly compartmentalized between "Work" and "School", I have been finding myself on the couch at night.  My ass splays across the cushions like two mounds of warm dough as I watch TV.  There is a block of pure magic from 11 PM to 12:30 AM: Judge Judy, Change of Heart, and then Love Connection. I wasn't concerned until my roomates began to be sucked into the murk as deeply as I had been...now we all sit around the tv at 11 PM, shouting at the moronic plaintiffs and defendents and hoping that Judge Judy will verbally shred them into pulp. This can't be healthy.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he said lying doesnt negate the fact that i have had a fucked up life i agreed        
  Not my moment really, but there was this guy at varsity that was competing in the nude beer scull up against 2 others guys and a couple of chicks.  He wanted to win, like he really wanted to win...he sculled his beer, pissed into his glass, drank it again, and then again.  Varsity is just full of great memories......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read one of Limbo's posts which contained the word "unselfish," and until I read the whole thing all I could think to myself was "what the hell is an Unsel Fish?"  
  My one friend asked me to piss in a bottle for him since we getting drug tested, and he knew he'd fail cause he was smoking weed.  I gave him 2 1/2 mL of piss full of LSD and cannabis.  I still have that money....  
  My wife and I determined that fresh aloe vera smells like booty-n-onions....  
  a cliche of a beatnik  is that sorry_e_e fella  he has made it so when i fist see a moment i look at the author first  as to avoid his moments  he needs a life  or even his own website of sorry_e_e moments or maybe some e.e. cummings poetry. its the same goddamned material afterall  but thats just what i, the typical smartass thinks  fuck  i need a life too  as to you sorry_e_e  take a long walk on a short pier or reduce your amount of submissions  even just by the littlest bit  for the love of god  :)  
     that would be stress not sress     
  I go shopping but I have no list.  It's always the same...no need for that.  So as I approach the checkout counter with my....  12 Shared Sensation Trojan Condoms   18 Miller Lite Long Neck Bottles  1 Carton of Marlboro Lights in a Box  1 Box of Revlon Ash Blonde Hair Dye  and as I wait in line, the guy in front of me starts talks to me, well talks to my breasts, then the guy behind me talks to me when the guy in front of me leaves...does my grocery list scream dysfunctional easy lay or what?     
  On turning 30....  I have been dreading turning 30 next year.  I have been feeling old.  I had an epiphany this past weekend though....  Women are supposed to hit their sexual prime in their early 30's.  My outlook on turning 30 has completely changed!  The only downside is that men supposedly hit theirs when they're like 18.  Time to start cruising the high schools.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Meeting Ithaca women through personal ads.  Here's part of the ad:   SWM 30's desires just one slim, intelligent, post-feminist woman for long slow romance.  No heels, no makeup, no games, no quickies...    So I meet a Cornell student for lunch. Turns out the only reason she's meeting with me is to lecture me on "sizism."  She goes on endlessly about how "sizism" messes up other womens' heads, just like it messed up hers. She is bitter that she is discriminated against because of her size...  All this from a 5'8", 110 Lb woman whose breath smelled faintly of vomit...  
  waiting in a line to get into a shitty beach club, drunk off my ass... i feel the shit coming.  i realize that it won't wait until i get inside the club.  i have my buddies save me a spot, and duck beachside, and drop trou in the darkness behind a palm tree.  damn, diahrrea.  i take off my boxers to wipe my ass with, and leave them there.  go back to my friends and enter the club commando.  i took a rather fly girl home that night, who liked the fact that i had no underwear.  i, of course, acted like it was intentional.  
  my parents live in upstate NY..also known as: the sticks, the boonies,  east bumblefuck..to the quick of it...I'm driving up some crazy little wooded street when suddenly I see something off to the side of the road..immmediatley I thought "dead deer" but when i actually glanced over I saw a man, an old black man with an all white beard trudging up to the side of the road, dressed in head to toe army fatigues weilding what appeared to be a sawed off shotgun....this all happened so quickly my brain couldn't even wrap itself around the image I'd just seen...then again, it could've been the shrooms  
  just saw a commercial for the movie "scarface."  now, it's 3 days until chrimmas.  the commercial stated that "scarface" is the perfect holiday gift.  yeah, i can see my octogenarian grandma unwrapping that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my friend's holding this bible, one with color illustrations, his pants are unzipped and there's a bottle of KY jelly on the table beside him, I look at him and say "You are SO going to hell dude."  
  Musings on the G-Spot:  I like it (duh).  I like girls with strong kegel muscles (look it up).  It feels somewhat like that rough spot on the rough of your mouth after you burn it with hot pizza.  A cross between that and pruney finger-tips after too long in the pool/hot-tub.  I'm glad not too many men, know where it is.  Makes me look better.  
  The information leaflet that came with my fluoxetine says " Tell your doctor if you wish to become pregnant ".  Don't they get fired for that kind of thing?  
  Recently saw a shirt (or was it bumpersticker, well it does not really matter) that proudly proclaimed, "Bandwagon American Since 9/11/01." My life will not be complete until I have that shirt.  
  Rumor has it that there is Caffine Free Jolt! Cola out there somewhere....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          One side of my family comes from corn country in Ohio, I love 'em but many of them still are rednecks. These are the same cousins I've mentioned in a bunch of other moments for the lowbrow regulars out there. Anyway, about five years ago, my one cousin(about 15 at the time) is argueing with his younger brother (11) about whether or not their BB gun was loaded. Decides to prove it isn't by putting it to his little brother's head and firing. Predictable result, the little cousin still has that BB stuck in his skull all these years later.  
  I'm reading the 'brow, and see an entry from some asshead who likes to blow an airhorn into the phone when telemarketers call. I work in a call centre, allthough we take inbound instead of calling out. Dude, let me give you some advice: do not fuck with those who have your address. Many an annoying customer I've known has recieved trial subscriptions to Hustler, Playgirl, and has had their e-mail address spammed to the nastiest fuckin' porn sites you can imagine. So please, have some courtesy to the guys on the other end of the phone. Because you never know. You may get ME.  
  after finding a hole in the network, and 'peeking' at a few computers using the hole, I found out that a coworker is having an affair with a director in the company. Both are married. The director has children.  Im trying to decide between:  A. anonymously contacting her - just to learn why she is ruining two families.  B. emailing the chat logs to everyone at the company (we use AIM, so everyone knows everyone else's handle, plus it becomes evident once you start reading).  C. informing just the president of the company, hoping I can get to work on the project I want in exchange for information about the gaping hole in the network and the director who is making excuses to fly 1500 miles on company money (we have offices around the country) to carry on the affair.    
  Everyone knows a whore or two...  Some more than others.  
  Still visiting my sister in Vancouver, BC, I'm not very happy about the way she relates to my nieces. The sixteen year-old one is sullen, and won't talk to anyone. I take them out anyway, and we lie on the grass in the sun. Nice time, 'cept she is silent, and keeps completely to herself. I glance over and catch her eye. She: "Yeah? What?" Me: "So when are you going to get out?" She looks stunned: "As soon as I CAN!" Me: "Good." Ten years later, she and I are still best buddies...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I examined a cadaver in a physiology class once.  I was struck by the resemblance between the cadaver's dried-out muscle tissue and beef jerky. I didn't pull the classic cliche about never eating jerky again, but whenever I eat it, I think about that cadaver.  
  Grabbed some McDonald's today...  When I got back to work I wanted to scarf them all down as quick as possible to avoid getting "caught" eating on the floor.  Snatched up the last handful and lo and behold I slam down on one of those hard little fuckers with an edge like a razor blade!  Immediately I check for a minor flesh wound (blood).  What I find in its place is a tooth!  I'm thinking, "What the fuck is a tooth growing in the middle of my mouth?!   As I examine this thing I realize I have no feeling around this tooth and out of agitation start picking at it...  Well it wasn't long before I put some pressure on the side of this newly discovered tooth and...  ... out comes the tip of the french fry!  This whole ordeal has severely fucked with my head.    
  I fed Zima to a Brittish Man, as a night cap from a dinner of Taco Bell.   And we wondered why he thought American's were weird.  
  As I sit reading lowbrow this evening...  My husband is feeding our 8 week old son, Jax.  Jax apparently disagreed with the food.  He threw up no less than 7 gallons of breast milk.  All over the bed, all over the floor, all over my husband.  Do you think it was bad of me to reload one more time before taking the baby from him?  Or that I'm typing this before bathing Jax?  
  I sit here at my computer, thinking of all the things wrong with my life. And all I can do is chain-smoke and watch the virus scan do it's thing. One might think I'd be out there doing something meaningful or perhpas trying to better myself...but fuck it. I'm smoking mass quantities of cigs and and hoping computer don't have a virus  
  At camp we were talking about when we started masturbating.  My counselor said that he had started in the womb.  
   Understanding The Concept:  Bill Graham, introducing B. B. King at the Fillmore West in 1968: "Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the chairman of the board, B. B. King."  Not Understanding The Concept:  M.C. in Chicago, 1966: "O.K., folks, time to pull out your chitlins and your collard greens, your pigs' feet and your watermelons, because here is B. B. King."    
  On the bus, I saw a girl pop her boyfriend's zit for him.  SO GROSS! Popping your own zits is gross, but we all do it. Popping someone else's is grosser, but I know some people who do that for each other in PRIVACY, which is gross enough, but on the fucking city bus?!  She dropped her hat while getting off at their stop.  I kept my mouth shut.  Why should I help her out?    
  Open-mic night at a pretentious coffee house in Nashville. My friend introduces me to a middle-aged woman with big hair, hideous make-up, and 70's-reject ugly clothes. (oops! I mean, "Retro" *gag*)  There I am, dressed in my usual "uniform" of 501's, Redwing workboots, denim shirt, and short spiky hair.  She, without any manners or class whatsoever, looks me up and down in surprise and then says disbelievingly, "YOU'RE a poet???"  Totally deadpan, I reply flatly,  "Yeah.  The cat  Shat  In the hat.  You like it? I wrote it just this morning while I was sitting on the shitter."  The look of shock and horror on her vaguely bovine face was priceless.  I stepped up to the mic later that evening and delivered a fifteen-minute stream of armeggedon orgasm blood fire love death suicide bombs springtime and twinkling stars.  She turned to walk to the stage and I spit in her coffee. I sat in the intimate darkness of the cafe` and chuckled to myself at her sing-song teen-angst pseudo-poetry of unrequited love, while she was interrupted several times by the roaring of the cappuccino machine.   
  Years ago me and some friends were playing a game of toke. (a get high card game) When someone broke the top chamber of the glass bong we were using. We dumped the water in a drinking glass, got a replacement, and continued playing. after several hours of getting severly toasted, I had major cottonmouth. I asked the guy next to me if I could have some of his water. "Oh yeah man, go ahead" he said.   I got about half the glass down before realizing it was the damn bong water. Holy shit that was nasty. Everybody had a good laugh at my expense.  That's OK, I was still pretty high.  
  Are you gonna eat that?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I'm in philosopy class where we write these arguments and then pass them around to other students to grade them.  I used the word "thwart" in a sentance and it came back to me with a comment next to it saying 'spell check or not a word'  Kids today..bless their ignorant hearts.  
  One of the best inventions in the world is the lantern-shaped bug-zapper.  Not only is it a fun and interesting way to get rid of bugs, but it's one of the staples of summer.  Just sit back with a six-pack of your favorite beverage and watch the damned bugs scream mayday 'til midnight.  But what if you're out of shape and need to work out, but still can't get enough of insects dying a horrible electric death?  A portable bug-zapper in the shape of a tennis racket.  I got my dad one for father's day.  It's the most damn fun in the world.  Work on your forearm smash while working out your primal urge to kill things.  You don't even get your hands dirty.  
  Soft peace is in my sky  Round cumulus clouds against truest blue  Or a thousand tiny ones on a hazy day  Or dazzling crystalline stars in the deepest midnight blue  And there are other havens, too  I want to sneak into a fabric store after it closes, and sleep among great bolts of plush fabric. Insular. Inviting. My softest bed.  That movie, Children of Paradise? The French one? If I could only crawl inside that film and live there, that's where I'd spend my days away from all you callous fucks who call the things I love 'douchebag b.s.' forever. I wouldn't miss you, either.        
  Ok, what the hell is so great about having a big cock anyway?        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as she looked up from the floor next to the toilet, she said: "your bed makes me spin, but i can sleep fine on the cold tile." so that is where she slept.  
  Why do men complain and whine and hide when their girlfriends ask them to pick up tampons for them?  I've never understood that.  For one thing, you score enough Sensitivity Points  to have a pretty good shot at turning Period Week into Blowjob Week.  For another, there's also probably no better way to proclaim to random strangers in the grocery store / drugstore / gas station, "hey, check it out, I get laid on a regular basis."  I *like* buying "embarassing items" for girlfriends.  
  My nickname for my boyfriend, is shnookermer......  My nickname for my dog, is shnookermer..    
  on our fourth or fifth date i was on the rag.  he kissed me and i melted against him but whispered, "just so you know, i have my period."  "that's all right," he said, and led me to the bedroom.  at the end of the weekend he looked at me admiringly and said, "i've never created dirty laundry at this rate before."  then i helped him wash the sheets.  
  I start to believe I'm becoming an alcoholic when my stories start off as "This one time, when I was drunk..." and never anything else.  
  if i may quote broken-arm earl from riverton, wyoming: (in regards to his eldest daughter) "yeah, man... it sucks that she's 16 now... i gotta worry 'bout pickin' up on her friends at the bar..."  
  My new boss who is a little older than my son always looks at me breast level. His first two initials are BJ.  Every time he looks at my breasts I think of his initials and mentally shake my head - no no no no no.  
  My right hand hurts. Last week, in lieu of band practice, we rode wheelbarrows off of jumps, leaped off of ladders, shot each other with BB guns, and melted plastic onto our skin.  This is why none of us (especially my guitarist) should own houses.  
  The best laid plans of mice and men amount to a hill of beans when the shit hits the fan.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She's been gone from my life a for while. Cleaned my closet to make room for style. A pair of panties was found from her. There was no smell to help me remember.   
  The man in his late forties, shirt and tie, briefcase at his feet, shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Waiting on line at Genovese with only a box of Preperation H towelettes. Shifting-shifting, doin' the assburn shimmy... The elderly woman in front of him on line keeps arguing with the cashier over an item's sale price. "No ma'am, if you don't have a club card you can't get it for the sale price." I would've bet money the suit would toss his twenty at the cashier and holler, "Keep the change!" whilst shimmying out the door. Alas, I'll never know. I took my small bag of cigarettes & lip gloss and left.  
  He said he had fantasies of killing women since age 7...  I have fantasies of killing MUNI bus drivers, da Mayor, my loud inconsiderate yuppie neighbor who is obsessed with "mall-ternative" music, people who talk on cell phones in restaurants, people who don't give up their seats during commute hours to the elderly, preganant or disabled,  the numerous people who I nearly lost my life to in the crosswalk because they felt their destination was more important than my life...  He won.         
  When we were kids we found out that there was an open crypt in the cemetary that we smoked dope and drank beer in. We went in it a couple times and there were skeletons on slabs. We sat in the tomb one night drinking t qu l  (I don't know where the accent mark goes). "Hand me the bottle." and I reached out in the dark. He handed me a leg bone. Agh.  
  We used to have Xacto Knife throwing contests at my work, until the UPS driver accidentally took one in the leg.  Whoops, sorry buddy.  
  I was in the cafeteria at work one day preparing my lunch, when a subordinate came in.   "Elizabeth," she said, "what do you think about this sweatshirt?", and held up a sweatshirt littered with infantile decals bordered with puffy paint.  "Well, that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life!" I replied with a look of sheer trailer-park horror written across my face.  "Oh" she said, deflated. "I made it myself. It's my mother's Xmas present."  It took me about a month to remove my size 10 foot from my mouth. I can still taste the toenails....   
  A gram of coke is a reasonable amount of white powder. Though I have never put it on a teaspoon, I reckon it would obscure the surface and look meaningful.  A can Coca-cola has more than 30 of these like grams of sugar (though no coke) in each 12 ounce can.  Pepsi has something like 32 spoons like this. Root Beer is up at 42. But the king of the hill is Sunkist "Orange" soda with 52.  Oh, and if you though apple juice was better, wrong!    
  The ex was a full-blown drunk, there wasn't anywhere he couldn't pass out or puke on himself, usually both. So when I came home one evening and found him passed out sitting in the tub with his puked up mess floating around him, I poured in a bottle of ketchup and woke him up, convincing him he must have some internal bleeding going on. He spent the night sitting in the ER, culminating in a proctology exam from a fumble-fingered intern. He came home extremely sore and unhappy.  Condiments are my friends.  
  I was drunk out of my mind at a keg party and, being in no shape to go home, the hosts offered me a bedroom to pass out in.   I wake up at some point with an overwhelming urge to piss, and I was so disoriented that I thought a laundry basket (full of clothes) was a toilet.    Moments after relieving myself and crawling back into the bed, the owner of the bedroom came in and we proceeded to get it on.   Crazily enough, we've gone out a number of times since then. I always find myself wondering if he suspects--or knows--I peed on his clothes and, even worse, wondering if I gave the shirt on his back a golden shower.  
  My buddy always used to say "You can't get AIDS from a toilet seat. Unless you sit down before the other guy gets up!"  Thanks Greg.  
  Exhausting time at the mall. I lick my wounds by hitting up the only bar there. I watch the football game and drink my Guinness, and two young guys sit down next to me. One is small, and looks hard-boiled and nasty. The other is about 6'11", and looks like a Ukranian refugee basketball star, which I figure he is. I talk to them. Turns out the Ukranian is pure American, and doesn't play basketball. We have a grand time, and I reminisce about my youth, when weed was plentiful and free, and I partook. That gets them interested. They buy me a Guinness and shyly ask if I still get high. I smile and sip the Guinness. The hard-boiled one gets bold: "Could you get us high? I'm flying down South in about an hour, and I'd really love to fly first-class." Me: "You guys are in luck. We're outa here." I explain I have to pick up a couple things at stores before we go, so they follow me around dubiously, while I buy some stuff. Then we head out to my minivan in the parking lot. By this time, they no doubt think I'm a butt-fucking sex pervert, but hey, I'm alone in my minivan with a wiry little hard-boiled fucker and a 6'11" monster, so what do they have to be scared about? We sit down in the back. I take out a film canister with about three dime-bags worth of the best weed I've ever had, and feed it to them. Twenty minutes later, feeling no pain whatsoever, the wiry guy has to catch his flight.  I hand him the film canister, and his jaw drops. I say: "Share it with your big buddy, OK?" They: "Thanks! That's really nice of you, but why?" Me: "I just like to spread the wealth, when I have it." And I do.  
  A POEM-  (::ahem::)   Cigarette butt in the lint trap,  Cockroach in the ashtray,  A stripper with Ringworm on her waistline,  From the dollar bills shoved in.       
  So I know this girl for a long time, yet I've never really been "into her" before. I only had recently started noticing her and how much of an amazing girl she is. I've made my casual passes at her and flirted like a devil, but never figured anything could happen.  She's seeing some guy, and I'm invited to go snowboarding with her and him along with a few other friends. We go, and I lose it way too many times and smash my head against the slopes a few times. Soon enough, I can't move without hurting my head.  So we all go back to the hotel room, where I consume about ten Advils and about the same in beers over the course of a few hours. We all eventually pass out on either the floor or beds (me sooner than the others).   Then it happens, I wake up. In bed. Alone. With towels on the floor beside me. With three of them in the other bed and two on the floor. There's also chairs forming a sort of makeshift fence between the two on the floor (the girl and the guy) and myself. At first, I figure I just puked in my sleep and they put towels down on the floor over the mess. Then my buddy wakes up and tells me the best part.  It turns out that I got up in the middle of the night and (still sleeping) started pissing on the desk chair beside the bed. It woke up everybody and they were trying to get me awake. And I just mumbled some drunken banter and ripped my pants and shirt off and went back to sleep. They tried like fuck to wake me up with no results.   That's right, kids, it was sleepwalk pissing. On top of everything else, I pissed just within feet of where the girl and the guy she was seeing were sleeping on the floor. I wasn't so much as embarrassed as I was upset of making myself look like a dick in front of her.  Here's the best part, it turns out the guy was lame and she really wanted me in the end. And on top of that, he convinced her to go for me! Why? On account of the fact that I do such "fucked up" and "exciting" things all the time. Plus, I think he had a small wang or something.  
  Everyone at the bar was sitting with their elbows resting on the padded edgeof the bar.  It was a luxury, and it was as if the creators had envisionedthe comfort of the drinkers that eventually might use it.  An owners manualwas not necessary.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I bought myself a halter top. A halter top. I'm shallow. but i liked the halter top  then this guy asked me about my halter top, and his sister, my friend told him i really wanted a boyfriend.  i'm shallow aren't i.         
  My ex-wife has been spouting this fantasy of hers for the last 15 years (to people that didn't know her in High School) that she's from England.  She starts drinking and talks with a totally fake accent and starts crying about her "dead husband" and "dead brother" and "dead babies" (anyone else seeing a pattern here?) and tries to get guys to feel sorry for her and then marry her so she can sit on her fat ass and do nothing for the rest of her life.  Well, she's a total liar, severely whacked and needs to seek therapy and strong medication.    I'm going to bring her high-school year book to the custody hearing and show the judge what a complete and total psycho you are, so be ready to lose.  
  My girl and i were heading off to class, but we were presenting so we were all dressed up.  I had nice black pants on (my only pair).  We had about 20 seconds to kill before we would be considered late, so we were playing basketball on one of those little hoops you get if you fill out a credit card application.    She shoots, bounces the little orange ball off the rim, and hits a big pump bottle of hand lotion so perfectly that it goes all over my pants.  so it was either on time, with what appeared to be seamen; or late with kahkis on.  I was on time  
  my sister got me with a good prank when i was 6 i asked her to get me a big glass of apple cider, and she got me a big glass of vinegar i took a huge chug of it before i realized what it was  its been 16 years, i think she's forgotten about it, so the revenge will be sweet  
  I went to play pool the other night with one of my friends.    I bet her that if I won, she would give me a blow job, and if she won, I would get her an eighth of pot.  I won, she went down on me.  Too bad I have a girlfriend, and she has a boyfriend, because I would go play pool with her every night.  
  Earlier whilst talking to a net friend of mine from England, I remembered the time I was sharing a bath with my sister and shit. Yes, I know, everyone has done this. But I actually liked splashing the turd her way and then laughing while she cried. She was 4 years older but damn could I make her mad.  
  His parents had taped the movie off tv. It ended, the credits rolled, we sat there talking about it. The screen went to the snow that means nothing is here. Then it popped up with an image of a chair. Then his dad walked onto the screen naked, put a foot up on the chair, and started masturbating.  
  my boyfriend saw e drunk for the first time this weekend.  drinking my maker's and coke his friends were making fun of me for a low alcohol tolerance level.  so my boyfriend, who's quiet, is drinking straight bourbon.  i look straight at the guys making fun of me grab his glass and down it in three second.  nobody else can stand to drink straight bourbon.    the guys look at me say *damn.....* and stop tomenting me.  i think they were sad.  too bad i have a low alcohol tolerance but a damn stronger stomach than them.  were not going to mention that i am at least a hundred pounds lighter.  
  I was sitting at dinner in the dorm with friends when someone said that we were leaving. I decided this was a good time to offgas so I let out about four silent but deadly ones. Just before we were about to stand up, the really hot girl who I have a crush on came over to sit down with us. Needless to say, her visit was a short one.  
  fuck, fuck, fuck a duck,  screw a kangaroo,  fingerbang an orangatang,  support your local zoo!  --Best if recited in Shatner style--  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Young Love In Japan  There's a parasitical worm museum in Tokyo that has become a popular hangout for young lovers(!) (NY Times): "[Nothing] can outdo the museum's pi ce de r sistance: an 8.8-meter-long (28.5 feet) tapeworm frozen for eternity in blue Lucite. The white worm is so long that it fits into the vertical case only by being draped up and down seven times. There's an equally long string nearby if you want to measure it yourself. (Warning to sushi lovers: The tapeworm was taken from the small intestine of a man who ate marinated trout.)"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               spring break of my junior year we all piled into the '87 camareo and decided to go camping after becoming seriously inspired by Mr. Hunter S Thompson one afternoon. somehow, we managed to fandangle ourselfs some acid, a little pot, and some orange juice.  we drove to payson, threw down a tent, ate the acid, and got really weirded out. we ran out of food and water pretty quick, and by 3 am things had gotton kind of primitive. lord of the flys like. we ate at dennys the next morning and drove home.  i'm not sure if it meant anything, but it really was more fun then i've ever had in my entire life.  
  A truancy officer once tried to give me a ticket. While he was asking me information, I kept asking him about his shorts. "Why are they so tight?" "Did you order them like that?" "Do you like wearing tight and tiny biker shorts?" and so on. Apparently, he wrote on the ticket that I was not being cooperative. That guy can go cooperate with......  DEEEEEEZ NUUUUUUUUUUTS!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i showed a friend this site and they lambasted my ass for being lame and reading this crap etc but hes still on my laptop click click click click obviously lamness is communicable click teehee click        
  Feeling down? Or angry?  Get up and literally shake your ass. Now try putting your arms up at your sides while you do it. Seriously.  If you're still feeling as bad as you were, you're having a really bad day. Just go to bed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in first grade, each first grade classroom had its own bathroom.  One day my buddy Josh beat me to the bathroom after lunch. He was in there about 15 mins. I know this because I had to pee really bad and I was watching the clock. He finally came out and I could go in. I walked in and locked the door behind me and turned around and saw that he had somehow laid a huge, fat turd right on the toilet seat.  Well, I didn't have to pee anymore. So I came out an I yelled to the teacher from the back of the room that Josh had missed the toilet. He screamed that he didn't do it and then everyone thought that I did it and was just trying to blame him for my accident  Bastard won Valedictorian when we finished school.    
  I work in a 24hr Mohawk station in my town. Graveyards are the worst because I work in the shittiest area in town. Hookers, Pimps, Pushers, Addicts and the like.  At night I see the Junkies and the Prostitutes come in after they are coming down from thier fix. They rummage through the $.05 candies for all the good ones. Do you know what Crack heads and Prostitutes do with thier hands?  Anyways, in the mornings I see the kids come and get $.05 candies before school. I would never buy $.05 candies from my store.  Fuck me, my life sucks.  
  the first time me & jon took lsd we ended up fixing a friend's flat tire, while she went to work, in the middle of a heat wave. when we dropped her car off, she refused to give us a glass of water to cool down.  
  I went to visit the States once.  I asked what the gun laws were. She said "Your only allowed to buy one a month." I laughed.  She said "Americans don't find that funny." I laughed harder.  I'm not sure if it was that funny or if I was just really afraid  
  Pimp wannabe and his megabass car stereo come home drunk as fuck at 2AM last night. Staggered inside and left the car window open. It begged for the garden hose.  I love it when they beg.  
  after a good session of morning sex i lay on top of her just staring in to her eyes... thinking how my life has changed so much recently and she says to me "your weiner is twitching"  
  Thoydy doydy boyds sittin on the coyb...choypin and boypin and eatin doyty oythworms...along comes hoyby from thoyty thoyd and thoyd...saw the thoydy doydy boyds choypin and boypin and eatin doyty oythworms...boy was he distoybed  
   Co-Counselling #2  A late 1980's idea where groups of slightly-fucked-people would get together with a "professional" counselor, and cure themselves.  (Weird, so far, but pure LowBrow, with body-fluids, so keep reading, or not, as you prefer...)  It sometimes got boring, listening to dull strangers talk about their pets, so I would amuse myself by staring at the amazing chest of an Olympic-class gymnast who was one of us. Came time to pick partners for one-on-one sessions at our houses, later.  Don't it make you wish co-counselling was still around?)  Shy time, but Miss Olympic Chest spoke up and selected me. Days go by, then she drives out to my farm. We talk for awhile, about our various problems (yawn...). We try to stick by the co-counselling rules ( absolutely no body contact, not even hugs! ), but we fail, miserably. She suggests I show her my farm. We end up in my 1860's barn, with the moon shining in the door. She stands awfully close. I give in (oh, what a sacrifice!). I take her in my arms, squeeze her tight, and kiss her. We get into an extended kissing 'n hugging session, leaning against the ancient oak beams in the moonlight. When I hug her tight once again, I remark that, every time I hug her, it seems like her legs start to wrap around me. She: "Oh, you noticed? Yeah, I can't help it..."   
  I feel sorry for toilet paper. Today I wiped, and threw the paper into the bowl full of poopie water. As I watched the shitstained paper sink into the brown depths of the toilet, I felt sorry. Kinda like watching the Titanic sink. I couldn't do anything about it.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Two bottles of wine  Two forties of malt liquor  Slept in pizza box  -Haiku by Doug     
  a chill ran up her spine as dizzy reed began his tremolo on the keys, signifying the closing coda of 'november rain' -- the one guns n' roses song that had taken over her adolescence at multiple points. she owned no less than five bootleg copies of the track, her favorite version being the one that was simply axl singing with his piano. she appreciated the grandiosity of the officially recorded version, but there was something about the solo that was pure, and that stuck in her heart.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was driving too fast but she pulled out in front of me and sped up to the red light less than a hundred feet away screech i missed her and the two guys on the curb i got out and walked over she obviously didnt want to hear it i asked her to be careful she stopped stunned we could have killed your three kids youve got kids in your car please be careful said i she stared her kids all pre teen looked up at me like fuck we couldve just got killed         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were sitting in booth in a restaurant.  I was telling him about something that had happened to me at work that day, when suddenly he makes this lip-smacking sound.  I see that his eyes are focused at a point behind me and above my head.    I turn around to look at the television that was suspended from the ceiling, and I see that annoying (and somewhat disturbing) jeans commercial featuring teenaged girls with very flat stomachs and cgi-generated singing bellybuttons.  I turn to look at him and finish what I was saying, but his eyes are still focused on the TV behind my head.  I ponder the possibility of a television commercial that could cause a man to become more self conscious about his four-inch penis.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sure, I know its a nasty habit, but a cigarette after sex feels oh-so-good.  
  "Begsn" is a typo.  "Begun" is just bad grammer.        
  i was watching some awards show in about the fifth grade or so, and i had the caption on.  madonna came on and called something 'the bomb diggity.'  the caption caught it as 'the bomb dignity.'  i haven't heard the phrase the same ever since.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Squinting up at her on the balcony, back-lit by a streetlamp, I decided, yup, she's a man...  
  She rode me well and passionately.  When she came, it was powerful and grand.  Or at least, it would've been except that her bladder let go all over me and the bed.  
  I was driving home from work the other day when I passed a chain-gang. You know who I mean, the inmates working on the side of the road.   I went to high school with three of them.  
  What is it about Huey Lewis and the News that is so seductive? I can't understand it. I just recently got some of the News. And I can't stop listening to it. Is it the upbeat rythms? Or the happy, nonsensical lyrics? Or is it Back to the Future? I can't understand it.  All I know is that I can't get enough. Kenny Loggins is the same way.  Any ideas?   
  i went on a drug raid with our local SWAT team, they arent really SWAT but SORT, "Strategic Operations Resource Team or something" anyway.  We get up to this house 10 extremely heavily armed bad asses with helmets and MP5s "really cool automatic rifles".  We bust down the door and file in.  Only to find an elderly couple watching some talk show.  We apologize and back out slowly.  We went next door to the real drug house.   I will never forget the look on there faces as 10 heavily armed men point rifles at there heads.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The company's situation is so bad that it no longer furnishes coffee to its employees...  But, from somewhere, a member of Operations found a supply of coffee and filters.  I had problems opening the bag of unfamiliar coffee and giggled at the ill-fitting filters provided. Then I thought, "Bless you, sweet Operations employee for allowing us workaholics another week of free coffee."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fun thing to do to take the edge off dealing with the various assholes you meet at temp jobs: Fake interest and find out a story from their past, then write their name, phone number, and a hint of that story in any and all bars you visit. "Jasmine- 555-1234- ask her about her "kitten" Muffy. "    
  "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."   Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc. (1989)   
  i bought a dozen fake roses for $1.33 for a girl i like. valentines day is friday. i also bought a sticky hand to flip around in the halls and at people.  
  Today my boss yelled at me for listening to "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash at work.  Said it wasn't appropriate.        
  i retorted "jeez, you're slower than a turtle with down syndrome for christs sake!" which was the exact same moment that i remembered  my teacher, who was standing next to me  had a son who had down syndrome  
  One drunken night, I stopped with two friends to grab some McDonald's burgers. We ate next to a campus bus stop across the street. Eventually we took turns pissing behing the bus shelter while the others watched for passers-by.  The next morning I woke up and couldn't find my wallet anywhere. On a hunch, I biked past the bus stop.   There was my wallet, laying in the grass in broad daylight, glistening with dew.  Well, at least I hope it was dew.     
   Limbo Gets Married, Part III  Later in the evening, when there's only about 50 people left, my new Dad-In-Law asks me if I've seen his wife. Me, stupidly: "I think she's with your kids." He wanders off, and inevitably finds the four of them by the side of the house, smoking a doobie. He goes ballistic and starts to dump on his wife for being an enabler. He recruits me as his moral backup (!), but I'm his brand-new son-in-law, so I go along, and scold them earnestly, sort of. The LowBrow here is that almost immediately after, he was diagnosed with glaucoma. His doctor recommended he find a source of marijuana somewhere, so he had to go begging to his wife and kids for a hit...   
  if your mother was fat and listened to Lionel Ritchie would you love her less as opposed to when she was thin and listened to Aerosmith?  
  I have this friend that has always gotten into the wierdest sexual problems.  A good friend of his turns out to be a swinger and wants him to fuck his wife while he watches.  Another time this guy he knows shows up to get high. He then asks if he would like to make a movie with his girlfriend. The cat even had the lights and camera in his trunk. They wanted my friend to wear one of those leather masks with zippers.  I wish some of that shit would happen to me....  
  i made up a new drink.  take one part chocolate tequila liquer shit and mix with three parts fresca.  it tastes like orange creme something-or-other.  i named it vomit.  make one, and you'll know why.  
  Standing at my register waiting to check out the next customer, I hear the assistant manager and the check out supervisor snickering.  I look up and much to my horror there is some god awful pervert standing by the door staring at me and playing a game of "pocket pool", know what I mean?  I turned beet red and asked to go on break.  This was not one of my shinig moments.  
   You know how on that old Dukes of Hazard show, they'd always win a race by driving the General Lee off something stupidly ridiculous, getting completely airborn and landing in front of their opponent, who then panics and veers off the road?   I did that once, in a Toyota Camry.  
  I'm lying (laying?) in my friend Luke's bed with him, and he's more drunk than he should be...  My best friend Cy, a gay boy, is in bed with us too - it's a nice big bed.  And the three of us lay (lie?) there in the semi-darkness, touching each other.  My best friend is kissing my stomach, and Luke is running his fingers lightly up and down my arm.  Someone's hand is in my hair, and someone is kissing my neck, and I'm feeling incredibly warm and comfortable and turned on.  And Cy gets up and leaves me in the bed alone with Luke.  "Could I get that kiss now?" he asks, and I don't want to say yes and I don't want to say no... so I just smile and hide my face in a pillow.  And he takes that for a yes, and we end up making out.  A lot.  And Cy leaves the party, leaves me there to spend the night...  and then acts surprised the next day to find out that Luke and I hooked up.  Hello?!  You get me all hot and bothered then leave me in a bed with a drunk straight boy and think nothings going to happen?  Gay boys sometimes have no common sense!  
  Five years ago: Bowling with a friend of mine and a couple of girls I had just met.  I had worn my favorite worn pair of jeans.  I sucked at bowling, but I didn't care, I was in my prime and I was dazzling the ladies. I was aiming for a spare, and my jeans tore at the crotch.  Front to back. I went home shortly after that.  
  talking about tattoos:    ME-  that's cool but i am gonna get my foreskin pierced.  JK-  eeewwww, you've got foreskin?       
  once upon a time, i had a girlfriend.  we were about 16, our parents never gave us any privacy, typical suburban overprotection.  when we finally got to be alone on my couch for the first heavy makeout session, we went at it.  only thing is, she had never made out before, so she kept opening her mouth really wide and sticking out her tongue.  all i could think about was that scene from "Alien" where the inner head stretches out of the buggers mouth.    lesson learned - when you crack up while trying to make out, NEVER say your girl reminds you of a horrible outer space horror movie.  it's not worth the trouble.  just say she was tickling you.  
  My biggest secret is that I actually like all those dumb boy bands.        
  Lil elvis?  Mr. Hopeful?  The Glorious Beast?  Personally I prefer "The Stabasaur". Very apt as he's a primal beast, never under my control and always rearing his ugly head when least wanted  
  When I was little my mother kept trying to tell me my freckles were angel kisses.  One day I finally said, "no way mom, an angel sneezed on me!"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Pepsi blue turns your shit green if you drink enough of it.  I for one will be happily decorating public toilets this St. Patrick's Day.  
  what i really hate is when you forget your password for aol. see what they do is you click a link then enter your screen name and it'll email you your password. but how am i supposed to get my password if i don't remember it to sign online??   fuck you aol, fuck you  
  Women always says "men have it so easy they don't get periods or give birth."  They can get bent.  I have ulcerative colitis.  Which means *ahem* I bleed about 100 drops of blood from my ass everytime i shit.*  Then in 30 years i will get colon cancer and die a slow painful death.  So to you women who complain, shut the hell up.     * I don't usually call it ass bleeding i call it "Shining"  (Think of the movie shining when the blood flooded through the doors) *cough*    
  I can't stress enough how much you NEED to start smoking.  If for nothing else, it is natures perfect appetite surpressant.  If you knew the wonders of that after sex/dinner/orangejuiceinyoureye cigarette, you'd be lighting up right now.        
  -beep-  "Ugh! Pick up the phone! Why are you not there? I'm standing in the middle of Costco in Arlington and cartons are on sale for $23.50. Yes, you heard me right- two, three point five-oh. I'm getting you soft pack cuz that's all they've got unless I hear from you in the next five minutes." -click-   
  i got out of class today and rewarded myself for a semester well spent by getting branded and stoned.    
  I wonder if McDonald's employees have inside jokes like "I gotta go use the McToilet" or "The smell of these fries makes me want to McVomit".  
  There is a fish in South American fresh waters that has been known to swim into urethras that are expanded during urination.  
  My wife and I went to a lingerie shop together and the clerk caught us having sex in the dressing rooms.  We have since been barred from that particular mall.   
  So I'm standing at a urinal at the county fair.  Rednecks, white trash, and general grossness are over capacity.  I'm staring at the yellowed wall in front of me doing my best not to smell the funk of the humid toilet but unfortunately my ears were wide open.  "Dude... so did you bone that little mexican chick you were dancing with?"  "Fuck no man... she's a bad piece of butterscotch pie.  I'm goin' after that squid girl.  She looked more my thing" (I have no idea what this means)  "Dude... did you get her number?  Fuck!"  "Fuck yeah dude... I'm going to get her pussy to the plate if I have to knock her out first."  "Dude... she had the best pink nipples..."  "Fuck you man... you didn't see her tits!"  (They proceded to fight about who saw more of her breasts down the top of her blouse that fateful night.  As I left the bathroom... it sounded like they were about to come to blows.  These were grown men, well dressed and well groomed, in their late 20's or early 30's wearing matching Charter Communications polo shirts. I think I'll be going with another service...)  
  What wouldn't Jesus do?  
  cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com you are my hero.  I wont stop reading lowbrow until I get at least one of your moments. Even if it's one I've seen before, I read and walk away satisfied.  
   I met my husband on a very troubling day in June.  It seems he had misken my house for someone he had a beef with.  I came outside after hearing an alarming noise.  I found him repeatedly pulling in my driveway and hitting my car. When I asked him what was going on he said "You're not Bruce?"  Your right I'm not but we went out that night and have been together ever since.       
  Just split up with my girlfriend.  Gambled till dawn at the casino.  Took a walk in the morning to stay awake and think things over.  After realizing the shittiness of Starbucks, I crossed the street to a not-multinational/shitty coffeeshop.  As I crossed, I watched a 7 year old lead a blind man to the middle of the busiest street in town.  He said it had happened before.  I wish I could have adopted that kid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was at my boyfriends house one night, when I had to take a NASTY shit.   We were in bed, and seeing that the only bathroom was an adjoining one- in between he, and his roommate's bedrooms-I opted for plan B.   "Where are you going?" he said. "I'm having a hard time sleeping.  I'm just going to go for a little drive- it always seems to help."  I throw on a pair of his boxers, some shiny, gem, studded tanktop of mine and flew out the door.    The first gas station was closed. I had to drive another 12 blocks or so to the next one.    Beads of sweat began to roll down my face. I was cramping and violently trying to clench my ass so this runny shit would not splooge out.   I go tearing in to 7-11, with full sparks coming from the bottom of my car as I scrape over the curb.  I get out and try to act as casual as possible, despite the group of young hoods that are loitering out front of the store.   "Can I use your bathroom please?" I go in and let loose.  I must have been in there for a good 10 minutes- gas, diarrhea, the works.    I come out, and seeing that I'm the only customer in the store, I figure I should buy something.   I get a single serving of milk, and a bottle of Robotussin.       
  Conversation with my grown children regarding employment:  Daughter: "What do you mean, I have to commit to my job?" she asked my son.  Son: "Well, it's sorta like being married." (He's not and has never been married.)  Daughter: "Oh no, I could never be married to my job. Nobody does that."  Son: "Sure they do. Ask mom."  Me: "Huh? What? Now wait just a minute."   
  Guys:  The next time you feel all clever because you caught a glimpse of cleavage, or thigh, or panty, remember this cold reality:  Every woman, everywhere, knows (down to the square inch), exactly how much flesh and underwear they have showing, from any angle, at any time.  There is no point in confronting them, however -- they'll just lie to you and look aggrieved.    
  im learning spanish   so next time i wake up south of the border   i can find out how i got there  
  I have smelled the ass of satan.  I think the Devil has eaten a few too many chili peppers.        
  A friend of mine told me that one time when he went up to Canada, a shop he went into sported a Hello Kitty dildo.  I don't know who's more fucked up: the Canadians for buying it, or the Japanese for making a dildo based on a kid's show.  
  Dead Bunnies Haiku #666  As soon as it stops twitching,  I apply a little  K Y Jelly   And get to know it  biblically   (apologies to john_clavis@yahoo.com)  
  The first time I go laid I tore my foreskin. I went in to the hospital to get stitches, and they gave me laughing gas before injecting the freezing. I then drove while high on laughing gas. The stitches were supposed to dissolve in two weeks; they were gone in three days. I still have the scar. I'm glad my girlfriend likes scars.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         getting stopped by the police and busted for a $3.00 bad check warrant - $750.00  getting strip searched and finger waved because of all the parafenalia you have in your pockets and wallet - embarassing  smoking the 3 roaches in the jail cell  that you had in the pockets of your Kangaroos (running shoes with pockets) that they missed - priceless  
  That's it.  No more Miss Nice Guy.  I'm gonna grow me some long legs, inject a gallon of silicone in each tit, learn to giggle and bat my eyes like a moron, and treat all men as if there were a thousand other jerks lined up around the block just waiting for me to treat them like shit.  Maybe then I'll get laid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My girlfriend rear-ended a car on the highway, around 40 miles an hour.  The kid's parents were taking him home from the hospital where he had just gone through intensive brain surgery.  
  i yelled "crackheads! come here!" out the back door because the dogs were taking too long to come inside.  then i wondered what i would do if suddenly the forty 30 year old mexicans next door came running over...  
  a well heeled and rather largehearted ex casanova once told me that  if you play love as if it is a game all you will get is games and no one really wins personally i have found that if you play love as a game all you get is gamey you know like the smell of a recently shot deer hanging in the garage after an unpredicted indian summer hits with three days of plus seventy degress gamey i mean really do we need anymore of that qm         
  The new guy at work today came out of the bathroom and said it wouldn't flush.  I went in and hit the handle.  It worked fine.  I told him you have to hold it down a second.  He said "Oh, you have to hold it down?  Ok."  God forbid that my life should ever be at the mercy of this guy's quick thinking.  It's pretty well established I'd be as good as dead.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a lazy saturday. Bought honey, tomatoes and flowers at the farmers market. Found a few books at the local used book shop. chatted w/ friends, did laundry, took a nap... and had the hottest dream about getting my toes sucked by a man with a stubbly face that tickled my foot.   
  i am a barrista a.k.a. coffee slinger at THE well known coffee store. you think you hate US? well, these are some of the dipshit conversations i have to put up with at the register...  me:"hello sir what may i help you with" *customer places order in thick redneck accent...appears to be finished* me:"is that all sir?" customer:"c'est tout." wife of customer, also in thick hick accent:"ed, she dont know what that means, why else do you think shes back there makin our coffee?" me in flawless french accent:"merci, monsieur. ton ordre serait prete en moment." *eyes of both customers drop out of their heads* yeah, i work here during the summer and yeah i make your coffee. but that is just so i can make ends meet for the rest of the year while im attending college at an ivy league university. and no, my higher education does not keep me from going out of my way to make sure your drink tastes like the bottom of an old ashtray drenched in piss. so be nice to those of us who work in the food service industry. dick.   
  So I'm 8. I'm visiting my friend's house for the first time.  He takes me in to his room and points to this jar filled with murky fluid.    "Go check it out," he says  Being the jackass that I was, I go peer in to the jar.  Suspended in the center is this shriveled looking mass of random tissue.  I look back at my friend and he's got this proud, shit-eating grin on his face.  Apparently the kid was born with three testicles. Now he only has two...  yuck  
  New Year's Eve.  A friend of mine had drunk a whole bottle of Cook's Extra Dry champagne.  Needless to say, she puked it all back up.  Coming out of the bathroom, she informs me that she had used my toothbrush.  Damn, I'm glad she told me.  
  my friend, in elementary school, bounded into her mother's car.    "Hold this," she said, putting a small, white, roundish object into mommy's hand.    As she got herself situated in the car, her mom popped the item into her mouth, thinking it was a Cert mint.  the mother's face twisted into a grimace at the taste in her mouth.  "MOM!"  my friend screamed.  "YOU ATE MY LIZARD EGG!!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I love video games. I have since I was eight and I bought my Nintendo with my savings. A whole hundred dollars, but that's neither here nor there.   Now, fourteen years later, I have begun reliving my childhood along with many others. There are people out there who remix classic video game music. As I have no talent, I just listen to it. A lot. Recently I discovered one labeled "Prolouge" and began to listen to it. Half way through the music changed from the actual prolouge to a reworking of the same theme for the closing credits. I cocked an ear and looked at my girlfriend and said "That's not the prolouge! That's a part of the concluding theme as the characters are reflecting over all the shit they went through." She looked at me and then looked down at her coffee.   I need to talk less.  
   We sat on the smooth linoleum, loosely gathered around the kitchen.  The talk focussing on high school reminiscence, evilly shaped potatoes, feministic masogenists, and every other type of mundane cereal-box philosophy.  And then,  right out of the blue, like some super-star-studded-Romeo, he demanded that she let him lick the freckles off her skin. No joke. He wanted to lick each and every single fucking one of them until they came off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  I too have a DXM story.  I have done this once. And it may have been my last time as well. Everything was wonderful. Except that your head itches. And it won't stop just by scratching it. I made my head bleed. But then they gave me a highlighter and told me to write on the wall.  Everything was better then. I wrote swear words a plenty on the walls of the attic. On the ground were pieces of bright green paper. Under the black light they looked like portals into another world. After I realized I couldn't enter them I picked one up and began to write. The mixture of the sound of the highlighter on the paper and the first track of the first Spiritualized album made me come like a woman.   And life has been better ever since. I won't do that again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one night, a couple of years ago, i was really horny. i just finished jacking off for the first time of the night, and remember a really cool websight i found on the internet, with lara croft from tomb raider naked. so, i went down stairs, not thinking that the motion detected lights would go off, and wake my mom. at the time, she was suspicious of my, and probably thought that i was going to go downstairs to smoke some pot or something. so, im down stairs and im looking at a picture of Lara Croft, naked, spread eagle, and she is saying something along the lines of "fill me up, im so wet" or something or other. so im starting to jack off, and i hear a little flicker, possibly a light going on, but i figure, hey its probably the cat or something. so i continue doing my business, when, in mid-stroke, i see my mom out of the corner of my eye. My heart stopped for a minute out of embarrasment, and the picture is still on the screen and my dick is in my hand. then she gives me this speach about how "jacking off" can become a bad habbit. the only thing i could think of to say was...i wasnt jacking off, i was adjusting myself. needless to say...She didnt buy it  
  One time when I was in high school, my girlfriend and I were having a make-out session in the car late at nite, parked in front of her house.  We had the radio on and I guess we lost track of time.  Next thing we know, I try to start my car and the engine was dead.  We had to go in and wake her dad up to get the jumper cables and explain why the windows were fogged up and my engine was dead.  
  Sitting on the shitter, drunk, stoned, alone. door open.  blasting Satanic Heavy metal and screaming along with it.  My life fucking rules.  
  I was a precocious child who loved reading. I would read anything I saw; magazines, labels, signs... When I was in the second or third grade, my mom and I were looking around in a dollar store and I started reading signs behind the counter.  "Mom," I said, quite loud enough for anyone in the store to hear me, "what's a condom?"  "Shhh!"  "But why won't you tell me? WHAT'S A CONDOM?"  Next thing I knew, I was sitting on a bench outside my house and my mom was showing me a book with lots of pictures of fetuses in it. I guess that's how I learned about sex.  
  another gas station condom machine quote:  "my dad said these don't work."  
  I'm sitting at home watching TV one day, mom's asleep in her bedroom and dad's at work. Anyway, my mom recently started  going to weight watchers with a friend of hers but since stopped because she hated the people there.  Phone rings. "Hello, this is Sue at Weight watchers calling for So-and-so, is she around?". I go into my mom's room and tell her about the call. she doesn't want to talk to them. I ask if I can have some fun with it. she says yes.  I get back on the phone and say "My mom died two nights ago in a car crash." "Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I didn't know!" "Yes, well, we're trying to get over it and plan the funeral, so she won't have need of weight loss services just now. Thanks. bye."  30 minutes pass. phone rings. "Tom? Is your mother ok?" It's her friend that she originally went to weight watchers with. "Yeah, she's watching Oprah. Wanna talk to her?" "Yes!"  I hand the phone to my mom and she chats with the lady. Apparently Weight Watchers called the friend to talk about it and the friend totally flipped out about it, thinking that my mom died.  My dad and I laughed out asses off about that when he got home later that night.  
  After my first martini:  That tastes like a blowjob, but without all the fun...  
  First thing to do at a new temp job is establish with your supervisor, in a casual way, is that you have an overactive bladder. Next, wear jackets or sweaters with big pockets. Then, whenever you get bored, you just cruise to the restroom with your latest paperback and pass a non-work, muchlessboring 15 minutes.  Much easier than staring at the computer screen pretending to be interested in some powerpoint thing.  
  Just for kicks I ordered in spanish at Taco-Bell. When I pulled up to the window, I felt I couldn't continue the spanish charade. I was not aware the drive-up girl knew jibberish too.  
  She looked at me her eyes almost tearing.  Mine were wet but it was the fumes from the damn whiskey which I should have known better than to slug like I did.  The summer air and the night didnt help any and though I knew she wanted me and I wanted her so bad in the end I got only too drunk wratchet jawed about the Dharma and Li Po.    In the morning she was gone and I cursed myself a damn fool until I found behind a rock at the edge of our little camp site the other bottle of Tokay she had hidden from me sometime after midnight.        
  i got my friend a gag-gift (i thought).  Its a vibrator that has a car adapter.  So ... a couple days later, a bunch of us are going to the beach, and i make a joke about her using the vibrator while driving before this crowd leaves from the dorm.  i'm following her and people are following me, and i see her car swerving every 5 - 10 minutes.  This happens like 4 times.  at the beach, i borrowed her car to get more beer.  and i checked the glove box to bum a lighter ... and the vibrator was in the box.  it all makes sense now.  damn.  
  My boyfriends birthday was yesterday. His mom walked in to his bedroom to find me giving him his birthday present.  
  At Barnes and Noble, the checkout lady says: "would you like to be a member of our frequent buyer's discount club for $20?"  I say: "No, but if you give me $30, I promise not to go to Border's for the next 30 days".  That cracked the lady in line behind me up.  
  Late one night at a party in high school, suddenly we all hear a girl's screams coming from the upstairs bedroom, where one of the football players was having sex with his girlfriend.  Everyone at the party bursts into the room, where the girl is lying naked on the bed, still screaming, and the guy is apologizing incoherently and trying to clean things up.  The room reeks of shit, and there are tiny bits and drops of liquid shit all over half the room, all over a wall, a dresser, the guy's back, the floor, the ceiling, the girl's crotch.  Seems the guy had to fart real bad while he was on top of the girl, and since the music at the party was kinda loud he thought he could just sneak out a huge fart and she wouldn't notice.  Only it wasn't just a fart, it was about a gallon of diarrheaa, propelled by fart gas, shot out his ass with fire hose velocity.  Like another of my friends says, "never trust a fart".   
  I sharpened my trusty Swiss Army Knife on the butcher steel at work.  Nice and sharp.   That way, when I come home and my feet are all soft and wet I can carve the callouses off with a smooth slice.    The trick is, take off as much as possible without drawing blood.    That's entertainment.        
  For about a year, I would go out and party every night to escape my miserable existence.  Every morning brought me back to reality, as I stumbled around mentally questioning,   "What happened last night?"  "What part of town am I in?"  "Who's THAT guy?"  "Where does he keep the asprin?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just clicked reload about 100 times until I came across a cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com  post.. haha.. I wanna meet this girl.   
  The Mormons have a webform where you can request them to come to your door:  http://www.mormon.org/request/1,10161,1414-1--792,00.html  You kids have fun now.  
  It was the first blindingly-bright day of the Summer and I popped into Revco to buy some cheap sunglasses.  She was 70 or so, dressed very neatly.  She showed me where the mirror was and we chatted for several minues, me with a big price tag sitting on my nose.  When I said that I'm in medical research she looked at me like a I was a hero.  I just smiled and left her to her fantasies.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I was home alone one night, bored and horny. I looked over at the dog and got a good idea. So I put some dog food on my crotch and let the dog lick it off. My mom came home and found me. We haven't spoken of that moment ever since.  
  While Jerking off one day, the most horrible thing ever happened to me.  As I blew my load, the image of my mothers face moaning as she had the orgasm that spawned me flashed into my mind and stayed there.  Vomiting. A few cold showers.  I have not looked at porn or jerked off since.  
  His hat and beard gave him an avuncular, even professorial, look. His alcoholic breath could have sterilized surgical instruments. Four blocks later, the passengers pointed out that he might want to start the meter. Which he did. Chatty the way drunks are, he hypnotized himself listening to the various spins he could put on the same thought. Did I mention he repeated himself?  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  The last time me and a couple buddies got shit faced drunk we all finally passed out in my room. As I woke up in the morning my blanket was wet. So I said "Damn peanut, did you spill a beer in here?", and he said "no, your just sweating". Yeah right I was f*ckin freezing. So I got up and went to sleep in the living room. Just then he comes out and is like, "dude, I'm gonna have a bbq later on, just come over and I'll buy everything". I was a little puzzled because he was being a little generous and he would'nt stand straight forward and was in a hurry to leave, kinda like he was hiding something. So as he takes off, I roll back into my room to see the blankets all neat amd shit. As I lift the blankets there is a f*cking puddle of piss.   Somethings just can't be forgivin.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         First time with the coke. At my friend Dan's place after work, to help him move into his new place. His roomate's dad show's up with the van, but the rommate doesn't, so the move never happens, and the dad leaves. Dan breaks out some nice real Columbian shit. Cuts a not so big line for me to do my first sniff of. He's telling me it's very good shit, and puts on some dark electronica in the backgroud. Suddenly I feel like I am in an after school special on tv. I do my line and sit up. I ask him how long it takes to kick in. He says it's not too fast. Maybe 30 secs or a min. By 1:30 I am flying, nervous as hell, and freaking out in a panicy kind of way. Dan is quite nervous, too. I stand up, walk around, ask for water, pace, head to bathroom where I drop to my kness and drop back so my shins and back and head are all touching the floor, limp. He think's I od'ed. I am still concious and with his help I make it to his bed where I lie down. Just a little freak out that almost gave him a heart attack. We chatter away rightly for a while as I come to grips with it. Not 20min after the fall in the bathroom - which left me with a nice bump on my head - I like it.  I have done it less than 5 times in the years since then. It's not my bag, really. But I just couldn't let that be my only time. I couldn't let the shit own me like that.   
  I don't why dude decided to show us his mom's big ass pink bumpy vibrator, all we ever did was torment and harrass him endlessly, in the merciless and brutal way that 12 year old boys can. He HAD to have known we would use it against him in some way. Nope, he really was that freakin dumb... months later, as dude and his hillbilly family are starting to pack they're crap up to move to a nice new double wide, Patrick has a stroke of genius... He spends the night over there, braving the roaches and dude's creepy pops (Billy D. Williams, no shit, that really was his name) and sneaks mawmaws big pink bumpy horror (the thing was huge) out of the bathroom, and slips it under dude's mattress. Fast foward a day or two, and both of us are helping carry boxes and crap out to the pick-up. We both nearly crap everytime the beds are mentioned, barely able contain ourselves. Then FINALLY, Billy D on one end of bed pulling the mattress off the bed, making ready to carry it out. At the other end of the bed, dude's FREAKIN GRANPA, ready to help carry the mattress. Dude and his mom still picking up crap and throwing it into boxes. Patrick and me standing there, cramming ourselves in the doorway, damn near about to die from the sweet anticipation. And then, it happens. IT happens. Theres a solid 4 D-cell plastic-y thunk on the floor, and a sound not unlike one of those big R. King Special maglites rolling across the floor. The room freezes. patrick and me are purple. Seriously. A big pink bumpy atrocity in front of granpa, god, n everybody. And of course, Granpa, who fought in the war, tough as old leather and kinda smelled the same, was the only one who had the balls to ask waht everyone was dying to know..." What the gawdamn hell is that gawdamn thing?" Dude just started bawling. Me and Patrick beat the shit out of each other thrying to get out of the fucking house, tears streaming from our eyes, our stomaches hurting, heads pounding, ohman did we laugh. I nearly threw up  i laughed so hard.  
  My friend Ted  WILL  make beer pong a nationally recognized sport.  I guarantee it.  And his children will take it a step further and it will become part of the Olympic games.      
  From another post: Naming a strip club the "Booby Trap" is about as classy and subtle as naming it the "Arse Hole."  In Corning, NY, there is a upscale bar frequented by Corning&reg; professionals.   It's called "The Glory Hole."  Supposedly, the glory hole is something to do with glassmaking.  Yeah, right.  The local nickname for the place is The Corning&reg; Pussy  
  So, I'm taking this Technical Writing course at the university. Somebody I knew from childhood is taking it with me. After class, he comes over to talk with me.  "Hey, remember that time we told you to go break into the elementary school, and you came back an hour later saying you did?", he asked. "How did you do it?"  I wish I could have answered him, but I don't remember that at all. Sure, I remember breaking into the school, but I don't remember a group of people asking me to do it, or how I did it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.  So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.  I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal,etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."    
  My friend's parents had just told him that they were getting a divorce so the soonest I could get off from work, I was over there. I spent the weekend with him.  He was fooling around with a girl I used to hang out with a flirt with a lot. I didn't mind.   I woke up one morning on his couch with the girl throwing spice drops at me. I would fall asleep and wake up again with more spice drops around my head. Finally I grabbed a set of keys and threw them at her when she did it again. I hit her in the head.   Apparantly this was just after my friend and her had just fucked in his bedroom. Oh well, I figure.   The girl invites me to a threesome. I decline. I'm not homophobic, but I'm not exactly comfortable sharing a sexual experience with my best friend.  20 minutes later, they're back at it again. I'm going to the bathroom to see if my wallet is in there and she's moaning. But only her. I figure he's got his face buried with her thighs.   They don't come out for almost an hour.   I left the house to go see someone else. Never was I so lonely as at that moment.   
  I was driving down Route 110, or maybe it was 34, and I pass by this little shack. The sign had a picture of the Virgin Mary, and it was called  Our Lady of Sorrows . It was a liquor store. There truly is a God, after all.  
                                                   someone i knew once came to see me tonight.  he had stopped using drugs and wanted me to know.  he brought his new girlfriend, and we talked about his ex.. when the baby was due, how she wouldn't talk to him..shit like that.   i made him leave after 15 minutes.   i checked the couch for dope when he'd gone.    
  I work in a 6x8 foot room filled with graphic arts materials and a G4 mac. There are windows (not to the outside) to every room in the building including mine. There are video cameras located in every room but mine. Our employer wants us to be a big fammily. My employer is the biggest asshole I have ever worked for. In spite of all the cammeras and windows we all still rip him off.  
  my whole life, even when i was like 4 i always said that i wanted to live in tennessee.  I had never been there before or even heard about it.something just seemed to make me want to go there   today in civics class i learned why the age of consent in tennessee is 14  
  I go to school a few miles north of The Middle of Fucking Nowhere in Hanover, New Hampshire. Last year, I took a bus up to Burlington, Vermont, to fly home from the airport there. I was standing at the bus stop with a dozen other people, waiting for a cab to show when this middle-aged guy drives up in a sketchy cab with a young, teenage kid in the passenger kid. He opens the window and yells out to us, "Hey! I'm going to drop off this kid and then go to the airport. Anybody want a ride?" What the hell, I said. He popped the trunk, I put my stuff in, and we were off. The guy was pretty affable and we were getting along pretty well. After about 10 minutes, he drops the kid off at his house so it's just the two of us remaining. He turns around and looks at me with a wicked grin. "Hey man, wanna get high??"   I did.   
     I drive a BMW and wear a Patek Phillipe watch.  Last year, I paid in taxes what most people earn as pay. And I buy most of my clothes from walmart.  Who the heck is going to know that my socks and underpants are cheap?  And a blue shirt and a green tie is a shirt and tie.  Whether or not it comes from walmart or Rodeo Drive.     
  To save time and to avoid the risk of getting toothpaste on one's self, i brush my teeth in the shower. Today i had to cough (i've been sick) while brushing my teeth and a glob of tooth paste foam landed on my weiner. i never imagined that the same minty fresh feeling that can be applied to your mouth could also be applied to other parts of the body. For hours now, i've been walking around with a minty fresh penis.     GO on kids, next time you're in the shower, get that minty fresh feeling below the waist. It's fan-tastic.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In a parking lot, a sad-eyed lady approaches me:  "Excuse me, sir, but I wonder if you could help me out?  "My father has diabetes, and I have to get him back to Pennsylvania, but we got a flat.  "I need about $6 for one of those inflate-a-flat..."  I reach behind the seat and hand her a can of Inflate-A-Flat.  She's pissed, but tries to hide it.  She says: "Oh, yeah, that's what I need..."  I say: "It's really weird that this would happen to you twice in a month"  Only then does she recognise me ...  
  I have a un-neutered kitten...his name is Mouse in case anyone gives a rats ass... Anyway, My 9 year old daughter and I were hanging out watching TV and Mr. Mouse is asleep on his back with his little pink dick-like thing hanging out right? So my daughter looks over and screams, "MOM, Mouse is having kittens, there is a little pink kitten tail hanging out of his Pee-Pee"  I explained to her that that was just his weiner and that cats are made different than people and man let me tell you, that really sucked...I was hoping we were going to have some new kittens in the house.  
  so I was angrily ranting to my friend about how I couldn't find a spiritual teacher-  how there was no one who could take my foggy ideas further and that there wasn't a system of philosophy in the world that could answer the questions I had.  i screamed to the sky, arms outstretched, "so where is MY fucking Llama???"  (llama being a spiritual teacher or guide)  my friend's head pops up out of the dumpster that he was rummaging through, proudly holding up a pinata in the shape of a Llama.  "i found it."  he grinned.  life can be cruel.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Orb are playing in LA.  I give Perry Farrel a piece of blotter acid and tell him it's pure MDMA.  He hugs and thanks me.        
   Brothers-In-Law, Take 2  From Take 1:  He took her away to Vancouver, BC, to get her away from her family, then kept her virtually imprisoned for fifteen years and, five years after she finally broke free of him, is still stalking her regularly.  When they first moved to Vancouver, my sister proudly told me that he was a professor at BC University. I went to visit, and asked him about his work. He, in his lifelong phony Engish accent: "Ew, I work in research with the electron microscope." Me: "Do you have any teaching duties that interfere with your research?" He: "Ew, no!" I'm impressed as hell. It's rare to land a research position that doesn't come with teaching duties. I ask him to describe his research. He: "Well, I work with the electron microscope..." I know quite a bit about electron microscopes. They're impressive, but just a tool, after all. Me: "Yes, you already said that. But what do you actually research  in ?" He: "Weeelll -- I don't do any actual research, per se..." My sister sits proudly beside him, beaming at me. I'm too kind to tell her that she's married to a lab assistant, and a lying, pompous one, at that. Given what later happened, I should have been less kind...  
  On my Birthday last month I went to the strip club and bought myself a private dance.  She took me to a secluded part of the 'establishment' and began to give me my $20 worth of dance and then proceeded to blow me.  Dizzy and quite pleased with my recent purchase I stumbled back to my table when passing two bouncers I heard one say to the other: "The new girl fell for it..."  
  I went to a Christmas celebration at a friend's grandma's house, even though his married sister and I were an item on the sly, and she, her husband, and 4 kids were there, too.  We got kinky real fast in the bedroom with the coats. WooHoo!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am in the Army National Guard, and when I got activated to go to Bosnia in 2002 I had no idea how addictive masturbation could become.  It got to that point that I would beat off like three times a day, on schedule.  Once when i woke up, Once after lunch, and once before I went to bed.  Hell, I never even ate on that regular of a schedule.  I was so fucking horny that I would jerk off while i was on guard duty.  I managed this because while on guard you would be stationed in a guard tower on the edge of camp.  If you were really careful you could drop your pants and beat it while looking out the window, so nobody would know.  That is pretty fucking low brow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 12 I stayed at home while my mom left for about 20 minutes to visit my aunt down the road.  She left a pot of noodles on the boil, and told me to turn them down if they started to boil over. I, thinking I would be a good son, decided to have dinner ready when she got home.  I grabbed the pot off the oven by the handles on each side.  Keep in mind, this was a pot big enough to cook a brisket and had been boiling for an hour.  The handles were very hot.  In, fact, halfway to the sink to drain the noodles, the left handle slipped from my grip and an entire pot of boiling water poured on my left thigh and both of my feet.  I let out a scream and immediately took my pants off.  By that time, I already had three fist sized blister raised about 3 inches off of my leg. 10 minutes later i had one large blister the size of my thigh.  That'll teach me to be a considerate son, huh?     
  Pretty soon, we won't be able to smoke anywhere and I'm wondering why the damned things aren't just outlawed.  I know why, of course. Cause the guvment loves that tax.  Well, I'm all for the delicious things to be outlawed.  I'd make some real money then, being a dealer of cigarettes and writing and singing songs about smokes or lack thereof.  Really, I would.  
  Booze produces whimsy, like standing on the ledge of the top level of a parking ramp or peeing in a beer bottle.  The night I peed in a beer bottle (whimsey, mind you) we had a teenage darksider girl with us who was anxious to drink her high school issues away.  You know where this is going, don't you?  I woke up on a cement floor surrounded by pieces of the very same beer bottle.  
  Early in the am, i'm sitting in the gate area at o'hare waiting for my flight. A large Asian family sits in the adjacent 6 or so seats. Suddenly, i notice a sickening odor. A cross between rotten meat and shit. I look over at the Asian family. They are eating large plates of various unrecognizable substances with the Burger King logo on all the bags. Glad i'm not on their flight.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I made a lame comment, she replied by flipping me off.  I said "whoa I didn't think it deserved that" to which she replied "what did you excpect? a blowjob? you aren't getting one of those, let me tell you that much"  
  It wasn't lowbrow that my brother came in the bathroom while i was in the tub, nor was it when i didn't tell him to leave.  I guess it hit lowbrow when i started masturbating in front of him.  
  when driving through needles, california i not only saw a Bakery/Thrift Store, but also a Carpenter/Mortuary, and and Oil, Lube, and Latte.     I love small towns.   
  Pissing in the sink is better than the toilet, much less work what with lifting the lid reaching down to flush plus i like to look at my dick in the mirror.  
  my boss asked me to hand him some of those "vanilla folders" off his desk today.  I acted as though i had'nt heard him just to hear those sweet,sweet words again.   how is it that i am not in charge?        
  I worked on Liverpool docks about 7 years ago as a summer job between university. shitty job, but good pay    We were unloading these large crates with metal riming down the sides of them. This old dock worker is right in front of me taking his crate down off the platform as he goes to drop it on the floor his inner forearm gets caught on a sharp bit of metal edging, which acts like a tin opener.   Half a meter of tendunds are hanging out of his arm which is now pissing with blood  He is standing there no screams of pain, smoking his cigarette now his arms are free of the box Hold up and inspecting the damage. As people run over to help him he turns to me and says "er whats all this nonsense in me arm?" Before i can explain to this 'fucking yahoo' that "THEY are your tendunds mate." He raps the 'human elastic' around his new free hand and with one yank pulls them out of his forearm.   and with a "fuckoff!" he fires the stringy mess it into the mersey.   Last thing i heard he had the bones from his elbow down fused to together.   His hand looks and functions like a spagetti surver.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was bored. So I took out a pen and drew some eyes and a nose on the head of my penis. I held a brief conversation with my penis about declining quality of tv shows, all while laughing my ass off. The face just looked so goddamn funny. I kept laughing and laughing. I got up and was about to run over to someone's house and show them when I realized just how fucked that would be. Then I realized there was really no one I could share the funniest thing I had ever done with.   Oh well. I always have lowbrow.  **************************************** Sounds like someone needs a penis cape.  Then you can solve mysteries together.      
  the water in the gutter was running up his pants leg as his chin rested on the doorhinge of the k cars driverside door see said he thats why i didnt want to drink monte alban mezcal do the worm myass        
  Just about picked my nose on my webcam while talking to a friend. Nice try, Jack Daniels!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm getting head one day from my girlfriend of 9 months, and I'm about to cum.  She hates it when I cum anywhere in her, so to be nice while she was on her period, I say "ok" and tap her on the shoulder...  Just as she's pulling off, it squirts her in the eye.  It took me several sessions of me going down on her for her to even think about returning the favor...  
  I ordered a t-shirt that says "fuck you, you fucking fuck"... just in case I manage to get drunk enough before attending my ex's wedding.   
     "What are you going to do - kick my ass?" I asked, thinking the question would expose how absurd the idea was.  "Maybe," he said.    
  So mom, i'm pregnant...  Just kidding!    But i got a tattoo instead.        
  i say goodnight to everyone on my AIM friend's list whether or not we were talking at the time.  not really out of courtesy, but out of hoping i'll interrupt them in the middle of a game or typing something, and cause them to fuck up.  serves the bastards right for always coming to me w/ their emotional problems when i'm trying to masturbate.  
  So my room mate and i were getting sick of the cockroaches in our room.  He wanted to do something about it but staff won't let us inmates have bug spray.  We might kill each other with it or something i don't know.  Anyway, he comes up with a good idea.  Just before we're locked down for the night he goes down the hall to the bathroom and wets a washrag with water.  He comes back to the cell, and puts the rag in the middle of the floor.  The extremely thirsty roaches come out to get a drink, and with just enough light from the hall lights to see them, he smacks them with his shower shoe.  I wake up the next morning to dead bodies and my room mate sleeping on his bunk with a smile on his face knowing he did a good nights work.  
  I guess I totally missed the boat when it comes to romantic 'first times' because I lost my virginity while waiting for 'buffy the vampire slayer' to come on one tuesday night.  I guess that scenario won't ever make it to any girls wishlist as a way to lose it.   
  At my college in some of the public restrooms spread out around campus, they actually have little white boards to write on in the stalls. Pens and everything.   Am I missing something here? Did somebody think "hey, let's put mini white boards in the bathrooms so the students can express themselves artistically while taking a shit"  ?  Anyway.   Being the slight-minded creature I am, I thought "what the hell" one day and just wrote some random wacky bullshit on one of them while pinching a vicious loaf. Among my random musings I wryly wrote "www.lowbrow.com," with full intent on returning to the same stall at a later date to see just what would happened to it.   Sure enough, about a week later there arose a response. It read:  "Eat shit and kill yourself, you trendy fucking cunt."   Everyone's a fucking critic.    
  when you get to college, kiddies, there will be many rumours pervading your campus, indeed all campuses throughout the country.  amongst these rumours is the long-standing rumour that girls do not poop.  it's probably better that i spoil this for you now than have you boys figure it out later.  that rumour's far from the truth.  girls just hold it in longer.  when you come in to class and see a girl who's looking kind of uncomfortable, won't make eye contact, sometimes even acts like a jerk, that girl's holding it in.  but that girl's not pissy about the fact that, if her attention wavers even for a second, she shits her pants.  no, she's pissed at the fact that she'll have to smell it later.  
  Megadeth concert: my 16th birthday present.  there are two kinds of metal heads.  the first kind has long hair, black concert t-shirts, piercings, tatoos, etc.  the second kind are middle-age tank-top wearing rednecks with mullets.  and then there was the guy behind me.  long, white hair.  old enough to be my grandpa.  very old, faded, lavender t-shirt. I MASTURBATE printed in white, accompanied by a huge splooge stain. my life will not be complete until i own one.  
  A guy broke up with me once because he said he felt his needs weren't being met. This is after I dated him when no one else would even speak to him, coaxed him into a good wardrobe and a haircut that didn't scream "ringworm!", encouraged him in his social life so he made friends (other than cyber-indentities), patiently put up with all his oddball sexual experimentation, and finally, got him a threeway on his birthday.  Exactly what need did I miss, Andrew? Was it the time I refused to come critique "the dump of the century"? Putz.  
  she looked breathtaking in the silk blouse i gave her long ago as a present for no reason we were foodshopping in an airconditioned jumbomart  she went to the only cashier line that had a male cashier and looked down at her own hardened nipples as she talked small talk to him when i showed up with the butter we had forgotten she looked at me and blushed as if i had caught her      
  I was always told by my parents that beer was an acquired taste.  I still hate the taste of beer.  What my parents didn't tell me is that there is no such quota to meet for hard alcohol, and they had no way of knowing that I would like it from the first moment I took a accidental swig of Long Island ice tea.  
  so there we are.  she's on her period, she's drunk and she's stoned.  the girl whose apartment we were at had the chickenpox and was sleeping in another room.  "fuck it," i think, "period or not, she SHAVES HER COOTER!"  so i plunge my hand into her pajamas and get her off.  not even a thank-you; she just falls asleep.  i wake her up sometime later and tell her "when i get home, i'm gunna jerk-off thinking of what we just did."  it works every time; she pulls me on top of her and proceeds to give me a (crappy) handjob, letting me blow my load all over her chest.  she mopped up with paper towels, left them in the kitchen and fell asleep topless on the couch.  her 15-year-old sister was stoned in the other room.  i went home.  god how i wish i could have seen the reactions on everyones' faces when they stumbled upon all the evidence the next morning.  
  Girlflesh is the most precious substance in the world.  If it could be synthesized, and made into bedsheets, millions of inept, dweeby guys would sleep  much  better...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Shit happens, sometimes out your ass, sometimes out you mouth, but always looking for a hole to extract itself into the thread of life.  
  There I was, sitting in the back of the ambulance.   I kept telling the guy which one shot me. I was bleeding like a stuck pig, holding my side as it burned like the flames of hell.  Never before, and never since have I felt this type of pain.  She missed a bunch of important organs by less than an inch. Turns out the bullet bounced off a rib or something odd like that.  I did'nt think she'd react like that when she caught me with her mother in bed.  I mean, how often have you had someone say "I'm gonna kill you!", and then actually try?  
  I read some post about how to deal with a telemarketer by simply laying the phone down and walking away, thereby wasting their time and hopefully pissing them off. So when I answered the phone and a cheery voice said "Ann? We have some wonderful news for you!", I said hold on and laid it down and walked back to watch my tv show.  Half hour later I pick up the phone and the poor bitch is STILL on the line. Turns out she'd found my bank card at Sears and wanted to let me know I could pick it up there.  Sheesh. I bet I have negative karma points. But I got to watch the end of "Buffy" so I don't really care.  
  She was straight off the boat, and my lab partner at college.  Enormous, soulful brown eyes and yards of hair so black it flashed violet.  She knew nothing about physics, so I happily tutored her in class.  We became friends, and I discovered the soulfulness in her eyes was because her family had escaped from Libya, but not before Idi Amin had her father killed.  She obviously really liked me, so I couldn't understand why she always turned me down when I invited her out.  I put it down to some cultural taboo or something, so I stopped asking.  Months later, she rode into town with me on the bus. She was chatting away, very animated, about today being the anniversary of her dad's death.  "My family always mourns for a year," she said.  I noticed that for the first time, she was not wearing black.  My brain suddenly switched into gear: "Eh, could I invite you out?"  She: "I'd  love  to!"  The lowbrow moment here is not that I'd spent so long wishing for the date that I couldn't relax at all, and was a shy, stumbling fool.  The lowbrow moment is that I found out later she was devastated by my seeming lack of interest...  
  Brocco-nasty:  After eating his deep-green broccoli dinner  He puked and puked and puked Brocolli barf everywhere His poor brocco-belly  has just never been the same          
  So I was in Boston today, and I went to use this public bathroom, right, kinda quiet in the city..Sunday night and all.   So I walk in, I gotta do my business pretty bad, and the bathrooms are straight ahead. To the right are the sinks.  And, with pants pulled down, sitting in the sink, hands all soaped up, digging into asshole hairs with the mirrors doubling up this horrid image, cleaning his asshole or something, is this bummy looking guy.  I made sure to use a different sink when I was done in the bathroom.   I don't think I will ever use a public restroom ever again.    
  So a while back, someone told me I should put a black light up to my couch, to see exactly how many stains (yes...*those* kinds of stains) are on it.  After pondering this for a while, it was hard to sit on that couch without imagining how much of the couch wasn't stained with all sorts of nasty things.  I couldn't even lay on the couch anymore without thinking about it.  So, yesterday I went out and bought a new couch.  Yippee...all fresh and new.  And I told myself I was NOT going to have sex on it and get it all icky like the last one.    Less than 24 hours later, I broke that promise.  Still (for the time being), I could stick it under a black light and not throw up.  Yippee indeed.    
  I remember once in highschool, I was talking to this friend of mine.  He just stopped talking for a second, looked off into space, and let out the loudest burp I had ever heard in my life.  I still havent heard anything that even compares to it. Everyone int he entire hall stopped what they were doing, and looked over at him. For that one second, he was a king.  
  There was a dude on my dorm floor in college. He like to drink but not too much, you know ok student and everything. One day me a my roomate decided to turn this guy onto weed. Now my roomate was from a small town and they grew some killer shit. He would get it from this Vietnam vet in a brown paper bag.  Within a week this cat bought himself a one hitter & a fat bag. All he did the rest of the semester was toke down and drink Wild Turkey.  We never saw him again....  I think he was studying to be a forest ranger.  
  I remember a highschool wrestling match where this kid had the flew.  As was the custom, after weigh-ins, this sick kid went and pigged out - he had made weight by starving himself and his stomach was extremely weak.  It came time for him to wrestle and his opponent gave him a real gut wrench, just grabbed him around the stomach and squeezed.  The sick kid spewed out the fluid contents of his infirm small intestines through right his singlet all over the wrestling mat, very much like a diarrhea faucet.  In attendance at the event was his girl friend, his guidance counselor, his mother, his dad, his twin sister, thirty or so of his fellow members of the honor society, the school principle and four hundred or so other fans from the six teams competing in the meet.  An attempt was made to mop up the vast puddle but was quickly abandonned.  Matches continued on the mat next to the soiled mat, but soon the whole meet was called off.  
   "So, is there anything about the Palm that's better than the Handspring?" I asked the Best Buy girl.    "Actually," she replied, "the Handspring is basically better than the Palm."     I know,  I thought.  That's why I asked if  anything  about the Palm might be better. Just in case.     Then I pretended to look at other stuff all over the store, in case she walked outside for a cigarette break. Because then I could ask her out.   
  if i were to interpret the letters of a poem as just straight lines and curves, so that instead of reading text i was looking at a picture, and the poem was nine hundred and ninety nine words long....  would that picture be worth a thousand words?  
  got blazed, went to get bbq with my roommate.  already finished the chips & salsa and midway through my burger the waitress says "everything come out ok?" and i think to myself "don't get ahead of yourself.  i won't know that until at least an hour or two."  turns out it was closer to 30 minutes.  pfoooomm.  
  i bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "don't forget the thick, heavy eyebrows!" then they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had thick, heavy eyebrows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.  
  I got a weird email from some girl who wanted to know wasn't I afraid I was going to hell for all the bad things I've done and posted here?  I wrote back that I wasn't, but I'd be glad to let her tell me why she thought that, if she'd just give me her address so I could come over and give her my personal, one-on-one attention. She never wrote back.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hop on the subway @ around 12:30 there she is the woman i want 2 marry she had a tight ass lovley brown eyes & a face 2 match she was the most wonderful thing i had seen she looked like she was about 20 i thought a lady like her w/ a 23 year old man like me then i see my father come and give the wettist kiss i had ever seen then he told me this was my new mom. I was like yess   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Here I sit...very frustrated that yet another one turned out to be a minute man.  I mean for Christ sakes, the stats have to be 8 out of 10 men last under 10 minutes.  Five of those 8 last about five minutes.  Is this what I shower and put makeup and perfume on for???  I know I can't be that tight after all the men I've fucked.  I know they must have heard a woman scream and moan before.  One of these days I'm gonna have to ask one of them why the hell they can't do it right...but for now, I guess I'll just masturbate again.   
  So I am at the store getting some condoms and astroglide. As I am walking to the cashier I think to myself "hrmm...I should really buy something else other than just this"!  So I go grab a cucumber. *shrug* What else was I going to get??  
  I was considering whether to connect DSL in my new apartment, remembering that it had caused hours of amusement in the last place I lived.  But when I thought about the real reasons I wanted a high speed connection, I decided it wasn't worth it.  I've spent the $50/month on CDs and porn, and I've never been happier.  
  Things everyone should know how to say in Spanish:  "Madre de Dios!  Es el pollo diablo!" Usually will get you out of trouble.  If they don't immediately look around in morbid fear, they'll immediately start laughing.  "Donde esta el ba&ntilde;o limpiado?" A must.   Always  add the last word to this phrase.  "Dios mio!  Hay una hacha en mi cabeza" Another attention diverter.  "En sus rodillas y s pleme lentamente." Use this only when suicidal or on PCP.  If you accidentally find yourself uttering this phrase, it is a good idea to use one of the attention diverters and then run like fuck.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I first moved out, I got all this old china from relatives..spoons..forks..etc but i found that i used paper plates more After a month i discovered something great paper towels are one of the world's greatest inventions plate, napkin, placemat, and sponge in one!!!  
  I always answer all my lowbrow mail with my middle name.  For safety purposes and shit.  Sometimes I honestly forget if it's spelled, "Loree" or "Lorree." But then after typing it wrong I realize it's just one "r."    That's when I really feel like maybe I should stop smoking weed.   
  I think Samatha Fox said it best when she sang, "Naughty girls need love too."  And they do. I would know.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I have one of those voices- you know, i get offers to be a phone sex operator at least once a month. (think kathleen turner - im not bad, just drawn that way)  so last night i was trying to get in touch with my friend and she was hurrying around her house, getting ready to go out, and in the midst of the chaos she passes the phone to a guy friend of hers from out of town. He starts chatting with me, getting really friendly, and after five monutes insists that he's gonna come get me so i can go out with them. He hung up before i could say i really didnt want to go out.  He got one good look at me before we went into the club, and didnt speak to me again for the rest of the night.  I guess he was expecting someone hotter.  my self esteem hurts now.   
  Going to lunch with my ex, we had to stop at his house because he forgot his wallet. I lay down on his bed to wait while he looked for it and he said, "You shouldn't do that because you look so sexy I really want to fuck you right now."  So we did and when we were finished we went to meet his current girlfriend for lunch  
    A man rides  along the winding road, like the many others you see in eastern Pennsylvania. His leathers are well worn and his posture is strong, he appears to be perhaps in his mid or late 30's. His Triumph smoothly cuts one last bend, then turns into the wooden fenced and graveled parking lot of one of those increasingly rare non-corporate, one-location-only burger joints.   The engine switches to a softer beat as it glides next to a clean and shining Harley, the rocks and dust crackling as it gently rolls. As the man dismounts and quickly, naturally surveys his surroundings, another man, clad almost entirely in black leather, looking through impenetrable black glasses, approaches confidently.   "Hey man, this is Harley parking only!" he states, with unpleasant undertones. Our main character gives the aggressor a cursory glance, then places his booted foot upon the Harley's tank, and with a powerful, but perfectly controlled shove, sends it crashing heavily, and quite audibly, onto its side.   No one but the Harley owner quite catches what our man says next, but it is probably a short and rather clever rebuttal. Then, as if nothing had just transpired, he walks, with the smooth and efficient stride of a man who has footed it for countless miles in his time, to the order window.   Our second man stands shocked, embarrased, and more than a little shaken, faced with a situation he never expected in his brief moment of domination posturing.    Men who've unwittingly ended up combat veterans of the politicians'  80's drug trade in warm Spanish speaking countries have had to deal with more than their lifetime quota of bullshittery. They flew a patch for Uncle Sam once, but just because those days are over doesn't mean you shouldn't be polite.         
  He brought over this stuff in this little mini can with a snap lid that was supposed to delay the time it takes to cum.  He couldn't get it open, so finally I said give it to me, and I opened it with my teeth in a matter of seconds.  I looked like a pro...but then I thought, geez, I don't know where that tube had been.  But then after I gave it some thought...it couldn't have been any worse than where my mouth just was a few minutes before.  Yea...   
  he chugged a quart of eggnogg.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've noticed  that they no longer put pictures of missing children on milk cartons anymore. Good. I can eat my breakfast without feeling guilty now.  
  Someone here posted how he oversees job interviews and how university is BS since he took a bunch of BS classes to graduate.  Well here I am to add to that list.  So far I have received credit for (I'm a film major, so you can see why some just don't make sense, add to the fact that "film major" is an oxymoron in itself):  The History of Rock n Roll  Ceramics  Romantic Comedies (my teacher had a Julia Roberts fetish and all we watched were her movies and Chasing Amy all semester)  New York City: History of (this consisted of walking through all five boroughs shopping and bar crawling with my teacher and classmates all spring - it was the best three credits of my life)  And so forth.  I'm sure I'll be taking more of the same, like right now I'm eyeballing Karate I for next semester.  
  I was at the local hangout that has gone to hell. When i was younger it was so much better. Just a bunch of idiots hanging out playing pool and pinball and trying to get laid. Now i go there and all that is there are a bunch of fourteen year old ghetto thugs who are about as black as a damn snowbank. They all think they are hot shit. So i was getting ready to leave and this one kid was looking at my bike. I ask him if he rides and he told me no i just think it is gay looking. Well one thing led to another and i ended up hitting him upside the head with my helmet. So the guys friend walks over and starts yelling about how he is gonna kick my ass. I really wish i had kept my cool and left. But no i did the same thing and got him upside the head with my helmet. Saw the same guy a few days later at my new girlfriends house. It was her brother.  
   okay.. I admit to it... yes, I danced in Wade's zebra striped undies and I enjoyed it dammit!!!!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Well senior trip was fun minus the part about not being allowed to smoke. So we decided to open the window and sneek out. Window was screwed shut. So new idea turn the fan on in the bathroom . . . . no fan. So we pried the vent off the wall and used a hairdryer to blow the smoke out. The amusing thing is everyone was doing this. So all the rooms on that floor fill with ssmoke even the chaparones and there is no way they can just blame us so they let it slide. That and the fact that half the smoke was from reefer and the pool party rocked.  
        My office overlooks a student bike rack.  One fine day I was focusing my binoculars on a girl outside who was bent over fumbling with the lock on her bike.  Low-cut tanktop, breasts almost flopping out. She looked up suddenly at me and then stormed into the building.  Three minutes later, she's at my office door, calling me a pig and a pervert.  I pointed out that her nipples were erect and she left without saying another word.   
  i was the 20-year old doorman, which made every type of person i carded very angry.  we'd close the bar and force the patrons out every saturday night at 2.  state laws, you see.  can't be open past 2am on a sunday.  damn the bible belt.  once they're all gone, the real debauchery begins.  i tend bar, some kitchen employee brings out the greeness, people are going in and out of the bathroom a lot, but i'm too naieve to know why.  god bless the bible belt.    morons.  
  No matter how old he is, no matter how bad his recent albums have been, no matter how many venereal diseases he has, I would still have sex with Mick Jagger.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was dating a pastors daugter for 8 months. It was taking forever to convince her to break her in, but after whoa, she turns into a freak.  She ends up convincing me to fuck her in her father's church.  I can only hope God forgives.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The gutteral idling and sweetly tweaked chirping of an American-made muscle car waiting for the light to change at my corner will always get me up from whatever it is I'm doing as peek out the window to see if the visual is as tasty as the aural. I live on the fifth floor. Yep, I'm a Pavlovian bitch.  
  i woke up this morning at 6:35. i wanted to go back to sleep, but this was not an option.  so i took a bonghit and got in the shower.  
   Motormouth  Second chances are rare, so make absolutely sure to not fuck up the second one. From just two nights ago:  She's out of there in three minutes, with me slobbering saliva in her trail.  Fucked that one up feh shuah.  She seems to have just shrugged off my blatant, far-too-early come-on. Makes sense: she's so extremely beautiful that every guy she's been near in the last twenty years must have tried his luck. I wasn't trying my luck -- I have serious fantasies about marrying this one and having babies -- just have to get rid of her man first, is all. Just another wonderful evening with a beautiful woman. It gets late again, and she again makes noises about leaving. Me: "Are you sure you're OK for driving? It's a long way..." She, getting nervous again: "I really need to go." Me: "I just want you to be safe. I'll give you my room, and I'll sleep on the floor right here, if that's what's troubling you." She, visibly relieved: "Are you serious? You wouldn't mind doing that?" Me: "I'm serious, though I'd much rather snuggle with you..?" She, thoughtfully: "That might be nice..." Handled perfectly. Now just shut up and take what's being offered. Me: "I might let out a little growl from time to time, but it'll be inadvertant..." Oh no -- back to the old slobbering-saliva routine.     
  when I take a break from writing I sometimes go outside to have a smoke and walk around in circles thinking about where the story is going next.  Lately I've been walking figure-eights and trying to drag up old moments from my lowbrow youth.  If I don't get the Booker prize it's your guys fault.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Meeting Ithaca Women Through The Personals Sue 2nd   Sue 2nd was a law student. She and I hit it off immediately, and things went along swimmingly until my best buddy bumped into us and, right in front of her, begged me for a dime bag.  
  I fondle my breasts while I'm reading Lowbrow.        
  setting: NA meeting  she: "i thank my higher power, whom i choose to call God, every day for giving me the strength to quit doing dope."  me: "i thank my higher power, whom i choose to call William."  
  Sometimes I feel like walking into the Gap where I work and just blazing away with an AK-47 and then I have a moment of clarity and think... "I can't do that... I'd lose my 30% discount if I did."      
  Everyone at the bar was sitting with their elbows resting on the padded edgeof the bar.  It was a luxury, and it was as if the creators had envisionedthe comfort of the drinkers that eventually might use it.  An owners manualwas not necessary.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  My father throws a huge Fourth of July party every year and at least 75 or 80 people show up. Two of my friends, Mark and Jack show up for the party. When its time for them to leave, I walk with them to their car. My Father yells out that he needs me to do something. As loud as I can, I yell back at him across all those people, "Just a minute Dad, I have to see Mark and Jack off."  The hush over the crowd told me it was going to be a long trip back up the driveway.  
  I used to be a bouncer.  I never had much of a god complex until I worked as a bouncer.  When someone tried to palm me some cash to get a head of the 30 person line I refused it.  I told him to walk 4 SOMA blocks to the nearest store and buy me a King Size Snickers bar and a Jolt.  Then and only then could he and his scantily clad date come in.  He did it.  I am God, hear me roar.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Thinking to my self "what is the biggest thing that I miss from my Divorce?"   It's got to be the cats.    
  She asks me if theres something wrong.  (No, nothings wrong.  Aside from the fact that I'm sitting here eating canned ravioli while i can still smell the steak smell of your wonderful dinner out with the family-minus me-on the day i fucking celebrated my goddamn 18th birthday and noone showed up and not even my own parents had the decency to wait 45 minutes to take me with them to their nice dinner and i want to shit in all my "friends" lungs because they said they'd show and never did.)  My reply was "no, nothing at all"  
  People are always saying SLUT like it's derogatory.  I still jack off thinking about the time I  watched my wife blow him.        
   i always learn the most interesting things in french class...  today, we were talking about firemen, and my teacher, Bednar, told us about a monument in San Francisco. it is called coit tower, and it is shaped like a fire hose (an incredibly fallic shape, as it were). the plaque at the base says  Coit Tower In gratitude to all the firemen of San Francisco, from Mrs. Coit.  this is all perfectly legit in english. however, french tourists find it hilarious. coit is the french word for coitus, and because of slang with the word for firement, if you translate it and then translate it back without factoring in the original meanings, it says this:  Coitus Tower In gratitude to all the blowjobs of San Francisco, from Mrs. Coitus.  postcards of the tower sell well, i've been told.     
  Answer: Cancer.  Question: What is the funniest thing to suggest at improv comedy clubs?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I feel a particular sarcastic twang when I type what goes after the @:        
  As I was watching tv with the recently married ex of mine, he tried to persuade me to go down on him.  I was annoyed that he was suggest such a thing. I asked for one good reason.  "Just think of it as a wedding present."    
  I've never vomited so much in my life.  Next time after I use the juicer to puree salmon, I'll rinse it out before making my morning milkshake.   
  last night i dreamt that tjay was sitting in a row of tables at a personal website conference, and when i went up to him to tell him how cool he and this site was, he just rolled his eyes. i felt so embarrassed that i just kept walking. he looked a lot more homely than i thought he would.  
  Someone else posted:  did you know that a cat's penis has spines on it so the female can't get away during intercorse?   I wish my cock was like that     Actually, the spines are mostly there to trigger the ovulation of the female, guaranteeing pregnancy (usually multiple ones).    So, no, I don't think you do wish for your cock being like that.  A female cat can carry kittens from several different fathers in the same heat cycle.  In humans that would result in some really fucked up paternity suits, huh?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my sister, who is 13, came to stay with me for the night at school.  her parting words to my mother and father: "You have my permission to go home and drink scotch and watch porn."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Classified ad I've seen sometimes in the local paper:  Ritual Cult Abuse Support Group Saturday 10 A.M. at Helping Hands Community Center Please, victims only.  I wish I'd been there for the moment that necessitated the 'victims only' bit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting in my room today, after a horrible bout of the runs.  Reading some forums.  Had to fart.   That wasn't a fart.  I'm going to go and take a shower.  
  I get real tangible joy everyday from Q`tipping my ears.  I look forward to it everynight when I go to sleep.     
  A teenage party at my friend's parents' well-to-do house while they are out for the night. A crate of beer and God knows how much tequilla later, I decide it's time to crash out in his bedroom.  I wake up some time later and stumble to the bathroom for a good old ceramic telephone call. However, some of the less-drinking party-goers are occupying the bathroom and have locked the door. I just stand there, drunk, and blow chunks right where I stand. I even try to hold it in with my hand, which just makes the spray worse.  Without cleaning up the floor, wall or myself, I go back to bed and sleep.  The next morning his parents tell me they understood. I was obviously aiming for that waste paper bin in the hallway. (Waste paper bin?). I must have eaten something wrong. (Right). And they washed my clothes.  I don't think I have ever visited his house without his parents having to wash my clothes.   Well, at least I didn't piss on his brand new stereo like my other mate did.  
  I examined a cadaver in a physiology class once.  I was struck by the resemblance between the cadaver's dried-out muscle tissue and beef jerky. I didn't pull the classic cliche about never eating jerky again, but whenever I eat it, I think about that cadaver.  
  After I breathed life back into the OD/ed girl in my bed my boyfriend said in responce to my hysterical crying"what's the big deal, do another shot, everything will be fine" So I did. And it was.         
   Quick Thinking #38  The first time I visited Ithaca, I stayed with a married couple that were friends of a friend. We struck it off really well and became friends for years. The woman was skinny and gorgeous, in the off-brand kind of way that I love, with no makeup, hairy armpits, and unkempt hair. The next morning, they left for school or work, and I dove into her laundry hamper. When they came home, she said: "Eh, were you in our room today? I just vacuumed this morning, and I just now noticed footprints..." Gulp. Me: "Yes, I spotted a mouse, and I was chasing it." She: "Damn! Are they back again?" Five years later, she visits me at my group house in Boston. One of my roommates* is away, and offered her his room, asshole! I needn't have worried. Shortly after I go to bed, my door opens, and she slips into bed with me,  yes!  Before she wraps her skinny body around me, she warns: "I'm married. No sex -- just snuggling."  Damn!  But it was delicious, all the same...  -------------- *for non-Americans, I should explain that "roommate" means "apartment-mate" -- you don't actually share a room, usually.  
  Is it just me, or when you put in earplugs does your internal monolouge and the sound of your own breathing get REALLY loud, too?  
  A lady called into my work and told me this sob story about how her boyfriend, whom she had just kicked out, poured fruit punch down the back of her monitor and printer...then cut her scanner cables.    Myself and everyone within speakerphone distance was laughing manically.  Friend in the business my ass.  
  I put peanuts and corn out for the squirrels in my backyard.  Then I take pot shots at them with a slingshot.  
  I saw the "Vampire" Mike Cassel tonight.  He emerged from the back room,hunched like this wasn't his scene.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   A half-hearted attempt at prostitution. He was around 75. I chickened out after learning I was only worth the equivalent of dinner and a pack of cigarettes.       
  I was a much more suave drunk before I started hanging out with people who bring video cameras with when we go out partying. I really don't need to have video proof of why I didn't get laid the night before.  
  I broke a guitar string once and it hit me in the eyeball. It was the high e string. It left a little filled in red circle on the white of my eyeball. I think it's faded now, but it was there for years. I'm glad it didn't blind me. I used to get hit in the eyes with things a lot. And the crotch, too.  
  i ate those beans last nigth  15 hours ago  the humam gastro-intestinal system is 7.5 m long (aprx.)  V=D/t  Distance= 7.5 m  time= 15 h = 54 000 s  V= 7.5 / 54 000 = 0.13*10E-3 m/s  see i've just calculated the speed of shit   of couse diarrhea is very diferent, time is relative in the diarrhea case  you can shit your pants any time  we have to use einstein's theory of relativity   i'm talking about a fucking nobel prize here   
  One of life's myths:  Women who drink whiskey as a preference are easily persuaded into bed.   No, women who drink whiskey as a preference like the taste. Women who drink alcoholic pre-mixed fruit drinks while giggling and saying 'it just tastes like lemonade' are a far better target.   
  I belong to a small close-knit church, which, because of work-schedule conflicts, I haven't attended in about a month.  I just received a letter saying that the pastor has been granted a one month sabbatical by the board of directors.  I do a double-take.  Excuse me - board of directors?  What board of directors?  Turns out it's just another fucking corporation like any other.  God is a corporation and I unwittingly attended another franchise.  Fuck this.  If God wants to talk to me he knows where to find me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The trouble with group dates is that there are other females in close proximity to your individual chosen female.  This effect becomes worse by immense factors when the females in question know each other well.  You might as well forget having a date, and just sit back and listen to the girls chatter between themselves.  I was prepared this time though.  I had brought with me a number of padded weapons- PVC Piping covered in foam -that I could use to duel with the other bored guys while the girls talked.  We could say we were fighting for our lady's honour or something like that.  That's when one of the girls challenged me.  Sure, fine, I figured, lets see what happens.  It turns out though, that my 3 years of fencing and half year of kendo had actually taught me something.  I could hit her whenever I wanted, and she couldn't do squat.  Eventually, I alert her to this fact of existance, but does she give up?  Not exactly.  She screeches "YOU CHAUVINIST PIG!!!" at the top of her lungs and starts wailing that padded stick as hard as she can.  Now, this isn't actually any more effective at reaching me than before, but now I'm worried that if I mess up (unlikely) I could really get hurt.  Fortunatly, I keep my head, continue to block, and continue to make her look like a fool.  That's when she dropped her weapon and ran at me, nails extended.  And that's when I was able to demonstrate that I could also run faster than she.  
  in the bookstore today i found The Complete Idiots Guide to Raising Kids and i got to thinking if you're a complete idiot should you really be having kids?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One day I complained to my father about being sick, which prompted one of his home remedies that my mother is deathly afraid of.  His solution to my cold was to drink a cup of Robitussen with a Nyquil chaser.   Boy, it knocked the shit out of whatever was in me... but I could not think straght for the following two days.   
  because baby, i'm an anarchist, you're a spineless liberal. we marched together for the eight hour day, held hands in the streets of seattle. but when it came time to throw a brick in starbucks windo,you left me all alone, all alone...   
  a few years back I hung out with a group who was very into doing coke.  We all shared, so if u were low on cash, your friends were always good to hook you up.   One time, as I was leaving our connection's house I saw 3 of these friends coming my way.  Knowing that I had more money (thus more coke) that week then all 3 of them put together, I laid down on my belly to hide behind a 2 foot brick wall on the lawn of the next house.  They passed without noticing me, or the fact that I had just laid in the middle of a giant pile of dog shit.  serves me right for holding out  
  Back in the day, 2 of my friends and I were chilling in my friends basement. The front door was unlocked, and unbeknownst to us, one of our other friends (who was on his way that knew the door was unlocked for him) decided to call our older friends down the street and tell them to enter the house with masks and real looking BB Guns and what have you. To "scare" us.  Sure enough, 3 of the older friends sneak into the house, then charge down the stairs pointing guns at us and screaming. We sat there, eating chips, drinking beer, just staring at them like nothing was happening. None of us moved or did anything, because none of us cared. We honestly didn't know it was our friends, we just didn't give two shits. They took the masks off, we laughed, and they said "You do realize this might have been real, and we could have shot you." Yup. Ate some more chips. Had some more beer. The "robbers" stayed and drank with us. Good times.  
  Sgt. Sebay shouted to the passers by "Come see the hairy nipple monster!  It's scary!"  I still crack up when I think about that.  Thank god it was the last time the squadron let us run the haunted house for the July 4th Kadena fest.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes, when in expensive stores surrounded by fragile things, I get the urge to smash things to the ground. just throw them at the floor. So I'll pick things up, hold onto them really tight and then go "KSHHHHH!" (the sound of breaking glass) as I make a motion that resembles throwing it at the floor.  I also like to imagine what would happen when I'm in the passenger seat of someone's car, and they're driving, and I just open the door and throw myself onto the road. I wonder what they'd do, or I wonder how it would feel, or I wonder "What if there's a condition where people actually do that?"  I like to fantasize about turning the world upside down like a salt shaker.   
  for a while I always retreated to the bathroom in the office much to the bewilderment of the receptionist.  then I realized within the construction shop they had their own particle board jack shack complete with the good au naturel 70's style Playboys.  I soon resorted to 3 extended bathroom breaks a day.  the fishhook did not land...  "Mario's in there beating off!!!!"  at that point I had 1 of 2 options:  finish my well over 80% done spank  or walk out with worn nub at half mast  I could have done without the cheering  
  "The only difference between picking your boogers now and picking them when you were a kid is you don't eat them now you put them underneath your chair."  My dad must be a kid then.  
  and always and forever are ice into my heart she said these when she meant after i finishing blowing all your friends        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         really hate those comments like there are two kinds of people in the world mostly cos theres actually three a well dressed woman slips and takes a spill one kind helps her up without hesitation another kind laughs out loud in spite of him or herself and third is paralyzed in fear over what to do because they dont have the kahonies to make a freaking decision to get involved in anyhting not just this specific event the world is overpopulated with the third kind         
  I stole $10 from my good friend and room mate. I spent the money on a six pack of PBR pounders, a pack of Luckies, and a losing scratch ticket. Thanks buddy.  
  fact is said he to me there isnt a single person alive who wouldnt run you down if it was better for them personally to do so than to keep you alive we are all parasites of each other and to affraid to make it on our own  oh so thats why you hang out with me you cheap ass fuck this is your round        
  going through airport security in rio de janeiro, heading north to vitoria. i empty my pockets and take off my belt... metal detector still goes off. the armed guard summons me in portuguese and scans me with the hand-held, which beeps frantically as it passes over my cargo pocket. what the fuck? i think... "what is metal in pocket?" in broken english... "nothing... i don't know... really..." i had no idea what it could be, and am visibly nervous, what with the language barrier and machine guns around... other guards approach, eyeing me up. "empty pocket now," one says. so i do. and realize the wrappers on the 15 condoms i hold are made of foil. they laugh. if you ever go to rio, you, too, will need lots of rubbers.  
  PRESSURE TACTICS  At the place where I was contracting, Jose, who managed contractors, hadn't yet given me a bathroom key.  So every time I had to use the bathroom, I'd have to walk across the street.  I nagged him for two weeks, but he kept promising it the next day.  Finally, I'd had enough. "Jose, could you get me a key to the bathroom?" "Sure, I'll get it to you tomorrow." "If you don't give me the key today, I'll shit on your desk." "What?!!" "When you come into work tomorrow, you'll find a big, black, steaming pile of turds on your desk blotter with files buzzing around it."  He got me a key.  
  Once I was playing hockey and I accidently punshed this guy that was trying to take the puck away from me.  The referee blew the whistle and told me to sit in the penalty box all by myself.  I told him to eat sh*t and then he made me go to my room.  Boy my dad was a tough ref.         
  Right. So. For my english class (note, by the way, that I'm in college.) we went to the library, and proceeded to get a lecture on how to use a fucking library.  As if I didn't get that EVERY YEAR throughout high school and middle school!  It gets better.  So, at the end of class... "Okay, now, I want you all to write me a page summary on what you learned today!"  What the fuck?  
  Staring out across that stage at the tender age of seven, all but terrified of the sea of people waiting to swallow me up in their camera flashes and thunderous applause.  The red and blue and green and yellow lights above comforted me, if only momentarily, as the music began to play.  It was at that second I left my dream of being a ballerina behind in favor of something more productive, and ran crying from the stage.    Of course, my tears were a result of how happy I was to be free of the skinny, vain girls and their tyranny: a small victory for chubby little misfit girls everywhere.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments  Recovering from a hangover by lying in bed in the cool shade of our hotel room in Aruba and watching the Disney Channel, the only decent mid-afternoon tv in English, and only one thought enters my throbbing head:   What kind of name is "Topanga" anyway?   
  Brian came over immediatly after getting off of the plane from Tokyo; he had been flying for 18 hours straight and hadn't bathed. He then proceeded to hang out at my place for three days.  While I do have running water and copious amounts of soap, he chose not to take advantage of them.  We had to keep the windows open the entire time he was there.  A month later he asked me to return a soup pot that I'd been borrowing.  I walked two miles to give it to him, and hung out long enough to watch him cook some campbell's soup.  He didn't even bother to wipe out the bowl.  I guess he thouht that the streaks of jizz were water spots.  I laughed the two miles home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         3 a.m.- we had eaten a large cheese pizza and drank way too much kamchatka vodka (on the bottom shelf at every supermarket)...  "you know what sounds good?" my roommate asked "don't say it," i replied "donuts" "damn you"  we drank more, wasting time, then drunkenly rode bicycles to the donut store...  we were waiting when they opened at 4:30 a.m.  
  I was going to school 4 hours away from home. I didn't know anyone there and it was hard for me to make friends. My roomie was a total bitch to me and I hated her. She'd tell my RA that my bf at the time was in the room too much. We were barely in my room. His roomies were gone just about the whole day. So why would we want to spend the day with her when we could be going at it in his room?   Fast forward a few months...I was still at school. Me and my bf had broke up. I was set up to go to this party with this guy. I was told he was 23. When he gets there I find out that he's really 30. Now this is a big deal when you JUST turned 18. So I go anyway figuring that I'd make the best of it. I get there and the guy doesn't say a word to me on account of his "shyness". So I start talking to this one guy I kinda knew. This new guy was closer to me in age anyway... I started drinking. Boy, did I drink a lot that night. The guy I went with ended up leaving and I stayed with the guy I met up with after I got there. We ended up fucking in an empty room in the house. He drove me back to my dorm. Even walked me in to make sure I found my room ok. (I was still a little tipsy.) We ended up fucking again on the floor of my room. Now, this guy knew about how much I hated my roomie. The carpet that was on the floor was hers...she bought it with her monwy and was gonna be taking it back home with her at the end of the year. When he cam he did it on the rug. Then we found a shirt of hers and wiped up up. And I should mention that it was a CLEAN shirt. Then we put it back where we found it and he left.  Fast forward a couple days...my roomie was seen with that shirt on. And there was no way that she could have washed it. So she was wearing a shirt with cum on it...I laughed my ass about it. That'll show her to be a bitch about me having guys in the room. Bitch!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a dream the other night.  The dream's plot revolved around the fact that my girlfriend had hired two prostitutes as a gift for my birthday.  I don't remember interacting or even seeing the prostitutes.    I do remember, however, my girlfriends stepfather slapping me on the back saying "What's it like being in a T. Jay sandwich."  I have no idea where that came from.  
  he stared at me incredulously and said, "you'll suck my dick, but you won't use my toothbrush?"  it was hard to deny that kind of logic.   
  The business card that I have been carrying since 1995 says I'm a Senior Web Developer. I have seen your site and I now know that I know nothing.  
   Back In Blighty, For The First Time  Newly married, and newly off the plane. I take the shuttle into downtown London, and get dropped off at 12:30am. I'm Scottish, which means that I'm far too cheap to pay the extra &pound;30 to fly into Prestwick, which is within walking distance of where I live. I literally walk out of London, and I'm starving. The only food place I can find open is (get this) a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet. It was quite good. Dawn comes. So does the start of the M1 motorway, thank goodness. I must have walked fifteen miles with a seabag on my shoulder. Two hours go by, in the rain (of course -- this is Britain), then a car stops. He makes me sit in the back. No problem. At least it's not raining inside the car. Then he takes off up the M1, driving carefully at exactly 30mph (a reasonable and safe speed would be 75). We talk. He seems somewhat marginal. He's wearing a sheepskin coat in August. He sits sideways, with one arm across the wheel. Every now and again, he lifts his arm to see the speedometer. If he's going faster than 30, he puts the brakes on. Hours go by. The conversation goes exactly like this: Every few minutes, he says: "Aaright back there?" Or he spots a woman on the side of the road, or anyhwere: "Do, wunnit?" (She would be accepable for a fling, wouldn't she?) More hours go by, with about a mile of traffic backed up behind us, honking. He, shouting out the window: "Whass yer bleedin' problem?" I'm miving north, after all, but fawking slowly. I explain that I need to sleep, and I can't ever sleep in a car. He sadly drops me off at the next service area. I immediately grab another ride, a neat woman without an obsession about sticking to 30mph (I checked before I got in). She drops me off, hundreds of miles north. I go to the back of the hitchhiking line. A long time later, my sheepskin guy drives by, slowing. I turn my face away and yell to everyone: " Don't go with this guy!  One of them gets in, nonetheless...   
  The man with the beard, sitting alone at the table, tapped his fingers,hunched like a drummer.  At the climax of the song, he wave his handswildly, signifying the triumph of the ending of the song.  He picked up hisdrink, tilting is head back, finished it in a long swallow, stood and puton his coat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  She and I got into a philosophical discussion about whether it is spelled "gizz" or "jizz".  This led to another discussion about "gizm", "jizm", "gism", and "jism."  God I love screwing dorky chicks.  
  As I was driving down the street one day i thought to myself "By golly, that one way sign is facing the wrong direction."  
  why is it, if a women masturbates on the back porch at 10 pm, it is erotic and sexy. While, if I do the same thing at the same time, it is perverted?  
  She excitedly related to me a recipe her mother had given her for some sort of bacon, noodle, cabbage, soy sauce slop.  "Jesus, I already know how to make slop,"  I whispered to a nearby confidant. "It's my people's food," she chirped. She meant Polynesians, but I thought out loud,  "slop-eating flop-house hippies?"   
  I just read a moment about some dude who in fulfilling his new years resolution, was at the gym working out on some weight machine that had his mouth pretty close to his nuts. What I can't figure out is what his resolution was. To get in shape, or to suck his own dick. It scares me that I could see myself making either of those two resolutions.  
  sticks and stone will break your bones no lie and the names are going to hurt like hell so long as you believe everyone who tells you you re a loser get some confidence and be secure in who you are then if you are an asshole at least its not because your afraid damn i wanted to say that to her for what seemed like a hundred years         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         today while at the mall me and this other person were outside 1 of those pictue places. there was 1 of those magic eye things you know if you stare at them long enough you get a 3d picture. well after 5 minutes of staring the kid next to me drops to the floor and starts violently convulsing, flaling his limbs about (apparently having a seizure) and the only thing i can think of is "man, he is a REALLY good breakdancer"  
  Most guys remember their first blowjob:  Mine was in a hotel room in Wisconsin.    As she took out my cock through the hole in my boxers, she said, "Do you have any objections?"  Did I even need to answer?    She got started, it was great.    Then I said, "Wow, I'll bet you've had a lot of practice at this."  I think most guys would agree, that was a pretty stupid thing to say.    Not surprisingly, she stopped.    
  the last time I went to New Orleans, I ended up giving 5 bucks to the guy on the street corner who was playing a song entitled, "Give me your money so I can go buy more drugs."  I also saw a group of gutter-snipe children playing soccer with a dildo by the river.  
  I still talk to friends from my old dot com job. The fiancee of girl I know from there recently asked me for a favor. My new job allows me to get nice discounts on electronics at the company store. He asked me to get him a PDA at wholesale. She gave me great head a few months back, so I think I kind of owe him. Is 40% off fair for that?  
  I sat there in my chair, contemplating why God would make a fart that smells like fried chicken.  How lowbrow of Him.  
  After almost slipping on the rainy pavement, I heard a voice behind me. "It's slippery out, honey. Be careful!" he said, patterns shaved into his eyebrows and cheap makeup coloring his pock-marked face. "I almost wasn't sure if I should wear these on my feet today." I looked back - he was wearing a pair of clear jelly shoes.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I hate vomiting after a long night of drinking.  I look at the pile, quietly sob, and think of all the money I just puked up.  
  Whenever I have a party, people always end up asking where my porn is so they can pop in a tape and watch it.  I have one tape, specially catering to my biggest fetish.  Cue Balls 3: Bald and Balled. Nothing but women with shaved heads. You can imagine how well that goes over.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When my friends ask me if i remember something a few months/years ago that happened, i usually reply:    "I don't remember, that was to many drugs ago."  
  as i enter the kitchen,.. my eyes drop straight down onto a plate. and on this plate laid an eggo. suddenly, songs of poetry poured through my body. as emotion ran high; an epithany. joy turned to worry, as the light broke through the window of my soul and wrapped across my face... i dontknow where im going, i dont know what im going to do when i get there. like electricty; heart skipping. i reach for something to catch my balance. but this balance was unatainable, free. worry twisted into ueven disappointment, as i realize summers alomst over and i didnt do anything... i didnt even get laid. shaking now... and cold.. as if, where blood once flowed,.. now ice. whatday is it? fuck. i dont even remember what i did yesterday. unrequinted love once caged me, but time set me free, now ive turned my head on time.. my one true friend.fuck, what day isit? poetitic words filled my mind,along with subliminal thoughts of anger, joy, and depression.  and then i realized it was just an eggo,... and it was tuesday.   and then i ate the eggo.  
  BiG and i have decided that nothing is better than eating bacon off of a married woman's back.    
  my dont we have a subjective notion of justice?  
   Even as she becam e more excited and tense, she could not, WOULD not shake this  thought that inside, there must be something more sinister, like straight out of a Jim Thomson book.. Sweat glistened on a once confident soul.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I was like 8 and at my grandmother's house for a family reunion. Everyone was outside in the backyard, and I had to shit BAD. I went in the house, but the sun was going down, and it was kinda spooky, so I just held it and went outside.   Fastforward 2 hours...   I can't shit...at all, and I am crying bc it hurts so bad. So the relatives (yes fucking ALL of them) take me to the bedroom, hold me down on my stomach, pull down my pants, and drop an anal suppository in.    No matter how hard you squeeze, you cannot stop that thing from going in.      That was the best shit I ever took  
  drain all the liquid off your ramen noodles and stir in a little bit of peanut butter and hot sauce lowbrow thai food  
  More carnival commentary...  I find myself firing a badly taken care of BB gun at a tiny piece of paper, trying to find an outlet for my aggression at this hole in the ground.  Polka music strikes up behind me, and I'm filled with the urge to turn around and fire a hail of metal pellets at the old folk who have been prancing around all day long.  Before I do, though, I realize I'm out of pellets and my daydreaming threw off my aim.  Damned carnies.  
  The last time I flossed my teeth in the car, I used the last bit I had in the container.  I hastily threw the strand aside when the light turned green and didn't think of it again until today.    I was driving back to work after a huge burrito lunch, which lodged half of Mexico's bean crop yield into my teeth.  I found the old strand of floss in a cupholder encrusted with residue from old soft drinks, melted lip balm, and other debris.  I flossed with it anyway.  Funny how two wrongs make a right...  
  I recieved a crockpot with a removable crock for Christmas. Who really wants a crockless-crockpot?          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i wish i was a river boat gambler... then i could wear garters on my arms, and have one of those really cool things where a gun/knife comes out with a flick of my wrist. and best of all, i could all the girls "doll" with out getting a dirty look  
    My friend Stein and I had an argument about who was crazier.  This from the guy that says g3h, belongs to nintendodorks.com, and compares me to a fox in a bowl full of cold, stale  oatmeal.    
  This morning, my left nut hurts for no good reason.  Not an auspicious omen for the day.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               why is it that i have sexual fantasies nearly all day long at work about every woman or girl i've ever met, usually to the point of a full erection and sometimes gently massaging my penis under my desk, then go home to my sexy-as-hell girlfriend at 4 o'clock in the goddamn afternoon and can't muster up the strength to fuck the living piss and shit out of her?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I happened to turn on the tv at the moment a commecial for Max Keeble was playing. Featured in the commercial is a young boy who remarks "Hes got phatitude". Im gonna use that word from now on.   
  Back when I was about 12 years old some friends and I rode our bikes down to the park.  My hunger raged on through our journey, so much so that I couldn't take it any longer.  I ate stale, cold McDonalds  french fries out of the parking lot garbage can.  My friend ate some too.  I would do it again if I was hungry.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The devil is misunderstood.   The name Lucifer means "light bearer"    It was originally the name of the star that would preceeded the sun; Venus's counterpart (Venus being the star that preceeds the moon).    So, one of the guys who was translating the Bible from Hebrew made a monumental error (or acted out of religious inspired hysteria)& cursed the poor morning star (as well as the name Lucifer) forever.    Moral: Name your kids Lucifer!!! It isn't the name of the devil after all!!! Plus, your son/daughter, Lucifer, would love you sooo much!!!    (This is actually true, learned it in my wife's Comparative Mythology class!)    - irony@whowouldathunkit.com  --------------------------------------- no. lucifer was a fallen angel.  he was the brightest angel.   bright.   the word comes from the latin meaning light.   thats where the name for the morning star came from as well.   Sigh..i suppose many lowbrowers havent taken latin  
  One time out target shooting I decided to put an AP (armor piercing) round into an engine block that was laying around. It was about 60 feet away and me being a good shot put it right through the side. A second after I fired my head jerked back and all of a sudden something was burning at the corner of my mouth. I pulled out a small hunk of hot metal.  Fucking shrapnel sucks....  
  The last 2 years of highschool were a series of lowbrow moments for me.  The summer before my junior year, I was arrested for some bullshit B&E, and had weed on me.  Thankfully, under Michigan's juvenile protection act, I was simply sentanced to drug testing, community service and several "classes".  The classes and drug testing sucked balls, however, forcable community service has changed my life.  I was involved with a recycle/reuse enviromentalist place, which reminded me how much I'd enjoyed various environmental and geological courses I've taken in middle and high school.  While doing the whole college application thing, it dawned on me that I could use this knowledge and passion, thus I applied to a school with a strong environmental institute, and was going to major in geology, well, I got accepted. Getting arrested changed my life for the better  
  I'm leaning toward a forgetful delirium right now.  Who wants to dwell on shit.   
  if you sat an infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of typewriters, they'd produce a lot more lowbrow moments than shakespeare.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was six, my grandparents took me shopping. We walked into Worthington Coat Factory in a town in Idaho and I saw a little boy about my age loudly vomitting on the floor while his mother continued to shop.  At 20, I still can't bring mysef to walk into that store.  Reason #129 why I hate white trash....  
  There's a point in your life where the phrase "Oh you look so cute... i could just eat you" COMPLETELY CHANGES!  
  Once while in France and needing to piss, I finally found a public bathroom in a petrol and rushed in. All the stalls were closed; locked. I looked frantically for the maid--it's not uncommon for maids to be resident in men's restrooms in Europe with a tipping bowl in between cleanings--there was none.   In the panicking silence, punctuated now and then by drips and grunts from the stalls, I noticed something. The wall opposite the stalls was... stained... There was a drain at the bottom, and little tiles elevated somewhat around that drain. This was rural France, of course! I hadn't noticed it right away... I ported with the wall as best I could, with my shoes positioned safely above the drain on the tile pads. I pissed on the wall as quickly as I could, hoping to be out soon. In America, I'd always had problems using the mass troughs in basball stadium bathrooms.  I finished to find the maid had emerged from one of the stalls. In easy-to-understand English and broken French I asked her how much the tip was.  She explained in a strong French accent and perfect English that she was not the maid.  
  she spent the first half of the train ride -- 30 minutes -- applying her makeup ever so carefully. brushes and colors flew out of her bag until her plain face had been transformed to something slightly less ordinary -- watching the transformation happen, i think, rubbed away some of the makeup's magical effects.   it wasn't until she fell asleep that i noticed the places where her eyeliner had skipped as a result of the train's bumpy ride, tiny blobs of brown interrupting the rest of the line. sort of like line segments.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
   More Fun With Metal Detectors  Cute cop. Awfully cute cop. As my stuff comes through the detector and I re-pocket it, I say: "You realize that this is all stupid. I mean - look at this cellphone here. It could easily be a disguised gun, and you would never know." She: "Oh, you just don't know how good this equipment is! Watch!"  She takes my cellphone and runs it through again, while showing me the display. I'm astonished that the machine can see right through the metal case and into the innards. But then I look more closely. Me: "That's great! But what if I was like John Malkovich, and I made a gun barrel to look exactly like that battery there, and made the trigger look just like that hinge? Thanks for showing me this!" She quickly shuts off the monitor, casts a worried glance around at the other cops, and goes all professional on me. I guess there's no point in asking for her phone number...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         moments like saying, "she was a horrible lay." only to have her mother be behind you, leave me discontent. at least on some level the person who overheard the comment knows it is true, so it is not lowbrow.  on a better note, Pabst Blue Ribbon is now in bottles.  
  I parked cars at a large Casino one summer. Here is the checklist from the unofficial employee handbook: Step 1: Check the glove compartment for weed.  Step 2: Check under the dash for weed. Step 3: Check under the seat for weed. Step 4: Check under the visor for weed.  Step 5: Check the ashtray for roaches. Step 6: If weed was found in any of the above, confiscate it. Step 7: If you found a gun in the car, never take ALL the weed. Step 8: Make sure you never returned the same car you parked.    
  i have to visit my dad cause my parents are divorced. my dad is living with his girlfriend, who has 3 kids. one girl is my age. she is a bitch, but i want to fuck her so bad. knowing this wont happen, i did then next best thing. it was a saturday morning, about 11:30. i had just woke up from my bed in the living room (cause the hoe turned on the tv to piss me off and wake me up). she then sat down and began to read a magizine. there is a couch in front of my bed, but it ends around my chest (so i can still see everything going on in the livingroom). knowing that she couldnt see me, i put a blanket over me and began to masturbate while looking at her. just as i was about to cum, our eyes locked. she gave me a look of confusion, and then went back to reading. i came and she didnt even know what happened. best damn orgasm i ever had. damn i'm good.  
  I was getting real hungry tonight so I decided to cook some sausages and eat them with rice on the side. Well, three seconds before I went to the kitchen, my brother and his friends come up from the basement slumber party he's got going on and go to the kitchen to make food. Trying to be a good host, I sit down and decide to let them finish first. 40 minutes later they all go downstairs and I drag my hungry ass into the kitchen. This is about the time I discover that my brother helped himself to all the sausages I wanted to cook. So I grumble and look around for a meat or meat by-product to substitiute. I find these fucking 4 month old scallops in a bag in the absolute back of my freezer. What the hell I figure and fry them. Of course, the light in my kitchen is burnt out so I'm cooking in hot butter in near pitch darkness with no shirt on. I think I'm going to need a skin transplant. As soon as I'm just finishing making my plate, grabbing a fork and putting away the frying pan, my brother comes up from downstairs with a friend. I guess he felt bad or something cuz he offered to split a joint. So here I am, stoned out of my head and eating my scallops and rice. I don't even fucking like scallops and rice.  
  American's, as a nation, have a very high opinion of themselves.  This optimism has helped put men on the moon  and the hubble in orbit. However, this same unbridled and swaggering confidence must be tempered with reality: Remember we are the same nation that gave the world "Cheez-Whiz", "TV Dinners", Oscar Fucking Mayer Weiners, and the "Corn Dog".      
  I work in a school district warehouse.  This morning while working in the walk-in freezer, I noticed a case of tater tots had split open.  About 6 or 7 tots were scattered about on the floor.  I scooped them bastards up, and tossed them in the microwave in the office.  Five minutes later I'm munching taters.    I taped up the torn open case and sent it out to one of the schools.  
  Why do we ask how people are? Do we honestly think that they're going to say, "Well, my husband beats me and beats my kids. I haven't been happy since Daddy left, and I take valium religously to make the pain stop,"?        
  I had my first and only anal-sex orgasm with this guy I never liked too much in the first place.  He was sleazy and was too into Bukowski for my tastes (I mean, I like the guy's writing but don't model your life on it fergawdssake) but I'll forgive almost any character flaw if you can make me laugh for hours.  It was incredible though - the orgasm hit my by surprise and was so intense. His penis must've had just the right curve in it 'cause I've never gotten off from anal since.  Too bad that ass had to go and tell all his friends about it.   Too bad he gave me an STD on top of it.  I still hate him.    
  So...  I gave notice at my job this week. Basically meaning I'm not doing any work for two weeks and then I won't be coming back.  I've been reloading low brow for about an hour now. I think it's too much when you do actually see the same moment twice. It's a sign maybe, cause it was a funny one. It's god on my side or something. Giving me a little tickle because he saw how I enjoyed that particular moment...or maybe it's just that I need to go to a few more sites today or just fall asleep at my desk.  Yip. I was going to do that but I quit so now I'm not.  
  The American singer Lou Rawls never did catch on in Britain, though he tried long and hard.  I hope somebody eventually explained to him that his name literally translates as "toilet paper."  
  so i was sitting on the toilet taking a much needed shit. i happened to have a badminton racquet and birdie that i had purchased a few days ago. what the hell, i thought, and started playing with them, by myself, on the toilet. it so happens that my elbow travelled in such a way so as to accidentally hit the toilet flusher lever. COOL, i thought, and kept volleying. then i stood up, wiped my ass, and looked down at the empty toilet. WHOA, i thought. WHERE DID THE POOP GO? oh yeah, i flushed it while playing badminton with my pants at my ankles.  in addition to all this, it was one of those dry poops where little to no poop ends up on the paper and you don't have to wipe much at all. suffice to say, it was a shit to remember.  
  I went to Applebee's with a formerly cool, now bible-thumping friend.  Our food came, and she began praying.  After she finished and crossed herself, she looked at me, and there I was: doing the Sammy Sosa fist-to-chest-kiss-your-fingers-peace-sign-thing.  
  I WOULD use a real e-mail address, if I could just take back the one about whacking off while wearing my neighbour's soiled panties on my head...  
   So I was on break at work this summer chilling with a buddy of mine who had come by to grab some lunch when we decided to actually sit down and calculate the sheer number of crimes and felonies we've each commited. I think by the end of it my count was up around 6 or so felonies, and many misdemeanors (seperate crimes not how many counts of each) but nothing too serious, my buddy on the other hand... He was somewhere around 13 or so felonies and many, many, many misdemeanors. For a lower-middle class Jewish kid living in the Jersey suburbs he had everything from Statutory Rape, Smuggling, Dealing very controlled substances, Arson, Robbery, Pimping a couple of girls out to friends for drugs, and many many more. Oh yah, and for that final little touch of lowbrow-ness his mother is a drug-counselor/nurse who confiscates kids drugs and takes them herself as well as stealing sandwiches from the patients. God I love Jersey  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What the hell is up with Matthew Lesko?  You know him, the guy that sells his fucking worthless book about how to get free money from the government.  Prancing around on late night TV in a green suit covered with question marks, screaming about free grants and loans, all the while making you ponder why he thought that coming across as a mix between Carrot Top, a used car dealer, and the Riddler struck him as the best way to sell his shit.  You Go America!  
  At a frat party last fall, a friend and I decide to participate in Schlitterbahn shots.  This is where 2 channels are carved into a large block of ice.  Participants stand below the ice block, put their mouths up to the channels, and someone standing above them pours liquor into the channels. I'm pretty short and I notice my mouth doesn't quite reach.  I try standing on my tiptoes but that doesn't help much.  I'm starting to wonder if this will be a problem when... WHOOSH!  I'm now covered in Goldschlager.  What a sticky situation.  
  I got a friend who was over in Greece.  He got plastered one night and went walking around one of the cities there.  I puked all over one of those old statues of a god and then he passed out.  A cop woke him up the next morning and told him that he better be more careful around there.  8 out of 10 rape victims are guys.  
  So, were necking to beat mad in my driveway in her fucking orange Pinto wagon.  I'm feeling brave and full of hormones as only a 15 year old can be.  I stick my hand up her shirt and start rubbing her nipple.  She seems to like it, and I am encouraged.  It's my driveway, and I know that time is running short, so I suggest we get in the back seat.  "Some people aren't meant to be lovers," she says to me, with the wisdom of another hormone-laden 15-year old.  I didn't know how to tell her I just wanted to play with her tits some more.  (A fucking orange Pinto wagon.  Can you believe that shit?)  
  Last year when I came home for Christmas break I woke up at 7 AM to hear my mom screaming at my brother to get up so she could drive him to school. Then when she got back, she wrapped several boxes for mailing. She tore the tape off, rrrrrip, rrrrrip, rrrrrrip, about ten feet from my bedroom door. I crawled out of bed and huddled on the floor, biting my arms in unutterable misery.   This year when I came home for Christmas break I stayed up till 4:30 AM on the computer. At noon I woke up because my dad was yelling at me to get up. I had a cold and a sore throat that made it hurt to breathe, let alone talk. That's when I realized that I would be stuck at home for six weeks straight because I couldn't get an on-campus job over break. I'd lost my (nine-hour-a-week, minimum-wage) job due to "downsizing" the week before. I had hardly spent any time with my dearest friends over the past semester, preferring instead to hang out with a film major whose intense coolness made me feel like a worm. There is no chance I will get a laptop, which I could really use, or even a Walkman this year, for Christmas or my birthday, which are two weeks apart. And I hate myself for staying online for five hours at a stretch to look at pictures of Eminem shirtless.   It's not just that I hate the holidays. I just realized that this is life, and it's not going to get any better.   
  j-pop ate my brain.  
  we had a big fight with my new hasidic landlords in my newly-renovated, former slum-dwelling over keeping our bikes in the hallway. they said they were a fire hazard.   the stairwell is plenty wide to get two abreast past them without problems, and there are only 8 apartments in the building to begin with. went round and round with them until we finally lost. didn't want bad relations from the get-go, and we did kinda see the point.   as we were sitting back in our apt. bitching about our defeat, my roommate noticed something (a little too late) that would have helped.   there are no smoke detectors in our apt.   mothefuckers!  
  I got some very strong mini-cigars as a random gift from my aunt. No idea where from, but smoking one of them did make me high as a kite.  Smoking them in front of my mother, lying on my bed in my underwear, that was just the cherry on the lowbrow cake.   
  I'll take it up the ass. Figuratively or literally, I don't mind. I just need to get out of this fucking shitty state. Anything is better than Texas in the summer.  
  one night, a couple of years ago, i was really horny. i just finished jacking off for the first time of the night, and remember a really cool websight i found on the internet, with lara croft from tomb raider naked. so, i went down stairs, not thinking that the motion detected lights would go off, and wake my mom. at the time, she was suspicious of my, and probably thought that i was going to go downstairs to smoke some pot or something. so, im down stairs and im looking at a picture of Lara Croft, naked, spread eagle, and she is saying something along the lines of "fill me up, im so wet" or something or other. so im starting to jack off, and i hear a little flicker, possibly a light going on, but i figure, hey its probably the cat or something. so i continue doing my business, when, in mid-stroke, i see my mom out of the corner of my eye. My heart stopped for a minute out of embarrasment, and the picture is still on the screen and my dick is in my hand. then she gives me this speach about how "jacking off" can become a bad habbit. the only thing i could think of to say was...i wasnt jacking off, i was adjusting myself. needless to say...She didnt buy it  
   >> I once drank a pint of my own piss for fifty pounds.  -s_hundleby@creations.co.uk   jesusfuckingchristallmighty limey. If they ever give out awards for this lowbrow shit you  might  just win...  
  I was at this girls house and we just got done having a conversation about sex.  Then she asked me if I "wanna go".  After I opened my mouth, I realized she was asking me to leave.  That's when I inserted my foot.   
  My girlfriend and her friend -both cute. -"Yeah, that guy you were sort of seeing when I lived with you down on Blah Street." "Remember how he was always trying to get us to sleep together?" -"Yeah, he was always hinting around at that. He really wanted to see us get it on."   I sort of chuckle, as though to say 'geesh, the nerve of some people, huh?'.  "Hey do you want a backrub?" -"Yeah!"  Oh dear lord please please please let this happen    
  Overheard in a diner on the corner of 86th Street and Lexington last night...  "After the customers leave, all the guys make us all take down our slacks.  They have bets as to whose is longer.  They act like a bunch of eight year olds."  "Yeah, but they're all like forty, right?"  "Yeah, it f**king stinks."  
  And so I popped my marijuana virgin cherry last night.  Hoo-ha!  I am not the worse-for-wear, though I am feeling somewhat ravenous and nauseous (is that possible?)        
  I know this guy. He's annoyingly good. Yet somehow I have this crush on him. Of course my mom wants me to end up with him. The low-brow? I'd rather be alone and miserable than go with this guy and give my mom the satisfaction of ending up with the guy she wants me too.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'd been sick for about the past month: sneezing, sinuses filled with goop, really tired, etc. i didn't really have the time or the motivation to go to the doctor, or even to take the time to get well. i just didn't care.  then, one day, i was blowing my nose raw, as usual, when a shot a glob of snot the exact color and size of a golden raising out of my left nostril. i made an appointment that afternoon.  
  Screwing a waif in High School named Melody.   I have my cock so far into her little can that she is twitching and crying, if I can recall.    Her father, named Dwayne, knocks on Melody's bedroom door.  "Mel, you okay in there?"   I stop fucking immediatly and my heart drops in fear.  Melody, thinking I said that, screams, "you can't stop fucking me now you pussy...get your cock back in my ass"  I jump off her bed and into her bathroom as discretely as possible.   Melody's father yells, "Melody that boyfriend of yours better not be in there or there will be hell to pay."  Melody: "No dad, I was just talking on the phone with Amy telling her what some scumbag at school said to her boyfriend."  Melody's Father: "Okay. Good. I am going back to the office now. See you tonight."   If you were Melody's father, wouldn't you have walked in and kicked the living shit out of me?  I still don't get that.      
  So for a while one summer I worked in a deli. It wasnt a fun job, but whatever.   I worked in that little window where you place the finished sandwiches, and I could see all of the customers as they ordered their sandwiches.  If i judged a customer to be fat or ugly, I would usually fuck up their sandwich. I liked to give me four times as many onions as the sandwich required. It was also really fun to slide cucumbers or spicy mustard on sandwiches.   One time a man complained because he was allergic to cucumbers and his face was starting to swell. My manager looked at him and sayed "i'm sorry sir, but that aandwich doesnt come with cucumbers." He made her look inside the sandwich. Luckily I had only put one cucumber on that sandwich. It was the one that he ate.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my best friend related "the talk" he had with his dad while we were in high school.  his advice was, "son, no matter what you see in those movies, chicks don't like all that butt-screwing."  
  Angry with the 7 year old step-son's behavior.  Too tired to yell or argue or enforce "time - out"  Pick up cordless phone when he's in next room.  Press volume control key to simulate phone ringing.  "Answer" phone ...  Pretend conversation with Santa Clause ...  "Yes Santa, I know he's been naughty again..."  Step-son standing in doorway, chin on floor, eyes wide muttering  "Santa Clause CALLED ??!!??"  Phone rings in my ear, mid-conversation ...   Guess that spoils the whole Santa Myth  
  ive strung way too much laundry on this line    sorry           
  Singing along to "One of Us" in my finest guttural Beavis voice: "Yeah! Yeah!  God is great!"  I noticed Bazilian moaning "Yeah, yeah" in the background along with me. "Damn, that Bazilian is a genius," I thought.  "If only he hadn't let Cyndi Lauper work him over."  
   Taking a glance around the room, my eyes fell upon the upturned bottle of Mexican beer.  All i could see of his face was the underside of shin and with a backdrop of light, curly hair. He continued to hold the bottle to his mouth until the entire bottle was emptied, glug, glug down his throat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  whenever a friend of a friend goes clubbing, he lies to women, and tells them his name is Maleekwa (thats how you pronounce it i think) because he's black, and girls don't believe him if he tells them his read name.  his real name is fred, and he's been carded by incredulous women before.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I recently read about the complete work stoppage on a subway because they found a dead snake and the environmentalists went all hysterical about it. I have to wonder: 1. Did the snake happen to be of the variety that cures cancer or something? 2. What kind of idiot construction worker runs to tattle on himself for killing a snake? What, he couldn't just shove the carcass into a sack and toss it?  Then I decided I was worrying about the wrong stuff and went back to searching for kitten porn.  
   sometimes, after loading the groceries into my car, I put the shopping cart on the crosshairs defining four parking spots.   As the cart balances there, I hurry to leave before the cart come loose and rolls with ever increasing speed to its next destination.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My good friend came to visit this weekend with his new lady. She's very smart -- an ex-lawyer (the best kind). After they left, my wife found a fucking WAD of CHEWED GUM stuck to the guest room bedtable. We are talking like 3 pieces here. We know it was her because she chewed gum all weekend. What is up with *that*?  
  The thrill of my day was carefully opening my US Bank credit card bill and realizing that someone knew I was alive.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i faced the shelves behind the bar as she went off about how her boyfriend is a jackass and doesnt understand what emotionally security is blahblahblah waiting for the tender to save me i stared at the shelves i guess i couldnt hide my boredom she said are you listening im sorry i was distracted says i by what she demands in a voice berating me for my insensitivity that bottle of makersmark do you hear it its calling my name shhh listen hear it it was after she left in a huff i mean really like i dont have enough to deal with without her memememememe bs i spoke to that reddipped bottle for a good long time best conversation of the night cheers  
  im working the fat burger counter at the la count fair. having no money, eating on my break is no problem. as i can eat my weight in fat burgers if i want. but the problem is, that i walk around, or even go outside, and smell all the wonderfull, deadly treats that i can't afford. including my most beloved and revered heart attack button-the corn dog. i got money the other day not at the fair, so i went to the store and got some from there.  hardly a substitute.  
  the stretch limo -- one, two, three, four, five windows, each laced with little lights -- neared the comedy club slowly. two girls emerged from the skylight, first the frosted hair, then the kohl-smeared eyes, then the mouths, which were by this time only coated with rings of lipstick around the mouth's outer edges, then a bottle of champagne, then almost-matching black satin bustlines. the bustline of the girl on the left dipped slightly further than her friend's -- clearly, she had spent the extra cash for the push-up bra.   "1998!!!" they screamed in unison, collapsing into a fit of giggles.   the limo stopped. they descended. a beat, and then they were out of the car and on their way into the club, makeup repaired, fuzzy navels waiting.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Hotter than balls yesterday so I was out just driving around; my car's AC was working better than the AC in the house.  I was heading west into the sticks of southeastern Pennsylvania and saw a sign outside a church that said "Repent, sinner, or go to hell".  Immediately beneath that was a hand-printed sign that said "Free Ice Cream"  A little further west was a barn with a sign freshly painted on its side: "Future home of the world's largest hog farm"  Yeah, give me just one more good reason to move and I'm SO there.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I often find wire insulation and electrial tape chewy.        
   i started pounding on the key board another moment gave me the same moment no matter how i tried i kept getting the rats and tires story i mean its ok an all but dammit browser i need a fix addiction gets ugly       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         4:30 in the AM, and on our way back from papas in beer. a popular night spot in rosarito, mexico.  riding in a sedan... two people up front, 4 in the back seat, and one bravehearted soul in the trunk  shit... the federales not a single one of us is sober... even the driver they amble up to the window "you know there are too many people in this car? i'm going to have to give you a ticket" thew response came, "can't i just pay it right now?" "fine," said the mexican policeman... "$40, US money" my friend in the driver seat looks at him with a stern glare and rebukes "twenty." it was then i knew our night was not yet over  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         16/01/02  Instead of breaking up with him, I'm going to teach him how to get/be with other women. I told him it's for his self-esteem.  Naw, I just want an excuse to get my own action on the side.  Low. Brow.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I visited my buddy down in DC, and met his new girlfriend.  Lovely girl, Asian.  So anyway, he's taking me to the airport, and she's in the car, and she's like "I know a shortcut".  So I blurt out "Ancient Chinese secret?"    Then my friend beat me about the head.  
   How Soon We Forget...  There's a box been gathering dust for the last three years in a corner of my computer room. I can't remember what's in it, so I open it up. It's my CD collection! All of it! I had the same feeling once when I opened a heavy box full of dusty, scratched 78rpms. But what to do with these? I calculate, and realize I can fit all of them into 80Gig of hard drive space. That's about $70 worth of space, these days. I can see I have a long ripping session ahead of me...  
  the most stoic and staunchest atheist i know said  o jesus christ when we nearly careened into a massive maple tree very late one night dood atheism isnt a hat you wear to a party fear of death outs us all        
  My mom ruled the family with a fist of iron, or leather, or china, or whatever was handy.  She was so fucked-up sexually that we all had to pretend there was no such thing.  On holiday (vacation), watching a double feature at the movies.  Somebody must have sent the wrong second feature, which was called "Sunswept" and turned out to be a promotional film made by the British Naturist Society.  For the next hour, yours truly, twelve years old and  curious , sat wide-eyed while completely naked women cavorted on a beach (there might have been men there too, but who would notice such a thing?).  When we were walking home, my mother said it looked like a nice, sunny beach. Nobody else said a word.  
  I just read this on some news site:  "Performance artist Ansuman Biswas, 36, is helping Shugborough Hall in Staffordshire revive the 18th century tradition of having its own hermit. Mr Biswas is living in a cave among the Great Haywood Cliffs from Friday until Sunday evening as part of National Heritage Week. Indian-born Mr Biswas, who lives in London, wants to remind people of the need for "quiet contemplation" in the modern world." I don't know, I think I'll just continue to not answer the door, phone, or email and keep my amateur hermit status.  And for quiet contemplation, there's always the Brow.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ::beastie boys in the background::  her: you have lost all taste  me: really?, who of us likes abba?  
  It was the first time I had ridden a bike in, like, 10 years and I get out to the road and my friend asks "are you alright with that bike I lent you?"  I reply "Of course!  Riding a bike is just like riding a bike!  You never-"  at this point I hit a patch of loose gravel and go flying over the handle bars, landing in the middle of the road.  I look up and there's an SUV coming straight at me.  So I roll out of the way and lay on the side of the road bleeding and laughing for about 10 minutes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Well not really my moment... I worked at a Chicago tribune agency that was shared by my stepfather and this other guy. Well this other guy was drunk 24 hours a day.   One day in the office they share the drunk jumped up all of a sudden and runs to the bathroom... As we wonder why my, brother goes over to the chair and sees a big shit stain all over it... you can guess what happened, it was still fresh too. Drunk came out of the bathroom and cleaned off the chair and still used it. ewwwww   
  we were walking along 32nd  after getting out of the Garden. some dude walks by and whispers what sounded like "indigot". i freaked. i turned around and said "did you say..." he cut me off"yup". I ran to a bank machine and gave the dude a hundred bucks and sat in the park across from the Grace building and got my ass good and high until about 4 am, sitting in the bushes with a guy named pumpkin.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He gathered everyone around him.  The highly reverred teacher who is known for his knowledge on the subject.  He guestured to the glass-blowing tube and, in a matter of fact tone, announced, "don't touch it!  You'll sizzle.  ... in chem-izzle."  
        I hate it when i can think of the meaning of a word but not the actual word it self.  I was filling out a job application, having no formal education in the field i was applying for, but i felt i was qualified,  I recalled the meaning of a particular word that is defined as having no formal education in a particular field, but being fully qualified for that position.  I asked my friend if she knew this word, she said "It's unemployed".  
    Girls love guys with high cheek bones, smooth soft skin. "Perfect" bodies and teeth. Everytime I hear her talk about one I want to find the subject and break some ribs, maybe give them a few scars on their perfect faces/masks. The world has made for her a facsimile of values. JUst like so most.    But I won't do this, not for just that reason. I'm a man, and have nothing to prove to the untested. Why  must society/media blind so many?       
  Why do the little wastebaskets in the women's bathroom stalls have locks on them?  Are they afraid someone's gonna come along and steal all the nasty bloody discarded maxipads and tampons and keep them for themselves?  They can't be worried about someone using them to make a bloody mess in the bathroom... those things are absorbent motherfuckers!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have a friend who is a huge miss cleo fan  (you know...the "jamaican" psychic with all the infomercials) now this may constitute a full moment in itself, but there is more he refers to her ads as "shows" and speculates as to when the next "episode" will air  
  If you are not from California, especially Northern California, please do not say 'hella'. We have the copyright. (And people will probably think you're a dumbass unless you're a teenager.) If you are not from California, north of, say, Santa Cruz, and you use this word, you are a poseur. Much like myself when I speak British English even though I'm from the Bay Area.  
  She asked me how things were going, so, I told her.   The guy sitting at the next table laughed, "My great aunt was eaten by a pack of sled dogs, and my great grandfather escaped from prison.  But compared to your life... my stories are -nothing-."    Thanks.   At least my life is a source of amusement for someone.    
  At the tone, please leave a massage.  When you have finished re-gourding, you may hang up.  Or press Juan for an operator.    
  Last night, while doing laundry I was reading Details.  I was reading an article about online DJ's and their "radio" stations.  This isn't so much the lowbrow element (although reading details is pretty fucking low).  The element came to me as I was reading further along in the article  --  there was with a DJ named "Hot Karl."  I learned  -- through a parenthetical reference in the article -- that a "Hot Karl" is the act of a prostitute taking a shit on another person.  "Hot Karl," indeed.  
  deeply into a stolen moment of passion and intimacy in her parents bed, we both heard the solid "thunk" of a car door closing in the driveway out front.    panic stricken we throw on our clothes in seconds flat.  i launch myself into the living room recliner just as the key unlocks the door and in walks her mom ...   chriss walks out of the bathroom brushing her hair, " hi mom".  just then sparky comes trotting out of the bedroom and runs directly up to Mrs. Bourne triumphantly shaking his catch from side to side.    In his teeth,  a drippy condom proudly displayed for all the world to see... i hate you sparky.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i picked up the bowling ball and prepared to throw. he learned in and whispered in my ear "if you get a strike I'm going to fuck your brains out tonight". needless to say, it was a gutterball. oh well, he did anyway.   
  I've decided that I want to fuck LaDeeFrickingDa (too).  I imagine that the girl in the lowbrow banner is LaDeeFrickingDa.  Then internet reality steps in and I realize that LaDeeFrickingDa could be a 300 pound bald man in disguise.  Then lowbrow reality steps in as I wonder what's worse, wanting to fuck and internet persona, or actually wasting time trying to validate that fantasy.  I wish I could log off now.     
  if our gracious hosts ever had need of an army, a party, or used panties  i bet they would get them.  i bet they already have.  recalling the lows to which some have sunk, i'll bet they have gotten much much worse (or better, if you're into that).  
  I had been living with my girlfriend for but a few short months. We had been dating for just over five years and had gotten over the whole being embarassed about farting in front of each other (a great milestone for someone as skilled at passing wind as myself). So one night she has fallen asleep one the couch while we were watching movies. I am not far behind just beginning to dose off as this enormous rumble jolts me awake. "Don't worry she's asleep." is my first thought, but it is cut short by a slight giggle followed by some teasing about how only I could wake a room up with a fart. This one's a keeper ;)  
   Hands cuffed behind me, I develop the notion that this hypocrit cop is endangering everyone around us as he speeds at 70 mph in a 35 zone toward the station.    Me: Is it illegal for me not to have a seatbelt on back here?     Him: That's what the grill is for.     Comforting to know that if this fucker rear-ends someone, he eats the airbag and I get pushed thru a metal grill like so much play dough.      Protect and serve indeed!   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "You had me split wide open," she said, smiling.  Her orgasm a minute before that was LOUD and long.. I licked and sucked her sweet cunt.. oh, it was good.  She'd just had a bubble bath.  That was the best pussy I'd ever eaten. I came on her bedspread and she came in my mouth.  The "lowbrow" end of it is that I used that whole episode as a way to get rent and pot money from her for about two years.  Never ate her again, just kept reminding her of it.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 16 and working at Taco Bell I put both feet in my mouth.  Only about 2 weeks into the job I was hanging out with a co-worker.  We were going to get some fireworks or something and he said he had to get back soon to cover Shannon's shift.  Still new, I did not immeidately recall who "Shannon" was.  Then it came to me! She was a very large woman who also worked there. "Oh! Shannon's that big fat cow right!?" I said.  "Yeah." he replied, "That big fat cow happens to be my mom."  I'm still pulling toe-jam out of my teeth to this day.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I used to go out drinking with this one crew and we'd frequently hit karaoke bars. Our goal was to start fights but leave before we got involved. We'd grab other men's asses, knock people's pool cues out of their hands, bring liquor and beer into the bars, hit on people's girlfriends in front of them, and do REALLY bad karaoke.   So one night we're at this sushi resturant that hosts a karaoke night after 8. The beer specials begin after I've been drinking whiskey all night, and I switch to the ultimate in disgust: the one-dollar Budweiser draft.   Drunk.  Quiet night - Sing a little Johnny Cash, Duran Duran, and the Who - until we see a limo pull up outside. This kid we called "Pee Wee Herman" (because of how much he loved him) grabs me, points, and yells "Let's go throw beer at them!" This strikes me as a great idea - so we run out, one-dollar drafts in hand.   Two Japanese guys grab us on the way out: "NO BEER OUTSIDE!!!" Ok, we say, and I put mine down. Pee Wee doesn't listen and shoves the guys aside. They grab him and throw him out of the bar. They grab me: "What is his name!" I don't tell them. They kick me out, and tell me if they see us in there again, they're going to call the cops. Pee Wee goes out to his car and gets some empty beer bottles to throw at the bar's glass doors and windows before taking off.   Me, I snuck back in, sang a rousing chorus of "I Walk The Line", and got completly trashed on cheap beer.  
  My good friend came to visit this weekend with his new lady. She's very smart -- an ex-lawyer (the best kind). After they left, my wife found a fucking WAD of CHEWED GUM stuck to the guest room bedtable. We are talking like 3 pieces here. We know it was her because she chewed gum all weekend. What is up with *that*?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Maybe six years ago or so hanging out down at the river with Luke playing guitar and smoking.  Some older biker types came hiking through toward upriver as I am tuning the twanger.  Just after they passed I kicked Luke and played the opening licks of "Sweet Home Alabama".  All them bikers turned around smiling.    Ever since I keep that riff sharp.  It hath soothed more than one savage beast.  New years eve 2000 I held my flatop close at the countdown ready with that same lick in anticipation of Worlds End at midnight.    It would have rocked.  But  noooooooo. . .    
  I pooped my pants right in the middle of the street in Soho.  I had been sipping a strong french roast and basically gambled and lost.  Appologies I send to the kind ladies working in the nail salon where I disposed of the panties in which I laid my mud pie.  
  my friend wobbled into the living room, topless, and sat down on the floor. after a few minutes he slowly toppled over and passed out, right next to my chair. a guy walked over and threw a blanket over him.  "no, don't do that," said someone across the room. "the blanket covers up his nipples." quietly, the guy reached out and pulled the blanket back. "thanks," said someone else. it wasn't MY lowbrow moment, but my friend wasn't even awake to experiance it.  
  A couple summers ago, I had a slight crush on my (female) best friend in the whole world, and I had been slightly involved with another (male) friend of mine for a long time.  [I'm female, by the way].  Although my female friend claimed to be bi, she showed far more interest in my male friend than in me. They spent far too much time ignoring me that night, so I took matters into my own hands . . . . literally. On the way back, we were all in the back of chick-friend's mom's car (her mom was driving).  Subtly, we were all fooling around.  I had my hand down my best friend's pants, and until a few months ago, she assumed it was my MALE friend.  I kept pushing his hand out.  She claimed he was very good.  Hah.  
  My (now)ex and I had just finished some amazing sex.  We achieved simultaneous orgasm, and sat there, gazing longingly into each other's eyes, lost in the moment.  Just as we were smiling serenely, one of us adjusted, and emitted the loudest chest (skin on skin) fart I've ever heard in my life. We broke up laughing and didn't stop for nearly half an hour.  It definitely killed the moment.  I'm still laughing about it now, actually.  
  I used to know a guy who played Pecos Goofy at Disneyland.  He got fired for flipping off a kid.  
  Important revelations I have had:  1) No matter what the reason, people always get upset when you kick their dog.  2) The same goes true for little kids.  3) When ladders are not secured to your vehicle, they can cause accidents.  4) Contrary to popular beleif, shoving a straw up a frogs ass and blowing does not inflate the frog, it just leaves you out of breath.  5) There is no way to explain to your parents why you pissed on their sofa and have three kegs in their living room.  
  remember that show "Kids Say The Darndest Things"? if that show were called "The Mentally Handicapped Say The Darndest Things,"  and the exact same lines were said, the public would raise a shitfit.  
  To everyone, a little background.  I saw a post by bloodymess@fingercandy.com1/2 in which she describes the need to urinate, the possibility of fingering herself, and being on her period and out of tampons.  She also describes how she's thinking about leaving a used tampon, the "chunky" kind, tied to the lamp pull strings for her mother to find later.  bloodymess@fingercandy.com1/2, you are absolutely, positively, without a doubt, sick and disgusting  Can I have your phone number?  
  Late this morning, I saw a guy walking towards the convenience store. He was in his bathrobe and slippers, with a newspaper under his arm, a gigarette dangling from his lip, and was holding a Pyrex&reg; measuring cup with coffee in it. I'll probably spend years wondering just what it was he wanted at the store so badly...  
  My life is never going to improve unless I stop using windows solitare to predict the future.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The light at the end of the tunnel is a brilliantly illuminated scoreboard that says God 7, Humans 2.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In 6th grade, a horrible year, the "popular" girl is telling me how she knows I live in a trailer park and my family is poor.  She then sits on the art table into a full paper plate of brown paint, in her white parachute pants.  I tell her I don't live in a trailer park, but my house burned down earlier that year, and yeah we're poor.  I don't tell her about the shit colored paint all over her expensive ass pants.  I learned about karma at an early age.   
  oh dear god.  I'm dating someone I met on the internet personals.        
  There she was selling herself in the beautiful blue dress.  Me: Why are selling your body to gross men?  She: Because you made you stupid pimp!  Me: Oh yeah.  Heh.  Why do you let me?  She: I want the crack.  Me: Why do you want crack?  She: It's the only thing this crackwhore can cook.  ****  I then fell in love with Jessica.        
  The back of my apartment meets up with the garages of the more expensive apartments across the street.  In one of these garages lives a family.  They are renting it for $100 a month from the man's older brother until they "get back on their feet".  Their 4 year old boy has the best mullet I've ever seen and aparantly doesn't own any clothes other than denim shorts and black nike high tops.  As if this isn't lowbrow enough, the man of the garage came over to yell at me for throwing my cigarette butts off the balcony.  I'm wonderin' if he also recycles thoes Pabst cans.  
  Myself and two other guys were living together in a house in arlington  We had a pool table.  We rocked.  We made a $100 bet of who would fuck on the table first.  Next week, one of our friends notices a white stain on the table.  "What the fuck is this!?!?"  He didn't know we used 3M spray applicator to re-felt the table.  I still got $100 out of him.  
  my high school english teacher announced to the class that she was going to have plastic surgery and would be out of school the next 2 weeks.  when we enquired as to the specifics of the work, she said she would be having her ear-lobes trimmed because she thought they were to big.  without thought, i blurted out, "WHAT! now there will be nothing left for me to nibble on!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in college, my friends and i went to a lecture given by Barry Williams, better known as Greg Brady. Afterwards there was photo session. i had one pic just greg and me, and another with all the girls and greg. he seemed to be pretty upset about the fact that the film needed to be wound between takes. after we stepped down from the stage kelly yelled "you just pissed off a brady!" i looked back and asked "did i just piss you off?" he said "no, i'm just tired"  
  I was in art class in sixth grade. Doing collage projects. One of the other boys found a picture of a naked woman in one of the art magazines we were sifting through! Holy shit! We all asked him to give it to us, he said no. Some asked for just part of it. He said no. Then someone says make it smaller before the teacher notices. He figures they're right and clips it up with some blunt-edged scissors, makes it smaller. The seed of paranoia has been planted. He cuts off the arms. Then the legs at the knee. Then at the waist. Then cuts off the head, then the stomach, and then upper chest. All that's left is two breasts. Then he says, "Someone might notice still" and he cuts in half right between the two breasts. He now was the owner of one tit, and he slipped it into his pocket, broad smile on his greasy face. He seemed to still get a kick out of it. Didn't really look like anything any more.  We were all so jealous of him.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         An argumentative Englishman was in a pub in the Scottish Highlands.  He got irritated at all the kilted locals standing around speaking Gaelic, when he just  knew  that it wasn't really their native language.  He tried to explain to them that Gaelic was actually a dead language, doomed to eventually vanish.  Big Hamish: "Just exactly how do you mean, 'dead?'"  Cecil: "Well, no new words are being created.  When Gaelic needs a new word, you just take the English word and call it Gaelic."  Big Hamish: "Hmmm -- can you give me an example?"  Cecil: "Let me see ... very well, what is the Gaelic word for 'spaghetti?'"  Big Hamish: "I see ... well sir, I'll tell you the Gaelic word for 'spaghetti' if you tell me the English word for 'spaghetti.'"  
  So I'm at the Stater Bros. (a grocery store for you non-Californians) and I'm third in line.  The guys at the register ring up (in my estimation) about $110 worth of food.  After everything's bagged up and back in the shopping cart, the one that's paying dimly shows the cashier the credit card and explains, "I only have $80 on my card."  [sigh]  I wish I'd picked up a handbasket to hold these four 2-liter bottles when I first walked in.  
  I remember when I was in the first grade.  I picked my nose, and it started bleeding.  As my first grade teacher took me to the nurse's office, she was asking me about my nosebleed.  I wanted to tell her that the bleeding was in my left nostril, but I was afraid that if I used the word "nostril" she would think I was trying to be smart by showing off my vocabulary.  I didn't want her to think that, so I told her it was "in my left nose".  She seemed puzzled by what I was saying, but I kept using the phrase "in my left nose" even so.  Eventually she said "you mean your left nostril?" and I said yes.  It was fine after that.  Grade school can be so weird.   
  Three tacos with hot sauce, i am going to be feeling this all morning long...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I returned from school to find my mother in front of the computer, crying. It struck me as odd, because my mother used the computer less often than she used facial tear wiping tissue.  She told me she had put the dog to sleep. That didn't explain why she was in front of the computer.  She started going on about how it made her feel, and how the dog was her first baby because she hadn't had me yet, the pet store she bought it in, and other uninteresting facts that I will never be asked to recall, even on the most obtuse episode of Jeopardy.  I wondered how long it would be before I could check my EMail.  
  Last night I was looking at a bunch of MP3s that my boyfriend had gathered, and the name Giorgio Moroder came up.  I proceeded to explain how he was sort of the 'brian eno of the early 80's new wave scene' and how it was he that made the band Blondie absolutely huge by bestowing his extra-spesh production talents to their 1980 hit 'Call Me'.  This morning, on the way to work, I saw a billboard on a bus that said "the 8th habit of very effective people: you are what you know".  That being the case, I guess I'm a bunch of pointless bullshit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was about 7-8 years old when my mom asked me if I knew where my Play-Dough factory toy is: With this toy you applied pressure on a lever to squeeze out Play-Dough out of one of many changable formed shapes-- hearts, a plus sign, etc.  Kinda like having a toothpaste tube squeeze out toothpaste in different shapes.  Pretty messy toy, too.  Anyway, I couldn't find it.  My mom made me look for it some more.  I thought this was odd because she never asked where *any* of my toys were, much less this one.  And it sure was odd that I couldn't find this one toy that she requested for me to find...  And just as odd she had a wicked gleam in her eye as she saw my confusion.  I filed that look away for future processing.  After a lot of confusion on my part, I admitted to her that I couldn't find it.  I was punished for "losing" this toy with a light spanking and being grounded for the weekend.  Thirty years later I know she deliberately threw the toy away, took pleasure in my scurrying around to find it, and enjoyed punishing me for the "loss" that she caused.  Gotta maintain discipline with the kids, no matter what.  That's my mom.       bitch.  
  I told my little brother I'd give him two hundred dollars if her grew a full-on, no-holds-barred, Patrick Swayze-quality mullet.  Now I'm out two hundred bucks and he just got a haircut.  
        Ever notice its the guys who are the biggest homophobes who are slapping each other on the ass in the changing room?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           I stepped over the broken glass and potting soil strewn across my kitchen floor, making sure not to drop full Buccaneers cup of orange juice.    "I'm taking the kids to the sitter now", my wife screamed over the crying babies from the garage.     "k'", I muttered heading down the hall and into the bathroom closest to the frontdoor.     Putting down the orange juice on the counter, I kneeled down and emptied my breakfast into the toilet with a splash and a strange groan.The world spun and slowly steadied itself.      Wiping my mouth, I noticed on the corner of my eye a now empty bottle of Olde English 800 peeking up at me from the garbage can.      I glanced at my watch.      "Shit.Work in 15 minutes."    
  So it's the day after Christmas and most of the people at work are on vacation this week but hey, somebody has to defend the country and it may as well be us low-ranking US Air Force boys, right?  Anyway things were very slow today. I didn't do a single productive thing. Instead, I picked my nose all day and stuck the boogers to my desk, trying to see the biggest one I could yank out of there. I found some disturbingly large ones.  I call the big one "Phil," named after my roommate.  
  You know you've been hanging around your boyfriend too much, when you notice your farts start to smell like his.  
  A couple of years ago me and the wife went to Hot Springs AR. Nice little town. Well the hotel we stayed at had been there for like 80 years and had its own bath house using, of course, water from the springs. We both decided to get the full bath & massage but they have separate facilities.  Well I step in and basically there's a rack to hang your clothes on, about 5 other guests, and 3 older black attendants.  Step 1: Whirlpool bath where one of attendants scrubs you head to toe with witch hazel.  Step 2: Dry sauna at 115 degrees for about 5 minutes.  Step 3: Wrap up in a sheet to hold the heat in and HOT fucking towels on your knees and shoulders.  Step 4: 30 minute full body massage.  Now after being in front of so many strangers naked and letting them touch me was wierd but damn I felt good afterwards. I get back to the room and wait on my wife...waiting, waiting, waiting.....finally she shows up. apparently the whole thing freaked her out. Took her 45 minutes just to get undressed.  I went back the next morning and acted like I owned the place.  Modesty has it's place but not here.  
  Between my gate and my front door I ve been finding a lot of stuff lately: dozens of loose political flyers dropped in a panic; a pile of  The Watchtower  spilled in a mad rush to exit; even a necktie.   The sign on the gate says  Beware of Dog , folks. Its there for a reason.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in my dictatorship...  i would dress criminals up like clowns so that it would be more fun when they were executed...  
  Has anyone noticed the old lady beating a cat against the wall as though it was a rug in the background of the 'Bring out your dead' scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?  I did, so rang my Dad and told him.  Hysterics followed, then his exact words were 'Stop playing with the drugs and go to bed'.  Sorry Dad, forgot you were doing the same thing at 22.  2 Generations of MJ & MP.  Cheers Dad!  
  i always clam up when i go out to bars....everybody seems to have so much to talk and laugh about.....i run out of conversation after 20 minutes..my next move logically is always to head over to the jukebox and lineup 10 bucks worth of songs to get back at the people who have "oh" so much to say....        
  My best friend is the most insane person I have ever met. When we were in high school, she made the comment that would really like to be a fly, so that she could listen in on people's conversations. This fly concept really took off for her, and she went into great detail as to what kind of fly she would be. She described the fly as having her face and her wrist while the rest would be a regular fly body. She was talking about one of her grand schemes as her life as a life when someone suggests she merely use the phone. She gets the most dumbfounded look upon her face and in all seriouness blurts out "but wait, flies can't use the phone!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ... 38 attempts which took me back again to that lame login screen...  "Sorry, that handle is already taken by another user"  What happens when you want to think about something poetic, strong, edgy, innovative, insightful (om2kxfg! I said insightful)...?  EggMcMuffinFart  Couldn't figure out anything stronger than that.  Think lowbrow.  
  One cold winter eve I took a shower and grabbed random pants and a sweater out of my dresser.  When I put them on I realized they were both black.  I thought this was extremely funny.    So it was even funnier when I put on black gloves and socks with a black cloth for a head covering.    And I thought it was hilarious when I went outside a half hour before my dad was taking down the Christmas lights.  H  e never suspected a Ninja to pop out, which I guess, is why he bolted inside and locked the door.  I finally calmed him down 15 minutes later enough for him to let me in the house.    I think he still believes I'm a highly trained assassin out to get him.  
  My old roommate made an audio tape of my ex and I having sex then looped it and spliced it into a song.  Fucking little bastard.  Why can't I be that creative.  
  Call me an elitist bastard, but I think that if they don't want to learn math, they shouldn't have to.  It only makes the job pool that much better for me.  
  I finally got her in my bed. After going down on her, we decided to go a step further, but of course I don't have a condom. Somehow she finds a weird heavy-duty plastic condom with velcro on it, and it doesn't even fit me. God fucking dammit. I can't even get laid in my dreams.  
  Note to self:  When someone asks "How's it going?", it does not mean they really want to know.  You remember what happened last time...        
  He stumbled drunkly towards the sliding glass door.  "Hey guys, come check out this  AAAHHGGG!!!!!...."   Hit point blank with a stream of skunk-spray.  We slid the door closed and locked it as he flailed around blindly, tripped over a bicycle and landed in the kiddie pool.    We eventually let him back in the house, but only after we washed him off with the garden hose and a jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce.   
  quote there once was a man from gdansk who wore electrical pants and i can never remember the rest of it come on its gotta be funny endquote        
  who do my hands smell like bacon bits?  
  Hanging out -- fully sober -- at a friend's house. Said friend asks me to ring up a male friend of hers and make the following statement: "Hi, stud, remember me? Oh, I guess you wouldn't; you were pretty drunk at the time..."  Took about fifteen minutes to convince me that no, it wasn't unduly cruel. I did it. I've never heard a guy panic so much... I got an attack of conscience, told him that it was all our mutual friend's idea and handed her the phone to let her face the music. Left the room. Came back to hear her incredulously repeating his last question: "So what's her BODY like?"  Turns out that she'd made me make this phone call in the hopes that it would be the perfect prelude to setting us up as a "couple".  Sadder thing: it worked. Until I found out that he was a five-timing scumbag, but that's another Lowbrow...  
  One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: 'Darling, would you give me a blow job?'  Horrified, she replies 'Are you mad? My parents will see us!'  Him: 'Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?'  Her: 'No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?'  Him: 'Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!'    Him (horny as hell): 'Oh please, please?? I love you so much!'  Her: 'No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!'  Him: 'Oh yes you can. Please?'  Her: 'No, no. I just can't'  Him: 'I beg you ... '  Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for fuck's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...'      
  last year after i had been having sex with my girlfriend for a good 2 months her parents somehow found out via internet  point of interest:  they figured she still knew nothing about sex  after finding this out what is the first thing you think i did? confort her? run away? nonono...i checked the north carolina laws against statutory rape and to see if her parents could prosecute  
  One time I was cruising around a local city and we have these fake deer that businesses get apinted to make the city look prettier and there was this drunk lady with a camera trying to get up on one. I walked over to her and she had me hold her camera so that I could take a picture of her. The deer are a good distance off the ground and it takes a lot of effort to get up on one. Well, she got on it, until she fell right off the other side into the road. It was quite funny, maybe you had to be there.  
  I'm in charge of the Youth section at my newspaper, and I've done some pretty great things with it in a matter of months, if I do say so myself.  Lowbrow 1:  The high schoolers writing for me do a consistently better job &#151; meeting deadlines, getting photos, basic grammar &#151; than many of the adult reporters here.  Lowbrow 2:  The geniuses in our advertising department think it'd be "rad" if we changed the name of the section from the succinct, accurate, all-encompassing "Youth" to something "hipper," like "Yo!" or "Stuff" or "Whatever." Huh. Ever wonder why kids these days keep shooting grownups?  
  I saved up all my most gory tampons and pads one month and then late at night dumped them over the fence where that goddamn dog that never shuts up lives. There was a brief silence, then a chomping sound. The next day I waited to see if anyone living there shrieked out in digust at what they found, but apparently the mutt ate everything. So let that be a lesson to me: next time soak the things in Drano.  What makes this lowbrow? Think about it, saving stuff like that... c'mon.   
  ok, so they made those new whistles that you're supposed to wear while you're swimming... and if you're drowning, blow the whistle right?  well how the hell are you going to blow a fucking whistle if you're drowning? no air comes out, no air comes in... i don't understand.       
  Summer camp, many years ago.  The place has many forms of toilets, the worst being "biffys", wooden shacks over concrete holes in the ground that are occasionally cleaned. Well, two groups worth of kids one day had the occasion to lock one of the counselors in one of these biffys. Not only that, but groups of three or so took turns running across the field it was located on and throwing their preteen bodies against the wall of the shack, watching it rock back and forth. Meanwhile, on the sidelines, we sat and laughed at the poor man's shrieks of terror, thinking that this was something they should put in the brochures for the next summer....  
  if you ever spill your weed in a shag carpet just put a sock over the vacuum cleaner hose to salvage it. you may smoke some synthetic fibers or potato chip crumbs but at least there will be less spilled weed in the  world.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Oregon Must Be Boring  Hitchhiking somewhere Deep In some forest that seems to go on forever. Yet another log-filled truck picks me up and deposits me at yet another deep-woods diner. 5-6 people are watching TV, so I look up. The TV set is showing only greenish whorls, with the occasional ghostly outline of a face. The sound is pure garbled white noise. No cable out here. I finally figure out that the customers are just loving this episode of "Dallas"   
  My old neighborhood had its own strip club.  It was, like, the local watering hole, but with topless dancers.  Not girls from the circuit, but girls who only work there.  Some are almost hot, with some flaw that keeps them off the circuit - too much belly, cellulite, a bit too old - and some are petty damn awful.  But it beats the hell out of the model-wannabes at Trummps or BT's.  It's still there, 20 years later, and my new work-school-home commute has me driving by twice a week, so I'll stop in for a little slice-o-life strippin' after class sometimes.  Last week, I pull in, and the parking lot is jammed - never seen it like that.  Turns out, there's a birthday party for the mom of one of the dancers.    Dancer's a clumsy scrawny fake-id-lookin kid, she's up dancing, mom and all her trailer park neighbors are whoopin' it up for little girl flashing her titties.  Another dancer brings her a dollar, they do a little fake lez action, mom looks on approvingly - "That's ma baby!"  THEN, this young guy walks over to their table, yanks off his shirt, starts dancing in front of mom.  turns out the girls pitched in, hired a male stripper.  The whole bar's watching, of course.  Mom's a little gray and wrinkly, and has that trailer thing going on, but she's not bad, and clearly enjoying herself.  Stripper keeps shedding more clothes til he's down to a thong, mom's heating up...  ...and she takes her top off.  A little saggy, a little skinny, but not bad - she's probably 40 or 45.  Her pals are cheering her on, dancers are all cheering her on, and I'm thinking that THIS has got to be the most lowbrow thing I have ever seen in my life.  It might sound great now, but I couldn't get a lapdance that night to save my life.  
  I had quite a party tonight. People took their shirts off playing DDR, we all got somewhat drunk, I had 5 people on my bed playing around with each other, my girlfried wrote her name in hickeys on my back (which she took pictures of), we looked at porn on my computer, then I got laid.  
  When typing "hotmail.com" into your browser, be sure not to type "hotmale.com". It's not the same thing.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
   POW Dentistry 101  Living in the Japanese POW camp at Changi, Singapore, there were little or no medical supplies. So when my dad needed a tooth extracted, the good camp dentist, working with what he had, selected his instrument of choice for extraction: a pair of pliers. Next, from all the available anasthetics, he chose two big military police, one on each side, to hold him down. Halfway through the procedure, my dad realized something was wrong. There was no way to communicate that, however, since he was already screaming. The bad tooth was fused to another one, so a large chunk of his jaw got ripped out. Fast-forward four years. Back in Blighty, free at last, my dad walks into a dentist's office, sits down, points to all of his teeth, and says: "Get rid of them."  
  My girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy on her mother's bed.  A little bit of this, a bit of that, nice and sweaty.  For reasons beyond my control, my penis was acting up and remaining rather flacid.  Not one to want to leave my girlfriend high and wet, as it were, we tried a few things. All failed, and i was left in shame with my cock between my legs.   But that is not all! Oh no no!  My girlfriend noticed something on my thigh. A round rash, dark red on the outside, pink on the inside. I have crotch ringworm.  
  i set my alarm for 3 in the  morning just so i can  masterbate while everyone  in the house is sleeping. uninterupted.  
  My roomie had a broken leg. I went to pick him up at school and parked in the handicapped spot to get his wheelchair in the car. A van pulled up into the spot next to mine and HALF A MAN hopped out. his body stopped at his waist. he bounced like a beach ball over to the back of his van where he unhooked a skateboard, plopped himself on the skateboard and scooted away.  I felt like a shmuck, so when I walked away, I limped.  
  In trying to help my old dog into the back of the truck, I inadvertantly shoved my thumb up her ass. She and I were equally shocked and horrified.  
  Vinnie Paul, drummer for the heavy metal group Pantera, recently took up golf.  He decided to build a golf course, with a full titty bar as the country club. After finding out how much a golf course costs, he changed his plan. Opened a titty bar. Called it The 19th Hole. Vinnie Paul.  A man with priorities.  
  WWJDFAKB (what would jesus do for a klondike bar)  
   BrewPub #105  I'm flirting with the woman to my left, who is married to my good friend Jerome, also to my left. Me: "What's he got that I don't got?" (Jerome is black, she's white, and between us, we push the race thing purty far) She holds her hands about a foot apart. The three of us laugh. Guy sits down on my right, asks if his smoke is bothering me. Me: "This is a BAR! This is the last friendly refuge for smokers! Don't ask!" Here's the question: Why is it, that even when I'm actively looking for just one good woman, I always seem to make a new guy friend, invite him to my motorhome, and have a wonderful evening together. Of course, we always spend the first half-hour convincing each other we're not gay...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             ...getting caught reading lowbrow at work...with really dirty moments...twice...    
   Not Understanding The Concept #11  This from a Catholic priest (NY Times): Mr. Burkholder said yesterday in an interview from his apartment on Oahu that his lawyer had barred him from discussing the cases in which he has been charged. Still, he ventured that there had been, on the boys' part, "maybe a willingness, a need for affection or something, that they were looking for something." In an interview with The Detroit News that the newspaper published yesterday, Mr. Burkholder said his relationships with boys were "always a two-way thing." "The boys work in the rectory with the priest and you just get friendly. You sit down in the rectory and have a Coke. It's a mutual deal," he said. "An affectionate thing and a friendly thing." He said he mostly fondled the boys, but sometimes had oral sex with them. "It's a friendship between two people that has been made into something horrible, rotten. People are trying by hook or by crook to make me look bad. Some of the accusations are true, but so what? I was a priest, a good priest, who had a weakness."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walk into the bar bathroom, find a stall and start to do my drunken pee routine.  And as i'm sitting there relieving myself i'm looking at the wall in front of me.  All of a sudden i turn to the guy next to me and start to go into a rant about  "who the fuck brings a pen into the bathroom, let alone takes the time to write all this shite..".  We continue our conversation all the way out of the bathroom until we go  our seperate ways to our seperate friends. Funny what conversation can be had sometimes..   
  Every time I get in a relationship, I find something wrong with the relationship or the girl.  Then when I'm single I miss getting laid all the time.  
  Some prick stole my brand new pair of jeans from the laundry room in my apt building today.  I fucking hate everybody.  
  not mine, but this needs to be documented here for sure:  i have this friend, he works with his dad, doing carpentry and stuff, dad specializes in ornate staircases. Did a staircase for his buddy once, a sweeping curving grand staircase kind of thing. it was a BONG. pack it at the bottom, smoke it at the top, whammo your smoking out of your house. that man is my personal hero.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Contrary to popular opinion, happiness is in fact not a warm gun, but more aptly warm underwear fresh from the dryer.  - moon2js@jmu.edu -------------------------------  Would bliss be warm underwear and a warm gun?  
  So one time in Chem class in highschool we were using these clamp-type things that were about three inches in length and had rubber jaws. I thought I would be funny and held it at nipple height just as my partner (a very cute Korean chick) turned around to ask me a question. Wound up tweaking her nipple, she got kinda pissed, but we wound up laughing about it by the end of the class.  I later found out from my chem teacher, who I bought a drink a few years later, that he used the image to jerk off to almost nightly for eighteen months.  
  Having noisy sex with my new girlfriend, presumably annoying both roommates and neighbors.  After we've finished, I realize that everything about my situation has already been written about on lowbrow.  The wet spot.  The inevitable Walk of Shame on the way to the bathroom.  The dirty sheets.  Even my wanting to ask how it was for her.    
  bogged down as the huge funnel of human condition crams the voluminous collection of low into the dear sweet brow         
  They were in bed.  "I love you," she said.  "If you ever feel the need to say that again," he gestured violently to the door. "Go into the living room, say it, and come back when you're finished."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         god you principled people. i bet i get more in a week then you get in a month. why? i'll fuck her, and her, and her and her. and you will only do the alternative one.  
  this guy i used to live with in college got drunk one night and shit his pants. then he threw the shitty boxers in the tree behind our house. it was funny watching him try to fish the boxers out of the tree with a broom.  ha ha. shittypants.  
  Notwithstanding that The Jerry Springer Show itself is incredibly lowbrow  How could women subject themselves to the humiliation of the "You used to make fun of me, now look at how hot I am"  episodes?    Inevitably the bully does not grovel, does not apologize, just picks up where he/she left off in 6th grade.  Speaking as one who was called "dog" and "lassie" in Jr. High, there's no way I would go back to try to make the people who called me that grovel.    To my mind the whole reason bullying and teasing exist is to build up the armor plating you need to move through life without breaking into hysterics every five minutes.  So thank you Brian, Adam, Clint, Dory, Stephanie, and any others I missed.  You helped make me the hard assed bitch I am today.  
  The video camera is facing my bed.  She comes over.  It stays off.  
  kinda didn't get along with my roomate last semester, actually, we didn't get along at all  after reading lowbrow i kept looking at her toothbrush... deviously plotting of what exactly she had to do before i stuck that fucker up my ass  i never ended up doing that, instead i would blatently be loud every morning at 5 am when i got up for crew, when she had just come in for bed a couple hours ago.  but i still wonder if my toothbrush has ever been in orfaces i've never seen  
  her conversation was garbled and distorted and i attempted to keep up with he rapid fire expletives and tried to glean what afflicted her says the shrink in training to me then i realized i was tripping and there was no way in hell i should open my mouth he did though he hurled best advice hes given to date i would guess        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was having my wisdome teeth out. No big deal you think? Well mine were growing the wrong way. THe bottom ones were growing down and the top ones were growing up.In my jaw and my skull they had to break away the bone after slicing through my gums. I awoke in a haze of anesthetic, not really sure of what was going on. Hey guess what i was going into shock due to something weird about the drugs they used on me. The got a big paper blanket thing and covered me in it then tucked it all around me. I looked at my parents and told them i knew what a joint felt like and from now on i wanted to be refered to as Mr. Reefer. They didin't appriciate this as much as everyone else did.  
  "So would you sleep with me for a milion bucks?"  "I guess. Thats a lota money."  "How about 50 bucks?"  "What do you think I am, a filthy whore?"  "Well we know what you are, now we're just negotiating the price."  *SLAP*  
  actually said he to me i wouldnt mind fucking bill gates you know hard as hell with no lube its when bill gates fucks me over and over and over again and i keep coming back to windows two k like some crack ho in need of a fix that i get a bit bent   
  Have you ever had to shit, and the sheer volume of gas you have fires the 'rea into the toilet at approximately 56 meters per second?  I love it when that happens, when it's over you feel spent...almost like you just busted a nut.  
  I once chased my best friend and his girlfriend around the room with my parents vibrator.  Funny thing?  Three days later, my EXTRAORDINARILY embaressed best friend comes to me and asks if he can borrow it. I ask "For Andrea?"  He refused to tell me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Three generations of white trash board the plane.  The grandmother, who can't be much over forty, already has the tired, wrinkled look of an old woman.  The mother, who can't be much over twenty, has already seen her share of trouble.  The son, who can't be much over five, is the most hyperactive child I have ever seen. Their seats are separated, two together and one apart.  It is decided that grandma will sit with the boy, while mom sits elsewhere.  Grandma tries in vain to calm the boy, who is literally bouncing off the walls. Soon after takeoff, the drink cart rolls by.  A coke for the boy, which is promptly spilled.  Grandma doesn t respond right away; her gaze is fixed on her tiny bottle of Jack Daniels.  Sitting beside her grandson who is throwing a fit amidst a puddle of coke, two thoughts cross the grandmother s mind:  What have I let my life become?  and  Come on, Jack.  Get me through this one more time.   
  At what point do you come to realize everything is bullshit and there is no point to it?  Maybe more importantly, at what point do you come to realize your previous realization doesn't matter by virtue of itself, so you get off your "it doesn't really matter" rationalizing ass and move on with life?    
  Once, when I was little, my dog ate glitter. Her poop was sparkly for three days. There is nothing funnier than multi-colored glittering dog poo. ~puck~  
  I suppose it's best for all concerned.   The constant thoughts of licking the panties off someone to whom you are not married is dangerous.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have been searching for a more hardcore alternative to lowbrow. Don't think it exists... online anyways          
  I once dated the assistant manager of a movie theatre.  One time, we waited till the theatre closed and spent the night locked in his office.  After jerking each other off and me blowing my load all over him, I went to take a piss in the men's room and he ran to the concession stand to clean the jizz off his body.  Suddenly I hear a door close.  The keys to the office, along with all of our clothes, were now locked in the office.  We were locked out, butt naked, in the lobby of a theatre that would be opening in 7 hours.  Fortunately he was able to call is friend who let us back into the office.  It was the only time in my life to date that I had to sit naked on cold concrete projector room stairs with cum on my hands.  Let's all go to the lobby...  
  collecting my thoughts in stall 3 yesterday (4/1) when an old guy walks in telling a younger guy why they call April snow "poor man's fertilizer"...  OG:..."as it falls thru the atmosphere it picks up Nitrogen and that's what fertilizer is, afterall..." (way shortened to save youse the mis'ry)  short pause and just before the old guy is about to continue...  YG: "I'll hafta check into that...sounds like a crock of shit to me"  (both laugh ...and i snicker thinking "my thoughts exactly")  YG:(sound of paper towel dispenser) "i'm leaving now but you can keep talking if ya want"  OG: "don't think i haven't done that before"  ME: "Thanks!!!"  
  After my drunk friend had been in the bathroom of the Japanese restaraunt for about ten minutes, I went in to check on him.  I found him standing at the sink washing out his underwear.  Dave, I said, what happened?  Did you puke?  Did you piss yourself?  No, he said slowly.  Those are the two things I didn't do.  
  SO my girlfriend had me tied to the bed, and started tickling me. I am very tickleish, and hate being tickled. I broke my ankle trying to get away from her. At the ER, she felt so bad she blew me while we were waiting for the nurse to come put the cast on.  
  One time my friend poured his own pee on me for no reason, then made a web site about it.  I have since found new friends.  
  Skeevy-recycled-paper-pickup-guy comes barging into my office today.  Apparently he got us two tickets to go see Once Upon A Time In Mexico.  I yawn and turn back to work on the computer.  "Well!  Do you wanna go?!"  "Not particularly...but...ok.  If you give me the tickets, i'll meet you there."  "Awesome!  I'll be there ten minutes before the movie starts so we can get seats!"  And so will I, my disgusting friend, but an half hour early and not with you.  
  Next Monday at my college is "act on your crush" day.   Tuesday is "hungover because you made a fool of yourself and then bought a bottle of vodka to get as smashed as your heart" day.   Who the hell thinks these things up?   
  so i was at a party with my friend and we were standing in the beer line.  it was taking a really long time and so she came up with a clever ploy to get us ahead in line.  she decides to allow the guy in front of us in line to finger her so that i can advance around the astonished group of onlookers and secure beer.  mission accomplished. i cock the server a nod of thanks. she pulls away the guy's hand and walks over to me to get her beer.  what can i say?  she just really likes icehouse.  
  My (female) boss asked me today  "Would you take it up the ass from a horse if it meant there would be world peace?"  i'm a guy, by the way  and no, i would not  
  i had boners since, god, maybe 10 or 11 years old.   around 7th grade, i had this slim, young math teacher who had long black hair and always wore courdoroy (sp?) pants.  i hated her, but i always fantasized about nailing her from behind and pulling on her hair.   so i'm sleeping over at my friend's house, in his parents' amazingly plush study, on their expensive new couch.  i find that the cushions to this couch are made of a cord material almost exactly like that of said teacher's pants.   i proceed to get on my knees on the couch and hump the nice tight space between the cushions. it blows my mind. feels just like what i thought my fantasy would feel like. i go overboard, can't stop myself, and blow a giant 13-year building of sperm all over the cushions.   i'm slightly disappointed at what jizm looks like. but anyways.  i feel wonderful and then panic at the thought that i'd just completely creamed all over my best friends' parents' expensive couch. i flip the cushions and hope no one ever finds out what i've done.  i humped that couch every other weekend for three years. i don't think anyone ever knew.  i went to the house for the first time in years a couple weeks ago, got trashed and crashed in the same room. sadly, they had gotten rid of the couch by then.  so i just jizzed in one of my socks and stuffed it in my pants pocket.  e e is driving the express bus to hell, and i'm sitting in the back, reading a porno magazine with headphones on.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In grade 8 during gym class we all had to run around the park.  One guy took a long detour through the woods and came back 5 minutes after all of us.  We were all sure he had to take a shit real bad and went behind a tree.  He claimed he was throwing up but we all knew better.  For the rest of the year we called him Forrest Dump.  
  i write poems in my spare time. now, after writing this poem and reading it over the first thing i thought was "what the fuck is this?!?" and then one of those voices in the back of my head said "lowbrow moment". the through the tone of the voice i could tell, it almost seemed that i was destined to write this for lowbrow. so here it is.   my idea of fun is lookin at chicks asses in the sun the tight ones just arent right for me instead i like a nice wide booty one that you can see from a mile away thats the kind i like in my sights and if they swallowed uranium, the glowing would guide me through the nights. sure,it may be a glowing green but hopefully no one will call the EPA to the scene.  i have a sick fucking mind, i know. btw, if you dont live in america, epa is short for enviromental protection agency.  
  Tonight this girl I like invited me out to the bar with her and her friends, and I'm 99% certain I woulda gotten some if I went.  I want to fuck her so bad..  But tonight I have the worst gas in the world, and I don't know why.  I can't shit and get rid of the gas, it's nothing but non-stop gas.  So my night consisted of homework and lowbrow.  Better to play it safe I thought.  Good things come to those who wait.  
  Three phases:  1. Leaving the Vaseline right on my bedside table, because I didn't realize how obvious it was.  2. Keeping the Vaseline in the drawer, because I didn't want anyone to know.  3. Leaving the Vaseline right on my bedside table, because I just didn't give a crap anymore.  It's like Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, except depressing and awful.  
  Growing up, one of my favourite foods was tongue. Me mom made it for us in many different ways. It was inexpensive. We loved it. Then one day it came to me: tongue is actually  tongue!  But I had to sit there, staring at it without eating, for two days, before Mom gave up and offered me something else...  
  is it just me, or is the word MOTHER included in SMOTHER. hmmm.         
  We bet my friend 10 bucks to grab the bug zapper thing.  He grabbed it and it shocked the hell out of him.  I left the party early, but my friends told me they rounded up another 10 bucks for the guy to hold onto it for 30 seconds.  Damn, I wish I could have seen his face when he was doing that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My father in the adjoining room blasts MAD TV. It compells me to anger. I contemplate his murder. I smile. Then I frown, as the television again blasts that filth into my auditory mechanisms. He turns it off, and climbs the stares. I return to Lowbrow, in peace.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I die I'm going to be propped up like Michael Jackson singing Thriller. Or I might just have my mouth filled with Ranch Dressing and everyone has to dip a carrot into it out of respect.  
   Life Is Sure Tough For Teenagers These Days  Two days after she fails to pay attention long enough to boil some water for me, and sets the kitchen on fire as a result, I need to use my stepdaughter's computer to test a friend's CD-Burner. I know her computer is exactly the same as his, because I built them both. I install it and test away. Works fine. I leave it installed for stepd to find and cream over (it's 12x faster than hers), but instead she comes to me bitching because she's offline. She asks when I can fix it. I'm dripping sweat, working hard on her porch and apartment, and simultaneously playing with my son (her brother) and making him some food. I reduntantly say I'm busy. She: "Well, can you find some time  soon?  I really need it." She goes back downstairs, unplugs my power tools so she can watch TV, then bugs me every time I pass. When her mom comes home, I realize I'm pissed, and vent a little. Mom: "Well, she really needs to be online - she has an online course she has to do homework for." (Yeah, you swallowed that?) Me: "Well, she can bloody well go to the library, for all I care." Mom gives me a stern look, but this time she actually listened to my venting, and I can see she kinda agrees. We walk in to stepd's apartment. She's curled up in bed. She's not sick.  She's actually jonesing!  I think delicious thoughts of leaving her offline for a week or so, let her go cold turkey... Naaah. It might be fun, but any lessons she learned wouldn't be worth the strain on the good relationship I have with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. Besides, having her online means that nobody ever sees her, including me...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         hint be wise if you decide to throw a bash and make two vats of punch  one named agent orange that consists of onefiftyone everclear and powdered hi c mix with no water and the other named purplejesustwopointoh that consists of cheapredwine fruit and liquid acid then you hafta be prepared to have snoring fieldhockey players near naked dweebs in soiled underwear broken furniture and vomit decorating your apartment the next morning a wise person learns from others mistakes  
  I'm giving up gorilla porn for Lent.  
  A very good friend of mine (helloooooo, SailorBarsoom!) just gave me a book to read today.    Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism    I haven't had much call for thinking about S&M, so it kinda surprised me to find out that she was into it, especially considering she was the epitome of "Goodie-Two-Shoes" when I met her.  To demonstrate, she was in her later teens when I met her (read: illegal) and 'damn' was a swear word.  I'm not sure if she's a dom or a sub, but either way, I'd definitely like to yin to her yang.  Just so's ya know, Sailor.  
  You know what is kind of fun? Having sex with your girlfriend on the couch watching a movie while your family is scattered around the house doing random things.  It's kind of surreal having to watch the rest of the movie with your penis inside your girlfriend because your little sister decided she wanted to watch the movie though.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The best thing about this site is the memories it brings back.  I'll read someone's fucked up moment and like a lost memory recovered by a quack shrink.......oh yeah, I shit myself too.  Lowbrow, cartharsis without the talk or the bill.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was standing in a MacDonald's waiting to place an order with a friend of mine.  Ahead of us now placing their order were two OBVIOUS Downs Syndrome teenagers.  The first one says "I'd wike a numbah twee pwease."  The other slaps his friend across the back of the head, and screams "No, you wetard, it's a numbah fouw!"  I totally lost it.  My friend was trying to inch away from me as I laughed at their predicament.  I am so going to hell.  
  I had to take a shower after a soccer game.  Except right after the game i went to a party at his house.   I made him sit outside the door while i took my shower, in case his mom came upstairs and wanted to know who was in the shower.   Little did i know, everyone at the party thought we showered together...        
  I still like waking up at odd hours with a nice, stiff hard-on.  Sometimes I play with it.  Sometimes I just enjoy it being there.    Once in a while I wake up my wife with it.  She seems to enjoy that.  I think it's because I don't do it very often.  
  i made a fast connection with this guy, almost two years younger than me, in my town, and we headed to brooklyn later that night. we drink, wander around manhattan, fool around in a park, find my car and get down for three hours. he was really sweet and we had a good time together, talkin and all that shit, laughin and buggin out....  i just found out that he was arrested three days later (my 21st birthday, coincedentally) and sent back to miami from new york on charges of murder in the first degree.     
  Way too fast on a back road driving home. I come around a corner about 20 mph over the limit.....right up a cop's ass.  *WINCE* "SHIT!" With me right behind him he slows down gradually but inevitably to a complete stop in the middle of the road. He steps out of his car and walks over to me. Damn lucky I put on my seatbelt... I smile as he looks at me, tryin not to appear overly guilty. "What's got you so happy you're just speedin around?" "Officer in all honesty, I just got a blowjob from my girlfriend." A pause. He leans over slightly and looks directly into my unflinching eyes. "Yeah, I guess you did. Slow it down around these curves." He proceeds to get in his cruiser and continue down the road. Man, talk about a better than average blowjob.  
  Note to self: Never puke on ammusment park rides. Even the best of families will hurt you.  
  IQ: 145, Placed in top 10% of the nation on the ASVAB. (Got a cool letter from Ronald Reagan, too!) Fluent in two languages, became president of my own corporation at the age of 28... So what do I do? Dick around on the Internet all day, downloading porn off of KaZaa, and reading LowBrow. (Oh, and I drink lots and lots of coffee)  
  My college room mate's dad died.  His mom was lonely.  Recently, my ex-room mate told me his mom had a boy friend named Dick.  My old roomie was leaving my drive with his teenagers in the car as I asked him to say hi to his mom for me and I hoped she was ok.  Without thinking he said "She's great now that she has Dick!"  His kids thought it was pretty funny.  
  First day of high school english class 11th grade and we had to introduce ourselves, a hobby.  It goes around a couple of people till me "Im Paul Pikasso and Im an alcoholic." nobody thought it was funny but me.  
  Normally, a guy buying a Tickle Me Elmo would strike her as cute, but this guy was just plain pathetic.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  After a most satisfying meal at the not quite local Sonic's I was rolling through a parking lot to turn around and go home when I spied a can of Bud Light sitting in a parking space.  I said to my co-pilot "I'm going to run over that can."  So I did.  The can was full and beer was promptly sprayed over the car in the adjacent parking space as well as the wheel well of my car.  I bet the guy driving the Jaguar X-type  will be pissed when he finds his car  is both spotted and reeks of alcohol.  
  setting:  high school pep rally.  entire school is in attendence.  Some lady is asking the audience questions. the type where the crowd just yells out answers.  I think they were trying to get the seniors to go on the senior trip or something.  it was a tough crowd, nobody was ansering out of the hundreds in attendence.    Pep Lady: "I have all this money saved up, what am I going to with it all?"  silence...  Some stoner in the senior section: "BUY A SACK!"  Everybody busted out laughing, and the principal ran up the stairs trying to figure out who said it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my mind has now been blown...  I have discovered a new concept in porn... my brother and his friend were previewing a bunch of random labeless porn they were given (found in the attic of another friend).  They hit the play button and saw a dwarf dressed up as one of santa's elves with a huge nose and pointy ears nailing a trashy porn star from behind.  Gotta love 80s porn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Adventures in College #2  Whenever my roomate came to me to whine about his girlfriend/back stabbing best friend/etc., I would always recommend whacking off to porn to alleviate the depression.  For some reason he thinks I'm joking.  
   More tales from Small Town, Upstate NY   Tom drives a '69 Mustang in High School.  Noone who drives a '69 Mustang in High School can do anything but speed.  He does.  80 in a 55 zone.  Police pull him over.  Tries to talk his way out of a ticket, but to no avail.  Enter Tom's dad.  "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I'M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!"   Father approaches as if to make good on his threat.  By the time he reaches Tom, Police Officer has disappeared as if by magic.  Tom didn't entirely escape the aforementioned ass-whooping.  He's a legend.  
  "Girl's don't poop." he said indignantly.  She laughed.  "They don't! The really pretty ones don't even pee!"  She laughed again and proceeded to extinguish the camp fire with her urine.  Needless to say, he didn't talk to her anymore.  
  My friend and I were hooked on coke so he decides to stop by a friend's house and see if she's home, finds out she's not and promptly runs off with her mother's pocket book and 700 dollars cash. He gives me a 100 dollar bill, i take it, we buy coke, do it he steals the 100 when going to buy more coke, its the only 100 dollars i would have made all summer...gone. He lied and said he got robbed in the projects while buying the coke, meanwhile I got a blowjob from  his slutty coke whore friend, *who was actually a nice person but very stupid*, in a dark parking lot behind a church waiting for them to bring back the coke. We dropped her off at her house after Joe lied about losing the coke.  So, early that morning we drove back to another friends house and cooked eggs as that friend went through his mother's jewelry to find more money, pearls, anything to trade for even more coke. After breakfast I went outside on a swingset and drank a half a fifth of Jack Daniels, crying I swore I never would do coke again. Done it a few times since with no problems. Later found out the said "friend" got hooked on heroin. I got together with him about 4 years later to hang out, we had a great time, until he stole my Starfox cartridge to trade for some heroin at a movie theater. I left his place pissed as hell, called him from home, told him he was a fucking cunt for doing that, *he denied it vehemently* and never spoke to him again. Saw him about 3 years later, still looks hooked on heroin.      Well, there's always LSD.      
  I'm a bit of a chickenshit when it comes to the harder drugs. [brave confession indeed considering my fellow posters' lives]. Booze is enough to get me by for now. But man, when I finally have a big enough nest egg to jump off the white-collar merry go round, long-term-effects be damned!  I'm going to climb that weed-ecstacy-blow-smack-acid ladder one achingly savoring rung at a time.  I just hope I have a really cool nephew, bastard child, or hip, young orderly to be a reliable supplier.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          So I have this friend that brought me some pie to work today. I walked in, and it was sitting there on my desk.  I have never enjoyed a piece of pie so much in my life! Seriously, it was the best pie I have ever eaten!  I started following her around asking her if I could eat more of her pie...  I hope noone sends me to hr.  
  the question was put thusly: "so what do you guys wanna do? we can smoke a joint, then go to the record store, and get something to eat, or we can go to the record store, get something to eat, then smoke a joint, or we can get something to eat, smoke a joint, then go to the record store... well?" decisions, decisions, decisions...   
  The power went out again, for the fourth time this week, and since we're in military housing, the local power company delegates maintenance to the base people. So I call them up, pissed as hell and want to know what the fuck is going on?  "But ma'am," they protest, "we got the power back up within two hours each time." "Big deal" I snort. "Can't you manage to keep it up for more than a day at a time?" Dead silence on the line, then I listened to a little Asian man giggle like a schoolgirl.  
  Man, my bottle of lemonade telling me in banner form that it is "Made With Real Lemons" sucks almost as bad as tuna cans being so fucking proud that they are "Dolphin-Free"...  or Scott telling me that this weed "Isn't laced at all, I'm pretty sure".  
  Way back when pictures on the Internet were a big deal and we logged into Unix shell accounts and used Pine to send email ... back in 1995, I mean ... Back then, one time Tony gave me access to his account. So of course I changed his preferences, so that messages he sent were no longer from "Tony C_____" but from  
  Sometimes I go into bars and try to order a nice tall Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Of course the bar never has it.  They just don't understand that white trash always tastes better on draft.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          We sat on the smooth linoleum, loosely gathered around the kitchen.  The talk focussing on high school reminiscence, evilly shaped potatoes, feministic masogenists, and every other type of mundane cereal-box philosophy.  And then,  right out of the blue, like some super-star-studded-Romeo, he demanded that she let him lick the freckles off her skin. No joke. He wanted to lick each and every single fucking one of them until they came off.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I told someone I'd "be there with bells on."  Looking back, wearing bells to a party is a surefire way to have a reason to go home early.        
  Since I *know* this is so interesting to all of you, here's an update on the old urinary tract infection:  Started a course of anti-biotics, which haven't done anything yet.  While waiting for the anti-biotics to kick in, I've been taking uristat, for the   pain.  The uristat's aenesthetic quality hasn't kicked in yet, but it sure does make my pee orange.  So now my urination is an even more colorful excruciating experience.  Bright orange pee with blood turning the whole affair a sort of vivid fire-truck orangey-red.  Oh yes, and the thousand red hot pokers in my urethra, too!  
  I just read wireho@hotmail.com's list of things that had been in his/her ass. (About 10 things, 4 of them being dicks)  My first thought was "Damn, that's it? I make wireho look like a virgin."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I spent so much time with her, especially on trash day. She did things her own way, because no one I've ever known before or since, has ever taken IN the garbage. She was beautiful. Her house smelled though.  I guess it stems from her days of taking in the cans for all the neighbors. Unfortunately, her actions went unappreciated because she brought them in before the garbage truck came.  
  I work at a bookstore where there is this retarded man who comes in from his job next door pushing shopping carts. He is forever reading the old Aquaman comics. One day I tactfully asked him why he liked such a crummy comic character. He told me "I dont know how to swim but want to learn...then I can go out  and drown my little brother!!" He then cackled and abruptly left.  
  Should I jack off hard? Or should I jack off soft?        
  I found, quite by accident, a recipe for stink bombs. I'm a naturally clumsy person, so now I have to weigh my options... the joy of actually getting someone in a really nasty way, or the possibility that someone will end up being me when I trip and spill. Little decisions pave the road to hell.  
  One of my "nerdy" friends gets so obsessed with his computer work, that he keeps empty 20 oz. pepsi/mountain dew bottles around so he can use them as a urinal.  And about once a week he rids his room of this collected assortment of pissfilled plastic bottles.  I don't know what to say to him, honestly, he's kinda the quiet type and I like him as a friend, but come on!  I think one day I'm just gonna say "yo, just take the extra 38 seconds it takes to walk to and from your bathroom"  
  I surfed stuffed animal porn at work last night.  The still shot of Barney the dinosaur with spooge dripping from his mouth had me in stitches.  Every time I think of it, I giggle.  Some things just never stop being funny.  
  To My Wife,  Just because you wait til 2AM to have an argument, when I neither care, nor have any valid points to make, doesn't mean you're right.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          vocabulary update:  the sometimes unisex hairstyle known as the mullet shall no longer be referred to as such.  from now on this business in the front, party in the back lapse of reason shall only be referred to by one of the two following options:  the kentucky waterfall  the canadian passport  as for underwear, men's briefs shall no longer be referred to as tighty whitey's.  they shall be referred to only as their proper title: banana hammocks.  
  Just got back from vacation in San Francisco. Why can't the number of "beggars" be limited to the number of "parking spaces"?  A seven percent drop in tourism there is explained by this ratio.  
  In college - mens bathroom first floor.  Scrawl on the wall read:  "This university isn't fair!  If they catch you cheating they give you an automatic F for the semester even if. . ."  blah blah.  It had been there for weeks.  Finally I was sick of looking at it and replied:  "Well if you would put all that time you put into cheating into fucking studying. . . ect".  Not that I was exactly the up straight student - but if you get caught, you fucked up.  Suck it up.  Two weeks pass  His retort was long winded.  A virtual essay (which I give a C+ to) in which he talks about income, geography, race, climate - the works.  The unfairness - (Unfairness!) of it all.  How he was soooo fucked over.   I replied that very day with a huge black permanant marker.  Giant letters:   "BOO HOO HOO YOU FUCKING CHEATER" .  The entire transcript was gone the next day.  Which in itself made me smirk but I wonder if that fuckhead ever read my last word.  If not perhaps he is reading this right now.  HEY CHEATER!  HOW THE FUCK ARE YA?!  
  My ex-boyfriend was a programmer, and he used to have a lot of boring books on operating systems and programming languages lying around.  My dad, born in 1926, walks in one day and picks up one of the books.   "Who's this Ms Dos?" he asked.  
  you tease me about being fat. i'm not.  you tease me about the long scars i have from two bouts with cancer.  you get pissed when i speak to any guy other than you.  you accuse me of cheating constantly.  you act like you are seven.  i look at you wide eyed and say no, baby. i've never cheated on you. i lied.  
  The day I lost my virginity (well, I probably lost it the night before, but don't remember), I woke up naked in bed next to a naked attractive blonde on psychiatric medication. We had a long slow fuck before either of us sobered up enough to realise we didn't like each other very much; slow because if I exerted myself I felt like I might die. I had my worst hangover in about 4 years at the time. It probably wasn't a coincidence.  
  while living in the dorms at college, me and my roomate drank. At the time it didn't seem like a lot. I particularly like 151 Bacardi. We started lining up the empty bottles on a shelf.  Now we drank in bars too, so this was just alcohol consumed within the confines of our room.  At the end of the year we counted 93 empty bottles that got thrown down the trash chute.  Over 40 of them were Bacardi......  and I never puked once.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Im browsing lowbrow while talking to my lover via aim who is married and "the princess bride" is on in the background, waiting for 11pm so adult swim starts on comedy central  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was a pretty dysfunctional time of my life.  I was living with my ex.  Her new guy (who was actually a former ex) was coming by to take her to a concert at a famous local Vancouver venue - with a famous dance floor.   Months before she and I had been at a concert at the same venue.  Part way through our concert, she - standing in front of me - reached behind her and undid my fly in the dark (we were both wearing black) and pulled open the back of her wraparound.  The audience pogoing on that sprung floor did most of the work. So, this night, she comes out wearing that same black wrap around.  I thought of her going to a concert on THAT dance floor wearing THAT skirt with HIM.  I felt a my stomach turn.  I held back long enough to walk across the room to her, and then let go. There was no way she was going to the concert in a puke coated skirt.  She ended up wearing jeans.   That's about the time our friendship started to go the way of our sexlife.  
  When James Bond does it it is suave and sophisticated but the one time i ever actually ordered a vodka martini shaken not stirred i felt like such a dickhead.   
   Clubmaster Gets Birdie At 19th Hole  My dad got in the national newspapers once, with the above cute headline.  Clubmaster at a golf club, he is sitting in the bar chatting with the pro one afternoon, when a grouse crashes through the window and falls, stunned, on the pro's lap.  With a single motion, my dad picks it up, strangles it, and tosses it towards my mom in the big catering kitchen.  After four years in a Japanese POW camp, I guess you develop quick reflexes for windfalls.  
  the only people I've ever had sex with have been prostitutes and drunken people at parties I cannot remember the names of.  I have a very small Christmas card list.  
  My boyfriend is on a cruise. To keep his often-horny mind on only me and to prevent the temptation of cheating throughout the week, I allowed him to take polaroids of me. Naked of course. He's rooming with 3 guy friends while on the cruise. How much do you want to bet that they will all see the pictures??? That's what I thought.   
  Okay, my freshman year in college I had this fuck of a roommate Ben Coen.  If you know this kid, you know what I am talking about.  He acts all cool with you to your face, and then he's all shady behind your back.  He lies, he steals shit... like I said he's a fuck.  There was about one week left of school and I was sitting with my other 2 roommates eating pizza and discussing what a fuck Coen is.  "You know he's gonna come in here and eat a bunch of this pizza if we don't get rid of it" one roommate surmised.  I suggested that I piss on the pizza a la Kevin Smith's "Mallrats" chocolate pretzel scene.  That fuck ate three slices of pizza that I personally urinated all over.  Three slices!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife is planning trips to see her ex-boyfriend behind my back. I only know this because I regularly read her e-mail and chat-logs and record every key stroke on her computer.  Ladies and Gentlemen, do NOT plan your cheating over the internet if your significant other is a software engineer!  
   The LowestBrow Sailing Moment Ever (The Strange Last Voyage Of Donald Crowhurst)  (No sex or body fluids, so just hit reload if you're currently fondling yourself, but this one puts chills through me, and it's not even really long.) Donald Crowhurst, a failed English businessman, convinced the small coastal town of Teignmouth to build him a catamaran to sail around the world non-stop by himself in a race. Wasn't much of a boat, and wasn't expected to last, but he set out anyway, against many stronger competitors. Months later, he was hundreds of miles in the lead, then his radio went dead, so nobody knew where he was.  (Don't worry -- this only  seems  to be a sailing story. It's  nothing  of the sort.)  When he came back on air again, he was about to round Cape Horn, still well in the lead. He headed up the Atlantic to claim the prize, and then vanished. His boat was found, weeks later, with nobody onboard, sailing along by itself.  (Finally, here's the LowBrow)  What investigators finally put together, after looking at his logs and film, was that he'd  never left the Atlantic!  He'd just sailed around in circles for weeks on end, sending fake radio messages about where he was, then went off-air for a while so people wouldn't realize where his radio signals were coming from, then when the other racers almost caught up to him again (after actually having sailed around the world), he  went back on air and started sailing home to claim the prize. But all those weeks of sailing in circles by himself, going nowhere, had completely unhinged him. His last log entries are truly from another planet, difficult to swallow without going insane yourself. (You can try: the subtitle of this moment is the name of a great book on the subject.) The investigators concluded that he'd simply walked overboard at some point. (Be sure to catch the sequel: "The HighestBrow LowBrow Sailing Moment Ever," from the same race.)   
  I'm wearing a red thong, with glow in the dark snowmen on it.  And I have nobody to show my damned cool underwear to.  *sigh*  Another night of masturbation for me.    
  So I get out of work and start my car. The song "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is on the radio and I laugh because that was the last song playing on that station when I got to work the night before. After it ends, guess what plays next..."Pour Some Sugar On Me!" It played over and over the whole way home. I have no idea what was going on, but it was very surreal.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once my friends took me to this dance club. It was supposed to be the hot shit and anyone could pick up a chick.  Of course I keep asking these bitches to dance and keep getting turned down. After asking about a dozen different chicks, I was starting to get really depressed.   Finally I asked this one gir to dance and she said she would like to but couldn't. I'm sitting there thinking what a bunch of shit.....stupid bitches.  I felt pretty low when she got up to go to the restroom and had a big cast on her foot....  Oh well, I like getting high more than dancing.  
  My dad took me to a vacant lot to see the burned out car that the mobster was blown up in. It was cool.  Helluva guy, my dad.   
  Never EVER hit a can of Safety Orange spray paint with a giant sledgehammer, no matter how light the can feels or how old it looks. You will look like a jackass. A bright Safety Orange jackass with a sledgehammer. Grab that can and throw it in a 55-gallon drum of burning trash instead. Trust me, I've learned the hard way.  
  The sudden realization that in general, the spelling and grammar are better on lowbrow.com than in software documentation.  
  those fucking kids were so goddamn annoying the best part was when i would take the canoe out each night alone, and the bats would fly all around me. then it was back to the goddamn noise amd idiocy. im glad we left early, but i still prefer those bats to people.  
  everyone says "don't be THAT guy."  well, i AM that guy. I will instantly slap your shoulder the moment you mention a sunburn. I will tell you you deserved it when you get dumped. I will fog up your car window and draw a huge cock and balls on it when you're not looking. I will lag behind in the mall, pretending to be retarded, screaming for you to wait up. I will fart loudly and violently in the elevator. I speak openly about my masturbation habits to anyone and everyone. I can be the most vulgar, insensitive prick you know. But you're my friend anyways.  How fuckin cool of you.  
  Three years and a month no alcohol or cigarettes but with each passing day I know, I truly know that things are gonna get real bad.  Bad in all senses of the word.  I hope that first drink taste good with that cigarette.  11.7.2001  
  I was just sitting here wondering "What if we had defeated Canada in the War of 1812.  The United States would be a hocky powerhouse!"   
  i know you've been wondering all your life..... What do restaurants do with all those bread ends? Well, at one Best Western Restaurant I worked in, we threw them all in a big plastic bucket under the toaster. Saved everything for those days we did turkeys with stuffing.  But that wasn't very often, and in the interim the bucket would overflow. So we would just stomp it down w/ our greasy, gravely, squished food covered shoes. I don't eat out very much anymore.  
  We were getting into some pretty heavy petting, when she sank teeth into my hand, and wouldn't let go.  So I grabbed her around the neck until she did, and then threw her across the room.  And she has the nerve to look all innocent.  Damn cat.  
  Clipboards have these nice big holes in the metal clip part.  They are the perfect size so that a 4th graders index finger can go right into the hole.  Down to the bottom third of said index finger to be exact.  The problem is that the finger won't come back out as it starts to swell and turn red.  Eventually you find yourself at the hospital with a purple finger.  The docter is wielding a pair of heavy duty metal tin snips promising you that he won't have to cut off your finger.    
  one of the most enjoyable social situations i have ever been in was with my best friend, his mom, and his mom's best friend right after his mom found out he nailed her best friend.  
  I just read a moment about pledge names for frat guys. At a frat party, I met a guy who introduced himself as "Wookie".  Intrigued, my roommate and I inquired as to why that was all he responded to.  Since it was a pajama party, he had a really thin undershirt on.  In response to our question, he pulled the collar down a few inches to reveal the hairiest chest I've ever seen.  It was all hair, no chest.  My only response was "okay okay!  I get it now!"  Lesson learned.  Never ask about the story behind those names.  Especially when they have something to do with Chewbacca.  
  A word about masturbation:  Even when it feels like you're just not gonna come and the only reason you continue fondling yourself is out of some sort of stupid pride, and you keep thinking, why can't I just accept that I'm not going to come four times a day,  Keep going.  Even if everything is practically numb and your mental pile of images and dirty-talk is exhausted by the time you are done, the results are often all the more satisfying.    You have conquered your genitals.  They said, "no, we're tired and you're not horny enough"  And you refused to take no for an answer.  Good for you.  Way to show those parts who is really the boss.  
   So this lady is throwing a theme party where people come dressed as emotions. The first guy shows up in all red:     "what are you?"     "I'm anger." The next guy shows up in all green:     "What are you?"     "I'm envy."    Then a guy shows up with no clothes on, a hard-on and a pear on the end of his dick...    "What are you?"    "I'm fuckin' dispair...."    
  My mother comes home from work one day and starts telling us about a new game her coworkers are playing. It's called Barbara Bingo and it's basically a bingo game based on things my mother says. From mentioning one of us (her kids) or her dog, or saying "fuck", or "Jesus Christ" etc. The cards cost one dollar each and the first one to fill up their cards win. This is what happens when you take a large number of women and shove them in front of computers in little cubicles...  I am applying to college like mad now.  
   Morocco  Three hours before dinner, my buddy calls and says his date had to cancel, so he'd like instead to bring a friend, who is from Morocco. Me: "Only if she's cute." He: "You have no idea." Maybe I don't, but I have a fertile imagination. I put the cookbook away and pull out a different one. They arrive, and she is exactly as advertised, and imagined. Woman could stop an express train just by glancing at it. I sit them down and serve the soup. Buddy: "This is great -- what is it?" Esther, quietly: "It's called boketof." Good -- she got that one right. She goes to the bathroom, and I bring out my bright red enamelled-iron tagine with the main dish in it. Buddy: "What the hell is that thing?" Me, smiling: "Just wait a minute." Esther comes back downstairs, and gasps: "That's the most beautiful tagine I've ever seen!" Me: "Wait 'til you see what's in it." Esther, wonderingly: "I have a nose. I know what's in it -- lamb tagine with lemon and olives." Ten minutes later, she turns to my buddy: "Who the hell is this guy? On three hours notice he just made two of my favourite dishes, perfectly." Me: "I'm your next husband, you dark beauty." Oops -- just a little too early, and too strong. Me and my mouth. All that effort gone to waste...  
  smoking some coastel chronic from BC in my old apartment, located in cracktown, campbell river, i go to the usually empty fridge to find some munchies. low and behold a jar or pickled asparagus that i had gotten for christmas and that i had been slowly eating, alas, it was empty. it did however contain the pickle brine, now, beign the jerk i am, i use my godlike powers of persuassian and call over my halfwitted roomate danny, along with him follows my best friend jess, and my other good friend bryce. i explain how i have just recently run out of pickled A. and tell them how good it was and that danny should drink it, he, of course objects. i persue, asking more frequently, and with many reasons why he should, i am making progress. i am almost about to get him to drink it, when my friend jess chimes in, "i'll drink it", now, not that i had anything against him drinking it, i just would have preffered my roommate to. jess, takes the jar of pinky green brine from my hands and proceeds to take a small drink.. after which he looks at us all and says "hey, thats good". my room mate then takes the jar and takes a swig, concurring that the concoction was tasty, bryce is next, he takes a swill of it and agrees. standing there, with all looking at me,i wonder, how the hell and i the one whos now expected to drink this shit, i grab the jar and take a gulp...it was actually pretty good... did i win or lose?  
  Always reminds me of a comment my old boss used to make (frequently)  When she's on her "rag" put some vas (vaseline) in her crack, slap it in her dirtbox and plow her like a farmer!   ****Reading this reminds me of some of the stuff my old boss used to say. Like when he saw you eating he would say,"whatcha eatin',tubesteak." when you'd ask him what he was talking about,he would say,"you know,the tubesteaks free but ya gotta work for the gravy." Also if somthing was really great he would say,"that's like a sore dick."When you would question how it was anything like a sore dick he would reply," 'cause ya can't beat that." He didn't work there for very long.He was fired a month after they hired him.I wonder if his sayings had anything to do with it.  
  A guy walks out of the bathroom, packing a soft-pack of cigarettes on thepalm of his right hand. "It's just like the airport, it flushes for you."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  cybersex with an old man with an ugly pic who thinks you're an 18 year old girl.  telling him you're a thirty year old man from south dakota.  watching him sign off.  
  we were talking about the move out  and i said, "it will be so nice to be able to come  home and have a drink whenever we  want."  she said, "I'm afraid that we're going  to become alcoholics."  and i replied, in all seriousness,  "probably only for the first year... so  that's not too bad."   
  mavis walked over to me in my hangover depression state and reached up and put her diminutive hand on my heated forehead foy e wubba honey foy e wubba i thought i was going to turn into a chicken or something amazing i felt much better         
  Jeff likes to work.  "I think that if I died and went to Hell, I'd just be here."  Work, Jeff, work!  
  Is it wrong not to like your life anymore?   - oh wait, my bad, typo -   i mean my wife...  not to like your wife any more...  
  As I sat there watching my new hot co-workers poke eachother in the boobs I thought to myslef, what a nice place to work.  
  I's at a party and there was this drop-dead, come in your pants, gorgeous, hot girl and all the men in the room, ALL of them, were falling all over themselves talking about her, yet no one had the balls to approach her.  They were still happy, just to be in her orbit.  Then someone realized she was a man.  And suddenly all the other men in the room became violently upset, pissed as hell, ready to kill.  I don't get it.  It's not like any of them had a shot with her anyway.  
  Playing Mario Cart, my friend offered the amazing comment about bananas, which can be dropped to cause the other player to crash:  "Bananas are only good if they are right up your arse".  
  i walked into the restroom at work to take an urgent crap.   3 stalls and 2 urinals. not a big place.   1 stall was already taken and it reeked in there--it hot, sweaty, jungle gorilla-reeked-- of shit, but i really had to go so i hopped into the far stall.  i covered my mouth with my shirt and tried to release the ass-id pent up in my bowels, which had been threatening to shoot out of its own accord until then, but i couldn't go until the other crapper left and then it took about 2 minutes to get going. and it really "went" when it did. i made bad potty.   i could see through the crack in the door that it was my boss who had done all the damage in there, as he washed his hands (he should have taken a sterile shower after that ruckus).  now i know why he is in charge.  i still can't believe my shitting was intimidated by that of the larger, hairy alpha-male.  
    Its a lot of fun to decorate people's rooms with gay porn while theyre out for the day.  Its a lovely suprise when they come back.  Lets just hope they are secure with thier sexuality  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yeah it was over a few years before we finally got into it.  Maybe 9th grade year, we started asking for quarters to get into the "rich" movies.  The rich movies were just the lastest ones in the mall, where it cost 6 whole bucks to get in after 7. I think.  Well alright, going on 11th grade, we've graduated into sneaking into the dollar theater, they just dont care, there's a gas station right next to it, so yeah, food.  So the most expensive thing now is the fucking popcorn , 4 something for a Large. Piece of shit bag.  Anyway, there's a free refill, they tear off a little flap at the bottom so you can't cheat them the third time.  So yeah, we're going through trash cans looking for untorn large popcorn bags that dont have too much spilled soda on them.  I think it stopped when my friend reached over onto the counter where the napkins are and got a handfull of cold spilled popcorn. I slapped him before he finished chewing. Then he kicked me in the shin.  I threw the can of napkins at him and we promptly ran away.  Then we realized how easy it was to sneak into the rich movies.  Then i moved away within that week.  
  I love it when, after sex, my girlfriend wipes her hand between her legs, holds it up to my nose and says: "Sushi!"       
  One day my wife was speaking to a friend on the phone about a program she had seen on tv the night before, she described it in some depth.  After she hung up I said to her how come she new so much about the program as it was on while I was making love to her.  She admitted she had watched it during love making, then paused and asked how come I new it was while we were making love??  And I thought I had got away with it...  
  it was a wicked xmas morning hangover.  after a festive holiday handjob, one of the cats came into the room and threw up a wad of tinsel.   
  She's drunk again and all over me. So I thought that's what she really wants, being unihibited and all.   I felt good until I remembered that after I left the bar, my girlfriend saw her kissing on two other guys.        
  This guy I've been seeing wants  to shave me because when we fuck,  the hair on my pussy gets in the way.  His poor dick gets rubbed red and raw, and a couple of days later, starts flaking.   What makes this a lowbrow moment?  His wife doesn't even notice.  
  My lowbrow moment happened last night...  In the middle of getting it on with this lovely gorgeous woman i start remembering some of the crap i've read in here and i couldn't go on because i was laughing so hard!  Damn you people!  
  today i got a plastic spoon punched a hole out of it then drew a black circle  on it allittle below the hole about the same size  i handed it to my freind and told him to stare at the dot for an extended period of time.  after about five minutes another friend of mine asks what it's suposed to do.  I answer "nothing, I just think it's fun to watch people stare at plastic spoons."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         yesterday i got sick from a poisoned taco. i think it was intended for someone else. nobody knows who i am.  
  My girl wanted a designer backpack.  I made such a big deal about how expensive it was, but she wanted it so badly she offered to let me video tape her giving me a blowjob. I said OK, only if I can cum on her face, and she agreed. I refrained from any sexual activity for like 4 or 5 days, and when it happened I shot the biggest load of my life all over her.  Porno stars would be impressed.  She was disgusted, and refuses to watch the tape.  I watch it every chance I get.  
  I was working in an office building as a janitor.  In this one office there was a tree sitting in a dark corner.  Every night a few leaves had fallen off this poor thing.  i would pick up those leaves and throw them away.    For about three months the same thing happen every night,  I would walk in to the office  and throw the leaves in the trash.      One night the last remaining leaves succumb to the fate of there fallen  brethren.  I picked up the leaves and i noticed something i haven't before.  Upon closer examination of the naked branches I realized that the tree was fake.    true story  
  I was at a party, and since i know the guy who organized, i could booze for free.  you can imagine, I was drunk as hell. you know, the phase that you are so drunk, that you don't remember that part of the party the next day ?  anyway, I woke up the next morning In my bed, with my sheets above my head. I thought, "how did I got home ?"  and then, I opend my eyes, "hey this arn't my sheets !" I sat up in bed, "hey, this isn't my room" I looked next to me "And who is that ?"  A few minutes later, the girl (i didn't know) woke up, and asked me the same questions.  What happend ?  I was really drunk, and so was the girl. (Alycia was her name) we were sitting at the party next to each other, both totally wasted. A friend of me decided to bring me to his grandparents, and lay us to sleep in the guestroom. (of his grandparents!) we were both totally drunk, but still awake, so god knows what we did...  funnest part was getting up, dressing yourself, and when we went downstairs we saw the grandparents smiling at us, asking if we had fun last night.  my reaction: "well, yeah ... i guess" and the grandma: "that's fine, dear. you didn't do anything naughty in our guestroom didn't you ?" She began to blush, while i was stuttering negations.  Thruth is, we didn't know.    
  His hat and beard gave him an avuncular, even professorial, look. His alcoholic breath could have sterilized surgical instruments. Four blocks later, the passengers pointed out that he might want to start the meter. Which he did. Chatty the way drunks are, he hypnotized himself listening to the various spins he could put on the same thought. Did I mention he repeated himself?  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  lookup Avialesookhrana  (don't trust promotional pictures)  these guys are whoa damn hardcore  "No seat belts in Russia!" "Filtered cigarettes, because I care about my health." "Police are garbage." "Vodka is gasoline."  no fire retardant gear, no goretex, no support  and the largest coniferous forest on earth.  I wonder if they will let me join for a while. There is too much soft surrounding and suffocating me.  
  In a video a friend and I saw a man who had no legs, yet could skateboard better than the both of us.  All my friend had to say was  "what a lazy bastard, he skates sitting down!"  2 weeks later my friend broke his nose trying to skate on all fours.....  lifes funny like that  
   My First Halloween  We throw a party at our isolated little cottage, deep in the Scottish countryside. Lots of fun, dooking for apples, hunting the treacly scone* etc. Suddenly, a horrific-looking witch appears at the window. Green face, pointy hat, broomstick et al. The kids shriek. I muster my courage and just stand there, laughing. Me: "That's just Bobby Hetherington's mom, from up the way!" Somebody behind me says: "Yer mighty smart for a wee laddie." I turn around. Bobby Hetherington's mom. I shriek...  -------------- *Messy game where a scone, covered in molasses, is hung on a string in the center of the room. Each player has his hands tied behind his back and is blindfolded, spun around a few times, and then has to find and eat the scone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         kind of fucked up how the guy in college that you thought would be the single, lonely, bald alcoholic turns out to be the first one engaged to a great girl.    but he's still going bald.  
  When I was 17 I got busted for smoking pot at school.  My parents tricked me into going to a rehab.  After 2 and a half months of that shit, I decided I wanted out...NOW!  So I shit in this guys pillow.  I was out the next day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, my mother and I are out to dinner, sharing idle conversations. The conversation drifts towars the problem I've been having with my jaw lately. I think I have TMJ, and it tends to lock and pop every now and then.  My mother gets this weird look on her face, then covers her mouth as she tries not to laugh.  I just smirk, and say "Yeah, it's a great excuse to use from time to time."  Now -that's- a lowbrow moment. Sex talk with your mom while eating chicken at Outback.  
  So I'm down visiting my girl this weekend and she has to work an afternoon shift at the grocery store up the road.  She leaves with instructions to bring two bags of recyclables she's been saving, as well as her bag because we plan to head uptown right after she gets off her shift.  This leaves me with about five or six hours to bum around the apartment and do nothing.   After studying for my history class for a few hours, I end up falling asleep on the bed and waking up a good 20 minutes I have to be there.  Being a man of fashion, I jump and take a shower before digging out the recyclables and slinging the bag over my shoulder before heading out the back door.  Enter moment number one.  In my rush, it took me ten minutes to figure out how to lock the back door.  In addition, with all the stuff I was carrying, to the guy in his garage across the street it must have looked like a local burglar trying to make his getaway look unnoticeable, given that I kept opening the door and slamming it to see if I had locked it correctly.    That done, I descended into the Saturday night city streets.  My girlfriend lives in an area predominantly inhabited by college kids, so they are all walking by on their way to the bars, dressed in their American Eagle and Armani fashions.  Here I am, lugging two wet trash bags of cans and plastic with a distinctly feminine carry bag slung over my shoulder on my way to the train, while maintaining a cool pose and nodding to guys carrying 30 racks of beer to wherever.  I should have asked for their empties.    The looks I got walking too and ON the train are lowbrow enough.  I definitely looked like a washed out boy george can hopping along the subway en route to the grocery store.    When I get there, my girl is waiting for me outside the store.  I am relieved to be in an environment where lugging two bags of returnables is not looked upon as weird.  Those gay machines accept about a quarter of the total bottles, giving us a grand whooping total of a $1.35  On the way out, she decides she needs a pack of gum, and, after going back a second time to get the correct kind, we cash the return receipts, taking out the cost of the gum.   46 cents.    Public humiliation, risk of arrest because of criminal imposing, and more humiliation on the train, where people get a long good stare at your situation.    All of this was worth 46 cents and a pack of gum....  
  in a fit of springtime-inspired shopping, my sister and i decided to head to the trendy girl store of long island, a place called bonnie's jeans, where sanrio wallets on chains sit side by side with those hair thingys that look like slinkys until they're uncoiled. at this store, i saw a shirt -- dark blue, short sleeve, greeen flowers, polyester -- that fit my cute-but-not-too-cute assessment. it was $20. but not available in my size. on the way back home we stopped at target to revel in the 89 cent snapples, and as we were walking by the womens' clothing section i noticed a shirt out of the corner of my eye -- it was that very shirt that i had not purchased in the trendy-girl store, on the same type of hanger, with the same tag dangling from the sleeve. except this tag said $12. and the shirt was available in my size. so i bought it.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I dry-hump my matress a lot.  I use up about two boxes of Kleenex a week doing this.  I like to think that somewhere the good people at Kleenex say little thank yous for losers like me.    
  I masturbate.  A lot.  To crappy foreign films.   
  My parents took pictures of my heart-surgery scar.  I was about 4 years old and sprawled out on the couch naked above the waist.  The pictures look like child porn.  
  > Dogs get offended when you watch 'em shit right?    This makes me laugh. I remember the proving case of this.   Who?  Me, my cousin, and his dog. Walking it at the demand of my aunt.  What?  It wanted to shit. I didn't think so.  Where?  Upstate NY, in a cool fall day. Suburbia.  When?  1999  Why?  Because I was bored, it pissed off my cousin, and, best of all, it was funny as hell.  ---------  The dog was trying to take a crap in a person's lawn. I began to stare at it, while the crap was still inside. It got up, and waddle over to a new spot. Score! I'd got it stuck! It squatted down, I stared. My cousin looked at me, and asked what I was doing. I calmly explained that I was waiting for the dog.  Silence. The dog gets up, and waddles about 10 feet down the street. I stare as it squats down once more. Burn me, it stopped again, but now my cousin was getting annoyed. He wanted to get back on his computer.  "Seth, stop staring at the fucking dog."  I stared at it anyway. It ran away under a bush - I prostrated myself on the ground so it could see me staring at it. It got up and came back out. It had been several minutes now.  "Seth, fucking stop it."  "Yeah, okay Brian. I'm just trying to keep you out of trouble." Ping! I'd gotten an excuse, and it was going to take a while before he could drive me out of it.  "What the hell are you talking about?"  "Well..." Squat. Stare. "...you know. The police. And neighbors and stuff. Do you have a plastic bag?" He was confused. Better than ever.  "What are you  talking  about, fucker?" Squat. Stare.  "It's illegal for dogs to crap on peoples' lawns, unless you clean up after the dog."  He kicked me, and held me down while the dog crapped behind me.  That bastard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met Tony Danza at the airport in Houston, Texas. He had the whole airport running after him, because he had taken a one of their carts full of people.  He asked me if I wanted to join in.  At the time I had no idea who this nut was.  He said, it's me Tony Danza.  I still didn't know who he was until my girlfriend who worked there got off and told me about the movie star who had the place all upset.  Tony Danza, I asked. Then it hit me who he was.  I must of really upset him since we are both Italian and he's a star. J.A.C.      
  so I'm leaving the bar where six lesbians were fistfighting over this two-hundred pound keg and nearly trip over this little short-haired wiry sixteen year old and her worshiper. Taking a large puff off of her fag, she spits out through her gum the immortal words "I speak sign language."  Now that's something I'd like to hear!  
   It's just so nice, sitting here, had a couple beers, smoked a little weed ...   ... hanging out with you guys.   
    I used to be a pimp, now I'm just some average guy on the street.      
  I was younger and me and some friends were at the park. They spun me on the roundabout too fast and I shit myself. As I waddled home to clean myself they all started laughing and said that I'd shit myself.  When I got back I told them that I hadn't shit myself, I'd pissed myself.  As if the evacuation of the bowels is in some way an inferior act to the evacuation of the bladder.  
  A few nights ago I ran into a guy who used to play softball with us. He was our fill in guy (a friend of a friend).  Him: My softball days are over Me: Why? Him: (lifts sleeve to show mangled mess of an arm) Caught my wife cheating on me with my best friend. When I saw him I ran after him and he shot me with a twelve gauge. Me: ??? Ugh!! Put it away... no no, let me see it again Him: (Points to what was his wrist) This is part of my hip. Me: Next time run away  Note... it was especially peculiar that this guy lost a wife, hip, arm, best friend... and he seemed most upset that he would never play softball again.   
  I just got done getting a cup of coffee. My mom doesnt really have any knowledge of coffee, so she figures coffee is coffee and buys whatever is cheapest.  I was looking at the label and noticed it said, in large bold letter's "100% coffee".  Im wondering if this company used to make coffee that wasnt 100% coffee. Maybe lots of people knew it wasnt all coffee, so now they are advertising it likes its new and improved or something. Man, the things that go through your head when you diddnt sleep the previous night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A college professor once once asked the class to prove the existence of a chair in a classroom as part of the final...   a student simply wrote:   what chair?   
        They told me I had a little piece of my dinner stuck on the corner of my mouth. I was so embassased that I nearly dropped my entire handful of mashed potatoes.  
  Thing was, the first time she actually looked into my eyes was in the car outside the club. I was proud I could pack 11 into that station wagon, but it took precise delegation of body sizes and utmost cooperation by everyone involved. But she insisted sitting between the front seats, and staring into my eyes and foiling my plans to squeeze the last two bodies in that damn passenger bucket seat.  Should've known though. I mean, she had an ex-boyfriend twice her age, in jail on abuse charges, that she wrote to weekly.  But those eyes.  ...  Months later, I left her crying on the edge of a soccer field, while trying to pretending I wasn't affected.  Thing is: I've never had more than 5 people total in that car since.  
  The Marketing Director was late to a meeting and being gently reprimanded by other members of the Executive Board, when the Technical Director says to her: "You're late!  We're gonna have to tear you a new a**hole!" "Thank you," she replies, "but that won't be necessary.  the one I have works just fine.  I've been talking through it all day."  
        Tonight, my friends and I were drinking on an old bridge out in the country.  I walked down to one end to use the bathroom and as I was peeing, the wind was blowing really hard.  It blew so hard, my piss went all over my feet.  I was wearing flip-flops.  I did it again   
  The story goes like this: We're upstairs drinking in the barracks with I beleive were the greatest people I have ever met.  Everyone leaves to go downstairs.  There is a bottle of Goldschlager on the table.  I turn it upside down on my tongue and wait for about five minutes claiming every piece of gold in it, then begin to shoot it.  One after the other.  There was only half a bottle.  Not enough. Bacardi 151.  The companion to my Goldie.  I start doing shooters.  Everyone comes back upstairs.  Andy, a friend of mine tells me that we're lighting them on fire now.  He's blowing them out right before he shoots them.  Give it a try I thought.  I switch from one hand to the other ya see.  They start getting hot.  When I drop it, the whole desk the bottles were sitting on erupt into flames.  I take off my shirt and begin to wipe it up.  I lost my memory right then.  I was told I destroyed a few rooms that night, including my own.  My roommate had reached for his baseball bat when he attempted to wake me from sleep screaming "Get the fuck off me", "Get the fuck away from me".  The kicker.....imagine my surprise when I wake up to a half-digested meatball sandwich from Subway.  I haven't touched liqour since.  
  At my old workplace, they had urinal cakes that broke apart easily under any coffee-charged urine stream.   I liked to try and carve out a good sized chunk every time I peed.  Once, I was urinating with vigor, and I looked down to see no urinal cake to obliterate.   A quick glance at the empty bathroom was my go ahead.  I proceeded to strafe, still venting, the slight distance to the next urinal.  I tried to slow down the flow between fixtures, to save pressure... but I only succeeded in peeing less on the wall, and more on the floor.  There wasn't a urinal cake in the next stall either.  Oh well.   
  "Don't use the second microwave oven while the first is running", I said to a co-worker.  "Why", he said.  "Because the circuit breaker will trip and we won't be able to use either."  He said, "You're kidding."  "Nope", I said.  He said, "But this is an engineering building". I smiled. He shook his head in wonderment.  
  I have this recurring lucid dream  where I'm checking my email and  I have all these message from my cat  analyzing my life  smug little fuck   
  My brother used to shit in the yard and watch, and laugh as the dog ate it.... sometimes not even waiting til he was done... like a water fountain.  
  Some of my most inspirational thoughts come from sitting on the toilet(mind you, I'm a girl - and a good looking one at that). So, here I was today taking a nice long shitter...and since you must know, we have three small halogen lights in our bathroom. Two of them are out. This allows me to make shadow puppets. Well, I was doing a rabbit...then it turned into a dog, which I must say had an abnormally long tongue. And then...when I looked at this dog from the right, tilted my head, squinted my eyes and moved my thumb half an inch down it became, yes, that's right...a talking llama! And I must say...what in the fuck is a talking llama doing in my bathroom? I already posted your eviction notice llama...a couple more days and I'll get your smelly camel-cousin ass out of there! Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME??? And the moral of the story is: I have way too much damn time and none of this strikes me as inspirational...but maybe it's because I haven't had my Jack Daniels yet or because I've changed to a different brand of toilet paper.  
   Me.  My high-pressure stove-top expresso-maker.  Coffee that is ground too fine for the machine.  So that it clogs the vessel.               And only fills half-way.               Hmmm. bastard-fuck machine!!!               Me pulls the handle, and opens it.....               While it is still pressurized.               Kerploooooof........splatttttttt..........               Yes....quite a stupid thing to do in hindsight.               Stunned, me surveys the situation.               Me looking like Wylie-coyote               Kitchen looking like Nagasaki               Except there was no coffee on the ceiling in Nagasaki.                 
  Wow. So this bunch of guys and girls are swinging flaming balls and batons around their heads and leaping and blowing fireballs and slapstick hamming it up in a near-perfect performance while behind on the makeshift stage there is a cool funk guitar riff on an offbeat jazz snare beat with a haunting horn echoing throughout. The Bud drinking rednecks are listening to NASCAR on the radio.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I, personally, am sick of people assuming, upon introduction, that i am heterosexual.. asking me about my boyfriend and how he's faring the second i mention that i'm not single.. So, from now on, until you tell me otherwize, i am assuming that you are a carpet licking dyke. Not a bad thing, it's just more fair that way        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yeah, I called the psychic hotline and I got the free power crystal and as a result I can now crush walnuts with my bare hands and I know obscure facts about myself that I already knew before I called.  
  I actually had a debate for a good hour with some guy who told me some woman actually paid his friend 100 bucks to suck his dick.  He said she was good looking and everything.  He swears it's true.  I still swear in reality that sort of shit doesn't happen.  Paying a dude to suck his dick?  I think someone watched one too many pornos.  
   There's only one thing I remember from my Introduction to Philosophy course in college in 1967.....the day my professor said to us, "There's nothing more overrated than a bad fuck and nothing more underrated than a good shit."       
   Heavy LowBrow Conversation   I think part of the fun of posting is contributing to the lowbrow machine.  It's kind of fun to be part of it.  I think the anonymous feedback is a bonus too, i've got to admit i love getting emails. As for why we post?  There's part of me that goes running off to tell all my friends when i do something stupid.  Just from a 'guess what *I* just did' angle.  Except a lot of what people post you probably shouldn't share with friends.  It's not sociably acceptable.  It's all well and good, and always seems to be completely in context, when someone posts about how they mangled their genitals in a mincer while wanking to midget transgender porn.  On lowbrow that's ok.  in reality you may get committed.  Dark sides that are best not shared, else you may be shunned.  Interesting analysis. The "Lowbrow Machine" sounds a little ominous, though, as if it's going to take off and create a life of its own. It could become a golem, a shunned repository for all things shameful about humans. Oops - I realize that's a fair description of the damn site.  
  age does not diminish the sheer disappointment of the ice cream scoop falling off the cone to the ground.  
  I had a dream the other night that I was an exchange student in Spain and woke up invigorated, sure that it meant good things to come...  Then the dream dictionary told me that dreaming of travel through unknown places portends dangerous enemies and perhaps sickness.  Oh, Christ, i'm probably due for a thrashing anyways.        
  my brothers car crashed today, and the worst part is that i am swedish, and i was in the car when it happend...                   
  "Hey is the place you work hiring?" --"Naw, I don't think so. We've got too many people probably." "Great, I'll be down in the morning to apply. Bitch at unemployment is getting on my case."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The first time I met this particular aunt-in-law, she called me a heathen mud race, and told me in no uncertain terms what would have happened had I tried to marry HER daughter. So when they moved her into a nursing home, I gleefully helped them clean out her house by claiming all of her prized camera equipment. I don't even know how to load the film.  
  When I first became a supermarket checkout person, the first person to come through my line bought a bottle of wine, 10 containers of honey, and a box of condoms, and the only thing I could think of to say to him was hope you have a good evening.  Man you should've seen his face.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          LowBrow War Medal  When my dad died, my mom gave me all his old WWII medals. None of them were very fancy - he never got above corporal, after all - but among them was the single medal my grandfather ever earned. From the Boer War. He never got above private, but he was certainly proud of his Temperance Medal. Gorgeous thing, solid silver, with the words: "Be Sober" on the back. My mom told me the story. Seems he was a bit of a drinker, my granddad, but one night in the pub he took an enormous bet that he could win the Temperance Medal. To qualify, he had to stay sober for a full year. Tough bet, but the stakes were  high . A year later, the medal was pinned on him, he collected his bet (about three month's wages), and went out and got pissed.  So  pissed that he got court-martialled. They couldn't strip him of his rank, so they threw him in the cooler for a month. Nice to know it runs in the family...  
  I think the nastiest commercial I've ever seen entails a goat vomitting into a young child's hand.  I think the director of that just combined his two fetishes into one commercial (beastiality and pedophilia).  That lucky son of a bitch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day I realised I had become what I hate. I was driving a mercedes (an old shitty one), listening to NPR (only station that damn car pulls in), and drinking bottled water (no A/C and my tap water sucks.) I can sort of justify all of this, but I still hate myself a fair amount.  
  The local loony-tune right wing religious-nut newspaper is called "The Liberty Banner."  It's always good for a few laughs, but I thought they'd gone too far when they started a "Dear Abby" style column with some guy named Dr. Dobson.   Question:  My 16 year-old daughter is driving me crazy. She is sassy, noisy and selfish. Her room looks like a pigpen ... Everything I taught her, from manners to faith, seems to have sailed through her ears. What in the world do my husband and I do now?   I expected advice like: "Keep her chained in her room until she learns respect," but...     Dr. Dobson:  Imagine your daughter riding in a small canoe called "Puberty" on the Adolescent River. She soon comes to a turbulent stretch of white water that rocks her little boat violently...   He went on at some length, stretching the metaphor until it screamed for mercy, but then ends up with:    ...Most adolescents will regain their equilibrium in a few years. In fact, the greatest danger of sinking their boat could come from ... parents!  Hey, Chicago Tribune -- when that stale old biddy you have dispensing stale advice finally snuffs it, give Dr. Dobson a call!  
  my friend and i were driving down a really busy street in los angeles(sunset)if anybody is familiar with the area, and i look next to me to see a guy that is in the passanger seat with his (im assuming) girlfriend driving. then he goes down, and it looks like he was in her lap. so i figure that he is either doing cocaine or going to eat his girlfriend out while she is driving. so i keep on looking...because it just kinda iteresting to watch. then she looks over and sees me staring, and nudges him and shows him. so, not wanting to be obvious i just smile to myself and look away.   it struck me as funny when the guy car came by again, and everyone in the car had both of their middle fingers pointed at me.   
  I go to answer the door and as I let him in I say "Just a sec, gotta log off the computer."  I sit down, go to log off and he spins my chair around, whips off the pants and undies and starts going to town right then and there.  So as his face was all up in it, I lean back...too far...and the entire huge leather office chair, with me, naked, spread eagle, falls over.  I don't move for a second, I just lay there.  He doesn't move to help.  The world seemed to have stopped for a mere second to bask in my humiliation.    Finally I get back up and the only thing I can muster up to say is "I hate it when that happens."  What?????   Why the fuck would I say that???  
  my mom, my dad, my brother, two of my cousins, all of my friends, three of my friends' parents, one of my uncles, many delivery guys, one homeless lady, two fugitives (real ones), one police officer (off duty), no teachers (yet)...  have all hit my bong. it's a great bong.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One year, I worked at a haunted house.  There was a mummy's tomb.  I sucked off the mummy.  Bandages and all.  
  My friend of mine told me he got his girl friend pregant.  "pregant?" I said, "holy shit."  "yea," he said, "never trust subway bags."  
  here is some invaluable advice passed on to me by my (formally enlisted in the army) roommate: if you ever get maced, pepper sprayed, etc... and you get in the shower to wash if off, make damn sure your face is pointed directly at the shower head, while your torso is turned at a ninety degree angle. if you do not heed this advice, the chemicals will run down to your genitals, and you will wish you were dead. roommate experienced the burn, and said it is worse than anyone could possibly comprehend.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a gas attendant at my work who is 100% pure redneck.  He's smelly as shit, wears the same clothes and has blackheads covering his whole face.  He asks me if my girl was knocked up (cuz she was on crutches...?)  I said no, he replied, "Well my girlfriend's ankles swollened up when she got pregnant.  And guess what, it ended up being twins!"  I smiled and replied, "Oh, that's great how old are they?"  He thought for a second and said, "Hmm they're 10 and 12 now."  *unsettling silence*.... "Oh...that's nice", I replied.    -All hope in humanity, ripped apart in a New York Minute-  
  "That shit was slicker than cum on a gold tooth" said she to me.  I didn't argue.  
  ~The Brow Spreads~  The other day i was reading the brow at work when i was called downstairs leaving the brow for all to see on my screen. On returning from despatch i found my account director reading the brow, i think it was about arse sex or something. So he looks up from the screen at me and says: "don't you think this is a bit unsuitable for work", so i apologise and promise not to go on Lowbrow anymore, (which is pure bullshit, but i just wont be stupid enough to leave it on screen next time). So anyway i walk into the office early this morning as i have some work to do and guess who i find reading the brow on his laptop - you guessed it, my boss. I looked at him, he looks at me and gives the knowing look. Since then i openly read lowbrow in front of him and so far he hasn't said a word to me about it.  Its like silent blackmail.  
  very late on a capn morgans binge frydaddy and fatboy are exchanging insults  its not a truck its a mini van its a truck van truck van its a fucking truck   it really is a mini van        
  I walked out to my car the other day and found a ribbon tied to the antenna. It read  "MADD." Boy, they got that right. Those people are nuts.   
  Vixen, this jumped that brown expressed in the writings of the dogs of a valve.  The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs, translated into each language availible and back to english, 2 times over. Hilarious.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day I was drivin through this small apartment complex on the way to get some food.  It was pretty dark, bout 8 oclock at night, with cloud cover and no streetlights, so all I could really see is what was right in front of me; some jerkoff going 15 under the limit.  As any sensible person would, I got as close to him as I could, if for nothing else than to really piss him off.  Well anyway, I think theres a pond or a river or something over there, but sometimes there are ducks around.  I was still behind this guy, and he starts making a left turn even slower than I thought possible, so as soon as there was enough room for me, I cut around his right side and stomped on the gas, only to see a full grown duck right in front of my bumper.  I hit the brakes, but I was going about 30 and had maybe a 3 foot length to stop, so I whacked that duck right in the head with the center of my bumper, then kept going so my car went over it without the tires hitting it.  I didn't really know what to do at this point, but after thinking for a second, I figured there's no point in stopping, it's not like I hit a person, it's a stupid ass duck that shouldn't be in the road anyway, so I kept going.  The best part was watching the two people behind me stop and get out of their cars just as I was making my turn.    Pussies.  
  When I was about 16 and still living with my parents, I was listening to some Zappa wearing headphones. You know laying on the bed all relaxed, eyes closed. Well my balls started itching so I stuck my hand in my pants and started scratching. After a minute or so I opened my eyes and whoa, there's my mom standing next to my bed. She didn't say anything, just sort of left....  I know she thought I was jerking off.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm chatting with a very pretty young woman and her fiance.  Turns out they're getting married in six months.  Me: "You'd better do it sooner than that -- someone (wink wink) might scoop her up."  He: "We're saving for a downpayment."  Me: "I'm not hurting for cash. Could you use $100,000?"  She: "You'd give us that much?"  Me: "Sure, in return for just one night..."  When she stops laughing, she comes back: "No way! You'd end up dead and we'd never get our hundred grand."  He, smiling wide: "She's something, ain't she?"  Must admit: that's one of the best comebacks I've ever heard.  
  Today, as I leant down to flush, my all-time favourite eyeglasses fell in the bowl. My reflexes weren't fast enough, so they swirled away. That's the bad news. The  good  news is that I was in my motorhome at the time, so they're not completely lost forever. I just have to find a quiet country lane where I can safely empty my holding tank on the ground, and sift through it. But my holding tank is only half-full, so it's not likely to be anytime soon...   
  It was the morning after her wedding day. Everything had gone off without a hitch.  Her upper-middle class family had spared no expense.  As the car pulled out of the parking lot after a large family breakfast, she leans over to the wedding dress hanging next to her.  She sniffs at the armpit, recoiling in disgust.  The smile on her lips betrayed a secret desire to sniff it again. Her protestant upbringing had worked.  She would never be the "dirty girl" she always wished she was.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i asked my bf for an explanation for the guy who asked how men could masturbate in cars w/o making a mess.  he said it takes 3 things:  1. kleenex 2. tinted windows 3. enough loose skin to 'dry pump.'   that sounds like too much work to me.  i say just stick to picking your nose.  
  The first girlfriend I had in university was this real trippy chick I met at "Welcome!" mixer.   She was ok looking and I wasn't thinking of asking her out but ended up seeing her at another party we both got drunk and fucked all night.  She came something like 9 times and I about 6. We ended up going at it again the next morning a few more times.   We broke up a week later - one of those "flash-in-the-pan" relationships. I was lucky she was on the pill because we didn't use condoms (boy was I stupid then).  I saw her a week ago with her little 4 year old daughter in Santa Monica. After talking a few minutes, we part and I overhear her daughter ask, "who was that Mommy?" She replied, "an old friend your Mommy thinks about sometimes".  Now I know what Squeeze was thinking about when they did "Tempted".  Damn.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What wouldn't Jesus do?  
  Stopped at Wendy's for dinner on the way back to school. Standing in line saw a brown rat crawl over some cute little girls white shoes.   Abruptly left without making a scene. None of my business to alert my fellow patrons to the unsanitary conditions of their local eatery.  Went across the street to Taco Bell. 2 chalupas and a Coke. Tasted yummy. Hour later i'm back at the dorm with the worst diarreah i've ever had in my life.   Beware the cosmic karma of the fast food industry.   
  It was a pit stop at 1in the morning before going home and I really had to go to the bathroom. I asked him where the bathroom was and he said down the hall. That was the womens. I didn't have enough fucking guts at the time to walk 60 feet down a dark coridoor of a place I've never been. So I went for second best. The mens. When I got in I stood there for 10 minuets. Just looking at it, and wonder what its like to pee standing up.  
  I was stuck in a shitty motel 6 in Walnut creek, and I couldn't sleep because of squeaking bed springs. It took me awhile to realize that the noise was coming from not only the room above me, but the room next to me. When the realization hit, it was a bit of a letdown. I'd thought, "DAMN! That guy can go like a jackhammer for an hour"   Then I was bitter because I wasn't getting any. Insult, and injury - game set and match.  
  i just realized i can hit f5 to reload this page. now i don't have to click with my left hand as i hold a bottle of wine/beer/liquor or a cigarette.   hooray.  
  So I got this friend, Tom.  And Tommy manages to get this hot high school girl into his house one day after school.  And they are going at it making out pretty good when she pops up with what every dumb high school tease pops up with - "I'm on my period."  Tommy, not missing a beat, replies "What does that have to do with your mouth?"  I thought it was a good arguement.  
  Tripping like mad at the local dive.  We all agreed we were in love with the beautiful, ethereal woman playing the flute.  And wanted to kill the bass playing hippie.  
  So, I'm sitting here reading all these great lowbrow moments, laughing my ass off.  And I think to myself, "Wow, I'm glad that I've made it this far through my life with out doing anything like this, what since I don't do drugs or anything."  And then I look down at what I'm doing while I'm reading.  I've got out my Leatherman and I'm cutting Percoset pills that were originally prescribed to my sister in half so they'll last me longer.  Then it hits me.  Not only do I do drugs, but I do such wussy drugs that the people on lowbrow will laugh at me.  That's pretty fucking pathetic.  
  The frat guy living across the hall from me cam home drunk again.  He rolled off of his loft while sleeping and hit his head on the ladder on the way down. No stitches. No blood. No bruising. His left eyebrow was missing though.  Knocked clean off.  Strangest thing I've ever seen.  
  We were on our way to a sold-out Aquabats show in downtown Detroit when a bum stopped us close to the show's venue.  He said "hey guys, it goes something like this..." and then began to sing about being down on his luck. After about a minute a college kid ran up beside him and started to ask us if we had any extra tickets.  He stopped himself when he noticed the bum beside him and said "oh..sorry..." and then began to sing, "do you have any tickets."  We all started laughing except the bum who looked around nervously until he realised we were all laughing at him. That's when he left.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I go over to my ex-wife's house and fuck her everyway I can; ass, mouth, etc. she would not go for this before we divorced.  
  Don't you just love when life works like a joke?  An example: So I get on an elevator, and there's this really attractive blonde there.  She looks at me and says "T-G-I-F!" with a really big smile on her face.  I look at her, smile, and say "S-H-I-T".  She looks confused for a minute, and still smiling, says again, "T-G-I-F".  I return her smile warmly (after all, she  is  fine!) and repeat "S-H-I-T".  She decided I don't get it, so she says, "No, no, no.  T-G-I-F.  Thank God It's Friday."  I give her my best grin and says, "S-H-I-T.  Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."  God, I wanted to slap her.   
  In the fourth grade our teacher was telling us that we had the chance to win prizes for getting A's on our spelling test. After seeing the delight in my classmates' faces I thought I would make them even happier with a smart-ass joke! So I raised my hand and said "Ms. Rohr, are the prizes going to be those cheap dollar-store toys that all the other teachers get us, or is it going to be something GOOD?" The entire class fell completely silent, not even the typical rising hum of an "ooooooh" was heard. If I do remember correctly, my ears caught wind of a timid voice saying "that was baaaad...". My teacher gave me a stare which caused my very soul to wither on the spot, and continued talking to the class. Man did I feel like an asshole.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Okay. The other day i was having a conversation with and old friend (realy crazy anti-government vegean who supprisingly dosen't soke pot)that i hadn't seen in a while. In the counslers office at my High School.  "So, i met someone who knew you a week or so ago,they were at the gas station buming change."  "That sounds alot like some of my friends, what was their name?"  "Corry."  (I don't remember having any friends named that)  "Are you shure that they knew ME?"  "well they knew your name, and well you, we had a conversation."  "um...ok, so where do i know them from?"  Then in one slick motion he reaches up and taked a hit from an air joint.  "..."  Its a sad day when you start forgeting the people you smoke with. And thoes you don't smoke with have to remind you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "coffee shouldn't be this way," I reasoned.  "It should be an experience: something you sit down to with a good book or a game of chess.  It shouldn't be a punishment for unatoned sins."  "You want cream with that, honey?" the red-headed girl behind the counter asked, gum popping and freckles freckling.  "No... thanks."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The other day my dog dragged the bong, pot, and papers out from their hiding spot and was proceeding to devour it all when my mom walked in.  I just like to imagine my mom's face when she sees my dog chewing on a bong with pot and shredded rolling papers thrown about.  Half a year and I'll be outta here.  Then she has to drive fifteen minutes to find my stash.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once, as a boy of 12, I had a masturbation experience I'll never forget.  I lubed up with some Dial liquid hand soap.  Mid-masturbation, the soap started to dry up.    I added more soap.  A few minutes later, I came with the great gusto of a 12 year old, shooting my load across the bed.    Everything was right with the world.  Until three days later when the skin on my dick scaled up and started to peel off.  I thought I was going to lose my dick that day.  I wanted to go see a doctor, but I was deathly afraid to tell my parents.    I decided to wait it out.  I stopped masturbating for at least a week after that.  
  There are certain stretches of divided highway where it is safe to masturbate.  Really spices up long drives alone (or with somebody else, your call) and you can smoke when you are done.        
  You know those "purity tests" online? well there was this one that had a question based on whether or not you had ever licked someone's eyeball, or had your own eyeball licked.  That was enough motivation to get my girlfriend and I to take turns licking each others' eyes. Then I think we had sex.  
  it's pretty lowbrow that when you are masturbating with a deluxe model vibrator that you are fantasizing about masturbating with one of those nicely formed cucumbers you saw at the grocery store...   - freshproduce@starmarket.com     You know they do make cucumber shaped vibrators.  The best of both worlds.  
  so there i am, drunk as can be  and finnaly i get up the guts to talk to "the girl with the brown hair"  needless top say, she is seeing someone  and the girl i tried for after that..  she hooked up with a guy who has a hairy back  man is that sad        
  You think you're lonely...  Even though I don't speak but a few words of Spanish, I watch the Spanish TV channels just for the cleavage.   "Caliente" is my favorite program.  
  even more tales of the video store clerk:  so this guys wants to a rent a movie.  ok.  but he isn't a member.  ok, here's an application, you just need a valid drivers' licence, and a credit card.  no, we just need it to verify identity, and a security measure.  no. we don't give it out, it's just standard procedure.  no, we don't sell it.  no, i won't steel it.  every other kind of video store will ask you for your credit card too. really.  ok, well, we have a copy of that video for sale actually, for only ten bucks.  he pays with a credit card.  
  My boyfriend and I don't shower much, and I would say he wears the same underwear for days in a row. But he has a lot of the same black underwear, so I'm not sure about that either.   Right after a particularly fun romp, he slides his dirty underwear back on, and peels out of the bed.  in the proccess of this he manages to transfer a hidden shit stain from the back of his underwear, through the underwear, onto the sheets.   I quickly cover this up with the top sheet before he notices, and he leaves the scene  so what do I do as soon as he's gone?   get a good rub on the stain, and smell it...  better than smelling the underwear themselves.    
  just read a lowbrow about this guy that invented masturbation, or discovered it completely on his own. well, i'm not THAT cool, but i discovered the art of the enema when i was about 7. i was playing in my friend's pool, which had a garden hose running into it, slowly filling it up.  it was pretty full already, and i was kind of bored, so i started squirting the hose on myself underwater.  i felt the pressure of the water on my butt hole, and relaxed into it.  it was pretty pleasant, other than the water being cold. about 10 minutes later, my bowels erupted in their bathroom.  i barely made it to the bathroom in time, and as i was bending over pulling my pants down, the ol' ring just let go. it took an entire roll of toilet paper to clean that shit off the wall. i didn't mention it to them, of course.  
  "Amadeus" high school theater production, senior year.   My role: Major Domo - basically means I wear a frilly shirt, jacket, knickers, wig, makeup and tights, get called "Major Homo" a lot backstage (funny *and* original) and choreograph set changes in the dark while action is taking place on other parts of the stage.   I have one line.  I walk in on Mozart and his chickadee in the parlor room of a manor where he's giving a show, and say "Her ladyship is ready to commence."  This line is the only thing separating my AP Drama ass from the nameless, talentless hacks in the "chorus."   It gets worse.  Final dress rehearsal.  I walk in, interrupt the frilly horseplay and proclaim:  "..."  "..."     "Line?"  Shoot me.  
  After playfully flirting with my favourite brewpub barmaid for a year (Hi, Janine!), I finally discover a way to actually get through to her.  I walk into the brewpub, and Janine says: "What brings you in?"  Me: "I was worried that nobody was ogling you."  She laughs, pleased but dismissive.  Then, I meet a guy at the bar, and he and I hit it off.  Turns out he's sitting an enormous house, and I need a temporary place to stay, so he invites me to see the place.  Janine: "Will you be back?"  Me: "Depends how I make out with my new friend."  Janine, concerned: "Eh, I really should tell you -- he's gay."  Me: "Janine, that's the first thing he told me."  Suddenly, and for the first time, she looks  seriously  intrigued.  What goes on in the heads of women? I  still  have no idea.  
  A couple of friends and myself were on our way to some destination. It being a warm summer day, all of the windows were down. We were winding down some back road when I cat barely got out of the way of the car. Thusly, I yelled, "Hey! Fuck you kitty!" to lift our spirits. My friend in the back seat then says, "Why the hell did you just yell that at that old lady?" Hm. Next time I'll look both ways.   
  My girlfriend and I are back at my mothers house for a long weekend. Monday morning and my mom's at work, we start getting down on the couch in the living room. I go down on her for awhile, then we start fucking. The doorbell rings. I ignore. It rings again. I try to ignore but start getting paranoid that whoever this persistant asshole is might walk around back to the porch, look in through the sliding glass door and see my bony ass humping my girl. So I get up, put on my robe and go to the front door. I'm dishevled to say the least, my face glistening from my girl's juice. It's a friend of my mother. She apologizes for "waking" me and gives me a brief message to relay to my mother. I tell her no problem, and without thinking, lean out of the door to give her a hug and she kisses me on my moist face. Awesome.  
  Working up quite a sweat on the Elliptical trainer at the gym. Humming along to bad 80s metal. -sniff- Hmm, what's that smell? -sniff-sniff-sniff- Yep, that's me alright. I'm sweating garlic. Damn that Carmelized Garlic Chicken from last night.  
  When I was a scout (pathetic, I know) my good friend jeff locked me in a porta-potty for like an hour. I managed to get out by unscrewing one of the hinges and crawling through the crack in the door.  Later, jeff returns, and opens the door to let me out. I'm not in there, so he decides to leave off finding me and solving the mystery of how I excaped a locked porta-potty and takes a dump. I stealthily climp atop the outhouse, using ninjitsu climbing skills, and wait in ambush.  As jeff leaves the toilet, I jump down, batlike, and as I'm just about to land on him, WHAM, jeff throws the door shut and it springs back, catching me in midflight in between my legs and cruelly crushing my balls, before depositing me on my back in a breathless heap.  That wasn't one of my better days.  
  Having developed allergies to beer and wine (Oh sorrow - I luv beer), I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels at the local cut rate store.  The clerk said, "You'd better watch out for Jack. He'll sneak up on 'ya."  Whew! She was SO RIGHT!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         every morning when i drive to work, i see the street blocked off.  large, double-length dump trucks are backed up to an old building with a huge hole in the wall.  the trucks are dumping something into the basement.  there is no writing on any of the trucks.  no signs.  no names, no "Big Dave" or "Rusty".  Only dusty, dark colors.  men in plain hardhats and generic coveralls eye me as i make the turn in front of the orange cones. they all have the same eyes.  one day some of them were wearing rubber suits with masks.  nobody gets within 50 feet of the trucks...the backs of the trucks are covered with heavy tarps.  nobody seems to know what they're dumping, and even fewer seem to care   &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  When I'd first moved out of my parents' place into some other family's basement for the purpose of school; I'd had the always interesting interest in trying to make interesting meals for myself.  One of the surefire ways to ensure something tastes alright is to drown any possible flavour with spice.   So I'm cooking some fried rice and chopping up some jalepenos to put into it. It's all cooking nicely when I feel nature beckoning me to the restroom.  I had a nice lovely piss, as lovely as they go anyhow and resumed my cooking.  Then suddenly everything went wrong as it seemed the heat element was somehow cooking my groin and not just the pan.  My naivite in the realm of cooking with jalepenos had failed to realize until that definitive moment that the oils had gone from the peppers... to my hands and then all around my wang. I turned off the stove and ran to the washroom as quickly as possible.  I then spent the next half hour in the shower with a cold stream of water shooting at my genetalia. Cock and balls covered in any sort of hand lotion I could find. I quietly cursed myself as tears of pain stung my eyes.  It continued to ache for about a day after that.  
  When I was 13, I used to masturbate so much, the skin on my penis would become dry and cracked, and bleed. (Ironically, this was caused by shampoo designed to combat oily hair)  The true agony was choosing the worse fate: constant, throbbing arousal, or ripping the scabs off, causing more bleeding.   WWJD?  
  If you cycle through moments fast enough, they make likes slides of animation and the picture looks like this:  ;oidufdoiahkjasnbfkjyponadlkfjhglifjtlkjwhhgporwtiqjbrpoifgojaenroijhroinerpoghwoerntopiwdhgkjwdfbt;oidfuylkeqrngfoiefjh;lkjqernf;oehjg;oent;orhijerbtliquoodfoiwoiwoiuweoiruaslkdfuck       
  When i was younger i used to sit and watch my food cook in the microwave. i used to sit there with my forehead pressed up against the window and watch it cook...  im thinkin ill die of brain tumors before im 30  
  You know the feeling you get when you're on the bog and you're doing a big one and it sort of plops out and makes a huge splash in the bowl, which goes just high enough to let a nice large cold drop of toilet water splash you back up the arsehole whence the floater came?   Sometimes, that's the highlight of my day.  
  After moving out of the dorms I roomed with 3 other girls in a 2 bedroom apt. The girl that I shared a room with left in the middle of the year so my other roommate brought in her friend from her sorority (the one known as the "loser sorority" at by all other greek houses) to take her place.   Anyways, this new girl was a cheap, snooty, ugly bitch who (for some unknown reason) thought she was hot shit. She never bought anything of her own and would always help herself to my personal things without asking. Makeup, school supplies, clothes, toiletries (all high end stuff)- the girl was SO cheap. She even broke a few thing snad never told me!! I told her to stop, but would catch her all the time. I would bitch to my BF and he would get pissed too.   While visiting me one morning, he comes out of the shower morning with this BIG smile on his face. He practically giggles with an evil smirk on his face and asks me "guess what I did?!?!"   Me: "What did you DO...?"   Him: "I peed in all of her shower stuff! Her body wash, her shampoo, and her conditioner!!"   Me: "No!!! you did not!!! I love you!!"  I would always feel better about everything every time I saw her come out of the shower.   Every other week I would open up all her shower stuff and pee in them myself!!  There were a couple of times where I thought that maybe I peed too much in there and that the smell was obvious, but she kept using her stuff till the very last drop!   Ahhh..such sweet revenge.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         once while visiting a college and staying at a frat with my best friend something horrible happened. i was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and woke up in the middle of the night right after dreaming about a REALLY warm river. I soon realized i had pissed myself in my sleep. WHAT THE FUCK! I've never been a bed wetter or pissed my pants! why does it have to happen now, in a frat of all places! luckily i was the only person awake so i changed my pants and dried the sleeping bag a little by rubbing it on the carpet(clever i know). the next morning i woke up early and rolled up the sleeping bag. Did i mention it was my best friends sleeping bag? i never told him. That thing has been in his dad's garage for about 2 years. i wonder what it smells like. i wonder if anything is growing in it. i wonder if someone has used it...  
  There's this not-exactly-bright guy I know who can't hold his liquor.  A few months ago, he was at a party where Golden Grain was being served. Someone there set a shot of it on fire to show him just how serious this stuff was, and he proceeded to take the flaming shot and attempt to drink it -- without blowing it out. A friend had to take the shot from him and put it out, getting first degree burns in the process.  So the lightweight, over time, got more and more drunk, and it got so bad that they all stuck him out on the porch and they rotated the job of watching over him. Somehow, though, he managed to get away, and they had to send a search party out after him.  He wasn't seen uuntil two hours later. He had fallen asleep behind a dumpster.  They proceeded to chain him to the porch and he fell asleep. When he got up, though, he unchained himself and snuck away again. He was gone for another hour and a half.  He is the only person I know who has been banned from parties for being a lightweight.  
   Male Cheerleaders  Male cheerleaders take a lot of crap, sissy this, sissy that. You know that move where he hoists a girl up in the air and then holds her above his head while she sits on his hand? Did you know that there is only one possible place for his hand to be so that she can balance on it? Check it out, next time you see a mixed cheerleader squad working. Rethink your prejudices, and then think of this: He gets to do it with the entire squad.   
  My father used to come and pick me up from my job during the summer. Whenever we passed by some cute looking underage girl, my father would elbow me and go, "Hey, wanna go to jail?"  
  Whenever my hippie 6th-grade teacher would lean with her arm across the overhead projector to make a point, her armpit hair would be projected in silhouette onto the screen above.  Scarring.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I get a lot of porn junkmails in my hotmail account. What's a lot? Well, let's just say more than 2.  So anyway, the point is that one of the subject lines read "NAKED SLUTS OF INDIA!!!"   Now is it just me or does that sound like one of those colorful substitutes for swearing.  Like "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST!!!" or "HOLY JUMPING CATFISH!!!"   But just try working it into conversation.  Not good.   E.G.   Jane: Wow! look at the size of that dog over there!.  John: Yeah! Wow! NAKED SLUTS OF INDIA, that's one big pooch!!  ..... see.  Just doesn't work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a power differential is when someone automatically assumes you are inferior and actively and or subconsciously decreases the amount of options and choices you access based upon that assumption most often displayed by arrogant assholes who believe they own your ass and are most frequently erased by a well placed fuck you dance         
  One of my subjects at varsity next year is "Epistemology".  It's a branch of philosophy.  My mother keeps saying I'm doing "Epesiotomy".  Shit, I sure hope not.  
  Four little words to ruin your day: "May cause anal leakage." Goddammit...  
  One of my many jobs while in college was as a "maintenance-man/houskeeper" person at large Atlantic City Casino. One night they were short-staffed and I was asked to fill-in as the "men's room attendant". To hand towels to the patrons. It was stinky. It was quite humiliating. So I dropped a hit of acid. Blue windowpane. It doesn't get much weirder than looking at infinity in the mirrors reflecting upon themselves, through the bright neon-haze and all the shiny glitz of the golden-plated faucets.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I spent most of the day plotting the downfall and eventual demise of everyone I hated, then realized if I really had that kind of power, it would be much more interesting to just make them shit themselves at random moments. It's good to have goals.  
  so one of the alumni to our fraternity is yelling at me about how uncool the house is now.  fewer bros. fewer chicks. and less alcohol then there was back in the 80s when he was in the house.  I went to college at a pretigious university in Los Angeles and suddenly I remember a story about him that one of his old friends told me a month before.  "Some things are actually better," I says.  -like what, jerkoff?  "Well," I says.  "When we buy coke now we just snort it.  We don't turn it into crack so we can give it to the homeless chick for a blow-job."   That shut fat-ass up.  shut him up real nice.  
  My first wife Annie had ONE habit I loved.  She invited her girlfriends to sleep with us, and I always got to sleep in the middle.  No body fluid stuff -- just snuggling.  I always awoke feeling wonderful, with two women pressed against me.  One time, Annie got up early to shower.  Her gorgeous friend Elizabeth whispered: "How long does Annie shower for?"  Quick, frantic calculation, then the bleak realization: "Not long enough!"  DAMN!   
  I actually slept with a man nicknamed "Moose."  Imagine yelling that in the throes...        
  So I'm at my friend's place and have to use the bathroom...should I tell her that I accidently knocked her toothbrush in the toilet?        
  Bathroom Diary # 26  So I m sitting in stall #2 (handicapped oasis) when suddenly I realize to my dismay, no more paper, damn, I hate it when that happens  Then POP! The lights go out, damned energy timer.   Sitting in the men s  room in the dark with no T.P. pondering a way out.  Then It comes to me, the boxers she gave me for X-mas the year we broke up. I always wonder just how it is you loose underwear   
  Year: 1995 Me: 19, just dumped my psycho girlfriend and lost at what I was going to do for the rest of my life.  I worked at a KFC all through highschool.  I made a lot of friends there, learnt about myself and at 19 all I was thinking about was how happy I was in this place serving chicken to the ingrates in this bumfuck town in the middle of nowhere.  We got a new manager and she was pretty hot but she started pulling favorites.  All of us that had been there for YEARS longer than her didn't like the way she was treating us so we went to the owner of the store and complained.  Well, when 6 of your staff come to you and say that something is wrong, don't you listen? Noooo, not the owner.  None the less, he listened to the manager and 2 of us got fired.  Serveral others quit right after wards.  Do I sound bitter?  Well, I'm not!  It was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.  I got the kick in the ass I needed to force me to do something with my life.  Now, when I go back to that KFC, I order my bucket of chicken with my head held high.  I've got an education, a career, make more money than her and I don't live in that crap-ass town.  The manager is still there, getting fat and divorced.  (I still love KFC chicken though)  
  Having your BMW towed  IS NOT A FUCKING LOWBROW MOMENT!  How very lowbrow of you. Shit, a vicious circle...  
  Like a retard shivering biting his own arm.. I listen to my favorite music.  Rape Grunge Metal Rock.. when I realize I'm not mimmicking a retard.. I am one.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So at work the other day... my one co-worker doesn't get along with this druggie chick that works with us now. They got in an agrument and he yelled "Why don't you just go home and do some crack!?!" And then she yelled "I don't do crack! I snort coke, there's a difference!"  She's a good girl.   
  ya know how real sex on hbo has some 'hot' segments, but some that aren't really arousing at all unless 'you're into that sorta thing'? well i was jerking off to one of the 'hot' segments, but it ended. the next segment was on fat strippers. so instead of stopping, i just continued my masturbation without really paying attention to the tv, fueled by the fresh mental images of the previous segment. about that time, my mom walked in and caught me jerking off with a 300+ pound black woman shaking her naked fat on the tv screen.  
  "you know your a rock star when your having beer for breakfast. especially when the beer is mgd, and breakfast is at 2 o clock in the afternoon"  
  The first time I saw a penis I was 5 years old. A little red-haired boy was changing into his bathing suit for swim time. My first reaction was that I thought it would make good fish bait.    
  "How do you explain your success?" she said, smiling. He replied, "I read every chance I get and I  was born with a grown man's penis."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Never, ever get Absorbine Junior anywhere near your balls.  Just like LaDee, you'll be on fire.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am driving solo from Nice to Genoa on the Motorway. I have a medium-sized ziplock filled  with some extremely kind buds in my pocket. I arrive at the French-Italian Border and, oh fuck there are Carabinieri with guns and sniffer dogs on leashes. They are asking the people in the buses and cars in front me to get out while the dogs go to work. Thoughts of "Midnight Express" race through my head, and I panic. I don't wanna do time in an Italian jail? What the fuck do I do? I improvise. I decide to swallow it - thick fucking ziplock and all! I just about manage to get it down, with great difficulty. The guy with the sub-machine gun waves me forward. I take out my American Passport. He sees it and waves me right through.  Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How stupid. I try to regurgitate it. No luck! The weirdest thing of it all was that I never saw it come out. You would have thought you would feel a big fucking ziplock coming out of your ass, would you?!?! I still wonder if its inside me somewhere.  
  He looked at me as I walked down the street to meet him in the plaza.  "Lookin' a little groggy this mornin' arent'cha?" he said.  "Fukkin industry parties...." was all I could really muster up.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  As I walked home from her house with a bad case of blue balls I checked the car doors I passed to see if they're locked.  It's 4am and I find one that's open. There's a purse with seventy quid inside. It's in my pocket and I'm back out on the footpath again before I even think about what I've done.  The Kenny G cassette gets thrown into the river as I pass.  
  So it was 4am, I had to work in a few hours, and we're walking around the apartment complex (absolute cheapest rent around!)....quite drunk. He gets onto the topic of laying carpet, and decides to loudly explain the whole process to me. So we're walking and talking and meanwhile, people are shouting at him from their windows to shut the hell up. We get back to my apartment (where he's been sleeping on the floor for the month) and he starts to demonstrate carpet kicking. He's crouched in the corner, pretending to pound a carpet kicker with his knee, and he hurls all over before passing out in said pool of vomit.  I went to bed.  
  smoking shitty mexican shake weed out of a coke can, that's really damned lowbrow...  
  at a wierd townie bar in downtown saratoga (LaLa's), and the Jerry Springer vibe is strong. the mullet-to-nonmullet ratio is about 4:1 and a small group of friends and i are thoroughly enjoying ourselves just observing the freak show taking place around us. we come here every week now, as out of place as we are and we're all embarrassed to admit that LaLa's is growing on us. well the other night was a typical one, and we all smiled as we walked in on a drunken woman dancing tipsily on a tabletop. the night ended when some short, overweight redhead townie chick bent down behind Rachael and stuck her face underneath her short, pleated wool skirt. i could do nothing but stare in shock as the woman looked up with this guilty look on her face, and Rachael danced on, oblivious to the crotch sniffing going on between her own legs.   
  This summer my girlfriend and my friend and his girfriend went camping.  We had a great time that weekend, until she checked her voicemail and found that her grandmother had passed away.  I drove the four hours back home thatnight so she could get her car and go to be with her family.    I went to work (barnes and noble), cashed my check for gas money, and drove the four hours back to the campground, gettting there at 1230.   It was dark, but they were still up by the fire.  I drank a quarter bottle of the captain, then dumped a can of coke in and drank the rest of it like that.    My only memories of that night were chopping live trees down for firewood and spending an hour telling my friend's friend about how the captain image on the bottle looked like my roommate.   I don't remember walking 500 feet to a tent and passing out on the air mattress with the door open  and still fully clothed.   
  I was walking home the morning after a night of heavy drinking.  While walking up my street I stopped to allow one of my neigbours to pull into his driveway, I smiled and waved at him, he smiled and waved back.  Just then my stomache started to churn and i puked my guts up 3 times on his front lawn as he watched before continuing towards my house. He probubly didn't find it as funny as I did.   
   i worked at a pizza inn for a while in high school.  i applied for cook, but the manager tells me he needs a driver.  he doesn't give a shit that i'm not old enough.  rumor had it he pissed on a pizza and sent it out once.  if you were lucky, you only got jalepeno juice for being a dick on the phone.  we were not dissapointed if you never ordered again.  one night late, between deliveries, a dough fight breaks out in the kitchen and moves to the bathrooms.  someone with bad luck calls in a delivery order and all the kitchen/bathroom floor dough balls get called to duty.  this was late at night - those floors hadn't been cleaned in 24 hours or so, and the dough was riddled with black specks.  we rolled that shit out, cooked it up and sent it out.  i'm pretty sure i was the one who delivered it.  i bet equal foulness happens all the time, all over the place.    i order in a lot of pizzas at work, and pizza inn is one of my top dogs.  i just tip big in hopes of getting clean pizzas.  
  I walk in to Walmart.  Im 16 and looking for a job.  While standing in line to ask about an application I watch a woman yelling at the cashier.  Children are crying  Babies are screaming  Everything is cheap.  All I can think about is how after 2 hours of work here I would half to find the fastest way to kill myself.  I realize there are probably hundreds of ways in walmart  I quickly walk out and get in my car and drive away as fast as possible.  
  I know a guy who worked at Disney for a while. He was one of the guys who played Goofy.  He told me that he and the other Goofys used to smoke crack and have group sex with Snow White.       
  If water were beans, I'd be 70% beans.        
  for the longest time i've wanted to see that movie "midnight in the garden of good and evil", and today i finally had the balls to go and rent it, you know, i'm not really the type of person who watches those movie, but i'm a big spacey/cusack fan. so i watch it as soon as i get home, and then come here-lowbrow-as soon as it was over.   not five minutes later my sister comes in and tells me it's on t.v.  goddammit, i wasted three fucking bucks.  
  The soon-to-be-ex was obsessed with checking the mail, waiting for his letter from a company he'd interviewed with, yea or nay.  He'd check it two, three times a day. It was the best job he'd ever interviewed for and it went super good. Of course, to my delight, the day he got the letter was the day I checked the mail, and down the toilet it went. He went back east to live with his religiousnut mom, last I heard.   
  I need to find a girl with a shaved bush. I really, REALLY don't care for big, hairy bushes. They weird me out. I don't know why. It's probably something unhealthy or horrible from my childhood that I've blanked out somehow.  I suppose even a relatively tamed bush would be okay. Just no more of these monstrosities that threaten to break through their underwear and devour the crotch of their pants.  Topiary sculptures. Beards. Thickets. Brambles. Who needs it?  
  the old lady stopped by the tall glass doors adjusting the strap of her bag on her arm.  i was in a hurry and opened a door and walked through holding it open and looking back at the lady, who scowled at me and muttered under her breath.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Why the fuck is Comedy Central showing Very Bad Things every other day now?   
  so i was sitting doing homework one night with a friend of mine.  he put his pencil down. "wanna fuck?" he asked.  i wondered if he was kidding.  he wasn't.  i never did finish that damned homework.  
  it is 2.16 am i am sitting at the computer reading zbigniew herbert and eating nutella straight out of the jar i could use a little milk right about now  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's an old Russian proverb that goes "The church is near, but the roads are icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully."  Those Russians are smarter than they look, eh?  
  I love my old boss. I saw him today, and he'd already heard that I just put my two weeks in with his successor (for the record, my old boss got a promotion -- he's one of the smartest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing), and he said: "I was really disappointed to hear you didn't quit in a blaze of glory and completely fuck them over."  
   So I'm making out with my boyfriend one night. I had a bad cold and a runny nose. I was on top and I opened my eyes for a peek. I looked down and I realized that my nose was running. I had snotted all over his face.      
  When I was sixteen, my girlfriend invited me over during the summer.  We usually hung out at my place, so I wondered what was up.  I knock, ring the doorbell, and wait for over five minutes for someone to let me in. The door was unlocked, so I let myself in. I searched all through her three-story home in vain for a while until the phone rings twice and than stops.  I hear something from her parents' room. I investigate only to find a trail of bubbles from her parents' jacuzzi leading to the naked bubble-clad figure of my beloved on the phone. "Love you too, Grandma.  Bye-bye." It just doesn't get any sexier than that.  
  Scene:  9:30 p.m. Wal-mart hair dye aisle.  Enough said. My roomate and I are buying hair dye.  (obviously)  3 teenage Mexican boys come up and ask us where the hair bleaching kits are... (their hair is pitch black, it's not going to work anyway...) them:  Is there a difference between dye for girls and guys? us: no. Hair is hair. them:  my friend wants to know what highschool you girls go to. us:we're not in highcool. them: oh. how old are you? us: 20. them.  Oh, my cousin is 20.  Can we have your number? us: Well, we don't really like to give out our number in the hair dye aisle of walmart. them: can we go to another aisle?   it's true...  
  why are the victims of drunk drivers always good, upstanding fathers of 4 or promising, intelligent young high-schoolers?  why can't someone hit me, instead?  
  we thought the smell was from the piles of dog crap that lined the streets in southie the sea mammal then recalled the bacon in the bottom of the fugly fridge that had been defunct for a week ok you grab the fridge door and open the crisper i ll grab the bacon with these tongs and chuck the whole mess into toy hell launch the decaying plastic ruptured spraying a bileous green plasma all over the broken toys in the lot next door it was victory but victory has it odor         
  Under legal drinking age, at a party where the main activity is of course drinking.  Start the night with a Boone's ice cream float, move to beer, then tequila...lots of tequila, and finally vodka.  The night supposedly ended with me passing out mid movie, waking up, puking for an undetermined amount of time, ruining a game of jenga, trying to hit on a girl with her thankfully understanding boyfriend.  I get to my car (in the backseat), and puke a hot pink concoction all over myself.  My buddy drops me off, leaves my car at his house.  Next thing I hear is a phone and my manager on the line asking where I was.  This was the day our new Assistant Manager was starting.  Forgetting I have no car at this point, and with no time to shower, I hastily get my hair in line and get my ass to work.  The lowbrow part of this isn't going to work still drunk and smelling like vomit.  It was the fact that I needn't have been worried, as the new assistant manager ended up being fired for missing half his shifts due to rum and coke(aine) binges.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         OK Ok ok.  So it may very well be hip and trendy to make fun of people whose socieconomic class is lower than your own.  It may be all very fine, well, and good to label them redneck, and hick.  But the fact of the matter is, you probably smoke cigarettes too.  At least they know how to grow their own.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I left on a trip to tampa for a skateboarding contest, when i returned, I owed the hotel we stayed at $1000 for tearing down two palm trees and throwing them into a pool.  It was better than going to jail the night before my 21st birthday, then having courtdates all the way across the country.    The best part is, it's all on video.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.  
  I caught my brother masturbating last week.  To the introduction to Tomb Raider 2.   You'd think he could at least jizz over Angelina Jolie, the real life counterpart.  
  matt said "lets smoke a bongload, have a cigg, then we'll hit the hookah" greta looked at us in disgust. "you guys are so fucking healthy" matt replies "at least we arent smoking crack!"  
  tales from the banquet hall a very beautiful woman was standing at my bar looking straight into my eyes i smiled she:"don't you remember me"  me:"uuuhhhhhh" she:"i was the manager of the swim team" me:"oh,yea, sorry, i didn't recognize you with your clothes on"  
  getting my girlfriend drunk just so I can toss her salad probably signals that something is wrong with me.  
  One time I was sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of milk. When I finished, I threw it up, back into the glass. I then placed it on the coffee table for later disposal, and fell asleep on the couch. Awhile later, I woke up, said to myself 'I thought I'd finished this milk", and drank it. Then I realized that I'd drank milk puke. It looked like milk.  
  I was walking along enjoying the city sounds, smells, the sun.  Just in a plesant groove when a man with no legs notices my mohawk.  "Get a fuckin haircut!" he yells.  "Get some legs ya fuckin gimp!" I respond without stoping. A crowd of shocked looking tourists spreads in my wake. I smile.        
  He showed his mom some pictures of us up in Dallas for his sister's 23rd birthday.   "Eric!  We're you smoking crack in that picture?"  "No, Mom, it was just weed."  "ok then."    
  We were getting drunk in our hole in the wall bar, as usual on a Tuesday night.  That is when we noticed that there was an interesting trio sitting just down the bar.  There was a man, his wife, and his brother.  They were discussing the threesomes that they regularly had.  The brother of the husband had 3 thumbs.  I thought 3 might be a magic number for sexually deviant trash.   
  by the time i delete all the junk mail and read the 4 messages i got in the past 2 weeks...i had received 5 more pieces of junk mail  
  Thinking doing lines of No-Doz in a concert bathroom makes you sophisticated.  And maybe really wanting to do it anyway.  
  I discovered masturbation by accident at the tender age of 14. It was to the absract goodness of blurry cable porn. Thats not the lowbrow part. The lowbrow part was I couldn't wait to tell my parents.  
  last night, i drempt that the city of LA was being attacked by a gigancic nazi zepplen.  i ended up popping it with the end of an umbrella.  it deflated and spun out like a balloon that someone let go of.  nazi's were flying everywhere, and shouting things in german. one of them flew in though the window, and landed on the couch of our hotel room. i proceeded to give him therepy.  man, he had some fucked up problems...  
  My roomate in college grew dope in the closet.  The building was an old residence hotel, so the closet was HUGE.  He had hydroponics and a 350,000 lumen lighting system.  Needless to say, he was always high.  Once, during exams, he was abstaining.  He looked up from his econometrics handouts and said to me in a surprised and enthusiastic voice, "It's amazing how easy this stuff is when you're not stoned."    
  They can't here me says my kid after failing to get a response to brightly saying hello to like the thirtieth person that morning.  Pretty good reasoning powers. But what she doesn't know is that she is mentally disabled and they just want to pretend she isn't there.  Of course they don't know that I have no interest in their sympathy or any fucking thing else.  But they should know that if they try to make her life any worse than it has to be then I will be forced to skullfuck them, their kids, their grandma, and her fucking parakeet.  I would like to say that yeah you are doing just fine but tomorrow you'll be hitting on me for change to send your bald kid on chemo to Disneyworld, or maybe you'll  find a lump yourself and wonder how ya gonna break the news to little Jimmy.  Then I usually think of everyone breaking off from ignoring my little babe to suddenly look up and see a huge motherfucking comet about to smash the Earth to shit and how it will be when I'm laughing my ass off surrounded by 50,000 screaming people.  I smile to myself about then.  
  once, while working at a local pet store, i answered the phone and to my surprise a telemarketer was on the phone. he asked me if i was interested in learning about whatever it was he was selling and i promptly told him "no, this is petland" as snotty as i possibly could, and then hung up.  a few seconds later, after i'd just told my friend what had happened, the phone rang again and my friend picked up. the telemarketer asked my friend if this was petland, to which she replied "yeah" and with that, he totally slammed the phone down in her ear. huh. damn.  
  Life is like a box of hand grenades. You never know when everything you have is going to explode in your face and take out everyone that is close to you in the process.  light machine guns take out the rest.  
  a friend was telling me about the last wedding he had attended, and how the night ended with him in a bloody, torn tux and handcuffs, his wife-to-be taken away in an ambulance. (she passed out and fell over... he's not a wife-beater or anything) me: "but she's ok, right?" him: "yeah... just a couple staples in her scalp... i now call her swingline."  
  so i got the idea from a moment that was posted here. it seemed like an interesting idea. but trust me masturbating with an electic toothbrush isn't nearly as fun as it's made out to be.   
  there are quite a few sharp things in my apartment and my roomate and i are constantly cutting our selves on the hatchet, or throwing knives of saws, or knives, or the crow bar, or numerous other things.  my girlfriend and i are sitting in the living room eating sonic when we hear a loud noise and my roommate screaming goddamnit. I (in a joking manor) ask if he needs to go to the hospital. he comes out with a coy look on his face and his hand wrapped in a towel and says yes. there is blood all over the kitchen and i miss bonfire taking him to the hospital. the prognosis? a bandaid.  sad thing is the other day i cought travis throwing the hatchet in the air and catching it by the blade and he goes to the hospital because he cut his hand on a soup lid.  
  I think I'll be happy for the rest of my life if I just remember this sage advice a dear friend once gave me:  "Never make Jiffy-Pop when you're on LSD.  "it's fucking *scary*, man."        
  In 40 plus years of driving on all kinds of Texas roads; freeways, county roads, state highways, I've seen many shoes in the middle of the road. All sizes, all kinds; but never a pair. One flip flop, one athletic shoe, one penny loafer, one high heeled "fuck me" pump, one sandal, etc. And, I've wondered "How did that one shoe get there in the middle of the road? How did its owner lose that one shoe? Did the owner miss the one shoe? Did the man, woman, or child one morning ask him/herself, "Where is the mate to that shoe?"  
  Where I work I approve or disapprove the greetings and ads that go through the phone chatlines throughout most of North America with our head office being in Canada and 99% of our business being in the states. I've got a couple of main beefs with the people who call from the states. 1. 'complect-ed' and 'skind-ed' are NOT words! Same goes with 'conversate'! None of these words are in the dictionary. It's either 'complection,' 'skinned,' or 'converse'.  2. Do guys really think it's sexy and a turn on to listen to them whack off into the phone or blow into the phone? Maybe guys get off on hearing a woman cum into the phone or play her vibrator against the phone, but damn if it's a turn on when you hear that jerking off noise over the phone. It's gross! I know it turns ME and the majority of my friends off.  I wonder if I've become totally desensitized to sexy talk now. Yup, I think I have. I think I'll become a lesbian now.  It's nearly 5am, 3 more hours of work left. Thank god cuz I'm tired and all you people who call into chatlines are lame and BORING me to death! You sound all the same and you can't ALL be "good looking" or "attractive" for pete's sake! If you were babelicious or sexy you wouldn't need to hide behind your telephone to try and pick up the opposite sex! I'm sure there's more I can bitch about, but I'll spare you the rest.  Can I rant/vent on lowbrow?   
  I deliver sub sandwiches. Sometimes when I knock on a door the person will answer and say  "Hi delivery boy."  to which I reply  "Hi suburban middle class cacausian guy."  They usually don't find it as funny as I do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         he was a born again parenth what happened the first time that went so horribly wrong that you had to do it over endparenth and the sheer delusional arrogance of his self assuredness was well obscene so i told him that his greatest hero the big jc didnt even think he was worthy and they pinned his ass to a tree ouch the silence of suddnely realized hubris is a huge deafening tongue that languisly licks me all over        
  i had just put on my face cream, and went down stairs. i didnt notice, but i guess i got a little bit in my hair, and when i got to the kitchen, my dad made a coment about what i had in my hair. before i could explain, he said that i looked like the seen from "theres something about marry"(the one where she gets jizz in her hair) and proceeded to get his finger, put it in my hair, and right before he accually smelled it, made a funny face, and looked at me weird. then i explained to him that it was my facial cream. but for those 3.5 seconds, im sure he thought that i had cum in my hair.  
  Do you remember the commercial where they were selling answering machine greetings set to classical music? I do. And to this day every time I hear Beethoven's 5th all I can think of is no-bod-y's hooooome, no-bod-y's hooooome...  I fuckin' hate those bastards for brainwashing me.  
  I'm driving down this straight away for about 4 miles. 8 stopsigns, 35 MPH speedlimit. I was behind a 2003 Crown Vic. The old lady was driving 20 MPH and ran every stop sign. I can't wait to be elderly. You can't beat elderly humor with a stick :)  
  NEWS FLASH for everyone working in my office:  That can of air freshener in the bathroom is NOT, I repeat NOT a decoration.  As much as I am sure you love the stench of your  three coiled steamers, the rest of us don't.  USE THE SPRAY!  I don't care if it gives you a headache.  It's better than the alternative.   Oh, and wash your fucking hands when you are done, too.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm part American Indian. I won't say which tribe. In my research and readings, I discovered two items, which proved to me that humans are, in general, the same everywhere at any time.  1) In the past, when an American Indian woman became old and her husband died, if she didn't have a male relative to take responsibility for her well being, she was excluded from the tribe. Being alone and old with no protection, she soon died.  2) After the "Trail of Tears" when the "five civilized tribes" had been removed from Mississippi and forced to move to the new Indian Territory in Oklahoma, some of the Indians did manage to live a good life. That "good life" included owning African slaves.   
  I have everything I need. A nice motorhome, a dime bag, lots of beer, 500 movies... But, come 10pm, I want to at least  ogle  some girlflesh. I hit up the sports bar. The wonderful Niki is there, playing like crap, but who the hell cares when you can watch her stretch her 95lb, 5'8" body across the table. I've known her since she was seventeen. We're friendly. I growl in her ear every time I see her lately. She giggles and sometimes blushes, and loves it. When I ask her to, she introduces me to her friend Laura, who is also 21, tall, with frizzy short black hair, and also about 95lb. I get her alone, and say; "I'm just waiting for your guy to come back, then I'm going to fight him for you." She loves it, but says: "Which one?" She's a  really  neat and gorgeous young woman, somewhat out of the mainstream, which I prefer. But I'm an old fart, after all. She moves away and doesn't come back. I leave, and walk to my minivan. I notice a cute young woman sitting on the kerb, talking on her cellphone. I don't even glance in her direction, because it's getting late at night, and there's nobody else on the street. I don't want to make her nervous. Niki: "Are you following me?" Me: "Niki! No, I'm not -- my minivan is right there..." I get in, and turn into the alley behind the sports bar. I notice Laura walking with one of her "boyfriends." I stop when I get abreast of them. Laura spots me and giggles, but her guy doesn't look amused. Me: "Laura! Are you  quite  sure?" She doubles up, laughing. He stares daggers. I don't care -- I'm going home to my beer and my dime bag...  
  i see advertised on a bill board in sydney (yes i live in Australia) "SEXPO 2001" naturaly i am intreged and i read on. It is a sex festval thingy where people have stalls selling shit like viagra ice cream and all sorts of other sex equipment. there is also plenty of live strip shows. I come accross a stall selling speical "choclate body sauce" Stuff you lick of your partners naked body. Any way i ask how is it diffrent from choclate ice cream toping apart from it costing 3 times as much  and the custemers and the shopkeepers  and stear at me like i am totaly un cultured and i dont know shit. so as payback i steal 2 bottles when no one is looking. i take them home and as i do not have a girl friend i put then on my ice cream and whack off whilst eating.   
  After spending hours of my life on Lowbrow dot com, and considering I'd laughed harder than I've laughed at a long time while watching a South Park episode (the one where Kenny wears his coat upside-down, and walks upside-down on picture day so his butt is sticking out of his hood, and Cartman takes the photo and gives it to the local milk company so they can put it on a missing child carton), I've come to the realization that I'm going to have a very hard time surpressing my laughter when my kids do something embarrasing (like fart in church). It's going to take every ounce of faux-adult-like behavior to keep from laughing my arse off.   God help me indeed.   
  The Greenhouse Residents:  Johnny Two Pants - a sloppy accountant who owns 5 ferrets  Arpoo - 330 lb. queen obsessed with redheads  Wedgilina - Theatre Major - 'nuff said  Stripe - stinky tattoo artist that prefers the basement and mussells fra'diablo  Fluffy - anorexic punk fisherwoman on the river DeNile  Pauly McBeal - nuerotic ex car thief w/ a knack for carpentry  Twink - the attic dwelling waiter often bearing likeness to an elf  The Colonel - sexual deviant yet a prolific songwriter of the meloncholy set  I can't BELIEVE I live here.         
  So I started dating this guy who  also submits to lowbrow.  Three weeks later and I'm getting fucked up the ass with a toothbrush - who saw that coming?  
  today in the gym, this really old guy bent over *really* far to stretch, with his butt facing everyone else in the gym.  he was wearing short old-guy shorts, and when he bent over (damn flexible, even for an old guy) i couldn't help myself.  i looked -- saw alot of hair.  
  Me and Timmy driving in west Jersey at 2 am just for kicks, summer after senior year. He goes to turn into a big parking lot, looking for another road. "Tim, you've just turned into a marijuana cigarette". I don't know why he's laughing, then it hits me.  Damn Sublime song, damn exhaust fumes         
  You know, you start to loose all hope in our nations attempts to stem global terrorism when the fire alarm goes off in the mall and everyone calmly continues shopping.  
  I used to hate beer.  I hated it in the way that every college freshman hates beer, because they don't like the taste, but learn to love it, because it's cheaper than beer.  I now love beer.  Shiner Bock is the greatest beer known to man, or at least to me.  Everyone always told me that it's an acquired taste.  Why are tastes "acquired"?  Pizza tasted good 1st time I tried it.  So did Dr. Pepper.  Why do people eat or drink stuff that tastes like my sweaty asshole after walking all day at Six Flags and then exclaim it to be great  but only after many, many tries?  My mom still tries to convince me that I'll drink coffee one day.  Coffee tastes like my foreskin, only nuttier.  "You'll see. Just wait.", she says.  I think my mom is into hallucinogenic drugs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I live in an apartment complex with assigned parking. The covered places are reserved for specific apartments, the uncovered is free game. Often I come home around one in the morning to find free spots open and mine taken. Now I'm the only one who can park there without getting towed or so I'm lead to belive by management. There are a number of cars that do this, a red grand prix, a white chevy, an old blue mercury. It's obnoxious, and they never get towed. I've taken to writing "Don't park here." in peanutt butter on their windshields. I hope this is effective as the next step is collecting sperm from everyone in the apartment and dumping it on their windshields after lining the wipers with vaselline.   I suppose I could call and have them towed, but making them clean cum and vaselline off of the windshields is better than the $80 fine.   
  One of my roommates was dating a chick with a baby at one point.  One night he forgot to turn the monitor off, and left the receiver in the living room.   With me. And a friend I had over at the time.    "Pound me! Pound me! Pound me!"   Until that day I thought people only said that type of thing in a porn movie.   
  They're moving everyone out of our housing area because they're selling it to private enterprise. But if some of the people in the older housing down the road want to move in until the turnover, they can.  This was fine by me until they moved the family with the loudass brats into the unit next to mine.  I told the little girl the reason no one lived there until they did was because there had been a multiple murder/suicide and it was haunted. She told her brother. They told mom. She called Housing and they said no, of course not. Little girl came to me and said it had been denied. I told her well, of course they'd deny it, it would make them look bad. The moving van came back today. See ya, guys!  
  quote surfs up on the bell curve and its a great day for a ride endquote in response to a question about what he was not more normal         
  I had just moved out of my parents house into my own apartment in the city. Two carloads of my friends and I decide to head downtown to see a band play.  I drive one car, my friend drives the other. We stop at a quiet stoplight, her car in front of mine. No one behind me. I think, 'oh wouldn't it be funny to lurch the car forward a bit and tap her bumber?' My car full of rowdy friends agrees.   Appearantly at this very same moment, my friend's carful of friends had agreed that it would be quite funny to punch it in reverse and tap the front of my car.   Great minds think alike?  I can still hear my dad saying "God damn it, I told you not to play around in the car! You never should have moved out."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We sat on the couch and smoked what seems to be the mandatory-after-sex-cig.    ::Long Silence::   Him: "Do you have those games on your computer where you shoot guys?"  Me:  "No."  ::Longer silence::  Me:  "Do you?"  Him:  "Naw."  Ah, the classic awkward after-sex-got-nothing-to-say convo.  
  Mountain Dew.  Nectar of the Tards.  
  everynow and then, i fantasise about my friends sister. her large d-cup chest, round ass, tongue pierced, nothing but thongs in her room, she even gave me one when i was stoned with her.smells like strawberries. shes so clean and smart, tall, ahhh, i could fuck that all day. i give her back rubs all the time and i get wood from how she moans in pleasure.and her frineds i hang out with, a short girl, dark hair, plump breasts round ass, the kind you want to see in tight jeans.hold on......      gotta spank it  
  yea so there we were, she was 16, i was 19.  Wanted to have my way... I went to a movie.  Things went well, she was looking to lose her cherry.  we parked the car at a used car dealer ship (i was clever.) and got into the back seat... all of a sudden she screams... there's was a guy looking in the window...  he was all like "oh i am soooo sorry i live acrossed the road and i just got home, i've never seen this car here before and i liked it. I was looking for a price."  wanna know what's low brow? I sold it to him a week and a half later :)  
  Last night my g-friend needed something to wipe the cum off her chest, being lazy and absentmindedly grabbed what I thought was a towel from the floor, not stopping to think what a towel would be doing on my bedroom floor. Then this morning as I was waiting to go to work, the door bell rang, looked out the window, saw the mailman with a package, grabbed a pair of pants, a shirt and ran two flights down to get my mail. I sign for the box, turn to go inside and while looking down at the package I see my shirt is covered in crusted semen.   
  Quite literally under a minute ago  I got a raging hardon from one of the girls in an X10 ad.  
  I've been having sex so many times but I still don't know where the fuck the G spot is. I'm fucking lame aren't I?         
  My 34 year old single sister recently got a new shower installed in her house, with one of those fancy detatchable heads that has 9 million different settings for the flow of water, you know the type.  So, as she's demonstrating all the different settings, all I can think is "Gee, I bet she finds that great for masturbating"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i've been skateboarding for 16 plus years. i had never skated a real pool, though... plenty of bowls, wood and concrete, but never a pool. upon verifying the location of a 10 foot kidney at a shut-down motel, i "allowed" all of my employees to leave early, headed home, smoked a bowl, grabbed my pads and board, and was off. it's fucking good to be boss.  
  After months and months of nothing, my brother set me up on a blind date of sorts.  When I got out of the shower, drying my hair, my corrective lense nosepieces gouged twin parralell scratches into my forehead.    "No, it won't wash off, I tried already" I mumbled       
  I have lied, begged, pleaded, fought, paid, stolen, argued, reasoned, sweet-talked, performed magickal rituals, cried, yelled, danced, massaged, prayed, provided drugs, driven, and sang to get sex.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         5AM  In an NYPD paddy wagon designed to hold 20 , there are 40.  I am daisy chained to 4 other people.  The harded criminals who have been through this all before are taking this opportunity to consume as much of their drugs as they can before we get to central booking, the guy next to me asks me to move my arm with his so he can sniff more of his blow.  The man on the other side of me vomits on the floor.      
  We were @ huddle house just screwing around one night.  blake said something that kinda pissed me off, so i hocked a huge loogie and spat it in his drink.  not to be outdone, he does the same to me.  we laugh, push our drinks away, and continue the conversation.  no more than 5 minutes later, i take a big, absentminded swig of my water.  
  Wife and I are living in Japan, riding an express train from Tokyo to the little town that we live in. It's a long ride, and because it's an express train, it's crowded as hell, so we're standing and we've been standing for some time, and we're tired.  Near the door, there's a young man who doesn't look at all well. In fact, he looks decidedly green. He proves this by doing the ol' "Twist & Shout," blowing undigested, beer-soaked ramen all over a businessman, an office girl, the floor, the wall, the window, and himself. The stench is unbearable... At the next stop, everyone (including the young man) evacuates the car.  I glance at my wife and nod towards the puddle of disaster and ask, "Does that bother you?" She says no, so we go further down and have a seat, with the whole car to ourselves. First Class all the way, baby!  
   Touching Friendship Moments   Sitting in my car with Christy, both of us coked silly.  Making good conversation, just sitting in my car outside the dealer's house.  She tells me that if I wanted to ever experiment with heroin, she wants me to do it with her so she'll know I'm being safe.  Now that is what real friends are for.  
  She was flying coach. The man in front of her was talking loudly about profit amortization; she suspected that he had already peaked career-wise and was on a fiery blaze down.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  sometimes i go to the everything's-a- dollar store and pick up some random item and bring it to the register just so i can ask the person behind the counter: "hey, do you know how much this is?"  
  years ago...  around the time that I got "the talk" from my Dad for the first time.  Of course, I'd been on the internet for quite a while, and watching the Sunday Night Sex Show every weekend.  So we're walking the dog around the block, and he says to me "If you ever need condoms, but you don't feel comfortable buying them, I'll get them for you, no questions asked."  The only thing I could think to say was "I don't think I'd have a problem buying condoms; actually, I'd be proud that I was gonna get some..."  I wish I could still talk to him like that....  
  i try to balance on the rail of my mom's (whom i am visiting) above ground pool at 5 am and fall in, fully-clothed, very drunk.  the sun is just up.  my friend of 10 years is laughing at me from the deck, then he abruptly pulls his pants down, turns around, bends over and starts yelling, "look at my asshole!" "hate it!" "it's brown and ugly and full of filth!" "We all have assholes and we are all going to die!"  he is spreading his cheeks and hopping up and down. i am laughing so hard i am nearly drowning.  He keeps jumping up and down, screaming about how we all have assholes and we are all going to die in the filth and piss we spew forth- all this stuff in one big tirade.  i pee in the pool, right through my jeans. he begins to lose energy and it is then that i look towards the house and notice my mom's window is open. a second later i notice my dad's truck going up the street and around the bend... we have never spoken of it.  
  I love most Zimbabwean music, but I don't quite understand their long-running tradition of putting football (soccer) game commentaries to music. "The Dynamos are leading, two goals to one, But the Tornados are in the penalty box, And it's a  goal!!!!!!!!! " Beats the hell out of Britney, but I don't quite get it...  
  So...we're at a friend's house right now...and we convinced him to put on a pair of duct tape underwear, even though there were obviously sharp paperclips attached, as well as a tattered purple pimp coat and hat. Of course, his two year old brother would have to come downstairs and ask be to carried up the stairs while he's wearing these chaffing underpants and in such a humiliating state of dress. I think this is more his lowbrow moment, than mine. He's groaning behind me in pain while I type, and using a cold soda to ice his nipples...The doorbell rings, our pizza arrives, "I'm coming...aw that sounded wrong," he says, can of soda pressed firmly to his swollen nipple. All this in a room with blacked out windows, a bed that makes noises like it's farting, stuffed animals (including a "snake" that's too big for a "beaver") and pictures of some japanese chick in a bath shitting herself like a fountain of shit.   Yep...Old Faithful.  Yeah...girls are sadistically amused at the pain of their guy friends.  
  I'm 16, I've never even kissed a girl, but my friend made me finger her last night.  Then she proceeded to give my other friend head.  My life's a fucking lowbrow.  
  I once had a Biology teacher who dropped her keys into the toilet after doing her business.  There are many things that people would do to fix the situation.  Maybe get the plunger and try to fish them out that way.  Or perhaps find some kind of brush or stick to retrieve them that way.    Not her.  She thought the best way to get her keys was to flush the toilet.  I guess she thought that there was some kind of complex filter that would reject her keys and make them magically pop back out or something.    No wonder she was teaching 9th grade biology.  She also looked like the wicked witch of the east if that's saying anything.  And she had a monkey that went by the name of Leo.  
  I work at a jack shack.  Men pay me to strip while they masturbate.  My friends think i'm working on a PHd in Anthropology.  
  I've actually seen inbred people.  This was when I was working at the Radio Shack in Asscrack, AZ.  This...I guess you'd call it a "couple" ...comes in, looking for a CB antenna (seriously).  The guy was just...bleh, but the woman!   She was trying to ask me a question but couldn't finish it because each time she talked she would belch uncontrollably in my face.    I asked my boss if I could go clean the bathroom.    
  My girlfriend and I were at in-n-out and we see this sincere, nerdy guy flirting with this attractive swf from his organic chemistry class. Before they part, they exchange aim nicks. Totally unaware that we were eavesdropping.  Making a mental note of the screenames, the first thing my girlfriend and I do when we get home is find this guy online and pretend to be the chick from his organic chemistry class.   Let's just say that until last week, he thought he was getting some.  
  We're all sitting around the table at lunch one day.  I'm explaining to them why I don't eat red meat.  "It's not for any health reasons or ethical reasons.  I just never liked red meat.  And I don't care if other people eat it.  As far as I'm concerned, cows are baseball gloves."  "Yeah, or jackets," says Garrett.  "Yeah, LEATHER jackets," says Gary.  
  How come every fucking person I introduce my new girl to has to tell her some fucked up story about me or show her some photo of me naked somewhere? Wow, I wonder what is so drastically wrong with  her  anyway...  
        I put peanut butter on my penis, and had my dog lick it off.  That low enough for you?  
  I went to the Student Union for my lunch break one day and ordered myself a slice of pizza.  As I'm sliding my tray down to fill up my drink, my slice slides off and lands toppings down on the floor. The floor that I'm sure is not cleaned daily, especially not the parts underneath the bars where you slide your trays along. I can SEE how dirty it is even before I bend over to pick it up and make a display of brushing it off. I ate the whole thing.  
  i always make really small cock jokes about myself so that people think i'm only kidding.  boy will they be suprised.  
  For fun in grade school we used to play the "2" game on our calculators.  Starting with four 2's in an 8-digit display, one person would mash on 2, the other would mash on CE.  If you were mashing on 2 and you got 8 of them, you win, if you were mashing on CE and you remove all of the 2's, you win.  There were never prizes.   
  Wanna know the value of prayer? Pray into one hand and shit into the other and see which hand fills up first.  I read that somewhere.    
  My very first memory is the day my great grandma died. I was about 5. I was out on the front porch of GG's house fishing little magnetic fish out of a wading pool with my magnet rod. Mother dissapears inside for a minute and then returns and tells me to come with her.  She takes me into the room where my GG had JUST DIED minutes ago. Shes still laying in her death bed. She tells me to touch her still-warm, lifeless hand to show me that death wasnt scary. I pick up a dead womans hand thats still warm and drop it. That is my first memory. People wonder why im so fucked up.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I just started to get into the 'X-Files' recently," I said.  "I'm surprised it took you this long. You seem like just the type to enjoy that heady, conspiracy-theory stuff," said my friend. "What finally snared you?"  "Gillian Anderson has one healthy rack," I responded.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The situation: Three days from payday and I'm totally, flat-out, hopelessly broke.  Checking overdrawn, fifteen cents in my pocket, no credit in the world.  Since this has happened before, I'm not too alarmed.  I've got my backup stash of ramen at home and my subway pass, so I feel confident I can ride out the next few days without any necessary expenditures.  Then I remember the bare cardboard tube hanging in my bathroom where a roll of toilet paper is meant to be.  Shit!  Literally.   I sit in the men's room at work contemplating this situation, glancing over to the rolls fixed into the dispenser.  Fixed firmly in place.  Suddenly I flash back to college, when my dorm featured dispensers with little black release buttons on them, which allowed non-janitors to liberate rolls whenever necessary.  Having finished my business, and remembering the uneven and incomplete remodeling this pit of an office building has undergone, I go on a quest.     Downstairs to the 11th floor.  No luck.   10th floor.  Damn.   9th floor.  This isn't looking good.   8th floor. Whole lotta nothin.   7th floor.  This may have been a stupid idea.   6th floor.  I wonder if that place that buys blood plasma is still open?   5th floor.  Maybe I should give this up.   4th floor.  Score!  There they are - the little release buttons so conscipciously missing from restrooms on floors 12 through 5.  Sighing a sigh of profound relief, I set three (mostly full) rolls free, hoist my backpack to my shoulder, and set off for home.  The prospect of tomorrow morning's massive dump puts a smile on my face, and all is well with the world.  
  For the last three days now I've been sitting at my desk with the door closed and reloading lowbrow. For 8 hours a day.   I remember months ago thinking it was funny that since no one directly supervises me and all I do is file old papers, I could get away with doing nothing for months. Then I tested the theory and found it was true. After a few weeks I no longer found it funny.  The weird thing is I get this real feeling of personal satisfaction when I finish looking at all my favorite web sites. I must remember that this isn't really my job.  
  O.K. braille on the drive-up ATM kind of makes sense. But why do they have closed captioning on the Spice channel?  
  In my seventh grade picture, I have braces, greasy hair, and a bleeding pimple on my chin.  
  She had a laptop - unusual to start with, at my college.  She was sitting in the back row with her eyes glazed over.  Under the pretense of sharpening a pencil, I caught a glimpse of the screen...  I hope that guy had REALLY small hands. And had trimmed his fingernails.  
  I have a lowered truck. I had to raise it back up for 2 reasons.  1) Shitty weather.  2) Cats. I hate the fuckers. Went out riding around one night, and one of the goddamn things ran out in front of me.  I spent way too much money on this truck to swerve into a ditch over a cat. I ran over it and heard the   first thunk as it hit the oil pan.  second thunk as it hit the floorboard.  third thunk as it hit right under the extended cab.  4th, 5th, 6th...as it got tangled in the driveshaft.  I pulled over for the fear of something on my truck getting dislodged. Seems the remains got stuck in the knuckle of the driveshaft and transmission.  To free the remains would involve dropping the transmission and seperating it from the driveshaft.  Fuck that.  I left the cat on there and watched the rats and other animals eat the carcass late at night. Took "them" 2 days to clean it all the way out.  Can't decide which was more lowbrow. Being too lazy to get the cat out, or drinking beer with friends while watching it happen.  Life in rural NC is bad.      
  As I was driving down the road today, a woman flashed her lights at me to warn me of a cop hiding behind the trees further down the road.  At that moment I was overcome with a love for humanity.  
  Here's how my friend told me he found out that his young teen sons had gotten their hands on a porno. His youngest (4 or 5)  son kept saying, "I love to eat ass and penis..."  
  I don't have any STD's.    None.  Zero.  Zilch.  Yes, sometimes it amazes me too.  
  So i go into the local shops to by my boss a christmas present. A giant clam for the beach for his little daughter. They couldnt find the barcode.    Imagining doing a price check for a giant clam.  
  I went to my girlfriend?s house in Grand Junction, CO and she had decided to show me around the area.  She took me offroading up grand mesa, forty minutes up the trail we had stopped to enjoy the view of the city and the surrounding area.  We sat enjoying the scenery with my woman resting against my stomach, very romantic with the wide open skies and no one around for miles, when I leaned over and whispered gently in her ear  "I have to take a shit."      Walking back to the car she explained to me that the nearest rest stop was almost an hour away. "I have to go now"  I went wandering to find a suitable place to relieve myself.  Being on a mesa there were no trees or bushes to hide behind, so the best thing I found was the edge of the mesa.  So I gave in and sent massive amounts of projectile shit hurtling down five hundred feet of cliff face.  I looked everywhere to find something to wipe with, there was nothing in reach, no plants, not even a rock, so I took off my shirt and I used my Calvin Klein undershirt to wipe my ass.  That also went hurtling down the cliff.  As I approached the car Lynn asked what had taken so long. "Don't ask." "What happened to your shirt?" ?Well??  Several months later I sat around smoking with some friends when the story of my adventure surfaced.  After the initial banter had subsided my roommate decided to calculate the velocity at which my shit had hit the ground.  Sixty mile per hour, my friends are fucking nerds.   
  I fear that I will die unexpectedly, then when my family is cleaning out my room, they will find all the porn mags I have stashed under the matress, and in the closet, adn think "Man, he was a real fucking pervert, and we never knew it..."  Yet, I never move them...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my alarm goes off, ricky martin is playing on the radio.  i get in my car, jennifer lopez is playing on the radio.  i walk into the grocery store, and enrique iglesias is playing on the radio.  i come to my computer, and my winamp is playing gloria estefan.  i'm caught up in the latin fever.  OLE!       
  I was briefly an inmate in a Mississippi mental hospital (don't ask). While I was there, some guy they'd brought in around the same time I was there developed a crush on me. No big deal, one'd think.  Until the day a pair of my knickers went missing from my drawer.  The morning after I discovered them missing, and they were asking how we were in morning group, *he* pipes up with "Actually, I'm really tired because I was up all night masturbating".  And then he *looked* at me.  I don't think I've ever been that grossed out in my life.   
  Today, while eating my breakfast (I'm not sure which is stranger: that I had a hamburger and Pepsi for breakfast, or the fact that I was actually awake at 8:30 AM to eat it, after being up using my computer since 1 AM), I watched my mum's diabetic cat eat his special canned high-protein diabetic-cat food (he'd been eating almost exclusively dry Science Diet for the last 11 years of his life or so, and subsequently gotten really fat, which probably contributed to his pancreatitis, which left him with diabetes; I had to give him insulin shots twice a day for some weeks when my mum went in hospital for an operation). I had never actually seen this kind of canned cat food before.  The first thing I thought when I saw it was something along the lines of, "That stuff probably looks the same coming up as it does coming down." It seriously looked like cat barf, and after he'd eaten most of it, he made sneezing-like noises, like 4 or 5 in a row. I thought he was going to barf again, but he hasn't yet.  
  I knew this really horny pregnant girl one time that frequently came over to fuck me. I always considered her attractive before she was pregnant and at first it was kind of exciting to fuck a pregnant girl. Their pussies seem to be warmer and get wetter than non-pregnant girls and of course there was no problem about cumming inside of her (this was before AIDS). When she started lactating, I thought that was pretty hot at first too. When she got to big to fuck in the usual positions, we would fuck doggie style only. One night, late in her pregnancy and after her face had gotten kind of puffy and her feet were kind of swelled up and she had developed hemoroids and her pussy looked huge I looked down to watch my dick slide in and out of her and noticed that my dick was coated with a thick, white pasty substance. I remember thinking "Holy fuck, the things I do just to cum"  
  I'm sitting alone in my room on a Friday night reading "Linear Algebra" and pretending to smoke a candy ciggarette.  
  I used to beat up kids with my metal "Muppets in Space." lunch box when i was in 1st grade. They took that away from me and had me start taking sack lunches.  Its like pillow fighting except at the end, instead of fun white feathers floating around, you get a smooshed bannana....//  
   We were sitting in the backyard when a three-legged dog came and sat on my friend's lap.  My friend said, "Ohhh this poor dog is so cute.  What happened to it?"  "It got hit by a car."   "Ohhh, will it grow back?"      
   ok, so this one time i  was giving my face a full detailing, i'd been itching inside my ear,  scratching off dead skin, etc.   then i went to pick some food out of my teeth   earwax tastes really, really bad  
  I went into a gas station restroom the other day. Instead of using one of the 3 unoccupied urinals, or the toliet, I opted for the trashcan. I was completely sober.... thanks LowBrow.  
    I was at a bar with some friends a few years ago. The bartender was a reallly hot looking girl, and this guy at the bar was hitting on her. He kept on trying to get her to accept a drink from him. My friends and I watched as she politely and firmly tried to turn him down. Finally she just got tired of the drunk and told him that the drink would interfere with her meds. Practically fell in love with that cute redhead right then and there.  
  I had the worlds worst haircut about 2-3 years ago.  I still remember the experience vividly.  Some advice to consider: 1.  If the haircut costs 2 dollars, you're probably getting what you paid for. 2.  If the barber has a toupee but then decided that he wants long hair and just pushes the toupee back on his head so the part that was supposed to bend along with the back of his head is actually well below his ears then maybe you don't want this same man cutting your hair. 3.  If the barber has awful hearing problems and when you ask him "Just a little off the top" he replies:  "No, I'm sorry.  I don't have any pop."  Honestly.  You don't want to stay in his chair. 4. If he is drinking shots of tequila while cutting your hair, chances are the result may be embarassing.  Really.  Honestly.  And my hair grows slowly, so it was 4 or 5 months before the nightmare finally ended.   
  i went to visit my girlfriend at her college and ended up getting totaly wasted.  After the party we went to her room.  While we were making love my drunk ass started yelling, I mean yelling out the most obscene things I could think of, and she stared sceaming out too.  What I didn't realize is that her roomate and several of her friends were right in the room next to our.  I didn't hear the end of that  
  I was on a business trip with my friend Mike sitting in O'Hare, we had struck up a conversation with an older women sitting in the seats directly on the other side of ours.  Because I had to turn around to talk to her, one of my feet were resting on the chair next to mine.  The entire area was pretty quiet, seeing it was later at night and we were waiting for a delayed plane.  While my friend Mike was yaking to her, I let a completely huge and probably one of the loudest farts I've let in my life.  My friend Mike stopped talking in mid-sentence and just got up and walked away leaving my and the shocked women sitting there.  All I could do was giggle and say that my friend Mike had a stomach ache, I got up and went and joined him at the phone he had walked to where he was laughing uncontrollably  
  I think this guy that works at the skate shop near where I live stole my bbq grill.  He parks his car in my parking area, so every chance I get I take a piss on it.  I always make sure to hit the door handle.  One day, he's gonna leave the window down.  Then he'll get it.  
     In spanish class i look over to the girl sitting next to me.  She was popping pimples.  I try not to notice, but the she pops some on her chest.  I look away disgusted, and when i looked back i saw her licking her lips.   No wonder why they call her iron face.  
  one halloween, i went as an old time soda jerk. i had on bright white pants, a little black bow tie, the stupid paper hat, and fake nerd glasses with tape in the middle. some glitzy chick came up to me in a mcdonald's & asked me if i was dressed up. i hope she dies of rabies  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i need to find out where all the hot, black-haired emo girls hang out on friday night.  
  This story begins long ago in a more innocent time of my life. I was at one of my friends sleepovers.  It was late and we were all hopped up on sugar so we all decided - "What the hell, let's measure ourselves."  So we got our prepubescent dicks erect by looking at a vintage PlayBoy and proceeded to compare ourselves to the markings on a novelty condom.  I can't remember my exact length , maybe 3", but it was not so small as to illicit embarassment or so long as to induce envy.  Flash forward to New Years 2002.  So we're all drunk on 151 and whatever was around.  Again the brilliant idea of measuring our manliness pops up.  So we  get out the tape measure and, try as can, I can't exceed 4.5" max.  I turn 24 in May and I'm still a virgin.  The cheque for my real doll is in the mail.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The worst line I've ever been handed came from a male friend who decided he was in love with me... without bothering to consult me on my feelings regarding that theory. He sold most of his stuff and moved across the country to be with me, telling everyone back home we were getting married. When he got here, I had already received several phone calls congratulating me on my upcoming marriage. Needless to say, I set him straight in no uncertain terms. He was an okay friend, but the idea of a physical relationship with him grossed me out.  Of course he became immediately both whiny and abusive, and would do things like leave me flowers on the doorstep with a pile of shit next to them. Finally his friends back home convinced him to enter therapy. He thankfully broke off all communication with me, except for one last phone call. "Well" he said, "I had a breakthrough in therapy today. My therapist says I'm this fucked up only because you won't sleep with me. So? You want to help me out and have sex with me to cure me?" After I stopped laughing, I hung up and changed my phone number.  Sometimes I wonder what asylum he wound up in. Hi, Kev!  
  Codeine nods, Duke Nukem 3D Atomic edition, Camel 99s, Big Black, ice cold beer, http://www.sixsixfive.com, Pop Tarts, Zippo Lighters, Kaluha, Hammer Films, Ray Harryhausen, usenet porn, MC Hawking, pierced nipples, wy wife jerking me off - slowly - into her mouth...    These are a few of my faforite things...     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         By agreeing to the following I am accepting responsibility for fact that some little part of me may be more than just a  little  bit twisted.       ACCEPT   &nbsp &nbsp   DECLINE     
  Yet another preacher's daughter (Hi, Ann R!) and I form a loose relationship that lasts for years.  Up until then, all the girls and women I'd spent time with were all pretty sexually inert. Ann was  not .  She was "saving herself" for marriage, but would do literally anything else we could think of, with more enthusiasm than seemed possible.  (Perhaps the real lowbrow moment here is that in Scotland in 1968, there wasn't much we  could  think of -- we had literally never heard of oral sex, for example.)  She left for University, and when she came home at the end of the first term, she was terrified she was pregnant.  Upon questioning, it was obvious to me that she wasn't pregnant, since she was still a virgin, and all of her fears were centered on a little drop of semen that had landed near her pubes.  I patiently explained that her "pregnancy" was imaginary, and probably guilt-induced -- she loved her parents, her life, her everything, and about the one thing that might make it all go away would be if she got pregnant.  However, logic has no currency to a woman's scorn. She got so sick with worry that her period was  six weeks  late! Only when she bounded into my shop one day, beaming from ear to ear, did the silly episode end.  The real lowbrow moment here? At the end of the next term, still a virgin, she came home  convinced  she was pregnant, and we repeated the whole thing over again.  
  It's just not fair.  I can bring her to climax with my mouth at least 4 times in 10 minutes.  It is my duty is it not?  Why do I have to beg to get a little head. Granted, she won't do to me what I can do to her, but it is the thought that counts.   
  Getting your clothes turned down by the Salvation Army is very Lowbrow.  
  Eventually, I will end up screwing one of my best friends' girlfriends. I've gotten awful close before. I probably won't even do anything to prevent it. I hope I don't get caught. "How's it going, buddy?" I might say later.   
  Sunday night, brewpub closed, so I go to my alternate bar.  I'm good friends with the bartender, so we chat amiably.  A rather worn-out, hard-boiled woman moves her seat next to me and starts talking.  Turns out it's her 30th bday. If she'd asked me to guess, I would have said 45, but that would only to be kind.  She leaves for a few minutes, so I look inquisitively at the bartender. He shakes his head. I agree, but I whisper to him: "Hey, she probably gives great blow jobs, since she doesn't have any teeth."  He and I make fun of her until she comes back.  Turns out she had been playing strip poker in the back -- I'm grateful she didn't invite me.  She tells me more about her hard life, like nobody gave her a bday pressie. I, finally genuinely sympathetic, say: "I might have a bday present for you" and I offer to get her high on some nice weed.  She: "Oh, I'd love to, but I can't"  Me: "Sure you can!"  She: "No, I can't -- I have myasthenia gravis..."  (The more you know about myasthenia gravis, the more lowbrow this moment gets)   
  I'm pretty sure if I look up "forever" in the dictionary, it's not going to say "until I can get that slut I work with to blow me, so I can stomp all over your self-esteem when it comes out I prefer her fat ass to you."  
  When feeling more empty than usual, i strive to remedy by food.  This morning i noticed we were sans milk, forcing me to dump the frosted flakes directly into my coffee instead. I hate when life has too many bad compromises.  
  My roomate just came home.  It's Saturday night and 10:30.  I just thought to myself, what kind of a loser comes home at 10:30 on a Saturday night.  Then I realized that I was home to witness it.  
  At my 8-5, a sad combination of Dilbert and the movie Office Space:  Boss (who, incedentally, looks eerily like the boss on Office Space): Could you print me up a copy of the cost estimate that you e-mailed the other day?  Me: It's on the server; I can give you the path... (meaning he could look at it, as everyone has access to the server).  Boss: No, could you print me up a copy?  Or, actually, e-mail it to me.  Me: But it's on the server; you can look at it and print it up, if you need to.  Boss: No, just e-mail it to me, I'll print it up from my computer.  Me (being quick with MS Excel): well, I have it open here, would you like me to print it for you?  Boss: Just e-mail it.  If I need a copy, I'll print it.  Me: But I don't have access to my e-mail account from this computer; this is just a work station.  I'd have to interrupt the rush job you put me on, go to my computer, boot it up, start the e-mail program, wait for 5 minutes while it locates the PacBell POP3 server, write you the e-mail, and wait 3 minutes while the 2 2.5-MB files upload to the server.  Like I said, I can just print it for you now.  Boss: E-mail it to me, please, then print me up a copy.   Oh, what I wouldn't do for a quart of napalm and some poison darts!  
  everybody says we're in a decade of decadence.  they're right.  just watch the Teletubbies ...  
  Her: I don't care..I want to get fucked.  Me: um, like I said, yer fourteen.  Her: so?  My tits aren't big enough? My pussy ain't big enough?  Phhtt!  Me: Ok; look.  You're fourteen - you have no idea what you're getting into.  I've been around...I think I understand and you don't.  You're too young for this shit.  Her:  I've been with seventeen men - all of them were older than you.  I think you're sexy - so...just make love to me!  Me:      Put my arms around her...deftly unbuttoned her bra [her tits weren't that big, but *very* nice!] and had possibly the best sex I've had in years. Damn!  She wouldn't stop!  At the end of it all, I was BEAT.  Spent two days walking around like a freakin' *very happy*  zombie.  Next Day:    What the hell was her name again???  EPILOGUGE:  Never saw her again - except in my fantasies.  Hey MT, wanna go again?     
  Yeah, I was cool....  Sunglasses on, cruising in my car....    I was the kind of guy I hated.        
  I had just finished having sex with my boyfriend. This particular day I had let him cum on my face. So, he dressed and got me a washcloth from my bathroom. After I had cleaned up, I went to the kitchen to get us both some soda. I ran into my aunt who had come to visit my parents. She stared at me while I poured the drinks and she asked me, "what's that on your neck?" So I felt my neck, which had a trail of cum I happened to miss on it, rubbed it into my skin and calmly said "oh, just some lotion my boyfriend gave to me."  I wonder, years later, if she believed me or not.  
   confession   I only miss the smell of your pillow.  
  One time, a few of my friends and I attended a show.  One of my friends had a knife on him, so the security guard told him to put it somewhere.  So we wander around the back, and we see this tent structure.  My friend says, "whoa, I wonder if someone lives in there...!" and we hear someone say, "someone DOES...AND THEY BITE!! ARR!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one more statement before i pass out  The simple fact that you are too drunk tomaintain an erection should be a good sign that you've drank toomuch.    The simple fact that thishas happened more than once should indicatet that your liver needs help  on top of that, not only did you not bring anyone home to help you through this crisis, but youwere too fucked up to even bother hittting on chicks...  man i need to getmy priorities straight  
  I awoke to find two piles of vomit and a futon documenting a case of explosive diarrhea.  Why did my Monday have to begin so janitorial?  I stomped into the kitchen to find the guilty party.  The first cat's tail went up--nothing.  The second cat's tail was lifted, and the aroma was testimonial.  Her butt reeked of the shit I cleaned off the futon.  The cat scurried to the living room and began to clean her stinky butt.  I'm certain she was in awe that she had left such explicit evidence.  
  "My mother told me that washing blue jeans in salt water will make the color last longer."  For some reason I was in the company cafeteria telling some other engineers this over lunch. The newly hired female ChemE across from me agreed and said that she had learned that in chemistry class.  She then asked where someone like my mother would have gained such technical knowledge.  I had to say that I was not exactly sure, but since she was a chemistry professor, she probably picked it up in one of her dye chemistry classes.  The young lady sputtered an apology, left the table and avoided me for the next two years.   (For those of you so do not understand the dynamic: Many female engineers believe that male engineers think that they are second class engineers. Here we had one such female automatically being amazed that any woman of my mother's generation could know anything technical.  BTW, Mom really is a chemistry professor.)  
   I get AOL and they have all these chats. I'm not sure what they're all about so I go in one and one of the first things I ever see typed is , "Sometimes, when I'm bored, I put a cape on my penis and solve mysteries."   One day, I stumble across Weather Chat and I wonder "What the hell could possibly be going on in there?", so, I go in expecting to see people chatting about wind shear and super cells and thermal events and the first thing I see is some person asking, "Can my farts change the weather?" Before I even think about it, I answered, "Let me go get my cape and we'll find out."   Oh god. I think I'm one of them now.      
  Jane - Big girl, very smart, great conversation and fantastic in bed.  Maria - Good laugh, one of the lads more than anything else and just wants me as a simple fuckbuddy.  Donna - Amazingly cute and very young, can't dance but has the best ass I've ever seen (even though it can't move in time to the music)  Monica - Good laugh, great kisser and makes great noises when you nibble her ear.  Katie - Stunning, Cold though and has never been a big fan of sex. Has broken my heart 2 times but when she eventualy comes back I can never say no.  Now none of this is bragging they each have there own up's and down's believe me! The lowbrow part though, is that dispite all the people above I really want the cold one and I think I always will.   I'm begining to wonder if the guy that created Frankenstein was onto something.  
  Idly surfing those public service sites where they list the sex offenders in certain states, I start doing searches on people I know.  It's truly astounding how many of my online friends are listed... or maybe not, considering the chat rooms I've met them in.   
  I park and walk towards the gas station quickstop. Guy: "Hey, buddy! You can't park there!" I walk over. He's big, and he smells of beer. He immediately gets in my face, explaining that I've blocked him and the rest of the customers. Me: "I'll be back out in one minute..." He: "Hell you will! There's five people in front of you!" It would take too long to explain that I'm not actually buying anything -- I'm just here to pay the guy behind the counter for a certain dimebag of godweed. I size him up. Big, but he's not protecting his lapels. I could break his nose with my forehead in about a half-second, then kick him in the balls until satisfied. I start to smile in anticipation. I look around at all the cars, and how they're arranged, and see that I'm somewhat blocking them. Me: "I'm sorry. You're completely right. I'll move." That surprised the hell out of him.  
  Every now and then the obsession comes upon me and I spend 12-14 hours on the computer, trying like hell to find that bitch he cheated on me with. Doesn't help she has a dirtcommon name, but I keep looking. Any little clue, any faint hint, just anything. And when I find her, oh my, the bad things I'll do.  I don't have time for karma.  
  There's nothing like the cry of a mother who has heard the following conversation from her 18 year old son:  "Say what you will about Vaseline and Astroglide, the best lube is blood."    
  I sat down in a public restroom only to find that the plastic seat had a crack in it.  When I tried to get up, I found that the fleshy part of my bodice was being pinched between the vise-like jaws of the seat.  As I yanked ever so harder to extract myself, I finally knew what Richard Harris's character in "A Man Called Horse" felt like.  Now that's what I call getting your *$$ out of a tight squeeze.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Benno Traut was nearly an American. He had lived in this country long enough to learn the buzzwords and favorite phrases of the dynamic entrepreneurial class - the segment of America that he had decided, even in Germany, to make his own. He transformed himself, over the five year period since his decision, from an intense, long-haired, bearded European pseudo-intellectual into the smiling, clean-faced, upwardly mobile and charmingly accented member of the Chamber of Commerce of Pompano Beach. The ladies laughed at his anecdotes and were aroused secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) by his simmering sexuality. The men took him on golf trips and slapped his back in bar rooms, liked to be near him and to be considered his friend. He was invited to all the parties and meetings and fund raisers, and his future worth was an exponential product of his present value. But in fleeting moments at pool side, and during reflective interludes after countless afternoon liaisons at luxurious Miami hotels, his pale blue eyes would freeze and gaze fixedly into the past, and his boyishly handsome face would mutate into a frightening, almost bizarre caricature of himself. It never lasted long, and few others ever noticed. But those who did shuddered and backed away, and wondered what demons might be locked inside the mind of Benno Traut        
  My parents never cought me having sex. They did the next best thing though.  One day my (long-time since) girlfriend and I get back to my parents place, and my parents are on their way out to have the car inspected - a task that seems to always take a few hours.  Well they depart and my GF and I decide we have some time to fool around.  Upstairs my Loudly Vocal GF and I go to my Very old Very Squeeky bed. We were having a great time of it to, probably one of our best sessions - till we hear a noise downstairs.  So we dress, and we wander downstairs. Low and Behold my parents had decided that this year they were not going to wait for the car as usual... they had just dropped it off and came right home!  So there the four of us were standing in our kitchen trying to act normal.... except for the fact that my mother did not look directly at either of us... and my dad was grinning like an idiot the entire time.  
  After we had been married for a few months, I felt that I had somehow miraculously acquired a sense of matrimony expertise, and I made my knowledge available to some of my friends on the verge of becoming experts themselves.  After talking to a few of the women, I found that all of their fathers had offered them a lump sum of cash to elope.    "What a great idea!  Go on, take the money and run!" I told them.    "I wish I would've had a chance like that" I told them.   I went home and talked to my wife.  As it turns out, I DID have a chance like that, and she just forget to mention it.  Damn it.   
  it was about ninety degrees and ninety nine percent humidity so we went up on the roof tar beach as we called it being the only free space in this godforsaken hell hole of a city frank drew out a small ultrasuede pouch gave it a shake and pulled out seven plastic tiles the runes as he called them gave an exquisite rendition of his life according to he the next day he quit smoking got a better job and moved a longitudinal study of the effects of such decisions may be in order but i thought that when you have no real direction or motivation a pile of plastic pseudo religion will do quite nicely        
  He was fat and nasty and he was dancing like a fool. A smoke in right hand and a Hite Beer in the left, and he was dancing.  He looked evil, so we nicknamed him "Pure Evil" which he wore proudly on a lint-covered black hat, and still he danced.  We chanted to him like a God, "he's Pure Evil, he's Pure Evil!" and many people joined in. Most had never seen the Great Pure Evil before, but we sang glorious songs in his name, drank many beers, and of course...we danced. Good goddamn did we dance. What a heavenly sight this evil was.  
  I had a girlfriend that i dumped when i came back  to the USA, she sent me an email the other day wanting me to describe to  her my life and what the fuck i do here.   hey bitch stop the email!!!   i spammed her email box with 3400 messages only to find 3000 undeliverable messages in my inbox.  Fuck !! Argentina upgrade your servers !!   
  Once at a party I stood on a table  with my pants around my ankles, reading poetry.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         getting my girlfriend drunk just so I can toss her salad probably signals that something is wrong with me.  
  When I first used to buy condoms I would never look the slerk in the eye. I was too embarassed to do that. Now, I look them in the eye and smile. All the while I think to myself.. "Yes, I will be having sex."  
  It seems like all of these things are about either sex or excrement.  Very cosmopolitan.  
  When I was in 6th grade, there was this girl I liked.  I thought she liked me too, as we hung out together a lot.  So, I got the nerve to ask her to come over to my house for dinner and see a movie. She asks if she can bring her boyfriend. Yeah, that didn't help my ego any.  
  my favorite job was working at the plaid pantry (a convenience store chain in the nw) 104th and holgate, portland, oregon graveyard shift, alone every night but saturday so i could go to rocky horror picture show  i stole bottles of boones wine to drink when i got home in the morning so i would fall asleep faster  my friends would come visit and i'd give them free pop and sell them beer (they were still underage)  frequently went to work stoned, got high with the asst manager once while waiting for the bus  god, i miss that job  
  downloading porn.  "I Like Porn" by the Melvins starts playing in Winamp.  how apropos  
  It's his dad's birthday. He buys a present, then heads off to the Hallmark for a bag and a card. I ask if he's buying tissue paper. "NO!" he scoffs. "I'm not paying 2.50 for tissue paper!" "YOu have to put tissue paper in the gift bag! That's what you do!" I protest. We sat down in the food court and while he filled out the card, he ordered me to steal napkins from Chik-Fil-A, despite all my protests. He packed the present in stolen Chik-Fil-A napkins, logo prominently displayed and all. His dad didn't notice, and when we pointed it out, he gave Coyle a hi-five for saving the dough. ~puck~  
  in 8th grade i had an obsessive crush on a pale, skater, guitar playing geek.  his class would always walk by my lunch table before they would leave the cafeteria.   one day i was eating my goldfishes (the crackers) and laughing it up with all of my friends.  guitar/god/geek walks by stops stares me straight in the eye. im thinking oh god so he too feels the love that burns in my heart.   he says: why do you like me? you dont even know me. all of his friends laugh. all of mine laugh.   moral of the story: it's kind of a funny antedote now...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate people that park over the line. Hate them, and their little sports cars, or huge SUVs (in the compact space, none the less).  While looking for a place in a very crowded garage, I found a space ... to the left was a pillar and to the right was a damn little sports car, 8 inches over the line. Fuck'em ... I pulled into the sport, thinking I'd leave about an inch between my mirror and his hood.  Instead, I hear the horrible squeaking sound, like a hundred fourth graders with new tennies in line for hot lunch. I panic, pull out (no more squeaking) and find a spot two floors up. I check my car and only find a little scuff mark on the passenger door.  What a wimp.   
  So I just dropped this girl off after a date. I had the ass-gas under extreme pressure. I had to fart BAD.  I walk away from her door, and hear it slam behind me. PRAISE THE LORD, HALLELUYAH! I farted for about 30 seconds while meandering to my car. Man that was good farting.  I turn around to see her watching me at her door. Her screen door.  We didnt talk after that...  
  some things are just too gross to look at, even if you wouldn't think they would be that gross at all.  today my professor had this white loogie on his lip, and every time he opened his mouth to say anything, it would form a loogie-string that stretched from his top lip to his bottom lip.  now, you wouldn't think it would be that overpoweringly disgusting, but it's quite the wonder i didn't barf all over my notebook.  
  As I rode the waves to a new home, to freedom, all I could think of was Fidel, where was he now?  did he know i was gone?  what was he thinking about?  it was about this same time that i felt a little squimesh on account of the waves, and threw up baked beans all over my current lover, then masturbated.  
  Working at wal-mart gives you the chance the see the very bottom of the gene pool....unfortuatly, you have to talk to them too. standing in front of the gun case in sporting goodsI see a guy at the automotive counter, than I see him look down at me, turn back to the automotive counter and nod, and than he walks down to me.  guy: "do you sell guns?" now mind you when he asks this he is standing in front of me, which means directly in front of him there are like 20 guns on display in a glass case.  me:"nope" the shrugs and walks away. ok so I should have stopede him, but i figured he was too dumb, or too blind to own a gun.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Catch!", he said while my back was turned.  I spun around only to see the blue plastic mug in mid-flight. A split second later it bounced off my head.  The pain began instantly and grew slowly until it was a dull throb. My head became warm and I felt like it was melting.  "Here", he said "hold this on your head." I took the wadded t-shirt from his hands.  "Nothing bleeds like the scalp.", he said as I held the t-shirt tightly onto my head, blood dripping into my eyes.  "Mind you don't get blood on the carpet. Your mom will throw up a shit storm if you do.", my father continued.  I nodded my head and stumbled outside where he sprayed me off with a garden hose.  
  Whenever I have a cold, I hack big old loogies into the sink instead of blowing my nose. Damn, I am such a sexy bitch.  
  I never felt cool until I met a 32-year-old virgin.  
  I knew it was time to quit when I had to explain to my 19-yr-old manager (I was 16 at the time) WHY she needed to use birth control.  A few days later, a coworker and assistant-manager were arrested for shoplifting during their break.  "I think I made the right decision," I thought as I quietly left.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the chick who cuts my hair filed for divorce.  she said, "i got my own apartment, before i told him that i was filing"  "nothing says 'goodbye' like your own apartment", i told her.  then she rinsed.  
  They probably hadn't been in the country long.  Their clothes were mismatched and ill-fitting; he wore a tuxedo jacket, she a windbreaker.  They walked hand in hand down the aisle in Mervyns, gawking at the merchandise and then smiling shyly at each other.  Clearly there hadn't been anything like this whence they came.  But they walked together under the flourescent lights, through the x-mas muzac and the mountains of merchandise-- and they were in love.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  "phwoooh", she sighed.  "For an out of shape kinda fat guy, you have a suprising amount of energy."        
    A good friend of mine once told me of her friend in Virginia Beach who owned a shoe store that rarely sold any shoes. It's entire profit margin came from sales of Queen Size panty hose to large women. What are YOU grateful for today?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           do you think it is relevent to compare current champions of mud wrestling such as Mike Hunt with the past masters of the sport?  :  crashbrn: i feel out of my depth on his one, but genericaly comparing the past and the present is not fruitless, but can be dangerous.  
  just think how much shit gets poured into these pages, and it keeps goin round and round to everyone's computers and all....by reading this, you are drinking out of the toilet bowl of humanity.....but it's the best damn shit out there on the web....  
  I jerk off at least 20 times a day! Hell... I'm jerking off right now!        
  I'm at my friend's sister's wedding, not mingling with the people.  Instead, I spend the whole night staring at her straight cousin, having thoughts I probably shouldn't be having about a relative of the bride.  In an attempt to be a good guy, I forego my table's chance at the buffet to talk to the bride's father, who I barely know.  We bullshit for quite a while, and I feel good about myself...until I go to get some food and see that the buffet is closed.  No food, no sex, only one glass of champagne and 6 more hours of reception.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have sleep problems, basically, I dont sleep very well, and cant get to sleep in the first place. So, I went to the doctor, and he told me that instead of giving me medication, that I shouldnt worry too much about it, and, instead, when I cant sleep, just get out of bed and do something productive, and go to sleep when I felt tired. And, now, I find myself chopping and bagging some weed while not sleeping... I see this as productive, as it stops me having to do it when I'm off my face... I can just pack and toke.  
  knew a guy once he had a girl removing his pants when she smelled his balls she looked up at him and just walked out the door  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Taking off my clothes and doubling over trying to suck my own dick. I'm not even close. I hear my back crack and I unfurl myself.  Lying naked on my back on the carpet, panting, I think "time to take up yoga."  
  Visiting a fancy estate and public gardens, down in the richest of the rich suburbs.  Mother-in-law is visiting wife, comes along for the day.  While wife and mother-in-law were inspecting choice roses, I (drunk) shat in pants.  Ooops!  Muttered that I was excusing myself to find the bathroom, and backed away.  Found bathroom, inspected damage.  Extensive.    Fortunately was wearing the only pair of underpants to my name at the time, which were used to absorb the worst of the damage and thrown into the garbage can in the restroom.  Just as one of the groundskeepers wandered in, immediately followed by another male visitor to the gardens.  Hi, fellas!  Fortunately the rich and their servants are bred to discretion, and my embarrassing little contre-temps was ignored.  Or was it?  Who knows.   Accompanied by a slightly penetrating odor, I made my escape from the men's bathroom and rejoined the tour.  "What's that smell?" "Dunno, they must be fertilizing today."  The 2.5 hour drive back was spent in silence.      
  I hit a small furry thing on the way to work today.  Coming back from lunch, I hit a crow, eating the remnants of a small furry thing.  I wonder where that puts my car in the food chain. Pretty near the top, I reckon.  
  "Yo, if you're not doing anything, let one of us get on the computer."  Thirty seconds of silence, then he turns to us and says,  "I feel like smashing a baby."  Stares and a reply,  "Ant, what the hell are you talking about?"  Another reply to Ant,  "Newborn or toddler?"  On a related note, one of the other guys is looking into selling fetuses for food down in Mexico.  
  I have my own personal Jesus.  He walks around on the corner of MLK Jr. Boulevard and 74th Avenue and gives handjobs for ten dollars.  Actually, when I said "my own personal Jesus" I meant "my mother."  
  Procrastination? I dont think so. Up until that very moment I just had better things to do.  
  there is nothing worse than making out with a girl for two hours, then having to drive a half hour to get home so you can masturbate.    
  You know some peope WrIte liKE tHIs wITh SomE LEtTerS CaPitALizEd anD SoMe LOweRcaSED?  I always look for some sort of hidden messages in them by just reading the capital letters.  I never see one.  Maybe I should start looking at the lowercased letters.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Not to say it doesnt matter.... because it does.  Especially when they laugh and tease you because your penis is 2 inches or less.  Kind of like a stump.  ... oh well.. I shall continue my life, as my master feeds me everyday.   ..and I  bark!  bark like never before at those hoes, they damn well know I'm the Jonhson's family pet.      
  I go over to my ex-wife's house and fuck her everyway I can; ass, mouth, etc. she would not go for this before we divorced.  
  If, for any reason, you can still remember the number of drinks you've had, it's time to have another.  
  I really dislike reading the lowbrow moments where someone writes a one liner explaining they made a typo on a different lowbrow moment. First of all, we are never going to remember that. Second, if we did notice, which trust me...we most likely didn't...but if by some chance we did, do you really think we'll get some sort of gratification knowing that you know that we know that you made a typo and you are now sorry you did?  Bottom line, man...nobodie fukinng caares.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My son explaining his new love interest:  son - she's, well, not like you  me - huh?  son - She has, uh, weight.  me - (trying to be diplomatic) She's a little overweight?  son - Well..  me - (still trying to be diplomatic) She's curvy?  son - YEAH!  me - OK - let's call her voluptuous.  son - YEAH!  
  in a fit of springtime-inspired shopping, my sister and i decided to head to the trendy girl store of long island, a place called bonnie's jeans, where sanrio wallets on chains sit side by side with those hair thingys that look like slinkys until they're uncoiled. at this store, i saw a shirt -- dark blue, short sleeve, greeen flowers, polyester -- that fit my cute-but-not-too-cute assessment. it was $20. but not available in my size. on the way back home we stopped at target to revel in the 89 cent snapples, and as we were walking by the womens' clothing section i noticed a shirt out of the corner of my eye -- it was that very shirt that i had not purchased in the trendy-girl store, on the same type of hanger, with the same tag dangling from the sleeve. except this tag said $12. and the shirt was available in my size. so i bought it.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  See, we thought we had found buried treasure.  Walking along the railroad tracks, we found this sort of manhole-covered pit thing, sealed up with a bicycle lock. We were convinced that some drug dealer was keeping all sorts of delights in there. So were hurried home, brought back a set of bolt cutters, and got to work.   What we found was a dry cell battery wired up to a circuit board. Frustrated and prone to vandalism anyhow, we destroyed that fucker.  So what THAT did was set off the RR crossing signals at the nearest intersection, with the lights flashing and the barriers lowered. Heh heh.  Even more heh-heh: it was a holiday weekend. Fucking thing didn't get fixed for 3 days.  
  You know someone loves you when  after having sex with you for an hour  they leave the room.   30 seconds later they return still naked with a handful of ice.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         after i had spent the last dollar that would come my way for eight days, i realized that the truck stop's coffee tasted like caffeine and piss and spic n span.  
   She was all upset about losing her bracelet. I had heard her ranting about it for sometime in the background. I was nursing a beer waiting for a friend to hook up with some girl he was dying to screw. I looked down and saw a bracelet on the floor.  I picked uit up and walked over to her and pulled the slight of hand kiddee shit like I pulling it out of her ear. She was suspicious first, like I had purposefully swiped it from her. I told her I just found it. Lots of yakkety yak later and she gave me the most wonderous head I had had to date.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           ill be 14 in 2 months. when i was 12 my mom told m i was the biggest mistake of her life. in other words a result of a bad condom.      
  It seems the only time a real diverse mix of people gather in our neighborhood and talk to oneanother is when there's been some aftermath of a traffic accident, storm, or crime in a public place, and the whole area's been roped off.          
  New Years Eve: 2000  I lay passed out on a female friends lap.  Sleeping soundly [so I am told].    The conversation turns to hair dye, and to bleaching.  People are talking about how hydrogen peroxide is safer than bleach.  I bolt up out of a dead sleep and proudly proclaim that hydrogen peroxide is water with an extra water molecule, and prmoptly pass out again.  Even in drunkeness, I am a dork. --- jon  
  I have ghetto-laughed twice in my life...  (You know you're ghetto when you can't laugh without running around the room.)  First time: I was sssssssstoned watching the Black Hole with some friends. At one point in the movie, a bunch of people were in an elevator (I think) and this giant robot just spun counter-clockwise until it was upside down. Not sure why but I howled like a banshee as I stumbled around the livingroom.  Second time: Me, my sister and my roommate ssssssstoned, sitting in the parking lot of a drive-in burger joint in Lexington, KY. My roommate busts a smart-assed Steve Buscemi impression right in the middle of a conversation we're having. Something like, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever, daddy-o." It sounded like Buscemi was actually in the fucking back seat of the car. I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out as I lept from the car and worked to steady myself.  Why in the world would anyone have a problem with a substance that makes you laugh that hard at the stupidest shit?  
  "theres nothing wrong with being racist" he said almost proudly as his face began to get red. "as long as you do dont practice it... Im only racist at home" He looked down, Reliezing how ashamed he really should be. I just stared in shock at the asain girl next to him.        
  To the guy who gets off to the picture of the "chic" in sunglasses.....   Long hair and sunglasses do not a female make>:) happy masturbating!!  
  When I was little I'd save pee in used up Ninja Turtles shampoo containers. I managed to save up quite a few before they were discovered.  When confronted and asked why I was saving said bodily secretions, I explained that I was preparing to wage a stink war with the old lady who lived next door.  God that would have been cool...she would never have seen it coming  
  Who do I have to fuck around here to lose my virginity?  
   Taking a glance around the room, my eyes fell upon the upturned bottle of Mexican beer.  All i could see of his face was the underside of shin and with a backdrop of light, curly hair. He continued to hold the bottle to his mouth until the entire bottle was emptied, glug, glug down his throat.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Wouldn't it be great if the world was so relaxed about sex and the like, that it would be perfectly acceptable, even a compliment, to start playing with yourself on a date?  You know, just unzip, pull it out (or put your hand in) and start stroking...  Instead, they just look at you funny and pick up their cell phone, leaving you to question whether they're calling a cab or the cops.  
  My boyfriend said to me the other day:  It's not that you're an inherently nerdy person.  You just dress nerdy.   Me: (blank stare)  Him:  Um...  (silence)  Him:  What I mean is, you're like Weezer.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went on spring break with some friends. I slept with one of the guys 5 times in 3 days. turns out hes my boyfriends best friend. To tell or not to tell....not.   
  The wife was out of town, so I had spent the previous night boozing it up.  I woke and proceeded naked into the kitchen, to get me a non-alcholic refreshment to quench my dehydrated state.  Halfway to the fridge I had the the sudden urge to fart.  Ah well, let it fly, son.  A terrible mistake.  A thin greasy spout of shit exited my anus at a high speed to impact on the tiled kitchen floor.  The sickening splat of it.  An old man once told me, "Never trust a fart."  Live by these words, I tell you.  Never forget them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Am I in love, or just addicted to the attention? Does it matter?  
  It was at Wal-Mart. A couple of friends and I went there really late at night. One of them had to buy a dress because they had a wedding coming up.   She picked one out, but when she went back to the dressing room, she discovered that it is closed after 11:00. So she went to the back of the little hallway where the doors to the locked dressing room stalls are, and I stood watch as she tried the dress on there.  As we were leaving Wal-Mart, that's when we noticed the hidden camera pointed directly over the dressing room hall.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         5th grade "junior police" nazi. You know hold a flag at the crosswalk and patrol the halls for "violations".   Unfortunate 2nd grade class whose teacher has been called away. the laughing was too much.  We "jackboot" the door in and enforce "disipline". You nose on the blackboard, did I hear someone speak out of turn? don't make us get angry.  Turns out we "overstepped" our boundries and had to give up our belts.  I never looked at authority the same.   
  I just read a moment somebody talked about their "Muppets in Space" lunch box from 1st grade. That movie only came out 3 years ago.  Are there 4th graders posting on Lowbrow?  Or is somebody getting "Muppets in Space" confused with "Pigs in Space" from "The Muppet Show"?  OR! Am I just a nerdy purist who needs to stop smoking weed and going on Lowbrow at 7:30 am?  
  Heh. Know those Crest automatic toothbrushes? The ones you can either hold down the button to operate it manually, or you can click the button down so it spins on its own? ... Well, I'm a big fan of dental hygiene and I carry one  of those Crest brushes and a big tube of toothpaste in my backpack when I'm at school [I commute].   I was in my composition class today when suddenly my backpack began to vibrate and purr/hum really LOUD. It was most definately too spastic to be a cellphone, so ppl are looking at me like I have a vibrator in my bag. Ha ha! I said, "Shoot! Did that thing turn on!" nonchalantly. My male teacher was blushing RED as I reached into my bookbag and slowly pulled out... my toothbrush. I've never seen so many disappointed looks all in one room before.   
   Hudson River Tales #16 The African Queen  Being Scottish, I was thrifty with my money, of course, but also with the company's money. Driving our hotrod 21' Boston Whaler up and down the river at 30 knots was a total ball, but I felt bad about all the gas we were using. So I would hitch a ride on the "African Queen" every chance I got. The "African Queen" was a big cruise ship that did fast daily runs from Manhattan to Bear Mountain and back. It got its nasty nickname because of the ... eh ... large number of blacks who would take the trip. But hitch-hiking? Easy -- just run close alongside, get up on the forward edge of the enormous bow wave, feather the big outboards, and surf along for free. Problem was: first day we tried it, we quickly got pelted with corn-cobs and (I am not making this up) watermelon. When we caught them on the return trip, we were ready. As soon as the first corn-cob was fired across our bow, we loaded up a big, bungee-cord slingshot with  really  rotten fish, and let fly. Took us two or three tries to get the range down, but the resulting screams were delicious. The slingshot was SO effective that we never needed to use it again (dammit), even though the passengers were never the same from day to day...   
  Drunk at a frat party, I say to the girl going down on the bi fat dude sitting next to me on the couch: "You call THAT a blowjob?!"  He looks at me, raises an eyebrow and hands me a beer.  God, I wish I'd keep my mouth shut sometimes.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Hi there", she says. "I'm Kelly."  I look over from where I'm buying a drink to smile at her. "I'm Adam, hi how are you going".  This never happens to me you see. A nice looking girl gives me more than a 'you wish' look in a bar, anyway.  "Great, wanna buy me a drink?"  I look at her, a little cautious. I'd love to have her company for a while, sit sipping a drink, make her laugh. Maybe she'll realise I'm a nice guy, not just some fucker trying to get laid.  "Sure, what would you like".  "A beer'd be great"  I smile my approval, a pretty, confident chick who sees something in me AND isn't into girly mixed drinks.  I hand her a frosty pint and our glasses touch with a clink.  "Thanks sweety" she smiles and turns away.  I doubletake, not sure what she's doing, but still hoping she's looking for a table for us to sit at, smoke cigarettes, solve world problems.  She walks the room and then sits down opposite a young fellow, sliding the beer across to him.  Piece of cake I see her say as he takes a long pull at the ale.  
  i turned my therapist on to the brow "some of those are about me, aren't they" was all she said  
  when i was 15, we were working together, and he said: "once you fuck a bitch in the ass, you'll never wanna put it in a pussy again." at the time, i was in awe of his experience... but now i'm the one who's been around... and i still prefer the pussy .  
  Apparently, gone are the days that returning home from a night of drinking with a bloody nose and without your Visa card will impress your wife.  
  Even when it's snorted off a skanky bathroom floor at a giant amusement park, cocaine is still cocaine.  
  "Sorry I'm late," our regular taxi driver said as he passed back  unopened bottles of vodka and orange juice. "Figured you ladies might want a little somthing for the drive."  
  maybe its the kid six year old thing waiting for the snow to come and bury the ugly grey with a fresh coat of virginal white its just a mindgame fakeout as if the snow could ever be equal to the newgrowth of the much needed spring it cant besides when i was six i was playing pong on my coleco vision        
  So, one chilly Wednesday morning, I walk down to the bagel shop up the street for a breakfast sandwich.  Before I left, I threw in a load of laundry... that had all my jeans in it.  Now, it wasn't that cold, so I figured "what the hell" and walked out into the 35 degree morning wearing a pair of shorts.  On my way back, a bag of eggy goodness in my hand, the kids at the parochial school behind my apartment complex saw me coming and one of the little angels decided he was going to play silly buggers with me.    "Hey mister!  Why are you wearing shorts?  Are you stupid or something? It's freezing out here!"  His friends giggled amongst themselves at the wit and daring of their little Dilinger.  Without even really thinking about it, my mouth opened and the words "Because your Mom still has my pants!  Tell her to get em back to me when she's done, ok?"  The kids turned on the kid like a pack of jackals until he began to whine.  I *almost* felt bad.    Most people know not to fuck with me until after my breakfast sandwich...   
  i wrote down the number of the payphone at wal-mart here in this shit town. every once in a while i call it on my cell phone, just for kicks.  
  We were in Santa Barbara.  We drank too much.    There were cockroaches in the rooms.  We captured one.  We named it and we took it back north with us.  What the hell was in that beer, anyway?       
  Overheard at the local pub whilst sipping a cold brew:  My life is a Penthouse Forum letter just waiting to happen.  
  I realized recently that I can see the reflection of my asshole in the toilet water as I shit.  It's disgusting, but I can't help but watch.  
  Reading about all of this "what would jesus do" bullshit reminds me of something that a friend said to me once.   As we were walking out of the neighborhood QuickyMart with some smokes and porn a 30 something lady grabs the mags and tosses them into the dumpster beside the store. Predictably she gives us a warm christian smile and gives us the line.   So he says: "Just because Jesus wouldn't do it doesn't make it illegal you dumbass bitch."  His comment turned that smile upside down I am happy to say.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ok so we had to move departments recently, now our nearest toilets have huge mirrors on the wall, now this is a double edged sword...  1. Your dick looks bigger when you piss  but...  2. you really dont want to see your ass as you wipe the shit off it !!  damn company !!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A moment I'm going to treasure once it's over:  We were outside, at work, he was having a ciggie, trying to ignore the intense attraction we had and I'm talking, enjoying the moment, enjoying simply being with him, inconsequential shit while he finishes off his cigarette...my mind half on this little dance we were doing, every step getting us closer to each other without anyone else noticing...  I see him shaking. It's warm, but I ask him if he's cold. He says no.  Later he tells me that while I was talking he got this incredible hard on and it was all he could do NOT to take my hand and put it on his pants, and that's why he was shaking, the compulsion was *that* strong.  Do you have *any* idea what that knowledge does to a girl?  gaaaaaaaaaaaah.....    
  I've been noticing that an alarmingly high (scuse the pun) number of people say something about "using pot", whether they "use" it on a regular basis, will never "use" it again, the first time I "used" pot, ad nauseum.  I just want to clear the air (scuse the pun) and let everybody know...  YOU DO NOT USE POT!!  YOU SMOKE IT!!  Things in your life you use:  Heroin Coke Crack Ecstacy Tools (ie: screwdrivers, wrenches, etc.) Condoms Your girl/boyfriend Your family Your girl/boyfriend's family Drunk chicks   Things in your life you smoke, rather than use:  Cigarettes Banana peels Weed/grass/pot/dank/smoke/herb/green/ chiva/icky sticky/kindbud/izz/indo/ chronic/whatever else you want to call it.  While these lists are not all-inclusive, you get the idea.  
  In Scotland there's quite a few "joke" universities, probably the equivalant to community colleges in the states but pretending to be on par with "real" universities.  Many people would accuse this as snobbery, but it tends to be the case that these universities really do offer terribly below par facilties etc.  Anyway, there's on in particular called Glasgow Caledonian.  It's ranked 3rd worst overall in the UK, or Scotland, I can't remember, according to The Times university guide.   One of my friends applied because he didn't do so well at school, jokes aside, fair enough I thought. He wanted to do a computer science course of some kind.  He didn't like being made fun of.  He wrote to them and asked them what the entrance requirements were.  The reply:  "Windows 95"   He didn't go.  
  I spent sooo long reading lowbrow at work today that I had pretend I was still working.  So what I did was retype the words as I read lowbrow to make is seem like I was still working.  Low enough for ya.  
  I'm sitting there reading the posts, and get the urge for a cigarette.  Go out to the car to get my pack, come back and can't find an ash tray.  We've just moved into our new apartment, and don't have everything unpacked.  I start digging trough boxes.  Five minutes later, the best I can find is a candle.  Set down the candle, go to light up, can't find the cigarettes I just laid down five minutes ago.  Spend another five minutes looking for the cigarettes.  Finally find them, lighter runs out after I light the candle.  It's only 7:30.  This is going to be a long day.  
  I remember when I was young, we didn't have none of this fancy-schmancy  electronic  lowbrow.com shit. We still had one of those old, broken down, mechanical lowbrow.coms down in the garage... It smelled kinda like cat piss.  
  "I usually don't buy girls drinks, but I'm a sucker for a pretty face."  "If I were you, I wouldn't go around braggin' about how cheap I am."  "I'm not braggin', just sayin'... So, d'you want a beer?" His speech is sludgy.  Beers were on special for $1. "I don't do beer."  "What *do* you drink?"  "Rum and coke."  "Mixed drinks are expensive!"  I shrug.  The bartender comes up. Looks expectant.  He pauses uncertainly. Be cheap? Or give in to embarassment?   I jump in. "I'll have a rum & coke."  Walled in by my presumption, he hands the bartender the money.  I walk off. That conversation was all he ever got out of me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why as a society are we so proud by the quantity of liquor we can drink? If you can put down 12 beers, you're more of a man than can put down 10.  But why?  Basically if you're a "light weight" it only means you can get your buzz faster, and cost less money.  I remember my days in the fraternity, always competing to see who could down the most beers. Those contests ended with more than a few guys passed out on the floor.  Such a waste of good beer. Not to mention brain cells.  
  I bought a vary analcentric DVD porn off the internet the other day.   Catch #1 I was in the office.  Catch #2 I work in a courthouse.  
     Ya know that the world has changed when your "little" brother tells you that he "got lucky" on a first date last wk.     
  To the fcking neighbors friend that only come's over after were asleep.  Turn off your bass on your stereo or maybe your car won't be able to turn on at all next time!!         
  I saw 28 Days Later for the 2nd time last night.  The 2nd time was so much better than the first...njot because of the movie though, but because of a mentally handicapped guy sitting behind my friends and myself.  Throughout the movie he commented and just generally shouted out a random word every 5 minutes.   At the kissing scene he said in the loudest strangest voice "Ohhh YEAhhh" and then I head a ZIPPPP sound...I was literally too scared to look behind me.  Later he just started randomly farting...I was laughing so hard, man everyone around us kept looking back to try figuring out whats so funny.  
  she pushed me outta the way and started typing fury and tomcat and gumemergency and the penguin boy and the lowbrow keepers ought to email each other and have a drink in las vegas in some cheezy bar off the strip interesting idea said i but why would you wanna mess with a good thing           
  some words are cool, cause the way they sound sorta ties into the meaning of the word itself...like "revolution", it sounds all loud, and angry, full of revolutionary potential....or "chronic", just a great word too.  but "crack".  what the hell is that?  its a super-hard drug, most addictive thing ever, or whatever, cause it makes you feel so damn good, but the name doesnt tie in to how good it makes you feel, or how damn dnagerous it is to fuck with, it ties into the sidewalk undre the feet of the dude who sold it to you.  splain me that....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How do jingle singers manage to put so much emotion into a damn jingle?  Can "Always Coca-Cola" really be that inspirational?      
  Benno Traut was nearly an American. He had lived in this country long enough to learn the buzzwords and favorite phrases of the dynamic entrepreneurial class - the segment of America that he had decided, even in Germany, to make his own. He transformed himself, over the five year period since his decision, from an intense, long-haired, bearded European pseudo-intellectual into the smiling, clean-faced, upwardly mobile and charmingly accented member of the Chamber of Commerce of Pompano Beach. The ladies laughed at his anecdotes and were aroused secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) by his simmering sexuality. The men took him on golf trips and slapped his back in bar rooms, liked to be near him and to be considered his friend. He was invited to all the parties and meetings and fund raisers, and his future worth was an exponential product of his present value. But in fleeting moments at pool side, and during reflective interludes after countless afternoon liaisons at luxurious Miami hotels, his pale blue eyes would freeze and gaze fixedly into the past, and his boyishly handsome face would mutate into a frightening, almost bizarre caricature of himself. It never lasted long, and few others ever noticed. But those who did shuddered and backed away, and wondered what demons might be locked inside the mind of Benno Traut        
  My friends were doing a test today where they had two bottles of CocaCola, but one of them had a Pepsi wrapper on (drank all the pepsi, poured in Coke).  They then gave blind taste tests to see which one people liked better, and then took off the paper to reveal the wrappers, to see if the brand name influenced consumers taste.  I thought it would be a great idea to pee in the Pepsi bottle.  When it proved that people chose Pepsi over Coke, even with my piss in it, you could send the results to PepsiCo and tell them to use it as their new ad campaign.  "Even with piss in it, people still prefer Pepsi over CocaCola."  
  hint when its a bunch of guys drinking for sport its a kamikhazi when its a date at a nice restaurant its a cosmopolitan but kiss my ass if the effects arent the same           
  You know how piss isn't a single stream, but two smaller streams held together by water tension or some physics bullshit?  Well sometimes my two streams don't quite fit together and piss goes off in two directions.  I just pissed on my foot, and I was aiming for the toilet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "She's really going to like this" I though as I buzzed the offending hair off my scrotum. "Hrmm, this feels kind of nice" I thought, "but where the hell is the blood coming from ?!" A tiny fold of nut-sack skin got caught in the clipper's blades. Damn, that's not sexy.  
  In a bus stop in Baltimore, a homeless man walked up to me and asked if I had any change. I reached in my pocket and pulled out about 73 cents and gave it to him. He replied with "Thats all you are going to give me?" I retorted with "If You had asked me for a dollar, I would have probably given you a dollar, but you asked for some change and I gave you change, Besides beggars can't be choosers." he looked at me with an odd look for about 20 seconds and then walked off.  
  The Myth of Sisyphus:  In return for posting an empty Lowbrow moment, TJAY and Tyger damned Sisyphus to an eternity of clicking "Another Moment" and eternally receiving only the God-awful submissions of pjaffe@mindspring.com. Sisyphus would never again look upon the light of day, only the depressing, poorly written comments of pjaffe@mindspring.com.  You've gotta pity that Sisyphus fellow.  
  My band just spent like 30 mins practicing the jump for the guitar and bassist at the beginning of the song.  ...needless to say, we have yet to get a gig  
  Miss Arkil said,  " Too often, we loose sight of life's simple pleasures.   Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown ...  ... BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head! "  You go, girl  ;-)  
  Grocery clerk entry #2:  Me: Up on a stepladder, pricing and stacking cans, store name silkscreened onto my shirt, nametag pinned onto my shirt just above the store name, pricing gun in my right hand, box cutter in my left, utility pouch hanging from my waist. Her:  Excuse me, do you work here?  
  i argued that men and women can be just friends.   then i learned that my best friend stole a pair of my panties. he doesn't know i know. i'm not embarrassed. actually it kind of turns me on.  
  the co-worker email trauma continues:  me (via email): just dont tell me bout the time something got stuck in your ass and we will be ok  his reply: it didn't get stuck but I bonded with a candle and a condom one idle afternoon  there is a reason i think all tech support people are on drugs...  
  I was in the ghetto Kroger doing some last minute shopping before the high holy drinking days in Savannah began. In front of me in line was a woman of considerable girth, atleast 500lbs, about 5'8".  She had one child in her arms and one flung over her shoulder (who didn't stop smiling at me the entire time and saying "hello...hello...") and one child on the ground screaming. the woman had 3 inch long neon orange finger nails and a hair weave that trailed down to her non-existant waist. She had on a pair of old flip-flops and dirty pastel blue sweat pants with a hole at the knee...and a dark blue t-shirt advertising a resturant "Sonic" who's slogan is "You gotta eat!" I'm wondering if she started off with more children but had been snacking on them and these were just the ones left over. "...hello...hello....hello...hello..."  
  someone pressed the intercom outside the front window today and shouted something we couldn't hear. they dropped the bottle they had just sucked dry and it smashed onto the front step. i don't think they liked waiting to get numb getting numb outside in the cold.        
  Overheard while shopping at Wal*Mart [I was near the birth control aisle looking at vitamins]:   "Baby, why don't we try the new Trojans?"   "Oh yeah! They even make them for really big dicks now."  "Yeah, I bet it would fit nice over your head."   "Heh, I know I'm hung like a horse."  "Not that head, baby."   When he saw I had overheard, I simply shook my bottle of Vitamin C and laughed. Nothing stings more than getting dissed in the birth control aisle of Wal*Mart.      
  When pedigree markets beef chunks in a thick, brown sauce, it's dog food.  When Campbells does it and adds potatoes, it's called "chunky soup." Oh, and on its way out, it looks and smelles just like dog shit, too. Just so you know.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once I was in gym class and this guy came up and de-pantsed me in front of the whole class.  I felt sort of silly, as little kids are wont to do.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I dont know why but it pisses me off so much when people compleatly freeze when they are going to the bathroom and someone enters.  It is not like they are going to take some sick pleasure in the sound of your shit dropping.  Honestly.  
  "Yes I love him mom. More than words can say. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't love him"  Of course I didn't tell her that he's the kinkiest son of a bitch i've ever met. I mean that is definitely one of his major selling points but somehow I don't think she would have appreciated that half as much as I do.  
  I'm in college and I honest to God still pick my nose and eat my boogers.I seriously don't know if I'll ever be able to break myself of this habit.  Actually, I really like it.  This scares me.  I'm just afraid that one day, somebody is going to bust me when I'm diggin' for the gold.  
  A girl I was talking to was describing her escapades in shaving her legs. She was shaving away one day after school when a bottle of shampoo slipped off one of those little shelves near the top of the wall. It hit her arm and she made a nasty gash on her leg. She said so much blood was gushing out she was afraid she'd cut her femoral artery. After she finished her story, several other girls piped in with, "yeah, something like that happened to me too."  Jesus fucking christ. Thank god I'm a guy.  
  started an internet business got a top line server learned html and how to edit gifs and jpegs crammed hours into the business proposal and got a honking loan all that was fun now i dont want to deal with it now that the chase is over        
  My has always refused to give me a blow-job. Her choice, fine. It didn't seem like such a big deal at the time, but after seven years its starting to piss me off.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend's lowbrow:  After I sent him the URL to the site, he said, "Why is there a whole website just for one phrase?"  
  I've come to the realization that I just randomly cavort around the 'net, moving from place to place from a favorites list.  I guess this makes sense, but then I realized, I go to a LOT of places right after reading the 'Brow, and those places almost certainly track referrer IDs.  So, most of the weblogs or university sites or official places I visit now have "lowbrow.com" in their lists, and it's just a matter of time until my name gets attached to it.  Which is also fine, until someone comes back over here and finds the one about the poo in the bed.  That's going to lose me a job someday.  
  Ever been on one of those REALLY long steep water slides?  The ones that go about 3 stories up, and slant at about 45degrees?  Pay attention to the signs that tell you to keep your feet tightly crossed.  I didn't cross mine tightly enough, and ended up with about a litre of water being shot up my ass when i got to the bottom.  Damn hurt too!! Nothing like the feeling of it trickling out for the next half hour.  eek. Not pleasant.  Same holiday - different waterslide, lost half my bikini top, ending out with one tit hanging out. BIG crowd of people.  NOT my weekend!  
  Sunday morning, my dad's house. He had left me (17 yrs old) in charge of the house while it was being sold.  There's a knock at the door. Too tired to check who it is, I open it.  A hot chick - SCORE!  Holding Jehovah's Witness pamphlets - DOH!  I'm looking all sexy in just boxers - SCORE!  But it's the middle of winter and very cold - DOH!  I stand in the doorway and listen to her preach to me while staring at her tits - DOH/SCORE!  I invite her in, telling her "it's cold out - let's talk some more", she bites - SCORE!  I don't score, but I'm forced to listen to her talk for another 45min while my erection becomes unconfortably unmanageable. - DOH!  If there is a God, I'm going to hell for sure. I'll see you all there.  
   There I was, opening the door to the garage. The sound of rats knawing on rubber bands filled the cement four walled world. I slowly reached for the light switch and flick, on it went. There they were, five midgets nibbling on my brand new GoodYear tires! I calmly invited them in for tea and crumpets, made them do a little dance at gunpoint and then blew one of there little big heads off. The rest I forced to disrobe and run down the street for everyone to see. No one messes with my tires!  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Driving With Dave #2  Double date with Dave and his NEW girlfriend, my girl and I are in the backseat. His girl has been giving him hell about his driving for the past ten minutes. On a long, straight stretch of road, he yanks on the steering wheel. It comes off of the column. He hands it to her and says, "Fine! You wanna drive?!" The screaming and blind panic that ensued were too hilarious. Dave popped the steering wheel back on the column and the rest of the ride was in silence.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i think i'm going to name my first male child "yourmom"  i can see the playground scene now... "what's your name?" "yourmom!" "shut your mouth!" it'll prolly warp him, but i'm hoping it'll make him a tough little fucker  
  4 years working as a valet parking attendant teaches you a few things. Namely, be nice to the people who have keys to your car when you're not around.  Once a man and a woman pull into the lot.  Management of the establishment say EVERYONE HAS TO VALET or they park in a lot real far away.  The lady driver is vehemently refusing to let me park her piece of shit geo metro, I tell her  sorry, it's the management's rules, not mine, if you want to park yourself you have to park in the lot way over there.  Her man in the car starts yelling at me and telling me not to talk to her.  She drives away and parks herself in a space.  Hey, no problem lady, no problem.  I wonder how much she hated the smell in her car after I poured the entire contents of my bladder into her vents. It was a sight to behold, me standing on her hood, pissing in the vents as my fellow valets cheered me on.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My ex-wife has been spouting this fantasy of hers for the last 15 years (to people that didn't know her in High School) that she's from England.  She starts drinking and talks with a totally fake accent and starts crying about her "dead husband" and "dead brother" and "dead babies" (anyone else seeing a pattern here?) and tries to get guys to feel sorry for her and then marry her so she can sit on her fat ass and do nothing for the rest of her life.  Well, she's a total liar, severely whacked and needs to seek therapy and strong medication.    I'm going to bring her high-school year book to the custody hearing and show the judge what a complete and total psycho you are, so be ready to lose.  
  You know how when it's cold you can see your breath?  It was cold today and I had gas.  Can you see that?        
  Walking through the mall today a little 3 year old girl trying to catch up to her mother tripped over my foot and fell flat on her face.  I stopped for a second and considered my options.  I decided it would be best to look straight ahead and keep on walking.  Not my problem.  
                                                   One day I asked my wife if maybe we should sell everthing,  buy an RV and head out. Then I asked her how far she thought we would get before we killed each other.  She said "about the 5 mile marker"  Note:  This is not as funny in print as it was when it was said.  
  going to ''pub night'' at college and coming home with an extra pack of smokes, a brand i didn't smoke, that had a lighter in it and 5-1/2 smokes, and me with no idea how it got there.  the lowbrow moment?   i've avoided going to pub night since then, in fear that someone will recognize me and beat the living shit out of me for punking their smokes.  
  I like that there seems to be a whole group of people here whose first thought, upon getting caught cheating on a loved one, or getting arrested, or destroying personal property, is not "Oh, shit" but "I have something to post!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once my friend Dave was living in Scotland, he had very lttle money being a student, which didn't really fit with his high tolerance for imbibing alcoholic beverages. He's not a dipso or anything he just likes to drink. Anyway he had spent the last few pounds of his weekly pittance on a cheap bottle of red wine. When he was opening the bottle, it broke and the wine went on the floor. This was to be his last drink for a few days... Not to be outdone Dave mopped up the wine with a cloth and squeezed it out into a pot. Feeling that this maybe wasn't such a healthy choice as there would probably be small shards of glass in the wine, he filtered it through a woolly sock before he drank it. Reckons he recovered 95% of the wine.  You probably reckon I don't have a friend called Dave...   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have long hair.  But how the hell does it end up in my ass crack!?  And sometimes, I get this one long hair wrapped around the folds of my dick.  A thin strand of hair REALLY hurts if you don't slowly search for its origin.  Why does that happen?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There is a little Indian foreign exchange student who lives down the hall from me in my dorm. He had a physics project in which he had to build a flying model aeroplane.  He loved that plane very much, and he hung it in his window sill after the project was completed.  So one night we snuck into his room and stole it. We then flew it from the parking structure (8 stories) outside of our dorms.  I wonder what kind of grade this kid got, because that plane didnt fly very well at all.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There used to be a bum by the name of WILLIE that mainly hung out in the neighboorhood.  When you would walk by he would yell out "GIMME A DOLLLAR" with a very deep emphasis on "OOLLAR". IT was a demand rather than a request, conveyed with such conviction that he created quiet a little niche of contributors to fund his vices.  When he was inable to move along by himself.. the police would snap on rubber gloves and tell him, "Willie, wake up Willie, you can't sleep here Willie."   WILLIE AN ALCOHOLIC AND HEROIN ADDICT,   WILLIE WAS H.I.V. POSITIVE,   WILLIE USED TO TEACH QUANTUM PHYSICS AT A LARGE AND REPUTABLE UNIVERSITY IN MONTREAL.  
  I've heard all guys say they remember thier first blow job, well, I hope they don't, for a few reasons.  1. JAMES- I was dating his friend, so John (the guy I was dating) asked me to give James head. just to calm him down a bit, make him a better person, well, I was in a good mood, so I did, he lasted all of 2 mins, but I felt like a major slut afterwards. 2. I hope that you guys never have some big meeting about the first blow job you've ever gotten, because alot of them would bring my name up...eeek.  
  Getting drunk with my friends from the army has to be one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend.  On this particular weekend we headed off to the sticks, and got really smashed.  Of course being army guys they had to bring some kind of entertainment, in this case it was tracer rounds.  So we proceeded to make a big fire, and soon enough those tracer rounds were in that fire.  The next thing I hear is my buddy Carlos, "Im Hit!" We all were laughing of course thinking it was a joke. Then we saw the blood gushing from his hand... thank god for alcohol.  
  When Ameritec calls me...telling me to switch my longdistance service...in much the same way that AT&T does....I think it best to tell them "Sorry guy, I don't own a phone."  
  I was cleaning some old ladies cache and cookies out.  Halfway through the five minute cache delete [yes, five minutes!] she acted really startled.  I can only say I was glad it was over the phone.  "YOU AREN'T DELETING THE PICTURES OF ALL MY MEN, ARE YOU?!" she screetched out.  "Uhm...  n...  no!" I was able to respond after quickly dealing with the shock and horror.  She then went on to talk about all of her "handsome" and "sexy" men.  Stupid me.  I figured it would be a wise idea to ask how old she was.  "70".  I fixed her problem, she could get on the net easily again, and everything was working okay.  After hanging up, and starting to code the case, I looked at the first four words I had typed out:  "Cleared cache and cookies".  I suddenly wanted to vomit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One night, I was driving my car at a very high rate of speed in a very reckless manner. I flew around a corner at around 80 miles per hour when suddenly, a minivan pulled out right in front of me. I was headed straight for it! Fortunatly the woman who was driving the vehicle had the foresight to put a "Baby On Board" sign in the rear window thus avoiding a major collision. Whew!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My great software company just laid me off, after fifteen months of me disabled, and them paying my $600+ monthly medical insurance without bitching. Great company. But I was late for the meeting, because I spent an hour crawling around the floor looking for spare change, then drove to a gas station, put exactly 71 cents of gas in, and got there 20 minutes late. After he laid me off (which was a surprise to me), my manager asked if I had any more questions. Me: "Just one: Can I bum $1 for gas so I can get home?" He and the accountant laughed. I didn't, and kept looking at him. He finally realized I was serious. He handed me $1, looking pissed. Americans sure take their money seriously...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I have a friend who used to be a lifeguard up North.  Whenever she was hung over and didn't want to work, she would shit in the pool.  If you shit in the pool apparently, the pool gets shut down for one day.  I just see her, squatting over the edge of the pool, holding her head and smiling wryly as the largest turd comes out of her ass and she hears the plop at the same time the cold, chlorinated water splashes her anus.  It's not the only disgusting thing she has done with her own feces.  It's not scat, but I would never do it.  
  Pop Rocks don't just work in your mouth.  And your mom freaks out on the purple stain in your panties.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I was driving down the road today, a woman flashed her lights at me to warn me of a cop hiding behind the trees further down the road.  At that moment I was overcome with a love for humanity.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         then he said id fucking grab the hardest thing i could find and wail the backside of his head till he ostrich planted his fat fucking face into the ground and then id use his exposed bloated ass like a bike rack ah imagery  
  Does anyone remember Quaaludes? Any and all events following three beers with a 'lude surely constitute a series of  lowbrow moments....       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met some guy who worked at the local movie theater.  He was ugly but I didn't care, not at all.  So I took him back to my car to fuck but he couldn't get it up.  He apologized... There's nothing worse for your ego than an butt ugly guy that's not attracted to you enough to fuck you...  
  I am currently attending corporate training in a hole in the wall in SoCAl while reading about the crisis that are happening at work.  Faced with the need to take an explosive dump, I visit the nearby loo.  Not something I do by choice, but given the fact that such an opportunity will not present itself for another 7-8 hours, well, you get the drift.  So I take said dump and am in the process of cleaning up when I see that someone has thoughtfully placed two, count-em, two cans of Glade Air Freshener nearby.  One Power Fresh, One Citris Fresh.  I reflected that the advance of human technology is such that I can now choose whether to let people think my excrement smells like power or oranges.  I won't leave you in suspense, I chose Oranges.  
  Some couples celebrate April 20 as the male counterpart to February 14.  It's called Steak and Blowjob Day.  Well so my gf is a vegan, and while being with her, I had become one almsot by default.  So, last year, I only got half the deal on that day.  Anyway, she gave me said blowjob in my room that evening, and got me off.  I'd never cum in her mouth before, so I remarked that I was forced to be vegan on this day, and she didn't even have to be.  She smiled at me like this was the funniest thing in the world and gave me a big, wet kiss.  I was in that sleepy post-cum state after a nice long blow, so it took me a bit to realize what she was doing. "There" she said, "is that fairer?" I don't understand why you girls complain so much.  It's not that bad.  
  I notice my cat is walking around the house, collapsing to the floor every few steps and licking his butt furiously. When I look at him, I realize he has a massive, dark blue, shit-stained shoelace hanging from his ass.  I grab a paper towel. He sees me coming and runs. I grab the end of the string, and he keeps running. The thing pulls out. At the end is a giant knot coated in a fine layer of cat shit.  Just out of curiosity, I measure it before I throw it away. Ten inches long.  Not bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Soy milk? SOY MILK???  I didn't know beans have tits!  Ahh... thank you student theatre.  Good shit.  
  The girl is wearing a set of jeans so low-cut in the front that it's obvious she's either shaved down there or very neatly trimmed.  She's eating potato chips and slowly, deliberately licking the salt off her fingers.  She's wearing a shirt that says "EAT ME."  She can't be more than fifteen years old.  Classy.  My friend looks at her, looks at me, and opens his mouth to speak.  "No," I say before he can even get started.  
   The Ultimate Cure For Pick-up Artists   Last night, I am chatting with a  acquaintance.  She is the only real jaw-dropper in the bar, so guys are orbiting around.  One takes her on. He must think I'm a wimp, because I just sit back and sip my Guinness.  I'm just waiting for her to show him her birth control.  Sure enough, she eventually opens her purse and pulls out a whole sheaf, hands him a sample.  Within 20 seconds, he breaks off and walks away. As he walks, he crumples the "What Would Jesus Do" tract into a ball.  
  went to gosford park last night, at 1035 at amc arrowhead. becky really wanted to see it for months, but it was a huge disappointment, she said. murder mystery, and it took 1.5 hours for someone to get murdered. then they never really say who did it. 3 hours after we went in, we come out to find beckys car egged. security dude who had been there 3 years says thats only the second time its ever happened that hes heard of. probably because her license plate is WICAGRL. egg yolk is a bitch to clean off 24 hours later.  damned angry christian youth.  
  If you are a fatass, ghetto, megabass stereo-owning bitch, never ever go off and leave your laundry while I still draw breath.  Otherwise, you will discover the joys of retrieving your puptent-sized granny panties from the roof of your house.  Not to mention seeing the homeless guy at the traffic light washing random car windshield with a couple pair.    
  A waitress called me over to the service bar and said,"Have you seen the way those two guys are falling all over those girls at the rail?" I thought for a moment before saying,"Yeah, but I just don't care."   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  i was at work at a janitiorial type job a while back, and i was taking out the trash. well it was one of those garbage cans where you step on the little poedal to open it. well on my stupidity i pushed sgepped on the pedal the same time i bent over to pick up the bag, seriously smashing my head into the metal. i had to sit down for awhile, the pain was so great and i was laughing so hard.  did you picture this? if you haven't, do so now and you'll laugh with me.  haley  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It's actually like a challenging scavenger hunt to find quality pornography for free on the net.  Hours and hours...        
  No matter how educated, well-read, how much of an erudite motherfucker you may be, the second you smoke pot out of a Coke-can bong, then you, my friend, are ghetto. Vive le brow.  
  It took a lot of practice, but I did it.  I finally learned how to make my mouth do that "WooWooWooWooWoo" thing that Curly from the Three Stooges did.  For when all is lost, and I make a complete ass of myself with no hope of redemption- I can run out the door or flail my limbs in a manic fashion, topped off with one of the most ridiculous noises a person can consciously make.  Won't redeem me one bit, but I'll be damned if I'm not going out without a bang.     
  I discovered that writing in a public place with your weiner out really brings out the creativity within onesself.  The ride in the police car is fun too.   
  I am taking my bottles out to the end of the hall, where recycling bins lie. My door is left open, as the volume of bottles is far too much to carry in one hand.   I fill up my arms with three twelve bottle capacity boxes, stacked to my chin. I hear keys jingling to my left. I walk anyway. As I step out of my door, I nearly run into five giggly girls walking to their new apartment at the end of the hallway. I stop in my doorway, half-naked, carrying 36 empties, startling them and giving them full view of my shit-hole apartment. One of them looks at me and says "Hi!" The group walks on to their room. As I walk past, the door shuts and I hear a very loud, very shocked "Oh my GOD!"   Welcome to the Neighborhood.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         LaDonna was sitting on the kitchen counter of my apartment, dangling her tan, lithe legs while I chopped fresh vegetables for dinner.  I sprayed some Simple Green onto the stovetop to clear away some grease.  "What's that?" she asked.  "It's the best grease cutter I know of. And it is completely safe and biodegradable." With that, I squirted some in my mouth and swallowed it. It was tangy, but not bad.  That night, we enjoyed the best, ligering fuck of our ten day love affair.        
  I remember when I was in like fifth grade or something going on the internet with one of my friends. We were both X-file's fans, so we searched around for that on a browser and found some webpage with a punch of links to different fanfics. We started to read some. They were all erotic fanfics about Mulder and Scully fucking. Definitely a formative experience  
  The other day at work I was working with the glasscutter. Now, i know what I am doing with glass but for some reason EVERY piece of glass I was cutting cracked in such a way as to make it totally useless for my needs.  So I take all the broken pieces of glass back to put into the bin I have set aside for the shatered peices, but while the glass bits are too small for my project they are also too large to fit through the mouth of the bin.  Usually I just use the glasscutter to shorten them enough to get them to fit. This time I just placed the multiple sheets of glass over the hole and proceded to use my bare fist to crush the glass down to smaller pieces until they all fit.  I think I need to work something out....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my worst alcohol experience:  after a few martinis, a few cape cods, and a few mixed drinks of dubious character, i: a- told my best friend that i could steal her boyfriend, even though he was straight, in front of my boyfriend (at the time) b- french kissed a straight boy who was there, again, in front of my boyfriend c- explained the entire plot to "Run Lola Run" to everyone watching it twenties minutes in d- puked until i was dry heaving painfully e- woke up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor wrapped around (actually, hugging) the toilet. someone had used it while i was passed out below and didn't bother to flush; the water was mildly yellow  i now stop at one martini, and maybe a few beers  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we yelled "tampons are for boys too" at random people on the streets of coronado last night.  ahh. the joys of summer vacation. and it's over tomorrow.  
  I am in an Irish pub in the Sunset District, ostensibly just having a drink but actually trying to meet women.  I am single and don't much care for it,  and know people who have met in bars,  so here I am.  This is a manly place.  Guys belt out ballads of English perfidy,  women laugh and roar louder than the men.  Everyone but me seems to actually be Irish.  A lass catches my eye and smiles,  and comes over to talk.  I am pleasantly surprised because this doesn't happen to me a lot.  She introduces herself and we speak of trivialities awhile. She calls her male friend Joe over to meet me as well.  Joe is Irish,  polite but tough,  a bit of a football hooligan.  After awhile the girl winks at me,  and pulls me closer so she can whisper in my ear (with a lovely lilt in her voice),  "Now Marc,  there's somethin av been meanin ta say to ya..."  I tense with anticipation,  but something in me already knows what she is going to say.  "My friend Joe fancies ya.  Umm... would ya be gay,  by any  chance?"  I try to smile,  and politely explain that I am not,  and she loses interest and drifts off.  I stay awhile and finish my beer without further incident. I realize I am very tired of being philosophical about such things.      
  i don't go for all that kinky crap or whatever in porno and shit.  when girls start eating each other out, i fast forward.  hell, even if a guy's doing it.  it just doesn't do anything for me.  i like just good old fashioned straight up missionary porn.  is this some kind of lame-ass fetish?  
  I know it's obvious, but  someone  has to say it...   I don't say "I'm never drinking again!"  I say "I'm not going to drink again, until I finish puking."   And, usually, I stick to that.  
  I used to keep hornets. There was a small nest of them in the skylight in my motorhome bedroom, and it was nice to lie in bed and watch them build. One day, they were attacked and exterminated by vicious British Wasps*. The battle was fascinating to watch -- bodies everywhere. Then the wasps took over the nest. So now I keep British Wasps. This morning, I was investigating a strange chewing sound in my kitchen ceiling. I tapped gently, and a section of ceiling fell out, with wasps attached. So  that's  where the got the raw material for their wonderful paper nests! I used to keep wasps...  -------------------  *Which have recently colonised the Eastern US, though most people mistake them for harmless local yellowjackets -- mistake!  
  I had a dream that I went back in time to the 70's.  I took with me an industrial size box of glowsticks; I was KING of the disco.  Saturday Night Feaver had nothing on me. Also, I told John Travolta not to listen to that L. Ron Hubbard guy.  
  The home page on my Internet Explorer is, of course, LowBrow. Just every now and again, when I start up Internet Explorer, one of  my  moments comes up first. That's when I know that I've finally,  truly  arrived. I'm a genuine World-Class celebrity! The Internet is world-wide after all, isn't it? I pollute the crap out of this world-famous site, don't I? So why hasn't J Lo e-mailed me yet?   
  guinea pig poop would not make a good fertalizer because it has a tendency to mold.   This was a relieving discovery in a way because I could dump out the 5 gallon bucket of it that I has been saving.  
  Went out to Baskin Robbins one time with my ex and our 2 friends. My friend get a "low fat" double scoop. Then after devouring it, goes for another, then another.   He then decides he's full -- too full. Calmly asks for the paper bag my ice cream came in leans over and jams 2 fingers down his throat. I was still eating at the table and didnt pause for a moment. on the way out after being there another 10 minutes or so, he pukes again in the parking lot (same 2 fingers btw)   After the car ride home, he offers to shake hands and hugs the other friend in the backseat. All with his puke hand. No shame. Toxie is the man.  
  Driving along the freeway, some jesusfreak took it upon himself to drive parallel to me and wave his bible out the window in my direction. I guess it was the darwin sticker and the 'fuck your old time religion" bumper sticker.  I was pleasantly gratified when I made him drop it by flashing him.  Nipples: 1 (2, really)  religion: 0  
  I gave up sacrifices for Lent.  
  i once bought my mom, as a birthday gift, a bottle of lotion and soap and some shit for the kitchen.  i know, great gift.  the next day i used half of the lotion jacking off.  
  When your suffering from stomach pains because you have to run to the toilet but your not moving because that l33t weapon in Everquest is about to spawn and you will loose it if you move.  Well that's when you have hit bottom.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A lady in Vancouver recently told the police she was concerned about all the deer being killed near a "deer crossing" sign in her neighbourhood.  She asked the police to move the "deer crossing" sign to a place where it would be safer for them to cross.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the war movie thing  funny how people who have actually been through a war never discuss anything to do with it a vietnam vet who had everything below his hip joints removed abruptly couldnt get his extrawide wheelchair through the door of the seven eleven i used to buy him beer and toilet paper when i was in highschool not because i felt sorry for him but just to bust the store clerks ass about not fixing the fucking door years later i saw him wheeling down twentyfive a i pulled over and said hi we went to tushies the nearest bar and had a beer platoon my ass said he full metal jacket and the bridge scene from apocalypse now on six cups of espresso maybe but platoon fuck you so much for reality in cinema         
  I looked into his half-breed, greenish blue eyes and wondered about his ancestry because his father was hispanic and his mother Anglo...  not realizing that I had some gene explaining to do myself, being the Aryan looking person I am.  Native American in a green-eyed blonde suit.  
  The most erotic moment in all moviedom is not in Flirting as some lowbrower suggest, but in the remake of Cape Fear where that girl sucks on Robert De Niro's finger...she wasn't even that hot, but shit I get a hardon everytime I see that part.  
  there i am, drunk as piss in the great-outdoors with some of my girlfriends friends.  of course its the perfect time to tell my story about how my buddy tagged teamed some colorado waitress with merle haggard while merle tickled his balls.  next day, i realized my momentary razor-sharp scenapsis of the situation hadnt been spot-on.  now they call ME reach-around.  
  Lowbrow Christmas Moments: 1. There were two adorable blond girls sitting in front of us at Mass. In the middle of the service, while all her relatives are turned around, the little kid in front of my dad eyed him, reached in her nose, and unabashedly flicked a booger at him.  2. My cousin's boyfriend did not know the meaning of the word "ornamental" when I used it in a sentence. 3. My sister's prissy-ass bitch white suburbanite girlfriend claimed to me that she had "been there" with regards to crack dealing".  4. my aunt did not know who Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were. In fact, she didn't know who Hamlet was either, when I tried to explain. 5. In retribution for all the bullshit from my sister's girlfriend, in true lowbrow form, I put her toothbrush up my ass. They were right. It does kinda tickle... ~puck~  
  First day of Junior year in high school.  My friend Jeff is sitting next to me in first period, stoned to the gills as the teacher drones on...  "...and if your feeling sick, or have been partaking in wacky tobbacky, just ask to go to the bathroom...."  Jeff leans over, and in a shrill whisper that everyone in the room hears "He knows!"  I think that was when he accepted the role of stoner buddy for our entire group of friends.  
  I was in an amusement park, strolling with my brothers while enjoying the sweet, refreshing taste of an imported clove cigarette when the little teeny-bopper behind me pipes up to her little friends, "You know, smoking is bad for your health."  I put the grill on my face (The look my bros and I have perfected after years of intimidating people for pleasure that says, "I haven't killed anyone today, and my trigger finger's gettin' kinda itchy.") and spun around. Both of my brothers pivoted with military precision and we all glared at her.  I looked her dead in her eye and said, "You know what's bad for your health? Pissing off strangers."  I've never seen a little white girl get that pale.  
  alright so i was eating lunch with my friends the other day and i was telling them about the time my friend had a bloody nose and all they could find was a tampon to stop the bleeding. (by the way this friend was a boy) any way, after i told them that we got on the whole subject of tampons. my friend got one out and told him to stick it up his nose. and he said he would. so he unwrapped it. then he was like..."uh... how do you work it..." and we taught him how to push the thingy up and a cotton thing will pop out and he as so excited about it. it was at that momment that i decided that i wanted to be a boy in my next life. just so i could be a boy who had just been shown the miricles of tampons. it looked like so much fun, im jealous.  
  There's something about throwing a cd case across the room in an oh so necessary rage, and have it bounce off a toy stuffed pineapple, and have it land softly on a bed thats all that more depressing.  I looked for something else to throw and failed.   Quitting things are getting much easier to do.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Some Einstein at work figured that to reduce the smell of cigarette smoke in a company car, he would throw a urinal cake into the back.  You know, to perfume it.  He totally disgregarded the associative smell situation.  Perfumed toilet paper, for example, may not smell unpleasant to those unfamiliar with it, but to me it smells exactly like a toilet.  Urinal cakes also smell sort of perfumed and antiseptic, but they've come to be unfailingly associated with the stink of a urinal.   Add that to the cigarette stink, and getting into that car became like visiting a pub toilet.     
  when i was about 8, my sister was 6 and she was going through a serious barbie phase. so i ripped off the head of one of her barbies and put it in the ice dispenser of my freezer. then i asked her to get me some ice water. i heard the scream from across the house when the frozen barbie head fell into her glass.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I stepped up to the urinal in the pizza joint restroom  drunk and happy a little voice in the stall next to me says "Hey guy".  I always hate when strangers talk to me in restrooms so I don't answer.   "Hey guy, can you tell them to bring me some toilet paper?" the kid says.  I still don't answer  I start to walk out  "Hey gu.."  I thought he would be fine once he realized he could use the back up wipe plan..which is ofcourse the paper towels. So I figure no harm done as I stumble into my friends car. On the way home I realized they had air dryers.  Poor kid  I gave myself bad karma on that one   
  i've been on "study break" for a week now, so my personal hygiene has gotten a bit lax.  today i woke up and i couldn't stand my own stench. the first thing i thought was "if i wait, i'll get used to it"  i took a long shower instead  
       There was no food in the house, but some commodity butter my grandmother had given me. Everything else smelled questionable. Of course,we had already drank up our paychecks.  My roomate and I prepared to go to the store by putting on thermal shirts, baggy flannel shirts and our parkas.  The thermal shirt was essential to protect the skin from frozen food.  We made off with four packages of frozen lobster tails and some calve's liver, which we never got around to cooking.       We cleaned the seeds, scraped the chamber pipe, and dined on stolen lobster, dipped in welfare butter.      I do not think I have gotten any sleazier, but later that evening my roomate went out and came home with a 14 year old drag queen.        
  I read one of Limbo's posts which contained the word "unselfish," and until I read the whole thing all I could think to myself was "what the hell is an Unsel Fish?"  
  A friend of mine has feet that smell like cheese popcorn when they sweat.   Whenever she takes her shoes off, there's always an awkward moment as someone sniffs and asks her where the snacks are.   
  I went to a party last night. There are cigarette burns on my left hand in three places. When I woke up and sat down to "check my email", I discovered a URL to photos of myself making out with some girl.  I don't even LIKE girls.  I think it's about time I stopped drinking.    
  If he couldn't hear me, he would cup his hand around his ear with his palm toward me in order to make his ear a more effective listening device.  He owned pencils with the words 'Personal Effectiveness' emblazoned on them.  I wanted to sharpen one of those pencils up real sharp and plunge it into his temple.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in elementary school, I though that it would be a great idea to be cremated after I died.  That way, my ashes could be sprinkled onto food and eaten by my family and friends. It seemed somehow romantic to me, my loved ones taking a part of me into them. Everyone I told my great idea to didn't think of it the way I did. They said I was gross. Stupid people.       
   Aaah, The Good Old Days In Scotland  Weird little one, but LowBrow: My favourite place in the world was Waverly Station in Edinburgh. Destination signs pointing everywhere in the world. Pure Freedom! The station was very dark, with a black roof, for some reason. I could spend hours watching the enormous, shiny brass steam locomotives chuffing in and out. Aah, the safe old days. 'Cept I finally realized that the roof was actually all glass, but was black from the smoke from the trains. Just like our lungs.  
  Once, I made an artificial vagina out of an empty container of hazelnut coffee creamer, a sock, a plastic baggie, a rubber band, and some lotion. It wasn't as good as I thought. What a waste of coffee creamer.  
  Sometimes I open up a can of DelMonte pineapples, remove the lid, and throw a few ice cubes straight into the can. I let it sit for awhile (so it'll get cold) and then eat it, usually with my feet up and my attention on travel brochures. This gives me both my desert and travelling fix.   (there's one for the bachelors)       
  Letting a dog lick peanut butter off your dick is alright as long as its not chunky peanut butter  
  When I was in first grade, each first grade classroom had its own bathroom.  One day my buddy Josh beat me to the bathroom after lunch. He was in there about 15 mins. I know this because I had to pee really bad and I was watching the clock. He finally came out and I could go in. I walked in and locked the door behind me and turned around and saw that he had somehow laid a huge, fat turd right on the toilet seat.  Well, I didn't have to pee anymore. So I came out an I yelled to the teacher from the back of the room that Josh had missed the toilet. He screamed that he didn't do it and then everyone thought that I did it and was just trying to blame him for my accident  Bastard won Valedictorian when we finished school.    
  I just got a call from my sister.  She's getting married.  To whom, you ask?  Why, she's getting married to my old high school bully.  I told her: "Congratulations, Letty.  By the way, tell Steve that I'm much bigger now.  By about 30 pounds.  Tell him that the next time I see him, they'll have to bury him in a sandwich bag."  Needless to say, I've been uninvited.   I reach for beer # 5.        
  So, living in Newton, MA, with the current love of my life. She just graduated with a Masters in nursing, at the same school as my first wife (no, it's not what it sounds like, really). In my mind, she's the most beautiful woman in the world. I just stole her away from her husband, and I'm in absolute heaven, because she and I share a bed together! Every night, I come home from my job to the most beautiful woman in the world. 'Cept she's a little uptight (I've posted more moments about just how uptight and jealous she was -- keep clicking). One night, she sits up in bed, with her amazing dark mane falling across her amazing antigravitational breasts, and decides I have melanoma. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So I have a little mole on my chest, but she obsesses on it for days. I finally agree to have it excised. Dermatologist: "Eh, this doesn't really look malignant, but I can excise it anyway, if you like." Me: "Go ahead - it's a girlfriend thing." He laughs and cuts away while I watch, interested. Fast forward. The current love of my life sits up in bed, with her amazing dark mane falling across her perfect tiny breasts: "What's that scar, just over your heart?" Me: "Oh, an old girlfriend tried to take me out with a knife, once..."  
  I have a new workout program.  I do 10 crunches every time I see one of those "Ab-Energizer" commercials.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Cant beleive I havent thought of this one yet:  Last year of college I worked for one of those company's that cuts branches away from powerlines.  My boss was a cock sucker deluxe.  After a week of working in solid downpours wearing seventy plus pounds of industrial rain gear throwing trees into a huge wood chipper - a screaming ball of blades that would turn me to human V8 juice in about .5 seconds - I let him overhear me talking about what an asshole he was.  I knew he had overheard and if you can beleive it he ended up warming up to me after that.  But it was too late.  I quit one week later and on that last day it rained like a motherfucker.  We ate lunch in the truck as usual and I asked if I could use my last lunch break to fuck around with the bucket above the truck - you know the hydrolic set of arms.  He agreed.  I climbed in oblivious to the downpour and raised that thing up straight and instictively pissed on the windshield he was eating his grinder just behind.  At the end of the day he gave me his favorite guitar shaped keychain and I felt almost guilty.  This really happened.   
  I was waiting for the elevator this morning and took a glance at the ass of the woman in front of me.  I really could see her ass.  Her skirt was unzipped.  I said "Your skirt is unzipped."  She thanked me for saving her some embarassment.  I should've thanked her.        
  Me: UGHH! What the hell is this?  Cole: Coffee  Me: No way, what else is in there?  Cole: Coffee, 1 packet of hot chocolate mix, 1 three musketeers bar, 3 sugar packets and 2 creamers  Me: Ohh man, I think i'm going into convoltions. How can you drink that crap?  Cole: Tastes like heaven to me. (Takes a chug)  Working in tech support makes people a little odd.  
  I can't help but "moo" loudly whenever I see cattle.    
  He tried to be nonchalant, so did I.   I handed him the reciept, feeling a little akward.  "Have a nice day" I said.  He nodded and grinned as he left.  Boy was that an understatement.  I always feel strange telling people that just bought a pack of condoms to "have a great day"   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         overheard:   "man, you gotta get All up in that shiit"       - " dude, she doesn't even speak english"   "Duuuuude"  
  I'm fucking a guy that really knows what he's doing, is well-hung and has more stamina than any woman (or, I guess, female soccer team) could ever want. So when he's made me cum for the xth time (hard to count when you're almost passing out) I start crying. He immediately stops and asks what's wrong, has he hurt me or whatever. Well, you've made me come so hard I started to cry I said, which was true. Oh, he said, that can't be all bad, can it?  No it can't, now get busy, horse-boy.  
   Longbrow Limbo Moment About Cats  (if none of that makes sense, just click [reload] -- it's OK, don't worry about it)  I really like cats, even thought I've strangled one, stoned the brains out of another, and drowned two.  Don't get horrified -- there were very good reasons for at least three of the four.  So when my stepdaughter walks home with a strange cat in tow, I'm interested. She rubs against our legs, purring constantly, then makes herself comfortable on the good couch.  Wife: "We're watching a replay of how cats originally became domesticated."  Me: No -- we're watching a replay of how humans originally became domesticated. They mustn't have been hungry that night, though."  We call her Blanche DuBois, of course (after the hooker-sister in "A Streetcar Named Desire" who's famous line is (add the Southern accent): "I've always relied on the kindness of strangers.")  Very neat, for two days. She completely entrances my 5 year-old, sleeping on his belly... ...then she proceeds to viciously evict my two longtime cat-partners, while purring constantly in our direction.  Then the boy pisses her off by sitting up while she is asleep, so she takes a small chunk out of his face, close to an eye.  He's really attached, so I approach the topic delicately: "Um, Wig -- the other kitties are not happy with the new one..."  Wig: "I know. I want her to vanish."  I plan it for the next morning, but when I get home from the brewpub that night, my wife says: "I took care of it."  Me: "?"  Wife: "I wrapped it in a blanket, stuffed it in the trunk, and took it to the Ames parking lot across the river. When I opened the trunk, it went   sproing   about ten feet in the air and vanished across the parking lot in two seconds."  Now I'm scanning the "Found" ads to see if I recognise it -- if I see it, I'll call the people and tell them they're welcome to it, as long as they don't have pets or children.  
  knew these guys who visited this weirdo in high school. he leaves the room to use the rest room. he comes back with a turd in his hands, with toothpicks sticking out. "look, battleshit." what a sick fucking weirdo  
  For some reason, my mom sent me an electric razor for a gift.  Electric razor + stray cats = mobile graffiti.   
  I just read one of lowbrowlimbo's posts about buddhist's making apprentices drink a bottle of water without thinking the word water to attain nirvana. i decided to try it and chugged a tumbler of diet root beer. i thought the word birchbeer dammit and now i have the hiccups  
  Every night before I get into bed (My wife is always there before me reading), I start to box with our cat Pokeweed, who is sitting calmly on the bed.  I taught Pokeweed to box some time ago, and it was fine.  She could hit really hard - knock my glasses off sometimes - but wouldn't use her claws. Lately, she has started using her claws when we box.  This chaanges the whole dynamic.  She is quietly resting in bed, then I come in and we box.  She hits me a few times, then goes running off, up and down the hallway leading to our bedroom.  This really pisses off my wife who just wants the cat to relax.  But I can't help it.  I really enjoy boxing with the cat.     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Xeras the great.  Your not the only one who beats of 3+ times in a day. Makes me feel better though. Just make sure you don't need to fuck soon afeter that. Running out of jiz with a self used up cock sucks, I know. Especial when you blow so many loads your ball ache for a day! It's my fault, it's the DSL.   
  my very first BJ was from some tweak chick who was missing most of her teeth. most girls tease me about it, until i mention she was better than them.  
  One day at work we were the victim of credit card fraud. Apparently the new (idiot) girl forgot to check ID for someone purchasing *$400* worth of Playstation 2 merchandice with a credit card. It gets better - ironically it turned out that the stolen credit card belonged to someone that worked there. Who knew that leaving your wallet sitting on the store counter while you went on your lunch break was a bad idea?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as we reach puberty, we males watch and observe as our pubic and armpit hairs proliferate. what comes as a surprise to us, however, is when when day we discover that WE HAVE HAIR INSIDE OF OUR ASS. holy fucking shit. i did not see that coming.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         using babelfish, i translated the following into german. there is a big bulge in my pants.  it came out to: es gibt eine grosse Ausbuchtung in meinen Hosen.  then into french, from german: il y a un grand renflement dans mes pantalons.  from french to german: es gibt eine gro e Verst rkung in meinen Hosen.  finally, from german back to english: there is a large reinforcement in my trousers.  really makes you think why they call GI's "reinforcements"   
  I was sitting around the other day wondering why porn is so great.  After about four different scenes of hot ass bitches giving head, getting fucked, and rammed in their ass I realized that Porn is the greatest kind of movie ever invented to man.  On that note I rubbed like a champ and blasted a cum shot right into my eye.......OUCH...it was red for hours.  
  Little kid, celebrating my birthday with a pool party.  Guess I had too much to eat, because I puked in the pool.  My mom saw, and just scooped the puke into the filter and we both went on our way.  I don't think we ever told the woman who owned the pool.  
  There was this guy walking around muttering to himself "Nobody cares.  Nobody cares"  I cared enough to call the police.       
  Ever feel the urge to eat your own cum while                                                masturbating, yet it seems revolting when it actually                                                comes time to do it?                                                  Don't worry, you're not the only one.                                                                 - bigdicklongdaddy@cincinnati.com ______________________ Thank fucking god.......  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I dont know why, but something ALWAYS goes wrong when i use the computers at work.Either the system kicks me out, or the thing crashes, and it always takes forever to fix.  And I know the secretaries, despite their understanding smiles and words of encouragement, secretly hate me.        
  does anyone but me actually give a shit that the millenium  the fucking new millenium doesnt start until next fucking year goddamned media hallmark moment madison avenue money grubbing motherfuckers now they are fucking up the very essence of time         
  When I was in high school you were judged by how much you could drink. I caved into social pressure by drinking as much as I could stand, then cramming my fingers down my throat to vomit it all up so I could return to the party no longer queasy. I returned home late from a party, where I had drank and puked a great deal, and socialized with many girls, to discover that I had had a glob of wet vomit on my lapel for god knows how long. The 80s print-style shirt I was wearing was so fucking ugly it hid a glob of wet mac-and-cheese vomit.  
  One time I thought I had to fart, so I went into the computer room and dropped my pants (so I wouldn't stink them up), but it turns out it was the shits and I dumped a big load all over the floor!!       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've got a picture of me smoking a joint with Stonehenge in the background.  I got stoned@stonehenge.....  
  when my daughter was about 7 she waited for the bus...the bus came along the road and this chipmunk ran across...the tire hit the chipmunk and it got stuck to it...it went round and round...when my daughter got home she told me all about it and how upset she was because "it was like the chipmunk was on a really bad ferris wheel ride...."  
  It's a messy business, being human. Everytime I find myself feeling jealous of some skin-and-bones woman and her fat cosmetics endorsement paycheck, i remember that. And then it makes me even happier to remember that if i want to gain 10 pounds, spend an entire winter dressed in jeans and my favorite green stocking cap, and hang out at a disreputable cowboy bar, i won't end up on the cover of the Enquirer. Plus, i wear a D cup bra. Take that you emaciated twits.  
  I'm a little down tonight.  I decided to cheer myself up by hanging around lowbrow.  While reading various instances of sex, humor, and other assorted lowbrow moments, I brushed my teeth and went to get some mouthwash. I had just sat down, the phone rings.  Listerine was not meant to be swallowed.   
  -why are we here?  i never pay a $20 cover.  -the cover keeps out the riffraff.  - no, it just keeps out the cheap riffraff  -yeah, they did let us in...        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Vermont, that's in Massachusetts,right?", she said. Both her and her husband waited for the answer. I nodded and turned back to the music.  
  People from the corporate mothership are visiting the office today.  Shortly after their arrival, I excused myself to blast a dookie of monumental proportion and smell in the executive bathroom.  Careful in there, boys.  
  She: "It's my husband's 40th b'day in two weeks, and I'm not sure what to get him.  Something that'll really make him happy."  Me: "Trust me -- get him a couple of cheerleaders."  She: "I said 'happy', not 'ecstatic'"  
  everyday after i get out of my late afternoon classes at school i walk across the street to my car.  the last 100 or so feet are through a field that has cactus growing around the edges.    in fall in Texas, the cacti grow cactus fruit (prickly pears).  ever sence i was about 8 or 9 i have loved cactus, so i walked over and pick one today to have as a little snack.  as is normal, i get some splinters, not alot and i get all but a few out (the fruit is worth every prick).  well, i get home and put it in the fridge to cool so i can cut out the rest of the spines and eat it.  as i wait for it to chill i get online and start to whackoff to free internet porn.  here us the lowbrow... remember how i didnt get all the needles out of my hand? well it turns out that one somehow transferred from my hand to smiley, so i had to run accross the house, with my pants around my ankles,  to the bathroom to get the tweezers to pull it out.  to make things worse the pear was all rotten inside, so i went through all that for nothing.  but rest assured that i will try for another pear tomarrow.  
  Pirate Eye:  Wait until your girlfriend falls asleep.  Jerk off and blow a load over her eye.  Let it dry.  When she wakes up, she won't be able to see.  Arrr...         
  One of these days, after hearing a way too perky "How are you today?", I'll respond with, "Better than you." and just rack them straight across the jaw.  
  The girl I was seeing met a couple friends of mine for the first time and we went to a reggae show. Her apartment was about an hour closer than anyone else's, so we all went there after. When she went to the bathroom, but wasn't quite out of earshot, my buddy blurts out, "That girl lets you touch her?"  
  I once had this friend who had a sign on the gate door leading to her pool.    It read "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'p' in it."  That was like ASKING for people to piss in your pool.  
  i was told the other day that im part of the "dinky do" club, i then proceeded to ask what the hell the dinky do club was.. and to my sorrow she answered. i was informed that my stomach now sticks out more than my "dinky" do.  
   I used to get high a lot, I mean a lot. I have made excellent bongs and pipes out of everything from car bumpers to toothbrushes. And yet somehow I feel empty.   HONCHO    
  She just played "guess what" with me.   Kind of a lowbrow way to dump me.  She has a date this Saturday.  Man, don't date married women.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Remember those Newton commercials ("a cookie is just a cookie, but Newtons are fruit and cake")?  Well, I happened to have a package of Newtons, and on the package it said "fruit chewy cookies".  Needless to say, I was very upset by this.  So I called the Nabisco hotline repeated the above. Me: "so which is it?  Cookies, or fruit and cake?" Nabisco:"they're cookies." Me:"But what about the ad?  Isn't that false advertising?" Nabisco:"No, it's not.  It's called creative license." Me (unconvinced):"so I can't sue?" Nabisco (getting annoyed):"No." Me (sighing resignedly):"Alright, then.  Thank you."  
  I went to go see Poison, Faster Pussycat, Winger and Cinderella on their recent tour.   No further explanation necessary.  
  We started a torrid relationship after she told me that she was breaking up with her old boyfriend.  She wanted me to marry her, but was still living in the same apartment as her ex-boyfriend.  I told her that I would only think about it seriously if she would leave  that apartment and live on her own for six months.  She left me and married her old boyfriend.  Six months later she called me telling me she was miserable and really wanted to marry me.    It felt good to be single.      
  I really need to bring in another bottle of spring water from home.  I keep refilling this one and the inside of it is a little cloudy, indicating the buildup of old saliva.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I tried to call in sick once, nasty nasty cold. I felt like shit. Still, they demanded I HAD to come in because there was a meeting and someone was needed to make the coffee. I saved all my best sneezes and nose-blowings for the garnish of each pot.   
  I can't really speak for anybody, and my knowledge with which I base my reasoning is obviously scant, but I envision our TJAY sitting in a closed room on this Christmas morning, selecting Lowbrow submissions for display. I want to be like that when I grow up. Sitting at home with my family on Christmas, I see their bodies. Sitting in a closed room reading Lowbrow moments on Christmas, TJAY sees deep into our souls.  Merry Christmas  
  My Sophomore year in highschool, my 230 lb friend Charlie is running around the locker room naked.  He stops all of the sudden, and everyone can only stare in horror.  He bent over, clenching his hairy ass  buttcheeks together......  Prrrraaapappapraaaapapappap....  The son of a bizatch let out a tremendous roar from his bowels and his cheeks rippled and trembled. I had in mind the picture of the fat guy getting hit by a cannon  ball in the stomach.  the whole locker room broke out in laughter...  What can ya do? It's Charlie.  -Jcock   
   The HighestBrow LowBrow Sailing Moment Ever   (Yeah, I know -- a pure "hit reload immediately" title. Go ahead. Your loss.)  From "The LowestBrow Sailing Moment Ever":  But all those weeks of sailing in circles by himself, going nowhere, had completely unhinged him. His last log entries are truly from another planet, difficult to swallow without going insane yourself.   Anyway, he somehow snuffed himself mid-ocean, but the sailor who was supposedly chasing him, but was actually in the lead because he'd actually sailed around the world, instead of faking the whole thing, was a Frenchman named Bernard Moitessier. All this guy had to do was turn north after rounding Cape Horn, and nobody could catch him. He'd win the prize (big money), have his photograph taken with Brigitte Bardot's titties pressed against him and so on... But he'd got kinda into sailing over the last 20,000 non-stop miles by himself, and had made friends with a particular seagull who followed him everywhere, and was suffering from "rapture of the Deep" (the way he writes about it, it does not seem like suffering at all). He had no money, and could REALLY use the prize, but he thought of all the  flashbulbs, and the fleshbulbs, and the cheering crowds and so on... He turned north, but then thought better of it, and headed back around the world again, by himself,  still&nbsp; without stopping. He finally docked in Tahiti, where he lived out the rest of his days, broke and extremely happy. Bernard Moitessier is perhaps my greatest hero. Read his story in "The Longest Way."  
  When I was six I couldn't wait to show off my new skateboard.  I spotted a crowd down the street that I was sure would be awe-inspired by the only kid in the neighbourhood with a skateboard whizzing by.  Instead, they were too distracted by the kid who's head had gotten run over by a bus.  I still haven't forgiven Ted Boothe for hogging my fucking glory.  
  Did you mean: tentacle porn  Yes. Yes I did.  Google's spell checker saves the day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My delectable 21-year old boy toy is over.  We're making out like mad, and proceed to undress...his pants and underwear come off, and he's standing there resplendent with his huge, friendly erection poking full-out beneath his t-shirt reading, "TOOL".  Here's for truth in advertising!!  
  today i was sitting in a doctor's office waiting room.   i was hungry.   there was one of those women's health displays nearby with free samples.  i ate twenty three calcium chews.  i left the rappers stuffed inside a copy of vogue.   the end.   
  Highschool.  Me and Adam are cruising in his K car with the jacked up stereo.  There's an open bottle of Rum in the trunk ('cuz we don't want to get hassled or anything).  Why's it open?  Because we just puchased a bottle of coke each, drank half, and topped it off.  The lowbrow part?  He was just giving me a ride home.  I spent the afternoon half-cocked, watching tv...  
  hookd onn foniks werkd 4 mee        
  i made a promise to myself earlier today that i wouldn't jerk off between now and when i saw jessie in 2 days.  this promise has lasted perhaps 12 hrs.    
  I was in a coffee shop in amsterdam after a full day of drugs alcohol and aimless wandering around absorbing the fucked-up vibe the city puts out at all times smoking a fat blunt filled with the finest white widow i think i've ever seen wrapped in the imported-for-americans titan phillies i had purchased at a tobacconist earlier in the day and hadn't seen in countless months of expatriation with some neophyte american tourists and an ex-DDR german from somewhere near Dresden  when i fainted sideways off of my barstool hitting my head on the table next to me landing forehead first on the tile floor pissing my pants during an increasingly lucid dream and waking up to an empty except for aforementioned friends and the owner of the coffee shop that before i had lost consciousness held at least 50 people asking how long i'd been out and being told 15 seconds leaving the shop after an energy drink passing out again in the red light district and needing to call a cab to take me back to my hostel with frigid piss covering my pants drenched in sweat with a giant bludgeon wound on my head that didn't go away for a month.  Amsterdam is a neat town.  
  -Reuters-   Sources in and around stall 3, 3rd floor men's lavatory, leatherwood building have today confirmed that the area was rocked by another localized explosion. The quiet 8 to 5 neighborhood was thrown into chaos around 10:30 am, when, fueled by shwag beer, latenite munchies and hangover coffee, a giant fireball erupted from the loo, followed by a series of staccato concussions.  So far no injuries have been reported,  but sources close to the guy in stall 1 tell Reuters that his feelings are definitely hurt.  The latest in a series of midmorning attacks, authorities believe a single perpetrator is behind the terror, though he  may have gang affiliations.  Speculation in and around the area points to an undercover job, a latenite rager guised as a normal dayjobber. Evidence at the scene, the details of which have yet to be released, has  been traced back to the NG, an underground group of self-proclaimed warriors, hell-bent on rewriting the social dynamic of the entire planet.  The New Generation, as they call themselves, follow a strict  doctrine of indulgence, ingestation, inebriation, intoxication, incoherence and insomnia, pausing only on Monday and Tuesday to pay for  it all - sources on the street tell Reuters that the NG is rapidly gaining favor in the lowbrow community.  The investigation continues,  but so far no arrests have been made.    
  If a dog's nose is a thousand times more sensitive than man's, why do they always sniff piles of dogshit they pass?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "Yes sir, with your $1000 donation you'll receive an invitation to the annual alumni banquet, a reserved parking space on campus, and an autographed picture of me."  
  The temp agency sent me to a job once with three phones, nine lines each, and they rang constantly. It was nearly impossible to answer them all in a timely manner, something that infuriated the bitch office manager. She went on and on and on about "disappointing our valuable clients" etc.  Finally she told me it just wasn't working out. I later overheard her on the phone telling the temp agency not to send her any more "incompetant stupid people", and that she would just handle the phones herself until the regular receptionist came back. I spent my last half hour there supergluing all the handsets to the bases, all the cords to the phones, and all the other ends of the cords to the wall sockets. Very securely. And while I waited for the bus, I posted the phone numbers on the bus shelter wall with a glowing review of the office manager's sexual perversions. And the temp agency, by the way, sent me out again on a better paying gig.  Thanks, Brenda! Give me a call sometime, if you can.  
  When my dad sneezes, it sounds like he's saying "Bitch Meow".   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a friend of mine went to a fraternity to see a famous band.  they started up while he was in the bathroom taking a crap.  he didn't want to miss anything, so he cut things short to run down and see them.  then he discovered that he'd wiped his ass with his shirt tail.  so he started walking around the fraternity asking "anybody got a knife??  anybody got scissors??"   
  It was a good movie... one of which I would have enjoyed had it not been for Brad.  I was sitting next to him with my hand on his thigh. a 1/4 of the way into the movie he looked over at me.  I caught his stare.  He gave me a rather sensual gaze.  I started to move my leg up and down his thigh... concentrating mainly on the upper, inner thigh.   He put one arm around me and the other on my stomach.  He slowly put his hand under my shirt.  I started to breath deep and my hips started to moved in a repetitious patterns. Thats when I realized he wanted it... AND SO DID I BABY!!!! We were in the back of the theatre, but there were enough people around us to make it exciting. He pulled at me to come sit on his lap.  Luckly I was wearing my short black mini-skirt.  As I went to sit on his lap, he slowly rolled my mini-skirt up to mu hips. When I sat down, I could feel that he had already undone his pants.. because his dick was between my thighs when i sat down. I sat back up just enough to place his dick in my pussy.  And I slid sown on it ever so slowly... just to make him wince. I took his hands and slid them up under my tight, white shirt.  He started to rub my breasts in the most erotic fashion. I arched my back and started to move my hips in a circular motion and back and forth. I heard him let out a very soft but intense moan.  I moved and moved my lower body while keeping the top half of me mobile so no one would be aware of us. I moved and moved until he finally came. Then he crawled on the floor and licked my pussy till I screamed in the theatre.  We both dropped to the ground when everyone turned to look in the back of the theatre.  Man, there are a lot of Starbursts on the floor... and BOY, are they sticky!  Wanna go to a movie?  SEX does a body good!         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Grocery clerk entry #26: When you're so fat that it looks like your face is in danger of being swallowed by your neck, it's time to put the chocolate bundt cakes back on the shelf.  
  Check out my email address  Boy I bet stupidestbastard@hotmail is pissed   
  Back in '87 (17 years old) I decided to make myself some Butterscotch pudding using my mom's new cordless wire wisk mixer. It's a little hand held mixer with a spiral type wire whisk attatchment, that coils outward from it's base and then down to the bottom in a teardrop kinda shape. Anyways..... I mixed the incredients of the pudding up, put it in a bowl, and then into the fridge to let it "chill". There was still some pudding on the wisk though, so I tried to lick it off,.....not easy. So I turned the wisk on slow so that it would move around and I could just stick my tongue out,......  ....it worked, until.....  The end piece of wire grabbed and pierced my tongue,.....AwWWgh! So I slammed the button on the wisk to stop it and it jumped a postion into HIGH SPEED! The ensueing carnage was rapid and quite painful. In terror, I ripped the wisk from my mouth,...taking a chunk of my tongue along in the process. It was at this time that I started to bleed,......and I don't know if you guys have seen how much a tongue bleeds, but mine did. Alot.  I immediately spewed forth a mouth full of kitchen splattering sticky crimson blood.  Here's the good part.....  My mom comes into the kitchen at this time to "see what all the commotion is about". See stands in the doorway of the kitchen in absolute horror, as I stand there, covered in blood. There's blood on the floor, blood in the sink, blood on the electric wisk, blood on my shirt, blood on the counter, and I say,......."Ma tung got shtuk!"  After a brief inspection of my mouth,....we both started to laugh hysterically, and then we went to the hospital. The doctor laughed too.    Later on we found a 1/4 chunk of tongue in the wire wisk. Yuck!   
  Parents always come up with the line "I was your age once.."  So why can't they stop having audible old person sex when they know their children are awake? With friends over?  Don't they know this has deeply psychologically scarred me for the rest of my life?  And it's happened on more than one occassion. I need therapy.  
  Her entrance through that door is a hallmark of my urgency to fart at that particular moment.    Now, what's more lowbrow than that?  
  Ya know how when you get a hardon, you can instantly tell? Even if it wasn't pressing against your clothes. You just know. So you can adequately adjust or reposition as neccesary to make it less conspicuous.  Then I was told that most of the time, unless they look at it, chicks don't realize they have erect nipples. Imagine having a hardon poking out at the world and not knowing, still walking around and talking to everybody.  Fuck, I'm glad I'm a guy.  
   Human Cloning  While searching for info on forging doctors' signatures, I came across this interesting sentence: ---------- I am here to tell you that my family and friends WERE cloned, and that I now have  PROOF  of this...The proof consists of some documents which were signed last year by a clone of my case manager here in Tallahassee, FL...I have obtained a copy of it and another document, on both of which  MY  signature has been forged to illegally obtain records from mental hospitals I was unlawfully forced into by the secret goevernment which is running this country since they assasinated J.F.K in 1963... ----------  Has this guy never heard of the Mighty 'Brow? Would we not welcome him here as a brother?  
  Les San Culottes in Midtown  "You wouldn't dare steal that hanging salami..."  "Wanna bet?"  She slid it into her handbag. Didn't even wrap it in a napkin.  
  Sometimes when I'm bored I lay belly-up on my bed with my head hanging upside-down off the edge and I pretend that I'm walking on the ceiling.  Whoa, look out for that big hanging glass light-fixture thing.   That was a close one.   
  I went on a blind/double date once.  It went all right, but the restaurant we went to (Friday's), for whatever reason, sold their fettucini alfredo with tomatoes on it.  Everyone knows you don't make a good fettucini alfredo dish with damn tomatoes.   So I ask for no tomatoes. Of course it comes SMOTHERED in tomatoes.  Now, most people would just pick them off in order to not anger the waiter or cook, but I like to live on the edge. I send it back. We leave about an hour later, and I am feelin it.  The shits, I mean.  We stop at a store and I run in, straight to the toilet, for 20 minutes of wretched ass play. My ass finally spent, we end up going to Ben & Jerry's, and as I walked in I was clutching my stomach.  Some goofy looking guy shot me a look, so I said, "Don't ever eat at Friday's man, it'll give you the worst shits!"  He busts out laughing, then leaves with his buddies.  The girl behind the counter says (in perfect valley girl),  "OHMYGOD, Do you know who that was?"   "Nah, who was it?" I said. "THAT WAS GREG BRADY FROM THE BRADY BUNCH, he's in town for a musical!" Well at least he knows not to eat at Friday's.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mother just got arrested for shop-lifting a $5 item from wal-mart today and the thing about it that bothers her the most is that she is now banned from all wal-marts everywhere forever.  And yes she lives in a trailer.  
  Dead people go flying off the truck, which had kept them loosely penned, and they flew into my windsheild, their blank pale faces staring in at me through the glass as my car rammed into the rest of their limp bodies.  No this didn't happen, but it would be a lowbrow moment if it did.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was another steamy Detroit summer and the AC was still broken only relief was the windows propped open by school books.  My older brother had his friends over so we all where bored and decided to get good and trashed (nothing better to do so what the hell) so we got a bunch of quarts of Colt 45 and began to get shitfaced.  By the end of the afternoon I find me and one of my brothers friends (some greasy italian guy named Vic) making out in my bedroom. Hes all feeling on my tits and finger-fucking me and all. I'm drunk so I don't really care.  As he goes down to give me oral, he positions himself right between my legs and I let out the biggest loudest beer fart I ever heard in my life. It stunk so bad I began laughing. He at first acted like nothing happened, to worried about getting his rocks off now that he was all fired up.  I ended up walking out laughing my ass off, while Vic jacked off in the bathroom.     
  i make you go doggie style when i fuck you. it's so i can imagine you're someone more attractive.  sorry sweetie    
  Someone posted this earlier.  "I think cops would have some fuckin' good lowbrow stories. Not only stories of corruption (which on a fairly anonymous interface such as this would make good reading material), but stories about some of the scum you have to deal with (like us) day in and day out. "  Im glad someone appreciates us for something.  Trust me cops have the best lowbrow stories.  
  there's a 50something year old in my town driving a beautiful honda S2000.   Liscence plate:  MY CRISIS  
  I was sick recently, and yesterday my ass hurt. Like, not the entire ass, just my asshole was sore- for like no reason. And, I found out, it was *leaking*- not in like copious amounts or anything, but enough to leave definite residue.. I ended up walking around with a piece of folded-up kleenex stuffed up my ass to keep my panties from getting dirty. So that sucked.  I hope whoever's reading this isn't about to eat. Sorry about that. ;)  
  A guy drove by in a car that said "Heineken" on the top of the windshield in big bold letters.  Mystifying and pathetic.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, my boyfriend and I of 3 years breaks up. He comes over to talk and to collect his things. He comes over, and we don't talk; we fuck and, afterwards, we don't talk; in the morning when we wake up, we don't talk. I give him a poster I got for him before we parted ways, and he leaves. We don't talk.   About 45 minutes later, he calls me up. He's stranded on the highway with a flat tire, and the tire iron he uses to fix it breaks on him. I laugh silently to myself. Karma, I thought. Today is shaping up to be a pretty swell day.  
  The first time she got high she freaked out a little.  She sat stiffly in a chair for ten minutes sobbing "I can't move, I can't move!"  I took her hand and helped her out of the chair.  "Hey, I'm moving!" she exclaimed in wonder.  
  Overheard in the bathroom at work. As said to his penis after urinating: "I love you, too."  
   The weirdest thing I ever masterbated with was a plastic Yoda doll from Taco Bell.  I put him all the way in, except for those damn long ears.  
    When we were 16 my friend's band and a few other bands were playing a little show out of his garage. This was back when they were pretty much death metal with Ian (crazy Russian kid) as their frontman. Ian has since been moved to guitar-only role, and my friend's quite talented if odd girlfriend sings, ergo their switch to punk/metal. But thats not the point.    The point is this one preppy kid was there, and he was joking around with Ian while he was singing and between songs. Ian, being who he is, did not like this. Who he is, being a crazy young fucker, started threatening to beat the kid to death with the mic stand.    The kid just laughed, taking it as a joke, never realising how close he was to a serious asskicking during "March of the Undead Ducks"   I hate stupid people.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         deat owns chickens that he frequently corrals whilst running around in his yard in his underwear when asked if he wanted a beer coors lite being his drug of choice he replied i d be all over that like a porkopine on a peanutbuttered neck . was that a yes        
  it's 10:25 at night. everyone's sleeping. i stopped up my friend's toilet and they don't own a plunger. i'm going to pretend it wasn't me.  
  so the roommate's gone for the weekend.  i have all these things that i want to do -- mostly sexy things like walk around naked and masturbate.       
  Psychadelic people make the best fucks.        
  My dad said "Big hair makes you look slimmer," the day I came home after the ride in the convertable, hair all mussed. Fuck you, dad.  I'm having some ice cream.    
  I meet a fellow car-nut in the BrewPub.  Well, I used to be a car-nut, but now I drive a minivan, and love it. We swap tales of the racetracks we've been to, and all the race cars we've driven. I assume he's lying his head off, because I certainly am. But I used to be a complete car-nut, so I do a good job of it. I also assume he's lying when he says he's shortly going to graduate to a Ferrari, to combat his mid-life crisis. Anyway, on to the LowBrow moment. He drives a Q-car (something that looks innocuous, but is anything but), a 250hp VW Jetta. He was pulled over for speeding on a quiet winding road last week. 90mph in a 55 zone. I tell him he should have had a stuffed cat in the passenger seat, so he could spin the old "taking it to the vet --omigod it's DEAD, sob, sob" trick. He says it wouldn't have worked: "Just try talking your way out of a speeding ticket, while strapped into a 4-point harness and wearing a crash helmet..."  
  two lane blacktop i passed a slow ass truck going 45 in a 60 at at least 70 and there was a one ton truck with a trailer right turning into the oncoming lane that i did not see so i swerves twice tires screeching fishtailing barely kept it on the road and I did not stop whistling my nonsense extemporaneous tune the whole time       
  Grocery Clerk entry #23: Sage advice from a coworker.  So simple, it is truly lowbrow: Break the rules; do the right thing.  
  Everything is more fun naked.  Except cooking with grease.    
  I read a moment about someone being a street-sign klepto.  I can identify...  I used to steal road signs like they would appreciate in value.  The usual ones like "No Parking" "Stop" and "Authorized Vehicles Only" Etc.  The gem, a large green sign reading  "Caution: chlorine gas leaks. Ever present danger, be on alert for constant audible signal which indicates possible gas leaks!"   I think about it, and that sign probably REALLY should have stayed where it was.  I hope there's not a guy out there somewhere, listening to a distant siren and thinking nothing of it while he slowly asphyxiates.  Oh well, that sign looks great on the door to my bathroom.  
  I was spinning around in out computer chair, on the phone. I fell off the chair and hit my head on the trashcan underneath our desk. Then later on (after a trip to Wal-Mart) I realized there was this big red line,indentation on my forehead, and I thought people were looking at my new haircut.  
  Some peoples glass is 1/2 full Some are 1/2 empty  Mine has no bottom, I just keep pouring, and pouring, and pouring, and...  
  Back in high school my girlfriend and I had to still sneak around as her parents really never took a liking to me.  So this one night we were fooling around on their living room couch.  We were both totally nude as we hear the front door begin to open in true teenage fashion I manage to get out of the back window and get dressed before anything bad actually happens.  That night I get a phone call from my girlfriend and she explains the conversation that happened later that night.  She came back from walking the dog or some shit, only to find her parents standing around the dining room table with one of the couch cushions laying on the table.  They then say, "John, what does this cushion smell like to you?" "It smells like vagina, Carol"  Needless to say I never went back over there.  
  there used to be a retarted lady named denise who worked at mcdonalds.  usually they didn't let her near the food, but when we were really shortstaffed, they let her make fajitas.  she was very careful about making them exactly right.  one day i saw her drooling in the fajitas.    i almost threw up, but to this day i still order mcdonalds fajitas.  a little drool never killed anyone.  
  I lack inspiration. I've been sucked dry like a tube of toothpaste. ...Not that you really suck toothpaste. I mean, you might, but I don't. Not that there'd be anything wrong with you if you did. ...You don't do that, do you? There might be nothing wrong with you, but we'd all think you're really strange. Coz u know, u suck toothpaste, and most people wouldn't do that. Most people, except for you.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to the fine arts theatre, (spelled with the English "re" too), paid 7-9 dollars for a movie. that is 3-5 dollars more than what one should pay in Kansas City. being a human, i had to pee. so i went to the restroom, and looked straight ahead. i saw a sticker on the urinal. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM EATING THE URINAL BISCUITS a urinal biscuit (for girls who have never peed in a urinal) is a small cake of chemicals that smell, despite being pissed on day in and out. so, was there a problem with the urinal biscuits being eaten, to facilitate the need to put the sticker on? or were they just being cautious? either way, gross  
  one time while living in a rat infested, farm house in the middle of nowhare.the woman who owned this house had a tendancy of collecting strays, stray cats, stray dog, stray people...well i was one of the strays. to earn your stay you had to do chores or give money, or even drugs. usually drugs. well there was one morning after I'll never forget, it was the morning I woke up nesled between my ex and my landlady. we were all naked, and my pubic hair was missing. I don't think any of us remember that night.   
   Have you noticed that most of the buyers of GI Joe action figures are men aged 30-40 (who were kids when GI Joe orginated in the 60s)?       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I picked a 'hat trick' booger today. It was green, had a speck of blood in it, AND a hair stuck in it. Damn tasty, too..   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to this party once and drank a lot.     Later that night I puked in their toilet and then went outside for some fresh air.    Fifteen minutes later, my friend who I went to the party with came out and handed me my glasses and said, "Here, I found these in the toilet while I was peeing."  I put them on and enjoyed the rest of the night.  
  I was at a frat party once where this girl was giving head in a bathroom stall to anyone who wanted it.  There was a line of about 10 drunken frat boys waiting outside the stall.  Turns out it was my friends 16 year-old sister, and he had no idea she was at the party.  He was in line...  
  i bought a "smokeless ashtray" from spencers...i can't smoke in the house or mom will bitch...so i'm lazy ya know and i'm layin in bed smokin...mom comes in i can tell your smokin..blah... anyways few days later i'm in the bathroom a friend always told me that if you steam up the bathroom you can't smell the smoke..ok i have a fat joint... hmmm... light it up sit naked on the edge of the bath..smokin... ha finish come out..no smell... bad thing is i left the roach in the bathroom.. mom found it...i'm too lazy to walk out side..  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Waiting for a train after school, we were amazed to witness the outburst of an obviously deranged man. He had been calmy sitting on the seat next to us, when he suddenly jumped up. "There's a lot of pus around my arse, there's a lot of pus around my cock, there's a lot of pus in the world". After that beautiful verbal presentation, he sat down as if nothing had happened, leaving the rest of us completely bewildered.  
  so I just had one of those really cool rapid fire farts-   you know, when you are on the stairs, and with every step comes a satisfying pop.   Well I was really enjoying it and as I got to the top I let one last beauty.   And then the cute sales girl behind me asked me to quit blocking the landing.  Damn.    
  One of my earliest memories is a phrase written in spray-paint on a brick wall near my dad's old office.    "KOOL is a smoothie."  I often lay awake at night wondering just what the hell that means.  
  in a drunken stupor of early twenties youthful boisterousness, I stumbled back into my apartment with my roommate playing "gyruss" on the archaic nintendo machine.  to distract her I rolled up a wad of the ever present, impossible to clean cat fur on the couch and promptly ate it about 2 inches from her face.  she was distracted, and I now know why cat's cough up hairballs...  
  Summer 2002, the downturn of the American computer industry has led to me being 'downsized.'  After my month of severance pay is up, I have realized there are no computer jobs to be found in this Gawd-forsaken Midwestern town.  Reluctantly, I go crawling back to the pizza joint I was working at four years ago.    After four years behind a desk, I really had to get back in tune with doing menial restaurant labor.    I knew I was in trouble when the squeeze-crank on the mop bucket flipped up and cracked me in the right nut.    Menial Labor: 1,  Starhawk: 0.    
  "I never get seasick," the elderly British woman said gleefully to me in the passengers' lounge, "but my son can't sail at all. He's taken two Dramamine already!" Half an hour later, on the hovercraft in the middle of the Channel, she was puking her guts out while he slept.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Still touring Scotland with my American fiancee and her sister, we stop for dinner at a tourist trap restaurant.  Walking in, sister asks: "What was your favorite Scottish food when you were growing up."  Me: "Stovies."  Sis: "What's in those?"  Me: "It's a wee bit hard to describe..."  However, we soon discover that the special of the day is:   Traditional Stovies  A subtle blend of potatoes, onions, and beef fat.    I hate tourist trap places, but I can't argue with their description of stovies -- that's exactly what's in them.  The two women think this is the funniest thing in the world, and start riffing on about: "Eiou, not quaite  subtle  enough -- I think perhaps a little more  beef fat .  They gigglefest their way off to the bathroom. To salve my wounded pride, I yell at their backs: "Well, we put lots of salt and pepper on them!"  That didn't help, either...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Was discussing with a fashion friend about life and asked "Why is alway evilness dressed in black?" and he replied "Because Evil is aways fashion-consious"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i spent eight years under the constant surveillence of nuns then four years with the omnipresent franciscans then three years with the jesuits learning about the jesus guy and buddha and shintoism taoism judaism pick an ism any ism wow the human being is a scared little bastard heaven is hell if you are oppressed by something in your mind if there is a god it sure wouldnt want us fucking each other up in its name crusades my ass hint if theres monetary gain involved it aint god       
  i have a vibrator that's not really a vibrator at all, but a back masager that you have to plug into the wall.  the unfortunate thing here is that all the outlets in my room are full because of my endless amount of video games and other nerd-related paraphanalia.  so, i have to plug it into my computer's power strip.  i used to think this was completely normal until i really stopped to think about it one day.  god, it's good to be a nerd.  
  I'd just come out the shower, and my dad says to me, "Hey, you got a date tonight or something?". I answer that i'm not doing anything. He replies, "Oh, it's just the you were in the shower."  Bastard.  
  to the guy who got genital warts from his ex from a one-nighter 4 years after the breakup:  sucker.  
  He dumped me.  Broke my heart.  Two days later he called to inform me a spider had bitten the end of his dick.  Said it was swollen and discolored.  Apparently, karma will bite you in the ass OR the dick.  I got back together with him.  He'd been punished enough.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Thought I'd stop by my boyfriend's shop and found it odd that the door was locked.  I was able to see through the blinds that he was using the shop-vac to give himself head.    A few days later, I was less than pleased to discover that he had moved the shop-vac to his apartment -- with its wooden floors.    So I'm competing with the shop-vac. Do I suck or not suck enough?  
  i was sitting next to my boyfriend in the movie theater when the "two towers" preview came on. suddenly, i see his mouth open wide and his eyes roll back into his head.  i've seen him make that face before, but not while watching a movie.  
  You know, sometimes I read these lowbrow moments...  You know, the ones that involve alcohol, sleazy sex, bodily fluids, and near-strangers.  Or the ones that involve teenage feats of derring do.  Highjinks!  Blood Feuds!  True Romance!  ...and I think "Maybe I should loosen up some."  
  The highlight of my day today was waging war on the bugs that have just appeared all over my house and garage.  You know the black ones with red on them. "Box Elder Bugs" some call them. Spawn of Satan I call them.  I walk outside, a super soaker in one hand and bottle of Ajax dish soap in the other. A 1:1 ratio of water to soap seemed sufficient.  It quickly turned from a quick extermination into a battle. Standing in front of the garage screaming obscenities as I snipe individual bugs. Some fly at me in a kamikazee attack and are cut down.  Once inside I found a single bug that had clung to my pants. I dropped him in the toilet and watched him drown.   Thats what you get when you mess with me fuckers.  
        Sitting beside my friend (who shall remain nameless), we got to talking about females for a brief time. Soon after the conversation started, he made a rather peremptory (not to mention disturbing) comment, that being "I like one legged women, for easy access". Come to think of it...he may have a good point...  
    My rather mature for her age fifteen year old sister keeps getting crank calls from some twenty-nine year old that thinks the California Criminal Courts are his biggest worry...       
  Not only has lowbrow influenced my life (don't lie people, you know it does), it's influencing my friends who have no interest in the site.  Due to my occassional retelling of moments to him, always beginning with "i read this on lowbrow dot com", it somehow infiltrated his psyche, and he said 'lowbrow', instead of what he should have said, in a very public situation.    I started retelling another moment to him tonight (about cat litter, lube, and razors) he stopped me and said "DO NOT SAY LOWBROW TO ME ANY MORE, EVER!  even if you did read it there, JUST SAY YOU READ IT ON THE INTERNET! OKAY!  STOP SAYING LOWBROW".  He's suffering from passive lowbrowing.  Someone around you lowbrows.  
   Mucous  This isn't just a cold. My entire brain is dribbling out of my nose and I can barely stand or see straight. Having no brain, I decide I'd like to make some nice soup to cheer me up. I make up a recipe.  (Much later, looking at the ingredients I got, I can't imagine anyone managing to make soup with them.)  Anyway, I go to the supermarket and lean heavily on the cart as I walk around. Last thing is corn. I park the cart, get the corn, and wheel myself to the cutest checkout girl. She looks at me  very  strangely. I slowly realize that there is nothing in my cart but squashed cardboard boxes and packing material. No sign of the corn, either. I stagger back to the frozen food section, wobbling around and leaning on the wall. Takes me five minutes to find my actual cart. No sign of corn there, either. I'm so stupid I try to find it, wheeling myself around. The corn has vanished into some inconceivable invisible quantum state. I get more corn, and on my way back to the cutest checkout girl, my brain kicks in for a second and I grab myself a can of soup. Now all I have to do is find my way back home...  
  Singing in an eighties coverband in a bar in a stripmall in Pacifica.        
  I always WITHOUT FAIL get my period on important days. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. I think it does a little rescheduling to make sure it's always on time. Got it the day I was proposed to as well. Obviously, this does not bode well for my marriage/honeymoon either. Might as well just start planning around it right now and save myself some trouble.  
  13, the county fair..i lure a young lass across the street amongst piles of rock, constant patter about flintsone village and whatnot.....we fuck slowly and joylessly for hours i go home, walk in the door, my mother asks me "what is that all over your shorts?"  i am covered in blood. It looks like i murdered someone with my dick.  that was the night i knew that the "shit happens " tank top  really was lucky.  
  You know how there's the pencil test for boobs?  If you can stick a pencil under your breast and it stays you've got decent boobs.  Well, I pass the fucking soda can test.    My back hurts.  
  Outside Slim's in SF before the Built to Spill show.  I'm wearing my hipper-than-thou "Hi, I'm Elvis" t-shirt.  The auburn-haired cutie says, smiling, "You're Elvis?"  Me:  "Uhh... Are you talking to me?"  She smiled at me again, inside, but I couldn't even look at her.  I'm so lame.  Elvis would've scored.  
  When I was five my mom told me God was everywhere. "Even in the toilet?", I said.  Haven't beleived in God or trusted mom since she tried to pull that shit on me.  
  My Brazilian friend Alex and I were swapping stories about sharp-tongued girlfriends.  Sure, by the end of the night I had topped him several times, but he had a few good ones.  Like the girlfriend who visited Portugal and went to dinner with distant relatives.  (Seemingly, the Portugese like to make fun of Brazilians)  When the whole table joined in ribbing her mercilessly about why the U.S., and not Brazil, had become the most important country in the Americas, she finally put down her fork and said:  "Listen closely and I will try to explain to you why Brazil did not become the most advanced and important country in the Americas.  "Brazil was colonised by Portugese."  
  I invented masturbation. Really. No one had ever told me anything about it. No mentors, no advice, no instructions. Fourteen, sitting in my room alone, I invented masturbation. It felt good, then it felt better. Then it felt better than anything I had ever felt in my life. Then all this weird, cloudy, sticky stuff that I had never seen before erupted from my penis. I immediately felt guilty... Sound familiar, 'Browers?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         read a scientific article the other day, said that human male semen contains pheromones that trigger erotic feelings in women. it said exactly where to apply the semen for maximum placement. (behind the ears, and on the wrists, just like perfume)... first of all, ew. second of all, im gonna have to try that.  dont even get me started on wondering if the scientists do it too.  
  she looks better now, than (you) will at 25, 30, 35, 40 etc. untill you die.  does that make it wrong that she's 14?  do *you* eat rotten fruit?  
  I told him in no uncertain terms, "If you don't show up to take me to the airport, I will pee on your bed."  Two strip clubs, several giant draft beers, and 3 hours later, I awaited his return.  I had to do it.  I told him.  I PROMISED.  It was a long and healthy piss.  All over his pillow.  A very long piss.  Years later, I feel a little bad.  But only a little.  I told him.  
  is this an addiction?  i bought a full wireless setup so i could read lowbrow from my laptop while on the shitter.  
  I have a two inch scar on my chin from when I was 5 years old.  I was chasing a girl in kindergarden, when I slipped and smacked my face on the table that separated us.   I never caught her.  You'd think I would have learned from that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friend and I stumbled into an art gallery, where the recption was being held.  There were dozens of art types standing around discussing the sculptures and stuff on the walls.  There was a single bathroom, which my friend went into, but couldn't find the light switch.  Someone stepped in line behind me.   "Is there a reason that the lights are off?"  "I dunno.  I think it's a statement."       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I purposely expose children to as much onscreen violence as possible.  This way, they will be completely desensitized to it by the time they're 14  and therefore better prepared for high school.   
  So I'm trying to sleep on the sofa bed with two other people.  One is a guy I just met.  The other, a girl who happens to be a good friend of mine and also just met this fellow.  I wake up in the middle of the night to find them tryting to have quiet sex next to me.    They could have at least checked to see if I was asleep... or offered me a chance to join in.    I mean, my girlfriend sleeping on the loveseat didn't even notice.   
  Back when i was a freshman there was this real douschbag everyone hated named Cliffard. Apparently he was the only 17 year old still a freshman, and he was damn proud of it.  We were sitting in my first "hour" (that means period but these fuckheads in kansas are so fucking stupid :D) and he had 2 bottles of pepsi or mountain dew, i cant remember, and was drinking them.   I bet him $5 he couldnt drink a whole one in 5 minutes, so he accepted and the whole class got around him and started cheering him on. He got through about half of it and started to look really sick....  Then he finished it off right at the 5 minute mark, and i said it didnt count cause there was still foam in the bottle, the teacher backed me up and i got his $5.   Then he threw up on the teacher.  
  One time when I was about 5 or so, at my friend's house (who was a little older than me) I unexpectantly shit my pants.  Staying somewhat calm, I secretly climbed the stairs in my friend's house to her room.  There, I stole one of her panties and, not knowing what else to do, threw *my* panties in her closet, shut the door, and got the hell outta there.   
  Whenever I finish making love to my girlfreind, I'm always worried that, if I'm on top, my weight might make her uncomfortable or give her trouble breathing when she's already so out of breath.  It has occurred to me that she might view my speedy roll to the left as a rejection of sorts.  I wonder...       
  how i prove that people still declare themselves as english majors to this very day  i click away at lowbrow until i find the one that thinks the shit i write is postmodernist whatever themuthafuck that  is   
  Carl Budding   Smoked  Sliced  Chopped  Pressed  Cooked  Chicken looks much like I would expect Smoked, Sliced, Chopped, Pressed, and Cooked people to look. It's even about my skintone  
  when I grandfather died my grandmother took it pretty hard and died on the morning of his funeral. This left us with a double header and a shortage of pallbearers.  I got an insight into the industry during the pre-service pep talk.  "Always carry the box.. using the wood parts for a grip.. the handles are just metallised plastic and will snap off.. spilling the stiff onto the floor" ..  shit.  Next time you are at one.. take a close look at the guys. Is it a cheap affair?  Also.. hearing the top 40 leak into the PA during the service is a bit of a low moment.  
  Far more powerful than the headache excuse: 'I have cramps.' If men are afraid of anything, it's menstruation. It works, and they don't even keep track of whether or not it's been a month.  
  At my highschool people often stand on the sidewalk handing out flyiers as school lets out. Since the school doesn't own the sidewalk they can do this legaly and distribute, abortion, church, or porn propoganda.  One of the funniest instances of this was when people were handing out pocket bibles. Some people had red ones and some had green ones. A kid I know went up and said he wanted both colors, he then proceeded to get as close to the guy as possible and scream "JESUS IS A LOAD OF SHIT" before ripping the bibles in half.  The funny thing was one of the church guys had a video camera i guess to capture any misstreatment of them on camera. He caught it all on tape.  
   The motto for Pizza Orgasmica:  "We never fake it."  Only in San Francisco       
  Bad:  Discovering your landlord uses a peanut butter jar to store piss.  Worse:  Not knowing what it is, opening it, and having the smell hit you like a punch in the face.  
  i only take showers because i know i will never get laid if i dont take them. but if i am not going out into public, i will often skip a shower. i once went 4 weeks without one, i would have went longer, but the itching was incredibly annoying. i wish it was like the 1700's, where you were accepted even if you smelled like shit.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Ever since the first time I saw "Win Ben Stein's Money", I knew I had found my calling.  I watched the show every night, calling out the answers, yelling at the contestants, played the online game for hours on end, etc.  When the show wasn't on, I read articles with useless trivia, played Trivial Pursuit, "You Don't Know Jack", and other thinking games.  I memorized dates and names and relations and countries.  I did everything I could think of to expand my knowledge and brain power.  I was going to win Ben Stein's money, dammit!  They had a website featured at the end of each show that you could visit to sign up to be a contestant.  When I felt my training was complete and I was ready, I dialed up, clicked on, and signed up.  Well, a few months went by, and I came home one day, found a message on my answering machine from Secretary A at "Win Ben Stein's Money", telling me I had qualified to be in the audition.  I jumped for joy, knowing that my 15 minutes of fame were on their way, and my life goal was going to be accomplished.  You see, Ben was no match for this lean, mean, thinking machine, and I could pummel him into the ground with my mental machismo.  I quickly scribbled down the directions to the location, along with the date, time, and the person to contact; within minutes, it had been transferred to all the calendars in the house that I use, including my notebook thing at Yahoo.  My challenge having been accepted by Ben Stein, I continued to hone my thinking, sharpen my wit, and temper my comprehension so I would be in tip-top shape for our duel.  I began to listen to Mozart more (scientifically proven to increase thinking), started eating somewhat healthier, and cut back on the pot.  I wasn't going to let anything stand in the way between me and Ben handing me that $5,000.  My nerves hardened to steel, my brain like a bear trap, my spirits soaring, I left my home the morning of my audition.  Wearing my lucky shirt (any amount of preparation can be assisted by a lucky shirt!), I proceed to San Francisco, and to the Ramada Hotel in which my fate will be determined.  I get to the Ramada Inn on Market St.  Full of confidence, I amble up to the counter and ask for the room where the auditions for "Win Ben Stein's Money" are taking place.  A blank look was all it took to shoot me out of the clouds.  "Umm, there aren't any auditions that we know about here..."  After a discussion with the clerk regarding other Ramada locations, I floor it to the 7th street Ramada, and then the Lombard St. Ramada, both with the same results.  Discouraged, downtrodden, and now 2 hours late for the audition, I drive home to get the phone number for the production company for the show.  I call up, push the buttons to get to the audition line, and listen to see if I have the wrong day or what.  "Auditions being held today for 'Win Ben Stein's Money' at 2pm at the  Radisson  Hotel in San Francisco."  Maybe I won't be winning his money after all...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sister mary flappin sandals and sister hotdoglegs used to berate me on a regular basis piety and the promise of a less than certain heaven aside at least i got laid        
  it is christmas day and my family is watching montel.  
  i saw this guy in a nice business suit walkin down the street at like 8 in the morning.  he had what looked like 3 dozen cupcakes cradelled in his arms.  how badly i wanted him to fall.   frosting is a bitch to clean up  
  Everytime I get sick, my girlfriend treats me lika pariah and runs off from me. So I do what I always do when I get mad at her, look at pornsites and jerk off until she calls back, so we can settle it and have sex. Anyway in my second whack off session. I recieve an email from her. I proceed to reply back and we then spend the next 20 minutes arguing through email. The lowbrow part of this is that we both live on the same campus and her apartment is no more than 10 seconds from mine.  I'm so non confrontational.  
  My friend, a giant Swede and I, burning through a case of Michelob, decide to go out for ramen. We hit this little place, go in, place our orders, and I'm already feeling queasy. I sucked down my monster bowl of ramen and suddenly, the room seems a little too small, a little too warm, and I feel a little too dizzy. I manage to make my way out of the shop before blowing a gallon of ramen all over the sidewalk outside, then falling to my knees and retching into the gutter. The shop owners were NOT happy. Not happy at all. Especially as the old man stood there hosing my dinner off of the entryway to his establishment in front of numerous pedestrians.  The giant Swede apologized profusely, paid our tab, and then hoisted me under his arm and got me the hell out of there.  
  Grocery shopping with my brother, and he's pissed because the store manager made him put on his shirt. So as we walk up and down the aisles, he takes several items from aisle A and deposits them in aisle B, and so on. Pokes holes in bags of rice and spaghetti. Breaks the safety seal on some jars.  But then he stops at the checkout to pay for some beef jerky he'd eaten while wandering the store.  "Hey" he says. "Gotta respect the jerky."   
  You ever listen to one of those callers on radio or tv shows where their voice is all warbley and they say "um" alot? I don't think they're nervous or anything, I think they're just jerking off.  It's like secret audio exhibitionism.  Not that I know anything about that...  
  15 and horny for anything I jacked-off in the parakeet aviary while my foster mother hung laundry on the line pretending not to see me.  
  Fun thing to do to take the edge off dealing with the various assholes you meet at temp jobs: Fake interest and find out a story from their past, then write their name, phone number, and a hint of that story in any and all bars you visit. "Jasmine- 555-1234- ask her about her "kitten" Muffy. "    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of my roomates would leave all of his empty lighters throughout the house so he could watch us franitacly try lighter after lighter. I started to leave empty packs of cigarettes about the house. His lighter pranks stopped.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The 'Brow Leaks Back Into My Life #4  Phone rings.  Young woman: "Hello, is Mrs. [my wife's surname] available?"  Me: "Not at the moment."  She: "Are you Mr. [my wife's surname]?"  My wife and I have different surnames, so when somebody calls me that, it's a sure sign they are a hated telemarketer, so I take my cue from a recent posting on the 'Brow:  Me: "I'm her husband. What colour are your panties?"  She: " What? "  Me: "I figure you want something from me, so in return, what colour are your panties?"  She, sputtering: "Your wife is my professor! How  dare  you!"  
  I want to be apprenticed to Limbo. I think my days would be better spent listening to his Scottish accent and wisdom than the unintelligible foreign accented ramblings of some professor that currently fills my days. Where can I sign up?  
  "Here Leah, put some of this jizz on your nose" My father says as he passes me the sunscreen.   
  it's the first week of the new semester, and there's a new drummer in our class.  most of us know eachother from the previous semester, but this guy's new. and he has one arm. so he gets up to play, and Andy (he's about 50 years old), who hasn't yet introduced himself to the one-armed guy, goes "Hey, next time don't forget to bring your other arm to class." and starts laughing hysterically. the class goes dead quiet, and stares at him in utter disbelief.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met this guy in a bar in Californina. He looked just like Johnny Depp.  He sent me an email when I got back to NY and asked if I could get him a "Jobby-job". California just lost its appeal.    
  I'm at my friend Maggie's house, when all of a sudden her dad comes bursting in her room. We're like, what the fuck is going on? He's got a bag in his hand, but we can't see what's in it. He starts yelling at the top of his fucking lungs about the dangers of drug use and shit like that. He says, "Maggie, what the fuck is this? I found it one of the kitchen cabinets, next to the coffee cannister! Don't you know what this stuff will do to you? Blah, blah, blah" Well, Maggie and I are just sitting there, like, what the fuck? He finally holds up the bag and throws it on her bed.  What was it? A bag of catnip.  
  For my birthday my friend bought me a book entitled "am i wierd or is this normal" as a joke. Looking through the book as if i would learn soemthing from it i came across a picture of the female genitals.. in total shock of what i had just saw i screamed out "i didnt know girls had pee holes!" .........i thought i was the only one who didnt know :( guess i should have payed more attention in health class  
  I keep getting that "enlarge your penis" spam over my mail account. Today, it even comes in pills...  And I wonder: What the fuck do I need to enlarge my penis for, if I never even fucking use it??  How about pills to make women lets bitchy, shallow and greedy???  those, I would give a fuck about.  
  I say that I don't believe in premarital sex. What I really mean is that I'm 25 and still a virgin.   
  sometimes i feel like answering those "shot in the dark", desperately-seeking-susan kind of ads in the Chronicle,  pretending wholeheartedly to be some chick some guy saw at the grocery store buying cereal.  
  I used to hang around with older friends when I was 12 or so.  One time they asked me, "Are you a virgin."  I said, "No, I'm a Leo."  They proceded to laugh hysterically, taunt me endlessly, give me an undie ripping wedgie and throw me in a thorn bush.  That's what I call learning the hard way.  
  These women at my work were blabbing on all day long about their stupid "points" they're allowed in their diets. "Oh, that has too many points." or "Oh, that only has one point!"  Then I finally shook loose an intelligent response, "Shut your fat mouths!" I think they got that point.  
  a coworker once asked me if i've ever been bumhopping.   i asked "what the hell is bum-hopping?"  he said,  "its when you find a bum, and start running toward him really fast, and at the last possible moment, jump over him. scares the shit out of them."  the sad thing is, i thought it sounded like a really good idea at the time.    
  My dad and I are in a convenience store buying some beer or gas or something. Up at the counter is  a lady furiously scratching scratch ticket after scratch ticket while her muddy-mouthed kid begs her teary-eyed for a thing of milk.  
  Last night, after four pitchers on top of the two pints I had while wating for my friends, we managed to stumble our asses home. On the way, we dented the hood of a news van with a road cone, set up those construction sawhorses around a parked minivan, puhsed a port-a-potty into the street and finished up by urinating on the doorhandles of my old high school.  While I'm letting go on the door, Jon's peeing all over the handset of the pay phone outside. He got a little into the change return slot as well.  Next time you use a public phone or open a door, remember us. You don't know what occurs in the wee small hours of the morning.  
  It takes 23 muscles to make a frown....  but only 4 to reach back and pimp slap your fucking ass.  
  I'm working in Providence for the week.  I go out to lunch with co-workers at the office.  One of them tells a story about the first date with this woman...  She tells him that she has a parrot and she thought the parrot was lonely.  So she decides in order to alleviate its loneliness, she finds its parrot penis and she JERKS IT OFF.  What could possess someone to do this?    Now whose lowbrow moment is this?  Hers for doing it?  His for being told the story?  Or mine for hearing the story from him?    
  quick update if you are on you computer for eleven hours  the machine does own your ass just an fyi to shut the fucker off once and a while mostly to myself        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A piece of advice: Make sure you meet a guy's immediate family before you start talking in line at the groceries store about what a great lay he is, because the woman behind you could be his mom.  True story.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My gf can't function while I go down on her. If I touch her while she's trying to do something else, she loses all concentration.  So she's perplexed by my ability to type, talk on the phone, order a pizza, or whatever while she's giving me head.  She believes I'm just good at doing two things at once.  I love her too much to tell her she is just not very good at it.  
  I have the body of a god.  That god is Buddha.  
  My birthday was on March 12th. As I'm hacking away at a frozen chocolate swirl cheesecake in my underwear, one of the cats takes it upon herself to puke all over the floor.  Happy birthday to me.  
  regurgitated philo one oh one so due to the fact that we all perceive things very differently there are no such things as fact merely perceptions descartes basicaly took it a step further and said since i perceive you you exist but if i dont you aint there cogito ergo sum ok so if this is all my perception and exists only because i perceive or believe i perceive there is one comment i am one dumb motherfucker cancer great idea you frekking genius         
  I've learned two things today  1. My cat can fit in an oven 2. My cat does not LIKE being in an oven  when the scars heal i'll see if it prefers dishwashers  
  Not my moment -- a recent news article about some poor couple: When she went to the emergency room, complaining of feeling really sick, and when it was discovered she was full of arsenic, the cops immediately arrested her husband. She: "Don't be silly. I know him -- if he wanted to kill me, he'd just shoot me." He was held without bail anyway, and was only released when it was discovered he had the same level of arsenic in his blood. Turns out they'd just build a summer house, using pressure-treated lumber...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every now and then I take a trip to my Father's house in Florida.  He told me of  these  strange birds called  egrits.  Explained that they look like a horrid  mix of a pelican and a sea gull.   "Never  feed them." he tells me. "Or  they  will  bring friends and never leave.  They will shit all over everything  and beat  on the door until you  come out  and feed  them, if you're not  quick they'll walk right in the house."    "Sure  dad, whatever." I think to myself.  A couple of days later I hear this banging on the sliding glass patio door. I look to see  what it  is and it is  one of those dumb birds my dad was talking about! I open the door and start to go out, it tries to come in so I give it a littel bump withmy  foot to  push it off the deck. It  hisses  at me then  jumps   back up on the deck, hissing at me again.  Instincts take over at this point and I boot the  long  necked chicken sized bird  off the deck and over  the privacy  fence with the same powerful soccer goalie kick I used in highschool.    After  it thudded into the neighbor's yard, I heard an awful noise  of  an animal fight and realized  that  my  neighbor has a quite large and viscious German Shepard!   
   "Wow... where'd you learn that?"   Looking up at her ceiling, I reply, "Uh, high school?"  
   I was at a restaurant with a bunch of anal non-smokers. Luckily there was another girl in the group that secretly smoked and i could tell by the look on her face that she needed a ciggarette just as bad as I did. It was butt-fucking cold outside (about -10) so we decided to have a ciggarette in the bathroom. There were only two stalls so both of us went into the handicapped stall and closed the door. We were about halfway done with our ciggarettes when someone walked in. We quieted our conversation in fear that the stranger in the stall next to us was one of the anal non-smokers at our table just trying to piss faster so they can run back and tell their non-smoking buddies that some rude girls are stinking up the "womens facility." We were standing in silence smoking our ciggaretts diligently and as quietly as possible. The familiar sound of peeing filled the air. But then suddenly-It stopped. Faster then we could glance at eachother in confusion-it commenced. Then it stopped AGAIN! I think you can see where this is going. Except it lasted for 2 1/2 minutes. By this time my friend and i were tearing up with laughter so we burst out of the bathroom and back to our table Absolutely hysterical. The most anal of them all asked us what was "So absolutely ridiculous for us to be acting so immaturely when surrounded by such fine people"Yea shove it up your ass buddy-(is what i should have said) but instead i told him what Had happened in the washroom and ironicly it had the whole table in an uproar. Just as we were finished laughing Mr. anal's girlfriend comes back to the table.     Me: Where were you?   Her: Oh, I was just taking a little washroom break. What's so funny?   Me: Nothing...  
  My friend's dad served in Vietnam. He had some kind of injury that completely eliminated his sense of smell.  His son smokes pot on a regular basis in the room right next to his, door wide open.  The guy still hasn't figured this out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         sitting there in the silence in virginia at night near hawksbill and overnighting in the scrub this profound silence filled the cooling dark and my ears made up sounds just to fill the void see there are no people to reflect off of and no constant stuggle with humans to define you and hide behind you are you like it or not some people can lie through that too i guess but scrapes me down to brittle bone a herd of very tame deer strolled through they arent very reflective but their silence made me smile        
   At my highschool (probably every highschool) there are lots of drug deals. No matter how many times I see it, a bag of pot bigger than my fist always makes me wanna bust a nut.   One day, A few friends dropped by after picking up 2 ounces from some kid in town. After scaling it out in my room, my friend put it in his pocket and we went to the park to play hacky sack. After hacking for a while, my friends had an idea. We wrapped the weed up real good and started to play catch. We were running around and empty parking lot behind a warehouse, tossing a giant bag of pot, doing fancy, stoned shit like behind the back and over the shoulder catches. When one friend kicks the bag too hard, it opened and almost spilled its precious contense. We all ran for it in what seemed like stoned slow motion and luckily, no pot was harmed in the making of this lowbrow moment  
  When you see a little tiny pre-fab, or a trailer, with  literally  tons of Christmas decorations on the yard, in the trees, in the windows, on the roof, the mailbox, etc. you have to admire their dedication. You also have to seriously wonder where they store it all. I have seen volumes of crap that I know would not fit in cubic space of the buildings on the property. Do these people actually rent storage space?  
  You know it's time to shower when you stand to piss at a urinal, and you can smell your crotch just by opening your fly.  It's not a terribly bad smell, but don't expect to see any cream colored Nut Sweat little dangly trees for your car.  
  I think Samatha Fox said it best when she sang, "Naughty girls need love too."  And they do. I would know.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Living in a college town, one of my friends' and I's favorite things to do is watch the new freshmen look for things to do when they first get to town.  So, we were hanging out on my friend's porch ( right off of campus) when we see two girls walking down the hill towards us.  They're both decked out in their mini-skirts, low-cut shirts, high heels, and cute bags.  They're looking for a night on the town.  At first, it seems as though these girls are no different than the others that have walked past in the last hours, but then it happens: one of them trips on her cute shoe, and tumbles face forward into the pavement.  Then she rolls.  Twice.  Our laughter was unable to stifle and her ego is most likely crushed permanently.  
  Impromptu Haiku:  all those oreos  are like tainted snowdrifts  when I fucking puke         
  january '98 - 17 years old, working drive-thru at burger king on a friday night, a BEAUTIFUL girl asked for my phone number. i wrote it on the reciept and threw in a bunch of extra food (smooth, right?). so she called me later on. we talked briefly, but i was watching fargo and cut the conversation short. the next night we talked for a few hours, during which she informed me that her father is a pastor and asked if i'd like to come to church with her the next morning. i don't do church, but at the time i was very much a virgin and this was the first girl that'd come my way in a long while, so i agreed. the next morning at church (keep in mind this is the first time i've seen her aside from the drive-thru window. she starts rubbing up on me in church, much to my pleasant surprise. we leave church, go get some fast food, then start making out in the checkers parking lot. she suggests we go somewhere else, so i, being the SMOOTHEST motherfucker that ever roamed the earth, drive (in my '86 Buick Regal) 1/2 mile down the road to a spot with little traffic, and proceed to lose my virginity... to the 15-year-old daughter of a preacher... whom i met while working drive-thru at burger king... just after leaving church... after a grand total of 2.5 hours of face time... in broad daylight... on the side of the road... in the front seat of my hooptie... only to be interrupted by a passer-by before 'getting my cookie'. see ya in hell.  
  When you can come up behind another guy, a stranger, and tickle him in the ribs while he's trying to take a piss in a public urinal, that's when you know you're secure with your sexuality.  
  Problem #34 with shitting at work. This one from my manager Paul.  "So I grab a magazine and head into the bathroom cause that double Big Mac is really starting to get to [read: through] me, and I sit down. I'm in there for about three seconds and some guy starts reefing on the handle! I yell  hey, there's someone in here!  but a few more seconds and he's rattling it again. It's a good thing it all came out quick 'cause I thought this guy was gonna bust in at any minute... he was that desperate to get in. So I finish up and walk out and the guy's standing there looking at me like an idiot. I fold my magazine under my arm and say 'Don't go in there, it stinks,' and walk away."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my seventh grade picture, I have braces, greasy hair, and a bleeding pimple on my chin.  
  He called me to tell me he didn't just want sex anymore, that he wanted more.....  He says: "So I was thinking I really want more."  I say: "You don't want to just fuck anymore?"  He says real excited: "So you don't think of me as a fuck buddy, you think of me as more then that??"  I say:  "We don't even talk, we just fuck, so no, yer not my buddy."  He says:  "Oh."  I guess that makes him a fucker? Anyway, he got the hint.  
  I bought some plastic cock rings from "Dr. Leonard's American Leading Discount Healthcare Catalog" so that I could lay some serious humps into this russian girl I've been seeing... as a free gift, I received a FREE American Flag Pin... how patriotic  
  a friend of a friend is going through certification to be a driver's ed instructor. lowbrow already. they have to buy thier own car for this. the teacher told him he highly recommends leather seats. because urine doesn't stain leather. one high school girl and one middle-aged foreigner have apparently vacated thier bladders in his car in a moment of panic. i knew there was a reason why i like to pull in front of student drivers and lock up the brakes, veer randomly and whatnot.  
  Moments from a Lowbrow Communist #1-     Okay, I had to do a reasearch paper in some class. It has to be on an author. Loyal communist that I am, I decided to go with the classic Mr. Karl Marx. Now... most public libraries carry The Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital. Most. In standard, politically moderate most of America. I live in a place I like to call White Central, USA. Sadly, they are the most well to do conservative Old Guard Republicans this world has ever had the displeasure of tolerating on it's surface. 7 libraries later, I finally find the Manifesto, in some back alley bookstore somewhere. The attendant is some hippie motherfucker who looks like he hasn't showered in weeks. So, I take the book up to the counter, and I pay for it. He shouts out at me, as I leave...  "Thanks you dirty Red bastard!"  I shouted back...  "The Communist Party thanks you for your contrubution!"  
  my vans got a blowout today i really like them wideass sneaks been wearing them for 19 years which i guess accounts for the odor        
  When you're going down on a girl, and you notice that there's a tiny bit of toilet paper stuck down there, is it better to try to discreetly remove it, or just to work around it and pretend it doesn't exist?  
  I attract a certain kind of man.  I attract the "stick with me baby and I'll make you a star" kind of man.  I attract the kind of man who spends more money on clothes than most women. A loafers and sports jacket kind of man. A "pret a porter? Not me!" kind of man.  I attract the sort of man who opens doors, pulls out chairs, stands up when I arrive, holds disconcerting eye contact for a long time and delivers unabashed complements without blinking.  I attract the sort of man who will never, ever, leave his wife.  I attract the sort of man who makes promises he could never believe that I think he will keep.  Sometimes I wish, in the courting and the chatting and the flirting and the promises and the standoff and the stalemate, sometimes I wish that kind of man would just be honest.  "I'm just doing this because I want to fuck you. I'll probably lose all interest in you a week after that happens mind, but I just really want to fuck you."  Oh, for that kind of man.  
  For the person who doesn't know the rules of casual sex:  1: If you get emotionally involved, you are dead. I mean that. It's rule one, and for my money, it's the only rule that really counts.  2: Call them at work and talk dirty. That's always fun. Especially if you catch them in a meeting. Or have sex in their dorm room. Or have cybersex. Get all wild and crazy with the handcuffs, too. You want to shit in his mouth, you go right ahead. It's all about the gratification.  3: Establish if they have a signifigant other. People with wives and kids tend to be a little more reserved. Until you get their pants off.  4: If you have a signifigant other, don't get caught.  5: Everything about the person except their genitalia becomes unimportant. Great taste in music? Whatever. Nice big rack? Now  that's  important.  6: Casual sex gives you leeway to be a bastard and not care. If you don't call her for a month and a half, that's perfectly okay. You are going for a booty-call, not a relationship. See rule 1.  7: If you're interested in any of the above, drop me a line. I'm up for it.  
  When I was a kid, my mom used to cut my hair, and my older brother was my role model.  I told my mom once when she was about to cut my hair, that I wanted it like my brother's:  short on top, long in the back.  Your classic mullet.  It was back in the mid-80s, and he was a heavy metal head.  Not out of place at all. When my brother came home that day, I said "Look! My hair is just like yours!"  It was the most pissed I had ever seen my brother, and everyone else in the house was laughing hysterically.  Nobody told me why. Next time I got a haircut, my mom said that my brother told her not to give me the same cut.  I almost started to cry, and asked her why. "Honey, that's not your brother's haircut; he's going bald." I still shudder to think that I used to have a mullet.  
  As the turd slowly and painfully crawled out of my ass, the words of my mother echoed in my mind... "You need to eat more ruffage."  
  More details on a temp job.  I am waiting for a client at the hotel bar. I am sitting next to a smartly dressed, extremely classy brunette. She is in her late twenties and is all business.   She is talking to a very distinguished gentleman in a tweed suit, wing collar and school tie. It is obvious this is the first time they have worked together. They spend my time next to them discussing various international cities and the dollar value of the jobs they did there.  I look at the elevator and out comes two men. One is male model quality. The other is a middle-aged executive type. Ms. Classy runs up to the executive and acts like he is a long lost lover. Mr. Distinguished has suddenly acquired a British accent.   Mr. Executive looks at me and starts to sweat. I leave with a grin on my face. You see, the day before he had hired me to type up a fake list of his personal assets.  They were running a con on him and he was lying about having the money they wanted. I wish I had the balls to walk up to that little group and spill the beans.  
  Look up. No, higher. Yeah, that s right, you are seeing a porno star with cheap-o glasses doing unspoken things to a member of the high council.  True story.  
  When I was 12 I was trying to perfect my Michael Jackson moonwalk on top of a slippery marble kitchen top counter and slipped, with one leg going down to the floor and the other staying on the bench I smashed my pelvis into the edge and split open my perenium. As I lay on the floor, blood staining my pants and still in shock, my older brother walked in, laughed, said, "Serves you right dorkball" laughed some more then turned off my Michael Jackson and walked out. Oh and there is more: when my parent came home that night they were mighty concerned and had a talk with my brother and then me, my mother began with: "Now, you know we love you very much, and if Seb (older bro) hurt you in any way today you know you can tell us right?" It has taken me many years to find this whole thing funny.  
  A fucking squirrel threw a damn acorn at me today.  And not one of those small, cute acorns.  A big motherfucking acorn.  I have a red mark next to my eye.   I swear the world is out to get me.  
  Talking about my friend's girlfriend's new nipple rings...  him: you seem to have a good grasp on my psyche...why do I like this? me: because you like boobs. me: and shiny things. me: and these are boobs with shiny things. him: it's that simple eh? me: pretty much.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I looked over the lake, I realized how silent it was. There was no sound but the paddling of geese and the hum of a distant power plant; I was alone. There was nobody around for miles. I scratched my ass.  
  My brother had a party.  This girl got drunk and started letting any guy who crawled into the back of this truck with her screw her.  On the third guy, a guy decided it was wrong, since she was drunk, and when the guy got out of the truck naked, he started shooting him with a roman candle.  The guy takes off, buck naked, into the darkness - and runs right into my brother's electified cow fence.    
  My friend and I have a natural sixth sense about the size men are.  We ve yet to surmise incorrectly. Most of the time this is comes in handy.  Occasionally it sucks is when you meet a really happening guy and head into it already knowing he s hung like a fruit fly.   
  A hipster, hair blond, ear pierced, sits at the bar chatting amicably witha guy in a white cardigan sweater.  "you can go to Egghead and get somesoftware free, Slipnet, AOL, whatever.  It does the rest."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  I met him in a chat room, but when I finally went to visit, he was a lot older and less attractive. He smelled funny. He was poor. He had a defeatist attitude and no fashion sense. Yet I fucked him anyway.  Pity fucks aren't that great, but I bet they look good on the karmic resume.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had a buddy who was a genius.  Really, a genius.  One day we're biking, me riding on the the handlebars.  He decides to steer by holding on to my elbows.  No sooner do I tell him not to than we're a combined heap of bicycle and fucked up people.  I then knew that intelligence and common sense were not related.  
  I wonder if, after a long day of 'enforcing the law', my father...exhausted...gun weighing heavy on his hip...upon gazing at the miserable little family unit he had found himself stuck with ever once, for just a fleeting instant, fantasized about pulling that gun and blowing every single one of us away.  Looking back and putting myself in his place, I would have.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In my Jeep Wrangler, towing a trailer, I was making a left turn when a woman in an SUV nails the brakes and plows into my trailer from the oncoming lane. She had been going too fast and slid on the rainslick pavement, as evidenced by her fifty-foot skidmarks. The trailer swung around and smashed into the front end of another SUV that was waiting at the intersection.  The cops took pity on the blubbering driver of the SUV that hit me, so wrote it up as though it was my fault. Whatever...  My enduring thought is that I took out two $40,000 SUVs with one $400 trailer. Fuckin gas-guzzling behemoth-driving bitches.  
  Where I live it was decided that the whole city is a bird sanctuary. No fucking with the birds within the city limits. Who decided this shit? How many drinks did they have beforehand? Unfortunately in my city there are Muscovy ducks. The South's version of pigeons. Fucking rats with feathers. They aren't even the really nice looking ducks that those wooden duck carvers base their work on. They are mottled and ugly with cancerous looking bright red growths around their beaks. They shit everywhere staining whatever is shat upon PERMANENTLY. They are EVERYWHERE and they are protected because some pansy ass motherfucker decided that they should be.  It doesn't stop me from aiming my truck at them when they cross the road. It also doesn't stop me from putting a .22 bullet in their ass once in a while.  Fucking ducks.   
  Christallmighty, when this guy up here crashed his plane in the mountains, they didn't find him for close to a year. They knew where that Kennedy kid was in like 12 seconds or something.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There's this Jabba the Hut of a woman that has lived down the block from my parents for years and years.  She's reportedly had diabetes and a string of ongoing maladies for as long as I can remember.  She's grotesque and smells of bacon and cigarettes when you talk to her.  Nonetheless, I have nagging premonition that she will outlive me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A while back I was at this small club for a drum & bass night when I ran into the ex-girlfriend of one of my best mates.  She'd got unexpectedly pregnant to my friend before he shifted over seas, and, well, we got to talking.   She told me that at the clinic they had found cervical cancer - she probably would have died if she hadn't got pregnant.   Later that night, as the tunes started banging and my E kicked in, me and her had cuddled on.  She left a little bit later feeling sick - she suspected that someone had spiked her drink.  I partied on.  That was a full night.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my brother and I went out to my family's house in the country on Halloween night, just to hang out after attending our friend's Halloween party.  I dressed as a vampire and he was a policeman.  We keep a bunch of musical equipment there, and that night we got drunk and I started playing the drums really loud.  The old lady who lived in probably the only other house around for miles came over to our garage and rapped on the door. When I opened it, she said "Do you realize I'm trying to sleep?"  I said with a serious face "Ma'am, it's ok, I've already notified the authorities, and they'll be here shortly to put a stop to my antics."  She was confused, but said ok and left.  I told my brother, who was still wearing his policeman costume, to start playing the guitar while I drummed.  Not five minutes later, the old lady came knocking on our door again. We opened the garage door, and my brother, still wearing the guitar around his neck, and after she yelled at us to stop the noise, said "Madam, if you don't leave these premises right now, I'll have to fine you for disturbance of the peace."  It was the first time I'd heard a lady over 50 say "Fuck you" to a cop.  
   So I emailed a bunch &#151; maybe ten &#151; of Lowbrowers, people who post here regularly, mostly 'cause I wanted to see which addresses were real.    I got several responses along the lines of "Don't try to sell me anything" or "Take me off your spam list" &#151; all, I guess, 'cause I emailed all of them at the same time.    That's it, geniuses: I'm the world's politest spammer. I'm emailing you  before  I flood your inboxes with ways to make your cocks bigger, just in case you're not down with that.   
  I work as a chemistry lab aide during one of my free periods.  One day there was a canister of some stuff labeled "Lithium" so I was like "hmm, thats the stuff that fizzles when i put it in water isn't it?" so i get a beaker of water, take a tiny piece of it and pop it in.  Nothing happens.  A teacher walks in and is like "you're not supposed to do any unauthorized experiments as a lab aide" so I get various talking downs from each one of the teachers that I do various experiments for. Kinda sucked.  Whats lowbrow?  The stuff I thought was "Lithium" was actually kitty litter.   
  My sophmore year, I worked in a butcher shop. The owners were three very dirty old men. They had porn in the shop on the top shelf. It only took me 45 minutes to clean the place, but I got paid for an hour and a half, the other time I spent jerking off in the bathroom to nudist porn from the 60's.  These guys also had me take chicks back into the freezer to see the cuts of meat. I never got why they all lined up outside the door to the freezer, until one day I happened to see a very attractive lady walk out of the freezer with very erect nipples....  I was young and innocent.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking to class today this car drove by me and from the passenger window came a yell.. "BIG BOOTY HO!!!!"   I laugh to myself and think, "I do not have a big booty..."    
  last night my roommate called his girlfriend his "favorite turd" to her face. she thought it was cute. i think they're retarded.  
  Man, I'm bummed out.  I was in the bathroom at work, but there was a guy at the urinal and I had to use the shitter.  I didn't get to see how we were doing at dissolving that little pink urinal cake today :(   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         women masturbate in the shower more so then men.  little known fact girls - male semen forms a kind of super glue when it comes in contact with water.  not the 'fun kind' of super glue either.  whatever the fuck that means.  
  Luck that would only happen to me: Putting $30 worth of gas into your piece of shit car, then having to write it off a half-hour later because someone T-boned you on your way out of the gas station.  
  Everytime my girlfriend asks me a question I answer with a lie.  I'm practicing for when she asks me if I've been fucking my ex.  
  When I was 13 my parents got a new answering machine. I thought I was pretty clever and started setting new answering messages. I thought I had erased the last one I did, but apparently I hadn't.  The next day my mom checked the messages. There were four new ones. Everyone said I know this is the Wilson house but I think someone messed with your answering machine, please check your answering message.  Turns outs everyone who left a message was greeted by my 13 year old voice saying "FUCK FUCK PUSSY PUSSY SHIT CLIT" over and over again for about 30 seconds...  
  A friend of a friend was shot in the foot in a Wal-Mart once by a vagina gun.    I call it a vagina gun because when the cops weren't looking, she reached into her vagina and whipped out a pistol.    And I always wonder, what if it had gone off...while still in her vagina?        
  yeah, i'm a hippie, a fuckin' tie-dye wearin', granola eatin', clove smokin', berkinstock wearin', long haired, vegetarian, beat poetry readin', hippie!        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So my mom says to me; "How is it that you don't have a job, yet you can still afford drugs (prior to my quitting weed)? I shot back; "How is it that you have full health insurance but you're obviously not getting the drugs you need?!"   She never asked me again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So today, after my cats knocked over the fucking garbage (the one in the kitchen AND the one in the spare bedroom), and i walked outside to get the mail barefoot, tracked dirt on the floor, and turned it into sludge when i accidentally dumped sweet tea all over the floor, and there's still blood in the sink from piercing my tongue, and the dirty dishes are piled so high in the kitchen that they are starting to stick together, and i haven't done laundry since being at my parents' house over christmas break so i smell like a homeless person from rural maine, i decided, i give up! i am going to live in filth and squalor! i am going to stop vacuuming up the kitty litter that my cats kick all over the place and instead grind it into the rug with my boots and say that i am making a zen garden in the living room. i am going to leave my articles of clothing lying all over the house. a different person will crash on my couch every night. there will always be loud, obnoxious music or musical instrument-playing or general industrial karaoke night, and sometimes "Let's Imitate Rozz Williams" night. when i run out of toilet paper i will just stick my lower half in the bathtub and rinse off, there, nice and clean and no trees have been killed. or i will use Rolling Stone. i will start gluing condom wrappers to my wall and throwing the used condoms out the window. i will be a nasty, dirty, broke punk who can't even fucking afford tampons, and i will be proud!  ok...what this is really about is, i'm just tired of cleaning.   
  Five of us in our Edinburgh "commune", down on resouces.  We empty our pockets, and all we have for the next week is 30 shillings ($5).  We want some dope, but we also need to eat.  I get the job of feeding us. I take 10 shillings, find a gunny sack, walk to the edge of town and out to the farms just beyond.  I find a potato field and fill the sack with potatoes until I can barely carry it.  I take the bus back to town, with my sack. Next, I scrutinize the supermarket aisles and eventually buy 4 cans of "Swedish Meatballs With Sauce".  Food for five for a week! We blow the rest on dope :-)    
   "do you want four or six?" the blond bartender with goofy glasses and a russian style fur hat said. "uhhh.... six, since it's 2 for 1, i guess." "i have a friend" she says, "who always says ' it's like twelve for the price of six!' HaaaHAhhaHAA."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  I put my pizza pops in the microwave for four and a half minutes (I have a crappy microwave) then I went downstairs to check my e-mail while I waited.   Someone had sent me an e-mail full of pornography. I innocently clicked on one of the sites.  Two and a half hours later I returned upstairs to retrieve my cold terrible pizza pops from my microwave. I had unintentionally spent more than two hours surfing pornography.  
   So this is for those of you that have left meat in the garbage in the sun... this story has some parts to it that aren't that stellar on their own but they fit together well to make a fun little lowbrow moment:  I cleaned out my fridge and found some pork chops that were way past "Sell by", they didn't look too good either so I threw them in the trash can outside.   Not giving thought to the fact that it's July in the central United States and, well, hot and sunny. A few days later I have to do something about the stench and flies. I take the lid off and instantly run back into my apartment, gagging from the horrendous stench - sort of ammonia-like together with the overpowering stench of decay. Some clorox-ing and bagging and gagging later I get the offending items wrapped up better and dragged to the curb.  I relate this story to a friend of mine that had served in the UN peacekeeping forces in Lebanon.  He tells me they frequently had to dispose of dead donkeys and horses that the locals just left by the roadside. Sunny, hot, dead horse rotting away ... the way they took care of this was to douse the carcasses in diesel fuel and burn them. But first they had to get some old tires under them so that they would burn up completely. Not the most pleasant of tasks I imagine.   Now for the funny part:  The locals bury their dead in little cave-like graves in the mountain side and close up the cave. The local custom, however, dictates that they open the graves five years later to inspect the dead. If the deceased in question was a good muslim, then there should be no flesh on his bones.   So they cheat.  They don't properly close the grave, they leave an air gap, so that the body will decompose completely.  This grave site is rather close to the camp where my friend served. When the wind was blowing in the right direction, it would carry the stench of scores of decomposing humans into their camp. That, and flies.  And he tells me: Now that you smelt your rotting pork chops, you know what a rotting human smells like.  Nice, eh?  
  i actually know guys named "T-Bone" and "Vinny"  
  Why is Trash only white?   
  After years of trading porn on IRC I've come to 3 conclusions concerning every sex act imaginable:  1. Someone, somewhere enjoys it. 2. Someone has taken pictures of it and those pictures are available on IRC. 3. Someone is enjoying that activity right now.  Think of the wierdest, most disgusting thing you can. Someone is doing that right now.  And they might work at the restaurant where you just ate lunch.  
      Something smells like fish...and it's not me.  . . Must be Lent.    
  I one had a hat with a tag that read "100% Unknown Fabrics" on the inside label. I often wondered what I was wearing, and if it would combust.  
  I offered a joint to a cop I met this weekend - she refused, but shared her bottle of OB sherry with me while I smoked. Later on, her sargeant and his deputy show up, and we all finish off two more bottles of cheap wine before leaving them to drive home way over the limit and high as a kite.   My god I love living in South Africa.  
  "Don't worry about a gun license or taking a shooting course. Just buy a shotgun.  If you're bothered again with someone trying to break into your house, just the sound of readying the gun will make the intruder run."  Wish I could type the sound that it makes. Very intimidating.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today, I wore a black thong under my denim skirt.  I took a huge, feeling-sick dump during the day, and apparently wasn't thorough about cleaning myself up.    Fast-forward to his mom's birthday dinner.  I had to go to the bathroom for the first time since the icky poo, and realize that my wedgie had gotten some on my thong.  :(  Rather than let my boyfriend discover it while seducing me, I took them off and threw them in the trash, and went back into the resturaunt.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         mr jaffee do you think that failure to define oneself in lessthan threedimensional terms along a continuum denotes non existence or an inability to see the forest through the trees big ol honkin questionmark do tell        
  I'm drunk out with a friend of mine and some of his female friends, he's drinking soft drinks cos he's got screaming kids the next day. I'm not :)  She complains that she's hot and my friend reaches into his drink, takes out and ice cube and drops it down her top.  It's a lose fitting summer dress so it falls to the ground.  'That's no good' I say and grab the front of her dress , cupping her brests at the same time. My friend again reaches into his drink and puts the cube down her top.  Thanks to my cupping the cube stays put, she's slightly taken back by this and is making 'oh oh' noises as it's understandably a bit cold.   I then use one hand to work the ice cube up the front of her dress until I remove it from her cleavage with my mouth.  'My names Gary by the way' I say introducing myself  
  7% believe the millennium begins 1/1/00.  14% believe the millennium begins 1/1/01.  79% believe the other 21% need to get a life.     --anonymous      
   Hula Girl  I have a fondness for really tacky things, like pink plastic flamingos and dashboard hula girls on springs. My dashboard hula girl is the genuine article - all the way from Hawaii (via eBay). I love when I give people rides and their opinion of me drops off a cliff, all because of my tacky hula girl. Come November, my wife and stepdaughter bring my van back from the mall, giggling their heads off. They won't tell me why. I shrug, get in the van, head out to the BrewPub. I glance over at my hula girl, and drive straight off the road. It must have taken them hours to find it all -- she's wearing a fur coat, big furry boots, ski goggles, and a big fur hat...  
  If you get a busy signal for three hours, it doesn't mean I'm chatty, it means I'm avoiding your pathetic calls to have me come in to work early. And you don't pay me enough to do that, or to get an answering machine, come to think of it.  You want fucking fries with that?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was home from college I worked two jobs.  One was at a Blockbuster.  I had just gotten off work at like 2:30 AM and a cop had pulled me over.  As soon as his spotlight hit me my head burst into immediate pain.  I had been working 15 hours.  A car matching mine had been "terrorizing residents".  I tried to explain that I just got off work.  I still had my Blockbuster shirt and name tag on for Christ's Sake.  "License and Registration."  30 minutues later, turns out it wasn't me after all.  Big fucking surprise.  He laughs and tells me he's got a movie to return tomorrow.  Maybe I can hook him up with a free rental.  I smile.  I gave him a 35 dollar late fee instead.  
  When I used to run long distance a lot (16-18), my undies would get this evil shit stain. I don't know why because I wipe my ass as best I can. I guess it goes to show that rectal leakage doesn't discriminate because of age.  
  Some urges should be completly ignored  Like the urge to pull that lever you just noticed your hand was resting on....while going 85mph  Parking Brakes are made for parking, nothing else  
  I work at a coffee shop.  My boss is trying to get the place moving again, after the invasion of Starfucks into my town.  Wants to make it a "family atmosphere" (Since when have you heard Mom say "come on kids! we're getting coffee!")  Within 5 months, I've had to call 911 more times since working at the coffee shop than I ever have in my whole life combined.  I didn't even call 911 once while working at the movie theaters that had been robbed something like six times, and I worked there for 3 years.  So, my question is:  Whose family is this for?  The cops'? or the drunk, ignorant, stupid little shits who like to come in and be retards?  
  My girlfriend had to wipe my jizz off her stomach with the sponge from the kitchen sink, every time my roomates wash the dishes we laugh.  
  This one turned my stomach:  Apparently, when cows are injected with hormones to produce more milk, it causes little sacks of puss to develope on the inside of cow's udders.  When the milk is squeezed from the cows teets, so is the puss.  Mmmm... Milk-a-does the body good... Pass it on.     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Also, don't be suprised if you are a guy and you wake up one morning and you have breasts...  
  lying in the surgeon's chair after having all four wisdom teeth brutally yanked, just beginning to emerge from the fog of general anesthesia...  kindly old doctor on one side, kindly old nurse on the other, concerned mom standing over me...  the room begins to come into focus, and what's the first thing i say?  "when can i have sex again?"  i remember, they laughed.  "about a week" says the doctor.    "cool"  say i.  general anesthesia don't lie.  
  as soon as i can find a store thatll sell me cowboy spurs that arent on some cracker-ass boots, im gonna buy em and put em on the heels of my 'old-skooler than thou art' adidas high tops....  
     sauntering through the bar with an old grandad in one hand and a poolcue in the other he sang sinatra top of his voice to the horror of all around him     
  When I was in my late teens, I was anorexic.  To this day, many doctors still deny the possibility that men suffer from eating disorders.  Whatever.  Anyways, that's water long under the bridge.  A little while ago, I met and was taking to a young woman.  During our conversation, we noticed that we were both speaking the secret language of former eating disorder sufferers.  So we approached the subject.  I asked her what she was in for.  She told me that binge -n- purge was her modus operandi and asked what my poison was.  I admitted that I had been a starver.  To which she replied, "God!  I always had so much admiration for the anorexics!".  I was sort of confused by her reply and asked why that was.  "Well jeez, anyone can eat and make themselves barf - but you motherfuckers have a stone cold self-control that is almost godlike".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i haven't told my girlfriend that i am in therapy.  
  Once, I was in a Diamond Shamrock getting gas, and the cashier was really hot.  He smiled, asked me how my night was going, etc.  I looked down, and realized that I had a huge dark spot on the crotch of my pants.    Lesson learned:  wear panties with tight pants, espectially if you haven't had sex in a while.  
  I used my cell-phone right next to the microwave while nibbling on a lead pencil and spraying disenfectant into the sink.    
  Grandpa had gotten himself into a nest of ticks.   Being covered in ticks is not a favorite thing for grandpa, so he wanted these ticks removed.  Sadly, most of these ticks had migrated to his ass.  Since he is an older fellow, I was blessed with the duty of removing the tiny ticks from his ass cheeks.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote in my truck with my best gal and my boy cal i am in heaven endquote        
  To the person who avoided the Calpis brand drink at the Japanese vending machine...you missed out.  But it doesn't REALLY turn into anything lowbrow until you return to your home country and customs asks you what you've brought back.  The look on the face of the poor old woman was priceless.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Girls and ladies:  When you invite any male co-workers to your home on purely non-romantic social occasions.  You should, of course, hide the contents of your panty drawer, but, much more important, you should ALWAYS hide your laundry hamper.  Or not, as you prefer...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We met at a policy conference, fell right into bed for three  torrid hours,  then burned up the email servers for three months til I could make up a reason to my wife why I had to be out of town for a weekend so I could fly 1500 miles to visit her.  My plane was two and a half hours late.  When I finally found her at the baggage claim,  she gave me a big smile, a bigger hug, looked deep into my eyes and said, "It's ok that you're late. While I was waiting, I was talking to the most amazing person who works here at the airport, and guess what? She helped me find Jesus."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         you can continue to hold on to your antiquated and unsubstantiated ideas about it and take a beating everyday trying to force the world to spin around the other way said he to me or you can just change your mind you are allowed you know i know my heads gotten flat on one side from banging my head against it but i would feel like such a ho if i gave up the fuck you dance now maestro  something with a speedy tempo this time elipses         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was bored one day and getting ready to leave for dinner with some friends and my room mate has his girl friend over so I decided to leave my webcam on and record the whole thing. Imagine my disappointment when I watched the play back and all they did the whole time was lay on his bed and watch a tape of Friends episodes. That's what you get for having an accounting major for a room mate.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I only went into the gas station restroom to wash my hands. I'd just changed my tire, so they were black with road funk. The bathroom was barely big enough for one person... a single toilet and a sink.  An older man (late 40's, balding) walks in without thinking to knock, notices me and freezes with eye contact. He looks away and backs out half way before pausing again.  Changing his mind, he comes in, whips out the other older guy and starts peeing right next to me... no more sign of shame.  God I hope he just really had to go.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Imagine that one day there was a heat wave that only affected certain objects. The weather was warm and calm, like before a hurricane, but all water - puddles and so forth - were blazing hot. A man walks towards  you holding something...suddenly he drops it in extreme pain. Its a roll of quarters. You try to pick it up but burn your hand. The man explains that all quarters are blazing hot and banks are trying to get rid of them, but the quarters are too hot to handle and as a result tongs are needed to pick them up. Thus tongs have become a valuable commodity...people are paying eight dollars and up for a pair of tongs strong enough to pick up a roll of quarters. No other coins are mentioned...  
  Monkey Logic  Suddenly it occured to me, "What am I going to do with this when I'm finished"  In a flash of brilliance the resolution comes to me. "Fling it".  ideas from the masterbating monkey  
  So I'm at Sav-On during noontime rush hour. I've got some shampoo, some handsoap, and I am the second in a line of about 20 with 1 register open.  The guy in front of me in line is a Rob Lowe look alike with a slight nervous jumpiness about him. I watch him peel his "Save 30 cents Now!" stickers off 30 little boxes he's put onto the register conveyor belt. So I look at at the boxes: ValHard, an herbal viagra substitute. When you're in line like this and there's a really hot looking guy buying 30 boxes of viagra substitute in front of you, it's really hard to supress that need for the humor feeling that overtakes you. You try to wipe the smile off, but cha can't, and it's all good, because the 5 people behind you are feling the same thing.  So we're in line, all 19 of us, and 1 guy with 30 boxes of Valhard. First, his barcode on the boxes won't scan. Heh. Price check over the intercom. It's like a B movie price check for Tampax. Then his "Save 30 cents Now!" coupons wouldn't scan. The manager had to be called over and he still couldn't get that cash register to stop beeping.   Just when I almost started to feel some compassion for the guy, the 45+ year-old woman behind me says to him, "Hey, does that stuff really work?," and God  love her, she was serious.   Mr. Valhard feeling an unimaginable level of humilation-based stress at this point quickly retorts, "I don't know. It's not for me."  The lady turns to me and says sarcastically, "Oh, sure, I've heard that before."  I lose it. I snap. I break. I erupt. Before I know it, an announcer's voice comes straight out of my mouth that said, "Valhard: So Powerful, it puts most major machines (as in the cash register) down for the count."  About 6 people behind me crack up. Valhard snaps at me, "They make it for women, too, you know." Heh.   The manager is still trying to input those pesky lil orange "Save 30 cents Now!" stickers. I imagine at this point that Mr. ValHard Kilmer in front of me is getting a little hot under the collar watching the Sav-On manager whip his little key dangling from that springy little phone cord wrist ring in and out of the register, with an increasing vengeance met with defeat that only this guy in front of me could understand.  I wait 3 seconds, look the guy straight in the eyes like I own him and say, "Trust me, honey, I don't need anything of that sort, believe me."   I expected him to get even more angry. Instead, he got quiet. His coupons finally went through and he grabs the top of his plastic bags of Viagra Substitute, and just when I think it's about to be over, he turns to me, shoots back his own imitation of the sexually domineering phase-you stare and hands me his card, then walks out.  As soon as his foot cleared the doorway and the electronic door shut, the entire store that had accummulated at the front erupted into laughter. I don't know whether it was nerves, or just the funniest thing that anyone could ever expect to happen on their weekday lunch break at Sav-On, but it felt so good to laugh. Then I looked down at the card and it shocked me.  It read, "Mr. Potent" and a phone number. :)   
  When you pull your undies up and the waistband comes off, it's time to start thinking about getting new ones.  
  This morning I spent my commute on a train that was packed with a bunch of preschool age children on their way to some sort of activity.  Part of this time was spent stuck in a tunnel.  The children just kept getting more and more restless.  I stood, back against the wall, head back, eyes shut, and the only way that I kept my cool was by repeating a little mantra to myself:  Thank god I'm gay......        
   Reasons Your Current Marriage Perhaps Shouldn't End #24  She's been very friendly lately. She drops by my motorhome on her way to the store. Asks if I need anything. I brazenly ask for a 6-pack of Molson (she thinks my beer drinking is the problem -- perhaps, but it might actually just be a symptom of the malaise.) I take my boy out to play pool. I'll spare you the details, though they involve a wonderful, stacked young barmaid* who happily plays with him, while I happily watch :-) On the way home, we spot a couple pushing their car across an intersection. I notice a very young baby in one of the car seats. So of course we stop to help. Push them several blocks. They thank us, and ask if I know anything about clutch cables. Reason we're coming home early is because I desperately need yet more Imodium, but I was an auto mechanic for years, so I dive in. An hour later, with my boy being a "big help," I have it diagnosed. Simple $5 solution. They're down on their luck, and thank me profusely. I like to help strangers. We get back, late, and as I park, I notice a  case  of Molson sitting at my motorhome door...  ------- *Same barmaid I "won" in an arm-wrestling competition a week earlier.  
   Just One Toke  I always start out with the best of intentions. Sometimes it's writer's block, sometimes hacker's block, whatever. I just get to thinking that one little hit will get the creative juices flowing. Not enough to wreck my workday, just enough so that I can see the world through ganga-coloured glasses, and get creative and insightful. It actually works! I've written my best code, and my best stories, in the first fifteen minutes after taking that one hit! But then this animal crawls up my throat and commands: " Let's get BLASTED!!!!! "  
  I love that I can throw my cat around, and she'll always end up on her feet.   
  "oh my goodness, sir.  that's not dog excrement you're eating -- it's HUMAN EXCREMENT!"  did i have egg on my face or what?    
  Giving a handjob to a guy behind a liquor store for a smoke.    Thats was pretty bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My cat just took a shit in her box but she is so fat her ass hung out of the little door and the shit hit the floor  Stupid ass cat  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Never trim the bougainvillea bushes in front of your house after returning from a night of indulging. Not only will you butcher them down to skeletons, the idea that the thorns can't catch on you if you strip down is just a big mistake.   
  My [commuter] train of thought.  The platform that I get off of the train at to go to work is near the end of the trainline.  So, it's pretty empty by the time I get off.  Yesterday morning, when the train was empty, I looked under some seats near me and saw that someone had left their big purple duffle bag under one of the seats.  First thought:  "awwww, someone left their bag on the train, that's a shame".  Second thought:  "shit, if that's a nailbomb, it could really fuck up my whole day".  I switched cars.       
  I was telling someone about Lowbrow, and they said, "But how do you know they're all real?"  I thought for a minute then smacked him across the face.  "Don't question the brow" I said.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          (This sounds like bragging about my scary exploits, but there's a genuine LowBrow moment at the end)  I visit my wife's cousin in Vermont one winter, on my own. She gives me the kid's bedroom, upstairs, and they sleep in her room. 2am, the house catches fire. They get out safely, but I'm trapped upstairs, groggy and not realizing that I'm dying from smoke inhalation. I open the bedroom door, but enormous flames are shooting up the stairway. I open the window, but there's a strong screen across it. Besides, the open window feeds the flames like crazy. I think, muddily, that I should close the door to give me some time to get the screen open. I close it, but notice 6' flames now pouring out of the floor register. I can't see a damn thing, and on my way back to the window, I hit a table and fall. I'm so tired. It would be so nice to just lie here and sleep.  That  close. Closest I've ever been... I lurch to my feet and hurl myself at the screen. I land softly on the snow-covered porch roof. The cousin and her kids hug me desperately, her saying: "Thank God! You saved my kiddies lives!"  (Where's the LowBrow moment? Coming up...)  I go back up next week to help her dismantle the burned-out shell. She can't thank me enough. A year later, after the divorce, I'm driving up to the Bread And Puppet festival in nothern Vermont with my new girlfriend. I call my ex-wife's cousin, and suggest we come visit. I think she'd like my girlfriend, and I'd love to see her and her kids again. She: "Are you alone?" Me: "No, I have my girlfriend with me." She: "I'm sorry. We have loyalties..." I've heard that expression three times in my life, always from Jews. I like Jews, but... Besides, I had to leave my wife's Nikon to the flames. Third one I've killed. I'm allergic to Nikons, it seems...  
  I have a problem with having a very active imagination. When I see or hear about other people's painful experiences, I litterally feel their pain. Needless to say, I hate it. Fortunatly, I think I might have found my cure. Last night before I went to bed, I decided to read one more Lowbrow entry. It was the one about the guy who was trimming his pubes as he talked to his mom on the phone when he inadvertantly cut off a sizable piece of his ball sack. I layed in bed cupping my balls as I replayed the scene over and over in my head. It was just too much to take that I had to do something to take my mind off of it. So what did I do? I imagined myself laying on my side on the ground with my head resting on a slab of concrete. I then went on to imagine a muscled bound man pick up a sledgehammer and smash my head open with it. It exploded like a fucking melon, I swear! And what do you know? After I imagined that, the pain in my minds eye went away.  
  Is it frightening when the highlight of my work day is heading into a bathroom stall and realizing I've got a fresh bowl? Blue water, seat up! It just starts the morning right.  
  I was 8.  My older brother had just taught me a few swear words, yet neglected to mention they were bad and should not be repeated in front of our parents, let alone the clergy.     Fast forward to the following Sunday.  Mom was talking to the pastor discussing who knows what leaving us kids to our own devices within the church walls.   Like any 8 year old, I eventually become bored and decide to look for Mom.     After looking *everywhere* I finally found her in the pastor's office still chit-chatting away.  Feeling like I'd been searching forever I blurt out  "Well there's the bastard!"  We're all still not sure if I meant my mom or the pastor. . .that's the intriguing part of my lowbrow moment.     
  My buddy and I were doing a pub crawl and looking for another buddy.  We poke our heads in one bar and the bartender looks at my friend and yells, "Hey, you - out!  Get the fuck out!"  "Relax," my pal says, "we're just looking for someone."  He continues looking; I'm just baffled.  "OUT NOW OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!" the bartender yells, and he picks up the phone.  We leave.  "What the fuck?" I ask.  "Oh, I was in there one night, and I went to the bathroom, and I thought, 'what would happen if I lit the end of the toilet paper roll?'  "So I lit it, just to see, you know - and the whole damn thing went up in flames!  It set off the smoke alarm, and they've had a bug up their butt about me ever since."  
  i was watching so graham norton last night. there was this invention called "the lady blow" wherein the girl strattles this machine,and deep throats a  dildo, and when her nose thouches the bell at the end of the dildo, it sets off a vibrator . this girl used it on the show, and the bell rang. i LOVE the bbc  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got this bit of advice from a teacher today.  "Go get some sandpaper of a really coarse grade, so that there's practically still rock on the paper. Roll it up into a little tube, like a straw, and jam it up your nostril. Run it up and down there for about 10 times, then do it with your other nostril. Next, take a 100-dollar bill, and tear it into tiny little pieces. Now take those pieces, and stick those up your nose. That's all snorting cocaine really is."            
  I saw this on a billboard one day in the foyer of the office where I work.        ---MISSING---  Three year old, neutered, white, black, and beige colored dog.  Has 3 legs, bald patches on back and hind legs due to fight with cat, missing right eye (from same fight with cat), had tail broken in car door, part of left ear chewed off by neighborhood dog, and answers to the name of: LUCKY        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         on my way from the bathroom i become ensnared in a human traffic jam, one which i am not in the mood to fight. i decide instead to chat up some people who were sitting around a table, mainly as a way to edge into a seat of my own. two men and a woman, the men dressed in all black, the woman in a pinstripe suit. the woman is deep in conversation with her companion on the couch, so i start talking to the man in the armchair. introductions are made. 'she's australian,' armchair man tells me when i am introduced to the woman.  we chat. bland new media jabbering, mostly, and while he is gesturing about the online advertising industry i notice the simple gold band on his left hand.  the australian woman leans over to him and yells, 'I WANT YOU TO COME IN MY HAIR TONIGHT, LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT.' his eyes widen, and he glances at me. she leans into him, her long straight hair covering half his face. 'i'm his WIFE, you see,' she says, smiling archly at me. she has big teeth. the man manages a weak eyebrow-raise.  and then she takes another sip of scotch. i take this as my cue to leave.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I have just seen a anti-drug commercial, it was ridiculous. There was a lone black dude, in some acura legend piece of shit (stoner car of choice, through experience) with smoke billowing out, circling a fast food restaurant and making prank orders over the intercom. They're stupid pranks, and on his 4th or 5th pass, a little girl is riding by on a bike, and he hits her pulling out.  ..............  .....Damn.... Never once has being stoned inspired me to an act of negilgant homocide, and I don't think that's happened a single time out of smoking (well, like that anyways). I wonder at what point they decided to return to the habit making up crazy bullshit as an anti-drug campaign?   
   Walking down 57th Street the construction workers lined the side of the building. "Hey, Hey Six" they shouted refering to the # on the back of my t-shirt.  "Hey six. Hey baby. Can I be your nine".  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  In the morning she smiled at me and said "Hey, how was your weekend?".  "I hate you to death and I wish your eyes would rot out of your stinking face." I think to myself.  I smiled back and said "It was good, how was yours?".  
  "See that kid on the swing over there?" I said to my friend as we got out of the car after a long drive back from college.    "Yeah man, what about him?"  He asked.    "I beat the shit out of him."  I replied.        
  gotta smoke asks he sure i hand him a camel and light it for him thanks man no sweat the dude in the orange vest who watches the cones for this mini dig on a side street and i start chatting sports mostly hadda be the best conversation in weeks no hidden agendas no self promo no bs befuddling the banter smoked half a pack chatting with a dude who makes thirty five bucks more an hour than i do and i have a  quote degree endquote definitely gonna slap that guidance counselor if i ever see him again the coolest people have the quote most boring endquote jobs        
  Last night's poker game: $3 limit, $50 buy in, 5 stud, 5 draw, 7 stud or texas hold 'em dealer's choice, no wild of course Loudmouth, visor wearing, yo,yo,yo, Knicks fan, "One time in Vegas", "Rolled box cars", "blah, blah, blah", possibly gay Old Guy, "Who dealt this shit?!", banker, poker lingo, "jacks or better progressive up and down the ladder", good player but shows his cards for free, "see, I was trying to fill an inside..." "if you hadn't folded..."(reminded me of my dead grandpa) "I'm from Atlantic City, I don't fuck around...", "blah blah blah" guy grouchy proprietor of the drinking establishment, "don't fucking start with me.", smart guy actually, asshole though his semi-retarded redneck girlfriend, not smart enough to see his signals or to not keep throwing good money after badI go up almost 3 bills just by playing tight -betting up strong and dropping weak hands, on a $3 limit game, thank you good night see you next week   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There were times while I was in Hawaii when I could have sat down in the middle of a sidewalk and started masturbating.  But hey, that's crazy, someone would see me.  So I would go into public bathrooms.  If you're ever in Waikiki and you see a stain on the bathroom wall shaped like Louisiana, well then, you oughta know it's origins are my nuts.  
  The slaughterhouses in Austin, Minnesota kill 13,000 pigs a day for Spam.  13,000 pigs.  For Spam.  If that's not a lowbrow reason for your death, I don't know what is.  
  "Is that your final answer?" pop culture sucks.        
  There was this boy who was showing everyone this rediculously cartoon-ish dolphin on his chest.  I laughed my ass off, 'cause I mean, come on, those foolish temporary tattoos can be amusing. Come to find it wasn't temporary.  I laughed even harder.  
  I was having a pretty uninventful day at home when my dad started bitching...I don't even know what it was about. He's always bitching about something, so I've learned to drown him out. But this time, as I was drowning him out, I hear my 2 year old sister tell my dad that she was going to "kick his ass". God, I love that little girl!  
  I used to call up the local place, and order a pizza. The delivery dude who had to park his truck outside the courtyard large and walk a bit before he would come and deliver the pie to my apartment.  While away from his truck, my roommate would pinch another pie from his truck, and we would have a 2-for-1 special! When we were really skint, we would order pizza to the girls who lived across the courtyard and get a freebie.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She knows that I'm extremely ticklish, so she tickled me from behind as a joke.    My natural reaction to being tickled is to convulse and flail my arms about.  Because of this, and the fact that she had surprised me so, I elbowed her in the nose.  Neither of us found the joke very funny.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         as a redhead, i think the most common question i get asked, aside from "do you dye your hair that color?" is "what color is your pubic hair?" i get this question more often from guys than from girls.  what the fuck dudes? what's with the fascination of my pubes? I'M A FIRECROTCH. big fuckin deal. damn i wish i'da been able to say that with confidence in my pubescent years, instead of turning beet red and having everyone laugh at me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My piano teacher told me I was excellent with fingering.  My girlfriend told me otherwise.  
  I wonder if the makers of PBR realize that it is the official beer of lowbrow.     
  When I was 16 my father found a bag of marijuana under my bed. I claimed it was oregano, but he didn't buy it. He called the cops and when they checked the bag, they told my father,"We can't arrest your son for having spices". It turned out that it actually was oregano.  
  A few months ago I took leave from my boring Air Force desk job to go home and visit with the family.  Sitting at the dinner table eating steak, I couldn't help but remember what I had done on that dinner table just about a year earlier. My mom asked why I was laughing, but I couldn't bear to tell her.  What's more lowbrow, fucking a girl on my mom's dining room table, or having to answer "what's that stain on the car seat from?" the day after fucking a girl in her car?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A friend and I went to a college orientation one time.  Over there, we had to go to the restroom.  Coincidentally, we both were taking a shit and at the same time.  Some stranger walks into the restroom and looks in the stalls seeing that some are filled.  Shitting were the only noises.  The stranger goes to an empty stall, and my friend cackles "Nothing like a George Mason shit party."  
  "any day that ends in 'Y' is a good day to drink."  
  I got this bit of advice from a teacher today.  "Go get some sandpaper of a really coarse grade, so that there's practically still rock on the paper. Roll it up into a little tube, like a straw, and jam it up your nostril. Run it up and down there for about 10 times, then do it with your other nostril. Next, take a 100-dollar bill, and tear it into tiny little pieces. Now take those pieces, and stick those up your nose. That's all snorting cocaine really is."            
  "I'm such a terrible person, I don't know why you guys stick around."  "Yes, you are. So shut up and do something about it."  
  You can now pull rock and roll right down off the Web.  I guess sex and drugs come later.  
  Whilst taking a relaxing piddle at the office one day, my boss came in and turned beet red and started yelling at me--"What the hell is this?" What the hell is what, I thought to myself, as I slowly realised that instead of doing the typical downward push of the unzipped pants, my recent weight loss had caused me to drop-trou completely and I was taking a handsfree piss, my hands stretched out on either side of the urinal. Bareass. My response? "Well, I was hoping for a promotion."  
  It was my friend's 18th birthday so we wanted to go to the local strip club for fun.  We're all girls and girls get in free with an escort so we tried to round up a bunch of boys to go with us. Not a single boy wanted to go to a strip club with five bouncing 18 and 19 year old girls. Not one. That just tells you how horrible the strip club was.  Or how lowbrow.   
  Classified ad I've seen sometimes in the local paper:  Ritual Cult Abuse Support Group Saturday 10 A.M. at Helping Hands Community Center Please, victims only.  I wish I'd been there for the moment that necessitated the 'victims only' bit.  
  Been years since I've been in the Navy but I still spitshine my boots just so I can look up  gals' dresses.          
   Our invoices are sent out "DUE UPON RECIEPT"  Customer called in and said that she resented the DUE UPON RECIEPT message on the bill, and threatened NOT TO BE HOME WHEN THE BILL CAME!       
  She died right there in her own living room, a mean little smile on her face that would not go away.   The EMTs left her in a heap on the floor, and we tried to cover her with a blanket, but she checked out weighing 493 lb. and it was damn near impossible to move her into any sort of a dignified position.   To cap it all off, her granddaughter insisted that we leave the body there until she could fly in from Puerto Rico and see for herself.  One, two, three days pass and the old lady is puffing up nicely.   Granddaughter finally arrives, takes one look and shrieks "Get it out of here!"  
  i work for this concert promoter company, right? lightbulb.  "lets start a side project wherein we videotape rock stars recieving blowjobs from hot naked groupie chicks.  the rock stars get free blowjobs, the hot naked groupie chicks finally get to live out their fantasy, and we get paid while drinking lemonade in the shade. we'll call it 'Backstage Blowjobs'."  i give and i give and i give. what do i get in return?  a dumbfounded look from my boss.  
  The first time he played scrabble since coming to the US, Randy Moon thought he'd found a helluva word.  The girls cried; my sister almost pee-d. "Pennies"? He said.  Whats wrong with that?  Why are you laughing.  You spelled penis, Randy.    
  "I think there is a child in that burning car" someone in the crowd yells. I am a man of action. Why use one of these shopping carts to bust out a window when I can just jump cool like into the air and kick it out. So I did- no kids in here but now my leg is on fire- I dislocate my hip backpedaling out of the car- I hit the ground hard- people ask if I'm ok- I get up and try not to limp as I walk away. Its hard to look cool and do that.        
  I've recently gone through a phase where I simply cannot exact enough vengence on those in my past who have wronged me. I've logged countless hours downtown at a nice anonymous internet cafe just to sign up every loser exboyfriend/friend/relative I have to any and all disgusting pedophile zoo necrophilia porn spam list I can find. And it's still not enough. I need to find some way to get hold of a flamethrower.   
  I was working at a food place at the mall.  I was in charge of taking out the trash that night, so here I was lugging two heaving wet barrels filled over the top with garbage to the trash compactor outside.   Well, first, the automatic wheel-chair people doors were broken, so I had to open the door and drag them out.  Then I found that the stupid garbage compactor was literally overflowing with waste that the door couldn't even shut.  In a feeble attempt to try to run the compactor to make room for my trash, I slam the door, and a bag of wet fermenting stuff hanging out the side pops and my arm is covered in it.  Oh well.  A girl comes out to help me, and we have to take it to the trash compactor on the other side of the mall.  Then, as I'm trying to toss in my last bag of trash, the whole thing explodes, and I'm covered with wet kitchen waste.  The chick doesn't care.  Then, as I'm pulling the trash barrels back, the wheels get caught on a manhole cover and fall off.    
  I am on the verge of splitting up with my wife of many years.  I have fallen in love with someone else.  I cannot keep away from her.  She loves me too.  My wife cannot deal with the idea that I think about someone else, and have held them, and fucked them. We have been going to therapy.  Sometimes things can feel almost normal.  But it's not going to work.  She has that look on her face, I can tell.  I still love my wife madly, though. Shit just sucks sometimes....  
  Girlfriend and I driving down the road the other day, and her cars dies. We pull to the side and I try to get it started. A police car see's us and parks behind us with his lights on. As he is walking towards us, I am still trying to get the car turned over. He says "Won't start, Huh?"  I said "No." He Says "I can tell. I am real observant that way. Some day I hope to make detective". Boy, he sure was a quick one, huh?  
  I found out that rabbit piss really stinks especially at 4 in the morning after a bottle or two of Raspberry vodka when you go to fall in bed and you end up snorting it up your nose.  
  We were in NYC on vacation and had to piss really bad...too much wine and water and coffee with dinner.  We were right St. Patrick's Cathedral, so we determined that if they let us use their restroom that there was indeed a god and we would become devout worshippers.  Luckily, they wouldn't let us use the restroom, so we snuck in to the St. Regis Hotel and pissed in their restroom instead and left happy, empty bladdered pagans.  Nice place the St. Regis. Kickass restrooms...I recommend them. Do you know they charge $80 dollars for high tea there?! They're spending that money on really fine restrooms though.  
  When I was about fourteen, I had extremely painful infections in both my ears. When I went to the doctor, they had to somewhat sedate me to be able to look into my ears, and after giving me some pain medication, they turned the lights down low and let me rest for a bit in the exam room. My mom was in there with me, and after lying on the table quietly for about 20 minutes, I scared the hell out of her when I sat straight up and screamed "MOM!!!!! THE WAYNE'S WORLD MOVIE COMES OUT TOMORROW!"  
  Graffiti on the floor of Austin bus stop: "FUCK GENDER ROLES"  ------------------------------- (OK so thats the funny part. Here comes the part where I Cry for help or at lest feel better by putting this to words.) So I was waiting for the bus to get to campus when I see this shit on the floor. "FUCK GENDER ROLES."  "What kind of pussified cracka-ass-cracka shit is this?" I asked myself. I had a good chuckle and thought nothing of it.  >>fastforward a hours>> the pains in my head (the ones that make it hard for me to live) ebb and flow as I confront my innermost demons. I am beside myself. I'm twenty years old. I'm not supposed to cry. I'm not supposed to lose it. I'm the fucking Cobra Commander. But there I was: a sniffling, snot nosed little boy. I'm just glad that the time I did lose it in front of my friends we were watching a movie and I was able to make a discreet dash to the john to pull myself together. Heh, its casual. I mean, there's nothing I can do but sort it out on my own, right? Right. It's cool, I'm ok now.  No one must ever know... no one must ever see me in such a weakened state... no one... Why? I'm a fucking man, thats why.   ...FUCK GENDER ROLES  
  A girl actually said to me "Oh my, you have a big little buddy!"  Should I have been happy?  
  The woman stood in front of the mirror, pumping weights. She stopped mid-set to adjust the strategically-wisped ponytail on top of her head, and check her lipstick. I noticed she was only lifting two-pound weights.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  Except when he's getting blown, he always seems to be in a hurry.  
  There's this place called the Royal Viking Motel on 3rd street.  We pass it going to our favorite pizza place, and one day I stopped in to get a matchbook.  There was a sign on the door that said "no prostitutes, please" and the office smelled like urinal cakes.  They guy didn't have matchbooks, but offered me a buisness card, but said none of the information on there was right.  
  after putting my mouth to the opening of the soda can, letting the pepsi flow into my mouth, I started to think about all the dirty machines and peoples' hands and god-knows-what-else touched the can that I am practically making out with.  
  A bunch of us girls were gossiping about sex in her living room.  We made her believe that with lots of lube, anal sex didn't hurt in the slightest bit.  No worse than losing your virginity at any rate.  A few hours later she appeared in the living-room doorway wearing nothing but a towel.  Glaring at us, she picked up the nearest things she could find - the yellow pages - and threw it at us, while screaming, "You dirty bitches lied!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         reading lowbrow  i sneeze without covering my mouth  it wasn't just a dry sneeze  the snot flew right behind my fan  when it came back through the fan it got stuck to the metal grating that covers the fan  I don't think my roommate noticed  score  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         College party, 1983  "No, no...please don't go," she said between sobs. Curled around the toilet, she grabbed the rim as she vomited again. The vodka had already come up; now it was the beer's turn for rapid exit.  I stayed beside her on the bathroom floor, rubbing her back as she heaved. It would be time to wipe her lips and the corners of her mouth with the washcloth soon...comfort and cleansing, my evening duties for this particular party. I couldn't understand why she drank, since it always ended like this.  "Help me up," she said, grabbing at my arms. "I have to pee."  I helped her wobble to her feet. "You want me to wait outside while you go to the bathroom?"  She started to cry again. "Don't leave...stay here with me." Clumsily, she pulled down her jeans and panties, sat hard, reached out for my hand. As she pissed, she looked up at me, eyes watery and unfocused. "You hate me, don't you?"  "Of course not."  "Please don't hate me...I didn't mean to get drunk. I promise." She squeezed my hand, pulled me closer. "Tell me you don't hate me."  "I don't hate you." I stroked her head with my free hand. A fart echoed from the bowl as the pissing subsided. She fumbled for the toilet paper, and I helped her get a handful to dry off. Unsteadily, she stood as she pulled her pants up. Before she could fasten them, she fell to her knees again, face to the bowl. The last of the beer and most of the chips and dip from the party came up this time.  The party cycled on outside our little inner sanctum of tears and vomit. Someone had put on a Huey Lewis and the News album, and I could hear laughing. I sat beside my girlfriend, watching her be ill and regretful, sobs echoing in the porcelain bowl. "I'm so sorry," she was saying, repeating it over and over like a mantra. "So sorry."  I stood, rinsed the washcloth in the sink. She'd need another wipe soon.  
  For alarm clock I use an old Nokia 7110 phone with a cover over the keypad (think matrix-phone, but slightly different model). When the alarm goes off it's possible to slide the cover down and then back up to use the snooze function, something I have become quite adept at doing while not quite awake.  One morning, slightly hung-over, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I was in bed, and there was a tiny dog next to it. It would start making really loud noises, barking and squealing, so I reached down for it, lifted it into bed and snapped one of it's legs. That would make it go quiet for a couple of minutes and then it would start again.  The poor dog was down to his last leg before I was awake enough to realize it was time to put the phone down and stop snoozing.  
  One time I put a hot dog in my microwave for thirty minutes, on high.  Just to see what would happen.  It got really big.  After a while, when the internal presure became to great, it split open violently.  After that, not much else happened.  It retained its size, but over time it grew increasingly more brown.  Dark dark brown.  I let it cool.  When I picked it up it seemed to weigh almost nothing.  Like dried out meat styrofoam.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Way back...  My friend and I used to walk to the Greyhound bus station from my apartment in San Antonio; the purpose being to buy me a pack of cigarettes. I didn't have a vehicle then, being very young and poor.  That was lowbrow #1. There's no way that two young women could walk in downtown San Antonio at a very late hour NOW.  Once, as we were entering the establishment, two of San Antonio's finest stopped us. They were very interested in my identification.  They thought I was a hooker.  
  10:36pm, friday. sitting in the living room shooting the shit with my parents and a friend.  "if i'm getting out of the elevator, yeah, of course i'll let one loose!  and if some guy comes on and i'm on the ground floor, and i push 22 and he pushes 2 or 1 of course i'll be all like ::insert fart noise of your choice::"  my dad is that guy who farts in the elevator!!!  i'm so proud ::tear::  
   "do you want four or six?" the blond bartender with goofy glasses and a russian style fur hat said. "uhhh.... six, since it's 2 for 1, i guess." "i have a friend" she says, "who always says ' it's like twelve for the price of six!' HaaaHAhhaHAA."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Me: In my thirties, dressed in 501's, denim shirt, and Redwing workboots; short spiky hair and clean-shaven. Her: In her fifties, Dressed in cotton dress and full of her own pretentiousness.  My friend introduces us and tells her that I'm a poet.  YOU'RE  a poet??? she asks disbelievingly, looking me up and down like I had failed some unspoken code of attire or grooming for  How A Poet Is Supposed To Look.   Without missing a beat, I replied, absolutely deadpan: "Yeah, I'm a poet. The cat  Shat  In the hat.  You like it? I wrote it this morning while I was sitting on the shitter.    Her stupid livestock-looking face with its open-mouthed silence and look of utter horror were priceless.  Bitch.  I went on-stage for my reading and poured armeggedon, orgasm, blood, rain, fire, laughter, tears, suicide, death, springtime, and love from the pages and then made my way back to my gritty coffee, feeling vindicated. When it was her turn to read, she turned her back to walk to the stage. I spit in her coffee and laughed to myself in the dark, both at spitting in her coffee and at her trite and pathetic sing-song teen-angst tripe.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So there we sit, her and I, long after the party's over and my roommates asleep.  We're both pretty hammered, but still trying to communicate.  "I've never had an orgasm." she tells me as I hold one of her hands in both of mine and look for hope that she'll let me try to help her with that.  We're still friends.  
  Many times people have said to me, "That makes the baby jesus cry!" as a fabricated reason for hating an opinion of mine.  I have, however, discovered the perfect retort --> Yes, but God is laughing his ass off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Man, I'm bummed out.  I was in the bathroom at work, but there was a guy at the urinal and I had to use the shitter.  I didn't get to see how we were doing at dissolving that little pink urinal cake today :(   
  The first time one of my friends asked whether they smelled urine in my room marked the last time i decided to use my sink as a urinal, as opposed to walking to the bathroom, which was down the hall.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I worked as a busboy when I was 17. A fat chick who waitressed at the restaurant was always flirting with me, and after repeatedly rebuffing her advances, I finally agreed to go "party" with her after our shift ended (around midnight).  We drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort together in a park and she basically started humping my leg like a horny dog. She said she'd always wanted to suck my cock. She took me to a cemetary adjacent to the park and pushed me down on a grassy area away from the tombstones.  I fucked the shit out of her for about 10 minutes, listening to her grunt and groan and moan like a Water Buffalo in heat. But the Southern Comfort had caught up to me.   I pulled out of her in mid-thrust and puked my guts out on the ground next to her flabby, naked carcass.  I quit the job so I wouldn't have to see her again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Confused by unfamiliar items on the Chinese menu, the pair summon their waiter...  "What's the difference between Lo Mein and Chow Mein?",  he asked.  The Chinese waiters reply? "Hmmm... Not much."      
  I'm not dumb, I'm an assett to the curve.  
  my sister told me yesterday that my cousin (payton) has her lunch brought to her at school. i said it was probably 'cause she couldn't walk her fat a** to the vending machine's. the sad part isn't because i would say this about my cousin....the sad part is cause it's probably true...        
  There's too many goddamned old people on this planet.  They're living zombie-like lives getting stored in nursing homes and are only alive because they gobble down a baker's dozen pills every morning.  Our so-called "Senior Citizens" are the fastest growing population in America, gobbling our resources and conservatizing our government.  There's millions of them, and it's getting worse every day.  It's unnatural and it's eating at the planet like a cancer.  It's time to let the old people go.  Let them die, it's a part of life that Americans want to forget but I say quit living in the past.  About to 75 is a good age to live to naturally.  But if you need 20 pills a day to live, nature is trying to tell you something.  When i'm old, I refuse to take more than three pills a day.  Any more than that, I'll let death claim me.  LET THE OLD PEOPLE DIE, I say!  
  I think Samatha Fox said it best when she sang, "Naughty girls need love too."  And they do. I would know.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
        The other day I was walking to class when I noticed my shoe was untied. "Fuck it" I thought to myself "tie it after you get to class" I crossed the street like usual.  A dark sedan sped around the corner htting the guy who was walking right behind me.  He was dead before he hit the ground.  After getting over th initial shock I suddenly realize, Damn, if I had stopped to tie my shoe it would have been me.  Whoever said laziness never pays off was dead wrong.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         matt and i found a cell phone while cleaning out the theater we worked at. we made about a dozen or so phone calls to japan, just to hear strange voices and language and to yell things at the japanese, like "moat basket garter snake"  i felt bad about having this man's cell phone. especially after he came into the theatre desperately asking if we had found it. i lied right to his face and didn't even flinch inside.  we ended up covering the phone in maple syrup and throwing it off the roof of matt's apartment building.   not too much bad karma heading my way, i hope.  p.s., i also read all of his nasty text messages that his gf sent him and beat off.   
  I thought this up on a long plane ride from Egypt to the States. You have to try it. I bought a big bag of marbles, took them home and washed them really well with anti-bacterial soap and inspected each one for chips and stuff. The next time I was eating my girls pussy (not the Jap, but another Asian. Man I love Asian girls) I slipped all 50 or 60 of them into her pussy. When we had sex, they clicked and moved around and it felt great!! She liked it too, because it made her feel like she was getting stretched by a giant piece of meat (I am only ordinary in size and girth, much to my chagrin). Anyway it was great!! She had to kind of squat on the bed while I scooped them out afterward, though. Hell, I liked that part too!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I actually got to witness this one. She stood where she'd popped up from behind the car, wiping her mouth, as her husband repeated over and over "But what are you DOING back there?" She might have gotten away with it if the guy also behind the car hadn't fallen over trying to pull up his pants while crouched down and rolled to a stop in front of the husband.  But the game wasn't entirely up until the husband insisted upon kissing her and recoiled at the taste.  I love block parties.   
  I asked her why she chose to have her son circumsized. She said she did it because one day his father will have to show him how to pee standing up and she didn't want it too look different from his dads. I had expected some type of religious reason or maybe something about hygiene. All I could do was nod in agreement and try to keep my facial expression as neutral as possible.  
   11/01/01  Hear it From the Marines, Take II:   Marine: "These guys who sign up, they think they're so friggin' tough, but they get out there and all they've fired at is paper targets."  Me: "Not good prep?"  Marine: "They should take all the guys on Death Row, and use them as target practice."  Marine: "Then use all the fuckin' AIDS patients"  Marine: "Then all the fuggin' faggots. Then these guys would be ready for real action."  Me: "Defending freedom"  Marine: "Damn right."  
  It was about midnight, and I was walking home from work.  Since I had no pockets I stuck my house key in my shoe.  A cop pulls up and shines his light on me while I'm bending down to get the key.  "What's going on?" he asks.  "Just getting a rock out of my shoe," I lied.   "Yeah, a rock of cocoaine!"  "You know it!" I say as I turn and walk away.       
  My hick-a-billy roomate in college once told me about fucking sheep. He said their pussies were like vacumes and just sucked your dick in and were tighter than any woman's.  He also told me he had fucked a chicken.  I'll tell 'ya what he had a damn fine looking girlfirend but I kept my my eye on his ass when we were alone.  
  one time when we were kids, i was going out with this guy.  he was a virgin, im assuming, but back then, that was a dirty word. no one wanted to admit that, but all of us probably still were. well, the story goes, he decided to finger me. thinking he was slick, im sure, he stuck one of his fingers inside of me. to the first knuckle. and left it there.  he didn't move at all he asked me 'hey baby, how's that feel?' i said...er....'good' now, i was thinking of dr. judy. obviously he had no idea what he was doing, and the good dr. would say to help him out, let him know what i want, make suggestions. so that's what i did. i said, 'hey, why don't you try moving it around a bit'....to which he replied ok, and gave his finger two little jerks that can only be described as spasms.  trying to choke back either tears or laughter, i can't remember which, i decided to try one more time. 'hey ed baby', i said.  'why don't you try playing with the clit? i'd really like that...'  'ok' he said.  as he pulled his finger out i began to think that maybe it had actually worked. but when he moved down and stuck his finger in my ass, i just couldn't help myself. i got up. complained of a headache, and made him go home. im sorry. it was rude. but my ASSHOLE????  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Great Del Taco Incident!  We leave Del taco, tummies full of nachos.  Emily has a cold. She coffs so hard she pucks. I see this and puke. Chris sees this and pukes. Emily sees this and pukes. Chris pukes again. I puke again.  My mommy laughs at us all!  We get in the car and drive away leaving behind six piles of barely digested nachos. The Del Taco workers and customers stare out the windows appalled.  Now, that I think about it, it was kinda funny.  
  I was just thinking that all of you with the brows so low have fucking awesome senses of humor.  But then, I got to further thinking:  You never really know what kind of a sense of humor a person has until you fuck his little sister.  In his car.  
  "I've made a mental note to myself that if I'm still alive on her 82nd birthday, I'm gonna find her and fuck her up the ass.   "Now that's true love and dedication. "  Notice he didn't say if they're both still alive.  That is dedication.  
  he took off his shirt to wipe up the vomit of the girl he probably loves, and all i could think was shit, he looks good.  god bless chivalry.  
   I am hirsute. There is no doubt. My wife knew that before we were married. She believes I should pick up all these little hairs that fall off of me in the bathroom.   What kind of life is that?!?      
  Now that I know how easy it is to get a boy in the sack, I sleep with women only once in a blue moon.  I've always known I was lazy, but changing one's sexual preference to get out of work seems a bit extreme.  
                                                   subj;frat. initiation 10-20 thou a yr. for this/                two students  4 blocks of ice 2ea. on one end of a long hall. place a lg. marshmallow on 2  ice. 2 naked fools race to ice, squat and pick up M. between butt cheecks, then run and drop on ice. the loser eats both M's. higher learning?   
  This guy at a party pulled his dick  out, picked up an empty Miller bottle  and pissed into it. Then he twisted a  cap back onto it, and put it into the  cooler. "Someone's gonna drink my piss  tonight!" he said. Then, he  reconsidered. "No, I'M GONNA  DRINK MY PISS!" He grabbed the bottle and pounded the piss down. Then he puked.         
  Psuedo karmic pap on an electron field of white over gray.  Did you eat your Wheaties today?  Neither did I.  
  My hand was now inside of her jeans, thanks to her opened zipper.  Moving along on her nice red panties.  Eventually, I get a little braver, and put my hand inside said panties, starting from the top down.  As I slowly move my hand down and inside, I realize that I'm mere inches away. This is getting serious.  Her name is called from upstairs.  "What?"  "His parents are here."  Thanks a FUCKING lot Dad.  
  THIS IS A RANT! WARNING, CONTENT IS SOME WHAT FUNNY AND WILL CAUSE YOUR SYNAPSES TO START FIRING FEEL FREE TO EMAIL, I ENJOY READING HATE MAIL LOVE MAIL, YA KNOW, BUT ITS KINDA LONG SO GET A CIGERETTE AND A NICE BREW AND FALLOW THE BOUNCING BALL............   i work at burger king, it sucks. you wouldnt believe the kind of people i get there that come in and buy food. ok, first theres stupid people. what dont people understand that a whopper jr plain and a hamburger plain are the same damn thing? i mean, its not rocket science. and the stupid people arent just the customers, the people i work with have the i q of mayonaise. sad really. and when people order in drive through, do they not realize that there is an auto greeter? a pre recorded messege say" hi welcome to burgerking, how can i help you?. it must be the car exhuast fumes, cuz they are just mentally ill or they have been eating paint chips. next poor people or the excessively rich.ok, im upper class white, but i live in a farmers town. nothing but rednecks on welfare or tourists passing through our crappy town of eldersburg. shoot me please. i get  food stamp, credit cards, travlers checks, and a number of other forms of payment, dont ask me why. it happens. also, old people. i mean the kind that cant drive correctly cuz their air tank is in the way. WTF are they doin at burger king getting fried foods and red meat. they are so senile its sad. the shake and tremble. im waiting for a heart attack in the resturaunt. i cant wait, im gonna sit back and laugh. im a sick fuck, i know. but shit happens, the world has made me desensitized. rotten.com doesnt scare me anymore, and suicide videos make me laugh.i enjoy seeing other people die, the world is over populated as it is. heres a joke: what turns a fruit into a vegitable???? cmon guess. its AIDS fruit=gay, vegetable=deathly sick ha ha. how do you make a baby float? 2 scoops ice cream, 1 scoop baby ahhh, i can go on for ever this is getting long, but who cares, who ever has read this far, i congradulate, this world is a sick fascination for day dreamers. fuck the earth, your gonna die. you know why i smoke cigerettes, to shave off those unwanted years of my life that id be in a nursing home or with a walker takin viagra to make myself feel better. i hate little kids. they piss me off. oh i know i usedt o be one, hell im only 15 and im smarter than the average college grad. thats whats sad. i actually use the 10 or what ever the scientists have figured you use on a daily basis. they rest of the world acts likes its been huffin glue for too long. hey, voices need to be heard. mine included, and the american government is to much of a big baby to bomb the fuck out of a country and let people do what they want with thier lives, but hey atleast we arent communist, thanks to ours grands parents, the mushed pee eating depends shitting old people they are. but hey, shit happens. and animal activists "meat is murder"freaks can suck my bald left nut. we have been eating meat for many a mileneia and im gonna damn well eat it for the rest of my life. uh, wiggers can die, so can preppy assholes with thier "pimped" 10 grand cars with 20 grand worth of improvements added. fast and furious what a piece of shit.ill take a 87 monte carlo ss any day.   this is basically a huge rant, and im too tired to finish it.   closing satement: shit happens, nice guys finish last, the asshole gene will always get pussy, no matter what,punk is dead you freaks. techno rules all, and kick it with the freestyle as much as humanly possible. peace KhemicalReaxion "please remove your head from your ass and keep moving in line"  
       i am twenty, a virgin, and female.  last week, i found my cervix for the first time.  this week, i had an orgasm for the first time.  it was watching scrambled porn that did it.  i am torn between pride at actually coming, and shame at the means.  I hit my head on the table.  I didn't know people actually did that.  
  i recently ran into an old one-night-stand at a gay club. i was going to an after-hours party, and he was planning on going, but he didn't have directions, so i suggested he follow me. i told my passenger who he was, and we went to leave.  on leaving the parking lot, i had to stop my car abruptly. my old one-night-stand was going too fast, and he rear-ended me. i just smiled and said, "ahh, fond memories."  two or three seconds later my passenger suddenly yelled "eww!" and hit me  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         24/01/02  I look in my top drawer and I have to wonder...just how much leopard print underwear does one woman need?  
  I was on the bus to go to work late last night and it was just the driver, a somewhat attractive girl, and myself on the bus. I was sitting there listening to my walkman and trying to sober up for work and the girl motions for me to come over to her. So I did, and she asked me how far I was taking the bus. I told her I was going up to Bayfield and Livingstone. She nodded and gave me what appeared to be a rather seductive look. After thinking for a second I asked her why she wanted to know. She said she was just wondering and gave me another look. And so I sat there, quietly perplexed until my stop came and I said goodbye to her (and recieved yet another weird look) and got off the bus and went to work.   Am I missing some secret bus language here or was she just trying to make smalltalk?  
  So. The average penis fits exactly inside an empty cardboard toilet paper roll, huh? Huh. And all this time, I've been giving them to the gerbil to chew on. He just "happens" to like crawling through it, because it's such a "perfect" fit for him to snuggle in before he nibbles it to bits. The empty paper rolls, that is. Stupid. Still, penis = gerbil is one equation I had hoped NEVER to see applied to the real world, but there we are. I love/hate Lowbrow.  
  last night my best friend and i decided to get chinese food. after my dinner, i opened my fortune cookie, as i always do. but there was something different about this fortune. it read:  a gambler not only will lose what he has, but also will lose what he doesn't have. Lucky numbers: 5, 10, 15, 25, 31         
  Crazy Eddie was given that name for a reason:  The snorkle shot-  1. put on a diving mask (the one that covers your nose)  2. funnel a pitcher of beer into the snorkle attached to your mouth 3. wait  4. puke into the awaiting bucket next to you  We told Eddie that we'd give him all the money that we have if he drank it.  He pounded it and earned himself $26 and a new nickname.  
  if i was whole milk, and you were skim milk..and we had hot milk sex, would our baby be 2% or half and half?  
  Sarah (before she became a crack whore) and I are out at a bar one night, music is really good for a change and we're dying for someone to ask us to dance. For some reason, there is a baby shower going on, at least half a dozen very pregnant women in attendance. And those bulging breeders are getting asked to dance, while Sarah and I stand alone.  "What the fuck is going on with these men?" wonders Sarah. "Going after the preggos like that?" "Laziness." I reply.    
  but theyre so dirty and look at the way they are dresed like their mothers let them go out like that said she in horror at the neopunkseventiesthrowbackrobzombawannabees the same person who thought that anozonedepleting amount of hairspray and blueglitter eyeshadow were musthaves if you wanted to party back in the day when such things were horridly acceptable when the hell did you get old said i she shot me a look oops drunkendentist strikes a nerve        
  I was informed at an annual review that there was no money in the budget for my raise. However the company had just spent over $5000 on potted plants for the lobby and elevator entrances on each floor. I managed to kill 6 of them by urinating in them after hours. One evening the janitor caught me and just smiled.   All plants were removed from the building and replacrd with silk ones. I made it a point to trim at least one leaf a day with a lighter.    
  Last night, I had a pseudo-date with this guy I am not really into.  We went to one of those places with paper over the table and crayons.  The waiter was totally hot and checking me out the entire night.    So just as the meal is ending, I start a little drawing with my name on it.  I am adding hearts and all that stupid girly stuff, and my "date" is looking at it with interest.    FINALLY, he is distracted long enough for me to write my phone number down.  He was paying the check.  I put my note in with the receipt for the waiter.  I am such a bitch.  
  I was drying my hair in the bathroom while my boyfriend was taking a shower. He peeked his head out from behind the shower curtain and I guess he didn't see me. I thought he needed me to get something for him (little did I know he was simply checking to see if I was still there). So I peeked my head in...to find him vigorously, shamelessly cleaning his ass-crack...with his hand all the way up in it. He screamed, I screamed.  He was pretty embarrassed.   
  I like to wash my hands before I piss rather than after. My dick's the cleanest thing I touch all day.  
  Cats have a way of telling you when they're litter-box is full.  Woke up the other morning with a festering cat dump sitting on the pillow next to me.  A simple "meow" would have been sufficient.  
  i've been asking my dear soon-to-be-departed for money for the last couple of weeks, and she's always said: "I don't have any. I'm sorry."  Last night, my boy decides he and I should camp out in my motorhome and roast marshmallows. He goes to her and asks for marshmallow money.  She opens her wallet and takes out a sheaf of $20s. She looks panicked for a minute, until she finds a $10, which she hands to me without even a trace of a blush.  Yipee! A Mastercard moment in the making: Marshmallows:  $0.67c 2-for-1 pack of Salems: $5.51  (throw in a few empty 12-packs, and)  12-pack of Old Milwaukee: $4.99 Watching her choke on the desire to ask for change:  priceless!   
  New York City is the best city in the world. We've got the craziest shit you'd ever want to buy.  And you walk everywhere. Which sucks in the winter, but... ah, in the summer. The women. Wearing summer clothes. It's heaven.  And I have a friend who's co-owner of his own bar! Free booze!  And I can walk to the bagel shop to have fresh, delicious bagels in the morning. Unless I'm too fucking lazy.  And I still find wonderful, little hole-in-the-wall shops every time I go downtown. Where you can buy that craziest shit I was talking about before.  Also, there's plenty of room in the basement of my apartment complex for chaining up and torturing midgets.    
  i once thought it would be a good idea if i could pluck the hair off my legs. then they would be really smooth, absolutly no stubble right?  i knew that would be difficult at best, so i decided to stick with just my knees.  i think i got three hairs out.    from now on, i'll just stick to my eyebrows.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My mom and I were driving towards the northern California coast when we saw a group of dirty, grizzled looking hippies looking for a ride at a busy intersection. One of them proudly held up a sign reading "I AIN'T GOT NO PANTIES ON".  
  Driving back to California from Oregon with my then girlfriend, her baby asleep in the carseat behind us. She has given up the sex all weekend because I pissed her off Friday night, but now she feels bad.  So we're doing 60 on the freeway and she uncharacteristically puts her head in my lap and starts blowing me. She's very good, but usually reluctant to suck me, so this is a fine time indeed. I'm getting close, and she tries to deep-throat me - and up come the Cool Ranch Doritos - all over my lap. We laughed our asses off, pulled off onto a side road to clean up, and had a quick, intense fuck. The baby never woke up this whole time.  
  we have been dating for almost six months, but today I felt, for the first time, a kind of intimacy that was new and amazing.  he farted in front of me. made no attempt to hide it. I have a feeling that it sort of snuck out unexpectedly, but he acknowledged the fart! he muttered, "excuse me," and continued fiddling with the TV.  I now feel totally comfortable letting one rip in the car without saying something like "what's that weird smell? are we driving by a factory or something?"  
  "If God hadn't meant for us to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know what is kind of fun? Having sex with your girlfriend on the couch watching a movie while your family is scattered around the house doing random things.  It's kind of surreal having to watch the rest of the movie with your penis inside your girlfriend because your little sister decided she wanted to watch the movie though.  
   Brenda Part 3  I walk into the strange bar, with nine rough-looking guys sitting there, their attention on the truly drop-dead woman efficiently serving them.  Me: "Guinness...?"  Brenda: "Hah! Try Michelob Light!"  She brings me a bottle of something that might as well be mouthwash. I grimace.  Brenda: "That smile looks familiar."  Me: "Brenda!"  It's OK that I pretend I walked in by accident, even though I just drove 20 miles to be in this particular bar, on this particular night.  It's OK that I start bantering with the guy next to me about my chances, which he characterizes as "slim, and none."  It's OK that I confuse him by burying my nose in a cookbook.  He: "Oh, now you're onto a sure thing."  Me: "Watch and learn, little grasshopper. Five pound test, nothing more..."  She and I talk food for a while, until I tell her I really enjoyed her company the last time, and would love some more of it.  It's OK that she tells me: "So would I, but just platonic -- I have a live-in situation."  (That's OK because I just feel sorry for Mr. Live-In.)  It's OK that she asks me if I want another.  What is  not  OK is my answering: "Sure, but this guy next to me is buying."  He: "Only if you're going out with him."  Brenda: "What is this?"  He: "He just bet me two beers to one that he'll pick you up."  She's genuinely annoyed, and shoots me a wary glance, but she still asks me for my wallet, and shows him her home phone #, that she just gave me.  Brenda: "So pay up, buddy."  As I leave, I hear him muttering: "Five pound test..."  
  I was eating pizza in bed last night when a piece of crust fell on my blanket.  I picked it up, ate it and relized it tasted nothing like pizza crust.     P.S.  My dog sleeps on my bed when Im away   
  so here's my new moment: let me start of by saying i'm a male college student, and i'd like to consider myself good looking. not fat or ugly, and i even have a cute girlfriend.  well i had a cute girlfriend.  i  left my bed to check my computer only to find ladeefrickingda online....i had to chat of course and when i invited her to maine my girlfriend got pissy and stormed out....so i lost my girlfriend and made ladee think i'm sketchy....low  
  He was 20. He had only worked there for like a month or two. But it was a holiday, and they needed someone to be manager. So when 1 o'clock rolled around, it was just me and him.  Damn was that some good pot.  
  "Because the septic tank might get clogged," is not a legitimate answer for a six year-old when the question "Why is there only scratchy toliet paper in the house?" is posed.  The poor thing even went so far as to steal a handful of Charmin from her Gram's house and bring it home.  
  So, Im in town for the christmas break at my folks' place. I met up with some friends from other universities last night, and they were throwin' their shit left and right to spit their game on these big titted girls we met at the local trashy dairy queen. I was shitty drunk and as they got in there car to take off, i shoved my finger down my throat and  threw up on their entire windshield. They just turned on the wipers and drove away, somehow, not the outcome i was hoping for.  -eazy  
  I have this pair of pants that kind of nice. Instead of just a zipper and a button, they have (brace yourself): A button, a zipper, another button, and one of those metal things you slide into another metal thing. I feel like I'm buckling on armor when I put the these pants on.   I call them my "battle pants".  
  "Greasy Tony's" was the actual name of the place. Sat on a Prime corner of New Brunswick NJ real estate adjacent to Rutgers. It was the epitome surreal. 2:00am. Dregs of Drunken students wandering in, hanging about - most unable to speak coherently; ex-convict taxi drivers drinking coffee of dubious age and origin; vagrants beggin for a quarter; all on one-side of the glass enclosed counter with barred openings like at bank. The aggressive neon lights flickered annoyingly - not that anyone noticed.  Behind the counter: a spotty dude with a mermaid tattoo and a wandering eye; a bearded woman (I think, anyway) probably 100lbs obese; a pakistani with an eye-patch; some really old dude in his own world not doing a whole lot except smoking the occasional cigarette and hacking a mean cough.  And there, barking orders at them wheeling about in a tattered wheelchair practically kicking the employees into action is greay Tony himself - a kind of cross between Larry Flynt and Danny DeVito in wheelchair.  Witnessing 10 minutes of this while waiting for a lame cheeseteak with peppers and onions is a fascinating look straight into the underbelly of life.  Sometimes I wonder if its still there...   
  This is for loppy@floppy.com Your parents 'do' indeed know that you jerk off no matter what you do to hide it. How do I know - you may ask?  Because they jerked off too and their parents and their parents parents and so on. You are the one that is stupid to even question the matter.   
  one nite i ate a large quantity of hallucinogenic mushrooms. my brain could hardly handle itself. i sat on the ground. an old friend held me. it was the first and only time i ever left my body. i met god that nite. he told me he was a figment of my imagination.   
  I've discovered the most horrible thing ever.  Take a gummie bear - preferably one of the really big kind - and put it on a paper plate in the microwave.  Cut it on for about 20 seconds and watch what ensues.  The gummie bear will actually wriggle around in agony, kicking its feet, waving it's little arms and shaking his head until he splooshes into a little gummie bear puddle.  It's brutal.  
  My best friend was out of town on my birthday. When he got back he did the only thing any self-respecting best friend could do...  He got me drunk and took me to a prostitute.  My friend is high class, he doesn't just pick a hooker off the street, we went to the "spa" downtown with the high class hoes.  As I mentioned, we got drunk first. This probably wasn't a good idea. After a heroic effort by the hooker, I finally got it up, and we started going at it.   She acted like I was the best lay she ever had, but I thought she looked bored.   
  Today I had a gun pointed at me while delivering pizza.    Cops really get twitchy late at night, don't they?   *sigh*  I hate this job.   
  My father decided a little too late that the time was right to talk to me about unprotected sex.  But hey, in a few years i'll know when to tell MY kid...  
  Growing up, at one point we lived right in a Golf Club clubhouse.  The bar had heavy chain-link shutters to lock it up.  Cigarettes were kept on shelves at the back of the bar.  For three years, I stole cigarettes by taping a needle onto a billiard cue, and spearing them right through the shutters.  I never got caught, even though a couple times I knocked some packs onto the bar floor.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i live in a world where a tall can of coors is called a nightcap.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I first time I ever felt old was when my five-year-old asked "How the hell did you make popcorn if you didn't have a microwave?"  It wasn't because he was wondering how we made popcorn when I was his age that made me feel old; it was because I would have NEVER been allowed to say 'hell' to my parents.  
  my mom got married again said she  i am generally ok watching other people fuck themselves over by opening their mouth without engaging their brain mostly because it happens to be a favored passtime but steph said whats that like the twentieth time or what and jen without the slightest pause or hestiation kicked him  hard like a thunking sound hard square in the nuts he went down he puked and every guy there squirmed   
  One time some friends of mine and I were talking about disgusting sex acts.  I thought one up, and it was generally agreed that it was the most disgusting act possible by a human being.  None of us have been able to beat it.  All I'm going to tell you about it is that it involves a cookie cutter and a baby.  
  I have to pay 500 dollars to replace the door panell on my moms 2002 suburban.  The lowbrow part is we planned to blame it on the dog so my dad would pay, but my mom told me later "I just couldn't do that to the dog."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The clerk was unusually friendly.  I got a lot of grins as I walked down the street.  A boy I'd had a crush on years before stopped me and chatted me up.  It wasn't until I got home that I realized that my shirt had come unbuttoned almost to my belly button.  I'm living in a Seinfeld episode here.  
  As i go into a bar and take a seat next to this hot chick in a short dress. I gives her a quick once over then look to my watch. She notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No, " I reply, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued she asks, "State-of-the-art? What does it do?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," I explain. "What is it telling you now?" she asks. "Well it sais you aren't wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I just happen to be wearing panties!" With a slight smile I reply, "Damn -- this thing must be an hour fast!"   
  I was in Wal-Mart the other night when this guy walks up and hands me a pin with a small paper attached to it.  The paper read something like:  "I'm deaf, this pin costs me 30 cents, i got it here on isle 30, but since i have a (supposed) hadicap, would you buy it from me for $3.00?"  Or some shit.  I handed it back to him and walked away.  Anyway, i remember that Kroger is having a sale on 3 ltr Coke, and is cheaper than Wally-World at the moment, so i head over there, get my Coke, and make my way to the cashier via the fresh produce section, where afore-mentioned (supposed) deaf pin salesman is talking quite normaly with his wife/girlfriend.  They have, in their possesion, a can of Whipped Cream and a box of strawberries.  Deaf my ass.  I feel sorry for all the people who REALLY need us to buy those pins, who will now go without because of this turd.   
  i'm at work right now... and my boss is on the phone trying to order some chemicals for some scientist upstairs... he keeps mumbling, "shit... damnit, damnit, assholes, fuck"  I hear him hang up the phone and he yells.  "SHIT!!!!   FUCK!!!!"    i love my job  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What must it feel like owning one of those shitty, run-down hotels at the edge of town where every room is taken up by a hooker?  Do you really even bother to clean the pool?  
  ....So the moral of the story, kids, is never stick your head in a wood chipper.  
  Keith: "What's a hot-plate?"  Matt: "Well, you grab a plate...from the kitchen.  Then grab a paper towel...one sheet.  Put the microwave on high for 6 minutes...with the paper towel on it.  It has to be 6 minutes for it to work.  Then you use the paper towel to clean things in your room like mirrors and dressers.  Fold it up and then light one end as if it were incense.  This can be used to cover up the smell of weed and stoners like the way it smells."  Keith: "Wait a minute, all I do is burn it and it smells like incense?  ...Wow, that's cool."  Keith believed it.  
  Theres a middle eastern saing that goes something like this:  To get the job done, do a woman. For pleasure, a young boy. For ecstasy, a fresh melon.  Im gonna buy me a cantalope.  I'll post about it later.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so there i was, waiting to plead my case for a speeding ticket. and up to the front walks this couple. a young boy, about 14 comes out of the jail part of the courthouse. the judge discusses with the couple (who were the boys parents) the charges against him: stealing a stereo from a neighbors house. the case is dealt with, they move on. the couple stays standing before the judge. a young girl, about 15 comes out of the jail part of the courthouse. this is the couples daughter. she is charged with selling fake crack to an undercover cop. her case is discussed and the couple still remains up front. a woman in her 30s steps out of the jailhouse. she is there for drug possessiom and endangering a minor. she is the wifes sister. at this point just about the whole court is snickering at this poor couple, whose entire family seems to not only be in jail, but must have all been arrested in the same weekend. see you on jerry springer folks.   
  "Quick, gimme 355 CC's of Coke"(The soft-drink).  That's what I heard anyways...  
  My girlfriend and I hadn't seen each other in awhile and needed to find a place shadier than the front of the mall parking lot at 11pm.  After parking behind the mall and commencing acts of pleasure some dim lights roll up behind the car. The security gaurd then comes to the door that corresponded to my girlfriends pantyless ass, cracks it (the car door) open, and tells us we can't do that in a mall parking lot and need to leave.  I pull my pants up, interrupting my part of the pleasuring situation, hop in the driver seat, and crank the car.   We laughed about it all the way home.  
  Amidst the piss and "suck my dick"  Read I this, just above the lid   -a glance to the left revealed the lore  as I bared my cleft, like truckers before-  worn by many gaze, the letters bright:  "Jesus is the way to eternal life"        
  When typing "hotmail.com" into your browser, be sure not to type "hotmale.com". It's not the same thing.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
    Tried to slide the chair back so I could go inside and tend to my teapot. I fell out of my chair, knocked the one over next to me, and lay dazed on the porch for a good minute. If only somebody had been there to see it, I wouldn't have laughted like an idiot by myself...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went on a date with a guy that I had known for a week or so. He had seemed nice enough.   After a nice drive, some nice conversation, and a stroll in the park, he turns to me. Within moments, I had a big, disgusting tongue shoved down my throat.  I pushed him away and laughed hysterically for a minute. This must have been a turn on, because he tried again.   When I told him I wasn't into him, he said...  "Well I guess a blowjob is out of the question".  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         all i really wanted was my life to have a moody ry cooder soundtrack instead of this incessant buzz of terminal technical tinitis        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have been caught picking my nose by just about everyone in my office.  people walk by my office and i am just sitting there, one hand on the mouse and the other sticking fingers up my nose. i make feeble attempts to yank my digit out of there, but i am always a bit slow (engrossed in 'brow, probably)  i am not a "nose-picker!" i don't do it at home on the couch or in the car at stop-lights or alone in bed; in any of the other 'classic' spots.  it's just something about being at work that brings it on.  i'd like to think it is a physical expression of my disdain for my job, but it ain't like i am wiping the boogers on the company fax machine or anything.  i just flick them in the general direction of my garbage can.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I made my first trip to a strip club yesterday. My last trip. One of the strippers, a chick named Breeze, reached out when i wasn't looking, and grabbed my nipple so hard that I yelled out. (I looked at it later, and it was all red, where the blood had pulled to the surface.) But I let it go, and wasa even nice enough to go up to the stage to tip her.  In her wild contoring, she kicked me in the head with one of her high heels.  After she got done dancing, she walked over to me to apologize, and when I turned, she burned me with her cigarrette.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          A few random lowbrow quotes from my wonderfully degenerate work environment:   sq: "Cleaner and I are at that 'share-the-viscosity-of-your-bowel-movements' level in our relationship."  ks: "I'm gonna open your skull and show you the stupid parts."  dn: "I hate kids.  I saw this kid riding back and forth on his bike, up and down the street in front of the house, so I went out and pushed him over."  mf: "You have to suck very good cock in order to have me open the firewall for you."  jl: "There's a new type of subatomic particle.  It's the Oppression particle. And there seems to be a high concentration of them in my cubicle."  sq: "My headphones suck dick." ks: "Oh.  (pause)  Hey... can I borrow your headphones?"  jl: "I had a dildo for breakfast.  What did you have?"  sq: "You should go pursue that nine-year-old at the icerink." jl: "No, she wasn't that cute at all.  (pause)  Oh, and she was only nine anyway."  jl: "What's this movie?  Is this Conan?  I've never actually seen this, who plays Conan?"  cy: "I can see how this genuine, nonrhetorical question, without tonal/facial cues, could be erroneously interpreted as hostile."  cy: "That's the problem with Mom jokes - they're just so easy." am: "Your mom is easy." cy: "See what I mean?"  jh: "I didn't realize I was homosexual until I started drinking."  sq: "Where the hell were you when I needed you?  I was trying to drive the electric screwdriver into his crotch, and I needed help holding him down!" th: "I looked back, and you looked like you were doing okay."  am: "To balance the fruity goodness of having everything come together, we are gonna go break some things now."  jh: "Who's got attitude right now?  Who?  Me. It's Me.  Anybody want to fuck with me right now?  No!  The answer's No."  am: "Can you start the question again?  I was too busy wanting to kill you to hear what you said."  rg: "Throat me, squint-eye."  rb: "I like my women like I like my coffee." sq: "Dark and Bitter?" rb: "Drunk."  mm: "If anyone in the office has a baseball bat, dial 176."  th: "Secret of Monkey Island their ass." sq: "'Secret of Monkey Island' is a verb?"  sq: "Can somebody demonstrate the random horror bug for me?" rb: "I don't think so.  It's random.  (pause)  Potato.  (pause)  There, that was random." am: "...and this is why we fail."  rg: "Good fences make good neighbors, Bitch."  jh: "I have been belittled to a loathesome, degenerate whoreson.  A loathesome degenerate whoreson is what I am."  rg: "The power of Christ compiles you."  hj: "Nilla wafers - the other white meat."  am: "I've been getting by on good looks and creativity these past few days." sq: "Wow.  You must be extraordinarily creative."  sq: "I'll bet you three pennies out of that plastic cup against your eternal soul that that's not the case." jh: "Let's go."  jl:  "What is that?" sq:  "It's a tattoo of Willie Nelson." jl:  "Where's the penis?" sq:  "Um, I think you got the wrong gender.  It's female." jl:  "Oh.  (pause)  Is that a tattoo?" sq:   "God DAMMIT." -- ten seconds later -- jl:  "Who's Willie Nelson?"  ld: "I will flog you with this fucking pixie stick if you make baby jesus cry."  jl: "I'm here to make your job easier." rg: "But...  that's not my job." jl: "I'm here to make what's not your job easier."  jl: "why isn't josh in the game?" ld: "because your mom's underneath his desk, sucking his dick." jl: "why aren't you in the game?" ld: "because your grandma's underneath my desk, waiting for mine." jl: "my grandmother's dead, dude." ld: "oh, so that's why her lips were so dry."  jm: "I'm just saying, if you wanna get it on with my sister, you gotta give me your cock in a box."  rg: "Programmer underscore humor."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My boss' senile father fills in for him on Saturdays, and he is not muttering to himself how he should have had an eggs for lunch.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To err is human; to forgive is bovine.  
  I want to be a lawyer.  
  I had just flown back to L.A. from Vegas.  I'm waiting in the Super Shuttle van with a couple other folks.  One more passenger to pick up; an attractive blond woman, maybe 30 years old, with about 4 tons of baggage is pushed up in a wheelchair.  She seems to have been crying, and then strangely, gets up out of the chair.  Nothing wrong with her legs... She goes to get in the van, then BUMP!, her head hits the top of of the van.  Seems like her night went from bad to worse.  She sits in the seat next to me and crys a little.  We get moving and she starts telling me about her experiences of the night:  crappy flight from the Netherlands, some crazy boyfriend break-up, he stole her passport, so she lands in L.A. and they detain her in security for 3 hours, she's a fucking mess.  I decide to be the nice and supportive stranger.  Figure she's had enough of apathetic people, even though as she reveals things about herself, she clearly isn't totally together.  Maybe even on some stabilizing medication.  She gets comfortable with me and as we get close to her stop, she asks if I 'drink'.  I do, and she says she has some vodka, asks me to come to her room to "talk". While she is getting her bags and talking to the motel clerk, the driver is telling me (in a street-smart kind of way) that I don't want to get involved with her type.  She's bad news. I think for a moment; it's almost 3 am and I have to be at work at 8 am.   She really wants me to come back to her room. Hmm. I decline.  I go home, the van driver says I did the right thing.   Try as I might, I still can't convince myself that's true.  Either I took heed of a simple man's wisdom, or I listened to what a frickin' airport shuttle driver told me to do.  Somebody hit me.  
  Back in the day, when I was 14, I was with a girl. She was a slut. She was the kind of chick who would start to blow you, then stop. She had never finished anybody. My friend was in the room. She was alternating between blowing the two of us. She wouldn't finish either. Now she was blowing me. I was sitting on top of her while she  sucked away. Finally I neared the apocalypse.  "I'm about to..." I told her. I fucking told her that. She heard me. She pulled me out of her mouth, put her hand in front, and kept jerking away. I said fuck it and shot my load all over her face and hair and my friends bed. She doesn't like me much. Fuck it. I warned her.  
  I just read umcpong's moment about rolling at Disneyland, and it reminded me of one of my own experiences.  When I was in high school in Florida, DisneyWorld had this event called Grad Night: all the seniors in the state were invited to the park for a night, just seniors, to run wild and wreak havoc by ourselves in Disneyland all night long. We had to dress up in "church clothes" for admission to the park, which was kind of weird, but the other factors made it seem like a small tradeeoff.   The pamplets made it abundantly clear that everyone would be thoroughly searched at the entrance to the park, and that we shouldn't even THINK about bringing contraband such as drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol with us. Of course we ignored this.   We spent panstaking hours packing cigarettes into tampons so we could smuggle them in. Five of us dropped acid on the bus en route. I could tell it was starting to kick in when I looked out the window to see Mickey Mouse-shaped hedges, and we giggled for about an hour straight. A girl named Leslie doublebagged some pot and shoved up her crotch.   When we got there, there was a brief pat-down and a glance inside our bags to make sure there weren't any guns or warheads, and we were in.   We rode Space Mountain only once; the moving stars and displays and shit in the queue were way more entertaining than the ride itself, but they weren't worth waiting in line to experience them a second time. The first ride we rode was Small World, and it was absolutely amazing. Of course, we were the only people on the ride, since the other sober seniors were way too hip for it, but we ate that shit up. The apathetic guy running the ride just let us go through four or five times in a row.   There are these little doors in the rides that I suppose must be used for maintenance or something, but you'd have to crawl to get through them. I kept teasing the people that were with me and telling them that that's where they put the bad kids, so they'd better behave themselves. Two in particular, Dan and Lloyd, were terrified. The girls that were with us cackled hysterically whenever I slyly mentioned it.   We went to the haunted house, and as we were leaving, Dan said something snide to one of the attendants standing outside it, and the attendant followed us around the park for what seemed like hours, grinning up at us through his eyebrows with a sinister sort of Dannie Darko smile. Dan was close to tears when the guy finally went away.  We finished the night smoking a bowl behind Cinderella's castle while Britney Spears performed in front of it, fishing cigarettes out of tampon applicators while dressed in flowered dresses and heels or khakis and ties respectively.   Sometimes I really miss high school.  
  When you put saran wrap over the toilet seat, also disable the light bulb.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         MY ideal death is the most amazingly thought out plan. It's my funeral too. I want to take my wife/girlfriend/whoever is willing, and fuck her to the point of climax  and dive into a volcano timing it perfectly so that I hit the molten rock in time of orgasm. we would be a miracle.  A wonderful pornographic jesus made of liquid rock a solid fleshy beauty. I can't wait to see it on T.V in hell.  
  waiting in line for the single-stall women's room at lunch. a woman clomps down the stairs and sees me waiting. 'you on line?' she asks. i nod. she looks towards the men's room and grins. 'let's see how the other half lives,' she said. 'do you not feel comfortable with that?' i laugh uncomfortably as she squeezes past me to try and jar open the door. she succeeds about 10% of the way in, and her inquisitiveness is met by the door being slammed shut loudly. ten seconds later, the door opens, and a man walks out, giving us a stern look.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  In the hot, summer sun the co-workers stood smoking by the dumpster.  One man began to flail about wildly.  he:  "Fuckin A!  Fuckin big bee!"  me:  "Fuckin really big C!"  all:     I am the cheese.    
  For all you men who have voiced concern on the Brow about your member leaning to one side...  Don't sweat it. It gives you character, something that differentiates you from all the others out there. Plus, in a blind prick test, your lady will always be able to pick out which is yours.    
  I actually got to witness this one. She stood where she'd popped up from behind the car, wiping her mouth, as her husband repeated over and over "But what are you DOING back there?" She might have gotten away with it if the guy also behind the car hadn't fallen over trying to pull up his pants while crouched down and rolled to a stop in front of the husband.  But the game wasn't entirely up until the husband insisted upon kissing her and recoiled at the taste.  I love block parties.   
  Not Understanding The Concept, #17  Cheerleading squads dressed in pantsuits.  
  "you know i've found that the more unusual a person tries to look, the less interesting they are to talk to"  "wow" i said "nice pants"  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Behind the desk entry #1  I work for a computer distributor. I manage the sales team. They've recently "promoted" me to purchasing as well. Basically doing the job of 3 people.  I get the stupidest requests from the sales team. How'd I ever not notice the level of stupidity around here.  him: Hey, can we order the parallel dongle switch for autocad ver x.xxx?  me: uhm...  him: the client really wants it.  me: do we sell autocad?  him: uh, no?  me: do you see autocad on our pricelist?  him: no  me: Then why in God's name would you think I can get something like that?  him: But the client wants it.  me: ...  Needless to say, there's a reason all the major manufacturers send you those plushy squeezie release stress things. You really, really, really, need them.  
  I'm assuming it's wrong to recieve a blowjob from your best friend's recent ex-gf in the back of his car... I bet it's even more wrong that he was driving at the time.  The look on his face could have started a plague.  
  The test of true love:  If you think you're in love with someone, vividly imagine them on the can taking a big smelly crap.  If you still feel the same about them after that, it's probably love.  
  What is it that they put in bleach that makes it taste so funny?  
  Bookstore Karma  What the hell is it about bookstores??? Everytime I go into a bookstore, I start farting. And not just any farts! Oh no! These are the big, steaming, green cloud from Hell farts. The kind that stank up the whole damn aisle, and invariably; I mean it's downright un-fucking-canny, right after I do the deed and evacuate the aisle, some sweet hot looking girl will come sashaying along, right through the evil cloud of ass-stench. I don't know whether to laugh or be horrified. Most of the time, I just try to quickly and quietly move to the other side of the bookstore. All hail the advent of on-line bookstores!  
  Anatidaephobia: The fear that somehow or somewhere a duck is watching you.  
  We were peacefully slumbering all spooned up together me and my new boyfriend.  Post coital dreams passing through our brains like little white fluffy clouds of..."What the fuck"?! That's right I farted directly on his leg.  The sound tearing through me and rippling like a strong wind across his naked flesh.  Quick what to do...pretend to still be sleeping of course.  
  One fun thing about being bisexual is that there's twice as much eye candy as there is for anyone else.  The best thing though is that you can look at a hot couple and wonder if they're looking for a third.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         gym teachers wear the funniest lookin shorts on the planets....but they are mostly all fuckin perverts anyways  
  the strip club in the town i live in is a converted double wide trailer.  there is a woman there who dances with a raccoon.  you can see fleas jumping on the pool table.  i've been kicked out.  how lowbrow is  that?   
  I was given 3 options.  1) peep the local bar and maybe score with a chick  2) stay at home, order a pizza.. watch an elite movie  3) go to a local marching band festival  ... ...  look at all those trumpets.  my, my.       
  "Have you decided on something?" she asked looking at the menu he wastapping on the counter.  "Give me a Sierra."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Didja ever notice how the SF Municipal Railway Fare Inspectors have uniforms (and postures) that are extremely reminiscent of the nazi brown-shirts?   Make ya wonder...      
  taking a smoke break outside the bookstore where i work. woman in an suv pulls into the handicapped spot and runs into the store with her stillettoes and miniskirt--no handicapped tags, no obvious handicap. i'm taking the last drag off of my cigarette when she runs back out with a bag full of books. and trips on the handicap ramp. and rolls around on the ground, clutching her ankle in agony.  i had to duck inside because i was laughing so hard.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was browsing the poster rack of the local indy record store when i came across an N*SYNC poster where they're all marionettes and i thought  "oh, how appropriate...."  
  I was at a local McDonalds one night with a friend and three of his friends, and one of them said, "I thought anal beads were a type of lube," in a loud voice.  I'm sure the parents sitting next to us were real thrilled when on their ride home they had to explain what anal beads were to their kids.  
  I hate using lotion to jerk off.  Every time I do the only stuff available is that apple smelling shit.  Apples and cum don't mix.  
  I'm a cock tease. I shave, and I make sure people know it. I have a pierced tongue. I never wear underwear, and I never go all the way.  
  Yet aother cute young checkout girl. Me: "You'd be a lot cuter if you didn't constantly chew gum -- especially with your mouth open..." Startled look, then she went into pure cold profesional mode. The advice was friendly, heartfelt, and honest, but somehow didn't have the desired effect...  
  i can't take it anymore the fights the drugs the screaming the unpaid bills she is an addict how did things get so bad? too young for this drama there isnt anyone to talk to dad is over the edge the family is consumed with dad christmas morning in a psych ward who is there for me? i can do this load the .38 hollow tips, full metal jacket one shot is all i need lay it on the table and think looking at it shine one squeeze and its done so easy pain? i already hurt... this is easy must tell mom i love her reach for the phone dial the number she answers "MOM, I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT" she knows what i am going to do she cries she tells me she loves me she tells me she needs me she tells me she is sorry she tells me she is there for me too she cares i can't hurt her she has already been hurt we talk for a while we hang up if i am not going to die then i better find reasons to live 10 years ago to the day   
  Ode To My New Rack  My Rack Real or Synthetic? My Rack Once the scars heal no one will be able to tell. My Rack Heaving Orbs of Natural GOODNESS? My Rack Just a couple of sacks-o-salt? My Rack I may never leave my apartment again My Rack Except to buy skimpy non-supportive, yet easily removed slingshots  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ok...  So right now I've got this really crappy job.  My company is starting to tank, my boss is a total asshole and a lousy manager to boot, and subsequently I'm seriously looking for a new gig.  Given the new, new, *new* economy we're in right now, it's taking a bit longer than I originally planned.  To pass the time at work I've started playing this game - "What Would Johnny Do?"  The premise is simple.  I sit there and try to imagine all the different ways Johnny Cash would quit my job.  It's really quite therapeutic.  
  On every major holiday, my cousin invariably winds up in a dingy topless/bottomless strip club, looking at skanky dancers through snail trails on the glass encasing the stage. Between sets, they wander through the tables fully clothed and collect their dollars. Christmas, Easter, you name it.  Not sure this is exactly what Christ had in mind...  
  I asked my boyfried to do my laundry one day.   " Yeah I washed your underwear. There was a bacon streak in the back and cream in the front. It was like a breakfast platter"    I will never ask again  
  my long distance girlfriend recently sent me a package full of stuff for me, and something for my little brother so he wouldn't feel left out. She sent my brother a half eaten baby bottle pop, and me a bunch of stuff that she wrapped in her bed sheets to keep it from getting knocked around in the mail... I noticed they were the same sheets that were on her bed when I last came to visit for spring break, the ones we slept together on and that they still smelled like us... so I sewed them into pants... really... cool... barney... good-smelling pants.. so I was telling her how cool they were on MSN and how I wanted to eat my brother's candy because she had sucked on it and I said "yeah well we had sex on my pants, so I guess I win" and it turns out an aquaintance was sitting there reading over her shoulder.. there was a bit of an awekward silence as my girlfriend shook her head and said "I can't believe you just said that"  
  My boss just looked at me and said, "With your luck, if you fell into a barrel of pricks, you'd come up sucking your thumb."  His tone didn't reveal whether he thought that was good or bad luck.   
  i just realized i can hit f5 to reload this page. now i don't have to click with my left hand as i hold a bottle of wine/beer/liquor or a cigarette.   hooray.    - fragment_@hotmail.com     Yeah, well don't try that with a bong...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The pen i use to pick earwax with at work has been missing for a couple of weeks. Not that i use it to write anything with, of course.  Got it back today when my boss asked me to sign a paper. Getting my old earwax all over her hands seems like a fitting punishment for stealing my pen.   I'm thinking of going on an ear-picking-binge and then give it to her again.    
  When I was a lad my Grandmother used to jokingly (?) tell me about a practice called "railroading."  Apparently this is when you wear your underwear inside out after wearing them as normal, thus extending your usage.  Yuck.  This from the woman who called underwear "crevice crawlers."  And I'M the weird one in my family?  
  The first real sexual experience I had was a blowjob in my parents' basement. The TV was on, and HBO was showing "Steel Magnolias".  I really liked the fact that I could watch the movie, and she couldn't tell because she was sucking me off.  
  Surfing the internet...just found a picture of one of my exs from his awkward teenage years.    Time between discovery and mass mailing to friends: 45 seconds ('cause of the laughter).  
  The Universal System Of Cattiness:  Girls don't have friendships, only alliances. We communicate not for a cathartic end, but for information: a bartering system of shallowness. Have a new boyfriend? You call all your allies ostensibly to celebrate. But it really means "hands off, you whore." Birthday? You'd better get something from her of equal or greater value than what you gave. Or she's out, excommunicated, ostracized, badmouthed behind her back. What, someone was talking about me? You have to know the intimate twistings and turnings of your diplomatic relationships. That's what it is: a complex system of flattery, diet secrets and how hot everyone else in your clique looks in comparison to you.You can't go shopping with that one friend, because, well, she's ten sizes bigger than you. Sure, you like feeling thin next to her, but your "omigawd, I feel bloated" quota is up for the month. It's a social obligation as binding as the edict about public nudity. It's disgusting.         
  We sat in the clubhouse at  the Paiute's golf course and resort (all that green framed by the desolate desert) and talked about all the rich white people who have taken to Native American religion now that we've gotten rid of their culture.  "Nothing makes a lifestyle more appealing than the fact that it's vanished," my friend said.  Some guy with puffy pale thighs missed a putt right below us.        
  "He knew that when he threaded his fingers through the triangle of hair at the apex of her thighs she would be moist."  I came back to my dorm room to find the above excerpt written on my message board.   I love my friends.  
  I'm actually going to attend my high school reunion. Not because I want to "reconnect" with my classmates or "revive" old acquaintanceships... no, I just want the chance to tell anyone I can about the ex (who I know isn't attending) and how he's using his time in prison for child sex and beastiality constructively.  He's actually a sales rep in Colorado. Hi, Art!  
  OK, I had just found lowbrow. I read a few comments, laughed, posted a moment or two of my own. Read the about page... blah blah blah.  My job sucks. I sit at my computer at work and surf the web all day. So, I opened up the Windows Calculator, and did some math.  Hmm... about 7000 comments. Figure one minute per comment... figure four hours per day... that's 29 whole days of lowbrow!  Lowbrow moment number 3.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was waiting on tables and was in the weeds on a busy Friday. I finally got to my table who had been waiting for over 15 minutes. I hadn't even looked up, when I noticed I forgot my pen in the kitchen. Upon my arrival back, I apologized for being such a "retard" when I noticed that 3 of the 6 people sitting there actually were. It was a long night after that one....        
  my very first job was pumping gas. The job also invloved cleaning the toilets from time to time.  I had the best range of cleaning agents.  I found the best way to start the cleaning process was with a high preassure water hose and an empty stomache.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I threw a handful of pot seeds into the field of the school the day I graduated.  They probably died.  
  It was late, we were in his room, I was bored out of my mind. Without him asking (not that he complained), I reached in his pants and pulled out his junk and gave him a hand job. After he blew his load and rested, I thought perhaps he would return the favor. He didn't. Sheesh, some people are so inconsiderate.   
   I used to get so bored at my old job I would blow half the guys in the  maintennance dep't while at work. I only did the guys who pretended to show interest in me, when all they really wanted were my tits. I'd smile and invite one to follow me into a storage closet or the men's room. I'd make a big show out of kneeling down, whipping off my shirt, undoing my bra, and dripping a little oil (I always carried lubricant and a tissue packet) between my breasts. They'd sit on the toilet, whip it out, and stick it between my tits, which I'd squeeze together with my hands and go up and down. They came quick. We'd both clean ourselves up fast, and walk back out trying to control our trembling. I figured if we got busted on the way out, I'd say we were having a private conversation! But since I don't look like the type and was always careful, I never got caught.  Once was enough for most of them. I should mention I didn't really like any of these guys, and found out one of the easiest ways to get rid of a guy is to say "let's get this over with" early. If you're half willing at all, that is. And believe me, you had to be stoned to do what I did all day, and I don't do drugs. Eventually I stopped because (this is funny) I got so good at getting away with it that it got old. I don't do that anymore; haven't for years. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise. Recently I ran into one of the guys. He's a local scenemaker and remembers me very well. This, after I thought I'd put it all behind me. Was I ever...           
  why do cocky little teenagers only ever take the piss out of u when you are about 6 miles away  
  Long ago, walking to the local bar on New Year's Eve with the (soon to be ex) spouse and the asshole starts yet another fight. On and on and on, yammer yammer yammer... "my mom was right about you, you never really know what you're doing, you're so fucking stupid..."  Just as we get to the bar, I swerve to the curb, dragging him with me by the arm, and kick over a huge motorcycle and shove him on top of it. As the gigantic, shaven-headed, tattoo'd, raving angry drunken biker stormed out of the bar, I scampered in the door shrieking "Danny! What the hell did you do that for?" It was the best New Year's Eve I ever had, and once he got the casts off, he moved out. And never said one word about it.  Who says I never know what I'm doing, you dick?  
  While smoking a cigarette, my friend follows my example of spitting on the awning over the entrance to our dorm building.  "Ew, there is some coloration in mine. I hope it's starburst, not blood." I take a look, and we agree it's starburst.   
  Sitting in a bar, alone, slurping martini after martini.  Money gone; no one around worth hustling, and not ballsy enough to ask for a tab.  Staggering outside, watching my shadow sloping away from me on the concrete.  Finding myself standing in front of two different former lover's houses, not having the guts to ring their doorbells, but hissing and growling at the top of my lungs as I glare into their darkened windows.  Waking up in the hallway of my apartment in a puddle of my own urine.  Another night out.  
  i'm most of the way back from austin when i see a guy with about 6 bikes on his car going in reverse down a 200 yard interstate onramp.  when he was very near the end (or beginning, as it were) he almost took it in the ass from one of those giant $50K suv's.  the tardo with the bikes panicked and backed into the ditch.  it was relieving to see that no one was hurt but i was secretly disappointed that that stupid motherfucker didn't flattened by the ford monstrosity.  i was phrasing the lowbrow moment in my head before they were out of sight.  
  stopped off at a gas station in the middle of nowhere to grab a snack.  i grab some stuff and go to the counter and the clerk is a large lump of a woman and... holy shit she has a moustache.  not those fine, small hairs or the translucent peach fuzz type that you can just ignore but a big thick moustache.  i divert my eyes and focus on her nametag to confirm that yes, she is in fact woman.  she makes small talk and i'm trying to look away from it but that fucking stache!  i can't take my eyes away!  it's actually glossy, i swear to god.  they should make that gas station a tourist attraction.  
  My friend wanted to take drugs, but was scared of the risk. I told her:  Weed is like a roller coaster. Millions of people do it every day, every so often one or 2 people gets hurt, and the media likes to publicize it.  Ecstasy is like skydiving. There is some risk, that's why you need to have a professional with you--preferably holding your hand the whole time.  Crack and Heroin are like cliff diving. You can do it if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you about the rocks at the bottom.  
  My buddy claims that when he was in Tijuana, he saw a Taco Bell .  Right down the street of course you could get twice as much better tasting food for half the price. He stared in the window and saw a large American family eating t c s and b rr t s...  
    ill be 14 in 2 months. when i was 12 my mom told m i was the biggest mistake of her life. in other words a result of a bad condom.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm white, but I related best with the blacks in juvenile hall because I was shunted around in foster homes and rejected at school (new schools all through my childhood) and called names and so forth.  They took me in.  I just did a lot of listening, but I also learned racism.  It's deeper than any foster home shit or fat person shit or what ever else some of us go through.  Racism is disgusting because it's totally ignorant and cruel to the heart of a person.  
  By far the best thing about wearing a skirt is how easy it is to scratch your ass.  
  if i had know that i'd turn out this way, i'd have eaten more of those red berries in the yard as a child.  
  While showering the other day  I stumbled upon the fact that I have what can only be described as excessive and gratutious nipple hair. One of them is roughly 3 inches long. I can't figure out whether or not I should shave it all off though. Sure it's odd and unattractive, but it's pretty damn distinct as far as I can tell. How many people can claim to be the King of Nippe Hair afterall?  
  So I'm sitting in my office, which overlooks the small music store I work in. I manage to hit my funny-bone on the back of my chair, causing me to squeal (loudly). While I'm simultaneously laughing and crying, my manager yells up from the sales floor to find out what happened. I tell him, and he tells me to do it again because it sounded like fun. I shout back that it was the biggest thrill I'd had in a long time. That's when he told me I need to get new batteries. What's more Lowbrow? Having a man twice my age (I'm a 23 year old woman) feel comfortable enough to tell me that in the workplace.... Or that he was right?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I saw the ultimate mullet today. Jerry curls on the top, long ass rat tail looking curls going down the back. I felt for a moment that i could get hit by a car, and my life would be complete. Then i realized there is more to life than an ultimate mullet.  
    I turned 30 recently. 30. I'd been dreading it for a couple years, but when the time came, it passed quietly. I got way too many presents from my girlfriend and drank a few too many Jack and Cokes with my best friend while looking at strippers, and that was that.    I think my biggest complaint about turning 30 is that I still don't feel like an adult.    A couple years ago, I made a comment about the disgusting treat my friends' son selected from the convenience store, and he replied,"Adults always think sugar is gross." My first thought was, "Who the hell is he talking about?"   
  I read that Lowbrow about the guy who said he was yelled at for posting an empty moment.  I just had to know if he was telling the truth or not, so I posted a blank one.  I'm sorry too.        
  My friends and I are out the back of our college smoking our brains out... when we notice this big white figure standing near the wall. It looked like a naked white woman.   What the fuck was it, really?   We decided to try figure out, thinking it couldn't be a person, that it had to be some white plastic bags caught in the trees - looking like a woman. So we were paranoid and stoned and approached her.  She told us to "Fuck off"... she was getting laid.  
  I heard noises coming from the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest object I could find, a pair of scissors in the bathroom.  I snuck around to one of my roomates rooms and tried to get him to come with me to kill whoever had broken into our house.  He is so fuckin' worthless that he looks up at me, blinks a few times, and gets pissed off that I'm interrupting his sleep.    After this and many other things, I don't feel bad for using his towel to wipe my ass...a nice white towel.  there are only 3 of us here.  He never figured out who it was.    
  I had a bit of a rough time as a teenager, due to a nuerotic, vidictive, depressive and manipulative mother, who was prone to prescription drug addicion, but always maintained that I'd had a 'normal' childhood.  Till i found myself the other day telling a friend how I knew what withdrawel symptoms were at the age of four and a half.  Uh - maybe not as normal as i thought...    
  I saw a brow about some guy ashamed of his deformed dick  Hey man  Don't feel bad  My ass is hairy like a jungle  We all have our quirks  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I have a habit of twirling my gum around my finger and then sucking it off," she said.  "Hmm," i said. "Better than having a habit of picking your ass."  
  trying to shoot my coworker, i accidently shot a patron of the restaurant with pam(the nonstick cooking spray). while i hid and watched him in case he told on me(i wasnt sure if he realized he had been the victim of a random pamming), his punk rawk daughter glared at me knowingly. she knew i had just shot her dad with pam.  i ran around the corner and shot a waitress with pam.  i love pam.  
  Living in eastern Iowa is the nadir of my existence.  Somehow, someway, it is even worse than the time I spent living in South Dakota.  At least in South Dakota I could get laid without too much of a hassle.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went out with a woman and when she came to meet me at my job she was carrying 13 washed out pickle jars.  If this sounds out of the ordinary you should read my book.  She also was dressed in the same pants as she wore the day before except today they had writting all over them as if her and her friends had gone on a binge with speed and DR.Pepper being the victims.  It turns out she was trying to raise money to travel by dancing half naked in the park and using the jars as tip recepticles.  Needless to say no one gave her money but she did pick up a blue button, 4 matches and the left arm from a G.I.Joe action figure.  When trying to figure out why it is that I attract crazy burds...I was given some great advice that I have lived by for some time now.  "The park is not a great place to meet women, chances are they are there cause the park is the only free place around these days."  On the upside I picked my self up a mint left arm from a cobra commander action figure!  
  I was walking by an ATM that was malfunctioning yesterday.  It was spitting out ten dollar bills right onto the street.   There was a young man, early twenties maybe... picking up the money and shoving it into his pocket.   I told the man " You don't seem to be thinking about the other people. You don't seem like a bad guy, but that money might be a deprived family's food budget. You might be stealing some childs future. You might be taking away an elderly couples only means of support. You need to put faces behind the bills."   When he was pondering the moral ramifications of his actions, I beat him over the head with a steel pipe and stole his wallet. I used the money to go to a stripclub.   I ran out of money eventually, so I went back and picked up the ten dollar bills from the sidewalk.   Ya know, I was right. Putting a face behind the bills does make the decision that much clearer.   I really f*cking hate kids and old people.    
  so, i'm on a trip with a bunch of people from school to Colorado and we've been driving thru the most barren and flat state ever, we dont know which... we get out at the rest stop and my friend Kenny says " You know what sucks?... Kansas"  
  I love women.  When I hang out at the gay coffeehouse (great atmosphere, weird people, unbelievable coffee), I don't mind when people ask if I'm gay or assume I'm gay (it happens, not too often, but it's an expected thing considering the clientel).    Because I love women just that much.  You can't get angry at someone for thinking you're someone you're not if you know you could never be that person.  Strangely enough, someone once called me a "Hitler wanna-be," and I got so pissed that I beat their ass into the ground without realizing what I was doing.  Hmmm.  Anyway...  I love all kinds of women too, because every one of them is a work of art in her own way.  I love the secret little curves on a woman's body.  Not the ones in the obvious areas, but the other ones: the side of her rib cage, that hair-hidden spot at the back of her neck, the back edge of her armpit.  I worship at the altar of Woman, really I do.  I consider myself a feminist (not to be confused with feminazi), I have beaten three asses and got my own ass beat five times by picking fights with complete strangers who were treating their women like shit.  Twice this has gotten me laid, both times after recieving a grade A large ass whuppin'.  Which brings me to questions: why would a man hit a woman?  Why would a woman allow a man to hit her?    The world would be a better place if everyone thought how I did.  Of course, it'd be a lot more boring, and there would be no Jerry Springer.    
  The other day on the subway I had an epiphany.  I hate everyone I don't know.  And the people I know?  I hate them especially.  
  Today was "Mrs. Dash Day" at my school's dining hall. I sat and ate my lunch staring at a banner that advised me, in 4-inch-high letters, to "Add Bold Favor to Any Meal With Salt Free Mrs Dash Seasoning Blends".  That was the most flavorless meal I've had there yet.  I added a lot of salt to it.  
  i realized while writing code that the electronic world is very much cleaner than our world. sure, the occasional bug. but no showering. no dirt. no sweat. no bad breath. no vomiting. no systematic disposal of waste.  no organic matter whatsoever.  
  You know, if you are afraid of putting your real email addy here, you could always get a free one at yahoo or any number of other sites.   I for one put my main one, just so I can see who hates me or who else has fucked their 6th grade english teacher.    
  We had the gummy bears soaking overnight in the bathtub of iced water.   They were finally ripe.  (swollen to the size of a small fist..they explode when thrown..think water balloons but ickier) We waited until he had locked his front door and put his keys away, then jumping out of the shrubbery with the bucket in between us. As he crmpled to the floor coverring his face from the gellatenous goop, I'm sure he was just about ready to admit that I knew more Simpsons trivia than he.   Dork wars.     
  Most amusing places I've had sex:  1) In the back of my car, in the parking lot of a Baptist church...left the condoms on the ground for the nice people to find and freak out about, thinking it's from some fallen youth in the 11 am Sunday School class.   2) On an American Flag beach towel on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. How patriotic.  3) Under a blanket on a couch, pants halfway down my ass, as my parents and 13-year-old cousin watch Spiderman in the next room. That'll teach them to beg me to come home all the time.   Maybe tomorrow I'll try it in the bathroom at my work. Gotta mark my territory there somehow.   
  Conversation with a co-worker:  Her - You need to stop smoking. Me - Hey, I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, I don't do the beauty shop thing, I'm not a clothes horse, I don't like to shop and I don't have sex. I have to do SOMETHING. Her - Listen, you're in a relationship and you fuck your brains out and then the relationship is over. Me - Yeah (wondering where this thought is going)? Her - "All that fucking was a waste." Me - Silence  
  I can sum up the mentality of most people with one word: Ketchup.  You can ask just about anyone what the best ketchup is, and they'll say "Heinz". Now ask them why. They will tell you, "Because it's thicker".  Now is it just me, or does it make more sense to like a ketchup because it tastes better, not because of its consistancy?  Yet people will swear by Heinz, because they are programmed from birth by the thousands of commercials they see telling them that thicker is better.  Sad, isn't it?  
  Sometimes I think horrible things like: You know those noises that walk/don't walk signs make when it's safe to cross?  They're pointless except for blind people.  I sometimes think about learning how to make those noises (chirp, chirp, etc) and stand on street corners chirping against the light. I used to be such a nice person, too.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once when I was little, I was filching jelly-bellys out of the little scoop-it-yourself-er at a local grocery store. I forgot what made me spill em, but some of them spilled on the floor. An old man down the aisle saw me and came over. I thought he was going to tell my parent or the police or the store manager. Instead he told me to eat the ones that had fallen on the floor. In a rare moment of courage, I pelted an old man with jelly-bellys.  
  ive seen the face of god.  the face of tjay.   take me, take me now.  
  It was the best dozen eggs I've ever abused, that's all I'm going to say about that.  
  working at the bakery, there was this nice old guy that would come in every day and get a toasted poppyseed bagel and a sticky bun.  mr. joe.  we'd even sometimes take his bagel out to him when it was done.  my last day there, mr. joe comes up to the counter to pay for the bagel.  he's standing there, open-mouthed, waiting on his bagel to finish toasting, when this enormous blob of viscous drool lands on the counter.  *shudder*.  just sit down -- i'll bring your stuff out to you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She talks less to me than she does with her supposed worst enemy in the whole world- our assistant manager, who, for all intents and purposes, raped her at a party right after she got done puking her guts out.  (At least she didn't get a toothbrush shoved up her ass.)  She gives me all that info listed above (which I didn't care to hear, by the way) after I tell her about him bragging about shagging her and three of her friends. She tells me that she hates him with a passion and is a heartbreak away from killing the bastard (or at least quitting her job).  And all I can say to her before I leave is "Cheer up."  I really need to brush up on my communication skills.    
  Do we attract what we fear sometimes?  I'm afraid of catching headlice. Once every couple of years I wash my hair with kerosene and comb it through. I figure that IF I have any lice, they won't survive a dousing with that! Plus, it makes the scalp feel almost surreally clean, to the point where you can feel every individual hair's tiniest shift in motion. Suuuper clean.   The problem is, that clean feeling is really that of a burnt scalp. When that happens, a person ends up growing a whole new scalp, so within 2-4 days, expect the OLD SCALP to shed-- that is, in the form of dandruff: threaded dandruff the size of small moths. It's unbelievably difficult to comb out.   The last time I had to deal with it, I went outside for a solid hour of haircombing. All these huge flakes of dry skin fluttered down on the patio floor. And if that wasn't gross enough, practically immediately, from out of nowhere, black ants showed up. They started must have thought they were in a for a real treat: they started carrying off the fallen dead skin TO EAT.   This is the grossest secret story I know, and I swear I'm not making it up.        
  God I hate it when I get to work I'm so fucking hung over that the coffee doesn't even help.  And I hate it even more when I sit down and realize my ass hurts again.  And then the memories from the dick in my ass from the night before flow back into my head and I wince.  A co-worker seen me sit wince and said "what's wrong?"  And I said "Just thinking my what my plans will be again tonight."  
  my sister came home for thanksgiving last week and brought her gal pal, and two lesbian friends.  they all shared a bed up the attic right above my bedroom.  the two other girls showered together, and let me tell you it is not a turn on to hear lesbians fucking at one in the morning, and then have to be the one who cleans the shower when they're done.  
  I was very excited to be going to McDonalds one breezy summer afternoon with my best bud, Rich. Now, I know that going to mcDonalds is not, per se, the most exciting thing to do, unless you are taking a new car through the drive-thru (isn't there a volkswagon commercial about that?) but, indeed, I was not taking a new car through the drive thru. My bud Rich and I were going, in person, into the McDonalds to sit and eat and joke and talk and do all the things that best buds do in fast food restaurants.  Oh, and I was wearing a cow outfit.  Now, depending on who you talk to, the cow outfit was either of no importance, or of great importance (and, therein lies a paralell to the national debt, I think) to the events which followed. but, for the edification of those who think the outfit important, it was a white/black spotted jumpsuit, with horns and four strategically-placed udders which squirted milk through a little hand pump. The whole thing cost maybe $30.00 at Spencer's and was bought for halloween.  And we walked into the McDonalds that summer afternoon and went up to the counter and my bud Rich ordered a super-sized #3. And when the teenager at the register asked me what I wanted for lunch I screamed  "CHICKEN" as loud as I could, and filled the following silence with "WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BE HERE FOR?"  Some children laughed. Others cried. Some just left. But we sat down after that, and ate lunch and talked and laughed and did the things buds do. And therein, I think, lies the moment.  
  Instructions on how to freebase a kitten:  Step 1: procure the kittens.  To start off, you should be able to obtain kittens rather easily. You can find them at your local pound, in the alleyways, in your own home, or at the local Supermarket. Some people (like little old ladies) breed them for their own Freebasing needs. With a little time, luck, and hard work, you too could have your own kitten lab.  Step 2: procuring the proper utensils.  You may want to hit your local head shop and get some glass tubing.  Sometimes, I use rubber tubing for that added chemical effect. Then you can go to the Supermarket and pick up some kind of material that doesn't burn that will heat up your kittens. Ususally something like tin foil works. You may also want to go and get a good lighter. Zippos work quite well, but if you are a kitten whore, and you don't have the money to go out and get a lighter, because you are too busy fucking for kittensmack, then you can always use matches that are free at any corner store that you frequently take in in the ass for kittens.   Step 3: let the freebasing begin.  At this point, you should have your kitten and maybe a sharp knife to cut some pieces off. Remember, live kittens are the best for your freebasing needs. If you can keep those little fuckers from scratching or biting you and on the foil, then you are a natural at freebasing kittens. For those that need less stress, or if you just need a quarter of a kittenbag, then you should be okay with just parts. Make sure that the parts you get are fresh, and that they are actual kittens!!! Some dealers have been pushing skunks or small dogs off as kittens! You wouldn't want some bunk smack now would you? Know your dealer. Now, what you will want to do, after you have put the kitten on the foil, is hold it up, or use some kind of stand to hold it up, because sometimes, the foil isn't strong enough to hold the little bastards. After you have it set up, put the glass tubing either above the kitten (for rookies or the weekend user) or you could put it in the kitten's mouth (for everyday experienced users).   Step 4: have fun!!!!  Remember, know your limits, know your dealer, and know where the kittens came from.  Thank you.    
  I dont know why but lately I've grown a new found joy of pissing on my girlfriend when we get in the shower.  its like the first thing I do.  And its not sexual I dont get off on it or anything its just funny as hell.  And i guess this joy must be contagious cause now she does it to me while i do it to her yet neiter of us know untill the other starts to laugh.   God I love this woman.  
  Sometimes I really wanna jammy boss in the ass.  
  Another gem from a girl named Jen:  "You know, I was an intern for a senator and it really pisses me off that the old fart never fucked me."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Daily work check list for today:  come in late: check  visit the "jackshack": check  sleep: check  blatantly slack off: check  overly long lunch: check  fuck and blame others: check  drink: no check  sleep more: check  leave early: check  damn, almost a perfect score  sad part is I get more done daily than all but one employee  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         How do you tell your friends that you'd rather sit around smoking pot and playing nintendo than go out to the pub with them?  I don't want to offend them or anything, but I'll be damned if I'm going to pry my ass off this sofa.  
  i work in an over-priced cookie place.  everyday somebody tells me they could make a batch of cookies for the price of one of our cookies. they usually buy a cookie anyway.  but i always wanna ask why they dont get off their fat asses and make themselves a batch of cookies instead of coming back again to our place and getting another over-priced 2 day old cookie?   
  my most exciting revelation brought on by lowbrow so far had to have been when I discovered that there is really such thing as pity sex. Thanks for keeping my hopes alive, cheerleaderatyercrotch!  
  Grocery clerk entry #13 (or Entry 12, part 2): When an attractive woman comes through my line, I can tell how much money her husband makes by how ugly her baby is.  
  we were all very drunk.  she was supposed to be with the drummer, but he had somehow managed to pass out, despite the copious amounts of cheap trucker speed in his system.  i woke up much later in what passed for her bed, vague memories of a possibly failed attempt at sex.  i crawled to the bathroom, more clothes everywhere, opened up the lid to the strange square toilet and let loose a torrent of piss into what was coming into focus as not a toilet at all, but in fact a dirty clothes hamper.  i left before she woke up.  
  my roomate must puke in the toilet a lot or have some toxic shits because in the first 3 months he lived with me the bowl was stained worse than in a whole year with my previous roomate. so about 5 months too late i invest in 2000 flushes blue, thinking it might help. nope. all it does is make out toilet nastier, seeming more like a port-a-john than ever before, with the opaque, mysterious blue liquid.  and the stains are still there.  
   Me and my girlfriend were having sex, and I mean we were really getting into it. She's moaning, and squealing and squirming all around while I'm just pounding away. The bed was squeaking like nobodies business but we really didn't notice and/or care.   Later, after we'd finished and wandered back out into the living room her mom looks up from the computer, smiles really big and asks: "Think we ought to oil that bed of yours to keep it from squeaking so much?"  My girlfriend just about died of emberassment.. me, as cool as ever, quickly replied: "Naww, WD-40 is cheaper."  
  i was getting my wisdom teeth out. i had met the doctor a couple of hours ago.  i had brought my portable cd player (just incase i needed something to occupy my mind with.)  well, he's operating, slicing open my gums. i had hooray for boobies on (bloodhound gang, fyi- the best fucking cd ever. go out and buy it right now.) so i'm listening to the music, drugged up, cracking up at everything (which wasn't vital, because there was supports that restrained me from biting down completely, and kind of froze my jaw in place.) the doctor asks: whatcha listening to? he takes off my headphones, puts them on his head.  dances a little with scalpal in hand, says "this isn't bad."  puts headphones back on my head. nice.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So he says  "Yeah, she asked me for some crystal meth because she has a weight problem so i'm going to get it for her, cause ya know, I need to get laid and I figure what better way than to get her all fucked up and then take advantage of her. I mean, we'll both be happy in the end. She'll loose some weight and I'll get laid."  Yeah, thats a real win-win situation. She'll get a horible drug addiction and you;ll have sex with a drugged out fat Denny's employee.  
  I live in Alabama,unortunately, it sucks here, but that's not the point of this moment.  The other day I was walking back from lunch with my friend Brandon, and we started talking aout how he has to go to boot camp (he was part of an accidental arson on a big building), well we start talking about when he's gonna go and when he will get back. Then came the purest "Alabama" moment ever. This is what he said:    "This sucks, I don't know if I'll be out of boot camp in time to see my kid get born".   Just to let you know why this is a true "Alabama" moment,we are both 16.  I walked for a few seconds before it hit me, man....we sure are in Alabama now.  
  greybeard  an avid giants fan decided to keep the jets hat from the grabbbag the giants promptly lost the jets beat dallas coincidence you say        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had to institute a rule where I never beat off to images/thoughts of women I know.  The chances of my accidently saying something stupid are just too great.  Me: Thanks for the great time last night. Her: What?  I was at my sisters all of last night. Me: Shit, look at the time, I gotta run.  
  I considered myself a great artist, but I was forced to play hotel lounges and small bars. I wrote this one song about all the people I had experienced and their feelings, and how I was expected to help them feel better. I can only hope the song did or does..it was my first gut song. I really didn't mind being called piano man.         
  i once hit on a woman in her thirtys. that was wierd. wierd because i never hit on anyone and she was conciderably older then me (i was 21 at the time). plus i'm not smooth. i'm no frenchy le femme that can charm females with urbane little storys about why things were invented. we ended up making out. nuts.  
  I've only seen it a couple of times, 2 or 3, but somewhere in the greater Toronto area, there is a big blue minivan driving around, that is completely covered in bible quotes written in black paint.   All I can think is "Jesus' gotta have better taste than that"  
  - starhawk@chasethedragon.com said:  It occurs to me that those stupid kids from the Blair Witch Project were walking around in circles the whole movie.   When they could have been following the river. Water doesn't flow in circles.    College-educated, my ass.    Hey, dummy, didn't you watch the movie, didn't you pay attention?  One of the most "shocking" parts was when they tried just that and *still* ended up right back where they started from.  It was a horror flick, numb-brain.  That was one of the horrors.     
  "Have you decided on something?" she asked looking at the menu he wastapping on the counter.  "Give me a Sierra."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  "There is way too much pornography on the internet, I am trying to put an end to it by downloading all of it."    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Spanking it in the shower while your old lady takes a dump. I hope she didn't see me.......  
  7-26-01  When I'm driving in the middle of the night, say 12ish, I like to drive by people's houses and blow the horn.  I also have a thing about giving every little kid that stares at me the finger and revving my car up or squealing the tires when old people are infront of me.  I'm going to hell.  
  After drinking large quanities of Absolute at my best friends wedding reception, I met the Brides father at the bar, (did I mention he is also my girlfriends pop).  "Ed" asked me, "so Brendan when are you and Teri going to take the big step"?  I replied in my best professional voice, "well Ed my philosophy is, "fuck it or fight it, it's all the same", "why pay for the milk when you get it for free....know what I mean". Ending that brain fart with a slap to his back.    Sounded good at the time.  
  one i was downloading some porn and i was already to go when to my horror the porn turned out to be a picture of jesus and the word  "you dont have to do this" written across the bottom  it took me a while to get the courage to download porn from a file sharing program again  about 15 mins  
  My shy demure roommate tells me this morning:  "I had a really great bowel movement last night.  I hope it didn't wake you."  WAKE ME?!    I told her next time she does something that monumental again, at the very least, I want to see pictures.   
   A banana looks like a boat.   Get on thee boat thee banana boat.       
  We had been sitting in the hotel room for over an hour, smoking pot and drinking while waiting for our buddy Robbie and his girl to get out of the shower.  We had already sprayed half a can of Ozium under the door to try and fog the fuckers out, but they were still in there.  Our buddy Scott had to piss, so he went in the corner and pissed in a Mountain Dew bottle, which he then threw in the trash.  Finally, they came out of the bathroom, and Robbie complained of being thirsty.  We all pretty much ignored him, as we were then leaving the hotel to go see Pantera.  In the hallway we noticed that he was drinking a Mountain Dew, apparently his girl had grabbed it from the trash can since we had drank all our beer.  We asked Robbie how it was, and he claimed it was a little flat.  Maybe we'll tell him in a few more years what that was, and why we kept laughing at him that night.  
  I'm standing on the subway platform in lower Harlem.  Beside me, two black girls are chatting to each other, trying to ignore a toothless old guy who's staring at them intently while obviously whacking off.  When the train arrives, something goes wrong, it shudders to a stop with its lights flashing on and off. Finally, a  spray of liquid metal sparks shoot out from under it and it goes completely dead.  One girl turns to the other: "Just think, all this for 25 cents!"   
  Sometimes when I poo, the poo breaks in half as it exits my sphincter and I am charged with the dillema of removing the latter half from my butt manually.  See no matter how hard I push, it just won't budge and it's not like I have all day or anything.  I mean, I AM at a bar and the girl I'm with IS still sitting at the table all by herself.  So I commence wiping.  Only, the dry toilet paper is really not cutting the mustard (or the "poo" as the case may be).  I need some moisture up in this piece, but the sink is outside of the stall, halfway across the bathroom.  So I dip the TP in the bowl and get my groove on that way.  I just hope she doesn't mind dingleberries in her tossed salad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The so called "handicap" stall in public bathrooms (the one that is about 3 times the size of a normal stall) is just a fat man's stall in disguise.  This being said, I feel the "handicap" stall is very awesome.  
  According to my bowling ball,  my name was Joyce.  And also according to my bowling ball,  I have a fucking huge thumb.  
  so i went to a party for a friend of mine and i knew very few people there. i then took some acid and some ecstacy  i was outside smoking and staring at my cigarette, some guy i didnt know saw me doing that, took my cig and his and gave me a lightshow by swirling them around in front of me  i dont think it occured to me that there were two very hot burning things erratically moving around very close to my face  
  My best friend is gay.... so is his father.  Now, scientists might say that the genes have something to do with it, but I think I have figured it out.  You see, my best friend used to drink Strawberry Nestles Quik ALL the time...  so did his father.  OTHER gay people I know used to drink it too... some still do.   COOINCIDENCE???   I think not.        
  As I'm kissing her neck, she (inbetween gasps) comments  "If I was a male, I'd have the biggest erection right now."  Works for me.  
     hows about a gwar zoot suit questionamark you know massive shoulderpads and a seven foot neon green alienhead with redlaserpointer eyes and dryicefog pouring out the ears      
  I've been working in the Jaguar shop for a month or so before I finally get to drive an XKE.  I've spent all morning getting it chatting to perfection -- man, that V-12 is one  silken smooth  monster that comes on cam in a rush.  The heavy Lawn Gisland traffic gets me more and more frustrated though, with no chance to floor it.  Finally, taking a left at a light, I am in the front.  The green arrow comes on, and I  take off...   ... pull a double 360&def;, blow a tire, and stall out.  All in front of 12 lanes of traffic.  
  why is it that I have more fucking hair on my ass then I do on my head?    So I shave my head and not my Ass.   go figure that one.  
  I used to work in tech support. Before coming to work or shortly after getting there, I would invariably drink a couple of shots of Robitussin to mix with whatever painkillers I could manage to wheedle from my coworkers. Tylenol PM, hydrocodone, loratab, you name it. Most of the time I was so fucking spun that I couldn't walk down the flight of stairs to the smoking area by myself without tripping and falling at least twice. I wonder how many people's computers are irreparably fuxed now because of me.     
   Ambition, Modified  I used to be a hotshot software engineer. Rising fucking star. Then I got this weird head-pain disability that makes it impossible for me to do that any more. What can I still do? Well, I can out-cook anybody in this sorry little town, but I can't concentrate long enough to do it professionaly. I could cook for a family, though. So, what to do? I also need a good woman. I get an idea: What if I found a woman who would go out to work, and support me while I do all the cooking and take care of the house?  That  would work! I feel better. Then I realize the job description I just came up with: housewife.  
  My one moment to shine in last year's production of West Side Story was to change the backdrops with my friend -- we were Curtain Girls.  Then, during opening night, the backdrops got stuck.  I whispered furiously to Renee, "Dammit, now we're not even good enough to be Curtain Girls -- we're just "Girls" now!"       
  Why do people write brows complaining about brows? And then people write brows about people who complain about brows? Then the people who make fun of the people who complain about the people who complain about the brows. Then the...fuck.  Then there's guys like me who just sit and laugh hysterically at massive amounts of stupidity in one place.   I love lowbrow.     
  I'm probably an alcoholic.  I used to go to AA when I got out of drug rehab.  Now all those stories they told are starting to make sense.  What do you do when faced with such a choice?  Do you stop drinking and face a life of misery, or do you just pretend that drug addiction and alcohol addiction are totally unrelated?  
  If your taking a piss and your gum accidentally falls out of your mouth and into the toilet. LET IT GO. I don't care if it was your last piece. JUST LET IT GO!  
  Yesterday I shit with such fury that the force from my ass caused the toilet to flush on its own.   God damn I was proud...still am, actually.  
  True Story.  My brother and I are sitting around a table discussing dieting.  He has, in his mind, the greatest dieting method ever.  What you do is take your index finger on your dominant hand and cram it up your ass.  In his words, "two knuckles deep."  The idea behind this is that everytime you start eating, you'll think to yourself "Damn, this food smells like ass."  It'll stop you from going back for a second helping of fried chicken or whatever.  I think he used the term aversion therapy.  This was said in front of my mother.  On her birthday.  During her birthday dinner.  How low can you go?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Low on cash but full of revenge ideas, I settled for the jumbo jar of vaseline.  Good on doorknobs, car door handles, and all over windows. You can also put food coloring in it for an artistic swirly effect.  The downside is your hands smell like a protology convention afterwards, but it's a small price to pay.  
  for some reason my sister left the phone in my room while i was asleep. someone called needing to talk to my dad. i found him in the kitchen. i realized when i handed him the phone that i was in nothing but my boxers and had one of those "just woke up" woodies. be both laughed our asses off.  
  i had sex with her all night, then slept naked next to her.  when i woke up, she was taking a shower.  i looked at the sheets and realized that the combination of sweat and sleeping naked meant i had left skidmarks in her bed.  on white sheets.  when she got out of the shower, i was gone.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Today I'm wearing the sweatshirt I slept in and the pants I wore two days ago.  I'm clearly not trying to impress anyone in my classes, am I?    
  One in the morning and someone pounds on my door then rings the doorbell.  Coming out of a deep sleep I picked up the T.V. remote and turned it on, thinking I was answering the phone, thinking that the ringing was from the pnone.  Then I mistakenly turned up the volume on the T.V. remote, trying to turn the T.V. off. Startled me so much, I dropped the remote into the ashtray and it fell on the clean floor. Cigarette butts and smelly ashes went everywhere.  Finally realizing someone was at my door, I groggily put on my robe and shakily asked, "Who's there?"  A cop.  I can't wait to get out of this small Texas town - again.    
  one thing which i enjoy doing now that i'm in university is meeting new people and making them feel awkward and embarassed about the lives they've left behind.  I, like a midwife, drag them kicking and screaming into the real world.  
  I will never understand why people will order the extra large Coke in a fast food restaurant with free unlimited refills.  
  I'm 20 (a girl) and my brother is 17.  Once we were talking about South Park episodes, while I was home for Thanksgiving Break.  My mom walked in just as we were discussing the one about sexual positions, including "donkey punch" and "dirty sanchez."  My mom asked what we were talking about, and somehow, we found ourselves explaining these positions to her.  The worst part was when she said, "why would you want to punch someone in the back of the head while having sex?" and my little brother said, "it'll make her tighten up."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The Opera web browser has a feature that auto-reloads the page every 5 seconds. Mmmmmm ... continuous lowbrow.  
  I really want to say something witty and cool like the rest of you but I am dumb and not too creative. oh, wait, I know... My highschool gym teacher blew his brains out on his front lawn while his family was out christmas shopping because some of the boys he was having oral sex with squealed on him... kinda sick, but...         
  For this next bit of fun, you will need string, balloons, as much piss as you can produce and save in a container over a couple of days, a strong stomach, and a good dark night. Fill the balloons with accumulated piss, just like water balloons. Carefully tie them in a line on the string. Wait for it to get really dark and deserted, then carefully tie the string so it drapes across that idiot with the loud megabass stereo neighbor's door. If you feel adventurous, use a stepladder and also string a line a little higher, so when he opens his door it not only wets his shoes with foul-smelling piss, he gets a shower as well. (if you're really paranoid, wear latex gloves while handling balloons... hell, wear them anyway, it's PISS, you know?) I just love how creative Halloween makes me feel.  
  sister mary flappin sandals and sister hotdoglegs used to berate me on a regular basis piety and the promise of a less than certain heaven aside at least i got laid        
  A friend of mine use to work at the local Value Village. Which is known for it's great deal on second hand crap.  One day he was stalking the shelves and he noticed a poorly dressed man walking out of the change room then quickly leaving the store. My friend was a bit curious by the hobos actions so he went and checked the change room. When he stepped into the room all he saw was a thermos. It was just a regular type thermos. The kind that you take soup in for lunch. He noticed it was kind of warm so he opened it up and saw that it was full of shit. The dirty poor man took a shit in the thermos. Confused and grossed out, he went and asked the store manager what he should do. The manager just smiled and said, "Rinse it with water and put it back on the shelf".  I've never set foot into a Value Village again.    
  Long ago, back in the days before D.A.R.E. and all that shit. I remember those lame-ass cops that would come with thier "dope board" to describe the evils of illict drugs.  They always said pot smelled like burning rope and had these pellets they would burn so you would know what reefer smelled like.  I've been toking down for 20+ years and I've still never come across any weed that smelled that foul.  
  My new boyfriend and I finally had a chance to consummate our relationship... but unfortunately, we had only an "ultra tight-fit" Tuxedo condom. I turned around for a minute while he was putting it on... I heard: *SMACK!* "...OW" Turning around, I saw him curled up in the fetal position on the floor, with the condom in one hand, his dick in the other... It had a welt on it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         5am His side of the bed was empty. Walked over to the computer room. Opened the door.  Porn onscreen. Pants around his ankles. Hand on his hardware.  busted  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if ever there is a doubt in your mind just remember this one thing, i let the dogs out...        
  So my good friend Amy & I are watching "Purple Rain" one night. And ya know, Prince starts singing "When Doves Cry", so naturally, like the 80's geeks we are, we start singing along.  Us: "How can you just leave me standing, alone in a world that's so cold. Maybe I'm just too demanding..." Amy: "...maybe I'm just like my father, Tilbo." Me: (looking at Amy) "What did you say?" Amy: "Tilbo." Me: "Tilbo?" Amy: "Yeah, Tilbo. Isn't that what it says?" Me: "Uh, no. It says 'too bold.'" Amy: (pause) "Oh, I thought it was Tilbo." Me: "What the hell is Tilbo?" Amy: "I thought maybe it was the name of his dad or something."  
  when I shave my pussy and I go to pee, my piss travels all over my butt and the toilet seat.  So then I have to wipe my butt cheeks down before I wipe my pussy.  
  So once I met this cute chick online who I got along with really well,  she had alot of similar interests in technology and computers that I had at the time.    However,  "she" turned out to be a transexual who wanted to give it to me up the ass.  this was omitted until after I had travelled to meet her.  To this day I am immediately suspisious & leary of any female claiming a large interest in computers and technology...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Why is American beer served cold?  To differentiate it from piss.         
  So, I'm brushing my teeth last night and decide to give my tongue a few brushes as well.  After a couple of swipes, I launched a perfect arc of vomit onto my faucet.  Ever seen buffalo, merlot and bread pudding all mixed together?  I have.  
  I had a 6 am flight to visit my boyfriend, but my best friend's birthday was the night before.  So we did 7 or 8 tequila shots each, I 69ed my coworker, and got off the plane hungover, wearing my party clothes.  When I told my boyfriend what happened, he just said that our relationship was so great because i could tell him about it.  I'm a moron.  
  I had a serious crush on her - cute face, nice body, smart girl.  We were talking about this guy she didn't like.  Her: blah blah blah he's so stupid! Me: Yeah, he said you have a face like a rat.  (silence as what I said sank in)  Whoops.  Go me.  
  its not that i am trying to belittle the events and situations in your life that you feel are so traumatic that the world owes you the world  but in fact dear little prince and princesses of unrecognized countries of me me me me me the world already paid you in full by letting your lame ass live past the birthing process paid in full the rest since then is all your fuck up  please stop taking it out on everyone and everything cos were getting pretty sick of it         
  I've never been slapped by a girl for something I said.  I figure if I ever really want to cross that off my list, I can say something like  "I bet you wouldn't talk so much with a cock in your mouth."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I enjoy sitting in a hot bath for 30 to 45 minutes.  My family thinks I'm masturbating.        
  Sometimes after sex she said, "It smells like sex in here." I miss that. Yeah, both the smell and her saying that. Oh, and the sex too. Not so much  her , though.  
  sitting on the crapper at school someone walks in to the bathroom without hesitation i say "ever have one of those days when it seems like at hell has been let loose on your bowels and you seem to be urinating out of your asshole?" quick footsteps door slam  
     Our rhythm guitarist was having sex with his girlfriend, when an idea struck. He pulled out and proceeded to play air guitar with his penis, making guitar nioses with his mouth. Then he went back to fucking.  
  I worked at the same job for two years before something good actually happened.  I had known her younger sister from school, but she was much more mature, 21 years old when I was a mere 18.  She always wore tight fitting pants to work and sometimes would bend over just to tease everyone who was around her.  Even the old guys would have given up their retirement plans just to get a peak of what she hid under the white shirts she wore.    She starting to take a liking to me, but instead of trying to date her, I took her in the back room and began kissing her.  We fucked behind the stockroom supplies in the middle of the day.  WIth people walking 10 feet away.  It was dangerous, but well worth it.  Two weeks later she quit and I never saw her again.  God Bless Wal-Mart.  
  My roomate last year would never knock in the morning when she came home from class, and I'd usually wake up and masturbate before I went to shower and go to class. She caught me a couple times. One time I didn't notice that she had come in , so I said I was "scratching myself". She didn't believe me at all and gave me that " I know what you were doing" look. I think she may have told my other roomates , but that's ok, I started putting a sign on the door that said "I'm having a private monet , please come back later. Worked like a voodoo charm.  
  As a white male in suburbia, I sadly find myself in the white trash center of the world: Walmart. As I'm walking down the aisles listening to my music, I notice in the cereal section a box that entices me with mm-mm delicious frosted flakes. I'm lying, I was staring at the girl on the cover who was apparently half naked. A red circle bounces around the bottom of the box to block her delicious legs.  "FREE PORN IN BOX" Sadly, though: "FREE PIN IN BOX"  Lowbrow goggles: god help me.  
  my roommate has a poster over her bed that says "save yourself for the one god has saved for you."  she hung it up the first time after she walked in and heard me talking to my boyfriend on the phone.  now she has her own boyfriend here.  today i came in and instead of that poster hanging there, there was a poster of andy roddick, the tennis player.  her boyfriend loves andy roddick the tennis player, so therefore she does too. it makes me want to shoot myself in the head.  i wish that the virgin poster was back up.    
  Have you ever thought of the guy who invented brillo pads? I have. I don't know anything about the person, so i make things up. I have enough stuff to write an essay. It would be a damn good essay too! All about Harvy P. Brillo(i made that name up along with everything else)his dog, his dead end job, and how he lived in contempt of colombus in 1492, then invented brillo pads to show up his mom who invented walls. But he never had as much sucess as his family, so he offed himself in a bathtub.  wow im stoned.  
  I knew I was the quintessential broke college student while on the bus to work one day.  As we passed a pile of garbage on the curb, I thought "Hey, someone threw out a perfectly good legless chair!"  
  One reason I'm thankful to be a woman--less of a mess to clean up after masturbating.  
  They wrote:  "i'm intelligent. i'm clever. i'm funny. i'm compassionate, though not senselessly or sentimentally so. i probably share some of your interests. i am educated. with luck, i will make a lasting contribution to the welfare of livingkind.   do you want me? no, you want someone whos ass looks good in a pair of tight jeans. "  My moment? Thinking, "Me too, and my ass looks _great_ in a tight pair of jeans."  Judging myself by the standards of lowbrow...  
  "Better inbred than dead"   - beatgrrrl@chickmail.com   If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.  
  i went to the free clinic with my friend for moral support.  what the hell, it was free.  i got tested, too.  the shrivelled old nurse gave us each a bottle of pills for some sort of biological imbalance (read: yeast infection.  she just couldn't say it).  the side of the bottle read: take all four pills at once.  do not consume any alcohol, vinegar, or mayonnaise.  i flipped out.  not alcohol for 24 hours?  jesus god!  roomie flipped out.  no mayonnaise for 24 hours??    
  You know what bothers me? Women who wear skintight shirts without bras, and then complain when men stare. Likewise goths who just want to be treated "like everyone else."  Honestly. If you don't want the attention, don't try so hard to attract it.  
  i recently started dating this guy, and i mentioned lowbrow and what a great site it is...  then i thought about things i've posted with my real e-mail address:  horrible drunken stupors...  strange masturbatory practices...  embarrassing moments that my last ex-boyfriend had while we were dating...  i'm really hoping he never comes to this site...  .  but if so, hi david!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Forty-five down the boulevard.  The rodent was twenty-four inches long.  Six feet into the street.  Two seconds to entangle itself among a plastic bag.  "The miracle of plastic"   
  Once I watched fifteen whole minutes of "Veronica's Closet". A couple of times I came close to giggling.  God,I'm lonely...    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Once I was in the woods looking for pine trees, when all of a sudden my elephant got startaled and bolted away.  And when I turned to look what excited it a ninja hopped down and kicked me in the nuts.        
  When two's company, Three's the result!        
  I was at a party.  Just another run-of-the-mill party with Buffett blastin' in the background with cheap liquor causiously staring me down through that thick.. clear glass that insulated it from the dangerous human air.  Then she came in.  Then he came in.  He was in a purple shirt.  She looked SO fucking hot I just wanted to drop my pants and screw- but that purple shirt.  Hah!  That fucking purple shirt.  But her eyes stared at mine- and all I could do was look at that purple shirt.  She approached me.  Her breasts calling me.  I finally took my mind off the gleaming purple shirt and allowed her to speak:  "Hey there hon.. My name's Emily, you feelin' tense tonight?"  I stood there watching this hot chick say sexual words to me, but all that could come out was: "Hah!  look at his purple shirt!"  I didnt get laid that night.  and havent since.       
  after a stellar DC Internsip with a very  influential congressman last summer, I am stuck in my hick hometown working for the summer as a waitress (thank you very much GW... ASSHOLE) Speaking of asshole, some dumbass customer complained that I had to cancel her reservation for dinner (due to the poor season we have been having). Being the considerate fuck that i am I offered her some free passes. She has the audacity to bitch at my boss and mentions that the 14 free passes that i offered were not quite enough for the inconvience. Thus, the wicked witch from the west calls me and bitches at me for about 1/2 an hour. However, the customer failed to remember that she had not only given me her name, but her address and credit card number to secure her reservation, Guess who is going to be getting some really nasty porn in about 2 months in the mail and on her credit card statement when she least suspects it? yeah, that asshole customer. LESSON. for all you low brow workers...  revenge feels oh so good and please for the love of god treat your waitresses well unless you like really nasty porn.   
  Slice of white bread with a smear of butter corn salmon loaf ooooh, chocolate cake now we near the last stop on the soup kitchen line: "Pink Yemonade? Pink Yemonade? Pink Yemonade? Pink Yemonade?" --"Thank you."  
   Early Signs  Just before I started college, I came back home to discover that there was a glue-sniffing epidemic at Ayr Academy (my old high school). I thought: "That's weird, why would anyone want to sniff glue?" I felt very self-righteous, until I remembered that when I was eight, I had a real fondness for sticking my nose up the running exhaust pipe of my school bus...  
  I once rented a house with 3 other guys, which was pretty cool except for the guy I had to share the second of 2 bathrooms with. He would somehow get pubic hairs in the sink and also leave shit it the bowl and just was funk nasty. We all tried to get him to clean up his act and finally just gave up and started messing with him. I was so mad that I pissed in his shampoo and body wash bottles every day for a month. Also, one of my roommates needed to use the restroom because the other was occupied, so when he got done with his shit, he poked a hole in the poo with the nasty roommates' toothbrush, rinsed it, and put it back! Thank goodness I no longer live there.  
  I think parents take their kids to Wal*Mart just to smack the living hell out of them.  Without fail, everytime I go in there, I see some kid getting his ass beat..  It must be some kind of punishment.  "If you kids don't behave, we're going to Wal*Mart!"        
   At a bar basement oi/punk show, 100 Pounds of Porn is headlining. (There was atleast one hundred pounds of the stuff being thrown around.)   Watching cute chicky bounce around shirtless in front of me, band stickers on her nipples.   That's when the female dwarf, who I hadn't seen get on top of the bar behind me, accosts the back of my head.   I guess this was like a sequel to her earlier ass-grabbing.        
  Junior high school.  Salad bar.  Bacon bits.  Lots.  I ate the whole salad.    And belched.  One and a half mouthfuls of mostly pre-chewed bacon bits returned to my mouth.    Time froze.    I sat for what seemed like an eternity, cheeks bulging in a full cafeteria, silently pondering my options.  I chewed.  Began to swallow.  Gagged.    Welcome back, bacon bits, for a third time.  Water streamed from my eyes, my nose ran, sweat formed on my brow.  Again, I chewed.  Swallowed.    Saved the day.    God, the taste of it.     
  Gouging my eyes out with a pitchfork.  I'll take "What I'd rather be doing than talking to my ex right now." for $400 alex...  
   Messing With Lawyer's Heads #1  My wife's lawyer called and asked if I could explain my "position" on the upcoming divorce. I told her: "Missionary, mostly, but I'm fairly open to suggestions." My wife told me later, amid much laughter, that the lady honestly didn't seem to understand...  
  Why did I recline  Upon that ivory sofa  Naked  After exiting the bathroom  Without wiping?   
   If you have yourself cloned and then have a sexual relationship with your clone, is that incest or masturbation?   - fakename   I call it "clonal narcissism" -- a term I borrowed from a  friend of mine  who had one (or two -- long story) of her RPG characters commit such acts, referred to as "narsey" in the slang of their campaign setting.   Before we existed the cloning began  The cloning of man and woman  When we're gone they'll live on, cloned endlessly  It's mandatory in heaven   -- Pat Benatar, "My Clone Sleeps Alone"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just spent 5 minutes looking for a booger that disappeared after a hard snot rocketing.  Dammit. I bet it's on my chin or something.  
  I like my coffee how I like my women.  Short, thin, with brunette hair, a sense of humor and a willingness to go down on me.  
  I knew a kid who hated the sound his cat made when she was in heat, so he would stick the top half of a bic pen into her to shut her up.  At least, that's why he said he did it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         we were walking along 32nd  after getting out of the Garden. some dude walks by and whispers what sounded like "indigot". i freaked. i turned around and said "did you say..." he cut me off"yup". I ran to a bank machine and gave the dude a hundred bucks and sat in the park across from the Grace building and got my ass good and high until about 4 am, sitting in the bushes with a guy named pumpkin.        
  i secretly caught him sniffing the seat of her office chair more than once and he still has the nerve to call her anne the fat bitch to everyone in the office amazing         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was about to buy a lowbrow.com t-shirt for twenty bucks when I thought "Hey, if i'm going to be some kind of walking billboard then those assholes should be paying me to wear their shit!"  Then I put on my twenty-five dollar adidas cap and headed to the basketball court.  
  Once upon a time I had a teacher in college named Professor Hoak.  He was a very proper man.  Had a British pronounciation of sorts, always wore formal wear, and was very eloquent in class.  So before he would get to class I would write things like, "Hoak is the FUCKING BOMB!" or "Hoak ROCKS ME all nite long!"  He would then come into class and stare at the board for a couple seconds.  The class never knew what to say.  A couple people laughed, the rest prolly thought I was a shitwizard.  Hoak would then read aloud what I had written.  There's nothing quite like hearing, "Hoak taps a mean ass." spoken in a refined accent.  I got a C- for the year.  
  I have a male friend whose taken a vow of celibacy. He's incredibly hot, and chicks (and guys) try to pick up on him all the time.   Every time we hang out he always seems to find it neccassary to state that he enjoys my company because I'm "safe"; as in he would never be tempted to fuck me.  It's starting to get insulting.  
  I go to the Johnson and Johnson factory where they make baby oil.  And what do I see?  NOT what I expect.  I expect to see thousands upon thousands fo babies being sucked dry of their precious oil for mass consumption by members of society.  Im like "what the fuck is this?"  I approach the tour guide and demand to know why this whole time J&J has been deceiving us, leading us to believe that baby oil really came from babies?  He laughed nervously and motioned for the security guard and Im dragged out of there screaming "Liars, liars all of you!"  Im not allowed within 50 feet of the factory until I turn 75.  Like I would go back there, fascist bastards.  
  For three years I worked at a retail store in the mall.  During last summer, I worked with this girl in the women's department.  Everytime she she was in the break room, she would tell anyone that would listen about her sex life.  She once told me about how much she loved anal beads and that I should try it sometime.  "It's an amazing feeling....but you should try with small beads your first time, kinda like pearl size."  Two weeks later she was transferred to the jewelery department.  If those 50 year old women only knew.....  
  Sitting in World Religions, stoned beyond the ability to feign sobriety, I inhale over my fingers to realize  I can still smell this morning's masturbation on my finger.   Gods, I love being a woman.  
  i want to date a deaf guy.  there would be so many advantages, my favorite being that if i take a really loud crap...he won't hear it.   
  I'm crashing at Jake's house after a party. We're both feeling quite tired and fairly fragile. He's lying on the couch and I'm lying on the floor playing with his dog, and for no reason I find myself singing:  "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do, I'm half crazy over my love for you..."  I can't quite remember the rest of the words, when Jake suddenly finishes it off for me.  We both lie there in complete silence and then I head Jake mutter:  "You bastard."  I look up at him and see tears welling up in his eyes, yet at the same time he has this bemused smile on his face.  "You complete cunt."        
  I am still pretty good friends with one (yes, total) of my exes. His current girlfriend didn't want him to see me when we had the chance to hang out together several months ago. She was afraid that "something" would "happen". He assured her that he had no interest in me and that we were just good friends. He swore that nothing would happen. We hung out, and I blew him in a hotel room. She later apologized to me for being so mistrustful and psycho.   I accepted her apology.  
  This one belongs to the MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transit Athority) Walking through a stop on the orange line on the way to an interview and was walking out to the street when I noticed a handicap call button up a quarter flight of stairs. I'd like to see some in a wheel chair try to use it.  
  you could hear the chompgrrrrchompgrrrrchomp as the teeth cut through his jeans and tore flesh there wasnt a scream just a windup and the furious punch of angerpainadrenaline to the dogs unsuspecting snout the dog went down he said dog cant help it but id like to do that to his owner we went to the hospital he sued the owner silly       
  We had a Russian exchange student over at our house.  Instead of the expected vodka-guzzling friendly loudmouthed comrad, we got the king of nerds. He told me women were inferior, rock music debilitating, booze bad  and drugs a typical Western problem.   My mom slipped two Valiums in his tea to get him to shut up.  I've never been prouder of her.  
  Riding on bicycle one summer with friend, heading in the direction of middle country road (main commercial road).  We run into some slightly inebriated guy walking the same way.   "Hey Ill give you 5 bucks for a ride to the bar"  Me and my friend discuss; of course its worth five bucks.  We ride him down the road to his little bar, riding on my friends handlebars.  Friend hits pothole, guy makes face like his balls are busted.    We still got the five bucks though.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my sister was about 9 years old and she had the perfect ranchy joke to tell my off-color gampa.   So she starts off with  "hey pepe, do you have hemorrhiods...  he says "yeah"  except, that wasn't part of the joke and she didn't know what to say after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quoting the web ad for an upcoming teen movie  "Don't hate yourself because you're a loser; Hate yourself because everyone else hates you."  Truer words have never been written on web-publicity.      
  I smoke.  I drink.  I can't sing on key.  I listen to Johnny Cash.  I'm 19 years old.  Aren't I spelndid?   
  I used to work in the Butchers department of a Supermarket when I was at high school. In my second Saturday in the job, I was in the big walk in chiller where they keep the fresh meat, cleaning it. I had a big bucket of water with some really strong cleaning shit in it. I was happily cleaning away when I accidentally knocked the big bit of beef that they cut T-Bone steaks off of into the horrible soapy, chemically and now dirty water. I fished it out, gave it a quick wipe to dry it and put it right back on the shelf.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I remember back when I was at a camp and I got up at night to go to the bathroom, just as I leave the room I shared with three other guys I hear the sounds of someone getting out of their bunk. "I guess I woke someone up and they have to go to the bathroom too." I thought, and didn't really care, so I continued on. So I get in and take a piss, I come out and notice the other bathroom is occupied, I presume with the other member of my room I awoke. So I go back to the room, keep in mind it is almost pitch black, and in the faint moonlight through the window I saw the person in the bunk above me was missing, so I logically assumed he was the person I had heard get up and go to the bathroom. (Remember this is all through a haze of half sleep, not really thinking about every detail as it happened) and so I go to climb into my bunk and I hear a flashlight click on, onto a face lying in my sleeping bag and he says "Wanna shnoogle?" in a Swiss accent. Just the head, with the flashlight on it and the sleep accentuated shock made me yelp and fall backwards onto the floor. I don't know if you can quite understand without being there, but at that instant I might have pissed myself if I hadn't just come back from the bathroom. Of course everyone in the room was laughing at me, then I laughed too, but that one instant, "Wanna shnoogle?" will be burned forever in my brain.  
  Well, fun at the mall again. Got cussed at by some welfare mom with a half-dozen snotlings hanging off her skirt for parking in a spot with the sign "Family Parking." I listened to her rant while I locked up the car and finally told her "Look, I don't tell you how to fuck irresponsibly and you don't tell me how to park. Deal?" She wandered off, dragging her litter behind her.  
  Back in 99, I lived in a 2 bedroom flat with a male housemate.  Upon coming back from uni one day, I burst into the flat with the intention of entering my room.  To my suprise I found my door closed, which was not how I left it.  Frowning, I grabbed the door handle which resulted in a rather desperate yell of "Don't come in here!" from within.  As 'luck' would have it, I'd caught my flatmate flogging over porn in my bloody room, and I managed to arrive just as he delivered his 'money shot'.  Needless to say, I couldn't look him in the eye for the next month without pissing myself...  
  Neil Sedaka entertained us at my ex-bosses 40th birthday party. No one could keep a straight face.  We all caught loadsa shit the next day for laughing.   
   Fan Mail  "if this is a real email address then slick i've obtained this from lowbrow just like to say - your moments rock my socks" "Rock my socks" -- first time I've heard that one, but it gets across. But where's the LowBrow? Right here. I realize that getting e-mails like that really rocks my socks.  
  my friend mike told me this other story about when he was a freshman in highschool, when he got really sleepy while hanging around after school. so he went to the drama room, curled up with some blankets and stuff on the couch, and was just about to drift off to sleep...  when suddenly the urge to piss became un-ignorable. but so firmly entrenched in the warm, comfortable arms of the sofa, knowing that getting up and coming back would totally ruin his chances of getting to nap, he peed in a nearby pop bottle.   later, he deposited the sealed bottle of pee in the prop room, because, hell, nobody would notice since its already filled with crap.     >> fast forward four years >>    mike, now a senior, and some fellow drama grunts, are cleaning up the department. they're refurbishing furniture and such, and throwing out all the crap in the prop room, when someone finds the 4-year-old bottle of mike's urine.   but no one really knows what to make of it, or what it could possibly be. they take the cap off, smell it, and ponder the situation, until some smart-ass know-it-all says "i know what it is: it must be PAINT-THINNER. they must have had some leftover, and just put it in this bottle."  meanwhile, mike suddenly realizes what it is, and struggles to keep from bursting into laughing, and not doing a terrific job, really, but no one notices, because they're too busy applying the "paint-thinner" to the chairs and furniture they'd been cleaning off, literally scrubbing the damn things down with mike's piss, aged to perfection.    that smart-ass kid, to this day, still won't talk to him.   
  The wrong way to start the day.  Walking down Mission Street just in time to see a trio of pigeons feasting on a pile of vomit in front of a bar.  I almost went right back home.  It was traumatizing.       
  No, I am not an angry bitch, nor am I bitter at the world, nor am I a furious man-hating lesbian, despite my occasionally angry writing style. I am, however, a beautiful, sarcastic comedienne, who dreams of pop stardom and journalistic fame. A flagrant feminist unafraid to show off more than a little skin, bizarrely driven by a desire to utter the hollywood ingenue's meaning of life phrase of: "Oh, James." A woman with a vision, who penned songs and took pictures, and who saw the world through the eyes of a Canon EOS Rebel XS. Torn equally between wanting to be a Bond girl, a naval intelligence expert and an investigative reporter. A contradiction in terms of all senses, a vivacious vixen... who looks doe-eyed and cute with a teddy bear. Most of all, a woman who looks to the man she loves with the plantive request of "Take me as I am."  
  I'm still trying to figure out how the makers of this site took a truckstop bathroom wall, shrunk it down, and put it inside this little box in front of me.  Ahhhh technology.    
   Meeting Famous People  As in: famous people who intimidate the crap out of me. There aren't too many of them, and now there's probably only Bob Dylan left. So anyway, Eric Clapton, or "Ekkie" as we liked to call him in Scotland, when I was growing up and entranced by his playing. Introduced by a mutual friend, who immediately left, leaving me alone with, well, Eric Clapton, fuzzy beard and all. He's quite small, by the way. Ekkie: "So, what brings you here?" Me: "You." He laughs at my honesty. We get to talking about life, and he strangely asks: "Are you rich?" Me: "Oh yeah. I'm much richer than you -- I still have a son." Believe it or not: that only qualifies as the second-ugliest thing I've ever said to anyone. Please let me find my brain...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         in the car, as I found myself trying to make up with her.    i felt bad about sleeping with an old girlfriend.  it would never happen again.    we made up and had wicked makeup sex in the extra room at her parent's house.  headboard banging the wall adjoining their room.  bed scraping across the wooden floor.    it was awesome.    then i called her up the next day and dumped her again.     
  I told someone I'd "be there with bells on."  Looking back, wearing bells to a party is a surefire way to have a reason to go home early.        
  met my boyfriend of 2 years at a party at my friend's apt.  i was drinking a 40 of OE (in the paper bag, of course) with a straw. he said it was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.  
       When I was 4 my parents explained the facts of life to me.  Since I called my father poppy, it was only logical that sperm was refered to as "The Poppy Seed".  When I was 15 or so, I recalled this little term and since then have not been able to look at, let alone EAT, a poppy seed.  
  a pamphlet seen in the sex ed room of my high school: Gonorrhea, nothing to clap about  i laugh about that to this day.      
  We were having sex on the Chinese buffet. "Why are you giggling?" "You've been screwing General Tsao's Chicken for the last couple minutes." "Ha! I was really using an egg roll!"   Hey, it could have happened...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once lied and told friends that I was grounded as an excuse to not go to a party.   I wanted to go.  It's just that I wanted to jerk off even more.  Which is when I realized I had a problem.  Funny stuff. I jerked off and then in those brief few seconds of desiring no sex whatsoever deleted every single bit of porn on my computer in one big drag and click.  I nearly wept when I regained my senses. No kidding.  
  Here's an amazing statistic: I commuted by motorcycle in Boston for five years, and I'm still alive. When I first moved back to Ithaca, it took me a while to adjust my driving style: timing lights, splitting lanes, playing games... Two fat lanes of traffic sitting at the light, with a Harley at the front. I split the lanes, time it perfectly, and blast past him at 40mph. In Boston, he would just shrug and realize he'd lost that round, but this guy takes off after me hard.  (probably literally) The only thing he has between his legs is a Harley. My Suzuki could lose him over the horizon in no time, but I'm headed home. At the next light, he starts screaming nonsense at me. I ignore him, but then he swings a punch, connects square on the side of my head. Moron -- I'm wearing a full-face helmet. His knuckles are bleeding. He swings another. I lean away, and he and his Harley go down hard. Expensive noise. I drive home, promising to switch my plates for NY ones soon, just in case he knows how to read...  
  I just read the second lowbrow moment about a greesy old man in a rusted out pickup with a bumper sticker that said, "I'm just looking for a nice woman who's willing to wipe up some vomit" or something. That is one lowbrow dude.  
  My favorite thing to do in snooty restaurants is to go to the ladies room, take out my tampon, get my hand good and nasty, and leave a perfect handprint on the stall door. Not so perfect you could get fingerprints, for those of you paranoid types. Just perfect enough to let everyone know this is one of the "chunky" days, and do not fuck with me if I mispronounce the wine.   
  Ummm, it's kind of embarassing...  I know it's not too cool anymore, not since the 80's, but I'm from the Midwest, what can I do?  As much as I try to think differently...  I dig chicks with bangs.  
  In third grade I fell of the roof of my house and landed on my face. 27 years later I ran into a guy from my old neighborhood. "I remember you. You're guy that fell off the roof." Its good to remembered.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time i was reading moments from lowbrow when i reloaded a story about a man and his tape worms. He decided to offer mints infected with tape worm eggs. I realized to myself "there are some pretty shitty people in this world." From this day forth, i will no longer except when someone asks "want a mint?"  "thanks but no thanks" :)  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quote yeah iusta be in a band we were called mr french after the guy on that show we had tshirts that had sabastian cabot on them in black and white really graphic like i usta sing we did a great cover of smells like team spirit end quote  whoa         
  Ithaca, NY. Political Correctness up the wazoo.  Every time I see the bumper sticker:  "Practice random acts of beauty and senseless kindness"  I wish I had a sticker saying:  "Practice random acts of violence and senseless cruelty."   
  If I had an extra arm or two, I think I would get just as much work done -but I would smoke and drink more.  
  i found a pube in my french fries.  i picked it out, and continued to eat them.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         God I hate it when I get to work I'm so fucking hung over that the coffee doesn't even help.  And I hate it even more when I sit down and realize my ass hurts again.  And then the memories from the dick in my ass from the night before flow back into my head and I wince.  A co-worker seen me sit wince and said "what's wrong?"  And I said "Just thinking my what my plans will be again tonight."  
  So here we are, my co-workers and I. Sitting at work, while our broadband internet connection is down. Verizon can't give us an ETA on when it will be available again. But here I am, the only computer in our COMPUTER STORE with an internet connection because i happened to throw a modem into my workstation some months back ,just for occasions like this.  Our sales team is crippled due to lack of available information, and here I am lowbrowing. :) Here's to you, lowbrow!  
  Was listening to some music, when I saw my dog walk into the room, bobbing her head, making it looks like she was rocking out to my music, later I learned she was just choking..,  
  I live in a quiet english village, theres nothing 2 do most of the time so we buy booze and get wasted on this big hill, me and my friends would do this every weekend for a few months of the year. This got boring so 2 make it more interesting i bought a bottle of whisky; all i remember about that day was sitting wrapped up in a sleeping bag puking all over myself while my "friends" threw dirt clods in my face.   The weirdest part of it was waking up the following morning at home, (no idea how i got there) with a luncbox filled with puke next 2 me and part of a chimney pot.  I spent the rest of that morning retching bile, trying 2 convince my parents "it was the dip". Probably my most lowbrow moment.  
  I was sixteen years old when they found that body in the ditch behind my house.  She was just a little girl.  We thought it would be funny to eat snacks as the coroner removed the tiny, lifeless corpse.  We had Ritz-Bits and Pepsi.  To think, I wonder what's wrong with America's youth.       
  Once my friends took me to this dance club. It was supposed to be the hot shit and anyone could pick up a chick.  Of course I keep asking these bitches to dance and keep getting turned down. After asking about a dozen different chicks, I was starting to get really depressed.   Finally I asked this one gir to dance and she said she would like to but couldn't. I'm sitting there thinking what a bunch of shit.....stupid bitches.  I felt pretty low when she got up to go to the restroom and had a big cast on her foot....  Oh well, I like getting high more than dancing.  
  Thinking to my self "what is the biggest thing that I miss from my Divorce?"   It's got to be the cats.    
  For our second date, she had me over for dinner.  Her little house was really gorgeous, nestled in a gorge just a block from Cornell.  We had a nice evening, until I went to the bathroom.  When i flushed, she let out a bloodcurdling scream from the next room.  "What was THAT about?" I thought.  A second later, the toilet overflowed, and KEPT overflowing -- gallons of raw sewage.  Twenty or thirty logs, used tampons ...  She: "I'm sorry -- I should've said something ..."  Me: "Don't worry -- it's nice to know you're just a regular girl."    
  In the mens bathroom at work there was this strange medicine cabinet on a wall by itself. One day I decide to open it. There I found a crumbled up page from a Playboy. Funny thing, I had the same issue. Very hot latina chick. I borrowed the page for my own use - not sure if I returned it or stole it or what.  A nice surpise.  
  Why? Why do they do that?  And by they, I mean dirty old men.  Like my grandfather.  He takes that damn hanky out of his back pocket coughs/sneezes/snots into it every ounce of fluid left in his alcohol ridden body and then puts it back in his pocket. WTF?!?  
  Bought a vibrator to put in my friend's bed as a joke the other day.  It was sparkly and purple and the name brand was Pearl-Essence. The best part was the little note that said "Petite yet powerful."  
  dad goes out to little brothers car to find insurance paperwork.  comes back in and throws a pack of cigarettes at him. "i thought you quit smoking". then we go out to the car, only to find my little brothers pot and pipe (which were sitting on top of the cigarettes in the console) hadnt been touched. the sack seemed smaller.  we think dad smokes pot and pinched the sack.  whatever keeps him calm.   
  I know a guy: who never had luck with women. Ever, even though he bought them (including me) very expensive things, like violins and palm piolets, out of a "get girls" slush fund set up by his grandmother. Then he got on the internet, and banged a seventeen-year-old masochist.  he broke up with her and met a Canadian chick with genital warts over the net. The Canadian took a greyhound from Winnipeg (yes she's one of those) to South Carolina, illegally, since she had no job prospects and wasn't legally allowed to emigrate. So he's living with a Canadian illegal alien with genital warts he met over the internet, with whom he aborted a daughter. True story, unfortunately. Whenever you feel bad about yourself, just think: you could be this guy. It helps me, sometimes. ~puck~  
  my friends and i were golfing for fun when john, the funniest guy i've ever known, farts and then proceeds to pull a small turd from his underwear and spikes it on the green. do i need to add we all pissed ourselves laughing?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Years ago, a friend (female) and I visited an "after hours" club in downtown San Antonio. This was during the hippy era and the seating consisted of large pillows on the floor in a smoke filled room.  To my delight, one of the musicians playing that night/morning had been a best friend in high school whom I hadn't seen for a while.  After his brilliant trumpet playing performance, he sat next to me and we traded hopes and dreams and memories while holding hands. I knew he had a wonderful future before him because his talent was amazing.  Fast forward twenty years. I learned he'd moved to California and died of a drug overdose.  
  my roomate punched my bathroom door... fearing loseing our deposit he promised to go buy a new door later.  since the old door was useless we started punching it, then brought out the hatchet and continued distroying the door till it is barely reconiziable.  i went 3 days with out a door to my bathroom which is in the hall way and now we cant find a door that fits in the hole  
    I think i've become sick and twisted..  During class, my sweet and innocent friend gave me Teddy Grahams.. I proceeded to bite off the bodies and line up the heads to stare at her.  ...then my friend told me about his dream. He was leading a revolution..you can have shoes made out of ANY material you want..  And immediately, i have this craving for shoes made out of human flesh..       
  I'm not bitter, I'm tangy.  
  All bow ties and vest, the waiters fluttered around the upper class, soberpatrons.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Diogenes, the ancient Greek philosopher was once reprimanded for masturbating in public, to which he replied, "Would that, by rubbing my belly, I could ease my hunger"  Ancient Lowbrow.  
  Once I watched fifteen whole minutes of "Veronica's Closet". A couple of times I came close to giggling.  God,I'm lonely...    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  Hate bugs. Hate them. With a white-hot destructive passion. This is why I invest in four gallons a bleach a month. I pour it all around my house and sidewalks once a month, it keeps down the insect population like nothing else.  Yesterday the behemoth across the street felt compelled to come lecture me as I bleached. She was concerned I wasn't aware of the millions of of god's tiny creatures I was killing, nor the disrespect I was showing to mother earth, or the horrid chemical evils I was perpetuating. I told her I just hate bugs. This started another rant on learning to live in harmony with nature, spiritual melding with all forms of life, etc.   I "watered" all her plants for her last night in gratitude.  
  I often take a dump in the morning before my shower so that washing my ass actually means something. Also, like many others, I masturbate in the shower. I'm worried that I will begin to associate the smell of my poop with sexual excitement. So now, when I can, I use fragranced shower stuff as lube. The delicate equilibrium between fresia and the remnants of last night's all-you-can-eat buffet is truly arrousing.  
  I was learning to drive a motorcycle. It was a pretty nice one too from the mid seventies with a custom paintjob and the works. So i sit at the bottom of my twenty foot driveway listening to my dad say "give it gas then slowly let out the clutch until you feel it catch and there you go" So that is what i did onl i kept stalling it . . . here you can just pop the clutch out and it works the same way. So i start it up again and give it a little gas "more" says the father. So i gunned it and popped the clutch. My first experience driving a motorcycle was a twenty foot wheelie halfway through the back wall of the garrage. Bike didn't have a scratch on it and neither did I. So back down the driveway to give it another go. . . the best days are the ones that are spent like that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         hes coming onto her with the full court press they are playing pool and hes giving her pointers and lots of plastic nice shot and good leave crappy praise she is dropdeadheartstopping ill give him that much but this groovycondoguy act sucks whale then as if god agreed she winds up to take a shot  and poinks the cue butt into his ballsack just hard enough  to drop him to his knees fake through that condoguy  
  i always thought my 7th grade english teacher was saying "incomplete sentences are not dramatically correct."  and i kept wondering...what the hell does drama have to do with syntax?       
  My teenage brother-in-law took the last of the corn one evening at dinner time.  To which my three year old son remarked:  "Hey!  I wanted some corn!  You corn-punk!" The phrase stuck...  
  Amazed was playing on her computer.  We were having the most romantic and beautiful sex ever.  I thought she was about to start crying.  Then I asked if I could nut on her face, pulled my dick out of her..ripped off the condom..  then came all over her face.   I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking when I asked her that. But damn..do I know how to ruin a moment.   
  i just pooped at work.  two logs came out.  one was in the shape of an "S", the other, was shaped like an "I."  i looked into the bowl and thought with a smile "cool, my shit can speak spanish."  
  How often do you hear of a couple meeting because the guy sayd "oooh mamacita! i want some of that!" or other such gems? And why don't white guys in business suits do it too? Alas...  
  In elementary school a me and a friend skipped out of a choir session, long story short we end up in the school bathroom. When we're in there I convince him that it would be really funny if he took a shit in the urnal. So sure enough he drops his pants and lays a fat log in the urnal. So I guess the janitor wasn't too pleased with that and the next day at school they somehow trace it back to us. Various authority figures drill us pretty good, but we mandaged bullshit our way out. Then out of nowhere a secretary asks us what we had for dinner the night before the incedent. To this day I'm still thankfull that we both had the wits about us not to say corn...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I haven't been to work in over a month. I've developed this habit of thinking it's wednesday every day.   I went to the mall for opening time, hoping to beat the crowds. turns out it's not wednesday as I had thought but sunday. good thing the donut shop was opened early, nothing better to keep you company for 2 hours than donuts.  
  I was in a car accident once.  A really really bad one.  It was raining, and we hit a turn too fast... the car spun out and somehow was launched into the air via a guardrail... and we ended up rolling over about three times before coming to a rest upside-down.  I still had my cigarette in my hand.  I took a drag, put it out on the floor (ceiling) of the car, and then hauled myself out of the car.  a few days later, my friend (who had been driving at the time) was going through his wrecked car, and found my cigarette. (in-tact, with lipstick prints and everything.)  He gave it to me in a little plastic tube.  it was then i knew that we'd be friends forever. :)  
  After the recent mess-up between the FBI and the CIA over missing clues about the impending 9/11 attack, George Tenet, the CIA's director, ordered a new ad campaign to remake the agency's image. One of the suggested new taglines was: "The CIA: Proudly Overthrowing Castro Since 1959".  
  i get bored kind of easily. when youve gone through your cycle of normal shit day after day after day, you start to to realise your worthlessness in life. today i walked through school with a new vigor, i dont know where it came from, maybe the thought that i was loved by some one but i tripped in my step when i saw said person in contact with another guy. i dont know how far i am with her, but its a killer when you see your girl playing slap and tickle with another guy.  i know shes not mine per say, but i can fucking hope god dammit. besides lifes full of those damn ups and downs. 16 years experience and mind expanding kemicals has shown me that the world boils down to 1 thing. absolutely fucking nothing. life is so worthless in its entirety. its a combination of that one girl from the 5th elements viewpoint of "war and love" and the whole fight club school of thought. my view is gonna end up in a book. a fucking bible. i dont care, but im not nihilist, i dont believe, but im not athiest. i need to get more sleep.... not to mention stop pondering the cosmos    
  At the mere mention my friends were dating she said:  "Oh honey, you're too young to date!"  She started to cry a little and went into her room for five minutes.    When she came back down:  "If you ever are consider dating someone, tell me, okay?"  Oh sure, after  that  reaction.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the co-worker email trauma continues:  me (via email): just dont tell me bout the time something got stuck in your ass and we will be ok  his reply: it didn't get stuck but I bonded with a candle and a condom one idle afternoon  there is a reason i think all tech support people are on drugs...  
  If your looking for sympathy, you can find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.  ahh i love that one  
  Orientation at an all girls college...  "Do you play rugby?" she asked me with hungry eyes.  "No."  "That's too bad. I'd really like to teach you, sometime."  
  Tonight a Native American dude came into my work wearing a shirt that said   "got land?"  and on the back, it said...  "Thank an Indian"  
  sometimes when i get my period unexpectedly i just wad up a LOT of toilet paper in my underwear and continue on with my daily business...every girl has. EVERY  
  he started shaking his head very dejectedly so this is what it has come to the beastie boys ripping off lines and licks from anthrax huh questionmark dont let the beat drop shreiked he oh right anthrax what was i thinking         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once thought it might be cool to be a truck driver because it's so easy to masturbate as nobody can look down into your cabin.  But then I realized how alarmingly high the accident rates for trailer trucks are around where I live.  And then I realized why...  
  I often sit on icq and get spam messages.  Every once in a while I respond to see how the bot trys to go further to sell the product, asking odd ball questions.  Questions like "what is the beat off potential of your site?" "Am I garaunteed to be satisfied every time I jerk off to your site?"   Oddly enough I find these conversations with bots more satisfying than I do with many of the people I work and go to school with...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My first Superbowl:  I'm way too Scottish (i.e., cheap) to buy a real ticket, so I'm sitting in the nosebleed section with my binoculars and radio.  Early on, I notice what looks like an empty seat up front, right on the 50-yard line.  It stays empty for the whole first half.  At halftime, I go down and ask if the seat is taken.  Old guy: "You're welcome to it."  We get to chatting. Him and his wife have been doing Superbowls together for 20 years.  He: "She's not here this time because she died this year." His eyes moisten up.  Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry. But don't you have friends or relations who would liked to have come?"  He: "Oh, sure, but they're all at the funeral..."  (So you actually thought that  everything  I post here actually happened?)  
   BrewPub Darwinism  Every so often, when a couple come into the BrewPub, the woman sits down next to me. Not very often. Usually, the guy charges around, taking coats off and so on, arranging chairs and showing her to her place, and he somehow ends up between me and his woman :-) But sometimes, for some reason, the woman ends up sitting next to me. The guys who are with those women are the ones who are less likely to pass their genes on to the next generation...  
  The potatoes had actually sprouted and grown shoots that escaped the bag, pushed the cupboard door open, and stretched pale green tendrils across the trailer wall toward the filthy screen window.  "Wow."  We focused our attention back on Super Mario 3.  
  I usually take the bus when I go to the beach, because parking is impossible. Yesterday, I sat in front of some wanna-be entrepeneur who spent the ride yapping in his cellphone loudly about how he was in the middle of this deal, the middle of that deal, could they do this for him, etc. A very important man on a very lowrent version of transportation.  The part that got the whole listening bus laughing was when his mom called and he had to repeat three times that he'd be home before 8 and that yes, he loves his momsy. Loudly.  
  I was talking to my friend at about 3 am and she asked me what I did for the evening.    I said, "Nothing, it's been a slow night."    She said, "A slow night for you, that's unheard of."   To which I reply, "I know! No money for beer and I didn't get laid!  What a crappy night."    There's defintely a pathetic undertone somewhere in that last stament.  Because when I really ponder my defintion of a crappy night, I guess it should expand beyond getting drunk and/or getting laid.    
  spider-man doesn't have a mouth-hole in his outfit. how intelligent is that?  
  "I'm sure your car is worth $60, man.  I mean, the tape deck alone must be at least $5."  
  Squirt KY jelly In the bible salesman's ass I am despondent  
  My boyfriend at the time decides to tell me of his special birthmark he has. It's a nike swoosh, perfectly placed on the head of his penis. I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh my ass off when he saw it. And to think he took pride in this special mistake.  
  A friend's 40 something uncle was trying to quit smoking cigarettes after 30 or so years of use by using nicotine gum.  All was going according to plan until one day we came back to the house and saw him puffing away furiously and chewing the gum at the same time.  He looked at us apolegetically and said in a voice a crack addict would envy; "sorry guys, I couldn't help myself...you remember the buzz you get from your first cigarette ?  This is like that, every single time !!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for the suggestive designs and phrases printed on their children's thong underwear. What? So, as long as there's nothing suggestive printed on them, thongs are OK for 10-year-old girls? Jesus fucking Christ.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         To play a joke on my anal retentive roomate we put a banana in his underwear drawer.  In magic marker we wrote "YELLOW FELLOW." and drew a happy face on the Head of it.  He got very pissed and picked pubic hairs out of himself and flung them on my bed.    
  i just read a post about a guy with three balls. and i know a guy with three balls. i wonder if it's the same guy. and then i wonder which is more lowbrow. that we both know someone with 3 balls or that i'm actually wondering if it's the same person.  man, that guy is a living legend around here.  and giving him that status is probably pretty lowbrow too.  
  In the Duluth area they have an annual smelt-fry celebration.  This is a faux event, as most people don't really celebrate a strange little fish.  They do come for the party. Lots of acreage, a wide array of attending cultures and lifestyles, live bands and alcohol.  I saw two things that will haunt my dreams forever:  1- I saw a drunken woman, standing in a long Porta-Potty line, cursing at the crowd behind her for no obvious reason. A nuisance. When she locked herself in the plastic bathroom, one person in the line stuck a heavy twig in the locking mechanism on the door. A unspoken thing occurred and an army of people then pushed the Porta-Potty over. Door side down. Then they cheered.  2- It was first and only time I ever tried mushrooms. My roommate and I bought a BIG bag from some toothless biker on the grounds.  "How much do you thinkg we should take?" I asked my roomate, baggy in hand.  "I guess we split it in half and eat it all up. Who knows...maybe we can't get any effect on half an ounce, each."  We did this and then took our place in line to receive our free plate of fried smelt.  All that I really remember shortly after was someone handing me a greasy sopping wet paper plate with two stick-like pieces of food on it.   Then I saw one fish eye peer up through the fried breading.  I was told later that, prior to being ushered out the food line, my main mistake was to turn to the waiting line of people, holding the plate high above my head and yell:  "The fish is alive!"     
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I admitted to my cyberlover something I've never told anyone. I like to put my fingers inside of myself and wipe the light smelling lubrication around my mouth...  He said he wanted to kiss me at that moment... It's so nice to be accepted.  
  This guy I knew was bragging to me about shoplifting from the vatican gift shop.  I think that, as a Catholic, I should have been outraged, but secretly I admired him.  Stealing from God is a pretty ballsy move, if you ask me.  
  Being afraid that your weiners being bent by constant wacking is a horrible feeling. I still am unsure if thats true, but now im comfortable with it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I took a two-day 'Job Search Skills Workshop'. The only reason I went was in the vain hope of meeting a hottie. And maybe to try and find a job, but that was a secondary condition at best.   So against all the odds, there was an unemployed hottie there. Everything was going well, I was talking to her and there was no obvious disdain for a guy without a job. Then the inevitable happened.   Employment Counsellor: "What kind of volunteer experience do you have?"  Hottie: "Cancer Society."  E.C.: "Any particular reason you volunteered with them?"  Hottie: "Yeah, my boyfriend has cancer." And then she giggled. She had a tendency to do that at inappropriate times. According to her, she was just a 'dumb blonde'.   After the last girl I met had a boyfriend, I decided I wouldn't let that stop me. But when she said he had bloody cancer, I just couldn't do it. I'm not exactly sure if she said he 'has' cancer, or if he 'had' cancer, or if by boyfriend she meant boyfriend at the time, or what. But I couldn't see myself asking for her number, and then her replying "Didn't you hear me say I had a boyfriend? With cancer?" and then me replying "I didn't know if you meant he was your boyfriend with cancer when you first volunteered, and now he's your ex, or (better yet) dead... " and then I'd sort of try and back away slowly for a few steps, then turn around and hit a dead run out of there.    
  Not too long ago, in a drunken haze, my mother shamelessly implied that she thought I was screwing both a then-good friend as well as my then-boyfriend.  She then proceeded to babble on about sex-ed and condoms.  It's a sad day when your mother thinks you're a slut.  ''You know how to use condoms, right?''  It's an even sadder day when your mother thinks you're a stupid slut.  That night still gives me the heebie-jeebies.  
  after three weeks in russia i had developed a horrible case of ass squirts.  at one particularly bad moment i ran into a stinking underground public shitter, dropped my pants and exploded in its general direction...  only then did i discover the napkins pilfered from McDonalds were in my other coat...  i looked out the doorless stall and an old man taking a dookie opposite me smiled and continued reading his paper.  "hey, buddy can i see that paper when you're done,,please?"        
  we measure the temperature outside by the crazy guy who lives in the house behind ours.  every single day in the summer, and every day it's warm enough any other time of year, he's out on his little strip of a backyard, wearing the same plaid shirt and cowboy hat, holding a bottle of beer, and doing this insane cross between an elvis gyration and a square dance.  he's out there for hours at a time, all alone, and we can't hear the music he seems to listen to.  just this skinny little guy foxtrotting with himself -- very useful in april or november to know it's warm enough to go nuts outside w/out a coat on.  
  I remember the first girl that let me have anal sex with her. We were about 18, spending the weekend at my parents house while they were on vacation.  We had talked about it for about a week before; I wanted to, she wasn't sure about it. We ended up doing it late on that Saturday night.  In the ordeal leading up to it, I promised to give her my Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Greatest Hits CD in exchange for her doing this(and this was someone I had been in a relationship with for two years!) It wasn't all that great, but I at least had the experience accomplished. At the time I was thinking, "Runnin' Down A Dream."  Damn I miss that CD now.....  
   When my dad called me a lunatic, all I could think of to say was that the moon was going to be full that night, which was true.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my tv watching could be compared to full moons, in that i rarely if ever watch television.  but on the one rare occasion i did this month, i saw a commercial that involved a family at a zoo, and the mother taking pictures of her daughter.  then she tells her son to get over there so she can take pictures of him, too.  at this point, the boy gets attacked by A FREAKING GORILLA.  yes, a gorilla reaches through the bars and mauls the young boy.  it then cuts to a car, sitting there.  i didn't have any sound on, so i can only assume it was a car commercial.  but...  what the fuck!?  
  The 17 year-old behind the counter of the Sears Auto Center slowly looks me up & down. Oh, this is going to be fun... "I need a battery for a 1967 Camaro. I'm in the computer, under S____. Yep, right there." I lean over the counter and point to the screen. The list under that last name also lists a 1967 Chevelle. I thin veil of sweat appears on his upper lip. "Follow me, please." Maybe I should just follow your raging hard-on instead, kid. I guess a twenty-something chick with two 60s muscle cars is prime masturbation material for a teenager who works at Sears. "Can I ride your stickshift, big boy?"  
  I was so tired riding home, I couldn't wait to go to bed as soon as I got home, at midnight, my body ached. Now, I am sitting at my computer, in a Marilyn Monroe wig, I swiped from my grandmother, reading lowbrow till 3, remembering back to my other moment involving my mother and 178'er so oysters. Ahh, youth.  
  i am seeing a girl that loves nothing more than to give me head and fuck me all night long.  she asks me if it is okay if she sucks my dick...she rips my clothes off all the time and has sex with me...i don't even have to ask.    yet i still want to date someone else....what is wrong with me?  
  On the way back to Preston, cruising down 95, my BF announces he has a boner. "I think it's cos I have to pee." "Does that mean I can't play with it?" So I play with it for a while. "Didn't your ex note that Virginia is for lovers?" "Yeah." "How do you tackfully ask for a blowjob in the car?" "Move your arm." So we drive down 95 during rush hour, snow flying everywhere, and I give him his first hummer while driving. the cops didn't notice, but some truckers honked. ~puck~  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother, my mother and I once all worked for the same person. His name was Bob, and he was a prick. He was completely loaded, and, every year, his presents to the staff (in lieu of a bonus) got chintzier and chintzier.  One year, he sent out these cheapass $1 calendars... all the same one to everyone, too. It was literally worse than no gift at all. Certainly worse than a card. It was insulting. It was like saying, out loud, at a weekly staff meeting, "Fuck all of you."  So I took my calendar into the bathroom and took a shit on it. To the best of my memory, that's the only time I've ever taken a shit on something that wasn't already in the toilet.  It was only by performing this act of descecration that I discovered just how thin and reedy turds are if they don't soak up water in the bowl.  It's true. You look down into the bowl, and you think, "Wow, I passed that? That's, like, 2 inches in diameter!" But it wasn't that big coming out of your ass -- it just expanded!  Try it if you don't believe me. Your body has the right idea. It's compact (so it doesn't take up much room in your body), but it easily dissolves in water (so rain or running water can easily get rid of your smelly poop).  Way to go, evolution. Fuck you, Bob.  
  another thing that burns my nuts is the phraze "effin".  what kind of pussy ass shit is that?  if you feel strongly enough to warrent a 'fuck' then say fuck, if you dont, dont.  dont do that pussy ass, middle of the road dont wanna get yelled at for sayin a bad word bull shit...i mean if you really want to, you can even find a way to say fuck and not get in trouble, i managed to work it into a college-level high school essay, not only didnt get yelled at, got an A....  say it loud, say it proud  FUCK FUCK FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK , you god damned pussy ass little prep  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was in second grade I picked a large booger from my nose, and wiped it on the paper on the desk next to me.  What was more amusing to me was watching the other kids blame him for having a booger on his paper, some had even claimed to see him do it.    
  I walk into the kitchen to get some pie. Cut a nice quarter of the pie out and set it on the counter. My sister watching the whole time.  I get out the whip cream in a can and load the pie, then tilt my head back and fill my mouth. Satisfied I smile and look at my sister.  She remarks how she likes to do that too. "I like the air that comes out, it smells cool". I just stand there and look at her.   "Yeah they figured that out in the 80's when people tried to get high off of it. You have been huffing whip creme fumes."  She seemed shocked as I walked away to eat my pie.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My friends and I were celebrating my 'new' car (an '87 Reliant color: pale blue).  So we grabbed a light-up Jesus from a nativity scene and hung Him out the window of the car going 70 MPH. He fell off and was susiquently run over by a car. We killed Jesus...     again.  
  i read all these moments about certain stalls being set aside for shitting only.   at my school, there is an entire bathroom on the first floor, complete with 5 stalls, that is purely for shitting.  thats how lowbrow my school is.  
  As an out and proud homosexual, I'd like to bring something to people's attention....  Bitch is a word that only women can use...  Nigga is a word only black people can use...  Faggot is a word only we who have utterly fabulous fashion sense can use    Thank you  
  I've decided that the Skort (a skirt with built in shorts underneath) was developed by an old pervert with one intention in mind:  Get as many underage girls to wear as short of skirts as humanly possible.  Walking around Southern California in the summer time, I can safely say that his mission has been a rousing success.  
  I was at a Denny's restaurant at 5:30 in the morning, at the table next to me sat a middle aged woman with her two, young sons both probaly about 5 and 6 years old. Suddenly one fo them let out ae earth shattering beltch.... and both kids and myself started to giggle.... the mother.. apalled and embarrased snapped, "Johnny! what do you say?!"  to which the boy replied, "Holy Cow!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         APPEASEMENT On the last day of a big contract, the fan on my laptop quit.  Rather than letting the fat brick melt in a blaze of glory, I bought 3 packs of frozen peas and some Ziploc baggies.  Kept two pea-packs in the freezer and one under the laptop to keep those little chips nice and comfy!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One particularly nice thing about being adult and employed - as opposed to young and more or less broke - is that I don't have to smoke resin any more.  In fact when I clean my bowl and bong stem, I just throw it away...  ... and then, months later, find myself looking at the black goop on the bottom of my trashcan wondering if it's worth risking it.  
  BLOODY BUSINESS "Have you got any rolling papers?" Sarah asked Wes. "No, sorry." "How bout a matchbook?  Doesn't need to have any matches in it, just the cover." "Can't help ya there either.  Why do you ask?" "I'm out of tampons." After that, we called her 'The MacGyver of Feminine Hygiene.'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         three days ago a friend of ours died.  to accelerate the healing process, we hit up the local bar before the funeral.  later...  we're standing around the coffin, viewing the body (i still don't understand the point of doing this).  me: "boy, he sure looks healthy."  friend: "you would too if you stopped drinking for three days."    
  I was sitting in the men's bathroom. I finished up my business in the toilet, and reached into the toilet paper dispenser. No toilet paper. Fuck. I look all around the stall. Still nothing. Fuck.  Maybe I can ask someone else in the bathroom to hand me a roll from another stall. "Hello?" No answer. Fuck. I could casually walk out of my stall and into the next one. Yeah, I'll do that. Wait, fuck, I can't pull my pants up  now . A quick glance under the stall walls to make sure no one else is here. I slid under the stall wall into the next one, quickly shut the door, and made use of the toilet paper. Left the bathroom.  It occurred to me as I was writing this that I forgot to flush the toilet I did my business in while I was rushing to get out and not have anyone see me. Whoops.  
  Lazy, bratty, soon-to-be-ex-stepdaughter asks: "What you making?" Me: "Tom Yung Goong." She, dubiously: "Do I like it?" Me: "Yes, as much as you like Tom Kha Gai..." She: "Yeah! That was great!" Me: "...which means you like it enough to eat it, but not enough to put the leftovers in the 'fridge and clean the pot." She: "Hunh?" (I have come to hate that syllable over the last seven years) I nod towards the pot that's been sitting on the counter for the last three days. She lifts the lid: "Ewwwww... do I have to clean that?" Me: "I'll make you a deal: Next time you make me dinner, I'll wash your dishes, OK?" It would be a satisfying moment, but I don't think any of it got through to her. I can't wait to get out of this place...  
  I just found out that the sillybitch I used to go pranking with is moving, and yet (against type) she hasn't asked me to help her pack. I guess she remembers all the things we did to the last poor bitch who moved with our help. I bet the smell hasn't worn off yet.  So I went over while she was gone and "helped" some of her clueless friends box up some of her stuff.  Hope she likes eggs.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was playing with the action figures when she called me over to the baby section. She was smiling and sitting in the vibrating crib. We got kicked out of toys r us that day.  
  I watched him coming out of what I knew to be the "fuck you I'm outta this dump" meeting with the boss.  His face was impossible to read.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
  Frat party, five years ago, the room was bustin.  I had to talk her into having sex with me.  What finally worked was saying, "Come on, every guy in this room has had a blow job from you but me."  It was like logic she couldn't refute.    She sighed and said, "Yeah, okay."  
  Playing Truth or Dare once, I chose Truth. So they asked me "what is your most guilty secret?" I replied, after much thought, that it was the fact I am addicted to cowboy hats. I'd wear one every day if I could.  Can I help it if it's the only thing I'm really embarassed about?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was having sex with this girl and she moaned in my ear, "Where do you want to cum?"  Yeah right. I mean, think of how much trouble you got into when you tried to answer, "Am I fat?" or "Do you think that girl is cute?"  
        to embrace and live gracefully with you own stupidity is the ultimate art of living  oh yeah and mwuu is a lying ass bitch  
    Another of my dumb-ass female co-workers knocked herself out with a broom while doing charity work at the local Methodist church.  Apparently she bruised her carotid artery somehow.  She's on sick leave.      
  About a year ago I broke a piece of my wisdom tooth off  It didn't hurt or anything, so I blew it off  Saturday it started to hurt, so I called the dentist and scheduled an apointment to have it removed on a Friday so I would only miss one day of work from the discomfort (pain!)  I was miserable all week, and it was obvious that I was in pain  I was told to bring "proof" that I was at the dentist as if I was making it up  I assume they want the bill, or a note from him  Fuck that, I am bring in the tooth.  Let them copy that and put it in my file  
  I secretly want to have anal sex.  But I'm afraid that if I do, he will hold it over my head forever.     "haha, remember that time I fucked you in the ass?"  
  i'm frightened that my life seems to have turned into a john hughes movie. but without the snappy soundtrack.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I have decided that going to Vietnam is the what I want to do.  When I told Mike this, he looked at me blankly and said "Why bother? All the whores are chicks."  Thanks, Mike.  
  i was actually really saddened when they ripped my "i like pie" declaration from the wall.  
  One time my boyfriend (not the one I hate)and I were at a movie and as usual we were too broke to buy snacks there so we had snuck in our own in my purse.    We had soda, crackers and Cheese in a can.  I was getting some cheese on my ritz watching the movie when the can went crazy and cheese went flying across the theatre.  I heard this guy yell Oh God!  Somebody just shot cum all over me!  And he ran out.  I can only wish there was really cum made of cheese.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My Father said to me "You know the worst thing about growing old, is having to watch your friends die one by one".   I told him he shouldn't of fed them the mushrooms in the first case.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I pull into my apartment complex, playing the usual overly-aggressive music.  While leaving the car, a tenant from the opposing building says I should "Turn that shit down."  I replied "Get a shower and put a shirt on, then we'll talk."  I strutted over to my apartment, having pulled off a good retort and promptly discovered that my roommate locked me out.  So I sat down and waited, for two hours.    I hate being humbled.  
  A friend of mine is taking an exam in college.  He's in a lecture class.  Prolly about 300 or so students.  All of a sudden, the girl next to him screams out, "Stop copying my test!"  The professor hears this and summons them both to the front.  He compares the tests.  There was no cheating.  The girl was about as intelligent as a llama's asshole and my friend's a pretty smart guy.  The professor separates them anyways and my friend finishes the test.  After class he asks the girl what the shit her problem is.  She tells him, "Only Jesus can save your soul.  You need to come to our weekly meetings."  She then walked off.  Now I understand why religious fanatics were burned at the stake.  
  In moments of panic--like when I have to turn suddenly while driving a car--I can't remember which is left and which is right. So, I have to extend my index finger and thumb on both hands to see which one makes an "L."  That's the only way I know for sure.  Honestly.  
   Paper Doll  It's been so long that I've forgotten what it's like. I think I'm becoming a virgin again. But that's going to change a few hours from now! I'm making dinner for a wonderful, enthusiastic woman. I feed her an  amuse bouche  or two as I cook, and she just gets more enthusiastic. I present another appetizer. She takes one bite, stands up, grabs me tight, and kisses  hard. Girlflesh! Jeesus!  Am I ever made in the shade! What could  possibly  go wrong! On the radio, one of my Dad's favourite WWII songs comes on, and I sing along:  I'm goin' to buy a Paper Doll that I can call my own A doll that other fellows cannot steal  I sing it absolutely in sync with the recording, even adding a harmony.  Babe Of The Moment: "Oh, did that come out when you were growing up?" Oh shit. She just time-shifted me 30 years backwards. I know I have a few gray hairs, but... I realize I'm not about to get laid tonight...  When I come home at night she will be waiting She'll be the truest doll in all this world I'd rather have a Paper Doll to call my own Than have a fickle-minded real live girl   
  I took a "test" to determine how hard they should make the GED test. Everyone who was participating got a different subject. I got writing. It was a normal test, multiple choice, short answer and such. Then I came to the essay. My topic was to pick a leader who I thought was important and why. Since I wasn't going to be graded, I chose two people who I think deserved praise.  Captain America and Jesus. I talked about how Cap. America fought Red Skeleton and how Jesus faught Howie Mandel. In the end, Jesus and Cap. faught each other to lead the world. Jesus had ice breath and a robot. I'll let you decide who won. It was Hitler.  
    Today I spent many hours in the bottom of a hole with a very attractive young lady, frequently on all fours. Archeology rocks, mother fucker.        
  Today I saw a little old lady, who looked like "the bird lady" from Mary Poppins, standing in the drive-through lane of Fazzoli's.  Yes, standing.  Bending over to the mike, and squinting at the menu, no car in sight.  I did not, however, feel it would be prudent to inform her of the establishment's interior dining quarters, as she did not seem to be bothered by her situation.    None the less, it makes me very glad I plan on dying young...  
  A buddy of mine lived way out in the woods in a little shack and his only neighbor was a friend of ours who had a cabin right next door. One day we were down there in the dead of winter and we ran out to his car to take off to go somewhere -probably a bar or a diner, anywhere but there. The battery was dead. His neighbor was just leaving and his car was parked right next to my buddy's. --"Hey can I get a jump?" "Naw, cause it will wear down  my  battery and  then  my  car might not start some day." --"Huh?" He drove off and we stood there waiting for about a half hour, thinking he had to be kidding and would be right back. Noone is really that much of a prick are they? Yup.  
  Visiting hour in my ward. Lots of visitors. I get a phone call from a friend:  Me: ...well, I was upset when you said that you thought uncircumsized men looked weird.  She: Oh, are you not circumsized?  Me: You know I'm not!  We went skinny-dipping last summer!  She: I wasn't paying attention. (come to think of it, that alone qualifies as a lowbrow moment)  She: I didn't notice you paying any attention to me, either.  Me: ARE YOU KIDDING? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY MOLES YOU HAVE ON YOUR LABIA?     
  Alcoholism runs in my family. Like really. I have 8 or 9 uncles, and all but one or two are alcoholics. one of my grandfathers was an alcoholic  and some of my cousins are alcoholics   so I've always been afraid of drinking. I mean it's not like I see a beer and think " OH no! It's gonna get me!"  But I've only drank on three occassions, and only one, maybe two drinks.  Well I wanted to know what it was like to get drunk.  But before I could act on this, my mom has some sort of wierd idea.  She wants my first time getting drunk to be at home. That way, I can find out my limit without embarressing my self in front of friends, and in a wierd "Mom" way it could be a bonding moment.  So, I started drinking ( by hte way I hate the taste of beer. I don't mind whiskey, or other hard liquors, but beer just gets to me. it tastes like shit)  First I had a shot of Tequila. Then I had a straberry Daquiri Then I had four buttery nipples ( trying to remember what's in them and I"m forgetting... Irish Creme and I think it's butter rum, or butterscotch rum, or something like that) Then I had a shot of Creme de Cacao ( dear god this stuff kicks ass) And then finally, me and my mom made this ass kicking chocolate drink made with kahlua, creme de cacao, creme de menthe, and some chocolate ice cream. that had two shots in it total, between the three types of alcohol.  9 drinks in under 70 minutes.  And you wanna know the part that pissed me off?  not only was i not drunk I wasn't even buzzed. The only thing I had was a little sugar high from the ice cream.  but at the same time I didn't wanna drink any more, I didn't think it was healthy. Plus I was full from the milk-shake type drink.   Next time I try this, I'm gonna do it alone,a nd I'm just gonna chug shots of jack daniels until it fucking works.  
  eh, I let my dog walk around, and he took a shit on my neighbor's sidewalk.   So I walked in the garage looking for a shovel to toss it somewhere else.  This wakes my mom up, I guess.  She stumbles over.  "Did the dog go?"  "Yeah on the neighbor's sidewalk. Where's the shovel."  "I don't know, just leave it."  "k, mom."  
  "......Lowbrowcom is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Lowbrowcom is right for you.  Lowbrowcom should not be taken if you are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant.  Side effects may include headache and lack of productivity.  Lowbrowcom... our glasses are all empty."        
  The Fifty States as I would have named them.... [ahem]  1. Assaslama  2. Ourkinsass   3. At-last-ska (I've been waiting for some ska)  4. Vein (maine.  A state that sometimes needs draining)  5. Massholechewsets  6. Virgin?-YEAH!  7. West Virgin?-YEAH!  8, 9. North/South Carol'sVagina  10, 11. North/South DaCokeda  12. Need-BRA-SKA  13. Kinsass  14. Misery  15. Illannoy  16. Minesavodkaandsoda  17. HiHowaya (ok YOU try making that one dirty)  18. Callforpornia  19. Oregasm  20. Washingdong  21. Idaho (get it? are you one too?)  22. WideOring (a bit of a stretch, no pun intended)  23. Utoke  24. New Sexico  25. Ariboneya  26. Colorideho  27. Nevada (already associated with wonderful vices)  28. Oklickho,ma  29. LooseyAnna  30. Engorgea  31. Floorrider  32. Bitchagain  33. Kinsucky (noticing a trend?)  34. OH-HIGH-OH  35. In-diana (some of these are easier than i thought. )  36. VerMount  37. Knew Pork (in the biblical sense, heh heh)  38. New Lambshagger (New Hampshire)  39. PenisVeinia  40. Mary'sLap.  41. Knew Guernsey (the cow, see 37).  42. MoanedAnna  43. Connectislut  44. Tex'ass (he really should take better care of it)  45. Penis-see (tennessee, another tough one)  46. Rode Ellen  47. Miss'speepee (transvestites are people too)  48. I-ho-a (gimme a break, so I punted on that one).  49. Wiscuntson (childish, yes, but my brain is starting to hurt)  50. Dellawear (why della had to quit ho-ing).  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We lived in this  "L" shaped house when I was a kid, and the garage was the bottom of the "L". So there I was, chasing my younger brother around, and I'm gonna kick his ass for some imagined slight (cause that's what brothers do, ya know?!). He ran out the frone door, and around in front of the garage, with me in full speed hot pursuit. Turns out the garage door was halfway open, and caught me right at the bridge of the nose. I was wearing wire framed glasses, and I bounced back about 6 feet and lay there, cussing and bleeding. The glasses had wedged between the cartalige and the bone at the base of my nose (of course, my nose was shattered). So my dad comes home and takes me into the emergency room, where a doctor get out what is basically a set of pliers and pry thesee damn glasses out of my face. Then he notices the book sticking out of my dads jacket pocket, and spends the next 20 minutes or so, talking books with my dad. All I can think is "Pay attention, asshole. You're not even watching what the fuck your doing."  To this day, my nose is fucked up...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         smile...it makes your ass tingle.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         she spent the first half of the train ride -- 30 minutes -- applying her makeup ever so carefully. brushes and colors flew out of her bag until her plain face had been transformed to something slightly less ordinary -- watching the transformation happen, i think, rubbed away some of the makeup's magical effects.   it wasn't until she fell asleep that i noticed the places where her eyeliner had skipped as a result of the train's bumpy ride, tiny blobs of brown interrupting the rest of the line. sort of like line segments.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  I get sick when I was the mold off the dishes to make food.  It's the mold or the roaches or the ants.  Sink smells almost like sewage or septic tanks.   I cut my onions for hamburger with a kinda Ghurki or whatever warrior knife that was a Christmas gift.    I make my breakfast today with my last slices of bread by tearing pieces of the sack off  Scoop and smear!  Nobody comes to visit.  That's how I like it.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I read a moment about cutting off the tail of a small fish and attaching a large fake tail to it to create a SuperFish and this bothered me a little.   If they had said to cut off the feet of a small person and attach giant fake feet to them, I don't think I would've even thought about it twice  
  I was playing Bedrock by John Digweed in our office one day. Absolutly beautiful. My Doc walks by and stops "You know, that sounds like a bunch of cats being run over by a steamtruck."  
  I was 18 when I went on tour with my old band the first time. We were all broke, so instead of staying in hotels, we camped in tents. Late one night after returning from a show, I realized I was hungry. All I had left was one chicken dog (duh, they're cheap as dirt and nearly as tasty). I didn't want to start the campfire and then have to turn right around and put it out, so I cooked my last chicken dog over a candle at 3 am.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Someone at lunch was aghast when I applauded the unknown Russian soldiers who blew away the Czar and family including lovely little Anastasia after the revolution.  "But she was a little girl," the pasty faced account exec. spluttered.  "She wasn't a little girl...she was a young royal."  I also got in trouble when I commented that when Diana's limo hit the wall that she finally became 'good' royalty.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Someone asked if your pets know what you're doing when you masturbate.  Heck yes they do, and they'll help out if you're nice to them.  
  Once while tooling across the vast empty scrub of Wyoming, a dusted old priest anounced over the airwaves (the only fucking radio station) that "Hope is defined in the bible as a  joyfull   and   confident   expectation.  After years of consideration I am here to report that the  only   Glory which fits this characteristic without fucking fail is the bowl of weed waiting at home for me to smoke at days end.  Glory be.  
   dr john and are are having a smoke outside the office in chelsea ma when a ho walks up in an outfit that could only be described as hookerwear and starts to ask dr john if he would like a date wink wink dr john goes flush and stammers out a no no im married she walks upto me and says oh you i ll do you for free to wit i reply thanks but i wouldnt want to give you my cold dr john gets all bent because he in the entire time he has worked in this godforsaken section of heroinhotown has a hooker ever offered to do him for free i really didnt think it was as much a compliment as he did       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once when I was little I shit myself and the crap rolled down my leg and into my jellies (anyone remember those)...well my mom found out and told me that if I ever shit on my shoes again, she'd never buy me another pair of jellies again. This led to my habit of promptly removing my shoes when I felt a shit coming on.  
  Borders, Columbus.  I found a penny.  Heads up too.    "Yeah, well Mr Penny go fuck yourself!"  The woman at the next table hurried of leaving her coffee untouched.  I smiled.       
  The good thing about dating two guys with the same name is that you don't have to worry about screaming the wrong one.  The bad part is the looooong pauses on the phone when you hear "Hey, it's _________"  
  He said, "I don't need lube when I jack off. My body makes it's own"  I suggested he seek medical attention.  
  Lacking suitable candidates, my dorm elected as its president a giant double-headed dildo named William S. McShafty.  One night, on a whim, I head down to the local pizza place with the prez slung across my shoulders. One of the kind, aging Hispanic ladies who works there asks me what it is. Utterly astonished that someone would not recognize its function, yet desperately trying to avoid embarrassing her, I stammer "Um...um...um.....a friend." right as she asks "A massager?" Sure, I hastily correct myself. A massager. I couldn't look her in the eye after that.  
  We'd been on-again-off-again for about four years. She fell in love - I didn't.  So at the end of a long, drawn out break-up she looked at me and asked "So are you just going to wash the vibrator, or what?"  I told her she could have it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ever end up getting to work about 10 minutes late because you absolutly had to stop and masturbate?  It's happening too often for me, for some reason. I really need to schedule this stuff.  
  so i was getting it on with my girlfriend way back when, when suddenly my cell started ringing. i simply reached down from the bed and switched it off. a minute later, her little brother (aged 13) stormed into the room, demanding to know whether a friend of mine (whom he tremendously liked) just called. we yelled at him to get the fuck out. yet another minute later, her mother came in, steaming, demanding to know why we were yelling obscenities at her kid son.  =>   1.) always seal yourself into a nuclear bunker before doing your girl. 2.) make sure to cut the phone line to the bunker. 3.) if you should ever have to completely fold up your boner while still inside the girl, have her rabid mother break into the bunker. immediate erectile dysfunction guaranteed. 4.) if the bunker is owned by her parents, you're likely to never again see it from the inside (and if she is rather well-protected, the same applies to seeing HER from the inside, too)  
  When I described the hottie I was hooking up with to a friend...as an afterthought I said he looked like Jesus. I guess if you're the son of god, you'd sure as hell be hot. I'm a bad little jewish girl  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I am currently attending corporate training in a hole in the wall in SoCAl while reading about the crisis that are happening at work.  Faced with the need to take an explosive dump, I visit the nearby loo.  Not something I do by choice, but given the fact that such an opportunity will not present itself for another 7-8 hours, well, you get the drift.  So I take said dump and am in the process of cleaning up when I see that someone has thoughtfully placed two, count-em, two cans of Glade Air Freshener nearby.  One Power Fresh, One Citris Fresh.  I reflected that the advance of human technology is such that I can now choose whether to let people think my excrement smells like power or oranges.  I won't leave you in suspense, I chose Oranges.  
  He smiled at me like he had never smiled before.  The clerk at the corner store finally noticed me.  Then I got home and noticed the spaghetti smudges all around my mouth and on the tip of my nose.        
  Overheard at the construction site:  "You guys call this a paint job?! I could've done a better job if I stuck a paint brush up my ass and did cartwheels."  
  I don't know what it is about the spanish moss that's all over the trees down here, but the tourists always get so excited that they always try to get some. They put it in their hand bags, or even make little crowns out of it and wear them on their heads. I like to forget to tell them that spanish moss is full of chiggers. damn tourists  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once upon a time, when I was in fifth grade, I was doing some homework, and came across and electric lint remover.  I put it on my clothes and noticed that it wasn't picking up any lint.  So, I decided to see if it worked at all.  I put it on my face, my arm, my hand, nothing was happening.  Being the genius that I am, I put it on my tongue, and, zzzzzz, it worked!  I didn't know you could get stitches in your tongue until that fateful day.  
  Coming to the end of a hard days work at the office I lean back in my chair to relax, only to notice that the pair of pants I had worn that day had a small hole in them. Noticing a piece of cotton sticking of the hole I forgot all about what my mother had told me about pulling them and took a firm hold of the offending thread, and tuggerd....hard...  It was only when my eyes started watering and a gasp escaped from my mouth that I realised it wasn't a piece of cotton at all.  
  Here's some things I have made bongs and pipes out of:  Snorkel  Many various pop bottles  Trombone mouthpiece (used as a bowl)  Tennis Ball Container  Coconut  Friend's Parents' Vase  Supersoaker (In Progress)  Film Canister  Beer hat (wearing a bong on your head is one of the best feelings in the world)  
  I have the worst gas right now. I have been visiting the bathroom constantly. I fear I have offended my co-workers.    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  It's 3 AM, I'm jacking off to internet porn, and I happen to notice something.  One of the women has the same tattoo, in the same place, as my mother.  Quickly halting the wanking, I examine the photo. It wasn't her, but after that, masturbation just wasn't the same.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I once spotted James Brown buying a Cadillac. I resisted the urge to shout "Papa got a brand-new CAR!" at him, however.  
  i posted on a bunch of the message boards on sparknotes.com that people should e-mail me if they wanted a copy of some of my old high school papers. so now all these kids e-mail me and say shit like they want to see a copy to "use as research" or to "cross-reference" with their paper. jesus these spineless morons can't even admit they are just gonna type their name on it and turn it in.  
  Whenever I start submitting lowbrow moments, I go on a rampage, and wind up writing for hours.        
  My husband and I were standing in the long line at the supermarket, and after a while I sighed in boredom, leaned back against him and reached around to give him a quick fondle.  Imagine my surprise when he cuts through the line and appears in front of me with the cheezy poofs I like, while my hand is still full.  What makes this lowbrow rather than merely embarassing? Before I turned around to apologize, I asked myself "WWLDFDD?" (What Would La Dee Fricking Da Do?)  
  The second girl I had sex with promptly said, "Oh god... thank you." and rolled over to fall asleep.  Was she thanking me for wonderful sex or thanking god it was over?  
  i heard the alarm this morning and i thought i'd won a prize.   
  I decided I needed to be hipper, cooler, somehow. Unavailable-cute, sorta thing. I go on Depo (just in case this dry spell ever ends), hang out with cool people, get a honda, pierce my navel.   Then reality hits. I gain 10 lbs from the Depo, have the blind date from somewhere south of hell (no, it's me, I swear it, I always want to pull my hair out after 2 hours of being with men...seriously), talk about serial killers with one of those cool people I was talking about (very interesting conversation but I'm sure we scared a few people, particularly the off duty cop), my honda needs a new battery, and my ex moved in across the street. My body rejected the piercing, before a man ever saw it.   I was sure I had the manual to this whole Life thing, but I'll be damned if I know where I put it. I would be bitter, but I think I'm just too despondent to reach bitterness right now.   
  It seems like just last month the Shell station just had the one kind of cigarette lighter; it had a rack of plastic Bics.  Now there are those, plus little round lighters, plus extra-big pastel Scripto lighters, plus I don't know what else.  Who's out there demanding this many disposable-lighter designs in this many colors?  I understand it for some things.  I like a good selection of mustards as much as the next guy.  But lighters?  Come on.  
  I was having a party and went to pathmark.   I had some grocery shoping to do also  $300 dollars later, I'm at the checkout..  I pull out my Pathmark "Savings" Card.  Saved $.027  I threw the card at the cashier!  FUCK PATHMARK!  
  So I was sitting at the bar talking to a friend of mine, when the girl sitting next to me strikes up a conversation.  Being a pretty pathetic sort, this doesn't happen to me often, but I handle it well.  My small talk is working (a rarity, indeed), and we're having a nice conversation.  My thoughts turn to the possibility of sexual relations with this rather attractive girl (Rachel was her name) when this guy she recognized walks in.  "Oh, my God, I went to high school with him," she said.  We talk for a while longer (my ability to small talk has never held up this long) when she mentions that the guy is looking at her.  I encourage her to go tell him hello.  She finally agrees, saying "I hope he doesn't think he can come on to me just because I went to school with him and am going to talk to him."  Don't worry about that, I tell her.  Just go say hi, then come on back, and I'll buy you another beer.  She leaves.  I turn to my friend and talk for a couple of minutes.  I turn back to see what Rachel was up to.  She's making out with the guy at the bar.  Am I that big a loser, or is she that big a slut?  I'm probably that big a loser.  
  This time while he was fucking me with his very inadequate penis...I decided to use one of those neat-o French ticklers that was included with my new vibrator kit.  I figured even if it did nothing I wasn't going to be any worse off.  And THEN...like magic it happened.  I actually orgasmed having sex with him.    Then he said, "Wow, you don't usually act like that when you cum."    Hmmm...I sure couldn't explain to him how I was forced to fake it all the other times.  So I just said, "Well figure it out later, you should get out of my bed now."  Then I jumped out of bed...because well, I had to run to the bathroom to wash that "miracle worker" off for next time.  Sometimes I really wonder if it's better to be mean or honest....because sometimes it seems like ya just can't win.    
  This one friend of mine always has the most interesting bits of trivia at lunch.  One time she told us about a fat woman who moves across the bed by hurling the fat to the other side ("all in one fluid movement") and letting her body follow.  Then she told us about these people in the mountains who are so inbred their kids are turning out blue.  Not from lack of oxygen or anything, just blue.  She has a friend with a smiley face tatoo inside his mouth too.  I always look forward to lunch.  It gives me something to talk about the rest of the day.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Have you ever noticed the impressive speed with which Zip drives eject their disks? Well, as a practical joke, I added a razor to a disk and put it in my workstation. But today I forgot all about that and embedded a Zip disk in my chest.  Damn.   
  --Quote-- I had an actual email address I used when posting here, but after a series of abusive letters from jesus freaks and those peta crapheads, I let it go.  I get enough of that kind of thing at work.  - cheerleader@yercrotch.com  --/Quote--  Dammit, that would make it worth doing, and hey, i give money to peta   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               What the hell is up with lowbrow ad San Fransisco, I must have seen 30 moments tonight that refer to SF in some way or another.  From Subway nazis to orgasmic pizza, that city must have it all.  
  It was an uncomfortable moment with a new doctor. My old doctor, Dr. Singer, had quit his practice and moved to Arizona. I hadn't been to the doctor for almost a year, but a trip to Costa Rica and some intestinal bug made this visit happen.  "Turn over on your side, we need to check for blood in your lower intestine." she said.  I did turn over, not terribly excited about what was coming.  "It's better that I do this, rather than Dr. Singer." she continued. " He has bigger fingers."       
  We were about to have sex for the first time.  "You don't HAVE anything do you?" I aksed. "I haven't had sex in four months." He replied. Well that's just fucking avoiding the question, isn't it?  
  my parents are divorced. i had to visit my dad one day for the weekend. his house is dirty, and anything not in a can or the fridge had bugs in it. not knowing this at the time, i decided to eat cereal there. let me tell you, there is nothing better to wake you up than finding a live meal worm in your cereal, and then realizing what that strange taste was in your mouth. my dad's response: "must be a problem at the ceral company." i checked the other boxes of cereal (bout 5 boxes,different brands too), and found moths, spiders, and a roach. i put the boxes back and said nothing. that is the last time i will eat anything besides canned food there again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          everything was so easy when i was with him. he completely accepted me, he forgave me for being horrible all the time, he did a lot of things for me. i didn't do anything for him, really.  i couldn't stand that. when i broke up with him after like four months i told him i thought it was too easy, that i didnt have to work for anything. i wanted to have to work for affection and whatnot...  so the other day we're picking up his sis from work at like 10. its out of the loop about 3 miles or so. we're driving along on the dark highway, listening to some tool, but mainly bush, and i realize i like everything about him and would leave town with him right then, never come back and be with him as long as i lived.  if only he had kept driving...   sheesh.     
  Ladies, what is with all the bush shaving these days? Now, I'm all for keeping it under control, no one wants to see hair creeping down the inside of your thighs, but fuck this "bacon strip" shit. When you look at a naked woman, the hair is what tells you where the fun stuff is...  
  First concert I ever went to was Iron Maiden, Rob Halford and Queensryche.  I was 16 at the time and my friend just got his license so we all felt like tough guys.   The guy and gal in front of us were very intimate during much of music, holding each other really close...yada yada.  but when Maiden came on and played Blood Brothers, they each put their hands into the others pants and went at it.  My friends and I were in shock...and the guy threw his head back when the guitar solo came...and the girl screamed out loud and winced in pain...or what would have been out loud if there weren't 2000 speakers in the place.  Then they each removed their hands at the end of the song and wiped them clean on their pant legs.  My friends and I can never listen to that song again, and whenever we have a cd with it on it, we skip over it and there is an awkward silence that falls.  
  Had a good conversation with the guy who sells bongs at the flea market....  It's amazing how you can talk about getting high and shit like that, without ever coming right out and saying, "I smoke pot."  Even my wife understood the conversation.  Went right home and tried that bad boy out......  
  'THE Vatican has warned Catholic bishops and priests not to use the internet to hear  online confessions  in case they are read by  ill-intentioned people such as hackers  for purposes such as blackmail. '  I say that the Vatican should recommend posting to lowbrow.com and them absolve all of us 'browers.  
  I knew when my wife walked into the kitchen the marriage was going to end.    Not by her expressions or her emails or her phone calls.   But by watching as our family pet licked her clit over and over just before she got up to make dinner.        
  i miss drinking sometimes.  and i hate aa, sometimes, as well.   quitters.  well, i have to have something to hate at all times, something solidly humbling. i stick to hating myself for being a quitter instead of hating myself for being the only person i know to piss and vomit at the same time, lying naked on my side by the toilet, with my mouth snapping open and closed uncontrollably from all the shitty speed.  you know how it feels, when youre puking but youve done so much coke you really cant feel it coming out of your face anyway? but damn, its fun until then.  
  I usually don't think very much while I'm in the shower.  Today, it seems, I was thinking less than usual.  I just grabbed my shampoo and started to lather my hair.  It didn't take me long to realize my hair wasn't even damp yet.  I quickly corrected the problem but...the bottle specifically states that hair should be wet first.  If a student named Eric on your campus is suddenly very bald in the next day or so, that may just be me.  And you already know why.  
  My hands wouldn't respond to my brain SCREAMING at then to move.   they just stayed there clamped to the front of her sweater.  I just want to hold on to her expression..it wasn't so much the tits        
  In mid sized, upscale, trendy cities the ash trays are full of half smoked cigarettes.  In podunk, white trash, red neck towns everyone smokes down to the butt.  Don't ask me how I know this...  
  My cousins are coming over tonight, and the little fuckers have no respect for the sanctity of the room of a 21 year old guy, I swear. Since I'm going out, I have to rearrange some stuff in my room, ie, hide my drugs, bong, alcohol, and porno. Drugs, Bong, and Alcohol, no problem, they're coming with me, and not coming back home, 'cept the bong. The porno was a problem. I clear out my t-shirt drawer, put all my porno mags and movies in there, and put my shirts over it. I barely have enough shirts to totally cover my porno stash. I think I masturbate too much.  
  I assumed that after loosing my virginity I would masturbate less.  I was wrong.  
  A leopard skin print cotton dress appears to be the cheap imitation that it is.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I'm out of whiskey...and isopropyl.  Time for the ethyl from the gas tank.  Ahhh, lovely ethyl.  Just like in I Love Lucy, you're right next door.  Or upstairs, or something.  
  We just finished having sex.  He puts on boxers and goes downstairs.  He yells may name and I go running, naked. He meets me at the bottom of the stairs and kisses me.  We walk to the kitchen.   THEN! My grandmother is at the door.  She is walking into the house....towards the kitchen.   We scramble.  No place to hide.   Grandma sees us. He faces me and I him.  He hides me from view.   Grandma says "Sorry to disturb you." and "When it is more convenient for you..." and continuted to have a full 10 minute conversation about buying a birthday present for my mother.   She leaves.  I buy the present. Mom is happy.    Grandma never told anyone about the situation in the kitchen.  
  Me, I find television to be a mindsucking, induviduallity sapping, ignorance promoting blemish upon the face of the Universe.    But, I will stay up all night playing video games.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Vital Statistics  I take my boy to an ice-hockey lesson. He's all enthusiastic, and tells the cute girl behind the counter that he's 6. Me: "She doesn't need to know your age. Besides, she's much too old for you: she's 19." Girl looks really stunned: "How do you know that?" Me: "That's not all I know. Step back and turn all the way around." She obliges, girlflesh candy that she is. Me: "You are 5' 6", your bust is 34", your waist 22", and your hips are also 34." I'm about to also tell her what her inside leg measurement is (35") but some guy who must have thought she was his suddenly gets in my face. Behind him, she is just blushing and beaming. I ignore him and tell her: "I used to be a tailor. I'd love to measure you for a suit sometime." So just what is he going to do? He's a stupid 19 year-old, and I'm an  insane fighting Scottish maniac!  Nothing comes of it, of course. She's only nineteen.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "You're boring.  I'm done with you"  Two weeks later. After sleeping with four guys and realizing she was nothing but a hole to stick their dicks in. After gaining what looked like 30 pounds. After losing all her friends for being a cold-hearted bitch.  "You were the best thing that ever happened to me.  Can I please have another chance?"   Now I believe her when she said I had a big dick and long fingers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         About a week or so after Anthrax started showing up at all the post offices I went to pick up the mail from our PO box. The lobby was pretty crowded, about 6-8 people mailing shit and buying stamps. After getting the mail out of the box. I held up an envelope and gave it the old "whiff/sniff" loudly under my nose. Everyone in that place turned to look. Oh shit, the expressions those people had still make me laugh.  "Mmmm, got me some damn fine 'thrax here"  
  Whilst I was sleeping at my then boyfriend's house, our friend Porkchop was passed out in a drunken coma in the living room.  At about 4 AM, the bedroom door opens and in walks Porkchop.  I proceeds to silently open the closet door, piss on said boyfriend's clothes, close the closet and start to walk out of the room.  But on the way, he knocks over a candle, making alot of noise.  "stupid, stupid, stupid", he whispers as he picks up the candle.  Knocking the candle over was stupid but pissing in the closet wasn't??    
  I cancelled my flight reservations.  United.   Already told my best friend, "No Thanks."  It won't be the first Thanksgiving alone, but it will definitely be the hardest.  Thing I'm "Most Thankful" for: My gun is two states away.  
  Now I have absolutely no idea where the necktie originated from but,  I worked in an office in a capitol city for about 3 years.  During which time I refused to wear a tie.  Finally one day when asked by boss why I didn't wear a tie I said:  "Because that tie around your neck originated as a symbol of a half freed slave - see you got the shackle around your kneck and that dangly rest is your little bit of chain.  So your free but only   so   free."  He bought it.  The appearence of the tie in our office dropped by about 70% in those 3 years.  It just sounded good at the time.    
  So I'm go up to the register at the store/restaurant I work at and there are two middle-aged women talking to eachother at the counter.  "Yeah," the first woman says, "My friend, Marie, got bit by a cat."  "Oh no!" says the second woman, in that I'm-so-shocked-I'll-gasp-in-this-cliched-middle-aged-woman-voice way.  "Yeah, the cat bit her in the leg.  It severed a tendon."  "My God!"  "Yeah, and apparently the cat had some kind of deadly bacteria in its mouth."  "Really?"  "Yeah, she was poisoned by the cat [sic].  We thought she was going to die for about a week there."  "That's awful!"  Yes, that's right, this middle-aged woman was nearly KILLED by a single cat-bite to the leg, which also severed her tendon.  I probably shouldn't have laughed quite so hard.  I hate old people.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had quite possibly the worst sinus infection ever. My eyes were bloodshot, my face swelled up, I was miserable. I went to the doctor (who was very young and not that long out of med school) and as I was waiting for him to come in the room, my eyes were watering like mad. He opens the door, sees my face, and puts an arm around me. "Hey now, don't cry, we'll get you fixed up." "I'm not crying, I'm really sick." "....Oh. Well let's get you some antibiotics!"  
  My (live in girlfriend at the time, now wife) and I used to go down to the office, cause we didnt have a computer at home, and have group sex online at AOL. Wasn't bad...  
  girlfriend and i are sitting around, smoking and bullshitting. the conversation jumps around... discussions of a pregnant friend turn into me explaining my lack of motivation the past couple days (due to working 14 hours a day) to consummate our love. she says: "oh, don't worry about it... well... how should i say this... i don't want to be gross... let's just say that we're not going to be having a baby." me: "that's good... but you can be gross around me. in fact, i find gross funny. if you rip a hole in the toilet paper, and get shit all over your hand, i want to hear about it." "well, i've never gotten shit on my hand... but... if you want to hear about it, i'll tell you if i ever do." now i wonder if she thinks i have some sort of fecal fetish.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         okay - so my parents are waiting for my grandparents to die so that they can live in their nice house.  They buy furniture knowing exactly where it will go in their house-to-be.  "I hope we have enough money to buy out the other two thirds of the house when your parents die" - my mom to my dad  eh - he doesn't have a problem with it - neither will I.  
  waiting in line for the single-stall women's room at lunch. a woman clomps down the stairs and sees me waiting. 'you on line?' she asks. i nod. she looks towards the men's room and grins. 'let's see how the other half lives,' she said. 'do you not feel comfortable with that?' i laugh uncomfortably as she squeezes past me to try and jar open the door. she succeeds about 10% of the way in, and her inquisitiveness is met by the door being slammed shut loudly. ten seconds later, the door opens, and a man walks out, giving us a stern look.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I used to live right across the street from this lesbian couple who were always at each other's throats and screaming fighting each other.  It came out that it was most often all about the little one's ongoing relationship with her ex-boyfriend.  Apparently she was bi-sexual, and that inflamed her butch partner to no end.  One time I heard the usual screaming and crashing of kitchen utinsels and lamps and stuff and then they both came flying out the front door, rasslin' and kicking one another like mad.  I was enjoying the show immensly, kind of rooting for the little one, when all of a sudden the neighbor next door to them, this rediculous Christian guy, ran over and seperated them and began "ministering" to them.  I went back to my guitar and improvised a song about wannabe cops.  
  So there we sit, two 20 something pizza delivery boys (one is married) and myself, a 20 year old girl who's only reason to wake up is to grab something ot eat and smoke a bowl or two.  Anyway, we are bummed.  We tried to get some X tonight, but our drug dealer, a high shcool kid, can't be out past 9:30 on school nights.  
  I've come to the conclusion that 2 types of people purchase (or have someone purchase for them) Hello Kitty merchandise:  Little girls, for whom the merchandise was meant  Young ladies who want to have the outward appearance of being nice and sweet and all that, but are complete freaks (the good kind)  I know this because my ex-g/f was a complete Badtz Maru nut, and she's a punk/goth who liked it in the ass and was caught fucking on Broadway St. in San Francisco; he was dressed as the Mad Hatter, she as Alice.  So, whenever I see a gal in her early to mid-twenties with some sort of Hello Kitty regalia on, I usually go over and introduce myself.  
  Another one of my crazy stupid roommate low brow moments.  (there will be lots, cause my roommates are whacked, and also, I don't plan to move out any time soon.)  This was actually back when I first moved in with them in June.  I was hanging out with one of the roommates, Denise, and this other guy named Steve, who's the friend of one of the OTHER roomates named Todd-  who wasn't there at the moment because he'd left.  But me Denise and Steve are all in my room hanging out, and Steve pulls out a pipe and lights up some speed, and I'm drunk, and Denise is just being her usual weirdo self, and Steve starts cracking crude rude sexual jokes and comments and telling us all about the chicks he's "converted" into loving anal sex...his lame attempt I guess at trying to impress me and Denise and score with one of us...or both of us, at the same time.  Cuz you never know.  But if it weren't for the fact I was so drunk then I would've kicked his ugly lame ass out of my room.  Instead I just lay on my air mattress and laughed and laughed as he sat on my beat up used couch and sucked from the speed pipe, dropping resin covered Q-tips on my floor, under the glow of the red lightbulb overhead.  Then we all parted ways, and I go to bed, and Denise hustles Steve off to her room.  I didn't find out til the next day that Steve's ploy to impress us and score with us actually worked with Denise.  That's when Todd broke the nauseating news to me that he'd spotted her through her bedroom window giving Steve head.    For over five hours.  !  I just don't get how you would want to put some skanky speed freak's dick in your mouth after he only JUST finished telling you about all the asses he's shoved it in.   And then keep it in your mouth, off and on, for over five hours.  Maybe I'm confused.  9/6/01  
   The two most noticable side-effects of not watching television are that I'm fucking clueless about half the conversations I stumble into, and that I really fucking suck at trivial pursuit.  
  I'm six years old. We left Puerto Rico, come to Iowa so my stepfather could study to be a chiropractor. I don't know english, it's cold (snow? what the hell is snow?), and I hate it.   I go to a neighbor's house. There are kids my age in the backyard, playing in a wicked cool boat that's on a trailer. I think, hey, that looks like fun, I think I'll go play with them.   I'm trying to get in the boat. They keep screaming at me, undecipherable nonsense; I can't understand. I keep trying to get in the boat.   One of the fuckers pulls out a blue ball-peen hammer. What's that for, I wonder. The thought never entered my mind; why would it?  I hear nothing. I remember getting up from the ground, warm liquid on my face, a dull pain coming from the top of me. I run home, tears mingling with the blood, to my stepfather. Enraged, he confronts the bastard's father.   "Eh, whaddya gonna do?" he says.  Twenty years later, I can still remember exactly what that hammer looks like. And it still hurts to know that my birth father would never have stuck up for me like my dad did.  
  I used to pay a lot of attention to ethnicity and nationality.  I'd come up with cute little names for my friends based on their various mixed bloodlines. He's a McWhap (Irish-Italian) He's a Blaxican (Black and Mexican), etc.  I also used to rattle of my heritage at the slightest iquisitory remark.  Until I found out the rest of it, that is. I'm really just a mutt, a mongrel: Italian, French, German, Spanish, Chaktaw, Blackfoot, and Mexican.  Too many to name off when I'm asked, besides, who'd believe there was that much fence-hoppin' going on in my family? Niw I just say I'm Californian, that seems to satisfy most folks...  
  We were tripping our asses off when my best friend comes busting in and says, "You fuckers gotta see this....!!" So we follow him over to the 7-11 to see what the hell he's all freaked out about.   Now this was back when 7-11'1 still sold hardcore porn mags and didn't give a shit about selling beer to anyone.  So he pulls this mag off the shelf and opens it to full page pictures of a hermaphrodite. I mean full on cock and pussy. One picture shows "it" fucking itself. Wow, talk about tracers and the damn flourscent lights didn't help.  Freaked me out for awhile.....need more bong hits.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on the 5th floor balcony of my college dormitory at something like four in the morning when the coke started to wear off.  Across the courtyard the blinds were open just enough to see her sprawled on the bed quivering slightly.  She was almost completely nude and very determined as she worked toward orgasm.  I followed suit.  We climaxed at the same time and slipped, together, into unconsciousness.  
   I can well imagine  that any student of philsophy would find a paper entitled "Meaning in life from a psychological perspective" "not of the logical and organizational caliber (they) are used to."  It's practically a given. But that's just my own snobbery.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
   So, the new Wu-Tang Clan album dropped this week.    And I, for one, was thoroughly delighted to learn that, whoever it was that knocked down the World Trade Center, Ghostface Killah is after his ass.   
  I get the following type of voice mail in my second office on a regular basis:  "Uh, hello. Me 'n the wife found this funny looking spider 'bout half mile from the levee. We never seen one like this and we seen 'em all. Where you located? Can I bring it in so's you can tell me what it is? My number is..."  My office number at one time was assigned to the local Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.  
  i had bad gas one particular night and nearly flushed my girlfriend out of bed with my fumes.   i woke in the middle of the night with my insides churning.  so i carefully squeezed one out. it crept from under the covers and damn near asphyxiated me. suddenly, my girlfriend was wide awake out of a deep sleep and was feeling around on the duvee. "where are the cats?" she asked. i tried to stifle my laughter. "was that you?" she said, in disbelief. "i thought one of the cats shit the bed!" i laughed so hard i cried.  
  One of the things I do when I am worn out from looking at web porn, and I don't have anything else constructive (like watching TV) to do is to plug strange combinations of words into search engines and see what comes up.  Some recent highlights include...  quaalude and chewing tobacco  chaw food pussy flatulence goats maple tree cunnilingus with a side of bacon batman flatulence fucking fat restaurant naked flamenco outcall whores lead paint turn-on  The hit rate for interesting/surprising/disgusting sites is shockingly low, but once in a while I stumble upong something really excellent...and that's when all my hard work pays off.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I moved towards the bus to leave from my visit with her friend her boyfriend suddenly called out, "Remember, strangers have the best candy."  Nobody on that damn bus had any candy.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm a college student living in a dorm and as such, I use the showers in our floor's bathroom. The other girls and I had noticed it was starting to smell pretty bad in there, and then one day one of the drains appeared to be clogged. The janitors came and investigated. They pulled out of the drain a plastic baby doll, sans clothes, smeared with feces. We had a floor meeting that night. Somebody asked, "who the hell put that there?" We were shaking our heads in silence when this really shy girl, who's pale as milk and never talks to anybody started giggling uncontrollably. After about thirty seconds of maniacal giggling, she fled the scene. Somebody said it looked as though she had just pissed her pants.  
  Never stand in the bed of a pickup truck and pee off the back while the pickup is on the freeway.  You see, when a car or truck cuts through the air, it creates a vaccuum behind it, which in turn creates wind that will blow the piss right back in your face.  But if you do decide to engage in this moist activity, do it in a rent-a-tux after the driver's wedding.  
  I stared at the two younger kids for a good two minutes, while they glanced fearfully every once in a while at me. The sky above was cloudy, and it began to rain. The bench they were sitting on did not have a thick tree around it, and they were forced to come over and sit next to me. I kept staring at the same spot that they were once at.  "what're you staring at?" one of the kids asked. I rotated my head so that I was staring straight at him, and didn't say a word. This continued on the bus, and my dark eyes followed them even when they got off.  I wonder if they'll look back on me in the future and laugh, or just shudder. I like to think they're in therapy right now.  
  My cousin and his buddy were out driving around some logging roads in the middle of the night after a kegger.  Finally they ended up with the rig stuck in the ditch, so they left it and started to hike back toward town.  After an hour of this, with no flashlight, they heard a  whuff!    Wazzat!   one of them said.   Dunno.  Maybe a bear!  the other exclaimed.   Whuff!   Now, all of a sudden slightly less inebriated due to all the adrenaline pumped into their systems, they decide to climb a tree to escape from the  bear .  This first tree not being tall enough, they leap to a different tree and keep ascending.  After a couple hours, one of them starts to doze off and begins snoring.   You re gonna piss him off!  the other says.    Soon, day breaks, and they see the  bear , a Black Angus cow!    What s lower, spending the night in a tree because of a cow, or telling everyone what happened and living the rest of your life with the nickname  Yogi ?   
  Last night i went to this party with a bunch of old friends and this one guy sees me and runs up and hugs me.  "Oh my god" he says.  "I've missed you so much"  "Me too" I say, hugging him back enthusiastically and somewhat drunkenly.  We spend the next 4 hours talking about the city where we all were from and discussing old times and generally having a great drunk and stoned time.  Then he tells me that he's always had this crush on me but didn't want to do anything cause we now lived in different cities.  I sleep with him anyway.  He's gone when I wake up, and over morning after coffee with everyone who stayed the night, we realized that not a single one of us knew who he was.  We still don't know.  
  When i lived in Davis, CA my roommate would forget to pay the electrical bill every couple of months.  He'd then blow the money on records.  so we would have no power for 4-6 weeks at a time.  We'd still throw parties, but we'd call them "No Power Parties" bring your own *Cold* beer, candles, and some kind of instrument that required no power.    We almost set the house on fire many times.    I'm glad i don't live there anymore  
  for the past two to three weeks (roughly), there have been dishes piled quite high in my sink. this directly inhibits me making food, having a presentable apartment, or filling up my brita pitcher.  so i just eat out, don't have anyone over, and fill the pitcher up in the bathtub. fuck doin' the dishes.  
  I had never met a true idiot until the moment when the woman in the next cubicle pops her head over the wall and says, "Vietnam... thats World War Two, right?"        
  1.14.2002 Last week I email LadeeFrickingDa and ask her how things are going and bullshit.  Then I get to my question about masturbation - I was 'just curious'.  She replies a few moments later and is very frank, candid and specific about her masturbation 'needs'.  She also informs me that she has 'fuckmeat' coming over shortly.  I look at the clock, it's a little after 10pm which means it's a little after 11pm where she is.  I am thinking to myself it's a little late to have a guest come over.  I must be getting old.    I get bored with my 'real' research and notice that Skin -a- max has some soft porn on.  I look at the clock.  It's a little after midnight.  So I change my search to the old standby.  Porn on tv, porn on computer, Ladee getting laid just one state away and is going to have to masturbate anyway.  Damn where is the Kleenex.  I get an email from Ladee.  Fuck meat must be gone, she is high as a kite(she informs me of this), email is confusing as shit and fuckmeat couldn't fix her DVD player.  Some stupid movie that I have already seen is coming on Skin -a- max.  I am done porn surfing.  I look at the clock.  I guess it wouldn't have been too late to start to get busy.  It's a little after one.  Getting to work by 7am is going to be rough this morning and one out of three people had to please themselves.  Maybe the fact that I have spent a week trying to figure out which part is the "lowbrow-est" for me is, is actually the lowbrow within itself.  Hey at least I know LaDee gets the highbrow out of the whole deal.   
  Way back...  My friend and I used to walk to the Greyhound bus station from my apartment in San Antonio; the purpose being to buy me a pack of cigarettes. I didn't have a vehicle then, being very young and poor.  That was lowbrow #1. There's no way that two young women could walk in downtown San Antonio at a very late hour NOW.  Once, as we were entering the establishment, two of San Antonio's finest stopped us. They were very interested in my identification.  They thought I was a hooker.  
   My First Favourite Whisky...  ...was Drambuie. O.K., so it's a liqueur, not a whisky, but I was thirteen, so what did I know? It was sweet and tasted great. I also only had a few seconds to grab some, each time. My dad had just got a new job as Clubmaster of the Tantallion Golf Club in North Berwick, Scotland. Whoop-de-doo. Our living accommodations were somewhat ... eh ... modest. Like the back entrance to the bar was a door in our living-room. Like the fact that our only bathroom was a somewhat-opaque glass cubicle in the middle of the men's locker room. Like the fact that we only had two bedrooms, so I was set up in a closet at the top of the stairs leading into the bar. The closet was 6' x 3', so it fit a bed exactly. It was actually my favourite bedroom ever. I put up shelves and neat posters of Jules Verne stories and so on, and loved it. I dreamed of my unapproachable crush in school, and almost invented masturbation right there (a year later, I did actually invent it). Except I had to go to bed in my jammies while drunken people were walking up and down the stairs. Anyway, when nobody was around, I would regularly sneak into the bar, grab the Drambuie bottle, slug away, put it back, and run back into the living room before anyone noticed...  
  Once when I was 11 the family next door was taking a trip to Astroworld.  I was invited along.  We had a great time! It was an hour and a half drive to and from the theme park.  On the way home I polietly asked the "dad" if he could pull over someplace so I could go to the bathroom.  He refused.  Each bump he went over was agonizing.  My little legs were pressed so tightly together and I prayed that I wouldn't piss myself.  I asked again, and again he refused saying "We'll be home shortly." A few moments later I noticed that the seats were made of that criss cross viynl shit that was so popular for station wagons in the 80s.  I could clearly see the foam padding underneath.  It was then as I sang along with the radio that little by little I whizzed right there on the seat.  This took some time as I didn't want to rouse any suspicion.  A little trickle here, a little trickle a mile down the road later.  I just wanted that foamy padding to absorb all my urine.  Within the span of about 12 minutes I was done and felt relieved.  It was then that the "dad" decided "Hey everyone lets go to Burger King!".  We pulled into the restaurant and I immediatly made a detour for the restroom.  My friend followed me in.  I pretended to pee and then washed my hands.  She came out of the stall and said "The back of your dress is wet!" to which I said "Yeah, That damn Thunder River ride!" to which she said "Hahah! you really got soaked!"  I spent the next few minutes under the hand dryer, drying the urine spot on my dark blue dress. We ate and then went home.  One thing about Texas in the summer time...it's hotter than hell and so humid that it feels like you're walking through soup.  Plenty hot to seal in the stench!  The next day I awoke to a ruckus on the driveway next door.  It was there that I saw them.  All four of them.  Mother, Father, daughter and son crowded around the station wagon, rolling down the windows and flinging the doors open.  I heard the father say "What IS that awful smell????"  I smiled to myself and went back to sleep comforted in the thought that the stench of my piss was forever embedded in their vehicle thanks to the god awful summer sun. I actually remember thinking: "Enjoy my pee pee you dookie heads!"   So everytime I see a station wagon with wood paneling on the sides I have to laugh, and strangely enough I have to pee.  I have a few other pee stories, but you'll have to wait for another day.  Only one pee story per day.  I think it's the law or something.  
  I contemplated writing a personal ad today but the only criteria that showed up on the page was  -no big catholic guilt victims -no bad spellers -no drummers  and then it hit me.  I'd rather be alone.    
  The sign said  BANANAS 4 lbs./$1.00  "That's a lot of bananas," my wife said.  "Yup," I agreed.  The she said, "you'd need a pet monkey to want that many bananas."   
   Limbo Gets Married, Part II  We're getting married on short notice (no, she's not pregnant!). From Part I:  Annie's mom is a hell of a businesswoman, and takes the whole thing in stride. She marshals her troops and assigns jobs right and left. She tells me to order a wedding cake, whatever I like (I went very traditional -- four tiers, with a bride 'n groom on the top. The sarcasm went unnoticed).  She also sits me down and announces that I need to invite my family, or at least my dear old mother. Me, trying to visualize the anti-semitic old bitch at a Jewish wedding: "Eh, I'm not sure that would be a good idea..." She overrules me, immediatly grabs the 'phone and demands the number. When it rings, she asks: "What's her name?" Me: "Nettie." Annie's mom, in her best Lawn Gisland Jewish accent: "Hi, Nettie? I'm Annie's mother, and I really want you at their wedding." She listens for a minute. I know what my old mom is doing -- she's playing coy and wheedling for airfare. Annie's mom: "I'll call you back in a minute. Bye." She spends about ten seconds on the phone barking at her ticket agent, then calls my mom back: "Hi again, Nettie. Just show up at the airport and the tickets will be waiting for you." Suckered. The great day arrives, and so do hundreds of people, evenly split between Jews and Japanese (Annie's mom works for Nikon). My racist bigot mom was ready for the Jews, but the Japanese take her by surprise and she just pretends she can't understand them. She gets tiddly immediately (no doubt to wash away the bad taste of having to deal with subhumans), and walks around wishing everyone Happy New Year. She's the hit of the party, as usual, the old bitch. The Jews thank her profusely for having gone to the trouble of researching the Jewish religion. My mom shrugs her shoulders, grabs another whisky, and wallows off to wish someone else Happy New Year. Lucky old bitch -- she had no idea that Rosh-Hashana (the Jewish New Year) had just happened a few days previously.  
  Right now, I'm slumped back in my chair, and I was really comfortable just laying back and reading Lowbrow.  Then I realized I really, really need to pee.  As in really bad.  But instead, I decided to type a moment about this.  I couldn't gather the motivation to walk to the bathroom.  Now I'm still slumped back, but my legs are tightly crossed.  I can last a little longer.  Hopefully my bladder won't burst.    
  Sometimes I think it'd be cool to shove a pipe cleaner up my penis just so I could bend it in strange directions.  Most of the time I think that'd be really stupid.  
  So I come home from work and walk into my bedroom where the girl I had slept with the night before has cleaned up.   For some reason im struck by the fact that she has moved my two pillows which are normally one on top of the other and are now side by side.  why would I notice that?    
  Way back when, in my college and army days, I had a pretty good alchohol tolerance. For someone weighing in at 120, anyway.  And I never, ever got hangovers.    Then I got married, got pregnant and had to give up drinking.  And never got back in the habit- cause it's so bloody hard to get out of the house when you have a small kid and a husband who travels and is phobic about babysitters.  So, now, 5 years later, I'm single again, and have some time w/out the kid.  And for the first time in years I got together w/ a friend and downed a couple of margaritas. I ended up sick as a dog the next day and having to go home from work.  So what happened? Did I way overestimate my innate ability to cope (hey, I'm half German, and English/Irish. It ought to be inbred.) Did I get old?   My sister tells me I'm probably too healthy.  Apparently if you eat a reasonably balanced diet and lay off the booze, your body decides not to tolerate it at all anymore.  What the hell kind of incentive is that?          
  So when I was a freshman in high school, my rich kid buddy got a car at 15. Not a nice car even though his mom had a new 450SL and his dad drove a Caddy, but a piece of shit dodge dart with a slant six and 200,000 miles already on the clock.  His Dad said that when he killed that car, he'd buy him a new Mustang GT.  Easy enough, we figured, so we headed out to the edge of town to the mall armed only with a brick.  We parked in the parking lot away from all the other cars. When the coast was clear, I talked him into starting the car and we set the brick down on the accelerator.  Holy mother did you ever hear so much racket! The car sat there totally floored and redlined while we stood 50 feet away screaming to each other about what color Mustang he should get.   Only thing is it didn't blow up.  After about 5 minutes we got freaked out and cautiously approached the car. It was still roaring this strange caucaphony of noise and racket till we knocked the brick off the pedal.  We got back into the car and drove off in defeat.  He drove that car for almost 6 months before a drunk driver hit him. We were truly sorry to see the car go.    
  i think to myself that this might be a valid, equal, perfect equilateral triangle, as she caresses my ear and i run my fingers over his knee and he stares at her from purgatory with eyes like heaven.  
  The Value Center is a massive over priced thrift store in Vallejo, CA. I frequent.  I love this sign they have before the register that reads: Customers requesting a discount or any special deal will be asked to leave and banned from shopping here in the future. Rules for life people.   
  Fury440III: that was quite an interesting night, good thing I don't remember most of it digi0xFF: i've said that about 3 times in my life digi0xFF: usually i'm angry Fury440III: followed by "Eric, what the hell did you people do to me last night?" digi0xFF: do you remember you saying "your arm... you should see your back" Fury440III: Shaub said that, I was really hoping you'd never notice your back Fury440III: we all were Fury440III: though I had essentially nothing to do with the dragging digi0xFF: it was noticed digi0xFF: i dont remember the dragging Fury440III: there was a lot of it digi0xFF: i remember the hot tub and then the bathtub Fury440III: I remember you going outside to piss and never coming back Fury440III: wet, in your underwear, on a  cold mountain Fury440III: lying in the gravel    digi0xFF: that was fucking cold digi0xFF: real cold digi0xFF: i was not happy to awake in a 2 inch puddle of freezing water Fury440III: yeah, thats why I slept on a couch and not in a tub of water digi0xFF: i wasn't given that choice Fury440III: well, if you hadn't taken that nap in the driveway you might have had more options digi0xFF: this is a good point digi0xFF: it was the hottub that did it digi0xFF: cos i wasn't that drunk Fury440III: and I never figured out how your shoe got in the wood pile digi0xFF: nobody has digi0xFF: only i know digi0xFF: and i dont know digi0xFF: i'm just glad we found it Fury440III: you didn't even have them on when you went outside digi0xFF: i'm pretty slick digi0xFF: to get my shoe up there all alone Fury440III: too bad you weren't slick enough to get inside before passing out digi0xFF: that's asking a little too much Fury440III: or to hold your head up by yourself when Raji let it go digi0xFF: on the porch? Fury440III: half way up the stairs to the porch Fury440III: Raji needed to rest from dragging you  digi0xFF: my body hasn't been the same since that night      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Remember "Space Food Sticks"?  I truly thought I'd get to space if I ate enough of them.  Drank Tang too.  Now I'm just a fat old man whose ass smells like a cosmic port-a-john.  
   I stopped at the store, and bought a 12 pack of old milwakee beer. I left the store turned down an alley, and found an old junkyard. I sat in the junkyard, and drank 10 beers. I got up wobbled down the alley, and entered a trailer park. I felt sick and threw up in front of someones trailer. A ugly  women who had curlers in her hair, and was smoking a cigarette, came out of the trailer, and screamed at me. I went to an old mans wino tavern and was refused service. They said I was too drunk. I left stepping over an indian who was passed out on the floor. I went home, and ate a jar of cheese whiz. I threw up again. This is a true story.       
  I worked at the same fast food place on two different occasions, for about 3-4 months each time.  I made Employee of the Month twice.  I [b]OWN[/b], motherfuckers.  
  Another of my favorite "old people are rude" moments was when I was at the mall this time.  I'm walking down the aisle, which was one of those wide one's in Macy's.  I'm all the way on the right as two old ladies walk towards me.  They're gabbing as old ladies at the mall like to do.  There's plenty of room for them to push over so we can all proceed on our merry way...  Instead, they just keep walking until one bumps into me and forces me into a rack of clothes.  I stop and turn around.  They just keep walking.  I yell "Ummm, EXCUSE you?".  They looked but just kept walking.  I wish it was socially acceptable for a huge, young guy to sucker punch old ladies from behind...  
  I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years and since the begining when she made me mad I would just let my feelings run in my head, thoughts like "Fuck You Bitch" or any other mixture of things that would probably maker her cry. Now I figured this was the nice thing to do rather than saying them out loud but I noticed a couple months ago my mouth started moving when I was thinking them and even more recently she pissed me off and I blurted "Fuck. . ." fortunately I stopped my self in time to adjust the end from ". . .you bitch" to ". . .I forgot my keys at work" So here I am sitting at my desk secretly being pissed off at my girlfriend.   
  "I like laundrymats because each one is unique. Sometimes there are these cool guys there- I think they're on bowling teams."        
  An old girlfriend of mine used to drool in her sleep.  She would soak the whole goddamn pillow if not awoken.  Whenever she slept really close to me and had her head at an angle, it would soak the side of my shirt (or bare chest in the summer) given enough time.  It really turned me on.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ever stop to think... and forget to start again?  
  So here I was, picking my nose and reading lowbrow. So the crusty booger falls into the keyboard and I look at it for a while. In defense, my keyboard is already really sticky, and I did not need more junk stuck in there. So I decide I need to get it out.  There was only one way.  I sucked it out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the fastest kid on the swim team had to quit because he got busted by his dad when he cracked his dads safe and stole his dope  
  I knew this guy, Russell, how lives in the eastern most part of Maine. Once, Russell went to the local bar as he had a tendency to do. He and another patron got in to a huge fight and headed in to the street to settle it. The method? Roeshambo contest. Since both men are construction workers, they each had on a pair of steel toe boots. Each took two kicks. Both walked away. Russell pissed blood for a week but didn't bother to go to a doctors office because "doctors don't know nothing about nothin". I haven't seen Russell in a while. He very well could be dead. Poor Russell.  
  I was at the movies and overheard two obese women talking behind me:     "There is not enough butter in this popcorn"   "Yeah, I like it when it is all buttery in the inside"   "Yeah, like when it is crunchy, but then buttery"  "Yeah..."    They resume eating it and before the previews even stop one fatty goes to the candy bar and comes back stocked up with another Xlarge fucking family sized bucket of popcorn and other numerous goodies.   "Did ya ask for extra butter?"  "Uh huh"  "Good, good I like it buttery"....  
  The sibling idiots #1  So me (female) and my brother get this gokart frame. He decides to buy a riding lawnmower motor to put on it for shits and giggles. Instead of paying for it, it gets stolen from someone in the neighborhood.   So, the motor is strapped on and running with the wheels going faster than they should have ever thought possible. I get on, and instead of watching what's in front of me, start zooming around the backyard, and almost take my head off going under the trampoline.  Next off is the zigzag line of trees in the corner of the yard we used as an obstical course. I shoot through them, go to take the right hand turn just as I would have plowed through the fence and out through the tree beyond it into the street. I go to make the astounding turn, and there is the biggest damned pothole you could ever see in someone's yard.   The fact that I had to be the only female there, and the only one to flip the fucking gokart through the fence has to be one of my funniest moments. (At this very moment that is). I shall return with more dumbass stories of that time of ignorance.  
  My sister got out of a car and someone had left a double cupped cup of coffee. She knocked it over with her foot and some spilled all over the parking lot. I got out and came around, and seeing the two cups on the floor, kicked the one with the top on it. Turns out it was almost entirely full. And pretty heavy. The angle my foot hit it at sent a jet of lukewarm coffee straight up into my face.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm leaning toward a forgetful delirium right now.  Who wants to dwell on shit.   
  My first date with my dream girl in high school.   I take her out to dinner at some joint and to my utter horror, I uncontrollably order clam chowder and cottage cheese.   I am an idiot.        
  One time I was waiting for a bus, and this older women with a load of shopping walked right in front of me, it was winter and she slipped on some ice I guess.  I didn't help, I just stood and watched whilst she picked herself up and carried on her way.  I thought it was my good deed of the year...  I mean I didn't laugh in her face.  
        One time at BWI, I had really bad gas from drinking too much Bud, and I kept cleching my cheeks to soften the blows. It didn't help. The gas just kept on building. As I was waiting to go through the metal detrector, I let one slip. I knew I was in serious trouble when I felt warm stuff run down my leg.  
  my parents call my little brother there  "little suprise" there puting a good spin on the condom brakeing. i call him  the "little mistake"  
  I tried to eat a sponge once.  
  My dad was talking to me about how addicting heroin is and he hoped that i would never do illegal drugs.  Telling my dad that i personally think crack is way more addictive than heroin wasnt the correct way to handle that situation.  
  My first wet dream.  I was making love to a huge flower blossom on a tree - bees all around waiting their turn. I look up at the tree's face, and it was Angela Lansbury.  At that moment, I woke up and felt the sticky warmth below. I had become a man.  
     At 15-16, I took a shit on a couch in the Alumni Hall portion of the dorm I was in. I got kicked-out.     
  The year after I graduated from High School a friend of mine, who was currently in his last year at said school, had learned how to break in. They would climb on the roof and enter through a perpetually opened trapdoor. Once inside they knew where the motion sensors were and where to put the duct tape. They would wander about for an hour or so and then leave.  Well, one night they decided to take a trophy. They took a wire saw and cut the head off of the plaster statue of Abraham Lincoln, threw it in a backpack and left.  The next day, the school was in an uproar. The principal was pissed, the students were awestruck and the civics teacher was declaring it an attack on our pride as a school. My friend hid the head for a good two weeks, the bounty on his head ever increasing.   About two weeks later they broke back into the school and placed the head very carefully in the Library's display case. I must admit Lincoln had never looked better. That bright red lipstick was a perfect compliment to his pale while skin.  So the head was bolted back onto the statue, things calmed down, and my friend graduated and went on to college in New York. He never was caught.   Glory is Eternal.  
  met a man on the bus once who had a bag full of thosee peephole lenses that are on doors , he told me a story how he and his buddy spent all night unscrewing these things and how proud of themselfs they were.  by comparison I had accomplished less the same night they made thier score  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Pick 'n pull sounds like an incredibly filthy habit, but it's not.  It's a salvage yard.  in oakland.  I've been there.  disappointed that it couldn't have been a diner.  
  me: now that i get my daughter on the weekends, what do you want her to call you? dad: what the hell was that wizard on lord of the rings? me: gandalf? dad: yeah, have her call me GRANdalf.  
  Me: Really. Last night was great. I don't normally do that kind of thing. It was awesome. Her: Me niether. You were great. See if you can get away from your wife on the weekend ;-) Me: I don't want there to be weirdness with your husband. Her: That's okay. He got his, too. lol Me: I'm just normally into the whole One-Night-Stand thing. It's got to be somebody I know and trust a little, you know? Her: I know what you mean. Me: There's just you and like one other chick, and I don't know her well enough yet. Her: Thanks. That's nice to know. Me: I mean, I've seen her naked and slobbered all over her tits, but I was REALLY drunk. Her: LMAO Me: That was lowbrow, wasn't it? Her: Indeed it was. Me: Really. She was naked on my lap...  AIM doesn't keep records, right? This could never be used against me...  
  She twirled her finger through my long hair: "That s my *other* weakness; I can t tell you what the first one is   It would be dangerous.  You know what I mean   *Yes* you do."  People keep tying to tell me something, but I think they re all speaking in code.  
  Lowbrow: jacking off to internet erotica in the living room, and considering locking the door, when your younger brother comes in.  Obvious: Jerking towards the computer in your rush to hide your dick.  Painful: waiting for him to leave.  Enraging: when he decides to read his book right in there, on the couch.  
  ok so hes disabled and was hit by a drunk at the age of virgin eighteen bitter as i would be in his shoes he cant walk cant use his hands has been in a wheelchair since he got outta the hospital but asking me if i would be so kind to help him on and off my wife  basically help him rape my wife at a wedding still makes me want to punch the bastard in the mouth        
  I was visiting a friend's dorm randomly.  There was an odd sheet of paper taped to the side of her roomie's desk.  I moved in for a closer look.  "Hey, I know some of those names...why are there checkmarks  nex-"  "Don't look at that!!!"  Apparently people put the the men's hockey team roster up complete with checked off "killcount" and I'm supposed to know not to check it out.  
  mixed fruit jelly is the lips and assholes of the jam world..  
  I decided to test out this "pheromone" thing i.e.,chemicals that attract the opposite sex so I applied some of my mid-cycle vaginal secretions to my ears, wrists etc. and left it on all day: absolutely NOTHING to remark on.  
  met them on the internet. drove up to their house. She was gorgeous but he was kinda odd, deafened from a mortar blast in vietnam and obvious she was a mail order bride. They gave me wine and caviar and I was so nervous I went to the bathroom and flipped through her dirty magazines for awhile. "I am going to sleep with a strange woman!" I thought, drunkenly. I have never done anything like this before.  "How long have you liked women?" she asks. "Don't know if I do." I answer. We sit down to watch porn and my hand is on her knee...then on her thigh...then we are kissing, and making out... I eat her. She eats me. I've never done anything like this before. We fucked in the den. We fucked in the jacuzzi. We fucked all night long. The husband masturbated when he watched us, and joined in withthe petting but nothing more. It was me and her until the sun came up. And, as I left they offered me two hundred dollars.  AND I DIDN'T TAKE IT.  WHAT AN ASSHOLE I AM  
  I spilled goo into my underpants, so I a borrowed a pair of my girlfriends silky blue underpants to wear home.  Why make them silky when your pants slide down your ass if you bend over?  
  I am the perfect guy, except that I have an generally unattractive body and I fall in love with lesbians and crazy ladies, exclusively.  
  I hung a root  in her poop shoot  Both of her eyes bugged out  It went so deep it made her weep   And she began to shout "Pull it out!"  
  Duggles Coleman is so funny. He always sets 300 goals for himself but finishes none.  Man, that Duggles.  I wish I could stick a giant broom up his ass.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          Quick Thinking #38  The first time I visited Ithaca, I stayed with a married couple that were friends of a friend. We struck it off really well and became friends for years. The woman was skinny and gorgeous, in the off-brand kind of way that I love, with no makeup, hairy armpits, and unkempt hair. The next morning, they left for school or work, and I dove into her laundry hamper. When they came home, she said: "Eh, were you in our room today? I just vacuumed this morning, and I just now noticed footprints..." Gulp. Me: "Yes, I spotted a mouse, and I was chasing it." She: "Damn! Are they back again?" Five years later, she visits me at my group house in Boston. One of my roommates* is away, and offered her his room, asshole! I needn't have worried. Shortly after I go to bed, my door opens, and she slips into bed with me,  yes!  Before she wraps her skinny body around me, she warns: "I'm married. No sex -- just snuggling."  Damn!  But it was delicious, all the same...  -------------- *for non-Americans, I should explain that "roommate" means "apartment-mate" -- you don't actually share a room, usually.  
  OldLove No.3  We kissed for the first time in the street in front of my cheap hotel in Chelsea. The foot traffic glanced at these two old fucks making out in the street on a mild sumer's day in NY. Something was...happening, so we tried to make it up to my room and play out the string. Unfortunately, the hotel is run by lay Catholics and the rules forbade "unregistered persons" accompanying guests to the rooms.  We made up for it later.  
   Soup Kitchens Can Be Fun, And Much More  I get talked into volunteering at a soup kitchen in Ithaca. I'm very dubious about it, but I go anyway. It's a complete  ball!  Insane place. We arrive at 3pm, and look at whatever it is the town supermarkets have dumped on us this time. We have three hours to come up with a dinner menu and serve it to 150 people. The kitchen is tiny. There's a Cornell professor there, and we hit it off immediately. He and I run the show and tell the Cornell co-ed volunteers what to do. Yes, you read me correctly: two guys in a tiny kitchen with twenty giggly co-eds. Kinda like raises your volunteering spirit, doesn't it guys? (Or at least raises  something , hopefully.) Body contact is inevitable, and constant, unfortunately :-) Sometimes we have to change the menu in the middle, like when we got 75lb of lamb, decided to make Greek Lamb Stew, and when we realized we didn't have time to get the bones out, we rewrote it as "Rustic Greek Lamb Stew."  (Fuck this -- WHERE'S the LowBrow? Coming up...)  One day I assign two very cute giggly roommates to cut up 50 onions. Half an hour later I need the onions so I glance over. They're still on the first one, treating it like a frog dissection. I walk over with my scary 10" chef's knife: "Can I show you?" They nod gratefully. I grab a fresh onion, skin it and cut it up in about 15 seconds. They, in unison: "Wow!" I do it again, explaining the technique. I loan them my knife  (and now you should know I'm on the make, because NOBODY gets near my knives) . They: "Could we have you come over and make us dinner?" They're half-joking, but half is all I've ever needed. Me: "That sounds fun! Let's set a day. Be warned, though, I don't make desserts, so you girls will have to fill that role." They giggle with delight. Days later, I discover that they thought I'd meant that they should  make  dessert, rather than actually  be  dessert. We got over that misunderstanding quickly, though...  
  just another reason  i m at a party i didn  t want to go to in the first place ah social obligations where s the social lubricant aka burbon anyway this drunk is saying that he used to go out with the woman i supposedly loved he is telling me he warned me he warned me questionmark he got used by her after saying he loved her and then became a drunk i was a drunk before all of that he reached down to the coffee table and grabbed a bud can and took a swill after stating how much better i would have been if i had just listened glugglugglug cough cough spitting two cigarette butts out he turned green and hurled i knew he was drinking an ash can when he picked it up i thought how much better off he would be if i had even considered telling him and thus just another karmic reason i ll be driving the bus  you know to hell  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)             Hey, he said, I talked to her and she like said she'd rather go out with a writhing ball of intestinal worms than your brother. I smirked; she was mine.    
  My aunt save all her junk mail.  Then with all the postage-paid return envelopes she sends different junk mail back to the people who sent her junk mail in the first place.  I find that amusing.  
   Even More Limbo Name-Dropping  I used to know Bruce Lee. I really did. He worked in the cubicle next to me, in Boston Chinatown.  (O.K. - so once again you've figgered out it's just some guy with the same name. Ain't you smart! Funny thing is that my actual name is also accidently famous, in a minor way, so our paired cubicles were a real source of amusement throughout the company.)  Even though he was from Hong Kong, I asked him to unravel the mysteries of the many local Chinese restaurants that didn't exactly seem to  cater  to a Western clientele. Bruce: "Oh, that's easy! Just ignore the menu they hand you!" He took me out to "the best restaurant in Chinatown." I'm glad he told me in advance, because it seemed like all the others: time-honoured Formica tabletops and wobbly chairs. Waiter threw menus at us. Bruce threw them back, and started barking away. Waiter scribbled frantically, bowed, and retreated backwards, still bowing. Bruce: "Trust me, little grasshopper..." Main courses were a long time coming, but the soup wasn't. A complete culinary education in a soup bowl. I realized I was in heaven, but then the main dishes arrived. Me: "???" Bruce: "Just eat." The only coherent thought I had, other than "Mmmmmmmm," was: Why don't they trust Westerners with this amazing stuff?" We only had an hour, but I bloody well bowed to Bruce all the way back to our cubicles. I got my revenge, though. I took him to my favourite Thai hole-in-the-wall and blew out his taste-buds for a week...  
  i can do the most amazing magic trick:  if i shove 3 quarters, 5 dimes, 6 nickels, and 5 pennies up my ass and you call out a denomination of change -  i can pop out the exact number in change from my ass  talent baby  i do barmitzvah's and weddings and definitly young birthday parties    
     Brian was soaking wet from all the rain, and asked if he could use my shower to warm up. I oblidged. After the water started running, I donned a big yellow raincoat with matching hat.(Think Capt. Gordon, the fish sticks guy.)      I then picked the lock, walked into the shower with him, stood there for about a minute, my vinyl clad 6'4" body blocking ALL of the water from him. Then left without a word.   
   Flying Before 9/11 (the old, innocent days)  1981, in a 747, flying back to America for the first time, the captain walks down the aisles, chatting with passengers. He stops at my seat, and we get into a real conversation. I mention that I was in the Royal Air Force Cadets when I was a teenager. Captain: "Hey, do you want to come up to the cabin?"  (Cute girl: "Do you want to sleep with me?")  In the cabin: "Would you like to sit in the driving seat? We're not actually flying it at the moment, so there's nothing to do."  (Cute girl: "Would you like to come inside me?")  So I sat in the driving seat of a fully-loaded 747 for half an hour, while the captain explained all the controls and gauges. The co-pilot turned the automatic pilot off. I thought they were actually going to let me  fly  the fucking thing, but the captain said: "We're starting our descent now -- you should probably go back to your seat." Me: "Couldn't I sit in the jump seat?" (Spare seat in the cabin for travelling airline staff.) Captain: "Sure - buckle in and watch us land this baby."  
  Just before I quit my horrid little mall job that I'd suffered for only two weeks, I pulled the girl reputed to have the biggest mouth aside and whispered to her "in strictest confidence" that I was really from the main headquarters, sort of like a secret shopper, checking out training procedures and managerial techniques.  A couple days after I quit, I was driving home really really late from a club and saw the manager's car in the parking lot.  Fear of the main office... that's gotta be a motivator from hell.  
  I was really pumped when tjay told me that the website we run (www.lowbrow.com) was name-dropped in the New York Times.   I was so stoked that I immediately left work and combed Market Street looking for a couple of copies.   They did not even print the URL in bold face.   What a gyp.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;             
  A Poem from the workplace Here I sit bored and down fuck this place I work for clowns one of these days you'll all regret the day I went berserk and picked up my computer monitor and fucking threw it against the fucking wall and when you all look to see what all the fucking noise was I started tossing office supplies in your direction with deadly fucking velocity then the guys will all try to calm me fucking down or tackle me or something but I will conquer all opposition in my search for the destruction of this plague upon mankind that forks a paycheck over to me every week in exchange for my soul.  The End   
  one summer, i probably was 5 at the time, i was riding my bigwheel around. i had decided that i was gonna go visit my grandparents, so i headed down the hill. my best friend lived at the bottom of our hill, and his mom was doing something in the yard. on my way by i'm like 'hi'. she asked 'hey, what are you up to?' i said 'i'm going to visit my gram and pap davis'. she's says 'that sounds nice. hey, you want some cookies?' i thought 'woo-hoo,' so i go into her house and eat cookies. a little bit later my mom comes down to retrieve me.  turns out the bitch ratted me out to my mom.  then again, it was probably for the best. my grandparents lived 15 miles away. i mean i was pissed at first, but, hey, i got cookies out of the deal.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one day my dad said to me, "hey neil, lets go fishing!"  since my name is jacob, i ignored the senile bastard        
  i took a pseudopersonality test and it said i was bugs bunny so i guess when i finally wind up at a court ordered shrink it ll be a double entendre when i say whats up doc maybe i ll bring a carrot        
  When my girlfriend told me she was on her period, I said "Oh boy, blow job week". She wasn't impressed....not in the least.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking down a small side street going back to my car from work, I notice, as I pass a catering place, a bunch of breakfast sausages strewn on the ground. The first thought that popped into my head wasn't "Digusting. What a waste of food."   It was, "I wonder if these would still be good if they were reheated." Then added, "If I was a street person that is."  
  Not my moment, but definately a friends.  Party at my place.  I live in the mountains and I have a pretty good view.  He really has to piss, so another one of my friends tells him to piss off one of my big rocks.  "You'll feel like the king of the world."  He jumps to the first rock, then jumps to the second rock.  Pisses, feels great, finishes up, then steps right onto the bush that lines up almost perfectly with the two rocks he has just jumped between.  *Aaaaaaahh.  Thud."  Crawls out of the 6 foot drop he just subjected himself to, and acted like nothing happened.  Now there's a hollow cylinder in my bush looking straight through to the ground.  Classic.    
  I read a newspaper from Manila today.  It was used as packing in the new bag I bought from Kmart.         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She's absolutely fascinated with penises.   I can understand someone's fascination when they've only seen them in pictures and never actually seen one in the wild.              
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Stomach pains for weeks.  Went down anyway.  Boom.  That was the end of Katie's trapped gas.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I worked as a Residency Assistant at at hospital in Chicago for 8 months.  It was the worst thing I've ever experienced.  My day = got up at 6, showered, took two trains, sat in front of computer for 8 hours, took two trains, rented porn, got naked, jerked off, played video games, cried, slept.  Repeat.  I started calling phone sex lines just to talk to someone.  I didn't have a computer at home.  I thought that I'd die during those eight months.  I didn't.  Now I have a beautiful girlfriend and a pretty good job with a fun social life.  A lot less porn though.  Damn.        
  sleeping with two, one ex, one new, unbeknownst to either.  both use a different/specific brand of condom, which they have both so sweetly stocked my drawers with (pun very much intended).  make sure you hand off the right brand to the right man.  bruised ego is one hell of a mood killer.            
  I came home and found my boyfriend doing my best friend.....That night I went out to the place I knew my EX would be....I had revenge sex on my mind. I spotted this guy within 3 minutes of entering the club,DAMN he was hot...I was gonna "use and abuse" him..and kick him to the curb. Did I mention this was 12 years ago and we now have 2 beautiful children?  Funny how life takes a turn...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         this guy who gets drunk as hell and passes out everytime we throw a party, passed out on the couch.  we took off his pants, and put a condom on a pencil and inserted it into his asshole, removed the penicl and left the condom in place.  to wake him up we heated up a hot dog rubbed it on his lips, sprayed some warm floury water all over his face and then i stood there with my pants down dick in hand.   he was pissed - then he felt for the condom and screamed.   he doesnt party with us anymore.  oh well his ass was tight.      
  sometimes i think he's masturbating in the bed next to me when he thinks i'm asleep.  whether or not i'm imagining it, it both turns me on and makes me terrifically depressed.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          It was an incidental reunion of the only people that were really "family" to me growing up. I'd seen each of them maybe once in the past three years.   The feral loner, the sailor, the dealer, the nihilistic little brother.   Four guys hiding in a bathroom trying to do lines while one holds the door closed against the violently pissed girlfriend outside.  
  Sitting at dinner with my American fianc&eacute;e and her family. I soon realize that they don't actually do regular dinner conversation. What they do is a well-honed tradition of verbal sparring and punning. The rules are not at all obvious, but they're having lots of obscure fun, so I sit silent and just observe. The enormous family cat, Alfie, jumps up on the dinner table. Five voices in practiced unison: "Oh gosh, he's never done THAT before!" The father (LowBrow keyword: " You've been fucking my daughter, you longhaired hippy! ") feeds Alfie some cheese, and asks if having a cat on the table bothers me. He's setting me up for something, but I can't see what it is. I probably shouldn't answer. Me: "Not at all. It's really helpful that you feed him cheese. Now he can go after mice with baited breath." Stunned silence. Not only have I cracked the code in about 1/2 hour, but I've topped them all. The father gets up, whispers to my fianc&eacute;e, listens carefully to her whispered response, grabs his keys and leaves. She beams across at me. Daddy brings me back a case of Guinness. Aah, it's nice to be accepted into the bosom of a family...  
        why is it that i have sexual fantasies nearly all day long at work about every woman or girl i've ever met, usually to the point of a full erection and sometimes gently massaging my penis under my desk, then go home to my sexy-as-hell girlfriend at 4 o'clock in the goddamn afternoon and can't muster up the strength to fuck the living piss and shit out of her?  
  We were sitting at a table, discussing the Griffin and Sabine Trilogy. "It's such an interesting set of books, that trilogy," one of my friends said.  Then someone spoke up.  "That's the one with three books, right?"        
  The sinks in the mens' room at work have pumps sticking out of the sink surface to dispense soap. I've drawn the following conclusions from counting how many squirts of soap people use while washing their hands:  0-1: Faking it 2: Normal wash 3: Pissed on your hand at the urnial 5: Shit on your hand.  Oddly enough, people never seem to use only 4.  
  A friend of mine used to go into a Mongolian BBQ all-you-can-eat shithole in central Florida with a backpack that was lined with a huge ziplock bag.  When none of the employees were looking, he would dump the whole tray of spare ribs into his backpack and walk out.    What a scumbag.   
  I'm sitting here naked, about to go to bed, marvelling at how long my pubic hair has gotten.  Think it's time to trim again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In Mexico, drinking a beer he bought himself, smoking a cigarette inside a bar, and expecting sex later in the evening, the 18 year old that he was in frikking heaven.   Too bad his Mormon mother flipped out when he got home.  
  I've lived around here a while but still haven't made the trip to the historical part of town. Lousy parking and lots of walking involved.  Now, though, I have to go, because one of my friends said she was in one of the myriad tiny Asian markets and right in between the dish detergent and the odd minature bananas was a porn section, featuring a video called "Asshole Moods".  Culture is where you find it.   
  she loves my kitten  when she was gone, i took the kitten into her room and cuddled with it on her bed  her new boyfriend, she has told me, is very allergic to cats.        
  I just shaved my crotch....scariest experience of my life.  
  i pulled the van off of the freeway to the truck stop.  no one knew what was to be my prize,  the jesus fingernail clippers.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         For the last three days now I've been sitting at my desk with the door closed and reloading lowbrow. For 8 hours a day.   I remember months ago thinking it was funny that since no one directly supervises me and all I do is file old papers, I could get away with doing nothing for months. Then I tested the theory and found it was true. After a few weeks I no longer found it funny.  The weird thing is I get this real feeling of personal satisfaction when I finish looking at all my favorite web sites. I must remember that this isn't really my job.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Poking fun at my step-mother, Round 2: My best friend and I roomed in college.  We shared an apartment.  He had just come back this semester after being hit by a car- real mess.  For some reason, while he was out, my step-mom thought he would like a little nurse doll.  No- not an inflateable one.  Like a doll you would give a little girl.  Kinda strange to give that to a 20 year old college guy. So, when we moved into the apartment, he hung it from the ceiling by it's neck and had splattered it with some red paint(did I mention we were art majors?). It hung there for so long, we sorta forgot about it.  Then my dad and step-mother came down for a visit one weekend.  She saw it and exclaimed, "Isn't that the doll I gave you when you were in the hospital?!" Nothing but nervous, red-faced giggles from us.  
  last night, while chillin in our DIY hot tub (made from cardboard, duct tape, and PVC... and heated by a couple of coffeemakers...), we felt that the water was a little cold.  we ran a hose from the kitchen into the basement, where the hot tub was.  while waiting for our friend upstairs to turn the water on, we passed the hose around, and each person had to put the end of the hose to their lips.  the idea was that someone would get a bunch of scalding hot water in the face.  we called it the "hookah of death"  that's also the first night we tried out "Bongzilla"    
  Something tells me that this world will not get any better.  The proof can be seen in the astounding rise of mullets in the general population.  I, for one, will not stand for this much longer.  
  in the car, as I found myself trying to make up with her.    i felt bad about sleeping with an old girlfriend.  it would never happen again.    we made up and had wicked makeup sex in the extra room at her parent's house.  headboard banging the wall adjoining their room.  bed scraping across the wooden floor.    it was awesome.    then i called her up the next day and dumped her again.     
  Do you suppose that if Prince Charles had sex with his own clone, that he would be fucking himself royally?  
  he said  i hadn t spoken to him in a while because the last time he called me she walked up behind him while he was on the phone yanked the phone outta the wall then his hands and hucked the whole thing at him he may be an asshole to her but jese she coulda hurt him huh        
  I was talking with my friend about 3 months ago, and he was talking about how oblivious his ex girlfriend was.   While they were driving around in Detroit, through her old neighborhood she saw a girl on the corner, and said "that poor girl, she's been standing there for years, and has never gotten a ride."  My friend turned to her and said "CYNTHIA! THAT'S A WHORE!"  
  he told me the conversation they'd had when i'd gotten up to get cash to take a cab home. "you seem kinda bummed, are you ok?" "are you fucking her?" "would it bum you out if i was?" he said at that point i came back to the table. it's disheartening to know that my relationships with otherwise cool people are completely dependant on who i am or am not 'fucking'. and i know it took longer than three lines of conversation for the cash machine to give me my money.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Update: I'm a writer. I used the brow for inspiration.  And yes, now I can honestly claim that the brow got me into grad school. ~puck~  
  I had a wickedly erotic sexual fantasy about Daniel Day-Lewis.    But not about the sensitive-masculine "I will find you!" Daniel Day-Lewis from Last of the Mohicans.  No, I fantisized about getting fucked from behind by Bill the Butcher while he slowly carved his initials in my back with a straight razor.  God, I love being a twisted slut.  
  never de-solider circuit boards in the nude ... sitting cross legged.  ouch  
  After a whole year of partying at college I was so broke, that in oder to eat my roomates and I researched and exploited the "cocktail circuit" of bars and lounges laying out buffets for their happy hour guests. I would buy a drink only if the stares from the manager/owner were too intense. I can't say I ate like a king, but I was fully fed seven out of seven days. There is no denying I was the consumate sponge.  
  my relationship with my girlfriend is parasitic  i'm the host and she's the filthy bloodsucker that lives off of me  it's only fitting she cheated on me and gave me crabs.   
  I was pretty drunk, taking a piss in my bathroom.  It was clear (because of all the drinking).  Then I got a thought.  I knew I would never have the urge to do it again, only in this drunken state would I have the courage.  So I did it.  And I was right.  I have never since then had the urge to put my finger in my own urine stream.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         really someone cruises lowbrow snarfing  email addresses so they can send you jesus mail about how to save your soul really kinda apropos  you know low  
  on our third date my now-husband told me what he liked about me:  "i bragged to all my friends that i found a girl that likes sex and does drugs. i'm so lucky."  ah, sweet romance.  
  When I'm home for the winter break from school, I accidentally discover the pornography that's been saved on my computer. Some of it is gay, and some is straight. I wonder which videos belongs to my brother, and which ones belong to my dad.  
  "Have you decided on something?" she asked looking at the menu he wastapping on the counter.  "Give me a Sierra."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  True story: my this girl I know once fucked five guys in one weekend.  She doesn't drink anymore.  
  Back in college I had some friends that were in a fraternity. One morning they delivered 3 dozen doughnuts to their sister sore-titty. The girls thought that was so nice.  They dropped of the pictures of the entire frat house "wearing" the doughnuts the next day.  
  There is a commercial about stealing satellite signals and how it's wrong. Before I saw this commercial I had never thought about stealing satellite. Now I'm currently enjoying 250 free channels.  That commercial seems pretty counterproductive.  
  my uncle claimed to be a world war two recreationist. he wasnt.  he ran a hardware store.  but he didnt let that stop him from trying to invade france.  
  "A heads up penny is still lucky even if sitting between two pieces of dogshit" I thought. I picked up the penny, and got said dogshit on my hand in the process.   I have since revised my thoughts on lucky pennies.  
  Seven shots of tequila and most of a bottle of the good champagne into a Saturday night I climbed out on the window ledge below the loft. Two shots later I was having second thoughts. But as my friend pointed out, Neal had done it and Joe had done it. Of course, I still probably would not have jumped had the friend not gathered a crowd of a dozen or so friends.   Here goes. One ... two ... fuck me, three!   I shoot straight down on the couch. I fold in half like an accordian and my knees plow into my jaw, driving my lower teeth THROUGH my chin and my upper teeth an inch or so deep into my lower lip.   The scar on my chin may never heal, and my lip is lumpy and misshapen six months later. And the lesson learned is that, in spite of my best intentions, I am not a boy.   But at least I jumped.   
  My son explaining his new love interest:  son - she's, well, not like you  me - huh?  son - She has, uh, weight.  me - (trying to be diplomatic) She's a little overweight?  son - Well..  me - (still trying to be diplomatic) She's curvy?  son - YEAH!  me - OK - let's call her voluptuous.  son - YEAH!  
  the girlfriend found my porn one evening  she said 'i thought you respected women'  i said i did  she replied 'how can you respect a woman when she's bent over a tractor'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         We were having the seniors' only keg on a mountain side when the police drove up the road with lights flashing. One of the cop cars had a police dog in the back seat, and I had a fat bag of weed in my front pocket, so I decided to ditch the contraband.   While the cops lectured us on our youthful foolishness, I craftily crept towards the brush. When I deemed I was close enough, I pitched the weed, but misthrew. It landed on the hood of my friend's car.  A cop snatched it up and asked, "Someone lose some marijuana?"   
  I feel ruben and ed should be a film that every 4th grade class is forced to watch and write a paper on  
  He:So, would you like to get together sometime?  She: Sorry, I don't "play for your team."  He: Well, couldn't you come on over and see how "my team" plays?  She: I think I'd need an equipment change first.  Drag Queens are creepy.  Especially the really good ones.  
  So I decided it's time to lose a little weight. I said to my boyfriend "I'm determined to go to the gym every day" to which he replies "ok, to make sure that you do I'm gunna go with you." So on the second day, we are on our way to the gym. I see a bathroom open on our dorm floor. I pull him in. We spend four hours in there having sex......well at least one of us got a work out.  
  Damn, my grandpa is so cool.  He does the crossword pizzle everyday.  He's really stubborn, so he refuses to give up when he can't do any more.  As soon as he gets stuck, he starts cussing. "Shit!! hey! that one fits! S-h-i-t." He actually writes "shit" in the blank.  The best part is, he then continues to try and do the puzzle, incorporating the word "shit" into his puzzle.  How fucking cool is that?  
  "I've actually been working the restaurant business for years."  "Oh." I replied.  "Yeah, I just moved up from California, San Diego."  "Uh-huh."  I have nothing against the British, really.  "My mom and sister just drove down there, they didn't talk to each other for days afterward."  "Hmmm."  She had her hand in my meatball sauce. I eyed the security camera and weighed my options.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I worked at a movie theatre as a kid  While behind the candy counter a huge woman, who had entered alone, came up and ordered: A lrge popcorn, heavy on the butter a hotdog bon bons peanut chews twizzlers, a pretzel....  and then.....  a small diet coke!  I actually said outloud: "OH PLEASE!!!"  Then covered my mouth hoping she hadn't heard!  Luckily she hadn't, she was too busy drooling over her popcorn  
  Memoirs of a ManWhore:  I don't usually orgasm when I'm with a client, now I know--its better that way.  Yesterday I got caught up in the moment, and actually shot my load.  Guys will understand. Have you've ever gotten drunk, and woke up next to the fat sorority girl that normally you wouldn't fuck with Bea Arthur's dick?  Imagine how much worse it feels--after the adrenaline rush of orgasm--to realize you're laying on top of an old man, and right now your juices are mingling with his sweat and pooling together on your stomach.  Excuse me...I need another shower.  
  Everyone has a hidden talent, some people just never get a chance to discover theirs. I found my hidden talent a few weeks ago with the guy of mine.  He said,"Whoa, that was the best blowjob I've ever had!"  I said,"Had to start somewhere."  
  This one comes from my dad, and is pretty good.  My dad and his friends were playing the Northern tour golf tournament (not really that serious a tournament), and one of the guys got pissed off and hit a 4" thick tree with his iron.  The shaft broke off and spun around the tree, impaling his side.  They carried him down to a station wagon and drove through town... right into a parade.  This was actually convenient because they flagged down the ambulance in the parade and loaded the guy into it.  
  Try this:  Get a bag o' potatoes. Get a Sharpie Get a potato peeler.  Draw a little face on a potato, and peel of some of the skin from around it, then with pins or something, stick the skins back on around the face you just drew.  Make a little sign with a toothpick and a post-it that says "Hello, Clairice."   Place on someone's doorstep overnight.  Congrats. You just went "Potato-ing."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My best friend and I, having coffee at a coffee clone place outside, smoking cigarettes, discussing her upcoming surgery. For no apparent reason, not being in a relationship or even looking for one, she decided that she wanted to get her tubes tied. We both have 2 girls from 2 major relationships in our lives. I didn't quite understand it, but what the hey. Her life, and I'm there for her, yanno?  So we're talking, and she says, "The chances of me getting back with either father are slim to none, and I don't want to get pregnant from a third relationship."  I think about it.   "Yeah," says I.  "That would be tacky."  We continue to smoke in silence, until what I said hits us. Then we laugh until tears stream down our faces.    
  This morning I find two free sample of very expensive chocolate candy included with my newpaper.  It think, "Hell, if I would have gotten up earlier I could have scored a hundred of these just by walking through the neighborhood."  If there had been a five dollar bill included with the paper, I would not have thought anything of it. Let it be candy and all my ethics go out the window.  
    Don't talk to me! Talk to the wood.       
  I recently decided to try to become vegan.  My last two breakfasts have been egg and cheese McMuffins from McDonald's.  I'm real close.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i finished taking a dump, threw my cigarette in the toilet, and flushed.. it clogged..  "oops" I thought to myself, as i stood up and exited the stall. nobody would know. there was a _hot_ chick standing in the bathroom.... this wasn't the guy's bathroom. oh shit. "um, it's pretty nasty in there." i said. i hoped she would think someone else took the shit. i washed my hands and left. she had to know it was me. man, that sucked.   
  After 3 days I give in and invite him over for sex.   Because, after all, it's the only thing we do together anymore when he's not with his girlfriend.  So after 3 days of him bothering me, I invite him over. Basically the only thing I got out of it was a wad of cum and bruised knees.  Still, I'd invite him back. I always do.  
  i remember my best friend and i were camping with her family. the bathrooms at the campsite were being redone or something, so there was nothing inbetween each toilet to give the person any privacy. so, the first morning we're there, we both run to the bathrooms to take our morning pisses. we realize there's no walls or doors or anything, so we're like "ah who really cares" and piss in toilets next to each other. 2 seconds later, while we're cleaning up. a pretty woman walks into the open bathroom with a book, pulls down her pants, sits down, and lets out the loudest & wettest farts i had ever heard. not bothered at all, opens up her book and begins to read. what the fuck?   
  So I'm helping this girl move furniture into the apartment we're gonna share for the summer, and when we get done, I'm one sweaty mess.  So I wet a washcloth in the bathroom sink and wipe as much as I can... feeels pretty good.  Then go out to the living room and probably had sex, since that's pretty much what we did that summer.  Next day, more furniture from streetlevel to 2nd floor.  Sweaty again.  'I'll get it' she says, and comes out of the bathroom with a cold wet washcloth.  It feels great.  Then it starts to smell.  I'm like 'where did you get this from?'  And she says that it was just hanging over the edge of the sink.    
  I just decided on the way home that nothing is worth this kind of aggravation, so when I reached the house I called work and asked for the manager. I had spent the drive working up my logical arguments why I needed to quit.  "Cheyenne?" "Yeah?" "I'm not coming back, I can't do this job anymore." "Okay, bye." CLICK Damn it, bitch, I had RATIONALES going!  
  I took 14 shots of Jack Daniels and got in my car to drive around for a while.  The only reason I drove is because my battery would discharge by the next morning if I didn't take it for a spin.  Man was that interesting.  
  Have you ever woken up soaked in piss, lying in front of a bar radiator in a completely different part of the work buliding from where you were partying the night before, covered in blue stuff that dissolved off the floor tiles from where the spilled beer had fallen, and feeling like complete shit?  I have, and if you try really hard, you can rationalize that it must have been a malicious act on the part of your workmates that they would piss on their colleague whilst he was passed out on the floor.  For some reason that sounds better than "pissed himself whilst passed out on the floor"  
  It was right out of a movie.  My boyfriend and i were outside on my trampoline at 1230 at nite.  After some heavy making out, he was fingering me... While i was saying "oh God oh God" over and over... my dad walks outside to say it was one oclock and he needed to go home.... shit - im gonna have to explain this one now...        
  I was on the swim team when I was younger. I never was that fit, and my coach would make me swim until the point of exhaustion. I asked her if I could take a break, and she said I couldn't. I kept swimming.   Then, when I felt dizzy, I got out of the pool, walked up to her, and threw up all over her pants and shoes.  I didn't have to go to practice for a weak. It's a shame I didn't have hepatitis.  
  my grandparents gave me some money for my birthday. right now i'm snorting some fat rails of coke with the only twenty i have left after buying an 8ball with said money. they told me to use it for things i might need at university...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know what was great? Two tacos for a dollar at Taco Bell. Two bucks and you had dinner.  Every night.   
  She fucks him up the ass every chance she gets.        
  Someone wrote and asked me flat-out if my moments were true ones. Yes, for the most part, they are. I leave it to you to figure out which are real and which are embellished.  I also leave it to you to worry if I live near you and have too much free time on my hands.  
  I was at a friends apartment when his father paid him a visit and saw the four bras hanging in plain sight above the door to his son's room.  Three other female friends and I hung them there as an amusing place to keep them whenever we crashed at his place.  His dad just smiled a bit and said "Half of me wants to say 'Oh, Johny' and the other half wants to go 'THAT'S my boy!"  
  (I mistakenly thought this was about the REAL LowBrow, but it doesn't actually mention us by name. Never mind -- it's a silly Establishment rant against us, anyway.)  From Unseemly to Lowbrow, the Web's Real Money Is in the Gutter  (NY Times, 08/25/02) Life is good at the bottom of the cyberspace pit...it is not easy to find many pure Internet companies that make healthy profits without appealing to baser interests. Yet these days, Internet users complain of a proliferation of Web sites that offer a peek up Anna Kournikova's skirt or that hawk pills to increase the size of their sex organs. The Internet was supposed to make people's brains bigger.     People now talk about wasting too much of their time sifting through e-mail invitations to view photographs of nymphets or unspeakable acts with farm animals.  (I  like  photographs of nymphets!)  Cyberspace is "debasing itself in front of our eyes," said Bruce Sterling, a science fiction author. Mr. Sterling, who sees the Internet becoming a pit of spam and swindles, pornography, corporate advertising and government surveillance, warns, "We will lose the Internet if we don't save it." Why is so much high technology so lowbrow, with abominably written prose, horrific images like the beheading of the journalist Daniel Pearl and the sweaty sensibility of a tromp through the febrile fantasies of adolescent boys and middle-aged men?  (Unfair! I write nothing but well-structured, grammatically-correct, sleazy LowBrow prose!)  Cyberspace is "debasing itself in front of our eyes," said Bruce Sterling, a science fiction author. Mr. Sterling, who sees the Internet becoming a pit of spam and swindles, pornography, corporate advertising and government surveillance, warns, "We will lose the Internet if we don't save it." To be sure, the better neighborhoods of the Net   where one can find learned discussion of Kierkegaard or analysis of Gram Parsons's influence on rock music   are flourishing. But critics like Mr. Sterling argue that those leafy digital neighborhoods are increasingly surrounded by wildly expanding zones of slums, bad taste and risk.  (I've read every word Kierkegaard ever wrote. So he had some neat ideas, so big deal. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. These days I'd much rather read a  real  genius, like LadeeFrickingDa. However, all is not lost, the article finishes:)  [Mr. Kahle] said he preferred a complex ecosystem to a monoculture as bland and regular as a suburban lawn. "I grew up where almost everybody could sing all three verses of the `Gilligan's Island' theme song," he said. "I don't want my children to grow up like that."  (Don't worry, Mr. Kahle -- they're too busy fucking, smoking, and tuning into the 'Brow to grow up like that.)   
  they (whoever they are) say that Huey Lewis has the biggest cock in all of rock and roll.  i bet he's never heard "if this is it, please let me know......"     
  After a night of chili rellenos, salsa with cayennes, and shitty imported beer, the next morning is truly the experience from Hell:  "Dear Lord, please help me to release this demon!"  ....FWWWWWWUMP!!!! Ka-SPLOOSH!! THppppppppppPPPTH!!! drizzle-splash-sclorch....  "Thank you, Lord!"  
  I think I get it about art. Either you get it or you don't.  You look at a car and say "Boy, I'd like to drive that!" - it's the art factor kicking in.  Look at a piece by Picasso or something, scratch your head and say "I don't get it" - same thing. So what's on my walls at home?  Alternating reprints of Escher, that photomosaic of Darth Vader and old Fillmore posters.  The ceilings are dotted with aircraft sectionals.  It's my way of combating your regular, average art folk.  I don't even have a goatee.  
  walked into english class, feeling like a child, giddy, impulsive because it was hallowe'en...not too many people were in the room yet, the teacher, a few people i didn't know too well...started talking loudly, kind of in that unthinking- showing-off-sort-of-way, saying that hallowe'en is the second most important holiday of the year...somebody asks what the first is, and i say "christmas, of course", with a big stupid grin on my face...only afterwards realizing that the teacher is jewish...i felt like such an idiot, so insensitive...maybe he didn't notice, but even still, i wish i could apologize        
  Her mom told her in front of me that she should'nt miss my boat. I told her that it actualy was a cruise ship and it's about to leave harbor. The captian is impatient.  
  Last night, when my wife left the room, I used her blanket to wipe the dust off of the TV screen so I could see the football game better.  
   Even More Hudson River Tales   Among the temporary summer help was a  slim little creature with a delicate pixie face who melted me into a puddle (Hi, Germaine! sigh...)  She was a little too delicate for the heavy fishing we did, but obviously I  loved  having her on my crew anyway.  Being newly single, I threw a party and invited her. She came, yeah!  The next day, she politely requested a transfer to another crew, and wouldn't tell me why.  Later, my roommate recounted the following forgotten conversation from the party:  Me:  Dear sweet Germaine, just don't ever get trapped in an elevator with me.   She, laughing and doing the famous flirtatious "hair toss":  Do tell!   Me:  By the time they got the doors pried open, I would be alone in there, huddled in the corner, slobbering and gnawing at something that looked like a thigh bone. There would be no other evidence that you ever existed.   (What's so wrong with that, 'browers? At least it indicates a genuinely passionate nature, no?)  
  The last time I ate at Burger King was 1997. I had a chicken sandwich right before I got on the subway. Right between Broadway and Andrew Square I vomited all over the commuters on the train. I had to lay on the floor with them yelling at me until I could stumble off the train and pass out in my own vomit at Andrew.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Not my moment, but I thought I'd share  My friend told me that the weather was trippy...so I told him that it is not the weather that is trippy, it perhaps may in fact be the way that we PERCEIVE the weather that is indeed trippy.  Then I thought to myself, I should have just said "Yeah."  
  Hanging out at Heyward's two room ghetto ass apartment with two girlfriends. Heyward is short, but hot, and the head singer of this random band. He wants to get with me, but I have a boyfriend. We get drunk and play truth or dare. I get naked, and so do the other girls. I dare Heyward to show me his dick, and he does. I feel really bad I can't stay in this roach-infested hole and fuck him, but I have another man. Just before we leave, I go into the bathroom and scrawl "TOO BAD I CAN'T FUCK YOU, LOVE PUCK" on his mirror, with a bar of dial. We leave. I still see him around sometimes, and he still gives me this grin. ~puck~  
  Booger's funny joke: There was a plate of pot brownies at the party and Booger mushes one up in his hand for a while and goes in the bathroom for a couple seconds. We wait a little while and a girl goes in and of course let's out a disgusted string of expletives concerning the shit someone took right on the toilet seat. Booger runs to the rescue of the distressed damsel and pops the offending "turd" into his mouth, chews, swallows.  
  she said "can i go down on you?"  i said "if you like the taste of goldbond"    
  living once in the ghetto of flint, MI (here's what it is like, take everything bad in Detroit, multiply by 20, cram it into a space 50 times smaller, and you have flint) I use to carry a knife, knowing no matter what happened, it was still useless. Students robbed a gunpoint, drive bys a typical nightly occurance no one bothered to care about, mayor's car busted with a trunk full of drugs, police force reduced to save money, no hospitals having their own ambulances... Now i live in the "projects" of a small, southern college town where the worst thing to ever happen was the water heater no working (in the winter), and me having to boil water on the stove. And people still ask how Im not scared to walk home at 2am in the morning by myself Right, because squirrels might attack me...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one of my despondent and angular rebellions is to wear t-shirts that have logos and phrases that have absolutely nothing to do with who i am  and i never buy a t-shirt that does reflect the real me  i wonder who it is, i am rebelling against  now everything has changed  low brow sells t-shirts  
  I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.   
  My boyfriend of the time and I had just broken up. He's not very quick at things in regards to relationships.  It takes him time to get through things.  So we were talking about how he might meet someone later on, and I used the example of how some friends of mine had thought he was cute and this was how the rest of the conversation went:  [him]: They didn't get a chance to know me...You've seen how slow I work. [me]: Yeah. [him]: I'm terrible... [me]: You're not slow at everything though   ((*Is referring to sex with him how he finishes WAY too fast*))  [him]: Well, thank you very much.  He took it as a compliment! And I assumed that he wasn't thinking I was referring to the same thing as he was but then...  [him]: I really don't think I should be jusdged on those   ((Those were three time...not like he ever proved himself otherwise))   [him]: I'll hopefully get some  more practice  ((I pity the girl he gets more practice with...))  [me]: We are talking about the same thing right? [him]: Maybe...well you said "You're not slow at everything".  ::he then says this in reference to the last time we were together:: me -"sorry I'm done" you- "already?"  Yes folks, it was that fast that I said already to him...good lord barely five minutes had past...that's just not right...he needs to get in touch with his sexuality a lot better if all he gets out of it is 5 minutes.  
  the quote was no thanks sister i ll just keep scraping away the bullshit and exposing your feeble little gods if thats ok with you she looked at him with that  poorlostsoullook he flipped her off and gave a lecherous leer         
  diary, 03/12/2003  almost everybody's now dependent upon my stapler. i'm well on my way to make a fantastic army of docile minions, ready to take over the world. today someone bought a stapler for her own little pleasure. i'll take this as a sign that she's trying to wean herself off my yoke. i shall kill her as soon as possible..or steal her stapler, tempt her, make her beg and then perhap she'll just become as pliant as ever.  there's also that guy with his "oh so" fancy new and modern stapler, probably consparing with is underground and renegade order against me. i'll take care of him tomorrow.  
  One time one of the houses in the neighborhood burned down.  I never knew the real reason why, but one of my friends told me that the owner had fallen asleep while sleeping in the bathtub.  Before that I had never heard of anyone bathing in lighter fluid.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Lowbrow moment:  In the midst of puberty, masturbation had become a chore, girls were not an option yet b/c they didn't put out at that age...damn.  Scoured through ideas, lubes-old, porno magazines-old, maybe buy a pocket vagina from the back of one of these magazines?  Nah, I'm too young.  Then I got a strange idea, I could put catnip on my penis and a cat would lick it off.  This did not work, but I just had to let the world know, I apologize to myself for even trying; understand I was jonesin' THAT BAD.  And add creativity to that mixture and you have a dangerous mind.  
  the thing about llamas is they try to act all aloof and docile, but they can't stand having unknown persons within a certain perimeter.  they seem to have a preternatural ability to detect when this barrier has been breached, at which point the llama bounds off in an arbitrary direction.  you can walk right towards one and it seems to look through you with its big, glossy eyes, even if you run full speed at it, until you come within a certain distance and it calmly panics, feet slipping like a cartoon and trying to pretend it was planning on running over there all along.  the llama:  nature's random number generator.  
  Those people that think that it sucks to wake up in a puddle of their own blood have obviously not woken up in a puddle of somebody elses.  
  Waiting for a train after school, we were amazed to witness the outburst of an obviously deranged man. He had been calmy sitting on the seat next to us, when he suddenly jumped up. "There's a lot of pus around my arse, there's a lot of pus around my cock, there's a lot of pus in the world". After that beautiful verbal presentation, he sat down as if nothing had happened, leaving the rest of us completely bewildered.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I broke a guitar string once and it hit me in the eyeball. It was the high e string. It left a little filled in red circle on the white of my eyeball. I think it's faded now, but it was there for years. I'm glad it didn't blind me. I used to get hit in the eyes with things a lot. And the crotch, too.  
  of course my alcoholic dad starts drinking at about 10am.  i get up and he immediately asks what my plans are for the day...but he asks this four separate times.  each time i reply with .."i planned on going shopping today...but i am broke."  each time he gave me a 20 dollar bill.  there are a few advantages of having an alcoholic dad :)  
  the bible story about sodom and gomorah would have turned out differently if they only had some KY  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Most amusing places I've had sex:  1) In the back of my car, in the parking lot of a Baptist church...left the condoms on the ground for the nice people to find and freak out about, thinking it's from some fallen youth in the 11 am Sunday School class.   2) On an American Flag beach towel on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. How patriotic.  3) Under a blanket on a couch, pants halfway down my ass, as my parents and 13-year-old cousin watch Spiderman in the next room. That'll teach them to beg me to come home all the time.   Maybe tomorrow I'll try it in the bathroom at my work. Gotta mark my territory there somehow.   
  sometimes when i am homealone, and naked in my room, i like to take little short squirts of piss onto my carpet. just for fun i guess. or maybe its to mark my territory unknowingly.  
  On day after riding my bike home from Sausalito to my flat in san francisco I decided to work out a little bit of stress on a weight machine in the garage. After about a fifteen-minute work out, I felt invincible! There was nothing that could be more powerful than a man that had just rode across the Golden Gate Bridge and then did more than 20 reps of 80 lbs. each?   As I left the garage, I instinctively hit the garage door "opener" and ran to duck up the door as it closed  IT HIT THE TOP OF MY HEAD AND SCALPED ME!!!!   "oh man, yo fucked yo-sef up ther? dint'cha?" said a poor black man.  AND I didn't have health insurance.   
  so today at my school there was a blood donar clinic and I was all prepared to give blood untill I got to that boot that asks questions. they asked if I had used cocaine in the past 12 months. I pondered saying yes but decided to say no, because it probally doesnt make any difference right?  so then they asked if I have had sex with someone who has done cocaine or any illegal needle involved drugs and I figured that by this point maybe I should be saying yes   then they asked if I have ever had sex with someone whos sexual history I was unaware of. . .   so they told me I couldnt give blood and advised that it would be best to tell everyone else I couldnt give blood because I had a sore throat.  and as I'm walking out, my friends asked if I had given blood and I said, no I couldnt because I have a sore throat. then joe said, "me too."     
  I've started taking moments on Lowbrow seriously, in fact, I use quite a few of them in day-to-day life.  Saturday night, after splitting a bottle of Captain Morgan's with my gf and a couple of housemates, I turn to her and say, "You know what, you'd look good bent over a chair and taking it hard."  She thought about it for a sec, pulled up her skirt and bent over the back of the couch.  "Livin' la vida Lowbrow"  
  Sometimes it seems to take more than one step to create a *REALLY* special lowbrow moment.    Step One:  Talking on the phone to some guy nightly until 4 am when I have to work at 8 am.   Step Two:  ACTUALLY giving up sex for two weeks, to prove to this guy (that I have never even met) that I can go without sex.  (No sorry, that's not the lowbrow part just yet.)    Step Three:  Make sure the guy NOT ONLY is someone from the Internet, but make it SUPER pathetic by starting all this due to the fact he liked my lowbrow moments.     And yet...that's STILL not the worst part.  The worst part is I didn't realize it until we stopped talking completely.  I think if I EVER give my phone number to a lowbrow male again...I may have to stop visiting lowbrow.com forever.  Soooooo lowbrow.   
  Back in college I used to drink pretty hard, and from time to time I'd end up pissing in various places. I know, not too shocking to this crowd. So one night, after about 8 Jack-and-Cokes I wake up in bed with my girlfriend and I've pissed myself. Semi-conscious, I grab the blanket off the bed, grab a pillow, get on to the floor and proceed to sleep the rest of the night through.   She wasn't pissed that I wet the bed, just that I let her sleep in it.  What the fuck? It was pretty much dry by the morning...  
  me: ...now i wonder why in the hell different absorbencies of tampons tell you how many GRAMS they can hold. me: how the fuck are you supposed to know how many grams you're bleeding!? dan: if you use a given model, and exceed its capacity, you can say "well i bled more than 7 grams, i can tell you that"    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My sister is 3 years older than me.  She used to have some seriously hot friends.  One of which had an interest in me, or was just a horny chick.  Probably the latter.  She would come to visit my sister, and nonchalantly come up to my room and blow me.  I was 16 at the time, and this girl was 21.  I was Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, the King of the fucking World, was I.  I used to tell my friends about it, and they would never believe me, until we asked her to ride along to the liquor sto' so's she could get us some beverages.  On the way home she gave me a handjob in my buddy's pick up truck.  It was cold out.  I love cold hands on my johnson.    
  My computer crashed in the middle of something important.  I hit it.    I hit it hard.    I apologised and felt bad for the rest of the evening.   
  I always found that the acoustics of my little red biscuit tin were fantastic. The resonance was incredible - I recall the many hours I spent yodling in it. I recall one evening when I was so tired I fell asleep whilst still inside my little red biscuit tin. When I awoke, the sun was shining and I could hear the songs of a thousand chirping birds... well I realized then that I had hit my head on the cupboard. I don't do it all that often and so I thought I'd get the self-abuse in especially early, while the day was still fresh. Anyway, the melodious birds that strangely swam around my head were accompanied by beautiful music, such that I felt like washing my hair and running through a field - ahhhh, the feeling of unfoiled euphoria. It was one of those Kodak moments, and since I had lots of film left over from the last time that I didn't take photos, I thought I'd keep the situation as it was, and thus the moment of splendour would be kept forever and ever for at least a few minutes. Who knows, one day I might actually get a camera..."  
  When I was 15, I overheard my oldest brother calling up a local taxi company and saying "Hello, I have a bottle order" he then ordered 3 cases of beer and gave out home address. About 45 minutes later, a taxi pulled up into our driveway, my brother paid him and took the beer into the house. I could not believe my eyes: my 18 year-old brother had successfully scored booze! The following weekend I went to my friends house, her parents were away and there were a whole bunch of really cool guys there (we girls were all private-school geeks so this was a huge deal) As everyone bemoaned our lack of alcohol situation, I announced that I could get everyone whatever they wanted. We made a list and I arrogantly picked up the phone and dialed the taxi company. The whole party was watching me and my pulse was racing. I kept practicing over and over in my head: "hello, I'd like to place a bottle order" - just as I had heard my brother say. The dispatcher answered my call and I said in a very "adult" tone: "Hello, I have a body odour" The dispatcher said "WHAT???!!!" and I was so shaken I hung up. Everyone was just staring at me with massively confused looks on their faces. Maximum Loser Moment.  
  so, i'm walking downtown... and i know not to look around at people, but this girl is walking down the street.  she's either almost homeless or on the edge of trendy, i can't tell which.  then she does the inevitable  ...asks me for a dollar.  i say no, and cross the street.  my stock answer for anyone asking me for money.  she follows, not stalker-like, but just kinda there.  i go to the corner and enter this club where my friends' band is playing.  paying the door cover, i know she sees me, then she walks in.  guy says '$5 cover' she pulls out a wad of singles and says 'i only have $4' and i felt so sorry for her.  then i went to the bar and ordered a rum & coke.  
  I used to work for an alcoholic who owned a travel agency. He'd hand me a five dollar bill and tell me to go get a case of Henry's. He hated drinking alone, so he'd feed me beers all day. Pretty cool job for a 19 year old college kid. Totally drunk at work almost everyday. One time I booked a family on a trip to mexico and the place crashed in cerritos killing like 250 people.  We drank even harder that week.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My nickname for my boyfriend, is shnookermer......  My nickname for my dog, is shnookermer..    
  February in New York, 1998 7 in the morning  I walk down the stairs of my husband's (then boyfriend's) parent's house. I freeze three-quarters of the way down and my eye contact with his father, standing behind the dining room table, bottle of Smirnoff in his hand, poised upwards, lips pursed and ready to kiss that fermented potato goodness.  "It's damn cold. Warms me up," he replied after he swigged.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think, in all my ponderances, the most difficult daily task a man faces is pissing with morning wood.   When you just wake up at whatever ungodly hour it may he, the last thing you want to do is calculate distances and trajectories so you don't end pissing all over the bathroom wall.   This is especially a cruel joke played on us by god when you've been on a drinking binge consisting of everclear and malt liqour the night before.   
  Everyone else submits their drug stories...  Me and my friend do DXM -- it's the active ingrediant in Robitussin.  "So," you say, "everybody's done Robo once or twice."  We found a source for the pure stuff -- buy it 50g at a time.  We mix it heavy with Gatorade and do shots of it.  It is the worst tasting thing I've ever put in my mouth.  We then will play Unreal or watch anime until the stuff hits.  Movies are fun because you are projected into the movie and are turned from a passive observer into an active participant.  Once I did a dose about double what we usually do.  I stopped being able to see for a little while, and in that period I stood on the Plateau of Time and watched the multiverses bubble past.  I looked into my own futures.    I now laugh every time I talk to people about scheduling: they still think time is linear.  Hee hee!  
  hero worship is the last vestige of lame lifed i have never met a tvmoviehero in a divebar guess they are too busy getting their teeth fixed the hair weave and those pec implants         
  i finally got a desk near a window.  the sun shines, the breeze blows.  i'm one of the lucky ones  just outside the window, a huge chimney or stack of some sort rises out of the ground.  it isn't near any buildings.  it continuously spews smoke into the air, day and night.  sometimes i have fun imagining what might be down there breathing so hard   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  I told her, "Look, if you're going to get mad when I date anyone that you've ever fucked, I'm going to have to leave the Tri-State area."  
  You know how you shed hair in the shower? Every time I wash my hair, a couple strands don't make it all the way down. So I end up with hair in my butt crack. And then I have to go and pick it out, because if I don't, something will start to tickle down between my cheeks halfway through first period. I know that this can happen it has many a time and so when I get out of the shower, I'm paranoid about stray butt crack hairs I check repeatedly to see if there's any there. Guys have hair all over, how do they stand having it growing in ticklish spots? I want to ask someone. But *eww* ...        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I found a site where you can find a few dozen pictures of MTV's Daria doing unspeakably nasty things to the rest of the show's cartoon cast, including Beavis and Butthead.  The pictures are a strange mixture of hilarious, disgusting, and simply wrong.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A local weatherman here had cancer. He was marching in the St. Patty's day parade and I was really drunk and yelled out "way to go kemo!". It seemed like a really good idea at the time.....  
  I hadn't seen my friend in a long time so I drove three hours to visit her. The house smelled like cat piss and a wet dog with a strong hint of filthy hamster cage to round it out.I started to light up a smoke but she stopped me and said she only smokes outside because she doesn't want the house to stink like cigarettes. The carpet had stains that looked like giant inkblots and some appeared to be growing. I made a point of squatting when I used the toilet. Once I got acclimated to the stench we had a fairly decent visit. She seemed suprised when I declined her offer of lodging for the night. It was a long drive home but it was definitely worth it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm sitting here naked, about to go to bed, marvelling at how long my pubic hair has gotten.  Think it's time to trim again.  
  if anyone saw the june (maybe it was july) cosmopolitan women's magazine... which by the way, i don't read, but some chick i was smoking a blunt with did...anyway.  you know how they give free samples of stuff in those magazines? usually shampoo or something.  this month - KY Liquid, apparently newer and better than good ole KY.    friends, if you lube them, they will come.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Feeling down? Or angry?  Get up and literally shake your ass. Now try putting your arms up at your sides while you do it. Seriously.  If you're still feeling as bad as you were, you're having a really bad day. Just go to bed.  
  my friends and i all joke about how we jerk-off in the men's room at our jobs. we call it owning the company.  i can't figure out why when i walk in each day they haven't moved me out of my cube and into the boardroom.  
  A friend once wrote a play for me. In it everyone worshiped me and thought that was I was their supreme ruler. It was set in a mental institution.  Rather disturbing really.  
  Just blew my load after 30 minutes that had been ripening for five days. It was the size of my palm or greater. I was amazed at the size of it. In 4 days my girlfriend was going to suck me off, and I hoped I would be able to blow a load like that (or even last 4 days without masturbating).   I got up to dispose of HumongoGlob with hand on dick. It quickly spilled over, more watery than I figured it would be. No less than four huge streaks of cum were on the left leg of my shorts, waiting to fall on the floor. I managed to get to the bathroom and soak my shorts in ice cold water and take moist toilet paper to the streaks. It was a success, and I deposited the shorts and sweat-soaked boxers in my laundry basket.   I will make sure from now on to masturbate every day so my wad will be small enough to carry. That is my ultamatum. Or something.  Damn, I hope this kind of problem doesn't come up when I get blown for the first time in my life 4 days from now.   
  i had just gotten off shift and my head pounded from the idiocy of others who are in this world to help others as the call it self medication via alcohol was really the only objective i had the desire for the red bat phone looking telephone rang it never had before i thought how odd that someone would be calling the toothless old man bar on a tuesday night its empty its me and two chainsmokers that i dont think ive seen before the man of immense girth with the pop out turkey thermometer belly button walks my way calls my name and hands me the phone ok first who the hell knows im here second who the hell knows that phone number third how the hell did that bartender know my name guess its time to move         
  my new favorite bumper sticker:   Guns Kill People  LIKE SPOONS  Made Rosie O'Donnell Fat  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The only times I ever really want a b.j. are the times they are not forthcoming. It's funny how so many girls say that they give really good head. It's obvious that they were told that by someone who just wanted them to suck their dick again and again and really didn't care or notice how good the head was.  If I were honest: "Sorry, way too wet and slobbery. I have cold saliva in my butt crack now" and: "Jesus, don't use your teeth!" and: "Ouch, that just chafes." and: "Gee, you know I would not have accepted your offer if I'd known you neither spit nor swallowed but rather directed the cum onto my own belly."  
  The first thing I did with the new digital camera I got for X-mas was take a beautiful picture of my genitals.  
  advice:  If darwin was right and its all survival of the fittest and all, then this should extend to every layer of life right down to the last atom and electron.  Let's accept this as true for a moment. If doing drugs and drinking kills brain cells, and darwin was right, the slower ones would go first, thusly, the smarter brain cells would have less competition and be able to work more freely. Thusly, the more i smoke and drink the higher my grades go, as long as i keep the working and partying at equal levels. which was always a lot. I swear i spoke this thought out loud my freshman year of college. my gpa that semester was a 3.2 or something, and i took 12 credits. My last semester i took 26 credits and my gpa was a 3.8. I graduated with honors. i swear this whole story is absolutely true. think about it.  
  I do not live in the south.  I live in the San Francisco Bay Area.  I have not lived in the south.  I've moved 3 times, but never left this town.  I wouldn't consider myself a redneck, even after reading several of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck If..." books.  But....  I still believe there is no problem that can't be fixed with duct tape and bailing wire.  
  she said she didnt want to hurt and leaving at somepoint would really hurt so rather than wait for the inevitable she wanted to rip the bandaid off quickly quote endquote yah ok so codependency and lust are tricky bedfellas and it did take me a while to get over her and then there she was years later staring at me sidling up to me and putting her hands on my shoulder and neck in full view of my now wife just to get my wife pissed wow your life must really suck if the only way you get a self esteem jolt is by attempting the jealousy maneuvre  her life does really suck you made the shit now lie in it    
  just looking into the toilet after letting a single log out, this thought appears in my head "I hate it when my shit's bigger than my dick"  
  I just drooled on my hand-markered Ramones shirt while reading lowbrow moments. It wasn't even a particularly appetizing moment, I'm just a slack jawed yokel.   I do this all the time too, I produce all this goddamned saliva and I'm too polite to spit on the floor deliberately. So if I don't swallow it, I just drool on myself. I feel like a fucking retard.  
  I was eating some really good sushi.  Feeling adventurous, I decide to eat the large fish eggs roll.  I have never had it before, and a friend wanted to try a single fish egg.  I put the whole thing in my mouth, and it was thick, slimy, and salty...  At the same exact time I had a mouthful of fish egg slime, my friend is trying not to say what it tastes like.  My friend is female.  I am trying not to puke on the 10 other people with us.  Great.  I now know the true flavor of semen...  
  i skipped work because the day was so miserable and went down to the local bar the toothless old men were watching jerry springer or something i started telling this old dood a story about this women with incredible breasts who used to love to tease the living shit outta me granted i spent far too much time describing her breasts granted i spent far too much time roping in each of those old coots into the story granted the woman never really existed but i had to do something to compete with crappy daytime tv or else the whole day would have sucked   
   Panty Lines for Tennis   During a commercial break while watching a women's tennis match recently, one of those ads for Anna Kournikova's line of sports bras came on, with her tagline:  Only the balls should bounce   So I came up with the idea of a line of tennis underwear with slogans on them, like:   Keep your eye on the ball  Hi Mom!  No love games here  All tennis players have balls in their underwear   and my favourite:   Point your Canon somewhere else    Any more suggestions? A desirable side-effect: The TV cameras might spend more time showing us the... eh... slogans  
  Why is it, that when I try and introduce someone to the intoxication that is lowbrow, instead of getting the witty insights of Limbo, e_e_, Ladee, cheerleader, or one of the many others whom I enjoy, they get someone who just writes disgusting nonsense.  Its like yuo're all against me!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         them "cut your damn hair. you look like a sissy." me "i like my hair this long. leave me the hell alone." them "god damn it cut your hair. me "fine" *goes gets haircut* them "why the hell did you cut your hair. we liked it long." me "i hope you die."  
  Taking pie like mean wondering fluffers eats never potion.  Rain muncher fall creating shout pail slide and let all lick corn savings.     
  I was dating this girl who lived just off campus. We got drunk one Friday night, got to her place a little before the bars closed. We went to her room where all her room mates were sleeping because it was the end of the semester and that was the only availble place to sleep. So we both wanted to fuck, so we went out her window out to the roof. The roof faced a busy intersection right near the bars and campus.  We started fucking like rabbits with a blanket over us.  She began bitching that the roof was tearing up her back (not to mention my knees!) The blanket came off and went under us fully exposed.  By this time the bars were letting out and I was going full throttle.  I never heard so many people honk their horns, cheer, clap, yell, you name it.  It was totally rockin!  Cool comments by many of the drivers too.  Still wondering if it was worth scabbed up knees for two weeks after.  
  My Fiance and I before we were engaged used to sport Fuck at all the hotels we could  once at a red roof inn we got the last room which was handicapped. lit some candles and rented a porn. after fucking for an hour we decided to order pizza and as my fiance was talking to the guy she burnt the phone cord in half.  we managed to get the pizza ordered by cell and started our crusade again.  within the next hour we heard loud buzzing noises and flashing lights coming from the alarm on the wall  I immediately thought FIRE and started telling her to get her clothes on as I ran for the door one leg on and dick floppin I burst out the door and ran into the pizza guy ringing the handicapped doorbell  
  You know when your wiping and the TP slips out from your hand and you end up wiping with your hand. I hate it when that happens.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I got laid off from Home Depot the day before my birthday. Then I found out after I got laid off that they hired someone in my place.Isn't that fucked up!? At least I can claim unemployment benefits.It sucks being broke and not being able to afford Christmas presents. Home Depot rot in hell....  
   I really wanted to eat a sandwich. I thought of all the items a good sandwich would need and ticked off the refrigerator contents in my head. Satisfied that all the ingredients were there, I went to assemble the contents.  Then I remembered that we were out of bread.       
  I told her I wasn't comfortable with my boyfriend sleeping with her.  Two bottles of wine later, we were in bed, having sex.  It was the best sex i'd had for months.  It happened on a regular basis sans wine thereafter, until she seperated from her husband.    I never did tell my boyfriend I was sleeping with the women i'd told him he couldn't.  I take a real mean pride in that. He deserved it, the bastard.      
  Lotion is for teenagers who don't know any better. Once you start masturbating with real lube, you'll never go back.   Of course, my hands are no longer as smooth as they were when I "vigorously applied" lotion every day.  
  he'd just had a shower and was wandering around in his dressing gown when he knocked over a lamp. as he tried to pick up the pieces he touched he live wire.  we watched as his long hair stood on end and he emitted the most womanly scream i have ever heard, and as he did so his dressing gown fell open showing us everything.  he spent the rest of the day lambasting us and wondering why everybody just sat there laughing and didn't help him.  
  My fourth grade math teacher was a little high strung, to say the least.  One day, teaching us about prime numbers, she asked, "who can tell me the factors of 5?"  Of course, no one answered--we were all terrified of her.  She got so pissed at us, especially when some kid finally said, "uhh...2 and 3?" that she started throwing things at us.  At first it was chalkboard erasers and pens, but then she took off one of her high-heeled pumps and chucked that at us.  And to think, she didn't even get fired until two years later!  
  I worked at a petstore for while when I was 15. I did a good job, knew animals pretty well, ended up working in the livestock section. Fish, reptile, birds, small mammals. I lived everything. Except the hampsters. Fucking things would bite anyone, anytime. I bled once a day. I took to wearing leather gloves everytime I had to open the cage. Finally, the last straw. One ran up my arm and bit my damn ear. I threw him in a fishtank in the back that was devoid of fish. Maybe swimming for a while would teach the little fucker a lesson. I remembered him two hours later. Small, lifeless waterlogged carcass on the bottom of the tank. I felt bad. Then I shoved a coathanger up his ass, stuck him in the freezer and made a Hampsterpop. Everybody in the livestock department laughed.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         by far the coolest thing i saw on my recent trip to san fran was the twelve fifteen-year-old catholic school girls in those cute plaid pleated skirts all smoking giant cigars on the corner of 25th and valencia.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so I'm sitting there in english class, and we've just started working in groups of four.   My group consists of the smartest guy in the year, the smartest girl in the year, the smartest girls' friend, and myself, the person fucking the smartest girl in the year.  I feel a cough come on, and politely cough into the crook of my elbow.  I look up, and all three are looking at me like I've sprouted an extra head.  "what, never heard a person cough before?" I demand.  The other guy shakes his head "It's not that -- I've just never seen anyone cough up a lump of phlegm that big before and not notice..."  Anyone got a spoon? Or a gun?  
  I'm waiting outside his office for him to finish a phone call and talk to me.  When the other party is speaking, I hear snippets of Rush Limbaugh on the radio.  Him:  "So, your changing the plan?  I thought you liked the plan.  What do you want to do?"  Rush: "I want to see if the DC Police Chief would say it was a waste of resources if a Republican congressman was involved."  Him:  "I think I can manage that.  I know a girl I can call."  Woah.  
  I found the perfect van.  A huge silver 89 Dodge conversion van.  The pathetic thing is I am too poor to get an apartment, even sadder, I am too poor to live in a van.  Damn credit history...  
  So i've been walking around with a bum i've pseudo befriended in manhattan's upper west side, and i've begun to notice that he takes glee from pissing on every newspaper machine he can find. This catches up to me on Broadway somewhere between 72nd and 110th when, whilst i was pissing on a NY Times Vending Machine (catching the stares of several jaded onlookers) with my beer in the air (no paper bag...that shits for undercover work), i suddenly realized that i am far too impressionable for my own good.  
  Now you can rent videos online, and have them delivered to your home.  Scary stuff. They also deliver pizza,  Red Vines, Ben & Jerry's, all your junk food needs.  Empty junk food packaging, dirty plastic spoons, TV slowly mashing my brain into what Hollywood wants it to be.  All the fixins for another lowbrow moment, and I never had to change out of my PJs.  
  Just another one of those nights, where I know, in less than 5 hours, I'll need to get up and deal with the world I don't want to bother with (class), but I can't sleep. So I sit in a darkened room, thinking about the world I want to deal with (her), but can't, because it's 2:30 AM, and she's sleeping soundly 29.1 miles away.  Time for another cigarette.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I startled a loudly snoring homeless fella when I opened my front door one morning. I jumped back, closing the door, trying to figure out what to do. I'm a small woman.   I heard the sound of liquid hitting carpet. "no   no   no No  No No NO!!!"  I ripped the door open and kicked him out of my entryway. I kicked him out several more times waiting for the police to arrive. Once they came and left, I found myself no longer worried, but wondering...  What had happened to his pants?  His shoes?  And what could posses and man to consciously pee on a carpet???...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Yesterday, after a long and heartfelt conversation with my boss I now know the following:  1. How to pick up chicks in Russia.  2. Wy younger, inexperienced girls are preferable to older, experienced women.  3. The benefits of the instability of the Russian black-market and open market systems as reflected by the profitability of the career of hired gun.  AND  4. Reasons behind America's anti-community based ideals of living and how that impeeds our understanding of cultures that do not have as high a standard of living as we.  On top of tha I got to meet his wife and children, which was pretty nice. 'Sides, his wife is really HOT and gave me something to think about latter tonight as I have sex with my girlfriend.  
  i have subscirptions to hundreds of magazines, from the sears catalog to scientific american.  i get at least one magazine every day of the year.  i find pictures of women in these magazines and cut out the crotches of their pictures.  i then glue them onto my wall and ceiling.  sometimes i draw attentative eyes over the pictures, maybe because i like to think of the women watching me approvingly as i whack it to their splits, but more probably because i like to pretend they're disapproving eyes attached to mouths with gags over them.  i wear jeans, sneakers, and uninteresting shirts.  i am 5'10'' and weigh 180 pounds.  aside from that half hour of each of my days, i lead a pretty normal life.  try to figure out who i am :)  
  At an old apartment of mine, I used to get calls from a High School. They thought I was the parent of a student there. The kid, it seemed, cut class very often, because they called me at least half a dozen times to tell me he had cut school. Why get the little punk in trouble? I told them my wife and I would straighten him out everytime and hang up, positive I was kicking some good karma out into the world...  
  Interesting remarks made at Urinals - Part 2:  'XXX' opened last week. My friends and I had been waiting for this movie for a while as we are all Vin Diesel fans and it looks like a good Americanization of the James Bond series of films (despite the fact that it was made by the same ppl who made "The Fast and the Furious").  Well, once again headed to the bathroom post-cinematic-experience to relieve myself of this Large Soda when J steps up to the Urinal next to me (different J this time) and I turn to him and say:  "Boy, I am glad I finally got to see that..........the Movie I mean."  J, having heard the other tales, took a few moments off from life to just stand there at an urinal laughing.  
  "You should forget her. All she ever does is dick you over for the same old jerk, over and over and over. Olive doesn't deserve you, Popeye. Never has."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was asked if these moments I post are true. Son, I've done some pretty low things, but I've never lied on the Brow.  
  Idle hands spend time at the genitals, I can certainly vouch for that.  
  I'm doing a lot of coke and spitting the drainage in to a cup ( i know this is unusual, but it makes me puke so i spit instead of swallow)  I accidentally spit in my cup of soda, which is right next to my spit cup.  So which is more lowbrow, the fact that I spit in the wrong cup or the fact that I continued to drink the spit-in soda?  
  In my production 1 class in college I actually got the whole class, professor included into a conversation about Little Kim getting a quart of semen pumped out of her stomache  I knew it wasn't true but just to hear the teacher talking about it was great.    
       I once had a one night stand with a very attractive young woman.  Right as we started foreplay, I began caressing her boobs and she asked me if I were a doctor.  I am.  She  said that she could tell by the way I touched her tits.    
  I hate him.  He hates me.  all we do is argue.    But thats what you get for having a bitch as a fuck partner.   Last night he fingered me with his middle finger..  i wonder what he was trying to say to me.  
  When I first started going to the gym, I used to swim with the senior citizens early in the morning, so there was someone I could be faster than.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes it seems to take more than one step to create a *REALLY* special lowbrow moment.    Step One:  Talking on the phone to some guy nightly until 4 am when I have to work at 8 am.   Step Two:  ACTUALLY giving up sex for two weeks, to prove to this guy (that I have never even met) that I can go without sex.  (No sorry, that's not the lowbrow part just yet.)    Step Three:  Make sure the guy NOT ONLY is someone from the Internet, but make it SUPER pathetic by starting all this due to the fact he liked my lowbrow moments.     And yet...that's STILL not the worst part.  The worst part is I didn't realize it until we stopped talking completely.  I think if I EVER give my phone number to a lowbrow male again...I may have to stop visiting lowbrow.com forever.  Soooooo lowbrow.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               I put peanut butter on my penis, and had my dog lick it off.  That low enough for you?  
  I once spent 2 hours talking a friend of mine out of joining a frat.   She eventually became a lesbian.  Some people are just born joiners.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ithaca graffiti:  "BREAD NOT BOMBS"  "TRIED BREAD -- FOUND DID NOT EXPLODE"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         eh, I let my dog walk around, and he took a shit on my neighbor's sidewalk.   So I walked in the garage looking for a shovel to toss it somewhere else.  This wakes my mom up, I guess.  She stumbles over.  "Did the dog go?"  "Yeah on the neighbor's sidewalk. Where's the shovel."  "I don't know, just leave it."  "k, mom."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         so i work for a legal firm that represents a huge corporation thats gettin sued.  all the work has been done but the lawsuit drags on.  so i get paid very well to do absolutely nothing.  and i work out of my house.  do the math.  want to know who pays me?  you do.    life as a parasite is very hard to justify ideologically.  but who cares?  
   Commuting By Motorcycle In Boston  (Did it for five years, and I'm amazingly still alive) Late for work, I rush out and ride downtown fast. Suzuki doesn't sound too good.  Much  louder than normal. Shit, the damn thing is almost new! I can't deal with that right now - I have to get to work. Flying through the Combat Zone (Chinatown with hookers added), a cop pulls me over. Oh shit, I was probably speeding, but I don't need this, I need to get to work. He comes up slow (Get a move on! Give me the goddam ticket!) and asks for the usual papers. Me: "I'm sorry, officer, if I was speeding - I just need to get to work." He: "You weren't speeding, but where's your helmet?" My hands grab my hair, and I look truly amazed.  That  was why the engine was so loud! I guess my surprise was real enough that he believed me. He laughed, and told me just to park it. Nice cop.  
  For one hundred dollars you can buy sex, drugs, or murder.  You can buy another human's dignity. You cannot buy shoes.    
  me me me me me me me me sitting here with the glazedoverlook and theemptyhandpokerface listening to this bitch sell me some shit about how ultimatelyfantastic she is all i could think of was damn that tune gets so old so quickly me like she has any idea who she is        
  the local gay bar i frequent now has male stippers on saturday nights...  i like taking attractive, straight women with me..  all the strippers are straight and flock to any vagina in the room...  i am suddenly surrounded by hunky, muscle-boys, and all the other fags in the room are glaring at me...  they're just mad they didn't think of it first...  
    On one hand, it's criminally expensive to live in NJ, especially if you own a car.   On the other hand, there's a ridiculous amount of free-range venison to be had, especially if you own a car.  
  "*I'll* take care of it," he told me crisply, marching over to the stove where the coffee had evaporated and burned inside the glass caraffe.  "Whattya bet me that idiot is gonna plunge the whole thing under cold water", I mused to myself. "Nah," I reasoned,  "he's not *that*  stu--" [Faucet squeak, running water, crack, shatter, tinkle] "--pid?"         
  i showed my girlfriend the messege i wrote about my (aptly named) limp dick problem.  she read the part where i referred to her as the "best fuck i've ever had." she smiled and gave me a big hug, and said, "that's really sweet, in a weird, fucked up, you kinda way."  
  When I heard that my last stick of gum and been "liberated" from my book bag, it was just like being kicked in the nuts.  You stand there in disbelief for a few seconds and next thing you know,  you are on the floor crying for the next 10 minutes.  I didn't cry though...Crying is for wusses.  
  So I was talking to my friend Mike the other day, and he decieds to tell me something he had ealier that week, that was possibly the most disturbing thing either of us have heard. He said he heard these cheerleaders talking about having sex on their period, no big deal right. Well then one of the chicks says "Yah after I have sex while on my period the blood changes colors....to like green and yellow". Has ANYONE out there EVER heard of this happening....cuz I seriously think this girl has type of a fungis.  
  Cybersex    Shit    I cant fucking type one handed        
  My brother and I have the same favorite teacher: Frau. She's a short, spunky woman with spiky hair and a German accent. She loves us like her own blonde ADD children and accepts our slacker tendencies with mild ridicule.I once turned in a paper to her about a week and a half late. My punishment? She pulled my braided pigtails and called me a weasel.  She also lives just a short distance down the road from us. One night, my brother was screwing around with his phone and accidentally put it in Russian. Once he fixed it, I tried to convince him that we should put it in German and run down to Frau's house in a frenzy screaming "BITTAAAAA!!!! BITTAAAAA!!!!"* and throwing things at the windows. Frau would've loved it.  * Bitta = "please".. the only German word that my brother could recall.  
  Find out how fast the cat is before you chase it with the lawnmower. You don't really want to do that much clean-up, you really really don't.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The graphic artists that had my job before me had a sens of humor when it came to labelling the backup disks. Disc 16 is called Sexteen Disk 18 is called 18 and Legal Disc 9 is called disc 9 in your mouth The the best was the backup file named for a church design that read lord make us blablablabla  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So, I head out this afternoon, wading through the smattering of people just coming back from the funeral (I'm not crashing this party, I just want to go home).  And I get out to the parking garage, only to find I've locked my keys in the car.  So, I call a friend to bring me a spare key, and twenty-five minutes later, when I get in, I find that I left the lights on, and now the battery's dead.  So, now I have to call my friend back, to come here again, this time with jumper cables.     I feel like an idiot.     And it's Friday.        
  i once made kraft dinner, but was out of butter.  so I used mayonnaise instead.  The world is full of such sorrow.  
  I'm in a Greyhoud Bus Station and it's very very late.  I go into the men's room and am stopped at the sinks by a Shouty Man who trottles a small brown paper bag at me.  "WANNA BUY SOME SPAM? THREE DOLLARS," he shouts and peels the bag away, revealing the blue and yellow tin within.  "Ah... no thanks," I say, eager to piss and get back on the bus.  "BUT IT'S THE GOOD SPAM," shouts Shouty Man.  "Well, if it's the GOOD Spam," I say while digging into my pockets.    
  An actual conversation with one of our customers:  her - "Do you guys have mailboxes where I can pick up my mail, or is it all online?" me - "Your email, ma'am?" her - "Yes, my email." me - "No, ma'am, it's all online."  
  "Why haven't you submitted a happy lowbrow moment?" Dianne asked.  I'm not sure. I guess I thought my comically-morose events were more in the spirit of the proceedings.  "You know, you've been around for most of my happy lowbrow moments," I said.  She took that for the compliment it was.  
  so my friend and i have big egos or something, and try to drive up to vermont-ish area from jersey in one big drive-all-through-the-night session in my 87 volvo station wagon. not the warmest thing in the world. the heat works fine, but we kinda burned it out. we had sleeping bags in the back so we could sleep when we got there. we figured we'd park the car in a lot somewhere and sleep. we're driving around at 3 something in the morning after driving from about 3 pm the night before or something, and can't find a damn place to park. oh, by the way, it's snowing so goddam much i can't even see where i'm going.   so we find a motel thats down a hill a bit, and figure thats a spot where random cars would be parked. we dont have money to actual go into the motel. so we drive down, but realize that there really arent as many spaces as we thought, and theres no room for us. so we try to pull out of the place, but its up an icy hill. we rock the car back and forth, skidding all over the damn place. we eventually get the car into a rut that is not movable by our pathetic muscles or the car's pathetic engine, which happens to be right in the middle of the fucking entrance/exit to the lot. we're parked on a diagonal in the middle of this retarded place.   we eventually say fuck it, write a note that says, "sorry.. we're lost and got stuck. knock on window to wake us up." and go to bed. freezing our fucking asses off in the car.  morning comes (like 2 hours later) when we hear some rapping at the window. its a man in shorts and a t-shirt, pointing to the note and motioning for us to put the window down. my friend doesn't even respond. the man is some really freaking cheerful british dude, willing and able to solve our problem for us. he looked a bit scrawny, but i figured with our combined strength we could all push the car up the hill. he tells me no, turn the engine, drive here, yes thats it, now back, and up. done and done. he gets us up the hill in less than a minute. while being ridiculously cheerful and happy at the same time at 6 or whatever in the morning while we prevented everyone from leaving early. amazing.   needless to say, the people in vermont are really friendly fucks, and we're just fucks. maybe we'll shell out a couple bucks for a real place to stay next time it's zero degree weather out and actually not get pneumonia.  
  The nite before a Pharmacology final exam, my room-mate and I were studying together in the living room.  While I had stacks of books and papers and charts and notes, he only had a thin sheaf of typed pages.  He read these through a few times whilst eating ice cream and then went to sleep very early.  After the exam, we passed in the hall and he said, Damn, I think I missed one.  Did you see where they changed the wording on that question?.... Uh I gotta run. bye.  The fucker was cheating off of back tests and didn't share them with me.  His room-mate.  He was President of the class then too.  Now, he's not a Dentist anymore.  The State Board gave him an exam he couldn't fake.  Karma rules.  
  There was a guy who I thought was my friend. He treated me like shit. He would always make fun of me, set me up to be humiliated, laugh at my mistakes and often, when accused of something, would lay the blame on me. Finally my nuts appeared out of nowhere and I realized I hated the motherfucker. So I just stopped communicating with him. I haven't talked to him in months. A friend told me that the motherfucker said he thinks I've become more quiet because my grandfather died. I guess he just can't understand that he's an asshole.  
  Drunk people are funny, they seem to think that you are the one who cant see or hear. Otherwise why would they get right in your face and talk like your 20 feet away?        
  I just ran into a crazy black homeless guy who's pretty funny.  I see him and he's yelling at some girls, so I say "Hi."  He comes over, "What's it take to get a driver's license?"  I reckon you just go down to the DMV and take a test.  "Do they tell you to run over niggers?"  No, not that I remember.  Then he mooched some change off me and wanted to know if I wanted to go drinking with him.  I should be off in an alley drinking with that guy, but instead I'm here at work.  
  The doctor across the hall (a GP) walks across the street and behind that building to sneak his smokes.  Why do so many doctors smoke, when the first thing they tell you to do is quit?  Oh, your ankle is sprained? Do you smoke? You need to quit, now excuse me, I need a puff...  
  When I was in college, me, my gf and two other friends went to visit a friend of ours up in NoCal where he was going to school. We rented a hotel room, bought a couple bottles of VONS tequilla (one gold, one silver), one of those plastic limes filled with "lime juice" and a couple sixers of Bacardi Breezers. Man I drank some stupid shit when I was younger.  A little over an hour later, after all the booze was gone, I found myself in the bathroom with my gf asking me to fuck her in the ass. I was excited. I'd thought it would be much harder to get the okay for something like that. Y'know what? I couldn't do it. No lube. You need lube if you're going to try to get into a butthole for the first time. This all makes sense in hind-sight.  My evening ended with me nude in the bath tub, laying in a mixture of water and puke a couple inches deep, flicking chunks of the Whopper I'd eaten for dinner that evening. I simply could not stand up.  I really miss that girl.  
  I am repeatedly told by the citizens of my ultra-right-wing rural small town that I am going to hell for what I believe in (basically, being non-Christian).  However, over several years of dealing with this, I have a reply that I give, verbatim, to anyone who tries that shit on me.  "I highly doubt that, since your own bigotry will probably land you on the front burner in the first place.  But if 'God' is so cruel as to send me, a basically good albeit possibly confused person, to hell, I'll make the most of it.  I figure I'll kiss Satan's ass while I'm down there and make it on to one of the Executive Councils of Cardinal Sins, probably Lust.  That way, I can coerce hot, nubile young demons to perform sexual acts on me for all eternity.  That's a close enough approximation to heavern for me."  They are left jabbering every time.  
  Late one night years ago with Bill (the drummer) we decide to set up and leave a video camera running and jam in the living room - just he and I.  So.  We let the camera run and at one point I make a crass comment about our mutual friend Gil.  A good guy and our often host.  An offhanded and drunken thing to say.  Unfounded and in passing.  A year or so later we're all cocked at Gil's house watching the  hey look what I found   tape and sure enough that little comment which I have zero recollection of but of course I said it.  Haneous.  Though he was more fucked up than anyone else he caught it and I saw him give me a glance.    It didnt seem to change things between us but whether or not he thought of it I did.  I wanted to apologize but never did.  He was killed about six months later in a motorcycle accident at the ripe old age of twenty seven.  I drove a hundred plus miles home for his wake where I learned I would be a pallbearer. That night I slept in the backseat of my car out at the ruins of the old Indian village behind his trailer.  It was still summer and wet and foggy and in the crumpled morning the gold and pre-autumn grasses looked like South Dakota or so I imagined.    It sucked.    
  had just finished fucking her doggystyle when she got up to go have a smoke she kinda waddled, and i made some comment about it her reply: "well shit it felt like you were stabbing me in the heart with your dick!" now i know i'm not huge... but damn that girl knows how to boost an ego  
  passive aggresive   "well, if things had been different" she said to me, my heart falling in shards though my fingers "but well, no looking back."  she meant it in a positive way.  i pissed in her gas tank.  
  I cut my right hand really bad with the table saw the other day.  My first thought: "How the fuck am I gonna jack off now?"    
  How to quit smoking effectively: 1 Develop a coke habit 2 Quit that (really quit, though) 3 Realize how easy quitting smoking can be   
  I used to date this guy for about 9 months and we used to use IM to have cyber sex (but we dated for real-not just some Internet thing) just we both traveled a lot because of work.   I broke up with the guy, but every once in a while when someone IMs me like a pavlovian response, I get a little wet.  
  "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup" If this is true, kill yourself now.  
  My dad shoved a handful of peanuts into his mouth and then climbed into the car where myself, my sister, and my mother were waiting to go to g-ma's for Christmas. Then my mom goes "what's that smell" and I immediatly respond "dad's nuts." Oblivious at first to the blatant sexual innuendo that came out of my mouth my mother and sister were laughing at me,  so I think that I am going to make ammends by going, "at least I didn't say grandpa's nuts." Wish you coulda seen the peanut bits come flying outta dad's nose...   
  I lived in the country for a few years.  My family did not own a farm nor own any farm animals. One Winter night after the bar, I got a ride home with a friend.  Standing at the end of my driveway was a pig.  A big pig. It wouldn't move for the truck.  I had an idea:  I'll get out and move it.  It wouldn't even move for me.  Next thing you know, I've got my pecker out and I'm pissing on the pigs back.  With steam rolling off its back, the pig left my driveway.  
  so i decide to bake a bunch of popcorn shrimp for dinner, and top it off with a bit of cocktail sauce. 10-14 minutes my ass.  after about 10, my apartment is filled with black smoke and the smoke alarm goes crazy.  everything smells charred now. i tried to open the cocktail sauce, and the top exploded all over my newly washed dishes, down my hands, onto the silverwear in the open drawer below. so now i'm sitting here in my underwear, smelling crispy, eating frozen popcorn shrimp straight from the bag and dipping it in the remains of the lukewarm cocktail sauce. i need to meet a chick who knows how to cook.  this is pathetic  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i have found a way to piss off drivers worse than the middle finger, worse than tailgating, worse than flashing your brights incessently in their rearview mirror.    when you pass someone, roll down your window, stick your arm out, and violently shake your fist at them (it works even better if you have many people in your car).    on our way to cedar point some guy got so pissed at us he wanted us to pull over and fight him.    i think i had more fun doing that than i did the whole day at the amusement park.  
  sitting there in the silence in virginia at night near hawksbill and overnighting in the scrub this profound silence filled the cooling dark and my ears made up sounds just to fill the void see there are no people to reflect off of and no constant stuggle with humans to define you and hide behind you are you like it or not some people can lie through that too i guess but scrapes me down to brittle bone a herd of very tame deer strolled through they arent very reflective but their silence made me smile        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I like to masterbate at work, at my desk. It gets slow, and I really go to work.  
  I've been reading lowbrow for about 15 minutes now, and have yet to read a moment by ee, limbo, ladeefrickinda, or cheerleaderatyercrotch. something is gravely wrong  
  The slimey part of town. A run-down strip club. Worn-out girls who look older than they are. Low-life clientele drinking cheap scotch or shitty beer (or both). And a couple college kids like me there for the spectacle. Lots of drink to be had. Not much food except for hot dogs in a steamer. Hmmm. the strippers all stick hot-dogs up their twat as part of their show. Rumour has it that they put them back in the steamer.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So it's the first day of college orientation and to break up the monotony of about 5,372 speakers, the administration has arranged for the campus improv group to come entertain us for a few minutes.   They run through a few games and then, in the spirit of audience participation, start asking us to yell out words, two-syllable words, words that rhyme with "right", etc, and writing them all down. Then one of the guys says, "So how about a word that starts with 'G'?" There is a brief pause, then a resounding voice from the middle of the rows of chairs yells out, "Jesus!"  Everyone whirls around to see who it is. As if we needed to. Sure enough, a full-ride scholarship football player. Hooray for higher education.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Slightly drunk girls are cute. Drunk girls are annoying. Really drunk girls are pathetic. Extremely drunk girls might screw me.  
  So, here's my funny story:  Last night I went to my kickboxing class.  Like usual we spent the first 45 minutes doing our bag work, etc.   Then we got geared up for sparring. Now, there is this great guy named Tom in my class, and before class he had been telling us that he'd had a stomach ache all day, but didn't want to miss class and was feeling much better.     So, we rotated our sparring partners, and about three partners in, Tom and I get matched up. Now, you may or may not know this, but I am an  extremely competitive person. And Tom knows, that and is always talking smack to me about how he's gonna kick my ass.     So, as soon as we started, I decided that I would finally have to  open a little can of "whoop-ass" on Tom. Right as he started to move in on me, I lifted my leg and laid a sidekick on him. Right in the stomach! Tom fell on his ass. But wait, it gets better.....     How do I say this....well here you go....Tom shit his pants like no  one has ever shit their pants before. That's right, I literally kicked the shit out of him! And boy, did that shit stink!     The guy ran of to the bathrooms with his hand plugging his ass-hole.  I swear to god, it was like something out of a Farrely Brothers movie. But wait....there's more!     Then Mary, who is a bit of a flake, got ill from the smell, and puked all over the floor! She definitely didn't make it to the restroom in time! Man, there was shit and puke all over the place!....     Needless to say, we got the hell out of there, and class was cut  short last night. Evidently they called in a cleaning crew to clean up allthat shit and puke!     Yup, it was an adventure!   
  I would like to elaborate on a previous suggestion of freezing bees so they can be kept on leashes. If you froze a great number of bees, you could then attach them (superglue?) to various aerodynamic contraptions you have constructed. Maybe horseflies would have more power though.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sitting on the Santa Monica Pier , early one morening, sipping at a double latte in a paper cup, I looked out to the ocean hoping to gain insight to the day. Then a homeless guy wheeling a bubble making machine behind him and past me in the fresh breeze showed me more         
  The floortiles in the bathroom in my college dorm were really interesting. Three or four different sized tiles, at least three different colors, all aranged together into a cool tesselating patterns.  They provided my mind with countless hours of occupation, trying to see different letters of the alphabet and images and all sorts of other junk within their tesselations. The tiles in the bathroom at work are all 12" whitish and boring as hell. I need to start bringing novels to work with me so i have something to think about while i'm dropping friends off at the pool.  
  alright look cybersex is masturabation that has been rationalized into some sort of social event between two people big deal but for crissakes when the ignorant bitch fucks up her family two kids and lessthanperfectbutagoodguy husband for quote an online relationship i mean whatthefuck         
  So, I meet this girl and she seems pretty cool.  She invites me to be her date to a wedding somewhere in Buffalo for some friends of hers and we proceed to get totally hosed at the reception and after hours.  We get back to the hotel, have some crazy jungle sex, and then promptly pass out.  I wake up the next morning and discover that I'm wet.  I think to myself, "Oh fuck, I wet the bed.  How am I gonna explain this?"  Except, it wasn't me.  It was her.  So I walk around to the other side of the bed to wake her up and tell her that she needs to take care of some stuff and I discover that she did a little more than just wet the bed.  She lost all control of her bodily functions and shit the bed too.  So, I wake her up and tell her I'm going downstairs to take advantage of the free breakfast and I'll be back in an hour.  Plenty of time to handle the situation I'm thinking.  I come back about an hour and a half later, stuffed, and she's still in the bathroom.  The room smells like ass, litterally.  She comes out, gets dressed, and just pulls the covers up.  We then go downstairs so she can check out.  The guy asks, "How was your stay?"  "Oh,  it was fine, thanks."  Pays her bill and we leave.  She didn't say a goddamn thing about the shit and puddle of piss in/on the bed at all.  Just fucking walked out.  I cut her loose a couple days later.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know, just because a girl's nipples are on, it doesn't mean she's horny or thinking about sex.  Nipples also respond to temperature, slight touches, fear, anxiety, or anything else that produces adrenaline.  Mine turn on at random times during the day for no good reason at all.  I like to think they're just being polite and saying hello to people.  
  "I've been playing with myself and I swear, I'm a lot better!"  Later I find out he meant poker... drat.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Thinking back to the time period when I was 19-20 and jumped the number on my "list" from 7 to 25 in one year...  I once fucked a guy (or should I say, he fucked me, in a restaurant bathroom.  It was the ladies room, I lost an earring down the toilet, I still have the match.  He went by his middle name, he wasn't very good but I fucked him 2 other times because although he was engaged, he was around when I was with my friends.  
  I got a call of a drunk man trying to commit suicide, i say trying because he was going to jump off of an old outhouse.    
  It was bound to happen...I got busted for downloading Hentai porn at work (I work for MSN tech support...)  I tried to tell them that it was work related and I was just trying to see if the site was up or not, but its kind of hard to convince managers when you have your dick in your hand...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         (My mishaps with glass part 3 of 4)  After school at the teen center. Theres long windows there, and I spy a girl writing on one with a marker. (we were allowed to doodle on the windows and walls)  She doesn't see me so I sneak up, jump as high as I can, and tap the window right where her face is to give her a scare.  And of course, the glass breaks.  No shards got in her eyes, and after everyone calmed down we managed to ascertain that the only cuts she had gotten where from glass falling into her shirt.  I smirked and asked "Want me to get those out for you?"  
  I have concluded that everyone (including me) employed at my place of employment is a whiny, lazy bitch.         
  Today, as I waited in line to get food, I noticed a sign above some cookies that read "Fat Free."  Why eat a cookie if it's fat-free?        
  one time we were camping, and we ran out of tortillas for our quesadillas and we were still damned hungry  so we took the rest of the 5-lb block of monterey jack and fried it up straight  a big cheese amoeba, that was.  
  So I was dating a pastors daugter for 8 months. It was taking forever to convince her to break her in, but after whoa, she turns into a freak.  She ends up convincing me to fuck her in her father's church.  I can only hope God forgives.  
  I was so excited that he was going to be at this party! I wore a red dress and no underwear, just in case. Talking to him out on the patio, one of our host's dogs I'd been petting suddenly flipped up the hem of my dress, stuck his snout right in my crotch and started licking!!!!! I screamed so loud, not just at the eager canine tongue, but 'cause his eyes nearly popped right out of his head. (And yeah, he took his cue from the dog that night.)        
   The Telemarketers Strike Back  I thought that all telemarketers were humourless drones. Not so. News article: Cynthia Bell, an assistant district attorney for Travis County, Tex., and her husband began telling unwanted callers that the party they were seeking had died. They tried to outdo each other, spinning tales of toppling refrigerators and runaway recycling trucks. They amused themselves until one day Ms. Bell received a letter from a credit card company notifying "the estate of Cynthia Bell" that her card was being canceled. Ms. Bell called to explain that she was, in fact, alive. But a few months later she received a second notice of her death from the company, and simply canceled the card. That was the end of it, she thought. But a few days after the second letter, she received yet another telemarketing call at home. "This guy," she said, "was hawking tombstones."   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i skipped my second class today to buy porn so that i'd have something to do on my day off.  
  I quit smoking after my second stint in the hospital for pnenomonia and plurasy at age 29. Three weeks later I'm chewing nicotine gum and wearing the patch...  I have been using my rolling papers to make cigarettes from the leftover butts from my Halloween party....Almost out of buts...what then  
  A friend of mine told me that there had been a breakthrough with AIDS research. He was so excited, a possible vaccine for one of the worst diseases ever.  My first thought was "Wow. We found a way to cheat natural selection yet again. Take that nature."  
  Internet Startups:  Concentration camps with better sanitation and stock options.  "Work Will Set You Free"     
   Hudson River Tales: Striped Bass   (Just a short setup: bear with me)  Wonderful article in the NY Times about the recovery of the striped bass population in the Hudson River. Seems they're polluted with PCBs but they don't do the fish any harm. But PCBs can be fatal to children and fetuses, so fishing for them was banned. So the population recovered. Guy writing the article gets very fanciful: "Suppose that people were in the position of striped bass. Aliens   to whom we are the equivalent for striped bass, in both intelligence and taste   came to Earth to harvest us by the hundreds of millions.  This went on for many generations until the human population was really dwindling, at which point the aliens realized that the exhaust from their spaceships included a chemical that accumulated in our tissues and posed a danger to them. What would they do? Turn to catch and release, probably.  Oddly this is an exact description of alien abductions, which makes you wonder: do fish have trouble making other fish believe that they have been hooked, reeled in, photographed, and then, inexplicably, released?"  
  Maryland's age of consent is 16.  I always tell people not to ask how I know...just because that sounds more interesting, and makes them wonder. But honestly, they post all of them at www.ageofconsent.com.  It's always good to do research before fucking a 17 year old.   
  Every so often I can an IM from some one with a real ditzy girl type screenname, something along the lines of rubberducky69 or skittlechick.  The intro is always the same, "hey I got your name from a friend and just decided to IM you lol!"  Ten seconds later who ever it is asks for my picture and sends me a pic of cheerleader or a hooters girl.  Then the person either signs off or propositions me for cyber sex.  I can't help but think they are all the same bald, 45 year old man in a mustard stained wife-beater and boxers.  
  Being a poor student my roomate had precious little money. Being the end of exams he blows his few remaing dollars on a dozen beers for the end of term party.   Upon getting to the party the beers are consumed and memory starts to fade. He remembers snipets, like getting tequila laybacks from a drench gun (the kind they dose cattle with) and being given other assorted booze by friends and aquaintences.  In the morning he comes to with an approprately awful hangover, lying in the bathtub covered in his own vomit. What separates this night as special from the others is that in the course of the evening he had lost ALL his clothes, every stich, and come back wearin a nurses uniform (1 size too small)and with $5 in the pocket.  He had no money when he left.....  
  He must have not of known that just because he was sitting in a semi-private area didn't mean people couldn't see him.  There I sat, watching him dig deeper and deeper into his nose.  Upon discovery, he slowly slid his finger into his mouth and sucked the gooey goodness off of it.  He slowly moved his hand to his notebook and glanced over, in my direction.  I didn't even bother to pretend that I wasn't watching the whole time.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was at some party once, frying up all the bacon i could find in the fridge, when the host (someone i didn't know) came in looking real pissed and complaining that he'd just spilled bong water on his pants.  there it was, a big, slightly discoloured wet mark on his jeans. i said 'relax, we've all gotten a bit of BH 2 O on ourselves once or twice.'  'no, you don't understand,' said a girl next to me. 'he's been using the same bong water for a long time.'  'yeah,' says he, 'i haven't changed it in about a year. see?' i looked, and recoiled at the mouldy brown semi-liquid and its unbelievably repulsive smell.  i think he had to throw out the pants. the bacon just didn't taste the same after that.  
  A recent fixture in the parking garage near our firm:  Brand spankin' new SUV. Black and chrome; with all the gadgets and doodads and add-ons.  Jesus fish on the back bumper Next to an NRA membership tag And a "Keep honking, I'm reloading" bumpersticker.  Did I meantion that it is *always* parked [illegally] in a handicapped space?  Just sorta begs for commentary, doesn't it? Naw. Too easy.  
  I saw the dirty sock sticking out of the t-shirt on the floor, but I let her start to put it on anyways, hoping that it would get stuck in her face... and I was not disappointed.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         It was disappointing to find out my sister had reacted to motherhood in an odd way- she had become a Politically Correct Tightass.  I discovered this at Thanksgiving dinner, when I came downstairs and found her lecturing her 4 year old on the meaning of Thanksgiving.  As she lost him in the required "poor oppressed Native Americans" PC babble, he finally got in a question: "But where are the Indians NOW, mommy?"  And I answered for her: "we kicked their ass, took their land, and ran them off to live elsewhere, because we won! Never be ashamed of being part of the winning team." She turned purple. 1. Bet she never asks me to watch her kids. 2. Bet she never brings up the Jewish holocaust stuff either. Can't wait for Christmas.   
  I once made my boyfriend come so hard, when he tried to sit up afterward he fell nose first, ass up into a foot-deep pile of dirty underwear next to his bed. I laughed so hard I farted.  If you read this honey, remember I love you very much.  
  I don't find men attractive, really.  But when it's closing time, I'm getting laid either way.  The way I see it, it's like stopping by Taco Bell because all the good restaurants are closed. I pity the people who just go home and make a sandwich.   
  One time when I was walking down the hall at college, I noticed a cute girl, and turned my head, looking behind me, so I could continue looking at her.  Not looking where I was going, I walked right into a big concrete pillar.  The girl kinda giggled, cause she knew that I walked into the pillar because I was staring at her. At least thats what I tell people.  The real reason I turned around wasn't to look at the cute girl.  There was a bake sale going on, and I was looking at a big table full of cookies. . . Come on, I have my priorities  
  Knowing that my assistant is going to be informed that she will no longer have a job in a week is tearing me up.  Her fault. I know that.  That knowledge doesn't help, though.  I'm on my second three-finger drink of Jose Quervo Gold, anticipating tomorrow when she is informed.  The drinks are not helping. I won't sleep much tonight.  
  I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's house, even though he still lives with his family, because they have food there.  We usually hang out in his room, but he has a 12-year-old brother who likes to burst in and show us shit.  Telling him to knock first hasn't worked.  Sometimes we're doing it sideways on the bed under the covers (shirt on, skirt hiked up) and the little brother will come in.  My boyfriend stays inside me and moves around slowly fucking me while his brother shows me his latest batch of Pokemon cards.  
  The water heater broke last night. No hot water this morning for a shower, so extra cologne was in order.  Landlord promised to have someone come by tonight at about 6 or so to fix it. He never showed.  Its now almost 9 PM and I havent had a shower for almost two full days.  The solution?  -4 pots of water on the stove -1 bowl of water in the microwave -1 coffee pot running non-stop (without grounds....)  Dad, thanks for all the camping trips...I learnt somethin'!  
  browsing lowbrow instead of writing the two papers that are due in about 36 hours, all i can think is that this is better than actually doing my homework, but far, far inferior to buttsex.  
  I went to the post office to get stamps a bit after Christmas. This is the conversation with the woman behind the counter:  Me: Hi, may I have 20 1st class stamps please? Her: I have Madonna and child, are those okay? Me: They put Madonna and her kid on a stamp? Do you have any Springsteen or Clapton?   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i was sitting next to my boyfriend in the movie theater when the "two towers" preview came on. suddenly, i see his mouth open wide and his eyes roll back into his head.  i've seen him make that face before, but not while watching a movie.  
  Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I'll be watching you...  Hello!!! Can you say, "Restraining Order!"        
  The bank unknowingly gave me a whole roll of silver quarters, all from before 1963, some from the 1920's, and when I found out, all I could think was "Great. NOW what am I going to use for laundry?!"        
  I was sitting at some burger joint on the atlantic ocean eating a half pound of beef and enjoying my corona moment watching the waves crash in. 5 beers later and I'm trying to body serf and not throw up the gallon of seawater that got forced down my throught.  
  The absolute realization that the only reason I have been successful in life is due to the fact that I am blonde, very attractive, and slender.  The intelligence was looked at later.  
  Customer Service Hell:  husband: your prod-uct din't work for mah wife. in fact, she gained five pounds.  me: i'm sorry to hear it hasn't worked out. maybe i can help...   husband: lemme put her on the phone.  wife: hello?  me: hi ma'am. I'd like to help you with the use of our product, so you can loose those extra pounds. tell me what a normal lunch is for you.  wife: spaghetti with carbonara sauce, some bread, vegatables.  me: uhm. how about dinner?  wife: bacon cheeseburger, fries, a salad maybe.  me: well, if you're looking to loose weight, ma'am, I would suggest you cut back on the fat in your diet.  wife: bullsh*t.   I talk to people like this all day.  
  I lost my virginity in my ultra-Christian roommate's bed whent eh last thing she said to me before she left for break was "don't have sex in my bed."  
  I masturbate to Zelda's pointy polygon boobs.        
  Everyday.  Hey baby--let's have sex.  Hey baby--lookin' sexy.  So one night, I got really drunk off 50 proof vodka and I tried to let him.  He puked and I went home.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the real world, we have shit, phlegm, mold, and all sorts of disgusting stuff.  But in the electronic world, we have Run Time errors, core dumps, intermittent bugs, system violations and all sorts of code errors.  At least it doesn't take 20 hours of tedious work to figure out exactly where you shit in your pants.  
  Open letter:  Would it really kill people who shop in supermarkets, discount stores, etc., to wheel their shopping cart(s) back to the rack, rather than leaving them in the parking space next to where they parked? Especially when abandoning it means it takes up  two  parking spaces that could be used if the driver(s) trying to park had Indy-500-level driving skills?  (For those of you wondering if I'm talking to you: if you have to ask, then the answer might as well be yes.)  
  everyone was jealous because I aced every test without even studying.  I smiled at my teacher, who thrusted his hips, referring to the time we had sex in the boys bathroom before school.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Your search - "i am fucking lonley" - did not match any documents.    The alternate search- "i am fucking lonely" - also did not match any documents.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My brother is so weird.  He likes to lick random things.  One time we were walking down the street next to the floor-to-ceiling window of a coffee shop.  We could see the people inside enjoying their coffee and bagels and reading the newspaper.  On a whim, my brother walks right up to the outside of the window, presses himself against it in a sexually suggestive way, and *licks* the friggin window.  Not just like a little lick.  Like he stuck his tongue all the way out and dragged it up and down and in circles on the glass.  Think about how gross this is.  On that window, there was exhaust from passing cars, stale cigarette smoke from people smoking on the corner, and God knows how many people stopped there and sneezed.  Filthy.  Ewww.  The best part of this shocking display was the look on the faces of the poor people inside.  I have never seen anyone look so utterly disgusted and weirded-out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, > it deosn't mttaer in waht > oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt > tihng is taht the frist > and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can > be a total mses and you > can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae > the huamn mnid deos not > raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a > wlohe. >  >   >   >   cool huh?    
  When I would watch the cheerleaders and spandex dancers on the football field for crappy pep rallies, I always wanted a Kong-sized Satan to erupt out of the ground and start stuffing handfuls of screaming sex objects in his mouth.         
  After fifteen months and three days of trying to file a long-term disability claim (hence the blizzard of moments I post here), it gets turned down. So I go to the local Unemployment office to file a claim. She: "It's all done by 'phone, these days." She hands me a pamphlet explaining how. I'd rather do it online, if possible, so I find the site, which says: "Please call 1-888-..." I call. Recorded message: "Please file new claims on the Web." I try the address the message gave me. The site is down. I check with their provider: The site has been down since May. NY Governor Pataki sure knows creative ways to trim the state budget. I wonder if he ever read "Catch-22." Besides, the pamphlet tells me that the limit for filing is 15 months...  
  "Were both delusional" I said "just differently.   My   delusion is that you would be better off with me than with anyone else in the world.  " Your   delusion is that I'll still be waiting right here the day you decide your good and ready for me."  Check.  "Well, no." she said   "It's when I realize that I'm never going to meet anyone else and that I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone."  Mate.  I must say I prefered my version of her delusion.  Say that five times fast.   
  People always look at my hair, which is about 2 inches below my shoulder blades, and say "you have great hair, what do you do?". I tell them I just use regular shampoo, nothing else. I don't tell them about the pain of pulling a couple of hairs out of your asscrack after you get done toweling off after the shower, and find that it somehow managed to get all the way from your lower back, all the way in between my ass cheeks til it's tucked into my rectum just enough to tickle(who the fuck knows how it got there, I don't even run my towel down my crack), and somehow managed to wrap itself around my cock.   Do you have any idea how painful it is when you pull on a hair that's wrapped around your cock? It's like cutting it with a razor blade. I have to go comb thru my pubes til I find it, and unwrap it from that end, and work my way back. I think I should just shave it all off down there, so I can hunt it down faster.  
  a [female] friend of mine was out in the clubs one night on the prowl.  later, the prey was captured and she was happily off in the corner having a torrid makeout session with some chick she picked up.  however, the prey's girlfriend was not so charmed by said make out session and started giving my friend a hassle about it.  to which my pal replied "look, before you give me a hard time, you should know that i'm either looking for a fuck or a fight and i dont really care which it is".  now that is thinking on your feet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Not my moment...  My friend Maria has this knack for killing rabbits. Almost every rabbit she's ever owned has died from "misterious causes." The last one died on a Sunday, so she called an emergency anmial hospital because our local vet wasn't open on Sundays. The woman on the other end of the line goes on and on about times and payment and legal things. Maria finally asks if they take rabbits and the woman says no, but gives her a number to a specialst that does. Maria calls this number. She gets a country radio station, and they're on the air.  
  Whenever it was boring on a Tuesday night as a kid, my friend and I would go over to the church hall where bingo was being held, stand below one of the open windows and yell, "Bingo!!". The caller would say, "We have a bingo", all of the old ladies would clear their cards. It would take them a while to quite down...........  
  My friend just got his master's degree, and yet he still thinks insurance salesmen would never lie to him. Scary.  
  I think about it almost every day.  Instead of driving to work in the morning, stop off at the bank, pull all the money out of my account, and head for the airport.  Grab a one-way ticket to anywhere they could never find me: Tahiti, Tibet, Grand Cayman, it doesn't matter.  Hopping on that plane and leaving it all behind, bye bye bitchy girlfriend, bye bye crappy job, bye bye pile of debt.  Free and clear, start a new, simple life as a bartender or a monk or something.  Then I go to my crappy job, work all day, and go home to my bitchy girlfriend.   
  I was so hard yesterday for like the whole day. Kind of pissed off about it too. All that dick and no use for it  
  A girl e-mailed me and said she saw my moment here and thinks she's in love with me. Depending on which of the several dozen moments I've spooged onto this thing, she must be crazy, desperate, or perfect.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         haiku:  Giant Dildo Man Fights crime with spermacide lube Banned from Tom's Dry-Clean    
  Fucking-a-tweety GI Joe rules....  When I got back from college and asked my mom where all my GI Joe stuff was she said she thinks she sold it in a garage sale.  I looked up the shit on the internet and found out she had sold $20,000 worth of shit for $10 bucks.  So now I'm collecting the fuckers, and you know what they've got some cool ones.  Who says you have to grow up.  
  I hoped to end the long `dry spell' of dating by taking a slightly  older, but not unattractive woman to a restaurant.  As our dinners arrived, I noticed a friend of mine at a nearby table.  He came up to say hi,   `This is Anne' `Hi.  So, are you a relation?' `What?' `Are you related' `Uh. no. we're... friends' `Oh.'  This exchange cemented in her mind that it was obvious that I was not worthy of going out with people not of my direct blood line.  This might end `however, we had amazing sex anyway', but we didn't.  She never returned my call.  Thanks dude.   
  I am a trained phone monkey for a living.  I call businesses and have snooty secretaries tell me the person I need to speak to is busy.  Should the person be available then no of course they don't have time to do a stupid survey.  If I didn't owe my Dad 1200 bucks and have a cell phone bill on its way I would so quit.    
  "what a great hiding place" i thought to myself as i opened the rusty orange locker in the middle of the steamy girls locker room of the YMCA.. it took my mom 3 hours to find and free me from my temporary imprisonment.. why dont they put handles inside the locker for those of us who get stuck in them?  wretched ymca.  
  Incomplete thoughts of an otherwise gifted writer:  "...for all of time." "It was like a...." "There are three..." "Once a man came to me and said, '...' " "... in all the glory of ....." "Life is like... " "The secret to ... is not .... but .... " "...everywhere... beef patties..."        
  so one day i decied to recreate something i saw on the food network.  I've always loved breaded, deep-fried jalepenos, but never really thought of making them myself.  So i did just what the TV said--cut them, seeded them, battered them...fried them even.  The were awesome.  Everything would have been perfect if only i would have washed me hands before beating-off.  I've never had such an intense sense of warmth "down there".  
  Heh, I had a friend, worked across from one of the twin towers.  As of September 11th no one could figure out where the fuck he was.  We had a funeral and everything.   A month later he walks into my other friends apartment.  He was upstate fishing.  Shithead forgot to tell anyone.  We could make a movie about somthing like that.  
  Planned a party for 2 weeks. Had $400 worth of liquor, 2 kegs filled, rooms all decked out with speaker system filling the house and blacklights everywhere.   Hundreds of people supposed to come throughout the night. Understanding with the cops around aggieville where we live, they wont bother us as long as we cant be heard a block away.  45 minutes before the party starts, Cole gets out of a 30 minute stint in the bathroom, to the effect our houses only toilet was clogged.  Had the first 20 people that showed up scour the neighborhood for someone to lend us a plunger.    At least I didnt have to clean the toilet.  
  I was 17  I was drunk  I was visiting michigan state  I used a stick with gum at the end of it to snatch a random roll of film out of the dropbox.  Unfortunately, it wasnt some guys naked girlfriend....they were photographers photos from their cheap wedding.    Now im 24 and that couple is probably divorced...and never got to see their wedding photos.  I'll bet that photogrpaher got in lots of trouble  
  You better believe it's 10:30 am on a Sunday and I'm sitting in a Bob Evans (conveniently placed across from the Church of Some Saint) with crusted puke in my hair, tits all falling out of my tank top (and yes, it's the one from yesterday, and yes, I did sleep in it) still smelling like Jose.  I love me some home fries.  
  I get pissed off about the  truly  excessive quantity of handicapped parking spots there are in the USA.  Of course, my anger no doubt originated when I got a $100 ticket for being stupid enough to park...  ...my motorcycle in one.      
  Oh, Jeebus save me...  LaDeeFrickinDa has really done it now.  It was bad enough when she was a clever, attractive, promiscuous girl. Now she says she has a cable modem.  
  the salvation army came and picked up my couch.  secretions from myself and at least three women have been on that couch, and that's not counting what my roommate may or may not have done with his girlfriend.  i didn't mention that to the salvation army guys.  it's a tax write-off, after all.  
  Whenever I visit Taco Bell at 2 o clock in the morning, I reflect on how much it must suck to have to work that late.    Not my problem!!        
  I was traveling for an audition at a prestigious conservatory of music.  The train station we stopped at was this little run down shack with two bathrooms, no attendant, and a map on the wall showing train routes. Barely morning, even.  I was in the bathroom, and reading the various graffiti on the walls, when I spot a gem.  Someone had taken their time in the bathroom writing the best bathroom graffiti I've ever seen. "If you must graffiti, relate something interesting. Why must you bemoan & bewail your sordid, puerile love intrigues to the bored impatient train traveler unlucky enough to take a shit & witness these drab cotton-candy accounts of frilly romance. "I myself admit to nothing interesting to relate, save that this diatribe (I am sure) is much more stimulating bathroom material & I also want the chance to say . . .  "WE MUST FIGHT BANALITY!!  -Pierrot Lumiere"  
  i can remember when i was younger and fighting with my sister.  my parents would break it up, an after a stern lecture they'd always throw in, "you should be nice to each other.  your sister will be your best friend some day." at ten, it seemed like bullshit to me. but then the other day, while laughing over a beer with her, she said to me, "phebes, i need dick BADLY." gee, my best friend was never that open with me in the entire seven years i've known her. maybe my parents were right.  
  cheerleader, can i take you out for a guiness, and some foosball? please?!?!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm home for christmas break and am at church (against my will, mind you) and sitting with my friends.  this little shit behind us goes for a double-whammy both hands on the mouth fart noise and cracks up laughing at himself, all at a pretty serious moment in the hubbub of the service.  his mother was very upset.  i'm an intelligent 20 year old guy of reasonable sophistication, so it follows that i should have been appalled at such a juvenile and sophomoric joke.  i should've acted indignant and rolled my eyes and scoffed at the little prick like everyone else.  but god help me, i spent the next 10 minutes suppressing laughter.  it was such a fucking great lowbrow joke.  that must be why i laughed so much and no one else did.  
  the british guy was asking about our visit to this bar where bunches of "professional" girls hang out. he said "i hope you contributed to the local economy...  it'd be rude not to."  
  I was driving her home from the bar. We stopped at her house, and finished our conversation. I think we where talking about authors.   "Good night" she said somewhat apprehensive about what was going to happen.   I shook her hand and said "I'll give you a call some time".  I think we both knew that I was lying.  
  why are blonde jokes so short?  so men can understand them.  har har.  
  I shit into water cleaner than most of the world's population has to drink.....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My xmas bonus this year?  Some self-help books from my boss.  Fuck off, you sanctimonious asshat.  
  "Lazy idiots smoke weed often. But that doesn't mean that smoking weed causes laziness or idiocy. You need to study the basic logic of causality." He told me as he rolled the blunt.  
  The dog was really good at catching stuff in mid-air when you chucked it near her. Trouble was she'd do the same thing when I flicked a still-burning smokey treat out into the back yard then round around in circles coughing smoke and shaking her head. I guess I just pretended to forget that...  
  Why don't they show commercials for jello jigglers anymore? Me and my little sister used to pretend to go "wiggle crazy" after eating those things.   
   You Have To Really Work At Being A Scotsman  A farmer friend, a business partner in a small but successful venture of ours, arrives with an early sample. It's Dayglo green, a bit damp, but smells bloody wonderful. I hold up my bong, say I'll be back in a minute -- I just have to go clean it. Farmer looks incredulous: " Clean  it? It's a  beer can  feah chrissake! Make a new one!" Me: "Yeah - but then I lose the deposit on the can."  
  What ever happened to the crusty white dogshit? Seriously: How come you never see it anymore? When I was a kid, we'd see crusty white dog turds all over the place on a regular basis, but you just don't see them anymore. How could something like that just disappear? Creepy...  
  My first roommate in college had some of the worst gas I've ever had to smell.  Lucky for him we were friends before college so I would put up with it.  We had bunked our beds and late one night he farted between the wall and the beds it carried down into my face.  Another time he hopped off the top bunk and stuck his ass in this fan that was keeping us cool and definately aimed it at me as he let go of some toxic fumes.    But that's not the worst of all.  One guy that came around quite often was over at the wrong time.  My roommate decided he wanted to fuck with the guy and he pulled down his own pants, spread his ass cheeks and farted right in the guy's face.  He got pissed off and said that was disgusting and then told us he could see a turd in his ass.  Things could have been worse for me -- I could have been that guy.  
  I never had a problem with Canadians (and still don't, for the most part), until I had one for a roommate. We always joked around, I would make fun of him and tell him to go back to his igloo, and he would crack on my being a Floridian and having to fight alligators and random bullshit like that.  It was all good. Then one night, I get this phone call from him. He says he wants me to meet him down at his girlfriend's apartment (she is also Canadian).   As soon as I walk in, I can smell the trouble.   "We're tired of you making fun of Canadians" What? "I can't believe you actually THINK we live in igloos, you are so ignorant!" What the fuck are you talking about, do you honestly think that I THINK that you live in an igloo? Silence. "PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON OSAMA BIN LADEN HATES AMERICA" (I swear I am not making this up). Me, dumbfounded.... The next four hours are spent with me being attacked from all sides by the two Canadians, plus the female's three drunk roommates.  A five on one attack, all because my fucking Canadian roommate can't grasp satire, even though he dishes it out himself (or does HE truly believe that I wrestle alligators!?)  Fuckin Canadians  
  Dave was infuriated when a dozen COBRA soldiers managed to take Snake Eyes down. "Nobody can beat Snake Eyes! Nobody!" He yelled this at the TV screen about 18 times.  Later, Dave explained to us that maybe Axl Rose could beat Snake Eyes, because have you ever seen Axl when goes fucking nuts, and it doesn't matter that Snake Eyes knows karate -- crazy beats karate. "Crazy beats karate."  I don't know. I mean, it did take a dozen of them to beat Snake Eyes, and that was after he'd been stranded in the Siberian tundra for days. And it *was* a special two-part episode.  
  So, the day gets started when I drop my cell phone in the toilet.  I fish it out. It stops working. Later, my boyfriend (who is pretty gay), our gay friend Joseph, and I start looking for elf porn online. After that debacle, we start watching the boyfriend's porn for entertainment value. He flicks to one and that I am staring at my best friend from middle school, naked. It flicks to a beaver shot. We then spend twenty minutes frantically shaking toilet water out of my cell phone so we can call said girl from middle school and verify that she has indeed begun a career in the porn industry.  The phone refuses to turn on. My boyfriend has no comment, except "Good thing I haven't jacked to that one yet."  
  My mother just got arrested for shop-lifting a $5 item from wal-mart today and the thing about it that bothers her the most is that she is now banned from all wal-marts everywhere forever.  And yes she lives in a trailer.  
  Time: 12:17 am Place:  My girlfriend's room Circumstance: Drunk  "You're so hot, lying there in bed, with your nightgown on, drunk, with your glasses on crooked, eating Domino's Dots out of the container with a ton of frosting, and your nipple hanging out."  My awesome girlfriend then gives me the thumbs up while swaying back and forth in bed, which is a feat in itself, and says "Put that on lowbrow."   
  Pre-pubescent girls panties are useless.  Fully 92% have no smell whatsoever.  The other 8% smell only of pee and poop.  Or so I read, somewhere...  
  A lowbrow Haiku:  Nuns fall down stairs Easily when you trip them Good Saturday fun.  thank you.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I hate lighter thieving bastards.  I once lived with one.  He would "borrow" my lighter and it would disappear into the black empty vortex and leave me with burning my eyebrows on the stove.  After a few days the lighter would reappear in between the cushions of whatever couch he happened to be sitting on.  
   Most people have a circle of friends.  I only have an arc of acquaintenaces.    
  Sleeping deeply (is there any other way?) and I awaken suddenly. Why?  BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. RING RING.  Someone is at my door. It's 1:00 a.m. I live alone. I shakily step into my robe and zip it up, trying to remember where the baseball bat is.  At the door I inquire, "Who is it?" A male voice says, "Police officer, maam."  I open the door and the very young cop says, "We were called by one of your neighbors because your dog is barking."  I asked, "What dog? I don't have a dog anymore. I haven't had a dog for months."  I've got to get out of this small Texas town.  
  Taking a piss   Washing my hands with the new and improved antibacterial hand formula to make sure every germ is killed.  Then drying my hands with a dirty towel.  Makes me feel like i wasted my time with hygiene.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Once had my right ring finger broken by a young woman in a particular interesting way, which I will leave to your imagination.  One month latter her identicle twin sister re-broke it in the same manner.  Did not get a cast either time.  
  At the age of 14 my grandmother gave me the best piece of advice a grandma can give. She sat me down and said:  "Sweetie, if you don't use your plumbing it's going to rust"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the vast majority of software on my computer is pirated.  i won't say what programs i use, for obvious reasons.  one time the condom broke and i didn't tell her about it.  there were no consequences, but i should have at least said something.  i am a terrible person.  
  I work as a cna, which is a certified nurses assistant, which basically does a lot of the hands on care for patients (bathing, hygenic needs, etc ) in hospitals and nursing homes. While at work the other day, I came to the realization that I infact am wiping assholes ( really, assholes )for 8.25 an hour, I used to not wipe assholes for 8.50 an hour at my old retail job.  taaaa-da  
  we were tripping, i didn't have a license, and the moped was only designed for one person. when we pulling up to that light, we both stared at the 12 cops standing on the corner... trying to figure out what they all were doing there. it was then that i glanced forward in time to bounce the moped and the front of my face off that taxi. the cops stared back. they didn't do anything, but do you know how hard it is to lose a pissed off taxi driver on an overloaded moped? sidewalks were my friend that day.  
  3:29am - Pondered the oddity of running into a spider webstring while walking through the middle of an open parking lot  3:30am - Determined phenomonon derived from a young, ambitious, male spider trying to impress the lady spiders  3:31am - Wondered if the male spider new that in order to copulate he must die afterwards to be used for the hatchlings food and the female gets his web  3:32am - Discovered the most costly divorce in the history of the world  3:33am - Decided to post this revelation on the Brow  3:34am - Figured no one would actually care about my 'revelation'  3:35am - Clicked submit anyway  3:36am - Seriously considering girlfriend's suggestion to stop drinking coffee and staying up all through the night  3:37am - Clicked submit anyway  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on this plane and I had to pee a lot, but I had a window seat and there was a fat old woman next to me, so I waited for the plane to land, but then I had to pee like fuck, and we got up in line to walk out, and I started feeling it come out. So I was there sweating, holding my penis shut with one hand, and I my bag over my crotch with the other, when I feel moisture on my fingers. I push the people in front of me and try to open the bathroom. LOCKED.  I am sweating pretty hard and there is piss halfway down my upper thigh, so I start running to the other bathroom. As I reach for the door, a flight attendant calls out "Sir, you can't go in there", but I open the door and rush in. BOXES. Boxes everywhere. I throw them onto the floor, and stepped on top of them, undo my fly and piss away. I asses the damage, pants wet halfway to my knee, hands smelly. Water faucet off. So I cover my pants with my jacket and step outside to a waiting "underage-escort" crowd all waiting for me, wondering where the fuck I am.  
  these "odor absorbing sponges" they have in the bathroom at work say "this product is known to cause cancer in the state of california". luckily i reside in the state of minnesota, so i'll be alright.  
  At work today:  co-worker: "Hi there. Working hard, or hardly working? [heh heh heh]"  me: "what?"  cw: "I said Working hard, or hardly working?"  me: "I'm sorry, what?"  cw: "Working hard, or hardly working?"  me: "Oh, I think I see the problem.  I don't speak cliche'. Maybe if you hit me in the head with a hammer before speaking, I'd be temporarily stupified to the point that I'd find that remotely amusing.  Let's see if I can speak your language.  Kindly fuck off, please.  Is that cliche' enough for you?"  cw: "[sputter sputter choke]"    
  I was walking away from the car my friends were driving when my one of them tell me my thong is hanging out, trying to make a joke.  I continued telling them, no, it's not.  I'm not wearing any underwear. Then she becomes all secretive, asking me to come back over to the car.  Making it known that she has to ask me something she's too embarassed to say out loud. "How do you do that?  What about Vaginal Discharge" Needless to say, I just said goodbye, and walked away.  Of all the things for her to say.  Vaginal Discharge. She's so weird.  
  you know its a bad fart when you can taste it.  
  I've named them Upper and Lower Egypt.  I don't know why, except that she wears only silver.  Except that she glows with lights of accumulated heat.  Except that in her eyes I feel lost for centuries.  Except that her kisses would drive any Pharoah mad with envy.  Upper and Lower Egypt.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  As he stood in line at the grocery waiting to check out his six-pack of cheap beer, he looked over the shopping carts of the many women queued up at the neighboring checkouts.  Most of their carts contained vast quantities of toilet paper.  "Why do women use so much toilet paper?," he wondered.   
  So, is the asshole the hole in the middle, or is it the ring around the hole?  I mean, I know what a donut hole looks like, and I know that it would conveniently fit inside a donut.  However, how do you fit an asshole into an ass?  Is the asshole tangible?  Perhaps thats one of those eternal questions such as, "Is it better to have semen in your blood, or blood in your semen?"  
  I started young.  I was in Florida and was about 15.  Met a guy and ended up hanging out with him for a few days. He had a car and I was 15, cute and wanted to be mobile--so it was convenient.  We were drinking champagne because all of the hard stuff was gone. Just drinking and cruising.  He was telling me about his stupid ex-girlfriend who never took the liquor out of the car last time they had a drinking and driving accident.  About 5 minutes later I put my foot up on the dash to fix my high-heel ankle strap.  He must have been paying more attention to all the leg exposed under my miniskirt because we ran a light and had a full-on collision with another car.  First thing I thought was--"Shit, get the liquor out of the car!"  Piled it all in my big-ass pocketbook and ran with it to the nearest garbage can before the cops arrived.  As I was dumping it in the car I heard someone say my name.  Being in a town and state I had never been in before I turned around.   This total stranger cursed me out, by name.  I have never seen him before but apparently my antics are renowned.    Now that I have a few more years experience, and have traveled--I wonder how many people hate me a real lot now? The thought makes me smile when the day is cold and rainy.    
  My little brother goes to an all male military school college...  he told me a story about his roomate screaming at him for shaving his nuts in their dorm-room sink.   Now he does it in the communal shower in front of a whole squadron of guys.   Ahh...siblings.    
  I had horribly bad ingrown big toenails for years.  Finally, when I had a job that had health insurance, i went and got the worst one operated on so that I could walk properly.  Went in, took off my shoes and socks.  The foot doctor lit a candle or incense or something; to cover up the foot funk and infection smell.  They then put up a little screen thing so I couldnt see them working on my foot.  After the anesthetic injection, I just felt the pressure of a snip, snip, snip as they cut and hacked on my toenail and then cut off some of the infected flesh.  They then took acid and cauterized/burned where the sides of the nail had been, to prevent it from regrowing.  At the end, they had a big bowl full of  bloody tissues and pieces of toe and nail.    Sent me home wearing a hospital bootie and a huge wad of bloody gauze around my toe, telling me to stay off the foot.  I had things to do that day, so I said fuck it and spent the next two hours loading up some old workstations that a company across town had given me, before the painkillers wore off.  Spent every day the next two weeks smearing this nasty-ass  glop on my toe every night and wearing a bandage around it.  The end result?  I havent had ingrown toenails since, and my left big toe nail is PERFECTLY STRAIGHT on the edges - it only grows out, and doesent get any wider.  Nasty, and i'm permanently multilated, but I can walk.  I guess thats an acceptable tradeoff.  
  There are two kids who live on my floor who are pretty cool, Joe and Eric. Joe and Eric went out to Remi's which is the local 18+ to drink bar in the city, and meet up with these two girls there that go to a different bar onthe VERRRRRRRRRY very outskirts of the city, while our school is right near the center.. anyway. Joe and Eric have much smoothness ability with the ladies, not unlike your fair narrator, so the girls decide as a team to say "Ok, lets go hook up at your dorms later." Except the girls' friends say to them "Hey, wait, you just met these guys and now you're going back to their dorms to hook up with them that isn't smart." So they convince them to drag Joe and Eric back to the girls' school, and take the college's bus back to campus.  When they get back to the school, Joe's girl sees what else just as she gets off the bus but her boyfriend. Hilarity ensues.  So after narrowly missing a fight Joe and Eric and Eric's girl go back to the girl's dorm room. Eric and his chick start to snuggle up closely and Joe is wasted off his rocker right now so he passes out on the room's floor. Eric's girl's roommate then falls asleep, being as it's 3am, so Eric and his girl decide "Carpe Noctum" and start banging away, and they do this for a little while and it was good until the door to the room opened.  And in the middle of the doorway stood a girl. And she was pissed. And she was screaming.  "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU LITTLE SLUT, YOU JUST MET THIS GUY AND NOW YOU'RE FUCKING HIM? ARE YOU AN IDIOT, YOU DON T EVEN KNOW HIM AND over and over and over and at the top of her bloody fucking lungs so that the entire Residence Hall comes out and sees this scene, which is Eric standing there, bare-ass naked with a condom on.  Eric DOES NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS BULLSHIT so rouses Joe and they take the walk of shame down to the RIPTA public bus stop to wait for a ride near to school. And they wait for forty-five minutes and the bus never comes. And they are hotheaded, Eric having been the victim of the ultimate cockblock and Joe seeing pink elephants so they see these newspaper cases that they sell papers out on the street for two quarters and can think of no better way to vent their frustration and anger than to destroy the bus stop. So they're in the midst of throwing the Providence Journal case through the fourth pane of glass and CRASH BOOM BANG oh shit the bus is here. The bus driver calls the cops, and Eric and Joe have to drunkenly book it out of there.  Through the woods.  And Joe steps in a four-inch deep pile of dog shit.  They finally catch a cab home, at a price of fifty bucks. They didn't get laid, and they're wanted by the police.  Ah, college.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)                                                    I had been riding the Greyhound for Four days straight. You don't get to shower...when you go Greyhound.  This black guy that sext next to me was completely smitten and went so far as to tell me he wanted to get busy.   Four days.  I got up and changed my seat. The thought alone is low-brow.   
  So I meet this dude at a bar and asks me if I'd join him the men's room to blow a few lines.  As a female I don't usually hang out in the men's room, but it was free blow so why the hell not?  Well no one seemed to mind in there, but when we walked out together with big ol grins on our faces, a few of my co-workers just happened to be waiting in line for the women's bathroom and saw us.    I wanted to tell them I wasn't hooking up with him in there, but for some reason saying we were just getting high didn't sound any better.  Oh well.  
  I was talking to some guy I occasionally fuck the other night, when he starts telling me about how upset he was because he didn't get this job he wanted.  I asked where...he said, "McDonalds."  He is 27 years old.  I know that should have been low brow for him and not me, but damn...how low brow is it to fuck a 27 year old man who got turned down at McDonalds? I really need to start screening my fuck meat better.  
  Old man in front of me in the check out line.  His only purchase is a 40 of Little Kings, which he promptly puts on a Visa.  Christ.  
  The Air Force recruiter had a full sized stuffed grizzly bear in his office. He was a real punk assed effite dork, too. What he didn't know was that my key opened his door too. Before I left, I ripped all of the toes off of his grizzly bear. I still have them. They're pretty cool.  
  I remember working as a cook in a small dinner The smell of pancakes, the taste of bacon, the texture of eggs The smell of grease that followed me around all day And of course the hamburgers we would rub on the floor before serving it to customers that we just did not like  
  Given that pot smokers are, in general, of above average intelligence, the battle rages between my roommates and myself:  Is it the pot that makes you smart?  Or is it the intelligence that makes you seek out pot in the first place?  
  Job applications with resin stains on 'em and bowls/bongs sitting right next to them.  Welcome to my world.  
  Since I've been reading lowbrow I've become very wary of all food I eat that is not prepared by my own hands.  I was at Wendy's today eating some fries when I look down into the little box and there is a nice short, semi-curly, black hair in there.  Since only black people were working in the Wendy's, I didn't know if it were a pubic hair or from someone's head.  I decided to leave the fries unfinished, regardless.   Sigh, before I was paranoid, now I'm terrified.  
  '....for fuck sake how can she do that? She has at least half a dozen fillings too...' I thought to myself.  As I continued to watch her, she looked at me with a shit eating grin.  Someone else in the room said to her "you are fucking nuts."  And I realized it was true, it took me a couple of years to realize it but there it was, my girlfriend was a fucking psycho.  How else could she chew a large ball of tinfoil and smile the whole time?   
  I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm still nobody's first choice. At least my dog loves me. *sniffle*  
  my stepdad is a drunk.  he's not a mean drunk or anything like that, he's just an incredibly goofy drunk.  and he often does things, in his state of drunkenness, that are completely illogical and amazingly hilarious.  a few nights ago, after downing god knows how much cheap scotch, he cooked an entire chicken, along with some rice pilaf and steamed broccoli as side dishes.  god only knows how he managed to pull that off.  so after all his hard work is done, he takes the chicken and side dishes, arranges them on a plate, puts the plate on the counter, and stumbles off upstairs to go to sleep.  when i came downstairs at 10am the next morning, the plate was still on the counter.  
  Overheard: "Oh, Come-on!! Everybody knows that you are the Ho in this relationship!"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          The only rule at the "All You Can Eat Sushi for $15.99" is that you have to eat the rice with the sushi. No just eatin' the fish as you pay extra for the sashimi.  And the eagle-eyed mama-san is watching you the whole time with a dour face making sure that they don't taken advantage of by slimeballs like me and my friends. She turns her back - quickly peel the rice off and fold it into your napkin. Whew, she didn't see. Then another. And another. And another Soon, we all have nicely-formed baseball-sized sticky-rice-balls in our concealed in our napkins. She's going to the kitchen! Quick, roll em under the yuppie-lawyers' table over there.  Done! Mama-san comes out of the kitchen with Miso. She spies the riceballs on the floor under their table and starts hurling apparent insults at them in Japanese. They don't understand what she's talking about. We are biting our lips trying to hold it in. "Ahem, Excuse me Miss - another round of sushi here please and a couple more large Asahi Dry....."  
  I'm done with sunday school teachers.  Next time blame yourself when you get slutty on the first date, not the guy.  I realize all the spoon fed Jesus has weakened your mind into thinking you are a perfect little Angel.   I wonder how he would feel if he overheard you when you wispered "Tickle my asshole" in the dark to me last night.   wise up bible beater, you took your own pants off...  
  Sometimes I'll sit in my chair at 2, 3, 4 in the morning, wondering where I want my life to go.    Then I tell myself I can't be reached for comment.   Like, get the fuck off my back, y'know?  
  I was making fun of boyfriend and his vast collection of porn in front of my friends one night and he took all that I dished out and then sat in silence for a moment.  His only retort was "Honey, it's OUR porn now."  My friends have never let that go...and probably never will.  
  As he walked away from his food dish, a strand of tinsel half exposed from the orifice below his tail, we knew that Spikey had been playing with the Christmas tree ornaments again...  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I want him to want me I want him to stare at every part of me I want him to masturbate mutting my name I want him to think he stands a chance I want him to come up to me and make his move.  That's when i'll walk away  
  "Shoot heroin, not people - 1987" -carved in the cement at my high school.  
  He glanced up and caught her examining him.   But she didn't look away and he let his eyes drift right of her head.  He uncomfortably looked down at his book and took a line of notes.  He stole a look. She spoke.  "I wasn't staring."  He turned back to his notes--his first reaction. It clicked and his mind settled to normalcy.   Turning back, he said  "Oh."  She shook her head at him.  "You have something in your hair."  
  For the past week and a day, every day, like clockwork, I've been getting calls from a collection agency.  The first day I thought I cleared up the misunderstanding, but they called again.  By the third day I was really annoyed, made a few more calls, and hoped the mixup was over.  No such luck.  Now I'm almost used to the daily harassment.  Today:  "Hello, is Melanie there?" "That depends.  Where are you calling from?" "I'm calling from Blah Blah Financial in Houston..." "Houston, eh?  Is it a nice day there?  It's thunderstorms here." "Oh, it's nice out, sunny.  Humid." "You spend a lot of time outside, or in with the air conditioning?" "Air conditioning." (at this point, he's relaxed, almost friendly, and completely unsuspecting.) "Do they let you smoke at your job?" "Oh, no, I don't like to smoke." "How about weed?  You smoke weed?" "No, I don't, my grandfather's a preacher..." "Do you smoke crack?" "No, I..." "I think you smoke crack" (more protests) "You must be smoking crack if you think you'll get anything by calling me again.  I have been called every day for the past week, blah blah blah..." And from there I got him to say I'm "off the list" which is bullshit, I know, but at least now I'm having fun with this.  That's the key- Have Fun!  Anytime one of those telemarketers or anyone unwanted calls, disarm them with smalltalk, then go for the kill.  Chances are, you'll amuse them more than piss them off, and they might actually take you off the list if you're loony enough.  
  Given the circumstances in which the girl's father had died, the priest had to conceed that the soldier would probably reside in condemnation, although nobody could know with certainty if he had been killed instantly or if he had taken the time to ask forgiveness in prayer. But despite the small possibility that her father had been able to reach heaven, she looked upon the coffin's flag with hate, and she cried.   
  Sitting on the porch, trashed off my ass after Long Island Iced Teas appeared out of nowhere all night, I decide I want to hear the sound of breaking glass. I fling my bottle over the railing and wait...but I don't hear the beautiful clinking, I just hear a strange metallic thud.  I get up, perplexed, look over the edge...and realize it's gone into the garbage can on the first floor. This isn't a regular garbage can, it's one with a metal lid and a small hole in the top...this is a one-in-a-million shot. After two and half years of leaning over the railing and aiming to the best of my ability, one drunk day I fling it in there without even looking.  It's a damn good thing I had a witness, too.   
  One halloween this 14 year old girl from the neighborhood knocks on the door. She is dressed in very slutty clothes, knee high black boots, hair messed up with a makeup black eye and fake blood on her lips. She tell me "I am a beat up prostitute". I never wanted to fuck a 14 year old so bad in my life. Don't judge me, you didn't get to see her. Man, I still think about her every halloween.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I learned everything I ever needed to know about American politics from reading Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972."   
  after i had spent the last dollar that would come my way for eight days, i realized that the truck stop's coffee tasted like caffeine and piss and spic n span.  
  At my best friend's going-away-to-college party, I got really drunk and told my ex-girlfriend that I was going to e-mail her long-distance boyfriend and tell her about the things she's been doing while he was gone.  Like making out with Clint at the graduation party.  And going on a date with that guy she works with.  And having sex with me a month beforehand.  After becoming sober again, I decided that it would be wrong to do that to her. But she called me and told me that she went ahead and told him herself. She was very, very upset. He was very, very, angry. Later that week, he forgave her and they got back together.  I felt like such a failure.  
  once i was eating a ham sandwitch and someone told a joke and i laughed so hard that ham came out through my nose.   
  dairy queen's 2.99 daily lunch special gave me violent, liquidy bowel movements.  
  our usual truck stop is pretty dead tonite, only the remainder of stale smoke lingers in the air and a pair of truckers at a table across from us  what in the hell is his problem? what in the hell is he staring at? what in the hell is he groping in his pants?  these are just a few of the many questions we are pondering about the trucker across from us  unfortunately, when he stands up to leave our questions find answers  he discreetly removes his hat from the table and places it in front of his dick  why?  maybe to cover the large wet spot he has mysteriously acquired by his one-eyed monster  it is obvious to the waitresses and us what he is covering, and yet he still proceeds to start "petting it" while paying for his dinner  ---only at TiKi          
  I knew I was getting into it when I decided to marry her. Half her family are rednecks and the other half are crazy asians. The biggest wake up call, though, came at the wedding when her Uncle pulled me aside and told me that he would have to give me our wedding present after the reception because they didn't allow shotguns in the park.  !!!!!!   
  My lowbrow moment was when my friend quoted me saying "That's the ugliest beaver I've ever seen..."        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After a hard game of floor hockey, my socks were drenched with sweat.  As the social college trend goes, you propped your door open when you were around (and not masturbating).  Now, the door is maybe 3 feet wide, and it doesn't take a physics major to know a person walking by is only visible (and able to look in the room) for a split second.  In that split second, a guy I never talk to who lives on my floor saw me take a big whiff of the ol' sweat-sock.  Damn.  
  I was driving home, rather drunk at the time, and decided to get some late dinner. After getting food from Burger King, I decided to drive home. Well right as I pulled in, my onion rings spilled onto the muddy, liqour soaked floor of my car. My eyes looked down and I swear a tear formed. After checking no one was looking, I laid carefully across the seats, and proceeded to eat the rings that escaped..Needless to say, they were still good.  
  we went into ohenrys cos it was freezing out and we knew they always cranked the heater in the front by the window mike asked me what kinda shot he should get everyone and everyone chimed tequilla the place was packed and people were egging us on i hate tequilla mo was talking to a beuatiful auburn haired woman with his back to us mike put the shot in his already tricky stomach he went pale and puked on mos back the woman sniffed and puked on mo i got a whiff and hurled on the nice hot heater near the window as the disgusting yellow liquid wanted out bad  the whole place reeked in seconds comeon i said this place is gonna blow the bouncer hurled as we ran passed him i will never drink that shit again       quotes on all from pdq      
  we need to start a string of lowbrow products we've seen. I'll start    *seen while walking through a supermarkets medicine aisle*   Herp-Ease. Don't let it stop you anymore!  
  I spent so much time with her, especially on trash day. She did things her own way, because no one I've ever known before or since, has ever taken IN the garbage. She was beautiful. Her house smelled though.  I guess it stems from her days of taking in the cans for all the neighbors. Unfortunately, her actions went unappreciated because she brought them in before the garbage truck came.  
  Sitting on my bathroom floor at 3AM.  In my underwear.  With my chin resting on the toilet seat.  And a towel wrapped around my shoulders like a superhero cape for warmth.  My mom walks in.  "Have you been drinking?"  Guess.  
  i went on this bad date the other night. the guy gets in my car at 7pm with a six pack of beer and one in his hand. the entire time he kept trying to get me to drink while i was driving. then he kept telling me that he wants to see me naked and then started to recite cheezy pick up lines. telling me that he loves my voice and that i sing great, this is obviously a big fat lie becuase nobody likes my singing, nobody. then he tries again to get me to drink at a bar and when i say no he says well you want to wait here while i have a drink. i said are you kidding? then he asked me if i want to smoke pot with him and some guy at the bar. i screamed out jesus fucking christ no! i told him before we went out i don't do that. then i went to drive him back to his car and he says are we going home...to your house. i said well i don't normally have people over my house. he goes oh, well i'd probably try and pull some sort of move on you anyway.....yeah i probably would. i'm so done with men.  
  At the BBQ,  Darren had the most incredible sized piece of meat. It was paraded like a trophy, then cast to the grill with a sizzle, the women smiled, the men took a swig of beer. Darren has been single a long time.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         There won't be a major Hollywood movie made about the life of Kurt Cobain until Courtney Love is too old to play herself in it....        
  she, a cute underclassman, smiled and waves at me in the hall.  i tried to wave but had my finger up my nose.  god fucking dammit.  
  I don't understand the concept behind lawn ornaments, especially when it's at a home with kids.  I think they put this crap in the center of their lawn so that: 1) their kids can get a lesson in Newton's laws of motion as they smack into a gnome at 15 mph, or  2) they make the kid's chore of mowing the lawn a bit hellish. I think maybe some people just hate their kids.  
  When I was in Boy Scouts I knew a kid named Fred. He was from Lebanon, and he spoke with a heavy French accent in broken English for some reason. When our troop went to summer camp I got stuck with him as a tentmate. He was a total loser, but so was I.  One morning, a day after another scout had humiliated him by hiding his clothes and taking pictures of him as he ran around naked trying to find them, I awoke to find Fred very distressed.  I asked him what was up. He timidly replied "Last night I went to ze bathroom in your boots."  I flipped out. I called him every name in the book before I realized he meant he had accidentally put on my boots instead of his the night before in the darkness when he went to the latrine. Not that he pissed in them.  
  confusion say  who is larger asshole man who shits on carpet or man who purposefully smells it  dont bust the brow just cos you cant deal get nintendo or trade pokemons me i like my pseudo pain in the human flavor speckled with lies and giggles         
  I admit it.  There is something fundamentally wrong with me.  But I can't help it.  It has control over me.  I just have to have it.  If I go too long without it, I go crazy, I get depressed, I start going through withdrawls.  But, as soon as I get it, I'm all good again.  I try to quit, to no avail.  I try to cut back, but I can't handle it.  I've lied to my friends about it, gone out of my way to prove I don't want it, only to have it on my way home.  So, I hope that I can alleviate some of this pain, and possibly get support from other who may have had this problem and quit.  But either way, I have to come completely clean and tell everybody, because for now this is a part of me, and I have to accept it.  So please don't hate me for what I'm about to tell you...   I  LOVE  the Spice Girls  
  ARRRGGG!!!!   I hate body hair. My genes have blessed me with a decent over-abundance of it. Not Bigfoot scale, but enough to be embarrassed about.   So I notice they have Epil-Stop at Meijer now....you know, that spray on, wipe off hair remover? This strikes me as a wonderful idea.  Today was the big day. I decide to try my armpits first (don't ask me why). So, off comes the shirt, spritz the pits (whoa! that rhymed!), waiting.... It starts to burn a little bit. Nothing scary. It's been a few minutes so I try wiping the junk off. I get a little hair, but mainly a bunch of pain.   Now I have lovely rashes on both of my armpits, still quite sore, AND stubble.   Maybe it was the deoderant that it reacted with or something....  Oh well... I'm still gonna figure out how to use it correctly to get rid of all this hair..   
  The bags they use at a local supermarket read: "Be your own person... Say no to drugs!" Now Tell me who needs more help being an individual. One who makes a choice based on the advice of a friend? Or one who makes a choice based on the advice of a paper bag?  
  rented the "Best Porno of 1985!" according to Hustler magazine.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My wife (soon to be ex, but I didn't know that then) had really packed on the pounds.  100lbs with each kid, and she was gaining.  Morbidly obese is the term.  She's pushing 350lbs now on a 5'5 frame.  We went to the local water park, she heaved her bulk into an inner tube on the white water ride and ...  The White Water Ride is one where a jet of water shoots you up a shallow incline, over the top, and you gently float down a concrete trough, simulating a "white water" ride.  She heaved her bulk into the inner tube, the operater jazzed his jet up to full blast, she rode up and up ... and just as she got close to the top, she got stuck.  The jet couldn't overcome her poundage.  She couldn't stand up.  She had no place to put her feet and push.  The guy put his pusher into full blast and .. nothing.  She'd rock to and fro but not going anywhere.  People were making comments, my son and I tried very hard to pretend we weren't with her, didn't know that person.  The attendent got a guy to go out with him - they each grabbed a handle on the tube, and onetwothree heave-ho away she went  The rest of the day was anti-climax.  
  i run a factory.  I'm dirty.  I rarely do laundry, and my apartment is a mess.  i've gone without toilet paper for a week now.  i hold a high school equivilency diploma, and served 5 years in college, without graduating.  i've been in jail, on probation, had my license suspended numerous times, and in general, have no respect for the law. my ex, who is a lawyer, told me her new lawyer boyfriend is "second best" to me. i guess this would be his lowbrow moment... for being second best to a scrub like me... all i know is i'm feeling pretty fucking cool right about now.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         She clung to her boyfriend's arm (poor boyfriend, he used to be cool before he became pussywhipped).  The other guys were picking on her, so she whined at me, presuming that - as a fellow female - I'd be sympathetic to her cause.  "Gen, am I a whore?"  "Well, do you get paid?"  "..No.."  "Then you're just a slut."  Girls are way too sensitive sometimes.  How can the rest of us expect equality when girls like that are bitching over a little burn?  Geez.    
  We had an above-ground pool. It was about 4' tall, so was i. My older, if not wiser siblings, have taught me to dive in off of the aproximately 3" edge of the pool. If you have ever seen one you know they are damn shifty.... So in I go... or thought, I was going, when my body decided to fling itself the entirely opposite direction, and go hurtling towards the concrete slab that, in all my parents genius, had about 1'5" from the pool.  I don't know that I learned my lesson, but, I did break my arm.  
  This morning I called the credit card company to apply for my first credit card. I did this right after filling out my Income Tax forms.  This was the first time in my life I have done either of these things - I feel so grown-up!  I am 26 years old...  
  "I think we should break up" she said. "This isn't working out for me".  I licked my lips before I spoke and tasted her on them. Tasted her juice on them. Im getting dumped within 4 minutes of performing cunnilingus with no reciprocation.   Am I not worth some appreciation?  The shit I do for you which you take for granted, which you see as a given.   Im worth more than this, Im worth more than you, I can find someone else, someone to appreciate me, fucking love me, not threaten me with breaking up every few weeks to keep me from feeling secure or comfortable, so you keep your power, keep your overhand... well Fuck You! FUCK YOU you bitch, get the fuck out of my house and the fuck out of my life.  I licked my lips and spoke to her.  And I begged her to stay.  
  I was sitting at the county fair with my friend, when a little boy, who was walking by, tripped and fell flat on his face.   "Awww. Poor kid." my friend said.  To which I replied "yeah...he's got a mullet."  
  I love to eat at Hooters. Not only do they have great oysters Rockefeller, I admire a nice set of tits as much as anyone. My husband is amused this. One day he kept egging me on to tell a particularly blessed young lady what I thought.  "Excuse me, miss" I said to her when she came over to refill our beers, "but I have to say, nice rack!"  "Why, thank you!" she exclaimed, after giving me a startled look.  I got free beer the rest of the afternoon, I guess for the novelty of a middle-aged lady complimenting her on her bosom.  My husband had to buy his own alcohol.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         A Jesus freak once said to me, "God loves you!"  And I said, "I don't believe it. If God really loved me, He'd swallow my cum. But He doesn't. He spits it back into my mouth when we tongue-kiss. It really pisses me off, and I tell Him so, but He does it every time. The worst thing is that, being as how I've just gotten a blowjob, I'm a little distracted, and so I never expect it. Never. If I did, I'd make Him stop and swallow it. But he's nothing if not sneaky. I feel like a fool every time. My cum doesn't even taste good. Damn him."  That pretty much ends the conversation right there.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After dinner in Philadelphia I wanted to drive back to my hotel in Delaware but I got on the freeway going the wrong way.  No problem, get off at the next exit, turn under the freeway, get back on. I had picked an exit that does not have a corresponding entrance.  I am driving around at night in what I was later told is the most dangerous part of the city. I am looking for a freeway sign on my left. I hop a curb on my right. I barely get the rental car off of the curb, and see a 7-11 just a block ahead.  I park my car go inside and ask for directions. Everyone in the place is black. I am white. They don't even answer me before they tell me I need to leave. I ask for directions again. They tell me it is not safe for me to be there. They will not even let me buy a cup of coffee before they send me on my way.  They were truly concerned for may welfare. They left such a good impression on me that I still can't believe it was really a bad part of town.  
  Not that I'm necessarily a jealous person, or that I like playing that crazy-ex-girlfriend role.... but sometimes it's necessary.  I didn't like seeing him making out with her right after we broke up.  I bet she really didn't like the $20 I stole from her bag while they were busy.  
  I live in an apartment with my boyfriend and our friend Elyn. Because we live in the southern reaches of the United States, roaches are a common occurance.  Roaches freak out Elyn and I, so the raoch killing is left to my gay boyfriend, Christopher. Whenever we spot one, we scream, and Christopher tromps in wielding a metal spoon he keeps hung on his bedroom wall for this express purpose. He chases the roach down. Usually, we're all very stoned, so it takes a while to actually kill it. In most cases, Chris ends up chopping it in half. Then he scoops it up in the spoon and flushes it down the toilet while playing the Funeral March by Chopin on his computer.  Afterwards, we put another bug sticker on the special "roach killa" sheet hanging on our refrigerator. It looks like something out of a kindergarten class, but it really symbolizes death and destruction. The other night, he killed his fifth roach and made Ace. We smoked a bowl to celebrate.  
  Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a friend of mine liked to call obnoxious women "ankles". this would always cause them to stop their bitchy antics and look at him dumbfounded.  "ankle?"  "it's about two feet lower than a cunt"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last nite, it was our school's homecoming "hoe down". I drank eleven 24oz mugs of beer before the dance. After the dance I had at least one case, possible two.  I woke up wearing nothing but boxers and spurs.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i'm the oldest of three brothers. the youngest one is 11 years younger than me, so we didn't have the bonding moments that me and my other brother, two years younger, had.  for instance, while growing up i always remember finding something that could potentially be used to inflict pain, grabing it, and smacking myself (not too hard) in the arm or leg with it. you know, like sticks or car antennas or something.  then, i would say, 'hey, pete, does this hurt?' and usually wail him with it. i don't think the force with which i would often hit him was entirely intentional, but, consciously or subconsciously, the end result was usually the same.  you should have seen that fucker jump at that phrase after he got wise to it...  
  my fraternity had a huge annual party to which all girls were invited.  the ratio over the course of the evening was like 5 girls to every guy.  i spent days planning for this party.  i had just been dumped by my girlfriend and was SO ready for this party; it was all i thought about for a week.  i started drinking too early and passed out before the party even started.  sometime in the middle of the party 2 girls walked into my room and commented that it was too bad i was asleep because i was hot.  i heard this but was still too drunk to open my eyes.  i woke up just as the party was ending and i spent about an hour eating hotdog slices stir-fried with picante sauce (all that was available) with the few losers that did not get laid that night.  damn that stuff sure tasted good!  i told this story years later to a guy that was buying a car from my dad and offered to drive me to the airport because he lived near it.  as i told the story, i noticed he had buggers smeared on the sun visor.  from that moment on i could not stop watching the buggers and wondering if the next bump would cause one to fall into his lap.  it didn't.   
  The worst line I've ever been handed came from a male friend who decided he was in love with me... without bothering to consult me on my feelings regarding that theory. He sold most of his stuff and moved across the country to be with me, telling everyone back home we were getting married. When he got here, I had already received several phone calls congratulating me on my upcoming marriage. Needless to say, I set him straight in no uncertain terms. He was an okay friend, but the idea of a physical relationship with him grossed me out.  Of course he became immediately both whiny and abusive, and would do things like leave me flowers on the doorstep with a pile of shit next to them. Finally his friends back home convinced him to enter therapy. He thankfully broke off all communication with me, except for one last phone call. "Well" he said, "I had a breakthrough in therapy today. My therapist says I'm this fucked up only because you won't sleep with me. So? You want to help me out and have sex with me to cure me?" After I stopped laughing, I hung up and changed my phone number.  Sometimes I wonder what asylum he wound up in. Hi, Kev!  
  my dog is a pantie dog... some dogs sniff out drugs... my dog sniffs out panties, knocking over the laundry to get at them.  He'll find em and chew on the crotch... walked in on his one time panties over his head mowin' away... I swear he must be the product of some frat house experiment gone wrong... pantie sniffer...  
  In A Clockwork Orange, there's this scene where Alex beats the old woman with a sculpture shaped like a giant penis. He ends up killing her and I know that's a bad thing but I still want to beat someone with a giant penis someday.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         The beer from the bar was stale from the delivery lines or the patrons lack of good taste.  They tipped the glasswhen they filled it as though it would foam over the top.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;         Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)      &nbsp;             
  i just got a pop up that wanted to know if i frequently postpone my golf game due to overactive bladder. i fucking hate pop ups.  
  I occationally escort a woman ten years my senior to social events. She gets to have her friends think she is dating a younger man. In exchange I get to see the wealthy act like idiots.   The latest:  Her -- "Who in the world thinks that pubic topiary is an appropriate topic of conversation when children are present?"  Me -- "There is this web site I think he will especially enjoy."   
  I didn't own a plunger and needed to unclog the toilet that I'd just ruined.  An inflated plastic grocery bag works great as a makeshift plunger (if you don't mind getting a little wet).  I hope MacGyver would be proud.  
  "so," he started, "how was your day with the girlfriend?" "damnit... how many times have i told you... she's not my girlfriend... we just fuck." "and you pay for her dinner and movie et cetera... correct?" "yeah but she's not my girlfriend" "and you talk on the phone all the time and on occaision break plans with friends to go see her, correct?" "yeah but still" "i fail to see how the chain around your balls is any different than mine."  
  Nothing like spending your Friday night ripping apart the dumpster of the McDonalds in the Ghetto to look for your friends Retainer. Yep, It did go back in his mouth...  
  And then I looked into the bowl, and mixed with everything else was my watch.  How important is time when all you have to do is flush?        
  the best things in life are not free, and they don't cost money either. the best things in life are the ones you get paid for, like getting paid 50 bucks for watching your neighbors dogs for one lousy weekend. the lowbrow part, spending three hours every night watching soft core porn and jerking off. getting paid 50 bucks for a weekend of jerking off, sign me up.  
  She invited the entire neighborhood to her backyard for a cookout, and they all turned up... not that she was popular, it was free beer. She was entertaining the in-laws and wanted to show them how well-liked she was. "My my," an older woman said to me, "I never knew Amy had so many friends!" "Yeah" I replied. "Pity most of them are guys she blows when her husband's out of town." Thereby followed a conversation about just what a stupendous slut Amy was.  Her mother in law doesn't look a thing like the husband. Amazing.   
  I just bought a re-fillable lighter for $7...  I normally don't go for that sort of thing.  It was a bonze-colored metal hand flipping the bird, the thumb was the striker, and the top of the middle finger is where the flame emits.  The reason I actually bought it was for the molded ring, with a cheap embossed gold-colored metal rectangle, written in words so tiny, and uncontrasted you would have to really look, it says: FUCK OFF.  
  Who says the military doesn't have a sense of humor?  Great Lakes Naval training center.  Boot camp.  In all of the toilet stalls are a toilet, roll of tp, and above it on the wall is just a sole button.  In Military issue large stenciled lettering, reads "Launch Torpedo"    
  my roommate in the dorms was a bit on the uncool side.  he took off with some people to get drunk for the first time, and i stayed in my room to study. a couple hours later, a very inebriated Tim comes stumbling in with a chick. *Holy SHIT!* thinks I, *Tim's gunna score!* Then she spoke: "Tim just tried to run in front of a bus.  Make sure he doesn't leave the room." I always miss the coolest stuff.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i remember getting slapped by a nun and then asking her if jesus would slap a small child thats when i learned how to take a punch        
  This lowbrow isn't mine directly...  but if I find out who the woman at work that uses the bathroom and never (And I mean never!) washes her hands I swear to God I will stuff those hands down the toilet myself.  Just because other women are in the stalls and haven't seen your face, don't think you're getting away with it.  YOU WILL BE CAUGHT!  
  Ahh, weekends were grand. My buddies and I, getting fucked, getting fucked up. Parties, drinking, marijuana. What could go wrong? You would'nt think anything could go wrong anyway. Right? Well, it just so happens, that something did in fact go wrong. Way too wrong.  It was around 3am on a saturday morning. Me, and 4 of my buddies had polished off 3 fifths of Old No. 7 and a case of Weinhards Amber Ale, and a half rack of Buttface. We were pretty hammered to say the least. We're sitting there smoking cigarettes and playing guitar/jamming having a good time when all the sudden a knock at the door breaks our concentration. One of my buddies (who's house we were at) got up off the floor and answered the door to find 3 female Deja Vu dancers asking to use the phone. Thinking we were hot shit (the consumption of alcohol caused us to do so) we invited them in for some drinks. They agreed, and we were all happy fuckers, our faces lit up.  Well, it just so happens that we had drank every single bit of alcohol in the house. When I realized this after checking the freezer etc... I felt dead inside.  They immediately left the premises and drove off after one of my friends offered them 20 dollars for a blow job.  It just goes to show you, how great friends are.  Damn it.  
  My fiancee and I looked through all of his porn magazines to shop for my new boobs.  Then I realized how lowbrow it would be to bring a pic in to my plastic surgeon.  "I'd like her boobs.  No, not the one getting fucked, the one with the dick in her mouth."  
  Ya know, if I could just drink at my fucking job, I would be so goddamn happy. The monkey's fling shit on the walls. And, it  Magically  turns into content. Where's my bottle of vodka?  
  Last night I went to a guy's house.  He has 3 nuts.  REALLY.  3 testicles!  How crazy.  He can't have kids.  We didn't do it.      
  i looked up lowbrow in the dictionary and it said    "one having uncultivated tastes"  yep, that's us.   
   One's intelligence, someone once told me, can often be measured by one's  style of humor. If you're still reading this, I must be pretty smart.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         He was fat and nasty and he was dancing like a fool. A smoke in right hand and a Hite Beer in the left, and he was dancing.  He looked evil, so we nicknamed him "Pure Evil" which he wore proudly on a lint-covered black hat, and still he danced.  We chanted to him like a God, "he's Pure Evil, he's Pure Evil!" and many people joined in. Most had never seen the Great Pure Evil before, but we sang glorious songs in his name, drank many beers, and of course...we danced. Good goddamn did we dance. What a heavenly sight this evil was.  
  When I first started going to the gym, I used to swim with the senior citizens early in the morning, so there was someone I could be faster than.   &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  "may the road rise up to meet you" say the irish but somehow the floor rises to meet me more often  
  if i ever grow up to be a long distance trucker, i'll definately get a set of those naked lady mudflaps. that way, if anyone ever asks me "do you ever get lonely on the road?" i'll say 'nope, i got these here mudflaps.'  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I'm really, really high, I like to get naked, turn all the lights out, and lie in bed masturbating while listening to rave music in my headphones while staring at my digital alarm clock.  
  Have you ever woken up in the morning and just had that moment of clarity when you think everything is all right and nothing is wrong?  And you feel a new sense of belonging as you roll over and see the person you came home with last night from the bar.  And you think... "Fuck, I musta been so drunk last night."    So you wake up the fat hairy smelly guy next to you, who is wearing a mechanics shirt with the name "Butch" above his left breast and has grease stains covering much of his body.  You tell him to get dressed and leave and for the rest of the day you have strong feelings of suicide and can think of nothing else but Butch's sweaty hands massaging your entire naked body as you run your fingers through his back hair.    Wait... maybe that's just happened to me.     
  "Don't worry about it.  I've got a change of clothes you could wear." By that she meant, "Here, take the sluttiest outfit I've got.  You can keep it.  I no longer want to look like a crack-whore." As I didn't have anything else to do, though, clothes drenched in gasoline and all... IHOP servers get real friendly at three o'clock in the morning.  
  After washing my hands at work or in public restrooms I've seen shitty drawers in the wastecans. Is there anyone in the world who HASN'T shit their britches?  
  "It is a joy to make love to you," I tell her, floating in the hottub relaxing after 2 very intense days. "Well, it's definitly fucking, but with more behind it.  It's like multi-dimensional fucking."        
  four-ninety-five  chinese buffet  all you can eat  the bathroom stinks of MSG    &nbsp;         &nbsp;               Why?    Check for updates   Sat-Sat-Sat-Saturday is Shut-Shut-Shut-Shutdown day.   -->   &nbsp;           
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "a full-body condom: what you use when you're *way* going at it with somebody who's definately got hepatitis."    --gavin   
  What happens when bears eat bad berries? Do they get crazy bear diarhea? Do they get the berry squirts(or the bear-y squirts)? And if so, what color is it? Why doesnt it smell like berries? its a mystery.  
  Talking a reluctant friend into coming to my apartment and dying my approximate three feet of hair - for free.  Consuming 1.5 liters of cheap white wine before she arrives.  In the midst of the undertaking falling out of my chair, leaving a large splotch of hair dye on the carpet.  Ending up naked in the bathtub, soaking in water the color of mentstrual blood which stains the porcelain as well as my skin.    My friend never dyed my hair again, but I did get my security deposit back from the landlord.      
  According to some ideologies, what you sow, you reap, what comes around goes around, and it all comes back to you twofold.  Happily for me, I don't believe in any of it. However, I do keep a sharp eye out for violent, vengeful, prankful motherfuckers. You know, my kind of folk.  
  Another of those annoying telemarketers called while I was watching a hockey game.  So I say, "Hey, I'm busy watching the game right now, do you mind if I call you back when you're really busy?"  He says, "Sure, would you like the number here?"  "No" I reply, "Not really"...then hang up.  Was this my lowbrow moment, or his?  
  I was wearing my Wonder Woman costume when the kids down the street knocked on my door and tried to sell me some overpriced fundraiser candy, but they wouldn't tell me what they were raising money for.  I told them: You know, this is my lasso of truth - so you can't lie to me.  They laughed and said they had stolen the candy from the white trash brats on the next street.  Damn, that was some good chocolate.    
  I approach my stepmom... she tells me about various things that are going on in her life... blah blah... I ignore her defenses... with the tweezers... I stealthily pluck one of her 2-inch eyebrow hairs...  
  I live in an expensive neighborhood; the houses literally cost millions of dollars. I rent a cottage and can barely aford it...the Bay Area is expensive. If my wife and I didn't have the just ok jobs we do, we'd have to leave.  I was walking to the train this morning to go to work, and a cop pulled over and asked me all sorts of questions: Who am I? Where am I going? Where do I work?  He wrote down my name. At first I was a little pissed, but by the time I got to the police station I realized that my jacket is kinda dirty, I haven't shaved in two days, and I was wearing a stocking cap on top of a baseball cap (it was cold). Plus I have long hair.  Compared to everyone else in my neighborhood I look like a hobo.  Realizing this actually made me happy.  Fuck those fucking yuppies.   
  When I watch TV, my eyes glaze over and my tongue sticks out, and all of the muscles in by body become limp and lifeless.  It takes an incredible amount of energy to break me out of this state.  Once, I completely missed a five-point-something earthquake because I was watching TV.  I'm pretty sure it's because I grew up without TV - I was not trained to cope with the excessive stimulus from a young age like most of my peers.  Anyway, someone once took a picture of me in my TV-watching stupor, and showed it to me.  Wow, that was embarrassing.  I'll never be able to run for president!  
  the first time I slept with him was a disaster.  he tried to be suave and seductive, and it worked on me.  then he started to talk during sex, which was something I had not really done before.  "oh yeah, suck my cock," he said, and my first thought was, "how dare he!"  I was already doing it, though.  with great ease, it pains me to say.  I guess I just didn't want to face reality.  
  ...it sucks laying in bed wide awake at 3 am contemplating  jerking off for the forth or fifth time so that maybe just maybe you can stop thinking about anything for a few minutes and go to fucking sleep.         
  Driver's Ed. at my high school was notoriously bad.  My senior year, the fabled "Driving Nazi" instructor was off doing something else (indulging in pedophilia?? who knows?), so we had a replacement.  Thankfully, due to age and class requirements, I never had the privilege of driving with Mr. Nazi. My sister just finished driver's ed.  Apparently, Mr. Nazi gave her hell every day, and at first, she felt like all the other submissive kids.  Crying, and such.  After a while, he hit the extra brake on her and threw the car in a skid.  She flipped, and told him exactly what she thought of his Nazi-ish ways. He was silent on the drive back, until they reached the interstate.  He told her to drive faster.  She retorted, "I can't in this crappy car."  Then floored it.  When they were going 80mph, she glanced over briefly and hissed, "Is that fast enough?"  
  There was this guy on the bus who was always rubbing his crotch, like, out in the open?  And he was reading this Curious George book in a phony, gravelly voice.  Then he yells, "I WAS SUNKEN ON THE McCLINTOCK!"       
  Went to this party this weekend...  Woke up the next day... I was like, "damn, I feel great!"  I jumped out of bed and that's when the floor hit me in the face...   "Dammit, I'm still drunk."  
  So I was 17, going out with a 16 year old virgin.  I had my dad's station wagon for the afternoon, so we went to a park.  We're in the parking lot, laying out in the back.  The wagon had those fold-down back seats that made it an almost-perfect bed.  She's going down on me with gusto, and I'm really enjoying myself.  I noticed another car pull into the parking lot, so I looked out the window.  It was a cop car.  Just then, I blew.  The cop car turned around, and left.  I never told her.  
  it was probably 1am and we sat alone in her living room, drunk as all get out.  her roommate was puking in the bathroom and her boyfriend was skulking in her bedroom.  we quietly smoked cigarettes, conjuring up the balls to broach the subjects that will now never be discussed.  her bedroom door opened and she dropped her cigarette in the tray, but it fell on the couch and i didn't notice.   he  didn't approve of smoking.  she burned a decent size hole in her roommate's couch.  it was over after that.  not immediately, but certainly.  i can't tolerate a best friend who has neither spine nor common sense.  
  My wonderful sweet 50's mom has two lowbrow moments:  One- now that she's "old" and dowan't care what anyone thinks, she wants to get a tattoo.  No mere rose for mom, she wants to get a sign tattoed on her inner thigh that says "Eat at Joe's" complete with arrow pointing up.  My dad's name is Joe.  Two- I wasn't there for this moment, thank god, but apparently it broke up the whole party.  My mom, while drinking jug wine with my sister-in-law and friends had gotten pretty tipsy and said the following,  "Let me tell you, your father will lick anything".   That is what I call a toe-curler.   
  I hate the janitor at my work. So does alot of people.  I took a violent shit in the sink to get back at him. He bitched like hell. I could hear him complaining after he went to clean it up.  Word spread fast.  Seems like everyitme I go to the bathroom, there is a sink with shit in it.  Damn unoriginal bastards.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Wal-Mart, Grand Rapids, MI.  My grandparents picked up a CD player and a pack of CDR's and paid for them in the electronics section.  Seems someone stole the bag from their cart as they continued to shop.  You robbed a retired couple of about $100.  Enjoy hell a few years down the road.  Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I met him in a math class in college. Nice guy, but he seemed to be the type that always feels the need to have an anecdote to tell, and if he doesn't have one, he'll make one up.  Most of them revolved around his high school friends.  They drove up to pay him a birthday visit over the weekend, and I was invited along. My life for three days consisted mainly of thinking to myself, "Holy shit, that's another thing he /didn't/ make up."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I once fell asleep with my brother. I awoke to find him massaging my legs. I discovered something wonderful that night, you can find true love anywhere, even at home.        
  I recently had a conversation with an online friend of mine. He stated that he was rather pissed off at the world, and was getting to be quite an ass. I sat there thinking about what my husband would say if he heard what I told him next.  "If you would just get laid you would feel a whole hell of a lot better"  The sad part is that I know from experience that sexual deprivation leads to assinine behaviors and attitudes.  
  a group of friends and i, in a drunken frenzy, went in search of a lawn gnome; the local traler park was our destination...  while the only lawn gnome we could find was bolted down, it was christmastime, so we collected a few styrofoam candy-canes, a cardboard toy soldier, a stone statue of a squirrel, and an assortment of other oddities we found decorating the astro-turf front yards; we ended our search when i came across the prize of the trailer park excursion- the pink flamingo...  we next drove to a rather affluential neighborhood and we proceeded to decorate a random lawn with the various items...  i wish i could have seen the look on their faces as they pulled out of their garage that morning...  
  Recently overheard through the door by the kid delivering room service at the Marriott in our town:   "No, honey, not that way, blow is just and expression."   We learn everywhere we go....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)              I work with a two way radio,and some times people get gabbing. One guy who also was running for a seat on the town council(and lost). Meant to say "I'm Retired" But instead said "I'm Retarded". Lol. Lol. Lol.  
  He was smiling  "This has been one of the best days of my life"  He said. "I'm tooling around in my new muscle car, I won a fifty dollar bet, I went to the Asian massage parlor & got a complimentary blow job and now it's the 20th anniversary Dungeons & Dragons game!"  I said:  "See, isn't sex better when you don't pay for it?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I made love with a woman while her husband watch us.  I knew he would be excited to see two women together, and it excited me to see him frustrated, masturbating...cuz he wasn't allowed to touch either of us. Afterward, he slept in the guest room and I slept all night in his bed with his wife. She has him trained well.        
  So I'm sitting on the couch with one of my college-educated comrades who spends all his evenings at my house, and we're watching the standard idiocy about stupid people (the kind who are too stupid to read lowbrow) kill themselves with ignorance and chemicals while equally stupid but repressed old people cry out "what can be done?" like the fucking government has all the answers. I let out a beer belch and pontificate this masterpiece;  "Alls I need is a baseball bat and gas money. There's your government program."  I'm still convinced that this is pure essential truth. Contributions?  
  Last weekend I got drunk for the first time and smoked 3/4 of a pack of unfiltered cigarettes recommended by the cig shop guy as highest in nicotine content.   I don't smoke.        
  I'm drunk.  I just closed my roommate's door and then ran headlong into it.  I busted the lock out.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         very late on a capn morgans binge frydaddy and fatboy are exchanging insults  its not a truck its a mini van its a truck van truck van its a fucking truck   it really is a mini van        
   I saw her from lift only half-way through a long uphill traverse. She was struggling with her snow-board, the wind and the grade which was getting steeper. As I get closer I hear her talking to herself: "sniffle sniffle (trying to hold in the tears) BOARDERS DON'T CRY!! BOARDERS DON'T CRY!! BORDERS DON'T CRY....."        
  I guess I was just lonley to have pulled over that day on route seventy - wind whipping across the red New Mexico prairie and two Native American kids racing up to my car to catch a ride.  The older kid sat up front and grinned and told great stories while his younger brother drank beer in the back seat and blasted his death metal.  All the while (over 100 miles) quietly going through my things and pocketing all things valuable:  my leatherman, best atlas, favorite shirt.   I dropped them off in Albuquerque (where incidentally I saw the fineset girl of all   time   stroll across a suburban lawn - good god) and the kid made one last ditch attempt to steal more stuff.  I caught him and made him smoke his last bowl with me before admonishing him (while his brother nibbled sunflower seeds and shook his head) and returning to the desolation of twilight highway and the soul-less stretch of road to the Texas border.   
  Back when I was 18, I was dating this girl who was cute but had one problem. She had this long black hair sprouting out of the edge of one of her nipples. This horrified and disturbed me.   Did she not see it?  Why was it there day after day?    WOW, did she ever jump when I finally got the balls to pull it out nonchalantly with my teeth.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In anatomy today, I noticed something odd that the teacher had done.  On the box in the corner, the one filled with the dead cats we'll discect, a sticker has been placed on the side. It reads:  "Stop animal cruetly." And has a picture of a kitten playing with a ball.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Do you ever try and remember how you learned how to read? Obviously at one point every letter in the alphabet looked Arabic to you, but somehow you learned. What did they look like to you before you learned them?  It's the same thing with language. What did it sound like to you before you learned it?  Or how about using the toilet? Surely no one taught you how to pee. How about controlling your bladder (I know it won't be all of you)? As far as I remember, I would shit my pants, and then all of a sudden I wouldn't. I kinda wish I could go back to those days just to recall my learning curve.  I can't remember what it was like to just shit my pants. I wonder what we thought as we were doing it? Was it a "Hey. That kinda feels good." or a "Mom's gonna be pissed." type of thing?  What was it like to take a shit without that whole constricting of the sphincter? Ahh to be young and carefree.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I walked past my friend's super hot girlfriend in the hall today. I made the following haiku as I passed:  Hello there Brittany You gave him head like 10 times You are so damn hot  I'm poetry in motion, baby!  
  a friend pointed out a gorgeous young woman across the bar from us and asked me what i thought of her . my  smart-ass response was "i guess i could throw a load in her if times were tough" . then he told me she was his sister visiting from college-uh-oh.        
  In response to the 'moments' I've seen on here reffering to the "toploader", and the "upperdeck", me and my friends have developed offshoots of this prank   the burrito:  when you are at a party at someones house, and they have a pullout couch, unfold the couch, take a shit on it, and fold it back up.  The smell will not be evident until well after the party, and the clean-up is a bitch  The other one is knows as   the Lumberjack :  When you are at a bar and someone you are drinking with is pissing you off to no end, hop up on the table (or bar), drop your pants, squat over their drink, and proceed to take a dump in their glass. They'll be in such shock they won't even have a chance to move their glass.  Needless to say, the second one requires a little more stealth  
  My wife and I went to a hotel in town one night just for fun.  We rented a whirlpool suite, got some chinese takeout and champagne, and proceeded to spend a nice evening together.  We filled the tub, turned on the jets, and climbed in.  We fucked like monkeys in that tub.  We ended up having anal sex in that tub, and being a nice guy, I pulled out before I came.  I ended up shooting my load into the tub - with the jets on hahaha... just remember that next time you are at a hotel with jacuzzi's.  I don't really believe they have a way to clean the internal plumbing of those things.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I had just finished throwing up in the wash basin in the ladies because there was a queue of ten girls outside the cubicles. Someone I didn't know held my hair back while I barfed and I remember thinking "It's not bad enough that I'm puking, but you're fucking hurting me too, Jesus if I don't get this over and done with I'll be bald by the time she's done".  I finished, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand a spat a few times. My face was pale and clammy, my eyes were red and my mascara was trailing big lazy lines down my cheeks. My nose was running.   I cleaned up a bit more, wiped my face so all of my makeup was gone and looked in the mirror. There, written in lipstick against my pale, washed out, puke flecked reflection were the words:  'You're too good for him'.  
  Chicken roadkill on the Grand Central Parkway in NY. Maybe this sort of thing is the norm in the Midwest, where livestock and farmland are commonplace. But not here. That's the first, the last and the only time I've ever seen something like that. Makes you wonder where the heck it came from. Why did this chicken cross the road?  
  More Tips On Being A True Pot-Head  Do you own a box?  Is it sizeable?  Be sure to get a box that fits your needs.  Cigar boxed work well, but be creative.  I got a cheap-ass little safe bank for christmas a few years back.  It holds a few pipes, papers, rolling mahcine, extra baggies, scissors, business cards, roach-clips, everything but the damn bong.  Get one.  I tell you this, because when you break up your weed, and roll that joint, or pack that bowl, there will usually be a small amount of left-over shake.  Scrape it into your box, and forget about it.  Keep doing this, until you are desperate, or it begins to become too much to bear.  It't like getting a free high, even though it's your own stash.  Business cards/Playing cards Have these in your box.  It is MUCH easier to scrape up the little green pile with a tool, then tooling around with your fngers.  Plus, you won't lose any being stuck to your fingertips.  Makes things a whole lot easier.  And get some damn scissors!  If I have to struggle through another bowl of un-broken, and/or chunks, I will stir it around, and finish that bitch in one hit!  Break up the buds, not only will it burn better, but it won't be a struggle to take a hit.  Besides, this is another valeuable weed-saving devices.  Finger-breaking can leave residue on your fingertips, and that is good smoking material.  Scissors not only make the job easier, but much neater, as well.  I'm still considered "young", and yet I have to teach these people...  
  I was at a live chat with my favorite actress, Alyssa Milano. one person joins and says, "I've stopped doing my homework so i could be here right now." Alyssa responded, "You should do your work. I like smart guys." The guy promptly left the chat room.  what an idiot.  
  Walked into Macdonalds the other day and ordered some fries. Girl behind the counter doesnt even look up and asks :"Would you like fries with that?"  it was a bad week from that point on...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           Limbo Comes To America   My girlfriend, and intended wife, was in Colorado, so I was going to stay with her parents for awhile. Before I came, I looked at the map. Rockville Centre is only about five miles from JFK. So I told them that I would just walk, so they didn't need to pick me up. They laughed, and explained that I just didn't understand, and insisted that her father pick me up. I slung my Navy bag over my shoulder, and headed out to the greeting area. Tiny, dapper guy comes up to me. I'm 6 feet tall, and he's about 5'2". He glances doubtfullly at my casual attire, and my shoulder-lengh hair, but  leads me out to his car. An American car! Finally! But it's just a Plymouth Valiant. Geez - he's a diamond dealer, why isn't he running a Cadillac? It's hotter than I've ever experienced, but he turns on the air-conditioning. (Air-conditioning! In a car! Oh, Brave New World...) He drives out of the airport. I'm goggled by the fact that we're on the wrong side of the road, and look around enchanted by the Long Island scenery :-), and the police cruisers, and actual black people... I'd be happy to just goggle for awhile, but he wants to talk. Definitely. I can't remember what he actually asked, but what it meant was: "You've been sleeping with my daughter!" I'd rather just have goggled...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I just found out my grandpa had left my grandma back in the 50's and started another family. Had a girlfried and a son, so my mom has a half brother she never knew about. He was gone for years until they heard from him.  His body was found in 1952 near a train track. It was ruled an accident. I have the newspaper clipping.  
  It is an amazing thing to masturbate to photos of your wife that were taken by her ex.  
  Does Everbody know that April is National Poetry Month?  Here's one for you:  Roses are red, Violets are blue, Erdl, erdl, erdl    
  I woke up this morning still drunk, in fact I felt more drunk this morning than when I went to sleep (passed out) So I wake up go and take a beer/whiskey shit... you know the kind that has the consistancy of pancake batter with little hard bits mix in.  Anyway I look at my wrist and I am wearing a hospital band. Well confused and bleary eyed I stumble into the living room of my apartment, and there on my couch is a beautiful brunette in tiny little shorts snuggled up with a throw pillow blanket half off of her. Her tight buns were begging to be spanked. She says to me, "hey (name) how'd you sleep last night?" stunned I begin to ask her, "I'm sorry do I... did we....?" she smiled and gave a bit of a giggle and responds, "yes and you were fabulous!" Well I figured I'd be honest with her, "I don't remember a thing I appologize but what is your name?" Anyway we talk for a bit and she gets me to show her my penis... in walks my roommate I begin laugh at the situation, and he rushes me, pants around my ankles, dick in hand, drunk and dazed I fall to the floor then he yells at me because my cock rubbed his thigh when we hit the floor, I begin to laugh so hard that I pee.  Turns out it was my roommates 16 year old slut sister, and that hospital band was from the bar, part  of a promotional thing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm black, but I have rather light skin and (sexy) green eyes, so I often get asked if I'm half white.  As far as I can trace on my family tree(the turn of the century), it's all black. But green eyes aren't exactly an African trait.  I suppose it could have been a story of love against all odds, interracial romance in the 1800's. But that seems pretty unlikely.  I figure I had a pretty great-...-great-grandmother who was owned by a horny, green-eyed white guy.  
  Cabbie story #1:   Chicago, coming home from a conference.   iscalculated how heavy the traffic would be at 4:00.   Downtown to O'Hare...   Road work...   5:00 Flight...   Explained our dilemma to Robert...our Kenyan cab driver.   Most amazing cab ride we've ever had...I didn't know a cab could drive the yellow line between lanes of traffic.   Made it with minutes to spare.   I tipped him heavily.   If I ever want to pull a bank heist, I'm hiring Robert to do the driving.   
  This is the fourth time I've taken a shit today and it's only the early afternoon.  I'm not talking raisin-shits, I'm talking full-on, make-small-animals-die shits.  So if I don't start eating more soon, I'm afraid I'm going to be missing some vital organs at the end of today.  Well, I wouldn't miss my ovaries...  
  i spent the night with the man who's not quite a boyfriend, waking up to some delicious, sticky morning sex.  he fed me breakfast and drove me home.  cut to later that night, a fling with a friend.  he fingered me expertly and brought his hand to his lips.  told me i tasted good.  i must remember to pass along the compliment to the original source.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         if you ever find yourself in rio de janeiro, brazil, go sit in the beer garden outside the disco called HELP on copacabana beach. i absolutely positively assure you that it is impossible to keep count of the many lowbrow moments occurring near you and often to you. and from there, for around 40 u.s. dollars, you can go back to your hotel room and turn it into a haven for all types of sin. or so i heard.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was obsessed with a girl with one hand for a year and a half.  She was beautiful, except for that nub she had instead of a hand.  I should have concentrated on how fucking gross that nub was.  Then maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt so badly.  You should have seen this bitch try to operate a bong.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I've never been much of a fan of Saddam Hussein either, but man does he clean up well, that is one classily dressed despot.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         at Christmas dinner, he asked me why i was going in for surgery.  i told him the truth.  i have a very large cyst.  i think they're going to drain it, i'm not sure, but i was hoping that they were going to remove it, then i would ask them to put it in a jar for me to carry around.  i was thinking of naming it Bob.  he knew better than to ask me questions.  i can't believe what delicate constitutions members of my father's family have.  more prime rib for me.  
  You know, if I was going to be a prostitute, I would have to go lesbian.        
  Coming home on the bus from a party, this girl no one really knows to well pukes everywhere. As the bus goes up and down hills, the vomit (comprising mainly of liquor) moves up and down the length of the bus, coating the entire floor. When the bus driver realizes what has happened, (which doesn't take long), she threatens to call the cops on the underage girl unless someone goes to the depot and cleans the puke. Devin and I spend the night learning about the methods of bus maintainence.  The job gets finished after the last bus stops running.  We call the girl "vomibus" for the rest of the year.  
  when i lived in madison, my friend "m" and i would get high and watch 'days of our lives' everyday.  he had a roommate, "b", that had the sometimes disgusting but always admirable habit of bringing some slut home whenever he felt like it. one day, during our daily soap, a really nasty one comes out of his room and sits down with us. m looks over at her... "who the fuck are you?" "oh, i'm b's friend, (insert whatever her name was here)." "where the fuck is b?" "oh, he's still sleeping." "ok, here's the deal, you either go the fuck back into b's room, and wait for him to wake up, or you walk the fuck out that front door, because you sure as hell can't hang out with us." she quietly went into his room, got her stuff, and left.  i was rolling on the ground, holding my gut the entire time.  
  Conversations get a little more interesting when you start using the finger "quotation" things when they aren't warranted.  
  Just for kicks, I wrote a little app to pull 1000 moments from the server, and calculate the frequency of multiple posters.  If the 1000 the top 20 are as follows:  sorry_e_e@hotmail.com | 49 snikrepkire@hotmail.com | 23 limbo@IJustGotFired.com | 20 UMCPong@aol.com | 17 Xerxes_the_Great@mad.scientist.com | 10 LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com | 10 stillbonging@smoke.net | 10 xxx@mentors-weride.com | 7 limbo@lowbrow.com | 7 mrsgodzilla@hotmail.com | 6 DonChilito@hotmail.com | 6 cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com | 6 john_clavis@yahoo.com | 5 tyger@lowbrow.com | 5 maurice-zodiacs@excite.com | 5 jimmy@jim.com | 4 julian_zin@hotmail | 4 abig_problem@yahoo.com | 4 emerald_darkcrow@yahoo.com | 4 pastapimp@yahoo.com | 4  If you're upset you didn't make the cut, you might want to reevaluate your life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i fell asleep very, very drunk the other night.  i woke up sometime in the very early morning -- maybe about four -- with the dire need to urinate.  it should be noted that all of the following is a fairly regular occurrence in my life.  the thing is, while i'm in the bathroom, i notice that my boxers are somewhat wet.  it should be pointed out that this is *not* a regular occurrence.  in fact, it falls into the "never happened before, honest" category.  i never was quite sure if i pissed myself or not.  i'm pretty sure i'm happy enough leaving it a mystery.  
  I had a business trip to the States, starting in Atlanta Georgia before moving onto LA and ending in Dallas. It was May, and hot and sticky in Atlanta and Dallas, and hot and bright in LA. During one of the relaxation days in LA we went to the beach, and I got burned to a cinder. I always burn in California. That's what you get for being a pasty-skinned englishwoman. Next stop was Dallas and I had a free day so I chose to indulge my addiction to coasters by visiting Six Flags Over Texas. My skin had lost some of its redness and I just slapped on some sunblock and forgot about it. However, the humidity was making me sweat, and after a while I noticed that the sweat was collecting in little bubbles beneath my burned skin. I began to scratch at them, and soon huge leaves of skin started falling away, a bit like that scene where the guy looks in the mirror in Poltergeist. It was pretty damned disgusting. I certainly felt sorry for the maid who had to clean my hotel room. The bathroom floor was adrift in dead skin.  
  My friend and classmate called me up because she needed some help on a paper. She tells me that 3 english majors couldn't figure out what the teacher was looking for.  They recommended me.  I felt flaterred. She then said that everyone knew I had a thing for the young professor. I said "Just because I'm smart and sometimes make a witty remark I'm flirting? Trust me..you'd know if I were flirting.  I'd be wearing low cut shirts and lipstick..and eating cherries." She apologized. Maybe I should wear lipstick..I mean..damm he's got a nice ass.    
  i was dropping my friend off at his house, and had just passed someone when all of a sudden my car started to lose its guts.   hm... what could be wrong? oh. shit.   no gas.   so we turned it around, and started pushing it back to the gas station / intersection less than a mile or so away.  eventually we got it going pretty good on the slight downhill slope, and i jumped in the driver's side, exhausted.   it kept going all the way to the stop light, and then i jumped out to push it to the intersection. it was really hard... then i noticed that my friend wasn't helping. my friend had disappeared somewhere in the confusion.  so i had to push my car to the gas station, and the pumps are all on a slight (visually undetectable) hill, but it was quite strenuous doing it alone.   people stared. i sweated copiously.   halfway through filling up the tank my friend ran across the intersection to me, and i asked what happened.   i guess he didn't catch up to the car when i jumped in... oops.   but i will NEVER forget to look at my tank-meter again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What were the odds I would be walking down a nursing home corridor passing by a quadraplegic guy's room while his TV was on just in time to catch  that old Stouffer's french bread pizza commercial jingle trilling "Just One Hand Is All You Need!" and could overhear him growl one word "IF"?        
  So I'm half asleep in my bed, and I go to bring my hand out from under the covers when I feel something moist and chunky next to me.  I sorta awake and start thinking if this is from me. I realise that I haven't jacked off in a coupe of hours, so it can't be that. I haven't shat myself or urinated in my sleep. So what can it be?  By now I'm scared, so I start to rub this substance. It seems to be dismanteling in a kind of puddle.  By this point, I'm fucking wide awake and I jump out of bed to turn on the light and have a look.  So after my eyes adjust to the brightness and I pull off the covers...  It was some kind of crunchy insect...WAS!! Now in my bed lays a fucking puddle of insect guts all over the fucking place!  So after I come to therms with what has just happend (and fuck was I ever pissed) I take the top, clean, sheet and sleep on the floor for the rest of the night!  The worst part of all I had seen this bug before arround the house earlier that day and decided not to kill it.   From this moment on, I will never spare another living thing again!  
  Bored, waiting out the last 10 minutes until we close, the manager and I are watching people stroll past out in the mall. We comment and giggle about some of the freaks of nature we see.  "Look at that one" I say. "He could be Fat Bastard, if he were a little more attractive! 'Git in mah belleh!'  " "That's my husband." she says quietly.  I didn't like this job much anyway.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I started smoking weed when I was 16.  I was an anxious kid in school and this seems to alleviate all unjustified feelings of anxiety so I went with it.  So, for the next two years, I smoked regularly and ultimately graduated.  I spend another 2 years after I graduated smoking and hanging out with friends.  I spend 2 years after that smoking when there was nothing else to do or when I was going to see a movie in the theatre.  Then I spent 2 MORE years smoking about once every month and thinking that I missed the first two years that I smoked to alleviate stress...only to notice that it only made me horny and hungry.  Now I only smoke when I have plenty of time to fuck and eat.  I guess what I'm saying is that, no matter how old you are, there's always room for a little bud smoking.  
  The warm music engulfs me i sit, relaxed mind open, awaiting the experiences to come the trolly approaches, waiting to whisk me off to new places and adventures. To a world of happiness and bright, loving colors. then i remember that Mr. Rogers sucks ass and i change the channel.        
  one time i was all set to hump the night away with a gorgeous girl i had only just met.  in a tent in a canyon in arizona.  she wanted to get cocked but i didnt so i faked a few sips of her rock-nasty vodka and juice.  she got hammered.  then we smoked a doob of some really great hee-ha from northern ca.  she proceeded to go berserk.  just as she threw me down and started to rip my shirt i foolishly said 'dont get woozy'.  she bolted upright and dived for the door of the tent - stuck her head out and power puked.  she slept all night, in a ball, her ass in the air, her head out of the tent on the soft read earth - just before her pool of vomit.  and it lightly rained on her pretty head though she never woke.  irritated with myself (not knowing the next day we would finally get a real taste of each other) i beat off that night while staring at her ass.  dont you just love a happy ending?  
  "What do all these restaurants have against the Michael Schenker Group?" asked my friend from Tokyo as she regarded all the "We use NO MSG" signs.          
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Myself and two other guys were living together in a house in arlington  We had a pool table.  We rocked.  We made a $100 bet of who would fuck on the table first.  Next week, one of our friends notices a white stain on the table.  "What the fuck is this!?!?"  He didn't know we used 3M spray applicator to re-felt the table.  I still got $100 out of him.  
  At what point will one wake up to find that so many people have pierced themselves in all manner of places, and regaled themselves with tattoes of one variety or another, that it ceases to be a provocative statement?!? Vanity is certainly one of the more amusing human vices.  
  If it aint suckin my dick or makin me money I aint got time for it  
  Remember when the Atari 2600 game console was popular?  Remember when you could get the games at Revco (or any drug store) for $5 each?  I failed the seventh grade because of this low-tech trash.  I should've been jerking off, lifting weights and scoping out the hotties.  Instead, I forever left a scar (albeit mental) on my educational history by this over-commercialized, plastic piece of shit.  For all of you Sony & Nintendo jockets out there, learn this, oh young grasshopper: put that fucking controller down, turn that shit off, take a shower, hit the gym and meet some women -- not the pretend japanese polygon bitches.  Trust me, your johnson will thank you for it.  
  When I was still a wee pup, I remember this commercial that used to come on for Sunny Delight.  It had this kid on there, talking about how grown-ups may be big, and and may be able to tell us when to go to bed and whatnot, but us kids have the Sunny D. Yea, it was a stupid, "kid-power" commerical, like they like to put on Nickelodeon er whatever.  But after watching that commercial I remember thinking that if there was some kind of a giant world war between the kids and the adults, the adults would have all the power, control of weaponry, be able to drive, etc.  And all the kids would only have Sunny D.   And we would be so fucking screwed.  
   Illegal Seafood  Legal Seafood in Boston is a truly great restaurant, where the focus is on the fish, not you. Like they won't leave dishes sitting under a heat lamp until all the orders are ready. When it's done, it gets delivered, even if your table-mates have to sit and watch you eat on your own. If you sit politely, and wait for their meals to be delivered, the staff will get on your case for wasting good fish. I order swordfish. In almost no time, the fat steak is delivered. "Who gets the shark? Oh, yeah, you." Plunk. I look at it. I hate sending food back, but I really don't like shark. I send it back. Four minutes later, a different server appears: "Who gets the swordfish?" Plunk. I look at it. She's re-arranged the parsley, but it's still shark. I call the original server over. She takes one look at my plate: "Did she just re-arrange things and call it swordfish? She laughs long, then grabs my plate and returns with a swordfish steak that I don't get charged for. Good place.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My girlfriend and I are back at my mothers house for a long weekend. Monday morning and my mom's at work, we start getting down on the couch in the living room. I go down on her for awhile, then we start fucking. The doorbell rings. I ignore. It rings again. I try to ignore but start getting paranoid that whoever this persistant asshole is might walk around back to the porch, look in through the sliding glass door and see my bony ass humping my girl. So I get up, put on my robe and go to the front door. I'm dishevled to say the least, my face glistening from my girl's juice. It's a friend of my mother. She apologizes for "waking" me and gives me a brief message to relay to my mother. I tell her no problem, and without thinking, lean out of the door to give her a hug and she kisses me on my moist face. Awesome.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I went to private school because my school sucked.   The Reason: Everyone who can vote in this town is either left wing dorks who patriotically don't vote, or stupid, senile right-wing replublican seiniors. When it comes voting time for the budget, the school's budget get voted down  I left school because I was tired of the rat problem, the lack of locks on the stalls in the bathroom, the lack of any good teachers, or just teachers in general. I hate that school because everyone there is incompetent, the principal's previous job was teaching 3rd graders at a nunnery. I'd like to watch that school burn because every seinior privelage, and every interesting thing that made student life easier was removed by the bleeding heart bitch principle. Burlington High can burn to the ground.  I'm entering my seinior year at a Private school, and for the first time in my life, I enjoy school.  
  So it's Christmas Eve, 2002. My roommate wants to get his work check cashed and it's after nine. Kroger's is closed, so we drive to a ghetto looking 'Checks Cashed!' convienence store, get his check cashed and head to Target.. which is closed, big surprise there. So, we decide to head on home.. only the one driving and another guy (both of them are roommates too) want to stop at some chicks place and pick up some of his stuff that he left there.. so we do. We get up to their apartment and knock on the door.. and wait.. and wait.  Inside, they freak. They think it's one chicks parents and start hiding all the weed and going nuts.. we finally get in, they relax finding that it's just a couple of guys.. and break out the weed again. Not about to let weed pass by my nose without getting in some tokes, I ask them to pass that big-ass joint over my way, and take a few good tokes, and pas sit back.. suddenly we're all getting high. (Except for the dude that cashed his paycheck. He can't smoke weed. [Don't ask, I didn't.])   So yeah, anyway.. suddenly we're all stoned and playing Grand Theft AUto, Vicy City. Laughing our asses off as we take turns running around stealing cars and beating up people for the fun of it.  Now that was fun.. if only it were just as easy to get away with in the real world. Just run up to someone, drag them out of a car, and just start beating the shit out of them.. and then stealing their car.  Somehow I'm pretty sure you can't get away with this for real... but wouldn't it be great if we could?  That'd be some bomb-diggity stress relief. heh.  
  The bar was closing, and a bachelorette party was taking some final pictures on the dance floor.  I walked up behind the presumed bride to be and did funny things while the photos were snapped. Y'know, I grabbed my croch, formed my fingers in the form of a "V" and thrust and wiggled my tongue through it, and of course I gave the double-barrel middle finger salute (I am a sucker for the classics).   The photographer came up to me and thanked me for ruining her photographs. I said she was welcome.  I love not having to be responsible for my actions.  
  Why is it that when you go to a grocery store during the day you buy stuff, normal stuff.  But when you go at any time during the early AM, you always seems to be walking up to the register with some odd combination like string cheese and steel wool.  
  I had to institute a rule where I never beat off to images/thoughts of women I know.  The chances of my accidently saying something stupid are just too great.  Me: Thanks for the great time last night. Her: What?  I was at my sisters all of last night. Me: Shit, look at the time, I gotta run.  
  it was on the redeye from vegas to new york where i noticed a woman, frosted hair being drawn back from her face by french-manicured nails, reading a well-worn bodice-ripper. she noticed my glance. "sweetie," she said. "you don't look so good. wanna mint?"   &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "I'm sure your car is worth $60, man.  I mean, the tape deck alone must be at least $5."  
  I masturbated to Jane Fonda's workout tape.  Too lazy to get up and put in a porno  
  Chemistry Lesson.  Methane.  Clear.  Odorless.  Flammable.  The Lessons here, my friends, are numerous.  1) Farts CAN be ignited. 2) Never light a smoke around a group of construction workers or truck drivers who just finished off a meal from Pancho's Taco Truck.  and three....THIS IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT....  That smell, my friends, stems not from the gas, but from tiny particles of shit that escape through the clothing, into the air, and fly right up your nose and into your mouth.  That's right.  SHIT PARTICLES. Tasted any good shit lately?  
  My brother and I had been sitting in the library-procrastinating on some term papers.   All of a sudden out of complete bordom he started to drool all over himself, slurring my name, and cunvulsing himslef out of the chair rolling across the floor.  He landed right in the middle of "story time" amidst a screaming mass of little kids. I have never seen so many tiny tramatized faces in my life and our visit was cut extremly short by the librians swelling blood red face.  I still can't remeber what she said.      
  I think my stepmother is getting more and more crazy with each passing day.  She's become a wierd conspiracy theorist, who believes that the world revolves around her.  We were driving through an alley, and we came across a delivery truck which had stopped to unload a few things.  They were blocking the way.  She starts bitching about it to me, and she says "You know why they aren't moving the car, right?  It's because I'm a blonde in a convertible."  Right.  That's gotta be it.  
  The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.  
  I graduated with a high GPA in only three years from a great university.  I have been accepted to several law schools.  I have a full-time job at a law firm.  My father is the chief of police in my hometown.  I can't think of a single night in the past month when I haven't been high from weed, doped up on pain killers, or drunk (or a combination of any of them).    
  he pats elvis on the shoulder from behind hi elvis elvis turns around saying hi he drills elvis in the face just for laughs  true story       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my brother told me his girlfriend had given his cock the name Mr. Hopeful.  how fucken cute  so when I got home to my girl I thought about it while I gave it to her good.  when we were done I announced that from now on when talking about my cock she must address it as 'the Glorious Beast'.  she pissed herself  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the dark hours of the morning while zipping along the PA Turnnpike I was being tailgated quite closely. And he his headlights were quite bright. I reckoned it unsafe, and punched the accelerator to approach the outer edge of the acceptable speed envelope. The bastard was still on my tail! The road was pretty empty. What kind of sick fucking game was this asshole trying to play? Finally, I rolled down my window, stuck my arm out and thrust him "the Finger". "That'll teach him!" About ten seconds later, his red flashing lights and screeching siren pierced the silence of the road. But this time, it was his arm out the window waving me to pull over. The State Trooper swaggered up to my window and said: "Son, if you ever wave that finger at me again, I will fucking break it off!" And it was only 5:15am!       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         my shitty McJob was pissing me off to no end, and they wanted me to work easter weekend when i'd rather have been out of town "visiting family."  my boss asked me why my till had been $146 short the day before. i shrugged, having no idea and not caring. i informed him i wouldn't be coming the next day so i didn't really give a sickly shit.  i went up to the breakroom and had a bloody nose (happens a lot, my nose is always full of clotted blood these days). decided to draw an inverted pentagram in blood on the wall. it turned out nicely, and i hid it behind a stand of lockers.  there were guys doing maintenance that day, so it's possible they pulled the cheap sheet-metal lockers aside and saw my work while it was still fresh. but i'd be just as satisfied if they discovered it weeks later. pricks.  
  I attended a private school that was grades K-12.  One day, a high school senior was found with a coke machine on his head.  He was trying to reach in the slot while shaking the machine to get free coke.  Honestly this is the major reason why all pop machines are bolted to the wall now.  He was dead.  There was a full school assembly to talk about the event.  There was a question and answer session to deal with the tragedy.  A few dumb questions came up and I had one burning question that I had to ask...  "Are his parents going to sue?"  I was told "that is silly, they are Christians, now sit down!"  My class mates all gave me shit, asked if I was trying to get business for my dad (an attorney) and I took hell for a good week.  In the end?  The parents sued the shit out of the school, coke and the faculty that should have been watching him.  All the teachers had to take a pay cut to pay for the settlement and some were let go, specifically the one who told me to sit down.  All I can remember thinking was "who's sitting down now, BITCH!"   
  Last night I dreamed that Santa Claus and Richard Nixon were taking turns sucking me off.  Any of you dream analysts out there want to try to interpret that one?  
  I realized the other day that once I have devised my means of travelling to the center of the Sun and after even accepting countless scientific awards the studies I compleated there i would never admit to the public that the only reason I went was so that...  For one brief instant.....  Every planet in the Solar System would revolve around ME!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After drinking large quanities of Absolute at my best friends wedding reception, I met the Brides father at the bar, (did I mention he is also my girlfriends pop).  "Ed" asked me, "so Brendan when are you and Teri going to take the big step"?  I replied in my best professional voice, "well Ed my philosophy is, "fuck it or fight it, it's all the same", "why pay for the milk when you get it for free....know what I mean". Ending that brain fart with a slap to his back.    Sounded good at the time.  
  Midnight. 90&deg;. Can't sleep, even naked. I get in my VW camper, and drive up above Taughannock Falls, near Ithaca. It's a national park, and it's closed, but there's nobody around, so I park off the road right next to the cool creek. Still too hot in the camper, so I go lie on the naked rocks, smoke a bowl, and finally, blissfully, fall asleep. Flashlight in my face. Disoriented and scared, I jump up quickly. State trooper gets nervous and pulls his gun on me. Only time in my life I've ever had a loaded gun pointed at me. I do  exactly  what he tells me to, but he still cuffs me and locks me in the back of his cruiser. He has my pipe, and even when I ask him to, refuses to give it back... All that for a $115 fine?  
   As the instructor continued with the demonstration, despite the  giggling students, he was oblivious to the loudly gurgling sink behind him.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         walked into english class, feeling like a child, giddy, impulsive because it was hallowe'en...not too many people were in the room yet, the teacher, a few people i didn't know too well...started talking loudly, kind of in that unthinking- showing-off-sort-of-way, saying that hallowe'en is the second most important holiday of the year...somebody asks what the first is, and i say "christmas, of course", with a big stupid grin on my face...only afterwards realizing that the teacher is jewish...i felt like such an idiot, so insensitive...maybe he didn't notice, but even still, i wish i could apologize        
  I work at a grocery store.  When the women come to my register, I like to ring up the zucchini last and hold it out towards them as I ask if there is anything else I can help them with.  They never get it.  
  I was watching True Romance in my basement, and some friends walk in. We talk for a little while. My dad walks downstairs with an axe in his hand.   "Which one of you assholes parked in front of the garage?"  Spencer timidly raises his hand.  "Alright. You and I are going to have a little race. If I win, I won't be responsible for my actions."  Spencer and my dad run upstairs, but my dad stopped to catch his breath at the landing. He has been smoking since age eleven. Spencer saved his car.  Long live Phillip Morris.  
  I forgot the eleventh moment in everyone's life, possibly because it so often coincides with at least one of the other ten. Nonetheless, I feel remiss. Everyone on Earth, no matter how beautiful, refined, or superior they may act or seem, has:  11. Fucked somebody that they will never ever admit to having fucked.  This includes your parents. Sweet Dreams!  
  I was 14, and a friend dragged me out to some rollerskating rink in Bury St Edmunds. This was long before skates became cool - these were the old-fashioned ones with the wheel at each corner. I couldn't stand up in them yet somehow we managed to climb up the spiral staircase to the bar, where (looking as old as we possibly could) we persuaded some boys to buy us larger and limes. Getting down the spiral staircase, drunk, in rollerskates, was not the hard part.  The hard part was trying to go to the loo afterwards.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Back in college I finally got to do this chick I had been friends with. She had the best pussy ever. However, she slept around some. Since I had health coverage with the campus clinic I though I should go get checked for VD...  Ya' know, just in case....  Holy hell what an ordeal. The student nurse had to stick me 4 times to get blood for the Syph test. Then I was put in one of the examining rooms, to wait for, get this, Dr. Thorn.  There wasn't anything in the room except this 10" long Q-tip looking device in a sterile bag. I sat there staring at that thing and finally realized....where that thing was gonna go.....  Just then, Dr. Thorn walks in. He's older than dirt and scowls at me intently. He then has me stand up, drop my pants. At this point my dick is in like negative reverse mode. He says, "Hold up the penis, please."  I fumble trying to get ahold of the peanut that is now my dick. He then takes aim like a fucking Zulu warrior and sticks that shit about 6 inches inside me. After rolling it around a few time he yanks it out. I'm then free to go.  My shit hurt for 5 hours after that. But after the acid kicked in everything was better.  My tests were clean, but I never got to bone that chick again.  
  I don't know which was more embarrassing:  waking up in a pool of my own vomit or doing so in the bed of friend whose house I was sitting.  I washed the sheets, but the smell is still there.        
  We were camping... In Pennsylvania... In May. I was about 10 years old and hadn't packed appropriatly for the cold weather. Actually, the only one of us (including my parents) that packed appropriatly was my little brother, who packed it all in a cloth bag. Well, somehow in the process of packing, the spout to our cooler was left open in the back of the truck, letting melted ice leak everywhere. Later that night my little brother wanted to change into his long johns and realized his whole wardrobe was soaked and freezing. So, we all got long sticks and proceeded to "roast" my brother's tighty whitey's over the fire. We lost a couple of socks but we got some great pictures!!!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One of the girls at a local Starbucks now associates me with her breasts. I do not mind this at all.  What happened was that a buddy of mine since kindergarden who works at Starbucks invited me to a little Christmas party that his boss was having. Near the time when my buddy and I left, the conversation turned to how women have a higher tolerence for pain than men. At this point, my buddy and I were standing on one side of the room, across from the women, and a FULL LENGTH MIRROR. (This will be important in a moment) One of the women, in order to prove the point, mentions that she got her nipples pierced without any pain killers. She then turns to face the other women, and the FULL LENGTH MIRROR, and proceeds to display her piercings. It wasn't untill her show was done that she realized I saw the whole thing.  When I saw her at the store a few months later, she had just been asking my buddy about me. I need to go to more office parties.    
    Your foot isn't stepping where you placed it. Quick as *that* you're  falling forward and your ovenmitted hands shoot out instinctively.  No fair! you want to shout, but you can't 'cause the sight of 40 or 50 flying fishsticks is kind of hypnotic. Not worth wrecking your knees over, but that's what happens when you trip over your oversized palazzo pants while wearing platform jelly sandals, hurrying to put dinner on the table.           
  if any of you are ever in the Atlanta area, visit the Clairmont Lounge, for it is a 24/7 lowbrow moment.  last time I was in there I had Blondie, somewhat of a local celebrity, give me a black eye after I paid her to titpunch me repeatedly.  Later I saw her coming out of the bathroom still wiping her ass, look into the TP, ball it up, throw it in a corner, and then give a guy a lap dance with his nose directly in her ass.  Blondie also will give poetry readings.  she is black with a blonde wig and runs at least 240 pounds.  
  The husband and I are looking at new apartments, and when we get out of the car, the neighborhood is oddly familiar. Then I remember- his best friend lives in this building, with the wife and kids that I despise. Husband is all chatty with plans for me to have her as a new best friend, to babysit, etc. I gag silently. Then I take the rental agent aside and quietly ask if a bankruptcy last month will count against us.  We move to a nice place the next county over, a twenty minute drive from his best friend.   
  Noticed on my floor what looked to be an opened condom wrapper.  Thought to myself 'don't remember using one of THOSE lately!'  (its been a while)  Closer inspection reveals a flavour sachet to a packet of two minute noodles.  Ah well.  
  VEAL  Just for the shock value, I bought one of those anatomically-correct blow-up sheep.  The guy at the counter asked me whether I'd like sheep-themed condoms to go with it, and I politely declined.  My girlfriend was pissed. Mike & Kevin went to the county fair & saw the real thing, and informed me it was scary how accurate the hindquarters of my new acquisition were. As Jory came down off an acid trip, he swore that the inflatable sheep (now hanging from the ceiling, pi ata-style) was that baby from Trainspotting, crawling across the ceiling to haunt him. I contemplated whether to get rid of it, as it was proving a danger to public health.  But Steve made the matter moot by popping it as he dry-humped it in a drunken fury. Does this count as one lowbrow moment, or multiples?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every other day I retrace my steps in that New Jersey Dunkin Donuts 20 years ago. Between what actually happened on the graveyard shift and what I wished would, I must've come 50,000 times.        
  I hate telemarketers. I know it's a job. I know it sucks worse than a $10 Thai lady-boy with mouth sores and a chipped tooth. Hell, I've done it. I've even done fundraising for my college, which is basically asking people who were tortured by a bunch of sub-human degenerates made untouchable by virtue of having not been fired in 10+ years, to give money.  But if you call me at 6:30 in the fucking morning to try to get me to switch banks, you deserve what you get.   An example:  Unsuspecting Victim: ... and if you switch to $BankChain today, we'll give you two free tickets to anywhere in the continental United States.  Me: I don't fly. Ever.  UV: Oh come on. How do you ever go anywhere?  Me: I drive, or take a train.  UV: You're kidding me. How could you refuse Two! Free! Tickets?  Me: 'CAUSE MY WIFE AND SON DIED IN A FUCKING PLANE CRASH LAST YEAR, ASSHOLE! (NOTE: I have never been married.)  UV: Guh-gu-guh  Me: SLAM.  Groggy girlfriend: Who was that?  Me: Dunno. Some telemarketer.    
  I was siting at a blackjack table in Las Vegas and another player was moaning how he only had about 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Another player broke the table up with laughter with the remark "welcome to Las Vegas".         
  Running to catch a bus on 57th street in Manhattan is not that great of an idea...   I tripped on a piece of exposed pipe, pulled a superman for about five feet, arms out stretched, legs kicked up behind me, and landed on my face and forearm.  I proceeded to slide on my face and forearm for another five feet or so.  I sprained my arm and did some very creative things to my cheeks and nose.  The really funny part of it was when I stopped sliding, my feet took a second or two before falling.  It couldn't have been more loony-toon in nature.  
  Replying to another moment:  Spending half an hour trying to figure out how come when you try to post a moment without an email addy, it kicks back with a scold, but then you read a few and notice some don't have any addy at all, not even a blatantly fake one.   Lowbrow inspires tech curiousity, there's a headline for you.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com   ****  My guess, HTML comment block starting at the end of the "your moment" block, and ending in the email block. --lowbrowgrr@yahoo.com start comment:    
  there is freezer burn on my microwavable macaroni and cheese.  
  last night i found out a friend of mine has rather, um, sensitive toesies.  he asked me to give him a foot masage and since i *love* feet, i agreed.  i don't think i got him all the way there but he was pretty fuckin close.  so, we made up a new word: toegasm.  god bless my magic fingers.  
  Yet another story you can do, too...  But first, let me ask you: Are You One of THOSE Assholes Who Are Rude To Bartenders For No Apparent Reason?  Beware.  Ever wonder why you get the shits real awful after some nights out?  I'll tell you.  It's not the drinks, but the extra something added to them.  It's a little known fact, but Visine gets more then the red out, when added to drinks.  It's probably the most pleasurable way to get back at bastards.  At the restaurant I worked at, we probably did this a thousand times... just a few drops in a drink will do it, and they'll be sure to have an awful night.  I'm gonna do it to my inlaws, too, next time they come over.  
  My buddy and I were watching a high school play with his little sister in it. She has long, straight, nearly black hair and is built like a stick figure. She was wearing a lot of theatrical make-up. He leaned over and whispered --way too loud in the quiet gymateria-- " MY SISTER LOOKS LIKE A VIETNAMESE WHORE.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         This morning my sister brought over doughnuts and two little cartons of milk.  As I open mine and take a big swig, I notice it tastes more like yogurt than milk, really.  Chunky, too.  I spit what I hadn't swallowed back into the carton, and show her just how chunky and spoiled it was.  Funny thing is, had she not been there, I think I might have had a little more. That stuff tasted kinda good.  
  im a student nurse. when my patients have surgery, it takes a while for the peristalsis in thier digestive systems to start up again. during this time, i periodically check their abdomens with my stethoscope, listening for those beloved "bowel sounds" (think right before lunchtime, your starving and your coworkers can hear your stomach rumbling)to indicate proper functioning of the gastrointestinal tract. getting to the lowbrow part: when im in the room, and my patient looks at me all ashamed when theyve just farted aloud or crapped in their beds, i smile, and assure them of how happy i really am that they just did that, because it means they are recovering nicely. and i mean every word of it.    
  I was walking up to a guy in a club I used to work in to ask him if he wanted a lapdance and I stepped in his ice bucket one of my with my 5 inch heels.  I didn't ask him for a dance.  I just apologized and scurried off with a grin on my face and my tail between my legs.        
  "Lather, rinse" is sufficient.  "Repeat" is just a ploy to sell twice as much shampoo.  My hair does feel cleaner though...  
  You know whats lowbrow? Walking into your room and finding a big steaming fresh pile of dog shit. Then picking up one of the many dirty pairs of boxers laying on the floor, in order to cover it up with, because you're far too lazy just to pick up the shit and flush it. Only to find an older pile of dog shit under the pair of boxers.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Soft peace is in my sky  Round cumulus clouds against truest blue  Or a thousand tiny ones on a hazy day  Or dazzling crystalline stars in the deepest midnight blue  And there are other havens, too  I want to sneak into a fabric store after it closes, and sleep among great bolts of plush fabric. Insular. Inviting. My softest bed.  That movie, Children of Paradise? The French one? If I could only crawl inside that film and live there, that's where I'd spend my days away from all you callous fucks who call the things I love 'douchebag b.s.' forever. I wouldn't miss you, either.        
  we decide to go camping with my roommate's 73 vw van, the pop-up camper kind. it's maine and it's getting towards fall and mud season but we load up -me, roommate and his girlfriend, me and my guy.   by the time we get to anywhere where we could pull over it's dark and pouring outside. find what seems to be some nice kind of clearing, nice and cozy, we pop the top up and sit down a rousing game of asshole in the bus, ignoring the fact that the only alcohol we have with us is boxed wine (red and pink)   Roommate's girlfriend looks up, goes green, starts scrabbling to get out of the cramped space in bus to go puke in the rain. We decided that was it, time for bed, everything's tossed in the front seat and the beds pulled out. Me and my guy on the bottom, roomie and girl (no longer puking) on top.  We're all in for maybe fifteen minutes when large commotion starts on top, bare legs come dangling down, followed by girlfriend wrapped only in her bloanket. My guy (hero he is) has the thought to reach out and yank the blanket off of her as she once again scrambles to get out into the pouring rain to puke. puking naked in the freezing rain. good times. guy explains she'd be sleeping in wet banket otherise.  next morning we get up to check out where we were and stuff - remember, it had already been dark when we got there. turns out we're right on some guy's front lawn, a vw bus with trash and pink puke all over the sides and on the ground around it.  got out of there very very fast.    
  In 5th grade science class, when asked to read aloud from the book, one girl always said "orgasm" instead of "organism".  She didn't understand uproarious laughter or the teacher's eventual decision to never call on her again.  
  Atkins Diet:  You start off only eating 20 carbohydrates a day and you should lose about 10 lbs in 2 weeks.    The first day I'm starving since there are very limited foods you can eat that are low enough in carbs to stay under 20, such as eggs and bacon and most other breakfast meat products. Yes, all the fatty greasy foods.  The next day I get the whole stomach cramping, sweat dripping off the forehead, gonna die, bloated diarrhea deal.  Probably 10 minutes in the bathroom and I realize why it is people lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks.   Hey, whatever works.  
  as i layed in the ditch after rolling my friend's truck and flying out the window with multiple broken bones and sliding on the grass for 30 feet;  "my ass hurts" is the only i could say to the EMT's    
  I remember in one episode of the Simpsons they joked about how Homer would have to rest his beer on his genitals, after destroying his insides by absorbing repeated cannonball impacts.  I'm resting my mostly empty jug of vodka on my crotch as we speak.  ...  I'm not really in a mood to laugh, I guess.  
  One time I was at a keg party back home. It was a friends birthday and there were like 55 people in a two room apartment all drinking and smoking bud and doing all sorts of other things (we were snorthing some antipsychotic drug... i dont know the name but it made you twice as drunk. Some other kids were inhaling stuff and snorthing coke/heroin, etc... but i wasnt part of that).  Anyway, i had to piss, so i walked into the bathroom. There was an empty cup on the toilet (you know, the red 16 ouncers that have appeared at every keg party ever held in the history of keg parties?). Anyway.... in my inebriated state (and with what is a very large fixation on urinating in places that society deems inappropriate), I let loose and filled the cup with my piss. It looked just like beer, so I left it there.  about five minutes later a dude went into the bathroom and emerged with the cup, sipping it happily.  
  My ex and I had an understanding. She never serves me liver loaf. I don't bring home strange women.  
  After a sexathon, I crawled off of him and under the covers.  "Let me take this thing off" he said, meaning the condom.  Silence...  "Um... it's not on me."  Silence...  "That means it's probably in you."  I pulled it out, it made kind of a sucking noise, and I handed it to him, nearly spilling the contents on him in the process.  "As long as it's full, I think we're ok."   That's never happened to me before.  I am glad he noticed, because I would have gotten up the next morning, gotten dressed, and had a condom stuck in me for an hour and a half until I got home to take a shower.    
  build a man a fire and you keep him warm for the night  light a man on fire and you keep him warm the rest of his life  
   MotorMouth 2  I look at a townhouse for rent. I just step in the door and it's mine. Perfect. Walking distance to the BrewPub, and the rest of the building is the landlord's accounting office. On the weekends, and in the evening, the whole building is mine. I know I'm on the verge of old-fartdom, but I  do still like to crank it sometimes.  I turn to him, and in my best Bwooklyneese: "OK. So, tawk to me!" He laughs, and we settle on the rent, but then asks who's going to be here. "Just me, with a certain small boy of mine staying over half the week." He nods, happy. I just totally want this place, but then there's this mouth of mine: "And, of course, a constant stream of very beautiful women. I'll try my best to stay away from screamers, though." He  frowns.  Oops -- cut it just a little too close. Came within a half-inch that time, my mouth did. But I'm living here. I guess my mouth and I will survive, somehow.  
  My roommate is hardly ever in the room. When she is, she watches my DVD's without asking, talks loudly on the phone, and keeps all manner of drugs in the room. Once, I came home at 2 AM and there were two random guys sleeping in the room. Keep in mind we're in an all female dorm.  And me? I sleep for days at a time or not at all, am a total slob, and masturbate all the time. I undress in front of her and let my alarm ring for hours sometimes.  We're both OCD and on antidepressants. Match made in heaven, I think.  
  When I was about six years old, I was playing outside by myself.  Out of nowehere, comes this weird-looking guy driving a red truck.    He says to me, "Hey, I lost my dog--will you come with me and help me find it?"    Not thinking, I told the guy that I'd look around where I lived because we could cover more ground that way.  Of course, any reasonable person would assume this guy was a child molester.  He probably was.    I was almost molested one day.  And the only reason I wasn't?  My love for efficiency.  
  True story:  I used to fool around with this girl from work.  One time I owed her forty bucks and called her to say I had it.  She ended up stopping by later on her way through to a friends house.  We hung out for about and our and ended up having sex.  As she was leaving I told her "hey there's that forty bucks for ya on the dresser".    Whatever odd thrill lived in that moment we at least shared.  
  She pulled her pants down, put her knees on the arm of the couch, then bent over and put her forehead on the cushions of the couch, proudly displaying her very nice derrier to me.  This was a sexual position that, not spoke, but screamed "fuck me, baby".  Of course, I have to listen to such commands; in the words of Bill Cosby, "I'm a gentleman, I have to oblige."  Sweaty and satisfied a few minutes later, we went back into the house to bid the passed-out-drunks adieu, then went our seperate ways.  Man, if my buddy knew how often (or how savagely) we boink in his house, he'd probably start charging motel fees.  Maybe he already knows.  I've gotta check the house for hidden cameras; that's just the kind of thing alteredworks would do.  
  I bought my very own crowbar over the weekend and it gave me such a chill.  
  I am a waitress at a very prominent restaurant in Maine.  This place is the most disgusting excuse for a four star family restaurant I have ever worked at but the tourists seem to love it.  Today I stood bye as a coworker dropped a full plate of hot wings on the floor (which I might add I have never seen washed in the year that I have worked in said establishment) I went over to help her clean up and watched as she put the wings back on the plate and served them to her customers.  They left her a 30% tip.... makes you think twice about eating out does it not?  
  Sometimes an actor can get too far into his role.  I'm playing a zombie in an amatuer film-maker's movie for his college portfolio.  I hope I didn't scare the elementary schoolers on the bus too much by telling them I was going to eat them.  I suppose my make-up was a little realistic.  
  "A MILD urinary infection," My doctor says.  and then, she prescribes horse-strength antibiotics.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was just listening to a song on the radio, and the guy singing says "I gotta launder my Kharma."  Just wondering if it would shrink in the dryer?  And can you use regular bleach, or do you have to get "kharma safe".    If it did shrink, you could sell it, but where would you get another?  damn artists  
  the most intelligent thing he has said to me thus far:  "shaving your head and wearing oakley's does not make you *extreme*:  
  a power differential is when someone automatically assumes you are inferior and actively and or subconsciously decreases the amount of options and choices you access based upon that assumption most often displayed by arrogant assholes who believe they own your ass and are most frequently erased by a well placed fuck you dance         
  Waking in the morning and knowing that my rancid, nasty trash date barfed in the sink and on the bed and I still did her. And realizing even that is still less embarassing than the time I got got spanking the monkey....  
  This summer, I was living with Coyle (a Catholic) and Elyn (a Jew). One Saturday, we're smoking and drinking on the side porch when we spot some Mormons cruising the neighborhood. They make the mistake of knocking on our door. We shout for them to "c'mon up" and proceed to offer "Brother Lyons" and "Brother Steven" copious amounts of beer and cigarettes, while consuming them ourselves.  They try to tell us about God. We wave it off with "We're two Catholics and a Jew. Sit down and have some Hard Lemonade. Y'all want something to eat?" They drank nothing but water. After fifteen minutes of our debachary, they left. I think we scared them more by being nice to them then telling them to fuck off. Shoulda spiked the water, though. ~puck~  
  I opened my  datebook the other day, and I thought, "In the off chance that I'll get a date, Will I really bother to write it down?"  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Ate a fart from some guy's bare ass in Columbus, Ohio for ten bucks. Wouldn't have been able to exit the Pennsylvania Turnpike if I hadn't eaten a different guy's booger for five bucks.  
  I wish Edward Norton was a girl so I could fuck him.  Does that mean I'm a freak?  
  I finally got the t-shirt I ordered that says Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck.  This is the only time in my life I've ever wanted to go to church.  
        Today I was wearing a beige, see through thong and a skirt.  I tripped on the last step of the stairs and fell on all fours, my skirt lifted up onto my back.  I quickly stood up and fixed myself, asking my friend next to me if anyone behind us has seen it.  Just as she turned around, I heard my english teacher yell "Are you ok?"  He was about ten feet behind me and he had seen the whole thing.  -Lauren Egavian  
  My friend and I were at the Petrified Forest gift shop, and they had this huge stone tabletop for sale for, like, $5000.  And my friend says, "Wow! Can you believe that this table used to be a tree?"  And I said, "Well, technically, most tables used to be trees."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.  
   Women of my past are seemingly lost forever since most have dropped their maiden names. But that doesn't kill my curiousity.                I punched her name in "google" not expecting much even though she WAS talented.               WOW! Phd! Full professorship! Now making full-length Lesbian Sado-masochism films and lecturing on feminism!                And I thought to myself: "what I simple life I lead....."      
  I heard a loud squeak come from the room. A male voice spoke up, soothing and comforting.  Then I heard a grunt from the man, and the woman's voice saying something quickly...  The couple exited the room, the man had a flushed face, and the woman was visibly shaken, pale and trembling.  A third man exited the room, a broad grin on his face as he turned to us, rubbing his hands together, and said,   "I love nipple piercings best!"  
  gee I wish I had some piercings and tattoos and listened to rock-a-billy music so I could be cool too......        
  On the way back from a four-day road trip, feeling an intense mix of boredom and horniness, I whacked off at 80mph, blew a huge load into a t-shirt, and threw it out the window.  I really hope I don't see any homeless guy wearing that t-shirt.  Or even worse, some charity group cleaning up the highway.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i want 1,798 boobs        
  So, I'm at this restaurant in Orlando with a co-worker.  Our waitress is really cute and confides in us that she is separated from her husband.  We ask for a place to go for an after dinner cocktail or two because, after all, we are expensing this whole thing.  She recommends a bar on the next block.  She shows up a couple of hours later and my co-worker and I are both kind of tanked.  She and I start trading shots of Jaegermeister.  That girl can drink.  Suddenly, I get that funny feeling, and the more I think about it, the worse it gets.  Yep, I'm gonna hurl.  I know I can't get to the men's room.  Since this is a Monday or Tuesday night, the place isn't too crowded (but it is noisy).  I go over in front of the big screen television (turned off) in the closed restaurant part of the bar and do some "decorating".  I find the girl who got me into this mess and somehow end up mugging with her.  Later, my co-worker and I are asked to leave after I work my way behind the bar.  
  seems to me that all of these things are merging into one, nearly formulaic prose format. seems a few have had that format from the beginning (sorry_e_e, xii, fury440, and a few others) but the rest seem to be sleazing off the inro (2-5lines), quirk/twist(3-5 lines), jab (1-2 lines) format. minus the hiaku folks but they are copying anyhow and longwinded chaps who cant seem to keep my attention (zzz). just a word from a longtime fan, first time writer.        
  If there was every a Lowbrow gift shop, it would have to sell a candle in the shape of a penguin.        
  Walking out of the downtown Ithaca porn/head shop with a yard-long package under my arm, I try to imagine who I would rather bump into less:       My feminist friends, to whom I would have to explain that the object was an enormous bong, or     My straight-laced friends, to whom I would have to explain that the object was an enormous dildo.     Then I thought: What if I ran into one of each, at the same time? Would I split in two?   So I decided the object would have to be a plumber's helper that I'd bought earlier in the day.   I thought that was perfect, until I realized that having a plumber's helper under my arm doesn't do anything to explain why I was walking out of a porn shop.  
  so, me and my buddy are getting chauffered around by my little sis in her toyota corolla.  all of a sudden, these 3 pricks in a bonneville pull up next to us at a red light, blasting the latest shitty song of the moment.  one of them happens to be a fat piece of shit, and the other had his hat on crooked...his mirror must be broken.    so, they start staring at us, i look over, stare back, and then laugh at them.  the light turns green, they squeal their tires, and take off.  they must have not realized there were cars in front of them, so they slowed down...looking very dejected.  by the time we got done laughing, we caught up with them.  me and my buddy lean out our windows and shake our fists at them all the while blasting some punk rawk.  you should have seen the looks on their faces when i carefully instructed my sister in the finer arts of pissing other drivers off.    after we passed them, we quickly cut them off, got in another lane, and made friends with this big fucking red truck.  we were going about 50, laughing, shaking our fists, and telling them to shut up when they honked their horn.  shush.  it must suck to be 17 and have nothing better to do than put a hat on crooked and be fat.  
  Taking the long way to work, I caught a ticket. The small town's finest got me for:  1) speeding 2) lapsed inspection 3) driving without corrective lenses  He had a massive bandage on one of his fingers. I expressed compassion and even blinked my long lashes at him. He proceeded to tell me the story of his finger, getting very emotional...  I thought I'd get out of this one but no. While he explained his injured finger he continued writing up the ticket.  Cussing later, I looked at the judge's name on the ticket. Hah! She was the mother of a friend and co-worker. I quickly called my friend's mom and the ticket was fixed.  Small towns!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When I was 8 years old, my family went to sea world. I was having one of the best days of my adolescent life until my uncle decided to dangle me, head first by mt ankles, over the open shark pit. It is one of the large tanks that you can go underground to look at, or look at it from above.  He said to me, " I don't know if I can hold on, ooooo, I am gonna drop ya"! All the while he kept letting go for a split second.   I was absolutely petrified. I thought to myself, is this the end of my short life? My ass hole uncle is going to drop me into the shark tank and I will be torn to pieces by the unholy creatures of the deep!  I brought this incident up the other day to my uncle at a family gathering. He of course did not remember the most terrifying experience of my childhood,that gave me nightmares for years. Later that day, while we were playing basketball, I "accidentally" broke his nose.  I hate sharks....   
  Yesterday, I came back from lunch, and there was a woman sitting on my boyfriend's motorcycle (he and I work together).    "Ahem.  Excuse me?  Are you waiting for Eric?"  She giggled a little and said,   "No, I guess I'm sitting on his bike though."  I frowned and said, "Yeah, well, he hates it when people do that."  She smiled and thanked me for telling her and moved off of the bike.  I laughed at my victory and tried not to feel guilty that I'd just schooled a 60 year old woman.  
     When my mother finally nagged me to the point where I gave up and just took the SATs, I felt it was all a joke. I hadn't paid attention in class since middle school. The only things I hadn't scraped by in thoughout high school were Bilogy, Sex Ed, and Phys Ed, which I got A's in.  Nothing mattered, shitty grades fsince 6th grade. Kicked out sophmore year. Came back senior year from a school for junkies and crazies. No college would ever want me.  I watched a dodge dart drive around the parking lot for about 7 minutes during one of the reading tests. I took a nap during one of the math tests.  Scored a 1340. Timmy got a 1360 and goes to an engineering school, Stevens Institute. I'm in community college. I'm a fucking idiot.        
  New job, new office.  New people.   That same damned smell.  The smell you find in any airfreight office.  The smell of depair and broken dreams. Makes me feel right at home!  
  After listening to her ramble on for half an hour about how her boyfriend had just dumped her over email I offered to buy her a drink.  When the drinks came she insisted on paying for her own.  I responded, "If you are not going to let me buy you drinks how are you going to owe me something at the end of the night?"  Sadly someone else was got to be her break-up sex partner.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One night when my grandma was taking me and my brother home when we were kids, a gaggle of geese that lived nearby were blocking the road.  I told my grandma that I would take of it and hopped out of the car.  I ran toward the lead goose swinging my arms in a circle and yelling.  The goose just watched me approach and right when I got up close it clamped on to my wiener right through my shorts.  The pain was so intense I started screaming and swinging my arms toward its neck until it let go about five seconds later.  I walked back to the car humiliated.  My grandma asked what happened and I replied, "The goose bit my wiener."  My grandma started chuckling and was trying to hide it but she couldn't help herself.    My wiener was bright red for two days.    
  I'm lactose intolerant.  I really fucking hated those commericals for milk when I was little that said "Milk, it does a body good." I would always grumble and think, "Not mine!"  
  Ever since I overheard the woman across the street telling her friend that not only was her husband's vile loud stinking mutt a very expensive purebred, but that it was the only thing he lived for since he became impotent.... well, I exist for the day I can dognap it and sell it to the Korean market. Of course, I've wanted to ever since I saw him tongue-kissing it and calling it Baby.  
   Eddie Tynski Farting Blue   (Knew you'd at least read this far :-)  Lacking an active father-figure, I spent a disastrous two years glommed onto a truly violent maniac my own age. Eddie Tynski. Twenty years later, when I mentioned his name to my brother-in-law, he turned white and abruptly sat down. Anyway, Eddie wasn't all bad. Sure he beat me up several times, and once threw me off the back of his Lambretta  while travelling 50 mph, but we had a good relationship, overall. He shared things with me that he never shared with anyone, like: "Wouldn't it be fun if people actually farted  blue?  "Like you see a press conference with the Prime Minister, and he suddenly gets a look on his face, and you see clouds of blue fart blowing around... Wouldn't that be great?" Eddie Tynski. I wish LowBrow was available in his maximum-security prison. Then he might be able to read this moment and remember me. Just in case he can: Eddie! Can you make noises like a pig? Can you say "Oink, oink, Squeeek!" while grabbing the shower curtain? I hope so...  
  Some guy on here posted about how he put God on his buddy list. I figured that was kinda cool, so I did too.  As soon as I typed it in, a big X appeared by His name indicating an automatic block. That's funny.  
  Kevin worked the night shift at the gas station, and we would visit him at one in the morning, he said us, along with george was his nightly entertainment. I don't know which is lower, being compared to the mentally challenged person for funnest to laugh at, or the fact that we had nothing better to do then to hang out at a gas station at one in the morning in our bikini's  
  four-ninety-five  chinese buffet  all you can eat  the bathroom stinks of MSG    &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  My buddy pulled off the highway with an extremely urgent demand from nature. He chose a familiar bar/restaurant that happened to have the facilities in the basement. As he descended the stairs, all the power went out.  Being familiar with the place, in the total darkness, he turned left, then right, and backed into the bowl with his pants already lowered.  The methane powered explosion was quite a relief until he sat in the lap of the guy who was already on the toilet.  
  Lowbrow calls to me, "Emily, reload me......come on, you know you want to."  Me:"But, Lowbrow, I have to go, I have spent too much time on here already."  Lb:"Just one more time.....No one will know."  Me:"Ok, but this is the last time."  Click......Laugh.  Lb:"Do it again."  Me:"No, that was the last time."  Lb:"I promise it will be even better this time."  Me:"Ooooooohhhh, OK........You know how to get me, Lowbrow."   Now you know I'm isane cuz I'm having a conversation with a website, Right?  
  I have a version of the "Darwin fish" plaque on my sunvisor, where the Darwin fish is fucking the christian fish doggy-style. It pretty much sums up my religious beliefs. While going through the McDonald's drive-thru, the attendant noticed it and called her coworker over to see it as well. In a shocked reaction, the coworker pushed her face closer to see it better and apparently forgot there was a glass barrier in front of her. She busted her nose wide open.  "See?" said her friend. "And you made baby jesus cry too." I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. But I never did get my change.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         how much is taking a dump worth to you?  to me, it's worth $4.52  right when the chick got to my house, i realized i had to shit.  but she wanted to play.  she won.  we played.  for a long time.  i tried hard to contain my flatulence and surpress my urge to poop.  she was giving some amazing head, and i didn't want to ruin the moment.  when she's done, i'm still trying desperately to figure a way out of this.  i mean, after all that, i can't just go excuse myself and an extremely foul shit in my crapper.  not if i ever wanna get any from her again that is.  so i tell her i'm hungry, and we drive to burger king.  i order a whopper meal ($4.52) and take a shit while i'm waiting.  she thinks i'm just washing up from our romp.  i'm stealth.  how much is a dump worth to you?  
  I had just spent a lovely evening hanging out with a couple of nice looking ladies, sisters to be exact.  The evening consisted of drinking great amounts of Busch Beer and playing cards.  At about 3 in the morning or so, one sister goes to bed, leaving me alone with the better looking of the two.  I am happy.  We start messing around on the couch as we're all alone, and nothing really happens.  I think I touched a boob.  Out of nowhere, she decides it's time for bed, and off she goes.  So I make my way downstairs to the other sister's room......  The second sister has bigger boobs.  
  I regularly flex and strike poses in the mirror after I get out of the bathroom.  Maybe one of these days, I'll get the muscles that should accompany this practice.  
  Background: I work at a movie theater. We have glass doors in the front, four of them. Exiting customers sometimes leave them open. There is no biking or skating allowed at the complex.  Moment: I watch as a kid speeds by on his bike, almost wanting to tell him to get off of it to be a dick. I figure what the hell, I never cared before. He comes speeding back in the opposite direction, hits a nearby friend of his and wipes out right in front of the door I am about to close. I'm 3 feet away from a bleeding, mangled pile of kid and bike. The first words to pop into my head come spilling out: "That was a nice trick. No biking, shithead."  I think he was only 10.  
  "doesn't rush limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay  in a bath tub while a bunch of other guys and pees on him? "-   the late and lamented Bill Hicks  
    Phone Sex   Old definition:  phone sex (n):  Sexually explicit talk engaged in by telephone, especially to enhance autoerotic pleasure. New definition (as of twenty minutes ago):  phone sex (n):  When it is over, completely over, and you've explained until you're blue in the face, but the stubborn lunatic keeps calling and keeps calling and... Setting your cellphone to vibrate-only, and slipping it into your underwear.  
  Once i asked my mate who was in USA what the first difference was he could notice then he started to tell bout the toilets the toilets in USA have huge top-holes but smaller outgoing pipes and he sat down and shit when he flushed the toilet was stuffed with shit so he said: ONE THING FOR SURE, GERMANS SHIT THE BIGGER CLUSTERS   
  This isn't mine, but a buddy of mine was witness to it.  Some lady walks into an auto repair shop and asks one of the mechanics if they carried any spare "7 10 caps".  He looks at her strangely, but she is quite sure of herself, "A 7 10 cap.  Everybody has them in their engine."    Turns out she needed an extra OIL cap.  She read the damn thing upside down.  
  Summer camp, age 12. My longtime best friend and I are talking:  Me: I have two girlfriends!  He: Who are they?  Me: Valerie Hair and Brenda Townsend!  He: Brenda?  She's MY girlfriend! What did she say to you?  Me (confused): Nothing. I've never talked to her. Are you supposed to?    
  All of my remote controls have Astroglide slime on them.  At least, I *THINK* that's what it is.  
  circuits level 300 lab in college:  the "smart" freshmen are soldering some wires.  expectedly, one of them burns themselves.  him: "ow!"  us: "go run it under some water"  him: "its ok...i already burned myself earlier this week.  did you know that dishwashers get obscenely hot?"  
  I am a phone salesman.  Taking an order yesterday the gentleman said his name was Dick Cochran.    After I hung up the phone, I walked over the the board and wrote it down on THE list, right beneath Harry Lipps and  Johnson Love.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was on a nice vacation on a "party-island" in the Mediterranean. First day me and my friend were invited to our neighbours at the hotel, three good looking girls. I start working on one of them and it end up going down to the beach for the "sex on the beach" thingy. It was great for about fifteen minutes until she suddenly screams. Chocked I looked around and saw three people are watching us in some bushes like 7 feet away. I still wonder how the got so close...  
  Never take Tylonol 3 on an empty stomache.  It feels like satan is slowly tugging at your intestines with a dull, rusty pocket knife.  It is, to this date, the most pain I have ever felt.  
  guys who say they love giving girls head are seen as selfless sensualists, proabably good lovers due to their concern for their partners pleasure. any girl who would say "I love sucking dick!" (havent met one yet) would be labeled as a dirty whore.   
  "Erin Mitchel.  I graduated first in my class from Princetion, I have an IQ of 187.  It has been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his "Brief History of Time"...........from my 4th grade paper"  -- quote from "Legally Blonde"  Comment:  I had to rewind this several times so I could actually hear what I sound like when I talk to other people.  The conclusion being: ridiculous.   
  Sometimes, when I'm picking my nose, I get one of those really big wet ones - you know, the kind that, after you've extracted it from your nostrils, you're like "Ahhhh.... much better."  But then I see how nasty it looks on my finger, and I'm like "now what the hell do I do with this?"  That's when I realize that Lady Luck has thwarted me, once again.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One morning my dad was in a "perfect brain bursting rage" once, the reason is irrelevant.  He was storming around in PJs and bare feet.    Suddenly he cursed very creatively.  He then bent and pulled something out of the sole of his pale old foot and threw it in a drawer, still cursing, without seeing what it was.    Just a little later, I opened the drawer to see what it was.    A shirt pin:  "God Loves You"        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Several years ago...  One unusually muggy summer evening. Three cars of high school sophomores. Five cases of Henry Weinhard's private reserve. Not one idea for a place to drink.  We ended up parked next to the athletic field of the school we were so recently released from, and we considered our fate for the night.  The decision to break into the press box on top of the bleachers came as a sudden flash of inspiration.  More than a dozen people half-assedly snuck into a structure not built for crowds. We all began drinking with an excellent view of the field and surrounding roads and buildings.  Some hippies came later to play midnight softball in the field, unaware of our little party.  I located the microphone that was hooked up to the PA system for the whole field. A friend's guess that it might not even be powered at all was answered by a booming, thunderous cry of  "Oh! It's sooo big! Put it in my ass, big boy!!"   The hippies all stopped their game and started looking around, unsure of what the hell they just heard.  Wanting to remain discreet, we tried to stop the kid. That night though, He wanted nothing more than to hear his voice be amplified to near-godlike proportions, and fill the previously quiet neigborhood with obscene homosexual rhetoric.  The hippies left.  Each time, we forced him away. A minute or two would pass, and once again the silence outside our box would be slain by another onslaught of vulgarity.  Even a mild beating could not stop tears of laughter coming from the kid's eyes.  This repeated for about 30 minutes, at which point someone saw the flashing blue and red lights of impending DOOM coming up the street, rapidly approaching our location.    "COPS!!"    We were stoner lightning as we left, but our self preservation instincts did not take into account our precious, wino-purchased, alcoholic gold.  Almost four cases of beer, left for the cops.  We all reconvened at another spot, now broke, not drunk at all, and cursing our situation.  Not much blame had been laid, but we all knew, and when the kid who had been shouting rectal slogans went off to pee on a shrub, we piled into cars and left.  Later, a few of us ended up drinking of ancient grape Manischewitz found in a guy's trunk, and smoking a bowl of "BC nugs" that resembled dryer lint and tasted same.  Ugh.  Eventful and good are not necessarily synonymous.           
  Seems like a hundred years ago.  I was in the eighth grade and the girls made me so horny I was in to touching them "by accident" in the hallways and corridors.  Something in me told me to stop.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         oh the makeout queen - 3 hours of snogging!! wait till you have had a long distance relationship and that one weekend every 6 weeks you spend 36 of the 48 hours naked and fucking, not eating, cat-napping, and getting more and more gentle and slower and slower as the soft tissue damage accumulates and you have trouble walking to the bathroom because your legs are rubbery from exhaustion and lack of food.  
  Is it a bad sign if you find yourself muttering the Litany Against Fear when getting ready to call a girl?  I shall not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration...  
  My friends and I took our revenge on the neighborhood dickhead. Justin shat on his doorstep, and used his mail as toilet paper. The rest of us split up, and peed on various other parts of the house.  When he came home, that dumbass thought a dog had caused the damage. Seriously, dude, dogs can't use TP.  
  A long-time married guy wanted some excitement in his life and so he bought a motorbike.    His wife cautioned him about riding those things because they were dangerous.  But he thought little of her opinion.  While riding home from work on the Interstate, a car that drove too close tapped his rear wheel and sent him reeling.  At 60 miles an hour, he fell off the bike and skidded on the hard, unforgiving asphalt for a quarter mile.  The only thing that could deaden his skid was the concrete median divider he was headed straight towards.  In what he thought were the last few seconds of his life, all he could think was   "Oh shit my wife's gonna kill me!"  
  The beer from the bar was stale from the delivery lines or the patrons lack of good taste.  They tipped the glasswhen they filled it as though it would foam over the top.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
   i bot a 1971 Firebird 350 big-block for $400. I drive it happily for three years. I was in no less than four accidents (two villain and two victim). It had been rusted, toasted frozen,smashed. After the final accident, I received a check from the offending women's insurance company for $500 and sold it for $200. The radio still worked though one headlight shone upwards and outwards at a 45 degree angle. They (not even the Japanese) certainly don't make cars like they used to!!    
   I smelled the patch of skin inbetween my thumb and index finger,"hey thats FUNKY"  try it, you may have the funk.       
  I'm sick of these STD commercials. These people always look so happy. Now that they can be treated in 3 days instead of 7, everything is GREAT!  Fuck that. If you're contagious, I want as much "in your way" as possible. I want to be able to see the lesions, so I know to stay away.  At the very least, tattoo a surgeon general's warning on your ass.  
  I guess when you talk to God it's called Religion. But when God talks to you it's called schizophrenia.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         quotes from a toothless old man bar october nineteen ninety one  ya shouldna drink dat shite itll kill ya slowly ya know  the only things in life that dont kill you slowly kill you quickly  yah but that shite at least show a little taste  i cant taste it at all   the locals take their alcoholism seriously questionmark        
  A guy walks out of the bathroom, packing a soft-pack of cigarettes on thepalm of his right hand. "It's just like the airport, it flushes for you."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, "Father."   After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"   Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"   Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called, a sonofabitch."   Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.   Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"   Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."   Priest: "No, you don't understand-that's what the fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"   Bishop: "Hmmm...you know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother.   Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"   Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"   Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a sonofabitch!  Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."   Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."   That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.   Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch."   Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch."   Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch."   The pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat,leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says.....   "You know, you fuckers are all right."        
  Recipe for kitten kebabs:  Kitten, pineapple, kitten, onion, kitten...   
  Today i was sleepy and made the decision that i wasnt going to church tomarrow, instead i was going to sleep in.  Right after making that decision in my mind, i decided to get a bowl of lucky charms.  The milk tasted good at the time ...but after huddling on the shitter for 2 hours i made the conclusion that the milk was spoiled.  I think that proves to you God is kinda does have a sence of humor: a sick and twisted one.    
   So What Does A Scotsman  Really  Wear Under His Kilt?  There's always the famous: "How can you tell if he's a true Scot? He has dandruff on his shoes." But here's the definitive answer: Female American Tourist at Edinburgh Castle: "Please tell me if anything is worn under your kilt." Scots Guard: "No, madam. Everything is in  purrfect  working order."  
  I get these fuckin annoying porno emails and they are all usually generic with shit like STACY WANTS YOUR CUM ALL OVER HER FACE but there is this one that i keep on getting that stands out: NASTY DIRTY FLEA BITTEN WHORES DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!!   I really wanna know how they got flea bitten and if they have videos of that.   mmm ITCHY.   
  My friend has all of the "boy band" CDs, but if someone flips through his CD case and questions him about them, he says they belong to his girlfriend. He doesn't have a girlfriend. He doesn't even have girl friends.  
  A friend was talking about how someone she knows had his wife's mouth wired shut so she couldn't cheat on her Weight Watchers or whatever.    Other friend in the discussion said, "I knew a girl in high school who did that!  I would watch her down one of those little bottles of Mylanta." The other girl then said, "I knew a girl in high school who did that too!" I find this greatly, greatly disturbing.    
  A birthday is rolling around and since I had nothing planned, this hot waitress from a restraunt I frequented asked me out to dinner. We met for a drink and before we went to eat, she wanted to drop by a friend's house. We get there and it turns out to be a surprise party for me.  While I am still in shock, the hot waitress tells me that she has to leave to go out on a date.   What was supposed to have been a celebration of my life actually left me dateless, horny and hungry while I had to pretend to be happy about it in front of my friends. I felt like the planet's biggest loser. I got drunk very quickly and my friends wondered why I got pissy at the end of the night.  
  More From The Store:  The other day, I caught a homeless crackhead stealing tubes of lube.  What the fuck? If you're homeless and a crackhead, wouldn't you want money and/or crack? Wouldn't a lubricated jack-off session be fairly low on your list of priorities?  
  "Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. "  -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas  
  I rushed out of my apartment to start my day.  I was already running late.  Due to the loose fit of my shorts, and a pair of old, cheap, poorly fitting boxers, my cock kept poking out of the fly in my undies.  That, combined with my hurrying around, caused many unwanted stimulations.  Great.  I was late, I was pissed, and the last thing I needed was a hand-job from my underwear.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In the beginning, each tribe possessed only one word, until on one fateful day the tribe who possessed the word "let's" began the sequence of events that would change the world. They said: "Let's let's let's let's let's let *let's* let's let's!". And off they went to conquer the "go" tribe. From that day on, they chanted "let's go go let's go let's let's go let's go go go let's let's go let's." Upon chanting the new wonderful combinations, they went off to conquer the "conquer" tribe. They roared "let's go conquer let's conquer go let's conquer let's go!" And finally, after a long and difficult struggle, it came to pass that they acquired the "pussy" tribe.  
  I wish I could remember how many times I have wanked on the job while I was getting paid.    There is nothing like cash compensation for a relaxing orgasm whilst sitting on the shitter!!  I wish I could tell my bosses that shit when they fire me.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i applied for work at a gas station near my house once.  having seen all the people that work there, i figured if all they were looking for was a bad attitude and a glazed over look in the eyes, i was in.  they didn't hire me.  the next week i was pumping gas at the same gas station.  i went inside to get a candy bar.  came back out, got in my car, and drove off with the nozzle still in my tank.  ripped the hose right off.  i bet that's one decision management is proud of.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So many to choose from...  Well, when you're jobless, financially strapped, living in your Honda AND trying to make your weekly $100 vodka allotment count, you can't be too choosy about that first drink of the day.  Even if you barf it right back up again.  My theory, put into practice on way more than one occasion, was that if what came up still looked like mostly vodka, then it went back in.  I kept a mug handy for that purpose.  Mmmmmm.  
  my girlfriend just told me that Independence, MO, has a huge population of Mormons, of all things -- oh yeah, and they're all Samoans.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          confession   I only miss the smell of your pillow.  
  Two of my friends and I took a trip to Europe in high school.  We only had one night in Amsterdam, and to tell the truth we were a bit too young to partake of all the vices and entertainments that town has to offer.  We did feel like a drink.  I approached a pair of police officers.  "Excuse me, but could you tell me what the legal drinking age is here?" I asked.  "We're not from around here." I added, quite unnecessarily.   "Sure.  Pull down your knickers."  "Excuse me?" I gasped.  "If youve got hair on yer dick, you're old enough."  They burst into laughter, as I slinked away.    
  In my college career:  I've taken Ecstasy about 15 times.  I've eaten mushrooms over 12 times (once 2 days in a row).  I also grew them for over a couple of years.  On several occasions I've tried (recreationally) coke, dxm, morphine, vicodin, percocet, soma, hash.  I drink most days and smoke weed daily.  In 4 weeks I will graduate with a 3.7 G.P.A. in international management.  Those commercials were right.  Drugs definitely ruin your life.  I could have had a 4.0.   
  one of the email addys ive noticed on here (not because of any real quality to his posts, just noticed it) is bagofrats@aol.com  and im sure its supposed to be Bag Of Rats, but it always looks like Bag O Frats to me....  
    My first time at BINGO. My mother(55) and I (19) decide to drop in and play a game and leave so we wouldnt be tempted to blow our money.     ME: If one of us wins...lets split it in half.  MOM: Umm...why doesn't the loser just get $100?  half seems like an awful lot of money for the loser to get. I don't think that's fair for the winner.  ME: ok, sure... sounds fair... I could use the hundred bucks for school. We won't win anyway  MOM: Good i'm glad we agree... let's play!!   those BINGO games move fast let me tell ya! First game of my life and I won 600 bucks!!! All the senior citizens who had been sitting there all day long shot me the ugliest looks ever. I know six hundred isn't much but I cheered and was so happy because my financial aid hadn't come through yet. On the way out my mother looks at me and says,  MOM: So we're splitting it right?        My mom is the best friend I've ever had!!!  
  Another lowbrow from my friend the communication therapist:   Old men's genitals succumb to gravity the way old women's tits do. She knows, because she has to be careful setting old men in their wheelchairs so they don't sit on their balls.   "Missy, I ain't sittin' right!"  
  Last week I saw a pregnant woman's pussy.  I was so hard that I had to go pull one off.   The fact that I am a second year medical resident at a prominent LA OB/GYN hospital makes that a little more lowbrow, I guess.    
  Senior trip comes along near the end of senior year. We have been looking forward to this for two years. A friend (spoiled brat doctors son) brings along his laptop. We arent allowed to smoke in the hotel and because it is a school function. So we are all sitting there wondering how and the hell are we gonna smoke (window was sealed and the door had a piece of tape so they would know if we tried to sneak out) We try taping a plastic grcery bag over the smoke detector. We try to undo the srews in the window. We try everything we can think of and it hits me. I was trying to think too much like myself and not enough like MacGyver. So i run oer and grab my friend's (john) laptop and open up kazza and search for something. Start to download it then turn the brightness off on the screen and said don't touch this anyone i have an idea. Oh shit was the saying that night as they all watched me run around. I straightened out a few coat hangers, took the back cover off the microwave and did various other things to make them question my sanity. Soon i checked and the song was almost complete. Ok guys here we go. We all piled into the bathroom and i grabbed the hair dryer. I then pried off the vent. . . no not with my swiss army knife. I am not the real MacGyver. Then turned the hair dryer on and sat it in the vent. Blowing smoke right in front of it so it blowed the smoke down the vent. The only room that didn't get in trouble for smoking was ours. And just to let you know the song that i downloaded to play during this all was the mission impossible theme. . . damn right   
  When I was younger my older sister and I shaired a room. She's only 2 years older than me. We were playing Barbies one night while my dad was watching us. We found a tube of tennis balls and she was like, Hey, I got an idea! I was like 3 or 4 and she put the tennis balls in my pants and made it look like a penis.   I was standing there and she was kneeling in front of me and my dad opens the door. He just looks at us and closes the door. I was embarrassed at the time, now I laugh at it. Hahaha.  
   SalomonMt9: well im going to sleep. so i leave you with this.  the way you play air hockey does not depend on your side, your arm, or even a girl (brooke).  if you win you win, if you lose you suck.  thats just the way it is.  well i would like to thank you for taking your time out to day to read my daily philosophy.  Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode of   "My Life Sux".  Until then farewell.       
  The first relationship I've ever had that could become something more than just some girl powerstripping on me is going to end in five days, when she leaves to go to university in toronto.  So I'm spending a lot of time with her, movies, theatre, art galleries, concerts, the works.  Which means a lot of driving.  I drive standard, she doesn't. She asked how a transmission works and how I knew when to shift, and my crap attempt at ratios and revolutions apparently didn't help, and she got somewhat dejected.  She is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, so I tried to express this by telling her that she should have more faith in herself.  BUT  "You deserve less credit that you give yourself."  And, to top off that magnificent blunder, I didn't notice until she had been quiet for a few minutes.  
   The Spirit Of Tom Sawyer Lives On...  My boy Wig lost the front wheel of his favourite toy motorcycle in the park.  Never mind that we'd picked it up for free that morning at a yard sale, it was his "favourite toy  ever ," and would remain so for at least the rest of the day, so he was unconsolable. I promised him that I would find it, but I wasn't able to narrow the search area down to less than 1/2 acre. The wheel was about 1" across, and dark gray. I really dislike lying, but I even more dislike breaking promises to my son, even impossible ones. So I start slowly scanning the grass, walking slowly like a heron on a fishing expedition, with my head down. I thought maybe six..eight hours of searching might turn it up. "Hi! Lose something?" Me: "I feel so foolish -- I was playing with my boy, and I lost a ring out of my pocket here somewhere." He: "Was it valuable?" Me: "You bet -- I'd just got it back from an appraisal." I show him a jeweller's envelope with "$3700" marked on the outside. He leaves, but returns quickly with his entire family. They really get into helping, especially when I tell them I'll give $200 reward if someone finds it. Me: "Oh, yeah -- and could you look for my boy's wheel? He lost it, too." Half an hour later, twenty five people, including a couple of park rangers, are hard at work. Some kid: "Hey! I found the wheel!" Me: "Great! Where exactly?" I give the kid $5, and go over to that spot and concentrate my search for the ring there. In no time at all, I find it, with a whoop of joy. I show it to everyone. They're happy for me, though a little disappointed that nobody got the reward...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in an amusement park, strolling with my brothers while enjoying the sweet, refreshing taste of an imported clove cigarette when the little teeny-bopper behind me pipes up to her little friends, "You know, smoking is bad for your health."  I put the grill on my face (The look my bros and I have perfected after years of intimidating people for pleasure that says, "I haven't killed anyone today, and my trigger finger's gettin' kinda itchy.") and spun around. Both of my brothers pivoted with military precision and we all glared at her.  I looked her dead in her eye and said, "You know what's bad for your health? Pissing off strangers."  I've never seen a little white girl get that pale.  
  I can't believe how common Tetris addiction (serious Tetris addiction, like when you dream about it and shit) is.  I have to say, I've been off of the blocks for a few months now.  It's tough.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         At the age of 14 my grandmother gave me the best piece of advice a grandma can give. She sat me down and said:  "Sweetie, if you don't use your plumbing it's going to rust"  
  I was at a local movie thatre one day when I was beset by the sudden need to fart.  The kind of need that manifests itself in a intestinal cramp that folds you in half and makes you think you;re going to explode.  On the screen a love sceen had just ended and teh actors were lying in bed basking in the afterglow of faked sex.  Just as the male actor said: "Dear, I have to tell you something very important; listen carefully..." my torured intestines could take it no longer.  The longest and loudest fart I had ever experienced exploded from my ass the very next time the cator in the movie opened his mouth.  Until that moment the movie had not been a comedy.  From that point on no one in that thater that day could take anything in that movie seriously.  
  My first experience with a black person   I was 2, my mom was walking me around with her in a store  a black lady is pushing her baby in a stroller  Me: " LOOK MOMMY! CHOCOLATE PUDDING BABY!"  My mom thought there was gonna be a racial incident.  The black mother started cracking up laughing.  Nice to see not everyone is overly sensitive.  
   "No, I don't want a Swiffer, I want a MOP. You know, an "I can put this on the top of my head and look like a girl" mop. "  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Wife was safely esconced in the Labor & Delivery room for the birth of our first daughter, so I went down to pick up something from the car. Throughout the pregnancy, people had been kidding us about sympathetic labor. I retrieved whatever I supposed to get out of the car and boarded the elevator to get back up to the OB ward. As soon as the doors closed, I was doubled over with the worst abdominal pain I've ever experienced in my life. I could only bite my lower lip and moan... I had gone pale and my forehead was beading up with sweat. I was thinking, "OH SHIT!!! SYMPATHETIC LABOR!! Ohhhh...."  Just before the elevator crested the floor that the OB ward was on, I uh..... "gave birth," to an invisible child with a very nasty disposition. I straightened up feeling just fine, and exited the elevator. I feel sorry for whoever opened that elevator on the first floor....  
  On a trip to CA to rescue my friend's girlfriend (who had left him two weeks earlier and now desperately needed him to save her)...   We stop in at an old friend of the family's house and she puts us up for the night. Don't know how I drank so much - hell, I don't even know what we were drinking... All I know is that suddenly I  had  to shave.   Went into the bathroom, foamed up, and proceeded to shave a half-inch chunk of flesh right out of my neck. Hey, look at the pretty red stuff on the white lather. Ow. Ooooh. Gosh! Say, that smarts!  Now, if I don't shave carefully, my razor still catches on the scar.  Don't shave drunk.  
  the toughest choice today came this afternoon when i had to descide between making 1 double patty hamburger, or 2 singles. this was alleviated when i found that there were 3 patties left, so i made a double and a single.  
  How some come couples wear the same kind of clothes and often will share the same interests in black leather, body piercing, shaved heads, florescent hair die and tattoos?    Do they find each other because they are alike or do they mimic each other after they get together and buy matching Grateful Dead T-Shirts?  Enquiring minds want to know.   
  22/01/02  I'm about 25lbs and a tube of clearasil away from being "hot."   
  when i was in high school, we had quite the party house (without my parent's knowledge). all my friends knew how to break in, as i had to learn after being forced to spend one too many nights at the homes of friend's conservative parents while the p's were on vacation. one time, when i went with them to who remembers where, i knew it was inevitable that they (friends) would use the house, hot tub, etc... so i told them that it was cool, just leave a note, or something, in my room so i would know they had been there. i didn't think that "something" meant a rather large, human poop (with the name 'brody' etched into it).  
  I had a shitty job back in college painting houses. I think everyone had this job at some point and you always get ripped off. I hated my boss so much for screwing me in so many different ways I had to get him back. I was drinking with a friend who knows just how to encourage me when a mood hits.  He got me to say 'I want to blow up his truck.'  As soon as that was said he got me up and we got into his car, it was late, we took the backroads out to my bosses house. His truck was sitting in the driveway, the lights were out in the house. I took of my shirt, soaked it in whiskey and stuck the end as far into his gastank as I could. This seemed like a great idea at the time. I then lit it and dove into my friends car who took off. We drove around, quite frankly, scared shitless at what we had just done. We pulled off the road and waited for some sign of something to happen. No fire trucks, no police. Nothing. By this time it has sunk in that if someone had come outside and the car had actually exploded in some way, we might be up for murder. We drive back to my bosses house. The truck is there, barely a sign of the rag that was my shirt. Apparently someone had already fucked with the gastank, filled it with sugar or salt or something, so he had actually taken the gastank and most of the innards of the truck out that day to try and salvage what he could.  Other people were obviously just as pissed off as I was, they just didn't have good friends who think big.  
  Jesus is the best drinking buddy because you don't have to ask him to leave when you're lonley and want to masturbate.  
  I only went into the gas station restroom to wash my hands. I'd just changed my tire, so they were black with road funk. The bathroom was barely big enough for one person... a single toilet and a sink.  An older man (late 40's, balding) walks in without thinking to knock, notices me and freezes with eye contact. He looks away and backs out half way before pausing again.  Changing his mind, he comes in, whips out the other older guy and starts peeing right next to me... no more sign of shame.  God I hope he just really had to go.  
  Feeling bored, standing outside my Japanese tutor's apartment building, waiting for my mom to pick me up. I ate a snack.  A really hot blond woman stopped in front of me before going inside, smiled at me, and told me to stop looking so depressed, and that it was a great day.  I smiled and said nothing. After all, my mouth was still full of leaves.  
  I turned off the highway to urinate, got stuck on what turned out to be a private drive, and the elderly farmers pushed my car out of the ditch at 10 pm on a Sunday.        
  I am masturbating as you read this.          
  Our professor gives quizzes at the beginning of each class.  After the first one, he asked the class "So what do you think of my little quizzies?"  The guy in the third row answered "If these are your little quizzies, I can't wait to see your big testies."  The best part was that it was entirely unintentional.  And that the guy got the highest mark in the class.  
  i remeber being really REALLY excited when timmy brought round the copy of transformers the movie. it felt like being eight years old again.  and then we sat down and watched it and we were left in no doubt that all kids are morons.  
  I just got a piece of e-mail in my inbox titled "Jizz, Glorious Jizz." Now if that wasn't a title in search of a Broadway tune, I don't know what is.  
  While he was fucking me doggy style, all I could think about was what he said, and how I should post it on lowbrow.  And...being high, I can't remember what that is anymore.  Which is the only thing that bothers me about that situation.   Ack...that's probably not good.  
  My girlfriend told me to make a good impression and "look professional" when reporting for my new job today: "wear underwear".  
  Ever seen the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Well do you remember those little ompa doompa dudes who sing?  Anyhow I was on an escalator at uni recently when a poster caught my eye.  Simply put, it stated:  'Looking for doompa, last seen running away with a $500.00 leather chair' complete with picture and all. That my friends, certainly was the highlight of my day.  
  "I'll have five orders of fries."  "Okay, would you like--"  "Don't say it.  Don't even think it."  
  christmas day, at my in-law's overcrowded house, i move my bowels in the more public of the two bathrooms.  unbeknownst to me, my wife and her two sisters are menstruating at the same time.  they have been flushing tampons down the aged toilet, 1.0 gpf ala california standards, at a rapid rate for days.  my innocuous movement is the poo that broke the camel's back.  my lowbrow moment is emerging from the bathroom to announce that i have clogged the toilet and need the toilet unclogging tools.    
  I lived with 4 beautiful women. All of my friends envied me. They couldn't believe what torture it was.  I didn't sleep with any of them (familiarity breeds contempt).   They expected the "man of the house" to do all of the lifting, moving, killing, and any other distasteful job.  They always got their periods at the same time.  And, to this day, I can't figure out how I kept getting long blond hair tangled in my pubes.  
  have you ever seen the john waters movie "pink flamingo"? i think it's the most lowbrow movie i have ever seen. rent it, if only for the scene with the guy who has full muscle control over his anus, and can open and close it like a singing mouth. try looking in the"cult" section of your local alternative to blockbuster.  
  A friend and I were sitting in the living room watching tv and simultaneously keeping an eye on his roommates' daughter while they were in the bedroom.  The guy came walking out proudly, tugging at his belt as he left for work. When he was gone, his wife asked us to watch her for a few more minutes.  Seconds after she shut the door, I heard the buzz of her personal jack hammer. Took her a couple minutes to finish the job herself.  Every time I ran into her husband I snickered. I hear he still doesn't know she has to finish it herself. Stand proud, big guy.  
    It's highschool and I'm at a friends lakeside camp (his parent's camp really) because his sister is having a party there and there's free booze (less than I had hoped).  I get bored because she and her friends are not the kind of people I like to hang out with so I go onto the porch and get quite stoned and reflect on the day so far.     My eyes suck and my glasses are broken which meant I hadn't noticed 3 hours earlier when a friend dropped me off at the wrong lake.  I'm not above walking long distances so I found my way across backwoods Vermont and got to the camp after a few hours.  Sure it sucked, but at least I'm quite high now.  Then one of my friend's sister's friends calls her mother and gets discovered.      They aren't suppose to be throwing a party out at the camp, apparently they were suppose to be sleeping over at each others' houses, or at least that's what they had told their parents.  Now everyone starts to leave fast, it's late and starts to rain.  I had planned on sleeping on a couch there if my friend wasn't there by 11 to pick me up and it's around midnight but I got swept up in the flow of things and ended up crouched in the back of a station wagon with some high school freshmen (they were kind of cute so it could have been worse).      My house is definately locked and my parents hate being woken up so I find myself stoned, sitting on the porch of my friends house (the one who's sister was throwing the party).  I hear the phone and some yelling and figure their father will come storming down the stairs very angry at any moment, and I don't want to be on the porch when it happens.  I run behind the house.    Then I remember that the driveway is a wrap-around and if their father is off to pick her up then he'll see me so I hide in the bushes.  Half an hour later I'm still in the bushes and no one has come out of the house.  I get sick of waiting and want to sleep so I just go into the house and head to the guest bed in my friend's room (turns out he hadn't picked me up because his car broke down on the way).  He wakes up, says "hi" and goes back to sleep.    I wake up pretty early and head downstairs, figuring his mom knows I was there (not being stoned now I recall that his father is out of town).  Since I figure she might be a little mad I'm already dressed and ready to leave after apologizing.  She walks out of the kitchen and says "Oh hi, did you just come in?  I'm making breakfast, have you eaten yet?"      I still can't believe she didn't know.  Breakfast was really good too.  
  when i was 15 my mother picks me up from a friends house and seems very angry. i ask whats wrong and she flips out. she claims that she found my hiding spot...and found my pot(along with other things). the whole ride home im thinking...wait a minute, i didnt even have any pot...so we get home and they hold of a bag of what they thought was pot, but it actually was crushed up shrooms. i wasnt going to argue with them and tell them what it really was...  
  Working in a soils lab, I often place wet samples of dirt in an oven to dry. Today's samples came from the Quantico Marine Base. The tech, who was supposed to be fired today but my dickless boss decided against it apparently, dug a hole a few days ago, but could not get the sample until today.   There are no port-o-johns on the construction site.  He handed the sample to me with a smile that "I got fucked, now I'm fucking you." I opened the bag to place it in a pan to dry. I smelled piss. (I must plan revenge but that's will be another post I'm sure).   Work must be done, piss or no piss.  I weighed the sample and practically threw it in the oven. I returned my attention to other matters, but I knew what was coming. The Irish guy knew what was coming. The boss' son smelled something burning. "Piss don't burn, I'm afraid."   I informed my boss, who seemed amused. 1/2 Hour Later he is saying horrible things and telling me to light a match.  The sample has been in the oven all night. I can't wait for tomorrow.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was busy getting really drunk and stoned with my friends on night.  My friend Shawn convinced me to drink a twixer of Malibu Rum and Chocolate milk.  Very yummy, but hard to keep down.  We decided it would be a good idea to go to the local elementary school.  While there in the middle of the night, I jumped on the tire swing, and was lying down, and spinning around very fast (not a good idea when your drunk).  Anyways I was spining fast, my friends were spinning me, and suddenly I couldn't keep it down any longer.  Its fun to puke in a complete circle all over your friends legs and feet.  The thing I always thought about was all the little kids that would be playing there tomorrow.  Oh well!    
  You know, I'm sitting here reading these low brow moments and beating my cock. It kinda makes me appreciate the internet that much more.   It also makes me think of how I fucked my girlfriend once today and made her come 5 times. She came 500% more than I did. This fact makes me so proud.  And so sore...  
  my sister, who is 13, came to stay with me for the night at school.  her parting words to my mother and father: "You have my permission to go home and drink scotch and watch porn."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         mark my words... i will never, ever date a girl who drives a truck with a "bad ass girlz drive bad ass toyz" sticker on it.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm out and about on the town with my girlfriend today. She just happens to be wearing an extremely short skirt (to die for). Only problem is that everytime she sits down, the thing rides up her ass and she sits bare flesh on whatever the surface beneath her is. I pity her beautiful bottom and offer up one of my newly acquired pants (just bought them whilst shopping). She grudgingly accepts and seats herself on them. At this point, we're on our way home, riding the city bus. When we get to my stop, I get up and start walking away then remember her temporary shielding against harassing bus seats. Not thinking, I yell back at her "WAIT! I NEED MY PANTS!" If looks could kill, that little old lady in the back would have been charged with murder...  
  While attending university in upper Manhattan (Washinton Heights) I once went with a friend late at night to a local bodega.    He said, "Watch this...I'm gonna score some rum".    I'm like, "Dude, the liquer store has been closed for hours and all they sell here is beer."  He proceeds to ask the guy behind the bullet proof screen for some rum.  The guy shakes his head and says, "no sell rum...jus beer."  Not at all discouraged by the answer, my friend plops down a $20 in the sliding drawer in the divider and like magic, a bottle of rum appears from behind the counter, and is shoved through the revolving bullet proof window.  As we walked out, he explained that it was a lot like when we were in high school and were trying to get girls to put out...they wanted to put out, but honor required that they say no a few times before they could let you have what you wanted.  Bodegas in NY have everything you could ever want, but the 'rules' require that they first say no.  Go figure.  
  You know its bad when you're addicted to those little cream buckets at resturants.      
  Recently a defense lawer was quoted;  "I would rather be the quadraplegic than the person who left him in the car."  bastard  
  I can't wait until one of my friends gets married. At his bachelor party, I'm going to get him piss ass drunk, put him on a plane to Chicago with no ID and leave a singe airport locker key in his pocket. I only wish I could be there to see his face when he wakes up to discover he missed his own wedding.   With friends like these, eh?  
  Interesting things to say in a Men's room #3:  There is a brazialn style retaraunt not too far from me... only about an hour's drive and well worth it. The way this place works is rather noteable. There is a rather large buffet. Their selection of dishes availible at the buffet alone justify the $20.00 tab per person - you could make a meal of some of their side dishes and still have one of the best meals you have had in a while.  What makes this place a Truely Fabulous find is the 14 courses of Meat.  While you are feasting on the wonderful buffet there are cooks at an open grill cooking up some wonderful cuts of meat and they bring all 14 courses to your table one at a thyme... and then they start over or bring you the specific ones you had wanted to try again.  So there we are... working over the seven deadly sins with vigor and verve, conquering Glutony to the finest degree, when I feel the desire to purge my bladder at the nearest restroom.  Yes I make it there in thyme you sickos!  But, while I am standing infront of the urinal easing the preasure in my abdomen and geatting ready to head back ere I miss the garlic-shrimp wrapped in baccon my friend 'D' (who was a little late in joining us) throws open the door to the Bathrooma and states proudly:  "Who's Ready for some Meat?"  A number of worried heads turn to face him before he realizes exactly what he said... and where he said it.  
  passed out at a friend's party. woke up and started pissing on his carpet amidst a group of 15-or-so people. he tried to push me into the bathroom, so i hit him in the face. he pushed me down the hallway, my face bouncing off the wall on the opposite end. i feel to the floor and immediately started puking. they dragged me through the crowd by one arm with puke all over my clothes and my dick&balls still hanging out of my pants. i woke up to remember nothing, but to find that the incident was captured on film by not one, but two cameras. sadly, i must admit that this was not the 1st - not even the 2nd time i've pissed on someone's carpet as a result of excessive drinking. the time before that, it was the same friend but no crowd and no cameras. i did manage to soil his 4-track recorder to the point that he had to pick it up and pour water out of it, like a shoe negligently left in the rain.  
  So we had a few beers left and I took the job to bring them back home from my friends place since we couldn't leave them there. We actually had 6 left to be exact. So I had two in my pockets and 4 in my hands. The whole time I was walking through my house I was thinking to myself that I couldn t let two beers hit each other so my parents wouldn't hear that beer bottle hitting another beer bottle sound. And few seconds later. I screwed up, a bottle from my left hand hit the bottle in my left pocket. My mom is a light sleeper so I knew she heard that. I got in my room and layed them down on my bed, which I thought to myself, it would be pretty fucked up if my mom walked in right now. The door opens, She says, I hope you're going to bed. Yeah, I'm going right now. She didn't notice the beers. So I celebrate by opening another beer. Cheers.  
  I've passed many golden opportunities to have meaningless sex with many different friends/acquaintences. Not because of morals or weird feelings down the road, but simply because I always fall asleep. Every time.   If I ever catch the Sand-man, I'm gonna make him suck my cock.   
  Overheard at a bus stop: she looked maybe 25)    Aren't I such a bad mom letting you smoke? Her daughter looked 10 and acted more mature.  When I was younger I wondered what happened to the children of the teen moms that I saw on the bus. Now I know.  
  One day I got bored so I decided to write down all the guys I've ever had sex with.  It wasn't so bad that I was drawing a lot of blanks, and it wasn't so bad that most the names I did remember had no last names because I never bothered asking...but what was bad was that there were a few guys I could remember but had to put "guy at bar" or "guy who changed the oil in my car" because I didn't even catch a first name on those occasions.  
  I saw a brown 70's van that said "Chocolate Supreme" on the side.        
  One Day, while riding with my best friend and another friend, a Suburban full of cute guys pulled up next to us. Their license plate was from Michigan.They proceeded to tell us how much they liked us and how great we looked. We smiled back at them and giggled a little.  They sped up a little, just past us, and apparently this is when they devised their little plan. After a minute or two, they slowed up a little to get even with our car. The back passenger side window rolled down to reveal someone's naked buttocks! Then  rolled back up. I guess the 'flasher' didn't want his face to be revealed. We laughed about it, they all waved as we turned at different intersections, and we waved back. We were going to meet our boss at a condominium building on the beach. We went, met with her, then we were leaving. As we're driving through the parking lot, I said, " Wouldn't it be funny if those guys were staying  in one of these condos?" When what to our wandering eyes did appear........but a Suburban full of guys unloading their gear.  Nicole honked the horn, and we smiled and waved, as did they. All except one, he hid his face, I'm guessing he was the 'mooner'. Nicole and I were to report back there for work the next day, but, alas, we did not see our adoring fans.  
  Today in my sexy lunch line...I was being poked fun at...by a kid with highwater hillbilly pants, a constant dopey look of being high, greezy hair, freckles and about one tooth...  he told me i was a freak. *cringe....*       
  excavating my attic whoa what a mess photos from who the hell remembers when one me holding a grey hair my first standing on the side of mt washington with a dopey grin like a guy who knows the day hes gonna snuff it snow on the ground snow in my hair         
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I think if I had it to do all over again, I'd be completely celibate except for major holidays.  It'd be a damn sight easier to keep track, I know that much.  
  i recantly bought a cd entitled "love songs for the retarded."  i guess thats  me.  
  One time I was drunkely making out with this girl I had just met, at my friends birthday celebration.  We were all over each other, so I couldnt figure out why she was stopping me when I tried to put my hand up her shirt. It didn't occur to me till later, that it was because we were on the dancefloor, in the middle of a busy club.  
  If a platinum blond Mexican stripper ever sits on your lap, shoves her rock-hard fake tits into your face, grabs your crotch with one hand and your cheeks with the other and asks you how you feel, don't try and be cutely bilingual by answering "embarasado."  It means "pregnant" in spanish.   
  this is a bit gross and maybe you all dont wanna hear it, but my god it was so embarrasing...during sex last week, i guess there was erm...so much lubrication, and so much in and out action that some air had gone up inside me and upon a big thrust near the height of excitement, a REALLY LOUD, really wet sounding, huge ginormous fart noise came out of my crotch  and then when he was dying of laughter and pulled out, two more, equally loud, escaped. needless to say it ended any action i was getting   
  i found this a lowbrow moment all in it self. eating pineapple makes your jizz taste sweeter.  
  Once, while at work, myself and a coworker were bathing one of our screamers.  A sad little shell of a human being, who could only hoot and holler as we tried to get her clean.  And all I could think about was how much my coworker smelled like smoke and how badly I wanted to roll her away from us and fuck his brains out right there in the room.  When I got home, I masterbated quietly in the bathroom while my live-in boyfriend slept.  
  "Pay Gentle Lazy Losers For The Service They Provide.  Slothlike citizens rule.  The government should *pay* people like me, who just want to stay in bed all day, eat cold cereal, and watch TV.  We require very little, cause no trouble, and don't complicate the lives of people who want a so called life. I'd think just our staying the out of the way all of the time instead of only some of the time would be worth something. Society's achievers wouldn't have to work around dead weight employees (the boss's lazy, clueless brother in law, for example) who would rather be in bed. The acchievers would get a plowed road, the losers would be happy-- talk about a win-win situation."  Ok, we could do it your way.  You get a 13" TV with basic cable and a wooden chair.  You eat Tofu for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and no, you do NOT get a car either.  Your bed will be bunk beds with cheap sheets, so don't think of having a serious relationship -- we don't want your kind procreating.  Oh yeah, you also have to live where the rest of us DON'T want to -- let's say the north pole or the Sahara desert in Africa...  In that society, WE win :).  Get a fucking clue.  Or kill yourself.  Either one, the world will be a better place.  
   My car broke down just outside of Pocahontas, and a few minutes later a family pulled up in a large white car.  The father, in a cowboy hat, and his son, with Jesus on his belt buckle, asked me what was wrong.  I started muttering something about the car being old and maybe the gage doeesn't work and it just slowed down and surged and stopped.  He was my route to salvation, and all of a sudden I was scared.  I thought about them being part of a Jesus cult and trying to kidmap me, only I'm not a kid anymore, so I'm not sure why I was thinking that.  My car broke down.  These people were offering me help; a ride to the station, where they were going to pick up their car.  It seemed too coincidental and then I forgot that life's just like that sometimes.  And all the way here I was admiring the red white and blue flags, thinking about America and what those colors and stars and stripes are for.  The father was like Saint Jude, or Saint Christopher or (forgive me I'm not Catholic) an angel or something.  He told me to say these words:  "Jesus loves me.  God bless my life."  and then he and his son got back in their car and drove to the service station, where they told the mechanic about me and sent him back to pick me up in his truck.  This I found out after getting a ride from a policeman to the Powhattan Motel-Restaurant, with newly finished floors, for whatever it's worth.   Anyway it turns out, I was just out of gas.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;      Hey! Pay Up!     (The ads are coming! The ads are coming!)      &nbsp;             
  returning a rental subaru outback, after a weekend at mount hood... a significant portion of it's underbody and bumper strewn across miles of trails in the national forest... "it was like that when we got it..." "we'll have to get back to you on that one..." realizing, once on the plane, that much of our disks and film, documenting our great trip, were left in the glove box.  call, explain the situation to the rental company... "we'll send them out to you..." realizing, later, that we did in fact have the disks and film... what was left in the glove box... was a glass pipe... never heard from them again, though. mentor fortune.  
   Meeting Ithaca Women Through The Personals Sue 2nd   Sue 2nd was a law student. She and I hit it off immediately, and things went along swimmingly until my best buddy bumped into us and, right in front of her, begged me for a dime bag.  
  I awoke to Jerry Springer urging the opponents to restrain themselves and a mild hangover pulsing behing my eyes.  I fumbled for my smokes.  Someone was nudgeing my shoulder.  I cracked open an eye with an almost audible creak to find John turning purple and handing me a pipe.  I quick glance at the clock told me it was only 0900.  Another day of wake&bake? I thought.  I need a hobby.  It was going to be one of those days...        
  she rubbed a key lime in a fresh rip from a hangnail just to feel the nerves crackle        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I sat there watching my new hot co-workers poke eachother in the boobs I thought to myslef, what a nice place to work.  
  After jerking off I go get myself a bowl of chips, a chocolate bar and a big glass of whiskey and coke.  It's only when I've dug my hand into the chips and stuffed them into my mouth that I realise that no handwashing took place after my 'personal moment'.  I shrug and take a sip of coke.  At least my hand was only on my own dick.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               Why must the people here use fake email adresses? are they ashamed of that wich they write? Or ae they mearly lacking in the department of self confidence? Personaly, I believe one sould use their real email addres for reasons of rcieving feedback.  However, curretly you can distinguish the real lowbrow people from the wannabe's by their email addrresses.  
  During the five hour road-trip home I had to listen to her incessant whining. The A/C was too cold. The sun was too bright. She was too tired. She had too much to do the next week. School was too stressful.  Towards the end of the ride she starts whining about her officemate at work. "I just can't stand that woman, she frustrates the hell out of me. All she does is complain all the time."  I asked her to define irony.  
  I'm not a prejudicial person, I'm white and my wife is black. I have freinds of all denominations and backgrounds. Gays don't bother me.  However, fuck the French.  
  I go to the doctor because I wasnt feeling well. She suspects that I have appendicitis and sends me over to the hospital immediately. After two days of "cleansing" (translation: mass amounts of laxatives to get every trace of solid waste out of my system) they finally go through with the procedure, violating me in ways that no man should ever have to endure.  The diagnosis? I had a lung infection. All I wanna know is - just how far up my ass did they stick that camera to come to THAT conclusion?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         You know how after you've taken a piss, sometimes it still feels like you have some in there?  This happened to me when I got back to my desk, but not wanting to go back to the bathroom and figuring that there really wasn't any left, so I relaxed all my muscles down there.  Thus pissing my pants.  This has happened more than once.  Why can't I just get rid of all my piss in one trip?  
  On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,  my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship  gave to me:   TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,   ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up  of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as  called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).  TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,  NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,   EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,   SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,  SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,  FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)  FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,  THREE deconstructionist poets,  TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and  ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.  Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)  Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.    
  we were sitting with our new friend from the neighborhood -- a young woman who asked if she could join us in our dark comfortable nook in the bar.  a young man walks in and steps up to the bar.  recognition flickers across her face - obviously a friend of hers.  she smiles, and raises her voice in greeting:  hey ed!  how's your ass?  
  I blame my parents for making me so damn neurotic.  i remember when i was real little walking around the mall with my parents and being really thirsty. My parents, being the cheepskates they were, refused to buy me a drink. i started going crazy with thirst but my parents were too busy looking at whatever stupid shit they sold in malls in 1984 to take me to a water fountain.  So while my parents are gawking at all this crap they can't aford i see this cup sitting on a bench. i picked it up and it felt full so I started drinking it. It'd gotten watered down but it was still cold and tasted really good. After i'd drank most of it my mom turns around and sees me and screams "NOOOO!!!" and knocked the cup out of my hands while saying "The person who drank that before you could have had aids!!! DO YOU WANT AIDS?!?!?!"  i remember being so scared I was going to die for weeks after that. Thanks mom.   
  only losers spend this much time living on lowbrow period waiting for proxy to boot on server 3 or for domain info to collect from a network gives you too much time think i oughta go back to using only the laptop and crawl outta my basement office and see what the hell is going on up there on the surface damn its light up there        
  Drinkin Buddies:   LowBrowLimbo*   Xerxes The Great   limbo@lowbrow*   limbo@ijustgotfired*   Snikrepkire   John_Clavis   (* Same guy? Dunno...)   Fuckin Buddies:    LaDeeFrickingDa   princess_Zelda23   the?...cutenerdgirl   cheerleaderatyercrotch   exwife@txexes   janebondage007    Yeah, thatd be the life...   
  Standing on the lawn of the Pavilion (Woodlands, Texas) watching the Kiss and Aerosmith concert in the pouring rain, miraculously keeping the joint lit, I start coughing so bad I vomit. So rather than vomit on the heads or backs of those in front of me, and because I am not spending 7.50 for a can of beer to drink and ease my ragged throat, I just go ahead and swallow. It was actually rather soothing, my throat did not hurt again all night.  
  Someone at lunch was aghast when I applauded the unknown Russian soldiers who blew away the Czar and family including lovely little Anastasia after the revolution.  "But she was a little girl," the pasty faced account exec. spluttered.  "She wasn't a little girl...she was a young royal."  I also got in trouble when I commented that when Diana's limo hit the wall that she finally became 'good' royalty.  
  senile dementia is a cruel trick here is a woman who has lived to ninety three has seen more changes and felt all the emotions of someone with that kinda mileage wrapped in the innocence of non retrieval and sheer horror of somehow losing it all when i get to that point im calling dr jacks proteges         
  If you share a printer with 20 other people in the office, how wise is it to print out your JazzFest Sex-capade porno party  invites? (Clothing optional according to the flyer.)  Don't tell me. Tell my boss. "Um, are these yours?"  
  Among the finest things ever said to me by a woman:  6) Me: "I'm tired and filthy. Gonna take a shower and go to bed."    Her: "Can I come?"  5) "Oooh.... Debase me..."  4) "Just shut up and fuck me."  3) "Do you think   would mind if we had sex?"  2) "I have two rules; one, no foreign objects, and two, no additional people. Other than that..."  And, quite possibly, the best line ever:  1) "Don't insult me by not cumming in my mouth."  
  he ranted lose lose like this is some fukking game this is my life you asshole yikes is it me or are people wound really tightly this days i think the prozac generation needs a bit of detox or at least another beer to kill the proverbial bug in the butt        
  While sitting in the bar tonight, I heard a guy having a healthy gut laugh. This laugh persisted for a good ten minutes. His friends had to drag him outside to calm him down.   I realized I haven't had a good gut laugh for about a month. Since my friend and I were hammered. We were watching porn. There were these two chicks going large on a cock, he blew, and one licked the come off of the other's face. My friend nearly puked.  I miss the days when I found Police Acadamy 4 funny.  
  sometimes when I'm masturbating, my cat comes in the room and just sits and stares at me.  I'll ignore her and keep go going, but she'll often just sit there and stare for like 5 minutes.   I just ignore her and keep beating it anyway.  I know I should probably shoe her away or something, but it's not like she knows what the hell I'm doing anyway.    For some reason, though, I feel a little guilty about it.  I suppose it could be worse: I could be beating it while looking at her.   
  One time a couple of friends of mine who were roomates brought home a keg from work. Apparently the boss bought it for the crew and they got the left overs.  Of course a bunch of us came over to party. Lots of weed, some coke, you know the usual stuff. I ended up dropping a hit of 4-way Shazam acid. this shit was kick ass.  Well I had just started to peak and was in one friends bedroom talking to him. He was already in bed, had a blacklight on, and sleeps naked. (unbeknownst to me) Now this was a small room, so there wasn't much space to move around.  Along comes someone who yells that the keg is almost empty. My friend freaked, started yelling about "his" keg, jumps up out of the bed and starts running toward me.  I've blocked most of it out of my mind but will never forget the teeth.....oh the teeth.  
  Bored and sitting my dorm room turns to going around in a circle with each guy slapping himself in the nuts with the palm of his hand.  Peer pressure exists.  
  I have an average size cock.  It's not my fault that 90% of males over 13 are above average.  
  "Jesus fucking christ no way. I'm not gonna brand you with a hot fucking poker. No, I can't. Ask Justin. I fucking guarantee you he will brand you." Justin branded him.  
  My bitchy friend had a boyfriend that she wasn't sure she wanted to date any longer. Well, I really wanted him. So when he told me that they were on a break for the weekend, I used it to my advantage. I gave him a blowjob at his house, which she would never ever do. He really liked it, but she called me up the next Monday crying and talking shit about "how horrible I was". I reconciled with her and got him to be horribly guilty. After having a ton of fights about it, the two of them broke up, and she was left crying and miserable. She became an even bigger bitch to me, and I finally gave up on feeling guilty for what I had done. To seal the deal, I seduced him again and gave him the best fucking blowjob I've ever given.  I called her while he was leaving, as I was lying covered in his cum.   I acted like everything was normal.  
  "A little vain, aren't we now?" my ex-girlfriend teased, as I took numerous nude pictures of myself via webcam.  I laughed.  "I have 20 pictures of myself, and... what... 80 pictures of you?"  Then I was curious, so I started to count her pictures.    80 was wrong.  I got to about... oh... 150 before I gave up.    Now HER current girlfriend wants all my pictures of her.  150+ pictures, sent one by one over AOL Instant Messenger.  She damn well better appreciate them.  Maybe I should delete some of them when I'm done.    Nah.    She's not my girlfriend anymore, but she's fucking hot.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         As I was walking to my car today leaving my community college, I noticed this girl with her arms full of books walking in front of my car. She looked like it was getting kind of heavy, and I thought to myself, self should I help this girl. Instead I hit the panic button and my alarm went off and her books spilled everywhere. I felt kinda bad, but then I thought, she should have a school bag for all of her books.   
   The 'Brow Leaks Back Into My Life #4  Phone rings.  Young woman: "Hello, is Mrs. [my wife's surname] available?"  Me: "Not at the moment."  She: "Are you Mr. [my wife's surname]?"  My wife and I have different surnames, so when somebody calls me that, it's a sure sign they are a hated telemarketer, so I take my cue from a recent posting on the 'Brow:  Me: "I'm her husband. What colour are your panties?"  She: " What? "  Me: "I figure you want something from me, so in return, what colour are your panties?"  She, sputtering: "Your wife is my professor! How  dare  you!"  
  my first girlfriend and me were sitting in her mom's car while they were in walmart quickly and slyly, she undoes my belt and goes after it but being young and scared, i quickly redo my belt to which she responds 'hey, you undid my dirty work!'  
  We were in New York for two weeks. It was me, my then girlfriend, and three friends of mine.  We fell asleep during CATS and the dancers tripped over us when they ran through the aisles.  James vomited during LES MISERABLES.  We thought he was joking until Daniel stood up to wipe the vomit off his new leather jacket.        
  On a recent business trip to Los Angeles for a conference, I got insanely drunk on the last night.  My flight the following morning was for 6:30 AM, and the shuttle was picking me up at 4:30 AM.    I stumbled back to my room at 2:30 or so, and by some miracle I got in the shuttle at 4:30 AM.  I got to the airport and there were like 40 people in line OUTSIDE the door, meaning maybe 200 people were in line in front of them.  I promptly put my bags down in the line, found the nearest trash can, and threw up in front of everyone.  I then stumbled back in line.    A little bit later, the person who was searching me for bombs and whatnot told me my shirt was on inside out.  "Just trying to help you out buddy."  I woke up and I had been in the air for three hours.  I don't even remember the plane taking off.    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         the glass may be terminally empty but at least we can see the glass and dont pretend that its some big ol yellow smileyfaced blowjob queen who thinks we are the studmuffins we delude ourselves into being and glass when hurled at the highest velocity at a cold and unforgiving brickwall makes a dazzling display with the soft tinklings of new rain        
  i passed out drunk on the phone with my girlfriend. she came over and i still held it to me head, even though the dial tone was long gone, and the horrible recorded message was playing over and over. she tried to take the phone out of my hand and i screamed "god damnit, i'm talking to satan!" and threw the phone at her head. i remembered none of this. we fucked later, but the relationship did'nt last long after that.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         VALEDICTION Whenever someone left our department, we'd put a cake with a farewell message on it in the department refrigerator. When a guy named Zarrow left, it said "Parting is such, sweet Zarrow." When Middaugh (pron. "mydaw") left, it was "Nobody beats Middaugh.  Nobody." Might've put the point on it by introducing him to a baseball bat, but that's a bit too much trouble for a simple joke.  
   yeah- and i'm not 'easy'... i'm 'generous'.  
  I used to work at a honky tonk restaurant with one of my friends.  We used to put Peppermint Patties in the bread oven for 30 seconds then take them to the bathroom and smear them all over the toilet seat and the walls.  Then we'd sit back and watch everybody's faces as they came out.  People used to pay us ten dollars to clean it up.  We made a lot of beer money that way.  
  "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "No - I've no idea." Cop: "You have a brake light out."  Shit!  Last time that happened, I was made to take two complete sobriety/breathalyzer tests for no reason at all. Then I spent three hours in handcuffs when they got pissed at me, followed by a 15 mile taxi ride home. Cop: "You're also not wearing your seatbelt." Me: "But I  am ..." I realized I wasn't. What the hell - go for broke. He'd find out anyway if he asked me to step out. Me: "Sir -- I never go anywhere without putting on my seatbelt. I thought I was wearing it because of this bungee cord stretched across my legs -- it feels exactly the same as my seatbelt." He shines his light down at the bungee cord stretched tight across the front seats, attached to each door handle. Cop: "What's  that  for?" Me: "To keep the door closed - the latch is broken." I take off the bungee cord and the door obligingly swings open. It could go either way -- I might get a third ticket, or... Cop starts to laugh. Slaps the roof of my van: "You've got enough trouble without me adding to it. Get those things fixed, OK?"  
  I was barely 45 years old when I was working in the docks in south Phoenix (I later figured out that this was a gigantic scam since Phoenix shouldn't have any docks). Anyways, it was the perfect place to scope out tattoos that were entertaining to look at but never have. One day, I was admiring such a tattoo on a young Mexican fellow named Gringo (that's what people called him anyway). It was of a cat eating a dog eating the cat. It was like one of those going in a circle snake things. As I stare at it, I realized I was secretly being hypnotized as the man kept on spinning around, making a hynotic motion. Pretty soon, I was under his command. Moral of the story: don't be secretly tempted to "work the docks" when you don't know what docks are.  
  He kept on and on about how his life was just so desolate and worthless and how fe truly felt the only way out of this rut was suicide. And all I could think of was:  1. Hurry up, cos "Survivor" is on in ten minutes. 2. Hope no one goes through his computer afterward and finds my naked pics.   
  I'm currently batteling a lovely case of bronchitis, and after a week of coughing non-stop I finally get the right diagnosis. The doctor kindly tells me that antibiotics can decrease the effectiveness of birth control, and to be careful.  I am instantly grateful, not for the knowledge that will keep me from procreating, but grateful for the fact that I'm finally an adult in this state and my mother no longer has to come back with me when I go to urgent care.  Meanwhile, the current man and I make plans to go to dinner. He's being deployed on the 15th, so I want to buy a disposable camera. There's a Walgreens up the street, so I walk up there. While in the store, I remember the advice of the doctor and grab a box of condoms.  I got some funny looks that day.  Oh, and the man never showed. I even shaved my legs, dammit!  So now all the wild fantasies the 15 year old checkout boy at Walgreens worked up in his head about me will never happen.  
  Over all the food service places in Disney Land we saw these metal wires strung about. We had no idea what they were for so we asked another guy who was with us. He says that they're to decapitate birds that try to land to eat food off the plates.   Bird Killing Wires.  True or not, Disney Land is NOT the happiest place on earth  
  Use the right tool for the job. Case in point: Three days ago, I had just a touch of the trots, and I had to go to work. I didn't want to be getting up every hour to deposit liquid excreta, so I popped some of the only diarrhea medicine in the house, which happened to be Immodium, a fairly potent pharmaceutical. That was three days ago. I just, just now got off the can for the first time in those three days, and I feel like I just birthed not one, but SIX baby elephants from my rectum. They were the six most massive, anus-expanding turds I have ever passed in my 20 years. So let that be a lesson for you. Don't use a sledgehammer when a geologist's pick will do. Unless you're beating someone, of course.  
  My first drunk: Screwdrivers (orange juice and vodka) prepared by my mother. I was fourteen years old and she wanted to see what I would do. She had a wonderful time laughing at me.  My second drunk: Orange Blossums (orange juice and gin) prepared by my mother. She'd enjoyed my drunk from the screwdrivers so much, she wanted more laughing enjoyment. I was still fourteen years old.  I don't know how I managed not to be alcohol poisoned. Also, I don't know how I managed not to end up as an alcoholic in later life.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Speaking of people getting forign symbols tattooed on there sorry hide...  I worked with a Japanese girl, Madoka, at a store once. A alterna-I'm-tough-cause-I-listen-to-Ani-Defranco chick came in in her tank top and braids and pink hair. Between her shoulder blades was a Japanese symbol--     Madoka said to the girl-- "That's a nice tattoo"     "It's the symbol for WOMAN!" The Grrrl groweled and then left.      Madoka started laughing.       "What," I asked.       "That's the symbol for the women's toilet in Japan..."  
  My favorite cigarette is the one my wife has after blowing me.  Yum.  
  My only goal for that night was to not puke in every sink in the house (all of which were full of dishes) and not miss the toilet while I shat.  Boy, did that go wrong.  
  So then his fingers(the index and middle)went into my rectum. I was scared at first, but relieved after I realized it was for the best. I needed this.   His voice was so soothing, and I was calmed almost at once, and let him inside me with ease. He was lubed of course, and I calmed by the stories of his family.   So, as he was inside me, swirling around, he found something. Something not healthy. I was scared and clenched my butt trapping him inside me. He put his other hand on my thigh to calm me, and I relaxed. He pulled out, and then the Doctor told me never to eat 3 burritos in one sitting or rectal bleeding would occur again and the ER would not be so atentive to my healthcare because I had been warned.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Walking with my American girlfriend through a grassy London suburb where it seems that everybody enthusiastically gardens, with flowers and vegetable rows everywhere, we come across the local pub. They're usually named "The Kings Arms" or some such, but this one is named "The Slug And Lettuce," with a vivid picture of a fat slug eating a prime lettuce. Of course we stop in for a pint. The conversation inside is rather dull, if you're not much into gardening...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night at the pub...  One of my friends has a girlfriend that he has been trying to get rid of, but she is just plain psychotic...  The bartenders cut her off, so she's going around the pub asking other people to buy her beer...  She's awfully drunk at this point, sits down at a table with some guys, and just grabs one of their beers and starts drinking it...  The bartenders ask my friend to get her out of there, so he takes her out the door.  A couple of minutes later, she's back in the door, trying to get more beer...  The bartenders tell her to get out, so she starts screaming at them...  I politely try to coax her to the door, got her to the door, but she wants to stay and rant...  Suddenly the door opens and my friend grabs her around the waist and snatches her out of the pub...  Was like watching a jack-in-the-box in reverse...  
  Sitting in church with the family one Sunday morning after a very drunken, very fun night out. Drifting off, I let my head drop and untuck my hair from my ear, letting its blonde curtain fall in front of the profile of my face, so it won't be evident that my eyes are shut. I fall asleep how I always fall asleep: imagining that I'm having slow, sensual sex with my boyfriend... or at least a guy with pretty eyes. Mmmmmm... and I'm off to sleep.  The 'rent think I'm meditating or praying or something.  How pious of me.  
  tales from the banquet hall the guy could not make up his mind which of the two pretty blondes to dance with  all three were fairly drunk the guy decided on lauren, katrina had her arm wrapped around the guy slid her hand down his back  i thought to grab his ass as the guy and lauren walked away katrina turned to me with his wallet in her hand opened it up handed me a 20 and said  it looks like our new friend is pretty generous  
  I had sex with Fabio.  Then I realized that it was just that weird guy that worked at the movie store and I was too stoned to remember how I had gotten there.       
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)           The Black Dog Incident   Visiting Martha's Vineyard offseason is really nice (and cheap, too), but one of the only places open is the famous Black Dog.  We have lunch there one day when my boy Wig is about a year old.  Coming back from the bathroom, I notice he's spilled his drink, because there is an  enormous  puddle under his high chair.  Oh well, such things happen with a 1 year-old, so I sit down to grab a bite (I'm  starving) before asking the staff to deal with it and bring him another drink.  Then I notice his untouched, unspilled drink sitting on the table...  "Eh, we have to get him out of here, now."  Stepdaughter, with her face in her food: "Hunh? No way."  Wife: "Why? He's happy, and we haven't eaten..."  Me: "Eh, it's 2:30pm. I haven't changed his dipe today. Have any of you two?"  Stepd: "Hunh?"  Me: "Look under his chair."  Stepd: (munch, chomp) "Hunh?"  Wife, after looking: "Jesus Christ on a bike! That's impossible! They must have had a flood in the kitchen..."  Stepd: (chomp, chomp) "Hunh?"  A quick consultation, and wife and I determine that he'd been wearing that dipe since 9pm the previous day ( there's  finally an argument in favour of single-parent families).  I pick up our warm, dripping, happy little bundle, and wife drags Stepd whimpering backward, her eyes still fixated on her receding plate of food.  In our car, Stepd sits stricken with loss, while wife and I get up to our elbows in warm urine.  If I dropped it in from another foot higher, I'm sure that the Dipe That Drowned Martha's Vineyard would have taken the bottom clean out of the trash receptacle.  He had more disasters until he was finally done with dipes, but we always consoled ourselves by saying: "Well, that was bad, but it wasn't a Black Dog."   
  my mom was showing me off to her friends and she said," there's joey one of the girls said come on lets see you perform so i said you want to see me perform, in a very sexy voice then mom led them all away quickly  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)               can say i entirely agree with the practice of pharmaceutical companies hawking their wares on television oh my life sucks and you agree so give me a pill so i can get better cant even imagine the number of social disorders have be caused by that type of marketing and media hype-o-rama  probably all of them  
  It was back in 5th grade. My friend Chris had stole his dads new issue of the SI Swimsuit issue. Somehow I talked him into letting me take it home for a day. That night, my parents had to go take care of something outside the house. They said they would be gone for over an hour. Watching their car go up the drive, I ran to my closet and pulled out the magazine. Pulling out my wang, I started to masturbate. I knew what it was, but when I shot my first load onto the face of the chick on page 96, well, I freaked.....I didnt know what had happened. Then I started getting small and I thought I had hurt myself or something! I closed the magazine, washed myself off, and went back to business worrying about what happened. The next day I gave Chris his magazine back. The next day he asks me why page 96 wont unstick from 97....I looked at him and lied. "uh...beats me". I dont think he knew at that point either what comes out when you whack the wang. Jesus, I am never gonna forget those three days....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          At this fucked up little hotel party shindig composed of internet-socializing freaks, we're talking about our trip to Six Flags planned for the next day.   Me: When we go through the safari, I wanna give the monkeys guns, it would be beautiful.   Cue-ball lookin' former Ranger guy, chuckling and pointing with his pipe: You know, a lot of people wouldn't see the humor in that.   Unfortunately no one had brought any throw-aways with them, so we had to settle with simply infuriating the little monsters so they tore up the Jeep behind us, which happened to be in our group as well.   Angry, angry monkeys, your revolution will come some day.  
  Said while watching both a Freddy Kruger movie and a buddy making out with his ex-girlfriend:  "What's your favorite sexual position? Mine's the Fu Man Chew Her Out."   
  About a month ago, he and I were lying in bed, and he jumped on top of me and whipped his manhood out.  He started bouncing it on me, and I said that I had to pee.  He laughed and kept trying to make me wet the bed.  I threatened to pee on him.  He threatened to pee on me.  I said,   "I bet you can't."  That was my first mistake.  He took it as a challenge.  I laughed, remembering that people have trouble peeing under pressure, and egged him on.  Mistake number two.   The ass actually peed on me.    I wiped it off on his pillow.    The best part was, last night, he threatened to pee  in  me.    I said,   "I bet you can't."   A look of sheer terror crossed my face, before i said,   "um, just kidding.  I'm sure you could if you wanted to."  
  I accidentally called a girl a very, very bad word in front of her mother, who proceeded to call me several very, very, VERY bad words.        
  some time ago i figured out the password to my ex-girlfriend's hotmail account. since then i have been secretly keeping in touch with her; reading her trashed email.  i wonder if she still thinks of me?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i just used the top of a cd spindle to make easy mac in. so i wouldnt have dishes to do in the morning   
  As I was toiling in the back of the restaurant, braving foul fumes and unhappy tong-weilding cooks, I looked up to see a new box. On the side it was labeled Robo-Bots. I turned it around and looked at the contents and realized that inside this box was 144 cheap plastic Robo-Bots.  I had to have them.   I had to.  It wasn't something that I could just pass up. They were robots and there were 144 of them. I removed them from the top shelf and hid them near the door.  I spent the next 2 hours of work, fantasizing of full scale robo-wars and revelthe sick sense of satisfaction I, Worker Boy, will have 144 robo-toys and the snobby little kids across the town will have 0. Yes thats right, 0. They will get their artificially red colored apple sauce, a fruit roll up, and their choice of sides, but I will have the robots.  All of them. 144 robo-bots. Soon enough I was granted my half hour break ( I recieve one every four hours as a minor) and I made a break for the back. I held the 50 or so pound box in my arms as I beelined for my car.  However, my route was blocked. Cars filled the drive-though. Of course at this point it was too late and I just weaved through the cars, opened my trunk and deposited the conspicuous package inside. Satisfied scared, and with a new possession of 144 robo-bots, I smoked a joint and sauteed in the lovely herb.  
     Why is it everytime I sit down in public to smoke a cigarette some jerk has to come up to me and say "That's a bad habit." or "Those are bad for you." Like I've been living in a bubble the last twenty years and hadn't heard about that whole lung cancer thing. You don't know me, you don't have any personal interest in my health, why is it socially acceptable to be rude to me, a total stranger, just because I smoke. I'm a polite smoker. I don't sit down next to people I don't know and light up. I don't smoke around kids. I'm certainly not trying to convince anyone else to smoke. Heart disease due to obesity kills more people than lung cancer every year, but you don't see me stopping everyone with a Big Mac in their and warning them they're killing themselves. You know why?  BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF MY GODDAMN BUSINESS! THAT'S WHY.  End of Rant.  
  her husband was in icu after a really bad wreck and his mangled self didnt resemble the man she married she walked out of the room and just stared into me with eyes that could never attach mere words to these feelings i hugged her as deeply as i could as her cries rented her into pieces i thought i hope someday his selfish ass realizes how much she loves him        
  My father, during "the talk," described sex as "a pole and a hole in the ground"  I shit you not.  
  When I was fifteen I was at an amusement park and decided that the most amusing thing would be to take a shit on the floor of the bathroom right *next* to the toilet, so whomever came across it would just have to be left wondering. I did this, wiped my ass and wiped it on the wall. This was the culmination of a full day of my friends and I hopping onto rides without paying, damaging signs and amusements, and generally causing mayhem. Ah to be 15 again...  
  Why o why does she leave her door unlocked and go out? I think going in, moving her furniture around, rehanging her pictures upside down, putting socks on all the doorknobs, and then swapping her mouse buttons was probably the most benign thing I've ever done.  Sort of a soft-core interior decorating drive-by.    
  i've been listening to the murmurs a lot. whenever i listen to them, i feel like a dirty vegan. but i fucking love it.    
  The Jazz musician with the faded fedora walked from table to table saying,"Stick around, we've got another set."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         ...was riding BART (local light-rail) home at some ungodly early hour, after another long night of insobriety.  badly hung-over, bleary vision, just want to curl up and die.  not-too-attractive girl sitting a few rows down from me, staring at me.  unnervingly, unblinkingly, staring.  me, in the temperment that i am in, focus on her with my one good eye, and demand to know what the fuck she's looking at.  i notice the white cane a split-second before she says "nothing", and puts her head down.  i had thought i couldn't feel worse.  i was wrong.  and i didn't even have the decency or nerve to apologise.  
  my sisters and brother in law and the twins and their brother were doing blow at an alarming rate. seems they figured out, the brainchilds that hey are, that you can buy a eightball of excellent quality, cut it in half, stomp the shit outta the other half with inisotol or some shit and then sell it, get another eight ball of good shit, stomp on it etc. etc. etc. drugs and money! yippee. anyhow, one of the twins (niether that goodlooking, stayed behind at my folks house while the rest went out to party.  i mena, like what the fuck is that. all you blowmonkies are leaving and you are hanging out with your friends younger brother??? so  i was watching the ranger game and she starts up some lame conversation and shit and then gets closer and closer to me on the couch and shit. i'm thinking, am i in a bad fucking movie or what. anyway, she unbuttons her shirt and while i am facing the tv, calls me and jams her tit in my mouth. slightly shocked, i paused, and realized she had the most amazing breasts i had seen in photos or otherwise. beautiful, round, firm symetrical, gravity defying perfiectly shaped breasts. yum, thought i and proceded to slather them first with saliva and then with my jizz. all done, i look down and suddenly remember who it was that just yanked me off. i anonymously called her folks and told them about her blow habit. she went away to rehab. shame to lose a nice pair of tits and all, but...  
  If you use both hands to jerk off, is that a threesome?  
  Why is it that when you're at a show (punk show), it's cool to flail around and rock out, but when I do it while walking my dog it's just weird?  Everyone, everywhere should rock out at any given moment.  That's what America's about.  The rest of the world: follow America's lead.  
  so, this one time, last year, me and some friends are going for a drive to smoke a nice fat blunt.  One of my friends brings this cute guy and we spend the whole night flirting.  At one point in the night, we were driving around, and the eggs that i had eaten before smoking decide to make a quick exit, as i was choking on the smoke (i was still something of an ametuer at that point).  All over the back of my friends seat and the floor of her car, goes the omlet.  The aforementioned cute guy and i wound up getting it on anyway later that night.  
  a few weeks ago i dropped a tortilla chip on the floor i decided i would pick it up later last week i stepped on it and it broke into lots of little pieces i put off picking it up still i see it everytime i go to the computer it was comforting to know it was there whenever i felt like picking it up my dog just ate it ill miss that chip...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         So I was really drunk and in the hotel hallway screaming at the top of my lungs the theme song to mission impossible.  Not thinking anything of it I started pretending i was a spy, running up and down the halls doing ninja rolls and pretending to hide behind doors.  Then it hit me, I thought "it would be really embarassing if someone saw me doing this".  And the hotel manager was right there, watching me.  Sleeping in my car isn't something I would reccomend to a friend.  
  I ate steak for dinner and  I'm at work at 3:30AM on a Saturday and  I just took a big ole red-meat crap and  The toilet won't flush.  The janitor won't be here till Monday morning. I'm glad I don't have to be back until Thursday.  
                                             Every moment I sen out, I see seconds later appear...and it looks like it is really there - but then I wonder if the people at low-brow only do that to appease the egomaniacs like myself?   Can you see me?  
  She said she's thinking about adopting the neighbor's dog, because they're moving and can't take it. So she lets it stay over at her house for a couple days to see if they get along.  The fat mutt spends most of the time sleeping, farting, licking itself, and throwing fits to get outside. It's the poster dog for canine whitetrashness. Finally she lets it out after a prolonged fit and it runs three feet into the driveway, plops down, and begins to lick itself some more.  I say it's a match made in heaven.   
  "The obvious difference between the '67 Camaro and the '68 Camaro is that the tail-lights of the '67 are solid red whereas the tail-lights of the '68 are red on the outside and white on the inside giving it a lightly cross-eyed look." The room is quiet as five pairs of eyes bore holes through my body. I think I've said enough.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         a [female] friend of mine was out in the clubs one night on the prowl.  later, the prey was captured and she was happily off in the corner having a torrid makeout session with some chick she picked up.  however, the prey's girlfriend was not so charmed by said make out session and started giving my friend a hassle about it.  to which my pal replied "look, before you give me a hard time, you should know that i'm either looking for a fuck or a fight and i dont really care which it is".  now that is thinking on your feet.  
  on my way from the bathroom i become ensnared in a human traffic jam, one which i am not in the mood to fight. i decide instead to chat up some people who were sitting around a table, mainly as a way to edge into a seat of my own. two men and a woman, the men dressed in all black, the woman in a pinstripe suit. the woman is deep in conversation with her companion on the couch, so i start talking to the man in the armchair. introductions are made. 'she's australian,' armchair man tells me when i am introduced to the woman.  we chat. bland new media jabbering, mostly, and while he is gesturing about the online advertising industry i notice the simple gold band on his left hand.  the australian woman leans over to him and yells, 'I WANT YOU TO COME IN MY HAIR TONIGHT, LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT.' his eyes widen, and he glances at me. she leans into him, her long straight hair covering half his face. 'i'm his WIFE, you see,' she says, smiling archly at me. she has big teeth. the man manages a weak eyebrow-raise.  and then she takes another sip of scotch. i take this as my cue to leave.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  Cutting six years of hair off my head through the simple expedient of standing in front of a mirror with a hank of hair from the back of my head in one hand and scissors in the other.  The process is complicated by the phone crushed between head and shoulder: my mother on the line, describing my father's surgery.  "He seemed groggy but upbeat when he came out of the general aenesthetic."     "Uh-huh.  That's great... OH SHIT.  Oh my God, what have I DONE?"  Multi-tasking personal alteration and family crisis: not the greatest idea i ever had.  
  working in a neighborhood bar near a church and a funeral home means i often serve people gathered after the passing of a loved one. i am always at a loss for words, my heart breaking at the sight of their brave grief.  nevertheless, the phrase almost always slips out in spite of myself:  can i take away the dead ones?        
  It really is kind of anticlimactic to have one's power turned off. I expected furtive agents sneaking to the side of my building with wry grins and wire cutters. Instead the fans without protest slowly stopped spinning.  
  I had anal sex with a guy I had hooked up with frequently a year early.   I had never done it with him before, because his dick had always been bigger than everyone elses.  When we finally did it, I barely felt it slide it.  I think I'm becoming an anal slut.  
        I eat filth. I eat everything in sight and I look like Jabba the Hut. I also pick my nose in the car next to you at the stoplight. I fart in elevators. I was the one who used the last of the TP and didn't replace the roll. The IRS was my idea, and so was Y2K. The gum you just stepped in was mine, and if you picked it off with your fingers, I have the flu. I drained your car battery and let the air out of your tire late at night in the rain. I'm ahead of you in the cash-only express line at the grocery store and it's my pleasure to get price checks on every one of the 45 items I've carefully selected which have neither price tags nor scannable bar codes, argue with the manager about how many coupons I can use for a pack of Certs, then pay with a credit card which is no good. I remove every "Do Not Remove This Tag" tag I see, and litter them about on the floor. I run with scissors and don't play well with others, nor do I use my time wisely. I pull the wings off butterflies to stop the "Butterfly Effect" and speed global warming. I teach science to American students. I put the eyelash in your eye and made you bite your tongue; your funny bone is very funny to me. I overdrew your checking account and charged your credit card payments to the card with 21% interest and no grace period. I am the source of all junk mail, and when the occasional letter carrier discovers the truth, I make him go, well, postal. I design child safety seats, war toys, anorexic fashion dolls, and I'm just finishing up a book "Extreme Parenting: Pushing Your Child 23 Hours a Day for Success!" I park sideways across both handicapped spaces. I told Saddam that nukes are just like really big fireflies and are a really good solution to the recycling problem just after I assured Mr. Gates that everyone would love to pay a yearly fee for the privilege of using a buggy pseudo operating system. I took Barney's 13-strand DNA and made the Teletubbies. Pleased to meet you, I'm the Beast and proud of it.    
  Would you rather have a ten-inch penis but the voice of Gilbert Gotfried?   Or the face and body of Brad Pitt but be hung like a pimple?  Imagine the miracle you are that you managed both   
  I went to a bar to meet a friend who is in the process of picking up a 3rd girlfriend.  I seriously hate that, but I would rather stand idly by while a freind not only cheats on his girlfriend and his lover than sit at home alone due to lack of social life.  
  SO I was hookin up with this guy after a heavy night of drinking.  Needless to say we were both pretty intoxicated.  Things begin to heat up and I decide to take things alittle further.  I reach down to take his dick in my hand... My hand now around it.  Or was it?  I wasnt sure if it were his dick or his thumb and not wanting to start jerkin off his thumb I suddenly blurt out:  "Where is it?"  Bad move on my part.  He replies, "Wow, thats not a good thing"  Turns out it WAS his dick in my hand.  Way to kill a guy's ego.  
  My poor cousin of 12 is fucked.  His father hates him, told him he was gonna kick his ass on the phone and upon arrival, the bastard shoves and punches the kid.    When the police arrive, they quickly rectify the situation by clubbing the child in the stomach and chest and punching his head again and dragging him away to a lockup hospital.  Nobody listens to kids. I'm sure he's gonna be a well adjusted adult, now.   Makes my problems seem really lame.  Makes me want to kill cops.         
  Excessive caffeine induced diarrhea is truly an underrated thing.  Couple that with a lunch consisting of Dorito's smothered in Tabasco sauce and you've got a beautiful piece of work.  A veritable cornucopia of pain and human waste -- everything good art tries to be.  It almost makes you wonder what DaVinci could do if he had "materials" such as a Taco Bell menu, Jolt and suicide hot wings?  This is what I think about when I should be working.  I'm going to go get some more coffee.  
  We sat in his filthy living-room, watching a movie on the tv.  He took periodic hits from the monster bong in his lap.  About halfway through the movie his cat wandered in and noncholantly puked in his shoes.  Both of them.    First one, and then the other.  Now there's style.  
  I just finished off two hot dogs, a bit of Sobe, and three-quarters of a pound loose candy.  MAN. That's gonna be one nasty shit.  
  Slipping slightly on the bar mat, she spins around, looks for me on thedark, wondering why I didn't pick up my $1.25.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  when I'm depressed I have no sex drive. I'd been particularly depressed for the last week or so, and hadn't felt the urge to masturbate once the whole time. last night, I said fuck it and made myself look at porn until I was horny enough to beat off. it instantly made me feel better. I did it again later that night, and i've done it a couple times today, and boy has it improved my outlook. jerking off: my own natural prozac  
  Ok, so i'm sitting next to this girl in english class.  I say something that pisses her off (can't exactly remember but i think i called her a prep) so she threatened me with a water bottle.  So kept egging her on thinking she was just going to hit me with the water bottle.  But she just opened up the cap and poured a little water right onto my crotch.     So then i have to go to luch looking like i pee'd my pants.  The people at my table didn't believe my story about that damn girl in english.  
  "Even women who produce a good deal of natural lubrication may need more during extended sex or serial interludes." --Salon.com  "Serial interludes" is the nicest way of saying "gang bang" that I've ever heard.  I think I still prefer "cluster fuck" though.  
  "You're one hated motherfucker around here, you know that, right?"  I had that said to me once.    It hurt.  Then I grew to understand what a creepy person it would take to say something like that to a person just to hurt them.    It's not that I feel sorry for him or anything like that, for sure.  But I most certainly feel like I have a great life compared to him.    
  My best friend and I went to a party, got wasted out of our minds, got a free baggie, and fucked two guys.  We laughed all the way home because we didn't spend a penny, crashed the wrong party, gave out false numbers, and didn't know the guys names.   Her "moment": She got crabs.  My "moment": spending 30 minutes searching myself while she was on the phone describing what they looked like.    
  Just got done with my shower, getting ready for work. I walk into my room and the FIRST thing that catches my eye isn't the christmas lights on the wall, not the cat bolting for me... It's the fan in the window. The fan blades conveniently stopped in such a way as to look like the playboy bunny logo.  Today is going to be a good day, me thinks.  []D [] []\/[] []D  F5 *reload*  
  Hey guess what buddy? If  I  was driving and  my  recently ex girlfriend was giving you a blowjob in the back of  my  car, I might claim that a dog or a bear or a sasquatch ran out in front of me. But more likely I'd just stomp on the gas real hard and then lock up the brakes again.  
  all i want are kisses. what i get? grand theft auto music in the background and dandruff.  
   At my school in the fifth grade.. there was this extremly beatiful girl.. all the boys liked her.. one day during lunchhour she was sitting outside our classroom ,below the window.   We were all desperat to get her attention. So we pissed a trashcan full of piss and emptied it all over her from from a window...   I will never forget the look on her face when she found out it wasn't water..              
  Second time I'm 'with' this girl. The first time was very spontaneous and her exact words were "let's skip the foreplay, ok?"  So this time she says "I want lots of foreplay." That doesn't bother me. Things progress slowly but intensely. She goes down on me, so afterwards I decide to return the favour.  As I'm moving my way down she says "Just so you know, it's that time of the month."  Only thing that crosses my mind is "Meh. How bad can it be?"  If you haven't earned your Red Wings, you haven't hit bottom yet.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)          File under 'w' for What the Fuck  OK, so Jerry Garcia was a really good guitarist. There are a lot of really good dead guitarists. He didn't write (many of) the songs, he wasn't some sort of genius of the counter-culture, and he probably wasn't really concerned about your fucking acid trip.  Cool guy I'm sure, but shouldn't you have some other hero aside from an overweight, drug-abusing, bar band front man that made the big time.  
  Step 1: Connect to news server. Step 2: Download headers for various pornography groups. Step 3: Download pictures and movies. Step 4: Jerk off Step 5: Wipe cum onto bedspread that has been used hundreds of times before for same usage.  Step 6: Come downstairs to see sister's friend sleeping with face firmly planted in wipe area.  Step 7: Ask cleaning lady to wash bedspread.  Step 8: Repeat.    
  had to sit through excruciating discussion in a writing workshop. so i loudly announced "is motherfucker one word or two?" we proceeded to have a 20 minute discussion.  
  It had been an awful day of crunching code at work.  I tried a combination of beer and Doom to force all thoughts of work from my mind.  But much to my displeasure, it didn't work.  
  i always see this guy around town who has a mullett. every time i look at him i can't help but notice that if he cut it off and shaved his scraggly face he'd be absolutely gorgeous.  it's all i can do to bite my tongue. i mean, it's not like he asked for my opinion but i can't help thinking that he could be getting laid a lot more that he probably is now if he'd just get a freakin hair cut!  i don't even know why i give a shit if he's getting laid or not but it's become an obsession with me.  i've even begun to imagine him naked from time to time.  there is definitely something wrong with me.  
  After we had finished all the chinese food we had ordered I was still hungry.  So of course I grabbed a fortune cookie, which was when I noticed they had given the two of us three fortune cookies.  So I proceeded to open and read my fortune... which said and I quote "You're still hungry, have another fortune cookie." WOW  
  Never ever use Vicks Vapo-Rub for a lube when you are trying anal on a girl for the first time. Save that for a special moment.  
  my friend Rachael gets paid somewhere in the area on $6.50 an hour to work as a clerk in a convenient store. she has had her life threatened numerous times, gets hit on by scary old men, must stand at the counter when she desperately needs a cigarette while the countless lotto addicts request scratch-off after scratch-off, and the other day she slipped and fell in a pool of vomit some kid left there (his mother neglected to tell Rachael about the mishap)and hurt her hip, not to mention that she was soaked in vomit from her bra strap to the crack of her ass. she is also one of the happiest and most tenderhearted people ive ever met. i love you rachael, even though youve made impotent any excuse i have for being miserable.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i went to mcdonalds today for a steak and begal breakfast sandwich.  the pimmply-ass kid said they make them no more.  then i asked for a sourdough breakfast sandwich.   the pimmply-ass kid said they make them no more.  then i said what the fuck do you make?  he said he didnt like my tone  so i went to jack-in-the-crack for a breakfast jack  i hate mcd's  
  My roomate and I left for Christmas break to go home.  I hired the neighbor's kid to feed my cat while we were gone.  Stupid little fucker ended up locking the cat in the house (and himself out) only a few days after we left.    I came back some 20 days later, opened the door, and the first thing I notice (besides the stench of cat feces and urine), is that there are feathers everywhere, like someone broke open a pillow.  The cat appears, gaunt, bugged-eyed, but still alive.  I continue walking around the house to find the source of the feathers, when I come to my roomate's room.  I look up on the wall where there was once a beautiful mount of a pair of mallard ducks.   [The first two ducks my roomate had shot as a child while hunting with his now deceased father.]  What was left were wires and beaks.  Cleaning up and waiting for my roomate to return was a very lowbrow time.   
  quotes from a toothless old man bar october nineteen ninety one  ya shouldna drink dat shite itll kill ya slowly ya know  the only things in life that dont kill you slowly kill you quickly  yah but that shite at least show a little taste  i cant taste it at all   the locals take their alcoholism seriously questionmark        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         My daughter and I went to see "Austin Powers Goldmember" today, and when we came out, she had a very thoughtful look on her face. What? I asked. "You know what I want? I want a midget for a pet. I really do." I love that girl.   
  Him: "At least I'm not anorexic, I have enough sense to eat" Her: "Well, at least I'm not a sex offender"  
  i dont wash my clothes anymore. i just spray febreeze on them and throw them in the dryer. there is just something thrilling about wearing dirty clothes when everyone thinks they are clean. what a rush. after rereading this, i have come to the conclusion that i need a life...or a girlfriend. maybe a combination of both.  
  Every one of my friends has attempted or at least seriously considered suicide.  Except me.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why can I never fit in?     
  I was chatting with this gal in a bar.   She told me her fish was named December. She had bought it with some friends and was sitting in the back seat on the way home testing out names. One friend told her that her relationships were so doomed she might as well name it Saturday since that is as long as it will live.  She got mad and said that the fish was going to last longer than her relationships. She named it December since that was a month away.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was in a buddy's wedding, he was marrying a girl from college not an attractive girl, but "one in the hand..."  We were at the rehersal and her sister who I was walking with said, in front of everyone, "I sure hope I don't trip and fall"  I replied "I will laugh and point if you do!"  She runs of crying, and this was no track star run either as I remember.  Low brow moment coming...  "She has two prosthetic legs, you ass!" said the groom  
  MY PERSONAL PAUL POITIER A friend of a friend was homeless, so I let him stay at my place.  After a while, he attacked me because I wouldn't 'lend' him any more money.  I fought him off & he hasn't come back. But I still get all his overdue bills.  I pay them with monopoly money.  Since it's only accurate to the nearest dollar, I put a note in saying, "Keep the change."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         FM Radio  So a local radio station got bought, and in the week before they went live, they played a computer voice counting down until the launch time  6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds... and counting.  6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 52 seconds... and counting  6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 46 seconds... and counting  But every fourth or fifth repetiton of the count, the computer would bust out with a random statement. Song lyrics, movie quotes, and othe random things. By the time we started listening (2 days, 19 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds... and counting) we were hooked. By far our favorite was "I was like good gracious, that ass is bodacious"   We of course decided that lowbrowing while listening to the monotonous voice was pretty lowbrow.  3 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, 44 seconds... and counting  Click  3 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, 37 seconds... and counting  Click  3 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, 30 seconds... and counting  Click  "Well there won't be any money involved, but on your deathbed, you will receive total conciousness. So I got that going for me. Which is nice"  Click.  So soon enough, the countdown reached 0. Towards the end, there were more random things going on over the countdown, such as two DJs talking about getting hot chicks and farts, and weed.   But it did reach zero. And then they started playing music.   Tone Loc's Wild Thing. Over and Over again.  I've been here for half an hour now...  I wish I were making this up.  
  I was standing behind the doofus in the meshback at the Texaco station about 6:45 one morning when he asked the clerk behind the inch-thick bullet proof glass why he was behind the inch-thick bullet proof glass.  Clerk said it was company policy to leave the glass down  before 8:00 a.m.  Doofus asks "Why...in case of a holdup?...well this is a holdup..."  I had my Spyderco in my hand, halfway open and was calculating the angle and force to drive the blade deep in the guy's kidney when the clerk said something that indicated the guy was a regular and a harmless doofus.  Karate training isn't about taking someone out...it's about knowing when NOT to take someone out.  
  You know you have a classy rental car when you pull the keys out and the engine just keeps on running.  Well what can you expect for AUS$15 (US$7) a day car?  
  If you ever want to seperate the tourists from the locals in the heart of Manhattan, just buy some Chinese noodle soup and eat it the way it was intended to be eaten: chopsticks.  The ones who look at you (or say "Hey, he's eating soup with chopsticks!") are surely suburbanites in for some shopping.  
  My girlfriend was out of town. I was really drunk and horny one night, as I staggered out of a club (leaving my friends inside). A street hooker picked me up and offered me some "service" for $40. I thougt "great - cheap sex."  We went back to her rat-infested shit apartment. I paid her. She wasn't bad looking (while drunk), and then she took her clothes off. Ok - still, I've seen worse. So then we started getting it on and I made the mistake of going down on her. Goddamn - if you can imagine the taste of shit with ample portions of salt and fishy taste.  That sobred me up pretty damn quick and I excused myself and left as quickly as possible. I had a hard time explaining the resulting cold sore to my girlfriend.  
  my friend's parents aren't big drinkers but have a very expensive collection of v.s.o.p. hennesy and numerous bottles of rye,rum,vodka etc.... We're still in high school, we can't buy our own alcohol.  Over the course of three months the alcohol has been consumed but the bottles are still in place.  I'd love to see the expressions on their faces when they discover that every single bottle is filled with soy sauce and water...  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         driving from central n.c. to atlanta at 2 in the morning on a whim. actually, an old episode of COPS from atlanta was what sparked it.   stopping immediately to take a mad beer shit at the Georgia Welcome Center just across the border from S.C.   it is 7:04 a.m. the welcome center opens at 7 a.m.  enter the stall. someone has already managed to jizz on the toilet seat.   someone else's lowbrow moment, i suppose.  but still...  
   How I Got My Job On The Hudson River  I'm happy to be unemployed for a little while, but the lady at the unemployment office notices I have a degree in Ecology, and decides to get me at least a temporary job. I go along (I have no choice), so I sit in front of this guy while he interviews me. Me: "What does it involve?" He: "Well, you'll be out on boats all day on the Hudson, checking the quality of the water and how the fish are surviving. It'll last for four months." That sounds like a lot of fun, so I start to get interested. Me: "That sounds neat. What does it pay?" He: "What do you have to offer us?" Me: "Well, you know I have a degree in ecology, but I'm also a certified auto mechanic."  That  gets him interested. He: "I need someone who knows how to fix things." Me, again: "What does it pay?" He: "$5.25/hour." Me: "You can't do better than that!?!" He smiles and leans back with his hands behind his head: "Have you any idea of how many hippy-dippy little morons who just 'want to save the world' I've had to interview today? You're the first person who's asked for a raise at the interview." He and I haggle. We both go away very happy, and I have a wonderful job for the next two years...  
  Was setting up mics by myself in front of 300 people waiting for Bob Dole to speak to them.  Mic hit me in head, caused a good amount of bleeding and a big *THUNK* from the PA system...  everyone laughed...I bled...  
  My wife's younger sister and I have never really had a good relationship. She's like 12 and I tease her, maybe a little too much. Anyway, I had an extra ticket to a hockey game. As I'm trying to decide which of my friends I'll take, my wife asks that I take her sister, to try and build some sort of relationship. OK. The night goes well, we have a good time, laughing, joking and all. At the end of the night, she turns and says, "If you ever have an extra ticket, you can always ask me!" I quickly respond with "Who are you kidding? The only reason why you're here is because Heather asked me to take you! You've got to hope Mitch or Justin are busy!"  I felt kinda bad. But not really.  
  Worst Valentine's day ever. I was working in a bar after already pulling an 8 hour day, and mad about it.  Someone had been drinking what I assumed to be cherry flavoured beer. I was called to the stairs to find red vomit all over the walls and dripping down. My boss just looked at me, laughed, and said "I think YOU can handle this one".   Red vomit. I neevr saw that one coming as a Valentine's present.  
  House-sitting for a friend of mine some years ago. He told me to help myself to anything in the fridge. I was hanging out, fiddling with the guitar, enjoying the peace and quiet, when I realized I was thirsty. I opened his fridge and find a stick of butter, a tupperware thingie with something creepy inside, and a quart of milk. I settled on the milk. I opened it up and knocked it back, only to realize after the second or third gulp, that the shit was like cottage cheese. I dropped the carton, making the "hurk! hurk!" dry-heaves, and then promptly puked my guts out in his kitchen sink.  "Got Milk?" *chew chew*  
  i went to ebay to look around. i typed in "used panties" and found 15 results. but why is it that i typed in every way it could be stated, and could not find a tool that is designated for scratching your balls? my hand doesnt do the job. oh well, lifes a bitch.  
  A friend of mine taught his 7 year old daughter the heavy metal hand sign.  She's got a precious, angelic face with big blue eyes and blond hair.  She would go up to people at parties and yell "Sign of the goat!"  We all just laugh and laugh...Except her mom.  She doesn't think it's so funny.  
  i remember one time over the summer in july i went to my friend's party at her dad's house in oakland. i went with a few girls and my boy. well, when we got there i spotted this hella fine-ass latina girl sittin on the couch by herself and she looked about my age (15). things went pretty good. we danced a number of times, we talked, and finally we went outside around the end of the night and made out. i left the party that night feeling pretty good about myself and thought i was a pimp. i talk to my friend the next day who had the party and i was like "i made out with this hella fine ass latina girl last night, shoulda seen me." and my friend was like "i did...that was my 12 year old cousin."  
  i received an email from my girl. she told me not to come and visit her this summer, and that it was time for her to "get on with her life." i'll translate that: "bang other people without guilt." i saw it coming, but by e-mail? a year and a half of tortured long- distance amore disolved via Hotmail(tm)? By a certain point, you're worth more than e-mail. a phone call. Shit, a letter would have done. no. not only am I being broken up with, I also have to look at a banner ad for TalkCity.com(tm). Can my life sink any lower?   
  "You're a whore," she said to me.  I looked her up and down and said back, "Damn right i am."  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         One time I went to Wal-Mart to buy a notebook for a chem class.  At the line there is an older gentleman infront of me talking about how his leg hurts to the cashier.   She says something about how sometimes her rear hurts from sitting down all day.    Me being the ass that I am says, why dont you just stand up then?(rather matter of factly)  She answers, I cant.  Then I notice the wheelchair.   
   got to have cake ive got a mind that can still get to your house  and a heart that can bring you red flowers my intentions are good  and earnest and true but under my hood is internal combustion power and satan is my motor        
  Several hours after my date and I made a huge spectacle breaking up at our friends' wedding reception, I tongue-kissed the new bride.  For about 45 minutes.    
  So I'm sitting on a packed bus in San Francisco, having just done the tourist thing when 2 very drunk guys and an even drunker girl get on. The girl sits beside me, and the guys stand in front of her, as there are no more seats. She then proceeds to undo one of the guy's pants and give him a blow job then and there.   As the slurping sounds echo in my head I think, self-centeredly, was that for my benefit or is it a new trend I somehow missed out on?  I did get the last laugh, though. The guy forgot to rezip and I caught a glimpse as he departed the bus. The blow job may have been something to write about, but he wasn't.  
  So my boyfriend was insistent that I suck up my timidness and fear-of-returning-lingerie and get the money back for the black lingerie set he'd bought in the wrong size for my birthday. We end up in the little girls' department of Kaufmann's, and I'm clutching my bag of goodies while I ask the two ladies at the desk where I could return ladies' garments.  Clerk #1: "Well, are you returning girls' clothing?"  Me: "Oh, no. But where I could I return ladies'... stuff?" Clerk #2: "Well, what are you returning?" Me: "Oh, just some... ladies'... stuff" (at this point I begin panicking, and the boyfriend begins snickering). Clerk #2: "Well, show me what's in the bag." Me: "OH, no, no, it's uh, well-" Clerk #1: "Is it pajamas? What is it?" (They both guess several times and I am bright red, rejecting each guess, trying to figure out how to get the hell out of there.) Clerk #2: "Is it sportswear?" Me: (Thinking of the lingerie) "Uh... kind of." Kind of sportswear.... sigh.   
  My girlfriend mentioned to me after having sex with her on top that "you seem to play with my asshole a lot" when we are in that position.  I sheepishly say "well, yeah, it turns me on."    After a little bit of thought she says, "maybe we could try putting your cock in there if you want."  I immediately say "No!" out of guilt.  I mean, I SAID NO!!!  idiot  
  The spork is the greatest invention of all time.  Think about it.  Noone has to ever switch eating utensils.  Bitchin'  
  I was about 6 years old, and my parents were talking about how bad of shape one of their friends was in.  That friend came over, and from the top of the stairs I yelled, "Hey Robby!  Heard your life was a wreck!"    
  so i have this friend named andy in highschool, who had a famous glow-in-the-dark trick.  so everyone would get together in somebody's basement and smoke pot and sit around and then andy would say (to anyone who hadn't seen it yet) "wanna see my glow-in-the-dark trick?"  and of course the newbie would say yes and all of us who'd seen it before would say yes. and we'd turn out the lights.  andy would shuffle around, and then a few seconds later, when nothing happened, he'd say, "wait, it's not working." and someone would turn the light on.  and andy's balls would be about an inch from the newbie's face.  and neither glowed in the dark anyway.  but one time he did it to this really popular girl and she threw up. last time she ever came to one of our parties.  
  A new girl started taking my school bus.   I was fifteen.  She was a stunning, exotic English beauty named Karen Higgins.  I tried to figure how to get her attention.  So I sprayed my gym shoea with gold paint.  When she saw them, she laughed and gave me a heartmelting smile!  I panicked, stuffed them in my bag, and avoided her for the rest of the year.  
  I was playing strip poker with this guy, and I lost my underwear -  instead of actually taking it off, I went into my room, got a new pair, and pretended they were the ones I was wearing.  
   Last night's drinking with strangers revealed that my "dream girl", whom I haven't run across in more than a year, is now working at Bazookas. (Like Hooters, only not.)   My randomly doing shots of brandy, scotch and, something called "After Shock" resulted in my neighbors getting the opportunity to watch me pacing the deck in the cold morning air willing myself to stay upright, mobile, and not puke. That is the price one (that is, I) sometimes (almost invariably) must pay for successful reconnaissance.      
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Last night at the laundromat--a panty tale  "Scrape-scrape-scrape," goes the cheap metal chair. pause- look   pause-look  pause-look Stretch of the arm as it rests a little too close. Eye contact, then glare, then the contact is broken.  To myself I think, "OK you dirty old geezer. You get any closer to my basket of lace camisoles (cold wash only, no dryer) and you're losing a finger."  
  Dan and I only started dating because my best friend at the time was all about hooking me up no matter what and with whomever was available.  That's how I met Dan.   He was a nice enough but in retrospect, the only reason why we started seeing each other was because i was horny and he was around.   Well our first night together solidified things to me that he and I were not going to work. After 4 months of dating, this particular night was the night we would become intimate. And for a skinny, lanky, white boy, he was pretty big. But he had absolutlely no clue what to do with it.   We were both in high school, 9th-10th grade, I think, so it's not like I was any more more schooled in sex than he was.  So we were both fondling and groping and doing the best we could with what we knew and finally the big moment--he was cumming. And he decided that he should on my stomach (maybe he saw it on a porn or whatever)and that kinda bothered me a little bit because you know it was fucking hot and gooey and shit. But I lied there just taking trying to please him. And he was grunting and sweating and cumming alot. When he had finally finished I was about to reach over and wipe my stomach clean of his remains when he suddenly took his index finger and began drawing circles in the puddle! It felt so fucking gross! Then he looked up seductively at me and asked me if i liked it!!!  I never let my friend set me up again.   
  I sat on the toilet and the cat squeezed through a hole I had kicked in my bathroom door a few months ago, sat down and meowed at me meaningfully.  I explained to my cat that he was the only one who truly understands me.   If I owned a gun, I would probably hold it to my head during these moments.    
  I've spent way too much time this afternoon trying to figure out if there is a difference between "fuck buddy" and "booty call". It got to the point where I was trying to research it online, and had called a couple of friends to ask what they thought.  They basically thought I should get a life.    - cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com  -------------- you play video games with a fuck buddy, as well as bring them soup when they are sick bootie calls are somewhat lower on the "food chain" of sex  
  I was approached in the supermarket parking lot by some anti-gun nut with a petition, and being a big gun fan, we promptly locked horns. He wanted to know what the big attraction was, why did I feel the need to arm myself, and did I think I had violent tendencies as gun ownership implied?  I told him I got off bigtime on shooting, that the world was too full of morons with agendas to NOT be armed, and that if he'd give me his home address I'd be happy to come over and discuss my violent nature.  Are we done here?  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was masturbating once, and I came all over my hand.  I recall hearing someone say, "It's salty". So, being the curious little monkey I am, I decided to give it a taste.  Never once have I had to use the salt shaker again.  
  There is a little publicised network of sick degenerates (like myself) who exchange and trade the phone numbers of people's really sick and twisted but mostly earnest and goofy answering machine messages.  We pass the numbers around sharing our amusement at these folks expense.  As the network's got bigger, I reckon that more than 100 people a day will now call to check it out - many leaving their two cents of wisdom on the offending machine. So if you have a really earnest or goofy message on your machine, you have been warned.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         When walking around town, I see guys that I find somehow....intriguing.  Sometimes it's they way they walk, a look in the eyes, the angle of the cheekbones, a personal style.  And I wonder about them.  Who they are.  What their story is.  What their dreams are.  And most importantly, what they look like choking on a cock.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         me (explaining to my parents why my grades are so high): i guess i'm just being challenged now or something...  me (on the real reason my grades are so high): its too cold here to do anything besides have sex or study...and you can only have sex like 3 times a day before you start getting sore.     its true.   
  "Storyville" was spelled out, at a jaunty upward angle.  The "e" swooped ina downward flash.  Purple, that clashed with the red walls.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;    Help Wanted.        &nbsp;             
  im a college freshman. i get no pussy. there was one chick though who i had a chance with. one day she came by to say hello and asked me what i was up to. i had some coke lined up on my coffee table and pointed to it. she then referred to me as a "piece of shit" and stormed out of my room. 5 minutes later, she returned and i told her to leave. about 2 months later, i took a shit in a package and sent it to her. her friend said she was crying.  a good laugh was had by i.  
  Doing a donut requires snowy roads/parking lots.  It does not require going to Krispy Kreme and taking off your pants.   
  his girlfriend says she's deaf. she says she has 90% hearing loss in one ear.  funny, she never said anything about the other ear.  she pretends she cannot hear you when you say something she doesn't want to hear.  but you can be on the other side of the room, with your back turned, and whisper "bitch," and she'll be on you like white on rice.  good ol' helen keller.  they're evicting the boyfriend just to get away from her constant high-decibal conversations.  wa wa, helen, wa wa!  
  Yes, it finaly happend. I got arrested. It was a wonderful night filled with girls, live music, friends and enough booze to make anyone a raging pyscho. Imagine my suprize when I became that raging lunatic. I left the party in peace and then proceded to get into a brawl in my car with a very good friend. No this not what got me arrested, though I did break my rearview mirror off. When I got home I was so hot I picked a fight with one of my roomates while the other called the chops. I deserved that one for sure.  No charges were filled and I was set free the next morning only to walk home barefoot because I was arrested with out shoes.  I could not call a cab because they took my money when I was booked. And there's now one less thing for me to be proud of. I can still feel the bruises on my wrists.  
  Do the rest of you have problems with really large turds?    I sure do.  Usually mine are about a foot or so long, perfectly straight, and very dense.  They are also very clean.  I usually only need a piece of toilet paper to check - it comes back as clean as it was on the roll.  But I have one little problem.  Any toilet that is not one of the monster commercial toilets cannot break my turd up into puny toilet-digestable pieces.  Frequently regular toilets back up or never flush properly.  I think this has something to do with the government mandating that the toilet should flush with less liquid than I can piss.    I hate the government.  They won't let me put a real toilet in my new apartment.  So, I shit at work.  
  So my guy friends all have this idea that girls don't poop.. You mention anything about a girl's bathroom and crap in the toilet and they're like.. what? doesn't exist.. even saying the old "It's the shit that wouldn't fit" grosses them out to no end.. they're still like.. nope, doesn't exist, girls do not poop. So I get the bright idea to find some girl poop porn and send it to my friend. I didn't know if it really existed or not, but I searched and lo and behold.. there is definently lots of porn with girl's pooping.. you learn something new every day.   
  I remember once in highschool I got detention for too many tardies.  I had to go in on a saturday morning to make up the 4 hour sentence.  The friday night before I got wasted so I was very hung-over when I stumbled into school saturday morning.  During the 1/2 hour break to get up and stretch our legs I wandered over to the gym to see how the wrestling tournament was going. (I was on the team and was worried about getting in trouble for not showing up) The coach looked at me and said "you're not dressed?  hurry up, you're match is in 5 minutes!"  So I hurry and borrow a singlet and shoes from a friend and rush back just in time to start my match.  about 45 seconds later I have this kid in an armbar/half-nelson and I'm rolling him onto his back for about a 1 minute pin.  As I'm walking off the mat, the coach congratulates me and I unintentionally burp.  A real good hangover burp that reeked of the beer & shooters I was still processing.  He gives me a funny look and as I'm walking out I notice the kid I pinned is talking to his pals while he staggers around. I quickly changed & showered and got back to serve the 2nd 2 hours of my sentence.  I was a bit late, but got no more than a stern look from the watchdogs. The coach never said a word until I was visiting from college some years later and I went to see a match.  "I'd ask you to wrestle, but you're not fueled up." he said with a grin.   
  My brother's an idoit.   "He put his finger in the cigarette lighter of my mom's car to see what would happen.    (Keep in mind he was 18 at the time, he's supposed to be a bit more intelligent than a chimp on crack.)    He got third degree burns on his finger because his reaction time obviously matches his IQ. They should outlaw people like him from mating." Saw this post... Immediately thought back to a day when I was 18, waiting for my sister in the car... wondered just how long it took the cigarette lighter to heat up... Dammit.  Chimp on crack.    
  You know what's pretty damned low brow? The female Manequin at the mall with nipples. Now, I'm a guy, and I appreciate RT as much as the next guy, but do you women really look at a shirt and think, "You know what, this is really cute, but how will it look when I have rock tit?".   
  When I was in highschool, my friends and I wouldn't have shit to do.  So one night we all went to the 24 hour grocery store and we bought the 10 pound can of navy beans.  Because there is no real use for navy beans and no one really likes them.  Except the Navy maybe.  And then we'd leave the can on somene's doorstep complete with a bow and card.  It was loads of fun.  
  no, i said.  i'm not angry anymore.  i don't hold  grudges.  but you cannot expect me to hold you  in the same respect i once did now that i know  you're one of those bastards who are not  averse to breaking promises that they made  whilst naked.  ahem.  
  Stevens Institute of Technology is not a real college, no matter what they say. They won't even let us barbeque for christ's sake.        
  the Charron Theory  -Dogs can't speak -Dogs have assholes -I like anal sex -I'm happy -Dog can't walk -Noone finds out -I keep my job at the animal shelter  Now who says works sucks?  
  The highlight of this Saturday night:  I went to Taco Bell for me, my brother, his friend, my mom, and her boyfriend. I ordered a total of 35 items:  10 hard tacos 10 soft tacos 10 bean burritos 1 Quesadilla  4 Grilled Steak Tacos  I actually had to pull around and wait. Then I went in to pick up my order and stole a ton of hot sauce.  I love making those people work. It's so funny to watch.  But the real lowbrow: This is a common occurrence, and I think we have more hot sauce than they do.   
  This is a long one since it needs some setup. Bear with me.  So I'm friendly with this radio shock jock who shall remain nameless. He's in Chicago now, and before that he was in San Francisco. That's enough for you to identify him if you want.  Anyway, we are boozing it up on Sunday night and I ask him "Hey, you ever meet women that let you cum in their mouth?" since I haven't - my wife point blank refuses to do that for me. He just looks at me and says "sure, all the time". "Wow" I say, "I wonder what that's like".  On the monday driving into work I listen to his show and his call in question of the day is 'Women, whats does it taste like?'. I'm laughing my ass off because I know it came from our conversation the night before. I listen to some of what the women callers say. "Egg Whites", "Mushrooms" and my favorite "Battery Acid". (How would they know?) That night I go home and tell the wife about the conversation the DJ and I had had, and the morning call in question. She asks what people had said it tastes like. I tell her them all, finishing with the battery acid answer. She says "Oh, it doesn't taste like battery acid at all!". I look at her and ask "How do you know?" "Oh" she says, avoiding my eyes "didn't I ever...?" "No" I say, pretty pissed off, and that's the end of that conversation.  So I have to revisit my DJ friend to work on his computer a few nights later, and I relate the whole story to him. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever heard.  Next morning at 7am he calls us, on air, relates the whole damn story to the Chicagoland area and uses our real names. My wife is a catholic school teacher. She is not thrilled to say the least. He won't get off the phone till she's talked to him and agreed to do it for me. Eventually she's persuaded to talk to him, and agrees to do it.  The lowbrow moment? The moment we put the phone down, it rings. I pick it up. It's my sister in law, that's heard everyword, knows its us and thinks its the funniest thing she's ever heard. Thank god she was laughing too hard to call my mother in law.  
  I think it's a rule that all teenage girls at some point or another, will have a job baby-sitting.  I am no exception.  One thing you have to know about me is the fact that I hate babies.  I was a good baby, I never screamed or whined in public, so when someone else's kid does...I want to shake it really hard.  Yeah, I know, I'm going to Hell.  See you there.  Anyway...the kids I baby-sit are 5 and 9, a little boy and a girl.  And also the spawn of Satan.  I'm sitting with the brother while he eats dinner.  His sister is finished, and wants to go outside.  This was the week that girl in California was abducted.  And here, this girl is asking me if she can ride her bike, alone, near dusk, out of my vision, and probably hearing distance if she screamed.  So I told her no.  And, being 9 years old and the spawn of Satan, she asks me why.  Her brother won't eat, I'm frustrated, she's arguing with me, etc..  So this is my reply: "Hear about that girl in California who was playing outside and got abducted?  That was in broad daylight.  Your parents aren't paying me so you can go off and ride your bike when it's almost dark, to get kidnapped, and to end up violated and dead in a ditch somewhere, so no Rebecca, you CANNOT GO OUT AND RIDE YOUR BIKE ALONE!"  She was eight at the time.  Something tells me that maybe that was in poor judgement.  Although I suppose it's better than her last baby-sitter, who was a pot head with less patience them me, who informed her that she was "gay".  Who does that to a then seven year old.  And I'm thinking of becoming a teacher, too.  Sure that will be interesting...    
  I wasted ten minutes of my life on the Internet, figuring out what city the Lowbrow server is on from the longitude and latitude co-ordinates on the About page.  The lowbrow part of this?  I'm going to let you slobs figure it out on your own.  
  Bedroom boredom killer # 12  pick-up line:  *pouty eyes* "B-b-but it's nummy in the tummy!"  yeah, someone told me he used this one once.  He didn't say it didn't work.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I decided to bless my friend with the joys of lowbrow tonight while we were chatting in IM:  GirlVinyl: http://www.lowbrow.com/index.html justinT: is this, like, your journal entries or something?  Oh god.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I started a new job as a secretary in an office building.  One of the pencils at my desk said " I heart SFCU "  (SFCU being a credit union in the area.)  naturally, I scratched off of 'S' and the 'C'... to leave 'I heart F U'  I felt satisfied with my artistic ability and mind of a 10-year-old and giggled - until my boss came over looking for a pencil.  I just shrugged my shoulders as if I didn't know where it came from.  First day and my boss already knows what a loser I am.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I was talking about the results of my latest CT Scan with my friends boyfriend. I told him I was "shocked and dismayed" at the results. To which he replied,  "You were wha?????"  and sat looking at me with a blank stare.  I had always thought he was a pretty smart guy. Needless to say, I was "shocked and dismayed".  
  reading the back of a lotion bottle.  from the perspective of someone who just masturbates with it.  "protection from the sun's harmful rays"  i chuckle loudly to myself.  
  Went bra shopping, and tramped all over looking for something in my size that wasn't too froufrou, or too hideous, or was some colour OTHER than white (the only truly white people I know are corpses.)  I spent hours and hours before finally I found something. Then I began to fret because the matching panties had a big ol' seam up the back.  Then, like a flash of lightning, it came to me: I'm the only one who's going to see these anyway. Why am I so worried about them matching?  I don't know if that's lowbrow, or just depressing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Fun car trick #1:  At a red light, stopped directly next to someone on your left....... While making eye contact with the person, roll down your window as if you want to talk.  When they roll theirs down say:  "Oh, did you fart too?"  
  /* Most people miss their marriage, or enjoy being single, but I am fairly certain that I will be the person to miss my divorce, itself. */ 26 May 2001  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I actually had a debate for a good hour with some guy who told me some woman actually paid his friend 100 bucks to suck his dick.  He said she was good looking and everything.  He swears it's true.  I still swear in reality that sort of shit doesn't happen.  Paying a dude to suck his dick?  I think someone watched one too many pornos.  
  "No Mulder, I am not going to give you authorization for that... I don't care if you saved the world last week, this is this week and I am still your boss. Yes, Agent Mulder, I have been co-opted by the Consortium, no, you can't attend Roswellpalooza and your expense claims for the last six months *will* be on my desk by zero-eight hundred Monday. Did I stutter, Agent Mulder? Monday. Eight a.m."  (quoted from a fanfiction story called "That Tight-Assed Cat" by Manik at an X-files fanfiction site called Skinnerotica)        
  turned another enemy into a friend today when all the blahblahblah is done it amazes me that enemies are such strictly out of fear fear is a great motivator for hatred so pal o mine and i are cool but theres an old mammalian part of the brainstem that still owes him a good bashing        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Not my moment, but a friend of my wife's went to Venice and fell in the canal. The kind French people who helped her out of the canal told her, "Only tourists fall in the canals."  
  Men aren't afraid of fighting, knives, drugs, horror movies (at least they don't openly admit to it) but the only thing that ALL men unanimously agree upon being terrified of, is tampons. C'mon, is some cardboard and cotton REALLY scarier than a chainsaw?  
  Playing "bounce or fly" after a dinner of steak and potatoes, I noticed a small piece of beef stuck between my teeth. I struggled for a half hour with the old tongue and sucking technique to get it out while at the same time running up and down, back and forth shagging baseballs.  I eventually sucked all the flavorful juices out of it and nothing was left but a bothersome piece of tasteless fiber.  I finally dislodged the morsel and, out of curiosity, chose not to swallow it but instead spit it into the palm of my hand. It was the collapsed carcass of a fly.       
  If you run into someone you know and they're wearing black, you shouldn't say "Hey, did someone die?" because the answer might be yes and you will most likely feel like an asshole.  Instead, say "hey dumbass, going goth?" that way if the answer is yes you don't have to feel bad.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)            Sitting having coffee with a friend.  A man tells me I should be modelling.  Gives me his card; he's a photographer. I smiled thinking it was the lamest come-on ever.   But still, nice to think that someone put a little effort into approaching... I tell my boyfriend later that night about the photographer guy.  He says, "are you serious? You're not that pretty..." Fuck him. Petty, jealous fool.         
  I was her boss, she was my employee. Yet, we had developed a close friendship based upon mutual admiration, need, and distanced lust.  "Rub my shoulders, will you?" she asked. "Sitting at this computer doing all this hard work for you all day makes my shoulders ache."  To rub, or not to rub.  I rubbed, and another tumble down the hill was taken.  Later that night, at a party, she reminded me by whispering in my ear and brushing her breast against me deliberately.  "Don't forget, we're just friends," she giggled.  "Where's your boyfriend?" I asked.  "He's an asshole; nothing like you..."  And with that, she leaned over and licked my girlfriend's breast and flitted off into the bar.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         In a fit of boredom, I turned on MTV, and it was that year book program.  It said something about how women were changing the face of rock, and the following were some of the most influential females in the music industry.  Then it proceeded to show clips from Britney Spears videos.  From Mandy Moore videos.  No.  What the fuck.  I don't have a problem with those girls.  Not at all, if you like their music, more power to you, right on.  But they haven't changed a thing.  They aren't revolutionary.  Well, maybe they have changed something, but it wasn't for the better.  I'm not some crazy feminist, but if you want a female paving the way, talk about Ani DiFranco.  Tori Amos.  Aretha Franklin.  Hell, even though I'm not sure what I think about Madonna, she opened a few eyes.  Talk about the women in early days of blues and jazz.  When Britney Spears is considered revolutionary, the world has become lowbrow.  That was my rant, the end, have a nice night.        
  the girl working the register at Hot Dog on a Stick asked me if i was trying to grow a mullet. i told her i wasn't but she said she thought it was cool anyway. yup, the ladies want me for hairstyles i try not to have.  
  sometimes being gay is such a pain. Straight guys have it so easy. I hate going to use the restroom stalls when there are people there. I have this irrestible urge to look at their cock. I am assuming that really doesn't happen to straight boys.  So I am standing there and our dept secretary pulls it out and being my normal self I glance down. Good lord, the man is like 6" to 8" shorter than me (height wise), and not even hard he has a cock of death. And he's like practically celibate, so he's the only one ever working that thing. I know some women who would love that.  Worst part is right now, everytime I talk to him, all I can think of is this little guy has this monstorous cock while I am stuck being 'mr. average.' just not fair...   
  Cigarettes are heaven in cancer form.  
  I was traveling on a train from college to my mother's house. I chat with a girl who invites me into the lady's room with her. I am hoping for some action. She pulls out a joint.  The lady's room on this old train had a sitting room with a long couch and two water closets that opened into the sitting room. We smoke the joint in one of the water closets and just when I am comfortable enough to start groping, someone walks into the sitting room.  She sits on the couch and does not use the facilities. We are giggling and waiting for her to leave before we start doing anything. The interloper never leaves and we are almost dying from suppressed giggles.  My new girlfriend tells me to stay put, walks out of our little sanctuary and closes the door behind her. She looks the other woman in eye and says, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you. There is a man in there." I nearly die from laughing and bolt out of the room after her.  
  Me and Billy were high, coming home from gorging at the Mongolian Bar-B-Que, listening to angry music as loud as my crappy truck stereo could play it. At the stoplight, the car next to us, a convertible, began to crank "I Wanna Know What Love is!" Billy and I, of course, laughed our fool heads off. The guy got all embarassed and turned the radio down, but then, after a moment, he leaned over and shouted, "Hey, FUCK YOU KIDS!" Then. he cranked it up again, this time SINGING along! Had to admire him standing up for his shitty musical tastes. Sad thing is, I am not exactly a kid. I'm almost 30. Still have kick ass musical taste though, i think.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         What this world needs is hamburger flavored ice cream with tiny chunks of beef, lettuce, tomato and pickles in it.  
  So I'm standing at work and I let a rancid fart. I go into the bathroom and check, thankfully, no shit.   Later, I fart again. Check for moisture. The only moisture there was generated by the hot air coming from my anus.   After a few more false alarms, I realized something. I have become paranoid about shitting my pants.  Thanks guys!  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i walk into work today, and a coworker of mine (same one who told me yesterday that i should go to the library for books, cuz they have so many!, in genuine wonderment) tells me that her septic tank had backed the pther day. "don't flush condoms!" she says, and giggles.... her and her boyfriend had to run around the shit-soaked back yard picking up 400+ used, poop-infested condomns before her 7 yr old daughter came home.   
  He stepped away, wondering I think why I ordered two half pints.  It turned out he didn't have to wait for the guiness to settle in the small glass, enabling him to be rid of me faster.  "Cheers" we said in unison.  &nbsp;         &nbsp;   Hey!     &nbsp;             
  I was 6 and I watched "A Christmas Story".  So I put my tongue on the rack in the freezer.    I left three taste buds there and a family joke that will last me the rest of my life.  
  well after just about the shittiest week of my life, there is nothing left to feel but pent up anger.  at my parents who don't respect my thoughts or choices as an indivual and having them still think I'm 8 years old. At the goddam pig who arrested me for possition of marajuana (even thought he was just doing his job and let me off pretty easy, still can't help but be pissed at him) At the world that is everyday becomeing more and more repressive. why i can't just be me?  right now i would love nothing more then to be able to hop in to a over-powered muscle car, something with at least 300 or so horsepower and just tear across the highways for all i'm worth with abosolutly no concern for who i might kill or what laws i might break.  and why does that idea of the girl my friend knows who has a 1994 firebird (which has got to be one of the hottest looking cars i've ever seen with my own two eyes)  hasn't left my head in a good 5 days? I don't even know her for christ sake.  is it possible to fall in love with a dangerious lifestyle?         
  Orlando, Florida 11:30pm  April 2000  4 high school students of varying grades in town for the sole purpose of a competition is mostly driving your 130 pound robot vs another school's 130 pound robot  After spending a good 3 hours throwing  chocolate covered coconut candies at eachother, shooting disk guns at extremely close range and completely trashing our hotel room for the next 3, our twenty-something chaperone comes up and starts banging on our door  There is no way this can be a good thing  Rapidly, we begin to act less like high school boys and more like responsible adults that can be trusted not to do any of the things we just spent 3 hours doing    We open the door  Mixed drink in hand and already feeling the effects of the previous drinks, our chaperone proclaims to the world:   There are girls to be had at the pool!   Oh yes, life is good      I still have the pictures of our chaperone face down in the sand after getting knocked off a hammock by someone half his size and a third his weight  
   I was leaving my place from my lunch break, and I was running late, and they walk up, and they're like, "Hi, I'm Elder Bill, and this is Elder Fred." So I say, "You guys are only like 20, how can you be elders?" And they just kind of laughed. And I was like, "Well, I have to go." And they totally ignored me. So the one says, "Do you know what church we're here representing?" I glance at their nametags, and the books they're carrying, which say in big bold letters, 'The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,' and say "The Church of Wicca?" They both kind of laugh nervously, and say, "No, we represent the CJCLDS. Is Jesus a part of your life?" "No. I've never been too fond of him." "Well that's a shame. We'd love to sit down and talk to you about the Book of Mormon."  Anyways, after that I gave them my phone number so we could discuss Jeebus some other time. But I ended up walking into class like 10 minutes late. My teacher asked me why I was late, and I explained that I was proselytized by some damn Mormons, and my teacher says, "I'm a Mormon."  Yeah. That's the whole story.  
  I like Burger King. I think it's a good product and occasionaly indulge. Today I hit up the King and had "for here." As I sat looking around at the patrons and employees, I was hit by the undeniable fact that I was the smartest person in the building.  
  My wife is on the second floor of the hospital, set up in the labor and delivery room, preparing to give birth to our first child. I remember that I left something in the car, so I take the elevator down and get whatever it was... (A jacket? Cigarettes? I don't know...) Anyway, the instant I boarded the elevator, I was hit with abdominal pain so excrutiating, it doubled me over and made me moan in agony. I began having flashbacks of all of our friends talking about "sympathetic labor," and how some men actually experience labor pains. I was thinking, "Oh shit... sympathetic labor! Oh gawwwwwd..." Five seconds before the elevator opened, I gave birth to the ugliest, most rancid, toxic, plant-killing, hair-curling, nausea inducing fart. As the doors closed behind me, I smirked at the thought of the next poor bastard that had to take the elevator.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Sometimes I really wanna jammy boss in the ass.  
  I realized how pathetically single I am, today.  I wear a "Trollin' for Tuna" T-shirt to school quite often. And take the time to explain what it means to the hott blonde that sits behind me in English.  
  Browsing the bookstore yesterday, my husband and I were accosted by this very fat, very unwashed woman who proceded to lecture us on the evils of reading science fiction. We just walked away, and she turned her attentions to the next poor guy nearby. "That bitch has issues." my husband muttered. "And still, there is some man out there who'd fuck her" I muttered back.  Just then she walked past us, arm in arm with the guy she'd begun yelling at after we escaped.  Proof is funny sometimes.   
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Working at an Office Depot Copy Center.  Some random customer asks me about my college plans, I name some random college.  He comes back later with 6 dozen donuts and gives them to me.  Is it lowbrow to make my co-workers eat a few first and watch for ill effects of poison?  
  You would like that so if you want it you'd better act now. It's only here for a limited time. But if you wait a year it'll be here for a limited time again. And so the process will repeat until the people finally catch on and decide that it really isn't a good thing.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had some eggs."  -Jesse Helms  Defines Socilaism.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         Don't remember what he said...my reply: "What begins with f and ends with u-c-k?" That gets me a funny look. "firetruck!"  we both laugh. Ah the great lameness of fourth grade jokes.        
  as I said goodbye, i knew he wanted me.  exiting the restaurant, I flicked my hair over my shoulder and my walk took on the grace and beauty that I knew he saw in me.     Then I came to a thudding halt as I pushed the pull door.  i didn't turn back to see him smirk.  
     You know, I've lived in NJ practically my whole life, and you'd think I'd be used to everything here by now.   No surprises, just the usual background.   But everytime I head out near Newark I experience something new and incredibly odorous.        
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         one time at the mall I was looking at some baby clothes at one of those kiosks that stand in the middle of nowhere and I started chatting with the lady that worked there.    We were talking about how pretty the clothes were and I politely asked her,   "when are you due?"  she paused, looked at me angrily, and said:  "i'm not pregnant."   i never went back to that mall.  
  There is a lot of chatter on here regarding masturbation practices and appropriate receptacles vs. tissue, etc. All I have to say is that Kleenex makes some paper towels called Viva. Check them out. When I was single I had a roll of them on my headboard. How's that for lowbrow?    
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         I'm watching this special on death row. They place inmates to be executed on 'death watch' for the two days prior to the actual execution.  'Death watch' means they're under constant 24 hour surveillance.    How lowbrow is that??  A guy is going to die within the next 48 hours and he can't even get his jerk on.  
  When my wife accused me of wanting to sleep with my sister, that was the exact second our marriage ended.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         grocery shopping while high, very bad thing... the next day you wonder why theres 6 bags of doritos and no real food.. had to get high everyday for the next two weeks to be able to stomach junk food 3 meals a day  
  last night night my friend asked me if i ever tried to jerk off while listening to Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On". he told me i should try it. i think i will.  
   I thought that we should invent some sort of sign or code so that lowbrowers can spot each other. Then I remembered all you have to do is go outside and look in the gutter, it's where you can find me anyway.  
  Whoever said "Bread is the Staff of Life" didn't know that Carole gives such good head.  
  They asked how the party went and I said it sucked There was no booze, or any other social lubricants, and I didn't wake up in a strange bed. College life my ass.   
  my boyfriends are puzzled by my bisexual tendencies. if we're out somewhere and I exclaim, "now THERE'S a hottie," they never know whether to be jealous or to look around quickly to catch a glimpse of some hot chick.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         were standing around after a show and some skinny trailerpark drunk dood walks over and demands doesnt ask but demands a cigarette from me im not one for that shit in his voice so i tell him to fuck off the bastard swings a looping well telegraphed swing and trips over his own feet sprawling out on the sidewalk for some reason it was so sad we didnt even laugh we just looked at him all bent he gets up and starts this flying leap shit at me but slips in dogshit and mugs on the selfsame sidewalk then we laugh till we peed he walked off dogshitshmear down his calf and shin best fight i never got in  
  i serve cafe lattes to dumb spoiled fucks.  while watching the over-fed masses stream through my work i see both the disgusting and wonderous elements of mankind. people who pull up in SUV's which cost $50 g's yet still carry themselves with an unshakeable look of discontentment. people who despite being as well off as they are they still find a reason to be pissed off that their latte is a minute late....   to millions of people on this planet the attainment of clean drinking water is an achievement and a half. millions of others find the need to bitch about $4.00 coffee...........     p.s. i'm drunk  
   Vitamin DDT  After the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the war ended kinda suddenly. At Changi, my father's POW camp, the guards just ran away when they got the news. But the POWs were stuck in the middle of the jungle. The Americans couldn't get to them for a couple of weeks, so they sent a B-29 over the camp and bombed them with food and supplies. These guys had lived on a bowl of rice a day for the last four years, and they weighed about 70lb each. They went nuts. In amongst the supplies was a big sack of DDT. Nobody knew what it was, so they assumed it was a vitamin supplement. So, for the next week or so, everybody in the camp swallowed a teaspoon of DDT every day. Then one of the guys spilled his spoonful. Next morning, there was a line of dead bugs on his floor. So they stopped eating it, and deloused the place...  
  The moment was: ... She tells him that she has a parrot and she thought the parrot was lonely. So she decides in order to alleviate its loneliness, she finds its parrot penis and she JERKS IT OFF. What could possess someone to do this?   Now whose lowbrow moment is this? Hers for doing it? His for being told the story? Or mine for hearing the story from him?  - lowbrowgirl@yahoo.com  -----  The Answer: Parrots don't have penises.   That makes it her moment for lying, yours and his for believing that parrots have penises, and mine for actually knowing enough about avian anatomy to ridicule you.      
  I can still taste it.  Once I took several mind altering drugs early in the morning...around 2am as i was leaving a party. Big Mistake. Upon coming home, my room mate locked himself in his room and refused to come out...leaving me to...myself and myself.  fear is something that everyone feels at one time or another. i had never felt anything like this... i could TASTE it, in the back of my throat like drinking hot water from a garden hose. it set in as i first thought that maybe i had taken too much? I spent the night moving from one task to the next waiting for the sun... waiting for that blessed light to come creeping back into my world.  And i can still taste it.  
  I'm female but have really short hair  and am mistaken for a guuy every now and then. Once i transfered buses...i was out of vancouver at this point and had only payed for one zone. Usually bus drivers are pretty chill about it, but this one was pretty insistant that i pay the remaining fare. Unfortunately, i didn't have any more change, but i was going to work at this woman's house and kinda wanted to get there, so i asked him to cut me some slack. He turns around and calls out "DOES ANYBODY HAVE A DOLLAR TWENTY FIVE TO LEND THIS..." looks me up and down "PERSON". I was fairly embarassed. A kind old lady gave me the money though....  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         i lived in lincoln, nebraska for a few months after high school.  that, in itself, is lowbrow... but the stories i have from that brief, strange time... man... a friend was driving down the main street, and some hick meathead in his 20 foot high pick-em-up truck was tailgating him bad.  my friend kind of taps the brakes, but this only angers the meathead, and he follows closer.  so my friend locks up his brakes and sits there, waiting.  the hick says something to his girlfriend, and gets out of the truck.  when he gets to my friend's window, he says "what the fuck are you..." and then my friend shoots the guy in the forehead with his pellet gun.  who would have guessed that a little piece of lead could knock someone unconscious without penetrating the skull? the best part is, the hick's girlfriend had no idea it was a air gun, so she sees it come out the window, pop her man in the forehead, and drop him flat.  she was screaming pretty bad, but my friend just drove away, and never got caught. this friend's older brother was even crazier than he was... i could fill 20 posts with lincoln, nebraska stories, and i probably will.  
  Let me tell you about the China Chef.  I worked one Sunday night and got some takeout from the China Chef resturant.  It wasn't all that good, but I was hungry and ate it anyway. I got off work at 01:30,  drove home and was asleep by 02:30.  At 05:00 I woke up from a disturbing dream, and realized that it was no dream. I went to the bathroom and barely got onto the toliet before a massive stream of loose, watery stool sprayed the bowl. While I was shitting, I suddenly got cold and sweaty.  I turned to my left and vomited three big, productive heaves into my bathtub.  I was actively shitting while I was vomiting.  The Woodsman's 180!  There in the bathtub was the mostly digested remains of China Chef,  and plenty of it.    I had frank diarrhea until the next afternoon,  and wasn't able to eat solid food again until evening.  China Chef,  those dirty fucking crackbabies.  I was tempted to save a stool sample to send them as a token of my thanks (I was going to put it in an old margarine tub),  but it was so rank that I couldn't go through with it.  Plus,  I think there are some fairly strict postal regulations regarding the shipment of human body parts, human excretions,  and other biohazardous organisms.  Too bad.  When I tell people this story,  there is usually a lot of empathy until I tell them what I ate...I got the Seasame Tofu.    The normal reaction is "Well,  that's what you get for eating Tofu!",  followed by "What the fuck is tofu,  anyway?".  Motherfuckers.  Cheers, Tim McCarthy  
  There is a sign taped to the glass at the Blue Light outside Liberty, Missouri that says "PLEASE DO NOT YELL AT THE CASHIERS THEY DO NOT SET THE GAS PRICES"        
  Guys? You really think that sex is all about you getting your "wee glad bit" (as we put it in Scotland)? Try fast-forwarding a few years, and see if you could handle the following statement: "Daddy? Jacob and I were playing, and a cat came upstairs and broke an egg." Then try to handle said Jacob, half an hour later, when he declares: "I want to go home -- I'm tired of all this cat and egg talk."  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         O.K. braille on the drive-up ATM kind of makes sense. But why do they have closed captioning on the Spice channel?  
  I just read a lowbrow that concludes if you drink strawberry milk, you're gay.  What the hell? I love strawberry milk, and I'm not gay. It irritates me that my drinking habits are thought to be some deep clue about my sexual orientation. I am most definitely not in any way gay at all.  Although I am a pedophile.  
  i have had to answer yes to the following question more than once, often asked by the police or dnr rangers: "oh, you're the guy who flipped that big-ass ski boat in the middle of the night." i am the skipper.  
  Cabbie story #1:  Chicago, coming home from a conference.  Miscalculated how heavy the traffic would be at 4:00.  Downtown to O'Hare...  Road work...  5:00 Flight...  Explained our dilemma to Robert...our Kenyan cab driver.  Most amazing cab ride we've ever had...I didn't know a cab could drive the yellow line between lanes of traffic.  Made it with minutes to spare.  I tipped him heavily.  If I ever want to pull a bank heist, I'm hiring Robert to do the driving.  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         "why i do believe you have the cutest little mug shot i ever did see!" said the small town cop as he brushed a thin veined had over my ass.   i wonder where i can lay claim to that picture.   
  I am trapped at that horrible age where I am old enough to go to war, old enough to give myself lung cancer but not old enough to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.  Half my friends are married and having children and the other half are still in school,drugged up and drunk worrying about what mommy and daddy will say if they don't get accepted to med school.  I know these are supposed to be the best years of my life, but 19 kinda sucks  
  Among a group of friends and relatives, my mother handed me a perfume sample and asked me what I thought. Angling for a laugh, I remarked that it "smells like urinal cakes."  It was my birthday, and moments later I discovered my gift from my mother to be a large bottle of that very cologne. Givenchy PI. I freakin' love the stuff, I've used it every day for years now, it costs $60 a jug. My girlfriend for whom English is a second language uses the French pronunciation: Pee.  I can still see the disappointment on my mother's face.  
  its relatively easy to get laid... you just have to be willing to settle down or shell out the big bucks ^-^ merry christmas  
          Hey! Pay Up!        (We're paid up through mid April, now!)         After spending hours of my life on Lowbrow dot com, and considering I'd laughed harder than I've laughed at a long time while watching a South Park episode (the one where Kenny wears his coat upside-down, and walks upside-down on picture day so his butt is sticking out of his hood, and Cartman takes the photo and gives it to the local milk company so they can put it on a missing child carton), I've come to the realization that I'm going to have a very hard time surpressing my laughter when my kids do something embarrasing (like fart in church). It's going to take every ounce of faux-adult-like behavior to keep from laughing my arse off.   God help me indeed.   
  My friend who goes to college in upstate New York told me a story in which he went to a pool hall one night, and was spectator to two drunk townies arguing over which one had more teeth.  
  I read a moment about cutting off the tail of a small fish and attaching a large fake tail to it to create a SuperFish and this bothered me a little.   If they had said to cut off the feet of a small person and attach giant fake feet to them, I don't think I would've even thought about it twice  
  this weekend i stayed with a girl i barely know. i was taking a massive shit in her bathroom at about 4 a.m.  clogged up the toilet. dammit. no plunger.  i fished the turds and toilet paper out with my hands and threw them out the bathroom window.  i've said it before, and i'll say it again. i hate myself.    
   